"No, don't!" "Stop it!" "Step off!" "Step back!" "Fuck!" "This is yours now!" "This is your life!" "What use are you?" "This ain't worth it!" "Fuck it!" "Fuck everyone!" "It's fine." "I mean, you want me to call anyone?" "Nah, no, no." "I..." "Just have to, uh... won't be here long." "Um..." " Clover, you're..." " No, I..." "I'm fine." " Yeah." " I'm fine." "Well, let me know about the funeral, won't you?" "Yeah, of course." "Now, if there's anything else I can do..." "Can you make it my dad instead of my brother?" "Can you make that happen?" "Just trying to help, Clover." "Right, then." "Take care." "You you came!" "Bloody good show, Clover." "Well done, that girl." "What's all the mess?" " Did you have a party?" " Yes." "Yes, for Harry." "Why?" "Well, his taking over the farm." "Harry didn't tell me you'd given him the farm." "You... you didn't want to come, did you, to the party?" "You never want to come." "Well, you're here now." "Stay for the funeral." "Of course." "What's this?" "Home." " Since when?" " Since the house flooded." "Our very own refugee camp." "But that was months ago." "Bloody insurance company wouldn't pay out." "What happened?" "Helen wouldn't say." "He took..." "He was..." "Oh, gun in the loo." " But..." " Everyone was plastered." " He shot himself?" " It was a bloody stupid accident." "Hello." "Aubrey?" "Oh, James." "Just wanted to check see if you needed anything." "Isn't he wonderful, Clover?" "James came to check on us." "He's a rock, a bloody rock." "Has anyone heard a forecast?" "I'm sure they said it was gonna rain." " You hear that, James?" " Yes, sir." "Probably think about digging some ditches, shouldn't we?" "I can talk to some of the others." "Good boy." "Aubrey said it was an accident." "What did the police say?" "Did they find a note?" "You know as much as I do." "Was it still loaded?" "I didn't know it was still loaded." "Well, it must have been." "It blew his face off." "Can you pull over?" "Pull over now." "Sorry." "It's fine." "Oh, Harry." "Milo?" "What are you doing in there?" "Aubrey?" "Clever boy, Milo." "Oh." "Bloody animal." "Wonder where he got to." "He was locked in the shed." "Must have been in there for days." "He was starving." "There was shit everywhere." " What was he doing in there?" " Can't find a shirt." " Did you put him in there?" " No, I bloody didn't." "If we get an animal like that at the practice, Aubrey, we call the police." "Oh, perhaps someone shut him in during the party." "He's a bugger around sausages." "Look, we've got to sort out this funeral." "Um the morgue wants to know about the, uh, date and our wishes." " Later." " So..." "We need to milk the cows." "Get your wellies on." "I didn't bring any wellies!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Go on." "Hey!" "Come on." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "Wait." "Wait." "Hang on." "Hang on." "Hang on." "Get it straight." "See?" "Spread 'em out." "Right hand." "Right hand." "You remember." "Yeah, feel for it." "Feel for it." "Ah, come on." "Milo." " Should I take these ones back to the field?" " No, into the barn." " What?" "Why?" " Hatfield's coming to take them away." "You selling stock?" "How many?" "Just half the herd." "Keep some bloodline." "Build it up again." " But you're keeping the pregnant ones?" " No." "He's taking those." " I hope you're getting double the price." " It's all sorted." "You don't have to worry your little head about it." "They're here in the barn waiting." "Thought you said noon." "Don't think I'm wrong." "Call me back." "Cheers, Roger." "Was this Harry's idea?" "The sale?" "Need the money." "The stock is our only asset." "We sell the stock." "We get the money." "The farm is saved." "Harry gets the farm." "We have a party." "Everyone's happy." "I don't think Harry was happy." "It was just a bloody stupid accident." "Catto here." "Yeah." "That's right." "Canceled?" "What?" "Yeah, well, Harry was in charge, but he should've run that by me." "Course we want to sell them." "Yeah, check." "Do that." "Call me back." "It's canceled?" "Bloody idiots, they've screwed up somewhere." "Harry would never have done that." "Maybe he did." "Don't be so stupid." "I'm not stupid." " What?" "What are you on about?" " Stop calling me stupid." "I've got 4 "A" levels, 2 degrees, and I'm about to be fully qualified as a vet." "I'm not bloody stupid." "So are we leaving