"Okay." "It's scary to meet your boyfriend's mom." "This is such a disaster." "Not at all." "My nose has stopped bleeding, and this is an old shirt." "I did love that vase." "I swear, I tripped on a marble." "I..." "I know." "I mean, it's weird that we can't find it, but I'm sure it's real." "Here, mom." "Babe, are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I-I just got a little bit nervous." "I know how important your mom is to you." "I see her picture every time I'm in your bed." "Yeah." "Wait." "You've been in his bed?" "I'm gonna throw up." "Oh, again?" "Plus, Travis scared me." "He said that you always embarrass him whenever he brings a girl home." "Travis," "I said I would never do that again." "* Hi, Kristen * What was that?" "What was what?" "It's starting again." "* Hi, Kristen * Hi, Kristen!" "Hi, Kristen!" "Hey, Kristen." "Okay, everybody, big finish." "Hi, Kristen" "It's Kirsten, but you can call me whatever" "I hate that I'm singing" "She's like a nervous little bird." "Did you want something to drink?" "Maybe, like, a glass of wine or... yes." "Whoa, whoa." "Hey." "Gotta be 21 to drink in this house." "She's a grad student." "She's 23." "Let us help you get your bag upstairs and unload." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, here." "Uh, this is a lot of laundry, probably." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, boy, this is heavy." "Right." "Let's go unload." "You know what those idiots are doing, yes?" "Whoo!" "23, baby!" "23!" "Right on!" "Yeah!" "Whoa!" "That is my boy!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Wow, how'd your old girlfriend from High School take it?" "Was she crushed?" "You'll be back." "Let's go, turbo." "Yeah, she was totally crushed." "But what are you gonna do?" "I mean, Kirsten's amazing." "Yeah." "How amazing?" "Like..." "Chicka-bow-wow" "How would you guys rate that on the creepo meter?" "About infinity?" "Screw it." "She said it was the best ever." "What up?" "!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "* Bow chicka-bow-wow *" "How come he gets to do it?" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Quick dad moment." "Trav, be responsible." "Remember mom's song?" "* If you're headed in a sexy direction *" "* You better use contraception *" "* 'Cause babies destroy your dreams *" "It's weird that we all know that song." "All right, you kids make yourself at home." "I gotta get back to work." "Everybody else, let's clear out." "Okay." "Okay." "So what do we think of her?" "Do you think she wears perhaps a skosh too much makeup?" "Mm-hmm." "Impossible." "There's no such thing." "You look like you poured your makeup on the floor and rolled around in it." "Poppy, the transsexual at the makeup counter I frequent, would beg to differ." "Well, I like Kristen." "Do you have any cookies?" "No, but he does hide candy bars on the top shelf behind the cereal." "Someone's got an eating disorder." "Total manorexic." "Does he have any coconut water?" "Oh!" "Coconut water..." "I got a hankering for some juice." "I can't believe you just let them all in here." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I rarely listen to you." "What'd you say?" "Once they're in, they're never gonna leave." "They're like human bedbugs." "Zoned again." "What?" "Mmm." "Hope you don't mind." "I threw a quick load in the washer." "Bedbugs." "Hey, we don't have to go to my dad's boat if you're feeling..." "I'm not tired." "Although I should probably get a... get a sweater?" "Yeah." "I'll wait here." "Okay." "The only person who could ever finish my sentences was my foster brother." "That's why we dated." "Relax." "We were 10, and he moved back to Romania before we did anything major." "Come on." "So she finishes his sentences." "Big deal." "I can do that." "Hey, mom." "Can you..." "Toss you an apple?" "Sure." "Uh, no, I just wanted a..." "Banana." "Done." "Okay." "Stop throwing fruit." "Just need a... bacon?" "Batteries!" "Tissues." "Ah." "Nailed it." "It's like you're inside my brain." "Face it, Jules." "You met the man you married in college." "It's a big difference." "Travis is 19." "I was 19 1/2." "Brother-kisser is right." "All of Travis' girlfriends now are potential daughters-in-law." "Then one of them's gonna convince Travis to yank your feeding tube out." "What are you trying to do to me?" "I'm winding you up like a toy robot and letting you go." "Laurie." "I'm sorry." "Wow." "So is your dad, like, some sort of eccentric genius?" "Yes." "Except for the genius part." "I could use a little break from your parents." "Maybe tonight we could hang out, just the two of us." "Oh, God." "Why the sad sigh?" "You weren't napping?" "Thought this would be like sleeping in a cloud, but it's just terrifying." "Whoa!" "Kirsten and I have only been together once, and, yeah, she said it was amazing, but I had a cold." "I was all goofy on cough syrup." "Dad, I don't remember what I did." "You know, what if I'm no good next time?" "Sounds like you got a classic case of R.P.A.... repeat performance anxiety." "Did you know that your dad's bathroom is a fish tank?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "It's okay!" "I got a seat belt on this bad boy." "Ohh." "I know that I'm gonna lose Travis someday, bu-bu-the thought of it is just so scary that sometimes" "I act a little crazy." "Disagree with me." "Oh, you don't." "Not at all." "No, no." "I do." "Someone needs to stop me before I do something stupid." "You need a Jules Cobb-stopper." "Laurie, you could be my Cobb-stopper." "You chose me?" "Ohh." "What's up, number two?" "How's my dust taste?" "Jules knows that if I talk to Kristen, she'll just mention some indie band to me that I've never heard of, and then I'll see her hot, young ass, and I'll have to punch her in the face." "Oh." "Laurie, this is not gonna be easy." "I'm gonna get mean, but no matter what, do not stop Cobb-stopping!" "That's hard to say." "Do not stop Cobb-stopping." "Oh!" "It is hard to say." "Not for me." "Oh, hey, guys." "So I cooked us a little family dinner for tonight." "Ooh." "Kirsten actually wanted me to take her out for pizza." "Oh." "But whatever." "I-it's cool." "Whatever." "I can do whatever." "No." "Me whatever." "It's..." "It's cool." "Whatever." "No." "I mean, whatever." "Wh-whatever you want, Travis." "You've been on the job for two seconds, and she's already asking her son to choose between his mother and the cute blonde that he's doinking." "Well, yeah, I think we're gonna stick with the pizza." "No biggie." "More for me." "Sweetie, do you need Big Joe?" "He'll never leave." "Ohh." "Thank you." "God, I love you." ""Aw, you're a doodlebug." "No, you're a doodlebug."" ""Oh!" "Nibbly-face."" "Ugh." "Oh, hey, mom." "Hey, guys." "Kirsten made scones." "They're my granny's recipe." "She taught me before she died." "Oh, that's so sweet." "Oh, okay." "See ya." "She made scones, Grayson." "Ohh." "Thank you." "Kristen said that her grandmother gave her the recipe right before she died." "Really?" "You know, when my soul is being ripped from my body," "I'm gonna be yelling, "no, no!" "Please!" "I'm not ready yet!"" "I'm not teaching people how to make scones." "2... tablespoons... butter." "Ow!" "Get... get off me." "Why is tom here?" "His house was sprayed by that skunk that's in the neighborhood." "Smells so bad, I just sit in my yard all day." "Am I part of gang now?" "Calm down." "We'll see." "Grayson, I don't think you're being a very good host." "Go make some coffee." "Yeah, go make some coffee." "Cream, no sugar." "That'd be great." "I'd like a tea." "Tom can have my place in the gang." "Uh, what?" "Ohh." "Kristen is trying to battle me for Travis's soul." "Is she really?" "I don't know, but she bakes stuff." "I'm heading back over there." "I need my Cobb-stopper." "Hey, where's Grayson?" "Sorry." "I only have one coffee cup." "Why aren't you leaving?" "Ooh, this is fun." "I feel Japanese." "Irasshaimase!" "Hey, dad, can I talk to you for a sec?" "I only have, like, ten minutes." "I'm supposed to be jogging." "I know talking about sex can be tough..." "But you look really uncomfortable." "Hey, this is guy talk, buddy." "They're guys." "Now the best way for me to help is to demonstrate how I make romance with the ladies." "G-love, on my lap." "You picked him?" "Come on." "He's just a little more feminine than you." "I only shave my legs to swim faster." "Okay, this is a bad idea." "You know what?" "I'm old enough to handle it on my own." "Well, if you need me, Grayson's door is always open." "Trav, being good at sex isn't something you can learn." "You gotta be born with it, and let's just say," "I've t the gift." "He does." "My window faces your window." "Ohh." "Go home, tom." "Okay." "Okay." "Is to think about baseball, but you know what works for me?" "I always just imagine her without a face." "I think I actually read that tip in Ted Bundy's biography." "Thanks for the horrible advice, but I have get back from my jog now." "Ah." "Oh." "Hi." "You're looking for that marble, aren't you?" "Yeah." "Oh." "I'm an idiot." "Oh, no, you're not." "I am so glad that you came to visit." "You're so nice." "Trav and I really wanted to come this weekend, in case we go to see my parents for Thanksgiving." "Oh!" "Oh, no." "No." "Just breathe, Jules." "I'm gonna head upstairs and take a quick shower." "Do you guys know where Trav is?" "Well, you're such a control freak about how he's gonna spend his holidays, you tell me." "What... what's happening?" "Just shower, and don't look back." "This is no marble, and you know it!" "Okay, Laurie, I've got more to say to her." "Would you get out of my way?" "!" "No!" "I am Cobb-stopping!" "When you get like this, you can't pull out of it, and you always regret it." "Liar!" "I don't know why I'm surprised." "You lie to the world every single day with your cheap dye job." "It's so yellow, it looks like chicken fat." "You said you'd be mean, but, wow, that cut like a knife." "Just knocked out a 4k." "Whew." "Where's Kristen?" "I think she's upstairs." "Oh." "Cool." "Where did Laurie go?" "We need to talk." "Nice shoulders." "Thanks?" "If you want my help, you're gonna have to ask." "Please help me." "Please." "Bobby's covering my kitchen in newspaper and sharpening a knife." "That can't be good." "He's probably just gutting a boar." "They won't leave." "How come they never hang out here?" "You have to build some kind of barrier to keep them out." "Hey, Ellie, do you got any more of that..." "Shh!" "Stan's sleeping." "Sorry." "Okay." "Like, what kind of barrier?" "You don't have to whisper, 'cause Stan's at the park with the nanny." "Wow." "I'm, like, down here, and you're, like, up here." "Even higher." "Look, Jules has some Travis issues, so she's gonna steamroll you." "She's like a shark, Kristen." "Do you know what you do when a shark comes at you?" "You punch it in the nose." "Can I have my clothes back?" "Jules is threatened by you because you're 23, but, honey, you're acting like a little kid." "If I busted into my shower and took my clothes from me," "I'd be all, "gimme back my clothes, you sexy townie ho!"" "Go ahead." "You try it." "Gimme back my clothes, you sexy girl!" "N..." "I left out the "townie ho" part, because I feel like you're being nice to me, even though you are doing it in a scary, threatening way." "Oh, boy." "Okay." "Here you go." "Thank you." "Just remember, shark punch." "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Whoa." "Cold feet." "I missed you." "Come here." "Uh..." "I'm sorry." "You know, it's just, my mom's right down the hallway, and I'm still pretty zonked from that jog." "Oh." "All right." "Why am I such a fitness fanatic?" "This place sucks." "The window's a no-go." "Try the doorbell again." "I've done this before." "Good." "Ohh!" "Whoa!" "We just came by to watch the "designing women"" "we recorded." "Man, back in the day, delta Burke was really bringing' it." "Pow!" "Pow!" "I have a bad back." "Ah, good morning, early bird." "Oh, speaking of birds, I was thinking about Thanksgiving, and if you want Travis to come to your house, you're gonna have to cut him out of my arms." "Orange juice?" "No, thanks." "I think I'll have some breakfast wine." "You can't drink my wine." "I brought this wine as a gift, therefore it is my wine, and I will drink whatever I want, you sexy townie ho." "I wouldn't." "How cool is that with the sheet?" "I gave you the impression that I'm some kind of kid, but I'm a woman, Jules." "You don't even like wine, do you?" "Yes, I do." "I've just never had it right after brushing my teeth." "I've had it while brushing my teeth." "Well, that's one for Jules." "Travis is too young to drink." "You'd better not be encouraging him." "I don't let him drink." "Ooh!" "That's one for Kristen." "You don't decide what my son can do." "Travis, get down here and have a glass of wine!" "You know what, Jules?" "I... oh." "Oh!" "Marble!" "I told you!" "Well, at least you didn't break anything this time." "Pshaw." "No!" "Big Joe!" "Oh, my God!" "I am so, so sorry." "He was family." "What's goin' on?" "Your Uncle Joe is dead, but you're allowed to start drinking." "Sounds like a plan." "You have not been there for me once this weekend!" "Kristen." "It's Kirsten!" "Are you kidding me?" "I'm sorry, Laurie." "I cannot do what you told me to do." "Kri..." "Kirsten." "What'd you tell her to do, chicken fat?" "Wait, wait, wait!" "I want to enjoy this." "Go." "Hey." "Don't ever knock." "I didn't." "Trav tells me that you guys filled his head with tall tales about how great you guys are in the sack." "We're gonna tell him the truth." "Me first." "Please don't." "Trav, I'm bad at sex." "There's a lot of thrashing' and thumpin', but nothin' really gets done." "I'm like a broken dishwasher." "Andy, you're up." "Okay, fine." "I get such pre-sex jitters that I have to do a confidence dance." "G-man, take us home." "I get so terrified of living up to expectations, that my butt gets really cold." "Now I can only hook up under, like, tons of blankets or with, like, a hot water bottle on it or..." "You see, Trav, that's what being a man is... living in constant fear of disappointing a woman." "Well, thanks for the advice, dad, Andy, chilly tush, but it's too late." "Kirsten already hates me." "Mm." "It's not cold now, weirdo!" "Actually, it is cold." "It's a little cold." "It is?" "Yeah." "I can't believe you went behind my back and told her to stand up to me!" "How are you this tiny and this strong?" "You're like an ant." "You're supposed to be on my side." "This isn't about you, Jules." "Come on." "What's going on?" "I blew it with Kirsten." "Everybody in the kitchen." "They need to talk." "No." "Tell me what's going on." "Tom!" "I'm reading." "Fine." "I pushed Kirsten away over something so dumb!" "* You are really dumb *" "I don't know how to fix it." "Well, we could run away together." "What?" "I'm just kidding." "Unless you want to." "You and Kirsten are so close that there is nothing that could've happened in two days that would ever change that." "Really." "You just need to go talk to her." "Okay." "Thanks for being so cool to her." "She didn't say anything?" "No." "Oh." "Then you're welcome." "We fix it?" "Yeah." "Hey, chilly tush." "That spread quickly." "So it's official." "I have to walk the streets to get any peace." "You must be happy." "Why does everyone think I enjoy watching them fail?" "Because you do." "That's true, but our houses our like dominoes." "If yours falls, mine is next." "Ya gotta get them out." "Find a way." "Skunk." "Find a way." "Aah!" "Imaginary hat." "Imaginary clown nose." "Merp, merp!" "What are we doing?" "Why does nobody get this?" "I'm so sorry for being such a... insecure jerk." "You're still finishing my sentences." "I'm gonna go grab my wallet, throw on some sweet body spray... no body spray..." "Then we're going out." "So have you had a fun weekend here?" "Oh, yeah." "It was fantastic." "Will you come sit with me, please?" "Don't be afraid." "Come here." "I know that I can get crazy when it comes to Travis." "I mean, everyone is sick of it." "It's really bad." "I know, but the upside of having a boyfriend with a psycho mom is that I've taught him to be the type of guy that someone like you would want to be with." "So the way he always opens the door for me?" "You're welcome." "How he never looks at other girls?" "You're welcome." "The way he kisses?" "Yeah." "You're welcome." "I did teach him..." "On his teddy bear, so I'm rolling with it." "What's up?" "My place is a stink pit." "Okay." "Grab me a soda." "Thanks." "Let me say yes first." "Yes." "See, we women have a great responsibility." "We have the power to control the men in our lives." "I said soda, not slowda!" "Don't abuse it like I do." "Be nice to my boy." "I promise, Jules." "Thanks." "I don't wanna know what this conversation is about, do I?" "No, you don't, sweetie." "Ooh." "Less ice." "Let me say yes, damn it." "Yes." "Men." "Jeez." "We are all here to pay respect to Big Joe." "He was always there for me when I needed him." "Ellie." "I remember when I first met Big Joe." "He was holding 8,000 pennies in an antique store." "I walked right by, but Jules... she gave him a home." "I'll see ya at the crossroads, homey." "I know we weren't dating, but I buried both of my parents last year, and none of you came." "Anyway, with good-byes come new beginnings." "Everyone, say hello to big Carl." "Ohh." "Rest in peace, Big Joe."