"NO HELP WANTED" "When I hear "A Foggy Day In London Town", I think of my wife." "Was that your song, Coach?" "No, but Sinatra sang that and it always reminds me of "From Here To Eternity"." " You took her to see it on the first date?" " No, it reminds me of Hawaii." "You and your wife met in Hawaii?" "No, I've never been to Hawaii." "Neither has Wally Engels." "I'll take it." "Coach, who's Wally Engels?" "An old pal of mine in the navy." "He introduced me to my wife." "Boy, that's some memory you've got there." " That song brings back great memories." " Really?" "What?" "They played it the day my daughter got married." "That's all." "We sure get 'em in here, don't we?" "Hello, Sam." " Hey, Becky." "Boy, long time no see." " I finally got transferred back to Boston." "I missed this city and its landmarks." "Speaking of which, when do you get off?" "I don't get off any more, Becky." "What I meant by that was Diane and I are going together here." " Who?" " Diane, this is Becky Hawley." "Diane and I have been going together for what?" "Nine, ten months?" " Four." " Whatever." "I'm glad to see you have a nice thing going, although I must say I will miss the fun we used to have." "I got something a lot better than fun." "I got good solid pleasantness." "You're a real rush yourself." " I didn't mean to upset anyone." " You didn't." "I've come to terms with Sam's past." "Besides, I'm not the jealous type." " Well, I'll be seeing you." " Good to see you again." " You, too." " Why don't I walk you to your car?" "On second thoughts, I'll stand in the bar." " I liked her." " I'll bet." "Have an accident, Sam, or are you just glad to see me?" "Both." "Two Cutty rocks." "Norm's late again today." "I noticed." "It's eating into my beer profits." "I'll have to raise prices to get even." "That'll be $11, Cliff." "He hasn't been in before five o'clock all week." "You don't suppose he finally got a job?" "If Norm had a job, he'd have told us about it." "I hope he didn't tell me and I forgot." "I'd remember forgetting something that big." "Cliff's right." "If Norm got a job, he would have made it a big deal." "You know, yesterday I saw something very disturbing." "The price of peroxide went up?" "I was born a blonde." "What were you saying?" "Well, on my way here, I saw a fellow who looked very much like Norman, sneaking in the back door of Melville's kitchen." "I said hi, but he pulled his coat over his face and ran inside." "Why would he be in Melville's kitchen?" "I think he's been reduced to taking a job as a dishwasher." "No." "Norm would never stoop to that." "He probably went in to beg for table scraps." " Wait a minute." "I thought of something." " I thought I heard a clank." "About a week ago, Norm asked me if a real man would wash dishes." " I don't believe it." " Impossible to escape the conclusion." "I found a way." "I'm not going to believe that my buddy has been reduced to scrubbing pots." "If he had, there's be signs." "He'd be reeking like a mackerel." "Go on!" "Beat it!" "Scram!" "Get out of here!" "Beat it!" "Get out of here!" "Go on!" "Get out of here!" "That proves it." "He's either washing dishes, or driving a herd of cats to Dodge City." "He'd need at least 200 head for that drive to Dodge." "Afternoon, everybody." " Can I draw you a beer?" " I know what they look like." "Pour one." "What's with all the cats?" " Animals like me." " Good." "Cos no human is gonna." "Norm, you smell like low tide in Bridgeport." " It must be that tuna sandwich I ate." " What did you do, eat it or roll in it?" "Everything OK?" "Any luck finding a job?" " Let's just drop it." " Here, Normie." "You need a napkin." "Look at your hands." "They're all red and wrinkled." "So's your brain." "I'm sorry, Coach." "Everybody, I'm sorry." "I might as well come clean here." "Please!" "I'm washing dishes." "The unemployment ran out." "I had to do something." "Give me your hands." "This'll cut the smell." "Norman, you must be hopelessly depressed." "Last night I was so depressed, I almost jumped out my window." "There were so many cats, they would have broken the fall." "Those guys are only a scouting party." "Go on!" "Get out of here!" "There's dignity in any work." "Don't be ashamed." "I know exactly how Normie feels." "When I was a youngster, I was a busboy." "And the getting ordered around, it's more than a man can take." " Get a beer over here, Grandpa." " Right away." "Dishwasher." "I guess I've sunk about as low as an accountant can sink." "I was 30th in my class." "Now I spend my afternoons watching lettuce float." "Norman, you're an accountant." "You should be accounting." "Sam, put Norman on as your accountant." " That would be fabulous." " I already have one." "Well, fire him and hire Norman." " Can I speak to you over here?" " Certainly." " Don't you think it's a good idea?" " I want to tell her how much I like it." "Ms Chambers is going to get a buss on the cheek." "Let's hope it's going at least 80." "No." "Listen." "There are two areas of my life I don't want touched." "I've told you about one." " And I didn't." " You've been very good about that." "The other area is my business." "I worked very hard to get this bar." "Now you've got me turning my books over to a dishwasher." " He's not a dishwasher." "He's a friend." " Right, he's my friend." "How do I know he's a good accountant?" "He hasn't been hired for over a year." "So he's highly motivated to do a good job." "Keep him on long enough to get his pride back." "I won't put you on the spot." "I don't have to be your accountant." " I can always just kill myself." " This man has options here." "Sam, now, it's true, hiring Norman has emotional overtones, but, without emotions, the mind becomes a stagnant pond." "Let's face it, in your case, we're not dealing with white water rapids." "OK." "All right, fine." "I'll put Norm on." "But when I fire him, you'll be responsible for him losing all his self-respect." "How can we miss with such a positive attitude?" "Norm, you're my new accountant." "Sammy, I am honoured." "This is one of the great moments of my life." " One of your great moments?" " There have only been two." "I know this is out of pity, but you got the best accountant." " I'll second that." " That he's the best?" "That he's doing it out of pity." "Here he is." "Norm "Render Unto Caesar That Which Is Zilch" Peterson!" " Diane, more coffee, please." " I'm proud of you." "There's a job to do and you put beer aside." " I want to do a good job for Sammy." " Isn't that nice?" " Isn't that nice, Sam?" " How's it going, Norm?" "Almost done." "You won't be disappointed." "I found a few things." "You'll have the best tax return ever to be audited." "Lighten up, will you?" "It's a tax joke." "There's a bounce in his step I haven't seen in months." "Tonight may be a turning point in his life." "His job complete." " He may even make amends with Vera." " That would be wonderful." "Or he might drink till he passes out with his head in the toilet." "Too close to call." "I hope he's not trying too hard to impress me." "What if he is?" "You helped him out." "He appreciates that." "I don't like taking chances with the IRS." "I was satisfied with my old accountant." "I paid three grand in taxes." "There's be no trouble." "That's all I want from Norm." "No risks." " You worry." "He's a great accountant." " How do you know?" "My mother said everybody has one thing they're great at." "With Norm, we've eliminated everything but accountant and great white hunter." " Here we go, Sam." " How'd it come out, Norm?" " I'II let my return speak for itself." " I'm getting back $15,000?" "We make camp here, Bwana." "Of course babies can eat pizza." "Put it in the blender." "Do you have a cigarette machine?" " Back room." " Thank you, beautiful." " What did you call me?" " beautiful." " Sounded different the first time." " beautiful." "That was the word." "Afternoon, everybody." " A beer, Norm?" " I'm high on life." "Of course beer is my life." "There's my boss man." "How's it going, buddy?" "Pretty good." "Waiting for that big tax refund." "What are you going to do with it?" "I think that some of it should go for something sheer, sexy and a little breathtaking, for the special someone in his life." "You're right." "Are you an extra large, Norm?" "In peignoirs, but I can squeeze into a large teddy." "Wait." "You gotta check these out." "Printed matches. "Norm Peterson Incorporated, An Accountancy Firm. "" " That's very impressive." " Business must be good." "Yeah." "It just took Sammy having faith in me and my getting a little faith in myself." " Bingo." " How many new clients have you got?" "Just one, but I've been hustling and I got some nibbles." "Which reminds me." "Diane, here's your return." " Nice refund." " I thought you'd like that." "Those psychiatrist fees were deductible." "Those sessions in February, we're talking a gold mine." "Shut up." "I'm better." "February was a rough month, wasn't it?" "What you've done for Norman is a miracle." "I'm proud of you." " It was nothing." " Don't be modest." "You stood by him." "When he said you were getting $15,000, even I blanched and money means no more to me than it does to beasts in the field." "Sammy, give me a hand with this stuff." "Coach, will you get that?" " Cheers." "It's for you." " I'm busy." "Take a message." "Can I take a message?" "He's busy." "It was your accountant." "He was saying..." "Bell Day." "And he said your tax returns are ready." " What the hell's going on here?" " Do you mean about Bell Day?" "Did you send in the return I prepared for you or not?" "No, Norm, I didn't." "Why not?" "I should have said." "I'm conservative when it comes to money." "Let me get this straight." "You don't trust me or my work." "So you had somebody else do your taxes." "A $15,000 refund scared me." "I've never gotten a refund before." "You know why?" "That accountant is a wimp." "The guy wouldn't know a deduction if he sat on it." "What are you trying to say, that Norm pulled a $15,000 boner?" "I was trying to protect myself." "You would have done the same thing." "Come on." "You would and you know it." "Let's drop this." "I didn't want Norm to do my taxes in the first place." "You don't do business with friends." "Then you're safe going into business with anybody in this room." "Come on." "Isn't anybody on my side?" "AII I wanted to do was protect my business and not offend Norm." "I'm standing by you." "I may not agree with you, but I admire your courage." " You do?" " I've stood against the majority." "Resisting public opinion for the sake of personal principle." "Is that right?" "Like what?" "In my senior year, I fought to integrate my sorority." "You hear this?" "They wouldn't let blacks in?" "It wasn't blacks." "That's not the point." "What was it, some other race?" "A religion?" " It wasn't a religion." " Come on." "Who?" "What?" "Who wouldn't they let in?" "Girls with poorly-publicised coming-out parties." "Within a couple of months, they blended right in." " You don't trust me as a friend." " Stop right there." " You separate business from friendship." " I'm separating you from my life." "If I get into trouble with the IRS, I could go to jail and you know what happens to pretty boys in jail." " Your attitude is unprofessional." " You know what you are?" " Don't say anything..." " You're a backstabber." " You're a big baby." " Hair hat." " Ham-hock." " Gooseneck." "This is fun." "We are not the ones fighting, spaghetti breath." " You're a bad guy." " You're getting on my nerves." " The truth hurts?" " Will you listen to yourselves?" "Standing there, arguing, bickering!" "You're making a mockery out of Bell Day!" "Sammy, I've just been through the roughest year of my life." "What kept me going was a belief in myself." "I hoped somebody would believe in me." " I thought it was you." " You're laying a guilt trip." " That stinks." " I'm going for good." "Don't come back here thinking this will blow over." "As a matter of fact, I don't want you back in my bar again." "Fine." "You got it." "I gotta settle one thing with him." "Norman, wait." "Don't do anything silly." "Please." "Stay out." "It is part of the male ritual you know nothing about." " Coming in!" " How do you want to do this?" "I don't want to go." "Hey." "Come on." "I didn't mean that you..." "Come on." "Listen." "We're not going to get anywhere unless you start acting like an adult." "Come on." "Here." "This bar's all I have, Sam." "The people are my family." " You're my brother." " You're my brother, too." "Norm, you're my accountant." " You mean it, Sam?" " Right after this tax season." "I'll take it, but I don't want to beg." "The roots of physical aggression in the male is found in the DNA molecule itself." "Right up here." "About one o'clock, as I recall." " Fascinating, Cliff." " Yes, fascinating." "Hold onto your hat, too, because the very letters DNA are an acronym for the words "Dames Are Not Aggressive"." "They stand for deoxyribonucleic acid." "Yes, but parse that in a Latin declension and my point is still moot." "If a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time bomb." "Thank you, Diane." "Let's talk about the gas turbine engine." " Coach, buy my buddy a beer." " Coming up." "So you didn't resort to violence?" "I want you to meet my new accountant." "Congratulations." "I've been with the wrong guy for the last ten years." " Thanks, Sam." " Thank you, Norm." "This is such a beautiful moment." "Seeing you two friends reconcile, I could almost cry." "Girls." "English"