"Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan." "They all know me..." "You like my suit?" "Number one" " Citizen Khan." "♪ I am sailing" "♪ I am sailing" "♪ Home again" "♪ To Pakistan." "Hia!" "Sweetie!" "Can't a man have some privacy?" "It's Shazia's dinner tonight." "Others need the bathroom." "But it's my day off!" "Day off from what?" "I'm a busy community leader, my darling!" "I'm always on the go." "Today I am doing absolutely nothing." "I'm having a long soak and then spending the rest of day in my armchair in my birthday suit." "What?" "In the pyjama suit I got for my birthday." "Right." "You know the bath is still leaking?" "We have to call a plumber." "Plumbers cost money, sweetie." "Mrs Tawfiq uses a really nice Polish man." "Maybe you'll call him?" "No!" "Not Polish!" "We need to keep Britain British!" "I'll get a Pakistani in." "Fine, but do it today." "But it's my day off!" "We'll just stop having baths." "What am I supposed to do?" "You can use my water?" "It's a good English tradition." "Just like Victorian times." "(BUBBLING)" "I'm going to make my aloo keema tonight." "Nice and spicy." "Is that OK?" "Oh, yes, please!" "That's great, Mum." "Don't make it too spicy, though." "Matt and Debbie don't like it." "I'm going to ask Debbie to be my maid of honour." "Ah, that's nice." "Now we've put the wedding date to next year, we want to get really organised, don't we, budhoo?" "Yes." "It's going to be my dream wedding." "And Shazia's." "And you won't fight with Amjad's mum, will you?" "No, of course not." "Don't worry, beti, we won't do anything to embarrass you." "Dad!" "What?" " Er..." "This is my birthday gift from my favourite daughter, sweetie." "I gave you socks!" "I know." "Please promise me you're going to change by tonight." "You can't show me up in front of Matt and Debbie!" "Oh, not Matt and Debbie!" "What's so special about those two?" "She's my best friend." "And my boss." "And..." "I'm going to ask her to be my bridesmaid." "Shazia, we Pakistanis don't have bridesmaids." "In our culture, your bride becomes your maid - your housemaid, chambermaid... teasmade!" "It's our wedding, and I can have a bridesmaid if I want." "And so can I!" "This is my house." "And it's my day off." "And if I want to sit in my armchair in my birthday suit in all my glory, then I can." "Why do you think I never bring any friends home?" "Because no-one likes you?" "Don't be so grumpy!" "She's just excited about her wedding." "Remember how exciting our wedding was?" "It was so romantic..." "the sun setting over the hills, the call to prayer echoing around the minarets, the smell of spices hanging in the hazy air." "Yes, there's nowhere quite like the Walsall Trusthouse Forte." "Hey!" "Bugs Bunny!" "(IN URDU) Lakey ow a cuppee et biscoot." "I'll get them, Mummy." "Come on, move." "Nahin!" "This is my chair!" "Move!" "You've got the whole sofa there!" "Let me have my chair." "Come on." " Nahin!" "You want a biscoot?" "Eh?" " You like that, don't you?" "It's your favourite." "Custard creamy." "Haan." "It's right here." "You just have to reach out and take it." "It's OK." "I'll stand all the way over here." "Yes!" "Get in!" "Allahu akbar!" "Here you are." "Here, Papaji, I brought you a newspaper." "Thank you, Alia." "Such a good girl!" "This one is absolutely perfect." "Nothing she could do would ever disappoint me." "That's good, because my exam results have arrived." "I hope she hasn't done badly." "She won't have done badly!" "She's studying at the library till all hours." "Sometimes she doesn't get back till two or three in the morning!" "What does "E" stand for?" "I think it's short for excellent." "Vah!" "She got Es?" "!" "No, only one E." "Oh, thank God!" "The rest are "U" s." "What's that?" "Unbelievably good?" "It means she failed them." "We'll have to send her to the New Muslim Academy." "They'll sort her out." "No, not the New Muslim Academy!" "She