"Lamont, where you been?" "You should have been home an hour ago." "What's the matter with you, Pop?" "What are you so excited about?" "My cousin Grady from St. Louis, he's gonna stop off and see us." "Cousin Grady?" "I got a date tonight, Pop." "I don't wanna see no cousin Grady." "Wait a minute, Lamont." "You'll wanna meet him." " He's my favorite cousin." " Close the door." "Flies be comin' in." "Okay." "He's my..." "He's my favorite cousin." "Really." "He's so funny." "He's like the life of the party everywhere he go." "When he passed by the cemetery, know what he say?" ""People just dyin' to get in there. " Ain't that funny?" " Do you get it?" " I got it." "He's so full of fun." "Wait till you meet him." "You'll love him." "Know what else he said?" " What?" " Know what he call his self?" "The white sheep of the family." " You get it?" "Instead of saying..." " I know." "I know." "Pop, cousin Grady sounds like a barrel of laughs, but I got a date tonight." "Wait a minute, son." "Come here." "I want to show you cousin Grady's picture." "It's in the album here." "You might remember him?" "You met him when you were little." "Come on." "Sit down." "Pop, I told you." "I don't have time..." "Sit down." "It ain't gonna take you about a minute." " Now, look it there." " Is that cousin Grady?" "No, that's your Uncle Toot." "See, Uncle Toot was a chef on the Titanic...  but he never got a chance to cook nothin'." "Come on, Pop." "And here's your fourth cousin here." "This is your fourth cousin on your great, great aunt's side..." "AuntJennie." "See, AuntJennie married Uncle Tips." "See, he had a wooden leg." "During the Depression, he had a job picking up paper in the park." "The way he did it, he sharpened the tip." "Really." "He sharpened the tip on his wooden leg... and then he went through the park like this." " Would you stop it." " And he worked there a long time." "He sharpened it so many times it got so short they had to lay him off." " Well, I gotta go, Pop." " Wait a minute, son." "Just a moment." "Listen." "I just got a few more..." "Will you look at that?" "That's you when you were a baby." "You're probably the ugliest baby I ever saw." "Really." "I don't know who was uglier... you or that old bear rug you're laying on." "Well, you're my father." "Wasn't I supposed to look like you?" "Well, no." "A lot of people thought you favored the bear." " There's Grady." " Great." "Tell him I said hi, Pop." "Wait a minute, son." "Listen." "Aren't you gonna stay and see him?" " I already told you I got a date." " Listen, Lamont." "Your own flesh and blood is coming to see you and you ain't gonna be here." "See, Grady's bringin' his new bride and his stepdaughter to meet us." "I wanna make a good impression and you ain't gonna be here." "Okay, then." "Well, go ahead on your old date." "I don't care." "All right, Pop, what do you want me to do?" "Break your date." "I'd do it for you." "When do you ever have dates?" "Are you kiddin'?" "I got a date Thursday." "I've been invited to theJunkmen for Nixon Rally." "And if you don't want me to go, I won't go." "All right, I'll break my date." "Thank you, son." "And I'll break mine." "Come on." "Help me clean up for the company." "Uh-oh." "It's too late for that, Pop." "Looks like your company's arrived." "Doggone it." " Hello." " Hi!" "Hey, Grady, Grady, Grady." "Good to see you." "Grady, Grady, always shady." "Fred, Fred, old cabbage head." "Give me five so I can stay alive." "I'll let you have two till Lou gets through." " Can you still do that dance?" " Yeah." " And what about..." " Susie Q. Susie Q." " Grady, good to see you." " Hey, who is this, Fred?" "Don't tell me this is little Lamont." "My goodness how you've grown." "The last time I saw you... you was about knee high to a June bug." "Fred, this is my new bride Margaret." "Margaret, this my favorite cousin Fred and his son Lamont." "I've heard so many fine things about you, Mr. Sanford." " Please call me Fred, Margaret." " I will." "Let's all sit down and talk about old times." "Let's do that." "BettyJean, come on." "What's keeping you?" " It's good to see you." " You're lookin' good." "This is my stepdaughter BettyJean." "BettyJean, I'd like you to meet Fred Sanford and his son Lamont." " Hello, everybody." " Hi, BettyJean." "I'm so hungry." "BettyJean, you can't be hungry." "Didn't you take your diet pill?" "Yes, I did, and it made me hungry." "Oh, BettyJean, put that away." "You're supposed to be dieting." "I am dieting." "This candy is dietetic... bittersweet chocolate flavor and low-cal." "And besides, I've already lost 40 pounds." "BettyJean, you mind if I ask you a question?" "How long have you been dieting?" "She belongs to this Weight Watchers club back home and they meet once a month." "What do they do, eat for 30 days?" "Oh, no." "We talk about what we didn't eat." "I bet that's a short conversation." "Excuse me, BettyJean, but how much did you weigh before you lost the 40 pounds?" "I don't remember." "See, I'm one of those unlucky