"It's The Muppet Show. with our special guest star, Miss Florence Henderson." "(# "The Muppet Show" theme)" "# It's time to play the music" "# It's time to light the lights" "# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight" "# It's time to put on makeup" "# It's time to dress up right" "# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight" "Prices are so high, yesterday I bought a pound of hamburger and had to have a cosigner." "# To introduce our guest star" "# That's what I'm here to do" "# So it really makes me happy" "# To introduce to you" "Miss Florence Henderson!" "# But now let's get things started on the most sensational, inspirational" "# Celebrational, Muppetational" "# This is what we call" "# The Muppet Show" "(applause)" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Now, welcome to the show, and what a fantastic program we have for you tonight." "Our guest star is the beautiful and talented Florence Henderson." "Boy, she is really great." "But to open the show, one of the most exciting acrobatic acts in the entire business, the Bouncing Borsolino Brothers." "They've been bouncing since they were baby boys." "In fact, the doctor wasn't even sure they were boys until they stopped bouncing." "So here they are, all the way from Boston, the Bouncing Borsolino Brothers!" "Yeah!" "(circus music)" "El pyramido." "The pyramid." " One." " (fanfare)" "Two." "(fanfare)" "Three." "(fanfare)" "Four." "(fanfare)" "Five." " (fanfare) - (grunting)" "Six." "That's me." " (grunting) - (drumroll)" "(fanfare)" " Why did you do that, Tiny?" " I didn't do nothing." "I told you not to get on the top." " Well, they really brought down the house." " Well, at least the stage." "...975 pounds." "I told you not to get on the top." " You're a big disappointment, you guys." " Hey, will you guys watch it?" "Hey, watch it." "George?" "Will you go out there and clean up after the pigs, please?" "I am sick and tired of cleaning up after them lousy pigs." "Well, George, you can always quit." "What?" "And get out of show business?" " George, will you move the body?" " All right, I'll move the body." "I moved the body." "(door chime)" " My brother has ghosts in his attic." " Sounds scary." "Yeah." "He's on the Ten Most Haunted list." "Ladies and gentlemen, we're happy now, truly, to present a star of stage, screen and television, the mother of six on The Brady Bunch." "And the mother of her own bunch of four at home, our guest for the evening, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson." "(# "Elusive Butterfly")" "# You might wake up some morning" "# To the sound of something moving past your window in the wind" "# And if you're quick enough to rise" "# You'll catch the fleeting glimpse of someone's fading shadow" "# Out on the new horizon" "# You may see the floating motion of a distant pair of wings" "# And if the sleep has left your ears" "# You might hear footsteps running through an open meadow" "# Don't be concerned" "# It will not harm you" "# It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of" "# Across my dream" "# With nets of wonder" "# I chase the bright, elusive butterfly of love" "# You might have heard my footsteps echo softly in the distance" "# Through the canyons of your mind" "# I might have even called your name" "# As I ran searching after something to believe in" "# Don't be concerned" "# It will not harm you" "# It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of" "# Across my dream" "# With nets of wonder" "# I chase the bright, elusive butterfly of love" "# I chase the bright, elusive butterfly" "# Of love" "I told you not to let fatso on the top." " Don't blame me." "I'm only a young pig." " Pigs." "Listen, pigs." "Will you guys get out of here, please?" "Come on, pigs." "Out!" "Out!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "Get out of here." " Out, out, out, out, out!" " Oh, Kermit." " You have such a masculine yell." " Oh, yeah." "Is there anything at all," " anything I can do for you, my dear?" " No." " Because I want to make you happy." " Good." " When you're happy, the pig is happy." " Wonderful." "Oh, my love!" "My life!" " (purrs)" " Argh!" "(loud kiss)" "(snorting)" "Forgive me for being so forward, but I'm a liberated pig." " Urgh." " Ta." "It must be my animal musk." "(# tea dance music)" "Two, three, four, two, three..." "You know, the trouble with kids today is they don't know what they want." "When I was a kid, I never wanted that." " They're just a couple of floor hogs." " Yeah." "I don't know, maybe it's the wine talking - in fact, I'm sure it is - but you're beautiful." "Now tell me the truth." "You really don't like dancing with a dog, do you?" " What makes you say that?" " It's that flea collar you're wearing." "I think we ought to move out of the ghetto and find ourselves a nice little dump in the suburbs." "Oh, honey, I love you like the plague." "Can we take this moment to announce our engagement?" " Yeah, why not?" " Oh!" "We're engaged!" "(laughs hysterically)" "I've waited so long!" "We're engaged!" "Florence," " your eyes are like two limpid pools." " Oh, that's very sweet, Kermit." "And when I look into your eyes, I'm spellbound." "And when I look into those eyes I see..." "I see..." "Yes?" "Come on, tell me what you see." "I see trouble." "Hm, hm, hm." "Well, well, well." "While the pig's away, the frog will play, hm?" " Hi, Piggy." " Don't "Hi, Piggy" me, you frog stealer." "Piggy, you have it all wrong there." "You see..." "In a pig's eye - I mean, in a person's eye!" " Yes, you do have it wrong, Piggy." " Oh?" "Yes." "Kermit was just practicing on me what he really wants to say to you." " What?" " Oh." " You mean it?" " No." "Oh, Kermit!" "Oh!" "My love!" "My love!" "My life!" "Oh, I am like putty in your hands." " Putty!" "Putty!" " # Cement mixer" " Nothing." " But..." "What happened?" "What happened?" " Piggy." "Piggy, come here a minute." " Yes?" "Listen." "Can I give you a little tip?" "Oh, no." "There's no need for that." "I'm well paid." "No." "I mean about men." "Oh, my dear, I'm sure you know about men." "But, honey, make one move toward that frog's bod..." "Mmm." "Piggy, Kermit and I are old friends, honest." " You mean there's nothing?" " No, we're just..." "It's just platonic, really." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, thank you so much!" "Thank you!" "Oh, I'm off to find my love." "Oh, oh, oh!" "She's crazy." " Has she gone?" " Yes." "She's off to find her love!" "I told you never to touch him!" " Hii-yah!" " Piggy!" "Stop it!" "(# waltz)" "When I was a puppy, I used to enjoy reading about Winnie the Pooh." "He's a bear, like Fozzie Bear, but..." "Well, not very much like Fozzie Bear." "This is a song he would sing when somebody would say something he didn't quite understand." "He could have said, "What?" or "I beg your pardon?"" "But Pooh would instead sing this song, which he made up for singing when his brain felt fluffy." "Goes like this:" "# Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie" "# A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly" "# Ask me a riddle and I reply" "# Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie" "Now, this is where the song changes key." "What we call a modulation." "That's G sharp minor." "# Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie" "# A fish can't whistle and neither can I" "# Ask me a riddle and I reply" "# Cottleston, Cottleston" "# Cottleston pie" "# Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie" "# Why does a chicken?" "I don't know why" "# Ask me a riddle and I reply" "# Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie" "OK." "Time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance." "And our guest tonight is Miss Florence Henderson." " Thank you." "Good evening, everyone." " Hey, baby." "OK." "And tonight's question is one that has bothered scholars everywhere:" ""Was William Shakespeare in fact Bacon?"" "(gasps)" "Is this some kind of bad joke?" " I-I-I don't understand, Piggy." " Bacon, my love, bacon." " I am tired of these continual pig slurs." " Oh." " You know, we pigs have feelings too." " Oh, no, no, no, no." "You