"( theme music playing )" " Hyacinth:" "CHARGE!" " WHAT?" "CHARGE, RICHARD, CHARGE." "WHAT IS IT?" "HAS IT BEEN CHARGED?" "OH, WHAT HAS SHERIDAN BEEN UP TO NOW?" "NO, NO, NO, DEAR." "MY NEW MOBILE PHONE." "IS IT ON CHARGE?" "OH, YES." "I PUT IT ON CHARGE LAST NIGHT." "WELL, PLEASE GO AND CHECK, DEAR." "I SHALL NEED IT WITH ME ALL DAY" "WHILE I'M DIRECTING THE REHEARSAL." "OH." "I HATE..." "HISTORICAL PAGEANTS." " HMM?" "KINGCHARLES?" "BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME AND I SHALL BE QUEEN." "NOW WHY DOESN'T THAT SURPRISE ME?" "DO MAKE SURE IT'S FULLY CHARGED, RICHARD." "THE ONLY BATTERIES RUNNING DOWN ROUND HERE" "ARE MINE." "( ringing )" "YEA, GODS, THAT MUST BE URGENT." "PROBABLY SOME POOR DEVIL DESPERATELY IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE." "VICARAGE." "CORRECTION, IT'S NOT URGENT, IT'S JUST IRRITATING." "IT'S THE BUCKET WOMAN!" "WHAT DOES SHE WANT AT THIS HOUR?" "FIND OUT." "HELLO, MRS. BUCKET-- "BOUQUET"?" "I'M SORRY, MY HUSBAND'S JUST BEEN CALLED AWAY." "YOU'LL BE AT THE CHURCH HALL ALL DAY..." "DIRECTING THE REHEARSALS FOR THE PAGEANT." " THE PAGEANT." " OH!" "OH, YES, I REMEMBER." "I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'D EVER HAVE GOT THIS PAGEANT" "OFF THE GROUND WITHOUT YOU, MRS. "BOUQUET."" "IN FACT, I DON'T THINK WE'D EVEN HAVE THOUGHT" "ABOUT A PAGEANT WITHOUT YOU, MRS. "BOUQUET."" "YES, OF COURSE WE'LL POP IN LATER" "TO SEE HOW THE REHEARSAL'S GOING." " NO, NO." " YOU'LL HAVE TO GO." "SHOW SOME INTEREST." "OH, THAT'S NICE." "YES, I'LL WRITE THAT DOWN." "PENCIL." "YES, I'VE GOT THAT." "THANK YOU, MRS. "BOUQUET."" "YES, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER." "THANK YOU FOR CALLING." "WHAT DID SHE WANT?" "TO LET US KNOW WE CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH HER ANY TIME OF DAY." "OH, WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF." "TO THINK, WE CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH HER ANY TIME OF THE DAY." "DOESN'T SHE REALIZE THE TRICK IS" "NOT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HER ANY TIME OF THE DAY?" " WHAT WERE YOU WRITING DOWN?" " THE NUMBER OF HER NEW MOBILE PHONE." "OH, GOOD HEAVENS, SHE'S MOBILE NOW." "THE BUCKET WOMAN FULLY MOBILE." "SHE'S GOING TO BE AN EPIDEMIC-- AND THERE'S NO CURE." "WELL, WHY DID YOU LET HER TAKE CHARGE OF THE PAGEANT?" "I THOUGHT EMMET WAS DOING IT." "UNTIL SHE CAME ALONG, I THINK EMMET THOUGHT EMMET WAS DOING IT." "TAKE IT THROUGH TO THE CHANGING ROOMS, DEAR," "AND DO BE CAREFUL WITH MY CROWN." "IN THE MIDDLE OF A CIVIL WAR," "WOULD THE QUEEN BE WEARING HER CROWN?" "IT'S A QUESTION OF MORALE, RICHARD" "KEEPING UP THE PEOPLE'S