"So there I was cruising along, happy as a clam, my beautiful wheels are shining in the sun." "I tell you, the world was my oyster." "Oysters and clams?" "Somebody's got seafood on the brain." "Hush up, girl, I ain't finished." "Thousands of fans, breathlessly waiting for "The Crying Man"" "to deliver their anthem, were about to be disappointed." "All because a "junior nutty professor" couldn't control his vortex." "Why couldn't you have pointed that thing up?" "Taken your mama with you instead of me... an innocent celebrity?" "Now you dropped us in a world where the polar icecaps must have melted and flooded San Francisco." "Quit your crying." "I didn't do it on purpose." "How many times can I say I'm sorry?" "Just keep saying it." "I'll tell you when to stop." "Just hang in there, guys." "It's almost time to slide." "Listen... provided none of us falls into the sea, provided we do actually get to an alternate Earth," "I suggest we take a vow that we will stay still and relax, no matter what the circumstances." " Agreed." " Yeah, abso-damn-lutely." "Okay, okay." "Wherever we land next, no involvement with the locals." "Do you think that we could start that policy here?" "Miss Wells, San Francisco is hundreds of feet below the surface of the ocean." "There are no "locals" here." "Then what do you call him?" "I stand corrected." "What if you could find brand new worlds right here on Earth, where anything is possible?" "Same planet, different dimension." "I found the gateway." "I can't hold on much longer." "Just 12 more seconds, Professor." "You can do it!" "Three..." " two, one..." " Quinn, hurry!" "Okay, go!" "Oof!" "Come on, old fella." "Come on, now." "Whoa!" "Oh, that felt good." "Nothing like a little exercise after a slide to get the blood circulating." "Yes!" "Why don't we get out of this fountain, before we attract more attention to ourselves?" "Yeah, these clothes we're wearing are weird enough." "Good day, sir." "Good day to you." "This planet is weird already." "How long are we gonna be stuck here?" "Six days, 14 hours, three minutes, 10 seconds." "That's not so bad." "This one's much better than the last one." "At least I'm safe and dry." "Sir." "Hello." "Why is everybody bowing?" ""Secret love tapes of Prince Harold"?" "Look out!" "Are you blind, you stupid little strumpet?" "!" "You're very lucky I don't..." "It was my fault." "Entirely my fault." "Please find it in your heart to forgive my reckless driving." "There's simply no excuse for it." "Perhaps you'd allow me the honor of making it up to you." "Our entire hotel is at your disposal." "Why don't I take you to the royal suite?" "Well... the royal suite is probably a little more than we can afford." "A "little more" than you can afford?" "Oh, you kill me, sir." "You kill me." "I meant that as a pun, of course." "Yes, well..." "the royal suite then." "What fun." "What fun." "Come." "Whatever your needs, we stand ready to meet them." "With the utmost discretion, of course." "Well, since you mention it, we could use some dry clothes and a hot meal." "Oh, certainly." "I'll have chef send up a list of his specialties immediately." "Serving you makes my life worthwhile." "This San Francisco is part of The British States of America." "The Americans lost the Revolutionary War, and they're still governed by a monarchy." "I have no problem with the Brits." "We made "Top of the Pops" over there." "More to the point, the British make a virtue of minding their own business." "With a little luck, and so long as we don't interfere with the status quo, there's no reason why we shouldn't spend our time here in blissful anonymity." "I could live spending six days in this suite." "But we're gonna have to order out." "The food here bites." "Who in their right mind would eat kidney pie?" "It says here," ""King Thomas is missing on the battlefields of France." "The Sheriff of San Francisco has been named" "'Acting Regent of the Western Americas' until Prince Harold can be crowned next week. "" "Forget about the war in France." "This is the good stuff." ""The Playboy Prince Caught in a Love Nest with Teenage Vixen and her 80-Year-Old Grandmother. "" "I can't believe people in the 20th century would actually allow themselves to be governed by a monarchy." "Oh, they are undoubtedly waiting for a precocious college kid from another world to teach them the error of their ways." "That might explain why they keep bowing to us." "TV announcer:" "And now, His Honor, Maximillian Arturo," " Sheriff of San Francisco." " Sheriff:" "We're back." "As part of my "Contract with America,"" "I