"[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "In last week's episode of Soap," "Jodie told Mary that Burt needs help because now he thinks he's invisible." "Mary told Jodie Burt doesn't need help, he was just joking." "Whereupon Burt almost blew up the house." "Mary now agrees with Jodie." "Meanwhile, an attorney, after meeting with Jessica, told Chester he couldn't win Jessica's case if Chester was the judge and the Tate family was the jury." "He told Chester to plead guilty." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters:" "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates." "And these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ARGUING]" "[GRUNTING]" "[♪♪♪]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi, is...?" "I never give." "No, what I want is..." "Money." "You people." "Well, what's the matter?" "Don't you have enough stained glass?" "[CHUCKLING]" "Tim." "Corinne." "She knows me, we're friends." "Oh, you're that priest." "Father Timothy Flotsky." "We have some of you people in Sweden, you know." "Well, we get around." "I always hated them." "Such an exclusive bunch." "Always going on about heaven as if they were the only ones who could go there." "The church doesn't really believe that..." "Corinne, I have to go out." "Sweetheart, give Mama a kiss." "Mwah." "I guess it's safe leaving." "The only good thing about you priests is a mother doesn't have to worry about her daughter with you." "[LAUGHING]" "So that's your new mother." "Yeah." "I like the old one better." "So, listen, Corinne, I came to say goodbye." "Goodbye?" "Yes." "I'm going away for a while on a retreat." "Where?" "I'm not gonna tell you." "Oh, please?" "I can come visit you." "No, you can't come visit." "You can't visit a retreat." "Anyway, it's on top of a mountain." "So?" "There are roads up mountains." "It's a Canadian mountain." "There are no roads." "Please take me with you." "Corinne, it's a religious retreat I'm going on." "It's for priests with problems." "What problems?" "You." "Me?" "Yes." "I think about you all the time." "That's wonderful." "No, it's not." "I'm not supposed to be thinking about you at all." "I told my superior, and he told me to go away and meditate." "I'm praying it'll work." "Please take me with you, Tim." "You're all I have." "What are you talking about?" "You've got two fathers and two mothers." "I hate my parents." "Which ones?" "All of them." "Oh, come on, you don't hate them." "I do." "Please, don't leave me, Tim." "I have to." "Well, when will you be back?" "Tim?" "Hopefully never." "What are you talking about?" "If it works, if I'm able to forget about you, Corinne, then they'll transfer me and make me stay away until you're too old to tempt me, and I'm too old to care." "Goodbye, Corinne." "You mean I might never see you again?" "Oh, Tim." "Oh, don't cry, Corinne." "Please, I can't deal with crying now." "That Swedish lady took all my energy." "Just say goodbye." "Tim, if we're never gonna see each other again can we at least kiss goodbye?" "Come on, Corinne, be serious." "I'm never gonna see you again for the rest of my life and you won't even let me kiss you goodbye?" "Corinne!" "Please?" "I'll kiss you on the forehead." "[GROANS]" "Come on." "For me?" "Close your eyes." "Please, God," "I need him more than you do." "[♪♪♪]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "JODIE:" "Burt, would you open the door?" "All right, we're gonna pick the lock." "We're gonna do some lock picking now, Burt." "All right, Danny, do your stuff." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hey, I thought this was one thing he knew how to do." "This is a complicated lock." "Yeah, sure." "Wait, I got a credit card." "Get out of here." "You can't open a door with a credit card." "Excuse me." "[DOORKNOB CLICKING]" "Hey, what the hell do you guys think you're doing?" "The door was locked, Burt." "Of course it was locked, I'm taking a bath." "Burt, uh, you've been in here for a day and a half now." "So, what are we doing now?" "Are we timing people in the bathroom?" "Uh, Burt, I think maybe you should go see Dr. Medlow." "You know, talk to him." "He's a psychiatrist." "Maybe he can help." "Yeah, Burt, we think that maybe you're having a slight nervous breakdown." "I know what you're doing." "I know, I know." "If you can convince other people I'm crazy, then the police won't pay attention to my findings and that'll make it safe for the four of you." "No, Burt." "Burt, come on." "Well, what are we having here, a party?" "No, they broke in." "Well, I, for one, am getting sick and tired of using the downstairs bathroom." "I almost killed myself on the steps last night." "Okay, everybody out." "Mom." "Out." "Out." "Hm?" "See you, Burt." "Let's go, come on." "Hi." "Oh, Mary, there's something very important I have to discuss with you." "Good." "Get in the tub, please." "Because, darling, I want to talk to you." "Get in the tub?" "Get in the tub so we can talk." "Burt," "I think you should see someone." "I think you need help." "That's what I want to talk to you about." "Get in the tub." "Darling, you're not yourself." "I'm not myself?" "No." "Yes, then who am I?" "I mean, who, Mary?" "Who?" "I mean, if you think I'm not me, who do you think I am?" "Burt, that's not what I mean." "That's what you said, though, Mary." "You said, "Darling, you're not yourself."" "So, naturally, that's what I heard." "So then I said:" ""Oh." "Who do you think I am?"" "And, uh, quite frankly, Mary, if you really think that I'm somebody else, then I think you're the one who needs a lot of help here." "So, please, get in the tub and let's do some talking." "Ah." "Well, I'll tell you, if we can't get him out of that bathroom, maybe we can get that psychiatrist guy to come over and do a house call." "If you want my opinion, we ought to have him committed." "Committed?" "Come on, what are you talking about?" "You're talking about committing somebody, Chuck." "I love it." "From a man who thinks his dummy is real." "But, Burt, you're always in the basement." "Really?" "Yes." "Am I in the basement now?" "Well, no." "Ah." "Therefore, I am not always in the basement." "You've been in the bathtub for a day and a half." "First the basement, now the bathtub?" "Mary, please, make up your mind." "What's troubling you, the basement or the bathtub?" "Was that your foot?" "Yes." "Good." "Because if it wasn't, there's somebody else in here with us." "Darling, sometimes you say things that, uh, sound a little strange." "Like what?" "Well, that you're invisible." "You don't think I know how strange that is?" "You do?" "Of course." "Are you kidding?" "I didn't know you did." "Invisible?" "Come on, Mary." "It's ridiculous." "I di..." "I mean, I had no..." "Invisible?" "Who ever heard of anybody being invisible?" "[LAUGHING]" "Unless, of course, you have the Ring of Power." "The Ring of Power?" "Uh, Mary, please, watch your feet." "Burt, do you have it?" "What?" "This Ring of Power?" "Don't be silly." "Well, that's a relief." "Because for a minute there, I thought you were telling me that you had this ring thing that made you invisible." "[LAUGHING]" "No, no, no." "I can be invisible without it." "You think you can be invisible?" "Mary, I..." "It's the damnedest thing." "Well, you see, what happens is sometimes I go into a room and people say, "Hi, Burt."" "Well, then, of course, I know I'm not invisible." "But other times, I go into a room, think people can see me, but nobody says anything." "Those are the times I'm invisible." "Huh?" "Now, I don't know how to control it yet, Mary, but when I can..." "When I can, I'm gonna blow this investigation wide open." "Can you imagine it?" "I can go anywhere." "I can hear everything, I can see everybody, and nobody can see me." "I will also be able to get into the movies free." "Burt, you cannot make yourself invisible." "No?" "No." "All right." "Watch." "Well, can you see me?" "See?" "I told you." "Burt, you're not invisible." "[THROWS VOICE] All right, where am I?" "Right there." "Ah, no." "You knew that before." "I can see you, I can see you." "You sure you can see me?" "Yes." "Pfft." "It doesn't work when you're wet." "Listen, Mary, I'll tell you what." "After our bath, while you're making dinner," "I'll kind of dry off and blow-dry my hair, and then I'll become invisible for you." "[IMITATES FANFARE]" "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..." "No." "Members of the jury..." "No." "My friends, search your hearts and tell me if you think this lovely young widow, this mother..." "Look at her." "I ask you to look at her." "Are you looking at her?" "And if you are looking at her, tell me if you're convinced that she is guilty of this heinous crime of which she's been accused." "That was my Clarence Darrow- Spencer Tracy combination." "Oh, very good." "Now, in your wife's case, Tate, you're in luck." "I like it." "You like it?" "I like it." "Oh, that's terrific." "What exactly do you like about it?" "It's almost impossible." "What?" "She's got everything against her." "No alibi, murder weapon, motive." "It couldn't be worse." "And you like that?" "I love it." "The challenge, it excites me." "If I lose, I don't look bad, because they didn't expect me to win." "[MOUTHING]" "If I win, I'm a hero." "Ah, it's terrific, Tate." "It's terrific." "She's almost as good as dead." "I love it." "Well, I'm, uh, flattered, I guess." "Well, we'll arrange to meet her the day after tomorrow..." "Don't you think we should discuss your fee?" "I hear that..." "I hate to talk money, Tate." "I hate it." "I see." "Well, perhaps you could write it down on a piece of paper." "A ballpark figure, just to give me an estimate." "Thank you." "[GROANS]" "That's your fee?" "That's it." "You could buy a small nation with this." "I don't have to recite my record to you, do I, Tate?" "You remember the Robinson case?" "She was seen pulling the trigger." "There were pictures of her chuckling over the dead body." "Remember what happened?" "I not only got her off, I got her damages from his estate." "I know that you're the best." "I mean, I know that." "That's why I'm here, uh." "It's just that, uh, you see, I've had to mortgage the house to raise the bail for Jessica, and, well, things are kind of tight right now." "It's okay, Tate." "I understand." "There are other lawyers, I'm not the only one." "I'm the best, but I'm not the only one." "So if your wife isn't worth the additional money, it's..." "I could give you a cheque for part of it now and then in a few days, I could give you..." "Forget it." "A handshake is enough for me." "I trust you." "Thank you." "Because if you ever decide not to pay, I'll see that your wife fries." "[♪♪♪]" "MAN [OVER PA]:" "Airbus Inc., Flight 137, nonstop to Rio de Janeiro is now ready for boarding at Gate 42." "I am really not too crazy about taking this flight." "I saw the pilot go by before, and he walked directly into a pillar, tipped his hat, said, "Excuse me," and got on the plane." "[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]" "What does that mean in English?" "See, I don't speak whatever it is you're speaking." "BENSON:" "Mrs. Tate." "JESSICA:" "Oh, hello, Benson." "Come on, come on." "We're going home." "No, Benson, I can't go home." "I'm flying down to Rio." "It was really very nice of you to come and see me off, but I've gotta get out of the country." "They're going to hang me." "Mrs. Tate, you're white and rich, they ain't gonna hang you." "Benson, I am a fugitive." "But you mustn't tell anybody." "Nobody knows." "It's a secret." "How do you know?" "Well, I read the note you left." "That note was meant for Mr. Tate." "Well, I..." "I read all Mr. Tate's mail." "You open Mr. Tate's mail?" "Well, I didn't say I opened it, I said I read it." "You know, you hold it up to the light there you can see right through it." "Isn't that a federal offence?" "So is jumping bail." "Oh, Benson, everybody will be much better off without me." "I mean, I am nothing but a burden." "I'll probably love Rio." "And when all of this murder business has blown over," "I'll come back with lots of presents and teach everyone to do the samba." "MAN:" "Airbus Inc., Flight 137 is in its final boarding stage." "Everyone should be onboard at this time." "Bye-bye, Benson." "Mrs. Tate." "Now, before you go flying down to Rio, I think you should know what happens if you do." "What?" "They keep the bail money Mr. Tate put up." "They do?" "Which means he loses the house and all the savings." "So while you're down there on the conga line he's gonna be up here on the bread line." "Oh, dear." "Well, I guess I can't go." "That's right." "Come on." "[♪♪♪]" "Benson, what's going on?" "I came as soon as I got your message." "Mm-hm." "Look at this." "Will you look at this?" "And it's all your sister's fault." "Benson, you told me to get right over here." "Is this why?" "This was once a 9-pound sirloin roast." "It is now a little black rock." "Benson." "A dried-up, little black rock." "Benson, why did you tell me to come right over here?" "Because your sister's crazy." "Well, what did she do?" "I put a roast in the oven, she decides she's going to Rio." "I haul her back from the airport, she decides she's gonna move out and take an apartment." "Mr. Tate will come home, his wife will be gone, and he'll have a little black rock for dinner." "Jessica, where are you going?" "Oh, Mary, I'm going to rent a small apartment." "Probably near the courthouse, as that's where I will doubtless be spending a great deal of my time." "Why in the world are you doing this?" "Oh, Mary, let's face it." "Being a suspected murderess," "I am nothing but a burden to Chester and