"(Plays opening line of "Oh When The Saints" repeatedly)" "(Discord)" " Kenzo..." " Yes, Grandad?" " You ever thought of taking lessons?" " I am taking lessons." " Piano lessons?" " Yes." "Granny got them for me." " Did she?" " Do you think I'm any good, Grandad?" "You'll be better when you've had a few lessons." "I've been taking them for three months." "And you're sure they're piano lessons?" "(Opening line of "Oh When The Saints")" "(Piano continues)" "Anything nice happen at the surgery this week?" "Oh, just the usual crushing disappointments highlighted by my rogues' gallery of patients, whose blackened cavital sockets act as a metaphor for my own decaying existence." "Ever thought of writing greeting cards?" "Oh, my God!" "Listen!" "He sounds like he's playing it with his face!" "You really live in a dark place, don't you?" "It's called reality, Susan, and Kenzo supplies the soundtrack." " It's good for him to learn an instrument." " We should get that piano tuned." " I had it done last week." " Then the kid needs tuning." " Come on, admit it." "He's terrible." " Ben, he's seven." "Well, so what?" "Mozart was writing symphonies at seven." "So, I bet you didn't know you had a piano prodigy living under your roof." "Prodigy?" "Prodigy!" "He can't even bluff his way through Chopsticks!" "I'm glad he's found something he can take an interest in." " It's fantastic." " It's wonderful." "It's making my teeth hurt." "How long is he going to practise for?" "It has to be 30 minutes a day." "How's he doing, Mum?" "Still two minutes." "If that kid had been playing on the Titanic, it would have made drowning a far more palatable option." "Oh, Mum, I meant to say, his recital's this Friday." "That's in four days' time." "Maybe we should up his rehearsal time." " 40 minutes?" " 40?" " Won't Dad mind?" " Oh, that's a good point." "Fifty." "What do you think?" "I'm sorry, Michael, but every time you embroil me in your delicately-woven chicaneries, people seem to want to hurt us." " How can you say that?" " What about that incident with Mr Gonzalez?" "This is different." "Anyway, it was fine once we fumigated his garage and found his Alsatian." "Internet dating's perfectly legitimate, Alfie, and there are two local girls looking for dates this Friday." "I'm also not sure if I want to dip my rod into the cruel waters of the relationship pond just yet." "They've already got 50 hits." "They're in demand." "I'm happy as I am." "I don't need a woman's company to define me." "Alfie, you can't hide behind your tractor magazines forever." "I have a simple system." "Whenever I start talking in my sleep to my favourite chicken back home, Lenny..." "Oh, Lenny..." "I know I've been single too long." "You've been doing that for the last six months." "Oh, well, sign me up, then." "Michael, um..." "In my dreams, I do just..." "talk to Lenny, don't I?" "Recital?" "He's got a recital this Friday?" " In front of the whole school?" " He'll be fine." "He'll be laughed at!" "Come on." "Susan, what's that going to cost us in therapy bills?" "He's your grandson." "Can't you support him?" "I think he's quite good." "Good?" "Have you got selective hearing?" "Sorry, did you say something?" "Am I the only one who hears it?" "I mean, he's murdered so many songs, we'd have to get a forensic officer in here." "I fell sorry for you, all that negative energy clouding your mind." "You're never going to see beautiful meadows and butterflies, are you?" "Oh, I suppose you do?" "I picture them from time to time, to take myself... away." "Away?" "Away from what?" "Things." "I er..." "I'm surprised he didn't inherit some talent, you know, considering he's from such a musical background." " Hang on." "You're talking about yourself here?" " Yes." "It's in my blood." "I was in a band before." " Where?" "What band?" " In my 20s, Ben Harper and the Revolutions." "Oh, go on, go on, la..." "I will have you know, we were the talk of west London." "Our outdoor performances were legendary." " Festivals?" " Fetes mainly." "But it's in my blood." "You know?" "You've got to have rhythm, Susan." "You have to understand music." "You've got to have God-given timing." "Timing?" "It's taken you 30 years to tell me." "Well, when we first went out, I didn't want to bang on about myself." "I wanted to... you know, learn more about you." "Best two hours of my life." "Have you seen Kenzo's song book?" "I have to take