""Christmas"" "FRANKIE: (typing) "Dear friends and family"..." ""Merry Christmas!" "2009 has been a busy" ""and exciting year for the Hecks." ""Last summer, I lost my job in the dental office" ""but was lucky enough to land a new, thrilling job" ""selling cars, and thanks to his years of hard work," ""Mike got a promotion at the quarry and is now manager."" "Carl blew his arm off, can't type." "Congratulations." "You're the new manager." ""Even Axl, who's now 15, has recently joined the workforce," ""and we're having so much fun watching him take on this new responsibility."" "(clinking loudly)" "Excuse me, sir." "(singsongy) I believe I'm done with this plate." ""And Sue, 13, is busy with..."" "(clicking keys on keyboard)" "(typing on keyboard) "Sue made..."" " (sighs) - (dog barking in distance)" ""Sue tried out for..."" "(clicking keys on keyboard)" "(sighs)" ""Sue has a boyfriend."" "Ugh." "I wish I didn't have to leave, but I have to get up so early tomorrow." "Show choir's performing at the Little Betty Snack cake factory in the morning." "We get to wear hairnets and everything." "Lucky!" "Well..." "(singsongy) good night." "(hums)" "(door closes)" ""But nothing says Christmas like the wonder and magic on our little boy Brick's face."" "I just don't understand Christmas." "It's like we're supposed to be happy, but how can we possibly enjoy it knowing that it's all so... fleeting?" "(whispers) Fleeting." "Brick, what are you talkin' about?" "You love Christmas." "(normal voice) Do I?" "Ah, the first tradition of the holiday season" "The putting off of the christmas letter." "(plays note)" "¶ La la la la la la la ¶" "(whispering) But he's 8." "8-year-olds are supposed to be happy at Christmas." "¶ La la la la la la la ¶" "Plus he's whispering to himself more often." "(whispering) Don't let it stress you out." "Yeah, that's easy for you to say." "You don't have kids." "Trust me, as a parent, you're only as happy as your least happy kid." "¶ La la la la la la la ¶" " Thank God I don't have kids." "MAN:" "I'm so proud of you." " I just roam the Earth alone." "MAN:" "Shh!" "Eyes on me, please, people." "Thank you." "As you know, next week we'll be having tryouts for the midnight mass solo." "I don't know why they even bother with tryouts." "Everybody knows Melanie Howard's just gonna get it anyway." "(scoffs) Tell me about it." "Voice like an angel and married to an orthodontist." "She's so friggin' blessed." "MAN: (whispers) Shh!" "Quiet." "MAN:" "I'll see you at the tryouts." "Oh, and I have some sad news." "Melanie Howard has throat polyps!" "(whispers) Yes!" "You didn't get this excited when my uncle had 'em." "Ohh." "I have been in that choir for 15 years, and for 15 years, Melanie Howard has hogged all the solos." "Now she has polyps, and the field is wide open." "Oh." "There you are." "Oh, ahoy, matey!" "So I signed you up to bring in pies for the Team Christmas party, which is tonight at 8:00, and, uh..." "I'm out of underwear." "(chuckles)" "But you said you would take me to the mall to pick out Brad's Christmas present." "He said he wanted body scrub with papaya and ylang-ylang." "Okay, I'll take you to the mall." "Thank you." "(sighs)" "Who am I kidding?" "There's no way I can try out for that solo." "Why not?" "Because a s-solo involves a lot of extra practices, and I just can't take that on right now." "It's Christmas!" "It's the most stressful holiday of the year." " I can do it." " Do what?" "Handle Christmas." "Oh, right." "You can handle Christmas?" "(chuckles) You can't handle Christmas." "All you gotta do is get organized." "Your problem is you're not organized." "You don't even make lists." "Right, that's my problem." "I'm not organized." "I happen to have a pocketful of Post-Its that says otherwise." "Trust me, Mike, you have no idea what Christmas involves." "There is shopping, wrapping, baking, taking the aunts to the Assisted Living Christmas dance." "Sounds like a piece of cake." "I'm on a holiday schedule till New Year's." "Bring it on." "What was the first thing" " Shopping?" " Yeah." "Hey, Axl, I'm going to the mall." "Did you do your Christmas list?" "Cash, a cell phone and to be left alone." "Brick." "Did you make your list for Santa?" "What I really want this year are some answers." "(door closes)" "What's the true meaning of Christmas?" "Are we here for a reason?" "What is the purpose of life?" "How about a bike?" "(0rgan playing)" "(lowers voice) Hey, Mom, can I ask you something?" "Sure." "The thing is, Brad and I have been going out for a month now, and he still hasn't kissed me." "(lowers voice) I sure like that kid." "(lowers voice) Well, maybe he's just shy, or, you know, a gentleman." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's probably it." "Did you know he owns his own top hat and tails?" " Wow." " Oh, nice." "Maybe we should have told Sue the truth about Brad." "But it was a little hard to do when Brad didn't even know the truth yet." "Welcome, friends." "Before we begin, please join me in praying for a member of our congregation-- Melanie Howard." "May she make a quick recovery from her throat polyps." "People talk about the power of prayer." "But there's something to be said for the power of not prayer as well." "Hey, everybody!" "I got the solo!" "Whoo-hoo!" " Hey, that's great!" " Yeah, baby!" "(claps hands)" " Congratulations." " Ohh." "(pats back)" "Mike..." "you put up the tree?" "Yep." "Took me 20 minutes." "I don't know why it always takes you so long." "But I like putting up the tree." "It's one of my favorite things." "It's something we all do together." "Hey, did everyone break an arm?" "How come I'm the only one decorating the tree?" "Just think of all the time I saved you." "I should check this off the list." "Tree... check." "I'm kicking Christmas' ass." "Well, Mike was handling Christmas all right." "Problem was he was handling it a little too well." "Mike, why is there a snowman in the front yard?" "You're welcome." "But I love making the snowman." "It is my favorite thing, something we all do together." "In case anybody cares, I just made the damn snowman." "Hey, you said you wanted me to take care of Christmas." "I'm taking care of Christmas." "Hey, Dad!" "Major upgrade on the snowman." "Think I might actually wait a few days before I smash it with my baseball bat." "Thanks, buddy." "How's work?" "Awesome." "My friends came by and called me a seaman." "Livin' the dream." "(sighs)" "FRANKIE:" "Brick?" "Brick, what are you doing under there?" "Looking at the lights, but their beauty just makes me sad." "I know what will get you in the Christmas spirit." "How about a visit with Santa Claus?" "Sure." "It's worth a shot." "Wait." "You're taking him to see Santa?" "It's next on my list." "I'm tellin' ya, the way I'm going," "I could have Christmas wrapped up two days early." "I don't know what you're always complaining about." "No, hang on." "I'm taking Brick to see Santa." "You can't go doing all the fun stuff, Mike." "I never looked at it that way." "I guess it is all sort of futile, isn't it?" "(sighs)" "Here, taste this." "I want to see if there's enough cinnamon." "Okay." "Don't move." "Your lips are really chapped." "(grunts)" "Is that lipstick?" "God, why does everybody always ask me that?" "It is glossy chapstick." " (door slides open) - (sighs)" "Hi, kids." " Hi, Mom." " Hi, Mrs. Heck." " (door slides close)" " Oh, my God." "Mike!" "The Christmas village?" "I love setting up the Christmas village." "All right, this is chaos." "The guy with the newspaper is supposed to go in front of the bakery." "You got him lurking around the school like he's some kind of pedophile." "And look, you got the carolers on the train track-- like that's gonna end well." "Did you want my help or not?" "Well, yes, but I can't leave the house for a second to go to work or practice without you churning out some other Christmas tradition." "I just wanted you to do the crummy stuff, you know?" "Go to the grocery, stand in line at the post office for the Christmas stamps." "I don't want you hogging up all the fun stuff." "How am I supposed to know what you think is fun?" "Well, okay." "You know how there are songs about decorating a tree or building a snowman?" "That's how you know." "If it's in a song, don't do it." "So no chestnuts roasting on an open fire." " No." " No dashing through the snow." "No, that's all out." "Okay, but you know what you can do?" "Fix Brick." "He is bumming everyone out." "He even brought down Santa." ""Fix Brick." It's on the list." "(whispers indistinctly)" "Ohh." "I liked it the other way." "Not a moment too soon, because Christmas Eve was here, and there was no stopping it." "I have just come from rehearsal, and I can safely say that I am going to blow the roof off that church tonight." "Hey, Brick!" "You ready for Santa?" "I..." "Brick, what's the matter?" "(marker squeaks)" "Mike." "Why isn't Brick