"All right, everybody out." "Welcome to the neighborhood, shamus." "move on, punk." "All right, get out!" "All right, take it easy!" "What are you trying to do?" "Get out." "All right, come on, get out." "Here we go." "I was only emptying the garbage." " Go on, get inside." " move on, punk." "What are you trying to prove?" "You're a big man, a tough guy, huh?" "Butt out, Damon!" "Come in." " Oh, it's you." "Come in, sit down." " Thank you, sir." " I want to talk to you." " Yes, sir." "Well, I see you've been initiated." "Oh, yes, sir." "I'd like to put in for the Purple Heart, sir." " Some evening, huh?" " No, no, it wasn't so bad, captain." " I understand it was quite a rumble." " I've seen a lot worse, sir." "So I've noticed." "Your record shows you've spent the past three years working in neighborhoods like ours so-called slum areas." " That's right, sir." " Your record also shows that you've had your skull fractured, your arm broken twice, lost three teeth and been stabbed four different times." " Well, no, sir." "That..." " All by young punk hoodlums who you've tried unsuccessfully to reform." "Is that correct?" " Well, not exactly, sir." "You see..." " Damon, let's get to the point." "For three years, you've worked as sort of an emissary for a would-be group of reformers who think that juvenile delinquency can be curtailed if we treat these hoodlums with kid gloves." " Now, just a minute, captain." " You'll wait till I'm through talking." "If I wait until you're finished talking, captain, I'll be up for a pension!" "Well put, Mike." "Go ahead." "Talk." "Thank you, sir." "Oh, look, captain." "I know you wanted me in your precinct here about as much as you like Dillinger." "But you've gotta give me a chance." "Other captains have given you opportunities, but your plan has failed." "Only because it never had a chance to grow." "Somebody was always stepping on my head, captain." "And I don't mean the delinquents either." "You know what the roadblock's been." "It's been the brass upstairs, the big boys." " They think I'm a radical, a little nuts." " Well, aren't you?" "Why, because I think that you can handle kids without belting their brains out?" "Am I nuts because I think that in that bunch of slobs out there, there might be just one worth saving?" "Just one?" "Yeah, and while you're trying to save that one, the 99 others are blowing up city hall!" "Mike, your logic is cockeyed." "The main thing to worry about is the majority!" "No, that's where you're wrong, captain." "The real bad ones are losers." "You can't change them anyway." "But that one good one, if given a chance, can breed, multiply." "Now, if that happens, every decent community benefits." "Damon, you are nuts." " I think." " Maybe so, captain but it wasn't too long ago I was on the short end of those 99-to-1 odds." "It took a policeman to help me, and I'd kind of like to pay him back." "OK, Mike, it's your skull." "I'll stay out of your way." " Thank you, sir!" " For 30 days, that is." "Then if you don't come up with something, namely a saved soul, you're liable to wind up policing the library." "Yes, sir." " Yeah?" " Ready for the show-up, captain." "Right." "Come on, Mike." "Your guinea pigs are ready for exposure." "Let's see if you and I can find the one with the soulful eyes." "Wise punks." "Tough punks." "You think you're getting away with something." "Well, I'm gonna give you a big, fat message:" "You ain't getting away with nothing." "We're hip to all of you, and one of these days, it's gonna be the long, slow ride up that dirty river." "Sing Sing, where the nights are long, cold and miserable, where the food is slop and every time you open your filthy mouths, the guards are gonna bust every bone in your stupid, crummy heads." "Sing Sing, with its solitary confinement and the electric chair." "Wait a second." "I didn't do nothing." "I was just taking out the garbage can." "I don't wanna go to the..." "Please don't make me go..." "I was just taking out the garbage can." "I don't wanna go to the electric chair, with the thing..." "Oh, that's terrible." "Let me out, let me out." "I ain't gonna eat this slop." "I don't wanna go to jail." "What, for emptying a garbage pail?" "Please!" "I'm too tall to die." "Help me out, Monk, do something." "Shut up." "OK, I won't say nothing." "Whatever you say, sarge, I won't say a word." " Shut up!" " I didn't even say a word." "Boy, if you ever tell me to shut up, I keep my mouth shut." "What, am I gonna get myself in trouble?" "Tonight you get a break." "It just happen this is "be kind to rats" week." "We got orders to let you go." "But the next time, it's gonna be that long, slow ride." "Now, go on, get out of here, all of you." "Crawl back in your holes." "Thanks a lot, sergeant." "Boy, I appreciate it, sergeant." " It's all right..." " Thank you Very much for letting me go." " It's all right..." " I didn't wanna go to jail, sergeant." " Get him out of here!" " You're a terrific cop." " Get him out!" " Thank you Very much, sergeant." "He's a wonderful sergeant, this sergeant." "He's not gonna put me in jail." "I'm not gonna..." "I didn't wanna hang..." "Well, did you find your pigeon?" "I think it's pretty obvious, isn't it, captain?" " Him?" " Yeah, the grateful one." " What's his name?" " Sidney." "Sidney what?" "Pythias." "He works as an apprentice janitor down the street." "Sidney Pythias?" "Well, what's the matter?" "Well, what do you know about that." "Mike Damon." "Sidney Pythias." "Damon and Pythias." "You remember your Greek mythology, captain." "Look, I never even passed algebra, and I ain't interested in mythology." "All I wanna know is if you're really gonna go to work on that character." "Yes, sir, captain." "Yes, sir, I am, sir." "Yes, sir." " OK, Damon." "Good luck." " Thank you, sir." "You'll need it!" "Yes, sir." "Hey, Monk!" "Hey, fellas, wait a second." "Let me explain, will you?" "Sidney, why don't you go away." "I just wanna explain." "You see, how it happened," "I was taking out the garbage cans." "You gotta do that because it brings ants." " Hey, Sidney?" " Yeah?" "Look." "Listen, you unhinged dimbo, why don't you stick with your garbage and mops and stay away from me." "You're a professional jinx." "Now, go home and scare your tenants." "Oh, hi, Mr. Kellin." "Could I help you?" "Oh, no." "Never mind, Sidney." "Thank you Very much." "Never mind." "Yeah, but I just thought..." "Hi, Mr. Fox." "Could I give you a hand, sir?" "Oh, no, thanks, Sidney." "Thank you just the same." "Some other time, maybe." "Hiya, Sidney." "Hey, you got a minute?" "I'd like to talk to you." "Well, am I in trouble." "What's going on here?" " Sidney!" " Yeah." " What's going on up there?" " Oh, nothing." " I was..." "Hello, Mr. Herman." " What's going on up there?" " I think it's an air raid." " Come here, Sidney." " Yes, sir." " What kind of a janitor are you?" " Well, I'm..." " There ain't no hot water." " No." " There ain't no cold water!" " Well, I'm trying my best..." "Six rooms, three baths, $30 a month I pay," " and I can't get no service!" " Well, I'm awful sorry, Mr. Herman..." " What about the dumbwaiter?" " Oh, what?" "The dumbwaiter." "It don't work." "Well, I don't understand." "I fixed the dumbwaiter..." " It don't work." "Get it fixed, you hear?" " Yes, sir." " And fix the plumbing and the heater!" " No, sir." " What?" "!" " How, sir?" " Sidney!" " I mean, yes, sir." " Sidney!" " Yes, Herman Mister." "Sister Merman..." "You making fun of me?" "No, I'm not, Mr. Herman." "It's just that I'm all..." "A guy ain't got enough trouble, a nothing like you has to come along and tell me what to do!" "Now, wait a minute, Mr. Herman." "Don't call me a nothing." "I don't like that." "Well, I don't like that." "I beg your pardon." "I'm sorry." "From now on, it'll be Mr. Nothing!" "I didn't mean to make you sore, Mr. Herman, but..." "Go on, get out of here!" "Do something!" "Fix something!" "Shoo!" ""Go on, get out of here!" "Fix something!" "Do something!" ""Do something!" "Shoo!"" "Hello, Sidney." "Hello." "How've you been?" "Fine." "Will you empty this for me?" "Sure." " Thank you, Sidney." " Sure." "Mr. Crow?" "Mr. Crow?" "And when you rock 'n' roll And do that thing" "Brown dog, brown dog, rock 'n' roll" "You're gonna brown dog rock it Your brown dog's rolling" "You roll and you rock And the brown dog too" "Hello, Mr. Crow." "I hope you'll excuse me, sir," " but I was