" A flaw?" " The slightest flaw, Your Excellency." "If you look deep into the stone... you will perceive the tiniest discoloration." "It resembles an animal." " An animal?" " A leaping panther." "Yes." "A pink panther." "Come here, Dala." "A gift to your father from his grateful people." "Someday it will be yours." "The most fabulous diamond in all the world." "Come closer." "Okay." "Thanks a lot, fellas." "Don't forget to take the wardrobe back." "How do you want them, matte or glossy?" "I want it right away." "I'm in a hurry." "You can't rush a genius." "I'll rush." "Now, don't forget about the wardrobe." "What you doing?" "Where is everybody?" " Hey, you, come out of there!" " Who is it?" "Come out of there, or we'll bust the door in!" "Just a minute." " Can I help you?" " Where is he?" " Where's who?" " You know who." "George Lytton." "He owes me 40 grand, and nobody welshes on Big Joe." "Now, look, Big Joe, I'm not a bill collector." "I'm a photographer." "Just took his picture." " What kind of a picture?" " Graduation picture." " His what?" " Graduation." "Get him!" "They're worth half a million." "We'll settle for 300,000." "I'll do what I can, but the merchandise is extremely hot." "You stay here." "Come with me." "Come on!" " Pardon, madame." " Certainly." "She's gone down." "Come on!" "We must find that woman." " What was that?" "What'd you say?" " We don't have much of a description." "About 5'7", black hair, wearing a light beige coat." "And the fools let that fence escape." "He might have talked." " We will catch him." " We must." "We must find that woman." "She is our first positive link with the Phantom." " Yes?" " Your wife to see you, Inspector." "Send her in, please." "All right, Henri, that will be all." " Hello, my darling." " My angel." "Amber, how are you?" "Hello, Duchess." "So glad you could come." "Have fun, children." "Hello." "How are you?" " Hello, darling!" " You ever met Monica?" "Oh, but of course." "You were stunning in your last film." " What's he say?" " He says hello... and he would like you to meet his cousin." " His third cousin." " Oh, well, that makes a difference." " Who's that?" " Princess Dala." "Oh!" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Miss Angela Dunning." " Yes?" " Your Highness?" "Yes." "Well, here I am again, Your Highness." "I was just having a cocktail party, and I saw you driving by." "I just know you'd enjoy it." "Yes, you'd just love it..." "Your Highness." "Hello there." "I can't tell you what an honor this is." "Everyone's just dying to meet you." " Good morning, Your Highness." " Good morning." " You're a wonderful skier." " Thank you." "Help!" "Help!" "Somebody's taking my sleigh." "Amber!" "My dog." "Leave this to me, ma'am." " What happened?" " I don't know." "Suddenly there was a man with a gun, and he took the sleigh and Amber." "We'll only be here for a few days, my darling." "It's going to be a wonderful chance for a beautiful vacation." "Excuse me." "I'm..." "My leg is caught." "I apologize for this inconvenience." "Do you know who that was?" "That was Sir Charles Lytton." " Really?" " Yes." "Oh, I am Inspector Clouseau." "This is Madame Clouseau." "All right." "Thank you." "Oh, I'm sorry, my darling." " It's all right, my darling." " Excuse me, please." " Do you know that you're really amazing?" " So you've said." "How you can manage on a police inspector's salary." "How many women could save enough out of their housekeeping... to buy such a beautiful mink coat as this?" "Well, it's not easy." "You are a constant and desirable contradiction." "Oh, I'm simply a woman in love, my darling." "My darling." "I'm sorry, my darling." "Please excuse me." "It's perfectly all right." "Oh, did I hurt you?" "Are you all right?" " Yes, I'm fine." " You sure?" " Yes, I am." " My darling, I'm so sorry." "Darling, I have a little business to conclude with the manager." "Yes?" "After which, I'll return to you immediately." "Bye, darling." "It's all right." " How did it go?" " Perfectly." "Come in." "Her Highness Princess Dala is concerned about your injuries." "Oh, well, please thank the princess... and tell her that there's nothing to be concerned about." "It's really not too serious." "In that case, Her Highness has instructed me... to invite you for dinner this evening, 8:00 at her chalet." "Thank the princess." "I'd be delighted to come." "I understand you already know Signor Tucker from Lloyds of London." " Hello again." " Hello, old bean." " Your company insures the Pink Panther." " Yes, for half a million." " Pounds?" " Sterling." "The Phantom could not resist such a prize as the Pink Panther." "He will most certainly make an attempt." "But when he does, I shall be waiting for him." "Excuse me." "If I understand your theory, the Phantom is one of Miss Dunning's guests." "That is the theory, yes." "I would like to have from you... the names of those guests and the location of their rooms." "Of course!" "I assume that the Princess Dala has the jewel with her." "She'd only tell me it was in a safe place." "I suppose if it isn't here, it's at her villa in Rome." "My men are watching that villa." "With such foresight and planning, how can the Phantom succeed?" "With such foresight and planning, he's already succeeded for 20 years." "It's a mistake to underestimate him, as the inspector can tell you." "The shrewdest, cleverest, most ingenious criminal in all the world." " And you have never even seen him?" " Well, I've seen him once." "Five years ago, I got a fleeting glimpse..." "Excuse me." "Got a fleeting glimpse of him as he made his getaway." "In a strange way, I also admire that man." "He has... how would you say..." "a unique flair for the dramatic." " He actually waved good-bye to me." " Fascinating." "But this time, gentlemen, I shall be waving good-bye to him... on his way to prison." "Good evening." " Thank you." " Make yourself comfortable." "Her Highness will join you in a moment." "May I give you a drink?" "Oh, I'd like a brandy, thank you." " Oh, Your Highness." " Good evening, Sir Charles." "Any news from the police about your dear little dog?" "They expect I'll receive a ransom note." "I want you to know I am deeply grateful for what you tried to do." "Ma'am, it was nothing." "Thank you." " Please sit down." " Aren't you drinking?" " I don't drink." " Not ever?" "I'm quite content with reality." "I have no need for escape." "I enjoy reality as much as the next man, but in my case, fortunately... reality includes a good, stiff belt every now and then." " On the other hand, I don't smoke." " You're right." "It's a nasty