"no, i think u r turning on sexy i do. u just got remember it cleared if you watch" "Hey, Jake, how about u and me going out..." "OK now i have a question for u if I need a lung, and ur dad need a lung who would u give your lung to?" "wow i c... i'll never think about it" "Jake, i'm talking to you..." "Don't give me the hands hang on...i'm talking to a girl!" "sorry, i don't know...there was nobody that's it...time to get a new kid" "hey alan u wanna to catch a movie tonight?" "I can't. i am taking a lady friend to the hollywood ball for the romantic evening under the stars with michael bublie and three honors of American idol" "what's in the bag?" "the news?" "it's a picnic basket fried chicken,a bottle of me-lo,and an autograph purp i guess it can get lucky" "why u didn't take Jake to the movies?" "no, idon't like him anymore ok, why didn't u take ur many ... oh let's call them "girlfriends"" "yeah i could. but after the movie i gotta bring them back here and after i bring them back here, i gotta get them upstairs and after i get them upstairs i gotta get them go home" "it just the time to see the affairs anymore u know it's possible you might enjoy ur dates more if u r went out with a woman who is capable using ur hand for sth. rather than a place to rest their ankle" "what do u say?" "too subtle?" "im saying,u might have a better time if u r seeing someone who had a plain form personality or with even remotely age appropriate defined age-appropriate got it r u out of mind" "come on Charles what i am saying now is 39 we have a wonderful time because we'r so much in common we can talk we can share we can laugh talking sharing and laughing was fine but what about her ears" "what about?" "years,never stop rolling alen and i like a nice talk lobe" "this conversation is over i'll see u later why do u think all the ladies wear big earrings?" "it make their ears look smaller i'm the only one who noticed" "i'd like to make a toast to my wife darling she've given me the happiest 20years of my life why?" "machine and comer?" "i can't imagine living without u u complete me" "she's get several years on it" "u could wanna fly with those things" "hey pal just you and me tonight huh" "yeah i know how u feel there is a lot of fish in the sea but after u catch them and eat'em then what?" "yeah i'm straight, it's not worked by hairsle oh i make mistake didn't know u had a date" "hey if u two don't have any plan why don't u fly to the hollywood ball and take a crap on my brother?" "really?" "i dream about u,too." "what was your dream?" "we were on a training in a tunnel?" "sounds kind of boring." "it means what?" "!" "you're up early no way." "i am not just getting home" "| couldn't sleep,so i went for a walk dad, a little privacy, please?" "okay." "i just didn't want you to get the wrong idea." "i'm confused." "if i'm in the train,how can i be the train?" "at least he'not the tunnel." "morning." "i'm just getting in." "yeah. can see that." "didn't get much sleeplast night." "and yet i feel totally rested." "good for you." "i mean, rested but... spent." "get u well, not so much spent as happily depleted" "joyously bereft of.. -i get it!" "you got laid." "and.... michael bublie's autograph." "congratulations." "so... how was your evening?" "oh!" "you know, i talked to donna abou||you." "donna?" "the woman i was with last night." "oh, yeah. you talk,you share, you laugh." "kiss my ass." "anyway, it turns out she has a friend who's newly single, and i suggested... a blind date?" "forget it." "charlie harper does not go on blind dates." "he doesn't?" "no, heoesn't." "can't we ask him?" "don't bother." "i know what he'll say." "okay, but does he have to say it in the third person?" "look, i don't need anybody to get me dates." "i can get my own dates yes, but you were complaining that the women you go out with don't fulfill you." "donna's friend is beautiful,she's accomplished, she's smart." "how old is she?" "i think around 40." "hello." "flippity-flappity flappity!" "still with the ears." "it's not just ears." "women that age have a lot of baggage." "right. and you've just got a carry-on." "think about this." "what if i meet this woman i like her, she likes me,we get married and settle down?" "we're both 40 now." "in 20 years,i gotta be 60 and do you know in how old she'll gonna be?" "60?" "60?" "i rest my case." "that was nice, huh?" "i guess." "my ear's still a little soggy." "sorry so, "deedee."" "is that short for anything