"Do you think there are aliens on other planets?" "No, but there might be some on..." "Ur-anus!" "Oh, buuum!" "I can't believe that's the 30th joke I've made about that planet, and it's still hilarious!" "But think about it." "With all the hundreds of UFO sightings each year... and all the stories of alien abductions..." "Well they can't all be hoaxes." " No way." " See?" "Elliot agrees with me." ""Inadequate protein intake fosters decreased immune performance"?" "Why wasn't I told?" "OK, you twee." "Beam-bye "ma." "Hey, Aunty Kylie." "Andi's afraid she's gonna get abducted by aliens!" "I'm not afraid!" "Mum, do you believe in aliens?" "Oh, well..." "That's an interesting question." " Do you believe in aliens?" " Yeah!" "In fact, sometimes I hear their voices in my head." "Like they're trying to talk to me or something!" "Hearing voices is the first sign of dementia." "Dementia!" "You hear that, Andi?" "You're gonna lose all your teeth!" "Ignore them, honey." "If you want to believe in aliens, then you believe in aliens and don't let anyone tell you you're crazy." "Don't tell me crazy Andi's crapping' on about aliens again!" "I don't see the harm in it." "Are you nuts?" "She'll end up in a psych ward if she's keeps talking about hearing voices from outer space." "She needs to start taking an interest in normal things, like... pop music." "What about that new band, The Tazmaniax?" "They're pretty rad!" "..." "Right?" "Aliens are lame-o!" "You know what's really cool?" "Pro boxing!" " Ow!" " See, Andi?" "Why can't you be more like your cousin?" "Does he have to sleep in our room?" "It's only for one night, sweetie." "And hey - we finally get to make use of the bunk beds!" "I'm thrilled for you." "Goodnight, space girl." " Goodnight, Aunty Kylie." " Goodnight, Keith." "Goodnight, Elliot." "Dennis!" "You heard her - lights out, prisoners." "Get some sleep." "And Andrea, no more blathering on about little green men unless they're speaking Irish, get me?" ""Or you'll be sorry, Earth creatures!"" "Goodnight, Uncle Denny." "Goodnight, children." " Oh my god, what a loser." " Definitely compensating..." "Hey-ey-ey-ey!" "Why're you leaving?" "Uh, the music's putting me off my peanuts." "That's my cousin's band, pal." "My condolences, mate." "I got a tip for you, pal." "A bouncer is supposed to stop people from going in, not out, of the bar." "Ah, beat it, pal!" "Seeya!" "Wouldn't want to be ya!" "Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda!" "You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me!" "And he sang as he sat and waited til his billy boiled!" "You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with meeee!" "WOOOOOO!" "Well, that's about it from us!" "Thank you so much to everyone for coming out to see the show!" "Woo!" "We are Titanium Turtle and we'll be signing copies of our latest CD at the table by the bar if you want to pick one up on the way out." "Great gift for the grandkids!" "But just before we go, I want to leave you with one final thought for the ride home." "Aliens exist." "When I was 10 years old, a flying saucer visited me at my house, giving me otherworldly cognitive powers." "And it's only a matter of time before they come back." "And when they do, I, Andrea Gibson, will be the only one with the power to prevent the complete extermination of the human species." "Goodnight, Brisbane!" "Well, congratulations, Andi, for alienating our entire audience yet again." "What, you mean that one person that wasn't a friend or relative?" " Get off me!" " Hey, that's my cousin's band." " Hey, they're good!" " They suck!" "They suck!" "Andi, your closing speeches about aliens and psychic powers is the reason why no one shows up to our gigs." "Stix, my close encounter is the one thing separating us from a thousand other indie bands out there trying to make a name for themselves." "You want to be successful, right?" "Well, let me think about that." "Yeah." "Right!" "And the only way to do that is to be involved in something extraordinarily awesome." "And aliens, Stix, are extraordinarily awesome." "They would be." "If they were real." "They are real, trust me!" "They're as real as that tree." "That's a fake tree." "But it exists, it's not a theoretical tree." "I just wanted to say..." "Fantastic show tonight, guys!" "I'm your biggest fan." "I've seen all your shows, and tonight was easily in the top 20." "Thanks, Dad." "I was so disappointed last week when you guys lost the Battle of the Bands to those... "Tazmaniax"." "How can they win "Best New Band"?" "They've been around for 17 freakin' years!" "Tell me about it!" "Well, I'll just be over there when you're ready, son." " Yeah, cool." " OK." "Why'd you bring your Dad again?" "!" "He followed me!" "Besides, we need someone to fill the empty seats." "Dad's are lame, Stix!" "Terminally lame!" "You don't see me bringing my family everywhere I go, do you?" "HEY, SIS!" "Hey, Elliot." "Great gig tonight, team!" "Although I'm a little worried that the dry ice might give me carbon monoxide poisoning." "So, I've taken some Diazepam to counteract the effects." " Good plan." " Mmm." "Where's Keith?" "Where are bouncers usually situated, Elliot?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "No boozers." "Hey, Keith." "John!" "What happened to you, man?" "You missed the whole gig." "It wasn't on purpose." "I locked myself in my car and I couldn't get out." "Is that even possible?" "YESH!" "I had to survive for two hours on nothing but a crate of rum!" "I know what you're thinking." "But it's O-K." "I know my limitsh." "Hey, Cam!" "Thanks for filming the gig!" "What are friends for?" " D'ya get it all?" " Pretty sure." "Might have dozed off a couple of times, but it should be comprehensive enough." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "Oh, good!" "I thought there was something wrong." "I want to be taken seriously, Andi." "I want to be seen as a serious documentarian, but lately all I've been doing are these meaningless rockumentaries on piss-poor indie bands with no future." "Still, it must feel pretty good to take a break from all that and come feel our gig, huh?" "Yeah." "Here." "Found this... outside!" "Way to go, John." "Missed the show entirely this time." "And I don't know why you bothered to come sign these CDs." "You're not even featured on them, cos you didn't show up for the recording!" "I am here for the fans." "Hey, John!" "Great gig tonight." "He wasn't even playing tonight, Elliot." "Oh weren't you?" "I didn't even notice." "What do you play again?" "Flute." "That's right!" "Actually, you know what?" "I think a lot of the songs sounded better... without the flute." "Like... all of them, in fact." "John, are you OK?" "SHE SELLS SEASHELLS!" "I need some air." "So, you and Andi have been friends since primary school?" "Sixth grade, yeah." "Andi may have mentioned that I was a very successful boxer in my youth." "Six consecutive titles, over a period of 14 years." "So they weren't consecutive at all..." "Yeah, they used to call me Keith "Cheap Shot" Flynn." "Had this move that I was famous for." "It was called the "Falsetto Stiletto"." "What I'd do is let my opponents grab me from behind and then BOOM!" "Kick 'em right in the nutsack." "Charming." "Aren't you supposed to be guarding the door, Cheap Shot?" "Hmmm?" "Oh shit!" "Private function!" "There are literally thousands of these bacteria, living inside your belly button, and they don't grow anywhere El" "Sorry." "Can I borrow my brother for just a sec?" "Oh sure thing, Andi." "What an affable chap." "Do you know that Stix's dad has been to every one of your shows, same as me?" "Plus, he's interested in alie" "What the hell are you doing?" "What's wrong?" ""What's wrong"?" "You're geekifying the whole of South Brisbane over here!" "What are you doing having a conversation with someone's dad?" "In case you haven't noticed, there are people in this pub whose lives aren't over yet." "Why don't you go and talk to Cam over there?" "C-Cam?" "But she'sh..." "She's..." "She's a girl!" "Well spotted!" "So pop a cooties pill and go talk to her!" "You told me cooties weren't real!" "They're not--!" "Look, just think of a conversation starter." " Like what?" " I don't know ...!" "She's a filmmaker!" "Ask her about that camera she's got!" "Actually, there is something I can ask her about in relation to her camera..." "There you go!" "There's your opener!" "Now get over there!" "I HAVE A LUMP!" "You know, between my legs?" "It's called a dick." "N-n-no, it's an actual lump, on my scrotum." "At least, I think it's on my scrotum." "I can't really get a good look at it." "Oh." "Shame." "Yeah!" "Which is why I was wondering if I could borrow your camera for a few minutes, so I can get in there and check it all out." "Right." "I promise I will only be 5 minutes, and once I'm done," "I will rewind it back, and you can just record straight over it." "I just need to know." "Tell you what." "You give me 50 dollars, and it's yours for the rest of the night." "Uh..." "DEAL!" "I am never drinking again." "They're here." "Uh, that