"This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "And that's it." "Be at this address at 8:00." "Terrible neighborhood." "How do I know this is legit, huh?" "You walk in here, a man with a sock on his face, and you're going to tell me..." "It's tights." "Bless you." "I'm allergic to nylon." "You're gonna tell me about maybe the biggest drug transaction in history." "Why, huh?" "Why are you giving me this tip?" "I told you why." "Because these guys double-crossed me." "But why should I believe you, huh?" "I can't even see your face." "How do I know this isn't a set up?" "I'm sitting here talking to a Danskin." "I'm wearing this thing 'cause otherwise you'd recognize me." "I know you?" "God, does this itch." "Sheriff, you got the information, you can take it or leave it," "I gotta get an antihistamine." "Hey, Burt." "Dan, I'm sorry, I was just, uh..." "So, how are you feeling?" "Terrible." "Ah, dang, you're still feeling terrible." "No." "You just said you were feeling terrible." "I am, but I'm not still feeling terrible." "I'm feeling terrible all over again." "Danny, why are you feeling terrible now?" "I've fallen in love." "That's what I love about you, Danny." "You fall off a horse, you get right back on." "I don't even ride, Burt." "Okay, come on, who is she." "She's nice." "Uh-huh, uh-huh, nice." "That's good." "Nice is good, yeah." "But what's this, what, is she a hooker or what?" "What's the surprise in this one?" "She's..." "A college grad." "Whoa-ho-ho, this is very nice." "And she comes from a good family." "Hey, Danny, it's wonderful." "Finally, somebody in my family I can be proud of." "She's my stepmother." "Go ahead." "Blow my brains out, come on, blow them." "Danny, what is it with you, huh?" "What's next here, a gorilla?" "You haven't tried that one yet." "Burt, I'm shocked." "I come to you with a problem and..." "Problem, problem?" "This is not a problem, this is a sickness." "Your stepmother, your father's wife?" "This is terrific," "Tennessee Williams is now writing my life." "I don't know what to do, that's why I came to you." "I'm in love with her, Burt." "What can I do?" "What can you do?" "You could try saying no, next time you feel yourself getting involved with an iffy person like an axe murderer, or Qaddafi's wife, you could think twice." "I'm sorry I bothered you." "I thought, maybe, instead of jumping on me, you'd be understanding." "Ho-ho-ho, be understanding." "You don't know how understanding I've been lately." "I tried to understand your brother." "Hmm-hmm, what's to understand there?" "A part-time homosexual, who is now 90 years old, and from Minsk?" "Your mother." "I tried to understand your mother, but she's too busy watching babies fly, and mixing margaritas." "Chuck and Bob." "I never understood them." "Now you, fresh from true love with a hooker, tells me he is in love with his father's wife, and you say to me, be understanding?" "I could understand Swahili better than this." "Now, excuse me, but I gotta go." "I got things to do." "There's a whole world full of criminals out there, who, by the way, seem absolutely adorable, compared to this bunch here." "Why don't they call?" "They said they'd call by now." "Oh, Daddy, please try and calm down." "Calm down?" "How can I be calm?" "Communist dog stealing my wife." "Ex-wife." "They are probably torturing her right this very minute." "Is it bigger than a breadbox?" "Sí." "Is it a person?" "Sí." "Is it someone I know?" "Sí." "A famous person?" "Sí." "Living?" "Sí." "An actor?" "Sí." "Is it Jack Lemmon?" "Sí. you got it." "Oh, good, your turn." "Hello." "Operator?" "Yes, I'm trying to place a long-distance call to the United States of America." "Excuse me?" "Spell it?" "Operator, it's the United States of America." "What?" "What is it with this phone system you Americans got?" "All lines are busy." "Who makes calls from Malaguay to Connecticut on a Tuesday?" "Where are those keys..." "Wait, I got another way." "Go ahead, guess." "Is it bigger than a breadbox?" "Sí." "Is it a woman?" "Sí." "Is she married?" "Sí." "To a man?" "Sí." "A nice man?" "Oh, sí." "Is it Marlo Thomas?" "Sí, you got it." "Yay!" "Why don't they call?" "Why don't we call them?" "How could we call them?" "Sunday night the rates are lower, but you have to dial direct." "We don't know where they are." "Hello." "What?" "No." "Who was that?" "It was Barbie, wanted to know if Chuck was here." "El Puerco, why don't we just hop on a plane, and go over there ourselves." "Because Billy, we don't really know if Jessica is there or not." "Besides, Malaguayan