"I Man on P.A. I Attention, all personnel." "Attention." "The eagle screams today." "It's payday." "Allpersonnel willkindly form an orderlystampede." "(Man) Don'tpush." "Come on." " Hey, come on!" " Hey, come on." "(AlIShouting, indistinct)" "All right, can we have quiet?" " Can we have a little quiet out there, please?" " I Shouting Continues I" "All right, everybody, hold it down a little, will you?" "Silence these rowdies, will you, Radar?" " quiet!" " I Shouting Subsides I" " Radar, you've got class coming out ofeach belly button." " Yes, sir." " Now, let's get on with it, shall we?" " Uh, yes, sir." "You are aware thatyou're pay offiicer oftoday." "I know that." "I'm not some movie I just walked in in the middle of." "Yeah." "I just wanted to make sure you were aware ofthe regulations." "Um, "Each payment in military script... 'is tobemade inaccordance..." ""with regulation 7-9-7/9-4-J... 'ascertaining thateach signature opposite eachname..." ""corresponds with each said pay... 'andin the event that there is a discrepancyin theaforementioned..." ""in either an overage or an underage offunds... youare wholly andonlyresponsible. "" "Thanks." "Areyou sure you got that, sir?" " Sure as you're one foot high, Radar." " Cut that out." "Glad you could all make it today." "I'm your genial host, Hawkeye Pierce, star ofstage, screen and radioactivity." " Well, I guess I'll go pay the offiicers." " Go pay the offiicers now." "Isn't he wonderful?" "He'll be back." "Maywe have the fiirst contestant, please." "Private Frank Daily, sir." "5-6-7-0-9-5-4-6." "Daily." "Daily." "Right." "Okay." "Seventy-fiive dollars and thirty-one, two, three cents." "Just sign on the dotted." "Hope I got this right." "I'm just an ordinary chest-cutter." "I can't make change for anything over two nurses." "Next." " Klinger!" " Yes, sir?" "Just where doyou get the gall to show up for payday dressed like a two-dollar streetwalker?" "Sorry, Father." "I was worried about these earrings with tweed." "Not only is masquerading as a starlet not going to getyou out ofthe army... military regulations specifiically state... that no soldier may receive his pay unless in uniform." "In uniform." "Doyou read me, Corporal Crazy?" "Oh, give me a break, sir." "I gotta get my money." "It's important." "And next time stand a little closer to the razorwhen you shave." "My knees get in the way." "Dismissed!" "March!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup, two, three, four!" "Sir, areyou busy?" "No, Radar.Just looking for mywallet." "Clamp." "Payday." "Your money." "Retract the bowel, Nurse.Just fille it in the offiice, Radar, under "Broke."" "Uh, yes, sir." "There we go." " I don't look old enough to be his father, do I?" " No, sir." "I never been sure, you know." "I spent a week in his hometown once." "Suction here." "Okay." "Now, no-limit game." "Check and raise?" "Okay?" "Usual rules." "Ifyou got the pink slip on it, you can bet it." "Oh, we gonna play or talk?" " Here's your pay, ma'am." " Thanks, Peewee." " Sir." " Thanks, Radar." "Been in the family foryears." "Found him on my doorstep." "Never regretted taking him out ofthe milk bottle." "Open for fiive." "Your fiive and fiive more." "Oh, Captain Kamikaze's in town, huh?" "Next!" "Corporal Klinger." "36-24-36." " This man is not to be paid." " What areyou talking about?" "I said he wasn't to be paid unless he got into uniform." "What's this, chopped liver?" "Hereyou go, Klinger." "Just sign yourJane Hancock." " You're a prince, sir." "You may kiss my ring later." "Areyoujust going to sit there and go over my head?" "Frank, ifl could yawn with my mouth closed, you'd have no idea how boring you really are." "Oh, phooey toyouey!" "Next." " Here's your pay, Father." " Thankyou, Radar." "You collected anything for SisterTheresa's orphanage?" "Oh, four l.O.U.s and an offer to give the bishop a nosejob." "Oh, well, don't worry about it." "It'll