SPIRITS." "( grunts )" "I EXPECT THE PEASANTS LOVE TO SEE ME WEARING MY CROWN." "OH." "( laughs )" "YOU FOLLOW RICHARD THROUGH, DEAR," "AND TELL ALL OUR VOLUNTEERS" " I'LL BE WITH THEM IN A MINUTE..." " THANK YOU." "OH, HA-HA!" "...AS SOON AS I'VE MADE A CALL ON MY MOBILE PHONE." "I DID TELL YOU I'M NOW ON A MOBILE PHONE," " DID I, ELIZABETH?" " YES, HYACINTH." "SEVERAL TIMES." "I LIKE MY FRIENDS TO HAVE MY NUMBER." "HYACINTH." "OH, DEAR EMMET." "WHAT A TOWER OF STRENGTH YOU ARE." "I SHALL BE SURPRISED IF YOU DON'T END UP" "AS ONE OF THE QUEEN'S FAVORITES." "PERHAPS YOU'D BEGIN BY GETTING OUR VOLUNTEERS" " INTO SOME KIND OF ORDER." " ALPHABETICAL OR MONASTIC?" "HOW DROLL YOU ARE, EMMET." "NO, BEGIN SORTING OUT THE ROUNDHEADS FROM THE CAVALIERS." "THEY CAN PRACTICE THEIR CURTSIES FOR WHEN I ENTER." "THOUGH I SHAN'T BE WEARING MY CROWN JUST YET." "I DON'T WANT TO BLIND THEM WITH ROYALTY TOO SOON." "HELLO?" "THE LOCAL PAPER?" "MMM." "WELL, I WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOUR EDITOR, PLEASE." "HMM?" "TELL HIM THIS IS MRS. HYACINTH "BOUQUET,"" "B-U-C-K-E-T," "CALLING ON HER MOBILE PHONE..." "FROM THE CHURCH HALL," "WHERE SHE IS DIRECTING A REHEARSAL OF THE PAGEANT" "AND WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR PHOTOGRAPHS" "IF HE CARES TO SEND SOMEONE ROUND." "OH, WELL I'M SURE HE'D WISH TO SEND SOMEONE ROUND." "WE ARE, AFTER ALL, RECONSTRUCTING" "ONE OF THE AREA'S MOST IMPORTANT HISTORICAL EVENTS." "ME" "THAT IT IS OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE" "FOR PEOPLE TO BE MADE AWARE OF THEIR LOCAL HISTORY" "ESPECIALLY WITH THE COUNCIL TAX DUE TO GO UP AGAIN." "HOWEVER, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL HIM" "IF HE WISHES TO SPEAK TO ME" "HE MAY DO SO ON THE NUMBER I SHALL NOW GIVE YOU" "WHICH IS MY PERSONAL MOBILE PHONE" "WITH LAST NUMBER REDIAL AND ONE-TOUCH FACILITY." "HELLO?" "HELLO?" "!" "HELLO?" "OH, THAT'S FUNNY." "MUST HAVE CLASHED WITH A BANNER HEADLINE." "( loud tango music playing )" "IF YOUR ROSE IS IN LOVE WITH A SPANIARD" "SHE'S DONE SPAIN," "SHE'S ON CENTRAL EUROPE NOW." "WHAT'S SHE GETTING ROMANTIC FOR AT THIS TIME OF THE MORNING?" "IT'S NOT LIKE OUR ROSE." "SHE'S NOT USUALLY UP THIS EARLY." "MAYBE SHE'S JUST COME IN." "MAYBE SHE THINKS IT'S STILL LAST NIGHT MUSIC." "ROSE, WILL YOU TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN?" "!" "OH, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S FATHER." "HE'S TAKING DANCING LESSONS FROM A MR. CRABTREE." "YOUR FATHER'S DANCING WITH A MR. CRABTREE?" "!" "TO" NOOTHERLOVEHAVEI."" "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE HIS PILLS." "I SHOULD DO IT FAIRLY QUICKLY." "THAT'S BETTER." "PEOPLE'LL