habit." "Here's to all those nasty little habits that we hold so dear." "I beg your pardon?" "Well, let's just say in this case it means... your health and thank you for inviting me to dinner." "It's not often I have the chance to dine alone with a beautiful princess." "I hate to disappoint you, Sir Charles, but I'm afraid this isn't the night." " But I understood that..." " We're having dinner, but not alone." "At last!" "Hello!" "We've been through icicles up to our you-know-whats!" "Oh, Your Highness!" "I think it's just too darling of you to invite me here tonight." " You've just made Cortina for me." " Hello, lover." "Oh, hello, dear boy." "Now, don't you move a muscle, darling." "Isn't he wonderful, Your Highness?" "Such a magnificent sacrifice." "Good evening, sir." " May I have a cigarette, my darling?" " Yes, of course, my darling." " There you are, my love." " Thank you." " Yes, sir?" " Scotch on the rocks." " Thank you." " My pleasure." "Thank you very much." "Say, I'm looking for my uncle, Sir Charles Lytton." " Darling." " May I get you some water?" " Hold your hands over your head." " Yes, my darling." "Bend forward." " Oh, darling, I'm sorry." " Are you all right?" "Are you all right, my darling?" "What?" " My darling?" " I'll be right back." "Yes, darling." "Please." "Yes, she's got a cough in her throat, you know." "And what do you think?" "She turned out to be a man!" "It's true!" "It's quite true!" "You know, Your Highness, you really must let me give you a party." "And I can positively guarantee it'll be a party to end all parties." " I'm sure it will." " Perhaps Her Highness has other plans." "On the contrary." "Sounds like fun." "Will you include Sir Charles?" "Oh, no." "Charles is having a fling in Capri." "He has his own parties." "Yes, I've read about some of his parties." "They're wonderful." "We call him the juggler." "I've never really known a man like him." "He can keep ten girls in the air at once and make each one happy." "Amazing." "Sort of a contemporary Don Juan." " That's it." " Ah, but there's a difference." "Sir Charles' predecessor was forced to climb balconies and fight duels... and, as I understand it, keep his women separate and apart." "Now, Charles, on the other hand, drives a Ferrari... enters with a key and resorts to collective bargaining." "But they both have something in common." " And what's that, Your Highness?" " Maybe it's best forgotten." "Oh, don't be silly." "Charles doesn't mind." " Everyone takes a potshot at Charles." " Go ahead, ma'am, shoot." "Well, it seems to me, any middle-aged bachelor... who has never desired the basic rewards of wife and family... and finds it necessary to occupy the major portion of his life... making one conquest after another... is trying to prove something that he can never possibly prove." " And what's that?" " That he's a man." " What?" " Oh, you're joking!" "It's somewhat complicated, but basically sound." " Well, Charles?" " Not very original." "That particular theory has become rather a tired Freudian cliche." " But true." " I've never been on the couch." "Not true." "That's part of your problem." "How refreshing to find royalty possessed of such a perceptive wit." "Well, Charles, you going to take that lying down?" "Yes, as a matter of fact." "Ma'am, my leg is hurting rather badly." "May I be excused?" " Well, I'll be damned." " I can't believe it." " The leg?" " I haven't the faintest idea." "Well, that just goes to prove there's a first time for everything." "Got a terrific laugh anyway." "Simone!" "Jacques, I'm still cold." "Perhaps another blanket, my darling." "Yes, all right, darling." "There you are, my darling." " Yes, darling?" " The light." " What?" " I'm sorry, darling." "It doesn't help." "Perhaps a hot glass of milk." "But I think the room service has finished, my love." "Oh, yes, of course." "I forgot." "You see?" "They're all gone now." "Oh, well." "No matter." "Well, you see... if my little pigeon wants a glass of milk... she shall have one... even if I have to force them to open the kitchen." "She shall have milk wherever she goes, hot or cold." " Hot." " Yeah, I know." "That's what I said." "Open the door." "Darling, I need to talk to you." "My darling, I've sent Jacques for some milk." "I only have a moment." " Well, let's make the most of it." " No!" "Stop it." " It was your idea." " Yes, but you're the wrong..." "The wrong what?" "Man?" "You think I was..." "No." "I thought you were exactly who you are, but I'm too impulsive." "I mean, this is not the right way." " Another time?" " Huh?" " Here you are, my beloved." " Thank you." "It's all they had." "Can't get a thing in this hotel." "I had to force them to give me that." "Never mind." "My darling, lovely darling." "What's wrong?" "My darling, your feet are like two icicles." "Have you been out of bed or something?" "No, of course not." "Oh, well, anyway, you warm them on me, eh?" "This is Princess Dala." "My guests have gone... and I thought perhaps you'd come back and have a drink." "I would feel better if we're friends." "Oh, I would too, and I'd love to come, but my leg is rather painful." "I'm sorry." "Another time." "Why don't you come up here?" "Because my leg is only bad if I walk too much... and I thought maybe you could do the walking and I could do the drinking." "Unless, of course, you think it would be indiscreet to come to a man's room." "I'll be there in five minutes." "Good-bye, Sir Charles." "Good-bye." "Oh, I don't know what's wrong." "I'm just a bundle of nerves." "Well, don't worry." "We've solved that problem before." " You don't mean..." " Of course." " Oh, Jacques, I don't think you should." " Don't worry, my darling." " I shall do it ever so softly." " Oh, Jacques, are you sure?" "My darling, of course." "It's always worked before." "There's no reason why it should not work now." "You just relax and leave everything to me." " Yes, my darling?" " I don't think that's such a good idea." "You mean that it's not helping?" "I'm afraid not." "I think I'll just take a sleeping pill." "Very well, my darling." "I'll get it for you." "And why don't you take one yourself?" "I..." "You need the rest, you know?" "Yes, I think perhaps I will, dear." "Here, my darling." " Thank you, my angel." " Thank you, my angel." "My poor Jacques." "No matter." "When you've seen one Stradivarius, you've seen them all." "I hadn't realized it was so late." "Come in, sit down, relax." "Have a nice glass of champagne." " I told you I don't drink." " Oh, champagne's not drinking." "That's the minimum of alcohol and the maximum of companionship." "It's still against my principles." "Oh, that's too bad." "I thought it might break the ice." " You took me to task rather properly." " No, thank you." "I thought your analysis was very perceptive." " But not very polite." " No, it wasn't." " What made you do it?" " I resented you." "I find it hard to understand a man of your reputation." "You know, we both have reputations." "Perhaps mine is a little more highly publicized than yours... but you have presented the press with a rather definite image." "Yes, I know." " Well, are you?" " What?" "What they call you." "The virgin queen." "I'm not the queen." "That's only half an answer." "The strong-willed ruler of ten million people, sitting in her ivory tower... untouched, unwed and unapproachable." "If you had known my father, you would understand me." "He was an absolute ruler." "He governed his people with an iron hand... but he gave me a white pony for my fifth birthday." "He was wrong about many things... but he made his decisions according to the ways of his predecessors." "I learned the way of the West, so I've become a little of both... a paradox... and it is hard to reconcile the extremes." "Have a glass of champagne." "Does wonders for extremes." "It's been known to launch some lasting friendships." " Don't you trust me?" " No." " Are you afraid?" " No." "I was three years old when I rode my first elephant." "I was six when I went on my first "safrari"..." ""frasari"... wild animal hunt... and I was ten when I bagged my first tiger." "But I'll never forget my lovely little pony." "When did you bag him?" "Oh, you're making fun again." "You really don't like animals." "Don't trust a man who doesn't care about animals... and don't trust an animal... who doesn't care about people." "Why you don't like people?" "I like people." "That's supposed to be me who doesn't... like people, right?" "If you say so." "I don't say so." "You say so." " Right?" " I said so." "And another thing you did, you didn't tell me the truth." " About what?" " About champagne." "About this." "Oh, boy, did you fib." "You said something about extremes." "It does wonders for them." "It does more than that." "It makes your lips numb." "I can't feel them." "Are they still there?" "Let's have a look." "You didn't tell me about that part." "Won't do you any good." "I can't feel it." "Hoisted on your own petard." "Oh, don't try to say that when you haven't got any lips." "I'm plastered." " If that's the right expression." " Yes, that's the right expression." "You're a fraud and a liar... and you think you are going to take advantage of me." "Oh, no." "You think I am." "I know you are." "That's the plan, isn't it?" "Feed me champagne... break down the inhibitions... and tallyho." "No more virgin queen." "Oh, we're all out of champagne." " I'll get another bottle." " Oh, no!" "I prefer to remain conscious... so I may view the attempted seduction at firsthand... because you've got a surprise coming, Charlie." "I got friends in low places." "You make one pass at me, and I'll sic him on you." "Understand?" "If he moves a muscle, attack without mercy." "You see, Charlie?" "You're outnumbered, two against one... and I don't care if you can juggle." " What?" " I didn't say anything." "Hmm?" "Cat got your tongue?" "Got his tongue?" "Mm-mm." "My friend says he hasn't got it." " Then, why don't you say something?" " I couldn't think of anything to say." "Why don't you kiss me again?" "All right." "You know what, Charlie?" "I could feel that one." "Again." "If I were my father, I'd have you tortured." "No." "If you were your father..." "I doubt very much if I would have kissed you." "Good thinking, Charlie." "Then, now that we've straightened out who I am... what are you going to do about it?" "What kind of a friend are you?" "You were supposed to attack." "No friends, Charlie." "Now you got me outnumbered." "I thought we were friends." "You are the juggler." "I am the virgin queen." "Somebody's got to win." "Friends don't act like that." "Want to be friends, Charlie, or want to win?" "You really want to know?" "What's wrong?" "I don't feel..." "I think I'm going..." "Good-bye, Charlie." "Here, um..." "Darling." "Dala." "Ma'am?" "Your Highness!" "Oh, thank you." "Up." "There we are." "Hello, Uncle Charles." "George!" "Hello." "Good morning." "Listen, what about this nephew?" " How did you find out?" " I met him in the bar last night." "That's what I was trying to explain to you at the window." " What happened to you?" " Jacques dragged me back to the hotel." " I looked everywhere for you." " Well, I looked everywhere for you." "In fact, I nearly climbed in bed with your nephew." " You what?" " Don't worry." "I took care of it." "Well, he had kind of a heavy night." "I almost put the princess in bed with him." " Really?" " What you got there?" "A note to Uncle Charles." ""Dear Uncle Charles, Don't worry about a thing." "I've gone to see the princess to apologize for last night."" "Apologize for what?" "Nothing happened." "It must have been rather embarrassing, expecting to end up with one man..." "She didn't expect to wind up with anybody." "She just had a couple glasses of champagne and had to rest a while." " Of course." " Think of him taking over my room." " Well, didn't you know he was coming?" " No." "I haven't seen him for years." "But who is he?" "What is he?" "Well, he is my nephew, really." "He's my late brother's son... and I've been responsible for him ever since he was ten years old." "I sent him to all the best schools in America." "He did very well, as a matter of fact." "He's just graduated from college." "Look." "Isn't he a bit old for school?" "Well, he did two years in the army." "Then he lost another whole year after that to some strange tropical disease." "Anyway, he's certainly attractive." "There's a slight family resemblance." "Otherwise, we have nothing in common." "He's dedicated to education." "He passed at the top of his class." "Cares nothing about sports, and he's never once mentioned girls." "Well, he may not mention them, but he's got a pretty good idea what they are." "In fact, I nearly didn't get out of here last night." "You're joking." "It was a relief to get back to Jacques and his fiddle." "Still, if we don't do something soon, he's gonna ruin everything." " You mean if I don't do something." " It shouldn't be too difficult." "He's just a young man who's not been out in the world." "That's because he's been spending all his time in the bedroom." " I'm surprised at you." " Oh, I can handle it." "As a matter of fact, it might be rather intriguing... particularly