"Previously on The Last Man on Earth..." " Last man on Earth." " Last woman on Earth." "I'm not gonna have sex with you unless we're married." " I do?" " Oh... (Carol and Phil scream)" "Oh, my God." "I saw these billboards that said "alive in Tucson."" " Hey." " (squealing)" "Look, seven people left, and two of them are named "Phil Miller"?" "MELISSA:" "You were gonna leave Todd in the desert." "(yelling)" "You're done here, Tandy." "Tucson's my home." "PHIL 2:" "Don't even think about coming back to Tucson." " So, where should we go?" " You're staying with me?" "You had a brother?" "I didn't know that." "(wind whistling)" "(low rumbling)" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "Phil, I got the tequila!" "All right." "Can I drive?" "Carol, it's very complicated." "(sniffs)" "We should go back and get that bomb." " Carol..." " Phil..." "I knew you were gonna say that." "I don't know how to put a bomb back in that little thingy." "We're Americans." "We put a man on the Moon." "(sighs)" "Fine, if you want to go back and get the bomb, we'll go back and get the bomb." "That won't be necessary, Phil." "It's fine." "Just the fact that you offered is good enough for me." "You know what?" "How about tomorrow I go back to that parking lot and I drop a little caution cone in front of it?" "(giggles) Thank you, Phil." "And that's why you're the bomb." "Come here, give me some sugar." "PHIL:" "Oh!" "Insurance company is gonna hear about that one." "(Carol laughs)" "("Till the End of the Day" by the Kinks plays)" "♪ Baby, I feel good ♪" "♪ From the moment I rise ♪" "♪ Feel good from morning ♪" " ♪ Till the end of the day ♪ - (Phil whooping, Carol laughing)" "♪ Till the end of the day ♪" "♪ You and me ♪" "Oh." "♪ We live this life ♪" "♪ From when we wake up ♪" " PHIL:" "USA!" "USA!" " ♪ Til we go sleep at night... ♪" "USA!" "USA!" "CAROL (manly voice):" "So lonely." "Wish I had somebody to make out with." "PHIL (deep voice):" "I may be able to help you with that." "Ben Franklin?" "You just made me discover electricity in my shorts." "Get in here." "(passionate moaning, kissing sounds)" "PHIL (deep voice):" "Stick your copper tongue down my mouth!" "And, in short, my position on Syria is, uh... don't know." "But one thing I am sure of:" "The situation is very Syri-ous." "Boom, I still got it." "Next question." "Yes." "Brice." "My position on Tucson and its inhabitants remains the same." "Tucson can suck it, and you can go ahead and suck it for asking." "Next question." "Diego." "Yes, I did fart." "♪ I wish I were a princess... ♪" "Dolly Madison." "(gasps) You little vixen." "Rawr." "♪ And if I were a princess... ♪" "Jackie O-no-you-didn't!" "Yes, I did." "Oh, hi." "Michelle Obama." "♪ I wish I were a princess... ♪" "Talk about winning the arms race." "(giggles)" "Phil, I just said something really funny!" "Put that bill into committee, Phil." "Put it in there." "Are you filibustering?" "Yeah, I'm filibustering." "Phil-ibustering?" "Get it, Phil?" "'Cause your name is Phil." "No, yeah, I get it, Carol." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Good." "We cannot let that vote pass." " Not on our watch." " There's too much pork in that bill." " Way too much pork." " Block that vote." " I'm blocking it!" " Block it!" "Carol, I'm sorry, but I think I'm about to put it to a vote!" "Okay, I'm about to put it to a vote, too." "Let's vote on it together, huh?" "All in favor, say..." "Aye...!" "PHIL:" "So what do you think of this place?" "It's not too shabb-ay, right?" " Yeah." " It's very nice." "Good." "I'm glad you feel that way." "'Cause I was thinking that tomorrow, maybe we could unpack all our bags and make this our permanent home." "Oh..." "I don't know if I want to commit to living in the White House, Phil." "What more could you want out of a home?" "I mean, it's the flippin' White House." "I know." "It's just... it doesn't feel