"♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "Ow!" "Watch it!" "Roger!" "You know the rules:" "If you want to leave the house, you have to wear a disguise." "I know, but you left so quickly and my cape was still in the dryer" " I panicked." "Roger, there's a whole floor in that CIA building back there dedicated to looking for you!" "Well, then, they should check J-Date." "I'm listed as Mike Saperstein." "And let me tell ya," "Saps pulls in a ton of J-V." "Stay down!" "Someone might see you!" "What are you doing down there?" "!" "Pretending I'm a boa constrictor." "What's going on with you?" "Why you being so clingy?" "Oh, I don't know, maybe it's something in the air." "Your calf is so soft." "This isn't how I imagined middle age." "Baths are so great, cause the toilet's right there, you know?" "No stress." "Speaking of..." "So, where are we going?" "I'm going to school." "Ooh!" "Sounds fun!" "Hey, I bet I can guess what's in your lunch just by sitting on it." "A carrot?" "♪ Travel down the road ♪" "♪ And back again ♪" "They're such good friends." "♪ Your heart is true ♪" "Such a close bond." "♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪" "Just like you and me, right, Klaus?" "You're smooshing me, bro!" "You're smooshing me!" "♪ And if you threw a party... ♪" "All right, family meeting." "I'm worried about Roger." "Thank you for saying something." "It's like he can't be by himself anymore." "I know!" "He even followed me to school one day." "It was against the rules!" "I mean, sure, it made the children laugh and play." "Yeah, I've been having an issue with him, too." "Hugs, not drugs." "That's what I say." "I'm also on drugs." "Well, get off!" "I need to go to the mall." "Oh!" "I want to go to the mall!" "Oh, please, let me go with you!" "Please, please...!" "Fine." "Great!" "Let's play that game where we see what stores let us use their employee bathroom." "The one spot in the store all their own and we take it." "Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear." "Hey!" "If he doesn't like it, he can say something." "That's why I gave him three mouths." "Well, that's not why..." "Do you smell that?" "It's probably all that young tail in Forever 21." "No..." "This way." "We have to go this way." "Roger, what's going on?" "!" "I'm not sure." "I just..." "sense something." "This way." "I got to see where that guy's going." "This is just a park!" "Thanks for wasting my day, buttholes!" "Hey, where's that squirrel going?" "We're in the middle of nowhere!" "What are you looking for?" "I don't know!" "But it's through that drainage pipe." "I'm not going in there." "But it's my destiny." "Would you deny me my destiny, Francine?" "!" "Or, I suppose we could just walk over this tiny hill." "Welp..." "I found that missing runner." "An alien ship!" "Of course!" "This is why I've been all worked up!" "Hello!" "I-Is anyone in there?" "Help!" "I crashed and I don't have a boyfriend!" "Do you know her?" "Oh, right, cause all aliens know each other." "Yeah, racist." "Oh..." "Stan..." "We have something to show you." "This is... and..." "This is my husband, Stan." "Oh, my God." "You have such a beautiful home." "What the hell is that?" "!" "Stan, be nice." "It's an alien." "She's why I've been acting so weird and needy lately." "She crashed near here a few days back and I've been vibing on her lady pheromones." "I smelled him, too." "I think that's why I crashed here." "Oh, my God." "I'm so into you." "Aw, look, Stan... new love." "Well, good." "Then you'll die happy." "No, Stan!" "What are you doing?" "!" "It's hard enough having one alien around, Francine." "I'm sorry, but she's got to go." " Stan, you just got to let..." " stay." "Please, have I ever asked you for anything?" "All you do is ask me for things." "Just the other day, you told me if I didn't bring home tomato juice, you'd kill yourself." "I was down to 24 cans!" "Look... and Roger have a unique bond, Stan." "Like you and me." "Can't you see that?" "Yeah, that's really stupid, Francine, but... maybe I am overreacting a bit." "I mean, if the CIA had any intel about an alien on the loose," "I-I'd know about it." "Anything yet?" "It's definitely an extraterrestrial spacecraft, sir." "Or, maybe it's a refrigerator that fell off an airplane." "You think everything's a refrigerator that fell off an airplane." "It happens!" "No, it's a spacecraft and it was piloted by... something... and we will not rest until we find that something." "But what if we get tired?" "Tired?" "Did you know that P. Diddy only sleeps four hours a night?" "Like I've always said, let's run the CIA Diddy style:" "He's up all night designing sweatpants, picking colors, textures, various velours." "Piping here, double pockets there, his mind is a volcano." "I