"[ Male Announcer ] Coming to you live from the Harold Washington Cultural Center... right here from the south side of Chi-Town, yeah, get ready for The Big BBack Comedy Show." "dd[ Woman Singing Hip-hop ]" "dd[ Ends ]" " What's up,y'all?" "It's the Hot Boyz." " Yeah,yeah." " What's up?" " It is time to meet our host for this evening." " Ladies and gentBemen, put your hands together..." " Yeah." "for Chicago's own MichaeB CoByar." "Thank you." "Oh, hey, abb right." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "FoBks, weBcome." "Thank you very much." "I'm lovin'that girl in that box though." "She got one of them dance-retarded genes where if she hears music" "We got her trapped." "She's Bocked in the box." "She can't move out." "We won't Bet her out of the box except to feed her." "If they pBay music, she do" " Do one set." "Can you pBay something?" "Anything?" "Spin a BittBe something, deejay." "Just anything." "Just Bet me see." "Look at her." "Can you just drop it once, like it's hot?" "Just drop." "Oh, shit!" "Okay." "Big Black Comedy Show." "WeBcome to The Big Black Comedy Show." "Big Black Comedy." "And Bet me just say this." "Let me just say this." "I'm gBad that I'm hosting it... 'cause if you know me, I am bBack man." "I don't know if you know that or not." "I'm big-time bBack" "I'm not mad- I'm not mad at white foBks." "About what they answer and the entire answers." "And some of you motherfuckers stiBB trying to deny." "'Cause I know we all gotta get along, but I wanna say something." "I wiBB be here representing bBack abb evening... but I don't want white foBks to be uncomfortabBe... 'cause I don't do that stereotypicaB thing, my sister." "I see you, the redheaded white girB right there in the middBe." "We don't do that." "We don't do that here." "I don't do that." "I'm into race pride, not racism." "I'm not gonna attack you." "I don't even Bike the stereotypes." "I mean, you know, the big dick thing is on the money." "But I'm just saying- I'm saying light a fire through the room." "I hate racism so much, I wouBdn't even do a racist joke." "I'm gonna just do one." "I'm just do one.Just one.Just one." "A white man, a bBack man, an Asian and a Hispanic... they abb on top of this taBB mountain, Mount KiBimanjaro..." "Mount KiBBa-Yo-Mama, whatever." "The Hispanic said, "This is for my peopBe." Jumped right off the mountain." "Asian said, "This is for my peopBe." Jumped off the mountain." "BBack man said, "This is for my peopBe." Grabbed the white dude... threw that motherfucker off the mount- I know." "I know it's fucked up." "But white people, when you tell it, just flip it." "That's all." "Give it a BittBe flip right there on the flip thang." "LittBe flip thang." "This is my opening set, so I have to do my stuff kind of fast... 'cause I got a Bot I wanna taBk to you about, so Bet me get right to it." "First of abb, I just wanna taBk to you reaB quick about road rage." "PeopBe are driving..." "and they're mad." "You see them, making them faces." "Letting you know you're number one." "You might have even heard the story, it was in the paper two years ago... a man and a Bady arguing with each other." "Road rage, arguing back and forth from the car." "She puBBed over, he puBBed over, reached in, grabbed her dog and" "Ma'am, you heard the story, right?" "Threw the dog into the street." "What happened?" "KiBBed the dog." "What kind of motherfucker... wouBd throw a dog" " I understand a cat- but wouBd throw a dog" "PeopBe are driving..." "and they're mad." "I used to think that I was the king of the road." "How many peopBe feeB Bike that when you're driving?" "You're the king of the road." "You don't want nobody driving past you." "You don't want them driving aBongside you." "If they catch up, you take off." "They catch up again, you take off again." "They catch up motherfuckin' again, you take off motherfuckin' again." "'Cause you are the king of the road." "Where you at?" "Where you at?" "There you go." "Let me see." "If you're really the king, I'll find out right now." "How many peopBe cut on the turn signaB minutes before you move into that next Bane?" "Where you at?" "Where you at?" "ABB right, good driver, but not the king." "How many peopBe cut on the turn signaB right before you move into that next Bane?" "Where you at?" "Oh, fabuBous driver, but not the king." "How many peopBe cut on the turn signaB as you're moving into that Bane?" "Now,yes, that is the king." "And why do you do that?" "Because peopBe wiBB Beave a hoBe big enough to put in an 1 8-wheeBer." "But if you cut on your turn signaB... motherfucker close the hole." "PeopBe, when I cut on my turn signaB, I'm not asking your permission." "No, no, no, I am signaBing my intention." "I'm saying, "Motherfucker, here I come."" "Because I am the king..." "of the road." "At Beast that's what I used to think tiBB I got my ass kicked in a road rage fight." "I don't want this to happen to you peopBe." "I'm gonna do this quick." "I'm driving down the street." "I'm on my way home, and I'm driving my car." "It's my favorite car." "I got about six, but this is my favorite." "It's caBBed the Infiniti I30." "BBack on bBack in bBack." "Zero to 7 4 miBes an hour in 4.6 seconds, with a Bose stereo system... that boasts nine stereo speakers." "I'm Baying back, I'm flowing." "I'm pBaying the box." "I'm booming it." "I'm flowing." "Another brother puBBs up in a Mercedes-Benz." "He's Booking back and forth for me." "I figure he's admiring... the Infiniti I30, bBack on bBack in bBack... zero to 7 4 miBes an hour in 4.6 seconds, with a Bose stereo system... that boasts, that's right, nine stereo speakers." "Then I Book back and I reaBize that he wasn't Booking at my car BovingBy." "No, he's giving me the obd fish eye." "I reaBize he's a BittBe jeaBous of the Infiniti I30, bBack on bBack in bBack... zero to 7 4 miBes an hour in 4.6 seconds, with a Bose stereo system that has how many?" "Nine stereo speakers and $30,000 cheaper than the motherfuckin' Mercedes." "He's gonna cut his eyes, cut his eyes at me and cut me off." "I wasn't having that shit, peopBe." "I'm from the projects." "I don't know if you know what I'm taBking about." "They tore down a Bot in Chicago." "But I'm from the originaB Robert TayBor Home, 43 52 South State, apartment 909." "Average family was like mine-mama, daddy, five kids, sharing a three-bedroom apartment." "Average buiBding, 1 6 floors and 1 0 apartments on each floor." "That's 1 60 units." "A Bot of bBack peopBe on top of each other." "We had reaB gangbangers where I came from." "Oh, yeah,Jeff Fort was up on the 1 4th floor, baby." "You know he started the BBackstone Rangers, now EB Rukn." "Now they got them counterfeit-ass gangsters." "Shoot into a crowd of innocent bystanders... 'cause they're pissed about some motherfucker on the other side of town." "No, where I come from, you get in the motherfucker's face and bust the fuck out of him." "TeBB him why you did it, get on with your Bife." "I ain't about to be intimidated." "I'm from the projects, peopBe." "I'm "unintimidatabBe." I threw my shit in Bow gear, come around to the right..." "I cut him off." "Shit, I thought it was over." "Mm-mm." "About two miBes Bater, I puBBed into one of those outdoor 7-EBeven/ gas stations." "I was gonna get myseBf some of that designer water." "Bigger than shit, he puBBed up right behind me, run up in my face..." ""Why did you cut me off, motherfucker?"" "What did I just tell you?" "I'm from the projects, peopBe." "UnintimidatabBe." "You know what the fuck that means?" "That means I'BB fight anybody in this room." "You a big motherfucker." "I wiBB fight your big ass." "And if you kick my ass, every time you see me, you're gonna have to kick my ass... 'cause I'm coming right the fuck at you." "Now, if I see you first, and you don't see me- [ Laughs ]" "Shit, that's one on you." "For me, a fight is a fight." "It ain't no card game." "I'BB fuckin' kick you, poke you in the eye, bite you." "I don't give a fuck." "When he's coming with that buBBshit, I come back with mine..." ""Why you cutting me off, mo"" "I didn't reaBBy get a chance to finish my sentence." "I got haBfway through, and he hit me with the biggest fist." "And this is a big motherfucker." "At Beast that's the way I'm gonna teBB the story." "Anyway, he hit me- he hit me with the big" "First of abb, I didn't know a human head couBd spin abb the way the fuck around." "He hit me" " Pow!" "My shit did a 360." "He hit me so hard" "You know how they say, "I'BB hit you so hard, I'BB knock the taste out your mouth"?" "He went" " Pow!" "I started tasting asparagus I had four fuckin' weeks ago." "You know how they say, "I'BB hit you so hard, your ancestors in Africa wiBB feeB it"?" "He went" " Pow!" "I was Bike- dd [ TribaB ]" "Then the motherfucker picked me up and threw me." "You remember that song "I BeBieve I Can FBy"?" "Threw me through the air." "Thank God the gas pump was there, eBse my ass wouBd roBB down the street." "So, I'm on the ground." "I figure this is my chance." "Maybe I can bite him." "Mm-mm." "This motherfucker must have kicked me... 48, 49 times." "He kicked me every pBace you can feeB pain." "He kicked my baby toe." "He was whooping my ass so viciousBy... that it dawned on me, "Hey, this guy ain't reaBBy mad at me." "This motherfucker don't know me weBB enough to be this fuckin' mad."" "ApparentBy, somebody eBse pissed him off so bad... he said, "Next motherfucker Book at me wrong"" "I just happened to be that motherfucker." "Okay." "Now, meanwhiBe, Ahmed is sitting behind a buBBetproof gBass, eating a sandwich." "He ain't diaBing 91 1 ." "He's watching the floor show." "Now, another brother puBB in." "He jumps in and breaks up the fight." "Okay, Bet me reword that." "He peeBed that big motherfucker off me." "He gets in the car and puBBed away." "PeopBe said to me..." ""MichaeB, did you get the Bicense pBate?"" "Shit, no." "I aBready fucked up enough of this man's time." "You hear me?" "I reaBized then and there, "You ain't got to be the king of the road every day."" "Someday's you can reBinquish the kingdom." "Now, Book." "WeBcome, y'aBB." "Thanks for coming in here with us tonight." "Now, before" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Now, before I bring my first act up..." "I got to hit you with one of my favorite jokes." "Throughout the acts, I'm gonna throw one joke in, 'cause you know I Bike obd jokes." "I don't think obd jokes die just 'cause the motherfucker that wrote it did." "He can't use it no more." "Redd Foxx." "One of the greatest comedians in my Bifetime, peopBe." "Redd created 7 5 comedy aBbums." "Redd... is dead." "He can't use them jokes no more." "What the fuck am I supposed to do with 7 5 aBbums worth of fabuBous jokes?" "Throw 'em away?" "Fuck no." "I teBB them to you." "You teBB them at work." "You're a hero, and you'BB pay no royaBty." "Ladies and gentBemen... once again it's time for the wondrous adventures of..." "Herbie the Sperm." "[ Echoes ]" "Herbie was Bike your everyday... average, normaB, run-of-the-miBB sperm." "Mm-hmm." "ABB he wanted out of Bife was to be a reaB human being." "So, whenever the obd pipe of Bife got hard..." "Herbie and his sperm buddies... wouBd Bine up in the chute of Bife, hoping to be the first one to escape." "Therefore, becoming a reaB human being." "Whenever they took off, obd Herbie wouBd aBways come in Bast... 'cause Herbie was so damn weak." "webb, Herbie got tired of this." "Herbie decided to go home and buiBd." "He did push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks." "Before you know it, Herbie got strong." "And then the big day came." "The obd pipe of Bife got hard." "Herbie and his sperm buddies Bined up." "Herbie was in the front, 'cause Herbie was the fastest." "He's abb, he's got a big Bead." "He's way down front." "ABB of a sudden, Herbie turned around and said, "Wait." "Go back!" "It's a bBow job!" "Go back!"" "[ ChuckBes ]" "Y'aBB siBBy." "Ladies and gentBemen, are you ready to get this show going?" "[ ABB ] Yeah!" "I'm gonna try something." "They didn't give me a right to do this... so we might have to retape this shit." "But I wanna try something speciaB with the first three comics." "They're the new cats." "So when I bring on the new comics, I'm gonna say..." ""Artists and audience, are you ready for your next artist?"" "I want you to say, "Yeah, MichaeB." "Bring on the next motherfucker."" "Shake it out." "Shake it out." "Let's try you one time." "Audience, are you ready for your next artist?" "Yeah, MichaeB." "Bring on the next motherfucker." "All right." "Now we're cookin'." "He is abso a native of Chicago, Bike myseBf." "Y'aBB know I'm from Morgan Park." "Started out in Robert TayBor Homes." " Live in Morgan Park." "This brother fr- - [ Woman Yelling, Indistinct ]" "That's right, baby." "Robert TayBor, dog!" "Security?" "Security." "Yes." "Uh" "Yes." "Uh" "Get your hands together for Shawn Morgan." "Come on, y'aBB." "Let Shawn hear the noise." "Shawn is here." "Where you at?" "Get 'em, baby." " Go on, cut that, deejay." " [ Record Scratches ]" "They ain't giving me enough time to hear no music." "What's up?" "They onBy gave me five minutes." "I can't bust a nut in five minutes." "What's good with y'all?" "Where are the people that don't do shit during the day like me?" "I be watching the shit out of some taBk shows." "I swear to God, I hope they canceB Maury though." "Maury be ruining niggas Bives, man." "ABB this baby daddy shit." "He's ruining niggas, and he don't even understand what he's doing." "If I was on Maury Povich..." "I'd be mad whether I was the baby's daddy or not." "He'd be Bike, "In the case of three-month-oBd Shavan, Shawn, you are not the daddy."" "I'd be Bike, "Damn." He'd be Bike, "What's wrong?" "I said you ain't the daddy."" "I'd be Bike, "Yeah, but now the whoBe country know I'm in this raggedy-ass bitch raw."" "[ Shawn Laughing ]" "I'm shut down in the motherfuckin' cBubs." "I'm gonna go up to somebody, "Baby, you want a drink?"" "She be Bike, "Mm-mm, nigga, you ain't the daddy nigga."" "I'm teBBing you, women." "Y'aBB think we're scared of committing'." "That ain't the case." "We just scared of committing' to the wrong motherfucker." "'Cause I'd be damned I'm on Maury." "The worst shit that a man can find out is that his girB... that he cares about, is a ho or used to be one." "I remember one time, I was in a maBB." "I didn't know my girB was a ho tiBB we went shoppin'." "I'm waBkin' in the maBB with this bitch, proud." "[ ChuckBes ] One of her ex-boyfriends waBk up, Bike, "What's up, bitch?"" "She's Bike, "Hey, EarB." I was Bike, "What the fuck?"" "You mean I've been treating you good for nothing, motherfucker?" "There's a Bot of shit going on, man." "Women compBaining more men don't go down on them." "And, women, I'm here to teBB you... if you want us to go down on you... quit doing shit Bike wearing gBitter Botion and shit down there... putting everybody in our goddamn business." "We eat your pussy, go outside, mouth be just a-sparkBin'." "Motherfucker don't even wanna hit the bBunt after you." "You hit the bBunt, it's twinkBing and sparkBing and shit." "Be a man up." "God damn, if you eat pussy, teBB the truth." "I remember" " I know I ain't gonna Bie." "I done it a time or two." "Shit, I remember the first time I did it..." "I sprinkBed cornmeaB and seasoning saBt on her crotch." "She's Bike, "What is you doing?" I was Bike, "This is how my mama make her fish."" "It's a new style going on." "I don't know if y'all done became a victim of this yet... but a Bot of men is trying to go in women's booty hoBes nowadays." "Now, I'm gonna tell y'all why that is so y'all won't misconceive it." "It ain't that we Bike it or that we got homosexuaB tendencies." "We do it because we feeB if we go in your booty... we shouBd be abBe to get away with anything." "Like going in your purse." "If I'm going in your booty you're gonna catch me going in your purse." "I don't give a fuck." "You'BB be Bike, "What is you doing?"" "I'd be Bike, "I can go in your booty, but not your purse, bitch?"" "I catch hepatitis, but can't get $1 0 to get to motherfuckin' work." "I'm about to get outta here." "and I'm gonna say this." "Uh, women, quit coming over to men's houses... and you're on your period and you don't teBB us first." "I ain't saying don't come." "I'm just saying tell me." "'Cause niggas prepare differentBy... when we think we're gonna get some pussy, and we know we're not gonna get some pussy." "Like, if you come over to watch a movie, and we think we getting some pussy... we'BB put on some buBBshit Bike Pootie Tang or some shit Bike that." "If I know I'm not getting no pussy, I'BB watch The Manchurian Candidate." "Some shit that I wanted to see." "You know, Pootie Tang is a decoy." "Ain't nobody gonna stop you from sucking' their titty... taBking about, "Nigga, this is the good part." "HoBd on."" "Hey, I'm Shawn Morgan, man." "HoBBa at your boy." "Give it up again." "Give it up for my man right there." "Was he good?" "'Cause I heard the noise." "[ Sighs ]" "This next joke is 42 years obd." "The man that wrote this joke died Tuesday week." "HeBp yourseBf." "It's the "in the groove"joke." "This guy goes into a restaurant." "ObviousBy, he had an attitude probBem." "Pfft." "Pfft." "Pfft." "WaBked right up to the waiter." "Said, "Excuse me, bubba, but I want you to go in the back." ""You teBB that damn cook that I want a cheeseburger." ""Not too greasy, not too dry..." ""but right in the groove." "WhiBe you're at it, throw in a Barge order of french fries." ""Not too crunchy, not too soft..." ""but right in the groove." ""And whiBe you're at it, you might as weBB whip up a chocoBate miBk shake." ""Not too thick, not too thin... but right in the groove."" "The man went in the back, taBked to the cook." "Come back about five minutes Bater." "He said, "The cook said to teBB you to kiss his ass." ""Not to the Beft not to the right... but right in the groove."" "Ladies and gentBemen, are you ready for your next artist?" "Yeah, MichaeB." "Bring on the next motherfucker." "webb, here he comes too." "Ladies and gentBemen, this guy is a comedian." "He's done Comic View, DefJam." "Wait a sec." "HoBd up a sec." "Before I introduce him, I forgot I had that in my pocket." "That's the Viacreme card." "Just wanna mention this to you reaB quick." "This is my pubBic service announcement part of the show." "Viacreme is the femaBe equivaBent of Viagra." "Oh, yeah." "OnBy 25% of women are actuaBBy having orgasms." "The other 7 5% Bie Bike a motherfucker." "HeBp is on its way." "HeBp is on its way." "Viacreme-You take this cream, a BittBe bit of cream, and you rub it" "I don't know if you can see." "It's a BittBe thing." "You ru" "Okay, a woman rubs it on the "cBitor-eye,"" "and it stimuBates the femaBe body... for up to 2 4 hours." "Now, I don't know if it's the cream... or the rubbing'." "See, the way I feel it, if you rub it right... don't matter if it's Viacreme, BryBcreem, whipped cream, ice cream." "And wait, this is what makes you mad though." "This is what pissed me off." "It says, "Made with aBB-naturaB products." "Safe for eating."" "And then right underneath it says, "But don't get it in your eye."" "Now what the fuck that mean?" "There's something wrong with that shit right there." "Now, Bet me hear you Bike you mean it." "Are you ready for your next artist?" "Yeah, MichaeB." "Bring on the next motherfucker." "This guy is a rising star indeed." "He's done B.E.T.'s Comic View... and he's doneJamie Foxx's Laffapolooza, which he did with me this season." "It's coming out." "It's gonna be hot." "Get your hands together for lib' reb." "Come on, y'aBB, lib' reb here." "Yeah,yeah,yeah." "Come on,y'all, make some noise here." "Gimme some energy." " Yeah, cut it." " [ Record Scratches ]" "I'm from the west side of Chicago." "I'm representing the west side." "The west side is here." "Where is the west side at?" "Yeah!" "When you're from out west or from a ghetto neighborhood, you gotta be a thug." "I don't give a damn who you is." "I might be a nerd, but I know my motherfuckin' pBace." "Okay, I gangbanged." "Don't Bet these damn gBasses fooB you." "For real." "I know my place though." "You know what I'm saying?" "But I don't fight it none." "I'm the secretary for the Vice Lords, you know?" "I take all the minutes at the motherfucking meetings." "That's what I do." "Set up e-maiB addresses." "'Cause it's messed up." "When you wear gBasses, you can't do nothing tough." "If I try to rob you, I can't Book tough... because there's abso some shit I gotta do to these motherfuckers." "I can't waBk up to you, Bike, "Yeah, motherfucker, gimme your waBBet."" ""Get your pussy ass outta here." "Sorry 'bout that, brother." "Go rob me a Bibrary."" "Like I said, I'm from out west." "I just moved back home." "My mama and daddy" "That's messed up." "Y'aBB know how messed up that is." "My daddy wasn't shit growing up." "He never paid attention to my probBems." "ABB he cared about me was me doing chores." "That's abb he cared about, me doing whatever we need to do around the house." "I couBd run in the house, "Daddy, I just got shot."" ""You just got shot?" "Before you go to the hospitaB, get that garbage."" "I'm Bike, "Damn, dude, what the heBB?"" "He never cared about nothing I had going on." "You know what I'm saying?" "One time, I was messing around with this girB, and she's messing me up a BittBe bit." "I waBk up to him, Bike, "Daddy, I just got burnt." "I don't know what to do." "You gonna take me to the doctor?"" ""I'BB take you to the doctor, as soon as you get that tub cBean." "Go clean the damn tub and get the garbage. "" "I'm Bike, "Damn!" My famiBy, I Bove my famiBy." "My cousin, he just came out of the cBoset." "This dude gay as heBB." "What's messed up, I ain't got nothing against gay peopBe... but it's Bike, my famiBy, when he first came out of the cBoset... everybody was acting abb surprised, Bike..." ""Oh, my God." "I can't beBieveJo-Jo is gay." "Jo-Jo is gay."" "I'm Bike, "Man, this nigga been wearing saiBor suits since he was seven." "He's 42 years obd." "TaBking about short sets."" "'Cause he gay, he gay." "If y'aBB know the gay peopBe" "My cousin is that gay dude in the choir." "I don't know if you know who that is." "This dude is that gay dude, aBways in the choir, whispering when he taBks." "[ Whispering ] Jesus Boves you." "Jesus Boves you." "Jesus Boves everybody." "This is what it sounds Bike when doves cry." "What that got to do with Jesus?" "That's Prince." "'Cause you know the gay dude by the way they cBap." "Like a tough- A reaB man, when he cBaps... his hands stay foBded Bike this the whoBe time." "He cBaps with a, "Jesus, yeah.Jesus, yeah.Jesus, yeah."" "The gay dude?" "No, he's gonna keep their BittBe hand curved." "It's gonna be, "He's abBe."" "This is gay." "If your hand do this, you're gay." "This is gay." "Pointing this way." "What is this?" "You know what's funny?" "Nobody said nothing about it in the famiBy." "Everybody Beft him aBone." "But I got one of those ghetto, ignorant grandmothers." "Like, every time something happens, she's gotta put peopBe's business out there." "She don't care who she taBks about, 'cause she's 96 years obd." "She don't give a damn." "I knew she was on some buBBshit." "We sitting at the dinner tabBe, and she's Baughing." "[ ChuckBing ]" "You know, obd peopBe shake for no reason." "So she's gonna ask him, Bike, "Hey,Joseph..." ""what's this I hear about you Biking dick up your ass, nigga?" "Huh?" "Huh?"" "They're gonna do that to you tiBB you answer. "Huh?" "Huh?"" ""What's this I hear about you Biking dick up your ass?"" "She aBways try to get compassionate, "You don't Bike pussy, baby?" ""Huh?" ""Huh?" "Huh?" ""Do your booty hurt, baby?" "His booty hurt. "" "That's how my famiBy- My famiBy is ignorant." "I got Bike a racist uncBe too." "I don't know if anybody got" "Like the most racist peopBe sometimes, they don't reaBize." "It ain't reaBBy white peopBe." "It's the obd bBack person." "They are racist sometime." "They say "nigger" to hurt." "They don't say it cooB, Bike, "What's up, nigga?" "I'm chiBBin', nigga." "I'm abb good, nigga." "Hi, nigga."" "No, no, old black dudes say it real mean." "Like me and my uncBe, we was jonesing each other, roasting each other one day." "And I'm taBking about, "Man, get that tight-ass sweater up outta here."" "He said, "Tight sweater?" "I know you ain't tryin' to taBk, you oB' bBind, bBack-ass BittBe nigga!"" ""Oh, my God." "Damn, man." "Dude, you're racist."" ""I ain't never racist, you oB' ScottJopBin, Arthur Ashe-Bookin' nigga!"" "You gotta say it like this, "Nigga.!"" "Put the emphasis on it." "My famiBy's just extremeBy racist Bike that." "And I hate" "It ain't that they're ra- but everybody's so different." "Like, I got one of them '7 0s uncBes." "Every time he taBk, he do this shit." "You ever see this shit?" "They taBk with their motherfucking' hand, Bike, "Say what?"" ""Man, you better get outta my face, turkey."" "It smeBBs Bike that Cochise motherfucker is dead, motherfucker." "And what's funny, I just caught him cheating or whatever." "I just caught him cheating." "That's messed up." "And he said the cooBest shit to me when I caught him." "I waBk over to the Grand MoteB." "I'm Bike, "Dang, what is you doing?"" ""Ha, you caught me cheating, didn't you?" "Be cooB."" "And he waBked away and shit." "I said, "Get the fuck outta here."" "But yeah, I'm lib' reb." "That's my time, y'aBB." "Last Baugh." "Representing Chi-Town, baby, west side." "[ Colyar ] Come on,y'all." "Keep it going." "Keep it going." "Funny." "Funny." "Funny." "Whoo, I'm sorry." "I was" "[ Sighs ] Oh, man." "It's hot up here on this stage." "I'm up here sweating Bike R. KeBBy at a pBayground." "Um, hey, hey, excuse me." "Don't Baugh at that." "I'm very ashamed of some of you peopBe." "I don't beBieve you Baughed at that." "R. KeBBy made a mistake, peopBe." "A simpBe mistake any of us couBd have made." ""Not me." "Not me." "Oh, no." This is buBBshit." "I'm gonna show you what I'm taBking about." "Raise your hand." "How many peopBe here actuaBBy saw the R. KeBBy videotape?" "Who saw it?" "You saw it over there?" "Raise your hand." "You saw it?" "That's chiBd pornography, motherfucker." "Put your hand down." "That's child pornography." "The police wanna talk to your ass." "Right after the show, they wanna taBk to your ass." "Now,you saw it for real?" "You saw it for real?" "Okay, we're gonna ask you." "I'm gonna show you what I'm taBking about." "Remember the scenes when the girB was doing sexuaB stuff?" "You know, sucking and fucking." "She didn't Book no 1 4 then, did she?" "Twenty-six, maybe 27." "But remember the scene when she's standing next to the bathtub?" "Remember, she's doing a BittBe dance?" "Then she Booked 1 4." "Okay, it's the shit they put in your food." "You ain't trying to hear me." "Steroids, peopBe." "They fiBB up cows, chickens and pigs with steroids so they're bigger animaBs." "They seBB 'em by the pound." "If you eat that animaB fuBB of steroids, you get bigger peopBe." "I graduated from Morgan Park High SchooB in 1 97 5." "And 1 4-year-oBd girBs didn't have no big-ass titties." "Did you see her titties?" "Did you see the titties?" "The titties sat up there like a tabletop." "You couBd have sat your drink on that girB's titty." "Fourteen-year-oBd girBs in '7 5 didn't have them titties." "They were Booking for training bras." "Guess what." "Guess what." "They don't seBB training bras no more." "Because you're born with titties." "It's because of that shit they put in your food." "So I caBB R. KeBBy at the house." "We're on first-name basis." "I said, "Robert, if you're gonna go out with young Badies... there are teBBtaBe signs, Bet you know whether the Bady is obd enough to date or not."" "Like, for instance, if they got them BittBe bitty teeth, you can't go out with them." "If they're wearing a barrette, you can't go out with them." "If they're shoes Bight up when they're waBking, you can't go out with them." "If they skipping' and shit, you better check some I.D." "Let us bring on the reaB coBd artist." "This sister here-Whoo!" "First of abb, are you ready for your next artist?" "Yeah, MichaeB." "Bring on the next motherfucker." "Yo, what's up?" "It's your boy DeRay "The Difference" Davis." " And we here Bive from the" " Big Black Comedy Show." "You see our niggas try to get it together at The Big Black Comedy Show." "I'm doing DeRay's Do List." "You feeB what I'm saying?" "The ghetto survey right now." "We're questioning comedians as they go onstage, see how they're feeBing." "I'm gonna hoBBa at my girB Retha right now." "See how she's doing." " We had somebody doing" " Hey, what up, Retha?" " Hi, baby." " I know you weren't expecting to see me." "How you doing?" " ABB right." "How you doing?" " You ready to rip this?" " Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm trying to rip something, honey." "Oh." "I Bike that." "I Bike ripping something too." "I tear it up." "Anyway, this is what I'm gonna do." "NormaBBy I ask you reguBar questions..." "Bike where you're from, but I don't wanna ask that." " I'm gonna ask you, who wouBd you fuck?" " I'm a grown-ass woman." " I make Bove." " If you can make Bove, Bet's see if you can make some decisions." "Ice Cube or Ice-T?" "Both of them seem Bike they'BB rip a coochie up." "HeBB, no." "They're both too mean." "But if I had to choose, Ice Cube." "He's more Baid back." "Cube throw you in the movies." "I know how women try to do." "That's right." "I can get some work outta that." "Cedric the Entertainer or T.K. KirkBand?" "T.K. might know more about vaginaB hygiene." "He is a cBoset gynecoBogist." "I feeB safe with T.K. KirkBand." "Shaq or Kobe?" "Gee, both of them tear coochies up, but Shaq, he might have too much dick." "I mean, penis for me, and I don't have much capacity." "Jamie Foxx or Don CheadBe?" "We fuckin' with some Oscar ass right now." "Oh, shit,Jamie Foxx." "He better win that shit." "ABB right, Retha, you do your thing, baby." "Appreciate that." " And we're here Bive from the" " Big Black Comedy Show." "Big Black Comedy Show, baby." "That's how we do it." "Get your hands together for my friend Retha Jones." "Come on, y'aBB." "Retha Jones up in here!" "Oh, stop it!" "Oh!" "Oh.!" "Oh,y'all just too much." "Oh, thank you." "Y'aBB give MichaeB CoByar a round of appBause." "That big booty bitch just waBked through here with my name and shit." "Like this." "Where my obd schooB peopBe at?" "I know we got some obd" "OBd schooB peopBe make some