"This is a carpenter's square." "It's a high-precision craft tool." "It's used for marking a component very accurately." "And yet, in a recent survey it was revealed that 38 percent of British men admitted to having used one as a hammer." "Now, the ancient Greeks knew what this was for." "Do we honestly accept that a tool used to build the Parthenon should now be used to bang in picture hooks?" "No." "Hello and welcome to Man Lab, a mythical place in the mind where chaps drink tea and sort things out." "'Man Lab is the first step on the long march out of the mire of male mediocrity." "'It's a place where skills are perfected...'" "Not bad!" "..a controller, but..." "'..and incompetence is punished.'" "Take a foul badge." "'Amongst our many achievements so far, we've learnt how to fight a duel..." "'..defeat the Nazis, 'and run a railway network." "'Tonight our specialist serving of skills reveal how to apply technology to survive a first date.'" " HE USES SOFT ENGLISH "CH"" " Chianti!" "It's "kianti", and you don't want that." "'How to wallpaper, celebrity-style.'" "They don't even give you a radio when you do this." "This is inhuman." "'We revive the forgotten craft of movie-making...'" "Oh, look at that!" "Look at this, look at this!" "'..and I take on mankind's oldest foe - the wasp.'" "Yes!" "Now, are you embroiled in a petty dispute about the height of your hedge, or possibly planning regulations, or even some tedious aspect of office politics?" "If you are, keep watching!" "Last week in my campaign to reintroduce the art of duelling," "I engaged in pistols at dawn with my executive producer to resolve a spat over a parking space." "Now more disgruntled men of Britain have come forward demanding satisfaction - or death." "This is Max Andrews and Sean Cannon from Kimberley in Nottinghamshire." "They have let a petty dispute over the result of a playground fight simmer for over a quarter of a century." "I dominated him for 45 minutes, when he feigned an asthma attack, collapsed to the ground, and duly the fight was over." "Sean, after about 45 minutes, had to go home for his tea," "I seem to remember." "He was supposed to come back, and I waited in the rain in that park for a good two hours, and he never bloody came!" "What took place after that was 25 years of lies and rumours and defamation of character against my good name, that Max actually won the fight and I left and never came back." "Time to settle this once and for all in an honourable fashion." "The next is your sabre." "For this duel, Sean and Max have shunned the flintlock pistol" " for the far more aristocratic sabre." " Hah!" "Duelling by sabre has its origins with the Russian Cossacks, who refined the fearsome scimitars of the Ottoman Turks." "And, like the bubonic plague, sabre-duelling quickly spread throughout Europe." "By the 18th century, the sabre had reached England, where it quickly became the gentleman's weapon of choice." "Unlike their duelling forebears, Sean and Max are not actually allowed to kill each other." "But they are carrying fake-blood bags under their regulation flouncy shirts so that the result can never be disputed." "And, as this is a duel, there are strict rules to abide by." "Marking the ground for a sabre duel is really very simple." "We place a cross here in the middle of the field of honour - or the disused warehouse of honour, as this one is." "And then we put a further two lines here and here such that, when the combatants stand on them, the tips of their sabres are roughly a foot apart." "And then, at the shout of "Allez!" from the presiding officer, which is me, they go for it." "That's it." "Gentlemen, I must ask you both to acknowledge that the outcome of this contest shall settle for all time all matters arising from accusations of cowardice and counter-cowardice, and that they shall hereafter not be mentioned, and there is an end on't." "Gentlemen, stand your ground." "Allez!" "The sabre is an edged weapon, so the duellists may thrust and cut with it." "Max slashes Sean's arm, bringing forth the crimson fluid, but he carries on." "'Tis but a scratch." "Did Max really suffer an asthma attack 25 years ago?" "Did Sean really run home for his tea?" "It matters not." "Now a single blow can settle the matter, once and for all." " Agh!" " You see?" "Scurvy dog!" " Is he quite dead?" " Quite dead, sir." "Mr Andrews?" "Honour is satisfied, sir, and now you must leave this place before the constables come." " Go, sir, now." " Thank you, sir." "Seconds, we must leave this tragic arena." "Let us go." "And so it came to pass that, in the year of our Lord 2010," "Mr Max Andrews of Kimberley proved himself to be, unquestionably, well 'ard." "If you've been a victim of impertinence and it wasn't your fault, do please get in touch, and our team of experts will try and help you sort it out at dawn." "No win, no fee." "Write to us at..." "And please mark your email "I demand satisfaction"." "Don't put this into Google, whatever you do." "Anyway, whatever is happening with our quest to learn the ancient skill of navigation and end the tyranny of satnav?" "Now, last week we were attempting to rescue this illegal immigrant... ..from this beach in Sangatte..." "..in a silent sailing boat." "And unfortunately we failed because of the weather." "So he's still there." "May..." "Don't have any programmes left in this series, so we'll have to have another go next year." "Crikey!" "It doesn't matter, because it's the director Tom's birthday, so instead of sailing, perhaps we could build him a giant rocket." "# Ground control to Major Tom #" "And again." "And... action!" "'Tom is depressed." "He's been 45 years on this planet, 'and all he has to show for it is a stupid hat.'" " Thank you." "Very good." " There was nothing