"BECCA:" "VernonandIjust  want to thank you all for coming." "Ever since I was a small girl," "I've dreamt of this day." "VERNON:" "Me,too." "(laughter)" "BECCA:" "Sure,in my fantasy, it took place at Fraggle Rock." "(laughter)" "I was marrying Johnny Depp." "VERNON:" "Me,too." "(laughter)" "(Becca clears her throat)" "BECCA:" "Butin all seriousness, it is so amazing to be surrounded by so many people who care about us." "We really feel... so much love from you guys." "And as the Beatles said, "All you need is love."" "And a Vera Wang dress." "(Becca chuckles)" "(laughter)" "Vernon and I are looking forward to seeing you at our 50th wedding anniversary." "(Becca laughs)" "(crying):" "Promised myself I wasn't gonna do this." "Uh, Jimmy, are you having a-a good time?" "JIMMY:" "Absolutely." "Just so glad you invited me." "BECCA:" "Really?" "JIMMY:" "Ofcourse." "Sometimes, well, you just want to witness the beginning of a disaster, so later, when the house is engulfed in flames, you can say, "Yup, I was there when they installed the faulty" "wiring."" "BECCA:" "Unbelievable." "JIMMY:" "Justadmitit." "You only invited me here so you could passive-aggressively rub my nose in your happiness." "At least I would have had the decency to rub your nose in it directly." "BECCA:" "Oh,yes,your commitment to honesty is so refreshing." "It must be so hard being the only one who sees people for what they actually are." "JIMMY:" "Itis ." "It's incredibly hard." "BECCA:" "Well,it 'salso gonna be what keeps you alone, because you are ugly and unpleasant and honestly, Jimmy, you're not the original you think you are." "JIMMY:" "I 'mnotoriginal?" "Wow!" "That is hilarious, coming from such a..." "No, you're right." "This day isn't about me, is it?" "BECCA:" "Whatwereyou gonna say?" "JIMMY:" "Forgetit ." "BECCA:" "No,I'mserious." "I really want to know what does" "(in British accent): the brilliant Jimmy Shive-Overly think about me?" "(Jimmy grunts)" "VERNON:" "Youtalktoher again, and me and my boys will mess you up." "JIMMY:" "Whotalkslikethat ?" "VERNON:" "I 'mserious,Jimmy." "JIMMY:" "Fine,notaproblem." "Enjoy your sham of a marriage!" "VERNON:" "I will!" "GRETCHEN:" "Yougotanotherone of those?" "JIMMY:" "Prettyexpensive." "GRETCHEN:" "Goodjobinthere." "JIMMY:" "Gettingmarried doesn't remove you from the burden of having to act like a human being." "GRETCHEN:" "Totally." "Those two are doomed." "JIMMY:" "Right?" "Has any couple ever had a more dishonest start to a marriage?" "I mean, the balls to have a traditional Catholic ceremony." "GRETCHEN:" "Whenshe'salready had two abortions." "JIMMY:" "Andcanonlyorgasm through anal." "(people gasp and mutter)" "JIMMY:" "Mr.andMrs." "Cottumaccio." "MAN:" "Let'sgo inside." "JIMMY:" "OldCottumaccios." "(man mutters)" "You're pretty." "GRETCHEN:" "Thanks?" "JIMMY:" "Howdo youknowher?" "GRETCHEN:" "I 'mfriendswith the sister." "JIMMY:" "FriendswithFat" "Lindsay?" "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah,me andFat" "Lindsay are hella close." "JIMMY:" "So,uh ,whatyou heard about me?" "GRETCHEN:" "Nothing,justthat you're the worst." "JIMMY:" "Saysthegirlwhojust stole a blender from a wedding." "GRETCHEN:" "No." "Really?" "Oh, man!" "I thought it was a food processor." "JIMMY:" "Who'stheworstnow?" "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah,well..." "GRETCHEN:" "I