have enacted a middle-class tax cut." "Starting today, you middle-income commoners will only have to pay" "74% of your gross earnings to my government... a generous 2% decrease." "So much for blissful anonymity." "What's gonna happen when they find out he ain't him?" "I don't know... and I am certainly not sticking around to find out." "Yes, but for the moment, you are still the sheriff." "There's no sense leaving empty-handed." "Sometimes, Miss Wells..." "you frighten me." "Yes, my good man." "I want a car sent around immediately." "I want you to fill the trunk with the finest cheeses and fresh fruit you have." "I want every single contemporary periodical and newspaper... and I want all the cash from your register." "Say what you like about the monarchy..." "I find it refreshing to live in a world where plastic American vulgarity has been replaced by traditional British pride in craftsmanship." "Not to mention, British engineering." "This is fascinating." "George Washington was hanged in 1779, a mere footnote in British Colonial history." "Oh, that is fascinating." "Without the inspiration provided by the Founding Fathers, none of history's other revolutionary movements were successful." "This world is run by a handful of monarchies." "You mean the French Revolution never happened?" "The Russian Revolution?" "The Chinese Revolution?" "What about the sexual revolution?" "It's always been my favorite." "We're not getting anywhere." "Let's take a break." "Well, look at the bright side, folks." "In our world, this beautiful glade is downtown Oakland." "I can't believe this Prince Harold guy." "What an idiot." "He only likes women "under 20 or over 60." And look at this... he's quoted as saying that poor people have "chosen to be poor, because otherwise, they'd be rich. "" "Now remember what we agreed." "We are just tourists." "Let's not be judgmental." "Just look at the guy." "He looks like "Alfalfa. "" "How does a guy like that get to be king, anyway?" " It's the army." " No, no, on the contrary." "In fact, history shows that military elites tend to depose rather than impose a monarchical hierarchy." "No, I mean it's the army." "Soldier:" "This is a restricted area." "Stay exactly where you are." "Now this is like downtown Oakland." "Keep your hands where I can see them." "Sheriff, I didn't expect to see you here." "Ah." "Well... now you see me." "Are you here to oversee the operation?" "Well, that sort of thing." "We've got shotgun shells, so there'll be no question that it's a hunting accident." " Very good." " Sir, are these people...?" "Er, ahem..." "Do you want to ride with us so you can witness it firsthand?" "Oh, I..." "I have made my own arrangements, thank you so much." "Carry on." "Yes, sir." "Target?" "Sounds like they're planning to ambush some guy in the woods." "They're setting up a murder." "We're tourists." "Not our problem." "I know we decided not to interfere, but come on..." "these guys mean business." "Good God!" "Stay down." "I will deal with this." "What's going on?" "Who are you people?" "Hold your fire!" "Those sheriff's deputies were gonna whack you, buddy." "Oh, my God..." "Quinn, Quinn!" "Don't you know who this is?" "Tell him who you are." "Harold III, Prince of the Americas, heir to the British throne... of course." "And you are...?" "Hey, look..." "things could be worse." "We got a new best friend and he's gonna be king." "That's got to be good, don't you think?" "Except for the fact that we're in the middle of a plot to assassinate him," "I couldn't agree more." "Let's just deposit him somewhere safely, and move on, eh?" "No involvement high or low." "Sheriff, I'm getting rather hungry." " Should we head back to the estate?" " Now, listen to me." "I've told you this once before," "I do not want to tell you it again," "I am not your sheriff!" "There is a certain superficial resemblance and that is all." "Indeed... and I am not Prince Harold, and this is not my game reserve." "And you are not long for this Earth." "What the devil?" "Stripped clean." "Where's the timer?" "It's in my pocket." "Move it!" "Sheriff... do something." "Not now, Harold." ""'My, my, my,' said the spider to the fly. "" "Look who's wandered into Raider territory." ""Raiders"?" "You're not the "Oakland Raiders"?" "If you know who we are, little brother, why are you stupid enough to come down here?" "Because we've been looking for you... to join your fight." "Easy words to say at the point of a gun." "I'll prove it." "I bring you, as prisoners" "The Prince of Greater Britain and the Sheriff of San Francisco." "Oh, wait, wait." "I'm