"Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Thank you so much for coming to the taping of our television show!" "Thanks for coming." "It's so exciting." "It's really exciting." "It's really exciting." "Ah, so just, you know, even if it's not funny, laugh." "If we stop talking, laugh." "Oh, she's so excited, she's leaning in, like, "Ah, what's gonna happen next?"" "More of this." "It's more of this, sloppy guys just trying to say words." "Sloppy guy, really, guy who's in great shape." "Sort of a scumbag, just kind of a champion of the people." "Full of himself..." "But deservedly so..." "like really earned his arrogance." "The other guy..." "Hey." "This is like a regular Meltdown show, Kumail and Jonah doing a tight 45 up top." "But don't worry, it's riffed, so" "Travel stories..." "Yeah, fun travel stories." "Yeah, the one that comes to mind first for me is, I was in Oklahoma." "I went to a barbeque place and they had an amazing barbeque sauce." "And they had a really spicy barbeque sauce called 911 Sauce." "The spiciest one." "The spiciest one, yes, for sure." "And so I put a bunch of the sauce in my bag, and tried to go through security... forgetting that you can't take liquids." "And then the guy is like-- he's like, "We gotta check your bag."" "I was like, "Oh, god, the sauce, that's right."" "And he opens it up and I had like four of these things." "and he's like, "What's this?"" "And I was so nervous, that I was like, "Oh-- oh, that's 911 Sauce."" "You tried to catch the words, like 911 Sauce, no!" "Yeah, yes." "Oh!" "No, no ,no!" "This is the ingredients for the 911 I'm gonna make happen." "Yeah, exactly, because it's so hot, you'll never forget." "Why did you look at me when you said that?" "Fucking white people, right?" "Right?" "Oh, no." "Yes." "There's gotta be... you're something else." "Right there!" "Right in front of you, Kumail." "Hey!" "Look at this guy!" "Hah-hah, what's your name, sir?" "Nerov, love this guy." "Let me guess, India?" "Uh, security, could you, uh-- Yeah." "Okay, I feel like that was a big laugh." "They might end it." "Are you guys ready for an awesome show?" "JONAH (O.S.):" "Please, everybody, welcome..." "KUMAIL (O.S.):" "Pete Holmes!" "I remember when I was like a small boy." "I was one of those small boys, and I went-- and I went with my family to see a play... because that's what you do." "And I went-- why am I Norm McDonald?" "Eh, 'cause, eh" "My-- my-- parents, you know they took me to a play, eh, eh." "Eh, eh" "Norm McDonald as a zombie." "Eh-- okay." "Just riffing' bits, havin' fun." "A lot of the faces are in the crowd, they're like, "Throw it into gear," right?" "I'd really-- I'd really rather not." "Eh" "Is the Meltdown cricket happening?" "Can we-- can we hold-- get some audio of that?" "( CRICKET CHIRPING )" "Best room in LA, but we have a" "We have a goddamn cricket." "We've never found this cricket." "It's an in-house cricket." "The lord himself comes to heckle the comedians here." "If you take a pause, maybe you try something new, like a Norm McDonald zombie character... that doesn't do so well, there will be a goddamn motherfucking cricket... there to catch you." "You just-- you went like this, you went" "I don't know if it was swearing or you don't like cricket humor, it's fine." "I just" " I brought you some candies I was so excited for you to try." "And then, because I had to do this, I just ate them." "They were butterscotch camerals." "You were stressed out" "Caramels?" "Camerals." "I'm off" " I'm off porn." "I'm off pornography." "I felt some people groan." "That's fine, if you like pornography, it's not for any moral or ethical reason." "If you like porn, go with God." "Yeah, get God involved in that mess." "Uh, I had a good run." "I enjoyed it for a good, long stint." "But even if you love porn, I think we can all agree... when you're in your dark bedroom, no light except for the laptop screen... still wearing your fucking weird Dad-black socks... and uh, you know, eh" "You're not-- you're not at your best." "Can we agree that's not on the highlight reel of your life?" "Just kind of being like, "What if I was at the orgy?"" "You're not..." "you're not there." "You're just doing dick theater." "You're trying to trick with lotion, like "Eh-- at the same time!"" "It's fucking-- don't act like you haven't done that, synching it up." "He looks like he's almost done." "It's fucking pathetic." "Oh, you backed away for that?" "How dare you?" "How dare you?" "I'm the only one that tried to synch up the climaxes?" "You fucking children!" "You liars, how dare you lie as a group?" "It's like-- all right, this actually happened recently." "It's one of the reasons I was all-- is I was jerking it to porn-- oh, god." "I was jerking it to the porn, and right when I came-- I'm sorry." "But right when I came, I didn't give the order to exclaim this... but I came and just as I came, I went, "N'ah... not worth it!"" "It just c" "You can just feel that that's true, right?" "There's no way I made that up." "I'm like, "Eh-- not worth it!" It just came out." "Not worth it, not feeling like a piece of shit all day." "Eh-- it was in the morning, too." "It was in the morning." "I was like meeting friends." "I was like, "I had a shame day."" "You know what I