him for a lesson." "Please, Susan, I've got time to think about things like that now?" "Real music is afoot here." "You've got that look." "What are you up to?" " Just getting in touch with the..." "lads." " Lads?" "As in friends?" "You don't have any." "My band, Susan, Ben Harper and the Revolutions." "Last night's little chat got me thinking," ""Why not get in touch for old times' sake and have an old jam together"?" " That I'd pay to see." " So I decided to get the old Rickenbacker out." "That nobody wants to see." "Droll, Susan, very droll." "Behold." "I got her out of the attic this morning." "I don't know why I locked her away." "Yes, it's a mystery." "We don't need her, do we, darling?" "No, no, no." "Come to Papa." "(Strums)" "Yeah, Daddy's back." "Well, it's been a whole day." "Have they replied?" "Er... good and bad news, Alfie." "They do want to go out with us, wahey, but in the rush to get our messages to them," "I... may have attached your photo to my profile and mine to yours." "Michael, computers are your thing." "It's what you do." "If you can't even get that right, the whole world will reverse on its own axis." "Look, relax." "They still picked us over 74 other potential dates." "OK, so how will this whole profile mix-up influence their opinions?" "They think you're a member of a debating club and a junior chess champion, and I was the one born in South Wales in a barn." "That's a lie." "It was North Wales." "It doesn't matter." "The point is Terri still likes me." "Well, you, and Georgia likes you... me." "I'll just pretend to like farming for the night and you pretend to like chess." "No, no, no, no." "I won't impersonate another man." "If we deceive them, what sort of foundations are those for a relationship?" " That's Terri." "That's Georgia." " Bishops go sideways, right?" "Hey, Mikey!" "Ow!" "Oh-ho!" "Hello, two boys concealing a computer screen, eh?" "We were just organising a social rendezvous, Mr Harper." " Yeah." "Call it what you will, Alfie." " Get on with it, Dad." "Mikey, I need to use the internet to make contact with a few friends." " Friends?" " Yeah." " Now who's being dishonest?" " No, no, no." "It's not like that." "If you must know, I was in a band in my youth and I'm trying to organise a get-together." " Oh, can I join, Mr Harper?" " Oh, please." "Grow up." "You never told us you were in a band." "I didn't like making a big deal about it, Mikey, but we were great, man." "We were really great." "We push boundaries." "We touch people." "We redefine the genre." "We left an indelible stamp on the face of rock'n'roll." " What sort of stuff did you play?" " Covers mainly." "Remember when we went to Glasgow?" "He thought he had to take his passport." " We left him behind." "Do you remember?" " We did, yes!" " He slept on the golf course." " It was always your fault." " Always your fault." " It was a hell of a gig." "How we didn't start a riot that, night, I don't know." "That was Danny's fault." "Goading the crowd, weren't you?" "Flapping his arms all over the place." "You never could dance, could you, Dan?" "Ben, I had epilepsy." "Oh, you know." "It kept you on your toes, didn't it?" "Come on, we're back!" "Crazy times!" "How you managed to track us down, I'll never know." "Well, I still think of the band from time to time, and I often wonder if Ben Harper and the Revolutions had stuck together, Sticks, what would have happened." "Knebworth, Live Aid, Glastonbury." "I spoke to the landlord of the Pig And Whistle." "Wooh!" "We're back!" "Come on, rock'n'roll!" "Right, let's have a stab at one of the old show stoppers, yeah?" "Er..." "Zigs..." "Sorry." "This is my spot, er, front centre." "Ben Harper, Revolutions." "Thank you." " Thank you." " Right." " Right, well, what about Cowgirl Blues?" " Yeah, Cowgirl Blues!" "Let's..." "Two, three, four..." "Boys... (Whistles)" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "We're still talking." "Do you remember that gig in Oxford?" "The Oxford gig, when we were followed by that vanload of girls?" "Man, we'd be nothing without our groupies." " The Revolutionettes." " The Revolutionettes." "Yes!" "That's it!" " Who was the girl with the piercings?" " Sharon." "Oh, that Fat Shazza!" "Woo-hoo!" "What a dog!" "Rough!" "Talk about rough." "Used to drink meths and surf on the bonnet of my car." "She looked like Meatloaf in drag." "Ziggy married her." "Cowgirl