"Shit." "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." "In other news, the case of the missing boy." "The child goes by the name of l.P." "And he has long, girl-like hair and the face of a prince." "He has been missing for three days, so, folks, keep your eyes peeled." "And now for some jazz." "Oh, fuck!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "What?" "What?" "Oh, Jesus." "Again?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Nothing." "You were pissing in my goddamn sink." "It's my goddamn sink, too." "It's our goddamn house." "Don't pick a fight with me just to change the subject." "You just pissed in our goddamn sink after I've asked you not to." "Should I just start leaving my bloody tampons on your pillow?" "Jesus, relax." "Don't tell me to relax." "Don't ever tell a woman to relax." "I have a voice." "I deserve to be heard." "Baby, baby, it's too early for all of this, all right?" "You beat me to the shower so I pissed in the sink." "I'm sorry." "I promise it won't happen again." "It was stupid." "It was dumb." "Dumb." "It was really dumb." "Why don't you get dressed and I'll finish making breakfast." "If you think I'm eating your urine-splattered eggs, then you are dumb." ""Dumb." "Really dumb."" "Yeah, she won't eat my urine-splattered eggs, but she'll put my dick in her mouth." "I'm sorry." "What?" "What?" "Rose?" "Oh, we'll see if I put your dick in my mouth now." "Oh, yeah, great, honey." "Use sex like blackmail, that's great." "To blackmail you?" "What is this, a murder mystery?" "You're a child." "Grow up." "You're a disgusting pig." "What?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I'm the child, right?" "Because I play with toys." ""You need to grow up, you fat pig."" "That's what they used to say when I was in third grade," "and I'm the adult?" "I didn't say anything about the toys." "And I didn't call you fat." "I called you disgusting." "Oh, yeah, that's a little bit more grown-up." "You did call me dumb three times." "Just let it go." "I'm going to be late." "Just don't talk to me for five minutes." "You're not even..." "You're not even going to try your toast, even?" "No, I'm not." "Thanks." "Hey, I said I was sorry, and I meant it." "It's fine." "I'm fine." "I'm a little bit grossed out and I got upset, but it's no big deal." "Okay." "Remember to pay the gas and electric bills." "I will." "Checks are in the envelopes by the door." "No problem." "And the dry cleaning." "I will grab it." "My new dress is in there." "Ooh, the white one." "Green one." "Right, the green one." "I like the green one." "The green one's sexy." "It's nothing fancy." "It's just a green dress, but I want to wear it tonight." "What's tonight?" "What do you mean, what's tonight?" "Dinner with cam." "Cam?" "Cam." "Camilian daily?" "You forgot?" "Anthony, you forgot?" "Jesus, you said you were going to cook." "It was your idea." "It's my idea?" "I don't think so." "You invited him at unqiue's housewarming party." "Why would I do that?" "I don't even like the guy." "You are so closed-minded." "He's really helped me." "I know, I mean, and that's great." "That's good for you." "I like that." "That's good." "Then why don't you like him then?" "I don't know, he's just-- he's a little-- wait, what the hell?" "What kind of name is "unique"?" "Is that an actual person name?" "Is there somebody named that?" "What?" "I don't-- housewarming party?" "Do you pay attention to anything?" "I have never met a single person in my whole life named unique." "I would remember that." "That's a unique name." "Last Saturday night." "Last Saturday?" "Where the hell do you think you were?" "Last Saturday?" "Oh, Jesus." "I can't do this right now." "Wait, that was her name?" "Unique was her name?" "It was a housewarm-- shit, I was drunk." "Just pay the bills and go to the cleaners and try to get some work done." "Try not to spend the whole day" "looking at your toy books." "They're not toy books." "They're pricing books for collector toys, all right?" "Look, you knew that when we started dating that I was a toy collector, that this was my passion." "Oh, god." "It's more like an addiction." "What, because collecting these antiques is going to solve world hunger?" "Yeah, and toy collecting is curing cancer." "Oh, touché." "So look at that, all of the sudden we have something in common." "Well, if you think we're so different, then we don't have to do this." "We don't have to do what?" "Nothing." "Forget it." "No, what did you mean by that?" "Just shut up!" "I'm just saying, get some work done." "There's-- there's nicer ways of saying that." "It's fine." "Okay, it's fine." "It's fine." "I got to go." "Please, the bills and the cleaners and dinner, and I'm picking cam up" "I know." "You told me." "I know." "You told me three time-- wait a second." "You're picking cam up?" "Yeah, that's right." "He doesn't own a car." "Guy doesn't own a car?" "What?" "Does he not believe in the evils of the automobile?" "I'll have you know, the automobile had been around a long time, longer than even the toaster was invented." "What are you even talking about?" "You don't have a car." "I don't own a car not because I don't like cars." "I like cars." "I can't afford a car." "But as soon as I get enough money, I'm going to get a car." "You invited him." "It made me happy." "I thought for a moment you were actually starting to open up about it." "Now I'm wondering why you even did so in the first place." "Because I was drunk." "God." "Okay, I got to go." "We'll be here around 8:00." "Please have dinner ready." "What am I cooking?" "Oh, you don't remember?" "No." "What am I cooking?" "You're making a roasted pumpkin feta over quinoa salad with white gazpacho soup." "You said three things and I don't know what they are." "Yeah, well, you said you'd made it a thousand times, which was news to me." "Why would I say that?" "Unique said she ate it, and you jumped in with, "i can make that."" "I did?" "Oh, god." "I don't know." "Just figure it out." "I got to go." "You're a good cook when you're not pissing on it." "Jesus Christ, cut me some slack." "I didn't piss on breakfast, okay?" "You don't have to be all cunty and naggy about it." "I'm late." "Okay." "Hey, I'm sorry." "I love" "slammed the door in my fucking face telling you i fucking love you." "That's bullshit." "It's fucking bullshit." "I will fucking shit in your fucking dinner you fucking cunt." "I will fucking do it." "I will fucking do it." "I will fucking do it." "I will shit in it." "You and that fucking fag, that cam fucking daily." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Fucking..." "I am so sick of the way that you bark at me like I'm some sort of fucking dog." "And what do I do?" "I fucking act like a goddamn dog." "You smack me on my fucking nose and I go running." "And you fucking call me back and I go fucking running back and you smack me on my fucking nose again." "Fucking dog." "You fucking dog." "That is no way to be treated." "That's bullshit." "That's fucking bullshit." "That is bullshit." "That's bullshit." "I do not deserve to be fucking treated that way." "Yeah, that's not the way that you treat people." "That is not the way you do it." "That is not the way you treat people." "That's not the way you fucking do it." "I would never do that." "I would never do that." "Why the fuck would I put up with shit from you, you fucking cunt?" "God, I love you." "Fuck you." "Aroo-roo-roo-roo!" "You want a fucking dog?" "I will give you a fucking dog." "I'll give you a hellhound." "Aroo-aroo!" "I will fucking tear you apart and shit in your dinner." "This is rose." "I'm away from the garden." "Please leave me a message." "Hi, sweetie." "Hi." "Hi, it's me again." "I just wanted to say I'm sorry again." "I was a jackass, and I'm excited for dinner." "And I miss you." "Oh, yeah." "I have all this shit." "I can't" "I can't believe it." "I don't have to go to the store." "Nice." "All I got to do is cook it up now, heat it later, serve it up like a "champeen."" "Hi, Mrs. basil." "Hi, my name is Anthony prince." "I lost you there for a second." "Yeah, I'm calling from the superior breath burial insurance company." "That's right." "That's right." "We're having a discount in November-- 30% off within seven days of the funeral." "Not only that, but you obviously would get that included with the policy of your choice." "My name is Anthony prince." "I'm calling on behalf of..." "Hi, my name is Anthony prince..." "That's right, it's insurance..." "Superior breath burial insurance..." "Every member of the family is covered, and that includes your pet." "Hello, my name is anthon-- no." "This product is ideal for people who bleed true for their team, country, or religion." "Your team will feel your support years after your death." "It doesn't mean you don't deserve superior insurance." "If your depression worsens, and let's say, god forbid, the worst happens and you do what you say you might do, you want to leave your family secure." "Imagine your family sitting at your funeral, crying, weeping for your loss." "...in case you die." "You know what?" "I'm not wasting my time." "This is a job." "This is a real job." "My name is-- no?" "All right." "...adult child." "It can't be a 14-year-old type adult." "The last one I sold to a 45-year-old man who acted like a 6-year-old." "It's awful." "I hate my job." "Please, call me and give me a fucking" "I hate my job." "Good morning." "Greetings and salutations, Mr. blue." "Is it Mr. blue?" "That's me." "It is." "Okay, great." "Mr. blue, hello." "My name is Anthony prince." "I'm calling on behalf of the superior breath burial insurance company." "For the month of November, we have a 30% discount on all of our policies." "That's right, up to and including every policy you purchase today." "Within about a week of each funeral, you will be reimbursed up to 30% if you purchase this month." "Now, do you have a moment?" "I can run by some of our policies with you." "Yeah, okay." "You do?" "I do." "All right." "All right, Mr. blue." "All right." "You can call me Dale." "Dale." "Dale it is." "Yes, sir, Dale." "Okay, let's start with our top policy." "Let's just start right off there-- the superior preferred whole life plan." "That sounds like you, doesn't it, Dale?" "Come on!" "T-bone!" "Shit." "Hold on, Mr. blue." "What?" "It doesn't take X-ray vision to see you're in there, man." "Shit, shit." "Stevie wonder could see you're in there." "Hey." "How you doing?" "What are you doing here, snake?" "What's with the cold renovations, brother?" "It looks like a fucking haunted house in here." "Hey, man." "No, no, no." "You smell like a brewery." "You smell like a brewery." "It's not even 10:00 A.M., man." "Hey, hey, hey." "What?" "What?" "Is old mama Hitler here?" "No." "No, she's not, and don't call her that." "Don't call her that." "Goddamn it." "Look, I can smell the clit." "Goddamn it, man." "I can smell the clit." "I'm fucking working here." "I'm working here." "You fucking animal." "I'm working." "Yeah, I'm working here!" "Mr. blue." "Oh, clown bozo." "Oh, man." "Fuck, man." "Where are the fucking bozo the clown shooters i got you in '82?" "These are superb collectibles, man." "They should be on fucking display here on the wall of fucking fame." "What are you talking about?" "What do you got here?" "What are you doing?" "Give me that." "Give me the bottle." "Give it here." "Give me the bottle." "Get the fuck off." "What are you doing?" "Give me the bottle." "No, no, no." "No, no, no, no." "What are you trying to do?" "Kill yourself?" "Aw, shit." "Aww." "Shit." "Aw, shit." "Look what you made me do." "I made you do it?" "I just fucking got here." "I didn't do shit." "What is wrong with you, man?" "I have to go to the store now, you asshole." "I'm sick." "I'm sick here, man." "I know." "You need some help." "No, you don't-- you don't know." "Anthony, I'm serious." "I'm sick, man." "What are you talking about?" "I don't know how to tell you this, man." "I'm sick, man." "I got the aids." "What?" "I got aids." "Are you serious?" "I'm dying." "Shit." "I thought it was crohn's disease, but it's aids." "Aw, shit." "What am I going to do, man?" "Fuck, man." "I'm so sorry, buddy." "I'm so sorry, man." "It's going to be all right." "That's fine." "It's going to be okay." "There's a lot of people that live a long time with aids." "Look at magic Johnson." "That guy's had aids for 30 fucking years, man." "He's done great for himself." "It's going to be all right." "Shit." "What can I do?" "Shit, man." "Can I have soldier boy back?" "What?" "I thought it would be nice to be buried with him." "Aw, you asshole." "No, no." "You got me." "Fuck you, you asshole." "You're a real asshole, you know that?" "You're a real asshole." "No." "God, no." "No." "Get out." "Come on, time's up." "Congratulations, you fucked me." "Let's go." "You fucking owe me, man." "I don't owe you shit." "You owe me for the fucking hasbro score." "Get over the hasbro score already." "It was eight fucking years ago." "Hey, man, if I'd had the fucking skorponok in my collectibles of first gen Decepticons," "it would have made a mint." "You moron." "You fucked me on that." "You moron." "That wasn't even in the box." "If anything, i saved your ass, because you were about to lay 250 clams down on that skorponok." "I saw it on ebay last week for $14.99, you perp." "Now, go." "Just give me soldier boy back." "No." "Deal's a deal." "Let's go." "I thought it would be nice to be buried with him." "Can't have it." "Let's go." "But it was my pappy's." "No." "Oh, your pappy?" "Did he die of the aids, too?" "You don't get to talk about my pappy that way." "I'm coming for soldier boy at 3:00." "3:00." "Out." "Out." "I'm coming for soldier boy at 3:00." "Sober up." "3:00. 