"2001-07-01" "Six Feet Under Season1." "Episode 5." "An Open Book" "So I want you to meet this guy I'm going out with tonight, OK?" "He's kind of a dork, but in a sweet way." "He seems real, at least." "And he's kinda rich, I think." "Kinda." "Of course, so was Kadeem, and that was a fucking waste of two years of my life." "And ya know what?" "I knew you never liked Kadeem so I'm gonna bring this guy home to meet you, and this time," "I swear, I will pay attention to what you think, because I am one fuckin' hot shit bitch, and he's fuckin' lucky to have me." "Ooh, that feels so good." "Hey, Tito, come hang with me, OK?" "Thank you." "Who's my lover?" "Yes." "Yes." "Aren't you glad I rescued you?" "You'd better be fuckin' glad." "Cost me 800 bucks in vet bills at a time when things were particularly tight for Mommy, I might add." "One good thing about this guy tonight he's got a big, fat dick, and he fucks like a jackhammer!" "Those never last." ""JEAN LOUISE McARTHUR 'VIVECA ST." "JOHN' SEPTEMBER 9, 1957-FEBRUARY 17, 2001"" "David, so glad to see you here." "It's always nice when someone comes back to the fold." "Oh, I've been going to church." "I've just been going to a different church." "Really?" "Which one?" "St. Stephen's." "In the Palisades?" "No, St. Stephen's in West Hollywood." " Well, I hope you always feel as welcome here as you did there." " Thanks." "You know, your father was a deacon here, and we still haven't replaced him." "I think it would be good for this church to listen to a younger voice." "If you're at all interested, I could submit your name to the bishop." "Me?" "A deacon?" "David, that's wonderful, your father would be so proud." "Well, sure." "I'd be honored to be considered." "Ruth, how are you holding up?" "I'm doing OK, Father." "Each day is just a little bit easier." "That's what I love hearing." "Wow!" "What a small world!" "Do you go to this church?" "I just joined." "I was raised Catholic, so I like the whole, you know, ritual part of it." "Oooh, you smell good." "What is that?" "Who are you?" "Oh my God." "I can't believe I've never introduced myself." "It seems like we've known each other forever." "I'm Tracy Montrose Blair." "Hi." "I'm David- Fisher." "I know." "I know who you are." "OK." "Why?" "Because my Uncle Walt was buried at your funeral home." "Old guy." "Cancer." " Had a tattoo of a roulette wheel on his back." " Oh, yes." "I have a tattoo." "A butterfly." "I think you should know that I'm not really available." " You have a girlfriend?" " Yes." " Serious?" " We're engaged." "Oh, well, good for you!" "Most men your age are so commitment-phobic it's pathetic." " Yes, men are pigs." " Or they're gay." "Well, I'm certainly glad to find out you're not gay." "I have to go." "My mother's waiting." " She seems nice." " She seems nuts." "Hello!" "Out here!" "Hey." "This is the life, huh?" "Apparently." "So how often do Mommy and Daddy go away?" "Oh, constantly." "They're very important people." "Very important places to go." "Lucky for them, I have absolutely nowhere to go." " How are you?" " I'm good." " It's chilly today." "Aren't you cold?" " Nope." "Jeez, it's like a hot tub in here." "Mommy and Daddy keep it this hot all the time, even in summer." "They're very wasteful." "That's just wrong." "Man, you are- What?" " You're unlike any woman I've ever met." " Good." " You scare me a little." " Why?" "I don't know." "There's just so much I don't know about you." "Me?" "I am an open book." "I'm so glad you're bringing your friends home." "You know, you haven't done that in years." "What are you doing here?" "You said you'd be gone through the weekend." "Yes, it's Sunday." "It's the end of the weekend." "Nate, these are my parents, Margaret and Bernard Chenowith." "Margaret and Bernard, this is Nate Fisher, the man I am having sex with." "Hello." "Brenda has told us absolutely nothing about you." "Well, you know what?" "I'm not surprised." "I'm not sure there's that much to tell." "Oh, don't be so modest." "Nate's studying for his funeral director's license." " Well, Nate, you'll have to tell us all about that." " Won't you stay for lunch?" " At least a drink or two?" " I'd like to, but I really have to study." "Well, then you'll have to join us for dinner some time." "Uh-that sounds great." "Great." "OK, Mrs. Fisher," "I've asked you here today so we could talk about your relationship with Claire." "I told her it wasn't my idea." "Uh, now, Claire feels that being the youngest child, perhaps, she might have missed out on a time when the family was