"Ah, the Gauguin." "Exquisite." "Do we take this one too, Leadside?" "Of course." "We're taking the entire Burlington collection." "Check." "Leadside, look at this." "Ah, yes, my dear." "Ming Dynasty." "Wasn't it considerate of the museum to store all these priceless items in the basement for us?" "Now handle it carefully." " Where shall I put this?" " Oh, put it back where you found it." "That is a cuspidor." "That's it, Leadside." "We have the entire Burlington collection." "Let's get out of here." "Oh, you two go and finish loading up the truck." "I'll be along in a minute." "Ah." "Splendid." "We're still ahead of schedule." "Now I shall spend the rest of my life surrounded by a $20-million art collection." "You're going to spend the rest of your life surrounded by a $20-million federal penitentiary, Leadside." "Smart!" "What are you doing here?" "I received an anonymous phone call that tipped-- that tipped me off that you would be... at a place called Yukon Lil's with the heads of all the KAOS departments." "That was me who made the call to throw you off the track." "But Yukon Lil's is on the other side of town." "Why did you come here?" "Because it was obviously some sort of code." "You see, when I turned the message upside down," ""Lil's" became 717 S." "So I went to 717 South Yukon." "But there is no 717 South Yukon!" "However, there is a 717 North Yukon." "But I knew you couldn't possibly be meeting with the KAOS heads there, because that's the YWCA." "At this point I became terribly confused, so I did what I always do when I become terribly confused." " And what's that?" " I came to the museum to relax." "That's when I saw your truck pulling around to the back." "Oh, I can't stand any more of this, Smart." "I have four times the intelligence that you have, yet time after time now for the last 10 years you've managed to ruin my most brilliant schemes with your cunning stupidity!" "Thank you, Leadside." "You were born under a lucky star, Smart, but this is the last time that you will ever interfere with me again." " Meaning what?" " Meaning this" "I'm going to take care of you once and for all, in three phases." "Phase one, I shall escape." "Phase two, I shall destroy Control." "And phase three, I shall kill you." "And through it all, you shall be powerless to stop me." "I wouldn't feel too confident about that, Leadside." "First of all, let's take phase three." "You'll find that... it will not be that easy to kill me." "Then let's take phase two." "Ah." "No one man is strong enough to destroy Control." "As for phase one, it's virtually impossible to escape from me, especially while I'm covering you with this gun." "Hmm." "One out of three." "That's not bad." "( theme music playing )" "To think we almost had Leadside and he slipped through our fingers again!" "I don't understand it, Chief!" "How could he disappear right out from under my eyes?" "Leadside may be confined to a wheelchair, but he's extremely fast." "He handles that wheelchair like he would a sports car." "Oh." "That must account for the racing stripe down the back of the chair." "Now that Leadside's completed phase one, do you think there's any possibility that he'll complete phase two, the destruction of Control?" "Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across." "He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out." "That's right, Chief." "Like the time he stole the Star of India." " He stole the Star of India?" " Well, he kidnapped Sabu." "We've got to find out how he plans to destroy Control!" "Wait a minute, Chief." "That's it!" "I've got it!" "Why didn't I think of it before?" "I just realized how he plans to destroy Control!" "Hello, security?" "This is Maxwell Smart." "I want a code 4 alert-- an all-out code 4." "Now I want every avail-- huh?" "Maxwell Smart." "Yes, now I want every available-- huh?" "S-M-A-R-T." "Smart." "Yes, now," "I want every available man to be formed into squads of six and to surround Bert's Delicatessen across the street." "Max, what are you doing?" "That's how he plans to destroy Control, Chief!" "You see-- look at this." "One bottle of cyanide in a pound of Bert's potato salad and that is the end of Control!" "Hang up the phone, Max." "What's the matter, Chief?" "Leadside would not use Bert's Delicatessen to wipe out Control!" "Oh, Nate 'n' Al's?" "He wouldn't use any delicatessen!" "It's not ingenious enough!" "Hello, security?" "Those agents I just asked to surround Bert's Delicatessen-- tell them to pick up three pastrami sandwiches and hold the potato salad." "Right, 44." "Chief, Unit 44 just arrived at the intersections of Highways 31 and 14." "31 and 14 now covered by Unit 44." "Good, 51." "Unit 51 has just reached the intersections of Highways 17 and 64." "Highways 17 and 64 now secured by Unit 51." "Max, pinpoint those positions on the map." "Right, Chief." "I got 'em." "Units 14 and 31 are securing Highways 34, 62 and 45." "No, Max." "That's Unit 44 at Highway 31 and 14, Unit 51" "Now wait a minute, Chief." "I distinctly understood that it was Units 13, 44 and 51 that were securing Highways 35, 44 and 99." "No, you're getting 99 confused with the highway numbers." "99 has just reported that Units 44 and 51 have secured Highways 17," "34, 45 and 66." "Chief, I just got a report on 11, 35 and 88." "11, 35 and 88." "I don't have those highways on my map." "They aren't highways, Chief." "They're Control agents." "Oh." "Well, what about them?" "They were staked out on Highways 39, 71 and 94." "I got it, Chief." "Units 31, 44 and 55 are staked out on Highways 32, 71 and 84." "Good work, Max!" "Or is it Control agents 35, 36 and 41 who are staked out on Highways 38, 72 and 54?" " ( phone rings )" " Any way you want it, Max." "I'll check." "Larrabee, did you send Unit 16 south on Oakwood and Unit 25 north on Oakwood?" " Yeah, why?" " Oakwood's a one-way street!" "Larrabee, contact Unit 22 to go immediately to Oakwood and intercept Units 16 and 25." "Right, Chief." "I'm having a problem here, Chief." "I can't find Highway 99 anywhere." "Forget it, Max." "Just pinpoint Oakwood and move Unit 22 into the center." "Chief, I just heard from Unit 22." "They can't get through on Oakwood." "There's been a terrible automobile accident there." "Is there anybody else you want me to call?" "Yes, Larrabee." "Your wife." "Tell her you'll be home early!" "Gee, thanks, Chief." "( phone rings )" "Yes?" "Good, 49!" "Well, that's it, Chief." "Unit 49 just reached Highway 808." " Got it, Chief!" " Well, it took over four hours, but we've finally got Washington all sealed off." "Units to the north, south, east and west." "Leadside cannot possibly get out of the city." " What unit is that?" " Huh?" "Oh, that's not a unit, Chief." " That's just a pin." " Well, if it's not a unit, it's confusing, Max." "Take it out." "It may be confusing, Chief, but it's very important." "Max, if it's not a unit, it's not important!" "Now pull it out!" "I told you it was important." "I now have the finest art collection in Washington." "And Baltimore." "We've just passed the state line." "At this very moment, Control has a dragnet out for me." "Little do they realize that we're cruising back and forth under their very noses." "This moving van makes a much better headquarters than that we were driving around in before." "Of course." "We had to make a change." "You can't hang a collection like this in a garbage truck." "Listen, Leadside, since we've crossed the state line, why don't we continue north into Canada?" "I have a reputation to maintain, Norman." "When Leadside makes a threat, he carries it out." "( wheelchair thuds )" "Phase two is about to reach fruition." "You don't walk away when you're about to realize a dream." " ( wheelchair thuds )" " The thing to remember, my friends, is if you limit your horizons, the world will pass you by." "It was thinking big made me the master criminal that I am today." "Less than four minutes and 30 seconds to go." "Norman, are you sure you carried out my instructions to the letter?" " I did everything you said." " Splendid." "Then phase two is about to be completed-- the destruction of Control." "There's just one thing that's disturbing me." " What is that, Leadside?" " We are traveling at approximately 65 miles an hour." "Am I correct?" "Norman:" "Yes." "And we're all here-- you, Norman, Kelley and me?" " So what's disturbing?" " Who's driving the van?" "( phone rings )" "Yes?" "Nothing?" "Well, keep on it." " Nothing new yet." " On what?" " On the dragnet." " That's my favorite show." "I'm not talking about television, Larrabee." "I'm talking about Leadside and phase two, and how Leadside plans to destroy Control." "It's going to take a superhuman brain to figure this one out, Chief." "99, we have a superhuman brain." "All we have to do is put the question to it." "Fire away, Chief." "Ask me any question you want." "Not you, Larrabee." "I'm talking about Control's superhuman brain ARDVARC!" "Of course!" "ARDVARC!" "The Automated Reciprocal Data Verifier and Reaction Computer!" "That's how we'll find out what phase two is!" "That's right, Chief." "I've already pulled the file on Leadside." "Everything we know about him is punched into these cards." "That's right, Chief." " You want me to go, Chief?" " That's right, Larrabee." "( whirs )" "With this information, ARDVARC ought to be able to tell us just what Leadside is planning." "All right, 99." "Ask ARDVARC the following question-- how does Leadside plan to destroy Control?" "I'll switch on the audio response." "( repeating ) ARDVARC!" "ARDVARC!" "No, no, ARDVARC, you don't seem to understand me." "99, maybe the information keyboard isn't working properly." "I'll turn on the audio input." "ARDVARC!" "ARDVARC!" "ARDVARC, what do you know about phase two?" "( repeating ) ARDVARC!" "ARDVARC!" "It must be broken, 99." "It just keeps repeating its own name." "We'd better call computer repair, Chief." "The number's in Larrabee's office." "ARDVARC!" "ARDVARC!" "ARDVARC!" "ARDVARC is not broken." "What we have here is a failure to communicate." "Larrabee, there's something wrong with ARDVARC." "The delicatessen was so crowded I couldn't get all pastrami." " But I got chopped liver." " I'm not interested in food right now." "There's something wrong with ARDVARC." "Larrabee, call computer repair." "So soon?" "The repairman was just here a couple of hours ago." "That's strange." "The regular service check is on Fridays." "Well, he wasn't a regular serviceman, but his credentials were in order." " Chief, you don't suppose" " You're absolutely right, Max!" "See that, Larrabee?" "I'm absolutely right." "Right-- right-- right about what, Chief?" "ARDVARC is the brains of Control." "If anything happened to ARDVARC, Control would be destroyed!" "That's it!" "ARDVARC is phase two." " That's what he was trying to tell us." " Just a moment, gang." "Let's not panic." "The odds against ARDVARC being phase two are a million to one." "( explosion )" "Of course, let's not rule out that possibility." "ARDVARC, ARDVARC, are you all right?" "( coughing ) I am afraid it is too late." "I am going fast." "Don't try to talk." "Save your strength." "We'll have a computer repairman up here immediately." "I am afraid it is too late." "Isn't there anything we can do, Chief?" "I'm afraid not, 99." "Is there anyone you'd like us to notify?" "( coughs ) Yes, the cigarette machine in the hall." "ARDVARC, who did this to you?" " Lead" " Lead" " Go on!" "Go on!" "Lead" " Leadside!" "( grunts )" "It's gone, Max." "Do you realize what this means?" "Leadside's completed phase one and phase two." "What's to keep him from completing phase three?" "Just me, 99." "The only way that Leadside can complete phase three is over my dead body!" "Max, I'm not going!" "I'm not gonna leave you here alone in this apartment." "We've been all through this before, 99." "I told you it's too dangerous for you to stay here." "Max is right, 99." "Leadside completed phase one and phase two." "The way things are going, he's a cinch to complete phase three." "That's right, 99, he's almost a cinch to complete-- a cinch to complete phase three?" "!" "Max, you don't have anything to worry about." "I don't?" "Well, then who does?" "I do." "If Leadside succeeds in getting in here and killing you, do you know how bad I'll look?" "Well, at least you'll have some color in your face." "Max, we've taken every precaution." "We've even activated Maximum Security Plan Omega." "Plan Omega?" "And you know how long it's been since we've used that plan." "That's right, 99." "My gosh, we haven't used that plan since the day that Omega was murdered!" "What does the plan entail, Max?" "Huh?" "Oh, yes, the plan." " The whole block is sealed off." " Check." "Electronic surveillance on every floor." " Check." " And Control agents are staked out in that hotel across the street." "Down the street." "Huh?" "Down the street?" "Why not across the street?" "Because those rooms in that hotel across the street rent for $35 a day." "Control can't afford that." "But what if Plan Omega fails and Leadside gets through to the apartment?" "Then he'll be in a lot of trouble, 99." "Because we've had every single thing in this apartment booby-trapped," "And it's all made operative by this little pen." "The old paper-pal- detonator pen." "That's right, you just press the button on the top of that pen and it activates every device in this room." "Just be careful to be