"( Morse code beeping )" "Those guys in London got to be kidding." "Snatch four prisoners from the Krauts?" "And it's got to be done tonight." "Who do they think I am, John Wayne?" "( imitating John Wayne ):" "That's about the size of it." "Uh, the underground radio will transmit the details of the plan in five minutes." "Round up the boys for a meeting." "I'll wait for the message." "Right." "Oh, Colonel, we got roll call in a few minutes." "Right." "If I'm not there, start without me." "Halt!" "( brakes squealing )" "Was ist los?" "No traffic beyond this point." "The bridge is out." "I never heard of a bridge on this road." "When did they build it?" "A few minutes ago." "Muller, Schmidt-- schnell!" "In the ditch, and get their weapons." "Which one of you is the leader of this group?" "I am." "I speak for these men." "What's the name you use in the underground?" "And it better be the right one." "I'm called Sparrow." "That's it." "Colonel Hogan." "Ja." "Everybody out of the truck." "Carter, get this truck off the road." "CARTER:" "Right away, Colonel." "( engine starting )" "Can you vouch for these men?" "Ja, Ja." "We all work together in the underground, Colonel." "We were captured at the same time." "Everybody down." "All right, look." "Orders from London are to hide you until the Krauts stop looking for you." "Then we'll smuggle you to England." "Four men?" "Is it possible?" "No, but we'll do it anyway." "First thing is to get you into Stalag 13." "You hide us in a prisoner-of-war camp?" "We're the only motel for miles around." "How shall we get there?" "Hitch a ride with the next truck that comes along... anytime now." "Are you sure it will be safe, Colonel?" "We're a small organization, but we have a large payroll." "( dog whimpering )" "You are late, Schnitzer." "I had a flat tire." "Need any help?" "Stick to your own business." "Oh, excuse me." "Everybody wants to be an expert nowadays." "Finished." ""Finished."" "( barking )" "( speaking French )" "It's only me, Uncle Louis." "Quiet." "Psst." "What's going on in town, Schnitzer?" "Eh, town." "Any excitement?" "Eh, excitement." "Any new girls around?" "Eh, girls." "Always good to talk to you." "I get all the news." "( engine starting )" "Wiedersehen." "Eh, auf Wiedersehen." "( growling )" "Down." "Down." "It's only Uncle Schultzy." "LeBeau, get up the ladder;" "make sure the coast is clear." "Oui, Colonel." "Hey, hold it, Colonel." "Look at this." "It's wet." "It sure is." "Hey, that's got to be water." "Well, it ain't champagne." "Kinch, what happened?" "Beg to report, Colonel... one of our tunnels is missing." "You're kidding." "The emergency?" "Right." "Happened while you were out." "Well, that's swell." "Beautiful." "Good job we didn't try to come back in that way." "It's an old water line, Colonel." "The pipe is rusted through, and there's a hole in it that big." "What are the chances?" "Well, I don't know." "I might be able to get a sleeve around it if we can get at it." "There's a lot of mud to be moved." "We've got to get these men out through that tunnel within the next few days." "Well, you can forget that." "We got a bigger problem." "Enough water could undermine this whole side of the camp." "Okay, we start digging." "Right, first thing in the morning, we start digging." "We dig now." "Oh, have a heart, Colonel." "We've been out here mucking about for hours." "We're done in." "We'd do a lot better after a good night's kip." "Well, legally you can't demand that we dig now." "I-It's inhuman, indecent and impossible, right, men?" "Well, why are we standing around when we should be working, eh?" "Go on." "Come on, you." "Man, am I beat." "Does G.I. insurance cover a broken back?" "No, I don't think so." "If it did, every guy in the army..." "Carter, shut up." "Hold it;" "hold the buckets, huh?" "All right, take a break, fellas." "I got good news for you." "Kinch just plugged the leak." "NEWKIRK:" "Good, good." "Boy, about time." "We, uh, we go out soon?" "Not through the tunnel." "It'll take us a long time to clear it." "But every day we stay here is dangerous, no?" "Dangerous, yes." "We'll have to figure another way to get you out of here." "Why cannot we go out the way we came in-- in the truck with the animals?" "They only change the dogs once a month." "Besides, it's