happier." "No." "That's what you said." "I told you." "I don't think there was a time that this family was ever happy." "That is not true." "There was lots of happiness." "When the boys were young." "When you were young, Claire." "You were a very happy little girl, and you know it." "Just because I was too young to realize what freaks we were." "Why would you come into this man's office and tell him we were never happy?" "I don't know." "Because I grew up in a house that was usually filled with total strangers who were crying all the time." "Oh, boo hoo!" "I grew up in a two-room apartment over a barber shop, and I spent my teenage years taking care of my grandmother after one, and then both, of her legs were amputated." "Life's hard!" " Mrs. Fisher" "You had a roof over you head." "You didn't go hungry." "You see, she gets up on this cross, and then there's just no talking to her." "You did not have to go begging for food on the streets of Calcutta." "What?" "Because I wasn't dropped in a dumpster somewhere," "I'm not supposed to want things to be better?" "This is good." "This is good for you to talk like this." "These are obviously things you need to say." "So what?" "Are we just supposed to fight and get on each other's nerves?" "I prefer the not talking thing." "I think you should try to have more of a dialogue." "Make time for it." "Schedule it." "Remember, any relationship is work." "OK?" "Excellent session." "That's it?" "Now that's up to you, isn't it?" "He does this for like five different schools." "She should look spectacular." "You know, that's the most important thing." "We'll make sure that she looks her best." "She was the real deal, you know?" "She was a star." "And I can assure you we will give her a funeral that befits the star that she was and always will be." "You know who she was?" "Absolutely, and I'm a big fan of hers." "Hey, Rico." "Holy moley!" "Feel." "They're really hard." "Uh." "No, thanks." "Like a rock." "You see how they're all cock-eyed?" "They've got this low-cut flimsy thing they want her in, and they said absolutely no bra." "Shit." "I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do." " Maybe I could like tape 'em together somehow." " Do you know where this stuff goes?" "If I put it in the wrong place, David will bitch at me for a week." "Top left, above the purple stuff." "Well, boys, this might just be our highest profit-margin funeral this year." "She's rich, huh?" "The guy who's paying for it is." "Huh, she looks so familiar to me." "She was an actress." "Viveca St. John." "Oh my God, you're right!" "That's her?" "Oh, fuck!" "And apparently she was quite talented." "She was a porno star." "What?" "!" "?" "David, she was huge like back in the mid to late 80s." "Come on, you never saw any of her videos?" "No, Nate, I missed those." "Oh, man!" "This chick fucked a snake." "This chick fucked like 30 guys at one time." "I saw that!" "I saw that!" "My cousin Ramone showed me when I was like 12." "On the diving board, OK?" "They were like wrapped around the pool." "Did you see the one where the guy's riding this motorcycle that she's strapped to, so he's fucking her while he's riding around in circles?" "Oh, shit!" "Nate, can I speak to you outside for a minute?" "Dammit, Nate!" "The woman on that table is just as deserving of dignity as anyone else we prepare, and Federico is an employee." "It's up to you and me to set an example for him, alright?" "Alright, I'm sorry." "Show some respect." "These are human lives we're dealing with here." "These are not organic blackberries or granola in bulk." "I said I'm sorry." "I don't want you to be sorry." "I want you to remember that what we do here is serious." "Because it really sucks for me always having to be the spoilsport." " OK." " Thank you." "Hello." " Hey, Bernard Chenowith." " Hi." "Margaret and I were wondering if you would join us for dinner." "Tomorrow night." " Tell him we're not gonna take no for an answer." " You hear that?" "Well, actually, I have a lot of studying to do for this exam." "I'd really like to" "Nate, we'd really love to be able to get a sense of who you are," " and I'm sure you're curious about us as well, right?" " Uh" "Good." "Shall we say seven-ish?" "Can I bring anything?" "Hello?" "Suck on that, you little fuck!" "Hi, there's this thing called knocking." "It's like protected in the first amendment." "I rented some videos." "I thought you and I could watch them tonight." "Remember when you were in middle school?" "You and I used to go to the movies every Monday night." "Remember