"[suspenseful music playing]" "It..." "It's the Waffler!" "[screaming]" "I waffle... your head." "[sizzling] [whimpering]" "Breakfast any time." " [yelling] Yes!" " Can you please keep it down in there?" " [Bill] Sorry, Mom." " [Kevin] All right." "[crunching noise on TV] [kids scream]" " [sighs] Sorry about that." " Jesus, Sue, ever hear of a diaphragm?" "Anyway, congratulations." "You're the top Plast-A-Ware neighborhood sales" " liaison for September!" " [gasps] Gee, this is so special." "I haven't won anything since my high school softball team went to State." "Oh, my goodness." "Look at this." "What is it?" " It's a telephone answering machine." " A what?" "When you're not home, the machine will answer the phone and let the caller leave a message on cassette tape." "It helps me keep track of my orders." "And it's the official answering machine of NASA." " Oh, this must've cost a fortune." " Well, you earned it." " This is so cool." " Oh, man, it's like we're rich now!" "Well, you're all set." "Now you'll never miss a sales call, which could come in handy because we might have an opening soon for a part-time, level two sales manager." "[gasps] Level two?" "Wow." "Really?" "It's not definite yet, but it would be a couple days a week, and we'd pay you... with money." "[gasps] That would be wonderful." "But, oh, of course, I'd have to ask Frank about it." "Of course you would." "I'll keep my ear to the ground and let you know if the job opens up." "Who knows, maybe someday you might drive your own lime lady Lincoln!" "Oh, your husband seems to like mine." "Hey, Vic, did you park this pimpmobile in front of my house?" "Not me, kemo sabe, but that color rocks!" "It's mine, Frank, and I was just leaving." "[gasps] Victor?" "Look at you, all grown up." "Oh, my sweet Jesus, it's Miss Saunders." "I can't believe my eyes." " You two know each other?" " Oh, yeah." "Miss Saunders was my lunch lady at Eisenhower High." "And he was my special after-school helper." "Remember how we "cleaned the kitchen"?" "Yeah, you "fucked the shit outta me."" "Jesus Christ, Vic, show some respect!" "Sorry, neighbor, it's not me speaking, it's my Chi." "[blows kiss] [starts engine] Bye, Sue." "Honey, I got some big news for you." "Big!" "Gather around, kids!" "Mr. Dunbarton, the CEO of Mohican Airways, awarded your father the "Tie Tack of Excellence," given only to..." " Mommy won an answering machine." " A what?" "Um... [nervous chuckle]" "It's like a robot that answers your phone." "It's nothing, really." " It cost 180 bucks." " Jesus." "Mm, I'm sure they buy them in bulk." "So what were you saying?" "I want to hear all about your tie clip." "Tie tack." "It's the highest award given to only a select f..." " Wow, this thing has two tapes!" " How do they do that?" "Christ, you people don't even give a shit, do ya?" "Let's eat." "I'm a mockery in my own goddamn house." "I might as well go sleep in the basement." "Well, before you do, I have a little bit of news." "Vivian..." "[phone ringing]" "Ah, shit, every time we go to sit down!" "I'll tell you right now I'm not answering it!" "You don't have to!" "The machine will." "[robotic voice] Leave a message at the tone." "Here we go, our first message." "[beep]" "[Bob] ...what kind of fucking contraption this is, but I'm looking for Frank Murphy!" "Whoever's hearing this, you tell Frank that his boss," "BobPogo,needshim  back at the airport now!" "His union pals are staging a goddamn slow-down!" "He promised me he'd put those baggage donkeys back in their pen!" " What a lovely gift, Sue." " Hello?" "!" " Hooray for us." " You tell him to get here now!" "Not tomorrow, not ten minutes from now, but right goddamn now!" "[labored breathing] Fucking eczema everywhere." "[up-tempo song playing]" "[grunts, screams]" "1x04 - "F" Is For Halloween" " Yep." "I love me a good slow-down." " Man, this is nothing." "Did I ever tell you about the Slow-Down of '63?" "We didn't start it till '64." "[all chortling]" "What the hell's going on here?" "While you're pulling this little stunt," "I've got two plane-loads of drunk Shriners and crippled kids in Baggage Claim screaming at me." "Hurry it up!" "Bob, my union brothers are working just as fast as Mohican Airways has responded to our request for a new contract." "And to think I once gave you one of my old suits." "And I appreciated that." "I used it to upholster my couch." "And two chairs." "And with the leftover material, I made a cover for my pool." "[giggling]" "OK, Bob, I'm