3:00." "Sober up." "Three." "Fucking animal." "This is a stetson." "Oh." "Yeah, it's a great..." "You have three messages." "Message one." "Go, go, go." "Message two." "Shh." "Shh." "Be quiet." "Message three." "Now listen up." "You know that I know that you know that much." "You're not dealing with a chimp here, but dummy up, fuck face." "Cocksucker." "I want soldier boy back!" "Asshole!" "This is rose." "I'm away from the garden." "Please leave me a message." "Hi." "Rose, hi." "It's Anthony." "Well, you know who it is." "It's me." "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry again." "I was just a jackass." "And, um, I took care of everything for you." "Went to the grocery store and we got the dry cleaning." "And I've already started cooking dinner and I'm very excited." "Call me, and the pumpkin is in the oven." " So, you know, that's" "hi, Mr. Harris?" "That's me." "Hi." "Hello." "My name is Anthony prince." "I'm calling on behalf of the superior breath burial insurance company." "For the month November-- -what the fuck is this?" "Are you saying I'm going to die?" "No." "You cocksucker!" "Would you like it if I called you and told you that you were going to die?" "Jesus." "Why don't you shit in your mouth" " and choke on it?" "Apr temp agency." "Hi, Lulu." "Hi." "Hi." "It's Anthony." "It's Anthony prince." "How are you, Anthony?" "Hey, do you have a minute?" "I sure do." "I can't do this insurance burial thing anyone." "It's just killing me." "It's sucking the life out of me." "Oh." "You're-- no." "Lulu, i will literally do any- go the fuck home, snake." "What was that?" "No, it's not snake!" "No, not you, Lulu." "I was talk-- no, I mean, it's me, and l.P.'S with me!" " Fuck." "" "Hello?" "Lulu-- shit." "Fuck." "Excuse me?" " Not you." "I apologize." "I got to call you back." "Bye." "I might have a job for you-- have they been here?" "What?" "No." "Nobody's come asking about us?" "No." "What are you doing here?" "What happened?" "Why are you out of breath?" "I've been running with l.P. And he's heavy." "Yeah, right." "Good day to you, uncle Anthony." "And to you as well, l.P." "I ate something bad out of the L.A. river." "What are you doing eating out of the L.A. river for?" "What happened?" "My god, don't you watch the news?" "What's the story, l.P." "Coffee?" "Shit." "The pumpkin." "Damn it." "New dish?" "Yeah." "Making a special meal for aunt rose and her friend." "Friend?" "Yeah, a doctor." "I see." "Now what?" "I think I have enough ingredients for another try." "Smart." "That sure is a mean cup of java, uncle a." "You really are a brew master." "That hit the spot." "I haven't had a decent cup in days." "What's the deal, l.P.?" "Why is you dad eating out of the L.A. river?" "This is really good." "You have a pen and paper?" "Pen and paper?" "Uh, yeah." "Do you mind?" "No." "Chew 'em if you got 'em." "Thanks." "All right, what's the story?" "Will you draw me a sheep?" "I don't know how to draw a sheep." "Just draw me a sheep." "Why?" "I saw it in a book once." "Draw me a sheep." "No, not until you tell me what's going on." "Your dad said you guys were in trouble." "Look, uncle a." "Needs you to focus for a moment." "Tell me what's the matter." "Just draw me a sheep." "Now's not the-- now is not the time for drawing, l.P." "I think the explanation of this very important matter would be best coming from the mouth of an adult." "All right, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to condescend to you." "Whoo, brother!" "Motherfucker, it feels so good to shit in a real toilet." "I swear, my life's a living hell on earth these past few days." "Jesus Christ." "Skip the foreplay." "Get right into it." "Like an episode of fucking "cops."" "Language." "I'm frickin' on the lam, bro." "I'm on the run like Bruce Springsteen right now." "That's "born to run."" "Whatever." "Well, who's chasing you?" "Local law enforcement," "FBI, CIA, homeland security." "The fuck did you do?" "Kill the president?" "Language." "You think I'd do something stupid like that?" "Kill the president?" "I love this country." "And what the fuck?" "When did you think i became a racist?" "I didn't." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "I wouldn't kill a black person, would I?" "For no fucking reason?" "Are you kidding?" "I didn't say you would." "You said you were going to kill the president." "I didn't call you a racist." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "Language." "All right, I'm sorry." "Now, please, would somebody just tell me what's going on?" "Yeah, well, to do that," "I'd have to start at the beginning with me and foxy when we separated- a while ago." "Yeah, like, a while now." "Eight fucking months a while." "Language." "This is f-- fricked!" "I'm so fricked right now!" "All right, focus." "Start from the beginning." "In the beginning, between me and foxy, it was good-- so good we ended up with a beautiful baby love child good." "Thanks, pops." "Yeah, you got it." "After those first three years go by, though?" "Shit gets bad fast." "A woman can turn into a bitch." "Okay." "I still don't know what's going on at all." "We fight all the time." "I can't take her anymore." "All right, I still don't know what's going on." "Things have been complicated for a while now, and it's gotten very complicated." "I'm in big trouble." "Long story short, I'm in fucking trouble." "What the frick is going on?" "We will have more on what scientists are calling the tiniest newly-discovered planet later in the hour." "Now, in the case of the missing boy, the police say they have a new lead suspect and they are following up on the leads leading to the lead suspect in the case." "We got a new lead suspect in the case of the missing boy." "You can rest assured we're going to follow that lead until it leads us to its logical end." "It's what leaders do." "We follow leads." "I wouldn't expect you to understand that." "Don't even-- don't even try." "Don't even try to comprehend it." "The child's name is l.P." "He was