"That's a great looking set of knives." "Where'd you get those?" "Well, this old magician guy was trying to unload 'em." " Like, magical trick knives or...?" " Well, the knives are real." "I mean, they're used for magical tricks, but they're real." "They're sharp, too." "Well, I'll show you." "Dee, can you get up against the wall for a second?" "No." "You're not throwing knives at me." "Let's throw them, regardless." "Start running, 'cause we're coming." " Ten, nine," " Don't you dare." "eight, seven," " six, five, four..." " Okay, listen up, everybody!" " We're in the middle of something." " I got news." "Your mother is dead." "Ha!" " Nice try." "Very funny, Frank." " I'm serious, this time." "She had a botched neck lift." "She's as dead as disco." "Who wants champagne?" "Episode 3x03" "{\pos(192,155)}I am so sorry." "My apologies." "I'm so busy today." "It's good to see all of you." "That's quite all right." "Don't worry about it." "{\pos(192,205)}Would now be a good time to say few words" "{\pos(192,205)}about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?" " No." "Just get to the reading part." " Let's get on with it, man." "Let's go." "Which one of you is Frank Reynolds?" "Yo." "I have something here that I need to read to you from Barbara." ""Frank, if your..." ""fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations." ""I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis," ""the real father of my children..."" " What?" " Bruce Mathis?" ""... a handsome man with a beautiful soul..." ""and a nicer penis."" "You're giving all my money to that jerk-off?" " I'm reading what's on the document." " Why are you giving it to him?" " She barely even knew him." " I'm not giving any money to anybody." "I'm just reading what's on a will." " Where is that rat bastard?" " Sir, I don't know..." "I wanna smash his face until he's dead!" "Killed dead!" "Will you forget about Bruce!" "Mom just gave away all of our money!" "You know what, we should just move forward, okay?" ""For my darling son Dennis,"" "Presumably..." ""I give you my house... "" "Yeah!" "Okay, now it's starting to make sense." "Read on." ""... on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in. "" " I'd never let him in." " What?" "!" ""Deandra..." ""... you get nothing." ""You were a disappointment and a mistake."" "A mistake?" "We're twins." "We were born at the same time." "You're not making any sense." "Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!" "I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, okay?" "I don't know your mom, never met your mom." "In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead." "We know she's dead." "We're venting 'cause we're frustrated." "You tell her she's a goddamn whore!" "Always been a whore!" "What about jewelry?" "Does it say anything about jewelry?" "It does say something about the jewelry in here in that, she wants to be buried in it." "Goddamn it!" "She's taking it into the grave!" "Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today." "Very upset with you." "You tell her for me that I will be in touch with her somehow." "Tell her she's a bitch!" "These are awkward situations often, and..." "I know it can be difficult..." "Thanks for the house, dude." "You know..." "I didn't give you the house." "That's not how" " this whole situation works." " Yeah, you did!" "Jesus Christ." "I got a plan to get back at your mother." "Too late..." "I'm already full throttle over here." "I'm gonna dig up her body and snatch back that jewelry." "That's insane!" "That woman is buried down there like Mr. T." "I gotta go while the earth's still loose." "I know how to get the money back from Bruce." " What's your plan?" " All right." "You call Brucey on the phone and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiance." " Who's that?" " Me." "This house sure brings back a lot of memories." "Look what I just found in Dee's old room!" "It's her middle school diary, dude!" "Ooh, yeah!" "Who gives a shit?" "This is her diary." "It's got all her secrets and shit in here." "It says "Keep Out." There's a little lock that we..." "We'll open it later." "We are not reading Dee's middle school diary to you, bro!" "We need to start the healing process." "I'm devastated over here." "We need to throw a big-ass party." "I need to be amongst my friends." "Let's call the crew." " Let's round the boys up!" " Round the crew up!" "Let's have a kick-ass party!" " We got the diary!" "And the crew!" " The boys are back in town!" "I have two numbers in my phone:" "Charlie and Dennis." " Well, what about all our friends?" " What about Dooley?" "Call Dooley!" " Dooley!" "He loves a good party!" " Let's call Dooley!" "Dooley in the house!" "Dooley killed himself." "About two years back now." "It's just a real sad, sad thing for him and his family." "I knew he was..." " Depressed." " Very sad..." "How about, uh, let's call Stash!" "Let's get the Stash man!" "Stash?" "Stash man?" "What'd you do?" " I set him on fire." " Son of a bitch." "Forget Stash." "I didn't like him