"Hey." "Hey, baby." "How was work?" "Oh, Carol got this new sweater and it is the ugliest thing you've ever seen." "It's green and..." "Yeah, that's good." "What else is going on?" "Oh, I got a call from Mike's guidance counselor today." "Yeah, so what was Mike doing now?" "Cheating, smoking, peeking in the girls' locker room?" "Apparently, everybody in his grade took some sort of aptitude test and Mike..." "What failed?" "Copied?" "Spelt his name wrong?" "No, he scored really high." "Oh." "I always expected to get a call about one of the kids being really high." "I just never thought it would be about a test score." "Well, apparently, he's right on the border between the honors classes and the regular ones." "So, the guidance counselor said it's up to us to decide." "What the hell kind of guidance is that?" "Normally he just says, "Put him on Ritalin and see if that helps."" "Hasn't worked for me yet." "Hey." "You want to try to find more rocks that look like famous people?" "I can't." "I have to write this stupid poem for English about my secret desire." "I'm listening." "I got nothing." "Everything I've tried sounds like a letter to Penthouse Forum." "Well, I have tons of poems in my journal." "I can give you one if you want." "You keep a journal?" "Yeah." "And you write poems in it?" "Yeah." "Isn't that a little...?" "Hey, you want one or not?" "So which class am I supposed to go in?" "Just remember, even though the honors class means more work, it'll allow you to live up to your full potential." "Yeah, technically, that's true." "But on the other hand, since you're on the border, if you moved up, you'd automatically be the dumbest kid in the smart class." "Okay, now I'm even more confused." "That's because you're listening to your father." "Let me see if I can explain this better." "It's kinda like, uh, when you play tennis with a really strong player; it makes you play a little better." "Right, right." "But if you listen to your mother, you're never gonna have time to play tennis or do anything fun ever again." "But it's totally up to you." "Yeah, I'm sure you'll make the right decision." "You're gonna do great in that new smart kid class." "Listen to your father, okay?" "If you move into that smarty class, all your friends are gonna hate you and beat you up." "What, what was all that about?" "How could you not want him to get into that better class?" "That school puts enough pressure on the kids." "Between all the homework, extra-credit assignments and after school programs, they hardly have enough time to be kids." "Plus, I can barely help him with his homework now." "He gets into that smart class and I'm gonna need a tutor." "I don't know why I'm surprised." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, you know." "It's not like you're the most ambitious guy in the world." "I'm not ambitious?" "What does that mean, huh?" "I go to work." "I make a living." "How do you think we could afford this nice house?" "Well, the fact that the living room was still considered a crime scene when we bought it didn't hurt." "Oh, the smell went away after a couple of months." "Look, I'm not saying you're not a hard worker." "But let's face it, you never wanted to move up to sales manager or start your own company." "Hey, it's no big deal." "It's just true." "You're not that ambitious." "Okay, wait." "What do I do again when somebody criticizes me?" "Oh, yeah, I turn it back on them." "Me?" "What about you?" "Me?" "When did this become about me?" "Don't try to change the subject, okay?" "Your doctor's office job, you work 20 hours a week." "Between all the coffee breaks and lunches with the girls, that comes to what, two to three hours of actual work, huh?" "Doesn't sound very ambitious to me." "Okay, what do I do when he criticizes me?" "Oh, yeah." "Blame it on the kids." "Hey, I'm a mother." "I have to take care of our kids when they come home from school." "Look, maybe working part-time made sense when they were young, but Vicky, let's face it." "The next diaper that's gonna be changed in this house is gonna be one of ours." "Joe do you think I lack ambition?" "Cable out last night and you had to talk to the wife?" "I mean, I go to work." "9:00 to 5:00 every day." "A little overtime every now and then." "Burn that 6:00 oil." "Right." "I'm up 12% in sales from last year." "That doesn't happen on its own." "I mean, what does she think I do all day?" "It's almost 3:30, Joe." "We should be getting back to the office." "Hey, Hillary." "I've got a problem at school." "Ah, just ignore it." "Who cares what people say about you?" "Actually, it's about whether to go into the honors program, but..." "Wait, people say things about me?" "You can't blame them." "Okay, here's the deal." "If I go into the honors program, I'll have a built-in