"PEARLS OF THE DEEP" "THE DEATH OF MR. BALTAZAR" "So I went to see the archbishop's palace." "The garden was a mess of dry leaves, and there was an old hag sitting there munching on an apple." "If archbishop Kohn had seen that he'd bust the rake right over her ass." "Harley Davidson - 500." "750." "Model 1944!" "His Grace was ball of nerves." "After he got shot by that gameskeeper whose wife he'd been seeing." "In the end, he and his lady cook moved to the Tyrolian Alps to be closer to heaven." "How could you have done that to the car?" "How?" "We were driving home at night." "And Slavek says:" "We can only die once, so here!" "Take the damn steering wheel!" "And so I was driving, even though I couldn't see much." "And actually, we didn't hit the ditches that often." "You're never driving my car again!" "Were there many of you in the car?" "Only six of us." "Plus the bed." "What bed?" "This butcher had to move his bed." "He was in the car too." "Good thing that car is so sturdy." "For me, the life doesn't start till I hear the roar of compressors." "Jawa 250." "Right." "This is Jawa 50." "Manuel Fangio says:" "Some racers average 97 miles an hour." "But they get killed very soon." "Some racers average 94 miles." "They never win a race." "Therefore, I average 95 miles and I keep winning." "Norton!" "Bultaco!" "Yamaha!" "Ermaci, Mondial." "Don't they sound great!" "The engines, yes!" "No, those names!" "No, those engines!" "Listen!" "This is music!" "Redman, Hocking," "Baltisberger, Taveri..." "All the great names are here!" "Our boy Stastny will show them anyway!" "He needs crutches to walk now, and they will hoist him on his bike, but he'll push off with his good leg and win!" "This is always a good spot." "But you can see better from there." "Yes, but it's more peaceful here!" "There's a ton of people over there." "Because every year somebody wipes out there." "Here you can see clear as day, but they roll right to your feet." "This was where that Italians frame broke two years ago!" "At the speed of 80 km/h!" "Every year something happened here." "That's what draws these crowds." "I come here every year." "You never run out of things to watch." "If only they held car races here." "Hermann Lang, Caracciola, 4 and half litres capacity, 2 compressors," "That's something to see!" "Rudolf Caracciola said that his life doesnt's start" "till he hears the roar of compressors." "You know Caracciola, Sir?" "Yes." "I stood beside him at his wife's funeral." "She died in an avalanche." "I was at the GP of Tripoli when that dog ran under the wheels of Achille Varzi." "Don't even remind me." "I also saw the Monza tragedy in training." "The oil leaked out of one monoposto." "Borzachini and Campari skidding and dying there." "They plummeted from the rock down into the sea." "And Czajkowski?" "He killed himself on the same slick, but an hour later." "So you knew Borzachini?" "Yes." "I went out drinking with him after he'd won in Milan." "He cashed his prize money, and was standing by a fan throwing the bills up and we were dancing in the whirling millions!" "True party animal." "The young baron Königsvater had the same personality." "His father was breeding horses and he put mirrors in their stables, so they could see themselves and have a better appetite." "But his son went though the money, so fast with this poor actress he married he gave the old man a stroke!" "Or the infarction as the say now." "What a nice story." "You're lucky to have witnessed so much in your life." "All those crashes and dramas." "Am I not lucky?" "And I haven't even told you about the pile-up at the Austria GP." "After the composer Smetana died, they wraped sausages in his compositions in Jabkenice." "That's what you get for trying to entertain people." "Antonin Dvorak tried this, but the nation prefers to booze it up, and listens to Humoresque." "When I still had at least one leg, I got around all over the place." "But now, they are both gone!" "It was possible with one leg, but when I lost the other one..." "Jawa 350." "How could your wife tell?" "She has a musical ear." "And lyceum diploma." "Beautiful." "So what do you think the best car is?" "Masseratti," "Mercedes or Alfa Romeo?" "Walter." "The 1931 Walter convertible." "It can easily haul a ton of potatoes." "Last week, it hauled six butchers and a big cupboard." "You can control it easily." "It grips the road." "Spring suspension is soft." "And it flies uphill..." "Oh, hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "I wish they had car races here!" "4 and half litres capacity." "2 compressors." "That's something to