"THE GHOST GOES WEST" "18th Century Scotland" " What are we waiting for?" " We're not to be denied by the Glouries!" "If they refuse to open, we'll break down the door!" "Wist, lads!" "I tell you again, we will see the accursed Glourie." "And if you don't open the door, we'll break it down." "Aye?" "Aye?" "But you daren't disturb the Glourie!" "Here, your medicine, Glourie." "The physician said..." "Never mind what the physician said!" "My medicine has always been whisky." "But I tell youGlourie, he said that it would kill you!" "I will not die." "I will not die until I seen my son go to the war!" " What was that?" " The MacLaggan!" "Here's the Glourie!" "And what business have men of clan MacLaggan with me this day?" "Give me my bonnet." "Gavin Glourie, we come to tell you that me and my five sons and all the men of clan MacLaggan, are marching to fight the English for the glory of Scotland." "and we rejoice that in the battle there will not be one fighting man that bears the hated name of Glourie." "I am too old and too ill to fight this day, but if, by accident, any of you MacLaggan should happen to stray near the front line of battle, you will see there my son Murdoch!" "Your son Murdoch, eh?" "Ay!" "We saw him just now in a field playing with women." "Young women!" "A better occupation for a Glourie than war!" "Fetch me my son!" "He will repay you for this insult!" "He'll have his chance on the battlefield, but let me tell you, for the last time, that the Glourie are a clan of craven cowards, and we MacLaggans, being men, despise you!" "Men?" "I tell you, one Glourie is man enough to thrash 50 MacLaggans!" " That's an insult, Father!" "We'll revenge it!" " No!" "It's a waste of strength to bicker with the last poor feeble relics of the clan Glourie!" " Come on, lads." " Get out, before my son comes and slays you all!" "Give me that..." "Bring me another glass." " Whose turn is it now?" " Mine!" " Later." " Mine!" " No!" " Mine." " No, no, it's Jean's." "What's the difference betwixt a thistle in the heather and a kiss in the dark?" "If you can't tell me by the time I've spelt "Killiecrankie", you must pay the forfeit." "K-I-L-L-I-E..." " I give it up." " Wait now, C-R-A-N-K-I-E." "Well, you pay the forfeit." " What is it?" " You know very well it's a kiss, it's always a kiss, come here." " Murdoch!" " What is it?" "Forgive me, but your father is wanting you." "What for?" "I think he's wanting you to be going to the battle." "Oh, aye, the battle." "But first I must claim the forfeit!" "Murdoch!" "Fare thee well, lasses!" "I'll be back soon!" "Murdoch!" "When you meet any of the clan MacLaggan on the battlefield, strike him down!" "But I thought I was supposed to fight the English?" "You're a Glourie." "You fight the MacLaggans first!" "You can attend to the English later." " Goodbye, my son." " Goodbye, Father." "Remember!" "You must not pause for one moment until you've avenged that insult!" " Now Glourie, you must rest." " I'll rest..." "My son's a man at last!" "I can die content." "...When I finish this whisky." "Glourie, Glourie!" " What's happened?" " He's ill." " Aye, very ill." " But we'll send for the physician!" "No, it's too late now." "May Heaven receive the soul of Gavin Glourie." "Good morning, my bonny lass!" " Remember Murdoch, your father said you mustn't pause.." " Be quiet." "Tell me lassie, which is the way to the battle?" "The second turning to your left, and then bear right until you come to men fighting." "And that'll be it." "Well if the battle doesn't start on time, I'll be back." "Wait for me." "That cannon looks as though it's seen great service!" "Hey, it's been fighting for Scotland for over a hundred years." "But how many cannons have the English?" "A dozen or more, but they're all brand new." "No match for Old Terrible here." "Wait till you hear him!" "I'll be glad to, but first I've an account to settle with the accursed MacLaggans!" "But what do you want with them?" "They've insulted the name of Glourie, which I'm proud to bear." " Are you one of the MacLaggan?" " Me?" "No, no, I hate them too!" " Have you aimed Old Terrible?" " Ay, sir!" "He's all ready to blow the English off the face of the earth!" " Then fire!" " Come, alack!" "Come back!" "Alack!" "Come on!" "Fire!" "I think you've made a slight mistake in your aim." "You addle-pated fools!" "You've wasted a good cannonball!" "Never mind!" "I saw where it fell." "I'll bring it back to you." "Come on, lads." "The battle's started!" "Forward till we meet the Redcoats, and then we'll chase them out of Scotland!" "Forward!" " MacLaggan?" " Don't interrupt us, we're advancing." "But Murdoch Glourie is looking for you." "A Glourie?" "Here on the battlefield?" "Where is he?" " At the cannon." " You lads go and find him!" " But the battle!" "First we must settle this important matter!" "About turn!" "March!" "It must have rolled in there." "I'll leap over." "Here, hold my claymore and tarts." "Why my dear young lady, what's the matter?" "This horrible battle." "Oh, it can't be as bad as all that." "My lover is there fighting and he'll be killed." "You mustn't think of him." "He's a hero." "We're all heroes." "There, there..." "You're a kind good man and I thank you for comforting me." "It's a pleasure, my dear." "Tell me, do you know the game of Spell Me a Riddle?" "You see I tell you a riddle, and if you can't tell me the answer by..." "Murdoch!" "Remember, your father said that you mustn't pause." "Away with you!" "I'll be out in a moment." " There's the Glourie!" " That's his groom." " He'll know where Murdoch is." " Let's ask him." " I give up." " Well you must pay the forfeit." " What is it?" " It's this." "Murdoch!" "There's always some cursed interruption!" "Oh, I see!" "Forgive me lassie, I'll be back soon!" " Murdoch!" " Here, stop!" " There he is!" " Look at him!" " Bold Glourie, the fighting man!" " With a woman, as usual!" " My cannon will stop your laughing!" " Come and get it yourself." "We'll return it, through your body!" " Hand it over!" " You've met your match, Glourie!" " Come on!" " Get that cannon, Glourie!" "We'll get it!" "Just a minute, just a minute!" "I have to have a sword!" "Will someone lend me a sword?" "GUN POWDER" "Shoot!" "May Heaven receive the soul of Murdoch Glourie." "Murdoch, my son, can you hear me?" "Father, where are you?" "Where am I?" "In limbo, the empty place between Heaven and Hell." "I died with honor, and you died a coward's death." "Do you realize that?" "Yes Father, I suppose I did." "Then you can never be welcomed among your ancestors in Heaven." "Never?" "You will be an earth-bound ghost, doomed to haunt the dark halls of Glourie Castle..." "The Lord preserve us!" "It's a ghost!" "It's come back!" "It's the ghost!" "It's the ghost!" "Father?" "Yes, my son?" "How long do I have to go on with this nonsense?" "I mean, frightening people like that." "You promised to avenge our honor and you failed." "You will remain the phantom in this castle until that promise is fulfilled." "When you twist the nose of one of our enemies, and make him kneel before you, and admit that one Glourie can thrash 50 MacLaggans." "But suppose I can never find a MacLaggan?" "A promise is a promise." "Every night at midnight, you will awaken and walk through the halls of this castle, until you've found a MacLaggan and forced him to bow down before you in humble apology." "Then and not till then, will you be permitted to ascend from limbo and join your noble ancestors in Heaven." "Farewell," "Miserable ghost of a Glourie." "20th Century" "FOR SALE GLOURIE CASTLE" "INQUIRE WITHIN" " Hey!" " What?" "Excuse me, but I'm looking for the owner of this place." "Aye." "So am I." "He's hiding somewhere around this castle, and I propose to find him!" "Well you'll not find him here, so I would thank you to take your sour faces out of my kitchen!" "Donald Glourie owes me about 150 pounds for ales, wines and liquors furnished during the past seven years." "And he owes me upwards of 200 pounds for provisions." "And what about my loan?" "Aye, aye." "We know how much he owes you skinflints, and you know how much chance you have of being paid before the day this castle's sold." " And when will that day come?" " I just could not say." "I will not wait for it." "We'll get the bailiff and take possession ourselves." "Possess away then, but get out of my sight, the lot of you!" "What's more, there's someone else in the house after him!" " Who?" " I don't know." " Where?" " In the hall." " Oh, I...well..." "They'll not be there long!" "How did you come here?" "I just walked in that front door." "It was open." "That's no reason." "The lock of that door's been broken for 200 years." "What do you want?" "I saw a sign that this place was for sale." "That's still no reason." "You know the price?" "You'll not be thinking of buying it, are you?" "Master Donald!" " Master Donald!" " What is it?" "It might be a purchaser." " Do you think he's serious?" " It's a she, and young too." "But she's got a queer kind of speech." "I'll try to understand her." "The debts of Donald Glourie come to a grand total of 2374 pounds, 18 shillings and 4 pence half pence." "And he hasn't even the half pence to pay us!" "Do you think he'll ever sell this old ruin?" "Not while the Glourie ghost walks these halls." "'Tis the curse that's been on his family for 10 generations!" "Ghosts or no ghosts, debts are debts and must be paid." "Come on, we'll search the castle till we find the renegade." "And when you find him, don't let him out of your sight!" "This is Mr. Glourie, Miss." "How do you do?" "My name is Peggy Martin." " Oh...mine's Donald." "I hear you're interested in selling this castle." "Why yes, I might be interested." "Will you sit down?" "No, I think I'll just stand." "I'd like to walk around a bit." "I'm kind of nervous." "That's funny, so am I." "Oh, that's too bad." "It doesn't really matter." "I break something every day just for the pleasure of putting it together again." "Are you an American?" " Yes, how'd you guess it?" "Why do you keep staring at me like that?" "Have you never seen an American before?" "Oh yes, several." "Where, in the zoo?" "Please forgive me, it's just that...well..." "We don't often get anything worth staring at in this..." "Mr. Glourie, there is a financial matter to discuss." "Oh yes, of course." "Do sit down." "I'm not at all sure I do want to sell this castle, but I'll be glad to show you around." "Of course, some of the panelling's falling to pieces because it needs to be repaired." "I love it!" "You've no idea what it means to us to see something that isn't new." "Here is the room that Mary, Queen of Scots slept in." "Hey!" "He's in that room!" "How do you do?" "It probably sounds silly to you, but I guess every American has a hankering for this kind of... romance, beauty, and peacefulness." "Who are all those cheerful-looking men?" "Oh them." "They're just businessmen." "Do they want to buy the castle?" "Yes, they're very keen to get possession of it." " I think it's lovely." " Yes, lovely." "I'm sure you'd hate to part with it." "I'd hate to let any of them have it." "We haven't said anything about the price!" "Oh no, there's no need to mention that." "I'll leave that to my father." "Would it be all right if I brought him here?" "And my mother too?" " Of course." "But perhaps they'd..." "Perhaps you'd bring them for dinner here this evening." "Have you any other relatives?" " No." "I mean no husbands or anything like that?" "Not even one." "What