"VLASTA BURIAN in" "LELICEK IN THE SERVICES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES" "Story by Screenplay by" "Directed by" "Directors of Photography" "Production Executive" "Music by" "Production Designer" "Audio System" "Sound Editor" "Made in the Studios" "Cast" "The double of King Fernando must be ready in 30 days." "Mendosa, Prime Minister of Puerto Rico." "James..." "Put my fiddle right." " Very good, sir." "James..." "You're old bad habit!" "Don't you read my correspondence." " Very good, sir." "Good morning." " Good morning, James." "Listen, don't tell Mr. Holmes but the housekeeper tells me that the Major's wife on the second floor couldn't sleep the whole night." "Me neither." " Really?" "And the professor underneath, he complained too." "He said Mr. Holmes was playing the fiddle the whole night." "He's in a horrible fix, that's why he keeps on playing this." "He's a hard case on hand..." "Something to do with a king." " A king?" "Yes, to find a double for him..." "You know, in case of an attempt on his life." ""Crossheads" 50 Crown Campaign of Czech Word." "The man marked with a cross should come to the newspaper office to collect a 50 crown bonus." "James, book me a ticket for Prague." "Very good, sir." "What can I get you, Mr. Lelicek?" "A hard one, eh?" "Yep." " One Pilsner!" "Just a moment." " What's the matter?" "Water, I said hard water." "Hard water." "Who'd have hard water on the tap in a coffee shop?" "At least soda water, eh?" "Alright, get me soda water, but without the bubbles, please." "Without bubbles." " So that I don't bob on the chair." "One small soda without bubbles." "What do we have here:" "Tailor - 276 276..." "Here's 50 and there's the tailor." "276 and how much is 50?" "276 and nothing, nothing is 50." "Nothing is 50, it means he'd get nothing." "Yes." "That's nothing." "The name is Machacek." "Then we have the shoemaker." "The shoemaker is 99." "Here's 99 and there's 50." "99 and how much is 50?" "99..." "let's say 100." "100." "99 and how much is 100?" "99 plus 1 is 100." "Well!" "So 1." "Then we have 1, he'll get 1 crown." "It's 99 and he'll get 1 crown." "He'd be offended." "He'll get nothing as well." "So, it's nothing." "Then we have the landlady." "The landlady is 47." "So 47 is the landlady." "How much is 47 and how much is 50?" "So 47, that's 47 and we take the Ludolphian number... 3.14, the square above the hypotenuse equals the sum o squares above both sides." "That's 47 and 3 is 50." "She'll get 3, then." "No, I'll get 3." "She'll pay me 3 crowns." "Booked with appreciation." "Well, that's settled." "Here's the water." "Anything else?" "I'll have black coffee." " One black coffee." "Yes, black, and wait." " Yes, sir." "Would you be so kind, sir..." "Yes." " If you'd see anyone here..." "A creditor or the sort of..." " I see." "If anyone asks for me, let me know with some signal." "What signal?" " Let's say a hiss." "Like that, eh?" " Very well, a hiss." "I know." "I'll be right here." "Yes, sir." "Here's the coffee." "Who was it?" " Nobody." "You didn't hiss?" " Me?" "No." "It startled me." "My creditors keep following me so much that the stairs to my flat are all beaten." "J.U.C. Frantisek Lelicek Eternal student." "Always stone broke!" "I left for a month!" "If you don't pay in three days, I'll file a criminal complaint." "Pay your debt, you bastard." "I've been here twenty times for 15 crowns." "I'm human too." "Here it is." " What?" "It's 5,40." " Is the train leaving then?" "No, that's how much black coffee costs." "That's how much black coffee costs... 5,40." "Pretty expensive." "I'm telling you for the last time, order must be kept." "Or you're fired." "And you get out of here." "That's how it is." "God has punished them for that." "ROXY CAFÉ" "He won big money in some contest." "He should pay, then!" " Very well." "We're going this way." " And we?" " You'll go around and I'm going first." "Be so kind and tell me is Mr. Lelicek here?" "No." "He doesn't come here any more." " He doesn't come here any more." "But I saw him here." " I thought I did too." "He must be here." " He surely must be here, we've..." "He's not here." " We'll come back in the afternoon." "We'll have to." "Ah!" "Mr. Lelicek." " What are you doing here?" "I thought I was in the shower." "Repay your debts!" "Pay