"Ah, nothing says American family like raising the flag with your wife and two kids." "Let Wednesday begin!" "Look at that bald eagle, kids-- majestic." "I'm dead and I need a kiss!" "Cut it out!" "Get it away!" " I'll kill you!" " Steve, Hayley, knock it off." "Steve, go mail that to Donovan McNabb." "See if he'll sign it." "Hey, it's our favorite gay neighbors." "What are you guys doing today?" "Shopping brunching, parading or taking the day off and just being gay?" "Dad, what are you doing?" "Just reminding Greg and Terry" "I'm cool with the man-on-man crowd." "You two probably want to gossip." "Dish, you queeny bitches!" "Actually, we do have some big news." " We've decided to have a baby." " Congratulatiosn!" " Are you adopting?" " No, we're having our own." "Terry thinks we can handle this sort of seismic life change, here goes nothing." "Take my hand." "Guys, guys,a baby's not like a fire." "You can't just rub two sticks together and..." "We're doing in-vitrofertilization." "In-vitro?" "What's that?" "Well, we've got an egg donor." "They'll combine her eggs with our sperm, and then implant those embryos in a surrogate" "God willing, one of them willgrow to term." "I thought I saw every episode of Star Trek." "Wait, is this Deep Space Nine?" "'Cause I won'twatch that." "It's garbage and I'lltell you why." " One..." " Stan, this isn't science fiction." "It's real fiction, and I think it's fantastic!" "We're even converting our home gym into a nursery." "Which is fine because I don't need to work out ever again." "Help me!" "I don't believe it!" "I let them be gay and this is howthey repay me?" "!" "What's that supposed to mean?" "If two men want to open up to each other and share a love more sweet and exquisite than anything a man and woman could ever find together, then that's their problem." "But when they try to bring a child into it," "I got to put my foot down!" "Well, excuse me, but who are you to say whether they should have kids?" "A concerned American, Francine." "I've always said you can't raise normal children in an abnormal environment." "You know what that'lldo to society?" "Girls playing with trucks, boys playing with dolls, horses eating each other." "Yes, horses eating each other." "Read the Bible!" "Well, I admire Greg and Terry" "They're taking their lives to the next level." "Francine, it's unnatural." "I mean, why don't I just start a family with the couch?" "Hey, kids, how was school?" "Brush your teeth, stay off drugs." "Hello, wife." "Miss me, huh?" "I missed you." "Mm... mm..." "Oh, man, the things I'm gonna do to you." "Here, lie on your stomach." "I'll prop you up with the kids." " Stan!" " See how weird it gets, Francine!" "Three, two, one." "We totally got you!" "Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made." "For years, my conduct has been largely benign, and yet without provocation, you have severed our detente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns!" "You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth!" "So go now!" "Go and beginyour life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you cleaving you in twain!" "And as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish!" "He didn't think it was funny." "I found some of Steve and Hayley's baby clothes in the basement." "I'm gonna bring them over to Greg and Terry's." "Good thinking, Francine." "They can put themon their dog and forget about thiswhole baby thing." "At the end of the day, all they want to do is dress something up." "No, this is for when they have their baby." "They're doing a wonderful thing, and I want them to know that I support them in this beautiful endeavor." "I couldn't agree with you more." "Just replace "support" with "condemn"" "and "beautiful endeavor" with "horrible abomination."" "My shipment of Bavarian chocolate!" "Are you crazy?" "What if Klaus got to it first?" "You heard him." "He wants to cleave us in twain." "It looks like chocolate." "You know what else looks like chocolate?" "Poison when dipped in chocolate!" " Lovely day." " Yes, lovely." "Yes." "He's a psychopath." " Let's hide inyour attic." " And never go to sleep." " We could take turns sleeping." " You are fantastic under pressure." "Stay humble." "Hi, Terry." "I just wanted you guys to know" "I think it's great what you're doing." "And I'm here for you two." "So I brought you some of Steve and Hayley's old baby clothes." "Thanks, Francine, but at this rate, we're not gonna be having a baby." "Greg keeps shooting down all our surrogates." "We're down to two candidates." "Wait." "Yellow teeth;" "she's a smoker." "She's out." "Okay, so down to one." "Oh, no, Terry, look." "This girl lists her favorite movie as Erin Brockovich." "Is that the kind of message you want our baby to absorb in utero?" "Show your boobs to get clean drinking water?" "You know what?" "I'm exhausted." "You exhaust me." "You can't blame him for being picky, Terry." "You're putting a lot of trust in a complete stranger." "What are we gonna do?" " I'll do it." " What?" " I'll carry your baby." " Really?" "It makes perfect sense." "I live right across the street and both pregnancies were a breeze for me." "Doctor says I have a big spongy cervix." "Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina." "It's last week's PTA meeting all over again." "Stan, honey?" "Yes?" "Remember how I said I wanted to help Greg