"# THE COMMUNARDS:" "Never Can say Goodbye" "# No, never can say goodbye, boy" "# Ooh" "# No, no, never can say goodbye" "# No no no, no no no, no no no #" "What's wrong with the world?" "I've just counted ten fat people." "No." "Eleven." "Can YOU carry one of these bags?" "No." "I told you, my arm hurts." "Pushing you away from me every night for 50 years has taken its toll on my body." "So has gravity." "Besides, you're so much cleverer at carrying things than I am." "I shall probably muck it all up." "Why am I always better at the things that you don't want to do?" "I'm not your servant, Freddie." "Stuart, I would never think of you as my servant." "Good." "I think of you as my housekeeper." "It's a more important contribution." "What exactly is it that YOU contribute?" "You haven't had an acting job in months." "That's because I'm at an awkward age." "You have been at an awkward age for three decades." "If I can just stick it out a bit longer, I'll segue into a whole new range of roles." "Corpses?" "So, what is it you need to talk to us about, Vi?" "Yes, Vi, we're all yours." "You take all the time you need." "Thank you, darling." "Did you tell her we have an appointment in 20 minutes?" "Good." "We don't really have an appointment, do we?" "Good." "It concerns my husband Jasper." "Oh, that's right." "I keep forgetting you're married." "Well, apparently so does he." "You see, I haven't seen Jasper since we returned from our honeymoon." "It seems he's disappeared." "Oh, poor Violet." "If there's anything you need..." "Ohthankyou,Stuart." "No, don't touch the cheese." "It's just for show." "Awfully sorry." "But I don't understand." "Why didn't you say anything BEFORE this?" "I suppose I was ashamed." "Perhaps I can say something to make you feel better." "Would you like that?" "Very much, darling." "You have nothing to be ashamed about, so you hold your head up high." "Even though people are going to see you as pathetic and rejected, cast off, abandoned, unlovable." "I've changed my mind, I'd rather you didn't make me feel better." "(DOORBELL)" "Of course." "When you're ready, you just let me know." "Hello, Ash!" "Hi!" "Can I tell Ash?" "I think maybe I'D like to." "Violet's husband has left her." "I'm sorry, Violet." "He didn't leave me, he just seems to have stepped out for a few weeks." "I'm sure he'll turn up soon and then we'll all laugh about it." "You hold on to that thought, dear." "Now I feel bad about coming round to talk about my new girlfriend." "You should do!" "Of course not, Ash, I'm very happy for you." "Thanks, Violet." "I only hope she's able to...satisfy you, because if she's not able to satisfy you..." "She is!" "She totally is." "Good." "How, exactly?" "Stuart?" "Drinks." "I see lots of empty glasses." "Stop treating me like a servant, Freddie." "I told you, I don't like it!" "You'll notice he still gets the drinks." "Oh, I have a fun idea." "Why don't we all take you out to dinner, to cheer you up, Violet?" "Oh, I've been dying to try that new sushi restaurant." "Yes and why not eat monkeys' brains too, while we're at it?" "Oh, don't be so ignorant, Freddie." "I'm sure it's not all...bizarre, uncooked, stinky God-knows-what." "Are you coming, Ash?" "Sorry, I've got plans with my girlfriend." "Please stop talking about your girlfriend!" "Can't you see this woman is all alone, terrified and forgotten?" "She's got nobody!" "Can you believe how insensitive he's being?" "Who's paying for this, anyway?" "We all are, Mason." "It's to make Violet feel better because her husband has been so awful to her." "Then shouldn't HE be paying?" "Where's Violet?" "We've been waiting ages." "Yes, and I can't stay much longer." "Why?" "Where do you have to go?" "I do have a life outside of all of you." "No, you don't." "Please tell Violet I'm sorry I missed her." "You can't go!" "The only reason we invited you is so that we'd have another person to split the bill with." "Yes, I realise that now, and it's so expensive too." "Bugger!" "Everybody order one thing." "No drinks." "I'm sorry I'm late, everyone." "Oh, my goodness, Violet!" "Imagine seeing you here in Japan." "We're not in Japan!" "You didn't miss anything, Vi, only Mason being an arsehole." "Let me just get settled." "I'm in a frightful state." "We see that." "Does it have anything to do with your husband?" "In a way." "I just got an email from my sister." "She's coming to visit." "You've never mentioned a sister." "Well, Lillian and I haven't seen each other in years." "She married a wealthy man and moved away, and since then she's always looked down on me." "I've no idea why." "Perhaps because your life never amounted to much?" "I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to think me uncouth." "You just pulled a bottle of vodka out of your bag!" "It's a little late for that, don't you think?" "I lied to Lillian." "When I got married, I told her Jasper was very successful and we lived in a grand flat with a staff of servants." "Now when she arrives tomorrow, she's going to learn the truth, that he left me and I've got..." "nothing." "What if I had an idea that could solve everything?" "That's impossible." "The only way you could solve this is with some elaborate deception where one of us pretends to be Vi's husband and the rest of us pose as the household staff." "And of course we'd have to do it in our flat." "Hers is a hellhole." "THAT was my idea." "Well, that could work." "I had a great time tonight, and even though it hasn't been long," "I feel like I know you really well, Jessica." "My name's not Jessica." "It's Jess." "Oh, I thought it was short for Jessica." "It's not." "Well, aside from not knowing your name," "I feel like we've got really close." "I do, too." "Hey, do you wanna get some ice cream?" "Sure." "I was thinking, do you want to move in with me?" "I haven't even met your family yet." "You will soon, I promise." "Then you'll definitely want to move in with me!" "We'll see." "I still don't know that much about you, Ash." "Well, I already know all I need to know about you, Jessica." "Jess." "Shit!" "I can't thank you enough for doing this for me, Stuart." "Not Stuart!" "Jasper!" "Your loving and successful husband!" "Right." "Oh, I hope this works." "Look, it's only one lunch." "Then Lillian has to catch her train." "Oh, she should be here any moment." "Where's Freddie?" "Why do I have to be the butler?" "It's much more believable if I'm the husband." "Well you're the one who pinched the costume, from when you were on Downton Abbey." "They gave it to me." "Besides, you're never going to pass as straight." "You're making that rug gay just by standing on it!" "Oh, I can pass as straight." "After all, I have had sex with a woman." "Yes, over 50 years ago." "Well, I imagine it still all works the same, doesn't it?" "More or less." "It's changed a bit over the years." "I can't even tell you the things we're expected to do now." "I only do them to be polite." "I guarantee that I will be able to pass as straight, Freddie!" "Perhaps if you don't move or open your mouth." "Anyone can see that you should be the servant." "Now what is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing, just that you look and behave like a servant, that's all." "Well, you're an actor." "Think of it as a role." "Yes, of course." "I am an actor." "This could be the greatest performance of my career." "All right, take it down a notch, Sir Laurence Olivi-gay." "(DOORBELL) Oh, that's Lillian." "Oh, good luck, everyone." "(DOORBELL)" "Well, you're the butler." "Go and answer it!" "Oh, yes!" "Wait." "What's my name?" "Freddie!" "Freddie." "Got it." "Hello, Vi!" "Tut tut tut tut tut." "No speaking until you've been announced." "Name, please?" "Lillian Haverfield-Wickham." "No, I didn't get that." "Speak up." "Lillian Haverfield-Wickham." "Yes." "May I present the Lady..." "Are you a Lady?" "No." "Well, may I present the perfectly ordinary person, then," "Lillian Hooverdamp-Woosenfield?" "All right, go and say hello." "We're finished." "Violet, dearest!" "Lillian, darling." "It's been so long." "Let me look at you." "OK, I'm finished." "And you must be Jasper." "(BUTCH VOICE) I'm very glad to meet you." "Ow!" "Violet didn't tell me how handsome you were." "(CAMP) Oh, my goodness, thank you!" "(MANLY) I mean, thank you." "Violet speaks so highly of you, usually after we've had sex." "How odd." "Oh, you must forgive Jasper, he has an insatiable sexual appetite." "Yes, I can't get enough of this one!" "Mwah!" "Mwaaah!" "Mwah!" "Shall I find you something to vomit in, madam?" "I'm all right for the time being, thank you." "All right, don't just stand there, take the lady's coat!" "All right, calm down." "May I?" "I love your flat." "Oh, thank you." "Why are YOU thanking me?" "It's not your flat. (GIGGLES)" "(STUART GUFFAWS)" "I beg your pardon, but the master is so kind that I often think of this home as my own." "You see, I never came from much." "Mother died when I was six... ..and then they sent me off to the workhouse and this is the only family I've ever known." "What a touching story." "They do get attached." "All right, pull yourself together or it's back to the workhouse." "Why don't we have some tea?" "I'm about to introduce you to the most important people in my life, Jess." "I'm so excited." "Oh, I hope they like me." "I know they will." "You'll never meet more authentic people than these." "Master Ar-sh to see you." "Ash, darling, come to Mummy!" "We weren't expecting you home this early, son, were we, dearest?" "Yum yum yum!" "No, we weren't." "O..." "K." "Aren't you going to introduce me to everybody, Ash?" "Maybe they should introduce themselves first!" "I'm Ash's father, Jasper, dear, and this ravishing creature is my wife Violet." "And I'm Ash's stepmother, darling, but we've become incredibly close." "Now, give Mummy a kiss." "Ash is from my first marriage." "I've had sex with a lot of women." "I'm Freddie the butler." "You see, I never came from much." "Mother died when I was six..." "Nobody wants to hear all that again." "Go and fill some glasses." "Oh, yes, I believe you mentioned Jasper had a son." "I never knew you could be so maternal." "I'm very maternal." "Sometimes when Ash has a nightmare, he even climbs into bed with us." "No, I don't." "Oh, that's