us!" "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Sleeping in my feather beds for free." "Sleeping in my feather beds for free..." "If I were to sleep in your feather beds," "I'd have to sleep in the pawnshop!" "Will you pay us or not?" "I'm asking you not to remind me on public grounds!" "Why didn't you come to my flat?" " I did." "And was I home?" " You weren't." " Well?" "That's what I get for all I've done for you!" "I took care of you when you were ill." "So you took care of me, and when you sent your teeth for repair" "I was chewing your food!" "That's idle talk!" "We want our money!" "Just a moment!" "I've got money on me." "I'm going to that table over there," "I'll count it all and when I say ooh, you'll come over." "And keep quiet." "As I told you, when I say ooh, you'll all come over." "Alright, alright." "Let's hope it'll be correct." "Come, let's sit down over here." "What can I do for you?" "Do you know me?" "Oh my!" "You're cousin Pepe, aren't you?" "Detective." "Sherlock Holmes." "I see, Sherlock Holmes, you had a dog shop, hadn't you?" "I see, you were a dogcatcher, then." "No, wait, I know, it was the hound of Baskerville." "Yes." "I have splendid business for you." "Business." "You can have a lot of money from me, anything you want." "You mean lend?" "Or give?" "We can try it out." "Would you lend me ten crowns?" "Just a moment." "Twenty?" "One moment." "Fifty?" "One hundred?" "I'm just checking." "Still just checking." "It's not a definite amount." "What about five hundred?" "I beg you pardon, I'll just swallow." "What if I tell you to lend me a thousand?" "It sure is." "It's mine?" "You'll wince." "Is it mine?" "And would you give me another one?" "And three?" "Enough." "Be sensible." "I beg you, be sensible." "You're stuffing money into me as if I was a one-armed bandit." "Well, I can pay off my creditors now." "Learn Spanish Quickly and Easily" "Rosita is a wild southern heart, with limber body, raven hair and eyes so dark." "Who ever sees her winsome dance, his heart's evermore at chance." "Her ivory hips moving in the rhythm of the night, her loose hair flowing and her eyes filled with delight." "Love forever young is flowing into our hearts, filling us with dreams, desire and lust." "Rosita, Rosita, my dearest secret love, you're the one I dream of days and nights." "I'm kissing you all over, my charming twinkling star." "You are the whole world to me." "Rosita, Rosita, my dearest secret love, you're the one I dream of days and nights." "You will be mine till the end of our days, until the morning star sparkles in your eyes." "You will be mine till the end of our days, until the morning star sparkles in your eyes." "What song is that?" "It's my song, I wrote it for a girl of mine in the country." "I used to call it Maryska." "I mean the song, you know?" "It went like this:" "Maryska, Maryska..." "And now, it's Rosita, Rosita so that it fits for Spanish." "You ought to be learning then, I say." "So that you're fit for Spanish." "Oh this, of course." "I didn't know what you meant." "Mr. Holmes, I just have one more question." "I hope your educated mind shall forgive me." " Yes?" "Shall we eat now or later?" "All you worry about is food." " Only food." "I say, are you that hungry?" "No, I was just asking, you know." "And when are we supposed to be there?" " The day after tomorrow." "I've sent a telegram." "Is His Majesty still sleeping?" "Until eight o'clock." "Wake me up at 8.00 am." "Head cock-keeper, let the royal cock crow." "Hell's bells!" "Shall Your Majesty allow me." "Carramba!" "A bomb!" "One feels much safer here than in my bed." "Good morning, Your Majesty." "It was just a plate, Your Majesty." "Majesty..." "Your Majesty shall be soon relieved of fear from anarchists." "The double is on his way." "Not to get rusty." "What is the queen doing?" "I saw her in the garden, Your Majesty." "Was she alone?" "Alone, Your Majesty." " What an improvidence!" "Another incendiary article." "I'm not accepting any responsibility." "What is H.M. Fernando XXllI doing?" "Ayear has passed since the public last saw the King!" "Thus, it justly asks:" "Do we have a King - or not?" "Taxes are collected, the treasury is empty." "Disruptive elements are threatening with a revolution!" "Where's the toothbrush?" "Where have you put my toothbrush?" "It's