get better." "Why, thankyou, Radar." "Casting bread upon the waters, my son?" "Oh, no, Father." "I'd never do that." "Food is sacred." " All offiicers paid and accounted for, Hawk." " Good man." " You got a big day planned?" " Oh, I just fiigured I'd goofoffand take a shower." "Oh, decided not to wait till the end ofthe war, huh?" "I, myself, personally, am off to the Offiicers' Tonsil Wash Emporium and Whoopee Parlor... to meet a nurse ofthe totally opposite sex." "And there isn't a thing she can do I don't deserve." " Where did this come from?" " It was left over." "It's yours." " A tip from Uncle Sam." " I Clinking I" "Ten bucks?" "Hey, I can't keep this." "Well, then, share it with ten corporals." " I can't." " Or 20 privates at 50 cents each." " Go buy some popcorn." "See the new hygiene fiilm." " No, you don't understand." "When you got funds left over, you have to filll out this special refund fund form." "No, you fiill it out." "I'm gonna tie a giant olive around my neck and sink to the bottom ofa martini." "I'm gonna need some help with this." "Radar, tell the United States Army, which I so proudly hail... that not only do I send back their ten dollars..." "I would also dearly love some compensation for dragging me out ofmywarm bed in Maine... and giving me this ringside seat at the war... which has already caused me to lose almost $3,000 ofmy civilian practice... by not being there to say to various people, "Please lower your trousers and say 'Ah."'" " Uh, yeah, I just got one question." " What?" "Um, what is your maiden name?" "(Knocking On Door)" "Come!" "Kim Chun QUoc atyour service, Major, sir." " Yes, yes, I know." " Tiffany on wheels." "Like a P.X. Better even." "Uh, happy coat." "Justyour size, Major." "Drives the honeys nuts." "You see this?" "You know what this is?" "Fourteen-carat cheap." "I'm a happily married man, mister." "Honeys aren't any ofmy business." "Ah!" "The wife." "I got some pearls here." "The oysters cried when they gave them up." "I Whistles I Those are real beauts." "The major knows the best." "Ofcourse I know the best." "I'm an American, after all." "Fifteen hundred bucks." "And I don't haggle." " Too rich for my blood." " Uh, yeah, 800." "But we didn't haggle." " Not a penny more than fiive." " You got 'em." "And I'll throw in an imitation set for 50 bucks, no extra charge." "What would I do with an imitation set?" "Well, the major's happily married." "Uh, he must have something on the side, or he wouldn't be so happy." " I owe the pot 50 bucks." " You want me to lend you a hundred?" "Give it to me free, and I'll marryyou." "Not ifeither one ofus was the last man on Earth." " You're down 500, Doc." " Who asked you?" "There's a bonus for reenlisting." "You got terminal mouth, Sergeant." "Deal." "Excuse me." "Any room for a poor pulpit-pounder?" " Fall right in, Father." " Oh, you're very kind." "You see, I'm hoping to raise some funds." "I gave at the offiice." " No extra help, Father." " Oh, no, no." "Don'tyou have something really pretty?" "Life here is so colorless." "So... blah." " Oh." " Now that's class." "Oh." "Oh." " How much?" " Fifteen hundred." " Oh." " Uh, 500?" "An oysterirritated foroverayear... to form these spherical delights." " Two fiifty?" " Too much." "Look, I can getyou a strand for 35 bucks." "No irritation, no sweat, no nothing." " The oysters were glad to get rid ofthem." " Could I have a look?" "I sold the last set to a major a couple oftents down." "I can getyou the same in an hour." "A major?" "Major Burns?" "I don't know his name." "Uh, he had what we call in Korea a real "fertilizer face."" "He bought cheap pearls, this major?" "Also the $500job for his wife." "He's a happy married man." "I could tell by the way the ring was cutting into his fiinger." "(Man On P.A.) Attention, allpersonnel." "Due to theincrediblemediocrity oflastnight'smovie... it willbeshown again tonight at2100hours." "Captain