"MR KHAN:" "Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan." "They all know me." "Do you like my suit?" "Number one." "Citizen Khan." "I need a lift to work." "I'm on the afternoon shift." "MR KHAN:" "Hold your horses!" "Look." "Kitchen's out of bounds." "I'm mopping the floor." "No footprints, see?" "You women make such a fuss of housework, but if you did it properly, it's easy-peasy." "Just mind you don't hurt yourself." "Chillax, sweetie." "It's all under control." "Ooh!" "See?" "Fine." "But remember, you have to put the washing in." "Now, I want it put in at 30 degrees." " Yes, yes." "Why is the bathroom?" " Stop!" "You can't come in here!" "Why is the bathroom locked?" "Ask your father." "He's in charge of the house today." "Bathroom now only open between 7 and 8.30." "What?" "Why?" "My house, my rules." "Opens again, quarter past six." "But that's not for hours." " Chup." "But..." " Chup." "Dad!" " Chup!" "Well, come on, then." "I don't want to be late." "Sweetie!" "Ah." "That's got it." "Urgh!" "Oh." "Ah!" "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Ah!" "Ahem!" "Salman-l-like-him, Mr Khan." "Keith, have you finished my patio yet?" "Not quite." "You've been out there all week." "What's the hold-up?" "Too many blooming tea breaks, isn't it?" "I was just wondering if I could use your loo." "No." " Please!" "It's closed." " But I'm bursting." "Fine." "But be quick." "Oh, thanks!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " And make sure you sit down!" "I don't want any splashes!" "Pshh!" "Pssh!" "Right, now, I've made a list of the jobs that need doing." "There's no need." "Remember to do the washing, like I said." " Yes." "And call the caterers for Shazia's wedding." "Sweetie!" " Oh." "And we need to find work placement for Alia." "She needs it for college." "If we leave it to her, she'll do something ridiculous like modelling, or something." "Alia's already a model." "A model of a perfect Muslim daughter!" "You know what I mean." "Chillax, sweetie." "It's all tickety-boo, all sorted." "Oh, what is it?" "What's she doing?" "Is it something nice and career-oriented?" "She's going to be imam's assistant at Marylebone mosque." "She's going to London." "But that's not very career-oriented." "It is, if you're going to be Sparkhill's first-ever female imam." "Imagine that, father of an imam." "I might even get my own parking space at the mosque." "But she can't wander around London by herself." "She's not by herself." " But who's she with?" "Your sister." "What?" "That makes it worse!" "You know what Noor is like." "A water buffalo with lipstick?" "She's a terrible influence." "She's not that bad." "She's a vain, selfish, money-grabbing nightmare." "But apart from that..." "She marries men for their money and then she spends it on clothes and plastic surgery." "How many husbands has she gone through now?" "Four." "You know, if she's got a loyalty card, she gets the next one free." "Just call Alia and tell her to come back now." "Sweetie, Alia is a good girl." "You know, there comes a time when we have to trust our children to do the right thing, hah?" "And, anyway, she'll be home later." "You'll see for yourself." "If you say so." "I do say so." "Now, stop worrying and let's get you to work, hah?" "Come on." "♪ Bismillah!" "No... ♪" "Oh." " ♪ We will not let you go... ♪" "Hang on, that's my phone." " ♪ Bismillah!" "♪ We will not let you go!" "Let him go!" "♪ Bismillah!" "No!" "We will not let you go!" "♪ Let him go!" "Bismillah!" "We will not let you go!" "♪ Let him go!" "Bismillah!" "We will not let you go!" "♪ Bismillah!" "No!" "We will not let you go!" "Let him go... ♪" "I'm coming." "♪ We will not let you go!" "Let him go!" "Bismillah!" "♪ We will not let you go!" "♪ Bismillah!" "No!" "We will not let you go!" "♪ Let him go!" "Bismillah... ♪" "Oh..." "(RINGTONE STOPS)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh... (SIGHS)" "Honestly, Mr Khan, if you were that desperate, you should have just knocked." "Yes, thank you, Keith." "Maybe I'll ask my manager if Alia can do her work experience here." "No, no, no." "I'm not having Alia stacking shelves with a bunch of losers." "And you, my darling." "Wait!" "I need your staff discount card." "What for?" " I want to get a snack." "But it's for my use only." "Sweetie, I'm your husband." "What's yours is mine." "I've