"Sunday. 9AM." "Na'ama" "You see?" "I told you." "What did you tell me?" "That you'll be sorry you encourage me to cry in therapy." "I'm not sorry at all." "You probably didn't think the first time I'd cry would look like this." "You know, it's a little disappointing." "I thought it would be more liberating." "More fun." "And it's not?" "No." "Really not." "It's terrible." "I don't know if I'll be able to talk, Reuven." "I..." "I shouldn't have come today, I should've canceled." "I'm sorry." "Would you like some tea?" "I've got herbal tea." "Do you know I just spent 4 hours here at the park?" "Here?" "Over at the..." "Yhea, I wanted to cancel, but..." "I didn't know if I could make it home." "I took a cab here, the car's at the house." "I think it's there." "Yhea, it's there." "I'm still freezing." "There was a moment I thought I'd knock and ask for a sweater." "When was this?" "Don't know." "Five..." "Six, I don't remember." "It was still dark." "I was waiting for the sun to come up." "I've never waited for a sunrise this badly." "Maybe except for the sixth grade, on a trip to Messada." "You know what I did?" "I held my phone and watched the minutes go by." "And at some point, I froze." "I just froze, and time froze, too." "And I thought how idiotic it would be to die on a carousel in front of my psychologist's house." "My head's killing me." "Did you had a lot to drink?" "Reuven, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come, I should've canceled." "I think you needed to come here." "To show yourself." "Like this, without filters, exposed." "Maybe you can try and tell me what happened?" "What happened?" "What didn't happen?" "Do you want the long version or the bottom line?" "Becasue the bottom line is simple:" "My life fell apart." "I want the long version." "I ran out on Avri." "We had a terrible fight." "Screams, cries, from both of us." "Everything." "And at one point I've called Alona, and we went drinking, and after a few..." "Listen!" "I'm not here, I'm really not here." "I feel like you ARE here." "No." "It's not me that's here." "Believe me, you'd be shocked by who's here." "I've done horrible things last night." "I feel so sick, I'm afraid I'll vomit." "And?" "What if you did?" "I'd rather die than vomit on your carpet." "The carpet isn't the issue here, I imagine." "No, the carpet isn't the issue." "So why does it seem like such a disaster to throw up in front of your shrink." "It's not in front of a shrink, but in front of you." "There's just no way." "There's no way you'd lose control in front of me?" "Yet here you are." "Drunk, waited outside." "You cried here for the first time." "I think you do you want lose control in front of me." "It's Avri." "He knows I'm here, why would he call?" "You were out all night, He's probably worried." "Right(!" ")." "If he was really worried he wouldn't have started this whole mess." "You know, I almost fucked someone?" "Just this guy, at the pub." "This guy, with corduroy pants." "A sweater and curly hair, looked like an orthodox." "Can it?" "I'll go outside, I'll just tell him I'm here  I just can't concentrate..." "Na'ama." "The phone call to Avri can wait." "He gave an ultimatum." "We either get married or we split up." "He said that if I don't give him an answer in two days, he'd leave." "He said he can't go on like this, that he loves me..." "That he doesn't believe really I loved him..." "Two years we were "on and off", So now it will be "on" or "off"." "I don't know where got this all of a sudden." "We talked about it, okay..." "We talked about wedding, kids, all that bullshit." "But only in theory, if we stayed together." "And then, 'out of the blue', last night I don't even remember what we did." "We were watching TV." "Then, he got up, took the remote, shut off the TV  Then I see he has tears in his eyes." "And he tells me: 'That's it, I can't do this anymore.'" "That's so wrong." "He promised he wouldn't pressure me, then started with this crying." "You know?" "He just broke out crying." "I've never seen him like this, and honestly?" "It really scared me." "It also made you furious." "Yhea." "What, he uses girly tricks on me?" "How rude, right?" "Yhea." "You'd expect it would make me sympathetic or something." "That I'd be motherly, and understanding, and coddling." "I went into a tantrum like some 3 year old." "I screamed, I cried." "I even sweared a little." "I told him he's a real shithead for doing this, when he know all week long I'm working double shifts." "I slammed doors, I kicked his laptop, it fell on the floor." "I called from the street to Alona." "She dressed me up, in this..." "You know..." "That's not even mine." "And she tried to calm me down, to get me to see things in perspective." "...Said she's actually really jealous of me." "That she wished she had someone who loved her so much that they'd give her ultimatums." "So we drank." "Mostly me." "And..." "This guy was sitting near us, at the bar." "At some point she said she was tired, that she has to get going." "And when she left..." "He came and set next to me." "You know what he told me?" "He told me..." "'You look so sad.'" "I told him... 