" [man chants incantation]" "Hear me now, demon!" "[glass breaks]" "I vanquish thee!" "It...is finished." " You did it!" "You rid the studio of the evil spirit that had been haunting it." "Father, on behalf of the entire cast and crew of "Baretta," I thank you." " Now you're sure your star was never possessed by this demon?" " I'm pretty positive." "I mean, he's been in his dressing room the whole time hanging out with a certain running back from the Buffalo Bills." " Ten hut!" " I've confined the spirit to this jar." "Make certain it is never opened again." "♪ ♪" " No one will ever touch this jar." " [humming]" " Ugh." " Hi, Al." " Hey, Scott." "What if instead of eating three meals spread throughout the day," "I just ate one meal but it was three times as large?" "Ah, who am I kidding?" "I'll never find a plate big enough for all that food." " Ah, I'm in a similar situation, Al." "You see, in order to fit into my sexy Halloween costume," "I'm on Hollywood's latest weight loss scheme, the pickled eel crotch diet." " Ooh, that sounds disgusting." "Yoink!" " Ah, I don't see any picked eel crotches here for me to nosh on." "[chuckles]" "I knew I saw some somewhere around here." "Oh, lid's on tight." "Oh!" "[sniffs] Ooh!" "[dramatic organ music]" "♪ ♪" "Ew." "Hey, what a rip!" "There's no pickled eel crotches in here." "I guess dieting for one single meal minutes before I was gonna put on my sexy Borat costume wasn't gonna help me lose weight anyway." "Mm, I'll just wear my backup." " [laughing]" " It's "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!"" "Tonight's guests:" "Gillian Jacobs," "Scott's neighbor, Maximilian Blanc, and the studio is haunted." "Featuring me, "Weird Al" Yankovic, and your host, Scott Aukerman." "♪ ♪" " Hey, there." "Welcome to "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!"" "We have a great Halloween show for you tonight." "Gillian Jacobs is here as well as Maximilian Blanc." "I'm Scott Aukerman." "Oh, and did you know that statistically speaking, there are approximately 320 people watching this episode right now who have swallowed a spider in their sleep?" "Pretty gross, right?" "You may want to stay awake during this show just to be safe." "All right, well, let's say hello to our good friend, "Weird Al" Yankovic." " ♪ Doodely bop doodely bop ♪" "♪ Doodely bop doodely bop ♪" "♪ Eeba-eeba-eeba-eeb ♪" "♪ Doodely doo doo dow ♪" " Thank you, Al." "Happy Halloween." " Happy Halloween, Scott." "Hey, how come the studio isn't decorated?" ""Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" always has such great Halloween episodes." " Ah, but this year, old boy," "I have a new money-making scheme." "Did you know that there is a particular group of people who don't like Halloween?" " [screams]" " I know." "They're called senior citizens, and they hate Halloween because they know it's the one night of the year if they go outside and see something scary, they'll definitely have a heart attack and die." " I never thought of that." " Of course you didn't, Al." "You thought "bad" rhymed with "fat."" " In any case, I've invited several senior citizens to the studio and given them a place where they can be away from those unexpected frights, and thus I give you the "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" hauntless house." "♪ ♪" " Holy crap!" "A banner!" " I promise you, Al, tonight's episode will have absolutely zero scares." "[electricity zaps]" "What the?" " My laptop!" "It's floating." " My penny jar is floating, too." " Oh!" "My Coke is now a Coke float." "[wood cracks] both:" "Aaah!" " Whoa!" "[screaming]" "Oh, my God, Al." "We need to get rid of this ghost before the senior citizens show up and say" " Hello." " I'm Herbert Elderman, and I'm a representative of the Silver Hair Springs Retirement Community." "Is everything safe and sound for our visit tonight?" " Uh..." "Yes." " Good, 'cause if we're gonna spend our hard-earned Social Security money, we don't want any problems." "[shrieks]" " [demonic laughter]" " Ugh." " Oh, my God, our hauntless house became a hauntful house." " What are we gonna do?" " I think there's only one option:" "pray that it was a random occurrence and hope they never return." " That's the only option?" " For now, yeah." "All right, well, I'm excited to get to my first guest." "Fearless." "Fascinating." "Friend." "these three words into alphabetical order." "Please welcome Gillian