"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm David Harewood." "In the news this week, running late before a rally on the environment," "Green Party leader Caroline Lucas rushes through the morning chores." "LAUGHTER" "In London, Simon Cowell's butler admits he's getting a bit fed up with having to deal with his boss' cats." "BELL RINGS" "LAUGHTER" "And after losing his job, Kelvin MacKenzie's week goes from bad to worse as he regrets leaving his tin of toffees out in the sun for too long." "LAUGHTER" "Argh, jeez!" "LAUGHTER" "On Ian's team tonight, a writer and comedian who's won both Celebrity Pointless and Celebrity Mastermind." "So obviously, he's very clever, for a celebrity." "Please welcome Josh Widdecombe." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster who started out on BBC Scotland." "And the way things are going, she'll soon be back there as the BBC's foreign correspondent." "Please welcome Kirsty Wark." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And we start with the biggest stories of the week." "Ian and Josh, take a look at this." "Bananas." "That's Tim Farron on the Krypton Factor." "That's the BBC's top political interviewers, there." "And the reintroduction of grammar schools." "That last one, is it that they're remaking Big, starring Theresa May?" "LAUGHTER" "It's going to be a great film, I can't wait for it." "It's the election, presumably?" "This is the news that fearing Kirsty would give her too easy a ride on Newsnight," "Theresa May subjected herself to The One Show." "Which member of Theresa's team was trusted to appear alongside her?" "It was her husband, Philip." "It was obviously a tough interview." "They went straight in with, "Do you like shoes?"" "LAUGHTER" "Yes, Alex and Matt, the grand inquistadores." "LAUGHTER" " Did she?" " Yes, she did like shoes, as long as they were strong and stable." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Yes, the questions included how did they meet, does he like jackets or jumpers and, "Who takes the bins out?"" " It was him." " That's right." " Philip takes the bins out." " But I've never seen it because they've always got that kind of shot of Number Ten." "You've never seen him just..." "LAUGHTER" "All those first drafts of her speeches..." "I wouldn't give him the job of putting the bins out." "It looks like the bins have put him out." " LAUGHTER" " Poor devil." "But I don't understand, you've got the Prime Minister on and the basis of the BBC line is," ""We won't ask about politics..." ""..cos that would be unfair!"" "That's the Prime Minister!" "So what happens when Jeremy Corbyn comes on?" "He may like that." "But, his partner's not going to go on with him." "No, they can't do a cosy Mr and Mrs, because Mrs won't come on." "So Diane Abbott will go on." "LAUGHTER" "She'll have a problem with the figures, won't she?" "Is it The One Show, The Five Show?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Did you like the answer, Kirsty, that in life there are boy's jobs and girl's jobs?" "That was a focus group job, wasn't it?" "They've definitely done that for that audience, absolutely." "He takes the bins out, she..." " irons?" " I thought it was girls' jobs are being the Prime Minister..." "Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!" "Boy's jobs - being in the City, making money." " Strong and stable." " Strong and stable, yes." " Tie." "No, he didn't wear a tie." " He didn't wear a tie." "Didn't wear a tie, extraordinary behaviour." "LAUGHTER" "Did you hear Theresa's uplifting story about how she inspired a young woman to go into politics?" " Yes, I did." " Did you?" "Was it inspiring?" "It was." "The young woman was inspired by Theresa's shoes to go into politics." "She said, "The only reason I went into politics is your shoes."" "And that woman was Marine Le Pen." "LAUGHTER" "In fact, we can have a look at that clip right now." "Just to tell you a little story, this happened about, I suppose, four or five years ago." "I was in the lift in the House of Commons, and there was a young woman in the lift and I happened to look down and I said, "Oh, nice pair of shoes."" "And she said, "Oh, I like your shoes."" "And then she looked at me and said," ""Your shoes got me involved in politics."" "And now..." "You know?" "LAUGHTER" " It's as easy as that!" " It's as easy as that." "What has Channel 4 News' Michael Crick alleged about Theresa May's campaign?" "It says a Conservative press officer has been refusing to allow questions to Theresa May, unless they have prior approval to speak." "And this is in the Cabinet." "LAUGHTER" "You're not suggesting the questions in Mrs May's meetings are planted?" "I'm not suggesting that at all." "Who is then?" "LAUGHTER" "Kirsty, have you been allowed to ask Mrs May a question?" "She keeps asking to come on, but we're being picky." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Other media outlets have said that they have had no such problems, but Theresa May was heard to accuse someone at a recent factory visit..." "They said, "No, this is a Biro factory."" "LAUGHTER" "You know, she's got a touch of the Trumps, touch of the Erdogans... ..all kicking in." "No, I think she's forgotten this is an election for Prime Minister, not life president and dictator." "At least Jeremy Corbyn is prepared to meet people in the street." "Did you see what happened in Leicester the other day?" " No." " Let's have a look." "Your hair?" "LAUGHTER" "Yes, that's better." " Keep still." " That one." "Do you know what?" "If he takes him on The One Show, that will be amazing." "Yes!" " Is he curing the sick?" " LAUGHTER" "And another man said this to him..." "LAUGHTER" ""We met in the gents toilets."" "He said, "I like your shoes."" "Kirsty, who leaked the Labour Party manifesto to the BBC?" "Was it you?" " LAUGHTER" " You see, there are people that say that actually it was a kind of stunt, because it would mean that it would come out and get a bit more play and then Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't have to launch it next week," "the attention wouldn't all be on Jeremy Corbyn because it would be out there." "I think they had to leak the Labour pledges early in case the Tories just stole all of them." "LAUGHTER" "I mean they've done that with electricity, they might have done a lot really." "But would they actually say" " they would only use a nuclear deterrent with caution?" " Yeah." " That was an extraordinary one." " Is that unreasonable?" "LAUGHTER" " JOSH:" " It should have said, cos it was a draft, if it just said," ""We're going to be gung ho with nuclear deterrents."" "And then a little note by it, "Change this later."" "LAUGHTER" "After the Labour Party's manifesto was leaked on Wednesday, many commentators agree it's a great shame to see all this Labour Party infighting during the election." "I mean, come on, guys, it's your last one ever." "LAUGHTER" "Would you like to see Diane Abbott explaining the number of seats lost by Labour at last week's local elections?" "Do you know the number of net losses so far for Labour?" "At the time of us doing this interview," "I think the net losses were about 50." "There are actually 125 net losses so far." "Well, the last time I looked we had net losses of... 100." "But obviously..." "LAUGHTER" "Sounds a bit like a doctor checking for concussion." "LAUGHTER" "Should ask her who the Prime Minister is." "Did you see how Ed Miliband this week proved what an uphill struggle" " it is for Labour to keep the traditional working-class vote?" " No." " No." " He was actually in Doncaster where he met an MP and tried to chat to a few locals who were unimpressed and told the Sunday Times..." "LAUGHTER" "This is obviously the election campaign and the fierce grilling of Mr and Mrs May on The One Show, so-called because it's the one show Theresa May's prepared to go on." "LAUGHTER" "Mr and Mrs May met at university and have been together ever since." "But, as we know, even though she's remained with him all this time," "Theresa could change her mind and leave at any minute." "LAUGHTER" "According to the Daily Mail..." "Corbyn doesn't want that." "He'd have to sleep with Diane Abbott all over again." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Also this week, Amber Rudd told reporters that being Home Secretary was a bit like the TV series Homeland, saying..." "Hang on a minute, six series?" "They told me they stopped making it after they blew me up in series two." "LAUGHTER" "Bastards!" " Can't trust anybody." " Paul and Kirsty, here's one for you." "Yes." "Avocado..." " Avocado-gate." " Avocado-gate, is it?" "SIREN BLARES, LAUGHTER" "Thanks for putting the sound on, I would have been confused as to what that vehicle was doing!" "Yes, it seems to be avocados are causing damage amongst people" " in Great Britain, is that right?" " Yeah, there's been a lot of hands..." " It's soft, it's soft, what's that?" " Hand problems, hand surgery." " Really?" "!" " Yes, lots of it." "You'll never carve another avocado again." "Those must be grim words to hear on a Friday night." "At last we've got a proper liberal, metropolitan story." "That guy from Doncaster's turned off, hasn't he?" "Exactly!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Well, poofs talking about fruit." "LAUGHTER" "I bet someone's just turned on at that moment." "LAUGHTER" "Apparently the injuries are greater at the weekends." "In Glasgow, on Saturday night when you go to AE..." "Oh, yes, avocado, yeah." ""You'll have to get this one out, Doctor."" "LAUGHTER" ""Oh, Jesus Christ!" ""That's the last time I talk about football, I tell you that much."" "This is the shocking rise in avocado-related injuries." "At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London..." "LAUGHTER" " This is shocking!" " Chelsea, yeah." "It's a shocking rise." " Shocking!" " At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London, surgeon Mr Eccles said he now treats about four patients a week." "Though, disappointingly, he's never encountered an injury from a cake filled with currants." "LAUGHTER" "So what's the name given by AE surgeons," " to this avocado-related injury?" " Idiocy." "LAUGHTER" "I think I know." "It's avocado hand." "Very, very good - point there." "Avocado hand - where amateur cooks have slashed their hand trying to cut into the fruit and remove the stone." "It's like stigmata." "I think the Irish police will be round for you." "LAUGHTER" "Walking round Glasgow on a Saturday night going, "Stigmata!"" "They didn't get Stephen Fry, they'll get you." "Who can give us the definitive technique for safely de-stoning?" " Get somebody else to do it." " LAUGHTER" "It's very simple, you cut the avocado..." " KIRSTY:" " Yep." "Yep, how do you get the stone out?" " JOSH:" " Hoover." "Guppy fish." " JOSH:" " Guppy fish!" "What does cafe owner Catherine Scott think avocados should be accompanied by?" " A health warning." " Yes." "Small children mustn't try this, you must be 18 to cut an avocado." " JOSH:" " Like on cigarettes, pictures of avocado injuries." " KIRSTY:" " Avocado hand." "Four out of five avocado eaters can't grip a joystick." " JOSH:" " Why are you doing that?" " You can't take Glasgow out of the girl..." " Finger loss." "Avocados should come with a health warning, that's right." "Catherine cut herself whilst slicing and avocado and said she got no sympathy from her family." " They're from Doncaster." " They just..." "LAUGHTER" "But they soon stopped when she bashed them over the head with her Brabantia pedal bin." "LAUGHTER" "This of course is the dreadful news that more and more middle-class people are injuring themselves preparing food, especially avocados, and that's just for starters." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit Of News." "Fingers on buzzers, please, and here is the first one." "BUZZER" " Trump." " He's excelled himself, he's shocked even America, by sacking a man who's investigating him." " KIRSTY:" " Mr Comey's in trouble." "But he only knew he was in trouble because he was actually attending an FBI staff meeting, and something came on the television behind that he'd been sacked." "And he said, "That's such a joke, you guys."" " JOSH:" " He thought he was being pranked?" " KIRSTY:" " Yes, FBI director thought he was being pranked." "Perhaps he should have just maintained that line." " Yeah." " And then Trump said, "No, no, you're fired." "Oh!"" "Quite shocking, isn't it?" "It's doubly shocking because he's replaced him with Melania Trump." "LAUGHTER" "No, she'd lock him up!" "LAUGHTER" "I have no evidence for that!" "What was the official reason for the shock dismissal of James Comey?" "Because he's bad at his job." ""He's so bad at his job that I am still the President."" ""He's failed to catch me!" "How bad is he?"" "What has Donald Trump written in his letter to James Comey?" " What did he write?" " Is that where he said, "You're terminated"?" " That's right." " It's like being on The Apprentice, isn't it?" " He just said, "You're fired."" " Yeah." "He said, "You're terminated."" "He was mixing up his programmes." " JOSH:" " And then James Comey got a wheelie suitcase and had to walk out." "LAUGHTER" "Had to sit in a taxi, and go, "I thought I did well, actually!"" "LAUGHTER" "And let's just remind ourselves of the President's signature." "Absolutely nothing unhinged in that." "If that was on a life-support machine you'd be in trouble, wouldn't you?" "LAUGHTER" "How did the White House press Secretary Sean Spicer try to avoid reporters' questions?" "Hid in the bushes while he talked to some members of the press." " Oh, you're kidding." " No, it's true." "They are completely nuts." "Sean Spicer actually hid in some bushes in the White House garden and only agreed to answer questions if the cameramen turned out their lights." "Are they doing Halloween 4?" "This is true!" "This is actual truth." "After carrying this story, the Washington Post then published this correction." "Trying to make out he was talking to two Bushes, ex-President Bush and the other President Bush." "What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?" " That he doesn't have one." " That's right." " He doesn't do any." " No." "He believes that in order to live longer we should not do any exercise." "This is good news." "LAUGHTER" "Apparently there's been some more shock news on the jobs front." "Anyone know who's resigned this week?" "Marlene McGregory from Glasgow, who's quit her job as a cleaner with this resignation letter." "IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Dear Mr MacGillivray." ""Notice of termination of employment." ""The job's crap and I'm leaving." ""I'll no' be back after June 30th." ""Cannae wait." "Good luck in getting some other mug to clean your place." ""Cheerio, Marlene."" "APPLAUSE" "That was my off-the-cuff Scottish accent." "I didn't think this show would end up with me accusing you of racism." "LAUGHTER" "Now, this, of course, is the controversial sacking of FBI chief James Comey." "The decision to sack Mr Comey came from the very top," "Vladimir Putin." "Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one." "BUZZER" "I don't know what this is, but that's what they used to call a hobbyhorse, isn't it, so this must be some sort of hobbyhorse racing?" " That's right." " Is it?" " Yes." "This is the news that hobbyhorsing is the latest craze to hit the Finnish teens." "Shall we have a look at a bit of hobbyhorsing?" " Yes, absolutely." " Let's do it." "Now if a sport ever needed to be drug tested, it's that one." "Very bleak footage where one of them falls and they have to put a curtain around the hobbyhorse." "Are there no horses in Finland?" "No!" "It's actually estimated that there are more than 10,000 people hobbyhorsing in Finland" " and 200 people..." " Who's estimated that, Diane Abbott?" "LAUGHTER" "200 people competed in the national championships recently." "Let's have a quick game of Don't Be An Idiom." "What is the origin of the hobbyhorse?" "I think it's before we had horses, wasn't it?" "Because you wouldn't bother with that if there was a real horse over there!" "You wouldn't bother with a stick and stick his head on it, would you?" "That would be perverse." "In the 1400s, it was a small horse, then it became a horse costume worn by Morris dancers." " KIRSTY:" " Bloody Morris dancers!" " Let's have a look." "There he is." "Does my arse look big in this?" "This is the latest craze to hit Finland." "It's such an obsession with Finnish girls that they are out on their hobbyhorses from dawn till dusk." "That's a whole hour." "LAUGHTER" "According to an enthusiast, hobbyhorsing has a feminist agenda, especially if during a race one of the other girls throws herself in front of your horse." "Now it's time for the Odd One Out round." "Li Liangwei, Reza Parastesh, Charlie Chaplin and Christopher Hayward." "BUZZER" "Right, it's got to be lookalikes, I know that, because the guy in the top left is China's premier Donald Trump impersonator." "It makes you wonder, the people that turn up if he can't do the gig." "That's obviously Jeremy Corbyn." "I'm assuming it's a lookalike of Jeremy Corbyn down there." "Charlie Chaplin, he had lookalikes cashing in on his fame while he was making films, is it about lookalikes?" "Which is the odd one out?" "It's Charlie Chaplin, cos he's not a lookalike of himself." "That's absolutely right." "They are all successful lookalikes apart from Charlie Chaplin, who, despite inspiring countless lookalikes, was originally told to change his trademark look as it would never be a success." "Yeah." "He was told to get rid of his moustache..." " Who by?" " Hitler." "In a newly discovered letter written by bosses of the film studio Universal in 1912, it suggested that Charlie Chaplin should lose his name and his moustache and change his hat to a beret." "He didn't invent the costume until 1913, so how was the letter written in 1912?" "Well, maybe they were just looking at his act." "Yeah, yeah, yes, I'll let it go." "LAUGHTER" "Being a lookalike can be a dangerous business, as Iranian student Reza Parastesh found out this week." "Who is Reza the absolute spitting image of?" "He's Lionel Messi." "Yes, that's the one." "It's Barcelona star football player Lionel Messi." " It's uncanny." " Unbelievable, that." " KIRSTY:" " Amazing." " JOSH:" " That's..." "That's just Lionel Messi!" "He's going, "Do you know what, I bet I could make an extra £100" ""as a lookalike of myself."" "He looks so much like Messi, he causes traffic chaos in his home city of Iran." "Reza's father takes his son's similarities to Messi to heart." "Anyone know what his father did when Messi scored a winning goal against Iran in the 2014 World Cup?" "Threw him out of the house or something like that?" "Exactly right." "He banned him from the house." "LAUGHTER" "Having joined a lookalike agency, Reza Parastesh, the Iranian Lionel Messi, is now getting a lot of bookings." "In fact, last week he was sent off." "Now, Li Liangwei is China's only Donald Trump impersonator." "So is he making a living from this?" "Apparently." "Now what criticism of his impersonation does Li Liangwei agree with?" "He doesn't look like him." "He doesn't sound like him." "He makes no attempt to appear like him?" "He doesn't even know who Donald Trump is?" "He admits that he looks absolutely nothing like Donald Trump." "But what is the one aspect of Trump that Li thinks he's got down to a T?" "Hand gestures?" "Exactly." "Trump's thumbs up gesture, which his agent says is spot-on." "Let's compare the two." "Now there isn't a single thing about him that looks like the President of the United States, is there?" "But unbelievably, that's what Donald Trump is." "LAUGHTER" "Anyone want to see a Chinese pheasant that looks more like Donald Trump than the Chinese Donald Trump lookalike?" " Yes, please." " Um, yeah." " Well, here it is." "APPLAUSE" "What links North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un and an unobservant mum in Derby?" "A refusal to watch ITV." "Jake tweeted this." "Here it is." "LAUGHTER" " JOSH:" " That is amazing." "That is hilarious." "Now it's time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication Up Yer Kilt." "Do you know this?" " I subscribe." " Do you?" " JOSH:" " Page Three is harrowing." "Which is a Scottish metal detecting magazine." "What are you going to find up there?" "That's why you need a special detector." "And we start with," "Pope Francis to what for the first time in Vatican history?" "Is it marry a supermodel?" " JOSH:" " Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?" "LAUGHTER" "The answer is - "Pope Francis to appear in a feature film."" "Oh!" "The Pope has appeared in a new film which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next week." "The Pontiff's acting was praised but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying" ""Let there be lights, camera, action."" "Next, the worst thing about metal detecting is what?" "The hours, the loneliness..." "The fact that you don't trust anybody..." "Do they love you or just your collection of metal?" "The actual answer is " ""The worst thing about metal detecting is the rivalry" " "between different groups." ALL:" " Yes!" "It's a real shame, every time they bury their differences, some idiot digs them up again." "LAUGHTER" "Next, attention-seeking gorilla wows crowds at zoo by performing what?" " JOSH:" " Oh, it's the drum solo from the Dairy Milk advert." " I was amazed at that." " Yeah." "Actually, it's ballet routines." "Here's a picture of the animal mid-performance in the Devonshire zoo." " JOSH:" " Oh, wow." "Sadly this piece didn't actually feature in the Sun newspaper, as they'd just sacked their gorilla expert." "LAUGHTER" "And finally, what dragged mercilessly offstage for what mid-performance?" " JOSH:" " "FBI chief dragged mercilessly offstage for doing his job" ""mid-performance."" ""Attention-seeking gorilla dragged mercilessly offstage" ""for forgetting the words to Give Me A Man At Midnight mid-performance."" " I'd like to see that." " So would I, have you got a clip for it?" "Where do we look?" "It's actually - "Dancing Pikachu dragged mercilessly" ""offstage for deflating mid-performance."" "At the Pokemon World Festival, one Pikachu's costume started to deflate midway through the big dance performance." "Let's have a look." "LAUGHTER" "Brilliant." "So the final scores are Paul and Kirsty with nine points, and Ian and Josh with five points." "I'm very sorry!" "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists " "Ian Hislop and Josh Widdecombe, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark - and I leave you with news that Buckingham Palace denies reports that Prince Philip's decision to retire from royal duties may have been due to his failing eyesight." "As tensions rise on the border of North and South Korea," "Kim's troops line up every weapon available." "And as the number of avocado-related accidents increase, there's also evidence of the terrible injuries that can be inflicted when slicing a red pepper." "Goodnight." "APPLAUSE"