"* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like *" "* A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one *" "* Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute *" "* You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try, try To separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try And you will only come *" "* To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "GAME SHOW HOST:" "And for $100, name the chief export of the United States." "Wheat." "WOMAN:" "Machinery." "Machinery is correct." "Now, which state produced the most U.S. presidents?" "Illinois." "Virginia." "Virginia is correct." "Which side of the brain controls analytical thinking?" "The right." "The left." "The left is correct!" "And we'll be right back after this brief commercial message." "MAN:" "Hey, America." "Who do you call when you don't want to cook?" "Ahab's." "Ahab's is correct." "Yes." "Ahab's for fish and fowl." "Yes, opening soon in an economically depressed area near you." "[CAR APPROACHING]" "Daddy's home." "Come on." "Hi, honey." "How was your day at the shoe store?" "I'll tell you something, Peg." "Feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly combination." "Well, you knew that going in, Al." "Yeah." "My back is so tight." "I wish I had somebody to rub it." "Like a wife." "Hey, there's one now!" "How about my back?" "You know, Al, I work hard all day too." "Yeah?" "Doing what?" "Ahh!" "Ohh, that feels good." "How good?" "Where are the kids?" "Upstairs." "What if they come down?" "I'll take care of that." "Bud, Kelly!" "You want to come down and help me in the kitchen?" "[DOORS SLAM]" "There." "That should buy us about 10 minutes." "Seven more than we'll need." "Where were we?" "We're here, Bundy!" "Bundy, Bundy, don't you know you shouldn't leave your door unlocked?" "It's an invitation to intruders." "What are they doing here?" "They're the neighborhood watch." "I invited them." "To watch this?" "!" "Uh, hi, Peggy." "Al." "I hope we're not interrupting anything." "Nah." "Just gonna have a little sex with the wife." "What the heck." "There's always next month." "Our house was robbed this afternoon." "Gee, that's too bad." "You wanna hand me my shirt?" "What did they steal?" "Mostly small stuff." "Our radio, Marcie's earrings, our cameras, our answering machine." "God only knows who called." "Well, at least they didn't take anything valuable." "Yeah, this time." "But I know how these vermin think." "They take your little crap, then come back later with a truck for your big crap." "Not gonna happen in my house." "I'm ready for them." "I got 50,000 volts going through my window bars." "I got a bucket of battery acid hanging over the back door and I got a .30-aught-6" "rigged to the front doorknob." "How do you get into your house?" "Wouldn't you like to know?" "Now, the question before us is:" "What are we gonna do about it?" "I say we hunt the scum down, and then we run them over with our cars." "Then we get out these fishhooks" "Marcie!" "I'm sorry." "I don't know what came over me." "It's just that I feel violated." "Someone's been in my home, in my bedroom." "I feel so helpless." "We'd all feel helpless in your bedroom, Marce." "You got any more beer?" "No." "And in all the excitement, I forgot to ask" "Why are you meeting in my house?" "Because our wives didn't want you in ours." "Hi." "Did I miss anything?" "You want me back on my wife?" "Not on my account." "I just wanted to say I'm sorry you got robbed." "It wasn't me." "It was them!" "Yeah, it was you." "Somebody smashed your car windshield, stole your radio, and wrote "wash me" on your hood." "My car!" "They stole my radio?" "Hey, Bundy." "The thieves have a point." "You really ought to wash your car." "Get out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Pretend there's a keg on the lawn." "Out!" "Out!" "I can't believe they stole my radio right in front of my house!" "I know how you feel." "If you did, Steve, you wouldn't be touching me." "Maybe we should get more involved with the neighborhood watch." "Look." "You can't depend on anybody but yourself." "I've put this off long enough." "I'm buying a gun." "A gun is not the answer." "You can't curtail the criminal element by sinking to their level." "Oh, excuse me, Miss Let's-run-them-over and-get-out the-fishhooks." "I was upset." "I wasn't thinking clearly." "Yes." "She wasn't using the left, or analytical, portion of the brain." "I'm definitely getting a gun." "And I'd advise you to do the same." "Now, come on." "There's got to be a more humane way to protect our home and possessions." "There is." "We'll get a dog." "A good watch dog." "A dog." "That's a great idea." "I've got a dog." "Buck, look!" "Strangers in the house!" "Kill them, Buck." "Go kill them!" "Whoa, big fella." "I don't mean a stupid dog." "I'm talking about a real dog." "A guard dog." "A Doberman." "Steve, first thing tomorrow, we're going to one of those deadly doggy places." "Yes, Al, because we're against guns and the violence they stand for." "That's right." "A dog." "A vicious