SEE IT THERE." "OH, UP A BIT WITH THAT, DEAR." " HOW FAR?" " NO, THAT'S TOO FAR." "I KNEW IT WOULD BE TOO FAR." "I WOULD'VE BET MY HEADLESS HAT ON IT." "RIGHT." "HYACINTH, ABOUT THOSE VOLUNTEERS" "OH, SORT THEM INTO TWO GROUPS:" "GRACEFUL ONES FOR CAVALIERS," "CLUMSY ONES FOR ROUNDHEADS." "I'M AFRAID THERE'S A BIT OF A PROBLEM, HYACINTH." "THERE ALWAYS IS, DEAR." "IT'S PROBABLY THOSE CLUMSY ROUNDHEADS." "I SHALL BE IN IN A MOMENT TO ORGANIZE THEM PERSONALLY." "IN THE MEANTIME, TRY TO KEEP THEM QUIET." "OH, THEY'RE QUIET." "THEY'RE VERY QUIET." "WAS THAT MY MOBILE PHONE?" "RICHARD, DID YOU HEAR MY MOBILE PHONE?" "YOU KEEP ASKING ME THAT AND I KEEP SAYING" ""NO, I CAN'T SAY I DID HEAR YOUR MOBILE PHONE."" "I'M SURE I HEARD MY MOBILE PHONE." "NO, NO, PERHAPS NOT." "I DO HOPE YOU MADE SURE" "IT WAS FULLY CHARGED, DEAR." "OH, COME ALONG, RICHARD." "LEAVE THOSE CHURCH NOTICES." "WE HAVE TO GO AND ORGANIZE OUR VOLUNTEERS." "COME ON, DEAR." "COME ON." "DOOR, DEAR." "NOW THEN, ALL YOU VOLUNTEERS," "GRACEFUL ONES ON THE LEFT, POUCHY PEOPLE ON THE RIGHT." "WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?" "WHERE HAVE MY VOLUNTEERS GONE?" "WELL, DON'T ASK ME, I'M NOT GUILTY." "WHERE HAS ELIZABETH TAKEN MY VOLUNTEERS?" "HYACINTH, THAT'S THE PROBLEM," "I HAVEN'T TAKEN THEM ANYWHERE." "THERE'S NO ONE TO TAKE." "BUT WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?" "WELL, I DON'T THINK THEY'VE GONE." "I THINK THEY NEVER CAME." "THAT'S VERY PECULIAR." "DIDN'T THEY KNOW I'D BE HERE?" "YES, I THINK THEY KNEW YOU'D BE HERE." "on piano )" "EMMET!" "playing )" "( both shouting )" " ANY MORE BREAKFAST?" " HAVE WE ANY MORE?" "THERE'S ANOTHER CAN IN THE FRIDGE." "OH!" "( television turns off )" "DO YOU THINK YOUR FATHER OUGHT TO BE DANCING WITH A MR. CRABTREE?" "HE FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM, DIDN'T HE?" "( television turns on )" "( snarling )" "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE NOT HERE." "I MADE A POINT OF ASKING THEM" "PERSONALLY TO VOLUNTEER." "HOW VERY SPORTING OF YOU TO GIVE THEM" "ADVANCED WARNING LIKE THAT." "HELLO, MRS. DAVIE," "YES, I'M CALLING YOU ON MY MOBILE PHONE," "IT'S HYACINTH "BOUQUET" HERE" "HELLO?" "HELLO?" "MUST BE A BAD CONNECTION." "I'LL TRY ANOTHER NUMBER." "I CANNOT UNDERSTAND" "WHY THEY'RE ALL NOT HERE." "THEY CAN'T HAVE CONFUSED THE DATE." "I MADE IT VERY CLEAR." "MRS. GILBY?" "I'M CALLING YOU ON MY MOBILE PHONE." "IT'S HYACINTH "BOUQUET" HERE-- HELLO?" "HELLO?" "HELLO?" "THAT'S STRANGE." "I'M SORRY, NO LUCK." "NONE OF THEM CAN COME." " WHYEVER NOT, DEAR?" " WELL, THEY ALL HAVE REASONS" "VERY INVENTIVE REASONS." "DID YOU SEE MRS. DRUMMOND?" "WHY CAN'T