"[cell door slams] [theme song playing]" "[cell door slams]" "[cell door slams]" "[shower running]" "[Maritza] He had no idea how to take care of himself." "He used to condition, then shampoo." "He didn't even know how to change a diaper." "How could I leave my baby with that?" "Hey, maybe nobody taught him." "And maybe he's a dumbass." "But still, I feel really bad for missing her first birthday." "It's a big one, you know?" " Hurry up." " Can I rinse off?" "They used to hold an empty one for Red." " Move it!" "Do it in the fucking sink." " Ow!" "That hurts!" "Gracias." "What the f... [all exclaiming]" "Aw, man!" "Ew..." "All right, everybody out now!" "Let's go!" "[speaking in Spanish]" "All right, listen up!" "We got plumbing issues in Spanish Harlem." "Shit's flooded and we gotta get to work." " So?" " So they wanna cut." "Aw, man!" "No, fuck that." "You want breakfast?" "That's how it is." "The fuck?" "Excuse me!" "But my girls are not inclined to offer special privileges." "Not in our bathroom." "Your girls?" "When did that happen?" "Ladies?" "Get on line." "Yeah." "You violating' an unspoken social contract, bitch." "_" " What the fuck you call me?" " Stop it!" "Hey!" "Cut it out!" "Cut it out!" "Settle down!" " What is going on here?" " She fucking punched me." "I didn't punch." "Man, I pushed her, like this." "Oh!" "[inmates shouting indistinctly]" " Did you see that?" " [Taystee] Dramatic." " Oh, come on, sister!" " Don't "sister" me." " I'm writing you a shot." " What?" " Officer, please." "This..." " Come on!" " No!" "This ain't even their bathroom!" " What?" "You want a shot, too?" "Don't ever call a black guard "sister."" "You know that." "Go." "Get out." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "[Lourdes chanting in Lucumi]" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_ [speaking Spanish]" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Sorry." "You can't buy beer with food stamps." "Just take it." "Excuse me?" "It's a $100 EBT card." "Just give me $50." "Come on, everybody knows you do this shit." "[scoffs]" " Forget it." " Yeah." "Take a hike!" "We don't do that shit here." "You got the wrong store." "[cash register drawer closes]" "Fifty." "Minus the cost of the beer." "[Gloria laughs] [speaking Spanish]" " _ - _" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "All of the girls must want to have sex." "Yes, Chang, we know." "It's not a rape contest." " What contest?" " We're having a Bang-Off." "All the girls must be here on camp." "Really?" "You mean we can't pull from the local bars?" "Yeah, how about, "All girls must be human"?" "Or would that be a problem for you, Boo?" "That happened one time." "We were drunk." "So, do they have to come for it to count?" "Excellent question." "Have to?" "Son, with me, they always come." "Oh, only once?" "That's so sad." "Hey, Chang, can we get extra points for multiples?" "I'm the queen of excess." "No." "No double points but different girls worth different points." " What is that?" " Score sheet." "Trim, six." "Chapman, three." "I don't wanna play the game." "Don't put me in that." " Three out of what?" " Ten." "Ten's like a guard, right?" "And one's like that girl." "I am so more than a three." "I am not easy." "You're slutty, not easy." "There's a difference, semantically." "[Big Boo] Yeah, you're not easy." "You only fucked your worst enemy." "Alex was not my enemy at the time." "That I knew." "It was complicated." "She has that effect on me." "Me, too." "Love to get my dick in her mouth." "Maybe she'll come back in time for the game." "Don't count on it." "Hey." " What y'all playing?" " Nothing." "A game as old as time." "Oh, yeah?" "What's it called?" "Exclusion." "Cool." "How do you play it?" "Man, it's bullshit, man." "I already got two shots for being late to the warehouse." "And now I got another for trying to keep from being late?" "This is our bathroom." " Mmm-hmm." " Mmm-hmm." " When I was here last time..." " Oh, God!" "We've heard." "That was back in the good ol' days, when you could stab a bitch in her sleep and nobody said nothin'." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Do you like being another woman's doormat?" "Oh..." "Look, who said anything about being a doormat, man?" "Shit." "I'm my own doormat." "Yes, but a doormat to where?" "I am telling you, unless we do something now, this is gonna become the way it is." "Spanish running things." "And we can't look to the screws for help." ""Screws"?" "Man, you are old." "Mmm-hmm." "I'm just saying those girls need to learn some manners." "Mmm." "I know what you sayin'." "Do you, baby?" "Mmm-hmm." "Fork on the left." "Knife on the right." "Little fork on the outer left." "[Irma] It's cold out here." "You'll warm up once we get working." "Irma, you and Frieda start pulling weeds out of the floor." "Taslitz and Jimmy and I will start clearing out this junk." "Oh, I can't stay long." " Jack is taking me to the movies tonight." " Okay." "We need to get there early." "There'll be a huge line for Easter Parade." "Jimmy, maybe you help pull weeds?" "All right." "But I have to go soon." "Girls, give me a hand with this, huh?" "What?" "You said this greenhouse club would be relaxing." "Give us time away from the noise." "You didn't say nothing about hauling wood." "You wanna get warm or not?" "[straining]" " Morning, ladies." " Morning, Mr. Healy." "Is that Jack?" "Oh." "Quite a little challenge you've set for yourself, Red." "Yes, I'm getting that feeling." "Ladies, would you mind if I spoke to Red for a minute?" "Uh, not at all." "We'll go help pulling weeds." "So, they're putting up a production of Our Town at Litchfield High tonight." "Do you think maybe that'd be a good thing to take Katya to see?" "I don't know." "I'm not familiar with the actors at that particular high school." "I thought maybe a little culture would be nice." "Mostly, I just wanna get away from her mother for the evening." "Or we could just go to dinner." "They just opened an Italian place." "What do you think?" "Healy, we had an agreement back when I ran the kitchen." "You scratched my back, and I told you when it was time to trim your ear hairs." "But I don't need my back scratched anymore and I'd rather be left alone." "I'm just asking your opinion." "Skip the play." "Take her to dinner." " Italian?" " What, romantic Indian?" "Come on." "All right." "Thank you." "Hey, Healy, can we get a space heater in here?" "I'll look into it." "Probably not." "Shit licker." "Can we grow pot?" "So I heard from my cousin that the whole front of the building on the corner fell off and crashed onto the sidewalk?" "Yeah." "Boom." "Hey." " Check out the anti-suicide poster." " Oh..." "You think someone tried to do it in, like, right in here?" " Maybe right where you're sitting?" " Oh, Cal!" "What?" "It's just a question." "Oh, Piper!" "Oh, what a relief." "[sighs]" "What?" "Oh." "She was worried that you wouldn't be pretty anymore." " Hey!" "Mmm." " Hey." "I told you." "She won the fight." "That's right." "I kicked ass." "I spent three weeks in solitary confinement just thinking, "Winner!"" " Yeah!" " Oh, Piper." "Did Larry come to visit you?" "No." "And he won't be coming to visit me." "I told you." "We broke up." "Well, his earning potential was questionable." "I was hoping that you would have, like, a gnarly scar." "Add character and mystery." "There's still time." "You'll find another man." "I can help you." " There's no need for that." " No, I want to." "[sighs] Wasn't Neri supposed to come?" "Yes." "They wouldn't let her in." "There was some issue with her background check." "She's in the lobby." "I tell you what I find most disturbing is that it looks almost exactly like my old high school in here." "Same cinder block construction, low ceilings, oppressive fluorescent lighting." "I wonder if that's intentional." "Like part of the punishment?" "If so, kudos to the government, because it's genius." "And where's Daddy?" "He didn't wanna see me?" "Of course he did, darling." "Something came up." "Nothing came up." "You don't have to lie to me." "He doesn't wanna see me in here." " That's right." " No, Cal." "That is not right." "You can't let her think that." " Well, it's better than the other thing." " No." " What other thing?" " It's nothing." "Well, then if it's nothing, can you at least tell me what it is?" "Cal?" "We agreed that we shouldn't tell you." "But you can guess." " Oh, no." "Is it bad?" " Mmm." "Oh, stop it, Cal." "This is not appropriate." "What is not appropriate?" "I am an adult who is in prison!" "I can handle things." "You have to tell me what it is." "God damn it!" "Did Daddy lose his job?" " Did your house burn down?" " No." "Did my house burn down?" " No, darling, it isn't property." " No hints, please." " So it's a person?" " Yeah." "Is Daddy sick?" "Dead?" "Is Daddy dead?" "Darling, Daddy is fine." "Aside from his cholesterol, but he's taking fish oil for that." "Keep going." "You're getting warmer." "Daddy's fine, but..." "Danny?" "Polly?" "Larry?" "Grandmother!" "Grandmother's dead!" "Grand..." "Dying!" "Grandmother's dying!" "Yes!" "Grandmother's dying!" "Grandmother's dying!" "[Gasps]" "Oh, no." "Oh, my God." "Mendoza, your people are not authorized to use the B-Dorm bathroom." "You