"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true." "Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting. "" "Oh, what an extraordinary thought!" "Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I'm more than willing to believe Shakespeare had." "I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should." "I'm constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives." "It was Shakespeare who also said, "Love is blind. "" "Now that is something I know to be true." "For some, quite inexplicably, love fades." "For others, love is simply lost." "But then, of course, love can also be found, even if just for the night." "And then there's another kind of love, the cruellest kind, the one that almost kills its victims." "It's called unrequited love." "Of that, I am an expert." "Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other, but what about the rest of us?" "What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone?" "We are the victims of the one-sided affair." "We are the cursed of the loved ones." "We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space." "Yes, you are looking at one such individual and I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years, the absolute worst years of my life." "The worst Christmases, the worst birthdays," "New Year's Eves brought in by tears and Valium." "These years that I've been in love have been the darkest days of my life, all because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back." "Oh, God, just the sight of him." "Heart pounding, throat thickening, absolutely can't swallow." "All the usual symptoms." "Oh, Jasper." "Don't tell me you're still..." "No, no, no, no, that's over." "Very over." "What's the story with you two, anyway?" "You were shagging him, weren't you?" "More importantly, I was in love with him, truth be known." "Yes, yes, I remember." "Then you found out he was shagging that drip from Circulation." "Which is when I stopped shagging him." "I don't think we should be talking about this at the office party." "But I always see you two together." "He cheated on you, but you stayed friends?" "I was head over heels, you know?" "Everyone knew." "Oh, no." " Does it look like I'm crying right now?" " No, no, no." "No, no, no." "No, it just looks like it's the smoke from my cigarette." "Did he ever actually tell you that he loved you back?" "Yes." "Three, almost four times and when I've reminded him of that, he said that it must have been as an answer to a question, which, by the way, it absolutely was not." "You know, Iris, when you catch your guy with another woman, you're not supposed to stay friends with him." "You're supposed to never talk to the prick again." "You're supposed to throw things at him, scream, call him names," " not do his blooming laundry." " I don't do his laundry." "Did someone tell you I do his laundry?" "No, no, all we do now is we e-mail." "Not when he's with her, of course." "Also, when he's not with her, we talk on the phone, sometimes for hours, and then there's the occasional long lunch." "You know, I never realized how pathetic you are." "Really?" "Oh, God." "I'm so aware of it." "They always know just how to get us, don't they?" "He knows whenever he wants to come crawling back into your life..." "Actually, he has made some small comments like that recently." "Well, he hasn't exactly come right out and said it, but he's..." " Iris." " Yeah?" " Did you file your story?" " Oh, no, not yet." "Oh!" "Down to the wire." "Sorry." "Better go." ""Groom's best friend spoke for many guests when he said," ""'Hilary will open Edward's eyes" ""'and round out his life. '"" "Okay, I've got a question for you." "What's it like to be the only person committed to their work while the rest of us are slumming?" "You mean what's it like to be the only person not to finish their work on time?" "Hold on, don't..." "Don't go." "Is it fun having a brain that works that fast?" " Shut up." " No, I mean it." " Probably a brilliant finish, too." " I assure you it's not." " Hi, Simpkey." " Hi." "Your column today was fantastic." "God, I loved that line." ""The onrushing stripping of dignity and thought from British lives. "" "Great writing." "Hey, I got you something for Christmas." "That's convenient, 'cause I got you something, too." "Oh, darling, I don't actually have my gift with me." "In fact, I've probably mislaid it, but I know I got you something." "I expect it's