just playing your broom." " That's my theremin!" "Oh, well, I..." "Your what?" "Well, I suppose you came in here to see it." " Oh, yes, that's a Very nice theremin." " Not that." "You know what I mean." " Oh, you mean X-93?" " Right!" "It's finished." "Where is it?" "I'm so excited, I can't wait to see it." "Gee whiz, Mr. Crow," "I thought the X-93 was your new invention to cure the common cold." "It came out a little different." "What did it come out a little different as?" "What does it look like?" " A spaceship?" " Right!" "For frogs." " For frogs?" " Did you ever stop to realize, when the Earth is destroyed, all the people will escape to the moon in rocket ships?" "What about the poor little frogs?" "How are they going to get away?" " Well..." " I'll tell you how." "In my frog ship." "And the remarkable thing about this is, it holds 1 million frogs." "Did you hear what I said?" "One million frogs!" "Oh, that's terrific." "even if I only charge them $3 apiece, I'll be rich!" "Well, that's really wonderful." " Did you hear the phone?" " Rich!" "If only I didn't have to pay the withholding." " Oh, that is a shame." " I want you to take this and study it closely." "And when we start to build the working model, we'll work hand in hand." " Oh, well, I really..." " Don't worry, I haVe another one." " Oh, well, I was..." " Good luck, son!" "Thank you Very much, Mr. Crow, and I'll take Very good care of this so that the..." "And I'll guard this, and I can..." "To the..." "And all those frogs." "That's the best thing you can make..." "A whole lot with..." "With the little frogs, Mr. Crow." "Rich!" "Do you hear?" "Rich!" "Hiya, Sidney." "What do you got there, a model airplane?" " No, not exactly." " Can I look at it?" " Sure." " Attaboy." " Well, it's kind of bulky, isn't it?" " Well, it should be." " It's got a million frogs in it." " Oh, well, that..." "I beg your pardon?" "Well, what I mean is, it's not an ordinary spaceship." "It's for frogs." "Sure, Sidney, sure." "Well, no, let me explain." "See, when the world comes to an end, how are the frogs gonna get to the moon?" "In this." "That makes sense." "Yeah, and furthermore, you can get these in all the stores all over the world." "Garages, butcher shops." "They'll make millions of these things and..." "Are you puzzled?" "No, no." "Hey, Sidney, wait a minute." "Can I talk to you a second?" "Why?" "What do you wanna talk to me about?" "Well..." "Look, it's kind of personal." "Could we go someplace private?" " Why?" "I didn't do nothing." " Well, nobody said you did." "Come on, you got someplace we can talk priVate-like?" " Well, I got a lot of work to do." " Come on, Sidney." "It'll only take a second, huh?" "OK, come on." "Thank you." "Hey, this is Very nice." " It is?" " Yeah, yeah, your place, you've got it fixed up real nice." " You really like it?" " Yeah, I sure do." "It's a little crowded, but then..." "Well, after all, you are alone." "You ain't kidding." "Pull up a chair, kid, sit down." "Come on, pull up a chair." " Well, what do you?" " Come on." " Smoke?" " No, I never do." "Well, that's good." "Sidney, my name is Mike Damon." " How do you do, Officer Damon?" " No, no." "Mike." "Hello, Officer Mike." "Sidney..." "I..." "I wanna help you." "Can you fix a dumbwaiter?" " No, that isn't what I had in mind." " Oh, what about plumbing?" " Because I haVe a stove that..." " No, Sidney." "I'm not here to work on the fixtures." "I'm here to work on you." "Work on me?" "Why?" "I'm not out of order." "Say, what do you really want anyhow?" "No, don't even answer that." "I'm not interested." " Why don't you just get out of here." " Sit down, will you, kid?" "Please?" "I don't want anything, Sidney." "I just want to help you." "I don't need any help." "I'm doing fine." "Oh, you are, huh?" "Well, I got a nice place to live in." "You said yourself it's pretty nice." "And I got lots of friends." " Name two." " What?" "Name two friends." "Well, there's..." "And another guy..." "What's the difference?" "I got lots of friends." "You mean, like Monk and Artie and all those other creeps?" " They're good guys." " They stink!" "I hate them." "But you, you're a good kid." " You're a nice kid." " Well, how do you know?" "Well, I've been doing a little checking on you." "I discovered you graduated from high school." "I did?" "I mean, yeah, I did." "And you also got pretty good marks too." "Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did." "And you know what, especially in manual training." "I was Very good in that." "Wood." "You can ask me any question in the world about wood." "I know about wood." "Wood, I know about." "Would you like to see something" "I made in wood?" "It's a backscratcher." "It's Very good." "Made in wood." "It's the wrong side." "This side." "It's wood." " How do you make it?" " Oh, this?" "It's Very simple." "Watch." "I made it up myself." " That's Very good." " Thank you." "Yeah." "Now, where were we?" "Oh, we were talking about my backscratcher." "No, no, we were talking about you." "I also discovered that you tried to enlist in the Army, right?" "Oh, yeah." "And the navy and the Coast Guard and the Marines," " but they all turned me down." " Why?" "What happened?" "Well, they thought I was a little nutty." "Something about my temperament." " Psychologically unfit?" " No, my lungs were fine." "They just thought I was a little nutty." "But I don't really care, because I couldn't have been what I wanted to be anyhow." "What did you wanna be?" "Oh, a lot of things." " For example?" " I'm thirsty." " You would like some seltzer?" " Seltzer?" "Yeah." "That's the phone." "Excuse me." " Hello?" " Is Zelda there?" "No." "No, she is not." "Look, pal, don't give me that." "I know she's there, and I wanna talk to her!" "Look, mister, please excuse me for being unkind, but I told you three or four times already, there is no Zelda here." "Not now, ever or at no time." "There's no Zelda, all right?" " Now, will you please put her on?" " Not here, ever..." "That..." "Guy keeps calling up and asking for Zelda, Zelda..." "There's never been a Zelda here." "I don't know no Zelda except a parakeet, I know Zelda, but not this..." " Now, where were we?" " That's a good question." " I was gonna get you some seltzer." " No, that's all right." "Excuse me." "Oh, nice kitty." "Why are you staring?" " Oh, the bottle opener." "I forgot it." " Never mind, Sidney." " Well, it'll only take a second." " No." " You don't want the seltzer?" " No." "Well, let me explain." "It'll take a second and I'll get the opener..." " No, kid, I'm getting airsick." " Yeah, but look," " if you want the seltzer..." " No!" " Well, you wanted..." " No, thanks!" "Well, I won't coax you." "Whatever you say." "Now, look, kid..." "Oh, that's my phone." "Excuse me." "Don't start that again!" "Listen to me, will you?" "I wanna talk to Zelda!" "Will you listen to me, please, sir?" "You call up here and you keep asking for Zelda." "Well, there is no Zelda!" "And it just so happens that the parakeet is a girl." "The girl is a bird, and Zelda's..." "I..." "There's no Zelda, because if it was a bird, you couldn't get it." "A parrot..." " Look, pal..." " There's no one here at that name." " Zelda..." " Put her on!" "I keep telling you that there is no one here that name." "And you call, and it's a wrong number!" "That's all." "You got a wrong number." "Look, kid, come here." "Come here!" "Look, I wanna see you tonight." " What, am I under arrest?" " No, no!" " What, are you gonna lock me up?" " No, of course not." "Well, you're holding..." "I'm sorry." "No, I thought maybe we could have dinner together over at my place." "I cook a great steak." "I thought we could sit around, play a little gin, maybe watch some TV or something." "Get to know each other." "Well, what do you say?" "Well, I don't understand, you know?" "I mean, why me?" "You know, I don't understand." "What did you pick on me to buddy up with for, you know?" "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, kid," "I'm kind of new in the neighborhood here and I don't have many friends." "I thought I could break the ice with you." "Well..." "Thanks for the invitation, but I got a date tonight, see." "Yeah." "Sure." "I should have known better." "I should have known that a guy like you'd be all booked up ahead of time, social-wise." "Well, yeah, you know, like I said before," "I got a lot of friends, and I'm..." "I'm