"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Tom Hollander." "In the news this week - on a Labour team bonding weekend in the Lake District, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell go paragliding." "More extraordinary footage emerges on Planet Earth II when David Attenborough goes filming as the pubs close in Glasgow." "And on a holiday in San Francisco," "Daniel Craig regrets telling his family," ""I've been doing this for years." ""Trust me, it's easy."" "On Paul's team tonight is the Ukip leadership candidate who said her aim was to get rid of the Labour Party." "That's going terrifically well, what have you been doing?" "Please welcome Suzanne Evans." "APPLAUSE" "And with Ian tonight, a comedian who went to the same public school as George Osborne." "He even used to steal his lunch money " "£500 a day!" "Welcome, Hal Cruttenden." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with one of the biggest stories of the week." "Paul and Suzanne, take a look at this." "Castro, known for rapidly ageing." "There he's going, look." "And also famous for his long, slow walk and millions of Cubans, in tribute to him, are also attempting the same slow walk." "And there's a little old guy having a dance. "Havana" a dance, even!" "SILENCE" "Er, yes." "We should edit the groan out, otherwise it's going to make the programme sound like an autopsy." " Castro." " Yes." " Good dictator or bad dictator?" "There's no such thing as a good dictator, surely?" "They're all bad." "He did replace Batista, who was a very, very bad dictator, who turned Cuba into an enormous brothel run entirely by American Mafiosi." "So, the start was quite good, then there was the summary executions and the mass murders and then it got less good." "But, you know, everything goes off, doesn't it?" "All political parties start with good ideas, don't they, Suzanne?" "Give them a little power..." "Well, it may not happen to you lot, obviously." "APPLAUSE" "There were some gushing tributes to Castro." "Who was the gushiest?" "Jeremy Corbyn was pretty gushy." "He said he was a champion of social justice." "Jeremy's phrase "for all his flaws" didn't go unnoticed on social media." ""For all his flaws"..." "For all Jeremy's flaws, what is he particularly skilled at?" "Is he a beekeeper?" "Jeremy Corbyn is particularly skilled at making an exit." "Here he is delicately extricating himself from an interview on the NHS." "Thanks, Jeremy." "I'd like to say a massive thank you to everyone here and across the country for making calls tonight and to all those who'll be attending an event..." "APPLAUSE" "That's marvellous, isn't it?" "It would have been an amusing moment if he'd kept going back and then you just heard a cry and you saw sort of fluttering curtains." "Or Tony Blair then edges into shot." "Castro's burial is being held this weekend." "Which heads of state will be attending?" "Mugabe and Zuma and then whoever's in charge of Bolivia." " I think it's the big dictators' piss-up." " Yeah." "They're all going to go along and say, "This is how you run a country." ""Certainly how I run one!"" "But Putin is not going, is he, even though he's a fan?" "I don't know, it's not here." " Am I right on this?" " I've no idea." "He's not going, but Putin..." " I thought you were well up on..." " No, no, no." " Are you not Ian Hislop of..." "No!" "This man has won a competition to be here tonight." "Who is Britain sending as a mark of respect?" "Joe Pasquale?" " Alan Duncan." " Alan Duncan?" " Sir Alan Duncan." "What's his actual position, Alan Duncan?" "Alan Duncan, he's Keeper of the Glasses." "It's a little unfair cos he doesn't normally wear glasses." " Who are Ukip sending?" " Oh, we're not sending anyone." "Well, not as far as I'm aware." "Right, would you be aware if..." "Yeah, I think so!" "APPLAUSE" "It's said that the CIA made 638 attempts to kill Castro so let's play a game of Assassination Attempt" " True or False." "Yes, brilliant!" "I'll name an assassination attempt." "You buzz in to say if it's true or false." "Well, how can we buzz true or false?" "You buzz if you think you know the answer and then you say whether you think it's true or false." "OK, yeah, that's good." "That'll work." "Poisoned shoe polish - true or false?" " True." " BELL RINGS" " Yes." " But I buzzed." "That's where the system breaks down." "Yeah, shoe polish laced with thallium sulphate was supposed to make his hair and beard fall out, leading to a loss of popularity among the people, which they believed was due to his hairiness, and would then depose him." "Unless he had access to a wig." "This is the next assassination attempt." "The CIA persuaded Castro's friend to hit him over the head with a big