"I'm on my way home now." "Darling, I'm not a machine." "I need time to... refill." "Yes, I'm wearing my baggy boxers!" "(HANGS UP)" "~ All right?" "~ No, I'm exhausted." "~ Me and the wife are trying to get pregnant. ~ Both of you?" "Four times last night Karl, four." "And a half." "I started snoring during." "I had to pretend it was a love noise." "Nothing's ever straightforward with women, is it?" "Ugh!" "I know what you mean." "Actually, George, I've got this friend who really, really fancies this girl he works with." "Oh, yeah?" "Where does he work?" "~ In a job centre." "~ Hm." "Like you." "~ Yes, exactly like me. ~ Well, that's why you're friends; a lot in common." "Yes, loads." "Anyway, my friend wants to ask this girl out, but he's not sure if she fancies him." "Plus she's got this weird rule about not dating people she works with." "Rules are made to be broken, Karl." "Two words: "carpe diem"." "It means "Go for it" in German." "~ Your friend should just do it." "~ Yeah." "I'm going to." "I'm going to tell my friend to ask her out." "He could get run over by a bus tomorrow." "Or fall down a well." "Yep." "Or that." "You know who we're talking about, don't you, George?" "Karl, I work in fraud detection." "I know how to read between the lines." "It's Paul, innit?" "No." "Graham?" "But... he doesn't even work here." "(MOUTHS)" "~ Yeah, I'll see you later, George." "~ Wh-Wh-Wh..." "Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth." "Clear your minds." "Relax." "~ (SNORES) ~ Today is all about you." "~ And earning time and a half for working on a Saturday!" "~ Yay!" "(LAUGHS)" "Eh?" "!" "And a very warm welcome to the staff from the Kingstanding branch." "It's so nice to see so many of you at this mandatory health and wellbeing training event." "And out through your mouth." "Ugh..." "Do you want to join me, Denise, and run this together," "~ managers united?" "~ I'd love to, but I'm a slave to my bunions." "And in through your nose." "And out through your mouth." "~ Hi." "~ Hi." "~ Can we talk later?" "~ Sshh, Karl, please." "The "Healthy Staff Happy Staff" initiative is all about putting your wellbeing first." "(SNORES)" "Mummy!" "Mummy!" "We'll be doing a number of exercises designed to relieve stress and help you relax." "Then later there'll be a refresher course on how to deal with physically violent jobseekers." "What have you done?" "No-one's dead, Gray, we're just doing staff training." "~ OK, I'll come back later." "~ No, mate." "it's Saturday, we're totally closed." "That's absolutely fine." "About two?" "Still closed, mate." "Come back Monday." "Completely understand, Paul." "I'll see you tomorrow." "OK, we're going to do an exercise called "This is me." "Who are you?"" "~ Denise." "~ What?" "~ Do you want to carry on?" "~ Oh, is it me?" "Oh, hang on, darling." "Erm..." "Just tell them to get into pairs." "Sorry, Trish, I'm lost." "No, it's fine." "Get into pairs, everyone." "Howdy, partner!" "What did you want to talk about?" "It's probably the wrong time to talk about it, actually." "Although when is there a right time?" "I could fall down a well tomorrow." "Karlos!" "Hello, mate!" "~ You're a bit late, aren't you?" "~ Half-ten on a Saturday?" "~ I don't normally get up till Sunday!" "~ Oh, you two make a lovely pair." "Actually, me and Karl have already partnered up." "Well, unpartner, then, and work with someone new." "You two see each other every day." "Don't you want a change?" "Well, I'll find you somebody else." "Tyler." "~ Natalie." "~ Oh, he told me all about you." "~ Oh, yeah?" "What did he say?" "~ Just that you were fit." "Me and Tyler have done these training days together before." "This bloke, yeah, legend." "He probably cracks me up!" "He is the funniest person I've have ever met." "~ We are talking about Karl, right?" "~ Hah!" "Natalie?" "Come on, mate." "So, you're Tyler Kerrigan." "You've worked at the jobcentre for " "Karlos!" "Mate!" "You're not actually doing this bollocks, are you?" "~ Nah." "No." "I'm only joking." "~ Course you are!" "Nutcase!" "Here." "I've got something to make the day a bit more interesting." "Topped it up with a little cheeky something to get us started." "~ Get involved." "~ It's a bit early for that, innit?" "~ It's not even that strong." "~ I should probably have it with food." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "That's so funny when you pretend to be all boring like that." "Yeah." "All right." "Give it here." "Whagwan dot com!" "OK, Angela, tell us what you've learned about Gary from Kingstanding." "His name's Gary and he's from Kingstanding." "~ Yeah." "Hm?" "~ OK." "Gary, what have you learned about Angela?" "Oh, the mysterious enigma that is Angie!" "Well, she has a very dry sense of humour." "~ We've had a giggle, haven't we?" "~ No." "I keep knocking on the door, but she's not letting me in." "Ha ha ha!" "But by the end of the day I'm gonna crack her hard shell" "~ and find her soft centre." "~ Well, good luck with that." "Natalie, would you like to report back?" "Yes." "This is Denise." "She's forty-something." "A lady never tells." "She's been a manager for six years and she suffers from a number of health issues." "Migraines, irritable bowel, ingrowing toenails." "~ I don't like to talk about it." "~ Well, don't, then." "Tell us what you've learnt about Natalie." "Yes, well I have met the most lovely wonderful" "~ and talented Natalie Mason." "~ Hello!" "She's deputy manager of Brownall." "~ Yay!" "~ And loves the work, God bless her." "She's saving for a flat and doesn't have a boyfriend." "~ So, what's that about?" "~ Yes, well..." "Natalie's focused on her career at the moment." "Oh, sweetheart, don't let this place stop you finding a fella." "You're far too lovely to keep all to yourself." "~ Ah..." "~ Yeah, I would." "~ Thanks. ~ There's plenty of time for romance later." "You want to be regional manager by the time you're 30, don't you?" "~ Can't I have a boyfriend and be regional manager?" "~ No, you can't." "Well, what if she meets the right person now?" "She may only get one chance to find true happiness." "OK, let's move on." "This isn't Dawson's Creek." "That's what today's about, Trish, my lovely darling." "~ You can't let work take over your life. ~ Yeah." "And you can't let life ruin your career." "I'm single, I'm successful and I am very happy." "Right?" "I am happy." "Are we happy?" "I'm happy." "So, let's hail yourselves a relaxi-taxi, it's massage time." "♪ ENYA:" "Orinoco Flow" "Is that good?" "~ Am I doing it right?" "~ Yeah, it feels nice." "Bit harder maybe." "Harder." "OK." "Shall I go faster?" "Karl, if you could stop manhandling Natalie for a moment," "I'd like a word with her." "Oh!" "Are my eyes deceiving me?" "It looks like a beautiful woman has been left without a partner." "Get your fat fingers off me, or I will damage you." "Ho ho ho ho!" "Oh, you do make me laugh, Angie." "Come on." "Ah, that is really relaxing." "It's like your fingers are melting into my back." "Relax, just go with it mate." "Seriously, it's like warm custard is being poured all over my body." "I love coming up on Ketamine." "~ Yeah!" "~ Yeah." "Sorry, what what did you say?" "~ Ketamine?" "~ Yeah, in the drink." "~ Oh, did you think it was pills?" "~ No." "~ I thought it was vodka." "~ Ha ha!" "You are proper funny man." "~ You have done K before, haven't you?" "~ No, I haven't." "Call me old-fashioned, but I don't usually have horse tranquiliser for breakfast." "Ahh, you had me going then!" "Oh, bad jokes." "Oh..." "Ohh!" "Fuck!" "There's no way of saying this, but I think Karl finds you sexually attractive." "~ Trish!" "~ So obviously you need to be separated." "~ Separated?" "We're not naughty children. ~ What about the rule?" "Dating a colleague is a disaster waiting to happen." "~ I'm only thinking of you." "~ Are you?" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Trish?" "Oh, Natalie, sweetheart, can we have a talk about your future?" "Can we go in here?" "Yep." "What's this about?" "Is everything all right, my beautiful darling?" "Stop me if I'm out of line, but I sensed tension between you and Trish." "~ Oh." "Is it that noticeable?" "~ Talk to me, Natalie." "Tell me your troubles." "We know Trish is occasionally impossible to work with." "~ (MOUTHS) ~ No, it's not that, it's just she's got this rule about not dating your work colleagues, and I think I've sort of fallen for one of mine." "Is it George?" "The fraud officer with the beard you could hang onto for dear life." "No." "It's Karl." "The sort of funny-looking, clean-shaven one." "Oh, I see." "Then, why don't you come and work for me, my lovely?" "I'm rarely there, what with my health problems." "If it's not my feet, it's my migraines." "And..." "I'm going through the change." "So some days I'm just too emotional to come in." "I cry at tampon adverts." "~ What do you think?" "~ Would I still be deputy manager at Kingstanding?" "And acting manager when I was away." "I don't care who you have sex with." "Brilliant!" "I'll have sex with everyone!" "Ew, Natalie." "Can I think about it?" "We should probably get back." "Oh, Trish has left her keys." "(DOOR CLOSES, THEN IS LOCKED)" "Oh, no, no, no!" "Don't be locked." "Oh, Trish." "Oh, God." "OK." "It's all right, Trish, keep calm." "Well, no, I didn't mean to take it." "It was in a drink." "No, I'm not at a rave." "I'm at a health and wellbeing training event." "Yes, I can see the irony." "Oh." "Oh." "Wh-Wh-What's going to happen?" "I'm starting to feel floppy." "Karl looks up." "~ Hello, Natalie." "~ Hi." "~ Have you seen Trish anywhere?" "We're going to start back. ~ Trish?" "No, I have not seen Trish, not at all..." "Natalie." "All right." "Goodbye, Natalie." "Does it have to be today?" "Please don't call me names." "Some men find that word offensive." "~ Someone's keen." "~ Sometimes, Paul... life would be easier if I just went and lived alone in the woods." "~ Where would you sleep?" "~ I'd fashion a bivouac out of leaves and moss." "You've never even been camping." "What's brought this on?" "Tanya's booked me in for a sperm test." "She thinks I'm firing blanks." "~ I see. ~ I went for a test before, but I couldn't do it." "Too much pressure at the clinic." "I don't perform well under stress." "They gave me this to fill." "I don't think you have to fill it, mate." "You're not a whale." "If I go home without a sample," "Tanya will make sure I have nothing to do a sample with." "Why don't you take yourself to the disabled toilet for five minutes?" "It's perfect for some private gentleman time." "And they've got a mirror." "I am off my chops." "I feel sort of terrified." "My..." "My leg's gone wobbly." "I think your phone's ringing." "Oh!" "(LAUGHS)" "(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)" "Trish is phoning me." "Yeah." "You gonna answer it?" "No." "Oh, my phone feels like a sponge." "~ Squashy." "Like a boob." "~ Yes." "A boob." "I like boobs." "(THUD) Ow!" "Come on, think, Trish, think." "There's still no sign of Trish." "So, Denise," "~ do you want to take over?" "~ Not really." "~ Why don't you do it?" "You'll be brilliant. ~ OK, then." "~ Sure you can manage?" "~ Yes, thanks." "We are going to play a fun game of healthy-eating Pictionary!" "Ugh!" "I will not let her take my Natalie." "Come on, Trish." "Oh, it's a candle?" "Candle?" "Candle?" "It looks like a candle?" "Is it a candle?" "~ Candle?" "~ Stop saying "Candle"." "It's all healthy food." "~ Is it corn on the cob?" "~ No." "I thought you had an art degree." "Finger of Fudge." "No it's healthy food." "Karl, what is it?" "It's... a banana." "Oh, ho ho ho!" "I thought it looked like a candle." "~ What do you think it looked like, Angie?" "~ A penis." "Oh." "George?" "What on earth are you...?" "Oh, sweet Lord Jesus." "Ahh!" "Physical restraining techniques should only be used as a last resort." "But, if the claimant gets ugly, you've got to bring him down." "You like to be in charge, don't you, Angie?" "~ I could crush you with my thighs." "~ Ho ho ho." "~ That's not right, Angela." "~ I know what I'm doing." "~ Karl, will you be a volunteer for me?" "~ Oh, no." "Sorry." "Toilet time." "~ George." "Let's show them how it's done. ~ No, I " "Agh!