people." "The least little thing I eat and I just blow up." "I think it's glands." "Well, you better stop messin' with them glands." "Say, why don't we go into the kitchen and fix them something to eat, Pop." " Yeah, let's do that." " Don't go to any trouble." "Don't worry." "We'll just throw something together." "It'll be no trouble at all." "It's good to see him, ain't it, son?" "Hey, Pop, do you believe her?" "That's a big girl, ain't it, son?" "And she says she lost 40 pounds." "If she'll look behind her, she'll find 'em." "Say, listen." "What are we gonna fix for her to eat?" "What about a whale?" "You know what?" "We oughta lock her up in the refrigerator and let her go herself." "That Lamont is a handsome young man, isn't he?" "He certainly is." "And he'll make someone a fine husband." " Wouldn't he, BettyJean?" " I guess so, but I'll bet he can't cook." " Handsome men don't know how to cook." " You shouldn't be so choosy." "Cooking isn't everything." "He's good looking, he's intelligent and he's got a cute moustache." " Don't you like his moustache?" " It's too bushy." "There don't seem to be enough of anything in here to satisfy BettyJean." " What are we gonna do, Pop?" " We better do something quick." "Fat people get violent when they have nothing to eat." "Hey, I know." "Why don't we tell her we gotta go shopping." " Hey, let's do that." " All right." "Say, folks, I'm sorry, but we couldn't find nothing to fix." " We didn't go shopping this week." " I love to go shopping." " May I go shopping with you?" " That's a good idea." "Lamont, you take BettyJean shopping." "See, and I'll stay here and talk with Grady and Margaret." " What's the matter with you?" " No, go ahead, son." "Take her with you." "Then on the way back you can stop off and get some tacos." " Oh, tacos." "I love Mexican food." " Go ahead, son." " But..." " Go ahead." "Will we see any Mexicans?" "The route that I'm taking, that's all we gonna see." "Fred, I hope we're not imposing on you by staying the night." "Oh, not at all." "Glad to have you." "See, you and Grady can take the front room... and Lamont and I, we'll sleep in the back." "And you can go up now if you'd like to and sort of freshen up." "Why don't you do that." "You go freshen up and me and Fred will reminisce." " All right." "I'll do that." " Okay." " You'll find everything up there." " Thank you." "Hey, Grady, that's a good-looking woman you got there." " Where'd you meet her?" "She's pretty." " You think she's pretty?" "You should see her sister." "Beautiful." "No kidding?" "If she's so pretty... why is it that your stepdaughter is..." " Large." " No..." " Plump." " No." " Fat." " That's the one." "I don't know." "But she's a nice girl, that BettyJean... and just dyin' to get married." "But it's a funny thing." "She's very particular." "She don't just take just anybody 'cause she's got so much to offer." "Yeah." "Maybe that's what the problem is..." "she got too much to offer." "I don't mean that." "I mean, there's more to her than meets the eye." "There can't be." "No, I ain't just talkin' about her physique." "I'm talkin' monetarily." "See, the lucky man that marries her... gets a $10,000 dowry." "Ten thousand dollars, Fred." " You kidding." " Cash money the day after the wedding." "See, her father left it to her when he passed." "But he stipulated she don't get it till she gets married." "Ten thousand dollars." "That's a lot of money." "Yep." "A man could do a lot with $10,000... especially if he had a little business he was trying to build up." "Yeah." "A man could get a new truck with $10,000." "Fix up his home like brand-new." " Pay off bills." " Yeah, and take a trip." "Right." "But it's not gonna be easy to find a husband for her." "She's so shy and all." " And so misunderstood." " Right, right." "Say, Grady, what about Lamont?" "Lamont?" "It never crossed my mind." "He'd be perfect." "You think he'll go for it?" " Sure he'll go for it." "Leave it to me." " Hey, Fred, that's great!" "Hey, Grady." "See, up to now, Grady, we just been cousins." " But now we're gonna be in-laws." " Fred, Fred, that's using your head." "Grady, Grady, you still shady." " Hey, good morning, Pop." " Good morning, son." " What you all dressed up for?" " I'm taking our guests out sightseeing." "I got your breakfast ready warming in the oven." "I don't know what it is but it sure smells good." "Yeah, it's good." " There you are." " Oh, wow." "Steak and eggs!" "No, no, cubed steak and country scrambled eggs... with buttermilk biscuits and pure honey." "This sure is an elegant breakfast, Pop." "Yeah, I'm sorry I don't have the champagne that's supposed to go with it." "But would you like some Ripple?" " Some orange juice will be fine, Pop." " Okay, son." "I'm surprised you got any food left at all." "I guess the blimp hasn't been down here yet." "Say, don't call her that." "BettyJean, she's nice." "Maybe she don't make a good first impression... but after a while she grows on you." "Well, I guess it's better to have her