"(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "A colleague of mine e-mailed that to me this morning. labeled as "Litchfield Poonanny."" "I would like to solve this problem before the warden finds out about it, Joe." "Neither of us wants to see what happens if he, or, God forbid, the press, get a hold of this." "Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, but how do we know for sure it came out of here?" "Notice the tile?" "Either one of your inmates has a cell phone..." "There's no way." "My guys tore the bunks apart looking for the screwdriver." "Then it's a CO." "And he's taking beaver shots of inmates." "So much better." "The warden'll love that almost as much as he loves a dick in the ass." "Well, what the warden does with his free time..." "I will get to the bottom of this, ma'am." "I hope so." "It is so depressing dealing with a man who makes less than 40 K." "I was really hoping to get you above that this year." "(SIGHS)" "Christ." "Freckle guy in Admin is really into Photoshop." "Useful." "Are you back on carbs?" "My gut's all fucked up from my cheat day, so I'm sticking to soft foods." "Got some Go-Gurt in the fridge for lunch." "Watermelon Meltdown flavor, so..." "Fig's on the warpath." "Might want to hide out in your office today." "YOGA JONES:" "Between the Baptists and the addicts," "I can't find a peaceful place to meditate on love and acceptance, which my Buddhist faith requires." "(PANTING) Mr. Healy, we're having a real hard time praising the Lord in front of all these heathens and sinners." "We need our chapel." "It's our God-given right." "Hey, Mr. Healy, would you take a look at this?" "I think it might be the flu." "Mr. Healy, them cracker meth-head bitches won't let us change the channel." "And it's our turn!" "I can't watch no more Toddlers and Tiaras." "Don't you triviatize." "This shit is serious." "I won't support the sexuation of baby girls." "That's some nasty shit, even if some of they sequin dresses do be on point." "You into some dirty shit, Mr. Healy?" "Fine!" "You have control of the TV schedule from now on." "I'll get you a remote." "(GIGGLING)" "Now, don't bother me for 24 hours." "No, no, no." "Make it 48 hours." "Yes, sir!" "WOMAN: ...could do it." "She's been taking tap since she was 3." "Planet Earth 24/7, bitches!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Uh!" "(GROWLING ON TV)" "MAN:" "In this climate..." "Huh, is that how you wear your hair these days?" "Oh, really, Mom?" "Every time?" "Don't be mopey." "Polly had the most darling French braid yesterday." "You saw Polly?" "Yes." "I dropped by with a baby present." "She told me about your little chicken incident." "Is that what she called it?" "It's none of my business, but I think you owe her an apology." "I have been trying to apologize!" "Keep it down, Chapman!" "(WHISPERS) Oh, my." "I have been calling her." "A lot." "But she won't answer the phone." "I need you to be very honest with me." "Are you losing it in here?" "Because we're very worried about you." "There are medications." "I am not going crazy." "I am surrounded by crazy, and I am trying to climb Everest in flip-flops, but I am not going crazy, okay?" "Honey, nobody would blame you." "Look at this place." "You're incarcerated." "God only knows the emotional toll it must take to be in here with that woman." "She is the least of my problems." "She's your entire problem, Piper." "You'd be home trying on wedding dresses, growing your business, giving me grandchildren, if it weren't for her." "She stole all that from you." "Mom." "Yes." "I need you to hear what I'm gonna say." "I need you to really hear it." "I am in here because I am no different from anybody else in here." "(SCOFFS)" "I made bad choices." "I committed a crime." "And being in here is no one's fault but my own." "Honey, if that lawyer had done..." "Howard." "Larry's father's name is Howard." "You never would have ended up in here if you'd gone to trial." "Sweetheart, you're nothing like any of these women." "Any jury worth its salt would have seen that." "Darling, you were a debutante." "ANNOUNCER:" "Visiting hours will be over at noon." "You may return at 2:00 p.m. for the afternoon and evening hour." "You look like her." "That's what I'm told." "You don't think so?" "I prefer to be in denial about the shared genetics." "You are in denial about a lot of things, blondie." "I'm a WASP." "That's