"Steve." "Yeah, hi, how are you?" "What's fresh today?" " The bread." " Oh, right." "You want a bagel, you want a roll, you want a muffin?" "What d'you want?" "C'mon!" "Well I'll take a bagel, a roll, and a muffin." "Ok, we got all kinds of different kinds, Ben, alright." "You wanna tell me what kind you'd like, please?" "It's gonna take some time to decide." "All right, well, let me just go in the back." "And blow my brains out." "And by then you'll have made your big decision about the..." "Jeez that's a little..." "That's an overreaction." "Yeah I'm sorry, Ben, I just uh..." "I've never seen you like this, Steve." "Yeah, well, I lost the kid and I'm here by myself." "What do you mean you "lost your kid," did you..." "He quit, he walked, he came, he couldn't take it." "He's another kid that's gone." "Kids today have no responsibility." "I can attest to that." "I'd love to pursue that line of thought with you." "But y'know, it's like I gotta do some work here, Ben." "I wish I could help you out in terms of your problem here." "Yeah sure, you wanna grab an apron?" "Does it have the name of the bakery on it?" "No, I mean, you know... to work." "Oh, you're offering me a job." "Yeah!" "That's a mistake, Steve." "I need a guy right away, you don't seem to have a job, you're in here every day anyway." "You're in a desperate situation." "And you're mistaking a good customer for a good employee." "I think you'd be fine, I think you'd be great." "Well, what would I have to do?" "Well, you'd get the bread, put it on the platform, you move it from the platform out to the counter, you go in the back, you put another plate in." "See you already lost me." "That's way too many tasks for me to do in one day." "Ben, y'know I see something in you." "That you only see in a classic baker." "Really?" "Y'know, you're an individualist, you like to go your own way." "That's true." "You fit the profile." "Well, I don't know the first thing about baking or..." "I can teach you everything." "And I've been looking for a real apprentice, somebody who really is willing to come in here." "With a little bit of potential, a little bit of energy." "I really think that you got a shot." "Wow, that's an inspirational speech, but no!" "So, Dr. Katz," "I'm sitting on the couch, my dog's licking himself," "I'm masturbating..." "We catch each other's eyes, we both start laughing." "And I'll tell you, he went from pet to friend really quick." "Mm-hmm, the dog is called "A man's best friend"." "For a reason!" "Dr. Ka-aaan I get out of here?" "We're almost done, Dave." "Have you ever seen that animal attack show?" "A couple of times." "I was watching and it was like a bullfight in Spain, okay." "And this guy, he jumps in the bull ring, right." "And the bull gets him down with his horns, and rips off his pants and underwear just with his horns, not with cocaine or promises of acting work, just with horns." "And then get this, Katz..." "The guy gets up and starts running, and running with his, y'know, penis flapping in the air." "He's not even trying to cover it." "'Cause he's so afraid just running, penis flapping, going, "Help, help."" "I don't know what that is in Spanish, "Help-o", whatever it is." "Ayudame!" "This guy is very afraid." "I-I know, I'm a borderline loon, but I'm telling you that's what fear is." "If you walk out of here today and you see a man." "Running down the street with his penis flapping in the air, you run with that man." "'Cause there is some scary stuff coming the other way." "Are you baking bread?" "I am baking bread, take a look." "Oh, my god." "Hey, I want to point something out to you." "You don't know how to bake bread." "No..." "I don't." "But, I'll tell you, it takes awhile to get the hang of it." "Here, taste this one." "Hmmm... that's not bad!" "That's from the bakery." "Now taste this." "It's a..." "A little doughy." "But I think I could get used to it..." "If I lost consciousness." "I'm not gonna force-feed you." "But it smells unbelievable." "You know why I'm baking bread?" "I'm guessing because you have time." "Well, I do have time, but," "I was at Steve's bakery today." "And his baker's assistant quit, and Steve offered me a job." "Ben, this is so... unlikely!" "I know..." "I knew you would react..." "But I'm just considering it." "Well, you know what, Ben, you have a lot of the qualities of a baker's assistant." "Right, I'm a half-wit." "You have nothing to live for." "Extremely low IQ." "You hang out at the bakery anyway." "How do you know when this is done?" "I guess when it starts to smoke..." "Like it's doing." "Steve told me you knock on the bottom, and when the sound is hollow, that's when it's done." "He's been spending much too much time in a bakery, that guy." "This is not a good sound, then for it." "Ha ha ha..." "It's done, but..." "Wow!" "Well y'know, the thing was, there were a couple of failures before." "I see, you know what?" "I see a nice dimension to that." "I see a nice aesthetic..." "My eye is drawn immediately to the end of the roll." "Oh really?" "'Cause I didn't plan that shape at all." "This is good, this is a very good shape." "Yeah, it's a good shape but..." "It's what I saw yesterday." "Do I know talent?" "Do I know talent, huh?" "Thank you." "I was just... huh?" "!" "Steve, you can get excited!" "This is it, whoo!" "Let me tell you something..." "For a novice making a roll like this, ha ha... what'd I tell you yesterday?" "I..." "I..." "Talent..." "And you know what?" "You got the body of a baker." "I know you, you said that, too..." "You got the body of a baker, my friend." "My friend!" "Yeah." "Sittin' in front of me..." "All these years, walking in the door!" "Woo!" "Little did I know!" "Wow." "What walks in?" "A baker!" "Uh-huh." "He's got the hands, he's got the walk, he's got the posture." "Thank you." "Does he have the focus?" "Does he have the concentration?" "I said to myself, "You're a baker, you can teach this, you can pass it on."" "Does a baking machine see a customer walk in." "And say, "Hey, there's the body of a baker"?" "No!" "You know why?" "'Cause it's a machine!" "Woo!" "A machine doesn't have these two things, here." "What are they, Ben?" "What?" "They're eyes!" "They're eyes!" "And you know what's beneath the eyes, Ben?" "Yeah, the nose..." "Instinct... instinct for another baker!" "I see another baker, there's something in me..." "It comes alive." "It's like coming out of the ages." "It comes up from my groin." "I say, "oh!"" "My god!" "I wanna put my arms around you, and say, "Let's bake!"" "I just don't like the idea of Ben touching dough." "Y'know, that people are gonna to eat." "Yeah, I know what you mean." "I never liked the idea of like, a big thing of dough." "Something has to fall into it." "Yeah, that's true." "Like a pen cap, or anything." "I think you are just focusing on the sanitary aspects of the job." "I think what's more exciting." "Is the fact that he's gonna be employed." "That he is going to have a routine like you and I." "Touching people's food." "Hey, Laura, did you hear about the fight at the bakery?" "No." "Two rolls got fresh." "Still works." "That is so awful." "You know that's a joke that has so..." "I think my grandmother told me that joke." "I know, but the fact that it survived." "Is really a tribute to our tolerance as a people." "What time do I start?" "When do I start?" "Ben, get here by 4:00, we'll be ready to go." "4:00..." "Tomorrow morning, 4:00 in the morning." "Morning?" "I'm so excited, this is fabulous..." "Wait, whoa, whoa, Steve, hold on..." "I can't believe it." "Walked right in the front door." "I was going to go to Tuscany!" "I was going to search the world!" "And I said, who would ever think?" "Walking right in the door." "Ah, man." "4:00 A.M., Ben, okay, we'll see you then!" "Can I quit?" "I think I probably should be at a marriage counselor." "Well, you are here, Catherine, and I think there's probably a good reason." "You're married..." "How many years now?" "Uh, 7." "7 years and two children?" "Yes." "I feel like a single mother." "You feel like your husband doesn't share." "The burden of child rearing with you?" "Yeah, I think..." "I'm sure women have divorced men." "Just to get their husbands to see the children on weekends." "So I am wondering if, maybe for the children, it would be a good thing." "Sometimes what helps in these situations, Catherine." "Is if we act out the situations in your family, but instead of playing you," "I will play you, and you will play your husband." "And then we can try it the other way." "Okay, I'm my husband..." "I'm