and Terry?" "Well, a couple weeks ago," "I agreed to be their surrogate, and now I'm pregnant with their baby." "Francine, what the hell?" "You have something you want to tell me?" "You need me alive because" "I'm the onlyone who remembers where you took off your shoes!" "We'll tell him later." "You guys have been so great making us dinner every night." "And how good do you feel sticking to the appropriate gay activities instead of that baby nonsense?" "And look, you got to wear an apron." "That's almost a dress." "I'll clear." " No, no, no, let me." " No, no, let her." "She needs to get some exercise." "Look how fat she is." "My God, you've let yourself go." "You made your point, Francine." "I love you for who you are." "Geez." "I'm gonna go look at thin women online." "I can't believe you still haven't told him you're pregnant." "I can't believe Stan hasn't noticed." "I can't believe a lot of things:" "that there's life on Mars, that someone's married to Larry King, that the Harlem Globe trotters have never lost a game..." "Ooh, the baby's kicking." "Greg, feel!" "Oh, God, oh,what does it want?" "Oh, I can't give it what it wants." "I'm a terrible father." "I'm Bing Crosby!" "Has this can been out of your sight at any point?" "No." "Yes." "No." "I can't remember anymore." "Well, how am I supposed to eat it?" "!" "Just sitting here, month after month, waiting for Klaus' revenge." "It's maddening!" " I hear something." " It's him!" "He's doing it!" "Hold on." "It was just a spider." "Steve, it was, it was just a spider." "Wait." "Unless he sent the spider to distract us from what he's doing behind us!" " There's nothing there!" " Not this time!" "What do you mean, my son hasn't been to school in six months?" "I'm sure that's not right." "I have another call." "Hold on." "Or don't." "I'm not coming back." "Hello." "Test results?" "But my wife's far too fat to be pregnant." "Okay, let's play the CD your daddies bought for you." "Bonjour, bebe!" "Tu dors dans un estomac." "You sleep in a stomach." "Ou est la bibliothèque?" "Outside a stomach." "Your doctor called." "He said the baby you're carrying for two gay men is perfectly fine and you should be very excited!" "Do you know how many babies a year are born without an anus?" "That's it." "No more WebMD for you." "You impregnated my wife, and now I'm gonna kick your tight little asses." "Oh, you want some?" "RumbleTerry!" "Stop dancing so I can hit you!" "This fight is unbearably campy!" "Stan, leave them alone." "They didn't ask me to be their surrogate," "I offered." "I'm proud of what I'm doing," " and you should be, too." " Well, I'm not!" "I think what's going on in there is wrong." "I think what's going on in there is wrong." "So taking what's in there and raising it in there is super wrong!" "Well, it's happening whether you like it or not!" "Francine!" " Did we miss the rumble?" " Yes." "Oh, you had to go back and change your belt." "Francine, you are single-handedly bringing on the downfall of society." "It's my body, it's my decision." "You know, Dad, you accused Greg and Terry of creating a bad environment for this child, but you're the one who's stressing Mom out." " And that's not goodfor the baby." " Yeah, but..." "Do you want to be responsible for hurting an unborn life?" " Do you?" " No." "Stop thinking of yourself and start thinking about what's best for the baby." "Honey, I'm sorry." "Whether I like it or not, you're pregnant, and I have to start thinking about the baby's well-being." "So from now on, we're in this together." "Stan, I'm usingthe bathroom." "Then I, too, will use the bathroom." "Oh, Stan." "Okay, camera's rolling." "And here we have our two big manly men building the baby's crib." "I feel like I'm Tim Allen!" " Guys, my water broke." " What?" "Okay, here we go." "Oh, no." "No, no, I'm not ready." "No, no, no..." "Greg, get in the car." "Greg!" " Greg!" " No!" "Remember in Ibiza when you thought you couldn't wade through the foam on the dance floor?" "Well, you did that and you can do this." "Okay, it's my turn to stand watch." "You can takeyour nap." "Pretty eager for me to go to sleep." " So tell me, how's he been?" " How's who been?" " I know you're working with the fish!" " Me?" "How do I know you're not working with him?" "I'll tell ya how!" " Look at us!" " We've gone crazy." "We can't live like this anymore." " We have to confront Klaus!" " Yes, we must confront him." "Yech." "Is this anaccurate mirror?" "Look how long my arms are." "Disgusting." "Face saves it, though." "Face is glorious." "Steve, I want you to lean over and kiss my chest." "Stay in the mirror." " It's a girl." " It's a girl!" "She's beautiful." "Oh, Greg, here." "No, no, no..." "I am in love with this baby!" "Stan, look at my precious little gift from heaven." "Oh, Terry, thank you." "Stop.You were great." "We all were: you, me, Francine, Stan." "Stan?" "Where's Stan?" "Don't you worry, little girl." "We're gonna find you a real home." "And now, the Channel 3 news report with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Base." "A baby was reported missing today from Langley Memorial Hospital." " The incidentoccurred at..." " He took our baby!" "He just took her!" "Greg, get a pictureof her on screen." " I don't havea picture!" " Then describe her!" " She looks likean angel!" " What am I doing?" "I was a reporter,for God's sakes!" "I'll