"In the last episode of Soap," "Jessica found Chester in a hotel room with another woman, and told him he had better find another place to live." "Jodie found out someone had complained to the welfare department about him." "Dutch found out" "Eunice has been fooling around with another man, and Jessica met Billy's teacher and found her very nice." "Want to find out more?" "Stay tuned for this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap." "[ALL SHOUTING]" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Who is it?" "It's me, Ma." "Who?" "Corinne." "How do I know it's really you?" "Ma, you can hear it's me." "No, you might be Chester, disguising your voice." "Ma, I swear." "I'm not Daddy." "I'm me." "Are you alone?" "Yes, I'm alone." "Please open the door." "I'm holding a tray." "How long are you going to stay locked in your room?" "Until I know he is not in the house." "Why don't you just talk to him?" "I have nothing to say to him." "Well, maybe he does." "I know, and I've heard it all before." "I love eating on trays, don't you?" "I love eating." "Ma, just talk to him." "The only trouble is that no matter how careful you are, there's always crumbs in the bed, even if you're only having soup." "Won't you feel better resolving this one way or the other?" "Uh-oh, look at that." "Mm-mm, crumbs already." "Well, I'll just brush them over on Chester's side." "You see, there are some advantages to sleeping alone." "Of course, that's the only one I can think of." "Ma, you should see him." "He sits in the living room, and every time someone walks by, he grabs their arm and weeps." "It's impossible to get anything done around here." "Maybe if you just talk to him, he'll go away." "Oh, I can't, Corinne." "Not now." "Maybe soon." "Five or 10 years." "All right, let me know if you want anything else, okay?" "All right, darling." "Thank you." "You know, this is the first time" "I've stayed in my room like this since I had the measles." "Good night, darling." "Good night, Ma." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Bye-bye." "[THUMPING]" "Chester, you get out of here." "Jess, please, just listen." "Oh!" "There goes my spleen." "Well, you're lucky that's all that it is." "Jess, please listen." "I'm sick." "I've got a disease." "Well, with the company you keep, I don't wonder." "No, Jess, not that." "Don't you understand?" "I can't help it." "What I do is a sickness." "Oh, really?" "Is that what you call it, a "sickness"?" "And the cure is bed, is it?" "I'll get help, Jess, if you'll just give me another chance." "I'll get help, I swear it." "If I were diabetic, you wouldn't throw me out." "If you were a diabetic, you'd stay away from the cookies." "Jess, I want help." "I swear it." "I hate what I do as much as you." "Oh, I know." "It's a real drag, isn't it?" "All that dressing and undressing." "You won't believe me, will you?" "If I were a fat man who couldn't stop eating, you wouldn't throw me out." "If I couldn't stop drinking, you'd let me stay." "Well, this is no different." "I'm sick, Jess." "I'm a sick man, and I'm in need." "[CRIES]" "Oh, Chester, don't cry." "I'm a sick man, Jess." "I'm sick, and I'm hurting, and I'm scared." "Okay, Chester, okay." "Look, we'll talk." "You'll get help..." "[CALM AND COMPOSED]:" "Thanks, Jess." "But, in the meantime, you'll stay in the guest room." "Guest room?" "Yes, well, look at it this way, Chester." "You have a disease, and I don't want you too near me until you're cured." "[SCREAMS]" "Well." "So you'll keep in touch?" "Yes, I will, Miss Page." "Thanks for coming by." "Because if you don't hire me," "I got a job offer from a couple of chinks down the block with two little brats... so let me know." "You'll be the first one I call." "Nice seeing you, lady." "Fine." "You believe that?" "Apply for a nanny, and Rommel comes over." "It's been like that all day." "She wasn't so bad." "Are you kidding?" "Of all of them, she was the most charming." "Jodie, some of them were very, very nice." "You're just being picky." "I can't help it, Ma." "I'm looking for someone very special, very loving, very unique." "Like who?" "Like you, only I can't find her." "I'm sitting right here." "Oh, come on, Ma, I'm being serious." "And I'm not?" "Mom, you can't run down here every day." "It's an hour's drive." "True... but you could move home." "Ma." "Why not?" "I'd love it." "Burt would love it." "Even Bob has said he's looking forward to..." "Burt and I would really love it." "Ma, it took me 26 years to move out." "Besides, I don't want to tie you down." "Tie me down to what?" "What do I have to do all day?" "Rope cattle, what?" "Ma, you're forgetting how much time a baby demands of you." "But there's me and Burt and Mrs. Burns down the street." "Oh, she'd adore sitting with Wendy a few days a week." "Mrs. Burns." "You mean that sweet little old lady who used to babysit for me?" "Mm-hmm." "Ma, she was 90 back then." "She's 62." "In 1930, she was 62." "Come on, Mare, let's go." "I fixed it." "Fixed what?" "The thing that needed fixing." "What thing?" "Doesn't matter." "You've got to get a new one anyway." "Jodie, those things don't last forever." "What thing?" ""What thing?" again." "Please, Mary, let's go, huh?" "Bla-la-la-la." "Grandpa." "Come on, Mare, let's go." "Burt, talk to Jodie." "Convince him I'm right." "Jodie, please, she's right, huh?" "Your mother is right, huh?" "Listen to her on this, huh?" "She knows what she's talking about." "Just trust her on this one, okay?" "What am I talking about here, please?" "Mom wants me to move back home." "So, come home." "Jodie, come on." "There's plenty of room." "Hey, you could go back to work, and let's face it, if you were living with us, you wouldn't get those crackpots from the Welfare Department, right?" "Well, yeah." "All right." "So?" "I don't know." "Come on, Jode, come home." "Come on." "We could do things together again, like hunting and fishing in the old days." "We never did that." "Now we can." "Just think it over, okay, honey?" "I will, Ma." "I promise." "I admit it does make some sense." "Absolutely, it makes sense." "Come on, Jodie." "Think about it, roll it over in your head, do whatever you want to do." "Bla-la-la-la." "Grandpa." "Come on." "Okay." "Goodbye, honey." "Bye." "Oh, please don't feel pressured by us in any way." "I don't, Ma, really." "Does that mean you're gonna move home?" "Ma!" "Mare." "Okay, okay." "Just remember, if you change your mind..." "I'll call." "Should I write down the number?" "I think I'll remember it." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye, Wendy." "Talk to you later." "If you should call, we should be home in an hour." "Ma!" "Bye." "Wait an hour and a half." "Traffic..." "Bye." "Bye." "Lock this door." "Yeah." "Hey, uh, Mare?" "What, Burt?" "Can I ask you a little question?" "Mm-hmm." "How was I?" "Oh, Burt." "You were wonderful." "I told you that." "You're so silly." "You were wonderful." "Do you say that to all the Burts..." "Burt." "It's nothing, it's just..." "I was just wondering, that's all." "I told you." "It couldn't have been any better, really." "It was the best ever." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "The best ever for me, or for any Burt?" "Burt..." "I'm, just, Mare, I gotta know." "Can't you just forget it?" "Forget it?" "Mare, please." "There was another man in my house... in my bed, in my... pajamas." "There was another man in the house, Mare." "Come on, how do I forget that?" "It wasn't as if" "I fell in love with another man." "It wasn't another man." "It was you." "To you, it was me." "To me, it wasn't me." "To me, it was that hot little silver guy that's..." "So how was he?" "I don't believe this." "I gotta know, Mare." "Come on, just, how was he?" "I refuse to discuss this." "Great, huh?" "Oh, yeah, he was really great?" "What was so great?" "I mean, what did he do that was so great?" "I mean, how many ways are there that someone can be much better than someone else?" "It's not like dancing." "I mean, there's not a whole lot of steps." "So what did he do?" "I mean, some fancy space stuff that we don't have yet?" "Was that it?" "I'm not discussing this, Burt." "It's ridiculous." "Because if it was some kind of science fiction- type sex, Mary," "I cannot compete." "Those guys live forever." "I mean, I'm sure there are a lot of things that they could do forever." "So was that it?" "I mean, could he, you know... forever?" "You know something?" "You're selfish." "You are an incredibly selfish man, Burt Campbell." "Don't change the subject here, Mary." "I know what you're trying to do." "You're just trying to throw me off the track." "No, I'm not." "I went through hell, Burt." "Hell." "The man I thought was you was an animal, a maniac." "I had to keep moving all the time." "If I sat down or, God forbid, lay down, it was all over." "I felt like a fly." "I had to keep going or get it." "And not only that, he was always going after other women." "Family, friends, strangers, anyone." "So while you're all upset over how terrible it was for you, Burt, it was equally terrible for me." "It was not only your ordeal." "It's incredible." "You and I had it terrible." "He had a ball." "I'm sorry, Mare." "Don't you see that it could never be as good with him, because the most important thing was missing?" "It was?" "Yes." "Then how'd he do it?" "No, Burt, not that." "Oh, I..." "Too bad." "Love was missing, Burt... and when that's missing, all the expertise in the world isn't gonna make it any good." "That's why it couldn't come close to being what it is with you." "[KISS]" "[KISS]" "Oh, Mare." "Burt, I love you, I love you." "I love you too, Mare." "[BOTH SIGH]" "Tell me one little thing he did you really liked." "Burt!" "Come on, Mare, just one little thing." "Just..." "Not a big thing, a little thing." "I'll never ask you again." "Well, he would..." "bite my earlobe." "He would bite your earlobe?" "Yes." "That's what you like, earlobe biting?" "Burt..." "Is that what this commotion is about?" "Some little guy comes by, chews on your ear, everybody gets crazy?" "Burt, you said, "one little thing."" "That's one little thing." "[CHUCKLES]" "What was it, like this...?" "Something..." "Burt..." "What did he do with the earring, swallow it?" "Hey, tell me, how's it feel to be 18?" "Pretty much the same." "So far, only one minor artery has hardened." "Corinne, have you seen Eunice?" "Behind you." "Just checking." "What was that?" "Oh, Corinne, he is just driving me crazy." "I roll over in bed at night, and he asks me where I'm going." "Well, I can't blame him, Eunice." "I mean, he practically caught you red-handed in a hotel with another guy." "Eric and I were discussing insurance premiums." "Please, Eunice." "Insurance?" "Really, we had an accident." "He rear-ended me." "I don't think your insurance covers that." "You see that?" "Do you see how he watches me?" "He never takes his eyes off me." "He doesn't trust you, Eunice." "Well, what kind of relationship are we gonna have without trust?" "Relationships are built on trust." "Without trust, you just don't have anything." "I'll be right back." "Where are you going?" "To call Eric." "I've gotta tell him we have to be more careful." "Jess?" "Hi." "Hello." "You look very nice this evening." "Thank you." "Oh, Jess." "The hands!" "No hands, and no talking unless it is absolutely necessary." "Now, this is Billy's birthday, and we don't want anyone to know that there's trouble between us." "Anything you say, Jess." "And when someone comes close, then we put up some kind of a front..." "[BOTH LAUGHING FORCEDLY]" "Oh, Chester, you say the funniest things." "Oh, Jess..." "The hands!" "So, have you thought it over?" "About moving back home?" "Yeah." "And?" "I don't know." "Well, we don't want to pressure you in any way." "No, there's no pressure." "Absolutely no pressure at all, you understand that?" "None." "Come home." "This is killing your mother." "Come home?" "We'll try it." "[GASPS]" "There you go, Jodie." "Oh, Jessie," "I have the most wonderful news." "Jodie's moving back home." "Oh, Mary, I'm so happy for you." "Could Chester have his apartment?" "How are they?" "How are who?" "The hors d'oeuvres." "Oh, well, I haven't tried them yet." "I'm really worried, big guy." "I never made hors d'oeuvres before." "There wasn't much call for them at cellblock eight." "[CHUCKLES]" "I'm sure." "You know, rolling the little bitty dough, and rolling the little bitty meat, that isn't easy when you've got stubby hands." "You see my hands?" "They're stubby." "I see." "I've got stubby hands." "I see them, Dutch, I see them." "That's from hauling garbage and greasing trucks, and fitting sewer pipes." "Here, here, try one." "I think not." "Aw, come on, big guy, just a little taste." "Maybe in a little while." "Take a bite." "No." "Dutch..." "How are they?" "Mm, very good." "Aw, you're just saying that." "What's the matter, darling?" "You seem nervous." "Oh, Ma, everyone is gonna meet Leslie tonight." "It is nerve-wracking." "Last night, I dreamt she eloped with the entire senior class." "Darling, you love Leslie?" "Well, we all love you, so we'll all love Leslie." "What's that for?" "Just for being such a terrific mother." "Aw, thank you." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "That's her!" "She's here!" "Everyone relax." "Oh..." "Happy birthday, Billy." "Thanks." "Hey, 18 big ones, huh?" "Well, he still looks like jailbait to me." "Bob, come on." "So where's your teacher, huh?" "Is she polishing her apples?" "[LAUGHS]" "Bob..." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Good evening." "Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry I'm late." "Oh, are you late?" "I didn't notice." "Everyone, this is Leslie Walker." "Leslie, this is everyone." "Hi, Teach." "You wanna go upstairs and conjugate some verbs?" "Bob." "Hi, I'm Burt." "P.S. 71, class of '46." "Hi." "Leslie Walker." "What's the capital of Arizona?" "Phoenix." "Whoo-hoo!" "You're right." "It's nice to see you." "That's his teacher?" "Yeah, not bad, huh?" "Not bad?" "All my teachers looked like Rocky Marciano." "I might've gone to a class once in a while if I had teachers that looked like her." "I might've gone to a class if mine looked like Rocky Marciano." "Hey." "You know something here?" "It's very ironic." "What?" "Well, they made it illegal for teachers to hit the students, and now..." "Wait a minute." "Hey!" "Now the students hit on the teachers." "It's ironic." "She's adorable." "Didn't I tell you?" "Do you think they're... you know..." "No, absolutely not." "Please, he's a child." "He still plays with his boats." "Billy, I have a little present for you." "Oh, you didn't have to do that." "I quit my job." "That's my present?" "Well, I had applied for a job at the university last semester, and it came through." "So that means..." "Exactly." "Mm-hmm." "What does it mean?" "Well, it means that I'm no longer your teacher." "Mrs. Fairbanks is your teacher now." "See?" "You mean I have to take out Mrs. Fairbanks?" "You're 18." "You're a man." "I'm no longer bound by any legal or moral code." "I can safely give you your present, and tonight," "I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake." "I better start thinking of a wish." "Private... is she bothering you?" "Who, Gramps?" "These camp followers can be a pain." "Gramps, this is Mrs. Walker." "Hello." "Mrs. Biff Walker?" "Blackjack Biff's wife?" "Oh, your husband is one hell of a pilot, Mrs. Walker." "Gramps..." "You've got to be careful, son." "A non-com with an officer's wife can get you 20 years in the brig." "Also, don't bite her shoulder." "She hates that." "Colorful family you have." "Look, I know they seem a little, uh..." "And the Major seems a lot... but don't let it bother you, okay?" "It's not hereditary." "I mean, deep down, we're all strong-willed, clear-minded people." "Oh, I wasn't worried." "Good." "[SCREAMING]" "Eunice!" "So you have to be careful, huh?" "You just stay away from me!" "You asked for it, Eunice." "Wait a minute, what is going..." "[SCREAMS]" "Hey, guys, come on, get a hold of yourself!" "Hey, hey, come on." "Chopped liver never solved anything." "You're right, Burt, thanks." "I should just kill her." "Hey, hey!" "Oh, Jess, take me back." "Take me back, please." "I'll be good." "Don't send me away." "Chester..." "Oh, Jessie, Jessie, Jessie." "Why don't we go?" "Now?" "Yeah, it's time to open my present." "What is with you?" "[ALL SHOUTING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "What will happen with Eunice and Dutch?" "Will she keep fooling around?" "Will he keep throwing food?" "What is Leslie's birthday present to Billy?" "Is it safe to bet it won't come wrapped?" "What will happen to Jessica and Chester now that she won't talk to him?" "Will they write notes?" "Will Burt continue to be jealous of Alien Burt's lovemaking?" "Will Mary miss it?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"