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Agh!" "Ah!" "(DOOR OPENS BELOW)" "(MUMBLES)" "~ Karl." "~ Huh?" "Hello?" "~ It's me." "~ Who's me?" "~ There's no-one else here." "~ Karl." "Up here." "~ Help me. ~ Why is the ceiling made of your face?" "Get me down." "No, you're not real." "~ This is not real." "~ Of course I'm real." "I'm dirty and hot and real." "Now, get me down." "No, you're in my head." "You are just a Mind Trish!" "For goodness' sake." "Karl!" "Karl!" "Ruddy heck." "There you are." "Look, I need to talk to you about something." "Hello, Natalie, what did you want to talk about?" "I'm thinking of leaving Brownall." "No." "Why?" "Well..." "I... actually quite like you a bit and I think that you like me?" "Yeah, I do, I really do." "I do." "I do like you, a lot." "Good." "But that rule about never dating people at work, that was never mine, that's Trish." "And if I go to Kingstanding, then we could... be together." "I really want that." "Ever since I first met you, I have wanted to kiss you." "Why don't you, then?" "Because I know you're not real." "You are like Floaty Trish." "You're just an hallucination." "You are being really weird." "What is wrong with you?" "~ I have taken Ketamine." "~ What?" "Why?" "~ Have you lost your mind?" "~ It was not on purpose." "Tyler gave it to me in a drink." "Now I'm seeing things." "My hand will go straight through you." "Although you do feel remarkably solid." "Can you feel that?" "Yeah." "You feel that?" "Uh-huh." "I think..." "I think so." "Could we do it again just to make sure?" "Ow." "The threat has been neutralised with the minimum of distress for both parties." "Denise, can I have a quick word?" "~ Have you made up your mind?" "~ Come here." "Just..." "Ugh!" "Janette, please get off me." "My sperms are dying." "So I've given it a lot of thought and... (VOICES BELOW)" "Right, that's it!" "Back off, Denise." "Get your hands off my Natalie." "I hope you're ready for Trish." "Oh, shit." "I could probably start next month." "I think." "Back off, Denise." "Trish, where have you been?" "I have been in the ceiling, thank you very much for asking." "While she has been stealing my staff." "I'm not stealing her." "I'm offering her an opportunity, Trish, my darling." "Two things:" "I am not nor ever will be your darling so stop calling me that;" "and you only want Natalie because she'll do all the work," "~ while you sit on your arse on sick leave. ~ Do not upset me, Trish." "If my IBS flares up, there will be hell to pay." "Now, Natalie, you're coming to Kingstanding, aren't you?" "~ No, you can't go." "I don't want you to go. ~ I do." "I'm sorry, Trish." "I really like working here, but I like Karl too." "Yeah, she just kissed me." "~ Yeah, boy." "~ Ha ha!" "Whoo!" "OK, sod me and my silly rules." "What do I know?" "Natalie, stay, be my deputy manager." "And do whatever the hell you want with Karl." "But, obviously, no French kissing in front of the jobseekers." "In that case, I'm sorry, Denise, but I'm staying at Brownall." "In your face, Denise." "Right." "Kingstanding, get your things, we are leaving." "~ Where do you think you're going?" "~ Kingstanding." "No." "You're coming home with me." "Right." "OK." "Why?" "To find my soft centre." "Ho ho ho!" "I think I'm going to be sick." "Sorry, George, I forgot you were there." "(CRACK)" "Ugh!" "I have been in the ceiling an hour and a half and I need a colossal gin." "Come on, Team Brownall, I'm buying." "Beep!" "Beep!" "You all right George?" "You coming?" "Give me five minutes." "~ (THUD) ~ Ohh!"