"(phone rings)" "(theme music plays)" "(silent)" "(car thuds)" "(engine revs)" "Jerry:" "This is a 1977 Volkswagen bus in sage green with a green plaid interior." "It has the Westfalia camper option, which means it has a kitchen, a bedroom, closets, sink, and pop-top roof." "It has a four-cylinder, 76-horsepower engine and four-speed gearbox." "(honks)" "Imagine yourself a married man living with your wife and five children in a two-bedroom apartment." "A person like that would appreciate more than anything else an incredibly efficient use of space." "Which is why this the perfect car for my very special guest today..." "Where is the motor?" "Is there a motor?" "Mr." "Jim Gaffigan, who lived in that very situation." "And now he's going to live with me in this situation." "(phone rings)" "(Jerry on phone):" "Hello?" "(boy):" "Hello, who's there?" "Jerry:" "Hi, who is this?" "Boy:" "Michael." "This is Jerry Seinfeld." "(Jim on phone):" "Here, Michael, let me" "Jerry, hi, how are you?" "Jerry:" "Hi, Jim, how are you?" "Good, that was one of my offspring." "I can't help you with that." "Let's go get some coffee." "(narrating):" "I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is..." "Hi, Jerry." "How are you?" "You look fresh and sweet." "I showered for this." "(Jerry laughs)" "I opened for, uh, the Pope in Philadelphia." "Uh, I know that." "I did an episode of this show with the president." "I saw it." "And you've performed for the Pope?" "Yeah." "This wasn't really the plan." "No." "Was it?" "This wasn't who we thought we were." "when we started this." "No!" "Not at all!" "Jim:" "I'm a comedian who shows up with a bag." "A lot of young comedians show up and they act like they're just gonna make things up up there." "I'm like a comedian who does his homework." "Me too." "It's called survival is what I call it." ""I just improvise." Okay, I'll see you in 25 years." "Let's see what you can improvise then." "You'll improvise, "We also have it in a loafer."" "That's what you'll be improvising." "(laughs)" "I tried to just remove things that would distract from material." "Remove" "I cannot believe how similar we are." "You're a big influence on me." "Is it Jerry?" "(laughs)" "Oh my gosh, is that it?" "That's it." "That's unbelievable." "Jerry:" "Now, you're a guy who appreciates getting a lot fit into a very small space." "Jim:" "Right, right." "We're gonna go camping in the city." "Really?" "Yeah." "Jim:" "Did you ever see that Dutch film where the serial killer does the chloroform?" "This has a little bit of that feel." "Oh, this is great." "Do you know what I'm talking about?" "Do you know what?" "I missed that Dutch film, but I've seen all the others." "Jerry:" "The view out a V.W. bus..." "Yeah." "...is the greatest view of any car." "It doesn't feel incredibly safe." "It's insane!" "Yeah." "There's no front." "There's no front." "Your knees are my bumpers." "Could you ever leave New York?" "Jim:" "I don't think so." "There's an efficiency here, though, like I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna get something and then I'm gonna leave." "When you do go other places, and you're like," ""Is this the first day for everyone"..." "(laughing) -...in a drug store apparently." "Right-- running this hotel." "I've been chatting with people all day." "I appreciate your kindness, but I just actually want the room." "Convenience is important." "Jerry:" "Yeah." "That's another amazing thing." "Yeah." "People always talk about, like, the best burger." "And I'm like, I want the closest, best burger." "I don't want to go on some adventure." "Do you feel like having children in some ways ruined pizza for you?" "Have you been to a child's birthday party where there wasn't pizza?" "No." "There's more often pizza at a birthday party than there's cake." "You sound like a politician who doesn't want to talk about any real issues." "There's often pizza..." "(laughs)" "Let me tell you-- -...more than cake!" "Jim:" "The biggest thing I had to deal with when I started was stage fright." "What made you keep going?" "The first time I did it, I remember thinking" "It's like coming up with a new line on stage." "There's just nothing better." "So it was chasing that kind of buzz, that calm, that empowerment of making strangers-- not just laugh-- but changing their mood." "Is horseback riding fun or have we just" "Not