book." "BUZZING" " No, false." " False." "Yes, correct." " OK, next one, we can do better." " Go on, then." "Shrinking spectacles that would gradually tighten their grip around Castro's head..." "BUZZING" "..until his eyes popped out." "You've buzzed." " True." " No!" " No." " It's false." "Of course it's false." "Next one, toilet paper that would catch fire from the friction when wiped against human skin." "BUZZER" "That's one of my worst nightmares." "You ought to change brands." " Paul, is it true or false?" " Definitely false." " Yes." "Finally, poisoned wet suit." "BUZZER" " True." " Yes." "They lined his suit with something because he liked scuba-diving." "That was his thing, cigars and suits." "Didn't they put a fake bomb in a shell at the bottom of the sea?" " Yeah..." " That sounds like a bad episode of SpongeBob SquarePants." "There's no such thing." "This is the news that the CIA finally got their man, with the success of Operation Old Age." "To mark Castro's death," "Cuba has declared nine days of national mourning... which will bring the economy to a complete standstill." "Well, it is what he would have wanted." "Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson will not be attending the funeral of Fidel Castro." "The notorious womanising rebel who led his tiny island into one of the most disastrous chapters of its history will stay at home in London." "Ian and Hal, take a look at this." " Oh, it's the Mad Hatters." " They're not fruitcakes at all." "Ukip, that is the new leader." "The one next to him, "No, I don't want the job." "Not me, no."" "Look, it is the youth wing." "This is the big news." "They had an election and you were up for this, weren't you?" "Paul Nuttall won the contest with an impressive 62.6% of the 5,370 votes cast." "But who was a close second... with 19.3%?" "Suzanne Evans." "APPLAUSE" "This is impressive." "Metropolitan, liberal London audience clapping" "Ukip election results." "She's a loser, though, that's why we are clapping." " APPLAUSE" " Not that you are a loser!" "You're not." "It's a good thing." " Do you feel badly about it?" " No." "Not at all." "At least you beat the man who said a gay donkey raped his horse." "I..." "I did." " By 200 votes." "Impressive." " You can mock when you stand for election." " You can mock then." " I can safely say I won't be doing that." " You have got a job, haven't you?" " I have, I got my old job back." " What is it again?" " Deputy chairman." " What does that involve?" "I wrote the manifesto in 2015 and I expect I'll be writing it" " again in 2020." " Will it change at all?" " Yes, a little bit." "Last time, you got one MP." "It will have to change because the Tories have nicked all our policies." " We haven't got many left from 2015." " So you're going for Labour now?" "We're going for everybody but particularly Labour." "I have always said," "Ukip has got most chance among the working classes that the Labour Party has completely forgot, who don't recognise the Labour Party any more." "Have you seen Labour's standing in the polls?" "It is not a very big ambition... to beat them, is it?" " Have you got any money?" " At Ukip?" "Or me personally?" "I wasn't going to borrow some." "We have some money and I am sure now Paul Nuttall is leader, we will have a lot more money from a lot more people who warm to Ukip because we have got a different man at the top." " You said that so convincingly!" " Well, I am convinced." "He is a good man, Paul, a very good man." "He looks quite scary, doesn't he?" "If you're honest." " SUZANNE:" " You say that." "He got into a bit of trouble because somebody kept changing his Wikipedia page to say that he used to be Bungle in Rainbow." "Still no denial from Paul on whether he was in the Muppets, though." "What do we know about Paul Nuttall?" "He's a lovely man, despite appearances." " SUZANNE:" " He has done just about every other job in the party, apart from leader." "He has done his apprenticeship and now he has the top job." "Congratulations, Paul." " HAL:" " You are trying so hard to be nice about it." "I like that." ""Congratulations, Paul." "I'm absolutely fine."" "I'm fine!" " What do you want her to do, go round and deck him?" " She is being gracious." "Gracious in defeat." "He has got some strong opinions on abortion, the death penalty, climate change, the burkha and gay people." "And he once tweeted..." " What are Nuttall's plans?" " To hold the government to a hard Brexit." "If Mrs May, at any point, goes soft, Nuttall will be there." "That's the motto. "Don't go soft, Nuttall's watching."" "We definitely want a hard Brexit." "It is got to be hard to be good, everybody knows that." " This is pornographic." " Any offers of panto this year?" "There are the shockingly