time shall we be here?" " As early as possible." "I mean... 8:00?" " 8:00." "And if for any reason your parents can't come, come anyway, won't you?" "Oh don't worry, I'll have them here." "Goodbye, Mr. Glourie!" " Goodbye, Miss..." "Miss...!" "And who's to furnish this fine dinner?" "And the champagne?" "And who's to serve it?" "You'll furnish the meat, Mr. Ross." "I think we'll have grouse." "And the champagne from you, Mr. MacKaye, and Mr. Crawford we'll have some of your best salmon." "And all of you will help to serve it!" " What?" " The insolence of a woman!" "We'll see you in jail first, and him too." "Come into the kitchen and we'll all have a glass of whisky and talk it over." "We will not!" "We're self-respecting tradesmen and we'll not." "You had the talk just now, didn't you?" "Aye, we did, but..." ""Aye, but"!" "The lass is an American, and all Americans are filthy with money." " Is that not so?" " I've heard of some that used to be." "That whisky was furnished by me and I'm still owed for it." "Come, come now, Mr. MacKaye." "Even if it isn't paid for, it's still whisky." "I know Master Donald owes you all, especially you, Mr. Ross, you flint-hearted moneylender, but the only chance you have of being paid is for him to sell the castle to these Americans." "What about the Glourie Ghost?" "At midnight he'll be appearing." "And there'll be no sale." " They'll see no ghost." "We'll give them a good dinner and long before midnight they'll have agreed to buy the castle and we'll be rid of them." "Maybe." "Come on my lads, we must give this matter some thought." "Good gracious!" "Have you not finished that yet?" "It'll never be ready tonight!" "Will you stop that hideous noise while I'm cooking?" "We're needing practice." "Well off you go to the piggery." "It'll sound more natural there." "What are you waiting for?" "I must say you look a rich man in your fine clothes." "Thank you, Fergus." "I can assure you that the tailor who made this dinner jacket also hopes the castle will be sold." "Don't forget that you borrowed that shirt stud from me." "It's an heirloom in my family, and everyone admits it's solid gold." "It must be returned." "It will be returned, in good condition." " Is everything ready?" " Everything but your guests." "They're late." "And I warn you," "I'll not be here at midnight to see the horrible specter that frightened my grandmother out of her wits!" "I'll keep my eye on that clock." "You know I'm in the retail grocery business, chain stores all over the United States." "Over 20 millon customers!" "Quite a responsibility knowing that every day you have 20 millon stomachs to fill." " Oh, yes!" " He's drunk the whole bottle." " Open another." " Remember it's 22 and 6 a bottle!" "And remember also that's my stud!" "This place seems very antique." "It's 600 years old, Mother." "I knew I could feel a sense of the past here." "Is it by any chance haunted?" "Mother's scared to death of ghosts, but I'm not, I'd love to meet one." "Well I've no desire for dealings with the other world." "Is there a ghost, Mr. Glourie?" "Well, I suppose there are legends about every old place." "I'll answer your question, Gladys." "There isn't any ghost here or anywhere else because ghosts simply don't exist outside of mystery stories." "If you don't mind, I'll have some more of that duck." " Duck?" "That's grouse." " What's the difference?" "11 shillings and 8 pence." "Thank you." "Ever since I had my nervous breakdown," "I have been extremely psychic." "And if there were a ghost here, I should see him and hear him." "What's that?" "What is it?" "It's only the bagpipes Mr. Martin, an old Scottish custom during dinner." "An old Scots custom, eh?" "Sounds great." "I'll have some more champagne, please." "Some more champagne." "8 pounds, 3 shillings and a penny." "Gather up the rest of the whisky, Mr. MacKaye." "I'll take the cigars." "They must be away." " First I must get back my stud!" "There's little time left." "I've heard it right here by this table." "The monster comes into view each night." "It certainly is old, but aren't you ever afraid that it might fall to pieces?" " It does need a little reconstruction here and there..." " Yeah." " What time is it?" " It's early, Mother." "We ought to get home before midnight." "It's what they call "the witching hour"" "for departed spirits." "If you don't stop talking about ghosts, you'll be dreaming about them all night." "Maybe I'm dreaming." "I'd have sworn there was a decanter of whisky on that table a moment ago." "Some whisky for Mr. Martin." " We're going now, Mr. Glourie." " Why?" "We have no wish to be here when the ghost comes." "My butler tells me there's a bad storm coming up." "I think it would be safer if you started before it breaks." "You see these Highland roads are treacherous and..." "But we can wait a few more minutes." "It's almost midnight!" "Midnight?" "We better leave at once!" " There she goes again!" " Tell her, Mr. Glourie." "Tell her there's nothing like that around here." "Unfortunately!" "Oh...yes." "Fergus!" "Have you ever seen a ghost in Glourie Castle?" "Never have I seen one." "And never do I intend to!" "I think we better move into another room." "It's getting cold in here." "Oh, yes." "I think it would be better." " Just a minute, Mother." "I counted only 11 strokes." " But the clock says 12." "I hope I haven't broken anything very valuable." "Sorry, I bumped into one of your ancestors." "It's all right, can I help you?" "Are you hurt?" "I'm all right, but I suggest that you get a little reconstruction here and there on that chair!" "It's quite all right, Mr. Martin." "You see?" "It's after midnight and nothing happened!" " I'm sort of disappointed." " The only thing that's happened is somebody sneaked away with the whisky again!" "Come on Gladys, we'll take you home." "Goodnight, Mr. Glourie." "Thank you for a nice quiet evening." "Maybe tomorrow we can get together and talk a little business." "Goodnight." "You want to go first, Peggy?" "No, you go ahead, Dad." "I'll follow you." "Goodnight, Mr. Glourie." "You've been very kind." " You will come back, won't you?" " Oh I'll come back, you may be sure." " Goodnight." "Murdoch Glourie... for the first time in history you've been considerate." "You've done me a good turn, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart." "Don't thank him, Master Donald." "Thank me." " You?" " When you were at dinner," "I set it ahead an hour." "That's the right time now." "It's all right, Murdoch." "Come forth whenever you please." "Hello!" "Is anybody awake?" " Who is it?" " That American, Peggy." "I'm terribly sorry to disturb you like this..." "Have you forgotten something?" "No." "I just wanted to tell you about your clock downstairs." "It's fast!" " Is it?" " One hour." "But that's not the real reason I came, Donald." "You don't mind my calling you Donald, do you?" "Oh no Peggy, I don't mind." "Well..." "The fact is you never really get to know a place until after you've stayed in it a bit." "So would it upset you awfully if I were to spend the night here?" "Oh no, of course not!" "But..." " Any old bedroom will do." "But they're all so terribly uncomfortable." "I don't mind." " And so cold." " But we can light a fire, can't we?" "It's not easy to sleep in this castle." "You may hear noises." " What kind of noises?" " Sometimes they might be like footsteps." "Sometimes like moans." " It sounds sort of scary." "Oh, no, no." "It'll just be the wind whistling through the cracks in the walls and rattling the old boards." "Tell me, Mrs. MacNiff..." "Is there anything to all this talk about a ghost?" "I tell you, Miss:" "Whatever you hear, it's only the wind." "Murdoch!" "Murdoch Glourie!" "I want to ask you a favor." "Be quiet, just this one night." "Come in." "Who is there?" "Why, it's Mr. Glourie!" " It is." "Oh, you scared me!" "For a moment I thought you were a ghost." "I am a ghost." "I am the famous Glourie ghost, that haunts this castle through the darkness at night" "searching, searching for a despised MacLaggan." "So that's the explanation!" "And I always thought you Scotch people had no sense of humor." " So you don't believe me?" " Of course I do." "And I think you look marvelous in that fancy dress costume." "It's just what I happened to be wearing on the day of my death and my disgrace." "Your death?" "And when did that happen?" "I forget the exact day, but..." "It must have been about 200 years ago." "200 years?" "You look so young." "Don't you know that we never age?" "Or aren't you used to us?" "No, this is my first encounter." "And I'm surprised that I'm not terrified of you..." "Donald." "Why do you call me Donald when my name is Murdoch?" "Because I'm no more frightened of Murdoch than I would be of Donald." "I'm glad of that." "I should hate to alarm such a pretty young girl." "And you're the first I've met since the day of that ill-fated battle." "It was a shepherdess then." "I believe." "I'd just started teaching her a game, and she was enjoying it very very much." " And what sort of a game was it?" " Spell Me a Riddle." "Do you know it?" " No." "How is it played?" "Well you see, I ask you a riddle." "And if you can't answer by the time I spell "Killiecrankie", you must pay a forfeit." "Now this is the riddle:" "What is the difference betwixt a thistle in the heather and a kiss in the dark?" "Now you must answer." "K-l-L-L l-E-C-R-A-N" "K-l-E." " I give up." "You must pay the forfeit with a kiss." "No, but first you must tell me!" "What is the difference between a thistle and a kiss?" " The forfeit comes first." " Oh no it doesn't!" " I tell you it does!" " And I tell you goodnight." "Murdoch, my son!" "I know, Father." "I must never again let a pretty face divert me from my true purpose." "But it's been such a long long time since I saw one as nice as that..." "Everything's all right." "The American came back." "He's in there with Master Donald now." "Fergus is with them." " Good morning, Donald." " Hello." " Is my father still there?" " Yes." "You want to see him?" "Wait." "I'd like to have a few words with you first." "I like people who do crazy things." " Crazy things?" "Like dressing up and pretending to be a ghost." "You know, you had me almost scared for a minute last night." "Oh, had I?" "And when I saw you in that magnificent costume, with the tartan over your shoulder and a big silver buckle..." "A silver buckle?" "Oh yes, you thought he looked..." "I looked well in that?" "Oh, much more handsome than you do now." "And gayer, too." "Are you going to tell me the answer?" " To what?" " The riddle you asked me, about the kiss and the thistle?" "Oh, no, no, I can't tell you now." "I guess I'll never know the answer until I pay the forfeit." "Well..." "Here it is!" "And now what's the answer?" "Oh no, you can't have the answer yet." "But I paid for it!" "Do you think one kiss is enough for the secret mysteries of Glourie Castle?" "Oh no." "That's only the beginning of the thought." "But what else must I do?" "Well you'll find out later, Peggy." "Only now I'm busy." "Go and talk to your father, he's in there." "Later." "Plus 9 pounds, 3 shillings and 6 pence for last night's dinner." "Plus 4 pounds for my shirt stud." "Remember it's an heirloom of solid gold!" "Here's the grand total." "Oh yes." "I see." "But you can ask for a bit more than that." "The difference will be yours." "Don't you think just once how marvelous it will be for us to have a real old castle of our own?" "All right." "But