" Ah, Christmas." " It's a regular feast for the senses." "The smells, the sights, the sounds." "If that's those charity wrapping-paper kids again, they already hit us twice." "They keep changing hats, but I recognize them." "It's my parents." "Guys, Grandma and Grandpa are here." "What?" "Now?" "I thought they weren't coming till Christmas." "Mike, don't look surprised." "I told you about this." "That was my Mom." "My parents are coming a week early for Christmas." "They'll be staying for 12 days." " That's cool with you, right?" " Yes, yes, yes!" "You purposely told me during a Colts game." "All I know is that I heard yes." "Frankie, 12 days?" "Mike, I gotta let them in." "Yeah, you can." "In eight days." "Christmas is about family." "Family that's outside getting very suspicious." "Just relax, it's gonna be fun." "Twelve days?" "Twelve days is too long, Frankie." "Nobody's fun for 12..." "Merry Christmas!" " There's my big, gorgeous son-in-law." " Hi, Pat." " How are you?" " Are we late?" "No, no, uh, you're even earlier than I expected." " Aw, babies." " Hey." " Hi, Grandma." " There they are." " Oh, look at you." "Look at you." " Hi, Grandpa." " Oh, you've grown." "You've grown." " I brought fudge." " Awesome." " Thanks, Grandma." " Okay, guys, just a couple." " Oh, Frankie, it's fudge." "It's Christmas." "Oh, Mom gets out-mommed by Grandma." "Merry Christmas to me." "Hey, anybody notice I grew antlers?" "I thought they'd be great for the family skit this year." "I got some for you too." "Dad?" "You're finally doing the skit with us?" "Oh, don't worry, Sue." "We're gonna get him this year." "Hey, we got 12 whole days to work on you, heh." "Oh!" "Hey, who's counting?" "Twelve days." "And he's already on me about the skit." "What kind of family has to do a skit in the family room every Christmas?" "It just feels alien to you because your family's not fun." "We're fun and you're a bunch of walking corpses who drink." " That's what I'm talking about." " Yeah." "You know, look at it this way, after tonight, there's only 11 more days." "Oh, no." "I only have 11 days until Christmas?" "I still have to shop for presents and find the stockings and finish the tree." "Oh, my God." "Oh, if you go out, I need a present this big for Sue." " What are you looking for?" "Doesn't matter." "I got Axl and Brick something this big." "It has to take up the same amount of space so it doesn't look like we have favorites." "Hey, how's this?" "Are you kidding?" "We got this stupid shower radio for Axl last Christmas." " Look, he didn't even open it." " We'll give it to him again." " He won't remember." " And this." "I spent $20 for delivery so the kids could open it Christmas morning only to have them dump it here Christmas night." "Don't even tell me those things." "It makes me mad." "Me too." "I drive myself nuts, running around buying all this stuff for them." " And for what, Mike?" "For what?" " Didn't you say you were looking for stockings?" "Here." " Yeah." "Ah..." "In the Easter box." "What the hell is that?" "It's the orange." "The orange I put in their stocking every year, you know?" "Because during the Depression, the only thing my grandma got in her stocking was an orange but she loved it and it was enough." "That's why my mom put it in my stockings." "We put one in our kids' because I never want them to forget to appreciate something as pure and simple as an orange." "You're always complaining how hard Christmas is." " What if we found a way...?" " Find the true meaning of Christmas?" "Well, I..." "I was thinking spend less money, but that'd work too." "Listen, Dad and I wanna talk to you about something." "Hmm, this can't be good." "Relax." "We were doing a little thinking about Christmas." "We don't always appreciate it the way we should." "Oh, no." "We appreciate it." " Hmm." "We totally appreciate it." "Mm-hm." "Do you?" "Exhibit A." " Does anybody recognize that?" " We'll give you a hint." "One of you had to have it just last year." "Well, it's lame, so I'll go with Sue." " Oh, sorry." "We were looking for Axl." " Hmm." "The correct answer is Axl." "And it's not even opened." "Wow, that is unappreciative." "Ha." "That's funny you should say that, Sue." "Or should I say Exhibit B?" "Oh, thank you." "I've been looking for this." "Been in the middle of the pool table all year, right next to Exhibit C." "A Word-A-Day calendar?" "Well, you know that's not mine." "Brick stopped using it on January 2nd." "And, coincidentally, the