"( theme song playing )" "That's it." "Better get a shot of it." "The light's bad." "Still, I'll give it a try." "Watch it!" "Mirror, mirror in my hand, who's the prettiest in the land?" "Mama, you're flipping again." "Oh, I can't help it, sonny." "Just being in town drives me crazy." "Come on, Mama." "( coughs )" "My, my, now, there's a handsome lad in his uniform." "Danke, gnädige Frau." "It's a pity you're not in the service, sonny, and you could wear a uniform." "They wouldn't take me." "And I love war." "I already had my snowshoes for the Russian front." "Oh, Mama, if only I..." "Hush, hush, angel." "He's a little scrambled upstairs." "He's my own flesh and blood, but I have to admit it." "What's going on in there?" "Having a party?" "Little wingding perhaps?" "I think I'll go in and do my imitation of Marlene Dietrich." "Luftwaffe headquarters." "Verboten." "Oh, couldn't Mama go in and rest a little?" "She's very tired." "I'm not a well woman." "I'm as weak as a cat lately." "Nein!" "Verboten." "Raus!" "Not very gemütlich, is he, sonny?" "We're all Nazis together, you know." "Heil Hitler." "Raus!" "A few moments ago, I was a gnädige Frau." "How quickly they change." "HOGAN:" "Hold it." "This all you got?" "The outside of the building?" "Well, that's all we could manage, Colonel." "Yeah, the guard on the door, sir, was a real hard case." "We never had a chance with him." "Not very efficient, gnädige Frau." "Leave off." "It's Luftwaffe Intelligence headquarters." "It's important we get a bug in there." "Yeah, and we can't plant the bug unless we know the layout inside." "SCHULTZ:" "Heraus, everybody!" "Heraus!" "Roll call!" "Everybody outside." "Line up." "LeBEAU:" "All right, all right." "All the prisoners outside." "That means you, too, madame." "Oh, I'm going." "And please be quick about it, madame." ""Madame"?" "They're rehearsing a play, Schultz." "Those two jokers are actors?" "Show him." "( melodramatically ):" "Philip, give me the letter." "I must have the letter, Philip." "What letter?" "Good, huh?" "Terrible." "That's the trouble with this war." "Everybody's a critic." "Heraus, you two!" "All right, we're "rausing."" "Could you unbutton me, please?" "Oh, I'd be glad to." "( grunts )" "Raus, everybody!" "That is the estimate for painting the interior of the new headquarters, sir." "This is labor and materials?" "Yes, General." "A local company." "450 marks and 12 pfennigs." "For painting?" "That's an outrage." "KLINK ( over kettle radio ):" "I agree with you, General Burkhalter." "I wouldn't pay it, if I were you." "BURKHALTER:" "I won't." "I admire your strength in these situations." "But you will." "What?" "You will pay for it... out of the very generous allowance" "Berlin gives you to run Stalag 13." "But, General Burkhalter, that's impossible." "I can barely manage as it is." "You are a Luftwaffe officer." "Yes, sir." "Strange as it may seem at times." "Thank you, sir." "The new Intelligence headquarters is a Luftwaffe operation." "Therefore, it becomes your problem." "But why should that responsibility fall upon me?" "What would you rather have fall upon you-- responsibility or snowflakes?" "I can assure you, General Burkhalter, we will use a very good brand of paint." "Burkhalter's got Klink on the ropes." "Right where we want him." "Gentlemen, his little problem is going to solve our little problem." "We are now in the paint contracting business." "Hogan, I have been sitting here for hours trying to cut expenses, and you are asking for an extra loaf of white bread a week for your men." "And a few cookies." "And a few cookies." "Anything special you would like?" "Chocolate chip would be fine." "( feigns chuckling ):" "Chocolate chip..." "Or raising." "Tell you what-- mix them up." "Surprise us." "Hogan, not only is your request denied, but I will take away that loaf of white bread you're getting now and instead give you regular camp bread rations." "Back to the sawdust." "Dismissed." "Sir..." "I realize we're enemies, but we're also human beings." "I can tell, something's disturbing you, huh?" "Yes, you're disturbing me." "Dismissed." "Colonel, if we can't help each other, why are we here?" "It's that painting job, right?" "How do you know that?" "I've been reading your desk." "Everything here's secret." "450 marks to paint the interior of the building." "That's no secret." "It's an outrage!" "That's exactly what General Burkhalter