not..." "Take them!" "I am not..." "Listen to me... they're worth more to us alive than dead." " Quiet!" " What is it you want, justice?" " Food and shelter?" " We want our brothers and sisters out of jail!" "As long as these hostages are alive, the government will give us anything we want." " And the sheriff knows it." " We'll see about that." " Do it right now." " Follow me up." "I don't understand." "What do these people want with us?" "It has something to do with avenging social injustice." "Why?" "What have I ever done to them?" "Try this... you are disgustingly rich and they are pathetically poor." "But how?" "You told me America has the highest gross national product of all the colonies." "I told you no such thing!" "L... oh... oh, let's forget public policy." "Let's concentrate on staying alive, shall we?" "How's it going in there?" "They're debating whether to hang you now or chop you to pieces." "Or hold off until all political prisoners are released from prison." "The important thing is we have to keep everyone together" " until we can get to the slide." " That's five days from now." "Sheriff?" "What is she whispering about?" "Oh, explain to this blithering idiot, will you?" "Just relax." "Your Highness, I apologize for the inconvenience." "We're going to do everything that we can to guarantee your safety." "I promise... even if it means we have to take him with us." "Would you mind sitting still?" "Sorry." "Sheriff:" "Now I know people say," ""Sheriff, you're the only point of view we'll ever need. "" "But today I want to do something different." "I want to throw open the last segment of our show to my critics." "Now, I want this to be a genuine exchange of views." "Whatever you think about the king, his policies, or me, his humble servant, well, now's the time to get it off your chest." "All right, who's going to be first?" "I think you're doing a great job." "I love the new format." "Thank you." "And welcome back, Ms. Miller." "But frankly, you look terrible." "Have you lost weight?" "Well, I'm sorry that I'm looking terrible." "Especially to you." "I know what it is... it's the strain of working around the clock covering up for the prince." "I know that you're doing the best that you can, sir, but it's the prince's fault." "All our tax money going for his coronation, his girlfriends... there's nothing left for the little people." "Everyone knows that I am the servant of His Royal Highness and of his appetites." "He is royalty, I am a public servant." "You're too kind." "You're too generous." "Let's have a big hand for Ms. Miller." "You know, there are moments like this when you sense the goodness of the people of America." "Thank you, ma'am." "All right, we've got time for one more question." "Sir?" "Welcome." "L... believe that... taxation should be limited to what's necessary for services rendered by the government for the people." "And furthermore, I think the Oakland Raiders have it right when they say that the people should be allowed to govern themselves." "The monarchy should keep it..." "Well, sir, I'm afraid the people have answered for me." "Which is, of course, why..." " everything I say..." " Recorded audience: "Is right!"" "Soldier:" "Let's go." "Cut!" "Hendrick!" "He criticized my taxation policy!" "I know this segment feels uncomfortable, but it's getting across the "Everyman" quality we've been working so hard to establish." "Now, look here." "Since we initiated "Talk Back,"" "your ratings are up 26% among women 35-49, and among white males you're back up to 98%, plus or minus 4%." "Bottom line?" "A few negative respondees are statistically insignificant." "They'd be completely insignificant if we had them killed." "Excuse me, sir." "We just received a fax from the Oakland Raiders." ""Prince Harold and the sheriff will die unless the following list... " what is this?" "Obviously a bluff, sir." "You're not a hostage," " you're right here." "As for the prince..." " He's dead, right?" "The prince is dead?" "We left him in the woods following your instructions." "My instructions?" "I gave no such instructions." "We discussed this yesterday in the woods." "You told me not to harm him." "I was in this studio all yesterday afternoon." "How could I have been in the woods?" "Do I have to do everything myself?" "Of course not, sir." "I'm sorry, sir." "I want every living thing in those woods destroyed." "Do you understand me?" "Burn them down if you have to." "I want Prince Harold's head on a platter, or I will have yours." "Do you know, my father was the most popular monarch of this