talking?" "Yeah, I thought you might ask about that." "I had that little chat with him, trying to get him out of his funk." "Hey, buddy." "We need to talk." "(grunts)" "What's going on?" "Your mom and I are worried about you." "I'm just a little melancholy." "(whispers) Melancholy." "When did all this start?" "(normal voice) You know that Santa Pez dispenser I got two years ago, where the candy comes out of his beard?" "I just started thinking about how I had it, and then one day, it was just... gone." "And then I started thinking that someday, you'll be gone, and I'll be gone and we'll all be gone." "Well, sure." "Everybody worries about death." "It's terrifying." "But you know what we do?" "We shove it out of our minds." "That's why we have books and candy and water parks and TV." "It's all just a big, old distraction from death." "So all better?" "Okay." "(whispers) Okay." "And then, because he thought he was on a roll," "Mike got greedy." "Oh, and you know, if you keep on whispering to yourself," "Santa's not gonna bring you any presents." "I thought it was worth a shot." "You told Brick Santa wouldn't bring him any presents if he doesn't stop whispering to himself?" "What were you thinking?" "Hey, we've used Santa as motivation before" "It's time to give up pacifiers, potty training," ""Hannah Montana."" "I thought I could slip the whispering thing in there." "So now Brick's afraid that if he talks at all, he'll whisper, and then Santa won't come." "That's great." "I ask you to fix him, and you busted him." "And you know why?" "Because you rushed through it like everything else just so you could check it off your stupid list." "Hey, I was just trying to help." "I mean, maybe I didn't handle it exactly right, but while you're off at choir practice," "I'm here busting my butt getting Christmas together, and let me tell you something." "Christmas is..." "Christmas is what, Mike?" "Hmm?" "Hard?" "It's not hard." "Admit it!" "Christmas is hard." " (mouthful) It's not hard." " Say it." "Say it!" "Christmas is stressful and exhausting and horrible." "Say it!" "Ah, now it's starting to feel like Christmas." "(horn honks in distance)" "(sighs)" "Great." "Now Bob's here to pick me up." "Look, Mike, it's Christmas Eve." "It's my big night." "I just-- I don't want to fight." "Me neither." "I know you were trying." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "You gotta go." "You're gonna be great." "Okay, listen up." "Everybody has to be there by 11:00 to get a good seat." "And remember, the "I only go at Easter and Christmas" crowd is gonna be there hogging all the seats." " So it's gonna be crowded." " We'll be there." "I love you." "Just please be there on time." "Wouldn't miss it for the world." " ("Silent Night" playing on TV) - (snoring)" "Oh, sorry, these are saved." "It's for my family." "They're on their way." "No, no. (chuckles) You gotta get here early." "You would have known if you came more often." "MAN:" "It's 11:45 on Christmas Eve, and you're watching" " the log channel." " Oh, no!" " Oh, no!" "MAN:" "Merry Christmas." "Sue, Axl, Brick, get up!" "We're late!" "What?" "Ooh--oh!" "Nice, Dad!" "Classic." "Oh, no." "Are we gonna miss it?" "(grunts)" "I'm not dressed for church!" "No time." "Throw something on, and let's go!" "Now!" "Oh, but what about our present?" "Mom always lets us open one present on Christmas Eve." "You can open it when we get back." "Keys." "Where are my keys?" "But then it won't be Christmas Eve anymore." " It'll be Christmas day!" " But she said... mm!" "(groans)" "Grab a present." "You can open it in the car." "Just let's move!" "There are no tags on these!" "Tags wasn't on my list." "Just throw 'em all in the car." "We can sort 'em out on the way." "Let's just move!" "Brick, head for the car!" "I'm covered in..." "Come on, let's go." "If your mom asks, we couldn't find a parking spot." "(yawns)" "This one's for Brick." "Don't get too into that book." "We're all jumping out as soon as we get to the church." "(gasps)" "Oh, my god!" "A cell phone?" " Uh, that's for Axl." " Oh, my God!" "Gimme that!" "This totally doesn't suck." "This is awesome." "Ooh." "I gotta call Darren." "Uh, not so fast." "You can only call your family, 'cause you're on the family plan." "You want to call your friends, you can pay for that yourself." " You got a job." " Uh..." "I-I quit that." "You quit your job?" "Why?" "It was interfering with my studies." "I don't know." "What