said." "Uh... we could do the job for 350 marks." ""We"?" "Two of my men, before the war, were interior decorators." "Sergeant Carter's the best house painter in Muncie, Indiana." "Is that so?" "Mm-hmm." "I must say, I'm very impressed." "350 marks-- a saving of a hundred marks." "Buy a lot of monocles, sir." "Yes." "Why are you making this offer?" "We don't want you to economize." "We want to save that loaf of bread." "Oh, so you can go to town, try a little escape..." "You have my word as an officer and a gentleman-- no escape." "I'm afraid not." "It's against all regulations." "Uh... 350 your best price?" "Rock bottom, and we're losing money on the job." "But we want to keep you as a customer." "I'm afraid it's impossible." "Tell you what-- if there's any paint left over, we'll do a quick touch-up on your office." "It's beginning to look shabby" "( whispering ):" "rather embarrassing." "All right." "Paint the Luftwaffe headquarters... and my office for 350 marks." "One more thing." "Schultz." "No!" "I can't paint anything else at that price." "Schultz will guard you, and if there's any attempt at an escape, his orders will be shoot to kill." "Not exactly union conditions, but we'll take the job." "How long will this job take?" "Well, it's hard to say." "We're dealing with experts here." "I mean, they can't be rushed." "I want these men out of here tonight!" "( phone rings )" "Now, listen, Hogan, this job has got..." "You idiot!" "I'm sorry, sir." "I want this job finished as quickly as possible." "You can depend on us, sir." "We won't hold up the war." "It's the only war we got." "There's one other war, Sergeant." "The one with icicles." "LeBEAU:" "How much turpentine you put in?" "Well, there's a larger question." "What's turpentine?" "Hogan... these men are experts?" "Haven't you ever heard that before?" "That's an old painter's joke." "( all chuckle )" "Schultz, you're in charge." "I'm making you personally responsible." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And be alert." "Or as alert as you can possibly be." "Carry on." "All right, everybody, pay attention." "You heard the commandant." "I am in charge, and I'm supervising, and I want you to do a very good job!" "You don't know anything about painting." "That makes two of you." "LeBEAU:" "My father used to have a painting store... ( arguing )" "Quiet, everybody!" "Get to work!" "Schultz is in charge." "Come on." "( arguing continues; fades )" "CARTER:" "You think we ought to sand these walls?" "NEWKIRK:" "Don't be stupid." "Well?" "Well, it shouldn't be too difficult planting a bug." "There's plenty of wiring coming into the place." "Mm-hmm." "Remember, I promised Klink a good job." "We aim to please, sir." "We'd like to have more of your hidden microphone work." "Gut." "( phone rings )" "Get me General Müller." "General Müller, Major Vogel here, sir." "Heil Hitler." "Sir, we have received copies of the Section 489 maps from headquarters." "Yes, sir-- fighter deployment location and unit strength." "Top secret." "Shall I send them to your office, Herr General?" "At once." "Heil Hitler." "( Hogan whispers indistinctly )" "CARTER:" "Excuse me, sir." "We need your help." "What is it?" "Was there any special color, sir, you wanted us to paint the walls?" "Why bother me with that?" "Can't you see I'm busy?" "VOGEL:" "I am not an interior decorator!" "NEWKIRK:" "Well, I never thought you were, sir." "Although, one never can tell, can one?" "Would you just look at this, sir?" "Just look at it." "It's called a gay, happy chartreuse." "NEWKIRK:" "Now, just watch the way it goes on, sir." "Watch this." "See how the room becomes alive." "CARTER:" "It's very ordinary." "I'm a blue man, myself." "CARTER:" "What do you think of that?" "NEWKIRK:" "It doesn't capture the real Luftwaffe." "Now, here is something that will stimulate the old optic nerve." "VOGEL:" "You have both put the same color on the wall." "NEWKIRK:" "It challenges the imagination, doesn't it, sir?" "Paint it the regulation color!" "Well, what color is used in military buildings?" "Your army or ours?" "I don't care what color!" "( stomps foot )" "Just paint it!" "It's so hard to bring beauty into some people's lives." "SCHULTZ:" "One, two, three, four." "I came with four," "I leave with four." "What about me, Schultz?" "You are an officer, Colonel, you do not count." "The count is correct." "I take the prisoners back to