Airlines is the worst." "The food is horrible." "The chicken's not too bad." "The stewardesses, however, give new meaning to the word ugly." "Why don't they call?" "They were supposed to have called by now." "Maybe she forgot the number." "Oh, Dutch, don't be ridiculous, who'd forget their own telephone number?" "Eight, nine, nine..." "No, no." "Wait I'll get it..." "No, no, eight." "Red, Red, you just got to remember your number." "This is relatively important." "Sandi, I never call myself." "I know my sister's number." "Call my sister and ask her my number." "Wait, I get it out of her." "Is it bigger than a breadbox?" "Will you stop it, you moron." "Wait, there is a nine." "Yes, there's definitely a nine." "Wonderful." "Or three threes." "Yes, Señora Incompetente Telefonista Lady Person." "I would like to place a long-distance call to Connecticut, America." "Tate residence, Dunn River." "Staring at it, won't make it ring." "Hello." "As a rule." "It's from Malaguay." "Yes, who's calling, please?" "Give me that." "This is Chester Tate." "What?" "Will I accept the charges?" "I certainly will not, are you crazy?" "A nation kidnaps the woman I love, and expects me to pay for the phone c..." "Give me that phone, you moron." "Hello, Sandia, this is you, eh?" "All right listen," "Listen, you commie, pinko, thug, kidnapper, home-wrecker." "Good, butter him up." "Don't worry, we want El Puerco." "Do we get him or not?" "I want to speak to Jessica first." "I'm not making any deals until I know that she's alive." "He's putting her on." "Give me that." "Hello, Jessiquita." "Oh, thank God." "Jessica, I..." "Gee, it sounds like you're right around the corner, what a terrific connection." "Jess?" "Jess?" "Oh, it's you." "I want you to know you made a terrible mistake." "Nobody deals with Chester Tate this way." "You got 36 hours to deliver El Puerco." "If he is not here:" "Remember 36 hours." "Have a nice day." "Well, that's that." "What?" "If you don't return to Malaguay in 36 hours, they're going to kill her." "Oh, good." "Oh, it's awful." "Señora, I can't keep taking the food back." "But this is my last meal, and I want it to be right, Private Eskimo." "No, no, Esquivo." "Señora, señora, please, this is the fourth time you sent it back." "I think the chef is getting real mad." "The last time I went in, he spit at me." "But after this dinner, I'll never eat again." "So, this meal and the memory of it has got to last me a long time." "Oh, you might tell the chef that a Cuisinart would make his life so much easier." "Padre, you can stop praying for me now." "Oh, I'm not praying for you." "I'm praying for me." "I'm praying he will still listen to me after what I've told him." "Never in my life have I listened to a confession like yours." "And I've had some biggies." "I've had the Pérons." "Actually, I haven't finished." "Oh, it's okay, he's got the flavor of it." "That's all he needs." "Red." "Ah, buenos Morgen, Sandi." "I hear you keep sending back your last meal." "The food is terrible." "I think you're stalling." "Wouldn't you?" "Red, I don't like doing this, believe me." "I feel very bad about it." "Probably not quite as bad as I feel." "I figured El Puerco would come." "I was counting on it." "But he hasn't." "I guess he doesn't love you." "El loves me, if he's not here it's for a very good reason." "Come on, Red, be nice, eat your last meal and enjoy it." "No, Sandi, it's just that I never thought I'd die like this." "I always thought I'd go like Joan of Arc." "I would like to go fighting." "Fighting bravely for my country." "Or in my sleep." "I want to go at my mother-in-law's." "It would drive her crazy." "A dead body in the house, yuck." "I want to go home." "We'll leave you alone, Red." "This is the last of the last meals." "Bon appétit." "See you at dawn, padre." "You should have asked for the strawberries." "They're not in season for another month." "Well, they were certainly right, when they said you work in mysterious ways." "So, I guess this is where I exit." "I could tell you I don't want to." "That I'm really not ready." "But you know that." "And I could tell you there are so many things" "I haven't done, it's really too soon." "But you know that." "I could tell you that," "I don't really care about any of those things." "All I really care about is my children." "I want to stay with my children." "But you know that." "Take care of them." "Please?" "Watch over them all." "I know," "I know they look big and grown-up." "But they're still my babies." "I guess, all I want is all I've ever really