grow on you than fall on you." "No, Grady was telling me about BettyJean." "She's sweet and she'll make some man a nice wife." "Uh-huh." "Some man who better be the owner of a supermarket." " You want anything else, son?" " No, this is fine, Pop." "See, you know... you might think I'm crazy for saying this, but..." "I wouldn't mind having BettyJean for a daughter-in-law." "I mean it." "Have you been in the applejack this morning?" "No, listen, son." "You're not getting any younger, you know." "I heard you say you wanna get married and settle down to one steady woman." "Yeah, one, not two like BettyJean." "That's just weight you talkin' about." "See, she's not ugly." "You can get rid of weight... but you can't get rid of ugly." "You mean me marry BettyJean?" "You could learn to love her." "See, love conquers all, even fat." "See, it's like that movie, The Enchanted Cottage...  with Robert Young and Dorothy McGuire." "They were both ugly... but when they were in the enchanted cottage they weren't ugly at all." "They were beautiful to each other." "And it works the same way with fat." "And so this could be our little enchanted cottage right here, huh?" "Yeah, now you got it." " Hey, Fred, we're ready to go." " We're in the kitchen, Grady." "I'm not askin' you to make up your mind right away, son, but think about it." "You're mad, Pop." "You are stark, raving mad." " Good morning!" " Good morning." " We're all ready to go." "Good morning." " How are you?" " BettyJean going with us?" " No." "Too much walking is bad for her." "Her thighs rub against each other and she gets a rash." "That'll be good." "Then BettyJean can stay here and keep Lamont company." " What's the matter with you?" " Good morning." " Hi, Lamont, Mr. Sanford." " Good morning, BettyJean." "Since you're not goin' with us, stay here and have breakfast with Lamont." " Well, it's time to go to work." " No, son." "Come here and sit down and have a cup of coffee with BettyJean." " Sit down!" " Let's get going, Fred." " Yeah, we'll see you two later." " You're gonna be all right." " And remember, no nibbling." "Good-bye." " Okay, Mother." "Well, it's time for me to be going." "What do you do?" "I mean, just drive around all day?" "Yeah." "I drive around and look for stuff." "See ya later." "That must be interesting to go to different places, see different people." " Different houses and things." " It's terrific." "I gotta be going." " I love to travel." "Don't you?" " It's great." "Speaking of traveling, I gotta be traveling." "That's what I'm gonna do when I get married... travel." "I mean, really travel, like Europe." "I guess if you marry a rich dude you'll be able to do that." " I'll have money of my own." " That's great." "The day after I get married I come into some money... $10,000." " You don't say." " Yeah." "See, my real daddy left it for me... but he said I had to be married before I could get my hands on it." " Ten thousand dollars?" " Ten thousand." "You're gonna have to be careful 'cause there's a lot of evil old men... that would like to get their hands on that money." "Oh, don't I know it." "But what you gotta do is stop 'em before they get a chance to." " Right." " Right." "I enjoyed the Roller Derby much more than the sightseeing tour." "Yeah, I liked that Roller Derby too." "Yeah, and you know, that Rocky Kluzewski was something else." "You see him when he bumped into that guy with a left hook?" "Yeah, but all that's a fake, ain't it?" "Yeah." "I wonder how he got that guy's nose to bleed like that." "Yeah, that was fun." " Hello, son." " Hey, Pop." "Did you all have a nice time?" "We had a fine time." "We went down to the Chinese Theatre... where they got the stars' footprints in the cement." "Yeah, and my footprint was the same size as Joan Crawford's." " And guess who my feet fit?" " Boris Karloff." "No." "Rudolph Valentino." " No kidding?" " I got the feet of the sheik." " All right." " What's that wine for?" "Well, the son of the sheik has got a little announcement to make." " You have?" "What is it?" " You ready?" "BettyJean and I are gettin' married." "Where's BettyJean, upstairs?" "Come on, honey." "Well, son, that's beautiful." "What made you change your mind about BettyJean?" "Well, Pop, I got to thinkin' about what you said." "And if you want me to get married, I'll get married." " I can't believe it." " Out of respect to you, of course." "To make a father that I respect happy." "Well, I'm the happiest father in the world." "I'm proud of ya." "Hey, let's drink to our future happiness, Pop." "Just a little toast here." " All right, first to the bride." " To the bride." "All right." " To the groom." " To the groom." "All right." " To the grandparents." " To the grandparents." "To our happy life in St. Louis." "To our happy life..." "St. Louis?" "Did I hear you say St. Louis?" "That's right, Pop." "BettyJean and I are gonna move to St. Louis... and start a little family of Sanfords." "By the time you come to visit us, Pop, you'll have ten grandchildren." "But