"In last week's episode of Soap, Chester had a plan." "To keep from being lonely in the basement, he made friends with a pet rat named Arnold." "Unfortunately," "Benson didn't know he was a pet." "This ruined Chester's plan... not to mention any plans Arnold might have had." "Meanwhile," "Burt told Danny a plan to help him change Elaine." "And Carol told Jody her plan to keep the baby." "Tim and Corinne's plan for their wedding night was interrupted by a call from Tim's mother saying she was dying." "Tim, who was sure she was faking, decided to go to her immediately... or by the weekend, at the latest." "Dutch had to go on the run, but planned to return to see Eunice." "And Chester, although he hadn't planned anything of the kind, had an attack and was rushed to the hospital." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate... and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates." "And these are the Campbells." "And this is..." "Soap." "At approximately 9:05, the doorbell rang, then what?" "Then what?" "I told you." "Tell us again." "Tell us again." "I went to the door." "I opened it." "I discovered Mr. Tate on the doorstep, unconscious." "I don't know how much longer" "I can stand this waiting." "Don't worry, Mother," "I'm sure we're gonna hear soon." "You'd think they'd have a pinball machine or something around here." "Billy..." "Hey, a person can be sad and still play pinball at the same time." "Mrs. Tate." "Mrs. Tate, your husband is still in a coma." "Oh..." "And we won't have the tests back for at least 24 hours." "Oh, the poor, dear man." "And you can't do anything until then?" "Well, I'm afraid my hands are tied..." "But there is someone here who just might be able to help." "It's this lad right over here." "Me?" "I don't understand." "Well, you see, Mrs. Tate, there's still very little we know about the power of love." "Just a few minutes ago, your husband spoke his son's name and seemed to draw strength from it, and I feel if we brought this boy to his father's bedside, he just might mean the difference" "between life and death." "Well, yes." "Certainly, by all means." "You must be quite a human being to have touched another person so deeply." "Thank you, sir." "This way, Arnold." "Um, doctor!" "Doctor, I believe there's been a slight misunderstanding." "This is Billy." "This isn't Arnold." "Oh." "Arnold was a rat." "Well, personality aside," "I still feel if we can locate this Arnold and bring him to Mr. Tate..." "No, no, that's not possible, Doctor." "Benson killed Arnold." "All right!" "Come on, buddy, hands flat on the wall!" "I had him pegged from the start." "There was something about his eyes." "And, of course, the color of my skin has got nothing to do with it." "Stop that." "Arnold was a real rat." "A pet rat." "A rodent." "I killed him with a broom." "Oh." "I still don't like those eyes of his." "That's nothing." "I don't like your entire body." "Look, Mrs. Tate, why don't you go home and get some sleep?" "I'll call you as soon as I get the reports back." "Thank you, Doctor." "Sure." "Uh, when you came upon Mr. Tate, did any of you see this man lurking in the area?" "Goes by the name of Dutch." "No." "No." "No, no." "Uh-uh." "Thank you." "No!" "Just routine." "Wait a minute." "Let me see that picture." "Why, I've seen this man." "You have?" "Of course." "It's Benito Mussolini, you boob." "Thank you." "Uh, Officer?" "Do you think I might have that?" "Just in case I see somebody suspicious in the neighborhood?" "Okay, sure, but be careful." "He's considered dangerous." "Thank you." "I'll get the car and meet you around front." "Thank you, Benson." "Billy, Major." "Well, I..." "I suppose you know why I wanted the picture, don't you, Mother?" "Yes, Eunice." "I know." "What do you think?" "I think he looks better in person." "No, Mother." "I mean, about us." "Well, Eunice, it's very hard for me to approve." "I mean, the man's a convicted killer... but then, of course, so is Daddy." "And an embezzler too." "Yes, so it's hard for me to disapprove too." "The difference is, Eunice, when your father and I first started out, we had all kinds of possibilities." "The world was ours." "You and Dutch wouldn't have that." "But I love him, Mother." "I know, Eunice... but sometimes love just isn't enough." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Oh." "New York University?" "Don't tell me somebody in this house is actually thinking of going to college?" "I am going to go to college." "[CACKLING]" "Does the college know?" ""Does the college know?"" "[LAUGHING]" "Well, it may come as a shock to you, things have changed." "For instance, they no longer use quills and parchments." "Quills and parchments!" "[LAUGHING]" "[STOPS LAUGHING]" "I really don't care to discuss this with you, Elaine." "Aren't you gonna feel awfully out of it?" "No." "Why should I?" "Because you're so old." "Elaine, I may not be 20, but I'm not a dinosaur." "[LAUGHING] A dinosaur!" "I don't know." "If I was your age, I wouldn't go to college." "Probably wouldn't leave the house." "That's it!" "[ELAINE SCREAMING]" "Hey, hold it!" "Whoa!" "What's happening?" "She's crazy!" "I'm going to go upstairs." "Take it easy!" "Take it easy!" "Why didn't you let me..." "Why didn't you let me kill her?" "I want to!" "[LAUGHS]" "Ma!" "Ma, you don't have to kill her, because we got a plan." "Yeah." "Listen, it's a great plan." "Oh, good." "What is it?" "A knife?" "Poison?" "What?" "We're gonna kill her with kindness." "You're gonna kill her with kindness?" "That's right... and I think it's time to get started." "You see, what he's gonna do is not let her dress, eat, sleep, nothing... because there isn't anything good enough for her." "And she can't get mad, because it's all done out of love, you see?" "He's gonna kill her with kindness." "If that doesn't work, can I just kill her?" "Sure." "Your mother needs hormone shots." "Don't." "It's a brand new dress." "Danny!" "Oh, I don't want garbage like this touching your skin." "Danny, what is going on?" "It's not good enough for you." "Nothing good enough for you, baby." "Well, it's true, it only costs $400..." "[MOUTHING WORDS] $400?" "But wait a second..." "Well, I'm sorry, but it won't do." "Not for you." "Not for my woman." "This isn't like you." "Good God!" "Look at this garbage." "I'm sorry, Elaine, but you can forget about these." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Please..." "No, no, absolutely not, no way." "Elaine, I'm sorry, but, uh," "I love you too much to see you dressed in rags like this." "Elaine..." "What?" "What the hell is that?" "What?" "That!" "What?" "Oh!" "This!" "Oh, no!" "Danny stop!" "Stop it!" "You nuts?" "Look at how flimsy that is." "I don't believe this." "Don't sit!" "[THUMP]" "This cushion is not clean." "Other people have sat here." "Danny!" "We have to be at a restaurant in 15 minutes." "Let me see if I can find something to wear, okay?" "Maybe I have something that you like." "Okay." "Okay, I'll go get cleaned up." "I can't keep my hands off you." "And this one is no good either." "So, is it working?" "I don't know." "It's a little too soon to tell, but she seems very confused." "So am I." "[WHISPERING] Danny." "Oh, you ready so soon, babe?" "Is this all right?" "Well, that's more like it." "You're sure?" "You're sure that you like this?" "It looks almost as good as you." "Don't wait up." "Yeah, have a nice time." "Thanks." "[SCREAMS]" "I'm sorry, but it didn't look as good from the back." "Well?" "What do you say?" "Carol, generally, when a girl gets a marriage proposal, she looks up from her Chicken Yakitori." "What about... sex?" "What about it?" "You said you would never go to bed with me again." "Uh, call it old-fashioned, but I consider sex with my husband a part of marriage." "Well, I'd try." "You'd try?" "Yeah." "Oh, wonderful." "That's a very relaxing way to live... with a guy who closes his eyes and pretends his wife is Arnold Schwarzenegger." "Carol, I'm not sure, but I think when one person asks someone else to marry them, no one's supposed to make fun of anybody for at least a minute or two." "Why are you doing this, guilt?" "No." "Well, it's true, I think I should, but, Carol, what's also true is I'm actually kind of excited about having the baby." "Somehow I never pictured that." "Neither did I." "Well, I'm not what Dr. Spock had in mind when he wrote his chapter, "Becoming A Father."" "It's, uh, it's very hard not to be involved when you're bringing a new life into the world." "Carol, this is my baby too." "And since I've been a part of its beginning," "I want to be a part of the rest of its life." "It can work, Carol." "We really care for each other, and we love being together, and you'd never