I won't go one penny over 10,000 pounds." "Fine!" "I'll go tell Donald!" " No." "I'll tell him." " Mr. Martin, I thought it over..." "Don't make it too hard, Donald." "I want it so much." " I know you do, Peggy." "But I'm afraid my last price can't be lower than... 2,388 pounds." " How much did you say?" "Here it is." "Well..." "That's pretty steep." "But I'll take it." "When can we start tearing it down?" " Tearing what down?" "Why, the whole works!" "We're going to crate it up, stone by stone, and panel by panel, and ship it to America." "You can't do that!" "Glourie Castle belongs here, where it's always been!" "I'll tell you what I'll do:" "I'll give you a contract to come to America and supervise every detail of the reconstruction." "Then..." " No!" "I'll never sell it on those terms." " Donald, please accept the offer." " I can't." " Come to America." " No!" " With us." "No." "This is the castle I was telling you about." "I'm taking it back home, stone by stone, and panel by panel." "In fact, I've got some of the paneling crated up right here on this ship." "A much finer specimen than that dinky little chateau of yours." "Oh, Donald!" "Shake hands with Mr. Bigelow." " How do you do." " How do you do." "I was just looking for Peggy." "She's around here someplace with that young Count." "Mr. Bigelow is the man I was telling you about." "He bought a chateau." "Mr. Glourie used to own my castle." "So you're the castle salesman, huh?" "Congratulations." "And if you ever want a job in my sales force, it's yours." "Thank you very much." "If you'll excuse me, I'll go and find Peggy." "What's the idea of congratulating him and then offering him a job?" "I'm always on the lookout for brilliant young men who can sell anything." "That darn dog!" " Are you hurt?" " No, I'm all right." "By the way, have you met?" " Mr. Donald Glourie, Count Olivero." " How do you do." " How do you do." "That wretched dog has run loose again." "Donald, would you mind?" "Certainly." " You play ping-pong?" " No, my brain could never work fast enough." "No, your game is Spell Me a Riddle!" "What's Spell Me a Riddle?" "You know better than I do." " Are you ready?" " Yes." "Listen to me, Ed Bigelow!" "I'll tell you something about this castle." "It's said to have a ghost." " Said to have?" "Yes, sir." "And I'll bet that's more than you've got with that little old chateau of yours." " And have you seen the ghost?" " No, but..." " And do you know anyone who has seen it?" " No, but I can..." "I knew it." "Very clever the Scotch." "Very clever indeed!" "COSTUME BALL Prizes Will Be Given For The Best Costumes" "Yes, Father, yes." "But I don't know where I am." "Father, father!" "What is this strange place?" "Where am I?" "On board ship, my son." "On your way to America." "But Father, I don't want to go to America!" "I don't want to become a confounded colonist." "You have to go my son, with the old Glourie Castle which you dishonored," "even to America." "Donald." "When you've rebuilt Glourie Castle in Florida..." " Yes?" " Why not live in it?" "You'll want to live there yourself, won't you?" "And more." "Peggy, do you know at this moment I'm a pauper?" "What's a pauper?" "A man who wants something terribly and can't afford even to say so." "Terribly, Donald?" "More than that." "Oh I think it's lovely..." "I mean, awful." "Poor Donald." "Hasn't it got cold?" "You like a rug?" "I'll ask you a riddle!" "Yes?" "What's the difference betwixt a thistle in the heather and a kiss in the dark?" "Now you must answer." "K-I" "L-L-I-E" "I give up Donald, and I pay the forfeit." "Murdoch!" "My son!" "It's really too cold out here." "I'm going in." " You like to play a game?" " It all depends." "Well I'll ask you a riddle, and if you can't tell me the answer by the time" "I've spelt "Killiecrankie", you must pay me a forfeit." "Now what's the difference betwixt a thistle in the heather and a kiss in the dark?" "Now wait a minute, my dear, give me time to think." "K-l-L-L- l-E-C-R-A-N-K-l-E." " I've seen you before." " Yes, I think you have." "We played games together." "Yes, you're very fond of games, aren't you?" " I love them." " But you always seem to play the same one." "It's only a means to an end." "I understand, and I apologize." " Apologize for what, dear lady?" " For having misjudged you." " Your champagne, Peggy." " Oh yes." "Let's go inside." "It's suddenly become very cold." "I'm shivering." "Goodbye, Donald." " But I'm not Donald!" "No, you're not the Donald I thought you were." "Now go tell somebody else the answer to a riddle!" "Oh look!" "Look!" "Look at the Scotchman, isn't he marvelous?" "Who are you, beautiful Highlander?" "I am a ghost." "I am the ghost of Glourie Castle." "If you please sir, look this way!" "Won't be a moment." "Now, smile!" "Smile?" "Why?" "Take that infernal machine away!" " What happened?" " I don't know." " Where is he?" " He's disappeared!" " What the..." " The most amazing thing I've ever seen!" "Wake up!" "The most unusual thing has happened!" "Elmer!" "Wake up!" "The man that appeared in the ballroom, they say he's a ghost!" "I just saw him disappear!" "Why did you wake me up after midnight with a silly story like this?" "Isn't it All Fools Day today?" "I haven't touched liquor the whole night." "He walked right through me, I tell you!" "Donald!" "I don't want you to come in here!" "Get out!" "I'm sorry Peggy, but I can't wait any longer to explain that..." "I told you there's nothing to explain!" "Get out!" "Now listen to me, Peggy." "One thing I will not accept, and that is your complete misunderstanding of what has happened." "Did you see someone in an ancient Scottish costume?" " I saw you in hurdle!" " No you didn't!" "I know it isn't easy to believe, but what you really saw wasn't a man of flesh and blood at all, it was..." "A ghost!" "A ghost!" "There's a ghost on this ship!" " Where?" "Of course there is, Mrs. Martin." "I won't have your horrible castle!" "You can take back every one of your cursed stones!" " Mother, be quiet!" " And you can keep the money too." " It's all you wanted of us." " Come on..." " What's the trouble?" " Ask him, ask him!" " Your wife's seen the ghost." " Nonsense." "Let's have a drink." " It's the truth, Mr. Martin." "The ghost of Glourie Castle's on this ship." "And that Miss Shepperton tells me that she saw him too!" "Out of consideration for your wife's feelings," "I think we better call the deal off." "What?" "Just because a couple of nervous women thought they were seeing something?" "But they did!" "You've got to believe it!" "I'll believe it when I see the ghost myself." "Now you run along Donald and leave Mrs. Martín to me." "All right." " I'll fix everything." " All right." "Excuse me, sir." "Can you tell me where the ghost is?" " You'd really like to see him?" " Yes, sir." "Newspapers all over the world will be wanting photographs." "I'll do my best." "Murdoch!" "Now get your camera ready." "He may be here at any moment." "Good evening, Donald Glourie." "Good evening, Murdoch." "Are you afraid of me?" "I haven't been afraid of you since I was a child." "I want to tell you that I'm gravely dissatisfied with that which has come to pass." "You are dissatisfied?" "I suppose you know you've ruined my one chance to do something with my life." "Your life?" "Ha!" "Wait until you've been through some centuries, as I have." "Haunting, looking for something, and never finding it." "Say, Donald, I want to..." "Say." "Now I'm seeing things!" "No, Mr. Martin." "There really are two of us." "Allow me to introduce my ancestor, Murdoch Glourie." "Ancestor?" "Yes, my good man." "I am the Glourie ghost." "No." "You're kidding!" "Who is this strange spoken fellow?" "This is the new owner of Glourie Castle." "He's going to rebuild it in America." "Aren't you, Mr. Martin?" "Yes." "Stone by stone, and panel by panel." "Good." "It will be pleasant to have a home again." "Goodnight, my friend." "Here, Mr. Martin." "Sit down, sit down." "Have a drink of the best." "Yes, a drink of the best." "Try another whisky." "But Mrs. Martin thinks differently, so there's nothing to do but tear up the contract." "Breaks my heart to do it, but my wife's wishes are sacred!" "Mr. Glourie, again I congratulate you." "And you too, Joe." "The wireless is humming with news of the phantom." "It'll be a big story in New York, but don't think you can fool me with any publicity stories about your haunted castle!" "It isn't publicity, and it isn't my castle anymore." "I've given it back to him." " Is this true?" " Yes, I'm afraid it is." " My wife made me do it." " Well..." "I don't mind telling you, Mr. Glourie, that I'd be interested in buying your castle!" "And your performing ghost." "Really?" "For how much?" "Have a cigar." "Wait!" "I accept, but no one ever paid so much for a front-page story about a ghost." "Front-page story?" "What are you doing?" "The whole of America is going to learn that a ghost has crossed the Atlantic to advertise the superior merit of the Bigelow chain..." "What?" "You want to use the ghost of my castle for your nasty cheap publicity?" "Tough luck Joe." "You never should have let it go." " Have you sold it to him?" " I thought you didn't want it." "Who says I didn't want it?" "How much is this crook willing to pay you for it?" "100,000 dollars precisely." "Some will say I've been over generous, but that's the way I am." " I'll give you 125,000!" " Look here Joe, you can't do that." "See here:" "My daughter discovered this place, and I won't have her discovery exploited to advertise Bigelow's chain groceries!" "But your wife will never consent." "My wife has nothing to do with this now." "This is business." "All America will soon know that a ghost just crossed the Atlantic to advertise the superior quality of Martin's Fine Foods!" "CITY WELCOMES HAUNTED SHIP" "WILL HEALTH DEPT PUT GHOST IN QUARANTINE?" "THREE GHOSTS SEEN ON BOAT" "GHOST INVASION FROM THE OLD WORLD" "The Congress of the United States of America has the duty to call the attention of every American citizen to this outrage." "To import a ghost into our progressive country, to allow a spirit to pervade the free air of the United States which might be acceptable in the effete atmosphere of the British House of Lords, but not here." "Yes, my noble Lords." "The fairest flowers of Scottish architecture are being uprooted from their native soil to be replanted in an alien land where the very spirit of Scotland has been prohibited for years." "Not enough this, my noble Lords, not only our castles, but also our ancestors, who are being shipped over to please the fancy of a millionaire who apparently has no ancestors of his own." "Not enough gentlemen, the importation of an alien building, but an alien ghost is also being imported." "What do our immigration authorities say about this?" "What does the great city of New York say?" "They accord a civic welcome to this relic of medieval superstition..." "BIGELOW GROCERIES" "Watch out!" "Hey!" "What are you doing in here?" "Hands up or I'll shoot!" "Father!" "Yes, my son?" "I don't like America." "It's worse than the day of the battle." "Then I will allow you to remain invisible until the opportunity comes for revenge." "But if it never comes?" "That is your eternal misfortune." "WELCOME TO SUNNYMEDE, FLORIDA'S LITTLE PARADISE" "THE SCOTCH GHOST SNUBS AMERICA" "THE GHOST IN A KILT FAILS TO APPEAR AFTER HIS SHOWY ARRIVAL" "I never dreamed they'd be able to make it look so nice and new." "But I only hope that horrible old ghost hasn't found out where they put it." "Don't worry." "He'd never be able to recognize it with all those palm trees." "There's Father!" "Hello, Dad!" "Don't I look like a real Scotsman now?" "Well, almost." "You're pretty good at controlling your enthusiasm, but I'm glad you changed your mind and came down to the big inaugural ceremony." "I didn't come down for that." "I came to see you." "But what's the idea of the gondola?" "That's just sort of a European touch." "Look at that chandelier!" "I had it made especially in Bridgeport, Connecticut." "It's a lot better than all those old smelly candles, eh?" "Don't you think we've done a wonderful job of the reconstruction?" "Yes Donald, I think you've done fine." "The modern improvements were all Mr. Martin's idea." "But have you really got rid of that ghost?" "We've done much better than that!" "We've trained him." "Eh, Donald?" "Even so, I do not want him in my house." "What's that?" "Nothing to be scared of, Honey." "Here." "It's a radio." "Kind of cute, eh, Donald?" "I'm afraid I don't fully understand the meaning of the word "cute"." "Say, you sound to me like another one of those enthusiasm controllers." "Like Peggy." "She don't like my hat." " Is Peggy here?" " Yes, just arrived." "Well, come on Gladys." "I'll show you around." "It's going to be absolutely the most magnificent illumination in the history of Florida." "Are you coming, Donald?" "Thanks, I'll join you later." "What are you saying?" "Open the window!" "You were right, Peggy!" "I should never have let them turn this castle of mine into an advertisement for groceries!" "I've made a fool of myself Peggy, and all because I love you!" "If I could talk as well as Murdoch," "I'd have told you long ago that I love you, but now I must go, and all I'll be able to say is "goodbye"." "But I want you to hear that!" "What was that, Donald?" "What were you saying?" "Well..." "I was..." "Donald, the moat is leaking into the wine cellar." "Come and have a look." "All right, Mr. Martin." "I was only trying to tell you that tomorrow I must go." "Donald!" "WILL THE GHOST SHOW HIMSELF?" "CASTLE INAUGURATION TONIGHT." "PSYCHIC SOCIETY INVITED TO VERIFY THE EXISTENCE OF JOE MARTIN'S GHOST." "Now we better rehearse that again." "Now you understand?" "When I say, "Silence, dont you hear a strange noise?"" " Yes, sir." " Careful." "Silence!" "Don't you hear a strange noise?" "That sounded perfect, Bondsdale." "Donald, you stop behind that chair..." "Yes?" "What do I do then?" "You say something like..." ""Joseph J. Martin and guests, I greet you."" "I'm sorry Mr. Martin, but the Glourie ghost wouldn't come here especially to extend greetings." "Well okay, say whatever you think's suitable." "But you better run on along and get dressed now, because it's 10:30, and the supper will be starting soon." "And remember!" "You don't come in until you hear the tray fall, on the line:" ""Don't you hear a strange noise"." "That's right." "You've got it." " Who is it?" " Are they going to stop?" "Mr. Bigelow, do you care to make a statement?" " What kind of a statement?" " We're going to broadcast these events tonight." " Very interesting." "The radio audience wants all possible angles on the ghost." "I'll tell you boys, my angle is this:" "When my good friend Joe Martin bought this castle from Mr. Donald Glourie, it was understood that a ghost went with it." "You see, Mr. Donald Glourie is a Scotchman, and the Scotch are a clever race." "Then I can quote you with saying that the ghost is a fraud?" "I'm not saying that." "Not precisely that." "Mr. Martin, if you don't mind my saying so," "I don't think that costume is quite appropriate to a serious scientific meeting like this." "Why, what do you mean?" "I have to be faithful to the spirit of this old castle, don't I?" "And besides, I know of no one in the United States who has a better right than me to a geniuine Scotch costume." " Good eveining, Joe." " Hello, Ed." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. E. L. Bigelow, who does not believe in ghosts." "Say, why did you put on a disguise?" "In honor of your friend, the ghost!" "Let me tell you, Ed Bigelow," "Tonight's meeting is scientific." "It is not a fancy dress party." "I'm quite aware, Joe, of the importance of the gathering, but why your own disguise?" "I've just been explaining that no one in the United States has a better right." "And now folks, we're going to hear some real Scotch music!" "Dad!" "Hello." "Oh, you're all dressed up." "Are you coming downstairs?" "I might come down later." "Is Donald there?" "No, he's...gone." "Gone?" "Where?" "I don't know." "Away." "But he didn't tell me he was leaving tonight." "You see, he was in a hurry." "And so am I." "Are you really coming down?" "No, I don't think I will, now I..." "I think you're right." "It will be terribly dull." "Goodnight, Peggy." " Goodnight, Dad." "Well Donald, they're all here, including Ed Bigelow." "We're going to have a fine time." " Fine for you perhaps but for me..." "All you've got to do is come in, look like the ghost, and then leave." "I know." "But it makes me feel such a fool." "You're not backing out, are you?" "Oh no." "I promised to do it and I shall do it, to the best of my ability." "I have a little present for you here." "Look." "Oh yes." "Thanks very much." "But I haven't been able to get any whisky out of it." "I don't believe you examined it very closely." "Nice idea, isn't it?" "You like it?" " Oh yes, I love it." "I can hardly wait to see Ed Bigelow's face when you blow in!" "Now that's enough!" "That's enough!" "The music is beautiful, but we mustn't have too much of it." "That's true, but why do you have any at all?" "You don't know about that." "You see, it's an old