"Where's Penny?" "Who shows up an hour late to their own birthday?" "She's actually right on time." "I told you to come earlier so you wouldn't be late." "You witch." "You tricked us." "You can't just go daylight-savings'ing people." "That makes no sense." "Guys, honest opinion." "Does this outfit make me look like a tree?" "You mean like tree in the way a hard New Yorker would say the number tree?" "Yeah, you look like a tree out of 1 0 at best." "[imitates AL pacino] So let's go to Times Square, get some Famous Ray's pizza." "Hoo-ah." "Uh-oh." "I'm stuck in a Pacino." "Hoo-ah!" "We need to focus." "We cannot have a repeat of when Alex and Dave ruined Penny's birthday." "As long as Dave doesn't bring someone from Degrassi Junior High I'm sure we'll be fine." "Hey, if Degrassi is on the field, play ball." "Am I right?" "Sorry." "Proud of the wordplay, not the message." "Real talk, guys?" "Penny's had some rough birthdays." "To Penny!" "ALL:" "To Penny!" "[DOG growling]" "What is that?" "I don't know." "A dog?" "It was being cool on the way over!" "[HORN TOOTS]" "Oh, boy." "That was the most hilarious near-death experience I've ever seen." "I've seen Anthony Anderson play tennis." "is it just me or is Penny's birthday cursed?" "Cursed." "Cursed." "A curse amongst us." "Yeah." "Terribly cursed." "Which is why we have to do better this year." "Tonight, we gotta bring in the noise and, time permitting, also the funk." "Hey, friends." "Happy birthday!" "MAX:" "What you done?" "BRAD:" "We were talking about you." "You look so good." "Hi." "You okay?" "I feel like this is fake, but love the energy, enthusiasm." "What is the plan for tonight?" "We hope you have on your eating pants." "Because we are taking you to, drum roll, please." "Nothing?" "Okay, I hate you guys." "Big Dom's!" "Big Dom's!" "Yes." "Are we sure we wanna go there?" "What?" "You were saying the other day you love that place." "But I heard that since then it's gotten pretty racist." "And we got this guy on our hands." "Who?" "Me?" "I haven't eaten all day in preparation for this, so I don't care if they sit me next to a Nazi stormtrooper." "Wait." "Darth Vader was a Nazi?" "Come on, Penny." "Big Dom's isn't racist." "We made a whole thing, let's go." "Okay." "The truth is I'm not allowed to go back there." "What?" "When I broke up with Nick, he split up our favorite places so we won't bump into each other." "He insisted on getting Big Dom's." "Wow." "He sucks." "But the good news is I got Saul's Discount Eyewear." "Wow." "Yeah, I am not a great negotiator." "Uh-uh." "Whatever." "Let's come up with a new plan." "The curse of Penny's birthday strikes again." "Ow!" "Ow!" "What curse?" "Oh, nothing." "We just all decided that your birthday was super cursed." "JANE:" "Shh." "What?" "That is ridiculous." "I mean, have I had some rough ones?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I heard that!" "Not being able to go to our choice restaurant?" "That is not the sign of a birthday curse." "MAX:" "Power outage." "The curse of Penny's birthday has struck again." "DAVE:" "You're leaning on the light switch." "The curse of Max's love handles has struck again." "Guys, there are a million restaurants in this city." "I'm sure we'll find a great one for my birthday, like, um..." "Uh..." "ALEX:" "Right." "Hm..." "Pfft, pfft, pfft." "Uh..." "Did everybody else's mind just go blank?" "Totally blank." "Mm-hm." "That was crazy." "So black." "What I was thinking about:" "If Mary Tyler Moore married then divorced Steven Tyler, married and divorced Michael Moore, got into a lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by Mary Tyler Moore-Tyler-Moore-Moore-Moore?" "Hm." "Mm." "I'm out." "Okey-dokey." "DAVE:" "Yeah." "Ow." "[♪♪♪]" "I'm starving, guys." "Let's throw out some restos." "This is a safe space." "All ideas are welcome, as long as they're not stupid." "Well, you guys are in luck." "I have a super power when it comes to picking the perfect restaurant." "Al, do you remember Christmas night 2005?" "We were with your diabetic cousin, his vegan girlfriend and that Hasidic Jew we met at the theater." "Third row, third cast, Rent," "We never thought we would agree on a restaurant until, out of the blue, I stand up and I say:" ""Wu Palace."" "True story." "Yeah." "No reason to make that up." "A really beautiful story." "Do you have a suggestion?" "Wu Palace?" "It closed five years ago." "Just give me a minute to think." "Not like Superman can just fly whenever he wants." "Yeah, he can." "Yeah." "Well, I don't care." "I am totally happy going wherevs." "Go for Indian." "Already had that for lunch." "Thai." "I had Thai for lunch too." "Barbecue?" "Oh, my God." "Oh..." "What about tapas?" "I could do El Toreador." "Oh, no, no." "No dice." "Can't go back there." "As they say in Spanish, Jane and I got caught having sex in the bathroom." "And a few other west-side restaurants are trouble spots as well." "[SPEAKS in foreign LANGUAGE]" "[SPEAKS in foreign LANGUAGE]" "[GASPS]" "You guys mind if I tag in?" "Why do you always get caught?" "If we didn't wanna get caught, we'd just have sex at home." "Yeah, you dumb idiot." "I got it." "Once again, Dave Rose has the solush." "I've the perfect place that will titillate your senses, activate your neurons-- l can't listen to this anymore." "I'm way too hungry." "Let's just go to Medora." "BRAD:" "Yeah!" "I love that place." "Wait." "ALEX:" "That's great." "PENNY:" "I love Medora." "Wanna hear my idea?" "PENNY:" "We don't care." "But it's a good idea." "Shh." "My super power." "Wu Palace." "[♪♪♪]" "PENNY:" "I love it, I love it." "Oh, my God." "That food smells so good." "Can't believe we were able to get the last table." "It is my 29th birthday miracle." "ALL:" "Thirty-first." "We'll split the difference, call it 30." "It's still wrong." "Either way, there is no birthday curse." "I think this place is even better than Big Dom's." "Yeah." "Totally." "You know who would love this place?" "That barely-legal junk-box that Dave brought to Penny's birthday last year." "The one with the tramp stamp and the tongue ring and the bad hat?" "And she's right behind me, isn't she?" "No." "Oh, that's because she's over there." "ALEX:" "What?" "Oh, my God, it's Jackie." "Guys, I did not know that Jackie worked here." "We can't stay." "Curse of Penny's birthday strikes." "What?" "First of all, there is no curse." "Secondly, that was over a year ago." "She probably doesn't remember us." "Well, look who it is." "My least favorite people ever." "Great to see you again." "Here we go!" "That bitch still young." "So, Jackie, how's high school?" "Well, Alex, if you must know, I'm graduated." "BRAD:" "Congrats." "I'm waiting tables to save money for stripping lessons so I can save money for college." "Got a lot on the burner." "Very responsible." "And not that it's any of your business, Dave, but I'm dating a guy who has his own car and could totally kick your ass." "Can he rent a U-Haul without his parents' signature?" "I can." "His parents are dead." "So if this is uncomfortable for you, we can get another waiter." "jackie:" "No." "Yeah." "I'm super excited about waiting on you guys." "I'm gonna make sure your food gets extra special attention." "She's definitely gonna do something sloppy to our food." "Hell, yeah." "Yeah." "No confusion on that." "She's not gonna do anything to the food, as she's a professional." "When I was a waiter, I was a professional too, unless you did something I didn't like." "Then I introduced your eggs Benedict to my eggs and Benedict." "His Sackman and Throbin." "jackie:" "Here you go." "Fried calamari." "On the house." "Enjoy." "Hm." "There was something objectively creepy about that." "Guys, it's no bigs." "Let's just go to another restaurant." "Oh, fine, but I'm starving." "And I don't wanna hear any of this, "Ooh, I can't go there" stuff, okay?" "First place someone says, is where we're going." "Silvers." "Ooh, I can't go there." "Why?" "Remember, I got fired." "Me and management didn't exactly see eye to eye about some of their ancillary distribution policies." "You guys got the cash?" "I got the stuff." "I got a bone-in rib eye." "Inside, goes for 30. I'll give it for 1 0." "I got a Kansas City-- Go, go." "Now." "Who buys half-eaten steak?" "Aha, David." "Certified preowned steak, and no one." "I have a brain idea." "El Agave." "PENNY:" "Yes!" "Yes." "El Agave!" "It's so much fun." "They'll fry anything." "I don't know." "Might be a little weird for Brad." "It used to be kind of a breakup spot for him." "You had a restaurant specifically to break up with people?" "Yes." "El Agave." "It was perfect." "There was a mariachi band, the silverware was plastic and the tables were bolted to the ground." "I really think we need to see other people." "You little bitch!" "I can't believe you would do this to me!" "I need you right now!" "[GRUNTlNG AND TABLE rattling]" "Argh!" "Great story, Brad, but can we stop reminiscing like homos and start getting over to El Agave and shoving our face with tacos?" "DAVE:" "Yeah." "I'm not really a fan of El Agave." "Have you been there?" "Yeah." "You took me there once." "When we were dating." "Oh." "I don't-- Hm." "DAVE:" "Here is the list." "You got the pizza menu." "I don't see it." "DAVE:" "Don't they put pizza on all menus?" "MAX:" "Don't know." "Let me look." "[♪♪♪]" "Why don't you explain to me why you took me to your breakup restaurant, Brad?" "Well, it wasn't just my breakup restaurant." "It was also my "impress a date with my Spanish" restaurante," "Aw. lsn't that sweet?" "I don't remember you speaking any Spanish that night." "In fact, instead of ordering tacos you asked for meat, lettuce and cheese in one of those crispy, half-moon envelope thingies." "Before you guys go any further, can I just say something?" "Jane, there's no food in your purse." "I'm wasting away over here." "All you have is a bunch of clippings from when you used to figure skate." "What is wrong with you?" "You were so good." "Yeah no." "I'm gonna go to the bar and destroy myself." "So come get me when you pick out a restaurant." "Oh, and preferably one that my husband didn't take me to to curb-stomp my heart." "The curse has got Jane." "For the last time, there is no curse." "I mean, are two of my best friends fighting on my birthday?" "Yes." "But, you know, is Max dangerously close to eating tainted squid?" "Yes." "I could do it." "I once ate peanut butter I found in a mousetrap, it didn't kill me." "You ate that?" "She urinated on this." "These are minor setbacks and I am not gonna let anything ruin my 29th" "ALL:" "Thirty-first." "Agree to disagree." "Birthday." "Wrong." "You were born 31 years ago." "Well, faster than a speeding bullet, I've got a new idea." "Table 23." "What do you say?" "Yes!" "Yes, I love Table 23!" "Jane loves that place." "It'll help her cool off." "Actually, Jane hasn't been welcome there since she challenged their no-substitutions policy." "My cheese, my choice, alrighty?" "Look at that, it looks great." "Okay." "All right." "Tell my story!" "We restaurant owners absolutely hate substitutions." "I mean, would you tell Armani where to put the buttons?" "No." "So I will not put the aioli on the side, Jeff." "Stop calling yourself a restaurant owner." "Restaurants don't have wipers." "What's going on here is everyone's blood sugar is a little bit low." "is that a straw harpoon?" "We just need to calm down, get some food in us, and let cooler heads prevail." "This ends now." "Brad." "Brad!" "Go fix things with your wife." "I wanna see if he's gonna" "Just go!" "I cannot believe I'm going to do this, but I'm gonna go smooth things over with Jackie." "You two stay here and keep an eye on Max." "My bad." "PENNY:" "Damn it!" "Ugh!" "Ah!" "MAX:" "Sorry." "I'm holding this." "Yeah." "Everyone thought, you know, gold medal." "And the kicker is Oksana Baiul stole all of my moves." "Hey, boo." "Do not boo me, okay?" "Can't you see I am hanging out with my new friend Andy?" "is this the guy?" "Chill down." "He'll eat your world." "Listen, Jane, you were right." "I was planning on breaking up with you." "That's great news." "Thanks so much for the update." "But it was because things were getting so serious and