"You know that kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks ?" "Well, that was me." "Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes." "I'm just trying to be a better person." "My name is Earl." "Joy and Darnell had recently learned a few tips on how to fight by watching Dr. Phil on TV." "You are making me feel very angry because my needs aren't being met." "And you are making me feel angry because your needs don't make sense." "Unfortunately, one episode of Dr. Phil couldn't undo years of watching Springer." "Don't be a dummy, damn it ;" "just do what I tell you to." "Throw me a surprise party for my birthday next month." "But you won't be surprised." "I can act surprised." "Look." "Not only was the two of them arguing fun to watch, but it also gave me a chance to do #183 on my list :" ""Never took Joy's side."" "When we were married," "I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers." "12 ball, side pocket." "Okay, do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon." "It was an accident, Joy." "And I think they're real." "Oh, so you're on her side ?" "And I definitely didn't take her side when it came to arguments with family." "Oh, I know you did not just monkey-grab a chip out of that bowl." "That actually takes quite a bit of skill, Joy." "Try to dip one in the salsa." "Oh, so you're on his side ?" "I didn't even take her side in arguments with things that you couldn't argue about." "Dang it !" "I got crab juice in my eye." "That's 'cause you cracked it the wrong way." "You should always crack away from you." "Oh, so you're on the crab's side now ?" "I was, and it was time to make up for it." "I've been waiting my whole life for somebody to throw me a surprise party, and I'm sick of waiting." "This year, I want one." "She's got a good point, Darnell." "You hear that ?" "And that's coming from the husband I left." "You can only imagin what kind of thin ice you're on." "Fine." "I'll throw you a surprise party for your birthday." "I got to take that." "It's about damn time you called me back." "I am in a bind here." "The bind she was talking about was complicated." "It started 'cause Joy was obsessed with some TV show called" "Britney  Kevin :" "Chaotic." "I swear, those two are like American royalty." "Oh, snap !" "Look at that big-ass TV disappear into that entertainment center." "I want to disappear on TV." "Yeah, with a bottle of Cristal sitting on top." "That's how the Federlines roll." "We're going to get us one of those disappearing TV furniture things." "I mean it." "I want it." "So about a week ago," "Joy finally saved up enough money to get that disappearing TV." "But, unfortunately, she ran into a big problem." "I got an idea." "Come on, you got it." "Push." "Come on, it's almost in there." "Push." "I got an idea." "Damn it." "How did Britney and Kevin do it ?" "When Joy went to return it, she ran into yet another problem." "You can't return this." " What ?" " The receipt has gum in it." "I know." "It's Fruit Stripe." "Just pull it off ;" "I'm sure you can still see the disappearing TV furniture thing on there." "The gum took off half the item number." "Sorry." "The system won't take it back without an item number." "What ?" "!" "Uh-uh." "Oh, hell no." "After 45 minutes of arguing and throwing a shoe," "Joy realized she was just gonna have to make the best of her situation." "So much glare out here," "I can't tell if that's the white lady judge or the black lady judge." "Hey !" "Get out of my damn living room !" "Oh, God, please no." "I need a third umbrella." "Hey, maybe we should unplug the cord before..." "Son of a bitch." "I'm leaving it here." "It's yours." "I have returned it." "And somehow or another, I'm gonna get my $3,000 back." " No, you won't." " Yes, I will." "No... you won't." "Yes, I will !" "*Whoo !" "Whoo !" "*" "*Billy Joe shot a man while robbing his castle*" "*Bobby Sue took the money and run Cha-ching.*" "*Whoo-whoo-whoo !" "*" "*Go on, take the money and run*" "*Go on, take the money and run*" "I got my $3,000 !" "*Go on, take the money and run...*" "Joy stashed the truck in the woods until today, when she finally got a call from the one guy in Camden County who would buy anything." "That's too risky." "Too risky ?" "You sold a damn Iranian baby." "Yeah, but it, idn't have "Iranian Baby" painted on the side of it in big letters." "Oh, like they're not going to know he's Iranian once he's old enough to talk." "Look, this is a great deal." "All I want is the $3,000 that they owe me." "Yeah, whatever." "I don't buy stolen trucks from amateurs." "Why not ?" "The same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair :" "they make mistakes." "It was not mistake." "Yeah, well, you better pray I find that earlobe." "He won't find." "Jasper is too much sissy to be a real criminal." "This is why we live in cement closet." "Bring me to this truck." "I will buy with my own money I steal from Jasper." "I like you." "If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face, we could hang out." "This is no truck." "This is giant camper." "Something is fishes." "You are police, I know it." "Oh, calm down." "I just got to pick up the truck keys." "You're so jumpy all of a sudden." "I just don't like surprises." "Surprise !" "What the