word is irresponsible." "Hmm." "This is why your Dad and I have decided to simplify things this year." " What?" " Okay." "Guys, I just feel like we've lost the meaning of Christmas." "Now, Grandma and Grandpa are here." "We have 11 more days." "Wouldn't it be great if we as a family, could rethink just doing what we always do and find a way to reclaim Christmas?" "The good parts." "To truly experience the orange." "Oh, my God." "They're not getting us presents." "What's the orange again?" "Is that true?" "You wienie-ing out of getting us presents?" "Nobody's wienie-ing out of anything." "There'll be presents, just not so many." "All because of an orange?" "What's the orange?" "You remember, from our stockings." "That stupid orange." "When Mom used to live on the prairie, all she got was an orange." "Uh, it wasn't frontier days it's your great-grandmother during the Depression." "How old do you think I am?" "God, I don't know." "I try not to think about you." "Axl, be quiet and please let our pretty, young mother finish telling us about the presents." "Instead of going crazy buying piles of crap we could give you special things that would mean something to you." "Yeah." "And if you wanna get something for each other or your friends you can earn the money or make something homemade, from the heart." "From the heart?" "Where is this coming from?" "It's Christmas." "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad." "Thinking of something special." " Traitor." " Sue." "It's kind of a nice thought." "I know one thing I would really like is a new diary." "Oh, my God." "How did you know?" "We found it under a sweater on Brick's train set." "It's Exhibit D." "Well, once they got used to the idea  the simple Christmas thing really took off." "I had time to bake cookies with my mom." "Since Sue wanted to buy gifts for everyone  she went out the next day and got herself a job." "Ow!" "Sorry." "Even Axl surprised us and got into the spirit." "So since we're doing this lame-o simple thing and there's no way I'm spending my own money on you I'm giving you the most awesome gift of all." "The gift of me." "Oh, but no hugging, no touching, no contact of any kind." "And you gotta decide within the next three seconds or the offer's void." "I want you to make me an igloo." "I want an igloo." "What?" "I want you to build me an igloo." "Oh, heh, I thought you were gonna make me read." "Yep, the simple Christmas was bringing people together." "Even more together than some people would've hoped." "Heh, there you are." "Hey, did I ever tell you about my neighbor, Stan?" "Found a tumor behind his eyeball big as a grapefruit." "Big as a grapefruit." "There you are." "Like the quiet of the night, do you?" "Oh, me too." "I love the quiet." "My favorite part of being quiet is when two people get together..." "Hey, there you are." "Ha, ha." "What's that, snow you're shoveling there?" "You know, I knew three guys who died shoveling snow." "So, what do you think, huh?" "Thought we were doing a second story." "Where's the reading nook?" "I was hoping it'd be next to the hearth." "A hearth?" "Oh, my God." "The first thing I've actually finished in my life and you don't even appreciate it?" "Not very orangey of you, is it, Brick?" "I'm gonna go inside and get something to eat." "If you built the kitchen I asked for, you wouldn't have to go in." "Hey, what are you doing?" "You're getting the floor all wet." "You too?" "Not a professional igloo builder, I'm doing my best." " Clean up your mess." " It's just a little snow." "He's a teenager." "That's what they do." " Uh, what was that?" " What was what?" "This:" "You waved me off." " Ha, ha, don't be ridiculous." "I did not." " Ah, there, you're doing it again." "I'm his mom and I need him to clean up his mess." "Okay, fine." "Axl, listen to your mom and clean up your mess." "I saw that." " What?" " You winked." "You just winked." "Wha...?" "There was something in my eye." "No." "This is something in your eye:" "This is a wink:" "I know what a wink is." "It means, "Don't listen to your mom, she's crazy."" " Aah, it does not." " Oh, yes, it does." "Janet and I do it about you all the time." "Just wipe up the floor, Axl, before you leave the kitchen." "You heard your mother." "I'm already up." "I'll just do it." " For seven days," " Mike put up with my dad." "But on the eighth day, he hid." "There you are." "Yeah." "Just checking out the hot water heater." " It's been acting funny." " Maybe I can help you out." "Did I ever tell you about the time I met the weatherman Storm McMartin?" "I mean, he's walking along the street." "Oh, hey." "Look, here it is." "Yeah, that's the problem." "Better go to the hardware store, get another one." " I'd ask you along, but..." " Sure, I'll keep you company." " Okay, kids." " What's up, Grandma?" "Well, your grandpa and I were chatting on the way down here." "And we thought that we would give you all a little something extra." "It's not your Christmas, it's just for a fun." "A hundred dollars, oh, my God!" " Grandma, you're the best." " This is insane." "My first Benjamin." "Mom, that's an awful lot of money." "Oh, well, we can't take it with us, right?" "Woo-hoo!" "I am done spinning arrows." "I'm rich, ha, ha." "Hang on." "Sue, you're making your own money." "Doesn't that feel good?" "And, Brick, you were excited about those coupons you were making for us." "Let's be honest, I was never gonna honor them." " Ah, Mom, listen." "You didn't know this..." " Hmm." "...but Mike and I decided to do a more simple Christmas this year." "You know, not about stuff and things, more about family and being together." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't know." "Okay, kids." "Your mom wants you to give the money back." " What?" "Are you kidding me?" " No, Mom, I'm not giving this back." "Come on, you heard her." "No money." "No, no, no, you don't have to give the money back." "Why don't I put it in your bank accounts where it'll make a half-a-percent?" "Deck the halls with boughs of holly" "Dah-dah-dah, dah dah dah dah" "God, it feels good to sing." "Not doing the skit, Tag." " Should we ask for help?" " You know, we could split up." "Excuse me, there." "Uh, Kevin." "Listen, would you help my son-in-law out here?" "He's got a busted water heater part." "Show him." " No, I'm good." " Don't be afraid to ask for help." "My friend, Cecil Maynard, wouldn't ask for help." "Guess what happened to him?" "Choking." "Bam, face first right in his soup." "Help me, Kevin." "Whoa!" "Never seen one break like that through normal use." "Unfortunately, we don't have this part in stock now." "Not gonna get it until after the holidays." "You're looking at cold showers." "I love a cold shower." "You know why?" "Well, you take a..." " He just keeps talking, Frankie." " Ugh." "You know how I feel about talking." " And he won't give up on that skit." " You really should do the skit." " What are you doing?" " Oh, Brick ate too much fudge." "Poor kid just crawled behind the chair like a cat and barfed." "I told my mom to ease up on the fudge." "She wouldn't listen." "Aha." "She's getting to you." "Twelve days starting to feel a little long, Frankie?" "For your information, this is the best Christmas of my life." "How much fudge did he eat?" "What do you got there?" " Nothing." " Really?" "It looks like an igloo." "Does it?" "Oh, yeah." "Sort of, I guess." "Axl." "Glossners." " What happened?" " They looked at the igloo and smiled." "You left it?" "They're gonna try and destroy it." "Get a rope, tennis racket, shovel, bicycle chain and a frying pan." "It's all in there." "Good news." "Found a replacement part in Terre Haute." "Tag's on his power walk." "If you wait, he can go with you." "Can't." "Store's closing." "Gotta go." "Hi, Dad." "We're gonna kill the Glossners." "Okay, have fun." "Oh, come on." "Come on." "Come on." " There you are." " Ah!" "Thought you were gonna leave without me." "So did I." "It was the night before Christmas, and Mom was in her kerchief  and I was in my cap  and the kids were trying to figure out how to kill the Glossners." "Glossners are hiding in the bushes." "Saw them when Grandma took fudge to the Donahues." " I used her as a human shield." " I'm cold." " I told you we needed a fireplace." " You can't put a fireplace in an igloo." "The Eskimos do it all the time." "Eskimos aren't even real." "They're just in stories, like leprechauns and trolls." "Would you two stop fighting?" "Look at us." "We're fighting with each other, fighting with our neighbors." "Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace and joy, goodwill toward men." "Even Glossners." "Somebody has to make the first gesture." "I'm going out there." " What are you doing?" " Sue, no." "After Sue crawled to safety under the car  I called a truce and sent the Glossners home and my kids to bed." "After all, it was the eve of our first simple Christmas." "And it was perfect." "We did it." "We didn't go overboard." "Sue's