cold." "Very cold." "Try it!" "Try it!" "I shall try it myself." "Breakfast is over." "To the dressing room." "Are you going to slap me, or what?" " No, I'm just looking at you." "You'll just have your moustache trimmed and it shall be just fine." "Please, Mr. Holmes." " Yes?" "Forgive me for being so daring with a view to your education." "But why did you engage me, what do you need me for?" "Well, I can tell you at last." "The King doesn't want to show himself in public, because he's afraid of bombs, anarchists and revolutionaries." "So to calm people down the government will show you as his imitation." " I see." "An imitation." "So the King is the expensive salami and I'm his cheap imitation." "That's how it is." "I'm supposed to be the dummy instead of the King, eh?" "Oh no, I'm not doing it for the money." "Never." "Come here, Lelicek, look, stop making trouble." "Why should I be doing this?" "Look, you can lead a swell life." "How can I lead a life, if I'm shot?" "Come here, let me explain." " Explain." "Look, in the morning you will..." "Sit down!" "You'll get up at eight and go on a ride." "I see." "But it seems you left out breakfast." "Am I leave hungry?" "You'll have breakfast, then." " Breakfast." "And can I eat anything I wish?" " Anything you wish." "Coffee for example." " Yes." "With pork milk." " Yes." "An ostrich egg in a glass." " Yes." "I wouldn't say no to that!" "What else should I do?" "The audience is at ten o'clock." " The audience." "Can I eat it?" "No, you shall give it." " I see." "You shall accept prominent people." "What a gent, eh?" "And at noon..." " It's time for lunch." "Yes." " Lunch?" "Lunch." "A lunch at court consists of..." "Where, in the court?" "They serve lunch in the courtyard?" "No, a lunch a court consists of..." " At court." "A lunch at court consists of several courses." "You mean they're playing golf at the courses and tennis at the court?" "No I mean meal courses." " But you said several courses." "Several meals." " Meals." "That's like at home, isn't it?" "Soup, meat and dessert and so on, am I right?" " Yes." "I can have anything I wish too." "Could I have for example stuffed swan necks?" "Long ones." " Yes." "And King Cake?" "That's not bad." "And what else?" "Then you reign." " I reign all day?" "From dawn till dusk." " You don't say!" "On Sunday too?" "Yes." " Wow!" "The mace will be all covered with sweat." "That's the queen." "This is her?" "Afine lady." "At home we'd call her a dolly." "Tremendous, eh?" "Does she have a double too?" "Yes." "She's coming tomorrow." " What a pity!" "Don't be sorry." "You'd never stand a minute with the true queen." "She knows how to put her foot down." "Is this the King Fernando?" "I'm not surprised that people lose respect for a King, who is afraid to show himself!" "Am I some figurine to be shown in public?" "I am the ruler." "You don't even rule yourself!" "A King like you is only good for showing." "And you have me for nothing else than for showing as well." "What do I have from our marriage?" "We have no heir to the throne." "I am..." " You're milksop, not a man!" "My subjects don't love me, there's treachery everywhere." "Stop it, promise me that from today, you shall be a true sovereign." "And you shall find in me a faithful, loyal and loving woman." "I am asking for the last time, what shall Your Majesty do today during the mayors' homage?" "I'll leave, because I foresee an assassination." "The King must fulfil his duties whatever the circumstances may be!" "Life has precedence." "I shall leave secretly this afternoon, if you wish, you may accompany me." "Else I shall leave alone." "I shall stay here." "And from this window I shall look, whether you enter the balcony and whether you stay there until the end of the homage." "Or else..." " Or else?" "It will be the end between us." "Splendid." "Weren't you a barber, Mr. Holmes, before getting into the detective business?" "Remarkable resemblance." "Gentlemen, I think he could start this afternoon." "Yes." " It is necessary." " That would be best, wouldn't it?" "Because the King refuses to appear before his people today." "This gentleman shall take his place." "Mr..." "Salami." "Imitation." "Dummy." "Besides, we want to photograph the King for stamps." "You mean like rubber stamps?" "Postage stamps." " I see." "We'll