been cooking and cleaning all day long." "I just need some me time." "Hello, hello, hello!" " Hello, Brian." "This is my husband, Mr Khan." "Ah!" "We meet at last." "Brian Halcox, store manager." "I'm your lovely wife's boss." "Salaam alaikum." "She's an angel, isn't she?" "Absolute angel, Mrs Khan." "I don't know how I'd manage without her." "She's all right." "You're a very lucky man." "Great head for business, too." "We're running loss leaders on some big ticket items at the moment." "Anyway, Mrs K only goes and suggests nappies!" "(GUFFAWS) Genius!" "Baby-and-toddler turnover is up 200% in a week." "Huh!" "Mind you, we've had to limit it to four per customer, otherwise people would be taking them away by the truckload." "(HE LAUGHS)" "Anyway, I must be going." "Brian says I could be management material." "Stupid Brian." "Well, see you later, then." " Er... sweetie!" "Hm?" " Aren't you forgetting something?" "Your staff card?" "I'm not supposed to." "Brian is very strict about these things." "People have been taking advantage." "You've got to trust me, darling." "It's like with Alia." "We have to trust the people we love." "Isn't it?" "You're right." "I'm sorry." "It's OK." "I forgive you." "Heh." "Ha-ha!" "Mwah!" "♪ Nappy days are here again" "♪ Tum te tum te, tum te tum, tum te tum... ♪" "(GRUNTS) ♪ Tum te tum... ♪" "Ooh..." "Ah." "(GRUNTS)" "(HUMS TUNE AND SIGHS)" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" " Oh!" "(SIGHS) Not another toilet break!" "No." "I was just wondering..." "Ooh." "That's a lot of nappies you've got there." "So?" "Isn't it supposed to be only four packs per customer?" "Per normal customer." "But I'm Mr Khan, community leader." "They all know me." "And anyway, I got this." "See?" "Why do you need all these nappies, though?" "Is Shazia preg..." "Of course not!" "She's not even married yet!" "Not Mrs Khan?" "No." "Not Mrs Khan." "God!" "What's wrong with you?" "Sorry." "But why do you?" " Look, Keith." "I'm a businessman." "I saw a business opportunity." "And if I want to do my business in nappies, then I will." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "(WHISPERS) What do you want?" "Active fit or super softies?" "I got them all." "Here." "Tell your friends, eh?" "(SIGHS AND GRUNTS)" "Dad!" " Oh!" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "(GRUNTS AND CLEARS THROAT)" "What?" "What is it?" "I'm trying to tidy up in here!" "Amjad's got something to tell you." "Tell him, budhoo!" "Oh, yeah." "I've been on a detective training course!" "He took an aptitude test, and they said they've never seen results like it!" "I bet they haven't." "You know, it's very interesting." "They gave us all the details of a murder case, where a woman's body was found buried in a field and we had to work out whodunnit." "And?" "What?" " Who done it?" "Oh, I don't know." "I had to leave before the end." "Brilliant." "You know, the key to being a good detective is to keep your mind open to all possible explanations." "In detective work, things aren't always what they seem." "Sounds like a load of rubbish to me!" "Or does it?" "Well, I think it's great." "You're so clever, budhoo." "Or am I?" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "I'll get it." "It'll be Aunty Noor with Alia." "Or will it?" "Where are you going?" "I thought I heard the doorbell." " Yes." "Will it be Aunty Noor?" " Yes." "So?" "Oh, my God!" "I thought I'd just, er..." "pop round and say hello." "Trust me, Keith, she's not your type." "What are you going to do, convert to Islam?" "Of course I'm not going to convert!" "Heh-heh." "Well, unless she asked me to." "You know, now Alia is training to be an imam, maybe we can do the conversion for you." "Why don't we start with snippy-snippy, eh?" "(EXCITED CHATTER)" "Hello, sweetie!" "Oh, well!" "Hello, sweetie, yourself!" "Oh!" "So, how was the mosque?" " Oh!" "We've had such an excellent day, haven't we, Alia?" "Yeah." "It was amazing." "Yes, mosques are amazing." "We hit the designer shops and then we just kept on hitting them!" "Whoo!" "It was the best time I've ever had!" "Good, good." "And what about the imam?" "Did you mention my name?" "Am I going to get a parking space?" "Every shop we went into, they said how incredible Alia looked." "And how she should be a model." " Even the imam?" "We didn't see the imam, you nitwit!" " What?" "We spent the entire day shopping for clothes." "But what about your work experience?" " This is for her work experience." "Shall we tell them?" " Tell us what?" "My friend is a booker at an agency in New York and she wants Alia to come out for a trial." "And Aunty Noor's coming with me as my chaperone!" "Mm, we fly out on Monday." "BOTH:" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" " Now, hang on a second!" "You have such fabulous skin, and what an amazing figure!" "She takes after me at that age, of course." "And this one... not so much." "She's more like her mother." "You know, in my younger days, your mother was always in my shadow." "Mostly because she's so short." "I used to get all the boys." "I tried not to but they just wouldn't leave me alone." "Ah, they all wanted a piece of me." "Well, there's plenty of you to go around." "Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model." "What about your exams?" "You don't need exams to be rich and famous." "Quite right." "People like us don't need boring exams and jobs." "After all, we have..." "Kim Kardashian." "She's amazing." " She is amazing." "Who are they talking about?" "A stupid woman with a big bum." " Hm." "You stick with me, beti." "I'll make sure you become a celebrity." " Hang on!" "Too late!" " But I..." "It's all arranged." " Now listen." "I'm the head of the household." "If I..." "And chup!" "Chup?" "Alia, go and pack your bags." "I'm going to grab a coffee." "I don't suppose you have an espresso machine." "Are you going to say something?" "She chupped me!" "You need to talk to Alia." "Yes, talk to Alia." "Alia!" "This is not good." " This is not good!" "When Mum finds out, she's going to kill you." "When Mum finds out, she's going to kill me!" "Oh, my God!" "She's going to kill me." "This is all Aunty Noor's fault." "What are you going to do, sir?" " I'm going to kill her." "Now listen here, Ellie Big Macpherson!" "I want you to stay away from Alia." "She's a good girl." "You can't stop her following her dreams." "I could have had a glamorous career in modelling, and do you know what stopped me?" "Is it something to do with water buffaloes?" "My father wouldn't allow it." "I will not let you ruin Alia's life the same way my father ruined mine." "She's my daughter and I'll ruin her life if I want to!" "I'm taking her to New York." " No, you're bloomin' not!" "I've already bought the tickets." " What?" "(HE MUMBLES)" "(TEXT ALERT)" "Don't go anywhere!" "There you go." "All top-quality merchandise." "Thank you!" "Come again." "Right, where were we?" "If you try and stop Alia and me going to New York, I'll tell everyone about your nappy scam." " What?" "You're getting nappies from the supermarket and then you're selling them at a profit." "You are a nappy dealer." "Don't be ridiculous." "Oh, twadi!" "You know, I don't think my sister would be very pleased if she found out what you've been up to." "But she won't find out, though." "Will she?" "Oh, I don't know." "She might." "How?" "Well, someone might tell her." "Like who?" " Oh... me." "You wouldn't dare." "Oh, wouldn't I?" "You know, she called." "She's on her way home right now." "Oh!" "She'll be here in 15 minutes." "But she... but you..." "And I..." "Oh!" "I've got to go and help Alia pack." "I hear it gets quite chilly in New York at this time of year." "Brrr!" "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Is now a good time to see Aunty Noor?" "No!" "Hold on." "Yes!" "Keith, Keith." " Yes." "(SIGHS) You like Aunty Noor, don't you?" "Oh, yes." "She's a fine-looking woman, your sister-in-law." "Ha-ha." "You should, er..." "ask her over to yours, you know, for, er... tea or something." "No." "I couldn't do that." "Yes, you could." "You could do it right now." "No." "She wouldn't look twice at someone like me." "That's rubbish." "Don't put yourself down, Keith." "You're a... very attractive man!" "Am I?" " Yes, of course!" "Look at you." "Any woman would be lucky to have you." "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but earlier on, Noor told me she thought you were a dreamboat." "No!" " Yes!" "' "Like a young Sean Connery.'" That's what she said." "Really?" "I've always thought of myself more as a Roger Moore type." "Oh, yes, that was it!" "The Rajah Moores!" "I tell you what." "Why don't you go home and put something on a... a bit more 007?" "I'll