Very busy, you know." "Yeah." "Well, maybe next time, huh?" "Yeah." " Thanks a lot, kid." " OK." " Say..." " Yeah?" "Excuse me do you really have a TV?" " 21 -inch screen." "There's great fights on tonight." "Well, I'll try and break my date." "Oh, that'd be great if you could, kid." "Yeah, but I'm not making any promises." "You know, I don't like to break engagements." " Yeah, well, if you can." " If I can." "I live at the Halifax Apartments." "See you around 7?" " If I can." " Yeah, if you can." "How do you like your steaks?" "Rare, when I get one." " Hello." " I'm not gonna tell you again." "I know she's there." "And when I come over," "I'm gonna give you such a shot." "I know the girl's there." "I happen to be engaged to her." "Now, see, the..." "And once I find out you've been bothering her, believe me, I'm not gonna fool around, buddy." "I know the address." "I'm coming over and..." "Ask her to call Freddie..." "Officer Damon's late." "He's out on an assignment, Miss Henshaw." "I haVe many things to do, Captain Riley." "I'm not used to being kept waiting." " Yeah?" " Officer Damon is here." "Send him in." " Your target has just arrived." " Oh, good." "Good morning, captain." " You sent for me?" " Yes, I did." "This is Miss Martha Henshaw." "Officer Damon." " Well, how do you do?" " How do you do?" "Miss Henshaw represents the City Council." "I repeat, the City Council." "She has been employed to..." "investigate the deplorable situation in this and other neighborhoods that are the breeding grounds for the Vast majority of our local crimes." "Oh, that's great." "That's just wonderful." "Well, how can I fit in?" "Officer Damon, from here on in, you are to work hand in hand with Miss Henshaw." " Well, you..." "Are you serious?" " Yes." "Now, look, captain, you know I work alone." "I can't have some dame..." " Some dame?" " I got my own system, you know that." "Up to this point, your system seems to have been" " one long series of utter failures." " Well, that's all a thing of the past." "But from now on, I know I'm gonna get some results." "Our City Council has grown weary of incompetence, Officer Damon, and is quite convinced your methods of pampering these young hoodlums are a complete waste of the taxpayers' money." "You talk like a drunken first sergeant." "What do you want me to do, go out and beat those kids silly?" "Of course not." "I abhor cruelty of any kind." "But I firmly believe discipline, well-proportioned, will bring far better results with these young hoodlums than sugarcoated encouragement." "Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy." "You must've been a lot of laughs in a parked car." " What'd you say?" " But, captain..." "Apologize to this lady." "Now!" " I'm sorry." " This is an order." "From here on in, you are to work with, not against, Miss Henshaw." " Is that clear?" " Yes, sir." "And now, if you'll both excuse me," "I haVe some minor affairs concerning murder and robbery to look into." "Sit down, Officer Damon." "Sit down." "Yes, sir." "Now, first of all, I'd like to meet a typical juvenile delinquent." "OK." "Go out and find yourself one." "Me?" "I thought you'd supply me with one." "Oh, no, no, no, no, honey." "I got mine." "Matter of fact, he's having dinner with me tonight." "Say, I got a fine idea." "You go out and find your boy, meet me at my place, we'll all sit around and bite each other, huh?" "Where do I start to look?" "How about the Four-H Club?" "Very well, Mr. Damon, I shall find my delinquent." "It should be Very interesting seeing your methods compared to mine." "Yeah, maybe you're right." "Meet me at my place about 7:00, huh?" "Or are you a little shaky about Visiting a man's apartment, sarge?" "Mr. Damon, the man has not been created who frightens Martha Henshaw." " Hey, who won the ball games today?" " I don't know." "Who cares?" "Hey there." "What a way to go." "That reminds me of this beast I met in Cleveland one time." "Wow, was this chick out." "She invited me up to her place, and, like, man, I didn't know what was gonna happen, so..." " Young man." " Yeah, baby?" "I was wondering if perhaps you aren't busy tonight, if you might..." "Busy?" "What's on your mind, baby?" "Never mind, never mind." "I hope you're not as uncouth as your friend." "Me, uncouth?" "Not me, baby." "Say, what's bugging you?" "Well, as I mentioned before, if you're not busy," " I'd like..." " I'm with you, chickie." "Let's swing." "Let me go." "What's the matter, baby?" "What, are you cracking up?" "What a punchy broad that is." "Full of stifled emotions." "Let's get out of here." " Hiya, Sidney." " Oh, hi, Officer Casey." " Need any help?" " No, thanks, I'm doing fine." " OK, kid." "See you later." " Right." "Nice seeing you, officer." "Hey, Sidney." "Hi." "Hi, fellas." "How are you?" "Nice day, huh?" "I mean, nice day for hanging around." "What do you say we all hang around?" "Sure been friendly with the cops lately, ain't you, kid?" "Yeah, no." "Oh, me?" "No." "Cops, friends?" "Oh, no." "I hate them, Monk." " You do, huh?" " Yeah." "Then what was that fink cop doing Visiting you this morning?" "Me?" "Oh, I don't remember." "What, was he gassing you about last night?" "Oh, him?" "Oh, no, he had the wrong room." " Wrong room?" " Yeah." "You're lying." " Don't ever hit me like that, Artie." " Why not?" "What are you gonna do about it?" "What are you gonna do about it?" "Nothing now." " Thank you." " Let me have him." "Sidney, you better learn to keep your big, fat mouth shut." " You understand?" " Yeah, I understand." "Hey, come on, you guys, let him alone." "He didn't do anything." " Don't rough him up." " No, I didn't do nothing." " Hey, Sidney." " Yeah?" "I think I wanna give you a little gift." "Oh, really?" "What is it?" "This." " Go on." " No." " Take it." " But I don't..." " Keep it." " No..." " It's yours." " Oh, thanks Very much." " That's nice." " Now, you keep it, kid, as a sort of a reminder." "When you get too pally with that shamus friend of yours, remember, one of these days, I'm liable to ask for my little gift back." "And you know what you're gonna do, Sidney?" "You're gonna give it to me just so I can chop you up a touch." " Now, isn't that nice, Sidney?" " It's Very nice." "Let's get out of here." "I'm flipping." "Stand back, baby or you're gonna get some of this." "Stay away, baby, I'm flipping." "Back up, honey, you're pressing your luck." "You're gonna get one of these in your..." "Back up, baby, I'm warning you, you'll get one of these." "Young man, I'm your friend." " You are?" " Please give me the knife." " What's your name?" " Martha." "Oh, Martha." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a second." "OK." " Hiya, kid..." " Good evening." "Well, the pride of the City Council." "Come on in." "What's the matter, my colors clash?" " I was looking for your delinquent." " Oh, he'll be along pretty soon." "I see you showed up empty-handed, though." "Oh, far from it." "I've found myself the perfect example of what delinquency represents." " Oh, you brought your father." " All right, young man, you may enter." "I'm cutting and killing, killing and cutting, anything that gets in my way." " Hello." " Oh, you two know each other?" " No." "No, no." " Oh, no." "No." "This is your example of typical juvenile delinquency?" "Correct." "A confused, unbalanced young man with only one thought in mind:" "Self-destruction." "Hey, Sidney, you wanna help me with the salad?" " Yeah, is the dressing ready?" " I got some oil and Vinegar." "But I don't understand." "He came after me with a knife." "He tried to kill me." " Who, me, baby?" " Sidney?" "Sidney wouldn't even cut an orange, would you, boy?" " No, I wouldn't." " Young man, you made a fool of me." "Who, me, chickie?" "Why, I was just standing..." " He was trying to help, weren't you?" " Yes, that's right." "And he's not really a delinquent at all." "Are you, boy?" "You're a mean, miserable, horrible young man." "Hey, wait a minute." "Now, wait, calm down." "Where's your sense of humor?" "We were just ribbing you a little bit." "I fail to see the humor of a situation like this." "Well, actually, you're right." "There is no joke, and Sidney does need help." "Matter of fact, he was gonna be my guest here tonight." "I got a fine idea." "Why don't the two of us work together and give him the helping hand he needs." "What do you say, Martha?" "I prefer to be referred to as Miss