track her down!" "Terry, you werea food critic." "You don't thinkI can find her?" "I found a decent beignet at the airport, I can find a baby!" "I can't believe your father would do something like this." " I can." " Yeah, I guess I can, too." "I don't know why I said that." " Hello." " Francine, it's me." " Stan, where are you?" " I'm here with Liberty." " Who?" " Liberty Belle." "It's the name I gave the baby I'm saving." "Poor girl, I think she's slow." "She's just staring at her cheeseburger." "Stan, you bring her back right now!" "Sorry, Francine,but" "I've prayed on this and I'm takingher to Nebraska" " to put her upfor adoption." " What?" "!" "You can't give someone else's baby away!" "Nebraska begs to differ." "Gay couples have no legal rights there." "Once I crossthat state line," "Greg and Terry can kiss their custody good-bye." "You're never gonna get away with this, Stan." "You know I'm gonna tell 'em." "Why would you even call me?" "Because something hard and black just fell off the baby's belly button and I thought it was beef jerky and... am I gonna die or am I stronger than ever?" "Okay, you win." "Just do it already." " Do what?" " Get your revenge." "The water slide?" "The practical joke?" "Oh, yes,I had forgotten." "Good, good." "Us, too." "But now that you have reminded me, the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished." "My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise!" "I shall not be denied my vengeance!" "Huh, I wonder why we didn't think of that nine months ago." "$30 on two and a cup of coffee for the baby." "She keeps dozing off." "It's been 19 hours, and we're still looking for the man who kidnapped our baby." "If any of our brethren in the Rainbow Trucker's Brigade spot him on the road, please try to stop him." "They were recently seen at the Stuckey's off Interstate 280." "Liberty, they're on to us!" "When will I learn?" "Every time I let a man take a picture of me in a bathroom, it goes bad." "We're nearly to Nebraska, Liberty." "50 miles to the freedom of an orphanage we'll get you some real parents." "Hey, look, the heartland's on our side." "The Rainbow Truckers!" "Get on!" " Who are you?" " A friend" "Hold on!" "Or my waist." "I can't thank you enough, Lily." "Well, when Al and I heard about you on TV, we knew wehad to help." "Jason this is Stan and Liberty." "They're gonna stay for dinner." " Nice to meet you, sir." " Well, that's a good strong handshake, young man." "You remind me of the kid from Old Yeller." "Come on." "Let's go shoot your dog." " I don't have a dog." " We'll get you one, and then we'll shoot it." "Stan, this is my daughter Mary." "Oh, a baby!" "I love babies!" "Jesus was a baby." "Yes, he was." "And he was also a murder victim." "Oh, Al's home." "Kids, go wash up for dinner." "Lily, you have fantastic children, a beautiful home." "I can't wait to meet your husband and shake his hand." "Hi, honey." "Ah, I see you found him." "Sir, I must tell you, you have a lovely family." "You're a lucky man." "Actually, "Al" is short for "Allison."" "I'm a woman." "Right, right." "You know, I love long hair on a man." "Grown-up Jesus had long hair." "But his breasts weren't as luscious as your..." " Holy (bleep), you're a woman!" " Yes, Lily's my partner." "We're a lesbian couple." "Oh, my God, does Al know?" "Stan we showed you how happy and healthyour family is, you'd see that there's nothing wrong with a gay couple raising children." "I don't know what to say." "I was wrong." "You've really opened my eyes." "I'm just gonna go change Liberty real quick and then we'll all sit down to a beautiful meal." "See, honey, we enlightened a bigot." "We just made the world a little better." "You know, we could have turned him in to the cops, but that would have just created another monster." "Instead, we changed a mind." " We changed a heart." " This is why we left Reseda." "This right here." "Let me see if I got this right." "You kidnapped us from a loving home and are taking us to an orphanage." "Yes, your nightmare is over." "It might take years, but maybe someday a straight family will adopt you." "But we already have a family." "And you said we're a great family." "I know." "You seemed like a great family, but you can't be." "There's two mothers and no father." "Jason, who's gonna teach you how to play football?" "My football coach." "Well, okay, that could work." "But Mary who's gonna carry you on their shoulder so you can see the parade?" "My mom." "She's six feet in heels." "Move your stupid doll." "It's in my space!" "She's not stupid!" "You're stupid!" " She's my doll!" "Give her back!" " Steve, Hayley,knock it off!" "I mean..." "Wait." "You fight just like my kids." "Just like... normal kids." "We are normal kids, you moron!" "And none of the horses are eating each other." " Mom!" "Mommy!" " Our angel!" "I'm sorry, guys." "I was wrong." "Raising kids doesn't take straight parents." "It takes loving parents." "So I'm gonna take a chance and let you guys raise your own child." "Come on.Give me a hug." "You know you want to." "That wasn't campy at all." "Oh, she is so cute." "Don't forget." "You're gonna baby-sit." "We don't need a baby-sitter." "With her at home, why would we ever want to leave." "Coochie-coochie-coo!" "Did she smile when I said that?" "No." "You ever gonna drop the restraining order?" "No." "She likes sugar in her coffee."