"We thought you'd like to wear one today." "Shit!" "OK, here comes your night to remember!" "Here she comes." "She's almost got it." "She's almost got it!" "She's got it!" "Come on, shit for brains!" " What do you mean, break Pee Wee's cherry?" " lfyou're not cherry, you don't get Wendy." "I'm cherry." "You could put me on top of a banana split, I'm so cherry." "Make itmine." "Make itmine." "Please make itmine." "I got laid!" "I got laid. I tore her up." "She's ruined." "Where's stiffy?" "Stiffy!" "Maybe it doesn't work for a couple of days after you get laid." "Up, you big husky!" "Up!" "Shit." "Marilyn Monroe." "Jayne Mansfield." "Shit!" "Got a bad rash, Mom." "Hurts like heck." "I don't think I'll ask." " Hey, Casanova!" " Hey, stud, how does it feel?" "Listen, about this Shakespeare crap." " Shakespeare crap?" " Stop!" " You're getting me in trouble with Mom." " lt's not my fault she's a drama teacher." "Just because you don't mind looking like a jerk, Mom thinks I shouldn't mind either." " Shakespeare's good for you." " Shakespeare's ass sucks canal water." "His ass sucks canal water." "That's very profound." " He has a keen analytical mind." " And a way with words." "Hey, Pee Wee." "How's it feel?" "Getting laid." " Same as it always feels." " Oh, I don't believe it." "What do you mean?" "I got bodies laid all over South Florida." "Morris, the last time you got any action was with your fist." "You guys are jealous because I ruined Wendy for everybody else." " Oh, no!" " Now that she's had me, what's left?" "Yeah, well, that's not what she told me." " What did she tell you?" " Ask her, Pee Wee." "Here she comes." "Yeah, I can hear her panting' from here." "When they've been had by Pee Wee Morris, they can't keep their hands off me." "And watch out, cos when she sees me you might get caught in the stampede." "Watch this." "Hi, boys." " She's in a frenzy." " She's rabid." " She didn't know I was here." " That's what she said about you last night." "Oh, man." "The girl's my slave." "Wendy!" "Hey, Wendy!" " Hey, baby." "How's tricks?" " You talkin' to me?" "Well, yeah. I'm talkin' to you." "How you feelin'?" "To tell you the truth, I'm a little horny." "I haven't had too much action lately." "is that so?" "In fact, if I don't get next to a man soon, I'm gonna be in real trouble." "You guys are as funny as a rubber crutch." " Thanks a lot, kid." " Oh, Pee Wee, come on. lt's just a little joke." "They made me do it." "They said they'd never let me see you again." "If that happened, I'd just have to go into a convent." "I mean, after you, where's a girl to go?" "It's all downhill from here." " That's what I was tryin' to tell 'em." " Well, you were right." " When?" " How about lunchtime?" " OK." " Gotta go." "See you later." "Bye." "Look closer." "That is the world's record shit-eatin' grin." " l don't know how you do it, Pee Wee." " l'm an artist." "Michelangelo worked in stone." "Van Gogh worked in oil. I work in pussy." " He works in pussy." " At least he's consistent." " Let's get him." " l think he needs some more." "I think he does." "Hey, Pee Wee!" "If you got all this pussy lying' around, you should share with your buddies." " We share with you." " Oh, yeah." "Like Cherry Forever." "A mere dalliance, my boy." "A life experience." "We should all learn to run from guys with machetes." "As early in life as possible." "I think you should fix us up with some ofyour stuff." " Sure, I'll fix you up." " Yeah?" "When?" " Well, hell, any time." " How about tomorrow night?" "Tomorrow night?" "It might take me a couple of days to line up some first-class stuff." "I gotta talk 'em into goin' for other guys." "They're pretty loyal." " Oh, yeah. I can imagine." " Of course they would be." "Shit." "Hi." " You still suspended?" " Three more days." "Shit." "You're right. 5:10 on the nose." "I told you." "She goes to the bathroom 5:10 every day." " Every day?" " Every day. 5:10 every day." "You can set your watch by it." " She's German, you know." " Very interesting." "Yeah?" "What's so interesting about when Miss Balbricker goes to the bathroom?" "A little experiment I got for zoology class." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." " Hey, Stemrick!" " What do you want, Pee Wee?" " You get a lot of action, just like me." " Yeah, I get my share." "I promised to set Turner and some of the guys up with some pussy." "I don't wanna give 'em my choice stuff." " They're pretty inexperienced." " Yeah, you don't wanna do that." "So I wondered ifyou knew a broad that's a real pushover." "Somebody a real idiot could score with." "Hell, man." "That's easy." "Wendy Williams." " Hey, Stemrick." " Yeah?" "Your sister sucks rhinoceros dicks." "I wonder what he meant by that?" "Hold the splits, girls." "Let's get ready for the tongue exercise." "Ready?" "All right." "Up!" "Out!" "Right!" "Left!" "Down!" "Hey, what the hell did Pee Wee do to Stemrick?" "He's pissed as shit and lookin' for Pee Wee." "I think he asked Big John if he could fix us up with his sister for a gangbang." "Could be." "He's desperate enough." "Boys, I think we got his ass in a sling this time." "Yeah, well." "Serves him right." "Hey, Billy?" " What kinda role you playin'?" " l'm playin' a couple of roles, actually." "I'm doin' different scenes from different plays." " What roles?" " Macbeth." " l heard ofthat." " Yeah." "What's the other role?" " Oberon." " Oberon?" "Who's he?" "He's sort of like a... forest ranger." "A forest ranger?" "In Shakespeare?" "Yeah." "He looks after the woods." "You know." " Looks after the woods?" " Yes." "He runs around in the woods a lot." " He sounds like a fairy to me." " He's notjust a fairy." "He's the king ofthe fairies." "Oh, you mean like a really big fairy." "You guys are really funny." "Hysterical." "Come on, guys." "Let's get serious." "This is art here." " l think it's really admirable, Billy." " l bet you do." "So." "So you're playin' a big fairy?" "Yeah." "Well, that's good casting." "Hey, Turner, suck my wand!" " Frank." " What's up, Pee Wee?" "You wanna get back at Turner for that Cherry Forever gag?" " You know I would." "Why?" " l'll tell ya later." "We gotta find a broad who they'll