"Right." "Now, Dad!" "Ah, now come on, son, play the game, you know better than that!" "What?" "I'll get out of the way and then you can turn it..." "Oops!" "What you playing at, man?" "Don't worry son, just stay where you are." "I'm coming!" "Sorry, I don't work here." "But you just said you did." "No, I said I work here." "Well, if you work in there, what are you doing out here?" "Well, I am allowed to move about, you know." "When a customer comes in, I don't just appear in the corner of the shop like Mr Ben!" "Who's Mr Ben?" "Is that the manager?" "No, he's..." "Look, I have nothing to do with them," "I pay them to be here." "Oh, you mean you're here on holiday?" "Well, why didn't you say?" "Listen I'm here on my own, if you fancy a game of dominoes later." "Gavin!" "They've lost the luggage!" "Oh, come here!" "Welcome back to paradise!" "How have they lost the luggage?" "They put the cases in the coach as we were getting on." "It's no good telling him, he doesn't work here." "We need to find Mr Ben." "Where's Troy?" "I'm here on my own." "What?" "!" "So am I!" "Why don't we have a threesome?" "I beg your pardon?" "Dominoes." "Oh no, I've just remembered, they were in my case as well!" "Oh, blood and sand!" "Excuse me!" "So this is the empire." "No wonder Vidal Sassoon has retired." "What do you mean, you're here on your own?" "Can we talk about this later?" "I need to see them about my luggage." "Oh, there's no manager here." "I want to know why you're here on your own." "Aren't you going to give me the grand tour?" "It's just two sinks and a set of heated rollers." "Come on, I think me and you need to have a little talk!" "Well, have you got any dominoes I can borrow until the cases turn up?" "I'm here on me own and they were going to be my ice breaker." "I think you should explain to us why not only have all our cases disappeared into thin air, but why no one was there to meet and greet when we got off the bus?" "Meet and greet?" "Where do you think you are, Disneyland?" "You should watch what you say, young man," "I've a lot of experience in the travel industry." "I spent three years under Richard Branson." "Oooh, is he the fella in the balloon?" "I always thought he was one of the Bee Gees." "And that coach driver was positively possessed." "There's a 60-year-old woman, with angina, sitting outside breathing into a paper bag." "I've never had a journey like it in my life!" "Look, the company who drive the coach are the responsibles." "You need to talk to your travel company rep, not me, OK?" "No, no, no, no, it isn't OK!" "And I want your name." "Mateo, my name is Mateo." "Are you blind as well as stupid?" "Blind man's buff!" "You only need an head scarf for that!" "Mind you, that's in my case as well." "Please excuse my associate, he's still learning the language." "Get out to the pool bar, this place is falling apart." "All the cases are missing." "How do you expect people to start their holidays when they haven't got any clothes to change into?" "Well, I'm sure we can liaise with the coach company and track down your cases before the end of the day." "Right, in the meantime we will be happy to temporarily lift the no swimming in underpants restriction for the gents and ladies can have full access to my personal wardrobe of bikinis and summer dresses." "Well, I suppose that's a..." "I beg your pardon?" "Oh!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Hello!" "Who the hell's that?" "Oh, it's what's-her-name, i'n't it, Noreen." "Maureen who?" "Noreen, Geoff's mother." "Who the frig's 'Geoff'?" "The soon-to-be father of your great-grandchild!" "Ooh." "Oh, I am glad to see you here!" "I was coming up to your bar later today." "Oh, we've lost the bar, love." "We're here on holiday." "You're not running that lovely bar?" "Are you deaf?" "She told you we lost it." "How can you lose a thing like that?" "It's right on the seafront." "Are you sure you were on the right beach?" "You know, there's another one further up, but that's mainly Germans." "No, we ran the bar for the summer, and then, well, things didn't really work out." "What's it got to do with you anyway?" "You here with that pisshead daughter of yours?" "Pauline?" "No, no, I'm