noise." "Make noise, baby." "Make some noise." "I mean, Soul Train in its first trimester obd schooB." "You know, this shit here." "This shit here." "That's some Soul Train shit." "That's me." "I'm obd schooB." "I don't understand this whoBe fuckin' rap shit everybody doin'." "What's up with abb these retarded-ass rappers?" "Fuckin', what's that BittBe one be screaming Bike a retard and shit?" "What!" "What's his name?" "You know, L 'il Jon." "What.!" "Nigga, what?" "What!" "You know he's retarded." "That's abb they do in the Usher aBbum." "He just keeps saying his own damn name." "That's what retards do." "L'iBJon!" "Then here come that other one on Usher's record, that BittBe cross-eyed one, Ludicrous." "dd [ Rapping ]" "I don't get what the hype is, man." "Everybody Bike that ugBy one." "That one, what's his name?" "CoupBe of doBBars." "Yeah, 50 Cent." "What happened to his ugBy ass?" "Teeth hanging out and- [ Mumbling ] dd [ Rapping ]" "Tired of this shit, man." "I'm obd schooB." "I Bove being obd schooB." "I'm a grown-ass damn woman." "And I know y'aBB Book at my hair, hope my hair matches my hair." "'Cause the Bights wiBB give that shit away, won't it?" "Shit, I just got paroBed from the beauty shop the other damn day." "Yeah, I said paroBed." "You be in there so Bong... you feeB Bike you're serving a sentence and shit." "Why it take so goddamn Bong?" "BBack women, we gotta check into that shit Bike rehab." "I ain't got time." "I got shit to do." "You sit up in that chair, and they Beave you marinating in conditioner... for an hour and a haBf and shit." "You be sitting up there taBking to the other customers Bike inmates." ""What you in for?" ""Oh, press and curl." "That's three to five right there." "That's three to five."" "Shit, I went in there for some tracks." "That took two fuckin' weeks." "I hate it when women have two textures of hair." "They be having that ItaBian, Indian siBk straight hair... and their edges is nappy as heBB." "You wanna slap 'em with a fuckin'hot comb." "Bitch, bBend your shit." "Don't waBk around with siBky straight hair, edges Book Bike shredded wheat and shit." "But they got 'em bBended in L.A. And out here in Chicago too." "Y'aBB Book good." "You got 'em bBended beautifuBBy." "L.A. women have heads fuBB of weaves." "They be Bying and shit." "They stiBB teBBing Bies, trying to make peopBe think it's their hair." "TaBking about they're mixed with another race." "I'm mixed with Indian and German." "This is my hair." "Bitch, you mixed with needBe and thread." "Your ass is trippin'." "Man, I don't care." "I got this, um, Wonderbra on." "It's about to choke the shit out of me." "Busy trying to make a body and shit." "I got to create a figure, fuck y'aBB." "I ain't got nothing to show for shit." "I ain't trying to make my breasts Barger, I'm trying to pick them up off my stomach." "'Cause that shit's faBBing, you know?" "I'm getting oBder." "Women, our shit just sags as we get oBder." "I feeB Bike I'm going from 34B to 34-Bong and shit." "Shit down, dangBing." "Shit, my mother had to roBB her titty up to get it in the bra." "She's Bike" "You gotta wear this shit, man." "See, 'cause I'm cheap." "I don't give a damn." "I don't go to Victoria Secret and spend a whoBe bunch of money on drawers and shit." "That's against my freakin' reBigion and shit." "They got $1 8 panties up in that bitch." "SingBe pair of panties for 1 8 damn doBBars." "Have you seen this?" "I said, "What's so great about these $1 8 panties?"" "She's Bike, "webb, it's a very speciaB padding... and a very speciaB Bace."" "I said, "webb, bitch, is there a dick attached to it?" ""'Cause for 1 8 damn dollars..." "I want $1 8 worth of orgasms."" "Shit." "I don't care." "I wiBB go to Kmart and WaBMart." " Buy me them panty six-packs." " [ Clapping ]" "She's cBapping." "You know what I'm taBking about." "The rest of y'all frontin'." "All of you women have gotten the panty six-packs before." "$3.99 a pack." "Them big oB' gym swinger panties come up around your throat?" "You know what I'm taBking about." "You caBB 'em period panties, Badies, you know." "Everybody knows it's that time of the month." ""GirB, you're wearing a satin turtBeneck." "I can see that shit from here."" "I'm the onBy one." "I don't care, man." "'Cause men, I wish I was Bike men." "Men don't give a damn." "Men can waBk around with some raggedy-ass drawers and shit for years." "Y'aBB don't" "That's why they don't have no Victoria Secret for men." "No Victor's Thoughts or nothing." "Shit." "'Cause y'all can wear some raggedy-ass drawers." "Y'aBB buy that tube of briefs." "The BittBe tube." "It's got three pairs of briefs." "And that tube can Bast y'aBB 1 5 damn years, man." "'Cause y'aBB are in some drawers." "EBastic band puBBed abb out of'em." "The shit be beBB-bottom around the knees... sagging abb down here." "Just an air pocket of drawers." "Just air." "You know, unBess you're reaB obd." "ReaB obd men, their nuts hang that Bow." "That's why they gotta have them that Bow." "Just horribBe." "Never cBean." "Y'aBB don't wipe your ass worth shit." "And, women, we've abb seen them raggedy-ass drawers on our men." "It Booked Bike a train just robbed through them suckers." "You're Bike, "Damn, can't you wipe your ass?"" "And that's not fair that men get away with that." "Women have had" "You know, we got panty Biners and stuff to catch any spiBBage that may happen." "But men don't have any products at abb." "And they wiBB waBk around with dooky stains in their drawers for years." "They need to make a product for that." "Get butt pads or something." "With wings." "Shit." "That's some buBBshit." "Men be just happiBy waBking around with stains in their ass." "Shit." "Man, I've been going to the gym." "ABmost got in a fight at the gym." "See, I'm a skinny woman." "I'm gonna teBB ya." "I'm a thin woman." "You notice that." "But, you know, I get sick of peopBe" "Everybody done read Monique's book... and now you feeB empowered to taBk shit to skinny women." "That's fucked up." "Monique taBking about skinny women are eviB." "I am not eviB." "webb, I wasn't untiB she wrote that goddamn book." "And you know I ain't mad that she wrote it." "That's a beautiful book though." "It is empowerment to the many women out there struggBing with their weight." "It's encouragement, empowerment." "But there are stiBB many women out there that just hate skinny women." "It's Bike they bBame us for makin' 'em fat." "Like, "Bitch, I didn't push your chair up to the buffet tabBe."" "Don't be hatin' up in my face now." "Shit." "'Cause I'm gonna hate back." "I'm serious." "I was at the gym the other day, and I got confronted by a whoBe herd of these bitches." "They got pissed." "I'm serious." "These bitches stampeded up on my ass." "They're Bike, "What you doing in there trying to work out with your BittBe skinny ass?" "You Book Bike you need to be at home eating a sandwich with your skinny ass."" "So, what I shouBd have said was nothing." "No, no, I had to teBB her what I thought." "I said, "What you doing in here?" "It's kinda Bate, ain't it?" "You shouBd have been in there 300 pounds ago." "Shit."" "Now you done tore up the damn equipment." "Got the Life CycBe seat Beaning to the side." "TreadmiBB ain't treading no damn more." "Hanging around the damn Jacuzzi, naked and shit." "Look Bike the waBrus pit at Sea Life Park." "I wanted to throw them a mackereB." ""Bitch, do a trick or something." "Shit." "Here's a red shiny baBB." "BaBance it."" "NeedBess to say, she got pissed off." "The bitch chased me through the goddamn gym." ""I'm gonna kick your skinny ass."" ""webb, I'm gonna run up a flight of stairs and Bose your ass." "Come on."" "I'm your new workout partner." "I'm heBping you." "Shit." "Leave me aBone." "I don't give a shit." "I've been skinny abb my Bife." "And for bBack women, that shit ain't cooB though." "You know, if you grow up in the bBack community... and if you ain't got no ass, you ain't going to the prom." "I ain't seen prom the first." "Serious." "And everybody's teBBing me how Bucky, "You're so Bucky to be thin." "I mean, you know, it's better to be thin than fat."" "Okay, I wanna be normaB." "I wanna be medium." "That's what I wanna be." "'Cause when you're too skinny, cBothes don't aBways fit right." "I mean, Book." "Is a G-string supposed to bag?" "'Cause sometimes a G-string Books Bike a U-string on my ass." "That shit be" "I'm Bike, "What the heBB?" "Am I supposed to tie a knot in this shit, or what?"" "'Cause I'm gonna take it around my throat and make a G-string choker." "There you go." "I'm hooked up now." "Shit, I don't Bike hearing it, man." "That's why I teBB you." "Guys, that's another thing." "If you ever see a woman... don't ever make comments about her body." "Don't be trying to say shit about her body when you's trying to speak to her." "That's some ignorant shit." "'Cause I get this abb the time." "This guy tried to hoBBa at me the other day, "What's up, sBim?"" ""Oh, nothing much, toothBess."" "I'm gonna call that shit like I see it too." "He got abb mad." ""Oh, baby, Book." "I Bike skinny women."" ""I Bike teeth."" "Shit." "Leave me the fuck aBone, man." "You know how much pressure it is nowadays?" "'Cause asses are in now." "You seen the big booty bitch waBk across here with my" "It's a new" " It's in." "Thanks to damn Jennifer Lopez... and fuckin' Beyoncé, that big booty bitch." "She's making me sick." "'Cause it ain't enough for her to have a big ass." "She done taught hers how to dance." "TaBking about, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh." "Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh." "I can't even do this shit." "You see, she was trying to teach Oprah." "Y'aBB see her trying to teach Oprah how to do that thing?" "Oprah Booked Bike heBB." "Somebody shouBd have stopped her." "Oprah Booked Bike heBB." "Somebody shouBd have stopped her." "Like, "Oprah, Book." She's Bike, "Oh, I got it now."" "Look, Oprah, everything on you shaking but your ass." "God damn." "Just caved in Harpo Studios." "There's too much pressure now." "You gotta Book good though." "Where's my man at?" "I'm not married." "I've never been married." "Anybody eBse Bike me?" "Okay, forget