Jacobs." " ♪ Oh, Gillian ♪" " Oh!" "[laughs]" " ♪ Thanks a million ♪" "♪ For being on our show ♪" " Fantastic." "Oh, I love it." "Please." "Oh!" "Pee-wee Herman!" " No." " No?" "Just a--what exactly are you?" " This is my grandfather's suit." "I found it in a box." " What did the box say?" "What was it labeled as?" " Okay, so you're wearing a Pee-wee Herman costume." " ♪ Pee-wee Herman ♪" " Fantastic." "You'll notice we put down some plastic for you." " Oh, is that 'cause of what I did the last time I was here?" " Yeah, you took a poo right on our couch." " I took a poo right on your couch." " I thought that was a little rude." " Well, I warned you before I came out that I had diarrhea." "I said, "I may poop on the couch,"" "and he said, "Who cares?"" " Look, if I'm gonna start disqualifying guests just because they have diarrhea, we're never gonna have anyone left." " [laughs]" " So now, Gillian, don't you agree this Halloween that kids would be smarter if instead of going trick or treating, they just pooled all of their money and then went down to Rite Aid and bought candy?" " Where are they getting the money from, these kids?" " Allowances." " I never got an allowance." " You never did chores?" " My mother made me fold rags." " What are these rags she's making you fold?" " Cleaning rags." "My mother insisted that rather than throwing them into a box, they be neatly folded, so the only time I was allowed to watch television was "Law  Order" and fold rags." " Okay, now I'm sort of getting your whole thing." " Mm-hmm." " Yeah, so you're like a watching "Law  Order,"" "folding rags kind of person." " All right, let's just keep this train moving." "What else you got for me, buddy boy?" "[snapping]" " All right, Gillian, let's say that it's the purge." " Okay." " How would you murder me?" " Hmm, I've thought about this a lot." " Yeah, I figured." " Well, you're taller than me." " So I don't think I could take you down in hand-to-hand combat but I could be poisoning you." "Perhaps I've already started." " I don't believe I've ingested anything." "Is there some sort of patch you've affixed to me?" " Have you?" "[trills tongue]" " I don't think you can just go--[trills tongue]" " Scott, would you care for some of my coffee?" " It has your lipstick all over it." " That's how you know it's not poisoned, 'cause I drank it already." " Guess it's the closest I'll ever come to--[gulps]" "There we go." " [laughs] [trills tongue]" "Or did you ingest something earlier today?" " I think you were just waving your arms in front of my face and then you gave me some of your coffee right now." " No, we just flash backed." " If we had flashed back, I think we would have had, like, a big clock wipe." " Do it in post." " We would have done it in post." " Do it in post." " ♪ Hollywood ♪" " Uh, Al, do you have a question for our guest?" " Yeah, um, do I make you horny, baby?" " Yeah." " Yeah, he does." " Good." " I figured." "He's always going around checking." "Check another one off the list, Al." " [laughs]" " So, Gillian, it's Halloween." "I thought maybe we could do something creepy." " [gasps] What'd you have in mind?" " It's a game called Bloody Mary and basically what you do is" " Say "bloody Mary" three times into a mirror and then see what shows up?" "Sure, that sounds fun." "Bloody Mary, bloody Mary, bloody Mary." "Oh!" "Mmm." " Whoa." " Mm-mm-mm." "So good." "That's what happens when you say "bloody Mary" three times?" "I thought a woman covered in blood shows up and kills you." " No, you just get a free bloody Mary." " Then why does anyone ever pay for a bloody Mary?" " I don't know." "People are dumb." "In fact, anything you say three times in the mirror shows up." "Try it." " Virgin sex on the beach, virgin sex on the beach, virgin sex on the beach." " I hear there's a virgin here who finally wants to have sex." " Oh, I was looking forward to joining you in a toast with a beverage comprised of one part orange juice, one part cranberry juice, one ounce of peach nectar, and a splash of grenadine." " But don't you want to" " Get this monkey's paw-style gift away from me." " Whoo!" "When I said "people are dumb," I meant you're dumb." " We'll be right back." "♪ ♪ [both slurp]" " If you love Halloween but hate how spooky it can be, check out "Not Too Spooky Spooky Halloween Songs."" "♪ I'm eating brains, brains, brains ♪" "♪ But they're cow brains ♪" "♪ Which are a delicacy