if the family resemblance goes deeper than you think." "I'm envious." "Well, it seems that we're somewhat in the same spot, my love." "You envy George, and I envy the princess." "I really don't know what I'm going to do yet." "I might even go back to college and get my doctorate." "But I'm torn." "I feel there's so many things to be done in the world... so many backward countries where I might be useful." "I've even been considering the Peace Corps." "You're certainly not much like your uncle." "Well, I don't know too much about my uncle... except what I've read in the newspapers and magazines." " One certainly mustn't judge by that." " No?" "After all, whatever I am today, he made it possible." "I guess everyone has at least one redeeming quality." "Yes." "Good morning, Your Highness." "Hair of the dog." " May I present Madame Clouseau." " Good morning." " This is my Americanized nephew George." " Yes." "We met at the bar last night." " How is your cough?" " Oh, it's completely gone." "Thank you." "You should have a glass of this." "It'll put everything in its right perspective." "My perspective is excellent this morning." "I see your leg is much better." "Oh, it's a vast improvement, ma'am." "Thank you." "Very much better." "We had a wonderful family reunion last night after we carried you home." " He's quite a lad." " So I've discovered." "He's considering the Peace Corps." "Imagine a Lytton in the Peace Corps." "Be careful, or you'll be giving your family a good name." " Please sit down." " No, thank you." "I was on my way to ski when I ran into Sir Charles." " Do you ski, Mr. Lytton?" " Ski?" " No, not very well." " You should learn, George." "If it wasn't for this ropy leg of mine, I'd take you in hand myself." "I'm hardly in your uncle's class, but I'd be happy to teach you." "I'm sure Madame is an excellent teacher." "She could surely get you started right." "Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, yeah." "Not at all." "It would be a pleasure." "Perhaps you'd like to come along now." "George, you can't pass up an invitation like that." "I haven't got the proper clothes, and I don't have any skis." "Well, the shop will fix you up." "Just charge everything to me." "Thanks." "Your Highness, hope to see you again." "If you're back early." "I'm leaving on the afternoon train." " Have a nice trip." " Thank you." " Thanks, Uncle Charles." " Have fun." " Good-bye." " Good-bye." " Mind her." "She knows what she's doing." " I'm sure she does." " You're not staying?" " No." "We're off to the slopes." "I'll get the door." "So long, Uncle Charles." " Have fun." " Thanks." "Just in time." "Thank you." "You sure you won't join me?" "Quite sure." " Do you have to leave this afternoon?" " Yes." "Isn't this departure rather sudden?" "Not at all." "Why do you think so?" "Well, I just thought that after last night..." "My leaving has nothing to do with last night." " Hasn't it?" " You don't know me very well." "No, but I thought last night I was making some progress." "That was champagne, nothing more." "Well, whatever it was, it was very interesting." " I really don't remember." " That's such an awful old cliche." " It's true." " You know, the majority of women... they have half a glass too much and let down the barriers a little... then they wake up in the morning riddled with guilt... and think they can reclaim their virtue by saying, "I don't remember."" "Are you saying my virtue is not intact?" " You know it is." " Then why should I feel guilty?" "You're not concerned about what happened." "You're worried about what might have happened." "That makes you vulnerable." "That makes you a woman." "You're an arrogant fool." "Perhaps." "But after what I just said, a real woman would've slapped my face." "Whew, I'm glad that's over." "Friends again?" "Friends." "Good." "Now the least you can do is let me take you to the station." " All right." " You really have to go, though?" " Yes, I must go." " Oh, that's too bad." " Nothing I can say to make you stay?" " Nothing." " What time do you have to be there?" " 3:00." "3:00 on the dot, I'll be here, Your Highness." "3:00." "Look, do we have to start the lessons right away?" "That's what we're up here for, is it not?" "I was hoping we could talk about last night." " We can talk about that later." " You were more fun in bed." " Would you do me a favor, Mr. Lytton?" " Sure, if you call me George." "Forget about last night." "I was impetuous." "I had too much to drink, and I'd just had a fight with my husband." "It might be easy for you to forget, but I didn't sleep a wink after you left." "It was a very frustrating experience." "I'm afraid that's your problem, but I wouldn't make any plans." "Oh, I never make any plans." "I just sort of follow my instincts, you know?" "George, it's four miles down the mountain... and I'm a very good skier." "You follow your instincts too closely, and you're liable to break your neck." "Now, the first things to learn about skiing are the fundamentals." "Let's see you turn around." "It's not as easy as it looks." "Let me give you a hand." "Ah, let's try something easier." "It's a lot easier, honest." " I told you to watch those instincts." " I'm busy." "You watch them." " You're abominable." " Yeah, that's me." " The Abominable Snowman." " Now, George, stop it!" "Imbecile!" "Perhaps we'll meet again." " Good-bye, Sir Charles." " Just a minute." " That's him." "There he goes." " Who?" "The man who stole your dog, in that little car." "Whoa!" " How's it going?" " Fine." "I'm going to miss her." "Let that be a lesson to you." "Never get too involved with your victims." " Shall we get out in the open?" " No." "It's a bit hard here." "Come on." "That's good." "That's okay." "Right, start." "Give it to me now." " How close are they?" " Now." " Sorry." "Ready?" " Right." "Come on, little doggy." "Here we are." "Look out!" "She's got the dog." "I will see you later." " You have a wonderful smile." " I have a great deal to smile about." "I have Amber back, and I'm having a wonderful time." "You missed your train." "There's one at midnight and one in the morning." "Perhaps I should arrange to have your dog kidnapped again." "Then you'd be bound to stay." "Did you arrange to have her kidnapped the first time?" "Of course." "Well, I am willing to bet you 10,000 francs... that the Phantom is in Cortina at this very moment... even perhaps in this very room." "How exciting." "What do you think, Mr. Tucker?" "Oh, I agree with the inspector." "You see, 10 of his last 15 victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties." "What