"State of California Department of Motor Vehicles" "Next!" "What do you think?" "Should I smile or not smile?" "Let me see your smile." "You've seen my smile before." "I need to see it again!" "Don't smile!" "Geez!" "No, it's just that everybodys driver's license picture is horrible and if you gonna look horrible anyway, you don't wanna be standing there smiling like an idiot." "Good point." "I'll go with the serious look." "Let me see the serious look." "Can I see the smile again?" "Thanks for coming with me." "Hi, uh, excuse me." "I'd been standing here for two and a half hours and it's driving me crazy..." "Don't I know you?" "Me?" "Me?" "Uh..uh...no!" "I.." "I, I don't...." "I.... no!" "Interstate Bank, Lost and Found!" "Oh my god, that's right." "The sweater!" "Oh, and you found it, that's terrific!" "Thanks." "Did your checkbook ever turned up?" "Oh, yeah yeah yeah." "The highway patrol found it on a guy they shot." "On a corpse?" "Oh no no no no, he was still alive." "Oh, I see." "Good." "He died later." "Oh jesus." "Oh no no no no." "It was good and he only used two checks." " Hi." " Hi." " Hi, I'm Holly, by the way." " I'm Roger." "Hi Roger." " Hi." " Hi." "I'm Ellen." "Hi." "Next!" "Put your feet on the X!" "The front of the feet or..." "Put your feet on the X!" "Now smile!" "That's okay." "What?" "Thanks, really, but I don't wanna smile." "What?" "It's just that, you know it's gonna be a horrible picture...." "I mean, you don't, I don't mean your work, I'm sure you're good, but..." "Oh, come on." "I bet you got a pretty smile." "No, I appreciate it, but..." "Really?" "You think?" "I mean no." "I've, I've given it a lot of thought and I'm comfortable with my decision." "Okay, I just think it's a shame when a pretty girl like you doesn't want to smile." "Oh, for god's sake, would you just take the pic ture!" "Next!" "Hi, I'm trying to find out what would happen if uh..." "Hypothetically, I lost my driver's license..." "Yes, yes, I'll hold." "No." "When I said "person, place or thing" you said "person"." ""Underdog" is not a person!" "How can you say that "Underdog" is not a person?" "Because he's a flying dog!" "He's a talking flying dog!" "That makes him a person!" "No!" "It makes him a cartoon!" "So..." "So what, he's a thing?" "You're saying "Underdog" is a thing?" "No no no, I just wanna know what would happen, if one day I should happen to lose my driver's license, yes, I'll hold." "There, you've just gotten your driver's license." "Wow!" "Thank you." "No, it, it's not that bad....really!" "Is this right side up?" "Let me see!" "Let me..." "Yeah, I see." "And how much would that cost?" "Oh my god, what is wrong with you?" "That much, huh?" "What kinda face is that?" "!" "Okay, thank you." "Why would you make that face?" "Yeah, Anita, I made that face on purpose!" "How much to replace it?" "45." "Plus I have to take another day off from the bookstore, spend another 3 hours at the DMV..." "That's really an ugly face." "You know what?" "I happen to know that nobody's driver's license picture looks good." "Mine's okay." "I love mine." "What, are you naked in this?" "I wore a toop top and I've been pulled over five times and never got a ticket." "So..." "Isn't there anything else you'd like to report about the DMV?" "Oh my god, yes, Holly met a guy!" "I know." "His name is Roger Kunik." "You talked to Holly?" "No, I talked to Steve Pike, the guy I work with." "The guy with the chin?" "With the ears." "Ah..." "And he shares a house with Roger and he told me everything about him and I mean everything!" "Like what?" "Well, he's an attorney;" "very successful, he plays the guitar, he's a good athlet," "Steve says he's a big skier, and on the flip side I'm sorry to report that he uh..." "He irons his jeans." "He what?" "Yeah." "Oh, and he's not a pervert or anything, but apparently he does have a tendency to uh... to bark." "Excuse me?" "He barks?" "Yeah, he barks." "I don't get it." "You know like doing intercourse." "Oh, I can not believe you told us this!" "What kind of bark?" "You know, like, like a dog?" "He barks like a dog?" "No, it's uh, you know like "woo woo woo"!" "He barks like Arsenio Hall during intercourse?" "Oh no, you know what?" "No, it's good that I know this because now if she marries him and spends the rest of her life with him," "I'm gonna have to think about this every time they come over for a barbecue, and one day he's just gonna innocently ask me to pass the ketchup and I'm gonna say "I know!" "I know!" "I know about the barking!"" "Hey guys!" "Hey Holly!" " Hi!" "We were just talking about you." "Yeah, Ellen told us about the date!" "A date." "Holly, it's your first date in eleven months, I think we can refer to it as the date." "Okay, you guys, so you have to tell me the truth..." "Does this say desperate?" "I don't wanna say desperate." "Lonely is okay, needy I can live with, but, but, but not desperate." "It's perfect." "You look great." "Yeah, you look beautiful." "Woo woo woo!" "Over 2500 New Lower Prices" "Another exciting night at the bind back." "Look at this: "Woman's mother spontaneously combusts"." "It is so ridiculous..." "Gotta light 'em!" "I'm sorry ma'am, I think you've given me your husband's license." "Yeah." "Ellen Morgan, and I've lost my driver's license." "That is, it was stolen." "Tragically." "And uh, I need to make an appointment to re..." "Yes, I'll hold." "Yes, I'll hold." "Why do you build me up..." "Buttercup baby, just to let me down..." "And mess me around and then worst of all..." "Worst of all..." "You never call baby when you say you will..." "Say you will..." "But I love you still..." "I need you, I need you more than anyone, darling." "You know that I have from the start..." "So build me up..." "Build me up..." "Buttercup..." "Don't break my heart!" "Iiiiiiiiiiii need yoooooouuuuuuhuhuhuuuuuu...." "Oh, yes, uhu." "10.15, Tuesday." "Thank you." "Okay you guys, Holly's parking the car, so let me just get straight to the dirt!" "Oh, no..." "This is really awful." "Oh, you don't know the half of it!" "And I don't wanna know!" "I just get this, this ragged slimy feeling hearing about my friend's life behind her back like this." "Now see, I don't!" "Okay, hold on." "Really?" "Yeah." "Wow!" "Geez..." "Unbelievable!" "Goodbye Mr. Spolding!" "Alright, okay, what is it?" "What, you said you didn't wanna know." "But if you gonna tell him..." "Oh no, I think you should beg me." "I think you should say" ""I have no moral or ethical standards, I just really want to know the dirt"!" "Forget it!" "I have no moral or ethical standards, I just want to know the dirt!" "He had a good time, he had good conversation, good food, but she spent twenty minutes with a huge chunk of broccoli stuck to her face!" "Oh, thank you for that!" "Pointed out, or self-discovered?" "He had to point it out?" "How could she not notice?" "Did he do the face thing?" "Well, he said he did the face thing." "Hah, how do you not notice the face thing?" "Okay, okay, this is what I was afraid of." "Now, now she's gonna come in here and we're all gonna be uncomfortable and she's not gonna tell us what happened, so we've gonna have to act like we don't know what happened." "And if we really didn't know what happened, then we might innocently ask the kinds of questions that would lead her to admit to what happened, but since we know what happened we gonna be conscious to avoid" "those questions and she won't be able to tell us and the entire support of friends' dynamic is completly thrown out of whack!" "You're overthinking this." "I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!" "Look, Ellen, she's gonna be up here any second, let's just, just, just keep our mouths shut!" "Be supportive." "Alright, but act NORMAL!" "Like you don't know anything." "Just be yourself!" "Hey!" "Hey Holly!" "Sooo..." "How was the date?" "Holly..." "You're under no obligation to tell us anything about it." "It's none of our business, so if you don't wanna talk about it, you don't have to." "Sooo?" "It was fun." "Fun?" "Yeah..." "Fun." "He was very sweet..." "We had a lot to talk about..." "Good meal..." "Fun!" "That's great!" "So, were you comfortable?" "Was she comfortable?" "She just said that she had fun." "Fun is comfortable!" "Comfortable - fun, fun - comfortable." "They're interchangeable!" " Yeah, I was comfortable." " She was comfortable." "What did you have to eat?" "Who cares what she had to eat?" "She just said the meal was good, and I don't think we need to know what every bite tasted like, do you?" "!" "?" "I would just like to know what she had to eat." "Fish." "Fish!" "So, did you have the tuna or the swordfish?" "What is wrong with you people?" "!" "How was it?" "Were you comfortable?" "What did you have to eat?" "Questions, questions, questions!" "She's been through a major inter-gender ordeal here." "She needs our support, not an inquisition or do you have no sense of decency?" "!" "I had the tuna." "She had the tuna!" "Did you get a vegetable with that?" "Next!" "I just happened to be wearing this today." "It's funny 'cause it looks silly to wear something like this just to get your driver's license picture taken, but that's what I was wearing anyway." "Ha!" "You know what I find the most important thing to remember is?" "Don't let them catch you off guard!" "Whatever look you decide to go with, whether it's the, the smile or, or the serious look..." "Like that." "You gotta maintain it the whole time you're up there, otherwise they'll catch you with some goofy look an your face and that's when they take the picture." "It happened to me once." "Last Wednesday, actually..." "So, you gonna smile?" "Why wouldn't I smile?" "Next!" "Put your feet on the X!" "Okay." "Now smile!" "Oh what the hell!" "A pretty girl like me, huh?" "Okay, I'm ready." "Hello?" "Aha..." "Ahaa..." "Well, if he doesn't want to use the potty, put him in a diaper!" "Excuse me." "Well, if he doesn't want to wear a diaper, put him out in the yard with Bucky!" "Is this gonna be a while?" "Brandon?" "This is Daddy!" "Is the potty too scary again?" "Look, if you could just tell me if it's gonna be a while, I could wait right over th there!" "Next!" "What do you think?" "Hm?" "Oh." "Uh, the license, right." "Okay." "Uh, let's