swear to you, sir, we will capture this P. Diddy and bring him to your feet!" "I can't wait!" "So... tell us a little about yourself." "I like long walks in the blistering suns." "And playing in the sulfuric rain." "But my favorite thing to do is..." "Um... if you'll excuse me," "I'm gonna take... upstairs and all over her." "You know what?" "Let's go out to eat." "I feel like I can still hear it." "We are still hearing it, Stan." "Oh... geez, so... you were in here last night?" "I tried to look away, but I couldn't." "It was so horrible." "Like looking at the ass of God." "Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the show, because it won't be happening again." "I am over her." "You're over her?" "!" "But you seemed perfect for one another." "Eh, not really." "When we're doing it, she makes this little clicking noise-- click, click, click-- barely hear myself groaning." "I can't be with someone like that." "Oh, I see what's happening, bro." "It's the old hit it and quit it, bro." "She is gonna be devastated, bro." "Oh, please." "She knew the dealio when she hooked up with the R-Dog." "Wa-Wa-Wait." "She also slept with Ricky from Walgreens?" "No, I'm the R-Dog." "I don't know." "He has a tattoo that says, "R-Dog"" "I'm the R-Dog!" "All right!" "All right!" "You're the R-Dog!" "When Ricky's not around." "Anyway, I'm not worried about..." "She knows things between us are totally "caj."" "Roger's the one." "I finally found the creature" "I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with." "So romantic!" "Mmm." "These pancakes are terrific." "Well, breakfast is the most important meal of the "fatubeadoop."" "I see you started breakfast without me." "Didn't know this was motel lobby rules." "Good morning, sexy." "Somebody was a little hair-puller last night, wasn't he?" "I wasn't so much hair pulling, as I was just trying to find... something..." "Like, what are the hairs growing out of?" "Like a base." "You know, I don't know," "I just knew I'd know what it was when I found it." "Oh, Roger, we just love..." "Uh, yeah, she's terrific." "Plus, she hasn't seen The Wire and I love to turn people on to The Wire." "Speaking of turn-ons..." "Okay, before this concrete hardens..." "Um, can we have a talk?" "So... the thing is... uh, I've kind of lived in this attic for a long time... by myself" "Stop." "I totally get it." "You don't want me to move in here and make your bachelor pad all girly." "Wait, what?" "!" "But don't worry, the idea is to make it reflect us." "I mean, as a couple." "I was thinking, pink plaid." "Oh, that's actually perfect, but about the "couple" thing" "I know!" "I don't want to spend another minute on this big blue marble without you." "I feel exactly the same way, but the opposite." "We're breaking up." "What?" "!" "Why?" "'Cause..." "I'm... seeing someone else." "I don't believe you." "Uh... wait here." "♪ El perro, el perro ♪" "No, you're the piñata!" "I'm gonna poke you with a stick!" "You wanted proof:" "I got 280 pounds of proof right here." "And that's not a dig on her." "In her culture, being heavy is a sign of being rich or whatever." "Don't tell me, you'd pick her... over this." "This is too weird, I'm out of here." "Catalina, wait!" "She's leaving, I swear!" "Great." "You happy?" "She's gone." "My girlfriend is gone." "Roger, we're supposed to be together." "I just know it." "And if you just give us a chance, you'll know it, too." "Yeah." "You know what?" "Let's give it another shot." "How about I take you to a romantic BB for the weekend?" "Oh, Roger, you really mean it?" "♪ And I'm... ♪" "♪ Ready to take a chance again ♪" "♪ Ready to put my love ♪" "♪ On the line ♪" "♪ With you ♪" "♪ Been living with nothing to show for it ♪" "♪ You get what you give when you go for it ♪" "♪ And I'm ready to take a chance again with you... ♪" "I'm sorry, son." "Cop killer!" "I don't understand." "I thought you guys... were good." "What is it, Charles?" "Sir, I'm sorry for calling." "It's fine, what is it?" "The council meeting has been pushed to Thursday." "And the governor called to send his condolences and to say how happy he was with how you handled the Marietta case." "Charles, why are you calling?" "Um... well, Wyatt Borden called." "What?" "!" "You know I want nothing to do with that scumbag." "Sir!" "The election is in two months and your campaign needs some big money." "I don't care!" "Wyatt Borden's company is the worst chemical dumper in the state!" "I'm not gonna protect him after I become attorney general." "I'd rather lose the election than get in bed with that devil!" "Tommy, help!" "Somebody help!" "Oh, God." "I'll be right down." "Somebody help me!" "Yes?" "Wyatt." "This is Vincent Edmunds." "Mmm... what a pleasant surprise." "We see big things for you, young Vincent." "Is that right?" "Indeed!" "In fact, someday," "I'd rather not call you Vincent at all, but rather..." "Mr. President." "I know I need a disguise, but won't it look strange, you checking into a romantic BB with your dog?" "Well, if anyone asks," "I'll just explain that I'm banging my dog." "That should stop the questions." "Oh, Roger, you have a plan for everything." "Yes, I do." "We'll be arriving at the bed and breakfast soon." "I'm just gonna pull over, so we can stock up on snacks." "I love that idea." "We won't need to leave our room the entire weekend." "Actually, it's one of those Euorpean-style places, so we'll be pooing' down the hall." "This is Raven Talon Cougar Panther." "Are we a go?" "Sure thing." "I got that alien you folks been looking for." "Just like I said I would." "I'll drop her at the bed and breakfast in ten minutes." ""For a good time, call..."" "Well, okay!" "Hi, it's Roger, leave me a message." "Hi." "Um, I don't usually call these things and like, there's no way you could know this about me, but I like always do the responsible thing." "I'm Mr. Play-It-Safe." "But I just told myself," ""Out of your box, Roger!"" "You know, if not now, when?" "!" "It's time to start living, 'cause-'cause this just in:" "Nobody ever said on their deathbed," ""I wish I hadn't called that truck stop phone number."" "Oh, my God, I feel like I'm rambling." "I-I-I'm rambling, listen to me!" "But anyways, I'm here at the wall, right now." "Are you within striking distance or what?" "So..." "I guess, yeah, give me a call, it'll be fun." "What did I do?" "!" "What did I do?" "!" "What did I do?" "!" "No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine!" "Oh, voicemail!" "Oh...!" "Oh, I am gonna give it to this guy." "Walk faster, I miss you." "Well, I'm coming as fast as I can!" "Mm-yello?" "Roger, Bullock got a tip about your girlfriend." "He's assembling a strike force to capture her." "Whatever you do, don't leave the house." "Yeah." "How important is that last part?" "Because not only are we out of the house and headed to that bed and breakfast but it was me who called in the tip to Bullock." "Who's gasping out there?" "!" "Stop it!" "You called in the tip?" "!" "Yeah." "I tried to break up with her, but she wasn't getting the message." "But Roger, if the CIA gets her, she'll be dissected!" "Only after they finish interrogating her and her stories... never... end." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And did you think for a minute about what's gonna happen when she blabs about us?" "!" "I did, Stan, I thought about it for a minute and then a horn honked, distracting me." "But that doesn't change the fact" "To whom am I speaking?" "!" "And to what have I been saying?" "!" "Roger, whatever you do, don't give her to them." "Right." "Right." "Got it." "Roger, where are you going?" "The bed and breakfast is the other way." "Yeah, there's been a change of plans." "What?" "Why?" "Are they overbooked?" "No, I'm under-interested." "Listen I'm sorry... but this trip was a mistake." "It's time we go our separate ways." "What?" "!" "I thought you were giving us a chance." "Nope!" "Now look, you invested a little time in this, too, so, how about... 20... $24?" "That-that sound fair to you?" "That sounds fair to me." "Unbelievable." "I think you're a super lady!" "Blow it out your ass!" "I have a feeling" "I'm gonna regret letting that get away;" "My favorite fake dog nose." "Weapons armed, men!" "We should arrive at the BB in T-minus..." "Wait a tic, look at that beautiful dog." "Oh..." "I want a dog!" "It's the alien!" "Intercept!" "Oh, no!" "Attagirl, lose 'em in the woods, you'll be safe there." "Ah, crap." "Attention, alien creature!" "Do you speak English?" "Yes!" "Really?" "Wow!" "That's weird." "Anyway, prepare to be captured!" "Yep, captured." "In a net." "Which we'll launch at you." "With a net gun." "Just takes a minute to warm up." "How the hell am I supposed to take down a CIA helicopter?" "Wait!" "If I take these twigs, this small rock and my bubble gum..." "Okay, this'll be simple." "I just have to pretend I'm Dick Cheney and that helicopter is my friend's face." "Not the most timely reference, but it's not my fault more current people aren't shooting their friends in the face." "Don't take... another step." "No!" "Alien stealer!" "You came back for me." "I knew you loved me." "You know, people are gonna ask us why we're back together." "But I just feel like that's our business, you know?" "We don't have to explain our love to anyone." "They're all just jealous, anyway-- jealous that we have the kind of love that's greater than anything in the entire galaxy." "And that's how I became Kim Kardashian." ""And that's how she became Kim Kardashian."" "The end."