"Hi, Mom, I'm home." "Washing socks?" "I got to." "I left 'em out for the elves to do last night." "They wouldn't touch 'em." "Can you blame them?" " You do lovely work." " I think I'm getting bedpan hands." " Is your cold better?" " Does a cold ever get better?" "You're shaving in the middle of the week." "Anybody I know?" " Lieutenant Marquette." " Oh." "The new one." "You're very observant for a laundress." " I never met a nurse that didn't register." " Ahh!" "A registered nurse!" "We're going on a picnic." "I'm gonna show her the beauty of Korea." "Among other natural wonders." "These socks are dripping all over the floor!" " It settles the dust." " I'll do yours for five dollars, Frank." "He doesn't wash his socks." "He wears them for a month, then burns them." " Will you put that away, Frank?" " I'm cleaning it!" "Playing with a gun is very significant." "Highly Freudian." "Or am I guilty of pistol envy?" "I don't put any stock in that Freud stuff." "You might have been one of his original patients." "Oh, phooey!" "I can just see you walking through the Vienna woods kissing a loaf of freshly-baked bread." ""Come to the laboratory, young man." "I give you strudel. "" "I think that man is more than just an animal whose every thought is motivated by sex." "Well, there goes Hot Lips' evening." " Will you stop pointing that thing?" " The safety's on!" "I think." "Now it is." "I know it's irrational to ask you a rational question, but why do you need a gun?" "We are in a battle zone, mister, only three miles from the front!" "You must have very long bullets." "Hey, Hawkeye." "I got the stuff for your picnic." "Oh, faithful Radar." "When I have the time, I'll make you tall." "What culinary delights did you get for us this time?" "You've got breaded veal sandwiches." " With yesterday's lettuce." " And tomorrow's bananas." "And neither is what it was or is going to be." " Get the tomatoes?" " No." " Why not?" " I looked at 'em, and something looked back." "Thanks." "Brandy, compliments of Colonel Blake." " Not very much in it." " He wasn't very complimentary." "Fill it up." " Take some white brandy." " Oh, right." " You can't use him as a servant!" " There's no servitude." " He likes me, don't you, Radar?" " Yes, sir." " And you don't like Major Burns, do you?" " That's not so." "I like you, sir." "Why do you always say nasty things about him behind his back?" "Boy!" "Honestly, sometimes..." "Gee!" "Well, I'm off." "Don't wait up for me." "I'm gonna break that gun into pieces and feed it to you intravenously." "Are you aware you're talking to an officer of superior rank?" "Yes." "See you later, Trap." "Make notes!" "It's hard to accept." "Here it's so peaceful, idyllic." "And right over there is the war." "I feel almost guilty." "These moments are necessary." "Not something we owe ourselves, something we owe them." "I feel better." "And it's only just begun." "Is that all right, Frank?" "Eight cans, eight shots." "That should be about right." " Could I see the gun just once more, Frank?" " You've seen it, Margaret." "There's just something about a pearl-handled pistol that makes me..." "Did I tell you my father had one?" "I couldn't." "I just remembered that." "Isn't that curious?" " And exciting somehow." " Well... yeah." " Does every new nurse fall in love with you?" " No." "Only the ones with taste." " Do you think I have any?" " I don't know." "Let me taste you." "What was that?" "You wait here." "Keep down." "Frank!" " You know how close you came with that?" " I haven't fired yet!" " I was over there and a bullet..." " I haven't fired yet!" " Don't lie!" " He most certainly has not!" " Give it to me." "We'll give you a doll that wets." " No!" " What was that?" " The sniper!" "Sniper?" "!" "The war, remember?" " Where are you going?" " Get back to camp!" "Those are shots, aren't they, Radar?" " We're under fire, sir." " Hell's bells, we're a hospital!" "That's against the Geneva Convention." "I'm not for it, either, sir." "We're completely unarmed." "Sitting here with our tails sticking out." "Helpless." "Radar." "Psst!" "Come here." " I'll call headquarters and get help." " Call headquarters and get help." "Radar, it's not very safe out there." "It's not much better in here, sir." " Sir?" " What happened?" "Uh, nothing." "I forgot my glasses." "I could go out there again..." "if you wanted to volunteer me." "Oh, forget it." "You'd look silly with a hole in your head." " Come here." " Yes, sir." "You up there, you hear me?" "This is Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake!" "Do you hear me?" "That son of a gun hears pretty good." "Can I have it quiet in here, please?" "People!" "Quiet!" "Shh!" "Quiet!" "The major has something to say!" "Quiet!" "Quiet, please!" "Please may I have your attention?" "Now, please, I want it quiet!" "People?" "I don't know." "I've always had it." "All right, people." "I want everybody calm." "Completely calm." "And that's an order." "Now, we're under..." "We're under massive enemy attack!" "Colonel Blake, our commander, is missing in action!" "He's trapped in the shower with Radar." "What a way to go." "Well, in that case, I'm assuming command until the colonel can be... de-showerised." "It's like the Titanic with no orchestra." "I think there's only one, but I don't know." "What difference does it make?" "You want us to go after him with our diplomas?" "Look, we need help!" "Yeah." "Yeah, I realise that." "If there's a push on, there's gonna be wounded, and we're pinned down." "Yeah." "OK." "OK." "Yeah." "We do the best we can." "There's a push on." "Tomorrow noon's the earliest they can get here." " Thank God." " Congratulations, you're alive." " Are you all right?" " Barely." "That guy's really peppering away." " We've been pinned down in the shower." " It's the cleanest you've been since it rained." " What's the situation?" " Desperate." "No food." "No ammunition." " Low on supplies." "Low on morale." " But very high on panic." " Frank's been a marvellous commandant." " He's risen to a new low." " You got casualties, son?" " Yes, sir, six." "Some of 'em look bad." " Mclntyre, check his arm." " Colonel, we've got to get them in here." "I may not know the difference between a bayonet and a butter knife, but I do know that!" " I hate to do this, but I've made a decision." " Another first." "I'm gonna call for immediate help." "Henry!" "We did." "We're on our own till tomorrow." " We can't wait!" "We've gotta do something!" " Anything!" "I agree with Frank." "We should do anything." "The first thing we have to do before we do anything is to get the casualties in here." " Isn't it obvious what to do?" " What?" " Surrender." " Surrender?" "!" "There are wounded." "If we surrender, there's a chance we can help them." "Surrender?" "Surrender and be overrun by those yellow hordes?" "Overrun by a horde of one?" "There may be a squad of them out there!" "When you surrender, they infiltrate and crawl into your perimeter." "Frank, there are ladies here." "May I remind you of your responsibility for the women of this command?" "What guarantee do we have concerning the violations of our bodies?" "The possibly numerous, multiple violations of our bodies by the enemy?" " What kinda guarantee do you want?" " That remark is beneath notice!" " Don't notice it." " Hold it." "I can't surrender without orders." "They emphasised that to me particularly." "I don't know exactly why." "The guy said "Blake, never surrender without checking. "" " Headquarters says there's a push on." " All the more reason not to surrender!" "Au contraire." "There are choppers gonna be flying wounded in here looking for the 4077th." "If we surrender, we can keep working." "If not, we're sitting with our majors hanging out." " Colonel, may I go on record..." " No!" " Radar..." " Get a white flag." "Yes, sir." "OK for now." "Wave it." "Wave it." "OK!" "Start unloading!" "Let's go!" "Move!" "I hope he likes a parade." "Let's go!" " Let's get these cases prepped." "Hurry it up." " Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Wait!" " You OK?" " Fine." "You?" " I don't know about you, but I'm upset." " Why?" "My draft board promised me there wouldn't be any shooting." "Hey, holy moly, look at this kid's gall bladder." "I got a weak stomach, that's why I didn't go into medicine." "Come on." "Sponge." "Well, Pierce, maybe now you'll understand you can't do business with the commies." "How would you like your eyebrows plucked?" "From inside?" " Just where did your appeasement get us?" " The sniper's outside." "The generator's shot." "Yeah, but the wounded are in." "Stop yapping and work." "How they hate you for your courage." "Kid's not over 16." "Still got baby fat." "What is this?" "A children's war?" "It's everybody's war, Pierce." " You can have my share." " You selling bonds again, Frank?" "It's a little late in the game for pacifism, gentlemen." "You just don't quit." "And what happens if we do quit and they roll right over us?" " You