"♪ Ooh. ♪" "Christine Campbell?" "Yes." "I'm sorry to bother you." "I'm Officer Johnson." "May I talk to you for a moment?" "Officer Johnson?" "Oh, my God." "Are you kidding me?" "I... gosh, I can't believe Barb did this." "This is my birthday present." "I was going to send her one, you know, for her 40th, but, uh I chickened out" "This won't take too long." "Ooh, all business." "I like that." "All right, come on in, Officer Johnson." "Okay, so, um, where would you like me?" "Should I sit or is, is that too package level?" "Are you okay, ma'am?" "'Cause you seem pretty..." "You think I'm pretty?" "Thank you." "I was going to say "pretty drunk."" "Oh." "There's been a series of break-ins in the neighborhood and a couple of cars have been stolen." "Ooh, will you protect me?" "I'm a little bit scared." "Yeah, I'm a little scared myself." "Oh, are those handcuffs for me?" "We're getting close to that." "Hey." "What's happening?" "What's a cop doing here?" "He's my birthday stripper." "Oh, God, you sent yourself a stripper?" "No, you sent me a stripper." "I did not." "Oh." "Oh." "Yeah, I've been going around the neighborhood making people aware they need to keep an extra eye on security." "Up until now, it's been pretty easy." "Oh, my-- oh, I'm just- I'm incredibly embarrassed." "I-I thought that you were a stripper, but, you know, I mean, that's a compliment, really." "Well, thank you." "For the record, you could be a hooker." "Thank you." "♪The New Adventures of Old Christine 5x20 ♪ Scream Original Air Date on May 5, 2010" "Oh, Barb, what am I going to do?" "There is a prowler in my neighborhood." "Well, first, you're going to have to come up with a better word than "prowler."" "Makes it sound like you're being stalked by the Hamburglar." "All right, fine, a bandit." "The point is I am scared." "Okay, I have never had to deal with anything like this before." "What are you talking about?" "I thought your neighborhood had a Peeping Tom two years ago." "He wouldn't look at me." "Well, I'm sure you're pretty safe here, too." "The bandit will take one look at this place, think it's already been vandalized, and move on." "No, the point is that I am the perfect target, okay?" "I mean, it's like the beginning of a horror film:" "a young, beautiful ingenue living alone..." "Inside the body of a crazy old lady." "Okay, stop it!" "You are making fun of me and I am really unprepared for this." "I don't have an alarm." "My windows don't even close all the way." "My doors are secured by locks I bought from a guy in a van." "I mean, they're called Mister Locks and they're supposed to be almost as good as Master Locks, but they're not, Barb, they're not." "Calm down." "Okay." "You'll call an alarm company." "You'll get real locks." "In two days you'll be good to go." "Two days?" "What are you talking about?" "I can't be alone here for two days." "Oh, will you stay with me, Barb?" "You can sleep here on the couch." "Your couch smells like farts." "Well, then, can I stay at your house?" "No, then my couch will smell like farts." "Barb, what am I going to do?" "You'll be a grown-up and do what grown-ups do:" "you'll lock your doors;" "you'll be vigilant;" "and if there's a problem, you'll calmly call Officer Buns for help." "You're going to be fine." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Hey, you know, it's my birthday tomorrow." "And happy birthday." "Okay, I'm going be fine." "I am." "There's nothing to worry about." "Hey." "Oh, God!" "Geez, what the hell?" "God, you scared me." "I thought you were an intruder." "What's going on?" "We have some big news." "Yeah, I know, there's a prowler." "No, no, New Christine is going into labor." "We're going to the hospital to have our baby." "I just came by to get my camera." "Oh, wow, that is big news." "So you guys still don't know what you're having?" "No, New Christine does." "I didn't want to know, but she's going to let me name it if it's a boy." "I'm going to pick Frank Sinatra." "Anyway, we should go." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Um, actually, you know what, Richard?" "I'm going to need you to stay here with me." "What?" "New Christine's about to give birth." "I know, but there's a prowler, and I don't want to be alone." "Well, I don't want to miss the birth of my... son?" "Maybe." "Yes." "Okay, we should really go." "Sorry, Christine, you're on your own." "All right, fine, I don't need you, except possibly to identify my body." "Make sure the paramedics don't do anything gross with me." "Unless it's funny." "What's going on?" "Hey, Matthew, I don't want to worry you." "Okay." "But..." "I have a problem." "Okay, I don't want to scare you, but a stripper came over today and told me that there's been a string of burglaries in my neighborhood, and I'm not getting my alarm installed until tomorrow," "so I need you to move back in with me." "Christine, I'm not coming back." "I have a great life here." "What's so great about it?" "Well, uh, we have home-cooked meals at a table instead of Hot Pockets on paper towels in front of the TV." "Uh, we drink from glasses that aren't permanently stained with wine, lipstick, and tears." "And we have uh, nice furniture that doesn't smell like farts." "Hey." "What's wrong with Hot Pockets?" "What's going on?" "Matthew, who's your friend?" "Oh, she is not my friend." "Hi, I'm Christine." "I'm Matthew's sister." "I'm sure you've probably heard about me." "Oh, yeah-- please don't sit on our couch." "Uh... my sister's having a bit of a crisis." "What?" "I didn't say "crisis."" "God, you're making me look paranoid." "There is a marauding band of land pirates in my neighborhood, and I'm afraid that if I'm there alone, I will be ravaged." "Christine, you've already been ravaged." "I mean, time has ravaged you." "Stop it, okay?" "It's almost my birthday." "I mean, how can you leave me alone on my birthday?" "Is she going to cry?" "Because that makes me uncomfortable." "I don't like being uncomfortable in my own apartment." "Deal with it, Matthew." "Good Lord, what is her problem?" "Who doesn't like crying?" "She doesn't have a problem." "She just likes things a certain way." "You have to go." "Well, Matthew, I hate to bring this up, but you owe me." "Oh, for what?" "Who was there for you when you were too afraid to sleep alone after you saw The Shining?" "Who took their seven-year-old brother to see The Shining?" "That was not my question." "Okay, fine, you were there." "Yeah, that's right, I was there, just like I've always been." "I'm sorry, Christine." "I am not coming home." "Okay, fine." "Then I'll stay here... and do this." "Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance." "Please don't do that." "Okay, I'll stop if you come stay with me." "I am not going to stay with you." "Redrum." "Please don't." "Redrum, redrum, redrum!" "Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine." "I will stay with you one night, but just until they put in the alarm." "Thank you, Matthew." "Well, you're still only three centimeters." "You've got a ways to go, so I suggest you go home, get some rest, and maybe tomorrow we can..." "No, I have to have this baby today." "It has to be today." "Why?" "Because today is my due date." "A due date is like a promise." "You promised me that I was going to meet my daughter today." "Daughter?" "Or son." "Oh, good." "So is there any way to move this along?" "Well, walking helps." "Uh, some people suggest eating spicy food, and it might be an old wives' tale, but some people say having sex can help move things along." "This is where I usually make a joke about my old wife, but you don't seem like you're in the mood." "Richard, I want to have sex." "Right now, with the adjustable bed and the nurses right outside the door?" "That's on my bucket list." "I'm gonna be expecting a big tip from you." "What the hell is that?" "That's my alarm until the real guy gets here tomorrow." "You know how many cans of chili I had to eat to make that?" "God." "Oh, is that why you have all those empty wine bottles against the back door?" "No, that's recycling." "Oh, thank you so much for staying with me." "I feel so much safer having you back in the house." "Not back in the house, just one night." "Yeah, I know." "So what do you want to do first?" "Should I nuke some mac and cheese for us to eat while we wait for our Chinese to get here?" "Actually, I've been trying really hard to eat healthy lately." "Uh, Heidi has me on a raw food diet." "Raw food?" "Oh, great, I got cookie dough in the refrigerator." "Oh, and you know what's on TV tonight?" "What Surgeons Left Behind-- a new one." "On the preview they kept showing a doctor wearing just one clog." "You know what?" "I think I'm just going to go read for a little while." "Wait, Matthew, maybe you didn't understand me." "I think the doctor's other clog is in the patient." "No, I know, and that sounds great." "Yeah." "But I think it would be better if I just hang out in the guesthouse." "I'm gonna go take a shower." "Just call me if you get scared." "Okay, and you call me if someone tries to break through your bathroom door with an ax." "God, I hate you." "No, no, no!" "Matthew, you scared me." "What are you doing?" "Oh, nothing." "I was just going to get some water, and then I saw that you were at the good part of Blades of Glory." "Good part?" "Is there a bad part?" "You want to watch the rest with me?" "No, I shouldn't." "I was just gonna get that water." "Is that queso dip?" "Yup." "It's a delicious processed cheese food with a full-day supply of trans fats." "Sure smells good." "Smells like..." "America?" "Yeah." "Oh, come on, Matthew." "One chip isn't gonna kill you." "It's midnight." "I didn't do it." "The baby's not going to come." "We had sex for nothing." "Not for nothing." "For nothing." "So the baby will come today." "No big deal." "But it is a big deal." "Don't you know what today is?" "Sure do." "Happy anniversary." "No, Richard." "It's Old Christine's birthday." "Our baby is going to have the same birthday, the same astrological sign, the same personality, as your ex-wife." "Hold it in!" "You got 24 hours." "I know you can do this." "Stay in there, Frank Sinatra." "This is one crazy star you do not want to be born under." "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "No!" "No!" "Calm down." "It's just me." "You scared me." "Where are you going?" "Were you leaving?" "No." "I was just going to go get some coffee." "We have coffee here." "Some donuts." "We have donuts here." "Smokes." "That's what Dad always says before he leaves Mom." "Okay, I'm going home." "What?" "Why?" "Because you're a bad