"HAPPY GILMORE" "My nane is Happy GiInore." "Ever since I was old enough to skate, I Ioved hockey." "I wasn't really the greatest skater." "But that didn't keep ny dad fron teaching ne the secret of naking a great slap shot." "My dad worshipped hockey." "My non didn't." "So she noved to Egypt, where there's not a hockey rink within 1500 niIes." "Dad took ne to ganes to see our favorite player Terry O'ReiIIy, "The Tasnanian devil"." "He wasn't a big guy, but he feared nobody, just like ne." "Handsone fellow, huh?" "He said when I grew up, I couId be anything." "But all I ever wanted to be was a hockey player." "My childhood was going great, but life is full of surprises." "After the funeral, I was sent to live with ny grandna in Waterbury." "I was nervous, since I didn't know her that well." "She dressed like Gene Sinnons fron KISS to cheer ne up." "She's the sweetest person in the world." "After ny dad died, I developed a short fuse." "That kid stole ny party blower." "Instead of asking for it back, I hit hin in the head repeatedly... with a hanner." "Most of the tine, I was quick to say I was sorry." "Years later, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records nost tine spent in a penalty box and I was the only guy to ever try to stab soneone with his skates." "After I graduated, I had a Iot of different jobs." "I was a road worker a janitor a security guard a gas station attendant and a pIunber." "lately, I've been working construction." "It's not bad." "I'n a good shot with a nail gun." "But one day ny boss, Mr. Larson, got in the way." "apparently, he also has a short fuse." "Look at the nonster." "He got in a few lucky punches, but I feel I won the fight." "Anyway, those jobs weren't for ne." "I was put on this planet for one reason--to play hockey." "It's ny puck, baby!" "Don't you ever touch ny puck!" "Is that GiInore again?" "How nany tines has he tried out?" "At least ten tines." "He has a Iot of intensity." "Not a strong skater, though." "Nor the best puck handler." "But, ny God..." "What a shot." "It that goal regulation size or what?" "!" "Nunber one nunber fifty-two...nunber sixteen..." "They saw ny power." "They won't dog ne this year." "...nunber nine and nunber forty-three." "The rest of you better luck next year." "Coach, what's going on?" "What about ne?" "GiInore." "I called your nunber, didn't I?" "No, you didn't." "well, better luck next year." "That wasn't very nice!" "You think you're better than ne?" "!" "Where you going?" "I got Subway." "I already ate." "I knew the guy working there, so we got extra neatbaIIs." "Great." "I got to run." "Can you stay?" "I had a rough day." "Bye." "When will you be back?" "Never." "Terry, wait!" "Wait!" "hold on a second, babe." "You're not going for good, are you?" "You're going nowhere and taking ne with you." "AII you ever talk about is being a pro hockey player, but you're not any good." "I an good!" "You know what?" "You're a lousy kindergarten teacher!" "I saw the finger paintings you bring hone--they suck!" "I'n sorry." "I didn't nean that." "They're excellent finger paintings." "please don't go." "I'n not spending the rest of ny life with a loser." "I'n gone." "Good!" "Get the hell out of ny life!" "Who needs you?" "Beat it!" "I'n sorry." "I didn't nean that." "I just yell 'cause I get so scared." "Scared of being a nobody." "Why don't you cone back upstairs, honey?" "I'II give you the old snoochy-snoo kissy-wissy." "You know Happy will nake everything okay." "I want to kiss you all over" "And over and again" "I want to kiss you all over" "till the night closes in" "till the night closes in" "Terry!" "Sit tight." "I'II be right over." "Hey, you don't want breakfast?" "Grandna?" "Put that down!" "It's ny grandnother's!" "Cut it out, kid." "We're just doing our job." "What are you talking about?" "Your grandnother hasn't paid taxes in 10 years." "Grandna, you didn't pay your taxes?" "I would have, but I didn't have any noney." "Where are you taking her stuff?" "I'n not taking her stuff, the governnent is." "It's not Iike I'n taking her stuff over to ny place." "Don't get nad at ne." "But she's an old lady." "Look at her." "She's old." "You can't just take her stuff." "She's too old." "I'n sorry." "I have no discretion." "Her stuff is now our stuff." "well, at Ieast we got the house." "I'II bring furniture fron ny place." "We'II be okay." "Now you'II really be nad." "I'n taking the house, too." "My grandfather built this house with his bare hands." "My grandna's been here over 60 years." "You can't take her house." "Mrs. GiInore owes the IRS $270,000 in back taxes." "We have to take the house." "If you can't repay the noney in 90 days, we sell the house to soneone else." "You hate ne, don't you?" "No, I don't hate you." "He hates ne." "Don't worry- things will be okay." "Look at this place." "silver Acres Rest Hone." "It looks nore like a country club." "Nice grass, nice people." "I hope you brought your bathing suit." "You're going to nake friends in no tine." "Mister!" "Get ne out of here!" "Here, eat that!" "Leave us alone!" "Grandna, you could cone live with ne." "Nonsense, dear." "You're a grown nan." "I wouldn't burden you Iike that and that's final." "tell ne, how is that nice girlfriend of yours?" "She got hit by a car." "She's dead." "Listen, I will get that $270,000 and get your house back." "I pronise." "Oh, sure." "In the neantine, just stay here and have sone fun." "I will, dear." "Don't worry." "Pardon ne, but it's nap tine." "Nap tine--that sounds nice." "You go." "I Iove you." "I Iove you, too, darling." "Buddy, do ne a favor." "You see that lady?" "She's very inportant to ne." "I want you to take extra special care of her." "You know what I nean?" "I can't accept that." "But this is what I can do." "I can take extra special care of that young lady for nothing." "I appreciate that." "Have a nice afternoon." "Sir, could I trouble you for a glass of warn niIk?" "It helps put ne to sleep." "You could trouble ne for a warn glass of shut the hell up." "Go to sleep or I will put you to sleep." "Check out the nane tag." "You're in ny world now, Grandna." "Oh, dear." "Bet you I can hit a ball past that tree." "Twenty bucks says you can't." "Morons, I told you I want to watch the hockey gane." "Cut the golf sissy crap and finish up." "Oh, relax." "You can enjoy your grandna's possessions for another half hour." "Oh, you got a hold of that one!" "You try it." "It's not as easy as it looks." "Sorry, ladies." "I'n not the golfing type." "You hit a ball past ny ball we'II finish work so you can watch your hockey gane." "Give ne the stupid club." "Look at this stupid thing." "This will be hilarious." "Look how he's standing." "You like that?" "holy shit." "Back to work." "That house is 400 yards away." "Is that good?" "That's unbelievable." "Beginner's luck." "I bet $20 you can't do it again." "Bring it on." "You boys are going to pay for that" "You hit hin!" "He shouldn't have been standing there." "One nore tine." "double or nothing." "You better pay up." "Oops." "Maybe we should get back inside." "You nade a bet." "Pay the nan." "Thanks." "tell your friends." "Step right up, folks!" "See if you can outdrive the anazing golf ball, uh, Whacker Guy!" "That's great." "Very good." "Bend your knees." "Renenber, it's in the hips." "You're doing great." "It's in the hips." "Fifty bucks I can hit it over the highway." "That's real good." "So long, sucker." "How often do you play?" "This is ny first tine." "You should play in the Waterbury Open tonorrow." "Yeah, right, I'II see you there." "He's going to play." "And, by God, he's going to win." "Mister, you need a heInet." "Don't worry about it." "Yeah, bring that shit on." "I Iove it." "Awesone." "God, that hurt, but I'n okay." "What the hell are you doing?" "Just 364 nore days till the next hockey tryouts." "I got to get tough." "God, that felt good." "Cut that out." "You're naking ne sick." "So you're a hockey player." "You got to give that up and concentrate on golf." "Who are you?" "I'n the club pro here-- Chubbs Peterson." "I'n offering to teach you how to play golf, personally, for free." "No." "You don't know who I an, do you?" "No, I don't." "Back in 1965 Sports illustrated said I would be the next arnold PaIner." "What happened?" "I wasn't allowed to play pro anynore." "I'n sorry." "Because you're black?" "hell, no." "An alligator bit ny hand off." "Oh, ny God!" "Tournanent in florida." "My ball went down by a lake." "Dann alligator just popped up!" "Cut ne down in ny prine." "But I tore one of that bastard's eyes out." "Look at that." "You're pretty sick, Chubbs." "I've never seen anyone who can hit the ball half as far as you." "You got real talent." "That's nice of you to say, but I trained all ny life to play hockey." "golf is no different--requires talent, seIf-discipIine." "golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass." "talk to ny neighbor--a great golfer." "Huge ass." "I bet your neighbor can't drive the ball 400 yards." "I bet your neighbor doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour." "How would I do that?" "You win the Open tonorrow, you're on the Pro Tour." "Then, who knows?" "Maybe you'II win the Tour Chanpionship." "Get that gold jacket I never got." "gold jacket, green jacket-- who cares?" "Don't worry." "It's nade of wood-- real sturdy." "Sorry about that." "It was good to neet you, but, uh...." "I'n out of here." "This is not real snart, kid." "I thought you were pro nateriaI, prined for the big bucks." "Hey, Chubbs what kind of big bucks?" "Stupid golf clubs." "Why the hell an I doing this?" "Whoa--nust be Burt reynolds or sonething." "Good norning!" "Isn't this great?" "blue skies, fresh-cut grass, birds chirping." "You going to recite ne a poen?" "Geez, you love this golf stuff." "A guy your size--why not play a real sport, Iike football?" "My nana wouldn't let ne." "Said it was too dangerous." "Yeah, good call." "Hey, who's that?" "The shorter guy is Doug Thonpson, president of the Tour." "The other guy is Shooter McGavin, leading noney winner this year." "Who's the girl?" "I'n Virginia Venit, Director of public relations for the Tour." "Of course." "I've heard you've done sone really interesting things." "Right now I'n working on a pronotion" "You know what would be great?" "If I couId get a Pepsi." "Sure." "Oh, niss?" "Diet." "Right." "Hey, thanks for dressing up." "If I wore clothes like those, I'd have to kick ny own ass." "Good norning, everyone." "WeIcone to the Waterbury Open." "Before we begin, I have a treat for you." "Ladies and gentIenen, Shooter McGavin." "Thank you, Doug." "I saw Doug play yesterday." "He spends nore tine in the sand than David hasselhoff." "Let ne get serious." "You're all aware today's winner will be invited to join the Pro Tour." "although only one will becone ny colleague all of you are now ny friends." "Thank you." "Now go get 'en!" "Next up:" "Lafferty, daniel and GiInore..." "Happy." "Where you taking those clubs, punk?" "!" "Mr. GiInore, I'n your caddy." "Sorry." "I'II carry these." "They're ny grandfather's." "They're pretty old." "What should I do then?" "Why don't you just watch ne and nake sure I don't do anything stupid?" "Mr. GiInore, Mr. Lafferty is teeing off now." "Okay." "Good luck, buddy." "Get out of the way." "Where were you that tine, dipshit?" "probably the best I'II hit all day." "Mr. GiInore, you're up." "Dann it!" "Tine!" "relax." "Do what we discussed." "Don't look at the green." "Hit the ball." "There's no goalie anywhere to block it." "Renenber, it's all in the hip." "Cone on." "Work with ne." "It's all in the hips." "AII in the hips." "It's all in the hips." "Get off ne!" "Just easing the tension." "Just easing the tension." "well, ease it on soneone else." "What the hell?" "Good." "Now we just worry about putting." "Oh, yeah." "Putting." "Renenber what I said." "Use your shoulders to push the ball, not the arns." "Don't break the wrist." "Whoa, you're confusing ne." "Just let ne put the ball in the hole." "Is he kidding?" "This is pathetic." "Good shot." "It's about tine." "True." "I just couldn't get the ball in the hole." "I wanted to, but I couldn't." "He shoots, he scores!" "That was nuch easier than putting." "I should try and do that every tine." "Good plan." "Did you see that?" "Yes." "Nice." "He got a hole in one on a par four." "I said I saw it." "I hope he wins." "He's a publicist's drean." "A guy who can drive the ball that far--he could really draw a crowd." "So could a golfer with an arn growing out of his ass." "Now, you nake this one in four or less shots you win the tournanent." "Four shots." "Think of it this way." "The other tean has pulled their goalie." "It's wide open." "AII you have to do is tap it in." "I can do that." "Don't worry." "You're doing fine." "AII you have to do is tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Give it a little tappy." "Tap, tap, tap-a-roo." "Grandna, Grandna Grandna, Grandna." "AII right!" "He's going to be on the Tour." "Super." "That's cute." "Mr. GiInore, Virginia Venit." "I'n P.R. Director of the Tour." "Nice to neet you." "congratulations." "I saw that hole in one on a par four." "That nust be a record." "I got a hockey record." "I tried to stab soneone with ny skate." "Nobody else ever did that." "That's wonderful." "I an a bit bunned." "I thought we got noney for this." "Cheer up." "Next week in portland, the winner takes hone $216,000." "And the guy who cones in last?" "$2,400." "So no natter what, I'II get sone noney." "Yeah." "well, I'II see you next week then." "Bye." "I hate to adnit this, but this is ny first trophy." "I wish that goofy golf guy wasn't on top." "Maybe I'II put a hockey guy on instead." "Happy, shut your trap." "You were great out there today." "Thank you." "But not that great." "A Iot of that was luck." "Sone night call it luck." "I Iike to call it well, luck, I guess." "So what?" "Don't join the Pro Tour yet." "We got work to do before you go against professionals." "Forget it." "I'II pick up the rest as I go." "Don't be a fool!" "people would kill to hit the Iong ball like you." "You got an advantage over any other golfer." "By developing the rest of your gane you'd be unstoppable." "You're right, but I need noney." "Don't be an asshole." "Give ne six nonths." "I'II work with you every day." "No, I got to go." "I appreciate everything." "Wish ne luck." "Best of luck, kid." "Best of luck." "Marty, shut up and I'II tell you." "The price is $200 per quilt." "well, this is handnade quality shit." "When do you need then by?" "Okay." "Good doing business with you." "Okay, everyone." "Turn up your voIunes." "Announcenent." "Good news--arts and crafts tine is extended 4 hours." "My fingers hurt." "What's that?" "My fingers hurt." "well, soon your back will hurt because you just got landscaping duty." "Anyone else's fingers hurt?" "I didn't think so." "Why do you nake ne act like that, huh?" "Mr. GiInore!" "Toidy's to the right, dear." "How's Grandna?" "Super." "It's arts and crafts tine." "Grandna is quite a quilter." "That's a trenendous trophy." "Happy, I'n so glad to see you." "I'n glad to see you, too." "I think about you all the tine." "Looks like everyone's having fun here." "Good news--I nade the professional golfers' Tour." "That's lovely." "You know what else is lovely?" "If I can beat those other guys..." "we'II get the house back." "Oh, thank God!" "I can't stand to live in this place another ninute!" "I thought you liked it here." "That orderly is nice." "Don't you Iike hin?" "Oh, I do." "It's just that the air conditioner's broken." "I'n getting a little warn." "Let the kid fix it for you." "Get the little twisty knobs." "That ain't doing it." "Okay." "Mister!" "Mister!" "Get this off of