"Previously on Childrens Hospital..." "We're breaking up." "It is not working out between us." " We're breaking up." " Not here." "Not in front of the kids." " We're breaking up." " I can tell." "I'm a doctor." " You know we're breaking up, right?" " Oh, yeah." " I have to break up with both of you." " What?" " You know we're breaking up, right?" " Oh, yeah." "It's not working for me." "It's over." "Again?" " It's over." " Again?" "Okay, don't be so dramatic." " We're breaking up." " We're break..." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I've forgotten your name." " We're breaking up!" " I can't hear you!" "No, I know that you can hear me, 'cause I can hear you." " We're breaking up." " Okay." " It's over." " Will you e-mail me?" "'Cause I might forget." "Things haven't been working out, and I just..." "I'm breaking up with you." "Beat you to it." "Boom!" " We're breaking up." " Huh?" "Can't it wait twenty seconds?" "Ten seconds." " No." "I got to go." " Aah!" "Wait!" "Attention, staff..." "There's a gigantic snake living below the elevators." "Love." "Why is it that when you're in it, you can't remember not being in it?" "And when you're not in it, it's like, "What is it?"" "Why is it not just in and of itself, in or out?" "I should do my own podcast." "This looks like Esperanza the maid." "Well, it's like a big maid and a little maid." " I don't like chocolate people." " Oh, don't say that in public, honey." "Hey." "Dr. Black, you spend a lot of time treating Nicky, but his advanced-aging disease seems to be getting worse." "I have gout." "Why don't you go on down to the cafeteria and get us an eight-pack of Smirnoff Ice, yeah?" "Can you get on with the exam, please, before Nicky gets any older?" " God, look at those eyes." " I have heat vision!" "God, I just wish I knew you when you were young." "He's six." "Well, then I wish I knew you when you were four." " Here's a question." " What?" "Are space bugs real?" "Do you like new experiences?" "Here we are." "What are you doing?" "It's cold in here." " It's fine." " No, it's not." " What's going on here?" " Oh, that's cat's new boyfriend." "Boyfriend?" "She just broke up with me." "Um, a month ago." "Hey, she just tried kissing me two weeks ago." "Well, she'll date anything." "No offense to me." "None taken." "Remember when she dated Josh Brolin?" "Remember when she dated Josh Brolin's character in "Goonies"?" "Remember when she dated that sculpture of our hospital's founder, Mr. Childrens?" "In "Goonies"?" " No, he wasn't in "Goonies."" " He wasn't in "Goonies"?" "Who was it?" "Who..." "Oh, you know who I'm thinking of?" "Josh Brolin." "She'll date anything." "What does that make us?" "The two hottest doctors in here." "You are so true." "I feel dizzy." "I want to get deep inside of you." "Congratulations, Dr. Von Sydow." "You are the first doctor from Childrens ever to receive the Nobel Prize." "Well, it was just for medicine." "They offered me the peace prize, but I turned it down 'cause I don't want the bitches to think I'm a gaylord." "Well, Max, I'm very busy, so..." "Right." "I'm Audi RS4 with the gold package." "M.S., right?" "Excuse me?" "You have M.S.?" "A touch." "Probably a little Parkinson's in there, too, right?" "Little bit." "How much cerebral palsy do you have?" "I have a splash." "It's going around." "Why?" "You sitting down?" "I can cure you." "Leave the pee." "Okay." "Careful." "You know I can't fix your handicapped emotions, right?" "This week's finale of NTSF:" "San Diego" " will blow you away" " Trick or treat." "Trent, you have a big day ahead of you." "Listen to me very carefully." "Terrorists have implanted a bomb in your brain, and if it detects any fear in your cerebral cortex, your head will explode." "Heard you was havin' a bad day." "If you consider having your entire family killed by terrorists a bad day, then yeah," "I'm having a bad day." "It's not a joke." "And this time, Trent can't do it alone." "Check this out, man, we got the whole crew back together again for you." "Gavin Smalls, mathematician." "Esteban Tica, weapons and explosives." "Ally Gas, ghost