"I thought I'd always be alone." "Why?" "It'swhatIdeserve." "Oh,that'sabunch of hooey." "It'snottrue." "Oh,yeah?" "Yeah." "I'venevermet anyone like you." "Whatareyou so afraid of?" "What do you think, Mr. Joe?" "Home?" "Seewhatyouthink." "Wow!" "Thisisnice!" "I need some references, of course." "Aren't you coming in?" "Idon'tbite." "How do I know?" " What is this?" " What's what?" "Comeoverhere, and I'll show you." "Seriously?" "What's your deal, stress boy?" "Please don't take it personally, it's just" "I made a promise to never be alone with any woman that's not my wife." "Oh!" "That's sweet." "I think." "Isshethejealoustype ?" "Oh, I'm not married." " Engaged?" " No." "Livingtogether?" "Dating?" "No,I don'tdate." "I have a theory about that." "So, who'd you make this promise to?" "Oldfashioned,huh?" "Yeah." "It's a little on the nose." "What can I say?" "Threeeligible bachelors remain, and25single and seductive ladies arereadyto do battle to win the man of their dreams." "Tuneintonight." "Oh,comeon ,Clay." "Speak!" "I command you." "I'mnottellingyou  nothin'." "Traitor!" "I'mswornto secrecy,man ." "I gave my word to Lisa." "Oh, man, what'd she get me?" "No way!" "I'd be dead." "You want me dead?" "You're a coward." "You're a traitor and a coward." "Allright,ladies." "That's it for the big stuff." "Idon'tknowwhat I would've done without you." "Yeah, you'll find out soon enough." "We ain't going to L.A." "Oh!" "Oh,man,is that what I think it is?" "Man!" "Oh,feelslike 100 years ago." "Should have been undefeated, baby." "Come on." "Yes." "Top of the key." "It's my fault." "Iwaswideopen." "Hey,getin there." "Getthecloseup, man ." "Get the close up." "Well,well,well, this is a surprise." "Afterlastnight, I figured I owed you one." "It was so good seeing you again." "It was." "Amazing." "So, uh, what's with the truck?" "Oh, um, I got a new job." "Isn't that great?" "Where?" "Hollywood." "Los Angeles." "Ithoughtyou'd be happy for me." "Youtoldme lastnight I could move in." "Well, you can." "I didn't say with me." "Iputagoodword inforyou with the landlord." "Infact,Itoldhim to keep my security deposit foryourfirstmonth'srent ." "Noproblem." "It's all yours." "Clay,stopjudgingme!" "Theonlysininthis world, you dinosaur, is being boring." "And,brother,Iamnotguilty." "Andthat'swhy I'm going nationwide." "Syndication,baby!" "Liveontheradio from the City of Angels." "My heart weeps for America." "Oh, come on, you're gonna miss me, so will what's her face." "Okay,here'san idea." "How 'bout this?" "Why don't you just crawl back under that cute little antique shop and make up some more theories you never test out at the grown up table anymore, hmm?" "Ididn'tdo anythinguntoher that I didn't want done unto me." "Wait,I 'msorry." "Seriously, though, I'm sorry." "Seriously,though,remember that summer in Myrtle Beach with the redheaded cheerleader and her" "Oh,comeon , that is my favorite story." "Will you please just-- please, Daddy?" "Please?" "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a" "Oh, here we go." "The hermit has a proclamation." "Oh,comeon ,man!" "No, please, by all means, don't let me interrupt you." "So, tomorrow, right?" "Tomorrow." "Womenarestupid." "Every single one of them loves to believe in some sort of fairytale, offer the illusion of security, just pretend everything is gonna be okay." "Andabracadabra!" "Linesareopen." "Give Lucky Chucky a call." "Youknowthenumber, you lemmings." "Pickupthephone" "TimfromLakeland, you're on the air." "Livethedream,mybrother." "Mybrother,livethe dream." "Do you have what it takes?" "DoI havewhatittakes?" "Hey,man,youknow I got what it takes." "Doyouhaveany idea howmanyhot,stupidwomen there are in California?" "Seven?" " Keep going!" "Twenty-five?" " Add a couple of zeros." "Twenty-fivethousand?" " Keep going." "Fivemillion?" " Double that." "Tenmillion?" " More." "Oh,man, I can't count that high." "I can." "Next caller, anonymous, you're on the air." "You'redisgusting." "Mom, is that you?" "IfI wasyourmother,I" "Yeah, what would you do?" "Would you punish me?" "Youknow,menlikeyou- " "Yes,menlikeme!" "How much do you weigh, sweetheart?" "How much?" "Don't be shy, honey." "How much?" "One-sixty?" "One-seventy?" "Are you pushing two bills?" "Comeon, you can be honest with me." "Mom?" "Did we lose her?" "Did we lose my mom?" "Fine." "Youknow, I'm no knight in shining armor." "Thereareno knights in shining armor." "Butyouseemtothink you're Cinderella, don't you?" "Don'tyou?" "See, I wanna help." "I wanna help you see the truth." "Andthetruthis there are no Cinderellas either." "Sure,yousayyou want a sweet guy, a Prince Charming, but guys like that bore you to tears, don't they?" "Following you around like a little lost puppy dog until your mind, not to mention every other part of you, goes numb." "Are you sweet?" "Areyoufaithful,huh ?" "Are you honest?" "Areyouallthosethings you say you want?" "No." "Yousee,on thoselate and lonely nights whenyou'reallalone, solo, abandoned, lost, clutchingthecorner of your pillow, youwantonething, and that is a guy like me," "so you get what you get, girlfriend." "Women are just like men." "Everyonewantsit bothways." "Morning!" "Yo!" "Hey,knockknock." "Uh, who's there?" "Ain't thought that far ahead yet." "Let's go!" "Get the lead out!" "Come on!" "Busy man!" "Oh yeah?" "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Couple of pieces, I don't know." "Youlikeanything?" "Eh,youshouldreally tie that stuff down." "Hellothere?" "You've been holding out on me." "Where you been?" "George." "What?" "All my life, where have you been?" "Down,boy." "How'sthewife?" "Oh, mean as a snake." "You settling in okay?" "Sofar,so good." "Just call me if you need