"Quiet, 99." "One false move and we're dead agents." "We're a little behind schedule, Max." "The KAOS patrol is due in exactly one minute and 45 seconds." "Right." "You check the explosives." "I'll open the sealed orders." "Right." "99, I can't break the seal." "Tear open the side of the envelope, Max." "There's no wax there." "Are you kidding?" "You can't do that, 99." "That's why they put wax on the seal-- so that you'll break it open." "Max, hurry, we're running out of time." "You know something, 99?" "If we ever get back from this mission alive," "I'm going to put that in the CONTROL suggestion box." " It's a great idea." " What idea?" "About putting wax all around the ends of the envelope." "That way you can tear it open anywhere and still break the seal." " Give me your nail file, 99." " Oh, right, Max." "Here." "I know it's in here somewhere." "Hurry, Max." "Only 40 seconds left." "99, I've lost the nail file." "Oh no." " Ah, that did it." " You got it open." "No, I broke my fingernail." "Now I'll have to find the nail file." "We can't, Max." "There's not time." "There's only 20 seconds left." "How many packets of explosives do we have?" " Uh, two." " Good." "I'll use one of them to blow open the envelope." "( bird calling )" "What is it?" "Sounds like a yellow-bellied sapsucker." "On the other hand it could be a giant toothless cockatoo." "( screams ) Max!" "( theme music playing )" "All right, get up." "That will be all, Larrabee." "Max, this was only a training exercise." "Tomorrow you're supposed to go on the real mission." " I'm ready, Chief." " You're ready?" "You just got killed!" "I said I was ready." "I didn't say I was perfect." "Don't worry about opening those sealed orders, Max." "It was just a training session." "The mission will go ahead tonight as scheduled, sir." "Right." "Thank you for wishing us luck, sir." "We'll need it." "Max, never mind about the envelope." "I'll fill you in personally." "Tonight's mission depends on a split-second timetable." "It certainly is top secret, Chief." "We don't even know what the objective is." "We wanted to avoid security leaks." "A number of commercial cargo ships have been hijacked" " over the past six months." " KAOS?" "Yes." "They've been committing piracy on the high seas using submarines." "We've discovered their base on an island not far from our coastline." "The key to the entire piracy operation is a master computer located here." "It evaluates shipping data, cargoes, tides, currents, and fixes the point of interception by the KAOS submarine." " Then the computer is our objective." " Correct." "Our submarine will take you to the island." "You'll have to slip past the KAOS guards, work your way through a network of land mines there, get to the computer and destroy it." "I like that plan, Chief." "It's inventive, imaginative and brilliantly thought out." "Max, it sounds like a suicide mission to me." "Well, of course it's a suicide mission, 99." "So what?" "Our next mission will be easier." "After the mission you'll have to signal our sub where and when to pick you up." "There are powerful blinker lights built into those earrings." "Very clever, Professor Carlson." "Then if we get caught no one will suspect a thing." "Maybe I should wear the earrings, Max." "Oh?" "Oh, right, 99." "They'll probably look better on you anyway." "Professor Carlson has another signaling device for you." "Now this looks like an ordinary fountain pen." "I see." "And you just press this lever to activate it." " Max!" " What am I supposed to do, write the signal message on my shirt?" "No, you press this button and the pen becomes a blinker light." "99, you stay here with Professor Carlson and draw the special equipment." "Max, you come with me for the rendezvous briefing." "Hello, gentlemen." "I'm sorry we're late." "This is Maxwell Smart, Agent 86." "Max, this is Admiral Nelson of the Submarine Command," "Admiral Jones from Destroyer Command." " Smart." " Gentlemen." " Shall we get right to the briefing?" " Right." "Smart, you'll be proceeding from the mainland at precisely 2100 hours." "The submarine will proceed southeast to this point-- 35° latitude, 68° longitude." "36° latitude, 