see." "Uh, now this was the first one... and this was the second one..." "What are you doing?" "I'm into this for 70 bucks I may as well go till I get it right." "Okay." "Llisten to this:" "After work tonight a bunch of us including that guy, Steve Pike, went out for beer..." "Hey, and before you say anything more, if you have any more dirt on Holly and Roger," "I don't want to hear it." "He's going to sleep with her and then he's going to dump her." "What?" "He's gonna dump her, are you sure?" "Yeah." "He says he doesn't see it going anywhere." "He says he doesn't feel that she has enough of a sense of her goals and direction in life!" "Goals and direction?" "So when's she getting the ads?" "Tonight." "Tonight?" "He's gonna sleep with her tonight and then he's gonna dump her tonight?" "Yeah." "I guess." "Oh my god!" "Men!" "Men are scum!" "What are we gonna do?" "Okay, Anita, think!" "Would he take her to his place or her's?" "To her's, to her's." "Steve's having people over." "Okay, let's go!" "Hey, wait!" "Hi, this is Holly..." "Yeah, hi Holly, it's Ellen." "Uh... uh..." "Whatever you do tonight, do not sleep with Roger!" "The guy is a lying, sneaking, slimy, scumy, slug of a... of a... of a slug!" "He's been going around behind your back and telling Steve everything about you, and I mean everything!" "Oh, and in case you don't believe me, we know that you had a big chunk of broccoli on your left cheek for twenty minutes during dinner at Luigi's." "Okay, call me!" "Bye." "Ellen..." "You're speeding." "I know I'm speeding, I'm in a hurry!" "We're almost there." "Good evening." "Registration and driver's license, please." "Driver's license?" "How many tickets are you writing there?" "It's not like I don't have a driver's license." "I have two!" "It's kind of a funny story, uhm..." "I was at the DMV..." "Department of Motor Vehicles..." "Of course you know that!" "A big, strong, handsome police man like you!" "And tall, too!" "Your crutch comes right up to my window..." "Hello!" "I'm talking to it!" "Can I get some fries with that ticket?" "Woo." "Woo, woo..." "Woo." "Woaaaahhh..." "I think we're too late." "Maybe they're just watching Arsenio." "What are we gonna do?" "I don't know, we've gotta think." "Oh my god, she's practically naked!" "I need some air." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Me too." "Yeah." "Oh boy!" "Holly, there's something that I have to tell you." "Oh my god!" "Wait." "Over the past week we had a lot of fun together but I, I have to be honest, I've been having some doubts." "He's going to break up!" "But tonight,... when I was with you... all of a sudden, it hit me." "I'm in love!" "I don't know what happened, but I, I feel that it must be destiny." "I love you, Holly." "I wanna be with you." "Always!" "Oh, Roger..." "Hey look, there's a message on my machine." "Hi!" " Hi!" " Hi!" "Hi!" "What are you guys doing here?" "Uh, we came to...uh...to borrow something..." "Yes, to borrow something." "To borrow something?" "This candle stick!" "And this lamp!" "Oh, and we uh, needed to borrow that, the answering machine." "Ouh..right!" "The answering machine!" "You wanna borrow my answering machine?" "If it's not too much trouble." "Uhm..." "Mine's broken..." "And uh... you're home, so you don't need it, and I'm, I'm out, so..." "Really?" "Hey, wait, wait, wait!" "What are you talking about?" "Just give it to me!" "No, why?" "I know what I'm doing!" "It's my machine!" "Oh, I'm Anita, by the way." "Hi!" "You're Roger." "Roger, hi!" "I'm Adam." "Hi!" "Nice to meet you!" "Uh, we've heard so much about you!" "Yeah." "A lot!" "Really?" "Good things I hope." "Very good!" "Oh my God!" "Just give it to me!" "No!" "Yeah, Holly, listen, it's Ellen." "That's you!" "What do you know?" "Whatever you do tonight, do not sleep with Roger." "The guy is a lying, sneaking, slimy, scumy, slug of a... of a of a slug!" "He's been going around behind your back and telling Steve everything about you, and I mean everything!" "Oh, and in case you don't believe me, we know that you had a chunk of broccoli on your left cheek for twenty minutes during dinner at Luigi's." "Okay, call me!" "Bye." "It certainly is awkward." "You talked to Steve?" "!" "You told that leering, butt-scratching bug about everything?" "!" "Oh, not everything..." "Get out, Roger!" "What?" "Out!" " Can I at least get my..." " No!" "Okay." "I can explain." "Oh, don't bother!" "Oh..." "Oh!" "I didn't tell you guys this but..." "I was gonna dump him tonight anyways." "You were?" "Yeah." "But I figured..." "I got him here..." "I could also sleep with him first." "Did you hear that?" "She was gonna dump him tonight anyway." "She was gonna dump him?" "She just wanted to sleep with him first." "Oh Holly, that's so great!" "Terrific!" "You're a little tramp!" "Oh my god!" "Women!" "Women are scum!" "Oh come on, Adam." "You know it's only a matter of time before the neighbours started complaining about that barking." "Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo..." "Woo." "Wooaah." "Transcript: a.n.n.i.e Timing:" "Rinu" "Contact: rinu@yurizoku.org" "Ellen 1x01" " Pilot"