anything." "Andcallme if you need anything else." "I'll do that." " Just moved in." " Lucky you." " Not my type." "How do you know?" "So help me, man." "I worry about you." "I'll take the wall mirror." "Yeah." "You would." "Youcan'tleaveme." "So,thisis it ." "Thetimehascome, my brothers." "Ithasbeenalong  and oh-so tasty ride so far, but,remember,thisisn 't goodbye to you, the faithful." "No,mylusciousbody might be moving to Hollywood, butmyvoice--you'llknow exactly where to find me." "I am not going anywhere." "Hi." "Uh." "Um." " You're kidding." " Nuh-uh." "Nooffense,butIthink I could resist you." "So,thistheoryofyours, I'm curious." "You'rebored." "Don'ttellme whatIam ." "Sorry." "Forgiven." "You're religious?" "Spiritual." "Ibelievein God, but it's not like I believe ineverythingthat's in the Bible or anything." "Whatpartsof it  do you believe exactly?" "Your theory, spill it." "Iwantto know." "You don't want to know." "Make me ask you again and I'm coming in there, theory or no theory." "Open that door, I raise your rent." "Okay,okay." "Calm down." "I am calm." "Youjuststayoutside." "So you won't be alone with a woman?" "That'stheplan." "Anywhere?" "Withinreason." "Whatdoesthatmean?" "Well,outin theopen, in public, that's okay." "Anyway,it'sjust a small part of my theory." "Whichis?" "Idon'tbelieve that dating trains us tobegood husbands and wives." "You know, life partners." "It just trains us to be good dates, that's it." "Ittrainsus to be  skilled in the superficial." "Who talks like that?" "I do." "Dating is fun." "Seeing the smile you bring to another's face, holding hands for the first time, learning new things." "Yeah,butwhatdowelearn ?" "We learn to be witty, charming, romantic." "Yes,yes,yes." "Right, but it's all icing, no cake." "It's not enough." "Nothingmagicalhappens when you walk down the aisle." "Imean,likeitornot,what we do when we're single is-- it's what we'll do when we're married." "What about sex?" "What about it?" "Thattakespracticetoo ." "No comment." "Not having sex does not make you a good husband." "No,butlearning to control myself might." "Imean,Idon 'tknow if you know this, buthalfof allmarriages experience infidelity." "Ineverwanttobedivorced." "Loveshouldcomefirst, not the other way around." "So do you mean sex-sex only, or any other stuff?" "Eh,I 'manallornothing guy, you know." "Your body's a temple." "You noticed." "Not even a little kissy kissy?" "Just right there, 'til the wedding bells." "Howlonghave you had this theory?" "Nine years." "Yikes." "That's not normal." "No." "No, it's not normal." "Youdon'tbelievethat there's a right person outthereforeachofus ?" "Asoulmate?" "Idon'tbelieve our job is the looking." "It's the becoming." "Onceyouarethe rightperson, when you're ready, you know?" "Andhopefully,Godwilling." "Butifyoudon 'tdate, how will you ever know?" "Hey,I makefire." "Ah,myhero." "Bless you." "Bless you." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Anyway, that's my theory." "You asked for it." "Thanks for the enlightenment." "Hey, I know how weird it sounds." "Iknowmakingyou  wait out in the cold, wrappedinablanket seems ridiculous." "Buta lotof theboundaries that used to be common, thatwe'vethrownaway, are there to protect us." "We don't have to go around using each other, hurting each other." "It doesn't have to be that way." "That's all." "Good night." "Good night." "Hello?" "I'mhereto pickup that little rocking chair." "Oh,theresheis." "Everythingokay?" "I do okay?" "Excellentjob,youngman ." "Youfixedit ." "Goodasnew." "Thankyou." "Thankyouso much." "Youhaveno idea." "Therewasafire before I was born." "Momwaspregnant with me, you know?" "Youdon'twant to hear that old story." "No,I do." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Yes, sir." "Allright,then." "This is the day the Lord has made." "I'llrejoice and be glad in it." "Thankyou,AuntZella." "You'vedonethisbefore?" "Onceortwice." "Uh-huh." "Inspiration,after the Greek goddess." "A message is waiting." "You're hired." "Awesome." "Tonight we party then, yes?" "So,tellme allaboutit." "Why don't you tell me all about it?" "Did you bring us any of our canned tomatoes?" "He forgot, Lloyd, again." "It creeps me out when you do that." "Then don't listen." "Well,I rentedtheupstairs, the walk-up." "No, Lloyd wants to chat about tomatoes." "To a girl." "Oh." "Oh!" "Finally, I thought the old bag would never kick off." "I wonder where she keeps her valuables?" "It'sa miracle." "It'sa miracle!" "Is she a pretty girl?" "Nah, let's talk about tomatoes." "How are they?" "Here." "Give me your hands." "Who'sfirst?" "Everybody signs." "Love, Trish." "Carol?" "No, I don't sign anything." "I'llsign." "I'll sign anything you got." "Hey, back off, Tarzan." "Clay Walsh?" "Yeah." "Old Fashioned Clay Walsh?" "That Clay Walsh?" "I just rented the apartment upstairs." "What?" "Has he tried to dazzle you with any of his theories yet?" "Do you know him?" "No." "I only met him once." "He is a real trip." "Used to be quite the player, though." "Player?" "Well, some of the girls that used to work for me used to date him in college." "They had quite a few stories." "Lewdstories." "Butneverlike those DVDs that" "Theymightjustmattermost ." "Puckerup and get your lips ready." "Thekissingcontestisnext ." "Youbetterbe goodatit, or I'm walking." "Oh,I 'vegotgame, believe me." "Imean,there'salotof things that the other girls havecompetitionon me , butI mean,theybetterbe worried about this one 'cause" "Hey there, stress boy." "Hey there, pretty girl." "Did you just flirt with me?" "No." "You did." "No." "Look at that, three for a dollar." "Oh, are those coupons?" "Yes." "Excuse me." "Do you mind?" "Shoottheball." "Fact." "Most people know more about someone after a job interview for delivering pizzas than they do after most dates, so" "Where do you get this stuff from?" "Please, by all means, shoot the ball." "Goodness." "You see what happens when you hurry things?" "Hurry things?" "You're the last person to be worrying about hurrying things." "Hurrythings,you?" "Our first date." "This is not a date." "You, you are so romantic." "However did you find this place?" "How do you know if I'm romantic or not?" "Trust me, you're not." "I like cinnamon." "Is sugarless cinnamon gum romantic?" "Oh, it can be." " What you got?" " H-O-R." "Goodness." "Hurrythings." "Yeah, yeah." "And mama called it paralysis by analysis." "Thank you." "A little louder, please." "They didn't hear you over on Hummel." "Wagon wheel pasta." "No." "Candlelight, jazz, sand between your toes, all romantic." "Wagon wheel pasta?" "Not romantic." "Not everyone needs to have someone just to be" "People are different." "Some people don't need to" "Yeah, of course, sure." "I do okay on my own." "What?" "I do." " Who told you that?" " Shut up, man." "Clay,youdon'tlook happy to see me." "Who'syournewfriend?" " I'm Amber." " Lisa." " David." "I--Wejustraninto each other here, that's it." "Besides,man,what do I know about her?" "Ijustwanttobesmart ." "What do you know--?" "Dude, you're so smart, you're an idiot." "Pickuponaisle4." "Amber, Lisa and I are having a huge shindig." "Check this out." "Two birthdays, one party." "Our birthdays are on the same day." "Me and my honey." "Infact,Clayis gonna be there, too." "Aren't you, Clay?" "Tonight?" "Dude,howmanytimesarewe gonna have this conversation?" "Okay,allright,all right." "Listen, listen." "Stop looking for a formula." "She'snotwhatIexpected." "Okay, that's great." "SoyouthinkIshould" "Oh, no, I'm through." "I'm done with this." "Ah!" "Look at that." "Huh?" "See, I knew you were rubbing off on me." "There you go, son." "Ah!" "I sawthat." "Yeah, don't deny it." "The whole aloof, glance-across-the-room thing there." "Verynice,verynice." "Subtle, mm-hmm." "Don't you need to take Cosie to driver's ed or space camp or something?" "Goodideas." "Honey?" "Yes, dear." "I'm on it." "No problem." "Thank you." "Mightwanna make a move, man." "Seems as if the real estate's moving pretty fast." "Who are you, my agent?" "That's not a bad idea." "Hey!" "Everybody." "MayI haveyour attention, please?" "Welcome again to our humble abode." "Thiscelebration, Lisa and I, 8 long years." "Still going strong." "Getting older, as you can see." "Stilllivingin sin." "It means so much to have you all here to share it with us." "We really appreciate it." "Hey, has everyone met Amber?" "Yes,Amber, raise your hand." "Mm-hmm." "Yes, yes, yes." "Amber's new here." "Uh-huh." "And dig this, Clay really likes her." "I mean, a lot." "Aww,a little baby dump truck." "Aww!" "Oh, man." "Look at that." "Welldone,Clay." "Classic, man." "Thankyou,sir." "I like his hat." "Onlytwoleft." "One from me to you, and one from you to me." "No,no." "You first." "Taking orders." "That'sright,mister." "Isawhimina restaurant last time I was in Chicago, butI wastoonervoustoask for his autograph in person, soI satandwaited3hours  for him to finish eating." "ThenI hadto beat the busboy to the table." "Not easy." "You stole a half-smoked cigar and a credit card receipt?" "Oh, baby, if that's not love, I don't know what is." "It'sperfect." "Allright, and you, my dear." "This better be good." "What'sthis?" "Thatwouldbe  an engagement ring." "You want to get married?" "I figure I'll make an honest woman out of you." " I am an honest woman." " It's just an expression." " I don't like it." "So, was that a yes?" "I thought we didn't need a piece of paper toproveanything." "Well, we don't." "Listen, listen, listen." "Look,we'renotkids, okay?" "Andsomethingshave started to matter more to me nowthantheyusedto." "It's not about proof, baby." "I know you love me." "I do." "Unfortunately." "AndI loveyou." "And I'm not going anywhere, okay?" "Paperorno paper." "I'djustlovethe chance to see my baby in a wedding dress." "Nowthatis sexy." "It'swhathe  gives me every year." "Showoff!" "Hey, are we gonna have a honeymoon?" "Honeymoon?" "If we must." "Any thoughts, recommendations?" "The ideal honeymoon?" "Clay!" "David." "Yes, yes, the ideal honeymoon." "Whatyougotinmind ?" "You really want me to do this?" "No doubt about it." "Theidealhoneymoon." "Cabin in the woods, a case of bottled water, andnotasingledistraction frombuilding a foundation of intimacy withmylifelongbride." "Youknow,Idon 'tknow if you know this, but" "That'senough." " The percentage" " No, no, no." "Thepercentageof" " Would you just" " Not a word!" "That's what I'm talking about." "LivefromtheCityofAngels in the heart of Hollywood andsyndicatednationwide, youwanthim,you got him , Lucky Chucky!" "You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved." "How true it is." "A friend of mine, we'll call him Moron, has lived with this broad for years." "Strike one." "Oh, oh yeah." "Strike two, he knocked her up." "No longer content with only partial self-destruction, strike three, bingo, you guessed it, they're getting married." "What is the point in all this pain?" "Iamawashinruin ." "Hewasafriendofmine,  a good friend of mine." "Wewerein thesame fraternity in college." "Ibetyoudidn'tsee that one coming." "Iusedto be afratboy." "You listen to this?" "Sometimes." "He's hilarious." "He says women are stupid." "Whenthere'sawedding, there's a bachelor party." "Okay,let's turn that crap off." "Sorry,Carol, didn't know you were here." "So, how was the weekend, girls?" "I had me one big date." "SodidAmber, with Mr. Old Fashioned." "Youdid?" "Details?" "It was a birthday party." "Lots of people were invited." "He didn't even invite me himself." "Mytheoryis he 'sgay." "Heownsan antiqueshop." "Hello?" "I don't think so." "Then he's got a disease, or some other...tiny problem." "Oh, sheesh." "You like the freak show?" "For now." "Lightloadthisweek." "Loveseat'ssolid." "Vintage." "Yeah, it needs some work, though." "Hey." "Lookatthat." "Gotitdirtcheap." "Auctiondownin Eustace." "Nice, right?" "Was that a car?" "Is." "Is a car." "It's my new hobby." "Oh, when I get done with it, you look out." "Hey,George?" "Yeah?" "How long you been married?" "Ooh, 36 years." "How did you...know?" "Know what?" "Comeon,man,know." "Know." "Ah, good question." "Have a seat." " Here we go." " Yes, we are." " Buckle up." "We grew up together." "We went to the same grammar school, junior high, high school." "Sophomore year, she asked me to a Sadie Hawkins Day dance." "I don't wanna go, but I don't wanna hurt her feelings either, so I said yes." "It's only one night." "Well, after the dance, she decides to kiss me." "So I kiss her back." "Oh, not so good." "You know, she still can't do it right." "Point is, now I gotta date her for almost a month because I felt guilty about kissing her." "And I didn't want to make her feel cheap either, so." "So, about a month passes, and just when I am getting ready to dump her, her mom gets diagnosed with tuberculosis." "I mean, she starts freaking out, man," "I mean, crying all the time, calling me." "Just didn't seem fair to break up with her then." "I mean, my people knew her people." "Then there's her birthday." "ThenValentine's." "Thenseniorprom." "Graduation." "ThenI 'm19." "I'mgettinginducted into the army." "You want the love seat?" "Peoplelikethegovernor andthatfellowthere can stop worrying." "I'm not gonna talk about them." "I'mgonnatalkaboutus, the average guys, theJohnDoes." "If anybody should ask you what the average John Doe is like, youcouldn'ttellhim because he's a million and one things." "He'sMr.Bigand Mr. Small." "He'ssimpleandhe'swise ." "He's inherently honest." "He'stheman the ads are written for." "He'sthefeller everybody sells things to." "He'sJoeDoakes, the world's greatest stooge andtheworld's greatest strength." "Yes,sir,we 'reagreat family, the John Does." "Wearethemeek who are supposed to" "Doyoucare if I sit down out here?" "No." "Youknow,Ihad  a crazy dream last night." "Itwasaboutyou ." "Aboutme?" "Yeah,surewascrazy." "So,well, I got up out of bed andI walkedrightthrough the wall here, rightstraight into your room." "Youknowhowdreamsare." "Whyantiques?" "Mygreataunt,Zella, her mother's mother's sister, she used to own this place." "I worked for her part-time when I went to college." "I drove by the front of some university whenI firstgottotown ." "Mm-hmm,Bolivar." "That'swhereDavidteaches." "Zella, too, before she retired." "SoyouandDavid both went there?" "Yeah,wedid." "Wehadthesamemajor for a while." "Wewerein  the same fraternity." "You were in a frat?" "I was." "I never finished college." "Seven years on and off." "Icouldjustnever seem to focus." "Everythingexcept my language requirement." "I'monlythreecredits in Spanish away from a B.A." "in,like,sixdegrees." "So, you bought this place from your great aunt when she retired?" "She gave it to me." "Forgraduation." "That's some present." "Yeah,itis ." "You could say I owe her." "Shestillalive?" "Is that why you keep it?" "She is, but I keep it for me." "Senior year, everything changed." "Mygoals, what I want out of life." "Whatdoyou want out of life?" "Tobedecent." "That'sit." "Agoodperson." "Ineededto believemylife  could be different than it was." "ThatI couldbe different." "Andhowdidyou  do that, frat boy?" "And don't even tell me you found Jesus or something." "More like he found me." "Oh." "Really?" "Iknow,Iknow, but it's the truth." "That'swhyItookmy aunt up on her offer." "It'swhyIkeeptheshop." "It'sa safeplacefor me." "Nothing heroic." "Not very ambitious." "I guess I just wasn't destined for greatness." "I think the world has enough greatness, not enough goodness." "That's my theory." "You're doing it again." "Are you allergic to me or something?" "Notyou." "You'reallergicto cats." "You're all fixed." "Thatwasfast." "Are you sure?" "Yessir,my friends,the meek can only inherit the Earth whentheJohnDoes start loving their neighbors." "Youbetterstartrightnow." "Don'twaituntilthe gameis called on account of darkness." "Wakeup,JohnDoe , you're the hope of the world." "John,youwerewonderful." "What's this?" "Allergy medicine." "Andyourhotchocolate." "Thanks." "You're, um" "Saving up for something?" "Gasmoney." "That'sit?" "Just a jar." "That's not much of a story." "Thestories,they'remy favorite part of what I do." "Folksrarelydropoff dusty old lamps or family portraits withouttellingyou a story." "It's kind of like the why beneath the surface that gives those things meaning, you know?" "Nomatterhowfaded or ordinary anything appears, everything has a story." "I agree." "You do?" "That's why I have that." "I'velivedin  14 states so far." "Itryto keepintouch with at least one person fromeveryplaceI'vebeen ." ""Loveistheonlygold ."" "Tennyson." "Alfred Lord Tennyson." "1809to1892." "The first time I read that I was at a high school football game." "Home game." "Redandblack, school colors." "I played French horn in the marching band." "Stood behind Jeff Ferby, who, for the record," "I had a major crush on." "Thegamewasboring." "Not even close." "SoI read,didhomework." "Third quarter, two minutes left, snow falling from the sky, sipping on hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows," "I read that." "When the jar is full, I know I have enough." "For what?" "To get far enough away