"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidant" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see" "♪ The biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪" "Good mornin'." "Oh, how was your date last night?" "Oh, it's too soon to tell." "I'll let you know when I send him home." "Is this for Rose's birthday?" "Oh, now, look, don't you start with me." "Every Christmas, every birthday, any time we have to give a gift to the same person, you always find something wrong with mine so yours looks better." "I didn't say anything." "But let's face it, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it." "Look at the ducky wrapping' paper." "And the little stick-on bow." "Did you get her a Ziggy card?" "No." "Oh, my." "Not Snoopy?" "I didn't get her a card." "Dorothy, if you're really so worried about this, well, I'll just let Rose open yours first so you won't be embarrassed." "You know, your ego is so fragile you have to turn everything into a popularity contest." "Well, I have news for you." "Today your worst nightmare happens." "Today I make you look bad." "You hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, don't you?" "There's a man leaving in 10 minutes." "Be under him." "Coming through." "The Pope's in town and I've got a bus to catch." "Let's see, I've got my binoculars, my lucky rosary..." "Uh-oh, I forgot my whoopee cushion." "Ah, who am I kidding?" "Everyone on that bus will be over 80." "It'd be like getting a dog to bark in a kennel." "What are you talkin' about, Sophia?" "Oh, the Pope is saying a mass on his stopover here." "Ma got two tickets." "We're going together." "Oh, a papal mass is something people wait a lifetime for." "Whoops." ""Whoops"?" "Is that Pope-related, or just another bark in the kennel?" "The Pope." "I traded our two bad tickets way in the back for one good ticket way up front." "Well, Ma, what about me?" "Uh, I thought about that." "This is the plan." "We'll get one of those really long overcoats," "I'll stand on your shoulders, and..." "And what?" "Blend in with the circus folk?" "Dorothy, I need to get close to the Pope so I can ask him to come and bless my friend Agnes in the hospital." "Oh, well, now, isn't that sweet?" "But, honey, with all those people, there's no way you're ever going to get the Pope to notice you." "Oh, he'll notice me." "I'm home." "Oh, Rose, happy birthday, honey!" "Oh, thanks so much, sweetheart." "An even happier birthday from me." "You're hurting me, Dorothy." "Sorry." "Honey, before you do anything else I want you to open my gift." "I think you're gonna like it." "Oh, isn't that pretty." "Oh, Dorothy!" "Oh, a second-hand sweatshirt with my name misspelled on it." "Oh, you're right, Dorothy, I love it!" "Rose, that is the original Mickey Mouse Club  sweatshirt that Roy wore!" "I got it at an auction." "Oh, my God." "I loved Roy." "Oh, there was something about him." "Woof!" "Oh, Dorothy, I just can't imagine a better birthday present." "Neither can I. Blanche?" "Rose, before I give you mine," "I just want to ask you one question." "It may seem a little odd, but it has a lot to do with your gift." "Has Miles started wearing bikini underwear lately?" "Blanche, please, the Pope is in town." "I'm serious." "Actually, Miles did buy some bikinis." "But just the bottoms." "I have been watching Miles for a while, and I think he's going through a crisis." "He is showing all the signs." "Trying to act trendy, trying to be young." "And if he's also wearing bikinis..." "Just the bottoms." "Mmm-hmm." "Well, Rose, I'm afraid he may start playin' around on you." "Wait a minute." "None of this proves that Miles is even thinking of cheating on Rose." "You're absolutely right, Dorothy." "And that is why I have hired a detective to follow Miles and find out for sure!" "Happy birthday, honey!" "A detective?" "You're giving the gift of suspicion?" "That's right." "He's gonna follow Miles everywhere he goes for the next two weeks." "Oh, and if you really love any of the pictures, you can get 'em in wallet size." "Well, I can't use this." "She's right." "This violates the privacy of her relationship, and I think you should take it back." "You're just trying to make that old stupid sweatshirt of yours look better." "Besides I can't take it back." "I paid in advance." "Can't you get a refund?" "Well, no." "I paid with nature's credit card." "You never leave home without it." "Blanche, I'm not sure." "Miles has never given me the slightest reason to distrust him." "Rose, he was in the Witness Protection Program." "He lied about his job, his past, his name." "Everything!" "Well, it is already paid for." "We're going out now!" "Outside on the lanai!" "Uh, yes!" "Yes, here we are!" "(LAUGHS)" "We're probably gonna sit in these chairs." "Rose?" "Why did we do that?" "Did it seem odd to you?" "Well, well, yes, a little." "But, hey, you're the birthday girl." "Hey, I got an idea." "I'm" " I'm feeling a little frisky." "Did you ever make love in the out-of-doors?" "Miles, no." "Well, just once." "Charlie and I went to St. Olaf's most romantic outdoor trysting place." "Mount Pushover." "But that place was sacred." "Not out here, Miles." "Oh, come on, Rose." "I mean, it's not like anybody would be watching us." "(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)" "But the others are just inside." "Yeah, they're right inside." "That's what makes it exciting." "Come on, live for the day, hmm?" "Miles, there's a detective in the bushes." "A detective..." "A detective in the bushes!" "Oh, that's-- that's perfect, and--and you make believe you're the farmer's daughter hanging clothes on the line, see?" "Oh, come on." "Places, everybody!" "Miles!" "No, no, no, make up a detective name." "No, Miles, there is a detective in the bushes." "Come on out!" "Right now!" "DETECTIVE:" "I'm not really supposed to let you see me." "DETECTIVE:" "It's like a rule." "Out!" "(CHUCKLING) Sorry." "Rose, what is going on here?" "Blanche gave me a detective for my birthday." "How you doing?" "She was afraid you might be cheating on me." "Oh." "Oh, I see." "Well, Blanche is a good friend." "I suppose..." "Well, I suppose she was just looking out for you." "Oh, I'm so glad you're not mad at her." "I'm not." "I'm mad at you!" "Hey, as long as it's your birthday, how about I get one of the two of you together, huh?" "Do you mind?" "Me?" "Why are you mad at me?" "Oh, Rose, you should have known you could trust me." "This is an insult to me and our whole relationship!" "Miles?" "Miles!" "(SIGHING)" "Miles, big news..." "Later." "Rose, I've got..." "I'm busy, Sophia." "Dorothy, I can't breathe!" "Not now, Ma." "Okay, but this better be good." "I don't know." "How good would you consider the Pope's ring?" "Okay, Ma, squirt me in the eye and get it over with." "No." "This is his ring." "Look." "My God, Ma!" "This looks real!" "It is real." "You think he'd wear his fakes in public like Zsa Zsa?" "But, Ma, how did this happen?" "Picture it." "The papal mass." "A few hours ago." "I want to cop a blessing for Agnes, so I sneak into the crippled and lame section." "Oh, Ma, how could you?" "With a pronounced limp." "The Pope finally arrives, I bend down to kiss his ring." "Just then, security comes and whisks him away." "He leaves the ring behind as a memento." "Ma, you stole the Pope's ring?" "It slipped off." "You know, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms." "You're gonna take it right back." "Dorothy, this is a sign." "Maybe I'm supposed to make a miracle." "Hey, maybe this is my shot at getting into the Bible." "Ma, the Bible is a done deal." "Now, you can't keep it." "We're talking about a millenniums-old symbol of the Pope's authority." "Something so steeped in history and tradition that it makes even you seem middle-aged." "You're right." "I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me." "I'll bring it back." "Wine!" "Worth a shot." "Well, I finally got Miles to forgive me." "He must've made me promise a million times that I would never, ever doubt him again." "Rose, I have the detective's report here," "I think we ought to read it." "Okay." "Rose!" "Dorothy, I want to hear that report because I do trust Miles." "And it'll prove that both of you should, too." "Oh, no." "Listen to this." ""9:30: confirmed surgery for the following day."" "Surgery?" "On what?" "That's all it says." "Oh, my God." "Oh, now, honey, don't panic." "I mean, it--it may not be anything serious." "Of course it's serious." "If