"MAN:" "Hello." "Can we buy three tickets for the Games please?" "WOMAN:" "Certainly, sir." "Which event?" "The one were the prisoners take on the wild beasts." "The prisoner executions, sure." "Hm." "They're all sold out, I'm afraid." "More shows will be added if there's enough appetite." "From the punters or the beasts?" "Both." "You're welcome to add your names to the waiting list." "How about them massive chubby chickens?" "The ostrich show's sold out too." "Oh, the Mr Fatty Long-Nose." "As is the elephant parade." "What do you have tickets for?" "The only animal show not sold out is the pig chase." "Right." "What does that involve?" "Guys trying to catch some greased up pigs." "That sounds absolutely mind blowing." "We're not paying to watch pigs." "You can get that on a farm." "We have to see something." "Three tickets for the pig chase." "That's just sold out." "Oh, for fu..." "# OLI JULIAN FEAT." "MICHAEL PROPHET:" "When in Rome" "I really wouldn't bother." "Nothing good happens to us." "Accept it." "I will not accept it." "No, sir." "We've got no money." "The one with the best job is a slave." "Ah, thank you." "And in the biggest city in the world," "I still can't find anyone who'll go out with me." "It's a dry patchizzle." "You'll put that thing to use sooner or later." "(SCOFFS) I may as well cut it off and use it as a spare thumb." "Hey, will you be my boyfriend?" "Er... (CHUCKLES) Sorry." "Will I...?" "I need you to be my boyfriend now." "Oi, you there." "Please?" "Ah, yes." "Yes." "Sure." "Are you an animal rights dickhead who's lobbing tomatoes at the area?" "Excuse me, Officer." "Tomatoes?" "Yeah." "The splatty red things?" "That is a criminal offence." "Even in Gaul, I imagine." "But, Officer," "I've been with my boyfriend all afternoon." "Ah, yes." "I'm her boyfriend." "Hello." "Oh, yeah?" "Doing what?" "We've been buying things for dinner." "Haven't we, darling?" "Oh..." "Yes!" "I'm cooking a romantic dinner of grapes... ..and an egg." "Mm." "My favourite." "If you don't mind, we really must go home and make love now." "Ooh." "Er, OK." "Yeah." "On you go." "As you were." "(CHUCKLES) Sorry." "I am sorry for kissing you." "It's fine." "You can keep the tomato." "Is that it then?" "Have we broken up already?" "I should find my other dickhead." "We are doing another protest tonight if you want to join us." "We'd love to." "Meet us by the area at sunset." "I'm Marcus, by the way." "Delphine." "You gonna eat that?" "That was incredible." "You could see the sparks fly, right, G Man?" "I was more focussing on the tomato, to be fair." "She was just using me as an alibi." "She could have grabbed anyone." "But she grabbed you." "It's definitely destiny, man." "I'm not sure destiny's thought this through." "She's from Gaul." "She chucks tomatoes at stuff." "She's a bit real." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You're real." "You're really real." "I think she's the Gaul for you." "(CHUCKLES) No, she's not my kind of Gaul." "She's gonna be your Gaulfriend." "I can feel it." "It's meant to go pink, blue, pink, blue, you fat shit." "Salve, Grumio." "All right, Landlady." "What's with all the flowers?" "I'm gentrifying, aren't I?" "The Games are in town." "I'm turning this rats nest into an exclusive urban apartment complex." "Sweet." "How are you going to do that?" "Raise the rent, mainly." "That's another 30 a week." "Cough up, beaky." "(SCOFFS) Any word from Landlord, by the way?" "No, he was always crap at keeping in touch." "He's a lot worse now he's dead." "We don't know that, do we?" "Oh, give it a rest, gormless." "He's been on the run almost a year." "My boy's dead in a ditch by now." "Another 30 is pretty steep." "Yeah." "It's what he would have wanted." "(SCOFFS) Of course I don't have tickets." "Animals are idiots." "Why would anyone want to watch those divs?" "The one's in the arena have got some serious talent." "Talent?" "Yes." "For what?" "Pooing where they want and licking their own privates?" "No." "For being cute and scary at the same time." "We knew a guy at school who could lick his own privates, so that's not animal specific." "What?" "No." "Surely not." "Apparently, one in 20 guys can reach." "Oh, as if it's possible to reach." "It is if you try hard enough." "But..." "I mean, that's... (STRAINS)" "You can't get anywhere near it." "Look." "Stop that." "Yes." "Sorry." "Was just making a point." "Kindly make your point at home, water boy." "You dirty devil." "Yes, will do, water man." "Oh, Flavia." "You haven't got any tickets for the beasts have you?" "I don't need tickets." "I've got a luxury box in the arena." "Whoa." "How?" "My husband got it." "Then he got a bouncy bimbo to run off to Greece with." "Leaving both me and the box behind." "Oh, no." "How big is your box, out of interest?" "Any chance I could squeeze in there?" "My box is narrow and snug, shredder, and I'd rather hoped to fill it with an eligible suitor rather than some grubby goon from work." "I'm just desperate to see the beasts." "I'd do anything." "Very well." "Go get some sacks and ropes from the store room." "Oh, yes!" "Hang on." "Is this a sex thing?" "Quickly." "You will do yourself a mischief." "In his hasty escape, that randy little rat left all of his crap behind, see?" "Whoa!" "This is a lot of stuff." "Indeed!" "He was an avid collector of art, wine and women, as it turned out." "Take it all to the dump for me, and you can come in my box." "Can I keep any of it?" "There's no point." "It's all broken." "This stuff here isn't." "Oh, is it not?" "No." "You little shit!" "You dirty, dirty, cheating shit!" "OK." "I'll dump it." "If you would." "I say." "What do you think you're doing?" "I will not tolerate fly tipping!" "You can shift all that filthy clutter n'all." "That includes Grumio." "What?" "I'm not going anywhere." "I can't have you lowering the tone." "You're worse than mould." "(SHEEP BLEATING)" "And you can shut your noise, girl, and all." "Thank the gods I won't have to put up with that din much longer." "You're not selling Juno?" "No." "Actually, I'm eating her." "Right." "But she's Landlords'." "And he's dead." "They'll be reunited, won't they?" "Soon as I've boiled her up." "Oi!" "Let go!" "(BLEATING)" "Let go!" "Let go you bitey little bitch." "(BLEATING) Right!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Bloody hell." "That's a bit full on." "Finger up the bum." "The only language your dumb animal speaks." "I'm getting my stew pot." "(SNIFFS)" "Hold up." "What are you doing?" "You idiot." "Landlady's a total hard arse and now you've got her goat." "Literally got her goat." "She were gonna eat her, tough." "Who brings a goat on a protest?" "It'll be fine, man." "She can bleat along with the chants." "If there are chants." "We don't know, do we?" "We've never protested about anything." "Or ever cared about anything." "Uh-uh." "Not true." "We care about hot girls." "If they're protesting, so are we." "I just wanted to blend in." "Not expose ourselves as the dopey twats we obviously are." "Please calm down." "We'll absolutely nail this." "You rescued a goat?" "That's amazing." "Oh." "Yeah." "Exactly." "We knew we had to intervene, didn't we, Grumio?" "Our landlady was going to eat it." "She fingered it up the bum." "Yeah." "What?" "Did she?" "She sounds horrible." "And unhygienic." "Yeah, well." "People do sick things to animals here." "Look at The Games." "They're stacking elephants on top of each other." "For entertainment." "No way!" "How many can they do?" "Does it matter?" "They're making monkeys wear little hats." "(CHUCKLES FONDLY)" "Oh, dear me, that's..." "We hate that kind of thing." "Please may I have another tomato?" "Sorry, cherie." "We need them for the protest." "Great." "Where we splatting these guys then?" "We're not." "We're pulping them." "Ah, right." "So how's that work?" "Tonight's protest is more of a tableau." "So we pulp the tomatoes to look like blood and then we smear it on our naked bodies." "Yeah, great." "Sorry, what?" "It's a naked protest." "We're gonna lay down like slaughtered animals." "And the animals have to be naked, do they?" "Animals usually are." "Fair point." "Please, guys?" "We need more males to balance out the herd." "You'll do it, right?" "Big time." "Yeah, whatever." "Sorry, can you give us a sec?" "This is not how I want Delphine to see me naked for the first time." "You'll see her naked too." "I'm sure she'll look great." "It's chilly, and broad daylight." "My penis does not fly in these conditions." "Hurry up, Marcus." "I'm saving a place for you next to me." "Yeah!" "Sorry." "Just having some trouble with my belt knot." "She'll be protesting, not checking out the size of you penoose." "She'll be protesting against the size of my penoose." "Grumio's ready, look." "Yeah, I know." "I'm trying not to look." "Do you need me to help you?" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) No thanks!" "It's just a granny knot." "Ooh, ey up." "Centurions." "Oh, thank Jove for that." "Hello, Officer." "Hi." "There's a bit of a protest here." "You might wanna shut it down." "Oh, not another one." "What are these clowns doing this time?" "Yeah, they're stripping off and covering themselves in tomato." "Oh, OK." "Well that's fine then." "Wow." "Is it?" "They're not damaging anything, they can do what they want." "Surely they're disturbing the peace." "It's pretty disturbing stuff." "Just looks like some girls taking their clothes off." "Which is absolutely fine by me." "(CHUCKLES)" "DELPHINE:" "Marcus, what's the problem?" "Don't you try and stop me, you bully boy bastard." "What?" "I'm not." "This is a peaceful protest against the sick cruelty to beasts." "You've no right to stop me." "I know." "That's what I've just said." "He said if I take my clothes off, he's going to arrest me." "What the fuck?" "No, I never said..." "No!" "You oppressive shit!" "(GROANS)" "No, no, no!" "(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)" "(SCREAMING) Centurion brutality!" "Keep walking." "Morning, wankers." "You got bail." "You're free to go." "Sentencing's this afternoon in the Forum." "Stay out of trouble." "OK, lads?" "Thank you." "Yes, will do." "(GRUMIO SNORES)" "And put your bloody tunic back on." "(GROANS SLEEPILY)" "(CHEERING)" "Fuck the police!" "(CHEERING)" "Oh, hi." "Thanks." "Thanks?" "I mean, sorry." "That's what you say when people kiss you?" "Thanks or sorry?" "Historically, yes." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "You guys bailed us out?" "Of course." "You took a beating for us." "Yeah, I mean, we managed to get in a couple of good punches," "I'm just gutted I couldn't do the whole naked protest thing." "Another time, maybe?" "Yeah." "Or instead, how about dinner tonight at my place?" "Sounds good." "Where's you anally abused goat, by the way?" "Juno!" "Juno!" "It's still warm." "She must be close." "Yeah, that's not telling me much." "Juno?" "No, it wasn't that." "How did you hurt your neck?" "I just slept funny." "How funny?" "End up trying to suck you're on nob?" "No." "That would be funny." "Don't pretend you've never tried." "He doesn't need to." "He's got a Gaulfriend." "She gave him a Gaulic kiss." "What?" "You're kidding me." "Tonight, she's bringing a baguette." "What does that mean?" "I think it's just long bread." "I can't handle this." "Shredder, a quick word in my office." "Oh." "I did warn you." "No." "Juno!" "Juno!" "Move back." "(BLEATING)" "Let go, Juno!" "Oi!" "(SHUDDERS) (BLEATING)" "You managed to get everything to the dump, then, did you?" "Er, yes, thanks." "All fine." "Curious." "I wonder, then, how Simeon here, found a bag full of my husband's adult toys in his front garden." "Hello again." "How did you..." "Company address was printed on the sack that you so carelessly tossed into my privet." "It's an absolute disgrace, frankly." "OK." "You're right." "I'm really sorry." "To throw out such high quality leatherwear like that..." "Simeon is quite the aficionado." "Well, I dabble." "I must say, this is the finest lambskin gimp mask I've ever handled." "He's persuaded me to hang onto it after all, shredder." "Cool." "Sorry, have I done bad or good?" "I can't tell." "Very good." "You've excelled yourself." "Thanks to your in-built idiocy, I've met Simeon, here." "Great!" "So I can still use your box later on, then?" "As a result, I know have a much better man to fill my box with." "Sorry, old chum." "What?" "No, don't take this guy." "You barely know him." "We've only met briefly, but, in that time, we really have bonded, haven't we?" "I'll say." "What about me?" "How am I going to see the beasts?" "There's a waiting list." "Add you name to it." "I already have." "Well, do it again." "My azaleas bitten to buggery." "Shit all over my courtyard." "It's Landlord's courtyard." "Punch him in the head, Davus." "I'd rather not." "He's me mate." "Punch the goat in the head then." "We're fairly tight as well." "Right!" "It's time for my dinner." "Don't." "Give us it here." "Stop it!" "No!" "Stop it!" "(GROANS)" "Right!" "That is it!" "You got us evicted, for the sake of our dead landlord's rancid goat?" "Yeah, it got a bit out of hand." "What about my sexy dinner date with Delphine?" "I'm back to getting naked in the street." "(FOOTSTEPS) Good afternoon, citizens." "Here are today's sentences." "Julius Drusus, charged with shoplifting, 25 denarii fine." "(CROWD CHEERING) Forza Alfidia, charged with soliciting without a licence, 300 denarii fine." "Bloody hell." "Ours had better not be that much." "Marcus Gallow, Stylax Urastaques and Grumio, no surname given, charged with assaulting a centurion, 50 denarii fine." "(CROWD CHEERING) That's fine." "That's a fine fine." "What's going on now?" "Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that due to popular demand, one more beast show has been added for this afternoon." "(CHEERING) Oh, yes!" "That was me!" "I was the popular demand!" "Boom." "Yeah!" "Let's get to the box office and snaffle some good seats." "As a result, we'll be needing more prisoners so those people just mentioned will no longer have to pay a fine..." "What?" "This gets better and better." "Shh." "Hang on. ..as they will now be sentenced to death by wild beasts in the arena." "Have a great day." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(CHEERING)" "Well, you wanted to see the beasts." "Now you will." "Right up close." "Bit too close." "I didn't want to see inside them." "Should have thought of that before you filled in that waiting list." "You punched centurion because you didn't want to get your wang out." "At least we won't have to find somewhere to live any more." "Because we won't live any more." "I know." "I'm just saying." "Every cloud." "(GROANS)" "(BLEATING) Juno, love!" "Where you going?" "(BLEATING) Soz, mate." "She keeps wandering off." "Salve, Grumio." "All right, Landlord." "Landlord?" "Where've you been?" "Well, how long have you got?" "Not long." "Probably just give us the gist, if poss." "OK." "Ran away, hid in a cave, got caught, brought here, met you lot." "But you've got a way out of this, right?" "You're dodgy as fuck." "Surely you got a plan?" "Yeah, I have, actually." "Gonna knock myself out on the arena wall before something eats me." "Right." "And how about if we want to avoid getting eaten altogether?" "Oh, well." "If you beat the beasts, then you're laughing." "Wicked. let's do that, then." "15 years ago I think someone did." "OK, great." "Back when they used to use badgers." "And squirrels." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Marcus!" "Hey!" "Delphine." "I'm being executed." "I heard." "It's so shitty." "Have you come to watch?" "No, we're protesting outside." "And they listening?" "Will they let us go?" "No idea." "We're protesting against the animal cruelty." "(SCOFFS) What about the human cruelty?" "I'm gonna get eaten alive." "I'm trying to do both." "It's amazing that you'd die for the cause like this." "What?" "I'm not dying for the bloody cause." "I don't give a shit about the cause." "If I'm honest, I don't even really like animals." "I did this because I really fancy you and didn't want you seeing my scared little willy in broad daylight." "How's that for a cause?" "Come on!" "(CHEERING)" "I don't want to die now." "I mean, I'm not keen on it happening at all, but not now." "I've got no regrets." "Really?" "No regrets?" "None at all?" "I suppose I could have had more sleep." "I wish I'd had more sex." "(TUTS) Don't we all, mate." "Or at least another go on myself." "I wonder if I can..." "No." "The adrenaline should speed things up." "Isn't it humiliating enough without throwing in a death wank?" "Fine, I won't." "(DOOR OPENING)" "(CROWD BOOING" "(BOOING AND WHISTLING)" "Afternoon." "(FANFARE)" "Well, it's been nice knowing you." "I'm going to brain myself on that wall." "Go on, I'll 'ave a bit of that." "OK, cool." "I think I will have that death wank." "No, wait." "Listen." "I know the odds aren't...great, and this usually doesn't end well, but I also know that if we stick together and work as a team, then no matter what comes through that gate, we can take it." "What do you say?" "Together." "BOTH:" "Together." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(GROWLS) Shit the bed, it's a lion!" "I'm getting out of here!" "OK, great." "Brain myself, brain myself." "(GROANS)" "I kicked it in his face!" "I kicked a lion in its fucking face!" "I'm fast, you big yellow bastard." "Why are you aggressive?" "Just calm down!" "(GROWLS) Er..." "Er, help me!" "Help me." "Good lion, good lion." "(WHIMPERS)" "(SCREAMS) Shit, that hurts!" "Bad lion, bad lion!" "It's eating me." "It's eating me up." "Help!" "Bloody hell." "(SCREAMING)" "(LION HOWLING)" "Good thinking, G Man." "Sometimes a finger up the bum's the only language these animals speak." "(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)" "Cheers for saving the old life there, Grumio." "S'all right." "Let us stay in the flats and we'll call it quits." "Deal." "Maybe a reduction in rent?" "Sorry, we just called it quits." "Marcus!" "I'm so glad you're alive." "Really?" "Even though I lied about liking animals?" "Yeah, you did it all for me." "That's so romantic." "Hm, yeah." "I guess it is." "My friends don't all agree." "Lion fingerer!" "You fingered a lion!" "You lying, fingering bastard." "MAN:" "You're scum!" "Animal hating scum!" "(MAN SHOUTING)" "Delphine." "Uh-huh?" "Will you be my Gaulfriend?"