believe is ready for a gangbang." "Someone who's like a door knob?" "Everybody takes a turn?" " lt's easy." "Wendy Williams." " Never mind her." "Somebody else." " Somebody that they don't know." " All right." "Let me see." "This girl in the band, Big Edna, is supposed to be hot. I heard, mind you. I wasn't there." "I heard she was about to take on 20 guys on the way home from the Daytona trip." "Some ofthe fruitcakes in the band didn't know what to do." " lt figures." "Big Edna." " l mean big." "Six foot." "Listen, Pee Wee." "Take this over to that lab monitor for me." " Oh, yeah." "Sure." " Thanks." "Gee, that's very funny, Morris." "Pee Wee." "Pee Wee, it's not that bad." "Tell those guys the members ofyour harem don't want to make it with a bunch ofjerks." " That's what you'd do, huh?" " l don't have a harem." "Oh, that's not what I hear." "What'd you hear?" "I was asking who's the biggest pushover in school." "You know what everybody said?" " Wendy Williams?" " Right." "It can't be the first time you've heard that stuff." " That's different." " Why?" "Before, I wanted it to be true." "And I guess now I don't." "Well, that's good." "Because it's not true." " lt isn't?" " No." " You don't believe me?" " You went on the bus with me, just like that." "That's like the old joke "l wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member."" "Pee Wee, don't you know why I did that?" "Yeah." "The bet with Tommy." "I did it because I liked you and because I wanted to." "You did?" " You do it every time you want to?" " Yup." "Every time I want to." "It's just that I've only wanted to three times." "Really?" "Tommy - you knew that." "Some guy you don't know at summer camp." "And you." "Well, why are all these assholes talking about you like that?" "Most guys are so desperate, they'll lie about anybody to make themselves look like studs." "Didn't you ever brag about some girl you never really made it with?" "Well, I can't believe they'd make all that up." "You know how I got my reputation?" "In the eighth grade." "I didn't know anything. I mean..." "These guys tried to get me to go skinny-dipping." "I didn't want to, but I didn't care if they did so I watched." "I thought it was funny, you know." "Flopping around." "Oh, God." "The next day in school, I was a slut." "I mean, the original mattress-back." "I got used to it." "What do they know about me?" "I do what I want." "I don't care what anybody thinks." "Well..." "I mean, don't you care what I think?" "I care." "But I can't tell you what to think." "I can only tell you the truth." "Oh, boy." "Well?" "We gonna be buddies?" "First, I'm gonna have to get into shape." "Yeah, why?" "Cos I'm gonna kick the shit out ofthese guys!" "I don't want 'em talkin' about my girl like that." "Come on, kids!" "Let's go." " Shit." " That's your cue." "We got somethin' cookin' for your Cherry Forever revenge." "Who's "we" and how did you know about that?" ""We" is Brian and me." "And what do you mean, how do I know?" "I look after my guy." " We even know where to get the girl." " Don't worry. I got a lead." " What's the plan?" " We're still workin' on it. I'll tell you tonight." "Big Edna?" " Hi. I'm Pee Wee Morris." " l know." "You do?" "Ah, well, that figures." "I heard you had a little problem with the boys in the band the other night." "Edna, I have some guys that won't let you down." "You know what I mean?" "No." "Come on, Edna." "A big girl like you takes a lot of men to keep you satisfied, right?" " What are you talking about?" " Come on, you know what I'm talkin' about!" " l don't." " Edna, come here." " l wonder what he's up to." " Who knows." " What do you think?" " No way." "Gangbang?" "Dirty, rotten, filthy little creep!" " Are you OK?" " l take it that was a no." " She's thinking it over." " You're funny." "Look, don't worry about it." "We'll switch to plan B." " Plan B?" "I don't even know what plan A was." " Here's what we'll do." "Yet I will try the last." "Lay on, Macduff," "And damn'd be he that first cries "Hold, enough!"" "No, not you." "Shakespeare." "The... play." " l'm glad I don't have to eat these." " You seen Billy around?" " Don't bug him, he's studying his role." " He's studying, you ignorant oafs." " l got a role he can study." " He's not ready for a role that big, yet." "Hey, Mickey!" "Suckers." "Hey, McCarty." "Can we have your autograph?" "Look, you guys, when I become a big star and I'm rubbing elbows with Ava Gardner," " you're the first people I intend to forget." " That's Hollywood." ""Gentle Puck, come hither." What the fuck's a puck?" "It's a character. lt's a friend of Oberon's." "He's like a... a little forest ranger." " Puck?" "A little forest ranger?" " Yes." " Well, who plays that part?" " Pee Wee." "Oh." "So Pee Wee plays the little fairy and you play a big fairy." "That's a lot offairies." "You guys get to run around the woods together?" "You guys must be really proud ofyour ignorance cos you show it off so much." " John Henry." " Yes, I know." "Tell Mrs Morris l'll take the part." "I will. I'm glad." " ls he in the show?" " Well, he is now." " He's a Seminole." " Observant, Tim." "Real observant." "No, no, no. I just meant that..." "some people might not care for that." " Well, it's all right with me." " Me too." " We're gonna see the broad tonight?" " Right." " Do you think they'll go for it?" " lfyou keep your cool." " Just think of it as an acting lesson." " Cool." "Right." " Tomorrow night at 11 o'clock." " Right." " lt'll work, right?" "Graveyard Gloria, right?" " Right." " Cool, right?" " Right." " You could be the biggest fairy of 'em all." " Eat my shorts." "Hey, you guys, how they hangin'?" "Cut it out, for Christ's sake!" "I come here with an offer of a lifetime and you act like children." " We're sorry." "What's your offer?" " Forget it." "Billy, let's go." "You wanna sample the greatest ass in five counties?" " What ass is this?" " Get this." "By day, a mild-mannered librarian." "She looks like a buttoned-up icebox." "But you get her near a cemetery and she'll ride you into the ground!" "I'm not kiddin'." "They call her "Graveyard Gloria, the fuck of death."" "I got it all lined up!" "You wanna act like