excuse for getting bad grades." "Wow, maybe I should go into the honors program." "On the other hand, everyone's gonna call me a geek and I'll have no chance of landing a hot girl." "I mean, I'll be facing Larry-like odds." "Oh, yeah, I see your point." "But being in honors could actually improve my chances." "There are 22 hot girls in the regular program and about 300 guys which means" "I have a one-in-14 probability of getting one." "But in honors, I'd be the one normal guy competing for the one cute girl." "My odds go from 7% to 100%." "So, balancing all those factors, what do you think I should do?" "I think you should go into the smart group 'cause I don't even know what the hell you're talking about anymore." "Hey, honey." "Hi, sweetie." "Listen, I wanted to tell you, about yesterday," "I'm sorry if I gave you a hard time about..." "Oh no, please." "Forget it." "You were totally right." "Well, what exactly was I right about just, uh, so I could be right again someday?" "I have gotten lazy and the kids don't need me as much." "In a few years, the kids'll be gone and then what'll I do?" "Are you ready for your third sex of the day?" "Hell, yeah." "I'm sure you'll be able to fill your day somehow." "You know, before I stopped working full-time," "I was one of the best buyers at that department store." "So today, I decided to call my former assistant, Diane Starky, you remember." "No." "Yeah, yeah." "You know, the one with the short red hair." "I never heard of her." "She never wore a bra." "Oh..." "Diane, how is she doing?" "Great." "Anyway, she's a VP at Bergdorf's and it turns out she's looking for a buyer in sportswear, so I have an interview tomorrow." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "I don't want her to go back to work full-time." "She's gonna be too tired to do the important stuff around here, like the laundry... and me." "That's exciting news, honey." "Good for you." "But what about the doctor's office job?" "I mean, that's so convenient for you." "And Bergdorf's is in the city and you won't get home till late." "That's gonna be a nightmare, you know... for you." "But this is such an amazing opportunity." "And do you have any idea the amount of money I'd be making?" "About four times what I make now." "You know what?" "If this is important to you, I say go for it." "Hey, Mom." "Hey, uh, your English teacher just called." "Mrs. Lerner called here?" "Why?" "She wanted to talk about a certain poem you wrote." "She said you got an "A."" "Of course." "She called to say I got an "A."" "I mean, why else would she be calling?" "I can't think of any reason, 'cause there is no other reason, it was because I got an "A" which is what I thought all along" " I got an "A."" "Well, I'm not surprised." "Anyone who writes a poem that original, that touching, deserves an "A."" "Way to go, Lar." "She liked it so much, she submitted you for a Golden Key Award and you're getting one." "Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you." "A Golden Key Award." "What is that?" "An annual event in Albany where the Lieutenant Governor gives key-shaped pins to deserving young writers." "Hey, honey." "Guess what?" "Larry won an award for a poem he wrote and the presentation is this Saturday in Albany." "Aren't you gonna say something?" "Yeah, you're taking him." "Nobody has to take me." "I don't need to go to that." "I mean, it's not a big deal." "Not a big deal?" "I've always dreamed of winning a Golden Key Award." "Well, Kenny, if you ever write a poem as good as Larry's, maybe one day you will." "Yeah, maybe." "One day." "Hey, what is with you?" "Your kid won an award." "Would it kill you to give him a compliment?" "Sweetie, he won a poetry contest." "Okay, that's like this much better than him winning a wet T-shirt contest." "What do you want me to say to him?" "Oh, I don't know." "How about, "I'm impressed as hell."" "Or, "I'm really proud of your creativity."" "Honey, that's not exactly my style." "I know, that's why we're talking about this." "I'm shocked that my supposed best friend in the world would take credit for something he didn't do." "Hey, sh!" "What's my choice?" "Get punished, flunk the class, look like an idiot?" "And you could get in trouble, too" "Not if you say you stole it from me." "Are you crazy?" "I'm not going to say that." "My parents will throw me out of the house and I'll end up living in a refrigerator box down by the river and my new secret desire will be to find a half slice of pizza in the garbage." "Colorful story, Larry." "Who'd you steal it from?" "Look, my whole life I've dreamed of two things." "One is going to Albany." "What's the other?" "Having sex with Jessica Simpson." "Our friendship or the poem." "What's it going to be?" "Dad..." "I need to tell you something." "Can I say