high EU immigration figures" " that have just come out." " Yeah, record EU immigration figures today." " HAL:" " They are all coming over!" "There could be some in here, Suzanne!" "Take cover under the desk." "Oh, my God!" "Strange accents and everything." "You see, this is a fundamental misunderstanding about Ukip." "We're not anti-immigration at all..." " HOWLS OF LAUGHTER" " It's true." "You see, that's the problem with the message." "It hasn't really got across." "It does say something that the Prime Minister, who promised to cut immigration down, in the Home Office, has not managed to do it at all." "It has increased." "Actually, it is quite interesting because the Prime Minister has been much more hardline on EU immigration than Ukip is." "Well, that's politics now, isn't it?" "Interestingly, lots of people are trying to get in and this is why the figures have spiked before the Brexit shutters come down." "So that is your fault, Suzanne." "This is Ukip's latest leadership election." "Paul Nuttall won 62% of the vote in the ballot of Ukip grassroots members, though a series of late-night tweets almost swung it for Eric Bristow." "Paul Nuttall is targeting Labour seats and at the moment, he does have an advantage over Jeremy Corbyn." "The only way Nuttall could split his parliamentary party is by sawing Douglas Carswell in half." "Paul Nuttall accuses Labour of having lost touch and only caring about..." "Such as, "Has anyone seen Diane and Jeremy," ""they have been doing the washing-up for ages?"" "And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" "It is the shock news that no-one in government has worked out that if you walk into a meeting like this, someone will put a camera on it." "There's apparently a sign on the inside of the doors that says, "Don't display your notes on the outside."" " Mm." " It does, apparently." ""Please flush after using the toilet,"" "all the basic things that political aides need to know." "Yes, the handwritten memo was photographed in Downing Street." "It was being carried by a Tory party aide as she and her boss left a meeting with the Brexit big beast David Davis." "The gist of it seems to be..." "Cos that's..." "You'd expect something more detailed and more kind of complex from a big meeting, wouldn't you?" "Rather than just, "Have our cake and eat it."" "It'd be like the next thing, you know," ""We're going to look before we leap."" "You know?" "One of the other notes on the document read..." "Failing to predict the one reading," ""Idiot displays secret meeting notes."" "The lady carrying the Brexit notes is aide to Tory vice-chairman Mark Field." "What do we know about him?" " He once had an affair with Liz Truss." " Yes." "Oh, there was I going to say he was the MP for the City of Westminster." "Yeah." "That's interesting(!" ")" "Yes, he had an extra-marital affair with the also-married lord chancellor Liz Truss." "I don't know what you think, but I think..." "APPLAUSE" "How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week?" "In Cabinet, apparently, he blurted out that he was in favour of freedom of movement and that's he was in favour of an amnesty for all the illegal immigrants who were actually here." "Something he'd said before, when he was Mayor of London." "But then he unsaid it when he decided he would support Brexit, and then he obviously forgot, when he was in Cabinet, that he'd unsaid it, so he said it." "And now he's unsaid it." "Boris Johnson believes in freedom of movement and David Davis said the UK might pay for access to the EU single market." "Do you feel betrayed, Suzanne?" "Um, I tell you what, I'm having that cake." "I want the cherry on the top, too - but I ain't paying for it." "You're going to steal it?" " HAL:" " The thing is, though, they're not going to give it to us, are they?" " SUZANNE:" " Well, you don't need to..." "You know, every country in the world has access to the single market." "You don't need to pay for it." "But there's 27 of them all saying, "Yes, you do," ""unless there's free movement," isn't there?" "No, there's 27 of them who are totally reliant upon us for their trade and for their jobs." " LAUGHTER HAL:" " Oh, and they..." "Yeah." "We don't need them at all." "They might be a bit reliant, but TOTALLY is..." " I mean, that's up there with the 350..." " Did I say totally?" "I'm afraid you did say totally." " If I rephrase that, then..." " Yeah, how about "a bit"?" "In a good month." "There are 27 countries out there who are heavily reliant upon us for their trade." "We've gone from "totally" to "heavily"." "How about "not very"?" " No, no, no..." " APPLAUSE" "Oh, come on!" "They need us far more than we need them." "We sort of need each other, don't we?" "Can you