kidnapped three days ago from the playground at Sahara park at 10:31 A.M. Friday morning by a man wearing all black with a black ski mask." "This just in." "The leading suspect is in fact the boy's father" "Barbra prince." "So far this Barbra man is nowhere to be found." "A not-so-bright neighbor to Mr. babs prince said, and I quote, "i think he told me to say he was away on a business trip to France or something with his son or something, i think."" "The neighbor is to remain nameless at this point, but is being held for questioning." "The alleged suspect, who sometimes goes by "babs", has had a recent history of violence." "He may be dangerous." "Please stay alert." "You kidnapped your son." "No, that's impossible." "I'm his father, dumbass." "Well, apparently it is, because you did." "Because of that?" "What do they know?" "They think you're dangerous, for one." "I might have beat up a ref at a basketball game" "a couple weeks back." "Why did you do this?" "You know how foxy gets." "She's strong." "And I don't think." "I react." "What did she do?" "She makes fun of me." "She made fun of you?" "That's it?" "No." "That's not it." "She called me a dumb fucking cracker." "Language." "It was your mother who said it." "Now let the men talk here for a second." "I've been dealing with her shit, her threats." "She's using l.P. As a weapon to make me jealous!" "Okay." "So, just, what's the plan?" "Jesus Christ." "Yeah, I know this is bad." "Yeah, it's bad, man." "It's bad." "This is your bad." "You did this." "God!" "Pointing the finger at me again?" "You're always blaming me, pointing the finger at me!" "I'm not blaming you, you dumb fuck." "Yeah." "That's exactly what foxy calls me." "I was being ironic, you dumb fuck." "You want to call me dumb fuck again?" "Huh?" "Go ahead." "Call me dumb fuck." "Can I suggest that we all sit down over a nice lunch and sort this out on a full belly?" "It's not a bad idea." "I'm starving." "You can't stay here, man." "Why not?" "Why not?" "Because I won't be an accomplice to your crime." "They've already detained your neighbor for doing so." "Besides, Rosie would never stand for this, and we have company coming over for dinner, which I've already burnt twice and need to start making." "So, no." "Yeah, yeah." "Bullshit." "You burned dinner twice?" "You're in luck." "I'm the best prep cook you know." "And I'm your brother." "Come on, man." "You kidnapped your son!" "Shit." "It's probably snake." "Prince?" "This is office feltcher and office recum from the Los Angeles police department." "We're here to ask you a couple questions." "Shh." "Be very quiet." "In the back." "In the back." "Very quiet." "Good morning." "Oh, is it afternoon?" "God, I must have really crashed out, officers..." "Recum." "Officer feltcher." "Those are interesting names." "It's interesting that I took my wife's maiden name?" "I think it's beautiful." "Are you Anthony prince?" "Brother to Barbra prince?" "Yes, sir." "Barbra's my brother." "What kind of name is "Barbra" for a man?" "It's a family name, sir." "It's our grandmother's name." "I've had it up to here with this guy." "I am so sick of his business." "Have you seen your brother or had contact with him in the last 72 hours?" "No." "Why?" "What's going on?" "Is he okay?" "Is he dead?" "Do you not know what's going on with your family?" "Do you now pay attention to the news, son?" "The news?" "I've been asleep." "It's a big story." "You don't TiVo?" "TiVo?" "TiVo?" "You record programs and then you watch them" "I know what TiVo is, I do." "But just say "dvr."" "He knew what i was talking about." "TiVo is the brand." "Dvr is the larger-- -doesn't matter." "The Internet is another place to get good information." "Lot of good options there." "Yeah." "I don't have a computer." "Oh." "Wow." "Now you're trying to be smart with us." "Oh, ho, ho!" "No, I'm being serious." "I don't have a computer." "You need to walk your little ass down to a radio shack and pick one up, because you're going to need it." "Yeah, because Barbra's the lead suspect in the kidnapping of your nephew." "Kidnapped?" "But that's his own son." "You can't kidnap your own child." "Are you guys kidding?" "Does it look like we're kidding?" "No." "And he did." "Listen, if you have any more information about him, you better give it up right now." "Uh, Barbra." "Uh..." "No, I don't think so." "You don't think so?" "I don't have any information." "Any phone calls?" "No phone calls." "What's going on over there?" "Looks like you just had a few guests over for late brunch." "Late brunch?" "Yeah." "Why wouldn't you say lunch?" "It's 11:45." "You have a late brunch." "That's drifting dangerously into lunch." "It's not, though." "It's not noon." "Noon and beyond is lunch." "Nope, I don't think-- there's brunchware on the table." "Well, I am a toy collector, and I had a little toy powwow, and I had a couple of fellow toy collectors come over." "All right, you see anything weird, you give us a call." "And if you run into your brother, be careful." "He may be dangerous." "He's not dangerous." "I said "may be."" "He left the door open." "I left it open." "I didn't say he was dangerous." "He said "may be." -"May be dangerous."" "He might be dangerous, he may not be dangerous." "You never know." "Yes, sir, sirs." "Officer recum?" "Office feltcher." "Okay." "All right." "All right." "Okay." "Mm-hmm." "All right." "Okay." "All right." "Okay." "All right." "All right, you guys can come out now." "Fuck, man." "What is wrong with you?" "Oh, my god, i thought you were the cops." "No, you maniac." "This is bad, man." "This is bad." "What were they doing here?" "Are they looking for us?" "Yeah, they were asking about you." "What do you think?" "I don't know." "They could have been here for some other shit." "What?" "Shut your mouth, all right?" "I've already lied to the cops once." "Now, there's not a chance rose is going to stand for this." "Oh, there's no way rose will allow this?" "Rose?" "That's what we're talking about right now?" "Rose?" "Are you wearing a fucking skirt?" "Jesus Christ, are you whipped?" "Okay, fine." "Fine, all right?" "You guys can't stay." "You got to go." "Real nice." "Kick us out." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, let me ask one more favor, brother." "All right, fine." "What?" "We've been in this shit for three days." "I've been eating out of the L.A. river, hiding in doghouses, drainage pipes," "I haven't had a good meal since-- the lunch you cooked was fucking so good, the first real food I've had in days." "I could use a nap and a shower, right?" "And then a plan." "I need your brain to help me come up with a plan to get out of this shit." "An escape plan." "You're smarter than I am." "You want a plan?" "Yeah." "Here's a plan." "You call foxy, you tell her you have l.P., tell he's okay, and you tell her to call off the search." "Yeah. "Just call off the search, foxy."" "It's that easy, right?" "It sounds nice, but that's not how it works." "I'm knee deep in this shit." "I need help, brother." "I need your help." "All right." "Take your shower and take a nap." "And when you get up, we're going to go over your options, and you go home, get the fuck out." "I'm not going home, but I'll take a shower." "Let me take my shower." "Come on, l.P. You can help me make the pumpkin feta." "Is that the original soldier boy from 1963?" "Yeah, actually, it is." "That is a rare piece." "They only have ten prototypes in existence." "Yeah, yeah, you're right." "But that bad boy right there is number one." "No kidding?" "No-- whoa, whoa, whoa." "We don't touch." "We don't touch." "If you can't touch it, how do you play with it?" "You don't play with it." "You collect it and you admire it." "You want to see something really cool?" "Sure." "All right." "Uncle a., phone." "We'll let the answering machine get it, because you're about to feast your eyes one something very few people in the world have ever seen." "Check this out." "Soldier boy puts the "action" in "action figure."" "Soldier boy is brave." "He fears no enemy, and kills the evil orientals." "I'll kill you, soldier boy." "I'm gonna get you!" "Soldier boy's gonna kill us all!" "Run for your lives!" "Oh!" "This soldier boy is not just a hero, he is a man, an American." "More guts than your own father." "Pretty cool, huh?" "I would say for the times, it has some serious issues." "Well, yeah." "I mean, the whole "macho American killing orientals" thing pretty much is what killed the whole soldier boy idea, but levine, the father of soldier boy, he was in Korea, and he was in some pretty fierce gun battles," "and I think it twisted him up a bit, and after a couple of failures, he actually hit the jackpot with one of the top five toys of all time," "the g.I. Joe." "Now that is cool." "You have one message." "Message one-- hello, Anthony, it's rose." "Thanks for taking care of the bills and the dry cleaning." "Let's just forget-- -uncle a, there's a man." "Shh." "I had a really busy first part of the day, so I was unable to call you back, but the day slowed and camilian came in to surprise me, so I'm taking the rest of the day off." "Camilian wants to give me a free session in exchange for dinner, so we should be getting there a little earlier for dinner than I thought, maybe around 7:00?" " Okay, honey." " See you soon." "Trouble in the rose garden?" "Yeah, you could say that again." "This camilian guy, he likes aunt rose?" "No, it's not-- i don't think so, not like that." "No, he's a homeopathic healer." "You mean like a witch doctor?" "Yeah, kinda like that, you know?" "He's-- but he's not all wacky and tripped out, at least not on the surface." "He's more like a new generation-type weirdo, like a Wal-Mart cult leader under cover or something?" "He looks..." "More like a math teacher than, uh, than a healer dude." "Sounds odd." "Yeah, well, he is a bit fruitcake-y, but, you know, again, it's pretty well hidden." "I mean, after all, he did help cure aunt rose's thyroid problem, which made her completely depressed and pardon my French, a bitch." "But the sessions worked." "She was really sweet to me, and things were really nice, for a while." "I mean, it's probably been six months since we've been nice to each other." "What the hell?" "Why is she getting a free session for the dinner I'm making?" "Shouldn't i get the session?" "I'm making the damn dinner." "Sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this." "Yeah, it's too much." "Are you jealous?" "No, I'm pissed off, or over it, maybe." "I don't know." "I feel like a jerk." "It's just-- it's complicated." "Seems very complicated." "Yeah, well, some of his spiritual philosophies are a bit odd and rose is starting to take to them." "And I don't think that I can subscribe to these ideals." "She asking you to?" "Not yet." "But things have changed between us." "How so?" "Well, she doesn't-- she doesn't call me the cute names she used to call me, and she doesn't look at me the same." "And every time she brings up her new outlook on life, if I have anything to say about it, she gets all bent out of shape, and I become the a-hole." "I don't know, if" "if she asks me to join the camilian daily cult, it would be over between us." "I would have to walk away." "Walk away?" "Are you saying it would be over?" "No more aunt rose?" "Absolutely." "I couldn't do it." "Do you love her?" "Yeah." "I do." "But..." "It's gotta be a two-way street, you know?" "There's a line and I just-- i can't cross it." "Rough." "The rat can only run the wheel in motion for only so long before it will die of exhaustion." "Ahem." "Take my mom and dad." "They have no business being together." "They fight so much, it's good they separated." "That's cold." "I'm not being cold but they just don't fit." "Never did." "They make each other stupid." "Yeah, but-- -at least you know where the line is drawn in the sand, and which side you stand on, as long as you follow your heart." "I've grown sick of people who say one thing and then do another." "That's not you, uncle a." "I believe you will do what's best for you." "I will." "I promise." "A promise it is." "Barbra." "Barbra." "Barbra." "Babs." "Get up!" "Barbra." "Babs." "Pops is a very deep sleeper." "Yeah, always has been." "Barbra." "Get up, Barbra." "Get up, Barbra." "Barbra." "Barbra." "Get up, Barbra." "Barbra, come on, buddy." "Get up." "Barbra." "Barbra." "Barbra." "Come on!" "She's here!" "It's rose." "What do we do?" "I think it can be instantaneous." "Seriously, for example- no, I agree." "For example," "I spent-- this is lovely, by the way." " Thank you." "" "I spent the first, easily the first 25 years of my life looking up at the moon, never saw the man." "Never saw the man and then one day, there he was." "There he was, instantaneous." "Anthony!" "We're home!" "Everything changed for me." "Everything." "The way of looking, and that's how change can be." "It can be instantaneous." "Unbelievable." "But I think" " I think seeing the man in the moon kind of ruined the moon for me- oh." "Oh, hey, there you are." "Hey!" "Hey, brother." "Get over here!" "Oh, we don't shake!" "Shaking's what you do when you're in the depths of fear." "Oh, it feels