wrong with the first one." "You only said "again" because you're miserable because you're 45." "'What Tom needs, along with so many other blokes of a certain age, 'is some new inspiration.'" "HE TOOTS UNENTHUSIASTICALLY It's not even funny." "So we're going to build for him the most potent symbol of male endeavour - a rocket, though not quite as good as this one." "What we have in mind is something tailor-made, something tailored to Tom's mood, in fact - a giant multi-stage rocket like Saturn V that separates and dispenses special effects, something that will drag Tom's moribund soul" "out of the doldrums of middle age to soar and blaze gloriously in the infinite inverted bowl of the night sky." "History shows that the greatest achievement of men in sheds was putting a man on the moon." "And, while you might have to wait until series two for Man Lab to achieve this, we are at least going to blast skywards with this eight-foot beast." "Producing 39lbs of thrust, the Man Lab birthday rocket will power to over 2,000 feet at a velocity of over 200 miles an hour." "Just like its big brother the Saturn V, our rocket will separate during its giddy ascent, releasing two spectacular pyrotechnic displays." "Finally, the sections will descend on parachutes towards a waiting aircraft carrier in the Pacific Ocean near Hawaii - or maybe next door's garden." "'To make the launch even more spectacular," "'I've decided to build up to it with a tantalising musical firework display, 'choreographed to a song specially chosen for Tom.'" "'Time for some scientific testing.'" " What's that one called?" " Serpent's Tail." " Serpent's Tail?" "Missile Mayhem." "What does that do?" "'These names promise so much, but if you read the small print, 'garden fireworks perform only two tricks - 'they eject stars or emit a shower of sparks.'" "It's always one of those two things, and it all tragically reminds me of our family bonfire party when I was a child, when my dad would take each firework out of the box - there were only ever five or six - tell us what it was called," "read out what it would do, stick it in the earth, light it." "We'd go, "Whoo." "Can I have hot dog now?"" "'We have hundreds of fireworks." "They will be set off in giant broadsides 'timed to go off perfectly in synch with the music." "'As Charlie the researcher tests them out, I know the length each fuse, 'the flight time, and the duration of each effect.'" "I like that one." "A 7.97-second fuse, 29-dead seconds of display." "'The test firings also get me thinking about the special effects 'for our giant multi-stage rocket." "'This is Man Lab's heavily sandbagged explosives laboratory.'" "Ooh!" "This is really what a banger's made from." "'I start with gunpowder." "'Next I add titanium, to give sparks." "'Finally, I move into various compounds, including strontium...'" "Red!" "'..and copper carbonate.' Blue!" "'After much deliberation, I have the formulae for traditional fireworks - 'stars and sparks.'" "The stars in stage one will be the red and blue mixtures you saw earlier, but now formed into these handy little pellets." "Stage two is a bit more esoteric." "There is titanium, which will give it a silvery-gold colour." "It will be more like, er, giant silvery-gold fronds, like giant palm leaves in the sky, a golden canopy over our saviour, Tom." "'Because of the rocket's epic ceiling height, 'we've had to book a launch-time slot with air-traffic control 'to avoid downing passing aircraft." "'But with the window fast approaching," "'I begin to suspect that a key member of our team 'might not have the right stuff." "'This is Richie Rocket, the rocketeer." "'Hot-dog Richie has spent some hours successfully wrapping the rocket 'in fatuous birthday paper." "This makes us suspicious.'" "No, it's not straight." "Oops!" "Hold that for me, please." "'In fact, by the time he's finished fiddling with the bolshie birthday ballistic, 'our 7pm deadline is almost upon us.'" "Just don't push on the rocket." "'Quickly we set up the fireworks for the preludial display.'" "Turn all the fuses the same way so you'll be able to get at them." "'Finally, with minutes to spare, it was time for Tom's musical birthday display.'" " Tom, happy birthday." " Happy birthday." " Begin sequence." " Ignition." "Cue music!" "SONG: # "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" by The Smiths" "Row one." "Aerial Attack?" "Yes." "Ignition ready." "Ready?" "Go." " Missile Mayhem coming through...now." " # ..in the haze of a drunken hour..." "Aerial Attack, large!" "Row three." "# But heaven knows I'm miserable now" " # I was looking for a job..." " Splendid." "# And then I found a job" "'Cue Serpent's Tail...and Bambi!" "'" " What the hell's that?" " TOM LAUGHS" "# In my life" "# Why do I give valuable time..." "More Missile Mayhem!" "# To people who don't care if I" "# Live or die?" "Big one, big one!" "Perfect!" "Ready with rocket ignition." "Finale!" "# Two lovers entwined" "# Pass me by" "# And heaven knows I'm miserable now #" "Rocket!" "'Houston, we have a problem.'" "Rocket!" " No?" " No." "Rocket!" "I was disappointed that time." "Why didn't it work?" "Do you want to take a torch so you can see what's going on?" "'We were nearly as depressed as Tom." "'But then...'" "MUSIC: "Rocket Man" by Elton John" "# Rocket man" "# Burning out his fuse out here - NEEDLE SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS" " It's coming back down!" " That's ballistic." "THEY LAUGH" "'In an eerie metaphor for Tom's life, 'the rocket soared briefly in a graceful yet futile arc - 'misfired, and then bit the dust with a final, pathetic "pfft".'" "'But, as NASA themselves discovered, man does not evolve 'without first making many noble mistakes." "'And we found consolation in the fact that, 'for