Pierce, you dance divinely." " My parents made me take divine lessons." " Smart parents." "It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton." "You couldn't get any closer, could you?" "Not unless I got behind you." " Psst." "Psst." " What's that?" "Either the camp has a flat, or Radar has developed a slow leak." " Uh, I've got to talk toyou, sir." " Not now, Radar." "Oh, I thinkyou'll fiind this very interesting, sir." "It better be." "I was about to give this girl the dip ofa lifetime." "Stateyour business in one word or less." "Uh, well, you rememberwhen you were spreading your onions on your hot dog?" "I beg your pardon?" "And I took down everything you said about how much compensation you wanted." "Mr. Kwang, can I have a martini, please?" "And a ShirleyTemple, extra dry." " What's this?" " The three thousand dollars you asked for." "I think I loveyou." "You are to send this back in a plain brownjeep." "It doesn't make any sense." "Well, none ofit makes any sense." "Youjust send in the right number offorms." "I can't keep money that doesn't belong to me." "Listen, I got a friend down at the 43rd made a mistake... and ended up with 5,000 specimen cups." "He's going into the ices business." " Three thousand dollars?" " Uh, plus ten." "Three thousand and ten dollars." "Mr. Kwang, I'd like to buy South Korea a drink." "Mm, 50." "There's one short here." "## I Humming I" "$831 .75." " Tidy little bundle ofwampum, eh, Radar?" " Oh, yes, sir." "Uh-huh." "Taxes, federal." "That's what I help pay to keep our boys, which I'm one... to maintain mywife's way oflife that's over there..." " which is whywe're over here." " Yes, sir." "Then you gotyour unemployment insurance." "That's in case the war I'm paying for ends and I lose myjob." " Yes, sir." "Will that be all, sir?" " That'll be all, Radar." "I Sighs I Which leaves a grand total of $43 foryours truly to play pokerwith." " Uh, Corporal Klinger to seeyou, sir." " At this time ofnight?" "Send that dressmaker's nightmare away." "Sir." "Sit down, Klinger." "What can I do foryou?" "Colonel, I got a proposition to make." "Forget it." "We'd regret it the rest ofour lives." "Cooler-offer?" "Four hundred and seventy-seven dollars." " Three months' pay." " I must say, that's admirable, Klinger." "And there's another 250 in a locker in Grand Central Station." " That's terrifiic." " Here's a quarter for the key." " What?" " Let me out on a psycho, and it's all yours." " What is this?" " This is a bribe." "Let me go home." "Klinger." "You are lower than a pregnant snail." "I can't stand it anymore." "There's a war out there, sir." "I'm aware ofit, Klinger." "Don'tyou think I'm afraid?" "My nerves don't sit still a minute." "I swear, some archaeologist a hundred years from now... will dig me up slumped over in the latrine." "Then run awaywith me, sir." "Together." "'Scuse, please." "I got a date with a royal flush." "But as a favor toyou, I'm not gonna mention the bribe." "Ah, come offofit, Colonel." "Bribery is as American as toreador pants." "Colonel!" " (Margaret) Whoisit?" " It's your boop-boop-a-dooper." "Comein, Frank." " Margaret, you're wearing that sweater." " Mm-hmm." "I want to be buried with that sweater, Margaret." "I knowyou think ofme as a clear-eyed, iron-willed major... toughened by action, brutalized by others' pain." "But there's another Frank Burns." "My other alter ego." "Is that the ego she dragged to the altar, Frank?" "I'm talking about the sweetheart me." "The generous guywith a heart ofgold and the soft underbelly." "Closeyour crinkly little eyes." " What is it, Frank?" " Look." "Gorgeous." "Simply gorgeous." "Margaret, I could rapeyour nape." "You're sweet." "Where did you get them?" "Oh, down in Seoul last time." "You know that high-classjeweler's in the lobby ofthe Chosun Hotel?" "They must have cost hundreds and hundreds ofdollars." "Now, I want one kiss for each pearl and something