"Oh, I just love all this!" "Love it, love it so!" "Oh, I just want it, want it, want it all, darling!" "I'm going to have to have the kitchen redone while Saffy's away." "Eddy, who is this?" "What?" "Darling, I'm giving it to John's family as a wedding present." "John?" "Have you got a John?" "Darling, the tall, black man that's marrying Saffy." "Oh, the tall one!" "Marrying the little hairy hobbit." "Darling, remember I can't go to the wedding 'cause I've got too much on." "Well, take something off, then!" "Work-wise!" "Work-wise!" "Mum, I'm ready, we'd better be off." "Oh, look at her!" "Little walking one-man band, aren't you, darling?" "Oh, I can't believe my little girl all grown up and off to Africa to get married!" "I'm not exactly young any more." "No, darling, what I meant was, I can't believe he's actually going to marry you!" "That's what I meant." "I'm sorry." "Mum, are you ready?" "We'd better be going." "You're not coming, are you?" "Oh, darling, you didn't want me to come, did you?" "SAFFY:" "Yes!" "Oh, it's just, you know..." "I'm chocca with work, aren't I?" "(SHE SQUEAKS)" "No, darling, I've got Emma Bunton and Queen Noor and Lulu up to here, I have!" "Lulu up to 'ere?" "Has she grown?" "Shut up!" "Anyway I can't go 'cause Patsy's sick, aren't you?" "Well, that's not news!" "Actually, I am feeling rather unwell." "Are you?" "She is!" "You are sick?" "See, I can't go, she actually is sick now, darling!" "Anyway, I've given my ticket to the goat, so I can't really, sweetie." "Never mind, darling." "Off you go." "Mwah!" "You'll look after yourself, won't you?" "(BLEATING) Yes, I will try!" "No, I was talking to Lola." "Her name is Jane!" "Oh, Jane!" "(BLEATING) Hello, Jane!" "Have you had all your injections?" "Yes." "No, I was talking to the goat that time, actually, darling." "(BLEATING) Oh, yes, I have!" "She says she has, Eddy." "John's family are going to like the goat, aren't they?" "Yes, Mum, it's the perfect present." "If they don't like it, they can milk it dry and send it back as Ugg boots." "I'd quite like that, actually." "All right, off you go." "How long will you be gone?" "Mmm, only a couple of weeks." "That'll give me time to redo the kitchen." "No, Mum!" "Please don't change the house again while I'm gone!" "Oh, but why?" "I'd just like Jane to recognise things when she comes home." "(MOCKING VOICE) Oh, all right, I won't!" "Promise?" "Yeah, darling, I pomise!" "I pomise, pomise, pomise, pomise!" "Of you go!" "Off!" "# I'm a one-man band!" "# Bong!" "Bong!" "Bong!" "Bung!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "# I'm a one-man band!" "La la la #" "Great!" "They're gone, sweetheart!" "Come on, we can party!" "Yeah, party, Eddy, wooh!" "Let's get some music on!" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)" "How long is it since we last..." "Ed, darling..." "Eddy, a second." "Darling, can you just come over." "What's that?" "What's that there?" "Oh, that's horrible!" "What?" "What is it?" "I don't think it should be there!" "Get it seen to." "But not now, because we're going to party!" "Party!" "Party!" "We'll get the house down, sweetie!" "Pats!" "Come on!" "Pats!" "Hello, darling." "Oh, hello, Eddy." "Hello, sweetie, mwah." "Did you have the operation?" "It's only half-done, you see, I mean..." "They couldn't complete it until you re-swiped your credit card." "A sort of pay-as-you-go thing." "Darling, can we go back next week and do that, 'cause we've got a lot on." "Yeah, they can tidy me up then." "Eddy, what happened to your..." "What..." "Where..." "I got someone in to do it, darling." "I've made a bad mistake!" "Who?" "Bettina and Max." "How are we doing?" "There's still too much in here." "I want that out of here!" "We can't get it out." "Jesus!" "Steady!" "I have to start with white box." "It is white box." "Um..." "What do we think over here?" "Do we need anything more?" "Well, a little, I think." "For the client." "I want that out!" "We can't get it out!" "Why?" "Because you've taken out the stairs!" "(EDINA YELLS)" "Hello." "Hello." "I don't want her here!" "In here with all that fatness blobbing around, Max." "It's too fast." "I'm fighting for air!" "How are we doing?" "Shh!" "Is she all right?" "She's, um, feeling it." "Oh." "Genius." "So what's the inspiration here?" "Holocaust." "Don't you like it?" "No, I love it." "I love it." "I think it's lovely." "I just, um..." "I was thinking..." "Perhaps it's a little..." "Something a little warmer." "Max, turn on the pebbles." "Cosy enough for you?" "So you and Bettina are divorced now, aren't you?" "Oh, yes." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, if you ever want to take up where we left off..." "We can go upstairs now, if you want to." "Um..." "I'm..." "I'm gay now." "You were the last woman he went with!" "Boy, you sure know how to turn 'em!" "Stop it!" "Didn't you have a little child or baby or something?" "What was it?" "Yes." "Um, Allegra." "She put herself into..." "Boarding school!" "At boarding school." "...care." "She developed totally reasonable hatred for us" "and is living with a foster family." "Oh, lovely." "I'm much happier now." "We can always adopt another one later." "No, we're divorced!" "On what grounds?" "Jesus Christ!" "Oh, yes, that's right." "You brought something into the box, didn't you, Max?" "Don't do this!" "And something fat!" "We're just going to click your medication." "Come on." "Fat!" "Fat!" "Fat!" "Into the box!" "(INTERMITTENT CLICKING)" "No, he wasn't fat, actually!" "He was a little plump." "Into the box!" "There we are." "There we go." "Violation of the box by fat, fat, fa..." "There we are!" "Fat!" "Faffff..." "There." "That's it." "That's it." "Just..." "There we are." "I don't think you're ready to do houses, Bettina." "Right, how are we going to get you out?" "There we are!" "Right." "There you go." "So he had to take her back to Broadmoor." "I mean, she was only on day release anyway." "What's she in for?" "Stabbing Kelly Hoppen with a glass shard at the Design Awards." "Who usually decorates the house, Eddy?" "What?" "Kunz." "I don't want Kunz to do it, I want something new." "I've had a vision!" "I want something different." "Well darling, just call someone up, then we can go out and get a proper drink." "You might want to change before we go out, that's whiffing a bit now, that." "And you might want to remove yourself from that tweedy old skin." "This is vintage." "I don't think so!" "Pats, tell her this is vintage!" "Actually, Eddy, I think you'll find it's just old." "Oh, God!" "SAFFY:" "Mum!" "Shit!" "Shit, what's she doing back early?" "She shouldn't be back yet!" "Oh, Christ, the kitchen!" "Finish it!" "Finish it!" "Come on!" "Do something!" "Pats, do something!" "Paint!" "Paint pot!" "Paint!" "Just say it is finished!" "(BUBBLE SCREAMS)" "(BUBBLE'S SCREAMS CONTINUE)" "Hello, darling!" "Hello, sweetheart!" "Mum, what have you done?" "You promised you wouldn't do this!" "No, I didn't promise, actually, darling," "I said "pomise" and I had my fingers crossed behind my back." "Anyway, do you like it, sweetheart?" "It's not finished!" "It is!" "EDINA:" "It is!" "Yeah, it is, darling." "No one's got a kitchen any more." "It's all clinic now, darling." "Clinic, not kitchen." "It's the perfect reduction in which you can reduce a juice." "Re-duss a juss, re-do a Jew..." "I don't want to reduce a juice." "I just want to make a cup of tea." "I'm just off the plane." "I'm tired!" "We're all tired, darling!" "We're all bloody tired." "It's not like I haven't made an effort..." "Oh, did the goat get there?" "Yes!" "Mum, Jane will be awake in a minute and I need to feed her!" "Is she still titting her?" "Darling, Pats says, "Are you still titting her?"" "No!" "She says, "no", she's not." "I'm going to get dressed." "Oh..." "Where's John?" "Um..." "He's um..." "What?" "You did get married, didn't you, darling?" "You did get a little bit of that and then a little bit of that, didn't you?" "Did you?" "He didn't marry the goat instead, did he?" "Quite hard to tell them apart!" "Yeah!" "At least he could've milked the goat!" "Quite big tits, actually." "Yeah, she gets those from me, don't you, darling?" "So..." "Sweetheart..." "What..." "Mum..." "Mmm?" "John..." "Oh, Christ!" "Oh, I can whiff it from here, darling." "He didn't want to marry you, did he, sweetheart?" "Oh, god, I always said you'd end up a little pram-face, didn't I, you?" "Mmm?" "Yes, we are married!" "So..." "Sweetheart, what?" "Darling, tell Mama." "Tell