a few magical seconds, we had truly reached for the stars.'" "Anyway, now this." "Not that - that was a terrible rocket." "But this." "Time for something a little more constructive." "We realised the other day that the one thing we don't have in the Man Lab is a cinema - which is not very difficult to rectify, because these days you can go to a big department store and leave with something called "home cinema"." "You take it home, plug it in, wire it up, and you get high definition, surround sound, special features, "coming soon", the lot." "The trouble is, though..." "Mmm!" "..it's all just a bit passive." "You very quickly end up as a sort of pizza-munching sofa-sponge, absorbing the latest Hollywood blockbuster." "So what we decided to do is build our own cinema." "'But where?" "' Well, I'm going right there." "'In the series so far, we've already built a concrete kitchen...'" "Watch your fingers." "Look at that!" "'..a working railway network..." "'Not to mention our very own pub.' Mmm!" "'As a result, the Man Lab is getting rather full." "'In fact, the only possible option 'is to build it where Sim, our inspirational architect, 'has his workshop.'" "How many people could we get in here if we move the bench?" "It would make sense to have the projector behind that piece of glass." " Oh, yeah." "We need a projector." " That can be outside the room so it's nice and quiet, and then have a screen here." "So people will come in, be seen to their seat by someone with a torch, watch the film, obviously..." "Tiered seating." " Tier seating, curtains..." " And in the intermission they go to the bar for drinks, which they will have pre-ordered." "If we could find an organ for #163;50 on eBay, maybe you could wheel it in using the fork-lift truck, which we've never used so far, but we do have one, and during the intermission I could rise up and play a silly tune" " while you change reels on the projector." " Let's do that." "'While Sim tackled the practical problems of the build, I went for a pint 'and a moan about the state of the British film industry with a like-minded soul.'" "Every few years you get the same story. "British film-making is back on the map!"" "Mm." "I know what you mean." "Then we get either a film about poor people in t'North playing in t'brass band, or it's a load of ludicrous toffs in some massive house in the South, all murdering each other." "Either that or it's a film you've made on YouTube about your cat falling down the bog or something." "Then more people watch that than went to see Where Eagles Dare." "I can remember when going to the pictures was a big deal." "I had to queue all day once for a ticket to see Jaws." "Oh, yeah." "That was a proper film." "Yeah." "Anybody can make a film these days, really." "There's no real sort of magic in it any more." "I can remember, actually, when only dead-posh people had a camera, and it used proper film." "And it was clockwork." "Oh, yeah." "You mean like one of these?" "'I'd given myself an idea - literally.'" "Fantastic." "Let's give it another go." "'If we're going to build a cinema ourselves, 'then, why not make our own movie, using technology 'from the heyday of the silver screen?" "'My master work will be an homage to one of the great unsung genres 'of 1970s cinema - 'the public-information film.'" "'Stand on the pavement near the kerb." "'Look all round for traffic and listen." "'If traffic is coming, let it pass." "'When there is no traffic near'..." "These films did exactly what they said on the can, dispensing tips and advice to keep us safe and happy at work and eating ice cream." "Well, now we'll all remember the Green Cross code and use it." "Splink!" "End board!" "'I've decided to call my informative yet entertaining film" "'The Plumber Comes." "'So, without more ado, this is how to make a movie.'" "So I have to be sure that I have the exposure right." "I think I'm ready." "In three, two, one..." "Action." "Agh!" "Lovely." "Hold it there." "I've set our old clockwork camera here to 25 frames per second, because that's what your television at home is showing you." "And here they really are frames per second." "There is a continuous reel of film running through the camera, and a shutter that opens and closes 25 times every second, making 25 individual photographs." "When you play those back through the projector, the shutter opening and closing will give the impression of a moving image." "So we're ready to shoot the next part." "The shower has broken." "Gemma is distressed." "She hasn't finished showering." "She needs a plumber to come and mend it for her." "'Movie-making using an old clockwork camera is a time-consuming business.'" "I've run out of film!" "'But if you thought shooting on film was hard work, 'it's nothing compared with painstaking care and attention 'required to edit it.'" "Welcome to the edit suite, which you will recognise as my office." "When you edit your happy-slappy mobile-phone video at home, you download it onto a computer and move the images around, but in the olden days you had this." "You can see the individual frames in this little window here, then you can decide at what point you want to change the scene, and you make a cut." "Although the editing process is so much simpler with computers, some problems remain, such as continuity." "If I'm sitting here, then we have a change of scene but we don't have something to go to in between - we haven't shot a cutaway - then you'll get a continuity error and what's known as a junk cut." "This is Mark." "He's the editor." "I'm technically the director, and this is how people would work, traditionally." "I'd sit saying, "No, I want that," and being annoying, and Mark would do the difficult bit of trimming the film, splicing it, watching the frames and all