imagine if Angela Merkel says," ""No, unless you have free movement, unless you pay," ""Mercedes, Audi are not going to be exporting to Britain"?" "Come on, it's not going to happen, is it?" "German car manufacturers aren't going to put up with that." " How do you know that?" " Spanish Cava producers aren't going to put up with that." "French baguette producers aren't going to put up with that." "Are there any other stereotypes?" " HAL:" " It feels like British people on tour talking to foreigners in that way of going, "What we want - we want free..." ""We don't free movement, but we want access to the single market,"" "They're going, "You cannot have that,"" "and we're going, "You don't understand." "WE WANT..."" "Isn't it?" "It's just..." "APPLAUSE" "So, yes, this is the revelation that the Government does have a clear plan for Brexit." "Theresa May was interviewed at the weekend wearing this stylish outfit." "To be fair, the way Brexit's going, we could all do with a pair of brown wipe-clean trousers." "APPLAUSE" "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" " HAL:" " We haven't heard the end of this election." " Yes." "Apparently it was rigged, and Donald Trump, having said it was rigged all along, now it is, he's said, "Why are we recounting it?"" "This is the news that some whingeing liberals in America are refusing to accept the election result, and demanding recounts." "What is Trump calling these people?" "Bastards." "He said they were... and that their mums stink." "What does Donald Trump say to those who claim that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote?" "He says that even though she won the popular vote, it was because it was all stolen votes, or whatever." " Or recent..." " He said they were criminal votes." " Criminal votes." " Yes." "He's got no evidence for this - he just tweets it." "He says, "I actually won..."" "This is what he does - he just puts stuff out there that isn't true." "Why don't they give him a machine that isn't connected to the outside world?" "So he can just do this stuff and, you know, we don't need to hear about it in great detail." " SUZANNE:" " That'd spoil all the fun, wouldn't it?" "Oh, it's fun, is it?" "What details emerged about Donald Trump's mobile phone recently?" "It's being operated by an idiot." "APPLAUSE" "They took it away from him at one point." " Yes." " His campaign team." "Couldn't be trusted." "But they've given it back to him, and he's now tweeting late at night." "A bit like Rupert Murdoch, you've gotta watch these old blokes late at night, alone, tweeting." " HAL:" " There's something about lack of sleep, isn't there?" " Yes!" " He sleeps..." "You know, very, very right wing people don't sleep very much." "Hitler didn't sleep very much, Thatcher didn't sleep very much," " and..." " Stalin." " .." "Trump doesn't." " Did Stalin not sleep very much?" " No." " I mean, he was..." " Castro." " Well, he wasn't left OR right." " Yeah." "Just chucking it in for balance." " Yeah." "How much do you sleep, Suzanne?" " A lot." " OK." "There's still no sign of Trump appointing his Secretary of State, who will represent the United States abroad - but who is the front runner?" "Is it Death?" " Mitt Romney?" " Yes." "Same thing." "Who, let's not forget, said earlier this year..." "They had another meeting over dinner this week." "Here they are." "HAL LAUGHS" "It was a mix-up on Grindr, wasn't it?" "!" "APPLAUSE" "According to the Mail, Donald Trump's new Treasury Secretary," "Steven Mnuchin, worked in film, investing in Suicide Squad and Avatar." "He's also going to have a hand in next year's remake of Armageddon - which, unfortunately, isn't a film." "Now it's time for the Odd One Out round." "King Henry VIII..." "Bob Dylan..." "McDonald's... and Star Trek." "Bob Dylan isn't going to turn up for his Nobel literature prize." " William Shatner..." " Isn't, either." "Is it poetry?" "Who did Henry VIII have a beef with?" "The Pope." "They've all been praised by the Pope, apart from Henry VIII." " Sort of the opposite, but, yes." " Oh!" " Oh, they've all been excommunicated." " All been criticised." " Except for Star Trek." " Yes." "The Pope likes Star Trek..." "Particularly the first series, and Lieutenant Uhura, who he's got a bit of a thing about." "What's this thing that he's got a bit of?" "Yes, they've all been criticised in the Vatican apart from Star Trek which was praised for giving the world a model of peace." " HAL:" " Just looks like he's about to kiss an alien, doesn't it?" "Although it may be an alien, it's got a neat little line in scarves." "So what was Ronald McDonald criticised for?" "McDonald's have come under fire from cardinals because they want to open" " a new branch of the restaurant