mean?" "It's like a bad-- not worth it!" "Hey, guys." "Yes!" "Brody!" "Pete Holmes, you got it!" "Feel it!" "Yeah, in the Valley..." "Push." "I was in The Hangover." "Well, I don't talk about that anymore, but I was." "Why don't you do that anymore?" "That's the old Brody." "I'm gonna do this-- what do you think about this joke?" "I'll do it here, and then I'll do it out there." "Here it is." "Uh, my television show, "Enjoy it!" it actually got reviewed on Rotten Tomatoes." "My TV show got reviewed on Rotten Tomatoes." "It got four pickles." "Ha-ha-ha!" "No, nothing?" "All right, four pickles is funny." "It got a laugh in the dressing" "I didn't know four pickles was good." "Way to hate, guys." "I'm gonna wing it, fuck it." "You got it!" "Positive push!" "I'm feeling great!" "I'm intense, I get road rage at a car wash." "I've done it." "Give me wax!" "Under armel-- what is it?" "Okay, Under Armour." "Whatever!" "I made a mistake!" "Edit it out!" "Two VCRs and a Pause button, I'm Robert Rodriguez... from Austin, Texas, home of South by Southwest!" "We're in Hollywood." "I'm from the Valley." "818 'til I die." "You got it!" "I'll take you up to Mulholland." "Okay, I'll take you up to Mulholland-- okay, stay w-- stop it!" "I got a lot of things going on in my head!" "I sleep on an air mattress." "It's depressing..." "literally." "There's a hole in it." "I'm back!" "I'm back!" "Yes!" "Boom!" "Right there!" "Where'd you go to high school?" "Chicago." "You got it!" "The big one, Chicago." "And why do you live in LA?" "I want to make things." "He wants to make things, and you couldn't do it in Chicago?" "All right, hard core, aggressive, let me bring it back down." "When my show did-- my show-- I had a show on Comedy Central." "And it actually got reviewed on Rotten Tomatoes." "Yeah, thank you." "Uh, it got four pickles, and uh" "New bit!" "New bit!" "I tried it out!" "I mean, come on, you gotta give me a chuckle based off cadence alone!" "I'm pushing it!" "I'll kick the ceiling and wake the neighbor." "I need your energy." "I'm gonna bring it down." "I like your style." "You're a good guy." "You grew up here in LA." "Hey, it's okay." "What high school did you go to?" "Pittsfield in Massachusetts." "Okay-- son of a bitch!" "Did you put him up to this?" "Pittsfield, Illinois?" "There's a-- is there a Pittsfield, Massachusetts?" "Only three people back me on that?" "You knew there was a Pittsfield, Massachusetts, am I correct?" "Thank you." "Sorry that I'm doing this right now." "Fuck that." "This crowd deserves me..." "not a notebook." "You deserve my energy, because I fought for this moment." "I won a contest and I got to be on this show." "Why are you clapping?" "You want me out of here?" "I guess so." "Where are you from, Illinois?" "I'm aggressive!" "I get B.O. in the shower." "Classic bit, I'll never retire it!" "Thank you very much, guys." "It went well." "I think Meltdown and Brody" "It was a nice, uh, marriage tonight." "I forgot to do my joke out there." "CAMERA GIRL (O.S.):" "Which one?" "My parents got divorced on eHarmony." "Parents... got divorced on eHarmony." "CAMERA GIRL (O.S.):" "It's good." "I like it." "I was doing shows, so people would introduce me... and I would tell them how to pronounce my name... and they would always fuck up my first name, but they'd always nail the second name." "So they would be like, "Please welcome to the stage, Kabul Nanjiani."" "But that's weird, because like Kumail's like the easier part of your name." "It sure is." "Yeah." "But people mess it up more than they should." "They nailed Nanjiani." "The worst example we had" "Yeah, we did a show in Montreal, and then like right before we got up... the guy's like, "Who do I introduce you as?"" "And we go, "Kumail and Jonah," and the guy's like, "Got it."" "Please everybody welcome Jonas and Camel." "There's a couple things to parse through there." "Yeah." "'Cause one, Jonas, I could get it, it's a name of a person." "You know for sure my name isn't Camel." "Yeah." "There's no way my brown parents saw their brown baby... and were like, "Camel," right?" "Camel." "I know you guys very well." "I've known you for a long time." "Which one is Garfunkel and which one is Oates?" "I'm Garfunkel." "Yes." "Oh, I didn't know that." "Is that-- it's official?" "Yes, well, this is why." "I have short and brown hair, and have a moustache." "But I'm working on the moustache." "Kate, you don't have a moustache." "It's going all right." "What was that?" "You don't have a moustache." "Thank you, I've been spending money not to have one." "Yeah." "It looks good." "Thank you." "I'll tell you when you have a moustache." "Thank you, thanks, I mean, yeah." "People will treat you differently, it's great." "I mean, yeah, I'm just a hairy" "It's looking good, though." "Thanks, I'm really thrilled with the results." "All my life, I've been good." "Do what my mom and dad and God say I should." "Go to church and Bible school, to live by God's rule." "So whatever people tell me, that the Bible tells me..." "I will do." "Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring." "Unlike those other girls, I got my morals in check." "It was easy to do, until I got a boyfriend... and pardon my French, but he's cute as heck." "But I made a pact to keep my hymen intact... and Jesus and I are tight." "I've learned about the birds and bees." "I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees." "'Cause the Bible says premarital sex is wrong." "But Jason says that guys can't wait that long." "I don't want to lose him to someone who'll do him." "I need to figure something out." "Well, there's a loophole in the Scripture that works really well." "So I can get him off without going to Hell." "It's my Hail Mary, full of grace." "In Jesus' name we go to fifth base." "Oh, thank you for making me holy." "And thank you for giving me holes to choose from." "And since I'm not a God-less whore, he'll have to come in the back door." "Therefore fuck me in the ass, 'cause I love Jesus." "The good lord would want it that way." "Give him that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization." "It's just between you and me." "'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see." "Oh, there's more." "There's about two and a half more minutes to this song." "Now I'm praying to the power that's the highest." "But of all of my holes, this one's the driest." "But we can't procreate if we anally copulate." "And God's okay with sodomy, but only if you're straight." "And I'm staying here no matter what." "So I'm okay with everything but" "Everything but-- everything but" "Whoa, fuck me in the ass, 'cause I love Jesus." "The good lord would want it that way." "Give me that sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization." "It's just between you and me." "'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see." "Yeah, my chastity belt has locks... but sometimes you need to think outside the box." "Thank you, guys." "Thank you, guys." "The guy version would be... she wants to be a virgin, so I put it where she poops." "She wants to be a virgin, so I put it where she poops." "I love this song." "I forgot about this song." "It was more complicated than I expected." "I wish I had a harmonica." "How about your mouth?" "There's a kazoo over there." "Do you want the kazoo?" "Do it." "Yeah, I feel like you need that." "You have to hum into it." "I thought nothing was missing until the kazoo came in." "Yeah." "Now it's perfect." "Oh, you guys..." "that was beautiful." "That was genuinely beautiful." "That was gorgeous." "That wasn't comedy beautiful, that was like moving." "Let's be having sex." "You know, travel stories don't have to be racist." "What I got, I want to get it, put it in you." "I learn all my English from Red Hot Chili Peppers." "Are those your nipples?" "No." "Oh, on the outside here?" "Y'ar the" "It's these buttons, see?" "They look like real thick-- like pregnant woman nipples." "I-- Let me see you." "Let me see you right now." "Yeah, yeah." "All right." "It's your turn, fashion show." "Before-- before y-- That's a lot of dark." "That's a lot of dark tones." "No." "21 Jump Street fucking narc trying to come in and bust up someone... but he is also wanting to meet someone, too." "Rory Scovel!" "Rory Scovel, everybody." "Thank you." "Thank you, Meltdown." "Thank you, Meltdown people." "No, no, come on, keep it going." "Those guys..." "come on, Meltdown." "I'm not kidding, let's set a record tonight." "Don't stop laughing." "Let's see if you can clap for ten straight minutes." "I'll just tell the jokes." "Don't stop clapping." "If you don't like a joke, verbally boo out loud... but do not stop clapping." "Everyone watching at home hates this moment." "They will never know what it's like to be here." "Get a camera on me!" "Stay the fuck out!" "You stay out!" "Stay the fuck out of here!" "This is our time!" "This is our time down here!" "Get out of here, stool!" "Get the fuck out of here!" "Do not stop." "Don't you fucking stop!" "I hope someone's just now turning to the channel." "They have no idea of this set up." "Guys, seriously, I have jokes to tell." "I have jokes to tell." "I have jokes to tell." "I have jokes to tell." "Always act like the mic cord is too in the way." "I have jokes." "I have done it!" "I have jokes." "I seriously have it." "Come on, all right." "Keep it going." "Do not st" "This is the longest applause I have ever seen." "This is so great." "His whole set was the applause." "Yeah, yeah." "Are you all serious right now?" "Are you all being serious right now?" "You can go out." "I fucking love you guys." "Good night!" "Are you serious?" "Are you fucking serious?" "All right, let me do an encore, let me do an encore." "Sit down, sit down." "Sit down." "Keep it going, I'll try to do one joke." "Uh... 911, in Europe, do they say 11-9?" "You know they do, and it's disrespectful." "All right, you guys have been great." "Thank you very much." "Good night." "I have never in my life seen anything like that." "Oh, my god." "That was amazing!" "Are they stopping laughing?" "Thank you so much for coming!" "Thanks so much." "That's our show!" "That's our show, guys!" "That's our show!" "Get home safe and, uh" "JONAH (O.S.):" "And, uh!" "Am I doing it?" "No, no." "Stand straight." "Lock this, right?" "And then just trust yourself, lean." "I don't trust myself." "And then shoulders." "I feel like you're just Michael Jordan going like..." ""Just dunk the basketball." "What's the problem?"" "Yeah, you see that there?"