are you all talking about?" " The notorious Phantom." " I'm afraid I've never heard of him." "What little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow." "Believe me, there are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom." "Each theft is completely different and unique... classic in its conception." "But I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself." "Only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned." "However, there is one other duplication... but that is his trademark, his calling card, so to speak." "He always leaves a white monogrammed glove." "Sounds terribly theatrical." "Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already." "Really?" "And who would that be?" "Well, who has the most fabulous diamond in the world?" " I suppose I do." " Exactly." "The Pink Panther." "Such a prize he could never resist." "He would be bound to try for it." "I'm afraid he'd be disappointed." "The Pink Panther is in my safe at..." "Your Highness, please." "Don't say it, not here." "If I'm not being too nosy, Your Highness..." "I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther." "It belongs to me." "It was a gift from my late father." " I shall never surrender it." " Why should you?" "When the present government seized power... they claimed the diamond was the property of the people." "There's even some talk of the International Court deciding the issue." "Why don't I steal the diamond and leave that old glove behind?" " You and I could split the insurance." " All right." " I feel like dancing." "Your Highness?" " I'd love to." " How about you, madame?" " Yes, of course." " Your leg is better, Sir Charles." " What?" " I say, your leg is better." " Oh, yes, much better." "Thank you." "You know, Mr. Tucker..." " It's my beer, old man." " My hand." "It burnt..." "I'm sorry." "Sit down." "Seems to be working out better than we expected." "The only thing we've found out is that it's not here." "You shouldn't have any trouble discovering exactly where it is." "Her Highness seems to be completely captivated." "I'd say that's a considerable exaggeration." "You're either showing a touch of senility or you need glasses, my love." "When I'm showing my senility, darling... you'll be occupying your time with your grandchildren." "One has to have children before one has grandchildren." "You wouldn't dare." "Jacques would make a wonderful father." "He has many redeeming qualities." "Name one." "He's kind, loyal, faithful, obedient." "You're either married to a Boy Scout or a Dachshund." " And he adores me." " That eliminates the Boy Scouts." " Good night." " Thank you." " You seem to have lost something." " Yes." " How'd you like to borrow mine?" " Thanks, Uncle Charles, yes." "Madame." " You've been avoiding me." " That about describes it." " You know what I've been thinking?" " Yes, that's why I've been avoiding you." "I don't think you were really looking for me that night in my uncle's bedroom." " Don't be ridiculous." " No, I mean it." "Not the way you treated me today." " You know what I think?" " What?" "Well..." "Oh, yeah." "What do you think, George?" "Well, I think maybe I was wrong." "I'm sorry I have to leave, but I must make a very important phone call." " Can't it wait?" " I'm afraid not." "Good night." "That's better." "Just a quick shower, my love, and I will be right with you." "One moment, please." "Hello..." "Inspector Clouseau." "Inspector Clouseau, this is the prefect of police." " I have information about the Phantom." " The Phantom?" "Yes, you must come at once." "I'm in Brunico." "Brunico, but that's in Brunico." "I mean, that's 30 miles from here." "It is here that I have discovered the information." "It is imperative you come immediately." "I cannot say more." "I am being watched." "Yes." "I understand, yes." "I'm sorry, my darling." "Important police business." "I will be back with you as soon as possible." "I understand, my love." " My darling." " Yes?" "I am a husband that must be envied by all other husbands." "I'm sure no one ever had a husband like you." "My darling." "My darling, don't move." "Don't panic." "All that has happened is that my hat has caught... in one of your naughty little hairpins." "Voila." "You know, at times like this..." "I wish I was but a simple peasant." "It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am." "He's gone to Brunico." "Another call about the Phantom." "Well, there's something going on." "I don't quite know what it is, but there's something wrong." "Do you want to call it off?" "I don't know." "I'm considering it." " Have you considered something else?" " What's that?" "The possibility that you're growing a conscience." " A conscience?" "About what?" " The princess." " You're being ridiculous." " No, I'm just being a woman." "This time, you've chosen yourself a fascinating victim." "I suspect you've broken the first rule and allowed yourself to become involved." "You're being a woman, all right." "That's obvious." "Competition always makes a woman obvious." " Who is it?" " Bellboy." "Wait a minute." " What is it?" " Flowers." " George!" " Trick or treat." " Now, wait a minute." " I found these growing in the hall." " You get right out of here." " What kind of hospitality is that?" "But, listen, my husband could be back any minute." "He must be about halfway to Brunico by now." ""You must come to Brunico immediately, Inspector." "I have information about the Phantom." "And while you're in Brunico, waiting for the prefect of police..."" "Thank you very much." ""I shall be investigating your wife."" "One never knows, huh?" "Perhaps the Phantom is hiding under the bed?" "That's more like it." " You should be ashamed of yourself." " I'm planning on it." " Suppose Jacques doesn't go to Brunico?" " Not a chance." "Suppose he finds out the prefect never really called him?" " Stop this." "You must get out of here." " You are the damnedest woman I ever met." "What are you?" "A sexual yo-yo?" "First you jump in my bed." "Then you push me off a mountain." "Then you almost seduce me on the dance floor." "You're terribly attractive, and I'm naturally..." " But not here." " Where?" "I don't know, but not tonight." "You know what your trouble is?" "You just can't make up your mind." " I am married." " Where's your husband?" "Out in 12 feet of snow, chasing the Phantom." " That was your idea." " Sure it was." "But if he was any kind of a man, he wouldn't have gone." " Darling." " Darling?" "It's locked." "There you are." "Halfway to Brunico, huh?" "Angel?" " What do I do?" " Answer the