"Um..." "Wh..." "This is..." "This is the entertainment committee for the home, innit?" "Ripped By mstoll" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Um, we're planning a cabaret night." "Innit?" "Yeah." "We, um..." "We used to get a professional act to come in and... and do, er... a show, but now we haven"t got a budget for that, so..." " Yeah." "We can't afford it." " No." "But it doesn't matter," " cos we'll do it ourselves." " Do it ourselves, innit?" "Um..." "Er..." "I'm doing my, um, puppet act." "My bem..." "What is it?" "Bem... triquilism." "What is it?" " Ven..." " Ventricosilum." " What?" " Ventricosilum, mate." " Ventricosilum." "What is it?" " Ventriloquism." " What?" " Ventricosilum." " Ventriloquism." " Ven..." " Ven-tricka-silum." " Should be good." "Duran Duran, film script from 1998, I wrote it." "DEREK:" "How can we do a film?" " We'll make a play of the film." " Do a play of it." " Didn't get off the ground, this." " Why?" " Cos it's who you know, mate." " Hang on, you've written all that?" " Yeah." " Have you?" " Yeah." " Hang on a minute." "You haven't written anything, have you?" "I thought it was a full pad." " You've done, like, four or five pages." " Have you written a film script, mate?" "You haven't!" "Like I said, it"s four or five pages here." " Yeah, it's hard work." "It's hard work." " It's not a full script, is it?" "Bullet points." "Improvisation." "Is that one of the bullet?" "Hang on, get off." "Is that one of the bullet points?" "What's that there?" "A little knob with wings - is that a bullet point?" " KEV:" "Dickie bird." " When does that crop up in the Simon Le Bon life story?" "What else have you done here?" "Get off!" "Let's have a look." "You got it out!" "I'm allowed to have a look at it." "If you want to put it on, Kev, you've got to have your critics." "Ooh, there's a good one - what is going on there?" " It's my cousin." " DEREK:" "What"s he doing?" "Sucking his own knob." "I documented it." " What is going on in your head?" " What's going on in his head?" "It'sjust shit, Kev, it"s just scrawlings of a madman." "Put that in the minutes." "Top of the bill." ""Duran Duran play, written and directed by Kevin Twine."" "And I'm going to play John Taylor, if you please." " And I'll play Duran Duran." " KEV:" "What?" "I'll play Duran Duran." "Duran Duran is the band." "Do you mean Simon Le Bon?" " Yeah, Simon The Bomb." " Simon Le Bon, not The Bomb." "Le Bon!" "Bloody hell!" "I know Simon Le Bon has let himself go a bit but, Christ, look at that!" " Take a look at that." "Casting." " I'll do that." "What, you'll do casting?" "Yeah, what is it?" "Why are you volunteering for stuff that you don't even know what it is?" " What is it?" " It means" " choosing who's going to play what." " Yeah, I'll do that." "I'll do that." " KEV:" "Well, we've sorted that one out." " Yeah." " Right, we need wigs, we need costumes..." " Old ladies have got wigs here." "I suppose the boys did have horrendous haircuts." "And they used to wear blouses and leggings." "Get to it, mate." " I'll go through their wardrobes." " Go through their wardrobes." "Yeah." "Duran Duran:" "The Play, coming soon." "And my ven-tri-qui... ism act." "Ven..." "Ventrileriler... ism." " Quisilism." " Ven-triter-quiter... ism." " Ventriloquism." " What?" "Ventriloquism." "Ven-tril... ismism." "What would win out of a stag beetle and a..." "like, a... a frog, if it had a pair of pliers?" " (CAR STOPPING)" " Is that him now?" "Oh... yep." "We've got, um, a bloke coming in to do community service today, so I have to go and sign him in." "I likes it when community service people start." "Interesting." "This is the kitchen and dining area." "And then this is the main... room, really." "MAN:" "Yeah, um, they said I could do, like," " music therapy." " Oh, brilliant!" "Yeah, but these lot ain't gonna like my shit." "Oh, no, they will, they'll love it." "This is Derek." " Hello." " This is Deon." "He's a musician." " What do you play?" " Hm?" "Oh, my voice is my instrument." "I spit wires, innit?" "What?" "I rap." "Will Smith." "No, more like 2Pac." "Two what?" "Pac." "(GASPS)" "Racist." "This is the worst gig ever, man." "Thing's like a nightmare, man." "You just wait till you have to change their bedpans!" "DEREK:" "Yeah." "Don't throw away my tadpoles." " I'm going to show him round." " Yeah, introduce him." " Right." " See you later." "Joan, Prem..." " What is it, Deon?" " Deon, yeah." "Yeah, he's fit, yeah!" "Yeah, I'd hit it." "Nothing serious" " I don't want to get married