"Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?" "Is this really what you called me for?" "No." "No, I'm sorry." "It was just the first thing that popped into my head when you picked up." "I'm calling because, uh," "I'm being blackmailed." "Blackmailed by Camomile White to help her with her stupid reality TV show." "Oh, is she tryin' to use you to talk to ghosts?" "Well, no." "She's using me to keep ghosts away, so she can pretend to talk to ghosts." "What... what do I do?" "Tell that skinny bitch no!" "No, no." "I'm afraid not, Roofie." "In this situation that is literally the worst N-word I could use." "It's not." "It's not." "It is." "Trust me." "Oh, yo, what does she have on you?" "Oh, well, that's... that's sort of where it gets interesting." "I, uh, kinda sorta accidentally told her that I kept Sue from walking into her light." "And it wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't sorta kinda done it in front of her video camera?" "Look, here's what you do, okay?" "Come clean, all right?" "Tell Sue the truth, and Camomile has nothing on you." "Ooh, the truth is some risky business, Roofie." "Dude, if she loves you, she'll forgive you man." "If she really wants to be with you, you'll be fine." "Look, Roofie." "There are a few good men out there, okay, and I'm just tryin' to make all the right moves, but if I go into this thing with my eyes wide shut, the whole thing could literally fall into oblivion." "Are you even listening to me?" "Or are you just listing Tom Cruise movies?" "Who's Tom Cruise?" "Look." "Just be honest with Sue, okay?" "The difference in your relationship..." "... will be like..." " Knight and Day." "Classic Cameron Diaz tale of love." "I like it." "I like where your head's at, Roofie!" "No more lies." "It's over." "No." "You did it again, man!" "Are you listening..." "Motherfucker." "Okay!" "I'm off to work." "And that's the truth!" "I had a really nice time on our date the other night." "Yeah, me too!" "I'm..." "I'm being super honest right now." "Hey!" "I was thinking maybe I could stop by the newsstand today?" "Keep you company?" "I don't know." "I don't... nah." "I don't think it's a good idea." "I mean, I got, like, so much stuff to do." "I am..." "I'm snowed in." "I got so much paperwork." "My desk is buried in paperwork." "There's a desk at the newsstand?" "Yeah." "You'd... you'd never know, right?" "Okay." "Then I guess I'll just stay here." "All day." "By myself." "I don't want you to stay here by yourself all day." "Why don't... why don't you go chop it up, make some ghost friends out there?" "What?" "Just go out in the world and make friends?" "Yeah!" "It's easy, walk up to someone and say, "Hey." "How'd you die?"" "You were murdered then raped?" "That doesn't happen very often." "My name's Sue." ""What's up?"" " I don't know." " Yeah." "Just tell me about it later." "Okay?" "Tonight." "Not... not today." "Because obviously I'm gonna be at work at the... at the newsstand." "At my desk all day." "Oh, okay." "That's where I work." "Okay, bye!" "I'm sorry." "Am I in the shot?" "Uh, no one's even holding a camera right now." "I'm sorry, who are you?" "He's with me." "He's, uh, my new head of security." "That's right." "Yup." "Uppercut." "Stop it." "Put that on." "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen." "Uh, this nameless, deodorantless security man takes his job very seriously, so please no one talk to him, look at him, or feed him." "Mm-hm." "Gremlin rules apply." "Am I clear?" "Not one ghost wanders onto this set today." "Do you hear me?" "My job as a medium is hard enough without having to deal with this paranormal bullshit." "Mm-hm." "She had sex with him on the first date in an Uber." "Can you believe that slut?" "I wouldn't say she's a slut." "She just has a sweet tooth... for penis." "Sounds like a total whore." "That's our friend." "Rude!" "Ugh." "You just said she was a slut?" "Hey, how long do you think until he notices?" "New ghost, huh?" "How can you tell?" "Oh, the new ones float around like a tourist in a fanny pack." "Oh, don't worry!" "It'll wear off after a decade or so!" "How long have you been a ghost?" "Oh, I died in the Triangle" "Shirtwaist Factory fire, way back in 1911." "And I died on my period, so feels like twice as long." "Oh." "What's your unfinished business?" "Oh, equal pay for women in the workforce." "Yeah, we'll get there." " I'm Millie." " Sue." "Have you got plans today, Sue?" " No." " No?" "No underwear and uncircumcised!" "Zip of the day!" "Oh, gross!" "I'm sensing... wax." "Did your daughter ever use crayons?" "Almost every day when she was in kindergarten." "Is Sarah here with us now?" "Yes, she is." "She's here with us now." "And Sarah would like to tell you that she..." "I'm sorry." " We need to cut." " Why?" "Something's interfering with the microphones." "Well, fix it." "I double checked the transmitters," "I replaced the batteries... even unplugged the fridge." "It isn't electrical interference." "I'm sorry, Ms. White." "I checked everything." "Check again." "♪ Moonshine ♪" "♪ Dollar sign ♪" "♪ From behind?" "♪" "♪ Do you mind?" "♪" " You can see me?" " Yeah, I can." "But it's... it's actually the, uh, the hearing that is the real issue." "Get the hell out of my room." "I..." "I got an idea." "Why don't we both leave?" "Because they're kinda shooting a little TV show downstairs in your living room, and, uh, your ghost energy or whatever is sort of messing with the sound equipment." "Oh, okay, sure." "I'll just leave my own room so that my parents can do their thing." "Yeah!" "That's gr..." "Thank you." "I thought for a minute you were gonna give me a hard time." " Fuck that." " Whoa." "I'm not goin' anywhere." "That is quite the mouth..." "Did we, uh, manage to locate the issue and shut it up?" "Who's this basic bitch?" "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm working on it." "Ask her if she knows the name of a song that goes something like this:" "♪ In the butt ♪" "♪ In the butt ♪" "Yeah, I'm not asking her that." "The interference is worse in here." "I don't know what to tell you, Ms. White." "The sound is unusable." "We've all got a lot riding on this show working." "I'd pursue the problem like your loved ones depended on it." "Uh, excuse me." "Did you just threaten my wife and kids?" "Oh, is my mic on?" "No, sorry." "Well, guess what?" "I don't have a wife and kid, so..." "Oh, right, Sue." "Shit." "What's the issue now?" "You're not gonna like this." "This Sarah girl is kind of a bitch." "Major unresolved issues with her mom and dad, okay, so if we're going to sort out her unfinished business, we need to sit down with the parents, drown ourselves in Fig Newtons, obviously..." "We don't have time for that!" "Okay, well, then how am I supposed to get her to go into her light?" "I don't care if she goes off into the light or into the red wrath of the devil's asshole." "Just get her out of here now!" "All right." "Fine." "How do you get a teenager out of their room?" "I don't know, bribe her?" "What do teenagers like?" "I don't know." "Jerking off in the handicap bathroom?" "Drugs." "Start there." "No." "Ghosts can't do drugs." " Really?" " Yeah." "A fate worse than death." "I'll say." "Are you smoking weed in my room?" "Yeah." "It's a new strand called Blue Ivy Carter." "It's like hotboxing Beyoncé's vagina." "I miss weed." "Oh yeah?" "How long has it been?" "Since I was alive." "Ghosts can't smoke weed, stupid." "Mm, yeah, sure they can." "Just depends on the strain." "You know, my best friend is a black drug dealer." "He could probably hook you up." "Maybe." "Good?" "Okay, great." "Let's go, people!" "Who is it?" "Pac." " What's up?" " Roofie, you gotta help me." "I'm with the ghost of a teenage girl." " How old is she?" " What?" "I don't know." " She looks 15." " Uh, no." " I'm not interested." " What?" " Is she Puerto Rican?" " I don't know." "What's the ass on the situation?" "I don't know what the ass situation is." "Listen, she was messing with Camomile's set, and I had to bribe her to get her out of there." "I told her that you had, like, a strain of weed that could get ghosts high." "Pac, I thought you was done lying?" "I am!" "I didn't... you know," "I'm not gonna go cold