door." " Simone?" " Yes, dear?" " But, Jacques, I thought you were on..." " That phone call was a ruse." "Oh, dear!" "Are you hurt, my darling?" "I don't recall that being there." "No, it was sent a while ago." "I thought it was from you." "No, it certainly was not from me." "Some very strange things going on here." "I passed the prefect on the road." " He never made that call." " No?" "There was no card with these?" "Why should anybody want me to go to Brunico?" "Oh, my darling." "I'm so sorry." " I was trying to kiss your foot." " It's all right." " Let me kiss your face." " It's all right." "Darling, I'm sorry." "Come here." "That's nice and comfy." "You belong in bed there." " My darling." " Listen, dear." "Why don't we go down to the bar and have a nightcap?" "Darling, listen, why don't I have a nice bath?" "And afterwards, we have our lovely, warm bed." "Don't worry about this mess." "We can have it cleaned up later." " We don't want any more interruptions." " Would you mind if I bathed first?" "Did you not bathe earlier?" "Yes, I did, but it would warm me up and help me to relax." "All right, my darling." "I'll tell you what we'll do." "Like we did in the old days, when you're in there..." "I will come in and scrub your back for you." "You're so romantic, but I'll only be a moment." " Darling?" " Yes?" " Hello, my darling." " Hello, my darling." " Why did you draw the curtains?" " Just to keep me warm." "Warm?" "Warm is one thing." "It must be hell in there." "No, it's wonderful." "Why don't you let me wash your back for you?" "It's already done, darling." "As I told you before, I just want to relax." "We must have no secrets from one another, my darling." "I know, my darling." "I will brush my teeth and keep you company." "That's sweet of you, my darling." "Hello?" "I thought you would like to know Princess Dala has just checked out." "Thank you very much." "Darling, you got rid of all those naughty little bubbles?" " I beg your pardon?" " You got rid of those little bubbles?" "Yes, I did." "Hey, come..." "Come out quick." " Who is it?" " Bellboy." "One minute." "Yes?" " Inspector's violin, ma'am." " Thank you." " Madame, the flowers." " It's nothing." "It doesn't matter." "If they found out downstairs, I'd lose my job." " Do it in the morning." " I'll ring for the maid." " Darling?" " Yes, dear?" " How would you like to wash my back?" " I'd love to, but you see..." "I have to..." "I mean..." "Well, I'm cold." "Get the broom." "Come on." "Hurry up." "Go." "Shan't be a moment, my darling." "I'll just put on my pajamas." "Darling, look." "I think I've got something in my right eye." " Let me put you in the..." " I mean, my left one." "No, this one." " If you'd come in the light..." " It hurts!" " Stand still." "I can't see it." " It hurts." "I cannot open it." " Stand in the light a moment." "Where?" " Here." " There's absolutely nothing in your eye." " Nothing?" "Are you sure?" "Only your eye." "That is all that is there." " What are you doing?" " It broke off." "Put it back." "We have no time." "He's coming back." "Get under the bed." "Come on." "Quick." "Come on." " Why aren't you in bed, my darling?" " I was..." "I mean..." "I mean, I'm just going to." "I'm cold." " My Stradivarius." " The porter just brought it in." "I sent it to the village to be repaired." "I hope they know how to fix plastic." "I hope so too." "So far, so good." "We shall see." "Better than ever." "Dear, I doubt if we shall need it tonight, my love." "I'm sure we won't, darling." "What?" "It's very strange." "Why don't you come to bed?" "You know, I don't understand this." "You see... these footprints... they were made by shoes... and they were not made by feet." "I'll just get up and turn off the lights." "At last." "At last." "Darling, my little..." "Darling, what's the matter, my darling?" "It's very strange, my love, but suddenly I'm freezing cold." " You're freezing cold?" " The window is open." "The window's open." "Sometimes it's healthy to have fresh air." "Healthy is one thing, but it's hell in here, my love." "Ten below zero outside, my darling." "That's better." " There, my darling." " Yes?" "At last!" " Yes?" " I just arrived in town." "No trouble with the police yet." "I understand the princess is expecting important visitors here tomorrow." " She say anything about leaving?" " Who is this?" " Yes?" " Princess Dala, please." "Her Highness checked out a short while ago." "Uncle Charles." "What did you say?" "I said he could come as one of the Borgias." "Then he wouldn't have to explain his cousin." "What's a Borgia?" "Good evening." "I mean..." "I enjoy champagne in bed as much as the next man, my angel." "But from now on, perhaps a more practical approach?" "I'm sorry, my darling." "I just wanted to surprise you." "That's all." " It's been a night of surprises." " You can say that again." "It's been..." "Anyway, anyway..." " My love?" " Yes?" "Shall I say you're not here?" "No, it's all right, darling." "I'll answer it." " Yes!" " Oh, Tucker here, Inspector." "The man who kidnapped the dog was driving a rented car." "He's been identified as a man named Artoff." "Now, London informs us that a man of his description... is at present employed by Sir Charles Lytton." "I see." "Come up immediately." " Sir Charles!" " Sir Charles?" "He's the Phantom!" "I've really got him this time." "Sir Charles?" "Open that door." "I know you're in there, Sir Charles." "Open up." "This is the police." " Stand back while I fire." " No, don't do that, old man." "Jacques knows." "And somebody else." "George has got my do-it-yourself Phantom kit." "I've got to get out of here." " Well, his clothes are still here." " Perhaps he's already escaped." "Most unlikely." "He doesn't realize that I am onto him." "Now, listen, old man." "After all, we've no proof that Artoff was the man driving the Innocente." "Sir Charles is our man." "My every instinct tells me so." "Careful, you fool." "You realize this gun is loaded?" "What I must do now is get dressed and search the rest of the hotel." " Did you find him?" " No, but he can't be far." "I must dress quickly and get..." " It's gone." " What's gone?" "My coat!" "My Surete-Scotland-Yard-type macintosh!" "It's gone!" "Good evening, Inspector." " What is it, Saloud?" " Inspector Clouseau." "Your Highness, please excuse this interruption." "I have news of great importance." "This is Mr. Tucker of Lloyds of London." " And we have met before." " I've met her, too, you know." "Yes, I know, but we are meeting her again now." "What is this news?" "Your Highness, I have discovered the identity of the Phantom." " You don't