too risky." "Hey, Colonel?" "Yeah?" "We have some trouble outside." "Hogan's 24- hour service." "We never sleep." "It started a little while ago, Colonel." "This could be real trouble." "What happened?" "Kinch plugged the leak." "Must have changed the water pressure." "Now it's broken out in a new place." "If Klink orders the guards to start digging, it'll only take them ten minutes to reach the tunnel." "Attention." "Here they come." "All right, whatever I say, follow my lead." "Oui, Colonel." "Achtung!" "At ease." "It is water, Herr Kommandant." "Thank you, Schultz." "It seems to be under quite a bit of pressure." "Mother Nature's sure powerful when she wants to be." "Right, LeBeau?" "Oh, oui, Colonel, mother nature." "Hogan, what are you and that cockroach babbling about?" "Don't you smell it?" "( sniffing )" "Smell what?" "The sulfur... that's a mineral spring." "It is?" "I mean..." "oh, yes, it is." "I don't smell anything, Schultz." "Do you smell anything?" "Oh, yes, Herr Kommandant." "Sauerkraut and potato pancakes from the sergeant's mess." "Does anyone else here smell anything?" "No doubt about it." "Absolutely." "That tastes bad enough to be very healthy." "That's a sure sign." "Hm-mm... you're a very lucky man, sir." "Imagine, commanding a POW camp with a mineral spring underneath." "I am not convinced." "The plans, please." "Mm-hmm." "Now, here's a diagram of all the underground pipes running in and out of Stalag 13." "Now, uh..." "now, uh..." "May I be of assistance, sir?" "What do you know about this?" "Before the war, I was a plumber's helper." "That's how I got my commission in the Air Corps." "Ah, this is about where we are." "There's the pipe, and there's another." "There's a turn-off valve." "There's a turn-on valve." "There's a pressure booster." "There's an interlocking Grenastand joint." "Oh, interlocking Grenastand joint." "That's what it is all right, huh?" "So smart." "Silence!" "Go on." "Yeah, there are no pipes in this area." "The pipes just run from building to building." "Just as I suspected." "How's that?" "What are you two whispering about?" "All I can do is ask him." "Thank you, sir." "Corporal LeBeau would like to know if we could have some of this health-giving water for our own use." "Request denied." "Schultz, post a 24-hour guard at once." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Then see to it that the pipe is rigged so all the water can run off properly." "And then I want two bottles drawn for chemical analysis." "It shall be done, Herr Kommandant." "Sergeant Carter could analyze that for you, sir." "Thank you, Colonel Hogan." "But there happens to be a civilian chemist in the town of Hamelburg." "Not as good as Carter." "Why are you so interested in this matter?" "Just trying to cooperate, sir." "You have your orders." "Dismissed!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Back, back, back, back, back." "Well, at least he didn't order digging." "We may be able to use that to get Sparrow and his men out of here." "Colonel, there's no such thing as an interlocking Grenastand joint." "Why didn't you tell me that before?" "You know I hate to lie to the Germans." "I've got some sulfur... some potassium, and ordinary rock salt." "Okay." "Now, use these two bottles." "They're the same kind that Schultz will draw from the supply sergeant for the samples." "Just plain ordinary tap water?" "Right." "Get busy and mix two bottles of the greatest mineral water in history." "I'll do it." "Don't worry, Colonel." "You can depend on me." "And you didn't want our son to study chemistry." "Here comes Papa Bear now." "What are you doing?" "Oh, feeding time at the zoo, Schultz." "What's in there?" "Jelly beans from the Red Cross." "Hey, would you like one?" "Here." "Mm, they are good." "Hey, Colonel, you can't give him just one jelly bean." "That's right, he's a big man." "Give him a handful." "All right, Schultz." "Hey, Schultz, let me hold the bottle." "Danke." "Jelly beans, huh?" "Uh-huh." "( moans with pleasure )" "Give me back the bottles." "Now wait a minute." "I gave them to the Englander." "I've been standing here all the time." "Schultz, you been nipping at that water?" "The time has come for me to say I know nothing, nothing!" "( knocking ) Come in." "Excuse me, Herr