see!" "That's bluder, mister!" "Motorcycle racing, places much greater demands on the athlete." "He must grow as one with his machine!" "And that perfect union makes it more like flying or ballet." "We used to race too, but on the fire engines." "We ask the security organs along the entire track to..." "I know something about big hearts, madam!" "When I was down to one leg I was still riding a Harley!" "But when I lost the other one..." "I was taking my brother in the sidecar." "Artificial limb instead of my left leg." "All of sudden the sidecar just tore right off..." "My brother ditched and my pegleg got ripped off, along with my leather trousers." "And I fell down." "But the pegleg landed on the road, right in front of two ladies walking round." "One of them fainted on the spot." "I was all right, so I was loping on my foot to get my leg." "I grabbed it and as I lifted it up, the other one passed out too!" "It wasn't bad with one leg, but no legs..." "That's why I'm so grumpy now." "This one swell dame tried to drink herself to death with slivovitz on account of me..." "Her name was Zdena Malikova." "When she kissed me in the bar, all the dragoons went crazy." "She took me up to her room once..." "But I started lecturing her on how divine Mozart was." "Mr. Baltazar has a big heart." "And Mr. Stastny doesn't?" "Yes, but he's a power rider." "He makes your hair stand up on end." "He's a power rider." "Zdena Malikova whispered in my ear:" ""You'll win me over by being a man!"" "I was going to jump out of the window, but it happened to be on the ground floor." "Then Zdena cuddled up to me whispering" "I could do whatever I wanted with her." "So I went lecturing:" "When Strauss heard Mozart's Jupiter, he was disgusted." "And she said:" ""You are disgusting!"" ""Don't you see my body?"" "But when Mr. Stastny takes control of his machine, he has no equal." "Just the way he straddles it..." "Nobody else takes the risks he takes!" "He crashed sixty times but only few injuries." "At the Prachovska GP he crashed at the speed of 80mph." "He fell on the concrete track." "You should have seen the sparks!" "I was watching it from my sister's window." "His machine was wrapped around the tree..." "And Mr. Stastny went into the ditch, right below our windows." "I said:" ""Mr. Statsny!" "Come on in!" "You can wash your hands." "Would you like to have a cup of coffee?" "You're done for today anyway."" "And he climbed right into our window!" "I wanted to run away, but there was a huge dog outside." "So I sang to her "Be only mine, my dear Violeta" and gave in." "Too bad Dickey Deyl, Keith Cambell and Bob Brown aren't here anymore." "They could be a tough rivals." "Dickey and Keith got killed in the same race." "Bob Brown broke his neck a year later." "So I sang to her "Be only mine, my dear Violeta" and gave in." "Mr. Baltazar will knock'em dead today!" "He'll put them all back in their place!" "There's a great deal of commotion in the pit." "The riders are climbing on their machines." "It's the strongest cubage race." "We ask the organisers to secure the track." "We ask the riders/i for maximum discipline." "The cream of the racing world on the best machines is aproaching the starting line." "Last arrangements." "The riders put the goggles and helmets on." "The motors are still off." "The riders are leaning down, to their handelbars." "Go!" "Where is Mr. Baltazar?" "Over there." "Don't even go there." "Why do I always have to see it?" "My own double crash," "Farinas wipe out," "Prince Biro plowing into the crowd." "Borzachini skidding on that oil stain right before me!" "That dog at the Tripoli GP killing Achille Varzi." "I always gotta see everything." "That's a Norton, isn't it?" "Praga 350." "Bavarian." "BMW." "BMW." "Bavarian." "Bavarian is the dark beer." "Brewed in Munich." "It's a German beer." "They use oxen to transport it, so it doesn't get jostled around." "They stick shiny brass balls on their horns" "You can tell from far away that here comes that strong dark lager." "THE SWINDLERS Me, when I wasn't mad" "THE SWINDLERS I couldn't compose a line." "And when there was nothing to write about," "I'd just manufacture something." "Once, I got drunk in the Orient bar with a hooker." "Boom, I had an article about night life in Prague." "The headline was..." ""Tragedy with a Female Alcoholic."" "I won't go into the disease I caught... once at Bal Negré." "Once I went to Tunel bar..." "You mean The Tunel in Tyn?" "Exactly." "I got great ovation there once." "I was singing Strauss "Randez-vous."" "So I walk into the Tunel, they were just about to close." "And I