"( scratching )" "( glass shatters )" " ( whispers ) Come on, 99." " ( whispers ) Right, Max." "Nothing looks disturbed, 99." "Looks like we got here before KAOS." "Then the formula must still be here, Max." "No, 99." "Dr. Harper never put that formula down on paper." "When he died a half hour ago, that formula died with him." "Well, then what are we supposed to be looking for?" "Well, our job is to find a nuclear fuel, then get a sample of it, take it back to the CONTROL lab and have it analyzed." "Well, how do we know what it's gonna look like?" "Well, it's a red liquid, and it'll be in a quart container." "A quart?" "You mean that's all there is in existence?" "Yes, and it took 'em 10 years to make that much." "But that quart has enough power to send a rocket to the moon and back 25 times." "( gasps ) We'd better start searching, Max, and fast." "Right, 99." " ( crashes )" " Max!" "Are you all right?" "Shh!" "Keep your voice down, 99!" "We don't want everybody to know we're here." " Look at this, 99." " Did you find the fuel?" "No, I found a salami." " So what?" " "So what?"" "What would Dr. Harper be doing with a salami in his laboratory?" "To make himself a sandwich, I guess." "No, 99." "That's exactly what Dr. Harper would like the person who found this to think." "But after years of experience," "I've learned to look beneath the surface of the obvious." "No, 99, a man of Dr. Harper's brilliance and intelligence would have to have an ulterior motive for leaving a salami here." " Just as I thought." " What's in there, Max?" "Rye bread, mustard... pickles and this container." "What's in it?" "( sniffs ) Cherry soda." " Sour." " Sour cherry soda?" " Well, it's either that or gasoline." " ( gasps )" "Max!" "The rocket fuel!" "Would you try to calm down, 99!" " Where is it?" " In your hand, Max." "Ooh!" "This rocket fuel." "All right, hand it over." "KAOS has waited for this for a long time." "Now give it to me." "( grunting )" "( grunts )" "Max, are you all right?" "I'm fine, 99." "Oh, Max, he got away with the fuel." "No, he didn't." "( theme music playing )" "When it comes to Muscatel, no one can match the Bulmanian vineyards." "Yes, Mr. Ambassador," "I've been saving this for just such an occasion." "Thank you, sir." "How long have you been with us, Waterhouse?" "Four years, sir." "Four happy years." "To my faithful valet and trusted friend, may you be happy for the rest of your life." "Thank you, sir." "And as for you, Widow Waterhouse" "But, sir, I am not a widow." "( wheezing )" "( gags )" "Ah!" "As I was saying, Widow Waterhouse." "There, there, Widow Waterhouse." "Try to get hold of yourself." "But why have you poisoned my husband?" "Two days ago, your husband performed a valuable service for KAOS." "But then KAOS decided that... he knew too much." "And what is to become of me?" "You're being sent back to Bulmania." "Oh, no." "Not back to Bulmania." "The car is waiting for you in the driveway." "Goodbye." "( Mrs. Waterhouse crying )" "Just a moment." "Should you ever mention a word of what you've seen here today, please bear in mind that you have relatives living in Chicago." "Well, that's that." "Now we're the only two people in this country who know that the nuclear rocket fuel is hidden here in the embassy." "Splendid." "What else is on the agenda for this morning, Zachary?" "Well, at 10:30, you're dedicating the children's wing at the new hospital." "At 12:00 there's a luncheon with the peace council, and at 2:00 you're to meet the new valet and his wife the maid." "You hired them through the proper channels?" "Oh, yes." "And they've been thoroughly screened." "I do hope my new valet is as good as the late Mr. Waterhouse." " That was much better, Max." " What do you mean, it "was much better, Max"?" "That's the fourth time I've fallen down." "How could it be much better?" "This time, you got all the way to the stairs." "Chief, it's no good." "I can't walk around with my head held up high like that." "I'm not cut out to be a valet." "But, Max, you've got to learn." "That's how we're going to get inside the Bulmanian Embassy." "I don't understand it." "We know the formula is there." "Why don't we just walk in and take it?" "I wish it were that simple, Max, but there is such a thing as diplomatic immunity." "That embassy is the same as a little piece of Bulmania." "But how are we gonna get hired at the embassy, Chief?" "That's all been taken care of, 99." "( knocking )" "I'll get it." " Hi, Max." " Oh, hi, Larrabee." " Is the Chief here?" " He's right over there." "We've