the stock up here or are we taking 'em out to the field?" "It's your farm." "Bloody marvelous." "Oh." " You all came." "Bloody marvelous." " You want some digging done?" "Damn right." "Uh, you know what you're doing, where you're going?" " Afraid the bloody digger's buggered." " We brought spades." "Good man." "Let me take you up there." "Uh, sort this, will you?" "I'll walk the boys up to the site." "Hello." "Are you, uh... are you Mrs. Catto?" "Uh, Clover." "What's going on?" "We've released the licensed weapons." "I've got 'em here as well as Harry's clothes and things." " What weapons?" " There's shotguns." "We had to take 'em away on the night, but we've, uh... we've released 'em now." "Right." "You need to lock them up." "This was round his neck." "Don't know if you..." "Do you have a day for the funeral yet?" "Not yet." "You're not waiting for us, are you?" "Well, um..." "There will be an inquest as with all suicides, but there won't be any further investigation if that's what you're worried about." "So you're ruling it a suicide, not an accident?" "I..." "I mean, it's not official yet, but..." "Steady." "Stop laughing as well." "Oh, fuck." " How does it feel?" " Like tiny butterflies kissing my wrist." "Fuck." "So we never forget." "Yeah." "Only moving 200 cattle off our land in four foot of water at 2:00 in the morning." "Then, fuck, for you, man." "Your tur..." "Steady." "Stop laughing as well." "Oh, fuck." " So were you at the party, then?" " Yep." "Is that where you got the shiner?" "Was Harry happy about getting the farm?" " Was a pretty big deal for him, wasn't it?" " Yeah, of course." "I mean, finally Aubrey trusted him." "He's not the easiest dad in the world." "Harry was really chuffed." "I think maybe Aubrey was still trying to run the farm with the sale and everything, like he didn't trust Harry?" "Is that why he canceled the sale, do you think?" "He had other plans?" "What's that?" "I don't know." "Think we should just smooth around and carry on." "Hang on." "Is that a badger?" "Jesus Christ." " There are more." " Can you tell what happened to them?" "They've been shot." "For fuck's sake." "No, Milo!" "Oh, can you get him away?" "Could you just go lock him up somewhere?" "Where are you going?" "You're not going to call the police, are you?" "Fucking Aubrey." "Fuck!" "Very well." "Bye." "Where are you going?" "Roger needs some more paperwork for this damn sale." " They think you're hiding something, do they?" " Oh, don't be so bloody ridiculous." "I just found dead badgers buried out the back." " What?" "Where?" " Shot dead." "Killing badgers is the fastest bloody way to get thrown in clink." "I'm not that stupid." "Okay, fine." "You know best." "I didn't have the keys to the gun cupboard." "I gave them to Harry about 6 months ago." "Harry?" "Well, he wouldn't." "He's not stupid." "He... he isn't that stupid." "Frankly, the only stupid thing he's done is burying them." "He should've burned the bloody things." "If they'd had T.B., we'd be buggered!" "The police say it was suicide." "Accidental death." "You don't accidentally put a gun in your mouth." " You weren't here." " James was, and he agrees." "But he didn't mean to shoot himself." "I'd just given him the farm, for God's sake." "Did he say anything to you?" "About what, the bloody badgers?" "He was a grown-up." "Before he shot himself." "He was drunk!" "Your first letter from boarding school." "You wrote it to Sandy, because you were cross with me." "Sandy?" "The dog Sandy?" "The one you shot." ""Please tell Daddy that I have to eat corned beef here and it's not beef at all."" ""It's bloody freezing here and my socks all have holes in them."" "I hated boarding school." "No, you didn't." "Harry hated boarding school." " He never went." "He got to stay here." " He did." "He went for a term." "Cried the whole time." "Came back home to the farmyard happy as a pig in shit." "You loved it there." ""Give mummy a big lick from me and tell her I'll be home soon."" "The riding, too." "You were pony mad." " Kept me busy, didn't it?" " Hmm?" "Nothing." "When did you leave the army?" "Uh, my father got ill." "My mother was dead." "Your mother wanted to have children, so we came back to the farm." " They're good places for children, farms." " What about you?" "Didn't you want children?" "Of course I did." "Only if they were like you." "Well, I got that, didn't