"(Man) Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!" "(# Jaunty tune)" " Well, when did you hear?" " Just this morning." "What's that, then?" "Phil." "Shot dead in Florida." "(Manic laugh)" "Oh, come on." "Know why I tend graves?" "Cos it's pussy on a stick." "Lot of funerals in graveyards." "And if you see a sheila at a funeral, chances are she's single or at the very least, confused." "The ladies are all wearing black which is very slimming, and can make even a hefty moose look like a randy swan." "Of course, in these kinds of situations, subtlety is key." "Keep your head down, look concerned, then pounce." "If you play your cards right, a comforting hug can soon turn into a grope." "The interior of the church will often be left unattended." "So it's easy to steal in there for a crafty shafty." "One word of caution, though." "Do try and take other people's feelings into account." "Other than that, give it a go." "What have you got to lose?" "(Shop bell)" " Do you do poison?" " No, sir, just cakes." " This is a pâtisserie, sir." " How many cakes could a human being eat?" "I don't know." "Depends how hungry they are." "Very hungry." "Really very hungry indeed." " I suppose, maybe five little ones?" " What if you make them eat more?" "Like, by force?" "What if you make them eat six really big cakes?" " Could they burst?" "Could a cake hurt a person?" " Er..." "I never..." " Is a baguette harder than a skull?" " No." "What would happen if you hammered a baguette down someone's throat with a flan?" " Could it puncture a lung?" " Erm..." "I've never really, erm..." " Do you do gingerbread men?" " Yes." "What's the biggest gingerbread person you could bake?" " One that was life-size?" "That looked like this?" " I..." "How much sugar does it take to rot a person's teeth?" "Totally." "So they can't be identified by dental records?" "Quite a lot, I should think." "Would you like an apple turnover?" " Oh, cheeky." "Is it poisoned?" " No." " How hot's that coffee?" " Piping, sir." "Good idea." "I'll smash her bloody brains out." "(Bell)" " (Shouting)" " Will you be quiet, please, Year Six?" "We have a long journey ahead of us." "I have no intention of putting up with this racket." "(Shouting and laughing)" "Sit down, don't touch the vent nozzles, or you can get off." "(Shouting and laughing continue)" "Shut it!" "Thanks, mate." "You wanna have my job?" "(Laughs)" " So, what do you teach?" " English." "Oh, English?" "Right." "What?" "Authors?" "I know a good story about an author." "You heard of Milton?" " John Milton, yeah." " The 16..." "No, 17th-century writer." "Well, he was blind, as you know." "But what a lot of people don't know is that he used to get sexual favours off his friend's wife, cos she felt sorry for him." "So he'd be sitting there, writing his poem, and she'd be, er...giving him a wank." " Er, really?" " Absolutely true." " (Both) Eureka!" " Which is philosophy for "hiya!"" "You're watching BBC A level Funsize No Turning Back Choice and this is the Philosophy Zone!" "But, first of all, our philosophy is, don't panic!" "So don't!" "Help is at hand." "Now, philosophy is the study of why stuff is like what it is, and what other people have thought about why stuff is like it is." "Philosophy was "invented" by the Greeks." "That's not the Greeks you meet when you go on holiday there, but the ancient Greeks, who were older and better and mainly gay, which, we think, is why they died out." "But, before they died out, they found the solution to everything, except photocopying, which is probably why most of it..." " ...apart from a few old plays..." " ...got burned." "Philosophy is still very much alive today, and is particularly healthy in the hands of such modern-day thinkers as Eric Cantona and Rob Newman." "So, let's see how these facts could help you in a typical A level question." ""You've got to laugh, haven't you?"" "Discuss, with reference to Plato, Nietzsche and Wittgenstein." "(Woman) Handy hint." "Plato, Nietzsche and Wittgenstein were all philosophers." "So don't panic." "You're in good company." "(Man) Secondly, try not to write anything along the lines of:" "If you can persuade the examiners that it doesn't do your head in, they'll probably give you an A." "(Woman) In your final paragraph, remember to:" "(Both) Eureka!" "Mmmm!" "(Animals squeaking)" "(Dog barks)" "Say, that beagle's a fighter, isn't he?" "So, how to find a cure for cancer." "How's little Timmy coming along, Chester?" "Well, he's not looking too clever, Wilf." "But then, remember, he has got cancer." "Well, he ought to have cancer, the number of fags he's smoked." "Yup." "He's been chuffing away, 20 a day for the past week, which is the equivalent, for a large man, of having smoked all of the fags in the entire world." "The sad thing is, he's still smoking." "You'd think he'd have the sense to quit." "No." "We're just gonna have to use him to try and find a cure for cancer." "Now, Wilf, you were wondering whether or not batting him across this table-tennis table might do the trick." "Well, Chester, I was thinking that it might be a cure for cancer, and, do you know, we'll never find out that it isn't until we've done it to him." "Shall I serve?" "(Squeaking)" "Hello." "I want to kill my wife." "I mean, do you do lilos?" "No, sir, just poison, this is a poison shop, sir." "Now I'm confused." "No, I don't know, why do women have legs?" "Cos otherwise, they'd leave a trail like slugs." "Eh?" "You like that one, do you?" "Do you like that?" "I've got loads." "Here's one." "What do you call a lesbian with a club foot?" " What do you call what, sorry?" " What do you call a lesbian with a club foot?" "Hang on, I'll tell your kids." "Oi, kids!" "What do you call a lesbian with a club foot?" "(Stage whisper) I hope he doesn't find the jewels in the shoe box in the cupboard upstairs behind the fan heater." " Gee, it's so sunny!" " Yeah!" "We can go swimming!" " Or surfing!" " Yeah!" "I don't really feel like surfing." " Gee, what's the matter, Pixel Guy?" " I don't feel like it, that's all." "Oh, come on, Pixel Guy." "You'll love it once you get in." "Surfing's groovy." "Actually, I don't think it is that groovy." "Hey, Pixel Guy, you're cool but you're so standoffish." " Sorry." " Hey, listen." "You don't have to put your head under the water." " What?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing." " Well, come on, everyone." " OK!" "Hey!" "So the doctor says to the poof, "I know, mate." ""But at least it'll show you what your arse is for!"" "(Laughter)" "Yeah." "Your teacher liked that one." "Now, Chester." "Did you ever see a worse case of self-indulgence in a mouse than this?" "Never, Wilf." "No, once." "But apart from that, little Michael here has to be the most self-indulgent mouse in the scientific community." "What did you do to cure the first one?" "Well, pretty much the same as what we're trying here, but I can't for the life of me remember whether it worked." "Well, give it another go, that's what I say." "Imagine how grateful the world will be if we find a cure for self-indulgence." "Off you go, then." "(Both) Mm." "I do remember now." "No, it didn't work." "Aaaagh!" "Yeah, you were right, Gary." " It's stolen." " It is stolen, yeah." " Yeah." " I thought that." "If..." "If I can just explain." "What he's done is, he's not bought that car but he's driving it." "He's driving it even though he's..." "he's not bought it." "See, it's..." "He's driving it without the knowledge or permission of..." " He stole it." " He stole it." "Yeah." "He stole it." "But it's even more complicated than that, because what he's done is, he's...he's taken..." "Right, you see that number plate on that car?" "That...that's not on that car." "See, it's not on it, because..." "Well, I mean, it's on it, but it doesn't belong it." "Doesn't belong...on it." "Because what he's done is, he's taken that plate off another..." " Car." " Vehicle." "Car!" "Yeah, car." "So..." "Yeah." "What he's done is, he's done that, and he's put that on his F-reg Bluebird." "Except I can tell it's not an F-reg, it's, er...a D-reg, cos it's a different model." "D. Or E." "Have they stopped making Topic?" "(Whooping and laughing)" "Surfing was great, Pixel Guy." "You should have come." " I'm glad you enjoyed it." " Hey, Pixel Guy." " What are you eating?" " Choc-ice." " Oh!" "Cool!" " Ah!" "Hey, hey, Pixel Guy, I think you got some choc-ice on your, uh..." " Um..." " What?" " Oh." " Nothing." "Nothing." "Oh, Jeremy, could I talk to you about..." "Oh, you've