'Yhea?" "'" "He said 'Yhea." "And it suits you'" "Suits you..." "What ever happened to "Sorry, do you have the time"?" "What happened to... .."Don't I know you from somewhere"?" "I guess I'm out of the game, Reuven." "What do you think?" "Does it suits me?" "The sadness?" "I don't even know how much I drank." "He paid for me." "He picked up the tab, paid  He asked me if I wanted to go somewhere." "I said "Yes, to the toilet"." "And went I got up, he followed me." "You wouldn't believe it, the toilets are..." "Unisex, you know?" "Yes." "Really?" "You do?" "You didn't strike as a party guy." "And.." "As he followed me into the toilet..." "I suddenly realized  What he was thinking." "When I said I wanted to pee, he understood that..." "And I realized I needed to make a choice." "That..." "This guy is also setting an ultimatum." "And I said 'FUCK, from the frying pan to the fire.'" "I escaped one ultimatum, and now this  Orthodox is standing with an erection." "And suddenly I wanted it." "I'd never fucked someone in the toilet." "What, I'm going to marry Avri without ever knowing what it's like to fuck in a toilet?" "That's what I told myself, that I'm doing this for my general knowledge." "Not in order to hurt Avri?" "Not as an answer for his ultimatum?" "Just for general knowledge?" "Yes." "Yes." "A girl's getting pressured into marriage..." "What other choice does she have, if she's doesn't want to die ignorant?" "And then he closed the door behind us  And it started to excite me in some way..." "Weird way" " You're disgusted by it..." "Does it turn you on?" "Keep going." "He opened his zipper and dropped down his..." "Pants and underpants and just stood there with a giant dick." "Or maybe it wasn't that huge, maybe because I only know Avri's" "So I reached out and touched it, and suddenly I felt like..." "Some 16 year old, who touches one for the first time, and I was really surprised at how bouncy it is." "And flexible." "Wow, big scoop, I didn't know that (!" ")" "And then he turned me around to face the door, and took off my..." "Pantyhose, and lifted up my skirt." "and stopped." "Then, pulled a condom out of his pocket." "I realized he was really skilled at this." "Really." "A true pro." "Does it disgust you, this story?" "No" "And then someone entered the stall next to ours, and started peeing, like..." "With really loud bursts." "And I was thinking about..." "Avri." "How he pees like that in the morning, exactly the same sound." "And..." "My heart flinched." "I don't know why, it was really stupid." "But,em..." "I got really, really, sad." "and he just stood behind me, kept going with his preparations, and I knew that any moment he going To get inside, and I couldn't so I just closed my legs." "I realized I just couldn't, that I just  Just couldn't do that to Avri." "I just..." "Could'nt." "Quite a story." "Yhea, and that's not all." "Because this idiot..." "Started negotiating with me." "I told him "I'm sorry, but I can't"" ""I have a boyfriend"." "And he told me "Okay, so what?"" "And grabbed my hands, as if to say "What's with you?" "Calm down"." "He said "Sweetie, you think you can just run off now, and leave me... like that?", and he pointed to his dick." "He told me..." ""At least make it up to me."" "So I told him "What do you want?" "Money?"" "He said "Give me a hand job, and we'll part as friends"." "I said "Are you crazy?"" ""What's with you?"" "And truth is I was getting nervous, because I realized something bad is happening." "And I started thinking about you." "What you'd say about it." "I pictured us talking about it in treatment." "What did you imagine us talking about?" "I imagined that you wouldn't want to hear it." "That you'll be disgusted." "And still you immediately came here." "Like it was important for you to disgust me." "You just ran out of this guy, right into my office..." "I didn't run, I gave him a hand job." "Don't ask me why I did it." "I don't know." "I'm not asking you." "I haven't even washed my hands." "This shit is still all over my hand." "Na'ama?" "Everything's okay?" "Yhea." "Better?" "I want to understand something." "When I listened your story about the pub, I was so swept away  That your entire talk with Avri took a back seat." "Where it belongs." "He was so miserable." "I don't like being in that position." "I don't want this power." "I don't" "Do you know the reason for Avri's timing?" "What do you mean?" "Don't know, it seems kind of weird, that Avri, all of a sudden "Out of the blue", like you've said, just drop this ultimatum on you." "Can you think, maybe there was something, in the recent days or weeks that could've led to this?" "Nothing." "He just lost it." "Come on, don't you know that men became the new women?" "He's all hung up on marriage and children." "Also lately, he lost all grip with reality." "He thinks I'm seeing someone." "Funny, right?" "That's where it all began." "It all started