"For me to talk about the man I have become, you need to know about the man I was." "I was 14 when I joined the Tartan Gangs and I was 15 when I joined the UVF, the Ulster Volunteer Force." "At that time, don't forget, there were riots on the streets, every week, petrol bombs every day and that was just in our town." "When you got home and switched on the TV, you could see it was happening in every other town as well." "And it was like we were under siege." "Fathers and brothers of friends were being killed in the streets." "And the feeling was, we all have to do something." "We're all in this together and we all have to do something." ""The Republican ClubsThanks." ""And after the overnight shootings in Belfast, three men are still seriously ill." ""Also, as we talk to The Fianna Fail Party" ""about their changed policy to Northern Ireland," ""The Republican Clubs Movement has suspended meetings" ""and warned members to be on their guard" ""after last night's widespread attacks upon its members." ""Despite the many shootings only one man was killed." ""In another incident a 22-year-old..."" "# I got the money I've got the place" "# You've got the figure You've got the face" "# Let's get together the two of us Over a glass of champagne" "# I've got the music" "# I've got the night" "# You've got the figure Put out the light" "# Let's get together the two of us Over a glass of champagne" "# I've been waiting" "# Much too long" "# For this moment to come along Oh yeah" "# Oh yeah" "# Oh yeah. #" "Come on, come on, come on." "Fuck!" "Come on, Mum!" "Get down!" "Wait..." "Oi!" "Fuck!" "Run!" "All right there, kid?" "Hi, Jim." "All right?" "Heya, Da." " Hi, Jim." "Are you ready for your tea?" " Thanks, Ma." "Go and take a seat and I'll bring it in to you." "Hey, Jim, Chrissie called for you." "He asked if you were going out laterI called him earlier." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten." "OK." "One, two, three!" " Come on!" "They'llI know!" " I'm doing it!" "They've left us some buns." "We've four fucking buns!" " What sort of buns?" "What colour?" " Iced." "Pink." "Pink!" "How did they know?" " Ah, fucking hell." " Eh?" "Fucking hell!" " All right, Stuart?" "I'll be right with you." " All right." "All right there, Mr Little, Mrs Little?" " Hello, Stuart." " Hello." "TV: "He is still alive, isn't he?"" "I like this fella here." "Aye, he's not bad." "All right." "I'll see you later." " No drinking now." " No, Mum." "They don't serve drinks at the hop." "Sure, he's a lemonade boy, Mrs Little, you don't need to worry." "You have a nice evening." " Did Sammy visit?" " Aye, it's all in the bag." " So what's the craic?" " I'll tell you in the car." "39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44..." " 45, 46, 47, 48..." " Go into the house." " Yes, Ma." "Yes, Ma." " Now!" "50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 57, 58..." " See you later, kiddo -...60,61, ...62, 63, 64, 65, 66..." " All right, lads." " Where did you get that from." "The Windsor ?" "Does it run OK?" " Aye, it's OK." "Craig's barn." "OK, Stuart, open the bag." "He's wanting us to dig his gardens." "Right, this is what's going down." " You know Colin who works at Castle's Yard..." " Aye, the stonemasons?" "The Provies told him that if he didn't leave, he'd be stiffed, so I sent the message back, "If you don't leave, it's one of youse who'll be stiffed."" "They haven't withdrawn the threat." "So this is our first kill, boys." "I told Sammy that I wanted to do it." "He said he'd check and see if there was anything else going down tonight." "He came back to me and said it was good to go." " "The hit's yours," he said." "He told me I could pick up the piece." " Where from?" " You don't ask that." " Let's see it, Alistair." " What is it?" " It's a 38." "Smith and Wesson." " Could you not get an automatic?" "Nah, Stuart, this is better than automatics, they jam all the time." "With this, you know, it's not going to leave me there fucking clicking," " you know, standing there with a dick in my hand." " Aye." "How many rounds did you get?" "Enough." "He must be reckoning we're good then to be getting a hit." " Well, this is the one I asked for so we better be." " What did he say," "Sammy, when he said the hit was ours?" "He just looked us in the eyes like he was, you know, he was proud of us." "I'm telling you, it was a good feeling." "We'll be walking into that bar ten foot tall now, eh?" "I can't wait for that." "We have to