here on my own." "You've come here on your own?" "What sort of holiday is that?" "Well, it always seems to be the same faces here." "I thought it was odds on I'd chum up with somebody." "Michael, go and get your auntie Noreen a sunbed." "She's not my auntie!" "A chair's fine for me." "Go get her a chair!" "I've just sat down!" "Oh, thank you, Michael." "Hasn't he grown?" "Right, now three teas." "I'm supposed to be on holiday!" "I'll get the teas." "No, you won't!" "Lazy bugger!" "And I wonder where he gets that from?" "Cup of tea, Noreen?" "Oh, lovely!" "Brandy in mine!" "We could have a game of 'I Spy' if you like, Michael." "I'm 13." "I've been meaning to ring you." "I mean, we're practically family what with my Geoff and your Chantelle having a baby together!" "Let's see what colour it is first before we get the streamers out." "So come on then, spill the beans, what's going on?" "Nothing's going on." "Where's Troy?" "He didn't want to come." "So you come all the way out here on your own?" "Yes." "What?" "Have you two split up?" "No, of course not." "So what's going on?" "Nothing is going on!" "How many times do I have to say that?" "You've always been an unconvincing actor." "What was that play you were in - Midsummer Night's Dream?" "You were rubbish!" "I'll have you know my Bottom was the talk of Derby for weeks after that." "Charming, most people are happy with a round of applause!" "Look, Troy's not here because we were too busy for both of us to come and I didn't want to miss the opening of your salon so I thought I'd come out myself for a few days." "Oh aye?" "Now, what about you giving me a trim while I'm waiting for these cases to turn up?" "You don't fool me, Gavin Ramsbottom." "I've seen that guilty look before at work when you squeeze one out and try and blame it on one of the Chihuahuas." "For goodness sake!" "Come on." "Grab that drink and look on the bright side." "If you have been chucked, you're in the alcoholic capital of Europe." "Even you could get a shag in Benidorm." "I hope you don't think I'm being rude... but you've got really beautiful eyes." "You think so?" "Yeah, I love the way they sparkle in the sunlight." "A lot of guys say this to me." "I tend to sweat a lot in the sun, but... but you smell gorgeous." "OK, I am quickly losing interest." "And if I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?" "It's not fair, you're not in the slightest bit interested!" "There is no point us going any further." "You promised I could have a turn at being the girl!" "'I tend to sweat a lot in the sun.'" "And then you wonder why girls do not like you?" "Well, come on then, show me how it's done." "There is no use in trying to fight what we both know is a forgotten conclusion." "Forgone." "Sh, do not speak." "Just look into Mateo's eyes and tell me your breast does not thump like a beating drum." "Ba-boom, ba-boom." "Come to my room tonight and we will make sweet music together." "Te amo, te necesito, te deseo." "Can I help you?" "Er, no, you're all right mate." "I think I'm at the wrong bar." "You can't just grab a girl's face like that, she'd be horrified." "Don't you know about personal space?" "You..." "You are everything that is wrong with English men." "Pale, weak, pathetic, like a tiny ginger mouse." "When was the last time you saw the matador running away from el toro?" "Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns." "Hiya, can I have, erm..." "Let me see..." "There's no use trying to fight it, don't even..." "That's what you think, you ginger dick!" "Now, it's only 10:30." "Bit rude to start on the Jagerbombs already." "I'll have a bacardi, large, straight, no ice." "Make that two, will you?" "We'll be sat over there." "Oi, drinks!" "I spy with my little eye something beginning with..." "Beginning with..." "Something beginning with 'C'." "Cardigan." "My turn." "I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'AB'." "Hang on a minute!" "'Absolute bollocks'." "Which is what we've been listening to for the past hour." "Mother!" "You didn't even give us a chance to guess!" "Anyway, it wasn't cardigan, it was camel." "Camel?" "That's right." "Is she on drugs?" "Where can you see