"Milo, put down that bagel." "You are not gonna believe this." "Can I not believe it while holding my bagel?" " Did you stop at Ray's coffee house yesterday?" " Yes, I did." "Did you have on a blazer and a beard?" "Can't remember if I wore my beard yesterday." "Well, it says here on missed connections that a woman at Ray's Coffee House had a moment with a "handsome, slightly disheveled, curly-haired guy with a beard."" "I mean, other than the handsome part, that's you, man." "I thought only girls read missed connections." "Oh, it's for an article." "I don't remember that article being assigned." "Okay, there's no article." "Maybe I just believe in a thing called love and I don't care who knows it." "But please don't tell Gibbs." "So, hang on." "So, someone puts a personal ad in Craigslist and I'm just supposed to drop everything to see if some random girl thinks that I'm the one?" " You're gonna tell Gibbs, aren't you?" " I am texting him right now." "So, are you in or not?" "Come on, it would make a pretty great "meet cute."" ""He just said, 'meet cute.'"" " So, we leaving at 8:00, 8:30?" " That's fine." "All right." "Milo." ""27 dresses."" "So, what time?" "Because with the traffic..." "It doesn't matter." "The party doesn't start till 2:00." " Where we going?" "I'm in." "Can I come?" " No." "You wouldn't want to come." "It's my cousin David's party." " Cousin dot-com?" " Yeah." "Apparently he sold another Internet start-up, and now we all got to drive out to the Hamptons to drink champagne and eat lobster and watch Prince perform on one of the tennis courts." "Neal, just so you know, right now you sound kind of like an asshole." "You wouldn't wanna go, either, if your parents were there the whole time saying, "wow, look what David's done."" "Hey, you got a lot going for you, too." "You got a great girlfriend." "You..." "So, Prince is really gonna be there?" "Well, you know, if you need moral support," " I could come be by your side." " Bup, bup!" "It's only a plus one." "Also, I look better in white than you." "Contrast." "Oh, my God." "It's like all the Milos of the world." "This is stupid." "Can we go?" "Come on, you're like the third-best-looking milo here." "Ooh, maybe the fourth." "Look, I bet that's her." "She could have been a little more specific." "Hey, well, at least we gave it a shot." "Come on, let me buy you a cup of coffee." "Oh." "That one's mine." "Wow." "This thing is incredible." "I can't believe this is your family car." "Well, when you grow up with only A.M. radio and no air-conditioning and fighting off asthma attacks as you oil the seats down with a rag, you kinda just wish you were rolling in a cool car, like a Camry." "I might just stretch out back here." "Oh, Neal, nice job with the seats." "[ Laughs ] It's like lying in a baseball glove." "My dad says I was conceived back there." "Shotgun!" "Milo, yesterday made me realize something." "That curly-haired asians exist?" "Yes." "But also, we can use missed connections to help design the perfect woman." "You mean like build-a-bear but with girls?" "Okay." "Look, we write a missed connection describing exactly the kind of girl... or "bear"..." "You'd want to meet..." "Or "build"..." "And then we just see if she shows up." "That's kind of a good idea." "Chocolate-covered pretzels is a good idea." "This is a greatidea." "So, where would you have met this perfect girl?" "Oh, yeah." "Okay." "I get it." "Uh [Clears throat] Okay, so, I saw her at a museum." "Stop it." "A bookstore." "A bookstore that sells magazines." "And candy?" "There we go." "All right, let's say she was carrying a yoga mat." "I don't do yoga." "Oh, you mean this just happens?" "Okay, if we say she was carrying a yoga mat, it's like asking for a good body without actually having to say it." "Whoa." "You're kind of a mad genius here." "Why have you never done this for yourself?" "I don't know." "'Cause maybe when it comes to love, I talk a big game, but deep down, I'm just afraid of getting hurt." " Really?" " No." "Look at me." "Do you think this misses a