Scots' custom during dinner." " I don't see Mr. Donald Glourie." " No, he's...he's gone away." "I see." "I thought perhaps that empty chair at the end of the table had been saved for him." "That chair has been reserved for our guest of honor:" "Murdoch Glourie, who died 200 years ago." "Murdoch!" "Murdoch Glourie!" "Aren't you afraid of Murdoch Glourie?" "I couldn't be afraid of anyone I've known for such a long time." "I'd like to talk to you, Murdoch Glourie." "And what can a beautiful young girl have to say to a dreary old ghost?" "When I first saw you that night in the old castle," "I didn't know what..." "Who you were." "Do you remember?" " Yes, I remember, Peggy." "That's the first time you've called me by my name." "But when you say it, it sounds as if you're really Donald." "But if he were speaking to you, you wouldn't listen." "He won't speak to me again." "He's gone." "He wasn't very much interested in me." " I think you're mistaken, Peggy." " How do you think that?" "Well, because I know him." "He's one of those stupid men who are afraid to be sincere." "He thought you were laughing at him." "I guess I was stupid too." "I couldn't say what was in my heart." "But if he were to come back and say what's in his heart, that he loves you?" "If he loved me, he wouldn't have gone away without saying a word to me." "But he wants to say a lot of words to you, and he may not be very far from here." "What would you say to him, Peggy?" "I would tell him that I love him." "But he won't come back." "He will come back Peggy!" "I promise you!" "Silence!" "Don't you hear a strange noise?" "He's seen him!" "The butler's seen him!" "Look sharp everybody, he's about to appear." " Quiet, please be quiet." " I don't see a thing!" " No, but you will." " I've got my glasses on, but I don't see anything unusual." " Where is he?" "That's funny," "I distinctly heard sounds like rattling of chains and moaning." " Chains and moaning?" " Yes, possibly the ghost was just passing near here." "But he'll be back later." "Maybe the phantom's wristwatch is slow and he doesn't know it's past midnight." "Why don't you send one of the servants to page him?" "We are bringing you a broadcast of the big reception for the famous phantom of Glourie Castle." "Outstanding amongst the guests is Mr. E. L. Bigelow, who expresses the opinion that the whole ghost story is no more than a gigantic hoax." "Mr. Bigelow has made personal investigations which indicate that the Glouries are not really a great Scotch family." "Mr. Bigelow follows this with several other accusations against Mr. Martin and Mr. Donald Glourie." "He has asked us however not to make these public until the end of tonight's experiment..." "What's the matter, Joe?" "Do you hear some more groans or moans or clanking?" "The ghosts is here somewhere, but I guess he got lost." "I'll go and find him myself." " Try whistling for him." "Why, Donald!" "I thought that you were gone." "There's been some mistake." "In fact, a rather serious mistake." "Ladies and gentlemen, I think I can inform you that we shall see no phantom tonight." "Forgive me Mrs. Martin, but there's something I must say to Mr. Bigelow." "Go ahead and say it my friend." "I'm listening." "It had better be said outside." "Then I'm afraid you'll have to wait until I'm ready to leave." "I see that you and Joe are wearing the same tartan." "Do you belong to Martin's Fine Foods' clan?" "Don't you talk to him about tartans!" "He's a real Scotsman." "Possibly, but I happen to be connected with a family far more important than the Glouries." "I've never heard of the clan Bigelow." "No, this tartan belongs to the clan of my mother's ancestors, of which I am the last representive." "It's the tartan of the distinguished clan MacLaggan." " Did you say MacLaggan?" " Yes, MacLaggan." "Take your hands off me!" "Murdoch!" "Murdoch!" "Did you hear that?" "Where is this MacLaggan?" "Right there." "The fellow with the kilt." "Very good joke, Mr. Glourie." "Very amusing, indeed!" "Get away from me!" "MacLaggan!" "I told you to get away from me!" "I don't like practical jokes!" "You're not scaring me." "Turn, MacLaggan!" "Now, will you have the goodness to repeat these words after me?" "Yes sir." "Yes sir." "Anything you say, sir!" "In the name of every MacLaggan whoever disgraced the fair name of Scotland..." "In the name of every MacLaggan whoever disgraced the fair name of Scotland..." "I humbly apologize for the insult to my superiors, the Glouries." "I humbly apologize for the insult to my superiors, the Glouries." "And I freely admit that one Glourie" "can thrash 50 MacLaggans." "Can thrash 50 MacLaggans." "Now, touch the floor with your nose." "Farewell, last of the MacLaggans." "Father!" "Father!" "Is that enough?" "Yes, my son!" "Your mission is fulfilled, and now if you wish, you may join your noble ancestors in Heaven." "I do wish, for I have grown very very weary of this earth." "Thank you Donald, for finding me a MacLaggan." "It was a pleasure, Murdoch." "And now I suppose you'll be leaving us." "Yes, I'm very happy to go." "I leave you now to defend the honor of our great name." "Farewell, last of the Glouries." "Farewell, kinsman." "Now smile, smile." "The reporters are here." "They want you to make a statement about that famous fraud, the Glourie ghost." "Is it true that you saw it, Mr. Bigelow?" "What did he look like?" " Did he say anything?" " Did he do anything?" "Leave him alone, he's not feeling so good." "Come now, I want you to see absolutely the finest display in the history of Florida, provided by Martin's Fine Foods." "And now Donald, why don't you tell me the answer to the riddle?" "I can't tell you the answer, but for the honor of the Glouries, I must give you back the forfeit."