" I am so excited to see you tomorrow." " Me too." "We're finally going to consummate our relationship!" "And we're gonna have sex for the first time." "Speaking of which, I got my STD test." "You mean your "Safe to do it" test?" "Yup, clean as a whistle, though whistles aren't actually very clean at all." "The mouth is a haven for harmful bacteria." "All right." "Save that for the bedroom." "Well, I'm getting my test after work, but don't worry." "I've only been with one person since the last time I was tested." "Yeah, and just casually asking, who was that one other guy?" "Uh... it's not important." "What is important is the next time we're together, we're gonna be together." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Though for me, with the time change, it'll actually be yesterday, in which case, we already had sex." " How were we?" "Amazing!" "Thank you, online tech support person man." " Hello, Josh." " Gabi." "If you have a computer problem, you can come to me." "You know... the last guy you had sex with." "Were you listening to my private conversation?" "Your private conversation that you were having in my kitchen" " with my Internet on my laptop?" " My god, that's a good point." "So wait, you were with Cooper in China for three weeks, sharing a bed, and nothing?" " I knew you for less than three hours and we" " I know!" "That's why I was being careful." "I mean, the last person I had sex with, it kind of ended up a big mess." "So, what I'm hearing is that no man could possibly measure up to that big... handsome mess." "No, what you're hearing is me politely asking if I can leave work early and go to the clinic." "So you can get your "Safe to do it"" " cause you haven't "Done it yet" test?" " Yes, that's the one." "Yes, you can go, but look, you have nothing to worry about." "I'm safe." "Yeah, you are, but you know how they say when you have sex with someone, you have sex with everybody they've had sex with?" "Gabi, the only other person I was sleeping with when I slept with you was Caroline." "New plan." "We're both getting tested." "I'll call my doctor." "Your doctor's office is really nice." "At the clinic that I go to, if you didn't have something walking in, you're gonna have something walking out." "You're paying, right?" "Only if it's good news!" "I'm sorry." "I'm just really nervous." "This is mine and Cooper's first time." "Oh god!" "What if I have something?" "That could kill the whole night!" " Gabi, you're fine." " You don't know that!" "I mean, we waited such a long time, and he paid so much for the hotel room." "I mean, not that he told me how much, but I definitely looked it up online." "And he's trying to make it so special for me, and I already bought the cap and gown." "Cap and gown?" "Oh." "God, do you think it's too much?" "I thought it'd be really hot if I rolled up my test results like a diploma dress up in a sexy cap and gown," "Get it?" "'cause we're graduating to the next level of our relationship-  the sex level." " I get it." "I'm trying to un-get it." "I'm sorry, am I saying too much?" "I don't know if you know this, but when I'm nervous," " I really seem to talk a lot." " Yeah." "Only when you're nervous." "All right, I've looked over your C.B.C. Chem-7 test panel, and checked out your S.T.I. serologic test" "Oh my god!" "I'm dying!" " Calm down, you're both fine." " Oh good." "And may I just say, it was really responsible for the two of you to come in to be tested together." "I really wish more couples were like you." "Yay!" "Now I get to go have sex with my boyfriend." "Thanks, boss." "Don't ask." "Oh, Yolanda." "Yolanda?" "What the hell?" "I come get my tooth pulled, and I wake up in the hallway making out with my ex-husband?" "Unbelievable." "Yes, it is." "Gabi, you know Coleman." "He's the guy that broke Yolanda's heart by cheating on her." "You know, normally, I'd be eating this up, but..." "Cooper and I are having sex for the first time tonight, so bye!" "Come on, Josh." "Can't we just start over?" "If you mean you and Yolanda, no." "But if you mean you and me, no." "Well, then do you have another reason to be here?" "No." "Bye-bye, Josh." "We'll talk about this later." "That was a little uncomfortable." " You're telling me." " Yeah." "Now where were we?" "Sofia, this is a five-star hotel." "That's, like, all of the stars!" "Well, don't just stand there." "Help me raid the mini-bar." "I already got the shampoo and condish for ya." "Things are about to get sexy." "Yes." " A five-star sexy!" " Yeah." "This bed is so sexy." "Chocolates on the pillow!" "Super sexy." "Hello?" "It's me, calling you from the bathroom!" "I'm here!" " And you are here." " Oh my god!" "There's the coolest mirror in here!" "And Sofia's here!" "Hey, Cooper!" "Have fun, you two." "I'm gonna wash my hair and make tiny drinks." " Hi." " Hi." " Wait, wait, let me set the mood." " Okay." "You know how in those romantic movies you like," " there's always rose petals on the bed?" " Yeah." "They were supposed to cascade and flutter, but my hands are sweaty, 'cause I'm really nervous." "Well, maybe this will calm you down." "No, no, no." "Did I really blow it with the rose-petal clump that bad?" "No, I have a surprise for you." "Sit down, close your eyes." " I don't want you to see." " Don't worry." "My