"Hey, Mr. Kelly." "Hey, Mrs. Cheeks." "Snooooooooooooooze." "But it's our three week anniversary." "Three weeks?" " Why, I believe that's diamonds..." " It's not diamonds." "I'd rather have a kiss anyway." "So beautiful." "The sunlight is giving me full-on halo." "Filter, filter..." "Now, I like 1977, but..." "I think this is a Kelvin moment, don't you?" " Wait!" "You're not gonna post that..." " Zhoom!" "I'm sorry, did you say "wait"?" "Or fate?" "Cheeks, a picture like that, it might draw bad attention." "Bad attention." "You're so funny, sweetheart." "Yep." "Oh, look!" "People saw the picture." "But did they comment on it?" "Like it?" "Retweet it?" "Repost it?" "Favorite it?" "They are shoving this filth down our throats." "And our throats, they are filthy!" "This is not filth fit for children!" "This is not children's filth, okay?" "News at the speed of Tweet, huh?" "Yeah, next will probably be the call from..." "My agent." "Yeah, Hi Wes..." "I know we talked about it." "I saw the pic, yes, I saw the picture..." "Yes, okay." "One of these days, I'm gonna get out of this bed before the trouble begins." "Go through it again?" "I am on your side." "Because that is my job." "Now, if the team thinks you're flouting the morality clause, they can technically fire you." "Fire me?" "You gonna be defeatist or you gonna let me finish?" "Baseball, they want wholesome heroes." "I define wholesome." "I mean..." "I'm holding a glass of milk right now." "Whole milk!" "It's actually my Bailey's." "What?" "I ain't got a job to go to." "My show got canceled." "It ain't no big deal..." "Cuz I got a husband, to pay da bills." "Can I get a whaa..." "You're good, Brady." "Tall." "Plausible." "Let's focus on... we'll call him your "husband"..." "He is my husband!" "Oh, I'm with you, sister." "Rainbow... power." "But he could be more..." " appropriate is not the word..." " Appropriate?" "That works." "You know I'd gay-march on hepatitis-infected glass to change things." "But the fact is, homosexual, just not marketable." "I get that... yeah..." "I love Cheeks." "Voice like a tulip." "Eyelashes I can fucking hear through the phone." "And that's the problem." "He is unacceptably sexy and that terrifies America." "Acceptable gays are..." "overweight." "Over forty." "Overly professional with their lovers in public." " Understand?" " They can really..." " They can really fire me?" " Brady, Brady." "You're not listening." "Breathe." "Not gonna happen." "Not if you keep..." "Cheeks on a leash." "Metaphorically." "Or literally, when you're alone together, if that's your thing." "It's good." "I'm just saying, if you enjoy your career... and your new house... and... food... make Cheeks less... gay." "Can you do that?" " Sure." " Good." "Okay." "I gotta run." "I'm "audi girlfriend." Pride." "Zhoom!" "And once again, the shocking photo scandalizing America." "What's with the censorlip?" "My agent says America's afraid of sex." "Right..." "But... we're a married couple kissing." "Total nontroversy." "Well, actually... this is the morality clause that I signed for the MLB." "You promised not to "shock the community or ridicule public morals"." "Well, that's my mish- state verbate." "Yeah, yeah." "About that." "Wes thinks you've been doing some stuff lately that could hurt my career." " Bet he can't even name one specific..." " He had a disk messengered over." "Damn, girl." "You got visual media for my intervention?" "Guys, what's the secret to a lasting marriage?" "No gag reflex!" "Do you help Brady with his game?" "I shag his balls." "At one point you were on track for a pitching career..." "Yeah, well, I had a pretty good backdoor slider..." "I'll say!" "What does Wes suggest we do?" "A live national interview." "To apologize." "We're Kobe." "America is our wife." "I don't know what that means... but... for you..." "I guess I can do national press." "Thank you." "Just... be a little less gay." "Aaaaand conflict." "Less gay?" "Less gay." "Something about the way you're saying that with different punctuation..." "Less gay like you." " Because you're less gay." " Wait." " You do get what "gay" means, right, Brady?" " When a boy likes a boy very much." "The only thing that makes you gay is having an exclusive membership to the same sex sex club." " Are you going to sex clubs?" " Same sex sex comma club." "Not same sex comma sex club." "See the diff?" "Do you mean "hyphen"?" "You are gay... because you are attracted to men." "That's it." "You sleep with men... man, me." " You sleep with me." " Yeah." "And that... is pretty gay, dude." "Exactly." "And people don't want to think about our sex life." "Uh, I could show you a few fanfic forums..." "On the Internet." "But..." "I play baseball on TV." "Okay?" "TV gays, they... they sing about acceptance." "Or host daytime talk shows for housewives, or... acquire babies from exotic locations like China or wombs." "That is so not me." "You've met me, right?" "Look..." "You are such a great actor." "I mean, you've played everything from an elf to a..." "Christmas elf." "I mean, you could be a little less..." "So the Alderaan of my uniqueness is to be blasted out of existence by the Death Star of "less gay?"" "Is that right?" "I'm not sure, but... nerdy stuff like that, I mean, that is a good place to start." "Maybe, maybe if you wore glasses then people would look at the smart, not the gay." "You want me to be Anderson Cooper." "I mean, you know, if he were gay." " All I'm asking is..." " I know what you're asking, Brady." "Okay." "Less gay it is." "Great!" "I'm gonna give Wes a call, see what he thinks of the glasses idea." "Oh, Jack." "He has no idea what he just..." "Anticlimax." "What's wrong?" "My boyfriend back home thinks that college is gonna make me some sort of... sex robot." "Tell me about it." "Mine thinks it's gonna turn me into a brainwashed sex doll." "You know what?" "We should teach them a lesson." "Yeah?" "If they're gonna treat us like that... maybe we should just act like it." "Yeah!" "Okay, close your eyes." "You tricked me." "What are you gonna do about it?" " That." " Ouch!" "Not too hard!" "Stop!" "You stop!" "Oh, you're so sexy!" "I feel so much better!" "Me too." "Pillow fights fix everything." "You know, I heard that but I always thought it was a sham." "A pillow sham?" "Ooh, good one." "I've never done that before... with a girl..." "College is gonna be so much fun!" "Totes."