good to be in your presence." "You have some good energy this evening." "Mmm." "All right." "So, is dinner ready?" "Oh, I have been hearing about this white gazpacho soup." "Uh, no." "No?" "But you left a couple messages saying you'd started it." "Yeah." "I had a really busy day." "I had a lot of yesses." "Oh, really?" "Wow." "That's surprising." "Well, that sounds good." "Why is that surprising?" "What are you putting your energy into, brother?" "Uh, it's a temp job." "A temporary job is a job." "A job is a connector to your dreams." "And if you can put some of that back into the community, back into the society, i mean, that's-- that's good for the process." "That's good for your karmic purposes." "Yeah, I sell burial insurance, for-- uh, over the phone." "Wow." "Uh..." "Hmm." "So you want to get dinner started?" "We're starving." "Who wants a glass of red?" "I would like a glass of red." " Me, me." "Me too." "Shh!" "Oh, my universe." "Oh wow." "Oh!" "Oh, my." "Oh, this looks and smells of love!" "Oh, my." "Thanks, cam." "Nicely-- camilian." "I'm sorry?" "My name!" "It-- my name." "I go by my birth star name." "It's camilian." "Never "cam."" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to offend you." "No, no, no, no." "It's okay." "You were coming from, you know, a healthy place and I know you didn't mean any harm by it, but, um..." "You know, you and I, we are from the same tribe, brother." "Mmm." "Oh, wow." "Well, you know, if you keep cooking like this and inviting me i may have to change my name policy." "Let you call me whatever you want." "Just don't call me late for dinner." "It's really good." "Thank you." "Mmm." "Mmm!" "It's better than breakfast." "How's the thyroid therapy sessions going?" "You've been at it for quite a while now." "Oh, well, I think thyroid issue's behind us." "Really?" "I did not know that." "I told you that like two weeks ago." "Yeah, but I thought maybe you weren't totally healed, because you kept the sessions going." "Hmm." "Well, what we did was we removed the negative energy from the thyroid and then we discovered new blockages while we were there that were blocking what we discovered to be actually the origin of the thyroid issue." "What it was blocking." "Oh, what kind of blockages are you uncovering?" "Oh, I can't talk about it." "No, we can't-- we can't talk about it." "I mean, it's just too early in the process." "It's like-- we need to-- you know, nurture and keep safe and just keep the negative energy out until it's-- till we're at the right stage of the process in the healing process." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I understand, i understand." "I just didn't want to be the cause of a blockage." "No." "No." "No." "No." "It's nothing like that." "No, nothing." "I was joking." "Yeah, I didn't mean- yeah." "Hmm." "Rose tells me you-- you collect dolls." "I collect vintage toys." "Some of them are dolls, yeah." "That's cool." "Hey, way to stay young, you know?" "To pretend and live in fantasy," "I mean, that's" "I wish I had more time for that sort of activity." "So you use some kind of sound machine you made up, or you made it?" "Correct, on both counts." "I am the inventor of the daily chakraphone and it is named after me, but I encourage you to get your daily dose of the daily chakraphone." "It feels so amazing after a session." "You should really try it." "I've been wanting him to try a session." "I mean, it could help you with quitting smoking or-- you know what we should do?" "I should do some clairvoyant teachings for his-- what is it, when he hunts for toys?" "That would be a good application, right?" "Why don't you come in for a sesh?" "What does it do, actually?" "Well, I mean, just basically..." " May I?" " Mm-hmm." "So, um, picture a tuning fork after it's been struck." "So it vibrates." "Makes a sound, a tone." "Now the daily chakraphone vibrates at frequencies that speak directly to the frequencies of the human being's DNA." "Wow." "Yeah." "That just-- it sounds fantastic." "Well, that's actually not very crazy." "I mean, the science is all right there." "It's just a matter of knowing where to look, knowing where to dial in for the specific illness, you know." "Whatever it might be, mental, spiritual, physical." "My industry has, you know, modernized with computers and a lot, you know." "But, um..." "I am currently developing a chakraphone phone app as we speak." "You just feel so much clarity." "Thank you." "Well, that's cool." "I mean, that's very cool." "You know, I'm just a kind of a hands-on type of guy." "You know, like, I need to see it to believe it." "No, it's fine." "Do you want to do a session?" "Yeah." "Do a session on him, just by himself?" "Yeah." "I have the chakraphone." "You both should do the convention together." "Wow, thank you." "Oh, wow." "Yeah, I guess, I'm just, uh, just a bit of a skeptic, that's it." "Yeah." "Yeah, I was too." "Wow, I was just like you." "Yeah, you know, you remind me of me." "So we're having this thing that I do annually, and it's happening next weekend, and it's actually our anniversary." "It's a 10-year-anniversary and as you know," "I've asked rose to help me out with the demonstrations and maybe even some logistical work, right?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "And we were wondering-- well, I was wondering-- if you would like to join us." "Actually, it's the first time I'm hearing about it." "I just-- i didn't mention it 'cause I didn't think you'd be interested." "Well, how could I have an interest if you didn't tell me?" "So, I'm glad you're interested." "Oh, ye of little faith!" "Okay, this-- this is really-- it's really-- it's truly a great event." "We have healers, all sorts of healers, and all sorts of natural medicines and methods and i mean clinics for any sort of problem that you might have." "I mean, we've scoured the whole country and we've got the best." "It's a 10-day retreat with the best." "Excuse me for a minute?" "Oh, mm-hmm." "You know what I think." "I think this would just be a great opportunity for you to open yourself up and you wanted to look and see for yourself." "You know, if you're interested." "I'm not saying I'm interested." "But I'm not saying I'm not interested." "What I said was, how could I be interested if you never brought it up?" "See?" "You're not interested." "No, that's not what I'm saying." "I just need a little bit more information before I jump off that bridge." " Okay." "Yeah, I'll get it." "I'll get it." "Aw, shit." "Who is it?" "Uh..." "It's foxy." "Hi, foxy." "Where's your motherfucking brother and my