glasses are already fogged up." "Okay, this is happening." "This is really happening." "Calm down, Cooper." "You too, mini-Cooper." "Okay, open your eyes." "This is so much better than my graduation from M.I.T." "'Cause the girls weren't as pretty?" "And my mother isn't here." "Proof positive that I am negative." " You are amazing." " And safe to do it." " Why does this say, "Josh Kaminski"?" " What?" "They can never spell my name right!" "Gabi, I work with computers, so I'm not too good with people," "But I'm pretty sure you handing me" "Josh's S.T.D. test results is the worst foreplay ever." "Okay, remember that one thing I said I'd never let you do?" "I'll let you." "Gabi, what's going on?" "Okay, listen, don't freak out, because it meant absolutely nothing." " Oh god, you're sleeping with Josh!" " No, slept with." "It's like when I got my hair cornrowed?" "It was one time, in the past, and I totally regretted it!" "He's the one guy you had sex with?" "It was the night of my trial dinner to be Josh's new chef." " That's how you got the job?" " No!" "I slept with him after I got the job." "Him and Caroline had just broken up, he was devastated," "I was drunk..." "Yeah, well, I'm about to be both of those things." "Okay." "You're mad." "Can you channel that passion and throw me onto the bed?" "I'm outta here." "Cooper, you can't just leave." "You're right." "I spent 13 hours on a plane, paid $800 for this beautiful hotel suite, tried a little something called manscaping... all so we could have this magical night together." "So you know what?" "I am gonna stay." "Oh, thank god." "You're leaving." "Leaving?" "In shame?" "This is like my high school graduation all over again, except that time, I did have sex, and I did not get a diploma." "Sign there... and there." "Initial there." "And you are officially gay!" "Nothing?" "That gay stuff usually kills." "I'm sorry, Elliot, I just can't stop thinking about Yolanda making out with Coleman." "I know." "It's like he fell into the hippo pit at the zoo, managed to escape, and then jumped right back in again!" "Look, I know it's late and my day off, so if you wanna pay me overtime, go right ahead." "But that's not why I'm here." "I want to talk about the elephant in the room." "Shut up, Elliot!" "Look, Yolanda, I know I'm just your boss, but I'm also the boss whose couch you cried on every time he cheated on you." "I hear you, and I want you to know I ended it with him, which is why I'm going to Napa this weekend with my girlfriends to drown myself in a big barrel of pinot noir." "You know, to forget Coleman's pinot noir." "Good." "Good." "I really think this is for the best." "By the way, what were you doing at the doctor's offce, anyway?" "Were you so worried you were following me?" "Uh, no." "Gabi and I were actually getting S.T.D. tests." "Come on, you can admit it." "No, I'm being serious." "Look." "Gabi's Vitamin D is really low." " What?" " These are Gabi's results." "What do you mean, "Gabi's results"?" "Oh my god, I gotta call her right now." "Calm down, baby." "That little pale girl just needs to get some sun." "These are Gabi's results, which means she has my results, and she's gonna dress up all sexy in a cap and gown and hand 'em to Cooper like a diploma." "And people think gay sex is weird." "Hey, Cooper." "A bottle of bubbly for the lovebirds." "Gabi's not here... and I saw your test results." "How about 'em, huh?" "Weren't they great?" "That's why I gave a copy to my employees." "Stop." "Gabi told me everything," "I know you guys had sex together, and obviously you have feelings for her." " What?" "No, that's so" " It all makes sense-- why you didn't want us to date when I was working for you, why you punched me in the face." "That had nothing to do with Gabi." "We were drunk." "Alcohol really seems to be the excuse for everyone around here." "You know what?" "You people really have a problem!" "Cooper, look, even if I were into her, the reality is, she's into you." "She's always talking about you, her face lights up during your video chats, and she was so excited to dress up in the cap and gown." "She told you about that?" "She talks a lot when she's nervous." "Just tell me, man to man... do you have feelings for her?" "If I did, would I be here right now, trying to get you two to work things out?" "Come on, man!" "You like her, she likes you." "Go get her." "Don't tell me what to do!" "I will go get her." "Not because you told me to." "Yolanda?" " Josh!" " Aren't you supposed to be at Napa?" "No!" "I said I was gonna take a napa." "Baby, what's taking so long?" "That's Tammy." "She's got a nasty cold." "Ooh, throat just raw." "Come on, Yolanda." "Bring it." "Sweetie, you should stop talking." "You're only making it worse." "No, you're making it worse." "All right, fine!" "Tammy's Coleman." " No!" " Look, Josh," "I know what you're thinking." "I should just end it and leave with you right now." " Exactly." "Let's go." " I can't just leave him." "Why?" "Because you have no willpower?" " Because you're falling for him again?" " No!" "Because he's handcuffed to the headboard." "Oh my god." "My boobs are huge!" "God, Sofia, why didn't I tell Cooper about Josh earlier?" "Because guys don't want to hear about past hookups." " They can't handle it." " Why?" "I mean, why