"[BOTH SPIT]" "I like how things aren't weird." "Right?" "If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like:" ""Look at those two roommates." "I bet they never sucked face."" " But we did." " I sucked your face." " You did." "You totally sucked my face." " Who cares?" "I mean, it's just cool, that's the thing." "We're just roommates." "We're just cool." "You know what I mean?" "Let's reward ourselves because we're doing so well." "Table for two, fanciest restaurant in town." "Yeah, and then we could have sex." " Heh." "Just joking." " Yeah, no, I know it was a joke." "Spot." "There's..." "There's a parking spot." "I'd just finished rinsing out the dumpster." "While I was buffing the back, I found this." " 4D." " So who gets the spot?" "NICK:" "Me." "WINSTON:" "I never get anything." " I need a win." "SCHMIDT:" "I was rinsing and cleaning..." "Give me the spot or I'll kill you all!" "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" "It's Jess" "NICK:" "I park under an overpass." "We all have crappy parking." "Guys, why don't we just all share the spot?" "We'll each get it for a day and a half every week and then we split Sunday into six-hour shifts." "Does it say "share stuff" in the constitution of America?" "No, it does not." "Nicholas, what does it say?" " "Don't share stuff."" " No one deserves that spot more than I do." "[CELL PHONE CHIMES]" "Lord knows I've done my fair share of spot-worthy things." "What are you doing?" "Daisy travels so much and I work at night." "[CELL PHONE CHIMES]" "You know, our sex window is like..." "I've lived in this loft as long, if not longer, than anyone." "I have the crummiest room." "I'm on 24-hour grout watch." "I pay the lion's share of the utilities." "Do I not?" " I refuse to pay for the wiffy." " It's "Wi-Fi."" "I didn't even have to tell you guys." "Why did I tell you guys about the spot?" "Goddamn!" "I'm the dumbest boy in school." " As the only woman in the loft..." " Don't play the lady card." " Lady card." " Race card." " Lazy drunk card." " Deserves the spot card." "Do I not every day have to deal with Outside Dave?" "Dave?" "I have to use my car now, Dave." "I work so hard!" "I just want some sleep!" "Dave, I'm going to go get some coffee." "Um, can I get you anything?" "Two percent latte." "He threw his dentures at me." "He doesn't like cookies." "Because I believe so strongly in women's equality I refuse you preferential treatment." " That's cool, Schmidt." "I really..." "Wait a minute." "[CELL PHONE CHIMES]" "Oh." "Sex window." "Now, if you all will excuse me I am about to go and park my car on her parking spot." " Ew." "Ew!" " Is there anything more important than this?" "WINSTON:" "Want the spot." " Not getting spot." "And then there were three." "That's right." "Just the way I want it." " Aah!" "Good job, guys." " Yes!" "How do you two care so much?" "Well, you know what this means." "Nicholas Miller is now a swing vote." " What?" "No." "JESS:" "He's right." "We're both voting for ourselves." "So that makes you the decider." " You're on your own." "I'm out." "JESS:" "You can't escape destiny." "She comes for us all, that relentless bitch." "That's right, destiny is a lady." "Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis." "Direct quote, Scott Caan." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Yup." "Hey, I found one of your hoodies and I borrowed it." "You want to know what I'm wearing underneath this shirt?" "Yeah, sure." " An invisible shirt." " I'm confused, Jess." "These are so long." "Mm." " Wouldn't put that in your mouth." " You chew on this?" " I do." " Mm." "You do, huh?" "It's crunchy." "Aw." "You get hit in the head or something?" "Are you flirting with me to get the spot?" "How dare you accuse me of that?" " The parking spot is yours." " Really?" " Yeah." " Thanks, Nick!" "That's so cool of you." "Sometimes I can be a gentleman." "Believe it or not." " Cool, all right." "Well, thank you." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Get in here, yeah." "We can..." "Let's hug this out." " Ow!" "Ow!" " Purple nurple." "Thank you." " I don't know why I did that." "I'll get ice." " Why did you do that?" "Oh, finally." "What took you so long?" "I said 2:45." "Not 3:08." "I couldn't follow your directions." "This complex is like a maze." "Every building in this place looks the same." "And for reference, I'm more of a left-right kind of guy." " Not so much a north-south kind of guy." " Put on a condom." " I don't..." " You forgot a condom?" " Got a grocery bag?" " Nope." "Tin foil?" "Hand sanitizer?" "You got a shower cap and a twist tie?" "You didn't bring the thing we need to have sex?" " What about a cap that's small?" " You serious?" "Um, I got quick reflexes." " I'm going to take care of this." "Okay?" " Okay." "Look, do not waste my time." "I will be back faster than you can say:" ""Damn, Winston." "I took care of myself."" "Don't..." "Don't say that, though." "Do not..." "Wait for me." "Wait." "Who wants an ice cold Heisler?" "All dressed up in a frosty mug." "Sure, I like beer." "I know you haven't decided yet but I just want to say, "Thanks, man."" " What for, Schmidt?" "We know you're giving the spot to me, but you're keeping up the charade." " Spot's going to Jess." " Jess?" "Give me the beer." " I'm trying to be a gentleman." " Hey, Schmidt." "Hey, Nick." " How you doing?" " Good, how are you?" "Good." " What the hell?" "JESS:" "Hmm?" " What the hell?" " I'm checking my e-mail." "Oh, okay." "You think that I'm blind?" "You think I can't smell it?" "You think I can't hear it?" "The stench of filth and lust is all over this room." "Smells like fricking Tijuana." "What happened here?" " Nothing." " Hardly anything." " Hardly anything?" " You know I'm not good at this." "Shut up." "Okay, fine." "We kissed." "Eh." "It was nothing." "So." "Moving on." " Don't be weird about this, Schmidt." " I mean, it was like a dare." "Mazel tov to the both of you." "Well, I don't know what mazel tov means, but it doesn't sound good." "Excuse me." "Sorry about that." "Emergency, emergency." "Sorry about that." "I need a condom." " That'll be 8.75." " Right." "What the hell?" "What?" "Damn it." "Took Daisy's pants." "Look, I don't have any money but I have somebody waiting, so if you could just, you know." " Next." " Wait." "No, no, no." "Uh, look, what about that box of condoms right there?" "Practically open." "How about you throw a brother a loosie?" "Next." "Hey, everybody, what's up?" "My name is Winston Bishop and I am in desperate need of a condom." "CLERK:" "Okay, that's it." "WINSTON:" "Now, hear me out, okay?" " Sorry, folks." "NICK:" "Hey, Schmidt." "Hey, Schmidt." "You okay?" " Who, me?" " Yeah." "Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine." "Look, I admit, at first I was thrown." "But I'm fine." "Are you seriously doing this?" "I can't believe this!" "This is so dumb!" "I'm sorry." "I'm just..." "I'm trying to process this whole thing." "Nick, you're my best friend!" "And you should have told me." "Jess, do you think mono is some joke?" "Nothing has changed." "Like, same old, same old." "Except for the fact that pre-kiss Jess didn't have a parking spot." "Post-kiss Jess does." "Sounds like change." " I won the spot fair and square, Schmidt." " I wouldn't say fair and square." "Oh!" "All right, fine." "I used my body." "Is that what you want to hear?" "I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me and I got a parking space." "Let me tell you something, Nicholas Miller." "You know, had Winston kissed me, you're the first person I would have told." " I know you would have told me." " But I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere." "I can't handle this." "Fine." "Schmidt, congratulations, the spot is yours." " Okay, really." " What?" "Nick Miller, you weakling." "I can't have people thinking my decision wasn't above board." " This city can't have another scandal." "Thanks." " Wise choice." "He's been manipulating you the whole time." "Look at him." " Look at his smi..." "He's smiling." " You know what?" "Just stop." "You're manipulating me." "He's manipulating me, and I am getting confused." "I am the decider of us three!" "I decide!" "Let the decider decide!" "I am not the suggester!" "I'm not having a good time with this game." "Give my regards to Outside Dave." "Stay away from my space or you'll have this to deal with." "Where are your nipples, man?" "I'll never tell." "[SCHMIDT CHUCKLES]" "You're either going to break your finger or you're gonna break that button." " Not going back in there." "Too weird." " You're the one making it weird, Nick." "You want weird?" "I'll give you weird." "Weird, weird, weird." "Fine." "Weirder, weirder, weirder." "Weird." "Weird." "Weird." "Weirder." "Eh!" " Weird." " Weird." "Weird." " Weird." "Weird." "Weird." " Weird." "Weird." "Weird." " What are we doing?" " I don't know." "You started it." " Is this how it's going to be?" "Is it?" " What are we talking about, Jess?" "Think things like this aren't going to come up?" "We need a long-term solution." "I'll give you a long-term solution." " I'm taking the spot!" " Oh, my God." " What's all the commotion?" " He's taking the spot!" " He can't do that!" " Kill him." "Kill him." "You said you'd kill him, now kill him." "NICK:" "First car in the spot gets it." "[ALL YELLING]" "JESS:" "Oh." "Uh..." "Oh, damn it!" "You middled me again." "I am not to be middled." "It's in my contract." "Shoot!" "NICK:" "Excuse me." "Aah!" "Five bucks if you help me fold this nicely." "I'm not going above six, so don't negotiate with me." "Ah!" "Go, go, sorry, go." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Okay." "Sorry, go." "Move it, you wacky bitch!" "NICK:" "It won't start!" "Unh!" "Help me push it!" "Get behind it." "Back in the box!" "Aw." "Cats." "Hey." "Hey, buddy." "[CAMERA CLICKS]" " What?" " Ha-ha-ha!" " Mine." " The laws of parking require a vehicle." "This is my vehicle." "This is my vehicle." "Don't you do it, Schmidt." " I'm not afraid." " Schmidt, no." " You just hit me." " You're sitting in the spot." "You hit me with your car over a parking spot, Schmidt." "Get out of the spot." "Jess." "JESS:" "Move or I will hit you." "I want that spot." " No." "No." "SCHMIDT:" "Have you lost your mind?" "JESS:" "Move." "Move." "NICK:" "What are you doing, Jess?" " Jess, stop it." "Stop the car, you lunatic." "NICK:" "What are you doing?" "No!" "No!" "No!" " What is she doing?" " What is going on?" "Can't believe I'm going down like this." "You're not in the space." "SCHMIDT:" "Okay." "Mine." "I'm not leaving." "NICK:" "I'm not leaving either." "I've got a purse full of hard candy and an empty bladder." " I'm here all night, folks." " I'm here all night." " I'm here all night." " That's what I said." "I'm happy you gave me another shot." "Yeah, so am I. You know, you can't judge someone based on their friends." "I feel like if you gave them another chance, you'd like them." "They are down to earth and chill, no drama." "[BANGING ON DOOR]" "WINSTON:" "Cece!" "It's Winston!" "You got a rubber?" "I need a rubber!" "[BANGING ON DOOR]" "He said rhubarb." "That's how he pronounces rhubarb." "It's so weird." "WINSTON:" "No, I need a condom!" "For my penis!" "What are you doing?" "Okay, we are not close enough for this." "We have spent very little time together." "You're the only person I know in this neighborhood." " Don't you dare come in my house." " Hey, man." "Hey." "I'm Winston." " Good to see you." " Shivrang, hi." "You got a condom on you?" "Oh, no." "Look." "That's not..." "We're..." "Her mother and my mother..." " Ahem." "I'm a chemical engineer." "CECE:" "Winston." "Look, Shivrang." "I know you have a condom in your wallet." "Do you actually think you're gonna get lucky with a sexy lady like that?" "You know, I feel like I'm getting lucky by just being here." "Be honest with me." " Okay, fine." "I've got a condom." " Winston." " Is he going to need that condom tonight?" " I'm going to punch you in the face." " I'm going to wring your damn neck." " This is awful." "Like, really." " This is worse than last time." " I'm removing you." "Out of my house." "It's a sour ball." "Not a bank safe." "Just open the candy." " You hungry?" " I'm starving." "Why don't you go up to the kitchen full of food?" " Just give me the damn candy." " Go get it." "NICK:" "No, no, no." "Unh!" "Okay." "I have a stabbing pain, and it's, like, right here." "It's my pishy." "I have to pish." "I think we should take a break." " Leave, you're out." " Drown in your urine." "Got to find a condom." "I need a condom!" "But I still want the spot." "Come on, come on, come on, Nick, come on." "Ugh." "Okay." "Condom, condom, condom." "Damn it." "Mm-hm." "Mm-hm." "Here we go." "Here we..." "I mean, she's either having crazy amounts of sex or does not know how to use these things." "[SCHMIDT GROANING]" "Oh." "Just focus, man." "Bring it in." "Absorb it." "[SIGHS]" " Did you just pee inside your body?" " Yes." "This is your fault, Nick." "You compromised the loft." "We had an agreement." "When Jessica Day signed that lease, you, me and Coach all took a no-nail oath." " "No-nail oath"?" " I didn't break the no-nail oath." " Your mouth nailed her mouth." " For the record, no one nailed my mouth." "That's important to me." "Also we didn't do anything wrong." "Do you know nothing about men?" "Yeah, I know nothing about men." "That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights." "A woman cannot be in close quarters with men and kiss one of them." "What fuels men?" "Competition and sex." "That's why the United Nations was formed." "That's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships." "And that is why there's a no-nail oath in Apartment 4D." "And deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right." "Mm-hm." " Back me up here." " I just want a piece of candy." "Are you serious?" "You didn't give me the spot and now you won't back me up?" " Why should he?" " Because he..." " Because." " Because you kissed?" "And now he owes you some sort of emotional support and loyalty?" "Reason number two for the no-nail oath." "Bitches be crazy." "Ha-ha-ha!" " Isn't that right, Nick?" " I found garbage that has chocolate on it." "Daisy, I'm back." "[GASPS]" "Daisy?" "Hey, Daisy!" "I'm here!" "Where you at?" "I don't have my phone and all these buildings look alike." "Hey, Daisy!" "You know Daisy?" "No?" "All right, okay, cool." "Now, I walked around with "yum" on my butt all day." "I deserve sex." "Protected sex." "Daisy!" "Schmidt's right." "I thought we could go back to the way things were, but we can't." "You nailed my mouth." "And you nailed it good and hard and strong." " Now things have changed." " But they don't have to have changed." "It's just different, Nick." "It is." "That kiss was the dumbest mistake I've ever made." "Dumber than Caroline." "Dumber than law school." "Dumber than when I thought it was pronounced "Brack Omabrama."" " What?" " I thought his name was Brack..." "That's not..." "If I could go back in time and take back the kiss, I would." "I would take it back." "I regret it." "Congratulations." "You're the proud owner of a new parking spot." "Oh, you gotta be kidding me." "Jess, wait." "You realize every second that you don't run after her you become more and more of a buttwad, don't you?" " Did you pee yourself?" " That I did." "That I did." "NICK:" "Jess." " Hi." "Hey, look." "Why are you holding a box of fish sticks?" "Because I'm going to scare the feral cats away that live in my current parking spot, Nick." "I'm going to throw fish sticks at them while singing "Memory."" " And don't you dare criticize me." " I don't regret kissing you." "I regret what it did." "I regret that it made things weird." "We are roommates." "We gotta figure this out." "A no-nail oath?" "You thought I was going to sleep with one of you?" " Like I just couldn't help it." " It was me, Jess." "I couldn't help it." "[BOX THUDS ON FLOOR]" " You dropped your fish sticks." " Shut up, Nick." "Ay-yay-yay." "Blah, blah, blah." " We're having a conversation." " Get out." "Well, that's the problem, isn't it?" "I live here too." "I'm going to be here when all this goes to crap." "Next time you have dirty thoughts, you better be thinking about me too." "Because I ain't going nowhere." "You are literally sitting in a puddle of your own pee." "The Apartment 4D no-nail oath." "Right here." ""We, the undersigned, agree never to nail our roommate, Jessica Day unless the sex can be parleyed into a business that provides for all parties."" " What?" " Didn't read the fine print." ""If one of the undersigned nails said female well, then all must nail her."" " What?" "!" "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "Let me be very clear here." "I am a strong, self-sufficient woman." "And I will not be nailing you, Schmidt." "Or Nick." "Or Schmidt." "Notice I said that twice because I don't feel it's sinking in." "There will be no nails or screws or hammers in this building area." "Generally, the whole thing." "Do you think that I want to do this?" "Believe me, pass." "I just don't want my home turning into a den of sexual tension and lies." "Now, do you want things to go back to normal?" " Yes, I do but..." " Then I just have to kiss you." "This is just one of those things." " No, I..." " Get past it." "We move on." " That's a bad idea." " Nick, you're into this?" " I don't know." "It might help." " Are you serious?" " I don't know." " Okay, fine, just get over here." " Do it and do it fast." " I'll be a hero." "JESS:" "Bring it on." "[JESS GROANS]" "JESS:" "Aah." "No, no." "SCHMIDT:" "Ooh." " Mistake." " It was really a mistake." "I made it weirder." "Is everyone in the world having sex but me?" "Old people, foreigners, nerds." "Everyone's banging." "Schmidt and Jess?" "Everyone is out there getting and giving except for old Winnie." "Look at me, a man who has absolutely nothing." "I left my phone, my wallet, and my dignity at Daisy's house." " I even left my pants there." "Look at this!" " "Yum." Ha, ha!" "I need a win, damn it." "I need a win." " You need a win, pal." "WINSTON:" "Ha, ha, ha." "WINSTON:" "It's a little tight in here." "Are you sure this isn't too tight?" "Okay." "Um..." "[DOOR BANGS, THEN CAR ALARM WAILING]" "Uh-uh." "This ain't going to work." "This ain't going to work for me." "Uh..." "I'm stuck." "Guys?" "Hey, guys." "Hey, where...?" "Guys." "Guys." "Guys!" "Hello?"