"Subtitler's note:" "Throughout this movie, the term "Apache" is used as a synonym for "villain"." "I am a native German speaker, but I have never heard this before." "It must have been a temporary fad in the 1930s." "In the 1949 remake, the Apache references are gone as far as I know." " You guys got a new job?" " No, nothing in sight so far." "Me either." " I've had it up to here!" " What's with the bickering, Dupont?" "It was a stupid idea to become an actor." "Look what's become of me - an extra!" "And to think I could have taken over my father's well-run cheese store!" " And why didn't you?" " I couldn't stand the smell." " No, acting it had to be!" " But it's a nice profession, isn't it?" "It's nice if you get decent roles, yes." "But just take a look at me!" "For ten months now I have been playing the bear in that idiotic piece "Paradise"." " You call that a decent, intelligent role?" " Quit yapping, today was the last show!" "So?" "Here I am, jobless." "I'll have to do the old begging routine..." " I should have settled for cheese instead." " Take your arm off my cheese sandwich!" " Oh, I'm sorry!" " Now, Dupont, I have two offers for you." "The wolf in a children's fairy tale, or the Red Cat." "No more animals!" "Besides, I only know how to do bears." " The Red Cat is not an animal role." " What is it then?" "Have you heard of Catelain, the great entrepreneur?" "Mr. Catelain is about to open yet another restaurant - but this time not an elegant place, but "The Red Cat" will have an Apache theme." "For the foreigners who want to see real villains." " Not a bad idea!" " So he's looking for a couple of actors presenting the foreigners one heck of a show." " So, what will Catelain pay?" " Fifty per night, and a nice dinner." "Done deal." "Say, you wouldn't be able to provide a little advance..." "I mean, an advance just for the meal!" "I mupft pfay you hapf alwaypf been pfery good to me" "Famous american jewelry collector Tobias Jefferson (who just acquired the famous Halifax emerald in Antwerp) has arrived with wife and daughter, and will be staying at Hotel Splendid" " Just a second, one more line!" " Why don't you sit down." "Take a seat?" "Never." "I once sat down here, and was asked to stay for six months." "You shouldn't punish people so harshly." "Who knows, one day you might face time in the pen, then what?" "Move it!" " What's the matter?" " Abracadabra!" " I am releasing you!" "You want back in?" " No, I'm just mighty superstitious." " Bye now." " Well if it isn't old Moustache!" "Principal!" "How nice of you to come pick up your humble little employee." " How was it, Moustache?" "Interesting people?" " Nah, miserable - just small fry." " No match for the likes of us." " How about a welcome drink?" " Alright, good-bye then." " I hope I won't be seeing you again." "Why that?" "Will you retire soon?" "No?" "There you go!" "Good-bye, chief!" "No, I won't have any more of this." "You have dragged us through seven museums and three art galleries - and my shoes are killing me." " But it's important to be well educated." " I've got enough education as it is." " Half of it would be enough." " Tobias, you do as I say!" " I have this afternoon's schedule right here." " No, I will not... umm umm... resist your plans." " But I will." "I am on strike!" " Jessie!" "Yes, I am on strike." "I want to see something else, something interesting!" " Bravo!" " Toby!" "Daddy, go see the manager and ask him where there's a good show tonight." " No you won't." " You will too, Daddy." "No, I say he will not go." "Tell me, what's a good place for some entertainment tonight?" " I recommend The Red Cat." " Red Cat, you say?" " What kind of name is that?" " Infamous Apache place, is what it is." " Ap.." "Apa.." " Very dangerous place!" " But will the ladies..." " Never mind the ladies!" "I'd love to see the villain who bests my wife!" " Missy, do you have your number down?" " Yes sir, Mister Principal!" "I certainly hope you do." "All of the Apaches, roll call!" "Gentlemen, listen up." "You know what to do." "This is not girls school, this is a villain's lair." "Everyone is a predator." "Actually, a human monster!" "You fail to comply, you take a hike." " Got that?" " Yes sir, Mr. Principal." "With that out of the way, let's start handing out roles." "Paul the poisoner." "Otto Otto the forger of coins." "Voyeur." "We'll talk later." "Jack the ripper." "Hugo the murderous rapist." " Principal, a word please." " What's the matter?" "Principal, sir, would it be too much to ask to be a robber and murderer?" " You got it." "Murderer Moritz." " Most sincere thanks." "Turn around, will you?" "You will be Chief" " Swift Dagger." "Little old American ladies love themselves a handsome villain!" " Too generous of you, Principal." "Thank you." " You just make sure you act wild." " And if you do a good job you'll get a bonus." " Bonus!" "For a bonus I will be so ferocious that I would