how much fun we had?" "I remember seeing a lot of really bad movies." "What'd you get?" "Runaway Bride and The Nutty Professor." "Cool." "It'll be good for business, too." "Dad was a deacon there, and it's a big congregation." "People die, families don't know where to go, and the church sends them our way." "They know you're gay?" "I think Father Jack has a pretty good idea." " You think he likes you?" " Keith" "Does this mean that you're not going to be going to church with me anymore?" "Well, if they make me a deacon, I'd have to go there all the time, yeah." "I'm sorry." "I know." "Sunday's sort of been our day." "I think it's great." "I really do." "The things I love about you, it's the fact that your religion means so much to you." "Besides, I think it could be kind of hot, you know?" "Dating a man of the cloth." "I need you to do something for me." "What is it, my son?" "You know the Gay Firemen and Police Officers Club I belong to?" "Well, we're having a party in the Laguna this weekend." "I want you to be my date." "Your date?" "Will I get a corsage?" "I want you to start meeting some of my friends, David." "I'd like that." "Oh, forgive me, Father, for I am about to sin." "This is an entire movie about expelling gas." "I think that's why people like it." "I don't want to watch this." "Good, because neither do I." "Claire, look." "I know you probably think I'm old and stupid." "No, Mom, I don't." "But I love you just as much as I ever did, and I'm worried about you, and I don't know how to help." "I don't need help!" "Why is everyone acting like I'm in the Trenchcoat Mafia?" "You stole a foot!" "A human foot!" "OK, you wanna know why?" "Because some guy who totally scammed me into having sex with him because I thought he actually cared about me- he told the entire school that I sucked his toes, and then when I confronted him about it," "he showed entirely no remorse, so when I saw Nate drop the foot on the floor," "I just grabbed it, just to get back at that asshole, OK?" "It wasn't premeditated." "I'm not Jeffrey Dahmer." "I don't get off on hacked-up body parts." "You're having sex?" "!" "?" "Oh, Jesus." "No, I'm sorry," "I cannot have this conversation with you." "And I'm really sorry, but I don't think we're ever gonna have one of these touchy-feely mother-daughter relationships like you see on TV and the movies, because, you know why?" "They don't exist!" "Ah, here's our guest!" "And he brought us a bottle of." "1997, no less." "OK, a man who knows his wine." "My, I'm liking you more and more, Nate." "Well, I worked at a food co-op in Seattle for a long time, learned a little bit." "A co-op?" "So there's a little hippie in there, huh?" "That makes sense." "Brenda would find that attractive." "She likes to think of herself as being wildly counter-cultural, but I think she's actually just jealous that Bern and I really were hippies-briefly." "Now, can I offer you a drink?" "Sure." "You have any beer?" "No." "We have vodka, scotch, bourbon..." "Uh, I'll have a little bourbon." "Manly but not elitist." "Just her type." "Down, girl." "So where is Brenda?" "Brenda?" "Oh, Brenda's not coming tonight." " Really?" " Well, she felt, and I really have to agree with her, that we'd have a much better chance of getting to know each other if she weren't here." "You know, she does tend to take center stage, so to speak." "Huh." "I kind of wish somebody'd thought to tell me about this." "I'm sorry." "I assumed she did." "There you are." "David was raised in this church." "He was christened and confirmed here." "He served as an altar boy, and he was president of the Youth Ministry in high school." "How old are you, David?" "I'm 31." "What do you do for a living?" " I'm a funeral director." " Ah." "His father served as a deacon for over a decade." "He just recently passed away." "So, you see this as a sort of passing the torch?" "No, sir, I see it as a chance to serve God." "Well, I'm glad to hear you say that." "Because that's what it is." "Being a deacon here is more than just having access to the church mailing list and passing out your business cards after Mass." "Sir, I won't deny that I run a business providing service to people in times of need, but I would never exploit my relationship to the church for marketing purposes." "Frankly, I would consider that to be a pretty grave sin." "No pun intended." "St. Bartholomew is an old church, a conservative church, a church that doesn't need to have its boat rocked." "Which is precisely why I feel that David is such a good candidate." "How