do it first, mind." "Can I hold it?" "Give us a wee jig of it after you, will you?" "Hey, give us a look." "Fucking hell, man!" "It's like fucking James Bond, eh?" "Powerful, isn't it?" "Who is it?" "Griffin." " Griffin?" " He was warned to leave the yard by the end of the week." "Hang on, Jim Griffin." " Aye." " I know him." "That's right." "Albert Street, aren't they?" "He's leaving the yard anyway, isn't he?" "Setting out on his own?" " Griffin, is he?" " That's what I'm hearing." " Oh, you mean start his own business?" " Aye, that's what I'm hearing." "Hang on, can't be here in Lurgan." "Surely now, not two masons' yards in the one town?" "They're going to be up and running by Christmas." " That's what I'm hearing." " Well, he's still in Castle's now." " So that's bad luck on him then." " I know his mother." "She's our dinner lady at the apprenticeship." "Aye, I know the woman you mean." "I don't know her, like, but I know who you mean." "Sure her sister Catherine works in the bread shop." " So is that her son we're doing?" " It's not Albert Street." " They used to be, I'm sure of it." " It's Hill Street." "It's 37 Hill Street." "58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66," "67, 68..." " Go on in now, son." "And do what your brother says." " Yes, Da." "...72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78," "79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84..." "When we've done it, we burn the car, we burn the gear, we call Sammy and we go to the hop." "We get seen around, a few dances and then we're back home." "Let's go." "37?" "You sure?" "Aye, it's left." "Army!" "Down!" "What's happened?" "They're passing." " Go right." " They've seen me indicating left now." "Go left then." "Just take us round the block, Andy." "We'll come at it again." " Oh, fuck!" " What is it?" " Lights have gone red." " Where are the jeeps?" " We're right behind them." " What?" "!" " Are they staying in the vehicle?" " So far." "Alistair, this has got to be a no-goer." "Let's get out of here." " Aye, do you want to get out of here?" " No, don't!" "No!" "Sammy'll think we've chickened." "Are they doing anything?" "They're just sitting there." "Oh, fuck, Alistair!" "Stay down!" "We're off!" ""You play golf?" " "Did you watch me play?"" " Joe !" ""I didn't do too badly. !"" ""Oh!" "I've scored already!" "Could be a very short show!" "Right."" "...123, 124..." " Joe?" "..." " 125..." "Come on, son." "I'm almost setting a record!" "128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134," "135, 136, 137..." "I've scored." "Go!" "Go!" "Let's go." "Hi, Alistair." "Enjoy the evening." "Behave yourselves!" "# And the party turned insane" "# She called out her na-a-a-ame" "# And then she walked in looking like dynamite" "# She said, "Now come along boogaloo through the night"" "# And the way she's moving well Dyna-Mite" "# Light you up with all she's got..." "# Want a drink, Skittle?" "#..." "She's got the whole town lighting up dynamite" "# Nobody quite knowing what to do wrong or right" "# But they all know Dyna is dynamite" "# And they're right... #" " No!" "You stop it, Mummy!" " Why didn't you do something?" "!" "You didn't do anything!" "Stop it, Mummy!" "Stop it!" "You could have stopped him with a milk bottle or something!" "Please, Mummy!" "Stop it, Mummy, please!" "Please!" "Why didn't you?" "You killed him!" "You killed him!" "NO!" "Ssh!" "NO!" "NO!" "...NO!" ""Never knew why that picture of a cat was there," ""and the other one." "Don't know what happened to that one." ""I mean...?" What the fuck?" " Sorry, what did you say?" " What?" "Did you not just say something?" "Was I talking to myself?" "It gets me a good seat." "I've had no-one sitting next to me for years." "One on one." "For fuck's sake." "I mean, for fuck's sake." " Would you turn back?" " Are you wanting me to turn back?" " I'd love you for it." " I think I should get you there first, don't you?" "I can take you back when I've got there." "I'd rather eat my two fucking feet than you get me there." "Jesus, I mean..." "Do you want me to call them?" "I can call them." "No, you go on." "You do your job." "They said to get you there." "And what?" "And what?" "Well, I know you have to get me there, that's why you're driving me there." "I mean did you say you wouldn't get me there?" "You mean they mean I wouldn't get you there, that's why you have to get me there?" "Is that it?" "It's something like that." "No, you drive, you do your job." " Do you mind?" " I don't want you getting in trouble." "I mean, Jesus, I'm in trouble, I can't have you in trouble, then we'll never get back." "So that last one you did, Alistair, the Kazakhs, sorry, no, the Cossacks..." " Kosovans.Aye, Albanian and Serb they are." " Kosovans." " Aye, that's the one!" " That worked out quite nicely." "So, did they show it in the end then?" "They did, about six months ago now." " I was looking out for it." " Actually, I didn't see it myself." "I was in South Africa at the time." ""Swanning around the world talking about your feelings." ""A ticket to paradise."" "For killing a man!" "I mean, where would he have been without me?" "40 years in the factory in Lurgan making egg cartons like the rest of us." "Aye, not him!" "He can make a living telling the Pope and the Queen, the Dalai fucking Lama how it feels to kill a man." "How it feels, the suffering I have, the burden I carry." ""Why should you get women in pastel shades and rosy perfumes" ""giving you tea and buns and wine from fucking Chile," ""just so's you can tell them how it feels" ""to be putting three bullets into my brother's head?" ""12 years for armed robbery, membership and murder."" " Fuck!" " Jesus Christ!" "Sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" " You made me jump!" " What do you think it does to me?" "I'm one fuck of a lot closer to me than you are!" "So is this another one of your counselling things, Alistair?" "No." "Well, kind of." "It's a programme about reconciliation." "My own, in fact." "It's my own." "I'm to meet the brother of the man I killed." " Is that where we're going now?" " Aye." " Have you not met him yet?" " No." "No, not since the day." "Well, did you ask for this?" "That was never going to be my call, Ray." "I don't have the right to ask anything from him." "So did he call you or...?" "No, the programme people, they approached him." "Then me." "I said I'd be I'd be willing t-to, you know." "If it's a meeting he wants I'd be willing t-t-to do it, to see him." "I'd do anything to..." "You know, to..." " Did you do time for it, Alistair?" " Aye." "There was no release date but I did 12 years." "You could have stopped him!" "Why didn't you stop him?" "!" "You could have stopped him!" "Can you stop the car?" "Can I get you anything?" "You want some water?" ""He was only a wee boy at the time, you know."" "And is it just the brother you're meeting?" "Aye." "It's..." "His father died eight months later." "A heart attack." "A broken heart, the family said." "His brother, Daniel, it was an overdose with him." "After that, his mother, she died." "It's what happens." "It's often what happens." "To the family, you know." "It's the part people don't understand, don't realise." "What happens after." ""Paddy Barnes" ""with a bronze medal in the Olympic Games" ""after losing in his semifinal bout" ""against Chinese world champion, Zou Shiming." ""The defeat was comprehensive, by 15-0."" "You OK?" "Carry on?" "Aye." "Is it good pay you get?" "It's not bad." " Are you thinking of it?" " Aye, why not?" "It looks comfy." "Would I need a driving licence?" "There's always a snag somewhere, eh?" ""She's been staring at me for 33 years, do you know that?" ""What it's like?" ""Your mother blaming you for 33 years?" ""Three bullets went into his head." "You'd know that, though." ""Did you know another one hit a picture of a cat on the wall?" ""It wasn't me who broke that picture, I never got the blame for that one," ""and if it wasn't me who broke the picture on the wall," ""it wasn't me who killed my brother." ""I didn't kill him like she said I did." "It was you." ""It was you in the car arriving at her house" ""and shooting three bullets into her son's head," ""making her grieve the way she did, blaming me the way she did." ""Well, I'm the one in the car now, visiting you." ""I'm the one in the car now."" "I'm the one in the car now." " Is this it?" " This is it." "Yes, it's Paul here." "We're just coming in now." "...Yes, he is." "Right." "Jesus, will you look at this place?" "Joe, hi!" "How are you?" "Aye, good!" "Good." " You've made good time, well done!" " I was just sitting in the back." " This is David, Michael's assistant." " Pleased to meet you." " Hi." " Come on inside and we'll find Michael." "It'll be grand." "Michael is this way, Mr Griffin." "Mr Griffin is stepping into the house." "It's an interesting staircase." "You sort of expect Bette Davis to come sweeping down it." "I could move in here." "It's