sock it to you even!" "Cheers!" " Come on, one more!" " No, out of the question." " The next one would be number thirteen." " So you're still superstitious?" " You skinny jailbird, you?" " I have my reasons." "First time they put me behind bars was after thirteen years of stealing." "And when I was still very young," "I went for a swim." "Locker number thirteen." "My first cold!" "Ever since I don't swim any more." "On the 13th of June they put me away for 13 weeks." "No reason to be superstitious, eh?" "You're full of it!" "Cheers." "Now let's talk shop." "Here, read this." " Professional wart removal..." " Baloney!" "Down below, here!" "Ah!" "Famous American jewelry collector Tobias" "Jefferson, having just acquired the Halifax emerald in Antwerp, has arrived with wife and daughter, and will be staying at Hotel Splendid." "No, no, that's out of our league." " Much too dangerous." " Well I've done more difficult heists before." "I know how we're going to do this." "You'll be the flashy Marquis one more time" " Ah, you mean..." " Mustache across, goatee down." "(in mock French accent) Page, when Mrs. Jefferson arrives, you will signal me discreetly." "Will sit over there." "Ah, the tip!" "Later." "Mrs. Jefferson has just arrived." "Beg pardon to be so forward, Madame, but might I be able to help you in any way?" " I don't understand you, sir." " Marquis Henri de Bonbon!" " Marquis!" " Indeed, I am." "And I will not allow" "Madame to ruin her tender little hands with those ghastly heavy parcels." " Very gallant, Marquis." " A chivalry duty, Mrs. Jefferson." " How do you know my name, Marquis?" " Us Marquis, we know every beautiful lady!" "Now, would Madame care for a little sit-down, just the two of us?" "This way please, Madame." "Let's chat a little while." "Now, Madame, how are things?" "Everything nice and easy?" " Oh, you dropped your monocle!" " Never mind." "Us Bonbons never stoop." " Do you live here permanently, Marquis?" " Yes." "A bit secluded lately." "I needed privacy" " And nowadays?" " Ah, I'm better now, and I hope to be staying if everything - knock on wood!" " works out the way I hope it will." " There's my husband and my daughter." " Is that so?" "Daddy!" "Look who Mom has picked up." "Oh, what a lovely young lady, most charming!" "My dear Tobias, meet Marquis de Bonbon." "My husband, my daughter." " Lovely, just lovely." "Mr. Jefferson..." " Pleased to meet you." "Maybe you will" " do us the honor to call again?" " It will be my sincere pleasure." "Would you join us tonight to The Red Cat?" "Supposed to be a thrilling place." " I haven't heard of that one." " Will you join us, Marquis?" "Dreadful sorry, Madame, but a Bonbon can't breathe the same air as villains." " I do understand, Marquis." " Well, some other time then!" "Never mind." "A Bonbon will not crawl around in the dirt." "I must leave now." "The Minister of Justice is expecting me at teatime." "Madame, young lady, Mr. Jefferson." "What a charmingly graceful man." "Aristocratic silhouette." "Jessie, that's a husband for you." " But Mom, I'm not after cheap thrills!" " She's got a point there." " Toby!" "Just saying..." "(inaudible dialog)" "Last night was slow." "But tonight there'll be a large audience, you get going, you hear!" " There will be bloodshed, understood?" " Yes, Principal!" "They're here!" "Everybody get ready!" "Let's start a ruckus!" "Get rid of the body!" "Gruesome!" "Down he goes!" "Good evening everybody." "Please excuse the minor disturbance." "You call that minor?" "Well thanks but no thanks." "You should have been here last Saturday." "Not a single man lived to pay their check." "But that is awful!" "What did you do to the one that you went "boom" on?" " Well those people are bona fide!" " Real chinchinilla (sic!" ") fur, American." "Champagne will be here any minute now." " Did you order champagne?" " No." " Seems to be customary in here." "It will just arrive on its own." " Who's that young one over there?" " Chief Swift Dagger." " Very interesting young man." " And a looker, isn't he!" "You don't say." "You will now hear a hooker song." "I am a hooker, just like my mother and I've been hooking for many a year." "Woe!" "Woe is me." "Lord Almighty!" "Do I have to listen to this?" " Don't like it?" " No." "Straight to the heart." "Ach, good old Rosa - get rid of her." "She will clog up the sewer, I'm sure." "Here's another one!" "Come into my arms, oh glowing- eyed beauty!" "Come and dance with me!" "Oh Lord" " I sure hope he won't abduct our dear mother!" "I should be so lucky." "Listen up, you!" "Next time, legs up in the air, or else..." " OK, next time then." " I will coach her at home." "I am completely exhausted, winded beyond compare." "Well then just shut it!" " Now, doll, you go on stage and sing some!" " You got it, Chief!" "That little one, I think she is going to perform now." "(singing about the erotic qualities of close waltz dancing)" "If you