Kommandant." "Yes, what is it?" "Colonel Hogan wishes to see you." "Send him in." "Colonel..." "I have a request to make and a proposition to offer." "You offer me a proposition?" "Yes, sir." "My men would like to pipe that mineral spring water into the storeroom and convert it to a bath house and steam room, if we can use it occasionally." "It's good for bathing and drinking?" "Of course, it must be." "Colonel, you're asking and answering your own questions." "That's tops in German efficiency." "Thank you, Hogan." "Uh, tell me... are you still convinced that this mineral spring has special properties?" "Oh, yes, sir." "You happen to be right." "Here is the chemical analysis of the water." "Sulfur, high concentration of potassium, and a substance resembling rock salt." "Amazing." "It's richer than I dreamed." "Yes, it is." "Oh, this is a great discovery." "Now how to use it to advantage, that is the problem." "Oh, very plain to me, sir." "Klink's Marvelous Miracle Water." "Cures everything." "Grows hair on your chest, even if you don't want it." "You'll make millions." "Oh, it has great possibilities for after the war." "But you see, what concerns me is now." "Why don't you send Old Crazy Eyes a dozen bottles?" "What?" "Besides being a nut," "I understand he's also batty about natural remedies." "That nut happens to be our beloved Fuhrer." "What's the one thing you want most in the world?" "General's stripe, am I right?" "Well, it has crossed my mind." "I could never approach Hitler over the head of General Burkhalter." "That's right." "Go over his head, you'll lose yours." "There must be a way." "Bet I know what you're thinking." "You do?" "Invite General Burkhalter and his staff here to inspect the mineral springs." "Yeah." "Suggest that he give Hitler the good news." "Ja, ja." "He can't turn you down in front of his own men, so he has to do it." "Ja, ja, ja." "You get the credit." "Ja." "General Klink." "Ah, Hogan, that's exactly what I was thinking." "Yeah." "I will call General Burkhalter and invite him right away." "Yeah, yeah." "I will even send Schultz with a car." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Get me General Burkhalter's headquarters at once." "Hogan, go ahead and build that bathhouse, and make it good." "Yes, sir." "Incredible." "I always come up with an idea, don't I?" "Sometimes your brilliance is dazzling." "( sawing )" "Pretty good, huh, Schultz?" "I think there is something funny going on here." "Monkey business." "Don't think too much, Schultz." "It brings on your headaches." "Hmm." "Jolly joker." "KLINK:" "And now it is my honor to welcome one of the greatest leaders of the Third Reich." "A member of the Fuhrer's personal staff," "General Burkhalter." "GERMANS:" "Hoorah!" "Hoorah!" "Hoorah!" "( applause )" "Thank you." "Colonel Klink, gentlemen," "I'm very honored to be here and participate in these ceremonies;" "the dedication of this beautiful bath house." "And even though this is an auspicious occasion," "I have no intention of making a speech." "( cheering )" "Thank you." "And now, I believe we are ready for the dedication." "I declare this bathhouse open." "May I have the scissors, please?" "The scissors!" "Dummkopf!" "Thank you, Herr General." "( applause and cheering )" "Bravo!" "Wunderbar!" "What does that mean?" "( chuckling ):" "Well, you know our glorious slogan, "Strength Through Joy."" "Well, I changed it for the occasion." "Just the last word." "Uh, clever, don't you think?" "No, you don't think." "Well, gentlemen, shall we?" "( chuckles )" "Please?" "This way." "Thank you, thank you." "All right, so far so good." "LeBeau, Newkirk, get in there and go to work." "Oui, Colonel." "Right, gov." "Kinch, let's go." "Everybody here?" "Yes, sir." "We're ready, Colonel." "Okay, now, look, stay out of sight, away from the windows, until we're set." "Yeah." "Then move out fast." "Yeah." "What about Schultz, Colonel?" "Kinch'll keep him busy in front of the building." "Now, everybody calm." "Make it work." "Oh, wunderbar." "Not bad at all." "I'm not sure yet, Klink, but you may have done something right for a change." "( laughing ):" "Thank you, very much, Herr General." "Oh, by the way." "I enjoyed your dedication speech immensely." "You would." "Little more hot water, gentlemen?" "We've