yours for one day, at any rate." "We've set up a room for you upstairs to relax in." " Come in and meet the crew." " Aye." "Joe, you know Stephanie, don't you?" "They didn't tell me you'd arrived." "It's good to see you." " Aye, you too." " John, video technician." " Pleased to meet you." " Martin, camera." ""Well, here you are, pal." ""A fully signed up member of the celebrity circuit of Life's Victims." ""Men in love with donkeys, twins stuck together by their bollocks," ""elephant women who can't get out of their chairs, and now you."" "I know, it's all a bit, you know..." "But they're all lovely people, and they're very experienced at this sort of thing." " Fiona'll take you upstairs." " Yeah." "OK, this way." "So, did you get that poor old toaster sorted out?" "When we last spoke on the phone, were you not sorting out a toaster?" "Oh, aye." "Here we are." "Isn't it gorgeous?" " Can I smoke?" " Um...yeah." "Over there on the balcony." " Now, what can I get you?" "Tea or coffee?" " Tea would be nice, aye." "Yeah?" "Milk, sugar?" " Aye, milk, two sugars." "Thank you." " No problem." "Joe..." " How are you?" " Yeah, good." "Aye, I'm good." " Thank you so much for coming." " That's OK, aye." " How are you feeling?" " Aye, I'm OK." "I'm OK, aye." " Everybody looking after you?" " Aye." "Good." "I know it's going to be a difficult day for you." "But we will do everything we can to make sure it's, you know, it goes the way you want it to." "So, if there's anything you need, any questions, anything you're worried about, you just stop us and, well, basically, we're here for you." " OK." " So it's very important that you let us know if things aren't feeling right." "Now, has Fiona taken you through the format and so forth?" "Aye." "OK, good." "Just to briefly put you in the picture on how the day is going to pan out..." "Now, you've got time to settle down here and make yourself comfortable." "Will you have someone in the bed for me?" "Then, at some point, a make-up girl will come in just to put a little, you know, on your face." "Sometimes the camera can make the skin shine." "So, she only needs a few minutes." "Then, when you're ready, we'll do a little shooting... filming, up here." "And then, at around 12, you know, when it feels right, we can go downstairs and..." "you've seen the room, haven't you?" " Aye." " OK, good." "So, in terms of your actual meeting with him, it's important to remember, for all of us to remember, where we are trying to get to in this programme... the truth." ""Yes, I know, I know what you want." ""Shake his fucking hand and we can all go home."" "The last thing I want to do is push you into... areas of your mind where you don't want to go." "But it's important for us to understand all the emotions in this." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" " Aye." "Aye, I understand." " I know it's difficult." "Which is why I don't want to push that, but I do want you to be truthful with how you feel." "What I'm saying really is, I just want you to be you." " Michael?" " Yeah." " Sorry." " Yeah, I'm coming." "And you know, we are all going to have an important day here." "I can't tell you how important" "I think this is going to be in terms of... well, in terms of what it's going to do." "This is the question we are all wanting the answer to." "Truth and reconciliation." "What's at stake?" "Is it possible?" "That's it." "Speech over." ""I can do handshakes, Michael!" "And I can do victim." ""I can do handshake and victim both at the same time." ""But I've made a decision on this one." ""Reconciliation?" ""You have no idea." ""A handshake?" ""For killing my brother?" "For me taking the blame?" "33 years of that?" "What do you think I am, a joke?" ""If ever a man deserved a knife run through him, that scum of the earth." ""Truth and reconciliation?"" ""I'm going for revenge."" " Oh, hi." "I'm Vika." " Joe." "How are you doing?" " Your tea." " Oh, aye." "Thanks." " I'm the runner." " The runner?" "Do you mind if I have a smoke out there?" "Oh, no, no, no..." "No, no, of course you can!" "Come on, come on." " Here, have one of mine." " It's OK, I..." " No, Jesus, come on!" " Thank you." "Here." "Thank you." " You stay out here with me." " Thanks, but I..." "I'm the star of the show." "You have to do what I say!" " I've come to look after you anyway, so..." " That's great!" "Everyone's looking after me!" "They're even worrying about my toaster." " You're a what?" "A runner?" " Yeah, it means I