"Oh, look at that bag." "It's a disaster." "Looks like it's about to give birth." "Yeah, the chicken tikka is definitely crowning." "You tipped that guy, didn't you?" " Had to." " Had to?" "What do you mean you had to?" "This is take-out." "A man moved a bag three feet, and he managed to do that terribly." "Stuff was falling out." "Half our condiments are in my pocket." "Mitch, if you don't tip, it's 'cause you got bad service." "If I don't tip, it's because I'm black." "There's a Black Tax." " "Black Tax"?" " Black Tax." "Is this one of those things that you make up to make me feel stupid?" "Because I checked, and Booker T. Washington did not invent mayonnaise." "How many people you tell?" "Wow, what took you so long?" "Sadie and I have an elaborate bedtime routine." "I say love ya, no one above ya."" "Then she says, "Miss ya, miss ya, just wanna kiss ya." "Then I say, "Adore you, adore you, just want more of you."" "God, I wish I wasn't her favorite." "Don't worry." "One day she'll hate you." "Now, you gotta help me pickut a new car for me and Russell." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" "Mitch can't know you're in the market for a new car, 'cause he's gonna want to negotiate the deal." "And I don't want him to?" "I don't want him to." "He gets obsessed." "Look, any time he thinks someone's out to take advantage of you..." "He's determined to fight back." "Yes." "According to Mitch, the worst offenders of them all are car salesmen." "Bad news, Whitey found out about the mayonnaise." " Aww, man." " Aw, we had a good run." "Yeah, food's getting cold." "Are we gonna..." "What's going on here?" " Nothing." " Nothing at all." "It's not porn, 'cause the only time you see two women watch porn together is in porn." "No, it is porn." "Some sick stuff." "Big 'ol cans." "Girls don't say "cans."" "What's going on?" "You had us pick up the food because your car broke down." "It's ten years old." "You guys are in the market for a new car!" " Damn it." " Oh, yeah!" "Scoot over." "We're building our friends a car." "Guys don't say "scoot."" "♪ Don't look now ♪" "♪ I said don't look now ♪" "♪ 'Cause here we are ♪ ♪ Living the best days of our lives ♪" "Heated seats, check." "Premium audio, check." "Extended warranty..." " I'm offended by the question." " Wow, he is really into this." "Yeah, Mitch thinks that car dealers..." "They're liars and d-bags." "Look at his eyes." "They're crazy." "There's no soul in there." "Mitch, you think you can get us our Winter Gray?" " Angie!" " Sorry, Trace, you married him." "We just want to exploit him." "Hold on, hold on, this is our first big purchase as a married couple." "The best person to negotiate this deal is the man of the house." "I can get us plenty off the sticker price." "[condescending laugh] First of all, you don't negotiate down from the sticker." "You negotiate up from the invoice." "Pretty condescending from a guy who thought" "Booker T. Washington invented mayonnaise." "Do as I say, and I will save you at least $2,600." "The man of the house has made his decision!" " You are helping us buy that car." " Yes!" "And for that service, I feel obliged to tell you that Flip Wilson was not the first black congressman." "No!" "If Mitch can work his magic with our car deal, maybe I can join that expensive gym you're always raving about." "If you want to save money on a gym," "I got this pretty sweet thing I do there." "It's called stealing." "Oh, just look pretty and build your hybrid." "You know how white people think all non-white people look alike?" "Last week I got asked for John Legend's autograph." "Continue." "All right, I could've spent a ton of money to join that gym, but instead, I found another ethnically ambiguous woman who's already a member." "So now I share a membership with Ms. Nancy Phuong." "So you both use the same photo ID?" "She's as hot as you?" "Oh, who's to say?" "But no one ever stops us even though we look nothing alike." "In fact, the only thing that we have in common is that we're both making racism work for us." "She's not even Filipina." "When I first met you, I thought you were Latina." "A lot of people think she's just tan." "Well, I thought you were wherever The Rock is from." "Guys, back me up." "How brilliant is my gym scam?" "Sweetie, you just called it a scam." "This woman looks nothing like you." "If Nancy Phuong committed a crime, you wouldn't even be stopped for questioning." "They'd stop me, though." "Cops." "I can't do this." "Ugh, is this a God thing?" "Uh, yeah, sweetie." "Unlike some people in this conversation, Angie has an operational moral compass and is uncomfortable with the notion of stealing." "Oh, I'm down with stealing." "Me too, I haven't paid for a grape in seven years." "It's just, whenever I try to cheat the system," "I get caught." "I sweat." "I start talking too much." "She starts clapping her hands for no reason." "Oh, remember that time we brought outside food into the movie theater?" "You didn't get caught." "You surrendered your log of cookie dough, and then you hid behind a foam minion." "Because that man was onto me." "That man was a 16-year-old boy and all he said was, "Enjoy the movie."" "We were going down!" "See?" "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do tomorrow, Mitch." "I'm getting my good friend Angie a discounted gym membership, whether you like it or not." "Go for it." "And while you are breaking the law," "I will be saving our dear friends a pile of honest money on a new car, in a moral, ethical way." "I love it." "It's a bet." "We'll see who can save them more." "And whoever loses has to give back rubs for a week." "You are on." "But I don't want some half-assed back rub that's gonna lead to sex after five minutes." " I want a legit back rub." " Weird, but I accept." " So, are they just betting on our lives?" " Pretty much." "My money's on Tan Girl." "My money's on Mayonnaise." "Stop eating those." " It's okay, they're free." " They're not free." ""Complimentary" means free." "If you eat that doughnut, on some subconscious level, you're going to feel like you owe them." "That bear claw's gonna cost us $1,200." "Well, then we're $3,600 deep in doughnuts." "Russell, everything here is designed to get us to let our guard down." "The doughnuts, the balloons, the..." " Can I help you guys find anything?" " No." "The hot saleswoman... more dangerous than doughnuts." "We're in enemy territory." "Every move we make is a potential land mine." "Why do you think I brought Sadie?" "Because she is your child, and it's your responsibility to take care of her?" "Wrong." "Because when the salesman says he has to go talk to his manager," "I say, "Make it quick, we're up against her nap time."" "I'm so close to ripping my shirt off." "Wait, wait, wait, why do you get complimentary coffee?" "Because I can handle it." "And it's freezing in here." "Yeah, I told you to bring a jacket." " I know." " You always get cold." " You never listen to me." " I know." "Look at this beautiful family." "Hi, I'm Glenn with two "Ns"." "My partner, Braxton, and I just adopted a little girl from Ethiopia." "Where is she from?" "Oh, oh, no, we're not..." "Her birth mother is from the Philippines." "Ooh, what about her?" "She can be your doppelganger." "Doppelganger... is that German for "twice my size?"" "Ang, we're on a mission here, if you don't lower the bar a little, you're gonna be paying twice the price like all these dummies." "What about her?" "She could be my mother!" "So she does look like you." "Are you saying we all look alike?" "What exactly is it you think we're doing here?" "Give us a sec, Glenn." "Someone seems a little cranky." "You know what'd make her happy?" "A new car." "[laughing] I'll be over here." "Okay." " What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "I'm about to save you a boatload on a car because Glenn with two "Ns"" "assumes that, like him, we're gay." "Mitch, I've been straight for 32 years, and that's not a streak that I'm looking to break." "Congratulations." "Look, I said car salesmen are ruthless." "We need to work any angle, exploit any weakness." "We're about to get the Gay Discount." " There's a Gay Discount?" " I don't know, but if there is, guess what handsome mixed-race couple is getting it." "You have to admit, there's an undeniable chemistry between us." "No one's refuting our undeniable chemistry." "I mean, when I zig, you zag." "Yeah, that's us." "I'm the zagger, you're the zigger." "It doesn't matter who's who." " I agree." " Yeah." "Hey." "Stop, stop touching me." " Stop touching me." " Shh, shh, shh, let this happen." " Mitch!" " Russell, babe." " Mitch." " Yes?" "No." "You have to understand, this whole thing makes me very uncomfortable." "Good, you need to live a little more dangerously." "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a much worse person than I am." "And you bring out the best in me." "There's certain things out that a man wants to do for his wife, okay?" "Kill spiders, hammer things, buy the family car." "Lord knows I'm scared of spiders." "I don't even think I own a hammer." "So I have to get a good deal on this car." "But doing it this way?" "I mean, I guess I'm an actor, so I should be able to, you know, step outside my comfort zone and live a little bit." "But I like my comfort zone." "That's why it's called a comfort zone!" "Can I have a doughnut?" "Maybe." "I don't know anymore!" "I don't know the rules." "Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever done?" "I can't tell you that." "Okay, what's the 12th worst thing you've ever done?" "Before I dated Mitch, I dated his dad." " Really?" " No!" " Oh." " I'm not that bad!" "What is wrong with you?" "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" "We're doing it." " Russell, Russell, Russell." " What?" "Couple things." "Glenn threw in GPS for free, because of the Gay Discount." "Oh, next, I'm gonna tell him how we met at Burning Man." "Burning Man?" "Do I look like the kind of guy that would hop in an RV with six semi-naked hippies, pop a Molly, and then build a bicycle out of Popsicle sticks?" "There's only so much I can do with you here sulking in the closet." "Look, if you