out of the line of fire when you press the button." " Right, Chief." " That's about all." "Good luck, Max." " Come on, 99." " I hope you'll be all right, Max." " Don't worry, 99." " You have nothing to worry about." " I know that." " Take good care of yourself." " I will." " And don't worry." " I won't." " And don't be nervous." "I will." "Will you two stop it?" "What is the matter with you?" "I'm not nervous," "I'm not frightened and I'm not worried." "I'm in complete control of all my faculties." "I know exactly what I'm doing and exactly where I am going." "Bye, darling." "So long, fella." "( phone ringing )" "Hello?" "Oh, it's you, Larrabee." "No, the Chief isn't here." "He left about an hour ago." "No, I don't know when he'll be back." "Huh?" "A message?" "Hold on a minute." "( sirens blaring )" "Max!" " Max, what is it?" "!" " It's for you." "It's all clear." "We can begin phase three." "Good." "We've been in that closet since early this morning." "Yes, but Leadside was right." "We had to get in there first before Control sealed off the building." "( doorbell rings )" " Who is it?" "!" " Kelley:" "It's your Avalon lady." "Oh, sure it is." "That's the worst impression of a woman's voice I've ever heard, Leadside!" "Oh, sorry about that, Avalon lady." "I was expecting a friend." "I'm delivering the cosmetics your wife ordered." "Bring them in, Norman." "Max:" "That's the second-biggest cosmetics case I ever saw." "Listen." "I'm very busy today." "Couldn't this wait for another time?" "I promised your wife I'd bring them today." "I won't be in the area again for another month." "Well, okay, but let's make it snappy." "You know what to do, Norman." "Max:" "Well, I'll be." "A wheelchair in a cosmetics case." "Now that's re" "Stay right where you are, Mr. Smart." "Okay, that does it." "Just for that, I'm canceling my wife's order." "Shut up, Smart." "Five seconds, Kelley." "Three, two, one." "Leadside, you told me you couldn't walk." "Oh, I can't walk." "But I can run." "But that's impossible." "No, the injury to my spine is a unique one." "As long as I'm moving with any velocity, I'm all right." "But as soon as I stand still or try to walk, I collapse." "Then you're not always confined to a wheelchair." "Most of the day I am, but at night I get out to run my dog." "Well, how did you get through all those Control agents in the building?" "Very simple." "They were looking for a man in a wheelchair." "And now, Smart, phase three." "Not so fast, Leadside." "Do you know what's going to happen when I push this button?" "Ink will come out, of course." "Humph." "Exactly." "Eh, look, do you mind if I get that pen over there on" "Okay." "No tricks, Mr. Smart." "We have to get down to the business at hand-- phase three." "And just how do you propose to phase-three me, Leadside?" "One shot and all those Control agents will come rolling in here like oranges." "Shooting is far too unimaginative for me." "Norman." "En garde!" "So you want a duel, eh?" "( chuckles )" "Well, I don't want to take advantage of you, Leadside." "I wouldn't worry about that, Smart." "Norman and I have never lost yet." "Forward!" "Back, Norman, back!" "Back, back, back, back, back!" "Back, back, back, back!" "Forward, forward, forward!" "Back, back, back, back, Norman!" "You surprise me, Smart!" "You handle a sword well!" " Forward!" " You're not bad yourself, Leadside." "And you're pretty good too, Norman." "I'm getting tired of this sport, Smart." "I think I'll put an end to it!" "99 gave me that button." "Thank you, Leadside." "I needed that." "Back, Norman!" "Back, Norman!" "Back, back, back!" "Back, back, back, back, back." " Back-- - ( Norman screams )" "Leadside:" "Norman!" "My mother gave me Norman." "Thanks, Smart." "I needed that." "Now, Smart, to complete phase three!" "Kelley!" "Charge!" "( Leadside screams )" "( thuds, crashing )" "Oh, it's even more beautiful than ARDVARC I." "ARDVARC Il:" "That is a compliment." "Thank you." "Not only is it more beautiful, 99, but it does twice the work." "That's where Leadside made his first big mistake." "Like all our enemies, he underestimated our technological capacity." "And the good old American know-how." " ( phone rings )" " Hello?" "Oh, yes, Doctor." "I see." "Well, thank you for calling." "That was the hospital." "They just operated on Leadside." " Is he out of danger?" " Yes, he's out of danger," "But it's going to be a hard road." " How's that?" " He'll never run again." "( theme music playing )"