"woman one, two." "one, two, three, four!" "I' ve been out ofthe woods for six days and nights now and i'm a little hard-wired but i'm feeling allright now" "i got some money in my pocket and i won't need a ride, yeah got a big-jettedcar anda baby by my side, yeah well, i'm a little hard-wired but i'm feeling okay andigot a little lost out along the way" "but i'm just around the corner to the light of day yeah i'm just around the corner to the light of day, yeah" "i'm driv in '500miies got 500 togo, yeah i've got rock 'n 'roll music on my radio look, debbie!" " oh, my god, hi!" " how are you?" " we watch your show all the time." " good to see you." "thankyou. thankyou." "all right. you have a good day." " all screaming - bye!" "man theysay the only luck is the iuckyou make." "in the winterof'88, i was the luckiest man alive." "ihadit aii-- fame, fortune andmy own parking space... at harrisburg's trendiest bistro." "i wouidhave done anything to keep it all." "and, unfortunately, idid." "jack, how are ya?" " good morning, mr. richards." " did you get a haircut?" " oh, yes." "looks good. don't get too good-looking. i'll be out ofa job." "chuckles oh, how about this winter weather, eh?" "farmer'saimanac sure didn't get it right this year." ""caterpillar injune, cold winter soon," they said." "amateurs,jack. hillbilly folklore, that's all it is." "you should write your own almanac, mr. richards." "something people could believe in." "maybe one day i will,jack." "maybe one day i will." " enjoy your breakfast." " good morning." " wendy, how are you?" "just fi ne." " yeah. how's the cold?" " oh, it'sjust allergies, i think." "really?" "oh, not allergic to me, are you?" "no. laughs i don't think so." " you're so bad." " guilty as charged." "i'll be right back with your cantaloupe and egg whites." " okay. you pick me a ripe one." " excuse me, mr. richards." " sorr, but can i get a picture?" "well, sure." "it's my son's birthday, and he saw you walk in." " what's your name, skipper?" " sam." "sam. well, you're a big fella, samarino." "how old are you today?" "twenty-seven?" "chuckles i'm five." "five?" "well, how's the wife?" "aiiright. happy birthday." " thanks for coming by. all right." " thankyou." " oh, you gotta love it." " wow." "you're russ richards, aren't you?" "last time i checked. well, hello!" "hi. here." "let meguess." "mmm. it's a resume ofsomesort, andyou're looking forajob in broadcasting." "yeah, just read it. asshole." "you are mr. lucky today." "i found you the ripest melon in harrisburg." " christmasdon't be late - fuck!" "announcer live from harrisburg and news center six." "covering harrisburg, york, lancaster and lebanon, it's news at five with dan shuff, heidi zimmer... and russ richards with the weather." "this is news at five." "man good evening." "a teacher is behind bars tonight... for allegedly locking an unruly student in a broom closet." "that stor coming up." "but fi rst, let's check in with the weather center... to see ifthese beautiful temperatures will continue." " russ?" " yes, it's the middle of december, and we still have more 60-degree weather heading our way." "now don't panic, folks." "you're not in the twilight zone." "humming theme from twiiightzone now, on the downside, ifthe weather gets any nicer, my aunt mildred could move back from fort lauderdale." "just kidding. a wonderful woman." "anyhoo, i'll be back with a complete forecast a little later." "take it, dan." "thanks, russ." "we'll check in with you later." "manandnowthe fourth." "womaneieven." "man andthe fifth number, please." " hi, russ." " woman thirty." "hey, dottie. how are you?" " still struggling with the diet." " oh, yeah?" "don't get too thin." "it's not good foryou." "eight." "man and there you have it." "tonight's pennsylvania lotter number: 1 9, 47, 3, 1 1 , 30, 8." "ifyou have it, come and get it." " if not, better luck next time." " back to you, dan." " we gonna talk about this?" " nothing to talk about, cochise." "i told you no more loans." "penn fed's down the street." "this is not-- not a loan. an advance. stop acting like it's coming out ofyour pocket." "ifyou didn't piss your money away, you wouldn't need an advance." "now, what is it this week-- racquetball courts?" "peeweegoif?" "snowmobiles. you know it." "i told you that." "jesus christ." "it's exhausting with you." "snowmobiles. how's business?" "when this heat wave ends, i'm golden." " you're the weatherman. end it." " groans" " where the heiiis he?" " crystal!" "how many times do i have to tell those guys about the cables?" "i almost broke my fucking neck on live television!" "yeah." "oh, sorr. i didn't realize you were in the middle ofa meeting." "no, it's okay." "it's okay. calm down." " calm down." " you know-  come with me." " ihave to leave, ofcourse." "itaikedto them about this thing." "it's nevergonna happen again." "all right?" "just relax." "it's not gonna happen again." " hi, boss." " hello. how you doing, bobby?" "i can't do the olive garden tonight." " scoffs - my wife invited a few people over." " i've gotta eat at home." " that'sjust great, dick." "no, you know what?" "i am tired ofthis bullshit." "hey, hey, hey." "easy. come on." "remember, we got that affi liates thing coming up." " uh-huh." " six days in hawaii." " mm-hmm." " eating like pigs." "christ, you got some body on you." "giggles tell me something i don't know." "do we have anything else?" "ithink we're through here." "unless you want to torture me about the fucking weather chopper." "like that was a bad idea." "weather chopper?" "come on, i'm a weatherman." "you know what the truth is?" "i feel bad foryou, dick. i do." "one day you're gonna wake up, and you're gonna realize... you had a diamond in your hand, and you let it slip away." "to where, atlantic city?" " oh, that's what this is about." " to be a biggameshowhost." "that's right. i hear everthing." "i'm like a satellite in outer space." "did you get your audition?" " my agent is all over it." " right. chuckles" "russmace kornberg, please." "yes, this is russ richards. mm-hmm." "you know, this is getting a little ridiculous." "i've already left, like, five messages." "allright, yourboss, mace kornberg, sawme on tv, okay?" "he iovedme, okay?" "he wants to represent me." "we-- we sat at mypersonaibooth at denny's... for over an hour, and i told him all about myself." "and now for some reason, he's not returning my phone calls." "well, what part ofthat was too long?" "just tell him russ richards called, okay?" "thankyou." "sighs what's happening?" "still not there?" "nah, but, the whole agency is out for the week." " a retreat or something." " what's a retreat?" "oh, i'm not sure, but i think it's a religious thing." " hey, igotgreat news foryou." " oh, yeah?" "yeah. remember my brother's car, the one that was in a wreck?" "for the sake ofexpediency, i am going to say yes." "well, he's fi nally ready to sell it." "it's all pounded out, repainted, and ready to go." "beautiful lime-green fi nish." "looksjust like a popsicle." "now, larr, is there some reason that i should know this?" "just ifyou decide thejag is too much ofan extravagance." "i'm not selling thejag." "i'd sell my body parts to south america before that." "okay. you're the boss." "yeah, i am the boss." "here's another news flash foryou." "i'm not losing the house either." "you know what you laymen fail to realize?" "it's not about the snowmobiles." "come on." "it's about the weather, okay?" "one cold front, a little moist air, and bam!" "i'm rockefeller. i'm on broadway." "i'm doing the cha-cha-cha." "yeah!" "moaning oh, god!" "oh, whip me forever!