could roll over first." " You're obscene!" "I'm even better on the phone." "Give me more light." "This is eerie." "Sit a little closer." "It drives away the eeries." "Why do I feel safe here with you?" "Search me." "I don't." "All things considered, I think things are running fairly smoothly." "Don't you think so?" "The tension is unbearable." "And building and building." "Can't you feel it?" "Can't you feel anything?" "Oh, definitely." "Apart from the sniper, don't you think things are running smoothly?" "Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir." "Yes, well, that coincides with how long we've gone without food." "I have this peculiar metabolism." "If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid." "My shoes are full of water." "They are not!" "A real man - if we had a real man in this outfit - would be out there in the darkness with his gun, putting an end to this tension." "I don't do very well at night." "Since when?" "My optic adjustment to darkness is, um, subnormal." "I don't see very well." "But I do." "May I say, Frank, that my eyes are wide open and seeing more than I care to?" "Margaret." "Relax, relax." "I'm not here for violation purposes." "Where's Frank?" "It's his shift." "He's not here." "He's not here." "Frank!" "Frank!" "Come one step closer and I'll blow your head off." "It's Hawkeye." "Frank." " Oh, hi." " Hi, Frank." "What's new?" "Well, I..." "I was out hunting the sniper." " I was, really." " Right." "And then after a while, I..." "Well..." " Frank, even General Patton had his off days." " Really?" "Oh, yeah, days you wouldn't believe." "Days when he just had to slap someone." "Do you know how long it took me to become a doctor?" "Do you?" " I thought the usual time." " Twice as long." "I flunked outta two med schools." "I thought of switching to nurse, but I could never make hospital corners." " Frank..." " During my internship, the local undertaker used to send me Christmas presents and calendars." "But I made it." "Why should I throw all that away?" "Let them send men that have nothing to lose." "Sure, Frank." "Sure." "Oh, Pierce?" "What are you going to say to...?" "If you're lucky, and if I'm lucky, I won't run into her." "The mess tent." " The sniper?" " Quiet!" " Come on." " Me?" "He doesn't know we're here, but we know he's there, so we have a chance to catch him." " Catch him?" "!" " Or he catches us, however it works out." "Look, if you want to be a hero that much, you go." "Frank, you know what a hero is?" "99 times out of 100, he's somebody tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn." "I don't give a damn." "Come on." "Wait!" "I'll come with you!" "I got him!" "I got him!" "Stop shooting!" " You almost killed me!" " I didn't fire it!" "I didn't!" "Yes, I did." "I had to get something to eat!" "You'd risk your life for a... ketchup on rye?" "With butter and lettuce!" " That was too close." " Wow!" "You wanna finish that here or in surgery?" "But, General, you promised us help by noon!" "Well, what time is it now?" "1300 hours?" "Well, that's after noon, isn't it, sir?" "Isn't it 12 up until it gets to be noon, and then you start all that "hundred hours" stuff?" "I wish the army would tell time like everybody else." "No offence, sir, but..." "Hold on a minute." "Hold on." "The chopper's here, sir." "Yeah." "Look, I'll call you back later." "What's that, General?" "I can't hear you!" "I can't..." "What?" "I said I..." "Do you think they got him?" "I think they got him and a half." "Holy..." " It could be a trick." " He fired on our white flag." "Let's fire on his." "Just spitballing." " Radar, you wanna do me a favour?" " I'll get your bag." " You sure you know what you're doing?" " Not really, no." " Thanks." " Sure." "See ya." "If you knew how lucky you are to be getting this house call." " What's the word?" " He's gonna make it." "Oh, thanks, Radar." "I can use a little mother's milk." " Why was he shooting at us?" " He's just a kid!" "16 or 17." "Gee." "Interpreter said he got cut off from his outfit." "Half out of his mind - scared, cold, hungry." "You won't believe this." "He thought this was MacArthur's headquarters." " That's pathetic." " He still thinks so." "He went under thinking he's gonna be the most famous man in North Korea." "Seems a shame to disappoint him." "Be nice if MacArthur could pay him a bedside visit." "Where are you gonna get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sakes?" " What's going on?" " You have returned."