right." "The White House doesn't feel right." "(sighs)" " What?" " It's just... you know, we've been to Graceland and Dollywood," "Oprah's, LeBron's, and none of them have "felt right."" "And that's fine." "But I'm just getting kind of sick of all the driving around." "I know, Phil." "It's just... this isn't home." "Not home." "Okay, okay, okay." "The search continues." "Good night." "Good night." "(giggles)" "28.6 north." "15.26... west." "Another goose egg." "Thanks a lot, Canary Islands." "You couldn't give me, like, one living person?" "There's got to be someone out there." "Right, Terry?" "No comment?" "Okay." "Nancy, what about you?" "Wow, you guys." "Guys are real quiet today." "Okay, I'm gonna go masturbate." "Do me a favor... turn your guys' heads, please." "Thank you." "Plug your ears, too." "CAROL:" "Bye, Stealth Bomber." "Bye, White House!" "How long do I have to wear this blindfold?" " Well, until we get there." " Where are we going?" "I can't tell you. 'Cause it's a..." "Surprise!" " Welcome to Delaware." " Oh!" "My old apartment?" "Phil, you didn't." "Well, gee, let me give you the grand tour." "So this is my knitting group." "We were known as KWA:" "Knitters With Attitude. (gasps)" "And these are my roommates, Bernice Wu and Glen Sawchuck." "We called ourselves Sawchuck's Angels." "Our mission?" "Friendship." "Oh, and here's my parents, Carol and Marsha." " Oh, your dad was named Carol, too?" " No, Marsha." "Moving on." "And this is Glen's room." "He was trying not to get the virus." "He got it." "And this is Bernice's room." "And that's her skeleton." "God, Carol." "Oh, no, she studied anatomy." " Oh." "Okay." " Yeah." "And this is my room." "Each object in here is hand-crafted by myself as a cherished tribute to a friend or family member who died from the virus." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, it's, uh, it's really, uh... something." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I know it looks like I went a little cuckoo bananas." "No, it doesn't." "This looks..." "absolutely chock-full of sanity." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Thank you for the surprise, Phil." "So nice to visit your hometown." "Well, you know, it doesn't have to just be a visit." " No." " No, no, not Delaware." "(sighs) Here we go again." " And what's wrong with Delaware?" " Well, there's no one here." " Carol, there's no one anywhere anymore." " That's not exactly true." "Okay, what... what's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing, it's just nothing." "Tucson?" "Are you talking about Tucson?" "Just saying that's where there are other people, Phil." "Carol, the only place I can't go is Tucson." "I mean, do you not remember me getting, like, tackled, driven out into the desert and left there for dead?" " Yes, I do, I..." " No, no, no." "And the implication was very strong that if I ever came back there, Phil would kill me." "But it's been, like, six months." "I mean, maybe they've cooled off by now." " We just don't know." " No, I don't care." "Screw 'em." "We're the last people on Earth, Phil." "Shouldn't we all be together?" "You made your choice." "If you want to be with me, be with me, but I am not going back to Tucson." "Ever." "I'm gonna sleep in Bernice's room." " Fine." " Fine." " Fine." " Fine." " Fine!" " Fine!" "(sighs)" "Carol." "What?" "Your stupid sleep apnea machine." "I'll use Bernice's." "No, look, it's not that easy." "I-I don't know how to fly that thing, okay?" "I-I'm..." "I'm a scientist, not a pilot, all right?" "Uh, if it's so easy, why don't you guys do it?" "And if we did make it down there," "I'd probably die of the virus, and who'd take care of you guys?" "Look, I don't mean to be insulting here, but you're worms, okay?" "You're not thinking this through." "I just..