"Onomatopoeia." "O-N-O-M-A-T-P-E-I-A." "Onomatopoeia." " That is incorrect." " I knew she'd blow it." "There's a secret "O" in there!" "The word is "troglodyte."" "Hey, what are you doing back?" "I thought you had a big date." "It was a complete disaster." "I couldn't even make it through the appetizers." "What was wrong with this one?" "Well, you know, when you go on these things, usually you start off with a cute anecdote about yourself." "I use the one about nursing a baby bird back to health." "That was me!" "I did that!" "Well, I took it." "It's a big hit, actually, should you want to start dating." "Anyway, this guy's anecdote was about his fatty lipoma." " I don't know what that is." " Oh, I didn't either." "It's a tumor." "He named it Farley." "I think it had teeth." "Well, I'm gonna turn your night around right now." "Round one of the spelling bee is on." "Although if you're a big fan of Devon Zima, he just crapped out on a diphthong." "As amazing as that sounds, I would rather have dinner with Farley." "Round one is when they tell the back stories about all the kids." "Don't you want to hear about the obstacles they've overcome?" "What obstacles?" "They're twelve." "Besides, I have another date tomorrow night." "I don't want to get too invested." "A third date this week." "Aren't you exhausted?" "I'm a woman on a mission." "But this year is different!" "They have a Twitter ticker and a hashtag!" " Do you know what that means?" " Yes." "Could you explain it to me?" "Did I miss anything?" " The word is "ennui."" " I was just about to say the same thing." "Come on." "You love sports." "I love that you consider this "sports."" " It's on ESPN!" " Six." " E-N..." "N... - Aren't you nervous?" "I'm on the edge of my seat!" "What happens if they miss a word?" "Lions?" "Electric shock?" " That is correct." " They have to sit down." "Sometimes they faint." "It's an annual tradition." "Frankie and I never missed it." "Well, I guess I can handle one round." "Well... times three." " It's three days." " In a row?" "Dear God." "It's okay." "You don't have to watch it with me." "Well, I am sorry, love." "But you know," "I'm smack in the middle of Antietam, and I'm so anxious to know how it ends." " I'll be in my office." " The word is "subpoena."" " Can you use it in a sentence?" " "Subpoena"... to be avoided at all costs." "He's going to blow it." "There's a surprise "B" in there." "S..." "A..." "P..." "I got it." "All right..." " Brianna?" "I got your text." " Bud, help!" " Oh, what did you do to that brisket?" " I did everything you told me to do." "I took it out of the oven and then I sliced it, and now... this." "I told you, you have to let it rest." "Well, but, why does it get to rest and I don't?" "Well, okay." "Now you're having a stew." "No." "Bud, stew isn't date food." "It is now." "What time will Racist Dave be here?" "Okay." "First of all, Border Patrol Dave." "And he's coming in an hour." "You know what?" "I'm impressed you're actually cooking for this guy." "Not brisket, anybody could make that, but you don't even cook for yourself." "Well, it's the second date." "You know what that means..." "It's the second time you're sleeping with him?" "Wow." "He just canceled." "Racist prick." " You okay?" " Yes." " You wanna talk?" " No." "I am so tired of this." "It's just too hard." "It is hard." "Doesn't help that you're terrible at it." "No, Bud, I am." "No, come on, I'm joking." "I just don't even know what I want anymore." "You want what everyone wants." "You want to come home at the end of the day to someone who's happy to see you." "You're right." "I'm getting a dog." " Mmmm..." " Yeah." "Oh, you know, I cannot figure out how to boot this thing on." "You got a computer." "You don't even like the smoke detector." " I just don't think it should talk!" " What possessed you to get that?" "I want to be "a part of the conversation."" "What does that even mean?" "It's like the announcer guy said last night." "You don't just watch, you Twitter, you hashtag, you Instant Gram." "Why watch alone when I can share the entire experience with millions of strangers?" " Can you help me?" " Sure." "It's easy." "You just... plug it in." "And then..." "Oh, boy!" "Can you do it again so I can watch you?" "Carefully, step by step." " Turn it on again?" " Yes!" "Do it so I can learn to do it." "You know, "you teach a man to fish."" "What does it want now?" "It's asking you to put in your name and a password." " What should I put?" " Your name." "And a password." "Okay." "Now, what