"(MAN CHANTING IN ARABIC)" "ANCHORMAN:" "Tensions are rising as the stand-off between the world community and the rogue North African nation of Wadiya intensified today as U. N. weapons inspectors were once again refused access to the country by Wadiyan leader, Admiral General Aladeen." "I will take no options off the table." "And I mean what I say." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "ANCHORMAN:" "Tonight we ask..." "Who is General Aladeen?" "According to Wadiyan propaganda," "Haffaz Aladeen was born in 1973." "He did not know his mother, who died in childbirth." "General Aladeen was born the only son of the Colonel Aladeen, himself a savage and violent dictator." "(GROANS)" "Next!" "ANCHORMAN:" "Known for his iconic beard, he is protected by 30 female guards, who he maintains are virgin." "(YELLS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Thrust into power at age seven, he may just be the most dangerous man in the entire world." "All right, let's get right to it." "Do you have nuclear weapons?" "(LAUGHING)" "What was the question?" "Do you have nuclear weapons?" "Sorry, I can't hear you." "Are you developing nuclear weapons?" "No, I literally can't hear you." "I'm going to another question." "Oh, I can hear you now." "Eccentric and with unlimited oil wealth, he recently hosted his own Olympic Games..." "OLYMPIC OFFICIAL ON SPEAKER:" "On your mark, get set." "(SPECTATORS CHEERING)" "ANCHORMAN: ...at which he won fourteen gold medals." "SPECTATORS: (CHANTING) Aladeen!" "Aladeen!" "ANCHORMAN:" "Often described as ignorant, he changed over 300 Wadiyan words to "Aladeen, "" "including the words "positive" and "negative," causing mass confusion." "Do you want the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?" "The Aladeen news?" "You are HIV-Aladeen." "ANCHORMAN:" "With pressure mounting," "Aladeen addressed his nation today." "CROWD: (CHANTING) Aladeen!" "Aladeen!" "(CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING)" "People of Wadiya," "I come before you today to tell you that the world shall kneel before our great nation." "We are two months away from enriching weapons-grade uranium" "(CHEERING) to be used for peaceful purposes. (SNICKERING)" "(EXHALES)" "It will be used only for medical research and clean energy." "It will, it will." "And will certainly never be used to attack ls..." "Oh, boy." "ANCHORMAN:" "With that speech, today, the international community is asking one question:" "Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya have nuclear weapons?" "Now, show me my nuclear weapons!" "I can't wait!" "I can't Wait!" "(LAUGHING)" "(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "This is the Beard of Doom rocket?" "This is my weapon?" "I will be a laughingstock!" "All my friends have got nuclear weapons." "Even Ahmadinejad!" "And he looks like a snitch on Miami Vice." "Would it kill him to wear a tie?" "I mean, is every day in Iran casual Friday?" "Where is the Head of my Nuclear Program and Procurer of Women?" "Where is Nuclear Nadal?" "You had Nadal executed, Supreme Leader." "Why did I do that?" "Ah!" "Supreme Leader!" "Ah, Nadal." "We are just months away from refining weapons-grade uranium, and we are set to test the missile next week." "Hmm." "It is too round on the top." "It needs to be pointy." "Round is not scary." "Pointy is scary." "This will put a smile on the faces of the enemy." "They will think that it is a huge robot dildo flying toward them." "No, Supreme Leader." "The shape of the missile top has nothing to do with aerodynamics." "It is about the payload delivery." "No." "It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom." "Supreme Leader, I think perhaps some of your information about bombs is coming from cartoons." "Nonsense." "They were research films." "And in them, the victims of the bomb would get very sooty faces and then a see-through version of themselves started rising up towards Heaven while playing a harp." "In this film, just one question, was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens, his bill goes around to the back of his head, and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way?" "There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that." "Okay." "I am now 100% sure that you are watching cartoons." "Have you spoken to the experts about this?" " Have you consulted Professor Bobeye?" " Who?" "Professor Bobeye, the one with the incredibly strong forearms that are miss-sized for his body." "The man you are discussing is called Popeye." " Bobeye." " He is not a professor." "Popeye is, as the song tells us, a sailor man." "Indulge me." "For one second, pretend that I'm an idiot." "Okay." "I'm there." "And explain to me how this bomb will not land in Israel and then, literally, bounce right back and blow up Wadiya." "Supreme Leader, let me explain to you." "You've lost me." "This is the missile in Wadiya, you push the button, "Boop!"" "(lvlllvllcs MISSILE)" "Israel... (MIMICS EXPLOSION)" "(SCREAMS)" ""No!" "Why?" "Aah!"" "Nuclear winter." "The reality is... (lvlllvllcs MISSILE)" "(MIMICS BOUNCE)" "O)' Vey!" "Aah!" "Us." "Believe me, sir, if I could make the device even a little more pointy," "I would, but I simply cannot." "Okay." "You know what?" "Let's just agree to disagree, my friend." "Okay." "What?" "Why?" "No!" "HEAD SCIENTIST:" "Don't you remember?" "Of course I remember!" "How dare you question my memory?" "I remember everything!" "No, I would never do that!" "Never!" "I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean that." "Don't worry, it's fine." "Well done, my friend." "Thank you." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Where are we going?" "Admiral General, what if we just tell the United Nations we have no nuclear weapons?" "They will lift the sanctions." "We'll be free to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert." "Uncle Tamir." "Do you not remember what my saintly father made me promise him on his deathbed?" "It was never to sell Wadiya's oil." "You remember that was when he gave me power instead of you, the rightful heir." "You've been so cool about it." "Now, let's go back to the palace." "It's the season finale of Real Housewives of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicch!" "(SPEAKING WADIYAN)" "ALL: (CHANTING) Aladeenl Aladeen!" "Death to the tyrant!" "(WOMAN SCREAMING)" "Looks like we need to find a new double." "Because this one is..." "You know, I don't know if he's going to get better." "Oh, he's not going to recover, sir." "He's dead." "Send his wife some chocolate covered almond nuts in a cellophane wrapped box." "Delicious." "We're going to send your wife some almonds." "Chocolate covered versions of these." "Ooh!" "Maroush, I think I dropped an almond in his head." "Can you take it out?" "What I don't want to do is send the body to the family and then they discover an almond in his head, and they say, "Why is there an almond in his head?"" "Take it out." "Clean it!" "How am I gonna eat that?" " Don't eat it." " Oh, Maroush!" "Listen, everything is gonna be just fine." "I don't want you to worry about anything." "Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye when I'm speaking to you?" "It's very rude not to look at somebody in the eye when they're talking to you." "It's okay." "Don't worry." "You're having a rough day." "We shot the wrong man." "I can fix this." "I have a new plan." "We need to find a new double." "One that is simple enough to be manipulated completely." "(GOATS BLEATING)" "I think we found what you are looking for." "You think this man looks like me?" "You have a very big barn." "You must have many happy goats, hmm?" "What the fuck does that even mean?" "Uncle Tamir, this thing is an idiot." "What makes you think he can do the job?" "May I remind you that his only real job is to be shot in the head." "Very well." "Put him through the process, okay?" "Clip his nails, file his teeth, bleach his skin, and shorten the penis." "(ALADEEN MOANING)" "ALADEEN:" "Megan!" "Megan!" "(MOANS LOUDLY)" "You now have herpes." "(SIGHS)" "Megan, you were worth every penny." "Mmm." "You