"You make man?" "No." "Woman." "FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER (ON TELEVISION):" "Woman?" "THEME SONG:" "Weird science, Ooh!" "Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science." "Something like a recipe, bits and pieces-- bits and pieces-- pieces-- pieces" "My creation." "Is it real?" "It's my creation." "Ooh!" "My creation." "It's my creation." "No heart of gold, just flesh and blood." "I do not know." "It's my creation." "Ooh!" "My creation." "It's my creation." "From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand?" "It's alive." "Alive!" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[LAUGHTER]" "MRS. WALLACE:" "Blow out your candles!" "All right." "Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Wallace." "I was going to put a candle on for every SAT point that you scored but they wouldn't all fit." "Well, you could always do that with Gary's cake." "GARY WALLACE:" "Dad." "I told you." "A computer glitch screwed up my test." "Uh huh." "You know, I never took the SATs myself." "Mom sure wanted me to, though." "So you'd be the first one in your family to go to college?" "No, to avoid the draft." "But I tell you, I'd rather take a bullet from a Commie than take a three hour test." "[CAR HORN]" "Hey, Wyatt." "Isn't that your parents' car?" "WYATT DONNELLY:" "Oh, yeah." "It is." "They must have found out you were having a party for me." "Hi, honey." "I can't believe you guys are here." "Neither can we." "Now, we're here on the authority of the homeowner's association." "Your Christmas decorations have got to come down." "AL WALLACE:" "My award winning Winter Wallace Land?" "Why?" "Because it's May for one thing." "The elves are peeling and Blitzen's got a family of chipmunks living in his skull." "WAYNE DONNELLY:" "There have been complaints." "It's an eyesore." "What eyesore?" "I specifically designed it to blend in with its surroundings." "Wait here." "I want to show you something." "Wyatt." "They've got a cake for you." "Did we forget his birthday again?" "WAYNE DONNELLY:" "If we did, my secretary will be looking for a new job." "Wyatt got the highest SAT scores in school." "We're having a little celebration." "MARCIA DONNELLY:" "The highest." "Well, that's wonderful." "Well, I think that calls for something special." "We're very proud of you, sweetie." "Man." "Your parents love you so much." "Well." "See that?" "First place." "Nobody complained about my decorations the day they gave this bad boy out." "Well, they are now." "It's my house." "Why can't I do what I want?" "Because it's everyone's neighborhood." "And because we're trying to keep certain standards" "My property values are plummeting, Al" "WYATT DONNELLY:" "I can't believe they'd embarrass me like that." "It's like they couldn't care less about my SAT scores or me." "I know a certain genie that might be able to help." "You know, if you ask her nice." "I wish that my family was closer." "The most tight-knit caring household in the neighborhood." "The kind that puts family above everything else." "Oh." "Family as dysfunction as yours?" "Going to take one hell of a zap." "May even have to tap into the sun." "Ha ha." "He thinks I'm kidding." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "[ZAP]" "Oh!" "[CRASH]" "[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]" "Lisa?" "Gary." "My mom." "She's in the kitchen." "Cooking." "[HUMMING]" "Oh, there's my baby boy." "Come here!" "When did you learn how to cook?" "Back in the old country." "If a young girl didn't learn how to cook, she didn't get a husband." "I see." "Mama." "I love this guy." "Yeah." "Love." "Love." "Hey, here." "$50." "Go get an education, huh, you crazy kid." "I love this guy." "Taste." "Taste." "Bang!" "[OLD ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]" "Hey." "I found Lisa." "The Donnelli family grants your request." "But someday-- and that day may never come" " I shall call upon you to do a service for me." "Oh." "Must be French." "I am in your debt, godfather." "Godfather?" "So you will deliver this message to the Pattersons." "Make them an offer they cannot refuse." "It will be done, godfather." "I wish for a close family." "I get the mafia." "What are you worried about?" "Lisa will take care of us." "Lisa doesn't know who she is anymore." "She got zapped by her own spell." "Now she's Dad's consigliere." "Kinky." "No." "No, it means she's my dad's most trusted adviser." "She'll do whatever he says." "Kinky." "Shut up." "And So the guy behind the meat counter is giving me attitude." "Till his buddies clue him in to who I am." "Then what happened?" "Next thing you know, boom, boom, boom." "I'm walking out of there with an armful of complementary skirt steaks." "[LAUGHTER]" "Wyatt, one day you will succeed me as head of the family." "In preparation for that day, you must learn the family business." "What exactly is the family business?" "Ah, this and that." "Imports, exports." "But the heart of the Donnelli empire is the homeowner's association." "Without it, our family is nothing." "But you will see this for yourself." "Tomorrow, you will accompany your brother on his neighborhood rounds." "You will learn the family ways firsthand." "There." "The Donnelli family keeps the neighborhood safe, especially the little ones." "Helping children, I like that." "Hey." "Watch this." "Children love it." "[GIGGLING]" "Funny monkey." "[CHOKING]" "Crap." "[CHOKING]" "[SPIT]" "Ew, icky monkey." "We've got a lot of money riding on this game." "So in the fourth inning, I'm going to want you to get a little case of the butterfingers, capisce?" "Oops!" "I dropped the ball." "I don't want to hear about any slow week, Susie." "You pay on time or accidents start happening." "Somebody could come along and badabing." "You got pink lemonade all over your nice white dress." "What a day." "The Donnelli brothers, taking care of business together." "Come here." "Well, I enjoyed it, too." "I just wish business didn't involve intimidation, bribery, and manly man kisses." "Mr. Donnelli." "I have not forgotten your kindness." "Please accept these suede jackets made by my own hands as a token of respect for the Donnelli family." "Tessio, Tessio." "You embarrass me with your generosity." "Wyatt, show the man your gratitude." "No." "Kiss the man." "Kiss him." "Kiss him." "Here you go." "Suit yourself, bro." "But if you ask me, spit's cheaper." "Grazie." "It will be Donnellis in my prayers tonight." "You see?" "We freaking beloved." "I defy you to find someone who doesn't love the Donnelli family." "I hate the Donnelli family." "They hide behind that homeowners association, but they're really just a bunch of crooks." "The Don's request remains firm." "Your decorations will be removed." "My award winning Winter Wallace Land is never coming down." "I don't care what Donnelli wants." "Don Donnelli." "Donnelli is the last name." "Don Donnelli." "I thought his first name was Wayne." "It is." "Don is merely a term of respect." "Well, I don't see anyone kissing Don Ho's ass." "I'm not giving in." "If that's your final word, then I must leave." "The Don is a man who likes to hear bad news right away." "Oh, hold on." "I don't want any trouble." "In fact, bring the Don by in a few hours and I'll show him my respect." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "How does this grab you, Donnelli?" "And the only thing I'm taking down is this." "Chett." "You will handle this." "[LAUGHTER]" "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "[SCREAM]" "And so young Alex here was thrilled to be in his school's chemistry cavalcade, but brokenhearted to be cast as sulfur, the stinkiest element on the periodic chart." "Ah, bambino." "[BANG]" "You pushed too far, Donnelli." "Now I'm pushing back." "Show our guests into the kitchen for cannoli." "You have my attention, Al Wallace." "I got half the neighborhood on my side." "We want you to release your grip on the homeowners association." "This, I cannot do." "Then as of this moment, we are officially at war." "CROWD:" "Yeah!" "Man, what a jerk." "Tell me about it." "Why won't he take down his stupid Christmas lights?" "I was talking about your dad, Mr. Bad Fella." "Oh, sure." "For the first time in my life, I've got a close knit loving family and your dad wants to ruin it." "My dad?" "Your dad's the one bossing everybody around?" "Well, he wouldn't have to if your dad would just play ball." "Oh." "You want a war, buddy of mine?" "You got one." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "WAYNE DONNELLY:" "So we've got to pull together and squash the Wallace rebellion." "Crush them like the squirming blue collar maggots they are." "CROWD:" "Yeah!" "Spumoni?" "Ooh." "We're tired of taking orders from the rich, elite, well-educated, and better looking." "We want people in charge like us." "Yeah!" "Corn dogs?" "Ooh!" "If Wallace pulls out a water balloon, we pull out a fire hose." "He sends one of ours to the cleaner's, we send one of theirs through the car wash, 'cause that's the Donnelli way." "Yeah!" "Now let's get out there and kick some Donnelli kiester!" "Yeah!" "[CAR HORN]" "Oh." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "[WATER SPRAYING]" "No!" "My suede jacket!" "[SHOUTING]" "Mochaccino, please." "No." "Oh, god." "Please." "Wyatt, you're my best friend." "Nothing personal." "It's just business." "Don't make it hurt." "Do it quick." "Do it quick." "I don't want to suffer." "[SHOUT]" "AL WALLACE:" "Special delivery." "[THUD]" "What is it?" "What-- what is it?" "It's a message." "Those bastards." "Time to talk to Dad." "About this war." "Everybody is suffering." "My brother, my best friend." "And I'm still scraping paint off my nipples." "It's gone too far." "The honor of the family above all." "They could hit you next, Dad." "I've already been hit." "At the country club yesterday, someone tampered with the brakes on my golf cart." "I ended up in the fourth hole water hazard." "A pair of good jay loafers destroyed." "Then stop this madness before they key your jag." "I'm glad to see such wisdom in one so young." "I will respect your wishes." "I'd like to thank all the families for gathering here today in the spirit of cooperation." "And I hope we can settle our differences here today." "You can settle my rusty butt." "[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]" "Hey!" "Guys!" "Hey, everybody!" "(SCREAMING) Shut up!" "There you go, sweetie." "What's the matter with us?" "Your family sucks." "I'm serious." "We're ready to beat each other senseless." "We've got to stop this." "Otherwise, where's it all going to end?" "Gun play?" "[MUMBLES]" "All right." "Good thinking, bro." "I guess these things are good for more than just accessorizing." "Let's play." "Don't you people know a rhetorical question when you hear one?" "Put those guns away!" "Then how are we going to solve our differences?" "The old-fashioned way." "The Donnellis versus the Wallaces in a contest of skill." "Winner takes the neighborhood." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "GARY WALLACE:" "Pressure's on, Dad." "This is the big moment for the Wallace family." "Don't worry." "Follow my lead, boy." "We'll show those chumps some Wallace magic." "[GUNSHOT]" "Oh!" "Charlie horse!" "He went down like a sack of lard." "I smell joke." "GARY WALLACE:" "Oh man, we're dead." "The hell you say." "I didn't spend six months strapping that fur flex for nothing." "Now you shut up and dig in, you big hole." "Hee ya!" "[THUD]" "Sorry about that, Ma." "Oh, you." "We got him, Ma." "He's on the ropes." "That's right, honey." "Like your father always says, no force on Earth can stop a determined Wallace." "Oh look, a ladybug." "[SHOUT]" "[THUD]" "Crush the white-collared scum." "Come on, Wy." "You're better than he is." "You're better than his whole family." "Bite his frickin' nose off." "Is it me, or is this getting ugly?" "You know, my hands are starting to hurt." "Tell me about." "I got rope splinters up to my elbows." "You thinking what I'm thinking?" "Get him." "We let go through on the count of three." "BOTH:" "One, two" "[ZAP]" "[THUD]" "Wyatt wins!" "Hurray for Wyatt!" "WYATT DONNELLY:" "No, no, no." "Wait, hold on." "I didn't meant to win." "No!" "No, don't" "CROWD:" "Donnelli, Donnelli, Donnelli." "And so I retire with a happy heart and turn the family over to Wyatt, the new Don Donnelli." "[APPLAUSE]" "My first act as Don is to apologize to the Wallace family for the injustices done to them." "Our son has betrayed the family." "Oh, I think not." "And to insure an end to all hostilities," "I would like to introduce my co-godfather, Gary Wallace." "[APPLAUSE]" "Co-godfather?" "Me?" "Congratulations, Gary." "I'm sorry everything got so crazy." "When I asked Lisa for the perfect family," "I never thought I'd end up losing my best friend." "You're not going to kiss me, are you?" "Nah." "Good." "My son, perhaps we do not say it enough." "But know that you have always made us proud." "As proud as we are, one thing troubles me." "With the homeowners association disbanded, how will the family earn a living?" "Honest work." "We'll open a Sbarro's franchise at the mall." "Excellent." "I love Italian food." "Of course, the mall has traditionally been Pizza Hut territory." "We'll put in a take out order they can't refuse." "What about the building codes?" "Taken care of." "I know a guy." "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "[THEME MUSIC" " OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE"] Weird science, fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different will make weird science." "Ooh!" "Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces-- pieces-- pieces" "My creation." "Is it real?" "It's my creation." "I do not know." "It's my creation." "From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions."