"Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back." "So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots." "Now you've got your condemnation..." "Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!" "Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?" "Is revolution a word, or was it never?" "Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth." "Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water!" "I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found." "This green and pleasant land in ancient times..." "Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!" "It's not theirs any more." "This is our England now." "Paaaarty!" "ALARM BEEPS" "I blame all those fat, short-haired, hairy bints who took a match to their bras in the 60s." "It's them feminists we've got to thank for the way society looks down on anyone who stays at home looking after the house and kids." "People just don't see our true value." "We work 24 hours a day, seven days a week for no pay or holidays." "What we do isn't seen as work." "You're only valued if you're actually bringing in money." "Don't even get so much as a thank you." "I just wish those mardy-arsed lezzas had kept their saggy, old tits in their Double Ds!" "You want to get to bed a bit earlier." "Morning." "I'll come back." "No, you won't." "Sit your arse down." "You had breakfast?" "Just some toast." "Bung a few eggs in the pan for Carl." "What've we got on today?" "I need you to pull in all outstanding debts." "Cash flow problem." "And shift that lot." "And you're going to help." "I need you back on the rounds now Shane's doing his own thing." "Your little holiday's over." "It's time you started pulling your weight again." "And what about Cilla?" "She sleeps most of the day." "You'll be fine." "There you go." "And for you." "Noooooooo!" "They are full of salt!" "♪ Bridal Chorus" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "I thought you were having your hair done." "She's off sick." "What the hell are you doing in my dress?" "Just giving it an airing." "Besides, you've no need for it any longer." "What do you mean?" "He's not exactly rushing to set a new date." "I reckon he's just stringing you along." "Just take it off." "You need to stop this ridiculous daydreaming." "It's no daydream." "You think I'm going to spend the rest of my days sleeping in the corner of a bloody living room?" "Just where do you think you're going to bag yourself a man?" "South Manchester Befrienders, we're listening." "Not a problem, you can ring us any time." "Bye-bye." "Yes, course you can." "'It'll be my second baby.'" "And how old are you?" "'I'm 18 next week.'" "PHONE RINGS" "Hello.'Hello?" "'I don't think I can carry on...'" "'Aye, and I'll be 60 next week.'" "That sounds like you have a lot on your plate." "Why don't we meet up and you can tell me more about it." "(MAN SCREAMS)" "Look, it's always better to talk about your problems face to face." "Oh, I live near there." "Why don't we continue this conversation over a cuppa?" "When's tea?" "I'll do it when I've finished reading this." "Look, you're three weeks behind on your payments." "Look, I know you're in there." "I can hear your telly." "Shit!" "Get here, you..." "I'll get you!" "You should go from happy hour to happy day." "Are we getting married?" "Libby, love..." "Everyone got pissed, there was a fight - It's as good as a wedding." "But we weren't blessed." "I've been blessed twice before, it really doesn't help." "It's not going to make any difference, is it?" "I already see you as me missus." "Karen, can I have another pint?" "What do you..." "You serious?" "That's all you took?" "Well, it's been a bit difficult, you know, with Cilla and that." "When your dad was inside, I ran the business and looked after the lot of you when you were kids." "You stuck us in the library all day." "Yeah." "We can't survive on what we've got coming in." "Sort it." "I am." "I'm trying to think of ways that I can earn money and be at home with Cilla at the same time, but..." "What you doing?" "Avril's opened my eyes up to the wonder of the interweb." "We're branching out." "Selling worn knickers." "It bleeding stinks!" "How'd you get it to smell like actual piss?" "It is actual piss." "I had to go and buy this because I kept missing the bloody hole." "Do you know what?" "I could do with making a few bob off the internet." "You want to get into kids things, seem to really sell well." "Sex -now that's something that you'll always earn money from." "Credit cards." "Find a way of getting hold of people's details and you're onto a winner." "That thing can come down." "What?" "You said I'd have blood on my hands if I didn't put it up." "Make your mind up." "I've handed in my notice." "Waste of bloody time." "Not been as fulfilling as you'd hoped?" "You could say that." "Maybe I've been a little hasty." "Put it back!" "Hey, you haven't paid for that!" "What the fuck you doing!" "You're no better than a rapist." "Encouraging men to objectify women." "Hear, hear!" "What's your problem?" "Some little scrote's been mouthing off, going on at me to show him my tits." "He can get in the queue." "Might've guessed you'd be supportive and understanding." "You can't just shove 'em out whenever it suits you." "What?" "You're always giving blokes the come-on when you're after something." "No, I'm not!" "So, do I get any discount?" "That's just me being friendly." "I'm looking for investment in my internet venture." "In return, I'm prepared to offer 10% equity in the new business." "The type of ground-breaking website I'm proposing has very low expenditure for extremely high returns." "It has the potential to produce a constant revenue stream and I project gross profits of 200,000 over a three-year period." "So, onto our target market." "Kiddie fiddlers." "I propose to launch a child porn website that won't actually contain any sick pictures." "The home page will lure our consumer to subscribe to what they think will be jack-off heaven." "But while they're waiting for the site to download, we'll be ripping their credit card details." "And by the time they've discovered it's a scam, we'll have run up the largest bill that the nonces have ever seen." "And we'll actually be doing society a favour, because the website will act as a deterrent." "You know, make them nervous about subscribing to other pervy sites." "So, any questions?" "Yeah, just one major problem." "You forgot to mention it's totally illegal and that you could get sent down if someone grassed." "Who's going to admit they've joined a child porn website?" "I'm in!" "Loosen your tie a bit more." "He could do with looking younger." "Right, get up there." "What you doing?" "Don't worry, you'll be able to afford 20 new pairs." "Finished!" "I now pronounce this website open for business!" "Yes!" "What's going on?" "We're going live!" "Come and have a look!" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Should've stuck a bag on his head." "Sod this, I'm off to bed." "COMPUTER DINGS" "Yes!" "You mean, there's a perv there now, at the other end?" "I'm going to find you and blow your balls off, you sick fucker!" "Grrr!" "Quick!" "Transfer the money into our account." "What we going to buy?" "!" "Book us a week in Alicante!" "Ha-ha!" "(MOUTHS)" "Whoa!" "'Kin' hell!" "What you trying to do to me, woman?" "Oh." "Must've bobbed off." "What the hell you doing in that box?" "What the hell you doing in that box?" "Checking what size it is." "I'm flogging 'em." "Earn 50 quid for every one I shift." "How the hell are you going to find enough people on the cusp of death?" "Oh." "PHONE RINGS" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Give it." "G..." "Bastard." "The helpline are diverting calls here." "I don't want to lose any business." "Yes." "I am sorry to hear about your husband." "I expect you're thinking of following him to the other side." "We can flog all this lot, and I've transferred a stack of money." "Become a right little Richard Branson, hasn't he?" "Nice one, Micky." "It needs to be manned 24/7, though, so I've drawn up a little rota." "Erm." "There y'are." "I've got school." "Well, do you want to miss out on any business?" "I thought we could set up a few more sites." "Stick this on, I'll take some pics." "We can do this one next." "No way." "There y'are." "Not forgetting you." "What's this?" "!" "Your cut." "You taking me for a mug?" "What's your problem?" "I want the same as yous lot." "Well, you're not a Maguire." "It's my photos that've been pulling them in." "Yeah, but it was my idea in the first place." "Well, find someone else to stick this on." "Fine." "You're sacked." "You can't sack me!" "I'm a business partner." "Employee." "Probably for the best." "Getting a bit too old for this game." "Why don't you take a picture?" "Knobheads." "The youth of today." "So charming." "Is that little prick still gobbing off?" "No, it's all sorted." "Do you fancy walking me to the bus?" "Yeah, sure." "Do you want to go out one night?" "Just you and me." "Yeah, sure." "When you free?" "What?" "To go out." "Out where?" "Who's he?" "He's not the one who's been mouthing off, is he?" "He looks about ten!" "Why are you making such a big deal about it?" "That's why you wanted me to walk you." "Carl!" "Hey, love!" "Show us yer tits!" "Oh, there you are." "Can you lend us a...?" "Got them for our honeymoon." "Ohh!" "Stick 'em on, then." "Like what you see?" "And I can make these go faster than helicopter blades." "Well, you going to stick them on, or what?" "On our wedding night or your funeral." "Whichever comes first." "Oh, come on, Lib." "You can't do this to a man!" "You know what you've got to do." "What are you looking for?" "This." "Just got to knock one out." "Why don't