wanted." "For them to be healthy and happy." "If you could promise me that," "I really wouldn't mind going at all." "Hmm?" "I don't believe this." "It's unbelievable." "I mean I always like sex, but to go on for three days." "I'm not even tired." "Me either." "You'd think after three days I'd be exhausted, but I feel like I could run a marathon." "You did." "So, how come we stopped?" "The bed broke." "Oh, yeah." "Sex with you is like eating pistachio nuts." "Thanks." "I think we reached the Ajax." "That's apex." "You know, this makes all the other times feel like a dental appointment." "Danny, do you think we're falling in love?" "There's more to sex than love." "You don't think we're falling in love?" "Yeah, yeah, I think we're falling in love." "Only we got two big problems." "The first is, you're a married woman." "And the second is, your husband is my father." "You think he'll be mad?" "Annie?" "Oh, my God, it's Chester." "Quick, hide." "Quick, quick." "Get under there." "Chester." "Oh, Annie, Annie, Annie." "Chester, what're you doing here?" "Annie, Annie, Annie, Annie, Annie." "Chester, Chester, it won't work." "Oh, you think I'm here to grovel and beg you to take me back, don't you?" "Yes." "Would you?" "No." "Why not?" "Because you're a chronically unhappy, and demented human being." "Doesn't mean I'm not a nice person." "Chester get out of here," "I don't want you in my life anymore." "I know, I just wanted to say goodbye." "Goodbye, goodbye." "I'm sick, Annie." "I'm a sick man." "I can't be happy." "I wasn't happy with Jessica." "I wasn't happy with you." "I don't expect you to understand, but it's all right because I'm going to a place, where even I can finally find a little peace." "Maui?" "Death." "Chester!" "Yes." "Tomorrow, I fight a duel with El Puerco." "I don't want to duel him, I don't even like him." "But he'll kill me." "And my suffering will be over." "Tomorrow I'll find my peace." "I'll meet my destiny." "You know, I almost feel at peace now, just thinking about..." "What was that?" "Chester, you're on my leg." "Hi, Dad." "Well, I like this." "I really like this." "You think I like this." "I don't like this one bit." "Chester." "I don't believe it." "I don't believe it." "You, you and you." "Both of you." "My son and my wife, this is the final degradation." "I see you got yourself a little gun there." "Sure is a beauty." "Now, I hope you have a license for that, Dad, otherwise I'm going to have to put you on report." "You think you can make a fool out of me, do you?" "You feel foolish now, is that it?" "Oh, sure, go ahead." "Chester Tate, the laughingstock of Connecticut." "Well, let me tell you one thing." "I will have the last laugh before El Puerco shoots me." "I'll find a little retribution." "Well, that's great, Dad." "Where you gonna find it?" "Right here." "Tomorrow I die." "Tonight, you die." "Atención." "The heat is awful." "No, no, it's not the heat, it's the humidity." "Would you like a blindfold?" "Oh, what colors do you have?" "No, you see we blindfold you, so you don't see the men shoot you." "Well, that's silly." "If you don't want me to see them shoot me, then why do you make them shoot me?" "You know, the amazing thing about it is that if you listen, she actually makes sense." "Boys, boys, now, just a minute." "Let's take a vote here." "How many of you really, really want to shoot me?" "Raise your hands." "See, not one hand." "Would you like a cigarette?" "No, no, I haven't smoked in all these years," "I'm not about to start now." "In that case, let's get on with it." "Wouldn't you like to do this tomorrow?" "Let's go to the beach this afternoon." "That's a good idea, we could pack a lunch." "I'll bring a Frisbee." "Stand against the wall." "Well, I'll stand almost against the wall." "Sandi, you really should have someone clean up this wall, once in a while." "Atención." "Ready." "Aim..." "Uh, I wonder, could I say one word before I go?" "Take five." "See, Sandi, I understand that sometimes when two groups don't believe the same way that this sort of thing can happen." "And I do believe that you believe your intentions are just." "Believe me, I admire anyone who believes in a cause." "However, I don't believe that shooting one woman from Connecticut is going to help you." "Goodbye, señora." "Good luck, private." "Atención." "Ready." "Aim." "Fire." "Can Chester really kill his son and his wife?" "Has Burt really walked into an ambush that he may never walk out of?" "Has the firing squad really shot Jessica?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap."