"#A man can walk proudly down in the street" "#A man's not ashamed of what he believes" "#He knows how to laugh He knows when to cry" "#He knows how to live He's not afraid to die" "# What is a man?" "What is a man?" "#" "I'm sorry..." "I..." "I'm so sorry..." "I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm so very, very sorry." "Mind the hole." "Morning." "Oh, morning', love." "In the starting blocks, then?" "Well, you know." "Have you had your breakfast?" "No, why?" "Which do you think?" "I mean, the four centimetre or the seven?" " Does it matter?" " Of course it matters, love." "I mean, this job, it's not just like sellin' rolls of carpet," "I mean... it's proper." "I think the seven." "I'll get your toast on." "Hey, Len, you will speak to Hope, won't you, before you go off?" "Gloria." "It'll sort itself out." "These things always do." " Len!" " All right." " I'll talk to her." " Poor thing." "She was looking so pale last night at dinner..." "Four hours ago." "Len!" " It's one o'clock in the morning!" " Is it?" "Oh, yeah." "Why didn't you say something when I?" "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm..." "I'm just making sure everything's, you know... so I can hit the ground running." "That's all." "No, I'm fine." "Go back to sleep." "I'm done." "I do love you, Len." "#I love you" "# Cos the April breeze" "#I... #" ""Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss, though winning near the goal."" "Goal?" "That's appropriate, him being a footballer." " Mum!" " Stop it, both of you!" " She's trying to push me over the edge." " Push you?" "You're wandering round with an item of bedroom linen strapped to your belly." "Hope, you're the psychiatric equivalent of a stage diver." "Charity!" " What's going on?" " Nee-naw, nee-naw." "Good God, it's Bela Lugosi." "Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw." "What is it with that kid?" " (DOORBELL RINGS)" " I'll get it." " Tell her, Len." " What?" "With Alan." " It's gonna be fine." " Oh, it'll be all right, yeah." "Ooh, do you really think so, Dad?" "I mean, as a man, do you?" "Cos I can't tell, can I?" "I can't understand." "Look, Hope, I'd love to talk to you about it, but I've got a lot on me mind this morning, you know, with all this." "Da-dah!" "Delivery for Hope." "Put 'em on the side." "Here, Hope." "That's a hat-trick." " (SWITCHES MUSIC ON)" " Charity, come back here." "Charity!" "Charity, come back here, Charity!" " Look, Hope..." " (DOORBELL RINGS)" "That'll be Carl." "I'll talk to you later." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" " All right, Len?" " Where's the dogs?" "Don't worry about them." "Stick close by." "They seem to like me." "A bit of a lick does the trick." " You certainly look the part." " First impressions, Carl." " First impressions." " Start as you mean to go on, Len." "This is it, which is why your maiden trip to the funeral parlour ought to be undertaken in something similarly stylish." "You've had the Lotus fixed." "Oh, that is lovely." "Been working on it all weekend." "Decent valet and we can forget all about the gross dereliction of duty that got it concertinaed in the first place, Carl." "CASSETTE PLAYER:" "#I love you" "# That's the most... #" "That's lovely, Carl." "Very good." "Runnin' like a dream." "You can take her from here." "Pick us up about six o'clock." "Yeah, actually, Len, Mickey was saying about that." "Wants you to know he won't be charging." "What?" "Well, now you're not part of things, me ferryin' you around." " Says it'd be reasonable..." " You, here, six o'clock." "It's all right, Len." "You're bound to be a bit tense, nervous, you know, first day." "I'm not nervous, Carl." "I'm just givin' the moment due reverence." "That's all." "Actually, Len, There was something else." "LEN:" "Pallbearers?" "For free." "And between jobs, absolutely at my disposal." "Have you any idea how much the casual pallbearer costs to hire, Leonard?" "Yeah, but, I mean, look at 'em." "If ever there was a sight to hasten the shuffling off of the mortal coil!" "Oi, Len, this suit's made to measure." "Yes, Oy, and, traditionally, it's the same bloke they measure that gets to wear it." " And you, Carl, you should have told me." " I never got a chance." "I don't know why you're being like this." "Because Mickey set this whole thing up in order to try and keep his claws in me." " No..." " No, Len." "But if that's the way he wants to play it, fine." "This is still day one of a new beginning as far as I'm concerned." "And I intend to carry on full steam ahead, with or