you try that one?" "The solid walnut." "If you don't want your family to know you're a penniless alcoholic." "'Kin' hell!" "PHONE RINGS" "South Manchester Befrienders." "Can't we stick her on powder?" "This contraption's ripping the bleeding nipples off me." "No!" "It's been proven - kids raised on breast milk are higher achievers." "Still raking it in?" "No-one's subscribed for ages now." "Pervs must be tipping each other off." "KNOCK ON DOOR" "Hi." "I'm really..." "I'm sorry to bother you, Micky, but you're my last resort." "I'm really desperate." "Would you be a gent and loan me the use of your TV and lounge for five minutes?" "Yeah, yeah." "Just passing that knob I was telling you about." "Telling 'em what?" "That we're about to take you to the cleaners." "Laters." "Set up a website with my mates from school." "Micky..." "Pictures on there of all of us." "They can't get enough of it." "Yeah, yeah." "The world's gone bloody mad." "Never thought I'd live to see the day a pair of poofs could mince down the aisle together." "'They've no shame.'" "I've heard they even use penis-shaped confetti." "'I'm better off out of it.'" "Time to shift on to the next life." "Let's hope that place isn't taken over by bloody Poles." "So, you're contemplating suicide?" "No." "In the middle of actually doing it." "Well, have you ever given your funeral any thought?" "You must be Trevor." "I didn't realise you were a cripple, or whatever word it is I'm meant to use these days." "Cripple's fine." "Political correctness has been this country's downfall." "A woman after me own heart." "Just had a three-mile bus journey sat next to some window-licker." "I don't know why we did away with asylums." "My thoughts exactly." "Used to be a cracking day out." "Would you like to try the pine first?" "Stylish, yet affordable." "Shoes!" "Oh." "How does it feel?" "The lining's making me itch." "You'll be dead, you daft bugger." "Which is the most expensive?" "The less that thieving Government get of mine when I'm gone, the better." "That'll be the mahogany." "So..." "live here alone?" "No!" "Oh." "Share with my daughter, and the rabble she got herself involved with." "No, er, husband?" "God, no!" "Ah." "Once bitten..." "Which one would you like to be buried in?" "Well..." "I guess the mahogany." "Oozes class." "We must celebrate." "Where's the stepladders?" "Oh, my God - look at that!" "No way, look." "Here's one of me in Blackpool." "Who'd have thought you'd grow up to be such a hunk?" "Ah, check out our Jamie with his dodgy hair!" "Perfect." "Give it here." "Those pubic hair-dodgers won't be able to resist you." "Who's idea was that?" "Who's idea was that?" "Um..." "Mine." "Fucking genius!" "No, you don't!" "Trevor." "I assumed he was a burglar." "See why I don't want my daughter to marry him?" "Needs a bloody good haircut." "Scruffy bugger." "What's she doing with him?" "Oh, scared of being alone." "Aren't we all?" "I suppose." "If you've got the opportunity to be with someone, you should grab it with both hands." "We're supposed to be celebrating your purchase." "Ah." "Here's to being six feet under." "Oh, it hasn't stopped." "They're mad for us." "It's obviously me that's pulling 'em in, innit?" "Look - cute as fuck." "Nah, I reckon it's me they're after." "I mean, who could resist that little smile?" "I'm getting trading standards onto you." "Do you mind knocking?" "Those photos are ancient." "You're a load of fat cunts now." "I am not fat!" "You nicked all my business." "And?" "Bollocks!" "Morning." "Oh!" "Couldn't wait to see you." "How did you get in?" "Kitchen window was open." "How long've you been there?" "Since three." "Couldn't sleep." "Fancy a morning out?" "Well..." "Ooh.." "♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head" "♪ Just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed" "♪ Nothing seems to fit" "♪ Those raindrops are falling on my head" "♪ They keep falling" "♪ So I just did me some talking to the sun" "♪ And I said I didn't like the way he got things done" "♪ Sleeping on the job" "♪ Those raindrops are falling on my head" "♪ They keep falling" "♪ But there's one thing I know" "♪ The blues they send to meet me won't... ♪" "It's so nice to have someone to do things with." "Usually I have to bride... bribe, people to push me places." "We're a long time dead." "We should be living life to the full....taking risks." "There's no need for either of us ever to be lonely again." "Would you do me the honour of... ..dying with me." "What?" "!" "A suicide pact." "It's perfect." "If we let nature take its course, one of us will be left on this earth alone for months, maybe even years." "Killing ourselves at the same time guarantees we leave exactly the same time." "I'm not ready to die." "Oh, I don't mean now, we'll get married first." "You want to marry me?" "Of course." "Do you want to marry me?" "Yes." "Good, I've