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "both moaning russ sighs" "boy, whew!" "that is always such a treat." "oh, with dick, it's like having sex with a sloth." "don't put that image in my head." "here. tr thisjust one time." " no." " yeah, it'll help you relax." "i don't even want a contact high." "it makes me nauseous." "you shouldn't even be smoking it." "you're the lotto girl." "you practically work for the state." "put it out." "okay, i'm putting it out." " i have a question to askyou." " yeah?" "ifyou had an agent, and you tried to get him for two weeks, eight times, and he didn't return your call, what would you think?" " um-- - huh?" "i can't relate. i've never had a guy not call me back." "oh!" "i just don't get it." "when i met-- i met this guy, he was-- he was gushing." "he wanted to do this for me, he wanted to do that." "i've had my ass kissed, but this was really special." "so he is officially your agent?" "it's not like you had one meeting." "it's splitting hairs here, you know." "i mean, it was clear he wanted to sign me." "you know what he said to me?" "he said that i delivered the weather forecast with a shakespearean flair." "chuckles was he drunk?" "no, he wasn't drunk." "what's wrong with you?" "look. ifthe guy's not returning your calls, then fi re his ass." "just hire someone else." "what's the biggie?" " do you know who mace kornberg is?" " uh-uh." "do you have any idea of the pedigree of this man?" "here's a little primer for you." "he only hand led gene rayburn at the height of the match game." "wow. all right, so he is kind of a big shot." "yeah, congratulations." "you just won the cutlass." "i wouldn't be caught dead driving a cutlass. i'll trade it in." "well, how about door number two?" "old reliable." "wait." "you're in a ver small, select group of guys." "what is it that makes you successful... and all the others knocking on the doors not so successful?" "well, i'm not so sure. you know, as i travel around the countr, i see on television guys that would make good game show hosts." "but i don't tell them." "no. the analogy is a game show host is the icing on the cake, but the format is the cake." " yeah, format is the cake." " to me, dick clark, for all the things he does, is an outstanding game show host." "hestays out ofthe way." "he lets the format work." "and now, ladies and gentlemen, it's your host, russ richards!" "and now, ladies and gentlemen, it's your host, russ richards!" "tvcontinues, indistinct so, russ, it sounds like we can keep those scarves and mittens... in mothballs a while longer then." "that's what it sounds like, dan." "and the sleds and snowmobiles can stay in the garage." "that is correct, heidi." "i think we all get the point." "dan thanks, russ." "we'ii checkin withyou later." " hello. you have one message." "man uh, yes." "this message is for rob richards." "this is sandy from the gabler-kornberg agency." "i'm sorr no one got back to you, but we were away on a retreat." " apology accepted, sandy." " i wanted to let you know... that mr. kornberg is dead." "he passed away around eight months ago." "i'm sure had he not, he would've returned your call." " oh, jeez!" " he went quickly." " yeah. yep." " bye-bye." " beep - that was your last message." "sighs yep, that was my last message." "rock" "russ, let me get this straight." "you don't drink." "you don't do coke." "you're not a pussy hound." "well, what the fuck did you blow your money on?" "itjust--itjust went, okay?" "does it matter?" "what was that?" "that's carla, the human cannon." " oh, she's good." " she's dutch." " russ, we go way back." " right." "and i like you. i do. i'm a fan." "but 25 grand." "i don't think i can lay my hands on that kind of money." " oh." " especially now." "i'm going through a ver messy divorce." " i'm sure you understand." " sure." "i do now." "okay. take care, gig." "thanks a lot. take care." "hypothetically speaking, it's not like you're without options." "what do you mean?" "well, you do have options." "what are they?" "come. speak up. hello?" "take your glasses off." " hums - well, what is that?" "russ, i assume you have insurance on your dealership." "yeah, so?" "don't you think now would be the appropriate time to, you know, make a few claims on, you know, some ofthose premiums?" "oh, god. oh, jeez!" "are you talking about arson?" "the last thing you want to get involved with, mate, is arson." "well, that's right." "yes, ofcourse not." "the way to beat an insurance company these days is with a phony robber." "oh, god." "scoffs you are veering in that direction." "that makes me ver uncomfortable." "first of-- look. if i weren't, okay, the president ofthe rotar, the vice president ofthe sunshiny day club... and i'm a big brother, gig." "russ, it's your money." "sighs the insurance company is earning interest off it." "the whole "man ofthe people," nice guy thing, it's quaint, but don't you think it's time to put a cap on it, hmm?" "exhales well, how would it work?" "you know, like, you know, hypothetically speaking." "how would, you know, how would it go down?" " well, it's nothing." " no?" "if i were to put it in medical terms... where you would equate brain surger with a bank robber, this would be like a visit to the podiatrist." " hmm." " and itjust so happens... i have an acquaintance named dale who is a specialist in this area." "it's a ver simple procedure, russ." "the whole thing would take..." "40 minutes." "forty?" "wow." "forty minutes, tops." "dale arrives atyourdeaiership on aprearrangednight with his crew." "manit's so easy to biowupyourprobiems" " continues - finds his way inside." "leaves the telltale signs ofa break-in... andgains entrance." "then it'sjust a simple matter ofgetting thesieds out the back." "imean, the actuaiextraction process is the easiest bit." "and, uh, that's that." "all that's left is between you andyourinsurance company." "endofstory. easy aspie." "i, ofcourse, would command the standard 20%% consultation fee." " i fi gured that." " you know, it's up toyou, russ." "i mean, only ifyou're ready for something like this." "that visit to the podiatrist." "well, it's like removing a bunion or something." "an ingrown toenail, at the ver most." "funny. okay. okay." "well, make the call then." "good choice." "i wasin the rightpiace, but it must've been the wrong time i wassaying the right things but imust've usedthe wrong line" " i was on the right trip - all right." "let's do this cocksucker." " continues - all right. let's do it." "i've been runnin ' tryin 'toget hung up in my mind this is so cool. you can just come in here anytime you want." "yeah, i got the keys, don't i?" "all right. this one's for charlie hustle, okay?" "the pricks wanna keep him out of cooperstown?" "i wasin the wrongpiace, but it must've been the right time" " home run." " i wasin the rightpiace it's happening right this second." "senda squadcarnow!" "i wasin the right world, but it seemediike a wrong, wrong" " sirens wailing - come on. move it!" "let mejust askyou one question, yourhonor. where's my bat?" "don't worr about your bat, asshole." "phone ringing ring" " yeah?" " i'm gonna breakyour fuckin' face." " what?" " you better have a bag of money... the fuckin' second they set bail, or i'm telling them who hired me." "i also want an extra ten grand for my pain and suffering." " are we clear, weatherman?" " no, we're not clear." "we're the furthest thing from clear." "i don't even know who you are." "look. a second ago i was asleep." "and two seconds ago, i was in a blueberr field with my mother, and we were getting along really well." "save that foryour psychiatrist." "i want my ten grand." "stop it!" "stop saying that!" " i don't have ten grand." " oh, no?" "you'd better sell something or kill someone. i don't care!" "you just get me my fucking money!" " what-- - dial tone sighs" "okay, russ." "it's gonna be a better day." " womanruss richards!" "hi!" " how are you?" "merry christmas." "okay. mmm." " scoop-a-doop, russ, love." " what are you doing here?" " problem." " what?" "dale the thug's getting a bit pissy about his ten grand." "dale the thug?" "dale the thug?" "that's his nickname?" "when did that happen?" "oh, that's childhood issues." "trust me, you don't wanna know." "he was fi ne for a day or two, but now he's had time to stew, see?" "good morning." "what can i get you?" " can i have coffee?" "with milk." " okay." " do you have those apple pastries?" " wendy." " the pastries with cinnamon swirls." " wendy, he's not staying." " he's leaving, okay?" " okay." "okay. all right." "thanks for asking." "giggiing i cannot be seen with you." "i am a public fi gure." "russ, you don't return my calls." "i'm doing you the favor." "ifthere's a dale the thug issue, time tends to be ofthe essence." "i'm tapped out. the money i got for thejag barely covered his bail." "i am not having this conversation here with you." "th-there's an omelette named after me, for god's sake!" " what's in it?" " you leave that alone!" "just go!" " really?" "really." " i'll follow you. yes!" "hmm. well, i'll-- um, russ, i'iijust be outside then?" " oh, god!" " right?" " let's go." " on top ofeverthing else, they've impounded his baseball bat as evidence." "he bought it at an auction." "pete rose hit with it or some shit." "he shouldn't have used it then." "christ, even a plumber knows... to take his ring off before he snakes the drain." " you screwed up, he got pinched." " i did not screw up!" "i can't control the sexual appetite of my employee." "i mean, either way, you're gonna have to pay for it." "why don't you just do this?" "take--just get it over with." "why don't you just set up an appointment at his convenience... to come break my legs or kick me in the nuts or whatever?" "you know what?" "i ver much doubt it'll be the latter." "that's practically how he treats his friends." "you know, russ, i've been thinking aboutyoursituation, andit occurs to me thatsometimes in life... the greatest opportunities are sitting right underyour nose." "only thing under my nose is this mat with presidents up to carter." " am i missing something?" " the lotter." "oh, that is so