don'tknowwhat" "I'm doing here." "I'm not even attracted to you." "JIMMY:" "Whatdoesthathave to do with anything?" "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah." "¶Don'tlookahead" "There's stormy weather... ¶" "JIMMY:" "What?" "It 'sL.A." "Who doesn't drive?" "GRETCHEN:" "DUI." "I occasionally see this movie director guy." "JIMMY:" "Gross." "GRETCHEN:" "Onetime,he booty-texted me from some awards show." "I was already at the bar, so I drove over to his house, and then he texted me he was going to be late, so I idly drove around his neighborhood... (chuckles): until I kind of" "sideswiped an off-duty cop." "(Jimmy laughs)" "JIMMY:" "Doyouknow,I'mglad this is a one-night thing, so we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves." "GRETCHEN( chuckles):" "Totally." "High five." "I'll get that." "Okay, I like that." "JIMMY:" "Allgirlsdo." "GRETCHEN:" "Don'tcallme" all girls."" "Damn it." "That's good, too." "¶Don'tlookahead" "There's stormy weather... ¶" "JIMMY:" "Youknow,right before Becca broke up with me, I started reading her e-mail." "GRETCHEN:" "Oh,I'vedonethat ." "JIMMY:" "SoeventhoughIhad  warning, when she broke up with me, it kind of... just kind of knocked me out." "Even though she's clearly a ridiculous human being, you know?" "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah." "Break-ups hurt." "I've heard." "I don't really do relationships." "JIMMY:" "Me,neither." "Anymore." "GRETCHEN:" "So,what,are you  one of those creepy foot guys?" "JIMMY:" "No." "I have nervous hands, and they have to stay busy." "(moaning)" "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah,that'sgood." "Oh, don't stop, you son of a bitch." "Oh, yeah... (Jimmy spits)" "You just spit on it?" "JIMMY:" "Yeah." "GRETCHEN:" "Youjustspitonmy  vagina." "JIMMY:" "So?" "GRETCHEN:" "Don't!" "JIMMY:" "Why?" "GRETCHEN:" "Whydon'tspiton my vagina?" "JIMMY:" "It'ssaliva." "It's gonna get there anyway." "GRETCHEN:" "Hmm." "And that's how I got crabs from my guidance counselor." "(Gretchen chuckles)" "JIMMY( softly):" "Hey." "GRETCHEN:" "Hey." "JIMMY:" "Right." "Uh, I should get some sleep, so..." "GRETCHEN:" "Right." "Goodnight." "JIMMY:" "Wait." "What?" "GRETCHEN:" "Oh,relax." "I'm just lazy." "I'll sneak out in the morning." "JIMMY:" "No,thereare no sleepovers." "GRETCHEN:" "Oh,toobad ." "JIMMY:" "I havesleepapnea." "I have to wear a CPAP machine." "GRETCHEN:" "Don'tcare." "I'm a log." "(CPAP machine beeps, whirrs)" "(Gretchen laughs)" "You look like Top Gun." "JIMMY:" "Shutup ." "GRETCHEN:" "I 'msogladI'm not  gonna remember any of this in the morning." "(machine whirrs rhythmically)" ""Never leave your wingman."" "(both laugh)" "JIMMY:" "Sostupid." "(Jimmy sighs)" "EDGAR:" "Morning." "So, I've been thinking about ghosts." "JIMMY:" "Oh,thethingsthat  don't exist because there is no soul?" "EDGAR:" "Mm..." "JIMMY:" "Whatagreatuseof your time." "EDGAR:" "Youknowmy great-grandfather Baldemar on my father's side, right?" "JIMMY:" "What?" "No ." "HowcouldI possibly know your great...?" "EDGAR:" "Oh,he wasthiscrazy adventurer guy who owned a ranch in Zihuatanejo, and he sold arms and was a matador." "JIMMY:" "Whatwashis name?" "Voldemort?" "Never mind." "EDGAR:" "Thecoolestguy ." "Because I was thinking, he sounds like he had it all worked out, and maybe if I could learn his secrets, then I could fix my