lot of connections?" "Okay, now we describe this." "Rumpled blazer..." "Retro porn beard." "Don't write "retro porn beard."" "Don't have retro porn beard." "Done." "Now we wait." "Bow-chicka-wow-wow." "[ Horn honks ]" "Uh, maybe you should ease up on the..." "Relax, Gibbs." "I'll get us there." "[ Tires screech ]" "Go already!" "Did she just... did she just give me the finger?" "Neal, it's an old woman." "That's right, "Murder She Wrote," keep moving!" "Now, your missed connection said she'd have on a green top." "Well, she has more penis than I'm used to." "Let's not do this." "What?" "Oh, I get it." "You're worried that she might not think you're that great." " [ Sighs ] No, that's not..." " Milo, I'm gonna say this quickly and then we're never gonna speak of it again." "You, my friend, are a catch." "How am I a catch?" "What are you talking about?" " You just said I was a catch." " No, that doesn't sound like me." "Literally like one minute ago, you just..." "Oh, my God, I just said we'd never speak of it." "But, yes, she'd be lucky to find a guy like you because..." "And I hate doing this..." "But you're a good guy even if you do look like a hobo who left his indie band because they got too commercial." "You are so in love with me." "This is so awesome!" "What do I do now?" "I don't know." "What?" "!" "This was your plan." " I didn't think it would work." " But it worked." "I know." "This is so awesome!" "All right, I'll..." "I'll go talk to her." "Yeah, go try that." "[ Clears throat ]" "Hi." "Oh, no, I'm just browsing." "Uh [Clears throat] Actually, no, I'm..." "I'm Milo." "I think maybe we "missed connecting" the other day." "Oh!" "Oh." "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "This was a terrible idea." "What are you talking about?" "We dreamt up a woman, and she's right there." "How cool is this?" "She doesn't want to meet me." "No, come on, you're a catch." "Would you stop saying I'm a catch?" "She's clearly looking for somebody else." "Everybody's looking for somebody else until they settle for the person they're with." "Now go ask her to have a cup of coffee." "You're an asshole." "You're a catch!" "Uh-huh." "Captain Gibbs is on the bridge." "You know, just because my mom needed a hat doesn't mean that hats are required." "You look ridiculous." "You won't be saying that when prince wants to know," ""who's that guy in the captain's hat?" "And does he enjoy orgies?"" "Come on, let's get this show on the road." "I don't want to be late." "Oh, don't worry, we're gonna be there nice and early with plenty of time for people to ask me why I can't be more like my cousin David." "I bet cousin David never got to East Hampton during rush hour in 90 minutes flat." "Neal, I'm sayin' the guy who drives this car doesn't take crap from anyone." "Yeah." "My dad is pretty tough." " In Vietnam..." " I'm talking about you!" "The way you drive is a thing of beauty." "You're confident, you're in control, you don't care what anybody thinks." "Especially not that cyclist you ran into a ditch." "He... he had a helmet." "That was a hat." "The point is you're a different guy behind this wheel." "Why can't you be more like this around your family?" "You're right." "You're right." "Why do I keep letting them push me around?" "[ Cellphone rings ]" "It's my dad." "Hello." "Yes, dad." "Oh, no, I got a hat for mom right here, and I'm filling up now." "What?" "De-grime the tires?" "No." "That is where I draw the line..." "Is what a bad son would say." "And that bad boy right there is also from a jungle-gym accident." "Wow." "You have a lot of scars." "Well, I like to push my limits." "Until I fall down." "Will you excuse me for a second?" "Yep." "This is a disaster." "You're doing great!" "Maybe a little less about jungle gyms." "It's not working." "I'm just gonna tell her the truth." "You're gonna tell her that we faked a missed connection?" " That's gonna sound creepy." " Yeah, it is creepy." "Hey, you, welcome back." "Thought maybe you escaped out the back door." "It was locked." "[ Laughs ]" "Look, I'm