a camel here, Noreen?" "Well, not an actual camel." "Camel hair." "Camel hair?" "Yeah, apparently that's what this cardie's made of." "That would explain the hump then!" "I think you mean mohair." "Oh, is that what it is, mohair?" "Well, what on earth is a 'mo'?" "Oh, for Christ's sake!" "I'm off to get some cigs." "It's all right, Nana." "I'll go for you." "Oh aye, and when did you suddenly become Santa's little helper?" "When Mrs Doubtfire started giving us all brain damage." "Oh, nice one, Michael!" "Come on, we'll go together." "Sorry about that, he's at a difficult age." "I'm used to it." "They tend to get a bit giddy when there's no father figure to keep them in check." "Is he unpacking?" "Who?" "Your husband?" "Oh, no, he's coming out in a couple of days." "We've got a few sunbed shops at home and there was a bit of a crisis just before we left." "Topping up his tan before he gets here, is he?" "No, we've got some staff problems." "He'll be here tomorrow or the day after." "My daughter Pauline had staff when she lived in South Africa." "She once told me her butler used to wake her every morning with a soft boiled egg." "I think he must have just tapped it on her head." "Did you live in South Africa when you had Pauline?" "Oh, no fear!" "I've never been to South Africa." "Very racist country." "Is it?" "Oh yeah." "And when they're not being racist, they're running around in a loin cloth with a bone through their nose." "According to our Pauline." "So that's it." "Not exactly Tony  Guy, more Kenneth  Co." "Well, from tiny acorns..." "Do you mind not looking at my hotpants when you say that?" "Talking of Kenneth and company, it's not just you working here, is it?" "Oh no, God forbid, I'd never get any sunbathing done." "No, I've got interviews this afternoon for a new assistant." "I'm looking for someone very local and very cheap." "No change there then." "Oi!" "Hello, sorry to interrupt." "Can you do me a wash and blow dry sometime this afternoon?" "No." "So what is going on with Troy then?" "You can't squeeze me in?" "I don't want a cut, I just want a wash and blow dry." "No, I'm sorry love, we're completely rushed off our feet." "Go on." "Well..." "This evening?" "You what?" "Do you have an appointment early evening?" "No." "I bet you I know what's going on." "All that money's gone to his head." "I had this mate once who won Ј300 on a scratch card, started shopping in Waitrose and buying loose leaf tea." "When is your next appointment?" "Oh, will you go away?" "Look, believe me love, with split ends like that it's not an hairdresser you need, it's a crash helmet." "No, it's nothing like that." "We had a bit of argument a few days ago." "Can't remember what it was about now." "Then he started getting a bit distant." "He's set up a management company for all these houses his father left him in his will and works all day and night." "Anyway, I said, 'You're obviously too busy to come on this holiday, maybe I should go and see Kenneth on my own'." "I only said it to get a reaction and he said, 'great idea'." "And here I am." "Do you think they do 'wonder pants'?" "You know, like a wonder bra, but for men?" "I think I need a bit of lift and separation." "Any chance of a quick head massage?" "No!" "How many times?" "!" "Jacqueline!" "Oh my God!" "Hola!" "Oh, come here!" "You look wonderful!" "Thank you!" "I can't believe you're here!" "I tried ringing you on that number you gave me last year but it just went dead." "I thought it was maybe Donald's number you gave by mistake!" "Kenneth!" "How insensitive!" "Jacqueline, how are you?" "Oh, you know, bearing up." "A lot's happened since last time I saw you." "Well, of course, it must be almost a year to the week of Donald's death." "It's so brave of you to come back to Benidorm." "I imagine being here you feel much closer to him." "You could say that." "Kenneth?" "My God!" "Kenneth?" "Kenneth?" "Oh!" "Oh God!" "Ghost by the door!" "What on earth are you talking about?" "No, I just saw him walk past..." "I've come to take you with me!" "Pack it in, will you?" "Sorry about that." "How many times have I told you not to do that?" "Sorry, the temptation is sometimes just too great." "I think