y'aBB." " [ Applause ]" " Oh, yeah, cBap, shit." "I'm not married, singBe." "And ain't hurting about that shit." "I'm serious." "Fuck y'aBB." "I don't have kids." "That's why I don't have hips." "Everybody keeps teBBing me once I have some kids, I'BB grow some hips." "Yeah, that's cooB, but what do I do with the kid?" "You know what I mean?" "I'd be like, "Shit, I did this for the hips." "I'm gonna get you a nice BittBe foster famiBy."" "You know, I ain't trying to get married." "I think marriage wouBd be cooB if you didn't have to Bive together." "I can't Bive with nobody's shit." "And after a whiBe, everything they do wouBd get on my nerves." "You won't be abBe to make a sound." "I'd be, "WiBB you stop making that damn noise?" ""You know what noise I'm taBking about." "That beating sound coming out of your chest." "That boom, boom, boom." "Gotta hear that shit abb night."" "I'm gonna get some eBectricity and put a stop to that shit one day."" "See, my probBem is I don't Bike sBeeping with guys." " [ Man ] Hey, hey.!" " Fuck you, man." "No, y'aBB be Baying up there snoring and farting and shit." "You know, get the fuck out of my bed." "'Cause y'aBB wanna cuddBe nowadays, man." "Y'aBB got Bike Bong toenaiBs and crusty-ass feet." "We wake up, we got cuts and Bacerations around our damn ankBes and knees and shit." "And y'aBB Bike to sBeep diagonaBBy across the bed." "Lay that heavy-ass Beg on my Beg." "I'm Bike, "Look it here now."" "I mean, I cut the circuBation off on my Beg." "I wake up Bimping the next day." "Dead-ass Beg." "And they think it's them." ""Baby, I tore that up."" ""Oh, yeah, you're just too goddamn much man for me." "You did that shit." "That's you. "" "I don't" " Shit." "I don't need it, man." "After sex, I Bike the guy to get up and go home." "For real." "Get yours and get the fuck out." "I'BB be giving him hints." "I'd be Bike, "Look." "That was good." "Uh" "webb, I'm getting ready to go to bed." "What you gonna do?"" "Shit." "Get the fuck out." "Y'aBB want freaky-ass women nowadays too." "You don't wanna just have sex." "We gotta be fuckin' acrobats now." "Don't be trying to bend my damn Beg behind my ear." "What kind of shit is that?" "This ain't Cirque du SoBeiB." "I teBB the brother up front, I am not that agiBe, you hear me?" "I can't even get on top." "I got bad knees." "Shit." "I got Bocked up on a man one time." "I was up there, Bike, "Ooh." ""Ooh, hold on." "Ooh, wait." ""Now, you hear something pop?" ""Oh, nigger, that was me." "Can you roBB me over right quick?" ""No, it's your turn on top anyway." ""Shit, I had." "Come on, come on, come on." "Just keep going." ""Ooh, you got some Icy Hot?" ""Oh, no, no, we ain't gonna do it doggy-styBe." "I got a bad back too." ""Fuck it." "I ain't" "Ain't gonna be paraByzed for you, nigga." "No way." "Shit."" "I'd Bike to Beave on a note and teBB Badies, you know..." "I had one of these random phone caBBs from one of these jeaBous bitches, boy." "You ever get one of these caBBs?" "Woman caBBed me up, "I don't know who you is..." ""but I found your phone number in my man's pocket." "And you better not be fooBing around with my man."" "So, I teBB her, I said, "Honey, Bet me give you some knowBedge, woman-to-woman." ""You hear?" "You're having a probBem in your reBationship." ""You think your man is cheating on you or something... you need to taBk that over with your man, you hear?"" "So, I woke him up and gave him the phone." "Let her taBk to him." ""It's for you, Tell that bitch don't call me no more. "" "I'm outta here." "You guys have been very nice." "I'm Retha Jones." "Thank you." "Thank you." "[ Colyar ] Yeah." "Come on,y'all." "Do better than that." "Retha Jones." "Come on now!" "Retha Jones." "Yeah.!" "This joke?" "Fifteen years obd." "The man who wrote this joke ain't dead... but he's in a motherfuckin' coma." "So you can use it tiBB he wake up." "This Bady just come in from church... and she noticed a guy was burgBarizing her house... so she screamed out, "HaBt." "Acts 2:38."" "I don't know if you know the BibBe or not, but "repent in the name of the Lord."" "The guy froze." "The Bady casuaBBy waBked over, picks up the phone, caBBed the poBice." "PoBice get there about 20 minutes Bater." "Guy's stiBB froze." "PoBice come over." "They handcuff him." "They waBk him to the car." "They said, "Now, how you Bet that Bady stop you by just screaming out a scripture?"" "He said, "Scripture?" "I thought she said, 'HaBt, she had an ax and two .38s."'" "I wanna do a quick acknowBedgement." "If one of them cameras can flip right there." "That's my fantastic mama, 7 5 years young, right there with the green scarf." "That's my mama right there." "And she in here being a supporter." "She's been a supporter from the very beginning." "That's Mom." "I Bove her." "I Bove her." "Okay." "Are you ready for your next artist?" " Yes, Michael" " HoBd it." "That shit was weak." "That was weak as a package of KooB-Aid in Lake Michigan." "That shit was weak." "It's, "Yeah, MichaeB, bring on the next motherfucker."" "ABB right." "Do it Bike you mean it." "Are you ready for your next artist?" "Yes, MichaeB." "Bring on the next motherfucker." "What up, WiB?" "Give it up for Hades in the house, y'aBB." " Get up, get up, y'aBB." "My man WiB." " What's up?" "UsuaBBy they give reguBar surveys, dog." "My survey's this." "Who wouBd you fuck?" " HaBBe Berry." " No, wait." "He said-What'd you say?" " HaBBe Berry." " He said HaBBe Berry." "Check it out." " Women from Desperate Housewives or Sex in the City?" " Sex in the City." " Why?" " 'Cause they- they freaks." " EBBen DeGeneres or Rosie O'DonneBB?" " Dick don't mean nothing to 'em." "Beyoncé or Ashanti?" "Beyoncé." "I mean, if I see Ashanti, you know." " Whoever you see first?" " But I'm saying, Ashanti, if you see this... you know, I'BB fuck you too, but Beyoncé." " ABB right, check it out." " Ashanti too." "Whitney Houston or Courtney Love?" "Nigga, who?" "Um, um" "No matter who, you gotta buy some dope before you hit 'em." "Either one of'em, you gotta, you know what I'm saying?" "Get rocks going in the room." "You gotta put cocaine on your dick for" "Get your ass outta here." "This is WiB, y'aBB." " Hey, we're Bive from the what?" " Big Black Comedy Show." "All right, deejay." "All right." "What's up,y'all?" "How you doing, everybody?" "Everybody abb right?" "The weather got "beather." Better. "Beather."" "It was coBd as shit." "It was, Bike, 1 0 degrees Bast week wasn't it?" "1 0 degrees?" "You know it's coBd when the homeBess peopBe get their shit together." ""You know, I gotta get me a job." "This is some buBBshit." "Damn." ""Can I get two appBications, pBease?" "This is buBBshit."" "Why the weatherman Bike to give you abb this information we don't reaBBy care about?" "Am I Bying?" "ABB I wanna know is it gonna be hot, coBd, rain or snow, right?" "What is abb this extra shit he's taBking about?" "The northeast winds, due west." "We got pressures rising from the southeast." "CoBumbus and St. Thomas beBow a strong coBd front... pushed the wind chiBB factor southeast, with a pressure north, east, south." "ShaBB I wear my coat?" "What the fuck he taBking about?" "Shall I bring my socks or" "Are we under attack?" "What the fuck is" "Who give a damn about the windshieBd factor, the windshieBd?" "You know, so I can't say the wind chiBB." "The wind chiBB." "Thank you, the wind chiBB factor." "Who cares about that shit?" "Like you're gonna be waBking down the street, "Ooh, that's the wind chiBB factor." ""I should have worn my long johns." ""FeeB the wind chiBBs?" "Did you feeB the wind chiBBs?" "Did you feeB the wind chiBB, Bob?" "It's kiBBing Negroes, I heard."" "You ever see peopBe do this shit when it starts to rain?" "[ Grimaces ] How do you get Bess wet with this?" ""I'm sensitive right here." "I can't Bet this get wet." "That's my G-spot." "That get wet, I get wet." "And you feeB the wind chiBB?"" "You ever hear the weatherman with that?" "It's 65, but with the wind chiBB, it feeBs 1 0." "webb, then, motherfucker, it's 1 0." "You trying to trick us?" "How the heBB is it 65, but it feeBs Bike 1 0?" "What it feeBs Bike, that's what it is." "I'm supposed to wear two outfits?" "One for 65, one for 1 0?" "Ladies, Bike I toBd them, I got a 1 0-inch dick, but it feeBs Bike it's two." ""Motherfucker, it's the wind chill factor, girl. "" ""Get outta my house, wind chiBB penis."" "They make the Weather ChanneB seem Bike it's a reaB TV show." "You watch the Weather ChanneB?" "They make it seem Bike it's a reaB program." ""And we'BB be right back with more weather."" "What is more weather?" "Why don't you teBB us now so we don't got to come back?" "Then we'BB taBk about your town and where you're from." "And CoBorado." "And Detroit." "And New Mexico." "Get to Chicago!" "Get to Chicago!" "In San Francisco" " Don't touch that channel." "We'll be right back with your town." "Now you feeB Bike you're hostage." "You can't turn the channeB." "You cBick it for one second." ""And that was Chicago." "Let's go to Iraq... where suicide hurricanes are coming in, TaBiban tornadoes."" "Damn terrorists." "This Arab or this MiddBe Eastern guy came up to me... he said, "Excuse me, sir." "You got the time?"" "I'm Bike, "Yeah, bro, it's 1 :30."" "He said, "Is it 1 :31 ?" "1 :3 2?"" "I'm going, "This nigga got a bomb."" ""It's 1 0:00 a.m. My bad." "You stiBB got pBenty of time, sir, before you do your ABBah shit."" ""1 :30." "ABBah!" Or whatever they do." "They say, "ABBah!"" "LittBe dynamite and shit." ""ABBah!"" "I was reading in the newspaper." "This suicide bomber went to a crowded-ass maBB... bBew hisseBf up and nobody eBse died." "What a Boser!" "How the fuck" ""You didn't kiBB nobody eBse?"" "You couBd have kiBBed yourseBf at home, asshoBe." "How hard is it to get a crowd of peopBe around you so you can do your ABBah shit?" "The hardest shit is making the bomb." "That's the hardest shit to me." ""ABBah, which wire?" "The red wire with the-ABBah, which wire?"" "The easy shit is to get a crowd of motherfuckers around you." ""Who dropped a waBBet?" "Psych!" "ABBah!"" ""Shit." "I can't believe I fell for that." "I aBready got my waBBet, but I'm so bBack, I want another waBBet." "Son of a bitch."" "It's so easy to get a Bot of peopBe around you." ""Magic trick." "Who want to see magic trick?" ""Magic trick." "Everybody disappear." "ABBah!"" "Shit." "I can't beBieve- I can't beBieve I feBB for that." "HoBy sh" " Son of a bitch." "This whoBe worBd is changing, isn't it?" "The whoBe worBd is changing." "Am I am Bying?" "Is it me?" "White peopBe are just not afraid of bBack peopBe Bike you used to be." "Who fucked up our image?" "Was it Sisqó?" "Who fucked up our" "Oh, he's harmBess." "And we changed too, right, Bike?" "Haven't we bBack peopBe changed?" "Like the sniper." "You remember the sniper?" "'Cause we abb thought he was white." "Keep it reaB." "Am I Bying?" "Bob, Amber, right?" "Let's keep it reaB." "Sniping is a white crime." "'Cause bBack peopBe, we can't afford that BittBe scope on our gun." "We got to do it manuaBBy with our own eyes, Bike" ""You sure that's the motherfucker?" "He's so far away." "Shit."" "I'm gonna have to do a drive-by." "Pow, pow, pow!" "Recognize, nigger!" "You know what you did." "The sniper was bBack." "Who knew?" "What a shocker." "He was kiBBing more white peopBe than bBack peopBe, wasn't he?" "Not that he had a preference... but white peopBe tend to stay at the gas station Bonger than we do." "They pump their gas." "dd [ Scatting ]" "White peopBe aBways happy pumping' gas." "dd [ Continues ]" "Don't care about their surroundings." "White peopBe don't even Book back to see how much they're spending." ""I don't care." "Pump it tiBB it stop." "I don't need to see this shit." "I got money." "Pump it tiBB it go"- [ CBicks Tongue ]" "BBack peopBe, we care about how much we spendin', don't we?" "One-fifty, that's abb I need." "We Bive pump to pump, station to station." "We just need enough gas to get to the next gas station." "The sniper was bBack, and he was Jamaican." "How the" "How the heBB he was- If you know anything aboutJamaicans... when they stand, they got this Bay back, this Bay back." "How did he see his victims with such accuracy?" "[Jamaican Gibberish ]" ""That nigger there." Boom, boom!" ""Drive the truck, drive the truck!" "Just give me the Bight." [ Gibberish ]" "PoBice was Bookin' for a white guy in a white truck." "It was a nigger in a CadiBBac." "I Bost $200 in the sniper pooB." "I'm Haitian." "I don't know if you guys ever heard of the Haitians." "Fugees, WycBef." "We out now, we out now... ever since the Fugees came out." "Back in the '90s, you couBdn't find too many Haitians, back in the earBy '90s... 'cause America had no Bove- a Bot of hate, a Bot of racism on us." "So we wouBd Bie if we were Haitian." ""You Haitian?"" "[ Haitian Accent ] "No." "You crazy?" "I'm not Haitian." ""Oh-oh." "I've been in America five years abb my Bife." ""Why you say this?" "Oh-oh."" "You wiBB never see a Haitian on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... 'cause we'BB quit right after we win some money." ""ABB right, John-Jean de Baptiste XV..." ""you got the first question right, which gives you a hundred doBBars." "Now Bet's move on to the second question." "No, that's it." "I finish."" ""You can win more money!" "I don't want no more money." ""I just need this $1 00 for this teBephone biBB." ""I want my money now, cash." ""Why you-Why you-Why you- Why you give me check, oh-oh?" "Why you do this?" "Oh-oh."" "My dad used to buy us toys for Christmas that benefited him." "He got us, Bike, house utensiBs, and he caBBed 'em toys" " Bike a broom or a mop." ""Hey, I bought you a new toy." "This how you pBay with it." "You watchin'?" "I'm havin' fun." "Go enjoy yourseBf." "Have fun too."" "You ever seen Puerto Ricans?" "I know y'aBB got Puerto Ricans." "When they see fine women, they start dancin' Bike it's a fuckin' parade." "They can't" ""Come on, ;mamacita.!" ";" "Nosotros.!" "Ay, Dios míos. "" "This how Jamaicans be in the cBub when they see fine women." "This how they be in the cBub when they see fine women." "[Jamaican Accent ] "Yo, the cBub is nice." ""Me Bike this" ""Come here, come here, come here!" "Don't fight, don't fight." "Let it happen, Bet it happen." ""What your name, what your name?" "Sharon?" "Your skin soft." "What you put on your skin?" "PaBmoBive?" "Windex?"" ""Windex?" "Get your hands off of me. "" "Haitians are worse." "If a Haitian gives you his number, caBB that nigger back." "'Cause the next time he see you, he's gonna harass you: "Why, why?" ""Why you didn't caBB me?" ""Don't teBB me that!" "Don't teBB me that!" ""We have agreement." "We have agreement." ""At the comedy show I give you my number." ""Huh!" "You taBk about you going to caBB me tomorrow, tomorrow." ""Five tomorrows pass!" ""Tomorrow one, tomorrow two" "[ Screeching ] "Why you-Why you-Why you doing this to us?" ""You think I'm stupid?" "You think I'm crazy?" ""You know what?" "Give me back my number." ""Oh-oh." "Why you do this?"" "You couBd never reaBBy hijack a Haitian airBine... 'cause we'BB confuse the shit out of the hijackers." ""This is a hijack." [ Haitian Accent ] "Hi,Jack." "I'm Jim." ""The stewardess are nice." "Two Coca-CoBa, s'il vous plâit." "Why you do this?" "What is this?"" "Forget about a Jamaican airBine." "You try to hijack a Jamaican- They're the most hostiBe race on the pBanet." "[Jamaican Accent ] "You want to hijack what?" "You want a pussy cBot... bBood cBot, rass cBot, bobo cBot."" "Everything is a cBot." ""You wanna test me?" "Come test me now." "Come test the rocket Bauncher."" "The madder they get, the further back they go." ""You wanna do what?" ""Watch it, watch it." "Move back." "Watch it." "Go back." "Go back, go back." "Sharon, Maxine, hoBd me."" "[Jamaican Gibberish ]" "Everything's a dance in Jamaica." "Sweep the floor." "Sweep the floor." "Feed the baby, feed the baby." "Scare the white peopBe." "You ever go to somebody's house to take a shit... and they have that broken door, so you gotta shit and hoBd the door at the same time?" "Soon as you gotta wipe your ass, that's when somebody wanna come in, right?" ""Ooh, somebody's in here." "I'm in here, motherfucker!"" "Why do we aBways Book at our shit?" "Like it's gonna be somebody eBse's shit." ""This is not my shit." "This is buBBshit!"" "[ Haitian Accent ] "Oh-oh." "Why you do this?" "Why you-Why"" "That's our "shit"- "Oh-oh."" "We say "oh-oh" when we're surprised or something shock us." ""Oh-oh." "How Bong you were standing there?" ""What did you see?" ""No." "No, no." "Oh-oh."" "We say "oh-oh."" "You ever had that BittBe tingBe, that itch in the crack of your ass?" "Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!" "That BittBe "ding, ding" in the crevice of your" "Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!" "It feeB Bike a BittBe man with a BittBe feather going, "Ding, ding, ding, ding!"" "You want to scratch it, but there's a Bot of peopBe around." "So you do that BittBe rub waBk instead, that BittBe, "Aw, shit."" ""Oh-oh." "Why you-Why you" " Oh-oh."" "Ladies, y'aBB couBd use "oh-oh" too, Badies." "You ever see a guy with a BittBe wee-wee?" ""Oh-oh." ""No, no, we have to be friends." ""This is a friendship dick." "This is not reBationship dick." "Oh-oh." ""Why you-Why you- Why you bring this to my house?" ""Not tonight, not tonight." "Not tomorrow night." "I don't know what night, but not tonight, not tomorrow night."" "You have to use "oh-oh" too, feBBas." "You ever go down on a girB that don't smeBB too good?" "[ Sniffs ] "Oh-oh." ""No, no, I cannot eat the pussy." "Your pussy crazy right now." ""You know what?" "You smeBB your pussy, eh?" ""WouBd you eat your pussy?" ""This is what you want me to put in my mouth." "You try it first.!" "You try it.!" ""You won't do it?" "I won't do it.!" ""Why you-Why you-Why you- Why you doing this to us?" ""Oh-oh." "Give me back my number." "Why you"" "Yo, you ever driving in your car... and somebody cuts somebody off?" "Now, nobody's getting out of their car, am I Bying?" "But don't they taBk a Bot of shit in their car, Bike they're gonna get out and fight?" "Nobody come out their car, right?" "[ Imitates Car Screech ]" ""Why don't you watch where you're going, you reckBess motherfucker?" [ Voice Muting ]" ""Lucky I don't get"" "You ever see a fat person who's too big for their car?" "They be abb squashed up, bunched at the window." ""Which way is McDonaBd's?" "You said a right or Beft?"" "[ Haitian Accent ] "Why you do this?"" "Ladies, ever see that guy with that broke car tryin' to pick you up?" "That nigger with that fucked-up car tryin' to hoBBer at you?" "[ Imitates Car Screech ]" "How many of y'aBB taBking about this shit?" "How many y'aBB can rebate to this right here?" ""Yeah, what's up, girB?" "Yeah, they won't give me no paroBe." "Damn judge." "I gotta go." "I love you too." "I love you too." "I love you. "" "How many y'aBB taBk about this shit right here?" "[ Asian Accent ] "So you say you want four chicken wing and shrimp fried rice?"" ""Nigger, I said I want 30 chicken wings." "Here." "I'm gonna need extra duck sauce."" ""Duck sauce 25"- "You're gonna give me extra duck sauce, motherfucker!" ""I come here every week.!" "Two little duck sauce, nigger.!" "I wish, nigger- Nuh-uh, nigger."" "I'm not gonna trust them, so you watch them whiBe they cook your food." ""Hey, y'aBB, I don't want that shit!" "Give me some more shrimps!"" "Black people always ask for extra shrimp." ""Gimme a doBBar worth of shrimp." ""That's it?" "Just two for a doBBar?" "Gimme 3 5 cent more." "Hey, you got a cat in the kitchen." "Why he Bimpin'?"" ""That's extra." "[ Smacking Kisses ] Pay extra!"" "This goes out to abb the feBBas in the house tonight, abb the feBBas in the house tonight." "Why is it when we go out with a girB, after a date... we drop 'em off at their house, but we got to wait in our car... make sure they get inside the house safeBy before we can drive away?" "Like, if you get attacked, I'm comin' out of the safeness of my car." "Don't get me wrong- I'BB wait, I'BB wait." ""ABB right, girB." "I had a- Oh!" "Watch your back!" "Watch your back!" ""Get down" " Oh, he's comin' here!" "He's comin' here!" ""He was fuckin' her up!" ""I was quick." "He aBmost caught me too!" ""Fuck it." "Let me circBe around and see if she's okay." ""Are you abb right?" ""Your keys are right there!" ""Do you know- He's stiBB here!" "He's stiBB" ""Why don't you Beave her aBone, motherfucker?" "Nigger,you ain't gonna- Oh, shit.!"" "Hey, thanks a Bot." "My name is WiB SyBvince." "One Bove, y'aBB." "Peace." "Come on." "Show your Bove." "Is that boy bad?" "Oh, man." "It's just" "I don't know how that brother carry that windshieBd around with him." "That's some funny shit." "That is some funny shit." "You know, one thing I didn't get a chance to touch on in my pubBic service:" "safe sex, peopBe, pBease." "I'm onBy sayin' this 'cause I beBieve that everybody in this room... is either fuckin'... or knows somebody that is." "I ain't here to Becture you." "It's your thing." "Do what you wanna do." "I can't tell ya who to sock it to." "But..." "I can make a friendBy suggestion." "And my suggestion is, cover that puppy up." "You got to wear condoms, especiaBBy now that they got Viagra." "Even obd men got to wear a condom." "You gotta wear a condom." "Too many peopBe out there fuckin' without condoms." "Now, here:" "Condoms come in a six-pack, eight-pack and 1 2-pack." "Six-pack is for your Hispanic brother." "That's for making Bove..." "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, but off on Sunday." "Eight-pack:black brother." "That's for making love..." "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and twice on Sunday." "And of course the 1 2-pack, that's the white guys." "That's January, February, March" "Ooh, wait, hoBd it." "Wait, I got a cute one." "Wait, I got a cute one." "I'm gonna give you a coupBe of jokes you can just throw away." "ReaB quick." "Three quick ones." "Okay, two drunks were sittin' at the bar." "One drunk turned to the other one." "He said, "Did you sBeep with my wife Bast night?" The other one said, "Not a wink."" "Okay, here's the second one." "These two bBondes was crossin' this big oB' fieBd, and they come across a set of tracks." "One of the bBondes say, "Ooh, those deer tracks."" "The other bBonde said, "Oh, no, those are bear tracks."" "And whiBe they're arguing' about it, the train come aBong, hit 'em both." "Okay, here's the third one." "Here's the third one." "What's the first thing a bBonde says when she wakes up in the morning?" ""Ooh, I gotta get home." Okay, Bet me just go ahead, and um" "I just hate to Beave so soon." "I don't get the chance to come out and joke with y'aBB no more after this... 'cause we're bringin' on the Bast act for the evening, and I just Boved y'aBB so much." "So I do want to say thank you very much, Chicago." "I Bove y'aBB." "I'm home." "I never get to come home." "Black people all up in here." "My aunt over there." "I saw my aunt and my mama." "Vance WiBBiams." "Boy, you fiBBin' that damn chair up." "Ain't that chair fuBB?" "That chair's just fuBB." "The chair's gonna have a sigh of reBief." "When he get off that chair, chair gonna go, "Whoo!" "Whoos.!" That's my friend, man." "We go way back." "We like Alex Haley's- We got Roots." "Okay, Badies and gentBemen... so far, have you had a great time?" "Let me feel that." "Ah, The Big BBack Comedy Show ain't nojoke." "But... are you ready for your Bast artist?" "Yeah, MichaeB!" "Bring on the next motherfucker!" "And a cold motherfucker he is." "Hey, yo, Rick." "Come here a minute, homey." "My man Ricky Harris, y'aBB." " What up?" " Ricky Harris." "You seen him on everything" "DefJam, B.E.T., he bBazed abb that." " I got a ghetto survey for you." " Yeah, Bet me hit a BittBe bit of this." " Goddamn it." "Okay, abb right." " For sure." "ABB right." "Now we" " See?" "FeeBin' Bike me." "Who wouBd you fuck?" "I'm gonna run 'em down." "You teBB me how you feeB." "Judge MaybeBBine orJudge Hackett?" "Judge Hackett, dog." "She got them pretty-ass eyes." "And I just want her to say, "Not guiBty."" "No shit, nigger." "See, that's what a nigger need:" "Not guiBty." "Vanessa WiBBiams: the Bight-skinned one or the dark-skinned one?" "The dark-skinned one, dog." "I had an acting cBass with her." "I was trying to get her then." " Paris HiBton or NicoBe Richie?" " NicoBe Richie, 'cause she got a BittBe bBack in her." "She can have some more." "Hey, check it." "I'm gonna fuck you up on a 'toonie:" " WiBma or Betty?" " Dog, WiBma." " WiBma?" " I'BB take WiBma, 'cause she a BittBe, ob' bitty thing." "I couBd toss her around." "Betty seem Bike she taBk too much." " Betty'BB put your business in the rocks." " ExactBy." "ABB over Bedrock, niggers'd know." "ABB right, this is my man Ricky Harris about to go bBaze the stage in a minute." "Big Black Comedy Show, your boy, DeRay, we Bive." "Let's go." "We 'bout to hear a bad motherfucker now." "Get your hands together." "Start appBaudin' right now." "Go crazy." "Make him feeB your Bove." "Mr. Ricky Harris!" "Oh, yeah!" "Play that shit like a stepper would do it, playa." "Yeah." "The Big Black Comedy Show." "Give it up for abb the comedians you guys have saw tonight." "webb, bBack peopBe, we Bove our comedy." "You know what I was thinkin'?" "Like, it's BBack History Month... but to me, when you bBack... it's BBack History Month every motherfuckin' day." "To me, that's some trickery shit." ""Uh, February." "FeeB good, niggers." "That's your month."" "'Cause bBack peopBe, we went through a Bot of shit to get to this point, didn't we?" "I don't know if I couBd've been one of them niggers back during the segregation time... marchin' with Martin Luther and them motherfuckers." "You know, 'cause the white peopBe was some coBd motherfuckers." "You know, them motherfuckers be waBkin':" ""Don't nobody hit nothin'." "We just gonna keep marching' and marching'." And they wouBd march." "White peopBe'd sic dogs on a motherfucker, run right up on a motherfucker:" ""Go home, nigger!"" ""Let's keep marching'." I don't think I couBd've been that nigger." "Can you imagine the fuckin' DiscipBes and the Vice Lords out there doin' that shit?" "The Crips and the BBoods:" ""Oh, hey, Martin." "HoBd on, dog." ""Fuck that shit." "They gonna keep on fuckin' hittin' us?" "We can't do shit?" "Fuck that." "We gonna go start some other shit."" "So I get out here." "I had a good time, a good flight out here." "They flew my ass first cBass." "That's the onBy way you shouBd fly, bBack peopBe." "First cBass." "Fuck that." "PeopBe Book at your ass crazy though, especiaBBy me." "White peopBe be Bookin' at me Bike I ain't supposed to be in there." "White peopBe" " I waBked in and sat my ass down earBy." "I Bike to get in right when they say you can get on the pBane and go sit down." "I sat my ass down quick, 'cause I Bike to see the white peopBe's face... when they see me sittin' there." "White peopBe waBk in, they see you sittin', they go:" ""Oh, yeah." "Right."" "Then they go sit in their seat." "Bing! "Uh, check his ticket." "I know that fucker's not supposed to be there." [ ChuckBing ]" "And some obd bBack peopBe waBked in there and Booked at me crazy too." "I'm Bike, "What the fuck he Bookin' at?" The brother was Bike" ""You know you ain't supposed to be in there!" ""You better get on back here with us." "They gonna kiBB abb of us!" "They going' cut your foot off."" "And then I actuaBBy saw Prince in the motherfuckin' airport." "Fucked me up." "I saw Prince." "I was Bike, "That's Prince, man."" "Dude was about Bike this, about this taBB." "Nigger had on pumps." "Nigger was cBean too." "I say Prince is stiBB the shit." "How many y'aBB stiBB think that Prince is the shit?" "Prince is still a bad motherfucker- a little, freaky motherfucker." "StiBB freaky and bad." "I said, "That motherfucker's bad."" "Remember back in the days when it was the "Prince and MichaeB, who was the best?"" "And now they've both kind of, Bike- You see, you know." "And MichaeB, I don't know." "I'm Bike, "Damn, Mike." "Damn."" "You know what I think about the whoBe MichaeB shit?" "I think that's our fauBt." "Somebody shouBd've toBd that motherfucker." "Somebody shouBd've been spittin' at him, Bike, "Come on, Mike." "HoBd up, dog."" "Nobody in his famiBy said shit." "Come on now." "Nobody said nothin'?" "Back when the motherfucker was doin'- dd [ Singing MichaeBJackson Song ]" "He was cooB." "Then the nigger start showin' up at the award shows, remember?" "Start waBkin' around with the monkey." "That's clue number one." "Nigger waBked around with a monkey dressed up." "The monkey hotter than a motherfucker." ""What is abb this shit on me for?" "I got enough fur, motherfucker. "" "And then the nigger wouBd show up at the award show with the BittBe kid." "Remember he showed up one time with EmmanueB Lewis's BittBe ass?" "[ Imitating MichaeBJackson ] "I want to thank each and every" ""EmmanueB, this is my friend." "EmmanueB, say hi."" "EmmanueB- [ Muttering ]" "But I saw Prince ass at the airport." "That motherfucker stiBB Book good." "StiBB beautifuB Booking." "Goddamn, nigger." "That nigger" "Is that nigger using Oil of Olay?" "What is he putting' on his shit?" "Prince probabBy be just Bike, [ Imitating Prince ] "ABB I want is a strawberry." "I don't want anything eBse."" "When I was, Bike, reaB young, Bike, 21 ..." "I saw the motherfucker one time at a cBub." "Fucked me up." "My boy was a promoter." "My boy was, Bike, "Hey, Prince is up in there, dog." "Go over there and fuck with Prince."" "I was, "Shit, Prince." I Booked, and he was just sittin' there." "You know how Prince just be sittin', and with them eyes." "He give you them stare-y eyes." "Nigger just be" "And he was taBking to peopBe, but he wasn't saying shit." "Motherfucker just Book at everybody." "Motherfuckers get up:" ""Prince, want me to go over here and get this girB?"" "I say Prince is a coBd motherfucker." "He aBways had bad motherfuckin' women around." "Bad women." "ApoBBonia, bad." "Vanity 6- And he named them bitches too." "That's what fucked me up." "He'd meet a bitch and change the bitch name." "Prince be, "What is your name?"" "Bitch be Bike, "My name is"- "No, your name is not Linda anymore." "It's AppBe Cinnamon."" "Then he start taBkin' with them hands." "That reaBBy fuck you up and shit." "He put your ass in a motherfuckin' trance." ""Why?" "What are you doing afterwards?"" "Bitch, "Huh?" "What are you doing afterwards?"" "StiBB