didn't have a thing for my newspapers." "So I walk up to this bearded customer, trying to provoke him." ""Sir, you look like the Jezuskind!"" "And he slaps me, screaming:" ""Do you know who I am, you trot?"" "The chairman of Czech Anarchists!" "My name is Vrba!" "Do you understand?" "!" "Vrba!" "V as in Vermouth!" "R as in Rum!" "B as in Bailey's!" "A as in Absinthe!"" "What was your favorite role my friend?" "My gala performance was..." "My recital of "The Rose of Istanbul"" "The Rose of Istanbul, my one and only" "You're my Scheherezade..." "I did a lot for the Czech operetta." "But tell me about your journalistic exploits." "Once I got a tip about gambling on Krejcarek." "So one detective and I, went undercover," "and we found the place." "They were playing on a cart." "Lit by a few candles..." "Betting whatever they'd managed to steal or cadge" "during the day." "A tallier made a valuation and paid the money." "I didn't want to look suspicious, so I bet my shoes" "on the nine of diamonds." "The dead bird!" "What?" "On the dead bird." "I see." "Well, I lost." "Then I bet my overcoat, and watch... on nine of spades." "The goat and butterfly!" "But then all hell broke loose," "The tallier blew out the candles." "it was pitch dark and the cops swooped in." "And I went home softly barefoot" "And wrote my article:" ""The Monaco of Prague's underground."" "But listen, my friend." "You must have looked well, in a pair of swallowtails." "You bet!" "I had a three different cuts of tuxedoes." "I was true dandy." "The czarevich," "Danilo and prince Orlovsky." "Wait a minute..." "My favorite composition was "The Tchardash Princess."" "Tousands angels in the paradise, I love you..." "My friend, are you all right?" "It's nothing, I was just choking." "Tell me more about your articles." "Something... about cards." "What a great article that was!" "The headline:" ""The Den of Damned Millions"," "I said that there were only three ways to leave the Pick's gambling joint." "One led to the Wilson train station, one led to the Pankrac prison," "and the last one to the Olsany cemetery." "In that article," "I calculated that all the money, gambled away there in ten years, could have easily paid for another Maginot Line!" "My favorite card game was "God's Blessing."" "A few times I lost everything." "I even bet and lost my shoes and tie." "I went back home and never told anyone." "You tempt fate with cards." "But what can you do when the fate screws you anyway." "Should't I call the nurse?" "You should have seen me singing "Marry Widow" in Brno." "You should have seen me singing "Merry Widow" in Brno." "I entered the scene in black swallowtails, and white silk, crading the top hat on my arm I began to sing:" "I will go to Maxim's, where is always frolic..." "But my most famous number was" "Oskar Strauss' "Last Waltz."" "Was it my fault that real princess fell in love with me?" "A mere lieutenant?" "Was it my fault I had to sing on a ball only for her" ""Love is but a dream" song?" "The commander pulled down my epaulets and broke my sword in half before the whole regiment!" "I had to flee from the country of a waltz!" "Of a waltz!" "Lay down, I'll call the nurse." "Talk to me, my friend." "I love the sound of human voice." "These two were something else!" "This one registered here as the soloist of the opera." "When administrator called the union, he died without any relatives, they found his name only in the choir credits." "Far from soloist." "He was in the choir." "He probably borrowed these duds just for a photograph." "The other one was just like that." "He registered as a journalist." "But all he ever penned were a few lines for the "Gardener's Helper!"" "So what, you can't hold that against them." "I do!" "What would this world come to, if you stopped distinguishing the good people from bad." "The honest folk from the conmen." "So how are we doing, my friend?" "Duodenal ulcus?" "Give it ten days and you'll be just like new!" "Wanna bet?" "Thank you doctor!" "THE HOUSE OF JOY" "So let's see, you dummy!" "Lift your leg!" "Let me measure it, come on!" "No horseplay!" "You jolterhead!" "You know I'm scared!" "Here, thats a good boy." "Look at me, you...!" "Show me your leg!" "Now you see!" "Oh, come on!" "Show me the leg." "Be quiet!" "Will you?" "I need to measure it." "And this will fit here." "Come here and be quiet!" "Be quiet!" "Calm down!" "Is this supposed to be my horse?" "It's throughbred Belgian horse!" "True champion!" "What are you painting?" "You painted him dragging his stomach on the ground." "Like he was some kind of weasel." "Don't be silly." "I'm