"I'm Josh Franklin." "I used to be an investment banker." "And I was pretty good at it." " Whiz kid..." " Genius..." " Financial Einstein." " I had it all." "Sweet job, a very tall girlfriend, and I was making crazy money." "Then I made a little mistake and sort of lost $200 million." " Idiot." " Moron." "What a dumb [bleep]." "What the heck went on?" "Could you explain yourselves?" "I don't know if this is appropriate or not, but don't hate the player, hate the game." "That is inappropriate." "I'm sorry." "The bank fired me and then went bankrupt two hours later." "There was only one place left for me to go." " Hello, son." " Dad." "Mom." "I'm sorry." "Oh, it's okay, sweetie." "We love you no matter what." "Right, Carl?" "I'm not there yet." "Look, dad, I know I messed up." "I lost your retirement money, and that's a biggie." "Dad, can I come in?" "It's cold." "Well, you're my son." "I think, legally, I have to say yes." "He's so sweet." "Sorry I'm here so late." "The only bus to big lake leaves at midnight." "Rough crowd at that hour." "The guy sitting next to me had a tattoo of a puma making out with the devil." "That's a fun story." "Pardon me if I'm not in the mood for a fun story." "40 years of savings," "$385,000 just disappeared." "Now I've got to go back to work in that restaurant" "I was finally going to sell." "Dad, I thought I was doing the right thing." "I really did." "Last year, the ceo of my company gave me a Maserati as a bonus." "Who gets a Maserati if they're not doing the right thing?" "Oh, jeez, I don't know, off the top of my head, scarface." "Would you like some beef stew, darling?" "You know, my bosses and all the business news channels said I was a genius." "You are a genius." "It's because of this new financial instrument I created." "I'd explain it to you, but it's kind of hard to understand." "Try me." "No, I mean I didn't understand it." "I had all these dreams for my retirement... walking down the beach contemplating my mortality, sleeping in the car while your mom shops at outlet stores, penning mystery novels under the name Eloise gardner." "Those dreams are dead, Josh." "No." "No, they're not." "Not yet." "I'm gonna get them back." "Hey, look, Josh is home." "Jeremy, look how big you're getting!" "Good to see you, little guy." "Jeremy, what are you doing up?" "Oh, just some extra math homework." "He's gonna be a doctor someday." "He's a good son." "You're a good son, Jeremy." "Thanks, pop." "All right, nighty-night." " Nighty-night." "He's a good son." "You know, I feel like, when you keep saying that he's a good son, the implication is kind of that I'm not a good son." "Jeremy's a good son." "Here's a chicken casserole." "When did you have time to make all of this?" "My diet pills give me a little extra oomph." "I want you both to know" "I'm here to make a solemn vow to you, my family." "And what would that be?" "I vow to stay in this house and sleep on this couch until I pay back every penny of the $385,000 I owe." "I mean it." "He's moving in?" "I'm gonna kill him, Linda." "I really am." "I won't even try to get away." "I'll go outside, sit on the curb, and wait for the police to come." "That's so sweet." "How is that in any way sweet?" "I just threatened our son." "I keep hoping if I say nice things, then things will somehow get nice." "You know, I know it's not under ideal circumstances, but it's good to be home." "You." "What have we here?" "Big brother thinks he can just move back home." "No, no, don't fight it." " What happened to your lisp?" " Shut up." "Now you listen." "I've got a nice little setup here." "I'm out every night from midnight to 5:00 making bank." "When you see me coming, you put your face in your little pillow, and you keep your mouth shut." "How do you make money in the middle of the night?" "I'm a facilitator." "I get things for people." "Organize raves." "Sell some drugs to keep it interesting." "What about school?" "I haven't been to school since sixth grade, numbnuts." " Mom and dad are gonna..." " No, you can tell mom and dad." "It's fine." "Go ahead." "They'll think you're loco." "Dad thinks you're gonna be a doctor." "I can't afford the pay cut." "Did you see that brand-new mustang gt parked two blocks down?" "That's mine." "I own that." "I street-race that bitch." "Are you evil?" "You tell me, vagina face." "Now this time is a warning." "Next time, I light your junk on fire." "See you at breakfast." "Hey, mom, I've got a concern about Jeremy." "See you later, guys." "I might be home late tonight." "I'm trying out for the music man." "Oh, wonderful." "Hey, big bro." "Maybe tonight we can make a pillow fort like old times." "Bye." "Break a leg, sweetie." "Thanks, mom." "Hello, Ms. Franklin." "I heard Josh was back in town." " Hey, Glenn." " Hey, Joshy!" "Hey." "So sweet." "So good to see you, man." "Yeah, man, I haven't seen you in years." " How are you?" " What's been going on, bro?" "Things have been pretty awesome since you left." "Yeah, man." "I went to jail." "Halo 2 came out." "Someone spray-painted "suck it"" "over the route 10 overpass." "This guy." "Awesome." "Awesome." "The pet shop got snakes." "Halo 3 came out." "That's everything." " So you went to jail?" " Yeah, totally." "Waseca minimum security." "Hey, bro, I'm so hungry." "Your mom still keep the fridge in the kitchen?" "So, wait, why'd you go to jail?" "Oh, man, it was stupid." "I went to the pet store, and I shoplifted a king snake." "I had the thing under my shirt, and it started biting me." "I freaked out, punched a dude, and then I crashed through the pet shop window." "About a month later," "I'm walking down maple, and I get pinched by the cops for carrying a bag of "shake."" "So that whole thing about the snake was just a non sequitur." "It had nothing to do with it, huh?" "Life doesn't make any sense!" "Hey, what's prison like?" "I ain't gonna lie to you, man." "It made me hard." "Yeah." "I wasn't in a gang, so I had to fend for myself." "Wait, you said it was minimum security." "There were gangs?" "Hells yeah, dude." "They'd roll 20, 30 deep." "And you knew who was all in a gang too because they'd be reading the same novel." "Later, they'd get together and talk about it at their gang meeting." "I think those were book clubs." "I had to get this so I wouldn't get shanked." "That's the book, not the movie." "So heard you lost all your dad's money." "That sucks." "Yeah, it's been real bad." "My dad is furious with me." " Yeah, well, he told everybody." " What?" "That's awful." "I'm sorry." "I made it sound worse than it was." "What he actually did was take his car, drive to the center of town, he jumped on the roof of the car, and he started screaming," ""my son Josh is dead to me!" "He lost all my money!"" "And then he lost his voice." "That's all." "That's way worse than the first way you said it." "Are you gonna criticize every word I say?" "I'm sorry, man, but I'm gonna pay him back everything I owe him." "All $385,000." "Mom, are you good enough to drive us to the bank?" "Yeah, we've got about a half an hour until the fog rolls in." "Your mom's still on the diet pills?" "Yeah, they make her crazy, but she can run a four-seven 40." "Wow." "That guy at the bank did not want to loan you $385,000." "I know." "What a jerk." "I wish I'd dragged down his bank." "You can't drag down every bank." "I could drag down his bank in, like, three hours." "Anyway, you know what, man, it's my fault." "Taking my shoes off in that guy's office was completely unprofessional." "There's got to be another way to pay off my dad." "Hey, weren't you, like, wicked rich?" "You must have something left we could sell." "What about that fancy baseball you gave Jeremy?" "Oh, my God, mom." "You're beautiful." "You are gorgeous." "You have big tits." "That's not where we're going with this, Glenn." "Sorry, man." "For Jeremy's birthday," "I bought him Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run ball." "That thing cost $700,000." "We'll put it on eBay." "We'll sell it." "Actually, it's probably worth a lot less now, you know, with the whole steroid scandal." "Yeah, and the perjury indictment." "And the decline of baseball as our national pastime." "I hadn't heard about any of this." "And another thing about Barry Bonds... he's a dick." "But still I bet we can get at least 50 grand." "That ain't bad." "Yeah, but didn't you buy that for Jeremy for a gift?" "He'll be fine." "Hmm." "Any bids on the Barry Bonds baseball yet?" "Not on eBay, but I put it on Craigslist, and I have three requests to see a picture of my penis." "Mrs. Franklin, do you have a camera on your cell phone?" "Yeah." "Here you go, dear." "Oh, we got a bid for $160 million from a bigwang69." "Don't get too excited." "That might not be real." "No?" "I'm getting discouraged." "I know Barry Bonds isn't beloved anymore, but that ball is still historic." "I got it!" "Chris Henkel, our senior history teacher." "The coolest, smartest teacher in our high school." "Yeah." "He used to let us call him Mr. h-bomb." "If anyone can help us sell an historic item to a high-profile collector, it's him." "Well, where is he now?" "I don't know." "Probably running a fortune 500 company or married to a model." "Probably living in Telluride." "Yeah, he's still at the