Blues!" "One, two, one, two, three!" "# The rodeo bull went stir crazy" "# I knew right then she was my girl #" " Lady!" " Lady!" "I meant lady!" "If you can't remember the lyrics, you should have said." " I know the lyrics." " You wrote the lyrics." "I wrote the..." "Did I..." "I wrote the lyrics, yes." " See?" "No problemo." " I thought it sounded pretty good." "Give or take one or two things." "I've got a few notes myself actually, Dan." "You came in a bit early on the intro." " Are you sure?" " Think about it." "Think about it." "OK?" "Ziggy, er..." "I think you were out of tune during the chorus." " Was I?" " Yeah." "I'm sorry, mate." "You know, bit embarrassing, but work on it, it'll be fine." "Sticks, very good, mate." "That was good, apart from the fact I think you were a bit flat on your solo, and it's Cowgirl Blues, Sticks." "Cowgirl Blues, cow bell." " It's there for a reason." " Don't touch the kit." "You do." "Utilise it, mate." "That's all I'm saying." "If you work on your deficiencies, Ben Harper and the Revolutions will be ready for that gig!" "Listen, Ben, you know we're called the Revolutions, don't you?" " That's it." " That's all we ever were, man." "OK." "Yeah, fine." "I must be mad, must be mad, must be crazy." "I must have imagined the Ben Harper bit." " Right, OK, who's for a drink, yeah?" "Yeah?" " Yeah, great." "Thanks, Ben." "Beer anyone?" "Refreshments, OK." "Here we go." "Cheers, Dan." "Anyway, I think you can still stick them away." "Hey, boys, rock'n'roll!" " He's got to go." " I can't believe he's still like that." "This is the reason I went into loft insulation." "We'll have to find a way to tell him somehow." "The thing I can't figure out is why we didn't sack him sooner the last time." "He was the only one who had a car." "He's improved so much, Mum." "I'm telling you, Kenzo's going to kick some serious arse this Friday." "Janey, it's a piano recital for seven-year-olds, not an underground cage fight." "I know." "I know." "He's just going to stick it to the other kids." "That's all I'm saying." "You shouldn't be taking this so seriously." "So long as he enjoys it, that's the main thing." "I just want him to have the musical chances I never had." "We encouraged you to take up a musical instrument." "I had one violin lesson and then my violin went missing." "What was all that about?" "Yes, it's a mystery." "Hey!" "Did you hear that?" "Ha-ha!" "Did you hear that out there?" "I mean, hoo-wee!" "That was real music!" "I swear, when I played that final chord, I could see a tear in Ziggy's eye." "I'll bet." "I'm just getting the guys some beers." "Hey, Susan, they're drinking before lunch!" "Before..." "I mean, those guys are completely mental." "They'll be driving at 32 in a built-up area next." "So, do you remember all the songs OK, Dad?" "It has been a long time." "Janey, that jam session was laced with magic." "I mean, I would elaborate, but you two just wouldn't understand the sheer chemistry, the dynamism, the raw energy, the sheer rush of adrenaline when four musicians are hurtling headlong on a path to musical nirvana." "Thank God he didn't elaborate." "All right, Susan, me and the guys are just heading down to the pub." " Fine." "Dinner will be ready around seven." " Oh, chill out, babe." "We're rock people." "Our creative clock ticks at its own pace." " 7:15?" " That's lovely." "Fine, OK." " Hey, guys, the pub!" " (Unenthusiastically) Yeah." "Ziggy, isn't it?" " Er... yeah." "Yeah, that's right." "I heard you." "Sounds like you're having fun." "Is that what it sounded like?" "How's Ben doing?" "Er..." "No, he's great and all, really great." "It's just, you know, things have changed, and, well, he hasn't." " What are you saying?" " Er... well, how can I put this?" "We want him out of the band." "Oh." "Is it his playing or his personality?" "Er..." "Yeah." "Right." "So, when are you going to tell him?" "Oh, God." "Look, Mrs Harper, I used to do a bit of roadieing for Black Sabbath in the '70s, when Ozzy Osbourne... had his little demons, shall we say?" "One rainy night in Munich, Ozzy got drunk and locked himself in a Portaloo." "I had to batter the door down and wrestle a bottle of Jack Daniel's off him while he attacked me with a mic stand." "And?" "And I would take that over having to tell Ben any day." "I see." "I don't suppose you could... break it to him, could you?" "Well, he'll be humiliated and crushed." "Love