"(man) 10.000 pages." "My life and loves." "That's just about one wwoman for every page." "Oh." "God." "I'm tired." "But there is one story I haven't put dowwn." "Francesca." "That's a story wwhich isn't mine to tell." "Really." "So... keep it to yourself." " (wwoman) For how long?" " I don't know how long." " It's a man, and you're a whore." " I'm an actress." "What's the difference?" "Giacomo." "You be good for your grandmother." " Now, you know I love you very much." " Mama." "Listen to me." "Look out there." "Know one day you'll come back to Venice... and I'll return for you." "I promise." "I promise." "She means... when I am dead." "It's not her fault." "It's in the blood." "A heat for love." "Irresistible." "Irresistible." "(man) Sophia, my love!" "(gasps) My husband." "(giggling)" "(man) Your husband is the luckiest man in Venice and doesn't know it." "(wwoman) And it's lucky he's not in Venice." "(man) Sweet darling, I love you like no other." "You are my dreams come true." "(wwoman) Please, please make love to me again." "(kissing)" "Casanova, tell me I'm the only one." "Of course." "I always do." " Darling, I'm home!" " My husband!" "I know Casanova well." "It's just like him." " Has the iceman come yet?" " Yes." "And he comes again tomorrow." "(laughter)" "Don't believe what people say." "I don't conquer." "I submit." "I've never sought glory as a lover." "Well, what then, Signor Casanova, do you seek?" "A moment that lasts a lifetime." "So, tell me." "This unusual order of nuns you belong to." "Is it a very strict order?" "Very." "No... jewels or nice clothes before sundown and back in our cells by... (clock chiming)" " Heavens!" "Is that the time?" " You don't have to go." "Oh, I must." "It's been delightful." "Only..." "Only..." "How do I know you're really Casanova?" "Oh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" " (knocking) - (wwoman) Casanova." " The Inquisition is here looking for you." " No." "Forgive me." "Quick." "If they catch you, they'll hang you." "Giacomo, wait." "Tell me I was the one." "You are the one." " You won't forget me, will you?" " No, I could never." "(wwomen chattering)" " Casanova." "For you." " Thank you." " Where is Casanova?" " I've taken a vow of si..." "Eternal damnation." "For one night with Casanova." "Seems fair." "(yelling)" "We've got him." "Come on." "(man)... hours of study by respected thinkers of our time, including myself." "I'm not old-fashioned in this matter." "I do not say a woman's place is at the hearth and in the bed." "What I do say..." "Of course it is their place." "(all laughing)" "What I do say is let them be educated at home." "On the higher planes of science and philosophy, women serve only to distract us, to bring us down to our earthly appetites." "So I say no woman shall ever set foot inside this university." "Let my opponent take the floor." "(man) And now Dr Giordano of Padua." "(all murmuring)" " Too late, gentlemen." " (man) Silence!" "Let me show you who is bringing whom down to earth." "A woman is air and fire and lightness and strength." "Like this little vessel... that would rise up to heaven were it not held down by ballast - bags of sand." "The dead weight of men with their heads full of sand." "Only a woman would argue by this demonstration of a toy." "It would never strike the superior intellect of a man, or I'll eat my words." "Eat these briefs, signor, for these are the words of the philosopher Bernardo Guardi, who was said to live in this very city." "Bernardo Guardi." "That madman." "Wait until the Inquisition catches up with him." "Call him a madman, but he has more understanding of women than any man in this room." "And I'll wager he has better luck with them in bed as well." "(man) Strumpet." "There he is!" "Over there!" "Stop him!" "(all gasping)" "Hold him!" "Gentlemen, my apologies." "You see?" "The dead weight of men." "But I didn't know what was happening." "He..." "He bewitched me." "He said he was the Holy Ghost." "Hmm." "And it's happened before." "You are charged with debauchery, trespass, heresy." "To wit:" "Fornication with a novice." "Well, she was hardly a novice." "For which the punishment is death by hanging, tomorrow at dawn." "And this time your admirers in high places won't be able to help you." "Excuse me, Inquisitor." "The doge." " Dalfonso." " Ah!" "Prince, we were just talking about you." "What brings you here?" " I have a special interest..." " I have a special interest." "This time the prisoner has been condemned on the evidence of a nun." "A special interest in your witness." " Sister Beatrice?" " I need a word." "For God's sake, don't you know who she is?" " Who?" " Cardinal Lopresta's mistress in waiting." "He entrusted me with safeguarding her virginity for him alone." "She's leaving for Rome today." "Your witness is Cardinal Lopresta's sister, Beatrice." "His sister?" "Oh, God!" "Those Romans." "Think about it, Father Dalfonso." "Who's going to get the blame for dragging her into the Casanova affair?" "Take your time." "Me?" "Signor Casanova, this seems to be another case of mistaken identity." "Oh." "You are free to go." "You know I'm your friend, but I'm being threatened by Rome." "Venice, I'm afraid, is perceived as a hotbed of..." "Well, as one enormous hot bed... with silk sheets and heretical books under the mattress." "The people here are given over to physical pleasure and scepticism." "(people shouting)" "(cheering)" "Do not abuse my sympathy for you, Casanova." "I'm expelling you from Venice." "Your Excellency, I worship beauty." "There's no harm in that, is there?" " Worship it in Paris, London." " I can't leave Venice." " Why?" " I'm waiting for someone." " She may let you down." " No." "She promised she'll come one day." "You don't understand." "I'm expelling you from Venice for your own good." " Unless..." " Unless what?" "Unless you find yourself a respectable wife." "A good woman from a good family will give you protection." "A wife?" "It will soon be the time of Carnevale when authority winks at our indiscretions." " You're bad enough during Lent." " But Carnival's in a few days." "You better not waste any more time then." " Meanwhile, you're on good behaviour." " A wife?" " No scandals..." " Getting married?" "...duels, drunken escapades." "Morning, Lupo." " We were worried about us." " You were right to be." " We're getting married." " Oh, congratulations." "To whom?" "Don't know yet." "Any callers?" "Landlord, tailor, wine merchant, usual creditors." "Look at the state of us." "Where have you been all night?" "It's like being married already." "Can you get me some fresh clothes?" "We have some shopping to do." " The Contessa Morelli-D'Aosta." " Yes, yes, yes." "Oh, but, no, she snores." "Yes, I remember." "Ah!" "Lady Veronique Costello." " Heavenly." " Yeah." " Duchess of Urfe." " Oh, yes." " But didn't she poison her husband?" " Did she?" "I don't remember that." "Ah, Giulietta Badalamente." "Sadly, she hasn't poisoned her husband yet." "Perhaps if we told us what we're looking for." "I don't know." "Uh, beauty, uh, modesty." " Purity." " All that." "Lupo." "We have had a vision." "Still spying on your virgin?" "She'll never look this way if you don't make yourself known." "The whole town's talking about it." "It's just appalling." "You think those men liked hearing they're no good in bed?" "If they wanted that, they'd go home to their wives." "Francesca, arrogance in a woman is not attractive." "She's not arrogant." "She's just angry." " Fruit, sir?" " Don't defend your sister." "It's true." "She knows she's smarter than most men, which makes men pretend to be superior, which makes her angry, which is seen as arrogance." "Giovanni, come away from the window." "Our neighbours'll think you're a gargoyle." "No, Vittorio." "Over there." "Francesca, this is a very important week as you well know." "You have responsibilities." "In a few days, thanks to you, I won't be poor any more." "Much thanks to your father who had the foresight to betroth her to his rich cousin's eldest son in Genoa." "Listen to this." ""Mystery transvestite at university overturns laws of gravity, conjures devil from the air, nearly starts fire."" "Oh, God." "Can't they get anything right?" "Be thankful." "I told you I'd not permit another scandalous display at the university." " There's too much at stake." " Mother, I don't want to marry him." " Please." "I'll be damned if I do." " Well, if you won't, I will." "(snickering)" "Oh, that's funny, is it?" "Well, I'm damned to be widowed and gathering dust." "Mother." "Well done." "I know why you're like this about your fiancé." " Why I'm like what?" " Come on." "You're always slipping away in secret." "And you're thin." "It's obvious you've already got a secret lover." "Well, don't tell." "(knocking at door)" "(Casanova) Oh, hello." "A gift for your daughter." "I don't know what to say." "Thank you." "It's magnificent." "But you don't know my daughter and she doesn't know you." "Oh, yes." "But I know her reputation, Signor Donato." "And everybody knows yours, Signor Casanova." "I've always wondered what you look like." "Quite ordinary, I can see that." "Well, how can I put this?" "Victoria is that rare thing - a Venetian virgin." "Yes, one hears of them, but invariably it turns out that..." "I am sorry." "Do go on." "Thank you." "She's led a very protected life." "Never has an impure thought crossed her mind." "Of course not." "She's never been alone in a room with a man, or even seen a man without his coat." "I've made sure of that." "There isn't anything I wouldn't do to ensure her happy innocence." " She should be in a nunnery, but..." " Heaven forbid." " Exactly." "One hears things." " Yes." "On the other hand, there is you, Signor Casanova, the most notorious lover of women in Venice, reputed to have the longest..." "list of conquests ever known." "A virtuoso of the intimate caress." "The maestro of multiple..." " What was that?" " I will come to love her, Signor Donato." "It's out of the question." "Your idea of love is sensuality, to reduce women to quivering puddles of..." "Oh!" "Oh, Victoria!" "Are you all right?" "I want him." "I want him." "Please, please, Papa." "I'll never be happy without him." " Congratulations." "We're engaged." " We are a marvel." " I mean, actually getting married?" " Yes." "You have sullied my glove." "I mean, uh, love." "My love." " I'm sorry." "What did he just call us?" " We didn't sully it." "It came out of nowhere." "Thank you." "You've sullied my love." "Victoria Donato is my fiancée." " Is she?" " Yes." " In the sense that I'm going to marry her." " Ah." "Well, she never mentioned that." "Of course she didn't." "I haven't asked her yet." "(both) Oh." "Wha...?" "Here, sir." "What, are you two working together now?" "Lupo." "San Cremori at dawn." "Listen." "We decline to fight you, dear sir." " You coward." " We happen to be on good behaviour." "You have no right to decline to defend your honour." "It's our honour, so we have the right." "He who gets slapped has his rights." "Those are the rules." "See?" " Now, what did we do that for?" " I don't know." "Ha!" "San Cremori at dawn." "May I know of whom I have the honour to be killing?" "Lupo Salvato." "Thank you." " Ooh." "Don't forget your glove." " Thank you." "Surely we don't mean..." "What's this "we"?" "You slapped him." "You fight him." "(grunting)" "I see you're not..." "You're not laughing now." "Yah!" "Yah!" "Yah!" "Ow!" "Come on!" "The apple is very distracting." "It's all right." "I'll fight him." "I can be Lupo Salvato." "Bastard!" "Signor Salvato." " Oh!" " Oh, dear." "This gentleman is here to explain the terms of the duel and to see fair play." " Very good." " Your attention, please, gentlemen." "Stay behind the line until I give the word." "If one trips or falls, the other puts up his sword until I say "continue"." "Yes." "If a sword breaks, your second hands you the spare sword." " Do we have a spare sword?" " Yeah, we do." "First blood ends the duel." "Master!" "Move." "Go on." "Master!" "It's the old switch game." "You'd have killed him." "And you are?" "Francesca Bruni." "He's my brother." " I'll take that, sir." " Sorry, Signor Salvato." "I should think you would be sorry." " It was all a case of mistaken identity." " Mistaken identity?" "Giovanni got it into his head you were courting Signorina Donato." " Did he?" " It's all over Venice." "The famously virginal Victoria Donato is gonna marry the infamous rake, Casanova." " Do you know him?" " Casanova." "The philosopher, who devotes his life to the perfection of experience?" "Yes, I know him." "No." "Casanova the libertine who devotes his life to seducing women." "Well, we're obviously talking about the same person." "There must be something deeply wrong with a man like that, don't you think?" "Something missing in his life." "True love, perhaps." "All love is true in different ways." "To say "I love falsely" is as self- contradictory as saying "I believe falsely"." "Huh?" "Ah." "You are a philosopher, too." "I've spent countless hours alone with Casanova, pondering the ways of love and how it makes us at one with the angels." "And with the beasts." "I will not debate with you if you take the side of a man whose idea of love demands a female sacrifice every day." "I've no sympathy for women who think no better of themselves than to be a plaything." "You tell your friend from me that what he imagines to be love is, in fact, self-love." "And self-love is self-doubt." " Well said." " Yes." "By the philosopher Bernardo Guardi." "You should read him, Signor Salvato." " Clearly." " Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him." "If that woman were me, I would love him alone... and forever." "Goodbye, Signor Salvato." "If fighting continued, one of us would have had good cause to be sorry." "The one still standing, I think." "Francesca Bruni." " I want my money!" " Next week, without fail." " You said that last week!" " I was a week early." " Go to hell." " I'll see you there." "Thank you so much." "Honestly." "Why, the nerve!" "Can you believe this man?" "I mean... does he know who we are?" "He should be honoured to be owed money by the likes of us." " Lupo." " What?" "I've made a terrible mistake." " You have?" " Yes." "I have to find her." "(singing)" "Master, I'm a little confused." " I thought we'd made our decision." " Yes, I know." "Francesca!" "He's arriving tomorrow." "Your fiancé." "She has a fiancé." "Well, so do you." " Giovanni." " Good day, Mario." "How are you?" "Oh!" " I'm sorry." " Giovanni, more disgrace. (scoffs)" " Allow me." " Thank you." "I'm sorry." "Mama, this is Signor Salvato." "Ah!" "I understand you've had an unpleasant encounter with my son this morning." "It was nothing more strenuous than a morning's constitutional." "Come along." "(Giovanni) Sorry." " Your sister has a fiancé?" " She's in love with Casanova." " Who is?" " Victoria." " My love." "Remember?" " Oh, yes." " Engaged to Casanova." " Yes." "Well, you'll have to beat him at his own game." "But how?" "I'm up against a world-class seducer." " Ah!" "Hello." " So?" "What would Casanova do?" " I don't know." "What would Casanova do?" " Well, to start, he wouldn't mope around." " No, I suppose not." " Misery is not attractive." "If you want to be loved, you have to be worth loving." "That's the first rule." "And second... be the flame, not the moth." " The flame, not the moth." " Yes." "It's my tongue." "Got very loud." "Ahh!" "So, your sister, is she happy with this new fiancé of hers?" "No." "She's never met him." " Really?" " Besides, she has a secret lover." " A secret lover?" " Yeah." " Who?" " Well, I don't know." "It's a secret." "Anyway, she's always sneaking off in the..." "See?" "Oh." "I'm sorry." "Lupo, there she is." "Ah, Casanova." "We are buying Victoria's trousseau." "Only three days to go before the wedding." "(Victoria) Casanova." "No intercourse before the wedding." "I'm a traditionalist." "I mean social intercourse, of course." "Paolo." "Paolo, let us off." "(Lupo) Ah." "A secret lover." "He's going to bang her to pieces." "From Rome." "The Inquisitor's office." ""A cesspit of heresy and fornication."" "Oh, surely not..." "Oh, they mean us." "127 complaints against Signor Casanova." "Do we know him?" "You'll see there are suspicions Casanova enjoys the protection of this very office." "Oh, that's absolutely rid..." "It's either his neck or it's ours." "It better be his." "Get me my notebook." "(Lupo) Oh, dear." "(snoring)" "She's completely worn him out." "(coughing)" "Psst." "I found his name." "He's a writer." ""The Subjugation of Women by Bernardo Guardi."" "No wonder." "He's entered her head and her heart as well." ""Here we live in the midst of masculine domination and what be the result?"" ""Half the population is missing from the feast?"" ""You have no right to property and government, nay, not an opinion..." ""If ever a man wants to have a woman fall in love with him, all he need to say..." ""All he need to say is," "'I have too long dominated the conversation." "What are..."' ...your thoughts on the matter?" "What are your thoughts?" " Meat?" "I'm the tailor!" " So you are." "Forgive me." "Thank you, sir." "What are..." "What are your thoughts on the matter?" "My thoughts?" "Well, uh, I'd say..." "No, Lupo." "I'm..." "Could I have some tea?" "Of course." "Mother, my fiancé is turning up tomorrow." "What shall I do?" "It's simple." "Do your duty." "Is it my duty to marry a man that I don't know just because he's rich?" "Yes, it is." "Your duty to your father who had your best interest at heart." "Marriage is a safe haven, my darling." "And love?" "Love?" "Love is something else." "It's the weather being good every day, because wind and rain are just another kind of good weather." "That's love." "Perhaps when you see him, you'll fall in love with your husband." "He's not my husband yet." "If you go against your father's wishes, we'll continue living in debt, at the mercy of everyone we owe." " But if you honour the betrothal..." " The contract." "The betrothal... then our troubles will be over." "It's between you and your conscience." "Amen." " Signor Salvato." " I do come here to make confession." " What are you doing?" " What am I here to confess?" "Well, let's see." "Jealousy." "Uh, pride." "Covetousness." "Despair." "And you?" "I came to prepare my soul for marriage." "You're troubled, Signorina Bruni." "My troubles are nothing to you, signor, and little enough to me." "To be bartered in marriage is no small thing, especially for a woman of independent mind." "I see my brother's tongue wags again." "In future he can fight his own duels." " You can't come in." " It's all right." "I'm a doctor." "You're not Casanova?" "No." "I can prove it if you'll show me your chest." " Are you often in church?" " I followed you." "Surely it is your friend Casanova for whom fiancées add spice to the pursuit." "If you knew him, you wouldn't be so quick to condemn him." "If you understood women, you would not be so quick to defend him." "Love is not an affair of a night or a fortnight." "And true love doesn't grow with the number of lovers." "It wastes away." " Where's your instrument?" " I'll get it out in a minute." "But you can't blame those who seek love wherever they can." "Perhaps it's merely the murmur of the flesh that hasn't known the flutter of the heart, meant for an evening but not a lifetime." "But can't that still be love all the same?" "It seems you're trying to woo me, Signor Salvato, by offering to make me a notch on your bedpost." "Come now, we are speaking of Casanova, and I am a different man." "You see, Casanova couldn't understand that of all the ways love can be true, there... there is one way." "And that way is the sum of all the others." "Now, I've too long dominated the conversation." "What are your thoughts on the matter?" " What did you just say?" " What?" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Oh!" " I'm in hell." " I'm busy." "Another note to your lover?" "I'd tell him it's all over if I was you." "Go away." "I'm marrying Papprizzio." " (door slams)" " What did I do?" "Somebody came here who wanted to read your latest pamphlet before publication." " What?" " Did you show someone my work?" "I didn't show anyone anything, on the memory of your father, whom I served well." "Until he fired you for stealing." " Where's the manuscript?" " I took it to the printer's like I always do." "You write, I get it printed under my name, I take the commission." "Everyone's happy except the priests." " These new shoes, Guardi?" " Church gave them to me." "They don't fit." "Don't lie." "This is an addition to page five." "Take it to the printer's." "Nobody came." "Nobody bribed me." "Would I be sober if they had?" "(Casanova) That's him." "(squawwking)" " Here." "Add this to chapter one." " Thank you." "Guardi says, "Why should women lace themselves out of their natural shape?"" " Casanova." " Signorina." "I left my window open." "My darling, I have so many windows and so little time." "(wwoman) Burn our corsets." " (Lupo) Oh!" " What are you doing?" "Oh, sorry." "Forgive me." "It was an involuntary... (man) Please let me help you." ""In the heart of every woman, there is room for a pet."" ""Dogs and cats provide solace and affection."" ""How rare is the man who knows that the pet of choice for today's woman is the intelligent and noble pig!"" " A pig?" " I'll pay for the damage." "I'm well-endowed." "If you get my..." "I'm sorry." "That came out wrong." "(squealing)" "Will you tell your lady that Signor Salvato is here with a gift?" "My mistress says the pig cannot come in." "But the animal we'll take." "(slurping)" "(Lupo) I have news about the fiancé." "His name is Papprizzio." "He's from Genoa." "He's arriving at noon." "He's rich." "Of course he is." "Everything's turning against us these days, Lupo." "(sighs)" " How much do we owe?" " About 1500 lira." "Hmm." "Lay out our second-best suit, Lupo." "Who owns this tub?" "I do, sir." "And I'm Pietro Papprizzio, merchant of Genoa." " And what's your cargo?" " Lard." " Lard?" " Finest in the world." " Tell him, Fulvio." "Tell him." " Yes, sir." "Tub of lard. (chuckles)" "Do you mean to tell me you've never heard of my lard?" "We'll have to fix that." "I want to see one of these posters on every canal, street, water corner by morning." " Understand?" " Sign here." "Signor Papprizzio?" " At your service, sir." " On the contrary, I'm at yours." "The family of your fiancée sent me here to greet you and to send you to your palazzo." "But... palazzo?" "I have a reservation at the Hotel Grifasi." "They didn't tell you?" "The Grifasi is closed." " Oh, really?" "Why?" " Oh, Lupo." " Rising damp, sir." " Rising damp, indeed." "Palazzo, eh?" "Well, lead on." " My servant shall see to your baggage." " I think you have everything under control." "The first thing..." "I'm going to do is call upon my betrothed... after I make myself presentable, of course." "Yes." "And how long does that usually take?" "(snickering)" ""Casanova bought a pig."" ""Casanova took the pig to the Bruni house."" " Clear it." "Everything." " Ow!" "I'll take that." "Your Grace." "Inquisitore Dalfonso, I am Bishop Pucci." "Oh, Bishop..." "I have been instructed to relieve you of your duties here in Venice." "To say that the pope is less than happy with your rate of progress is an understatement of monumental proportions." "You and your entire staff have been reassigned to open a mission among the natives of... the equatorial region." "Wha-what kind of natives?" "Let us just say, shall we, they have a great hunger for religion." "Ah." "So this place belonged to the libertine Casanova, eh?" "Yes, but he ran out on his debts, so... we got the villa at a very reasonable price." "Really?" "How reasonable?" "Uh..." "Lupo?" " 1,600 lira." " Yes." "Hmm." " Get a receipt." " Of course." "Do I get a bath for my 1,600 lira?" ""Casanova... bought a pig?"" ""Casanova took pig to Bruni house."" ""Casanova met with Papprizzio at dockside."" ""Took Papprizzio to his house."" "Is there anybody here who can explain this?" "You sent them all away to be eaten." "Ah, well..." "Then we shall have to do some footwork ourselves." "Papprizzio?" "The pork fat mogul from Genoa?" "We're here to discover heresy and criminal licentiousness." "If there's bacon involved, I dread to imagine the depths of depravity we're going to find here in Venice." "(Papprizzio) I'm surprised, but I have a good feeling about this city." " Do you?" " There's a massive market for lard here, and I plan to use a good old bit of Genoan know-how to penetrate it." " Good thinking." " Handbills, newspapers." " That's just what Venice is missing." " That's exactly what I was thinking." " You have to keep an eye for that servant." " What?" "He's gone out." " He's gone out where?" " How am I supposed to know?" "Ah." "Aha!" "I've arranged a trinket for my beloved - a little wedding present for my bride-to-be." "Would you like an advanced demonstration?" "Yes, please." " Oh, it's very..." " Oh, that's wonderful." "Exquisite." "Really." "Yeah." "Who is it?" "(wwhispers) Was that him?" "How am I supposed to know that?" "What are we looking for?" "I don't know." "Something." "Anything." "Ahh." "Ahh." "I found the house, sir." "Signora Bruni and her daughter request the pleasure of your company for tea." "Good." "Good." "Um, the chartreuse then, I think, Fulvio." "Right away, Master." "I'm certainly looking forward to seeing her." " Hope that she's..." " (wwater bubbling) ...not disappointed by me." "Hope that she doesn't think I'm, um..." "I don't know." "What's the, uh..." "What's the word?" "The expression I'm looking for?" " Rotund?" " Excuse me." "What did you say?" "Would sir require a small snack before tea?" "Well..." "Do you see that trunk shaped vaguely like a salami?" " Yes." " It's filled with salami." "(both wwhispering)" "Ohh!" " Oh, there you are." " Yes." " Oh, now, very impressive." " Thank you." " The choice of lime is very slimming." " You're too kind." "I must be off." "Didn't I have an appointment?" "What?" "Oh." "The publisher." "That was it." "To see how my new book is doing." "Oh, you're a writer." " I've been known to scribble a bit." " Oh, bravo." "My master's a famous writer of love and how to please ladies." "You've heard of Bernardo Guardi..." " Lupo, hush." " But he's a friend." " I'm so sorry." " Bernardo Guardi?" " I can't believe it." " I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean to." "You, sir, are Bernardo Guardi?" "That's my nom de plume." "But you must swear to tell no one." "I swear." "On my honour, sir." "My solemn vow." "Bernardo Guardi." "Fulvio, this will need some thinking about." "Yes, it does." "It's my great honour, sir." "Look at me." "I am." "Now look at that." "Yes, in truth, it is not an exact likeness, no." "Yeah." "In general, we call it advertising." "Yes." "Fine." "But so what of it?" "If she loves you as you are..." "She's never seen me." "Oh." " Not even a glimpse." " Really?" "Yes." "Oh, dear, Master Guardi." "Take me under your tutelage, I beg you." "I'll pay you handsomely." "Whatever you like, I'll pay it." "You want me to tutor you?" "I want you to transform me." "Transform me." "My dear man, but you have but an hour until you must you meet her." "I don't want to go." "You can't make me go." "Shh, shh, shh, shh." "As it happens, my new book, which isn't out yet, deals with the outer man." "You see, the relation between the physical and the spiritual is little understood." "Except by me, of course." " Master Guardi." " Yes?" " Can you make me look like that?" " Oh..." " Yes, I can." " Oh, God." "But it will take courage." "It will take time." " Long confinement to this villa." " Courage." "Yes." " Do you understand?" " I understand." "Fulvio." "I will send my servant Fulvio to the house of Bruni with a note." " No need." "I will pass that way myself." " Oh, excellent." "Can we start?" "I want to start right now." "Lupo." "Lovely." "Giovanni!" "Signor Papprizzio is expected at any moment." "Signor Salvato." "Vittorio, tell Signor Salvato I am not at home." "Now, how strange." "I'm sure that I was invited to tea." " You were?" " We're not having tea." "Forgive me." "I must have forgotten an invitation." " You told my servant, I believe." " We were expecting Francesca's fiancé." "Indeed." "And here he is." "Ladies, forgive me." "It is time I presented myself under my true colours." "Signorina Bruni, my name is not Salvato." "You see before you your most devoted and fortunate fiancé," "Pietro Papprizzio, all the way from Genoa." " (gasps)" " Signor Papprizzio." "(clattering)" "All the young women I met back in Genoa concealed their true natures from me, dazzled by dreams of an empire of pork." "They looked at me and they saw a mountain of lard." "No, no, no." "Not at all." "If anything, you need fattening up." "I don't like thin men." "Francesca's father was enormous." "Nevertheless, I remained true to the fiancée that I'd never seen." "But I wanted to make sure before I declared myself she likewise had kept herself for me and hadn't been seduced by the first charmer that came along with a..." "Pig." "Perhaps you are the charmer you warned me against, signor." "I'm engaged to be married, and so far all I know about you is..." "Perhaps you remember sending me this." ""To Pietro Papprizzio from Francesca Bruni, with my hopes."" "Perhaps I should've brought the other letters you wrote me." "The only desire I have is that you'll come to love me." "And if you cannot or if there is someone else for whom your heart beats in secret..." "I shall release you from your engagement." "There isn't!" "There isn't." "His Eminence, Bishop Pucci." " Perhaps I've come at a bad time." " No." "No, Your Excellency." "We're delighted." "I should have sent word, but since I've just arrived in Venice and as your husband, the late ambassador, was so regarded by the Holy See, the pope was anxious to be remembered." "Oh!" "Allow me to introduce my son-in-law-to-be Signor Papprizzio." " Signor Papprizzio." " Bishop." " My daughter Francesca." " My dear." "What is the pope's most feared inquisitor doing in Venice, Bishop Pucci?" "Francesca..." "No, no." "I'm delighted that my reputation precedes me." "The Vatican sent me to deal with moral problems." " What kind of moral problems, Bishop?" " Oh, the usual." "Fornication, heresy." "How exactly does the Church define heresy?" "(laughing) Francesca!" "I hardly think heresy is a fit conversation for a young lady." "Why?" "Can't we be heretics?" "I think my fiancée, Bishop Pucci, wishes to learn more from you perhaps." "If you please." "Very well." "Heresy is an affront to the teachings of the Church." "It is a rebellion against our mores and our morals." "More to the point, and you will understand this, since you are a woman and understand women's ways, hence the concept of "whim", heresy is whatever I say it is." "For example, that writer fellow, Bernardo Guardi, he is a heretic." "And why is that?" "Vittorio, where is the tea?" "Guardi's words cause women to feel dissatisfied" " and men to doubt their manhood." " Really?" "If you are an admirer of this Guardi fellow, I have some very sad news for you." "He's written out." "My colleagues are scouring the streets for him as we speak." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, I'm so sorry." " Bishop, will you take tea?" " Thank you, no." "I have people to see." "Signorina Bruni." "May I have the honour of accompanying you to the carnival ball?" "But I've done nothing wrong." "(shouting)" "I'm innocent!" "You've got the wrong man!" "Let me go!" "Come on." "Come on." "(squealing)" "I have an urgent message for you from Bernardo Guardi." "Who are you?" "Never mind." "The Chief Inquisitor from Rome is here and he is out for blood." " Delay publishing the new pamphlet." " You're a little late." "Oh, my God." "Stop selling it." " Sorry." " That's what it says." "The pig." " Well, I've always owned pigs." " Oh, tit." "Right." "Now, make sure it's ready in time for the ball." "(Lupo) Ah." "Master." " How's the treatment going?" " Well, uh..." " Is he any better?" " Yeah, well..." "It's impossible he could look any worse." "Is that you, Maestro?" "Maestro Guardi, is that you?" " Hello." "Who's there?" " Good God." "You achieved the impossible." " Thank you." " What have you smeared all over him?" " Lard, mostly." "Mint jelly." " Hello?" " A few coffee grounds." " Yes." "Coffee grounds." "Well done." " Signore." " Is it you, Maestro?" " Yes, Papprizzio." " How do I look?" " Well, let's see." " (gasps)" "Yes." "That's very good." "It's coming along quite nicely." "I've been asking your man for a mirror." "He can't seem to find one for me." " Oh, well..." "Lupo, mirror?" " Uh, I can't find one... anywhere." "After application of all your techniques, I'm terribly anxious to check my progress." " Yes, of course." " Yes." "Oh, there you are, Fulvio." "Good man." "God." "It's working." " It's working, isn't it?" " Yes." " It's working." " Oh, yes, indeed." "You took my regrets, of course, to the house of Bruni?" "Yes." " Good." "Bad weather or some such?" " Yes." "Of course I did." "What of Francesca?" "I told her I'd take her to the carnival ball, but I do think I need just a bit more time." "Yes, I think you're right." "You do need some more time." " Listen." "Don't worry." "I'll handle that." " Good man." "You relax." "Lupo, a little more around the belly." "Yes, Lupo." "More on the belly." "Signore, Bishop Pucci wishes to see you." "Of course." "My name is Bernardo Guardi, but I'm not the Bernardo Guardi." "Come along now, Bernardo." "There's no shame in being a writer." "Let's play a little game, shall we?" "I'll read you a sentence and you finish it." ""A woman is air and..."" "And what, Bernardo?" "I don't know." "Trouble?" "No." "No." "Um..." "Uh..." "Wind?" "Air and wind?" "No." "I'll give you a little clue, shall I?" "(yells)" "Oh!" "It's not the tea I object to." "It's the water." "So, Signor Papprizzio, how well do you know Casanova?" "(teacup clinks)" "Be careful how you answer." "I could become interested in you." "I was less than..." "I was less than frank at Signora Bruni's." "It is Casanova I have come here to hang." "That fornicator who spits upon the teachings of the Church." "Are you following me?" "Good." "So why did you go with Casanova to his house?" " I'm renting it from him." " You're renting it?" " It's strictly business, of course." " Business." "I believe he went out of town for a day or two." " Out of town?" " Yes." "Ah!" "Well, if I know anything, he's hardly likely to absent himself from Carnevale." "Hmm." "Signor Papprizzio, if you'd help put an end to this fornicator's career for good and all, believe me, the Church will be very grateful." "How grateful?" "The lard concession at the Vatican." "Which is a lot of lard." "That's quite an attractive offer." "So we have a deal?" "You will help deliver Casanova unto me?" "As sure as my name is Papprizzio." "Ah!" " Excuse me, Your Reverence." " No." "This Bernardo Guardi we're racking, I don't think he is the heretic." "I think someone is just using his name" " as a nom de plume." " A nom..." "Don't be clever, Andolini." "What do you mean you think?" "The Inquisition is not paid to think." "Be sure!" "Well, I am pretty sure." "He can't read or write." "Ah." "Lupo!" "Lupo!" " There is no lover!" " What?" " There is no secret lover." " What?" "She never had one." "Carnevale." "(man) Talked of pigs all week." " Darling, have you seen my husband?" " I am your husband." " Any sign of Casanova, sir?" " I don't know what he looks like." "But he's bound to be here." "He wouldn't miss the carnival." "Ah, Signor Papprizzio." "See?" "Everybody's here." "We just have to find them." "(explosions)" "(man) Victoria?" "Victoria!" "Good evening, sir." "Signor Pizzani and Signora." " You're welcome." " (wwhispering)" "Signor Papprizzio of Genoa escorting Signorina Bruni." "You're welcome." "Signor Dandolo and Signora." "You're welcome." " Signor Papprizzio." " Mother Bruni." "We must introduce you to everyone we know." "Yes, this should be interesting." " Will you do me the honour, signora?" " May I?" " Well, I'm free." " Uh, I..." " Be my guest." " Watch this." "Signor Casanova, I have a message from your fiancée." " Ah, which one?" " Uh, Signorina Donato." "She's in the piazza." "She's waiting for you to escort her in." "Good Lord!" "Come." "Don't worry." "You're not my first virgin." " Victoria." "Ah!" " Casanova." "(Pucci) Something is not right." "Do we have the address of Casanova's house?" "Then I think now is the time for positive action." "Lord and Lady Devonshire." "You're welcome." "Signor Casanova and Signorina Donato." "Ah!" "Signor Casanova." "Enchanting." "I'm so very pleased for you... and me." " When's the wedding?" " Soon, Your Grace." "You're welcome." "Ambassador Gritti and Signora." " My darling." " Giacomo, where can we go?" " Find somewhere." " Find somewhere?" "Oh, no, no." " I can't wait any longer." " Sit down." "Very good." "Wait here and I'll come back with a glass of wine." " (man) Casanova." " (wwoman) Oh, how wonderful to see you." "What are you doing down there?" "No." "(moans)" "Hmm. (snickering)" "There he is." "Ah!" "We danced off our feet." "You danced off your feet." "How lovely." "Lovely." "Whoa!" "Ahh!" "That's better." " Are you all right?" " Yes, I'm fine." " Ah!" "Signore." " Yea... ah!" "It's Signor Donato from across the canal." "It's Signor Donato from across the canal." "I just said that." " May I?" " Please." "Thank you." " Ahh!" " You all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Just hot." "Oh!" " I didn't see you in church." " Well, I was there." "I know, but I wasn't." " Do you know Signor..." " Yes." "I'm the future son-in-law." " (both) That's right." " Yes!" " Congratulations are in order." " Yes." "Thank you." "No." "No, I mean..." "No." "Yes." "Congratulations are in order." "I just said that." "(Casanova clears throat)" "Congratulations." "You must be pleased for Victoria." "Ah..." "Oh, that reminds me." "Have you seen Victoria?" "(moaning)" "No, no." "That's true." "I thought she'd be here with her... her fiancé." "That's true." "I haven't seen her anywhere." "I think she's..." "I had forbidden her to come, but she has defied me." " She must have changed." " She has." "I suppose getting engaged to the famous Casanova has gone to her head." " What is the matter with this table?" " It's a good table." "It's fine." "I'm a traditionalist." "No intercourse before the wedding." " Social intercourse." " There's somebody under the table." " Which table?" " This table!" "(Pucci) Is this the palazzo of Signor Casanova?" "(Lupo) Yes, sir." "He's