school." "I saw him at a liquor store getting in a fight over a lottery ticket." "Really?" "That's great." "He's still hanging out, shaping young minds." "Hey, are you sure Jeremy's okay with us selling this ball?" "He'll be fine." "Mr. Henkel?" "What?" "It's me, Josh Franklin." "From your American history class ten years ago." "I was your favorite student." "No." "Really?" "'Cause we used to stay late after class and debate the civil war." "You once told me, "if stonewall Jackson" ""had been as stubborn as you, the south would have won."" "Wait, were you the kid with the hunchback?" "No." "Did I date your mom?" "I don't think so." "Mr. Henkel, you were the best teacher I ever had." "I remember, you used to jump up on your desk and say, "learning isn't everything." "It's the only thing."" " So this is in 2000?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay, yeah." "I burned out on teaching in 2001." "That's when I realized high school kids are all a-holes." "And then the desk jumping gave me this chronic back problem, so I was taking a lot of Vicodin." "Is your back better now?" "Well, if I stopped taking Vicodin for a few hours," "I could probably tell you." "Well, you inspired me, Mr. Henkel." "You made me the man I am today." "Really?" "Well, how are you doing these days?" "What did I make you into?" "He was fired from a bank, and he lives with his parents." "Not bad." "Mr. Henkel, we're trying to sell a rare baseball to pay my dad back." "I need you to help me help my dad." "I'd like to help, but I was kind of planning to move to Detroit." "You know, the auto industry is dying, poverty's sky-high, the schools are failing, they probably won't expect me to work that hard." "I could really slip through the cracks there." " I need you here." " I don't know." "Detroit's really in decline." "And I could show movies every class." "Maybe open some titty bars." "At least you'd be starting a business." "No, I mean I want to get there when they open." "'Cause the early-shift girls are more approachable." " Really?" "I thought it was the late-shift girls because they're more desperate." "Well, that's a whole other school of thought." "Now, don't get me wrong, I like desperate, but if you really want to see desperate, come watch a bunch of 40-year-olds..." "Mr. Henkel!" "Look, I'm a man on a mission, and with your help, there's no telling what we can accomplish in big lake." "I'm sorry, guys." "My future lies in Detroit." "Hey, you ought to consider coming with me." "I work the main stage, you guys loiter around the atm, we could do a lot of damage." " I'm in!" " No, you're not." "If you change your mind, we'll be at cheddar creek." "I know you'll make the right decision." "Come on, Glenn." "Hey, it's an interesting point you made about the early-shift girls." "Also, in the morning, there's no cover charge." "And on a teacher's salary, that's not nothing." "Glenn." "To be continued." "Okay." "I'll get the ball from Jeremy's room, you keep a look out." "But be careful." "He's not the cute little kid we remember." "Oh, don't worry." "Glenn's been in the joint." "He ain't afraid of nobody." "All right." "Josh is up in your room, and I told him not to go." "I swear, he wouldn't listen to me." "He wouldn't listen to me." "Glenn." "I don't even like Josh, man." "I'm on your side." "You need to stay out of my room, bitch." "I didn't put in hardwood floors up there so you could scuff 'em up with your high heels." "You are 13 years old." "Why are you like this?" "That's my ball." "I'm gonna sell it to pay back dad." "Whose signature is that?" "Marilyn manson?" "Yeah, and the dude got fat, but he still pulls a lot of quality tail." "Listen, if you guys want the ball, you can have it." "You just have to take this pill." "What is it?" "You'll find out." "Glenn, take it." "What?" "I don't even know what it is." "That's the deal." "Glenn, you have to take that pill." "Fine." "Drink a lot of water, my friend." " Mom?" " Yes, honey." "Can you drive us back to cheddar creek?" "Sure." "I have to go to the hair salon first, but you can tag along." "Mom, go sit over there by yourself." "Glenn and I need to talk." "Oh, sure, honey." "Sorry I sold you out to Jeremy, man." "I was so scared." "It's okay." "How's that pill going?" "It's wild, man." "Cleared out my sinuses real good." "I don't feel drowsy at all." "Mr. Henkel?" "Look, I was at the station, waiting to get a on a bus to Detroit, and I saw a child with his mom just needing someone to give him guidance." "And then I realized I didn't have enough for the bus." "So I thought, screw it, you used to be rich." "Maybe you'll get rich