have the guts to do it, come see me tomorrow at Splendid Hotel." "I would love to talk to a real criminial." "Come in." " Good day." " Good day to you, too." "Well, who would have thunk?" "You really made it!" "Have a seat." " Now, Mr. Dagger?" " What?" " Oh, I'm sorry" " Mr. Swift Dagger!" "Ah, yes of course." "I took the liberty of..." "Why, thank you!" "I didn't know that criminals do have manners!" "Tell me, how many killings do you have on your conscience?" "I don't have the exact number ready." "My secretary keeps an ongoing account." "Oh, I cut myself - it's bleeding." " Seeing blood makes me nauseous." " Why, you of all people!" "Professionally, of course, no problem." "I can take a swim in a pool of blood!" "I'll do the breaststroke and the backstroke, any way you like it." " But as a private person, different story." " That's quite remarkable." "Besides, you seem a different person today than you were last night." "Why don't you just steal?" " What?" " It's all here, my rings, my bracelets!" " Well, I don't know about that." " Ah, I get it, you want more: the Halifax!" " That's right." "By the way, who is he?" " Don't act dumb." "You know that my father has bought the Halifax emerald." "But don't bother - this is out of your league!" "Too bad, too bad." "I have so been looking forward to this Hollyfix - um, Hullyfox..." " What was the name again?" " You know exactly!" "Don't put me on!" "Well, I have just been joking." " For Heaven's sake!" "Are you OK?" " I didn't know there was no backrest." ""You are the most beautiful woman..." (same song as in the villains' cellar)" "I thoroughly enjoyed your company." "But I think you should leave before they" " recognize and arrest you." " Swift Dagger knows no fear." " He will never be arrested." "Good-bye." " Good-bye." " Ah, Mrs. Jefferson!" " Marquis." " You had company?" " You know who that is?" " No." " Famous villain, Swift Dagger." "I met him last night at The Red Cat." "It was fun chatting with him." "He frankly admitted to being after the Halifax emerald." "Him, the Halifax?" "What a dirty pig." "Well, he hasn't seen the last of us!" "But, Marquis, don't get so excited!" "The Halifax is not that easy to get." "If you say so - not easy to get - well then I am relieved." "See, that's him." "Let's put on a show for those two dudes." " New face, haven't seen him around." " He's a sly one, and dangerous." "If we're not careful, he'll get the Halifax from right under our nose." "We'll teach him not to interfere with us." " They seem to be country hicks." " I'll teach them how, Mr. Principal." "Hey, you don't take liberties with me, you zebra!" "What's wrong with you?" "You think you can play games with me?" "Sit your sorry ass down!" "He's always a bit on the rough side, he is." " I'm sorry, sir, this must be a mistake." " Shh, I won't hear of it." "We know that you're after the Halifax - and so are we, but we are" " a decent bunch, so we offer you a partnership." " Too generous!" "Moustache will join the Jeffersons for tea tomorrow, you'll go with him and..." " kill them?" " Nah, just distract them!" "So, you'll divert their attention while I will start gassing them." "Oh!" "Damn." "The Halifax cometh - the Halifax cometh!" "You superstitious parrot, you!" "But the Jeffersons know my face from this place here!" "Never you mind." "We'll procure a nice disguise, your mother wouldn't know you!" "OK, so I'll think about it." "There is nothing to think about." "You stick with us until we've got the Halifax emerald." "I told you, the boss won't take no for an answer!" "I should have worn the blue dress, it makes me look younger." "What difference does it make if you look like 52 or like 53?" " It's not you that the Marquis should marry!" " Tobias, you'll never become a gentleman." "Yes, we're expecting you!" " He's coming!" " Who?" " The Marquis!" "Please, do smile a bit." " But why would I want to smile?" " Because I say so." "Smile already!" "Bonjour everybody." "As you can see, I have gracefully accepted your invitation." "I beg your pardon" " I brought my dear 90 year old dad" " I couldn't leave him at home" "Come on in, Pop, come on." "That's my dad." "Ponpon senior." "Come on pops!" "Pleased to meet you." " Likewise." "Mister Jefferson?" " Mrs. Jefferson." " But you are the real deal, right?" " Right, right." "Good day to you." "I beg forgiveness - when the old man sees a nice lady he gets all excited." " That's why they called him Randy Ponpon." " How hilarious" " Randy Ponpon!" "But isn't he a sweetheart." "May I ask the gentlemen to sit down please." " This is a swell place!" " Thank you." "Can I dig right in?" " Nice." " French pastry." " Beg pardon?" " French pastry." "Here you go." " With my compliments." " Too friendly." " What ails you?" "Those convulsions..." " Yes, like my son said..." "He's the jittery kind, my dad is." " Have you seen the Americans' guests?" " Yes, the old guy with a beard like this." "That's Big Daddy, 90 years of age." " Where's my cup?" " Underneath your beard." "Oh, now you've moistened your male adornment." " I'll take care of it." " Don't hurt me!" " No reason to worry." " Shortened now." " It will grow back." " Your ancestors are old nobility." " Yes indeed." "Our ancestors have taken part in the cruises, I mean the crusades." " I love me a good cruise." "Easier on the back." " I fully understand." "I meant to ask you, Marquis:" "Do you live in the countryside?" " Yes, I live in the countryside." " How nice, amidst nature!" " Now, dig in." " About time!" "I'm starving." " I should have given the green light earlier." " Never you mind!" "You're one sassy lady!" "So sorry." " Madame, terribly sorry." " It almost doesn't matter." " May I remind you of the liquor now?" " Oh, sorry, I was distracted by this mishap." "Give me a hand, will you." "Now let's sample the wet bar." "(inaudible mumbling)" "But daddy, you shouldn't be drinking so much!" "Daddy has made a mess of himself again." " If you would excuse us for a second." " Hold this, I won't be long." "Charming, aren't they?" "You dumbass, it's about time you got yourself into the other room, and start looking for the Halifax." "Otherwise I'll break every single bone in your body!" " I'm not done with you yet." " But I won't do it!" "You asked for it, you got it." "Daddy sweetest, what's the matter?" "Oh, daddy is unwell, he needs to rest." "Now come on." " I am worried sick about daddy." " How about a little cognac?" " My child, you are a sweetie." " Marquis, I can only return the compliment." "It doesn't take much, and he will keel over." " But Marquis, aren't you feeling well?" " Nah, it's nothing, nothing." "It's just my high blood pressure." " But Marquis, what is the matter?" " Sorry, I must have tripped." "Let's have another one!" "Thank you, this will do me good." "Marquis!" "You need to take better care of yourself!" "Do not worry, my daughter." "It comes with age, it's quite natural." "I have to say, this cognac, mighty fine." " Toby, I trust you offered sufficient amounts of liquor to our guests?" " Sufficient indeed." "What's that right there?" "What the..." "Does everybody have the jitters today?" "All of a sudden I felt dizzy, just as if I..." "See, just as if I - yes, mylady, just as if I!" "It was just the same with me!" "Just as if I!" "Now look at this - daddy is shrinking again." "Now daddy, I think" " you need to rest, you are getting weak." " I have a very nice grandfather chair." "Oh, Madame, that would be so nice of you." "A soft cozy chair for daddy - how considerate." "How good of you." "Hang on for a second - good-bye, my little child." "I will escort you to the other room." "Here you go." "Meet Jocko." "Jocko, meet Marquis de Bonbon." " A most charming creature." " What, me?" " No, Jocko." " Are you comfortable now, Marquis?" " Couldn't be better." " Well, sweet dreams then." " I hope you will be in them, sweet lady!" "Oh, you little sweet-talker you!" "Once nobility, always nobility." "Where are you, little brat?" "Here, monkey monkey!" "You dirty little rascal!" "Where are you?" "Look what you did!" "Give me back my wig!" "Will you return that wig now." "I'm telling you once and only once." "OK, I'm coming after you now." "Give now!" "Hey, what's with the biting!" "There." "I'll teach you about tearing out an old man's hair, you dirty dog!" "Oh, Marquis, what are you doing up there?" "I usually look at pictures before going to sleep." "What's your take on this one?" "I find it wonderful." "A genuine Richard Wagner, methinks." "A dashing fellow, that Wagner." "Look how he sketched the scene quickly and vividly." "Fabulous." "There's music in that picture!" "Good material, too." "Good, but a little dusty." " May I give you a hand?" " Too charming, mylady." " Well, you are a sugarplum yourself!" " If it isn't asking too much..." " Not at all." " So you are a collector of precious stones?" " Well, if the opportunity arises, I will grab umm, I mean, I will acquire a gemstone or two." "So, as a connoisseur you will be interested in my latest purchase, the Halifax emerald." "Yes, I've heard about it - supposed to be a nice little rock." "But it's not just a little rock, it's a rare gem!" " Marquis, may I sing you to sleep?" " By all means, but with gusto!" "But do not look at me." "Your look will only bewilder me." "(singing mock children's lullaby)" " This way please, Marquis." " Well, I am curious now about that Halifax." "Yes, it's worth the curiosity." "Watch out now." "Lights out, and get the hell out of here with the stone!" "Now, my dear Marquis - this is the Halifax emerald!" " It's the Swift Dagger!" " Nobody leaves the room, you hear!" "Run!" "Get out of here!" "The emerald is gone!" "Our rock!" "Stop thief!" "Oh, it's you, you fool!" "Untangle your legs!" "Move it!" "They're coming after us!" "I think they went this way." "Of all numbers!" "It had to be 13." "Daddy, quick!" "Just imagine!" "He had a white beard, down to here - all fake!" "Enjoy." " Another one?" " I beg your pardon." "I don't want to interrupt." "Just go on kissing!" "What impertinence!" "Oh, I am so very sorry." " They're gone for good." " No, really?" " Yes." " Nice work, Tobias." " What, me?" "That Marquis tricked you, not me!" " So, did it go well?" " It's over." "The boy skedaddled with the stone." "You idiot!" "What were you thinking?" " Dammit!" "I stepped on a seashell!" " Well, plain old tap water wouldn't do, right?" "Miss, will you please wait for another minute or so." "Miss Jefferson will see you soon." "Keep your hands to yourself!" "I've had it!" "Piss off!" "The Halifax!" "So it was you who stole the stone in the darkness, you monkey you!" "Just you wait and see!" "Yes?" "Ah, the Swift Dagger!" "Now that's what I call brazen." " But listen to me!" " What cheek." "Unbelievable." " You touch me, I'll cry for help." " But please, listen to me!" "But I don't care for your lies!" "Aren't you satisfied with the Halifax?" " What else do you want to steal?" " But I am not a criminal!" "Listen to me!" " I don't want to hear of it!" " Please, pay attention." "It's like this:" "I am so happy you came, Chief Officer." "The state I'm in - horrible." "Please follow me." "And that's how two-bit actor André Dupont turned into Swift Dagger." " But is all of this really true?" " You have my word of honor." "I have my contract with the Red Cat right here." "My father with the Chief of Police!" " He must not see you here." " But I'm innocent." " But you can't prove it." "Hide under the sofa!" "Quick, hurry up!" "How easy it is to go down all the way." "I should have picked cheese instead." " Meet my daughter." "Chief of Police, Mr. Karnow." " Pleased to meet you." " Likewise." "Please excuse us now, child." "We have important things to discuss." "Please have a seat." "Mr. Karnow, I beseech you, please do your utmost to get the Halifax back." "Your men can make a pretty penny." "There will be a 5000$ reward." " We will do our very best." " Yes, yes, yes, I understand." "Frankly, I don't think that German police does a very good job." " That's because you don't know our police." " No, my gripe is that they are far too lenient." "If I had my way, those criminals would hang - to say the least." "Those lowlifes ought to be stepped upon - just like vermin." " You were saying?" " Nothing." "But I can assure you that whoever has the Halifax emerald now, they will be punished to the full extent of the law." " Bless you." " Thank you." "But I didn't sneeze." "But it sure sounded like it." " So, tell me." " It's working out." "I gave him hell." "He will do his very best." "I can almost feel that stone in my pocket." " Now we need to capture Swift Dagger" " But daddy!" "Not capture him." " But why not?" " Listen up, here's a little story." " You see, daddy, that's how it is." " What an amazing story." " So the Red Cat is just a charade?" " You can say that again." " And Swift Dagger is just a harmless actor?" " Exactly, daddy." "He told me so himself." "He's in the other room." "Come on, daddy." " But there's nobody here." " Just you wait." "Come on out, Mr. Dupont." "Daddy knows everything." "Mr. Dupont?" "He's gone." "He probably got scared and ran away." "But if he's innocent he could help us getting the Halifax back!" "I will" " meet him tonight at the Red Cat." " Excellent idea!" "I am totally calm." "There he is!" "But if someone gets on the wrong side of me, I will..." "This way, you rascal!" "Now hand over the stone, and make it snappy!" " But I don't have it!" "He has it!" " What, me?" "That's not nice of you." "Enough, you will now hand over the stone, or else!" "Don't cringe, that was just a trial shot!" "What a crying shame about today's youth!" "A minor gunshot, and they're done for." "Now don't be silly and take that thing away from me!" "How am I supposed to shoot you?" "What a folly." "Takes the whole fun out of a good shoot-out." "Mr. Boss taking care of business, that's what I like to see!" "Take cover if you love your life!" "You're not fooling me!" "I know it's all just clever acting." " Fabulous!" " There, his hand is sticking out." "Step on it!" "He's in need of a manicure!" "I'll jog your memory!" " Where's my pistol?" " Right here." " Much obliged." " Give already, will you!" " But I don't have it!" "You don't fool with Mr. Boss!" " Much better show than last time." " You better get going, go home!" "If only the police were here!" "Don't bother" " I am in the know about the doings in here." "Hey!" "I am not an extra!" "Those thugs will foil my whole business model!" "Now they're carrying him away." "Good enough for him." "That's too much now!" "I am a paying guest here!" "Throwing eggs!" "And it wasn't altogether fresh either." " Thank God you're finally here!" " Tell me what's going on here." " I will vouch for my troupe." " But