"DANIEL:" "Previously on Ugly Betty... (GUN firing ) I was at your father's funeral." "I'll bet you're just like him." "No. I'm not." "Partial retrograde amnesia?" "She doesn't even remember becoming a woman." "I wanted you to know that I talked to Charlie and she admitted everything." "Who's the father?" "We're going to do a paternity test." "I am freakin' Fey Sommers' daughter!" "You are not an orphan." "I need to find my father." "l'm going to enroll in a writing class." "Great." "I'm going to be a writer." "Anybody here?" "BETTY:" "Dad?" "We missed you." ""Her lips were cold." ""l could never tell her that I'd loved her all along." ""She left for Dusseldorf that morning" ""with my heart in her backpack."" "(SNlFFLlNG )" "Applause?" "Really?" "Why don't you tell the class what you liked so much about this piece?" "Well, it was sweet." "And I really felt his pain." "Here's what I felt." "(scraping )" "This class is called "Finding Your Voice."" "It's for serious writers, not emotionally stunted dilettantes." "I expect you people to dig deeper." "Open those old wounds." "And if there are no old wounds, well, as I always say, if you have nothing to write, try killing yourself." "If you fail, you'll have something to write about." "If you succeed, your troubles will be over." "Next week, a thousand words on your most defining moment." "And you, Clappy." "I'll be very interested in what you have to say." "He called you Clappy?" "Yes." "He's mean." "Like Simon Cowell, but with a Pulitzer." "And I can't just be Jordin Sparks good." "I have to be Kelly Clarkson Miss Independent good." "I don't know any of those people, but I read your story and it was an A-plus." "Dad, you like everything I do." "When I was 1 0, you told me I could be a model." "You could be a model!" "A guy in a car once told me I could be a model." "I know, Hilda, I stopped you from getting in that car." "Oh, yeah." "This class is phase one of my career." "I write, I get published, I work my way to editor and then I can run a magazine." "And then you really will need a model." "See, I should've got in that car." "It's not a joke, Hilda." "If I can't even get through this class, then my whole career is out the window." "Sweetheart, you had straight As in high school." "You graduated top of your class at Queens College." "Yeah, but that's not the real world." "Which is why I sent my story to Daniel." "He does this for a living." "He'll know if it's good." "Or if I'm going to get voted off." "Hey, kiddo." "That jacket's kind of big." "It was Dad's. lt's badass." "(BURPS )" "So, Justin, how was your math test?" "Kinda flunked it." "Whatevs." "It's only the first test of the year." "It doesn't matter." "Actually, no, they all matter equally." "They average them." "Oh, come on." "When was the last time you ever used algebra?" "Why do you defend him?" "He's never gotten an F before." "Not even in gym." "Which he calls "The Unhappy Hour."" "He will make up the test or something." "It's no big deal." "This whole woman thing is hard." "It took me an hour and a half to do this makeup." "I used everything I had." "You're supposed to, right?" "I think you could probably save some for tomorrow." "I knew it was too much." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Oops." "Sorry." "Still not used to heels." "I need more practice." "Maybe I should've stayed home." "Come on." "The doctor said the best thing for your memory is familiar surroundings." "I know you don't remember the last two years, but I know you remember being Alex." "He was a fantastic editor." "But in fashion, two years is a lifetime." "Plus, now I'm the new guy." "I mean, chick." "Do chicks say "chick"?" "And why is everyone staring at my chest?" "I don't know, you might want to button another button." "Maybe try a bra." "Boobs. lt's crazy." "They're everywhere." "(GASPS )" "Oh, honey, no, no, no." "Ladies room, now." "Friends don't let friends wear glitter before noon." "(HIP HOP MUSIC PLA YIN G)" "Yeah." "Yeah." "This is phat." "What'd I tell you?" "And as soon as this baby drops I'm gonna bust out of accounting, man." "I'm gonna be chillin' under Rihanna's umbrella." "Oh, super phat." "Here you go." "Uh-oh." "Lady parts, twelve o'clock." "I don't know how you do it, man." "You got this piece stalking you, you got a baby momma back home." "You gotta teach me, young Skywalker." "Come on!" "Obi-Wan's the..." "Never mind." "Just get out of here." "Hey, Henry." "Kenny." "Betty. I was gonna give you two some space here." "So, I was wondering..." "KENNY:" "Save it, B-Money." "Charlie hasn't heard back yet about the paternity test." "Dude!" "What?" "Sound does not stop right here, man." "Would you just..." "Actually, I'm not here to talk about us." "For a change." "lt's Justin." "He's failing algebra." "What?" "So, I was thinking, since you're, like, a math genius," "maybe you could tutor him?" "Sure." "Definitely." "He needs his algebra." "I mean, we use it every day." "Great." "Okay." "Thank you." "So, I guess I'll see you later." "Yeah." "Okay." "Forget something?" "Bye, Kenny." "I'm just looking for some shoes." "Ah..." "Mandy, you can't just leave the reception desk empty." "Oh, my God, are you making out with that dog again?" "Halston and I needed a little me time." "Searching for our real father is exhausting." "Can I spoon, too?" "So I'm guessing no luck finding Daddy?" "Nada. I've googled Fey, I've searched this stupid room, I read her diary. lt's useless!" "So Fey never mentioned any men?" "Not a word." "(EX claims )" "Maybe we need to find some pictures." "Every month the back page of Mode was filled with pictures of Fey at different parties." "Go find some old issues, and see who Fey was socializing with the year of your birth." "Wait, what year were you born?" "1 991 ." "You're sixteen?" "1 992." "Other way." "Now I'm moving up the British Nu Rave piece." "I want a rewrite on the "Five Ways to Fake lt."" "And, Philip, the trash can is going to enjoy your snooze-inducing profile on Sienna Miller." "Look who's back, everyone." "Ah, Alexis!" "So good to see you, darling." "You look fabulous." "I'm not wearing a bra." "Power move." "I thought we could bring Alexis up to speed on the January issue." "I just want to thank everyone in advance for helping me cope with my disability." "Just bear with me." "Well, the January issue is our Ready-to-Wear issue." "Our chief advertiser is Atlantic Attire and we will be featuring the spring collection." "Sorry to interrupt, Wilhelmina, do you mind scooting down?" "You know, since..." "Of course." "You are the co-editors." "You know, you should get used to not having me around." "As we all know, in a few weeks, I will be leaving Mode to help run Meade Publications, and the Meade family." "So, Sheila, future Creative Director, why don't you just take it away?" "Toodles." "What a pleasant surprise." "This isn't about the wedding, is it?" "No. I came up to talk to you about my new position at the company." "Now I'm thinking, after the wedding..." "Now, what's with that look?" "Well, I'm just a bit surprised, that's all." "I didn't think you'd be coming in that often." "Claire always spent her days..." "Drinking and murdering Fey?" "Well, your ex-wife and I are very different women." "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a career gal." "You know I like to be hands-on." "And that's what I love about you." "Uh-uh." "Business first." "Well, as co-chair of Meade, you can have creative control of any magazine you like." "Apart from..." "Mode?" "I know." "Claire's made that impossible." "There are 22 other publications in this building." "Well, perhaps I should familiarize myself with them." "Absolutely." "Talk to the editors." "They're the people you're going to be spending your time with." "Now, in the meantime, there is something over here that you could be a little more hands-on with." "sheila:" "And that's our travel feature for this month." "Great." "So who's the cover?" "Well, actually, we might have lost Winona Ryder to a movie." "Not sure whether she's making one or just going to see one." "I have an idea." "Great, Alexis!" "Let's hear it!" "Well, when I was at Hudson, everyone was doing Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt..." "We did Bill Murray right before Rushmore." "This is a great opportunity for a comeback." "You know, readers love the underdog." "Listen and learn, people." "She's big, she's sexy, she's outrageous." "Anna Nicole Smith." "Bam!" "Hey, there you are." "daniel:" "Are you crying?" "(crying ) I'm a girl, I'm allowed to now." "I made a fool of myself in there." "You know what?" "Maybe we are rushing this thing." "Why don't you take tomorrow off?" "But we have that photo shoot." "And the meeting with Atlantic Attire." "And..." "Something else, I forget." "Damn it, I forget everything!" "Hey, hey." "Come on." "You're gonna be fine." "You need to trust your instincts." "You are doing everything right." "Oh, and by the way, you're in the men's room." "Daniel, I called Luke Carnes at Atlantic Attire, told him you'll be attending the meeting without Alexis." "Here's his bio and all his previous advertising layouts." "Also, your personal trainer got moved to 2:00." "And you do know when I say "personal trainer,"" "that's code for "pedicure."" "I know, Betty. I invented the codes." "Oh, and one more thing." "I need you to read these Female Empowerment articles." "Let me know what you think." "I heard the bear one's pretty good." "I would do it, but I have my book club." "And when you say "book club," that's code for "hot date"?" "Really, Betty?" "I mean, what's the point in having codes?" "So, I have plans tonight, too." "Going to my writing class." "Really?" "Great." "(ELEVATOR BELL dings )" "Have fun." "I will." "You know, reading my essay?" "Out loud for everyone." "Cool." "(BELL dings ) I'm such an idiot." "Your essay, of course." "It's great work." "Gave you a gold star." "I really loved it!" "He hated it." "But I thought he said it was great." "What's the problem?" "Well, he did, but he gave me that fake smile and the thumbs-up." "He always does that when he's lying." "Hey, call me later." "Oh, definitely." "MAN:" "Did you read the Quarterly Competitive Analysis?" "Riveting." "Ready, slave?" "Oh, yeah." "But, I mean, this is Daniel." "He's not exactly the arbiter of great literature, is he?" "Let's face it, the only reason he's here is because of his dad." "Well, maybe it started that way, but he's proven himself." "Daniel is very smart." "In a high-five kind of way." "And he's the first person who ever believed in me." "So, if Daniel thinks I suck, then..." "Oh, sweetheart. I'm sure your story is lovely." "What's it about again?" "I wrote about staying home on prom night." "Oh, well, that sounds really sweet." "No, the professor wants grim and tortured." "Damn it." "Why do I have to be so sweet?" "BO Y: "l saw the sun rise over the valley for the first time in 1 0 years," ""and I knew I was home."" "The end." "Yes, Jeremy, it is the end." "The end of literature." "God, if only I hadn't blown that Pulitzer money at the Indian casino." "Let the torture continue." "You're up, Crappy." "Actually, it's "Clappy."" "I hope your thoughts are better organized than your bag." "All right." "There aren't enough hours in the day." "When I saw my blood dripping off the bear's teeth..." "What..." "You stop now?" "For the first time today I wasn't bored." "Read." "Read!" "Start with the title." ""Girl Gone Wild:" "How I Survived A Bear Attack."" "By Betty Suarez." "So if the hemlines in fall 2001 were six inches below the knee, and the hemlines in fall 2006 were two inches above the knee, what will the hemlines be in 201 2 given the current rate?" "Who cares?" "Oh." "I thought you liked all this fashion stuff." "Let's find something else." "What are you into these days?" "Not algebra." "Okay." "Well, good work today." "See you tomorrow!" "Wow." "So, Mr. Suarez." "Will Betty be home soon?" "You're here for Justin." "Let's keep it about that." "Sure." ""And as I write this, pregnant with my first child," ""l realize I survived for a reason."" "BO Y 1 :" "Excellent." "BO Y 2:" "Great work." "That was exactly what I've been looking for." "Why can't the rest of you get attacked by a bear?" "Your assignment for this week is to live dangerously." "Stop a knife fight." "Take a bone from a pit bull." "Now!" "Suarez!" "Nice work." "Worth almost having your ear torn off." "Just out of perverse curiosity..." "May I see it?" "No!" "I'm very self-conscious." "l thought it was your right ear." "lt is!" "When the bear was done with this one, he started nibbling on that one." "Stupid bear." "Stupid class." "POQUlTO:" "You lying bitch." "Poquito?" "is that you?" "Yeah, that's right." "The bear's talking." "You didn't write that story." "You stole it!" "I didn't mean to. lt was a mistake." "Betty Suarez is a cheater." "They laugh at me every day at Mode." "I didn't want them laughing at me in class, too, Poquito." "Wanna know what a bear attack really feels like, Betty?" "(GROWLlNG )" "Poquito!" "No!" "(breathing heavily)" "WlLHELMlNA:" "Oh, Marcie!" "Yes, William?" "Fix your makeup, doll." "We're heading up to the executive suite, where every magazine in the Meade empire is coming to kiss the ring of the new co-chair." "Adventure Time is extreme." "Extremely extreme." "It's base jumping off the Space Needle." "It's surfing a tsunami." "It's basically anything that breaks bones or cracks teeth." "Our readers won't be satisfied until they've slammed into..." "A chocolate souffle, drizzled with a raspberry coulis." "And February's issue is devoted entirely to creme fraiche!" "Because we here at Cucina believe that creme fraiche belongs on..." "Boobs." "That's what our 30-something straight male demo wants to see." "You're a talented lady." "You could do this in your sleep." "Slap a hottie on the cover, throw in some articles on fast cars, video games and guns." "And pop!" "You're money." "Oh, the smell of Prada." "There's no place like home!" "This isn't our home anymore, Marc." "We have no home." "I'm going to be stuck upstairs in that executive suite dealing with those commoners." "Willie, I think we may have made a terrible mistake." "I know." "All I wanted to do was run a fashion magazine." "I was a simple girl with an evil plan." "Fashion is our passion." "But Meade only has one fashion magazine, and it will never be mine." "Oh!" "We're doomed." "Doomed!" "Off the floor, Marc." "No, your instincts were right." "Fall again." "Doomed!" "daniel:" "I heard you're a cheater." "What?" "I said, I'm out of sweetener." "Can you grab me some downstairs?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Hey, what's your bunny doing in the... (PHONE rings )" "Daniel Meade's office." "This is Professor Barrett." "is this Betty Suarez?" "No." "Yes." "You come see me at 2:00." "We need to discuss your essay." "So, Luke, I'll talk to our advertisers, but I can pretty much promise" "Atlantic Attire 1 0 pages in our January issue at a cut rate." "Good to be in business with you, Danny Boy." "And I like your style, too." "Just one thing I need you to help me out with, though, before I sign a big, fat check." "Anything." "Hit me." "lt's about your sister." "I didn't realize she would be coming back to work after the accident and all." "Yeah, she really pulled through." "I mean, we're excited to have her back." "Yeah, see, that's the problem." "Atlantic Attire is innocent." "I'm not sure we want to be associated with a magazine run by a cross-dresser." "Are you kidding with this?" "Oh, come on, don't be all, "he's a hater."" "I am the most tolerant man in town." "I got a black and a Jew assistant." "All right?" "And the gays?" "Couldn't have an Oscar party without them." "But I am a businessman." "I got a company I'm trying to brand, I got a hundred stores I'm opening next month." "I can't afford to be associated with the whole he-she element." "Are you asking me to fire my own sister to get your account?" "Dude, it sucks, I get it." "I had to give up the... (snorting )" "You know what I'm saying?" "But these, my brother, are the sacrifices we gotta make for the bottom line." "You think about it, and you get back to me." "Miss Suarez." "Professor Barrett, I can explain." "It's very rare to find someone who can be so honest about their experiences." "This class is all about finding your voice, and, well, consider yours found." "It is?" "Your story moved me so much, I just couldn't bear to keep it to myself." "And that was not a pun. I never pun." "So, what are you saying?" "I sent it to a colleague, an editor at The New York Review." "He'd like to see you." "Today." "(stammering ) Well..." "But I..." "You really do save it for the page, don't you?" "(WHlMPERlNG ) I know you told me not to come in today, but after spending the day playing with makeup, I think I finally got it right." "So I came in to show it off." "How'd the meeting with the advertiser go?" "Yeah, great!" "Don't give me the smile and the thumb." "Okay." "The truth?" "l think I lost the account." "Why?" "The guy had some issues with our staff." "What?" "With who?" "It doesn't matter. lt's not his place." "Daniel." "Who are you protecting?" "You." "Me?" "What did I ever do to him?" "Oh. I get it." "He doesn't want to sign with Mode because the co-Editor-in-Chief is" "like this." "Hey, where are you going?" "Maybe I should have just stayed home after all." "It's one advertiser." "Don't let him get to you. lt's not worth it." "No, I'm not worth it." "Look at me." "I'm a mess." "I drove away that advertiser, I practically killed us both in that accident." "l told you, that wasn't your fault!" "Yes, it was!" "I can't do anything right." "I can't drive, I can't do my job..." "And I can't freakin' walk in these!" "MARC:" "I'm okay!" "Come on, Halston." "Help me out here." "I'm trying to find our daddy!" "Just bark if you see someone you recognize." "(EX claims )" "Ooh, "Mousse:" "The 'lt' Beauty Product!"" "(WHlNES ) I heart the '80s." "(whining )" "What is it, boy?" "(barking )" "(EX claims )" ""Editor-in-Chief Fey Sommers and her assistant, Wanda, at the Palladium."" "Who the hell is Wanda?" "(EX claims )" "Okay, slim the nose, add about twenty years, a little Botox..." "Yes, yes... (EX claims )" "Oh." "My." "Dog." "(BARKS )" "Ugly Willie!" "What did you just call me?" "You're saying no to The New York Review?" "The New York Review!" "Do you have any idea how many doors this could open for you?" "(stammering ) I'm sorry." "But I can't." "The truth is... (PHONE rings )" "Hello?" "Yes, I'm sitting with her right now." "lt's the Legal Department." "What?" "But no one's done anything illegal!" "We don't need lawyers." "It's just a routine fact check on your piece." "Uh-huh." "No, I haven't seen the ear yet." "Now, what do I need to do to convince you to let us print your piece?" "Sir, what I am trying to tell you, is that... I work at Mode." "That thing with the clothes?" "Yes." "And if I were to let a competing magazine print my article without giving them first look, then they would fire me." "Definitely, they would fire me." "We couldn't let that happen to someone who's expecting," "now could we?" "Expecting?" "Oh, yes!" "Of course." "My baby." "Well, thank you, that is very kind." "You're carrying low." "It's a boy. I can always tell." "Thank you." "Interesting fact." "Drop a penny and a blonde receptionist from the 28th floor, and they both hit the sidewalk at the same time." "I believe they call it "terminal velocity."" "Okay. I think this is a really good time to point out that I am not a real blonde." "I thought I'd gotten rid of all the pictures of Wanda." "Apparently I missed one." "l will never speak of this again." "I don't even remember what we're talking about right now." "Okay, look, the only reason I was looking at old pictures of Fey is because I'm trying to figure out who my real father is." "Even if I wanted to express sympathy, I physically can't." "Okay, so, if you're not going to hurt me, then I'll just..." "There's just one more thing." "According to the date on those photos, you were my mother's assistant during her pregnancy." "Oh, please, Wilhelmina, you're my last hope." "is there any chance that you know who my father is?" "April 26th, 1 981 ." "Studio 54." "It was the early days of glam-rock fashion," "Liza's between gay husbands, and the party celebrating Fey's first issue of Mode is in full swing." "(HEART OF GLASS playing )" "It's snowing everywhere and Fey's the belle of the ball." "I lost track of her in the crowd." "Then I hear Fey's distinctive laugh." "(FE Y laughing )" "I didn't see anything but the Tweety Bird tattoo on his ass." "I was conceived during Studio 54?" "I knew there was glamour in my genes." "When Fey started puking up her breakfast, she was thrilled." "Until she realized she was pregnant." "She swore me to secrecy." "And in exchange, paid for my transformation from mousy assistant Wanda into supermodel Wilhelmina." "So you know who he is?" "No." "Oh." "Thanks, anyway." "Amanda. I've done a lot to put Wanda behind me." "Your secret's safe with me." "I've put my blood, sweat and old nose into this place." "If I can't have Mode, no one else can." "Daniel, I want to talk to you about Luke Carnes." "I already know what you're going to say." "I have no intention of asking Alexis to step down." "You underestimate me, Daniel." "l think we should lose the account." "What?" "We don't need Atlantic Attire, or their money." "We have dozens of other loyal advertisers." "Why would you back me on this?" "Daniel, whether you like it or not, we're about to become a family." "And family sticks together." "So, Luke, let's talk about this account." "Where do I sign?" "Actually, you don't." "You see, Mode doesn't need to be associated with bigots." "You're turning down 1 0 pages for a man in a skirt?" "That man is my sister." "(sighs )" "Dude. I'm trying to help you out." "I don't need your help, dude." "(BOTH EX claim)" "Betty!" "Henry!" "So, I totally sucked at tutoring yesterday." "I referred to nine as a prime number!" "Can you imagine?" "Nine, only divisible by one and itself?" "I completely forgot about three!" "Oh, no." "l know." "But I am not giving up." "I stayed up all night, and I came up with some awesome new stuff." "You did?" "I'm gonna dress up like Pythagoras, and teach him the Pythagorean theorem." "That's so sweet." "Thank you for caring." "Oh, well, a boy needs his algebra." "Okay." "Catch you later, calculator." "Bye." "Excuse me." "Hi, can I help you?" "You must be Betty Suarez." "Uh-huh." "I hear we have a lot in common." "First, I was victimized by a grizzly." "And now you." "I'm not sure which is worse." "Miss Worthington, I can explain." "Please." "Explain why I got a call from my agent telling me the story I submitted to Mode ended up at The New York Review with your name on it." "Well, I didn't mean for it to..." "We'd be happy to." "Hi." "Daniel Meade, Editor-in-Chief." "Nice to meet you." "You'll be the second person I name in my lawsuit." "No." "Daniel." "Miss Worthington, this was all my mistake." "lt was a big, huge mistake." "Actually, it was mine." "See, I had two stories on my desk." "I must have mixed up the covers because I sent the one I thought was Betty's to a friend of mine at New York Review." "And he flipped over the story." "Your story, unfortunately." "That is not the unfortunate part, if you ask me." "Yes, it is." "Because there is no way" "Mode would let anyone else publish your amazing piece." "In fact, we're prepared to offer you double your fee." "I'm sorry." "Talk into the good ear." "Did you say "double"?" "Absolutely." "Well, I will think of something else for The New York Review." "Next summer I'm going diving in Australia." "Lots of sharks there." "Fingers crossed." "Great." "Uh, Betty, why don't you escort Miss Worthington down to get the contract signed?" "And when you're done, stop by my office." "We need to have a little chat." "(knocking ON DOOR)" "HENRY:" "Hello?" "(LO UD MUSIC PLA YIN G)" "Hello?" "Justin?" "Justin?" "Justin." "What's your damage, yo?" "Are you here alone?" "You're supposed to be working on your algebra, not making out!" "And I'm sure you're very nice, but you really shouldn't be wearing clothes like that until..." "Ever." "And you're drinking?" "It's just beer." "Beer is a gateway drug!" "Justin..." "Back off!" "You're not my dad!" "What..." "What were you thinking?" "Do you know how much trouble Mode could have gotten into?" "How much trouble you could have gotten into?" "I know!" "I know, it was stupid, but I got so nervous." "And you read my story and you gave me that fake smile and the thumbs-up." "Wait, does everybody know about that?" "Look, Daniel, I know you didn't like it." "So I read that woman's story, but I never thought it was gonna get so out of control." "You did all this because I didn't like your story?" "Yeah. I mean, your opinion means a lot to me." "That's crazy!" "Why do you even care what I think?" "Because you're the editor of Mode, and you're my friend." "Betty..." "You can't put me on a pedestal." "Trust me, I don't deserve it." "You know as well as I do, the only reason I'm in this job is because of my father." "Well, that's just what everybody else says." "Everybody says that?" "Daniel, it doesn't matter." "You're good at this." "And you're getting better." "Wait, this is supposed to be my pep talk." "Okay, then, you should have faith in yourself." "You're gonna get better, too." "I mean, maybe your story wasn't that great." "Do you understand the meaning of "pep talk"?" "Maybe it wasn't that great, but..." "There is a "but."" "It doesn't matter what I think." "It doesn't matter what your professor thinks." "Do you like your story?" "Well, the spelling was impeccable." "And there were some funny lines." "See?" "There you go." "It's okay to make mistakes, you just have to learn from them." "I know I do." "Guest list, Studio 54." "I was a good assistant." "And just so you know, Fey quit smoking during her pregnancy, eventually." "If that doesn't say "love," l don't know what does." "(toilet flushing )" "Whoa!" "Hey, buddy!" "Uncool!" "It's just me." "Didn't we just have the men's bathroom conversation yesterday?" "I just heard what happened with Atlantic Attire." "I can't believe you did that." "You're the best brother in the world." "No, I'm not." "Not even close." "Come on, Daniel." "You totally stood up for me." "Stop it." "Why are you being so weird about this?" "You took care of me." "You've been taking care of me since the accident." "Look, I can't do this anymore." "Out." "lt wasn't your fault." "What?" "The accident. lt was my fault." "I thought you said I swerved to miss a deer." "Yeah, I lied. I was drunk, I was spun out on pills, you were speeding to try and get me to help." "As usual, I was the screw-up." "I'm the reason you almost died." "It was my fault." "It was just an accident." "Hi, Daddy." "Oh, and hello to you, too, Pops." "Hola, Papi." "You were all at Studio 54 that night, and I will find that Tweety Bird if I have to search every one of your asses." "Big-big-big-big-big-big-big!" "I just talked to Tommy at Ralph Lauren who talked to Ralph at Tommy Hilfiger who slept with Calvin at Donna Karan who had drinks with Karen" "at Calvin Klein..." "The point?" "They all know about Atlantic Attire pulling out!" "And now all those companies are talking about pulling their advertising, too!" "People are saying that Mode is in trouble." "Wonder who started that rumor." "Oh, my God, it's happened." "The Botox has finally seeped into your brain." "What are you doing?" "I took lemons and made a lemon martini." "So you want to destroy Mode?" "Don't get me wrong, mad props on the evil, but I don't understand." "Why?" "Follow the bread crumbs, Gretel." "There's only room for one fashion magazine at Meade Publications, but if something were to happen to Mode, there would be room for..." "Holy Rosie-Oprah-Martha!" "Slater, the fashion luxury magazine of the future." "It will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of Mode..." "Henry, what's going on?" "It's Justin." "He's a mess, and I can't do anything about it!" "What are you talking about?" "Well, I got here tonight and found him kissing a girl!" "With tongue!" "And drinking beer!" "Are you kidding?" "This is all my fault!" "I should've been here earlier." "Henry, it's not your fault." "Justin's going through some rough times." "He's gonna make mistakes." "That's what kids do." "I didn't have a sip of beer until college, and I threw up all over the quad." "In fact, I hope he's up there throwing up right now." "Henry..." "Well, it might be good for him, maybe he'll learn his lesson!" "Or not. I don't know." "Tough love?" "Okay, stop freaking out." "This is Hilda's responsibility." "Well, I should know what to do, and I don't." "Why do you need to know what to do?" "Because, I'm going to be a father." "Oh." "So the baby's yours?" "Well, how long have you known?" "A couple days." "I didn't want to tell you, because as long as you didn't know, there was still," "I don't know, some fantasy where you and I could be together." "I'm sorry, Betty." "You should go." "BE TTY:" "Sometimes we want things to be different." "We think maybe if we pretend that they are, fool people, that's enough." "But it never is." "I know you all loved my last story, but the truth is, it wasn't mine." "And all the wonderful things you said about it just made me feel awful." "So I'm sorry for lying." "And today I want to share with you my real story," ""Queen of My Own Prom."" "(STUDENTS SNlCKERlNG )" ""By Betty Suarez.""