publish an anniversary issue." " Hmm." "Let us..." " Very well." " Let's repeat the etiquette lesson." "Yes, we could repeat a lesson in in er... petty..." "What?" "Etiquette." " I remember, now." "Show us the royal walk." " Yes." "Well..." "Your Majesty, allow me to introduce the Minister of Education, professor Don Pedro Rodriguez." "I am very pleased to meet you, professor, and to be able to greet you in your scholastics." "Glad to meet you." "Allow me to decorate you with the Order of the Golden Spelling Book." "There." "You will say: "I am pleased to meet you"." "Yes." "I am pleased to meet you." "I knew it at once that he's a scholar, cause he forgot his umbrella here." "Shall we proceed." "Your Majesty, allow me to introduce the Director of the Railways, Don Pedro de Vasal." "Oh yes, the Railway Director." "Pleased to meet you." "May I ask how your steam is hissing?" "Shh!" " Like this, eh." "It seems the director's hair turned grey from waiting for a late train." "Allow me to decorate you with the Order of the Stuffed Tunnel." "There." "Your Majesty, Signorita Pepita Develés, the Spanish dancer." "This?" " Yes." "Oh, Miss, I am so pleased to meet you." "I like dancing." "I jig myself." "The Order of the Castanets." "Miss?" " Yes." " Castanets?" " Order." "An interesting dancer, eh?" "Her legs are twisted from all that dancing." "Will you allow me to decorate you?" "Beautiful chestnut dancer." "Everything is fine, except for a few details." "Let us go now, gentlemen." "Don't forget to send this gentleman..." " Imitation, please." "Yes." "To the palace in the morning." " We'll come." "We'll be there." "And most importantly, don't forget that we're the only ones who know that the King and the Queen have their doubles." "Didn't I act like a king, eh?" "You certainly did not." " I didn't?" "No." " Come in." "Wait a moment, that's not the way to do it." "Put it on your lap." "On my lap." "Caution, what if it's poisoned?" "We must examine it." "It doesn't seem poisoned." " No." "What are you doing?" "I'm telling you it can be poisoned and you're eating it!" "Mr. Holmes, we don't know, whether it's poisoned." "If I fall to the ground you'll know it at once." "Did you learn the French and English toast?" "As you told me?" " Yes." "I couldn't learn it, Mr. Holmes." "Why not?" "It's very difficult for me." "Isn't there?" "Isn't there any other way?" "Let's say that I would..." "That I'd just say something." "Nobody will see the difference anyway, or will they?" "They'll be ashamed, won't they?" "I can say anything." "And how you expect to do that?" "Let me show you, how I'll do it in French." "That's brilliant!" "How did you learn the French accent?" "The accent?" "I learned it with a clothes peg." "This way." "Just a moment." "I'll show you how." "Well?" "Would you like to hear it in English?" "All right." "Will it work?" "And my accent?" "A hot potato in my mouth." "A hot potato does the trick." "Look." "Well?" "Was it alright?" "See, don't worry." "It may not look that good now, but as soon as I get into a uniform," "Mr. Holmes, it will instantly add the majesty." "You can't get anything better for your money." "On the whole, I look really smart, Mr. Holmes." "Though it's not very comfortable to walk in." "Couldn't we make these drip flaps a bit shorter, these spoons, you see." "Water will pour in, when it rains." "Couldn't we somehow?" "No, we could not." " We couldn't." "I know." "It has to stay like this." " And what about this?" "Well." "It's not correct this way." "That's not the way they wear it." "Allow me, one moment." " One moment." "Wait." "That's my nose." " This is how they wear it." "This way." "You must help yourself." "And what about this?" " This has to go up." "Like this." " Yes." " Am I supposed to hold it?" "No, it must be stiffened, you can't hold it yourself." "Stiffened." " Yes." "That's interesting." "It doesn't matter, I look swell." " Seems you do." "I tell you, Mr. Holmes, you can be fully content with me." "Nobody else would do it for the money." "If I were walking down the square back home, kids would kneel, everything would stop." "Even the clock on the town hall." "Is it tea time?" " No, it's the King." "The King." " Just a moment." "Hullo, Mr. Holmes." "How do you do?" "Well, thank you." "Leave us alone, will you?" "I'm not afraid