"Did I not say rare?" "He offered to cook you a new one." "That's right." "Wait another 40 minutes?" "Forget about it." "I should have known better." "The French can't do steak." "Steak." "Sports." "War." "They pretty much suck at everything I like." "I'd love to go to France." "Well, you won't be going with me, sweetheart." "You wouldn't go to France." "France, china, jersey, I got a list a mile long." "You're not interested in seeing Paris, the Louvre?" "Honey, I'm almost 40, I have cable," "I can see the Eiffel tower on Tv." "Okay?" "Well, where do you want to go?" "At this age, pretty much, two places I like to go-- uptown and downtown, and right now downtown is starting to get on my nerves." "What?" "I might have to pee again." "You just went when I paid the check." "I know my body." "I'm may to have to go again." "Just give me a second." "You can't hold it?" "I want to go back into that bathroom because I know it's nice." "Relax." "Honey, I don't know if you've noticed, but this is not exactly my neighborhood." "Do you know what I mean?" "Don't be such a homophobe." "I'm not a homophobe." "I saw Elton john live at Madison square garden." "I sat in the third row for two and a half hours." "I have to pee, five minutes." "Lala, be nice." "He likes you." "Uh huh." "Keep moving." "Are you sure it was a gay club?" "Yeah, man, you know, they came out in front." "They were talking and then frank put his arm around the guy and they went off down the street together." "Oh come on, listen to yourself, man." "Frank is not gay." "He can't be." "Right?" "Wrong." "I'm shocked but not surprised." "There has been inklings." "What do you mean, inklings?" "Look if frank is gay, I'm gay." "I'm, I'm not gay." "He's kidding." "All right." "The last couple of weeks he keeps disappearing." "Yeah." "When I ask him where he is going, he tells me to shut up." "It's none of my business." "Well, hank, that doesn't-- what are you guys talking about?" "Frank is gay." "What?" "Yes." "McNEIL saw him coming out of a gay club with his arm around a little boy." "Yep." "Oh, come on." "Of all the guys here, frank is the least likely to be gay." "Who's the most likely?" "Don't worry, it's not you." "As a matter you're pretty far down the list and frank is right behind you, so to speak." "Well, how do you explain what I saw, because" "I don't know, but he's not gay." "Come on." "He's been married to Jeanne for like 20 years." "She's a beard." "Well, who knows?" "Maybe she's a lesbian and they've got some kind of deal worked out." "Oh, so they're both gay." "Yeah." "You guys keep up this excellent detective work and soon we'll all be homosexual." "Yeah, well, not me." "What are we going to do?" "I don't know." "Maybe I should just talk to him." "You know what I mean?" "That's no good." "He's not running around waving a copy of "rump monthly"" "over his head, he's in the closet." "I say we tail him." "No, no way." "Well, let's find out where he's running off to." "I'm not going to tail him." "Tommy?" "Yeah." "Tommy, I've got to go out." "Cover for me, will ya?" "All right." "Look, if you ask about what you saw, he's just going to deny it." "Let me handle this?" "Frankie!" "Oh, I went down to that place in the village last night." "The one you told me about." "Yeah." "It was great." "Did you tell them I sent ya?" "Yeah." "Treated me like a prince." "Good." "So what did you do last night." "Uh, I watched a john Wayne festival on amc." "Now there was an undervalued actor." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Well?" "Follow him." "Modern day America." "Pip, do you know somewhere I can buy a scale." "The kind you weigh yourself on?" "Yeah--my mother's going to Florida tomorrow and she wants one down there." "Why doesn't she buy one in Florida?" "Because she's psychotic." "You should ask frank." "He can get anything you want for free." "You know I'd like to try that." "What?" "Getting stuff for free like frank." "But I can pay." "Come on, it's easy." "I've seen him do it a million times." "Come on." "Ah, pip, I don't know." "Stop, come on." "You know something's going to go wrong." "I don't like this." "Unbelievable." "I mean, that guy is so gay even the g is soft." "He's J." "It's not even the guy I saw him with last night." "Of course not, Frank's a glutton." "He's goes through guys the same way he goes through food." "Right now to him, the world is a great big man-meat buffet." "I don't know." "I think, I think pip's right." "There's got to be an explanation." "Yeah." "Well, that john Wayne thing, that's a little something we call over compensation." "And I didn't tell you this." "We were in the car the other day." "Yeah." "And he starts singing "hello dolly."" "So?" "He knew all the words." "Really?" "All of them." "There's no excuse for that, mike, and you know it." "Uh-oh." "Looks like trouble in paradise." "Frank must have said something." "Yeah." ""I want to be on top tonight."" "He's coming this way." "Come on." "We can get a good look." "Watch your eyebrows." "This guys about to burst into flame." "Are you using the phone?" "No." "No." "No." "Go ahead." "Hey, hey it's me." "Yes, yes, I was just with him, and, oh my god, he's impossible." "He's, no, like I'm supposed to be at his beck and call, like I'm his little slave and he's got all these demands." "No, I know, listen, I wish I could just walk away but you know, I always get so emotionally involved." "Well, he is a monster and I-- he is just so selfish." "No." "I'm going to go back to the office." "Excuse me." "Yes." "Thank you." "Frank is selfish." "I'm just saying." "Why should you pay?" "Just let me do this, okay?" "All right, knock yourself out." "Hey, how are you doing?" "Detective Phillips, 21st precinct." "Hello." "We just stopped by to make sure everything is going okay and let you know we're keeping an eye on things for you." "Now if you ever have any trouble, here's my direct number." "You give me a call." "Uh, by any chance do you sell scales?" "I'm looking for a bathroom scale." "I am here today." "Just I am here." "See there, right there, that's what we're looking for, a scale." "No, no, no, no, down, no, the blue and white." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah, okay." "Do you think he's ever going to come back?" "Hard to say." "Oh, come on, let's just go." "No, Jan. I'm getting you this scale." "Pip, there are plenty other stores in Manhattan where you--ah." "Hello." "One, two." "No, we just need one." "No, it's good." "How much do I owe you?" "You are police?" "That's right." "Forty-six dollars." "No, no, no." "Police." "Forty-six dollars." "This worked out well." "Thanks, fellas." "Have a good one." "Ah." "Here you go." "I don't know, man." "I still can't get my head around this." "Man, you never know about people." "We all have our secrets." "So what if frank is gay?" "Huh?" "It doesn't change anything." "He's still frank, the frank that we know and love." "You've got to tell yourself that." "Yeah." "I hope he's not thinking about us in that way." "I don't know." "I hope he's not thinking about me." "Why would he do that?" "Well, come on." "I'm not a bad looking guy." "Huh." "What?" "What?" "You wouldn't do me if you were gay?" "No man." "You're way too complicated." "Well, who would you do?" "What?" "If you were gay and you had to pick somebody at work, who would you pick?" "I'm not playing." "I'd do Ruben, I think." "He's small like a woman, you know, and he, you know he's, uh, well, women seem to like him." "I mean, Jan's always talking about him." "She's always talking about how soft his hair looks and stuff." "What?" "You've actually given this some thought." "No--Jan was talking about it." "Hey." "Hey." "Your mom like the scale?" "Oh, she wanted beige." "She's never going to like the thing anyway, it's a piece of crap." "I got on it last night, just curious." "It says I weigh 164." "And that's-- high, I mean, I weigh the same as I did in high school, thank you very much." "How much do you weigh?" "Where's Michael?" "Drinking himself to death over this whole "frank is gay" thing?" "Oh, he's all shook up." "Yeah." "It's in the book, in a minute." "You should have heard him yesterday." "First he's wondering if frank, he has a thing for him." "Oh, of course." "Then he starts talking about if he was gay who he'd do at the office." "You're kidding." "It was really weird." "Then he started going on and on about how he'd do Ruben." "He says he's small like a woman, he has nice hair," "I mean, it was really weird." "Oh, my god." "I've got to run upstairs." "Watch my phone, huh?" "Yeah, sure." "He said what?" "Hello, I'm looking for detective Phillips?" "You just missed him." "Can I help you with something?" "Detective Phillips bought a couple of bathroom scales at my store yesterday." "Oh, I was with him." "I was actually the one buying the scale." "Oh, oh, well then, I am here to apologize." "My brother, he told me the scales he gave you," "I was so upset, they are garbage." "I know, I got on it last night and it's says I weigh 165 pounds." "They are all off five, ten pounds." "These are what you want." "These are digital." "These are top of the line." "Oh, well, that's very nice." "Thank you." "I just need the other scales back for inventory." "Oh, well, mine's at my mother's and I don't actually know where his is." "Oh, but you can find them." "I guess so." "Well, as soon as you get them both, you call me." "I'll come right over and pick them up." "Oh, no, no, I'll bring them down." "No, just call me." "I'll come right over." "Yes." "Hey." "Hey." "You been working out?" "Yeah." "Oh great." "Here's your new one." "Hey, hey, see you were wrong." "I told you I was going to get you a scale." "Um-hum." "Hey, this is a beauty." "It's nice, huh?" "Let's see." "These are my heavy shoes." "Hey, jenny Craig, you want to give me a hand?" "I've got to find the Polaroids from the victor file." "Oh yeah, I've got them right here." "Oh, I just had the best lunch." "Tasty." "What was his name?" "Huh?" "Where?" "Like two blocks from here." "The seafood goulash thing, it was delicious." "Listen cover me for a few minutes, will ya?" "I've got to go out." "Yeah, go ahead." "Have fun." "Hey, psst." "What do you got?" "Evidence." "Look." "Harp music." "So?" "Gay guys love harp music." "They do?" "Sure, it's light and airy just like them." "If the instrument itself wasn't so heavy they'd all be playing