special for the clasp." "I Chuckling I" "Oh, look how perfect they are." "I would have been happy with an imitation... and hereyou've gone ahead and bought me the real thing." "Is there any special way you can tell the difference?" "Oh, certainly." "Youjust rub them againstyour teeth... and ifthey feel rough, they're the real thing." "Well, the peddler, that is, thejewelerwarned me... that these come from your Oriental-type oyster and are not always rough." "Whereas your common, ordinary, man-in-the-street oyster" "But ifthey feel smooth, it's the old "fakeroo."" "Ohh." "I Chuckles I" "I never thought I'd see the day when I'd own a strand like these." "I'm just amazed you were so extravagant for me." "Oh, well, you know." "I Chuckles I" "All righty, boys." "Once around the horn." "I'm afraid my coffers are empty." "I'd like to help, Father, but I lost my diploma in the last hand." " Yeah." "No hard feelings, Father." " Oh, heavens, no." "I think I'll just go curl up with the Good Book." " New deal." " Greetings, offiicers sirs." "What doyou got this month, Kim?" " Pipe this rock, Captain." " Whoo-eee!" "That's a beauty." "I'll giveyou 50 smackers for it." "Areyou kidding?" "The reward's worth more than that." " (Piano)" " So any, uh" "Uh, what's that you're playing, Father?" "Oh,just a little ragtime I play now and then." "You know, for a priest, you have no sense ofrhythm." "It lightens the load." "I'll makeyou a deal." "Tradeyou loads." "I'll unload fiirst." "Good Lord!" "Three thousand clams." "All yours." "You see what a lot ofpraying can do?" "Here." "I almost forgot." "Ten more." "It's an incredibly generous donation." "I'd agree, ifl weren't incredibly modest." "Take it, Father." "Give it to SisterTheresa's orphanage." "Buy a new gargoyle for the Vatican." "There may be a sainthood in this, Hawkeye." "Yes, I can see myselfon dashboards all overAmerica." "Can you imagine the children's faces when they hear the news?" "Spare me, Father." "It's makes me go SpencerTracy all over." "And now, my dear, shall we repair to my tent?" " I didn't even know..." " I Togetherl it was broken." " Good evening, Major." " Well, hello, Frank." "Walk me to the shower?" "You're gonna shower with your pearls on?" "Won't they get wet?" "It's not terribly dry inside an oyster, Frank." "Anyway, real pearls take on a luster when worn next to the skin." "And these are lustering already." "But, Margaret, they're only on a thread." "Oh, I'll take them off before I get in the shower." "Sorry I can't askyou in." " Hey, soldier!" " I wasn't!" "I'm looking for your colonel, Major." " I have no idea where my colonel major is, Captain." " Yes, sir." " Leaveyour duck in the shower, Frank?" " Oh, scram-skee!" "Pervert!" "Fork over 75 bucks, or I'll tell the A.M.A." "You wouldn't!" "You're bluffiing." "How could you tell?" " I think I love this." " Mmm, kissing?" "You make a great lower-lip sandwich." " You like Chinese food?" " Mm-hmm." " You like walking in the rain?" " Mm-hmm." "Mmm!" "How about eating Chinese food in the rain?" " Lend my 1 5, Frank." "That's my fiinal offer." " N-O spells "no."" "We're not being quiet too loudly foryou, are we?" "Hey, give me 50 bucks." "I got an inside straight." "I hit it lucky." "You have all the luck ofthe navigator ofthe Titanic." "What about all our knee-scraping, commode-hugging good times?" "What about the four-leafclover that gaveyou a rash?" "What about all the times in O.R.?" "The bowels we resected?" "We've been together through thick and thick." "Trapper, you have a gift for losing." "You put money in a parking meter, it comes up three lemons." "(Whinnying)" "Frank's mating call." "Gross but effective." "Tee-hee." "You're right, Hawk." "I'd probably blow the hand." "Think I'll go back and fold." "As I remember, I was checking you for polyps." " Sir!" " Oh, listen" "A Captain Sloan to seeyou, sir." "I'll seeyou at 6:00-- after the