"Sara Luger." "Mark Spaznik Maznik." "Twill Ongenbone." "It's just you?" "!" "Where is everybody?" "!" "They said they wanted to come, but they couldn't because... they didn't want to come." "Where were you?" "!" "This was a really big deal for me." "I got a Master's in Archeology from Georgetown!" "You didn't even go to school there." "Yeah, you transferred all your credits from a fake school in Nairobi where you're also the dean... and his arch nemesis, fraternity prankster, Machmud Thikbooti." "So?" "So you don't really have a degree in archeology." "You're a fraud." "How can you say that to someone the world has recognized in so many ways?" "!" "I have an Oscar!" "That's Cuba Gooding's Oscar." "You just bought it on eBay." "Nuh-uh." "I bought it, and left feedback." "Not enough people do." "What Stan's saying is that... an Oscar, like a degree... is an achievement people work really hard for." "Mr. Gooding was awarded that for his excellence in acting." "Sure, he made some bad choices after the film Show Me the Money... but that Oscar is his and not yours!" "And nothing you do in your miserable life will ever come close to what he did!" "I heard shouting." "Is everything Okay?" "There!" "Are you happy now?" "!" "Did you have to be so hard on him?" "He was pretending to be the recipient of the highest honor awarded in the world of acting." " I know, but it's just" " It's just what, Francine?" "!" "He was making out like he won an Oscar." "You're right." "It's an Oscar, for God's sake." "Why doesn't anyone like my awards?" "Well, sweetheart, because you didn't earn them." "Like this one." "You're supposed to get this for being good at bowling." "Are you good at bowling?" "Bowling's gross." "So this is just a hunk of plastic." "All this stuff is." "I'm sorry, Roger, but you're taking praise for things you haven't earned." "But I-I could earn things." "I-I could work hard if I wanted." "I know." "You've got great stuff in there." "You just have to apply yourself." "You believe in me!" "Oh, my God!" "You can do that?" "!" "Yeah, when I'm really happy." "Ew!" "Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee." " Hey, Dad." " Hmm." "So, Dad, Mr. Brink gave us an assignment." "We're supposed to interview our dads." "I-i-it's supposed to show us that history can come from anywhere." "What?" "I-I'm just supposed to ask some background questions, you know, huh... a-about your life, like... where were you born?" "That's getting awfully personal." "What?" "!" "But-but how am I gonna do my assignment?" "Maybe you don't do this one." "It's high school, Steve." "It doesn't matter." "You said that about middle school." "When's it start to matter?" " Never." " Never." "Check it out, guys." "I'm training for the Langley Falls marathon." "Whoa, that's a big deal, running a marathon." "You're not running any marathon." "Am, too!" "Francine explained how when you work for something, it's more valuable." "If I finish this marathon, I earn a medal." "You're a fatso, and you couldn't run 4 blocks." " Stan." " What?" "!" "It's true." "His legs are shorter than his feet!" "Ugh." "Roger, don't listen to him." "Let your actions speak for themselves." "Like when you get drunk tonight and eat all the fruit leather which you claim to hate." "I do hate it!" "Where is it?" "Not for you." "You're in training." "And I'm gonna help you." "I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up." "I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot 5 years ago and never came back." "Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face." "Maybe you should try calling your dad." "I guess it's worth a shot." "Hello?" "Hey, Dad." "Wha-what you up to?" "Eating lunch." "I just needed a break from work, you know?" "Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill." "God." "The first 5, 10 times you take a life, it's eerie." "You remember every detail." "I can see all their faces." "One had a beard." "Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen." "'Course eventually, I stopped caring." "Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring out how much KFC to pick up on my way home." "It's usually no more than a bucket." "The sick part is, I've come to love it... snuffing out lives." "I crave it." "I feel like an angel of death." "The Messenger of Eternal Darkness." "A merciless demon with an unquenchable to" "Oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet." "Got to run." "Remember, the goal is to finish." "Ha!" "I'm gonna win this thing!" "Everybody looks so slow!" "On your marks." "Get set." "Oh, my God!" "Are you Okay?" "I turned my ankle... but I can run it off." " Aah!" " Roger, stop!" "You're hurt!" "Why'd this happen to me?" "!" "I actually tried this time!" "Oh, honey." "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" "You know, I was gonna give you this after the race, but... here." "What's this for?" "You won a Franny!" "It's because you worked really hard... and that's all that matters." "Wow." "I love it." "Hey, could you pull over for a sec?" "I did it!" "Oh, my God, what a gorgeous trophy!" "And flowers?" "!" "Wait, I can't hold everything." "I'm gonna have my friend hold my cone." "You did it!" "Yay!" "We love you, Roger!" "Your butt looks so great in those shorts!" "I could never get away with those, not since the baby!" "You didn't win the marathon." "Are you sure?" "'Cause everyone else thinks I did." "*" "What do you think?" "I think my trophy is a cooz magnet, and this photo won't scare off any wang, either." "I don't know why you did this." "You worked so hard to get ready." "I mean, you weren't gonna win, but you would've finished." "That would have been a real achievement." "Actually, I wouldn't've finished." "You see, I never went running after breakfast." "What?" "Then what were you doing?" "Well, I'd start with one of Francine's gigantic breakfasts." "And then I'd leave the house and jog to the corner." "There, I'd have a cigarette... 2 if I ran into that looker Rhonda with the natural low hangers ." "Then I'd head down the street to where that house is getting a second floor... pop into 1 of the Porta Potties for the constructions workers... and try to pass my enormous breakfast." "That was always a struggle." "Ha, my... my only real exercise of the day." "And I'd usually fall asleep on the pot." "Those crappers heat up big time in the sun... so when I woke up a couple hours later, I'd be drenched in sweat." "Half the time, I pooed in my sleep." "I can't believe I wasted all that effort on you for nothing." "Well, I did win the marathon, so" "You didn't win the marathon!" "You keep saying that." "But my new Mazda Miata says otherwise." "Oh!" "So sleek." "Roger..." "I'm done with you." "No more praise, no more support." "You don't deserve it!" "In fact, I'm taking back my Franny." "Haw." "How could you--?" "Wha--?" "I worked for that!" "No, you didn't." "But I want it!" "What are you gonna do with it?" "!" "I don't know." "Maybe I'll give it to Steve." "Steve?" "!" "You hate Steve." "You always say you hate him." "I never said that." "Then why is it tattooed on your butt?" "!" "Oh, that's ridiculous!" "He's just lashing out because I took his Franny back." "Nope, it's right here on her butt." "I... hate..." "Steve." "Ha-ha." "He-he's just joshing, right, Ma?" "Ugh!" "Look!" "There's nothing there!" "Oh, God, Mom!" "Ha-ha, you BA'd your son!" "Uh... the bus is here?" "Get out of here, Snot!" "Franny, let's go." "I need you to take a picture of me and the Miata for my trophy case." "I told you I was done, Roger." "Oh, we're really doing this, huh?" "Fine!" "I don't need you in my life!" "I don't need Francine or her stupid award." "I'll take my own celebratory picture." "Ugh!" "Oh, what the--!" "Hey." "Knock, knock." "Here's the guy who maybe needs his friend more than he admitted." "What happened to you?" "A guy punched me in my face." "But that probably makes you happy... because you hate me so much." "I don't hate you." "I'm just... done investing my time in you." "I'm done being the sucker, Roger." "You're lazy and a cheat, and I'm done." "No, I need you!" "I'm-I'm sorry." "Look, I-I won't be lazy." "I'll do something real." "I promise!" "Your word is as worthless as your diploma." "Is that what this is about?" "The diploma?" "Well, what if I go earn it?" "What if I become the best damn archaeologist this town's ever seen?" "!" "Then you'll have to give me my Franny back!" "Sounds great, Roger." "Knock yourself out." "You'll see!" "Hey, is that my underwear in there?" "I told you never to wash my underwear!" "Great, now I got to start all over again!" "I can't turn this in." "It's all about my dad killing people!" "Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else." "Hello?" "He-hey, Dad." "Son, glad you called." "I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom." "What?" "Why?" "Yeah." "I feel our lovemaking has lost all its intimacy." "We're not attuned to each other's love energies." " We're just slamming away" " Dad!" "I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone." "Hey, guys." "Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it." "And why not?" "Sex with your mom feels great." "It's easy to think maybe that is love." "And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on." "I pull her hair, choke her lightly... or not so lightly" "Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?" "The focus becomes how hot she gets... how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure" "All right, this is enough." "Dad, what do Mom's boobs look like?" "I'll tell you, Snot." "They're perfect." "Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in." "It's 5:00 in the morning." "What are you doing?" "Why, I'm getting ready to go to the dig site." "Come on, Roger, what are you really doing?" "Well... why don't I show you?" "2 millions years ago, a glacier cut through this valley." "The river used to flow east to west." "That's why I knew we had to start south... where an ancient tribe would have a fresh water source." "How do you know all this?" "Well, hell, Francine..." "I'm an archaeologist." "Why do you keep leaning in when I say stuff?" "Roger!" "This is... amazing!" "Yeah, well, not so amazing." "We haven't turned up anything yet." "You... y-you did all this?" "Well, me and Jabari." "Jabari, show Francine how you wear your shirt sometimes." "That's how he wears it sometimes." "Hello." "What do we have here?" "What is it?" "If this is what I think it is, I should be able to do this." "Wow, Roger, you really found something" "Wah--!" "Look out, boss!" "Oh, my God!" "Roger!" "I think you've found a lost tribe!" "Blonde Hair." "Hmm, they're speaking Sadrawkcab... the language of an indigenous tribe that lived in these mountains thousands of years ago." "Roger, all your hard work has paid off!" "You've made 1 of the greatest discoveries of all time!" "Let's party!" "Let's party!" "Looks like they want to welcome us with a traditional celebration." "I am so proud of you." "You finally did something real!" "Well, she bought it." "Hey, don't break character." "Hey, I saw you on CSI last week." " Oh, yeah?" " You ruined the episode." "I can't believe you discovered a lost tribe." "You know, before you brought me here I thought all this archaeology stuff was just another one of your scams." "I was ready to write you off for good." "Well, the good thing you're gonna give me my Franny back instead, huh?" "Well, I should say so." "Hey, looks like something's about to happen." "I think he wants us to join them." "No, I'm pretty sure they only want me down there." "Oh, boy, I hope I don't embarrass myself." "Who knows if I can even keep up?" "2, 3, 4!" "Sit down, Franny." "This isn't about you." "Big finish, guys." "Bring it home!" "Host this, Doogie Howser!" "All right, whew." "Ha, let's head home." "What?" "No!" "We need to stay and study these people." "This is all so fascinating." "Oh, ***." "And that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral and why I won't go to my dad's funeral." "Steve, you're up." "Yeah." "Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions." "Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve." "You know what I think?" "I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment." "Oh, is that what you think?" "Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go." " Hello?" " Hey, Dad." "I'm calling from my history class." "So, who was president when you were a kid?" "Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently." "And why not?" "What's so great about living?" "You know when I'm happy?" "For about 5 seconds in the morning when I first wake up... before I remember who I am and what my life is all about." "Anxiety... disappointment... diarrhea more often than not." "I don't..." "I don't know if there's an afterlife... but who cares?" "Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days." "See, Mr. Brink?" "Mr. Brink?" "He's right." "It's pointless." "Life... dismissed." "This was supposed to last 3 hours." "We only rehearsed the dance number and the feast." "We're out of material." "Hey, you guys all had improv on your resumes." "Is this your drinking water?" "Um... goo-goo gah-gah?" "Look... people want to go home." "They have families." "I know Hannah's son has a fever." "I-it's bad." "He's throwing up right now at home with a 14-year-old babysitter." "Aw, geez, Hannah, wh--?" "Why, uh, why don't you just leave?" "Because I drove with Gary." "So Gary can go, too." "Screw it, take Gary." "Gary doesn't want to leave." "I-I don't know what to tell you, Hannah." "All right, all right, how about this?" "I'll do something that makes the tribe mad, and you guys chase us out of here." "Staying was a really cool idea, Francine." "I've learned so much." "Like, for instance, they're a Tchotchke-based culture." "They think these things hold the spirits of their ancestors." "Oh, God!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, if this thing breaks, there's gonna be trouble." "Get them!" "Run!" "Shoot." "Must've taken a wrong turn." "Um..." "Um... this way!" "We're gonna make it!" "No!" "No way." " Oh, my God!" " Oh, no!" "What's going on?" "We're actors!" "You just killed Cuba Gooding Jr." "Show me... the heaven." "Aah." "Roger, what the hell is going on?" "!" "Ugh." "Fine." "I staged everything, Okay?" "!" "This isn't a tribe." "These are all actors and actresses." "Actually, we prefer to be called "actors" now... as well." "Shut up, Hannah!" "So this was all a setup?" "But... how?" "How did you do all this?" "Well, it started with the casting." "Ryan Creamwell." "I'm with Preferred Artists." "Take off your shirt and throw it to me." "It's disgusting." "You got the part." "Then it was on to the choreography." "No, no, no, no!" "Eyes on me!" "1 and 2 and kick and tush and kick and bush and finger, finger, finger, finger, finger." "And then I had to find my young boy assistant." "But why did you do all this?" "Because I wanted my Franny back!" "So... what I think means that much to you?" "Yeah, but now you just think I'm a big, lazy faker again." "Lazy?" "Roger, I've never seen anyone work so hard on anything in my entire life." "You mean..." "I impressed you?" "And how!" "I wish Stan was here to see this." "Hey, where's my Oscar?" "This belongs to you." "1 last time, CGJ." "Show me the money." "Ha-ha-ha." "Ow." "You will be missed."