have your own bathroom." "Is that what you call that place with the fountains of caca?" " I'm getting a plumber." " When?" "When I get authorization from Fig when she gets back from Albany." "Well, in the meantime, don't you think your kitchen workers should have a sanitary place to go?" "Especially since they're the ones taking the crust off your sandwiches?" "You didn't even ask." "You just stormed in." "Mr. Caputo, can my people use the B-Dorm bathroom?" "Please?" "Fine." "You can share it." "For now." "Thank you." "By the way, can I have a candle for my office?" "You wanna light a candle, go to church on Sunday, use one of the electric ones." "Don't get cocky with me, Mendoza." "You're important, but you're replaceable." "Don't forget that." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "[Arturo] Gloria." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Arturo!" "[Arturo speaking Spanish]" "[Lourdes] Benito!" "Julio!" "_" "Florecita!" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_ [speaking Spanish] [sobs]" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_ [speaking English] Who are you praying for, tía?" "Tu mamá." "[woman on TV] Excellent." "Now, you're gonna cook this very slowly for a couple hours, make sure the meat is very tender." "So..." "Gruber's out of play." "Who's Gruber?" "Oh!" "Like the freckly girl with the giant forehead?" "In the woodshed." "Behind the band saw." "Everybody else was making a shelf, and we were making L-O-V-E." "Oh, yeah." "Well, I'm not sure that's how you spell "gross."" "But congratulations, Boo." "You got yourself a one-pointer." "Boob in the hand is worth two in the bush." "Yeah, well, it's only the bush that counts." "[sighs]" "But, hey!" "Keep it up." "There's plenty of other nickel slots in Low Self Esteem City." "You want me, I'll be playing for big money at a private table." "Well, by that, you must mean playing with yourself, 'cause I don't see you playing with anybody else." "Oh, no?" "Hey, Officer Fischer?" "Hey, would you mind turning the volume up for me on the television?" "It's just that it's kind of low." "Sure, Nichols." "the vegetables, the garlic adds..." "Hey, thanks." "Hey, you look lovely today, by the way." "Well, thank you. [chuckles]" "[Nicky] Sure." "See, I'm not interested in running some sweaty fallopian relay race." "I look at this like an art form." "You're out of your depth." "Oh..." "My depth has no depth." "I am a sexual Steve Jobs." "And that bitch is worth 10 points." "But I made reservations at the Spaghetti Factory." "You should have asked me." "I made plans with Ulya." "Well, I'd really appreciate it if you could reschedule." "What?" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Can you please speak English?" "Why we speak English?" "Why not you speak Russian?" "Why?" "Because you live in America now!" "And I don't think it's so horrible for me to want to do something nice together!" "You can see Ulya any day of the week." "It's not like you have to go to a job or anything!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to lose my temper." "_" "[speaking English] Maybe we could all go out some place together." "Or if you don't feel like eating, we can go see a play." "I want to spend time with my friend." "Right." "Which is why I said Ulya's welcome to come." "_" "_ [speaking English] You don't have any friends, Sam." "Yo, the water pressure is so much better in the ghetto." "I know, right?" "It's fucked up." "It's like they're getting special privileges and we're the black people." "Hey, wait." "Where the fuck are my shoes?" "Where are my fucking shoes?" "This was in my bed." "Hey, ladies, you better get to moving." "If you don't hurry, you gonna be late for work." "Gank!" "[both laugh]" "Oh, fuck." "It's on." "Somebody start untangling this shit." "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing." "My grandmother is sick." "Oh..." "I thought maybe I caught you with a porn." "A sick babushka is nothing to be ashamed of." "I don't wanna bore anyone with my problems." "All problems are boring until they're your own." "Count time." "[woman on PA] You must stand at count." "Repeat, you must stand at count under code 320." "What happened?" "[sighs]" "She scraped her foot turning laps in the pool." "When it wasn't healing, she went in to see the doctor and it turns out her kidney levels were off the charts." "So they put her on dialysis, and then she got an infection." "That's how it happens." "It all goes at once." "Like internal organ dominoes." "I'm sorry." "That's probably not what you want to hear." "It's all right." "I'm not looking for