who is that there?" "Well I am... wait a moment..." "But I am just..." " I don't know that person." " You come with us." "We'll talk at the precinct." "Caught that one back there." "He was about to skedaddle." "To the precinct, that one, too." "Follow me, gentlemen." "(inebriated singing)" "Always keep it straight." "Pim, you're drunk again!" "But Sergeant, I have only had one little schnapps." "And when I've had schnapps I am an entirely different person." "So now the other "me" requires some schnapps, too." "Pim, have you read this?" "No, not here, over there!" "5000$ reward for bringing back the Halifax." "5000$ - now that would buy a pool of schnapps!" "Straight at all times." " I object!" " Shut it." "In there, move it already." " Looks like we have company." " I protest!" "Shut it already!" " What's the matter with them?" " They were arrested at the Red Cat." " Go ahead and frisk them." " Very well, Sergeant." " Take your hands off me!" " I can't help it, they are always on the loose." " But I am a free citizen!" " This is just a preliminary scan." "Nothing here." " Hold still, I can't work like this." " But I am ticklish!" "Now shut the hell up, or I'll shut you up." "I've had it!" "Your behavior is outrageous!" "The Halifax!" " My rock!" " (inebriated) ...allifax.." " I found the Halifax!" " Now let's get on with it." " Excuse me, may I take a look?" " What are you, crazy?" "But I am an expert." "That thing has 150 carat, minimum." "Or maybe not." "(inebriated "Halifax" chanting)" "I have always been one for humane treatment." "So, step up!" "I said, step up!" " You are drunk." " Hey, you're insulting an officer!" " Would you consider taking it back?" " No." " You don't take it back?" " No." "Water under the bridge." "Always straight." " So, get up!" " I protest!" "I am a free citizen!" "You are so mistaken." "You are a captured citizen." "Move it now." "Time to get to work." "Move it, or I'll make you jump!" "We don't have anything like it in the States." "I'll have to remember that." "What?" "You have found the Halifax?" "Great news." "I'll be right over." "But listen - take good care of the culprit." "And - give him hell!" "I made a promise to that effect to the rightful owner." "Here's your work." " You wipe this clean." " What, me?" "I am supposed to..." "Who else but you?" "But that's torture!" "No, that's green soap." "Jump to it, now." "I want it squeaky clean." "Whoa, easy now." "What's with the swaying?" "But I am not swaying, you are!" "And now get on with it." "One, two..." "One, two, all for humane treatment, one, two, one, two..." "I will report you to the President of the Republic." "What?" "You goddamned snitch!" "Just wait, I'll sock it to you..." "Oops, I must have slipped" "What do you mean?" "Release me at once!" "I am not listening." "Take a good hard look on this gnarled fist." "You must have it." "I'll find that stone yet!" "I'll do whatever it takes." "I'll pop your fillings if I have to." "No more playing games with me." "Back off." "Here, there's another one for you." "Go, go, go!" " What, me again?" "Same thing?" " Of course, that's why you're here!" "Would Your Honor prefer to call a cleaning woman?" "Hey, not so slow!" "And remember:" "Always straight." "One, two, one two..." "..always in favor of humane treatment..." "When I see you sweating like that I'm getting thirsty myself." "He's multiplying all over the place." "I have reviewed your file, and you are currently not indicted with anything." "Does that mean I can walk out of here, right now?" " So, Sergeant, you do have the stone?" " Yes indeed, sir." "Fabulous." "Tell me, who found the stone?" " Private Pim, Chief." " Private Pim?" "I'd like to talk to him." " And who is that?" " That is Private Pim." " Pim!" " Yes Mr. Halifax Sir!" " Pim, the Chief of Police here to see you." " Let him speak." "Mr. President, keep it straight." " So it was you who found the stone?" " Yessir." " Well then go get..." " The reward?" " No, the prisoner." " Oh, the prisoner." " I trust you weren't too lenient?" " I gave him hell, better believe it." " So, go get him." " Always straight." " The owner is in for a pleasant surprise." " Quite, Mr. Chief." "Fear not, young man." "You know we take it easy in here." "No fear." "We have always favored humane treatment." " The Chief of Police!" " Mr. Jefferson!" " Look at you!" "Dreadful!" " And I didn't even step out for pleasure." " What is this gentleman doing in here?" " But that's the Halifax thief!" "Are you out of your mind?" "He is the rightful owner!" "Always straight!" " But why was he a suspect?" " Mr. Chief, we found the stone on him." " What, you had it on you?" " In my pocket, right here!" "Strange." "Anyway, Mr. Jefferson, here's your precious stone." "Many thanks." "And what I said earlier today about the police being too lenient," "I am having second thoughts about that." "Good-bye now." "Your dad is in for one hell of a