run around and and makes what must be made." " A dogsbody, then!" " A dogsbody?" "No, no!" "Runner's better I like runner." "Young Fiona here visited me out of the blue one morning, said she was a researcher on a programme called One On One." "She was all posh and lovely, her voice is all up here and down there and the weather's always doing something, and every time she turns, she smiles at me." "Would she smile at me if she didn't know me and I sat down next to her in the pub?" "She'd call the police." "Ah!" "Fuck, I would!" "So, anyway," "And now look what I've got myself into." " Maybe it's a good thing you are here." " Aye." "Maybe it is." "Where are you from?" "Vladivostok." "Vladivostok AND Belfast?" "Does bad luck run in your family?" "I like it here." "I like you here too." "I like you!" "So, she was sitting in my kitchen, she says, this is an important programme about men who have become the man they have become, that you have become, or some fuck-knows thing." "Then she said it's more about the man you could become." ""That's what excites us all about this project," she said." "She had the light in her eyes, the missionary light." ""It's about healing", she said." ""It's about reconciliation."" ""What is that?" I said. "People coming out of their graves?"" ""No", she said, smiling." ""That's resurrection."" "We want you to meet the man who killed your brother, face to face." "I don't know." "The thing is, it isn't the way she was looking and talking, and I wasn't really listening to anything she was telling me." "It's just that... she showed me a little kindness." " Well, I'm sure..." " But I don't do kindness." "I fucking hate kindness." "I don't let that in." "I let it in then, but never again." "The trouble with me is, I've got all the wrong feelings." "But him!" "Oh, his feelings!" "They are just right, just perfect!" "He did it in cold blood, but now look at the man he has become!" ""What is it like to kill a man," they all ask him? "Well, you have to understand..."" "And off he goes again, telling them all about this and that." "But hats off to him, he's cracked it!" "He knows they all love to shake hands with a killer." " Is there someone with him?" " Oh, yes.Yes." "That's important, you know?" "Whatever he tells you he's feeling about this, he's going to be very angry." "I mean, very angry." " That anger could go in any direction." " I understand that." "You have to be prepared to stop the filming at any moment." " We're not performing monkeys." " No." "I realise you have a programme to make but what's happening to him has to come first." " Yes, absolutely." " You have to make sure he doesn't come to any harm." ""Listen to him", they will say, "and there is hope in the world!"" ""And you know what he's thinking?" ""Do this gig well here and I've got another 20 years of pay cheques in front of me." ""I can talk about that day then and this day now for the next 20 years," ""how I came face to face with the brother of my victim," ""and how it was the final act in my journey towards a magnificent redemption," ""and how listening to me is the way forward in life, plus VAT." ""And with their cheques in my pocket, I will talk unto the wretched of the world" ""and I will heal them with my words," ""I won't have to work in a fucking egg carton factory ever again."" "So!" "The man shot my brother three times in the head." "The man is having the life of Riley." "What should I do?" "Do I shake his hand or do I kill him?" "Well, killing him wouldn't be good for him." " For sure of that!" " But it wouldn't be good for you either." "Oh, not good for me?" "My five minutes of heaven!" "How would that be not good for me?" " Joe, hi!" "Everything OK?" " Aye." "OK, aye." "They're just doing a wee bit of filming downstairs and then we're set to go, OK?" "Can Cathy come in and do a wee bit of make-up just to get you ready?" " Aye." "OK, aye." " Hi, Joe." "I'm Cathy." "How are you, all right?" " Good, aye." "I'm good." " Lovely!" "I just want to sit you down here." "There we go." "That's lovely." "Now, this is just to take the shine off your skin." "Fuck, am I shining?" "OK, Alistair, the camera's running, so just in your own time." "In order for me..." "In order for me to talk about the man I have become, you need to know about the man I was." "I was 14 when I joined the Tartan Gangs and I was 15 when I joined the UVF, the Ulster Volunteer Force." "The situation at that time, you know..." "Cut there." "Sorry, that's very