were super hot." "Is my jet ready?" "Yes, but do you want to stay the night?" "You know, I really want to do some cuddling." "No." "Your time is up." "I have to be with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow." "Okay." "Maroush, give the goodie bag!" "(SOFTLY) Thanks." "ALADEEN:" "I trust everything is in there, as your manager requested?" "Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex." "That's because she let me Aladeen in her face." "(GRUNTS) Okay." "Right." "Are you sure you don't want to stay for some cuddles?" " No." " ALADEEN:" "But, please." "I really want someone to cuddle." "ANCHORMAN:" "Breaking news now." "Just moments ago, the U. N. Security Council voted to authorize NATO air strikes against Wadiya, unless Admiral General Aladeen agrees to address the U. N. in person." "And now, the world waits." "What will Aladeen do next?" "(GRUNTS)" "(SCREAMS ONSCREEN)" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "AUTOMATED VOICE:" "You've unlocked the suicide vest!" "ALADEEN:" "Next." "No, no, no." "No." "Boring, boring." "Come on." "Come on." "Beloved Oppressor, I have just received disturbing news." "AUTOMATED VOICE:" "Welcome to the Munich Olympics." "Shalom?" "(GUNFIRE ONSCREEN)" "O)' Vey!" "Supreme Leader, the United Nations demands that you address their concerns about our nuclear program, or they will vote to authorize military action." "VIDEO GAME ATHLETE:" "Meshuggener!" "Summon my generals." "I'll join you after I finish this level." "AUTOMATED VOICE:" "Bonus round." "Mass grave." "Those gangsters at the UN want me to address them." "Fine!" "I'll address them like they've never been addressed before." "How much time have they allotted me?" "Seven minutes, sir." "I'll talk for 14 hours!" "And three of those will be untranslatable." "Literally, baby noises." "(GIBBERISH)" "Okay." "Let's rehearse this." "Role play, role play." "You, come on." "This'll be fun." "So, Secretary General, your soldiers will weep... (SCREAMING)" "I'm so sorry!" "Listen, it was not my fault." "I mean, somebody had set the safety catch to "Aladeen" instead of "Aladeen."" "Look, I mean, this whole gun... (YELLS)" "It's gonna be fine." "You just need to ice it." "You got to ice." "Promise me you're going to ice?" "Okay." "Tamir!" "Inflate my neck pillow and pack my book of medium-level Sudoku." "We're going to America!" "(HORNS HONKING)" "(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN PROTEST)" "(THE NEXT EPISODE PLAYING IN ARABIC)" "(ENGINES REVVING)" "Ah, America!" "The birthplace of AIDS." "Supreme Leader, I took the liberty of hiring some extra security." "This is Mr. Clayton." "Admiral General, I am here for your protection 24/7." "Okay." "But in the interest of full disclosure, I have to say I hate A-rabs." "Well, that's fine, because I'm not an Arab." "Well, you're all A-rabs to me, the blacks, the Jews, those blue tree-hugging queers in A-vatar." "In fact, anyone from outside of America is technically an A-rab." "Hmm." "Listen, while you're here," "I highly recommend a visit to the Empire State Building, before you or one of your sand-monkey cousins takes it down." "Also, if you're interested in taking in a Broadway show while you're here, and you don't mind the homo stuff," "I highly recommend Billy Elliot." "You know what, I like this guy despite his liberal views." "Very good, sir." "Supreme Leader, the suite has been renovated to your specifications." "Twenty dollars a day for Internet?" "What the fuck?" "And they accuse me of being an international criminal?" "Beloved Oppressor, try to get some sleep." "Tomorrow is your big speech." "Nobody touch the minibar!" "It's a fucking rip-off!" "(GROANS)" "(HYPERVENTILATING)" "CLAYTON:" "Rise and shine." "ALADEEN:" "Who are you?" "We've actually already met." "Hello, Aladdin." "Clayton?" "I thought we were friends." "(CHUCKLES)" "Nice to see you, too." "(GROANS)" " Here's the deal." "I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna burn your body." "No, no, no." "Please, don't." "But before I do I have one very important question for you." "Did you get a chance to see Billy Elliot?" "Yes." "And?" "I found it heartwarming and life-affirming." "(LAUGHS)" "Thank you!" "How great is that show?" "It is." "It's great, yeah." "You know, he's got like an artist inside himself, but he's in this working class place and no one understands him." "He's just like... (GRUNTS) I'm gonna express myself in my dance." "And he expresses himself..." "And he doesn't wanna use violence, but he puts his violence into his dance." "You should try that." "Okay." "So, we gotta get down to business." "Enough chit-chat." "I'm being paid to kill you." "But I'm gonna torture you for free." "Are you serious?" "Where'd you get those relics?" "From the Shah of Iran's garage sale?" "Yeah, right." "I mean, I know there's nothing more annoying than a backseat torturer, but, please, come on." "This is great stuff." "It's not great stuff." "That's like 1972, hello." "You won't be talking so much smack with this up your butt." "That's the Anal Umbrella." "It's a good device, I grant you, but where's the splash guard?" "You're going to kill me and your white shirt." "It didn't come with a splash guard." "You're gonna get chara on your trousers." "I can see it has a screw hole for one." "Apparently, I didn't get it." "All right, Mr. Smart Guy, check out this bad boy." "Oh, that's not bad." "The Kandahar Cock Wrench." "Okay, so, now we're getting somewhere." "It's actually been banned in Saudi Arabia for being too safe." "You know, (SIGHS) this is totally depressing." "Listen, just show me another one." "You know, honestly, I don't even want to show you anything anymore." "Don't be like that." "You know, I don't even think you want to be tortured." "I don't want to be tortured." "You're just, like, taking all the fun out of it!" "You just want me to say compliments all the time." "So either you want the truth or you want compliments." "Decide!" "It'd be nice if I gotjust a little bit of positive feedback about my tools." "What else you got?" "I'm gonna love the next thing!" "I will be supportive." "All right." "Just this." "This pours hot fire out on you." "Oh, the Fallujah Firehose!" "Someone's got a friend in Syria!" "I am pretty proud of it." "There is a new model, you know." "(SIGHS)" "I've got one that works by Bluetooth." "Screw it." "Screw it!" "Screw it!" "I'm going to enjoy this now." "No, don't." "Don't." "Don't." "Please, don't!" "(SCREAMS)" "No one will recognize the body without this!" "The Supreme Beard!" "You will be cursed!" "(SCREAMS) No, no, don't do it!" "Come on!" "Why won't this catch?" "You foolish man!" "There is no earthly fire that could ever light... (SCREAMS)" "The flames of the righteous attack the unjust!" "I'll be back With help!" "J.K.!" "Just kidding!" "My Speech." "Yo!" "Average American shopper!" "I do not have any money on me, but if you give me your clothes" "I'll make a sizeable donation in your name to al-Qaeda." "CROWD: (CHANTING) Hey, hey, oh, oh!" "Aladeen has got to go!" "Hey, hey, oh, oh!" "Aladeen has got to go!" "Hello." "I am Admiral General Aladeen." "I am here to deliver my speech to the United Nations." "Look, Admiral, it's too hot for crazy." "How dare you?" " Listen, Tamir is coming right now." "(SIRENS WAILING)" "You're going to be in big trouble." "Here he is." "Tamir!" "Tamir!" "Tamir, it was you, you snake!" "He's not the legitimate leader!" "CROWD: (CHANTING) He's not the legitimate leader!" "He's not the legitimate leader!" "TAMIR:" "You have rehearsed the speech I prepared for you?" "Yes." "But when is the General coming?" "He's feeling ill." "Does he have worms in his shilshul?" "Very possibly." "Admiral General Aladeen preparing to address the General Assembly of the United Nations." "An historic moment." "He's approaching the podium." "And he's walked right past the podium." "What is he doing?" "You are making a fool out of me!" "Let's bring in Denise, our U.N. correspondent." "What do you make of that?" "Well, I have to say, he's got their attention." "Every eye in the room is on him right now." "MIKE:" "And he's returning to the podium." "And he's fallen off the stage." "What do you make of that, Denise?" "You know, he's clearly implying that the U.N. must fall before him." "MIKE:" "Drinking from the pitcher of water directly, as opposed to the glass that I'm sure must be up there." "What do you think that means?" "DENISE:" "Again, it's another attempt to say," ""Listen, I'm not going to play by your rules. "" "And he seems to have a pitcher of urine out." "MIKE:" "I believe he just urinated in the pitcher." "(CROWD GASPS IN DISGUST)" " Oh!" "He is now drinking his urine." "DENISE:" "It looks to be his own urine." "Sorry." "You want?" "Trying to force it on the Israeli delegation." "That might be the ambassador." "He is dumping the urine on the Israeli delegation." "Oh, that's a good one." "Okay, he's returning to the podium." "Much has been made of the hostility between our countries." "With the help of the U.M.," "I will draft a new constitution for Wadiya and sign it in five days, on Wadiya's Independence Day." "No,no,no." "EFAWADH: (ON SCREEN) This new constitution will end the dictatorship..." "No!" "...and it will turn Wadiya into a democracy." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "No!" "Democracy?" "Never!" "Never!" "The Wadiyan people love being oppressed!" "Dictatorship forever!" "(GASPS)" "(BLOWING WHISTLE)" "Come on!" "Come with me!" "Hurry!" "Hello, person." "Person." "Black person." "MR. LAO:" "The double that you found is good." "He is almost as dumb as the real guy." "So, Wadiya will become a democracy." "China is a democracy, too. (LAUGHS)" "Once that constitution is signed," "I will be able to sell Wadiya's oil rights." "Gazprom, you will have control of Wadiya's southern oil fields." "B.P., you will control the north." "Exxon, you will have all offshore rights, provided you do not use B.P.'s drilling rigs." "And, Mr. Lao of PetroChina, you will have the lease on our shale reserves." "Some of those reserves are in densely populated areas." "Then unpopulate them." "After you've paid me my 30% finder's fee, of course." "Gentlemen." "So, you're going to make billions." "What will you do with all those dollars?" "I will buy the house on Lake Como next to George Clooney's." "I love George Clooney!" "He's an old-fashioned movie star." "He gay?" "He suck my dick?" "No, those are just rumors." "Are you a homosexual?" "No, no, no, it's more of a power trip with me." "Everybody has a price." "Tommy Lee Jones let me roll it in my fingers for two hundred grand!" "ZOEY:" "Oh, my gosh, that was so crazy!" "I am so honored to be able to help you." "Finally, somebody who knows who I am." "Yeah, of course!" "You're the Wadiyan dissident who was standing up to that asshole Aladeen." "It was so brave of you." " My name is Zoey." " I don't care." "What's yours?" "My name is Ala...son." " Allison?" " Right." "Allison." "What's your last name?" "Burgers." "Nice to meet you, Allison Burgers." " You know, I..." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Oh." "Allison, could you please take your hands off my breasts?" "Those are breasts?" "I thought you were a boy." " Where are you taking me to?" " To Brooklyn!" "So, yeah, this is my store!" "This is the Free Earth Collective." "We are a vegan, feminist, non-profit cooperative operating within an anti-racist, anti-oppressive framework for people of all or no genders." "We are a pure democracy, just like Wadiya's going to be soon!" "Get me clothes, little man." "Oh, you know what, there's some in the Earthquake Relief box in the lesbian bathroom, right there." "Right." "So, Allison, we're the only store in New York, other than that fascist superchain Green World, that sells your nation's specialty fruit, mafroom, which I know you people eat a lot of." "Oh, I hope that didn't come off like a cultural stereotype." "Because I'm, like, the furthest thing from a racist." "I pretty much haven't had a white boyfriend since high school." "Well, the darker races are less choosy." "Okay, that came off as kind of offensive." "Thank you." "Anyway, let me give you the grand tour." "Up on the roof, we have this amazing organic garden..." "Boring!" "Do you sell any assault rifles?" "Oh, wait." "I got it." "Humor." "Right?" "I took a feminist clown workshop once." "Help!" "Help!" "I'm trapped under a glass ceiling!" "What the fuck?" "I wasn't the best student, but..." "We've got this wellness center downstairs in the basement, where we do water birth." "Have you ever seen a water birth?" "Not a water birth, but I've seen a water death." "Wow." "Was it moving?" "There was actually very little movement." "A little wriggling, then two bubbles, and then a big bloop and the wallet floats up." "You seem educated." "Yes." "I went to Amherst." "I love it when women go to school." "It's like seeing a monkey on rollerskates." "It means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us." "Okay." "Well, hey, Allison, you know, we'd love to have you work here if you ever wanted to." "All of our employees are political refugees, just like you!" "There's Hannah over here." "She's from El Salvador." "She's a really useful member of our team." "Useful as what?" "A coat hanger?" "(LAUGHING)" " Come on." " Allison, that's not funny." "Okay." "I tell you what, get back to work, Captain Hook!" ""Captain Hook." It's funny." " No, it's not funny." "Who's that?" "Oh, this is Joteph." "He's from a Sudanese tribe that has no concept of money." "His entire village was ransacked." "Hey, Sub-Saharan!" "Do you think you could get me 100 child soldiers here by 5:00 p.m.?" "No!" "Okay." "Time out!" "Time out." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)" "Shave your under-the-arms!" "I dread to think what kind of jungle you have on your malawach!" "That is very inappropriate." "Don't tell me what to say and what not to say, little boy." "You need to put that finger away." "I won't put my finger away because..." "Look, I've got two fingers now." " Cw!" " Okay_" "If you do not stop using hateful language, you cannot work here." "All right." "I promise." "Okay." "(LAUGHS)" "I tricked you, Wolverina." "Justin Bieber's chubby double!" "Hairy Potter!" "Good-bye, old friend." "When will the Supreme Leader be better?" "In time." "He's resting in his bedroom and must never, ever be disturbed." "Time for bed." "Being Aladeen has its perks, does it not?" "Dropped your belt." "(EFAWADH GRUNTING)" "'(GROANS) -(GAsPs)" "What are you doing?" "She tried to milk me!" "No." "They are trying to pleasure you." "Allow the girls to use their many talents." "No!" "Supreme Leader!" "The girls!" "Girls, show him your bosoms." "(GIRL SHRIEKS)" "(SIGHS)" "(EVERYBODY HURTS PLAYING IN ARABIC)" "ALADEEN:" "Let me in!" "I have 85 rooms at this hotel!" "It's me, Admiral General Aladeenl" "I lost my beard!" "You don't got a pass, you don't get in." "But I'm staying here!" "I paid twenty dollars for the fucking Internet!" "How much do you charge for assassinations?" "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" "Why is this happening to me?" "All I ever did was steal my country's wealth and execute anybody who did not agree with me, and many who did." "Why me?" "Why is it always the good guys?" "Why?" "Nadal?" "(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Welcome to the Death to Aladeen Restaurant." "Wait." "You look very familiar." "Do I know you?" "(CHUCKLES) Sorry." "Sorry." "So sorry, Supreme Leader." "Don't worry." "I'm 50% to blame." "No!" "No!" "Supreme Leader!" "Definitely not." "I must be going." "No, no." "Stay, please." "If you hate Aladeen and you like good food, this is the place for you." "This way." "Here we go." "(LAUGHS)" "Enjoy it." "No!" "No!" "(MOOING)" "Foryou." "What is your name?" "Allison Burgers." "That's a made-up name." "What's your real name?" "Ladis." "Ladis what?" "Ladis Washerum." "So your name is like the sign." ""Ladies Washroom"?" " Ooh!" " That is a made-up name." "What is your real name?" "I am interested." "We are interested." "Emploice." "Emploice what?" "Emploice..." "Muswashans." "That is a made-up name." " Uh-uh." " Mmm-hmm." "Okay." "What is your real name?" "Max." "Max what?" "Imumoccupancyu One-hundred-and-twenty." " There's a number in the name?" " Mmm." "Who are you?" "An Aladeen sympathizer?" "No, no, no!