it." "What's the other one?" "Elton john's greatest hits." "I have that Cd." "What?" "Nothing." "I'm going to talk to him, this is ridiculous." "Well, my vote is already in." "Frank is definitely gay." "Stop saying that." "Don't you think this hurts me too?" "Hey." "Hey." "I like the haircut." "Thanks." "See you later, man." "All right." "What are you doing?" "I don't know about this, pip." "What?" "You had to see this guy, this scale guy, he was like, I don't know, jumpy, upper lip sweating." "If he said that thing is a piece of trash, why does he want it back so badly?" "You didn't ask him why?" "Not really, but it seemed real urgent that he get them both back." "Oh, now it makes sense." "Let's go get him." "Thanks." "So how are you doing?" "I'm good, and you?" "Good." "You know." "I'm good, good." "Um, so the thing I wanted to talk to you about- -listen mike I'm glad you wanted to talk because I've got something, something I've been thinking about sort of weighing on me." "Really?" "Yeah, a personal thing." "Yeah." "How personal?" "Pretty personal." "Uh-Huh." "So what did you want to talk about?" "No, no, you go." "Well, this is hard." "It's kind of a two-part problem." "I've got this thing going on that nobody knows about and I've come to find out-- well, I'm just going to say it." "I'm attracted to somebody at work." "Really." "Who?" "You--I'm gay and I think you're really hot and I want to do it with you." "Frank I've got to tell you" " You moron." "What the hell is a matter with you?" "You actually think I'm gay?" "Shh-no." "Well, that's not what I heard." "Who told you?" "Al." "Al?" "It figures." "Just what is it exactly about me that screams gay?" "The wardrobe?" "The eight dollar and fifty cent haircut?" "The wife of 23 years?" "How am I gay?" "Look, I was the one at work telling people it wasn't possible, but what were you doing coming out of the sex club two nights ago?" "You saw me?" "No, Al did." "Oh, I got a call from wilder downtown." "They're looking for this suspect and gay kid into fat guys." "Oh, chubby chaser." "How did you know that?" "Just, tell you're story." "Well, this guy has already given them the slip once or twice so they send me in." "I cozy up to the guy and tell him I've got a place around the corner and off we go." "Okay, but what about that guy you had lunch with yesterday?" "How about that guy?" "What about him?" "You followed me?" "No." "Tommy did." "You guys are unbelievable." "My wife's sister's girl is getting married." "Your niece." "Yeah, I guess." "Whatever." "So she's got me running all around town like an idiot." "That guy I met, he's the wedding planner." "You want to talk about gay." "Yeah, that guy was floating a foot off the ground." "I thought you said you weren't there." "Tommy told me." "Man, what a relief." "Hey, I'm not laughing." "What?" "I'm very angry with you." "What, because I thought you were, you know." "No, I don't care about that." "It really hurts, mike, because I thought we were pals." "If I was gay, dammit I'd tell ya." "You would?" "Probably not, but I'd want to tell ya." "And I'd hope you'd want to tell me if there was something going on with you." "Of course." "Like this thing with Ruben." "What thing with Ruben?" "The way you like Ruben because he's small like a woman and he's got nice hair and soft lips." "Who told you that, pip?" "No, Al." "Oh, Al knows?" "So, it's true." "No, no, I was having a hypothetical conversation with pip when we thought you were gay." "And I never said anything about his hair and his lips." "That was Jan." "Well, I'm glad you're not gay." "I'm glad you're not gay." "You're not, right?" "Mikey, read my lips." "I am not gay." "Good." "Just curious." "Hey, Ruben, how's it hanging, pal?" "Huh?" "Hey kid, take it easy." "Look, frank." "I'm a very liberal person, but having sex of any kind on the street with another man is just not-- hey, I was on a case." "I didn't have sex with the guy." "I was just talking to him." "Oh, but Al said that you" "Al was wrong." "I'm sorry, frank." "I should know better than to get involved with, with, with work place gossip." "Yes, you should, most definitely." "Hey, I wouldn't do that if I were you." "Why not?" "Well, Mikey's got a real thing for you and he's had a few drinks so he's hornier than hell." "If I were you, I'd go back in the stall and don't come out until I tell you the coast is clear." "Oh, my god." "Okay." "Okay." "You know, I've got to hand it to you." "You only had one thing to go on but you trusted your gut and you went after it." "I'm impressed." "Thank you very much." "And thank you for my scale." "I told you I'd get it, and you thought something was going to go wrong." "Ha, ha, I know." "I guess you can't be right all the time." "Good night." "Good night." "Hey, you've got to bring that scale back." "We need it for evidence." "You better call your mom." "Uh, we're going to have to wait now." "She's on her way to Florida." "She's probably at the airport already." "Oh, my god, pip." "What?" "My mother is at the airport." "The dogs found it in your luggage." "I don't care what your dogs found." "If I miss my flight, I'm going to kick some serious ass." "You hear me?" "?" "Boom boom boom boom?"