stupid!" "you think my playing the lotter is going to solve all my problems?" "not playing the lotter, winning the lotter." "you got that lotto ball machine down at the station, right?" "a little razzle-dazzle, you're set for life." "gig, i just came off a botched phony robber." "let me bask in that a while before i start thinking about tampering... with the fucking state lotter!" "i'm not talking out of my ass here." " i do have experience with this." " really." "yeah. about ten years ago, before i washed up on these golden shores," " i rigged a bingo game at church." " church, huh?" "weighed down a few ping-pong balls, bob's your uncle!" "i walked away with a fucking lawn mower." " oh, a lawn mower. wow." " this is not warandpeace, merely the concept of gravity." "no, no, the concept of gravity... is when you fall down and you breakyour head open." "well, your glass is obviously halfempty." "no, gig, my glass is totally empty." " watch it!" " hateyou!" " calm down!" " bastard!" "calm down." "you're acting like a child." " stop!" "calm down, please." " you promised!" " what do you want me to do?" " what's going on?" "everthing's fi ne. thankyou." "she wanted to go. what do you want me to say? "i'm sorr." "i'm banging the lotto ball girl, and i promised her fi rst."" "i don't believe i bought sandals in december for no reason!" "i'll take you next time. injune, i have a conference in seattle." "take your wife to fucking seattle, all right?" "i wanted to go to maui, you asshole!" "oh, i'm an asshole." "am i the same asshole... that takes you out to dinner and buys you fancy european underwear?" "tr to get that from the weatherman, who i notice you've been awfully chatty with these days." "blow me." " is everthing okay?" " yes, everthing's fi ne!" "mani'm dreamin 'ofa white christmas" "just like the ones iusedto know" "where the treetopsgiisten andchiidren listen to hearsieigh bells in thesnow" "oh, i'm dreamin 'ofa white" " fades - i have to askyou something." " what?" " oh, god. oh, god." "i don't know how to askyou this." "exhales" "just ask." " i wouldn't blame you for saying no." "as a matter offact, i already expect you to say no." "but i need your help on something." "aah!" "we're gonna be millionaires!" "ican't believe this!" "i have to admit, i thought it would be a slightly harder sell." "all right, most important thing... is getting alone with that machine... five minutes before and five minutes after the broadcast." " that's key." " that's askey asit gets." "five minutes before, five after." "did you hear that, crstal?" "i'm two inches away." "how could i not hear it?" "start taking notes, 'cause when gig and i start hashing it out, there's gonna be gold flying around, and i don't want to miss any of it." " the fi rst piece of gold is this." " yeah." "i think someone should call in a bomb scare." "then the buiidinggets evacuated, andi'm alone with the lotto balls." "okay?" "are you writing this down?" " when we decide, i'll write it." " it's good, right?" "russ, um, forgive me.just a second." "you call in a bomb scare, they evacuate the building, and shut down the broadcast." "right, then the firemen will come... and then the policemen will come, so kind ofa lame idea, you know?" "all right.jeez. it'sjust an idea." "it's a work in progress, for god's sake." "even a painter's got to take the brushes and clean 'em." " whatever that means." " any better ideas, smarty-pants?" "why can't i distract bobby somehow, the security guy?" "and then you switch the balls." " no, uh, lame. that's lame. what?" " no, that's brilliant." " yeah?" " it's so simple, it's brilliant." "in its simplicity, russ." "simplicity. that's-  and movin' on." " okay, movin' on." "movin' on, i guess." " next most important thing, right?" " uh-huh." "we need to fi nd your beard?" "what the hell's a "beard"?" "you need someone to buy the ticket and claim the winnings." "but it has to be someone that you absolutely trust." " one beard. check." " time out, folks!" "there's not a person i would trust to do this thing." "not a single person." "ah!" "oh, god!" "oh, god. okay. all right." "i buy the ticket in disguise." "okay?" "and this eliminates all the outsiders." "that's the answer. that's it. okay?" "yeah, yeah." "now we're cooking with gas, huh?" "i mean, how would you disguise yourself?" "what, as charlie chaplin?" "as the tramp orsomething?" "laughing yeah, orno, like, from the wizard of oz." " the straw guy." " the straw man." "yeah, he could put hay in his clothes and wear a hat." " with a pom-pom on it?" " no one will know it's him." " ooh, it's clever." " nobody would everknow!" " no!" "russ." " it's scarecrow from wizard ofoz." " oh, okay." " it's dorothy, the cowardly lion, it's the tin man, it's the dog, it's the flying monkeys... and it's the scarecrow." "ifyou're gonna make fun of me, get your facts straight." "well, my apologies, sir. iam not the cartoon aficionada thatyou are." " it's not a cartoon, crstal." " so what?" " it's a movie." " who gives a shit?" " children-- excuse me." " arguing" " it's a movie!" "for god's sake." " calm down. calm down." " calm-- calm down." " sorr." " please?" " all right. back to square one." "chuckles let's go." "hey, i know." "my cousin walter could do it." " who?" " from ohio." "he would be the perfect beard." "he's this totally straight guy." "he doesn 't even drink, andbesides, he hasa crush on me." "the minute you waikedin thejoint icouidseeyou were a man ofdistinction a reaibig spender" " good-iookin ', so refined - oh. walter." "say wouldn 'tyou like to know what'sgoin 'on in my mind" " i got you balloons. we should go." " thankyou." "so let meget right to thepoint i got you a room at a lovely countr inn." "idon'tpop my cork foreveryguy isee hey, big spender" "spenda little time with me" " oh. it's so green and lush." " russ oh!" "lookat this room!" " russ oh, this is sogreat." " look at this tv, a closet." " god, iookat thepainting." "and this clock with a little light." "it's so-- it's so modern-day." " crystal oh, showercurtain." " oh, waiter, iookat this." "all-you-can-eat buffet." "oh. right up the block!" " wheezing, coughing - and towels all prepared foryou." " how comfy. what do you think?" " yeah, what do you think?" " gasps mold spores." " what?" "this room has a high content of mold spores." " my throat's closin' up." " oh, jeez." " gasping, wheezing - oh." "wheezing continues" " are you all right, walter?" " wheezing mm. tsk." "exhaling, gurgling wheezing oh, jeez." " all clear." " thank god for modern medicine." " yeah." " hey, walter, test the bed." "it's a combination ofthe heat and moisture. that's what does it." "yeah. is it always this sticky in harrisburg in the winter?" "well, you know, it's-- it's a fluke, ofcourse, but it's not entirely uncommon, no." " uh-uh." " w-why's that?" "well, okay, well, historically, weather has been unpredictable." " yeah, well, w-why's that?" " why?" " sniffl ing - weii-- well, okay, yougot... your, uh--yougotyourcoidfronts andyougot... your warm fronts, and then you're talkin' barometric pressure." " well, without my gauges, i-i-- - i love hotels." "walter?" "walter?" "hey!" "walter." " yeah?" " are you clear on what we're doin'?" "how long will it be be-before i get my money?" " oh, well-- - oh. yeah, no." "um, it's real simple, honey." "when we get our fi rst payment, you take your 20,000 right away." " that's yours." " right. tax-free." " we want you to be happy." " oh." "well, i could-- i could really use the money, 'cause m-m-my church needs a new furnace." " oh, well, that is so refreshing." " yeah." "and i'm gonna use the rest to open an adult bookstore." "ah. okay. well, that's good." "that's good too. yeah." "do you masturbate, russ?" "jeez. i've been so busy lately, i barely polish my shoes." " 'cause i masturbate all the time." " oh, yeah?" "yeah. some people think it's a sin, but god gave us the ability to masturbate to protect us from sin." "oh. oh, okay." "yeah. i could-- i could see that." " sure. why not?" " i like sex." " there's a lot ofsex in the bible." " mm-hmm." " i'm sure there's a bible here." " yeah." " yeah, sure." " s-so, we-  we're a team, right?" " yeah, yeah, a team!" " yeah?" " team. chuckling" " chuckling - ooh." "yeah?" "yeah?" " oh, i've got one. let mepick." " no, no, no, no, no!" " please, let me fi nish. okay, 1 6." " i wanna pick one." "sixteen, okay?" "that's how old i was when i fi rst got laid." " really?" " yeah. okay." "twenty-five. okay, twenty-five." "my mother's birthday." "januar 25, 1 91 2. all right." " no, no. this-- no, the 25th was my anniversar, and i got divorced, and i got screwed in that." "i didn't get a good settlement." "seventy." "i had a '70 camaro and got in that accident and got a huge settlement." " oh, yeah. famous whiplash. okay." " remember?" "that's right." "um, i got some randomly selected numbers, okay?" "waiter