I?" "Bloody hell." "I never knew what made my mother so angry until I heard you telling me how to run my farm." "You were impossible." "Never met such a born farmer." "So you gave the farm to Harry?" "You left." "You told me to go." " No, I didn't." " Yeah, you did." "I was 18." "You told me to get the hell out of here and then nothing." " No phone call." "No apology." " You were being bloody impossible." "I was 18." "Exactly." "You weren't in charge." " It was my farm." " You expected my respect?" "Yes, I bloody expected your respect." "I was your father." "You were the man who left me at boarding school when my mother died." "Didn't bring me home for her funeral." "What's that got to do with it?" "That was years before." "So it didn't matter?" "Was it better to forget about it?" "My mother?" "Yes, Clover, yes." "That's how it works." "You have to forget about it and then move on." "And change the subject every time she's mentioned?" "You have to get up, get out of bed and milk the bloody cows." "You sure this thing's up here?" "I shouldn't think so for a minute." "Should we go, then?" "Hi." "Mr. Jones?" "It's Clover." "Hi." "Uh I'm okay." "Uh, it's fine." "Um, I just, uh..." "I've just found some badgers on the farm." "Dead ones, shot." "Um I just wondered if..." "I know." "I know." "I just, um I need them off the farm." "I..." "could you ask animal health if they..." "No, no... not the police." "Um, please." "You'll be my best friend." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Right." "Clover." " It's me, Helen." " Helen." "How are you doing?" "I'm so sorry, my love." "How are you?" "Did you do all this?" "Oh, well, it was a big occasion Harry finally getting the farm." "Lovely for everyone, really, after the year we've had." " Were you here?" " No." "No, I'd gone to bed by then." "Bit late for me." "This is for you and your dad." "Shepherd's pie." "Stew." "Easy stuff." "Don't worry about the Tupperware." "I'll get that back whenever." "Okay." "Do you need anything else, my love?" "I'm all set." "Helen." "Thanks for calling me." "Aubrey wouldn't have thought to." "He asked me to ring you." "You're never far from his thoughts." "Thank you." "Look who I found." " Hi." " Hi." "I thought he could do with some grub." "Been working like a packhorse out there." " I just need the loo." " Oh." "Light a match, will you?" " I saw Helen." "She gave us some food." " Did she?" "Oh, good." " I'm starving." "What have we got?" " Shepherd's pie and stuff, I think." "Want a drink?" " Want a drink, James?" " It's a bit early for me." " Come on." "We've got, um..." " Shepherd's pie." "Shepherd's pie." "Oh, come on, Harry." "Don't be such a girl." "You be mum." "Mmm." "Where's yours?" " I don't eat meat, Aubrey." " This isn't meat." "This is Shepherd's pie." "You can just eat the potato." "There you go." "Just eat the potato." "It's cooked with the meat, though, isn't it?" "Vegetables scream." "Do you know that?" "They do." "They scream blue murder when they're being chopped down." " That's not true." " Bloody is." " You know that, don't you?" " I heard they swear, too." " In French." " Oh, Mon dieu." "That's what leeks say. "Mm..." "Oh, my roots."" "Like some cheap whore." "Oh, look out." "There you go." "She's eaten some." "Call the papers." "It's just potato." "Look at that smile." "One in a million." "Did you know Harry killed the badgers?" "Yes." "How?" "Did he tell you?" "Did you catch him?" "I helped him shoot them." "Why?" "He asked." "Are you gonna tell the police?" "What happened at the party, James?" "How did he end up in that bathroom?" "Why did you never come home after the floods?" "Well, we talked about it, but Harry told me not to." "He said he was fine, he could manage." " He knew he could ask me anytime." " You know they're broke, don't you?" "The house is a wreck." "Their insurance fucked up." "The land is still full of glass and all kinds of shit from the floods." "What about all of you, then?" "How are they paying all of you?" "They can't be that broke." "No one's paying us." "No one's paid us for months." "Well, it'll be fine." "We're selling stock." "Perfect, so you can sweep in and take over now." "You get everything you always wanted." "What?" " Did Harry say that?" " I gotta go." "So shall we start by choosing the readings?" " Shall I get my Bible?" " No, I came prepared." "Clover, would you like to do a reading?" "Sure." "Fine." "Is there anything particular you want to express?" "Any part of Harry's life you want to honor or anything that you're struggling with?" "Not sure." "Um..." "Don't know what I want to say." "What would you have said about him last week?" "Last week, he wasn't dead and I can't un-know these things about him." "That's the person you're going to miss, isn't it, the one from last week?" "But that person's gone." "And I don't know if he ever really existed." "That person would never have done this." "Would never have killed himself." "When people commit suicide unexpectedly it's natural to want to make sense of their actions but you're also trying to work out your place in that story so maybe what you're struggling with is is about you, not him." "Guilt is incredibly common for survivors of suicides." "I'm not feeling guilt." "I wasn't even here." "Come, Milo!" "Milo, come!" "Come on." "Good boy." "Milo?" "Oh, God." "Oh, shit." "Aubrey." "Hi." "I've got lunch." "What was that petrol doing in the kitchen?" "The place stinks." "What?" "What petrol?" "Did you have to run a generator in there or something?" "How is the river?" "Wet." "We need to talk about the funeral." "About what?" "Are we gonna have people here afterwards?" "Shall I talk to Helen about it?" "Larry's offered the king's arms." "Can do it all there." "And after that, what are you gonna do on the farm?" "You okay to look after it by yourself?" "Because I should get back to college, really, but..." "Aubrey." "Just go." "You always did what you wanted." "No reason to stop now." "What?" "You're not cut out for this." "Fine." "Hi." "Um, we were just working around the back ad there's a new calf there." " Where?" " In the barn." "Oh, bloody hell." "Ah, stupid bloody animals." "She'll be fine." "Ah, well done, girl." "Good job." "Bloody good job." "Seems healthy." " He's breathing well." "Yep." " Excellent." "It's a boy." "What do you want to do, send it to market?" "No use for it here, and Hatfield won't want it." " Best to cull it." " Now?" "You're the vet." " You want me to shoot it?" " Guns are in the cupboard, aren't they?" "Can't we give it a day for them to be together?" "She's gonna be full of hormones and colostrum." "We need that out of her." "Best done as soon as possible." "Don't want them getting attached." "Or I could get one of the boys to do it." " Hi." "What's going on?" " Can I show you something?" "Yeah, sure." "What?" " Where are you going?" " I just want to show you something in here." "Uh, look..." "What, James?" " What's wrong?" " Not that way." "No?" "Why not?" " Not with that torch." " Why not, James?" "Tell me." "Okay." "Let's just go." "So everyone was here." "Aubrey made this big speech about passing it on to Harry future of farming being in our hands." "Then we got drunk." "Really drunk." "We were fire-walking in the back field." "Matilda's lot had laid out the coals." "It was all fun and games till Harry did it." "He wouldn't get off." "He was just standing on the coals beating his chest, and roaring." "Everyone was cheering him on." "I was scared, you know?" "His feet, they were burning." "So I pulled him off, and he punched me." "Which was fucking out of order, you know?" "So I tell him to fuck off, and he turns to me, and he says..." ""Let's have a drink."" "He chases me through the courtyard." "He's screaming like Superman." "We come in here, and..." "he makes us drink something foul." "And he says he's got something to show me his new plan... his new new plan." "We've had a few plans already." "So I'm a bit fucking fed up with his plans, but, you know it's Harry." "He's my best friend." "So I take a look in the kitchen." "He's got this gleam in his eye, like, "This is it." "This is everything."" "He wants to burn the house down." "He says, "If we do it tonight, we can say we didn't know and it might have been the party, and we'll get the insurance from the house and all the money problems will be over."" "He was out of his fucking mind." "Told him no way." "I told him, it'd never work and he'd get locked up." "Told him we probably should get locked up, and he grabbed my face, and he spat at me." "I took the matches from him, and I told him that was it he was on his own." "He yelled something at me." "I can't remember now." "And then what?" "I don't know." "I saw him talking to Aubrey, and then he disappeared." "To Aubrey?" "What was he talking about?" "I couldn't hear." "Aubrey was giving him an earful as usual." "Then I heard a bang." "You found him?" "So Aubrey was the last person to talk to him." "Wasn't your fault, James." "What?" "Don't blame yourself." "Fuck you." "That would be marvelous." "Thank you." "Yes." "Uh 11:00 Friday, All Saints church." "Yeah." "Thank you, Bridget." "James says you were talking to Harry at the party." " What?" " Before he shot himself." "James says you were talking to Harry, and then he shot himself." " What did you say?" " For God's sake, Clover." "We were talking all night." "It was a party." "So you can't remember the last thing you said to your son before he killed himself?" "I don't want this to be your fault!" "We are not just gonna sit here and pretend that this didn't happen that it's okay not to talk about it, not again." "Or maybe you can just put your family in the ground one by one and not give a shit." "Get out." "Get out now!" "Get the hell out!" "Hello." "Can I help you?" "Hello, my love." "Animal Health, here to collect the animals." " Oh!" "I can just take you to them." " Got all the details here..." " ..." "list of all the reactives." " What?" "Oh, the infected cattle, the one's we're collecting." " The cattle?" " Yes, my love." " I thought you were here for the badgers." " Badgers?" "What badgers?" "They have T.B.?" "Is there someone in charge around here?" "What happened?" "Apparently they sent the results last week to Harry." "See why he canceled the sale." "Why didn't he tell you?" "I better call Roger, tell him it's all over." "Aubrey." "Aubrey?" "Milo." "Where's Aubrey, Milo?" "Where is he?" "Good boy, Milo." "And you will pass my number on to James?" "It would just, uh it would really just be great just to talk to him before tomorrow." "He is coming tomorrow, isn't he?" "Okay." "Thanks, Sheila." "Okay." "Bye." "Morning." "Do you have a shirt or anything you need ironed?" "Where have you been?" "I was just in bed." "We needed you." "We needed you here." "I know." "Why didn't you come?" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "He should've told me." "He should've told me he needed me." "I asked him." "You knew how soft he was." "You knew he couldn't cope." "You don't wait for him to ask." " I know." " He shouldn't have to call you." "He shouldn't have to ask me to call you." "For Christ's sake." " What?" " I trusted him!" "I gave him the farm." "He promised me he could cope." " What are you talking about?" " He needs you to come home." "What the hell am I supposed to say?" ""Oh, yes, of course you can." "You just go running to Clover." "She'll get you out of it."" "No, I bloody didn't." ""Don't you dare," I said. "Don't you dare."" "You knuckle down, and you deal with it." ""This is your farm now." "This is your life." "You bloody better get on with it, or what use are you?"" "When when did he want to call me?" "During the party?" "It's a bloody ridiculous time to call someone!" "I'll get that." " Morning." " Morning, love." "You ready?" "Just getting ready now." " How's Aubrey holding up?" " He's fine." "I don't know what you have for clothes but it's supposed to rain today and I thought you might like something smart for the church." "Thank you." "That's so kind." "And I just wanted you to take a look at the flowers." "We've all pitched in, but I wanted you to be sure..." " ...that they were what he would've wanted." " I'm sure they're perfect." "Will you come and have a look?" "Yeah, of course." " They're lovely." "Thanks, Helen." " Are you sure?" "'Cause briony put some yellow in hers and I'm not sure what you felt about yellow." "I didn't want them to look weddingy." " Where are you going?" " Just gotta get something from the house." " Morning, Helen." "Lovely flowers." " Morning, Aubrey." "You better get back." "Thank you, Helen." "We'll be over in a minute." "Lovely." "You go and get ready, and I'll see you there." "Daddy!" "Daddy." "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "No, Daddy!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop." "Just stop." "No more." "No more." " It's over." " No." "Stop." "No more." "Daddy, please." "Just go." "Go!" "Go!" "Go live your life!" "I don't want to go." "I..." "I want to stay here." "You want me to go?" "There's nothing left for you here." "You're here." "You're here." "Give me the gun."