painting this for you!" "Ok, let's go!" "If that coachmen could judge the art, then the painting would be rubbish." "Quite so!" "We're here on behalf of the State Insurance Company." "I've been waiting for you for ages!" "We have your life insurance for you!" "So look here!" "So everybody is covered by the national insurance now but you can do even better!" "This enhancement guarantees safety." "Clause 10 is suitable for you, I think." "But let's get factual." "The clause 10 enables that" "You can request an advance against the pay-out as early as two years from now." "Let's face it." "It's an immutable law of life." "The new replaces the old." "But progressive person is not afraid to think of this matter." "One of these solutions is our funeral insurance!" "Clause 10 covers:" "Black coffin, with metal inlay eventually," "The clothes, handling the deceased, the transport, the cremation, the ceremonial speakers, incineration and the funeral urn." "You can of course expand your coverage further." "This includes the flowers, wreaths..." "All to satisfy the "not yet deceased person."" "So he won't make any trouble for surviving relatives." "So you see, goat, how I rewarded you." "I'll certainly get it." "I'm too old already." "Been walking on the goatskins for 35 years." "Good!" "And I have more glad tidings." "We have just lowered our rates on the single-axle and three-wheels vehicles." "Let's face it!" "No matter where we are, we are in danger all the time?" "And accidents happen unexpectedly." "And this covers injuries and accidents." "So we offer coverings for:" "Fires, explosions, collisions, roll overs due to skiding... tornadoes, hailstorms, tree falling, scratching the paint by children." "Dou you have any children?" "No, I don't." "All the more reason to have national security for your old age." "Doesn't all this scare you sometimes?" "It does from time to time." "That's why I want to paint them!" "I used to say to my mother:" "I wish I could bring all those goats, at least those goats I've killed, back to life." "So where is all this stuff comming from?" "Well, that's what I like the most to grab a knife and cut goat's throat." "Once when I was in Prague," "I saw them killing horses." "They blindfolded them." "I almost started crying." "Yes." "Here we have something else." "Perfectly suitable to you." "The suplementary insurance." "Not only it covers all the stuff mentioned before, but also smaller things." "It seems you have lot of these." "It looks like perfectly designed for you." "The covering includes also paintings." "These are my dreams." "And my daydreams." "So where is all this coming from?" "Well, it's in me like the milk in a goat." "You've painted all this?" "Yes, I have." "This represents... those people sitting under the trees here..." "This is how they were carrying the flour during German occupation..." "This is how they are resting..." "Here they are hiding in the trees..." "This represents..." "a girl... with an oar... she..." "And there..." "This is an oar?" "This is an oar?" "I don't know what it's called." "The thing you use to..." "I don't know." "These motives are from Sumava and these from Tatras..." "And this represents..." "Hussite commander Jan Zizka, emerging before the Crusaders." "These are the Crusaders?" "Yes, they are." "But were do you get these ideas?" "I wish I knew!" "What do you think about while painting?" "I turn on the radio and sing along." "Here..." "Do you paint nudes, too?" "That's naked lady." "She didn't come out right." "And here we have a young lady..." "She's exercising." "Doing the gymnastics." "With that gentleman?" "I guess." "But how did you come up..." "Wait a minute!" "Here we've got a surprise!" "Clause six!" "Our insurance gives you..." "So this is a deer?" "Yes a deer with..." "A dwarf." "A dwarf, a toadstool and that's a doe." "What's here on the door?" "A lion?" "Yes, and this guy's feet hurt so he climbed on top of him." "And this represents..." "My neighbour had a son..." "The boy was a hunchback." "His mouth was also wry a little bit." "Just like his mother!" "Old Salasova said, the picture is very close." "And this guy with the dogs!" "Is he the same person?" "No, he isn't." "How did you think of him?" "The one with two dogs." "I get an idea, that's all." "I just get a good idea, and then I do it." "Simple as that." "And the dwarfs?" "The dwarfs..." "They are knockers." "Where do they come from?" "I painted those, because the radio is telling lies very often." "So the dwars are there because of the radio?" "Exactly." "When I was listening to those lies I promised