"(barking orders)" "# Dee-dee-dee... #" "Well, well, well-- happy GIs in play." "Where's the action?" "Hey, Bilko?" "Somebody call me?" "Hey, you're the baseball expert" "around here." "Well?" "Well, I bet you can't answer this question." "I'll answer any question on baseball." "Well, here's five bucks says you can't answer this one." "Well, sir, I'll just cover that." "Five more?" "Glad to do business" "with you, Andy." "Don't forget me." "I'll never forget you." "All right, what's the question?" "All right, how's that go again?" "(whispering)" "Oh, yeah, I got it." "Bases are loaded." "None out." "Then there's three clean singles in a row and not a man scores." "How?" "Bases are loaded." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "None out?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Three clean singles in a row?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And not a man scores?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "It was a girls' baseball team." "Yeah." "PALMER:" "You did it again, Sarge!" "Hey, how about a little pool?" "Dollar a ball?" "Ah, come on, fellas." "Let's have some action around here." "This joint is dying on its feet." "Come on." "Let's look alive." "Look, I'm just nutty enough to bet on anything today." "Anything..." "I'll bet you anything you want... the next man that walks in here is barefooted." "Barefooted?" "Anything you want, I..." "Hi, Sarge." "Not yet!" "I didn't make the bet!" "What are you rushing...?" "!" "Hey, take a look at him." "He was ready to bet." "(laughter)" "Hey, uh, Sowici, you got any more baseball questions?" "Ah, you just wait, you guys." "Bilko will get his." "Oh, he's already got his, and he's got yours, too." "(laughter)" "KADOWSKI:" "Hey, get a load of this." "We got a new drill sergeant just transferred from Camp Hanley." ""Master Sergeant Quentin Q. Benton."" "Quentin Q. Benton?" "Maybe it's a WAC!" "(laughter)" "Hey, that's the... that's the sixth drill sergeant this year." "Quentin Q. Benton?" "He won't stay here long enough to pronounce his name." "Quentin Q. Benton-- can you see him trying to get Bilko to par..." "parade?" "Imitation-- "This is Sergeant Quentin Q. Benton." "Sergeant Bilko, parade."" "Quentin Q. Benton." "Quentin Q. Benton..." "Hi." "Welcome to Fort..." "What do you think, Beast?" "A chicken outfit." "You men hear that?" "Sergeant Benton thinks this is a chicken outfit." "Any questions?" "Yeah, I got a question." "Wait a minute..." "I'll handle this." "You're not kicking anybody around." "Come on, put 'em up..." "Hey, what are you trying to pull here?" "Now, look, you meatballs..." "I'm Corporal Krim, the sergeant's special secretary." "I'll handle all the little fund-raising like, uh, dances and, uh, and raffles that the sergeant thinks up." "But Sergeant Bilko handles things like that around here." "Bilko?" "Bilko?" "BILKO:" "Where are they?" "Where?" "I hear there's some new men on the post..." "Oh, there they are!" "Well!" "Welcome to Fort Baxter." "Now, you men will want some gifts to send home." "Little souvenirs of Army life?" "You're very lucky." "I just got this in." ""Home" and "Mother" pillows, chock-full of pine needles." "And rock-bottom prices, too." "I didn't introduce myself." "I'm Sergeant Bilko." "You can call me Ernie." "I feel... ow!" "Your friend is a little robust." "Well, sir, now that we've learned to trust each other you might be interested in the only genuine" "Fort Baxter stationery." "If you'll notice, it's beautifully monogrammed." "And it's only $2.00 a box." "Nice, I'll take one." "Here's a quarter." "All righty, put..." "Quarter?" "You don't understand." "They're worth at least $5.00 a box." "They are?" "Here, they're yours for $5.00." "Well, I'm a little overstocked with them right now..." "That's all right." "I trust you." "Handshake?" "I'd rather pay cash." "I hate to have little debts hanging over my head." "Well, there's a lesson for you boys." "Buy and sell-- it's the very lifeblood" "of the business world." "(banging)" "What is it?" "Does it want to be fed?" "What?" "What is that?" "KRIM:" "The