"The dream is dead." "Say good-bye to the Schmidt Charitable Trust." "I don't know what that is." "But is that why you were throwing light bulbs against our garage?" " That was unrelated." " Oh." "It's the foundation that I was going to establish to take the Schmidt brand to the next level, but now I can't." " The name is taken." " What?" "Get a load of that." "The Schmidt Charitable Trust was established in 1948 by Cranston Schmidt, to promote nudity in restaurants." "Cranston Schmidt and his naked waitresses." "What am I supposed to do now?" "How can I show my peers that I make so much money that I could just throw it away on strangers?" "There is one way that you could maybe solve your problem." " What?" " You could use your first name." "What did you say?" "You are not a frat boy drinking at a keg anymore, okay?" "You are an executive now." " You're a baller." " I am a baller." "Also, I was never allowed in frats." "Too much hazing that required a visible penis." " Oh, baby." " JESS:" "Just do it." " (shouts)" " Like, who cares?" " How long have you been here?" " Long enough, Schmidt." "Yeah, we keep the camera running all day." "I'm trying to keep Jess company while she's in Portland." "Yeah, yesterday I watched Cece read for a while." "Oh, wow, that sounds like fun, Jess, good for you." " Cece..." " Jess needs us right now." "She's still mopey over Nick." "I'm not mopey." "I'm rad." "I'm gleaming the cube." "She's lying." "She's a wreck." "JESS:" "Ugh, Dad!" "Ugh, I'm on the phone!" "You're so embarrassing." "All he does is just recycle cans all day." "I wish his child bride would come back from Denver so he'd have someone else to bother." "Let's just get you out of this house." " Yeah, right." " Well, what are you going to do?" "You're gonna sit on this couch all day long?" "You'll get sofa butt." "Come on, let's go get some ice cream." "Ugh, I hate ice cream." "Dad!" " Nobody hates ice cream." " It's stupid." " I-I feel uncomfortable watching this." " Yeah, it's stupid, Dad." "It's so stupid." " Hey, Cece." " Dad." "Hi, Schmidt." "How are you?" "Dad!" "Don't talk to my friends!" "♪ ♪" "(Nick clearing throat)" "Achoo!" "(shushes)" "(clears throat)" " Oh, you're up." " You woke me up." "Hey, do you mind if I run something by you that's very personal, very hot button?" "I do..." "I need to rest." " I'm working nights this week." " Oh, as a police officer?" "No, Nick, as a prostitute." "Yes, as a cop." "Now will you please leave my room?" "I'm very tired and I need to get some rest." "I understand, but here it comes, I have to tell you." " I don't want to hear it." " Aly, I'm gonna tell you." " I swear to God." " I need to break up with Reagan" " but I don't know how to." " Damn it, Nick." "Oh, now you're involved." "So now that you're involved, we need to talk it out 'cause we're basically partners in this." " We're not partners." " Things with Reagan and I... haven't been working out, and last night it really came to a head." "It's just crazy." "You know," " I was just driving down the..." " Mm-hmm." "Sounds crazy." " Reagan." " Yes?" "I worked all day." "We haven't seen each other." "Don't you want to catch up?" "(sighs)" "Yes. (clears throat) Fine, what?" "What happened to you today?" "I saw a seagull in the backseat of a moving car." "Can we have sex now?" "Ugh, you don't get it." "Let's get it over with." "What does this have to do with me?" "I was hoping you'd tell me how to break up with her." "Just pretend you're an adult..." " and get it over with." " Yeah." "Train's already left the station, Nick." "The longer you wait, the worse it's gonna get." "The train already left the station, huh?" " Yep." " Thank you." "You're welcome." "Hey, say, wake up." "Question." "Excuse me." "Yes, Nick?" "Do you think that looks like a monster's butthole?" "I kind of do, yeah." "Yeah, me, too." "It's really gross." "What's going on, Schmidt?" "Man, are you having trouble ordering from that Jamaican restaurant again?" "I don't know how many times I got to tell you." "Don't walk in there using their accent 'cause it's kind of racist." "The time has finally come for me to launch my own brand." " Are you really not gonna turn around?" " Not yet." "This brand will be my legacy." "And this is where you come in." "Ooh!" "You had that timed right!" "I'm going to start using my first name again." "Schmidt, I think that is