" I said it was that way." " THAT isn't a way, Mum!" " What are you doing?" " Mum, just stay on your side of the car!" " You're lurching me over!" " I can't see the road!" "Stand clear!" " For God's sake!" " Don't snap at me!" "You missed the turning." "Why aren't you driving?" "It's your car!" "I prefer to yell at you." "And we go to cousin Pat's every birthday." "How can you not know the way?" "I try to block it out, like all of our time together." "Now that I'm 70, which is the new 50, it suddenly hit me." "Gefilte bhaji?" "I vomited before I came, thanks." "Well, you've got to eat something." "Bombay finger?" "Did you bring any normal-sounding food at all?" "The big 7-0." "And I finally see it!" "Life's not about the destination, it's about the journey." "You learn, you share..." "You needed to take THAT exit." "Oh, fuck!" "Ha!" "Don't suppose you've had one of those in a while?" "What happened to Big Jim?" "Oh, well, he died." "There was an accident with a winch." "Well, that's terrible." "Still, plenty more fish." "What?" "Wait!" "He wasn't my boyfriend!" "He was my 40st neighbour who had to be lifted out of his flat by the fire brigade!" "God!" "So who's spelunking the bat cave these days?" "Stop it." "Stop it." "Why won't you tell me?" "Unless..." "I did always wonder." "What type are you?" "Lipstick?" "Chopstick?" "We're not having this conversation, OK?" "Why won't you tell me?" "I'm a woman of the world!" "I've had my brushes with the clitterati." "Brushes..." "AND feathers." "OK, no conversation AT ALL!" "Like riding along with a Carmelite nun!" "♪ I love you, I hate you" "♪ I'm on the fence, it all depends whether I'm up, I'm down" "♪ I'm on the mend Transcending all reality... ♪" "Carpe diem -- seize the day." "I was inspired by... what's her name?" "You know, that... that cook on television." "Erm..." "Delia Smith?" "Bowl hair cut." "Caused a run on omelette pans." "Yeah, do you mean Delia Smith?" "I think she owned a football team." "Became a noun in the OED." "Let's all do a..." "Delia!" "Delia Smith!" "And...?" "She said, "Don't count the days, make the days count."" "That was Muhammad Ali." " What?" " No!" "Obviously, no!" "Uh-oh!" "I need to go again." "What, again?" "What do you want me to do, Franny, shit in a bag?" "OK!" "OK!" "Do not shit in any bag!" "One lump or two?" "Hands!" "Hands!" " What...?" "!" " Honestly!" "Ah!" " Sorry, Pat." " No, no." "We enjoy your little visits and we've some lovely leftovers of Gemma's cake-tasting." "Gem, darling." "We're going to need a bigger plate." "I like the chocolate, but my fiance Paul prefers the vanilla." "I think we'll go traditional." "Did I tell you that fiance Paul has bought them a duplex?" "He paid cash." "What's a duplex?" "Is it a condom?" "Stop it!" "Oh, did I tell you, Gemma's got a new job?" "Head of HR." "Mm, Franny's had a promotion, too -- to be one of these super-duper teachers." " Aw." " I haven't got it yet, Mum." "Well, as we say in HR, there's no failure, only feedback." "Ha!" "Tell that to the passengers on the Titanic!" "Oh, Fran, you're not the Titanic." "No." "She's not going down on anyone!" "Hi, Mr Merdon." "I just thought you might not call cos you knew I was driving." "Anyway, do let me know... about the job." "It's Fran, by the way." "OK, bye!" "I was just telling them about my enormous bucket." "Oh, God!" "Places to go, things to do." " Ah, you mean a list." " I'll show you." "No, I can imagine." "Some horrific odyssey of sordid antics." "Or, as I prefer to call it, fun." "Oh, talking of which, darling, show them your engagement ring." "I told fiance Paul he should spend one month's salary." "And how much should you spend on a cousin's 70th birthday, Pat?" "Oh!" "Yes, yes, yes." "I got you a little something." "But it's a big one, 70." "All right, then, come upstairs." "Yes!" "Ow!" "Moment of peace." "All this wed-min Mum's got me doing, Fran, it's actually like hard work." "Right." "Is it?" "Now that I'm 70, which is the new 30, I'm going for it, Pat!" "You should get a bucket." " Here you are, Mim." " Erm..." "Can I have this one?" "Oh, all right." "Thank you." "That's the crap you gave me last Christmas." "We're using old photos of everyone for place settings." "Funny, isn't it?" "Oh, my God, look at your mum!" "Oh, I remember that holiday." "Oh, Fran, is that you?" "Erm, no, I don't think so." " With your dad maybe?" " Then, no, definitely not." "Oh, of course." "Did your mum even know who it was?" "Erm, yes, but he died before I was born." "This is you." "Yeah, must be." "There are so many pictures of me, but I can't even find one of you." "No, well, you won't." "Mum says I crack the lens." " No, she just didn't take any." " Oh!" "A joke, yeah." "My fiance Paul does those." "Wait a sec." "Oh." " Well..." " Bon voyage!" "Have a wonderful time." "We're only going home." "But I told you about my bucket." " Well, what's that got to do with me?" " You're driving!" " What?" "!" ""Ride bareback with the Navajo." Hm." ""Kiss a frog on Lake Titicaca."" "This is ridiculous!" "You can't do all of this." "No, not all at once!" "First up is a special night away for us." "Well, I'm sure you'll have fun, but I have an Ocado coming." "No, no, I'm not going on any trip with her!" "I can't." "I've got... plans." "Just think, this is the ultimate road trip." "We'll be like Thelma and Louise." "They killed themselves." "Now let's go... home!" "Actually, I do feel like driving today." "OK, Mum, Mum, Mum!" "What's the matter, Franny?" "Is it Gemma?" "Her wedding?" "Her duplex?" "Her job?" " I don't even know what HR is." " Human Resources..." "Mum, please!" "Mum!" "Mum!" "Slow down!" "Pull over!" "Just..." "No!" "No fucking way!" " Franny, please!" " Mum, no!" "There is no way!" "Look, I might not always have been the best mother in the world..." "Ha!" "Or the best mother in our house!" "Look, Franny, I'm 70." "I've never seen the sun set on the Taj Mahal." "I've never made love in an elevator." "Or have I?" "But my biggest regret is you!" "That's why I booked a special night away, somewhere YOU'LL like." "Please, it's the minibreak we never had." "One night, one trip, but I'm driving!" "♪ I was born in the wagon of a travelling' show" "♪ My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw" "♪ Papa would do whatever he could" "♪ Preach a little gospel" "♪ Sell a couple bottles of Dr Good... ♪" "No, no more." "But I love that song!" ""I was born in the wagon of a travelling show."" "Did I ever tell you you were nearly born in a minicab?" "Was I?" "The driver's name was Tahibo." "He said I had the most luxuriant bush..." "OK, stop now, thank you very much." "Never even gave him a tip." "Maybe I should have called you Tahibo." "Still, what's done is done." "OK." "Which would you rather -- dry-hump Ann Widdecombe or rim Donald Trump?" "No, Mum!" "A proper quiz, like," ""Where was the Declaration of American Independence signed?"" " On the left!" " If you're not going to do it properly..." "Listen!" "Here, on the left." "We've finally arrived!" "MiniWorld!" "Norfolk's answer to Disneyland." "What the hell was the question?" "You were desperate to come here." "Went on and on about it one summer." " But we didn't." " Well, it was the '80s." "There were risks " " Chernobyl, Aids and that emu." "Or was it the summer you disappeared off to rescue Nelson Mandela in Alicante(?" ")" "Or was it the summer you were in hiding from the Baader-Meinhof Gang(?" ")" "I don't remember specifically." "Or was it the summer you just dumped me at Granny's house... who had died in April?" " I came back." " And we're going." "No, I don't want to go home!" "I want to do my bucket list!" "Because 70 is the new foetus?" "No, because I'm dying!" "What?" "But... no..." "You look OK." "From a distance." "I'm like a Seurat painting." "Come closer, and there's a million tiny dots multiplying." "Oh, shit!" "Cancer?" "Eating away at me, and not in a way I'd like!" "What are we doing here?" "Why aren't we at a hospital?" "Because that's the END of my story." "And there's so many pages left to fill!" "Oh, Mum!" "God, I wish you'd wear a bra!" "Pre-paid one night, double room on a Kids Go Free deal, yeah?" "Er... double room?" "And..." "I'm not a kid." "You're my kid." "I'm 35." "One upgrade to adjoining rooms..." "Mini rate is £179." "We'll have a pyjama party." "Oh, what's the minibar like?" "Tiny." "Right, you're in the Mini Lodge." "You can walk it or take the Mini Train." "Welcome to MiniWorld." "Last one to the hotel's a paedo!" "Running with the bulls in Pamplona." "Zorbing in Bedford." "When are we going to talk about it?" " What?" " The elephant in the room." "Don't be so hard on yourself, Franny." "I just want to get a handle on this." " It's coming!" " Yeah, that's why we HAVE to talk about it." " I told them, you see." " What?" "♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday dear..." "Mim" "♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪" " Whoo!" " Birthday conga time?" "Yeah!" "Hey-hey-hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " Wire hangers!" " Agh!" " I always need more of these!" "What is on your face?" "Beauty cream!" "I didn't just fellate a Smurf." " Ugh." " But did I ever tell you about the time I did?" " It was in Brussels, I..." " Please, don't give me nightmares." " Oh, you!" " Too late!" "I want to experience everything before all I have are memories." "Who are these children?" "Well, I haven't actually met them, but they're very photogenic, don't you think?" "And you've got one of Gemma, I see." "Oh, I don't want to argue." "We should be bonding." "Gossiping together, woman to woman." "And, Fran, if that's what you're into, it's..." "Ugh, Mum!" "I don't want to talk about that." " You're ill and..." " Well, I don't want to talk about that!" "I want quality time." "Stick the telly on?" "Yeah." "Cosy." "Ah!" "We never do this." "Why is that?" "'Unfortunately for the singleton black bear cub, 'the mother will often abandon it, 'deciding that raising only one baby just isn't worth her effort.'" "Maybe you were right, dear." "Bedtime." "Oi!" "Are you checking for squirrels over there?" " Am I what?" " Masturbating." "When you were small, I had to nearly tape up your knickers." "Ugh!" "Go to sleep!" "Apparently, the models are an exact 1-12 replica of the nearby village." "Huh!" "Church, pub, pet shop and kebabery." "Oh." ""Et in Arcadia ego." Hm." " Ah." " No, not another word." "No morbid talk." ""Life" is a doing word." "Well, actually, it's a noun." "OK, Mum, MiniWorld here we come!" "Yes!" "♪ Climbed a mountain and I turned around" "♪ And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills" "♪ Till the landslide brought it down" "♪ Oh, mirror in the sky" "♪ What is love?" "♪ Can the child within my heart rise above?" "♪ Can I sail through the changing' ocean tides?" "♪ Can I handle the seasons of my life?" "♪" "Hey-hey!" "Oh." "Are you sexting?" "It's a missed call from work." "Oh, God, the promotion!" "I'll call back later." "Fine, let's get out of here." "Go for a boozy lunch?" "But it's my putt!" " How long have you had that humped back?" " Oh..." "That's nice -- affirmation, encouragement." "You're not a child, Franny." "I'm your child." "Yes, it's funny, really." "It's like looking into a hall of mirrors." "Agh!" "Always crap at sports." "Maybe that's because you don't like playing with balls." "Stop, OK?" "You've got it wrong." "How's wanting to talk getting it wrong?" "I am not gay, Mum!" "I don't care whether you're LBO