men for a change and take a shot at this?" " l don't know." "Do you wanna give her a shot?" " Yeah, but it might spoil it for the rest ofyou." "Why not?" "She's gotta have some curiosity value." "I got it all worked out for you." " How about you, McCarty?" " Oh, I just love graveyards." " But can't we rehearse first?" " Sure, Billy." "See you, Rock." " Graveyard Gloria, my ass." " l wonder where he dug her up?" "That's funny." "Not as funny as your face, but funny." " The little booger's up to something." " We're gonna have to keep an eye on him." "How we gonna do that?" "He's in rehearsal all day." "Well, Anthony, you always wanted to be an actor." "Me, an actor?" "No fuckin' way." "You gotta be kiddin'." "It'll never happen." "Count on it." "Thanks for coming by, Anthony." "I just figured I'd... kinda like, ask you a question." "I mean, is this guy, like..." "is he, like..." "No." "How come he has to wear, you know, clothes like this?" "Well, he's pretending to be a girl." "Just pretending?" "OK." "Will you read Thisbe's speech on page 120?" "Yeah." ""O wall, full often hast thou heard my moans."" "Pretty good, huh?" "Anthony, can you get your voice a little higher?" "Well, he's pretending to be a girl." ""My cherry lips..."" "A little higher, Anthony." "Come on." ""And I like Helen, till the Fates me..."" "This isn't gonna work." "I just got a naturally deep voice." "You know." "I just naturally got a man's voice." "Really neat disguise." "Yeah!" "I think I'm going to regret this." "Shit." "Graveyard Gloria?" "Why not?" "Sounds like fun." " You got a deal." " That's great." "Rex, shut up!" "Gosh, he's so possessive." " OK, Friday night." "Good night." " See you later, boys." " They're gonna shit." "Definitely." " Definitely." "Oh, definitely." " What do you want?" " ls Gloria in?" " Who wants her?" " We wanna talk some business." " She ain't interested." " We brought along a few friends of ours." "Oh, well..." "Any friend ofyours is a friend of ours." "That is great." "Nice, nice." "Very good." "Next!" "Lovely!" "Oh, just wonderful." "Next!" "All right, who's supposed to be next?" "Let's move it." "Come on, folks." "Let's get with it, please." "All right, who's supposed to be next?" " lt's Pee Wee." " Oh. I see." "Pee Wee!" " l'm not comin' out." " Pee Wee, get out here right now." "All we need is a brief look at the costume." "No way." "Pee Wee, you get out here right now or you're sitting out the rest ofthe baseball season." " Mom, I can't." "Everybody'll laugh." " Nobody will laugh." " Yes, they will." " No, they won't." " Will anybody laugh?" " No." "Get the curtain." "It looks great, Pee Wee." " Nice horn, buddy." " Love your dress, Meat." "Nice tail." "Excellent, costumers." "Very good." "Very creative." " All right, let's get on with it." " You're not gettin' on with anything." " l beg your pardon?" " Rise, flock, and follow." "Excuse me." "This is a closed rehearsal." "We don't open for..." "This show is never gonna open." "Miss Balbricker." "To what do I owe this pleasure?" "Oh, it's no pleasure, I assure you, Morris." "I'm here to lend support to Reverend Flavel." "And I'm the spiritual leader ofthe Righteous Flock, Reverend Bubba Flavel." "Bubble Flavour?" "Bubba Flavel, Mrs Morris." "Reverend Bubba Flavel." " lt is Mrs Morris, is it not?" " The last time I looked." "Would you put cow puckeys in these children's mouths, Mrs Morris?" "What?" "Or dog oogies?" "Or pelican snot?" "Excuse me, I am going to be ill." "This is Shakespeare. lt is not filth." "Oh, yes. I know, that's the official position of the academic community." "However..." "Exactly what are you trying to tell us, Reverend Flavel?" "We're closing you down, Morris." "Closing you down." " On whose authority?" " God's." " The Righteous Flock's." " So sayeth the shepherd." "So sayeth the flock." "If that's not good enough, we'll go to the principal." "Then let's do that, Miss Balbricker." "Let's just do that." "Right now." "Mr Carter, there's a mob here to see you." " Do they have an appointment, Betty?" " God always has an appointment!" "Come on, Mr Carter." "Well, Reverend." "What is the problem now?" "What is the problem?" "The problem is fornication." " So sayeth the shepherd." " So sayeth the flock." "Sister Balbricker." "Open your book." "You play the woman's part." "Shakespeare is trash!" "I'll give proof." "Listen to this!" ""lf l be waspish, best beware of my sting!"" ""Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting?"" "Get this: "ln his tail."" " "ln his tongue." - "Whose tongue?"" ""Yours, ifyou talk oftails:" "And so, farewell."" ""What?" "With my tongue in your tail?"" "Now, there's no mistaking his intention." "No, sir." "He intends to put his tongue in a woman's tail." "What kind of man would do a thing like that?" "Reverend, here is the Bible." "Now..." "Now, listen." "Just a moment." "Listen." ""And my beloved put in his hand by the hole ofthe door and my bowels were moved for him."" "Song of Solomon." "Chapter 5." " The devil can cite scripture for his purpose." " He can cite Shakespeare too, Reverend." "I have read Solomon and Job and Isaiah and Jeremiah and Malachi and Matthew and Mark and Luke and John." " And nowhere..." " He forgot Sneezy and Doc." "Nowhere do I find the likes ofthis." "Midsummer Night's Dream." "Act V. Scene I." ""The iron tongue of midnight hath told twelve;" "Lovers, to bed; 'tis almost fairy time."" "Good God!" "It's enough to make a real man sick." " So sayeth the shepherd." " So sayeth the flock." ""And Abraham was 90 years old and nine when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin." Genesis 17." "A MidsummerNight's Dream." "Act iv, scene I." ""l could munch your good dry oats."" " So sayeth the shepherd." " So sayeth the flock." ""And thy navel is like a rounded goblet which wanteth not liquor."" "Solomon 7, verse 2." "And King Lear." "Act iv." "Scene Vl." ""Let copulation thrive!"" " So sayeth the shepherd." " So sayeth the flock." ""And when the Lord saw Leah was hated, he opened up her womb."" "Genesis 24:31." "Vile!" "Blasphemous!" "Intolerable!" "Shakespeare must go!" " So sayeth the shepherd." " So sayeth the flock." "God damn you, you..." "What