really want an amazing deal," "I'm gonna need your help." " Wanna be man of the house?" " Yeah." "Then grow a pair and be gay for your wife." "Hey, guys, great news..." "I pulled some strings and I can get the Winter Gray that you wanted." "Now, will you be leasing or financing?" "Ask my boo." "He handles the money." "Ooh, what about her?" "Finally." "Okay, I'm doing it." "If this goes great, this afternoon, we're robbing a bank." "We'd been living together for two years when he finally came out to his parents." "Kind of a funny story." "Tell him." "I would not know where to begin." "[laughs]" "Mitchell says, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."" "And their reaction was so priceless." "Beverly looks at him and goes, "Does Russell know?"" "Uh, I knew!" "Adorable." "Isn't it?" "Anyway, what about this destination fee?" "Oh, I'm sorry, that's built in." "We're not allowed to waive it." "Not even for me and my roommate?" "Let me see what I can do." "Oh!" "I love everything about what you're doing." "I'm making the choice to play it real." "It's important to me that I don't perpetuate a stereotype." "You, my friend, have a gift." "Listen, we're taking a test drive." "While he shows us how great the car is, we show him how great we are, and we chip away at the price." "Look how motivated you are to get me a great deal." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'm all for saving you a bundle, but what I really need is my sex-free backrub." "So don't F that up." "It's game day, and I know how to bring it." "All: ♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪ ♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪" "Great sound system, right?" "Love it!" "I mean, it's... it's all right." "It's all right." "Let's test the power windows." "Ooh, smooth." "Welcome to Burger Willie's." "What can I get for ya?" "Fries and shakes for everyone." " You in, Glenn?" " Yeah, I don't know." "My manager doesn't like us eating during a test drive." "Both:" "Glenn..." "What the heck?" "Let's be bad." "That shake just got us a free moonroof." "Just so sweet." "Look at you!" "Look at you." "Ms. Maggie LaDonna Merriweather." "My heart is racing so fast." "I'm gonna count this as a workout." "Oh, no, this is just a warm-up to the real workout." "Let's do this." "Yeah, let's do this." "I can't do this." "I can't do it." "Angie." "Even if I could I would just wind up confessing to anyone who will listen." "It's what I do." "I just ate three PowerBars and I never watched "12 Years a Slave"!" "See?" "Unbelievable." "I know, I can't help how the Sweet Lord made me." " Thank you, Jesus." " No, no, is that Mitch and Russell?" "And is this what they do when they're out of the house?" "But it doesn't make sense!" "Why would there even be a dolphin on Old MacDonald's farm?" "Just enjoy the noise, Glenn." "[imitates dolphin]" "Uh-oh." "Oh, look what happened!" "Oh, Glenn, can you get her another balloon?" "Of course I can." "Come with me, little lady." " Okay, all right." " Okay." "What are you guys doing here?" "Hey, we saw you feeding each other french fries." "What gives?" "Okay, real quick..." "That salesman, who's gay with an adopted kid, thinks we're also gay with an adopted kid, and apparently, there's a Gay Discount." "My life partner and I are about to get you leather seats at cloth prices." "Ooh, I totally support gay marriage." "Actually, we just call it marriage." "Babe, if you blow our cover, I win the bet." "You are breaking the rules." "This wasn't the bet." "You made a big stink about being honest, and now you're pretending to be a marginalized minority." "I'm just doing the same thing you are." "I'm using discrimination to my advantage." "You're not gay." " I am Asian." " Pfft, barely." " And I'm kicking your butt." " Says who?" "Says the fact that you aren't in a gym right now." "Guess who got you the car in Winter Gray with free GPS?" " My man." " Uh, hello?" " What's going on here?" " I don't believe this." "You've just wrecked everything we've worked for." " Glenn, this is his wife." " Ex-wife." "And she just won't get the message!" "It's over!" "Accept that." "I'm with him now, and we are very, very happy." "Babe, I know you're upset." "I'm yours, completely." "She means nothing to me." "Aw, Button." "You heard him." "Take your friend and go." "Okay." "Well, I hope you guys have all the happiness that I apparently wasn't able to give to you." "And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for." "Like tinted windows." "Front and rear." "We're going." "But just know, what you two are doing..." "Not okay." "I mean..." " Wow, you guys have been through a lot." " Yeah." "I'm waving the destination fee, because you, my friends, have arrived." "Ah. [chuckles]" "Why are we back here?" "I can't do this." "You can." "You just did it beautifully." "You played the jilted, unstable, somewhat stalker-y ex-wife of a gay man." "I want you to use that same skill set to help you conquer your fears and empower you in all the ways that you deserve." "And to help you win your bet." "Go, women!" "I am primed." "I am ready." "I am sweating a lot." "Yeah, you're like a tiny Shaquille O'Neal." "You'll be fine." "Just follow my lead." "Hi." "Hi, welcome back, Mrs. Phuong." "Hi, Howard, it's me, Maggie, again." "Twice in one day." "I know, but damn if I'm not gonna look good for my niece's wedding." "Save it for the toast, Maggie." "[laughs nervously]" "Whoa, whoa, hold on." "Listen..." "Don't you want a towel?" "I don't pay all this money not to get a towel." "Yes, I would like a towel." "All right, I just need to get my manager's A-okay." "I don't think I'm making any money on this deal, but, you know what?" "It's for you guys." "Well, it's for all of us, really." " [phone ringing]" " Ooh." "Ooh, it's Braxton." " Don't let your man go to voice-mail." " Never." "Hang on a sec." "Hey, babe." "What?" "Oh, no, I'm so sorry." "[sighs] Can we talk about it tonight?" "Yeah." "I love you too." "Ugh, sorry." "Braxton didn't get the promotion." " Oh." " Aww." "I knew he shouldn't have put the picture of us up in his office." "Let's get this deal squared away." "I'd like our team to win one today." "Wow, this just got real." "We can't do this." " Can't do what?" " We're not gay anymore." "Okay, you can't just choose to not be gay." "No, Russell, we're not gay." "Oh, oh, oh, we're gay." "Mitchell Cooper, you made a promise to me in front of our friends, family, and a minister in Sonoma." "You are not walking out on me right now." "Yeah, this has definitely gone too far." "Mitch, do not blow this." "We are so close to an incredible deal here." "Yeah, but at what cost?" "Theirs, literally." "Exactly, we're taking money away from Glenn and Braxton, and their Ethiopian daughter, Melody." "She's out of Ethiopia." "She's fine." "Whew." "Can't believe it worked." "How great is racism?" "Yeah, you know what?" " I can't do this." " What?" "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna give that Howard a piece of my mind." "Oh, no, you're not." "You're gonna stay right here." "You know, you and I are basically a gay couple." "We would be if you'd let us be." "No, I'm not talking about just today." "I'm talking about every day." "There's no difference between what we do and what a gay couple does." "Well, there's one obvious..." "Yeah, but that's the only difference." "And yet Braxton can't even have a photo of him and Glenn in his office without paying a price." "You remember the Black Tax?" "There's a Gay Tax." "And because we don't pay that tax, we don't deserve that discount." "Okay, okay, but hear this." "You came in here to stick it to a car salesman because they're all crooks." "And if you don't stick it to Glenn simply because of his sexual orientation, you, my friend, are discriminating against him" " just as much as..." " Russell, give it up." "Yeah, I don't believe me, either." "What are you doing?" "Get off of me!" "Come on, go women." "Trace, all day long, I thought I'd get caught." "I mean, I should've gotten caught." "But I realized that I don't wanna work the system." "I want to change it." "Okay, Angie, you are not on the steps of the Capitol." "You are on an elliptical machine in the deep Valley." "I know, but the thing is, you gotta make a difference where you are." "Makes sense." "I hate that you're a better person than me." "[clears throat]" "Glenn, we have something we have to tell you." "And I just want to remind you about the journey the three of us have been on today." "Okay." "Mitch and I, we're not..." "We're not leaving here without the extended warranty." " We're not?" " We're not." "You can't put a price on peace of mind." "He just did. $1,200." "I thought we were gonna tell him that..." "We want the LoJack, the cargo rack, and rust-proofing." "Rust-proofing?" "We live in the freaking desert." "Sweetie, I want to give you everything, including the tire warranty." "[chuckles] [bleep] it." "I'm eating a doughnut." "The doughnuts are complimentary." "They're not." "Excuse me, Howard, I just wanted to tell you that I'm not Maggie LaDonna Merriweather." "I'm Angela Hopkins Logan." "We black women are not all the same." "Just like all Asian women are not the same." "But no one here has noticed that she has been sharing an ID for the better part of six months." "[laughs] I don't know that woman." "So, yes, Howard," "I'm sharing an ID, and that's stealing." "But the real crime here is your failure to distinguish between two very different people." "Um, I'm Neil." "That's Howard." "Run, Nancy, run!" "Again, I'm sorry." "Aw, j-just say something." "I want a divorce." "For the record, I did get him the deal of a lifetime." "Until you didn't." "And everything was going fine with my plan until "mrr-mrr" decided to confess to the wrong white boy." "Okay, which one of us helped you the most?" "Are you kidding?" "You both screwed us." "Okay, fine, fine." "But which one of us screwed you less?" "Well, you got my wife banned from the gym." "And thanks to you, we have a Prius with a racing stripe." " So, tie?" " Tie." " Dinner is served." " [sighs]" "You tipped that guy again, didn't you?" "You have no right to question my actions."