" You've got something in your face?" " O-Oh, what?" "Me." "Oh, God!" "My God, I feel such a hobag, but I'm still glad I did it." "I do declare, spending' a special relationary time with my girlfriend makes me..." "Happier than a bullfrog in a beetle bin." "Why are you talking like that?" "'Cause I'm smittin' with my girlfriend lady." "And this is my smittin' voice." "Well, what voice do you use when you're smittin'?" "My normal voice." "You know, you hide it well." "But you're a very strange person." "Ma'am." " How did I do?" " Seventeen." "That's impressive." "But I'm going to kick your ass." "And..." "Time!" "What's going on, C-Bizzle?" "Seeing who could last the longer in Mr. Sellers' room." "He has a fungal infection under the fat flaps in his stomach." "It smells like the time I accidentally put Izzy's doo-doo diaper in the microwave." "You guys are playing "Smelly-Belly"?" "Gnnnh, time." " Sixteen seconds." " Come on!" "I win." "See, that's what I'm talking about." "That's how it goes when you fight me." "Hold on, Turk." "Let's not declare victory," "Until you give a shot to Dr. John Dorian and his "nostrils of steel"." "Your nose can't handle smells of that magnitude." "Make some room." " Mm-Mhm. - On the clock." " Mm-Mhm." " You have got to be kidding me." "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled." "And the sugar-Free latte for..." " The winner." " Mhmhm." "Victory tastes delicious." "You guys aren't even friends," "Why do you spend so much time competing over everything?" "Because... we're men." "And that is what men do." "Now a quick look to Turk to see if that is what men do." "Huh!" "What do you know?" "Don't forget I crashed you in "Find the vein in the junkie"." "Yeah, but I beat you good at "Gauze ball"." "That's nothing." "Yesterday I won free muffins for life," "By guessing how many coffee beans were in that there jar." "Actually, they had a recount." "You came in second." "What?" "Who came in first?" "You know the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man!" "If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office, going to town on these bad boys." "And you're seeing the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man!" "Why are you guys so obsessed with re-Living everything you won?" "'Cause we're winners." "That's what winners do." "Back to Turk for confirmation." "Dammit!" "If you'd ever won anything, you'd know what we're talking about." "Oh, I've won something, Perry." "We threw our nerd further than yours." "Suck it, bitch!" "Guys, I think their nerd is unconscious." "We should probably roll him over." "That's the moment I realized I wanted to be a doctor." "Italian Scrubs Team Proudly Presents" "Scrubs Season 07 Episode 06 " My No. 1 Doctor " VO Subtitles" "Transcript check:" "Tonone, matters, gi0v3 Worldtreader, Supersimo, JDsClone" "Syncfix: gi0v3" "Every doctor has their own way of dealing with patients." "Turk was all about efficiency." "Why are you standing on a chair?" "Because from this spot I can see into four rooms without actually going in." "Check it." "Patients of Dr. Turk, how are we?" " Ok." " All good." " Fine." " Walleit." "The guy has a tongue surgery." "He's actually ok, though." "Elliot preferred a more personal approach." "Shannon, what's happening, girlfriend?" "Yeah, I know I can't pull off calling someone girlfriend, but she likes it, so..." "I do." "Can't help it." "Shannon's back." "Oh, it's been so great getting to know her." "See, that's the great thing about being in private practice." "You get to treat the same patients all the..." "Oh, come on, you guys!" "Shh!" "People are sleeping here." "Well, I guess you think it so funny, wait:" "Why am I whispering?" "Listen, Barbie, I'd love to take credit for this idea," "But it was all Big Bobby Kelso." "Ah, come on." "Quick announment." "I have signed Sacred Heart up for a web site" "Called rateyourdoc." "Org," "Where patients can evaluate and score their doctors." "I think it's gonna lead to better patient care." "And if along the way, you all become paranoid and overly competitive," "Happy birthday to me." "Dr. Kelso, I became a doctor to save lives," "Heal wounds, and occasionally drop the m." "D. Bomb to pull hot tailing bonus." "You know what else works?" "Cosmonaut." "Try it." "Thank me later." "Noted." "Ha ha ha!" "Oh, I reckon my lady's as purty as a porcupine on roller skates." "That doesn't even make sense." "That's what we smittin' folk