got something on..." "All very well in the playground, but as a senior manager," "I am what I wear." "Now, the situation as it stands is..." " He's onto us." " He's onto us." "Yeah." "And we're onto him." "And because he knows that, that's why he's driving away." "And because we know that, that's why we're driving towards." " You know, motion towards." " Takes the accusative." "Yeah." "You see, what he's done is, he's taken his car..." "Well, it's not his car, it's..." " Whose car is it?" " We don't know." "Right." "We don't know whose car it is." "Forget that, it's complicated enough." "But he's taken the theft...the car, belonging to...the other people..." " The innocent victims." " The children." "Yeah." "Cos it's always the children who suffer in these cases." "They're the victims." "He's taken the children's car..." "What a children is doing with a car, I don't know." "You know, I mean, that's not our job, that'll be decided by MPs and religious leaders." " Fatwa." " Yeah." "But he's... he's taken that car and it's himself he's letting down in the end, because, you know, at this rate, he's gonna crash and die and be dead, maybe." "Whereas, you know, what he's done, with the theftery, the swap-plate swap, the...the car, the stolen, you know, it all adds up to at most, at most, go to prison." "But..." "But not death." " Not in this country." " In the Middle Ages." "In the Middle Ages, yeah." "Gibbets." "But not now." "Well, yes, now, but ideally... not." "I think Starburst's a better name." "Well, you surprise me, Joe." "I was saying to Daisy here, I wouldn't have had you down as a ballet man." "Surprise you?" "Do I really?" "Oh, no." "No!" "I love them all." "Them all." "I mean, I love the Straminsky, and the Tchaikinsky, and the Jaminsky, and the, erm... the, er..." "Rigoleggo, that's it, the Rigoleggo, and the big fat women in armour with the helmets and the horns." " Oh, boy, do I love bah-llet." " Oh, do you like opera?" "Oh, sure, sure." "Yeah, I love to see a man jumping about in a pair of stockings and a woman dressed like a big..." "big, er, duck." "That's it, they look like ducks." "I mean, if a man wants to jump about in a pair of tights, revealing his private parts to the world, that's his concern and nobody else's." "It's not perverted or disgusting, who says this?" "If a man wants to dance like a big girl, that's his business, that's not perversion, that's..." "That's democracy." "Oh, boy, do I love bah-llet." "Do you, erm..." "Do you go often?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure, sure." "I go, er, maybe, erm, two, three times a day, sometimes." "Some people think it's silly or stupid." "Not me." "I say, if people want to have fun, let 'em." "Let 'em, I say." "Boy, do I love bah-llet." "Hm." "Lot of poofs in this queue, aren't there?" "Hello, and welcome to Outdoor Wee." "This week, I'm joined by singer-songwriter Martin Kitchen." " Martin, hi." " Good to see you." "After you." "(Unzipping)" "So, Martin, tell me." "Why are we here?" "Well, this is the bandstand in Victoria Park in Marlow in Buckinghamshire." "And this is where I used to come and watch my grandfather play the French horn." "Uh-huh." "And was it him that partly inspired you to become a musician?" "Er, yeah, in part, but also, erm..." "Sorry, I'm finding it a bit difficult to go." "Yeah, I had noticed that, actually, Martin." "Erm, don't worry, that happens all the time here on Outdoor Wee." " Erm, just relax." "Mind if I carry on?" " No, no." "OK." "So it was partly him that inspired you and partly, of course, the music scene in the '70s when you grew up." "W..." "Yeah, I mean, that...that was important, erm, because..." "Sorry, I..." "I really feel a bit silly." "Am I..." "Erm...am I putting you off?" "No, really." "Erm..." "Oooh." "There, I've finished now." "So, what were your main influences at the time?" "Well, erm, I guess that would be, erm..." "Sorry, do you mind if I put my penis away?" "I don't feel very comfortable." "Make an effort." "(Sighs)" "Hey, Pixel Guy!" "Look!" "That girl's staring at you." "I think she really likes you." " Why's that, then?" " Well, you know." "She's kind of looking at you." "I think you should go talk to her." " Oh, yeah?" "Why's that, then?" " Er...well..." " Come on, let's have it." " Oh, you know because she..." "It's the pixels, isn't it, Tina?" "Oh, yeah, it's all just, "Oh, look, there's another pixel person." ""Let's get them together, they'll really fancy each other."" " You make me sick." " Hey, Pixel Guy, chill out." " Tina didn't mean any harm." " And what is it with all this Pixel Guy shit?" "I find it really offensive." "My name is Ray!" "Packet of king-size Rizlas, please, mate." "What colour?" "White." " Like your rollies, do you?" " (Squeaky voice) Yes." "(# Jazz)" "(# Scatting)" "Oh, boy, do I love jazz." "I love, I love jazz." " (Doorbell)" " That'll be my taxi." " (Man) Good evening, Camden!" " (Cheering)" "And now, please give a big cheer to Pussy On A Stick!" " Introducing Roger Green!" " (Cheering)" " John Cassels!" " (Cheering)" " Jimmy Juroo!" " (Silence)" " And Richard Drake!" " (Cheering)" "That woman is extraordinary." "Hi!" "I'm Sasha Solomon." "OK, I think I have an exclusive for you." "This must be the oldest woman on English TV." "We thought it was Helen Mirren, but this woman could be her mother!" "Madam, how old are you?" "A lady never discusses her age." "Not even an old lady?" "OK, and I'm guessing here, am I right in thinking you have never had a facelift?" "No, I have never had one." "Joan Rivers, take heed." "The British are a wondrous people." "In this country, you can grow old gracelessly, and it's perfectly OK!" " Do you have warts?" " No!" "Oh, do you know Thora Hird?" "She's ancient." "I love her." " Hm." " She sags for Britain." "What an ambassador." " I don't know her." " Listen up, America." "This unadorned, unlifted woman is on British TV, and she doesn't bother anybody." "She doesn't have to hide out in Florida, and as far as Sasha Solomon is concerned, that's dandy." " Are you done?" " Oh, do you know Judi Dench?" "Oh, she's like a little potato!" "An Oscar-winning potato!" "Oh, I love her." "She's so small and wrinkled." "She's like a little prune." "A prune potato." "This is Sasha Solomon, broadcasting from Woostestershire, near London." "(# Power chords)" " (Cheering)" " Thanks a lot." "Thank you." "Well, that all seems in order." "So, to finance a holiday in St Lucia, you wish to borrow £4,000 to be repaid at 100 a month over a period of four years." "If that's all right, yeah." "I, er, I really need the break." "Well, I think we can probably..." "Good afternoon, sir." "Roger, Roger, it's an emergency!" "You have to come home straightaway." " Sparky, I..." " Quickly!" "Now!" "We haven't a moment to lose." "Sparky, I'm in a meeting with my bank manager." "But it's terribly urgent." "World War III has broken out." " What?" " World War III." "It's terrible." "Thermonuclear war, Roger." "We have to go home and paint all the windows white or we'll die." "Where did you hear this?" "On the television?" "It was on Dr Twinky's magic clockwork radio." "Dr Twinky himself made the grim announcement." "I'm afraid I wee-weed on the floor, Roger." "In terror." " What did he say?" " He said that by six o'clock tonight, the earth'll be a flaming ball of death and despair." "And it'll be very hot." "I thought, perhaps we could have a final game of water pistols before they drop the big one." " I..." " It's a tragedy of the first order." "Look, I've got an important ISAs meeting I've got to attend." " Yeah, sure." " Maybe we can, er..." "Next time?" "It's awful, isn't it?" "Are we going to have crisps and pop for tea?" "What?" "No." "No, we're out of crisps." "Oh, deary me." "Well, we'll have to go to the shops tomorrow, then." "What do you mean, go to the shops tomorrow?" "There won't be a tomor..." "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Try and go on holiday without me, would you, me bucko?" " What a great wheeze!" " Oh, Sparky!" "Up your bum!