"Yuck !" "Too ripe." "Nope, this one doesn't look good either." "Nope." "This one has a worm in it." "Mine !" "You eat worms ?" "What else would you do with them " "Use them for bait ?" "Brian, time for dinner." "Okay." "You coming ?" "No, go ahead." "Your mother won't let me eat worms in the house." "Enjoy.Thanks." "There's no worm in this !" "Oh, howdy, raquel." "[Scream]" "[Scream] [scream]" "**" "Red alert !" "Alien coming through !" "Why was alf running ?" "Occupied !" "I'm sorry." "Alf knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he ?" "I hope so." "Alf." "Alf !" "Alf, what's going on ?" "[ Doorbell ]" "Get the front door." "It may be self-Evident." "Kate, willie !" "It was horrifying, simply horrifying !" "It had a long ..." "and two big ..." "Please don't do this." "She's imagining things." "I'm not !" "There's a monster loose in the neighborhood." "A monster ?" "Are you going to form an angry mob ?" "I saw it in your back yard." "I could swear i've seen it once before." "What did this monster look like ?" "Uh, like bigfoot -- Only little." "It ran behind your garage." "It might still be there." "Maybe we should go have a look." "Good !" "But you go first." "Raquel, i'm sure there's nothing out there." "Fine !" "You just tell that to it !" "Will you tell it that i would like to speak to him." "Big foot ?" "She's one to talk." "I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats." "It was right over here !" "See.It was eating the avocados." "How considerate, to have taken a single bite out of every one." "Look at this bite pattern -- 4 teeth." "That is not human." "Your mother had 4 teeth." "Bad example." "Maybe it was a dog." "It knew my name !" "Maybe " " It was a neighborhood dog." "Raquel, you know how the mind" "Plays terrible tricks on a person." "I bet it was that extra garlic on your pizza this morning." "You had the pizza." "[ Whispers ] i'm just trying to cover for you." "I don't need that !" "I am telling the truth." "Fine !" "You saw little bigfoot." "I'm out of it." "Well, it looked like a little bigfoot." "Maybe it was one of those wrinkly dogs from china." "They're always being mistaken for something else." "No, this was different." "It looked like something from" "Another world." "The soap opera ?" "No, it was a creature from outer space." "Willie, you went to college." "Tell her there's no such thing as spacemen." "Well," "I can't say that for sure." "It is possible that there are beings from other worlds" "That could come to visit us someday," "And stay " "In fact, overstay " "And not once offer to pay for their own food ..." "So i hear." "I give up." "You're all nuts." "Come on, raquel." "We're going home." "No, it may be dangerous." "We must warn the alien taskforce." "They didn't believe you before." "Why do you think they'll believe you now ?" "Fine !" "I'll have to warn everybody myself." "Yoo hoo !" "Mr. Litwak !" "Raquel !" "Raquel !" "Yoo hoo !" "You don't think they'll believe her, do you ?" "The litwaks believe dick clark is 23 years old." "Could you stop pacing ?" "I pace when i'm bored." "I've been under house arrest for almost a month." "It's been 2 days." "Then why did i carve 30 notches on your banister ?" "Because you're a vandal." "I found a picture of alf." "Let me see." "Be on the lookout for this" "Hideous looking space creature ?" "Well, if that isn't a case of the orbit guard calling the cat rancher a hairball !" "They're on telephone poles." "This is terrible." "You're right !" "That picture looks nothing like me." "If my ears were that big, i could pick up hbo." "We've got to do something." "Brian, go to all the telephone poles and erase the ears." "I repeat -- Erase the ears." "Okay.I'll make the nose bigger, too." "[Brian loudly] hi, mr." "Ochmonek." "[Mr. Ochmonek] where's your dad ?" "[Brian yelling] he's in the garage all by himself." "[Mr. Ochmonek] thanks a lot." "See you later." "Hide." "No.It's time i took a stand." "It is a far, far better thing i do ..." "[Knock at door]" "I'll be far, far under the workbench." "Hey, trevor, what's up ?" "Raquel's driving me nuts." "She made a sculpture of the creature out of mashed potatoes." "That is pretty bizarre." "Watch it !" "That's my wife you're talking about." "I'm sorry." "She's just got a wild imagination." "She used to think you guys took a sip of our milk every morning." "She's making us the laughing stock of the neighborhood." "I hate to say it " "I think she's wacko." "Trevor." "Dumpling." "The "lenny scott show" just called." "Lenny wants to interview me on tonight's program." "Not lenny scott !" "Who's he ?" "He has a talk show" "With kooks and wierdos on." "He ridicules them -- Then makes fun of them." "It doesn't matter -- I'm telling the truth." "I'm sorry." "I just hate to see you blabbing this all over the city." "The truth must be told." "Finally, someone wants me to tell it." "Not me." "Me, either." "Raquel !" "I'm on my knees." "Don't do this !" "The name ochmonek always stood for class." "You were reincarnated 57 times ?" "I see -- You're trying to break shirley mclain's record." "Is raquel on yet ?" "Lenny's still talking to the fat lady." "So, you were lady godiva in a former life." "Your horse must have loved that !" "Poor alf." "After tonight," "Thousands of people will be looking for him." "I hope they don't take alf away." "You hope they don't take alf away." "You're eating popcorn at a time like this ?" "We're out of potato chips." "Besides, i always snack" "When i'm going to be exposed on tv." "There she is." "Our next guest is raquel ouch-My-Neck." "[Audience laughs]" "Thank you." "It's pronounced ochmonek." "I'll just call you raquel." "So, what's your story, raquel ?" "The other day" "I saw this in my neighbor's back yard." "[Audience laughs]" "You saw a pile of mashed