"Present" "I know I would be well advised to offer you a cocktail." "Screenplay" "But if you take me for being impertinent I cannot let this calumny lie." "Director of Photography" "Directed by" "If it seems that I impose upon you, Accept me or not, as the case may be." "You can always send me to the place no-one likes to go." "Dr Vlach and I meet in the coffee-house every Sunday." "Last week I hired a man-servant." "His name is Saturnin." "My life is now filled with new experiences and surprises." "For me, life was something of a slippery slope." "I could maintain a cool head but not my balance nor my derriere." "You´d be a good target, but no-one here would be capable of such originality." "You mean harpooning whales?" "I like your sense of humour." "Coffee, coffee, soda water, soda water, ashtray!" "Humanity can be divided according to the "café-man-doughnuts" theory." "The first man in the café will just look at a plate of doughnuts." "The second considers throwing them at people." "The third gets up and starts throwing." "No!" "Such people don´t exist." "Where would you place Saturnin?" "Such people don´t exist." "Where would you place Saturnin?" "Excuse me, madam." "No!" "We´ve moved, sir." "We´re living on a boat now." "Thank you, Saturnin." "On a boat by Legions´ Bridge?" "I don´t believe him." "You think that, if you had a flat this morning, you have one now?" "Your flat was like a primeval cave." "You liked it because you inherited it from your cave-dwelling ancestors." "Your flat has a ponderous air about it." "You exaggerate, doctor." "I´ve brought you some doughnuts for your trip, Mr Oulický." "Mr Saturnin said you´re going to the North Pole, he´s cleaning your weapons." "Don´t distress yourself, I´ll send you a postcard of a polar bear." "A polar bear?" "Welcome, captain." "The boat´s ready, dinner is prepared." "Let me take those." "Doughnuts will be served with coffee." "Your boat, your favourite easychair, your dinner." "Bon appetit." "It´s the steamboat doing that." "Does this happen often?" "Twice a day." "You´ll hear the horn." "Better to flee to dry land." "Would you like the lights on?" "Yes." "But if it means sinking the boat, I´d rather dine in the dark." "Would you like a candle, gas lamp or electric light?" "I haven´t seen any electric cables." "I suppose they´re submerged." "We´re not dependent on electricity, captain." "I think I´d prefer the gas lamp." "My friends think I hunt beasts of prey." "That I killed a shark with a camera tripod." "My boss asked me to sell him a crocodile tooth." "I don´t hunt tigers or sharks!" "Stop telling my friends this nonsense!" "That will be difficult." "They think you shot all these animals." "Is anyone down there?" "Are you down there, Mr Oulický?" "I´m looking for Mr Oulický." "How can I help you?" "I´m coming down." "Marcus Aurelius has escaped!" "We need you to help us catch him." "A man of unsound mind!" "I´m not sure I understand." "Don´t be so modest." "Just get your rifle." "You´d better not be involved in this!" "I swear to you that I am not." "You ought to help that man." "But he´s deranged!" "Haven´t you got a weapon?" "No." "Mr Oulický." "I´m the director of the zoo." "I admire your willingness and courage." "I´m sorry I didn´t see you catch the lion with your bare hands." "Thank you." "I thank you, too." "Marcus Aurelius is a lioness." "No-one´s perfect, sir." "Few women have straight legs, eh?" "They need you on court." "Hello." "Hello." "My partner hasn´t arrived." "Shall we have a game, we mustn´t be idle!" "I´d be very glad to." "You play without a racket?" "No, sorry." "Are you ready?" "Shall we take a break?" "In the middle of the set?" "We need to rest, have a drink..." "Do you take rests when you´re hunting?" "In that case, it´s quite the opposite." "It´s a training wall, sir." "It´s a disgrace losing to Miss Terebová 3:0." "Where did you learn to play tennis, Saturnin?" "I used to coach a certain lady." "Are you a champion swimmer as well?" "The ball must travel to your opponent´s side as swiftly as possible." "And low over the net, that´s this line on the wall." "We´ll have to make it higher." "I´m playing billiards, I´ll dine out." "And don´t move us anywhere else." "You surprised me." "Your new flat speaks of courage and a sporting spirit." "You know how many boats sink each year?" "But not on the Vltava." "But they do sink to the bottom." "The ship´s