influence on me." "How am I a bad influence?" "I want to move forward, okay?" "This feels like moving backwards." "I'm not your little brother anymore." "I'm my own person." "Oh." "Didn't hear you complaining last night." "Hey, no." "Stop it!" "That is not what you say to your brother." "It's inappropriate." "I am never moving back here." "Do you hear me?" "Never." "I mean, it would make me a loser." "Oh, so now I'm a loser?" "Good-bye, Christine." "Huh." "That's unusual." "Is something wrong?" "No, everything is fine." "It's just seems your cervix is closing up." "Oh." "I've never seen anything like that before." "Unless you count my old wife." "All right, you guys let me know when you're ready 'cause I got some good ones." "No." "She can't have the baby today because of my old wife." "She doesn't want them to share a birthday." "Well, when the baby wants to come, it's coming." "You can't will something like that." "You don't know New Christine." "When she wants to hold out, she can hold out." "We once went six months without having sex." "Well, you did." "Right." "Oh." "Well, this is a little different, you know." "This is a human being who's ready to come into the world." "Not on this day." "Wow." "This is weird." "Your contractions are getting further apart." "That's amazing and a little scary." "Haven't seen that kind of control from anybody since my old wife." "And that's not a joke, just a cold, hard fact." "I can't believe he's gone." "And he is kidding himself if he thinks that anyone is gonna love him the way that I did." "You don't need Matthew." "The alarm guy's coming today." "Yeah, well, he's not gonna want to live with me, either." "You know, Barb, having Matthew here last night made me realize how much I'd been missing him." "You know, it's like that week I went off carbs, or that day I went off wine." "Yeah, that was a bad day." "I just don't understand how someone can love you one day, and the next day, it's over." "Like everything was a lie." "Maybe you need to start coming to work instead of watching The Bold and the Beautiful." "Yeah, Barb." "That's me and Matthew." "We're bold." "We're beautiful." "You're old." "You're crazy." "Stop it!" "Okay?" "It's my birthday." "Look, people move on." "It's natural." "And he hung in there with you for a long time." "You should be grateful for the time you had." "Oh." "I wonder what he's doing right now." "Is that his shirt?" "I can't quit him, Barb." "Well, look who decided to come home." "What?" "I didn't know where you were." "Next time, leave a note." "I really don't think I have to do that." "I mean, we're not related, and you won't let me sleep with you." "Matthew, I was really upset after all that drama with your sister." "So, there's a new rule." "No family members in the apartment." "What?" "There's a reason I don't talk to my family anymore." "They always want something from you." "They'ralways calling to say, "Merry Christmas,"" ""We miss you," " Your dad's in the hospital."" "It's, like, "Oh!" "Get off me!"" "Uh, you don't get to make rules for me." "Unless you sleep with me, and then I'll do whatever you want." "But you know what?" "Until then, this is my apartment." "But you're illegally subletting to me, and if I tell the landlord, he'll kick you out." "Why just me?" "I'm sleeping with the landlord." "Damn." "Listen, Heidi, I'm not going to tell my sister she can't come over here." "I mean, sure, she can be a pain, but she's the only family I got, and I like hanging out with her." "She's fun; she's crazy;" "and she's always been there for me." "I mean, I don't know what I would do if I had to go through a day without seeing her." "Oh, no." "Aah!" "What is my code?" "!" "Oh, my birth year." "Oh!" "Okay, fine." "My real birth year." "Ms. Campbell, I heard your alarm going off, and I found this guy hanging around your back fence." "He says he lives here." "Nope, I live alone." "That's probably 'cause of all the chili you eat." "Oh, Christine, come on." "I got kicked out of my apartment." "I need a place to stay." "Oh." "Well, I guess you should have thought of that before you decided to walk out of my life forever, okay?" "After all we have been through together, after all I have done for you, you act as if I'm likehe worst thing that ever happened to you." "I'm taking that as confirmation that you know him." "I'm going to take off." "Maybe become a stripper." "Christine, I'm sorry." "Come on." "It wasn't always terrible to live he." "Actually, sometimes it was kind of fun." "Oh." "How generous of you to say so." "Can I stay?" "Well, I don't know." "I was going to turn the guesthouse into a gift wrap room." "You don't y people gifts" "Okay, you can move back." "Okay." "Not forever, just for now." "Now is all we have." "We're bold." "We're beautiful." "Oh." "Oh, look at the adorable baby." "Oh." "How weird." "She looks just like Matthew." "What's her name?" "Dakota Christine Hunter-Campbell." "When was she born?" "Two minutes after midnight." "Oh, my gosh!" "She was born on my birthday!" "No, your birthday was yesterday." "No, that's when I celebrate my birthday, but my real birthday is today." "Which is, like, my mother's birthday." "Yeah, which is why she celebrated it yesterday." "Oh, we're twins." "Happy birthday to us, Dakota Christine." "Richard, put the baby back."