to." "Yeah, Susan, I thought us appearing live again and me fronting the band would be..." " Well, a miracle." " It will be." " Ben, we need to talk." " You know what it is, Susan?" "When I'm with the band, it's like I'm in a different world, and I can actually see those butterflies and meadows you were talking about." "Are you sure they're butterflies?" "They could just be dead leaves blowing in the wind." "All I'm saying is, Susan, that I haven't been as happy as this for... for..." "Ooh, ages." " Ben..." " You know what it is, don't you?" "For the first time in a long while, I've got friends." "Friends, Susan, real friends, and it feels really good." "Sorry, you wanted to talk about something?" " It'll keep." " Yup." "# To think that you were a caterpillar in a Moroccan villa #" " Listen, Dad..." " Yeah?" "I let you use my computer the other day, so er..." "I need a favour in return." "OK, Mikey." "Shoot." "Could you teach me a few basics on that thing?" "He's embarrassed." "Mikey, don't be embarrassed." "You want to soak up some of my creative energy." " That's understandable." " Don't make this any harder." "Look, Mikey, the way I play can't actually be taught," "but I can show you a few very, very basic beginners' chords." "OK?" "Come on, Mikey." "Come on." "You know the rules, Michael." "He shows no interest in us, we show no interest in him." "Is it so wrong for a young man to want to be mentored by his father?" "When you're the young man and he's the father, yes." " What's going on?" " OK." "I'm masquerading as Alfie to impress a girl, so I need to learn the guitar fast." "Alfie can't teach me as he's learning chess in order to portray me." "I've only got a few hours, Dad's got a guitar, I'm desperate, he's got the time." "I'm sorry." "You lost me at masquerading as Alfie to impress girls." "So, how did Dad take the news?" "He didn't." "I didn't have the heart to tell him." "Have you seen how happy he's been in the last two days?" " It's not that easy." " Of course it is." "He was rude about Kenzo." "He deserves to hear the truth." "Hiding from the truth is all that keeps this family together." "(English accent) Oh, I'd say my favourite chess move would be the two-knight defence, although I am partial to the Latvian Gambit." "Wow!" "I didn't realise you liked chess this much, Michael." "Oh, yes." "I can't get enough of the old chessarooney." "Chess this, chess that." "Queen to F-4 here, Rook to F-5 there." "Yadda-yadda-yadda." "So, tell me a bit about your upbringing in Wales." "(Welsh accent) Well, there's not much to tell." "Childhood, adolescence, adulthood." "Three quick steps, really." "You're so modest, Alfie." "What about that story on your profile, where you found those poor sheep lost in the mountains, struggling for oxygen?" "Well, I'm a modest sort, you know, Georgia." "I don't really like to talk about that." "But the way you gave the whole herd mouth-to-mouth, then reared them as your own." "Yes, I'm full of surprises, aren't I?" "Would you girls excuse us for a second?" "We need the toilet, don't we, Michael?" "Michael?" "Oh, yes, Michael." "That would be me, Michael." "Yes." "That's my name." "It's a disaster." "I say we abort while we still can." "A bit longer, Michael." "If I can give Terri more of that chess chat, she's bound to wilt." " It's white-hot!" " No." "Alfie, they're on to us." "I say we ride it out." "It's strange." "Once I put my moralistic instincts to one side, I started enjoying being you." " I say we bail." " Michael, we have to try and make this work." "You and I can't go back to our weird, girl-free co-dependency with its... awkward tension." "What do you say?" " Fine." " Yes!" "Oh, and Alfie, what did happen that day in the mountains with those sheep?" "Some... stuff." "What happens on the mountain stays on the mountain." "(English accent) Sorry." "My bladder's an impatient mistress." "(Welsh accent) What is it?" "I'm sorry, but I think there's been a bit of a mix-up." "What kind of a mix-up?" "This is going to sound really strange, but can we swap dates?" " Come again?" " Yeah." "I'd actually really like to get to know Alfie over here." "And I quite like Michael." "I'd like to find out more about you." "Well, it's a stretch, but we'll see if we can't manage it." "Hey, it's a shame about Georgia, but er... well, I have to say, Terri, I'm flattered you chose me." " So what do you think of Michael?" " I'm