many men his age have values as strong as his?" "I think he would be an excellent role model." " Are you married?" " Uh, no, sir." "I was engaged briefly." "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself before I consider this?" "No, sir." "Is there anything specific about me you'd like to ask?" "I'll let you know my decision in a few days." " You impressed him." " You think?" "Yes." "Oh, by the way, one of our parishioners recently lost her father to liver cancer" "Sharon Murdoch." "I gave her your name." "You may be getting a call." "Thank you." "Again, with the not knocking." " Pack some things." "We're going to San Bernadino." "What?" "We're spending the night at my cousin, Hannah's." " Mom, I'm doing homework." " Well, stop." " I have school tomorrow." " I'll write a note!" "You know, it's been such a long time since Brenda's wanted us to meet any of the men in her life." "What was that last one?" "A chiropractor?" " Oh, he was a rolfer." " He was an idiot." "Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure Brenda ever meant for us to meet." "I don't think she really expected you guys to come home that day." "Oh, Nate, where Brenda's concerned,there are no coincidences." "You think she planned all this?" "Of course." "She is a master manipulator." "I mean, I love her dearly, but you really oughtta know what you're getting into." "Now, would you like another bourbon?" "Uh-No, thanks." "Can I ask you guys something?" "As long as it doesn't involve asking us for money." "Uh, no, it doesn't." "Does the name, "Nathaniel," have any significance to you?" "Well, sure." "Nathaniel and Isabel." "Brenda adored these books as a little girl." "She could read by the time she was three." "What are they about?" "Two orphans who had adventures." "They ran away from an orphanage." "There was a malevolent nurse who was always hunting them down, but they always managed to outsmart her." "Typical infantile wish-fulfillment." "Hmm." "I've never heard of them." "They're British." "Quite dark." "People die in them all the time." "When Brenda's brother was born, we expected serious displacement anxiety from her, but there was none." "She would sit next to his crib, and read him these stories for hours." " She was what then, Bern, 4?" "5 at the most." "It's all in the book." "This book?" "You mean she didn't tell you about that either?" "Ruthie, I am so glad you called." "Ginnie and I would never allow ourselves this kind of food unless it were a really special occasion." "We are definitely gonna have to do another spinning class this week." "Tomorrow morning." " Who's teaching?" " Derrick." "Oooh, I am so there!" "Mom and I have the biggest crush onthis spinning director at the "Y."" "He is hot, hot, hot." "So, Claire, have you thought about college?" "Yeah, I'd love to go to, like, NYU or Columbia, but I don't know if I'd ever get in, so" "Well, there are some great schools in LA." "Well, yeah, but why would you wanna go to school in the same town you grew up in?" "I go to Cal State, right here in San Berdo." " Well, whatever rocks your boat." " Claire" "Hey, I love it." "By living at home, I'm saving a ton of money for grad school." "I'm not stuck in some crappy dorm where everyone's smoking pot and playing loud music all the time." "And I don't have to call campus police every time I wanna walk home from the library so I don't get raped." "And I like to stay close to my mom." "She probably just stays so I get to do her laundry." "Oh, that's not true!" "I love my mom, and I'm not ashamed of it." "Thank you, honey, and I love you too." "OK, anybody want more?" " So how was it?" " Oh, it was quite informative." "I know what "Nathaniel" means now, I know you have an IQ of 185," " I know you had a book written about you." "Here, I signed it for you." "Why didn't you just tell me about this?" "People always change towards me after they read it." "I was just trying to make the fun part last." "Oh, God." "So you're kind of scarily brilliant." "I can handle that." "What I can't handle is the way you keep mindfucking me for your own personal entertainment, and it's really starting to piss me off." "Well, I'm sorry I'm not some well-behaved little nothing that never challenges you, but if that's what you're looking for, you might as well just leave right now." "So, what, are you trying to drive me away?" "Oh, yeah, I'm trying to drive you away, Nate." "It was my mother's idea that I not be there, which is fine by me." "I don't really enjoy their company." "She said it was your idea." "Yeah, she