dog with sharp teeth that will go through a jugular like a hot knife cutting through butter on a warm, summer night" "Come along, dear." "So that the next guy who tries to get in my bedroom uninvited will walk out on bloody stumps." "[DOG BARKS]" "When was the last time you called to complain about the dog?" "Yesterday." "But Marcie said to stop calling." "She said the ringing makes him bark." "Everything makes him bark." "Hey, Dad, it's been two weeks, and you haven't even let me see the gun yet, let alone pick off a pigeon or two." "Bud, guns are not toys." "They are lethal weapons and should only be handled by responsible adults." "When Dad was practicing his quick draws at the TV during Donahue" "Bud, number one, shut up." "Number two, it was Phil's salute to the Huge and Fat Women's Caucus." "Number three, there were no bullets in the gun." "Your mother took them out and hid them for safety reasons, and she won't tell me where." "Guns, guns, guns." "Can't anyone talk about me for a change?" "Okay, Kelly." "Where were you last night?" "So, Dad, what kind of gun did you buy?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "[DOG BARKS]" "Coming!" "Hi, Peg." "Borrow a cup of kibble?" "We ran out, and the dog's still hungry." "What's the matter?" "The neighbor's cat didn't fill him up?" "That cat was taunting him, Al." "Gee, you two look cute." "I can't get Al to dress unisex at all." "This is protective gear." "You see, Bella still hasn't accepted us as his rightful owners." "You named that dog after Bela Lugosi?" "No." "Abzug." "We thought it was kind of cute." "But he won't wear the hat." "Oh, listen Al, by the way, we want to apologize about your fence." "What happened to my fence?" "Bella ate through it." "Wow!" "It was just a little piece." "Yeah, not much, really." "About the size of a human face." "Rhoades, what are we going to do about this?" "Look, we'll handle this the same way we dealt with the cat incident." "Get estimates, and we'll make it good." "Look, we know Bella can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector." "Gee, Mom, that's just what you say about Dad." "Mount up!" "They just hit the Johnsons." "TV and major appliances." "We're meeting at the Bowl and Brew to calm ourselves down." "Ha!" "See that!" "They didn't hit our place." "That's what a good dog will do for you." "Come on." "Grab the meal and the mace." "It's time to feed our doggy." "[SNORING]" "[GLASS BREAKS]" "[SNORING]" "Peg, did you hear that?" "How could I hear anything the way you snore?" "[THUMP]" "What was that?" "I don't know." "[GLASS BREAKS]" "Don't worry." "I'll go check." "No, Al!" "Call the police." "For noise?" "It might be a burglar." "Call the police." "I can't." "Kelly's on the phone." "What are you doing?" "Getting my gun." "You gonna tell me where you hid the bullets, or are you gonna wait till the kids see our pictures in the paper?" "Come on, Al." "I had to hide the bullets so Bud wouldn't find them." "Where are they?" "They're in the finger holes of your new bowling ball." "Oh, this is real easy, Peg." "This is much better than keeping them handy." "Even an axe-wielding maniac deserves an even break." "Hurry, Al!" "Where's Buck?" "Shouldn't he be barking?" "I don't know." "You shiftless, worthless, dirty..." "Peg, stay at the top of the stairs." "If anything happens, get the kids, lock yourself in a room." "And if Kelly's off the phone, call the police." "[RUSTLING]" "It's coming from the patio." "Oh, be careful." "I will." "Aah!" "Okay, creep!" "I see you!" "Freeze, or I'll shoot!" "[GUNSHOT]" "Oh, my God!" "Al!" "Al!" "Oh!" "Al, are you all right?" "Yeah." "What happened out there?" "I just shot Steve and Marcie's dog." "How could you shoot a dog?" "He didn't look like a dog, Peg." "All I seen were these two yellow eyes staring at me from the bushes and I told him to freeze, and then I thought it made a move at me and I panicked." "You couldn't tell the difference between a dog and a human being?" "He was wearing a hat." "Kelly, honey," "I was trying to protect our family." "That's right." "Dad did a good thing." "Can I go out and see the body?" "You're disgusting." "And you're failing five classes." "Hey, hey, kids." "Listen to me." "We can all learn something from this." "What, Dad?" "I don't know." "Go to bed." "Aw, Dad!" "I wouldn't argue with him, Bud." "He's already killed once tonight." "You were very brave, Al." "Aww..." "Wasn't anything that anybody else with the heart of a lion wouldn't have done." "I mean, you should've seen me." "Yeah, I was a little nervous, but I got him right between the eyes, and I'll tell you, there's not a lot of space between those eyes." "It was a nice shot, Al." "You want to go upstairs?" "Yeah." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "You don't suppose that's Steve and Marcie?" "MARCIE:" "Peggy, Al, it's us!" "It's them." "What are you gonna tell them?" "I don't know." "But if they don't bring it up, we don't bring it up." "Hey!" "Steve and Marcie." "What brings you two crazy kids over here?" "We heard a shot." "Peg, look who's here." "It's Steve and Marcie from next door." "They heard a shot, Peg." "Are you going to say anything tonight, Peg?" "Uh...what was that you came over here for?" "We thought we heard a shot, Al." "They thought they heard a shot, Peg." "Did you hear a shot?" "Say something, Peg!" "I think if there had been a shot, their dog would have started barking." "Look, guys, I'm really sorry about that barking." "Oh, hey, forget about that." "Listen, we're friends and neighbors here." "We're not gonna let some stupid dog come between us." "Why isn't Bella barking?" "I haven't heard him in a while." "Al, tell them." "Okay." "See..." "I tell you, I really love you guys." "Do you love me, huh?" "Well...sure, Al." "You know..." "Not really." "Tell them, Al." "I'm not going to tell them anything till they tell me they love me." "What's going on here?" "All right." "Okay." "But you got to promise me that you'll let me finish." "Sure, Al." "I shot your dog." "I'm finished." "Bella!" "Is he..." "Alive?" "Yes." "No." "Where is he?" "He's out in my yard." "You can't miss him." "I didn't." "You stay here." "I'm gonna check on Bella." "You shot my puppy." "Look, I'm sorry." "We had a prowler stalking our yard." "Your dog came to my defense." "The burglar, he took a shot at me, and I fired back and poor Bella got in the way and was killed in the crossfire." "We only heard one shot." "It was a simultaneous exchange." "I don't know." "It happened so fast." "It's all a blur." "You shot my dog in the middle of a bowel movement?" "Steve, is he really dead?" "Yes, dear." "How do you know?" "Number one, he didn't respond to any of my commands." "And number two, his brains are in the begonias." "You killer!" "Anyone for cake or coffee?" "Now, listen." "I said that I was sorry." "Let me make it up to you." "Let me get you another dog." "For what, target practice?" "We told them not to get a gun." "We told you not to get a gun." "But you had to go out and be Mr. Macho." "Now you've taken an innocent life." "Now, wait a second." "This is not a defense, but that dog was anything but innocent." "I mean, he bit you." "He ate a cat." "Given enough time, he'd have robbed a bank." "How much you want for him?" "$1,000." "$1,000 for a dog that just sat there and let me shoot him?" "You want to get off cheap, next time, go plug a squirrel." "All right!" "Forget the money." "You know what I want?" "Yes, I do, and you're too late." "Peg's already got him." "Your gun, Al." "Give me your gun." "All right!" "I want to take it and throw it in the Chicago river, so it'll never hurt anyone again." "Here." "And from now on, we're just neighbors." "Now I know why we got our house so cheap." "Well, that's done." "Where were we?" "We were going upstairs..." "Deadeye." "Well, all done." "Old Bella's on his way to the landfill." "It cost me $20 and a six-pack for the garbage man." "You'd think the dollar I give him at Christmas would be enough." "Yeah." "Oh, by the way," "I washed your killing clothes." "Have a nice day, honey." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi." "Hi, Al." "Uh, listen, uh..." "Some words were said last night, and I just wanted you to know we talked it over, and we understand you didn't do it on purpose." "You didn't do it on purpose, did you, Al?" "Steve, I'm a pet owner myself." "Anyway, we decided to let it go and forgive you." "Thanks, buddy." "So I guess if you'll just give me Bella's body, we can forget about the whole thing." "We want to give him a decent burial you know, in our yard under that big tree where he did his business." "Except, of course, for that last one." "Gee, I don't know what to say, Steve." "Uh..." "Yes, I do." "I can't let you do it." "See, Peg and I talked it over and we realized that since I'm at fault," "I should handle everything." "So let me take care of all the arrangements, huh?" "Well, if it'll make you feel better," "I guess that would be all right." "Marcie will like that." "We'll do it tonight after work." "See you then." "Thanks, big guy." "Oh, uh..." "Listen, uh..." "Can you bury him with this?" "He really loved this bone." "Sure, buddy." "Hey, Peg!" "I'm late for work." "Can I ask you to do me a little favor?" "[HUMMING "AMAZING GRACE"]" "How much for the crate?" "$150." "$150?" "!" "Al, I didn't have time to comparison-shop." "Now I'd like to say a few words about the dearly departed." "As you know," "Bella was more than a dog to Marcie and me." "He was family." "One of us." "Bella will be missed, but his death was not in vain." "He taught us about the value of life and that guns and violence are not the answer to society's ills." "And we can take consolation in the knowledge that while he only lived one year in dog's years, he lived seven in people years." "[WHISPERING] What a great job." "I got to hand it to you." "That box even feels heavy enough to have a dog in it." "What did you put in there anyway?" "Some rocks and your bowling ball." "But knowing that he's... right here... in the back yard, where he was so happy, makes us all feel a little less grief." "[***]"