the rest of it." "He's wearing gloves so he doesn't get fingerprints on the film." "They would show up." "Then you turn it on." "This is ever so exciting." "I can actually see some frames from my film." "There's nothing there." " It is there." "It's flickering." "It's the shower scene." " I can't see it!" "Do it again." " Where is it?" " It is there." "If you squint, you just about see it." "From the distance, I think." "Oh, yeah!" "There she is!" "I'm amazed you ended up with the right people in the film!" "'Time to start cutting.'" " We start with the 3.5-second establisher of the shower-head." " Yes." "That's the theme of the whole film, the shower." "So if I put a mark there, at the start of the shot..." "Right." "So we've got the shower-head reveal." "Then we've got Gemma's face." "'Now Mark must cut each shot out of the raw footage 'and hang them up in order.'" "It's tiny!" "'It's time-consuming and, frankly, tedious.'" "Here's a situation update." "We've been in here for...weeks, as far as I can tell, but we're down to the final scene." "Those are the clips we need, in order, correctly cut to the right length." "Now it's just a very simple matter of joining them all together using this stupid little 18th-century machine." " Um..." " See you in a week's time." " Yeah." "God!" "It's unbelievable!" "Earlier on, I prepared a light snack for everybody in the Man Lab - cheese and ham scraps with pickle." "And it revealed a terrible problem with the place." "It is biblically plagued with flies." "In fact I managed to trap quite a few of them under this convenient transparent cloche." "And that reminded me of a letter that once appeared in The Times." "It went something like, "Sir, flies should be swatted with a tennis racquet to give them an even chance."" ""That is the British way." And we agree with that sentiment." "We'd just like to update it a bit." "We'd like to turn the ancient battle of wits between man and bluebottle into a contest of pure flying skill." "MOTOR BUZZES" "This is a radio-controlled toy helicopter." "All we've done, really, is arm it with some very sticky flypaper, and we've equipped it with a tiny little camera so you can watch the combat action." "'It's this sort of thing that placed man at the top of the evolutionary pyramid.'" "Right, I think we're ready." "Simmy?" " Release the flies!" " FLIES BUZZ" "'But by the simple marriage of toy chopper and flypaper, 'we have epically levelled the fly-man playing field.'" "The radio-controlled helicopter, or the Anorakus Nerdica, is armed with one strip of flypaper." "The bluebottle is armed with... 1.9 million different types of bacteria." "Which is why they must be killed." "Obviously this isn't an efficient or effective way of killing flies, but the point is, it is sporting, and it's also much more entertaining than flapping at them with a rolled-up newspaper." "Oh, hang on a minute!" "TARGETING SYSTEM BEEPS" "Ooh, I think we might've got one!" "I can't tell." "I'm coming in for landing." "And I believe..." "Yes!" "Look at that!" "We got one of the blighters, sir." "That's one fly down, and as there was a whole squadron of them under that cloche, they've got off pretty lightly." "However, that is not the end of our ongoing war against aerial pestilence." "You must have noticed that, wherever you set up your picnic table, your jam sandwiches and your ginger beer, one of Britain's estimated 850 billion wasps will always find you." "WASPS BUZZ" "There is no point moving to a new location, because wherever you go, wasps will always find you." "They are the Inland Revenue of insects." "Now, flies, we decided, deserved a sporting chance, but wasps, I'm afraid, are one of the Creator's errors, along with Belgium." "And this has caused an escalation in the technological arms race, and one that Man Lab is very happy to rise to." "Quite literally, as it turns out." "MUSIC: "Ride Of The Valkyries" by Wagner" "INSECTS BUZZ" "This is a T-Rex 600 Nitro Pro helicopter, armed with our own home-made air-to-wasp missile." "'Actually it's a small rocket left over from our firework display.'" "Coming round." "On target." "'It's connected to an on-board battery...'" "Arming missiles." "'..and fired via radio control from the ground.'" "Missiles away!" "Whoa, hang on!" "Wait for it..." "Missiles away!" "Ooh, that was close!" "Coming in for the attack." "Missiles away!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Well, that got rid of some of the wasps." "Look." "This one's dead." "Unfortunately it's rather defeated the point because it got rid of all of the sandwiches." " That's a victory to Man Lab." " WASPS BUZZ" "Sort of." "Last week we invited some lapsed musicians who had achieved no more than Grade One on any instrument to an audition, with a view to forming a Grade One orchestra." "Thank you." "The experience was like... being in a room with the ghosts of Bach and Chopin." "THEY PLAY OFF-KEY" "'It became quite clear why there are eight grades of musical proficiency.'" "I reached Grade One standard with some difficulty." "I did much better at theory, but it just turned out that I wasn't very talented." "The lips have to change." "That's one thing that I really hadn't rumbled, is how important the lips are, because that gives you the "pr-rr"." "HE PLAYS "OH MY DARLING CLEMENTINE"" "Any musicians that were lapsed, that were feeling a bit bad about having let their instrument go and wanted to get back into it," "I would say, "Get back into it." "Don't let it go."" "It's so sad to have a skill and drop it." "Fine words and noble, but how would the Grade One orchestra cope with their public debut in an intimidating venue here at the Queen of England's own parish church," "St Martin-in-the-Fields, Trafalgar Square, London WC2N 4JJ?" "Now, this is one of the nation's premier venues for live performance of classical music, and tonight, 600 discerning music lovers will be coming here to listen to Vivaldi and Bach." "But what they don't know is that their concert tonight will be opened, rather in the way a praeludium precedes the typical Baroque suite, by Britain's newest and most ambitious orchestra - the Man Lab Grade One-ers," "conducted by Sir Neville Marriner." "I was kidding about Sir Neville Marriner." "It's conducted by me." "No mention of the Grade One-ers on the poster, though." "Must be an oversight." "With just a couple of hours to go, the orchestra arrive at the rehearsal rooms in the church crypt, and I have an admission to make." "I've spent this entire series pontificating about the importance of dusting off old skills and learning new ones, and yet I have not been practising what I preach." "Many years ago I did a music degree, but it was a long time ago, and I never did the conducting module, and in fact I have never conducted any sort of orchestra or band until now." "So..." "I'm not even at Grade One, conducting." "I'm technically the least-qualified person in this orchestra." "It is making me slightly nervous, so if you don't mind," "I'm just going to sit here and conduct this to myself, and make sure I know the tricky bits where the tune changes." "Oh, God!" "Whose idea was the Grade One-ers?" " Was it mine?" " It's yours." " Oh." "As I look for a first beat from the great baton of courage," "I'm thankful that I've got some assistance." "Professional conductor Philip Mackenzie has agreed to put the band through their paces." "Nervously Britain's newest ensemble hones its reeds, tightens its bows, and generally girds its loins." "But even before the rehearsal really gets going, the band is stricken by a mystery affliction." "Try as he might, our saxophonist cannot get a decent note out of his instrument." "The investigation points to wanton sabotage." "This musician's two-year-old daughter..." " Yeah." "Two-year-old girl." " ..has dropped a small..." "Nobody has ever said this in any programme relating to music before, or maybe ever." "Has dropped a small tub of moisturising cream down at that end of his saxophone, and it's lodged here, which means those very deep notes in the national anthem are coming out a bit wrong." "The other way of doing it - and I did do this once or twice when I was a music student - if we dare, is to release the very long pin through that key, and lift the whole key out." "You've still got that other screw?" "'This is a high-risk strategy." "As Sir Isaac Newton observed, 'it is ten times easier to dismantle an object than it is to put it back together.'" "I remember doing this." "You have to be careful to put the springs back in the right place." "'If this fails, the music is going to sound a bit like Kate Moss - 'ie thin at the bottom.'" "This is Man Lab." "We can do anything with tools." "God, it is wedged absolutely solid." "It's almost as if it was designed..." " Ah!" " That's it." " Tip." "Tip." " There it is." " That's extremely lucky, because my forehead was a little bit dry this morning." "Oh!" "You going to test it?" "Oh, that's better." " THEY PLAY LIVELY TUNE - 'Sabotaged sax apart," "'I had identified another problem." "As you can see, 'our brass section comprises just one trombone." "'Philip was also clearly concerned." "'Time to make a difficult phone call.'" "Hello." "Is that Donal?" "Now, look " "I know things didn't go that well when we did the auditions, but we'd quite like you back." "HE PLAYS TUNELESSLY" "HE AND JAMES LAUGH" "In our quest to resurrect British film, the Man Lab Odeon is taking shape." "Sim has sacrificed his workshop area to build a proper cinema, complete with velvet bank seating, screen and projection booth." "'Meanwhile, sustained by regular deliveries of tea," "'Mark has completed editing my moving picture 'inspired by the great British public-information films of the 1970s.'" "Well, now we'll all remember the Green Cross code, and use it." "Splink!" "'All that remains before curtain-up is to make the ancient projector work.'" " Here we go, here we go, here we go." " THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY" "'Amazingly, the picture is roughly the one I saw in the camera." "But...'" "Sound?" "No sound." "Is something not on?" "'But there's no time to lose." "'I've invited notable film critics to the premiere, 'and they're already propping up the bar.'" "While the audience flocks in, I desperately stall for time by distracting them with traditional overpriced cinema popcorn." "But it won't hold them for long." "'I was saving this for the intermission, 'but the future of British cinema hangs in the balance.'" "LAUGHTER" "PLAYS MAN LAB THEME TUNE" "'But then, a thumbs-up from Sim." "He's mended the projector 'and saved cinema from the horrors of the #163;50 electronic organ." "'So now on with the show.'" ""CARRY ON" STYLE INCIDENTAL MUSIC" "'Britons, this woman is about to fall victim 'to a hazard that can strike anyone at any time.'" "Agh!" "'Hot-water failure!" "It could happen to you." "'Would you know what to do?" "Gemma does." " 'Speed-dial your local plumber.'" " Hello." "Is that the plumber?" "'Well done!" "'When the tradesman arrives, be sure to check his credentials.'" " Hello." "Are you a handyman?" " I am a very handy man." "THEY LAUGH" "'It's not the shower-head or the hose." "It's the fault with the pressure.'" "Water pressure is not enough to get it all the way up to this level, so I figure the problem is with the pump." "'Well done, sir!" "In tall buildings, mains water pressure 'is not sufficient to reach the upper storeys.'" "Oops!" "Silly me!" "'Ladies, never distract a plumber at work." "'It damages the national economy.'" "There's a five-amp fuse here." "There was a five-amp originally, so this has now got to go back into our moulded plug." "'Remember, even a blown five-amp fuse can ruin your shower.'" "There you go." "A fully functioning shower." "'Happy showering, madam!" "'Remember the plumbing code, and use it!" "'Speed-dial your plumber." "Let him in." "'Ask if it's the pump." "Stop distracting him." "'It all adds up to Happy showering." "'Splash!" "'" "Britain's film critics would decide if my message was clear." "I think you've got to put it up there with, you know, Citizen Kane." "You've got to put it up there with Jaws, some of the classics of the genre." "For what it did with the cinematic form, I thought it was incredibly impressive." "I don't know anything about plumbing, but I've learned from the film." "Author, film-maker, TV presenter..." "When will it, you know..." "When will..." "When will it end?" "'A couple of weeks ago I noticed that our researcher, Charlie, 'was hopelessly in love with his colleague, Cassandra.'" "Charlie!" "'To help out, I taught him a skill any love-struck Romeo should master.'" "# I'll file to thee again" "# And sue for pitie To renue my love's distressing #" "'The art of the serenade.'" "# If you come to lunch" "# As I've requested #" "Even though Charlie ran away, I could tell she was impressed." "But then the folly of youth took over." "Charlie thought he could go it alone, without recourse to the sage advice on offer in the Man Lab." " She is beautiful." " He took it upon himself to immortalise his beloved in an etching." "Some viewers may find the following depiction of an attractive young woman disturbing." " Has she seen this?" " I think..." "Yeah." " JAMES LAUGHS" " I've spent a lot of time with her, and I've never noticed that she's got two noses." " Thanks, James." " I'm sorry." " It's very touching, but it's just..." " HE LAUGHS HELPLESSLY" "'Luckily for Charlie, Cassandra's love of the Cubist movement 'seems to have saved him from rejection.'" "And now..." "Ta-raaah!" "She's agreed to go out to lunch with him." "But of course, at this point he now faces a great dilemma, a problem that has afflicted men on first dates down the ages." "How do you behave?" "Well, you can buy no end of books that advise you." "Here's one." "Manners For Men - What Women Really Want." "Your mates will give you advice too, tons of it." "But the problem is, you cannot take a pile of books, or a bunch of your mates, on a date." "Or can you?" "'This is Date Van, the sweaty nerve-centre of Operation Romeo." "'We've wired this romantic Italian restaurant for pictures and sound, 'and equipped Charlie with an earpiece so we can give him advice.'" "So the beauty of this system is that Charlie has at his disposal, going into his ear from us, everything a nervous man would like to have on a first date but can't take with him - the combined wisdom of two middle-aged men" "who've spent between them 60 years failing to cop off, no end of manuals about how to deal with women, how to dress, body language, and a number of volumes of English poetry." "So I think we're probably ready." " Are you happy?" " Yeah." "Right." "Let's see!" "'The first skill to master - the art of small talk.'" "Gentle compliment on the dress." "Don't overdo it." "Quite nice dress you're wearing today." "Thank you." ""It's nice to see you outside of the office," but without being smarmy." " It's nice to do stuff outside the office, I think." " Yeah, really nice." "Brilliant!" "We say something in here and it comes out in there!" "I like to pick a wine by a good name." " Um, a Merlot Masse... "Massarach"?" " Yeah." " HE USES SOFT ENGLISH "CH"" " Or Chianti!" "It's "kianti", and you don't want that." "What about a "Valipoliciella" classico?" ""Stop looking nervous, and remember it's more important" " to be a listener than a talker."" " Do you have brothers and sisters?" "Yeah." "I've got, um, two sisters and a brother..." "This is better." "..ranging from the ages of 22." " How old actually are you?" " Never ask an age!" "No!" " No!" "You're quite neat with the way you eat." "You sort of..." "You slowly..." " Really?" " Yeah." "He'll make her nervous if he says he likes the way she eats." "Have you got a slight thing where you leave everything in its place?" " No." "Not at all." " No?" "Don't suggest that she's got OCD." "I'm not suggesting that you've got OCD or anything." "No, you don't have to say it!" "That's fine." "I'll just pop up to the loo." " She's going for a wee." " Stand up as she leaves the table." "Stand up slightly as she leaves." "No." "Too late." "He's too worried about how he's coming across." "She's going to find out what he's really like, so he should be himself." "He's not going to fool anybody." " All right?" " "Stand up a bit!"" " Thanks." " "That's perfect."" "Don't you want to be an actress?" "You did a drama thing." " Didn't you study drama?" " Yeah, dabbled." "She wanted to be an actress?" "Hang on." "I didn't know that." " "Did she like poetry?"" " Were you quite into poetry?" " Do you like poetry?" " Um..." "Yeah, I did." " Yes!" " Right." "Poetry, quick." " Excellent!" " I'll take over." "I do remember doing something about Sylvia Plath." "Plath topped herself and was a tragic figure." "Steer clear." "She did top herself." "Yeah." " Did she like John Donne?" " Did you like John Donne?" " Er..." ""He said, for example..."" ""'Twas so, but this, all pleasures fancies be."" ".."'Twas so all pleasures fancies be", I think." "Something like that." ""If ever any beauty I did see"..." "Um, "If any ever beauty I did see"..." " .."Which I desired, and got"..." " .."Which I desired, and got"..." " .."'Twas but a dream of thee." - .."Was twa..." "Was such a dream..." " to be."" " Listen, you idiot!" "THEY LAUGH" "I'm