"[GRUNTS]" "Fantastico." " Are you checking my pulse?" " You were very still." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Well, that was really fun." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "I don't know what to say here." "Um..." "I got an idea." "Stay right here, okay?" " Okay." "Okay." " I'm gonna do something." "Stay right here." "We need some dessert." "That's too much." "No, definitely not doing that." "[DOOR OPENS]" " Bob!" " You!" " It's you." " Nick." "Right, Nick." "How could I forget that?" "Sorry to interrupt you, Wilson let me in." "[NICK CHUCKLES]" "What are you doing with that?" "That, uh, looks like lady food." "This is for Wilson." "Yeah, Wilson, here's your grapefruit pie and eggs." "Just like you like." " Is it because it's my birthday?" " Birthday?" "That's why I made it, because it's your birthday." "I know you're lying and I'm hurt, but I'm gonna eat this anyway." "NICK:" "See you later, Wilson." " What are you doing here?" " The wedding." "I wouldn't miss Cece's wedding." "Where's Jess?" "Hey, Nick, what's...?" "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Look who I bumped into, your dad!" "Your dad is here today, Jess." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" "[SIGHS]" "[BOTH LAUGH]" "Well, are the reviews in?" " The reviews for what?" " My new body." "How it moves." "Its pitch, its yaw." "My perfectly sculpted pubic topiary." "I liked how your body moved before you knew what to do with it." "[SHAGGY'S "IT WASN'T ME" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "Picture this, we were both butt naked" " Wanna dance?" " Yeah, right." "Fat kid wants to dance at the cool college party." "Nice joke, stranger." "If they make fun of you, I'll punch them in the penis." "Standing there She never took her eyes off me" "How you can grant the woman Access to your villa" "Trespasser and a witness While you cling to your pillow" "You better watch your back Before she turn into a killer" "[GRUNTING]" "You never cared about what people thought." "I mean, even last night, with the window open and the wolf howls." "BERNIE:" "It was very uncomfortable." "Stop threatening to move, Bernie, and just move!" "I love that about you." "I'm gonna go to work." "Wanna have lunch?" "It's still impressive, but did you lose weight down...?" "It's slightly smaller." "Doctors, no explanation." "BERNIE:" "That's not normal." " Shut up, Bernie!" "Shut up, Bernie!" "[WHISPERING] He can never find out about this because he will kill you." "When I was 10, he caught me kissing Glenn Ely." "He got guys from the club to put the fear of God in him." "[SCREAMING]" "Help!" " So let me deal with him." "BOB:" "Smile!" " I gotta get some new Flashcubes." " Dude." "Keep your mouth shut." " Great, fantastic." " [IN NORMAL VOICE] Dad?" "BOB:" "Yeah?" " Why don't we take a walk?" "[PHONE RINGS]" "Oh." "It's Peg." " Peg." " Hi, Jess!" "Guess what?" "I'm at a new school." "There's an opening for a new teacher." "You'd be perfect." " Can you come in today?" " Yeah, I would love to..." " My dad's in town, so..." "PEG:" "I'm kind of out on a limb here." "I talked you up to the principal." "Spoiler alert:" "He's porking me." " Can you be here in 30 minutes?" " Okay." "I'll figure it out." "Amy, put those back in your shirt, both." "Oh, my God!" "I have the chance to teach kids again!" "You gotta go." " Dad, come with me." " You should go with your daughter." "What am I gonna do, sit in your car, get mugged?" "I mean, I didn't gay my way out of Vietnam just to be killed by some punk." " No, no." "I'll stay with him." " No, that doesn't work." " Bad idea." " I've got stuff I gotta do." ""Stuff"?" "You don't have any "stuff." Name one "stuff."" " Documents." " Documents?" "Yeah, I got documents." "Okay, I get it." "You know, I'm always alone, so I'll just, uh, be alone." "Do not fall for it." "I am falling for it this second." "I'm feeling bad." " I'll stay." "BOB:" "That's terrific." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Jess?" "Jess?" "Hi!" "Yay, tomorrow's your big day!" "Hooray!" "Listen, I'm gonna be later than I thought, but it's gonna be worth it because last..." "Hang on, I can't hear you." "Guys?" "It's too loud in here, okay?" "Uncle Shishir!" "[ALL LAUGHING]" "He had one scene with Salman Khan in Dabangg 2 and he thinks he's Amitabh Bachchan In Jhoom Barabar Jhoom." " I can just tell you later." " I am exhausted." "And I have to pick up my wedding sari." " I still have to get my hands hennaed." " Okay, look, send everybody to their hotels." "I'll have Winston pick up your sari." "After you're done having your hands tattooed take a nap." "Now hand the phone to Shishir." "Uncle?" "Jess." "JESS:" "Shishir, you son of a bitch, you little son of a bitch." "It is not your day!" " Hey, Winston." " What's up?" "Anything you wanna wish me?" "Winston, I need you to pick up Cece's wedding sari and take it to her house." " You want me to take it to her house?" " Yeah, pick it up." "Oh." "Wedding sari, for the celebration of the wedding." " Yes, ha, ha, nothing else." " I don't know what you're doing." "Just do it." " I have to go." " It's happening!" "Hey, hi!" "Thank you so much for the interview." "Sorry I'm late." "No interview." "Right into the soup." "You're subbing." " I need Al to see you in action." " It's a really busy day." " I don't think I can sub right now." " Yes, you can." " No." " This is your chance." "[KIDS YELLING]" "Stop!" "You have to stop!" "Hey, guys." "All right." "Okay, listen!" "Or don't." "But the hell if I'm not gonna teach." "I'm gonna bring the words of Mark Twain alive with only the human voice." " What about you, you got a girl?" " No, no, no." " No, really?" "Seriously?" " No, no girls for me." "A good-Iooking guy like you, seems like women would flock to you." "Let's talk about you, I don't wanna talk about this." "This isn't something we should talk about, trust me!" " Okay, gee whiz." "I'm sorry." " Just frigging back off." "I'm sorry I brought it up." "All right." "What?" "What?" " There's a girl." " There is!" "I told you." "There's always a girl." " You're right." " What's she like?" " She's, uh, not quirky." " No?" " She's got no bangs." " No bangs?" " Tall, fat." " Really?" "Yeah, really ugly eyes, small." "Tiny little beady eyes." "Her name is, uh, Yolanda Winston." "Yolanda Winston." "Just wallpaper!" "Fantasy athletic shoe wallpaper." "Elizabeth, what are you doing here?" "I got here early, so I wanted to come up." "That shirt is, uh, 12 years old." "The shirt I met you in." "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, yeah, I remember that." " Y2 Kitty Kat, as relevant today as it was then." "Schmidt, do you have a moment?" " I have unlimited moments." " I was reviewing the numbers..." "Custodial keeps sending us these spooky Eastern European girls." "You wanna see spooky?" "Call me "spooky" again." " I'll spook the ass fat out of your lips." " Do you know her?" " No." "No..." " No?" "L..." "I feel like I'm trapped." "I'm being trapped, am I not?" "I'll do you a favor and set you free." "Idiot." "Wait, don't leave." "Elizabeth!" " I don't know why I did that!" " I knew you couldn't change back!" " Why are you wearing that?" " I'm not gonna let you make me feel bad." " I love this shirt!" " Y2 Kitty Kat?" "I don't need this." "I was fine before you showed up." "In fact, I said no to a date tonight to be with you." "I'm gonna text him yes." "And guess what?" "I don't care what you think." "See you, Schmidt." "Without validation, the parking rates are absurd." "[KIDS YELLING]" "Jamie, enough with the globes." "We get it, you're angry." "[BELL RINGING]" "That's lunch." "Be back in an hour." " Jess!" "I'm Dr. Foster." " Oh." "Peg has gone on and on and on and on about you." " Nice to meet you!" "I'm running out for lunch..." "No." "No need, no need." "But you don't need to go out for lunch." "We can have lunch here." "My secretary is bringing food." "So we'll have a chit-chat tête-à-tête, exchange ideas kind of lunch to see how you'll fit in to the Coolidge culture." "Um, well, long story short, I really would love this job." " I love teaching kids..." " Ha!" "Now, what if you weren't referring to children..." "Oh!" "Uh-huh?" "...but to baby goats?" " That's an interesting question." " Well we used to have a school goat named Melvin." "He hanged himself, tragically, on the swing set." " Hmm." " So we bought another goat." "Also named Melvin." "Surprise!" "[LAUGHS]" "Yeah!" "You can come out now." "I see some food over here, where my cake at?" "Hey, where my cake at?" "I can hear you giggling." "I can see the..." " Where's my sari?" " Something on your face." " What's that, a wedding tattoo?" " What do mean?" "[SCREAMING]" "Wait a minute." "Hold on, hold on." "What are you doing?" "Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, cheese, lettuce." "You're a sandwich genius." "Is there anything you don't know about?" " Try me." " All right, I will try you." "I've got a question about Yolanda Winston." " Sure." " We've only slept together once but I don't know what she wants." "First thing you gotta figure out is what do you want?" "I don't know how you get a podcast, but you should look into it." "[PHONE RINGS]" " Bob here." " Hey, Dad, new plan." "I'm headed to Cece's, how's it going there?" "Great." "We're making sandwiches, talking about girls." "Interesting." "Hand the phone to Nick." " She wants...?" " Jess wants to talk to you." " Jess." " What is going on over there, Nick?" " Hanging out with my boy, Bobby D." " Bobby D, I love that!" "Talking about girls?" "The one thing you should not be talking about!" " You are freaking out about..." " I don't like what's happening here." "I am coming home." "[CAR HORNS HONKING]" "Relax, I think he really likes me." "It's Cece, I have to take this." "Cece, hi." "[CECE SCREAMING OVER PHONE]" " What's going on?" "CECE:" "I fell asleep on my hand!" "Aah...!" "It's not as bad as I thought." "I'm getting married and I look like Mike Tyson." "Nothing cotton balls and olive oil can't fix." "In a few minutes, we are gonna laugh about this." "We will laugh." "Okay." " We'll think this is funny later." " Okay." " Uh-huh." " Oh." "See, it's coming right off." "Oh." "Ahem." "All gone?" "Burkas isn't you guys, is it?" "This girl really means a lot to me, Bob." " I don't want to screw it up." " Why would you screw it up?" "I don't want to make excuses, but my dad was kind of a piece of..." "Truth be told, Bob, I'm afraid I'm a lot like him." "The mere fact that you just said that means that you're nothing like your old man." "Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you." " You mean that?" " Yes, I do." "I'm gonna say something that might make you really happy." "That little girl I was talking about, Yolanda her name isn't Yolanda." "It's Jess." "She's your daughter." "I'll kill you!" "You're dead!" "You're dead!" "Hi, you tattooed my friend this morning for her wedding." "Is there a quick way of getting it off?" "Uh-huh." "Okay." "Um, wonderful." "Thank you so much, Dipti." "That's awesome." "Thanks." " It's not coming off." " Nope, it's not." "Absolutely not." "Okay, look, Cece, I think maybe you should call Shivrang." "I don't want him to see me like this, Jess." "What have you done?" "You're the dummy who fell asleep on your hands." "Sorry, that shouldn't have come out of my mouth." "That was uncool." "I've just had a crazy 24 hours and I slept with Nick last night." " You slept with Nick?" " I don't know." " It might be the start of something amazing." " Sure." "It could be something, it could not be." " Makes sense." " I don't know." "I have a full beard!" "[BOB MOANING AND PANTING]" " I'm not scared of you." " What are you doing with that?" "Put that down, I'm not gonna hurt you." "Okay, conversation's over." "Nick, hands up, back away." "What is this?" " You're coming with me..." " Wanna get rid of me?" " So you two can do it again?" " What?" "You told him?" "God, I knew you would blurt it out." "Shows how much you know." "I didn't blurt it." "I told him on purpose." "Why would you do that?" "What is wrong with you?" "I wanted him to like me." "In fact, I want all fathers to like me." " I wonder what that's about." " What, do you owe money on the rent?" " What's going on?" " I don't know what's going on." " We haven't had a chance to talk yet." " When did this happen?" " Last night." "Why am I telling you?" " Nick." "Jess, why are you picking him?" "He's a lazy, drunken cable thief." "What's wrong with Wilson?" "Nothing wrong with Nick." "You don't know him." "I do know him." "I know him." "When I was young, I was confused." "I was lost, I had no plan." "But I went ahead and got married anyway." "And if I had figured things out before, I might still be with your mother." "So I do know you." "You're not your father, you're me." "And I'm not good enough for my little girl." "I got my own damn cake and you can't have none." " I gotta..." " Nick, wait." "No, I really should..." " Damn it, Dad." " You know I'm right." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "I have to go." "I have to go back to school now." "Sure you wanna be eating so much cake with a body like that?" "[BELL RINGING]" "[KIDS YELLING]" "Guys." "Guys." "I've had a bad day!" "Sit down!" "All of you!" "What is with everyone today?" "Everything started so good." "Boy." "Ha." "My roommate..." "Ha, ha." "It was good, I'm not gonna lie." "It was very good, but I can't date my dad." "Look, life's messy." "It kicks you in the ass." "That's right, I said "ass."" "But it does, it kicks you in the ass and, um the messy parts are the best parts." "Thank you, Miguel." "The gesture is very sweet." "These are very bad for you." "I've got a car, I could take you to the movies." "No, you don..." "You do?" " Jess called you?" " Yes, she said you needed me." "She told me to watch out for a girl who looked like Mandy Patinkin." "We can't get married like this." "Look, if this is our biggest problem, I'll take it." "I'll make a call and fix it." "[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]" "Now that your mom's dead, do you do all the landlording yourself?" "Uh-huh." "Do you wanna dance?" "I'm wearing the shirt that you got me." "Did you think I threw it away?" ""Frogetaboutit."" "Go home, Schmidt." "I don't wanna go home, Elizabeth." "Look, I wanna be with you." "And I don't care who knows it." "Hey, Geppetto, make with the oompah-pah." "[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]" "[BOB BLOWING]" "We have a pump that can blow that thing up in, like, two seconds." "I prefer to do this the old-fashioned way." "I know that's not the way things are done around here so long as I'm in town, I'm going to sleep between you and him." "Dad, you don't have to worry about me." "I know you think this is gonna be a mess, but it's my mess." "Jess, I'm your father." "I'll always worry about you." "[BOB BLOWING]" "[LUCIUS' "UNTIL WE GET THERE" PLAYING]" "[PHONE BEEPS]" "What do you say?" "Is this the time" "For one more try" "At a happy life?" "This was the breakfast I was gonna give you this morning." "Is this unwise" "To think my fears..." "Hey, um, I hope my dad didn't get in your head." "No." "Uh, no..." "Look who took the romance spot." "We're just gonna match up constellations with the mole patterns on my back." "Then we're gonna get drunk and try to find people doing it." "First come, first serve." "Scram." "Is that how it is now?" "You just own the roof?" "WINSTON:" "Hey, what's everybody do...?" "You guys remembered?" "Oh, my good..." "This whole time, I thought you guys forgot." "Is that a golden telescope?" "You know how much I love to explore space and time, man." " Thank you." " Happy birthday." " Happy birthday." "SCHMIDT:" "Happy birthday." "To the birthday boy." "SCHMIDT:" "I'm gonna set it up for you." "WINSTON:" "Why can't I have the telescope?" "SCHMIDT:" "It's my telescope." "WINSTON:" "I thought it was for me." "NICK:" "Birthday boy." "Get in there, birthday boy." "JESS:" "Happy birthday, Winston." "[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Ripped By mstoll"