sympathy." "I'm trying to follow your lead, actually." "Be strong." "Suffer in silence." "I like the silent part." "She might pull through." "Anyhow, what is it that they say?" "Hang on tightly, let go lightly." "What?" "It's something that Clive Owen says in the movie Croupier." "Is it supposed to be comforting?" "It probably would be comforting if Clive Owen were here to say it." "Fuck Clive Owen." "Don't ever let go." "Not until they make you." "All the water from this bathroom goes out this pipe under the floor here." "Until it's cleared, you're gonna have all of the water and effluvia." "It's gonna be comin' out of the pipe every time you have the showers going." "Well, why?" "What's the actual problem?" "Depends." "The snake's not long enough to reach it, so..." "It's probably roots." "Mr. Caputo, may I speak to you for a moment?" "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I didn't sign off on an outside contractor." "I made an executive decision when you decided not to come to work yesterday or this morning." "I had a press conference." "My husband is running for state Senate." "Well, this is Jeremy." "He's running for Plumber of the Prison, where we work." "There's a CO trained in plumbing." "His name is Kanarick." "He's been here already." "And?" "To be honest, this isn't gonna get unclogged." "You're gonna have to remove the whole exit pipe." "How much is that gonna cost?" "Okay, it's embedded in the concrete, so I gotta get a jackhammer, I gotta get my pipe fitting crews in here." "How much?" "80 grand, minimum." "Jesus Christ on a crutch." "And there's no other alternative?" "You can always have the girls take shorter showers." "Well, that seems like a reasonable solution." "Solution?" "That's not a solution." "It's a bullshit stopgap." " This needs to be addressed." " And it will be." "But we are dealing with a very serious deficit at the moment!" "As you know." "Besides, there is an approved list of vendors that we work with." "It's a security issue." "You understand." "Shit, why fix the plumbing at all?" "Let's just cut their food rations so they don't shit as much." "I will crunch the numbers and get back to you on that." "Hey, who's gonna pay me for coming out here?" " Chapman." " Can I talk to you for a minute?" "Sure." "Close the door." "Glad to see you're looking well." "Are you?" " Excuse me?" " Nothing." "Thank you." "What can I do for you?" "My grandmother is very ill." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I know that you probably don't grant furlough for things like this." "And even if you did, I don't expect you would ever give it to me." "But I could not live with myself if I did not at least ask." "Could you please give me furlough to see my grandmother?" "Furlough?" "Furlough is like the Loch Ness Monster." "Much discussed and rarely seen." "But don't you have the power to at least apply?" "I'm sorry." "There's nothing I can do to help you." "Is there something else?" "No." "No." "That's it." " You just stood there." " What?" "You stood there... while she attacked me!" "And then you gave her new teeth." "I was nowhere near the incident, as Doggett will corroborate, I assure you." "I know that I overstepped my bounds, but I could've been killed!" "Were I there to intervene, I most certainly would have." "I'm sorry about your grandmother." "Thanks for stopping by." "[woman] What do you mean?" "He's quitting?" "Because of the Black Scarecrow?" "The Black Scarecrow isn't even in his weight class, and even if he was, he has a weakness." "[crying] He has a weakness..." "What is it this time, you think?" "I don't know." "I try not to listen." "Ah, come on, there's no shame in being curious." "I wouldn't want people thinking" "I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong." "Yeah, but she could be in trouble." "Hey, the Black Scarecrow could be trying to extort her for money or something." "No, the Black Scarecrow's a wrestler." "He was supposed to wrestle her son, but he's chickening out." "I thought you didn't listen." "I couldn't help it." "She was talking about wrestling while crying!" "It doesn't take much." "I once saw her crying reading a Garfield comic." "I wish I could give her her privacy, but it's my job to stand here." "It's fine." "I mean, not everybody wants their privacy." "[sighing] I know I don't." "Yeah?" "Yeah, well, you know, I like privacy, but not alone privacy." "I'm not sure what that means." "It means I work in electrical, so I know all the spots where the cameras don't work." "You know, if you're ever feeling curious about other things." "Do you have a phone call to make?" "Because if not, I suggest you move on." " Hey, now, Fischer..." " Now, inmate!" "Heh?" "All right." "Jeez." "But if he brings his own chair, he can really hurt him." "He can win!" "And return glory to our family." "Ugh." " Oh, man!" " What is it?" "Salt." "They gave us special trays." "Chili shitting' bitches!" "Man!" "They fuckin' with us this way 'cause they know our people's predisposition for hypertension." "Man, they tryin' to kill us." "Well, what do y'all expect?" "Don't fuck with the cooks." " [all laughing]" " What?" "Hey!" "Why I got it like that?" "I didn't even do nothing." "They're grouping us all together!" "It's called racism, slow bird." "What, was you just born or something?" "Shut up!" "The secret is pretend the salt is sugar." "So, Bennett, I got a question." "Would you rather live in a house with a cracked foundation or one across from a parking lot where the lights never go off?" "Neither." "But what if nothing else is in your price range?" "Hey!" "I want a new tray." "Sorry." "You get what you get." "Bullshit!" "You can't mess with my food!" "I wasn't part of that shit!" "Janae, calm down." "Inmate." "Hey!" "You cannot do that!" "Fuck!" "[Janae] Get off me!" "[Bennett] Shut up!" " Are you all right?" " Yeah." "Get him off me!" " You wanna go down the hill?" " No." "Then you cut that shit out." "You just lost commissary for a month, inmate." "You got a plan or are you only trying to start shit?" "I'm handling it." "You better." "That's my granddaughter in there." "_" " _ - _" " _ - _" "_" "_ [continues speaking Spanish]" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_ [door closes]" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" " Gloria Mendoza?" " Yeah." " This is your business?" " Yeah." "Miss Mendoza, I have a warrant for your arrest." "You're under arrest for fraud." " What?" " Put your hands behind your back." "_ [speaking English] Get her out of here." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_ [sobbing]" "[playing rock music]" "Give me a shot and a beer." "It's $10." " [Albert] All right." "Thank you." "Thank you." " [audience cheers]" "We've got Gabe Ronley on drums." "Got Joe Caputo on bass." "John Glickman on guitar." "I'm Albert Roth and we are Side Boob." "This next song is called The Sorcerers." "Otherwise known as John Glickman is a Pedophile." "[singing]" "We go to prison 20% longer for the same crimes as white people." "They can stop and frisk us whenever they want, and now, when some bitch fucks with our food," "I'm the one who gets thrown on the ground?" "This shit ain't right." "And don't forget they took your commissary." "Be angry." "Y'all need to be angry." "Man, I would say we go on hunger strike, but that shit's already happening." "[woman] Yo, tortilla chick!" "Oh!" "Look like somebody took a wrong turn on the way to the barrio." "You and me in the bathroom, now." " I'll come with you." " I got this." "No, she shouldn't go alone." "No, she'll be fine." "Heel." "Yeah, I put money on our girl over that beanbag bitch any day." "I don't know, man." "Mendoza be on that coconut magic." "She's like a bruja and shit." "I'll show her some coconut magic." "Put a coconut in my sock." "Wham!" "Sock a nut, bitch!" "I'm just playing." "You must got some real big feet." "The fucking best song in this fucking band..." "You wanna know what it is?" "Is the one with the guys working in the fucking mine." "[laughs]" "That fucking song is like a classic fucking song." "That fucking song is a song you hear on the fucking radio." "Actually, that song is not about workers in the mine." " What do you mean?" " No, it's a metaphor." "Al wrote it about his vasectomy reversal." " No shit!" " Seriously." "[laughing]" "Hey, you guys got a CD?" "Please tell me you got a fucking CD." "Look at this." "[announcer] What do you look for in a state senator?" " Mr. Fig." " [laughs] Mr. Fig." "[Caputo] "Look, the reason I'm the only one with a helmet" ""is 'cause I'm richer than you."" "[Healy] "Hammering that nail was hard." "I'm pooped."" "[Caputo] "Whee!"" "There she is." "[Healy] Behind every strong man is a strong, cunt-faced witch monster." "Let's get to work!" ""Let's get to work."" "Let me ask you something." "When you first started, Fig wasn't there, right?" "You talked directly to the warden?" "Yeah." "It was great." "Actually, he was fucking terrifying." "But at least when you talked to him, you were talking to a guy." "I hate talking about women's issues to women." "It's creepy." "When you talked to him, did he give a shit?" "Because I would really like to report to someone who I felt gave a shit about these women we're meant