Henshaw." "Well, anything you say, Martha." "Now, let's chip in and help this boy out together." "I can assure you, Mr. Damon, I'm quite capable of handling the situation alone." "Yeah, well, maybe you're right." "Come on, Sidney, over here, and sit down in the big chair." "After you, Miss Henshaw." "You don't mind if I watch, do you?" " Oh, of course not." " Good." "This feels like when they shrink your head." "Maybe I should lie down." "Oh, that won't be necessary." "Now, first I'd like to ask you a series of pertinent questions about your past." " Yes, ma'am." " Tell me about your youth, your likes and, most important, your dislikes and hatreds." " I never hated anybody." " You're lying." " Well, I did hate Herman Zillman." " Why?" " Oh, because he spit on me." " Why?" " Because I kicked him." " Why did you kick him?" " Because he spit on me." " You can't knock that." " Did you hate school?" " Only during the summer." "There's no school during the summer." "You sure?" "Sidney, I won't have you ridiculing me." "If you don't want my assistance..." "Oh, he wants your help." "Don't you, Sidney?" "Oh, yes, I do." "Go ahead, help me." "Oh, this is ridiculous." "I can't offer him any help under these conditions." "No, no, no." "Wrong approach, Martha." "Watch." "Sidney, suppose..." "I mean, just suppose that you had your choice of being anything in the world." "Now, what would you rather be?" " Gosh, I really don't know." " Well, make up your mind." "Think." "I said, I don't know." " give it a thought, Sidney, huh?" " A plumber, a mailman, a truck driver?" " No." " Mechanic, maybe?" "An engineer?" " How much education have you had?" " Four years high school." " I was talking to Sidney." " You mean you were yelling at him, and I'm getting just a little tired of it." "I can do without your criticism, Mr. Damon." "You can do with any and all criticism." "You're just about as subtle as a flamethrower." "I'll thank you to keep your comments to yourself." " I'll thank you not to yell at the boy." " Wait a minute..." "Shut up, Sidney!" "Now, I'm sick and tired of your attitude." " You're sick and tired?" " You've done..." " Where are you going?" " Hey, wait a minute, boy." " I'm going home." " Hey, now, wait a minute." "Well, I just realized the two of you are making a fool of me." "No, believe me, nobody's trying to make a fool..." "Yeah, it's true." "You're making a fool of me." "Because you two think I'm a freak or something." "Or a guinea pig, and I figure if I sit here long enough, you're gonna wind up sticking pins in me." "Well, I don't like it." "I don't like it at all." "And if you'll be good enough to excuse me, I'm going home." " Now, wait a minute, Sid." " I'm going home." "Well, are you satisfied now, Miss Big Plans?" " One moment, Mr. Damon..." " One moment, my foot." "You come in here sticking your pretty, little, well-formed nose into something that you know absolutely nothing about." " Mr. Damon, if you'll just..." " Shut up!" "How would you know how to handle a kid like that?" "You, with your fat mink stoles and your back-to-back Chryslers." "That poor bum is me, ten years ago." "I know what makes him tick and I know what makes him sick." "You gotta eat dirt before you can analyze it, sweets, and I think that quickly eliminates you." "Now, pick up your diploma and head back to Park avenue, where you belong." "And if you've got any ideas about helping people, start in on your own parents." "From the looks of you, they certainly need help." "I can assure you Captain Riley will be interested in this situation." "Good, tell him." "Tell him." "Tell him anything you want!" "Only, stay away from Sidney." "There's beer in the icebox." "I don't think you'd like it, though." "It's domestic." "I'll go my way" "By myself" "Like walking under a cloud" "I'll go my way" "By myself" "All alone in a crowd" "I'll try to apply myself" "And teach my heart how to sing" "I'll go my way by myself" "Like a bird on the wing" "I'll face the unknown" "I'll build a world of my own" "No one knows better" "Than I myself" "I'm by myself" "Alone" "Sidney, come up here instantly." "We have work to do." "OK, Mr. Crow, I'll be right there." " I got it." "I got it, Mr. Crow." " Got what?" "The model restroom for the frogs in the spaceship." " Oh, will those little frogs be happy." " What frogs?" "The frogs that are going to the moon when the Earth is destroyed." "They're going into the spaceship, $3 a head, remember?" "The spaceship." " What spaceship?" " The spaceship that we're building here for the frogs for when the world comes to an end." "The frogs are gonna go up to the moon in the spaceship, these..." "And they're gonna fly when no one takes..." ""What frogs"?" "!" "Sidney, you keep babbling about frogs and spaceships." "We're working on a cure for the common cold." "Look." "At last, a "thinnening" cough drop." "Noncaloric, nonfattening and perfect for skin blemishes." "We'll be millionaires." "I thought we were..." "I don't feel Very good." "You do look a little pale." "And you have been working all night, you know." "I just got here, Mr. Crow." "You better go to your room, lie down, take a nap." "Later on, we'll work on my frog ship." "It has to be finished quickly, you know." "Yes, sir." "Well, whatever you say, Mr. Crow." "Good boy, Sidney." "You are a hard worker." "And I couldn't be more pleased to make you rich." "Well, thank you Very much, Mr. Crow." " Rich!" " Yes, well..." "If you don't mind, I'll go to my room and lie down so that the spaceship will never, ever have any expedience on the frogs." "Thank you..." "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Crow." "I almost knocked your glasses off." "Thank you." "Hi, Sidney." "Hello." "How've you been?" "Oh, just fine." " I was wondering if..." " Yes, ma'am." "I was wondering if you'd empty this for me." "Yeah, I'd be glad to." "Yes, Sidney?" " I just thought..." " Yes?" " Oh, that is, I was..." " Yes?" "Would you like a new lining in this basket?" " I'd appreciate it Very much." " OK." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Hi, Sidney." "Hello." "I've been sitting here waiting for you." "I haVe nothing to talk to you about, officer." "Now, wait a minute, kid, wait a minute." "You got a lot of reasons to be sore, boy, but not at me." "I told you, I don't wanna talk about it." "I tell you, I had nothing to do with the way that dame acted." "Didn't you take me up there to put me under glass?" "No." "No, I don't think you're a specimen, if that's what you mean." "But if you do mean did I bring you up there to help you, yeah, you're right." "Help me?" "Well, you certainly didn't show it." "Look, kid, I can only help you if you wanna be helped." "You keep fighting me, why, we're gonna end up in a stalemate." " Me fighting you?" " Yeah." "Mike, you came to me." "I didn't come to you, you know." "You're the guy that's telling me I'm gonna this and that and..." "And you get me all mixed-up and all confused." "I don't know." "How does a guy know what he wants to be, especially someone like me?" "Well, kid, the..." "The first thing is to find out what you are." "What am I?" "That's a Very good question." "But the answer ain't Very nice." "I'll tell you what I am." "I'm a nowhere and that's the worst kind of something there is." "I could never, ever be anything I wanted to be." "Because when I tried to be bad," "I was good." "When I tried to be good, I was stupid." "even when I was a kid." "When I was a kid, I was dumb." "When I was a boy," "I was jerky." "And now now I'm a man." "And I'm empty." "Well, that about adds it up." "Except for two Very important things I know about myself." "One," "I'm nothing." "Two," "I sure would like to be something." "Sidney." "Kid, you name it, and I'll help you be it." "You promise?" "I promise." " OK, I know what I wanna be." " Yeah?" "I wanna be somebody that helps other people." "Good, that's good thinking." "I wanna be looked up to and respected." "You will be." " I wanna be a cop." " You wanna be a?" "You wanna be a cop?" "I wanna be a police officer like you." "Now, wait a minute, Sidney, you can't be a..." "No, I mean..." "Yeah, just like I thought, you're not interested." "No, no, I didn't say that." "That's not what I meant." "No, you're like everybody else." " You think I'm stupid." " No, no, I don't." "Well, let me tell you something." "I'm gonna be something if it kills me." "Look, boy, it's not easy being a cop." "What does it cost me to try?" "The pay stinks." "The hours are worse." "It's a rough, tough, thankless job." "You don't wanna be a cop." "Yes, I do." "OK, kid." "I'm gonna make you a cop." "I'm gonna make you the best doggone cop in this town." " Honest to goodness?" " Honest to goodness." "That's wonderful." "Come on, let's go get a badge." "No, wait a minute." "Now, wait a minute, boy." " There's a few things we gotta do first." " Yeah, like what?" "Well, now, we gotta got you enrolled in the police academy." " Well, that sounds like fun." " Fun, yeah." "Well, if you can call 13 weeks of backbreaking work and brain-busting examinations fun," " well, that's it." " Well, don't worry about me." "I can do anything I haVe to do." "I can do anything I wanna do." "Now, how do I get into this here academy?" "Well, first you gotta be recommended by a police officer." " Oh, well, that would be you, right?" " Yeah, that'd be me." "And then what's the next step?" "Well, then the recommendation has to be OK'd by the precinct captain." "Well, that would be Captain Riley." " Well, he likes you, doesn't he?" " Oh, sure, he's crazy about me." "Yeah, especially now." "Then what do we got to worry about?" "Sidney Pythias a police officer?" "Are you out of your mind?" " But, captain..." " Be quiet." "You wanna take this half-baked, dimwitted..." "He's not half-baked and he's not dimwitted." " He's just a little shy." " Shy?" "This creep ought to have his own revolving door." "Well, I can see it's no use arguing with you after what that Henshaw dame told you." "Yeah, and if it wasn't for that Henshaw dame, and you came in here with that stupid suggestion," "I'd hit you over your silly head with that inkstand." "What are you talking about?" "Martha Henshaw just left here." "She told me that in her opinion, you were best qualified to handle so-called delinquents like Sidney." "She said she wouldn't interfere." "Yeah?" " She said that?" " Yeah." "Well, what do you know." "But as far as making Sidney Pythias a police officer, don't you think that's pushing things a little too hard?" "Captain, I promise you he can do it." "And I promise you that in 24 hours, the police academy will be burned to the ground." "No, I won't OK it." "Is that final, sir?" "That's final." "Yes, sir." "Final." " Mike." " Yes, sir?" " Do you really think?" " Captain, he's honest, he's got guts and he's a decent human being." "Captain..." "Captain, I'm begging you." "All right." "I'll OK it." "But get this." "He's your responsibility," " first, last and always." " Yes, sir." " And if anything goes wrong..." " No, no, sir, nothing will go wrong, captain, nothing will go wrong, I promise you." "Nothing, I promise." "Nothing." "Gentlemen, we're in trouble." "Terrible, terrible trouble." " All right, now, do you understand?" " Yeah, perfectly." "I understand that." " OK, what's next?" " Well, this here." " What's that, what's that?" " Your application for the academy." " What's it say, what's it say?" " There's a lot of questions." " For example, for example?" " Well, there's..." " You have to repeat everything twice?" " Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Now, let's get down to..." "Hey, how about that Martha Henshaw turning out to be a right chick, huh?" " Yeah, that's terrific." " You can't knock a girl like her." " No." " She's honest and pretty, beautiful, intelligent." "lovely girl." "You know, and she could really have fouled me up with Captain Riley." "But she didn't." "She turned around and made me a big man." "Oh, that's really terrific." " Yes, sir!" " Now, the appli..." "Hey, you sort of like her, huh?" " Fair." " Fair." "Yeah, well," "I think you like her a little better than a lot." "As a matter of fact, I think that's all you got on your mind right now." "No, you're crazy." "The only thing I got on my mind right now is trying to get you into the police academy." "Come on, now, Martha, let's get this thing filled out." "Well, whatever you say, Harriet." "You know, I was talking to Hilda on the phone Sunday, and she said that there was no chance of us..." "Let's get to the application, then." " Yeah, let's get to these requirements." " Yeah." " You're an American citizen, right?" " Right." " Right. 21 years of age or over, right?" " Right." " Right." "Sound of body?" " Right." "Right." "Sound of mind?" "Could we go back to that question a little later?" "I'd like to check on it." " Here's one." " Where, where?" "Here, here." "They prefer that you speak a smattering of a foreign language." " Why?" " Well, suppose you're put on duty in a neighborhood where they only spoke a foreign language." "Oh, you mean like Brooklyn?" "Well, that makes sense." "I can speak a smattering of Mongolian." " Oh, yeah?" " You wanna hear?" "Yeah." " You're kidding." " Would I lie to you?" "Yeah, well, that's all Very well, but look, you've gotta speak a normal foreign language." "Well, in high school, I took four years of French." " Yeah?" " You wanna hear some?" "Yeah." "No." "No." "All right, Sidney." "Come on, now, we're wasting time." "We've got things to do." " What's this?" " What's what?" " This." " This?" "Well, this is part of your entrance exam." "I borrowed it from the police academy so you could get used to it." " Oh, well, what's it do?" " Oh, well, here." " There we go." " Oh, I know what that is." " Yeah, what is it?" " I don't know what that is." "It's a test designed to test your reflexes and your reactions." "See, now, you take out all these little blocks here, you mix them up all real good, see?" "Then, in a given length of time, you take it back and you put the octagonal in the octagonal hole, the round one in the round hole." " Simple." " You did Very well." " Thank you." " OK, what's next?" "No, no, Sidney, no." "I want you to work the blocks." " Oh, no, wait a minute, that's for kids." " Come on, try it." " No, but I..." " Please." " But I..." " Now!" "OK." "I feel a little silly, though, because kids do this," " you know, and it's so simple." " Out." "Out." " All of them?" " Yeah." "All of them." " All right, now?" " All right." " Now!" " OK." "How much time have I got to do this?" "This..." "Here, I'll put this..." "They don't fit good like when yours..." "Was." "You mustn't get mad, though, when..." "They don't fit as good." "Well, the kids I saw were larger kids, maybe." "You can just throw it right in it." "How did yours fit in so nice when you?" "It's hard to do this part." "It don't work good with me." "This..." "Maybe..." "You get awfully frustrated when they don't..." "Maybe the kids were using different kinds of blocks." "I hurt it a little." "Well, how was the time?" "I mean, I threw one away when I was..." "And I..." "You see..." "What if I didn't?" "You can't close the box?" "But I..." "I mean, it fell into place like..." "How was it, then?" "All right, now, come on, let's get this application filled out." " Come in." " Anybody home?" " Well, look who's here." " Hello, Sidney." "Hello, Miss Henshaw." "Just a minute." "Oh, thank you." " Hello." " Hi!" " I mean, how are you?" " Oh, just fine." "I stopped by to apologize to both of you." "I acted quite childish." "Oh, no, no, it's me who should apologize." "I talked with Captain Riley and..." "I mean, thanks for those kind words." "Well, I know you boys are busy." " No, no, we're not!" " Oh, yes, we are." "You see," "I'm practicing and rehearsing because I'm going into the police academy." "Captain Riley told me." "Good luck, Sidney." " I know you'll pass." " Thank you Very much." " Well, I do have a date." "I should be..." " Well..." "Well, can't you stick around a while?" "How can she?" "We got a lot of work to do." "I gotta learn about the application and putting the blocks, and you gotta teach me..." "Although I know it, so you don't have to teach me nothing." "Why don't you take Miss Henshaw home and I'll stay here and I'll work on this." "Oh, Sidney, that won't be necessary." "I can take a cab." " No, no, I insist!" " He insists." "Yeah." "Come on." "Oh, excuse me a minute." "Sidney, come here." "Look, I want you to study this application, then fill out the questions thoroughly." "I'll check with you when I get off work." " All right?" " All right." "Oh, listen." " You don't like her at all, right?" " No." "No." " Goodbye, Sidney." " Goodbye, Miss Henshaw." "Bye, kid." "I'll lick you yet!" "This goes in here, whether he likes it or not, and that'll fit there." "But it don't fit, so I won't do that one." "I'll put this one here and that one there." "Good morning, officer." "Good evening, officer." "How do you do, officer?" "All right, hold it there." "Come along, children." "Children, come along." "Hold it." "Good morning, honey." "Good afternoon, madam." "Can I help you with your car?" " Sidney!" " Oh, just a minute." "One second." "Sidney!" " Oh, hello, Mr. Herman." " What are you doing?" " Well, I'm just playing a game." " Forget about the games." "What about the lights?" "What about the heat?" " What about the dumbwaiter?" " Well, I fixed the dumbwaiter." " You fixed it?" " Well, yeah." " Well, it don't work!" " Well, I don't understand that." "I fixed it." "I'll show you, Mr. Herman." "I don't understand at all, because I worked Very hard on this thing." "I worked and worked to make sure that it was..." "I..." " So you fixed it?" " Yeah, well, I thought..." "Get out of there!" "I'll fix this thing once and for all myself." "Be careful of your head, Mr. Herman." " Get me a flashlight!" " Yeah, but I'd like to..." " Shut up and get me a flashlight!" " Yes, I will." "I really don't understand this at all." "I fixed it." "And you better be careful that you don't hurt yourself." "Your whole place can get..." "From in there." "Sidney!" "Hello." "I said, hello." "I think." " Goodbye." " Sidney." "Yeah?" " Sidney, am I unattractiVe?" " Oh, no, ma'am." "Am I old, decrepit, witchlike?" " Oh, no." " Then why in the world do you constantly ignore me?" "I'm a young woman, 21 years old, and whether you know it or not, quite in demand by young men who would just love to take me out." "I know that." "I know that." "I know you're in constant demand." "I know a lot about you." "I know you're 21 years of age and you were born in Albany, you're studying to be a nurse." "I know all that." "You're Very young, you're Very pretty, you're Very much in demand with other fellas and you smell nice." " Well, then why in the world?" " Why in the world?" "Because I'm nothing." "You don't deserve to be with that, a nothing." "You wait till it's something, me." "When I'm something, then I'll talk to you." "I don't think you should be with nothing." "That's it, see?" "And I'll be something." "And until then, there's no hugging." "Or kissing and things..." "With smelling nice." "I'll be somebody and when I'm somebody, then it'll be right." "But I'm not now, so it's no good at all to be with you." "And when I'm somebody, and it'll be sooner than you think, sooner than a lot of people think, I'll be something, then I'll talk to you and all that." "I'll empty your wastebasket." "You smell nice." "Dropped a few of those things..." " Is this it?" " This is it, kid." "Well, Mike," "I'm gonna go and pass my entrance examinations with flying colors." " You can do it, kid." " I can do it, kid." "You can do it as well as anybody else, Sidney." "I can do it as well as anybody else, Sidney." " You're gonna be a police officer." " I'm going home." " You're gonna stay right here." " Well, I'm scared, Mike." "Now, look, Sidney, after you pass your entrance examinations," " you're over the first big hurdle." " Yeah, I know, but I'm still scared." "I'd like you to be with me." "Maybe you could help me." "That's another thing, now, Sidney." "Remember, I'm a police officer." "As far as you're concerned, I've gotta take a completely unbiased attitude." "But after work at night, I'll help you out a little." " Oh, good." "Thanks a lot, Mike." " Good luck, kid." " Thank you." " Goodbye." "So long." " Next." " Yes, sir." " Name?" " William C. Goerner, sir." "Goerner." "Your temporary serial number is 016439712." "You got that?" "Yes, sir." "My temporary serial number is 016439712." "All right." "You fill out this entrance examination, answering all required questions." "Then proceed immediately to be graded, third floor, Room 305, by Sergeant Rose, after which you'll report to section nine, personal analysis, B Unit, Sergeant Brown." " Is that clear?" " Yes, sir." "I fill out the entrance examination, answering all required questions." "I then proceed immediately to be graded, third floor, Room 305," "Sergeant Rose." "I then report to section nine, personal analysis, Unit B, Sergeant Brown." "Right." "Next." " Yes, sir." " Name?" "Pythias." "Sidney L. Pythias." "Peentakiss." "No, sir, I beg your pardon, that's Pythias." "P-Y-T-H-l-A-S, Pythias." " That's what I said. "Pinktinius"." " No, there's no "pink"." "No, it's a "Pyth"." "P-Y-T-H-l-A-S is Pythias." "There's no "pink" in it." "Poontangginius, your temporary..." "Where'd you get "Poontangginius"?" "No." "No, there's no "poontan" in it." "There's no "pink" and there's not even..." "It's plain "Pyth"." "P-Y-T-H-l-A-S, Pythias." "Your temporary serial number is 016439713." " You got that?" " There's no "poontan" in it." " No, you said "Poontanggini"." " I said..." "No." "Just a second, please excuse me." "It's not "Poontanahah", it's Pythias." "Pyth..." "Excuse me." "It's Pyth..." "P-Y..." "P-Y-T-H-l-A-S." " It's Pythias, Sidney." " I am not interested in your name." "Did you get that serial number?" "Oh, that..." "My serial number?" "Yeah, 0 and 2 was there..." " Was?" " Never mind." "Never mind." "It's written on the application anyway." "So I don't need it, do I?" "All right, you're section five, so you'll go to Room 619, sixth floor, Unit B and ask for Sergeant Mizakowski." "He'll give you an AMR number and assign you." "Now, you got that straight?" "Yes, sir." "I go up to the floor and it's Room 69." "And there's a Sergeant Misan, and he'll give me an A and P number." "Six-nineteen." "Room..." " Now you got me mixed up." " 619." "I got it now." " Look, it's Mizakowski, Sergeant..." " I got it now." "Sergeant Mizandhidin." "Sergeant Mizakowski." "No, Pythias." "P-Y-T-H-l-A-S is my name." "I thought I was Mizankouzin." "See?" " Now, just listen to me, mister." " Yes, sir." "Yes." " Just get up there." " Get up there." "Where, sir?" "Anywhere." "I don't care, anywhere, ad-lib it, do anything, but get out of here!" "Yes, I will." "Do I get my papers?" "Mizanhausen is on the sixth place with the 19th..." "Very difficult." " Next." " Yes, sir." " Name?" " Mizakowski." "Chester A. Mizakowski." "How would you like a punch in the mouth?" "Say, is this where they told me?" "They said to come to the room." "This here?" "Are you Sergeant Mizenkozen?" "This is your first step in the examination, and you've got 30 seconds to do it in." "Oh, the box." "Oh, this is the box with the squares and the..." "The rectangulars and "octagoganals"." "I worked with that." "This is a snap, 30 seconds to do..." "It's a different box." "Left hut!" "Right face!" "Parade front!" "Left face!" "One step forward!" "March!" "Left face!" "Forward march!" "Hut, hut." "Rear march!" "Rear march!" "Rear march!" "Rear march!" "Rear march!" "Halt!" "First of all, be sure the ink is distributed thinly and evenly on the glass plate." "Then taking the hand, firmly take the thumb, or whatever finger you would use, roll it on the glass plate from left to right." "Then transfer in the same manner to the record." "Now, we'll try it with you first." " All right?" " Well..." " You'd rather have this hand?" " I'm nervous." "It doesn't make a difference." "The chart has for both hands, right and left." " Yeah, but I..." " Now, just relax." " Yeah." " Just relax." "That's it." " I never been fingerprinted before." " Don't worry about it." "Doesn't hurt." "Now, just relax." "Now, we'll put it right here..." " I'm sorry, but you see, I'm nervous." " Pythias, I said to relax." " Yes, I will." " Just relax your hand." " All right." " Relax it." "All right, now." " Relax your hand." " Well, I'm trying," " but I'm nervous." " I'll tell you what we'll do." "We will now ink the tips of the four fingers and transfer them in the same manner." "All right?" "Now, relax." "Just relax." "That's it." "Well, it's just that I was nervous, you see." " There's nothing..." " Well, don't get mad, because I was just gonna say that I'm nervous..." "I didn't mean..." "Well, you see..." "What I meant to say was that because of this..." " Wipe it off." " Wipe it off?" "Yes." "Well, I'm awfully sorry, sir, but I'm nervous..." "Well, a little will help it, I think." " Wipe it off." " Yes, sir." "I'm awfully sorry about..." "Maybe I got a different rag to get it." "Today