can't couples be like best friends and tell each other everything... like us?" " Totally." " Yeah, and we would never have to worry about lying or keeping secrets from each other." "Total." "Oh god, Sofia, it so great having a best friend, 'cause no matter if something's hard to hear, we just still say it, because we trust each other." "Totally." "Although-- and I'm not thinking of anything in particular here, but we might not tell each other..." " Everything." " Oh please!" "Do you remember your Halle Berry haircut?" "Who told you that it made you look like John Leguizamo?" " You did." " And why would I do that?" "Because you love me and want the best for me." "That's right, and you would do the same for me." "We tell each other everything, no matter what." "It's called "trust."" "There's actually one thing I might have neglected to tell you, but we're gonna need the big bottle for that one." "Okay." "I've waited a really long time to tell you this, and, god, it's been killing me, but I swear the only reason I didn't tell you was because you seemed so happy with Cooper and... okay." "The night that Josh broke off his wedding, he climbed up the fire escape to tell you he had feelings for you, but then he saw you kissing Cooper, and he was devastated, so he left." "And then when I found out, he swore me to secrecy." "Oh god, I should've told you." "I'm so sorry." "Do you forgive me?" "Oh my god, you didn't hear a word I said." "No, but I did." "Well, let me guess." "Gabi left her keys in the door again!" "Cooper, I'm sorry you had to find out about Josh and Gabi this way." "But, you know, it's time everybody knew." " Apparently, everyone did know." " No, not Gabi, but she's gonna find out as soon as she wakes up," " because I cannot keep this from her anymore." " You're right." "She needs to know." "Just..." "let me be the one to tell her." " Why?" " I need to see her face when she finds out." "It's the only way I'll know if she has feelings for Josh." "Okay, but I'm the one that's been keeping this from her, so I should be the one to tell her." "You can stay in my hotel room." "I don't think that-- really?" "Okay, but she needs to know that I tried to tell her the truth." "Promise me you'll tell her." "I will." " Oh, and, Cooper..." " Yes, you can order room service." " And...?" " And a movie." "Yolanda promised up and down she's never gonna see Coleman again," " so why are we at his office?" " Because Yolanda is weak." "All Coleman has to do is call her, and she caves." "So we're gonna confront Coleman, make sure he never contacts her again." "Oh, so that's why you brought me." "I'm the bad cop!" "I'm the muscle!" "I'm the heavy!" "I'm missing a tassel on my loafer." "Coleman." " Look, we need to talk man to man." " To man!" " O-- okay." " I love Yolanda." "And I... work with her." "And we both care about her." "Okay, so... what's the problem?" "The problem is, we are worried." "You are emotionally closed off and prone to infidelity." "All right, let's put the tiger back in the cage." "Coleman, look..." "Yolanda can't see it, but she's falling for you again, and that's dangerous." "So, if you care about her, you gotta leave her alone, because when it comes to you, she has no self-control." "The hell I don't!" "I can end it with Coleman any time I want!" "Wait, hold up." "Yolanda... are you falling in love with me?" "Well, Coleman..." "I did not see this coming." "This changes everything." "Yolanda, I'm sorry." "Because I am falling for you again, too." "You are?" "Damn right I am." "I'm lucky I get a second chance to make things right." "And that's exactly what I'm gonna do." "Because you butted in, they're actually closer than they were before." "Thank you, Elliot." "I mean, if it wasn't for you coming down here, they might not be a couple, but because you did," " they are." " I get it, Elliot." "Now get out, so I can get it." "The sex that's about to happen is because of you." "Sofia, you have the soft skin of a little girl." "It's Cooper, and I occasionally moisturize." "Cooper, what are you doing here?" "I mean, I 'm happy you're here, but..." "Hi." "I feel horrible that I kicked you out of the hotel room last night." "Yeah, that was not the way" "I was hoping we were gonna get kicked out." "I was being insecure and irrational." "Normally, I'm only one of those things." "And I should've told you about Josh." "It was wrong not to tell you." "I will never keep anything from you again." "Neither will I, which is why..." "Gabi, there's something I need to tell you." "There's something I need to tell you, too." "Well, maybe I should go first, 'cause this is really big, and I really want you to take it in before you react." " I love you." " What?" "I'm sorry." "I couldn't wait." "I love you." "Now, what did you want to tell me?" "That I'm quitting my job in China and moving back to be with you." "You are?" "Yes, of course." "Because I love you, too." "Yes!" "I'm really sorry." "I was just really nervous, because I wasn't sure if you were gonna actually say it, too." " Oh, and I have another secret." " Yeah?" "I gave Sofia the hotel room key, so we're alone." "Oh, thank god." "Oh my god." "Oh my god." "Oh my god." "Oh my god." "Oh my god." "Oh my god." "I know." "Right?" "No, the hotel just sent me the bill." "Oh my god!"