to be taking care of." " You want a tissue?" " No, I don't want a fucking tissue." " I'm serious." " Yeah?" "All right." "I mean, think about the fucked up year we're having." "We are failing here." "I can't even get approval to fix the fucking toilets." " I'm sorry, man." " That's all right." "I mean, the least we should do is keep these women safe and clean." "You know, you're right." "You're right." " At least clean." " At least clean." "At least the women in the kitchen." "At least those women in the kitchen." "Keep 'em fucking clean." "Fuckin' A. Keep them fucking clean." "Gloria, I was hoping that we could be friends." "You wanna fuck with me?" "You don't wanna fuck with me." "I gave you cigarettes." "And I gave you cake." "But that don't mean that we're friends." "And those cigarettes?" "They were fucking stale." "Listen, can we just talk about this like responsible..." "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm not talking to you." "I'm telling you." "If any of your girls touches any of mine, there's gonna be more than salt in your food next time." " Gloria..." " You understand me?" "Gloria, I don't want any trouble with you." "I've been telling them, "Let's just go use the Spanish bathroom."" "Suzanne can clean it." "And then she'll like that." "And then you and your girls could just take the ghetto bathroom." "I'm on your side." "Oh, you were gonna give us the bathroom?" "Bullshit, mama!" "Because you?" "You don't got no bathroom to give." "[sobs]" "Oh, no, man." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "I'm too old for this shit." "I'm just too old for this shit." "That's what's wrong with me!" "Listen, hey, I don't even know these girls, okay?" "And they want me to be some kind of den mother, right?" "And I'm trying to work with you and all you're trying to do is run over me." "I'm trying to give you the bathroom, okay?" "I'm a good talker... but I can't sell this shit unless you give me something." " You gotta give me something." " Like what?" "Taystee and Watson have been talking about wanting to get transferred to custodial." " Custodial?" " Yeah." "They wanna be with their girl, that girl Cindy." "I mean, you..." "There're a couple of Spanish girls in custodial." "Maybe you could talk to Caputo and, you know, have them transferred to the kitchen." "Maybe I could work with that." "Huh?" "Oh, fuck, come on, man." "Fine." "Show me you could clear the bathroom, and then I'll talk to Caputo." "And get yourself together 'cause, Jesus, I didn't even fucking hit you." "[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]" "Mr. Healy, you wanted to see me?" "Door." "I'm submitting you for a three-day furlough." "There are no guarantees, but I'm gonna do my best to try to push it forward." "I'm assuming that you're gonna be staying with your fiancé." "I need to write down an address." "Yes." "Of course." "Would you like to call him to make sure?" "I'll call right away." "Thank you, Mr. Healy." "I think it's only fair we give it a shot." "It's the least we can do." "And, Chapman." "I'm responsible for you." "Hey!" "Joe!" "What's up, Healy?" "I had a lot of fun last night." "You guys were amazing." "Right, thanks for coming out." "I need you to sign this work transfer." "I'm moving a couple of girls from custodial." "Flores and Sanchez." "Okay." "But won't that leave custodial shorthanded?" "Yeah, we'll figure that out." "Mendoza needs help in the kitchen." "Okay." "I'm already looking forward to next Tuesday." " Right." " Side Boob Tuesdays." " Thanks, Healy." " Good seeing you, Capu dawg." "Chang, are you confirming these bangs, or are you just taking her word for it?" "I don't smell fingers." "I just write numbers." "She got five points." "You, zilcho." "All right, it's been three days." "I mean, unless she's cloning herself, that seems highly unlikely." "It's just a game, Nichols." "Yeah, but it's not a game unless it's being played fairly." "What's that smell?" "Nichols, you got a new fragrance?" "[sniffs]" "Oh, yeah, it's desperation." "You might wanna wash because girls turn right off when they smell that." "My finger smells like an old tennis ball." "God, I screwed myself." "I mean, two days I wasted on Officer Twat Tease." " You were too ambitious." " I was arrogant." "It's a classic story of hubris." "I'm like Icarus whose wings melted before he could fuck the sun." "You could always tell people she got herpes." "It's good, isn't it?" "Eh?" "People always forget to remember I'm tricksy, huh?" "It ain't over yet." " Ah, it's not over till it's over." " Oh, I love that song." "But herpes is way too pedestrian." "Maybe I'll