SHE COME?" "HER MOTHER IS ILL," "MRS. LOMAX'S GRANDMOTHER IS ILL," "AND MRS. DUFFIELD'S GREAT-GRANDMOTHER IS ILL." "OHHHH." "I 'MSORRY,HYACINTH," "IT'S FATHER'S DANCING LESSON." "HE WANTS TO BE READY FOR HIS HOLIDAY IN SPAIN." "YOU WANT WHAT?" "YOU WANT ONSLOW TO BE A ROUNDHEAD..." "IN THE CIVIL WAR?" "WILL THERE BE ANY DANGER?" "I DON'T WANT HIM IN THE THICK OF ANY FIGHTING." "NO, I DON'T JUST WANT ONSLOW," "I WANT ALL OF YOU-- EVERYBODY." "MMM." "I NEED VOLUNTEERS." "MY OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T TURN UP." "WELL, EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE ILL." "THERE'S AN EPIDEMIC DOING THINGS TO GRANDMOTHERS" "YOU JUST WOULDN'T BELIEVE." "SO, SEE HOW MANY YOU CAN BRING, WILL YOU DAISY?" "MY ROUNDHEAD AND CAVALIER WAR'S IN JEOPARDY." "I'M GOING TO PHONE VIOLET." " ARE YOU SURE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, HYACINTH?" " HOW DO YOU MEAN, DEAR?" "WELL, WHEN I SPOKE TO VIOLET YESTERDAY," "SHE AND BRUCE WERE HAVING A WAR OF THEIR OWN." "OH, I EXPECT THEY'VE PATCHED THAT UP NOW." "ONE OF THEM WILL HAVE SURRENDERED." "NOW, HURRY UP, WILL YOU, DAISY?" "I NEED TO HAVE EVERYTHING SHIPSHAPE BEFORE THE VICAR ARRIVES." "GOODBYE." "THESE CREASES AREN'T COMING OUT." "WELL, IS YOUR IRON HOT ENOUGH?" "( screams ) YES!" "WELL, IS IT THE RIGHT TEMPERATURE FOR THE FABRIC?" "HAVE YOU GOT IT ON THE RIGHT SETTING?" "OH, YOU'RE ON MAN-MADE FIBERS." "IT DOESN'T SAY ROUNDHEADS OR CAVALIERS." "SOMETIMES I THINK ROBINSON CRUSOE MUST HAVE BEEN A WOMAN." "COME ON, GET ON WITH IT." "RICHARD'S DOING IT." ""RICHARD'S DOING IT."" " RICHARD CAN MANAGE ANYTHING." " I WOULDN'T SAY THAT." "SOMETIMES WHEN I WATCH YOU AND HYACINTH, TOGETHER," "I THINK TO MYSELF, "RICHARD COULD MANAGE ANYTHING."" "WELL, I SUPPOSE I AM FAIRLY ADAPTABLE." "BUT THEN, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A GOOD INCENTIVE." "THAT'SIT ." "YOU KNOW, LIZ, WHEN I GOT DIVORCED," "I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD." "BUT SINCE THEN," "I'VE LEARNED THAT THERE'S SOMETHING WORSE THAN BEING DIVORCED." " WHAT'S THAT?" " NOT BEING DIVORCED." "NOW, RICHARD, I MAY NOT HAVE HAD" "MUCH LUCK WITH MY VOLUNTEERS," "BUT FORTUNATELY THE FAMILY ARE RALLYING ROUND." "VIOLET AND BRUCE ARE ON THEIR WAY" "AND I'VE CALLED DAISY" "SO IT'S ALL HANDS ON DECK." "WHICH MEANS, RICHARD," "THAT ONSLOW'S COMING." " YOU'VE INVITED ONSLOW?" " IT IS AN EMERGENCY." "WELL, IT MUST BE." "NOW, I WANT YOU TO WAIT INSIDE THE ENTRANCE" "AND GRAB HIM AS SOON AS HE ARRIVES." "I WANT ONSLOW IN COSTUME" "AS SOON AS HE WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR." "ONSLOW AS A ROUNDHEAD I CAN COPE WITH." "ONSLOW AS ONSLOW