not very good at remembering." "It comes to me slowly." "I can lend you some others." "I've got loads left over from uni." " Yes, please." " Yeah, that'd be good, definitely." "Read over 'em together." " If you like." " Back off the poetry." "We think she's getting a bit defensive." "Yeah, could we get the cheesecake, please?" "Just one." "Thank you." " Two forks, Charlie." " Two forks, mate." " Sure." "Did he call him "mate" there?" "He seemed very familiar." "Charlie, we don't know how you do this, but go for the second date." "Come in on the food angle, maybe." "I think it would be fair to take you out again," " but you get to choose the food next time." " We could do." "We could maybe go with everyone from work one night." " You'd prefer the two of you." " I would think it'd be better..." "I'd prefer the two of us." "I think today's been nice." "No, it has been." "Really nice." "It's just that..." "I don't know if my boyfriend would approve, so..." "ALARM BLARES" "Be safer to just go with the team." "ALARM CONTINUES" "Boyfriend." "She's got a boyfriend." "What the hell..." "I didn't know you had a boyfriend." "Why didn't we know she had a boyfriend?" " Congratulations." " Thanks." " Get the bill." " "Can we get the bill, please?" "Thank you very much." "Lovely."" "Whoa!" "So, what have we learned from our bruising encounter with love?" "Not every idea we have on this programme can be brilliant." "That one was pretty terrible, to be honest." " There you go, mate." " Cheers." "And anyway, it's all rubbish." "All the advice from your mates and your dad, all the stuff in these books - it's absolute cobblers." "Let's put all that behind us and get on with something manly and constructive - like this, for example." "And now it's time to watch another well-known media personality struggling with a menial task." "Yes, it's Celebrity Man Task." "Earlier in the series, the nation held its breath as Alexander Armstrong beat the all-comers' record for flat-pack furniture assembly." "Last week we marvelled as TV news veteran John Sergeant smashed his personal best by changing a punctured wheel." "Today, then, it's time for actor and comedian Hugh Dennis to reveal his secret skill and compete for the Man Lab badge of honour." "Before Hugh stole my job on that drinking programme, he was an amateur landlord, responsible for the decor of swathes of the West Midlands." "HE BLOWS SINGLE BLAST" "Today he will try to replicate his historic record set in Walsall in 1985, wallpapering a one-bedroomed flat for 15 students in 42 minutes and 46 seconds." "'This exclusive attempt will be overseen by me" " 'in the Man Lab monitoring centre.'" " This is a pasting table." "It's not a very expensive pasting table." "Stop moaning." "The rules are very simple." "Any school boy error" " will incur a five-minute time penalty." " Now..." "Barely three minutes on the clock, and Hugh's tentative approach is just not paying the rent." "This is the third time he's moved all the tools around." "What unpleasant wallpaper!" "HE LAUGHS" "They don't even give you a radio when you're doing this." "This is inhuman." "Stop moaning!" "Bad workmen and all that." "A slow start, but he still knows some tricks of the trade." "Good point!" "He's remembering to take the light switch off." "When will he realise there's no glue?" "Mixing the paste should come first." "Delay it, and the powder won't have time to dissolve properly." "I'm counting not mixing the glue first as a school boy error, because you're supposed to let it settle a bit." "Five-minute penalty!" "He's going to roll it up again." " Stop rolling it up!" " HE LAUGHS" "Glue!" "After 20 minutes with little progress, Hugh finally starts on the paste." "Once, at Christmas," "I, um, mis-read the bread-sauce instructions on the packet." "I had four people over for dinner and I made bread sauce for 48." "Stir briskly..." "'But a bit too much stirring, and the fumes seem to be getting to him.'" "Oh, this is rubbish!" "Why are you lumpy?" "Here is a man actually talking to wallpaper paste." "After 30 minutes of faffing, Hugh finally gets some paper on the wall." "But he's forgotten to use his plumb line." "Didn't draw a vertical line." "School boy error." "Five-minute penalty." "At least he's noticed that the paper is upside down." "Think I'll stop there." "Next he downs tools for a cup of tea." "I'm waiting for the "foot in the bucket of paste" moment." "Careful, now." "Refreshed, Hugh rallies himself for one last great hurrah." "It's very easy to tear this at the point where it narrows." "Oi, oi, oi!" "Don't do that!" "Don't do that!" "'But, as the clock runs down, it's all over 'for the man they once called the Walsall Whirlwind.'" "SINGLE BLAST ON TOOTER Oh, bollocks!" "HE LAUGHS HEARTILY" " There can be only one verdict." " Failed." " I'll wear that with some pride." " 'They say that, for every man, opportunity knocks but once.'" "But in Hugh's case, sadly, it's only the bailiffs." "Truly an evening of massive national disappointment, brought to you in association with Man Lab." "'It's half an hour before the Grade One-ers' debut performance, 'and I'm on the phone to a bloke, begging him to come to our aid.'" "Hello." "Is that Donal?" "I know things didn't go that well when we, um... when we did the auditions, but we'd quite like you back." " HE PLAYS TUNELESSLY" " Donal the trumpeter originally didn't make the band, for rather obvious reasons." "'In fact, he could only manage the first three notes" " 'of Three Blind Mice.'" " HE PLAYS THREE DESCENDING NOTES" "But, with the brass section in crisis," "I had a desperate plan that might just work." "Thanks for coming." "The three notes you got right in Three Blind Mice, which is the first three - those are the three we need." " Can you still do