boiler might explode." "Our boat hasn´t got a boiler." "My uncle František was an explosives expert." "But he passed away." "I remember his famous explosion." "I was afraid of soap after that." "Uncle František had a laboratory and a wife called Kateøina." "To make fine soap from fine raw materials is not an art!" "To make soap from filth and grime is a task for a scientist." "Screw on the compressed oxygen pipe!" "You pour this in there, gentlemen." "Turn the valve when I say!" "Will it turn out as soap, sir?" "Blast it if I know." "Blast!" "Originally he had 20 employees, but only a few remained." "Really, gentlemen!" "You said there´d be a blast!" "I´m making soap, not dynamite." "I said "blast"!" "I was just fulminating!" "I wasn´t being literal!" "His staff then went to find safer work in an explosives factory." "What are we waiting for?" "Can I help you, madam?" "Put my luggage on the boat!" "I am Jiøí´s aunt." "I fear you are not expected." "Welcome a guest and you welcome God." "My version of that proverb is somewhat different." "Welcome on board, old chap!" "Don´t "old chap" me when you can´t even do up your pyjamas properly." "Sun is the best medicine, Jiøí." "It´s too dark in our flat, the spa´s too expensive and Milouš is ill." "There´s fresh air and sun on a boat." "He´ll be right as rain here." "The more the merrier." "Two heads are better than one." "Too many cooks spoil the broth." "This is my man-servant, Saturnin." "We´ve already met." "No smoking on board." "Who asked you?" "Your man-servant is a bit strange." "This boat is too small for four people." "My husband supplied the whole family with floor wax!" "But it stank and the wood turned black." "Give a dog a bad name..." "Nice boat." "I´ll mend the sail tomorrow." "This boat runs on a propeller." "It hasn´t got a sail?" "We have to buy a sail for the pole!" "Poles are for flags." "Sails are tied to masts." "This boat doesn´t have a mast." "That´s true." "I´m tired." "Let´s go to bed." "Good night." "Milouš!" "Dr Vlach says that if we find the idyll, we´ll stop appreciating it." "Fate would be doing us a good turn if it suddenly turned frosty." "Fate threw me out of my cabin." "But there´s no frost out here." "Would you prefer your aunt and Milouš to leave?" "They´re in their pyjamas." "I can´t imagine their departure to occur without casualties." "It´s half past ten." "By midnight your boat will be empty." "Is that you, Milouš?" "What?" "I´ve brought you some masks." "Is there a carnival going on?" "We´ve got rats here." "They might scamper across your face." "Put these masks on." "You´ve got rats here?" "I´m afraid we have." "Milouš!" "I give it two minutes." "Some are wise, some are otherwise." "You just needed to say the word." "Why don´t we launch the boat?" "Aye aye, captain!" "It was a real problem finding Advent masks in July." "What if she hadn´t believed us?" "I´d have gone to find some rats." "Life is wonderful!" "What´s happening, Saturnin?" "I fear we´ve encountered a weir!" "What weir?" "By Charles Bridge." "Is this boat insured?" "Of course." "Where´s the next weir?" "Štvanice, but that one´s bigger." "Did he really say 50 years?" "Yes, but on 3 conditions." "That we sail to the North Pole, that we name her after his fiancée and that we name the first land we discover after him." "What is his fiancée called?" "They´re about to separate." "He´ll let us know when he finds another fiancée." "I went on holiday to see my grampa, who used to run a power station." "He was a member of any club which had anything to do with electricity." "His house was 100% electrified which fascinated me as a boy." "The director wishes you the best of health and sends you this brandy." "Gentlemen don´t drink alcohol before noon." "That is true." "But something terrible has happened!" "Don´t trifle with me, Saturnin." "Is it really that bad?" "Yes." "We have a saying:" "There´s no stopping a woman with a mission." "Aunt Kateøina and Milouš have just arrived." "Saturnin is behaving like a lout!" "Unlike some, Saturnin was invited to this house." "You didn´t greet aunt Kateøina?" "Yes, I said:" "My dear, how do you do." "No!" "He said "Oh dear, how d´you do"." "So he did, then." "This is dreadful!" "I´m going for a walk." "I´ll help the director in his garage." "Milouš!" "Welcome." "Grampa said he´d be long dead before you got here." "He´ll only die if his greedy heirs finish him