myself:" ""Mother, I'll paint the dwarfs with picks there, so they could smash it." Except they'll never come alive." "So what do you paint with?" "Oil paints." "With a brush?" "Yes, with the brush." "There is another forest, right?" "Yes." "And a chapel." "Chapel with St. Wenceslas." "He's the one on the horse?" "Yes, that is him." "And next to him..." "I screwed him up." "That isn't supposed to be there." "They said it's mockery." "And there..." "Mockery of who?" "St." "Wenceslas." "You like vivid colours, don't you?" "I do." "Mostly yellow." "Lately I've discovered blue." "Emperor Wilhelm's favorite colour!" "Is that a fact?" "He liked to use blue." "So that's why..." "According to him..." "These are beaks, right?" "Wait a minute!" "The fee is based on the original terms when the insurance is paid." "Will 40 thousand be enough?" "Oh, sure!" "Listen, forget about insurance!" "Buy yourselves paint and paint!" "You'd be paying a lot for very little." "But I've made up my mind to get insurance." "I can't go on in the skin business." "That is right!" "Sign here!" "With pleasure!" "Here." "I've already made my mind," "I wan't that insurance." "No skin business anymore." "The insurance?" "We can't even afford a paint!" "Dear Lord, save us..." "This is my Mom!" "She is my muse." "She gives me all the ideas I paint." "Where are my glasses?" "Come, rise with me, son..." "So what do they call you?" "Tonicek, right?" "Yeah." "Tonanek, Antonin, Tony..." "Here are the special ones." "Flabbergasted?" "These walls are still waiting." "And this is my sons brushpencils on glass." "Here is St. Bernards accident." "He swallowed a spider while drinking..." "and he crawled out..." "Beautiful." "...of his mouth alive." "Nice, isn't it?" "Yeah." "That's beautiful!" "And how about this?" "Splendid!" "Look at this!" "What do you say?" "Breathtaking!" "Lady, do you realize you've thwarted official business?" "I know, you Antichrist!" "Do you have a Mom?" "I do." "Every mother dreams of what her son will achieve in life." "It never occurs to her she gave birth to a conman!" "Our Lord Christ is here with us and he's seeing it all." "There is no Christ." "You make a big mistake!" "That was the only painting we ever sold." "The village wanted to save money so they gave the job to us." "But it was a toil!" "And we had to give the money back!" "Were do you get all these ideas?" "It's in me like a milk in the goat." "I must insist that it was thwarting oficial business!" "When we paint over everything here, we'll offer the house to the National Galery." "Let them give us a clean house and we'll paint it too." "We'll need a cable car here so people won't be allowed to step over the paint." "We are doing it for free, just for people to enjoy." "Cripes!" "I had me a little nap!" "Is it that dark already?" "Mummy!" "Can you sense what I'll paint now?" "Little tongues!" "Go ahead and paint it, my boy." "I'll fit it somewhere." "Here is "The Revelation of St. Dominick,"" "A token for all your help." "And now I'm climbing up on the scafold." "God damn it!" "What the hell is this?" "Watch out!" "It certainly was thwarting official business." "A catastrophe!" "What me getting married?" "!" "Oh boy!" "What me getting married?" "!" "This isn't about me!" "I can't stand any cruelty to animals!" "Wait, wait!" "Look, some things are better left the way they are!" "She most certainly did thwart official business." "Better leave some things the way they are." "THE GLOBE BUFFET" "You can kiss now, children!" "We can't keep her in here." "We have food here!" "Call the police and close up for the day!" "That's easy for you to say, but we stay open around the clock!" "All right, closing time, people!" "No time for a draft!" "So what, doctor?" "It's none of your business!" "Let's go." "We need to hustle." "We've got that injury now!" "Injury?" "But I need..." "We've been waiting for you the whole day!" "Really!" "Come on, gentlemen, move it!" "One beer." "Come in the morning!" "Get lost, let's go!" "Not till tomorrow morning!" "We were buddies..." "Sure!" "Get lost!" "Hey, what about my beer?" "In the morning!" "What are you doing here?" "Do you have..." "Tell me something amusing!" "And give me a beer!" "In the morning!" "So what happened to you?" "Did you fall off a streetcar?" "I wish." "My fiancée ran away from me" "I didn't know you had a fiancée." "Well, it happened suddenly." "It was kind of strange... situation." "I had this weird girlfriend." "The day before yesterday... we were breaking old bread for the dinner" "and toasting it in the oven, and..." "You were dining on stale bread?" "Yep, an old bread." "Because we'd always blow my paycheck in couple of days." "And this chick if she didn't have a little dough, se'd get all these dark ideas." "Once she wanted to commit suicide together." "She says "Baby Karl, let's open the window and jump out of it holding hands!"" "She heard that some guy stuck an ironing board out of his window and blindfolded took a walk on it." "He died of course." "You know the state of mind you're in before suicide." "So we washed off," "Put on our best clothes" "She wore her red taffeta dress." "She put on the beads, and I opened the window, and look down." "And there was this TV antena under us." "If we'd jumped out, we'd get all cut ip." "That wouldn't be very aesthetic." "Why do you care what you're going to look like afterwards?" "Sometimes she called me a mental case." "How could I be mental while working" "To the precision of one thousandth of a millimeter?" "One time I was spinning her around by her arm and her leg to calm her down." "But I miscalculated a little bit." "I must admit that she was wonderful." "Her head crashed right through the door." "She was stuck in there like a fish in a net." "And when the neighbour was yelling she kept defending me." "Goddamn riffraff!" "What are you looking at?" "Go home!" "This ain't no show!" "Wanna beer?" "Here you are!" "I'm going nuts!" "I just have to see everything." "I was walking the other day..." "And I see nice girl, maybe nineteen." "And she dives under a locomotive!" "And her head rolls right up to my feet!" "And she's still winking at me!" "Man, why would a handsome guy like you wear rags like these?" "So what?" "That's the latest fashion." "Everyone wears this at the factory." "Some fashion." "Never seen this." "Want a beer?" "A quart." "You should see our boys!" "First they started wearing patches." "Then they began using wires." "Now I have only one piece." "I liked that very much." "I'm never letting go of this chick." "Her being frigid is what saved the modern graphics." "If she were normal, we'd be making love instead of Absolute Graphics." "You owe me six crowns, handsome!" "What are these people waiting for?" "There's a big wedding upstairs." "Close the door behind him, Eva." "And what about you?" "So you still like it at the factory?" "I guess now I need that factory like I need that chick." "They even staged my first exhibition there." "The name of the exhibition is..." ""The Tactile Impression of a Factory."" "Did the workers like it?" "The younger ones mostly did." "But now the whole place is showing off." "They are saying that without them," "I would never break trough." "That's what I call a wedding." "So your fiancée ran off yesterday?" "No, the day before." "But I can't really blame her." "She was well-read..." "She liked romantic stories, and famous men biographies." "She had dreams of two bedroom apartment with a kitchen." "Her parents have this family tree 600 years back." "One of their ancestors was a camerlengo." "The true is that sometimes we were pounding an old bread." "She was selling standardized bottles." "Once she cut up a brand new dress." "And sold it for rags." "She was selling my books too." "I didn't like that." "My bookcase got almost empty." "But other than that we lived absolutely." "Ma'am, we met so beautifully!" "So where is she?" "Here!" "The doctor knows everything." "Once me and my friends were just all depressed, so we were casting our death masks." "Someting to leave behind, you see..." "And this odd, interesting, girl saw us through the window." "I don't know how she did it." "She really liked what we were doing." "But she was completely broke." "And then, when my friends left, and she was about to leave too," "She asked me to make her mask too." "Why didn't you turn off the lights?" "There are so many rubbernecks." "So what you find, doctor?" "I examined her thoroughly, but I saw no signs of violence." "Do you see the strangulation mark?" "It's a little bit wider, deeper and incomplete." "The clear cause of death is asphyxation." "I'll write the autopsy report here on the spot and we will hand her over to you." "Coroner's inquest, yes." "You can give it to us later." "We'll snap a few shots anyway." "So where's the rope that young lady hanged herself on?" "It's still in the bathroom." "What happened?" "You run into a counterpuncher?" "I got kicked!" "That guy was really out of it." "That's why I put him in the drunk tank." "Will you look at these people?" "I'll take care of it." "Did I commit the patricide?" "I'd do better staying in the back." "So you are going to release him or what?" "We won't discuss