"Anything I need to know about this Indian delegation?" "First of all, sir, it's native american." "And everything you need to know is right here on these cards." "I've often wondered if Indian children played cowboys and indians." "I believe they did, sir, but they call it "for God's sake, would you please stop killing us?"" "This is an honor, chief awatha." "Or Phil." "This is mayor Randall Winston." "Pleasure to meet you, chief..." "Phil." "You know, I've been studying a bit of history." "You are descendants of the punsee tribe." "That's right, mr." "Mayor." "You were a hostile people..." "Known for your aggression towards settlers." "Maybe we should get to the presentation." "On behalf of the punsee nation, we present this ceremonial bowl to the city of new York." "This is beautiful." "Did you find it when you were searching for some ancient burial site?" "Actually, sir, they were breaking ground for a new casino." "6 levels of nickel slots." "You guys are probably gonna make enough money on that deal to buy back Manhattan." "I'm glad you find the theft of our land so amusing." "the punsees are a humorless people." "Carter, as always," "I appreciate your initiative." "Programming our computers to automatically replace the word Black with the more politically correct African-american- that was-that's just smart thinking." "Something should have been done long ago." "Yeah." "I'm holding in my hand one of 1,000 invitations that went out for the mayor's press corps dinner next week." "It's obviously a formal event, because..." "African-american tie is required." "Oh, no." "I'm wearing a jacket given to me by nipsy Russell." "Between this and that native american incident, you gotta watch what you say around here." "Seems like I'm the only one not shooting my mouth off like some gossipy hysterical woman." "I'm gonna go over to chief Phil's, make sure he wasn't offended." "Anyone wanna come with me?" "All right, Carter." "We'll go right after work." "Why didn't you pick me, Mike?" "You never pick me for anything." "That's not true." "When I was out of town that week, who did I have collect my mail?" "James, I'm sure the only reason Mike is taking me is because I, like the punsees, am a member of an oppressed minority." "Minority?" "You're Black and you're gay." "You cover 2/3rds of the earth's surface." "You're like water." "All right." "Finally, we had a little problem last night with the number 12 train to Brooklyn." "Mike, number 12 train doesn't go to Brooklyn." "Yeah, well, tell that to Ralph shindlebeck out in flatbush." "The front car is in his living room." "The post says the conductor was using drugs." "Let's put it this way, James." "When the cops showed up, he was trying to drag the train out of the living room by himself." "Because this conductor is a city employee, they're dredging up that thing that happened last month with that guy from accounting." "He was on drugs?" "Yeah, James." "His last quarterly report said we were 4 kilos over budget." "As a preemptive strike, I have decided that all of the mayor's staff should take drug tests." "before we get into this, does anybody have anything that they would like to confess?" "Because believe me, now is the time." "O.k., I admit it." "I'm on the 'roids." "Is anybody taking any drugs that are working?" "Hi." "I'm Abby lassiter, Paul's mother." "Hiya, ma." "Oh." "I can see the resemblance in the, uh..." "The last name." "I'll get my coat." "Mrs. Lassiter, so lovely to see you." "You are a vision." "Now, Stuart, remember our rule?" "1o feet." "I'm all done." "Whoever has to go to the bathroom next, just fill out the proper forms with this young Lady right here." "Oh, my." "Paul said you ran an efficient office." "Good to see you, mrs." "Lassiter." "And I suppose congratulations are in order on Paul's engagement." "What do you mean?" "Yeah, I know." "None of us can believe it either." "Paul, are you engaged?" "No!" "No, I would never make a life decision like that without talking to you." "Mike says you are." "Give me a second." "How on earth could you not tell your mother you're engaged?" "Don't let it be that horrible Claudia woman." "Once again, chief, the mayor and I would like to apologize for yesterday's unfortunate misunderstanding." "We'd like you to come down to city hall, and we thought that we'd all take the bowl down to the museum of natural history together." "I don't know, mr." "Flaherty." "You can't just pacify us with some hollow ceremony." "We feel- we'll plug the new casino." "Done." "Why don't you stay, and we'll celebrate our new agreement?" "We'd be honored." "Setting sun, would you pass the bowl around the circle?" "Thanks." "Oh, no, wait!" "We don't drink that." "Then you don't know what you're missing." "This is good." "It's tangy, it's delicious." "It's..." "Peyote." "That's not good." "I was just passing it around as a ceremonial bonding." "We only consume that on our land." "Isn't that illegal?" "Not for members of the punsee nation." "How do I become a member of that organization?" "Don't worry." "You'll be fine..." "For about 14 minutes." "Mike, we should get you home." "If you wish, you could lie down here for a while and maybe join us for dinner tomorrow." "I like Indian food." "Not your Indian food- the kind with the curry." "Hey, how come you guys don't have any