"IJON TICHY" " SPACE PILOT The Star Diaries" "Freely produced by themes from the novel "Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem" "Cruising on Monday, October 3rd... with my stomach still empty I was on my way to the Egg Planet." "I should've done the shortcut." "If I don't do it, it's not any good." "Only I do things right." "You're so modest, Mr. Tichy." "Where should I hang this?" "Here?" "A little higher." " What's that?" "Every doctor, lawyer or cosmic hero needs to display a diploma on the wall." "But not that silly photo." "Holy crap!" "I don't need it." "The whole cosmos knows the name:" "Ijon Tichy." "Of course." "Ijon Tichy, a name people remember." "Ihjon Fishy?" "Holy Crap!" "Got it." "Watch out!" " Sorry." "It might be breakable!" "Tarantoga has finally invented something again." "It's addressed to Mel, c/o Ihjon Fishy." "Mr. Fishy, I'd better hang it up." "What?" "What's that?" "Poor thing!" "Mr. Tichy, isn't that your flashlight?" "Yes, but how's that possible?" "Hello Mel?" "Mr. Fishy?" "Tichy, Ijon Tichy!" "Has my Befast-Fix finally arrived?" " What's this cheap stuff?" "Watch out!" "Don't shake the bottle!" "It can have devastating consequences!" "Don't tell me you shook it?" "Naw, I didn't shake it up." "Is everything ok there?" " Yes, yes." "Mel, it's time for the annual Interstellular Praefectus." "A meeting of top scientists dealing with time travel and fate manipulation." "This Befast-Fix is my newest invention and, Mel, I want you to present it!" "You're not flying down yourself?" "No, I'll leave the fame and glory to you." "Soon everyone will know your name." "What?" " What now?" "You're not far!" "They have a great buffet!" "I really can't make it this time." "What's it gonna be:" "Yes or No?" "SAY NO!" "I'd like to, but..." "Ok, we'll swing by." "Bye-bye." "What's that?" "Not important." "Let's get rid of it." "SAY NO!" "BEFAST-FIX CRONOBUBBLES" "Iths here thomewhere..." "Holy crap..." "Hey, what's that?" " Got it..." "You jackass." " What?" "If you were less pleathed with yourself, you could have figured out my note." "Don't insult me!" "Where did you come from?" "It's usthless!" "I'll do it mysthelf!" "I was familiar with the cosmic effects of duplication..." "I knew that the double was usually a dumb-twit." "You egomanic jackass." "You're gonna ruin the name Ijon Tichy in the whole cosmos." "It was dangerous!" "I have to prevent it." "This is my rocket." "I'm in charge." "Ouch!" "I'd like to know where he came from, though." "Loudmouth can tell us later." "Now's it time for fame and glory." "Freshly ironed pants... are half the battle." "Freshly ironed pants... are half the battle." "My achy head." "Why am I here again?" "You tell me!" "I can't remember." "Out of my bed." " Why me?" "Ith's my bed." "Get lost!" "Tomorrow I have to present my great invention." "I need my sleep." "But I'm supposed to present the great..." " Your great inventhion?" "You're joking." "But ok, then ith's my great inventhion too." "Silly jackass." "Next morning, I thought it was a bad dream." "Until I saw he had stolen... my fresh pants!" "Move over." "I'm presenting my inventhion." "I need to look good." "Hey, thleepyhead." "You can't go in those panths." " What?" "Freshly ironed panths are half the battle." "Forget the pants." "No bottle, no presentation." "I'll do it." "Mr. Tichy, we've no idea how this stuff works!" "With my brains and your help, we'll manage." "These snow Kulups stink the same every year." "Mel, you left-handed klutz!" "Oh, that's Ignor von Rant, the Dean of the Interstellular Praefectus!" "Hello." " Where's Professor Tarantoga?" "I'm Ijon Tichy, I'm representing this Tarantoga guy." "Who?" "Iljon Flushy?" "Tarantoga, that old sissy's scared to leave the house." "Arm gone, genius gone." "These are last year's exhibits." "The winners!" "I was a little surprised:" "Tarantoga, that dumb-twit, won every year." "What's this?" "This here is the Planet Brake!" "Planet Brake?" "The break is my invention!" "And this is the bill for infinite sums of money." "I came up with the sideways eight." "And here un-lightable matches for kids." "For safety reasons." "You were here every year." "But only Tarantoga's on the photos." "Oh no, I'm there on every photo." "Tarantoga is just blocking me a bit." "I'm particularly proud of this..." "My latest invention..." "Now I will turn on the time loop." "It goes back and forth in time." "For this I obviously deserve first prize today..." "Boring..." "I want to go to the buffet." "Mr. Tichy?" "Mr. Tichy!" "We need to find our stand, we're up soon." "Ladies, Gents, Extraterrestrials, I'd like to demonstrate my Mopedonator." "I need someone to volunteer..." "What did this dumb-twit think would happen when they saw us both?" "...an object which I can shoot into the past." "Don't worry, it's safe." "No broken window." "I don'th believe thath." "This I'd like to see..." "So kind of you." "Now I'll take the flashlight from..." "Tiffy, Ijon Tiffy." "...from Mr. Tiffy and shoot it into the past." "Watch out!" "This flashlight is really in the past?" "Precisely." " Astonishing." "He wins!" "Why do you need a machine that goesth into the past... if it does'nth come back?" " What?" "Thilly crap!" " Frankly, I thought of that too." "Third place!" "It's called "time travel" and not "back-and-forth-travel"..." "Why are we even listening to this loser!" "What's your name again?" "Iljon Flutschy?" "Ijon Tiffy." "This Modeponator here, it works." "Do you remember?" "The flashlight... it flew through our windshield yesterday!" "That's right." "This toothless loudmouth has no idea..." "Hey, what?" "It's my moment here not yours." "But that fat worm wrote down my name." "Your name is my name, which you are dragging through the mud!" "At least give me a bite of that..." " Get your own thsandwitch, freeloader!" "It's our turn." "I'm going." "Mr. Chippy, please start." "I still didn't know how it worked... so I had to improvise." "Good-day, I'm Ijon Tichy... and I'll show you a breakthrough in time travel..." "Boring!" "With this liquid fluid you can blow a bubble... that "is completely outside of a cosmetic"..." "No... "cosmic time flow process"." "That way you can travel in the bubble... for "any amount of time into the future"." "Yes, into the future." "Shake once for one minute." "Twice for one hour." "Three times for one day." "And so on." " Yeah, right!" "I will now shake this twice." "Now, I'll send someone into the future for one hour." "Yes, exactly." " Mel, off you go!" "What?" " There you go." "Wow!" "I saw everything outside the bubble accelerated." "For me it was just a second!" "This is the proof." "And it goes on infinitely, if you shake it up a lot." "This made me think of the Halucinette in the bubble." "I knew that I had really shaken up the bottle." "Poor Hallucinette... the package..." "Mr. Ilija Tiffy, how do you get back into the past... if you are sent to the future?" "You said yourself... one direction was not enough!" "Ok." "Boring, let's leave." "Mr. Rant, perhaps we could discus my score again..." "What?" "You losther, you're ruining my moment of fame and glory." "I'm fed up, now give me that sandwich." "Hey, I have an idea!" "We just need to combine Tarantoga's Future Befast-Fix... with the Mopedonator, which sends things, like the flashlight, into the past." "Then we'd have a gadget that works in both directions." "A time machine!" "Do you think it'll work?" "We could sneak in at night... and swipe the parts from the others..." "Did you take those parts without asking?" "You dirty-dog-of-a-thief." " No, you're the dirty-dog-of-a-sthief!" "They'll notice we stole all this." "But when they see we've made a real time machine, they'll be so impressed." "What are you hiding?" "Nothing!" "You wanna stop me from controlling the time travel machine later." "What you are talking about?" "Do you think I'm as dumb as a doornail!" "Just a few more adjustments." "Look at that." "Ith's an important part for the chroncycle." "How did it get there?" " You threw it there." "I saw you." "You're as dim as a lighths out." "Look what you did to her." "Mr. Tichy, it's done!" "Isn't it wonderful?" "Whath's this?" "It'll never work." "Dumb-twit." "Hello, dumb-twit!" "Mr. Tichy, to the right!" "Mr. Tichy!" "This photo has a good chance of landing on the Wall of Fame!" "Sure, I had a great invention." "Higher, so we can read it!" "Mr. Slobby, you can't take a photo... without doing a presentation first." "Please start." "This... is a real chroncycle time travel machine." "Good morning Mr. Tushy, Fishy or whatever!" "How did the presentation go?" "Did you mention my name often enough?" "What?" "It's freezing out here, you idiot." "That's a real time machine invented by me:" "Ijon Tichy." "You thief, that's a part from my Mopedonator!" "It's been missing since last evening." " Yeah, a part of my swivel chair." "What's his name again?" "Ijon Tichy." "I'll remember that." "Ballpoint pen attack!" "I was trapped!" "If I couldn't break through a door..." "I had to break through time!" "I had the machine for it!" "You imposthor!" "You stole my fame and glory." "You want fame and glory?" "Be my guest, it's yours!" "It worked." "My inventhion." "Ijon Tichy." "Get him!" "Hello?" "It really worked!" "A time travel machine." "But I didn't know the time I was traveling to." "When I noticed what time I had landed in..." "I was shocked." "Holy crap." "I had changed roles." "You're not flying down yourself?" "No, I'll leave the fame and glory to you." "Soon everyone will know your name." "I was worried this would shame the name Ijon Tichy." "I had to stop it." "I would send a secret message to myself." "SAY NO!" "So, what's it gonna be:" "Yes or No?" "INVENTOR OF THE TIMEMACHINE" "Ok, we'll... swing by." "The photo, how stupid of me!" "Now I had a problem." "I was in a time loop... without noticing it." "What?" " I have to do it all mysthelf!" "I have to prevent it." "Now it's time for fame and glory!" "SAY NO!" "Let's get rid of it." "1020 years later" "Naw, I didn't shake it up!" "Mr. Fishy?" "It's not far." "What's it gonna be:" "Yes or No?" "Say no, Tichy!" "Don't call me Tichy." "It's Mr. Tichy to you!" "Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?" "I'm the boss." "I demand respect." "Respect?" "It's pointless." "If you only knew what I know." "I think, you need a few lessons... in modesty." "Stop laughing." "Later, people said I made the whole thing up." "Nasty people said... that I secretly drank too much alcohol on earth... but lost all inhibitions on long space voyages..." "Impossible." " The photo?" "I found it under the control panel." "This photo can't exist!" "You're just jealous." "God knows how this rumor got started." "People are like that." "They'd rather believe a bunch of silly crap than perfectly good facts." "I'm on the photo."