these are, like, completely random." " okay?" " flick it. make sure air gets-- twenty-two, seventy." "puncture. then you inject a little paint into the ball." " you know, weigh 'em down." " sixteen." "then weput a little glue overthe hole." " nine." " russisn 't this fun?" " twenty-seven." " russit's iikesummercamp." "it's like arts andcrafts." " seven." " russ the six we don't inject." " those are gonna rise to the top." " it's my birthday." "get it?" "okay." "those are the winning numbers." "russ this is the concept ofgravity." "sweet, simple concept of gravity." " here we go. go." " ready?" "yeah!" "whoo!" "gasps oh, my god!" " that's brilliant. brilliant!" " all right. go." "andshe wasn 't gonna sit aroundand wait thisguy was wise to aii ofthe lies andhe flies out the door easy money" "will these warm temperatures continue?" "this is russ richards." "catch me tonight in the weathercenterandfindout." "right here on channei6, wtpa." "okay. ready." "groans" " carhorn blaring - hold on a second. you hear that?" "i have been watching your show-- horn blaring" " woman on tv, indistinct - man on tv but enough about me." "i don't know why. but i'm fi ne." "i just don't know-  make way. give her space." " bobby!" "oh, bobby!" " thank god. yeah." " crstal, you all right?" " i don't know what happened." " come on. give her space." " and i just had the car checked." " oh, that's crazy." " yeah." " lucky you didn't hit your head." " well, who knows?" "maybe i did." " maybe you should see a lawyer." " yeah, that's a good idea." " i know a lawyer." "do you?" "that's great, bobby." "thanks." "let me know ifyou want his name!" "lotteryannouncer tonight'sjackpot is $6.4miiiion!" "ourmachine contains80baiis, and we'iidraw6from the machine." "drawing tonight wiiibe channei6's iotterygiri, crystailatroy." "now, let's start the machine, please." "now, crystal, drawthe first number." "seventy!" "andthesecond." "twenty-two!" "and the third." "seven!" "and now the fourth." "sixteen!" "and the fifth number, please." "nine!" " lotteryannouncer thesixth!" " twenty-seven." "twenty-seven!" "lotter announcer and there you have it." "tonight's pennsylvania lotter numbers: 70, 22, 7, 1 6," "9, 27." "ifyou have it, come andget it." " good girl." " ifnot, betteriucknext time." "back to you, dan!" "announcer that about wrapsit up forthis edition ofnews at five." "enjoy the rest ofyourevening." "we'iiseeyou here tomorrownight." "you can see all the pennsylvania lotterydrawings right here... on wtpa, channei6." "oh!" "my head!" "groans crstal!" "i got you." " i got you. come on, come on." " oh!" "thanks, bobby. good." " no, let's-- please, this way." " no, this way's better." " no. this way!" " all right." " oh, i'm not making any sense." " okay. nice and easy." " i-i don't-- oh!" " nice-- i got you. i got you." " you feelin' better now?" " ugh." "i don't know. yeah." "uh-huh. thanks. i really do." "gasps oh. oh!" "shit!" "shit!" "oh." "god!" "stop it!" "stay in!" "come on!" "get in!" "damn it." "stay in, little mothers. oh, shit." "okay, okay, okay." "okay." "sighs" " hey!" " screams bobby, you scared me." "are you sure you should be drivin'?" "why don't you let me give you a ride home?" "no, i'm fi ne. i'm fi ne now." "yeah. i had a three musketeers." "okay, then. get some sleep." " all right. thanks, sweetie." " you don't want me to driveyou?" "no!" "thankyou, though. you're sweet." "good afternoon, lawrence." "hey, russ." " i've been thinking about you." " big news." "no, i have." "first ofall, this is foryou." "token of my appreciation for how hard you've been working." "and let me tell you something else." "people have been talking about you." " what people?" " let'sget anotherthing straight." "no one is stealing you away from me, because you are-  what are you?" " number one." " that's right." " wow, it's quite an honor." " idon't know what to say." " well, don't say anything." "as ourjewish friends say, "enjoy."" "look, russ, remember i told you about my cousin's stepdad?" "the one with the roadside fun park in colorado, in leadville?" "well, ifyou did, my brain immediately purged it." "well, i gave him a call, and i told him about our situation, and he said he'd buy our whole inventor in one fell swoop." "really?" "well, how much?" "okay, well, here's where we run into a small asterisk." " thirty thousand?" " who is this guy,jessejames?" "i oughta get in a santa claus outfit and give 'em away." "i just thought, you know, ifthe noose starts getting tighter." ""the noose"?" "who am i talking to?" "is this larr, the winner?" "is this larr number one?" "am i talking to the larr that everbody's talking about?" " who's talking about me?" " oh, hey." "hey, hey, good. good idea." " good morning, sweetie. hi." " hi." " so, where is it?" " what?" "the ticket. i'm dying to see it." "well, i have it. don't worr." "i'm not worried." "may i see it, please?" "well, actually, i might hold on to it for a while." " what does that mean?" " well, fi rst ofall, how come i'm only getting $20,000?" "imean, i'm taking all the risk, right?" " walter?" " and, you know... i'm-- i'm the one who's gotta cash it in." "what ifthey fi nd out this was rigged?" " no." " w-w-what ifth-they-- it's like this is a setup or some kind of, like, an ambush." " i could get caught." " that's not gonna happen." "no. shh. sweetie, listen." "you're being really silly." "okay?" "now, we made a deal, and you agreed to it." "so let'sjust move forward as planned, okay?" "no. why-- why can't we split it three ways?" " the weatherman, you, and me." " who the fuck are you?" " i'm doin' all the work." " you're lucky to get a little bit." "well, can we-- i'm family." "go get the fucking ticket!" "now, give me the ticket, you jerk-off!" "get off me!" "you're a whore!" " stop it!" " oh!" "do not fuck with me, you sick, masturbating retard!" "go ahead and rape me." "that's what you want!" "shut up!" "where's the ticket?" " i'm not telling you, slut!" " i want that ticket now!" " i'm telling your parents!" " stop it!" "are you ready for the song "bingo was his name-o"?" " children yeah!" " all right." "there was a farmer had a dog and bingo was his name-o b-i-n-g-o, b-i-n-g-o" " waitergasping - where is it?" "my-- my-- my-- my-- my puffer." " your what?" "stop it!" "what?" " puffer!" "puffer!" "wheezing, coughing my puffer!" "i can't breathe!" " i'll get it. god." " get it. thankyou. thankyou." "is this what you want, your puffer?" "where's the ticket?" "wheezing i'm not telling you." "fine!" "gasping, wheezing" " f-fucky-you." " tv turns on inhaler clicking, expelling mist" " tv these days are ours - walt, look. happy days is on." " happy and free - those happy days" " these days are ours - share them with me good-bye gray skies, hello blue there's nothing can hold me when i hold you feels so right, it can't be wrong rockin' and rollin' all week long" "the people on the bus go yap-yap-yap yap-yap-yap, yap-yap-yap the people on the bus go yap-yap-yap man on tv laverne de fazio andshiriey feeney!" " casablanca." " laverne casablanca." " shit!" " man okay." "screaming, yelling on tv damn it!" "come on. where is it?" "oh!" "goddamn it!" "ugh." "sighs i'm gonna puke." "oh!" "yes. yes!" "yes, yes, yes!" "yes!" "hey, walt, met your girlfriend." "cute." "voice breaking yes, i need an ambulance right away." "my cousin had some kind ofasthma attack." "he's not moving. okay." "i can't believe it. i-i'm in shock." "i thought he had one ofthose inhaler things." " his puffer?" "i couldn't fi nd it." " yeah." " you couldn't fi nd it?" " no, we couldn't fi nd it at fi rst." "and then when we did fi nd it, it was all out ofshit-- ofjuice." " mist?" " yeah, mist. it was out of mist." " mm. know what his last words were?" " what?" " "crstal, my sweet angel." - don't, don't." ""go into my wallet and take the ticket, 'cause you and russ deserve to have that money."" "oh, god!" "oh, fuck me. no fried clams?" " crstal?" "i know, baby." " hmm." "it's insensitive to bring up something at a time like this, but i think we do have a little problem." "what?" "well, with walter gone, we have no one to cash in the ticket." " god rest his soul and everthing." " i wouldn't worr about that." " why?" " i've got plenty of relatives." "in fact, i'll probably see a lot ofthem at walter's funeral." "no. you know, i wouldn't bring them into this." " i mean, they've suffered enough." " woman there's russ richards!" "he's more handsome in person!" " sniffles - it's times like this you wonder." "you wonder ifthere's a higher being out there." " maybe it wasjust walter's time-- - all right!" "key lime pie." "rock" " hello,jerr, mate. how are you?" " gig." " wanna hear a cute stor?" " i would love to hear a cute stor." "you know i got a grandson, six years old." " that's a great age." " yeah. chuckles he says to me the other day, he says," ""pop-pop, when i grow up, i wanna be a bookie and run a numbers racketjust like you."" "ohhh." "i know. i melted." "andthen he asks me, hesays, "pop-pop, when people play the numbers, what number do they tr to win?"" "so i explain to him." "i say, "sweetie, ever week we bookies, we get the number from someplace customers know we can't control."" " and he says, "like sesamestreet?" - lovely that, isn't it?" "it's amazing what these kids come up with, isn't it?" "it's amazing. and i say, "no, no, no, no, not sesamestreet." "we get the number from the lotter drawing on television, the last three digits ofthe real lotto, because everone knows no one can rig the state lotter, which means no one can rig a bookie's number."" " that's right." " and he looks at me." "you know, big long look with these big brown eyes, and he says," ""and i bet no one can win either!" chuckles he's a genius. kid's a genius." "after all, h-how often do i have to pay out?" " once, twice, three times a year." " if." "if. so, moving right along." "next day, guess what." "i had 1 2 people hit the same number." " no shit!" " yeah." "which even a six-year-old kid knows, statistically, it's impossible." "out ofthe realm of possibility." "can't happen." " i don't know what to tell you." " here's the funny thing, though." "when i looked at the people who picked, a pattern started to emerge." " really?" " yeah. your ex-wife." "laughing your ex-wife." "your ex-wife's mother." "her mother's sister." "your dentist." "your cousin vic." "a few other stray crinkly leaves from the family tree." "they all played variations on the same number." " you know,jerr." " hmm." "if it wasn't for the fact that we are dear friends-  we are dear friends, right?" " dear friends." "i would suspect that you are accusing me ofsomething." "ofwhat?" "i mean,jesus christ himself can't rig the state lotter." "thankyou." "unless-- unlessjesus had a buddy down at the tv station." " ahh." " ahh." "nah. chuckles a real stumper, huh?" " yeah, a fuckin' head scratcher." " a fuckin' head scratcher." "fuckin' head scratcher, mate." "you know, i got some pals down at the d.a.'s office." "always looking for a good head scratcher." "now,jerr, you never told me you had a grandson." "i don't." "laughing" "hello, dale, love. how are you?" " what you gonna do tonight, kippy?" " gonna watch sportscenter." "you're gonna watch sportscenter, and you're gonna see ifwinchell is still out with the knee thing." "jerryandifhe's still out with the knee thing, we gotta change the spread on detroit, right?" " right." " so what are you gonna do?" " i'm gonna watch sportscenter." " go home. watch it. go.tonight." " good night." " cardoorsiams, enginestarts" " oh, beautiful. lovely. flat tire." " oh, theshark hassuch teeth" " kippy?" "kippy!" " it shows thempeariy whites" " this isjust lovely." " just ajackknife" " has oidmacheath, babe -just lovely." "andhe keepsit out ofsight" " ah!" " you know when thatshark bite with his teeth babe scarlet biiiows start to spread" "fancygioves, though wears oidmacheath, babe so there's never nevera trace ofred" "nowon thesidewaik, huh, huh ooh sunday morning, uh-huh" "lies a body just oozin 'life, eek andsomeone's sneakin ' 'roundthe corner could thatsomeone be mack the knife" "nine!" "announcer and the sixth." " twenty-seven!" " ooh, twenty-seven." "what the heiiis she up to?" "you're not smart enough to pull a thing like this off." "balls arejust laying there." "hey." " chuckling how are you?" " hey!" "hey, you're that, uh-- you're the, uh-  weatherman." " oh, shit!" " hey, i watch you ever night!" " yeah?" "thankyou." " let me give you a hand with that." " no, it's okay." " i insist!" " i can carr my own groceries." "wow, man!" "it must be great having a job like yours, no?" "well, it, uh, it pays the bills." "nah, you guysjust read a bunch ofcrap from cards, right?" "cold in the east, a storm right." "it looks like rain. aah!" "it's more complicated than that." "let me askyou-- i'm tring to plan my birthday in a couple of months." "can you tell me if it's going to be a nice day?" "oh, right, hey, nice meeting you." "always great to know a fan." "your name was?" " dale." " dale." " yeah." " the thug?" "so, russ, i just want to apologize about the last time we spoke." "i wasn't really feeling good." "i was feeling sort ofvulnerable." "i had fear issues come up, being arrested and all." " oh, yeah." " plus, i was drinking, which i'm really not supposed to do, you know, on the medication." " oh, i see." " can i have some ofthese?" " yeah, go ahead." " you know, it wasn't a good moment." "i just wanted to make an amends." "hey, listen, don't you worr." "the truth is, i should be apologizing to you." "i was gonna call about the $1 0,000, but the station got so busy." "don't worr about the ten grand, russell." " it's water under the bridge." " really?" "wow!" "i didn't know that. all right then." "okay, let's celebrate." "yeah, because the newnumber ihave in mindis about haifa mil." "spits clears throat come here, russ." " i rather not." " russ, come sit down." " no, no." " russ, sit the fuck down!" "okay." "unfortunately, russell, we have a new wrinkle in the situation." "oh, really?" "what's the wrinkle?" "basically i had to play pinata withjerr the bookie's skull." " that ups the invoice a little." " is he okay?" " no, he's dead." " oh!" "oh, god." "you know, okay." "i'm really uncomfortable with this kind ofconversation." "you know, not to mention, i broke my 1 986 world series commemorative bat." " oh, yeah?" " it was a gift from my mother." "she's gettin' a little old, and she's not feeling good these days." " hasn't left the house in 6 weeks." " okay, just give me-- you killed jerr the bookie with a bat?" "it's not like a half mil is gonna hurt you with that lotter ticket." " get me the money, russ." " ohh!" "great, gig." "we gotta talk about this." "i'll fuckin' ball-bat you, you creep cocksucker." "okay, okay." "okay." "coughing" " mint listerine?" " yeah." " when did they come out with this?" " i don't know." " is it good?" " yeah, it's good." "tires screeching" "look,justgive this daie guy a little extra money." " it's better than losing it all." " better than being dead too." "crstal, he hits people with commemorative bats!" "he's not gonna hit you with a bat." "he's your friend." " what?" " wanna see thejacket i got?" "he's not my friend. i just met this guy. how can he be my f-  look-- $900." " sighs made in italy." "i'm not screwing around anymore." "if it wasn't on a boat, i don't want it." "stop buying things from italy." "you are not a millionaire." "we-- we are not millionaires." "the fi rst thing we gotta do is fi nd a reliable, non-asthmatic person... to cash in this ticket a.s.a.p., or we're dead." "funny you should mention that." " i think i have another candidate." " oh, yeah?" "who?" "this guy that i was seeing when i was waitressing at the racetrack." "ithinkhestiii works there too." "a reaisweetguy." "bought me a really expensive parrot, too, from brazil or something." "my cat bit its head off." "you hated that fucking bird, didn't you, sweetie?" "the racetrack, eh." "well, actually, he's an unofficiaiempioyee." "he injects horses with some shit that makes them run faster." "forget it. cross him offthe list." "forget him. who else?" "there is scatter, the guy who installed my carpet." " i went to high school with him." " the man's name is scatter?" "yeah, well, he's a total coke freak, which could work in our favor because he usually needs money." "no, junkies are problematic." "let's keep thinkin'." "mm-hmm." " wanna have sex?" " oh, yeah." "you know, i-- i wasjust feeling good that day." "yeah. i, uh-- i don't know what to say." "i'm at a loss, boy." "i'm at a total loss." "i mean, here you are, supposedly injured, all right?" "you're collecting your lieutenant's salar and full disability." "i didn't even want to do this." "matt had to talk me into it." "you know how stupid i felt?" "the lower back, it's an enigma." "pat, i'm gonna be straight with you." "obviously i have alternatives to pursue, but i'm not gonna... because-- 'cause i don't want this getting out." "all right?" "it makes everbody look bad." "but from now on, you are back on full patrol." "here. get started with this." " a missing person's case?" " yeah, a bookie." "jerr green." "no one's seen him for about a week." "huh.jeez." " what happened to him?" " idon't know, pat." "that's what you're supposed to fi nd out." "right. all right." "we talked earlier about the fact there's a shortage ofwading pools." "dick?" "judy said you wanted to see me." "oh, hey, sport. have a seat." "be right with you." " chuckiing - is that chuck rhodes?" "this guy kills me." " i found crstal too." " hiya, kid.judy, close the door." " okay." " thanks." " what's going on?" " laughing tv.: off" " so, russ, how's the fi nances?" " what?" " what?" " the fi nances." " w-- great." " good." " you seemed in a bind last time." " well, that was then." "terrific. and how are you, honey?" "we haven't talked in a while." " did you know may left me?" "jeez, i'm so sorr about that." " life's tough." " and how." " but you seem to be doing well." " i'm great." " but you seem to be doing well." " i'm great." "why wouldn't you be great, with a friend like russ here?" " yeah. look at that, huh?" " oh, jeez." "oh, boy." "how 'bout that?" "don't say a word, not one." "'cause if i hear one comment like, "what are you talking about?"