restaurants in town?" "You should do that, because people love..." "Corn." "Mike!" "I" " I-I-I know." "Maize." "We're gonna leave." "Yeah." "Well, thanks- thanks again for- for your hospitality, Phil..." "Setting." "I don't believe you're here." "You swallowed half a bowl of a powerful hallucinogen." "Carter, I was in a situation where drugs were present." "I got out of there as quickly as I could, but not before ingesting a small amount." "Of course, off the record, before bed, I'm pretty sure" "I brushed my teeth with peanut butter." "And this morning on my nightstand there was a piece of paper on which I'd written" ""once bread becomes toast, it can never go back to being bread again. "" "There are you." "I'm afraid one of the technicians at the lab had a breakdown yesterday." "I'm so sorry, but we'll need to get another urine sample." "Well, great." "O.k." "Why don't you wait for me in the bathroom?" "Carter, quick." "How long does it take for a hallucinogen to get out of your system?" "6 to 8 weeks." "Somebody get that nurse a chair." "I made all that stuff up." "The truth is I ran out on Claudia." "It's my fault." "So you're not a coke mule for the cali cartel?" "Paul, I told you not to watch cinemax at night." "It gives you ideas." "And she never blew your life savings on the ponies?" "And I'm guessing she doesn't burn your grilled cheese sandwiches every time." "Paulie, I thought you liked them that way." "Oh, I can't keep up with the lies." "Just tell me-are you two really engaged?" "Ma?" "Yes?" "I want you to be strong when you hear this." "Your little boy's getting married." "When your father passed away, you were 18 years old, and promised myself then that I would never date another man until you were married." "Obviously I had no idea it would take this long." "All right, my specimen is signed, sealed, and delivered." "This is not good." "They're gonna test it, they're gonna find the drugs, and who are they gonna think gave it to you?" "They'll go straight to the Italian girl." "Relax, o. k.?" "Stuart helped me switch the specimen." "How'd you pull that off?" "Well, let's just say that any time anyone wants to ask" "James' magic 8-ball a question, the answer is gonna be, "ask again later, 'cause I'm filled with urine. "" "Mike?" "I broke the punsee bowl." "It was an unavoidable accident." "How'd you do that, sir?" "I was spinning it on a stick and it fell." "Those things happen." "Those Indian american natives are not gonna be happy." "Well, the good news is, sir, you're dangerously close to being politically correct." "We have to fix this thing, Mike." "It's my scalp on the line." "Sir, as your head of minority affairs," "I have to tell you that could be construed as racially insensitive." "Oh, give me a break, Carter!" "I'm under a lot of stress here." "We smoke-um peace pipe some other time!" "Mike, the nurse just called." "Said the test results would be back in the morning." "Great." "Oh, listen." "Hey, I wanna thank whoever it was who provided me with my sample." "Finally I get recognized for something." "It was you?" "It was yours?" "I was the only one who had to go." "Wait... is that- is that o. k.?" "The only thing they're gonna find is aspirin and maybe the occasional antihistamine." "Oh." "And you don't think that my birth control pills will cause a problem, do you?" "No, I'm sure my gynecologist can explain that." "This is serious." "They're gonna think somebody tampered with the sample." "Mike, you did tamper with the sample." "Can't you just tell them that you're taking estrogen?" "Why?" "What am I, like that- that-that she-man up in accounting?" "Who?" "You know, Sherry..." "Big-hands Sherry." "I just had a thought." "Would you share it with me?" "Why on earth would Nikki be taking birth control pills?" "Sometimes a girl carries an umbrella just in case it rains." "Well, I'd sell that umbrella and stock up on sunscreen, 'cause the forecast calls for another year of drought." "Stuart, the condom in your wallet is so old, it could have been used by actual trojans." "Is anybody gonna help me out here?" "Anyone at all?" "This is exactly what I'm talking about." "You don't let me help." "You treat me like I'm a little kid." "O.k., fine." "Come with me." "I'm not a kid." "I know you're not a kid, James." "And, James?" "I'll race you to the parking lot." "Gets him tired out." "That way he sleeps in the car." "I've got a bull's horn." "I've got a cow's ass." "Join a gym." "It was an accident." "Think the indians are really gonna be that mad?" "No, no, no." "They're not indians, Stuart." "They're native americans." "It's not just about words." "These are the names that- that define a people." "You-you wanna choose how you're looked at by the world." "You don't want it thrust upon you by someone else." "Did you hear the one about the 2 proud polish-americans who were the backbone of the industrial age despite being oppressed by the northern european majority?" "I love that one." "You're a jackass." "What about respecting my heritage?" "I am." "I'm sure you come from a long line of jackasses." "I hope they don't see those cracks." "Yeah, or else they might make it rain inside your office." "sorry, Carter." "Jackass." "This is so cool." "Mike, I feel like James Bond." "I like my Martinis shaken, not stirred." "Watch your head." "What?" "aaggghhh!" "So where do you think these samples are?" "They must be in the refrigerator." "Hey, can I get you a cold one?" "We have every kind of domestic, and if you feel like an import, there's always hans from the mail room." "And there I am." "Mike Flaherty." "From this day forward," "I shall no longer be on the birth control pill." "Hell, I may throw caution to the wind and get rid of my diaphragm too." "Mike, if you dump your sample, you're gonna have to replace it." "Why do you think I bought you 3 big gulps on the way over here?" "I thought we were bonding." "Fill 'er up." "Come on, let's go." "what?" "It's cold in here." "It's only 28 days till your wedding." "You got your eye on a special mother- of-the-groom dress?" "You should be looking for one that says," ""I'm proud of my little boy." "I love my new daughter-in-law, and gentlemen, I am in play. "" "Maybe you could give me some advice." "How do you attract men these days?" "Oh, come on." "You mean to tell me you didn't shake it when you were young?" "Please!" "The only thing my mother ever shook was a handful of dice on yahtzee night." "It's true." "I didn't really date much before I met Paul's father." "Growing up, my 2 sisters got all the boys." "How could that be?" "They put out." "Oh, aunt janette and aunt Leone put out!" "Oh, God, this is the worst day of my life." "You just need to hang out your "open for business" sign." "You know, loosen up." "Take off your jacket." "O.k." "O.k. That'll do it." "Anything yet?" "Mike, I can't go if you keep pressuring me." "O.k., o. k." "You know, if you don't go, I could lose my job." "Mike!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "You know, my mom used to sing me a song when she wanted me to pee." "That explains so much." "# Hush, little Jamie, it won't take long # # mama's gonna sing you the pee pee song #" "# use your little potty, it'll be fun # # you'll get a treat if you go number one #" "so is it working?" "Someone else has to sing." "# Hush, little Jamie #" "# it won't take long #" "# Mikey's gonna sing you #" "# the pee pee song #" "# use your little potty # # it'll be fine... # fun, Mike." "All right, that's it!" "o. k., come on." "Let's get out of here." "Are you sure?" "'Cause this is helping." "Mr. Mayor, you remember chief Phil?" "Mr. Mayor, thank you for having us back." "Well, it's an honor to have you back." "Well... here's your bowl." "you broke it." "Yes, we did." "Most people would have tried to glue it back together and pass it off." "We did that too." "I can't express how- how sorry we are." "We know it's an ancient Indian artifact- native american, sir." "I'll be honest." "I'm an Indian, and I get tired of all this political correctness." "Everybody's walking on eggshells." "Well, chief, you don't have to worry about that with me." "Well, good, because I had you pegged as some kind of uptight w. a. s. p." "You see, Carter?" "Actually, I'm a lutheran." "Well, that's a w. a. s. p." "Well, then." "Good call." "Just say it, Mike." "You trusted me, and I let you down." "James, it's not your fault." "Are you kidding me?" "We never made the switch, all 'cause I couldn't deliver in the clutch." "What about last month when the mayor announced that task force on teenage prostitution?" "You came up with a slogan for us in 5 minutes." "Mike, I borrowed that from the cereal commercial." "Really? "Tricks aren't for kids. "" "I screwed up, like always." "Stop it." "I'm a failure, and I need to hear you say that." "What do you wanna hear?" "No, you are not always great under pressure." "You are definitely not my go-to guy." "I can't believe you said that." "fine, fine, I will talk to him." "Mr. Flaherty?" "This is very embarrassing." "We had another problem with your sample." "Somehow it got lost." "What do you people think, that I go to the bathroom every day?" "Whenever you're ready." "I can't do this." "There's still gonna be drugs in my system." "Here you go, Mike." "I'm clean." "I filled it up this morning." "For fun." "You know, in second grade" "I did that in the little girl's room." "They made me go see a special doctor." "With the incident at the lab, we're tightening up security." "I also have to make sure that no one tries to smuggle a clean sample in." ""Not likely. "" "You know, I consider us friends, jan." "June." "June." "And as a friend, what-what if I were to swear to you that I'm not a narcotics user, but-but there's a very valid reason why I couldn't do this right now?" "Good job." "Your Boss asked me to test you." "You passed with flying colors." "You know, I'd invite you in, but I think my parents are home." "Mr. Flaherty." "I know, I know." "Yes!" "You are my go-to guy!" "Mr. Flaherty, who are you talking to?" "Sorry." "Sometimes he needs a little encouragement." "Oh." "You are the man, little Buddy." "I am so proud of you." "I'll wait outside." "I want you to stand up and take a bow." "You're grown up." "You found a wonderful woman to share your life with, and..." "It's time for me to find someone." "Don't you want your mom to have the same happiness that you and I have?" "You have my blessing." "O.k., David, come on over." "Paul, I'd like you to meet my new friend." "Happy to meet you." "It's gonna be a long time before I can accept anyone, ma." "He's a millionaire, Paul." "Hi, pop." "Sit, ubu, sit." "Good dog." "moo."