getting the iPod she wanted, Brick the talking globe, Axl a new amp." " You know what we filled this house with?" " Hmm." "Instead of gifts, we filled it with love." " Does that make you feel good?" " Yup." "One more day." "What the hell?" "Santa?" "No, those are Santa gifts are over there." "I don't know what these are." ""From Grandma and Grandpa"?" ""From Grandma and Grandpa."" "Can you believe this?" "Can you believe that she would do this?" "I told her we that were doing a simple Christmas." "Okay, well, she's not getting away with this." "What happened to "be patient" and "Christmas is about family"?" "Look at all these presents." "You know what this is?" "This is a big winking wave-off from my mom." "Yeah, well, I am the mom in this house and what I say goes." "What are you doing?" "Getting these in the garage before the kids wake up." "Stuff some in a bag." "Mom, why are you taking our presents?" "Why?" "Uh..." "Ugh." "See, the thing is, Brick..." "Frankie, what on earth are you doing?" " Presents." "Sweet." " There's a gazillion presents over there." "No, no, no." "Hey." "Hey..." "Guys, there's more of them over here." " No..." " Take it over there." "Guys." "Guys." "Ugh." "Did anybody look in their stocking and find a refreshing treat?" "No..." "Hey, stop it." "Guys, stop." "Stop it!" "Frankie, why don't you let them open their presents?" "Because I told you we were doing a simple Christmas." "Well, I didn't think you meant us too." "Oh, you knew it meant you too." "And you ignored me." "You've been winking and waving at me all over the place since you got here." "Well, I am sorry, Frankie, but there is no way I was participating in that insanity." "A simple Christmas is just really a lame idea." " I told you not to tell her that." " Well, you don't cut back at Christmas." "It's Christmas." "Who are you people?" "When I was a kid, for my allowance, I got 1 cent for every year of my life." "That means when I was 12, I got 12 pennies, Mom." " Twelve pennies." " Well, back then, we were parents." "Now we're grandparents." "We have to be grand." " It's in the title." " There ain't no pockets in heaven." "Talking globe?" "Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa." "You got him the talking globe?" "Yes, I did, and I would do it again." "The only good thing about getting older is you get to be popular." "If I have to buy those kids' love, I will." "Let's get that straight right now." "We were trying to learn a lesson." "We were all gonna be better people." "Yeah, well, I didn't drive 140 miles to watch my grandkids learn a lesson." "What, did you read an article or something?" "Relax, your kids are gonna be fine." "I just wanted them to have heartfelt Christmas." "You know, to appreciate the orange." "What's the orange?" "The orange in the stocking." "The Depression." "Your mom got an orange, she was really grateful." "Oh, God." "That?" "You get oranges year round now." "Who cares?" "I care, I care, I care!" "She always flips out at Christmas." "I think she gets too excited." "Oh, no, no, no." "Don't you look at Mike like I'm the crazy one." "He is in there with me." "You're driving him nuts." "He hates it how you follow him all over the place telling him all your stories." "He hates it." "He hates it to himself, but he hates it." "I told you to give Mike some space." " Hey, crazy." " I'm a horrible, horrible person." "It's Christmas and I yelled at my parents." "Frankie, I told you nobody should have their family in their house for 12 days." "It goes against nature." "It's why animals in the wild don't come home for Christmas." "You're right." "It's too long." "I just wanted everyone to remember this year as special." "Now all they're gonna remember is that I got all Grinchy and tried to steal the presents and went off on my mom." " They're not gonna remember it for that." " They will." " No, they won't." " How do you know?" "Because they're gonna remember it for something else." " Eight maids a-milking" " Seven swans a-swimming" "Six geese a-laying" "Five golden rings" "Four calling birds" " Three French hens" " Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "It turned out to be one of our best Christmases yet." "Everyone remembered it as the year Mike did the skit." "The kids finally learned to appreciate the oranges." " As for my parents and me?" " We're fine." "We know that no matter what gets said, we love each other." "And after all, Christmas is about family." "It's as simple as that."