good but we're picking up some noise." "That's really good." "OK?" "OK, we're good to go again." " Running up." " And in your own time, Alistair." "For me to talk about the man I have become, you need to know about the man I was." "I was 14 when I joined the Tartan Gangs and I was 15 when I joined the UVF." "At that time, don't forget, there were riots on the streets every week, petrol bombs every day." "And that was just in our town." "When you got home and switched on the TV, you could see it was happening in every other town as well, and it was like we were under siege." "Fathers and brothers of friends were being killed in the streets and the feeling was, we all have to do something." "We're all in this together and we all have to do something." "The thing you have to remember, what you have to understand, is the mindset." "Once you have signed up to terror and joined the organisation, the group, your mind closes right down." "It becomes only our story that matters." "Not their story, the Catholics." "It's only my people that are being killed and who are suffering and who need looking after." "Catholics being killed doesn't enter your head." "And so when I went up to Sammy, our local commander, and told him I wanted to kill a Catholic man, it wasn't a wrong thing for me to do." "In my head, it was the proper, the just, the fair, the good thing to do." "And so it was easy." "When I got to the house, there was a boy in the street." "I didn't expect him to be there, but there he was." "I only looked at him for a moment because I had a job to do." "But if I had known that he was Jim's brother," "I would have shot him as well." "It was in the mindset." "It was tit for tat and perhaps one more, why not?" "That's what it was like." "I was only 17." "I had seen my people fighting ever since I was a wee boy." "You take sides with your friends as a boy, but we weren't just throwing stones over the fence - we were shooting guns." "What I want to tell people, what society must do, is to stop people getting to the point where they join the group." "Because when you get to that point, it's too late." "No-one's going to stop you." "No-one's going to change your mind." "And once you're in, you will do anything." "You will kill anyone on the other side because it's right to do it." "Once your man has joined the group, society has lost him." "And what he needs to hear are voices on his own side stopping him before he goes in." "There were no voices on my side." "Not on my side of the town." "Not on my estate." "No-one was telling me anything other than that killing is right." "It was only in prison when I heard that other voice." "And the Muslims now, you know, the kids now are like I was then." "They need to hear those voices now, stopping them from thinking that killing is good." "They need their own people to say no." "That's where they need to hear it." "That's where I would put my money, on making those voices heard in every mosque in the country." "When I got home, my mother and father were watching the TV and it came on the news that the man I had shot was dead." "I was so excited that I couldn't wait for when I would get my congratulations." "Sammy was going to come knocking at my door." "He was going to lead me out into the street and proudly walk me into the bar and everybody was going to stand up and applaud me." "I would have shot anyone for that." "And that is why I talk to anybody who will listen now, to tell them to stop boys like me thinking that to shoot an innocent and a decent man in the head is a good thing." "Alistair, when he comes into the room, what are you hoping for?" "Well, what I have to do is to be honest with him." "That is the most difficult thing, but that's what he's going to need from me, is to be honest with him." "Cut." "Good." "Fantastic." "Thank you." "That was perfect." "Yeah." "Once he's in the room with you, do you think...?" "I mean, is it likely he'll want an apology from you?" "Michael, Michael..." "He doesn't want to hear me say I'm sorry or to ask for forgiveness." "Reconciliation is not on the agenda." "That's not what he needs." "He has come here and I have come here so he can confront me." " Hiya, Joe." " Ah, here he is." "I wondered if I could sort you out with a wee radio mike here?" " Where are you putting that?" " How are we doing?" "Ready to go?" " I just need to clip this on here." " I don't like that side." " How are you feeling?" " Aye, OK." "What about if I put it in here?" "Is