here." "What's going on?" "Murphy, you tell these ingrates that if they don't stop this illegal slow-down... [grunting] [stomach sloshes] ...I will put them out on the..." "Oh, God." "I'm in a blood sugar free-fall." "I gotta get a Ring Ding or a Pixy Stix. [exhales] [gasping, exhales]" "Is my foot on the gas pedal?" "I got the numbies." "Here you go." "[tires screech]" "I'm going backwards!" "[crashing]" "Rosie, come on, man, a slow-down?" "It's just gonna make the company dig their heels in harder." "Oh." "Well, did Dunbarton tell you that at the country club when you were gargling on his nuts?" "Jesus Christ, it was one football game." "Come on, I want to help you guys out." "You want to help?" "Tell your buddy Dunbarton this:" "if we don't have a fair contract by midnight on Christmas Eve, the entire membership of this union will go on strike." "Christmas is our busiest time, that'll kill the airline." "You've got some work to do." "And you?" "You just sit on your ass and do nothing." "This is good." "We can work on our screenplay for Fuck School." "According to this book I read, somebody's gotta fuck in the first ten pages." "[male announcer on TV] Stan Steigerwald misses an easy spare!" "He just lost the championship!" "Oh-ho-ho!" "You piece of shit!" "Dad, I can't concentrate on my homework when" " you're screaming at the TV!" " This is how I relax!" "Blowing a shot like that can drive a man to drink." "I tell ya, Ern, I don't like to drink and drive, but when I have to, I drink White House beer." "White House beer, the one draft you won't want to dodge!" "Kids, I brought down the costume box." " Yay!" " I love Halloween." "It's like Christmas for kids." " That's the one I want." " I don't care." "Me and Phillip are gonna trick-or-treat together." "Nickel and Pickle." " That's queer." " You're queer!" "God!" "I'm trying to do better at school like you want me to, and I've got two days to finish this homework or I flunk out!" "Then I have to go get some shitty job at the airport or sell my body at the bus station." "I can't think in this goddamn house!" "[door slams] [mimics Dracula] I want to suck your blood in space." "Princess, take that off now." "There's no girl astronauts..." "or vampires." "Women will be astronauts in the future, sweetie." " Sue, why do you lie to the girl?" " Frank, I gotta make some deliveries." "Can you hold down the fort while I'm gone?" "Yeah, yep, sure." "[door opens, closes]" "Hey!" "Hey, where you going?" "You're just gonna leave me alone with these animals?" " You leave them with me." " Yeah, but that's our deal." "You knew what you were getting into when you let me get into you." " Gross!" " We are having a private conversation!" "You're in the front yard!" "I can't work out here, either!" "I need a sanctuary for learning!" "[door slams] [engine starts]" "You're still going?" "I think you can handle being a mom for half an hour." "Ah, Christ." " Breakfast anytime!" " Cut the shit!" "All right, brush your teeth and go to bed." "It's still light out." "We're playing a new game called "Summer in Alaska."" "Come on, let's go!" "Let's go, go to bed." "Oh, man, now you're just screwing with me!" "[phone ringing]" "Sweet dreams." "[answering machine beeps]" "Sue, it's Vivian from Plast-A-Ware." "Can you pick up?" "It's important." "Ah, Christ, she's relentless." "Shut up." "[voice echoes over machine] This is her husband." "Sue isn't home." "Oh, well, hello." "How are you?" "[electronic feedback] I'm great." "What do you want?" "Ah, shit, hang on a sec." "Well, a part-time job has opened up at Plast-A-Ware, and I wanted to offer Sue the position." "Tell Sue to call me with her answer, which I hope is yes!" "OK, uh, yeah." "Uh, she-she did mention that to me, and it, uh, breaks my heart to tell you, but, uh... she decided to turn it down." " Really?" " Afraid so." "She said there's no job more important than being a mother to three beautiful miracles." "[floor squeaks] [softly] Get back in your room before I put you through that fucking wall!" "Oh." "Oh, that's too bad." "She seemed real excited about it." "Yeah, she was just being polite to an older lady." "Her words, not mine." "Hm." "So sorry to hear that." "I'll move on to the next candidate." "Yeah, you do that." "Bye." "Ah, Christ, who put syrup on the phone?" "[bell rings] [principal over PA] School is now over for the day." "Have a safe and happy Halloween." "I can't wait to start trick-or-treating!" "I hear the Malloys are giving out full-size candy bars 'cause last year they gave out dog biscuits and their house got TP'd." "[owl hooting] [dog howls in distance]" "There's a werewolf!" "[howling continues]" "If I die, tell my mom I touched the soft spot on my brother's head when he was a baby." "I think that's why he can't read!" "Check it out, I can make this cat sound like a wolf." "[howling sound, low growl] [yowling] Aw!" "That musical kitty was our ticket outta this shithole." "We was gonna be on Midnight Special." "Oh, I thought we were gonna die before we got to wear our Nickel and Pickle costumes." " Costumes?" " [shrieking] Get lost!" "[voice trembling] Hey, Jimmy." "I like your costume." "[stammers] Are you going as a hobo?" "These are my Sunday clothes, dick licker!" "They're from the Johnny Carson collection!" "And trick-or-treating is for femmes!" "If I catch you two dressing up tonight," "I'll skin you alive and make your pelts into a comforter and I'll fuck your mom on it." "And she'll say, "Ooh, that's the best pelt-fucking I ever got, Jimmy."" " My mom wouldn't do that." " I will gut you!" "[boys gasp]" "Yeah, that's it, run away!" "I'll be watching!" "[chuckles]" "I know things are strained between us since I moved into management, but I'm still one of you, and I'm gonna make sure your best interests are represented at the contract talks." " Did Bob Pogo tell you to say that?" " [scoffs] Pogo." "He's so fat, he's gotta use a garden hose and a hand-mirror to wipe his ass." " Eh?" "Am I right?" " You are not right." "He uses extra-soft, double-ply toilet paper that's in the executive bathroom, when all we get is the kind that comes out one square at a time." "And there ain't no divider between the shitters!" "They took a beautiful thing and made it ugly." " That sucks!" " OK, OK, OK." "Those are all legitimate grievances." "And I hear you, but the industry is changing whether we like it or not, and there has to be compromises on both sides." "I'm dealing with change in my own life." "For instance, my wife just got this new answering machine, and at first I was afraid of it, but now..." " She got a who?" " It's called an answering machine." "It answers the phone for you and records messages." " But my point is..." " You mean there's like a little robot inside that picks up the phone and goes... [mimics robot bleeps] Aw, man." "You dumbasses, that's not how it works." "Frank, how does it work?" "[crickets chirring]" "Good, you're home." "Help me put this cat costume on Major." " He's getting bitey." " Do it yourself." "I'm not going out tonight." " I don't feel well." " Mm, your forehead's cool." "Take a little nap." "After that, you'll feel like trick-or-treating." "I think I just grew out of it." "[line ringing] [Frank] Fellas, we're about to call the answering machine the astronauts took to the Moon." "[low murmurs]" "OK, when you hear the beep, leave me a message." "[answering machine beeps] Hello, there." "You are a shit-eating scab turncoat." "It's for Dad!" "[chortling]" "Yeah, yeah." "It's funny because we're friends." "OK, OK, so then you hang up the phone, you call back, and with this little beepy thing, we can hear your message." "[machine rewinding]" "[Bob] ...put those baggage donkeys back in their pen!" "Oops. [chuckles] Went back too far." "[Frank] It, uh, breaks my heart to tell you, but, uh... she decided to turn it down." " [Vivian] Really?" " [Frank] Afraid so." "She said there's no job more important than being a mother to three beautiful miracles." "Wow, it records everything you say." "I am dead." "I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!" " I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead." " Mister, I can't find my mommy." "Get the fuck outta my way!" "I'm dead." "I'm dead." "I'm dead." "I'm home!" "Honey?" "Are you here?" "'Cause we're going out to dinner!" " Oh, boy!" " [Vivian] I'm so sorry to hear that." "I'll move on to the next candidate." "[Frank] Yeah, you do that." "Bye." "Ah, Christ, who put syrup on the phone?" "[answering machine beeps]" "So, uh... you listened to it, huh?" "OK, OK, you have every right to be mad at me." "So it's all right if you need a few minutes to yourself before you start making dinner." "[starts engine]" "That's it, yeah!" "Sure!" "Get some air." "I understand." "Drive down to the end of the block and come right back!" "Of course!" "[yelling] You can't leave me alone with these kids!" "I won't survive!" " Ah, Christ." " [Maureen] Where's