row when he comes home." "Maybe he has gone out for amusement." "No need to go out for that." "I'm here for his amusement." " Tobias!" " Daddy!" "You've waited up?" "But look at you!" "Where in Christ's name have you been?" "If you must know" " I have fought robbers and thieves, I gave'em hell." " They got a good licking." " Tobias, you got into a fight!" "A fight?" "I fought ten villains for the Halifax!" " The Halifax?" " Yes, and I took it right out their hands." " Tobias, you've got it again?" " Yes, right here in my pocket!" " I've lost it again!" " You are such a nitwit, numbskull!" " Call the police at once!" " Police?" "Never." "Send me anywhere you want, but I don't want to have anything to do with the police any more." " But why?" " Ahem, they... umm  and then one more bucket, and another one..." "You go where you want to, but I will go to bed now." "Now he's really lost his marbles." "Oh, we got company?" "Big surprise, huh!" "I grabbed him before he could escape." "We should soon know who has got the Halifax now." " You think he's got it?" " Who else should?" " You superstitious bastard." " Not a nice thing to say." " You're ridiculing me in front of him." " Enough." "Now you open your mouth and talk!" " For Christ's sake!" "I do not have it!" " There, you hear, he doesn't have it." " Bullshit!" " But just look at him, he's got an honest face, I believe him." "I know where he's hidden the stone." "Swallowed it!" "And I also know how to get it out of him." "We'll pump half a liter of castor oil into him, that's how." " Will that suffice?" " Easily." "Now where's the bottle?" "I hereby declare:" "I won't drink castor oil." "Just do it." "It tastes horrible the first year, but you'll get the hang of it." " Moustache!" " Sorry, got to run." "Principal calling me." "Looky there, Moustache!" "Our baby wants to leave!" " What's the matter?" " That was not a nice thing to do." "Now let's use that funnel." " But where?" " Where?" "In his mouth!" "Hold still and open wide!" "It's not that bad, you'll live." "Now swallow it!" "We're almost done." "He's had his share now." "Well, we've emptied the bottle." "Moustache, I think we'll have to wait a while for the stuff to take effect." "Aw, I should have picked cheese instead." "How about we pump his stomach?" " Great idea." "Go get my bicycle pump." " Will do, Principal." "Bicycle pump?" "Why a bicycle pump?" " Here's the pump." " Listen, Moustache, I have a better idea." "Go get the vacuum cleaner." "Vacuum cleaner?" "Vac- vac- vacuum cleaner..." " Here you go." " Now, let's see about the vacuum cleaner." "But there's no socket here." "Hey, Moustache, you worked as a paramedic for three years, right?" "Indeed, three years, thank God." "Let's not waste time with this small change crap." "Go get me a saw." " What kind of saw?" "Like last night?" " Bullshit." "A hand saw." "We'll simply perform a Cesarean section on him." "Holy shit!" "Hand saw?" "Bicycle saw with a hand pump!" "Shouldn't we give him anesthesia?" "Anesthesia?" "OK, go get a hammer." "Shouldn't I wrap a towel around it?" "Agreed, that way he won't contract sepsis." "Now, if the patient would undress." " Stop it!" "I'll tell where the stone is." " Now you're talking!" "Here's the hammer." "We won't need that." "He's about to squeal." " We'll get the Halifax now." " Too bad." "I wouldn't have minded hitting him." "Now, boy, spill the beans." "Where is the stone?" "I have given it away." "I gave it away because it draws bad luck." "The first owner got killed... the second owner got hanged, and the third one got devoured by wild animals." " Devoured?" "All of him?" " Yes." "Nothing left." " That must have been unpleasant." " What's with the fumbling here?" "His tale upset my gall bladder, I have this terrible pressure here." "Gall bladder?" "Let me feel." "Heavens, Moustache!" "You need to see a doctor soon!" " I can feel the stone!" " Stone?" " Gallstone, of course." "Listen, I have to make a confession." "I don't fancy ending up on some animal's dining table." "Here's the Halifax, you can have it and get eaten alive yourself." "What?" "You have had it all along?" " And you let me have my way with him?" " I am really sorry." "What do you mean sorry?" "I have treated you royally, made you my partner..." " Please, not the hammer!" " Hammer?" "I'll slap you good!" "Hit him good!" " What?" "You hit back?" " I have taken the liberty..." "Good and solid, right here!" " May I say "come in"?" " Yes you may." "Come in!" "Good day." " May I serve breakfast now?" " May he?" " Yes he may." "Yes you may." " May I?" " Yes you may." "From now on, I'll be in charge of this." "I'll go to the police, and I guarantee" " I'll get the stone back." " It was just bad luck for Dad." " But my dear..." " Tobias, don't dear me." "Your father acted like a complete fool." "Come in." " Good day, ladies." " If it isn't Mr. Dupont!" "Out stealing again?" "You are wrong, kind lady." "I