if I need to." "Makea freshstart." "Gowherethewindtakesme." "Follow the warm and fuzzies." "Life just isn't all warm fuzzies." "It'snotjustall  rules either, religioso." "Besides,that's how I ended up here." "Ihitempty on County Line Road." "You just packed everything you own into your car and started driving 'til you ran out of gas?" "Now, that's a story." "My last boyfriend didn't want me to wear nail polish." "I did." "So he broke your hand?" "He didn't mean to." "But he did." "Nonailpolish?" "Sounds like something you'd come up with." "Depends on the color." "It was clear." "Yeah,I know." "Funny, huh?" "He was nothing like you." "My one and only fight, and I lost." "No." "He did." "He lost." "You're wearing me down, woman!" "Hey!" "All better." "How'd the door get off the hinges?" "Howcomeyouhaven't asked me out yet?" "Hint,hint." "If I do, will you stop breaking things?" "My rules, my way?" "Okay." "Thisistruly such a wise choice." "Very mature." "Discerning." "So, first, let me simply affirm your prudent decision to take solemnly the idea of holy matrimony." "Howlonghaveyou  been engaged?" "Oh,we'renot." "We just met." "Oh!" ""Doyouregularlyuse  or abuse drugs or alcohol?"" "Not since college." "But I think we're supposed to go in order." "Just so you know, this is what some might call rushing it." ""Do you have any pet peeves?"" "Check out these colors." ""Do you have any pet peeves?"" "Just one." "That'sa red." "What'swrong with planning ahead?" "Next question." ""How many children would you like to have?"" "One or two." "I was hoping for two or three." "That's a yellow." "Oh, isn't that beautiful?" "Overpriced." ""What experience do you have raising children?"" "Comeon!" "Are you experienced?" " Is this necessary?" " Smaller pieces." "No coaching." "I am so sorry." "Dothetwoofyouthink Amber  and I make a good couple, or" "Sir." "Thanks, man." "Now what was all that over there?" "Why you pushing her like that?" "Okay,canyou say hello in Chinese?" "Ni." " Ni." " Hao." " Hao." " Ma." " Ma." " Good job!" "Let's do "thank you" one more time." "Show Miss Amber." "Ready?" "Xiexie." "Xiexie." "You're a natural." "So, I pass?" "Are you honestly this desperate?" "Hey,wesetadate ." "Next month." "That's fast." "Eh, nothing fancy, you know?" "Lisa wants to keep it small." "In fact, have it right here in the backyard." "Yeah, just a few friends coming in." "Nice." "Like Kelly." "Like Kelly or" "Flyinginfrom Phoenix by herself." "Justgotseparated from her husband." "Yeah,hehadathing, some girl in his office." "They're trying to work it out, but you know how that goes." "Howlong have you known him?" "Sincecollege." "He dated my best friend for a while." "The two of them set David and me up." "Here we are." "What was Clay like back then?" "A lot more fun." "Really?" "Everybody loved him." "Hehadthiswildkind  of energy, out of control." "He used to co-host this stupid campus cable TV show with another friend of ours." "Itstartedoutas a joke sophomore year, butthenit justkept getting bigger." "They started traveling, hosting spring break parties, producing DVDs." "Hedidn'ttellyou about?" "Oh,theyrakeditin!" "Built this amazing machine." "Clayhadallkinds of offers from New York," "Chicago,advertising." "He said no to them all." "Shut down the business." "Made a bunch of bizarre apologies." "Gave away what was left of his money." "He's not the same." "You got awful quiet." "Aren't you gonna ask me any more questions?" "Nothing good happens after 11." "Okay." "Hey, Amber?" "What?" "Well, why don't you do us a favor and just decide what we do next time." "Next time?" "Good night, stress boy." "Good night, pretty girl." "They'reshowingal  the "Rocky"s on cable again." "Thanksforthewarning." "Like on a loop?" "Yeah!" " I hate when they do that." "Lastnight,itwasfive." " I don't like five." "Noonelikesfive." "Iliketheone where he takes her to the zoo." "Yeah,that's the second one." ""Whatpercentage of your annual income isappropriate to spend on a pet?"" "I can see how he's got you all worked up." "Not all the questions are like that." ""Do you believe in the death penalty?"" "Mmm, oh, yes!" "Death penalty!" "No, thanks!" "Gots to have a real man." "Clay is a real man." "I haven't found one yet that I like better than a good piece of chocolate, and I've been married three times." "But I'm still looking." "He's reliable." "He's handy." "Yep." "Nopeeking." "Justone." "All right." "Hardware store?" "Areyouwatchingthis?" "Mm-hmm." "Herewego ." "Who's the man?" "Ooh!" "Oh, my!" "Mr.Walsh, the world wants to know, when are you going to kiss her?" "No comment?" "MayI ?" "There'sonlyonething that without fail, nored-bloodedwoman alive can resist." "Areyoulistening?" "Indifference." "Oh, spare me!" "I'm sorry, did you say something?" "Oh, you are so hot." "That man knows what he's talking about." "Zach,fromCollegedale." "So you and David are friends with Lucky Chucky?" "When I didn't wanna play frat boy anymore, he and David were the only ones that stuck around." "Everybody else walked." "He's a victim." "Please!" "He's the kind of guy that's always gotten away with everything." "It'strue." "But only because people let him." "Is that his fault?" "He's a product of the system." "That's ridiculous." "Just like I used to be." "Before you saw the light?" "Yeah,becameareligioso." "But you were never like that." "Hey, you're the one that wanted to turn the radio on, not me." "Let's get back to the book." ""Do you like each other's friends?"" "Definitely yellow." "So,Ambersays you're reliable." "Definitely yellow." "Thank you, kind sir." "Mm-hmm." "Here." "What's this?" "I got you something, my lady." "You did?" "Mm-hmm." "Did you wrap it yourself?" "I paid extra for that." "What?" "It's to help you focus." "Comprende?" "I get it." "Thank you." "Very thoughtful." "It's a start." "It is." "Keep trying." "Hey." "Solastnight, it starts all over again." "Backtonumberone ?" "Runningupthestairs, collecting for Gazzo." "Sure,yeah, the first one's all right." "Thefirstoneisawesome!" "It'sonlyamovie." "Thank you, ma'am." "Go ahead, take a guess." "What do you think I watched on TV last night?" "Oh, I have no idea." ""Sleepless in Seattle."" "Now, that's a good movie." "You'rekillingme ." "Sleeplessinwhere?" "I love "Sleepless in Seattle."" " Figures." " You don't?" " I'm allergic to cats." " So?" "BillPullman." "Nice guy, kind, reliable, but just because he happens to itch andgetpuffyred eyes and sneeze all over the place, it's okay for Meg Ryan to run off with Tom Hanks." "Oh!" "Theboringguywith allergies in the movies always gets dumped and it's not right and it must be stopped." "Am I boring?" "In a good way." "So honest." "This coat sure has a lot of pockets." "What else you got in here?" "Anything interesting?" "Doubtful." " What?" " Forgot about that." " Can I see?" " No." "Ooh!" "A checklist?" ""Magnifyingglass and Spanish CD."" "Check." "Check." "Check." "Check." ""Respect her emotions as well as her body."" "Check." "How is it possible that you're not already married?" "I could ask you the same question." "It's almost 11." "Fairenough." "Ifyoudon'tmind,I'mgoing  to use the little boys' room." "And stay out of my pockets." "Hello." "Hola." "Hola." "Goodmorning." "Buenos días." "Buenos días." "Goodbye." "Adiós." "Adiós." "Buenosdías, stress boy." "I'm liking my presents." "Shall we?" "I can't let you get all the kicks." "Huh?" ""It'seasierto keepholidays than commandments,"" "Benjamin Franklin." "That's true." "I definitely prefer holidays." ""Our lives begin to end the moment we remain silent about things that matter."" "Who said that?" "Martin Luther King, Jr." "Would you like to come over to my house tomorrow?" "See where you live?" "Yes, that I would like." "Make some dinner together?" "Shh!" "Just the two of us?" "Alone?" "What'reyoulaughingat?" "Whitepicketfence?" "Youloveit ." "Clay grows tomatoes for us right around here." "He cans 'em too." "He's well-trained." "What was that?" "Mind your own beeswax." "Nocandles?" "No flowers?" "I'm ashamed of you." "Ashamed!" "Let's pray." "Thank you." "You're blessed." "Oh, she looks so peaceful." "She's faking." "Oh, she is not." "You read all these?" "Mostof'em." "Wow, I read this in the tenth grade." "Sosad." "Is that a Bible?" "Mm-hmm." "What parts of it do you believe exactly?" "Oh, man." "Anyfavorites?" ""Old things have passed away." "Behold, all things have become new."" "That's in here?" "Mm-hmm." "Who'sKelly?" "Don't wanna talk about it?" "It's complicated." "Kelly was my last real girlfriend." "Before all of your theories" "She was a" "She was the first girl I ever actually really cared for." "She gave that to me right before we broke up." "I really don't even know why she liked me, what she saw." "She was a--you know, she wanted to wait, and I didn't." "So I hooked up with one of her good friends." "On the rebound, she started dating some other guy, got pregnant, got married." "I hurt her." "Is that what made you change?" "It wasn't one big thing." "It was more like a like a lot of little things, all adding up." "You know?" "And that book, that didn't help much either." "I mean, sometimes I wish I never opened it at all." "Why?" "Because when I read it for myself," "I couldn't make fun of it anymore." "Someone else could, but I couldn't." "I felt accountable for the first time in my life." "The first time." "And it was genuine and real." "A sense of, I don't know, like a voice or" "You hear voices?" "No, I don't." "Not--it's not, like, real voices." "It's--I can't even explain it, still, even now." "It's hard to try to put it into words without sounding like a crazy person." "You are a crazy person." "Shh." "Listen." "What?" "You hear that?" "There it is again." "It's like a whisper." "You hear it?" "It's telling me something." "Oh, it is?" "Askherto go to church with you sometime." "Thank you, Aunt Zella." "Yougoto church?" "Not much anymore." "I did." "Thepeople there weren't perfect, so he felt out of place." "I believe that." "I just drifted away from it, that's all." "Kind of had my fill of the hypocrite show." "Well, I've never been." "So I think that you and I should go together sometime." "I'd like to experience that with you." "Why?" "GoodLord,youtwo ,both of you take me home already." "This is getting painful." ""Mercyandtruth are met together." "Righteousness and peace have kissed each other."" "It'sjustthatthe two ofyou are so different, that's all." "He's...different." "I know." "Youcando so muchbetter." "When he held my hand in that church, it felt like home." "What's better than that?" "Oh,stopit ." "I've been debating." "What?" "Cool." "I've always wanted to be in one of those." "Why are you giving this to me?" "Checkoutthename of the producer." "Youshouldwatch that sometime." "I don't need to." "Doesn't matter." "The man who made this doesn't exist." "Never even met him." "Allright,fellas, let's get to it." "Limo's here." "So, when do I get to meet her, huh?" " You don't." " Oh, she got a name?" "Yeah, it's What's Her Face." "Really?" "She coming to the wedding?" "Couldyou-- hey, come on, man." "We're gonna be late for our dinner reservation." "Dude,areyou pretty enough yet?" "Hey, bring it in here." "We'regettinghungry, man, come on." "Whowantssome of that good red meat?" "Yeah!" "Hotelsecurity." "We'regettingcomplaints about the noise." "Openthedoor." "We're just having a bachelor party." "We didn't mean to-- come in, come in." "Whichoneof yougentlemen's the registered guest?" "Well, it's the, it's the charming, handsome, intellectual black man right there." "I'mgonnaneedyou  to sit down, please." "David, sit down." "You should do what the lady says, David." "Fantastic,Brad." "David, David, don't do this." "Open that door." " Are you kidding me?" " Open the door!" "I'mnotgonna open the door." "ThinkaboutLisaand Cosie." "What?" "Theyhavenothing to do with this." "He's not hurting them." "Does anybody else have a problem with this?" "No,youknowwhat?" "Youknow,Clay, why don't you leave and let the rest of us enjoy the interrogation." "Yeah!" "That'sit!" "Yes!