Mommy going?" "She's supposed to help me with my Halloween costume." "[stammers] I..." "Halloween." "[creepy music]" "Ah, shit, they're coming." "[kids laughing, chattering]" "They're coming." "[kids] Trick-or-treat!" "They're coming!" " [Ken] Trick-or-treat." " [yells] No!" "Just a second!" "We're not ready yet!" "OK, OK, uh, your mom stepped out for a bit." "I am in charge." "But we've got ziti in the oven, and we're still gonna have a great Halloween." "[doorbell rings] [knocking at door]" "Hang on!" "Does anybody know where your mom put the candy?" "Beats me." "Daddy, I'm gonna be Mr. Coconut!" "No, you are not." "Mr. Coconut is a Mister." "If he's a Mister, why does he have milk inside?" " Uh, that's man milk." "Bill, you wear it." " I don't want it." "Do what you want!" "Aah!" "Just a goddamn minute!" "[grunts]" "Son of a bitch!" "[doorbell ringing] [knocking at door] Where the hell is the candy?" " Where'd Mommy go?" " She's out shopping." " Yeah, for a new husband." " She is not!" "Did she say something to you?" "[doorbell ringing]" "Stupid goddamn kids!" "There it is." "[kids] Trick-or-treat!" "Oh, look at that, Fat Albert." "I'm not wearing a costume." "Well, then you don't get any fucking candy." "[Maureen] Daddy, the oven made a noise!" "All right, I'm coming, I'm coming!" "The rest of you, only one candy per kid." "It's an honor system, got it?" "[kids] Yes, sir." "[boy] How dumb is this guy?" "Hey, hey!" "Put it back!" "I hope somebody puts a razor blade in your apple!" "Tonight on Colt Luger: the mystery of the missing mother." "No, no, no, no, no." "Colt Luger is a man." "You are a girl." "Take that off." " Cocksucker." " What?" "Where did you hear that?" "Oh, right." "Hey, when your mother comes home, don't tell her I use that word." " What if she never comes home?" " D'oh, you little cocksucker!" "Your brother made me say that!" "[doorbell ringing] [screams] [all] Trick-or-treat!" "[Italian accent] Hey, here you go!" "Happy Halloween from the Murphalettis." "[exclaiming] You're melting my candy!" " You suck!" " Yeah, yeah, arrivederci." "[German accent] Look, Daddy, I'm Mr. Holtenwasser." "[gasps] Take that off right now." "Mr. Holtenwasser is not a Nazi." "[both] He's a Satan worshiper." "He is not that either." "He is not scary." "He's just a sad old man whose family was butchered in the war." "Dad, which president served the shortest term?" " How should I know?" " It's the last question, I gotta get it." " That's what the library's for." " Will you give me a ride?" "Kevin, are you blind?" "Look at all this shit" "I gotta do with your mom gone!" "Take your bike!" " Somebody stole my seat!" " Then walk!" "I know you got feet because they came out of your mother first!" " Ah, that's so gross!" " Oh, fuck you, I was there!" "Who needs ziti?" "Dinner is served." "♪ Meet Lord Jesus ♪ [gasps]" "Take that off." "We'll both go to hell." " Can I be Nazi Jesus?" " What is wrong with you?" "You said I can't be Mr. Coconut," " and the girl costumes aren't fun." " OK." "Fine." "If it means that much to you, you can be a coconut." " Mr. Coconut." " Mr. Coconut." "Is that your mother?" "[car pulls up]" "How do I look?" "How do I look?" "Heya, Frank." "Did you think I was Sue?" "[groans]" "[Maureen] Bill's faking sick and I want candy." "I'm going trick-or-treating now." "OK, get in the car." "I'm gonna take you to an even better neighborhood." "Yay!" " Where are we going?" " I'll tell you when we get there." "[kids yelping] [Frank] Happy Halloween!" "Sorry." "['70s rock music plays on radio]" "Stupid Dad." "If I ever have kids," "I'm gonna drive 'em to the library all the time." "What the fuck?" "You almost hit me, you douchebag!" " That's the point!" " Come on up!" "Uh, I can't, man." "I..." "I have to get this last stupid history question" " or I flunk out." " Screw that." "Join us." "[straining] We're doing pumpkin hits!" "'Tis the season!" "[chuckles]" "Fuck it." "Hey, don't bogart that gourd!" "[kid] Hey, check it!" "Let's go up to that house." "[kids chattering]" "[line ringing] [boy] Bonfiglio residence." "Phillip Bonfiglio speaking." " Hey." "Jimmy's a jerk." " I know." "I wish he was dead." "I'm gonna be 12 next summer." "This might be my last" "Halloween as a kid and we can't let some jerk ruin it." "But what can we do?" "We should go out and trick-or-treat anyway." "We'll just do a couple streets, and then we'll run back home." " What if he sees us?" " He's not gonna see us." "It's dark and we'll be