I DON'T CARE TO THINK ABOUT." "YOU'LL MAKE A GREAT ROUNDHEAD." "ONLY PROMISE TO BE CAREFUL." "I WOULD'VE LIKED A CHOICE." "I WOULD'VE LIKED SOMEBODY TO SAY," ""ONSLOW, DO YOU FANCY ROUNDHEAD" "OR DO YOU FANCY CAVALIER?"" "CAVALIER." "YOU'D MAKE A GREAT CAVALIER." " YOU JUST THINK I'M GREAT." " I DO!" "I DO!" "I TAKE YOUR POINT." "HOW DO I LOOK?" "HOW DO I LOOK?" "I DON'T THINK THEY'LL HAVE" "ANY SUITABLE PARTS FOR A DRESS LIKE THAT." "OH." "I'LL CHANGE!" "I'LL CHANGE!" " ARE WE TAKING FATHER?" " SHE SAID "BRING EVERYBODY."" "WHAT ABOUT MR. CRABTREE?" "SHE SAID, "BRING EVERYBODY."" "OHHH!" "FATHER, YOU ARE GOING" "AND BRING MR. CRABTREE." "YOU WILL BE CAREFUL BEING A ROUNDHEAD AND EVERYTHING?" "!" "DAISE, WE'RE ONLY ACTING CIVIL WAR." "WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY DOING CIVIL WAR." "I HATE YOU GOING TO WAR!" "JUST COME BACK TO ME, ONSLOW." "OH, DAISE!" "DAISE, KNOCK IT OFF!" "( loud tango music begins plays )" "OH, THERE ISN'T TIME FOR THAT NOW!" "( music stops, loud knocking )" "I THOUGHT I HEARD A CAR." "NOW, IF IT'S ONSLOW, GRAB HIM STRAIGHTAWAY" "AND PUT HIM INTO COSTUME." "OH, IT'S A MERCEDES." "A MERCEDES?" "!" "IT'S VIOLET AND BRUCE!" "GO AND FETCH ELIZABETH AND EMMET, WILL YOU, DEAR?" "HAVE THEY MET MY SISTER WITH THE MERCEDES," "SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY?" "SEVERAL TIMES." "WELL, FETCH THEM ANYWAY." "IT'S TIME THEY RENEWED THE ACQUAINTANCE." "MRS. PARTRIDGE," "THIS IS HYACINTH "BOUQUET" SPEAKING." "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE PAGEANT?" "REALLY?" "OH." "OH, I AM SORRY YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S ILL." "HELLO?" "HELLO?" "OH, THERE YOU ARE." "JUST IN TIME" "TO SAY HELLO TO VIOLET AND BRUCE." "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!" "OH, COME BACK TO ME, VIOLET!" "THINK ABOUT THE SCANDAL, THE CHILDREN, THE ALIMONY!" "( chuckles )" "WE CAN CATCH THEM LATER." "OFF YOU GO!" "BACK TO YOUR IRONING." "YO KNOW I LOVE YOU." "DEEP DOWN I KNOW I LOVE YOU." "I CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO LOVE YOU." "SUCH A DEVOTED COUPLE." "I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS MARRIED." "WELL, YOU KNOW NOW!" "THE SWINE TOLD ME HE WAS DIVORCED." "HE WAS DIVORCED, THEN HE MARRIED ME!" "SLOW LEARNER." " THE SWINE!" " I KNOW HE'S A SWINE, BUT HE'S MY SWINE!" " YOU CAN KEEP HIM!" " OH, I SEE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW, IS HE?" "SOUNDS LIKE A PILLOCK TO ME." " LOOK, IF I CATCH YOU" " EXCUSE ME!" "WE'VE GOT TO GO." "COULD YOU POSTPONE THIS FIGHT TILL LATER?" " I HAVEN'T FINISHED WITH HER YET." " SEE, I'M NOT" "COME WITH US!" "YOU CAN FINISH IT ON THE