"(SNORING)" "(COUGHS AND SNORTS)" "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANS)" "Uhh." "Oh, God, I feel terrible." "Hair of the dog." "This has got to stop." "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANS)" "(GRUNTS)" "(GRUNTS) No, I'm sorry, pet." "I can't do it." "It's just too hard." "(MUFFLED SPEECH)" " Hang on, hang on." "Hang on." "Here you are." " Too hard for you?" "Are you having a laugh, Les?" "I'm absolutely gasping." "If you wanted a brew we've just gone past breakfast." "I'm not gasping for tea, I'm gasping for air." "Aye, I thought I was on skating on thin ice having last night's chicken jalfrezi for breakfast." "What did you mean too hard for you?" "You've got the easy bit." "Nah, I mean... this was always me and Liam's costume, you know, for the fancy dress." "I know, why don't you wear that red dress you wore the other night?" "I'll get you a red wig from the joke shop and you can go as..." "What's her name?" "Rita... someone." "Hayworth." "You'll look hilarious." "I'll go and make the brew." "Sorry, Les, I didn't mean to..." "Listen, son, you know that condition of Sheron's... about me coming to stay with you?" "Yeah." "Er, I think so." "What did I say it was?" "No women after ten o'clock." "Oh, yeah, that's right." " Well, I'm thinking." "You know if that little dalliance I've got with Jacqueline works out..." "I don't want to close the day's fishing before I've got me tackle out, if you see what I mean." "Shall we talk about it another time?" "No, but we'll be home in a couple of days." "Leave it for now and maybe talk about it when Sheron's in a good mood." "I'm not sure any of us are going to live that long." "Ladies and gentlemen, Joyce Temple-Savage here." "As you all know, today is Benidorm's world-famous" "British fancy dress fiesta." "Please feel free to join in the fun." "If you need help with costumes just ask Mateo also known, for today, as Bingo the clown!" "Honk your horn." "(TOOTS)" "And smile." "Don't forget to smile." "You're supposed to be a clown." "Mr DuBeke, please remove yourself from the sunbeds, people are beginning to think it's penny for the guy." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Piss off!" "Bloody hell." "Joyce Temple-Savage has gone a bit heavy wi' t'make-up today." " (LAUGHS)" "Can we dress up, Mum?" " We haven't got any costumes love." "Please?" "I wonder if he does birthday parties or just sticks to murdering teenagers at county fairs?" "Why do people think clowns are funny?" "They give me nightmares." "(TOOTS)" " I'm wi' you, Robert." "There's nowt entertaining about a big fat bloke with silly hair wearing embarrassing clothes and a big red nose." "Dad, can I get a costume, please?" "Oh, I get it." "Your mum says no so you ask your Dad." "You're not as daft as you look." " I didn't say no, I said we don't have any costumes." "In that case, I think we need a trip to the shops, don't we?" " Yeah." "Right, who's coming?" "I was gonna hang out with Tiger and Joey today." "I'm all right here." " Come on then." "If you're buying I fancy something very fetching in tight Lycra." "Good luck in finding summat in your size." "I beg your pardon?" " Well, it's all for t'kids, in't it, fancy dress?" "Right, are you ready, darling?" " Yeah." "Do you still want us to hire you that car, Eddie?" " What car?" "The one that squirts water, explodes and all the doors fall off." "(LAUGHS)" " See you in a bit." "I never asked to hire a car." "What would I want wi' a car?" " (CHUCKLES)" "And Donald said to Frankie Howerd," "'There's no point offering her four fingers, she can't even manage two.'" "Ooh!" "And that's how they used to measure whisky?" "Yeah, that's why Donald was so popular because of his fat fingers." "As a barman, I mean." "Yeah." "(GRUFFLY) Morning." "These were on reception for you." " Oh!" "Aren't they lovely?" "Oh, Kenneth, you look smashing!" "Mr Motivator, isn't it?" "I'm not sure I can be bothered with this fancy-dress day." "It's not fancy dress, you cheeky cow." "I just haven't been to bed yet." "Remind me never to send you flowers if that's the face you pull." "Look at the gob on her." "They're from Gavin." " How do you know?" "There's no card, just your name and address." "I had a good root round, obviously." "They're my favourite." "The only flowers I'd ever allow in the salon." "Only he'd know that." "Plus, I got this pushed under the door yesterday." "Oh, Troy." "Why don't you and Gavin get back together?" "You were the perfect couple." " It's true." "What was it they used to call you?" "The Diana and Dodi of the East Midlands." "It's a mystery why that never worked out." " Shut up." "I had 15 happy years." "Hmph." " Yeah, then you met that whinging fat old cow." "Right, I am due a very large English breakfast with extra BP." "This swimmer's build will not maintain itself, eh?" "You've got a corkscrew perm at 11." "Gives me 12 minutes to eat me breakfast and one minute to get back here." "I do love it when a plan comes together." "Hey, there's no stamp on this." "(GASPS) Gavin's in Benidorm." "I know." "Don't." " Eugh." "Hello, do you do walk-ins?" " Only if they're six foot, blonde Norwegian football players." "He's only joking, come and take a seat." "Won't be a minute." "I'll just put these in some water." " Beautiful flowers." "Yeah, aren't they?" " Oh, heavens." "Don't worry, I've got that." "Cup of tea?" " Oh, thank you." "Milk and no sugar." "You've got a smashing bust." "I hate the fancy dressing." "I hate how everybody's treating me like a clown." "I'm not sure that's got much to do with the costume to be honest, Mateo." "I hate everyone laughing at me, calling me stupid names." "And then they dressed you as a clown." "Oh, and this wig is making me crazy!" "Ohh!" "Ah, you found another costume then?" " Yeah." "Nurse Amber is now on call." "It's too hot for the fancy dressing." "Why did they move the fiesta?" "It was better in November." " I'm sorry about what I said earlier." "I wasn't making fun of you." " Don't worry about it." "The fancy dress festival was always mine and Liam's day." "I just miss him." "No, saying you'd look hilarious dressed as a woman." "Let's just leave it, shall we?" "Excuse me?" " What can I get you?" "Vodka pineapple, please." "If you miss Liam why don't you go and see him?" "It's not that easy." "We both work six days a week." "Then there's the small matter of 40 euros each time for the coach." "And Madrid is expensive." "It's one of the reasons I come back." " Aye." "Right." "What did I come in here for?" "Oh, yeah, lemonade." "I do not like to see Les sad, but he does miss his son." "Don't be sad." "Clowns are meant to be happy." "And nurses are meant to make people feel better." "Between us we should be able to think of something to put a smile back on his face." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Blarrrhh!" " Arh!" " Ohh!" "What?" "You shouldn't be using your phone all day, kid." "It'll cost you a fortune out here." " I'm just playing chess." "Who are you playing?" " Nobody, it's just a free app on my phone." "A free game." "Oh, right." "I used to be good at chess." "There you go, finish the game." "Just touch the pieces to move them." "You're white." "All right, Rob?" "You coming to the fiesta?" " Whoa!" "You're taking this fancy-dress day a bit far, aren't you?" "Oh, nah, mate." "This ain't a costume." "Yeah, I know." "It was kind of a joke." " These are my normal clothes." "Yeah, no, as I was saying " " Oh, my days!" "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Hey, Tige, Tige!" "I came over here and Rob thought I was in my costume cos my T-shirt's bright and that!" "I was like, 'This ain't my costume, bruv." "These are my normal clothes.'" "He's like, 'Ah, I thought it was your costume.'" "It was hilarious, man." "We were cracking up, weren't we?" "(LAUGHS)" "I don't know what we're gonna do for costumes." "We're skint." "I've got some money." " I thought if we stick a ten euro note to each of our foreheads we could go as the Three Tenors." "Do you get it?" "The singers?" " The Three Musketeers?" "Yeah, or the three cats." "No, Joey." "We were going for things that there's specifically three of." "My nan has three cats." "We can go as them." "Bloody hell, kid." "Where did you find this one?" "I think there's a village somewhere short of an idiot." "Right, come on, let's roll." "OK, we're off, Grandad." " I've just started another game." "Don't worry, I don't need my phone." " Are you sure, son?" "Yeah." "No ringing your mates in the UK though!" "What mates?" " See you later." "See you later, son." "Oh, actually, we can't go as my nan's cats." "I just realised, one of them's a girl." "There you go." "I think that's taken ten years off you." "Not that I knew how old you were in the first place, but if I had to guess... mid... thirties?" "I can see why you're so popular." " (CHUCKLES)" "And if you're in Castle Donington you're literally 20 minutes away from our Derby salon, Hair by Troy." "Thank you." "Well, I'm here for two weeks, so I might have to see you again for a touch up." "Hey, cheeky, we'll have to keep an eye on you." "The lovely Jacqueline will see you at the till." "Hola!" "This way, please." "There you go, Barry." "Looking fabulous." "But if you take my advice you'll drop the Black and White Minstrels idea." "Very 1960s." "Why don't you do your karaoke numbers in falsetto and tell everyone you've come as Leo Sayer?" "All right." "Thanks, Kenneth." " If you'd like to see Jacqueline at the till." "(MOUTHS)" "Come on then, spill the beans about Gavin." "I'm not gossiping." " Good." "I don't want gossip, I want hard facts." "It started a few weeks ago." "He'd send me postcards like that unsigned." "He'd leave Post-it notes on the front door with a love heart drawn on them." "And you're sure it was Gavin?" " I'd pick up the phone and all I'd hear is this kind of wheezy, laboured breathing." "Yeah, that's him." " I'm just nipping out for a breather." "All right, love." " All right." "The creepiest thing he did was leave Love Heart sweets everywhere for me." "He'd post them through the door at home and at the salon." "If I went to the loo in a bar, when I came back there'd be a packet of them where I'd been sitting." "Bloody hell." "You know Gavin's serious if he's giving food away." "Why didn't you ring him, have it out with him?" " I didn't want any contact." "But now he's in Spain." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Balloon-o-gram for Troy." "Oh, for God's sake." "They have just arrived at the reception." "'Dear Troy:" "Please meet me at the Grand Cafe in the old town at 2pm.'" "What are you gonna do?" "Not being funny, but is it really worth spending 30 euros each to look like a bunch of tools?" "What?" " Oh, no, cos we're dressed as actual tools." "I thought..." " Oh, yeah!" "(LAUGHS)" "No, you're right though." "I ain't even got 30 euros." "We could go into town and get hammered instead?" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Please tell me you meant that one." "Cos you're dressed like a hammer!" "(LAUGHS)" "Boo ya!" "I'm on fire, bitches!" "All right, hang on, I'll do one for you. (LAUGHS)" "I...saw... you." "I saw you!" "Mr Saw!" "(LAUGHS)" "Nah, that one was rubbish." "Damn." "Thought I'd nailed it." "How was that one funny?" "Come on, let's grab a beer." "Oh, bollocks!" "Everything OK, sir?" "It is now, darling." "Do you know, you get more gorgeous every time I see you." "Charmed, I'm sure." "If there's nothing I can help you with..." "I see you've come dressed as a glamorous hotel manageress." "Well, I like to look the part." "Maybe I could be the fella who cleans the pool." "If only you were." "He's can celled three times this week." "If that pool gets any dirtier we'll have to give swimmers a tetanus shot and a flashlight." "Course, in the films I've seen the pool doesn't usually end up much cleaner." "Yes, well, they do say life imitates art." "I'm not sure you'd call these films art love but they look good, I'll give you that." "Are you not dressing up for the British fiesta?" "I'm not going to bother." "It's for t'kids mainly." "Although I've heard dressing up can be fun for adults as well." "Indeed." "What woman doesn't love a man in uniform?" "Oh." " (BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Oof!" "(LIVELY BAND MUSIC)" "I can't believe Joey went to church." " You didn't know he was religious?" "I thought you were best mates." " We're mates." "We play football together once a week." "I mentioned going on holiday and he said he'd be up for it." "So you don't really know him that well." " I know he's shit at football." "(LAUGHS) Nah, he's a good bloke." "He's certainly kept me laughing this holiday." " Oi, oi!" "What do you reckon?" "Where did you get them?" " The church." "I thought you were going in for a quick pray?" " Nah, man." "My mum's religious." "One thing I've learnt about churches:" "security is lax, bro." "(LAUGHTER)" "Did you steal them?" " Nah, man." "Just borrowed 'em, innit?" "Nice one, brother." "Or should that be sister?" "Hey, lads, wearing women's clothes isn't a habit I want to get into." "Definitely not, it's just for fancy dress." "No, Joe, a habit." "Do you get it?" "A habit." " No, mate, like Joey said, it's just a one-off." "Chill, bruv." "There you go, darling." "Tiger man." "Now, did your mum give you a euro for the jar?" " Yeah." "Thank you." " Well done, Amber, this is lovely." " Rrarrr!" "Oh, terrifying!" "(GROWLS)" " Mind you, not as terrifying as some." "It is no good, I ask the children if they want to have their face made with the paint but they run away." "I'm not surprised, you look horrendous." "I am a clown." "Children love clowns." "Nobody likes clowns." "They're terrifying." "Go and get changed." "It was the last costume." "You think I'd choose to be a clown?" "I'm sure a stag party left a load of tarts and vicars costumes last week." "What is a tart?" " Like you don't know." "Off you go." "Come on, you've been in there ages." " It ain't Stars in Your Eyes." "I can't walk through a door and come back seconds later looking like Tina Turner." "You need any help Jodie, love?" " No, I'm alright." "Nearly ready." "A-ha, me hearties!" "Captain Blackbeard at your service." "Captain Birdseye more like." " Hush your noise, you dirty landlubber or I'll take me cutlass and run you through." "Oh, shit." " I don't think you'll be running anywhere, not with that leg." "(GASPS) Wow!" "You look amazing!" "I'm a mermaid." " Brilliant!" "The only problem is I can't walk." "But you can carry me, Dad, can't you?" " Um..." "Of course he can carry you." " Can they not cut a hole for your feet?" "They can't cut my tail." "I wouldn't be able to swim, silly." " Yeah, silly." "It's just that, you know, I've got this wooden leg and..." "It's a bit tricky." " Pick up your daughter." " Honestly, I don't think " "Pick her up." " Yep, yep, no problem." "(RINGING TONE)" "Is it ringing?" " Yeah." "It's one of them international ringtones so he's definitely here." "Who'd have thought Gavin would turn out to be a rabbit boiler?" "A what?" " You know, that film with Glen Campbell." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Gavin." "It's Kenneth." "What do you mean 'Kenneth who'?" "What do you mean what do I want?" "Don't you pull the innocent with me, Gavin Ramsbottom." "We know you've been sending these flowers and balloons." "Troy's gone to meet you." "How does he know where you are?" "You're in Benidorm." "You're in Venice?" " Not Glen Campbell, Glenn Close." "Oh, shut up." "No, not you." "What are you doing in Venice?" "So if it's not you sending all this stuff, who is it?" "Hi, Gavin." "It's Troy again." "You're half an hour late now so..." "Are you coming or shall we add this to the increasingly long list of unacceptable behaviour you've displayed of late?" "Please call me when you get this." "Thank you." "Bye." "Hello!" " Oh, hello again." "Twice in one day." "The gods are smiling on us." "Have you been shopping?" " I tried my best but you know what it's like here." "It's as if they don't want your money." "It doesn't look like you've done too badly." " Trinkets, darling." "And a little supper." "One has to eat." "Listen, while you're here, could I ask you a favour?" "I need a big strong man." " Oh, no worries." "I can probably find one if you give me five minutes." " Oh, handsome and funny." "I bet you've liberated one or two ladies from their dignity with that routine." "Listen, I'm sorry to be a pain but my front door is terribly rusty." "Sounds painful." " Sorry?" " Nothing." "I usually prefer a hotel but I thought an apartment would be so much fun when I booked this holiday." "How wrong I was." "I've asked them to come and look at it but it's all manana, manana." "Would you be a darling and help me to get in?" "Er, the thing is I'm supposed to be meeting someone." "I hate to ask." "I fear my grouper's beginning to smell." "I'm sorry?" " Fish." "Oh!" "Well, we can't have that, can we?" "It would take a big strong boy like you literally two minutes." "Well, my friend is late already and I've asked him to ring me so..." "Are you in this block?" " Literally just here." "OK." " Oh!" "You're my hero." "How can I repay you?" "Could I tempt you with my little fish?" "I very much doubt that." "Fourth floor." "No lift, I'm afraid." " No wonder your grouper's wiffy." "My hero." "There we go." "Oh, Troy, you're an angel sent from heaven." "Can I tempt you with a vino rosado?" "Or as I call it, day wine." "Thanks, Daisy, but I'd better be off." " My toilet." "I beg your pardon?" " My toilet." "Um, could you take a look at it?" "I don't think I'm getting a full flush." "No, sorry, I have to go." " But I'm terrified of losing my deposit!" "Well, I'll..." "I'll have a very quick look." "Oh!" "Troy, you're a life saver." "It's just through there." "(LOCK CLICKS)" "Darling Troy." "I'd heard you'd emigrated to Spain, but I would go to the ends of the earth for you, even Benidorm." "Now we can be together forever." "Man, these outfits are hot." "I know, man." "Sometimes covering up is more sexy." "Keeps the ladies guessing, innit?" "Hola!" "(GIGGLES)" "Excuse me." "What do you think you are doing?" "What do you think?" "Are you thick or something?" "Joey, for God's sake." " What?" "He ain't a real policeman." "It's fancy-dress day, you muppet." "Look, that is the worst fake moustache I've ever seen." "Look at the state of him. (LAUGHS)" "Oh, shit." "Don't you know it is illegal to drink while dressed in the religious clothes?" "I think there's been a misunderstanding." "We were told we could borrow these because my father is a friend of the priest." "OK, what is the name of the priest?" "Keith." "His name is Keith." "Keith?" " Manuel." " Jose." "Graham." "What?" "That's quite a priesty name." " OK, listen to me carefully." "It is the British fiesta." "In the spirit of international relations" "I will not be arresting you." "Thank you." "Thank you so much, your honour." " Shut up." "But to make amends you will have to clean the entire beach front." "You got to be joking." " Do I look like I am joking?" "You can buy bags in this shop." "I will be back in three hours to check every piece of litter has been cleared up." "Come on." "I'm not being funny but that really does look like a dodgy moustache." "Joey!" " (SIGHS)" "Oh, wey-hey-hey!" "It's the Pirates of the Caribbean." "(CHUCKLES)" "What happened to you?" " I've just dropped the Not So Little Mermaid at Dickie Donuts Kids Club." "What mermaid?" " Oh, forget it." "That's better." "Ey, they're great costumes them." "Did you get me one?" "What's this cheap rubbish?" " It's was all the money we had left." "They blocked my card cos I forgot to tell the bank I was coming here." "Pass the phone, I'll ring them." " I promised Robert I wouldn't make any calls on it." "Shut up, give it here." "I pay the bloody bill." "The card game on it stopped working." "Can you restart it or something?" "I was enjoying playing on that." "I used to run a very popular card game in t'snug at the Coach and Horses." "Liquor in the front, poker round the back." "I beg your pardon?" "Drinks in the front, card game round the back." "What's all this about?" "'Daily limit reached'." "I know." "I don't know why it says that." "Robert says all the games are free." "'Your daily limit of £500 has been reached on your credit card ending in 4546.'" "That's why my card was declined." "You've spent all my money on bloody online poker!" "(FAINT MUSIC)" "No, I think it's all just a bit of a misunderstanding." "Yeah, cheers." "Have a Cornetto for me." "Well, if Gavin's in Venice, who's Troy gone to meet in the old town?" "Give him a ring and find out." "Who was sitting there earlier?" " Where?" " That seat." "That was what's-her-name." "Daisy." "I think something fell out of her bag." "O to the M to the F to the G." "(GASPS)" "You're going to laugh but every Monday when you came into the cash and carry" "I'd cover all the five-litre bottles of perming solution in kisses... knowing you'd take one of them." " Hilarious." "I used to sit at the bus stop opposite your salon after work and look at you, desperately trying to pluck up the courage to go in." "And then one day I did." "I pretended I needed some change for a parking meter." "I went in and that... strange little fat man served me." "My husband, at the time." "Gavin." "Oh Troy, you are such a funny little goose." "Marry me." " I don't think you're listening to me." "Gavin was my husband." "I am gay." " Guess what they used to call me at work." "Psychopathic bitch from hell?" " Crazy Daisy!" "(LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY)" "Because I'm so impetuous!" "(MOBILE BUZZES)" "That's Kenneth again." "If I don't answer they'll think something's wrong." "Answer it, tell them you're OK." "But if you tell them where you are... as much as I love you, darling," "I will kill you." "Kenneth?" "It's Daisy, she's the stalker." "Yeah, I'm fine." "Absolutely fine. - (MOUTHS)" " Oh, my God, you're with her, aren't you?" "Sorry, I can't hear you." " (CHURCH BELLS RING)" " I'm quite high up and close to the church bells." "Give us your address." "We'll be there in ten minutes." "Troy?" "Hello?" "I don't like being disturbed." "I don't think you've got much choice." "Don't go anywhere, you're going to love this." "Two minutes." "Ooh!" "Ha, ha!" "(SIGHS AND GROANS)" "Joey, man." "You're getting ash on my clothes." "Oh, sorry, Ty." "They say smoking is a dirty... habit." "Why was that funny?" " No idea, mate." "Hey, look." "There's that copper." "Shall we show him how much we've collected?" " Yeah, come on." "No, I'm in Benidorm on Webbo's stag do." "Yeah, yeah." "It's this mad day." "Everyone in the whole place dresses up." "I'm a policeman." "Yeah, mate." "I've been proper winding people up and that." "It's been hilarious." "You should've come, honest." "I can't believe it." "We've been doing this for ages." "Why is he speaking in an English accent?" "Cos he's English." " So, why was he speaking in a Spanish accent before?" "He tricked us, Joe." "We've been picking up this rubbish for nothing." " He's tricked us?" "I'm gonna have a word." " No, wait!" "Joey, man, we can't let him get away with that." " I know but, wait a sec." "Let's do this properly." "This'll teach 'em." "(MOUTHS)" "Oh, my God." "Joey, no!" "If they're not real policeman, how can they arrest us?" "Shut up, Joey." "Seriously." "(BOTH GROAN)" "(LIVELY MUSIC)" "Oh, my... goodness." "Isn't it divine?" "What's wrong, darling?" "Don't you like it?" " Er..." "You've been on the balcony." " Just for a bit of fresh air." "I am warning you, Troy, if you do anything silly that means we can't get married today, you know what I'll do." "How are we supposed to get married?" "Why do you think I got an apartment next to the church?" "Silly sausage." "But we're not locals." "The priest might not agree to marry us." "Oh, I think he will." "Listen, Daisy, I can't get married in a church." "Why not?" " Well..." "I'm a Muslim." "Really?" " Yeah." "I always knew you were... a bit ethnic, but I thought that was just your style." " No, no." "Fully-paid-up member me." "But, listen, I've got an idea." "Why don't we go back to the Solana?" " Why would we do that?" "Well, they... have... a wedding license." "Do they?" " Yes." "We could get married today." "That would make me the happiest woman alive." "Do you really mean it?" " I do." "Oh!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, wait." "Now we could hear the church bells so we must be near." "Oh, and he said he was up high, so..." "Ooh, this is like that film, in't it?" "With Leslie Nielsen." "What, Airplane?" " No, the one where his daughter gets kidnapped and he rings them up." "(BAD IRISH ACCENT) 'I don't know who you are and I don't know what I want.'" "No, that's not right." "'I don't know who you are and I don't know where I am.'" "No, hang on." "That's not right either." "'I don't know who you are and I don't know who I am.'" "No, that definitely can't be " " Oh, will you shut up?" "!" "A white flag." "Come on." "(MOUTHS)" "(MOUTHS)" "Arrrhhh!" "Hola." "I am warning you, Troy, if you do anything stupid I will kill us both." "Actually, that would be terribly romantic." "Together forever." " Let's go for the wedding." "It'd be a shame to ruin that lovely dress." "Aw." "I knew you liked the dress." "Outside then to the right." "Oh, Troy." "You were telling the truth." "Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you, my darling." "You see?" "Father Mateo, I didn't realise you were working today." "How fortunate." "What?" " Daisy and I would like to get married." "You are both getting married?" "I thought you were a moofalata." "(SNIGGERS)" "Um, I'm guessing Ragtimes Chapel is free now." "Go away, you are drunk." "We'd like to get married, please." "Madre mia." " Now." "Come on, darling." "♪ MENDELSSOHN:" "Wedding March" "I'm going as soon as I've played this." "You have to stay." "She is a crazy dangerous woman." "Oh, great." "That's really given me the incentive to hang around." "(MUTTERS) Shut up." "Are you absolutely positive it looked like a real gun?" "I mean, it's fancy dress day." " Do you really want to chance it?" "She looked psychotic." " I'm going up there, this is ridiculous." " BOTH:" "No!" "I'm telling you, it looked like a real gun." "I've phoned the police." "What's going on?" " Where have you been?" "Your mate's up there getting married to some mad woman." " Crazy Daisy." "Look, we need to get in there now." "She's deranged, she's come all the way from Castle Donington." "The police!" "They're here." " Ah!" "Hey!" " Hey!" " (ALL CHEER)" "(ALL SIGH)" "Hang on a minute, I've got an idea." "♪ MENDELSSOHN:" "Wedding March" "We are here today to make a marriage of Troy and..." "Daisy." " .." "Troy and Daisy." "Marriage is a special thing." "It is not to be taken - how do you say?" " with no responsibles." "You have to be committed." " I think she should be." "I beg your pardon?" " Oh, nothing." "Carry on." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Bride or groom?" " Groom." " Groom." " Bride." "I mean, groom." "Don't mind me, I'm on work experience." "You were in the salon earlier." "Oh, bless you, my child." "That is my brother Kenneth, the hairdresser." "I am Kevin, a man of the cloth." "OK." "Do you, Daisy, take this man to be your awful wedded husband?" "(MUTTERS) Lawful." " What?" " (Lawful)" "It's lawful, not awful." "Ohhhh!" "I so do!" "And do you, Troy, take Daisy to be your awful" " I'm sorry - lawful wedded wife?" "Do you have the rings?" " Oh, the rings." "Oh, my goodness, we don't have rings." "Don't worry, I think I can help." "Really?" " Yeah, if you just put your hand out for me." "Let's have a look at you." "It's in here. (CHUCKLES)" "It's in here somewhere. (CHUCKLES)" "No!" " Quick!" "Get her!" " (SCREAMS)" "Argh!" "(WAILS AND SOBS)" "Keep hold of her!" "Don't let her go!" "Don't let her go!" "(WAILS) Troy!" "Troy!" "I love you, Troy!" "But we only have 14 hours to save the earth!" "Arhhhh!" "♪ Can you hear me?" "♪ Can you hear me?" "♪ Through the dark night" "♪ Far away... ♪" "I must say you're taking all this very well." "To be honest I was just relieved it wasn't Gavin." "He can be quite peevish when he wants to be." "Who was he in Venice with?" "Oh, are we jealous?" "No, just asking out of interest." "Said he was on his own." "On his own?" "Who goes to the most romantic city on earth on their own?" "I know, what a waste." "I was thinking of giving Daisy his address there." "She's obviously not fussy." "Hey!" "Cheeky sod." "(SIGHS)" "Do you mind if we don't tell anyone?" " About dressing like nuns?" "No, about getting arrested." " Oh, right." "Yeah, no worries." "I thought they'd make us spend the night in there." "I'm gonna find my family." "Good night." "God bless." " Good night." "God bless." "Good night." "God bless." "♪ I took all those habits of yours" "♪ That in the beginning were hard to accept" "♪ Your fashion sense..." "Where have you been hiding all day?" "Fancy a table for two?" " Excuse me, I'm sitting with my friends." "Are you all right?" " No, I'm not, I'm absolutely jiggered." "I told him everything from beginning to end, every last little detail." "A real blow-by-blow account." "Oh, I don't remember that bit." "Not that he seemed interested." "In fact, I'm sure he fell asleep before the end of it." "Just sat there." "Stank of booze as well." "Jacqueline, you know this policeman you spoke to?" "Yeah?" " Was he in Ragtimes?" "No, he was just sitting at the bar in reception with a friend who was dressed as a chicken." " (SNIGGERS)" "What?" "♪ You're in my heart" "♪ You're in my soul" "♪ You'll be my breath, should I grow old... ♪" "£500?" "Where are we supposed to get £500 from?" "Oh, don't shout at me, Sheron, please." "I'll pay you back when I can." "It was an honest mistake." "I don't know what else to say." "You're as much to blame for giving him the phone." " He was playing chess." "Why have you got a gambling game on your phone anyway?" " Mother, I play like 10p a hand." "Yeah, well, your bloody grandad didn't, did he?" "£500." "We're not still going on about that?" "He said he'd pay it back." "When I can." " When he can." "I'm not sitting here if you're gonna have a go at me all night." " Good." "Go and sit with your fancy woman." " She's not my fancy woman." "And you got me t'right bloody costume." "Looks like I'll be living like a monk from now on, thanks to your condition of no women after ten o'clock when I come and live with you." " I never said that." "You can do what you like in your own caravan." "In my own what?" " Anybody want to do karaoke?" "Caravan." "We're bringing it down from Brid and you're going on the front drive." "Jodie." "Karaoke?" " I'm tired." "Can you carry me to bed?" "Me, living on t'street like a bloody tinker?" "I didn't say on the street." "I said the front drive." "Not a chance." " Well, then make your own arrangements." "Aye, I will, cos I know when I'm not wanted." "You can stick your caravan up your arse, Sheron." "You've finally got what you wanted." "I won't be coming to live with you." "I'd rather sleep in t'gutter." "And don't come looking for me tomorrow because I'll be getting t'first flight home." "Thank you and goodnight." "Well... that's that sorted then." "What a day." "Right, Amber, one more brandy each, purely medicinal, then everybody back to work." "Mateo, did you give your statement to the police?" "Yes, we have all spoken to the police." "The crazy woman is in the hospital." "Everything is back to normal." "(CHUCKLES) Normal?" "Look at this place!" "When have we ever been normal?" "Right." "(SPLUTTERS) On we go." "Ooh. (CHUCKLES)" "Les, you're not dressed as Lesley tonight?" "No, pet." "I think there's been enough dressing up for one day, don't you?" "Listen, when I did the face painting for the kids today we were given some tips and we were gonna give you the 20 euros..." "No, no, I don't want your money." "...but we knew you wouldn't take it." "So we bought you an open return coach ticket to Madrid." "So you can go and see Liam." "An open return costs more than 20 euros." "I know." "Mateo put the rest in with the money he came into yesterday." "I don't know what to say." " Bless you, my child."