so sweet." "And unusual." "Didn't you also tell me he was a champion gymnast, Violet?" "I did." "Why would you say that, Mum?" "Oh, do something for us." "A back flip perhaps?" "I'd rather not." "I didn't know you were a gymnast." "Oh, yes, he's very limber!" "Oh, do, please!" "Yes, come on, son, you're embarrassing us in front of company." "No, really, I..." "Oh, just do it, for Christ's sake!" "I did it!" "I did it!" "(HIGH-PITCHED) Yeah!" "My, what a very high-pitched squeal that was." "Is it all right if I hoover in here?" "It's not a good time, Penelope." "Well, I leave at five, so if you want it done, it'll have to be soon." "Oh, could I have a glass of water, please?" "No." "Who do you think I am?" "Freddie!" "Drinks!" "And I see lots of empty glasses." "Sometimes I'm not quite sure what he does, other than cash my cheques." "(WAILS OF LAUGHTER)" "Might I have a word with you in the kitchen, sir?" "If you will excuse us." "He probably wants to tell me another one of his sob stories, so he can squeeze a few more pounds out of me." "Ha ha!" "You're treating me horribly!" "What are you talking about?" "I'm only doing it for Violet." "Well, it seems like you're enjoying bossing me around entirely too much." "Oh, is this your way to get even with me?" "Of course not." "It's only because you are so believable as the butler, the character you've created is so vivid and alive." "Yes, yes, well, that's because I came up with a back story for him." "You see..." "Yeah, I know, we've heard it several times." "Just try to be a little kinder." "Freddie is more fragile than he lets on." "Ahh!" "All right." "Oh, I hate this job." "I feel like I've been talking about myself and my wonderful life all this time." "Tell me, Lillian, how is your husband?" "He's still dead, but we're getting along better." "I can't believe you're sisters." "You both seem so different." "Oh..." "And haven't you got the most beautiful hair" "I've ever seen in my entire life?" "Mmm..." "They don't seem that different to me." "So, Ash, what brings you both here?" "Well, I wanted to introduce you to Jess and tell you that I, er..." "Never mind." "Tell us what, darling?" "Maybe now is not the best time." "Ash asked me to move in with him." "I said I had to think about it." "Already?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Don't you think it's a bit quick, son?" "Yes, you must think long and hard about this, Ash." "You know, we only want what's best for you, but I'd hate to see you rushing into something when you're not ready." "This is a serious step." "I know." "I really want you to support me in this, Freddie." "Yes, and I would like to, but I just can't." "Can I ask why the butler's opinion is so important?" "Well, it's just that he practically raised Ash." "You do know that Freddie's mother died when he was only six?" "Then the poor thing was basically sold into child slavery." "Obviously that's going to have an effect on his behaviour at times." "Thank you." "Yes, dear, but Freddie sometimes oversteps his bounds." "He is an employee and needs to know his place." "So let's go, you!" "Drinks!" "All right, I've had enough!" "How dare you speak to me like that, you little shit!" "That's it!" "You're fired!" "Fired?" "I've been with this family for 30 years!" "I can't do his work and mine!" "(DOORBELL)" "And who are you?" "I have no idea." "Shouldn't you be catching your train, Lillian?" "Didn't I tell you?" "I'm not catching the train." "I've decided to stay with you for a while." "Who do I speak to about my redundancy package?" "I think it's time we had a little talk, Lillian." "Yes, I agree." "It's been too long." "I hadn't even realised your husband had died." "Two." "Starting to make me self-conscious." "Look, there's something I have to tell you, Lillian." "Before you do, there's something I have to tell you, too." "I don't have any money, Violet." "I'm broke." "Both my husbands left me with nothing and all four of my children are drug addicts, but that's a whole other story." "I've lied to you all these years to make myself seem something I wasn't." "Now, what did you want to tell me?" "That I've never liked you." "Now I think you should leave." "I don't feel comfortable having a liar in my home." "Fine!" "I'll go!" "It's been absolutely splendid meeting you all, but I must be heading home." "Oh, and just so you know, your husband's gay." "I told you!" "Ash, I'm confused." "Is that man your father?" "Well, not really." "We've all just been pretending, darling, in order to make my sister think that I'm wealthy." "This is Freddie and Stuart's flat, and we're all their friends." "Oh, my God." "That's...amazing." "I think I want to move in HERE!" "Welcome to our little family, Jessica." "Oh." "It's actually just Jess." "No." "It's Jessica." "I was only kidding before." "Duhh!" "You people are all fucking insane." "May I have some more tea, please?" "Certainly." "And I shouldn't have to ask." "I should never be looking at an empty cup." "Well, here we are again, you treating me like rubbish... and me waiting upon you." "But it feels right, somehow." "It does." "Morning." "subtitles by Deluxe"