an embarrassment to the entire family." "Now, if I were needed here, that would be one thing." "I mean, I would still be a burden and a stigma, but I would be a needed one." "As it is, I'm not needed, Mary." "No one would even notice if I were gone." "What are you talking about?" "Of course you're needed." "No, I am not, Mary." "You're needed much more than I am." "Don't be silly." "I am not." "Mary, please, you are." "Your husband's going crazy." "He needs you to look after him." "And Jodie, just very recently, tried to commit suicide." "He needs to be watched." "Somebody was trying to murder Danny, so he needs protection." "See?" "You have all of that." "What have I got?" "I mean, my children are never home, so I don't need to take care of them." "Benson takes care of the house." "The gardener takes care of the roses." "There's nothing for me to do." "I mean, I did try to do hospital work, volunteer, but they asked me to leave because I cried so much." "It was very depressing for the patients." "See, Mary," "I'm a completely unnecessary person." "[♪♪♪]" "I'm..." "I'm like Eunice's Raggedy Ann doll that sits on her bed, old and kind of worn-out." "And nobody even looks at it anymore." "But nobody has the heart to throw it away, because, well, it's..." "It's just been there so long." "Jessie, we love you." "People aren't needed because of what they do for you, they are needed because of the way they make you feel." "And we love you, Jess." "We all love you." "What could be a more important reason for being needed than that?" "Love?" "I need you, Jess." "I couldn't get through half my days without you." "Really, Mary?" "I swear, I swear." "Oh." "Oh, Mary." "Benson, guess what." "What?" "I'm staying." "Wonderful." "You know, I was thinking, Benson, perhaps I could be more of a help to you around the kitchen, for instance." "Now, take that roast, for example." "You overcooked that." "[♪♪♪]" "Okay, Chester, what is it?" "CHESTER:" "What is what, love?" "The bad news." "What are you talking about?" "Chester, the only time you ever bring me here is when you have something awful to tell me because you figure here I won't scream." "[CHUCKLES]" "Eat your soup, Claire." "How's the car running?" "I don't know, I haven't used it in weeks." "You know, I think we ought to sell it." "Why?" "Well, you never use it, it just sits in a garage for $200 a month." "That's a waste." "And the money could be put to much better use, right?" "Right." "Like what?" "Jessica's bail." "You want to sell my car for Jessica's bail?" "Well, I did buy you the car, Claire." "You never use it." "And the bail is unbelievable." "Every little bit helps." "Come on, hon, what do you say?" "All right." "That's my girl." "So you did bring me here for a reason, just like I said." "You figured I'd make a scene about selling the car." "No, actually I figured you'd make a scene about selling the apartment." "What?" "Well, I did buy it for you, Claire." "My apartment?" "Claire, I have to." "The attorney's fee is astronomical." "You're going to sell my apartment?" "And where am I supposed to sleep, Chester, in the car?" "Well, no, because, remember, I'm selling that." "I don't believe this." "Claire, Jessica's in real trouble." "Perfect." "Perfect." "For 12 years I've been waiting, Chester." "For 12 years!" "Spare me, Claire." "Spare me the "12 years" speech." "Chester..." "I didn't handcuff you, Claire." "You knew I was married, you chose to wait." "But you promised you'd leave her." "You promised." "Of course I promised, you were blackmailing me." "You mean you're not going to leave her?" "That's right." "Well, you were wrong, Chester." "Because bringing me here is not going to prevent me from making a scene." "[SCREAMING]" "Are you finished, Claire?" "Not quite." "Because now, Chester," "I am going to report your irregularities to the Securities and Exchange Commission." "Perhaps you and Jessica can serve time together." "Fine, Claire, do whatever you have to do." "One more thing, Claire." "You're fired." "Ah." "Operator," "I want the number of the Securities and Exchange Commission, please." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Burt ever come out of the bathtub?" "And if he does, will he be all wrinkled?" "Will Father Tim's retreat in Canada cure him of Corinne?" "Or will he take up hockey?" "Will Chester be able to pay" "E. Ronald Mallu's enormous fee for Jessica's defence?" "And now that Claire has called the SEC, will he have any money left over for his own defence?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience."