"APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Goo-oo-oo-ood evening!" "And welcome to tonight's QI." "Tonight we have a higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge of things beginning with H." "Joining me tonight are the humongous Phill Jupitus..." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "The hyperbolic Ross Noble..." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "The hygienic Jack Dee..." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "it's Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "give me a bell." "And Jack goes..." "CHURCH BELL TOLLS" "And Phill goes..." "BICYCLE BELL TINGS" "And Ross goes... ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding" "Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a ring-ring-ring ring-a-ding!" "Thank you." "And Alan goes..." "GENERAL IGNORANCE" KLAXON" "LAUGHTER" "so not sorry." "gentlemen." "Why do bankers like long-haired men... hello." "Is there any need for that?" "Really." "I'm wearing the same shirt." "You are!" "isn't it?" "you've got lovely legs." "I've only just noticed you..." "LAUGHTER" "The full question is why do bankers like long-haired men and short-skirted women?" "BICYCLE BELL TINGS" "Bi-curious." "LAUGHTER lean forward like that?" "LAUGHTER" ""Brilliant." "I don't have to go around and clean that up." "It's like a sort of a reverse hoover." "OK." "Fair enough." "What do financiers look for?" "When are they happiest?" "When they're rolling in money!" "and when do they earn more money?" "In the summer?" "LAUGHTER No..." "In the sixties." "LAUGHTER" "Yes!" "What's the word for a period of prosperity?" "Boom." "As opposed to a bust or a recession." "the length of women's skirts in fashion was exactly correlated to the rise and fall of the stock market. and then instantly skirt lengths got longer again during the Depression." "long hair means a boom?" "it's a negative correlation." "the further UP the market." "girls' hemlines and so when a banker looks at a girl's legs his mind is strictly on business." "what starts with H and means that you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?" "BICYCLE BELL TINGS" "Phill Jupitus." "Hepatitis C." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Oh...!" "you're surprisingly close..." "BICYCLE BELL TINGS" "Herpes." "LAUGHTER" "You got the right first and last letter." "Halitosis?" "Halitosis is the right answer." "Is it right?" "I could have got the laugh in the first place." "LAUGHTER" "Halitosis was made up." "It was made up by..." "Lambert Pharmacal. who made everybody wash everything." "and then - and then it was a cure for gonorrhoea..." ""We'll call it a mouthwash." "The same thing!" "Was there a point where that...was combined?" "my mouth's quite... then." LAUGHTER" "They invented essentially this new product." "there'd never been a need for it." "And so they had to invent a problem for it to solve. "Hotel clerks say that and people began to get very nervous about their breath." "let's be honest." "have people breath." "How can you tell someone?" "It's so difficult." "actually." "That's why packets of mints were invented." "that's definitely..." "LAUGHTER" "It's true." "These were the kind of things they used as advertising slogans." "They went from a tiny company to a vast one." "By inventing a name for something that was quite... and this is a medical product that will deal with it. but er..." "I had a picture taken once with a koala..." "LAUGHTER" "You could just leave that there." "LAUGHTER but they've got a 48-mile intestine or something and they can digest it." "But its breath was amazing." "isn't it?" "It was pure eucalyptus." "And even their fur smells lovely." "It is gorgeous." "It was really amazing." "It looked a bit..." "LAUGHTER koala...!" "Is that the excuse you used when you started putting the moves on it?" "LAUGHTER" "Koala started it." "It was cuddling me." "I thought I'd have a go." "None of that happened!" "You SAY it didn't happen." "could you get a koala bear and put it a big bowl and a tea towel..." "LAUGHTER" "That would be a way to cure it." "You wouldn't want your wife coming in." "he just frothed in my mouth." "LAUGHTER Oh!" "Lord!" "AUSSIE ACCENT: "Why not buy one of my outback inhalers?" "They're cuddly and gorgeous." "Just sucking' on a koala." "the little..." HE INHALES dear..." "Getting the koala out." "LAUGHTER" "That would have been brilliant if in Star Wars when they're taking off Vader's helmet he just had a koala in there." "that's better." "LAUGHTER" "So - halitosis was invented by an advertising agency to shift mouthwash." "why would a hoplophobe be particularly nervous of a Sturmgewehr vierundvierzig with a Krummlauf modification?" "BICYCLE BELL TINGS" "Cos he was French." "LAUGHTER kind of..." "It is of course a German something " "Sturmgewehr 44." "Is it a firearm?" "It is a firearm." "A machine gun?" "It's not a machine gun." "No?" "Funnily enough..." "I have one." "MAN:" "Assault rifle?" "assault rifle." "Somebody speaks German there." "Sturmgewehr." "wasn't it?" "LAUGHTER" "You know you said that out loud?" "!" ""It's an assault rifle..."" "I've got eight in my bunker." "LAUGHTER it's a secret location." "I've got hundreds of these as well." "Come the day..." "Would you like to see one?" ""Come the day..." "LAUGHTER" "..we'll be ready." "very heavy..." "All your Christmases have come at once." "You've got no idea what you're doing." "which is a German" "Second World War assault rifle." "The first assault rifle there ever was." "I can see it." "The Krummlauf is this modification..." "They don't like it up 'em(!" ")" "LAUGHTER" "So...this is a genuine article." "It's brought to us by our very nice friends and this is this extraordinary Krummlauf... I can actually... it HAS been deactivated." "but I can see the audience in my..." "And I can see the sights as well in the periscope." "it's been converted into a waterer for flower baskets. round a corner." "that actually shoots round a corner." "the Israeli army uses that." "We might even have a picture of it." "It's a much more modern development." "There it is." "That really is extraordinary. where you see a genuine rifle on top of the trench and a thing holding it looking through the sight." "much cooler just to go... yes." "You're so right." "LAUGHTER they started making them in '44." "as you probably know." "in fact." "LAUGHTER in their tanks..." "Please tell me on the other side of the desk you've got the left-handed one." "ROSS:" "That one that goes round the corner - do they have ones that go that way and ones that go that way?" "no..." "LAUGHTER" "I've got to go all the way round the block!" "LAUGHTER in fact..." "So it's got a spin cycle?" "LAUGHTER" "So was he just trying to drum up a bit of business " ""It gets blood out." "I tell you what..." "HE MIMICS RIFLE FIRE" "You'll be needing a washing machine." "and a hoplophobe is someone who hates weapons." "I thought it was someone who's scared of hooplas." "LAUGHTER or the fact the person is just a wimp in general." "LAUGHTER to justify the fear rather than deal with the core problem of being a sissy." "LAUGHTER" "I'll tell you something." "Yeah?" "He wrote that." "LAUGHTER" "He may have done." "Assault rifle." "ROSS:" "I bet he wrote it with a left-handed pen." "Don't play with it because they did ask that nobody else touch it because it's very valuable." "I was going to make it go over the desk!" "LAUGHTER" "Alan not to touch." "LAUGHTER" "It's very valuable." "Machine gun." "For Stephen Fry's use only." "LAUGHTER" "What?" "!" "yes - the age-old problem of firing guns round corners has been sold by making guns that fire round corners. so why did the bomb disposal expert go to the joke shop?" "Something you can get there that helps with bomb disposing?" "Fake poos." "LAUGHTER" "Take me through the chain of..." "I don't know how..." "Is it er...whoopee cushions?" "to release the pressure plate?" "actually." "and they use a thing you might get in a joke shop or a party shop..." "A flower that sprays water." "It is something you spray." "is it that squirty stuff..." "ROSS:" "Silly string." "what use would silly string be?" "Does it fill up the fuse area and block everything up?" "it's not that." "It's in case there are invisible tripwires - and they fall on the tripwire without triggering it." "so in dark corners where you might... because so many bombs are booby-trapped." "but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going..." "HE MIMICS PARTY HOOTER" "LAUGHTER" "In a big Margaret Thatcher mask." "LAUGHTER" "With a rubber chicken." "that would have improved that film The Hurt Locker." "Yes! "Hey-hey!" "PHILL MIMICS NOISEMAKER" "PHILL MIMICS HORN" "Anyway..." "The army uses Silly String to check for tripwires in booby-trapped houses." "you can't fit a square peg in a round hole." "So how would you make a square hole with a round drill?" "That's the question." "Can it be done?" "Jack Dee?" "don't laugh before it's happened..." "LAUGHTER" "I might surprise you yet." "I'm thinking while I talk." "I would drill four small holes that would describe a square..." "The corners?" "Corners and then with a hacksaw I would join them and knock the square through." "but there is actually a way of using a round drill bit." "my way's better." "That would be brilliant if it had gone "woo-woo at every word you said..." "One day!" "Don't laugh before you've... a sort of circular triangle a part of it makes a square." "A circular triangle?" "Well... no!" "This is your first time." "This sort of thing happens all the time!" "It's a sort of circular triangle!" "Yes and it makes a square! it's the fact I now realise there's a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo." "I've dreamt about that for years." "Ross Noble?" "Is the name for this form a triangle is a Reuleaux." "It genuinely is!" "You have to have points for that." "You somehow found a triangle that was a Reuleaux ." "that's what it's called." "It's a very particular shape. what I like tonight is I've just discovered the best three words to hear in a Geordie accent" "Toblerone-Rolo combo"." "Can you say Toblerone please?" "dance for us." "You've got to form a band now." "Called that." "Me and Cheryl Cole?" "Yes!" "LAUGHTER me and Jimmy Nail as a trio." "the Toblerone-Rolo Combo!" "You're not going to play the trombone?" "The trombone?" "My God." "OK..." "Do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle?" "Yes." "A Reuleaux triangle..." "Is it only available in airports?" "let's roll it..." "There." "Now you see that's a sort of round-ended triangle." "exactly." "Isn't that crazy?" "How loony is that?" "You've sickened me." "Now that shape may be familiar if you like cars and bikes." "rotary piston which is known as a..." "A Wankel." "A Wankel or "Vankel" if we prefer to say it that way." "wasn't he?" "He was." "Mr Wankel was indeed a bloke." "That's all you could do." "If your name was Wankel." "isn't it?" "Or sex toys! because I can't see that being comfortable." "No." "So you can make a square hole with a round drill but... this is something more extraordinary in a way." "This is from an ordinary cylinder." "And all you do is just cut two wedges off it. you cut the two wedges and you can do something again that you're not supposed to be able to do." "Ah!" "Wedge the door open on a rabbit hutch?" "LAUGHTER it's rather amazing." "the triangle... look." "See?" "It's a square." "square?" "Square." "Go on." "Put it through then." "Also it's...hang on." "It's also a triangle." "Yes?" "Triangle." "And...it's a circle." "Isn't that amazing?" "Can I...?" "like at a playgroup and watch the kids' heads explode?" "it's quite possible to drill a square hole which brings me round to a hypothetical question - what's made of jelly and lives forever?" "BICYCLE BELL TINGS" "Shark-infested custard?" "Wrong joke." "Is it a famous jelly?" "Royal jelly." "Bees?" "No." "What lives and is made of jelly?" "Jellyfish." "A jellyfish." "What sort of jellyfish would live forever?" "The Highlander!" "An eternal jellyfish." "the immortal jellyfish." "you were." "is its proper name and the extraordinary thing about it is it doesn't die." "after it sexes..." "I'm going to sex you!" "I'm a jellyfish and I'm going to sex you." "After it's had sex is the normal way of saying it." "Have sex?" "shall we sex?" "!" "Come on!" "I'm sexing." "Why don't we say that?" "It's perfectly logical." "Some of us do say that!" "There you are!" "it can then turn back into a child." "the muscle cells and the sperm cells and the egg cells change back and it literally goes as it were back in time and just starts again." "But it's the same creature." "That would be a bit unnerving for its partner though." "You know what I mean?" "You've just made love and then..." "Can we watch Grange Hill?" "because they get eaten or they get diseased but they don't die of old age." "I'm trying to work out which of those five phases is the emo one that doesn't talk to you for weeks." "now what about human attempts to be immortal or to rejuvenate at least?" "What was the great popular one earlier in the 20th century?" "Cliff Richard?" "True." "Being frozen." "Cryogenic." "that's just waiting until there's a cure." "royal jelly." "What do they mean by monkey glands?" "The glands of a monkey!" "were they?" "They were testicles." "Have..." "No!" "I'm sorry to say." "They're perfectly round..." "Get them into my thimble!" "they'd take hours to scratch." "LAUGHTER" "Chinese farmers with rakes." "Monkey balls." "Monkey balls." "There was a man called Serge Voronoff who was a Russian who lived in Paris... ladies!" "And I'm talking about the dude in the middle." "he would inject parts of the human testicle... injecting parts of the human testicle?" "was it? they had a striker in the late 40s called Dennis Westcott I like this period in English football when managers were called things like Major Frank Buckley." "You don't get many Majors managering football teams anymore." "Or indeed sexing." "Or indeed sexing." "I love the fact that you did one impersonation of me and now you can't use grammar at all." "Next week's QI has been cancelled." "Noble has infected Fry's brain." ""Welcome to QI!" "Way-hey!" Major... we're sexing it tonight." "ALAN IMITATES MONKEY" "Major Frank Buckley insisted on his striker being injected with monkey testicles and amazingly he went on to score 38 goals in 35 games." "Then..." "Then married hundreds of monkeys!" "Then the manager of Plymouth made his team inject themselves or be injected with monkey..." "That's got to be an interesting team talk." "lads..." "But..." "It was very fashionable." "The search for eternal youth." "and despair." "It's time for General Ignorance." "How do snakes manage when their lunch is bigger than their head?" "Ross?" "They dislocate their jaw?" "you were doing so well!" "KLAXON SOUNDS" "I'm so sorry." "This is a common misapprehension." "they just have very stretchy wide mouths." "They have a special bone which in mammals has become our anvil and other ear bones." "The choice was I could either hear very well or eat something bigger than my head?" "essentially..." "Evolution!" "He can't hear you." "But we've only got your word for it that that is a snake eating a mouse." "That might be a new mouse creature that has a snake head." "please." "Doesn't it slip out or something?" "it's a double-jointed hinge." "Is that what they use on snakeskin handbags?" "To get the... wouldn't it?" "But sometimes they do over-reach themselves." "There was a case in 2005 in the Everglades of Florida where a Burmese python attempted to eat a whole alligator that is an alligator inside a snake." "But the alligator was still alive inside the snake and tore at the stomach and the python exploded." "So... isn't that not extraordinary?" "Who lived?" "Who survived?" "unfortunately by this time." "no winners." "was a Burmese python doing in the middle of Florida?" "He was on holiday." "He was on holiday!" "A very popular destination!" "It's a popular destination! because they escape and they find the swamps very similar as Noel Coward puts it." "snakes don't actually dislocate their jaws to swallow." "They just have stretchy mouths." "What does a judge do when he wants order in his court?" "Here?" "Yes?" "BICYCLE BELL TINGS" "He bangs his gavel." "No!" "KLAXON SOUNDS" "British judges have never had gavels." "They do on some television programmes." "It may be because I think props people think it looks good but they've never had them." "they do." "But it's unlikely that's going to happen." "Auctioneers do have gavels." "Judges?" "Judges don't have gavels." "No." "You've got one there." "I was a judge in Kingdom and I had a gavel in that." "yes." "I seem to remember." "We got that wrong." "Another reason why that show was cancelled!" "unlike American judges." "That's it!" "We've hobbled our way through higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge and all that remains is the humiliation of the final scores." "my knee." "Holding his head high this week with a staggering plus 2 points is Jack Dee!" "Yes." "APPLAUSE" "And... a very creditable entry in to the QI stakes is our newcomer Ross Noble with -6." "APPLAUSE" "it's Alan on -8." "Well done." "Which means sadly... is Phill Jupitus." "APPLAUSE Alan and me." "And I leave you with this - good night." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"