had better be your new autograph, because those CD cases are 75 cents each." "John, are you OK?" "Yeah, I'm good." "Bugger me purple." "This is it, isn't it?" "The end of the world." "I never thought the world would end on a Tuesday." "Well, if it isn't the end of the world, I sure hope someone's getting this on camera." "We're rolling." "Uh... camera goes here." "And now... step one:" "The removing... of the pants." "Where's Elliot?" "What the flip is going on?" "!" "Aliens, man!" "What'!" "Duh!" "Aliens are attacking the city!" "Here, come look at this!" "Like, aliens from outer space?" "No, aliens from Stradbroke Island." "Of course from outer space!" "Pull your pants up and get over here!" "I just got a distresSMS from Dad!" ""An-Di." "You're mother kidnapped by aliens." "Do not come to house." "XOXO, Daddies."" "Oh my god they kidnapped Mum!" "Are they gonna kill Mum?" "I!" "Hell yes!" "We interrupt "Jacqueline and the Beanstalker" to bring you this breaking story." "Brisbane City is under aerial attack from what appears to be a non-terrestrial hostile force." "Military personnel from across the state are being summoned to deal with the threat, and Brisbane residents are advised to evacuate ASAH P." "The "H" is for "Humanly"." "I'm gonna call Dad." "OK, I've just received an update." "Reports suggest that the enemy has taken out the mobile phone towers, which means calling loved ones is a futile exercise." "I just came back in to find out what the plan is but if there's no plan I'm going back out to shoot some more - this shit is amazing!" "We're going to my dad's house." "That's the plan." "Whoa, whoa - when did that become the plan?" "I have to find out what happened to my mum!" "I thought you just said she was kidnapped by aliens." "Where's the question mark in that sentence?" "This could really work." "Give the film a human interest angle." ""A young woman's life-altering quest to find the emotionally-crippled mother she never knew"!" "Look, cuz." "I'm sorry that your mum's gone MIA, but my compassion isn't gonna fix anything." "Besides, I've got my own family to worry about." "They live in Canada!" "You're not seeing the big picture, man!" "The whole world is under attack here!" "I mean, going to your daddy's house isn't gonna save you." "Dad has a bomb shelter." "Can I come?" "We'll take the van!" "Or not." "Come on, we can take my car!" "We need to get to that bomb shelter, stat!" "Steven!" "Get in!" "We need to get out of the city ASAHP!" "You said I could stay out tonight!" "Things changed slightly when aliens declared war on Earth!" "I'm not letting you out of my sight!" "I love you, Steven!" "Shut up, Dad!" "Errrr!" "You are SO EMBARRASSING!" "Sorry guys, I gotta go." "Take the back streets." "The bridges are gonna be more congested than a pizza boy's bowels." "This all feels totally unreal." "Like a dream or something." "Someone pinch me." "Yep!" "Not a dream." "Ow." "How far to your dad's?" "Half an hour." "Hey Elliot, do you still have your phone with the built-in TV tuner?" "Yeah." "Pass it." "Just be really careful with it, OK?" "Words such as "catastrophic", "cataclysmic" and "catabolic" fail to express the "oh-shit" -factor of what we are seeing here tonight." "I'll let these images speak for themselves." "This is where I'll have some epic music come in, like "O Fortuna"." "Tuna?" "That's high in omega-3 fatty acids." "The Prime Minister has expressed shock at these statements issued just a few minutes ago." "Our allies, America and the United Kingdom, have refused to send aid to Australia." "There is absolutely no doubt in the President's mind that these aliens, or whatever they may be, have made a grievous mistake by choosing a feeble, backwater, third-world country like Australia as the starting point for their global attack." ""Third-world"?" "It is therefore inevitable that they will realise their foolishness and redirect their attentions to the superior nations of the northern hemisphere." "When that time comes, we will need the protection of all our defense forces and it is for this reason we've decided... not to send aid to our doomed allies at the bottom of the world." "The President asks the American people to pray now for the safety... of the United States of America." "Wait a minute." "Does that mean so far only Australia has been attacked?" "Recapping the latest news:" "So far, Australia seems to have been the sole focus of this attack." "OK." "Reports are coming in that the attacks are localised around the capital cities of each of the states and territories, with the exception of Tasmania, which seems to, so far, have evaded attack." "Bloody Tasmania!" "Oh." "Sorry, Elliot." "Two questions." "One:" "Why are the aliens only attacking Australia?" "And three:" "Why have they kidnapped your mum?" "I mean, it doesn't sound like they've kidnapped anyone else." "Isn't it obvious?" "I'm the one they're after." "What?" "The UFO that flashed me as a child gave me otherworldly cognitive powers." "Powers that the aliens now see as a threat to their invasion, and rightly so." "That's why they kidnapped my mum: to get to me." "They came to my house, I wasn't there, so they took her instead." "Why didn't they take your dad, too?" "I don't know." "That's what we're gonna find out." "If these powers of yours are such a threat, why don't you use them?" "Why don't you do some mind control thing on the aliens piloting those ships and bring them down?" "Well, obviously I can't because if they were to drop out of the sky they would do serious damage to whatever's beneath them." "What?" "Like they're not doing that already!" "Go on." "Just bring one down." "I'll take full responsibility if it does any serious damage to the pile of smouldering rubble beneath it." "OK, fine." "I'll bring one down if it'll make you believe me." "But everyone has to be quiet for it to work." "This oughta be good." "I did it." "What do you mean, you did it?" "I got inside the pilot's head and I made him fly at the ground!" "That is amazing!" "Oh, wake up and smell the bullshit, Elliot!" "It's a hundred spaceships, 50 k's behind us!" "There's no way to prove she brought one down." "Holy Ship" "You actually brought one down." "You pulled some kinda telepathetic mind trick on a creature from outer space." "You're a god-damn Jedi." "I told you." "Let's go check it out!" " Absolutely!" " W-wait!" "What about the pilot?" "Did it die, or is it still alive?" "Well..." "I'm not sensing anything right now." "Alright." "Well as long as you're not sensing anything." "Are you guys crazy?" "It's pitch-black in there!" "Your eyes will adjust -just give them time." "Time enough to be impregnated by a pissed-off alien parasite!" "Relax, Elliot." "Andi will tell us if there's a disturbance in the Force." "I still don't see anything." "Does anybody think we're not being very intelligent here?" "Wait a minute." "Cam, isn't there a light on that camera?" "Well, yeah, but I don't want to run down the battery on tonight of a" " TURN THE BLOODY LIGHT ON!" " OK, jeeez!" "It's one of these buttons on the side." "What the hell is that?" "!" "I don't know!" "I can't find the button!" "Cam, I can't over-emphasise how urgently we need that light on." "WHAT IS IT?" "!" "WHERE IS IT?" "OH, WE'RE GONNA DIE!" "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "OH, ANDI!" "OH, IT'S EATING HER!" "IT BIT MEI!" "IT BIT MEEEE!" "It's OK!" "Alien down." "You said you didn't sense anything!" "What the hell was that?" "!" "I guess my powers aren't 100% reliable." "Hey!" "Found some conveniently-placed torches!" "Cam, are you OK?" "It bit me." "I don't think it's bad, though." "Let me see." "I know a thing or two about upper body injuries." "Should be fine, as long as you keep the wound clean so it doesn't get infected." "Sorry, Cam." "Hey guys, check out E.T." "It's like a... slimy, hairless monkey." "No, I think it's the alien from the ship." "He's just describing it, you idiot!" "Obviously it's the alien from the ship!" "Ladies and gentlemen." "With the footage you are seeing now, we answer the question of whether or not humankind is alone in the universe." "The answer is "no"." "Well said, but I knew the answer to that question 17 years ago." "If this is the choice of company, I think I'd rather be alone in the universe." "Is that the ship over there?" "Yeah, let's check it out!" "Elliot." "You stay here with the alien." "Don't take your eyes off it." "But" "Do not take your eyes off it!" "There's two seats." "So that means there were two aliens piloting this spaceship." "Not necessarily." "Might just be a guest seat." "What the hell are you looking at?" "Pssst." "Pssssst." "Guys." "Psst." "The alien." "Pssst." "The alien" " I think it's moving!" "Pssst." "Hey guys, I think the alien's movi" "Tell me... you were filming that." "Are you kidding?" "That's the new opening shot of my doco." "Hey look, I found two more!" "Oh my god, it's on my face, it's in my mouth!" "It's gonna give me weird and incurable diseases, I know it!" "Oh!" "Oh god, it's everywhere." "It's everywhere!" "Oh my god!" "Hey, John!" "Yes, I am John." "Yeah we know that!" "Hey John, you seen any other aliens out here?" "Other aliens?" "Are you suggesting that I am an alien?" "No, you idiot!" "Other, as in other than the alien we just killed." "You... killed an alien?" "Yeah man!" "I just blew it's head off with this sick-arse spacegun!" "YOU BLEW IT'S HEAD OFF'!" "Yeah, but don't celebrate too soon, cos Cam's convinced there's another one somewhere." "There were two seats on that spaceship, so clearly there was another alien on board." "Hey look, human cars have seating for five people, doesn't always mean there's five people in them." "Besides, check out what we" "Except it's not a car, is it?" "It's a plane." "There's always two pilots on a plane." "Cam, can we just save the spaceship seating discussion for another time?" "Besides, if there was another alien around here, we would have seen it by now." "Here, give this baby a go." "Wait, wait wait!" "I just want to try mine again first!" "OK, stand back, ladies and gentlemen, cos this is about to go off." "Tech-tacular." "OK, John, your turn." "Oh. yeah!" "Oh yeah, man!" "That was frickin' awesome!" "Last but not least." "Aw!" "Why do I get the dud one?" "Holy shit!" "We need to go." "Now." "The aliens would have seen that." "No they wouldn't've." "They're all the way over there in the city." "She's right." "They saw it and they're coming." "I can sense it." "She's sensing stuff!" "Let's get the heck out of here!" "Ah, sensing, shmensing!" "I say, let 'em come!" "I'd like to see them stand up to these beauties!" "I'M SORRY!" "I'M SORRY!" "I'M SO SO SORRY!" "Where's your spacegun?" "SPACEGUN?" "!" "WHAT'S A SPACEGUN GONNA DOT?" "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" "Is this it?" "Yes, that's it!" "Elliot!" "Take the gun and open your window - we need to return fire!" "I can't" " I need to finish cleaning my face!" "Oh, I don't believe this!" "Get off the damn road, ya freakin' arsehole!" "What are you doing, you idiot!" "Oh, I hate bikelists!" "This is exactly why I frickin' hate bikelists!" "Seriously, dude!" "Now, Elliot!" "Shit!" "It won't lock on cos it thinks they're friendly!" "Show's what guns know!" "Dang it!" "That's what I call road rage." "See?" "Told you we'd make it." "I don't know what you guys were so worried about." "You hear that?" "What?" "That noise back there." "Sounds exactly like the kicking and groaning of someone bound and gagged in the boot of the car." "Must be the rear axle." "Well obviously it's the rear axle!" "I'm just worried it might break off before we reach your dad's place." "Then we'd really be screwed." "What is that smell?" "What smell?" "Something smells like dead reptiles." "Wasn't me." "Roll down your window." "To kingdom come." "Attempts by the Australian Defence Forces to stop the onslaught have failed spectacularly." "Hopes of overseas support were crushed earlier this evening, following this statement by the US President:" "If the Aussies insist on stealing all the attention, then let it be on their heads." "When these Martians feel like they need a challenge, America is ready for them." " Bastard!" " Hey, calm down!" "Why on earth haven't the aliens started attacking other countries yet?" "Because they haven't found me yet." "They're trying to flush me out!" "The future appears bleak for the people of Australia, unless you happen to live in Tasmania, which has so far remained immune." "BASTARDS!" "Hey, take a chill tablet." "Why haven't they started attacking Tasmania yet?" "I guess they don't see it as part of Australia." "Listeners, an anonymous tip has just been emailed through to the station." "Bare in mind that its source has not been validated, but the subject reads, "A warning to all Australians"." "According to the content of the message, the alien creatures piloting these ships have the ability to generate a false skin, and appear almost identical to human beings they wish to emulate." "The anonymous sender advises the Australian public to be on the lookout for aliens imitating people." "Some indicators are:" "lack of personal knowledge about the person being imitated, strange bodily spasms, halting, croaky speech." "And an unusual odour, that can only be described as..." ""dead reptiles"." "Now I know how you're so in-tuned with the aliens - how you can sense them - you're one of them!" "How many times!" "The flying saucer gave me otherworldly cognitive powers!" "Otherworldly, cognitive, powers!" "Oh, stop PMS-hwy." "I'm the one who smelled the dead reptiles!" "You didn't even notice it!" "Well I don't know what primary school you went to, but where I grew up, the one who smelt it was more often than not, the one who dealt it!" "Spare me the first amendment to the Constitution of Farting!" "Hey, did one of you guys step on a gecko or something?" "Elliot, thank god!" "Ask me a question." "Something only the real Andi would know." "Something I learned about well before the events of today." "Uh..." "OK." "Um..." "When did I get my braces taken off?" "Which braces?" "Upper teeth, lower teeth, legs, arms, ears or buttocks?" "Alright, forget that." "Um..." "I know." "What is my biggest fear?" "Rabies." "Yep." "That's definitely Andi." "Oh yeah?" "Well how do I know he's not an alien too?" "Well then you ask a question!" "OK..." "Elliot." "So we've met before today, right?" "Well then." "How many consecutive titles did I win when I was a boxer-J?" ""Six titles over a period of 14 years."" "Don't make it sound like I'm constantly telling people." "Hey John." "You hear that?" "Six consecutive titles." "OK, Keith." "Here's one for you." "Who is my..." "least favourite relative?" "That's easy." "Your dad." "OK, you're in." "And I'm your most favourite, right?" "Are you sure you're not an alien?" "Hate to be a hassle, but pretty sure I'm dying." "Cam!" "Where did we first meet?" "What?" "Answer the question or we're gonna fry you like a prawn on a barbecue!" "We met at St Sheila's Girls School." "Sixth Grade." "You were so obsessed with aliens you made me prove I wasn't one by having me take off my skin" "OK-K!" "That's enough information!" "Thank you!" "Surely you do not suspect John." "Give him a hard one." "What's your favourite colour?" "Errrrrrrr..." "Green." "You always told me it was blue." "I recently switched... to green." "Well, that clears all of us, thank god!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" " Wait!" "What about the dead reptile smell?" "The what-now?" "I can't smell it anymore." "Maybe we ran over a goanna?" "Brain tumours can often cause phantom smells!" "Are you experiencing any dizziness or migraines-J?" "Elliot!" "Would you stop relating everything to brain tumours?" "Come on, let's get back in the car." "We've got a long way to go still." "Hey, Andi." "Isn't that your dad's house just there?" "Oh." "Never mind." "His car's here." "Where'd we first meet?" "At the Royal Women's Hospital... w-where I was born." "What about them?" "L" " I checked them, they're clean." " Have you been listening to the radio too?" " Get inside." "Dad!" "What happened to Mum?" "I told you - aliens kidnapped her." "It was a few minutes before they first attacked." "A small troop of them came to the house and dragged her out screaming through this door." "It was horrible." "I saw the whole thing from inside that cardboard box." "What?" "You were hiding under a box?" "!" "Is that what I think it is?" "If you think it's an alien bite wound, then yeah." "Good god." "You need chocolate." "What are you doing?" "I'm saving your friend's life - what does it look like?" "Ah!" "OK." "This might sting a little." "I think your dad's gonna kill us... and eat us." "Not if we kill him first." "There." "It doesn't feel any different." "Well of course not" " I haven't added the coconut sprinkles yet." "Oh my god." "It's gone." "The pain's all gone!" "Dad..." "That's incredible!" "That's nothing." "You should see what I can do with a cup of jelly and a creme brulee." "OK, stop the music!" "It's questions and answers time." "Dad, why were you hiding in a cardboard box when the aliens came?" "Why do you have a gun?" "And how do you know that Nutella and coconut sprinkles cures alien bite wounds?" "In brief, what the smeg is going on'.7?" "I s'pose it's high time I told you kids the truth." "I am not... the retired lead banjo player from a Country  Western folk-pop duo." "What?" "I'm a retired ASIO operative." "Codename PP-69." "What's ASIO?" "You know ASIO" " Australia's intelligence agency that no one's ever heard of." "We're a secret intelligence agency, princess." "And if no one's ever heard of us, we're obviously doing a far better job than the" "CIA, MIG, and those other publicity-hungry wankers!" "Dad!" "And I wasn't hiding when the aliens turned up." "I was keeping out of sight, to avoid being found." "That's what hiding is, Dad." "Alright, I was hiding." "But I had a good reason!" "It's me they're after." "I thought they'd up and leave when they couldn't find me but they kidnapped your mother instead." "They kidnapped her to get to me." "What do