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I shouldn't be dismissive of you guys like that just 'cause you're worms, okay?" "Terry, I'm sorry." "Sorry, Nancy." "Nance?" "(sighs)" "I'm gonna go take a nap." "(clattering) CAROL:" "Phil!" "Sorry, little traffic." "CAROL:" "Hardy har har." "PHIL:" "Bunch of friggin' BS." "White House isn't good enough." "Her own house isn't good enough." "What the heck is her problem?" "I'm not being a turd, she's being a turd." "Why's she being so picky?" "She's such a picky little turd." "You can quote me on that." "Don't you dare say a thing, you little friggin' blabbermouth." "Hmm." "Nice." "Could use a little razzmatazz, though." "Bam." "Ooh, Carol." "Where did you get such an expensive T-shirt?" "In the jewel markets of Monaco?" "(chuckles)" ""Hold for 30 seconds."" "Fair enough." "One banana, two banana, three ba..." "Phil!" "I'm setting my gems!" "Just give me 27 more bananas!" "Four banana, five banana, six banana, seven ba... (scoffs) Hold your horses, Phil!" "What part of "I'm setting my gems" do you not understand?" "!" " Nine banana, ten banana, 11..." " (engine starts)" "Oh, shoot." "(counts rapidly)" "Stop, Phil!" "Phil!" "Phil!" "No!" "Phil!" "(gun fires four times)" " ♪ All I want to do is ♪ - (gun fires four times)" " ♪ And ♪ - (cash register dings)" "♪ And take your money ♪" "♪ All I want to do is... ♪" "(gun fires four times)" "Phil!" "Well, this is a grade-A fustercluck." "♪ Oh, I can't wait to be on the road again ♪" "♪ The life I love is being on the road again ♪" "♪ Oh, I can't wait to be on the road again ♪" "♪ World's largest plate's coming up ♪" "♪ I bet that Carol would love to see that stupid plate ♪" "♪ But I'm really mad at her today ♪" "♪ 'Cause she's being a turd ♪" "♪ So I'm not gonna tell her about that friggin' plate. ♪" "♪ Feeling guilty now ♪" "Carol, world's largest plate's coming up!" "How's your appetite, huh?" "You hungry for some plate?" "Carol?" "Supposedly pretty big." "PHIL:" "Friggin' huge plate up there." "You die for this crap." "Carol?" "Carol!" "Where are you?" "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God." "Oh, where'd we last stop?" "I mean, was it a gas station?" "It was a gas station in Oklahoma." "Yeah, yeah." "What was it again?" "Oh, Speedy Pump, a Speedy Pump." "There was, like, a red truck parked out front." "So it's Speedy Bump with a red truck." "Speedy Pump with a red truck." "You got this, Phil." "Just keep driving down this road until you see that Speedy Pump." "You'll know the one." "I mean, how many Speedy Pumps can there be?" "♪ ♪" "Damn it, there's infinity Speedy Pumps!" "Gary, now's not the time to ask if I'm certain it was a Speedy Pump." "(Phil sighs)" "Carol!" "(sobbing):" "Carol!" "Carol!" "Beefed it." "Beefed it bigger than I've ever beefed it." "I friggin' lost her." "I lost her forever." "(chuckles sadly)" "Looks like it's just you and me, bud." "Looks like it's just you and me, bud." "Oh, my God." "Is this it?" "Is this it?" "Oh, my G... (laughs)" "This is it!" "This is it!" "Ha!" "Oh, thank God." "Speedy Pump." "There's the stupid friggin' red truck, and the fruit stand." "This is it." "This is the one." "Carol!" "Where you at?" "Carol?" "Carol!" "Carol?" "Carol!" "Carol, where are you?" "♪ ♪" "Carol!" "Come on!" "Speedy Pump!" "Red truck!" "Fruit stand!" "Carol!" "(three gunshots)" "Carol...!" "PHIL:" "It's been five days." "Where the hell is she?" "Where else could she go?" "She's got no place else to go." "(sighs)" "♪ ♪" "(sighs)" "She's in Tucson." "(sighs)" "♪ ♪" "(sighs)" "Okay, the moment of truth." "I'm just gonna walk in there and lay down the law." "The mayor of Tucson is back to claim his throne." "You step to me?" "I step to you." "'Cause I ain't afraid of nothing or nobody." "(whispering):" "You can do this." "You can do this!" "(shouts):" "Hello?" "Anybody here?" "Carol?" "What the hell?" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "Where is everybody?" "Where are you, Carol?"