Beast wants to play pool." "He wants to play pool." "Well, I'll be glad to accommodate you, but I must admit, I don't know too much about the game." "Ten dollars, eight ball, side pocket." "I'll just cover that bet." "Ah!" "Too bad, miss." "No, you don't seem to understand." "I win that bet." "You see, you bet that the eight ball would go into the side pocket, but it didn't go in." "I said, "Eight ball, side pocket."" "I didn't say it was going to go in." "Now, you see how he didn't say it was going to go in and I thought it was going to go in?" "And what do we learn from this, men?" "We learn to listen and learn and be alert." "All is not what it seems." "Listen." "(banging)" "What is it?" "Does it want some meat?" "Quiet!" "Quiet, men." "The Beast wants to talk." "Quiet, he's going to say a few words..." "Shut up!" "Now, hear this:" "I'm going to say this just once." "Here's what I don't like." "I don't like bald-headed guys with big mouths who wear glasses." "An honest opinion." "I don't say I agree with him." "But I'll defend with my life his right..." "Shut up!" "Shh, quiet." "Here's what I like." "Here's what he likes." "Make notes, men." "This is what he likes." "I like being a drill sergeant." "I like to drill guys until their tongues hang out." "I like to see them crawling through the mud." "I like to see them getting their faces scratched and sleeping all night out in the rain." "Funny, but that's the way I am." "That's the way he is." "Some men like women, he likes fellas scratched up..." "Sh..." "I'll see you at drill, crumbs." "I've had enough!" "Let me..." "Paparelli!" "I'm surprised at you." "Resorting to force?" "Calm down..." "Sarge, he's a brute." "Sarge, what are we going to do?" "Do?" "What?" "What do we have to do?" "What?" "Sarge, you afraid of him?" "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say that." "Afraid of him, indeed!" "Because I show a little perceptiveness, does that mean I'm afraid?" "Because I'm tolerant?" "Because I'm trying to see things from his point of view?" "Now, gentlemen, let's review this." "A man walks in here, obviously antagonistic." "He talks too loud, he bangs, he squeezes too hard." "To me, an obvious display of massive inferiority complex." "And it manifests itself in the Freudian theory of inner regret." "Now, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, Paparelli." "Because..." "You don't?" "You don't know about the debate?" "Oh, this all came out in the debate that Freud had with Spinoza many years ago in Budapest." "You remem-- you read this." "You didn't?" "Oh!" "Tremendous." "Tremendous!" "Freud came out with the then-unheard-of theory that man and the inner man-- when there is an obvious submersion of the libido into the id section-- you will find a regression." "Freud definitely points out that in the alter ego, when there is an Oedipus complex which is prevalent, you will see that the man who shows sadistic tendencies, aggression will also submerge into the cocoon of being withdrawn from the entire self." "Freud, Freud in his search for knowledge-- oh, this is way before The Search for Bridey Murphy-- he had this in mind, he knew this." "He knew that the id complex will manifest itself with an outburst, a bedlam of guilt." "And there you have the libido intertwined with the id complex." "Intertwined with the heterogeneous sections "A,"" "heterogeneous sections "B," and it came..." "Oh, Spinoza denied this!" "Oh, he screamed!" "Screamed!" "Didn't do him any good, because there's the theory brought right out here." "We have a man showing inner rejection in this very room a few moments ago." "He walked in with this massive aggressiveness." "It looks on the surface he's sadistic." "But it isn't that at all." "It's just his desire saying, "I'm not so big." "I am little."" "That's what he's saying." "He wants to be loved." "He shows it, but he hides it." "That's his whole quest:" "He wants to be loved." "It's his way of saying, "Love me."" "MEN:" "Oh!" "Now, how can we get rid of the creep?" "Now, this is Sergeant Benton's bunk-- the torture chamber, right?" "You got the rocks in the right place?" "Yeah." "Good." "Now, is this the hardest" "mattress you could get?" "The hardest." "Hey, Sarge, do I have to sleep under him?" "Of course, you're the loudest snorer in the whole platoon." "We need you." "We need that snore of yours." "Now, look-- every hour, on the hour you have a nightmare." "You scream, you kick, you yell." "Right?" "Okay, and when he comes to me complaining," "I'll try to be reasonable." "I'll say, "Sergeant Benton, these are Army regulations." "It's the only bunk open." "My hands are tied."" "I'll say to him, "Of course, Sergeant Benton,"" "I'll say, "if you wish to be transferred..."" "HENSHAW:" "Here he comes, Sarge." "All right, boys." "Look alive." "We have a guest." "Well, Sergeant Benton, this is your bunk..." "BARBELLA:" "Hey, Sarge, look!" "BILKO:" "An honest mistake." "Just... relax." "I would like to point out, sir, that I..." "Those are my clothes, of course." "I feel that it isn't my fault that you've got this place on the bunk." "I feel that in the Army regulations... (stammers) Yes, of course." "I feel that if you feel that you're not comfortable enough, well, it isn't my fault." "Army regulations say that the first bunk open, a man gets." "Now, I would rather you have what you want, but as you can see, my hands are tied." "I want you to be just where you feel that you should be." "However, well, yeah, they are a little gaudy." "All right, I feel that if you feel..." "Oh, this is you as a boy, very lovely." "I feel..." "I don't know why, why they make these rules, but those are the rules." "But there's one thing I must insist on." "What's that?" "You will water those geraniums, won't you?" "Here." "Take these things and get out of here." "Get out?" "Well, I'm sure if you want to be privately concerned for a moment, that's all right with me." "But believe me, my hands are tied." "I don't want you in that upper bunk, it's just that was the only bunk open, and if they're going to react that way, believe me, I don't, I don't..." "(door slams)" "Here." "You take the upper bunk, and if I catch you snoring..." "What happened, Sarge?" "What happened?" "What?" "What happened?" "What do you mean, "What happened?" What?" "You're going to let him get away with it?" "Get away with...?" "Don't you fellas ever understand anything?" "I convinced him to have my room." "Don't you see that?" "Don't you recognize he's going through a cocoon period?" "Freud definitely says that when a man is rejected from society in his mind and the frustrations within, he will withdraw from the world." "That's what he's doing." "Oh, if I didn't see this with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it!" "Somebody must've spread some bread crumbs around." "The pigeons are back." "Oh, it's pathetic." "Bilko ain't even putting up a fight." "Do you mind?" "Do you mind if I like to see a man is comfortable since he's only going to be here for a week?" "Oh, he's going to be gone in a week?" "Gone and forgotten." "Would you like to make a little bet on that?" "Oh, you insist on throwing your money away." "I'll throw $20." "All righty, we'll just cover that, Rocco." "Me, too." "I'm in." "You asked for it, there it is." "And he'll be out of here in a week." "One week, gone and forgotten." "Oh, that I gotta see!" "(laughter)" "Hey, Sarge?" "Sarge, are you crazy?" "He's a monster." "You can't outtalk him, because he don't hear you." "True, boys, he's a brute." "He's a hulk." "But all we've got to do is get him to think." "To think?" "To think." "We've got to lull him into a false sense of security." "We'll throw him a party." "A party?" "(all clamoring)" "Boys, boys, boys, you continually doubt me." "Believe me." "It's a small brain it has." "And it takes a long time for it to warm up." "But we've got to reach that brain." "We've got to start him to think." "Once he starts to think, he'll be nothing but a shattered shell." "Think." "That's what we got to do." "How's your steak, Sergeant Benton?" "You can call me Beast." "He said I can call him Beast." "He's accepted me." "Men, we made the right decision." "I'm