something first?" "About that poetry thing, I'm very proud of you." "I didn't communicate that before, but that's just because I was so in awe of your accomplishment." "Really?" "You're proud of me?" "Wait, how many beers have you had?" "There she is." "My little working girl." "Hey, I always thought I'd say that." "I just thought we'd be in the bad part of town looking for Hillary." "I got a bottle of bubbly to celebrate your job offer." "Yeah, well I wouldn't twist the cap off that champagne just yet, Dave." "What's the matter?" "I thought Diane offered it to you on the spot?" "Well..." "What, they didn't do a background check, did they?" "No, it's just that this is all happening so quickly." "I haven't even thought it through." "What's to think about, honey?" "This is for you." "This is for your happiness." "This is for four times as much as you were making before." "I love the idea of having it all." "What I don't love is waking up at 6:00 in the morning to catch the train into the city and the subway across town." "And then walking blocks in high heels." "Dave, I was so exhausted that on the train back after my meeting, some guy was squeezing my ass and I didn't stop him." "Because, frankly, I needed the massage." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "She's going to take that job." "Okay, time to pull out my secret weapon." "Don't worry, ladies, not that secret weapon." "It's okay, sweet." "I totally understand." "You're scared." "I'd be scared, too." "What?" "It's been a long time since you had a full-time job." "I'm not scared." "I'm tired and my feet hurt." "No, I understand." "Sweetie, don't beat yourself up about it, okay." "Some women are meant to be Oprah, others are meant to just watch Oprah." "Wait a minute." "Whoa." "What are you saying?" "That I can't do it?" "No, I think you can do it." "I think you think you can't do it." "Oh, I can do it." "I can be Oprah." "I can be thin Oprah if I want to be." "You know what, This is something that's going to impact all of us." "And I can't even think about taking this job until I know how the kids feel about it." "Fine, then we'll talk to them." "But I don't think Oprah has to ask her kids to okay her every move." "Oprah doesn't have kids." "Wow, she really does have it all." "Kids, your mother and I have some very important news to discuss with you." "They're getting a divorce." "We're not getting a divorce." "How many times do we have to tell you kids that?" "What the hell's the matter with you?" "We just have some news and I want to hear everybody's feelings about it." "Because it's going to mean some big changes around here." "You're pregnant again?" "!" "Everyone said you just put on some weight, but..." "I'm not pregnant!" "And for your information, I happen to weigh exactly what I weighed in college." "On another planet with less gravity." "So, what's the big...?" "Oh, my God." "You're dying." "I'm not dying!" "I got a new job." "No." "Not just a job." "A career." "Your mother's going to be a high-powered fashion executive at the world-famous Bergdorf's." "Isn't that great?" "Honey, I want to hear what they think." "Not what you think they should think." "Sorry." "So, what do you think about your mother's new job, huh?" "Be honest." "I'm cool with it." "Yeah, congratulations." "Wait a minute." "Slow down." "I have a very important question." "Yes." "Go ahead honey." "Tell me what you're thinking." "Go." "Is there an employee discount?" "Yes, 30%." "Do not screw this up." "Well, there it is, sweetie." "I don't see any other reason why you shouldn't take the job." "I'm going to go get that champagne." "Wait, wait." "Are you guys sure?" "Because if I take this job, it's going to mean a lot of changes around here." "You're going to have a lot more responsibility." "Honey, honey." "They are perfectly okay with this." "Right, kids?" "Uh, what kind of responsibilities?" "Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry." "Pass." "Yeah, count me out." "30%, huh?" "Screw it, you guys pay for my clothes anyways." "Do not take this job." "What am I hearing here?" "What's the matter with you animals, okay?" "Your mother has sacrificed her entire life for you guys." "And then all of a sudden she hears she has an opportunity for some happiness outside of this house, and this is how you monkeys behave?" "Huh?" "Where is this selfishness coming from?" "Well, I'm sorry, Mom." "If this is that important to you, I guess I'll do whatever I have to do." "Me, too." "Still pass." "Fine." "Okay." "Thanks you guys." "I guess I'll call Diane and tell her I'll take the job." "Congratulations, sweetie." "That's good." "You guys are such good kids." "I love you." "You're cooking, you're cleaning, you're doing the laundry." "What?" "How are you doing?" "Good." "So, how did it