had enough, thank you." "I'd like to push their bleeding heads under." "Take it easy." "Hi." "BURKHALTER:" "Colonel Hogan." "Why don't you join us?" "No, thanks, General." "It's Colonel Klink's party." "But I have a little surprise for you." "We've arranged to give you a little steam bath at the same time." "Made with the same fine mineral water." "Colonel Klink's idea." "It was?" "Oh, yes, it was, Herr General, it was." "Newkirk, let her go." "Yes, sir." "LeBeau, come with me." "Keep the steam going." "Right, sir." "What is it?" "Hot towel, sir." "Ow!" "Here you are, General." "( muffled shriek )" "Dummkopf!" "Mm-mm-mm." "Wunderbar." "We have more fun out here than they have inside." "Well, that's the way it's supposed to be, Schultzy." "Mm..." "Mm-mm..." "Come on, hurry it up." "Gentlemen, enough of a good thing." "Oh, excuse me, sir." "Ja, ja." "But Colonel Hogan has arranged for us to have lunch here." "LeBeau!" "Lunch?" "Allow me, sir." "It's a novel idea, sir." "Lunch while you bathe." "Please don't eat the soap." "War time shortage, you know." "May I?" "Oh." "Brown bread." "I love brown bread." "( engine starts )" "Klink, I must say... you know how to live here in Stalag 13." "Thank you, Herr General." "Thank you." "This is a nice cigar." "Should be, sir." "They're yours." "They're what?" "Oh." "Yes, yes, they are." "The question is, whether to get drunk or drown." "If you can't make up your mind, sir, why not try a little of both?" "( cackling )" "Hey, come on, fellas, please." "Get the lead out." "I'm due back right now." "We are almost ready." "Okay, now the sub's going to pick you up at the rendezvous tomorrow night." "Everybody got their maps?" "Ja, ja." "We split up here and we go individually." "Understood?" "Okay, good luck." "Thank you for everything." "Yeah, sure." "Oh, and if you fellas are ever back in this neighborhood again, just be sure and..." "I mean, just forget it and get to England like we promised." "Auf Wiedersehen." "( moans ):" "No, no, no, no." "Oh, come on, Schultz." "Have another one." "They're small." "No, no, I think I'm getting sick." "I don't feel too well myself." "You seen Carter?" "No, sir, not yet." "I mean, not lately." "I have had enough." "Sir, we're just about to serve dessert." "I have had enough!" "We're going to have music." "I may even sing." "Request numbers." "Heard the general, he's had enough." "We've had no dessert yet, sir." "Where is my uniform?" "Mine, too?" "They're all gone." "What is happening here?" "Uniforms?" "What did they look like exactly, sir?" "Isn't he a 46 stout?" "Where are those uniforms?" "!" "Schultz...!" "Klink, I should have known." "Anything you are connected with turns out wrong." "Please, Herr General." "Schultz, you Dummkopf." "You were in charge of security." "Where are those uniforms?" "What's all the excitement?" "KLINK:" "I'll tell you what the excitement is." "Somebody stole our clothes while we were bathing." "Just like those uniforms over there, and there and..." "There must be some mistake." "No mistake about it." "We had them cleaned and pressed while you were enjoying your mineral water." "Sure, we aim to please." "And you didn't even know about it?" "Well, sir, I..." "I..." "I..." "Klink, what am I going to do with you?" "HOGAN:" "General, I have a suggestion." "Hogan..." "Next time you guys start a war, make him stay out of it." "( knocking )" "Come in." "Thought I'd find you in here, sir." "Hogan, I just talked to General Burkhalter on the telephone and he has given me permission to send the bottled water to the Fuhrer." "Congratulations, sir." "Now, the Fuhrer will have some marvelous spring water and he will know that it came from Stalag 13." "You're forgetting the best part of all, sir." "What, what?" "When the Fuhrer gets the water, tastes it, and realizes what it is..." "Yes, yes?" "You, Colonel Wilhelm Klink, will get the full credit." "Yes." "What's that?" "Oh, that's the bottled water." "We had it gift wrapped, sir." "Oh, that's beautiful." "Do you think that a card would be appropriate?" "Oh, absolutely, sir." "Absolutely." "All right." "To my beloved Fuhrer." ""To my beloved Fuhrer."" "From a grateful commandant." ""From a grateful commandant."" "Thanks for a wonderful war." ""Thanks for a wonderful..."" ""(End of Episode)""