intercepted a message from the Bulmanian Embassy." " Good work, Larrabee." "Where is it?" " I swallowed it." " You what?" " I had to, I was being followed." "But I read it before I swallowed it, Chief." " Good, what did it say?" " I don't know, it was in code." " You didn't understand it?" " I could understand part of it, Chief." " The part that was written in English." " And what did that say?" ""Swallow this if you're being followed."" "( phone ringing )" "I'll get it." "Hello?" "Yes, mother." "What happened to your car?" "Oh, that's terrible!" "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow." "What is it, 99?" "Well, I can't go on the assignment with Max, Chief." "My mother can't come to babysit and I'll have to stay with the babies." "But 99, you've got to!" "A courier is coming to the Bulmanian Embassy tonight to take the rocket fuel out of the country!" "We've got to get it before the courier does!" "Well, Chief, somebody has to stay with the twins." "Larrabee and I will babysit." "You'd... do that for us, Chief?" "We'd be happy to, Max." "Chief, can I see ya for a second?" "What is it?" "( whispers )" "Larrabee, are you crazy?" "You can't ask them for money." "You two better get going, you don't have much time." "99, don't you worry about the twins." "They'll be in good hands." "Hand." "( door opens )" " What is it, Zachary?" " Maxwell and Nina are here, sir." "Ah, send them in." "The ambassador will see you now." "Sorry about that." "Don't bother, I'll get it." "( note plays )" "( note plays )" "Eh..." "I'll have that cleaned up in a jiffy." "Cease!" "Don't bother." "I understand." "It's your first day on the job and you're trying to make a good impression." "So why did you stop me?" "I expect you'll want to get settled immediately." "Zachary will show you to your quarters in a moment and explain your duties." "Would you please wait outside?" "Uh, yes, we want to get started right away." "Uh, come on, Nina." "I can't understand how the agency could send over a team like that." "Yes, it's hard to believe that anyone could be that inept." "I think I'll put him through a security check." "99, I've searched the whole house from top to bottom and there is no sign of the rocket fuel." "What about the wine cellar in the basement?" "Well, I tried to get in, but the door was locked." "Look, I'd better get this tea in to the ambassador." "But, Max, we've gotta find the key to the wine cellar." "Look, you serve the tea and I'll search the house." " Right, I'll keep him occupied." " Right, Max." "99:" "Max!" "Be careful!" "Don't worry, 99, I'll be careful." "( clattering )" " Sugar?" " Uh, yes, two." "Maxwell, we have a 48-piece tea service in this embassy." "You have about 104 now, sir." " Will there be anything else?" " No." "I would like you to polish the wineglasses on the buffet." "As you say, sir." "( phone ringing )" "Hello?" "Oh, yes." "Just a moment, please." "It's security with a new combination for the wall safe." "Behind the picture." "Take this down, Zachary." "Left 42, right 17, left 58, right 4, left 36." " Have you got that?" " Uh, yes, sir." "Thank you, security." "Memorize that, Zachary, then destroy the paper." "Yes, sir." "I almost forgot Senator Fillmore's cocktail party." "We'd better hurry, Zachary, or we'll be late." "Oh, Maxwell, we're going out for a few hours." "We shall dine at 8:00." "The trap is set." "I'll give him just two minutes to take the bait." "22 left... or... is that 22 right?" "17 right." "And 22 left." "Got it." "So!" " What are you doing over there?" " Uh, well, you told me to polish the glasses, sir." "Oh, yes, so I did." "I think you're going to be all right, Maxwell." "Thank you very much, Ambassador." "We seem to be low on wine." "( shatters )" "And glasses." "I'll go down to the wine cellar and get some more if you'd like, sir." "No, thank you." "I'll take care of that myself." "It's really no trouble at all, Mr. Ambassador." " I'd be glad to go down." " I'm the only one in this house permitted to go into the wine cellar, Maxwell." "Remember that." "There's really nothing to this." "All you need's a little practice." "That's all perfect." "Aren't we supposed to be doing this on the baby?" "We tried that, Larrabee, and it didn't work." "Now all I have to do is slip this on the baby." "( baby crying )" "We'll have you fixed up in a jiffy, sweetheart." "Larrabee, bring me the baby powder." "I couldn't find it, Chief, but I found this cornstarch." "( cooing )" "There we are." "Perfect." " ( phone ringing )" " That must be 99." "Hello." "Chief, it's 