"All right, bad news." "Hostess says it'll be at least 45 minutes for a table." "Did you tell 'em you were with the star of Jack 2000, soon to be Jack 2001?" "Yes, I did." "And she gave me a similar hand gesture, but with a different finger." " Maybe we should do this another night." " Nooooo." "Sweetie, we talked about that sound." "But we're all leaving tomorrow." "I want us to have dinner together before Thanksgiving." "You mean tonight isn't thanksgiving?" "Oh, crap." "Now I have to spend all day tomorrow, watching Stan gorge himself on thighs and breasts... and turkey." "Well, if we have to wait, um, why don't I get a bottle of champagne?" "That's a nice idea." "What would you guys like?" "Can I have another one of those, only bigger?" "Oh, tears, booze..." "I love the holidays, too." "Do you think that men can't be trusted?" "Honey, I've always said, if your genitals are on the outside, you're hiding something on the inside." "I should warn you." "Further conversation with her will only lead to more tears." " Are you ok?" " I'm fine." "Grace, leave her alone." "She obviously doesn't want to talk." "It's my boyfriend, Tom." "I mean, I don't know what happened." "You know, just when things started to get kinda serious, he starts to pull away." "Which is so weird because we have so much in common, like, we're both dance majors..." "We both know all the songs from "The Wiz"" "And we both collect Victorian dolls." "What's your name, dear?" " Pam." " Pam." "Hi, I'm Jack McFarland, of course." "Come, join our little circle of love and dysfunction." "This is Karen Walker." "This is Will Truman right here." "And this is your sorry ass future, if you don't dump that boyfriend of yours." "Jack!" "I" " Will, defend me." "Come on, man." "Yeah, guys, our little Pammy's in pickle." "And, uh, shouldn't we help her find her way back to a place called hope?" "Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid." "It's a 4-day drive and a boat trip to a place called hope." "What are you talking about?" "Well, I think you need to hear a little story about when these two were dating." "Or as I like to call it, "When Mary Met Sally."" " Jack..." " No." "No." "You are not telling that story." "It was an incredibly difficult time in my life, and this is not the time or the place." "The year was 1985." "My freshman year in college..." "So, uh, this is the big weekend, huh?" " You going to her house for Thanksgiving?" " Oh, yeah." "It is a scientific fact that college girls love getting it on in their folks' house." "You have nailed her, haven't you?" "Oh, please!" "Huh." "I've not only nailed her, I--I've sanded, buffed, stained and spackled her." "Ok, what do you mean you and Will have never done it?" "Well, he wants to take it slow, and I see his point." "I mean, we're soul mates, so there's no rush." "Yeah, I taught her a few things." "Let me tell you my friend, she's an excellent student." "Like he taught me how to scrunch my hair to keep the curl." "You know me, nothing I love more than sex." "Wi-wi-with a woman." "And he's so handsome." "He reminds me of those old Hollywood movie stars, like Rock Hudson or Montgomery Clift." "Ok, fine." "Do what you want." "Just afraid you're gonna miss your window." "Oh, please." "Don't be insane." "What window?" "Ok, you know my psych professor, Dr. Bonami, he says if you don't do it with a guy right away, you just end up as friends." " Did he really say that?" " Yeah." "Do you" " Do you really think if you're" " Friends..." "I would die if that happened." "I mean," " who wants a guy as a friend?" " Uh, thank you." "If I want to take this relationship to the next level, we have to make love soon." "Like this weekend." "Don't say, "make love"." "It sounds, like, totally gay." "Yo, beer's gone." "Bye, sweetie." "I'm gonna pack." "Bye." "That's ok, I'll clean up." "Hi." " What are you doing in the closet?" " I could ask the same of you." "What?" "!" "Who are you?" "Oh, how quickly they forget." "We met at Matt Stokes' party." "My card." ""Jack McFarland." "Since 1969."" "What are you even doing here?" "Aren't you in high school?" "Well, I prefer the college parties 'cause the fellas tend to be less uptight about their homosesuality." "Oh, yeah, now I remember you." "You were the one going around telling everybody you were in Duran Duran." "Yeah, that's right." "That's right." "Yeah." "Oh, a-and you think everybody's gay." "No, not everybody, just me..." "And you and a dog named Boo." "Hey, hey." "Heh." "I'm not gay." "Well, this well-worn copy of the "Dreamgirls" soundtrack begs to differ." "Anyway, what does this have to do with Tom and me?" "Let me shorthand it for you, honey." "The Sultan of Boran?" " What does that have to do w" " Your story was boring." "Anyway, after my little talk with Ellen," "I decided that it had to be that weekend." "So, we took a train up to my parent's house in Schenectady, where Will learned the answer to that age-old question, "What ever did happen to Baby Jane?"" "Gloria, Gloria." "I think they got your number, Gloria." "I think I got your alias, Gloria and you been living under, ahaaaaa" "Mom!" " Hi, mom." "Hi, Julius." " Honey, you're home." "Grace, I always forget how beautiful you are." "Mom giveth." "Why do you have to cock it up with that hair?" "And Mom taketh away." "You must be Will." "Lovely to meet you." "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Adler." "You have a beautiful home." " Your interior decorator did a great job." " Oh, no no no no." "I did it myself." "No!" "It looks so professional." "Oh, aren't you a darling?" "Your mom's good." "No, you're good." "Say hello to Julius, my arranger." " Hi." " Hell-ooh." "So, Julius, what do we think about Will?" "I think where there's a Will, there's a way." "Isn't he clever?" "Why some woman has never snatched him up is beyond me." " Where's daddy?" " Uh, he's in Connecticut." "Grandma Rose threatened to die." "Joyce, your sister's here!" "Big whup!" "You get down here or I'll knock you till Tuesday!" " Would you like a little juice?" " I'm fine, thanks." "Hi, Joyce." "Don't you be all nice just 'cause your boyfriend's here." "I know that you stole my poncho, you skank." "Uh, Joyce, hi." "I-I'm Will." "Grace showed me that drawing of a unicorn you did at, uh," "Camp Yes-I-Can." "Yeah, it was beautiful." "I wish I could draw like that." "It's no big deal." " You've an older sister don't you?" "Janet?" " No." "Why don't you two go on upstairs and put your things down." "Joyce, you'll stay down here." "Will, you'll stay in Joyce's room." "Grace, you'll stay in your room." "What?" "No, Will's gonna sleep in my bedroom with me." " No, no, no, he isn't." " Grace, it--it's fine." "Nooooo!" "Nooooo!" "Mom, you can't do that." "This is so unfair." "Well, so's my cottage cheese ass, but..." "Why is that always your answer for everything?" "Will and I are adults." "We've been going out for nearly three months now," " and I think that we should have" " Grace!" "we only have two rules in this house." "Number one:" "boys and girls don't sleep in the same bedroom, unless they're married." "And Will, always light matches in the bathroom after poopie-doos." "So, then, we have dinner, and we look at a zillion pictures of a nude 2-year-old Grace riding the family dog." "Oh, you like that do ya?" "Well, maybe you'd like a little of this, huh?" "Yeah, you do, don't ya?" "Huh, huh?" "Karen, what are you do" " Are you-- Are you flashing that woman?" "!" "She started it." "She's nursing." "Hmm." "That explains the little bald man." "Anyway, later that night, I'm getting ready for bed, I figure, now I'm safe." "Aahh!" "What--what..." "Shh." "Shh." "Relax." " What are you doing here?" " Nothing." "Wha--you shouldn't be here, you know." "We're gonna get in trouble." "Not if we're quiet." "But if you play your cards right, I might not be." "What are you suggesting?" "Well, you, me..." "A bed..." "I thought that we might..." "Don't make me say it." "Grace, I don't know." " Mmm." "Come on." "What are we waiting for?" " Well, I'm just" " I'm kind of tired." "All that turkey..." "Made me sleepy." "Really?" "'Cause it made me horny." " J-J-Just a sec." " But I said I was horny." "Just a minute, I--I think those new potatoes weren't so new." "Oh, poor baby." "The matches are under the macramé turtle." "Thank you." "Mom, phone!" "Mom!" "Su-su-sussudio." "Hi, Jack, it's-- it's Will Truman." "Oh, right, from Queens College?" "No, I go to Columbia." "Missy, anywhere you go is Queens College." "Yeah, oh" " You know what?" "That" " That's why I called." "You know, what you said really bugged me." "I am not gay." "Mom!" "There's chicken on the rug!" "I was saying..." "That you--you know nothing about me, because if you did know me, you would know that I'm not gay." "Oh, yeah." "Now I get it." "Ahem." "You're in stage 3-- You've bought the short shorts, but you're afraid to put 'em on." "Yeah, put 'em on, Will." "Come on." "Put 'em on." "Stop saying that." "Ok?" "I am not" "You're gay, Will!" "Ok?" "You're gayer than the day is long." "You're Marvin Gaye." "And let me tell you somethin'" "Ain't no closet big enough." "This-- this is ludicrous." "We spent all of four minutes together." "Yeah, and in the first four seconds, I could tell that you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders..." "And about 20 extra pounds on your hips." "And why wouldn't you?" "It's a drag pretending to be something you're not." "Yeah, if I'm pretending, then how come I can't wait to get back in there and have sex with my girlfriend?" "Well, if you can't wait to get back in there and make muskrat love to your girlfriend, then why are you on the phone with me?" "Yeah, that's what I thought." "You're my new best friend." "Call me every five minutes." "Crap." "Why today?" "Hi, I was starting to get worried about" "What" " What" " What's with you?" "Let's have some sex." "Feel the heat." "Pushing you to decide" " Enough already!" " Shut up!" "You were losin' her." "I had to do somethin'." "But you know, for a sultan, dude knew how to party." "Later we did Jell-O shots with one of the guys from Hall and Oates." "Hall?" "Oates." "Back to my story." "Honey, I've got some bad news." "As much as I would love to be Mrs. Habibi Shoshani Padush Al-Kabir," "I'm afraid I can't marry you." "I'm just not in love with you." "I'm in love with another man." "Sure, he hasn't got your money, but I really think that with my help, we can make it work." "Just come back to my house in Fort Lee and make love with me one more time." "Sorry, sultan." "I'm a little emotionally drained." "I think I'm just gonna go home and cry myself to sleep." "Karen, where have you been?" "I've been lookin' all over for you, baby." "Oh, Clayton, I got some bad news." "I can't marry you." "I'm in love with another man." "But does he have my moxie?" "Can he make love to you all night long?" "Well, the way he does it, he makes it feel like it's all night long, but I really think with my help, we can make it work." "Karen, I don't know what to say." "I'll never meet another woman like you." "Oh..." "That's so true." "Listen, honey." "I'm emotionally drained." "I think I'm just gonna go home and cry myself to sleep." "Oh, Martina." "Karen, where have you been?" "I've missed you." "Oh, honey, listen." "I've got some bad news." "I can't marry you." "I'm in love with someone else." "But, Karen, I was straight before I met you." "Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, Marti." "Well, then who?" "And can she give you what I give you?" "You mean companionship, vitality, a sneaky drop shot?" "No, no." "No, he's a doughy thing with squat little legs and a bad case of recurring psoriasis, but..." "I love him, and with my help..." "Oh!" "Who am I kidding?" "I just love him." "Who knows why?" "I love Stanley Walker!" "Now that's a story!" "Ha ha!" "So Will comes back from the bathroom..." "Right." "So, Will comes out of the bathroom." "We start getting into it." "I take the lead, because you know, I've done it 3 1/2 times." " You're on my hair." " Oh, sorry." "Mmm, you feel so" " You're on my hair." " Sorry." "Sorry." " You just elbowed me in the eye." " I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Ok." "Just let me..." "Oh!" "Ok, that's it." "We're done with foreplay." "Come here." "Yeah." "Aah!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "What?" "Are you ok?" "Yeah." "I---I think we should wait." "Noooo!" "Why?" "Are we ready?" "This is a really big step, and I just" "I don't want to" " I want it to be right." "I don't want to rush into it." "Oh, my God." "Are you" " You are." "What?" "I mean, I sort of suspected it." "I mean, it certainly would explain a lot of" " Oh, no, no!" "Oh, no!" " Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no." "It's ok." "You don't have to feel bad." "My dad was one all through the army." "He" " What?" "You're a virgin." "Virgin, yes." "No!" "Oh, no!" "No, no, no, no." "I'm definitely not a virgin." "In fact, uh..." "I've been known to be something of a lady man--Ladies man!" "Ladies man." "Ha." "A man!" "You know." "Yeah." " Well...well, then why are we waiting?" " Because." "But why?" "Because I love you." "Oh, my God." "You are so sweet." "That's so like you to say it first." "I love you, too." " Ok, I have to have you right now." " Whoa!" "No!" "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "Hold--hold--hold!" " Didn't you hear me?" "I--I--I love you." " Yeah, yeah." "Love you, too." "Let's go." " Grace, Grace!" " What?" "just" " God!" "I think we really, really should wait." "Oh, but why?" "I mean, what are we doing?" " Are we waiting till we're married?" " Yes!" " Let's get married!" " What?" "Let's get married and let's wait till we get married." "You want to get married?" "Oh, my god!" "Will." "Yes, I will marry you, Will Truman." "Well, great!"