we've got a bit of explaining to do." "So you're trying to tell me you came here last year and you didn't cop off with one single bloke?" "Yeah." "You, in Benidorm for a whole week, and you didn't cop off?" "That is not the truth, pure and simple." "You know what Oscar Wilde said," "'The truth is rarely pure and never simple'." "Yeah and you know what else he said?" "'You can't shit a shitter'." "Oh yeah, that were in Lady Windermere's Fan, weren't it?" "Dunno." "Anyway, it wasn't my fault I didn't get a shag last year." "I broke me leg, didn't I?" "I could have both my arms in plaster and I'd still find a way to unbutton the mutton." "In saying that, there's not much talent here." "Apart from Dirty Diego, of course." "That's the one I were telling you about!" "The one that shagged Natalie?" "Yeah, they were engaged at one point." "What?" "You have got to be joking!" "She wanted to marry a dirty, clap-infested Spanish barman at a Benidorm all-inclusive?" "Turns out he was married with kids." "Of course he is, that type always are." "Which means when he's tired of riding an old Spanish donkey at home, he comes to work for an English saucy mare." "You just said he were clap-infested?" "We're in Benidorm!" "Get real, Sam." "You can't fight the bull without picking up a few fleas." "Anyway, sorry to say it, but I think he goes for something a bit more..." "A bit more what?" "Feminine." "Are you saying that I'm not feminine?" "Well, you can be a bit - A bit what?" "A bit blokeish." "Blokeish?" "!" "You are joking, aren't you?" "Yeah, I'm a strong woman, and I'm proud of that, but at the end of the day they don't come more girly than me." "Hey, Liam!" "I didn't know you worked here." "That's weird." "That's the lad we met last year." "Oh yeah, I nutted him in the face earlier." "So, it was all a big insurance scam?" "I don't like to use the word 'scam'." "Well, then what was it?" "Oh no, it was a scam." "I just don't like to use the word." "What happened then?" "Well, you know the fella with the white beard, that we saw at the British Consulate?" "Yeah." "Well, he followed us." "What, all the way to Marrakech?" "Oh yes." "Honestly, why don't people just mind their own business?" "They were trying to defraud an insurance company out of half a million!" "Exactly, an insurance company." "So no need for captain Birdseye to be poking his sticky beak in." "Anyway, things got rather messy after that." "We got home, charges were pressed, and I'm afraid a custodial sentence was passed." "Oh no!" "Well, it could have been worse." "Some people go to prison for stuff like that." "That's what a custodial sentence means, you idiot!" "Oh." "Surely the company hadn't paid out by then?" "It didn't matter, it was still a fraudulent claim." "I managed to pull a few strings with a friend of mine who's a high court judge who happens to be the president of the DSA." "Darlington Swingers Association." "But he only managed to help Jacqueline." "I'm afraid somebody had to take the rap, and I went down for eight months." "Eight months?" "!" "I'm afraid so." "8 months confined, 23 hours a day in a cell with a 19-year-old body building arsonist." "Woo-hoo!" "Now we're talking turkey!" "'Arsonist' means he sets fire to things." "Oh." "It must have been absolute hell." "It had its ups and downs." "I did my best to make sure Donald had his home comforts." "Every visiting day," "I used to smuggle something in for you, didn't I?" "Every Friday without fail." "They used to frisk you as you went in, but I got quite good at hiding things, well, let's say, 'about my person', if you know what I mean." "Right." "Oh yes." "I started with easy things... you know, pens, money, magazines - rolled up, of course." "Yeah, well, they'd have to be." "But after a few months practice," "I was smuggling in all sorts, wasn't I?" "Oh yes, I can safely say I was the only man on D-Wing with a George Foreman Grill." "Right, another round, I think." "I'll go." "I'll go." "I don't think you should risk siting on one of them bar stools." "We might never see it again." "This place is falling apart!" "And then he wanted him to be called Clint, after Clint Eastwood." "Can you imagine our Geoff being