a very bad idea." "I have no choice!" "When I was born, my parents gave me a name." "Don't do this, Schmidt." "Ain't nothing but pain down that road." "It is the name that I was called for most of my life, and..." "I want my name back." "Isn't this fun?" "Remember, we used to come here all the time, every time you won a tennis match." " That was your other daughter." " Oh, yeah, yeah." "You-You were always in a production of Annie, but never Annie, though." "Priscilla, come here, come here." "I want you to meet my daughter, Jessica." "Remember?" "I told you about her." "She's the one that doesn't play tennis." "Oh, the teacher from Hollywood." "(laughs)" "Well, two rum raisin sundaes and whatever my daughter wants." "(Priscilla and Bob laugh)" "You." "(laughs)" "(quietly):" "Her husband fell down a spiral staircase." " What?" " He kept falling, falling, continually falling." "It was awful." "He didn't die." "But when he found out that he had become a viral sensation..." " he killed himself." " Ugh." "I know how he feels." "Jess, are you still upset about Nick?" "You got to, you got to move past that." "It's hard." "You don't know what it's like to be alone." "I do know what it's like." " Ashley and I broke up." " What?" "!" " Yeah." " When?" "Yeah, about six months ago." "Uh, but I-I didn't want to worry you." "Dad." "It's my job to worry." "Was it the 40-year age difference?" "Were you tired of waiters just asking again and again if it was a daddy-daughter dinner?" "Sorry, no, that's not..." "REAGAN:" "You said that the pill sold itself, so let me ask you, is the pill a cure for a kick in the balls?" "Because you're gonna need it." " Oh, no." " Hey, Nicky, what's up?" "Uh, I can wait." "No, it's okay, go ahead, I'm sorry." "I want to tell you... (mouths)" " What?" " I said what I needed to say." "Nothing came out of your mouth." "I feel like we're on a train." "Where are we going?" "We're going to San Diego." " What?" " I panicked and it just came out." "Let me tell you something, sister, your plan didn't work." "This wasn't my plan." "Well, you brought up trains, didn't you?" "And you got in my head." "San Diego part?" "Well, that's on me." "I'm not engaging with you over this." " So, what do we do now?" " I don't know, Nick." "I've never experienced a person trying to break up with someone, and instead inviting them on a beach vacation." "I didn't do this on purpose." "I feel like you led me here." " This is not on me." " So what do you want me to do?" "You want me to go break up with her down in San Diego?" "I don't, I don't care at this point." " Why?" "Because it's private?" " Live your life, man." "Because the weather is really nice?" "And what happens if it doesn't work out?" "I'm just gonna go move down to Mexico and start a new life?" "No one's suggesting any of this." "You're a genius." "(laughs)" "Thank you, Aly." "I knew I came to the right person." "I'll do it." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I feel like I should call San Diego to warn them about you." "But you seem convinced, so if it gets you out of here faster, God bless." " Do you believe in God, Aly?" " I believe in hell and I'm in it." " Oh, this is hell?" " Yes!" "Then why don't you stay out of my business?" "!" "That's all I'm trying to do, but you keep bringing me your business!" "Ah, to hell with you!" "We're going to San Diego!" " Fine!" " Fine!" " Go!" " I'm going!" "Don't say anything." "I should have known right from the start." "On our honeymoon, we're in the ocean, a-a-and Ashley sees a shark coming towards us." "You know what she does?" "She pushes me in front of it and says," ""Eat him!" "Eat him!"" " What?" " That-that was a clue." " That was a clue." " I just hate thinking of you all alone in that house." "I'm fine." "I got my cans." "Gets me out of bed in the morning." " What if you met someone new?" " Oh, no." " JESS:" "Really." " BOB:" "Aw, no." "Dad, what about..." " what about Priscilla?" " What?" " What?" "Come on." " No." "No." "I'm an old man." "She doesn't want an old man." "Look." "I've got a Band-Aid on my hand." "Not on the finger, the hand." "That is an old-man thing." "Okay." "Hey, Priscilla." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Hi." "I was wondering if you would like to get a decaf coffee and talk about local news with my dad." "Really, Bob?" "You want to take me out?" " Ha, ha, ha, you..." " (laughs)" "Let's do it." "Let's do it." "Yeah, I have a new jean jacket I've been wanting to break out." "It's stone-washed." "BOB:" "Okay." "Okay." "Well, that was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen." "Even though this morning I thought you were married." "What about you?" "I'm supposed to be cheering you up." "You did cheer me up." "You got me off of the couch." "It's good to be out of the house." "You kids have fun." "Okay, thanks." "So this is a surprise." "Where do you think we should go?" "Where do you think we should go?" "Look, Schmidt, we both know there's only room for one Winston." "And we found that out the hard way, didn't we?" "Homecoming weekend, 2002." " I'm Winston!" "I'm Winston!" " I'm Winston!" "I'm Winston!" "We can't live like this!" " Only one Winston." " Body slam!" "Get off!" "Get off!" "You'll kill him!" "We have tried every single variation." "Fat Winston, Thin Winston." "Too derogatory." "Black Winston, Jew Winston." "Obviously problematic." "Hot Winston, Ugly Winston." "Now... that nearly tore us apart." "Which is why we came up with the one-Winston rule." "Yeah, but those were angry times." "Let's make it double W's." "(exhales)" "Welcome back, Winston." "It's good to be back, Winston." " REAGAN:" "San Diego." " The wonderful San Diego." " Where are we staying?" " Not sure." "Maybe we're gonna get the nicest hotel in the city, huh?" "Maybe you're gonna stay there, and maybe I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles today." "I'm gonna stay in San Diego, and you're gonna go back?" "Who knows what's gonna happen down there?" "That's the fun of a trip like this." "Nick, you would tell me if you were gonna murder me, right?" "No, 'cause then you could prepare for it, you silly." "What is wrong with you?" " What is wrong with me?" " Yeah." "The guy taking you to San Diego... the Paris of Southern California?" " Okay." " You're losing it." "I'm acting totally normal." "You need a drink just to chill out." " What is wrong with you?" " Getting those drinks." "MAN (over P.A.):" "This stop, Anaheim." "(mouths)" "(train horn blows)" "(mouthing)" "You should have seen him." "The only time my dad gets that nervous is when he doesn't know where to print out his boarding pass." "It's so weird to think of him dating again." " BOB (moaning):" "Oh!" "Oh..." " Wait." "What is that?" "It sounds like someone's moving a washing machine." "Oh, my God, my dad's boning!" " My dad's boning!" "My dad's boning!" " Oh, my God, listen to me." "Get out of the house." "Get out of the house!" "(cans clattering loudly)" " BOB:" "Jess?" "Is that you?" " No." "Yes." "I mean, no, it's the cans." "I just, um..." "Finish what you're doing." "No, don't finish." "I mean, everyone deserves to finish... oh, God!" " (cans clattering)" " Oh, cans!" " Can we talk about this?" " Yeah, just one sec." "I'm just replacing the sound of your skin slapping against someone else's with the sound of crushing metal." "I didn't know you were gonna be home." "I thought you were gonna be out having a day." "And you were supposed to be having coffee." "You just put out on the first date?" "We had a connection." "I-I think I'm in love with her." "Oh, my God, I need more cans." "I got to have more cans." "Hey, you know, I'm a passionate guy." " All right." " What are you doing, Dad?" "Well, I mean, you were nice enough to help me to move on." "Now I'm gonna see if I can find somebody for you." "Got it." "My best friend Ray." "His son John." "Well, he's a little heavyset, but, you know, he makes a good living." "Dad, put the Rolodex down." "Look, we're not in the same boat, okay?" "I can't move on." "I love him." "Nick?" "What do you see in him?" "I mean, he looks like the only white waiter at a Chinese restaurant." "There isn't a logical explanation, but it is what it is." "I love him." "I wish I didn't, but I do." " Come here." " Dad, if you'll excuse me," "I have to go to the recycling plant." "It closes in an hour." "From now on, I will be Winston Schmidt, and he will be Winston Bishop." "We are both Winstons." "Wait, your first name is Winston?" " Did I know that?" " No." "I have not slept in 36 hours." "Well, you should get some sleep." " Isn't that right, Winston?" " Oh, absolutely, Winston." "Sleep is very important." "It is the most important, Winston." "Okay, this is already too much." "In my head it wasn't this annoying." "Winston, why don't you just go by "The Bish"?" " I'm sorry, are you talking to me?" " You know I'm talking to you." "I knew she was talking to you." " You knew the whole time?" " Yeah." "Ooh, I couldn't tell." "Wait a minute, why does Winston..." " Yes?" " Oh, my God." "Why does my Winston have to change his name?" " Schmidt, don't you have a middle name?" " I do have a middle name." " It's Saint-Marie." " Hmm." " And obviously I can't go by that." " That's hilarious." "Oh, hello, hello!" "Wait, what are you doing here?" "Oh, well, I couldn't break up with Reagan," " so I jumped off the train." " Hmm?" " Problem, problem solved." " What's up with you guys?" " Why didn't I know about this?" " I don't know, Schmidt, 'cause you weren't around, I guess." "Well, actually, I'm Winston now." "I'm using my first name again." "Uh... actually there can't be two Winstons." "It nearly destroyed us." "Nick, hold up, can we go back to that moment where you jumped off a train?" "Sure." "You find that part interesting?" "Okay, I don't care about the answer, but I feel like I got to ask, as someone who works in law enforcement... where is Reagan?" "Well, she's probably getting off at the next stop, and then she'll be on her way here for some sort of a reckoning," "I would imagine." ""Problem solved" was probably a bit of a, an overstatement." "The good news is that I don't have to break up with her 'cause now she's gonna break up with me." " Oh, Nick." " What is wrong with you?" "It's gonna be okay, Nick." "Give Winston a hug." " Come on." "Here we go." " Here you go, Winston." "I meant "me Winston."" " I'm "me Winston," too!" " Hey, guys!" "Reagan's on her way." "I've got too much to deal with to deal with this two Winstons thing." "What, I can't have a first name because you left some woman on a train?" "Don't put that on me, man!" "I'm not calling you Winston, Schmidt." "'Cause if I do, then what am I gonna call the real Winston?" "Call him I don't care!" "I don't care!" " Hey, Winston, you want to get a drink?" " Sure." " I'm down." " I was talking to that Winston." " Oh." " After the drink, you want to get some dinner, Winston?" " Ooh, you know your boy hungry." " Yes." "That time I was talking to this Winston." " So, I can come if you want." " I'm down to go." "No, I'm trying to figure it out, okay?" "Wait, time out." "Are we eating, or are we not eating?" "They're both real Winstons, but the old Winston is now The Bish." "I'm not calling my fiancé "The" anything." "Nah, man, this is taking me to a bad place." " I'm having..." "I'm having cold feet." " What?" "Yeah, the two Winstons thing is not gonna work..." "Nick is right." "You've had Winston for 15 years." "It's my turn." "I'm Winston." "You will never be Winston." " Oh, you want to dance?" "Yeah." " Oh, yeah?" "Okay." " Come on." " Come on." "Come on." " Okay, what is happening?" " WINSTON:" "Come on." " SCHMIDT:" "Come on." " I used to live by myself." " Come on." " Come on." "I had covered parking, I was happy." " I'm Winston." " Guys, no." "It's not about you, man." "I am Winston." "Shut up!" "I'll kill you!" "I'll murder you!" "NICK:" "I can't do this right now." "I got too much on my plate." " I'm Winston." " I'm Winston." " Nah, I'm Winston." " Ah, I'm Winston." "Yet, somehow, all the Michaels in the world manage to deal with this every day." "Mm-hmm." "Go to sleep, go to sleep." "(phone rings)" " Hello?" " Mr. Day." "It's Nick Miller." " Is Jess there?" " She's out." "Can I take what I assume will be an idiotic message?" "Ah, it's actually, it's kind of private." "Okay, fine." "Talk to you later." "Fine, I'll tell you, I'll tell you." "I'm breaking up with Reagan and it didn't quite go as planned." "I'm, I'm in a really bad situation and Jess always says the right thing and I, I really need her." "Let me, let me ask you a question." "You're in the ocean with Jess, and a shark starts coming towards you." " What do you do?" " Which ocean?" "I-I don't know, Pacific." " What type of shark?" " What the hell difference does it make?" "Well if it's a hammerhead, you just tickle it between the sideways eyes and you have a companion for life." "Then you got tiger sharks, you got whale sharks, you got trumpet sharks, which I believe are a thing... if not, it definitely should be." "It's just a regular shark." "You know what?" "Good-bye." "Okay, vague premise aside," "I don't know what I would do, but if Jess was with me," "I'm sure..." "I'm sure we'd be okay." "She's got that giant heart that's, that's part compass and, and part flashlight and... she's just the greatest person I have ever met." "Bob?" "Does that answer your question or what?" "It does." "Weirdly enough, it does." "But I also don't accept your weird-ass premise, man, 'cause it's absolutely preposterous..." " REAGAN:" "Nick." " NICK:" "Oh, my God." "She's here." "Nick." "Nicholas, I can see you." "Hey." "How was San Diego?" "Hey, so..." "Reagan's in your room, packing up her stuff." "What'd you say to her?" "Nothing." "I-I didn't say anything." "I just, uh, crawled out from under the bed where I was hiding." "She said, "It's over," which makes sense, and then I came in here, and this is now my fifth beer in as many minutes." " I'm impressed." " No, you shouldn't be." "I once drank nine beers in five minutes." "I hear that cry for help, but I meant the breakup." "You ended a relationship without any confrontation." "You got what you wanted." "Then why do I feel so terrible?" "Maybe you feel bad because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you, and you ended it like it didn't." "Right." "I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this, Aly." "But I'm also glad you were here 'cause I feel like we bonded." "It was one of the most frustrating days of my entire life." "I'm exhausted." "I feel like a single mom in a mop commercial." "Welcome to the loft." "Hey." "Taking a little trip?" "I hear San Diego's lovely." "I regret that." "I'm sorry I left you on the train, Reagan." "You deserve better than that." "The truth is, is I wanted to break up with you, and I didn't know how to." "Okay." "I mean, I'm not mad anymore, more just... scared of what it must be like to have to live inside of your head." "Look, I'm sorry." "It's okay." "I've been thinking about breaking up with you for a while." "So, we just wanted really different things." "I'm not good at good-byes, Nick." "I'm not good at good-byes either." "I think I'm gonna go stand in the closet for a little bit." "Okay." " Okay." " Okay." "Bye, Nick." "Yeah, bye, Reagan." "What do you want?" "To be your friend." "If you need the name Winston... to get you to where you're going, then..." "I'm not gonna stand in your way." "You're a good friend." "Uh, uh, what will I call you?" "Well, I was gonna give Saint-Marie a whirl, but then I was like, nah, that's a girl's name." "And I thought about Two-Shoes." " Two-Shoes." " Two-Shoes, yeah." "But then, in certain shoes that I have," "I have three of them, so... so I'm just gonna stick with The Bish." "Come here." "Thank you, The Bish." "Thanks, Winston." "Hey, you know what?" "Why don't you come on inside..." "Very weird." "Strange man." "I love Wednesday nights." "And this one's even more special, 'cause I got my name back." "I love you, Cece." "I love you so much, Winston." "Oh, God." "I don't like it!" "I don't like it!" "I don't like it!" " Damn it!" " Ugh..." "Take your name back." "SCHMIDT:" "I don't want it." " What's wrong with the name Winston?" " It's horrible, just take it back." "Worst name in the entire history of names." "What'd you say about my name?" "Stop." "N..." "You know what, I don't care." "Come on." "(shouts)" "Cha-ching." "Hey, hey, Jess!" "Jess!" "I've been trying to call you." "I-I talked to Nick." " What?" " He called looking for you, and... you know, oddly, I-I see what you see in him." "It doesn't matter." "He has a girlfriend." "He and Reagan broke up." "And you know something?" "I don't even think he realizes it, but he's still in love with you." "(grunting, shouting)" "I got you, I got you!" "I got you!" "Got your arm!" "I'm gonna break it." "WINSTON:" "Aah, that's my arm!" "I need it, I need it!" "♪ It's only a matter of time before life begins ♪" "♪ You talk to a stranger and suddenly you're friends... ♪" "There she goes." "Off to college." "Circle of life." "Okay." "♪ Before you even learn to break or bend... ♪" "(sighs)" "This is right." "I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna profess my love to Nick." " I'm very proud of you, sweetie." " Thanks, Dad." "I'm proud of you, too." "You really just... humped your way right into things, didn't you, Priscilla?" " I kinda wanted the front seat." " I called it."