99." "Thank you." "Hello, 99." " Hello, Chief." "How are the twins?" " They're just fine, 99." "Hold on a minute, Chief." " What is it, Max?" " I found the key to the wine cellar." "It's around the ambassador's neck." " What is it, 99?" " Chief, we think that the rocket fuel is hidden in the wine cellar." "Max finally found the key, but unfortunately it's around the ambassador's neck." " What do you think you're doing?" " Well, you see, sir," "I've always felt that a good valet should see that his master is comfortable and relaxed, so I brought your pajamas." "In the first place, I have a great deal of work to do." "Secondly, I don't, as a rule, wear my pajamas unless I am in bed." "Oh." "Yes, well, why don't you take off your shirt, sir?" " You'd be a little cooler that way." " But the room isn't too warm." "Well-- well, how about taking your scarf and" "Will you stop fussing over me, Maxwell?" "!" "If you really want to be helpful, you may pour me a glass of wine." "Oh, you don't want a glass of wine, sir." " That'll just make you sleepy." " Maxwell!" "Well, if you take a glass of wine, you'll just doze off and go to sl-- s-- uh-- glass of wine, yes, sir." "That's a very good idea, sir." " Right away, sir." " And take that stuff with you." "This stuff, yes, sir." "Here we are, sir." "Ah, there's nothing like a glass of Bulmanian wine." "Ah, you look much better already, sir." "Here, have another one." "So many things require my personal attention, Maxwell-- paperwork as you can surely see." "( grunts )" "( slurring ) Thank you, Maxwell." "Now you sit down and have a little drink with me." "I want to talk to you." "Oh, I couldn't possibly do that, sir." " You see, I'm on duty." " Well, of course you could." "Now bring a chair, Maxwell, bring a chair." "I don't care what Zachary says," "I like you, Maxwell." "( laughing )" "Now we'll have a little of this fine wine." "Don't you think?" "There we are." "To me, Maxwell." "Uh, to me" " Maxwell." "Ah!" "Now then, this is a fine vintage." "The finest, I think, of all the Bulmanians." "( grunts ) To... you again, Maxwell!" "Eh-- w-- w-- hold it, sir." "W-w-why don't we drink to him?" " Him?" " Uh, yes, him." "Him... ah, yes!" "The grand duke-- to the grand duke!" "Ah, I never liked him much." "He's a bore." "Now then, just one more little drink, yes?" "One for you and one for me." "To Zachary!" "Uh, I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I couldn't possibly drink another drop." "Maxwell, in Bulmania, we measure the worth of a man by how well he holds his wine!" " ( grunts )" " To Zachary!" "Why not?" "( groans )" "A toast!" "There's no more wine." "I'll give you my key." "Where is my key?" "( groans )" "More wine!" "Maxwell, more wine." "One of these bottles is not wine, 99." "It's the rocket fuel." "But Max, there are hundreds of bottles here." "How are we ever gonna know which one the fuel's in?" "The one you have your hand on, Maxwell." "The one with the X on the label." " You're sober!" " Cold sober." "But I don't understand, that can't be." "You drank 21 bottles of wine." "How can you still be standing up?" "I have to stand up." "If I lie down, I get deathly ill." "Mr. Ambassador, the courier has just arrived." "Ambassador:" "Splendid." "Give him this rocket fuel." "It must be on its way to Bulmania tonight." "Right away." "Hold it..." "right there." "Any attempt to stop Zachary will result in your immediate demise." "And now the masquerade is over." "Your name, please." "Maxwell Smart of CONTROL." "Delighted to meet you, Mr. Smart." "And this charming lady... is Mrs. Maxwell Smart." "Ah, madam." " ( grunts )" " Good work, Max!" "Come on, 99." "We've gotta try and stop Zachary." "Max, wait a minute, I smell something." "Well, of course you smell something." "That man just drank 21 bottles of wine." "But Max, it smells like gasoline." " Gasoline?" " Max!" "That's the bottle with the rocket fuel!" "Well, then, that means that Zachary is on her way back to Bulmania with a bottle of plain red table wine." "And there's enough fuel left for CONTROL to analyze." "Yes, well, we've done it again, 99." "But no one is to know about this except us." " Hold this." "I'll check in with CONTROL." " Right, Max." "This is Maxwell Smart reporting in." "It is my pleasure to inform you that we have found Dr. Harper's rocket fuel." "The KAOS ambassador is our prisoner, and once again the forces of niceness and goodness have triumphed over the forces of evil and rottenness." "Huh?" "Oh, thank you." "Wrong number." "( theme music playing )"