like what?" "i don't know." "dee... dum did no. it's just a nickname." "oh. well, what's your real name?" "sissy." "sissy, huh?" "i guess that means you throw a ball like a girl." "i am a girl." "right." "is charlie short for anything?" "charles." "oh. that's not really shorter, is it?" "excuse me." "why?" "did you fart?" "no. you ha up first." "okay, count three." "one, two, three." "you didn't hang up, did you?" "me neither." "okay, set it up." "what?" "the blind date with the old chick. i'm in." "what?" "alan, let's go!" "relax. we've got plenty of time." "i just don't want to be late." "i can't believe it." "you're nervous about a date." "of course i'm nervous." "what am i going to talk to her about?" "i haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since high school." "well, charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age." "there's always somhing to talk about, because what you've been through, she's been through." "oh, i hardly think so." "all right. point taken." "but she's a fascinating woman." "she's a municipal court judge she teaches law at ucla." "oh, man, you didn't tell me that does that make a diffrence?" "it makes a big difference." "the smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass." "you know,i'm already regretting this." "and for good reason." "let's just call it off." "no, no, no. it's too late for that." "just relax and...i don't know... be yourself." "and, by "yourself," i mean someone else entirely." "anything else?" "well, as long we've opened this particular can of worms, you might want to rethink the bowling shirt." "why?" "well, as i said, she's a judge and a law professor, and let's let's be honest,you don't bowl." "all right. i'll go change." "and charlie?" "yeah?" "while you're at it, why don't we go for the big boy pants?" "fine" "oh. there they're." "hang on, hang on, hang on." "which one's mine?" "the.. the one on the right." "wow!" "she's 40?" "she has the ears of a 20-year-old." "come on." "did you think she had 'em done?" "sorry we're late." "charlie couldn't decide what to wear." "oh. i think he looks very nice." "thank you.charlie, this is donna." "hi. how are you?" "hi." "and this is my friend, linda." "nice to meet you." "nice to meet you, too." "i've heard a lot about you." "and i've heard a lot about you, too." "and i gotta say, i am pleasantly surprised." "really?" "how so?" "well||alan tells me you're a judge and a professor." "and, quite frankly, i wasn't expect so... -so what, charlie?" "uh yummy hm?" "that was wrong, wasn't it?" "yes that was wrong what... what i meant as i was expecting you to be... more yo know dry but you're not you're actually kind of... moist." "oh, good lord." "you know what?" "you know what?" "i-i think i'd like to start over hi, i'm charlie." "linda hi, linda." "i got to tell you, i have never met a judge before." "you know, voluntarily." "better?" "anything's better than "moist." "so how do you know each other?" "oh, well, we met in the church choir, then we found out our kids were in the same preschool." "next thing you know, we're on the carnival committee together, doing the bake sale... -oh, which reminds me, i'm supposed to be snack mom next tuesday--can you switch with me?" "oh yeah, no problem. -thanks." "hey, why don't we order some drinks?" "just iced tea for me. -oh, me, too uh, charlie, you want ice tea?" "why on earth would i want iced tea?" "because you don't drink alcohol during the daytime." "oh, right." "of course not." "iced tea, rocks, water back." "uh, excuse me, miss?" "yes,can i help... charlie?" "oh, hey, hi." "how come you never called me?" "funny story." "long story tell you later." "can we get four iced teas, please?" "i'll be right back." "(chuckles)old friend?" "yeah, you know church choir, bake sale." "you may not want to drink the iced tea." "you know, alan, i got to hand it to you-- linda is really something." "yeah yeah, she's terrific." "but let me ask you something." "what in god's name possessed you to talk about pornography?" "hey she started it she wasn't talking about pornography." "she was talking about constitutional law and the preservation of the first amendment." "which includes pornography." "yes, it does, but it does not include your favorite actresses, top ten dvd's or your beefs about the bonus features." "i just pointed out that the blooper though funny, are really more of a turnoff." "yeah, yeah, hi donna." "um, charlie and i were just talking about what a nice time we had." "okay, i'm sorry." "we... i'm sorry." "ask her if linda likes me." "h-hang on." "you're kidding, right?" "come on, chicks talk to each other." "uh, donna, would you please tell my brother what you just told me. here." "hey, donna. talk to me." "i see." "okay, well, thanks for the heads-up." "linda didn't like me." "go figure." "i told her notto drink the iced tea." "that's what i heard... danny sholander likes jennifer denapoli." "really?" "he's gay?" "does he know that?" "you got to get me another crack at her." "what?" "linda. i-i can't let it end this way." "let what end?" "it was a lunch." "no, no, no, no, it was more than a lunch." "it was a test:" "is charlie harpel capable of stepping up to quality women?" "oh, god, we're back to third person." "alan, i am tired of having meaningless sex with hot pinheads." "what a coincidence--I'm tired of hearing about it." "linda's smart, linda's sophisticated, linda's successful." "linda doesn't like you." "she will-- i can make her." "you just need to tell donna to tell linda to give me another chance." "fine, i'll pass her a note during study hall." "don't belittle my feelings." "i'm in a very sensitive place, and i will kick your ass." "oh, come on, charlie, so you struck out with a woman." "it happens." "believe me... it happens." "and when it does the best thing to do is to pick yourself up dust yourself off and curse god for making you the way you are." "all right, forget it i don't need you." "i'll call her myself." "sorry about the "curse god" stuff but we both know i'm not your best work." "yeah, hi. can i speak to judge linda ha||is, please?" "charlie harper." "yes, again." "all right,fine put me through to voice mail." "baging a judge won't get you out of jury duty believe me, i've tried." "quiet." "yeah, hi, linda.it's charlie again." "i just want you to know that this will be m||" "last message." "i figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order look who i'm tellin'." "anway, i know we didn't get off on the right foot, but that's just because i'm not used to spending time with such a remarkable and accomplished woman." "keep shoveling." "and it's true, i've lived a certain kind of life up until now." "i'm not saying that i'm pr||d of it, but i'||m not ashamed of it, either." "why else would you have videotap|| most of it?" "i'm begging you." "so,you want to call me back, call me back." "if not, well, have a nice life." "but it'd be a nicer life if you called me." "well... i never thought i'd see charlie harper on his knees." "you know, figuratively." "can we please talk about me in the first person?" "what's make the girl so special?" "a brain." "what're you gonna do with a brain?" "it doesn't matter;" "she'll never call me." "oh, don't talk like that." "just because she's smart and succes||ul doesn't mean she's not damaged enough too ||t with you." "thanks, berta, that means a lot." "hello?" "jake's not here try him at his mom's house." "where are you going?" "i don't know, someplace where the bottle||are full and the women are empty." "and the skies are not cloudy all day." "$50 fine, time served." "call the next case." "case number 1217-07,charlie harpel, charged with drunk and disorderly, resisting arrest." "charlie?" "small world, huh?" "approach the bench, please." "excuse me." "i think this is personal." "please tell me you did not get yourself arrested just so you could see me." "you got me." "charlie, what am i'm going to do with you?" "have dinner with me." "otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree." "all right,one dinner." "now step back." "yes, ma'am." "how do you plead?" "guilty your honor" "is this a first offense?" "yes, your honor." "all right, $500 fine." "$500?" "last time..-last time?" "thank you, your honor." "next case." "case number 1217-08, heddi jones, charged with solicitation." "hey, charlie." "g me up, alan." "where's your car?" "good question." "oh... charlie... yeah, we just got my uncle out of jail it was cool.i saw a real pim" "i hope you learned a lesson here." "i sure did." "and what was that lesson if a woman won't return your calls, get drunk,get arrested,then lie through your teeth." "that's it?" "that's what you learned?" "well, also, if your cellmate wants your bologna sandwich, just give it to him." "okay,i'll be your pimp if you'll be my bee-atch." "jake that's enough with the phone." "nobody. what were you saying?" "i'd have kept the phone and tossed the kid."