"All ready?" "Yes, sir." "( muffled cries ) Newkirk." "LeBeau's ready to move out." "We need a diversion." "Righto." "Righto, Colonel." "Sleepy, Grandma?" "Leave off." "Get going." "Be careful." "Don't get yourself shot." "In this outfit, could you blame 'em?" "Halt!" "Halt!" "( alarm sounds )" "( dogs barking )" "Nein, nein, nein." "The Englander." "He's sleep-walking." "Wake up, Newkirk." "Newkirk... ( alarm ringing, dogs barking )" "Wake up." "Oh, Fraulein." "Oh, Fraulein, ich liebe dich." "Ich..." "No, no, stop." "You can't come with me." "I'm only going to dig for mushrooms." "Bismarck..." "Kaiser..." "sit, sit, sit." "Good, now stay." "If you're good, I'm going to bring you back a cat." "All right, boys and girls, to the kennel." "Guten Abend." "Ich bin Deutsch?" "Your German is terrible." "Hey, what are you doing?" "All right, sound off, buddy." "Who are you?" "Corporal LeBeau." "I'm digging for mushrooms." "That's cute." "No, it's true." "Every Friday we have sauce La Champignon on our boiled potatoes." "I'm a P.O.W." "Yeah?" "Who won the World Series in 1940?" ""Who won the World Series..."" "How do I know?" "Ask me who was at the Folies Bergere in l940." "That I know." "You're a P.O.W.?" "Yes." "Stalag 13." "Braden." "This is Mills." "Hi." "Hi, Mills." "We tunneled out of Stalag 9 a couple of hours ago." "We've got to get in touch with Colonel Hogan." "Colonel Hogan?" "Our escape officer told us about him." "Now, why didn't he notify us through the underground?" "We took off on our own." "We need fake I.D. cards, civilian clothes, maps and money." "How about it?" "That's possible." "Do you have a reservation?" "You mean a guy has to make a reservation for an escape?" "Well, we're booked right through New Year's Eve." "We tunneled through 400 feet of rock and mud." "We're not going to stop now." "Okay, I'll take you to Hogan." "( whistling )" "What did you do?" "Dig your tunnel through Times Square?" "Cominskey, Corporal Walter." "Cominskey, Corporal Walter." "Palmer, Sergeant John." "Hackensack, New Jersey." "Palmer, Sergeant John." "Hey, any mail for me?" "That's all of them, Colonel." "Could be it's only the first wave." "I make it, uh, 20 men." "That's just enough for a marching band." "All right, let me have your attention." "Welcome to Stalag 13, fellas." "For your information, we're in the escape business." "PALMER:" "Oh, this must be the place." "You said it." "We didn't know you were coming, so it's going to be a little tough." "Too many to handle, Colonel?" "Generally we handle two or three." "This is our first venture in the wholesale business." "Newkirk, we'll need civilian clothes for everybody." "Right, Colonel." "We'll also need some forged papers, Carter." "All right." "The first ten men report to me tomorrow at 0930 hours in tunnel number four." "I'll take your pictures for German I.D. cards." "All right, look, fellas, when we're ready, we'll move 'em out of the tunnel in hut number three." "Kinch, get on the radio to London." "Arrange a pick-up point." "Tell 'em to send a big submarine... uh, with a trailer." "All right, are there any questions?" "Colonel... all this organization you got here sounds great, sir, but..." "We're an old established firm." "But it's going to take an awful long time to outfit 20 guys." "He's rock happy, Colonel." "We'll move you out as soon as we can." "Yeah, I know, sir, but wouldn't it be bet..." "You have any complaints, see the Auto Club, huh?" "Hey, if it comes out okay," "I want a couple of dozen prints." "Hey, come on, knock it off." "Now, don't smile." "Try to look as German as possible." "All right, next." "Waist, 26 inches." "26?" "What are you, in the Army or the Cub Scouts?" "I was drafted." "No wonder it's taken us so long to win the war." "Yes, Herr General." "I heard the news." "A most regrettable business." "20 men escaping from Stalag 9." "The Commandant, Colonel Smeckler, is a personal friend of mine." "I must telephone him immediately and express my deepest sympathy, yes." "What?" "Oh, yes..." "Long distance to Russia is very expensive." "Yes, Herr General, I understand." "I understand completely, Herr General." "Don't do that, Colonel Hogan." "It leaves me weak." "How weak?" "Very." "What's the Colonel want to see me about?" "I can't tell you." "I'm not supposed to tell you." "No..." "Honey, I've got all day." "What was the question?" "I forget." "You may rest assured, Herr General, we are always on the alert here." "You know our proud boast." "No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13." "Goodbye, Herr General." "What?" "Oh, yes, of course-- Heil Hitler." "You know, it is most gratifying to have the confidence of one's superior officer." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Too bad that's not the case with you, Schultz." "I'm only a humble Sergeant, Herr Kommandant." "Yes, an accident of war." "Now, where is Hogan?" "I sent for him 20 minutes ago." "At once." "Colonel Hogan!" "Sit down, Colonel." "Hogan, I sent for you because it is necessary for us to have a little chat." "Chat away." "Undoubtedly you are aware that there is another Stalag not too far from here." "Yeah, Stalag 9." "I'm not going to be transferred, am I?" "Why?" "You like it here?" ""Like" is hardly the word." "I mean, it's like a home away from home." "Schultz, did you hear that?" "There's a war on, he's a prisoner, yet he calls it a home." "I think he's stir crazy." "Silence!" "You will speak only when you're spoken to." "You spoke to me, Herr Kommandant." "Next time don't answer." "Oh!" "Colonel Hogan, I want to give you some information and a little advice." "First, there has been an escape from Stalag 9." "There has?" "Hey, that's wonderful." "Schultz, you never tell us anything." "I know nothing." "I warn you-- don't be encouraged by this news to try something foolish." "Who'd want to escape from all this beauty?" "All this beauty." "Silence." "Things have been awfully quiet around here." "You're up to something." "I am watching you every minute." "Dismissed." "Incidentally, Colonel, how did the boys of Stalag 9 get out?" "A tunnel." "And again I advise you not to try it." "Oh, come on, we wouldn't dig a tunnel." "Good." "Go out in a helicopter with parachutes." "Insolence." "Somewhere we can drop you, like the Russian Front?" "Out!" "All guards are to go on special alert immediately." "I will spot check the huts personally." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "A helicopter, indeed." "What a clever idea." "Shut up." "Mills, Mills, wake up." "Hmm..." "Wake up." "Hmm!" "You awake?" "Yes." "Listen, a guy told me there's a road construction a few miles from here, and every day they send a tank truck to get water inside the gate." "I saw it." "Okay, they open the top hatch to fill it." "The goons always watch the driver." "If we come on the blind side..." "And what about the driver?" "He's a civilian Kraut." "Once we're inside, we can hear him climbing up." "Then we go under the water till he closes the hatch." "You with me?" "I don't know." "Hogan said he'd get us out." "That might take weeks." "20 guys-- papers, clothes..." "Yeah, but if we blow it, they might grab everybody." "Look, I got you out of Stalag 9, didn't I?" "Well, yeah." "Okay, we go tomorrow." "Gin." "Hi, Kinch." "Any word from London?" "Yeah." "The sub will be standing by every night beginning tomorrow." "Newkirk?" "Civilian clothes are finished, Colonel." "Fitting tonight." "The I.D. cards will be finished this afternoon." "All right, we'll move 'em out tomorrow night." "We'll use the tunnel in hut number three." "All right, all right." "CARTER:" "Yeah, I bet a truck like that holds maybe a thousand gallons." "Make a lovely dry martini." "Where would you get a 50-pound olive?" "Now, you take a truck like that... hey, there's Braden and Mills." "CARTER:" "What are they doing out?" "HOGAN:" "Going for the truck." "They're barmy." "Hey, let's get them." "No, no, hold it." "If they get caught, they'll ruin it for the lot." "Klink's worried 'cause things have been too quiet." "Let's just change that right now." "Move in when I give the okay." "Schultz, what would you say if I told you there were a couple of prisoners in that water tank, huh?" "Good luck to them." "What would they be doing in there?" "What's