it was minor, he would have told me about it." "That's why he's been living for the day." "He's afraid there won't be a tomorrow." "This may not be a good time, but has anyone seen a large, jewel-encrusted ring that's steeped in history just lying around lately?" "That's it, I'm damned." "I'll never make it to heaven to see my Sal." "Now, take it easy, Ma." "Let's retrace your steps." "What did you do when you first got home?" "Who knows?" "Nap on the couch, nap on the bed, nap on the lanai." "I do so much, it's all a blur." "Then we just have to search room by room." "It's hopeless." "We'll never find it." "I say we just wait and pray it turns up, say in the next day or two." "What?" "Those are the exact words you used when my gold bracelet was missing." "So?" "So two days later you came back from the dentist saying," ""Are these fillings or are these fillings?"" "What's your point?" "You didn't lose it, Ma." "You just said you did so you could keep it." "Absolutely not." "Not in a million years." "I swear on my life I don't have it." "Do you want me to turn you upside down and shake you?" "You're bluffing." "Okay." "Have it your way." "Here!" "Here!" "I'm sorry, pussycat." "It'll never happen again." "I really can't believe this, Ma." "You of all people should know the value of this ring." "Dorothy, please, I was just trying to buy time." "I can't give up the ring until I know the Pope is gonna bless Agnes." "It doesn't matter what your reasons are." "Ma, this ring is important, it was wrong to take it, and I'm going to see that it gets back first thing tomorrow." "Forget it, Blanche." "I'm not going." "Rose, what's the problem?" "Oh, Blanche thinks I should go to the hospital tomorrow." "Well, if Miles didn't tell me about the surgery, doesn't that mean he doesn't want me there?" "Excuse me, Rose, you're about to make a grave mistake." "You come to me if you want advice on men." "You go to Dorothy if there's grammar you want help with." "You ended that sentence with a preposition just to bait me." "What would I do that for?" "Look, I know how to settle this." "Let me tell you a story of the steamy South." "A tale of deception and tragedy." "Just a second, Uncle Remus." "Give me the ring and I'll tell the Pope to give you a blessing, too." "Ma, Blanche is telling a story." "Oh, sorry." "Go on." "I was 19." "Fine." "He might have a blessing that gets men." "Ma!" "What?" "I thought she was finished." "She just said she was 19." "Well, look at her now." "You don't call that a tragedy?" "Ma, it is going back and that's final." "Go ahead, Blanche." "No, the mood has been ruined." "Suffice it to say, it involved a men's club, a vine rope, and a large bottle of Absorbine Jr." "Blanche, how could you possibly think that this would help Rose decide what to do about Miles being ill in the hospital?" "Oh, Blanche, God bless you." "I see it all so clearly now." "I don't care what Miles does," "I'm going to be at that hospital tomorrow." "And she still hasn't worn your sweatshirt." "Thank you." "I called the diocese like you told me, Dorothy." "The Pope will be here any minute to pick up the ring." "The Pope's comin' here?" "This is horrible." "What will I wear?" "I don't believe I have a thing that doesn't call attention to my bosom." "Try not wearing makeup." "Ma, do you actually think that the Pope makes house calls?" "He will this time." "I made it crystal clear over the phone, if I don't see a Pope on the porch, they can kiss their ring goodbye." "You're forgetting one thing, Ma." "I have the ring." "That's the one hole in my plan." "Look, Ma, I know you're disturbed about your friend, but the Pope coming to people's houses..." "Things like that just don't happen." "That's the difference between you and me, pussycat." "I believe in miracles." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Excuse me." "Popes hate to be kept waiting." "Good evening." "I'm here about the ring." "You're not the Pope." "Well, not yet." "But like they say," ""You never know when the smoke will blow your way."" "You're not getting the ring." "Father, you'll have to excuse my mother." "She has a special feeling about the ring." "Please, take it and go." "Wait." "I want His Holiness to visit my friend." "She's in the hospital." "She's sick and she's scared." "And what is your friend's name, Mrs. Petrillo?" "No miracles, huh?" "Agnes O'Rourke." "I'm sure you'll understand that the Pontiff cannot make individual visits, but I can assure you a prayer will be said." "A prayer?" "That's it?" "Thank you, Father." "Oh, Ma, I'm so sorry." "I know how disappointed you are." "But believe me, giving that ring back was the right thing to do." "I'm off to see Miles." "Oh, I hope he's all right." "I'll go with you, Rose." "Agnes needs me now." "Goodbye, Dorothy." "If I'm not home soon, that probably means Agnes is dead." "And if Agnes is dead, you killed her." "And if you killed her, that makes you a murderer." "Enjoy, Ma." "Miles?" "Oh, my poor Miles." "MILES:" "Rose?" "Rose, is that you?" "Over here." "Listen to my little soldier, knocking on heaven's door and still throwing his voice to make me laugh." "No, Rose, Rose, over here." "T-T-This bed." "Miles?" "Mile..." "Miles!" "Sweetheart, may I ask, what are you doing here?" "I didn't want you to see me like this." "Oh, I know." "I just wanted a chance to say I love you." "Oh, and there'll be no other man after." "After?" "After what?" "I'm here for my eyes." "Oh, thank God you're not going to die." "Oh, and don't worry, I can be your eyes." "Oh, sweetheart, my eyes are fine." "It's just the bags underneath them." "Then I can be your bags." "Rose, sweetheart, you don't understand." "I'm..." "I'm here for cosmetic surgery." "Cosmetic surgery?" "Why?" "Because I look old, Rose." "Do you have any idea what it's like working on a college campus?" "Well, I've never worked on one, but I was the subject of a lab experiment once." "Wait a minute, you never told me that." "They doubled my IQ." "For three days, I was another Einstein." "Then they pulled out the IV." "What was in that IV?" "Smart juice, I guess." "Oh, honey, you don't have to have your eyes done." "Oh, Rose, I know it's-- it's silly." "But, you know, I'm in a youthful environment and I--I want to feel youthful." "Well, if it's important to you, I'll support you." "But why didn't you tell me about it earlier?" "Well, for the same reason that those formulas that dye hair do it gradually." "I mean, it's the kind of thing you want people to notice, but not to be able to pinpoint." "I didn't know you dyed your hair." "Rose, my hair is gray." "It's been gray since we met." "Boy, that is gradual." "Oh, darling, I'm just glad you're okay." "I have had the worst day-and-a-half and it's all because of that dumb detective." "Oh, sweetheart, let's promise we'll never, ever let something like this come between us again." "I promise." "From now on, no more fighting." "Good." "By the way, how did you know I was here?" "Well, that didn't last long, did it?" "Hello." "MILES:" "Hello, Sophia." "Oh, Sophia, how's Agnes?" "About the same." "Is he okay?" "Oh, yes, he's having cosmetic surgery." "It's about time." "I'll be in the john." "Reading material." "(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)" "Oh, who could that... (CHATTERING)" "Oh, my, it's him!" "I think." "Father." "Could that be who I think it is?" "Oh, indeed, ma'am." "The Pontiff is stopping by to bless the patients of St. Ignatius on his way to the airport." "The Pontiff?" "Oh, no, no, Rose." "Let him go." "No, no, Father, I wouldn't feel right." "I'm here for crow's feet." "Well, you're right." "He doesn't do that." "Sophia, you won't believe it!" "You know who's here?" "The Pope is here!" "Sophia!" "The Pope!" "SOPHIA:" "All my life I've been waiting for this!" "Oh, okay, I won't disturb you." "Pussycat!" "Pussycat!" "I witnessed a miracle!" "The Pope came to the hospital and blessed Agnes." "He answered my prayers!" "He answered me!" "Oh, ye of little faith." "Oh, you must feel special, Sophia." "You must feel blessed." "And hungry." "Come on, Rose, let's go into the kitchen and whip up some loaves and fishes." "Oh, he had the most beautiful blue eyes." "Yeah." "All the cute guys are either married or popes." "Ace to the pair." "No help for the Pontiff." "Read 'em and weep." "Full boat." "Okay." "High spade in the hole goes to heaven." "So, any chance of me winning back that ring?" "Nah, I don't have to cut." "I trust you."