"It's the first day of Madness' first term of office, and the boys are moving in." "This one's heavy." "I thought Lee was meant to help us with that." "He was." "That's typical of him, he's never around when there's any work to be done." " I resent that." " What are you doing there?" "You told me to come along in the case." "No, Lee, we told you to come along in case." "In case we needed any help to carry the case." "You mean I've carried you and your saxophone all the way from Kentish Town?" "You ought to be glad I don't play the piano." "Good point." "The tea's on the table, lads." "Beds, where are the cups?" "We haven't unpacked them yet." "No sugar!" "That's great, we don't all take sugar you know!" "Hello, Queenie?" "Yeah, it's Suggs, your first minister." "Just a quick call to tell you we've moved the cabinet to Camden." "Yes, certainly closer to our roots." "You know, route to the boozer, route to the offlicence, that sort of thing." "Listen Lizzie, when we've settled in a bit, why don't you pop over?" "We can all get legless and do a curry." "You will?" "Great!" "Don't bring Bill though, him and Lee wouldn't get on." "Quite right." "Says he's head of the World Wildlife Fund?" "He never comes to any of my parties." "Quick, give me a piece of paper, I've just heard a great Jimmy Young recipe." "I know how to make a Jimmy Young." "Just change your surname to Young, marry someone, have a child, call it Jimmy." "Ah, nice try brainbox, but this is a recipe by Jimmy Young, for alcoholic Yorkshire Pudding." "Ah, well write it on the back of the secret plans for making a bomb, we don't need them." " Oh, thanks." "But shouldn't we burn those plans?" "I mean, some evil maniac might try to nick them." "I certainly hope so, Woody, or this is going to be a very boring story." "Good, let's get down to business then, shall we?" "Prime minister, I don't want to scare you, but BOO!" "What is it, chancellor?" "Unfortunately, I've got to tell you that we as the government are expected to deliver a party political broadcast in thirty seconds." "A party political broadcast in thirty seconds?" "Yes, and on our first day it's got to be just as good as any other parties'." "Well, in that case, we've got fifteen seconds to spare." "Let's go and have a cup of tea." " So Mole, you know that plan?" " Yes of course." "We sneak in while the sideboard is making its broadcast, and pinch the plans from the top of the cabinet." " No, the other way around." " Oh, I obey." "We sneak in while the sideboard is making its broadcast..." "You fool!" "We sneak in while the cabinet is making its broadcast, and take the plans from the top of the sideboard." " Oh, I see, yes." " Good." "Then let us go forward in the work of our attractively shaped leader, doctor Maniac." "Hail doctor Maniac!" "He's good looking and dresses nicely!" "Hail doctor Maniac!" "He's outrageously evil in many ways indeed!" "And now, a party political broadcast on behalf of madness." "As the prime minister, I've been asked to give an address to the nation." "And the address that I've chosen to give, is mrs." "Hilda Carmichael of 104 The Old Kent Road, London N3." "Hilda lives alone, and hasn't received any letters for ages." "It would be lovely if you could just drop her a line and wish her well." "By the way, thanks for voting Madness, the party that actually cares." "Hear, hear." "Well said prime minister." "Don't look so pleased with yourselves, the bomb plans have been stolen!" "Who could have done such a cruel, careless, and senseless thing?" "Someone cruel, and careless, and senseless, I should imagine." "Clear thinking, brainbox." "And that's who we've got to look for." " Salute your leader!" " All hail doctor Maniac!" " The evil one..." " The evil one!" "And future glorious leader of all Camden." "And future glorious leader of all Camden!" "Right, now let's get down to business." "Right, now let's get down to business!" "You can stop repeating me now." "You can stop repeating me now!" "Your days, Worm, are numbered." "Right, now, the bomb plans." "Do you have them sir?" "I have, oh divine one." "Do not call me divine one." "People will think we're wonky or something." " Now, the bomb plans." " Burp has them for safety, master." " Good." "Burp?" " Yes?" " Yes what?" " Yes what you want mate?" " Mate?" "Thug?" " Yes boss?" "I think it's time we taught Burp here some manners." "OK boss." "Right, Burp." "First thing, always hold your hand before your mouth before you yawn or sneeze." "Also, hold open doors for people and never take your soup bowl to your mouth..." "That's enough manners." "Now hit him!" "Nice one." "We'll get the bomb plans off him when he comes round." " Now you're sure he's got them, Slug?" " Yes, your gorgeous fluffiness." "Do not call me your gorgeous fluffiness!" "I am cruel, evil, and utterly bonkers!" "Long live doctor Maniac!" "Repeat!" "Do not call me your gorgeous fluffiness!" "Not all of it!" "Just the long live doctor Maniac bit." "Just the long live doctor Maniac bit!" "Ruler of all Camden!" "Ruler of all Camden!" " Hip, hip.." " Hip, hip!" "Oh god, you're supposed to say hurray." "Oh god you're supposed to say hurray!" "Come on Carl, it's time you stopped crying and remembered you're British." "I'm not!" "You're not British?" "Lads, a spy!" "I'm not crying!" "I've got something in my eye." "You are crying, Carl, you've given up without a fight." "It's not my fault Suggs, I went round to say goodbye to my girlfriend, but she was with another bloke." "Oh, I am sorry to hear that, Carl." "What was he like?" "All old, and grey." "Sort of recognized him." " Sounds like a sugar daddy." " She did keep calling him daddy." "Perhaps it was her daddy." " Blimey, I knew I recognised him." " So that's alright then." "Well not really, she still shouldn't have been in bed with him." "OK lads, this one's for you." "Stop Lee." "It's bad enough that we're all about to be blown up." "without you making that racket." "But it's what you all said." "When we were discussing what we'd all do when the bomb was about to go off." "What did we say Lee?" "Well you said, you'd like four minutes of passionate and committed sax." "Sex, Lee, passionate and committed sex." "Oh." "Well, I can't help you there." "Oh come on everybody, cheer up, worse things could happen." "Funny you should say that." "Worse things are going to happen." "I don't want to alarm you, but BRRRR!" "Yes?" "Forgot to tell you, I've invited all our mums round for celebration lunch." "Oh no!" "And if there's not a lovely meal on this table right there, it's smacked buttocks all round." "What a day!" "We're all going to be blown up and our mums are coming round for dinner." " Heavy." " What are we going to do?" "Come, stormtroopers of the new evil." "I, doctor Maniac, am invincible." " Wait, master!" " Yes, what is it, Burp?" " You say you are invincible?" " I do." " And we assistants, are we invincible?" " Of course." "Then a terrible disaster has occured master, for are meant to be attacking the madness government in Camden, yet here we are in Vincible, wherever that may be." "Invincible, Burp, is one word, and it means, right bunch of hardnuts." "Ah then we certainly are, master." "Seems like a nice place actually, a bit like Camden." "God, just change places with Burtmore." "Okay master." "Now, assault warriors of the new czar, we are incorrigible, indecent, and indestructible." "He's obviously completely lost." "Onwards to victory!" "Where the hell is that, I should like to know." "Take that, possible swine, doctor Maniac is brilliant!" "Any minute now, so long, suckers!" "It doesn't seem to have gone off yet." "Tell you what though, something smells good." " It's so alcoholic." " And Yorkshire Puddingy." "God I don't believe it." "Doctor Maniac must have read the wrong side of paper." "And made my alcoholic Yorkshire Pudding." "Cooee!" "Hi mum, mrs." "Woody, mrs." "Bedders, mrs." "Thompson." "mrs." "Smash, mrs." "Chrissy, come in." "Oh!" "Something smells good!" "What is it?" "Alcoholic Yorkshire Pudding, that's what we're having." "Alcoholic Yorkshire Pudding?" "Our favourite!" "Oh you are good boys to your mothers, aren't you?" "Suggsy, I hope you've been tucking your vest into your pants?" "Yes mum." "And Chris I hope you've been rubbing on that cream where the doctor told you to?" "Yes mum." "And Lee, I hope you haven't been pulling the heads off of live whippets and stufffing them down policemen's trousers again, have you?" " No mother." " He has mrs." "Lee, he has." "And Woodie, I hope you've stopped telling tales." "Of course mum." "Oh, they are good boys to their mums aren't they, girls?" "Yes, yes..." "And they certainly deserve a whole comedy series of their own."