see, I meant Francis Bacon." "France's bacon, Italy's bacon, Czechoslovakia's bacon." "Who cares?" "It's all bad taste." "Oh, no." "Bacon tastes real good." "I had some this morning." "Really made a pig of myself!" "(gasps)" "That does it!" "Pigs of the world, unite!" "Piggy." "Please, Piggy." "We don't have time for that now." "Yeah." "Besides, you're always hogging the time." "Get it?" "Hogging?" "Get this, weirdo." "Hii-yah!" "Hii-yah!" "Hii-yah!" "Hii-yah!" "Wait a minute!" "Hold it, hold it, hold it!" "Wait a minute!" "Piggy, come on, now." "Can we get back to the subject in hand?" " Miss Piggy, please." " I'm sorry." "Get back over there." "OK, the subject in hand." "Florence?" " Well, there's no question in my mind." " As to what?" "Nothing." "There's no question in my mind." "No answer either." "We have a saying in my country:" ""A woman who laughs at her own jokes seldom has branches on her shoetrees."" " That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." " So, don't visit our country." "Please." "The topic is..." "The topic is:" ""Were Shakespeare's works actually written by Francis Bacon?"" "All right, all right." "Listen." "We've been listening offstage and we've had enough of this garbage about bacon." "Right." "We pigs are true artists." "Miss Henderson, would you like to see our acrobatic act?" "Yes, I'd love to." "(Kermit) No, no, you don't want to see the acrobatic act." " (drumroll)" " And one, and... (all) Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "It's cute." "Cute act." "I'm sorry about that, Miss Henderson, but..." "Listen, we'll be back next week with another vital question for our panel:" ""Do attack dogs make good house pets?"" "Wake..." "wake me when the show starts." " It's already been on a while." " Oh." "Wake me when it's over." "(arguing)" "We got to get organized down here." "Will somebody tell those pigs to knock it off?" "Knock it off!" " Knock it off!" " Knock it off!" "Now, will we knock off the knocking-it-offs?" " Knock off the knocking-it-offs!" " Knock off the knocking-it-offs!" " Knock off the knocking-it-offs!" " Knock it off!" "You'll not see any more pigs on this show." "If I ever see another pig..." "Oh, Kermit, every time you yell" " it sends a shudder through my body." " Wonderful." "I tremble with desire and uncontrollable passion." "In you I see a seething volcano ready to erupt like Vesuvius and explode..." "Aaargh!" "We have a show to do!" "Will you get out of here?" " (snorts) He loves me." " (sighs) I give up." "I knew you would." " (loud kiss." "Snorting)" " Aaargh!" "Oh!" "Argh!" "OK, here he comes again now, folks, so stand by, sit tight, hold on and fasten your seatbelts." "The Muppet Show 's own furry funnyman, here he is, Mr. Fozzie Bear!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "OK, gang." "Grab your shoes and grab your socks." "Here come the jokes, here come the yocks." "Now, tonight I'm gonna try and put something new in my act." "Yeah." "Like comedy, maybe." "Hey, look, guys, I paid a lot of money for this new act and I want to see if it's good, OK?" " Could it possibly be good?" " Could it possibly be worse?" "OK, now, tonight I will do impressions of great movie actors from great movies." " Great!" "Wonderful!" " Love 'em!" "OK, OK, OK, OK." "First, Humphrey Bogart from Casablanca." "(clears throat)" "Play it again, Sam." "OK, OK, OK, OK." "Now, next is Jimmy Cagney from Mister Roberts." "Who took my palm tree?" "OK, next, Cary Grant from all his movies." "Judy, Judy, Judy." "Listen, all your impressions sound the same." "I can't help that." "They were all written by the same writer." " He's got a point there." " Yeah, on his head." "OK, any other impressions?" "Lmpressions, huh?" "Yeah." "We'd like to see an impression of a bear leaving a stage." "Gotcha." "Gotcha." "Presenting a bare stage." "Ha." "Bare." "Get it?" "I'm a bear." "No one on the stage." "Oh, I'm terrific." "I love me." "I'm too good for this show." "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy." " You know, he's getting better." " Yeah, or we're getting worse." "Once again, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson." "(# "Happy Together")" "Ah, Florence, I don't quite know how to say this, but me and a lot of the guys are really fond of you." "Oh, Lizard, that's very flattering." "# lmagine me and you, I do" "# I think about you day and night" "# It's only right to think about the girl you love and hold her tight" "(both) # So happy together" "# If I should call you up, invest a dime" "# And you say you belong to me and ease my mind # lmagine how the world would be, so very fine" "# So happy together" "(all) # I can't see me loving nobody but you" "# For all my life" "# When you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue" "# For all my life" " # Me and you - # And you and me" "# No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be" " # The only one for me is you - # And you for me" "(all) # So happy together" "Come on, everybody, sing it!" "(all) # I can't see me loving nobody but you" "# For all my life" "# When you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue" "# For all my life" " # Me and you - # And you and me" "(all) # So happy together" "# So happy together" "(all) # Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah" "# So happy together" "# We're happy" "# Together" "We didn't have time for Gonzo on the show this week." "That's too bad." "Well, Romeo, how are you and Miss Henderson getting along, hm?" "Piggy, jealousy doesn't become you." "Jealous?" "Moi?" "(laughs)" "'Tis to laugh. (laughs)" "I'm just glad that other women find my frog attractive." "Your frog?" ""Piggy," said the frog, trying to couch his next words in the gentlest of terms:" ""I am not your frog!"" " Methinks thou doth protest too much." " What?" " Shakespeare." " Sounds more like Bacon." "From a ham." "How would you like a pork chop?" "Hii-yah!" "Hii-yah!" "Hii-yah!" " You always hurt the one you love." " Oh." "Hii-yah!" "Oh, Florence." "You know, I could really fall for you." "Oh, sweetums." "Are you serious?" "He's serious." "This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane." "There's a hush in the air." "This is the traditional time of courtship of the Koozebanian creatures." "We're waiting now for the male Koozebanian creature to make the first move." "(high-pitched screech) Hii-yoo!" "Hark!" "That may be him now." "Hii-yoo!" "Wang, wang, wang, wang, wang, wang, wang, wang!" "(whooping)" "Wonk wonk!" "Now, that is the "wonk wonk" signal to the female creature." "Let's see if she makes the traditional response." "(hysterical laughter)" "Yeah, that is the traditional response to the wonk wonk." "(hysterical laughter)" "(Kermit) Ah, there she is, and what a beauty." "Now the tender ritual begins." "Watch as the male makes the first overture to the female, known as the "hargee."" "Hargee!" "Hargee!" "Haaargee!" "(hysterical laughter)" "I believe she likes him." "Hii-yoo!" "Hii-yoo!" "Hiiii-yoo!" "Boy, did you see that?" "That was the signal." "They're going to do the "galley-oh-hoop-hoop."" "This should be very exciting." "It's a television first, ladies and gentlemen, the Koozebanian galley-oh-hoop-hoop." "Watch closely, now." "They're going far away." "He's just about to make his turn now." "Hey you, mar brabee!" "Me braboobee!" "O-o-o-o-o-oh, yahoo!" "Wow!" "Stavite!" "This is it, ladies and gentlemen, the galley-oh-hoop-hoop." "Galley-oh!" "Hoop hoop!" "Well, there you have it, friends." "Once again, love comes to Koozebane." "OK, well, that's about all the show we have for you tonight." "We want to thank our very special guest, Miss Florence Henderson!" " Yeah!" " (applause)" "Hey, listen." "Thank you, Florence, for being our guest." "We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did." "Oh, you know I did, Kermit, especially our love scene." "Wire for Miss Henderson." "Wire for Miss Henderson." " Are you Miss Henderson?" " You know I am, Fozzie." "There's a wire for you." "Well, that does it, folks." "We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!" " I loved it." " So what?" "You also loved World War II." "(bum note)"