the first thing that comes to your mind?" "They are thirsty?" "No, come on, think of something crazy." "They're trying to escape?" "That's why you're a sergeant." "( shouting in German )" "Raus!" "Raus!" "Out!" "Out!" "Out with you!" "Out!" "( speaking German )" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Hahahaha!" "Oh, how could you do this to me?" "You cannot trust anybody anymore!" "Bad boys!" "( all yelling )" "Barnes, Davis." "You clods go hide in my office." "I'm sorry, Colonel." "Go!" "What's up Colonel?" "All right, the Krauts will be here in a minute looking for Braden and Mills." "That's for sure." "We can't give 'em up, otherwise we'll blow the whole operation, right?" "Sure, Colonel." "So." "Colonel!" "What's that for?" "That's for trying to hide out in the water truck." "So you wouldn't take my advice, eh, Hogan?" "Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?" "If you stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty." "Oh, you fools." "Here's my reward." "30 days in the cooler." "Take them away." "30 days is a cruel, inhuman, unjustified punishment, to be inflicted only by a sadist." "Flattery will gain you nothing, my dear, Colonel." "30 days." "Boy, that's a bum rap, Colonel." "It's shocking." "All right, Klink's had his fun for today." "Now he'll relax." "We move the Stalag 9 boys out tonight, ready or not." "Yes, Colonel." "One last detail, sir?" "What is it, Lebeau?" "Permission to punch" "Braden and Mills in the nose." "Here he comes now." "Anybody tell you fellows we have an escape going tonight?" "Yeah, we're ready." "What about the tunnel?" "You were gonna fix the trap." "He's behind the times." "He's an officer, you know." "It was finished hours ago." "Sure, we even moved the entrance." "( both snickering )" "Oh." "Uh-huh." "I see." "We're going to play games, huh?" "You want me to find where the new entrance is?" "No wonder he's a colonel." "Catches on..." "just like that." "Okay, I'll play." "We figure if you can't find it, the goons won't." "Watch." "Very, very old fashioned, that colonel." "Ah." "I can tell by your face, Carter." "Wrong." "That's the sauerbraten I had for lunch." "Okay, I give up." "You win." "Will you follow us, please?" "Excuse me a minute, old man?" "So, you'll be five minutes late for the ball." "MEN:" "Ta-ta-dah." "HOGAN:" "Gee, Dad, it's a tunnel." "You never had a chance." "You do good work." "You really do." "Well, let's face it, Colonel." "What would you do without us?" "Yeah." "That's right." "You fellows wouldn't be mad if I told you I-I knew it was there all the time?" "Yes, I would." "All right, then, I won't tell you." "You're a fine-looking bunch of Krauts." "Hey!" "Colonel, I'd like to report a peeping Tom, here." "All right, all right." "Now, you got your identity papers and your rations." "You're going to travel in twos." "Got your maps?" "NEWKIRK:" "They got everything." "All right, LeBeau, you're gonna be in charge of the other end to get them through the hole." "Yes, sir." "I'm ready." "It's time." "They're gonna be changing the guards in a couple of minutes." "All right, saddle up." "Here we go." "Let's go, let's go." "NEWKIRK:" "Now don't leave anything behind." "HOGAN:" "Take care." "Watch that first step." "NEWKIRK:" "All right, come on, keep it moving." "I'm after the lady." "Come on, you should've-- you should've done that long before, now." "NEWKIRK:" "Come on." "Now, get all your stuff." "Don't even look." "Pick it up." "Don't leave anything behind." "( dogs softly growl )" "Shh." "Silence." "Quiet." "Knock it off, huh?" "I'm going up." "Two goons." "How close?" "I could read "Made in Japan" on their boots." "Go tell Hogan we can't use the hole." "HOGAN:" "Keep it moving down there, huh?" "KINCH:" "Hey, what's going on down there?" "They just passed the word we can't use the tunnel." "Goons in the way." "Oh, great." "We're going to run out of time and darkness." "Simultaneously, I should think." "You, better wash it out for tonight, Colonel." "The way Klink's been acting?" "Spot checks, special alerts." "He's relaxed." "We've gotta move." "Yeah, but how do we get past those