right in here, Your Excellency." "(snoring)" "(yells." "Splashing)" "So, Signor Casanova, not out of town after all, I see." "I find it difficult to believe this is what women want." "Yeah." "Here, little piggy." "Come, little piggy." "(snoring)" " Andolini..." " Sir, I think..." "Don't think." "Just do what you do." "(yells)" "Stop the treatment!" "I don't like this part of the treatment!" "(moaning)" " So... what progress?" " He seems confused." "Fornication on a massive scale leads to confusion." " Signor Casanova." " I'm Papprizzio of Genoa." "Unfortunately for you, I am intimately acquainted with Signor Papprizzio." " I've had tea with him." " Ask Fulvio." "Argh!" "Fulvio, tell him." "Tell him, Fulvio." "(Fulvio mumbles)" "Um, sir." "So who is...?" " So you are Papprizzio." " It's what I've been saying, stupid." "Well, Signor Papprizzio, maybe you'll tell me the whereabouts of the owner of the palazzo where you're staying." " Signor..." " Guardi." "Signor Bernardo Guardi is my host here." "I'm staying at his place, taking his course." "He designed my treatment." "Do you realise Guardi is a heretic?" "Your Reverence, Bernardo Guardi is a nom de plume." "Then if..." "Bernardo Guardi is a nom de plume... perhaps the plume's nom is... (both)..." "Casanova." " Casanova?" " It was staring us in the face all along." "The glorification of women, et cetera." "Boring, boring, boring." " Casanova is Bernardo Guardi." " Bravo, Your Reverence." "Good Lord." "He's taken my fiancée to the ball." "Not for long, he's not." "Get your men together and come with me." " Where are you going?" " I'm going to the ball." "Well, so are we!" " You're right." "She's here." " Where?" "Right over there." "See?" "You should take her home." " You see, I'm a traditionalist myself." " Signor Valmarana and Signora." "Ah." "At least someone's made an effort." "Excuse me." "I say, at least somebody's made an effort." "Now that is purple." "That's not Venetian, is it?" "Am I wrong?" "That is a..." "London..." "Paris..." "Rome?" "Is it, uh, uh..." "It's almost a papal purple." "It reminds me of something." "Don't tell me." " Inquisitor Pucci." " Inquisitor Pucci." "Yes, I know." "I heard you were in Venice." " Come for a dance?" " I'm here to arrest Giacomo Casanova." "Casanova is about to marry a young woman famous for her modesty." "His slate is wiped clean, and he's under my protection." "Does your protection extend to heretics?" "Beware, Doge." "Your city's freedom dangles from the belt of the Vatican." "You're welcome." "(all) Hey!" "(all) Hey!" " Admiral Massimo Canal and Signora." " You're welcome." "Where's Francesca?" "My name is Pietro Papprizzio and I'm from Genoa." "What?" "Signor Papprizzio of Genoa." "So you're Papprizzio?" " From Genoa?" " (gulps)" "Eh..." "Is your name... (mumbling)" "Bruni." "Oh!" "I'm your..." "I'm your future..." "Oh, I never dreamt you'd be so beautiful." "Me?" "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear." "Why..." "No." "No, I'm your future mother-in-law." " My mother-in-law?" " Yes." " I'm not betrothed to you?" " No, to my daughter." "Oh." "Um..." "Some people find her beautiful." " There's a man who's after her." " Oh, really?" "Does she like him?" "Signora Bruni, your daughter has been duped by none other than Casanova." "But worry not." "He's as good as... (gasps)" "Why don't you stop interfering, all right?" "Thank you." "Well." "Signorina." "I was afraid I'd lost you." "As one might lose a pocket watch, Signor Papprizzio, or some other valuable possession?" "I know that no man will ever own you." "But to be your defender on the road you travel, to show you the world as you've never seen it, for that I hold my hopes." "Let's start by taking one step closer to heaven." "You get this one here." "Ready." "On the count of three." "One, two, three." "Witchcraft." "Actually, I believe it's because hot air rises, overcoming the gravitational force of..." "Witchcraft." "Here we are." "Look!" "It's Casanova with his new fiancée." "Casanova." "Come on." "Is that Francesca?" "It is her." "Oh." "Oh, that's Francesca." " I've never seen her look so happy." " Oh, really?" "Such bad news for you, Signor Papprizzio." "O calamity." "She's thrown me over." " Disgraceful." " Oh, well." "A scandal." " You're a free man." " Oh, dear." "What will I do?" "Thank you, Signor Papprizzio." "I'm beginning to believe that your heart is true." "There is more of the lover than the merchant in you." "Why didn't you tell me you were my betrothed?" "You didn't trust me?" "Well, why didn't you tell me you were Bernardo Guardi?" "Hmm?" "It's all right." "I won't tell anyone." "I should've guessed the first time I saw you in that citadel of male complacency... when you were as brave in debate as you were later in duel." "You were Bernardo Guardi in beauty's mask." "I'm in love with you, Francesca." "You were at the debate?" "Yes." "Yes, I was." "At the university." "(sighs) Uh..." "Francesca... (clears throat)" "Just as you had honest reason for not telling me who you were, uh, I, too, have honest reason..." "What?" "(gasps)" "I can explain this." "Are you Papprizzio?" "Tell me you're Papprizzio, my betrothed." "Who are you?" "(clears throat)" "I'm Casanova." "What?" "I'm..." "I'm Giacomo Casanova." "You stand for everything I write against." " Wasn't that before you knew me?" " I don't know you." "Which one of you?" "Oh!" "I think I liked you better in your masks." "At least Salvato was a gentleman." "Papprizzio was promising." "But Casanova, I despise." "You dare to say you love me." "I would save myself for the kind of love which a man would give his life for." " Are you hurt?" " I'm fine." "(Pucci) Casanova." "Signor Casanova." "I'm here to arrest you as a fornicator, a charlatan, and, above all, a coward who hides behind the name of another " "Signor Bernardo Guardi." "And as Bernardo Guardi, I arrest you as a heretic." " What?" "He's not..." " Oh, yes, signorina, he is." " He's not..." " Francesca, don't." "No." "I'm Bernardo Guardi." "Bishop Pucci." "How can I help you, my dear?" "(Victoria) I was a virgin." "My virginity was my most cherished possession - my gift from God." "My gift was taken from me." "Tragic and most damnable." "What was the name of this vile seducer?" "Giacomo Casanova." "When Casanova came to my room and... robbed me..." "I fought for my honour." "Are you saying you'd be willing to give me the testimony that I need to hang him?" "Yes." "But I would worry about my reputation." "Of course." "But I think we could say if everything went according to plan, we could return your reputation and your virginity to you." " You could do that?" " Oh, yes." "We are the Catholic Church." "We can do anything." "(giggling)" "(moaning)" "Excuse me." "When is my turn?" "(Francesca) Give me a man wwho is man enough to give himself just to the wwoman wwho is wworth him." "And if that wwoman wwere me." "I wwould love him alone and forever." "(man singing)" "(Giovanni) Thank you very much." " Are you sure I don't owe you anything?" " Oh, on the contrary." " Thank you." " Bye." " Bye." " Come back." "You're..." "You're the boy in the window." "Signorina Donato." "(wwoman) We won't forget you." "You'll be a legend among the girls." " This is terrible." " Why?" "I've loved you hopelessly for years." "Why didn't you say?" "(laughs)" "My Lord, the prisoner is being represented by a Dr Giordano of Padua." "Then I call the defence, Dr Giordano." "It is a case of mistaken identity, Your Grace." " What?" "Mistaken..." " Yes." "This man... is not Bernardo Guardi." " (Pucci) Oh, yes, he is." " Yes, I am." " You see?" " He is protecting someone." " No." " Yes, you are." " No, I'm not." " Yes, you are... not." "Protecting who?" "The woman who loves him." "If you are who you say, perhaps you could indulge the court with a few samples of your more renowned philosophies on women." "If I've said I am Bernardo Guardi, does that not suffice?" "My Lord, must we listen to this stuttering heretic?" "He has self-confessed." "Is that all that you require?" "A confession?" "Well, yes." "I suppose so." "Good." "Because I am the one with the manuscripts, written in my own hand." "I am the only one with proof that I..." "I... am Bernardo Guardi." "You?" " Francesca." " Do you really think I'd let you die for me?" "Well, then, release the prisoner Casanova." "My Lord, my Lord, let us not forget this is a court of law." "We still have a self-confessed heretic." "And we also have a notorious seducer, an adulterer, a violator of virgins whose guilt I will prove by the testimony of..." "No!" "It wasn't true." "(stammering)" "Uh, uh, of... by the testimony of no less than 127 sworn statements, attesting to the libidinous lust of Giacomo Casanova." "There is only one verdict open to this court:" "Guilty." "And one sentence:" "Death." " Death to the heretic Bernardo Guardi." " No!" "And death to the master fornicator" "Giacomo Casanova." "(gasping)" " You did say the cardinal's coming." " I did, sir." "Your Reverence, I don't think we can wait any longer." "Oh, very well." "I shall have to do it without him." "(man) Cardinal Lopresta has arrived!" "Sorry we're late." "Canals, et cetera." "Your Eminence." "Bishop Pucci." "An honour to meet you at last." " I've heard so much about you." " Thank you." "What's happening here?" "Oh, just hanging a heretic and Casanova." "Ha!" "What luck." " My nurse." " Ah." "And does your nurse enjoy executions?" "Does the pope have a balcony?" "What I actually came to say is this." "Venetians!" "Greetings from His Holiness." "As you know, today is the pope's birthday." " And..." " Did you know that?" "And in honour of his birthday, His Holiness has decreed a papal pardon for all those who would be executed on this... happy day." " Your Eminence." " Free the prisoners." "(cheering)" "Free the prisoners!" "Your Eminence." "Uh, no." "No." "Uh, no." "You don't seem to share the pope's happiness on his birthday." "No, I do." "I do." "How old is he?" "I'm... not quite sure." " No, no..." " Best stay here." "Crowd's turning ugly." "Please join me in my coach." "We're leaving for my country house." "I'm so sorry I'm late." "My fault." "I'm to blame." "Tito." "The love of my life." "This... is my son." "I've played cardinals before, of course." "You may have seen me." "Anyway, we left our troupe in Trieste when we heard the news." "Had to move fast." "Hey." "Mom, the paint is wet." "It says "Theatre Troupe" here." "(man) Cardinal Lopresta has arrived!" "Arrest those impostors!" "Move!" "Get out of the way!" "Giacomo!" " Come on!" " Come on!" "Out of the way, people!" "Casanova!" "Hah!" "On you get, darling." "Quick as a bunny." "I didn't know it was the pope's birthday." "Hey." "So how goes things?" "It's very exciting, isn't it?" "This is the last time I'm travelling coach." "Hold on, everyone!" "Hang on!" " Easy, boy!" "Whoa!" " Tito!" "Everybody off." "Hello, darling." "I'm your future stepfather." " I was always faithful to you." " I never had any doubt." "None at all." "Come on, darling." "Let's escape on my barge." "It's by the water." "That way." "Charge!" "Oh, dear." "Giovanni!" "Step lightly, darling." "Excuse us." "Excuse us." "Out of the way." "Out of the way." "Excuse us." "This way, darling." "This way." "I can't wait for you to see the boat." "Here's the boat." "Right this way." "On your new boat." " Vittorio." "Vittorio." " Careful." "Careful." " I'm behind you." " This way." "No, my baby." "Listen." "You're staying behind with me." "Prepare to sail, men." "Oh, dear." "Vittorio, do something useful." " Signora, what can I do?" " Something useful." "Giovanni!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Quickly!" "Quickly!" "I can't come with you." "If I do, they'll follow us both." "What?" " You mean they'll follow Casanova?" " That's right." "What if he never left?" "I could do it." "There's more to this than just the name." "I wouldn't mind being Casanova." " I wouldn't mind being on that boat." " And I wouldn't mind my wedding." "Well, come on." " Come on." " Lupo, where you going?" "I'm staying." " Why?" " I'm a Venetian, sir." "My place is with Casanova." "Take care of me, my good friend." "Of course, Master." "After them!" "Better luck next time!" " Andolini, get the boats after them!" " Farewell, simpletons!" "Get after them!" "Go on!" "Oh!" "I told you I'd come back." "Oh, it's a wonderful life, an actor's life." "You'll love it." "Who writes your plays?" "Come inside." "Lovely." "Just my kind of good weather." "Which is wwhy the story of Casanova and Francesca... isn't mine to tell." "Victoria and I lived happily ever after." "Just not together." "Ah." "Venice." "So... soon enough." "In people's minds." "Casanova wwas back." "If I may say so." "I believe I rose wworthily to the occasion... and added many glorious chapters to the legend... wwhile I kept the secret of the true love of the man wwho wwas" "Casanova."