"Children, you're in for a treat." "Today's assembly is devoted to a special kind of history." "(kids booing)" "Living history." "(kids booing louder)" "End this madness!" "We have two guests who have come from Springfield!" "We come from Springfield!" "Illinois!" "1858." "Please welcome, here to debate the important issues of the day," "Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln!" "I appear before you today for the purpose of discussing the leading political topics which now agitate the public mind." "(kids booing)" "Hit the dirt, squirt!" "Well, it seems the, uh..." "the good landowners of Springfield Elementary are rejecting" "Mr. Douglas's position on tariffs." "Get a room!" "I shared beds with men all the time." "(chuckles):" "It was a common practice." "Ooh, common practice." "(kids laugh, Milhouse gasps)" "Please, good people!" "These are times of powerful passion." "(grunting)" "Why are you concussing yourself?" "Why are you concussing yourself?" "Now, fellow countrymen, a house divided against itself..." "Ow!" "Guess what, I also play Frankenstein!" "(growls)" "(kids screaming)" "Douglas is getting away!" "Skinner!" "I have seven other principals, and I've never yelled their names, not even once." "You know what these kids lack?" "Well, certainly not a caring superintendent." "(chuckles):" "Well, I, uh... (clears throat)" "Respect." "That's what these kids lack." "So we will hold a contest to make them tell us who they respect-- who their heroes are." "A contest?" "But, sir, we don't have any money to pay for prizes." "We had to rent out our multipurpose room to a Japanese-American social club." "(pachinko machines ringing)" "Tanpatsu!" "The answer is simple, Seymour:" "get a corporate sponsor." "But don't worry, you won't have to compromise yourself." "So, from now on, our cafeteria will only serve delicious Stuffwich's heroes, hoagies and torpedoes." "What about po' boys?" "Sorry, Nelson." "Poor boys such as yourself will go hungry." "Now please welcome the star of Stuffwich's ads-- who lost 400 pounds eating only Stuffwich subs" "Ezra!" "Tell us your hero, and you could win a Stuffwich college scholarship." "(kids exclaim)" "Then you can be a hero like me." "What makes you a hero?" "I don't eat as much as I did!" "NELSON:" "So the chained-up dude cuts off his own foot to save his family from Jigsaw!" "(voice breaking):" "My hero is my mom's boyfriend who took me to that movie when I was three." "I call him Uncle Rob because... he robbed us!" "(sobbing)" "(giggles)" "Madame Curie, we just might have this one in the bag." "(Ralph giggles)" "(laughs)" "My hero-- or should I say heroine-- dazzled the early 20th century with her scientific discoveries... (gasps) Okay, calm down." "Maybe he's talking about Margaret Mead." "...in the field of radioactivity!" "(gasps)" "I give you" "Madame Marie Sklodowska-Curie!" "("La Marseillaise" playing)" "(gasps) No!" "No, no, no, no!" "(sobbing)" "Martin took my topic." "What do I do?" "Oh, just make a speech about Dad." "Everyone does that." "Everyone does that with good dads." "But with our Dad, it's like climbing Mount Everest." "You either plant your flag at the top of the world or get frozen in agony forever." "Either way, hell of a show." "(music plays, kids cheering)" "People, please!" "Martin has left the building." "He had an orthodontist appointment." "(groans)" "Okay, Dad's my hero." "Why is he my hero?" "d We can be heroes d Just for one day" "d We can be heroes... (grunts)" "Marge, it happened again!" "SKINNER (over P.A.):" "Lisa?" "Lisa Simpson?" "You have ten seconds to get to the podium." "I'm allowed to eat these!" "Our final contestant is Lisa Simpson, who was last seen leaving in tears." "Near tears." "But not in them?" "No." "My hero isn't famous... (scoffs) Loser." "...isn't rich..." "Pathetic." "...and isn't in any history books." "He makes me sick." "He's my dad." "What?" "!" "He worked two jobs to get me a pony, he started me playing the saxophone you all love... (murmuring dubiously) ...and anyone can put a Band-Aid on, but my Dad knows how to take it off so it doesn't hurt." "Well, ah." "Oh." "The trick is:" "wait several weeks." "And when my Dad was a soccer referee, he had the guts to red card me, his only talking daughter, because he knew I was diving." "In the history of soccer, he is the only parent to ever take sides against his own kid, and he was right." "He made me a better person, because that's what heroes do." "That's what heroes do." "(microphone feedback squeals)" "(crowd cheering)" "I'm so glad I was forced to come." "People, people... we have a tie!" "(clamoring)" "Yes, which means that nobody wins." "The money goes back in the school general fund." "But we will put both speeches online." "Behind a paywall." "Now, please fold up your chairs and stack them." "d Cause I'm a grade school hero d d Lisa never lies d I'm a grade school hero d And heroes never die d Just one guitar!" "d Slung way down low!" "d Yeah, one guitar!" "d Where did my lawnmower go?" "Well, look who's back." "Hmm." "Hey, Dad." "Lisa, your speech was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me." "When