would." "She probably believes it." "She's out of her fucking mind!" "You could have warned me what I was walking into." "You wouldn't have gone." "I just wanted to get it all out of the way." "Them." "The Book." "Everything." " Yeah, well, I felt like a fuckin' lab rat over there." " Yeah, that's what they do!" "I'm 6 years old." "I score through the roof on some standardized, culturally-biased test, and it all becomes about them." "They hand me over to strangers, experts, a bunch of academic fucks who scrutinize everything I did or said or thought even." "It is a fucking law of physics that the very act of observation changes that which is being observed." "And now you're gonna read that book and think that you know me." "Well, you know what?" "You don't." "Yeah, because you won't let me." "OK." "Fine." "What do you wanna know?" "Ask me anything." "Did you burn down that house that we made love in?" "You think I burned down the house?" "Really?" "That is so weird!" "Well, what am I supposed to think?" "You put my brother and me in the bus that killed our father, you get weird phone calls from screaming people that you won't explain, and now, oh, you want to make me feel stupid for being suspicious." "Well, give me a fuckin' reason not to be!" "I just wanna know what this is." "Why you" "Am I just another step along your way?" "OK, look." "We obviously have an intense sexual connection, and, yes, I would like for there to be something more than that, but that can't ever happen until you trust me, which, apparently, you don't." "Should I trust you?" "Yes." "Come here." "R" "R" " A" "R" " A-K-E." "Woo!" "Triple letter score for "K." Good one, Mom!" "H" "H" " E" "H" " E-L-L." "H" " E-L-L-O." "Hello!" "D" "D" " E" "D" " E-F-T." "Deft." "What is "deft"?" "Well, it's a laundry detergent from when Ruth and I were kids." "No, it's a word." "It means "skilled. "" " Really?" " Use it in a sentence." ""He deftly juggled his responsibilities. "" "Deft." "Huh." "Or, "Deft, where ith thy thting?"" " So how are you both doing?" " You know, with Nathaniel's passing?" " Better every day." " Yeah, you know, shit happens." "You know, it's such an awful thing losing someone you love." "In terms of stress, it's right up there with moving and getting fired." "Mm hmm." "I know when Ed and I split up, I was just devastated." "I didn't even want to get out of bed." "I just wanted to curl up and die." "And all I can say is thank God for my precious daughter." "Well, I just wouldn't let her mope." "Just wouldn't let her." "Dragged her ass, pardon my French, out of bed and took her to spinning class with me." "And I hated her for it at the time, but it really got me back on track." "You know, endorphins really are nature's anti-depressants." "Mm hmm." "Life goes on." "It doesn't go on by itself." "Sometimes you just gotta kick it in the butt." "But Ed didn't die." "He's still alive." "You can still see him." "When Ginnie gets married, you'll both be there." "When she has children, they'll be able to know him." "He's not gone forever." "Oh, well sure, but in terms of the impact it had on both of our lives, it's similar." "I had the greatest idea!" "You guys are coming to spinning class with us tomorrow morning, bright and early." "No offense, but I'd rather drive a rusty railroad spike through my skull." "Oh, just try it once." "You might be surprised how it changes the way that you feel." " I feel fine." " You know what, Ginnie?" "That is an absolutely inspired idea!" "OK, ladies, let's get to bed, because if your butt isn't on that bike by 6 AM, Derrick doesn't let us in." "So these tits do nothin' for ya, huh?" "Well, I can appreciate that they are beautiful." "In their own completely artificial way." "Men loved them." "Well, real men." "Do you think God cares that you're gay?" "Do you think God cares that you fucked 30 guys at once?" " Oh, so you equate being a fag with being a whore!" " No." " One's OK but one isn't?" " I think God appreciates it when there's love involved." "Oh, honey, I loved every man I ever fucked while I was fuckin' him" " What are you doing?" " Watching you." "Claire, wake up!" "Get dressed!" " Why?" " We're leaving early." "Jesus, Mom, I'm starting to feel like Anne Frank!" " If we don't get out of here fast, we'll have to go spinning!" " Oh my God!" "Thanks for buying me breakfast." " Thank you for finding my G-spot this morning." " Anytime." "Oh, I have something for you." "Wow!" " Oh, come on, it's just a key." " No, no, no, this is great." "I'm just a little surprised, that's