they want with you?" "Hold this." "Ah, the dust of days gone by." "Or is that asbestos?" " Dad, can we turn on the overhead lights?" " Shhh!" "A year before you were born, one of these alien spaceships crashed out near the Simpson Desert." "The alien occupant died on impact." "ASIO was first on the scene." "We took the remains back to a secret outback installation:" "Shed 51." "I was all set to perform the world's first autopsy on an extra-terrestrial species, when the body just... vanished." " Vanished?" " Literally vanished." "I turned my back for two seconds, turned around and hey presto - it's gone!" "My partner, Agent Crowe - he never believed me." "For years he hounded me, sending me text messages day and night." "It was brutal." "But the truth is what I'm telling you now." "That dead alien just abracadabra'd itself into thin air." "So you think that these aliens want you because you might know what happened to that alien?" "Maybe." "Maybe that alien was special." "Or maybe it's because I know too much." "Unlikely." "After the disappearance, ASIO bumped me down to Scholastic Division." "I studied these guys for 12 years while I was with the agency." "Since retiring, I've compiled all of my research into a single memoir." "I'm still looking for a publisher, if you know anyone." ""A steamy action-adventure about a 16-year-old virgin who goes to witch school and falls in love with an extra-terrestrial vampire."" "Well, I... had to juice it up a little bit otherwise who's gonna buy it, right?" "So let me just come to terms with something." "All these things you kept telling me when I was a kid " ""There's no such thing as aliens", "There's no such thing as flying saucers"," ""There's no such thing as Christmas" - that was all bullshit?" "I wanted to tell you, Andi." "I did." "But hey!" "Maybe the truth can bring us closer together." "Dad, you're touching me." "Oh, sorry!" "Forgot you don't like me doing that." "Won't happen again." "Wait!" "Are you the one that emailed the radio station?" "Yes." "It's against everything ASIO stands for." "Well, the "S" at least." "But people have to be warned." "Those things could look like anyone, down to the minutest detail." "Hell, John here could be an alien and we wouldn't have the faintest clue." "Highly amusing, Mr Gibson." "That's a hell of a cold you've got there, John-o." "I'll get you some aspirin." "So what's the plan to get her back?" "Who?" "Mum!" "Andi, I'd love nothing better than to go get your mum back but the fact is, we don't know where they've taken her." "So, what?" "We're just gonna hang loose here and hope the aliens come back?" "Good idea." "We should try and get some sleep, too." "Sleep?" "!" "Aliens have kidnapped my mum, Dad!" "If you think I'm gonna rest for one second until she's home safe then you obviously don't know me very well." "Andi!" "Andi!" "Andi!" "Wake up!" "I think I have a way to find out where your mother is." "Can we do it some other time?" "AARGH!" "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "Hey!" "What's all the rumpus?" "Shut up!" "I'm just... taking Andi to show her something." "Sounds mighty suspicious to me." "What do you think, John-o?" "A-firrnative." "Hey John, if you're gonna sleep, why don't you just lie down on the bottom bunk?" "I would prefer to staaaand." "That's pretty weird, man." "But I guess it's those little peculiarities that makes a person special, right?" "I'm watching you sussies!" "Don't think I'm not." "Darn it!" "I just had a 120-minute shower and my hair still smells of alien brains." "Oh, and Dad, you may be out of hot water." "Shhh!" "There's a strange car parked outside the house!" "Well... is it Keith's car?" "The... car we came here in?" "Oh." "Right." "Wait!" "There's a second car parked outside the house!" "Explain that!" "Isn't your car parked out there too, Dad?" "Oh." "Yeah, I didn't recognise it from this angle." "Wait!" "There's a third car!" "A silver Ute!" "Dad?" "Don't take this the wrong way, but" "Do you think that maybe those years of working for ASIO have made you a little... paranoid?" "Paranoid?" "Why?" "Are the others saying stuff about me behind my back?" "Are you saying stuff about me behind my back?" "No." "Easy to say." "Dang!" "Where did I leave my puffer?" "Yeah!" "Amazing!" "Thank you, memory!" "Is this gonna take long?" "I gotta get some kip!" "Listen!" "While I was asleep in the back of the car, the record button on my camera must have been bumped." "Look what it captured!" "John!" "?" "John is an alien?" "!" "S'pose he has been looking a little greener since we found that spaceship." "There's that." "OK." "Time to go back inside." "Stupid rear axle." "(Elliot!" ")" "Need some more chocolate paste?" "Actually, I've been reading your dad's book." "The first few chapters are a bit contrived, but things really heat up when she spends the night with a sexy ectoparasite from Omicron 5." " Is this relevant?" " Anyway!" "According to the book, these aliens are a lot like slugs!" "You needed a book to tell you that?" "What I mean is, they're vulnerable to sodium chloride." "Yeah, well, I hate to break this to you, Cam, but we don't exactly have access to a chemistry lab, now do we?" "Andi... sodium chloride is table salt." "Well... yeah." "I knew that." "I just thought you said... plutonium... chloride." "John?" "I thought you were in the bedroom!" "Did you hear that rear axle just now?" "Game's up, John!" "We know you're the a--!" "Oh crap, we're too late." "Stay back!" "Or I'll blow his head ofil" "Just like he did to my sister!" "He's out of his freaking mind!" "John, I swear to god," "I've never even met your sister!" "Keith!" "That's not John - it's the other alien from the crash!" "Duh!" "That's why there were two seats on the spaceship!" "What?" "!" "Why am I always the last to know about these developments?" "!" "It's pretty obvious!" "Keith!" "Do that move you were famous for - the Falsetto Stiletto!" "I think you'll find that in my species, the scrotum is located in the neck!" "Now!" "No!" "We need him alive!" "I... hate... humans!" "Come on, guys." "We can take him!" "There's three of us and only one of him." "Go get him, Cam!" "O-K..." "Two of us and only one of him - those are still fantastic odds!" "You're up, Cheap Shot." "OK, pal." "You're gonna regret the day that you ever stepped foot in the ring with the winner of six consecutive titles over a period" " OH!" "So that's how you want to play, hey?" "With skill!" "Alrighty then, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." "He squashed me like an insect!" "Elliot, are you in here?" "You know what the difference is between you and a punching bag?" "Cos I sure don't." "I think our words speak louder than our actions." "Maybe we can talk him into submission." "This fighting grows tiresome." "You hear that?" "He's getting tired!" "Maybe we still got a shot!" "I surrender." "This... is for [alien noises]!" "What's he saying?" "I think he's talking about his sister." "Makes sense." "John?" "John is an alien!" "Thank god I got here in time to warn you guys..." "Uh, a..." "I, uh... found the real John in the boot of your car, Keith." "You might want to get the carpet replaced." "Are you OK, John?" "I need a drink." "You need some pants, dude." "Desperately." "Why am I staring at John's naked butt?" "Dad, have you got any clothes for John to wear?" "Sure." "How does a body bag sound?" "Oh shit!" "TAKE THAT, YOU ALIEN IMPOSTOR!" "What?" "What are you all looking at me like that for?" "Oopsidaisy." "There." "That's the last bullet." "Lucky I was aiming for alien organs and not human ones, or he'd probably be dead." "Guess the "shoot 15 times first, ask questions later" strategy didn't work so well, huh?" "Ah well." "No harm, no foul." "No, Dad." "There's foul." "Oodles and oodles of foul." "Hey!" "I saw that video, and I made a split-second command decision to protect everyone, OK?" "That's what the ASIO training does." "It sculpts you into a deadly, instinctual instrument." "I think your instrument needs to be restrung." "We're all set up in the garage." "When you're ready." "OK." "Take that thing off his head." "No, the other thing." "OK, Starman." "My name is Andrea Gibson." "My mother's been kidnapped and we don't have a lot of time." "So I'm gonna cut right to the chase and ask the big question that's on everybody's lips." "How do you aliens speak English?" "We speak English in the same way you do." "By manipulating sonic vibrations from the voice box with our tongue, teeth and tonsils." "I believe the question you mean to ask is, "How is that we come to speak English?"" "Wow." "They speak English better than we do." "OK, then." "How did you "come to speak English", Mr Shakespeare?" "The same way all foreigners do." "We took classes disguised as human immigrants." "OK, class!" "Let's start by saying your name... and, where you're from!" "Yong!" "Would you like to go first?" "My name is Yong Sing and I am from outer space." "I MEAN-China." "Very good, Yong!" "Except for that "outer space" flub." "You're not that kind of alien, are you?" "Do not be ab-surd." "Elliot, I'm the one handling this interrogation." "Oh, so-sorry, Andi" " I won't interrupt again." "Good." "Now then" "Wait!" "I've got one." "What caused your ship to crash?" "We already know that!" "How could you possibly know that?" " Go on, Andi - tell him!" " I'm not telling him anything!" "Do it!" "Tell him how you crashed his ship!" "Tell him!" "Andi!" "What the hell is he talking about?" "How did you crash his ship?" "Come on, Andi!" "Tell him!" " Tell me." " Tell him!" "Tell me!" " Tell him!" "Tell him!" "Tell him!" " Tell me!" "Tell me!" "Tell me!" " Tell me!" "Tell me!" "Tell me!" "Tell me!" "Tell me!" " Tell him!" "Tell him!" "Tell him!" "Tell him!" "Tell him!" "Tell me!" "Tell me!" "Excuse me!" "We are here to interrogate the alien, not me." "So can you idiots just shut up, please?" "My sister, who was piloting the ship, had some sort of aneurysm at the controls." "It had nothing to do with you!" "Nice try, Marvin, but it's time to 'fess up." "Admit it:" "I'm the whole reason you're here." "17 years ago one of your spaceships gave me otherworldly cognitive powers." "The same powers I used to take control of your sister's mind a few hours ago." "The same powers you came to Earth to destroy." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Still have no idea?" "Andi, that's ridiculous." "I know these spaceships." "I studied them for 12 consecutive years." "You reckon you saw one that night when you were 10?" "OK, I believe you." "Better 17 years late than never." "I deserved that." "But know this:" "Those spaceships don't "flash" people and give them super powers." "Can't happen." "Well it happened to me, Dad!" "And that's why they're here." "I'm their biggest threat!" "Isn't that right?" "Stop that!" "That's not helping, Andi!" "Because you're wrong." "I'm their biggest threat." "I know too much and that makes me extremely dangerous." "I'm the one you're really after, right?" "I have no idea who you are." "LIES!" "You know exactly who I am!" "Admit it!" "I'm the one that you want!" "Dad, stop it!" "I'm the one they want and this sonofabitch knows it!" "Don't you!" "It's me they want!" "I'm the one they want!" " Look-- it's me!" " It's me!" "Guys!" "GUYS!" "Maybe the aliens are after both of you." "Isn't that right?" "Uh... yes!" "That's true, we..." "I admit it - we're after both of you." "Equally." "But you're after me more, right?" "For god's sakes, Dad!" "It's not a competition!" "And if it was, I'd win." "OK, Slugface!" "There's just one more thing I need to know." "Where did they take my Mum?" "I'll never tell you that." "Never's a big word." "No, it's a strong word." "72% of the words in the English language are bigger than "never"." "Ha!" "Burn!" "Tell me where they took her!" "If I tell you, what's to stop you from killing me?" "A little thing they call "humanity"." "Wouldn't expect you to understand." "Cos you're not human!" " Elliot!" " Sorry!" "Sorry!" "Look." "I didn't mean to hurt your friend." "I just needed to disguise myself." "Trust me." "My dad's done more damage to him than you ever could." "Look, I can sense your emotions." "With my otherworldly cognitive powers." "I know you loved your sister." "Well I feel the same way about my mother, OK?" "You killed my sister." "No, Keith killed your sister." " Guilty." " But that's all in the past now." "You can't dwell on these things - you have to move on!" "It happened three hours ago!" "Look, you slimy bastard, are you gonna tell me where my mum is or am I gonna have to spill this entire shaker in your face?" "No!" "Please!" "That's too much salt!" "They've taken her to our ground operations in the city." "Which is where?" "St Sheila's School For Girls." "What?" "You've taken over our old high school?" "Why there?" "It has the best view of Brisbane for conducting our attack." "Plus, the facilities are first-rate." "But you'll never make it!" "It's too heavily-guarded." "We'll see." "OK, guys." "You heard him." "We're going back to school!" "If that's the case, I'm gonna start studying for a Certificate Ill in Histopathology and Health" "I'm talking about rescuing Mum, you idiot!" "Who's with me?" "I'm coming." "I know the place inside-out." "Just need to charge my camera." "Keith ?" "Have you ever known Keith "Cheap Shot" Flynn to back down from a fight?" "Well there was that one time, between my fifth and sixth consecutive titles," "But that guys was on stronger drugs!" "Elliot, she's your mum." "Hmm." "That's true." "Guess I didn't think of it that way." "Yeah, I guess so." "I could be in charge of pharmaceuticals!" "A vital component to any rescue mission." "Well then, that's all five of us!" "Alright!" "Uuuuuuh..." "I can't come." "What?" "Look, Andi." "I'd love nothing better than to flitter off with you guys and go rescue Mum." "But someone has to stay here to take care of John and water the houseplant." "Dad, that houseplant is fake." "But I'll tell you what I will do." "I will wish you four... the very... best of luck!" "Thanks, Dad!" "What?" "We need all the luck we can get." "In fact, call me superstitious..." "But I guess it couldn't hurt." "My bad." "OK." "I hurried to do up this map just now so bare with me, cos it's a little basic." "Holy cow - it looks like a computer drew this." "Well..." "I used a ruler." "Guys, guys. guys - I drew up a map of St Sheila's!" "Check it out." "OK." "So that's you, Andi..." "No that's you, Andi." " And that's me..." " Elliot!" "Oh." "I see you already have a map." "Well thanks for telling me." "Anyway..." "Back to what I was a saying..." "The entrance is all glass, so that's no good for a surprise attack." "I say we hit from the back, which is easy because we'll be coming from that direction anyway." "Who's this red dot?" "Oh that's John's blood seeping though from the other side." " On." " Right!" "It's time to get suited up." "True that!" "We're gonna need some body Armour, shields... paper mache - anything that we can use to protect ours" "No!" "The first thing we need is some appropriate suiting-up music!" "How 'bout it, Dad?" "You got anything in this old house that'll get the adrenalin pumping?" "I have some..." "Tazmaniax!" "You are not my father." "The time has come, to make a stand" "We're sick of being the forgotten land" "We're just like you." "We're Aussies too" "But not as bronzed - more under-tanned" "Tasmania!" "Australia!" "We're the bit below the big bit!" "Tasmania!" "No-brainia!" "We're like an island... that's completely surrounded by water!" "(It's like an island!" ")" "Some people say, we've got two heads" "They even say, that we're inbred!" "Well I've had enough!" "And I have too!" "So cuz and me, we're off to bed" "Tasmania!" "Australia!" "We're the bit below the big bit!" "Tasmania!" "No-brainia!" "We're like an island..." "That's completely surrounded by water!" "(Yeah!" ")" "Completely surrounded by water!" "(Sing it!" ")" "Our home, is gin, by seal" "Alright, listen up!" "It's aliens versus Australians." "Guess who's gonna win?" "Aliens." "Just to clarify, we're the Austr" "Oh, oh, oh!" "Australians." "Definitely." "Ow." "This is a moment we've been waiting for." "The moment that turns an ordinary nobody into an extraordinary somebody!" "The eyes of the world are on us tonight." "Now are we gonna kick some ass?" " Yeah!" " Wrong!" "We're gonna kick some arse!" "We will not go soberly into the night." "We will not scarper without a barney." "Today, we celebrate... our Australia Day!" "Yeah!" "Even though it's the middle of August!" "Yeah!" "Everybody now!" ""Au-stralians all let us rejoi--"" "Andi." "Maybe we should go save your mother from the aliens now." "Good call." "Show no mercy." "Cos you won't get any from them." "And remember, drink plenty of water and keep your fluids up." "Alright?" "Take a few." "Pass them round." "Everybody needs one." "Elliot, you should have two." "Yep." "I know what you're like." "Just a couple more." "It's really important." "You don't want to get caught fighting aliens and dehydrated - it's bad." "Dad, that's really enough!" "No, no, wait, wait" " I made some sandwiches and I've got the Nutella and the shredded coc" "Alright!" "Well you go get those mothers!" "And your mother!" "Thirsty." "Cam!" "How long til we reach the alien command?" "An... hour and fifteen minutes?" "With the final refusal of assistance from the Democratic Republic of Congo, it seems that all hope is lost for the citizens of Australia, with the exception of Tasmania, which is yet to be affected." "What the frick is the dilly with this Tasmania shit?" "Forget about Tasmania!" "You're like a broken CD." "The cold emptiness of oblivion beckons." "Who will save us now?" "Email us at WTFM with the answer for your chance to win a trip to Tasman" "You hear that?" "This is it, guys!" "This is our big chance to save the day!" "Yeah!" "What are we gonna do?" "Save the day!" "Who are we gonna rescue in the process?" "You're/my mother!" "Who's gonna stop us?" "No one!" "YEEEAH!" "WOOOOOO!" "Are we there yet?" "KEITH!" "Hmmm?" "Ya... idiot!" " Freakin' idiot!" " I'm sorry." "Holy