we're covering one of the most important facets of police work:" "Self-defense." "We're Very fortunate today in having with us the Great Togo." "He has graciously consented to give us an actual demonstration in the art of sumo wrestling." " How do you do, Mr. Togo?" " Konnichi wa." "Yeah, konnichi wa." "Now, then, how would you like to proceed?" "Doyu hoho o tottara ii deshoka?" "Kono naka kara dareka hitori erandara dodeshoka ne?" "He would like to pick his opponent." "Oh, fine!" "Fine." "Come on in." "Here are the boys." "Kono hito wa dodeshoka ne?" "He prefers this young man." "Well, now, wait a minute." "I don't wanna tell Mr. Togo his business here, but you..." "You'd better tell him that I'd better wrestle him." "Dame rashii desu yo." "Kono kata no ho ga keiken ga arunkara dodesho ka?" "Kono kata to sumo shitara ne." "Lya, kono hito wa dame jya." "Yappari boku kono hito no ho ga ii wai." "He still prefers this man to wrestle with." "Well, excuse..." "Excuse..." "I mean..." "I would..." "I would..." "Would you be good enough to ask him for me, please, why he wants me?" "Naze kono hito ga iindesu ka?" "Kono hito wa kore, chotto Nihonjin mitai na kao shiteru kara ne." " What did he say?" " Because you look Japanese." "Oh, because I look Japanese." "Oh, well..." " OK, if that's the way you want it." " No, no, wait a minute, Sidney..." "Well, it's all right, Mike." "He could have chosen anyone, but he picked me and..." "That's fine, wonderful, except I don't think it's fair." " No, I don't think it's fair either." " No, because" "I'm taller and he can get hurt." "All right, men!" "Disperse around the edge of the mat." "Sit down." "Mr. Terry." "All right." "Now, then, Mr. Terry, how do we begin?" "Assume the first position." "Well, he told me to come..." "He said to take this place." "Go!" " Now what?" " Approach the opponent." "Hakkeyoi." "Oh, wait a second." "What a scare job!" "Hey, wait." "No, wait one second, please." "Don't..." "Don't hurt me." "I mean, let's talk a little." "What?" "Wait, wait." "Friday, if I can get the car, all right?" "What?" "What did he say then?" "He says, "Don't be afraid!"" "Yeah, I guess it's silly." "What's there to be?" "Afraid of?" "Wait a second." "Don't you help me, that..." "There's plenty to be afraid..." "Wait, hold it a second." "Listen, the "inferityority" complex with the smoking, I think, is what did it." "Sure, you're short, but don't take it out on me." "Wait a second!" "Wait a second." "I can be tough and rough too." "Don't go with scaring me." "I can scare a little too." "Wait!" "Wait." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I don't need this." "With pain, with hurting, with killing and hurts." "Don't..." "I don't need this at all!" "I shouldn't have Volunteered in the first place..." "No!" "Judo." "Oh, that's good." "That's Very..." "Oh, that's good judo." "He's got me now!" "But try one of these!" "I got him." "I got him!" "Try and get out of this." "He's a little heavy, but I think I got him." "Look at this, he'll never get..." "Wait a second, I don't wanna do nothing no more." "Don't fight with me." "Pick somebody else." "Don't do nothing, it's not gonna..." "I think I'm immune already, you see, because you hit..." "It's nothing, you see, I think you can hit me..." "I..." " Are you serious?" " No, I'm only kidding." " OK?" " Oh, yeah." " You feel better now?" " That's fine." " All right?" " Yeah, that's much better." " Mike?" " Here." "Here." " Wow, he was a fat one, wasn't he?" " Yeah, he was." "You shouldn't do things like that." "Boy, you can get yourself killed that way." "Well, I had to do it, Mike." "I knew I was goofing in some of my classes and..." "Well, I had to do it." "I didn't want those other guys to think I was scared." "Don't worry about the other guys!" "You're doing fine." "Now, just keep it up." " Am I really?" " Yeah!" "I gotta go." "There's my class for principles of local government." " So I'll see you later, Mike." " Yeah, all right, boy." "Goodbye." "Hi, Johnny." " Hello, Mike." "Wasn't that Pythias?" " Yeah." "Say, how's he doing?" "Fair." "We might have to wash him out." "Oh, no, Johnny." "Look, Johnny, you gotta do me a favor." "He's gotta get every possible break." "Mike, we all know how you feel about the kid, but..." "Please, Johnny!" "If it's humanly possible, we've gotta get him through." "If he isn't police officer material, Mike, he'll fail." "We can't show any favoritism, you know that." "Now, the next phase of training should make or break him." "Starting tomorrow night, he goes on actual police patrol with a proven police officer." "If he gets by that, he should make it." "Yeah." "Thanks." "have something to eat, Mike." "It's delicious." "Oh, I'm not Very hungry, thanks." "Sidney trouble?" "Oh, Mike, I hate to seem impatient with you, but you must admit a girl can get quite bored with having her evenings spoiled by the ghost of Sidney Pythias." "Oh, please don't start that again, now, will you?" "I'm afraid I haVe to start it again." "Unfortunately, I'm an important part of this whole situation." "I like you, Mike." "Very much." " I think you like me." " You know I do." "And I've got enough ego to wish I were just as important in your thoughts as Sidney." "Am I, Mike?" "What are you trying to do, Martha?" "Box me into a corner?" "You know how much that kid means to me." "Yes, I do." "Now I wanna know how much I mean to you." "OK." "I'm not gonna play games with you." "I like you Very much." "I like you more than any other woman I've ever known." "But I think we better get something understood right now." "You take me, you take the kid." "And that's only the beginning." "There'll always be other Sidneys, hundreds of them." "Kids that need help." "They'll always be an important part of my life." "I see." "I'm sort of third in this league." " No, I didn't say that..." " You don't think you did, but to me it's spelled out quite plainly." "Third place, barely in the money." "I'm sorry, Mike, but I've got to be a winner." "Or at least share first position." " Mike?" " Yeah?" "I wanted you to call me back." "Would you also want me to lie to you?" "No." "No, I wouldn't." " Yeah." " Oh, hello, Mike." "This is me, Sidney." "Listen, Mike..." "Oh, excuse me, I know that you're over there with Martha." "But I'm just working here on my examinations and I'm not doing so good." "Maybe you could help me?" "Sure, sure, sure, kid, come right on over." "Oh, I can come over?" "Oh, well, thanks a lot." " You're sure Martha won't care?" " No, Sidney." "Oh, OK." "All right, I'll be right over, Mike." "Thank you Very much." "Goodbye." "Where you going, Sidney?" "I'm going somewhere." "Hey, I said, I haVe to go somewhere." "You're sure busy lately, ain't you, kid?" "What with police school and stuff." "Forgetting all about your old friends, huh, Sidney?" "What's this all about?" "What do you guys want?" "We don't want nothing, Sidney." "We're just trying to be socialable." "Thought we'd stop by and see how you're doing at the police academy." "Gonna be a cop, huh, Sidney?" "Yeah, I'm gonna be a cop." "If they'll have me." "Oh, man, what a snap it's gonna be for guys like us if they load the force" " with goofs like you." " Now, wait a minute..." "You're really going ahead with this thing, huh, kid?" "Yes, I'm going ahead with it." "You gotta be nuts." "What's the matter with you, you wanna be legit?" "Yeah, I wanna be legit." "What's so strange about that?" "Don't you know every cop's a sucker?" "He's a chump, man." "He don't make enough loot to keep him in cigarettes." "And he's a patsy, a 14-carat patsy for every sharpie in town." " Oh, is that so?" " Yeah." "Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Smart-Aleck." "A police officer happens to have the respect of decent people, which eliminates you and your friends, Monk." "Let him alone!" " Come on, Art." "Let him alone." " Why?" "Get out of here!" "Maybe I got you figured all wrong." "What I mean is, maybe you're smarter than I figured you were." "How do you mean?" "The angle." " What angle?" " Well, yours." "You gotta have one." "Look, Sidney, nobody, I mean nobody, does nothing without an angle." "If you got something taped, let me in on it, maybe I can make it easier for you." " You're crazy, Monk." " I'm what?" "You're nutty." "You gotta be a little nutty." "Because you figure that the whole world..." "The whole world is built sideways