my husband, so, I've been home for an hour, but instead of coming up to see you in the house," "I've been swimming in the pool..." "Hi, honey..." "This is something I should have told you, is that I'm not that good at role-playing stuff." "I'm sorry, but you brought it up." "What are you good at?" "Honestly?" "I'm good at the dream thing." "You know, the one where you're naked in school?" "Ben?" "Mm-hmm?" "Your... your alarm just went off." "Great." "I'm gonna go back to bed, but I just wanna make sure you're up." "Because today is your first day of work." "Mmm, here, take the alarm out of here." "I don't need the alarm." "I don't have to get up for a few hours, but you need to get up now." "I'm not gonna um... get up now." "Want me to put up some coffee for you?" "No, no, I'm gonna go..." "Back to bed." "So you um... should go." "No, Ben, you really need to..." "I'm not gonna leave this room until you're standing up." "Dad, I'm not gonna say it again, so..." "Today, I-i thought you would appreciate this." "This is your first day of work..." "Mmm..." "I'm tempted to say "ever."" "And I don't want you to mess up on your first day." "I know that you'll be mad at me." "If I let you go back to sleep." "What time is it?" "It's uh, 3:48." "Oh my god!" "This is how I used to wake you up when you were in school, Ben." "Yeah." "This little piggy went to market." "This little piggy stayed home?" "Dad!" "This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none." "And this little piggy..." "This is when it gets a little weird." "'Cause you're twenty five..." "No no no, it already got weird." "Okay." "Okay, don't touch my toes." "I'm not playing little piggy with you." "I-I really wanna go back to sleep." "That's disturbing." "I don't wanna play little piggy with you!" "Listen, you wanna start the day the right way?" "Yeah, yeah." "Okay, follow me." "I'm a little blurry, to be honest." "C'mere, c'mere..." "I want you to take your head..." "I want you to inhale..." "Mmm." "And just let it go right through you." "This stuff's been percolating all night." "This is gonna be perfect." "That's..." "Take it right in, uh..." "Steve, uh." "Take it in, take it in, don't talk." "Okay..." "Wow..." "Alright, I'll uh..." "That's it, that it..." "Jesus!" "That's awful!" "What is that?" "This is the yeast." "You know, I've been sober for nine years, but I come in here every morning." "I suck in that stuff off the dough pail." "Yeah." "And I'm telling ya, you suck this in for a half-hour, you're gonna be flying the whole day." "You're gonna be floating over this bakery." "Uh-huh." "You're gonna become the baker that you want to be." "Yeah." "Alright!" "Are you ready to start learning the trade?" "Yeah, yeah, let's, uh, let's get started." "My apprentice!" "My boss!" "Ugh, man, everything aches." "Ah, you're learning, you're learning." "Listen, about that break, Steve." "Is that... uh?" "You want a break?" "You're my apprentice, sure." "Take the French breads, put 'em in the oven, take the rolls, put 'em on the counter, clean out the back sink, then have yourself a nice break." "I-I was thinking about taking a break now." "Right... right after you do that, you take yourself a break, okay?" "Okay." "And by the way, when you have the French bread, talk to it, believe me, it helps." "Talk to it." "Watch what I do..." "Watch me for one second." " Alright?" " Mm-hmm." "I go right down to it, I say," "some of us have to burn, au revoir." "And they go in, and they feel a little better, they pass on that to the customer." "Hey, um, I am not gonna do that." "Hey, Laura." "Hi." "Wh-what time have you got?" "9:06." "9:06, Ben has been at work." "For almost five hours." "Can you believe that?" "No, I can't!" "Yeah, it's really exciting." "I mean, this is the dawn of a new era." "For all of us." "Dr. Katz' office." "Lo-rah!" "Hi, Ben." "Laura, is that Ben?" " How are ya?" " Fine." "Tell him about the new era." "Aren't you supposed to be working?" "I'm on smoke break, but I don't smoke." "Ask him if he wants to say hi to me." "Do you want to say hi to your father?" "Well, I wanna talk to everybody." " Hey, Ben!" " Da-da." "How's the working stiff?" "Great." "Hey, Ben, I gotta, I gotta get back into the office." "I'm sorry, I have a patient coming in two minutes." "Well, hold up, I've got eight more minutes on break." "I'm gonna hand the phone back to Laura." "No!" " Laura, hey!" " Hi." "Stay on the line." "Mmm." " Hey Laura?" " Yeah?" "I have uh, entered the workforce." "I never thought I would see it." "I... you know what, to be quite honest with you..." "Ben, the pecan pies!" "Where are they?" "The second oven." "Second oven." "Yeah, the one in the back, in the corner." "Corner oven, pecan pies." "I'm still on break!" "Got ya." "My boss is crazy." "And to be honest with you," "I've been terrified for the last three hours here." "This guy, Laura, is..." "Hey, Ben!" "Oh my god." "That break has gotta be close to over, by now." "I'm breakin' my back back here!" "Yeah, I'll be right..." "I'm just on the phone and..." "Did you see where that delivery guy brought the baked bread?" "Holy sh..." "Huh?" "It's not back here, and it's not in the side of the building, where the hell could it be?" "It's uh, probably up your ass, you should look up your ass!" "I'm lookin', I'm lookin' okay." "Laura?" "Get me out of here." "I know what women like, and I'll tell you what they like:" "What's that?" "My friends." "I'll tell you what else they like:" "Lots and lots of attention." "Now some people call that stalking." "But I'll tell you, they love it." "They might fool you with a restraining order." "Or some of that Israeli combat karate thing." "That's just their way of flirting." "Um, but I find that area of humor." "Makes me a little uncomfortable." "And I hope you can understand why, because there are women in the world." "Who are afraid to leave their homes." "Because of men who are menacing." "I'm sorry, Dr. Katz, my foot fell asleep, and I think that it is spreading to my leg." "Can you stop talking?" "So, I took your advice and I got one of those sleep tapes." "Um-hmm." "And you know what it basically is, it's like, sounds of like, wind chimes." "And waterfalls and stuff like that." "And then a guy comes on and goes," ""Relax..." "Take it easy..." "Relax..."" "Isn't that the stuff you usually hear." "Before you get your ass kicked?" "Take it easy." "Relax." "Todd." "Hey Ben, what's..." "What's up?" "What are you talking about?" "I don't know, you're covered in..." "like flour." "Oh yeah, I uh, I broke a bag open at uh, oh, I got a new job!" "A job?" "J-o-b." "Wow, where are you working, man?" "I'm working at Steve's bakery." "Steve's bakery?" "Do you know Steve's bakery?" "I love their rolls and muffins." "Yeah, this is my first day." "Are you a baker?" "I uh, I'm an assistant to the baker." "You're a baker's assistant?" "Well, I'm more like an associate." "An associate to the assistant?" "I'm like a vice-baker." "It's just me and him." "What does your job entail?" "It's an amazing process." "An amazingly boring process." "So, what's he in it for?" "I mean uh, he just likes the uh..." "He likes having the routine." "He likes ha..." "I think he likes being employed." "Someone's gonna say this, I might as well do it, uh, can Ben make, any dough that way?" "Hey, that's funny." "I put that in the same category as." ""Two rolls got fresh."" "I think it's a little more sophisticated." "I don't think so." "Just a wee..." "Bitty-bit more." "I have my foot up on the bar, I hope you don't mind." "She's holding her foot..." "Holding her naked foot on the bar." "Nobody's that flexible." "I don't know..." "Y'know, if the board of health saw that, Julie, they'd be all over you in a second." "Well, they never come in here." "That's reassuring." "Steve, man." "Ben, listen..." "It's just that 4:00 is so early." "Ben, let me just talk, okay." "It's not about you, Ben." "And I can't tell you what the last two days have meant to me." "Just getting to know you." "Yeah." "Taking in the fumes with someone else." "It's just that's what I'm gonna miss, moments like that." "Yeah." "But Ben, I want you to leave." "I want you to put the apron back in your locker, put the hat above the locker." "Yeah." "And I want you to remember what you've learned here." "And I can't wish you enough luck." "This is sort of like you're firing me, right?" "No, it's not sort of like it, you're fired, Ben." "Wow!" "Goodbye." "Okay, um." "I-I I really thought I could come around, y'know?" "It's not about you, Ben." "It is not about you." "Right, I forgot, it's about you." "So uh, I guess uh, what I'm gonna have to do then, if it is about you, is I'm gonna have to, uh, let you go..." "Right." "Back to work." "Okay." "So, in a way, Steve, you're fired." "There is no reason that this has to end in any way." "Except amicably." "No, I..." "I-I agree." "Let's not throw away what we had, Ben." "Yeah, that was fun, though, when you got the fire extinguisher and you put out the..." "I don't wanna go over the good times, it's too sad, Ben, please." "Let's just end it quickly." "Let's have the operation without the anesthesia." "Okay?" "I have to go to..." "Back to work, Ben." "I don't think I got paid yet." "Right." "I'm getting paid, right for yesterday and..." "Take these coconut pastries." "This is what I'm getting paid, coconut pastries?" "You know what, you're right." "Here, have some donuts too." "Y'know Steve, I'm not taking your bakery payola." "I want the money." "You drive a hard bargain." "Here's a 12-grain loaf of my favorite bread." "Can you put that in a bag?" "Absolutely." "Laura!" "Ben, what are you doing here?" "I got fired." "I knew this was gonna happen." "You know, it's incredibly easy to get fired." "Yeah." "I don't even know how you've lasted this long." "I don't either." " Ben!" " Dad!" "Shouldn't you be at the bakery?" "Well, technically, I shouldn't be at the bakery." "I don't quite get it, what happened?" "How should I put it?" "Just use your words." "Fired." "Fired?" "How could he fire you?" "You just started." "Remember when you woke me up this morning." "When after you left my room," "I went back to sleep." "W-wait." "So I was..." "Four hours late." "Well, Ben, you must be devastated." "Yeah, why do you seem so happy?" "'Cause I got fired." "Now I'm free." "I-I'm just trying to put a more positive spin on it, Ben," "I don't want to think of you as being fired." "As much as liberated." "That's kind of what it is..." "I can celebrate your liberation," "I cannot celebrate your termination." "Well, let's celebrate with this 'cause I stole all these." "Mmm..." "I mean, oh!" "Steve went in the back and I just filled bags and bags." "Hey, are those cannolis?" "It's everything." "You have a free moment or you gotta work?" "No, I have 20 minutes to kill." "How sad, you guys gotta work all day." "So, so, let's try this again, but this time, Catherine," "I'm gonna be your husband and you be you." "Oh." "And we'll see if it takes a different turn, y'know?" "Is this me how I wish I were." "Or me how I really am?" "Did you hear what you just said?" "Yeah." "Surprise me." "And surprise you, hopefully." "Where were you?" "I've been at pool for the last half-hour..." "Where have you been?" "Why didn't you come in and say hi," "I didn't even know you were home." "When, when you see my key there, that's usually an indication that I'm home." "Oh, sorry, I missed the list of rules." "It's not a rule it's just that..." "It's okay, never mind." "It's a clue." "I forgot that I married a woman who stopped paying attention." "Oh, and I forgot this was a game show." "I forgot what I forgot!" "Clues!" "Next week on "The Lousy Marriage."" "Dr. Katz, have you ever held a monkey?" "No, I haven't." "Oh, my god, I got to hold a monkey." "And let me tell you something:" "Every part of the monkey is adorable." "Except for that monkey ass." "Have you ever seen it?" "No, I don't think so." "Oh my god, you'd know if you had." "It's all red, and bubbly." "It looks like it's not finished!" "But the monkey is a great animal." "It's my favorite animal!" "You know why..." "'Cause it's got those hands, you know." "And then it's got those little feety-hands, for trouble." "That's right." "'Cause I'm holding the monkey, and we're loving each other, we're having a great time, he's picking my nose, he's playing with my ear like a baby." "He's like a little hairy baby." "But with his feety hands..." "Oh, he's up to no good!" "Katz, are you listening?" "Listening?" "I'm writing this down." "Oops, I'm sorry, Dave, you know what the music means, we're gonna have to stop." "We'll... can pick up next week where we left off this week." "And maybe we can get beyond the animals." "Into real-life problems." "Alright, Captain Boring, we all got it." "Okay." "Is your Indian name, zzzzzzzzzzz?"