for the horse." "No, but like seriously, besides 13-year-old girls..." "Oh, seriously?" "do people like horseback riding?" "I mean, seriously?" "I know, right?" "Jerry:" "So you pull up in a car that has like 250 horsepower." "The horse is going, "Really?"" "(both laugh)" ""You can get anywhere you want" ""and you're still gonna sit on my back?"" "(both laugh)" "Jerry:" "So the space shuttle was estimated to have 20 million horsepower." "Why are we still comparing it to the horse?" "(Jim laughs)" "Is there any chance that we would go back in case the shuttle broke?" "Do you have 20 million friends?" "We want to go ahead with this." "Right?" "This guy looks like he was shot, doesn't he?" "(chuckles)" "I don't understand the idea of laying out." "Right." "I would just get a sunburn and my parents would give me a beer," "(stutters) and I'd go to bed." "That was like the..." "Really?" "..." "Midwestern, Irish Catholic way to deal with a sunburn." "Where did you even get sun, though, in Indiana?" "There's no sun there." "There actually is." "Really?" "The sun hits the Midwest." "(silent laugh)" "So people lying out, sitting there, reading, that seems relaxing." "Maybe I get it, but it just seems weird." "It's just strange." "Here's an idea for a bit." "About dry-cleaning-- when you take your dry-cleaning to a store..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "...you can take it to any dry-cleaner you want, but when you pick it up, you can only go to one." "Now that is not a joke..." "Yeah." "but that's how comedians think." "When you're going, you can go to any one." "It's also" "When you're picking up, you can only go to one." "Of course." "Do you think strip clubs are weird?" "Yeah, they're a little weird." "I mean, I'm a fan of naked women, but" "Well, it's like cooking shows." "We're not gonna get any of this food..." "Right." "but we're going to make it so great looking and then the show's over." "Does your son love cars?" "No." "He doesn't?" "No." "Is there a sense of disappointment?" "No, it's actual disappointment." "(laughs)" "How many writers did you have?" "Thirteen." "I have me and my wife." "Would you do a show with your wife?" "I really focus on my marriage." "I really want to make my wife happy." "I'll do anything..." "Are you getting this?" "to make my-- my wife happy." "Of course!" "So-- -(both laugh)" "Of course." "So to make her work for me does not seem like what she would have wanted when she met me." "Oh, there's a cop in the back." "They arrested a cop." "Yeah, he's in there." "Yeah." "That's a bad cop." "Hi, how's it going?" "I think a sense of humor is a form of intelligence." "Right?" "Um, no." "No?" "I guess my point is, I'm brilliant." "(laughs)" "Right?" "You were until you said, "right?" right afterwards." "(laughs)" "I was really ready to sign off on you being brilliant until you went, "right?"" "Right?" "When was the last time you were drunk?" "Define drunk." "Buzzed, where enough-- where your wife was like, "Jerry..."" "It was a few weeks ago on vacation..." "Yeah." "and her reaction was," "(bemused tone) "Jerry."" "She was more pleasantly surprised?" "Yeah." "Has there been anything that you turned down that you look back and you-- yeah, maybe?" "No." "What time did you wake up today?" "6:15." "Yeah." "Did you meditate?" "What do you have for breakfast?" "Grapefruit?" "I was looking forward to having breakfast with you." "Did you work out?" "Yup." "How do you work out?" "Zumba?" "Do you drink coffee right when you wake up or do you wait?" "I waited today." "What's more annoying:" "the traffic or me asking these questions?" "It's amazing how antique-y everything is." "You know what's funny about your voice?" "It's very high and very low at the same time." "Like when you said, "It's amazing,"" "it was like very high, and gay." "(laughing) Yeah." "And then... (baritone) "how antique-y everything--"" "How antique-y." "Yeah." "Now can I say it's very high and gay?" "Can I say that?" "I don't have any problem with that." "Do you ever consider how lucky the opportunity to do what you enjoy?" "That's insane." "Right?" "Um." "No." "You had a job." "Yeah." "You left." "Yeah." "Nobody else left." "So what's so-- Why are you so lucky?" "Because you had the courage to do it." "And that's just luck too?" "You're right, Jerry." "I'm" " I'm asking." "No, I think" "I find this interesting." "What about your talent?" "Was that just luck?" "What about the gift of being able to work hard?" "Is that luck?" "(horn honks)" "Right." "When do I get any credit for doing anything now?" "(both laugh)" "Jim:" "We made it." "Are we going to Coco Nails, or "2nd Ave Deli"?" "We're going to 2nd Ave Deli to get a pastrami sandwich!" "Oh, that's great." "I love it, I love it, I love it." "The smell, right?" "Yeah." "Jim:" "How you doing?" "Server:" "Good, good." "I was wondering if I could get you anything to drink, a coffee maybe or a Dr. Brown soda?" "You don't need to wonder." "Okay." "We'll just tell you." "Sure." "I would love a cup of coffee." "Yes, please, please." "For you as well?" "Perfect." "Please, thanks." "I've never had a waiter say that." "Right?" "I was wondering-- -"I was wondering..."" "Like he's just walking around the kitchen," ""I wonder if those guys want anything."" "When I moved to New York," "I told people in my hometown in Indiana" "I remember one of my friends saying" ""You live in New York." "How'd you get that?"" "Like he expected me to say, well, my dad knows the mayor." "You can just go there." "Did your parents take you to, like, the state fair?" "It wasn't-- When you were growing up on your farm..." "Was that a big deal?" "did Pa save money to get shoes for winter?" "I had a joke about birthday cake in a conference room." "How like-- it's Bill's birthday" "You're like, I hate that guy." "There's cake in the conference room." "I should probably go and say hi, see how he's doing." "Oh yeah." "(laughs) That's funny." "We both want pastrami sandwiches." "Yes, yes." "That's what we want." "Perfect." "Jerry:" "This is great." "Oh my gosh, this looks really good." "Thank you so much." "That looks amazing." "Oh my god, Jim, this is gonna be the greatest meal of our lives." "This is great." "Oh my god." "Jim:" "Oh my god, that is good." "Oh my" " Gosh!" "Jerry:" "That's-- that's good." "That's really" "That's really good." "(Jerry echoes) Right?" "(Jim echoes) This sandwich is from a different era." "(baritone echoes) I could stop." "(normal tone) I don't have to eat both sides, but I am." "(normal voice) It's insane." "(voice echoes) It's really good, like, it's [beep]-ing good." "(echoes) That's a beautiful thing." "I am so happy right now." "(voice deep, distorted) This is a home run." "(voice echoes) I don't want this moment to end." "I'm sorry, I forgot your name." "Alen." "Alen?" "Yeah." "Alen:" "A-N?" "E-N?" "A-L-E-N." "A-L-E-N?" "One L." "Yeah, because we didn't have enough Alan spellings." "Right, right." "Let's make a new one." "You know, I had an opportunity to be in a Broadway play." "And we go to Broadway shows, and they're amazing." "There is something about what people will laugh at in a movie, and what they'll laugh at in a Broadway play..." "Uh-huh." "and what they'll laugh at in stand-up." "So like we've all gone to Broadway plays... and we're like, "you guys are laughing at that?"" "Yeah, at these ticket prices?" "You're gonna give it up for that?" "(muffled) Right?" "(both laugh)" "How come some fries get soggy and some - like these - don't?" "It's probably how close they are to the sun." "The reason comedians think of themselves as insane is-- my journey through stand-up, there was a point where- through that first year, where any normal person would say," ""you have to stop doing this." "It's not working."" "The results are not there." "(laughs)" "You're miserable after you do these sets." "Being a comedian is like being a murderer." "No matter what people tell you, you're probably gonna do it anyway." "(both laugh)" "I was thinking of Steve Miller" "What's that song?" "¶Abra-- abra-cadabra¶" "Like when he came out with that song, do you think anyone was like" ""Look, you have a fantastic career," ""you don't want to do this"?" "I mean, look, there's a whole generation that really identifies" "Abra-cadabra-- look, we all want to be popular." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "¶Abra-- abra--¶" "Both: ¶Cadabra¶" "¶I want to reach out and grab ya'¶" "That song should end with the sound of a shotgun." "(silent laughing) -(chuckles)" "(mimics gunshot)" "Do you want to hear a funny story about me and" "No, save it." "(laughing)." "I worked in this advertising agency when I moved to New York, and I worked on the floor, and it was predominantly Jewish." "I was kind of the token goy." "So at one point they said go get a schlep bag." "So I called up and I'm like, "Yeah, I need a schlep bag."" "And people were like, "what?" I didn't know what schlep was." "Right." "It's a great story, right?" "Put that in the house." "That's it?" "(coughing laugh)" "I didn't know what a schlep bag was." "(both laugh)" "So we all have friends that never got married and never had kids-- because whenever a comedian-- male or female-- when they're getting married, every other comedian's like, "Really?"" "(both laughing)" "It could be a 30-year-old guy, 50-year-old woman, we're just like..." "Really?" "You got one of those mortals tricked." "Someone" "A hand went up, a volunteer stepped forward." "Does she know?" "So you're gonna ruin their life?" "When I opened for the Pope," "I was in this constructed temporary amphitheater." "There's 3,000,000 people on the Ben Franklin Parkway." "So I'm up and I'm on stage." "One of my jokes was like," ""Look, I'm gonna be up here for like 10 minutes." ""I know a lot of you are probably gonna want to leave," ""but please stick around, the Pope's coming up."" "They're obviously just there to see him." "Here's my favorite Jerry Seinfeld story." "So we were doing Stand Up for Heroes, hosted by Jon Stewart," "Bill Cosby, me," "Jerry Seinfeld, and Louis C.K." "So I go out and I'm nervous." "This is back before everyone hated Bill Cosby." "And so Bill Cosby does his set and then I'm introduced." "And so I spent, like, my entire set going, all right, I have to go on after Bill Cosby, blah, blah, blah." "So then I go, "Thanks, enjoy the rest of the show,"" "and I walk off." "And Jerry goes, "The rest of the show?"" "(laughing)" "The rest of the show." "(giggling)" "The rest!" "(laughs)" "It's like a corporate setting." "You're never gonna hear the right laugh." "Right." "It's like how do I get out of here alive?" "That's right, but why did they want you there?" "The arch-bishop of Philadelphia invited me because I'm known as the "clean comedian"" "and I'm Catholic, so they thought" "Oh, right!" "And then I met the Pope afterwards." "And there's a guy standing behind him speaking in Italian or Spanish." ""Uh, comedica." That's all I remember." "And he's like, ahh." "It was very nice." "That is nice to meet the Pope if you're Catholic." "Right?" "Yeah, it's like me meeting Mel Brooks." "Right, yeah." "That's as high as it goes." "Jim:" "That was the best pastrami." "Really?" "I'm not just saying that." "Wow." "It used to be there were 22 shows." "Right." "And now it's like, if you don't have a show, you obviously have decided to not have a show because ATT has a network..." "Right." "the GQ channel." "Yeah." "That garbage can has its own channel." "By the way, I've seen that garbage can's channel." "It's-- it's garbage." "It's garbage." "Just crap." "I mean stuff like people would throw out." "There's another show." "Hi." "Do you watch the shows?" "No." "Do you watch" "No!" "So you don't watch anything." "Baseball." "I just like it." "It's interesting." "It's real." "No one's trying to pretend to be anything." "I can't take any more pretending." "The acting, I can't take it." "(laughs)" "The Jim Gaffigan Show is very good." "It's very good." "Yeah." "I like the title of it." "It's good, right?" "Yeah, it's fresh." "but it's been done." "Right?" "!" "Right." "Right?" "Right." "Right?" "Right." "Right?" "Right." "Right?" "Right." "Right?" "Yeah, right." "Right?" "Yeah." "Right?" "Hm-hmm, right." "Right?" "Yeah." "Right, right." "Right." "Right?" "!" "Right." "Right?" "Right." "Right?" "Right!" "Right?" "(muffled) Right." "Right?" "So what?" "Absolutely." "Right?" "Right." "Right, right." "Right?" "Right!" "Right?" "Yeah." "Right?" "Yeah." "Right?" "Right." "Jerry:" ""Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee"" "will be right back after this brief word from our sponsor." "You can open these here jalousies." "Do you know the word jalousie?" "Do you know jalousie?" "You bring that up like people talk about jalousies all the time." "Well, you grew up in Indiana." "Yeah, so, where they use jalousie?" "Yeah, this is a jalousie." "What is a jalousie?" "(laughs)" "It's for this type of window." "You crank it, and it opens up, and you get ventilation." "Oh, so it kind of" "Like a prison." "Yeah, like a prison." "(both laughing)"