sayeth you, Mr Carter?" "Get the flock outta here!" "All right, Mr Carter!" "This means war." "Holy war!" "Flock, follow!" "Thank you." " Will you hurry up?" " Brian, who do I look like?" "One last time:" "Boris Karloff as the Mummy." " Dead right." "Dead ringer, huh?" " One more dead joke, you're dead." "Excuse me, girls." "Y'all know a good dermatologist?" " Let's go over it one more time." " We pick 'em up." "You introduce me." ""Miss Gloria Tightass, little Miss Prim and Proper."" ""Good evening, boys. lt's swell to meet you." l figure she whispers, being from a library." "Right." "Good, but talk about books or something." "Keep 'em off guard." "Oh, yeah." "Books." "Then we take the detour." "You ask me why." " When you hear the word "graveyard"..." " l get hot." "Really hot." "Be convincing, because they'll be lookin' for a trap." " You even gotta convince me." " Lover, I will be convincing." "Oh, I want these guys so horny, they'll do anything for it." "Anything." " What is the matter with you?" " lt's the booze, man. lt's deadly." "Wait a minute. I almost forgot my bottle." "That would be a grave error." "So, Gloria, have you read any good books lately?" " l read My Gun is Quick." "Do you know it?" " Know it?" "He lives it." " Really?" "Are you a private eye?" " No, he's a private dick." " But not by choice." " Turner, how about gobbling' myjoint?" " No, I never read that one, Meat." " Me neither. lt's not in the library yet." "How come we've never seen you at the library?" " She works odd hours." " Midnight till three." "That reminds me. I said I'd stop by the cemetery to put flowers on Granddad's grave." "The graveyard?" "Ooh, Pee Wee!" "The worms crawl in" "The worms crawl out" "The worms play pinochle on your snout" "Hey, don't forget your flowers." " Where are the rednecks?" " Over there." "Where's Steve?" "I think we oughta nail him in his coffin and leave him overnight." "Hey, listen." "Listen to me." "I'm gonna go back to her and..." " She's hot, man." " That's what you said, Pee Wee." " But she's really hot!" " Pee Wee, I'm getting hot." "I want all you guys - but especially you." "Go get her, Pee Wee." "I'm getting hot and I really mean it." "Let's you and I go do it before the others get there." "Oh, shit!" " Bye, Pee Wee." " Like shooting' fish in a barrel." " Don't die till he gets all his clothes off." " Right." " He's going to shit." " So am I." "Steve!" "Shut up, man." "Listen, come on!" "The signal's been delayed." "Somethin' important came up." " Be realistic when you die." " Don't worry, sugar." " Go easy, Bill." " Right." "OK. I'm ready." "Well... I'm dying for it." "But wait." "I want you to come... slowly." "Step by step... by step." "I wanna feel your arms around me." "Your lips on mine." "Your hands on my body." "Oh, yes." "Touching, searching, feeling." "Oh, Pee Wee!" "My God." "What's the matter?" "Don't you like me?" "What?" "I thought she was supposed to be doing this realistic." "Holy shit!" "Help, Tommy!" "Help, Tommy, come here!" "Hurry!" "We've got to act serious." "Tommy!" " What happened?" " l don't know." " Check her pulse." " What pulse?" " What do you mean, what pulse?" " ls there a heartbeat?" " l don't think so." " Of course there is!" "Otherwise she'd be..." "Dead." "Don't look, Pee Wee." "Just don't look!" "She can't be dead." "Let me look." " Dead as a fuckin' doornail." " Oh, shit!" "You got her too excited, Pee Wee." " l think we should call the police." " Police?" "!" "My mom's gonna kill me." " We can't do that." " Why not?" " Pee Wee'll go to jail." " Jail?" " What do you mean?" " This is coitus interruptus. ln extremis." " That's a good point." " But I didn't do anything, Tommy!" "The law doesn't look at it that way." "If a woman dies while you're boffing her, you're considered an accomplice." " Oh, shit, Pee Wee." " Oh, my God." "Look, Pee Wee. it really wasn't your fault." "She probably had a bad heart." " Yeah, it could have happened to any of us." " Yeah, especially you, Meat." " So." "What are we gonna do?" " William, there's only one thing to do." "What's that, Thomas?" "Bury her." "Yeah." "We've gotta protect Pee Wee." "They might miss her down at the library." "I just suppose that's a chance we're gonna have to take." " Absolutely right." " Meat, you wanna grab that body?" " Watch your hands." " What do you care?" "You're dead." " She's gettin' stiff already." " So are you, Meat." " What is this?" " Nothin'." " "Nothin"'?" " Who's in there?" " Nobody." " "Nobody"?" "It's Steve." " lt was ajoke." " Ajoke?" "Good God, there's a woman lying dead over there." "And you're telling us it was ajoke?" "I didn't know!" "We've put up with your pranks for many years now." "But we never dreamed that you'd have such little regard for human life." " We're disappointed." "Bitterly disappointed." " Well, God help you, Pee Wee." " You're gonna have to live with this!" " Yeah." "Amen." "But..." "Oh, shit, Steve." "Goddammit, I'm talkin' to you!" "What the fuck do you think you're doin'?" " lt's the goddamn grave robbers again." " l'm gonna blow their fuckin' heads off." "Come on, you guys." "What's goin' on?" "Holy shit!" "Bye-bye, Pee Wee." "See you later!" "What are you guys doin'?" "Shit!" " Bye, Pee Wee!" " See you around!" " Crazy little fuckers." " Well, it's an easy ten bucks." "That's right." "Hand it over." " Just kids." " Yeah." "Remember the last time we were on this road?" "Yeah." "Couldn't forget that." "I really wanna hear this story." "Look out!" "All right." "That's it." "OK, OK." "All right." "All right, take it up." "This is gonna scare the shit out of 'em." "They gonna mess their trousers!" " Why are we doin' this?" " l don't know, Billy." " Brian, get the house lights, please." " Sure." "Just pretend Reverend Flavel and the county commissioners aren't out there." "We'll do the scenes as we've rehearsed them." "Now, don't worry about it. lt's going to..." " What is it?" " These clowns." "What's this supposed to mean?" "Well..." "They don't like John Henry playing Romeo to Wendy's Juliet." " l'll withdraw ifyou think it's best." " Oh, no." "We're not givin' in to this stuff." "Hold on a second." "John Henry, certainly we're