somewhere in my car." "Do you want to know what it is?" "No." "No, no, that's okay." "I know you're gonna look hot in it." "Well, let's hope you find it, then." "Not exactly something hot, but Happy Christmas." "Thank you." "I didn't think we'd actually get a chance to do this this year." "Remember, last Christmas we exchanged gifts in March." "This is good." "We're getting better." "You stinker." "It's a first edition." "Where did you find it?" "Buried in that little place we found in Covent Garden that time." "Why are you so great?" "Everyone, can I have your attention, please?" "Just a couple minutes." "Thank you." "Hate it that we can never talk." "Hate it." "Well, first of all, a very Happy Christmas to each and every one of you." "Now, we're not officially closed, as you very well know, but we are going to try and get by this week with a smaller than normal staff." "But before some of you rush off on holiday," "I do have one rather important announcement." "Now, this affects Iris." "Iris Simpkins, where are you?" " Here, sir." " Iris, I have a tip for you." "Excellent." "A wedding was privately announced earlier today that I don't believe any other paper in town knows about, and I want you to be the first to report on this particular union, as it is between two of our most esteemed colleagues." "May I introduce the newly-engaged Sarah Smith-Alcott and Jasper Bloom!" "Well, if I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have worn my good suit." "Let's celebrate!" "Everyone, drink the champagne and eat the canap Бs here so we can save money and elope." "Amanda!" "Amanda?" "Look." "May I just say again that I did not sleep with her." "Right, because your receptionist needs to work till 3:00 in the morning." "A bunch of us were working all night." "She wanted to hang out." "Okay." "Then swear on my life that you didn't sleep with her." "Oh, come on." "Go ahead." "Look, I don't wanna..." "I'm not gonna..." "Your receptionist, Ethan?" "You know, this is why I knew that we were smart never to get married." "This is why I told you never to get rid of your house." "You know, somewhere inside, I knew this about you." "Okay, first of all, can you please calm down?" "All right?" "Because I did not sleep with her." "All right?" "And secondly, we've had problems for over a year, and I know you don't want to deal with that but we have." "Oh, I am well aware we've had problems for the last year." "If I work a little bit too much, I never stop hearing about it, but if you work too much, maestro, it's for the sake of your music." "If you work too much?" "Amanda, you cut 75 trailers this year, you put a cutting room in the house and you sleep with your BlackBerry." "And I'm not even gonna have a conversation with you about sex because I can't remember the last time we did it." "Come on, nobody has time for sex." "That's not entirely true." "That's it!" "You absolutely slept with her." "Seriously, you have to get out." "Oh, God." "You know what I really think, Ethan?" "I don't think you ever really loved me." " How's that?" " Oh, please." "No, I think you love the idea of you and me, but not so much me." "Not me." "Not really." "Look, I did the best I could." "Is anybody good enough for that job?" "I will send you your things." "You know you do this, right?" "I mean, you screw up every relationship you've ever been in." "It's what you do." "You didn't really want to be a couple!" " You resist it in your own way!" " Shut up!" "And it's hard to detect how you even do it because nobody's quite as smart as you." "So you're hard to catch at it, but it always surfaces, and this is what happens." " What happens?" " Things end." "Just like you knew they would." "Amanda, you know how I feel about you." "There's nobody like you." "You just don't want to be what I need." " Well, not what I need." " What?" "I mean, you know..." "You know what I mean." "You know, I would never cheat on you." "Not under any conditions." "And neither would I, okay?" "I mean, look at me, I'm down here sweating like a pig, and look at you." "I mean, you're the only woman on the face of the earth who breaks up with her boyfriend and doesn't even shed a tear?" "I mean, that's gotta mean something, right?" "Why does it bug you so much that I can't cry?" "Oesophageal spasm." "God, it's a big one." " No, it's okay." "I'll be all right." " I know, I know." " I'm thinking about me." " Ethan, look, it's over." "You know, we might as well be honest with each other." "Just tell me." "Did you sleep with her?" "Just say it." "What's the difference at this point, right?" "I mean, why torture me?" "Just..." "Just put me out of my misery." " God, what are we doing here?" " Okay." "Yes, okay?" "I slept with her." "Are you happy?" "I've been sleeping with her." "She's in love with me." "She's young." "Look, this is not a proud moment for me." "I mean, you should just know that." "Amanda!" " Did you say am I happy?" " I didn't mean that." "You know, you get me nuts sometimes." "I say things I don't mean." "In the world of love, Ethan, not that I'm such a genius at it, but in the world of love, cheating is simply not acceptable." "No matter what you think..." "I know you have a very high opinion of yourself." " This isn't all me." " Okay." "So when you're not in such a rage, I think you'll see that, too." "Yeah, maybe." "Maybe when I stop having visions of you two together," "I will see your side." "You gotta be..." "I punched him in the face." " Is this a bad time?" " No." " No, I'm just, I'm just flipping out a little bit." " Oh, okay." "God." "Okay, no, I'm okay." "God, how did this happen?" "No." "You know what?" "I'm all right." "Hi." "What's up?" "Ben needs you." "Rebecca Green was just your average 20-year-old until the father she never knew left her something she never expected." "Don't scream." " Your father left you something in his will." " I never met my father." "Well, at least now you know he was interesting." "Deception." " How do you happen to have two guns?" " I didn't think one would be enough." "Amazing!" "It finally looks like a hit." "And that is why they pay you the big bucks." "I think we should just go back to the original cut on the end." " It's so much stronger." " I agree." "And make Christmas Day twice as big, but try it in a red." "Like, a happy red, not, like, a Scorsese red." "Happy red." "Okay, so we're done." " Okay." " All right!" "Hey, you know, let's just take off for a few weeks." " Yeah." " What do you mean, " Yeah"?" "I'm not kidding." "You always say that this is our busiest time." "I need to get out of town." "You know, I think I need some peace and quiet, or whatever it is people go away for." "You know what I really want to do?" "I want to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself." "You know, I want to read a book, not just a magazine." "An actual book." "For years I read these reviews, I buy the books, but I never read them." "Did you read that article in The New York Times last Sunday?" "Severe stress makes women age prematurely, because stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink until they can no longer replicate." "So when we're stressed, we look haggard." "This is just women, not men." "I'm sorry." "And remember when they used to say that single women over the age of 35 were more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to get married?" "Okay, that was horrible, but now our generation is also not getting married and, bonus, real terrorists actually became part of our lives so the stress of it all shows up on our faces, making us look haggard" "while Ethan goes on looking cute forever and shtupping his 24-year-old receptionist!" "Oh, my God!" "See what I mean?" "I need a vacation." "Okay." "Where do I want to go by myself at Christmas?" "By myself, depressed at Christmas." "All alone on vacation." "Alone, alone." "Totally alone." "Oh, please, just give me one." "One tear." "Okay, moving on." ""Worry-Free Vacations. " Good." "Where's that?" ""Kayak for one"?" "No, thank you." ""Vacation Rentals. " I could do that." "Hole up in a house somewhere." "Disappear for a few weeks." "I like that idea." "Where do they speak English?" ""Click on a town or city. " Let's see." "Which looks exactly like the Valley." ""A fairy tale English cottage set in a tranquil country garden." ""Snuggle up by an old stone fireplace and enjoy a cup of cocoa." ""An enchanting oasis of tranquility in a quiet English hamlet," ""just 40 minutes from exciting London. "" "Yeah." "What am I doing?" "Low point." "Low point." ""I'm interested in renting your house. "" ""I'm wondering if your house is available this Christmas" ""because if it is, you could be a real lifesaver. "" ""I know it's ridiculously late to be asking," ""but if you're at all interested, please contact me. "" ""I'm very interested, but the cottage is really only available