crap, it's St Sheila's." "Are you kidding me?" "I don't see anyone - human or otherwise." "It looks almost... deserted." "So much for "heavily-guarded"." "I knew that alien was full of it." "Can you believe he tried to convince us they came to Earth for anyone other than just me?" "Who did he take us for?" "Maybe he was lying about everything." "Maybe this isn't their secret ground operations... base." "Attention, humans." "You are trespassing on the alien secret ground operations base." "You have five Earth seconds to leave before you are vaporised." "It's a bluff." "It's an elaborate bluff." "ABANDON SHIIIIIIP!" " Grab the guns!" " No time!" "My Puffer!" "Elliot!" "No!" "What the helliot?" "!" "Elliot, no!" "Elliot, what are you doing?" "Elliot!" "Elliot!" "Stop!" "Get off me!" "Elliot!" "Oh wait!" "I have my backup puffer." "ELLIOOOOOT!" "NOOOOO!" " Andi!" "Andi!" " Get off!" "Andi!" "Could you maybe approach from a different trajectory?" "This is for my brother!" "Drop the gun." "It belongs to us." "Leave the planet." "It belongs to us." "You're preaching to the wrong alien." "I personally cannot wait until this planet no longer exists." "I feel sick every moment I spend on it." "OI, ROBOT!" "Welcome to my world." "Andi." "Elliot?" "You're alive!" "Yeah." "For now." "I may have some infectious disease I'm not aware of, but we'll wait and see." "You're all covered in din." "I am?" "Huh." "You know what?" "I don't care." "You don't?" "No!" "I'm alive!" "That's what matters!" "Elliot, I take back what I said about you." "You are not the lamest, dorkiest, most abhorrently pathetic piece of uterine scum to have ever been shat upon this Earth." "What'!" "When did you say that?" "Oh that's right - you weren't there." "Guess I only say that when you're not around." "But not anymore!" "You're the best!" "Elliot!" "That was amazing!" "I'll tell you what's amazing:" "The savagery with which we're gonna take down this school!" "Who's with me?" "Hell yeah!" "OK, well..." "We're on the wrong side of the complex, so if we just adjust the plan slightly" "Screw the plan!" "Let's bust up in here and laser those slimeballs into the next dimension!" "YEAH!" "CHAAAARGE!" " Yeah!" "Woohoo!" "Let's go!" " Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!" "Oy, oy, oy!" "Guys, I can't help but notice that we're running towards a brick wall." "Not for long!" "Elliot?" "With pleasure!" "Hey!" "Guess we're not the only ones who stole some alien weapons and broke into their secret base!" "Alrighty then!" "Where them aliens at?" "We are the aliens." "Did not see that coming." "Andi?" "Andi?" "Andrea?" "Mum?" "Is that you?" "Yeah, it's me, space girl." "Oh, Mum!" "You wouldn't believe the dream I just had." "But it felt so real." "Aliens from outer space were attacking Australia." "They were clearly after me because of my otherworldly cognitive powers." "And you were in it too!" "They'd captured you to get to me." "And we were coming to rescue you " "Me and Elliot and Keith and Cam." "And I was totally kicking arse." "I found this spacegun, and I completely terminated this giant robot that was about to kill Elliot." "Keith was being such a tool." "Acting like some gung-ho lunatic." "And then he goes and tears up this super-detailed map I drew!" "He was being a real jerk, Mum." "I was the only one holding it together." "Andi... this dream, did it conclude at St Sheila's Private Girls School, by any chance?" ""St Sheila's Private Girls School"?" "Move another inch and you die!" "Oh, I don't believe this!" "You guys let us get captured?" "Nice work, team!" "Oh, shut up, Andi!" "Yeah!" "It's your fault we're stuck in this mess!" "We should have stuck to the plan!" "Keith!" "Elliot!" "What did I tell you two?" "Look, I'm proud of all of you, just for trying to rescue me!" "It took a lot of guts coming in here like that, just the five of you." " Five?" " Yes." "I'm assuming your father was killed resisting capture." "No, Mum." "He's fine." "He elected to stay at the house and look alter John, whom he shot, accidentally, 15 times." "Oh, that's unfortunate." "I mean, for John." "Mrs Gibson, have they told you why you're here?" "No, they haven't said anything to me." "We already know why they took her- she was bait for me!" "And thanks to you idiots, it worked!" "And now that they have me, and my powers, there's nothing to stop them destroying the rest of Earth!" "So congratu-flipping-lations!" "You know, now would be a real opportune time to use some of those quote-unquote" ""powers" you're always bragging about, sis!" "Yeah, like I'm gonna save your life after you put my powers in quotation marks." "Shhh!" "Someone's coming." "On your feet, Earth scum!" "She will see you now." "Well it's about time!" "Wait, who are you talking about?" "So..." "Look who walked straight into my trap." "WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING STANDING?" "!" "KNEEL BEFORE THE SUPREME COMMANDER OF OUR ARMED FORCES," "MOLVA FRONSHKRABB!" "You must excuse my appearance." "This was the most regal human I could find to imitate." "A Lady Gaga lookalike competition winner." " I like it a lot, it's very nice..." " I'd wear it myself..." " Lady Gaga is a talented artist..." " Can I get one in black?" "Regal!" "You don't remember me, do you?" "YES!" "YOU, with the red hair!" "You don't remember me?" "Uuuuuh..." "Pretty sure this is the first time we've met..." "Is that so?" "Well then," "Perhaps you will remember... this!" "17 years ago." "I was a mere pilot then." "On a routine shock-and-awe flyover mission." "We flew over, we shocked you, you were in awe - the mission was a roaring success!" "And then, upon our return home," "I find this, stuck to the outer hull of our ship!" "Blow it up, and read aloud the very words that have doomed your planet to total annihilation!" "Words?" "DO AS THE COMMANDER COMMANDS!" "OK, sheesh!" "There's no words - it's just a picture I drew when I was a kid!" "DON'T BE COY!" "The other side." "You." "It was funny at the time." "Not only did you impugn our entire race in the most egregious way, but the included portrait was an exact likeness of myself!" "This is all your fault!" "What?" "!" "How was I supposed to know you were gonna take the balloon outside and let it go and it'd attach itself to a spaceship from an alien species with an inferiority complex?" "Are you kidding?" "I could have seen that coming a mile away!" "Oh, WHATEVER!" "So wait a second." "You guys really were after Andi this whole time?" "You say that like you never believed it until now." "And that's why you attacked Australia;" "why you kidnapped Aunty Kylie." "Well, that's all my questions answered." "But what took you so long?" "That balloon thing happened 17 years ago." "You obviously have no idea how difficult it is to obtain an interplanetary visa where we come from." "It's a huge process!" "Forms have to be submitted, background checks, immunisations against literally millions of foreign parasites." "Oh yes." "We've all read "War of the Worlds" - we know about your little bacteria buddies." "I've never gotten used to them myself." "Oh, shut up, Elliot!" "Now that we have captured those directly responsible for this outrage, we shall take you, and our vessels, out of your atmosphere and into high orbit." "From there, you shall witness first-hand the judgment you have brought down upon yourselves as we blast your impudent little planet back into spacedust!" "The illustrations really help... tell the story." "Then what?" "We have to rebuild the human race?" "Do you realise that four of us are related?" "No." "After that, we will kill you, and eject your lifeless corpses with the rest of our accumulated waste." "The human race will be extinct." "Our mission complete, and our pride restored, we shall bid farewell to this insolent corner of the solar system and return triumphantly... to Uranus." "You actually come from Uranus?" "Holy shit, you really do suck balls!" "I changed my mind." "Kill them immediately." "Not so fast." " Dad?" " Honey?" " Uncle Denny?" " Mr Gibson!" "You go by many names, stranger." "Dad!" "What did you do with John?" "Ah, he's fine - he's in the back seat of my car outside." "Ah." "Is that where the houseplant is too?" "I'm the one you want." "Let my family go." "I'm not related by blood, but I'm sure he's including me in that as well." "Who are you?" "I'm the one you're after." "The one you were looking for 17 years ago." "I... am the fugitive." "Dad, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, but they just explained that I'm the one they're after." "Well, technically I am, but they thought it was Andi." "Kids, please!" "You don't know the whole story!" "Remember how I told you about the alien that disappeared during the autopsy?" "Yeah!" "That was a cool story!" "I liked the bit at the end, where the alien disappears." "I lied." "The alien didn't disappear." "And it didn't die on impact." "The alien... is me." "Yeah, sure Dad." "You really thought you could pull that off?" "No... but I thought I could pull this off..." "OK, OK!" "The face is back!" "The