not going to be intimidated by this stupidity." "But, ultimately, the decision isn't ours. lt's yours." "Mrs Morris!" "Oh, Mrs Morris. I'd like you to meet His Honour Mayor John G Abernathy." " How do you do?" " How are you?" "Great school." "Great." " Great school." "My mother was a teacher." " Really?" "Have you met the other commissioners?" "Commissioner Couch." "Commissioner Hurley." " Bob Gebhardt." " Pleased to meet you." " Well, gentlemen, I hope you enjoy it." " Not likely." "I always admired the Bard myself." "I know several thousand voters who don't share your view, Commissioner." " That sounds like a threat, Reverend Flavel." " The Lord doesn't have to threaten." "You remember that, Reverend Flavel." " Well, shall we start?" " Of course, sir." "Call me but love, and I'll be new baptised;" "Henceforth I never will be Romeo." "What man art thou, that, thus bescreened in night," "So stumblest on my counsel?" "By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am:" "My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, Because it is an enemy to thee." "My ears have not yet drunk..." " That kid's a Seminole." " Yeah, probably." "Are thou not Romeo, and a Montague?" "If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully." "Or ifthou think'st I be too quickly won, I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay." " Lady, by yonder blessed moon..." " O swear not by the moon..." "That young man is not of the American persuasion." "My bounty is as boundless as the sea," "My love as deep; the more I give to thee," "The more I have..." "Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing." "Good night, good night!" "Parting is such sweet sorrow" "That I shall say good night till it be morrow." " Well?" " Didn't we tell you?" "I want the school board to cut offfunds for this extravaganza immediately." "Well, we're not the school board." "The school board is an independently elected body." " We'll discuss it. I'll get back to you." " This is ridiculous!" "Hell's a lot hotter than Angel Beach, Mr Carter." "You'll get quite a tan." "I wouldn't worry too much about it." " Who's that guy?" " Commissioner Gebhardt." "A friend of Dad's." " So what do you think?" " He's great." "We got nothin' to worry about." " You know who's behind this." " Yeah." "Balbricker." "Right." "Now she gets hers." "Thomas!" "Hold it, Thomas!" " Billy." " What's this?" " Blueprints." " l know that." "What are they of?" " Take a look." " OK." "There's the school." "OK." "So this is the gym." "So what?" " So we take this snake..." " Jesus Christ!" "What the hell you doin'?" "!" " You don't like snakes?" " l hate snakes!" "You know I hate snakes." " What are you gonna do?" "Kill her?" " lt's just a rat snake. lt's not poisonous." "That old black magic has me in its spell" "That old black magic that you weave so well" " Are you sure this is the one, Billy?" " lt's that one right there." " You're sure?" " Yeah." "Here we go." "Aflame" "With such a burning desire" "That only your kiss, kiss, kiss" "Can put out the fire" " OK, Billy, gimme the snake." " Give you the snake?" "Get your own fuckin' snake." " l've got your snake right here." " Here." "Oh, you're the lover I have waited for" "The mate that fate had me created for" "And every time your lips meet mine" "Get it outta here!" " Put him in the goddamn hole!" " l want you to meet a friend of mine." "OK, come on." "In a spin" "Lovin' that spin I'm in" "Under that old black magic called..." "Love" "One more turn and we'll go." "What in the world...?" "No, it can't be. I fired them." "Excuse me." "It's OK." "Nothing to worry about." "Just a little rat snake." "No danger." "No problem, Coach. I'll let him go outside." "Quick thinking, Turner." "Good job, son." "Turner!" "Beautiful." " Hang on to that." " Jesus!" "Goddammit!" "Turner, I'm gonna kill you!" "Goddammit." "That's it." "You're not gonna surrender to him." "No Seminole ever surrendered!" "Go on!" "That's it!" "Go, go!" "Oh, wait a minute." "Wait!" "That's good acting when you wanna kill each other, but don't, huh?" "I think Hamlet's supposed to win this one." " Sorry, I just got carried away." " That's OK." "Oh, Mrs Morris." "I must have a couple ofwords with the students." " We're in the middle of a rehearsal." " lt's very important." "All right, folks." "Let's get up here, please." "Quickly." "Let's move it." "Folks, may we have your attention?" "Mr Carter has a few words." "Come on, now." "Thank you. I don't like to have to say this, but I don't want you to be too distressed because I'm quite sure it can be resolved perfectlyjustly." "As you know, certain uninformed factions have attempted to halt our production of the scenes from Shakespeare." "They influenced the county commission to address the school board, and they have been granted a hearing." "The superintendent of schools has ordered me to temporarily suspend this production, pending that hearing." "I understand how you feel." "Now, please listen." "That is what I am doing officially." "However, there's absolutely nothing to prevent you on you own continuing to practice as a class project." "I assure you, we're going to do everything we possibly can to put this "Evening with Shakespeare" on the stage." "Thank you, and what's the phrase?" "Break a leg!" " What a mess." " Those bastards." "It's ridiculous." "The commissioners are closing Shakespeare because they think it's dirty?" "Those creeps watch skin flicks every Saturday in the courthouse." " You're kidding!" " Commissioner Mason was caught exposing himselfto his Bible school class and they hushed it up." " Oh, God." "How did you know that?" " Everybody knows that." " Well, don't worry about it." " What do you mean?" "We got a friend in court, remember?" " Yeah, Commissioner..." " Geb-fart." "God, I love this. I just love it." "I can't tell you how great it makes me feel to see you great American kids fighting for what you think is right." "And there's no question about what's right here." "This is ridiculous." " But how can he do this?" " Well, he hasn't done anything yet." "All he's done is petitioned the school board for a hearing." " But they stopped the play." " They haven't