called Clint?" "So I had to put my foot down and say no." "'You chose Pauline's name so it's my turn now.'" "Sorry Noreen, were you saying something?" "I was just saying, 11 names our Geoff had in the week before he was actually christened." "Michael." "No, not Michael." "He was Melvin at one point." "No." "Where's our Michael?" "He went for cigarettes with Madge." "That was ages ago." "That were brilliant." "My dad never lets us go to the beach." "Live for today, son, that's what I say." "Plus hopefully that wittering old bag will have buggered off by now." "The only thing is though, I've spent all my holiday money." "All of it?" "I knew you shouldn't have bought that inflatable." "The inflatable was only 6 euros." "Your cigs was 35 euros, your hat was 15 and your nails were 20." "Yeah, but don't I look good?" "Oh, come on, game of ping pong?" "Yeah, all right." "There you go." "Cheers." "That must be for you." "Weren't you dressed as a man earlier?" "Yes, pet." "Thank you." "Excuse me!" "Yes, love?" "What's this?" "Er, it's the salad you ordered." "No, I ordered a pepper salad." "Oh aye, there's plenty of pepper on it." "I watched the chef make it." "He was sneezing like an asthmatic cat!" "Hey, I'd hold your nose if I was you!" "No, no." "I ordered a pepper salad - a salad with peppers on it." "Oh!" "You mean salad peppers, not shaky pepper." "What's shaky pepper?" "You know, salt and pepper." "Where's the man who took the order?" "Oh, that would be Mateo." "He's sloped off for a fag break." "Between you and me, this place is in chaos at the moment." "Oi, Tranny Annie!" "Are you trying to kill me?" "My salad is covered in pepper!" "Out the way, mind your backs!" "Where are you going with that?" "What the frig's it got to do with you?" "Excuse me, excuse me." "You're not allowed to move the ping pong table." "Do you think I'm going to be playing indoors when it's 85 degrees out here?" "Piss off!" "Dad, it's all going wrong today." "Don't worry, son." "I'll handle this." "Where have you been?" "You said you were off for a fag break." "I did, then I went for a swim." "Oh!" "Lesley, relax, there is no person in charge." "When the cat is away the mices will play." "I think it's about time the mices were put back in their cage." "All right pet, just calm down, I'll get you another salad." "Listen, get changed, right?" "And it's not a cat who's away, it's the new manager." "If he sees you like this he'll have your guts for garters." "What can he do?" "Every manager we have the same." "They come here and they think they are very important, but he will be just another English asshole." "I beg your pardon?" "!" "He wasn't talking about you, he was talking about the new manager." "I AM the new manager." "I beg your pardon, love?" "Joyce Temple Savage, the new manager of the Solana." "Well, if you're the new manager, what are you doing here on holiday?" "You were supposed to start today." "She's not on holiday young 'un, she's been spying on us." "Spying?" "I don't think so!" "When you spy, you look through a fence or over a wall." "I've been here, in the eye of the storm." "Oh come on now, you might be having a crap holiday, but you can't fault the weather." "I want you three idiots and all the members of staff on this list in the Hawaiian function room in 15 minutes." "Pathetic!" "Do you hear me?" "Pathetic!" "And believe me, after 25 years in tourism, I have seen the lot." "I have seen..." "staff paralytic in Portugal, stagnant swimming pools in Salou, food poisoning in Faliraki..." "So, in fairness this isn't your worst holiday." "I am not on holiday!" "Listen pet, I know things might have looked bad, but we had no idea you were the new manager." "We were told it was going to be a bloke." "I think they were right." "What did you just say?" "I did not say anything." "You, my friend, are standing on very thin ice!" "You, what's your name?" "He does not speak English." "He doesn't speak English?" "His name's on his badge." "I wasn't asking you!" "What did he just say?" "He said he likes your hair." "A transvestite waiter, a moronic caretaker and a hotel worker in Benidorm who doesn't speak a word of English." "Well, I've heard the lot now!" "Well, I