or QTI." "Everyone's gender liquid these days." "You can't hide from what's inside." "Well, that's nothing." "And there's never been anything, inside or nearby." "Really?" "You... you mean you've not..." "Not ever?" "Well, how can this be?" "Just... never happened for me, Mum." "Oh, Franny, that's... that's... .. ridiculous!" "You're a virgin, you're 35!" "I mean, what...?" "Not now!" "Franny, I mean, seriously?" "Yes, I'm a virgin!" "A big, fat 35-year-old virgin, OK?" "'Fran?" "Hello?" " 'It's Nigel Merdon.'" " Oh!" " 'Hello?" "'" " Oh, God!" " 'Fran?" "'" " Oh, shit!" "A virgin?" "I..." "I can't believe it!" "Well, of course YOU can't!" "You were the universal docking station!" "One size fits all!" "Are you saying this is my fault?" "If the Dutch cap fits!" "Well, it didn't, and that's why you're here." "What?" "I didn't ask to be born!" "Oh, that's right, blame the mother!" "Well, I can't do it, Mum!" "I can't!" "What are you saying?" "I can't do a trip down traumatic memory lane." "It's not fair!" "Life's not fair, Franny!" "It's so short, and there's so much I want to do." "It's always what you want to do!" "This is the first time you have ever thought of me, and why?" "You want a chauffeur." "You're not even sorry, are you?" "You are never sorry!" "I'm sorry you've made a mess of things." "You've ruined my career." "You ruined my vagina!" "You ruined my life!" "You did that all by yourself." "You can't putt, you can't fuck!" "What CAN you do?" "I can drive you to Dignitas!" "I..." "I didn't mean that!" "I..." "Oh, hi, it's Fran." "Erm, someone just briefly stole my phone." "Don't know what you heard." "Weird." "Anyway, just wondering if you had any news about the job." "I-It's Fran, by the way." "OK, bye." "Oh..." "Which king died on the toilet?" "George II." "You just won me a tenner!" "I should buy you a drink." "Oh, OK, sure." "Oh, I'm Dom, by the way." "Aneurism." "That's how George II died." "I am called Fran." "It's nice to talk to a grown-up for a change." " Isn't it?" " I'm on me own with them, you see." "God, me too!" "Why is it so difficult just to communicate?" "Mm, they drive you mad sometimes." "Why can't SHE be the adult for once?" "It gets easier." "How old's yours, then?" "70." "Mum, I shouldn't have s..." "Have you tried calling your mum?" "Yes, obviously." "Look, OK, so she's this tall and this wide." "She's got curly hair, like mine but white." "Erm, big eyes." "Nose like this." "Well, you couldn't miss her." "She's unique." "Oh, that is actually quite good." "Don't worry, we'll find her." "'Fran Morganstein." "'Fran Morganstein." "Big enough gesture for you?" "Mum, where have you been?" "Village pub." "I had a White Russian, a jumbo sausage, and then I had an epiphany." "Franny, I realised something." "It's not that I CAN'T do it without you, I don't WANT to." "I know things haven't been great between us but I can't change the last three hours or the last 35 years." "We can only go forward." "Mum, I thought I'd lost you." "I've got to make the days count." "I want you to come with me, Franny." "You're in a rut, dear, and I can't die knowing you haven't lived." "How did you get this?" "Payment in kind." " And I was very kind!" " Ugh!" "Oh." "Oh, God!" "Hello?" "Yes." "Oh, I see." "External candidate." "OK." "Feedback?" "Actually, I can't." "My mum's sick and I need some personal time." " So I'll see you next term." " And she won't be a virgin by then!" "We're intertwingled, you and I." "After all, you came out of my fanny, Franny." "OK?" "So, no drugs, no brushes with the law and no embarrassing me." "Ha-ha!" "Woohoo!" "Carpe bloody diem!" "♪ Break another little bit of my heart now, darling" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "♪ Have another little piece of my heart now, baby" "♪ You know you got it, child If it makes you feel good. ♪"