that better?" " Thank you." " You sure?" " Aye, OK." " Just need to clip this on here." " All right, that's it." " OK." "Good." "What we're gonna do now, we are going to bring you downstairs." "Now, the cameraman will be filming you but don't look at him Joe?" "Yeah, Joe?" "Going downstairs, aye." "Now, when you open the door and go into the room, make sure you open the door wide and leave it open." " OK?" " Aye." "What the cameraman will be doing, he'll be following you into the room, and somebody else'll be closing the door behind him, OK?" " Aye." " Clear?" " Sure?" " Aye, I'm sure." "OK, here you are." "OK, we're ready..." "OK." ""Quiet please!" "Running up." ""Joe, whenever you're ready."" " Shit!" "Cut!" " What?" "Sorry, I nearly fell there." "Sorry, Joe." "These things happen." "I'm afraid we really do need that shot." "Would you mind just doing that again - the walk down the stairs and then go to the room." "Aye, OK." "Sorry, Joe." "Thank you." "OK, guys, let's rehearse our moves until we get it right." "Then we'll go again." "Can I get a drink of water, please?" "...Oh, yeah." "Stay with him." "So, you're still looking after me, are you?" "I just want to say..." "I hope it goes well." " But he seems a nice man." " Who does?" "Mr Little." " Have you met him?" " Yes." " Where?" " In Belfast." "I went to his home." " I didn't know that." " Yes, I was delivering something." " To his home?" " Yes." " Did you go in?" " Yes." " Where was that?" " City centre... um beside the motorway." "A block of flats." " It's a flat, then, is it?" " Yes, a flat." " So, he let you in, did he?" " I didn't stay long, I..." "What was it like?" " His flat?" " What was it like?" "It was like...cold." " Empty." " Empty?" "Like not a home." "Not a happy place." "Was it?" "I didn't like it." "Is he on his own, then?" " Yes." " Is he?" "But you liked him?" "Yes." "What did you talk about?" "About this." " This meeting." " What did he say?" " Well, he was worried about it." " Oh, I bet he was!" "He was worried for you." " Joe, ready whenever you are." " OK." "What do you...?" "Will you let me finish my ciggie?" "Aye, yeah, sure..." "Fine." "Worried for me?" "What do you mean, he was worried for me?" "That..." "He said he thought it would be too painful for you." "He said that, did he?" "Too painful, is that what he said?" " Yes, difficult for you." " Painful or difficult?" "He said both." "Did he?" "What about him?" "What did he say about himself?" "He didn't talk about himself." "But he seems very sad." "Sad?" "I don't know, but..." "I don't know him really, but that's how he seemed." "Like he couldn't forgive himself for what he's done to you." "There's an expression you say, um a broken man." "A broken man." "So, it's good..." "It's good that you're meeting." "I think." "Fuck!" "Ready when you are, Joe." "OK?" "Ready when you are." "Aye." "I need an end to this." "Everything OK?" "Joe?" "Everything OK?" "Aye." "You ready?" "Aye." "Joe, just a wee bit more here." "There you go." "Great." ""Quiet, please!" ""Running up." ""OK, Joe, ready when you are." ""Joe, whenever you're ready."" "Joe?" "Are you all right?" "Do you want to sit down?" "I don't want the camera there." " I know, it takes some getting used to." " You'll have to take it away." " Well, the thing about that..." " The thing is nothing!" "Why don't we go and talk this through?" "I don't want the camera in my face when I am meeting that man!" " We did agree..." " I don't care what we agreed to." "I hear what you're saying, but there must be a camera." "Would you like to speak..." "They're going to be setting up, so why don't we take a few moments out, go upstairs and..." "I've been upstairs to be down the stairs!" "I am not a fucking show pony!" "I will meet him!" "I want to meet him!" "But I don't want the camera there!" "I understand that, Joe, but what I think..." " Joe, what we can't do is..." " No!" "Joe!" "33 years that boy has been living in this head, standing there, staring at me, looking up at me, never leaving me." "Never leaving." "Every morning waiting for me, and I know he'll be there for always." "I don't know what to do any more." "How to deal with this." "I feel I've come to the end of what I can take." ""Time will heal, they say."" "What everyone says about everything." "The years just get heavier." "Why don't they tell you that?" "Nobody tells you that." "Can I get you anything?" "Why do YOU think he didn't come in?" "Too frightened?" "You think he really wanted