have to worry about me looking at another woman." "I don't know, Jody." "I just don't know." "Carol, I promise you that if we get married," "I'll never touch another man again." "[THUNK]" "Excuse me, please." "I think I just stabbed myself." "What's wrong?" "You stick a rusty knife into my heart by leaving the priesthood and you want to know what's wrong?" "Ma, there's no knife in anybody's heart." "I feel I've got an elephant on chest... and he contradicts me." "That's the kind of thing a mother really wants to hear just before she dies." "Sorry, Ma, but the dying act doesn't work anymore." "You're not fooling anyone." "Tim, I don't think you should be quite so hard on her." "Oh, perfect!" "Your mother's at death's door and you have to bring along the bimbo!" "Well, it's true we haven't gotten along quite as well as we might..." "Oh, why stop there?" "While you're at it, why don't you just step forward and spit on the bed?" "Ma!" "Listen, you just remember one thing." "You remember that if anybody asks you who killed your mother, remember to say," ""it was me, Timothy Flotsky, the fallen priest."" "Now get out of here and let me die in peace." "Look, Ma," "I fell in love with Corrine and..." "and I married her." "For the first time in my life," "I did something for me instead of for you." "It's called living your own life, Ma." "But, of course, you wouldn't know about that." "You know..." "all you know about is making my life miserable and treating Corrine like garbage." "You're a real expert at that." "Tim?" "She's not breathing." "Of course she's not breathing." "She's playing her "hold my breath until I get what I want" routine." "Tim, I think she's dead." "She's not dead." "She's dead." "She's not dead." "She's dead." "She's dead!" "She's dead!" "She's dead." "She's dead." "She's dead." "She's dead!" "She's dead!" "She's dead!" "She's dead!" "Okay." "I'll tell him." "Right." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "Don't you ever go to lunch?" "No, I have it catered." "Um, Mr. DiBlazio called." "Said if he doesn't have a payment on your wife's loan by Friday, he sincerely hopes you have a good orthopedic surgeon." "Oh, no..." "Problems?" "Yep." "Oh, you're too nice to have problems." "Thanks, Sal." "You're much too nice." "Uh, Sally?" "Uh... uh, Sally, what are you doing back there?" "Nothing." "Uh, Sally, I'm a married man, remember?" "Oh, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "I..." "I just got carried away." "I mean, it's so hard." "Every day I see you, and you're so..." "incredibly good-looking." "You must know how irresistible you are." "And it's just so hard not to..." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "[SIGHS]" "It's okay." "I'm just really sorry." "Hey, it's really okay." "Anyway..." "I'm sure you must be used to it by now." "Women crawling all over you." "I'm sure you can't even take public transportation anymore." "Well, no, that hasn't happened." "I mean, if Al Pacino ever saw you, he'd probably never leave his house again." "I mean, why bother?" "Well, I don't know about that." "Believe me." "He is a little short, I hear." "I am sorry, Danny, and I promise it'll... it'll never happen again." "From now on, I'll just look at you..." "And be happy." "I don't know, I don't know." "A break is fine, but I think it's a mistake for guys on girders 40 stories high to be horsing around with a Frisbee." "I'll go break it up." "Thanks, Danny." "Any messages, Sal?" "Nothing, uh-uh." "Oh, good." "I'm so bushed." "Oh, thank you." "Oh... oh, oh." "Oh, that's terrific." "Oh, a massage." "Oh.. oh, boy." "That's terrific." "Oh, massages are wonderful." "I really love that." "Oh, and yes, massaging the head." "That's... nice touch..." "very nice touch." "Oh, that's nice." "That's... ooh, hey." "Thank you, thank you..." "Thank you very much..." "Oh, hey..." "Okay, thank you!" "Oh, God." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Your nose got stuck." "That could happen." "It's so hard for me." "I mean, you must know." "You see how women respond..." "To what?" "To you." "You're at that age..." "That time of your life when you're at your most attractive." "Well, yeah... well..." "Oh, you are." "You're so..." "dynamic." "That's what it is." "You're dy... na... mic." "Oh..." "Well, I don't know." "Let's see..." "I've been taking this new Vitamin-B complex." "That's probably what's doing it..." "And it's so hard for me to be around you every day... to... to have to look at you and to feel your presence." "Sometimes I almost feel faint." "Well, that's not eating a good breakfast, Sal." "You know, that's a feeling of faintness, that's all it is." "No." "Yeah..." "It's from you." "No, a couple of eggs, a few sausages, you'll be just fine." "I look at you, and I get weak." "It's been that way for weeks, this weakness." "You're the most masculine man..." "I've ever seen." "It's the plaid shirt, Sal." "You're responding to a plaid shirt." "I got to..." "Where's Danny?" "I got to go find Danny." "If I know Danny, he's joined the Frisbee team." "It's a..." "It's a plaid shirt." "And don't you worry about that." "I mean, I've seen it happen a lot in Oregon... all the time." "Girls fainting over lumberjacks." "Oh, doctor, are you sure?" "Oh, yes, this is definitely a lesion of the brain." "You see, it's the type of lesion that can totally alter a person's behavior." "For example, a completely mild-mannered person might suddenly turn violent." "Well, if that's the case, then surely a man in his condition couldn't be held responsible for his acts." "Oh, no." "Certainly not." "Any behavior induced by the lesion is, of course, entirely beyond his control, and as I understand it, there has been a recent unpleasantness." "Is he referring to the murder or the stock fraud?" "Well, whatever the problem, legally speaking, he is suffering from temporary insanity, and this brain scan alone is medical proof of his condition." "Well, what can be done?" "I mean, about the lesion itself?" "We could do nothing and perhaps the attacks would subside, but, on the other hand, he might become permanently violent, and lastly, he might just drop dead." "Now, on the other hand, we could operate, but, you see, he might not survive the operation." "Or he might come out of the surgery alive, but with the personality of a cod fish." "Well, it's nice to have so many choices." "I just wish one of them were good." "Y..." "Y..." "Yes..." "Well, this decision is... is..." "Thank you." "Yours and yours alone, Mrs. Tate, and, uh, I'm afraid that there is simply not much time." "Oh, yes, I understand." "Of course, it would be much easier if this were a routine surgery but this procedure is far from routine." "It's the kind of surgery that requires an extraordinary combination of knowledge, skill, not to mention courage and stamina." "Yes, well, uh, Jessica," "I think if you had an hour or so alone with your thoughts, then maybe..." "Yes, sir, if I could pull this one off, this would be quite a feat." "Doctor." "Oh, yes!" "Well, that's neither here nor there." "Well, I..." "I guess you'd better go ahead." "You want me to go ahead with the surgery?" "Yes!" "Oh!" "You made a wise decision, Mrs. Tate." "This will be good for everyone concerned, and the chances of your husband pulling through are very good." "And I, of course, will be launched into stardom." "Oh, Mary..." "I didn't know what to do." "Do you think I did the right thing?" "I'm sure you did, Jess." "I'm sure you did." "Golly, it's just such a difficult decision to make." "I know." "Chester might die." "He won't." "But the doctor said..." "No." "He'll be fine, I just know he will." "Do you think so?" "Yes, I do." "Chester is very strong." "That's right." "He is, isn't he?" "Oh, yes, Mary, do you remember the winter we all had the flu and Chester had the flu, and he did all the cooking, flu and all?" "Of course, he did all the eating too..." "Mary, he's just got to be all right." "He has to be." "I don't think I could stand anything else." "I'll buy you a cheeseburger." "With French fries?" "Mm-hmm." "Will Burt and Danny's plan really change Elaine?" "If it does, what will she change into?" "Will Carol accept Jody's proposal?" "Will Tim blame himself for his mother's death forever?" "Or just for the rest of his life?" "What is Sally up to?" "And are either Burt or Danny up to what she's up to?" "Will Eunice ever spend another night with Dutch?" "And if so, will there be passion, desire, lust?" "Or at least some nice refreshments?" "Has Jessica made the right decision, to go ahead with Chester's operation?" "And if it doesn't work out, will she find happiness living with a cod fish?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"