what about me?" "What's gonna happen to me?" "Well, I..." "I don't know, Pop." "I guess you'll have to sell the place... and move into one of those old folks homes." "Oh!" "I feel a bad one comin' on." "What's the matter, Pop?" "What's the matter?" "I thought this was what you wanted, for me to marry BettyJean." " Yeah, but see..." " But what?" "Now, BettyJean and I... are gonna live in our own enchanted cottage in St. Louis." "See, I don't want you to leave me." "See, I won't make it through the weddin'." "You hear that, Elizabeth?" "I'm comin' to join you, honey... with a glass of Ripple in my hand." "I don't understand you, Pop." "Here I am doing everything... that I thought you wanted and look how you're carrying on." "But I don't want you to leave me." "Are you truly sure you wanna marry her?" "Well, not truly." "I was only doin' it for you, Pop." "Then don't do it." "Don't do it for me." "Please don't do it for me." "I don't know what I can do about it now." "I've already asked her." "I gotta get upstairs and start packin' for St. Louis now." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Do you wanna get out of it?" " I wanna do whatever makes you happy." " Leave everything to me." "You better hurry up because it might be too late." " Hey, Grady, you comin' down?" " Here I come, Fred!" "Oh, Mr. Sanford." "Or should I call you Pop?" " Ain't this exciting, Fred?" " It's just thrilling." " You ain't even kissed the bride." " I will when she cut the weddin' cake." "It's gonna be a big one... a seven-tiered affairs shaped like a giant pyramid." "That sounds good, Mother." "It's gonna be too bad you won't be able to eat none of your own wedding' cake." "Why not?" "Because my son, he's gonna help you with your dieting." "He's a Weight Watchers' weight watcher." " What does that mean?" " It means he's gonna help you." "Once I tried to lose 22 pounds and he locked the refrigerator." "He caught me tryin' to get in it and he chained me to the bed." "I didn't have nothin' to eat for a week but Ry-Krisp and water." " Are you serious?" " Of course I'm serious." "He's not gonna chain you." "He's just gonna put you on a strict water diet." "Only seven gallons a day." "See, seven gallons." "And if you don't drink it all... he's gonna shove a funnel in your mouth and pour it down your throat." "Mother!" "He was tellin' me how he wanted to get you down to around 98 pounds." "Then people wouldn't know you from Shirley Chisholm." "Mother, let's get out of here." "This man scares me." "You go wait in the car, honey." "I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford... but I don't think it's gonna work out." "Please tell your son that we decided he is not the man for BettyJean." "Wait a minute." "That's a shame because... my son bought a nice gift for her." "He gonna give her a monogrammed sweatbox." "Come on, Grady." "Well, I'm sorry, Grady." "Fred, Fred, the plan is dead." "Grady, Grady, you better join your lady." " See ya later, Fred." " Yeah, have a good trip." " Say hello to all the folks for me." " Okay." "Here comes the bride" " Hey, Pop, where's the bridal party?" " I told you I'd take care of it." " The wedding's off." "They're gone." " Really?" " You won't have to go to St. Louis now." " That's great." "Son, I guess you stuck here with me... in our own little enchanted cottage." "Hey, Pop, you're beautiful." "Come here." "Well, I'll see you later, Pop." "Don't wait up for me." "What do you mean don't wait up?" "Ain't you gonna stay home for supper?" "Pop, I got a date tonight." "I'm already late now." "You can't do that." "I made some arrangement." "I got a surprise for you." "Is another relative comin'?" "How much does this one weigh?" "No, wait a minute, son." "It's Bubba's niece, Alberta." "I met her." "She's nice." "And I felt so bad about Grady and his stepdaughter... so I invited her to come over and have dinner with us." "Listen, Pop." "Give the lady my apologies and tell her... that a previous dinner engagement makes it impossible for me to stay." "Wait a minute, son." "That's her now." "Wait a minute." "This is embarrassing." "Look." "I'm getting sick and tired of you trying to set me up with dates." "There's no way I'm gonna stay here and meet this chick." "You got that?" " But, son..." " No, no, I'm leaving." "Hello, Mr. Sanford." "Hello, Alberta." "This is my son Lamont." " Come right in, darling." " Gee, I hope I'm not late." "You're just in time." "Listen." "See, Lamont here has a previous engagement... so he won't be able to stay with us... because the date makes it impossible for him to stay here." "So I hope you don't mind having dinner with me alone." " Oh, no, that'll be just fine." " Oh, swell." "Well, Lamont, I know you got to go, son... 'cause this previous engagement that you have... is makin' it impossible for you to stay with us." "So, I'm sorry 'cause we got a good dinner planned." "Sit right down, darling, and I'll go check on the meatballs." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."