"Ein!" "Zwei!" "Drei!" "Vier!" "Oh, Schultz, Schultz." "I feel terrible, Schultz." "Oh." "Come on, hold me." "Now, then..." "now I'm all right." "Maybe if you could put the sun lamp in me room." "Z'ruck!" "Z'ruck!" "Funf!" "Sechs!" "Sieben!" "Schultz." "Huh?" "You're gonna catch cold." "( growls )" "( Schultz growling )" "( nonsensical grumbling )" "Ow!" "Ooh!" "Ah, you're right where you should be, Lieutenant." "You're Carter?" "Yeah, right, but what am I doing here?" "I just busted out of another prison camp." "Welcome to Camp 13." "You're busting in." "Gimme your jacket." "You don't know how long it took me to dig my way out of that other camp." "Getting in is much easier." "But why?" "I'll tell you in a sec." "Vierzehn!" "Funf..." "Colonel Hogan, there's one prisoner missing." "Colonel Hogan, please." "Not again." "KLINK:" "Report!" "Report!" "Herr Kommandant, ich, ich..." "Nyeh!" "My dear Colonel Hogan." "I know the game." "You divert this dummkopf to give the bird a chance to fly." "Herr Kommandant, have you no faith in human nature?" "No one escapes Camp 13." "Not now, not ever." "I keep forgetting." "Sound the alarm." "Let loose the dogs." "( siren wailing )" "( dogs barking, siren wailing )" "Well, it's, uh, time to say goodnight." "Dogs are on the way." "Dogs?" "Good luck." "Hey, wait a minute." "( barking )" "Not yet, stupid." "After I get clear." "You just stand here-- they won't hurt you." "Well, thanks a lot." "( barking )" "( siren wailing )" "Ah, Lieutenant." "Yes, sir." "You were with the 182nd, huh?" "Yes, sir." "How's old McNair doing?" "Who's he?" "I thought everybody knew McNair." "No, sir." "I never heard of him." "Say, look, Colonel, I'm..." "Ow!" "You moved." "What am I doing in this hokey suit?" "I liked it better as a blanket." "Blanket?" "Colonel..." "Vladimir comes from a long line of Moscow tailors." "What kind of operation is this?" "Traveler's Aid Society." "You see, if we're going to get you back to London, we've got to make you look like a German civilian." "I hate it, Colonel, but..." "I'll do it." "Say, uh..." "how's Major Campbell doing?" "I don't know any Campbell." "Who's he?" "Nobody." "It's for security reasons just in case the Germans try to slip in a ringer on us." "You sent for me, Colonel?" "Oh, Newkirk." "I'm glad you're here." "We're running a little bit behind time." "Pass the word around-- football game is off." "Oh, no, Colonel." "I was supposed to play fullback today." "Fullback?" "Now I know we've got to get the game canceled." "Colonel, we need that game as a smoke screen." "If the ruddy Krauts don't see a mob outside, they'll know something's up." "Not if Commandant Klink calls it off." "Blimey, Colonel, if you could pull that off, you're a better magician than I am." "Oh, by the way, the name is Newkirk." "Excuse me, is that your watch?" "Newkirk used to be a headliner in London." "Oh, they loved me at the Palladium." "By the way, have an egg." "Sam, Sam, don't make the pants too long." "You!" "get out of here." "Well, you've got one of everything here." "We're still short a tenor for the glee club." "What happens to that fellow I changed clothes with-- the one that got me in?" "Olsen?" "That's our outside man." "Well, now, does he come back in when I leave?" "That's right." "What does he do when he's out there?" "We never ask him." "Won't the guards know that I'm not Olsen?" "No, only Schultz will know, because he's our barracks guard." "You bribed him." "No." "We don't have to do that." "You see, if you're a different man, that means there's a man missing." "and if there's a man missing..." "Schultz gets a vacation at the Russian Front." "Fantastic operation." "Hey, Colonel, the Kommandant wants to see you." "He's got smoke coming out of both ears about last night." "Oh, all right, Kinch." "Danke, Colonel." "Oh, I have not had nylons in months." "I understand there's a war on." "Herr Kommandant says you come in." "Ah, Hogan." "Come in, come in, come in." "Herr Kommandant." "Sit down, please, please." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Well, now, Hogan." "You expect to find me angry over last night's attempted escape, huh?" "No." "No?" "No, you're too big a man for that, Kommandant." "Oh." "But you were surprised when the man was not put in solitary." "Not at all." "Your leniency is a legend in our time." "Uh-uh." "No more." "From now on, for every attempted escape, the entire camp will be punished." "That surprises you, eh?" "Oh, beyond words." "Beyond words." "I will show you beyond words." "Now, I have tried reason." "The attempts persist." "I have tried the cooler." "They still persist." "Now I will show the iron hand, to the entire camp." "This is foolish!" "No one escapes from Camp 13." "Not last night, not tonight, not ever." "You know, that's true." "Then why do you persist?" "Well, let's put it this way." "You run a big operation here." "Guards, dogs, civilians, the whole thing, huh?" "That's right." "How many men would you need if we gave up trying to escape?" "How many?" "Yeah." "I mean, would they need a colonel as Kommandant?" "A captain could do it." "A sergeant." "A sergeant?" "Don't worry." "I don't think they're gonna transfer you to the Russian front." "You've heard something?" "Rumors." "Where?" "Who?" "Wasn't one of my men." "Was it Karl?" "Fritz?" "Schultz?" "( squeaks )" "Aha!" "Schultz, the big mouth!" "Boy, you're clever." "What about the escape?" "What escape?" "Last night." "Ah!" "Colonel Hogan." "Let me explain something to you." "I am of the old Prussian school, the Heidelberg aristocracy." "Now, we think different than the new order." "The entire camp must be punished." "All right, have it your way." "Uh..." "But can you do me one favor?" "What is it?" "Look out that window and tell me what you see." "I see prisoners." "What else is there to see?" "Men, Kommandant Klink." "Men with empty lives, but men, like yourself." "All I see is prisoners." "Look closer, Kommandant." "Look into their dreams." "A dream of playing today for the camp football championship." "Punish them any way you want to, Herr Kommandant, but don't take away their dream." "You have given me their punishment." "There will be no football game today." "That was ugly, sir." "Dismissed." "You got a light?" "Oh, yes." "Danke." "New man?" "Yes, sir." "Name, rank and serial number, that's all." "Thank you, sir." "Keiniger Sprach." "Inside." "Wiegeht, August." "Burkhalter, in Berlin?" "We will speak in English." "Of course." "In my line of work, even the habit of thinking in German is dangerous." "Oh, take it easy, take it easy." "How you feeling?" "I'll be all right, sir." "Klink didn't get anything out of me, sir." "You're a good soldier." "Uh..." "What outfit were you with?" "151st, sir." "Shot down over Cologne." "151st." "Really?" "How's old McNair doing?" "I don't think I know any McNair, sir." "Oh." "You must know Ellingsworth." "No, I-I don't." "Who's he?" "Nobody." "Just testing in case the Germans try to sneak in a spy on us." "Good idea, sir." "Did I pass?" "Yeah." "Flying colors." "Hey, uh, look, if you want anything, just ask, all right?" "Thanks, Colonel." "Incidentally, when we have more time, you gotta bring me up-to- date on Major Campbell." "Major Campbell?" "Wait a minute" " You were with the 151st and you don't know Major Campbell?" "Oh." "Oh." "Campbell, yeah." "Everybody knows Campbell." "( laughing )" "What a character." "Nobody liked him." "Hey, did, did you ever hear the story about Major Campbell and the WAC Captain?" "I did." "Yeah, great story." "Uh... we'll talk some more, later." "Take it easy." "Thanks, sir." "Oh!" "I'm sorry, chum." "Sorry." "( coughs )" "We have a petunia in our garden." "Well, I frisked him, Colonel." "He's got nothing on him." "Pass the word to the rest of the camp." "Nobody talks to him, but nobody." "All right, I'm on me way." "I think you hit a bull's-eye." "This is your escape route to the canal." "There'll be a rowboat waiting." "This is your rendezvous point with the submarine." "How will the sub know I'm coming?" "We'll call them on the shortwave." "Kinch, how's the coffee pot coming?" "Just about set, Colonel." "but you got