suppose it's a bit like there being a manager of a holiday resort in Spain who doesn't speak Spanish." "Watch it, you." "I'm in charge here." "I do not, repeat, do not tolerate any form of back chat!" "You, get in this line!" "Piss off!" "That's Kenneth, he's not actually Solana staff." "I knew the reputation of this place before I took on the position, but nothing... nothing had prepared me for the undiluted incompetence" "I have witnessed here this morning." "But, luckily for you," "I enjoy a challenge." "And I am going to turn this standing joke into the pride of Benidorm or my name is not Joyce Temple Savage." "You said your name was Joyce Temple Savage." "What?" "Outside, you said your name was Joyce Temple Savage and now you're saying it's not Joyce Temple Savage." "There's a time to talk and a time to keep quiet." "Now is a time to keep quiet." "Sorry, Dad." "Dad?" "That explains a lot." "And I assume you're the long-lost cousin." "Hey, I have no relations with these people whichsoever." "Class dismissed." "Welcome to the Solana." "You seem to be a little stressed." "If you need to relax, just let me know, I am very good with my hands." "Get back to work!" "Well, it was very nice to meet you..." "Destiny." "And if we do get any vacancies for a 16-year-old lap dancer with no qualifications in hairdressing, then you'll certainly be in the top ten people we'll call back to the second round." "Thank you very much." "Oh, it's you." "I'd like a word with you." "Well, you've just had six, so one more won't hurt." "I appreciate that you are not Solana staff, so I can't sack you straight away." "But one word from me to head office, and you'll be out of this salon so fast your feet won't touch the ground." "And one word from me saying how your first morning was spent watching this place fall apart while you were sat on your arse in the sun sipping cocktails and eyeing up waiters and you'll be on your broomstick faster than you can say Margaret Hamilton!" "Next!" "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, madame et monsieur, my name is Joyce Temple Savage and I am your Solana manageress." "And it my great pleasure to welcome you to this Solana Resorts holiday here in sunny Benidorm." "The weather is a warm yet not uncomfortable 24 degrees, but for those of you who are not sun worshippers, we have our afternoon kiddie's movie in the Hawaiian Function Room." "So this is Joyce Temple Savage, your Solana manageress, saying gracias for your indulgence and wishing you a very happy holiday." "What the frig is this they've got on?" "Oh, I love this, it's, erm..." "Oh, what do they call him, it begins with a 'B'." "Beethoven?" "Bobby Crush." "Do you not like classical music, Madge?" "Sorry to interrupt you again," "Joyce Temple Savage here, your Solana manageress." "Just a slight amendment for you." "The kiddie's film now being shown in the Hawaiian Function Room is not 'Dumbo' as previously advertised but 'The Elephant Man' starring John Hurt." "Very similar to 'Dumbo' except this one is in black and white and he has a bag over his head." "Those of you who have yet to be reunited with your luggage, will find a full range of complimentary under-arm deodorants and intimate feminine moist wipes available gratis... that's free of charge, in the front reception." "Thank you for your indulgence." "That's all we need, a load of fat, sweating pigs stinking the place to high heaven!" "I hope she's not going to be making these announcements every five minutes." "And why is that music this loud?" "Michael, go and ask them to turn it down." "You go and ask them." "I'm getting a bit tired of your back-chat, my lad." "Just because your father's not here." "You're not too old to go across my knee." "I don't know why you had a son, you obviously just wanted a skivvy!" "Drag him out of that pool by his hair and batter him within an inch of his life!" "Oooh, battered cod, that's what I should have had." "This burger is dry as a bone!" "He's just missing his dad." "Joyce Temple Savage, your Solana manageress again, just letting you know that due to hygiene reasons," "Solana guests who are still waiting on their lost luggage and consequently have