wearing costumes." "OK?" " OK." "Are you sure?" " Yeah." "Get your costume on!" "Well, I warned you about wearing a costume!" "Can I go trick-or-treating now?" "Pretty soon, sweetheart, but first we're gonna play a new game." "It's called "Look for cars that look like Mom's car."" "[Maureen groans] This is worse than "Summer in Alaska."" "Look, Jimmy, I just wanted to get a little trick-or-treating in, that's all." "You understand, right?" "[boys laughing]" "Aw, you pickle pussy!" "[grunting] [kids chattering] Pickle pussy!" "Pickle pussy!" "Ow!" "Stop it!" "Ow!" "[grunting]" "[Bill] That hurts!" "[kids clamoring] [Bill grunts] [yells] [Bill groans] [kids clamoring]" " [Bill] Ah!" "[grunts] - [kid] Whoo-hoo!" "[groans] [kids cheering]" "Look at me, I'm Haystacks Calhoun!" "[grunts, laughing]" "Oh, man, he's flat." "I think I killed him!" " [boy] There's no blood." " Must've killed that, too." "[panting]" "He got away!" "You better stay in your house forever, Murphy!" "[panting] If you ever set foot outside again," "I will fucking mutilate you!" "[sobbing]" "Fucking asshole!" "All right, let's go." " You're the man, Jimmy." " Oh, I know." "It's a lot of pressure." "Daddy, where is this great trick-or-treat neighborhood?" "Ah, it's around here somewhere." "[Frank] Goddamn it!" "Whoa!" "Shit, Murph, that was your dad's car!" "[slurring] I know!" "I threw it, and then it hit it." "[all laughing]" "Whoever ruined my paint job is lucky my wife just left me or I'd..." "Has anybody seen her?" "!" "Huh?" "[car door slams shut]" "I gotta get to the stupid library before it closes." "I still have to answer that fucking history question." "I know history." "History of drugs." "[all laughing] Uh, what's the question?" "What president served the shortest term?" " William Henry Harrison, 31 days." " How the hell do you know that?" "It's presidential trivia." "It's on the label of every bottle of White House beer." "Homework done." "I'm a fucking genius." "[Frank] It's around here somewhere." "[Maureen] This is where Mommy buys macramé yarn." "[Frank] Exactly." " Shit." " You're not taking me trick-or-treating!" " You're looking for Mommy!" " OK, sweetheart." "Uh, when we find Mommy and you tell her to forgive me, then you can go trick-or-treat." "And if it's too late, I'll go by the grocery store and I'll get you all the candy you want, OK?" "[voice breaking] It's not the same." "You're right, you're right, I know." "Let's just find Mom first." "[sad music plays]" "[bat cracks] Well, that's either your mother or Boog Powell." "Hey." "Still mad at me?" "[grunts]" "OK." "Look, I just want you to know that I know this is, this is definitely the worst thing I ever did to you." "Except for that thing in Harrisburg, which I'm now realizing I never told you about." "But I'm not apologizing for that, I'm talking about this." "Look, I got upset." "Maybe I overreacted a little bit to things changing." "And I just want to say I'm sorry." "[grunts] [fence clanging]" "Nice rip." "I'm just really, really sorry." "OK?" "Does, uh, does that make it better?" "We, uh, we good now?" "No, Frank." "Those are just words." "They don't mean anything unless you back 'em up. [grunts]" "Look..." "I love you, and I love the kids, but I need more... for myself." " Oh, Jesus." " What was that?" " Nothing, nothing." " When Vivian mentioned that job, my first thought was what your reaction would be." "I didn't consider what I wanted." "It made me think, "How did I become this person?" [sighs]" "So I called her tonight and I took that job." "I start next week, and you need to be OK with that." "Wow." "OK, uh..." " Yes." "I'm OK with it." " Good." "Hi, Bill." "I'm glad you're feeling better." " [Maureen] It's me, Mommy!" " Maureen?" "Hi, sweetie." "You let her be Mr. Coconut?" "It won't be an easy life for her, but it's the choice she made." "[chuckling]" "So, uh... what do you say?" "You ready to come home?" "Uh, I'll be home soon." "I paid for 300 pitches." " I was pretty mad at you." " OK." "Sure." "I'll see you at home later." "Just keep that elbow up." "You're not getting through the zone fast enough." "[ball flying, hits fence]" " Just do what you want!" " Thanks, honey." "[grunts]" " Let's go trick-or-treat now." " I don't want to anymore." "I'm hungry." " Didn't you eat?" "I made ziti." " You poured it on everybody's candy." "That's right, I did." "I'll make you some cereal." "[grunts] [car starts] [slow rock song plays] [grunting]" "[gunshot] [casing clatters]"