problems." "JIMMY:" "Howwouldmeetingyour  dead relative help you move out of my house?" "EDGAR:" "No,I'mtalkingabout my real problems." "Like, the nightmares and the crying, and how I want to do heroin all the time." "So, anyway, what do you think?" "JIMMY:" "Whatdo Ithinkabout what?" "EDGAR:" "IfIshouldhold a séance to contact great-grandfather Baldemar." "JIMMY:" "No." "EDGAR:" "I thinkI'mgonnado it." "Thanks." "GRETCHEN:" "Whydidyou let me sleep so late?" "I'm famished." "Nice place." "EDGAR:" "Hi." "I'm Edgar." "GRETCHEN:" "Mmm." "Gretchen." "This is dynamite." "EDGAR:" "Oh,thanks." "GRETCHEN:" "So,howdoyouguys know each other?" "EDGAR:" "Uh,we metincollege." "JIMMY:" "No,we didn't." "EDGAR:" "Well,he wasin college, and I sold weed to college kids." "Then he started giving me books to read, 'cause he saw untapped potential in me." "JIMMY:" "I gaveyoubooksthat" "I stole from Borders because I didn't have money for weed." "EDGAR:" "Semantics." "Have you read his book yet?" "GRETCHEN:" "No." "EDGAR:" "Saleswereflatter than expected, plus he blew all his money on this house." "That's why he has to do more magazine work, but you should read it." "It's real good." "GRETCHEN:" "Okay." "JIMMY:" "Atleastbuy yourown copy." "GRETCHEN( laughs):" "Right." "So, which one of you is giving me a ride to work?" "EDGAR:" "I can'tdrivebecause" "I have PTSD and mild to medium battlefield-induced psychosis." "GRETCHEN:" "Bummer." "Jimmy, you're up." "JIMMY:" "Mycar'satthe reception." "We took a cab." "GRETCHEN:" "Wedid?" "Damn." "LINDSAY:" "I can'tbelieveit." "GRETCHEN:" "Drivefaster." "I'm late." "LINDSAY:" "Yousleptwith" "Jimmy." "GRETCHEN:" "Apparently." "LINDSAY:" "Whousedtodate my sister." "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah,Iknow." "LINDSAY:" "Andon thenightof her wedding?" "GRETCHEN:" "Whyareyou  crawling up my ass about this," "Lindsay?" "LINDSAY:" "Youknowwhatajerk he is." "I told you all the time how he swallowed her up." "She disappeared her life into his and was never the same." "GRETCHEN:" "Oh,that's'cause" "Becca doesn't have a personality to begin with." "LINDSAY:" "Well,that'strue." "Ugh!" "Oh, Jimmy's the worst." "Did he say anything about me?" "GRETCHEN:" "Nope." "LINDSAY:" "You'renotgonnasee him again, are you?" "GRETCHEN:" "Noway." "We did have fun, though." "(Lindsay groans)" "Oh, God, I hope he doesn't think it was, like, an actual thing." "LINDSAY:" "Nokidding." "Um, get..." "Can you be careful where you're putting your makeup, and can you take your feet off the dashboard?" "This is a lease." "GRETCHEN:" "Okay." "(phone buzzing)" "Stop the car." "LINDSAY:" "What?" "GRETCHEN:" "Stopthecar !" "I'd rather walk than drive in this sterile, suburban, piece of shit car with my best friend being shitty and judgmental to me 'cause I had sex with a guy at a wedding." "How many guys did you blow at our five-year reunion?" "LINDSAY:" "Four." "GRETCHEN:" "Four?" "You told me three." "LINDSAY:" "I mighthaveleft out Tor Borgfeldt." "GRETCHEN:" "Ew!" "I'm seriously nauseated right now." "LINDSAY:" "Oh,God." "We used to have so much fun." "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah,we did." "Why'd you have to get married?" "LINDSAY:" "I know." "I'm sorry." "Do you like my new haircut?" "GRETCHEN:" "No,youlooklike" "Ellen Barkin." "If you get your real estate license, I will stab you in the