do you want to hear?" "There's no present here for me." " Did you even get me anything?" " Yes, of course we did!" "You got a Rihanna CD and a "Twilight"" "Well, don't tell me what you got me!" "I wish Mom had done Christmas." "Well, get in line." "And let us now rejoice in song." "Can we just hold on the rejoicing just for one minute?" "'Cause of my family." "Listen, can you j-just go tell them they're gonna be here." " I'm gonna try to..." " You can't do this!" "My family was supposed to be here at 11:00, and they said they would come, but I don't know why they're not here yet." "So" "They said they would be on time." "Is there any way we can just hold for... ¶ O come, all ye faithful ¶" "¶ Joyful and triumphant ¶" "¶ O come ye, o come ye to ¶" "FRANKIE AND CHOIR:" "¶ To Bethlehem ¶" "¶ Come and behold him ¶" "¶ Born the king of angels ¶" "¶ O come let us adore him ¶" "¶ O come let us adore him ¶" "CHOIR:" "¶ O come let us adore him ¶" "¶ Christ the Lord ¶" "(whispering) That was beautiful." "(whispers) Oh, please." "How could you be late?" "It was Dad's fault." "He fell asleep." "Why is that, Mike?" "Is it because you were exhausted?" "Is it because Christmas is hard?" "It's not hard, and we would have been there sooner, but the kids had to open a gift." "Oh, some gift!" "I've only got family minutes!" " Why would I ever want to talk" " You know what?" "to my family?" " The phone is going back anyway." " And you opened a cell phone without me?" " Mike!" " He quit his job." "You quit your job?" "Oh, do you have any idea how disgusting it is to have to clean up after other people?" "I have some idea, yeah." "Everybody stop yelling!" "(whispers) Yelling." "(normal voice) Oh, no!" "(whispers) Oh, no!" "(normal voice) Oh, no!" "(whispers) Oh, no!" "(normal voice) I can't stop!" "(whispers) I can't stop!" " See what you did?" " What I did?" "What did I do?" "(all shouting at once)" " (crunch) - (all screaming)" " Whoa!" " (gasps)" " Nice driving, Dad!" " Well, you distracted him!" "(all shouting at once)" " (thud) - (all screaming)" "(tires screech)" " (honk blaring) - (gasps)" "(gasps)" "(Brick whimpers)" "Beautiful solo, Mom." "Thank you, Sue." "I, uh..." "(clears throat)" "I like my cell phone, Dad." "You're welcome, son." "Frankie, Christmas is hard." "Thank you." "That's all I wanted to hear." "Hey, look what I found" "My Santa Pez dispenser!" "It slid out from underneath the seat the second time we almost died." "It's a Christmas miracle!" "So almost dying--twice-- had made the rest of us start thinking about our own existence." "But for Brick, it made him... stop." "Hey, there's candy in it!" "Don't eat that!" "It's, like, two years... (exhales)" "Go ahead." "Was the 2-year-old Pez dispenser sliding out from under the dirty, crud-encrusted bottom of our car seat a Christmas miracle?" "Who knows?" "I'd like to think yes, 'cause Brick was the happiest I've ever seen him at Christmas." "No way!" "Santa brought me a sparkly bag for my Pez dispenser!" "Uh, sorry, buddy." "I think you found one of Sue's." "(mouths word)" "No, it was sweet." "But, uh, anyway, I gotta bounce." "Hit me back later." "(laughs)" "Oh!" "Bye, Aunt Edie." "(beep)" "My present was seeing Brick acting normal again" "Well, Brick normal." "'Cause you really are only as happy as your least happy kid." "(voice breaking) Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "Honey, what's wrong?" "I went to Brad's early this morning to give him his Christmas present, and I found him out back behind the shed with another boy!" "Uh, hey, Brick?" "Why don't you go to your room?" " (crying)" " Go." "Go." "And they were out in the bushes, and they were taking turns" "Honey, I am so sorry." "We should have said something." "And they were..." "And they were... smoking!" " Oh!" " Oh!" "Wait." "You knew?" "You knew he was a smoker?" "We had our suspicions." "I'll bet that's why he didn't kiss you." "He didn't want you to notice his smoker's breath." "Oh, yeah." "Well, there's no way I'm gonna date him now." "And I really, really liked him, too." "Oh, come here, baby." "Maybe I can get him to quit?" "I wouldn't count on it, honey." "Come on." ""Don't get me wrong." "Christmas is hard." ""But no matter how stressed you are," ""the 25th rolls around, and it's great" ""and wonderful and the best Christmas ever." ""It's like giving birth-- you forget the pain," ""and can't wait to do it again next year." "Happy holidays." "Love, the Hecks.""