next to St Peter's Square." " Oh." "There are fears that if it goes ahead, it could pave the way for branches of Piazza Express... and Pret a Manger." "What beef have the Vatican had with Henry VIII recently?" " He doesn't return their letters." " He hasn't done a lot recently." "Well, a Henry VIII love letter, which the Vatican owns has risque content and they have refused permission for a BBC documentary to film there." "It was a reference to Anne's breasts, the full incriminating sentence read..." " God." " To which Anne replied... "Learn to spell, you fat moron."" "Henry famously had six wives, immortalised in the school children's rhyme " "Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead." "And the Vatican weren't impressed that Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature." "Since it was announced that he'd won the prize," "Bob Dylan has remained completely silent, so, in a way, we're all winners." "L'Osservatore Romano is the daily newspaper of the Vatican City." "It can be delivered, but only from evil." "So time now for the Missing Words round which this week features as its guest publication the Hereford Beekeepers' Association's Buzzzz Word worth buying for the Page 3 honey." "And we start with..." " SUZANNE:" " Unlike man, bees do not walk round the house feeling the radiators, leaving the loo seat up, turning the thermostat down, telling you how to drive your car, mansplaining." "Bees don't do any of that." "Am I close?" "No, cos it's too long for that space." "What are you like judging distances, love?" "You see the gap there?" "Well done." "Unlike man, bees do not have a sense of their own mortality." "I must apologise to any bees watching, that must have come as a nasty shock." "Next..." "Why not roast a bee?" "Introduce them to your secret family from Hull." "Drop dead." "What, a sort of funeral director's sort of advertising campaign" " for Christmas?" " Yeah." "We call it Boxing Day in our trade, in they go!" "To really impress the family this Christmas, why not serve them bacon and banana trifle?" "This is according to Heston Blumenthal, who this week launched his new Waitrose Trying Too Hard range." "Next..." " Is it honeybee?" " It's..." " Bumblebee?" " HAL:" " Is it the drone bee?" "The drone or something?" " No, it's not a bee." " It's not a bee." " It is an animal." " Is it David Attenborough?" " HAL:" " It's a monkey of some sort." " It has feathers." "HAL:" " It's a snake." " Robin." ""It's a snake"?" "It's got feathers." "It's a snake!" "You haven't been watching Planet Earth." "There's some amazing snakes with feathers." "It's a flirty flamingo." "According to the Daily Mail, flamingos systematically divorce each year." "They're nature's version of Cheryl Cole... but with thicker legs." "Next..." "To wear a burqa." " SUZANNE:" " I'm afraid I have a horrible feeling I know this one cos I think I saw the survey and it was least likely to change their underpants." " HAL:" " Oh." " That's correct." "Suzanne, I thought you were going to know it cos it was" "Ukip voters are least likely to vote for Suzanne Evans." "No, I'm sure it's not true, though." "No, Ukip voters are least likely to, yes, change their underwear." "This is from a YouGov poll which also found that 1% of Ukip voters would wear a pair of pants more than ten times before washing them." " No!" "I don't believe it." " Hang on." " They've made this up." "Back to front, inside out," "I haven't done any exercise so go round again, that's still only four." "Dirty bastards." "And finally..." "Tickle a bee on the tummy and become amorous." "If the two of you are like-minded, make love in a meadow or up against a wall." "Bees aren't particular, as long as they know the way home." " But I think that's probably too long to fit in there." " So, um..." "Wander naked down the Mall, shouting, "How's this for a majority?"" "First one very close, while the weather's nice and sunny," " why not photograph your honey?" "SUZANNE:" " Ah!" "That's a good idea." "So the final scores, ladies and gentlemen, are Ian and Hal 6." "Paul and Suzanne 8." "APPLAUSE" "APPLAUSE OVER SPEECH" "But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition." "Is it a meeting of ewe-kip?" " SUZANNE:" " Oh, very good." "See, cos there's only one of them." " HAL:" " See, I was thinking it was looking at a bus and going, "350 million a..."" "Rubbish!" "And I leave you with the news that Jeremy Corbyn realises he's accidentally bought a jumper that's only 70% hessian." "Donald Trump backs away from building a wall but introduces a new test for would-be Mexican immigrants." "And the Coldstream Guards realise it was a mistake to let Prince Harry have a night out before Trooping the Colour." "Goodnight."