tits." "JIMMY:" "Brilliant." "Absolutely brilliant." "KILLIAN:" "Hi." "JIMMY:" "What?" "KILLIAN:" "I justmovedin... over there." "JIMMY:" "Ofcourseyou did ." "KILLIAN:" "Whydo yousay that?" "JIMMY:" "Becausethedeathof any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators." "KILLIAN:" "Oh,that'scool." "My nutritionist is gay, too." "JIMMY:" "I 'mnotgay." "I'm English." "(Jimmy sighs)" "KILLIAN:" "What'sthat?" "JIMMY:" "A royaltycheckfor my book for... $17.43." "Do you know, if there was any doubt that the book industry was dead, it is here in my hand." "R.I.P., literature." "2000 BC to this moment." "KILLIAN:" "Youwanttohang out sometime?" "JIMMY:" "What?" "What are you even talking about?" "I'm an adult." "Do you know what that means?" "It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light." "So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me" ""do I want to hang out sometime"" "is?" "KILLIAN:" "Mydaddesigns video games." "We get all the new ones early." "JIMMY:" "Comeoveraround8:00 ." "¶Asrumorhas itstill" "I followed the rules" "Of Frank Abagnale" "¶ So catch me if you can" "There ain't people... ¶" "GRETCHEN:" "Whatthecrap?" "!" "SAM:" "YouknowIgetnervous at these shits." "GRETCHEN:" "Youarepayinga guy to take your photograph, and you trash his studio?" "SAM:" "Youweren'there!" "Unprofessional as shit!" "A publicist who can't show up at publicity events?" "Don't even know what I'm paying you for, Gretchen!" "GRETCHEN:" "Thelabelpaysme." "SAM:" "Youknowitallgets charged against my end, bitch!" "Label is villains." "From now on, I'm just gonna drop free mix tapes and Vines of my guinea pigs!" "GRETCHEN:" "Youneedto apologize to Nestor so he doesn't sue you." "SAM:" "Lethim." "I'll lawyer the hell up!" "GRETCHEN:" "Nestoris agreat photographer." "We need him." "SAM:" "Anyone'sagood photographer now." "Shitstain take amazing" "Instagrams." "SHITSTAIN:" "Nofilter." "HONEYNUTZ:" "Yeah!" "@Shitstain!" "SAM:" "Anyway,bitch,thisis your fault." "You need to apologize to him for being such a no-showing-up bitch!" "¶Getdown,get down" "Get down, get down" "Get down, get down" "Get down, get... ¶" "SAM:" "We'resorrywebroke your shit." "GRETCHEN:" "Okay,good." "Nestor, we'll talk about restitution?" "Hey." "You okay?" "SAM:" "Yeah." "Hell were you doing anyway?" "GRETCHEN:" "Nothingworth talking about." "SAM:" "Youstillneedtomake it up to us." "I'll fire your ass, and it won't mean shit to me." "GRETCHEN:" "Yes,it will." "SAM:" "I 'mserious." "You owe me, Gretch." "GRETCHEN:" "Okay,Sam." "What do you need?" "SAM:" "Youneedtokiss my quarter-Chickasaw ass!" "Then you need to get me some cocaine." "I'm too famous to get it myself." "I'm not playing." "You on probation now." "Yo!" "Ooh!" "Wait now." "Hold on!" "High five." "Put her there." "She's hot." "(door unlocks)" "EDGAR:" "I gotyourcar towed back here." "And look who I found getting out of a cab." "GRETCHEN:" "Don'tworry." "I forgot my purse." "Not on purpose or anything." "EDGAR:" "I 'mgonnaleaveyou  two alone." "GRETCHEN:" "He'ssweet." "It's nice that you let him live here." "JIMMY:" "Youknowyourpurse had food in it." "It was covered in ants." "Who keeps food in their purse?" "GRETCHEN:" "Whoa." "What's your problem?" "JIMMY:" "Well,I'vehad a really shitty day." "And then I come home to find that my bedroom is a goddamn" "'50s sci-fi movie." "And why would you stay