any more." "That's very nice of you to come." "I've been living in so much fear, the anarchists are constantly intriguing and hatching plots against me, you know." "I even had a bomb in my toothbrush the other day." "That's outrageous." " It is, isn't it?" "And do you have the double here?" " Indeed, Sire." "It's splendid." "I am terribly sorry for him." "You should've brought four at least, as this one won't survive till dinner." "Is he there?" "Let us go in." " After you." "What remarkable resemblance, it almost startled me." "You are a fine man." "I pity you." "But take care of yourself." "Don't worry, Majesty, I'm only scared of the chimney sweeper, but he must come in the morning, when I'm still sleepy." "Thank you." "Though take a ring mail just in case." "Majesty, that's my hat." "As I was saying..." "For heavens' sake, Lelicek, you look like a fool!" "I've told you a thousand times that the brush has to be upwards, and not hanging down like this." "Why are you yelling at me?" " I must yell at you." "I'm leaving in the afternoon, I've had enough of this." "Pardon me, you're not going anywhere." "Excuse me, I have to follow him at once." " Just a moment..." "I must go after him, Majesty." " Why?" "He might do something foolish." " Just a moment." "He was the real King." " That one?" "Sure, that was him." "Mr. Holmes swallowed the bait, you see." "You're not..." " I'm not." "You are?" " I am." "An imitation!" "Did the King decide to show himself to the people?" "He did." "Everything is going just fine, assassination is well premeditated." "The King will blow up and we'll declare the republic." "And who will rule?" " I will, of course." "I will." "I will!" "I would be so happy, if the King appeared in public." "I feel a decisive moment is coming." "For the monarchy and for me." "How will the King behave?" "The King is coming." "The King!" "The King!" "Be so kind and tell me what are they fiddling down there." "What are the chaps playing?" "The national anthem, Your Majesty." "The national anthem?" "How can they play such a sad tune?" "How can the people be happy?" "Allow me, I order the national anthem to be remade to a merry tune." "But that's not possible, Your Majesty." "Announce a contest for a new anthem." "And I shall select the best one, because I understand music." "But Your Majesty, we would have to summon the whole cabinet." "Summon the cabinet, then." "It's not even necessary." "All the secretaries are over there." "I'll settle it with them right now." "Secretaryships!" "Gentlemen, we will have a new anthem." "And I advise you that no one shall protest." "I'm saying no one, because it would make me very angry." "Hey, why are you running away?" "Come here!" "Gentlemen!" "What in the world is this?" "The water has gone wild down there." "That's a part of the ceremony, Your Majesty." "What a dance, eh?" "Is it traditional?" "Indeed, Your Majesty." " Marvellous." "Some pace, eh?" "It's magnificent." "Conchita, Conchita!" "He loves me." "He really does." "He is showing, how a true King should act." "And that's all?" "Yes, Your Majesty." "And now, we shall go to the photographer." " What for?" "We shall take photographs of Your Majesty for stamps." "Does it look well from this side?" "It is excellent, Your Majesty." "Give me that brush, I'll groom myself a little bit." "Pardon me, Sire, at the back." " What?" "That's just fine." "And tell me, will it hurt when they hit me at the post office with that... rubber stamp?" "I hope not." "Not in the least, Your Majesty." " Shall we begin?" "Come on." "Your Majesty, try not to smile, please." "Why not?" " Afrown would be better." "It's a cheap stamp and only the poor buy it." "I see, so I should frown at the poor." "Quite on the contrary!" "I'll smile on a cheap stamp and frown on the more expensive ones." "But, Your Majesty." " Keep quiet!" "And if you annoy me, I'll have stamps made worth a hundred bucks and I'll frown on them with all my royal family." "It will be so big that you won't be able to lick it with two tongues." "Take your picture, lensman." " Yes." "Caution!" "One, two, three." "Thank you." "Your Majesty, please." "Mount the horse." "Oh yes." "This way, Your Majesty." "Allow me, Your Majesty." "Oh, my hat." "The first stamped issue of the new postage stamps, Majesty." "Atruly royal appearance." "And