"â™ª" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, Martha Kelly." "(crowd cheering)" "Um, it's really great to be in New Orleans." "I, um, I live in Austin, but I'm from California, and my whole family is still out there." "And I miss them a lot." "Um, especially my niece and nephew, who are really little." "I'm really close to them." "When they were babies, I saw them almost every day, and those bonds really changed my life." "But they didn't change my decision not to have kids of my own." "And, uh..." "It's not 'cause I don't think they're great." "I love kids and babies, but, um, there's just a big difference between loving babies and wanting to be a parent." "Um, to me, those two things are as different as loving roller coasters and wanting to (bleep) a carnie." "(laughter) So..." "Just... breaking the ice with the F-word." "Uh..." "But also just, um, to be clear, there's nothing wrong with making love to someone who works at a carnival, so please don't be offended." "(sighs) Um..." "One of the four times that I've moved from L.A. to Austin," "I drove there, uh, with my four cats and my dog in the car." "And, um, I rented a giant SUV, and I put these big kennels in the back for the cats where I had food and water dishes and litter boxes and blankets." "But even with all those amenities, there were a lot of angry accusations coming from the back of the car." "Um, for a couple hours." "And then it just got completely silent." "And that made me kind of nervous, 'cause I didn't know if maybe they were planning something." "So, I just pulled over and I called a family meeting, and I just, um..." "I explained to the cats, like," ""I know that this drive across country is difficult," ""but living in Austin again is gonna make life better" ""for all of us." ""And there is no (meows)" ""in 'team.'" ""So, please, uh... get with it." Um..." "A little bit of trivia." "Um, all five of those pets are dead now." "And, uh, not-- it wasn't from foul play." "Uh, they got old and then sick, and then you have to put them to sleep, which is the heartbreaking part of having pets." "They don't live as long as we do." "But I got another dog and a kitten." "And, like, you just have to stay on-on the ride, you can't get off." "When they die, you have to just keep getting more pets until you die." "And, um..." "But you have-- you do have to put them to sleep so that" " I mean, you ha-- I mean, you have to kill them." "So they won't... (chuckles)" "So they won't suffer." "Like, that's your duty." "And the first one that I had to do that with," "I was not at all emotionally prepared for it, and, um..." "I hired a vet to come to the house and do it, so that my cat wouldn't have to go through the stress of a car ride and an office visit." "So the vet came to the house, and I held my cat in my arms, and they gave her the shots." "And she went very peacefully." "And then the vet left, and then I just sat there with my cat in my arms, crying and holding her for, like, a half hour;" "I just couldn't put her down." "And mostly I was crying from grief, but there were also a few tears of triumph because she never let me hold her like that when she was alive." "So..." "Uh..." "Kind of..." "I kind of won that round, uh, with her." "(chuckles)" "Um..." "It doesn't, doesn't get any easier." "The, um, last of those five original pets" "I had to put her to sleep this past January." "She was 19, and I got her when she was just a couple weeks old." "It was a-- one of the cats." "And, um... and, again, I had a vet come to the house." "It was really hard." "I was-- it really hit me hard." "And it was at least a couple of weeks before I could even bring myself to go through her belongings." "But..." "I finally did, um, and when I was in her section of the closet, I found... um, a letter with my name on it." "So I'm just gonna read it... really quickly." "Um..." "If I can unfold it." "Um... (clears throat) Excuse me." "Okay." "(sighs)" "Um, "Dear Martha," ""if you've found this, it means that I've passed away." ""I'm sure you're very sad about it," ""but I want you to know that I had a good life with you" ""and, if I could have, I would've lived with you forever." ""Please take comfort in the fact that I'm no longer suffering" ""and know that, if there is an afterlife," ""I will try to find you there." ""In regards to settling my affairs here on Earth," ""there is one situation I got into" ""that will require your attention." ""The other day, I overheard you speaking to a vet on the phone" ""about in-home euthanasia," ""and I misunderstood the nature of that call." ""While I knew I was on the decline," ""I thought for a moment that you were making plans" ""to kill the dog as sort of a Make-A-Wish Foundation" ""gift to me." ""So I rented a party bus with your credit card." ""Despite leaving you in a bit of a pickle," ""I hope you will remember me fondly." ""I know I wasn't a perfect cat," ""but I loved you with all my heart." ""In light of that fact," ""please do me the favor of honoring my dying wish." ""I know you plan to have me cremated," ""so when you get my ashes back, if it's not too much trouble, could you please throw them in the dog's face?"" "Uh, well..." "I don't know if I'll honor that." "Obviously, I love animals a lot." "And, um, I recently have become a vegetarian, and also kind of an animal activist." "Um, I'm not in PETA, but I have watchedBlackfish a bunch of times." "(laughter)" "And, uh, I bring it up at the drop of a hat." "And if you haven't seen it, it's a documentary about this killer whale that was