"Hi, Ma." "What you doing?" "Just looking through the old photo album." " Boy, you were a cute kid." " Yeah, I was sorta cute." " Look, there I am at seven." " An angel." " Here I am at 11." " Adorable." "Oh..." "Look, here I am at 15." "The beginning of the end." " Hi." " How did the auditions go?" "Great!" "You should've tried out, Dorothy." "Everybody was really stinky - you might have gotten a part this year." "Don't be silly." "Dorothy couldn't get a part." "We're doing the award-winning musical Cats." "You have to be agile, graceful and sensual." "You're right, Blanche." "How could I possibly compete with you?" "You've given some of your finest performances in back alleys." "Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark." "Have you been talking to Ed Tyler?" "That man has such a big mouth!" "Which reminds me, I wanna go give him a call." "Oh, God, she's really a character!" "She's also a cheap slut." "(doorbell" " Hi, it's me, Stan." " Oh, who cares!" "Hi, Sophia." "I was listening to the Dodgers on the radio and I got an urge to see a ballgame." "Fine, Stanley." "If you leave now, you can make Dodger Stadium in five days." "Drive carefully." "Wait, Dorothy." "I was thinking about us - good old days, back in Brooklyn." "Ebbets Field." "Remember those warm summer nights, sitting in the bleachers, eating hot dogs, rooting for the Dodgers and kissing passionately between innings?" "Stanley, you never took me to Ebbets Field." " No?" " No!" "Oh." "It must have been one of the guys from work." "Yeah, that's it." " I've heard enough." " You'll have the time of your life." "The time of my life?" "Stan, the last time you said that it took 12 seconds, and I ended up three months' pregnant at my own wedding." "I'll level with you." "I got three tickets to today's game and I can't find anyone to go." " Guess I don't have many friends." " Oh, who are you kidding?" "You don't have any friends." "Ah, I'll go with you, Stan." " Ma, you will?" "!" " I'll be waiting in the car, Stanley." "Dorothy?" "I can't think of anything in the world I would rather do less." " Would you like to go to bed with me?" " Take me out to the ballgame." "(panting) Stanley, these..." "these seats are pretty far from the field." "Yeah." "Dorothy, baseball was meant to be seen from the bleachers, in small, intimate parks with real grass." "If there's anything I hate, it's artificial turf." "That never stopped you from growing it on your head." "Sophia, I'm having too much fun to be bothered by your insults." " Are you comfy, babe?" " Yeah." "This must be my lucky day." "I usually end up sitting next to a fat, sweaty man who insists on taking his shirt off." "What kept you?" " You want a hot dog, babe?" " No, thanks." " How about a sun visor?" " No." " You want a nice cushion for your chair?" " How about cutting the crap, Stanley?" "Why are we here, and what is it you want from me?" "I was gonna wait until we'd sung "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" but I'll tell you now." "I'm having a little business problem." " What's the problem?" " I'm bankrupt. (sobs)" "Dorothy, I just need a few bucks until the end of the month." " Come on, Ma, we're leaving." " Wait." "I gotta see at least one man bat." " (batsman hits ball" " What a hit!" "I got it." "I got it." "I got it!" " Ma, are you all right?" " Fine." "Fine." "Only next time, Salvadore, either we start lower on the bed or remove the headboard." "We rushed right over from rehearsal." " How is she, Dorothy?" " Oh..." "The doctor says she's fine." "She's just a little shaken up." "Right now rest is the best thing for her." " She's a tough old broad." " Yeah." "Well, I knew she'd be OK." "Something similar happened to me back in St. Olaf." "I was injured during a spirited game of gowhackanoggin." "Should I?" "What the heck!" "Rose, what is gowhackanoggin?" "It's a lot like baseball." "Except, instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head." "After ten whacks, if you're still standing, you take first base." "It's usually a very low-scoring game." "Rose, let's go check out the coffee shop - maybe we'll meet some cute doctors." " Hello!" " He's married." "Good-bye." "Those two here for a CAT scan?" "How's the patient?" "Turn off that damn light, I'm trying to sleep!" "Ma!" "Where am I?" "Who am I?" "Why am I so wrinkled?" "Don't be alarmed." "Temporary amnesia is not uncommon." "Sophia?" "It's Stan." "D'you remember me?" "Stan - tall, yutz, head looks like a monkey's behind?" "She's gonna be all right." " How are you feeling, Ma?" " I'm fine." "Let's go home." " Ma!" " Mrs. Petrillo." "I'm Dr. Cauley." " Pleased to meet you." "Well, good-bye." " Mrs. Petrillo." "We'd really like you to stay with us for the next 48 hours." "Please!" "For half the price I could go to Club Med, get a nicer room, better food, and not be forced to pee in a Dixie Cup." "Is there a draft in here?" "Oh, whoa!" "Ma, get back in that bed." "There's nothing wrong with me." "There's no reason for me to stay here." "Medic!" "(shouting)" "Calm down!" "Calm down." "What's wrong?" "These two drive me crazy." "They drink milk off the floor, scratch the furniture, and this one just coughed up a fur ball!" " That was not a fur ball, it was..." " Rose, who cares what it was!" "Now, quit driving Ma crazy." "Dorothy, our director said to prepare for our roles we must become cats." "That's why I've been playing with your ball of yarn and Blanche has been making screeching sounds in her room at night." "You've been practicing for