how kind he seems on these stamps, where he's smiling." "I believe that these stamps are a sign of better times for our kingdom." "And where is the King?" " He's up and running since seven o'clock." "He saw the guards, scolded all the secretaries and threw half of them out of the palace." "He's in his study now." "Who's this old hag?" "That's Your Majesty's ancestor, Queen Elizabeth the Terrible." "Thank God it's only a piece of her." "The whole of her would be terrible." "Leave us alone, will you?" "We must get to work." "Is this the King's table?" "What a horrible mess!" "We must settle these at once, I'll do it myself." "Your Majesty, we ask for funding to buy a new fire-engine, if we fail, we shall be forced to take a desperate step and organize a charity concert." "You'd better give them the engine." "I am a genius and an inventor and I approach Your Majesty with a request..." "He needs a hundred thousand dollars." "He owns a patent for a hiking cane that turns into a tourist cabin by pressing a button." "For two people." "He wants to con me with a cane, eh?" "Nothing." "What is this?" "It's some preserved papyrus roll, isn't it?" "It's also an appeal, Your Majesty." "An appeal?" " Yes." " It must be very old then." "Some fifty years." "An appeal from Christopher Columbus' asking for an egg to make it stand on end must surely be somwhere here too." "The audience is ready, Your Majesty." "Oh yes, the audience." "It is there." "Put it on." "The mace." "The pear, I mean the pome." "You shall meet the Queen now." "The Queen?" " Yes." " The real one?" " No." "Her dummy?" " Yes." " We'll be two dummies, then." "But you must treat her as the true queen." "I am ready, let the anthem sound." "I wave my hand." "Is this what they call a merry anthem, it's like at a funeral." "If you don't play a merry anthem, I'll lock the piano and eat the key." "What are you doing?" "People are here." " Where, what?" "Everywhere." "Does a King behave like that?" "Behave like what?" "I did nothing." " Did or not..." "I have to speak to her." " I'll arrange a meeting." "Today?" " Today." "Upon your word?" " Upon my word." "If not, I'll tell them I'm Lelicek and you'll be facing a scandal." "I Emperor and King, hereby declare this anthem official." "And where are the lyrics?" "Hold it, hand... er, page." "The Emperor himself shall sing it first." "In Puerto Rico, King Fernando reigns both with wisdom and zest." "Wishing that everyone succeeds and works at their best." "We pray to God to save the King and our blessed homeland." "May the sun shine every hour of the day on our gracious sovereign." "Decree" "His Royal Majesty and King of Puerto Rico by the grace of God, hereby announces to all his subjects the following reforms for the well-being of the country and its people." "1) The new state anthem shall sound forthwith in the fields and woods." "2) Atwo day holiday is hereby granted to the childern to learn the anthem." "A) Army bands from every garrison shall play the anthem for two days on town squares." "B) Whereas wine from state cellars shall be distributed to the public free of charge." "C) Access to all state woods is permitted (also off trails)." "D) Also to lovers without a marriage certificate." "3) Distraint of the insolvent due to tax arrears shall be ceased forthwith." "He is in love with you, you should not be so resentful." "Don't forget that I have been engaged only to stand in for the Queen in public." "You must comply with me and meet him at least once." "Look at what a savage he is." "How he's behaving." "Alright, but that's his temperament." "If the real Queen saw him like this, she would like him." "I liked the King today very much." "I've never seen him so temperamental." "Conchita, I must speak to him." "You shall give my letter to the King." "What a beast, sir, what a bull." "I can't believe that it's a real bull." "I'm telling you, Mr. Holmes, there are two men inside that costume." "A real bull would never do such hubble-bubble." "At home, we have a bull funded by the municipal council." "And all he ever does is sleep." "But this one's different." "I want four pounds of that bull for dinner." "Excellent." "Long live the King!" "Vivat!" "Fernando, Fernando!" "Dearest Fernando, come to my bedroom at once." "You've arranged that splendidly, Mr. Holmes." "What?" " So