for home exchange. "" "Home exchange." "What is that?" ""I haven't done it before but friends of mine have. "" "Where are you?" "Please say somewhere far away." "L.A.?" "I'm Iris, by the way." "I'm very normal." "Neat freak." "Healthy." "Non-smoker." "Single." "Hate my horrible life." "Loner, loser and complicated wreck." "Hi." "Hi." "I must say, your house looks idyllic." ""Just what I need. " Really?" "What does your place look like?" "My place is nice, but it's a little bigger than yours." "Honestly?" "Okay, we are on for two weeks, starting tomorrow." " Hi." " Hi." " How are you?" " Fine." " Honey, we're sitting there." " Oh, sorry." "Oh, yes, there it is." " Well, hello, dear." " Hello." "Excuse me." "There we go." " I'm so sorry." " No, no, it's okay." "Don't worry." " Really, dear." "Oh, goodness." " It's okay." "Clumsy me!" "There you go." "Oh, thanks, love, that looks good." "Could I have another glass of Bordeaux, please?" "Amanda Woods is proud to present Her Life." "She had it all." "Yes!" "That's it!" "The job." "The house." "The guy." "This holiday season find out what Amanda doesn't have." "This is amazing." "This is amazing." "Oh, look at that!" "Madam?" "Madam?" " Madam!" " Yeah!" " We're here." " Okay." "This can't be it." " No, it's just down that lane." "But the thing is I'll never be able to turn this round at the other end." "Think you can make it from here?" "No." "You wouldn't happen to know where Rosehill Cottage is?" "Right at the bridge and then just keep going way down there." "Okay." "I'm here!" "Holy shit!" "Oh, my God!" "Okay, that'll be interesting." "Gonna get in there." "Okay!" "Cute dress." "Oh, suitcase." "Okay." "Now what?" "I can do this." "I can drive on the wrong side of the road." "And the wrong side of the car." "Just stay focused." "Oh, please do not hit me." "Okay, I hate this." "Oh, God." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." " Move out of the away!" "Watch it!" "Sorry." "Stop!" "Oh, God." "I need a drink." "Someone's having a party tonight." "Oh, yeah." "They went to the shops, didn't really see anything they liked, came home and had a big proper kiss and hug." "The end." "Rebecca Green was just your average 20-year-old until the father she never knew left her something she never expected." " How do you happen to have two guns?" " I didn't think one would be enough." "Deception." "Christmas Day." "And that's why they pay me the big bucks." "And now the weather." "Most of northern England and North Wales will have sleet and snow in the morning and again later in the day." "Jealousy, turning saints into the sea" "Swimming through sick lullabies" "Choking on your alibis" "But it's just the price I pay" "Destiny is calling me" "Open up my eager eyes" "'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside" "Blinked." "Yes!" "Oh, that's intense." "Oh, no." "Gate?" " Who was he with?" " Maggie!" "The flutes, this is the best part." "Hello..." "Hello." "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" " Yeah, it's Miles." "Amanda?" "No, I'm sorry." "Amanda's not here, I'm afraid." "I'm trying to figure out how to open the gates." " Very nice." " If you heard that, I'm sorry." " Hi!" " Hi." " I'm so sorry." "I'm new at the gate thing." " It's okay." "It was pretty funny." "I'm Miles." "I work with Ethan." " Ethan?" " Amanda's ex." "Oh, right!" "Right." "Do you know when she'll be back?" "I'm supposed to pick up a couple things." "Amanda's in England, actually." "On holiday." "I'm staying here for a few weeks while she's away." " You okay?" " Yes." " Yeah, something just blew into my eye." " Oh, I hate that." "Let me see." "Yep, you got something in your eyelash." "You want me to get it?" " Okay." "Thanks." " Okay." " Yeah, Santa Anas." " Pardon?" "The wind." "It's what makes it so warm this time of year." "Legend has it when the Santa Anas blow, all bets are off." "Anything can happen." "That's it." " You okay?" " Better." "Thank you." " So, you needed to..." " Pick up Ethan's laptop." "And, and you're his..." "Well, I'm a film composer, too, like Ethan, but..." " Did you compose this?" " This?" " It's beautiful." " Yes, I did." "I wrote this." "No, I didn't." "I wish I did." "It's the great Ennio Morricone." "Would you mind coming back tomorrow?" "I just want to check this with Amanda's assistant." "Sure." " I'm Iris, by the way." " Miles." " Right." " And this is my Maggie." "I mean, just Maggie." "Not my Maggie." " Hello." " Hey." " MAGGIE:" "Are you ready?" " Yeah." "Okay." " Don't blow away!" " I won't." "Well." "Anything can happen." "Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. 1:00 a. m. in London." " Who is it?" " It's me." "Hurry up." "It's freezing." " Who are you?" " Iris, open the door, or I swear I'm gonna take a leak all over your front porch." "Oh." "You're not Iris." "Or if you are, I'm much drunker than I realized." "I'm sorry for my profanity." "I wasn't expecting you." "Well, I wasn't expecting you, either." "Nevertheless, may I just..." "Oh, yeah, of course, sure, you had to..." "Yeah." " I'm Graham." "Iris' brother." " Oh, brother." "Well, I'm Amanda Woods." "I'm staying here." " Amandawoods?" "Is that all one word?" " No." "No, it's not." "So Iris is..." "Where is..." "Where is she?" "She didn't tell you?" "She could've done, but as previously stated, I'm a..." "I'm just, I've been on the..." " She's in Los Angeles." " That's not possible." " Iris never goes anywhere." " Well, we have that in common." "No, she listed this cottage on a home exchange website and I found it." "We switched houses for two weeks for the holiday." "She's in L.A. at my house and I'm here." " People actually do that?" " Apparently." "Yeah." "I mean, it seems." "Here I am in my pajamas." "She did ring me last night." "I didn't get a chance to get back to her." "I feel awful now." "Would you mind if I sat?" "I feel like I might bump into you." "Sure." "Yeah." "Sit." "Oh, God." " You okay?" " Yeah." "I'm good." "Look, I'm sorry about the intrusion." "Although I may not appear it, I am, in fact, Iris' semi-respectable big brother." "But on the rare, or lately not so rare, occasion that I frequent the local pub and get inordinately pissed, my little sister puts me up so I don't get behind the wheel." "Pathetic explanation, but, unfortunately, it's become a bit of a routine." "So how's it going so far?" "I mean, up until I showed up and ruined your night." "Well, it's not going so great." "Yeah, I'm leaving tomorrow on a noon plane." " Oh." "When did you get here?" " About six hours ago." "We've made a great impression on you, haven't we?" "No, it's not that." "It's just that, you know, I'm not quite myself right now." "I came here on a stupid whim." "Honestly, I've never thought about anything less." "It's very unlike me." "Would you like something to drink?" "Glass of water?" "Tea?" "Wine, maybe?" "I think there's a bottle of brandy." " You fancy a glass?" " Sure." "Good." "So, I'm sorry, I've totally blanked and forgotten your name." "Amanda." "So, Amanda, you're not married, are you?" "Why?" "Do I look not married?" "No, it was just a backwards way of asking if you were married." "No, not at all." "Don't know what that means." "I mean, no, I'm not married." "Me, either." "Here you go." " Cheers." " Cheers." "So is it horrible if I stay?" "I'll be gone before you even wake up." "I promise you will never lay eyes on me again." " No, that's fine." "Sure." " Thank you." "Let me just get you a blanket." "In the cupboard on top of the Scrabble." "So why is it you aren't quite yourself at the moment?" "Well, I just broke up with someone." " Yesterday." " Ah." "And I guess what I was feeling was that I didn't want to be alone over the holidays, and I thought that if I was somewhere else that I wouldn't realize that I was alone." "But then I got here, and I've never felt more alone in my life." "Big surprise." " Bet you're glad you knocked on this door." " I am, actually." "Yeah, well..." " Sorry and good night." " Sweet dreams." "Do you think you could..." "Would you mind trying that again?" "Bad?" "Weird." " Kissing a total stranger." " Really?" "I do it all the time." "Let me try this." "Maybe if I closed my eyes." "You know, given that I'm in a bit of a personal crisis and I find myself in a total stranger's home in a town that I can't actually remember the name of and considering that you showed up and you're, like, insanely good-looking" "and really drunk and probably won't remember me anyway," "I'm thinking we should have sex." "If you want." " Is that a trick question?" " I'm actually serious." "And not that this matters, but I've never said anything like that in my entire life before." "It's just that this whole knowing that I'll never see you again thing is kind of exciting." "I mean, this is what a vacation's supposed to be, right?" "You're supposed to vacate your life, do the unexpected, and you are definitely unexpected." "This all sounded really wonderful till I became the cabana boy." "You're funny, which is like a bonus." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Never meet me when I'm sober." " Deal." "Oh, also I should warn you." "I'm not very good at this." " This being?" " Sex." "Okay, now that cannot be true." "Nevertheless, the guy that I lived with mentioned it once or twice and a girl does not forget a comment like that." "Not even me." "I mean..." "I mean, how bad could I be?" "I mean, sex is pretty basic, right?" " Am I pretty much talking you out of this?" " Strangely, not at all." " How do you feel about foreplay?" " I think it's overrated." "Significantly overrated." "You are quickly becoming one of the most interesting girls I've ever met." "Look at you." "You're already better than you think." " Good morning." " Good morning." "I lost my contacts last night, somehow." " Much better." " Yeah." " Can I help you with that?" " I should know how to do this." "You're supposed to plug them in over here, right." "So, Amanda, I just really..." "Yeah, you know, listen, you don't have to worry about a thing here." "Okay?" " Okay." " I mean, it was great" " meeting you, and everything." " Definitely." "Also, for the record, your ex-boyfriend is, in my opinion, extremely mistaken about you." " Well, yeah, you were drunk." " Not all that drunk." "Yeah." " Oh, that's mine." " Got it." "Sophie." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to look." "I'll call her back." "Coffee cups." " Here." " Thank you." " You don't want one?" " I should probably be going." "Oh, yeah, you know, I gotta get going in a few minutes myself." "So, listen." "I know you're leaving and absolutely not interested in getting involved, but just so you know, things in my life are a little bit complicated, and even if you were staying," "I can promise you, you wouldn't for one minute..." "You really don't have to do this." "Look, I'm sort of a mess in this area myself and anyway, I mean, honestly, we hardly know each other." "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that, but I just want to assure you," " you're better off." "I'm..." "You see..." " Okay." "No need to go on." "Right." "Well, I just want to be sure you are okay, because somehow I find I tend to hurt women simply by being myself." "So..." "I'm not going to fall in love with you, I promise." "Okay." "Nicely put." "Thank you." "No, it's just that I know myself." "I'm not sure I even fall in love." "Not like the way other people do." "How's that for something to admit?" "Well, like I said, Most Interesting Girl award." " I'm gonna try to see that as a compliment." " You should." "Absolutely." "Right." "Okay, then." "Well, utter honesty." "Very refreshing." "Well, you probably won't be hearing from me because even if you wanted to, and you clearly don't," "I have the classic male problem of no follow-through." "Absolutely never remember to call after a date," "but since this wasn't a date, I guess I'm off the hook." "Exactly." "But what if I wanted to call you?" "Right." "Sorry." "Apparently not the right thing to say at all." "Well, if your flight's canceled or for some reason you change your mind," "I'm having dinner with some friends at the pub tonight and if not, then," "well, you're lovely." "So are you." "Attention, passengers." "This is the final boarding call for British Airways flight 422 to Amsterdam." "Amanda wasn't looking for love, but that doesn't mean it didn't find her." "Very well, ma'am." "You're good to go." "Thank you." "Thank you, Amanda." " Hello?" "Where am I finding you?" " Jasper." " Is it okay that I'm calling you?" "I suppose so." "How are you?" "Could we start with a less complicated question?" " What's wrong?" " I'm having some real problems with this section of my book." "I can use some Iris." "Would it be awful if I send you some pages?" "Just tell me if it is." "I don't want to mess you up, but I know that you're the only one who can really help me." "No." "Well, I mean..." "If you need me." "Well, you know you are my little survival kit." "So, Simpkey, you put on that little red bikini yet?" "You know, the one that unties at the back?" "How do you remember my little red bikini?" " I remember everything." " Do you?" "You know, just the other day I was thinking about that time that we took..." "Darling, I've just arrived at Soho House." "Meet some friends for drinks." " Oh, okay." " Here, keep the change." "Bloody cold over here." "Okay, I'm sending you the pages tomorrow." " Look for them, will you?" " Yeah." " And have some fun today, okay?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Graham!" " We didn't think you were coming, mate." " Come on, man." "Oh, no, is he lost?" "Excuse me." "Hello." " Can I offer you a lift home?" " Why?" " You know where I live?" " I believe I do, yes." "Good." "Then that makes one of us." " Your house is lovely." " I've lived here 47 years." "Back then there were only six houses on this block." "Every year they tear another one down, not that I blame them." "They weren't that great to begin with." "But that's how I got confused." "I didn't recognize one house." "That would be confusing." "What part of England are you from?" " Surrey." " Cary Grant was from Surrey." " That's right, he was." " Yeah." " How did you know that?" " Oh, he told me once." "Well, I thank you very much, young lady." "Let me help you with that." "Okay." "Yeah, I some..." "Oh, thank you." "There you go." " Well, this was some meet cute." " Sorry?" "It's how two characters meet in a movie." "Say, say, a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and they both go to the same men's pajama department." "Right." "And the man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms. "" "The woman says, " I just need a top. "" "They look at each other, and that's the meet cute." "Oh, I see." "Of course, this isn't quite that cute, but..." " So you're in the film business?" " Was." "Yes, yes, I was." "I was a writer." " I could be here till tomorrow." " Oh, here." "Let me." "Thank you." "Oh, my God." "Well, goodbye, then." "I enjoyed our meet cute." "Well, thank you." "Thank you for rescuing me." "Oh, it's a pleasure." "Absolutely." "You know, I hope you don't find this strange, but I've just arrived here and, well, I don't really know anyone, and I was thinking of going out for dinner tonight." "Well, if you're not busy would you like to join me?" "Busy?" "Honey, I haven't been busy since 1978." "I was his office boy for a year." "I learned everything working in his office." " Best job I ever had." " Wait, wait, wait." "That was your first job in Hollywood, Louis B. Mayer's office boy?" "Actually, my first job was as a Western Union messenger." "That's how I met Mayer." "I delivered a telegram to his office at MGM." "When I walked in, all the girls in the office were in a tizzy." "Their office boy didn't show up." "I volunteered for the job." "The next day I was on the payroll." " I was 17 years old." " Wow!" " Yeah." " So, was Hollywood really as great" " back then as I imagine?" " It was better." "You know what I've been asking myself all night?" "What?" "Why I'm bothering you with all these questions?" "I'm wondering why a beautiful girl like you would go to a stranger's house for her Christmas vacation and, on top of that, spend Saturday night with an old cocker like me." "Well, I just wanted to get away from the people I see all the time." "Well, not all the people." "One person." "I wanted to get away from one guy." "An ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me." " Sorry." " So he's a schmuck." "As a matter of fact, he is a huge schmuck." "How did you know?" "He let you go." "This is not a hard one to figure out." "Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend." "You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you're behaving like the best friend." "You're so right." "You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God's sake." "Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well." "That was brilliant." "Brutal but brilliant." "Thank you." "I haven't had that much to drink in..." "Oh, what am I saying?" " I've never had that much to drink." " Yes." "I believe no one ever has." "Okay, the last thing I remember, I was coming in here last night..." " I had nothing to do with that." " Oh, I know, but you were here." " I was." " Oh, God." "So I guess we..." "Did we?" " We didn't?" " We did not." "Oh, thank God." "I mean, not " thank God", but just thank God." "'Cause I didn't remember..." "So why didn't we..." "Just remind me a little." "Call me old-fashioned, but one doesn't have sex with women who are unconscious." "Unconscious?" "Oh, God." "That must have been really attractive." "Oh, why did you stay?" " Because you asked me to." " I did, didn't I?"