all." "I'm too nervous to eat." "I'll just drink coffee until I start twitching and sweating." "Why does being a deacon mean so much to you now?" "It wasn't even a consideration for you a week ago." "Look, I know you think it's naive, but I see it as a chance to make a difference, make the world just a little more tolerant." "David, we have our own church in West Hollywood, which means the other churches and dioceses don't have to tolerate us." "Frankly, I resent the notion that we need to be tolerated." "So what?" "We should just allow ourselves to be ghettoized?" "Why do you embrace an organization that doesn't embrace you?" " The church embraces everyone." " Oh, yeah, right." "Hate the sin, love the sinner?" "The operative word being "hate. "" "What is it with you?" "The other night you said you liked the idea." "I had a chance to think." "Isn't that your brother?" "Hey, can we just have breakfast without feeling like I'm George Will and you're Cokie Roberts with PMS?" "You'd probably like George Will." "Dave." " Uh, hi." " Hey." "Keith, you remember my brother, Nate, don't you?" " Yeah, how's it going?" " Hey." "This is Brenda, my uh-my girlfriend." "I prefer the term "fuck puppet. "" "So what are you guys doing here?" "You just play racquetball?" "Uh, no, we just worked out." "So you guys work out together?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we do." "Oh, well, uh, that-that's great." "Uh, OK, great..." "OK, you guys, have a great day." "You, too." "Bye, David." " Oh my God, I think David is gay." " I think David is lucky." "Did you get a look at that guy?" "Claire?" "I had an affair." "For the last two years, I was seeing someone." "Your father never knew about it, at least I hope he didn't." "And I called it off after he died." "It's not something I'm proud of." " Why are you telling me this?" " Because it's the truth, and whatever relationship you and I have, I want it to be honest, even if you hate me." "Mom, I don't hate you." "I remember going to the movies on Monday nights." "But I'm 17 years old now, and I have my own life, and there's things I have to figure out on my own,and that's, like, normal." "And I know stealing a foot is weird, but, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird." "I've gotta get to school." "Did you see his face?" "Oh, man, I know I shouldn't be laughing,but he just looked so stupefied!" "The way he was all, "Great, great." "I'm hip, I'm cool. "" "I'm proud of you, man." "So, listen, this thing we're doing Saturday night." "I got us a room at the Surfin' Center." "You ever been there?" "No." "Oh, man, it's gonna be great!" "It's got a fireplace overlooking the ocean." "Keith, I don't think I can make it after all." "I shouldn't miss church, not while they're considering me for deaconship." "I'm sorry." "Fine." "We'll come back Saturday night." " That'll work." " I can go to church with you on Sunday." "It's not a good idea." "This hasn't been a good idea from the beginning, has it?" "Fine." "Why don't we cut our losses and call it quits right now?" "What?" "Look, as long as you feel the need to keep our relationship a secret..." "David, you're ashamed of it, man." "I'm not having any of that." " Not anymore." " I just came out to my brother!" "One step forward, now you wanna take a giant leap backwards right into the arms of the enemy!" "So now I'm a Nazi collaborator?" "You know, a lot of African Americans might saythe same thing about you being a member of the LAPD." "You're a fucking coward!" "Keith, please dont" "It works!" "I must have left the stereo on again." " So, you are not too freaked out?" " A little, maybe." "It certainly makes David more interesting." "No, I mean about me giving you a key to my apartment." "Oh, come on, what do you think I am?" "Some sort of aging Peter Pan who's gonna disappear at the first sign of something a little more permanent?" "Well, yeah." " Yeah, well, you're one to talk." " You wouldn't even allow me to refer to you as my girlfriend." "Don't mind me." "I thought we agreed that you would call before you came over." "I did." "The hot water's out at my building." "I needed to take a shower." "Oh, don't be mad at me." "You know, I hate it when you're mad at me." " Satisfied?" " I am going to make a cup of tea." " Hey, I'll take one of those." " Hey, you behave yourself." "Hi, what's your name?" " Nate." " Nice to meet you." "I'm Billy." "Hi." "So how long have you known Brenda?" "Uh-a few months." "So, uh" "What?" "Who am I and why am I in your girlfriend?" "shouse practically