face is back!" "Tell me this is some kind of communal nightmare!" "I think it's really happening!" "I just checked the playback - it really happened!" "I just checked the playback - it really happened!" "Oh my god, it's PLAYBACK CONFIRMED!" "SILENCE, EARTH SCUM!" "Would someone please explain to me what the zvix-trog is going on?" "I" "My true name is Yiix Bluzqafleg, and 28 years ago I committed a terrible crime on Uranus." "Keith, for god's sakes." "I'm sorry... but, man, they really screwed up when they named that planet." "I stole a ship and flew to Earth, crash-landed in the Australian desert - a fugitive from my home planet." "I was found by an elderly South-Australian couple and their three-legged dog, Footloose." "I was found by an elderly South-Australian couple and their three-legged dog, Footloose." "I lived with them for several months..." "Can you pass the salt?" "NOOOO!" "Before the men in black found me." "I was so devo'd." "I pretended to be dead." "Right up until the autopsy." "Look, I don't want to cause a panic." "I didn't mean for it to happen, but once it did, I had no other choice." "Couldn't just leave the body there, so..." "I ingested it." "Bones and all." "Well... almost all" " I did keep a little bit for bubble and squeak the next day." "Ugh, that's sick!" "Ugh, that's sick!" "To you maybe, but eating the dead is a sign of respect on our planet, right Commander?" "I managed to convince most of the other agents that the alien magically vanished." "Since the disguise was so effective, I decided to continue on at ASIO as a researcher and put my extensive alien knowledge to good use." "A year later I met your mother, and..." "the rest you know." "A year later I met your mother, and..." "the rest you know." "Dad... is an alien." "Well I'd be lying if I said that didn't make any sense." "Well... how come your fake skin doesn't look like it does on the other aliens?" "Oh, I moisturise." "What about your voice?" "You don't sound like the other aliens." "I do a lot of vocal exercises, drink a lot of camomile tea, throat lozenges, that sort of thing." "What about salt?" "You must have used salt before." "What about salt?" "You must have used salt before." "I never ate real salt." "We had imitation salt, also known as "I Can't Believe It's Not Salt"." "It's made from coconut." "Well then..." "What ab" "Cam?" "Just... back off, OK?" "Mum, did you know?" "Yes of course I knew." "And I wanted to tell you, too." "But your father always had some genius excuse up his sleeve." "We have to tell the kids." "We can't just now." "Andi's obsessed with aliens." "Imagine if she found out I am an alien!" "Well she'd treat me like a god and completely brush you aside." "I don't want to see that happen to you, honey." "Dennis, we need to tell the kids." "Not now." "Not while Elliot's going through his hypochondriac phase." "He'll probably call Biosecurity Services and have me quarantined." "He'll probably call Biosecurity Services and have me quarantined." "Honey!" "We need to tell the kids!" "A mere seven months before Andi's birthday?" "Nice, Kylie." "Ow!" "That's for hiding in a box while they kidnapped me!" "OK, for the record..." "OK, for the record... that box was tremendously dusty an claustrophobic." "So don't pretend like I didn't suffer!" "Mum?" "What is it, Andi?" "You knowingly had sex with an alien?" "I knowingly made love with an alien, yes Andrea." "And he'll be extremely lucky if it ever happens again, quite frankly." "Welcome to "Jerry Springer" meets "The Thing"." "So..." "That means..." "That means..." "Oh my gosh." "Elliot and I are..." "Part-alien?" "Yes." "Well..." "This explains a few things." "Like what?" "For one thing, it explains why I have three belly-buttons!" "It's called a "tri-navel"." "And why I have a tail!" "Sorry, Cam." "And that explains why I have a lump on my scrotum!" "No, that's not alien related." "You should get that checked out." "Oh you know what it probably is?" "Prostate cancer." "Oh my god!" "But the main thing it explains is the true reason why I have otherworldly cognitive powers!" "I didn't get them from that flying saucer 17 years ago!" "I got them from Dad!" "I don't know about "powers", but you may have a telepathic connection with other aliens." "For instance, have you ever heard your brother's voice inside your head?" "Andi, have you ever heard my voice inside your head?" "Hmmm, not that I can specifically recall..." "Anyway!" "I'm here now so please arrest me and let these innocent people go." "I'm here now so please arrest me and let these innocent people go." "Mr Blizzle-flake," "Despite what you may think," "I have no idea who you are, or what you've done." "My business here is with your daughter." "And, to a lesser extent, planet Earth." "So... my coming here was completely meaningless?" "It appears so." "It appears so." "Well..." "I'll just be off, then." "Not so fast!" "Hello, Dennis." "Crowe." "What the hell is Stix's dad doing here?" "What's the matter, Agent PP-69?" "Not happy to see your old partner?" "Wait a second!" "Stix's dad is Agent Crowe from ASIO?" "The guy you told us about - the one that never believed you?" "That's right, starchild." "I knew that whole vanishing alien story was a crock of shit!" "It only took 28 years of stalking your family to prove myself right." "It only took 28 years of stalking your family to prove myself right." "That was you in the silver Ute outside my house tonight!" "I've been there every night for the last quarter-century!" "Thanks for finally noticing!" "Speaking of which, how come I never see you at any of Titanium Turtle's gigs, Dennis?" "What kind of unsupportive parent are you?" "Andi tells me not to come." "And, besides, have you heard 'em play?" "And, besides, have you heard 'em play?" "They're no Tazmaniax." "SHUT UP!" "You are not gonna ruin this moment for me." "Don't bet on it." "He's ruined many a moment in his time." "Stix, have you and your dad been following us all night?" "Don't answer that." "Well, obviously you have, otherwise you wouldn't be here." "Lame, dude." " Real lame." " It's not my fault!" " Real lame." " It's not my fault!" "Dad never talks about his work!" "He only told me everything a few hours ago." " I didn't mean for" " Steven!" "One more word, and there's no ice-cream tonight, young man." "ERRRRRR!" "Dad, stop embarrassing me!" "Funny how things turn out, isn't it?" "You know, I've always dreamed of conducting gruesomely unethical experiments on you, Dennis." "But, tonight..." "I had a change of heart." "But, tonight..." "I had a change of heart." "Oh, thank god!" "I'm gonna kill you instead." "What?" "What about the experiments?" "Well..." "Why settle for a small fry, when I can take home the big cheese?" "Drop those guns, or I'll put a big fat bullet in the Commander's head." "Do you know who I am, human?" "Do you know who I am, human?" "Yes." "You're the alien that's gonna help me to achieve my lifelong ambition." "With your advanced technology, I'm gonna turn this country into a new superpower." "All other nations of the world will be forced to bow down, in subservience, before the awesome might of the Iron Kangaroo!" "Before the awesome might of the Iron Kangaroo!" "And I," "Agent Nelson Crowe, will be Supreme Commander and LORD of all the lands, seas and skies of this Earth!" "Someone needs to stop sniffing glue." "Thank you, Elliot!" "I almost forgot." "As witnesses to my little acquisition," "I can't allow any of you to leave this room alive." "Well how else are we supposed to leave the room, genius?" "We can't exactly leave it dead, now can we?" "I don't think we're leaving the room at all." " You must be the smart one." " But Mr Crowel" "What about that wonderful conversation we had at Andi's gig?" "Didn't that mean anything to you?" " I was faking it." " Oh!" "Besides, the time for conversation is over." "Besides, the time for conversation is over." "Aw!" "Since this whole thing started because of you, Dennis," "It seems only fitting that you should be the first to die." "I'm sure there's a more appropriate person you could start with." "Are you sure you've thought it through thoroughly?" "Say your prayers..." "Not so fast!" "What the hell?" "Drop the gun, Stix's dad." "John?" "I thought you were dead!" "I was." "But then I woke up." "I was in the back of someone's car, zipped up in a body bag!" "Dad!" "Well he stopped breathing!" "And I didn't want him stinking up the car!" "Luckily, I managed to chew myself out of the bag and then I crawled all the way here." "I also found this gun on the ground outside." "So you better drop it, Stix's dad, before I pump you full of... energy." "Wait a second, that's not my gun, is it?" "The one that ran out of ammo at the worst possible moment?" "Oh darn." "Oopsidaisy." "How could you shoot John?" "Now, back to what I was doing before I was so rudely interrupted:" "Killing you!" " Not so fast!" " Oh, PUH-LEASE!" " Not so fast!" " Oh, PUH-LEASE!" "My name is Roy." "I'm here from the Brisbane City Council." "Everybody here is under arrest for trespassing on private