call a metaphor." "You, young lady," "Have a head as empty as a whippoorwill in a tub of moonshine." "Heh heh." "There you go." "He's out of his freakin' mind." "How does that woman go out wit him?" "Well, I would say love is blind, but we both know that isn't true." "My love for Enid falls a percentage point for every pound she gains." "Since our wedding day, I am 136% less in love with her." "You're really gonna comment on your wife's weight when you've got" " Muffins stuffed down your pants?" " I like them warm." "So you're experiencing vomiting and shortness of breath," "Neither of which are consistent with your a." "L.S." "It's hard to be comfortable around terminal patients, but Shannon made it easy." "So how is the a." "L.S. Progressing?" " Oh, it's been a blast." " Mm-Hmm." "Her legs are fully paralyzed," "And her arms are on the way." " That does sound fun." " Yeah," "But you know what?" "I think I'm ready for all this, said goodbye to all my friends." "Hell, I even had my funeral already." "She looked so beautiful in her casket." "I'm sure you did." "I wasn't in a casket." "I know that." "Come on, who would do that?" "Except for vampires." "I told you he was gullible." "Shannon, I hate to leave, but I really want to get these down to the lab for testing." " Okay." " I can stay." "So you went to your own funeral, huh?" " Were people sad enough for you?" " Most of them." "And anyone that wasn't crying got a talking to." "You should have invited me." "I can cry on cue." " Say "dead puppies"." " Dead puppies." "Connecting with patients always came easier to me than it did to some others." "Have a good day, Mr. Wolmer." "Wow!" "You actually learned your patient's name." "And if you don't kill him in the operating room, you can take him out dancing." "I doubt it." "I'm amputating his foot later." "But he's still gonna give me a good review." "See, we're DBFFs." " Uh?" " Diabetic best friends forever." "You do usually bond with your patients?" "You're not changing who you are as a doctor to get good ratings, are you?" "Hell to the no." " Are you?" " Ahahah!" "Oh, please!" "So, you're declining chemo because" "Wikipedia says that a raw food diet reverses the effects" "Of bone cancer." "Well..." "Hey, any info you have that I can pass on to my other patients" "Would just be super, and by the bye, while you're on your computer," "Perhaps you could jump over a little site called rateyourdoc." "Org." "O, R, G." "Patients of Dr. Turk, would you like any one-On-One time with your surgeon?" "Please!" "Sure!" "Yeah!" "A private consultation with my surgeon would be very much appreciated." "Thank you!" "Damn." "Someone's tongue is healing fast." "There." "I gave you 5 stars." "Thank you!" "And now I have to take your laptop from you," "As I've deemed you're just too darn stupid" "To use it." "You see those bell peppers that you're munching?" "They aren't gonna do a truck load of jack" "Against the cancer raging inside of your body." "Of course, I've only been a doctor for some 20 years," "And the person who wrote that wikipedia entry" "Also offered that Battlestar Galactica episode guide, so" "What the heck do I know?" "Well, if you feel like living..." "Page me." " So, Lady is an unusual name." " Oh, tell me about it." "I was conceived after my parents saw the movie "Lady and the tramp"." " That's so sweet" " Yeah." "Oh!" "Got to go meet my guy out front." "Nice meeting you Carla!" "So, you'll never believe this." "Lady is normal." "I'm sorry." "Did you also win free muffins for life?" "I didn't think so." "Now let me read the final Harry Potter novel in peace." " Everyone's already read that." " Yes, but if anyone divulges" "Any details to me what happens, Murphy?" "You draw Harry Potter glasses on their face in permanent marker." "That's right." "Now, I don't give a hoot about the janitor and his gal-Pal, ok?" "So shove off." "You wouldn't dare draw on me, and I already know whether Harry lives or dies at the end." "So Lady's completely normal, huh?" "Can you believe that?" "Huh?" " Hey, Elliot." "What's up?" " Good news." "Your symptoms aren't a." "L.S. Related." "You just took too many baclofens." "You probably just mixed up your meds." "In a hospal, little mysteries get solved everyday." "You look nice." "I'm just glad to get out of that uni and into my regular clothes." "That's why she likes him." "He's pretending to be normal." "No way!" " Too much?" " Mm-Hmm." "Sometimes, the answer is right in front of your face." " You got be kidding me." " There has to be an error." "Are you guys still looking at that stupid website?" "I told you those ratings are meaningl" "I'm number one!" "The number-One doctor!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Number one, number one." "I got to make a quick phone call." "Call... mommy." "And sometimes you never could seen it coming." "You got to be more careful with your medications." "I mean, the Baclofen aren't so bad, but if you took too many benzodiazepins," "You could have died." "Then that's definitely what I'll do next time." "Grape?" "Why would you purposefully overdose?" "You know the answer to that." "I've said my good-Byes," "And soon I won't be able to move my arms or even speak." "I am literally going to die entombed in this body." "A lifeless burden to Gail." " Who's Gail?" " My homecare nurse." "I know she's sweet, but she's a little silly for my taste." "Oh, God, she's flying." "How is she getting her scarf to blow like that?" "I get to go next." "Elliot..." "I want things to end on my terms," "And in a few months, I won't even be able to do that." "Why are you telling me all this?" "I mean, this goes against everything that I stand for." " Shannon, I'm your doctor." " I know." "But you're also my friend." "One blueberry, please." "Because I can." "So, what do you want to do tonight?" "Well, it's Friday, which is date night, so perhaps we should see a movie," "And then get some ice cream while we walk and hold hands." "Ha!" "Uh, I vote yes!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Khaki?" " You never wear khaki." " My uniform is khaki." "Your uniform is blue." " No." " Yes." " Leave me alone." " Yeah, right." " Are you coming?" " Well, I might as well" "Miriam here has already ruined the book for me." "The Rate-Your-Doc website also had a comment section." "Come on! "What's up with doctor Cox's hair?" "One week he's bald, the next week he looks like Shirley Temple. "" "Signed Michelle M?" "Oh, it's called Rate Your Doc.org!" "I'm on a completely different more awesome site." " See?" " Woah!" "Can I borrow your laptop just for a second?" "Please?" "Thank you." "Yep!" "Still number one!" "Now to put the cursor back on Doctor Turk" "Who's lower down on the ranking list" "Scrolling down... scrolling..." "scrolling, fake watch, scrolling..." "Scrolling, there he is!" "He hit the bottom!" "Right above Doctor Murphy here!" "How can I be the last?" "All my patients are dead!" "Doug, do you remember that guy you put in the morgue drawer?" "Turns out he was just heavily sedated." "Oh, yeah, you're right!" "All the comments are from him!" "My a." "L.S. Patient just told me she tried to kill herself." "Shannon?" "What are you gonna do?" "Oh, Barbie, you have two choices:" "You can either tell on her or look the other way." "Now me, I'd go ahead and crank up with the moody blues" "And suffocate her with a pillow." "Of course I'm a helper." " As always, thank you." " Welcome." "Someone named Coco Basco wrote that she's sick of me saying" ""That's what I'm talking about!"" "But sometimes it is what I'm talking about." "Tell me this." "Do you like her?" "No." "I've never met her before." "But no." "In fact I'm a hater." "I'm talking about Lady!" "If you like her, you can't keep lying to her about who you are!" "Hogwash!" "Lie forever, it's the natural form of communication between men and women." "Hell!" "Enid still thinks it's too snowy to go outside." "I sprayed the windows with shaving cream to keep her out of the yard." "The wheelchair tears up the grass." "Until you let Lady know the real you," "Your relationship is not real, and it's going to end." "I don't want it to end." " That's his sad voice." " Oh!" "I can't lose to JD, I don't care what it takes." "I thought he was your best friend." "Yeah, winning is way more important than friendship." "My grand gram taught me that." "His patients love him." "How do we undo that?" "After you're done rating me at rateyourdoc." "Org" "Go to my website: thetoddtime." "Com." "Be sure to check out the Tranny Todd feature." "It lets you see what the big dog looks like with the girl parts." "Ma'am, the key to a speedy recovery is less moaning, more boning." "Sure as my name is Dr. John Dorian." "That's what I'm talking about!" "I said it again." " Yeah." " Aw, Damn!" "Hey." "I've been looking for you." "I can't imagine what it's like to know that you're gonna be trapped" "In