naked?" "Yeah." "She's my sister." "She's my mother." "Sister." "My mother." "Sorry." "Nobody's ever laughed at that." "I should know better." "Well, it's nice to meet you." " So, you meet the parents yet?" " Yes, last night." "Wow." "You've made it pretty far." "So why haven't I heard about you?" "No idea." "Well, I guess I'd better go put some clothes on." "How'd you get her breasts synchronized?" "By some industrial epoxy?" "Would you ask Colonel Sanders for his secret recipe?" "Oh, come on, who am I gonna tell?" "I stuck a can of cat food under each one." "My sister-in-law did a cat food commercial." "I've got like ten cases." "Hey, I'm Larry Wadd." "You know, I met Viveca St. John before she even did her first video." "She was, uh, she was the fluffer on the set of "Dirty Larry III."" "She was, uh, friendly, she was eager, and I could honestly say I never received a better blowjob in my life." "Nobody was even filming it!" "When I first met Viveca, I met her on "Deep Diving. "" "Thank you." "And I had never gone down on a girl before, so, naturally, I was nervous, but Viveca was so warm and relaxed about it." "She really put me at ease." "Well, her and the two Zanex she gave me." "And when I first had to do a double penetration, I was like a total wreck." "But Viveca came through like, you know, like such the pro she is..." "I mean was." " Nate, what the hell is going on in there?" " Uh-Funeral." "For whom?" "Prostitute?" "A woman who was a star of adult videos." "Mom, we're gonna clear like 8 grand from this." "We can finally pay for that air conditioning work." "I'm just glad your sister is at school." "It was awful." "They're like best friends." "And they're both like cheerleaders, this totally plastic way of life." "Like spinning class solves everything." "And they're both like hot for the same guy." "It was creepy." "My mom's-My mom's just so fucking sad." "I wish I could help her." "So help her." "Now, Mrs. Murdoch, some people prefer the solemnity of a church, and St. Bartholomew is a beautiful setting." "Here, however, one is more free to customize the service." "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just had to tell somebody" "Viveca looked so great." "Her tits have never looked better." "She was like a sister to me." " I'm so glad that you're pleased." " Yeah." "We want to remember her at her very best, don't we?" " Now, I'm sorry, but I'm helping some other people right now." " OK." " I'll talk to you after the service." " OK." " I think we'll have Dad's service at the church." " Fine." "I'm not a religious man, but I do believe in God." "If I were to make a list of the things I thank God for the most, fucking Viv would be at the top of the list." "She was a goddamned force of nature." "And I loved her." "And I know God loved her, too, and I know that he knew just what he was doing, and how much joy she would bring to the world." "For David James Fisher, chosen deacon in your church, we pray to you, O, Lord." "That he may faithfully fulfill the duties of this ministry, build up your church, and glorify your name, we pray to you, O Lord." "That by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, he may be sustained and encouraged to persevere to the end, we pray to you, O Lord." "For all who fear God and believe in you, Lord Christ, that our divisions may cease and that all may be as one as you and the father are one, we pray to you, O Lord." "O Lord, hear our prayer." "Thank you, thank you." "Way to go, Dave." "All we have to do is join the Koanis Club and Fisher  Sons will have all our bases covered." " Hey, where's Keith?" " He's just a friend, Nate." "So, Mom, what are you doing tomorrow night?" "Nothing as far as I know." "Why?" "I thought maybe you'd wanna go see a movie or rent a movie or something." "OK." "But if you cry, the whole thing is off." "Thanks for coming today." "I know you must have found this all a little" "Are you kidding?" "I loved it." "All that pageantry." "It's so trippy." "It's like a Fellini movie." "Well, it was kinda cool being with you here, in front of God and everybody." "You don't really believe in God, do you?" "Well, yeah." "I mean, I don't believe in some bearded old white man up on a cloud." "But I believe in something." " Some sort of undefinable creative force." " I think it's just all totally random." "Really?" "Yeah." "We live, we die." "Ultimately, nothing means anything." "How can you live like that?" "I don't know." "Sometimes I wake up so fuckin' empty," "I wish I'd never been born, but what choice do I have?" " END "