67° longitude." "35° latitude, 68° longitude." "You will rendezvous there with one of his destroyers." "Two destroyers." "Two?" "I thought we agreed on one." "I felt two would be safer." "All right." "I'll just match that with another sub." "That calls for four more destroyers, John." "You're starting again, Horatio." "I'll just call those four destroyers and raise you four submarines." "You're bluffing." "Horatio, if you have any guts we'll make this a real rendezvous." " No limit." " You're on!" "Well, Chief, this looks like it's gonna be a long session." "I think we'd better send out for some sandwiches and coffee and more ships." " Welcome aboard, Agent Smart." " Why thank you, Skipper." "We'll be shoving off in a few minutes." "( sailor wolf-whistles )" "( both whistle )" "Sorry, the men aren't accustomed to having a pretty face onboard." "If they like me, wait till they get a load of 99." "This way, Mr. Smart." "My apologies for your quarters, Smart, but we're short on space." "Agent 99 will be using my quarters." "I'll bunk with the executive officer." "Right, Skipper." "Want to check out the special equipment, Max?" "No, I think I'll just rest for a while, 99." "You go ahead and do the briefing." "We have two Z-139 landmine detectors..." "Two Z-139s." "And we have five packets of E-18 plastic explosives and fuses." "Five packets, gotcha." "And one TX-7 long-range explosive launcher." "Listen, 99, why don't you rest for a while and I'll do the briefing?" "This is the spot, Mr. Smart." "We're ready to put you ashore now." "Max, this looks like a tough one." "Chances are we're not going to come back alive." "In case we don't, isn't there anything you'd like to say?" "Yes, 99." "As long as I have to go on a suicide mission," "I'm glad it's with you." "Right on the nose, 99." "Now we've got two minutes to get past the guards, four minutes to work our way through the land mines, find the KAOS computer and blow it up." "( leaves rustling )" "This may put us a little behind schedule." "We're sunk, Max." "We'll never complete the mission now." "Maybe not, 99." "I've got a plan." "Get ready to hit the dirt when I say now." "Oh, pardon me, but isn't your hand grenade loose?" "No it isn't." "It's perfectly tight." "They must have heard the explosion, Max." "Yes." "In a few minutes there'll be KAOS agents swarming all over this place." "Come on, 99, let's get out of here." "Quick, Max, only three minutes to find the computer and blow it up!" "Here, take this, 99." "I'll get the gun." "Hold it, 99!" "We can't go through those bushes." "It's a minefield." "Why, any one of these berries could blow us to smithereens." "Even that log, Max?" "Not the log, 99, but our fine feathered friend the bird bomb!" "Can you deactivate it?" " ( bird chirping )" " Yes." "All I have to do... is pluck it!" "Quick, Max." "We're behind schedule." "We'll have to set up here and see if we can find the computer by map." " Put her down there, 99." " Right." "Now let's see..." "78° longitude west, 35° latitude east." "99, this isn't gonna work." " Why not, Max?" " This is a map of San Francisco." "Max, you can see the computer right through there." "Right, perfect." "It's about a 300-yard range." " Load her up, 99." " Right, Max!" "Okay, Max," " fire!" " ( gun fires )" "Direct hit, Max, right on the computer building!" "Quick, light the fuse." "Hurry, Max, hurry." "You got another match, 99?" " Why?" " I lit my shoelace." "Good." "Signal the sub." "There's a submarine surfacing, Max." "And there goes the computer." "Come on, 99, let's get out of here." "Everything went perfectly, from A to Z." "Would you believe A to B?" "Welcome aboard." "Weapons, please." "Hands up!" "Siegfried!" "99, I have a feeling we're on the wrong submarine." "We meet again, Maxwell Smart." "( clicks heels )" " ( clicks heels ) - ( shoe phone crunches, dings )" " There goes my shoe phone again." " I counted on that." "Take her down to periscope depth." " How did you pick us up?" " Simple." "I read your blinker signal." "Siegfried, don't you know it's not nice to read somebody else's blinker signal?" "As you go through the world of espionage, Smart, you will find there are the good guys and the bad guys." "I happen to be one of the bad guys." "There's a U.S. destroyer out there that can blow this submarine right out of the water." "No, it will not, Miss 99." "We will pass through unharmed." "What makes you think so?" "Because I have informed your Chief that you are in the hands of KAOS." "He would surely not give the order to sink this submarine or you would also be killed." "Mmm!" "He is too loyal." "Don't be too sure about that, Siegfried." "Our Chief can be just as disloyal as anyone else." "I do not believe that-- und... before we slip out of here I am going to take my revenge on CONTROL" " for blowing up our computer." " Max:" "How?" "By torpedoing that unsuspecting destroyer up there." "It's a sitting duck." " You couldn't do that!" " Oh, yes he could, 99." "As you go through the world of espionage you'll learn that some people are very likeable and easy to get along with." "And then there are other people who are" " How does that go, Siegfried?" " I'm one of the bad guys!" "He's one of the bad guys." "Up periscope!" "Aha..." "The destroyer's moving out of range but I can still get it." "Max, we've gotta do something." "Say, Siegfried, this sure is a nice little submarine you got here." "Prepare torpedo!" "Would you mind if I took a little peek?" "We don't peek here!" "Come on, Siegfried, if this were my submarine and you were my prisoner I'd let you take a peek." "Yeah, and while you are peeking my valuable time is wasting." "and by the time you get finished peeking and by the time I get back to the periscope the destroyer is out of range." "That trick is stupid!" "That trick is dumb!" "That trick is childish!" "Und... the destroyer is out of range." "Time is growing short." "You have to make up your mind, Chief." "If we let that KAOS submarine get away, we may never get another crack at it." "If we sink it I lose two top agents and my two best friends." "It's a difficult decision." "What's it gonna be, Chief?" "Gentlemen, I've made up my mind." "Both:" "Yes?" "I've decided to leave the decision to you." "Very well, Chief." " I say sink the sub." " I say we don't." "That makes a tie." "You'll have to cast the deciding vote, Chief." "I cannot let friendship affect my judgment." "Sink the sub." "Up periscope!" "Nothing... nothing... nothing... nothing..." "six destroyers... nothing..." "Six destroyers headed right for our position?" "!" "You'd better surrender, Siegfried." " Never!" " You mind if we do?" "Forget it, Smart." "We are going to hide on the bottom." "All engines ready!" "Prepare to dive!" "Down periscope!" "Dive!" "( klaxon sounds )" " Krueger." " Ja?" "What is our position?" "We are on the bottom." "Terrific." " Listen, Siegfried" " Quiet!" "I wish to see if they know our position." " I want complete silence!" " ( rattling equipment )" "Shh!" "You don't "shush" here!" "I "shush" here!" "Shush!" "( depth charge explodes )" "Those destroyers have absolutely no idea where we are." "( explosion rumbles )" "Someone just took a great guess." "That was close." "We may have to make a run for it." "What's the matter, Siegfried, afraid to die?" "Max!" "We're gonna die too." "Oh." "Well, in that case I have a suggestion." " Siegfried:" "What?" " Let's make a run for it." "No, I think not." "Look, Siegfried, your men look like they're about to panic." "Never!" "My men are carefully trained." "They will not panic until I give the order to panic." "Prepare to panic!" "Those depth charges are getting closer, Siegfried." "It's just a matter of minutes until they hit us." "My men have been under attack before." "We will remain in this area for another five minutes," "Then I will execute a counter-maneuver." "Listen to me, men." "Siegfried doesn't care if you stay down here and drown like rats." "Your only chance is to follow me and mutiny." "Mutiny?" "Don't be ridiculous." "They will not mutiny." "Cover them!" "Men, think of your wives and children." "Dummkopfs." "None of you are married." "Listen, are you gonna gamble and take the one small chance you've got to get out of here alive, or are you going to surrender and be guaranteed life imprisonment?" "Men, I hope you realize a mutiny might affect your pensions." "I'm prepared to offer you $5,000 each." "You fools!" "We still have a chance to get out of this." "And in case you have forgotten, next week is the annual KAOS dance!" "$10,000." "I'm sorry, Smart." "My men just happen to be crazy about dancing." "They're zeroing in on you, Siegfried." "Krueger!" "( speaking German )" "What did he say, Max?" "He said to release the oil." "It's an old trick, 99." "When the oil gets to the surface they think the sub has been hit." "But let me tell you this, Siegfried" "The trick is stupid!" "The trick is dumb!" "The trick is childish!" "The trick is childish!" "And the trick is working." "Quickly, take these two to the torpedo room." "You, Smart, over here." "Load yourself into the torpedo tube." "Just what have you got in mind, Siegfried?" "I think my little plan will amuse you." "Well, I certainly hope so, because up until now you haven't exactly been a barrel of laughs." "Perhaps when you fully understand." "I am going to fire the both of you from the torpedo tubes." "When the destroyers move in to recover your bodies," "I will fire the real torpedoes." "Get in!" "Wait a minute, Siegfried." "May I have one last request?" "Last request?" "It's just that Maxwell Smart and I have been very dear friends for a long time and I'd like to shake his hand goodbye." "What kind of a last request is this?" "What harm could it do?" "Go ahead!" "Max, the mini T.H.!" " Mini T.H.?" " Yes, the Miniature Torpedo Hammer." "There's a powerful explosive in the head of this hammer." "One tap on the nose of this torpedo and we'll all be blown to bits." "Your gun, Siegfried." "All right, now have your men drop their guns and bring the sub to the surface." "Do as he says." "I hope you've learned your lesson, Siegfried." "I sure have." "( speaking German )" "What did he say, Max?" "From now on, no more last requests!" "All right, Siegfried, move out." "Well, Siegfried, you're going away to prison for a long long time." "I have escaped from prisons before and I shall escape from prisons again." "And Max will capture you again." " Really, Miss 99?" " Yes, Siegfried." "As you go through the world of espionage you'll find out that there are some bad guys and some good guys." "And Maxwell Smart happens to be one of the good guys." "As one bad guy to one good guy, I promise you we shall meet again, Smart!" "All right, Siegfried, move out." " Max, tell me something." " Yes, what is it, 99?" "If Siegfried hadn't surrendered, would you really have hit the torpedo with that hammer?" "Yes, but it wouldn't have done any good." "You see, I happened to have noticed with my eagle eye that the firing pin on this hammer was defective." " Really?" " Yeah, it's no good at all." " 99, do me a favor!" "?" " To do what, Max?" "Remind me to have my eagle eye checked!" " Hello, Chief." " 99, Max!" "Am I glad to see you." "Welcome home." "Thought we were gone forever, huh, Chief?" "Nonsense, Max." "I have all the confidence in the world in you." "Oh really?" "Then perhaps you can explain why a stranger's car is in my parking place and someone else's gym shoes are in my locker." "It's only temporary, Max." "I knew you'd be gone for at least a week." "Are you sure, Chief?" " Of course, Max." " ( intercom buzzes )" "Yes?" "Hobson:" "Agent 86 to see you, sir." "Uh, haven't you made some sort of mistake, Hobson?" "No, sir, you reassigned that number last week." " I'm sorry, Max." " It's okay, Chief." "I'm expendable." " I'll make it up to you, Max." " A raise?" "No, we're over budget." "A vacation?" "I can't spare you right now." "How about another suicide mission?" "Don't be a grouch!" "I'm proud of the way you and 99 handled this assignment." "Thank you, Chief." "At least Siegfried is behind bars where he belongs." "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you, Max." " Siegfried has escaped." " You're kidding." "No, as a matter of fact I just got this telegram for you." ""Will not rest until I have killed you in cold blood." "Sincerely, Siegfried."" "Max, he really means that." "I knew he was vicious, cruel and rotten, but he's gone too far." "What do you mean?" "This telegram was sent collect!" "( theme music playing )"