captured from the wild when he was a baby." "And he's lived in captivity his whole life and he's killed three people." "And the last one was his trainer." "And, um, he's not the only killer whale in captivity that has attacked trainers." "There's another one that killed a trainer." "And then there's a bunch of 'em that have attacked and injured trainers." "And..." "SeaWorld has been around for over 50 years now." "I just feel like it should be really obvious at this point that we need to stop encouraging these whales to pursue careers in show business, because they are super unprofessional and... they should... (crowd cheering)" "Oh, well..." "Thanks, guys." "I was kind of nervous about taking a drink of water." "I was afraid I was gonna accidentally throw it in my face, but, um..." "Little..." "a little high energy." "Um..." "Sorry." "Um, I also-- one of my other radical ideas about animal rights is:" "I don't think that we should ride horses anymore." "I feel like they really hate it." "Um, they have to hate it, because if they didn't, then how come we never see horses giving rides to other animals in the wild?" "It seems like... something they would do." "It would be super cute." "Um..." "The, uh-- speaking of the Wild West-- not really, but just in lieu of a segue, um... the first time that I moved to Austin, Texas, was in, uh, the year 2000." "And I moved there and hit the ground running, and I went out drinking and smoking every single night for a year straight." "And it was really fun for awhile, but after a few months," "I started to feel a little bit weird, because before I moved to Austin," "I had kind of imagined myself becoming a new person once I lived there." "It just had never occurred to me that that person might be Nick Nolte." "Bless his heart." "Um..." "I quit drinking in December of 2003 and, um," "I like being so..." "(crowd cheering)" "Well, let's not get carried away." "Um... (chuckles)" "It's fine." "Like, I'm glad." "I actually" " I like being sober." "I'm used to it now, but in the beginning, I did not like it." "It was really hard, and, uh, for awhile, I just hated it." "And then after a few months, I realized that since I was no longer spending every night getting drunk and then every day recovering from the hangovers," "I had time and energy for stuff I'd never done before, like crying and cussing at strangers." "So, it's fun." "I, um..." "I have a twin sister and, um, she's a writer and she got a book published." "And she's a great writer." "I'm really proud of her for getting her book published." "Um, I can't read it because it's a memoir about when she worked in the S and M industry, and I just can't, uh, can't read it." "Uh..." "I don't mean to be judgmental about it." "Like, um, it's just that we're really different." "Like, I would never ever write a book about my sexcapades." "Um, partly because I'm really private about that stuff, but also because none of the sex I've had really qualifies as "scapades."" "So... can't really... do it." "Um..." "I always wanted to know what it feels like to be one of those super organized people, and so, a couple weeks ago, I cleaned my whole apartment." "And I put all my stuff in boxes." "And that felt kind of interesting." "So then I went and got a label maker." "And I put labels on each of the boxes according to what was inside." "And so, now I just have this box of razor blades that says "Plan B" on it." "So... that's not... that's kind of..." "Too much, ma'am." "(chuckles)" "Ma'am or sir, um..." "I, um..." "The other night, I was in the middle of a freestyle" "TV watching jam session." "And, uh, I came across my favorite show, which is an infomercial for a product called the Total Trolley." "And it's a great product." "It's a ladder that, when you put it on its side, um, wheels pop out and you can push furniture on it." "I'm not really sure what it does, but the reason I love that infomercial is because of the customer testimonials." "Because they're all really heartfelt." "And the best one is this guy who looks straight into the camera and says, "We use the Total Trolley so much at our house" ""that we've started to think of it as a member of our family."" "And, um..." "To be honest," "I kind of fell in love with him when I saw that, and want to-- kind of want to marry him, 'cause I feel like what an open heart that you will accept literally anything into your family." "Um, but also, I just would love to get to go to their family reunions so I could meet Uncle Total Trolley." "And, uh, maybe his wife, Swiffer Mop, would come." "That's dumb." "Um..." "I used to work in offices a lot." "And the last job I had, I got through a temp agency." "They called me on a Friday and said they had an assignment for me starting the following Monday." "And it had been a while since I worked in an office, so I thought I should probably do something over the weekend to prepare to get back into all the typing and filing and phone answering and whatnot." "So what I did is I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool." "(laughter)" "And then right when I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break." "And then..." "(crowd cheering)" "No." "That was... (laughs)" "Well... that's very, very sweet." "You might be overreacting." "Uh..." "Um, at that job, for one project..." "Their whole-- the building-- the whole basement was just file cabinets." "So for one project, they had me go down there and I filed every day, all day, for two weeks straight." "And at the end of that two weeks, it finally occurred to me I'd probably