in Italy ♪" "♪ There's a vampire coming for me ♪" "♪ But he's already full ♪" "♪ Mummy attack, but it's not a mummy from a scary tomb ♪" "♪ It's just a British mom saying, "Clean your room!" ♪" "Buy it now for 10,000 Lira?" "Why aren't we selling this in dollars?" "It looks like your real hair." " No, it's a wig." "Uh, we're here with Gillian Jacobs, and, Al," "I'm a little concerned that we may have a ghost in the studio." " Do you have a plan?" " Oh, I know." "What if we hung up some garlic?" "I hear garlic repels ghosts." "Ooh, and then we could open a window and it could float out of the studio." " Scott, that isn't gonna work." "Garlic doesn't repel ghosts." "It attracts Italians." "And opening a window isn't gonna do anything." "At most it'll probably just allow more Italians to climb into the studio." " Uh, Al, I think you're a little overly concerned about Italians." " Am I?" " I came in through the window." " Get the hell out of here!" " Arrivederce!" " Ugh, all right, let's take a look at this film" "I may or may not be starring in." "[spooky electronic music]" " Glass River Camp." "Fun, wholesome, safe." "♪ ♪" "But for these campers, all of that is about to change, because this nice place for a summer vacation just became the perfect place to die." "Coming to theaters this Halloween." " Okay, okay, guys." "Did you know that 20 years ago in these very woods, there was a camper by the name of Jerome Vermeesh?" " Oh, not this story again." " Shut up, Marcus." "I want to hear this." " Oh, my God, just hurry up so I can do a striptease." "♪ ♪" " Well, apparently no one knows what happened to him but one day he just snapped and he went on a murderous rampage." "[twig snaps]" " What was that noise?" " Probably just a bear coming to eat us." " [screams] [laughter] [twig snaps]" " Okay, this isn't funny anymore." "♪ ♪" " [all scream] [gun cocks] [all scream]" "♪ ♪" " Did you see that?" "He's got a--a gun." " That tool one uses for hunting sport or protecting one's family?" " It doesn't make any sense!" " I think he may have been pointing it...at us." "[screaming]" " Prepare yourself for an exercise in terror unlike anything you've ever seen before." " I would be better able to process this if he were chasing us with, like, an axe or a glove made of knives or something." " Hey, don't blame the weapon." "The gun isn't to blame." "The killer is." " You sure about that, dude?" "♪ ♪ [demonic laughter]" " The firearm." "It's possessed." " So that's why it's being turned on a human being in an act of aggression." " So the killer isn't to blame?" " In this case and in this one case only, the gun is to blame for this senseless violence." " [gasps]" " Aah!" "Seems like that's not the only gun that's possessed." " I don't want to die." " What do we do, dude?" " Outlaw all firearms?" " Impose strict background checks on those who purchase one?" " No way, that would impede the second amendment and I'm not about to re-write the Constitution." " [yelps]" " No!" "No!" "No!" "[screaming]" "[trigger clicks] [air hisses]" " Oh, thank God!" "Aaah!" " ♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪" "♪ Fire away ♪" " We'll be right back." "So how did you know my exact fetish?" " I got into your brain when you were sleeping." " Aaah!" " Aaah!" " I just don't think calling your employees "rat's dung"" "is going to make the coffee any hotter." " Well, what would you call them?" "We're here with Gillian Jacobs and if you're just joining us," "I believe our studio is haunted." "[door slams]" " Perhaps I can help." " Who are you?" " I am a medium." " Whoa, you can talk to ghosts?" " Yes, I am a medium." "Uh, between a small and a large, uh-huh." "I look forward to receiving my Big Dog T-shirt." "Ooh, sorry about that." "Hello." "I am Mangina and I am a medium." " Whoa, you're between a small and a large?" " Yes, and here's something I have never told anyone:" "I am a medium." " Whoa, you can talk to ghosts?" " Just like the ghosts that are haunting your studio." "[clears throat]" "Evil spirits, be gone." "[electricity zaps]" "Be gone!" "Oh, they're coming." "Be gone, evil spirit!" "Be gone out of here." "Oh, my goodness." "Oh, this is scary." "Oh, no!" "Now I'm not gonna get my Big Dog T-shirt." "Oh!" " Whadabubo!" "Whoa, that medium fit into a small jar." "[quirky xylophone music]" "All right, it's time to get to our next guest." "He's our neighbor who lives up the street