without the Brothers Grimm." "So, Uncle Irwin - modus operandi?" "Show us the ropes." "It is in that room the bereaved can say their final goodbyes." "Now, the vehicles remain here when not in use, for cleaning, fettling..." "Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?" "I've always wanted to drive one of these." " Now, the masonry area..." " What is it, is it a straight-6 or a V6?" " What?" " The motors?" " What are they running?" " I have no idea." "They do theirjob, that's all I know." "Masonry yard." "For the last time, undertaking is more than adoration of classic cars, as is evidenced in the nerve centre of our operation." "As you know, this is the workshop and preparation suite." "It is in this room that we construct our caskets." "Oy, Irwin, they're dead plush inside, aren't they?" "Hand-stitched, Oy, makes all the difference." "Additionally, it is here that we prepare the deceased." "Luckily enough, we have a body in and ready to receive our attention." "Here, hang on, Irwin." "What do you mean, receive our attention?" "You just lift 'em into a coffin and bury 'em, don't you?" " Or burn 'em." " Yeah, or burn 'em." "Not entirely, Carl." "First of all, the cadaver needs be drained." "MAN:" "If you're sure she'll be there, Mrs Green, I'll come." "Of course I will." "Right, well, I'll leave it to you, then, shall I?" "Gentlemen, this is an undertaker's." "A certain amount of contact with dead bodies is to be expected." "Are you all right, Leonard?" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, fine." "Just all this gear." "You know, the stuff of nightmares, isn't it?" "I'm all right." "Are you all right, Rabbit?" "As for that aorta business - blood out, pickling fluid in..." " CARL:" "Oh, God." "Here we go." "...you make it sound like an oil change." "I'm over the worst." "I'm always like that." "React badly at first and then..." "I'm fine." "IRWIN:" "Carl, for heaven's sake!" "If you don't like it, don't look." "In any case, you must remember, for the most part, you three will be dealing with a body only when it is ready for transit!" "It's just Leonard, I'm afraid, will have to get to grips with a..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Understood, Uncle Irwin, and..." "I'll bet there's a real art to lifting' those coffins into the back of a hearse, isn't there?" "Come on, boys." "Outside, look and learn." "Steady on!" "Idiot!" "God!" "Can you flex 'em, Len?" "IRWIN:" "You see, technically, that wouldn't count as together." ""One, two, three, lift."" "Had you all gone on "lift", that would have been together." "It wasn't me." "I went at the right time." "It was Rabbit - he's innumerate." "IRWIN:" "Gentlemen, if you could take up your positions in the support car." "Remember what we spoke about earlier." "The three Ds - decorum," " dignity and?" " Disease." "Decency." "Decency, Oy." "Come on, we should go." "Well, you pay peanuts..." "Or, in this case, nothing at all." "Thank you, Leonard." "Come along." "What - is this it?" "First one?" " I just said so." " Good." "Good." "First day of the rest of my life." "There you go." "You're getting tears all over Posh Spice." "Hope, I'm worried about you." "It's never..." "Normally, I mean, you and Alan, by now, you'd have sorted it." "He's asked you to marry him!" "Hope, please." "Talk to me, please." "Look at her." "Why ain't it like that for me, Mum?" "Smug cow." "Oh, don't cry, Hope." " I hate it, you like this..." " Oh, sorry, Mum." "Really, only..." "I'm not like Faith..." "or Charity... or Chastity." "They're cleverer than me and they want to achieve things." "And all I've ever wanted is someone to whisk me off my feet and marry me and have kids with me." "And I know a lot of people would say that there's more to life than that." "And... and I'm sure there is." "Only I'm not interested in it." "Well, that's why you've gotta talk to him, Hope." "Sort it out." "He's such a great boy, Alan." "He doesn't love me!" "Oh!" "Of course he does." "You think he'd be sendin' you all them flowers if..." "Well, how come he's never said so, then?" "In all the time we've been together, he's never, ever said, "I love you."" "Of course he loves you." "I need to hear it, Mum." "From his own lips." "I need to hear the words." "IRWIN:" "Around the graveside itself, and especially in earshot of the mourners, Leonard." " (ENGINE BACKFIRES)" " Company policy." " LEN:" "Good God!" " What?" "Well, it's drivin' a bit rough, isn't it?" " It's perfectly fine." " Oh, come on, Uncle Irwin." "Engines I do know about, and by the sound of it, this one's ready for the knacker's yard." " (ENGINE BACKFIRES)" " Rubbish." "Just needs a little while to warm up, that's all." "(ENGINE HISSES)" "You could fry eggs on that engine." "And it still isn't working." " Have you checked the oil?" " It's had it." " You need a new one." " It'll recover." "Just going through a lean spell at the moment." "Going through a lean spell?" "Uncle Irwin, look at it." "How do you expect to run a successful business with a car like this?" "I've managed splendidly until now, thank you very much, with no problems whatsoever when I was at the wheel." " I hope you're not sayin' what I think." " Statement of fact, nothing more." "I've never, ever run a car into the ground in my entire life." " Behold." " Because you need a new one." "Oy, Irwin, they keep askin' me what's happenin'." "They're gettin' a bit jittery." "Well, we've got to be there by 12 o'clock." "Or thereabouts, presumably." "It's not a drop-in centre, Leonard." "My God, over 40 years operating a lone concern, never once late for a funeral." "Precisely." "You've earned a bit of leeway, haven't you?" "There is no such thing - not in a proper business, Leonard." "Never late is reliable." "Once late is unreliable." "Our reputation will be tarnished forever." "Look, it's, er... it's no distance." "We'll take him on foot." "It's all pretty straightforward." "You just turn right there, keep going and it's on the left." "You can't miss it." "Cheers, then." "At least if they get there before us, they'll have a chance to soak up the atmosphere a bit." "IRWIN:" "There's a short cut across the rec." "Nobody there this time of day." "Is this your idea of servin' the community, Uncle Irwin?" "Leonard, now is the time to pull together, not to rock the boat." "Keep in step." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "(# Theme From Midnight Cowboy)" "Good kick." "(PANTING)" " He's having another one." " Hold up." "Hold up." "Put her down." "And we thought them slabs of beef was heavy, oy, Len?" "That haute-couture place we robbed turned out to be an abattoir." "Gentlemen, gentlemen, what is wrong?" " He's havin' an attack." " Have another shot, Oy, you'll be fine." "Never mind that." "Where's your Dunkirk spirit?" "Lyin' ruined by the side of the road, next to a clapped-out hearse." "In your own time, Oy." "Onwards." "Come on, Oy." "Right." "One, two, three." "Good." "We've made it." "Yes." "The family are just arriving." "Come on, gentlemen." "That's it." "Now, I'll go on ahead, gentlemen." "You wait here." "Give yourselves a couple of minutes, gather yourselves, then bring in the coffin." "Try not to sweat on the floral tributes." "Get off, Oy." "Oh, what is that?" "It's Maurie Rosenthal's motor." "He's won prizes for it." "Yeah, I don't supp..." "It's a Roller, isn't it?" "Oh, that was gorgeous." "Now, that was a hearse!" "That is the car to be seen in." "Never mind, Len." "I'll make sure we get ours back on the road..." "Will you stop that, Carl?" "I'd forgotten this about you, while I was inside." "That irritating way you have - that unless I walk around with a rictus grin on my face, you take it upon yourself to chip in and turn on the good cheer." "I didn't mean it." "Well, you've gotta realise, you're only here to satisfy Mickey's criminal whims, but it's my future we're talking about." "Now, come on, that's long enough." "Let's get it in there." "Come on." "One, two, three." "What do you mean, he's gone off you?" "It's like I said - he just doesn't like me any more." "Carl, haven't we got rather more important things to discuss?" "Please, Mickey, I'm down for a punishment beating first thing tomorrow morning." " I've gotta prepare meself." " I don't care." " Didn't he weaken at all?" " No." "Not even when Oy mentioned the abattoirjob." "Well, you just gotta keep on at him." "Remind him of his glory days here." " He'll buckle eventually." " Oh, Mickey..." "All right, what happened?" "Well, it was nothing specific." "It's just, generally, I annoy him, just..." "you know, being around him." "Well, that's simple, then." "You've gotta be John Wayne to Len's Claire Trevor." "Stagecoach." "John - or you - loves Claire" " Len, obviously." "Only how's he - you - gonna win her affection" " Len's, that is?" "(IMITATES JOHN WAYNE) By showing you're not like all the others on the stagecoach, of course." "You're gentle, sensitive." "Which is not somethin' that Claire, a Wild Western prostitute of some years' busy service, is used to from the average passenger on that particular charter." "In the same way that