hell are you doing ?" "!" "Throwing you a surprise birthday party." "My birthday is not until next month." "That's the surprise part." "Idiot." "It was Earl's idea." "Y'all are all idiots." "I think you should go talk to her." "Don't, Dummy !" "Yeah, that's not going to happen." "That lady dropped her purse and some stuff rolled out." "Cool, it's an earlobe." "So you planned all this because of some list thing ?" "#183 : "Never took Joy's side."" "Now, come back in." "We've got a whole piñata full of cigarettes for you to swing at." "I don't feel like it." "Why ?" "You're the one that wanted a party." "Not when it was going to cost me $3,000." "We represent the Lollipop Guild." "The Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop..." "Randy, those aren't helium balloons." "Oh, too bad." "Wait, you stole a truck ?" "Because they wouldn't give me my money back." "It was a crime of principle." "Like when Rosa Parks stole that bus." "They wouldn't even give you a store credit ?" "No." "That doesn't seem fair." "Thank you." "Which is why you have to help me sell the truck." "Sell the truck ?" "Joy, that's against the law." "Earl, this is not about the law ;" "it's about right and wrong." "And isn't that what your list is about ?" "Righting wrongs, do unto others, all that Robin Hood, Batman, Jesus stuff ?" "Well, you've got a good point." "The store did do you wrong." "I don't know if Jesus or Batman would sell the truck, but" "Robin Hood might." "Okay, I'll do it." "But you're not getting a penny more than $3,000." "Of course not." "That would be wrong." "The first thing you have to do with a stolen truck is make sure it can't get traced back to its owner." "Randy was especially excited about this." "Something about the combination of fumes and bright colors made Randy love to spray paint." "In fact, he made a name for himself as one of Camden County's most gifted graffiti artists." "It's perfect, Earl." "Yeah, it really is." "I just don't know if it's a good idea to paint your name in six-foot letters on the side of a stolen truck." "I'm going to go into town and get some more white paint to cover up my name." "Good idea." "If the cops come while I'm gone, tip it on its side." "That's pretty." "I'd probably read more often if people wrote like that all the time." "What's in there, anyway ?" "I don't know." "You haven't even looked yet ?" "No." "I just want my three grand." "I don't really care what's back there." "But there could be $3,000 worth of stuff in here." "TVs, stereos, nunchucks." "It would be a lot easier to sell that stuff than this stolen truck." "Oh." "Wait..." "Wait." "There's a man in there, Joy." "There's a man in the truck." "I know... a hairy one." "Why is there a man in the truck, Joy ?" "I don't know." "Maybe he was in there when you stole it." "Do I look stupid enough to steal a truck with a man in the back of it ?" "Turns out, Joy was that stupid." "Some poor guy was unloading boxes when Joy decided to get her revenge on the store." "After she ran off, he tried to get out, but the door was locked." "Okay !" "You got me." "Let's get back to work now." "Eric ?" "Help... !" "Luckily, this truck was from a store that sold a little bit of everything, so he had plenty to eat and plenty to keep him entertained." "Yes." "Nice." " Help !" "Somebody !" " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Why did I help you ?" "Why ?" "Why ?" "Why ?" "All right, all right, look." "We'll, we'll leave him in the back of the truck," "We'll make an anonymous call so they know where to find him." "I am not leaving this truck." "I still need to sell it." "With a man locked in the back ?" "Don't you think that's gonna be a problem ?" "Yeah, for the person who buys it." "We're not selling a truck with a man in the back." "Look, if we let him out, he's gonna see what we look like." "Maybe not." "We finally figured out a way to release the guy Joy stole." "We just had to stay out of sight." "All right, love," "I want you to listen to me carefully and do everything I say and everything'll be okay." "Why are you talking funny ?" "'Cause I don't want him to identify my voice." "Yeah, but it sounds weird." "It's British." "That's how they sound." "British people don't steal trucks." "They drink tea and live in castles." "You still out there ?" "!" "Uh, I'm here, uh..." "Uh, here's what I want you to do." "I want you to take off your shirt and use it as a blindfold." "You sound like a gay Kermit the Frog." "Okay !" "Blindfold's on !" "Right, then." "Now, when the back door opens, I want you to start running, and don't look back or I'll shoot you." "And, by the way, what you call "soccer", we call "football"." "See, this worked out okay." "Oh, crap, crap, crap." "Why me ?" "Why do bad things always happen to good people ?" "Seems like most of the bad things are happening to this guy." "Look, let's just get out of here before he wakes up." "We can't go, Joy." "What if a wild animal comes along and mauls him while he's out ?" "Just pee a circle around him ;" "that'll keep the animals away." "I'm not gonna pee a circle around him." "What if he wakes up and sees me ?" "So I got to do everything ?" "Look, we're not leaving him." "Help me get him in the back of the truck." "We got to get him to a hospital." "We'll get caught." "No, we won't." "We'll just drop him off and drive away, like people do with babies and grandparents." "So me and Joy put the passed out guy in the back of the truck and headed to the hospital." "You like my earrings ?" "Yeah, I do like those earrings." "I was about to say something earlier, but then I got distracted by the hostage and all." "Where'd you get 'em ?" "Flea market." "You know the guy who sells tube socks ?" "The guy with the regular tube socks, or the guy with the irregular tube socks ?" "Irregular." "Guy with regular went out of business." "Good." "He was a jerk." "Thought his socks made the world go around." "Yeah." "Anyway, I got the earrings from Irregular Tubesock's wife." "They're nice." "Thanks." "One's bigger than the other." "Yeah." "I wasn't going to say anything." "Look, Earl, I know this hasn't been a great day, but I really appreciate you helping me out." "Who knows, maybe one day we'll look back on this as an adventure." "Yeah, maybe so." "Out of gas ?" "Yep." "The plan was for me to walk to a gas station while Joy stayed behind to guard the truck." "Hey, bring me something !" "What ?" "I don't know, something fun." "Surprise me." "But with chocolate and peanuts." "Snickers ?" "Damn it, Earl, I said surprise me." "So, I headed off." "*Well, I've got to run to keep from hiding'*" "*And I'm bound to keep on ridin'...*" "It was four miles of walking, but I got the gas and made it back to the truck." "*...silver dollar." "But I'm not gonna let me catch me, no.*" "*Not gonna let 'em catch the midnight rider...*" "Hey, Earl." "How'd you know where to find us ?" "Well, I went back to the woods and the truck was gone, but I found the note you left." "I didn't leave a note." "I know, Earl ;" "I was being sarcastic." "You should have left a note." "I mean, you don't have to add it to your list or anything, but it would have been nice." "I'm sorry, Randy." "Where's Joy ?" "I don't know, I figured she was with you." "Come here !" "Come here !" "Let me go !" "There she is." " What the hell happened ?" " Well..." "Apparently, Joy was too hungry to wait for me to get back, and she remembered seeing snacks in the truck." "Hello ?" "You still knocked out ?" "Jolly good, then." "Son of a bitch Ferris Bueller'd me." "Hey, Earl, how come we got a guy in his underpants ?" "'Cause he was in the back of the truck and was accidentally kidnapped." "You know how Mom used to say," ""Always wear clean underwears 'cause you never know what's going to happen" ?" "I bet she was talking about stuff like this." "Probably." "Randy." "Can you put him in the truck ?" "What do you hate more, flies or mosquitoes ?" "Why ?" "Just making conversation." "Damn." "Never mind." "Mosquitoes." "Me, too." "You know, they say mosquitoes in Africa kill people." "Can you imagine the size those things got to be ?" "Pretty big." "Randy, where's the guy ?" "I put him in the truck like you said." "I meant the back of the truck." "Drive faster." "He's getting away." "This is great, Earl." "You never drive this fast when I ask you to." "Hey, ask him if we can have bubble gum for dinner." "Would you just hurry up ?" "We got to catch him." "Relax." "He'll run out of gas sooner or la..." "Wait a minute." "What are we gonna do when we catch him ?" "He saw her face I think she has to kill him." "She's not gonna kill him, Randy." "You're not gonna kill him, are you ?" "No, I'm not gonna kill him." "You can cut out his tongue." "He couldn't tell anyone what you look like with no tongue." "Oh, wait." "He could still draw you unless you cut off his fingers, too." "Randy !" "Hey, at least he's thinking." "It's not his fault he's bad at it." "I got it." "We can stab him in the eyes." "We're not stabbing him in the eyes." "Look, I just got to make sure he doesn't squeal on me, so we'll just snatch him up and put him in a little cage in the trailer." "What ?" "Yeah, just till he becomes our friend and promises not to tell." "Joy, we're not putting him in a cage." "Well, what else should we do, Negative Nancy ?" "I don't hear you giving us any ideas." "That's when I got the only decent idea I had all day." "This whole thing had gotten so out of hand that there was only one thing left to do." "What are you doing ?" "Are-Are we out of gas ?" "It's over, Joy." "What do you mean it's over ?" "It's not over." "What are you talking about ?" "What are you doing ?" "You said you were on my side." "Joy didn't realize it, but I was on her side." "She asked me for help selling a stolen truck, but that turned into a kidnapping and assault, and my past experience as a criminal told me it was time to call it off." "Besides, my guess was that that guy was so scared, he probably didn't even get a good look at Joy." "Unfortunately, my guess was wrong." "She was charged with grand theft auto, kidnapping and assault, which would have been my second guess." "Randy, do you think it's my fault Joy went to jail ?" "Randy ?" "Trying to sleep, Earl." "Can't this wait till morning ?" "You woke me up last night to ask if I tought monkeys ever worried about their looks." "Oh yeah, sorry." "Do you think they do ?" "I already told you." "If they're worried about their looks, they'd wear pants." "Yeah." " Good night, Randy." " Good night, Earl."