be better off if I just went ahead and joined a cult." "Because at least in a cult, when they suck the life force out of you, they throw in some group sex and a weird haircut." "And that's kind of fun." "There was a period of time between odd jobs and starting to make a living with, um, stand-up where I thought about changing careers and maybe becoming a motivational speaker." "And I had this idea for a seminar that I could give called" ""The Encounters with Depression Power Weekend."" "And there were gonna be three, uh, classes." "And at-- the first one is called "Potato Chips:" "Friend or Foe?"" "Um... the second one was "Going Outside and Other Tales of Courage."" "And then the last one was called" ""Sleeping It Off:" "It's Never Too Early to Go Back to Bed."" "So... (applause) Well..." "Thanks, guys." "Um..." "You might not be able to tell because I'm up on an elevated stage, but I'm actually quite short." "And, um, I don't mind being short." "It's not a problem most of the time." "There's one thing that is a problem, which is there's a segment of the population that believes that short adults remain childlike, in that we enjoy the sensation of being lifted off our feet." "And, um, I feel totally comfortable speaking for every short person in the world in saying we don't like that at all." "We don't like being picked up." "Don't... do not pick up a fellow adult, no matter how short they are." "It's really uncomfortable." "Um, it's never like the movies where you're like, "Whee!"" "It's always like you're-- they almost drop you." "Um... and then, like, your shirt pulls up in the back." "Um..." "It's really..." "It's actually traumatic, um, when I remember it." "There's one exception to that rule." "There's one time where I think it's okay with short people if you pick them up." "And that's-- this is how that scenario goes." "You see someone coming towards you with the intention to pick you up." "And it's usually a guy." "And it's almost always someone who's had a few drinks." "And you put your hand out." "You're like, "Stop." ""Don't do it." "I don't want you to pick me up." "Do not do that."" "And he ignores you and comes in and picks you up anyway and then grunts in pain because you're heavier than he expected you to be." "If it ends with a trip to urgent care, then it's totally fine to pick up a short person." "Otherwise, don't do it." "I, um, grew up outside of Los Angeles and lived in the city for a while when I was a young adult." "And I found it to be kind of a scary place." "There's just so many people." "One scary thing that happened to me is, uh," "I was at a stoplight, and I used to have an old, uh, '71 Volkswagen Bug." "And they don't have air conditioning, so I always had my windows rolled down." "And I was at this stoplight, and a guy in a car next to me started talking to me." "And at first, he was talking to me about the car, which I didn't think was a big deal because some people are into old Bugs." "But, um, when the light changed," "I was really relieved and I tried to speed away, but in a Volkswagen Bug, it's a little difficult to speed away, so he caught up to me at the next light." "And he started talking again." "And finally he goes, "Hey, why don't you give me your phone number and we could go out for coffee sometime?"" "And then I thought about it and was like," ""Um, how about I'll just meet you naked at a shallow grave and you can push me in?"" "'Cause..." "(laughter) that's clearly where we're headed." "And... we don't need to bring coffee into it." "Um... if that's what's happening." "Um..." "I haven't seen the newStar Warsmovie yet." "I heard it's great and I plan to see it." "I like theStar Warsfranchise, but I'm a little bummed that there aren't female Jedi." "I don't really understand that." "Like, um, if being a Jedi were about physical strength, then I would understand why it's mostly men, because most men are physically stronger than most women." "But, um, Yoda is a Jedi, and he's a crippled puppet, so... clearly it's not about strength." "Um..." "I, um..." "I was in a minor car accident not too long ago." "It was during rush hour, so luckily we weren't going very fast." "And this lady rear-ended me." "And, um, we both pulled over and I got out of my car, and she didn't get out of hers." "She just leaned out of her SUV and said," ""You're okay, right?"" "And I said, "Yeah, I'm okay."" "And then she started to get back, just close the door like she was gonna drive away, which kind of made me mad, so I yelled at her and was like, "What are you doing?"" "And she leaned back out and said, "What's your problem?"" "And I said, "Well, you ran into me." "Aren't you at least gonna apologize?"" "And she said, "Well, I didn't do it on purpose." "That's why they call it an accident."" "And then..." "I was kind of flabbergasted." "I was like, "I know," ""I know what 'accident' means, A," ""and, B, still when people accidentally" ""run into each other, a lot of times, they go," "'Hey, I'm sorry I hit you.'"" "And then she goes," ""Well, if you'll recall, the first words out of my mouth were, 'Are you okay?" "'"" "And then I said, "I do recall your first words, ma'am." ""And I also have a prediction" ""for what your last words might be," ""which is, 'Help, I'm being choked and I kind of asked for it.'"" "Um..." "Hey, that's all for me, guys." "Thank you so much." "(crowd cheering)" "I really appreciate it." "Thank you." "Captioning sponsored by TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT GROUP" "Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org â™ª"