what we do." "I'm working on it." "Are you waiting for somebody?" "Nah." "Wouldn't want to ruin my four-month dry spell." "Yeah, well, after that visit, that's starting to sound appealing." "(SIGHS) Look, don't say ungrateful crap like that around here." "Your mother shows up, buys you pretzels." "Poor you." "We all have our shit, Nicky." "Yeah, some shit stinks worse than other shit, princess." "You don't know how my shit smells." "Sure I do." "(SNIFFS)" "Your shit smells like Shalimar." "Must have rubbed off when she hugged you goodbye." "What a bitch." "(EKG BEEPING)" "Nicole!" "It's time to wake up." "(HOARSELY) Mom?" "Bacterial infection in your heart." "Usually introduced from a dirty needle." "They also found traces of cocaine in your blood, which is a fun new choice for you." "I had pneumonia." "It must've spread or something." "Seriously, I'm clean." "Ironically enough, you are now." "You had several blood transfusions during the surgery." "Must have been a pretty bad case of pneumonia." "(CHUCKLES)" "What, you gotta call Paolo?" "Make sure he's surviving without your tit to suck on?" "You are 26 years old." "Isn't it time you gave up this angry, I-hate-Mom phase?" "Holy shit!" "Oh, you're my mom!" "See, I could have sworn it was that brown woman who made me pancakes and read me Charlotte's Web at night." "I did what was good for you." "Living with a nanny while you lived in a separate apartment with that prick who thought children carried germs?" "That's for my own good?" "I think if you take a second and look at our current situation, you might reconsider." "Do you know what?" "Keep blaming everyone but yourself, Nicole." "Seems to be working out really well for you so far." "I always miss you until you're here." "Then I realize the mom I miss must've been someone I invented when I was a kid." "I don't know what more you want from me." "I want you to do things mothers do." "I don't know, hold me, give me sips of water." "Anything." "They told me you were gonna die." "I'm done, okay?" "I'll stay clean." "(SIGHS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, Ma." "Mmm-hmm?" "What that..." "Fucking slut." "Aleida, it's not worth it." "Aleida!" "Aleida!" "Fucking bitch!" "Yo, respect your mother." "Why?" "She never acted like no mom." "You okay?" "Shit." "(PHONE RINGING)" "ANSWERING MACHINE:" "Baby watch, day 232." "Painting the nursery." "Mimosa yellow, non-toxic, obvs." "Leave a message, but it might take me a while to get back to you, because, you know, I'm preparing to bring forth new life." "(INMATE SOBBING)" "I got nothin'." "And you have no knowledge of anyone taking his or her cell phone out of his or her locker during his or her shift?" "If I were you, I'd ask Mendez." "He looks guilty." "It's probably the mustache." "You ever notice how guys with mustaches always look like they just fingered a little girl?" "How about a camera?" "You see anyone with a camera?" "(SIGHS)" "Nope." "You have not observed or participated in any inappropriate activity" "or relation with an inmate?" "No, sir." "It's..." "Because, in here, inappropriate can mean a smile at the wrong time, Bennett." "These women are hungry, if you get my meaning." "Yes, sir." "They want sex, is what I mean." "Understood, sir." "Good." "We're done here." "We're done." "(KNOCKING) Mr. Caputo?" "Come in." "Susan, have a seat." "Congratulations on becoming a Litchfield correctional officer." "We really appreciate you coming in so soon." "CO Thompson came..." "This is confidential, of course." "Well, he came a little undone and is currently on temporary/permanent leave." "The inmate will have to wear an eye patch for a few weeks." "Well, I'll be sure to keep my hands to myself, sir. (LAUGHS)" "Except during strip searches, I hope." "Right?" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Anyway, I just wanted to personally make sure you're settling in okay and bring you up to speed on our current crisis." "(SIGHS)" "(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Why'd you change the station?" "That reggaeton shit gives me a headache." "It's the same thing over and over." "How come none of these stations play The Smiths?" "'Cause it's pussy music." "How Soon Is Now?" "is, like, an '80s anthem." "Bitch, you were born in '92." "So?" "So you don't know shit." "MAN:" "The shark makes its move, moving directly to the seal." "Oh, fuck this!" "That's it." "Ina Garten is making brown butter cake today." "Don't fuck with my cooking shows." "T!" "It don't matter what you wanna watch." "I'm president of the TV, and you can't do nothing about it, Pussy." "My name is Poussey." "Accent a droite, bitch." "Accent a what?" "It's French." "Poussey is a place in France where my daddy served, and kings was born and shit." "What the fuck you named after?" "Some bullshit cakes with cream in the middle?" "You callin' me a Ho Ho?" "It's Hostess, you dumbass." "Man, you a fuckin' Swiss roll." "Norma, will you go?" "What, are you blind now, too?" "If you put the "S" on the end of "knife,"" "you can make "slut" going down." "Fifteen points ain't bad." "No cheating!" "Oh, I'm just helping her." "The plural of "knife" is "knives," genius." "No such fucking word as "knifes."" "Oh, no?" "Well, then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story?" "I'll tell you what." "He knifes him." "Well, aren't you the plot spoiler?" "So, here's a good idea." "Why don't you mind your own fucking business and go back to planning your cute little hetero wedding?" "(SCOFFS)" "Hey!" "Are you gonna get your dress off of eBay?" "I sure hope nobody scams you." "That'd be fucking ironic." "Don't you dare!" "You are way too fucking short for that!" "Sit down, Boo!" "I am serious!" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Hey." "Hey!" "You ladies need to start acting like ladies." "Now, what's the problem in here?" "(ALL TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY)" "Ladies!" "(SHOUTS) Ladies!" "I'm gonna bring back the Women's Advisory Council." "The first election will be held this Saturday." "In the meantime, don't bother me and simmer down," "okay?" "WOMAN:" "All kitchen inmate duties..." "Thank you." "Oh, it's on." "Who's gonna be duchess of WAC?" "Taystee!" "♪ Taystee ♪" "(LAUGHS)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "So, I'm thinking campaign buttons instead of posters, 'cause everyone will be doing posters." "We can stick 'em on with tape." "What do you think about yellow and pink?" "They're my wedding colors." "It's just a real pretty combination." "But I don't wanna tell Christopher, 'cause I don't want him to get jealous." "'Course not." "You wouldn't want him to think you liked pink in prison, right, Morello?" "(SCOFFS)" "Still can't believe you're running for this lame shit." "Red told me to." "I'm her pick." "You want me to say no to her?" "She picked you?" "Yeah." "You got a problem with that?" "I just think it would have been smarter for her to pick a dyke." "A real dyke." "Yeah, Nicky." "Last time I checked, Lorna was pretty gay." "(CHUCKLING) Gay for you, as a matter of fact." "Oh, you didn't hear?" "We're done." "Well, she's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 'cause her fiance's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway, so..." "Wow." "All right, ladies!" "Taystee!" "Taystee!" "What's happening?" "So, who are you running against besides Taystee?" "She don't count." "Black ladies just run against the other black ladies." "My competition is Pennsatucky." "But it don't matter, because Red's gonna make all the white girls vote for me." "So, you only run against white people." "Hmm." "You can only vote within your race or your group." "Look, just pretend it's the 1950s." "It makes it easier to understand." "See, everyone elects a representative from their own tribe." "White, black, Hispanic, golden girls, others." "And those five gals, they meet with Healy, they tell him what we want, then he speaks to the higher-ups." "It's like student council." "But how is that an effective system?" "Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing." "Oh, sure they do." "They all want to come to America." "Jesus, your entire world view is based on West Side Story, isn't it?" "Can we get back to Lorna being racist?" "Just more of that, please." "But..." "Okay, fine." "See, I know because my neighborhood is near them." "They live, like, 20 people to one apartment." "They have more kids than even the Irish." "The men like their women with big titties, big asses." "They're dirty, they're greasy, their food smells nasty and they're taking all our jobs." "If y'all want a man representing you, be my fucking guest." "That bitch got a plastic pussy or some shit." "You wanna see it?" "Please!" "You flash that shit like it's made out of diamonds." "I done seen it about 10 times already today." "(POUSSEY LAUGHING)" "Listen, honey, I know all you care about is what you get to watch on the TV, but me and my diamond kitty here wanna prioritize things around this place, like health care, basic human rights..." "You ain't never gonna change that shit." "(CHUCKLING) You think this white people politics?" "(MIMICKING) Let's talk about health care, Mackenzie." "Oh, Amanda, I'd rather not." "It's not polite." "Well, did you see that wonderful new documentary about the best sushi in the world?" "Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have before." "You know, I just don't have the time." "Chad and I have our yoga workshop, then wine tasting class." "And then we have to have really quiet sex every night at 9:00." "But did you hear that piece on NPR about hedge funds?" "Amanda, let me ask you, what do you think about my bangs these days?" "I mean, do you like 'em straight down, or should I be doing more of a sweep to the side?" "Sweep to the side." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Yo, you gotta..." "If you want more pizza, vote for Maritza." "(LAUGHING) That shit is horrible." "I like pizza." "Everyone likes pizza." "What?" "It's American and shit." "It's Italian, you fucking idiot." "What, you got something better?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna run." "Oh, shit." "It's on." "Wow, fancy!" "What, "Vote for Flaca, puta's full of caca"?" "All right!" "Okay!" "(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)" "Shit." "It don't matter who wins, all right?" "Just as long as you handle our shit." "Please." "I can out-shout any of these bitches." "Are you sure?" "Oh!" "All of you who think we don't have any sisters, we're black people..." "Did you know they can't float?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "It's true!" "Like in the swimming pool and shit." "Their bone density ain't right for it." "(LAUGHING)" "Yo, my uncle told me." "Yo, that shit is crazy, Flaca-ca." "They're smelly, stupid and lazy, but they ain't got different bones." "Except in their pants." "Yo, let me tell you, them black boys, they got some serious trouser meat." "Like, whoa!" "(ALL LAUGHING AND CHANTING)" "That's enough!" "Quiet down!" "Hey!" "Quiet down!" "You are in violation of the Litchfield..." "Shut up!" "Well, don't be an observer." "Grab a rag." "What's up, Nicky?" "This rag smells like mildew." "It means your counter is gonna smell like mildew." "That's gross." "You need to wash your rags, Red." "Nicky..." "Why'd you choose Lorna to run for WAC and not me?" "You're questioning my decisions?" "Only in the most respectful way you could possibly imagine." "I just..." "I thought I was like your Spock." "(CHUCKLES) My what?" "You know, your right hand." "Your girl Friday." "Your V.P." "Lorna is pretty and unthreatening." "I like her lipstick and she listens." "The last thing you need is a public forum." "You're already too mouthy for your own good." "Yeah, but..." "Don't confuse being my daughter with getting a vote." "This isn't a democracy, sweetheart." "(CLATTERING)" "You need something?" "(GASPS)" "Oh, gosh!" "This prize sure beats the heck out of a decoder ring." "What can I say?" "The girls are very concerned about their oral hygiene." "(TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING)" "You bringing in cell phones, too?" "Absolutely not." "So you're not taking dirty pictures of your hairy pussy to send to your husband?" "Do the curtains match the drapes?" "You got some purple wispies down there?" "What are you talking about?" "(SWITCHES OFF)" "Someone smuggled in a phone." "And now it's getting in the way of my business." "I don't like competition, sweet cheeks." "(TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING)" "(SWITCHES OFF)" "WOMAN:" "Cell block D, prepare for inspection." "WOMAN:" "Visiting hours are now over..." "Caputo grilled me about inappropriate relationships for five hours today." "It wasn't really five hours, but it felt that way." "You know, this is inappropriate." "What you and me are doing." "It's gonna be fine, baby." "I think we have different definitions of fine." "I'm about to lose my job, and your mom was naked." "Like, really, really naked." "All of it." "I saw her boobs." "But you didn't do nothing, right?" "What?" "You didn't fuck her?" "Why would I..." "I don't want your mom, Daya." "I want you." "(MOANING)" "No..." "Let me." "Please, don't." "I wanna feel all of you." "(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)" "Oh, come on in, Chapman." "Please close the door." "What?" "Do you..." "Hold up the red one." "Okay, now the blue." "WOMAN:" "Mail call in 15 minutes." "WOMAN:" "Cart will be making the rounds in 15 minutes." "Mr. Healy..." "It's for my wife." "It's our anniversary tomorrow." "I think the blue is better." "Thanks." "Have a seat, Chapman." "Chapman, we understand each other, don't we?" "I think so." "I mean, I agree." "I think the two of us working together, we could really turn some things around." "Or at the very least, make things a little quieter." "You want me to run for WAC." "We don't get ladies as bright as yourself in here often." "Thank you, Mr. Healy." "I appreciate that." "I really do." "But I'm trying this new thing where I stay out of the spotlight." "I feel..." "I think that it's a better bet for me." "I'm giving you a chance to make your time count, Chapman." "Thank you." "But I need to politely decline." "Well, I'm disappointed." "It's certainly not like I can force you to run anyway, right?" "We're not Cosmo, Larry." "We don't do pieces on having better orgasms." "And, truthfully, "edging" sounds like a recipe for blue balls." "It's just..." "It is gross." "Look, what if I change the angle?" "Maybe..." "What's the deal with your wife?" "Is she really in prison?" "My fiancee." "She is." "It sucks." "Look, um, I really think if I made some changes..." "Christ, Bloom." "No one wants to learn how not to come." "Coming is the whole goddamn point." "Listen, I've got to get to this meeting." "But this is a good story, okay?" "Come on, Tim." "I need this." "Just give me something, huh?" "An assignment." "You want an assignment?" "Fine." "Here's your assignment, "My wife is in prison."" "Fiancee." "She takes naked showers with bad, busty women, and I'm home alone thinking about it, trying not to come." "That's a story for us." "Knock yourself out." "It's too far!" "A little to the right." "Ain't we learned our lesson about hanging crosses, Tucky?" "Ain't we learned our lesson about mouthing off?" "Get..." "Sorry." "You keep this up, and God's gonna start questioning your devotion." "He told me." ""Died for your sins." Who's gonna win?" "Tiffany." "(CHUCKLES)" "Man, those little white midgets are sad, but them bitches know how to win!" "(CHUCKLES) Look at you, all power hungry and shit." "Where are your morals, Candidate Jefferson?" "Well, Mackenzie... (BOTH LAUGHING)" "This fucking election." "Like this place needs to be any more like high school!" "My God, I'm drowning in vowels over here." "This the campaign strategy?" "No, it's more like a life strategy." "Everyone likes to get fed." "Come on." "Come on!" "Come on." "(CHUCKLES) That's gross." "Come on!" "It's delicious!" "Speaking of high school..." "I feel like such an asshole." "Why won't she even look at me?" "'Cause you were an asshole." "Everyone has their limits." "Okay, 32, 33..." "Whoa." "Thirty-four points!" "Bam!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Look, you know her better than I do, but in my experience, she can smell bullshit like a shark smells blood." "Just cut out the needy puppy act and be straight with her." "Say you're sorry for being a dick." "What about, like, a snappy kind of slogan?" "Something with rhymes in it?" "What about, "Vote for Morello because she's not yellow, she's white"?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)" "Mmm!" "Oh, that's good." "It's a party!" "I feel like I'm playing house." "(CHUCKLES) You wanna play doctor instead?" "POLLY:" "This place is insane." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Great to meet you, Holly." "It's Polly, actually." "Right." "Polly Hobbie." "Would you excuse me for a minute?" "I have to go play hostess." "She's better in smaller groups." "Think she'll remember my name then?" "Are you being pissy because I'm seeing a woman?" "I'm pissy because you're seeing an asshole." "I think you're overreacting a little bit, Molly." "There's a weird energy in here." "Not to mention she's loaded and she's, what, like, 30?" "Trust fund?" "No, she imports things." "I can't believe you're giving me shit for this." "You dated your teacher." "Adjunct professor." "I really like her." "Do you like her or her things?" "Oh, I get it." "You're