Len, more familiar with hairy-arsed criminals, a house full of screaming' women and a workplace stuffed to the gunnels with dead people, will not be used to the little kindnesses and common courtesies" "you can start showin' him." "D'you see?" "Well..." "Seduce him, Carl, get under his skin, until the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world is you standing by his right-hand side." "Now, sod off!" "(SIREN WAILS OUTSIDE)" "Hearse, hearse, hearse." "Hearse." "Hearse." "Wedding snaps." "Footie boots." "Ah, the thing itself." "Len." "You told me to throw these away." "Look, there's one exactly the same." "Len, I need to talk to you about Hope." "I'm worried." "Yeah." "I know you do, but it's gotta be later." "I'm sorry, I've got to rush." " Well, when are you coming back?" " I don't know." "The hearse." "Yeah, Roller." "It's just that I prefer the phrase "back issue", rather than "out of date"." "You have?" "What state's that in, then?" "That's not a restoration - that's a resurrection!" "Jesus would struggle to get that back up and running." "Well, so am I. Goodbye." " All right, Len?" " Jesus, Carl." "What?" "Well, you look like you've gone head-to-head with a Transit van." "I've come straight from the beating." "But, uh, I thought you might like your mid-morning snack." "Got you an Eccles cake and a banana." "Yeah, I remembered how you used to look forward to... to..." "That tie don't half suit you, Len." " What?" " Must be the colour or something." "You really struck lucky there." "I'll just go and put these on a plate for you." " Ah, Leonard." " Uncle Irwin." "Back on two feet again, I see." "There has been some improvement, yeah, Uncle Irwin." " Not enough to carry a casket, though?" " It was the right decision." "It would have looked bad, me limping." "You know, reflect bad on the company?" "How thoughtful." "The finger's all right, though, for dialling purposes?" "I'm just looking." "That's all." "And anyway, as I said, you know, if anything good crops up, well, I'll secure the motor with my own cash." "And then, once you've had the chance to see the error of your ways..." "I shan't be parting with any funds, believe you me." "Carl." "Goodness, you're looking very multicoloured." "Yeah." "Don't you normally have a day or two in bed after a beating?" "Yeah, I know." "Only I didn't wanna let Len down." "Enjoy." "You've gotta give a bloke like Len 110º%, Irwin, see?" "Cos he's a motivator." "A real asset to any company." "Oi, it's parked, Irwin." "Well, as best as we could." "Bloody hell, Carl." "You'd better not turn up tomorrow mornin' lookin' like that." "You can't believe how sensitive people are at funerals." ""Plenty more fish in the sea," said to a grieving widow as her young husband is lowered into the ground is not what I consider to be good graveside manner, Oy." "She give me her number, didn't she?" "She's popping round to see me for a drink at the weekend." "(DOORBELL BUZZES)" "Oh, Leonard, that will be Mrs Robins." "I'd like you to run through the arrangements for her husband's funeral with her." "That's if you can manage to drag your broken body as far as reception." "You could always buy his." "What?" "Well, if they're a bit on the scarce side, you could buy Maurie's hearse." "Come with me." "(DOORBELL BUZZES)" "Leonard!" "God." " No!" " No?" " What do you mean, no?" " What can I say, Len?" "It's a lovely motor." "Ten more on top, for the inconvenience." "Ten more and you're robbing me." "It's the sentimental value." "My old dad had one." "I want that motor, Maurie." "It is not for sale." "You know, it don't suit everyone, Len, the old colour draining' from the face like that, but you..." " I wanna see Mickey." " It really suits you." "I mean, he looked me straight in the eye, Mickey, and he said no." "He needs a visit from Oy, Len." " Lubricant." "Get the wheels moving." " No bother." "Oy, go and frighten Maurie." "Cheers, Mickey." "And, Len, if you could show up here tomorrow, about midnight." "Sorry?" "Put some plastic over the back seat of the motor." " Only Oy's gonna be wearing a wetsuit." " LEN:" "A wetsuit?" "Houseboat went down, Tuesday last." "Only it turns out they had a floor safe." "So..." "You want me to do a job with you?" "Of course." "That's the deal." "Irwin gets the lads." "And you get me." "No." " What?" " I'm goin' straight, Mickey." " Don't you understand that?" " Yeah." "But I mean, there's straight straight, ain't there, then there's bendy straight." "Mickey." "What is wrong with you?" "Just forget it." "Yeah, but I owe you." "I mean, you