say." " I do say." " Of course, we're not positive." " I am positive." "He is, I believe, at this very moment here in Rome." " Really?" " Yes." "Have you seen or heard from Sir Charles Lytton?" "Not since I left Cortina." "Why?" "Sir Charles and the Phantom are one and the same." " You're not serious." " I am serious." "I can understand how difficult it is for Your Highness to accept the facts." "Sir Charles is a very persuasive and attractive man." "He is also Sir Charles Lytton, a man of considerable influence and reputation." "She's got quite a point there, you know." "He is a fraud, and I shall prove it." "Meanwhile, I would like your permission to surround the house with armed guards." " I take it the gem is in the villa." " It is." "But as you gentlemen know, I'm having a rather large party this evening." "I assure you, your guests will be caused no embarrassment whatsoever." "They will not even be aware that my men are present in their disguises." "In that case, you have my permission." "Thank you." "Your Highness, mark my words... if Sir Charles is foolish enough to attempt to steal your diamond tonight... you will be witness to the capture of the notorious Phantom." "Gentlemen." " The plans will have to be changed." " No." "We just have to make sure that Sir Charles doesn't steal the jewel." " Hello." " Hello, Tucker." " Like a drink?" " No, thank you." "I never drink whilst I'm on duty." "You should know that." "Never, never." " Oh, well, cheers." " Cheers." " Warm." " Yes, it must be hell in there." "Bet it's not so good in there." " Anything suspicious?" " No, nothing to worry about." "My men are everywhere, mingling here, mingling there." "Watching all the time, watching." "How dare you drink whilst on duty!" "Who is inside there?" " Sergeant Walter!" " Sergeant Quinn." "Any more behavior like this, and I'll have your stripes." "Now get out of here and start mingling again." "That's funny." "That zebra and the stripes?" " Yes, very good, very good." " Not bad, not bad." "Well, I think I'll mingle." "Right." "Didn't I tell you that I'd make this the biggest social success of the year?" "Certainly you did." "The only thing that worries me is, of course, what do we do for your next one?" " How can I possibly top this?" " I'm sure you'll think of something." " Excuse me." " Of course, love." "Have a ball!" "Hello, you!" "May I see your invitation, please?" "All right." "Wasn't there another gorilla in a Rolls-Royce?" "Yes, probably a rich uncle." "You see, gentlemen?" "Perfectly safe." "One cannot be too careful." "This party..." "All your guests wearing masks." "It was just possible that the Phantom had already done his work." "Without an invitation, how could Sir Charles get past your guards?" "Where the Phantom is concerned, Your Highness..." "What's wrong?" " What are you doing?" " The question is, what are you doing?" " I protest!" " Remove your head at once!" "Tucker, remove his head." " Oh, good grief." "It's our ambassador." " Ambassador?" "My apologies, Lord Cravenwood." "The inspector was only acting with the best of motives." "Your Highness." "Oh, really, Lord Cravenwood, what would your wife think?" " What's he got that I haven't got?" " George!" " In the flesh." " What are you doing here?" " Tarzan let me use the car tonight." " Listen, I've got to talk to you." "You've got to get out of here..." "Oh, darling." "Lord Cravenwood, I'm so terribly sorry about what happened." "You see, I was discussing important things with Her Highness... and when I discovered you outside the library door, naturally, I thought..." " The ambassador." " Yes, I know." "You know, darling, you haven't danced with me all evening, my angel." " Oh, I'm sorry, my darling." " That's all for now." "Pardon me!" "I'm lost." "I must have gotten off the main road." "I'm on my way to Frascati." "You'll have to go down the road about a half mile." "You'll see a sign." "Turn right." "It'll take you right to the highway." "Excuse me, dear, but I've got to talk to Lord Cravenwood." "It's very important." "That's okay." "He's making me itch anyway." "Fine." "Now, listen to me." "I know what you're up to, and it won't work." " You'll ruin everything." " Excuse me, Your Excellency." "May I cut in?" "Thank you so much, sir." " Are you having a good time?" " Yes." " Extremely good time." " Good." "Fine party, Angela darling." "Wait till you see the fireworks at midnight." "Hello, old boy." "May I have this dance?" "I never learned to dance." "I've simply got natural rhythm, you know." "You're quite right." "By Jove, that looked..." "It is!" "It's Sir Charles!" "Tucker!" " Inspector!" " Tucker!" "Inspector!" "Take your filthy hands off my asp." " Charles?" " Where's the safe?" "In the library." "George is robbing it." " Which way?" " Come on." " But it's not midnight yet." " They turned the lights out." "Her Highness must have changed her mind." "All right." "Be careful." "I can't see a thing." "Tucker?" "Where are you?" "Watch where you're going!" "It's hell in here." "A candle!" " Hey, quick, got a match?" " Oh, yes, sir." "Quick, quick." "What kind of a candle is this?" "In there." "George is in the gorilla suit." " Gorilla?" " Good luck." "Rule, Britannia" "Britannia, rule the waves" "Britons never, never, never shall be slaves" "Oh, rule, Britannia" "Britannia, rule the waves" "Oh, I say!" "Inspector!" "Inspector!" "Oh, Inspector, Sir Charles is here." " George?" " Uncle Charles?" " Have you got it?" " No, haven't you?" "No, the safe's empty." "What's that?" "Someone's being highly dishonest." "Follow me, men." "You idiots!" "They're getting away from us!" "Help me to my feet, someone." "Mr. Tucker!" "Mr. Tucker!" "After them!" "Come on, Tucker!" "Come back!" "It's me!" "Come on now!" "Faster!" "Faster!" "Hurry!" "What's the matter with you?" "Can't you drive this thing faster?" "Tucker, you're wrong." "Come on!" "Quick!" "I tell you, this is the road they've gone up." "Don't argue with me!" "I'm telling you, I know where they've gone." "Now, George, any idea how we get out of here?" "I don't know." "I've been all over this place." "I've been up this street, up that one, that one." "How we gonna get out of here?" "Why don't you try the high road?" "I'll take the high road." "You take the low road." " So long, Uncle Charles." " Ciao, George." "Who taught you to drive this thing?" " I see them!" "That's them!" " No, it isn't!" "Then when I was thrown out of college, I made up my mind." "I decided to live a little." "I knew if I continued my academic endeavors..." "I could depend upon that check of yours every month." "You