been in touch with the registry office, they've got a cancellation." "This afternoon." "This afternoon?" "!" "Isn't..." "Isn't it a bit quick?" "Why delay something that's inevitable." "I knew I wanted you to be my wife the moment I set eyes on you." "Hiya." "Show us yer tits!" "Didn't know it was Halloween." "It's to stop guys just seeing me as an instrument for their sexual pleasure." "It's working." "What's he done now?" "He just doesn't seem that bothered about getting married." "What man is?" "They know that's when the blow jobs are going to stop." "Aren't you going to congratulate us." "Married!" "I'm moving in to Trevor's." "You're not pregnant are you?" "All a bit quick in't it?" "What would you like dear?" "Dubonnet." "Dubonnet and a lemonade please." "OK." "He's railroaded you into this, hasn't he?" "Yes." "And I'm glad he did." "I haven't felt this alive in years." "It's ridiculous." "You're just jealous." "I've found a man who actually wants to commit." "Congratulations!" "Who would've thought your own mum would beat you down the aisle." "♪ Change my pitch up Smack my bitch up..." "What are you doing, you fucking fat lesbian?" "♪ Change my pitch up Smack my bitch up..." "Oh, shit, what are you fucking doing?" "Oh!" "♪ Change my pitch up Smack my bitch up" "Get off me!" "Come here, you..." "BANGING AT DOOR" "PC World!" "Laptop, took it to be repaired." "Police Constable World." "What's going on?" "!" "You're all under arrest for manufacturing and distributing child pornography." "I better start packing." "I think we're forgetting something." "We need to consummate the marriage." "(GASPS)" "You can't keep us locked up any longer!" "Got a young baby I need to feed." "I think they can see that." "Your udders need a wipe." "Why the fuck didn't you delete everything first!" "?" "I couldn't, it wouldn't turn on." "D'you even realise the shit you've got us in?" "!" "Everything'll be fine." "We're being done for kiddie porn." "D'you know how long we could get?" "!" "I won't be around to see my little princess growing up." "They'll soon realise there's no sick pictures on there." "I've had to leave Carl in charge." "He'll cope, good head on his shoulders." "Micky, he's a Gallagher." "We'll lose the business." "And the house." "And Cilla." "What?" "Well, they're bound to get social services involved." "Look, all I wanted was to make sure I was around for Cilla." "I'm not having her playing second fiddle to the business like us lot did." "Me and your dad were always there for you." "You might've been there physically." "I wrote a story for school once, I was dead proud of it." "You said you'd read it once you'd done the cashing up." "I sat there all night waiting for you to finish." "You were too busy in the morning." "I had to hand it in that day." "Well, I'm going to read every single story Cilla writes." "I'm going to make sure she has a good future." "I don't want her turning out like me." "Now, they've got nothing on us, and we'll be walking out of here in no time." "Show us yer tits!" "Ha!" "Nice!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "My leg!" "What the fuck are you dreaming about?" "Can't remember." "What's happening?" "Child pornography charges have been dropped." "I fucking told you!" "We've been charged with fraud." "What you doing?" "I thought a solicitor might help, being as I'm about to be sent down till my pubes have turned grey!" "The hearing's this afternoon!" "Hello?" "Ah..." "Ah, morning." "Well, morning." "You OK?" "Still a little shell shocked." "Libby's father left me with nothing, even took the rent money." "I told myself I'd never trust another man as long as I lived." "Glad you did." "You're the first man to hold me since he legged it." "I've realised...." "I've just existed these past 40 years." "(FARTS)" "This is fascinating." "It's all about that ancient Mayan calendar." "They reckon it ends on the 21st December 2012." "Apparently, the sun will rise to a unique point and that'll be the end of the world." "In that case we don't have to worry about our livers then, do we?" "Look who I found asleep in the garden shed." "He didn't even notice you weren't at home?" "I could pack my bags and leave, he wouldn't notice." "Ohh..." "Glass of water please, Karen." "We're off." "Ah, thank you." "Oi, look after her." "Oh, yeah, I will." "In case you miss us." "You shouldn't have." "Are you all right?" "PHONE RINGS" "Bye then." "See you in a bit, Patty." "Yeah." "Right, thanks." "They've arrived at court." "I should be there." "I'll cover." "Make up for trashing the place last night." "Karen, your family need you." "Carl." "Nah, no way." "It's in your job description." "Er..." "Carl?" "I could give you a hand, love." "No, thanks." "I don't want all the stock going missing." "Libby Croker, will you marry me?" "Oh, get up, Frank." "You're only saying it because I've been nagging you all week." "No!" "I'm saying it because I want you to be me wife." "Then why don't you do anything about it?" "I wanted it to be a surprise." "What?" "Have you planned the wedding?" "Oi, anyone serving or what?" "John, John." "We're having a private conversation." "Do you mind?" "So what do you say?" "Yes!" "When is it?" "They reckon it ends on the 21st December 2012." "22nd of December. 2012." "That's ages away." "Yeah, but gives us a chance to save up for a decent honeymoon." "Abroad, like." "I want to do it properly this time." "Now, let me assist the future Mrs Gallagher in the distribution of alcoholic beverages." "No, you're all right." "I can cope." "Libby, Libby..." "You're going to be me wife." "We're a team." "A partnership." "We need to start as we mean to go on." "Do you, erm, want a drink?" "Nah, I'm all right." "I owe you an apology." "You were right." "I was overreacting." "Do you want me to have a word with the prick?" "It's OK, it's all sorted." "I reckon he's learnt his lesson." "Oi." "Show us yer tits!" "Aaaaah!" "Aaah shit!" "You bitch!" "And what do the defence have to say?" "Your honour!" "My family and I have become the victims in all of this." "The finger of guilt was immediately pointed." "We're completely innocent." "You'd have to be fuckin' Rambo to touch up any of the kids round here." "I'm sorry." "Apologies for blaspheming, your honour." "But the country's gone mad." "Kiddie fiddling's become a national obsession." "I couldn't even take a photograph of me mate's little nephew as a shepherd in his nativity play." "I mean, what are people scared of?" "That some pervert will get a stiffy looking at him with a tea towel shoved on his head?" "Don't get me wrong" " I want to see proper paedos strung up." "You know, the ones who get stuck in before there's grass on the pitch." "But well, you can't always be 100% sure they're legal, can you?" "Anyway, most 15-year-olds enjoy a good shafting." "The hormones are raging." "We targeted nonces in an effort to ensure that they wouldn't have money left for sweets or puppies, or whatever they use to get their end away." "But when they barged in our home yesterday, we were thrown into a nightmare." "We're the heroes in all of this, not the villains." "Thank you." "Case dismissed." "Who's a clever boy then, Mickey?" "Wrong date on warrant." "Improper police paperwork." "This is the living room." "Aha." "Do you watch Corrie?" "Of course." "Good." "Could've been the shortest marriage in history." "There." "I'd better unpack." "Ah, that can wait." "I've a little surprise." "I suppose you could call it a wedding present." "This one's for you." "The mahogany." "I bought mine years ago." "Well, I...!" "I'm not going to pass those things every time I come in." "You can shift them in the spare room." "No need for that." "Go on." "Surprise me." "I didn't realise you..." "Am I not enough to live for?" "Oh, Patty." "I thought you'd change your mind once we were married." "I thought you'd want to be with me." "Oh, believe me, I do!" "That's why I still want you to come with me." "We could have a good life!" "You only feel like this because you've been on your own so long." "Once you have people round you, people who need you, everything changes." "Patty!" "I've been ringing your helpline for years." "I know, I know!" "It's only a matter of time." "Yes, but not today." "Your daughter has her own life now." "You wouldn't want to die alone in some grotty nursing home." "No, but..." "Come with me, Patty." "Today." "You OK?" "Just see it as going away on our honeymoon...that will last eternity." "See you on the other side." "Five...four... three... ..two... ..one." "Ahh!" "I'm having a few problems." "Not on the kitchen table, Carl!" "How d'you get that?" "Punter wouldn't pay their instalment." "Which one?" "Walker." "Debbie Walker?" "A woman?" "Where are the babies?" "At the creche." "What bleeding creche?" "What?" "!" "I'm taking you off the rounds, mate." "You've got enough on your plate here." "I'll start helping out with Cilla more." "I'll do her night feeds." "Mondays." "Not on a bingo night." "(MICKEY) 'We all end up with some sort of baggage 'but the thing that determines whether you'll be carting round a 'little Gucci or a fuck-off Samsonite for the rest of your life, 'it's all about how much is invested in you as a nipper." "'I may not be bringing in any actual money... '..but what I do is priceless." "'After all, I'm busy creating the future.'" "When was the last time you slept?" "Last Tuesday." "Oh, for fuck's sake." "One in four people in this country are mentally unstable." "Will I get used to it?" "We'll have that place like a palace by the time we finish." "If your husband's out, I'll come round and sort your pipes out." "He's having an affair." "What?" "!" "I want the pair of yous out my house." "You're not welcome." "This is the devil's work!"