"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?" "Well, that was me." "Every time somethin' good happened to me, somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm going to make up for all my mistakes." "I'm just trying to be a better person." "Cync by lamao font color="#ffff00"" "EARL:" "You may wonder why me and Randy are hiding in the bushes watching a little kid." "Well, it all started about six years ago, and I don't mean our watching little kids." "Joy had recently given birth to my first illegitimate child and we didn't have a fancy nanny, so every day was "Take Your Baby to Work Day."" "MAN:" "Hurry up, Albie." "We're late." "Would you two dummies relax?" ""Aunt Edna's birthday party." "5:00-8:00."" "We got all night." "Now, who wants rich-people food?" "Ooh, y'all, they got real cheese." "Unfortunately, the family only left to pick up the guest of honor." "Aunt Edna's birthday party was here, and that changed our plans from robbing to getting the hell out." "We tried to escape, but... unfortunately our crime scene became a party scene and we were trapped." "Aren't these colors just horrific?" "George's last wife had dreadful taste." "It was every man, woman and baby for himself." "Who's that Boo Radley guy behind the plant?" "WOMAN:" "Oh, that's Rose's boy." "It's really sad." "I think he's only 11." "Everyone got out." "Everyone but me." "Can I sleep in your bedroom?" "You're too old for that, Albie." "Tell me a story, Daddy." "Okay." "Once upon a time there was a giant armadillo..." "WOMAN:" "George, are you still up there?" "You know, I should be getting back to the guests." "Sleep tight, sport." "At least leave the lights on to keep the boogeyman away." "We've been through this, Albie." "You know there's no such thing as the boogeyman." "Okay?" "Good night." "There's no such thing as the boogeyman." "There's no such thing as the boogeyman." "There's no such thing as the boogeyman." "There's no such thing as the boogeyman." "There's no such thing as the boogeyman." "There's no such thing as the boogeyman." "There is a boogeyman!" "There is a boogeyman!" "And there you have it, #239:" "Made a kid scared of the boogeyman." "Look, Earl, he's got a trampoline." "We should steal it and put it in the motel parking lot." "Then we could use it to go up and down from our room without ever having to use the stairs." "Randy, we're here for the kid, not his trampoline." "Hey, there, little guy." "It's you!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Take it easy with that fancy hammer, kid." "J-just put it down." "I'm just here to talk to you." "I explained my list and the whole boogeyman misunderstanding to Albie, and I realized, if you talk to kids like they're adults, they'll treat you with the same respect." "You're a buttwad and I hate you." "Look," "I was a buttwad, but now I'm trying not to be." "I know I can't unscare you, but maybe there is some other way I can make it up to you." "How?" "Sometimes, the people on my list, they choose how I'm going to make things up to them." "So, whatever I say, you have to do?" "Yeah, that's kinda how it works." "Be my slave all day." "RANDY:" "You should do it, Earl." "Being his slave could be cool." "You get to sing while you work." "Fine, I'll do it." "Albie's suggestion was a little childish, but he was just a kid." "Unfortunatley, he handled firearms like an adult" "Okay." "Edward, smile like your brother." "Smile." "Edmond." "Get your hands off your wee-wee." "Albie, we're gonna be back late." "Now, there's sandwich stuff in the fridge if you get hungry, okay?" "Excuse me." "Uh, if you're going to keep aiming for my crotch, do you think you could give me, like, a... an ashtray or something I could put down the front of my pants?" "I'm bored!" "Let's play Boat." "Starboard." "Starboard." "That's port." "I said starboard." "I told you, Albie, I don't know fancy sailing terms." "The engine does not talk to the captain." "It makes engine sounds." "Wrong." "Can you at least tell me what I did wrong?" "Nope." "Figure it out." "All right, I'll try, uh, turkey and mayo, no pickles." "Good luck with that." "Once it got dark, I figured I'd be able to go home, but Albie decided I needed to sleep underneath his window in case he needed something." "I'm gonna go to sleep." "Try to keep the crickets down, will you?" "How?" "Scare 'em." "You're good at that." "RANDY:" "Earl." "Earl." "How's being a slave?" "Is it fun?" "No, it isn't fun, Randy." "I got shot with paintballs, was used as a motorboat and was forced to race his dog on all fours." "That's not fair, Earl." "Dogs are used to racing on all fours." "I bet he won." "Did he win?" "Yeah, he won." "Still, great day-- paintball, and you got to race an animal." "You'll beat him next time." "You just have to practice." "Oh." "Unless the dog practices, too, which he probably will." "ALBIE:" "Earl!" "Earl!" "Where are you?" "Great." "I wonder what his highness wants now." "Bye, Earl." "Where were you?" "!" "I had to explain to my friends that I couldn't come home 'cause you might want a Hot Pocket at 2:00 in the morning." "I was here all alone and you weren't here to protect me." "That's when I started to realize there was more to Albie than just being spoiled." "And when his light stayed on all night, I knew for sure." "Albie was scared of the dark because some idiot hid under his bed, and since I was that idiot, I had to help him." "I had no idea how to cure kid problems, but I did know someone who had caused a lot of kid problems so I went to her for help." "This feels weird." "It's not weird-- it's metrosexual." "Pretty soon metrosexuality's going to hit Camden County, and when all the men start turning into half fruits," "Joy's Nails is gonna be ready." "Joy, do you remember a few months ago when Dodge was scared of the dark?" "Yeah." "Unfortunately, that was my fault, 'cause when he heard us having sex," "I told him it was me fighting off the wolf man." "JOY:" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Mommy?" "Are you okay?" "Go to bed, honey." "Mommy's just fighting off the wolf man again." "EARL:" "So how did you cure him?" "Unfortunately, he got brave one time and walked in trying to save me and saw there was no wolf man." "Just Darnell plowing me." "He still won't look me in the eye." "Okay, well, thanks for the advice." "Leave the pinkie finger long." "I use it to get between my sock and shoe to scratch my foot." "I realized the first thing I had to do to help Albie was to get him to admit his fear." "What are you doing here?" "You only had to be my slave for a day." "It's okay to be scared of the dark, Albie." "I'm not scared of the dark." "All right." "But, even if you were, it's okay." "I'm scared of stuff." "Like what?" "Well, like sewer gators." "You know, they might come up and bite me when I sit on the toilet, so most times," "I just kinda hover." "I am scared of the dark, Earl." "I'm gonna help you get over that." "Albie agreed to dim the lights a little each night as long as I was there to protect him." "Earl?" "I'm here, Albie." "I know." "I was wondering... what's it like having a moustache?" "Let me give you one piece of advice, Albie." "The second your body's ready-- grow one." "Turning down the lights that night helped Albie a little bit." "But what really helped was just talking." "The next night we dimmed the lights a little more and talked about relationships." "Why don't you ask her out?" "I don't know." "What you said really scared me." "Oh, well, Joy's a bad example." "Not all women are like that." "The next night we dimmed the lights even more and talked about some of life's biggest questions." "Well, no one really knows for sure, but I like to think the first thing that happens in heaven is that you get to watch your whole life on TV." "That's cool." "So one day we might both be watching this on TV?" "Yeah, maybe." "Hey, dead Earl." "Hey, dead Albie." "And before you knew it, the little guy didn't need the light at all." "Good night, Earl." "Good night, Albie." "Earl, wake up!" "I did it." "I slept with the lights off and I wasn't scared." "That's great, Albie." "What's that on your face?" "Snails." "I stopped swatting them off around midnight." "And after a week of sleeping on a tree full of bugs," "I was looking forward to taking a nap on real furniture full of bugs." "RANDY:" "I still can't believe you didn't call me when you were playing paintball." "It combines two of my favorite things-- toy guns and paint." "Not going to be any more paintball for me, Randy." "I'm crossing him off the list." "I want to live with you." "Wait, three things-- I also like balls." "Balls in pink, I also like balls in pink" "What do you mean you want to live with me?" "You care about me, Earl." "My dad doesn't." "I was scared of the dark for ages, and he didn't do one thing about it." "Albie went on to paint a picture of his home life." "Ever since his dad remarried and had twins," "Albie was completely ignored." "Felt bad for him." "Check it out, Earl." "It's a superhero mask." "The eyes are kind of far apart." "Oh." "Look, Albie, you can't just leave home and come live here." "The number for George Tollhurst please." "He can live here, Earl." "We'll make him sleep sideways at the foot of our bed." "You know, to keep our toes warm." "Do you have fuzzy pajamas?" "Hello, Mr. Tollhurst?" "Yeah, I just wanted you to know that I've got your son." "No, the other son." "No, the other son." "Yeah, that's him." "He's right here d I..." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Why'd you do that?" "I'm the last one he thought of." "And I don't want him to know where I am." "Yeah, it's me again." "TOLLHURST:" "Listen, I don't know who you are or what you want, but I want you to know that you have my full cooperation." "Just don't hurt Albie." "What?" "No, no, no." "You don't understand what's going on here." "Albie's sitting right next to me and he's..." "I'm not going home." "Albie, yes, you are." "Get back here." "Albie." "Albie, open up." "Is he going to be in there awhile, Earl?" "I didn't have to use the bathroom, but now that I can't, I'm getting kind of antsy." "Come on, Albie, it's been a half an hour." "Enough, okay?" "Come on out now." "ALBIE:" "How come there's two of you, but only one deodorant in here?" "Oh, we're brothers so we share." "We do?" "Earl, the motel's on TV." "Oh, my God." "They think we're..." "I'm going to go out and explain everything to them." "I don't want to go home." "If you go out there, I'll tell them you kidnapped me." "And I'll tell them I didn't." "Then I'll tell them you did." "And I'll tell them he didn't." "Then I'll tell them you put my underwear on your head." "Uh-oh." "I'm sorry, Earl." "I really did think it was a mask." "Hit." "WOMAN:" "We're in hour two of the Camden kidnappers standoff." "Usually the Palm Tree Motel isn't known for its views, but today, there may be a view to a kill." "All right, we got to do something." "We can't just stay locked up in here forever." "Why not?" "It's fun." "Albie, you're not thinking this thing through." "I mean, how long do you think we can stay locked up in here?" "We don't even have any food." "Just give up." "They said they're going to kill me if you don't give us pizza." "Albie, what are you doing?" "Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni." "Randy!" "Okay, there's got to be a way." "Maybe Catalina's outside explaining that we're not kidnappers." "She knows about Albie and my list." "Unfortunately, Catalina's an illegal immigrant and thought all the SWAT teams were out there for her." "No." "That's my son up there." "Don't worry, Albie." "We're not going to let anything happen to you." "We're not..." "When we want to use the bullhorn, we ask to use the bullhorn." "We do not snatch the bullhorn." "See?" "Your dad cares about you." "He's just saying that 'cause the cameras are here, and he doesn't want to look like a bad dad on TV." "Earl, it's almost 2:00." "Can we switch the TV over and watch Win, Lose or Draw?" "A simple misunderstanding gets a lot less simple once you add choppers and a SWAT team." "Those guys have bazookas." "EARL:" "I can't take it anymore." "I'm going out there." "I'll tell them you kidnapped me." "Fine." "You say whatever you want, Albie." "I'm going to tell the truth and take my chances." "WOMAN ( on TV ):" "The Camden Police Department has identified the kidnapper as Earl Hickey." "With me, is the alleged kidnapper's former wife Joy Turner." "Joy, what was it like being married to a monster?" "Frankly, I didn't know he was capable of something like this." "But I know earlier in the week he was asking me about spending nights with the boy." "So this was planned?" "But it was okay because the boy was on his list." "He has a list of boys?" "JOY:" "Before this goes any further-- excuse me" "I just want to say one thing-- if you're looking for a reasonably priced manicure that's gentle enough for a woman, but man enough for a half-fruit, call Joy's Nails." "We're in the book." "You know the suspect." "Do you have anything to add?" "Well, I don't know if he's watching, but if he is, hey, Earl." "Hey, Crab Man." "See, what I'd do is push these cuticles back." "They'd look a lot more clean..." "Is this really what you need to be doing right now?" "Sir, it's a waiting game." "Look, I'm tired of waiting!" "That's not cool, man." "He's leaving." "He's not even pretending to care anymore." "Albie, pretending that you're kidnapped isn't helping your relationship with your dad." "And to be honest, it's straining our relationship a little bit." "Will you stop poking me?" "I'm just trying to catch that cool little dot that's on your back." "Now it's on your belly." "It went away." "There it is." "There's been a new development in the child kidnapping case." "The victim's father has climbed the fire escape to the motel roof." "What is that jackass doing?" "Well, I'll be damned." "RANDY:" "Hey, look, I see your dad's legs on TV and out there in real life, too." "Shoot that idiot with a beanbag." "Albie..." "Dad!" "Dad?" "Are you okay?" "Let's go home, Albie." "It was hard to be upset with Albie." "He was just a kid who wanted to know that his dad loved him." "Even though he could be a pain sometimes, seeing Albie happy made me happy, too." "I just wish he was a little quicker to explainour situation to the police." "Hey, look, Earl, fancy smoke." "Oh, it's making me sad." "Randy, put it down." "But it's so pretty." "Randy, put that thing..." "Randy, put it down!" "I really like it, Earl." "Put it down, Randy!" "( sobbing ):" "It's really pretty." "( coughing ) Randy, put it down." "It's so pretty, Earl." "Do you see how pretty it is?" "Hey, Earl." "Yeah, Randy" "¿You hear abou me and the Cheeto?" " No, what happened?" " Oh, it was pretty amazing." "I was eating some Cheetos, and I missed my mout with one, and it bounced off my chin, and onto my shoulder, and then it rolled all over down my arm and right back into the bag." "That was pretty amazing." "Yeah." "Everyone at the Crab Shack is talking about it." "Good..." "Night, Randy." "Good night, Earl." "I made it up, Earl." "I know you did." "Last year you told me the same story about a Good'n'Plenty." "It be pretty cool if it happened, right?" "Yeah, it'd be cool."