Mama, what?" "Darling?" "Tell Mama!" "He's..." "What?" "What?" "What?" "BO:" "Hi, hi, hi!" "Shit!" "BO:" "Hello!" "We're home!" "And everybody's here." "It's so cosy!" "Praise Jesus!" "Keep your voice down!" "We're on the run!" "They can't hear us down here, Marshall." "Thank you for this place of refuge." "We couldn't afford the Lanesborough, but there's room at this inn." "What are you doing here?" "What's happened?" "Well..." "We're being pursued by the forces of darkness." "The IRS." "The children of Beelzebub." "The FBI." "Let me explain." "(UPBEAT GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS)" "Welcome back!" "Gosh, Marshall, hasn't the Holy Spirit been busy?" "He sure has, Bo!" "Praise Jesus!" "# Praise him most high in Jesus's name" "# In his own name in Jesus's name #" "I can't praise him any more than he can praise himself." "Hallelujah!" "Amen to that!" "In this hour, we'll ask our friends out there in the faith community to ring in with those credit card pledges to sow a seed for jubilee." "Or authorised cheques." "Or bonds." "Or jewellery!" "The call is free but the miracle is priceless!" "Amen, my darling!" "Now I know you're looking over here, you're thinking, "That doesn't look like a temple!"" "But it is God's temple." "God's temple of the airwaves!" "Amen!" "Amen!" "Amen!" "Amen!" "I don't know how it works." "Do you know how it works, Marshall?" "No!" "I don't think God himself knows how it works." "But what happens is, it steals silently into your home, like a virus, carrying the word of God." "Carrying the word of God!" "That is right!" "Hallelujah!" "Praise Jesus!" "Amen!" "Carrying the word of God to you in your home." "Exactly." "And you know what the devil hates?" "He hates sitting down there on his big tail, down on his sofa in hell, switching on his Panasonic and hearing the word of God!" "It makes him mad!" "Ooh, he is mad!" "It makes him so mad!" "Grrr!" "Call the number now!" "All the lines are open!" "The more you give, the more you will receive!" "Testimonials, Bo!" "Oh, we got testimonials!" "Who do we got?" "Who do we got?" "I believe we have Carmel Rodriguez, down in Boca Raton." "Hey, Carmel!" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "(OBVIOUSLY FAKE VOICE) I'm so glad I sent you all my money." "Now, I have nothing, but I am very, very happy." "Carmel Rodriguez." "Oh, and you know what?" "You can send in pesos, you can send in pounds, you can send in dollars, you can send in shekels," "Because we take it all!" "Ain't that right?" "That's right!" "Philomena Bill down there in Bunter, Ohio, don't hold that card up to the screen, I can't see it, baby!" "You gotta call those numbers in!" "Call 'em in now!" "Call now and be saved!" "Call 'em in now, because we want to bring the miracle of Jesus into your home!" "(SIRENS WAIL)" "And you don't even have to open the front door!" "Send everything now!" "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" "(DOOR SPLINTERS)" "Call it right in!" "We'll be back!" "(SHOUTING)" "We were merely trying to release the poor from the shackles of what little they had to give!" "So for now, we're laying low and starting over." "Praise Jesus!" "Praise him!" "I've gone back to acting." "Don't be modest, Marshall!" "He's not acting." "He's in a West End show." "It's a small part in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." "It's the juvenile lead!" "It's good money and the theatre's happy because he doesn't need a chaperone!" "Baby, why don't you give us a little  Truly Scrumptious!" "# Truly scrumptious" "Jazz hands!" "Yes!" "# You're truly, truly... #" "Stop it!" "All right." "Come on, mister." "We have got a matinee." "# Oh, you pretty Chitty Bang Bang" "# Chitty Chitty Bang Bang We love you #" "Mum, why did you change it?" "Oh, are we back on this, are we, darling?" "We're back on this." "Why did I change it?" "'Cause everything's got to change!" "I change my clothes." "Why not change my house, sweetheart?" "Mmm?" "We can't all just wrap ourselves in a little cheese rind like you, and mature like an old piece of Gouda our whole lives, can we, sweetheart?" "That ain't gonna happen." "And your house now is the latest fashion statement, isn't it?" "Mmm?" "It used to be you could have a cool haircut or a great T-shirt and be fashionable." "What are you talking about?" "What I'm talking about is now even your kitchen's got to be cool, isn't it?" "You can't just wash your hands in a sink any more, you've got to have a bowl!" "Got to have a bowl." "Not even a bowl, darling!" "Just a shiny, flat surface that water pours onto and into infinity!" "Mum!" "Darling, your kitchen is now so cool, it's got bouncers so you can't get in it!" "Your dishwasher can get in, but you can't!" "Your fridge can be dancing the night away in Studio 54 without you!" "Shut up!" "I can't even have a bath any more." "I've got to have a bath in a small coconut husk." "Mum, it's just stuff!" "Just go and get some stuff!" "Just stuff?" "I have a vision!" "I want someone to interpret my vision for me!" "Do it yourself!" ""Do it yourself"." "DIY?" "I can do that!" "Hello, Saffy dear, how are you?" "Yes, I've got the DIY channel." "Well, you got it for me, dear." "That isn't the DIY channel, you stupid woman!" "It's the DYI channel, Do Yourself In!" "It's the euthanasia network, isn't it?" "And you're on a short subscription, let me tell you!" "Is that one of my old suits?" "No, it's vintage!" "The times I've had in that suit!" "Let me smell it." "No, get off!" "Get off!" "Get off!" "If you don't do it, I'll do it!" "Do what, darling?" "The kitchen!" "Oh, you'll..." "You'll do it, will you, darling?" "Oh, you'll do it, will you?" "How will you do it, darling?" "How will you know where to go?" "Where will you go?" "To your little reject tit shop, will you, sweetheart?" "Get us some little rejecty titty-titty tit-tit-tit bit tit-craft tit shop, will you?" "Is that where you'll go?" "No, I'll do it!" "I'll do it, sweetheart." "I'll do it, yeah." "What, now?" "Yeah, all right, I'll do it now." "If it gets that look off your face, sweetheart." "I'll do it now." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Come on, Pats, we're going shopping!" "Not shopping, buying!" "Do you want a little potato peeler, darling?" "Shall I?" "Do you want one of those little brushes on a stick that you have by the sink?" "Shall I get one of those?" "Yes, brush on stick." "And olives..." "Oh, we do need olives, actually." "Right, Gran, would you look after Jane for a short while?" "I need to go and get her some food." "No, dear, I can't." "I can't help feeling, Saffy, that you're taking advantage of me, just because I'm around doing nothing all the time." "Ooh!" "I can see it already!" "Eddy, just see something and get it, right?" "I will, but lovely things!" "Okay, see something lovely and get it quickly!" "We'll be in and out of here so fast, we'll be a blur." "Let's do this, think texture, colour, do I love this?" "Yeah." "Quite like that, might buy it, although dunno..." "Yeah." "Buy it." "That's a bit..." "I don't know." "What do you think about that?" "Lovely, great, buy it." "I've got to try it all!" "You haven't bought anything!" "I need to find what I want." "I'm trying to focus!" "I know what'll help you to focus." "What?" "A nice little drink." "A drink." "Come on, darling." "Mmm." "Let's focus, darling." "(LIQUID SPLASHING)" "Yeah." "I think the problem is the room is the wrong shape." "If the room was a circle..." "(SPLASHING) -...instead of a square..." "That's a possibility." "..that would, erm, help, wouldn't it, now?" "And everything wouldn't have to be so squished up against the wall." "(SPLASHING)" "It's you!" "It's you!" "Oh..." "Yeah." "Oh... ..Erm, just close off that little tap thing, could you?" "Just do it." "Cheers, sweetie." "Fine." "Right." "Ready for a refill?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Got some food to wash it down with." "Oi!" "Oh, cheers!" "Can we have a refill?" "Darling, you know who that is?" "Hmm?" "It's Terrence Conran." "Yeah, I know." "Yes, I know that, too." "Have one yourself." "We've just been in your shop." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well, you see, what I'm doing is I'm doing up my sort of kitchen area." "Now, well, eventually I will do the whole house to match, so..." "It's gonna be a big job, Terry." "It's gonna be showcased in some pretty exclusive publications so, you know, maybe we can do a deal?" "Yes, in fact, actually, darling, I want you to do my house!" "I want you to do it." "I want you to put your shop in my house!" "But, you see, a house should reflect the person that lives in it." "Crap!" "When I walk into your house, I want to see you!" "Well, I would still be there." "Me, too." "She'd be there, too." "You see, when I walk into my house, Terry, I want to see you!" "I really don't think I want to be in your house." "(DRIPPING SOUND)" "Oh, darling..." "Sweetheart..." "Yeah?" "Oh, Eds, get us a glass, darling." "Be a shame to waste it." "Now, tell me all about the wedding!" "I've been dying to ask!" "Oh, are those the photos?" "Yes." "May I see them?" "Oh, I say!" "Is that you, dear?" "Yes." "And who are all those other ladies?" "Those are his other wives." "No, but it's all right." "I'm fine about it." "It just means he has to split his time, that's all, and, erm, well, I get to see him every three months, so that's good." "Oh, Saffy!" "You've joined a harem!" "EDINA:" "Come on, darling." "Bloody Conran!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Cab!" "Cab!" "Kunz!" "Have we got much time?" "PATSY:" "Oh, God..." "EDINA:" "It should be all right." "The traffic's not too bad, is it?" "We should be okay." "When we get in there we're just going to point and load." "EDINA:" "Point and load, point and load." "PATSY:" "All right, darling." "EDINA:" "Ring the bell!" "Ring the bell, and get that door open!" "Push it!" "Push!" "Push!" "Kunz!" "Push it!" "Try again!" "No, ring that bell!" "Ring the bell!" "(BANGING ON WINDOW)" "(BELL RINGING CONTINUES)" "No, no, no!" "(GERMAN ACCENT) Let zem vait!" "Let's see how much they really vant it." "Come on, sweetie!" "I just can't help thinking we'd sell more if we actually opened the door." "Vell, you know nussing!" "(KNOCKING AND RINGING CONTINUES)" "Vat is dat smell?" "Oh, it's the athlete's foot." "Ach..." "I've got to offload that foot!" "(BELL RINGS)" "Ja, ring it!" "Ring it!" "(RINGING CONTINUES)" "Wait a minute!" "Who is that?" "Oh, my God, go!" "Go!" "Open!" "Open!" "Big client!" "Faster!" "Faster!" "Faster, you silly cow!" "Run!" "Run like ze wind!" "EDINA:" "Kunz!" "Kunz!" "PATSY:" "Herr Kunz!" "Kunz!" "EDINA:" "Sweetheart, I..." "I'll speak to you when I get there, hang on!" "Sweetheart!" "Oh!" "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "Hello." "Oh, I didn't see it was you!" "Oh, my God, look at you!" "You've lost so much weight!" "What happened to your head?" "Your head got so big!" "Your bifocals are on upside down." "Ah!" "There you are." "Danke, Yoko." "Yoko?" "I'm..." "I'm Japanese." "Don't ask." "So what can I show you?" "Ah!" "As you can see, proto-brutalism is with us." "All right, all right, darling." "No, listen, Kunz, I'm on a bit of a schedule here, all right, darling?" "Because I'm doing up my kitchen." "Right?" "Ah!" "What are we talking about here!" "Did you see the foot?" "I've had this foot!" "Ach, not, this foot!" "No, no, no!" "J-Lo adores it!" "Ja." "Maybe she should have it, after all." "As I said, it's the only foot big enough to kick that arse!" "KUNZ:" "I love it." "I'd have it myself." "Kunz, Kunz, work with me here!" "What are we after this time?" "Oh, darling, I just need something quick!" "That reflects me, you know?" "A mirror!" "Argh!" "Oh, come on, darling." "All right." "Well, look around." "What is the mood, please?" "I don't know." "It's just sort of... you know..." "(RASPS)" "Eurgh..." "Words would help!" "I don't know." "EDINA:" "I can see something." "I can see it." "What?" "What speaks to you?" "Nothing!" "Nothing's speaking to me!" "Oh, come on!" "That's just because you're not listening!" "Hmm?" "Stay there." "Sit on me." "Sit on me all night long." "I love you!" "I love you." "I love you more than the foot." "The foot..." "Um, that's just you speaking, really, isn't it?" "Just doing that with some cushions." "No, I was channelling the furniture!" "Shut up!" "Oh, no!" "Big head again!" "All right." "Look, just..." "Just..." "I can't work on nothing, give me something!" "Give me something, baby!" "It's in you!" "I can see it..." "but I just can't see it, you know!" "I just don't know where it is..." "Where can you see it?" "In a magazine?" "In a past life?" "Huh!" "In a past life." "Do you think it's in a past life, darling?" "Do you think that's it, Pats?" "Maybe it's in a past life!" "That's where I'm being blocked!" "What I can see is in a past life, isn't it?" "Well, then you need to be regressed." "Yeah, I got regressed." "Were you, darling?" "Yes." "Where were you?" "Oh!" "It seemed pretty fabulous." "It..." "I..." "I was in an ancient world." "It looked like Egypt..." "Yes?" "Just pyramids, elephants," "everybody half-naked with incredible head-dresses..." "Mmm." "...serpents, men, women..." "Oh, I want to go there." "Yes." "...men-women..." "Hmm..." "Barges of burnished gold." "Early Cher tour." "Ja!" "Ja!" "I was the principal dancer!" "Und Cher loved me!" "Mmm." "You go, be regressed." "But you'll be back here so fast!" "Faster than Cher can turn back time." "Let's go have a look." "Thank you, Kunz." "Thank you, darling." "Mwah!" "Come on, Pats!" "Come on!" "Oh... (DRIPPING SOUND)" "(WHISPERING) Yes." "The regressor is here." "Where are you?" "I'm just here." "Where's Saff?" "She's gone to her dad's for food." "Right, good, good." "I want you to keep a watch out for her." "I don't want to be disturbed, all right?" "Hi, Crystalline?" "Yes, how are you!" "Erm, this is my first time doing this." "Mmm." "Who else have you done?" "Well..." "I do a lot of people but it would be unethical for me to name names." "Madonna." "Oh." "Hmm." "She was a rabbi at the shtetl." "Yeah." "And I took Elizabeth Taylor back through her childhood." "That was the longest incarnation I've ever done!" "Ah, Shirley MacLaine..." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, we need to get on." "I think I'll just light a few more candles." "No, I'm ready now, darling." "They're pretty!" " Yeah, well, they're mine." "They're scented." "Yeah, they're £50 a wick!" "Can you not light any more bloody candles?" "Just regress me." "I had a second cousin who was a little bit regressed." "He was a right nutter!" "Oh, shut up!" "(BUBBLE LAUGHS MANIACALLY)" "Oh, get back to your desk!" "Sorry about that." "All right, then." "Well, I've got my pad." "I've got my pen." "You can start breathing." "Good, I'm sensing that we've never done this before." "No, I just told you that." "You just told me that." "Well, we know each other from somewhere." "Oh!" "Weren't we shackled together on the slave ship Hacienda in the Indies, 1705?" "You were a bag of bones back then!" "No, then that couldn't have been me!" "Well, you weren't Pablo, my hermaphrodite half brother-sister in Peru." "'Round the time of the great Inca blood-letting." "No, we've only just met!" "We've only just met." "Yeah, I just told you that!" "Did you just tell me that?" "Yes." "When?" "Oh." "Now." "It's like someone put time on "shuffle" in my mind!" "Okay, good." "Breathe." "Now..." "Wow..." "Ha, ha, ha..." "So, where would you like to go?" "Well..." "Is there a reason for this?" "Is there something unresolved in your past?" "I mean, after all, how can we know where we are, if we don't know where we've been?" "Exactly." "Yeah." "Where am I?" "Holland Park." "This is Holland Park." "Oh, well, you see, what it is is that I've seen a sort of vision thing, vision." "Oh, right..." "What I'm actually after is, you see, I've seen this perfect vision of the perfect living space." "And I just have to go back to where I saw it so I can remember it, you see?" "Well, are we talking centuries here?" "No, it should be in the last two weeks, I think." "It could be a magazine I've read, you know." "It could be a place I've been, you know." "Can we just get on with it?" "I haven't got time." "Oh, no, no, no!" "We have all the time in the world!" "We have the future." "Ooh." "And we have the past." "Okay." "Oh, Christ!" "Oh... (GAGGING)" "Breathe!" "I'm breathing." "I'm breathing." "I've done the breathing." "All right, you will notice a change in my voice..." "Mmm-hmm." "..as I take you back." "(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Feel da rhythm of da beat as I take you back..." "Feel da rhythm of da beat..." "No, that's..." "That's..." "Er, that's not a good voice." "because that one..." "That starts a certain way then just goes Canadian, so..." "Which one will we use today?" "Yes, that's the voice!" "That's the voice that will take us back." "And as you go back, if you encounter Shirley MacLaine, send her home to me because she owes me money." "Okay, just get on with the thing!" "As you breathe, I want you slowly to begin to feel... (IN CHINESE ACCENT) You not here!" "You heavy!" "Very, very heavy!" "Heavy limbs!" "Heavy arms!" "Great big..." "Yeah, heavy, I'm heavy, all right." "I've got the point!" "You in lovely, warm light..." "No..." "Yes!" "Yes." "A light is flooding oot..." "Oh, now I've gone Canadian!" "Oh, come on!" "Breathe!" "I'm breathing." "You floating." "Or you on a beach?" "I don't like the beach." "Or, you in a lovely wood." "Yes, wood." "And, now I take you back, back, back and I going to ring the bell, oh, five times!" "And then you in different life." "(NORMAL) Actually, I'll ring the bell several times." "No, that's the wrong voice." "Oh, God!" "All right..." "In my normal voice, I ask you to come back now because we are going to have to start all over again now." "So, come back to me, now!" "I'm here!" "I'm here!" "I'm out!" "I'm out!" "I was only just behind my eyelids anyway, c'mon." "And breathe!" "Have you done it yet, Eddy?" "No, I haven't done it yet, darling!" "I haven't had a chance." "You know Crystalline." "Oh, yes, we've met!" "Pablo!" "Oh,  buenos dias." "Oh, don't light any more candles!" "Let's just get on with it!" "They're the twinkles of the soul." "Leave the candles!" "All right." "Now, we're going to go back..." "Can I stay, Eddy?" "As long as you're quiet, darling." "I'll be quiet, darling!" "But would it be all right if..." "And breathe!" "And now I take you back, back, back, and I ring the bell one time!" "(BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES)" "Four times!" "And you tell me what you see." "Look around you." "Look down." "Look at your feet." "You see your feet?" "She's never been able to see her feet!" "You male or female?" "Female." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, when I go back, can you not ask me about footwear, just ask me about decor..." "You don't rush out of a regression like that." "I have to bring you out!" "But I am out." "No, you're out when I say you're out." "Now you're out." "Come forward!" "(IN POSH ACCENT) Good day, Madam, and there's a farthing for your services." "What's..." "What's happened?" "Oh, we've got a live one here!" "Pats!" "Pats!" "No, don't wake her!" "This is very delicate." "Pablo, I'm speaking to your other soul-buddy now." "To the person you're being then, now, if you understand what I'm saying." "Oh..." "En garde!" "Et la!" "Et touche!" "Ah!" "Where is she now." "Where is she?" "17th century." "She's in free fall." "# With a hey nonny no and a bladder on my stick... #" "Where is she now?" "What's she doing?" "15th century." "It's going too fast!" "(PATSY HOOTING LIKE A MONKEY)" "What is it?" "What is it?" "Neolithic... (PATSY BLOWS RASPBERRIES)" "Pablo!" "Pablo, where are you?" "Pablo, what is it that you don't you want to hear?" "The Big Bang!" "She's at the beginning of time!" "She's just protoplasm!" "Don't touch anything!" "Pablo, you must come forward." "Pablo, come forward!" "But is it all right if I smoke?" "Yeah, darling, it's all right if you smoke." "Just be quiet!" "Right." "Come on." "Can we just get on with it?" "Come on." "SAFFY:" "Just wait here, I'll be back in a minute, darling." "Shit!" "She's here!" "She's here!" "Quick, regress me!" "Regress me!" "Regress me, quickly!" "Come on..." "Yeah, all right, ding-ding, I can see my feet." "I'm on a beach." "I'm there." "Don't worry." "Mum?" "No, no!" "Regression in progress!" "Where are you?" "By a lake..." "Pre-Raphaelite hair." "Pre-Raphaelite poet." "I'm a Lakeland poet." "By lake Grassmere." "Seeing all my friends, "Hello, who are you?" It's Dorothy Wordsworth." "Dante Gabriel Portia Rossi." "Keats." "Pepys." "Sheep." "What's she doing?" "Who can say?" "I hardly know her." "Yes." "Now, I'm walking..." "I'm walking somewhere." "Oh, yes, and now I'm at a desk." "I'm at my desk..." "I'm composing a Lakeland poem." "# I'm walking down the road" "# Just looking at the things" "# Oh, the people walking by" "Mum!" "No, don't wake her!" "You have to bring her forward slowly." "# Pretty lady... #" "I'll bring her forward." "Oh, shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "What did you do that for, darling?" "Where am I?" "Who am I?" "Who are you?" "Mum, what are you doing?" "Have you done anything about the kitchen?" "Darling, that is what I'm doing, isn't it?" "I have to go back, darling, so I can remember where I saw the things, so I know what to get!" "You understand?" "That is so typical of you!" "What?" "When everything grinds to a halt, is half-finished, at a stand-still, you decide to go backwards!" "Yeah, because sometimes, darling, you've got to go backwards in order to go forwards." "Isn't that..." "Isn't that right?" "'Cause, sweetheart..." "# Round like a circle in a spiral..." "Sweetheart?" "# Like a wheel within a wheel #" "What?" "What?" "What is the matter with you?" "I can't take any more of this!" "I'm fed up with being left out." "What is the matter with you?" "(BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE)" "Oh, get off!" "(BABY CRIES)" "What did you do?" "Nothing..." "You hit her!" "Darling, no..." "Why is she holding her face?" "I dunno, 'cause Eddy only hit her on the arm." "Reasonable force, darling." "The government says you can use reasonable force." "I don't want you in this house any more!" "She can't do that, Eddy." "It's not her house!" "It is." "Yeah, it is actually, darling, but in name only!" "I want you out!" "Well, just you, Eddy." "Just you, she said." "You want us out?" "So you can have your little family life, darling?" "Well, let me tell you something, this is family life." "We're having a domestic!" "Call the police!" "This is what it's like, darling, it's messy!" "It ain't ever going to be perfect like your little Heidi house you want with your Muffin, the mule." "It's not going to be like that, darling!" "Because we're not like the little people you had in your doll's house, that you can push around on stick furniture and make eat big plastic cake!" "This is it, sweetheart." "And do you know what?" "I'm bored of it." "You know something?" "Don't throw us out, 'cause we'll go." "Yeah, we'll find somewhere else, sweetheart." "You can have this." "You can have this for your little family life." "We'll move on." "Done everything I can do here!" "Come on, Pats." "Pats?" "Eddy, what have you done?" "What?" "We'll find somewhere else!" "Come on, sweetie..." "Eddy!" "This is all I know!" "This is where I come!" "You don't seem to understand." "I can do without food, without organs, but..." "This is my womb!" "This is my home!" "No, darling, this isn't your home." "Do you know why, sweetheart?" "Because a home isn't a place." "I read that." "A home, darling, is a transitory object." "It isn't stuff." "Home, darling, is people." "People who love you." "I'm your home, aren't I, Pats?" "I'm your home." "Come on, sweetheart." "Come on, let's go." "Come on." "Look..." "(GRUNTS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Saff, you're going to have to help me, darling!" "I think rigour has set in." "Oh, for God's sake!" "Ah!" "Eddy, bring my cigarettes." "(GRUNTS)" "(CRASHING)" "(MOUTHING)" "(MOUTHING)" "(STAPLE GUN FIRING)" "(STAPLE GUN FIRING)" "Oh!" "Ooh, there we are, dear." "They should stay up now." "But I don't think you'll be able to draw them." "The smell of glue will go off eventually." "Thank you, Gran, it's..." "They're lovely." "Will you be all right, dear?" "Yes." "You're better off without her, you know." "I know." "I bet they haven't got anywhere half as nice as this." "Mmm-hmm." "Oh, this is for you, dear." "Oh, thank you, Gran!" "What is it?" "It's my bill, dear." "I'll take a cheque." "(POPPING)" "PATSY:" "Eddy!" "Coming, darling!" "Eddy, I unpacked the glasses." "Well done, darling." "Oh, isn't this lovely, I love it." "Here." "Cheers!" "Cheers, darling!" "Cheers!" "Do you want to stay in here or do you want to move through?" "Let's move through to the other room." "Yeah, let's move through." "Let's take some nibbles." "This is lovely, isn't it?" "It's fabulous, Ed." "Better than Saffy's little place, eh?" "(CHUCKLES) Oh, God!" "Mmm." "I'm glad we got this." "I love these textures!" "Yeah, glad we got all these." "It's lovely." "It's lovely, Eddy." "Are you thinking of getting some curtains?" "I don't know." "What do you think?" "I don't mind it like this." "I like the space." "Yeah..." "Yeah, yeah." "I want to get more light in here."