this part for a lifetime, haven't you, Blanche?" "Ma, listen." "The doctor said you are supposed to be in bed." " Oh, I'm fine." " (doorbell" "The hospital told me Sophia was discharged." "Is she here?" "No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet." "Oh, there you are, Sophia." "Are you OK?" "I just spent two days in the hospital naked under a sheet with strange men inspecting my body with cold metal instruments." "Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?" "We need to rehearse some more." " Will you help us, Dorothy?" " Oh, all right." "Maybe we can find an old rug to sharpen our claws on." "How about the one on Stanley's head?" "Sophia, you know, it's been a long time since we've had a talk." "Very good reason for that - I hate talking to you." "What a great sense of humor!" "What if I told you I've come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?" "I'd say you're about 50 years too late on that one!" "I'm talking about a lawsuit." "If we can show that you're severely injured, we can sue the ball club and the ballpark for a lot of money." " I'm not severely injured." " You can fake it." "I have a good doctor friend who will back you up." "I'm appalled." "Shocked." "Disgusted." "How much money are we talking about?" "A couple of hundred thousand at least." "A couple of hundred thousand?" "!" " Where's Ma?" " (Sophia) Down here, paralyzed." "What?" "!" "Sophia!" "Honey!" "Oh, dear!" "Ma, I insist on taking you back to the hospital." " I don't want to go to the hospital." " You ought to at least see a doctor." " Doctor's coming." " What doctor?" " He's a friend of mine." " We're going to the hospital." "This guy is good." "He's probably the most learned, respected neurologist in Florida." "How'd you ever meet a man like that?" "We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest." " I'm calling the hospital." " No, Dorothy, stop." "I really feel like this is all my fault." "That's why I'm getting him - he's the best." " And I'm gonna pay for him." " You, paying for something?" "!" " What are you saying, I'm cheap?" " Of course she is." "You're the only man I know who owns a timeshare dog." "Ma, I'm taking you to the hospital." "No, I want Stan's doctor." "I trust this sweet man." " Mom..." " "Sweet"?" "!" " Ma, you hate Stan." " Not anymore." "Now I love him." "Love, love, love, love this man." "Oh, Ma!" "Now, what the hell is going on?" "Let me tell you something I've never told a soul." "When I was unconscious, hovering between life and death," "I began a journey toward a great white light." "Along the way were all the people who went before me." "I saw my parents." "I saw your father." "I saw the Ritz Brothers." "Believe me, they're much funnier dead." "As I was about to enter the light, a voice boomed," ""Before you can enter the gates of heaven," ""you must patch things up with your ex-son-in-law Stan."" "You see, babe?" "It's all part of the big guy's master plan." "I am but a humble servant." "Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley." "You're a horse's ass." "(doorbell" " Hey, big guy." " Everybody, this is Doctor..." "Jerry." "Dr. Jerry." "It must be great having just one name." "You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name." " Is your last name difficult to spell?" " Yes." "But I'm getting better at it." " This must be our patient." " No, no, Jerry, it's... it's the old paralyzed lady on the couch." "Doctor, I just don't understand." "She was fine this morning." "Ladies, could I ask you, please, for complete silence?" "I thought I heard a radio going next door - I'm trying to catch a baseball score." " Please get on with the examination." " OK." " Open your mouth and say "Aah."" " Aah." " Yep, she's paralyzed." " That's it!" " What?" " Get out." "Out!" "Dorothy..." "Je..." "It won't be easy to get him to come back for another house call." "I cannot believe that you asked this man to examine my mother!" "That's one doctor whose bedside manner I have no interest in." "We definitely need a second opinion." "I wouldn't go to bed with him either, Dorothy." " Ma, I am taking you to the hospital." " No." "Why not?" "Are you trying to tell me that possibly there is nothing wrong with you?" "No." "I feel better just lying here." "The ride in the car could only make me feel worse." "Yeah, sometimes just lying motionless is the best thing a person can do." "That didn't sound right when you said it on our honeymoon, and it doesn't now." "(TV A curve ball right up the middle." "The shortstop should have had it." "Nice going!" "I can cover more ground than you in my wheelchair!" "(car door slams)" "(TV off)" " How're you feeling, Ma?" " No improvement." "I'm sorry." "By the way, you're wearing your knee brace on your neck." "I know Ma is faking." "She is not really paralyzed." "It's only natural for you to feel that way." "At the counseling center we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial." " Rose, I am not in denial." " Yes, you are." "You're just denying you're in denial." "Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial." "If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial." "Look, fluffhead!" "Why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial?" "You are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it!" "Listen, Dorothy, I think your mother's faking, too." "But what if she isn't?" "Just try putting yourself in her position." "Do you know how much it hurts to have someone you love not trust you?" " I sure do." " Rose, I was about to tell a story." " I wanna tell one." " Dorothy?" "Boy, this is a no-win situation." " But go ahead, Blanche." " Fine." "You may never get to hear my story." "Then I'm wrong." "It isn't a no-win situation." "I was still in high school at the time and I was having an affair with a very handsome exchange student named Jean-Pierre Fontainebleau." "I think he was French or something." "He was always sneering and he wore a beret." "We weren't allowed to wear berets in high school." "It was against the St. Olaf dress code." "They did let me wear a paper cap a lot." "It was long and pointy." "More a cone shape than a beret." "Anyway, Jean-Pierre must have known about my reputation for playing the field, because from the beginning he was convinced I couldn't be faithful." "He would spy on me in my classes, he'd follow me home from school." "Some nights he would even shimmy up the oak tree outside my bedroom door, hoping to catch me in the act." "What act?" "Second act of My Fair Lady." "Rose." "Finally, I had to tell him I couldn't take it anymore, and we broke up." "I was completely crushed." "I guess you really liked him." "No, I really liked the American boy he was rooming with, Bobby-Joe Nugent." "We'd been having an affair for months in the one place Jean-Pierre never looked!" "The Eiffel Tower." "Actually, it was in the cutaway Oldsmobile that they kept in the Drivers Ed department at school." "Oh, lordy, the things I did in that car!" "It's a good thing old St. Christopher had his back to me." " There's no doubt about it, she's faking." " Uh-uh." "I didn't learn to do that till I was married." "I meant Ma, Blanche!" "And I'm gonna go prove it right now." "Hiya, Ma." "How're you doing?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, Ma, I feel dizzy!" "Oh, there's a pain going up my arm!" "My chest!" "Ma!" " (doorbell" " Will you answer the door, please?" "Ma, it's my heart!" "My heart!" "Run into the kitchen and get help!" "Who am I, Lassie?" "Next you'll order me into a burning barn!" " (doorbell" " I'm coming!" "Stanley, my favorite ex-son-in-law." "How was the trip to the attorney?" "We've gotta talk." "What's wrong with Dorothy?" "She's faking a heart attack, I think." "Stanley, you're not gonna get away with this." "You're just doing it for the settlement." "What makes you think I'm not doing it out of love?" "Because you are a liar, a cheat and a scuzzball." "Sure, dwell on the negative!" "Major problem - the insurance company won't accept Dr. Jerry's medical report." " Why?" " Something about his prison record." "They insist you be examined by one of their physicians." "This is a real bummer." "We've gotten this far and it's starting to all fall apart." "It's over. (sobbing)" "Stanley..." "Stanley, don't worry." "I'm 82 years old." "My bones are brittle." "My muscles are atrophied." "My circulation is worse than US News  World Report." "There's no physical they can give that Sophia Petrillo can't fail." "Ma, I'll go tell the nurse you're here." " That's a lovely chair." " Oh, thank you." "I'd give anything for an electric wheelchair." "I don't have the strength to push this like I used to." "That's too bad." "If things go well, I'll give you this chair in a couple of weeks." "Oh..." "I wish I had your positive attitude." "The doctors told me it'd be a waste of time." "Doctors!" "What do they know?" "They spend years in medical school, they still don't know enough to warm their hands before they do a breast exam." "Unfortunately, they do know I'll never walk again." "Oh." " Stan, did you hear that?" " Yeah." "Terrible." "You got any gum on you?" "Stan!" "These poor people." "How can we take advantage of this situation?" "Sophia, we've come this far." "Just think about the money." "Think about it so hard that you block out everything else." "Especially him." "Hi, I'm Timmy." "What's your name?" "None of your business." "Leave her alone." "Ma, the nurse wants to know if you'd mind if this little boy goes ahead of you." "No problem." "Oh, no." "You need to see a doctor just as much as me." "I'll wait my turn." "No, kid." "It's your turn." "I don't need to see a doctor." " You were right, Dorothy." "I was faking." " Sophia, I'm shocked." "Dorothy, I had no idea." "I used to think you were the scum of the earth." "I have just downgraded my opinion!" "What I did was wrong." "I feel humiliated in the presence of you courageous people." "I offer you my heartfelt sympathies." "Well, what do you say, everybody?" "Shall we forgive her?" "(murmurs of agreement" "Ma, Stanley, I'd like you to meet some of the actors from the community theater." "They'll be performing Cats next month." " And the kid, is he an actor too?" " Yes." "Maybe you've seen him in the Burger City commercial." "Are you the boy who jumps for joy when you get two burgers for the price of one?" "You stunk!" "Dorothy, let's go home." " Are you ever gonna talk to me again?" " It was a mean, dirty, underhanded trick." "I had no choice." "It was like The Exorcist " "I was battling Stan for your soul." "Well, I'm off to rehearsal." "It's such a nice day, I think I'll walk." "Like that?" "!" "No, I'll probably take longer strides when I get to the sidewalk." "Bye." "I meant her costume." "People are gonna think she's nuts." "They think she's nuts anyway." "This'll confirm it." " (dog barking) - (Rose) Help!" "Help!" "Let me in!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "(screams)" "Rose is in trouble." "It took two guys to pry him off the Steinbergs' plastic flamingos."