have come to return the stone to you." " What does that mean?" " Please follow me to the other room." "Well now I'm curious." " Don't be nervous, mylady." " I am not the least bit nervous." "Everybody stay calm, please." "May I have your attention please." "Now watch carefully, a little bit of magic coming your way." "Nothing here." "Nothing here either." "No double bottom either." "Would you please lift it off?" " Now, what do you see?" " Liverwurst." " What else?" " Some salmon." " Oh, the emerald is gone." " The emerald?" "You put it" " on top of the smoked ham?" " Yes, it was supposed to be a surprise." "And a very nice surprise at that!" "Here, that's the correct breakfast platter." "Please excuse the confusion." "You erroneously got Mr. Jefferson's breakfast platter." " It's not a problem." "Am I right, sweetie?" " Yes, we don't mind at all." " Look here!" "What is this?" " A giant emerald!" "That's the stone that has been stolen from the American gentleman next door!" "You must return it immediately without anyone noticing, or they'll arrest you!" "What, me arrested?" "Heaven forbid!" "I must return it immediately." "Oh my God, the commotion of it all!" " I am at a loss for words, very sorry." " Jessie, please get my purse." " But, my dear, you don't know..." " Oh yes, I know exactly." " But my dear..." " I know exactly what to do now." " Where are you going?" " Police." "To prove who stole the stone." " I will return with the Halifax, or not at all." " You take your own sweet time!" "We'll leave the placard hanging." "To think I already had the reward in my pocket!" " Just my luck!" " Who knows, maybe your luck will change." "Only if someone was stupid enough to actually bring the stone here to the precinct." " What's with the shaking?" " So that the schnapps goes everywhere." "You're a joker." "What a waste of good booze." " Always straight." " I need to see the Chief of Police." "Always straight, young lady." "State your business with the Chief, please." " None of your business." " Oh, is that so?" "Well, then there will be" " no meeting." "I'm off." " Wait, this is about the Halifax!" " The Halifax?" "You found it?" " No." "But it's my personal property." " So you don't believe me?" " No I don't." " What insolence!" " You probably think I stole it, right?" " Nowadays, there's no way of telling." "The Halifax!" "Don't touch it!" "My dear lady, how did that stone get into your purse?" " But I don't have the faintest idea!" " You're a liar, a liar and a thief!" " You are the Halifax thief!" " But I am an innocent woman!" "That's what they all say." "Dear lady, you, at your age, a thief!" " Tell me, how did the two of you..." " It was love at first sight!" "Oh, I used to believe in that, too - but after a while... oh, the telephone!" "What do you say?" "The Halifax is back?" "Who had it?" "A woman, you say?" "Is she beautiful?" "What, a grumpy old hag?" "Hmm, when was the last time I've been in the company of an old hag?" "Listen, I'll be right over." "And I want to ask one personal favor." "Treat that old hag exactly like you treated me." "Don't spare her." "That'll teach her not to steal somebody else's precious stones." "Now, kids, what do you say?" "I'm so happy." "And Mom will be happy, too." "I don't mind at all to prove her wrong." "Come in!" "And you two, get dressed now." " Telegram for Mr. Jefferson." " Thank you." "Kids, get ready!" "Laura, in the tub with you!" " Now, Pim, everything in order here?" " Yes, Sergeant, but Laura won't take a bath." "OK, have it your way." "But still, keep on scrubbing the floor, always straight!" "Yes, I know my way around here." "I have been here before." "Good day, Sergeant." "Remember, we've met before." "Now where's the Halifax, Sergeant?" " Right here, Mr. Jefferson." " And where is the thief?" " In her cell, of course." " And you gave her the same treatment?" "A good deal of it, too." "Please follow me." " Here's her cell." " That's the same one that I was in." " One, two, one, two..." " Very nice." " I have always been one for humane..." " He's at it again!" "Humane treatment, a laugh!" "Go for it, Laura!" "Always straight!" "Keep scrubbing, one, two, one, two...." "Mr. Jefferson, would you like to go in?" " Stealing jewels is more pleasant, right?" " Tobias!" " Laura!" " Mother!" " Tobias, save me from this madhouse!" " Did we catch another wrong person?" " My wife!" " Your wife?" " Pim, look what you've done, idiot!" " So much for the reward, right, Sergeant?" " Don't worry." "You'll get your reward." " See, I knew it, everything is straightened out" " Daddy, the telegram!" " Oh, I had all but forgotten about that." "Oh, I don't have my glasses on me." "To:" "Jefferson, Splendid Hotel." "Advise emerald acquired is forgery STOP" "Seller (van Onken) not jeweler but wanted impostor STOP" "Dept of Police Antwerp STOP" "Tobias, you must be the greatest fool that ever walked the Earth!" "Always straight!"