sorry, you seem like a nice guy, but I got to be honest..." "I was actually hoping to meet a different person today." "Yeah, I was kinda sensing that." "It's nothing against you." "It's just, I met this guy..." "And I know it sounds silly..." "But we kinda had a moment." "Yeah." "Yeah." "No, no, I-I get it." "And then you were hoping he was here, and instead here I am, some guy you don't even remember meeting." "[ Clears throat ] Look, Molly." "Don't you do it, Curly Sue." " I feel really bad about this, but..." " About what?" "About nothing!" "I'd like to help you find the guy who got away." " What?" " What?" "Two sticks of butter?" "Paula Deen, when will you learn?" "Molly, um, that's my friend Tyler." "Oh, Milo, you come here, too?" "Wow." "I bet you can see this house from space." " Oh, is it big?" " I never noticed." "Oh, my God, it's Heidi Klum." " Is it?" " I never noticed." "Heidi!" "[ Cellphone rings ]" "Hey, dad." "Yeah, we're parking the car right now." "What do you mean, "bring it around front"?" "Are you serious?" "That's very generous." "Yeah, okay." "What's the matter?" "My dad is giving the car to David as a congratulations gift." "This car has been a pain in the ass my whole life, but it's pain in the ass." "You know, he always said that one day, it would be mine." "And now he's..." "He's just giving it to David?" "It's not right." "You know what might take the edge off?" "Sharing a plate of tiger shrimp with Heidi Klum." "What if I don't want to take the edge off?" "What if I want to keep it on?" "I don't know what that means." "It means we're outta here." "[ Tires squeal ]" "Aw!" "Is that gorilla in a tuxedo?" "Okay, Molly, to find your missed connection, let's start by retracing your day." "Well, I got up and went to Ray's coffee house." "Oh, I go there, too." "Okay, so you woke up and got your fancy, bohemian" ""better than everyone else" coffee." "What next?" "I went to the central park reservoir to read the paper." " [ Chuckles ] I go there all the time." " You run there?" "[ Laughs ] That's very sweet of you, but no." "[ Clears throat ]" "I like to go there and watch the runners gasping for air as I enjoy my coffee." "Me too." "It makes me feel like I'm working out without all that stupid moving." "Exactly." "Well, I'm sure you both will end up as really adorable, fat dead people." "Now, let's get back to the actual missed connection." " It was at the bookstore." " Great." "Do you remember anything specific that he was wearing?" "He did have on a t-shirt that said" ""I live at 390 West End Avenue."" "That's a great clue!" "Oh, you're messing with me." "Right." "You know what?" "I don't know why you're angry at me." "I'm just trying to help you find love." "I'm sorry." "Let me see." "Oh, wait, he did have a travel mug from Moonbeam Coffee." "Okay, now you're helping." "We can work with that." "So, let's see how many Moonbeams are near the bookstore." "Maybe it's on his normal route." "Is it weird I feel a little like Fred from "Scooby-doo" right now?" "Is that because you're more of a Shaggy?" "Which "Scooby-doo" character did all the work while the other ones chatted?" " Velma." " Velma." "Sorry." "We're listening." "We're listening." "All right, there are two Moonbeams in the vicinity of the bookstore." "So, tomorrow morning, we're gonna split into teams and stake out both." "Now, just in case this guy's an early riser, we should get there, I don't know, say, 4:00 A.M.?" "Who is he again?" "So, the plan is to sit here all day and hope the guy comes in?" "Well, when you say it like that, it just sounds stupid." "Okay, there we go." "Now when this guy comes in, he'll get a clear shot at you." "So we're assuming he's a sniper now?" "[ Deep voice ] I always assume everyone's a sniper." "[ Laughs ]" " [ Normal voice ] Um, do you want anything?" " I'm good." "Okay." "I'm gonna check in with Tyler and grab myself a vanilla latte with an add shot." "Hey, that's whatI always get." "Oh, look at that." "We're like twinsies." "If one of us was really scruffy." "Oh, come on." "You're