over, huh?" "That's amateur hour." "GRETCHEN:" "HereIwas worried you were gonna get the wrong idea about last night." "So thank you for saving me the speech." "JIMMY:" "Youweregonnamake a speech?" "GRETCHEN:" "Okay,forgetit." "JIMMY:" "Yeah,no kidding." "Save your breath." "GRETCHEN:" "I don'tknowwhat planet that you're from, but on my planet, someone like you does not just get... this!" "Congratulations, you bagged a weakened gazelle." "That's right." "I'm still stupid-hooked on someone else who is eons further than you in the evolutionary scale in all categories except maybe unearned ego and back fat." "What?" "You so value honesty, you had to chew a bride out on her wedding day in the name of it?" "Well, why don't you face this giant hunk of truth, Jimmy?" "There is a fat asterisk next to my name on your skank-ridden little bone list and it reads," ""She probably would've gone home with anyone that night!"" "So thank you!" "Thank you for my wake-up call," "Jimmy Stupid-Three-Names." "You are officially my bottom." "Hey, you." "TY:" "Kiddo." "What a surprise." "GRETCHEN:" "I wasjustinthe neighborhood." "TY:" "Uh,Ihaveanearly call time." "But..." "Yeah, come in." "Last time you said you were coming over, you never showed." "I thought you'd grown sick of me." "GRETCHEN:" "Nah,you'reall  right." "TY:" "You'reso beautiful," "Gretchen." "(hip-hop music playing)" "EDGAR:" "Hi." "KILLIAN:" "Hi." "EDGAR:" "Youbusy,Jimmy?" "JIMMY:" "Yep." "EDGAR:" "Well,couldyou ,like, pause it for a second?" "JIMMY:" "No." "What's wrong with you?" "Give me the controller." "EDGAR:" "No." "I've watched you for two years now get girls to come home with you, and they're always gone in in the morning." "JIMMY:" "Sorry,Ican helpit if she refused to leave?" "Give me my controller." "EDGAR:" "No." "JIMMY:" "Fine." "(video game character screams)" "EDGAR:" "I 'msorryIhavetodo  this." "Now, I don't mind you being jerky with me because I know you care." "JIMMY:" "Whatthe..." "No, I don't." "EDGAR:" "Yes,youdo." "JIMMY:" "You'rejustananimal living in my house." "EDGAR:" "ButGretchenstayed, okay?" "You say she forced you, but we both know there's not a person on this planet that's ever had a good outcome trying to force you to do anything." "She stayed, man." "And that means something, whether you want to admit it or not." "I'm gonna let you go now." "JIMMY:" "WhywouldIeven  listen to you, eh?" "You're a mental case." "You're on, like, a billion medications that all say "Take for batshit craziness."" "EDGAR:" "I wasdefendingour  country." "JIMMY:" "Oh,please." "You weren't defending anything except for the business interests of evil men." "EDGAR:" "Jimmy,ourcountryis the business interests of evil men." "JIMMY:" "Thatmaybethemost intelligent thing you've ever said." "EDGAR:" "Thanks." "JIMMY:" "You'restillagoddamn lunatic." "EDGAR:" "Hey,wait." "Come on, man." "W-Wait." "Where are you doing?" "JIMMY:" "Toabar ,whereIcan  drink in peace." "Come on, Killian." "All right, call the police." "EDGAR:" "Onme ?" "JIMMY:" "Someone'sstolenmy car." "EDGAR:" "No,Gretchentookit, remember?" "JIMMY:" "Gretchentookmy..." "Sorry, Gretchen took my car?" "EDGAR:" "Yeah." "I saw her driving it away earlier." "I figured you loaned it to her." "Come to think of it, I did think that was kind of weird." "JIMMY:" "Shedoesn'thavea license!" "EDGAR:" "Huh." "She must've stolen your keys from the counter." "You got to admit, that's kind of a baller move." "(chuckles)" "KILLIAN:" "Youguysare fun ." "(grunting)" "GRETCHEN:" "Um,hey." "TY:" "Yes,Gretchen?" "GRETCHEN:" "Canwe justtakea little break?" "TY( chuckles):" "Sure." "(sighing)" "GRETCHEN:" "So...what'sthe  worst thing you've ever done?" "TY:" "Gretchen,youknowever  since India I don't dwell in negativity." "GRETCHEN:" "I setmy high school on fire to get out of a math test." "(chuckles)" "TY:" "What?" "Why are you telling me that?" "That's horrible." "GRETCHEN:" "Nevermind." "Kidding." "(moans)" "TY:" "Oh,you'reamarvel." "(pants)" "Ooh, that's terrific." "Yeah." "(Gretchen spits)" "Did you just spit on me?" "GRETCHEN:" "No." "Yes." "Sorry." "TY( chuckles):" "Oh,Gretch." "Mmm." "That's delicious." "GRETCHEN:" "Doyoustillhave  cocaine?" "(sighs)" "(snorts)" "(phone rings)" "(exhales)" "(sniffs)" "GRETCHEN:" "Hello?" "JIMMY:" "Whatareyou doing?" "GRETCHEN:" "Nothing." "Just... (sniffs) ...reading." "JIMMY:" "Hey,youwon 't believe this." "Someone stole my car." "GRETCHEN:" "Oh." "God, that's... awful." "JIMMY:" "Yeah,Ihavetofilea  police report in the morning." "GRETCHEN:" "I mayhaveborrowed it." "JIMMY:" "I know." "GRETCHEN:" "Oh." "Well, sorry." "I told you I'm the worst." "JIMMY:" "Actually,no ,yousaid that I was the worst and that I was lucky to get you." "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah." "Aboutthat..." "JIMMY:" "No,don'tapologize." "It was a great speech." "It was funny and true and mean." "My favorite kind." "GRETCHEN:" "I setmy schoolon fire to get out of a math test." "(Jimmy laughs)" "JIMMY:" "That'sgenius." "Oh, and..." "I..." "lied to you before." "I do have a foot thing." "GRETCHEN:" "Seriously?" "JIMMY:" "Yeah." "In fact, I was just trying to find the right clip online to, you know... s-so that I could fall asleep." "But... nothing's quite right." "GRETCHEN:" "Oh." "Do you want me to try?" "JIMMY:" "What?" "GRETCHEN:" "Shh." "Letmethink." "JIMMY:" "Comeon ,thisis stupid." "GRETCHEN:" "Shutup ." "I have been walking around all day in these new shoes, and they are just so... hot and tight." "JIMMY:" "Oh,yeah?" "GRETCHEN:" "Andmy socksare  so... sweaty." "JIMMY:" "Thathappens." "GRETCHEN:" "I thinkImight just have to take them off." "JIMMY:" "Youdo that." "Hey, you're, uh... very nice for doing this." "GRETCHEN:" "I amverynice." "Jimmy..." "I'm scared of this shit, you know?" "I don't like it." "JIMMY:" "I don'tbelieveinit anymore, so..." "GRETCHEN:" "Soif we bothknow that it can't work, then there's no harm." "Right?" "JIMMY:" "Right." "What kind of socks?" "GRETCHEN:" "Mmm...knee-high basketball socks." "Orange and green stripes." "JIMMY:" "You'reamazing." "You're 19 types of trouble but... amazing." "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah,so areyou ." "19 types." "Well, it's late." "Did you finish?" "JIMMY:" "I thinkthemoment's gone, isn't it?" "GRETCHEN:" "Allright." "Have a good night." "Call me." "JIMMY:" "I will." "Captioned by" "MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "¶Itmightbeimpractical" "To seek out a new romance" "¶ We won't know the actual" "If we never take the chance" "¶ I'd love to collapse with you" "And ease you against this song" "¶ I think we're compatible" "I see that you think I'm wrong" "¶ But any time will do" "My love... ¶" "(dog woofing)"