property." "Arrest this." "NOW!" "SHOOT HIM!" "Run, kids!" "Andi!" "Drop it, kid." "Or I'll give your brother the incurable disease he's been fearing his whole life." "Or I'll give your brother the incurable disease he's been fearing his whole life." "It's called "bullet-in-the-brain-ititis"." " That's not a real disease..." " Shut up!" "Dad, please, drop the gun - it's over!" "Do it, Crowe!" "Or I'll turn your son into obsidian!" "Don't worry" " I'm not gonna hurt you." "DAD!" "YOU SHOT ME!" "Oh, why don't you have a little cry about it?" "Like that time you got stung by a wasp." "Oh, why don't you have a little cry about it?" "Like that time you got stung by a wasp." "ERRRRR, so embarrassing!" "Listen up, Andi." "I'm gonna give you to the count of five to drop that spacegun, or you're gonna be combing fragments of your brother's skull out of your armpits!" "Elliot." "Can you hear me?" "If you can, stick out your tongue." "ONE!" "Elliot?" "Elliot!" "Think something!" "Oh, I bit my tongue!" "Forget about your stupid tongue!" "We have to move at the exact same time for this to wo" "Wait!" "I got another call." "Let me put you on hold." "ELLIOT!" " TWO!" " Hello, who's this?" "Andi!" "If you keep him distracted long enough, I think I can get to the other spacegun." "Andi!" "If you keep him distracted long enough, I think I can get to the other spacegun." "It's not Andi, Dad, it's Elliot." "BUGGER!" "I dialled the wrong brain." "Guess I'm a little rusty at this." "THREE!" "Elliot, where the hell are you?" "OK I'm back." "Thanks for waiting." "Elliot, quick!" "Do the Falsetto Stiletto!" "I have no idea what that means." "FOUR!" "Kick him in the sperm bank, and then hit the din." "No problem!" " What dirt?" " Oh my-!" "You know what?" "I should just let you die." "It'd be like putting down a rabid dog." "FIVE!" "I... don't... have..." "RABIES!" "Goodbye, Crowe." "Aw, that's my finger..." "It's not a party... without a balloon." "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "Did you see that?" "Booyah!" "And I could see it, all in my mind..." "And I could hear you!" "You did so well..." "Everyone thought it made me blow up..." "I'm so proud of you!" "We..." "We did it!" "We did it!" "Oh thank god!" "Andi," "You killed my father." "I'm sorry?" "Thank you!" "Maybe one day I can return the favour." "That's not necessary." "Oh my god!" "John!" "Is he gonna be OK?" "Are you kidding?" "Six bullets in the chest?" "!" "He's gonna be fine." "Hi, John." "Get me... to a hospital!" "Get me... to a hospital!" "You don't need a hospital!" "You just need some caramel frosting and a piece of pineapple." "Oh my god!" "Do you think it's gonna be OK?" "The part that matters will be." "Um..." "Everybody?" "Um..." "Everybody?" "You saved my life." "I am indebted to you." "Unfortunately, we still must obliterate your planet." "Aw, come on!" "We just saved your life, you stupid cow!" "We just saved your life, you stupid cow!" "Well... if you put it like that," "I suppose we can come to some sort of compromise." "Thank you." "We shall only destroy your country... and nowhere else." "Why do you need to destroy anything?" "Why don't you just call it a day and go home?" "We're a proud species, Camilla." "And misunderstanding or no misunderstanding, our race has been insulted." "And having just a single mass of land destroyed is an uncharacteristically small price to pay." "Am I right, Commander?" "Yes." "Now please go stand over there." "My guards may still need to shoot you in a moment." "Roger that." "Wait a minute." "A single mass of land?" "Can it be any mass of land?" "Wait a minute." "A single mass of land?" "Can it be any mass of land?" "I suppose it could." "Anywhere in the world." "As long as it's visible from space, I don't see why not." "So in order to return home, with your pride intact, you just need to destroy a single, isolated land mass that's visible from space?" "That is correct." "Tasmania has been wiped off the face of the Earth." "The rumours that have been circulating for the past three days have finally been proven." "As these satellite images confirm, the island of the arse-end of Oz is no more." "As these satellite images confirm, the island of the arse-end of Oz is no more." "Don't you think it was a little... unpatriotic of us?" "It's not really pan of Australia." "Why exactly the alien visitors felt compelled to vaporise this small, mountainous state at the bottom of the world is anyone's guess." "But what is even more baffling is the two-kilometre-high message they left in its wake." "But what is even more baffling is the two-kilometre-high message they left in its wake." "Uranus must be like the Tasmania of planets." "To Tassie." "To Tassie." " Taking one for the team." " Hey hey!" "Who wants a slice of chocolate banana pizza?" "Good for what ails ya!" "Oh, everyone, everyone!" "Out of the way." "This is my dad." "He's an alien." ""Alien"!" ""Alien"!" ""Alien"!" "Only in private, people!" "Only in private." "Ooh!" "Your dad... is so cool." " Can I borrow him for a couple of days?" " Absolutely!" "But enough about Tasmania." "It's time to introduce you to the small band of heroes..." " Oh!" "This is us!" "Everybody, shut up!" " who averted disaster for the majority of the nation." " Oh!" "This is us!" "Everybody, shut up!" " who averted disaster for the majority of the nation." "27-year-old Andrea Gibson, whose band, Titanium Turtle, has just released their first album, "Music From Uranus"," "Yes!" "Which has already sold a record number of copies online." "I'll admit - having a half-alien in the band is extraordinarily awesome." "I told ya." "Her brother Elliot Gibson, who has now begun teaching self-help courses at schools all around Brisbane." "It was then that I realised, that the negative feelings in my head were affecting me more than the whipworms in my colon!" "Nice one, bro!" "Hi." "I'm Naomi." "I was at your seminar yesterday and I just wanted to say thank you - you've changed my entire life." "Uh... it was my pleasure." "Cousin to the Gibsons, Keith Flynn, seen here in an advertisement for his new martial arts program," "E. T. Kwon Do." "Fighting humans is for sissies!" "I'm Keith "Cheap Shot" Flynn, winner of six consecutive titles, and I'm gonna show you how to bring down one of these suckers using my new signature move:" "The Throat Scrote!" "Booyah!" "I'm gonna get another drink." "Who wants a refill?" "John Brown, flutist for Titanium Turtle, who, unfortunately, was unavailable for comment at the time of this recording." "Hey yeah, where is John?" "Not sure." "I think he said he was running late." "Hey, guys." "Did you hear something?" "And finally, Camilla Weir, whose documentary on the alien attack, featuring personally-filmed footage of the event, has become an overnight sensation." "Yeah, go Cam!" "No more filming gigs for me, guys." "Next stop, Hollywood." "And now as part of our exclusive report, we'll show you some amazing footage" " from the small group of Australians" " Shhhh!" "This is it!" "Who successfully negotiated the ceasefire between the alien invaders and our great southern land." "Pssst!" "She's cute, bro." "Just don't blow it." "Thanks, sis, but, uh..." "I think I got this." "We're rolling..." "Uh... camera goes here." "And now... step one:" "The removing... of the pants." "# When people think about the land Oz #" "# They never think about the full stop #" "# And on your company logo Pm a no-show #" "# A click in Photoshop, and I get the chop #" "# But I guess, I guess I dig the isolation #" "I And I guess, I guess I feel that way because #" "# I broke away, hey, yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah #" "# From the mainland of Oz #" "# I'm separated, yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah #" "# From the mainland of Oz #" "# Some people cross the sea to see my thylacines #" "# But let me give it to you Bass Strait #" "# You know the last one died in 1936 #" "# So I'm sorry there, mate" " I think you might be too late #" "# But I guess, I guess that nothing fives forever #" "# We" I hope, I hope I make it on my own #" "# I broke away, hey, yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah #" "# From the mainland of Oz #" "# I'm separated, yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah #" "# From the mainland of Oz #" "# Oh, I'm not coming back #" "# (You heard me) #" "# Yeah, I'm never coming back #" "# (Plus, it's geologically impossible) #" "# These people living on my island paradise' #" "# They never want to leave my cold shores #" "# Cos I've got mountains, rivers, lakes and clear blue skies #" "# And if we hadn't split up, it could have been yours #" "# So I don't know why I'm feeling so excluded #" "# We" I guess, I guess it's just the state I'm in # r (Yeah!" ") #" "# I broke away, hey, yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah #" "# From the mainland of Oz' #" "# I'm separated, yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah-heh-yeah I" "# From the mainland of O' #" "(Mainland of Oz, y'all)" "Hey Dad, have you seen John?"