"The light down here is really awful." "Maybe you need reading glasses, or you could learn to hold a book with your feet." "That I can do." "The hard part's licking my toes to turn the pages." "Besides I told you my eyes are fine." "Well, at least turn the book right-side up." "What?" "I made you look 'cause you can't see." "Real funny." "Books are stupid anyway." "What are you looking at?" "Oh, I was cleaning out the laundry room and I found a bunch of my mom's old sketch pads." "Wow, I thought her only talent was opening a bottle of wine with a chopstick and a pair of pliers." "Well... she could do lots of stuff." "As you know, she can put her ankles behind her head." "Yeah, she showed me the second time I met her." "I kept saying, "I believe you, I believe you,"" "but she already had her shoes off." "Yeah, I remember." "That's why we can't go back to that Olive Garden." "They-they're really good though." "Right?" "I mean, her use of color and shading." "There's some real talent here." "Yeah, very lifelike." "Hey, look at the naked chubby guy with the bowl of fruit in his lap." "God!" "That's my dad and that wasn't a bowl of fruit." "Please get some glasses!" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love." "Oh, my God, these drawings are really great." "Right?" "I mean, did you have any idea" "Mom had this kind of talent?" "Not a clue." "Mm-hmm." "The most impressive thing I've seen her do is spear a pickle out of a jar using her tongue." "The thing got my engagement ring out of the drain." "Her tongue is like a Swiss Army knife." "Good morning." "Hey, Mom." "Vin and I are heading to Lincoln Park." "He likes to sip espresso and feed the ducks." "Since I'm a kid." "I can't get enough of our fine feathered friends." "Especially ducks and swans." "Any of your water fowl." "There's this cockeyed mallard that, I swear to God, thinks Vince is his mama." "I call him Anthony." "He's so dear." "Where'd you girls dig that up from?" "In the basement." "You know, Mom, these are really good." "Why'd you give it up?" "Two reasons." "You and you." "No time for that nonsense when you're raising kids." "Hey, l-let's hit it, doll." "If we're late Anthony worries and starts pecking at his own ass." "He loves those ducks..." "if it were up to me," "I'd just shoot them, kebab them and add orange sauce." "She gave all this up for us." "That's so sad." "I know." "Hey, is that Daddy holding a banana?" "Yes and no." "Well, it certainly explains your mom's resentment towards you, but why's she always giving me the stink eye?" "Well, some of that's the toilet seat thing." "And after two years, I can't say that I blame her." "Well, at least I flush now." "I don't get any points for that?" "No, you're not gonna get points for just... not living like an ape." "When did this become about me?" "I just don't want to resent our kids because I didn't do all of the things that I wanted to do." "Well, you can't draw." "The bells you drew for our wedding invitation looked like two hams taking a walk." "That was a rough sketch with a Magic Marker." "Besides I'm not talking about drawing." "Good, 'cause you can't draw." "My point is..." "I just..." "there's still things that I want to do before we start a family." "Is this about shooting my gun again?" "'Cause going to the range is one thing, going to the dump and picking off rats is another." "I was half-drunk and... mostly kidding." "You tried to take it out of my holster." "I was being flirty." "Learn to pick up on a signal, buddy." "Sorry." "So, are you flirting with me now?" "No." "I'm just saying you must have certain goals that you still want to accomplish before we start a family." "Mm, married, flat-screen TV, my own bowling ball." "Nope, Daddy done." "Well, this old filly still has a few races to run, a couple of mountains to climb." "Well, go for it..." "follow your dreams." "And if your dreams take you by a store, we need milk." "Yeah, I know we do... you put the empty carton back in the fridge." "The trash can was full." "We're gonna mix things up while we still can." "Well..." "what do you want to do?" "I... don't know." "Something that I've always wanted to do." "We're gonna learn to roller skate." "I can't put down a toilet seat or throw away a milk carton, and you want to put wheels on me?" " Here?" " No." "Here?" "Back a little further." "Here?" "Okay, right there." "Oh, they brought back turkey sausage." "Man, why do you even look at this menu?" "You got it memorized, plus you order the same thing every day." "No, I don't." "Denver omelet, three strips of bacon and whole wheat toast." "Denver omelet, three strips of bacon and whole wheat toast." "Already on the grill, buttercup." "For you?" "I'll have the same." "Except make the bread white, the bacon sausage and the eggs scrambled." "Already on the grill." "You get that one day I'll snap, right?" "Oh, yeah, we got a betting pool on it." "Yeah, if you go postal between Christmas and New Year's," "I'll split my winnings with you." "Assuming you're one of the survivors." "Yeah, maybe we are in kind of a rut." "Yeah, I feel like I live a pretty full life." " I mean, I'm certainly no risk taker." " Mm." "What about that time you sat on the Styrofoam cooler at the police picnic?" "That was daredevil behavior." "I rolled the dice and I lost." "No, everybody lost." "And spent the whole day drinking warm beer and eating flat hot dogs." "The cooler looked like an airplane crash sight." "Well..." "I didn't hear anybody complaining about my weight when I anchored the tug-of-war." "Aw, nah." "You certainly walked away a hero that day." "Even with the deviled eggs stuck to your butt." "You know, maybe I should try mixing it up" " a little bit." " Mm." "Hey, I still have my trombone from high school and I always wanted to form my own Dixieland band." "Well, to that idea, may I just say, "No, Susanna."" "Scoff if you want, but Dixieland is an underappreciated American art form." "It used to be, but now it's just bad jazz for white folks." "Look, you never see Miles Davis walking around in a straw hat wearing garters on his sleeves." "That's true... it's a hard look to pull off unless you're scooping ice cream or picking up garbage at Disneyland." "There you are, gentlemen." "A walk on the wild side." "Do you have any...?" "Ketchup." "How about any...?" "Hot sauce." "Thanks." "I'll be back in 12 minutes with your sticky bun and your seltzer water and toothpick." "Or maybe just a meat cleaver and a Hefty bag." "Hey, sweetie, you're home early." "Yeah, somebody pulled the fire alarm during last period." "Boy, those brats will do anything to get out of class." "Ah, brats, teachers, when you're getting out early, you don't ask a lot of questions." "What's this?" "Well, you've given me so much," "I wanted to do something nice for you." "Is it the eight grand you owe me?" "Better... sketch pads and colored pencils." "I'd rather have the dough." "You've made that very clear." "And also I got this college catalog that has a lot of art classes." "Oh, Molly, I don't have time for this kind of stuff." "What, you'd rather sit in the park with Vince feeding the ducks?" "It's fun." "Plus they really respond to him." "He's-he's like a greasy Dr. Dolittle." "All right, let's shake a tail feather." "The coupon for the Chinese buffet isn't good after 6:00." "And at 5:45, the cheapskate owner hides in the kitchen for 16 minutes." "That's why you got to get there why the egg foo is still young." "Well, Mom, at least, you know, at least think about it." "Oh, Molly..." "Think about what?" "Vince, you are married to an artist." "Did you know that?" "You bet." "She can put her ankles behind her head and push her glasses up with her tongue." "Not that." "My daughter, the school teacher, is trying to get me to take an art class at the college." "Right, what are you gonna do?" "Play Hacky Sack in the quad?" "You'll break a hip." "What are you saying, pal, that I'm too old to go back to college?" "Yeah, that's exactly what he's saying." "Way to be supportive, troll." "Hey!" "This is between me and your mother." "You're not going to college." "You don't tell me what to do, bub." "Yeah, you don't tell anybody in this house what to do, bub." "Don't bark at me." "I-I'm just trying to keep you from embarrassing yourself." "I was actually pretty good." "Yeah, not pretty good..." "really good." "Come on, just because she drew a pretty horsey 40 years ago, now she's Grandma Moses?" "Grandma Moses?" "Nice." "Very nice." "He's calling you old again." "Stay out of this..." "she didn't even catch that one." "I think I'll skip the buffet tonight." "You can eat alone." "Alone." "It's a two-for-one coupon..." "what am I gonna do?" "I'm gonna look like an idiot sitting there by myself." "You look like an idiot sitting in a room full of idiots." "Molly, let's you and I pick out an art course for Mama." "Oh, absolutely." "Don't order the Peking duck 'cause it might be one of your little buddies." "After that statement," "I fear our relationship will never recover." "Really?" "I make one duck comment and my dreams come true!" "Look at us." "We're out, we're having fun." "Yeah, fun." "Hey, slow down!" "You got beginners here, you little bastard!" "Hey, this doesn't have to stop after we have kids." "You know, we can... whoa..." "go roller-skating as a family." "Sure." "Why just have strange kids laughing at me when I fall?" "We did it;" "One completed lap." "Can we go home now?" "No, we're gonna keep skating till we get better." "We are not gonna be that fuddy-duddy couple that spends their life watching TV." "It is a flat-screen TV, LCD." "Picture quality is astonishing!" "All right, pal, one more lap." "No regrets." "My only regret's not choosing skydiving." "I could be dead by now." "There we go." "Now we're getting the hang of it." "It's like we're walking on air, huh?" "Whoa!" "Damn you!" "I should've brought my service revolver." "Oh, so we can shoot skaters, but we can't shoot rats?" ""Major Tires Destroy Superman."" ""Mayor Fires District Supervisor."" "See, now that makes a lot more sense." "Joyce won't even talk to me now." "And when we were having sex, she didn't look me in the eye." "Probably makes it harder for her to pretend you're someone else." "Oh, yeah, kick me while I'm down, you half-blind bastard." "When are you gonna learn, Moranto?" "You can't forbid a woman to do something." "They live to defy us." "You know what those college campuses are like." "Reefer-filled coffeehouses, beatniks and free love." "Well, I'm hoping President Eisenhower cleans up the whole mess." "And college professors are the worst!" "They'll bang anything with a backpack!" "What are you getting so worked up for?" "Joyce loves you." "Sure, now." "I'm her hot, sexy boy toy." "Okay." "But what happens when some artsy-fartsy Svengali fills her head with poetry and hope?" "It's, "Good-bye, dago."" "Look, there are plenty of other guys out there that are smarter and better-looking than both of us." "I already got the belt loop around my neck." "Go ahead, kick out the chair." "Look, the point being, for whatever reason, these smart, beautiful women chose us." "And that begs the question..." "are they really that smart?" "Ah..." "I like the way you think." "They can't be perfect 'cause they chose a couple of melonheads like us." "Exactly." "So you need to be loving and supportive and not give her a reason to start thinking about how much better she could do." "I see." "It's like shaking keys at a baby or putting a dog's worm pill in a piece of cheese." "Right." "Love is the cheese, you're the worm pill." "Boy, for a couple of melonheads, we sure are smart." "Loving and supportive, loving and supportive, loving and supportive, loving and supportive, loving and supportive." "What's all this?" "I'm preparing a delicious, nutritious breakfast for my beautiful curvy coed." "Right." "Please sit and allow me to bring you a piping hot cup of joe." "Very considerate of you." "Well, you know me, loving and supportive." "Yep, that's the you I know." "Besides, you crazy college kids can't live on Red Bull and Toaster Strudels." "Sure can't." "Can I get a little cream for my coffee?" "Absolutely." "Oh, and maybe some fresh-squeezed OJ?" "You dig in and I'll try to rustle up an orange or two." "Not too pulpy." "I don't like it too pulpy." "You're lucky if I find an orange, Joyce." "How about some Clamato?" "Oh, forget the juice." "I wouldn't mind some pepper for these eggs." "What, is your arm broke?" "It's right in front of you." "You know what?" "I'll just grab a bite to eat on campus." "Damn it!" "You're still gonna go?" "!" "Even after I hopped around" " like a Mexican jumping bean?" "!" " Oh, and don't wait up for me." "I might grab a pitcher of beer and play Foosball with the boys." "Joyce, don't do this!" "Come on!" "I made you breakfast." "So much for being loving and supportive." "So you're gonna tell me you didn't enjoy getting out of school early?" "No, I'm telling you, that when you pull the fire alarm, you can't brag to the other kids about it." "Why?" "Because then they squeal to me, I have to punish you, and then we both end up staying after school." "Oh... so ikinda evens out?" "Yeah, exactly." "Maybe if you weren't flunking math you would've seen that, huh?" "I hate math." "Yeah, everybody hates math." "Knock, knock." "Mom, what are you doing here?" "I was just in the neighborhood, realized I hadn't seen your new classroom." "Well, it's the same as the old classroom." "One big desk, 35 little desks and one of those." "Your daughter's mean." "Not as mean as I am." "I'd have you tarring highways chained to ten other arm-farting brats." "And detention is over." "Go... before the lawsuit begins." "Mom, what are you doing here?" "Aren't you supposed to be in class?" "Eh, I had to get out of there." "The professor had a ponytail and open-toed shoes." "The only thing missing was a sign on his forehead" "that said "douche."" "Mom, it's art school." "They're all gonna be kinda douche-y." "I don't really want to go to school." "I was just doing it to piss Vince off." "Well, see?" "It's win-win." "Molly, I'm done with all that." "I'm very happy with the life I have." "I've got two beautiful daughters, a man who adores me." "What else is there?" "Mom, you, you have real talent." "I mean, you-you could make something amazing." "Well, you and your sister are my two masterpieces." "I'm not gonna do better than that." "Oh, but you gave up so much for us." "I didn't give up anything." "You girls were the best thing that ever happened to me." "Really?" "You'll know what I'm talking about when you have a beautiful baby of your own." "I love you, Mom." "Of course you do." "I'm awesome." "God, that kid's an idiot." "He's the worst criminal I've ever seen." "Hey, hey, Gladys, let Anthony have some." "Anthony, stand up for yourself." "I can't always be here to protect you." "There you go, play nice." "You don't know this, because you got brains the size of a wasabi pea, but you got it made." "No worries, no heartache." "Just floating on the pond until some dumb sap shows up with a sack of stale bread." "Gladys, I told you, play nice or I'm crushing your skull with my boot heel." "I'm kidding." "I'm exaggerating to make a point." "But I will pelt you with my car keys." "There you go." "Hey, fella, is there room on that bench for your wife?" "Always room for you." "You been out here all day?" "Five loaves worth." "Ten minutes ago, it looked like" "Anthony crapped another duck." "Well, you know Anthony, he doesn't chew his food." "He's like his daddy that way." "How was school?" "It was all right." "I don't think I'm going back." "Did the other kids make fun of you?" "'Cause I'll show up at that classroom swinging a tire iron." "Take it easy." "It was nothing like that." "It's just not who I am anymore." "Well, don't quit on my account, 'cause the last thing I want is to hold you back from something you really want to do." "What I really want to do is be sitting here with you." "And Anthony." "And Gladys." "And Walter." "Where... where's Walter?" "He ate nine pieces of sourdough and passed out in one of the rowboats." "Walter doesn't have a lot of self-control." "He's a good bird, though." "They're all good birds." "Next time we go skating, we need to come up with some sort of signal so when I fall you can get to me a little sooner." "I think you screaming, "For the love of God, help me!"" "was a pretty clear signal." "Oh!" "Hey, kids, turns out, I'm her muse." "Then again, it's not how many times you fall down," " it's how many times you get back up." " Yep, couldn't agree more."