know, in a way - the early days." "Hey, come on, Len, let your old pal, Mickey, get you the stiff-mobile." "It's too late, Mickey." "I know what you're after." "And that's not how it works with real pals." "Real pals help because they want to." "No strings attached." "Good day." "(MUSIC BLARES IN CAR)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "(DOORBELL CHIMES, DOGS BARK)" "(DOORBELL CHIMES)" "Hope!" " Alan?" "What you doin' here?" " I've come to see you." "What else am I gonna do?" "You won't listen to your mum." " Has she been ringing you?" " It don't matter." "The point is someone's gotta make the first move to sort everything out." " There's nothing to sort out, Alan." " There is." "You're pregnant." "And I wanna marry you and you're livin' back at home." " I mean, what's goin' on?" " You don't treat me right." " What?" " This baby." "It's brought everything to a head and it's made me realise for certain that you don't behave how a man should." "What are you talkin' about?" "Flippin' hell, Hope!" "What's this, eh?" "The bow don't come as standard, you know?" " Oh, those things are easy, Alan." " Easy?" "!" "Look, I know what is going on between us." "And you do too, deep down, only you haven't got the guts to face up to it, have you?" "You'd sooner hide" " behind stuff like that." " You don't know how lucky you are, Hope." "Do you know that?" "The way some blokes would be in this situation, right?" "And all I've done is just try to make you happy, that's all." "I've got more chance of Alan Hansen saying I've played a good game than I've got of you deciding to settle down with me." "And why?" "Eh?" "Bloody why?" "!" "You know why." "It's the same why it's always been." "See?" "And that is just unreasonable." " No, it's not." " Yes, it is." "If you loved me, you'd say the words." "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask." "I do my best, you know, I really do." "But it's just never enough, is it?" "You know what?" "I give up." "LEN:" "So, you don't have any hearses, then?" "Yep." "No." "Forget it." "Bye." "Thank you." "I just wanted one last look." "Of course." "I understand." ""Let your fingers do the walking"?" "I don't think so." "Miss Foster, may I introduce Mr Green, my partner." "He will be officiating this afternoon." "Oh." "Pleased to meet you, Miss Foster." "I'm sorry." "How you doing?" "Badly, obviously." "I mean..." "I'm sorry." "Our sincerest condolences, Miss Foster, at this difficult time, is what my partner is saying." "Foster?" "Foster?" "That's Albie in fridge three, isn't it?" "This way, Miss Foster." "Rest assured, all will be well this afternoon." " You'll say a fond goodbye." " Thank you." "(WHISPERS) Leonard!" " What?" " What?" "!" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello, IA Green and Sons." "Gloria, what's up?" "I dunno." "Well, yeah." "I suppose." "I'll see you down there in a bit." " It's Gloria." "She needs to see me." " I gathered." "It's, er..." "Well, it sounded urgent." "She's at Mario's." "Very well, Leonard." "But back for two on the dot." "Albie will be waiting." "Hello, darling." "I got here as soon as I could." "Ah, Mario, a glass of red, please, another one for Gloria, and a proper table next time she's in or I break both your legs." "Si, Len..." "Mr Green." "Ciao." "So... what's the occasion?" " What do you think?" " Christ, I didn't!" " No, our anniversary's December." " It's Hope!" "Oh." " What are we gonna do, Len?" " It'll be fine." " It always is." " What if it isn't?" "Then if it isn't, maybe it's not meant to be." "They're perfect for each other." "It's making me ill, Len." " I don't know what else..." " That's the point, Gloria." "You can't do anything." "It's up to them." " Don't you care?" " Of course I care." "How can you when you behave the way you have?" " I haven't done nothing." " Exactly." "But..." "You don't care, Len." "All you care about is a lump of metal." " Oh, God..." " Don't you deny it." "You're putting your obsession for some knackered old hearse before your daughter's personal happiness." "This is nonsense." "I mean, it really is." "It doesn't bear thinking about." "You know how I feel about Hope." "But that doesn't make it my duty to fill her head full of fairy tales when, in truth, the whole thing might go completely pear-shaped and there won't be one single thing I can do about it." "Of course I care about my daughter." "But it's a painful fact that sometimes you've gotta be cruel to be kind." "Not with your children, you don't." "With your children, it's different." "With your