that here!" "Why not?" "Do you know what he did?" "He whacked me." "See?" "How do I look like now?" "My eye is the color of carbon paper!" "It doesn't look that bad." "Drop it!" "So will you release him or what?" "Yeah, tomorrow!" "Then I'll have to wait for you." "I'm not spending my wedding night alone!" "You're not my type." "Well, there are other guys!" "Do you like me?" "Hallo!" "Do you like me?" "You're not bad." "You have the same eyes like my girlfriend." "The same splash of blue." "Like a chip of lapis lazuli." "A dimple in the chin and haircut like that friseur from Kostomlaty does." "Yes, I like you." "So come on!" "Come on!" "Here!" "The victim is of slender body, circa 160 centimetres high, roughly 20 years of age." "She's wearing a green corduroy coat, a black blouse, a black checkered skirt." "Seamless nylons." "Why are you so worried about these trees?" "Hold on tight!" "I say, why are you so hung up" "on these little trees?" "They'd get toppled!" "So what?" "Why do you care so much?" "Would you have one more piece?" "I sure would!" "Under one condition!" "That you'll make me a death mask too!" "TODAY:" "SOLD OUT!" "Gimme a drag!" "Your hands are shaking." "I've got rough job." "Doing what?" "I'm a plumber." "Pipes, drains..." "Oh, so you're somebody!" "Hey, how much is that sweater?" "This one?" "No, that one." "Thirty five." "Buy it for me!" "Then we will go somewere and I'll show you..." "Show me what?" "You'll see." "Buy it and you'll see!" "They're closed, though." "So what." "Just give me the bread and I'll buy it myself tomorrow." "What bread?" "The bread." "I see." "Thats good." "Whats good?" "It's all good" "I see." "Have a bite!" "He will have a fit." "I'll put it by his garage." "Holy crap, where did you..." "Where did we what?" "Look at this." "What are you hinting at here?" "We bought all this second hand, including that mirror." "My grandpa was a gypsy baron!" "You have cold?" "All the gypsies have colds." "I saw Carmen at the theatre once." "And she was singing like she had a cold too." "All right, Czech, gimme that 40 crowns." "Us gypsies are clean..." "You'll give me 40, will you?" "35 and that's it!" "All right, thirty five, but up front?" "Not till you show me, like you said." "You're all the same." "First you promise a girl something and then you kick her out." "That's not me." "Believe me!" "I'm not like that." "I wouldn't ever..." "Let me see that bread at least." "So what?" "Should we go out or here?" "Let's go to my place." "Mom's not home." "We can make coffee and listen to some jazz." "Hey, dickey, gimme a smoke!" "The cigarettes are on the chair." "Don't set my bed on fire." "He sings just like I talk." "Cause he's black like you." "Come here, dickey, come on!" "Dickey!" "Come on!" "Come here, dickey." "Come here!" "Listen, let me sleep here tonight!" "See, when we gypsies sleep with somebody, we always fall in love." "I have to get up early for work." "So you think I'd rob you?" "Don't start a fire in my bed!" "What the hell do you take me for?" "!" "I own two down blankets and two sets of curtains!" "My grandpa was a gypsy baron!" "All right..." "Why didn't you let me undo your things?" "Why?" "Why?" "Just so you wouldn't..." "What?" "You know!" "You think I'd steal that 50 crowns back from you?" "Well, gotta be careful..." "Are you saying I'm a thief?" "Don't be mad, dickey." "I'll give you 50 crowns just to take them away again?" "Dickey..." "Am I thief or what?" "Don't be angry." "Now you pissed me off!" "Come on!" "Listen..." "How about we start a new life together?" "I've never tried that before." "Nothing to it!" "I'll teach you!" "I'll do your laundry, clean for you, sing for you!" "I'll undo everyting for you!" "The thing is I gotta go to work early tomorrow." "If we went dancing and somebody else came for me, what would you do?" "Tell me, what!" "What would I do?" "You'd let me dance with another guy?" "Wipe your feet before you climb back to bed." "See, you're a family man." "Tell me you wouldn't let me!" "You'd slap me, right?" "I'd slap you so hard your head would do a three sixty!" "I knew you loved me!" "When we're living together," "I'll be so quiet you won't even notice I'm here." "But what if we have kids?" "They're nothing but problems." "What problems?" "I've already got a little girl." "See?" "You already have a girl?" "Her name is Margitka." "She's beautiful!" "She can go get you a beer," "Comb your hair..." "But where would she sleep?" "In the sofa bed." "Just like me." "Say, how wide are these windows?" "One meter twenty." "We're so damn lucky!" "That's just how wide my curtains