again." "And now that I see how awesome your hair looks," "I know I made the right decision." " You sure did." " How do you get it to do that?" "It's magnificent." "Oh, we'll show you." "It's not even that much product." "Really?" "'Cause I would have guessed a lot." "Nah, you take a little bit, rub it in your fingers, work it in real good, and then you take a vent brush and just go..." "Like a little bird." "Then you take a blow dryer, just work it in sections." "Take your time." "There's no hurry." "I'm worried about split ends." "Don't be, and here's why." "Okay, guys, here's the status update." "Tried to sell the ball on the Internet, but no go." "I got a lot of nice comments on my penis, but thems don't pay the bills." "They can if you've got an international mailing address." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Now that the ball's also been signed by Marilyn manson, we think it's worth about $10,000." "You know, the Mayor is always looking for ways to boost tourism since the lake dried up." "He might buy it for the town." "That right there..." "that's why you go and get a Mr. Henkel." "Great idea!" "Let's get the Mayor on the phone." "He's sitting over there." "That's how I thought of it." "Guys, I'm starting to trip balls." "Okay." "Keep cool." "Keep cool." "Let's go." "Guys, did you know every time you fart, the mysteries of the universe are revealed?" "But no one listens because they're too busy laughing." "Isn't that sad?" "Jeremy said drink lots of water." "Mr. Mayor, I'm Josh Franklin." "I believe you know Chris Henkel." "Let me get right to business." "How would you like to own a piece of americana?" "Who wouldn't?" "I'm offering you the opportunity to buy Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run ball." "Number 756." "Autographed." "I can see that you're interested." "What if I was to tell you that the ball is also autographed by Marilyn manson?" "Well, from your enthusiasm," "I'd say it's a bonus." "It is a bonus, Mr. Mayor." "You put a ball like that in a glass case at city hall, baseball and goth fans are gonna come from miles around." "Next thing you know, big lake's the place to be." "We wind up with a triple-a ball club and several top-notch piercing salons." "It'd be like a goth field of dreams." "Wow, that is the best baseball pitch I've ever heard." "No pun intended." "You know what, damn it, yeah, pun intended." "It may make a good centerpiece for our new recreational complex." "How much are you asking?" "A very reasonable $10,000." "Gosh, I hope he buys it." "There's one way you can help, Glenn." "You can eat that ball." "That doesn't make sense, John the baptist." "I mean, not at all." "But if spaceman and blurry lady are on board, let's do this." "You boys have got yourself a deal." "I like baseball, my daughter's a goth, maybe it'll help us spend more time together." "Oh, that's not the ball, is it?" "Glenn!" "No!" "Well, there goes your relationship with your daughter." "Yeah." "Linda, where have you been?" "And who are you?" "I'm Chris Henkel." "I made Josh what he is today." "Well, that grenade's too big for one man to fall on." "Dad, I'm sorry, but we didn't make any headway on getting your money back." "There's a shocker." "It's my fault, man." "I don't know how to handle my rave drugs." "Hey, you can't ignore a request from John the baptist, right?" "How do you know who I saw?" "Let's focus up, everyone." "Focus up." "Okay, guys, I'm willing to admit that today was a big setback." "But when I see some of the salon blowouts in this room," "I know that we can bounce back as a team." "When a raccoon gets knocked over on its back, what happens?" "It can't figure out how to get back to its feet, and eventually it dies." "But when three raccoons get knocked onto their backs, they huddle up, they make a plan, and they flip each other over with their long, striped tails." "You made him like this?" "Yes, I did, sir." "Yes, I did." " Mom?" " Yes, dear." "Can you drive Glenn and Mr. Henkel home?" "These guys are warriors, and, tonight, they do not walk." "Gentlemen." "Here." "What is this?" "It's the baseball Barry Bonds hit for his record-breaking 756th home run." " Great." " It reminds me of when I was a kid." "And we used to sit on this couch, watching the pirates play." "And every time Barry would get to the plate, you'd say, "if he hits a homerun right now," "I'll buy you an ice cream."" "No matter what happened, I'd always end up buying you that ice cream." "Did we just have a moment?" "No." "I don't think I'm the only one who teared up." "No, we didn't." "I'll show you my eyes if you show me yours." "Get a job."