potatoes ?" "It's me -- Only lumpier." "This is a model of the space creature i saw." "Must be from the planet spud." "[Audience laughs]" "Look who just dropped in !" "It's mr." "Cuckoo." "He's chosen you for his mate." "Are you calling me cuckoo ?" "Are you calling her cuckoo ?" "Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo." "[Audience] cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo" "You're right !" "He is mean." "I'm leaving." "Where ?" "I'm going on a hunger strike in protest." "1st, i'll strike the cake." "Then, i'm going to dive bomb the cheese log." "The creature took a bite of that avocado, see ?" "It's the invasion of the guacamole snatchers !" "Are you making fun of me ?" "Let's take our 1st caller." "Howdy." "[Caller] howdy, yourself." "I want to say -- Mrs. Ochmonek knows what she's talking about." "They're coming out of the woodwork tonight." "Aliens do exist." "They've visited this planet many times," "Although they don't drink the water." "That voice " "It sounds so familiar." "Folks, i'd like to report a ufo " "An unidentified flaky object." "I couldn't help noticing your hair." "Is that a toupee, or did you sprout polyester ?" "It's alf." "Hello ?" "He hung up on me." "What ever possessed you to do such a thing ?" "Somebody had to defend mrs." "Ochmonek's honor." "Don't you realize what a chance you were taking ?" "Things were getting out of hand." "I just wanted to be the voice of reason." "You missed it, alf -- They just voted you cuckoo of the week." "Again ?" "Where's lizard taking you ?" "To a science fiction movie " "About this guy being shrunk," "Then injected into someone else." "That's not science fiction." "A friend of mine did that once." "He took a wrong turn and got stuck in the guy's nose." "I didn't tell you how he got out." "We don't want to know." "Hi, dad." "Hi, honey." "Hi, honey." "What's the good word ?" "The good word is " "It looks like you're safe." "Trevor's taking down all the posters." "Heat's off ?" "I'll be at the beach." "I've got sunblock." "You're staying here." "What's the bad word ?" "Raquel." "I feel just terrible for her." "She's so affected by this that she won't talk to anyone." "She just sits by the tv, staring at the screen." "How's trevor ?" "Not well." "He said he wanted to go for a long walk," "To search through his feelings," "And possibly bowl a few games." "Can't we do something for her ?" "I'll go have a talk with her." "Real smart, spaceman." "I have to do something." "The woman's a turnip because of me." "It's true -- She thinks she's lost her mind." "But i do exist." "I shed, therefore i am." "What should we do ?" "Talk to her;" "be patient " "Convince her that she didn't see an alien." "Let's face it." "I'm unforgettable." "Okay -- The alf broadcasting company is on the air." "Greetings, earth woman." "Raquel, can you hear me ?" "What's going on ?" "Take it easy." "I'm the alien you saw." "You remember me -- Mr. Potato head ?" "He's everywhere." "Wait, spacemen don't exist." "Everyone knows that." "We do exist." "I'm doing this to show you " "You're still running on all 3 cylinders." "Please don't do this to me." "I've just begun to resume a normal life." "Normal ?" "Sitting around in your bathrobe all day ?" "Where are you ?" "I'm out in space " "Deep, deep space." "Millions of light years from earth." "Oh !" "A meteor shower !" "[Raquel] what do you want ?" "I want you to regain your faith and imagination " "Your girlish love of life." "And i want you to take art lessons." "What are you doing ?" "Do not adjust your set !" "We are having technical difficulties." "You'll only make things worse." "Au contraire." "I'm trying to help." "Just give me a chance." "Who are you talking to ?" "My crew." "Get back, you lackeys." "Lackeys ?" "If she sees you, it'll ruin everything." "We're back." "Where did you go ?" "Listen to me !" "This is very important !" "[Music]" "There are many things in this universe" "You are not meant to understand." "That doesn't mean they're not real." "I'm real." "And whether other people believe you or not," "You know i'm real." "Thank you." "[Music off]" "Let me ask you something " "Why are you wearing all those utensils ?" "That's one of the things you're not supposed to understand." "Here's another one " "Set a couple of pumpkin pies" "Out on your back porch" "Once a week." "Never question why they disappear." "Uh, twice a week !" "All right, i will." "Good girl !" "I notice you don't have a cat." "Remedy that !" "Now, i must go." "Live long and prosper." "May the force be with you." "Phone home." "Go ahead and make my day." "And don't forget those pies !" "Bye !" "Thank you !" "Thank you, whoever you are." "Trevor." "Alf." "I know." "I did it again." "But i shouldn't have done it." "I thought first and spoke later." "No, i spoke first and thought later." "What you did was " "You did a pretty nice thing for raquel." "You did." "We're proud of you." "Yeah ?" "I'm something, huh." "Maybe i should get a nobel peace prize." "Wouldn't that look nice on the mantel ?" "We might not have room for your cuckoo of the week award." "Right." "Forget it." "Gin." "What do you have ?" "39." "You owe me $57,000." "Settle for a kiss ?" "No." "[Knock at door]" "Hey, tanner." "Come on in, trevor." "Did you see anyone take some pumpkin pies from our back porch ?" "No." "How's raquel ?" "She claims the spaceman called her on the tv," "And told her to take art lessons." "Call that normal ?" "At least she's happy." "That's good news." "Sorry about those pies." "We're going out to dinner, anyway." "Want me to bring you back a corn dog ?" "No, thanks." "See you later." "Alf !" "Did somebody mention corn dogs ?" "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles, ca" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."