century?" "The people adored him." "But they can't stand me." "You should hear the kind of lies they write about me in those tabloids." "Then it's not true about the wild orgies while the peasants starve?" "About playing with the electric trains while the cities burn?" "I do like trains..." "but the rest is nonsense." "It's been Sheriff's policy not to dignify those scandal sheets with a response." "Did it ever occur to you that maybe the sheriff is not acting in your best interests out there?" "Look, Your Highness, you have to believe me." "He's not the sheriff." "He just looks like him." "You just don't get it, do you?" "You were being set up... by your good friend and benefactor and public relations guru, the sheriff." "Nonsense." "Why, that's the sort of paranoia enemies of the Crown have been trying to incite for hundreds of years." "Tell me something." "You get to be king, you rule the land, right?" "Assuming we get out of here alive." " And if you die...?" " I'm the last of my line." "It would throw everything into confusion." "I suppose the next in line of succession would be..." "The sheriff." "Guard, let me out." "Good thing we decided to stay "uninvolved. "" "Try to stay calm." ""Stay calm"?" "I'll stay calm... when the sheriff and his government come storming through this place." "How are we supposed to stay alive until the slide and stay together all the time?" "You got any ideas?" "The palace has rejected every one of our demands!" "What's going on?" "Brutality is the only language these devils understand." "They'll see we're serious." "Quinn!" "Quinn!" " Quinn, do something." " Get the video camera." "We'll give those murderers some "breaking news. "" " Don't hurt them." " They deserve to die." "Don't you see?" "You're playing directly into their hands." "Now listen, I have told you before," "I am not your sheriff," "I am a professor of physics from a parallel dimension." "Shut up." "Roll the camera." " Do something." " Aide:" "Rolling." "Look, this isn't the sheriff." "The sheriff's broadcasting live." "Listen to me." "If you kill these men you'll be signing our death warrants." "The palace wants them dead." "You're doing the sheriff's work for him." " Let him speak." " Kill them!" "Put the gun down." "Just for a second, put the gun down." "I brought these men to you." "Hear me out." "Sheriff:" "At times like this..." "I find it most troubling..." "If you kill these men, they'll be martyrs." "Violence begets violence." "Don't you get it?" "Look at Northern Ireland." " What's Northern Ireland?" " Let him speak." "Power doesn't come from the barrel of a gun." ""A chicken in every pot. " You know what I'm saying?" " "Rob from the rich and give to the poor. "" " Raiders:" "Yeah..." ""Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day." "Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for the rest of his life. "" " What's he talking about?" " The man's making sense here." ""Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. "" ""What's it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul?"" "Come on, brothers, let's fight for what we believe in!" "So much for "non-involvement. "" " "Power to the people!"" " Raiders:" "Power to the people!" " Power to the people!" " Power to the people!" "Rob from the rich and give to the poor!" "Ready?" "In five..." " Go, go, go." " Four, three... two..." "Good evening, my friends." "I speak to you tonight at a crossroads for this colony, a time when it seems to many of you that the fabric of this Empire is frayed." "War in France, lawlessness on our streets." "Let me say this... your sheriff feels your pain." "And to those of you who would, in your frustration, lash out against the bulwark of this society, I say this." "Let us build and not destroy;" "together, let us create a kinder, and a gentler nation." "But to those of you who would advocate violent revolution from below, who have aided and abetted Quinn and the Raiders in their terrorist campaign, let me say this... the monarchy will prevail;" "Prince Harold will be returned safely;" "and the Raiders will be eradicated." "Law and order will be restored!" " God save the King." " Recorded audience:" "God save the King!" "Does he have to do this?" "I don't think he's going anywhere, do you, Charlie?" " Charlie:" "Rebecca's orders." " Quinn's orders." " Thank you." " I brought you some more books." "That's very kind of you." "You are extraordinarily beautiful." "Do you know that?" "Yeah, well... you've been held hostage in the boiler room too long." "I suppose it's an impossible combination, you being