turkey." "I have to, like, wiener myself off." "So how the hell am I supposed to help with this?" "Hey!" "Is there a problem?" "What?" "No!" "No, no." "Good." "We're super good." "You just chill." "I'm screwed." "So, what, you told her that ghosts can get high, and she believed you?" " Yeah." " Oh, I can work with that!" " You can?" " Yeah, yeah." "Come on in." " Just one second." " Come on." "Have I ever told you about the first drug I've ever sold?" "No, I don't think so." "Look, in 7th grade I made a killin' off oregano." "You can get high smoking oregano?" "Nah, man!" "But those stupid ass kids believed that they were high." "Ohhh, oh." "Paid for the platinum rims on my ten-speed." "And this dead plant is the answer to all your problems." "Oh, hells yeah." "I love it, Roof." "Okay." "But then right after we should probably figure out the whole Sarah thing." "What strain of weed is that?" "Dead dog shit?" "Um, she would like to know more about the product." "Oh!" "No problem." "This plant died before its leaves was fully grown, which is not much of a smoking experience for the average cannabis consumer." "But if you're dead, and there's a dead plant... check this out." "You take a piece, light these two dead leaves on fire..." "Observe." "Mm-hm." "There's dough for getting ghosts blazed." "I call it my "Frowny Face."" "Yeah!" "Is she feeling it?" "Oh, she's feeling it all right." " Look at her!" " I can't see her." "She's blazed!" "Oh yeah!" "Ghosts just wanna have fun!" " Yes, they do!" " Yeah!" "All right, come on, let's get this party train rolling." "Oh, come on." "Uh, this is a bit of a stupid question, but when they say" ""No experience necessary,"" "do they mean that it's, like, necessary for me to have no experience?" "Or is it just, like, unnecessary if I already happen to have experience?" "I need ramen." "Huh?" "Shit... where's Sarah?" "Roofie!" "Sarah, are you here still?" "♪ Hooker, slut, ho ♪" "♪ Catch a camel by the toe ♪" "That sound like a song on the radio right now?" "That sounds like every song on the radio right now." "What... where did you go?" "What, do you think you can just disappear into thin air like that?" "Don't do that to me, young lady!" "Ew." "You sound just like my dickhead parents." "You know those control freaks are the reason I'm dead?" " Really?" " Yeah!" "Yeah." "I died at a party they told me" "I couldn't go to." "Okay, and how is that their fault?" "I only snuck out 'cause they told me I couldn't go!" "They should have just frickin' trusted me!" "Uh, uh..." "Oh, my God." "Are you taking their side?" " What?" "No!" " You know what?" "I don't wanna talk about this with someone so fat." "No, hey, come on." "Listen, I'm not tryin' to control you, okay?" "I could care less where you go or what you do." "Except... you weren't... you weren't at home just now, right?" "I was handing out flyers for my party." "Oh, good." "Okay." "Great." "Wait... wait, what?" "I need to share this frowny face weed with, like, every ghost I know." "Uhh, tonight?" "I can't wait to see the look on my dumb dad's face when I hotbox the entire apartment." "Yeah, how many of those flyers did you hand out, exactly?" " Like 50." " Fifty?" "I should head home and start getting ready." "No, you can't!" "No, you can't... you can't head home." "Why not?" "Because that's... nowhere near enough flyers." "What are you... do you want this party to be a piece of shit, or do you want it to be good?" "All right?" "You should hand out, like, 500 flyers." "Make it a thousand." "Shut up!" "You're right." " Let's fucking trash the place!" " Yeah." "Maybe you're not as fat as I thought." "Cool." "Whoa." "What's this?" "It's a huge problem." "Oh my God, that is, like, the most fun I've had in my entire death." "What are you, a lightweight?" "It's early." "This shit only gets better at night." "Oh." "I should probably head home." "There's someone I need to see." "Oh?" "Like a boyfriend?" "I don't know what he is right now." "We kind of had a weird morning." "I want to be there when he gets home from work so we can talk about it." "You know, when I died in that factory