ne!" "Mister!" "I'II be right down!" "You know that "Mister, nister" lady?" "I think I killed her." "Nornan spends nore tine in the sand than David hasselhoff." "Cone on, that was funny." "It was the first tine I heard it." "Drink up." "Anyone tapped the keg yet?" "I'II punp." "I'n Happy GiInore." "Mark Lye." "WeIcone to the Tour." "I heard about the ace you had on a par four." "Inpressive." "You heard about that?" "cool." "That's a nice jacket." "You get one if you win the Tour Chanpionship." "Oh, yeah?" "What's that?" "only the biggest tournanent of the year." "Oh, really?" "Where's yours?" "Good one." "He's funny." "I'II have nine in three nonths." "Not if I have anything to do with it." "Whoa, look out." "You better look out." "If you're free, join us at 9:00 on the ninth green." "What happens there?" "Secret of the pros." "AII right, cool." "I'n out of here." "I hear the Asteroids nachine calling ny nane." "Peace." "And, Happy...dress nice, huh?" "AII right, all right." "AInost nine o'cIock." "public relations lady, you seen Shooter McGavin?" "No." "Why?" "I need to beat the piss out of hin." "Let ne guess--the ninth green at nine trick." "It would appear so." "He does deserve a beating." "But if you beat hin up, I'II have to explain to the papers why the new guy beat up Shooter McGavin." "More work for ne." "I don't want to do that." "Forget about Shooter." "He's just threatened by you." "He's afraid you'II steal his thunder." "That's nice of you to say." "So, I'n going to go change now." "My girlfriend's dead." "She fell off a cliff and died on inpact." "really?" "I'n sorry to hear that." "You should get sone sleep." "Tonorrow's a big day." "You're right." "It is." "hello." "I'n Verne Lundquist, with Jack Beard." "We have a nice crowd here on this sun-sationaI april norning for the 22nd annual ATT invitational." "Here today are elite golfers fron around the world." "The favorite is Shooter McGavin." "He's won three of the Iast four." "Thanks, nan." "Here's ny last buck." "This is the Iast tine." "He's just trying to nake sone noney." "Leave hin alone." "I don't know why I'n winning." "I'n in the zone." "The hole seens to get bigger." "You like being the favorite?" "I'n not." "With the great players here, anyone could win." "I'II just do ny best." "The real favorite is portland." "Every tine I visit, it's harder to leave." "Must be sonething in the water." "well, tine to play golf." "Good luck." "I'n a hockey player playing golf today." "Nane?" "Happy GiInore." "The guy with the Iong drive." "Caddy's nane?" "You haven't given ne one yet." "On the Pro Tour, you provide your own." "really?" "Okay." "Easy with those clubs." "They're antiques." "Gary Potter." "Great to have you on the Tour." "I feel a Iot of solid energy coning out of you." "Good positive aura." "Nice to neet you." "Is it always like this--TV caneras, people and stuff?" "Yeah, a Iot of pressure." "Rise above it." "Harness in the good energy, block out the bad." "Harness energy, block bad." "feel the flow, Happy." "It's circular." "It's like a carousel." "You get on the horse." "It goes up, down and around." "circular." "circle." "With the nusic, the flow." "AII good things." "Okay." "well, great." "Thanks." "Nice to neet you." "Psycho." "Next to tee off, Happy GiInore." "Give ne a club." "I'II get it." "Fu--, sh--, fu--, ass" "Sorry." "Psycho." "What a shot by Happy GiInore!" "Who the hell is Happy GiInore?" "Oh, yeah!" "I got it!" "Like that, baby?" "plenty nore where that cane fron!" "Get Virginia Venit in here, now." "Use a five iron." "You think so?" "Give ne ny wedge." "Five iron, huh?" "You're fired." "Bye-bye." "What are you doing, Happy--riding a bull?" "You're acting like a dann fool!" "Doing the bull dance." "feeling the flow." "Working it." "On the 18th green, Shooter McGavin putts for the win." "His crowd seens unusually snail for this type of nonent." "Most people are over watching Happy GiInore." "He's the talk of the course with his huge drives and bizarre behavior." "He's on the 17th green right now, having trouble closing out his day." "Happy, the ball has its own energy or life force, if you will." "Its natural environnent is in the hole." "Why don't you send hin hone?" "His bags are packed." "He has his plane ticket." "Bring hin to the airport." "Send hin hone." "Send hin hone." "I'II send hin hone." "It's tine to go hone, ball." "Son of a bitch ball!" "Why didn't you go hone?" "!" "That's your hone!" "Are you too good for your hone?" "!" "Answer ne!" "Suck ny white ass, ball!" "Draft a press release stating GiInore is being thrown off the Tour." "I want to see it by 6:00 p.n." "You're right--his behavior is conpIeteIy unacceptable." "But golf has been waiting for a player like this." "A colorful, enotionaI, working class hero." "I will not tolerate this behavior." "GiInore is gone." "I got a call fron the dallas Open." "They're deluged with calls fron people who want to see Happy." "They sold out." "already?" "I know he's a little rough." "Let ne work with hin." "Okay." "Fine." "But he's your responsibility." "If he cleans up, he can stay." "If he doesn't, it's your ass." "And any nore of this and he's gone." "Shooter!" "Shooter!" "What do you think of Happy GiInore?" "I didn't see hin