"(June) Why do people say that New York is such a tough town?" "I've lived here a while now, and I feel like I've got it licked." "I mastered the subway, how to jaywalk without being hit, and I've learned a cute new word for Jewish people." "Hello, Hebraham!" "The thing that really makes the city feel like home is having a friend, someone to talk to and hang out with." "And for me, that's my roommate Chloe." "One day soon, we'll even be in a picture together." "Hmm." "(Blinds rattle) Hey, Eli." "Do you stand there every morning, waiting for me to open the blinds?" "(Opens refrigerator)" "Don't flatter yourself, June." "And yes, I do." "Look at that!" "One time I mention to Chloe that blueberry is my favorite kind of yogurt, and what does she do?" "She goes and stocks the entire fridge with them." "Well, it's important to have friends in New York." "This city can be hard... like a lot of things." "I feel bad." "I've been so busy working at the coffee shop and trying to get another wall street job that I haven't been able to have a girls' day out with Chloe... until now!" "That sounds fun." "You know what's not fun?" "Complacency in the face of corporate greed." "Today is my first day off, so I think I'm gonna ask her to hang out." "Maybe we'll go have a picnic in Central Park or... (Groans)" "Stop talking!" "Oh, hey!" "Somebody's up." "Would you like to hang out today?" "I feel like a pig crapped inside my head." "I feel like a pig ate Indian food and squatted down..." "Oh." "There's a man underneath you." "Hello." "Don't wake him." "I took all of his life force last night." "All right, come on." "I wanna see your New York City." "Show me what you love about this place." "Well... guess there is one thing we could do, but it might be a little touristy." "(Man, amplified voice) And to your left, you'll see the site of the famous noodle fire of 1927," "(laughing) They say on a windy night, you can still smell the lo mein and burning hair." "God, I love New York!" "(Katie Hampton) * I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch *" "♪ but I can tell you ♪" "(Whispers) * she's a... * (Buzzer)" "♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "And that's all they found... the young nurse's sawed-off pelvis in a FedEx envelope in that mailbox right there. (Murmuring)" "When you absolutely, positively have to be dead overnight," huh?" "(Laughter)" "Mitchell, you are too much!" "(Laughs nervously) New York!" "Here, we laugh at death!" "(Chuckles)" "Don't laugh too hard, little girl." "Another young woman was found murdered in the park this morning." "That makes six this summer." "You wanna call her parents and tell them how funny you think that is?" "We... we were just... we all were just laughing..." "Okay, who's up for snacks and a pee?" "(Man) Okay." "I've got cliff bars and tuna fish sandwiches." "Warning... the ice has made the bread moist." "I actually brought my snack from home." "Blueberry yogurt." "My favorite." "Great." "It's time for my snack, too." "I should probably do it in the bathroom, though." "There's a lot of cops around." "Welcome, murder fans!" "(Cash register beeps) You must be here for our killer zucchini muffins." "(Chuckles) It's a joke." "So this is what you're doing on your day off?" "A crime tour?" "It's what Chloe wanted to do." "How great." "So the roommate who slept with your fiancé is also fascinated with murder?" "Perfect!" "There's a problem in the bathroom." "Someone tried to flush some kind of plastic baggie down your toilet." "Ohh!" "So today was, uh... it was interesting." "Right?" "!" "(Chuckles)" "Before I took that tour, I didn't know any of that stuff." "I didn't know it!" "Well, you know another fun thing for girlfriends to do together is to have a home-cooked meal." "Wednesday night, I'll make my famous chicken Williams." "(Beeps) Yeah Wednesday works." "It's a plan." "Okay. (Beep)" "Toilets are for pees and turds, you guys." "(Sighs) Why do I have to say this every day?" "(Woman) * I hear my favorite song *" "♪" "(Indistinct conversations)" "Mark-Paul Gosselaar is building a school in El Salvador." "What an ass crack." "Hmm!" "Escuela de Gosselaar." "He looks good, all wearing a tank top." "Yeah, swing that hammer, build that school," " carry that niño." " I'm telling you, the best way to get publicity is to do something selfless." "Uh-huh." "How do you say "safe word" in Spanish?" "Palabra segura." "So I called my agent, and apparently there's this mentorship program for underprivileged kids, and a little girl actually requested me." "I'm gonna be a celebrity mentor." "Good for you." "I'm gonna go mentor those cute busboys over there, turn them into busmen." "See you later." "Hola, guapo!" "(Lisa Loeb) * you say *" "(Click) Two candles for two friends." "♪ Ding-ding-ding, da-ding-ding, da-ding-ding ♪" "♪ ding-ding-ding... ♪ Aah!" "What are you doing here?" "!" "No one's home at this time!" "What are you doing here?" "Why do you have keys to our apartment?" "S... so that I could drop off Chloe's mail... that I got by mistake." "(Thud) Some of the envelopes are already opened." "Not all of them... just the ones that looked personal and all of them." "♪ Don't belong ♪" "♪ and now that I am leaving ♪" " Hmm." " * now I know that I did something wrong *" "♪ 'cause I missed you ♪" "(Sighs)" "(Snoring)" "(Woman) * give it a rest *" "(Giggling)" " Oh, hey!" " Huh?" "Meet these guys." "I don't know their names, but they seem to answer to "menudo."" "Where's your friend?" "She never showed." "That's so mean." "Yeah, it is." "Mmm." "(Mouths words) (Chloe crunching)" "I told you I was making you dinner Wednesday night." "What?" "No, you said you were gonna make dinner for your friend." "(Beep) I even put it in my phone to make sure I wasn't gonna be around." "Can we have some more bread?" "You are the friend I was talking about!" "(Dishes rattle)" "Oh." "Okay." "I think there's been a misunderstanding." "Sorry." "Let me make it clear now... we're roommates." "We're not friends." "What are you talking about?" "We..." "we... we've been hanging out." "You took me on your murder tour." "Yeah, I tricked you into buying my ticket." "I didn't want to buy it and I wanted you to buy it." "We cool?" "Sorry." "Can you box this up for me?" "Cute, huh?" "(Door slams)" "I just felt like Chloe and I had really bonded, you know?" "You know, we've been through so much already and..." "Sweetie, if she doesn't want to be your friend, that's her loss." "Like when my friend Agnes told me she no longer wanted me to be in her book club." "Three months later, she was dead." "Oh, and, June-bug, speaking of dead, we heard about those girls getting murdered in the park." "We're gonna send you a rape whistle." "Huh?" "(Blows whistle)" "Just make sure you don't get raped next to a marching band." "(Both laugh)" "All right, well, I love you." "I'll see you later." "Bye." " I love you!" " Be safe." "It's too bad about you and Chloe." "I was writing an erotic novel about your friendship." "Can I help you?" "I know what you need to do." "Find some girls you have something in common with, an activity you can bond over." "Well..." "I have been meaning to find a pilates class since I moved here." "(Buzzer sounds)" "Ooh!" "Gotta go." "I'm playing hoops with my boys." "You have friends?" "Of course." "Who doesn't have friends?" "I'm not a freak." "Ahh." "These are just my knock-around heels." "(School bell rings)" "Kim?" "Hi." "James Van Der Beek, celebrity mentor you requested." "James Van Der Beek?" "I asked for Mario Van Peebles." "I don't even know who that is." "I don't even know who you are." "Dang!" "Sure you do." "But I'm not here as an actor." "I'm here to change your life, purely for selfless reasons." "(Cell phone camera shutter clicks)" "All right, let me just text that to my publicist, and then we'll go get some gelato." "Okay, but we gotta wait a while before we get on the subway." "The girls who bully me are there now." "You're getting bullied?" "That's terrific." "Bullying's hot right now." "Don't you worry about a thing." "I'm here to make all your dreams come true." "But I wanted my Mario Van Peebles dream to come true." "Well, that one's dead." "Come on." "You know, I did a bullying P.S.A. back in '99." "Worst makeup person I ever worked with." "Just untalented." "It was a nightmare." "I had to fire her." "(Chime sounds)" "(Woman over P.A.) All large bags and backpacks... (Speaks indistinctly)" "Hey, relax." "I got your back." "(Girl) Hey!" "(Backpack thuds)" "(Chime sounds) Whoa." "This is real." "Why you so short?" "What's wrong with your face?" "Where's your friend at?" "He ain't here, boo-boo." "Hey, call me!" "Come on, Barneys." "I'm not in the mood. (Click)" "(Laughter)" "Oh!" "Chloe, hi." "These are my new friends. (Door closes)" "This is Ashley, Carmen, and Stephanie." "We've been hanging out at pilates all week." "Yeah, people call us the hotties 4 pilates." "(Laughter)" "We thought of it." "I did." "Wait." "I'm sorry." "June, who are these people?" "I told you." "They're my friends." "We actually have a lot in common." "(Stephanie, Carmen, and Ashley) Mm-hmm." "I mean, Ashley works on wall street." "When I told Carmen that I liked flan, she nodded in agreement." "And Stephanie and I both look exactly the same waist-down in our pilates tights." "Well, not exactly the same." "I have this cool kokopelli tattoo." "He's the flute-playing God of life." "I just love knowing that he's always down there, jammin'." "(Laughs)" "I got him at surf camp after I broke up with my boyfriend Frank." "I only needed three ibuprofen." "R-o-k. (Singsongy) Rock star!" "(Laughter)" "Oh!" "I just realized." "I hate you." "(Scoffs)" "(Whispers) You can't be rude to my friends!" "Oh, come on, June." "These girls are a joke." "You can't be serious." "Okay, maybe they're not perfect, but you don't want to be my friend, and they wanna be my friends, and I wanna drink cappuccinos on the sidewalk." "Why do you wanna be their friend?" "They're catty, obnoxious, and irritating, like all girls." ""All girls"?" "What do you..." "what do you even mean?" "I mean, those girls are exactly the reason why I don't hang out with girls." "They're competitive, they backstab, and they post group pictures of themselves on Facebook so they can show the world what they look like in a bikini." "That was a tankini, and I was tagged in that photo. (Bottle cap clatters)" "Look, I just prefer to hang out with dudes." "They say what they mean, they like to have fun, and in a pinch, they have a penis." "(Door opens)" "Stupid shirts." "Awesome shirt." "That's how you should dress, ladies." "Pay attention." "(Schubert's "Valses sentimentales, op. 50" playing)" "(Sighs)" "(Door opens)" "(Sighs) Thank God you're here." "I have to tell you about this hellish girl experience I just had." "Yeah, I'm having a problem, too." "It's Kim, my publicity project." "I feel awful." "I abandoned her in a moment of crisis." "Ugh!" "Not you, too!" "Stick a tampon in it and call your mom." "These new friends of June's are so horrible." "She's really scraping the bottom of the barrel." "Well, nobody likes to be alone." "I'd rather be alone than be with that girl Stephanie." "She's the worst." "She thinks she's the queen bee." "You know, one of those girls who only talks about herself and goes around with an army of little pink groupies." ""Queen bee"?" "So there's a power dynamic, huh?" "Yeah, and it's disgusting." "It's something you would never have with a guy friend." "I'm leaving and I'm taking this." "And this." "(Siren wailing, horn honks)" "(Dance music playing)" "Hey, Billy." "I'll have the usual." "Actually, Chloe, your friends already ordered a drink for you." " Girl grenade!" " Aah!" "(Stephanie laughs) Hi!" "(Chuckles) So I've been thinking about what you said about not having any female friends, and I realized it's just because you haven't given them a chance." " Forget it, June." " Come on." "You can't hate something if you haven't even tried it before." "Please?" "(Sighs deeply)" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "(Giggling)" "Okay, the first rule of girlfriends..." " Hmm?" " You do not talk about girlfriends." "(Laughs, singsongy) Movie reference!" "Oh, that's from "La bamba"!" "What?" "No, Carmen." "Not everything's from "La bamba"!" "*" "My doctor says I can't lose any more weight." "I'm in the red zone." "I eat and I eat... nothing." "I'm cursed." "(Slurps)" "I mean, Carmen, you're so lucky you don't have this." "(Slurps) What the hell?" "I've had, like, eight of these and I don't even feel buzzed." "Oh, that's because there's no alcohol in there." "We don't wanna get drinky wrinkles." "So I'm just drinking juice, like a kid?" "Mm-hmm. (Glasses shatter)" "What is happening at this table is ridiculous." "Stephanie, stop abbreviating words." "You don't have a job." "You have the time." "Ashley, you're just telling Stephanie she did the right thing by kicking Frank to the curb because you obviously wanna sleep with him." "And, Carmen, for the love of God, can you stop quoting "La bamba" for one second?" ""Everything's Ritchie, Ritchie!" "What about Bob?" "!"" "(Laughs)" "You've got us pegged, don't you?" "You think that by acting tough and rejecting us before we reject you that you can protect yourself." "You're just scared that someone's gonna see the real you and find out that you're not as interesting as you think you are." "Well you're not as skinny as you think you are." "Shouldn't you be dancing in a glass booth somewhere?" "No." "Your mom took my shift." "My mom passed away two years ago." "Well, you look like Donald sutherland." "Yes, that's right." "There's only room for one bitch in apartment 23." "Did you guys try these nachos?" "They are yummo!" "(Mouth full) I love 'em." "They're great. (Crunching)" "Okay, I'm out of here." "June, I'll pick you up tomorrow for pilates." "We can discuss finding you another roommate who isn't a total psycho." "So who has thoughts on Anne Hathaway?" "Hey, Stephanie forgot her jacket." "Oh." "I'll give it to her." "We have unfinished business." "Hey, Stephanie, it's June again." "Pilates started over an hour ago." "Where are you?" "Give me a call." "Bye. (Beep)" "I don't think she's coming. (Turns on TV)" "Another girl was found murdered in the park." "The unidentified victim was found clutching a pilates mat and has a tattoo on her ankle of kokopelli." " Oh, my God." " (Man) Uh, it's very disturbing." " It's Stephanie!" " Um, the ladies appear to be all ages and all ranges..." "Ohh... of weight, color, and creed..." "Rough night." "A lot of bad choices." "This may not end." "This may be just the beginning." "(Door slams)" "Uh, we've just witnessed... (Changes channel) Wow." "It's on every channel." "Shocking." "I haven't paid for cable in three years." "How are we still getting TV?" "So, um... why are you wearing Stephanie's jacket?" "(Gasps)" "Oh, I tried to give it back to her, but I couldn't find her." "We have unfinished business." "Later, stupid!" "Go!" "So... (Tv playing indistinctly)" "What did you do for the rest of the night?" "Nothing." "I just went to James' to watch TV." "Why?" "What are you insinuating?" "Nothing... unless there is something that you feel like you need to tell me." "Kiss!" "No." "I'm mad at her." "W..." "I can't believe June thinks I killed her dumb friend!" "(James) That's crazy." "So did you?" "What?" "No!" "I was with you." "(Snoring)" "That's it." "That's the perfect look for Kim." "(Turns off TV) Is this couch a pod?" "Because we, sir, are two peas in it." "June being suspicious of me is exactly the kind of female B.S. I can't stand." "Ugly accusations, drama, mind games." "I had no idea female relationships were so complicated." "I thought there were two types of girls... the pretty ones and the invisible ones." "Well, there's really only one thing to do..." "Really go out of my way to mess with her head." "You wanna help?" "Ah, I can't." "I thought about what you said about the whole power dynamic thing." "I'm giving Kim a makeover so she'll be queen bee and won't get picked on." "I decided publicity or no," "I'm never abandoning that little big girl again." "(Belches)" "Sorry." "Soda." "Luther's in with her now." "He's familiar with a generous female form from his stint as wardrobe master on "Designing women."" "I brought my mother to the people's choice awards." "(Singsongy) Keep 'em guessing." "Why is he talking?" "Dramatic reveal." "(Kim) These pantyhose itch." "Dang!" "Oh, my gotta go." "Kim, you look amazing." "No one's gonna bother you again, my little mocha butterfly." "Hey, mom, give me a call." "I have a question about... geraniums and... (Whispers) murder." "Who you talking to?" "Uh... shut up!" "I'm trying to think!" "I'm gonna go burn these clothes... only because they don't fit me anymore." "That's the only reason." "Hey." "I need you to take my photo for a new passport." "Can anyone go to Argentina, or do you have to be a Nazi?" "Never mind." "Just take the photo." "It's the big button." "(Sobbing)" "She didn't seem happy!" "So I did her a favor!" "(Continues sobbing)" "Hey, come on." "There's no such thing as a shy designing woman." "People are looking at me." "Because you look like a full-figured emmy nominee." "You think?" "No one's ever believed in me before." "Thanks!" "(Laughter)" "What the hell you wearing?" "Why you look 40?" "This whole thing was his idea!" "(Girls laugh)" "I knew this wouldn't work, fool!" "Kim, where is this anger coming from?" "Is this because I didn't buy you a gelato?" "Ooh, yes!" "Get him!" "Wait a minute." "I think it's working." "Not the way I planned it, but I..." "I think they're accepting you." "Oh!" "'Cause now you're the weakest one!" "I am!" "(Whispers) I'm so proud of you!" "You know I have to kick your ass now." "Bring it, girl." "(Punch) Uhh!" "Ooh!" "Oh, he look stupid." "(Laughs) Real dumb." "Hey." "This whole Stephanie thing has really affected me." "I think I'm gonna go down to the crime scene." "You know, say one last good-bye." " Oops." " Ow!" "You had a flyaway." "Oh, my God." "There's a cop." "(Gasps) He probably saw my duffel bag." "Why do I have to keep trophies?" "!" "I know what you did to Stephanie, okay?" "And I'm gonna try to help you." "What?" "This all makes sense." "There were so many signs." "You don't have any friends." "You have a morbid curiosity." "The whole crime tour thing..." "I don't agree with what you did, but I want to try to help you." "Here. (Bills rustle)" "Take all the money." "Okay, I'm gonna create a diversion out here, and you're gonna run out the back." "Huh?" "Here's my aunt Doris' address in Miami." "She has a guest house and Alzheimer's... (Tears paper) so there won't be any questions." "(Whispers) Here. (Sighs)" "You'd do that for me?" "Of course." "Now get out of here!" "Wow." "You're such a good friend." "Aha!" "I knew it!" "I knew you thought that we were friends." "What?" "!" "Wait a minute." "So you're just messing with me?" " Yep." " So you knew I didn't kill Stephanie the whole time?" "Yep." "We played a game of murder chicken, and I won." "When did you find out?" "I'm gonna go burn these clothes... only because they don't fit me anymore." "That's the only reason." "(Cell phone rings) (Gasps)" "(Beep) Hello?" "(Squeals and laughs)" "Frank popped the question." "Oh, my God!" "Stephanie!" "(Laughs)" "He came crawling back, flew me to Turks and Caicos, and proposed!" "That's amazing!" "I... (Chuckles) I thought you were dead!" "(Chuckles) That's weird." "Anyway, our friendship is over." " What?" " Come on, June." "You know that girlfriends are just placeholders between boyfriends." "(Gasps) Anyway, gotta go." "My chi-chi's here." "(Singsongy) Bye!" "(Beep)" "Oh." "So she's not dead?" "Bummer." "Okay, all right, maybe you were right about Stephanie." "There are bad apples, but there are also some good apples, too." "Yeah, I guess so, like you." "I gotta admit, murder chicken's pretty awesome." "(Laughs) I didn't know girlfriends could mess with each other." "Well, yeah." "I mean... you know, but they also... they share clothes and get manicure-pedicures" " and..." " Ah!" "You're messing with me again!" "(Laughs) Totally!" "I don't like that stuff." "Besides, I knew that you were my friend when I saw that you were getting me my blueberry yogurt." "What are you talking about?" "I've never paid for food in my life." "What?" "Then who's been doing our shopping?" "Mmm." "Eat, Chloe." "You're so skinny." "Eat, my bird-boned friend!" "Looks like rain." "Yeah, it's supposed to rain." "(Mouth full) Yeah. (Crunching)" "(Both laugh) Robin!" "Ah." "We solved that mystery." "That was super satisfying." "Mm-hmm." "Girl's still dead in the park, though." "Yeah." "Sad." "♪ ba-da-da-ba-ba ♪" "♪ ba-doo-ba-doo-ba-da-da ♪" "(Door slams)" "What's your favorite flavor?" "We got, uh, tiramisu, café au lait, dulce de leche." "Why are they all brown?" "I just want plain vanilla." "Uh, okay, vanilla's right there." "It's called, uh, vaniglia." "There's bugs in the vanilla!" "No, no, those aren't... those aren't bugs." "Those are beans." "Beans give me the toots!" "No, not those kinds of beans." "They're... they're... they're... (Cell phone rings) you know what?" "Just give her the, uh, the strawberry basil. (Ring)" "What?" "!" "(Beep)" "It's my agent." "Donnie." "Hey." "Yeah." "(Sighs) Listen, I'm with my mentee Kim." "I realized, it's not about publicity, man." "It's about making a difference one person at a... my agent just got me a Japanese seaweed commercial." " Take it." " But what about the plans we made?" "Take it, fool!" "Donnie, I'm in." " That'll be $16." " What?" "!"