anyway." "Let's get Z-Man!" "I banged his sister." "Sully!" "I got Sully's number." "He has a restraing order against me." "Can't go within 500 feet of him." "Plus, I banged his sister, too." " Did you really?" " She was gross." "I remember that." "So wait a minute, we got no friends?" "Looks like it, right?" "Wow, that hits home." "That's terrible." "Guys, guys, do you realize what that means?" "If we were to all die suddenly, just like my mom did, we'd have nobody left to mourn us." "No one left to tell of our great adventures and our glorious triumphs." " We got to make friends." " All our triumphs and our tales and..." "We need to preserve our legacy." " That's what I'm saying." " Our whole legacy!" " Let's go out and make some friends." " Let's do that." "But first, who wants to run through a quick chapter of this diary?" " How's the ponytail look?" " It's ridiculous." "Why are you wearing this whole get-up?" "Bruce has never seen you." "If we're gonna pull this thing off, I got to turn into a liberal yahoo just like Bruce." "When he gets here, I want you to hold my hand through the whole thing." " I won't do that." " Look, you've go to stop thinking of me as your dad and start thinking of me as your fiance, Seamus." "Could we think of a less creepy angle?" "But this is a grift." "I mean, that's the way it is." "You got to stay in character, all the time." "As soon as you break character, you blow the grift." " Hand." "Hand." " I don't want to touch you." " Holding hands." " Goddamn it." "Ah, my little girl, how you doing?" "Are you okay?" "Well, no, no." "I'm very broken up inside." "Bruce, this is Seamus, my fiance." "I am also broken up." "What say we all bring it on in for a hug." "We're doing hugs." "Oh, I'm so sorry I missed that funeral." "We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS cris there..." "AIDS?" "You touch anybody?" "Well, sure." "What kind of shit is that?" "You just hugged me!" "Why would you do that?" "Seamus is joking." "He's got a... he's got a very dry sense of humor." "I'm not joking!" "That shit is serious!" "I've got to take a shower now!" " That's kind of... odd..." " Oh, yeah." "Well, that's my guy." "You know, he's got a little bit of a germ problem." " I'll get him some books for that." " He's... he's grieving and... yeah." " But you seem to be holding up okay." " It's funny that I seem like that because I'm not holding up okay." "I'm very sad." " I'm devastated." " Nothing tougher than losing a parent." "Oh, it's the worst, and..." "So she gave you all of our money, huh?" "All of... all of..." "All of our fortune..." "she gave it to you." "Weird, right?" "Good news is, it's all gonna go to help the less fortunate, every penny." " That is good news." " It's a done deal." "Well, that's actually why we brought you here." "Oh, see, Seamus and I have a plan." "We want to adopt a ton of kids." "Isn't that wonderful that we'll need to use our fortune, that my mother gave you" " to shove at these kids." " You know what I think?" "I think I know exactly what you and Seamus need." "Can you sit tight?" "I'll get back to you as soon as I can, okay?" "Okay." " Is he gone?" " Yeah, he's gone." "Burn these clothes." "Tracy, cancel all my appointments." "It's time for my daughter and that idiot who raised her to learn a lesson." "Guys, I don't know if I'm feeling this flyer idea." " Really?" " It's perfect, dude." "How else are three guys in their 20s supposed to make friends?" "There's no system in place." "A flyer does all the work." "All right, read back what we got so far, 'cause I don't..." ""What up?" ""We're 3 cool guys looking for other cool guys" ""who wanna hang out in our party mansion."" " Sounds a little gay, right?" " Yeah." "It does sound gay." " Write: "Nothing sexual."" " Good." "Okay." ""Cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna hang out in out party mansion." ""Nothing Sexual."" "And add "Fighters welcome", 'cause, tough dudes and some big dudes." "I don't want a bunch of tough guys wanting to fight me." "It would be good to have extra protection." " Extra protection and..." " Well, put "Fitness encouraged."" " Beautiful." " That sounds confusing." " I'll put "Dudes in good shape."" " There you go." "That solves it." "I like it." "Okay, but we also need a guy who's funny and fat." "We need a funny fat guy." "'Cause every crew has one." "Well, I'm the funny fat guy, so don't worry about that." " You're not fat, dude." " You're also not funny." "I want somebody who does observational humor..." "That would be good." "Observational humor is cool." "I'm just gonna put "Nothing sexual" again" " just to reiterate." " Underline it." "Please." "Be very clear with that." "And I'm thinking that the flyer should be in the shape of a beermug." " Too complicated." " Yeah." "What about, uh, bicep?" "A bicep." "Bicep's good." " All right, let's go with the bicep." " Okay, read." "Here we go. "What up?"" ""We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys" ""who want to hang out in our party mansion." "Nothing sexual." ""Dudes in good shape encouraged." ""If you're fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things." "Again, "nothing sexual"." "Underlined." " Okay." " Great." " I have no problem with that." " No." "Let's go meet some men." "Lookin' good, bro." "Looking very good." "I'm sorry?" "Oh, your pants... nice cut." "That vertical line on the side gives your body good length." "Do you work here?" "I'm just looking to meet some new guys." "I saw you from across the way and I thought, yeah, this guy's got a good sense of style." "He's about the same age." "Got a nice crop of blond hair." "We could definitely use a blond in the crew." "Mix things up a little bit." "Why don't you just... take a look at that flyer there?" "Is this a penis?" "A penis..." "No, it's a..." "It's a bicep." "Oh, right." "Party Mansion." " Exactly." " Cool." "I'll swing by." " You'll swing by?" " Yeah, sure." "Just come by the address." "We'll be there partying." " Yeah, at the Party Mansion." " Yeah, you're gonna be perfect, man." "See you there." "Oh, I should give him some more for his friends." "Oh, son of a bitch." "Penis?" "No, it's a bicep." "Bro, I just had the most perfect blond guy slip right through my fingers." "I mean, I had him in the palm of my hand and then... he was gone, you know what I mean?" "This guy would have been perfect for you." "What's up with this beefcake?" "Is he coming to the party?" " Big time." " Great." " He didn't read the flyer." " I read the flyer." " He didn't understand it." " I understood it... perfectly." "Okay, we need to take a second look at this flyer." " Uh, yeah, dude." " Guys, check out who I just met buying a crossbow." "This dude is the shit." "I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart." "Yeah." "All... right, dude." "Dude, is that guy awesome or what?" "He's like a poet." "That guy's not awesome." "Dude, do you know how hard it is to find a passionate guy like that these days?" "They don't make 'em anymore." "You should see how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer." "You knew that it was a dick?" "Yeah, I thought we changed it." "I thought you were changing it." "It was always meant to be a bicep." "Then why did you cut it like..." "'cause it looks totally like a dick." "I thought, let's go with the dick thing." "It's more masculine anyway." "I mean, shit, if you wanted it to be a bicep, it needs more veins." "I can't wear this." "I got to go home get another costume." "There's no time." "Just sit down and shut up and wait for Bruce to get back the money." "All right." "But I can't promise that I'm not going to go berserk if he tries to give me AIDS again." "He wasn't trying to give you AIDS." "Jesus Christ, you're the one who's going on and on about staying in character." " Yeah, you're right." " Look, we can do this, okay?" "We've to go along with whatever he throws at us." "So close to that money." " Yeah." " Yeah?" "I'm not gonna blow the cover." "Now pull your shit together, Seamus." "Surprise!" "These are some of my adopted children." "Go ahead, guys." "This is your new home." "Mac, here come our guests." "Come on." "How'd you get these guys again?" "They're college kids." "Went to Penn, reeled them in with a couple of white lies." "Now put your game face on, buddy." "We got a legacy to preserve." "Here we go." "Welcome to the Party Mansion, bitches!" "Get your asses in here." "Horseshit, huh?" " Yeah." " Where is everybody?" " What about the chicks?" " Guess what," "Just you and us." "And we've got the Party Mansion." "And there ain't no rules in the Party Mansion." "Check this out, bitches." "Oh, yeah, baby, nice one." "Let's stop being pussies and let's fall on some beers." " I don't drink." " Wrong answer, bitch." " You're a drinker tonight." " You're gonna be telling stories" " about how crazy we are." " You're gonna tell how we're like those guys from Jackass... how we like to smash stuff and shove shit up our asses." "That's right." "You're gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, four-eyes." "You're going to be talking about this night for the rest of your lives." ""Dear Diary..." ""The dance was a total disaster." ""I cried myself to sleep again last night." ""Mom forced me to wear the back brace and all the school chanted" ""Aluminum Monster."" "Oh, man, Aluminum Monster, that is hilarious." "No!" "It's not hilarious." "I share this little girl's pain." "Have you ever been scorned, Charlie?" "Uh, like all day, every day, dude." "Then you should think of this little girl as your soul mate of pain." "Oh, shit, bro." "Babysitting a bunch of orphans was not part of our grift." "It's either that or digging up Mom." "Which for the record, I'm still into." "I willing to do whatever we need to do to get this money, Frank, okay?" "If we need to adopt some orphans, fine." "We'll get the money and take them back." "Can you do that?" "Is that possible?" "I don't know." "I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy." "That sounds good." "Great, now this one's sad." "Give her some money." " What?" " Give