sorry." "I know he's your friend and everything, but a guy that lives with his mum, plays chess and goes to a debating club?" "Two words, repressed loser." "Kenzo's all ready to go." "There were a few tears and tantrums backstage, but I'm fine now." " You still haven't told him, have you?" " He's been so happy lately." "It's almost like he's human." "(Teacher) And now, from Year Two, playing a selection of sheet music, Kenzo Harper." "(# London Bridge Is Falling Down)" "That's it, Kenzo, just as we practised." "Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "What is this?" "Name That Tune?" "Shut up, Ben." "I think "sheet" music's being kind." "Focus, Kenzo." "Focus." "This is very awkward, Susan." "The kid is embarrassing himself." " He happens to be doing very well." " Humph!" "Someone should have been honest with him from the start." "I mean, that kid is big enough and tough enough to hear the truth." " That's what you really think?" " Yeah, sure." "Simon Bowel's got it right." "If someone's crap, tell them." " It's cruel to be kind." " OK." "You're crap." "Exactly." "That's all it needs." "You know, no big deal." " No, Ben, you're crap." " What?" "You're terrible." "The band want you out." "Er... come again?" "The Revolutions..." "The Revolutions want to start without you." "They don't want you playing with them." "Oh, really?" "Oh, sack the lead singer and if I say so, the heartbeat of the band, a week before the gig?" " I don't think so." " Ben, Ziggy told me they want you out." "I'm sorry, but you left me no choice." " After all, honesty's the best policy." " No, it is not." " Who said that?" " You did." "Mum!" "Dad!" "This is Kenzo's moment, not yours." "Shut up." " There was no need for that." " Ooh, what got into her?" "That's my boy." "You can think what you want, Susan, but all I can say is we've got a rehearsal at 10am tomorrow morning." " Oh, no, you haven't." " Oh, yes, we have." "One of us is going to look really foolish." " Yup, they're really not coming, are they?" " I'm sorry." " I really am." " Humph." "Ah, well, it doesn't matter." "Maybe it wasn't as special as I thought, you know, well, like it used to be." " Things change, Ben." " Yeah." "And they were getting very big for their boots, Susan." "Oh, they're so bossy." "I mean, it's difficult dealing with egos like that, darling." "Yes, I'm sure." "If we'd gone on the road together, just think, there would have been tantrums, back stabbing, infighting..." "And who needs that when you can get it all here?" " Exactly." " It's cheer-up time." "Yeah." "Give me one reason why I should." "Play your cards right, I might let you get out your Rickenbacker later." " All right?" " All right." " You enjoy your recital?" " I'm rubbish." "Well..." "You didn't overhear your grandad last night, did you?" "No." "I heard some of the other mummies and daddies saying it." "Oh, did you?" "Come here." "Hey, it doesn't matter what they say." " Do you enjoy playing the piano?" " Yeah." " Well, that's all that matters." " Thanks, Grandad." "It's all right." "Hey, they're old people." "They don't understand." "We're ahead of our time, you and me." "They're not ready for our sound." " Hey, do you want to jam?" " Yeah!" "(Resonating chord)" "Just stick to your piano." "OK?" "Stick to your piano." "One, two, three." "# Oh, when the saints go marching in" "# When the saints go marching in" "# I'll be in that number" "# When the saints go marching in #" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " That was fun." "It was great." "Just a little thought, little thought." "You could play a tad quicker." "I mean, generally speaking, your tempo, it's all over the place." "When we got to Row, Row Your Boat, it sounded like you were phoning it in, so let's do it again." "Let's do it." "OK?" "OK." "After three." "One, two, three." "And..." "# Oh, when the saints go marching in" "A little quicker." "Quicker." "Come on." "# When the saints go marching in" "# I want to be in that number" "# When the saints go marching in #" "Have you stopped?" "Isn't it great?" "Our children are playing together." "Listen, Mum, you were right." "I did put too much pressure on Kenzo." "The fact that he was playing at the recital should have been enough for me." "Janey, you're a mother." "You're supposed to expect the best from your child." "I always did." "Up to a point." " Kenzo, what's up?" " I can't work with this."