whisperer." "Lt. Frank De Carlo, a detective from the 1970's." "RG654, sentient robot." "Jimmy and Kip, karate twins." "Theresa Howard, bikini model and assassin." "Miss Castellano, kindergarten teacher." "Jacques LeDom, personal chef." "Holton Grovner, Tom Cruise impersonator." " Now tell me who you want." " I'll take 'em all." "Old friends will become new enemies." " I'm yelling now, Admiral!" " No, no, no." "I'm yelling!" " We both can't be yelling!" " But we are!" "What is going to happen to me in the future?" "I'm filing for divorce." "Your thoughts are lying to me!" "Not bad." "The epic twelve-hour season finale event of" "National Terrorism Strike Force:" "San Diego:" "Sports Utility Vehicle." "Terrorists, you've been warned." "Previously on Childrens Hospital..." "And so it is my great pleasure and honor to open up Childrens Hospital's very own genital ward." "Okay, I..." "I'm sorry." "I just got to get my head wrapped around this." "So, you're saying that there is a law that says we cannot test new drugs on rare pandas?" "That's what I am saying." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Aah!" "W... while we're on the subject, can I ask you another question?" "Is there a law against jerking off in a government-office cubicle?" "This genital ward will put Childrens Hospital on the forefront of modern... genital technology and genital research." "You sitting down?" "I can cure you." "You know that visiting doctor, the neuro-specialist?" "Dr. Max von Sydow?" "Yeah, I heard he won a Nobel Peace Prize." "Funny..." "He doesn't look like a fag." "He says he can cure me." "What?" "!" "Hold on, Chief." "If he does that, you might lose your sexy strut." "Strut..." "Maybe, but I have no feeling in my pelvis." "I'll feel that [bleep] for you." "You're sweet." "But I want to be normal, Owen." "I..." "I want to be like everyone else." "That's a kick in the nuts to all those young girls out there that were never called "special"" "or "crippled" or "handi-crippled."" "Bet you say that to all the girls." " N... no, I don't." " Oh, yeah." "I guess you wouldn't." " I don't know other handicapped people." " Right." "Chief, you have a gift." "Please, don't ruin it." "Now, how about that hand job?" "Dora?" "Hi." "Sorry to wake you." "I just want to get some alone time while your mom is at her A.A. meeting." "Can you look under the bed for Dracular?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm gonna look under everything." " I got to go peep." " Can't you wait five minutes?" "I can count to a hundred." " Okay." " One..." "Two..." "Three..." "Oh, yeah." "Cup the balls." "Hey!" "I'm challenging you to a "healing power of laughter"-off." "You have one week to perform a successful operation using only the healing power of laughter." "If you fail, you hang up your balloony pants forever." "I won't fail." "Ooh, I won't." "Fine. [bleep]." "If I fail..." "I leave medicine altogether." "No." "You go [bleep] yourself." "Attention, staff." "I am speaking on the P.A. system." "That's what I'm doing right now in a clear and authoritative voice." "That's it." "This kid's getting a vasectomy." "No, don't." "Diego?" "My mom says that Israel's an outdated concept." "Thank you for watching these two episodes of Childrens Hospital." "A lot of people ask me where I got the idea for Childrens Hospital, and it's a funny story." "Actually, my daughter, my two-year-old daughter dislocated her shoulder, and we had to bring her to a children's hospital." "And I just remember, like, the waiting room was terrifying." "It was, uh, full of nervous parents, most of them crying, you know, and, uh..." "All pale." "This isn't the funny part." "But, um, this gurney, this tiny little gurney comes crashing through the door, and it's surrounded by doctors and nurses, and they're yelling, and they look really scared," "There's this..." "tiny body on the gurney." "The funny part's coming." "And, uh, and there's this Life Flight pilot, this helicopter pilot behind the gurney." "And, uh, and he looks at me, and he goes, "Mondays, right?"" "He didn't actually say that." "So, then I made a TV show about it."