or nothing, but..." "Yeah, a black kid'd be nice, though." "Especially as most of my family have got ginger kids." "Ain't got nothing against ginger people, it's just... there is a lot of prejudice against them in society, d'you know what I mean?" "You know, er..." "You know all this silliness about blacks and whites being different and all that?" "Bullshit, innit?" "I mean, we all create the same semen." "Yeah, that is true, technically." "I produce a beaker-load a week, mate." "Blacks and whites unite." "Mm..." "And Chinkies." "This is where he is, look." " Douglas!" " What?" "Meet Deon." "He's started work here - community service work." "This is Douglas." "He's the caretaker and he fixes stuff." " What are you fixing?" " DVD." "DVD"s got stuck." "He does all that, don't ya?" " Do it all, yeah." " What else do you do?" " Whatever needs doing." " Yeah." "It's my job description - if it needs doing, do it." "You-you don't live in here, do you?" "I spend most of my time in here, yeah, if I can." "Why?" "What?" "No, it's cool, man, it"s just... different world for me." "I'm used to, like, being on stages and that, you know, like, doing my rap and all of that." "Yeah, but that still doesn't get the problems sorted in the world, does it, standing on stage?" "No, bruv, you can change the world with lyrics." " No, you can't." " No, you can, man." "What-what song?" "What lyrics changed the world?" " Do the lyrics." "Do some lyrics." " Er, all right... (RAPS) The lesson is in session You wanna do a white man's oppression?" "Click, click, bang!" "My suggestion..." " What's all that about?" " No, not..." "I didn't even hear any of that." "I don't know what you were going on about." "I was just, you know..." "Do you know Neil Diamond, I Am...." "I Said?" "He says there's too many singers, don't you?" " There's too many!" " Yeah, but, like, I'm not, like..." " no-one else, d'you get me?" " Everybody says that, though." "That's what everybody else says on X Factor, Britain's Got Talent." ""I'm different." No, you're not - you're the same as the other knobhead who wasjust on." "Get a trade." "Makes me laugh." "They send them here as punishment." "Hilarious, innit?" "He does something wrong and they send them here." "What have I done?" "I've been here ten years." "Why are you here?" " Why d'you think?" " Dunno." "It's cos of the racism inherent in society, innit?" "Is it?" "No..." "What did you do?" "Police followed me through a shopping centre and arrested me for stealing some trainers." "What, and you hadn't stolen the trainers?" "That's neither here nor there." "If they weren"t following me, I wouldn't have been arrested, would I?" "No." "But did you steal the trainers?" "They followed me, assuming that I would steal something cos I was black." "And then you stole the trainers?" "We all make mistakes." "You're nice, though, anyway." "(SNORTS) Yeah?" "How do you know that?" "I can tell." "Joan says sometimes good people do bad things so give 'em a second chance." " Wait, who is Joan?" " Old lady what lived here." "But she died." "She was wise, cos she lived a long time so she knew lots of stuff, and she told me it." "And it upsets me just thinking about her, cos I..." "I loved her so much." "Sorry, bruv." "I knew you was nice." " Curly." " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm black." "Whatever." "I oves Deon." "He's a rapper." "Probably be on Top 0f The Pops or summat, you know?" "He made a mistake where he took some trainers cos he didn't have any money and he wanted 'em, like, ã100 or summat, but he won't do it again." "I said, "D'you want my trainers?"" "He went, "Nah, you're all right, bruv."" "I likes the way he talks." "When he's a pop star, he can have all the trainers he wants anyway." "So, er... why are you in here, then?" "Nicked some shoes." " Shut up!" " Mm." "I nick shoes!" " Well, no, I..." "I did nick shoes." " Yeah?" "Responsible now, yeah?" "Well... things to do." "So, is that, like, your uniform, then?" "Er, yeah, keeps your clothes clean." "No, it's cool, like, you know, you look..." "kind of look like a nurse." "But not..." "Not NHS, you know what I'm saying?" "Like..." "Like BUPA, d'you know what I mean?" "Like, I picture you, like, coming into, like, the plush room, grapes and that." "Sky Sports..." " You get me?" " Yeah!" "Thanks." "So, was you, like, in the riots and that?" "I was masked up, you wouldn't..." "you wouldn't recognise me, d'you know what I mean, but..." "HANNAH:" "He's nice, yeah, he's good." "He's got a lot of front, but, you