about "NWABUDIKE?"" "No, no." "No, you don't want to use personal information." "Use something random." "No." "Something you can remember." "You know, some inside joke." "Okay." " "7BONGS"." " And put it there." " Okay." " Now what do I do?" " Click "okay."" " Where do I click?" "On the touchpad." "The touchpad!" "Here!" "Gosh almighty." "I just don't know why they make it so hard!" "They don't." "Here is what you're going to do." "Oh, here, look." "Call this number." " What is it?" " Professional help." "Yeah, that's what I need." " Hello." " Hello?" "!" " Your estimated wait time is..." " Oh, for the love of fuck." " Less than one minute." " Oh, great, great." "Sorry for swearing." "Tech Support." "How can we help you today?" "Hello." "I have a computer about which I know nothing." " I just want to get it online." " Ok, sure." " Do you have a wireless connection?" " No." "I-I'm not sure." "Maybe." "I-I don't... maybe." " What about your IP address?" " No." "You're not listening." "When I said "I know nothing," I meant "I know nothing."" " I'm 70 years old." " Ohhh." "Okay." "We have someone for you, ma'am." "Hold on, please." "No, no, wait, no..." " Hello there." " Hello." "Hi." "Good afternoon." "So who do I have the pleasure of speaking with right now?" " This is Frankie." " Hi, Frankie." "I'm Mike." " Hi, Mike." " Hi." "I hear that you have a brand new computer." "That's awesome." "Congratulations!" "Thank you, Mike." "I'm not thrilled about it just yet." "I do not blame you." "Unfamiliar technology can be really frustrating." "Oh, you're telling me, I mean." "It can." "All right, all right, listen." "I am here for you." "Now first things first." "Just sit back, relax." "Ah, mmm." "Are you comfy?" "You in a good place to sit?" " I think I am, Mike." " Great!" "But from the sound of it, you've got a great support system." "You've got Coyote, and Bud, you've got your work, Al-Anon..." "And now you." "Thanks." "So what do you say?" "You ready to send your first Tweet?" "Yes, I am, Mike." "And you're sure you want to make it that profane?" "Abso-fucking-lutely." "Okay." "Bring the cursor up to the blue button and three, two, one, click it." "Did you get it?" "Did you get it?" "!" "Yeah!" "The whole world did." " You're part of social media now, baby." " Oh, Mike, you're the best." "No, no, no, no, you are, @suckitaynrand." "That's me!" "Oh, God, my ex-husband is here." "Sol's there?" "Okay, you better go." " Knock, knock." " I'll check up on you later." "Okay, bye, Mike." "What are you doing here, Sol?" "I've been meaning to bring you some stuff from the house." " Figured you might need it." " The bread machine?" "Who doesn't like fresh bread?" "Cider House Rules laser disc." "What the hell are you doing here, Sol?" "Honestly, I was really missing you last night." "It was weird watching the show without you." "Did you see Josiah?" "Did I see him go to town scratching his testicles?" "Unfortunate nervous tic." "Why don't you come over tonight and watch it with me?" "Okay." " No, wait!" " Why not?" "Feels wrong." "Alarm bells." "Come on, just because we don't live together, does that have to mean the end of all our rituals?" "The spelling bee, volunteering for the PBS telethon, the jicama harvest..." "The jicama harvest." "I forgot about that." "Do we really have to give that stuff up?" " Yes, I think we do." " Why?" "Because you're marrying someone else." "Come on." "It's not like I'm asking you to go to Paris with me." "We'll sit on the couch and watch our favorite TV event of the year." "Okay, you and me and Robert on the couch." "That sounds cozy." "No, Robert's going out with his friends specifically so he won't have to watch it." "I'm sure he'll be happy I'm foisting it on somebody else." "I'm gonna have to be strong and say no for both of us." "Okay." "Understood." "Let me know if you change your mind." "My schedule is completely... "pultaceous."" "Pultaceous..." "P-U-L-T-A-C..." "E?" "O-U-S?" " You just beat Eileen!" " Yay!" "Pultaceous!" "Sit on it, home-schooling!" "Ha-ha!" "Hi." "Brianna?" "I'm Dutch." "From SD Dog Rescue." "I'm the "foster dad."" " Yes!" "Sorry!" "Come in." " Thank you." "Hey, buddy." "Oh, it's not going to be easy saying goodbye to this guy." "I'd love to keep him, truly, but I already have five." "Yeah, well, six dogs would be pretty fucking crazy." "Yeah." "Wow." "Yeah, you just..." "you come right out and say it." "I sure do." " So, you ready to meet him?" " Yes." "Whip it out." "Him out." "The dog." " Whip him