her some." "I'm not giving shit." "What are you talking about?" "May I speak to you two in the kitchen?" "Oh, yeah." "You two have such a great vibe." "I'm ready to write a check right now." "But I just want to make sure that I'm helping you to have, like, the best relationship that you can, so that these kids have a loving, stable home." "I know that this may sound weird, but I've a lot of training in family therapy, and I think for me to help you," "I need to observe you at your most intimate." "I need to observe you two making love." "How long's your boy been passed out, bro?" "I don't know, a couple of minutes." "I'm worried he's gonna wake up before we throw him." "You kidding me?" "Look at him, he's out." "You're kidding?" "You're not really gonna throw him down the stairs." " We should throw him off the roof." " Great idea, dude." "I'm the thrower." "Why are you guys doing this?" "It's what friends do, bro." " No, it isn't." " Guy, his mom just died." "Can you have compassion?" "My mom just died." "The least you could do is let us throw your buddy off the roof." ""I'm totally going to tell Eric how much I like him, tonight," ""even though Danielle was, like, all over him today in school." ""Mother said: "Don't bother."" ""He wants a pretty girl instead."" "I can't stop crying, Ernesto." "Me neither, Charlie." "But... don't fight it, Charlie." "It's all part of the healing process." "So tell me how do you two usually begin your lovemaking sessions?" "It's hard to say, you know, because we start it in so many ways." "Seamus, perhaps you should start by... kissing her neck, lightly." "No." "No, because, uh..." " we don't kiss." " We don't kiss." " At all." " No kissing?" "That's unusual, but okay." "Okay, tell me... just..." "tell me what you are into." "I like to watch." "So I'm going to bounce off the bed" " and... observe." " Okay." "See... you see what just happened, Dee?" "Seamus has just communicated what turns him on in a healthy way." "So..." "Yeah, perhaps now would be a good time for you to pleasure yourself for him." "And then, Seamus will mount you." "You know what, I'm going to have to stop this." "Yeah, I gotta come clean here because we've been lying to you." "Deandra, just think about what you're doing." "I'm sorry." "We've been lying." "The reason is... we haven't had sex yet." "Because we're waiting until we get married." " We're waiting." " We're saving ourselves." "It's so important to me and to him to do that, and I think maybe, that's what the tension is that you're feeling." " It's all sexual." " Oh, it's so sexual." "I'm also a licensed minister." "So why don't we just do a wedding, like, do it tomorrow." "I've been thinking, and I should never give the money to an unmarried couple anyway." "Okay." "Family and friends, we're gathered here to... to share in the declaration of a lifelong commitment between this man and this woman." "Deandra, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do." "Seamus, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?" "You betcha." "Well, then by the authority of God and the laws of the great state of Pennsylvania," "I now pronounce you man and wife." "Congratulations, Deandra." "You made me so happy." "You just married your daughter, Frank." " You know who I am?" " Of course I know." "You're the little asswipe who raised my children and turned them into animals..." "into monsters who... who lie and steal and take advantage of people and contribute absolutely nothing to society." " Make sure you're getting this." " Ernesto's missing this." " He's got to see it." " Go get him." "If you knew who he was, why did you do the whole ceremony?" "I was trying to push you two to your limit." "But apparently, you have none." "I hate to interrupt." "I'm so sorry." "Bruce, can you just pronounce them man and wife again?" "I want to get that in a close-up." "Do the thing where you're like..." "and yes, of course I know who you are." "And you were getting so angry..." "Can you make them kiss this time, though?" "Yes, uh, sure." "May I see the camera for just a second from this side, maybe?" " Sure." " Yeah, yeah, uh..." "I'm gonna give this to a lawyer and you're gonna lose the house." "because you violated the conditions of the will." "Frank was not to set foot in the house." "Bruce, come on." "Dad, be cool, man." "Like..." "let that slide." "You are acting like a real bastard, Bruce." "You are the most horrible people alive." " Oh, that's a little bit..." " That's a lot, that's a lot to say." "Man, don't be like that, dude." "Now I'm gonna lose the Party Mansion." "Thanks a lot, Frank." " Whoa, guys, where you going?" " How did they get free?" " We were just having a little fun." " You guys still wannna be our crew?" "I don't think so." "I don't think they're gonna tell about our adventures and our glorious triumphs." " Well, at least we still have Ernesto." " No, he robbed your house." "Oh, son of a bitch." "I'm sorry that the grift didn't work out, sweetie." " We could still go get Mom's jewelry." " I'll get the shovel."