stopped anything yet." " You're still rehearsing." " Yeah..." "Right." "You don't understand the politics behind this." "This is the way it's gonna work." "As you know, we've got an election coming up in a couple ofweeks." "Flavel's got a few votes under his thumb, enough to scare a couple of my fellow commissioners." "So, what's the easy thing to do?" "We make Flavel happy." "So..." "So the commission makes Flavel happy by taking it to the school board." "Right." "Now the school board's not up for reelection, so they turn the petition down and you'll be happy." "And the commission is off the hook because... we tried." "So how'd you get the commissioners to go along?" "Old-fashioned horse trading." "Some fellow commissioners have a rezoning project on the line, and I'm the swing vote." "I really don't give a damn ifthey get their rezoning - but I can't let them know that." "So I play hardball." "If they want my swing vote, they have to help me." "It's like the hip bone connected to the thigh bone, thigh bone to the ankle bone..." " lt sounds like dirty pool to me." " Well..." "Well, now, little fella." "Our great American system is built on compromise." "Everybody wants something." "The trick is to see that everybody gets a little piece." " You know what I mean?" " You bet he does." "Now, you've got my word on this." "I'm not gonna let some self-righteous bullies deprive you ofyour play." "Your principal is being notified right now that the school board has okayed the evening of Shakespeare." "That's wonderful." "Thank you very much." "Well, you gotta do somethin' for the little guy." "Oh, Commissioner." "Your meeting in five minutes." "You kids go put on a hell of a play." " Thanks." " Thank you." " Maybe I'll get invited to the opening night?" " Front row, center." " Great guy." " Yeah, he's swell!" "What's that?" "Reverend Flavel's petition to stop the Shakespeare festival." " Five thousand signatures." " Five thousand?" "Yeah, and every one ofthem prepared to vote against you ifthings don't go their way." "Set up a meeting with Flavel." "Right." "I thought so." "The Klan!" " What's goin' on?" "What happened?" " There's no need for you now." " Wait a minute." "We're his friends." " l'm his brother." " You should have been here on time." " My truck wouldn't start." "John's always waited for us to get here before he came out to the road." "Leave him alone. lt was John's mistake." " How badly is he hurt?" " Just his pride." "They tried to shave his head." "A white man's little joke." "But their day is coming." "Whoa, buddy." "Are you all right?" "You're sure, John?" " l wanna go." " Let him go." "All right, go." " That oughta stir 'em up." " Yeah, they oughta turn tail now." "Look at them dirty redskins attacking that poor, defenseless cross." "I will not yield," "To kiss the ground beneath young Malcolm's feet." "Though Birnam wood be come to Dunsinane," "And thou opposed, being of no woman born," "Yet I will try the last." "Lay on, Macduff." "And damned be he that first cries "Hold, enough!"" " My sword broke." " His sword broke!" " A sword!" " A sword!" "His kingdom for a sword!" "Get him a sword!" "A sword!" " l don't have a sword." " What do you mean?" " Just kill him." " With what?" "Billy, I got a sword." "Stab him." "Just kill me, John." "Aw, shit!" "Stab!" "Will you stab me?" "Just stick it in, John!" "Now the hungry lion roars, And the wolf behowls the moon;" "As this heavy ploughman snores, All the weary task fordone." "Now the wasted brands do glow," "Whilst the screech owl, screeching loud," "Does put the wretch that lies in woe To the remembrance of a shroud." "Flock!" "Follow." "Not a mouse Shall disturb this hallowed house:" "For I am sent with broom before, To sweep the dust behind the door." "If we have unearned luck So to 'scape the serpent's tongue," "We will make amends ere long;" "Or else Puck..." " lt's the cops!" " Whoa, what's this?" "What's goin' on here?" "I am the principal and I will take care ofthis." "Ladies and gentlemen, one moment, please." "These learned people, the Righteous Flock, in their infinite wisdom, have decreed that the works ofwilliam Shakespeare, the pearl of English literature, are unfit to be performed by our students and too indecent to be viewed by you." "However, my good friends, I assure you:" "we have not yet begun to fight." "Thank you." "Good night, and we'll see you all again... very soon." " Who do you think you're talkin' to?" " A hypocrite." "You care nothing about matters ofthe spirit." "You just wanna control other people's lives, you fascist!" "We have dealt with the filth. I can see we will now have to deal with the purveyors offilth." " Hey, deal with this." " You whelp of Satan!" "No one speaks to me that way." "You better get a grip on yourself, boy." "Bye, Reverend." "Anthony, that wasn't entirely helpful." "Now, as I say, we have a warrant here charging the Angel Beach High drama club with public presentation of obscene material." "Of course, we have no need to press this warrant." "That was never our intent." "These innocent children aren't to blame." " Do you believe this guy?" " He's a deeply religious man!" "Yeah, and rich." "We were the voice crying' in the wilderness." "And we were heard by the mayor and the God-fearin' members ofthe county commission, who voted unanimously to bring this corruption to a halt." "Does your warrant apply to all plays by the drama club?" "My warrant applies to all plays by any drama club..." "That lousy son of a bitch." "Gebhardt's leg bone got connected to Flavel's foot bone." "And they both got shoved up our asses." "I knew it." "Fellow Americans!" "Fellow Americans..." "The Righteous Flock denounces you." "You have no part in this." "The God-fearin' members of the Klan support this action." "The mixin' of nigger and Injun blood must stop." " God, I think I'm gonna puke." " Me too." "Go on, get out of here!" " The Righteous Flock denounces this..." " Sister, please!" "Friends, tomorrow night there will be a giant rally here at Angel Beach to announce future steps we will take to preserve moral decency." "Amen!" "Amen, brother!" "The Loyal Order ofthe Klan will be there!" " Here comes