war." " I'm Captain Sloan, Supervising Acc-Fin." " "Acc-Fin"?" " Accounting and Finance." " Oh." "I'm Hawkeye Pierce, Aggravated Doc-Surge." " I'd like to stay, but that would keep me from going." " Hold on!" "You're this month's pay offiicer?" "I also double as rodent offiicer, rumor offiicer and termite offiicer on Arbor Day." "Well, you're $3,000 deep in trouble, Captain." " Did you really think you could get awaywith it?" " What areyou talking about?" "Where are the funds you thoughtyou could swindle the United States government out of?" "As though anyone might think they could." "How long haveyou had this delusion thatyou're human?" "Father Mulcahy's here, sir." " Is someone in need ofaid?" " Sit down, shorty!" "We've gotyour boss." "Father, this is the kind gentleman who gave us the money." "Bless your heart, sir." "I've driven the money over to SisterTheresa." "The orphans now have milk in their stomachs and warm blankets on the floor." " Well, I want it back." " "Back"?" "As in now." "As in all ofit." " Oryou'll be preaching in the stockade." " Dear me." "Captain Sloan, you'rehelping toruin... one ofthe worst days ofmy life." "Every time I've tried to registerwith a certain nurse... someone's committed captain interruptus." "Andnowyouaccuseme ofstealing." "Butyou're gonna really be in trouble ifyou harm one hair on this man's halo." "Did you know that contributions to the church can be written off on your income tax?" "You're coming with me, Pierce." "First we'll check out with your C.O." "Checkout time's not till 1 1 :00." "(Trapper) Your50and50more." " I Henryl is that a hundred?" " How do I know?" "I dropped out ofschool to become a doctor." " Colonel Blake?" " Disappear, Radar." "Come on, will ya?" "It's 3:00 in the morning." "Uh, Colonel Blake, Captain Sloan from H.Q" " Likewise, I'm sure." " Henry, I'm being arrested." "Here's my authorization to take custody." " We don't take that kind ofcard, do we, Henry?" "(Zale)Up toyou, Colonel." "Um, it's too rich for me." " Henry" " We'll get it straight in a minute, Pierce." " What areyou gonna do, Henry?" " I just folded." " I'll seeyour fold." " Trapper" "Your captain was trying toabscond with $3,000notrightfullyhis." "Ifyou'll just sign this, we'll be on ourway." "Four tens, you lose." "Forty miles, four tens." "Ha-ha!" "It's mine!" "Mine!" "All mine!" "I just love a gracious winner." "Well, you fiinallywon a hand." "I just wish I'd lived to see it." "And I owe it all toyou, pal." "I started with yourwatch." "A little cunning, a little cuteness, and now a fortune." " You stole mywatch?" " You want me to arrest him?" "No extra trouble as long as I'm here." " We're square." " Not quite." " What areyou doing?" " A receipt, please." "And promise meyou'll go out with other captains." "Hey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime shot." "What areyou doing to me?" "Look, Ravenal, the only reason you won that pot is because you stole mywatch." "Ifl don't give that money to Chuckles here... he's gonna give me the honeymoon suite at the Stockade Hilton." " You're $8.00 over." " I'll take that, for rent on the watch." " Four dollars an hour." " I only had it an hour." " Oh, I'm sorry." "I'll get it fiixed." " Who is this guy?" "Boy, I wish I knew what was going on." " I'll tell you later, sir." " You always say that, Radar, butyou never do." " Are we here to play or talk?" " Anybody know how to play "Go Fish"?" "How about "Hearts"?" ""Old Maid"?" "I'm gonna prove toyou you can't win at cards even for free." "Collecting sevens, huh?" "And tens andjacks and nines and threes." "And little lambs eat ivy." "What, areyou rubbing those pearls on your teeth, Frank?" "The pearls are real." "Your teeth are fake." "Why don'tyou give up?" "You can't win." " Ha-ha!" "Gin!" " You lose." " What?" " I had gin a long time ago." "Threes and nines and tens and sevens and twelves and sixes." "You've got about 85 points."