had no change of clothes since the early hours of this morning are not permitted to use the pool." "Also, the large lady with the blotchy arms and long, dark, greasy hair, please keep to swimming with her head out of the water." "We have enough drainage problems as it is." "Gracias for your indulgence." "Right, I'm not standing for this." "Where are you going?" "I'm off to shove this plinky plonky music right up Joyce Temple Savage's arse!" "Oh 'eck!" "Three down, 'highest male singing voice', twelve letters." "Dale Winton?" "Not enough letters." "Chris Biggins!" "Oh yes!" "What the frig is this you've got playing?" "This is Liebestraum." "Not for me, thank you love." "I'm just trying to get this shite music turned off!" "Oi!" "I'm sorry, do you have a problem?" "Yeah, but not as much of a problem as you if you don't turn this bloody racket off!" "Classical music has been clinically proven to de-stress, minimise crime and reduce staff assaults by up to 25%." "Reduce staff assaults?" "Where was your last job, bloody Alcatraz?" "I'm sure if you go and lie on your sun bed, and soak up the atmosphere you'll realise just how relaxed and comfortable classical music can make you feel." "And I'm sure if you don't turn this music off, you'll realise how uncomfortable a fat lip can make you feel." "What's this music you're playing?" "It's doing everybody's head in!" "Well, I think it's rather fine." "Well, I mean, it does start to grate after a while." "Well, there's only one way to decide this." "Good afternoon, ladies and gen- Oh, and pack it in with them bloody announcements!" "Oh my God!" "Jacqueline, are you all right?" "Oh, yes." "I wonder if they're all right." "They've been through such a lot." "You're joking, aren't you?" "When they got out of the pool," "Donald spent 15 minutes asking the make and model of that microphone!" "Hello boys, all right if we join you?" "Of course, we were saving your seats." "How are you, Jacqueline?" "You look... better." "Not that bad, actually." "I had a similar jolt when I smuggled a transistor radio into prison for Donald." "Yes, that was a close shave." "We were sitting in the visiting room, Jacqueline crossed her legs and we had Pick Of The Week blaring through her pleated skirt!" "How did your interviews for a salon assistant go?" "Oh, brilliant thanks." "I've got someone starting tomorrow morning." "Her name's Carmen, you know, like the rollers." "Spanish girl?" "Can't speak a word of English." "I've told him, it'll all end in tears." "I've told you, she's on a month's unpaid trial and after that four euros an hour." "Like Del Boy used to say, this time next year... you'll be at a European tribunal." "Oh, I don't remember that episode." "Was that the one where he fell through the bar?" "Look, they're here, they're not dead!" "You knew they weren't dead." "You saw them get out of the pool." "If they had died would you have gone to prison, Nana?" "What are you talking about?" "It was nothing to do with me." "You texting Mick?" "Yeah." "You honestly think he's going to be coming out here?" "Nothing wrong with them shops." "He's on manoeuvres, mark my words." "Very pretty young lass he's just taken on in the Claremont Road shop." "Very pretty lass indeed." "My dad always said you'd do well in prison, Nana." "That's because I'm single minded, I'm independent and I won't be beaten." "No, he said it's because you look like someone called 'Vinegar Tits'." "The scran in here isn't much better than that salad I had today." "It's not the food we want to be bothered about." "Come on, get that drink down your neck." "I'll get us another couple and we can get this party started." "What, in here?" "No, we use this place for as many free drinks as possible, sing a couple of karaoke songs to warm up, then hit the town." "It's like a pensioner's day trip." "What are we going to sing," "'We'll Meet Again'?" "Excuse me, four more vodka cokes here." "You can only have two drinks at one time." "Two drinks, two people." "Bring us the drinks that we've paid for on this all-inclusive holiday, or you'll have me to answer to." "I get you four drinks now, but this is the first and last time." "You do not scare me." "I think