I was young, and I was scared, and..." "Stupid." "Stupid." "There it is." "But you know what happened instead?" "I think we should talk." "Oh, hold that thought." "I will have the fajita enchiladas." "Instead of strips of chicken, I'd like it cubed." "I'd like onions well-done, peppers crunchy." "I'd like the plate to be sizzling." "I'd like to request you not tell me to be careful, the plate is hot." "I know. lt's a sizzling plate." "And I knew I'd never go back to that restaurant." "Because I made the waiter cry, we got our pictures put up by the bounced checks?" "That was part of it." "But I also knew I'd never need a breakup restaurant again." "Because I found a woman who was so sure of what she wanted, and she wanted me." "Plus, you have freakish upper body strength, could have unbolted that table, beat me with it." "Yeah. I could have." "Yeah, you could have." "You strong." "Strong like a man." "Heh, heh." "Like a man." "You wanna get out of here?" "Read the room, dude." "All right." "Let's be honest." "You're not my favorite, but tonight is not about us." "It is about Penny's birthday." "And I am sorry that last year, I called you an underage slut, et cetera, but if you could bring some food that isn't laced with your bodily fluids it would really help us out of a jam." "I didn't do anything to your food, Alex, but I did just slash the tires to Dave's Altima." "That's what you get for not calling me after taking me to the prom." "Okay, Dave doesn't drive an Altima." "Hold up." "He took you to your" "Prom?" "You went to her prom?" "Was there food?" "What was the food situation?" "Was there an omelet bar?" "Was there a buffet?" "Yes, okay, I went to her prom, only because I was writing a story for the Chicago Sun-Times," "Garry Marshall was breathing down my neck." "MAX  PENNY:" "Never Been Kissed, DAVE:" "Fine." "The reason I went to prom was because I'm pathetic." "We realized when you cast yourself as Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed," "Dave, what's pathetic about a grown man attending a high school prom?" "Ooh." "Did you lose your virginity like you always hoped you would?" "You're jealous because you missed your prom." "Dated a poet that told her prom was a holiday invented by tuxedo companies." "Nathan wasn't a poet." "He was a bard." "Guys, please just stop fighting, okay?" "Jackie told us it is safe to eat here." "Can we order and enjoy yourselves?" "A 29th birthday comes once in a lifetime." "ALL:" "Thirty-first." "You know what?" "You're right." "Happy 29th birthday." "BOTH:" "Happy 29th birthday." "Thank you." "Okay." "Yes." "B-day back on track." "No curse." "I'm sorry." "I have to ask you all to leave." "I just caught your friends in the bathroom having sex." "PENNY:" "Oh, God." "Guess what, guys?" "We made up." "Yay." "MAX:" "Well, all right." "Right." "MAX:" "Hurry out." "I've been thinking about this restaurant problem we're having and I came up with a solution." "We are too inside-the-box." "We've gotta branch out." "Talk about restaurants that maybe don't exist." "For example, where does Gollum eat?" "Okay, just let it go." "Sir?" "Thank you." "Look, you guys were right." "I mean, I think this birthday curse is a real thing." "It is like-- lt's like the Madden curse." "What does your birthday have to do with a video game?" "No." "The Becky Madden curse." "She's a girl I went to camp with." "She had the worst luck." "She peed all over herself in the middle of a ropes course in front of everyone and then last year, she was killed in a murder-suicide at the state fair." "Sorry for your loss." "No." "Penny, you are not gonna give up now, okay?" "Things are about to turn around." "We're all gonna go get in your ca" "JANE:" "Car." "Oh, that's an Altima." "I just paid that off." "VALET:" "Here you go, miss." "Thank you." "Guess I will be walking home." "No." "Penny." "We're gonna make your birthday awesome whether you like it or not." "We break the curse." "That curse should be scared of us." "We are criminals and sex addicts with terrible judgment and we can ruin anything we put our minds to." "You know what, we are gonna ruin that stupid curse." "Great moments are born from great opportunity." "That's what we have here tonight." "I'm sick and tired of hearing how great a hockey team the Soviets have." "Yeah" " Wait. ls that the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle?" "It's their time up there." "It's our time." "Our time down here." "It's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket." "Now she's doing Goonies?" "We gotta do what we should have done." "We gotta take Big Dom's back." "Yes." "Thank you." "No way." "That's Nick's place." "He goes there every night." "We go to 1 0 restaurants, we get kicked out of nine, but not that restaurant, not tonight." "So let's get it out there and take it." "Back to Miracle, She's having a stroke." "ALEX:" "U,S,A, U,S,A, U,S,A,!" "Unh!" "Whoa!" "Get it all. I'll get it all for you." "Kerkovich, party of six." "We're not taking no for an answer." "Sure." "Your table is right this way." "We never canceled the reservation." "So, what do we do?" "How do we even take back a restaurant?" "First things first." "We knock out the busboys." "We take their uniforms." "Then we look for a heating duct." "Dave, how quickly can you grow a mustache?" "Quicker than most." "Doesn't matter." "Once we get crawling in the heating ducts, there's a possibility" "Now that I got some food in me, climbing through the vents is a bit excessive and knocking out the busboys is mean." "We sit like normal people and have a normal meal." "Yeah." "You guys, I'm sorry I was being so crazy." "I don't know why I ever had any problem with this" "There's Nick." "Your first instinct is to hide under the table?" "What's the endgame?" "I've made a huge mistake." "Don't tell him that I'm here." "Hey." "You're Penny's friends, right?" "ALL:" "Mm." "She's not here with you?" "Maybe." "No. I don't know." "She's all around us." "Well, we had this arrangement that she would stay away from here." "Yeah, we're all privy to your arrangement, Nick, and as a restaurant owner, I find it offensive." "Nobody should own a restaurant except people like me, a restaurant owner." "Dude, give it up." "Whatever." "When you see Penny, tell her I left some stuff at her place." "I would like it back." "You know what, buddy-- PENNY:" "Tell her yourself." "Because she's right here and she's standing tall." "Emotionally standing tall." "Technically, I am under the table." "Why are you under the table?" "PENNY:" "I can go wherever I want." "My blouse is caught on something." "She got caught." "Makes a lot of sense why she'd be under there." "You don't get Big Dom's." "You don't get to ban me and if you're uncomfortable seeing me somewhere, then just stay away." "Oh, and, Nick?" "One more thing before you go." "Get to stepping." "DAVE:" "Dom's back." "Walk on down." "DAVE:" "Beat it, sucker." "PENNY:" "Guys, we did it." "The birthday curse is officially defeated." "[DRESS rips AND PENNY SCREAMS]" "Okie-dokie." "No." "You know what?" "I'm fine with this, because all that matters is that Big Dom's is ours again." "This is a family restaurant." "I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave." "Yeah, that's a solid policy." "We'll see ourselves on out." "MAX:" "U,S,A,!" "ALL:" "U,S,A,!" "U,S,A,!" "U,S,A,!" "U,S,A,!" "See?" "I told you guys I'd come up with the perfect place." "Rosalita's." "Great save." "We literally come here every night." "This place is my emergency contact because someone says I don't know what is and is not an emergency." "You are welcome." "We should have come here first." "Although I wish I'd gone to the bathroom before Brad and Jane got in there." "Well, it's a minute to midnight, so you survived your birthday." "Yes, and I overcame the birthday curse." "No more curses." "ALL:" "No more curses." "[speaking in foreign LANGUAGE]" "This cannot be good for you." "Oh, she just wants the salt." "Oh, she just wants the salt." "[ALL SCREAM]" "[speaking in foreign LANGUAGE]" "My God." "Did we just switch bodies?" "Here we go!" "My God, this pizza is amazing." "I'm Dave."