and that everybody's looking to put a finger on everybody else." " And that don't add up, huh?" " No, that don't add up, Monk." "All right, fat mouth, why don't you show me where I'm wrong." "Maybe you're the perfect example?" "A janitor making 60 stinking bucks a month to wrestle garbage people throw at you." "The same people that laugh at you, spit at you, tab you as an idiot!" "You're a fine one to tell me that there's a shining light somewhere!" "Yeah?" "Well, I'm gonna..." "You're gonna nothing." "You're gonna wind up just like me, kicking and scratching every inch of the way!" "Look, Sidney, wise up." "There ain't no shortcuts." "Man, you gotta draw blood!" "Well, you're wrong, Monk." "You're all wrong, see?" "Because nobody's gotta get hurt." "See, I used to be like you, Monk, and I got lucky." "See, because I found out I was wrong." "That nobody's looking to break your back." "There's an awful lot of nice people in this world, Monk, and I just wanna be one of them." "Yeah." "Well, you listen to me, Sidney, and you listen hard." "You ain't got a chance." "Because guys like you and me are born losers and we gotta come up empty." "There ain't no other way." "But I got a clue for you." "Before I go under," "I'm gonna make a lot of noise." "Monk." "Monk, why didn't you let me belt that jerk?" " I mean, what'd you stop me for?" " I got confused." " Confused?" " Yeah." "He made sense." "Let's get out of here." "Now, this phase in your training is probably the most important one." "It's a chance for you to prove how you'll function under typical circumstances as a police officer." "Now, each one of you cadets will be paired off with a tried police officer, who will judge you on your performance during this trial period." "You've now had 12 full weeks of police training, but should an emergency arise, you're to make no decisions on your own." "But you're to look to him for whatever solution is necessary." "And remember this, you're under arms." "Now, don't touch that gun unless you intend to shoot somebody." "And if you do, you'd better have a sound reason." "Dismissed." "Well, Mike, I'm all excited." "I wonder what part of town we'll get." "Well, it'll look familiar to you, kid." "It's your neighborhood." "My?" " Good evening, sir." " Hello, officer." " Hi, officer." " Good evening, ma'am." " Nice night." " Get out of here!" "It happens." "It is a nice evening, though, isn't it?" " Yeah, it's nice and quiet." " Don't knock it, boy." "every day without trouble is a plus." "I know that, but I was kind of looking forward to a little action tonight." " Yeah?" " Komm schnell!" " Officer, komm schnell!" " Was ist?" "Come on, Sidney, we'd better go." "Why, she's gonna have a baby!" "Why don't you take her to the hospital." "Mama." "Mama." "Where's the telephone?" "I'll call the ambulance, take her to the hospital." "The telephone!" "Komm rein." "Ich werd's zeigen." "Where you going?" "You stay here!" " Me?" " Yeah, you!" " Wait a minute." "What if the baby?" " Relax." "She's got plenty of time." "Now, don't worry about it." "Lady, don't do nothing." "I mean, ma'am, they went to get a hospital to come here to take you to the ambulance, you see." "So relax." "Well, just take it easy, ma'am." "Don't do nothing now." "Just..." "Could you wait just a few minutes?" "How long does it take to make a phone call, lady?" "You see, because..." "What is it?" "Oh, wait, please." "Just do me a favor, would you?" "Personal." "Wait, because..." "They'll be right back." "Take your mind off it for a second, lady." "Maybe if you just took your mind off it, you'll feel better." "Like I play baseball." "You like baseball?" "Once, I was playing baseball..." "Just listen to this." "Oh, please wait!" "They'll be back..." "It'll only..." "Oh, lady." "Lady, wait!" "Please, lady, wait!" "I'm highly emotional." "Wait!" "What's the matter with you guys?" "Does it take an hour to get here?" "Come on, come on." "Here, boys." "Ma'am, is?" "Sidney, wh?" "Oh, look, Mike, it's a boy baby!" "And she wants to name him Sidney!" "Ain't that nice?" "It sure is." "It sure is." "Car 119." "Car 119." "Go to 16th Street alley entrance." "Illegal entry." " Isn't that us?" " That's us, boy." "Here's the action you asked for." "May be real trouble this time, huh, Mike?" "Yeah, it could be, kid." "Easy, boy, easy!" "It's only a flesh wound." "Now, who in the devil shot him?" "That wasn't necessary." "You didn't have to shoot me." " You didn't have to shoot me." " Take it easy, son." "Call an ambulance." " Let me have your gun." " Yes, sir." "Yours." "All right, Carl." "Let me see yours." " Well, where is it?" " I don't know, sir." "I had..." " That it?" " Yes, sir." "You've got some explaining to do, young fella." " Now, wait a minute, sergeant." " He did it, sarge." "He shot me, I saw him!" "That ain't true." "You're lying, Artie!" "I ain't lying!" "You shot me, copper!" "I didn't, Mike." "I didn't." "He's lying." "Honest." "I didn't do it." " He assigned to you?" " Yes, sir." "OK." "Take him to Captain Riley's office." "Carl, stay with this boy till the ambulance comes." "You, come with me." "Artie, Artie, tell them I didn't shoot you." "Yes, you did." "You shot me, copper." " You're lying, Artie." " I ain't lying." " Artie, you're lying." " I ain't lying." "You shot me!" "Sidney..." "You're a loser, Sidney!" " Hello, Mike." " Yeah." "I heard about Sidney." "You should feel real good." " He's in trouble." "Bad trouble." " I feel just delighted, Mike." "So much so I came here to Volunteer my services as his attorney." " I'm sorry." " All I want from you, Officer Damon, are the facts on what happened last night." "OK." "Fact number one, it was an accident." " Yes." " Fact number two..." "I can't let that kid ruin his life." " But if he shot the boy..." " He didn't." "I did." " You?" " Yeah." "The boys were involved in a heist." "They were coming down the stairs, we came in the alley." "We met in the..." " You're not listening." " No, because you're lying." "You're a liar, Mike Damon." "A wonderfully loyal liar." "Captain Riley, sir, what happened?" "Well, the boy signed a statement identifying Sidney." "We're going to have to book him." "Captain Riley..." "Captain, sir, Sidney did not shoot that boy." "That's what Sidney says, that's what you say." "OK, I'll play along." "Who did?" "Nobody did." "I saw his gun fall out of his holster, and I ran over and picked it up." "You ain't gonna buy this, but all I wanted to do was steal it." "It's worth about 20 bucks, you know?" "Anyway, some guy belted me and the gun flew out of my hand and landed on the street." "Went off and that's how Artie got hit." "Now, don't ask me why I came here." "I ain't bright enough to answer that." "Except..." "Just because I'm a stupe, that ain't no reason for Sidney not to climb out of the garbage I'm buried in." "He didn't shoot him." " Well, Artie said..." " Artie's lying." "give me 30 seconds with him and I'll prove it to you." "Gee, thanks a lot, Monk." "Don't thank me." "Captain, any time you're ready, I'll have a little talk with Artie" " and sign a statement." " Fine, Monk." "Oh, Captain Riley, sir." "Captain, I was wondering about Sidney's progress report." "This incident won't have any effect on it, will it?" "Are you asking me if I'm recommending his appointment" " as a police officer?" " Yes, sir." "Yes, I'm recommending him!" "I think you'll make a fine officer." "Thank you, Captain Riley, sir!" " Congratulations, boy!" " Thank you, Mike." "And thank you Very much for all your help." " It was my pleasure." " Well, I better go call Patricia." " She's anxiously waiting." " Yeah." "Thank you, Miss Henshaw." "Thank you Very much." "I know why you came down and I appreciate it." "You're welcome, Sidney, and good luck." "Thank you, Miss Henshaw." "Mike..." "Monk's not gonna be in big trouble, is he?" "No, no, Sidney." "I think everything will be all right." "Oh, good!" "OK." "Goodbye." "Goodbye, Sidney." "Is that a boy?" "Is that a boy." "Oh, Sidney, you look wonderful." "Tall and handsome and..." " Respected?" " Respected." " I'm so proud of you." " Thank you." "Well, I haVe to go to work." "Would you sit here?" " Yes, sir." " Right here." "Well, gentlemen," "I suppose you're wondering why I've asked you here." "Well, let's put it this way." "Your problems are my problems." "Artie, tell me something about yourself." "What are you and what do you wanna be?"