goons?" "Trade him one end of the tunnel for the other." "Carter and Newkirk, into the tunnel." "Right, okay." "Break through and give yourselves up." "You're having a go at us, aren't you?" "You heard me." "Break through, give yourselves up." "We got to let 'em know where we are." "Come on." "He's mad, you know." "He's mad." "Sir, I'd like to request a transfer to the paratroops." "Braden... the rest of your men down there, stay underneath the floor." "When you hear this... ( stamps twice ) ...move 'em out fast and quiet." "Two taps." "Got it." "You're brilliant." "I'm going to recommend you for officer's training." "The colonel wants us to give ourselves up." "Let the goons capture us?" "That's what the man said." "What happens in your army if you shoot a colonel?" "In my army, we get the Croix de Guerre." "( speaking German )" "Lafayette, I am here." "( singing in French )" "( speaking German )" "( replies in German )" "Alone, I'm all alone." "Raus!" "Schnell!" "( speaking German )" "Halt!" "Halt!" "( gunshot )" "( alarm ringing )" "( barking )" "After them!" "After them!" "How would you like to buy a couple of nice German shepherds?" "I was only exercising them." "Aha, a tunnel, eh?" "Did you get them all?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "All right, let's not waste any time." "Where did this tunnel start, huh?" "You'll never find out, no matter what you do to us." "That goes for me, too." "My lips are sealed." "Oh, no." "We have ways to make you talk, and we will use them!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "All right, I'll tell you." "The tunnel starts in hut number three." "Hut number three?" "Dirty squealer!" "I never could stand pain." "I knew I'd get it out of them." "Hut number three." "Hut number three!" "Hut number three!" "Let's get it!" "Go!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "When I give you the word, stamp twice-- pow, pow." "Gotcha." "Here they come." "( all yelling )" "Aha, aha, aha." "So, caught you with the goods, huh?" "Hogan, I have warned you many times and again you try." "I have had enough of this." "Herr Kommandant, please, may I?" "No one, but no one, ever escapes from Stalag 13." "Oh, Herr Kommandant, ( clicks tongue ) your foot's swelled by the excitement." "Dummkopf." "Jawohl." "( stomps twice )" "Cancel that order." "A nice little tunnel." "Colonel Hogan, what happened to your helicopter, huh?" "We're waiting for spare parts." "I will not forget this madness." "Schultz, they're to begin work immediately filling in this tunnel." "A little hard labor all night won't hurt them." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And then tomorrow, when the job is done, we will take the next corrective measure." "What do you think of that, Colonel Hogan?" "Well, look at this way-- you can't win 'em all." "Of course not." "But you can try." "( frustrated grunt )" "Job's finished, Colonel." "Tunnel's all filled in." "Oh, Newkirk." "Yes, it's me." "Boys must be tired, huh?" "Nah, not at all." "We could have carried on for at least another five minutes." "( snores )" "I have to see the big shot." "Well, he's on the phone, but he'll be out in a minute." "I can wait, baby." "Bluebirds have all flown the coop, sir." "All 20?" "Should be over the white cliffs of Dover by now." "And what are you mumbling about?" "We're just saying if you lost a little weight, Schultz, you'd look 20 years younger." "Forget it." "I'm handsome as it is." "Am I right, Helga, baby?" "Well, we're all happy this morning, huh?" "Herr Kommandant, I have to report the tunnel has been filled in." "It is completely kaput." "Excellent, Schultz." "And now, Hogan, for the punishment" "I promised you." "30 days in the cooler for all your men." "Schultz, the formation at once." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Colonel Hogan, are you going to parade your men to the cells?" "You must be kidding." "Well, knowing you as I do," "I thought you might like to join your men in the cooler as a gesture." "Actually, there's nothing I'd enjoy more, but I can't." "And why not?" "Somebody's got to warm up the helicopter." ""(End of Episode)""