from me." "Please welcome Maximilian Blanc." "Hello, sir." " And a curtsey to you." " Yes." " All right." "Mr. Blanc." "Welcome." " Yes, here we are." " Yes." " It's wonderful to be back here on a Hollywood talk show." " Now, yes." "You live up the street from me." "You're my neighbor." " Yes, Hollywood friends." "Sometimes it's a neighborhood connection that allows you to come on a program like this." " Well, you're not necessarily on the program to talk about acting as much as I've been noticing that a lot of our neighborhood, including those in the HOA, have a bit of an issue with the state of your mansion." " Yes, of course." "Some would call it dilapidated but I have exquisitely calibrated the level of dilapidation to my taste." " Really, so that old junky house that you live in." " Yes." " That's calibrated to what you like?" " Yes, everything in my manse is designed to be a memento of my life in the theater." "I've brought with me some of the complaints." " Oh, sure, let's hear some of these complaints." "When you say you brought them, what do you" " I've compiled them in a tome, of course." " Oh, gosh." "Wow." " Oh, my, my." " [blows]" " [coughs]" " "We find that Mr. Maximilian Blanc"-- that is I, star of the screen-- that's not in here, I just want you to" " You added it." "Yeah, I know, I know." " "Find that his estate has fallen into disrepair."" "They complain of the ruins of a marble birdbath." " You know, you have a broken birdbath out in the middle of your front yard." " Birds might not like it but the bats and rats are quite content with the water and sludge that's available in the birdbath." " That is not making it better!" " Mm." " They--[spits]" "They complain of bodies strewn about the property." " Corpses on the property is a problem." " These wax corpses are merely meant as mementos of my life in the horror cinema." " Yeah, but it's a nice neighborhood where children live." " Children are merely dead people at their earliest stages." " That's true." " That's a really morbid way of looking at it." " [laughs]" " That's a disturbing laugh and I'm not sure why you re-shut the book." "Was that just for effect?" " Silence, lest I call down powers from you know not where from." " Call 'em down!" " Very well, I shall." " Oh." " It's time for the cursening." " I don't think we need to curse anyone." " Let all who live near within sight of my manse at 86115 North Orion Dr-- perhaps I shouldn't give the real address?" " You didn't say the "V" in "Drive" so I think you're okay." " Maybe we can do an ADR." " That sounds good." "I promise we will." " Let all who neighbor a certain address be cursed." "Let each of their Tuesdays feel like Wednesdays." "Let you whenever you so leave your house do constantly believe that you've left something there that will never be found." "And most of all, may your residual checks be delivered unto an address where you no longer live." "[laughs]" " Oh, that's the most horrifying one of all." "We'll be right back." " [laughs]" "♪ ♪" "Are we quite done?" " Take that, you scamp." "Well, during the break, our seniors arrived and now they're about to take a tour of our hauntless house." "Welcome, guys." " Thank you, Scott." "We're so excited to be not scared." " Oh, great." "Don't get too excited." " Well, we're also sad about our good friend Herman who died when he visited you recently." "We assume it's from non-fright related reasons." " Oh, yes, definitely." "It was from old age." " Well, of course." "Did you know that old age is the leading cause of death amongst us oldies?" "[electricity zaps, malevolent laughter] [all wailing]" " Everyone evacuate your bowels and the studio!" " Wait." "Wait." "I know what's happening here." " Father Peters, Catholic church ghost division, retired." "I've been here once before." " Aaah!" " We haven't much time." "Let us all pray." "I remember how this goes." "I need a vessel to contain the demonic presence." " A vessel?" "Where am I gonna get-- deus ex machina!" "Mary's lucky jar of pennies!" " My one-cent coins!" " [speaking Latin]" "Hear me now, demon." "I vanquished you once." "I will vanquish you again!" "[all screaming]" " Oh." " It is finished." "Scott, you must make certain that jar is never opened again." " Uh, I think I got a way to make sure no one in Hollywood ever opens up this jar ever again." " Aw." "[laughter]" "Scott." " Huh?" "Huh?" " The wolf dead." " Absolutely."