them?" " Well, I can." "I printed this thing off..." "Well, I wrote it, because I was on YouTube and I watched a guy do God Save The Queen." "So I've done the fingers, cos I can't remember what I was playing in that audition." "'I've got no idea what he's talking about.'" "First two fingers are nothing, but I think that nothing is all three the same." " Can you give it a whirl?" " Yep." " Cos we've got about half an hour." " Imagine the orchestra's playing." " I'm sitting down, aren't I?" " Yes." " I'll be conducting." " Yeah." " And I'll be going..." "HE SINGS TUNE TO "LONG TO REIGN OVER US" PHRASE" "HE PLAYS NOTE" " No, wait!" " Oh!" " Until I'm going..." " HE SINGS TUNE AGAIN" "HE SINGS "GOD SAVE" TUNE DONAL JOINS IN WITH WRONG NOTES" "No!" "The three beats are down, across and up." "It's essentially a slightly wobbly triangle." "HE SINGS "LONG TO REIGN OVER US" TUNE" "THEN "GOD SAVE"..." "DONAL PLAYS "THREE BLIND MICE" # Three blind mice #" "OK." "Let's put our earlier slight misunderstanding behind us." "You are now officially in the Grade One-ers." " But only for the last three notes." " So before that," " am I just sitting down?" " Yeah." " OK." " You can do a bit of miming, I suppose." "That's normal on TV." " But don't blow anything." " So I just remain silent." " Yeah." " And just play those last three..." " You'll still get a credit." " Perfect." " Right." "Thank you." " I'll go and do a bit of practice." "'Now back to my own studies.'" "DONAL PLAYS HIS THREE NOTES" "HE REPEATS THREE NOTES... ..DRAWING OUT THE LAST ONE PAINFULLY" "There is a poem by Thomas Hardy - I think it's called Channel Firing - in which he describes the noise of gunnery practice at sea, and people are starting to wake from the dead, believing, you know, it's the Resurrection and all that." "But God says, "Hah!" "No." "It will be hotter still when I blow the trumpet."" "I think he's met his match in Dougal " "Donal, whatever his name is." "If I get that first note OK, the other two should follow." "If the first one's wrong, the other two will follow as well, but they'll be wrong." "To save money, I'd lent the orchestra some of my shirts, into which they changed and sweated profusely with anxious trepidation." "I get quite nervous if I'm on stage or something and these people have paid, you know, a lot of money to come and see a show tonight, and I'm really hoping that they've read the refund policy correctly." "'But now the time for doubting was over." "'Ready or not, it was time to unleash the Man Lab orchestra 'on an unsuspecting audience." "'The words of Henry V's speech at Agincourt came to me 'as I led my happy few, my band of brothers, towards their date with destiny.'" "APPLAUSE" "'"And gentlemen in England now a-bed" "'Shall think themselves accursed they were not here," "'And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks"..." "'That played with us upon St Martin's Field.'" "Ladies and gentlemen, every musician you have heard performing here has, at some point, taken Grade One." "The interesting thing about our orchestra here is that its members have ONLY taken Grade One." "Some of them did this long ago in childhood." "Some of them have come to music more recently and taken it as adults, but the thing that unites them is that they have got no further." "We wanted to save a few musical lost souls, and this is the result." "So here to play for you tonight the Grade One Medley..." "Please welcome the Grade One-ers!" "ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "ALL STRIKE UP "WHEN THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN"" "ALL PLAY CLUNKILY BUT WITH ENTHUSIASM" "'This glorious performance from my reborn musicians 'is the final chapter in this campaign to save the humble chap." "'Our quest has taken us from wild oceans 'to idyllic gardens.' Whoo!" "'We have experimented and designed, 'crafted a new homeland for the troubled soul of man..." "'..gathering on the way a treasure trove of skills to serve us even unto death." "'In short, we have emerged blinking into a new dawn of competence.'" "Not bad!" "Yes!" "ALL PLOD BRAVELY THROUGH "LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY"" "ALL SEGUE INTO NATIONAL ANTHEM" "'Now it remains only for the prodigal Donal to blow the final fanfare for the common man.'" "ALL PLAY NATIONAL ANTHEM" "HE JOINS IN PROUDLY WITH FINAL THREE NOTES" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "HE IS DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING" "'As Thomas More wrote, "Music!" "oh how faint, how weak," "'Language fades before thy spell!" "'Why should Feeling ever speak," "'When thou canst breathe her soul so well?"'" "Absolutely elated." "I always wanted to play in an orchestra, and I never ever thought I would." "I've started late in life, and it's brilliant!" "'I thought I'd come in too early, and I was just starting to play.'" "Then I knew, "No, OK." "That's fine."" "'My work here is done.'" "Fantastic." "I feel great." "I did it." "I'll be honest - I thought people would be touched by the idea of people who only had Grade One having a go, because having a go is British and decent and it has to be cheered." "But it was moving!" "I've never conducted an orchestra in front of people." "I've never conducted an orchestra at all." "I became quite choked up." "It was fantastic." "Better than being in the World Cup!" " Loved it!" " THEY CHEER" "'But now we must rest awhile from our labours." "'But fear not." "'When peril once again threatens the humble chap, 'then, like King Arthur, Man Lab will rise from its slumbers, 'seize its tools and its book of poems, 'and save the blokes of Britain.'" "Anyway, that's it from us." "Thank you very much for watching, and goodbye." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk" "."