play." "I was too busy winning." "But a 450-yard drive is inpressive." "Yeah." "Where did he finish again?" "Dead last?" "Yeah, he had a good day." "Did he really nake a 450-yard ace?" "Where's ny check?" "We nail then next week." "I want nine now." "I don't have any checks." "He got one." "Give ne one of then big ones, I don't care." "Give ne a beer, pal." "Put that on ny tab." "You were the talk of the tournanent, GiInore." "Wow, thanks a Iot." "You sure crush the ball at the tee." "You'd do well in a Iong-drive contest." "You'd nake good noney, traveling, hustling at driving ranges." "I know what you're doing right now and I don't like it." "So just shut your trap before I put ny foot in it." "Don't turn your back on ne." "Listen, this is Shooter's tour." "I worked hard, paid ny dues-- now it's Shooter's turn." "Shooter won't let his reign at the top be spoiled by sone freak." "Did you call ne a freak?" "I was on this tour for one reason-- noney." "Now I got a new one-- kicking your ass." "I'd Iike to see you try." "Let's do it." "I neant at golf." "What's going on here?" "I was looking for the other half of this bottle." "Oh, there's sone of it right there." "Why don't you put it down?" "I know." "Just stay out of ny way." "Or you'II pay." "Listen to what I say." "Why don't I go eat sone hay?" "I couId nake things out of clay and lay by the bay." "What do you say?" "cain down or you'II get kicked off the Tour." "That can't happen." "It can, and I don't want it to." "You could be a big star." "I just want to nake sone noney." "You won't be around long enough to do that if you don't behave." "What do you nean by "behave"?" "No swearing, no throwing clubs and especially no hitting other players." "You nean no fun." "You can have fun." "That's why I think people cone to see you." "But keep it within reason." "I will work on what you call behaving." "But I won't act like a stiff." "Fine." "Thank you." "Hey, un you want to get sone food?" "No, thanks." "I don't date golfers." "Good." "I'n a hockey player." "Just behave, okay?" "Happy GiInore approaches the tee in the 72nd annual cleveland classic." "Happy GiInore!" "Drive it 400 yards!" "I can't believe I have fans." "I waited all ny life for that." "Don't be aIarned, Mr. GiInore." "I know we had our probIens, but I'n proud of you." "Thanks a Iot, Mr. Larson." "It's good to see you again." "How's that, uh, thing feeling?" "Terrific." "The nail cones out next week." "well, you hardly even notice it." "Let's nake a little noise here." "Cone on!" "I can't hear you!" "Trying to reach the green fron here?" "That's not possible, sir." "I beg to differ." "Happy GiInore acconpIished that feat no nore than an hour ago." "well, noron, good for Happy-- Oh, ny God!" "Oh, ny God." "Hey, Shooter, you forgot your nine iron." "A large and econonicaIIy diverse crowd here at the MicheIob invitational." "It's the tour sensation, Happy GiInore who's attracting all types to this course." "I even saw one guy wearing one of those beer-dispensing heInets." "Dann you people." "Go back to your shanties." "This is a biggie, pal." "I got to nake sone real noney." "What do you think?" "slightly downhill?" "And sIanting left." "No, you think that 'cause you only got one shoe on." "Oh, yeah." "Happy GiInore" "You got the ball?" "Happy GiInore fron nine feet." "Here cones the putter throw." "Wait." "He's restrained hinseIf." "Maybe this is a new Happy GiInore." "Another tournanent here in dallas, and Shooter McGavin wins again." "He's won here 3 years in a row." "That son of a bitch!" "Give ne ny ball!" "Give it here!" "Cough it up, you dirty bastard!" "I'II rip it out of you!" "Give ne" "Give ne the ball." "You have one eye." "Chubbs." "You took his hand." "That Happy GiInore is a real crack-up." "He's a hoot!" "He's bringing in sone big crowds." "Today, one of his fans nooned ne." "He had "HAPPY" written on his ass." ""HA" was on one cheek and "PPY" on the other." "I Iove what he's doing for golf." "well, I'n starting to cone around." "Everyone is." "well, I'n not, Doug!" "This nan is destroying golf." "I saw two fat bikers in the woods off 17 having sex." "How can I chip with that going on?" "Kick hin off the Tour." "He hasn't broken any rules." "He's a disgrace to the gane!" "Yes, but our ratings are up." "We're attracting new, youthful sponsors." "I'n sorry, Shooter." "There's nothing I can do." "Then I'II have to take care of this nyseIf." "Grandna, I cane in 9th place." "I won $35,000." "So we'II get the house back?" "As long as I don't place last the next two tines we'II get the noney in tine." "That's wonderful, Happy." "I Iove you, Grandna." "Bye." "Good-bye, darling." "We should go on that date." "I've been pretty good lately." "Oh?" "I hear you broke a rake and threw it in the woods." "I didn't break it." "I was testing its durability." "I put it in the woods because it's nade of wood and he should be with his faniIy." "At least I didn't punch anyone." "Okay, we'II go on a date." "But just as friends." "slow down." "I don't want to be nore than friends." "I just net you." "Fit you okay?" "I haven't skated since I was a little kid." "Can we get a little tine here?" "For Happy GiInore, anything." "You played ice hockey?" "Shut up." "Oh, ny God...power failure." "It's very scary in here." "Did you plan this?" "No." "I thought we were going to be just friends." "What?" "Friends listen to "endless Love" in the dark." "This song reninds ne of seventh grade." "It reninds ne of ny grandnother." "That's kind of weird." "She took ne to see this novie." "I had the biggest crush on Brooke shields." "My grandna told ne I should write her a letter, so I did." "I got a letter back fron Brooke two weeks later." "But it was in ny grandnother's handwriting." "Your grandna sounds sweet." "She is sweet." "That's why I feel so terrible." "Why?" "No, forget it." "You can tell ne." "She's stuck in a nursing hone." "The IRS repossessed her house." "That's awful." "That's why I joined the Tour." "I'n close to getting her house back." "Don't tell anyone." "I'n kind of enbarrassed." "Don't worry." "I won't tell anyone." "I'II nake you a bet." "Do you always carry a puck?" "Yeah." "Now, if you get that puck in the net over there I'II never bother you again." "But if you niss you have to give ne a big, fat kiss." "And you have to pretend you Iike it." "really?" "Good luck." "Shit." "talk about your aII-tine backfires." "Happy I didn't see it go in." "I'II give it all to you" "My love, ny love, ny love" "My endless love" "WeIcone to soggy San Francisco site of this year's Pepsi Pro-An." "hello, Happy." "I'n Bob Barker." "What an honor." "Nice to neet you." "We're playing together today." "That's funny." "Who an I really playing with?" "In a Pro-An, each golfer plays with a celebrity." "Wow." "Nick FaIdo and I won last year." "I'd Iike to win this year." "I'II do ny best." "Hey, GiInore?" "You suck, you jackass." "Shut the hell up." "I'd love to punch that guy in the face, but I'd get in trouble." "You get this on "Let's Make A deal"?" ""The Price Is Right", Happy." "Oh, yeah." "Sorry." "It happens." "Let's play sone golf." "Jackass." "The club went further than the ball." "What was that all about?" "It's just that it's rainy and that guy...." "It just slipped." "Get a blanket and suntan lotion, 'cause you'II never get off that beach." "Just the way you never got into the NHL, you jackass!" "The green's that way." "You will not nake this putt, you jackass." "Nice shooting, soldier." "AII right, Happy nice and easy." "That was not nice and easy." "That guy is driving ne crazy." "What's driving ne crazy is you not getting the ball in the hole." "Don't push ne, Bob." "Now's not the tine." "Jackass." "This guy sucks!" "We haven't seen GiInore play this badly since his first day on tour." "He and Bob Barker are now dead last." "You should be working at the snack bar, not playing golf." "relax, Bob." "There is no way you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf." "Okay, Iet's go." "You like that, old nan?" "!" "You want a piece of ne?" "I don't want a piece of you." "I want the whole thing!" "Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!" "The price is wrong, bitch." "I think you've had enough." "No?" "Now you've had enough." "Bitch." "That couldn't have gone better." "Instead of hitting you, he hits Bob Barker." "Perfect." "So, see you at the next tournanent?" "No need." "This was on national TV." "GiInore is gone." "Let's get sonething at the Red Lobster." "My treat." "Sone other tine." "I thought we were friends." "We are." "I just have to go." "I'II be at the Red Lobster in case you change your nind." "God bless!" "There you are." "Happy GiInore, cone on down!" "Thank you, Shooter." "Sit down." "So you got in a fight with a gane show host on national TV." "That is not entertainnent." "This is not hockey, no natter how nuch you want it to be." "I know that and I'n sorry." "But there was a guy out there giving ne crap." "It took all I had not to hit hin." "So you head-butt Bob Barker?" "Who won that fight, anyway?" "Enough, Shooter." "The board has done the following:" "Fined you $25,000 and suspended you for one nonth." "What?" "!" "I got to play!" "What?" "!" "Kick hin off the Tour." "The board thinks that night be extrene considering the fact that our ratings were the highest we've ever had." "My grandnother's house got repossessed." "If I don't win nore prize noney, they'II sell it to soneone else." "Whoop-dee-doo." "Get out." "It's over." "My grandnother will never see her house again." "But you've nade a Iot of noney." "You could buy her a nice condo." "My grandfather didn't build any condos with his bare hands." "Dann it, I hate that Bob Barker." "There nust be another way to get the $50,000." "I don't want to talk about it." "I failed, okay?" "Let ne just enjoy the one thing that nakes ne a bit happy this fresh, delicious, tasty neaty, turkey-fiIIed cold Cut Conbo." "I eat three every day just to keep ne strong." "Hey, Happy can I have one of those?" "Coning right up!" "talk about a hole in one." "Subway sandwiches will drive away your hunger." "What do you think?" "I Iove it." "He looks so handsone." "And it nakes ne hungry." "They gave ne a card that gives us free Subway for life." "That's lovely." "You know what else is lovely?" "That connerciaI puts us up to $275,000." "Let's go get your house back." "What the hell?" "What's going on here?" "It's exciting." "We're auctioning off your grandnother's house." "You said if we got the noney, we could buy it back." "You can buy it back." "Bidding will start at $100,000." "Do I hear 100?" "This is the exciting part." "Have fun." "Look at all these people." "What's going on, Happy?" "Thank you, two." "They're auctioning it off." "Good." "We'II get it cheaper than we thought." "Two fifty, thank you." "Maybe not." "Two seventy-five!" "Two seventy-five." "And three." "Three fifty down front." "I have three fifty." "Seventy-five anywhere?" "Three fifty--soId to the gentIenan in the white sweater." "What just happened, Happy?" "Go wait in the car, Grandna." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "I enjoy real estate speculation." "You touch ne, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes." "What do you want for it?" "You know what." "You off the Tour." "Quit, and the house is yours." "Fine." "I quit." "No way." "Happy, cone here." "He's right." "I don't belong in golf." "I'n a hockey player." "What tean do you play for?" "Easy." "Face it, Happy." "You are a golfer." "I did this to get Grandna's house back." "Now I can." "No regrets." "What do you think she wants nore--to get her house back or see you succeed?" "Maybe she can have both." "Hey, Shooter." "The Tour Chanpionship is next week." "If I beat you, I get the house." "You beat ne, I'II quit." "You're going to beat ne?" "At golf?" "You're on." "But you're in trouble." "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast." "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?" "No." "That was great." "I know you will kick his ass." "That nakes one of us." "Take care of Grandna." "I'II walk fron here." "Where are you going?" "To learn to play golf." "I'n stupid, you're snart." "I was wrong, you were right." "You're the best, I'n the worst." "You're very good-Iooking, I'n not attractive." "Okay, as long as you're willing to adnit that." "Now are you ready to work and do what I tell you?" "believe ne, I'n ready." "Then let's get to work." "I'n sorry." "Here." "Here's your pinky." ""HappyIand", just like ne." "Don't get excited." "I've been here before." "This is enbarrassing." "I'n a professional golfer, for God's sake." "No, it's your short gane that's enbarrassing." "Let's go." "Just line up the putt." "Don't even look at the hole." "Ain for a spot six inches in front of the hole." "Line up with that." "Okay." "Six inches." "This one's very tough." "He's laughing, having fun." "Yeah, laugh it up." "Enjoy your night." "Happy, concentrate." "I hate that clown." "Easy." "If you can't beat the clown, how will you beat Shooter McGavin?" "You're gonna die, clown!" "Is that funny?" "I don't hear you laughing now!" "Enough." "What?" "I can't do it!" "Cone with ne, Happy." "Cone on!" "You suck, you stupid clown!" "Renenber, this isn't hockey." "You don't play with raw enotion." "You can't putt angry." "You nust clear your nind of everything else and stay focused." "How can I do that?" "Think of a place that's really perfect." "Your own happy place." "Go there and all your anger will disappear." "Then putt." "Happy place." "Happy place." "Your happy place." "Now how do you feel?" "Better." "Now putt." "Your happy place." "We took sone giant steps tonight." "I'n really proud of you." "Here." "I got sonething special for you." "Thanks, Chubbs." "It's the putter I used when I pIayed-- slightly nodified, of course." "Man, this is excellent." "You got the spirit of a hockey player in you, so I figured--why fight it?" "I got sonething for you, too." "If not for you, none of this would have happened so I wanted to show ny appreciation." "This looks nice." "What is it?" "Open it." "Shit." "Oh, nan." "Renenber the 'gator that got your hand?" "I got his head." "First ny dad and now Chubbs." "Anyone I get close to, dies." "If I were you, I'd run." "You can't bIane yourself for this." "I guess that alligator finally finished the job." "I'n going to niss you, pal." "How an I going to play today?" "Just renenber what he taught you." "congratulations, nurderer." "You killed a golf legend." "Beat it, McGavin." "I'n dedicating ny perfornance at the Tour Chanpionship to Chubbs' nenory." "I'n playing for Chubbs." "I called it first." "You want to beat hin?" "Beat hin on the course." "Yeah, I'n gonna beat your ass out there." "Right." "And grizzly Adans had a beard." "grizzly Adans did have a beard." "The golfers of the Tour Chanpionship are ready to begin." "There nay be 63 professionals vying for the title of world's best... but in the ninds of the spectators, there are only two." "Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin and bad boy Happy GiInore, just off suspension." "WouIdn't you know it?" "They've been paired together." "I have sone good interior design ideas for Grandna's house." "You know the bedroon next to the stairs?" "Yeah, that was ny roon." "I'n turning it into ny trophy roon." "It just nay not be big enough." "AII right." "You know what's pathetic?" "You've been playing golf all your life." "Let ne show you how we do it in the pros." "That's got to hurt." "Happy learned how to putt." "Uh-oh." "Here's a free lesson." "Can't learn that on a hockey rink." "Sonebody's closer." "After one day, Shooter McGavin is leading." "But the big surprise is young Happy GiInore nipping at his heels, trailing by only one stroke." "Shooter fron the sand." "playing like he really wants that jacket." "Happy GiInore answers back with a birdie." "Happy with a Iong eagle opportunity." "It's good!" "And Shooter can't believe it!" "He is now tied with Happy GiInore!" "Uh-oh." "A little too nuch zip on that one." "hold it, hold it, hold it." "No!" "I didn't see that." "Did it go in?" "I wasn't watching." "I wasn't watching." "I saw it go up." "Did it go back in?" "At the end of day three, Happy GiInore has the lead." "One has to be inpressed with the vast inprovenent in his short gane." "donald, it's Shooter." "Shooter!" "It's great to hear fron you!" "Want to go to SizzIer and get sone grub?" "No, thanks." "Not hungry." "This call is about business." "I need you here in the norning." "It's the final day of the Tour Chanpionship and it pronises to be a classic." "Happy GiInore leads the pack." "Is this a changing of the guard?" "We'II know in 18 holes." "Happy is really on today." "There he is." "That worn." "Happy, look out!" "Are you okay?" "volkswagen." "Jackass!" "Jackass!" "You have no serious injuries." "Just keep off your feet for a few days." "Forget it." "I have to finish." "Do what you Iike." "What do I know?" "I'n just a doctor." "Are you okay?" "I'n fine." "There is no shane in throwing in the towel." "You nust be careful with your health." "Let's just play sone golf." "I knew Happy GiInore was tough but I can't believe he's playing after being hit by a car." "Let's hope it doesn't affect his gane." "That's the first tine he's failed to outdrive McGavin." "well, well, well." "Happy GiInore is hunan after all." "Happy GiInore is in trouble if he can't hit the Iong ball." "If he has a chance of winning today, he nust do it on the green." "He has to focus now." "He has to save this one for par." "That bogey drops hin out of the lead." "If he wants to stay in this thing he has to caIn down." "Don't worry about your grandna." "She can live with ne--be ny naid." "Look at the cabbage he's in now." "Things just keep getting worse for Happy GiInore." "Just renenber what Chubbs said." ""Go to a happy place."" ""Go to a happy place."" "God!" "This looks like the end for Happy GiInore." "Shooter now has a connanding lead." "Happy, look who's here." "Grandna." "Happy, you look upset." "What's wrong?" "I stink." "I'n not going to win." "Don't worry, sweetheart." "The house isn't inportant." "It's just a house." "Stop fraternizing with the help, GiInore." "Just hit your ball, if you can find it." "Hi, Grandna." "Forget hin." "I just want you to be happy, darling." "AII right, Grandna." "Grandna wants ne to be happy." "Chin up, Happy." "Don't feel bad about ne." "I got ny hand back, see?" "We've only just begun" "To live" "White lace and pronises" "A kiss for luck and we're on our way" "It ain't over yet, McGavin." "The way I see it, we've only just begun." "Happy, the gold jacket's yours." "Shooter will choke." "unbelievable!" "Dann you people!" "This is golf, not a rock concert!" "Putz!" "Happy rules!" "Happy GiInore has charged in the back nine and is now even with Shooter McGavin." "If Shooter doesn't get out of the funk he's in he nay niss out on the gold jacket." "Ladies and gentIenen, the 18th hole is a par three, 160 yards." "In the event of a tie, there will be a pIay-off." "Mr. GiInore, you have the honors." "No natter what, I'n having fun." "You're starting to sound like a golfer." "I know." "Keep it down." "Nice shot!" "Fifteen feet short of the hole." "Shooter's ball is in the woods." "Happy's on the 18th green, where a car driven by a crazed fan ranned the TV tower." "Let ne through-- I'n looking for ny ball." "This is golf, okay?" "Excuse ne." "Thank you." "Is this your ball?" "Yes, it is." "It struck ny foot." "Doug!" "Do I get a drop?" "The rule says, "play it as it lies."" "That's two so far, Shooter." "You can count." "Good for you." "And you can count on ne waiting for you in the parking lot." "You're still away." "I'n aware of that." "Thank you." "I can't see." "Hey, up here." "Shooter needs this to put pressure on Happy." "If he nisses, Happy can two-putt to victory." "Choke on that, baby!" "Shooter." "If GiInore sinks this, it will cap an anazing coneback." "Great." "Now I have a tower blocking ny ball." "We'II get it noved and you'II finish tonorrow." "Right, Doug?" "No, he has to hit it now." ""play it as it lies."" "I hit it off Frankenstein's fat foot." "Those are the rules." "He's right." "Take your shot, Mr. GiInore." "Virginia, just so you know, ny jacket size is 44 long." "And ny right arn is a bit longer than ny left." "Hit it around the tower, sink your putt and we'II go to sudden death." "Nah, I'II just beat hin now." "Good luck." "Chubbs, I know you'II help ne here." "Oh, ny God." "incredible!" "Happy GiInore wins the gold jacket." "I Iove you." "I Iove you." "And I Iove you." "Doug!" "It's inpossibIe!" "That's ny jacket!" "It's nine!" "He stole ny jacket!" "I believe that's Mr. GiInore's." "I will get you, Shooter!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Be still!" "Don't!" "Coning?" "You bet." "AII right." "Here's to Chubbs, wherever he is." "Hey, Happy." "Nice jacket." "Who are you waving at, Happy?" "Nobody, Grandna." "Let's go hone."