are." "Me, too!" "That's ok." "But this place is a mess." "That's horrendous!" "Here is something for our home." "Do you want an apple?" "Sure." "How old are you?" "I'm 18." "I'll easily last you another 10 years." "And you?" "I'm twenty one." "Blackjack!" "That's the best age!" "You sure you'd slap me?" "You bet!" "Swear on it!" "I swear, absolutely!" "All right!" "So now you're my man, my master, my everything!" "But what's my mom going to say?" "I'll take care of that!" "I'll tell her:" ""Ma'am I am a person too!" "And I can do anything!" "I'll sweep the yard and the street."" "But what if your Mom tells you:" ""Only over my dead body!"" "Then I'll say:" ""Mom, lay down, so I can step over you!"" "If only I could be Fanfan la Tulipe for just one day!" "Let me tell you something!" "You're a plumber." "And who is more?" "If somebody's john is clogged who do they call?" "If somebody's bath is broken who do they call?" "You!" "They should make movie about you and me!" "You don't need to jump the roofs with a sabre?" "Yeah, but he's handsome." "You're better-looking, dickey." "When we come to our kiln, you'll see that every other gypsy is a Fanfan la Tulipe, but all they do is make bricks!" "And then they make houses out of them and the gypsies..." "You know, my boss always wants me to call him Tonda." "Like I was his buddy." "But he's like 20 years older and he's got like four kids!" "But when I call him sir, he screams at the whole pub:" ""Hey, people, you ever seen a bigger dummy than him?" "He always stays at the distance."" "He murmurs all the time: "Gaston..." "You're Gaston?" ""If you don't start calling me Tonda, I'll make this job hell for you!"" "He even dumped my lunch from his lunch pail!" "He was yelling:" ""No shared lunch pail!"" "What a dog!" "Your name is Gaston?" "Yeah." "So just call him Tonda then!" "I'm too shy." "Really." "Look, my folks!" "They came from afar." "Now they'll be looking for jobs here just like we did a year ago." "But why do they sleep in the dew like this?" "They'll get used to it, we also sleep outside." "When the weather is good, though." "You choke inside a house." "Look at that tattoo of a mermaid." "My Dad Demeter had tattoes like that." "On Sundays, when we used to lie idle and loll, we'd point out things on him like he was a picture book." "He'd giggle." "He was so ticklish!" "He was handsome." "So are you." "And everyone in the family." "I'll invite all my cousins, to our wedding." "They're from Nymburk." "You'll see eight Fanfan le Tulipes." "Eight?" "That's right." "And my grandpa will come, in his embroidered green boots." "And we'll hold hands and stand like this." "Can you feel it?" "You bet." "And he'll pour a red wine over us!" "Why?" "Because it's a wedding!" "And my grandpa was..." "A gypsy baron?" "Yeah, he carried this bamboo staff." "When he met some gypsies quarrelling in the street, spitting at each other, all he has to do was to point like that." "And everybody shut up." "The fight was over." "And when somebody dared to disobey he pointed at him, and he had to come up to him, and he bashed him with the staff, and that was it." "He also used to ref football games." "They played 20 on 20..." "What?" "!" "What?" "But in football game they play 11 on 11." "No way!" "It's 20 on 20!" "I was there." "In Nasavrky!" "Nasavrky?" "Yeah, in Nasavrky." "In Nasavrky!" "Well, it doesn't matter." "And if somebody was kicking people, grandpa just whacked him and he'd quit and game could go on." "Gaston!" "Boy, this is how we should be on the job!" "Are you angry at me?" "Sir, you're drunk!" "Mind your own business!" "That's my boss!" "Is he really?" "And this is my fiancée." "Glad to meet you." "You can put your lunch in my pail again!" "Call me Tonda, or sir, or whatever you want!" "I only dreamed of gypsy girls." "Have you ever met a sod like that?" "Bye." "Bye." "Boss souldn't I take you home?" "No, you go on with her!" "Halt!" "Who's there?" "But uncle, it's me." "Oh, there's so many criminals here..." "Why do you keep staring at him?" "I'm not about to ask thrice." "Who is that?" "I'll shoot them to pieces." "So what about this one?" "That's my honey." "Your honey, huh." "Do you know her name?" "No." "But you slept with her already." "Nothing has changed since I was young." "They're just playing around, see!" "Gaston, see you tonight by that picture of Fanfan la Tulipe!" "I wanted to tell you someting!" "Something real important." "I'd better be going." "Too many criminals around here." "But watch out!" "This one here may become the president one day." "Who knows anything?" "Subtitles by Prasopes"