can't go there!" "Why not?" "They've got boys there." "So?" "So... we need to protect her." "Alia is an innocent flower." "She knows nothing of the ways of the world." "This is our daughter's education we're talking about." "Don't you remember what you promised me when Alia was born?" "What do you mean?" "Snippy, snippy?" "No!" "You promised you'd do whatever it took to give her the opportunities we never had." "You're right, I'll do it!" "You might want to get changed first!" "Salaam Aliekum, Mr Khan." "Waleikum assalam, Riaz." "Salaam aleikum!" "Omar." "Where's Dave?" "He's not here." "It's an inset day." "What's that?" "Gingerspeak for skiwing?" "Amjad, get on computer." " OK, sir!" "I've decided to send the good daughter to the New Muslim Academy." "You have to pay to go to the Muslim Academy, though." "I always say..." "you can't put a price on education." "That is true." "When I was a young boy in Somalia," "I had to walk seven miles to school every morning." "And in the evening, I would walk seven miles back home again." "Every week, I walked five times two times seven miles." "Which is ten times seven miles." "Which is 70 miles." "So?" "You must know your times tables." "Education is important." "I'm doing evening classes at the moment." "Plumbing for beginners." "I've got to get out of the funeral game." "Why's that?" "People are living longer." "It's a dying business." "Hey!" "You can come round and fix my bath." "It would be good practice for you!" "We haven't done baths yet." "Relax - it's just like a big sink!" "You can come round today." "I don't know." "It's all right." "I won't charge you." "OK, thanks." "This is it, sir." "Vah!" "What do you think?" "Looks impressive, huh?" "Hai, it certainly does." "Right, let's see..." "fees, fees, fees, fees..." "Hai!" "What is it, sir?" " Nothing." "It's just a little bit more than I expected." "How much is it?" "L4,000 a year!" "Oh my!" "Not per year - per term." "But that means it's..." "Three times four." "That's L12,000." "But I can't afford that!" "You said you can't put a price on education." "Well, they're giving it a bloody good go!" "You could try somewhere that does scholarships?" "No, no, no!" "We are Muslims!" "I'm not sending my daughter to an over-priced, snooty-snotty, hoity-toity Hogwarts school for English peoples." "Scholarship means they pay the fees for you." "Amjad, get out of the way!" "Come on, come on!" "The lady said the headmaster will be here in a minute." "What are we doing here?" "We're getting private education Pakistani-style... free!" "But how can I get a scholarship?" "I've failed my exams." "Exams got nothing to do with it." "What?" "You are young." "You don't understand how the world works." "Your father will speak to the headmaster, man to man." "The scholarship will be in the bag, and everything is tickety-boo!" "I don't know if I'll fit in here, Papaji." "Alia... we are just as good as anyone else." "You hold your head high." "Be proud of who you are." "But I thought this place was only for Catholics?" "What?" "Anscombe College - it's a Catholic school." "Oh, twaddi!" "Alia, why don't you take off your coat?" "It's very warm in here." "And maybe take off some of this shiny stuff from hijab, huh?" "We don't want to seem too flashy." "Very good!" "Well done, Alia." "Are we pretending to be Catholic?" "Of course not!" "We're just showing that we can fit in." "Hello, hello!" "I'm sorry to keep you waiting." "Asalaa..." "la la la la... hallelujah!" "It's OK - we like waiting." "Don't we..." "Mary?" "Oh, yeah!" "Patience is a virtue, as I always say." "Yes, yes, quite right!" "Amen." "Yes..." "Sorry, er, Professor Stevens." "Pleased to meet you." "And you are?" "Mr Kha..." "Kha..." "Kha..." "Mr Cardinal." "Mr Cardinal?" "That's it!" " Unusual name." "It's Catholic." "We're Catholics... from Pakistan." "Oh, I didn't know there was a Catholic community there." "Well, we get everywhere, don't we?" "So, how can I help you?" "It's about my daughter..." "I rather thought it might be." "I suppose you must get lots of parents coming in here about their children, huh?" "Is the Pope a Catholic?" "Wait, I know this one!" "No, no..." "Well, yes, I mean, years ago..." "Can we have a scholarship?" "Ah, well... there, I'm afraid, Mr Cardinal, my hands are tied." "I'm sure Mary is a lovely girl, and we'd be happy to have her, but at present, we don't have any scholarship places available." "But you're the head!" "Surely you can pull a stringy?" "You scratch my Catholic back, and I'll scratch yours?" "No, I'm afraid not." "Unless you're the member of a minority religion." "I mean, we do have some discretionary bursaries available for Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs and so forth." "It's a way of maintaining our charitable status, you see." "Hang on, hang on." "That's us!" "We're that one!" "I'm sorry?" "We're Muslims." "We're a very devout Muslim family, aren't we, Alia?" "Mary." "Her real name's Alia." "We call her Mary for short." "But I got the impression you were Catholics." "What?" "No!" "You said your name was Cardinal." "We just say that to make it easier for the English peoples to pronounce." "What is your name?" "Khan." "I see." "We're a very well-known Muslim family in Sparkhill." "Mr Khan, community leader." "They all know me." "Well, be that as it may, Mr Khan," "I'm afraid we already have more minority applicants than we have scholarships, so it's..." " Hang on, let's see that." "What?" "!" "We're more Muslim than these buggers!" "How can you be more Muslim than someone?" "Well... we're a special type of Muslim." "Very obscure and exclusive." "Oh, really?" "What type is that?" "Do you know much about Islam?" "Yes, actually." "Oh, twaddi!" "Yes, I wrote my thesis on Islam and its many forms." "I'm fascinated by the groups and subgroups - the Nizari, the Tayyibi, the Akbari, the Alevi." "Right." "Which one are you?" "Well... we're the... oh... the... oh... the... oh... the OhTwaddis!" "The OhTwaddis?" "That's it!" "I've never heard of them." "Like I said, we're very obscure." "A very teeny, tiny minority." "And very oppressed." "We really deserve a scholarship." "Well, if you're suffering persecution on religious grounds, then perhaps we should try and find a way to help." "Yes!" "Get in!" "Allahu Akbar!" "I'm sorry?" " I mean... we are very persecuted." "No-one likes us." "Not even the other Muslims." "We're different, you see." "In what way?" "Well, it's the praying, for starters." "We do it ten times a day." "Twice as many as your normal Muslims." "And we have to do it standing on one leg... whilst eating a carrot." "The rabbit is very sacred to us OhTwaddis, you see." "Remarkable!" "Right, right... well, let's fill this in." "Great!" "I must say, your whole way of life sounds absolutely fascinating." "I'd love to find out more about it." " Sure." "I'll tell you whatever you want to hear." "Maybe I could come round your house one day, see things at first hand?" "No problem, any time." "You're always welcome!" "What about this evening?" "What?" "Well, tonight... is that any good?" " OK." "Oh, why don't I bring the papers with me and we can fill the forms in then." "Wonderful." "(CLEARS HIS THROAT)" "Mrs Malik, so nice to see you... and so early." "I came as soon as I heard that Alia had failed all her exams." "That's very kind of you." " Not at all." "I knew you'd be devastated and I didn't want to miss it." "But it's fine now because Mr Khan is going to get her into the New Muslim Academy." "Oh, I've brought a present for Shazia." "Really, there was no..." " Really, it's nothing." "Just a token!" "I was worried it wouldn't fit because it's so big and your house is so small." "But it just about gets in!" "Careful, Amjad!" "It's very delicate." "Please, don't get too close." "But a doll!" "It's the doll that was used to carry in the bride at my wedding." "So not that delicate then!" "Matt and Debbie are here!" "Hello!" "I'm Mrs Malik, Amjad's mother." "And I'm Mrs Khan, Shazia's mother." "Welcome to my house." "It's so nice to finally meet you." "Shazia's told us so much about you." "Hey, fella!" "How's it going?" "Pretty good, thanks, fella!" "Something smells delicious!" "Would you like some snacks?" "That would be lovely." "Thank you!" "I love authentic Pakistani cooking." "In that case, it's lucky I brought some." "Mum!" "Be nice!" "I just want them to see we're a nice, normal family, just like everyone else." "Alia!" "You can't have that!" "Papaji!" "I was reading that!" "Sweetie!" "The headmaster is coming over!" "So?" "So... we have to show him how different us OhTwaddis are." "Western culture not allowed!" "Salman I like him, neighbour!" "Not today, Keith!" "Cor blimey!" "I was wondering, you know how we're getting married next year." "Is there any chance..." " (MUSIC PLAYS)" "What the bloody hell is going on?" "Turn that racket off." "Dad!" " Hey, fella!" "How's it going?" "Yes!" "How's it going, fella?" "Amjad!" "Sorry, sir!" "Dad!" "This is Matt and Debbie." "You know, Debbie - my boss?" "Oh, yes!" "Hello, how do you do?" "Oh, is that the time already?" "Well, you'd better be getting off!" "They've only just arrived!" " (DOORBELL RINGS)" "Oh, God, right, well... why don't you take a look around the rest of the house." "Shazia will show you." "The backyard is particularly lovely." "(DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN)" " Oh, twaddi!" "Dad!" "What is going on?" "I think..." "Hang on." "That's better!" "Ah, Mr Khan!" "Salaam aleikum." "Waleikum assalam." "Please come in." "Should I take my shoes off?" "Why, have you trod in something?" "Or should I stand on one leg?" "No, it's OK, we only stand on one leg on Wednesdays." "L-l-I brought you these carrots." "I hope that's all right, I don't mean to cause offence." "No, it's OK." "It's just that us OhTwaddies aren't used to people being so nice." "Normally we just get abused." "All right, Mr Khan?" "I heard you needed a plumber for your bath." "Oh, I see!" "Because we are dirty, is that it?" "People can be so cruel." "Right, this is the bloke I use." "Oh, hate mail too!" "Why can't you people just leave us alone?" "!" "Please, come through..." "to our typical OhTwaddi living room." "Would you mind if I took notes?" "This is all so interesting." "Suit yourself, but I'm afraid you can't stay long, though." "We've got to go to the mosque soon." "Today is a very important day in the OhTwaddi religious calendar." "Really?" "What's it called?" "It's a festival." "A feast day!" "The feast of Mattandebbaay!" "Amazing!" "Amazing, this is all completely new to me." "Good, eh?" "You see how different we are." "And, er... is this Mrs Khan?" "Steady on!" "We're not that different!" "She's the mother-in-law." "Mrs Khan is in the kitchen." "Oh, perhaps we should say hello?" "No!" "Er, the OhTwaddi married women must be kept separate from men at all times." "But what about?" "Oh, it's OK." "Her husband is dead." "Lucky fellow." "Very religious, though, she's always praying." "In fact," "I don't know why she's not praying right now." "(CLEARS THROAT) Isn't it prayer time?" "Eh?" " Prayers?" "Nahin." " Come on!" "Come on, you want a biscoot?" "Come, come, come." "Look at that." "Good, eh?" "Well, I must say, I have always been fascinated by Muslim sects." "What?" "I'm very interested in Muslim sects." "Are you?" "Oh, yes." "It's an extremely exciting subject." "What about you?" "How do you fit in?" "How do I fit in where?" "Well, with all the sects." "Would you say you were fairly orthodox?" "Well, quite orthodox." "Bedroom mostly... and occasionally we try something different." "And are they involved too?" "No, they're bloody not!" "They're not OhTwaddis?" "They're a different sect, are they?" "Oh, sect!" "I see what you mean." "Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan." "Waleikum assalam." "What are you doing here?" "We fixed the bath, like you said." "It was very fiddly." "You see, we OhTwaddis bathe all the time." "We have more baths than you Catholics have babies." "Cleanliness is next to godliness." "Exactly!" "That's the thing with us OhTwaddis." "We're either bathing or praying." "Oh, look, Alia's praying right now." "Such a good girl!" " What?" "(MUSIC PLAYS)" "That's a traditional OhTwaddi prayer tune." "We do our special OhTwaddi prayers to it." "Oh, really?" " Oh, yes, yeah." "Well, please, please, don't let me stop you." "Huh?" " No, no, no, really," "I'd love to see it." "Would you mind if I took a photograph?" "Oh, twaddi!" "What's that noise?" "And why are these doors closed?" "Oh, twaddi!" "What the hell is going on?" "You can't come in here!" "Oh, my goodness!" "Married women!" "Do you need to cover their faces?" "Well, in her case it might not be such a bad idea." "Who's that?" "No-one!" "He just came for the celebration, but he's going to go now." "Dad!" "You're showing me up in front of Matt and Debbie!" "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" "What a coincidence!" "We got a Matt and Debbie at the festival of Mattandebaay!" "Time to go." " Professor Stevens?" "I thought it was you." "It's Debbie Evans, from Anscombe Catholic College for Girls?" "You were my headmaster." "Yes, hello, Deborah!" "How are you getting on?" "What's a headmaster doing here?" "I was trying to get a bloody scholarship for Alia." "To a Catholic school?" "What happened to the Muslim Academy?" "I was trying to save some money." "You were trying to do what?" "Oh, twaddi!" "Sorry, what is it you're saying?" "Oh, double twaddi!" "What's going on?" "I made up a fake religion to get Alia a free school place." "So are you saying..." "there is no OhTwaddi sect?" "Yes." " You made it all up?" "Yes." " What, even the carrots?" "Yes." "OK, yes, well, thank you very much." "I think I've heard enough." "No, wait, I can explain." "We should leave." "Come on, Amjad." "Maybe we should go too." "Amjad!" "They're leaving!" "Do something to help!" "Oh, right." "Do you need a taxi?" "So that's it, then?" "Alia's failed all her exams and now she doesn't have a school to go to?" "You have ruined her life." "It's OK... we'll send her to the Muslim Academy." "But it's very expensive, how will you afford it?" "I'll find a way." "I'll do whatever it takes." "I'll even... sell... the Mercedes!" "But Papaji, you can't sell your car." "It's all right, sweetie." "Car's not important." "Money is not important." "The most important thing is your future... and I'll take care of it, no matter how much money it costs me." "Well... maybe I was being hasty." "Perhaps we can offer you a free place after all." "Hallelujah!" "Do you really mean that?" "Yes, there is room for discretionary application of the rules for the disadvantaged." "And you are clearly very disadvantaged." "Here we are." "Now let's eat." "Shouldn't we wait for Papaji?" "He'll be down in a minute." "He's just gone to freshen up." "I'm so sorry about all that." "It's fine." "Really." "My dad's always embarrassing me." "I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have brought the doll." "Oh, no, it's wonderful." "And when the time comes, Shazia will look beautiful in it." "Aw, thanks, Mum!" "It really is fantastic." "The workmanship, it-it-it's remarkable." "Such intricate fretwork." "Will it be OK if I got in to have a closer look?" "Of course." "But please, do be careful!" "It's a family heirloom." "Absolutely!" "No harm done!" "Oh, thank you so much for fixing the bath." "It was no trouble." "Once we cut out the joist, it was all plain sailing." "Once you cut out the what?" "(CREAKING)" "(COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)" "Do we still get a scholarship?" "Ripped By mstoll"