know, he's about as gangster as Elmo." "But..." "He's a good bloke." "I mean, he might not let on he's a good bloke, but he is." "It's all right, man." "I mean..." "I mean, one thing the camera can't pick up is, like, the smell." "It smells like Oxfam in there." "Um..." "But, you know, it could be worse." "It could be prison, right?" "And, like, I've got none of that physical threat here." "I'm grateful for that." "You know, like, I could beat up anyone in here." "I'm supposed to do, like, a meet and greet, innit?" "So, greetings." "Oh, well, it's lovely to see you." "I hope you're very happy here." "Would you mind just going round and asking everyone if they fancy a cup of tea, maybe having a bit of a chat with one or two of them, just cos it would be nice?" " What d'you mean, "chat", though?" " Well, like a bit of conversation." "Yeah, but I don't think I'm ready for..." "Coloured boy." "A lovely coloured boy." "You all right, darling?" "How are you doing?" "Little coloured boy, yeah, lovely." "(DEON LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" "You want a cup of tea?" "Do I?" "Come on, Lizzie, come and have a sit down." "Fancy a cup of tea?" " Yeah?" "Shall we get a chair, then?" " Yeah." "DEREK:" "We got the... thing." "Deon." "Hey, we're having a cabaret Saturday here and I'm in charge of casting, so d'you want to be in Duran Duran?" " KEV:" "Derek..." " What?" "There were no black people in Duran Duran." "Think." "Well, d'you want to do your own rap or summat?" " I don't think so, bruv." " No?" " The offer's open." " No, I don't think so." "Yeah, I know there wasn't, but we got wigs." "(♪ DURAN DURAN:" "The Wild Boys)" "♪ Wild boys, wid boys... ♪" "Getting wigs and clothes and that for Duran Duran." " On a mission, on a mission." " Off the..." "Off the ladies." "Thatis John Taylor!" "Is that John Taylor or what?" "!" "Can I borrow that?" "Yeah, be careful with it, though." "That's one of my best things." "I'll have that as well..." "if you don't mind." "Same pout, same expression, it"s like Nick Rhodes' head on your desk!" " (THEY LAUGH)" " We'll have that." " Get that." " Knickers?" "♪ -...." "Wid boys" " Wild boys!" "♪ Never lose it" "♪" " Wild boys" " Wild boys!" "♪Never chose this way" "♪ Wild boys... ♪" "D'you want to be, um..." "Who's the drummer?" "KEV:" "Roger Taylor, mate!" "Yeah, d"you want to be Roger Taylor?" " Who?" " Roger Taylor." "Who's he?" "The drummer, you just have to sit behind the drums." " Me?" "I don't do the drums." " Yeah..." "No, no." "No." "Just have to..." "You can be him, right?" "D'you want to be?" "Um..." " All right, whatever, whatever." " Excellent." " This is easy." "What are you?" " John Taylor, mate." "I'm Duran Duran." "You're not Duran Duran, you're Simon Le Bon." "Duran Duran's the band." "Simon Le Bon." "Right, we've cast them, now let's get..." "Got to get more costumes." "That's all right, innit?" "Who's he again?" " This is embarrassing." " Roger Taylor." "Roger Ta..." "I'm actually going to take my name off this production." "Nick Rhodes, generally considered to be one of the world's most beautiful men." "Check that out." "It's a chicken on a keyboard." "What else do we need?" "Guitars." " I can't do it up." " Don't worry about it." "It won't make any difference." "It won't make any difference." "Look at the fella on the keyboard." "MAN:" "Well, we look a bit odd, don't we?" "DOUGIE:" "Just a little bit." "The thing is, it's not that odd, is it?" "The Rolling Stones are still touring." "♪ -...." "Wid boys" " Wild boys!" "♪ Never losing" "♪ Wild boys... ♪" "DEON:" "You know what?" "I'll be honest with you, yeah." "Like, when I first waked in here, it was nothing but, like, dread and concern, that I was actually thinking, you know what, take me to flipping prison, bruv, take me to prison, right?" "But, actually, now I'm thinking that's a dumb thing because, like, my eyes have been opened to one or two things that have made me think." "D'you know what I'm saying?" "Like...." "Like, for exampe, like, I could roll back into the endz, right?" "I could rol back into the hood with, like, Arthur, and say hello, peope woud be ike," ""Bruv, what happened to your clip?"" "D"you know what I'm saying?" "Like, what did? "Why are you rolling with roadkill?" or whatnot." "And I'd be like, "Bruv, hold up, yeah?"" "Because, ike, you man always taking about, ah, man went through this man went through that, ike, man took a scar, man took a bullet for this, that, and I thought, bruv, hold up, both of these two, like," "they've