a revolutionary and me being heir to the crown." "I'm no revolutionary." "I told you before, we're just passing through." "Look, do me a favor, Harold, okay?" "Don't go all goopy on me." "Things are complicated enough." "No, of course." "Quite right." "Okay." "Miss Wells, when this is all over... assuming it ever ends and I get out of it in one piece... do you suppose we might be able to see one another on a... well, you know." "You mean, like a date?" "Jeez, Harold, everything's sort of up in the air right now." "Why don't we just keep it strictly professional for the moment?" "Okay?" "Are you in love with Quinn?" "Look, even if I was, that's not the point." "Harold, you're a great guy, it's just... it's a matter of timing." "Anyway, you're gonna be king!" "I work in an electronics store with Mondays and Wednesdays off." "Of course." "I get the picture." "I really value you as a friend." "Try and get some sleep, okay?" "Guard?" "Thank you." "He's got it bad, you know." "Oh, please, you don't know a thing about it." "What are you gonna do?" "Slide out of here the minute our time's up." "What about you?" " What about me?" " You're the big folk hero." "What's going on with you and "Ms. Urban Terrorist"?" "Rebecca?" "Her boyfriend's in the sheriff's jail." " I'm not getting in the middle of that one." " That's not what I heard." "What have you got against her, anyway?" "Oh, nothing much, other than the fact that she tried to kill all of us." "Little things like that." "How quickly they forget." "Forget what?" "How about we decided, "no involvements"?" "I told you, I'm not involved." "Yeah..." " Wake up." " What?" "The prince is gone." "Oh...!" "Get up, Professor." "Let's go, Rembrandt." "Yeah, he's gone." "He must have climbed up the table and out this vent." "Who left him untied?" "Do you know what you've done?" "He'll go to the sheriff and he'll bring the army right to us." " No, he won't." " Why not?" "Because the sheriff's gonna kill him first." "I'm the one that let the cat out of the bag." "I wish you'd let me come with you." " Too dangerous." " Then take some of these other guys with you." "The sheriff's declared martial law." "I'm less conspicuous on my own." "Don't worry." "I know what I'm doing." "Just be careful, okay?" "If I'm not back in 24 hours, you guys slide without me." "Excuse me." "Man on loudspeaker:" "Quinn Mallory, by order of the Sheriff of San Francisco, you are under arrest!" "Get off me!" "Somebody, help!" "Get off me!" "Somebody help me!" "Technician:" "Test, test, one-two, test." "Testing, one-two." "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming." "For three days and nights, this city has been held in the grip of terror." "As of 0900 hours this morning," "Quinn Mallory is being held under maximum security at the Men's Correctional Center." "I want to share the credit for this with my deputies and thank them for their courageous and expeditious handling of this matter." " Will he be executed?" " I'm glad you raised that question." " Of course, he'll be executed." " When?" "Wait a minute!" "First he has to be found guilty by a court of law." "But assuming we can impanel the judges," "I would say we'd probably be ready to do it by midnight." "Bloody devil!" "What do we do?" "Here's what we do..." "they kill Quinn Mallory, and we start a campaign of random bombings that will make the angels weep." " Violence isn't the answer." " We tried it your way." "Violence is the only answer." " You're wrong." " Raider:" "It's the prince." "You have a bloody lot of gall coming back here." "Hear me out." "I left last night hoping to broker a peace with the sheriff to relieve all this suffering." "I realize after what I've seen in our streets, how naive and foolish I've been." "Wait a minute." "With the prince behind us," " we can rally the people and storm the prison." " You and what army?" "Just because you're afraid to die for what you believe in," " doesn't mean the rest of us are." " Don't you understand?" "We do not have time for a civil war, okay?" "We've got to be out of here at 12:17 a. m." "Quiet!" "I know how we can save Quinn... and no blood need be shed." "Technician:" "Test, test!" "Live feed from the press room of the Royal Prison." "Check-check-check." "Full house." "Give people an exhibition, they beat a path to your door." "Hendrick:" "I don't need to tell you how important this execution is." "Polls show Quinn Mallory made quite an impression on the middle class." "Not so much the high-end commoners, obviously, but the poor will follow him to hell and back." "So we've got some wood to chop, particularly if we want to make a grab for the crown in the next month or two." " No problem." " You don't anticipate any last-second heroics?" "Never underestimate the foolishness of your opponent." "That's why I've stationed a hundred marksmen on every rooftop downtown, and a battalion of guardsmen outside the jail." " Yeah?" " Is the boss there?" "Yes?" "Excellent." "Right." "Start the countdown." "Bring him in." "We're on." "God, I look good." "Do you want this one?" " That one's fine." " I'll set them here." "Rebecca Turn around... very slowly." "Who can operate these cameras?" "Don't even think about it." "Prince:" "Let's go over it again." "What am I supposed to say?" "Three minutes until air and 21 minutes until we slide." "You're going to expose the sheriff, pardon Quinn, and introduce the concept of democracy." " Democracy?" " I knew we forgot to tell him something." "Guard:" "Back up!" "Back up!" "We're gonna enjoy watching you fry." "Other one." "Sit down." "From the top... the First Amendment guarantees...?" " "Freedom of speech, religion, and assembly. "" " Good lad." "The Second?" " "Right to bear arms. "" " Scratch that one." "Wait a minute." "This is not multiple choice." "This is the Bill of Rights." "They don't know that." "We're the Founding Fathers now." "It's a grave responsibility." "We don't have time!" "The Fourth Amendment protects against "unreasonable search and seizure," right?" "The Fifth provides for "due process and the right against self-incrimination. "" "The Sixth..." "What's the Sixth?" ""Equal rights for all, regardless of race, religion, or musical preference. "" " It is not!" " It is now. 18 minutes until the gateway opens." "Oh, the hell with it." "You're on your own, lad." "Wing it." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "It's so nice to see you back again." "Before we go live to the execution, I have prepared a few remarks..." "Prince Harold, you're on!" "Firstly, I would like to say how right..." "Citizens of the British Empire, I am Prince Harold." "What the hell's going on?" "Prince:" "For many years, I have taken a back seat in the affairs of this government, while scurrilous lies have been proclaimed against me." "Prince:" "Now is the time to make a stand." "A slight technical difficulty." "However..." "Is he calling you a liar, Sheriff?" "Prince:" "I myself was taken in by this individual." "It is only the few days that I've had with Mr. Quinn Mallory and the Oakland Raiders..." "I assure you that this government is firmly in control!" "The Sheriff of San Francisco has abused his office, has promulgated a pattern of graft and corruption, and is therefore, by the powers vested in me by the Second Magna Carta, dismissed from his post and relieved of his duties." "Trooper:" "In the name of the King, sir, come with us." "Sheriff:" "What the devil is going on with you?" "!" "Hendrick, come back here, you little worm!" "This colony has been under the bootheel of one man..." "Guard:" "What's he saying?" "Is it possible?" " I can't believe it!" " What's going on?" "The Prince is pardoning you." "He's saying the sheriff betrayed the Empire." "How can that be?" "What is happening?" "Let me out of here." "Now!" "Come on!" "Open it!" "Open it!" "Come on, open it up!" "Open it up!" "Come on!" "Reporter:" "Sheriff, would you please answer the question?" "Sheriff:" "You?" "!" "You better not be around when I..." "Two minutes." "Come on, for crying out loud." "What's keeping him?" " Do you have the timer?" " It's here." "Please, God, let that be him." "You're cutting it kind of close, aren't you?" " Are you okay?" " Yeah." "All right, let's go, Professor." "Goodbye, Your Royal Highness." "This is the remainder of the Bill of Rights." "Use it wisely." "And remember, the reason why the sun never sets on the British Empire is because God doesn't trust the British in the dark." "Here's some other stuff for later." "Thank you..." "for everything." "Will I ever see you again?" "I can't promise that." "L..." "I guess this is goodbye." "Miss Wells, would it be completely appalling, at this time, to inquire whether perhaps you might consider staying on with us?" "What I mean to say is... will you be my queen?" "Take care of yourself." "Yes, well..." "worth a try." "What does it say?" ""We hold these truths to be self-evident:" "That all men are created equal;" "that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights;" "that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness... and James Brown is acknowledged as 'The Godfather of Soul. "'" "Who's James Brown?"