"Mister, you were sitting there all afternoon." "You haven't said a blessed word." "Snug as you please." "Let other people spill their insides out and contribute not a single syllable of your own, and what I want to know is, have you been laughing at me?" "Oh." "Well, then, why not say something?" "Let the world know you're alive." "Well, it seems to me that you have pretty well exhausted the areas of conversation without any help." "Mister..." "may I ask you something?" "Are you married?" "I mean, are you wedded to a lovely creature who treasures you above all earthly things?" "No?" "Then I pity you." "From the bottom of my heart, I pity you." "No offense, of course." "Hey, Colonel?" "Hey, um, Colonel Lacey, sir?" "Hmm?" "Why don't you get up..." " ...and, uh, hightail it for home, hmm?" "The rain'll sober you up, hmm?" "Oh?" "Um, two days you've been here now... drinking and talking about your devoted wife that you ain't seen for more than a year." "You ain't afraid of what you might find, are you, Colonel, sir, hmm?" "You ain't hanging around here because you're afraid you might embarrass that devoted wife by busting in without a word of caution?" "Are you, Colonel, hmm?" "Ah, shut your mouth!" "You shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you!" "Do you hear me?" "Well..." "I was just ribbing him." "Any man that gets that riled, well, he is worrying." "Who is he?" "Colonel Oliver Lacey." "Used to be a regular here 'fore he... 'fore he married and bought himself a ranch near Redwood City." "Well, the colonel is a very unmovable man." "He's unmovable in forgiving a man besting him, too." "Somebody hit me?" "Who?" "Who hit me?" "Who?" "You hit me?" "Well, Colonel, you were in the midst of telling me how unlucky I am not to have a faithful woman of my own, and I didn't want you to get sidetracked." "Oh." "Oh, that's right." "I'm a lucky man." "I'm a very lucky man." "I'll cripple anybody says other..." ""A woman of valor who can find?" "For her price is far above rubies."" "Proverbs." "Why, you can say that again." "Oh, oh." "Bar..." "Barkeep?" "Barkeep?" "Do you know my Penelope?" "It's been over a year since the last time I saw my Penelope." "There is no other woman born of man you can leave alone that length of time, and her husband not even give it a day's worry." "Well, I hope she appreciates the compliment." "Appreciates." "And I went to Mexico to find a fortune." "Provide her with all the comforts a handsome woman like that is entitled." "Well, it seems to me, a woman is entitled to her husband's company also." "And what would you know about how to treat a woman?" "Hmm?" "And in Mexico, many is the night I sat there, lonesome, just thinking about my Penelope waiting for me." "True and straight as a church tower." "She's above all form of earthly temptations." "Does she know you're coming home?" "What?" "Does Penelope know you're coming home?" "A good woman doesn't have to know where her man is every minute." "Yeah, I'm gonna bust right in and surprise her." "You mean she doesn't even know whether you're alive or not?" "Makes no odds to Penelope." "To Penelope." "Wait a minute." "Penelope." "She's not like these other women you see around." "The painted, sinful hussies, lallygagging around the minute their man's back is turned." "My Penelope is as straight as an arrow." "On the house, Colonel." "One for the road." "Well..." "I'll leave when I'm ready to leave, not one minute before." "And she will be right there waiting for me." "Colonel, you are taking a lot for granted." "Are you meaning to imply anything about my wife?" "To Penelope." "Well, you haven't got anything in there." "Not, in, in, uh, uh..." "Penelope." "She..." "Oh." "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Paladin." "You have visitor over there." "This yours, sir?" "Yes, it is." "I ask a favor." "Not-not for myself, sir." "For the colonel." "He wrote me he was coming." "Yes, sir, I can read." "I've been many years in his service, and he's a good man." "What's the favor?" "Well, sir, it's bad if he rides out to his ranch without the lady being warned." "There'll be bloodshed, sure as you're born." "You understand, sir?" "Well, couldn't you warn him?" "Well, I'm an old man, and what life I have left is precious." "Directions how to get there are on the back." "Old man?" "Old man, where did you get this card?" "From the Chinese gentleman, sir." "He's most understanding." "Whoa." "Penelope." " Mmm." "Aah, Mr. Paladin." "Oh, Penelope." "Come here, come here." " Come here." " Oh, Penelope." "What's the matter?" "Hey Boy?" "As an understanding Chinese gentleman, what did the old man tell you about the colonel?" "Oh, very sad story." "When colonel go on filibuster, lady hire straw boss." "What else?" "Old man say lady very good woman, but the straw boss is..." "Oh." "The straw boss and the straw widow, eh?" "Very easy combination to make fire." "Uh, romantic nature of conflagration appeal to Mr. Paladin?" "Well, Hey Boy, I suspect that when the colonel wakes up, he will have a conflagration inside his skull that will require your skills." "Uh, good evening." "I wonder if you folks could afford me a night's shelter." "My horse has gone lame." "Sorry, mister, but having a stranger 'round at night would be upsetting to the lady of the house." "Oh, I understand that, but you do have a barn and some straw, don't you?" "Get your foot out of that door." "Well, now, sir, I told you that my horse has gone lame." "I have no intention of ruining a good animal." "Look, mister, you get going now." "Your horse is no business of ours." "Well, perhaps if you ask your wife, she might have a little more human understanding about it." "I don't have to ask my wife." "I give the orders around here." "Andrews, put that shotgun down." "Go and feed and water the man's horse and get the horse doctor." "Yes, ma'am." "Do it now." "I ain't hardly begun my dinner yet." "You eat enough for three men, you don't hardly do the work of one." "Now get going." "Oh, and, uh, be careful with that horse." "Andrews may lack manners but he does his work." "Well, I take it he is not your husband." "Andrews?" "Oh, now and forever, no." "Amen." "Well..." "I find it very hard to believe." "I find it very hard indeed to believe that you had a husband who would leave such cooking and such a beautiful wife." "I had a letter from him six... eight months ago, all full of brag and bluster about the city of gold he was about to stumble on." "Grown man still playing at soldiering like a green pup in a paper helmet." "As if I wouldn't rather have a man around the house than all the gold under the sun." "Well, he must have had a very good reason." "He thought so." "Heard somewhere about an Aztec temple full of gold, decided for himself that was just what I had always wanted... gold." "You've seen Oliver." "Yes." "When's he coming home?" "Tomorrow, I believe." "Well, that's good." "There's plenty of work waiting." "That all you've got to say?" "What do you expect me to do..." "fall on my knees and weep?" "Well, you do want him back?" "Oh, after all these months?" "Every day some man skulking around." "I finally hired Andrews to chase them off." "Then he started getting notions." "Well, you have certainly handled Andrews successfully." "I've managed while my husband traipses through the jungles of Veracruz." "Well, he can stay away or come home." "It's all one to me." "Penelope... sometimes these silly things a man has to do once." "Where am I?" "You're in Mr. Paladin's room." "Paladin?" "Oh, oh, Paladin." "Go to sleep." "Don't worry." "Go to sleep." "Sleep." "Hey." "This Paladin... where is he?" "He go see your wife." "Don't worry." "My wife." "My gun." "You see my gun?" "No." " Paladin." " Hmm." "Stay here with me." "I'm thinking I don't want Oliver back." "Well, he's come a long way to find that out." "You're Colonel Lacey, ain't you?" "Yes." "Who are you?" "Just a hired hand, Colonel." "I'm sure glad you're here." "Oh, why?" "Well, sir, uh..." "Well, it's them two in there, carrying on like they was..." "Carrying on?" "You haven't given me your answer yet." "Oliver!" "No, no, no, let him keep that gun." "I don't want her running around afterwards, saying I didn't kill him in a fair fight." "Oliver." "I'm gonna count to three, Romeo." "Colonel Lacey." "You must have taken me for the world's prize fool." "You are bucking for that title." "You mean you didn't intend to add her to your collection?" "Oliver!" "Colonel Lacey, I can only promise you, if you reach for that gun, you will be dead within the second." "One." "No, Oliver." "Can't you see your wife wants you to stay alive long enough to hear the truth?" "I know the truth." "You boneheaded old fool." "Paladin's here for your sake." "Well, perhaps it would be a shame to waste a woman like that on a thing like you." "Why don't you squeal for mercy?" "Go on." "'Cause I want her to see just for what she'd break the heart of her wedded husband, and him traveling to the ends of the earth for her sake and never looking to another woman." "What about me, a woman alone trying to run your ranch?" "Woman alone?" "Ha." "I ought to thank you for opening my eyes, Paladin." "Well, Colonel, if you believe that, the count is two." "Two." "Oliver." "Oh, never mind, Penelope." "It's all right." "At least now you can run off with Andrews the way he wanted you to." "Yes." "Just what we wanted, isn't it, and now we can." "Now-now wait a minute." "Go on." "Save Andrews the trouble of killing you himself." "Now, ma'am, tha-that ain't so." "Colonel, she's a-lying to you." "No, it don't matter now." "You can tell him the truth." "Hired hand, you said." "Yes, sir, and that's all." "I didn't plan nothing like that." "I don't care nothing for you." "Colonel Lacey, the man doesn't breathe who wouldn't want Penelope." " That's true." " Yes." "I mean, no." "Colonel, I swear, she's lying to you." "I can't stand the sight of her." "Now you have gone too far." "Now you better take your chance and get." "Now you listen to me." "Did you see your wife just saved your life at the risk of her own?" "If you need any greater proof of her devotion, you're a bigger fool than I think you are, and that would be an achievement." "World's prize fool." "Never a... a woman born of man as, as true as my Penelope." "He's a very lucky man." ""A woman of valor who shall find?" ""For her price is far above rubies." ""The heart of her husband trusteth her," ""and he has no lack of gain." ""She doeth him good and not evil all the days of her life."" "I could've got her, you know?" "Friend, you didn't even come close." ""Have gun will travel," reads the card of a man" "A knight without armor in a savage land" "His fast gun for hire heeds the calling wind" "Paladin, Paladin, where do you roam?"