say it's that new super gonorrhea." "Oh, yeah, I read about that." " Excuse me, sir?" " Oh, Fischer." "Good morning." "Good morning, sir." "Do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Of course." "It's about our surveillance." "If it's about our video cameras, they all work." "That's what you should tell the inmates." "Oh, no, it's about our phones." "Do we have anyone who monitors inmate calls?" "Well, it's all recorded in a computer." "We only review it when there's a reason." "Don't you think we should do random check-ins?" "Yes." "And we do." "Again, they should think we do." "But it's not exactly a priority." "And half of those conversations are in Spanish." "Yo hablo español muy bueno, sir." "[chuckles] [cell phone ringing]" "[ringing continues]" "Hello?" "An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you." "To accept this call, please press "One."" " Larry?" " Yes." "Is everything all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, everything's fine." "Is this a good time?" "Of course." "My dad, he told me about Chicago and the SHU." "God, Piper, I'm so sorry." "It's not your fault." "Are you sure that this is a good time?" "It sounds like you're going somewhere." "No, no." "I'm heading home." "I was with Polly." "We finally had a bag-nut." "What's a bag-nut?" "It's like a bagel crossed with a donut." "It's this big craze right now." "We had to wait in line for, like, two hours for it." "Turns out it's a bagel with frosting on it." "I forgot what's it like to have all that freedom to waste." "Yep." "I waste my freedom, but I bring my own cup to Stumptown." "[chuckles]" "Piper, why didn't you call sooner?" "We broke up?" "And I guess I've been imagining I could be this person who doesn't depend on anybody." "Or lets anybody depend on me." "It's nice to hear your voice." "Yeah, it's nice to hear your voice." "I've missed you." "I've missed you, too, Larry." "Oh..." "It's not that bad." "Man!" "Now we don't have to share with anyone." "Segregation." "Awesome." "Separate, but way shittier." "Well, this is better in the long run." "Our own bathroom that we control." ""Showers will be limited to 30 seconds"?" "Man, I can't even wash my twat in that amount of time." " What?" "Vee!" " Trust me, baby girl." "Man, I don't care." "As long as I don't have to wait in line anymore." "I get one more shot for being late, I'm back in SHU." "I can't fucking handle that." "You late, I'm late." "Maybe black folk do got a problem with bein' punctual." "Taystee, Watson, about your work assignments." "Gonna be a little change." " So she's one today?" " Yeah." "Why don't nobody bring her to visit?" "What, from Massachusetts?" "Forget it." "You see, I told you you're lucky your boyfriend's so close." "Her kids are in Massachusetts and Gloria's kids is all the way in fucking Florida." " Really?" " Yeah." "Two boys are with their tía." "Two older girls are still in New York." "But they never visit." " You guys wanna see this?" " Yeah." "All right." "I got the wax from melting crayons and Dayanara drew the picture of St. Anthony." "You pray to him for protection and strength and justice." "For us and for baby." "Juliana-Fernanda." " What's the orisha name for Saint Anthony?" " Orisha?" "You know, all the saints had, like, stage names for the booga-booga gods, 'cause, you know, the plantation owners, they didn't want the slaves worshipping no more." "The orisha is named Eleggua." " Yo, how'd you make the wick?" " I'll give you one guess." "Do you really, like, believe in this?" "Like, for real?" " You Catholic?" " Yeah." "Well, this is Catholic plus." "Look, my tía says it doesn't matter if you're praying to a giant cross or to a itty bitty stick, it's the faith that you put in it that counts." "Yeah, but do you believe in, like, spells and magic and shit?" "I believe I can use all the help I can get." "You're getting new girls in the kitchen?" " You're not allowed back here." " Did you put in a request?" "What if I did?" "We need the extra help to keep up with the demand." "She put you up to this." " She?" " Vee." "You got the scuttlebutt ass backwards, Red." "Gloria went in there and told that bitch what's what." "She played you." "You have no idea what you've done." "[sighs] [man speaking indistinctly on PA]" "We're gonna start prepping for dinner." "Wait." "Aren't you supposed to keep it lit?" "You kidding?" "This shit is dangerous." "[gasps]" "[exclaims]" "[grunting]" "No." "No, no, no, no!" "No!" "No!" "No, no!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "[flames surge]" "[screaming]" "[upbeat music playing]" "For more new Episodes go to G2G.fm"