out." "The dog." " Whip the dog out." "All right." "All right, Leo." "Umm..." " Is this the dog from the website?" " Yeah." "He's ugly... er than the profile pic I saw." "Oh, this is your dog." "Um, this is the food." "It's the food that he's been on, so if you want to change it, you should do it slowly." "Here's his leash, and a little chew toy..." "No, that's all great." "It's just, he seems..." "He just seems a little aloof." "Well, um, we should probably just give him a minute." "Because he's nervous." "He probably just wants to get to know you a little." "Okay." "It's just, he's already moving in." "He brought his own furniture." "Yeah, not all of it." "Actually, he has like a full patio set and a grill back at the shelter." "He left it for the other dogs to play with." "What?" "He did?" " Oh, oh." " No, no." "No, that was just a joke." "Sorry about that." "No, I don't get dog stuff." "That's okay." "You probably shouldn't let your dog touch a grill." " But, like..." " Okay, okay." "Anyway, I should probably take off because I've gotta, I gotta run." " Oh, really?" " Anyway, Brianna." " It was very nice to meet you." " You, too." "Call me if you have any problems." " Okay." " I'm sure you won't have any." "All right." "Bye, Leo!" "All right, bye." "So... okay." "Come here, boy." "Come here, boy." "Okay, I'll come to you." "Hello." "How are you?" "I am Brianna." "You know, he really felt that I had these anger issues and that I was just really not communicating very well, which I didn't agree with, but... that's how that ended." "And nothing from you still." "Your foster dad is a very sexy man." "That was a surprise." "The word is "hoosegow."" "Definition?" " A colloquialism for..." " Are you really going out again?" "Are you really staying in again?" "Yeah, but it's not like I'm alone." "I am engaging with all the people in Internet-land." "Plus, someone has already liked one of my tweets." " Sol?" " That's not the point." "The point is, if you have one of these, you don't need to go out ever." "Well, I'm going to actually "engage" with a real human being." "I have high hopes for this one." "He's a yacht owner, slash architect, and his screen-name is Yachtchitect." "How perfect for you." "You really love cleverly joined words and fancy people." "But if it all goes sideways, just tweet me..." "And I will have the margaritas ready." "I don't tweet." "But just in case, real lime, no sour mix." " Light on the salt, rocks." " That is correct." "The word is "Negus."" "Oh, my God..." "Grace?" "Guy!" " I didn't know you were in town." " My gosh." "Look at you." " How pretty you are." " Oh, thank you." "Oh, how come you're not on the top of a mountain somewhere?" "Why would I want to be on a mountain somewhere when I can look at your beautiful face instead of some Sherpa?" "I mean, except for Nagonkuk." "Now, that guy is breathtaking." " How long are you here?" " Well, that's a good question." "Tell you the truth, I'm getting a little older, a little tired." "I'm thinking about hanging up my hat." "Maybe I'll... stay here." "I don't know." "You?" "!" "You've never stayed in one place longer than five minutes." "Parachuting into volcanoes, living with gorilla families." "Well, to tell you the truth, about six months ago," "I was in the outer regions of Mongolia, and..." "I was straddling this improvised hygiene pit... and I suddenly thought, you know," "I've never seen Breaking Bad." "And I haven't had ice cream in at least nine years." "I haven't either." "Have you... have you talked to Robert since you've been back?" "No." "I heard rumors, though." "I guess he's on an adventure of his own, isn't he." "Well, that's an interesting way to put it." "Hey." "How are you?" "Every day a little better." "In fact, I'm waiting for a date." " It's an Internet thing." " What's the Internet?" "I'm kidding." "Hasn't been that long." "So, what's he like?" "All I really know is he's a yacht-owning architect." " Well, I hope it goes well." " Thank you." " Oh, my gosh, is that him?" " I think so." "Jesus." "Okay, you've got about seven seconds before he sees you." " So what would you like to do?" " Can you make me invisible?" "No, I can't, but I can get you out of here the back way before he sees you, at least." "All right?" "On one condition, you agree to have ice cream with me." " You've got three seconds." " It's a deal." "Okay." "I know this is probably a lot to get used to, and obviously, you're new at this, I'm new at this." "Um, and, I guess the great news is, it's only for the rest of our lives." "Right?" "Actually for the rest of your life, because I'm gonna probably live a lot longer... than you." "The Explorer Inside Me?" " Ooh, fun read!" " Yeah, it is!" "Do you know that I've known Guy 40 years and I've never read one of his books before?" " You know him?" "!" " Yeah." " He's a big deal!" " Really?" "He's an old friend of Robert's from college." "Oh, my God!" "What is he like?" "Well, he's just a great guy." "He's fun, he's handsome." " He ate his best friend." " What?" "!" "You remember the plane crash in Siberia with his friend Harris, who told him to eat him so that they both wouldn't die." "He wrote a book about that." "He really should have called that one The Explorer Inside Me." "Yeah, you're thinking of somebody else." " That's not Guy." " Mm, mm." "It's that movie about the soccer team." " And his book Eating Harris." " You're making this up." " No." " In this book," " he's sailing down the Amazon." " Oh, that's not the good one." "I mean, it's good, but it's more a spiritual journey." " You know the jaguar that's stalking him?" " Yeah." "Turns out to be just a metaphor." "Well, thanks." "So you're going to go out with this guy?" "Yes." "I am." "He's a worldly, fascinating man, and I haven't met too many of those lately." "Well, okay." "But if this date turns out like the last ones, just bail." "The spelling bee and margaritas are still on the table." "Thanks, I don't think that's gonna happen, though." "This... this feels different." "That's probably what he said to Harris while he ate his foot." "?" "And then hang out with your owner, Brianna ?" "Oh, my God." "What is wrong with you?" "You're a rescue dog." "You're supposed to be desperate." "Why won't you love me?" "The word is... "Fartlek."" " Please repeat." " Fartlek." "Fartlek, fartlek..." "Oh God, Josiah, come on." "You've got to do it." " Fartlek." " Please do it." " Country of origin?" " He's just got to." " I know he's gonna do it." " Sweden." " Oh there!" "He did it!" "He did it!" " Fartlek, fartlek..." " Definition?" " Hello?" " Hey Frankie, it's Mike." " Hi, Mike." "Is this a good time?" "It's always a good time to talk to you." "So how is everything going?" "Well, you just missed Marinda just before." "She flat-tired on some junior varsity bullshit." "Her parents are going to kill her!" " And now..." "I'm sorry?" " What?" " What?" " Well, you know, the spelling bee!" "I told you I watch it every year." "Oh yeah, right, right, right." "Yeah." "Sounds like you're enjoying that." "Oh, God, well, I tried to "join the conversation," Mike, like you and I talked about, but nobody is talking back to me." "You know, Frankie, the Internet's not like a real conversation." "It's just a bunch of people screaming into the void." " For a real conversation, you need..." " I know, I know, Mike." "You... you need real people." " Right?" " Right." "Right." " Oh, my gosh, he's stalling!" " Playing for time." " What is the country of origin?" " "Country of origin?" You criminal!" "Where does he think "vinaigrette" comes from?" "Japan?" "!" " Can you use it in a sentence?" " Oh, come on!" "You're a bum!" " Robert!" "Hi." " Frankie." "You were out." "I'm home now." " Welcome home!" " I bought some key lime pie." "Oh, that's nice." "Sol loves the lime." "Don't let me interrupt." " You're not." "Stay." " I'm going to head for home." "But it's not over yet." "Sol, it's over." " See you, Robert." " Good night, Frankie." "That is incorrect." "So, tell me everything." "How was dinner?" "It was good." "It was good." "Everyone was there that I told you would be there." "If you have something to say to me, please come out and say it." " What would I have to say to you?" " I don't know." "Are you having some sort of problem with Frankie and me watching TV?" "No." "Are you having a problem with me having a relationship with her?" "No." "Will you answer with more than one word?" "Okay." "What I'm having a problem with," "Sol, is your not telling me she was coming over." "I didn't even know she was coming over." " I can explain exactly what..." " I don't want to hear it." "Both our wives heard 20 years of very good explanations." "I recognize this behavior, Sol, and it scares the shit out of me." "I didn't mean to scare you." "This is nothing like that." "But I get it." " You do?" " I do." "But do you get it that Frankie's always gonna be a big part of my life?" "I do." "I hope this is not what our wedding vows sound like." "Why did you come home early?" "Did Al start getting morose about Whitney Houston again?" "No." "I just felt bad about leaving you alone" " to watch the spelling bee." " Aww." "And I'm afraid Al will never get over Ms. Houston." " Sardoodledom." " Sardoodledom." "S-A-R..." "D..." " You wanna watch the rest of it?" " I thought you'd never ask." "The hell with the tea." "I'll get some wine." " Yes!" " Sardoodledom." " Hey, Brianna." " Oh, thank God, thank God." " Is Leo okay?" " I'm actually calling him "Spit" now." " Is Spit okay?" " He's hiding." " Is that the emergency?" " No." "He's hiding from me." " He hates me." "I can't keep him." " Why not?" "Because he's an asshole!" "And he makes me feel like shit." "I thought that dogs were supposed to love you unconditionally." "Isn't that the whole point?" "You have to take him back." "The dog is broken." "One of you certainly is." " I prefer to think that it's the dog." " Well, I'm enjoying thinking it's you." "Why do I care what a guy who has six dogs thinks of me?" "Five." "And there are some women who think that makes me compassionate." "Well, I think it makes you really weird." "What are you doing with all those dogs?" "Why did you really want me to come over?" "Why do you think that I wanted you to come over here?" "I just thought that you wanted me to... come over." "Oh..." "Well, then, yes, I did." "Do you want some brisket?" "Welcome back." "As we reach the final night of the tournament, the feeling in the room can only be described as sesquipedalian." "Who gives a shit?" "I came to in the middle of the Irrawaddy River on a bamboo raft, and I had to improvise these oars, 'cause I could only row with one hand." "The venom had rendered my right arm completely useless..." "Did you really eat somebody?" "Yes, I did." "Would you like to know some more about it?" "Actually, no." "I didn't even want to know that." "Okay, fine, well, let's talk about you." "Now why haven't you had or enjoyed ice cream in so many years?" "I've been denying myself." "Apparently, I'm quite good at that." "So..." "Mmm." " I forgot how amazing it is." " Yes." "Hey, have you ever had Kulfi?" "There is a street vendor in Mumbai who is..." " What's so funny?" " Mumbai." "I mean, you've been everywhere, Guy." "You've done everything." "And you're telling me you really want to settle down in San Diego?" "I told you." "I'm tired, Grace." "I feel like I've heard that before." "Maybe when I set you up with Dede." "Oh, my gosh." "That was a long time ago." "Yeah, you said the same things then." "Well, there's a big difference between then and now." "I'm thirty years older." "And then there's... there's you." " I don't..." "I don't know, Guy..." " Don't you want to find out?" "Hmm?" "Grace, I think there was always a spark between you and I?" "Maybe... but..." "Given my recent history, I'm a little risk-averse." "I love taking risks." " Let's start with the ice cream." " All right." "Here's the ground rules." "You can't give a guy ten minutes and a scoop of ice cream and then tell him to hit the road." "That's all I'm saying." "Deal?" "Mmm-mm!" "God, your hair is super soft." "Thank you, I use a two-in-one." " Wait." " Yeah?" "Um..." "Do you want to eat something?" "I don't mean like a four course meal." "I mean, like a frozen vegan pizza or something." "I don't know why I buy those things," "I always end up just piling a mountain of cheese on top of 'em anyway." "Yeah, you know, actually, I really gotta get home to the dogs." "Yes, of course." "I'm sorry." "Did I get this wrong?" "No." "No, it's all good." "Hey, don't give up on Spit, all right?" "You guys are gonna be really good for each other." " Hey, let me walk you out." " No, no, no, it's all right." "Thanks." "You like me." "You love me." "You smell." "Well, this has been really fun." " Thank you for the ice cream." " Well, it was my pleasure." "Any time." "The word is "Ecdysiast."" " What is the definition?" " An exotic dancer." "Grace, I was hoping that we could see each other again..." "E-C..." "Oh, my." "Oh." "I wasn't expecting that." "Neither was I." "Good night, then." "Good night, Guy." "Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting that either." "A-D-O-P-T-E-R-I-S-T." "Lepidopterist." " No!" "Hector!" "No!" " That is incorrect." "What kind of a kid doesn't know how to spell "Lepidopterist?"" " You hate this, don't you?" " More than life itself!" " B-I-B-L-O-U..." " Yes." " Yes, yes!" " S. Bibulous." "Yay." " That is correct." " Yay!" "The word is... "psoriasis."" "Can you repeat the word, please?" "Psoriasis." "Psoriasis."