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "(Laughter)" "(Rock music, muffled)" "This is where it all happened, we think." "This is the main chamber, leading all the way up to here, the butteries, the kitchens, where the armour was kept." "These would have been bedchambers or servants' quarters or the crypt, or the garden or next door." "We don't know." "So." "Fred." "Might it have looked like that?" " Er..." "Erm..." " OK." "Let's cut the crap." "We don't know what it is, what was here." "Yet." "It might have looked like that or it might have been a church, or houses, or a longboat or a farm." "But whatever it was, how old is it?" " Erm..." "Depends what it was." " Right." "Brilliant, Fred." "Keep up the good work." "We'll come and see what you're doing later." "What we know is that there was something here before us, and what we think, well, what we hope, is that whatever it was, there was probably, almost definitely, something before even that." "Maybe an old field or just some rough ground." "But crucially, it would have been an immensely old field." "And that's gonna be very exciting." " OK, lads." "It's safe to go." "One at a time." "OK?" " (Cheering)" " (Voice over radio)" " Right, go!" "Come on." "Go!" "Yeah, go, go!" "Yeah, go!" "(High voice) All pile on!" "(All) Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Ooh!" "Come and look at this." "This is brilliant!" "Now, this is a cross-section of a tiny part of the world." "You see this stuff on the top?" "Grass." "That's now." "You can get that anywhere." "That's not interesting." "But beneath the grass, beneath the now, it looks like there's something buried here." "I think I've found something." "I think I've found something!" "It looks like some sort of cutting implement, perhaps a rude arrowhead." "Fred." "Fred!" "Fred, put your tea down, I'm holding the past in my hand!" "What's this?" "What is it?" "It's, er..." "It's a bit of rock." "It's a stone." "It's a bit of rock." "It's a stone." "But it's definitely older than the grass." "Which means that the mud underneath where I got the stone is older still." "It's under so it's older." "That's the rule." "And what's so exciting is that if we go even deeper...when we go even deeper, we'll be going into mud that is even older than that!" "Let's go!" "(Slow American drawl) All I ever wanted, Poppa, was for you to be proud of me." "I don't care nuttin' 'bout what they say about Momma." " Come here, son." " (Sobs)" "You know I'll always be here to take care of you." "(Sobbing continues)" "Christ, that was good, wasn't it, though?" "That was a clip from Rod Videcker's Oscar-winning portrayal of the mentally retarded character Sonny from the film Strength Through Joy." "Wasn't that bit moving?" "The father still loves him, even though..." "Well, you know." "Now, you won't believe this, but I'm actually joined, here in Tinseltown, by the star of the film, Rod Videcker himself." "And he's agreed to answer a few questions about how he gets to be such a clever actor and give such a marvellous portrayal." "Rod, hi." "Now, what sort of research did you do among mentally challenged people in order to give such a movingly convincing performance?" "(Sonny's slow American drawl) Uh..." "I did extensive research at the local hospital." "Oh, God." "(Slowly) Erm..." "How did you get into the physical..." "Was it difficult to understand the day-to-day..." "What about..." "Thanks very much." "OK!" "Level with me, Fred." "Are we gonna find a Bronze Age village today?" "Erm..." "Well, I'm not sure, Tim." " I mean, it's not very likely." " Why not?" "Well, because, most Bronze Age settlements were, you know, precursors to later, larger settlements and have therefore been built on." "Oh, and they just covered it over?" "They just built towns on it?" "Erm, yeah, eventually towns." "I mean, er, Coventry, for example." "Erm, there was probably a Bronze Age settlement there thousands of years ago." "What, some bastard came along, saw a Bronze Age settlement and covered it up with Coventry?" "I don't fucking believe this." "Keep digging." "Right!" "So what we've learned is..." "Keep up!" "What we've learned is that there may be something really old just about anywhere, but they've probably covered it up with car parks or restaurants or houses." "But whatever it's been turned into can't be as old as what it was, which is..." "So, I'm really gutted, actually." "Will you just turn it off, Terry?" " You're kidding." "That is so sad." " I know." "I know." " What's that, then?" " Felicity." "Electrocuted by her hairdryer." "(Manic laughter)" "Oh, come on!" "(Low conversation)" "(Giggles)" "See, I don't care how good for morale these stunts are," "I've got deadlines." "(Phone ringing)"