not thatscruffy." "Says the scruffy pot to the kettle." "Pretty cute kettle, though." "Uh, I'm gonna go check in with the boss." "[ Clears throat ]" "[ Cellphone rings ]" "Go for "T-Dog."" "Milo:" "Hey, T-Dog, uh, we're all set here." "How goes it on your end?" "Locked and loaded, chief." "I got the southern and western entrances covered." "The manager's name is Sharon, and she has informed me that this is a hotbed for local thirty-something men." "We are good to go, red leader." "Uh, shot in the dark here..." "You've had a few coffees already?" "Well, this isn't a library." "That's what Sharon said." "And then, in order to secure my three battle stations," "I had to get a drink per station." "But then I got two drinks per station, so she gave me a free Billy Joel download." "Hey!" "It's taken!" "They're all taken!" "You got a problem, talk to Sharon!" "Morning." "Where are we?" "Driving back to the city after the best night ever." "A-all I remember is, uh, driving east until we couldn't drive anymore." "And then..." "Did I drive my dad's car into the ocean?" "You tried, but the dunes were a protected habitat, and I couldn't let that happen." "The good news was there was a clam shack right where we parked." "There was karaoke, beer, and by the end of the night, a beach full of drunk people were chanting your name." "[ Chuckles ] Well, it sounds like we had fun." "You were on fire." "Why am I all Sandy?" "That's how we got the fire out." "Still, it probably wasn't better than cousin David's party." "Ah, not according to Prince." "Prince was at the Clam Shack?" "!" "Yep." "That little fella can put away a bucket of steamers." "[ Cellphone chimes ]" "Whoa, there's like 30 texts from my dad." "He is pissed." "And you know what?" "So be it." "There you go." "That's my new Neal." "Report the car stolen if you want, old man." "I don't care." "Wait?" "What?" "Black man driving a stolen Cadillac in the Hamptons?" " It'll be fine." " Said the white hostage in the back seat." "I couldn't have done this without you, Gibbs." "Sure you could have." "But it wouldn't have been as much fun." "Gibbs." "You're my best friend." "[ Siren walls ]" "Aw!" "I hate you, Neal." "So, how are things at Alpha station?" "Uh, we're good." "Yeah, she's, um..." "She's great." " Oh, God, really?" " What?" "You're falling for her." "No, I didn't say that." "You didn't have to." "I've had six double espressos." "I can taste your feelings through the phone." "Well, it doesn't matter." "I don't think she thinks about me like that." "Then you make it be." "Make what be?" "Coffee's taking over my brain." "I've only got about six real sentences left." "Milo, tell her about it." "You're a big shot." "Only the good die young." "Are you quoting Billy Joel?" "Yes!" "Why aren't you?" "I gotta go." "Piano man!" "Did you hang up?" "Maybe." "Did you?" "[ Cellphone beeps ]" "[ Laughs ]" "How did you...?" "Sharon cut me off, so I ran over here, with that." "I stole it." "It's Becky's." "I don't know who Becky is." "I'll be Becky." "Ahh!" "[ Sighs ]" "Uh, well, the plan worked." "Molly found her guy." "Yeah, I saw her leaving." "We did a good deed, you know?" "Yeah, we did." "Sucks, don't it?" "Yes." "It does." "I just can't imagine Neal being king of the bar." "I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it." "He was the man." "By the way, if Neal asks, we partied with Prince." "[ Chuckles ]" "Ah, there he is!" "The guy who partied with Prince!" " Whoo!" " Ahh!" "I just talked to my dad." "He's not pressing charges." "And more good news, that Clam Shack in Montauk found my mouth guard." "Ah!" " Hey, guys." " Hey, buddy." "You read missed connections?" "No, Tyler, give it a break, man." "Just read." "[ Sighs ]" "Oh!" ""Scruffy pot, you helped me find my Mr. Right." ""But I think I might have met him already." ""I'm gonna get a latte tomorrow morning." "Should I order two?"" ""Signed, cute kettle."" "So, you liked her?" "There was a connection." "[ Voice breaking ] Your grandkids will love that story." "Are you crying?" "How are you not?"