to meet me?" "I think he wanted to kill you." "Sorry, I just have to go." "Guilty if I laugh." "Guilty if I drink." "Guilty if I forget." "How to get through a day." "What to do in it." "I wake up, I go out." "But where to go?" "He's always there." "In my head." "And I don't know where to go." "Where to put yourself after it all." "It's the same for everyone." ""Some of us have found an answer." ""He's killed a few Catholics" ""in his time and now he's killing his own." ""Some protection thing to control the estate." ""Released after the Good Friday Agreement, he's on top of the world again," ""still living it, just like he always was," ""with his mates watching his back," ""breathing in the scent of his victories." ""If I had gone with him then, just said yes to him then..." ""That's all I had to do, just tell him I was in."" "I know that isn't my answer, but what is my answer, you know?" ""I sit in meeting rooms all over the world" ""and I help men to live with what they've done to a wife," ""a child, a stranger, a neighbour," ""how to live with that act of violence that's, you know," ""always there inside us." ""But I can't help myself." ""Sometimes I feel that this preacher is just the man I've become" ""so that I can cheat my way through my life."" ""The next stop is Lurgan."" "Tommy!" "Boys." " How's things?" " Aye, OK." "Tommy!" "It's a surprise to see you in here." "Would you mind getting this to Joe Griffin for me?" " How's Tommy?" " OK." "Aye." " Is he expecting it?" " No." "He might not take it, but I'll make sure it gets to him." "I would appreciate that." "Thanks." " Black tea, please, love." " Yeah, no problem." "Hi, Liam." " Who's this from?" " Sean." "What is it?" "A letter." "Can I go now?" " What did you say?" " Can I go now?" "Are you taking the girls, Joe?" " The girls?" " Marion's." " You said you would." " Marion's." "Oh, aye." "Aye, I'm taking them." "They're ready now." "They're waiting to go." " What is it?" "What's the matter?" " Little's come back." " He's wanting to meet with me." " You're not going to meet him." "You're not to be calling him!" " I'll be killing him, not calling." " Maybe he's wanting to end this." " I should have had him." " Why don't I get Sean to deal with it?" "You will fucking do nothing!" "You're not going to see him!" "Joe!" "I will have my five minutes!" "Joe!" "Joe!" "Joe?" "Joe?" "Come on, man!" "Fuck you!" "Enough..." "Enough." "I'm going to Belfast and I won't be coming back... so I'm going to tell you everything that happened here." "We were told that a Protestant worker had been threatened... and if he didn't leave the yard, he'd be shot." "I asked who the Catholics were working there." "Somebody said Jim Griffin." "I said, "Tell him if he doesn't leave, I'll shoot him."" "I knew he was leaving anyway, but it didn't make a difference." "It was my decision." "I was up for anything, to kill anyone." "I wanted...to be someone." "I wanted to... walk into the bar a man." "Walk in ten foot tall and hear the applause from the only people that mattered to me then." "And I heard it." "And it was good." "Get rid of me, Joe... so that when you wake up in the morning, it's not me's in your head, it's your daughters." "Don't give them me." "Go home and tell them that you've killed me off." "That I'm gone, forever." "I'm nothing." "Nothing." "Go home and tell them that and live your life for them." ""We did everything together." ""I don't know what is was, we just clicked." ""Alan was great." ""He liked me for who I was." ""And he didn't care about my problem." ""Alan had no sense of smell." ""Alan was my best friend." ""Alan was my only friend."" ""But every day was a constant struggle with my problem." ""And every day, I tried to avoid..." ""Damian." ""Look who it isn't." ""Patrick Smash." ""What you doing in my corner of the playground, Smash?" ""You ain't nothing but a big, fat loser."" "I haven't done this sort of thing before." "Or talked, or..." "So..." "I don't know what to say or how to say it." "I don't know the words, the sort of words you use." "I bought some sandals cos I'd seen it in a movie." "They were all sitting in a circle, wearing sandals." "Then I remembered it was a comedy." "But I got here eventually, got through that door." "I want my daughters...to have a dad they could be proud of." "That's it." "That's it." "Well, that's it." "That's out." "That's out." "That's out." "That's out." ""Alistair Little?" Yeah?" ""It's Joe Griffin." ""We're finished.""