know what I did?" "I took a plush Hollywood apartment." "Surrounded myself with all of the advantages of a wealthy bachelor." "Then I sent you glowing reports of a brilliant academic career." "I suppose a certain amount of dishonesty... is bound to beget a certain amount of dishonesty." " Hey." " But, Inspector..." "Come on, please." "I have not much time." "Better be right this time." " Good morning, gentlemen." " Good morning, Inspector." " Good morning, Inspector." " Everything all sharp and shiny?" "Just thought you'd like to know the trial is all set for tomorrow morning." " Shouldn't take too long." " Well, that sounds encouraging." "Yes, it's encouraging for me, but bad for you." "Have some coffee, Inspector." "You could save yourself a lot of trouble if you would tell me where the jewel is." "Pack in some of that porridge." "It's guaranteed good for sleuthing." " You refuse to cooperate?" " We've offered coffee and porridge." " It's all that's left." " I'm glad you're enjoying yourselves." "Because you're going to be here for the next 20 years..." "Madame Clouseau." " Your Highness." " Madame." "Won't you sit down?" "I'll be brief and to the point." "My husband feels he has enough evidence... to prove that Sir Charles is the Phantom... and to convict George as his accomplish." "As I see it, they only have one chance." "What is that?" "If Your Highness were to testify on their behalf..." "Somehow convince the jury that they didn't even take the diamond." " You surprise me, madame." " I expect to." "I'm taking the chance you will keep what I'm about to tell you in confidence." " I think I can guess." " It's not too difficult." "Being the wife of Inspector Clouseau... you could have been very helpful to Charles." "I have been." "Was stealing my dog all part of the plan?" "That was the plan." "But I think you should know that Charles wanted to call it off." "You've had it all the time." "You stole the jewel yourself before the International Court made its decision." "I'd gladly sacrifice it to save Charles, but it's not so simple." "Couldn't you say you found it on the grounds or something?" "They'd just claim he dropped it making his escape." "No, to save Charles, we must prove that someone else stole it." "But we'd never be able to do that." "I have an idea." "The trial is in its third day." "Seldom in the history of Italian jurisprudence... has a trial created such intense excitement." "Thousands of people..." "It is interesting to note, most of them women... have gathered daily hoping to catch a glimpse of Sir Charles Lytton... the man accused of being the notorious Phantom." "The court adjourned yesterday as the defense requested time... to investigate certain new important evidence... and it is rumored that when the court convenes today... the defense will call a surprise witness." "The defense has only one witness, Mr. President." "Would you please call Inspector Jacques Clouseau to the stand?" "Me, a defense witness?" "Inspector Clouseau?" "Nothing to worry about, my darling." "You'll make fools out of them." "Inspector Clouseau, you have testified under oath... to certain pertinent facts concerning this case." "Your testimony and your testimony alone... has been the major factor in casting suspicion on the defendant." "Aside from the Phantom himself, you are the foremost authority on the Phantom." "I have made the Phantom my life's work." "You've testified that the Phantom has been a frequent guest... at the numerous parties given by Miss Angela Dunning." "That is correct." "Yes." "You've testified it was either during or sometime soon afterwards... that certain of Miss Dunning's guests were robbed of their jewels." "Yes." " How many times did this happen?" " Sixteen." " Sixteen parties, 16 thefts?" " Yes." " And Sir Charles attended all 16?" " All of them." "And how many of those parties did you attend, Inspector?" " All of them." " Oh, that's very interesting." "You attended the first party when the jewels were stolen?" "Yes." "The jewels were stolen during or after the party?" "After." " You knew they were going to be stolen?" " Well, yes." " How did you know?" " That is the Phantom's modus operandi." "He always works that way." "Oh, I see." "Were the same people always present at each party?" "No, the guest lists varied." "Outside of Sir Charles, was anybody else always present at each of these parties?" "Only Sir Charles was present at each party when there was a robbery?" " Yes, yes." " I see." " And what about you?" " Me?" " Yes, you." " What about me?" " Well, you were there." " Yes." "Then Sir Charles was not the only one who was present at each party." " What are you suggesting?" " I'm not suggesting anything yet." "Inspector Clouseau?" "How much money do you make?" " What does this got to do with it?" " Well, your salary..." " How much does an inspector get paid?" " You know, I..." "Enough to buy a wife a $10,000 mink coat?" "No, of course not." "You're aware that your wife spent $7,000 at Yves St. Laurent only last month?" "What?" " And two months before that, $4,000." " That's impossible." "We know for a fact your wife spent at least $30,000 on clothes the past year." "Sir, my wife is very frugal." "She saves out of the housekeeping money." "$30,000 out of the housekeeping money." "We have been married for ten years." "About the time that these robberies began... and the notorious Phantom came into existence, correct?" "Yes!" "No, not correct!" "Of course, not correct." "Of course..." "All right, wait, wait." "You see..." " It's not Sir Charles!" " He must be the Phantom!" " It must be the inspector." " He's the Phantom!" " I refuse to believe..." " Now, Inspec..." "No, I'm not the Phantom!" "No, no, please!" "Please!" " Thank you, darling." " Thank the princess." " Look at that." " No, no!" "I'm not the Phantom!" "No, no, no!" "I'm not the Phantom!" "We can't just let him rot in prison." "Oh, it takes years for people to rot." "Besides, when the Phantom strikes again, the inspector will be as free as a bird." "Want to come to South America, George?" "Family rates?" " I wouldn't miss it, Uncle Charles." " That's good." "And who knows, when I retire, you might take over the business." "Go back!" "Go home!" "Crazy woman." "She's the one who tried to tear off all his clothes." " My wife." " Wife?" "You can thank my mother for the flowers." "You're a national hero." "I envy you." " I'm going to prison." " A few years, but after you get out..." "Tell me, Inspector..." "Signor Phantom... all those robberies?" "How did you ever manage it?" "Well, you know... it wasn't easy."