..." " i'm gonna call the cops." " what?" "wh-what doyou mean?" "it siippedout." "we're iistening. go ahead." "i chewed on it for three days, and i'm convinced i have evidence to fuckyou both up big time." "bull. you don't have any evidence." "what is that?" " stop it. shut up. youshut up." " youshut up." "shut up!" "no. that's bullshit." "dick, you have the floor." "you have the floor." " go ahead." " short and sweet." "i want halfthe money, ori'iihaveyou arrested, and imight even do it on air, live." " imagine the ratings." " i'd like to see you tr, asshole." " you're gonna see me." " i'll kill you, i swear to god!" " i'm gonna kill you!" " you treacherous little bitch!" "you got one week to get your shit together." " you listening?" "i want the money." " doorsiams okay. okay." "okay, let's do a little math." "you want 20 percent, dale wants haifa million, and dick wants halfofeverthing." "i don't have a calculator, but it seems i'm in debt again!" "dale's money comes out ofyour share. he's your friend." " not my friend. he's his friend." " i hardly know the man." "who cares?" "it's all fuckin' moot now." "the only thing that's moot to me is the dicksimmonsissue." "you get a toothache, you pull the tooth." "what does that mean?" " let's kill the son ofa bitch." " oh, god!" " crystal yes!" " no!" "one call to dale, we're back on track." "absolutely!" "let's do it." "what is wrong with you?" "he threatened us." "just remember that." " it is extortion." " does that mean he's gotta be dead?" " we're not giving him our money." " what money?" "that worthless scrap ofshit?" "yeah, okay." "maybe it's time foryour friend, the drug-addicted carpet installer." " oh, scatter." " scatter!" "yeah!" "he could help." "this is killing me. i have slept five hours this whole week." " oh, god, here we go." " i have dandruff with big flakes." "i've gained two pounds!" "listen to my voice." "i'm losing my instrument." "shouting isn't helping." " womanhey, gig?" " yeah?" "there's a couple ofcops in the club asking foryou." " i'iibe right in." " oh, great!" "cops in the club. i've always wanted to give an inmate fame." "they kill the celebrities fi rst, and then they fuck 'em in the butt." "will you just relax, please?" "there are cops always in this club." "they'reprobabiyjust arranging an engagementparty orsomething." "just hold on a tick." " yeah." "stereo toe to toe dancing veryciose" "body breathing - gig goodevening, officers." " what can i do foryou?" " are you the owner?" "yes, i am. gig." "gig, doyou knowaguy by the name ofjerry green?" "he apparently is known to come in here." "yeah,jerr the bookie." "comes in here all the time." "has he been in here lately, because, i mean, nobody's seen this guy around for a while." "ah... about a week ago, i think." "huh." "back to back sacroiiiac" "spineiess movement" " anda wiidattack - you wanna get back to this?" " maybe ask another question or two?" " yeah, yeah." "where...do you fi nd girls like that?" "i mean, who'd do that kind ofstuff?" "well, you know, it's remarkably easy." "you'dbesurprised." "these two, i believe, we imported from upstate new york." "i was gonna say, they seem like...albany girls." "uh, so, anyway, wejust wantedto drop by... and fi nd out ifyou've seen this guy." "well, i'll let you know." "although, withjerr, he could be shacked up anywhere." "he's a bookie, for christ's sake." "it was nothing. nothing." "the word "lotto" never even came up." " see, mr. crazy man?" " thank god!" " they were checking onjerr." " they asked aboutjerr?" " yeah, yeah. it wasjust routine." " not routine." "it's called a murder investigation." "no, trust me." "dale took care ofeverthing." "they'll fi nd a cure for cancer before they fi nd jerr." "maieannouncerlive from harrisburg andnews centersix." "covering harrisburg, new york, lancasterandlebanon, it's news at five with dan shuff, heidizimmer... and russ richards with the weather." "this is news at five." "our top stor tonight:" "the body ofa local bookmaker was found floating in the river today." "police say it was foul play and are following leads." "more on that stor in a moment." "first, let's check in with the weather center... to see ifwe can expect more of these spring-like temperatures." "russ?" "russ?" "oh, yeah?" " how about these temperatures?" " what?" "the uncommonly warm weather-- will it continue?" " russ?" " russ?" "uh, um, wh-what was that question?" "thanks, russ." "well, it seems like we can keep those thermal socks in the closet... for the time being then." "that's right, dan." "police are calling it... the crudest attempt to dispose ofa body in recent memor." "jerr green of linglestown... was apparently bludgeoned to death... and then dropped into the river with a brick taped to one wrist." "this was insufficient weight to keep the corpse submerged." "sighs what time did they pull this bookie out ofthe river?" "scotty told me around 6:00." "ted told me 8:00." "it's like a fucking guessing game." "they pulled him at 6:00 and bagged him at 8:00." "was he nude?" "somebody said he had a t-shirt on." "why don't you get offyour ass and check the reports, man?" "i'm goin' with nude." "i'm so glad this thing is fi nally over." "what does that mean?" "we don't have to look for this guy anymore." "gee, wouldn 't it begreat ifwe foundout who kiiiedhim?" "i realize that entails more work, but i'm just thinkin' out loud." "hasit everoccurredtoyou, chambers, that he wasdrunk... and hejust slipped off the bridge?" "hmm?" "a little thing caiiedan accident." "why is everbody around here so foul-play happy?" "the man was bludgeoned to death, lakewood!" "his skull was bashed in, he had a plastic bag over his head... and duct tape around his neck." "keep going." "man on tv you're in a verysmall, seiectgroup ofguys." "what is it that makesyousuccessfui... andaii the others knocking on the doors notso successful?" "man 2i'm notso sure." "asitravei, isee teievisionguys who wouidmakegoodgameshowhosts." " but idon't tell 'em." " laughter to me, agameshowhost is the icing on the cake." "but the format is the cake." "no one-- man talking i'iiioveyou till the day idle." "yes!" "and again." "manat2.:5 that afternoon, ohnny ciay-- tvcontinues, faint" " he's expecting me." " come in." "i don't know why i did it." "it all unraveled and then one thing happened after another." "esus. i'm stiiiin shock, boss." "i'm in so much trouble, larr." "no man becomes wise without stepping on the soil offools." "right. right!" "but i never claimed to be a-- that's good. where did you get that?" "is that from the bible?" "it's from this play i wrote in eighth grade about evel knievel." " oh." " what are you gonna do?" "well, i have a plan, i do." "but i need money. i need it fast." "i was thinking about that guy who wanted the snowmobiles." " yeah." " you think he's still interested?" "yeah, i think so, but you'd have to fi nd some way to deliver 'em." "set it up. set...it...up." " dick $1 00,000?" " that's right." "you wanna sell me a lotto ticket worth $6.4 million for $1 00,000?" "correct. i want out." "however, this is a one-time-only offer, dick." "i want the money, i want it tonight at the station." "if i hear any excuses, any bullshit like, "i can only get part of it"... or "i need more time," the deal is off." " be reasonable. it'll take days-- - deal's off." " i'll get it, i'll get it." " good decision." "russ now, i believe that i have solved all ofour problems." "crstal what centur is this guy in?" "put a motor on it,jake!" "ayear and a half behind this freak." "one, i found a buyer for the snowmobiles, a guy in colorado." "i'm renting a trailer, andi'm gonna deiiverthem myself." " but why colorado?" " but, uh, uh!" "number two: the lotto ticket." "i sold it to dick." " hundredgrand. it's hisprobiem." " i don't think so." "numberthree, which isprobabiy the most important ofaii, i'm leaving tonight forgood." "now, questions?" "tires screech you fucked up the whole thing!" "you screwed it all up!" " stop it!" " you brain-damaged fool!" "god, and i picked out a car and everthing!" "hey, now listen." "if i didn't do this, we'd be in jail or at the river bottom..." " with bricks taped to our wrists." " groans" " and you know it." " oh, my god. you're so stupid." " oh!" " oh, crstal." " we are under surveillance." " oh, yeah?" "yes. last night i stopped by a convenience store." "a cop pulled in behind me, he got out, he followed me in... and then he pretended to get a cup ofcoffee!" "did he pretend to get a doughnut?" " oh, you know-- - you are nuts!" " you need to see a psychiatrist." " oh, i'm nuts?" " you can't handle this!" " what about this little puppy?" "there's enough mist in this thing to save ten masturbators!" "rock ain 't no big thing to wait-  that's an ugly turn ofevents." " mm-hmm." " mmm!" "what is this?" " continues, faint schnapps?" "what, am i in third grade?" " can i have a drink, please?" " let's talk this through, shall we?" "you're saying that russ, in his infi nite wisdom," " yeah." " sold the ticket for a 1 00 grand." "can you believe it?" "a $6 million ticket!" " i've got more brains in my...shoe!" " glass shatters russ never really had the stomach for this sort ofthing, did he?" "i do, and i want that ticket back, and i want dick simmons dead!" "doyou hearme?" "fine. fine." "speed dial. i love it." "and i want his head cut off so i can hang it from my rearview mirror!" " that'sjust your anger talking." " yeah." "dale. dale, it's gig." " his machine." " oh." "um, see, things have got a little bit sticky over here." "slight change of plans, nothing that your deft touch couldn't rectify." "so either swing by or call back." "that'd be marvelous." " thankyou." " great." " slight snag though." " what?" "well, daie-- bless him-- hasbeen doing favorafterfavorforus." "if it's not one thing, it's the other. so-  so what's your point?" " sighs if he's gets the ticket back for us, we'll have to give him more money." " no. no way. n-o." " that would only be fair." "there is a limit to my classiness." " uite obviously." " shut up!" "i'll handle this." "you just leave dale out of it." "bunch of morons." "i have to do everthing myself!" " hi." " well, well, well. look who it is." "an old face from the past." "what's on your mind, gorgeous?" " oh, just wanted to say hello." " really?" "that's sweet." "'cause the last time we chatted, i believe you threatened to kill me." "gee, has something changed since then?" "you really did outsmart us, didn't you?" "screwed us royally." " i'm impressed, dick." " i'm like a lion that way." "i hide in the weeds, bide my time, then i jump out and tear the ass off some dumb buffalo." "ooh. so, mr. lion, how are you gonna cash in that ticket?" "i'll think ofsomething." "don't lose any sleep over it." "believe me, honey, i sleep like a baby, 'cause the second you tr to cash in that little fucker, i'm going to the iotterycommission andteii them everything." "ifyou did that, i'dratyou out quickerthan a frog canpiss." "mmm." " what do you want?" " halfsies." "half." "have you been exercising?" "'cause you look great." "deal." "nothing like rekindling an old friendship." "hey, that's him. wagstaff." " wagstaff?" " yes, wagstaff." "are you sure?" "light hair, 6'2' lives here." "you needanything else?" " does he have a record?" " youshouidreadthe report." "wagstaffwas overheardbragging about the bookie's murdering a bar." "oh, what ajerk." "you know what would be unfortunate?" "ifwe got into that whole let's-follow-him rigmarole." " tires screeching - oh, perfect." "grunting oh, man!" "it's getting cold out, huh?" "i never realized how hea these were." "k.c.-inducted engines, twin carbs." "just touch that throttle and boom!" "it's like gettin' a chick off." " that wasn't your sales pitch." " oh, yeah." "you actually said that to people?" "well, you know, just, like, biker types." "huh." "hey, russ." "checkit out." "i don't believe it." "i thought you called for partly cloudy and pleasant tonight." "a backdoor cold front." " a what?" " a backdoor cold front. rare." "almost impossible to predict." "the atmosphere-- a beautiful yet fickle beast she is." "is that from the evel knievel play?" "yup." "sighs" "engine backfi res backfires" "chambers where in the heiiis hegoing?" "beats me." "he's defi nitely up to something." "defi nitely." "we should caiiforbackup." "you know, it neverhurts." "you know, backup, it's like an old friend." "it's like an old sweatshirt you slip into on a cold night." "are you listening, chambers?" "get your head out ofthe clouds!" " hey." " moans hey, wake up." "come on. wake up." " fuck it." " crstal screams" " what?" " wake the fuck up!" " what is this?" " what do you want?" " you know what i want." " my wallet. take the $50 out." "and don't hurt me!" "i'm just sleeping over." " where's the ticket?" " what ticket?" " gig sent you?" " the tooth fair sent me, twiggy." " who do you think?" " hey, please leave." "don't fuckin' play games with me." "i'm hopped up on wine coolers and antidepressants. i don't feel good." " where is it?" " i don't know." " you don't know?" " no, i don't know." " do you like baseball?" " what?" " do you like baseball?" " yes." " who'syourfavoritepiayer?" " ted williams." "ted williams. he had some swing." "it was sort of like this." "both screaming no, hey, hey. hold on." "just take it easy." "i'm gonna call for backup." " i'm gonna go around the back." " no, you're in cowboy mode." "stop that!" "wait forbackup." "oh, shit. shit." "shit!" " we speaking the same language?" " i'm gonna give him the ticket." "it's not worth it." "life's too precious." "good girl. that's all i ask for, a little cooperation." " here's cooperation, you shit!" " aaah!" "ooh!" " oh!" " aah!" "aah." " doorsiams - police!" "freeze!" "don't shoot!" "no, no!" "there's a raving crazy guy up there!" "just go kill him." "aah!" "ohh!" "lakewood, i'm hit!" " huh?" "say what?" " don't let him through!" "aah!" "crystaisomebody!" "get me a fucking robe!" " isn 't it ironic?" " yeah, ironic." "ust another wordforsaying you're getting screwed." "butso what, right?" "it's all overnowanyway." "in a while, bim-bam-boom, i've got this town in the rearview mirror." " hey, take me with you, boss." " what?" " yeah, a little colorado road trip." " no, no, larr." "come on. let me go." "i'm practically a fugitive." "i can't take you with me." "well, russ, today, yeah, i'm an authorized yamaha sales associate, but tomorrow i'm just another guy... boxing peanut butter cups at hershey." "come on, russ." "i have faith in you, man." "you would just drop everthing to come with me?" "yeah, let the word go forth-- the russ richards freight train is about to leave the station." "new horizons, new conquests." " ready to kick some new ass." " bob barker, watch out." "russ richards is headin' west." "now let's see what's behind door number three. whoo-hoo!" "you brought me fame andfortune andeverything thatgoes with it ithankyou all" " come on." " this willbe no bedofroses all right, i'll take the fi rst eight hours." " ever driven one ofthese things?" " nope." "iconsiderit a challenge before the human race andineveriose all right. here we go." "hey. yeah, baby." "laughing we are the champions my friends" "and we'iikeep on fighting till the end damn the torpedoes!" "full speed ahead!" " whoo!" " we are the champions we are the champions no time foriosers 'cause we are the champions" " so far, so good. let's go." " gearshifts" "loudcrashing i'm not gonna look." " i think that's a good idea." " yup." "chattering" " easy, easy." " i got it." "let'sget him up." " dick, where's the ticket?" " moans" " answer me." " he can't. he's been sedated." "why did you do that?" "oh!" "fuck." "here." "oh." " thankyou." " that was ver brave tonight." " yeah." " he was an animal." "no shit, the fucking creep." "oops. excuse my french." "um, can i give you a lift... to the hospital?" "why?" "i'm fi ne." "no, i meant, to be with mr. simmons." "oh, right. yeah." "it's kinda late, and i have a lot to do in the morning, early." " stuff." " mm-hmm." "well, we might need some more information, and, uh, uh, i might call you." "i'm available." " fantastic." " okay. can i go now?" " sure." " thankyou." "man get him out ofhere." "hey, chambers." "all right, hang on just a second." "loudly how you feeling, partner?" "i'd feel a lot better if i could get to the hospital. make this quick." "we're all gonna pull you through this, all right?" "positive attitude-- that's everthing." "hey, pal, he got shot in the leg." "i think he'll be fi ne." "let's hope so. be careful with him!" "larr what are you doing?" "i'm tring to disconnect this so we can get out of here." "radio buzzes female dispatcher base to carsix." "groans what?" "got ajackknifedtractor-traiier at route22 in devonshire." " you're about a mile away." " sighs great. now i got another 20,000 forms to fi ll out." "grunting why do they make these things out of metal?" "uh, i think it's twisted." "no, it's coming. it's coming!" " oh, i don't know, russ." " it's coming!" "shit!" "fuck!" "why-- why the hell is it snowing now?" "why the fuck is it snowing now?" "fuck!" "fuck!" " siren wailing - uh-oh." "don't say a word without a lawyer, even ifthey beat you." " stay strong." " not tonight. nobody's beating me." "you get out of here." "i don't want you mixed up in this." " if i go tojail, i'm goin' alone." " wait!" "your money's in your briefcase!" "don't do it!" "don't take that sled." "it's a piece ofshit." "take the 4-40!" "excellent power-to-weight ratio." " what?" " two-year unlimited warranty!" " an onboard toolkit!" " okay!" "fine!" "this beauty is built foryou!" " hand warmers, halogen lights!" " shut your trap. i got it!" "no!" "pull the choke." "the lines are dr." " no, don't flood it." " you said pull the choke." "finesse. like getting a chick off." "we went over this!" " engine rewing - all right, you fellas." "it looks like you're in need ofsome assistance." " get back!" " huh?" " back off!" " huh?" "isaidback off, motherfucker!" "hey. hey!" "ho!" "oh, man!" "give me the case." "whoo!" "hoo-hoo!" "whoa!" "hail yamaha." "ah,jesus christ!" "this night never ends." "grunts siren wailing" "let me loose, ijustgot back" " i waspushedandigot dragged - okay, kids!" "now it's time to play the snowmobile game, with your host, russ richards!" "destination anywhere so fargone, i'm almost there can'tyousee, ican't deny i'm outta here like i'm on fire livin 'like an animal, criminal television newsman so subliminal bringing down the walls ofwonderiand ohh!" "just anotherhighbrowcowboy tellin 'me everything andeveryone andaii the things ioughta be" " here iamyourdemoiition man - oh, jeez!" "aaah!" "womanruss?" "russ." " russ." " no." " russ." " no." " russ!" " oh, my god." "how you feelin'?" " yougotpretty bangedup there." " that's beautiful." "we fi gured you'd be up in a minute." "you were singing "my way."" "you are so funny. you're as funny in a coma as you are on tv." " i can't believe i'm alive." " one more." "you get it?" "okay, you have a visitor outside." "i'm gonna get your dinner, and i'll be back in a minute, okay?" " okay. bye." " yeah?" " okay, bye-bye." " bye." " officer, please don't upset him." " i'm not gonna upset him." "you're in big trouble, mister." " no. oh, god." " yup." " you're gonna have to pay for it." " i told them, officer." "i said it was stupid at the start, but nobody listened to me." "that's good. remorse. nice candy." "'cause, for starters, we're looking at three big ones." "oh, god!" "three big-- three years?" "three hundred dollars." "what?" "for the windshield." "plus, there's this little baby right here." "you'll have to put that together with tape, but it still counts." " this-- this is a ticket." " yeah." "for operating a class-two vehicle without a license. weight class two." "can't this wait?" "mr. richards is suffering from a concussion." " we're talking." " there's nothin' on it." "my pen ran out of ink." "officer, ireaiiy must insist." "from doing paperwork all night, between you and saving your boss." " my boss?" " dick simmons." " he's right down the hall here." " wh-why is he here?" "some thug broke into his house." "broke his legs with a bat." "officer, please." " boom." " was it-- was it dale the thug?" "well, idon't know." "somejerk with apiaidshirt." "but don't worr." "imitating gunfi re i killed him." "oh, jeez, that'sjust-  come on. thankyou." " crowd clamoring back, back, back, back!" " scoot!" "scoot!" " yes!" "stifled chuckling i can't stand it. yes!" "loudciattering what?" "blubbering dick, i'm back." "this is the lightning round." "i'm calling the shots now." " uiet, i'm tring to ski." " look, i got your money." "i'm gonna give it back, but i need the ticket. where's the ticket?" "it's my show-- this is the plan. i'm docking you for being an asshole." "and i'm docking gig for having people killed." "and i'm docking crstal for being a twisted, psycho bitch!" "starting today, i decide where the money goes." "ifanyone doesn't like it, we're all going tojail." " gasps - you give me that ticket." "where is it?" "where is the ticket?" "i-- i gave it to larr king." "uh, no-- got to learn to share your toys!" "dan thesearch is over." "the winnerofiast month's $6.4miiiion iotteryjackpot... hasfinaiiysteppedforward." "she's a waitress at a iocaidenny's right here in harrisburg." "pennsylvania 's newest muitimiiiionaire is wendy fawcett." "thankyou so much!" "i don't know what to say." "i've never won anything before in my life." "woman wendy, what are you gonna do with the money?" "i'm going to put some in savings and some of it in checking." "and the rest i'll be sharing with a good friend." " and who's that?" " i'm not telling you!" "cackling and we're giving a lot of it away to the big brothers, the sunshiny day club, asthma-  mandoyou have asthma?" " no." "but many people out there do." "wendy, how did you pick the numbers you played?" " how did i what?" " how did you choose the numbers?" "oh, i get what you're saying." "okay, i get it, i get it!" "um, wow." "uh, let's see, uh, seventy-- seventy is because... a cheeseburger deluxe with bacon... is 70 cents extra." "and, um, 1 6-- when i was 1 6, i went to a party." "and, uh, nine-- well, nine, we all know, isjust lucky." "oh, man. and, um, seven is-- ihave seven barbies, not including the ones thatgot theirface chewedoff... by the next doorneighbor's dog, who'sjustsuch agreat dog." "russ narrating there it is-- a storyto teiiyourgrandchiidren." "well, maybe not." "dicksimmons wasfiredfrom wtpa... aftercaiiing the network head "the luckiest asshole on earth. "" "he nowteaches communications at pocono community college." "ethics." "crystaimarriedanddivorced a sickly 80-year-oidmiiiionaire... andsuedhim forhaifhis money." "she testifiedhe wasa svengaii, a wordshe mispronounced throughout the trial." "he was like-- like this "svenjelly."" "russshe lost the case." "you're making my dreams come true she works at gig's five nights a week." "no covercharge, free buffalo wings with coupon." "thirty-nine!" "gig bought an obscure stock caiiedmicrosoft in 990." "he nowdivides his time between harrisburg andhis estate in monaco." "listen to this i've done aiimy daydreaming ' oh, thatsieep walk shouidbe overby now asforme, imovedto st. augustine, florida, where it hasn 't snowedin 50years." " engine starts - andyou know what?" "iauditioned, andi wasback on tv." "maieannouncerandnowit's time topiay north florida cable's... second-mostpopuiargameshow, lucky numbers, withyourhost, russ richards." " hey!" "how are ya?" " audience cheering thankyou. thankyou so much." "hey. what a great-looking audience." "my goodness, i'd love to take you home with me tonight." "how 'bout it?" "tonight, after the show?" "dinnerfor250?" "okay." "i'll make the margaritas." "all right, now... narrating you know, sometimes i waikpast an appiiancestore... with 45 tvsets in the window, andi'm on everyone of'em." "at times like that, isay to myself, "why me?"" "imean, "why me?"" "ifihadto answerthe question, i'dhave to say, 'just lucky. "" "you're making my dreams come true doo-ooh, doo-doo, doo-doo" "nights were warm dreams were easy no onestandin ' overhead conversation didn 't mean much we were hungry but we couldnot be fed radio blastin ' silly little love songs we only iistenedforthe beat taking 'ourchances out there on the mean streets" "hiding in theshadows from the heat" "from the heat we weren't lovers just brave strangers as we fought and we tumbled through the night we werepiayers not arrangers and wejammed till the dawn 's early light swimming in the big lake taking it easy taking any comfort we couidfind" "didn 't needthe reaitruth didn 't needthe meaning straight ahead ignoring everysign" "everysign" "and, oh, iremember iknowyou do too" "oh, that one evening iknowyou do too" "the moon flying 'high chorus the moon flying 'high" " andyou tookmy hand - ooh ooh-ooh you tookmy hand ooh-ooh andit went allright" "it went allright it went allright it went allright" "oh so we waikedout hardiyspeaking disappearing in the night saweach other a fewtimes after but we neverreaiiygot it right" "we weren't lovers just brave strangers as we roiiedand we tumbled through the night" "we werepiayers not arrangers and wejammed till the dawn 's early light" " just brave strangers - early light" " just brave strangers - whoa-oh whoa-oh" "whoa-oh whoa-oh-oh whoa-oh yeah" "woman ican't wait togo to heaven before iget my big reward ifi'm goodicouid that's what they teiime i've been workin 'for" "when iprove that ican do it that's when i'iiget my big reward keep that big wheeiturnin ' andmy number will come up forsure i'm gonnaget my big reward wannaget my big reward wanna have it aiisewn up before i'm aiigrown up" "gonnaget my big reward gonnaget my big reward gonnaget my big reward right now" "nevermindthe odds against us i won't give up my big reward we have to take ourchances we got apian and we can make a score i'm gonnaget my big reward wannaget my big reward wanna have it aiisewn up" "before i'm aiigrown up gonnaget my big reward gonnaget my big reward right now"