did you come up with the idea?" "You must've worked on it for days." "Oh, Dad, you don't want the details." "No one wants to see the sausage being made." "There's sausage being made?" "!" "Where?" "!" "Homie, there's someone here to see you." "Coming!" "I haven't forgotten about the sausage." "Mr. Simpson, I am the executive vice president of the World Football Federation." "Ooh!" "What you Americans call "soccer."" "D'oh!" "I'm sure you are familiar with the World Cup, the quadrennial drama unmatched on the planet!" "Oh, yeah." "That's the thing the guys at the dry cleaners get so excited about every four years." "I'm afraid there has been an epidemic of referees being bribed to throw games." "From the premier leagues to the playgrounds, all has been tainted." "We need a symbol of integrity like yourself." "Of course I am, but how do you know?" "Oh, your daughter's speech went viral." "(shrieks)" "No, no, I mean it spread like wildfire." "Much better." "Mr. Simpson, please help us." "The rot is everywhere." "In fact, I see that I myself am about to be arrested for corruption." "You will have to take it from here, Peter." "Yes, I will take good care of your wife." "Wait, what-what does that mean?" "Mr. Simpson, I am the new executive vice president of the WFF." "We need outsiders like you to come to the World Cup, as our guest, and ref our games properly." "Well, no one has ever questioned my professionalism." "Except at my profession." "(groans)" "What do you think, sweetie?" "Dad, they're offering us an all-expenses-paid trip to the greatest sporting event on Earth!" "The 2008 Super Bowl?" "Oh, I wish." "Eli Manning's pass to David Tyree." "But about the World Cup, I need your answer now." "Oh, sure, why not?" ""Congratulations on your purchase of a FootMaster-brand soccer ball."" "Thanks, book!" "Look, you got us a free trip." "Just slack off and cash your check like you always do." "I believe the sweet little girl in 21-D would disagree with you." "What the...?" "!" "I switched with her, Dad." "My TV didn't work!" "Now I can watch my premium HBO!" "(groans)" "(humming)" "Well, look at you, using approved electronic devices." "To try to avoid any misunderstandings in Brazil like we had the last time, I'm learning the language." "COMPUTER:" "Ola." "Ola!" "Eu amo o Brasil." "Eu amo o Brasil!" "O que e um pais encantador." "PILOT:" "Will you please turn that off?" "It's annoying the hell out of the flight crew." "I was just trying to learn the..." "Everyone thinks they can learn our language on the plane." "Do you know how disrespectful that is?" "(groans)" "All right, just for that attitude, turbulence." "(plane rattling)" "(fanfare plays)" "ANNOUNCER 1:" "Live from Sao Paulo, we bring you the World Cup Round Robin" "Group F Opening-Round Match!" "Today's game is between our host country, football powerhouse Brazil..." "CROWD:" "d Ole, ole-ole-ole. d ...and Luxemburg, whose entire nation has turned up." "(wind whistling)" "Got to hurry." "I've got 998 square miles to rob!" "Ha-ha!" "The mighty Brazilian squad features the greatest master of the fake injury soccer has ever known:" "El Divo!" "(screams)" "(crowd gasps, cheers)" "Now let's play human foosball!" "(whistle blows)" "ANNOUNCER 2:" "And with Brazil maintaining an insurmountable one-goal lead, with 28 minutes to play, let's take a look at the refs." "It says here, "Homer Simpson was recruited for his honesty and utter disinterest."" "ANNOUNCER 2:" "How did he get those shorts on over that arse?" "ANNOUNCER 1:" "Rumor has it, they employed a team of pullers." "(whistle blows, crowd cheers)" "Brazil wins it!" "And a fairly-called match it was." "In choosing Homer Simpson, the World Cup has met its goal...!" "Andres Cantor, you know that is incorrect usage." "I have no control...!" "This job has taken its toll...!" "Eu gostaria de um..." "Hang on, hang on." "...placa de..." "Hang on, hang on." "Here you go, honey." "How'd you eat the meat without the vegetables?" "Well, the stomach wants what it wants." "(burps)" "Oh, I need some air." "Ah, Brazil." "I couldn't stay afraid of you forever." "The only thing that keeps me from living here is that fish that swims up your pee stream." "That is a deal breaker." "Homer Simpson!" "I would like to congratulate you on your fine officiating today." "Thanks." "I still can't believe the yellow and red cards don't stand for mustard and ketchup." "Your disbelief will fade with time." "But now, I would like to know if you are as incorruptivel as they say." "(heavenly music plays)" "Oh, that is where I left my cell phone." "Well?" "You don't know the new me of the last few days at all!" "We will get to him." "We have our ways." "Well, what other ways besides guns and money?" "We have two ways." "Two very good ways." "d Samba!" "Red card!" "Let me give that back to you." "Get out of here!" "(crowd cheering) d" "ANNOUNCER 1:" "And as Homer officiates, looks like we've got a little action on the bribe cam." "(crowd cheering) d" "Man, Krusty should get some of these letters." "(groans)" "While you were out, the gamblers sent up gold-frosted donuts, a chocolate bowling ball and a fresh pork sandwich." "Oh." "How fresh?" "(pig squeals) Oh!" "Where's your mother?" "Went to practice her Portuguese." "Mm..." ""Selecionar conta..."" "Ooh, ooh, "select account."" "Uh, perhaps you could select the English option?" "I did not pay $7.99 for an app so I could use the English option." "You Americans, you really throw your $7.99s around." "You know, you're pretty rude." "(chuckles) Stupid lady." "Give the donuts to the hotel staff." "Release the pig and the bowling ball into the wild." "Dad, is it hard for you to turn these bribes down?" "Yes." "But knowing that Lisa chose me as her hero, without ever considering any other hero, keeps me strong." "Why so quiet?" "I'm just examining what kind of person I am and whether I should destroy your happiness forever." "Eh, why not?" "I'm listening." "And it better be devastating." "You weren't Lisa's hero." "She just swapped you in at the last minute because someone else did her real hero." "Oh, my God." "That's... that's shattering." "And now I'm a man in pain in the naughtiest city since San Francisco turned all nerdy." "(groans)" "Where are you going?" "To drink until there's no pain left in my soul." "But first I'm gonna eat off someone else's room service tray that was left in the hall." "Now that's a broken man." "Hmm." "What the hell are you doing?" "It's okay." "I'm an American." "Oh." "Oh." "Okay." "So, the rumors are true." "We knew you'd find out your daughter's original speech topic was Marie Curie." "And now we need you to fix the greatest game of all:" "the World Cup Final." "Fine." "Marge is always complaining I never fix things." "Give me another." "All right." "But we've run out of sugarcane." "I carry my own." "All right, Homer." "To begin your descent into hell, let us enjoy this pirated copy of Man of Steel." "But beware:" "Superman was never less fun." "(laughs evilly)" "ANNOUNCER 2:" "Here it is, the World Cup Final!" "DRY CLEANER GUYS:" "Yay!" "ANNOUNCER 2:" "Will it be a German Blitzkrieg or a Brazilian waxing?" "Nazis!" "Nazi harborers!" "Guys, guys, you're both right." "All right, just so there are no misunderstandings, you make sure Brazil wins, and we give you one million dollars." "If I bet it, I could double it." "But on who?" "You know that Brazil is going to win." "Oh, thanks for telling me!" "I was gonna tape it." "Remember, I'll be watching." "Wave a Brazilian flag so you stand out in the crowd." "Don't do it, Dad." "Don't cheat." "You're a funny one to tell me about deception." "I'm sorry you weren't my first choice." "In fact..." "(sighs)" "I had my doubts about using you at all." "Well, if we're gonna be brutally honest, that drawing you made of me when you were three was far from a perfect likeness." "You put it on the fridge!" "It was pity-fridged!" "All right, you're hurt." "I understand." "But when I made you my hero, you lived up to it and more." "You became the hero I thought you could be, Dad." "Oh." "Oh, come here." "Everything's right with the world." "Except that you're about to double-cross some gangsters." "That's all right, brain." "If I die," "I'll be doing the thing I love the most:" "trying not to get killed." "ANNOUNCER 2:" "This match is tighter than two dogs on a summer morn." "There's no score at all." "Even the slightest pebble could start a landslide." "ANNOUNCER 1:" "And El Divo goes down!" "In the box!" "Will Homer award a penalty kick to Brazil?" "Do it." "Do it!" "Call the penalty!" "No penalty!" "He dove, Dad!" "(grunts)" "No penalty!" "(crowd booing)" "I repeat, no penalty!" "No penalty." "ANNOUNCER 1:" "The game, plus two hours of funeral time, is about to conclude." "And with Germany the victor, two-nil, in an unprecedented display of rectitude and stubbornness by one Homer Simpson." "I've never seen the Brazilians so depressed." "(sadly):" "d Ole... d d Ole, ole, ole... d" "You broke a deal with us." "And we have lost a fortune!" "(gasps)" "Well, at least I'll die the American way." "In a foreign country wearing short pants." "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "I want to say something!" "You have one minute." "Wait!" "Let it get to the 12." "N... now." "Um... (speaking Portuguese)" "How's she doing that?" "I don't know, but she's my new hero." "Yeah, I was a little surprised I wasn't considered before." "Ah, your fluency is impressive." "You can help my son learn Hebrew for his bar mitzvah." "But I'm still killing your husband." "First, mazel tov." "Second, don't!" "Please, please!" "I'm a mother." "Surely you have a mother, too." "I do have a mother." "Oh, she's right there." "I'm sorry, my son." "We owe a debt to the Simpsons that can never be repaid." "All that she did was switch seats on a plane." "On a 15-hour flight!" "You are free to go." "(dirge playing)" "No penalty." "Fine." "(birds squawking)" "Wow, the Amazon is just like I pictured it after seeing all those pictures online." "I've never seen anything so beautiful." "(chainsaw buzzing)" "The best thing is" "I can get locally- sourced monkey meat." "(hooting)" "(shrieks)" "Okay, Teeny." "Take care of part two."