your own body, just..." "waiting for your misery to end." "Elliot, you can't let this girl do this again." "You gotta tell Gail so she can police it." "But maybe dying is the right choice for her." "But I don't think it's the right choice for you." "You know, as doctors, sometimes we have to protect ourselves first." "I know you better than anybody, you've always believed in the sanctity of life." "If you let this girl kill herself, it's gonna haunt you forever." "I could handle it." "Do you remember when you were treating that teenager and you broke his iPod?" "You felt so guilty, you let him take you to prom." "Yeah, well, I left early and I barely put out." "I just don't want you to get hurt." "You're right." "I'll tell Gail." "Thanks." "Do you know that I'm the n. 1 doctor in the hospital?" "Yes, J.D., I got all the e-Mails." "Oh, hi." "Are we going out?" "What's with the... jumpsuit?" "Oh." "Ok, first of all if we're gonna make it, not a jumpsuit." " Shirt, belt, pants." " Oh." "Ok." "Secondly, I think it's time that you knew the real me." "All right, here we go." "I'm not..." "like normal people." "I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it." "For instance, watch me move this pen." "It worked at home." "I don't know." "Maybe my table is slanted." "Uhm, anyway, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals..." "Usually with other animals." "For instance a... a badger will hold five squirrels." "A squirrel will hold most of a cat." "A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole." "You get the idea." "Circle of life." "I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how." "I don't believe in the moon." "I think it's just the back of the sun." "Ha!" "I love a good train wreck." "Further more, I think if you look closely a mon..." "Stop it, you." "She doesn't know you're joking." " No, I'm..." " Oh, he... he's joking?" "Thank God." "And so the lying begins." "You big joker!" "Go change, and I'll meet you outside." "What just happened?" "Did I black out?" "Did the the pen move?" "You have to tell out you're crazy in little pieces." "You can't do it all at once." "Oh." "Right." "Hey, what do you say, 23?" "Oh, my God." "Another new nickname." "But whet does it mean?" "Play it cool, 23." "You'll find out eventually." "That's what they call me." "Why do they call me that?" "It's your new website ranking." "What?" "How did I drop so low?" "You know, after I fix that gall bladder," "You might want me to do something about those flat boobies." "Dr. John Dorian, MD Attending" "All I wanted to do was win at something, for once," " And when I finally do, you have to go..." " Excuse me," "But do you really want me here for a lecture" "That I'm not gonna feel the least bit guilty about?" "Dismissed." "Him..." "I expect this from," "But you?" "You're my closet friend." "In college, we shared a toothbrush." " And I was not aware of that?" " We did." "Look, man, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" "Here you go, buddy!" "Your very own unicorn." "She's glorious!" "Turk!" "My bad." "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" "Here's your unicorn." "Turk, she's beautiful!" "Oh, look at re" " Turk!" " I gotta tell you," " Unicorns aren't real." " Stop it!" "They're not real." "There's nothing you can do." "What if let you beat me in basketball while the nurses watch?" "Can we yell "white lightning" evertytime I make a basket?" " We always do." " Back in." "Come on..." "Gail's pulling the car around, so I guess this is..." "Don't." "You know I hate the "G" word." "Thank you for everything." "You've been an amazing friend to me." "White lightning!" "Dude, enough practice laps." "I'm getting hoarse." "White lightning!" "Are you even listening to me?" "When you have something you have to get off your chest," "JD!" "You can test the water..." "Check this out." "I found it at a garage sale." "Oh, my God." "That is disgusting." "Yeah..." "I know." "I think so, too." "I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page." "Or you can come completely clean..." "I talked to Kelso about the whole Todd thing, and you're back at number one." "That's what I'm talking about!" "I figured since you can't say it anymore," " Maybe I could have it." " No." "Of course, if you're really the number one doctor," "You might end up keeping things to yourself," "Is there anything else I need to know?" "No, nothing else." "Even if it will haunt you... forever."