fire, with 123 other women, I realized something." "Men are fucking stupid!" "Who locks the factory door from the outside?" "My boss was a huge, inconsiderate prick." "Kevin's not like that." "The point is, you can't let any man have that kind of power over you, Sue!" "I'm sure Kevin is a fine guy." "I just don't want you to look up one day and realize" ""Oh shit, my face is on fire."" "You know?" "Well, what would you want to do tonight?" "Do you think we'll ever land on the sun?" "Is that really what you just called me for?" "Huh?" "No." "No, sorry." "No, no." "We got, uh, big trouble headed your way." "What's the issue now?" "Uh, well, Sarah is throwing a party, and from the look of this flyer, it's gonna get pretty wild, man." "There's like a stick figure smoking pot out of a vacuum on it?" "Call the party off." "No, no, no, can't do it, man." "This girl doesn't listen to nobody." "Plus it's kind of a cockblock move." "They're setting up the last shot now." "All I need to do is get these morons to cry real live human tears and we've got reality television gold." "Are you listening to my conversation?" "Buy me 30 more minutes, or it's your ass." "No, I don't know if I have..." "Oh, rude!" "Ugh!" "Hey there, hey!" "Okay, haha." "Okay... crazy idea." "Hear me out." "How about if we throw this party not at your house?" "No way." "My parents need to suck it." "Why do your parents need to suck it?" "I mean, to be honest it sounds like all they ever did was look out for you." "You don't know shit!" "I know plenty of shit, okay?" "And I also happen to know that if you had listened to them, you'd probably still be alive!" "That's not fair!" "I wasn't even drinking or smoking." "My death was a random accident!" "How was it random?" "I was dancing, and this song started to play." "It was instantly my new jam, and I wanted to download it to my phone, but I didn't know the name." "I tried to Shazam it, but my cell service kept dropping out." "I quickly ran out to the balcony, but then I stretched my arm a little too far over the railing, and I fell." "That was the last time I ever held my cell phone." "No more Twitter, no more Instagram." "I'll never even know if my last Shazam went through." "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah, without my cell phone" "I don't even know what time it is." "I'm gonna be late to my own party." "Uh, no, no!" "Sarah wait!" "No, it's the song!" "It's the song!" "Ah." "Taxi, taxi!" "Okay, concentrate and breathe." "I need that cell phone." "No fucking way." "Fuck you, man." "Give me the phone." "Just follow my lead." "Thank you." "If you want to give me the bracelet." "Is Sarah here?" "I... i... is she upset?" "Uh." "Yeah." "Ye... uh, yes, Sarah is here." "She's just exhausted from all the contact that we've made today." "So if you have any final things to say to her, say them immediately." "Straight away." "Sarah..." "If you can hear me," "I just want you to know, honey..." "We were never trying to be controlling." "I just had a bad feeling the night of the party." "She was a good daughter and a good person." "We wanted to trust her... but..." "Trust her... but?" "Trust her butt!" "Oh, trust her butt!" "Trust her butt, that's the song!" "♪ Up the pole, down the pole ♪" "♪ Up the pole, down the pole ♪" "♪ Astroglide, any hole ♪" "♪ I love that dirty slut ♪" "♪ That's why I trust her butt ♪" "That is a catchy song." "Oh, party's off, dudes." "Some fat security guard just shut it down." "Apparently the host just went into the light." " Selfish, I know." " Oh." "Hey, do you want to go spook some police horses?" " They go frickin' nuts!" " I'm game." "Oh, and if you can get it to rear up, it might even break a leg." "But then wouldn't they have to put it down?" "Yeah, and then you wind up with a ghost horse, and then we get to go horseback riding!" "Hey, Sue!" "Sorry I'm late," "I had an emergency at the newsstand." "I sold a copy of "Booty Meat" to a minor and..." "Woops." "Sue... ?" "Sue?" "You here?" "Okay, I'm gonna take a poop with the door open now, so if you got anything to say about it, speak up!" "Okay, bombs away."