WAY." "WE'VE GOT TO GO TO A PAGEANT!" "BUT I'M NOT DRESSED FOR GOING ANYWHERE SPECIAL." "YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN." " ( screaming )" " YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT!" "WHOA!" "HOW ATTIRED DID YOU HAVE TO BE FOR A CIVIL WAR?" "IF I NEED YOU, WHERE WILL YOU BE?" "BEYOND HUMAN RECALL, VISITING THE FAR CORNERS OF MY PARISH." "WHERE EXACTLY?" "ZIMBABWE IF I CAN MANAGE IT." "IT'S NO GOOD." "YOU CAN'T AVOID IT." "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL IN" "AND CAST YOUR EYE OVER THE REHEARSALS FOR THE PAGEANT." "CAN'T YOU GO?" "YOU COULD GO, IT'D BE A CHANGE FOR YOU." "I'LL COME WITH YOU." "AND THAT'S BRAVERY BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY." "BUT IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY." "YOU'LL HAVE TO BE THERE." "THE WOMAN'S IMPOSSIBLE AS A BUCKET," "IMAGINE WHAT SHE'S GOING TO BE LIKE AS A QUEEN." "IT SEEMS SUCH A SHAME IT WAS THE POOR OLD KING" "THAT LOST HIS HEAD." ""AND WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE GREAT CIVIL WAR, DADDY?"" ""I IRONED, SON." "I IRONED FOR HYACINTH."" "AND REMARKABLY WELL, TOO." "I CAN MAKE USE OF THOSE PIANIST FINGERS OF YOURS IN THE FUTURE." "I'M STRENGTHENING THESE FINGERS" "FOR A NOBLE PURPOSE." "ONE DAY, THEY'RE GOING TO BE WRAPPED ROUND THE THROAT" "OF A CERTAIN PARTY." "YOU KNOW, SHE'S A GREAT FAN OF YOURS." " ( groans )" " YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, VIOLET!" " GET LOST!" " YOU KNOW I'D DO ANYTHING TO STOP YOU DIVORCING ME..." "AND GOING OFF WITH HALF OUR PROPERTY." "HAVE YOU SEEN MY SISTER VIOLET?" " THEY'VE JUST GONE THROUGH." " RAPIDLY." "POOR BRUCE." "WITH ALL HIS BUSINESS INTERESTS," "HE NEVER HAS A MOMENT." "HE'S ALWAYS ON THE MOVE." "HE WAS CERTAINLY ON THE MOVE WHEN THEY PASSED THROUGH HERE." "I THINK HE MUST'VE HEARD YOU COMING, HYACINTH." "DOESN'T EMMET IRON BEAUTIFULLY?" "OH, OF COURSE HE DOES." "HE HAS SUCH MUSICAL FINGERS." "NOW, EMMET." "( car backfires )" "I DID." "I HEARD A CAR." "NOW DON'T FORGET, RICHARD." "GRAB ONSLOW AS SOON AS HE WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR." "HE'S NOT USUALLY WEARING MUCH YOU CAN GRAB." "EXACTLY." "SO WHISK HIM AWAY AND GET HIM INTO COSTUME." "AND HE'S NOT EXACTLY BUILT FOR WHISKING." "OH, BE FIRM, RICHARD." "REMEMBER YOU'RE THE KING." "( tango music plays )" "DADDY?" "HE'S ALWAYS HAD A WEAKNESS FOR BRASSY TARTS!" "TRIPPED UP WITH YOU THEN, DIDN'T HE?" "HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN GOING ON FOR?" "I'D LIKE TO KNOW." "MR. MOODY AND I ARE BARELY ACQUAINTED." "I'VE SEEN HIM COMING IN AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING" ""BARELY