children, you just have to be kind." "All I want in my life - all I ever wanted - is my kids' happiness." "So did you once." "What happened to you, Len?" "When did you stop being her dad?" " Why are you being like this, Gloria?" " Signore." "Bugger off!" "I am being her dad." "I'm looking out for her." "But the bottom line is, it's a parent's duty to be honest with his kids, and that means telling them when they're being unrealistic." "The words, "I love you."" "Is that so unrealistic, Len, wanting to hear them?" "Things don't always sort themselves out, do they?" "Left to their own devices, they don't end... happily or badly." "They don't end at all." "They just hang in the air like a great big question mark for 30 years." "Eh, Len?" " Cabs won't touch the coffin." " We could try on foot again." "That's going nowhere, is it, Uncle Irwin?" "What are we gonna do, eh?" "Oy, Rabbit, round there with the mourners, waiting." " (HORN HONKS)" " LEN:" "What the?" "!" "LEN:" "Carl, that's..." "All right?" "Excellent, Carl." "Most perspicacious of you." "Come on, let's get this coffin moved over." "What?" "We have a lot of catching up to do, Leonard." "Well..." "Is no-one gonna state the obvious, then?" " I didn't do it cos I wanted thanks, Len." " And I'm assuming he's nicked it." " Aren't you bothered?" " Leonard, needs must." "We'll let Maurie have it back as soon as the job is done." " Don't you wanna keep it?" " Carl, it's unique." "Oh, I thought we could disguise it a bit - different hub caps." "Have you taken one too many beatings on Mickey's behalf?" " You said you wanted it!" " Carl!" "You was looking to your mates, no strings attached." "I thought..." "I thought you'd be pleased." "Carl, look, that's not the point." "You can't just..." "Oh, I'm sorry!" "Look, I'm sure you meant to provide a service." "You were just a little over-zealous, that's all." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, Len, I..." "Just don't stop being mates with us, though, yeah?" "Cos I'd hate that." "If you and I had..." "I'd just hate that." "I don't wanna get on your nerves." "More than anything, I don't want that." "Carl, I think the world of you." " What?" " But just stop all the fussing around." "There's no need." "You know... what I said." "Just the way you are." "Warts and all." "All right?" "Marvellous." "Now, can we concentrate on this funeral?" "Thank you." "LEN:" "We're nearly there." "We're nearly there." "It's next left, isn't it?" "Well, perhaps now's the time to slow down, then." "I believe cortege speed tends to be a little less supersonic than this." "God knows how Oy's been occupying them." "Hope he don't tell 'em that joke about the trapeze artists." "So, anyway, the third trapeze artist, Monique, she says, "Grab hold of it."" "I nearly..." "Oy, they're here." "Marvellous." "I shall be needing a stiff gin when this is all over." "Relax, Uncle Irwin." "We've done the hard part now." "Not entirely." "It's Maurie, in his spare." "Looks like he's headed for the crem'." " LEN:" "Oh, my God!" " Ignore him." "Ignore him, Leonard." "Maybe he won't spot us." "That's Len Green in my nicked motor." "Get after him!" "CARL:" "Oh, no." "He's chasing us." "Scarper, Leonard." "You used to be a getaway driver, didn't you?" " I've got a dead body in the back." " Do it with dignity." "LEN:" "Oh, God!" " He's still there, Leonard." " Of course he is!" "We're doing 10mph." "Soon get rid of him round here." "Turn down that one." "MAURIE:" "Straight on." "We'll cut 'im off up there." "Step on it!" " Have we lost 'em?" " Yeah." "Course we have." "Now the sucker punch." "Left out of here and onto the hill." " LEN:" "Oh, God!" " Gotcha!" "Nice one..." "Vasco da Gama." "Right, gentlemen." "I'll deal with this." "Might be a fag break or something." "What the hell is going on?" "Maurie, I can understand your consternation." "Consternation?" "!" "Irwin, you've stolen my motor." "Maurie, let me explain." " Handbrake." " What about it?" " It hasn't got one." " Oh, God!" " No!" "No!" " Oh, my God!" " Excuse me, is everything all right?" " IRWIN:" "It will be." " CARL:" "It's getting away." " IRWIN:" "Not an option." "Carl!" " Oh, no!" " My car!" " No!" " (CRASHING)" "Well, I think Maurie took it very well, in the circumstances." "And he was able to get to his funeral, as we did ours." "Eventually." "I feel terrible, Uncle Irwin." "But... what can I say?" "You can say you want to be an undertaker." "You can look me in the eye and say that?" "You can tell me you're done with coveting expensive and unnecessary funereal objets d'art." " The hearse is broken." " Aaaagh!" "That is broken." "The hearse is..." " Going through a lean period." " Correct." "Now, come on, Leonard." "Shape up or ship out!" "All right, I'm sorry." "Look, I can see, you know, maybe I've been a bit..." " Excessive?" " Well, yeah." "It's because you're not coping, Leonard!" "It's clear you haven't properly considered what full-time employment as an undertaker means." "No, I..." "No, I..." "No." " What did you expect?" " I dunno." "I just..." "But it really is..." "like what you said." "It's big things, isn't it?" "Only bigger." "And I..." "Well, being round that, day after day..." "I mean, all that grief and..." "Leonard, listen to me." "Ourjob is difficult." "But in the conducting of it properly, we make things possible - for the bereaved and for ourselves." "How do you mean?" "Life is lived as though looking through glass, Leonard." "Except on two occasions when the glass becomes a mirror and all that we are is reflected back at us." "One of those times is birth." "The other is death." "And rather than joy which swamps us then, it is frailty and weakness." "And that is when we, the undertakers, are needed." "The midwife helps at the start, we help at the end, to turn the mirror to clear glass once more so that people can again look forwards and see the possibility, and have the possibility, of a future." "That's..." " But that's such a responsibility." " Well, of course it is." "But by helping properly in all aspects of the job, we can cope with it, even relish what we do." "You brought chaos this afternoon, Leonard." "You made that young lady see herself in even greater extremis than she already was, where you should have helped her at that critical time - her life staring back at her." "And what's more, had you done so, Leonard, you wouldn't feel as you do now." "As we help, so we help ourselves." "I understand." "Bloody hell!" "They're cut to size." "We, all of us, have our moments when we think we're not up to the job, Leonard." "There's another time..." "isn't there, Uncle Irwin?" "Critical time, when people struggle." "When they look at themselves in that mirror." "When they're in love?" "Yes, Leonard." "When they're in love." "GLORIA:" "The words, "I love you."Is that so unrealistic, Len, wanting to hear them?" "Alan." "Alan." "I want a word." "Two secs, boss." "What you doing here, Len?" "This thing with Hope, Alan." "You've got to do what she wants." "What?" "Why have I?" "Because if you don't, 20 years down the line, you're gonna kick yourself at the opportunity you missed." " I don't understand you." " Alan, things go wrong." " People die." " Calm down." "Look..." "look, what I'm trying to say is everything's wine and roses and then, suddenly, it isn't." "Only at your age, well, that's not such a big deal, is it?" "I mean, there's always tomorrow, when everything will be perfect, and then you'll say what she wants." "Except, do you know what happens, Alan?" "Eh?" "Well, you wake up and it is that day and you're feeling on top of the world and you stride in to see your girl and you're ready for your close-up, Mr De Mille." "And she's got bags under her eyes, and one of her toenails is chipped and the varnish has come off, and there's a half-eaten plate of cheese on toast next to a pile of nappies in the corner of the room" "and she's up to her elbows in a different day." "I mean, you're ready to make your big gesture at last, and... she's knee-deep in living." "How can you say "I love you" then?" "How dare you presume to say that, Alan, when you've passed on all the other opportunities when things was equal, when you was both electric?" "You can't say it then, Alan." "It'd be cheap." "(SIGHS) Yeah, but I can't say it anyway." " I..." "I can't say what she wants." " Alan..." "I'm not good enough, Len, you know?" "The type of guy I am, the type of girl she is." "She's a goddess, Len." "Anything I could ever come out with, it's always gonna fall that far short." "It'd just finish things between us." " (SIGHS)" " Alan..." " I can't do it, Len." " Yes, you can, Alan." "And I'm gonna help you." "(DOOR OPENS)" " It's not that simple, Hope." " Mum..." "What are you talking about?" "You're being so rigid... about how a bloke's gotta be." "But I need to hear the words." "I understand, Hope." "But I've been thinking and..." "I know loads of marriages, relationships, where those words haven't been said." "And they're completely happy, completely fulfilled." "Who?" "Who do you know?" "Me and your dad, Hope." " He has never said the words either." " But..." "But?" "But look at us." "I mean, all right, there were times" "I wished he'd been a bit more..." "you know, like in the films - taken me in his arms and..." "Only you get beyond that." "And in time, I appreciated how he was and I realised, nevertheless, he still loved me." "How do you know, though, Mum?" "I mean, really, how do you actually know?" " You just do." " No." "You hope he does." "And you trust he does." "You pray he does." "But know?" "Especially you." "After 30 years... of all the things that happen, that change, that put pressure on you - without the words, how can you be sure?" "You can't, can you?" "I'm sure." "You tell me you love me and I know you do." "You will, always, and it's the same with Dad when he says it to me." "It's there for all time." "And that certainty, it makes me strong." "It makes me confident that in this one area of my life, I can't be touched." "I'm secure." "Forever." "Sweetheart, is that it?" "Is that what this is really about - forever?" "There aren't any certainties with your man, angel." "It's not like when me or your dad, when we say..." "With your man, there's no guarantee." "And those words aren't the thing that assures your happiness together, for all eternity." "With your man, no matter what's said or what isn't, you have to take a leap into the dark." "It's true for all of us." "You have to..." "trust your gut feelings, take a chance." "Like I did with your dad." "You go to bed." "Good night, sweetheart." "He loves me." "He loves me not." "He loves me." "He loves me not." "Psst!" "Psst!" "Are you there?" "Are you there?" "(RUSTLING)" "Hiya, Len." " Are you still up for this?" " Yeah." " Have you been drinking?" " I'm not allowed to be nervous?" " You're not nervous, are you?" "Jesus!" " No!" "No." "No." "It'll be fine." " Oh, me legs have gone." " What?" "I'm shaking all over." "I'm seeing little stars." "You will in a minute." "Come on." "Now, do it." "Go on." "(STONES CLATTER)" "(STONES CLATTER)" "Again." " (STONES CLATTER)" " Ow!" "Alan?" "Is that you?" " Hope." " You hit me!" "Yeah." "Sorry." "I..." " Well, what do you want?" " I need to talk to you." " Well?" " What?" "What?" "(WHISPERS) There's so much I have to say." "There's so much I have to say." " To put things right." " To put things right." " Why do you keep stopping?" " Well, I'm thinking, ain't I?" "Ain't I?" " I think the world of you." " I think the world of you." "My heart sighs every time I see you." " And all I yearn for..." " And all I yearn for is your happiness." "...is your happiness." " And now, children." " And now, children." "It's magical, so... if I've failed you..." "If I've failed you all the times I was being less than I ought to be... for you all the times I've been less than I ought to be... for you..." "LEN:" "It's only because I thought I'd missed my moment." "ALAN:" "It's only because I thought I'd missed my moment and I'd never again have the chance..." "ALAN:" "And I'd never have the chance to..." " LEN:" "To do you justice." " ALAN:" "To do you justice." "But that doesn't mean..." "But that don't mean that I haven't spent days, months years, praying for one other instant..." "ALAN:" "When I might say exactly how I feel." "And how I feel when I think of you is glorious." "Glorious." "LEN:" "Luckiest man on God's earth." "The luckiest man on God's earth." "LEN:" "I love you totally and without end, beyond even my own understanding of the word and beyond all my inabilities to express it." "So..." "I love you." "ALAN:" "So I love you." "Alan..." "I mean it too, you know all this..." " Shh!" "Alan." " I mean it." "I know you do." "Wait." "Look." "I took a chance." " And it worked out." " Oh!" "Oh, yes!" "You beauty!" "Yes." "# Da-ran-dan-da, da-ran-dan-da" "# Da-ran-dan-da, da-ran-dan-da... #" "What are you doing?" "It's me new goal celebration." "I ain't had a chance to try it yet." "Are you coming up here, or what?" "(WHISPERS) Goal!" "(CLOCK CHIMES)" "It's not me, is it?" "No, it's not, love." "It's... it's me." "I'm..." " I'm having one." " Having what?" "I'm getting a stiffy!" " Give us a hug." " What for?" "Your old man - he gets you into trouble, don't he?" "It's Barry." " Christ!" " LEN:" "The world's gone sex mad." "Chastity." "LEN:" "See, you're making her out to be like a tramp." "Three first-year undergraduates?" "The college window cleaner, for God's sake, and that's just this term." "Being efficient, Dad." "Doubling up." "Gets me back to work twice as quick." "It's like my signature, torture." "LEN:" "She's my little girl, for God's sake!"