the son of a bitch." " Pretend you understand why he did it." " What are you talkin' about?" " Just do it!" "I'll explain later." " This is exhausting!" " All tuckered out from playin' hardball?" "I was afraid you were gonna misunderstand." "I had to make a tactical retreat." "If I'd hung in there, you'd have no friend in court." "Friend in court?" "Gee, that has a familiar ring." "I said "retreat," not "surrender."" "He's a fanatic." "Give him two weeks, he's gonna bury himself." " Right after the election, hm?" " Yeah." "Apparently you don't believe me, but I was working in your best interests." "Look, votes don't mean a thing to me if I can't maintain my own integrity." "Look, we understand." "It's not the end ofthe world." "Everybody's just a little disappointed." "I know. I understand." "Wendy, let me talk to you. I want to explain what it is I'm trying to accomplish," " then you can relay it to the fellas." "OK?" " OK." "I know what he's trying to accomplish." "Mrs Balbricker, be silent!" "I have spoken on this matter." "What is at stake justifies anything we have to do." "Well, then, I won't be there. lt's indecent." "Remember, he who is not with me is against me." "Bubba!" "Tell us, Reverend." "Friends, it's OK. lt's all right." "Don't forget tomorrow night." " This is more fun than puttin' on a play." " Bite your tongue." "OK, guys." "What are we gonna do?" "Well, I think for once we should be thoughtful, mature and adult." "No, no." "Tommy's right." "We got a problem. lt's time we grew up and we solved it in an adult manner." "Right." "Let's go right to the top." "What would Eisenhower do ifthe Russians behaved as the Righteous Flock has?" " Cut the fuckers' nuts off." " Right." " Any more questions?" " Not a one." " Let's get backstage for battle plans." " Yeah." " And him too!" " l don't like him." " What did he have to say?" " Nothing much." " He's takin' me to dinner." " Dinner?" "He's takin' me to a nice, discreet restaurant down in Miami." " What are you up to?" " Revenge." "What are you up to?" " Sounds good to me." " Yeah, but this time no explosives." " l don't get it." " Nobody tells me nothin'." "Commissioner." "Commissioner, you're takin' that kid to dinner?" "Just gonna put another notch in my six-shooter." "For God's sake, we have an election in just over a week." "Don't worry." "I'm takin' her all the way to Miami." "But, Commissioner, she is only 17 years old." "Oh, yeah?" "Then I'll only put half a notch in my gun." " l hope this is better than the last one." " At least we can see this one." "Wow!" "Look at that fancy costume!" "That guy's wearing argyle socks." "Must be a high-budgetjob." "This director must be the Cecil B De Mille of pussy film." "Man, that woman is ugly." "Hose her down, boy!" "Hose her down." "Look at them tits." "Holy shit!" "Look at the dick on that son of a bitch!" "Mayor, that guy's dork is bigger than yours." "Hey, mayor!" "Ifyou had a cape like that, you could give your secretary a flyin' fuck." "Look at thatsnatch!" "Did ReverendFlavelapprove ofthis one?" "Approve ofit?" "Are you shittin'me?" "He gave me this one!" "That stuff looks like diarrhea." "Only worse." "And now for the grand experiment." "Oh, no." "Wait a minute." "As you know, I am the barf inspector." "I gotta make sure it has exactly the right plop." "Barf inspector comin' through!" "Excuse me." "Careful." " This couldn't happen to a nicer guy." " X marks the spot." "Let her rip!" " Right in the eye." "OK, more corn." " Corn." "Corn." "Please, madame." "At La Fontana di Voglio, everyone waits." "Please, to the back ofthe line." "Merci, thank you very much." " Ah, Monsieur Gebhardt." " Alex." "How good to see you, monsieur." "We are expecting a guest this evening, I presume?" "You presume correctly." "And at what time is your sister arriving?" "Or is it your cousin this time?" " Actually, this one's more like my niece." " But of course, monsieur." "Of course." " ls everything all set?" " All set." " This is gonna be good." " Go get 'em, Billy." " ls my hood on straight?" " Can you see?" " Yeah." " Then your hood's on straight, stupid!" "Everybody's a fuckin' comedian." " They oughta be here soon." " l'm goin' down the road." "You be careful!" "Where the hell are they?" "They sh..." "OK, guys, be careful." "Where's Mickey?" "Where the hell is he?" " Hey, you Klan pricks!" " OK, guys." "Let's go." "Yeah, you." "Why don't you boys go on home and choke your chicken and beat your kids?" "That's your speed." "Excuse me." "Have you met my friend Meat?" "Go screw your wives!" "You'll have to wake 'em up and tell 'em what you're doin', though." "Forget him." "Let's get to the meetin'." "Hey, where you goin'?" "The rally's this way." "Shortcut." "What the hell is goin' on here?" "Evenin', boys." " Howdy." " Welcome, fellas." "We thought you might like to meet our friend." "Say what?" "Yeah, I remember him." "You did a mighty fine job on him, Eustace!" "The stingy little fucker wouldn't leave no tip." "Well, now, in lieu of a tip, why don't we just return the favor?" "Louisville tit?" "What did he say?" " What did you say, boy?" " Why don't we give you a trim?" "Oh, you snotnoses are gonna give us a trim?" " Us and a few of our friends." " A few ofthese friends here." "Well, you better bring the army, boy." "Bring the whole fuckin' US cavalry." "Actually, we had something slightly different in mind." " Oh, yeah?" " Oh, yeah." "Aw, shit!" "They're all fuckin' Indians." "Aw, shit." "Oh, that's a lot of lnjuns." "They ain't happy." "These lnjuns ain't happy." "Well, now." "Don't be shy." "Excuse me." "Hi." "In view ofyour status in the community, we've imported a special gentleman to give you your clip." " Allow me." " l'd like you to meet Brian Schwartz." "He's Jewish." "He's our mohelfor the day." "What, you may ask, is a mohel?" "Good question." "A mohel is a Jewish barber." " But not exactly." " Ask him what a mohel is exactly." " Come on!" " Go on, ask him." " What in hell's a mohel?" " l thought you would never ask." "Do you remember when you had your bris?" "Probably a barbecue and a bris in your case." " Go on, ask him what a bris is." " What in the fuck is a bris?" "Good