Stalag 13, Herr Major." "Halt!" "Search them." "There is top-secret material in this room, Sergeant." "Search them!" "( giggles )" "SCHULTZ:" "Nothing, sir." "Next." "Nothing, sir." "Next." "Raise your arms." "Raise your arms." "Nothing... sir." "Don't tickle, Schultz." "Nothing, sir." "You forgot to look in that pocket." "( gasps )" "My watch!" "Can't be too careful these days." "Next." "Raise your arms, sir." "Nothing, sir." "VOGEL:" "What are you doing?" "Turn that light back on!" "The light's giving off too much heat-- the room will dry too fast." "You don't want tacky paint, do you?" "All I want is for you to finish and get out as quickly as possible." "Major, you read my mind." "SCHULTZ:" "All right, everybody, raus, raus, raus, raus." "This just came in from London, Colonel." "Hold it." "London's sending a special courier for the map." "They'll drop him in when we're ready, fly him out the following night." "And it's signed "Anxious."" "Be nice if we had the bloody thing for him." "But we haven't." "The Krauts are going to find that map any minute." "And then they'll find us." "You guys are knocking yourselves out for no reason at all." "I don't consider a firing squad" ""no reason at all."" "Are you figuring to try for it again, Colonel?" "Like, tomorrow?" "That's ridiculous!" "Come off it, sir, please." "We were supposed to put a microphone in there." "We did it, c'est fini." "Matter of fact, I was a bit rushed on that bug;" "I should check it." "Okay, but the map is the big bonus." "I still think we ought to forget it." "I already have." "Let's talk about girls." "They're sending a special courier." "Give him an IOU." "It's a map of German fighter deployment." "Any idea what that would mean to our bomber command?" "Sure, that's the places they'd hit first." "And sabotage on the ground." "The Krauts would get wise to that right away and redeploy." "Right." "But it would take them a month to rearrange themselves." "In that time, having the map could save maybe a hundred bomber crews." "I say it's worth another shot." "But how?" "Tomorrow when they take us to that building, we get into room, take the map out of the lamp, signal London we're ready and that's it." "Absolutely nothing to worry about." "Or is there?" "Now you're coming over to our side." "Why not?" "Let's all be scared together." "( conversing in German )" "The Major's orders are not to let you in." "He's busy." "Tell him we have to get into the office, Schultz." "( translates )" "Nein, das ist verboten." "You heard what he said." "About face, back to the... ( arguing loudly )" "Attention!" "What's going on here?" "We want to go in and finish the job, Major." "As far as I am concerned, you are finished." "We should inspect the work and check the paint to make sure it's drying properly." "Take them back to camp." "Jawohl, Herr Major." "Last officer to go against Burkhalter's orders is missing in action!" "General Burkhalter?" "About that high, about that wide, walks like a duck." "I know what he looks like." "You're under his orders?" "Yeah, he's a great guy." "All right, all right, inspect the paint... then out!" "SCHULTZ:" "All right, inspect the paint." "Come on, everybody, inspect the paint." "( chattering )" "What makes them so happy?" "Oh, they have to be-- union regulations." "( conversing )" "Hold it, men." "( conversing continuing )" "Hold it!" "Not enough light in here." "Can't inspect the paint unless you can see." "You told us to keep the lights off or the paint would not dry properly." "That was yesterday." "You got to keep up with the times." "Must be the bulb or the wiring." "I'll check it." "Hey, Schultz, don't lean against it." "It's still wet." "Don't you think I know wet paint when I see it?" "Sure you do." "Excuse me, sir." "What do you think of the color?" "Yes, do you like it?" "Don't bother me!" "He likes it." "All right, LeBeau..." "let's try it." "Right, sir." "Ha, see?" "Loose bulb." "The paint is drying very well, Colonel." "Yes, I'm satisfied." "Oh, that's good enough for me." "Kinch, everything where it ought to be?" "You know what they say, Colonel:" "There's a place for everything and the thing is in its place." "See, Major, it only hurt a minute." "Raus, raus, raus." "SCHULTZ:" "Well, gentlemen, you did a very good job on the painting." "You did not make any trouble." "There was no monkey business." "You didn't try to escape." "You did not steal anything." "We must be slipping." "Just to show you my appreciation," "I'll take you all out to the Hofbrau for a beer." "That's very, very decent of you, Schultz." "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, you're all Kraut and a yard wide." "Yeah, but we can't accept." "Why?" "It's against regulations." "Regulations?" "That's my job." "Yup, take us back to camp, huh?" "SCHULTZ:" "Wait a minute, Colonel Hogan." "I want to buy you a drink." "I'm paying." "Can't turn him down, sir." "It's military courtesy." "I didn't want to tell you this, but I don't feel too well." "What's wrong, Colonel?" "Back there in the office" "I got a sudden pain-- right here." "And he wants to get rid of it, right, Colonel?" "HOGAN:" "As quickly as possible." "If a man gets caught with a pain like this," "I mean, he could be very, very sick." "Yeah, every minute he has it is dangerous." "Yeah, but, Colonel Hogan, a beer will make you feel much better." "I don't think so." "Thanks anyway, Schultz." "OTHERS:" "Thank you, Schultz." "Halt!" "I am in charge here." "And I decided to take you down the street for a beer and anybody who refuses will be shot trying to escape!" "He's gone mad." "That's not like him." "Schultzy, you sound like a killer." "( growls )" "I can't help it..." "I'm thirsty." "( men cheering )" "Here we go." "( chattering )" "Thank you very much." "Now, gentlemen... to our wives and sweethearts." "May they never meet." "( laughs )" ""May they never meet"!" "SCHULTZ:" "Oh, you feel better, Colonel?" "HOGAN:" "Yeah, having a ball, Schultz." "Some more beer, next and last one..." "Sergeant Schultz?" "!" "Yeah..." "Jawohl." "Major Vogel reports you permitted these men to leave Luftwaffe headquarters without being searched." "I was thirsty..." "I mean, I forgot." "You forgot?" "!" "Search them." "On your feet, all of you." "Line up!" "Very friendly type." "It's their country." "It's also their map, but the firing squad will be ours." "Just what do you think you're doing?" "It's a bit warm, sir." "Oh, really?" "That was very stupid." "No wonder you British are losing the war." "Oh, did you hear that, chaps?" "We're losing the war." "That's the first I've heard of it." "I must write to my mum and dad." "They're going to be shocked." "Silence!" "Aha... you stole that." "Well, I prefer to think of it, sir, as borrowed." "Well?" "All right... as you were." "Make sure that man is punished." "And, Sergeant, next time observe regulations." "Understood?" "Understood!" "Oh, boy, is it understood." "Yeah, remember that pain" "I had a while ago?" "It's gone." "I told you, Colonel, a beer will make you feel much better." "Who's got it?" "You mean, it's catching?" "There we are, sir, allow me." "Danke." "Not at all, sir." "There is no reason why this war can't be a helpful one, is there, sir?" "As long as you Engländers know your place." "Right, sir." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen, to you, sir." "( softly ):" "And drop dead about it while you're on the way." "About that pain, sir," "I think I've got it now." "It is catching." "Let's get back to camp." "Yeah, before someone else catches it." "SCHULTZ:" "How much is it?" "I put it in the old geezer's coat and took it out while he was leaving." "Newkirk, I wish I could give you a medal for this." "Well, the truth is, sir..." "Don't tell me." "He'll never miss it." "350 marks, 12 pfennigs-- one of the greatest bargains of World War II, sir." "I'd like it in cash." "Not so fast, my friend." "I have a little bill for you." "Commandant, you've been painting behind my back?" "Transportation, the use of a truck into Hammelburg, 150 marks." "Overtime for Sergeant Schultz, 190 marks and 12 pfennigs." "190 marks for Schultz?" "You've got to be kidding." "He's a sergeant, remember?" "A corporal could have guarded us." "You wouldn't have saved a great deal, perhaps ten percent." "Look, we made a deal, we did a good job;" "we want the money." "Dismissed." "I'd like the cash, sir." "I said "dismissed."" "Is that your final word?" "It is, indeed." "Okay." "Hold it!" "( men talking loudly )" "Knock it off!" "HOGAN:" "Fellows, knock it off!" "We lost the contract." "Wait a minute..." "Where are you going?" "Just a minute." "Hogan!" "My office, who's going to paint it, huh?" "If I were you, I'd get someone with experience." "Hey, how about that little corporal with the mustache?" "Out." "Is he busy?" "Out!"