out of the blue, eh?" "What?" " Here." "Splendid." "What did I do?" "You wished to speak to me, Mr. Holmes?" "Please." "Are you not satisfied with my role as the Queen?" "On the contrary, I'm quite satisfied." "We have other matters to discuss." "Delicate matters." "Fernando." "I have a terrible headache." "My head is on fire." "Of course." "Without the glove..." "Darling, give me a new compress." "As you wish." "Sometimes migraine poultice also helps." "Quite a lot." "Oh my, it's my glove, just a moment." "Oh dear, that's my second one." "So, here it is." "Patience." "Oh yes." "Do you feel my heart beating?" "I do, and mine too." "What?" " Yes." "Both our hearts." "I like him." "But I'm afraid of his temperament." "To be frank I imagined the King's double quite differently." "Someone more princely." "You'll get used to it." "Once you've committed yourself to play the role of the queen, there's nothing to be done." "What's the matter, darling?" "Now I have a headache." "As soon as they play the first part of the anthem, you'll see how the devil's machine hidden in this gramophone works." "Gentlemen, this was nothing, just a small demonstration." "But as soon as a sufficient dose of ecrasite is there..." "Not even the moustache will be left of the King." "Enough, carramba!" "At seven, we'll show the ropes to the King." "And what if you don't?" "I'll show the ropes to you by seven." "The bird's in the cage!" "The beginning is better." "I like the ending as well, but the beginning is much better." "Gentlemen, come closer, you can't hear a thing over there." "Come." "And what about you at the back?" "Come closer." "As I was saying the beginning is much better." "Come closer, gentlemen, you can't hear a thing from there." "Right here." "And what about the other gentlemen?" "Come here." "Majesty, the etiquette does not allow us." "Forget about the etiquette." "Why should you care about it?" "The Ceremony Master took a day off, so just come here." "Your Majesty, it is really better at the beginning." "I said it was the best, but we must let it play till the end at least once." "One moment." "Good heavens!" "What is this?" " The devil's machine." "Don't scream!" "Be quiet!" "I'll never stand in for a queen whose life is at stake." "Not for a million!" "Wait." "I'm not going to wait for them to kill me!" "I'm not staying here for another minute." "For God's sake, wait!" "My Lady, madam!" "What happened?" " The dummy ran off." "That's no tragedy, we'll find another one." "You don't have to, Mr. Holmes, because the real Queen is quite satisfied with me." "The real Queen?" " The real one." "Don't tell me you've mixed them up?" " I didn't, but she did." "That's a terrible mishap." " Why should it be?" "We don't need to tell anyone, do we?" " We mustn't tell anyone!" "That's a good idea." "We mustn't tell anyone!" "That's the way it is." "And we shall pledge our word of honour not to tell anyone." "Splendid." "Here's mine." " And here's mine." "Good heavens, Mr. Holmes, it hit him to his dining room." "Your Majesty, the anarchists have been disposed of as they deserve." "What you mean?" " As they deserved." "That's something else." "Today is as festive as the coronation." "Everyone is so happy that the King survived." "Is the Queen ready?" " Ready and happy, Your Majesty." "Shall we go, then?" "News has just arrived that King Fernando is dead." "That's too bad." "This means I should go and lie in the cemetery instead of him." "You don't have to." "Pack all your things, take your case and your derby and go home." "That's the wisest thing to do." "I have a better idea." "Look, the Queen got used to me, the people love me, why couldn't I stay here as the King?" "You can't." "You're Lelicek and not the King." "Who?" " You." " Me?" " Of course." "I'll scream it from the window." " But, Majesty!" "Be sensible." "Hereby, I declare myself as the King, definitely." "You can't declare to be a King yourself." "Realize that you're Lelicek and not the King." "I'm no Lelicek, I'm the King." "Should I scream it out of the window?" " Wait, Your Majesty." "Report to me." "What is your order, Sire?" "Take your magnifying glass, hat and pipe and find my double." "My imitation." "Not that I'm afraid of anything, but for my comfort." "The Queen is waiting with lunch." "THE END"