off." "Grampa wants to accelerate his departure from this world." "Saturnin is teaching grampa jujitsu." "It might work on aunt Kateøina." "She´s here as well?" "She´s everywhere." "Welcome." "I´m not doing so well." "But you look better." "How´s the jujitsu going?" "Tumitsu, Saturnin?" "Haisatsu is better, sir." "Haisatsu!" "Are you all right?" "I´ve got two broken legs, a few broken ribs and concussion." "I think I´ve sprained my ankle." "What kind of hold is this?" "First aid, sir." "Has Miss Terebová arrived?" "Who?" "My friend engineer Tereba´s daughter." "A nice young lady." "I forgot to pack your tennis racket." "Plaster is unwelcome on holiday." "Miss Terebová has arrived." "Let´s have a look, then." "Are you going to X-ray my right foot?" "Yes." "But I injured the left one." "We need to take both legs so we can compare them." "Ouch!" "Sorry, I didn´t catch that." "Dr Zajíèek is very thorough." "He says it´s nothing." "Perhaps he´s right." "Sorry to disturb." "We´re ready to go." "Have you got a permit to leave?" "No." "You have to get one from the office." "Where is the office?" "There´s no-one there now." "How do we obtain a permit, then?" "You get one from the office." "From whom, if no-one´s there?" "No-one." "But they conveyed us here." "That´s what ambulances are for." "You don´t need one to leave." "Is the driver a relative of yours?" "No." "I´m trying to negotiate here." "You might hear someone in distress." "The vehicle´s just standing idle!" "It´s only for patients." "You´ll be the patient soon!" "In the surgical and psychiatric wards." "Just write in the permit that the patient didn´t survive the journey!" "Where have you been?" "It´s going to rain!" "It´s dangerous." "Will we get through?" "Of course we will." "If this was a film, the bridge would be swept away by the water." "Perhaps you really did kill that shark." "Once a child, always a child!" "I told him he´d catch a chill!" "Like water off a duck´s back!" "Right." "What are you talking about?" "Grampa took his raincoat and boots and went out into the storm." "He wants to see the competition making electricity." "It´s the last straw that breaks the camel´s back." "Well, the bridge is broken." "Cook´s on the other side." "This place is suitable as a power station but not a house." "What have you got growing there?" "Better use a hankie." "I´m expecting an important letter!" "The postman has to get through!" "The electricity´s not working." "Someone´s got to see to the kitchen." "I´ll go and have a look." "She´ll cook better than Kateøina." "I´ll find some alternative lighting." "Alternative lighting?" "I´m going to make some torches." "It´s raining and there´s no electricity." "At least Barbora´s here." "Miss Terebová permitted you to call her Barbora?" "Don´t be silly." "She hasn´t gone unnoticed." "You take a fancy to twentysomethings?" "You´re too old for that." "I bet you that by the end of the week..." "Help!" "His whiskers are on fire!" "Get some water!" "Not water!" "Sand!" "Sand!" "I have an unusual request." "I like unusual requests." "We agreed that Saturnin would pursue Milouš relentlessly." "Out of revenge for Milouš referring to Miss Terebová in that manner." "Did grampa really ask Milouš to go out and look for worms?" "He said that idleness could destroy a young man." "Chess rules do not permit long and short castling." "I know!" "I´ll put it back." "That young lady can´t cook." "I´ve brought you some stewed fruit." "I don´t want stewed fruit." "I want to play chess!" "Chess requires concentration." "Impossible with aunt Kateøina around." "What about a glass of milk?" "I´ll leave you, then." "I´ve got some worms." "So what?" "I want to play chess!" "Check." "Those are my figures." "No!" "Yes!" "The table is laid." "Who shut Milouš in his room?" "Silence speaks louder than words." "Saturnin told me about his last place of employment." "You either stand too far away or you stand too near!" "This rose is unseemly for a person of my age and it doesn´t match my dress!" "It´s disgraceful serving me meringue at my age!" "No, no!" "Absolutely not!" "The table is laid." "Lunch was excellent, Miss Barbora." "You have our appreciation." "We need food, let´s go mushrooming!" "Wonderful idea!" "Easy won, easy lost." "Go elsewhere if you don´t like it." "Old people shouldn´t eat mushrooms." "Then don´t eat them!" "We won´t find any mushrooms like this." "We must split into two groups." "We´ll draw for it." "Give me some matches." "Those who draw the same length will pair up." "The oldest draw first." "No head on mine!" "We keep choosing but we still come back to the first variant." "No head on mine, either." "Come on, Jiøí." "Just as well we found mushrooms." "Auntie gave the food to Milouš." "Don´t you want jam on those?" "Did they leave us any?" "I sense optimism." "That´s a good thing." "How many days before one of us has to brave the water and cross the river to get food?" "3 to 4 days." "No need to worry, I´ve arranged with the builder that if the old bridge is washed away he´ll build a new one." "Allow me, young man." "You did that on purpose!" "I´m not malicious." "Sit on it properly, silly boy!" "Only my chair collapses and someone´s been moving my furniture about." "My birch water was replaced with paraffin!" "Someone put a wasp in my boots and it bit me!" "Wasps don´t bite!" "Well, this one did!" "People get cabin fever when they´re always together." "Like us." "Let´s go on an outing to my log cabin, then." "We can spend the night in the cabin and then go into town." "Whoever wants can stay here and we´ll bury him when we get back." "What if someone doesn´t last out?" "We´ll throw him to the wild animals." "Don´t know what group I belong in." "Don´t use your tennis as a gauge." "Sorry, I thought you were a robber." "Why are you fighting?" "Who broke that vase?" "Who gave Milouš a weapon?" "Who´s ringing the doorbell?" "I put a match there so we´d know when the electricity was working." "I can hear someone talking." "It´s in Spanish!" "All the food´s disappeared!" "Let´s ask Saturnin." "Don´t bring the servants into this." "Perhaps he took the food." "No-one suspects Saturnin." "You make your bed, you lie in it." "Just as long as we don´t end up serving Saturnin." "No use crying over spilt milk." "Someone drank the milk." "I´ve got an important letter waiting for me and we´re arguing about food!" "No-one has started building a new bridge yet." "What´s happened to the food we had for our journey?" "This is getting ridiculous!" "Don´t interfere, Kateøina!" "Madam Kateøina will tell you." "Let´s talk in private." "You can talk here." "No I can´t!" "Call Saturnin!" "I told Saturnin to take the food." "When there´s danger, women and children have to go first!" "So, you want to leave the weaker of us to the wild beasts." "Milouš and I were hungry." "We thought we wouldn´t make the journey." "We ate everything!" "I didn´t know mother took the food." "I´m not a child!" "Our mistake." "We made light of a danger which poses no threat." "Will you take my knapsack?" "Yes." "There´s a deer over there." "Where?" "Between the beech trees." "I can´t see it." "You have to look from here." "It´s wonderful!" "You´re like a young man again!" "A sound mind in a healthy body." "You mustn´t believe those proverbs." "They took a man to hospital five times." "He thought a dog´s bark is worse than his bite." "A friend of mine stayed here and he said he´d leave the key here." "Dear doctor, I like your sense of humour." "In Prague you said climbing trees is extremely beneficial." "I didn´t find the key but a note saying it was up in a tree." "I suspected the worst." "It wasn´t 5 metres, but 7 metres up." "But it turned out well in the end." "I spent a lovely week here." "You´ll find the key in the pool." "Happy diving!" "How deep is it?" "About 2 metres." "3 metres?" "4 perhaps?" "It´s not that deep." "Come on, doctor." "Jump!" "Jump?" "Well I´ll be!" "That was a terrible dive!" "Some people love water." "Is this the one, doctor?" "I´m going to make a speech!" "It was all uphill yesterday." "Today it´s all downhill." "When we get to the town we´ll dine in style." "Hooray!" "Aah!" "Hang on, grampa!" "It´ll be all right." "Pull it gently." "Upwards?" "No, to the right!" "Gently move it to the left!" "Why don´t you all gently get lost?" "I told you: don´t count your chickens before you´re out of the woods!" "We´ll have to spend the night here." "Don´t be ridiculous!" "There´s nothing else for it." "Madam, your blanket." "You take two blankets." "You´re injured." "Where did you get the blankets?" "I brought them with me." "Are you going to do your speech now?" "Yes." "Good night!" "We´ve got a hard day tomorrow." "Good night." "You ought to have a shave." "What´s the matter?" "I saw you." "Let´s hasten in search of the Sokol banner." "May our land be troubled until the battle ceases." "Each stand in their place so long as the battle wages." "He who renounces his land, the blade will find his traitorous chest!" "Are you going to have a wash?" "No, and I´m not shaving, either." "Great idea, Saturnin." "I´ve got a bottle like that in the cabin." "I know, this is it, doctor." "Hunger is the best sauce." "Prepare for the worst." "I think my hunger has passed." "Thank the builder for me." "And buy me some aluminium acetate." "I´m going home." "Young men may die but old men must die." "My husband was your son." "He´ll ask you up there if his wife and son are taken care of." "You´re almost 70." "How long do you think you´ll live?" "Barbora and I went to make purchases in town." "The shop assistant thought we were married." "I liked that." "And Miss Barbora didn´t seem to mind, either." "Why was Bellerophon never able to catch Pegasus?" "Someone has to come with me!" "Where?" "Up there." "The single rooms are all occupied!" "Put your dressing gown on!" "People who jump off trams will be immediately caught by the police!" "The director´s writing his will." "Grampa is a wise man!" "He´s not in a fit state to decide about his estate." "I hope you´re not implying that grampa is of unsound mind." "The director has made his decision." "His relatives will be satisfied." "Everyone will be taken care of." "Not everyone!" "Does he realise this?" "The director has left his entire estate to charity." "Don´t jump!" "It´s not high enough!" "Milouš!" "We´re leaving!" "I´m going to have that will invalidated." "I hope you´re not implying that grampa is of unsound mind." "Madam!" "She´s gone mad." "There we have it!" "She´s gone mad." "There we have it!" "I never asked you for anything in 30 years." "But I have a request now." "I´d like Saturnin to stay with me." "We´ve got a plan." "Books state that young men stick out their chin, prepared for battle." "Human anatomy rules out this posture." "We´ve found 120 examples of this nonsense." "And we´ve only gone through one volume in the library." "Don´t look at the driver while the car is moving!" "Talking is not allowed but looking is." "In this car it´s the other way round." "May I invite you somewhere?" "Yes." "When?" "Anytime." "Wednesday at three at the National?" "Do I need to wear a life jacket?" "Last time, I wrote to you about the Public Plot Probability Office." "Anyone can write to us who thinks the author takes him for a fool." "He sends us the text and we tell him the truth of the matter." "Here´s an example:" "A blue cloud of cigar smoke rose above the desk of Dubský the industrialist." "He received Sláma the clerk coldly." "But Sláma was incensed." "He discovered his boss intended to marry off his daughter to a banker." "Sláma cried:" "You villain!" "What did you say?" "You´re a villain and an egotist!" "Your daughter loves me!" "You´re forcing her into marriage because of money!" "I won´t let that happen!" "Sláma banged his fist on the table." "Dubský the industrialist went pale." "The Public Plot Probability Office discovered the following:" "The industrialist was not Dubský but Mikulka." "He´d had a hard day." "A blue cloud of cigarette smoke rose above his desk." "He received Sláma in a normal fashion." "The clerk couldn´t speak for anger." "Illvain!" "What did you say?" "Illvain!" "Sogetit!" "Dour laughter moves ye!" "The industrialist was afraid for his employee´s sanity." "The industrialist had 2 daughters." "One married a banker she loved." "The younger one doesn´t want to marry." "Our Office hereby states that only the cloud of smoke is true." "Guess who?" "Good afternoon, Barbora." "What would you like?" "Coffee and something sweet." "Waiter, the lady would like a coffee and some doughnuts." "Doughnuts?" "Yes." "Every story should end with a wedding." "So I won´t disappoint you." "A wedding was held in St Anthony´s for aunt Kateøina." "You have decided before Almighty God to accept the holy state of matrimony." "I know I was well advised to offer you this story." "But if you take me for being impertinent I cannot let this calumny lie." "If it seems that I impose upon you, Accept me or not, as the case may be." "You can always send me to the place no-one likes to go." "Don´t look upon my grey hair, I don´t even know if I have any." "So long as the spotlights and stage exist, I could sorely part with them."