ACQUAINTED."" "ROSE?" "HE NEEDN'T HAVE BEEN RETURNING FROM ME, YOU KNOW." "I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON AVAILABLE AT THAT TIME IN THE MORNING." "DAISY, WHO IS THAT PERSON YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU?" "IT'S JUST A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF ROSE." "YOU SAID BRING EVERYBODY." "ONSLOW, YOU HAVEN'T SHAVED." "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED TO THE RAVAGES OF WAR." "GO WITH RICHARD." "TRY YOUR COSTUME." "I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY TAKES IT FOR GRANTED" "THAT ONSLOW IS A ROUNDHEAD." "YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A CAVALIER TO ME." " I HOPE WE'VE GOT A BALDRIC YOUR SIZE." " YEAH." "NOTHING WORSE THAN A SKIMPY BALDRIC." "( tango music plays )" "OH, I DO HOPE DADDY DOESN'T" "OVEREXTEND HIMSELF IN THE TANGO." "YES, SIR, WHAT CAN WE--?" "GIVE US A COUPLE OF FOUR-PACKS, LOVE." "HELP ME THROUGH THE TRIALS AHEAD." "YES, SIR, CERTAINLY." "RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE HANG OF THE LIGHTING." "WELL, YEAH, I THINK SO." "IT'S NOT A QUESTION, LIZ, IT'S AN ORDER." "YOU'VE GOT THE HANG OF THE LIGHTING." " NEXT THING IS THE CURTAIN." " OH NO, PLEASE." "OH, NO, NO." "NOT THE CURTAIN, AS WELL." "IT'S NOT DIFFICULT, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO" "IS PULL ON THE ROPE-- THE END ONE." "AS WELL AS THE LIGHTING." "I SUPPOSE IN MY SPARE TIME, I SHOULD BE OUT THERE SELLING ICE CREAMS." "DON'T GET SMART WITH ME, SISTER, DEAR." "WE'RE ALL HERE AT THE BECK AND CALL" "OF SOMETHING THAT IS LARGER THAN ALL OF US." "THERE'S A DESTINY THAT SHAPES OUR END" "AND AT THIS MOMENT, IT'S GETTING DRESSED AS A QUEEN!" "RICHARD, HOW DO I LOOK?" "FINE, FINE." "FINE?" "SHOULDN'T THAT BE MAJESTIC?" "OH, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT." "MAJESTIC." "MERCIFULLY, I'VE INVITED A SECOND" "AND MORE PROFESSIONAL OPINION." "WHAT IS IT, HYACINTH?" "I'M TRYING TO GET THE STAGE ARRANGEMENTS FINISHED." "OH, DEAR EMMET, I WANT YOUR OPINION ON MY DRESS AS QUEEN." "IS IT REGAL DO YOU THINK?" "IT'S SUGGESTIVE." " SUGGESTIVE?" " EXACTLY." "AND THAT IS WHAT'S WRONG, YOU SEE, HYACINTH." "SHE WAS FRENCH, YOU KNOW." "THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND, FRENCH?" "MMM." "HER NAME WAS HENRIETTA MARIA." "SHE MARRIED CHARLES ON THE 1st OF MAY, 1625," "IN PARIS, BY PROXY, AND THEN SUBSEQUENTLY AT CANTERBURY ON THE 13th OF JUNE." "OH, YES, OF COURSE." "I MUST HAVE GOT IT MIXED UP WITH CHARLES II." "POSSIBLY." "OH, IT'S ALL VERY CONFUSING, ISN'T IT?" "BECAUSE HE MARRIED ANOTHER HENRIETTA," "KATHERINE HENRIETTA OF REGANZA, 21st OF MAY, 1662." "THAT'S RIGHT." "AND SHE WAS THE ENGLISH ONE." "NO, SHE WAS THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING OF PORTUGAL." "THEY GOT MARRIED AT PORTSMOUTH." "3:00 P.M. ON A WEDNESDAY" "AND IT WAS RAINING." "OH, DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD." "OH, A MUSICIAN AND A HISTORIAN, EMMET." "WELL, ACTUALLY I HAVE BEEN DOING A BIT OF RESEARCH." "I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT THESE THINGS BE ACCURATE." "MY FEELINGS PRECISELY." "RIGHT, CHARLES I'S QUEEN WAS FRENCH." "I'LL BEAR THAT IN MIND." "AND MOST HISTORIANS GENERALLY AGREE" "THAT SHE WAS QUITE A PROVOCATIVE LADY." " PROVOCATIVE?" " APPARENTLY." "SO I THINK YOUR COSTUME OUGHT TO BE A LITTLE MORE" "VOUS NE PENSEZ PAS..." " ( "French" jibberish )" "OH, CHEER UP." "JUST SMILE NICELY AND IT WILL SOON BE OVER." "I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE BEEN IN THE REAL CIVIL WAR." "( tango music plays )" "IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A CIVIL WAR TUNE." "GET YOUR BODY HOME, WOMAN!" "LET'S HAVE LESS OF THIS NONSENSE!" "WHEN I DO GET YOU HOME, YOU'RE GOING ACROSS MY KNEE." "YOU TRY IT AND I'LL HIT YOU WHERE I HIT YOU LAST TIME." "LOUT!" "HUH, I THINK THE DIALOGUE'S A BIG FORCEFUL, DON'T YOU?" "ANYTIME YOU WANT HIM BACK, JUST SAY THE WORD." "I DON'T NEED YOUR WORD TO GET MY HUSBAND BACK." "YOU SHOULD KEEP HIM AT HOME." "THEN HE WOULDN'T GET INTO ANY TROUBLE." "HE WAS AT HOME UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG" "SHOWING YOUR LEGS AND YOUR..." "ACCESSORIES!" "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS DIALOGUE." "HELLO, ON STAGE?" "...OH HELLO, VICAR." "WE'RE JUST GETTING READY FOR THE ENTRANCE OF THE QUEEN." "READY." "RICHARD," "WHO WROTE THE DIALOGUE FOR THIS PIECE?" "I THINK HYACINTH DID MOST OF IT." "IT'S REALLY QUITE STRONG." "OH, GOOD." "SHE WILL BE PLEASED." "WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?" "NOW, CAN WE HAVE THE LIGHTS UP, PLEASE?" "AND THE FANFARE FOR THE ENTRANCE OF THE QUEEN?" "YES, YES, JUST A MINUTE." "THAT ONE TO" " THERE." "THAT ONE RIGHT THE WAY UP." "FANFARE." "FANFARE." "FANFARE!" "( trumpets play )" "( French accent ) WHERE IS MY HUSBAND," "THE KING?" "THAT'S IT!" "I'VE SEEN ENOUGH!" "FINISHED!" "QUITE UNSUITABLE!" " CURTAIN!" "CURTAIN!" " CURTAIN?" "CURTAIN." "YES, THE END ONE." "THAT'S RIGHT." "OH!" "HYACINTH?" "HYACINTH?" "IS SHE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?" "OH, RICHARD," "IF I'M GOING TO DIE..." "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE." "PLEASE MAKE SURE ONSLOW WEARS A TIE AT THE FUNERAL." "IT WAS JUST A BUMP ON THE HEAD, MRS. BUCKET." "TELL GOD "IT'S BOUQUET."" "( theme music playing )"