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Okay." "No, no, no!" "(KNIFE SHARPENING)" " No!" "It's Aladeen!" "It's Aladeen without the beard!" "No!" "It's not Aladeen!" "Hasan, lock the door!" "Wait, wait, wait, no!" "There you are, cousin!" "This is my cousin." "I see you've all met him." "He's very simple and backwards." "I'm sorry." " Sorry." " WAITER:" "It's okay, sit." " Okay." " Sit and eat." "Have a seat, cousin." "WAITER:" "Very sorry." "My apologies." "Enjoy." "What are you doing here?" "And what has happened to your beard?" "I've been replaced by this body double who's a total imbecile." "How are you alive?" "How am I..." "Wait." "You don't know?" "No." "Every single person you had executed is still alive." "We all live here in Little Wadiya." "The executioner, he is a member of the Resistance!" "You mean I never executed anybody?" "No." "Like, honestly, zero people." "(SIGHS)" "Nadal, you must help me get back into power." "What?" "No." "Why would I do that?" "I have a perfectly good job here." "I'm a Mac Genius!" "Oh." "What do you do?" "Mostly, I clean semen out of laptops." "Congratulations." "Living the American dream." "Okay, fine." "I will help you." "On one condition." "Name it." "You reinstate me as Head of Nuclear Research, so I can finish building my bomb." "Deal." " Oh, one last thing." " Mmm?" "You will let me build a round nuclear weapon." "Never." "It must be pointy." " Wait a minute." "This is..." " Whoa." "Okay, compromise." "Conical." " Round." "Round." " Teat-shaped." "Okay." " Okay." "Deal." " Deal." "Ladies and gentlemen of the press, our Supreme Leader is indisposed to answer your questions as he is currently drafting Wadiya's new constitution, which is scheduled to be signed at the Lancaster Penthouse Ballroom in three days." "Thank you." "No further questions." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "There is no way we're going to get anywhere near this hotel without a security pass." "This is ridiculous." " Wait." " What are you doing?" "Hiding from that lesbian hobbit." "That woman, you know her?" "I cannot begin to tell you what an honor it is to be able to provide all of the catering..." "Well, of course." "...and the mafroom for this signing." "You just paid this month's rent!" "ALADEEN:" "She offered me a job." "Can you imagine that?" "Me?" "Working?" "Listen, hold onto that badge." "It's the only thing that'll get you past security." "Okay, thanks." "Wait a minute." "Wait, her company is catering the event." "She has a security pass!" "That is the answer." "This is the plan." "Okay?" "You will take that job and you will work for her." "I will get you an identical beard and costume." "And then on the day of the event, you enter the Lancaster as a member of her staff." "You Will find the double, switch With him, then rip up the constitution in front of the whole world." "Me?" "Work for that hairy titted yeti?" "Kimberly?" "Zoey." "Who cares?" "I've come here to apologize about some of the comments I may have made about" "Captain Hook and Blackie." "Great!" "And I accept your job offer as general manager." "Well, you can't be the manager, because I am the manager." "Well, I can if I killed you." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "I think I'm starting to get you." "All right, then..." "I will get you." "Great!" "Let's get you to work!" "Yeah?" "Hold on one second." "Hey, my man!" "Excuse me." "Hairnet!" "Yeah." "I need a little of the quinoa salad, please, and throw a couple of extra cranny-b's on top, if you could, and I kind of need you to hurry up, chief." "Chop-chop." "Next!" "Whoa, whoa!" "Occupied!" "Out." "I have to clean." "Come on, out you go, out you go." " What?" "You're hurting me!" " Out." "Come on." "Hey, Allison, can you take out the garbage?" "Thanks." "Look!" "One of the customers left a tip of some Nair and some female razors." "Does anybody want to use it?" "Stop that." "Suck it, loser." "Clean-up on aisle four!" "Hey, buddy, I saw that." "That is very disrespectful to your leader." "Whatever, dude." "Who are you," "Osama bin Laden's best friend?" "No, he is not my best friend!" "Though he has been staying in my guest house ever since they shot his double last year." "Now the guy won't leave." "I know why this guy's the most hated man in the world." "You just have to go to the bathroom after him." "You go to the bathroom after Osama, you will realize the true meaning of terrorism." "(CELL PHONE BUZZING)" "Here is the plan." "We're going to take this helicopter tour and fly over the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses." "Remember, we're just two ordinary American tourists looking at the sights." "Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect anything." "It's a great plan, pointy." "Don't do anything to arouse any suspicions." "Don't worry." "I am Wadiya's number one actor." "You don't win four Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing." "Yes, you do, because you gave them to yourself!" "My performance in Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom was outstanding." "I give it thumbs down." "Have you seen You've Got Mail Bomb?" "Yes, I've seen them all!" "They're all terrible movies!" "Listen to me." "Okay?" "You are a terrible actor." "I urge you, right now, keep your performance small and real." "All right, can you get me a cloak?" "Why?" "Because I think my guy would be wearing a cloak." "No, your guy wears an American flag sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge." "I need the sheriff's badge." "For what?" "You're sheriff of American douche-town!" "That's rude." "Listen." "We're going to walk over there, act very inconspicuous." " Okay." "No problem." " This has to work." "Don't worry." "Just relax." "Are you okay?" "My guy has a limp." "I fell off me horse at the old Bull  Bush Pub because I am a cockney." "Listen!" "Listen, okay?" "You need to focus up right now and be prepared to deliver a small, subtle performance." " Okay, great, okay." " Okay, good." "Okay." "So, when we go to fly..." "Don't do that with your eyes!" "You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay?" "I'm not chink, I'm Chinese-American!" "No, but you cannot hold your eyes!" "Nobody is going to think you're Chinese-American because you hold your eyes like that!" "It's racist, what you are doing!" "Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's?" "They pronounce them as L's." "So instead you know what "rabbit" is in Chinese?" "I don't know how to speak Chinese." " It's "labbit."" " It's not "labbit"!" "Yes!" "Who Shot Loger Labbit was a huge hit in China!" "Nobody..." "It's stup..." "All right, I don't care." "This is stupid, okay?" "Okay, I'll do Filipino." "I like to work, I like to talk." " Doni" " I like the shit, I do the kids." "Stop that." "Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese!" "Now who's being a lacist?" " You're being lacist now." " I'm not being racist!" "Right now we have to get on this helicopter and we have to act like true Americans." "I guess you don't want me to play black then." "Of course I don't want you to play black." "Okay." "Just throwing it out there." "Okay." "Don't." "Okay, don't do that." " I see what you're doing." " That's how they walk." "I see what you're doing, it's not cool." "It's how they walk." "I love being an Americans!" "America is number one!" "Oh, lam from U.S.A.!" "My father also from U.S.A." "My great-grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad." "I am very proud to be an American." "I am America's number one douche." "(BOTH SPEAKING WADIYAN)" "I've fooled them." "Job done." "So, how are things back at the Palace?" "Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?" "Ooh, Bin Laden?" "Yes, Osama." "Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers..." "And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden?" "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?" "You mean your Porsche?" "Yes... the 911." " Oh!" "911, it's the best!" "(BOTH SPEAKING WADIYAN)" "So I was driving my 911 near the palace one day... and I totally crashed!" "(IMITATES EXPLOSION)" " Oh!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "It's ok, I've already ordered a new one." "A brand new 9112012." "You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights... such as the Empire State Building... and Yankee Stadium." "And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?" "Oh, it's been terrible!" "It got so bad that I made myself a back brace." " Really?" " Yes, look, I'm still wearing it." "Hey, my English is getting good I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!" "BOTH:" "Five, four, three, two, one!" "(SCREAMS)" "(CAMERA CLICKING)" "(DOOR BUZZES)" "Allison!" "Are you okay?" "L..." "Yes." "You know what?" "You people, you make me sick!" "You see a Middle Easterner on an aircraft and you just assume that he's hatching some violent plot?" "Allison Burgers is a persecuted dissident, not a murderous madman!" "He was reported saying, "Let's take out the guards at the Lancaster."" "Guess what?" "We deliver to the Lancaster!" "Good one!" "Maybe he wanted to take the guards out for a falafel!" "That's a bit of a stereotype, but I get the idea." "Great idea!" "Yeah." "You..." "You know what?" "Is it a crime to care about your job?" "Yeah!" "Well, it is in Wadiya." "Where did you get your diversity and sensitivity training, huh?" "The Stasi?" "Let's see how you feel about racial profiling when white people... (INAUDIBLE)" "ZOEY:" "And I know what I'm talking about because I majored in Fem Lit!" "Come on." "(DOOR BUZZING)" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "Where are you going?" "Eh, don't worry!" "Just suck the fatoot of the biggest guy, you'll be fine." "You're really fucking me here, man!" "ZOEY:" "The police here are such fascists!" "ALADEEN:" "Yeah, right, and not in a good way." "It just makes me so mad!" "You know, Zoey, you were great back there." "Thanks." "I just..." "I don't know, I just feel so sorry that wherever you go in the world, you're the victim of police abuse." "Well, not always the victim." "Come here." "I'm just so sorry!" "You're okay now." "All right?" "And I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you." "You know what?" "Let's get you back to the collective, okay?" "Come on." "Mmm, no, a bit more." " C)Kay_" " Hmm?" " Come on, let's go." "I need to go to work." " I feel so sad!" "Let's do another hug, okay?" "Allison, why are you sad?" "The brutality?" "Did you suffer from sexual abuse?" "Yes, they raped me in a very unprofessional way." "(SIGHS) Oh, no." "We have to get you to the Rape Center." "You have a center for rape here?" "Great!" "I'd love to go!" "Maybe another time, you know." "Hire a limo, have some cocktails, bring my raping shoes." "(MAN NARRATING ON TV)" "Can you get me that one?" "Which one?" "The one with the "fuck-me hooves."" "You're bizzare." "I'm going to have to change the channels now." "...tour from hell for an Ohio couple earlier today when, with shades of 9/11, their helicopter tour of the Manhattan skyline was cut short by what police are now calling a "terrorism misunderstanding"" "involving a man named Emer Gencyexitonly." "Etra." "We have a problem." "Hannah, that guy from the Lancaster's coming tomorrow morning, so why don't you take the mafroom downstairs and make some sort of a nice display?" "I just want everything to be perfect." "ALADEENI Zoey?" "Allison." "Hi." "To thank you for what you did today at the police station," "I have decided to bestow upon you a gift." " That's sweet." "What is it?" " Yeah." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "I don't know what that is." "It's fine." "Please, gobble up my little mouse." "Snack on my tiny raising." "Give her a mouth bath." "Go." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "Oh!" "No!" "No, I am not going to do that." "I'm getting a lot of this and not much of this..." "Listen, I understand that you're having urges, okay?" "Right." "But you need to take care of them by yourself." "Myself?" "What?" "How?" "You need to touch yourself." "I don't touch myself." "Do you touch yourself?" "I think most healthy people do, yes." "Yeah, you touch your own malawach?" "Ugh!" "Disgusting!" "Yuck!" "(SPITS) Yuck!" "Stop joking, all right?" "You've never jerked off?" "Okay, come with me." "Where are you taking me to?" "The Rape Center?" "This is silly." "ZOEY:" "Okay, um..." "Take your penis out and put it in your hands." "ALADEENI This is silly." "Now, slowly move your hand up and down." "Okay. (GRUNTS)" "I told you already, this is..." "Wait." "What sorcery is this?" "Some people wait a lifetime" "For a moment like this" "Some people wait a lifetime" "For a moment like this" "Whoa, I can't believe it's happening to me" "Some people wait a lifetime" "For a moment like this" "I can't believe it's happening to me" "I did it!" "I just jerked it completely off!" "L did it all by myself!" " With this hand right here!" " Ew!" "I grabbed my bilbul like I was strangling a bird." "And I smacked it and I smacked it and I gave it a flick, and out came my own Iabeneh!" "Zoey?" "Zoey!" "You have changed my life!" "Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day." "Teach a man how to use his hand as a vagina, and he will shpichs for a lifetime." "Oh." "No, no." "Thank you." "Um..." "Allison, you may need to keep your voice down because..." "We've got a lot of customers." "You may want to go wash up." "Fine." "Joteph, go and hose down my Crocs." "I've done my Iabeneh all over the wellness center." "Okay." "The guy from the Lancaster is going to love this." "Okay." "Good night, Allison." "I'll see you tomorrow morning." "Good night!" "Thank you again." "This is nice." "Or lovely." "(PHONE RINGING)" " Who is it?" " Nadal." "What are you doing?" "I've discovered this amazing thing." "I have to show you how to do it." "It's called self juicing." "You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it, and then you can make your own labeneh come out." "You don't have to spend any Rolexes." "You don't have to give any dirty diamonds." "I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man." "What do you mean?" "You knew about this?" "Everybody knows about this." "We all know about this from the age of 12, 13." "Why does nobody ever tell me anything?" "Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything." "Listen, I'm thinking of revealing my true identity to the hairy titted ape woman." "Whoa!" "No, what?" "Why would you even do that?" "I think she'll be cool with it." "She will not be cool with it." "How is she to judge?" "She shaves her armpits once a year, and she takes lovers outside of her ethnic group." "Are my crimes any worse than hers?" "Remember, you hate her." "And everything she stands for." " Okay." " I have to go now." "I despise you." "You know, sometimes you say some very hurtful things." "Anyway, I'm going to hang up on you." "No, come on." "This is like a real opportunity for me." "I want to hang up first." "I've hung up." "I hung up already." "(ALADEEN MIMICS DIAL TONE SOUNDING)" "That is your voice doing that noise." "You have not hung up." "I am hanging up." "Click..." "(MIMICS DIAL TONE SOUNDING)" "Nadal, are you still there?" "(SILENCE)" " Nadal, are you still there?" " I win." "(GROANS) No wonder you're a Mac Genius." "What a fucking idiot." "(CLATTERING)" "Zoey!" "Zoey!" "Zoey." "Zoey?" "Etra." " Etra..." "(GRUNTS)" "(WHIMPERS)" "Etra, is this because you're the only virgin guard that I left a virgin?" "(SCREAMS)" "(PANTING)" "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMING FRIGHTFULLY)" "(GRUNTS)" "One, two..." "Bloop." "Text book." "Thank you so much for meeting me early, Mr. Ogden." "I cannot wait for you to sample our mafroom." "You are gonna swear that you're in Wadiya." "Excuse me." "What is that over there?" "That is a "C" in your window." "No, no, no..." "They're totally biased against this." "They hate us." "No, it's not." "I know what a "C" means." "It's not a very good..." "Ugh." "Oh, my God!" "Allison, what happened?" "Uh..." "I don't know, I..." "I was downstairs self juicing." "All night?" " Yes." "(EXHALES)" "I'm sorry, you were doing what?" "Doing the jerk off." "Jerking myself to totally off." " I'm sorry?" " Let me show you." " ZOEY:" "No." " She taught me." "Oh, she taught you, did she?" " No..." " Well, thank you very much." "The contract is canceled." " That's it!" " No." "No, I'm going to Green World." "It's over." " No, Mr. Ogden." " Remember, I have to pay that..." " Please, no, no." " Self juicing." "Filth!" "Oh, my God..." "Zoey..." "We must get that contract back." "We can't!" "It's impossible." "We can't compete with Green World." "We will see about that." "But from now on, it is my way or the highwahahtmaa- fferrohshelechnichwa y." "There has been a regime change!" "Yo!" "You are stocking the shelves." "You, senile Romanian accountant." "You are on the cash register." "The CEO of Green World does not drive a hybrid!" "The chemicals in Green World produce made this boy grow tits!" "You promise not to steal again?" "I won't." "I won't!" "Give him one more for fun, Viktor." "(SCREAMS)" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Good choice." "(MUFFLED CRIES OF RELIEF)" "ZOEYI Hi, Viktor." "(GASPS)" "(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)" " Supreme Grocer." " Hmm?" "The radicchio has been washed and sorted, and the spray hose has been tightly coiled." "Very good." "Now go upstairs and finish composting the wheatgrass tailings, okay?" " Yes, Supreme Grocer." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "(AMAZED LAUGH)" "Zoey!" "(LAUGHS) What?" "Look..." "Wow!" "It's amazing!" "Oh, it's not amazing." "It's just a little less shit." "(SIGHS) Well, thank you." "(CELL PHONE PLAYING FUNKYTOWN)" " Sorry." " Oh, of course." " Personal." " Thank you." "Thank you again." " Hello?" " I have some very good news." "What is it?" "I managed to buy some beards at the wig store today that are perfect." "No, Nadal, it must be real hair." " And from the head of a great man!" " What?" "Like Castro or Gandalf." "No... (SIGHS)" "ALADEEN:" "Well done, Nadal." "This beard is perfect." "Those are lovely flowers." "You know, Zoey is thinking of opening an eco-friendly flower section to the store." "This is the fifth time you've mentioned her today." "What is going on?" "The signing is in two days." "Tell me you're not falling for this woman!" "Of course I'm not." "This is silly." "Okay, good." "All we need to do is slip into this chapel..." "And yet, it's strange." "The other day, I asked her to, you know, gobble on my bilbul and she said, "No."" "So obviously I wanted to execute her." "But the thought of her decapitated head actually upset me," "so I decided not to do it." " No." "When the thought of someone's decapitated head upsets you," "(SIGHS) that is love." " I swear, I don't even like her at all." " You don't like her?" "She has the body shape of a 14-year-old boy." "Well, that is a particular weakness of yours." "Need I remind you of the Menudo incident?" "Those boys had their eyes open." "They knew exactly what they were doing." "We made them have their eyes open." "You made me hold one of their eyes open, so they'd see what you were doing to them." "They seemed to be having a pretty good time." "They were not." "Those boys were crying." "Three of them killed themselves!" "Nothing to do with me." "Everything to do with you!" "A lot of them wrote notes." "In their suicide notes they named you by name!" "It's all a rumor." "And you're being silly." "Hello, gentlemen." "How you doin'?" "Are you guys friends of the deceased?" "Uh..." "How do I put this?" "He was my nigger." "No, that's not the way to put it." " Whoa, whoa!" " No?" "He was my negger." "Nigger." "Nagger?" " No, no, no." " What is that?" " Negar." "Nigger?" "Nagur?" " No, no." "Please stop." "Please." "I told you, before we came in." "One word, do not say." "ls the exact word you're using now." " No, I said Nuga..." " One dozen times." "Please relate to him that there could be two funerals today." "I..." "Believe me when I tell you, we are here only to pay our respects to a great man." "Okay, Eldridge's casket is laying in the chapel right now." "We're gonna have the viewing in a few minutes." "Thank you very much." "I love your music, by the way." "No, it's not." "He's not a musician." "I'm so, so sorry that Whitney turned out like she did." " It's not Bobby Brown." " Hey..." " Go there." " Okay." "Here we go." "USHER:" "Hello?" "Somebody in here?" "NadaH The Sub-Saharans have discovered us!" " What?" "Okay, okay, okay!" " ALADEEN:" "Hurry, hurry!" " Just a moment!" " What you doin' in there?" "Um..." "Jerking off." "Open this door!" " ALADEEN:" "No, no, no!" " Open the door now!" "Quick!" "Plan B!" "Plan B!" "(ACTION MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Why did you chop off his head?" "You said Plan B!" "Plan B was to have coffee and regroup, it was not to chop his head off!" "ALADEEN: (IN DEEP VOICE) Good morning, Nadal!" "Wake up!" "Good morning, Nadal!" "(SCREAMING)" "(LAUGHS)" " NADAL:" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "Get this away from me!" "You know, me and you are quite a team." "No, no." "You know who else makes a great team?" "(SINGING) Ebony and ivory" "(SHRIEKS) No, no, no!" "Live together in perfect harmony" "What is wrong with you?" "Get it out of here!" "(LAUGHS) Good one." "(SINGING) Splish splash I was taking a bath!" "(SCREAMING)" "No!" "Get it out of here!" "Oh, that is weird." "I threw in some carob-covered goji berries, just as a treat." "Enjoy." "Thank you." "That's very kind of you." "You're a very nice man." "What the fuck did you call me?" "I said you were nice!" "Allison!" "The Lancasterjust called!" "We got the contract back!" " Great!" "Whatever!" "(LAUGHS)" " I know!" "Green World is shutting down their Manhattan store!" "I wonder what could have happened?" "Be careful with that, sweetheart." "Be careful." "Oh, yeah, we're going to have a nice big salad. (SCREAMS)" "Celebratory cuddle?" " Oh." " Mmm..." " Ooh, well done!" " Oh!" " Ooh, you smell bad." " I know." "MAN:" "Help!" "Somebody help!" "My wife is in labor!" "Ch, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Baby?" "The ambulance can't be here for 20 minutes." "Can you hold it?" "I can't hold it!" "It's coming out!" "It's coming out!" "Does anyone have any medical experience?" "I was Wadiya's Chief Surgeon for the last 22 years." "Please." "Please help us." "Please." " Allison, they need your help." "Come on." " Okay, fine." "Come on." "Are you okay?" "(WHINING)" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What are you doing?" "Sorry!" "Old habits die hard." "All right, I'm going in." "(SCREAMING)" "That's the wrong hole!" " What?" " You just put your fist up the wrong hole." "If I had a dollar for every time I heard that." "(CHUCKLES)" "Get it outta there." " Going in again." " Okay, good. (SCREAMING)" "Still my asshole!" "What is wrong with you, man?" "You just put it in my asshole again!" "Just go up from where you are." "The good news is, your prostate is completely healthy." "(SOBS)" " That's good." "That's good." " Going in again." " WOMAN:" "Okay, good." "(GRUNTING)" "(EXHALES LOUDLY)" "(CELL PHONE BUZZING)" "Hold on." "What are you... (WOMAN GRUNTING)" "Allison, stop it!" "You need two hands!" "But I'm in the middle of the text." "(SCREAMING) It's coming out!" "(SQUEALS)" "(CELL PHONE PLAYING FUNKYTOWN)" " Where is that coming from?" " What?" "I'm really sorry." "I'm gonna have to take this call." "Is there a phone in my body?" "NADAL: (ON PHONE) What are you doing?" "Uh, I'm in the Lincoln Tunnel." "What?" "Okay, look." "We need to talk for a minute." "Hello, Nadal." "Listen, I can't speak now." "I'll speak to you later, okay?" "Bye!" "Stop talking to my vagina!" "Zoey, the baby's stuck." "I need you to put your hand in and help me." " What?" "No..." " Come on!" "Put it in!" " No, don't be scared." "Put it in." " Okay." "Okay." " I'm sorry." " Put it right there on the right side." " Oh, my gosh." "Oh, my gosh!" " Pushin." "(GASPS)" "I think I feel an arm!" "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" "That's my finger." "Excuse me." "You guys make a really cute couple together." "But maybe could you finish doing this when you're not elbow-deep in my pussy!" "Okay, Allison, you've got the head?" " I've got the head." " Okay, it's coming out." "Come on, push!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Where are the rebel bases?" "Where are the rebel bases?" "Sorry, SQFFY" "Wait, I can see the head!" "I can see the head!" "WOMAN:" "I can't push anymore!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "You did it!" "You did it!" "(CRYING)" "I sentence you to life." "(PAIN FU L SCREAMS)" "It's still attached!" "Oh!" "Sorry." "Oh, no." " What's wrong?" " I'm sorry." "It's bad news." "It's a girl." "Where's the trash can?" "No, no, no, no!" "That's what we wanted!" "We'll take her, we'll take her." "Oh, baby." "ZOEY:" "You were so amazing down there." "You saved a little person's life." "VVhoo!" "(MOANS)" "It feels so nice to kiss you." "I know." "It's nice to kiss you, too." "I love the hugging." "I just came." "(LAUGHS)" "I don't care." "Lie back." "Okay." "This is going to be amazing for you." "Okay!" "(LET'S GET IT ON PLAYING IN ARABIC)" "(LAUGHS)" " You have such a small stomach." "It's like a 10-year-old boy's." "Oh..." "Normally, I don't kiss a 10-year-old boy's stomach. (LAUGHS)" "They kiss mine." "See you in 15 minutes." "(GASPS)" "Okay." "(ZOEY MOANING)" "Wait, wait." "Wait." "Allison, before we go any further, there's something that I want to tell you." "You've got a dick." "I knew it." "Allison, I don't have a dick." "Great!" "And I've never been with a guy with a dick." "Or any guy." "Or boys." "Just girls." "And children." "Not male ones." "Female ones." "Okay." "What I wanted to tell you was this." "I really want to be with you, Allison Burgers." "Zoey," "I'm not really Allison Burgers." "I'm actually a little somebody called" "Admiral General" "Aladeen." "(SCOFFS)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "No, what's your real name?" "Wait, this will convince you." "Look, it's me!" "The weapons inspectors will bathe in their own blood!" "(LAUGHS)" "That's your beard?" "No, no, no!" "It's not my beard." "My friend chopped the head off Morgan Freeman." "It's a hilarious story." "I'll tell you later, okay?" "You are out of your mind." "You're insane!" "Well, you download songs illegally from the Internet." "So let's not throw stones, okay?" "You're a murderer!" "No, no, no!" "Zoey, Zoey, Zoey!" "No." "You were just using me to get access to that hotel!" "No!" "Zoey, I'm attracted to you in a really fucked-up way." "Oh, my God!" "I'm canceling that contract tomorrow!" "No, Zoey!" "What have I ever done wrong?" "You lied to me!" "And you're wanted for war crimes!" "That stuff never sticks." "You need to leave now." "You have broken my heart into Aladeen pieces." "(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)" "ANCHORMAN:" "With the signing of the constitution tomorrow morning, democracy in Wadiya is just hours away, and people are in the streets celebrating." "CROWD: (CHANTING) Kill Aladeen, kill Aladeen, hey!" "Kill Aladeen, kill Aladeen, hey!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "REPORTER:" "What do you think of Admiral General Aladeen?" "We hate him." "We hate him." "You know, when we think of him, we..." "(MIMICS VOMITING)" "We vomit, and we spit and we don't want him." "What would you say to General Aladeen if he were watching this?" "I have a message for Aladeen." "Sue vel." "ALL: (CHANTING) Suevel." "Suevel." " Good-bye!" " NADAL:" "Stop, stop, wait!" "What are you doing?" "How did you find me?" "You texted me, like, seven times." "I am executing myself!" "What?" "Why?" "Because no one has ever loved me!" "Your father would be ashamed of you!" "No, I've realized I don't want to be like my father!" "In fact, I don't want to be a dictator anymore!" "What's that now?" "I've been on a spiritual journey, man, like Eat, Pray, Love." "Have you gone insane?" "I now know that on the outside," "I am a bit of a cocksucker." " Yeah." " But deep down I'm nice." " Not really." " Yes, I am!" "I'm like mafroom." "Hard and spiky on the outside, but soft and really mushy on the in." "You're not like mafroom at all." "You're like an onion." "An outer layer of cocksucker, and when you peel it away, there is 10 more layers of cocksucker underneath." "You are such a schmuck!" " Why are you speaking Yiddish?" " I picked it up." "What do you mean, "I picked it up"?" "Who picks up Yiddish?" "I'm in New York!" "We're trying to erase that country off the map!" "I don't like the people, but I like the way that their words really sound like what they're meant to be." "Oh, I'm sorry!" "Did I not get the Evite to your bar mitzvah?" "Oh, my God!" "You've got real chutzpah saying that!" "Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh?" "Standing on the edge of a bridge about to commit suicide?" "Still wearing Crocs?" "What's wrong with Crocs?" "They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope!" "You might as well put sweatpants on and go to Applebee's for the rest of your life!" "I'll give you that one." "I do look ridiculous." "Yes!" "Listen, if you won't come down from there for yourself, do it for your country." "If this constitution is signed, there will be free press, women drivers, civil rights!" "What are "civil rights"?" "I'll tell you later." "They're hilarious." "Look, you alone can stop these terrible things from happening." "You are the last great dictator!" "All of the others are gone!" "Qaddafi," "Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney." "You are right, Nadal." "I will become the greatest dictator of all, the envy of madmen everywhere!" "Yes, Supreme Leader!" "From the mountaintops of North Korea to the jungles of Zimbabwe, let every child laborer and sweatshop factory worker sing," ""Oppressed at last!" "Oppressed at last!" ""Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!"" "Yes!" "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What are you doing?" " No, no, no, no, don't fall." " I'm not doing anything." "Just do like a pull-up." "You know how you do pull-ups?" "I invented the pull-up." "MIKE:" "If you're just joining us, we are at the Lancaster Hotel, where in about 20 minutes," "General Aladeen will be signing the new Wadiyan constitution." "Dignitaries from around the world are arriving now to witness the creation of a democracy that will undoubtedly change the political landscape of the entire region." "As Wadiya goes, so goes North Africa." "(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Eh, Eddie Norton, next time, you pee on me." "Whatever." "And tell Viggo Mortensen he is on my radar." "How do you say, "Fly is in the soup"?" "Ah, gentlemen, Tamir." "Let me introduce you to my beautiful wife." "Mrs. Lao, it is my very great pleasure." "No,no,no,no." "She does not speak English." " Oh." " Watch this." "You ugly horse!" "(LAUGHS)" "She doesn't know." ""Ohhh." See?" "She goes "Ohhh" all the time." "Watch." "Shaved ape." ""Ohhh."" "Wait." "That is how you intend to get me across to the Lancaster?" "Absolutely." " Where'd you get that?" " I built it." "When I was going to assassinate you." "You mean my double." "Um..." "Sure." "Yeah." "(BLEATS)" "Ha-ha!" "Bingo!" "(BOTH CHANTING TRIUMPHANTLY)" "Loveiﬂ" " Here's what you do." " Okay." "Zipline across, kill the double, and then rip up the constitution in front of the world's media." "Piece of cake." "(SCREAMING)" "Hello, Lancaster!" "I don't understand what has happened." "My calculations were very precise." "If you lose enough weight, then the zipline will work." "Do you have anything in your pockets?" "Uh, let me check." "What is that?" "It's Vita Coco water." "Why do you have Vita Coco water?" "Because it has as much potassium as three bananas." "The line is still too heavy." "Is there anything else in your pockets that could be weighing you down?" "Oh, you're kidding." "So then why did you bring three bananas?" "Because I don't trust the advertising." "I'm naturally suspicious." "Is there anything else you're carrying?" "You're still too heavy." "Just this." "What is that, a brick?" "All this time you've had a brick?" "Why do you have that?" "Well, to balance out the weight from the other one." "You have two bricks?" "Yes!" "Throw them down immediately!" "Ow." "Oh, my God!" "There's a little goat eating the wire!" "You need to lose weight immediately!" "My pockets are empty." "I could poo." "That won't be enough to make a difference." "Yes, it will." "I haven't gone since Wadiya." "Losing power has stopped me up like a cork." "NADALI Hurry!" "Come on, Supreme Leader!" "Make it rain!" "Make it rain!" "(DEFECATING)" "It's out!" "And it's pointy!" "Somebody stop that man!" "Yes!" "What?" "No, no, no, no!" " No, no, no!" "(SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GRUNTING)" "Supreme Leader!" "Get out of here before Tamir kills you." "Who is Tamir?" "(STAMMERS) Tamir..." "The bald bastard who did all these terrible things to us!" "I thought his name was Dennis." "How would you even make that leap?" "Tamir to Dennis?" " Go on, get out!" "Get out!" " Come on, Montzi!" "Quick!" "Just jump." "It's not that far." "Efawad h" "It is almost time." "I like goats." "I am very stupid." "MIKE:" "This is an historic moment." "Admiral General Aladeen of Wadiya is going to be signing the first democratic constitution in the history of his nation." "Across the globe, people are glued to their television sets." "DENISE:" "The people of Wadiya are celebrating what will be a new chapter in their country." "MIKE:" "Just moments away now from putting his signature on the first democratic constitution." "DENISE:" "That's Tamir Mafraad, AIadeen's trusted advisor, sharing a lighthearted moment with Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao." "Any thoughts on what they might be saying, Mike?" "I thought I made out the words "Harvey Keitel."" "Hmm." "MIKE:" "Don't know what that meant." "Maybe they shared a hot dog together, I'm thinking?" "That would make sense." "He's wiping the mustard off his face and chest." "Excuse me!" "You have to let me in." "You don't understand." "He's trying to stop the signing!" "Tamir is now speaking." "Today, we begin a new era." "Wadiya will be open to the world." "Open to the future." "And open for business." "The document is ready to be signed, Supreme Leader." "What are you doing?" "This man is an imposter!" "No!" "This traitor tried to kill me and had my beard removed!" " Look!" " AUDIENCE:" "Oh!" "Arrest the viper Tamir!" "MIKE:" "And now in another amazing turn of events, Tamir Mafraad is being taken away." "This constitution is nothing but a license for oil companies and foreign interests to destroy my beloved Wadiya!" "Wadiya will remain a dictatorship!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR)" "(ALL BOOING)" "(LAUGHS) Whoo!" "Oh, be quiet." "Why are you guys so anti dictators?" "Imagine if America was a dictatorship." "You could let 1% of the people have all the nation's wealth." "You could help your rich friends get richer by cutting their taxes and bailing them out when they gamble and lose." "You could ignore the needs of the poor for health care and education." "Your media would appear free but would secretly be controlled by one person and his family." "You could wiretap phones, you could torture foreign prisoners." "You could have rigged elections." "You could lie about why you go to war." "You could fill your prisons with one particular racial group and no one would complain!" "You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests." "I know this is hard for you Americans to imagine, but please try." "I will tell you what democracy is!" "Democracy is the worst!" "Endless talking and listening to every stupid opinion!" "And everybody's vote counts, no matter how crippled or black or female they are." "Democracy..." "Democracy has hairy armpits and could lose five pounds." "Democracy looks like a midget in a chemo wig." "Democracy, your mother called the other day and I forgot to give you the message." "It was something very important about your grandmother." "Democracy kisses you because she wants to, not because her father is in the next room chained to a radiator with electrodes attached to his nipples." "Democracy is flawed!" "She is not perfect!" "But democracy," "I love you." "And that is why I call for real democracy!" "A real constitution!" "And real elections in Wadiya!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Oh, no!" "Come on!" "Democracy, I will make you one of my wives." "Okay, only wife." "We'll vote on it." "I'll shave my armpits for you." "Praise be to the Creator!" "And please stop using that organic deodorant." "You could gas the Kurds with that stench." "(ALL GASPING)" "You died protecting me, Efawadh." "Hello!" "You are alive?" "Of course!" "It is my job to be shot in the head." " Is he okay?" " He's fine." "Luckily the bullet hit him in the brain." "Oh." "So, um, what now?" "I return to Wadiya to participate in fair elections." "(LAUGHS)" "(GREETS IN WADIYAN)" "Let's now look back at the wonderful events of the past year." "After Wadiya's first free elections," "President Prime Minister Admiral General Aladeen won 98.8% of the vote." "But the big story today is the marriage of President Prime Minister" "Admiral General Aladeen and his new bride, Zoey." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "Are you okay, my love?" "What did you step on?" "Oh, yes!" "No, no." "It's my people's tradition." "We always smash a glass at weddings." " I'm Jewish!" " What?" "Maze!" "to v!" "Are you okay?" "That's fine." "I don't mind." "It's great!" "Come here, my love." "Jachnoon, President Prime Minister Aladeen." "Jachnoon." "Nadal." "I have to be back at the palace in an hour." "Zoey thinks I'm at yoga." "I have great news." "We are just days away from testing the new missiles." "I have re-engineered the oxidizing ducts and the payload delivery systems." "But you'll be happy to know, the missile is now pointy!" "Who cares if it's pointy?" "What?" "You do." "You care if it's pointy." "Why would I care about such a trivial detail?" "Are you serious?" "Are you serious right now?" "(CHUCKLING) Of course I'm serious." "That's why you had me executed!" "The shape of the missile has nothing to do with the payload delivery." "That's what I said!" "That's what I said the first time!" "No, that's what I said, and you went crazy." "No!" "You said Professor Popeye this..." "Professor Popeye is a cartoon." "No, I know this!" "So, we, um, we're opening 300 Women's Centers, but I'm going to have to take a break for a little bit because" "I'm pregnant." "What?" "(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)" "Are you having a boy or an abortion?" "(ILA NZOUR NEBRA PLAYING)" "(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)" "Hello, gentlemen." "How you doin'?" "Are you guys friends of the deceased?" "Do you want me to say this in front of his widow?" "I was his lover." "No." "That is not true." "I saw him perform with the Globetrotters." "I thought he was outstanding." "I befriended him." "No, it's a different person." "His message of don't worry and being happy was so powerful." "No, this is Bobby McFerrin." "I told you this outside." "Whatever the scandal you went through, you're still the best golfer in the world." "Let's go." "O-M-G." "Oh, my God." "(SPEAKS MOCK ARABIC)" "Oh, my... (SPEAKS MOCK ARABIC)" "Oh, my... (SPEAKS MOCK ARABIC)" "(MOANS)" "Zoey." "NADAL:" "Mmm-mmm!" "That's some good head!" "(LAUGHS)" "That is called payback and it feels so good!" "How did it feel for you?" "How did it feel for you?" "I prefer it with goats." "Where is the Supreme Leader?" "No, no." "Now that is called payback!" "(ALADEEN LAUGHING)" " Oh, great!" "(WHISTLING)" "(SNICKERS) Don't touch it." "Don't touch it." "You don't have to touch it." "Sorry." "I was..." "Just give us..." "We don't..." "Just give me a couple of millimeters to myself." "(THE NEXT EPISODE PLAYING IN ARABIC)" "(THE SONG OF ADMIRAL GENERAL SERGEANTALADEEN PLAYING)" "(MONEY'S 0/v THE DRESSER PLAYING)"