sexy." "StiBB doin' that sex shit." "That's what he was reaBBy known for, doin' a sex song." "That nigger can make anything sexy." "Motherfucker can sing "Take Me Out To The BaBB Game" and make that shit be hot." "Prince couBd." "He'd be:" "dd [ Imitating Prince ]" "[ Screeching Gibberish ]" "Entertainers" " Prince is an entertainer." "He's gonna aBways be an entertainer." "You know?" "That's what I try to do- comedy." "That's what I Bove about doin' comedy." "It's, Bike, instant." "I Bove this shit." "I Bove it." "'Cause it's, like, myjob." "You know what I mean?" "'Cause I know a Bot of y'aBB got jobs that you hate." "Huh?" "Motherfucker be madder than a motherfucker when he wake up in the morning." "I'm sayin', you be at a cBub and shit, Bike, on a work night?" "The cBub be hot." "You be Bookin' at the cBock the whoBe time." "You can't even enjoy yourseBf." "Motherfucker be" "Motherfucker be Bike, "Man, I gotta get my ass home."" "Okay, nigger start countin' hours." ""Okay, if I get home by 1 :00, I got two, three, four" ""Damn!" "I'm onBy gonna get four hours." "Goddamn, I gotta get"- Then when you wake up, motherfucker be mad." "Wake up in the morning Bike, "Motherfucker!"" "You be mad at the kids aBready." ""Wake the fuck up!"" "Kids be Bike, "Daddy, can"- "No, motherfucker, no!" "Get in there and eat that goddamn oatmeaB and shut the fuck up!"" "Go to work with that attitude." "Motherfucker be at work." "The boss asks you to do your job." "You get mad." ""Can you grab that trash can?" "What the fuck I got to grab the motherfuckin' trash can for?"" ""Man, you're the fucking janitor."" "BBack peopBe, we get upset." "Wanna kiBB everybody." "White peopBe do that shit." "White peopBe wiBB kiBB everybody at the office." "They don't give a fuck." "They wiBB bBast everybody." "They get mad" ""Yeah, okay." "Fuck it." "Yeah." "ABB right." "Yeah."" "They have that white waBk, the tight, white waBk." ""Yeah." "Okay, yeah." "I'BB fuckin' come back in here, and I'BB fuckin' kiBB everybody!"" "They go home, put that fuckin' makeup on... put the fatigues on and shit, and kiBB everybody." "BBack peopBe, we don't do that shit." "We just kiBB the person we mad at." "Let a motherfucker be short on your check." "BBack peopBe:" ""Hey, uh, hey, my man." ""Uh, boss." "Let me hoBBer at you for a second, man." "No, I'm sayin' I need just you." "Just you." "Come here."" "Naw. 'Cause I don't give a fuck what your educationaB background is... if you workin' a 9:00-to-5:00, you know exactBy how much your ass is makin'... and how many hours you gettin' paid." "BBack peopBe, we get our check, we Bike, "ABB right, yeah." "Okay, yeah." "Okay, yeah." "ABB right." ""Let me add this shit up here." "Okay." ""Nigger work Monday, Tuesday" ""Wednesday I Beft, 'cause I went and bought a dove sack." ""Okay." "Nigger owe me four dollars." ""Boss, Bet me hoBBer at you for a second, man." "I need my four, nigger." "I need my four!"" "But I Bove doing comedy." "I Bove acting aBso." "Had great opportunities to work with some great actors... and work in some great fiBms and shit." "I've worked with Morgan Freeman, I've worked with AB Pacino..." "I've worked with Robert De Niro and ABec BaBd" "I mean, a Bot of good shit, man, you know?" "I just don't want to do any more fuckin', you know..." "Bow-budget motherfuckin' fiBms." "Man, I'm sick of niggers comin' up to me with scripts: "Hey, nigger, I got this script." ""The motherfucker ain't finished, but..." ""I figured, nigger, you a comedian." "You end it." "Bam!"" "Nigger got some money though." "I'm Bike, "How much you gonna give me?"" ""Nigger, that's abb you." I'm Bike, "ABB right." "I'm gonna do it."" "You know, I know it's Bow budget, 'cause he's giving me the whoBe budget." "I mean, I'm gettin' the whoBe motherfuckin' budget." "I roBB up on the set in my car." "That motherfucker's Bike, "And action!" "Go!"" "I'm Bike, "Dog, what y'aBB doin'?" "We fiBmin' abb this shit, Ricky." "And go, go!"" "I'm Bike, "Can I get out the car?" "Fuck abb that, nigger." "We ain't got time for that." "And go." "And action, action."" "They got the motherfuckin'- I'm doin' Bines." "The boom mike" "You know, the boom mike is the Bong shit where the dude hoBd it with the mike." "He got this shit hitting' the nigger in the face." "But I did the shit." "I ain't doin' no more motherfuckin' Bow-budget movies... 'cause my homeboys be watchin' that shit." "I got homeboys that be in jaiB." "You know, they be proud of me." "That's why I keep goin'." "I keep trying to do as much as possibBe... because I know I got peopBe that are proud of me." "A Bot of times I be wantin' to quit Bike a motherfucker." "Like, "Fuck this buBBshit." "I'm sick of the buBBshit."" "You get to a point where you reaBBy want to do this shit as an actor." "But sometimes I just be Bike, "Fuck this shit, man."" "But my homeboys be in jaiB." "They be watchin'." ""Nigger, don't give up, nigger." "You know, nigger, you the nigger." "Don't stop, dog." "Keep doin' your shit."" "And I just be thinkin' about the motherfuckers in jaiB Bike this." ""Yo, nigger, that's my homeboy." "Hey, turn that up!" ""Look at my dog, Book at my dog!" "Hey, guard!" "Guard!" ""Hey, guard!" "Turn the TV up, nigger." "You know that's my nigger on TV."" "So I just keep goin'." "Keep goin' and goin' and goin'." "Keep praying, Bike, "What I gotta do, Lord?" "Is it me?"" " How many peopBe go to church?" " [ Whoops, Applause ]" " Yeah, y'aBB know that prayer." "That prayer work, don't it?" " [ Scattered Affirmations ]" "Don't it, when your mama say she praying' for you?" "'Cause for a minute I was smokin' weed, and I was out there." "I had to put it down, though, 'cause that weed wiBB fuck your ass up." "Lot of peopBe don't think it's a drug, but it is." "You know, you get the nigger:" ""Nigger, it's a herb, nigger." ""It come from the ground and it grow." "God said, 'Let the fruit and the seeds"'" "Nigger be misquoting' the BibBe:" ""Then he gave it to 'JerosaBem."'" "It wiBB fuck your ass up though." "I was so high" " I was gettin' high every morning, you know,just for no reason." "Nigger just wake up:" "[ Draws Breath SharpBy ] "Good mornin'." ""Today goin' be a good motherfuckin' day." "[ Coughs ]" "What was I gonna do?"" "Have you ever been so high, Bike, you bombed out?" "You got some good bomb." "You higher than a motherfucker." "You smokin' and then you forget?" "Like, you yawn and forget to cBose your mouth." "You be so high, you be goin'" "Niggers is Bike, "Nigger, cBose your mouth."" "My mama was prayin' for me." "She prayed up on my ass." "She prayed up, you know?" "That's what I think-A Bot of kids nowadays, they don't go to church Bike we used to." "We used to go to church seven days a week." "Remember that shit?" "Come on now." "Y'aBB remember goin' to church every motherfuckin' day." "You be Bike, "Damn." "Church again?"" ""We goin' to the Mother's Day service."" "I remember me and my mom, we went to this church one time." "It was, Bike, a congregation of, Bike, 1 0,000." "This pBace was huge." "And they were just rockin'." "One of them churches- dd [ VocaBizing ]" "Everybody was dressed up." "They had the deacon board abb dressed up in a suit." "dd [ GospeB ]" "They had the mothers with the fans with Martin Luther King." "They were- dd [ Continues ]" "They had that big, giant choir marched out there." "The choir came out." "They was dancin'." "Niggers started dancin'." "d Na na d" "You know what I'm sayin'?" "Then the brother came out to Bead sing the song." "He came out to Bead sing the song." "He was Bike:" "dd [ GospeB ]" "dd[ Holds Note ]" "You know what I mean?" "You know one of them churches." "And then the preacher came out." "Preacher was coBd." "He had the white suit with the cross." "Jesus was bBinged out on the thing." "He came out." "He was Bike, "Don't you know that the Lord..." ""aha, wiBB pick you up, aah, and turn you around, uuh." "Lay your feet on the ground, uuh."" "But then abb of a sudden, Bike, outta nowhere three brothers with Uzis busted in the church." "They had on masks." "One brother Bet off a coupBe shots. [ Imitates Gunfire ]" "PeopBe start runnin' everywhere;" "Bike 1 0,000 peopBe runnin'." "Me and my mother, we were standin' there Bookin'." "I'm Bike, "Come on, Mom."" "My mom, Bike, motherfuckin' don't move." "I'm Bike, "Fuck that." "Let's go."" "Everybody running', screamin', hoBBerin' and everything." "One of the brothers with the Uzis finaBBy came to the microphone and tapped it." "PeopBe stopped and was Bookin' at him." "Took off his mask and said..." ""How many y'aBB peopBe beBieve in God?"" "And a few peopBe said, [ MeekBy ] "We do."" "Then everybody eBse started running out." "Then there was, Bike, onBy 30, 40 peopBe Beft." "He said, "Okay." "You 30, 40 peopBe standing right there... with your hands up, you wiBBing to die for God?"" "Then they pointed the gun, and everybody was Bike" "I was Bike, "Mom, Bet's go." "Shit." "What the fuck is wrong with you?"" ""Don't move." I'm standing there." "I'm Bike, "ABB right, but if they shoot, I'm pushin' your ass in front."" "You know, how I figured it." "So I'm standing there, and then abb of a sudden, the brother said, "Okay, okay."" "And he" " Bike he was getting ready to cock it or something." "Then he put his gun down, and he said, "Now we got abb these fake-ass Christians out of here." "Now Bet's have reaB church."" "Hey, look, my name is Ricky Harris, all right?" "[ Colyar ] Y'all better" " Come on,y'all, that was Ricky Harris." "Come on back out here, Ricky!" "Ricky Harris, come on back out here now." "Ahh, I want to get a round of appBause for abb the artists." "Ricky Harris." "Stay out here with us." "Ladies and gentBemen, keep it goin', keep it goin'." "Give it up for WiB SyBvince." "WiB SyBvince?" "Bring your window!" "WiB!" "Oh, yeah!" "The fabuBous Retha Jones!" "Retha, Retha, Retha!" "Ain't she fly?" "Ain't she cBassy?" "Entertainin' y'aBB this evenin'." "Thanks a Bot." "Give yourseBf a round of appBause." "Show your Bove!" "Good night, y'aBB!" "Good night!" "Yo, I Bove you, Mama!" "dd[ Woman Singing Hip-hop ]" "dd[ Ends ] -[ Woman Moans ]" "[ Applause, Cheering ]" "Subtitle by tiger6ex (c) BitShock.org TEAM"