been in an actual war." "Like, not a rap lyric war, bruv, not a couplet about, like, some shit you went through outside Chicken George." "I'm talking about, like, straight up and down, like, man fought for man's freedom." "D'you know what I'm saying?" "Right, if wasn't for them, woud you even be here, wearing them trainers, sitting on that wall, talking some fraff that you're talking right now?" "Probably not." "D'you know what I'm saying?" "(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)" "I can feel the tension in the air in that room." "Yeah." "How many of them have you had?" "Trying to curb the high, mate." "Gotta stay relaxed." "Don't want 'em smelling my fear." " Smelling your fear?" " Yeah." "Over yourbreath?" "Having a laugh, aren't ya?" "(MOCKING TONE) Buh-buh-buhh buh-buh." "Show time." "I'm going to..." "He's going to introduce me, I'm doing my ven... tribolism." "Ventri..." " Tricopism..." "lism." " Trinspolis-is-ism." " Trin-trickercism." " DOUGIE:" "Jesus!" " Show time, mate." "Show time." " Yeah." " All right?" " (MUTED APPLAUSE)" " Good evening..." " AUDIENCE:" "Good evening." "...Broad Hill nursing home, thanks for coming." "Thanks for coming?" "As if they've got any choice in the matter." "They're not going anywhere." "Up for some fun?" "Yeah, set the roof off the place, yes?" " AUDIENCE:" "Yes." " Yeah?" "OK, what we've got coming up, I'm going to do somejokes, then we've got Derek and Poppy and then, er..." "Joe's going to do some stuff." "We're going to be doing a Duran Duran thing," "I wrote it in the late '90s, little play." " Excited?" " AUDIENCE:" "Yes!" " Do you want a joke?" " AUDIENCE:" "Yes." "Yeah." " What's got two legs and bleeds?" " WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:" "Don't know." "Half a dog." "(SHE LAUGHS)" "And again." "All right, now for the first act of the evening," "I didn't want him to do it, he can't do it, he's rubbish at it, but don't take my word for it, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage," "Derek and Poppy." "(MUTED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" " Yeah!" " AUDIENCE MEMBER:" "Whoo!" " He's just using it as a glove." " (MIC MAKES ECHOING SOUND)" "This is Poppy, Derek." " Jesus Christ." " Ven..." "Bit of ventri..." " KEV:" "Tricolism." "(DOUGIE SIGHS)" "Hello, Poppy." "Hello, Derek." "What have you been doing?" "I've been eating a carrot, or summat." "No voice?" " What?" " No voice." "Listen..." "What else you been eating?" "Another carrot." "Where you been eating them?" "Just in the hutch... in the garden." "One of the worst stories I've ever heard." "I haven't finished." "Right, and then what happened?" "I just had a poo and that." "Like, little nugget poos comes out." "This is crap." "Who likes impressions?" " AUDIENCE:" "Yes." " Dying on his arse." "What"s this?" "(LOW CROAKY VOICE) I will exterminate you." "AUDIENCE:" "Dalek." "Stephen Hawking." "(MAN IN AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Yeah." "Everybody knows Stephen Hawking ain't a Dalek, Dougie." "Not now." " What?" " Not now." "That's it for now." "(MUTED APPLAUSE)" "(WOMAN CHEERS)" "(WHISTLES)" "Let's hear it for Poppy." "Awful, everybody." "Right, welcome to the stage, Joe." "And then we've got Boys On Film, I wrote it." "(APPLAUSE)" "♪ You must have been a beautiful baby" "♪ You must have been a wonderful child... ♪" "(SLOW HAND CLAP TO THE BEAT)" "♪..." "When you were only starting to go to kindergarten... ♪" "We've got to get changed." "Quick." "♪..." "I bet you drove the other kids wild... ♪" "Duran Duran now." "Derek..." " What?" " I can't do this." " Why not?" " I don't feel very well." "He doesn't feel very well." "Oh, God." "Dougie, he doesn't feel very well." " Do you not?" " No, so you'll have to do it." " I'm not doing it." " Please." " I'm not doing it." " Come on, quick, please." "It's nothing to do with me, this." " We've gotta go on..." " I built the set." " No, I'm not doing it, it's not for me." " (DEREK PROTESTS)" "Please..." "Why's it always me that's brought in to this to sort shit out?" " I had nothing to do with this." " Please." "I used to think I was quite cool." "I can't be, can I?" "This is me life, these are me mates." "I used to think they're the daft ones, but I'm the daft one." "I'm the daft one here, cos they come up with all these daft ideas and it's me who gets dragged in, every time." "It's me on the end of it..." "sorting out shit all the time." "It's me on the M25 in a broken-down van full of old people with wind problems after having a bad curry." "It's me sticking me hand down a U-bend, getting out an old pair of tights." "It's me feeling sick because I've been breathing in turps all day rubbing off "twat" off a crab." "You've never heard that sentence before, have you?" "DEREK:" "Please welcome Duran Duran." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" " DEREK:" "This is the Duran Duran..." " Did you see Dougie?" " DEREK:" "Play, innit?" " Oh, no!" "It's..." "Um..." "This is when they started and how they met and that," " and this is, like, a true story, innit?" " KEV:" "Yeah." "And then we've got some songs what they did." " Yeah." " And they did it for real." "It wasn't in an old people's home where they met, so just pretend this is Birmingham." "It was olden days, like, 1780." " No, not 1780." " What was it?" "1980." "1980." "Right, this is how we met." "Hello." " WOMEN IN AUDIENCE:" "Hello." " And I'm Duran Duran." "No, you're not Duran Duran." "Duran Duran is the name of the band." "DEREK:" "Yes, right..." " You're Simon Le Bon." " Yeah." "Hello, I'm Simon Le Bon." "Do you wanna start a band?" " Yes." " Duran Duran, probably." " As soon as." " OK." " Cup of tea?" " Oh, thank you." "What the fuck is going on?" "Have you got any biscuits?" " I don't think so." " Yeah, bring some biscuits." "(♪ DURAN DURAN:" "Planet Earth)" "(HUMS WEAKLY)" "(MUMBLES)" " Sing it, sing the lyrics." " I don"t know the lyrics." " (MUMBLES)" " It's not a ghost!" " The lyrics." " I don't know them." "Well, why didn't you read the script, you prat?" "Sing it!" "(DEREK HUMS WEAKLY)" "(STIFLED LAUGHTER)" "And that was Duran Duran." "Embarrassing." "DEREK:" "Thank you." "We nailed it." "There is nothing funny about Duran Duran, Derek." " They're laughing at us." " Don't mind why they're laughing." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)" "More!" "More!" "DEREK:" "I never minds when old people are laughing, just as ong as they are laughing." "It makes me laugh." "Makes me happy." "Even if they're laughing at summat what I've done, like, sat in some rhubarb crumble, do you remember that?" "I likes them being happy." "They ain't got long, so... every... every minute is important." "I just wants them to be happy all the time." "Do you think I could go on Britain's Got Talent?" "Oh, I don't see why not, yeah." " Deon, hello." " Hiya." " Did I miss the show?" " Yeah, yeah." "We did Duran Duran and everything." " It was incredible." " Yeah, yeah." " You don"t still want me to perform?" " Yeah." "You got a song?" " Yeah, I can..." " Yeah, definitely." "Oh, cool." "Everybody, Deon"s going to sing a song for us now." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "All right, yeah, just a little something I wrote for you lot, yeah." "All right, this is going out to all of you, yeah?" "Arthur, my OG..." "Yeah?" "Say, though, stay awake for this one, yeah?" "All right, this is how it's going to go." "Check this out." "(RAPS) Yo" "My first thoughts when I stepped through those doors was..." ""Great I always wanted to work next to a corpse"" "Like, if you ever said "Go hang with some old gran"" "I'd say, "No, thanks I don't even like my own nan"" "I just figured these lot have piddled in their seats" "That they all love Richard Keys and they're riddled with disease" "So quiet that they sound dead" "I mean, how much care's taken by that caretaker with the round head?" "Like, if you choked on a letter from your Scrabble set" "He might save you if he's like, "Wait, is that an X?"" "That's why I give a bit of credit to the little fella, Derek" "Cos he showed me oldies got a lot of merit" "And that they ain't all heirlooms and bare gloom" "And trouser smells that linger in your spare room" "Doing my time in this place I thought I'd hate it, but now I'm here" "You know what?" "Still hate it" "But I made it, and..." "Hey, with the greatest respect to the aged" "I came from a place with no thoughts of ageing" "Where life is a game with a makeshift playlist" "That plays all the same shit" "So what I'm saying is, it's an eye-opener" "Meeting you Even the one who's a bit of thigh-stroker" "So now I hope to take a long look at myself" "But, bruv, this ain't like Oprah" "I ain't gonna start jumping on my sofa" "I'm just saying I might look my life over" "Now, I normally bump fists But let's shake hands" "I ain't a changed man I just wanna say thanks." "It was nice to meet you lot, yeah?" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "Thank you." "You're brilliant." "No, you're brilliant, bruv." "Ripped By mstoll"