make up some excuse to get her round to yours, and you can get to know each other better." "That would be great." "Maybe I'll get my dickie bow out." "Steady on!" "No, I meant my dinner jacket." "Oh, right." "Yes, go on." "Get on with it, eh?" "Bye-bye, 007." "(SHE SIGHS)" "(HE HUMS TUNE)" "What do you want?" "Nothing." "Have you seen..." "Keith?" "Who?" " You know, Keith, from next door." "About this tall." "Looks like Rajah Moores." "The man laying your patio?" "That's him." " No." "Right." "Good." " Why?" "Keith is a friend of mine, and I don't want you getting your claws into him." "I assure you, there is absolutely no danger of that." "Don't play the innocent with me." "I know what you're like." "A single man." "Lives on his own." "Sweet." "Kind." "Rich." "Rich?" " Haan." "The... the man next door's rich?" "And sweet, and kind." "Oh!" "The one laying your patio, he... he's rich?" "There's a lot of money in patios." "Oh!" "How rich is he?" "I wouldn't know." "He's not obsessed with money, like some people." "Only the other day he said to me, '"Mr Khan, you can't buy happiness." "'"Not even..." "' "for a million pounds.'"" "(SHE CHOKES)" "I'm just going to go and see a man about a patio." "Bye-bye!" "Ahem!" "Heh." "Ah!" "Is New York anywhere near LA?" "Maybe I'll be a film star too." "Alia, what are you doing?" "Put that away." "Your mother's on her way home." "What about New York?" " You're not going to New York." "Oh, what?" "I'm going to be a model." "No, you're not." " That's not fair." "We'll see what Aunty Noor has to say about it." "Where is she, anyway?" " Never mind." "She was here a minute ago and then she just disappeared." "It doesn't matter." "(HIGH-PITCHED) Aunty Noor!" "You're wasting your breath." "She must be here somewhere." "It's a mystery." "Just forget about Aunty Noor!" "We don't need to worry about her any more." "And you just get on with your studies, huh?" "MRS KHAN:" "I'm back!" "Oh, hello, sweetie." "You're home early." "Where's Alia?" "There she is." "At home." "Doing her studies, like a good girl." "MRS KHAN:" "Great." "Brian." " What?" "Hello, hello, hello." "What's he doing here?" "Brian said he would consider letting Alia do her work experience at the supermarket!" "What?" " Anything for my star worker." "Here she is." "Alia, take Brian into the kitchen." "You can interview her there." "No!" "Not the kitchen!" " Why not?" "The floor's wet." " Still?" "When I mop a floor, my darling, it stays mopped." "Why don't you just take a seat here, Brian?" "Oops." " And I'll bring you a cup of tea, huh?" "Oh, coffee, if you've got it." "Of course!" "Stupid Brian." "Oh, God!" "Hide the nappies!" "Hide the nappies!" "Oh!" "Hm!" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "(SIGHS)" "God." "This is Mr Khan speaking." "Community leader." "They all know me." "Obviously, you know me." "Now, look, mate... if you get me out of this, I promise," "I'll never abuse my wife's staff discount card again." "And I'll go on a pilgrimage to Mecca." "If all the cheap flights haven't gone." "And my credit card doesn't get declined." "(SIGHS)" "(WIND BLOWS)" "Ooh!" "(DIVINE MUSIC)" "The patio!" "Aaah!" "The patio!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "The patio!" "Aunty Noor?" "Aunty Noor!" "Hello, sir." " Amjad!" "I was just looking for Aunty Noor." "Aunty Noor." "Ha!" "Well, you won't be seeing her for a while!" "What's going on, sir?" "Amjad, can I trust you?" "What do you mean?" "If I told you I'd done something wrong, could I trust you to keep it a secret?" "Have you done something wrong?" " Yes, I have." "Oh, no!" "I've done something very, very wrong." "Oh, no, no, no!" "And I've buried the evidence under the patio." "Oh, no, no, no, no!" "Amjad, I need you to stay calm." "OK!" " Look." "What you have to understand is that when someone does a bad thing, sometimes they might have a good reason for doing it." "You understand that, don't you?" "So, I need you to help me hide the rest of the evidence." "What?" " The rest of the evidence." "I need you to help me hide it under the patio." "You mean there's more than one bit?" "Of course." " Oh, no!" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" " Right." "I'll go and keep them busy in there." "And you... just get on with it." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Ah!" "Here's your tea." "He asked for coffee." "Huh?" " Sorry to be a pain." "No problem." "Stupid Brian!" "Dad, there's a bunch of women at the door, waving ten-pound notes and asking for packets of nappies." "What?" "What are you all looking at me for?" "What have you done?" " Nothing!" "I haven't done anything!" "Mr Khan's killed Aunty Noor!" "ALL:" "What?" "He's chopped her into pieces and buried her under the patio!" "You've buried my sister under the patio?" "Amjad!" "What the hell are you talking about?" "I suppose my suspicions were first aroused when Mr Khan said, and I quote, ' "I'm going to kill her.'"" "Well, obviously, I didn't mean it." "Why would I want to kill your sister?" "Apart from the obvious." "She was going to take Alia to New York, to become a model." "Shh!" "Just don't listen to him." " Is this true?" "Yeah." "Well, I don't know about the murdering bit." "There hasn't been any murdering!" "This is just a load of Columbo jumbo." "Well, what did you want me to help you bury under the patio, then?" "I'd rather not say." "Mr Khan, I'm arresting you for the murder of Aunty Noor." "Amjad!" "You do not have to say anything..." " Amjad!" "but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in..." "Nappies!" "Pardon?" " That's what's buried under the patio." "200 packets of supermarket super softies." "What?" " Oh, dear!" "I used your staff discount card to get them." "Oh, dear, oh, dear!" "You buried Aunty Noor under a load of nappies?" "For the last time, I haven't killed Aunty Noor!" "Well, where is she, then?" "Well, that was a waste of time." "ALL:" "Aunty Noor!" "That man's not rich." "I looked in his wallet." "There's more plastic in my buttocks." "Happy now, Miss Marples?" "How could you abuse my trust like this?" "(SIGHS) It hasn't been easy." "Brian, I'm so sorry." "I didn't know." "Please, Mrs Khan, there's no need for you to apologise." "There you are, see?" " You, on the other hand..." "Me?" "Oh!" "Perhaps you could give this to a good cause." "Our next staff outing?" "I don't suppose you'll consider Alia's work experience now." "Well, only if you promise me she takes after her mother." "(MRS KHAN AND BRIAN CHUCKLE)" "But I don't want to work in a stupid supermarket!" "I want to be a supermodel in New York!" "You tell them, darling." "You keep out of this." "You will do as you're told." "And I am going to make Brian his coffee." "Oh, well." "All's well that ends well." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Everybody's happy." "I'm not." "All right, sweetie?" " Don't you ' "all right, sweetie'" me." "I leave you in charge for one day and look what happens." " Sorry." "Alia is going to do the shelf-stacking and that's it, do you hear?" "I don't want to hear any more nonsense about modelling in New York." "Haan." "Sweetie!" "Of course, shelf-stacking can be good." "Look at you." "It's helped you reach parts you never thought you could." "But about New York, shouldn't we let Alia chase her dream, at least for a little while, even if it comes to nothing in the end?" "I just don't want her to get hurt when it all goes wrong." "I know." "But she's young." "She'll bounce back." "You think we should let her go?" "Do you?" "(SIGHS) I don't know." "Maybe?" "You know, my darling, sometimes dreams come true." "Mine did." "What?" "You... you mean the one where you're Superman and you're flying around the Bullring... in your underpants?" "No, not that one." "I used to dream that some day..." "I'd be living happily, with a beautiful wife and two beautiful children." "And look at me now." "We better go and tell Brian." "Chalo." "Brian." "Mr Halcox." "I'm sorry, but we've had a change of heart about Alia." "It's OK, Mum." "I'm going to work for the supermarket." "What?" " Brian says he'll give me a job." "But what about your dreams and New York, and... and?" "Yeah, New York would be nice, but I thought it would be better for me to stay in Sparkhill." "Oh, thank God!" "So, who is going to come with me to New York?" "Not you." "Well done, beti." "You made the right choice." "I know stacking shelves may not be very glamorous, but you'll learn more from that than any fancy-pancy modelling jobs." "Yeah." "I won't be stacking shelves, though." "What?" "Alia's got the perfect look to be the face of our new range of fashion hijabs." "Allah hu Akbar!" "I told you she was a model Muslim daughter!" "Ripped By mstoll"