feeling threatened." "Oh, Jesus." "Fuck off." "I'm just looking out for you." "Well, don't." "I'm happy." "Well, then don't expect me to be there when you're not happy anymore." "Okay, I won't expect that." "But you will be." "Because you love me." "Of course I do, you stupid lesbian." "You spoiled bitch." "I came seven times last night. (LAUGHS)" "Well, that's just excessive." "Beautiful." "Thank you." "You're doing well." "I am." "We'd like to increase your output." "I'm always curious about who "we" is." "(CHUCKLES)" "Is that like when "they" say that faux fur vests are in this season?" "You know what I mean?" "No, I don't know what you mean." "How much?" "One hundred thousand a month." "Oh, (CHUCKLES) Jesus." "What can I say?" "We're back in vogue." "Give the people what they want." "Well, I'm gonna need a few more kids and more cash upfront for treats." "Whatever you need, as always." "Kubra will be happy to hear." "We value your role in this organization." "Great." "Glad I'm not expendable." "We'll give you a call in a few days to arrange the next drop." "Can't wait." "Cheers." "That's a hell of a scar." "Pervert." "I like your tits, too." "Baboon heart?" "Bacterial infection." "Hmm." "Endocarditis." "What?" "Drug pusher/ heart surgeon?" "(CHUCKLES) Just the former." "It was pretty common among our top customers." "You miss it?" "Holy shit." "So much." "More than good coffee, more than sleeping in the dark, more than wearing skirts." "You wore skirts?" "Yeah." "I loved a good skirt." "You?" "I don't miss smack." "I was such a lousy junkie. (CHUCKLES)" "Never fully committed." "But the business..." "Man, that I miss." "The adrenaline, the power." "Yeah, I miss cooking it." "Which makes me an idiot, right?" "I'd let it bubble, even though you waste it when you do that." "I just loved the chemistry, you know?" "The routine." "I am a sucker for ritual." "Look at us, Nichols." "Same coin, different sides." "Supply and demand, motherfucker." "(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)" "Hey, Alex." "OPERATOR:" "An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you." "To accept the call, please press one." "POLLY:" "Fine." "You caught me on a hormonal upswing." "Plus I need a distraction 'cause I'm in the stirrups." "Am I a good friend or what?" "You are." "You're the best friend." "You are the best friend." "You're my best friend." "Oh!" "I'm so sorry, Pol." "The chicken..." "How about we don't talk about the chicken, like, ever again?" "It's so weird in here, Polly." "I wish I could explain it to you." "Well, I have an asshole alien growing inside me and I'm waiting for a strange man to put his hand up my vagina, which I'm pretty sure I prefer to my husband's." "We could have a weird-off." "God, I miss you so much." "I miss you, too, Pipe." "So, Barney's." "Nope." "You've forfeited your right to talk about the business for a while." "I'll take care of it from here on out." "You're kidding me?" "So you're not gonna tell me what's going on?" "This is really important to me, Pol." "We really need the money and..." "Babe, I know." "I'll take care of it." "Jesus, you're a felon, I'm fat and miserable." "Who gives a fuck about soap right now?" "It'll all be fine." "Will it?" "I have no fucking clue." "Seemed like the right thing to say." "How are things with you and super-cunt?" "Fine." "Sort of." "I don't know." "I feel like I need to tell her that I'm sorry." "I feel like I need to tell everyone that I'm sorry." "Piper Chapman, The Apology Tour." "You care about her?" "I mean, no." "I just think that it would..." "Since we're stuck in here together, it would be easier if we were friends." "If super-cunt replaces me as your best friend, so help me." "Oh, never." "Hey, if your mom's been telling me to rub cocoa butter on my tutu, what the fuck does she mean?" "(CHUCKLES) Oh, Jesus." "Oh..." "She used to call it that when I was little." "A tutu?" "You heard that one before?" "My gynie loves it." "And I love you." "I love you." "So you're done being mad at me?" "Yes." "Now I've got to get probed." "Have a nice rest of your day in prison." "Have a nice time getting your tutu probed." "(INMATE SOBBING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(SOBBING)" "LORNA:" "Don't be yellow, vote for Morello." "SOPHIA:" "My friends, we may be incarcerated, but that does not mean we're not entitled to fair treatment and access to comprehensive medical care." "Tuesdays, pizza?" "Fuck pizza, we're gonna have Tuesday tacos." "Tacos, burritos, hot salsa and everything!" "This is stupid!" "Hi, ladies..." "I take care of business." "I know what's up, all right?" "...most of y'all know me as Tiffany." "Only a few, Pennsatucky." "We're gonna leave it that way." "I hope each and every one of you will allow me to lead you, in addition to letting me do your weave at a discount!" "(CHUCKLES)" "You all listen to me." "I know what's up, all right?" "Come on, let's hear it up for the Latino!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "TAYSTEE:" "As lady president, I'll demand waterbeds for everybody." "We'll be dreamin' like Beyonce on a yacht every night up in here." "Comprehensive that, bitches!" "Yo." "You got my shit?" "It's comin'." "My cousin paid you for that shit." "Ain't it supposed to come in today?" "Listen, powder." "If you speak to me again, I will fucking crush you." "It's coming." "Chill out." "(MUSIC PLAYING IN VIDEO GAME)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Well, this is a surprise." "Best entertainment you could hope for around here." "FLACA:" "Friday night, we're gonna have salsa night, okay?" "I can't live without my conga, okay?" "As y'all know, I am a follower of Jesus Christ, my Lord and my Savior." "(CROWD AGREEING)" "And he wants us to spread his word." "With force, if necessary." "You know, I'm surprised the Admin is actually letting this happen." "Those boys have awfully short memories." "White girl who won last time got slocked when she asked the commissary to stock unsalted potato chips instead of salt and vinegar." "It's not a job you want." "Furthermuch, why don't we have Ultra Sheen in the commissary?" "Why?" "You ask me, that shit is racist!" "Fucking racist." "Why you gotta hate black folks?" "Why?" "You do have to admire their effort." "Every damn inmate is here." "I'll see you later." "In closing, let's get some motherfucking fried chicken up in here once in a while!" "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, I said it." "She said it." "I'm black." "She's black." "And she black." "I'm black!" "And we like fried chicken." "Well!" "That shit is delicious." "Everybody likes it." "Chicken for the people." "I rest my case." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Well, I say we should have a "whites only" bathroom!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "This ain't The fuckin' Help, bitch, but you will eat my shit." "(SIGHS) (URINATING)" "(CELL PHONE BUZZING)" "Oh!" "♪ They call me Taystee 'cause my pussy be delicious" "♪ Like an apple it's nutritious" "♪ Like a Clinton it's ambitious" "♪ You wanna mess with all that?" "Bitch, please" "♪ You's a gnat, you'll go splat Best be runnin', stat ♪" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Yeah?" "Well." "Yo, yo... ♪ My name is Leanne and I got game" "♪ We're here in Litchfield and it's kind of lame" "♪ This rapping thing don't seem so hard" "♪ Ain't like I'm a fucking retard!" "♪" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "♪ Fucking dumbass cracka Should just smack ya" "♪ Think you own Jesus?" "Turns out he was black" "♪ The word is ironic Me?" "I'm deep like Atlantis" "♪ Rhyming some chronic shit then pray like a mantis" "♪ Matter of fact I'm so done with your white trash ass" "♪ Just 'cause you got little tits don't mean you got class ♪" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "That's my shit!" "Hey." "This is crazy..." "Shh... (MOUTHING) Go away." "Sorry." "(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING)" "Who wants a piece of Big Boo?" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "Are we supposed to lie down, Mr. Healy?" "Hey." "Hi." "Hey." "How are you?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Good." "I made you this." "Wow." "Thanks." "When I was little, I found this comic book in the trash." "I'd never seen girls who looked like that." "They were like Disney princesses, but prettier." "I liked tracing the drawings a lot." "My friends thought that they were lame, but I liked that they were different." "They weren't like the Sunday comics, you know?" "I guess I'm a freak, or whatever." "Not that you're a freak because of your legs." "Leg." "I didn't mean that." "I'm sorry." "Does it hurt?" "Not anymore." "Just a little clumsy sometimes. (CHUCKLES)" "Me, too." "Sometimes." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Thanks for the advice yesterday." "I think she loved it." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "You got enough money?" "Yes, transfer came through yesterday." "And Daya, she need anything?" "She's fine." "Then why isn't she here to say hello?" "You better not be fighting again." "She needs her mother." "Wait a minute, both of you are here to visit me?" "Sure don't seem like it, the way you're talking." "Daya." "Daya!" "Aren't you my woman?" "You acting like a jealous bitch." "Shit's not flattering, is it?" "LARRY:" "It went well." "Yeah." "I mean, it..." "You know." "It was great." "Wow!" "He liked it?" "You seem surprised." "Edging?" "Edging?" "Babe, it's a really..." "It's a very weird thing to write about." "Weird, very weird." "Actually, he, um, wants me to write another article." "Really?" "Yeah, he thought, um..." "He thought I should write about you." "About our experience." "Our experience?" "(SIGHS)" "Huh!" "Has it been difficult for you in here?" "You know, you're not the only person having a hard time, Piper." "I hate your stern voice." "I'm sorry." "I don't mean to take this out on you." "But I..." "Could you just give me a little bit of time to figure out how I feel about you writing an article about me being in here?" "Of course." "You need to process." "I should respect that." "Take some time." "I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be Piper Chapman, the convict fiancee." "But as soon as you write an article, it will all be so, um..." "Public." "I hear ya." "I hear ya." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "So, is everything going okay with Alex?" "Yeah, it's fine." "It's good." "We don't talk." "Good." "That's good." "Diablo!" "Diablo?" "What?" "That lady, that crazy lady." "I found her phone in the bathroom, and there was a picture of her..." "And Healy had it printed out on his desk, and the..." "Never mind." "It's a long story." "Anyway, everybody thinks that she's crazy and that she's talking to herself in there, but she's not!" "She's talking on the phone." "To Diablo!" "She's been sending him pictures of her tutu." "Whoa!" "That's kind of brilliant." "Wait a second." "Mmm-hmm." "If you know where her phone is, can you send me pictures of your tutu?" "Ew!" "All right." "Thirty-one for Maritza, 16 for Sophia Burset, 41 for Taystee, 46 for Lorna Morello," "24 for Tiffany, 19 for "Fuck you."" "An impressive 28 for Jesus." "You still can't tell the fish kissers who's boss, can you, Samantha?" "I've asked you repeatedly not to call me that." "This isn't about giving them power." "This is about your mother telling you, you could take a bath before dinner or after." "You were still gonna get wet, but you thought you had a choice." "I have no fuckin' idea what that means, but I do know you just basically built a prisoners' union." "Samantha." "(SLAMS DOOR)" "(SIGHS)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Attention." "All maple syrup is now considered contraband after last week's incident." "The winners of the WAC elections will be announced shortly." "Thank you." "Enjoy dinner!" "Hope it's scrumptious!" "I'm real nervous." "I thought the whole idea of Red endorsing you is that you're going to win." "It is." "She's just playing coy." "It's a talent of hers." "RED:" "I made Claudette's famous coconut cake in honor of our new WAC representative." "Should coconut be beige?" "Fine." "No cake for you, little girl, big mouth." "Tough love, I guess, huh?" "Jesus." "I don't know how you deal with her." "RED:" "Norma's gonna get you some mouthwash." "A clean mouth makes you feel better." "Here." "(SHUDDERING)" "You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in." "Welcome to the floor, kid." "(SOBBING)" "It'll be better from now on." "And what I'll do to you if you use again will hurt a lot more than this." "Remember what I'm saying." "HEALY:" "Ladies, attention, please." "How's my hair?" "You look great, kid." "Don't worry." "You're gonna be great." "HEALY:" "Your elected WAC leaders are..." "Ruiz..." "Which Ruiz?" "HEALY:" "Maria Ruiz..." "Oh, shit!" "What the fuck?" "What the fuck?" "(LAUGHING) HEALY:" "Jefferson..." "Ooh!" "Taystee is prison president, bitches!" "(CHEERING)" "HEALY:" "Chang, who will be representing both the others and the golden girls, and..." "Chapman." "But you didn't even run!"