you might be playing a little bit too hard to get with that one." "Believe me, I know what I'm doing." "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." "What do you do for foreplay, kick 'em in t' balls?" "See, what you've got to understand Lesley, is these are not holiday-makers." "I thought they were." "Oh no." "These are all dogs." "Well, there's a fair few munters, I'll give you that, but one or two of them aren't so bad!" "I don't mean like that." "I mean they've got to be trained." "They have a pack mentality." "Without sophisticated touches such as classical music, this place is in grave danger of being downgraded to a two star resort." "Take this afternoon, for example." "One person said they didn't like the music, what happened?" "Two people got electrocuted in the pool." "No, the pack mentality kicked in." "Do you not just think the majority of the people here prefer other types of music?" "What about Pablo's dogs?" "His name's Mateo and he hasn't got a dog." "You ring a bell enough times and a dog will start slavering." "I'm not sure." "I think you're just saying random words now." "Watch and learn, my friends." "Joyce Temple Savage will not be beaten." "Something tells me she will be beaten, young 'un." "About the face and upper body with a chair leg if she pisses this lot off any more!" "Bonsoir tout le monde, my name as many of you now know is Joyce..." "Temple Savage." "Yes, that's correct and it is my profound pleasure to introduce tonight's entertainment." "There will be no karaoke this evening... but instead we have a singer who is described in Opera Today magazine as 'a wonderfully gifted young man with a winning smile and a golden voice'." "Please welcome, all the way from Milan, Arturo!" "Boo!" "♪ Dalla sua pace... ♪" "What are they frigging about at?" "People on holiday don't want to be listening to this!" "Well, it's all right, but I don't think I'd want to listen to it all night." "♪ Piace vita mi rende... ♪" "I've seen enough." "Come on, we're hitting the town." "Hang on, I think I've just developed a love of opera." "♪ Morte... ♪" "Crap music, but he's as fit as they come." "Oh, I could sit and let it wash over me all night." "Hey, you dirty git, I saw him first!" "I was talking about the music." "Yeah, right!" "You see, the peasants aren't revolting." "Far from it, can you see what's happening?" "Yeah, the poor lad's dying on his arse!" "The odd nod of appreciation, the gentle swaying of the head." "You see, people don't have to be screaming and shouting and throwing themselves about the place to enjoy themselves." "♪ E mia quell'ira... ♪" "I am not so sure." "This is boring." "Aw, poor lad's getting all flustered." "Mind you, it is absolute shite." "What did they say this lad's name was?" "Dunno." "I know who that is, that's Asa." "Who is it?" "Asa Elliott, he used to sing for us at The Benidorm Palace." "Hey, Asa!" "Give us a song we know!" "All right Madge." "How you doing?" "It's all gone a bit Pete Tong up here." "Well, try number 27." "Number 27, Darren!" "♪ I seen her in a smoky room ♪" "♪ The smell of wine and cheap perfume ♪" "♪ For a smile they can share the night ♪" "♪ It goes on and on and on and on ♪" "♪ Strangers waiting ♪" "♪ Up and down the boulevard♪" "♪ There's shadows searching...♪" "It's Mick." "He's got everything sorted, and he's flying out tomorrow!" "Oh, my dad's coming on holiday!" "♪ People living just to find emotion ♪" "♪ Hiding somewhere in the night... ♪" "This guy is good." "He's brilliant!" "Course he is!" "I had you all going there, didn't I?" "Well, the pack mentality's working - even you've joined them." "Go on, son!" "♪ Don't stop believing ♪" "♪ Hold on to the end ♪" "♪ Streetlights, people ♪" "♪ Don't stop believing ♪" "♪ Hold on to the end... ♪" "I don't believe it, I think I'm in there." "Of course you are, queen, he's gagging for you." "You've no idea what it was like being here last year with my leg in plaster, I couldn't get a sniff!" "That was then, this is now, girl." "You go for it!" "Whoo!" "♪ Streetlights, people ♪" "Are you all right, queen?" "I think I've broken my arm." "I don't believe it!" "Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells"