"NARRATOR:" "A long, long time ago, within a mystical forest, on a magical pond, there lived a frog named Freddy." "Freddy was no ordinary frog." "(CROAKS)" "Okay, he was sort of ordinary." "Freddy was the first funny frog." "Not only was he the first funny frog, he was the first funny anything." "Not even clowns were funny back then." "Clowns were teachers and lawyers and used car salesmen." "Just regular folks, like you and me." "(NOSE HONKING)" "Soon Freddy was playing to packed houses." "The creatures loved Freddy, and they wanted to be funny like him, but, alas, they didn't know what made him so funny." "One brave bear cub stepped forward, conjecturing that the pond water made Freddy funny." "He took a sip, and he became funny." "Soon creatures came from far and wide to drink from this magical pond." "They loved the good feeling they had after they laughed." "Life seemed so much more manageable when they approached it with humor." "Thus was the story of the creation of humor." "JON:" "Garfield!" "Odie!" "Breakfast." "And they all lived happily ever after." "The end." "Let's eat." "(PUZZLED GROWL)" "(DISMISSIVE GRUNT)" "Why is it so dark in here?" "ODIE:" "Huh?" "(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Work it." "Good morning, boys!" "(ODIE BARKING)" "(WHOOPING)" "(WHOOPING)" "(LAUGHS)" "Am I supposed to eat those?" "Come on!" "Cheer up." "Jon, it's morning." "Winning the lottery wouldn't cheer me up." "Get with the program, big guy." "Tomorrow night's the big talent show." " I know." " It's Fun Fest." "I know." "(MUSIC STOPS)" "All right, Mr. Grumpy." "Bet you can't guess what I'm going to do for Fun Fest this year." "(HUMMING)" "That same dance routine you've been doing since 1978?" "The same dance routine I've been doing since 1978, but this year, I feel it, Garfield, this is my year." "Jon, that might have had a good chance of winning if it weren't for the whole disco is dead thing." "(ODIE GIGGLES)" "(JON CLEARS THROAT)" "Okay, laugh, you guys." "At least I'm putting some effort into it, as opposed to someone I know." "Relax." "Who wins every year?" "Let's see." "(EXCLAIMS) I do." "Arlene and I will knock 'em dead with our stand-up routine." "You know what?" "You should forget the stand-up and do a dance with Arlene." "She's wanted to do that for years!" "Jon, read my lips." "If it ain't broke, don't fix it, okay?" "Okay." "What are you doing this year, Odie?" "(GRUNTING)" "BOTH:" "Hmm." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(ODIE CHUCKLES)" "(GARFIELD GRUMBLING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(80's POP PLAYING)" "JON:" "Ah!" "All right!" "Very good, Odie." "What do you think, Garfield?" "I think it's embarrassing enough that I live with a dog." "Now I'm living with a mime dog." "(SIGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "Good morning, guys." " Good morning." " Good morning." " Big day tomorrow." " Oh, yeah, Fun Fest." "What are you going to do for your talent this year, Nermal?" " I am so glad you asked." " Oh, boy." "Air guitar solo." "(IMITATING GUITAR PLAYING)" "(SINGING) Fun Fest, Fun Fest Nermal's the best" "Are we there yet?" "Fun Fest, Fun Fest I'm gonna be the number one best" "(GRUNTS)" "(MOANING)" "You gotta get by Arlene and me first, pal." "Right, Arlene?" "Yeah, which reminds me, I was thinking that maybe..." "Not to worry." "I have our routine all figured out." "I'll run you through it when we get to the studio." "Hey, why can't I ever get to be in a routine with you guys?" "Well, Nermal, how do I put this nicely?" " You suck." " I do not suck." " Like a vacuum cleaner." " Hey." "You're too young and too short to perform with pros like us." "Am not." "You're so short, you could pose for trophies." "(GROANING)" "Boys." "Garfield, I'd really like to do that dance number this year." "Come on, Arlene, why mess with a good thing?" "Comedy kills." "For once, why can't we do something I wanna do?" "I mean, it's not like I'm asking you to bring me a bouquet of roses." "Now that would be pushing it." "You totally take me for granted." "That's what the marble statue said to the art dealer." ""Don't take me for granite."" "(SCOFFING)" "That's your killer comedy?" "You are so going down this year, fatso." " Pipsqueak." " Fatso." " Pipsqueak." " Fatso." "Are we there yet?" "(SINGING) I can just see my name in lights" " Hey, Jeff." " Morning, Jon." "Jeff, the entertainer of the year" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Good morning, Billy Bear." "That's my name, don't wear it out." "Good morning, Randy Rabbit!" "How are you today?" "Fantastic and amazing." "Watch this." "(GRUNTING)" "(IN MUFFLED VOICE) Hi, Jon." "How are you doing?" " Nice try, Randy." "I've seen that one before." " I guess I'll have to work up another trick." "What if we use a groundhog instead of a rabbit?" "BOTH:" "Hmm." "Zelda, Zelda, Zelda." "I swear." "Are those stars I see in your eyes?" "Are those stars I see in your eyes?" " What are you talking about?" " Why, about Fun Fest, of course." "You're entertaining us tomorrow, aren't you?" " I'll think about it." " Well, don't disappoint your fans, okay?" "(EXCLAIMING)" "(CHAINSAW ROARING)" "Hey, Zelda, what are you... (ZELDA GRUNTS)" "MAN:" "Whoa!" "(ZELDA LAUGHING)" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "I've done that before." "Attenzione, attenzione, people." "(CHATTERING CONTINUES)" "Betty." "(ECHOING) Shut up!" "(SILENCE)" "Good morning, people." "Before we do our comic strips today, we are all going to rehearse for tomorrow's Fun Fest." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Now, if you would please proceed to the auditorium in a quiet and orderly..." "(GROANS)" "Oh, Charles." "Oh, Charles." " Hey, Eli." " Hey, Garfield." "Ready for another Fun Fest?" "I'm ready to win another Fun Fest." "I heard a rumor about a new strip, and this new guy is supposed to be some tough competition." " Nothing can knock me off the top spot." " You might wanna keep that ego in check." "Uh..." "Buddy?" "(SIGHS)" "Welcome to the dress rehearsal for the 30th annual Fun Fest, where the act that's the most fun, wins!" "As you know, tomorrow's talent show will be judged, and the winner's comic strip will be placed in the coveted top position on the comics page." "The Garfield comic strip has enjoyed quite a long run on top, but will it prevail again?" "You bet your bippy, Monocle Boy." "(CROWD LAUGHS)" "(ARLENE SIGHING)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Before we start rehearsal, allow me to introduce this year's Fun Fest judges." "First, my assistant director, Betty." "(ALL CHEERING)" "From the Life Stinks comic strip, we have Bonita Stegman." "(ALL CHEERING)" "I thought we were going to do something together in the show this year, Bonita." " That would be beneath me, Walter." " Yes, dear." "And rounding out the panel, we have Billy Bear's wife, Bonnie Bear." "All right." "You know who to vote for, don't you, Bonnie?" "Don't ask me to play favorites, Billy." "I take my duties as judge seriously." "What if I were to, say, do the dishes for a week?" "Are you bribing a judge, Mr. Bear?" "No, sir." "Ma'am." "(STAMMERING) I gotta go polish my nose now." "You better polish your act if you want my vote." "And now, some opening remarks from this year's master of ceremonies and the perennial winner of Fun Fest, please welcome Garfield." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Thank you, Charles." "(SIGHING) It's so great to be hosting Fun Fest again." "And, to be honest, it's so great to be winning Fun Fest again." "(ALL JEERING)" "No, but seriously." "This year I'm so confident of victory," "I'm gonna tell you my secret for success." " You bribe the judges." " No." " Your mother counts the votes." " No, it's not that easy." "In order to be a great comedian you have to first be a great dramatic actor." " Yeah, right." "Tell us another lie." " Come on." "Sure, fatso." "Let me demonstrate." "Of course, I'll need my lovely assistant." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Arlene and I will do our winning routine from last year, where I perform all the great scenes from all the great movies in 30 seconds." "(EXCITED MURMURING)" "Bond, James Bond." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a darn." "Here's looking at you, kid." "Me, Tarzan." "You, Jane." "It's alive." "It's alive." "Adrian!" "(GROANING)" "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." "GARFIELD:" "Mmm." "(ARLENE GROANS)" "(HORN BLARING)" "I'm the king of the world!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Yeah, thank you, thank you." "All right, people, work with me, and I'll work with you." "Can we have the first act up for rehearsal, please?" "(EXCITED BARKING)" " Hi." " Hey." " There you go, Arlene." " Thanks." "Okay, here's what we're going to do this year." "Here are your setup lines, and we walk out together, and you say..." ""Gee, Garfield and I feel like mummies tonight."" "And then I say, "Yeah, pressed for time."" "GARFIELD:" "Laughter, laughter, laughter." "And then you say something like, "Oh, Garfield," ""where do you come up with that stuff?" And then I say..." "Garfield, I really had my heart set on doing that dance number this year." "Arlene, we win with this stuff." "Doing something else would be heresy." "Some things are more important than winning, Garfield." "I'll pretend I didn't hear that." "Come on, Garfield, let's do something I wanna do this year." "Do it for me." " Oh, come on." " That was so good." "Here we go again." " What dance did you have in mind, Arlene?" " The tango." "Garfield, it would be so exciting, so romantic." " And you can wear this outfit." " Say what?" "This outfit, you can't do the tango without the proper costume." "(BILLY BEAR AND RAND Y RABBIT LAUGHING)" "Uh..." "BILLY BEAR:" "Put it on." "(GARFIELD GROWLING)" "BOTH:" "Whoops!" "No way, Arlene, I can't go there." "But you promised we'd do the dance this year." "I said I promised I'd think about it." "My comedy routine is a guaranteed winner." "If you really wanna do the tango, you'll have to find yourself another partner." "But who?" "(DOOR OPENS)" "(ARLENE GASPS)" "(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)" "I will dance with you." "Who is that?" "Allow me to introduce myself." "I am Ramón." "(ARLENE GASPS)" "(LIPS SMACKING)" "(ARLENE CHUCKLES)" "I smell a rat." "(ARLENE GASPING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "(RAMÓN CHUCKLING)" "Garfield, are you sure you don't wanna dance with me?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "You go ahead and dance with Raymond there." " Ramón." " Whatever." "I'll work up a solo act." " Good luck." " Good luck to you, too." "(SCOFFS)" "(ARLENE SIGHS)" "(RAMÓN CHUCKLING)" "(SIGHS)" "You got room for both of us up here?" " Both of you?" " Me and my ego!" "Sure." "Well, I met the new shooter." "His name's Ramón." "Looks like Arlene met him, too." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)" "(RAMÓN CHUCKLING)" "Wow!" "Look at that guy move." "He's not so good." " Yeah." " Oh, baby." " You said it, girl." " My sentiments exactly." "But where is Garfield?" "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "(ARLENE SIGHING HAPPILY)" "Thank you." "I heard his new strip's called Ramón Rough Rider." "The only thing rough about him is that cheesy accent." "He's nothing but a big phony." "Thank you, Arlene and Ramón." "Very nice indeed, charming." "All right, next to rehearse is Garfield." "Show time." "You've never done this without Arlene before." "I'll be fine, just watch." "Well, good luck." " Where is Garfield?" " GARFIELD:" "Here I am." "And what are you calling this routine?" ""Whatever it Takes."" "Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield the cat doing "Whatever it Takes."" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Thank you, thank you." "(ODIE GRUNTING)" "(CONFUSED GRUNT)" "(WHISPERING) All right, let's go." "(MUTTERING GIBBERISH)" "You're right, Odie." "We sure do feel like mummies tonight." "Pressed for time." "Oh, dear!" "This humor is, how do you say..." "Stale?" "(GIGGLING)" "Don't you agree, Arlene?" "All right, Raymond, I guess I'll have to take it up a notch." "And moving on." "Prop boy, prop boy." "(WHISPERING)" "Seriously, though." "I met this cat who was really short." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) How short was he?" "He was so short he could pose for trophies?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Yes, something like that." "(RAMÓN LAUGHS)" "Hey, folks, what did the statue say to the art dealer?" "Don't take me for granite." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "It is so sad to see someone past his prime struggle so." "Yes." "It is time for a new cat in town." "(SINGING) I'm strictly a feline, feline" "(GROANS)" "Perhaps, after I have won Fun Fest," "I will teach each of you the tango." "(EXCITED GIGGLES)" "The dance of romance." "(ARLENE SWOONS)" "(SIGHS)" "(AIR ESCAPING)" "(ALL MURMURING)" "Well, that was interesting." "(GARFIELD SIGHS)" " What was that?" " I bombed." "I never bomb." "Well, what do you expect?" "Without Arlene, you had to make up a whole new routine on the fly." " It'll take some time." " But I don't have time." "Fun Fest is tomorrow night." "I've got to get funny, fast." "I suggest you work on your routine, 'cause there isn't any magic potion that's gonna make you funny again." " Except Freddy's pond water." " What?" "Oh, nothing." "Just a fairy tale I read." "Great work, people." "That's a wrap until tomorrow." "It was so wonderful dancing with you today, Arlene." "I feel like the world is my oyster, and you are my pearl." "Speaking of pearl, perhaps you and I could maybe make some sweet ocean music..." "Thank you so much." "(SIGHS)" "(SNORING)" "GARFIELD:" "Oh, little magic pond." "Just one sip." "I'll be funny again." "Oh, yeah." "(IMITATING ALARM CLOCK)" "(GARFIELD YAWNS)" "What?" "Good morning, Odie." "(IMITATING ALARM CLOCK)" "I mean, good morning, alarm clock." "(GRUNTING)" "What's the rush?" "(GULPING)" "(GARFIELD GASPS)" "(ODIE CHUCKLING)" "(HORN BLARES)" "(GARFIELD MOANS)" "ODIE:" "Ta-da!" "I know, I know, tonight's the big night." "Fun Fest." "But the only way for me to win tonight is to come up with a funny act, and fast." "(YELPS)" "I keep reading this storybook, hoping there's an answer in here somewhere." "JON:" "Boys, breakfast!" "BOTH:" "Huh?" "Or maybe the answer's in my oatmeal." "Let's eat." "(CURIOUS GRUNTING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Good morning, Odie." "Looking good." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Did you know my costume is double knit?" "I kind of like it." "That's because you're "kind of geeky."" "(ODIE PANTING)" "Now what?" "(BARKS)" "Oh, I get it, you're a mime mailman, and you're pretending to deliver a letter." "(GRUNTING)" "Odie, please." "I'm trying to eat." "We'll play your game after breakfast, okay?" "(MUTTERING)" "(GARFIELD SIGHS)" "(ODIE WHIMPERING)" "(GARFIELD SIGHS)" "(GRUNTS)" "BOTH:" "Huh?" "Make way, you slow pokes." "Hi!" "Huh?" "Huh?" "(ODIE GRUNTS IN SURPRISE)" "(SCOFFS)" "Eat my bubbles." "(LAUGHING)" "(COUGHING)" "(GARFIELD SIGHING)" "(ODIE GRUMBLING)" "Stop!" "Enough, Odie." "(WHIMPERING)" "Not now, Odie." "I have to find out what Charles is shooting for Ramón's strip." "(ODIE SIGHS)" "(GASPS)" "All right, all right, you want me to open this." "ODIE:" "Duh!" "This is very old." "Where did you find it?" " In the storybook?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Whoa!" "Why didn't you tell me this before?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Nonsense." "I am beautiful from all angles." "Fine." "Arlene, my precious flower." "I hope you had time to think about what I asked you in the car this morning." "Please, say you will star in my strip today." "Gee, I don't know, Ramón." "Of all the lovely ladies here, you are the most ravishing beauty to ever grace my presence." "Oh, my!" "(SIGHING)" "How did you know these were my favorites?" "Ramón always knows what the pretty ladies like." "Please, say that you will be my damsel." "This is a map to Freddy Frog's magic pond." "All we have to do is follow the directions to the mythical land, through the mystical forest, to the magic pond where I drink the funny water, and I get funny in time for the show tonight." "ODIE:" "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "It's a little hard to believe, isn't it?" "So much for magic maps." "I guess I'll have to rely on my good looks for a victory tonight." "Who needs a magic pond, anyway?" "All right." "Let's shoot, people." "BOTH:" "Huh?" "(ARLENE SIGHING)" "CHARLES:" "And, action!" "I need a magic pond." "(GARFIELD GASPING)" "(GASPING) Oh!" "(RAMÓN LAUGHING)" "Man, this thing would be a lot easier to follow if there was a yellow-brick road." "(SIGHS)" "(SINGING) I'm gonna be the new Fun Fest king" "Kick, two, three, four." "(NERVOUS PANTING)" "Oh, Garfield." "Wow." "This is a lot farther than it looks on the map." "Thee towne is here, and the mythical land is here." "It's only this far on the map." "Hmm." "(GRUNTING)" "(PANTING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GARFIELD SIGHS)" "(CONFUSED MOANS)" "(GASPS)" "Yes, I think we're on the right path, Odie." "That appears to be the mystical forest." "(BELL CHIMING)" "Yeah." "Wow." "Hey, look." "ODIE:" "Oh!" "Hmm." "(CHATTERING)" "What the heck is this?" "(CONFUSED GRUNT)" "BOTH:" "Huh?" "We don't have time for this nonsense." "It's only hours till Fun Fest." "Let's go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " Stand back there, sir." " Pardon?" "You may not enter the mystical forest until you've seen the informational presentation." "So keep your pants on, sir." "The presentation will commence in a few seconds." "And you would be?" "(CRASHING)" "The mystical forest ranger, Officer Stanislavsky." "Please be seated, sirs." "GARFIELD:" "Hmm." "(EXCITED PANTING)" "(CRASHING)" "ODIE:" "Hmm." "GARFIELD:" "Huh?" "(GRUNTING)" "Welcome." "Beware, all ye who dare to enter the mystical forest." "(ODIE WHIMPERING)" "Beware the bear with the sinister smile." "(LAUGHS)" "I sometimes scare myself." " May we go through now?" " Silence." "I'm almost finished." "(ODIE'S TEETH CHATTERING)" "And beware the alligators at the stream crossing." "They would really like to snack on your bones." "Look, pal." "I really don't have time for this." "Maybe you can tell us which way to the magic pond with the funny water." "Of course." "The shortcut is through one of those curtains." "Just tell me which one's the shortcut, okay?" "First, you must answer one question honestly." "Tell me about yourself." "Are you a solo act, or do you rely on others?" "I'm strictly solo, pal, I don't need anyone's help." "Hmm." "Very well, sir." " Right this way." " Finally." "What a goofball that guy was." "(ODIE GRUNTS)" "Hey, wait a minute." "Hello!" "Hey, what kind of shortcut was that?" "Perhaps you haven't learned your lesson." "And perhaps I have." "I'm taking curtain number two." "(ODIE SIGHS)" "(HUMMING)" "(GASPS)" "Ha-ha, Mr. Wise Squirrel." "Okay, what do I do?" "Tell me about yourself." "Are you a solo act, or do you rely on others?" "(SIGHING) I need all the help I can get." "Yes." "Right this way." "This is the right path?" "You always take the right path when you choose to be honest with your audience." " And please enjoy your stay." " Thanks." "(ODIE GRUNTS)" "(ODIE HUMMING)" "(FLOWERS GIGGLING)" "BOTH:" "Wow." "This isn't getting any easier." "The map doesn't show a fork in the path, just this bear." "(BEAR GROWLING)" "(GULPING)" "It's only this big on the map." "(YELLING)" "Pick a card, any card." " You're not gonna eat us?" " Not if you pick a card." "Okay." " What card did you select, sir?" " The seven of diamonds." "You, sir, are absolutely correct." "(GIGGLING)" "Give it up for the bear." "Go, bear!" "Go, bear!" "(BOTH SIGHING)" " How does he do it?" "It's a gift." " Amazing." "Okay, okay, one more." " Well, we're kind of in a hurry here." " Look!" "(HUMMING)" "Voila!" "I've never seen anything quite like it." "Now we really gotta go." "Just one more." "I'm on a roll." " Junior?" " Yes, Momma." "Come to dinner and let these nice gentlemen go on their way." "(SIGHING) Momma." "Come on, or your berries will get cold." " You boys headed to the magic pond?" " How did you know?" "Everybody who comes here wants to drink the funny water." "If you ask me, people rely on that stuff too much." "Being funny should come natural, like with my Junior here." "Oh, he's something, all right, but not all of us can be as hilarious as Junior." "So could you tell us the quickest way there?" "Well, I suppose Junior could show you." " And you come right home, you hear." " Okay, Momma." "So, Junior, do we go right or left?" "To get to the magic pond tonight, follow your heart, and you'll always be right." "No, no, no." "Don't do this to me, Junior." " It's a riddle." " I hate riddles." "I love riddles." "MOMMA:" "Junior, dinner!" "Gotta go." "Bye, guys." "(GIGGLING)" "Well, swell." "Come on, Odie." "To get to the magic pond tonight, follow your heart, and you'll always be right." "I guess we go right." "ODIE:" "Mmm-mmm." "No?" "(BARKING)" "You're saying that since our hearts are on the left side of our bodies, then if we follow our hearts, we must turn left." "You really think it's that simple?" "(BARKS)" "Okay." "Let's hope this is quicker than that crazy squirrel and his curtains." "(EXCITED GIGGLING)" " Where's Garfield?" " I'm not sure." "Well, I'm making up the list of acts, and..." "Just schedule him for the end." "I'm sure he'll be here in time." "But he's supposed to be the master of ceremonies." "We start in an hour." "Who are we going to get to host?" "I could not help but overhear." "I would be honored to be master of the ceremony." "(CHUCKLES)" "GARFIELD:" "Hmm." "(GARFIELD SIGHS)" "Well, let's go." "What?" "Hey." " Odie, do rocks move?" " I don't know." "Are rocks bouncy?" "No." "(ROCK LAUGHING)" "Do rocks giggle when you tickle them?" "Uh-oh!" "Now we'll never make it to the magic pond and back in time for Fun Fest." "We're no match for alligators, Odie." "(ALLIGATORS GROWLING)" "BIRD:" "You sure about that?" "BOTH:" "Huh?" "There is a way to get by the alligators, you know." " Are you serious?" " Us, serious?" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Yes." "We're very serious." "So what do we have to do?" "Well, not many people know this, but alligators just love to laugh." "So make them laugh, and while they're distracted laughing, you can cross the creek." "But what if they stop laughing before we get all the way across?" "Aren't we the poopy head!" "(GARFIELD SCOFFS)" "What Roger is saying is that a defeatist attitude can be pervasive in its negative impact on the outcome of one's mission." "Poopy, poopy, poopy head!" " And he's also saying you're a poopy head." " I get the picture." "Come on, Odie, let's entertain the troops." "(GROWLING)" "Thank you, thank you!" "Hey, guys, it's great to be back here in the mystical forest, but you wouldn't believe what happened to me on the way here." "I was mugged." "Yeah, this guy walked up to me and says," ""Your money or your nine lives."" "(GROANING)" "(GULPING) See, because cats have nine lives." "(GROANING)" "It's tough being a cat." "You wouldn't believe what a six-pack of mice cost these days." "They're not laughing." "You're not funny." "That stuff might work for cats, but in case you haven't noticed, these aren't cats!" "What Roger is saying is that alligator humor is essentially kinetic in nature." " Yeah!" "Do stupid stuff." " Stupid stuff?" "Allow me." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "(MAKING SILLY NOISES)" "You see?" "Play to your audience." "Even if it means being foolish." "I gotta lower my standards." "Good job, Odie." "Let's go." " Thanks for the help." " Anytime." "What do you know?" "Yeah!" "Who'd have thought you could actually make alligators laugh?" "Who'da thunk?" "(SIGHING)" "(CHATTERING)" "We have to start." "We can't wait for Garfield anymore." "(SINGING) I'm Jeff the dancing gate guard I'm sure that you'll agree" "(SIGHS)" "(ODIE MUTTERING)" "(GARFIELD GASPS)" "(BOTH GASPING)" "It really exists, Odie." "The magic pond filled with funny water." "Let's do this!" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, boy!" "Come on, Odie!" "Whoa!" "(GARFIELD SIGHS)" "I knew this wasn't gonna be easy." "Hello!" "Anybody home?" "Hold your horses." "Whoa." "(ODIE GIGGLING)" " State your business." " I came to drink the funny water." "Who doesn't?" "And why do you want to drink the funny water?" "Because I'm not funny anymore." "I'll be the judge of that." "Tell me a joke." "How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb?" "One!" "If he hops to it." " You do impressions?" " Of course." "Any requests?" "Do a cat." "Meow." "I'm not convinced." " Are you quite through?" " Yep!" " You're not funny, all right." " What did I tell you?" " A piece of advice." " What's that?" "Drink a lot of funny water." "(LAUGHING)" " Okay." " They may have to drain the pond for you." "You may proceed." "Are you gonna raise the gate?" "Do I look like Arnold Schwarzenhagen?" "Go under!" "(SIGHS)" "(GRUNTING)" " Come on, Odie!" " Your friend is a poopy head." "(ODIE BARKING)" "Oh, boy." "(LAUGHING)" "(HUMMING)" "Hmm." "Hmm." "Yeah." "It's show time!" "With a one, two, three." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Fun Fest." "Our master of ceremonies, Garfield, has been detained." "(ALL MURMURING)" "Perhaps he'll drop in later, so please welcome our guest MC," "(DRUM ROLL)" "Ramón!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Good evening, all you beautiful people." "My name is Ramón." "Ever since I was a little kitten, it was my dream to one day leave my poverty-stricken litter box and perform for a wonderful audience such as you!" "(ALL SIGHING)" "Welcome to my show." "I love you, all of you!" "(CHEERING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ah." "You appear to be thirsty, my young friend." "BOTH:" "Huh?" "No, I'm just here for the funny water, pops." "I'll be out of here in a minute." "Ah, but only the magic pond holds funny water." " This ain't the magic pond?" " This so ain't the magic pond." "We moved it years ago." "No, this is a sludge pit, fed by a drainage ditch from Grin City." "(FLIES BUZZING)" "(SPUTTERING)" "(GAGGING)" "Nice spit take." "(SCATTING)" "(IMITATING OUTBOARD MOTOR)" " So where's the magic pond?" " Not so fast, impatient one." "Why do you wish to partake of the funny water?" "(SIGHS)" "I've been getting these pop quizzes ever since I got to this place." "Who do you people think you are, anyway?" "I can't speak for the others, but I think I'm Freddy Frog." "(BOTH GASPING)" "You." "You're for real." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you." "You look so different from... (CHUCKLING) From a storybook, I know, yes." "That was many years ago before I had to start wearing muumuus." "Well, it's an honor meeting you, Freddy." "Now, if you'll just direct me to the magic pond, I'll have a drink and be on my way." " I'm afraid it's not quite as simple as that." " Yeah, nothing is." "You must first attain a higher level of humorous enlightenment before drinking the water." "Can I get enlightened before Fun Fest?" "I'm in a rush here, pal." "Then let's begin." "Ah." "What is this, round one?" "It's a stick." "And what's with the "round one" remark?" "Oh, I always give nicknames to my students." "Now, this is much more than a stick, fur ball!" "(SIGHS)" "Who ordered the frozen snake?" "How long have you been on this diet, sir?" "Can you get this splinter out of my neck?" "Now, you do something with the stick." " I can't." " And why not?" "Because you used up all the good stuff." "(MUTTERING)" "(BARKS)" "Hey." "Ooh." "(MOCK GASPING IN PAIN)" "(FLAMENCO GUITAR PLAYING)" "(HOUND DOG PLAYING)" "There you go." "That's what I'm talking about." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "(SIGHS)" "Mimes aren't supposed to talk." "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't do stick shtick." "What else you got?" "Boot camp, big boy!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Ha!" "(WHIMPERING)" "(MOCK FARTING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "This is supposed to make me funny?" "Not until you can snatch this pebble from my hand, grass whopper." "(YELLING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(AMUSED SIGH)" " I never get tired of that one." " Hilarious." "A great Zen master once said, or was it W.C. Fields?" "At any rate, "Comedy is tragedy happening to someone else."" "Well, I don't do tragedy." "In that case, what you need is more of this." " More of what?" " More humility, oh rotund one." "Uh-huh." "It's only when one humbles himself before an audience that he's able to ascend to a higher plane of humorous enlightenment." "Remember, it's about the audience, not you." "Humor is in the ear of the beholder." "Do all you people talk gibberish out here?" "You really haven't been paying attention, have you?" " What do you mean?" " Every step along your journey, there has been a lesson to be learned." "If you were listening..." "Look, Freddy, it's been nice meeting you and all, but I am way behind schedule here." "Follow me, oh one who is great of girth." "(ODIE GIGGLING)" "(GARFIELD GROWLING)" "(HUMMING)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What's going on here?" "A test in humility that even one such as yourself will understand." "You're on the Bridge Over Truthful Waters." "Tell the truth, and you will pass unharmed." "And just what is that supposed to mean?" " How would you describe your body?" " I have kind of a normal body, maybe a little on the stout side." "(SPUTTERING)" "Okay, okay, I admit it." "I'm chubby." "Whoa!" "(SPUTTERING)" "I'm fat." "Okay, I'm fat." " How fat are you?" " Come on!" "Uh-uh." "Okay, okay." "I'm so fat, every time I go to the beach, the tide comes in." "Hmm." "I'm so fat, I never knew that "I could eat a horse" was just an expression." "I'm so fat, one time I got on a Ferris wheel and two guys on top starved to death." "(SIGHS)" "Very well done." "That was very funny." " What's so funny about being fat?" " Self-deprecating humor is funny." "If you share your humanity with your audience, they'll share their affection with you." "Remember, it's better for someone to have laughed at your expense than never to have laughed at all." " So what now?" " So now give me a hug." " A hug?" " Just do it, you big lug." "I'm very proud of you." "You've taken one step on a very long road." " Is there gonna be a lot of this?" " Just this once." "(SIGHS)" "Okay, so, where's the funny water?" "It is there." "(GASPING)" " Is this another riddle?" " No, seriously, it's up there." " Is nothing easy?" " Nothing worth having." "Hmm." "I reckon not." "Well, thanks, old man." "See you later!" " Bye." " Good luck to you, oh tabby for two." "(ODIE GIGGLING)" "(GARFIELD GROWLING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "I hope you are all enjoying the show." "And now, please welcome to the stage" "Jeff, the dancing gate guard." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(SINGING) I'm Jeff the dancing gate guard I'm sure that you'll agree" "The way I dance and sing will make you want to vote for me" "(GASPING)" "(GASPING) Just one more." "(GRUNTS)" "Welcome, super-size one." "BOTH:" "Huh?" "(PANTING)" " How did you get up here?" " I took the elevator." "(BELL DINGING)" "You didn't tell me there was an elevator." " You didn't ask." " What?" "Humor is all about questions, donut dopper." "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "Hey, why the long face?" " Anyone here from Cleveland?" " May I drink the funny water now?" " If you think you still need it." " Still need it?" "Why do you think I came all this way?" "Not to drink it?" "I think that everything you need is inside you." "You guys and your riddles!" "If you really think you need the funny water, then here." "Cool!" "Thanks." "Yes!" "(HUMMING)" "(SIGHS)" "Say, this stuff tastes a little funny." "Funny!" "We get it." "Very good." "I think it's starting to take effect already." "(WHOOPING)" "You must understand that drinking the funny water alone will not fully prepare you for creating the kind of comedy you're capable of creating." "(BARKING LIKE A SEAL)" "(GASPS)" "(GASPS)" "Oh, my gosh, Odie, we gotta go." "Fun Fest has started." "Thanks for everything, Freddy, but we gotta run." "Now!" "I don't think you're quite ready yet." "I'm as ready as I'll ever be, pops." "Come on, Odie!" "(ODIE BARKS)" "One moment, my large charge." "BOTH:" "Huh?" "If you really must leave, you'll need something that will assure you swift passage to the Fun Fest." " What do you suppose it is, Odie?" " I don't know." "Maybe it's a charm with magical flying powers." "Or maybe it's a flying carpet or a winged dragon that will fly us right to the studio, where we'll arrive to cheering throngs." "Look!" "Oh!" "FREDDY:" "Give me a hand with this, will you?" "BOTH:" "Huh?" "(RUMBLING)" "We're gonna die!" "There you go!" "This hang glider will get you to the Fun Fest in a flash." "Are you sure we won't crash?" "Every flight ends in a crash, my chubby child." " Some are just a little worse than others." " That's a comforting thought." "Well, off you go before you lose what little nerve you have." "Thanks for everything, Freddy." "I'll always be grateful." "I still don't think you're ready." "I think I would've rather taken my chances with the flying dragon." "We're gonna push off on the count of three, okay?" "Uh-uh." "Why not?" "Oh, you can only count to two." "Yeah." "Okay, Odie, on the count of two." "One, two." "(GRUNTING)" "(ODIE HOWLING)" " Odie!" "Do you know how to fly this thing?" " No." "Oh, boy, are we stupid!" "Well, let's try something." "(YELLING)" "(PANTING)" "We're gonna live." "(YELLING)" "Oh, stomach, don't fail me now." "(WHOOPING)" "I think we got it." "All right." "(ODIE BARKING)" "(YAWNING) Oh!" " So long!" "Goodbye!" " Come back soon!" "GARFIELD:" "Bye-bye!" "Ooh!" " Bye!" " Bye!" " See ya!" " Bye, Stan!" "Thanks for all the help." "(ODIE GRUNTS)" "And now, ladies and gentlemen, a kitty who is almost as talented as me." "Please welcome to the stage, Jackie." "(CHEERING)" "Good evening, gentles and ladlemen." " There it is, Odie." "The studio!" " Wow." " Are you ready to make a grand entrance?" " Yeah." "Yeah." " Any idea how to land this thing?" " No." "No." "Then let's aim for something big, like the street." "Left, left." "Whoa!" "Look out!" "Look out!" "Over the guard gate." "Through the guard gate." "How about the parking lot?" "Or not." "(YELLING)" "The studio!" "Let's dot the I." "(GRUNTING)" "So much for a grand entrance." "JACKIE:" "For my first number," "I'd like to sing something from my latest album." "(SINGING) You only got me when you got me" "You only squeeze me when you squeeze me" "Thank you, thank you, I love you all." "Thank you." "And good luck to you in the competition." "Please, one more hand for the funny kitty." "(CHEERING)" "Why, that cheesy cougar." "I'm supposed to be the MC." "(ODIE GRUNTS)" "Our next act, the one and only Garfield!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(GASPING)" "Quick, Odie." "We gotta find a way to get down there." " Charles!" " Eli!" "Where's Garfield?" "I don't know." "Garfield!" "He's here!" "He's here!" "(AWKWARD CHUCKLE)" "Lazy cats." "They're always late, aren't they?" "Never to be counted on." "Psst!" "Psst!" "He's here!" "It appears Garfield is only a moment away." "For now, you will all have to be content gazing upon my beauty." "(SIGHING)" " It's about time." " Come on, Odie." "Where've you been?" "Getting funny, buddy boy, at the Fountain of Funny." " Just wait till you see me out there." " Well, you'd better hurry." "(ODIE LAUGHS)" "Just one more sip of this, and I'll be good to go." "(GASPING) What?" " What's wrong?" " I'm toast." "There goes Fun Fest, there goes everything." " What are you talking about?" " My funny water's gone." "I can't go on." "(SIGHS)" "Garfield!" "(SIGHING)" "(ODIE WHIMPERS)" " Eli!" "What happened to Garfield?" " I don't think he's coming." "He's not coming, move on with the show." "Well, it looks as if we'll be moving on to our last act of the evening." "(MURMURING)" "Ladies and gentlemen, you are going to be treated to the tango, performed by the lovely Arlene and yours truly just for you, so sit back and enjoy." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SIGHING)" "(ARLENE SIGHING)" "(CHEERING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "(GASPS)" "(SIGHING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "(MOCK YAWNING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Huh?" "(SIGHS)" "Garfield." "(SIGHING)" "Nice going, Garfield." "You really did it this time." "You had it all, pal." "(SIGHS)" "My humor's gone, Odie, and my girl is gone, all because..." "Because I'm, I'm..." "I'm sure there's a word for it." "Arrogant?" "Conceited?" "Egotistical?" "Self-centered?" "Difficult?" "A prima donna?" " What are you doing here?" " I came to see how my student is doing." "I flunked my final." "That's how I'm doing." "Now, I'd just like to be left alone." "Back at the pond, I said you weren't ready yet." "I'll be ready and raring to go if you give me some more of that funny water." "(SIGHS) That wouldn't do any good." " Why not?" " Because funny water is just water." " What?" " Just plain H2O, water!" " But the book, the map." " That's just a story." "But the funny water works." "I felt funnier after I drank it." "You felt funny because you are funny." "I tried to tell you." "It was inside you all along." "It was never about the water." "It was about your journey." "BOTH:" "Huh?" "Stan the squirrel taught you to be honest with your audience." "Junior the bear taught you to follow your heart." "And the alligators, humility." " Odie knew." " Yeah." "Garfield, you forgot to entertain." "You were working so hard at trying to win, you forgot to make the audience laugh." "You forgot to follow your heart." "Follow my heart." "Yeah." "I'm gonna have to try a lot harder next time." "Well, there may not be a next time." "Hmm." "(ARLENE GASPS)" "(LAUGHS)" "(ARLENE SQUEALING)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "(SQUEALING)" "(GASPING) Huh?" "Huh?" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Whoa!" "(GROWLS)" "(FRIGHTENED GASPS)" "(RAMÓN LAUGHING)" "Huh?" "(EXCLAIMING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(GASPING)" "(ALL GASPING)" "Oh, no!" "GARFIELD:" "I'm okay, Eli." "(ALL CHEERING)" "You!" "Shall we?" "(GROWLING)" "ARLENE:" "Thank you, Garfield." "(ALL GASPING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Huh?" "Yikes!" "Your arm." "(SCREAMS)" "You!" "(RAMÓN LAUGHING)" "Huh?" "Do it for the character, Arlene." "Keep dancing." "GARFIELD:" "Gotcha!" "(YELLING)" " Arlene!" " Garfield!" "Huh?" "(ARLENE SCREAMS)" "(GASPS)" "Hmm." "(SCREAMING) What's happening?" "(GRUNTING)" "(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)" " Nermal!" " Nermal!" " Nermal?" " Nermal?" " Nermal?" " Nermal?" "(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Who is this Nermal of which you speak?" "Why I oughta... (AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Hmm?" "(GARFIELD GROWLS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Disgusting!" "Hit it!" "(THEME PLAYING)" "(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ARLENE SIGHING)" " Arlene, I'm sorry." " Sorry?" "For not saying I'd dance with you to begin with." "I should've realized this is more important than winning Fun Fest." "Who says we won't win?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Yay!" "Yay!" "(WHOOPING) All right, buddy!" "Yeah!" "(LAUGHING)" "Way to go, Garfield!" "Judges?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Never seen perfect scores before." "Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of Fun Fest, Garfield and Arlene!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I got it!" "Next year I'll be Pierre, the flaming-baton-twirling cabaret singer, no?" "(ODIE GROANS)" "Congratulations!" "This is for you." "(NARRATOR READING)" "Yahoo!" "Subtitles by LeapinLar"