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Oh,getit !" "Get it!" "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I can't do this." "I can't." "Thank you, thank you." "I can't." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Come on." "Whatwereyou thinking, man?" "Come on." "Dude,I swearIdidn't know he was gonna do that." "Seriously." "I mean, all I wanted was a steak." "Getinthecar ." "All right, all right, all right, all right. all right." "Going for a walk." "Still my best man." "All right, brother." " Be careful." " Yeah." " Stay out of trouble." " Yeah, right." "Hey." "Hey!" "You owe me 200 bucks." "Oh,whereareyou going?" "Takingyourtoysand  going home right on cue?" "Justlikeyoualwaysdid." "So noble, so superior." "You're an inspiration to us all, and we bow before thee." "Whendidtreatingwomen with respect become the joke?" "Youwannalaughatbelieving love can be something sacred?" "Go ahead, laugh." "You want to know what the joke is?" "Hey!" "Doyouhaveany ideahowmuch you cost her in tips tonight?" "Don'tyouthinkyou ought to do something about that?" "Huh?" "What?" "Hey!" "Getoff,man ." "Didsomebodyask for your help in there?" "You think you're better than me." "My turn." "Choose." "What's it say?" ""Get lost."" "Start driving." "Get out." "Just me?" "Go!" "I'm going." "Overthere?" "Okay." ""How many sexual partners have you had in the past 10 years?"" "Ugh!" "And it was almost a normal date." "What does that mean?" "A normal date." "Oh, a normal date." "You mean where two strangers hop into bed and then try to figure out later whether or not they have anything in common." "Is that what you mean by normal?" "What is with you today?" "Whyareyousohard  on everybody?" "You know, most of us are just doing our best not to feel lonely, and it isn't easy." "Do you like living by yourself?" "Without anybody to" "Buy me flowers." "Make me a card." "I don't need you to make me your community service project." "I need you to dance with me." "That was okay, wasn't it?" "Yes." "I know it's in you." "I know it." "Flatter me." "Sweep me off my feet." "Tell me I'm the most attractive woman you've ever met." "Even if you don't mean it." "I don't care." "Lie to you?" "Exactly A normal date." "I've wasted a lot of words." "I don't want to waste any more." "On me?" "You're scoring all kinds of points." "It's not about scoring points." "That's right." "It's about red, yellow, green." "Fine." "I've been with five." "I've had sex with five men." "Heavy petted with four more, give or take." "And, oh, I was married once, for 2 years when I was 19." "Happy?" "Whatelsewould you like to know?" "It was like I was living by myself anyway." "So one morning, when he was actually home for a change," "I just walked up and set the divorce papers down in front of him, and made myself some oatmeal." "We didn't even discuss it." "Did he ever try to" "I don't wanna live back there." "AndI don'twanttotell you abunchof badthings about him, so that I feel less responsible." "Ican'tblamehim  for my decision, andyoucan'teither." "It's who I am." "I can't even remember how many girls I've been with." "Can we just get back into the car and get lost again?" "Too late." "Whyhaven'tyouinvitedme to David and Lisa's wedding?" "It'sthedayafter tomorrow, isn't it?" "You wanna go?" "Do you want me to go?" "Idon'twannacrowdyou or change you or what you believe in." "AllI wantis foryou to tell me how I make you feel." "Canyou?" "How do I make you feel, Clay?" "Do you feel?" "Doyouthinkaboutme before you go to sleep at night?" "Baby, do you long for me the way I long for you?" "Don't you wish you could just turn your head on your pillow and see me looking back at you?" "Ineedto know that you want me." "Ineedto knowthat." "It's important to me." "Please." "Verynice." "Comeon,youshowme." "That'sit,that'sit,  that't it." "Youhavingfun?" "Youhavingfun?" "Comeon,showme." "Olly,oily,oxenfree!" "You look terrible." "What are you doing to that poor love seat?" "I'm fixing it." "Obviously." "Love your work." "Hey, you want to come look at some other priceless antiquities you can fix?" "Got a two-for-one special on nightstands." "Oh, and a sledge hammer for free." "Yeah, they're great." "Come on." "Doyoulovethisgirl ?" "Doyou?" "If you do, life's too short." "And if you don't, life's too short." "That's all I got for you." "But if it doesn't work out, give me her number." "Didyoutellhim  about that?" "No,you'reright." "We're too different." "Youcan'tquit." "Whenthingsgetmessy, I move on." "That's what I do." "I'm really good at it." "Well, what happens when there's no place to move on to?" "The world is pretty big." "And it's pretty messy too." "Everywhere." "Bartender!" "Now we can do this every night." "Wait,don'tleave." "I'mgoingto go get something to cheer you up." "Don'tgoanywhere." "IthinkIfoundyou something interesting." "Looksfun." "Hi." "AmI themostattractive woman you've ever met?" "Sure." "You allergic to cats?" "Trish,haveyou seen Amber?" "You just missed her." "Do you know where she went?" "No!" "But I saw who she left with." "And you know what?" "Didn't look reliable." "Kelly." "Hi." "I'm sorry." "Can I come in?" "I'msorry." "I'm so sorry." "It's okay." "Just be with me now." "Noanswer?" "Comeon,man." "He has the rings." "Where is he at?" "Oh, he's probably just double checking your wedding vows for theological errors or something." "Makingsureyourceremony is up to his standards withoutstainor blemish." "Okay,allright,Brad." "Just let him live his own life." "No,I 'msickof it , all right?" "He's gonna crash and burn soon." "And I just hope I'm there to see it." "You'regonnabe late." "Iwasprettystupid last night." "Thanks,fornot" "Andso,before these witnesses, thosethatloveyou  and vow to sustain you both in your public commitment to one another," "I now pronounce you husband and wife." ""Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."" "Clay?" "Areyouthere?" "Open up." "Please open this door." "Please." "I don't want normal." "I want you." "Iwasn'table to appreciate" "YouknowwhatIdid on my honeymoon?" "Icriedmyselftosleep tryingtofigureout  why my brand-new husband was more interested in watching on the hotel TV than touching me." "Andthat'snotyourfault." "Why did you let her in?" "ThatwasBiblegirl, wasn't it?" "Wasanyoneelse here in the house?" "No." "You were alone together?" "Just for a moment." "Isawher leaving in the morning." "Did she stay the night?" "What's so funny?" "I was sleeping in my truck." "Whydidn'tyou come after me?" "I have a theory." "Maybelovedoesn'thavetobe  perfect to still be worth it." "Andmaybeyoudon 'thave to be perfect for me to" "Youdon'tknowall  the things I've done." "Iknowmorethanyouthink ." "I'mnotsureifI should be with anybody at all." "Whydidn'tyou come after me?" "I did." "IranintoTrish." "Shetoldme you hooked up with some guy." "Who?" "Idon'tknowhis name." "Ineverevenasked." "What'd you do?" "Ouch." "Amber" "Youknow,Icamehere ." "Icamehereready to forgive you, nomatterwhat." "I mean, that's what I'm supposed to do, right?" "Isn'tthatthewholeidea ?" "Isn'tthatthegoodnews ?" "You make it sound so easy." "Youmakeit sound impossible." "If I had betrayed everything I said I believe" "Godforbid you made a mistake!" "Youfell." "You got it wrong." "WhatdoyouthinkIdid ?" "Youtellme ." "Nothing." "Nothinghappened with that guy, Clay." "Wewentback to his hotel room, andheopenedthe door, andI juststoodthere staring at my feet." "Icouldn't." "Somethingwasdifferent." ""Behold,allthings have become new."" "All right, all right." "Welcome back, kiddies." "Live in the flesh, here I am, the Zen master of what you want, when you want it." "Now, where was I?" "Oh, that's right." "The rest of my crazy hot chickapoo at the wedding story from time recently served in flyover country." "Yes, sir." "Ididmy duty." "ButasIwas sayingearlier, it wasn't meant to be." "She never even uttered a single word." "Justturnedacomplete180,  walked out of my life forever." "Nothingbutatease." "AndI thoughtwe had something special." "SowhatelsecouldIdo?" "Afterfacingsuchrejection," "Ididtheonlything any respectable man could do." "Iwentdowntothehotel bar to try to redeem myself, findsomelonely,insecure, last-call-for-alcohol mama tohelpme tendtomywounds, helpmeforgetmyrecent and catastrophic loss." "Butinstead,Ifoundnothing." "Shefoundme ." "Doyouwantthe details?" "Yeah, you do." "Doyouwantmeto play Show and Tell andsharemy goodies with the rest of the class?" "Isthatwhatyou want?" "Is it?" "Is it?" "Shebelievedin me ." "Inyou?" "If you don't chase after that girl, you're nowhere near the person we thought you were." "Exactly." "I'm damaged goods." "She'sbetteroff." "I mean, I don't even deserve" "MyLord,if youwere any more self-absorbed, you would be a dot." "Soyouagree?" "Ishouldbe alone." "Mm-hmm,probably." "Oh, I'd like to wring your neck." "Look at you, the high and mighty." "You expect the whole world to stand up and do the wave for you, give you a trophy for being good, and if they don't?" "So help me, if you lock yourself away for another 9 years, you think that'll make you holy?" "I wish I" "I, I, I, I, I." "Stoptwistingit ." "Wake up." "Get over yourself, you and your pain." "StopusingthegraceofGod as a brick wall." "Doyougetthisupset over children starving?" "Over anyone else's suffering?" "Iadmireyousomuch ." "Inallmy years, I've never known anyone workashardatbeinggood." "Define "good."" "There is no goodness without mercy." "There is no virtue without forgiveness." "AndI 'mnottalking about Amber forgiving you, oryouforgivingAmber." "Noneofthis is about any of that." "Thewayyoucarryancient, crusty, useless guilt like a trained pet poodle you want to show off, like an excuse." "Letitgo ." "Whatareyouwaitingfor?" "How long?" "You are loved." "You are so loved." "Oh, my child, you are." "Listen to me, Clay." "Enough!" "Weneverarrivefully this side of heaven." "You could remain hidden in that house of yours for 100 years, never see another face." "What a shame that would be!" "Well, you would miss sharing it witha wholebunch of other confused nitwits, someofwhominexplicably care about you a great deal." "Playtimeisover." "Bea man." "This is the day the Lord has made." ""As the morning sun longs to break free of the horizon," ""Ilongforyou ." ""I really mean it, baby!" "Clay Walsh."" "You are so cheesy." "Comeon!" "Your chariot awaits." "One second." "Courtesy of one Mr. Clay Walsh." "Thankyou." "Youlookso beautiful." "Have fun." "Oh!" "Take your shoes off." "Hey there, pretty girl." "Hey there, stress boy." "I love you." "Sayitagain." "I love you." "The baby food aisle?" "A little on the nose?" "Very romantic." "I love you too." "Te amo." "Yes!" "You're supposed to" "Yes!" "It won't be easy." "Yes."