child?" "What are you talking about?" "I haven't seen them." "If I told you-- damn liar." "I can tell, boy." "Don't play with me." "I swear to god, i have not seen them." "If I heard from them, i would tell you immed-- ah, shit." "Baby!" "Mama!" "Hey, hey, hey." "No fighting in front of-- shut your ass up, liar!" "Okay, everybody stop it." "Stop it." "Liar." "Shut up." "Stop it." "Stop it." "What is going on?" "Don't you people watch the news around here?" "Damn!" "Barbra kidnapped l.P." "Okay, let's just all sit down and talk this through like adults." "Sit down." "I don't mean to intrude, but perhaps I can be of some help if you need a neutral mediator." "My name is camilian daily and I do energy healing." "Oh." "For problematic crisis resolution." "You're the witch doctor friend?" "Shut your ass up." "Nobody asked you if you thought it was funny." "Shut up." "It is holistic healing." "Camilian's who helped me with my thyroid." "No shit." "Oh yeah?" "I could use some work." "My chi has been off like a motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?" "You do tarot cards?" "Hmm, I don't really do tarot-- hey." "Where's l.P.?" "My baby!" "I didn't do it this time." "Put it on speaker." "It's me, l.P. I'm okay." "Cut the shit, you snot nose." "Hey, this is snake." "If you want to see-- what do they call you, kid?" "L.P." "L.P.?" " Yeah." "" "Like the vinyl?" "What's that stand for?" "Listen, this is snake." "If you ever want to see d.P. Again-- no, l.P.!" "If you want to see the kid again, l.P. Again, then you gotta swap me for soldier boy or else you, his mom, and his papa-San will never see the kid again." "I know what's going on, man." "You don't think i don't watch the news?" "Word on the street is you snatched the kid up." "You go straight to the pokey for that, man, and then from there to the chair." "So here's the deal, fucko." "You give me soldier boy and everything's copacetic." "Then you can go back to your copacetic, cushy little life with ol' mama Hitler." "Snake!" "Call the police." "Yes!" "No, wait." "You're not gonna call the cops on me, are you?" "Shut your ass up." "I'll say how to deal with your ass later." "Okay." "Call 'em." "Is he all right?" "Babs." "Yes!" "Get some rope." "Rope!" "You gonna tie him up?" "Yeah, if he wakes up before the police get here, he's gonna be mad as hell." "Guess you'd better tie him up tight, then." "Operator, i need the police." "And then I suggest we do a relaxation exercise to reset the energy in the room." "I want my soldier boy back, you son of a bitch." "Keep quiet, you baby snatcher." "Why don't you go outside and clear your name with the news reporters?" "They still think it was you." "Hell, I thought it was you the whole time." "Part of me still thinks it's you." "Yeah, well, i didn't do it, so..." "You get them back in their warrior, okay." "You get them to reclaim their warrior." "Justice was served, this time." "You guys are lucky." "Yeah, don't go running around trying to be heroes, doing our jobs for us." "That's what this badge is for." "You got it." "Thank you, officers." "All right, let's take him downtown and book him." "Well, the precinct's in midtown." "Yeah, but you gotta go through downtown-- but don't say "downtown" when you mean- it's easier-- people know- just get him outta here!" "Good night, officers." "Oh." "Is everything, uh..." "Worked out?" "Yeah, the press is starting to leave now." "Okay." "Well, why don't you both join us?" "Barbra, foxy and rose and I we've been having some soul-searching discussion and we've got a couple of positive ideas that we'd like to run by you." "Barbra, sit." "Sit, Barbra, sit." "Sit." "Sit, Barbra." "I know you don't know me from Adam, and I may come off as a little strange, but I want to help." "I've done a lot of family healing, so, Anthony, please." "Why don't you have a seat?" "You're a part of this family, too." "We need your help." "All right, anything to help." "All right." "So rose and foxy and I have been doing a little thinking, doing a little soul searching, and we've been talking about Sonic spirit convention my award-winning workshop, in addition to some other details about my past" "and relationship healing." "And um..." "Well..." "Gentlemen..." "I have a gift." "And frankly, i was a little scared when I discovered it as a child," "but I have learned that is my mission..." "To help others in relationships." "Barbra, you know, you are-- you must forgive me here-- you love your foxy but you are a..." "A wild animal that needs to be tamed." "Wild animal!" "Is it simple to be simple?" "And you, Anthony." "You're the kind of guy that needs to see it to believe it." "You need some real world, hands-on experience." "I applaud you for that." "You're a thinker." "You're not one of these guys that's a clown, that's just going to be a lemming and jump off the bridge, as you put it, right?" "No, I respect that." "So without any further ado, let's sit back, relax, and witness the healing power of the daily chakraphone." "Is that a walkman?" "Wait, just... wait." "We'll get to that, i promise, all right?" "It's party time." "Wait, what's going on?" "What is this guy doing?" "Keep that damn mouth of yours shut if you want me and your son back." "Dumb fucking cracker-ass." "I think what your loving foxy is--quite passionately as well-- trying to give you is a, uh, what we call an ultimatum." "What?" "A ultimatum." "Two choices." "One, you go to the Sonic spirit convention with foxy, and you work on your relationship and you heal it, or two, you don't go to the super Sonic spirit convention and instead, you get a divorce." "And, uh, you get a custody battle over your son." "See what I'm trying to bring you?" "Peace." "Peace." "Okay?" "Anyhow, what I need you to do is i need you to work, okay?" "It's not gonna be easy." "I mean, I can help you." "There's a way that we can do this." "It's not gonna be easy but I'm here to help." "But you are gonna have to put in the work." "And you are gonna have to be willing, and you are gonna have to want it really bad." "All right?" "Yeah." "So, let's begin." "First of all, I'm gonna ask you a question." "Now the question is a question" "I don't want you to answer just yet, okay?" "The question is-- well, I guess you need to hear the question first." "The question is are you going to the Sonic spirit convention with foxy to work on your relationship?" "All right, don't answer." "Don't answer that question till after you've been daily chakraphoned." "We're gonna take ten deep breaths, we're gonna take that question, we're gonna put it into a crystal ball." "We're gonna focus on it after we close our eyes." "Okay, we'll do this step by step." "I'll lead you through this, okay?" "All right, here we go." "So, ten deep breaths, like this." "No four, five, let me do it." "Five." "Six." "Seven-- not yet." "Eight." "Nine." "Ten." "Okay, now-- now you, okay?" "May I touch you?" "Yeah." "Okay, that's good." "Let it out, let it out." "All right." "Now we're gonna take that question and put it into a crystal ball, and focus on that question, and we're gonna gently close our eyes, okay?" "Gently." "Gently close our eyes." "All right, we're gonna face these people, and-- so now..." "Once we're relaxed-- once we're relaxed, we're going to start the daily chakraphone." "We're going to start the daily chakraphone." "Okay, so, what happens..." "What sometimes happens during the experience is..." "I've never had anyone ask for a refund, or-- never had any complaint of failure, but sometimes what will happen is there's a-- when the outcome is not a union but a reunion of sorts with the self," "if that's where the energy needed to go, so in this case if there is some misguided love within Barbra, the daily chakraphone will find it and correct it." "All right, so, also we have to keep in mind that this is just one part of the process." "This is just one of a long process that will continue during the spirit Sonic convention, okay?" "So..." "Wow." "Okay." " Okay, okay, breathe." "Shit." "Breathe." "I want you to just..." "Breathe." "Oh, my god." "How are you?" "Good." "I feel good!" "Oh, wow, that's great." "Ha!" "That's good." " Relaxed!" "" "Oh, relaxed." "Relaxed is good." "Oh!" "That's really good." "Wow, you're very warm." "I'm a professional." "I've done this many times." "And you're safe." "You're in good company." "This is so good." "This is really, really good." "Ladies and gentlemen, can we-- can we please give Barbra a hand?" " All right, yeah!" "Oh, my goodness, my goodness." "Oh, wow." "That was really something." "Okay, give me another deep breath, just-- just to-- great, now, do you remember the question?" "You can keep your eyes closed for this." "I do." "You remember the question." "And do you remember putting it in the crystal ball?" "Oh, yes." "Glorious." "Do you remember..." "The color?" " I do, I do." "" "Do you see the color?" "What is the color of that crystal ball?" "Do you remember the color..." "Yeah." "Of the crystal ball?" "Blue!" "Oh!" "Like the sky!" "Oh, ho, ho!" "Oh, I can see it!" "Bright blue!" "Oh, bright blue!" "Oh, my goodness." "Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun when you go." "Oh, my gosh." "You're gonna have so many new leaders and so much energy and so much burning with fire and energy." "Now I want you to take the workshop." "The workshop i want you to take, a past life regression correctional boot camp relationship couples in crisis workshop, okay?" "We go back in past life, and then we go forward, you know, it's past, present and future." "We're cleansing all of that." "'Cause that-- it repeats, you know." "I'm so happy for you." "It takes a lot of courage." "This is bullshit." "You're being rude." "No, this is a cheap trick." "Hey, Anthony." "Uh uh." "Leave cam alone." "No, no, that's-- it's okay, i can take it." "I have no judgments." "But I can see that that is not a two-way street, is it, Anthony?" "Anthony has got it all figured out, don't you, Anthony?" "You know who I am, right?" "I'm just some fairground, carnival, fruitcake hippie, just walking around with a silver spoon in his mouth..." "His thumb up his ass..." "Parents' trust fund..." "Screwing your family..." "By healing them." "I see you." "I see you." "I see your skepticism, brother." "Oh, I'm sorry?" "You know what?" "Let's just drop the illusion of "I'm sorry" for once, shall we?" "And instead let's talk about taking some real responsibility for our actions." "Oh, I'm sorry, but, you're not giving my brother much of an alternative choice here." "I mean, first off you put a walkman on his head and played him some kind of subliminal message." "Subliminal messages, really?" "Really, subliminal message?" "Yeah." "Is that what you think?" "Oh, I don't think so, i know so." "Oh, you know so?" "I do." "How else you gonna get him to change his mind so quick?" "Look at him!" "That's transformational vibrational frequency healing." "It's very powerful and frankly you should try it." "Yeah." "First off," "I believe you interrupted me." "My point was, it's either he goes to your Sonic healing convention or he gets a divorce and a custody battle?" "That's it." "There's no other alternative, no other way out of this." "Anthony, actually there's quite a number of different opportunities." "That is not the only option." "The Sonic spirit convention has many different types of relationship healing-- yeah, but that's not what we're talking about, is it?" "I don't know, why don't you tell me what we're talking about." "You're being a close-minded asshole." "I'm not being a close-minded asshole." "You are too!" "Am not!" "You are!" "Am not." "Anthony, stop sticking your butt into my business." "Shit." "Bro, trust him on this." "It's an experience." "Yeah." "I mean, it seems like you're the only one that has a problem with healing right now." "I don't have a problem with healing." "I just think it's a little narrow-minded, that's all." "You know what?" "I don't want to do this anymore." "Do what?" "You have two options." "You can go to the Sonic convention and do the relationship healing class with me, or it's over." "Rose, you can't do this to me." "I'm sorry." "Is that your answer?" "It's that simple to you?" "This or that?" "What the fuck?" "It's pretty basic." "You either want me or you don't." "No, it's not that simple." "It's either I want you, and I go to the Sonic healing convention or I don't get anything." "That's it, nothing." "That's it." "I want you to try." "You won't try." "You won't even try the chakraphone." "It's a fucking walkman!" "I'm drawing a line." "So you can cross it with me, or not." "All right." "Fine." "I'll go." "But it's bullshit." "I don't accept your answer if you call it bullshit." "I feel like I should have a little bit more say in the-- maybe you should try the daily chakraphone." "Yeah." "Positivity." "I said I was going." "Let's just leave it at that, all right?" "Okay, do you see my point?" "That as long as he is" "I said I was going, all right?" "What else do you want from me?" "I'm going." "I just want him to try." "I don't want him to go through the motions." "That's not the same thing, at all." "It's not the same thing!"