from that." "You said it started from nothing." "That you were watching TV." "Yhea, we did." "But before that, during supper..." "We had this weird conversation." "And I saw that he was cooking something up..." "He was getting that sad face that I know, and I asked what's wrong." "And he said "I don't know what I want, I just don't want this on and off thing"." "So I've told him "Let's decide this arbitrarily."" "Either we get married, or we split." "So you were the one who said it." "What?" "You were the one who formed the ultimatum." "No..." "He's the one who said..." "He's the one who said he was tired from the on and off." "Not me." "But 'on and off' isn't something solid." "It's a state of mind." "It's a lot of things..." "And you've taken it to a specific place." "Either wedding, or breakup." "Could it be that you also gave him that deadline?" "of an answer within 2 days?" "No, no, no." "He jumped on this ultimatum, that..." "Okay, you're right, I came up with." "But he jumped on it." "I told him I don't know, and he said that if I don't decide within a day or two... then he'll leave." "Then he started crying." "Like he got scared from his own sentence." "And you?" "Weren't you scared of it?" "Of what?" "What happened?" "Form the idea of breaking up." "But it wasn't even the idea." "It wasn't even the point." "It wasn't the purpose of.." "Of what?" "Of the argument that you initiated?" "I didn't initiated it." "Maybe you didn't know you were initiating it, but that is what you did." "It seems like you wanted to get the relationship to a state of conflict." "Avri may be the one who keeps talking about the uncertainty." "But I think you're the one who can't live with it." "Why was it so important for you now to tackle this... uncertainty?" "Because he's right." "Avri's right." "I am cheating on him." "So, you still see last night as a betrayal." "Not last night." "I've been cheating on him for a long time." "It's interesting that you've never brought it up here." "I brought it here." "It's here all the time." "You mean to say you haven't felt it?" "You're like..." "Surprised, or something..." "Surprised of what?" "I'm not really sure I understand..." "This really wasn't the response I wanted." "Really not." "What did you want?" "I had two scenarios in my head:" "In the first, you get off your chair." "You hug me, and say "Me too..." "I love you too, Na'ama!"" "I've suspected it a long time, but I wasn't sure." "I wanted you to say it"" "And then we fuck on the couch." "And the second one?" "The second is like the first, but without the fuck." "Listen, this is so..." "It's embarrassing to talk about it." "You're acting like you didn't know." "It's very humiliating." "How long..." "How long have you been feeling like this?" "A year." "Since the first session." "I thought it will go away." "That it's just an infatuation, but.." "It only gotten worse." "You've become the center of my life." "You know..." "It accored to me that this is just another way for you to escape the ultimatum." "I am your therapist." "The rules are clear." "I am really, an un-realistic option." "But still, a way for you to wiggle out of your relationship with Avri." "You know, now I understand why I didn't fuck that orthodox guy." "Not because of Avri." "No.." "Not because I didn't want to cheat on him." "I wanted to." "But with you." "When I was sitting there alone." "At the bar  I imagined what it would be like if you'd walk in." "If you set at the bar." "Order a drink..." "I even assumed what you will order." "Maybe a whiskey." "Something pricey." "And then we start talking." "How awkward it is to meet outside of the office." "And then, with no words Because we've already talked so much here..." "You signal me to follow you into the toilets, and I do." "And when I entered with that guy to the stall, I really thought it was you behind me." "And that's what made it exciting." "And then this guy started peeing next to us, and it woke me." "And I suddenly realized this is..." "That it's impossible, that it can't be possible in any way." "I know it." "I'm telling myself this every time." "Everytime I leave here." "I know, I understand." "I'm just... not sure my body understands." "What do you understand?" "I understand that you're my shrink." "I understand that it can't happen." "I know it." "I'm not gonna show up at your home." "I'm not..." "Glenn Close from that movie." "I'm not..." "I'm not gonna cook your children's rabbit." "I'm not dangerous." "Not to you, anyway." "How will I go home?" "To the hospital?" "Avri, no Avri." "When the only thing I care about is you?" "Nothing else matters to me." "Not really." "It doesn't matter to the tiny parts of my body that know it's wrong." "That it's impossible." "What are you feeling now?" "I feel like I came here at darkness  and I'm leaving here to an even bigger darkness." "A darkness of..." "I don't know what I'm going to do now." "We're out of time." "Yes." "You want to order a cab from here?" "No, I'll just.." "I'm okay." "How will you get home?"