glad we did it." "Did what?" "Did what?" "Sergeant, what do you figure you're worth?" "Worth?" "Yes, in dollars and cents." "What do you feel you're worth?" "Oh, I don't know." "We know." "You do?" "Yes, sir." "We figure you're worth $100,000." "You figure I'm worth $100,000?" "Sitting there calmly eating your steak, you're worth $100,000." "Who says so?" "This says so." "What's that?" "An insurance policy in your name for $100,000." "The boys want the world to know what they think of you." "$100,000?" "Yeah, not everybody can say that, can they?" "Yeah, and my old man said I wouldn't amount to nothing." "There it is, black and white." ""$100,000 insured for Sergeant Quentin Q. Benton."" "Oh, I forgot." "You've got to pass the insurance physical exam first." "I've never flunked a physical in my life." "Oh, well, fine." "Mr...." "Mr. Crawford, the insurance man, is waiting at the doctor's office." "BENTON:" "Out of my way." "Sarge, well?" "He's not thinking yet." "He's not thinking yet." "(chuckles) Hey, Beastie baby, baby boy!" "Mr. Crawford, you could insure him for a million." "Why, he's the strongest man I've ever seen." "Here you are." "If you'll sign, uh, right here, Sergeant Benton." "Yeah." "A hundred thousand bucks, eh?" "That's one "t" in Benton." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Now Sergeant Bilko..." "Yes, indeedy." "Sign right here, please." "Right there." "Why does he have to sign?" "He's the beneficiary." "Now I'll take a look at those reports, please?" "Fine, fine." "Rocco, Henshaw, second beneficiary, third beneficiary." "Uh, what's a beneficiary?" "Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about it." "That means we just, you know, we just put up the money." "Cost us $60 for the first month." "After all, we're you're benefactors, Beastie baby boy!" "But, Sarge, he's going all over the post telling everybody he's worth a hundred grand." "Yeah, Sarge, when is he gonna start thinking?" "Rocco, baby, patience, patience." "This is a small brain." "It takes a long time to warm up." "But once the thoughts start getting to it-- pow!" "A nervous wreck!" "Listen to me!" "Make way for a hundred thousand bucks!" "Hey, Beastie baby, don't move so fast." "You'll lose weight." "After all, you're worth $500 a pound!" "$500 a pound, huh, Big Mouth?" "!" "Why does he keep doing...?" "(whispers):" "Where's Krim?" "He's inside." "He doesn't know about it yet." "No, he don't." "KRIM:" "Hiya, Beast!" "Hiya." "What are you so happy about?" "You just see somebody get run over by a truck?" "Krim, what would you say if you had the honor of meeting a guy who was insured for a hundred thousand bucks?" "What would I say?" "I'd say I'd like to be his beneficiary." "(laughs)" "Beneficiary?" "Why the beneficiary?" "Well, because the beneficiary gets the hundred grand when the guy dies." "Yeah?" "He's starting to think." "Of course, that's, uh, for a natural death." "If the guy has an accident or gets killed, that's called "double indemnity,"" "and the beneficiary gets $200,000." "Yeah?" "Whoa, he's thinking like crazy now!" "Shh." "Boy, you sure got this post by the ears." "You know, you're the sixth drill sergeant that this place has had this year." "Yeah?" "Not one of 'em lasted more than a week." "Yeah, Bilko took care of them." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "What happened to them?" "How did they die?" "Die?" "I don't know?" "Did they?" "Hey, Beast, are you worried about something?" "BENTON:" "Me?" "Absolutely not a thing to worry about." "I'm in fine shape." "Hiya, Beastie boy!" "Stay away from me." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "Why?" "I don't know." "Maybe it's the light you're in." "You look a little..." "Oh, a little hot soup and you're gonna feel fine." "I made it myself." "Go on, Beastie boy, have at 'em." "I feel absolutely great." "Doctor said I was the finest specimen he ever saw." "I should live to be 110." "Oh, you'll live to be 150." "Eat your soup, old man of the mountain!" "(both laugh)" "I guess I'm a lot healthier than those other sergeants you had around here." "Oh, with them, it was accidental, but they liked my soup!" "Go on!" "Have some of it, pal." "I want you to have some of it." "Why, we're gonna see to it that you live forever." "Forever?" "In our hearts." "Have your soup, pal." "After all, we can't have" "$200,000 worth of soldier fading away!" "Why are you so anxious I should eat that soup?" "Anxious?" "I'm not anxious." "Just a little midnight snack." "I prepared it myself." "You taste it." "M-Me?" "I already ate." "You-- second beneficiary-- you taste it." "N-No, thanks." "Gives me hiccups." "You taste it!" "Oh, no, no!" "I'll taste it." "I love..." "Ah, no, no!" "Are you crazy?" "!" "Get out of here!" "Come on, Beastie boy." "Every little spoonful." "Yeah, no, you don't!" "What did you do that for?" "Now, look, that grass won't grow back for a year." "When it does grow back, I ain't gonna be underneath it." "Beastie, if you don't mind my saying, oh, you look a little frightened or scared." "Scared?" "I ain't a-scared of nobody." "And mostly I ain't scared of you, you understand?" "Beastie, baby boy, what's happening to you, pal?" "You mustn't be scared of any..." "Especially a beneficiary." "I'm your pal, pal." "Your beneficiary." "But of course, if you don't like me..." "Wait." "Uh, I like ya." "It's... it's just maybe I been thinking too much." "That may be it." "Get a little rest." "You know, maybe I had you all wrong, Ernie." "Boys, Beast wants to say good night!" "Good night, fellas." "ALL:" "Good-bye, Beast." "Why did they say good-bye?" "Oh, that's nothing." "Just a slip of the tongue." "Hiya, Crazy Eyes, boy." "Oh..." "I'm glad." "I'm glad you noticed him." "I meant to tell you about him." "I'm glad you's found out for yourself." "Watch out for him." "You see, if he comes at you, during the night, just take away the bayonet from him, that's all." "Take away the ba...?" "Yeah, you see, he still thinks he's back in the South Pacific." "We're kinda proud of him in the Medical Corps." "He's the only guy that dreams in Japanese." "Yeah, he's got that... (imitates Japanese)" "(Japanese accent):" "He 'Merican." "'Merican man." "He with us. 'Merican!" "You see, you got nothing to worry about." "He gives you plenty of warning, you know what I mean?" "Now before he lunges, before he lunges, he'll always yell, "Banzai!"" "You listen for that: "Banzai!"" "That'll give you time to prepare yourself and take the bayonet away from him." "Other than that, he's harmless." "Just watch out for that "Banzai!"" "(imitates Japanese)" "Banzai!" "(Benton gasps)" "Did you hear that?" "Yeah." "What'd it sound like?" ""Banzai."" "Good boy." "The last guy was here, he thought he heard "Bird's-eye."" "He got cut from ear to ear." "All right, pal, you're okay." "You got nothing, nothing at all to worry about." "(imitates Japanese)" "(door closes)" "Sure, I..." "I ain't got nothing to worry about." "I..." "(bugle blowing reveille)" "How'd you sleep, Sarge?" "Like a baby." "Hey, Sarge, what's going on in there?" "Thinking." "All night, thinking." "(knocking at door)" "Who is it?" "!" "BILKO:" "It's... it's just me, Big Mouth." "Oh." "Are you alone?" "Oh, I just got one of the boys with me." "Oh." "Ju-Just a minute." "Hiya, Beastie boy!" "Uh, get a little hot breakfast in ya, and then it's out in the drill." "Crazy Eyes." "He made it for you himself." "(imitates Japanese)" "Get that in ya, pal." "I ain't hungry." "You're not hungry?" "Beastie, baby, you got us worried." "What do you mean?" "Well, the boys in the platoon are talking." "They say the whole platoon is cracking up, 'cause you've gone soft." "I ain't gone soft." "I ain't afraid of nobody." "That's the ol' Beastie baby we know." "Come on in and whip this platoon right into shape!" "All right, I'll show 'em." "BILKO:" "All right, men!" "Now hear this!" "Present arms!" "(Benton yells)" "Beastie, what's the matter, baby boy?" "What's the matter, these guys gone crazy?" "!" "What's the matter with you fellas?" "I said, "Present arms."" "I didn't say, "Aim and fire."" "Oh, you, you bad soldiers." "Never aim at anybody, understand?" "!" "Never aim at anybody!" "It's nothing to worry about, though." "Those rifles are not loaded." "Oh..." "Put those rifles down." "(rifles fire)" "Beastie, it was all a mistake!" "It was a mistake, Beastie boy!" "Oh, what a terrible mistake they made!" "KRIM:" "Beast, you can't go on like this." "For a whole week now you haven't eaten, you haven't slept, you haven't left the room." "I ain't afraid of anybody." "Just because Bilko shot his mouth off and said you'd be gone and forgotten in a week..." "A week!" "Today's the last day." "Today's the last day of the week." "If I can just lay low for today, then nothing'll happen to me." "I'll be safe." "(knocking)" "I ain't letting' nobody in!" "BILKO:" "It's the colonel, Beast." "Oh, the colonel." "You have to let him in." "Oh, let's take this away." "Colonel Hall." "Benton, you came here with a reputation as a tough drill sergeant." "Now, what's happened?" "You've been here for a week, and this platoon hasn't even been out of the barracks." "Oh, sir, we do march to the mess hall up and back every day..." "Quiet!" "Benton, I order you to take them out today." "I want to hear the rifle firing." "And you will, sir." "All we want is a chance, sir." "Quiet!" "That's an order, Benton." "Get out of this barracks and in front of those men." "In front of those men?" "That's an order!" "Yes, sir." "Beastie, baby boy, when do we start?" "I'll be right with you." "All righty." "Let's go." "Are you crazy?" "!" "The colonel is in on it, too!" "Hey, Beast, you're out of your mind!" "Am I?" "Today's the day." "Today's the day I'm supposed to get it!" "He's really thinking now." "Beast, it's all in your mind." "Is it?" "Paparelli and Doberman are out there picking flowers." "Beast, maybe you ought to go and have a talk with the chaplain." "Yeah, the chaplain." "Why didn't I think of that before?" "Where's my hat?" "Oh, there it is." "He's gonna go see the chaplain." "Sarge, the chaplain will give everything away." "Not if I get there first." "Positions "B," like I told you." "Hi, fellas." "Hi, Beast." "Hi, Beast." "Uh, you fellas know where the chaplain is on this post?" "Yeah, the other side of the parade ground." "Thanks." "I'll..." "Would you like me to show you?" "No, no, thanks." "I think I can find it." "Sergeant, would, uh, would you mind holding this up to your head?" "There, that's it." "Make it six-foot five!" "With silver handles!" "Hello, Beast." "Hiya, Beast." "Hi, fellas." "Yes, Captain, I wrote the boy's folks, and I think everything's gonna be all right." "You're quite welcome." "So now you're a reporter on the post newspaper, right?" "Yes, Chaplain, too long I've lived in the world of make-believe." "Now I want the facts, sir." "Facts?" "Yes." "You know the wonderful speech you made, that farewell speech when Sergeant McMahon got his discharge, and he got into the Air Force?" "It really wasn't much of a speech, Bilko..." "Oh, it was wonderful." "And I'm gonna put it on the front..." "Please, sir, I-I'm meeting a deadline." "If I remember correctly, it went this way:" ""This is a sad occasion..." -"This is a sad occasion." ""Saying farewell to a soldier is always" ""a sad and trying time." ""Although he was with us only a short while," ""we grew to love him and will respect his memory." ""But let us console ourselves with the thought" ""that although we'll miss him down here, by tomorrow, he'll be up there, soaring high."" "You want any more?" "No, no, that's fine." "That's fine." "I got all I wanted." "Thank you." "It served its..." "Thank you very much, Chaplain." "Bilko." "Sir?" "I have a feeling I've just been taken." "Taken?" "Chaplain, would I do anything like that to you, sir?" "Yes." "All right, where is he?" "Where is he?" "Sarge, Sarge, you missed it!" "He came in here, picked up his gear, and then him and that corporal took off." "Man, they must be halfway to the next post by now." "(all laugh)" "Banzai!" "Let this be a lesson to you guys." "When it comes between a battle between brains and brawn, bet on brains." "ANNOUNCER:" "Beast was played by George Mathews." "Corporal Krim was Don Hanmer."