to stop these guys from making coffee in the thing." "All right." "What's it for?" "This is our phone tap." "When the red light goes on, Klink's office is calling outside." "The basket is our speaker." "( kick at door )" "Dinner, Colonel." "Ah." "Swell." "Mercy." "Wow." "The artichokes are not haute cuisine." "I may have to change greengrocers." "But the chateaubriand..." "I will back with my life." "My coffeepot." "( talking at once )" "NEWKIRK:" "Hey, Colonel!" "Wagner just went into Klink's office." "All right-- keep your men on him." "All right." "Wagner?" "The new guy." "Yeah." "Why?" "Red light, Colonel." "Colonel Burkhalter?" "Lieutenant Wagner speaking." "BURKHALTER:" "Go ahead, Wagner." "I think you'd better get down here right away, Colonel." "I have evidence that this is an outfitting and embarkation point for prisoners of war escaping from the Third Reich." "BURKHALTER:" "I shall be there at 0800 sharp." "KLINK:" "Yes, sir." "There's been some mistake." "Your last, Kommandant." "All right." "Somebody talked." "Who?" "I'm afraid I did." "I thought Wagner was just another prisoner." "Didn't this man get the message?" "He was sleeping, Colonel." "I-I was going to tell him later." "It's my fault, Colonel." "Oh, Colonel, what do we do now?" "Let's eat." "Colonel, the spies have loused up our whole operation." "So what do we do?" "Colonel, why don't we get rid of this guy?" "He knows too much." "It's not that he knows too much." "He doesn't know enough." "Let's show him the whole operation." "What?" "Take him underground?" "He'll tell the Krauts about everything." "I have a feeling they're not going to believe him." "Colonel, he's on his way." "All right, LeBeau." "All right, break it up." "Ah, Wagner, we were just talking about you." "We have taken a vote, and decided to take you underground to see our entire layout." "That's great." "Ah, we're going to have to blindfold you though, so you don't see where the tunnel entrance is." "It's for your own protection." "I understand." "All right." "Right this way." "( dogs growling )" "Get away!" "Come on, get away!" "Come on, you, too." "( whining )" "Come on." "Not now." "Get away." "Get away." "Colonel, this is wonderful." "The Boche think this is a real water tower." "Quiet, you fool." "You'll give it away." "Here." "Take the chain." "Sometimes the trap door sticks." "You, too, Wagner." "Watch your head." "Don't hit the water tower." "There you go again!" "I am a fool." "All right, here it is." "Here you go." "That's it." "That's it." "Careful." "That's it." "Back away." "Slowly... back." "This is fantastic!" "It's a little bare, but it's comfortable." "Watch out for your head." "Ah!" "Welcome to the mint." "You make German money?" "By the bale." "Is it, uh..." "Is it good enough to pass?" "Confidentially, we're having a little trouble." "In the real stuff, the ink has a tendency to run." "I don't want you to get the idea we're strictly parasitic here." "I mean, we've got legitimate business, too." "Watch your head." "Lugers!" "We getting ready for a big breakout?" "Certainly not." "Cigarette lighter." "Hottest item in Berlin right now." "Of course, the Japanese will copy it and undersell us, but that's free enterprise." "It's fantastic." "But I don't understand." "How do you get all this equipment in and out past the guards?" "Oscar Schnitzer." "Oscar who?" "He's the vet from town." "Comes in and out every day." "He's supposed to change the dogs so the POWs don't get too friendly with them." "The guards never look in the truck because they're afraid of the dogs." "Except there aren't any dogs." "No dogs in the truck?" "No." "It's a phonograph record." "Very convincing, too." "It's stereo." "Would you like to see our steam room?" "Steam room?" "It's a necessity." "We import all of our food." "The fellas have a tendency to eat too much." "And a fat POW would give it away." "That's fantastic." "Then when you're ready for a trim..." "Not a barber shop." "Mm-hmm." "( singing in French )" "Oh, come on." "Cut it short, LeBeau." "This man's got to be out of here in two hours as a German civilian." "But that's not him." "It's not supposed to be him." "All right." "Don't forget the manicure." "Manicure?" "Yeah." "That's the Camp 13 touch." "No one's going to believe that a man with a manicure is an escaped prisoner of war." "But she's Klink's secretary!" "She's also our manicurist." "She does a little moonlighting." "Two hours, Lieutenant." "Right." "You're next, Wagner." "Look, I'd love to show you around the rest of the place, but I have to go call the submarine." "I'll be at the communications center." "You mean there's more?" "Keeps us off the streets." "Ready on your call, Colonel." "All right, Kinch." "Hello, Mama Bear." "Hello, Mama Bear." "This is Goldilocks." "Come in, Goldilocks." "This is Mama Bear." "That bowl of porridge-- it's getting too hot to hold." "Pick up three hours earlier." "Will do, Goldilocks." "Roger, over and out." "Get me Sidney Carton." "Right." "Colonel Hogan... please do not play games." "There are people here from Berlin." "There will be a roll call, and it will not be enough to have 15 men." "They must be the same 15 men I always have." "Please, Colonel Hogan!" "Schultz, don't be a bookkeeper." "Is Olsen back?" "No, but we're expecting him." "Only expecting?" "Colonel Hogan, how do I look?" "I got the civilian suit on under my uniform." "I see nothing!" "( bell ringing )" "Roll call!" "Don't worry, Schultz." "We're expecting." "I can assure you, Colonel Burkhalter, everything is in the best of order." "We have never even had an escape here." "Herr Kommandant..." "Schultz!" "Not now." "Klink..." "If any of what this man says is true, you will want to make an escape of your own." "You are the senior officer of the prisoners?" "Colonel Hogan, U.S. Army Air Corps." "Something wrong?" "We will have your charges, Wagner." "This man is operating an underground apparatus so vast and so complicated as to stagger the imagination, under the very nose of Colonel Klink." "Colonel, spies are notoriously unreliable." "Spy?" "He's not one of us?" "Too bad you didn't find it out sooner." "Directly below us, Herr Colonel, is a printing press turning out enough counterfeit money to destroy the economy of the Third Reich." "Impossible!" "Schultz!" "I happen to have with me an excellent sample." "Well?" "I had it right here." "What else did you find?" "Machine shops, steam rooms, barber shops." "His secretary is a manicurist there." "Helga, a manicurist in an underground barber shop for prisoners?" "Yes!" "Helga?" "She's the one who was so nice on my last visit." "Yes, my Colonel." "In the future, you will be more careful with your facts, Wagner." "You said "machine shops", Wagner?" "Machine shops, Herr Colonel." "They make souvenir lighters there that they sell in Berlin." "Is that so?" "Klink, let me have one of your cigars." "Here." "Have one of mine." "Proof, Herr Colonel." "They switched it!" "They're diabolical!" "They even have shortwave sets down there to-to talk to submarines." "Perhaps you had better show us the entrance to this, uh, underground." "Of course." "They blindfolded me, but I was able to deduce its location." "It's right under the water tower." "A chain operates a trap door." "The tower is a fake." "Look, I pull the chain and..." "They have tricked us." "There is a man here who does not belong here, who has escaped in!" "Wait!" "Ask that truck!" "( screams ) ( dogs barking )" "This is their truck!" "They smuggle things in and out with it!" "I will show you!" "Do you know what you think you are trying to do?" "Those dogs are killers!" "It's a phonograph record!" "You will see!" "( shouting in German )" "Arrest that man!" "I much regret, my dear Klink..." "These spies, Colonel, they are unstable." "A little time on the Eastern front will clear his head." "Yeah." "Vierzehn..." "Funf!" "Herr Kommandant, all prisoners present and accounted for." "Silence!" "Did I ask you?" "Why don't they trust us, Schultz?" "Now, gentlemen, in the barracks." "Back, back, back, back, back." "In the barracks, everybody, back, back, back." "( clucking like a chicken )" ""(End of Episode)""