question." "Well, a bris is a circumcision, and a mohel is a man who performs a bris or circumcision." "And this instrument is a zemel." "And a zemel is used by a mohelto perform the bris." " Would you hold that?" " Absolutely." "Now, this zemel has been used to chop off literally hundreds offoreskins." " Hundreds." " Amen." "What better to shave the heads of a bunch of pricks like you?" " The fuck you will!" " That's it." "Sit down, Ansell." "Sit down." "Line up, boys." "Say, now." "This is gettin' out of hand here, boys." "Let's talk this over, OK?" "I tell you what we're gonna do." "We're gonna let you offthis time, OK?" "You're gonna get out of here and we don't wanna see you around here no more." " That a deal?" " Yeah, now that's fair, ain't it?" "You gotta admit, that is fair." "Nah." "Line up, boys." "We'll most certainly have to retire this zemelafter this job." " Madame, we'll wait." " That will be grand." "You sly devil. I just can't stand it." "I'll have you know I'm the guest of Big Bobby Gebhardt," "County Commissioner of Seward County." " You better take me to his table pronto." " What is the problem?" "I happen to be the guest of Big Bob Gebhardt," "County Commissioner of Seward County, and a very big deal." "You better take me to his table pronto." " Are you sure it's Commissioner Gebhardt?" " Move it, dildo breath!" "Giddyup!" "Whoa, what an ass!" "Bobby!" "Oh, Bobby!" "Little Bobby Gebhardt, where are you?" "It's your little snatchy-poo!" "What are you waitin' around for?" "Roll 'em out!" "Git along, little dogies." "We're here, jackass!" "Bobby." "Baby." "Oh, my God." "What are you doin'?" "Are you crazy?" "I'm crazy for you, you big horse." "I want a drink." "Gar-con!" "Gar-con!" "What's the matter?" "Don't you speak French?" "Yeah." "Oui, oui." "Well, get me a drink. lt's my birthday today." "I'm 17 today." "Golly, 17!" "Don't say 17." "Sweet 17 and never been kissed." "That kid is 23. 20." "Where does the time go?" "Why, do you realize I was only 14 when we first met?" "I don't know her. lsn't this crazy?" "It was so romantic. I was a Brownie in his wife's Girl Scout troop." " You swine!" " Gimme a Shirley Temple." "It's my niece." "She does it all the time." "You should have seen her last year at the Elks Club." "Hey, what are you doin' with my boa?" "Are you some kind of sickle?" "Pervert!" "Very cute." "Well, I'm leaving." "Get out ofthat chair and I'll yell "rape."" " You'll what?" " l'll yell "rape."" "You're bluffing." "Oh, Bobby, don't leave me." "I can't have our baby alone." "My daughter's so funny." "She's just wild." "How's that grab you?" "Now sit there and take your medicine." "She never stops." "She's so wicked." "Yes, that's it." "That's right, brother." "Let's all stand up for Jesus." "Till every foe is vanquished" "And Christ is Lord indeed" "Stand up, stand up for Jesus" "Ye soldiers ofthe cross" "Lift high his royal banner lt must not suffer loss" "From victory unto victory" "His army shall he lead" "Till every foe is vanquished" "And Christ is Lord indeed" "Thank you, brothers, for that inspirational hymn about Jesus." "And now, friends, as I was say..." "As I was sayin'..." "Good Lord." " ls this part ofthe show?" " l don't know." " What a bunch of assholes." " Do you recognize any ofthem?" "Hold it!" "Hold, I say." "Stand, I say." "Behold, the spawn of Satan." "The bowels of perdition." " Hear my words. I speak salvation." " Right, get ready." " l speak redemption." " Now!" "Verily I say this to thee." "Holy shit!" "Look at the dick on thatson ofa bitch!" "Mayor, thatguy's dork is bigger than yours." "Hey, mayor!" "Ifyou hada cape like that, you couldgive yoursecretarya flying'fuck." " Look at thatsnatch!" " Oh, mother." " DidReverendFlavelapprove ofthis one?" " You scum!" "Approve?" "Hell, ReverendFlavelgave me this one!" "I can explain it to you." "Let me tell you." "It's all right. I swear it's gonna be OK." "It's the goddamn communist..." "Those sons of bitches..." "You son of a bitch!" "You get out of here." "I told you to get out!" "I tell ya, it's gonna be OK." "Aw, shit!" "God, I needed that." "Oh, don't worry." "Commissioner Gebhardt'll pay for it." "He's county commissioner of Seward County, for piss sakes." "You don't think he's gonna stick ya for a 50-cent drink, for piss sakes?" "Hey, waiter!" "Put shitface's drink here on Commissioner Gebhardt's bill." "For piss sakes, he's up for reelection in two weeks." "Do you think he needs this shit?" " She's crazy." " Your ass sucks canal water, buddy." "Oh, there's my Shirley Temple." "Hey, where's my cherry?" "Who got my cherry?" "Bobby." "Bobby, I lost my cherry." "Bobby, did you get my cherry again?" "You saucy little devil." "You can't get a girl's cherry twice." "You sly goose." "Oh, my God." "Oh, Bobby." "Bobby, I think I'm gonna be... sick." "Don't be sick." "Bobby, I am. I'm gonna be..." "Not the pool." "No, not the pool." "Back to Howard Johnson's." "Boy, it sure tastes better goin' down." "Well, I feel better now." "Bye." "Oh, my bag." "Well, farewell!" "Ben, what's goin' on?" "I will sue you!" "You will not have a pot to piss in!" "Look!" "My tit!" "You broke my tit!" "I'm gonna sue you!" "Where are my lawyers?" " Come on, boys." "Pictures!" "I want pictures!" " Say "l'm ruined."" " Oh, shit." " Another one." "More pictures." "This is nice." "Good luck in the election." "I'll see you at the polls." "This is the most disgusting display I have ever seen." "What a dump!" "We're leaving." "We're offto see the Wizard" "The wonderful Wizard of Oz" "Because, because, because" "Because ofthe wonderful things he does" "We're offto see the Wizard..." " Good luck in the election, Commissioner." " Let me discuss the issues with you." " Commissioner Couch." "Republican." " Yeah." "Good luck in the elections." "Wait!" "Wait, don't go." "Stop!" "Don't go." "Wait!" "Stop!" "April Fool!" "What the hell are you hittin' me for?" "Lady, I'm warnin' you." "Don't hit me no more..." "Well, I warned you." "Don't just lie there all spread-eagled like that. lt looks obscene." "You are a disgrace to the profession." "You are...je ne sais quoi... relieved of duty." "I am the new maît re de La Fontana di Voglio."