go the other day when you told your dad the poem was really mine?" "It went okay." "He took it pretty well." "Really?" "Then how do you explain this?" "It's the article from yesterday's school paper about you and your poem which apparently "came to you in a dream."" "Look, I'm sorry, Kenny." "I tried, but I couldn't do it." "And I know this sounds lame, but..." "I didn't want to disappoint my dad." "He's really proud of me." "Come on, Larry." "This has nothing to do with your dad." "You just want the glory of going to Albany and you don't care who you step on to get there." "Okay." "I'm starting to understand why he has a journal full of poems." "Okay, don't forget." "Mike has soccer practice after school and he won't be home till 5:00." "And somebody needs to go to the market because we out of... everything." "Relax, sweetie." "I got it under control, okay?" "Please tell me I'm doing the right thing?" "Look, first of all, I think you look beautiful, okay?" "And I think what you're doing is great, I do." "I mean, I'm going to let you in on a little secret, okay?" "At first I was just encouraging you because I wanted the extra money." "You're kidding?" "I had no idea." "Sometimes you're so hard to read." "No, I mean it." "You could've sat back and taken it easy, but instead, you're challenging yourself and you're setting an example for this entire family." "Okay, and if no one feels you up on the train ride," "I'm going to give you a massage when you get home." "I want you to know something." "This family always comes first." "Oh, hey, Mom..." "Not now." "I don't want to be late for the train." "Anyway, I've decided I rather be the smartest of the dumb kids so I'm going to stay where I am." "No, you know what?" "You're doing honors." "What?" "Why?" "You're the one who told me I shouldn't." "Yeah, well I wasn't smart enough for the honors class." "So what the hell do I know?" "I think you should push yourself, you know, like your mother is." "Yeah, but if I'm smart enough to get into the class aren't I smart enough to make my own decisions." "Don't get smart with me." "And what about all this stuff you've been saying?" "You know, how kids should be kids." "That's important, too." "But you'll have plenty of time to be a kid, all right?" "Hey, don't forget to pick up Hillary's sweater from the dry cleaners and I like dinner to be on the table by 6:00." "Oh, and, uh, stop by the supermarket, okay." "We're out of everything." "Dad, we need to talk." "You know how you were really proud of my poem?" "Yeah, I'm proud of you." "Very, very, very, very proud." "Yeah, well, um..." "I didn't write it." "Kenny did." "Oh, no big whoops." "What?" "That's all you're going to say?" "Oh, right." "You shouldn't cheat in school." "Or if you do, don't get caught." "Dad, you don't have to pretend that you're not upset." "I know how much me writing this poem meant to you." "I mean... all that stuff you said before." "Don't worry about that stuff." "Your mother told me to say that, all right." "Come on, it was a poem." "I didn't even read it." "How could you not read my poem?" "Look, I'll tell you something." "You write one by yourself, maybe I will." "I don't even know why I bother caring what you think." "I mean, is it too much to ask for you to be proud of me, just for once?" "Yeah, I don't know what I'm prouder of:" "the fact that you stole the poem or that you lied to everyone about it." "I only did that because I thought you were so happy for me." "And I didn't want to take that away from you." "Wait, hold on, Larry." "You didn't let me finish." "Would you let me finish?" "Hold on." "Okay, listen, it's true, I didn't really care about your poem." "But that doesn't mean that I'm not proud of you." "Yeah, whatever." "No, listen to me." "You know, it took guts to come in here and to admit the truth, okay?" "That tells me that you have character." "And that's something any father would be proud of." "Really?" "You mean it?" "Yeah, I mean it." "All right?" "You're a good kid." "Thanks, Dad." "Try and keep that in mind when they suspend me from school." "Don't worry about it." "Okay, there are 24 brussels sprouts which need to be eaten by the end of the week." "Tom eats two every other day." "Sally eats two three days in a row, but not on the fourth or sixth day." "And Jimmy cannot eat any on the same day as Tom." "How many brussels sprouts does Jimmy eat on the third day?" "None." "'Cause no one eats brussels sprouts." "They taste like crap." "Dad, come on." "I need to finish this, please." "Is it A, B, C, or D?" "All right, fine." "Give me a second." "The answer is C." "C?" "Okay, could you walk me through your thought process?" "Eenie, meenie, miney, moe." "Catch a tiger by the toe..." "Look, I gave you the answer, but I'm not going to spoon-feed you."