"Right... ironmonger." " Hmm." "How many letters ?" " Um... ten." " What does it begin with ?" " Well..."l"." " Well, write it down, then." " Ironmonger begins with I. That's the clue." "So put it down !" "Well, there's only room for six letters." " You'll have to spell it wrong." " All right." "V..." "Z..." " So what have you got ?" " Vzbxks." "Good." "Good start." "How does that help us with two down ?" "Er... all right, two down." "Um... fish, four letters, now begins with..." "X." " X ?" " Xylophone." "Xylophone fish." "No, it would sink, wouldn't it ?" " I'm not sure that "vzbxks" is right." " Mmm !" "Hey, why don't we think of another word that means ironmonger but only has six letters ?" " That'd be cheating, wouldn't it ?" " Who's to know ?" "You're right, my old pal !" " We get through a few scrapes, don't we ?" " Yeah !" " So where are we ?" " Er... right." "Ironmonger, six letters." "Oh, got it !" "Harold !" "Har... ?" "!" " Harold ?" " Yeah, he's an ironmonger, isn't he ?" "Harold the ironmonger." "Remember !" "We ate his dog !" "Oh, right !" "Yeah !" "We bloody won that bet, didn't we ?" " We didn't." "That's why we had to eat his dog." " Oh, yeah, right." "OK." "Well, Harold it is." "No, hang on, hang on." "Harold only has five letters." "Well, I could make the "Huh" really big so it filled out the first two squares." " Are there any words dangling off them ?" " No." "The only one we've got so far is "vzbxks"." " All right !" "Bang it in, buster !" " Right, then." ""Huh"..."Ah"..." " There's no room for the D." " For heaven's sake !" "Who prints these things ?" "What is the point of having a clue if it doesn't fit the holes ?" "I think I'll just put "bollocks"." "No, no." "No, come on, Eddie, let's do it properly or not at all." "All right, then, not at all !" "God, I hate crosswords !" "We can't go on like this !" " Why did they take the telly away ?" "!" " You know why they took the telly away." " No, I don't." " Yes, you do, Edward Hitler." "They took it away because, while wending your way to the telly shop with the rent, you ran into a rather strange and wizened old man who sold you five magic beans," "which, coincidentally, cost exactly the £86.23 we owed in back rent to Rumbelows." " They are magic beans, you know." " Oh, yes, and here is the magic beanstalk !" "I'm glad I've got a head for heights, 'cause it's a whopper, isn't it ?" "We'll need oxygen masks before we get to the top, Sir Edmund" "It wasn't ME who let us get behind with the rent." "How did we get £86.23 behind in the first place ?" "Er... all right, let's change the subject." "It's irrelevant." "In fact, I forgive you." "It wasn't ME who bypassed Rumbelows every week for the last three months, saved up the £86.23 and took it five doors along to Dr O'Grady's Personal Organ Enhancement Clinic... was it ?" "!" " Er... cup of tea, Eddie, or some money ?" " We have no money !" "That's the problem !" " I know, let's have a no-talking competition !" " "For a mere £85..."" " Oh, God !" " "For a mere £85..." ""...you can have your personal organ enhanced" ""so it is comparable in size to that of a fully-grown mountain gorilla !"" "When he said comparable, he meant an awful lot smaller than." " You mean it didn't work" " Yes." "He did enhance it temporarily." ""Revolutionary enlargement technique" !" "He stuck me in a cubicle with a copy of "Razzle" !" "85 quid !" "I could've been watching "Emmerdale Farm" now !" "Yeah, then you could've got one for free !" "All right, we're both to blame." "Why don't we stop talking about it and sit down nicely and watch..." "Oh, bugger !" "Oh, come on, Eddie, there must be more to life than telly." "You're right, there isn't !" "This is unbearable." "We could be missing a "Watchdog" special on faulty bikinis." "Oh, don't." "Right, come on, Eddie, we should try and be positive about the lack of telly." "We should treat this as an educational, spiritual and cultural plus." "So... tiddlywinks ?" " No, no, we ended up in hospital last time." " True." "Ohh, what a sad and tragic waste of a young, attractive life." "Hey, that's it !" "What about Pin the Tail on the Donkey ?" " We haven't got a donkey." " Well, Pin the Tail on the Chicken !" " No tail." " Pin the Sausage on the Chicken !" " We haven't got a chicken." " Pin the Sausage on the Fridge." " Or a pin." " Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge !" " We haven't got a sausage !" " Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge !" " It's not much of a game, is it ?" " You have to do it blindfold !" " But we haven't even got a blindfold !" " We'll have to improvise !" " OK ?" "!" " All right." " Give me sellotape to stick on the fridge." " Look out, it's the last bit." "Better be careful." " Is that it, then ?" " Yeah." " Who won ?" " It matters not." "Only how you play the game." "Oh, you mean I won." "Yes, I suppose so." "I mean, if it's so important to you, you did win." "Eddie, it's only a game." "Shit, shit, shit !" "VD, VD, VD !" "Why do I bloody lose everything always ?" "!" "So... you think you're good at games, do you, big boy ?" "Well, what about a REAL game ?" "The game of champions !" "The clash of the great big minds !" "The battle of the titans !" "You mean a see-how-much-custard-you-can- hold-in-your-underpants competition !" "Ye..." "No !" "Although that's a bloody good idea !" "We'll do that later if my idea doesn't work out, but this time let's let the custard cool down." " And that handstand rule is a disaster." " Apart from that, bloody good game." "Absolutely." "Mind you, you always have an advantage because your underpants are so stupendously huge !" "Too right, matey !" "OK, may the best man win !" "So it's agreed ?" "I'm the winner !" "Yeah, all right." "I told you not to sit down !" "Right, so you won the Stick the Sellotape on the Fridge competition and I won the custardy-pants tournament - that makes it... er... ooh, one-all." "Right, time for a tie-breaker." "It's 10 o'clock now." "Probably missing a "Late Show" special on lesbian art." " How do you feel about trying your luck ?" " No, I'm not going out now." "Even if I did score, my underpants are all custardy." "No, I mean what about a game of chess ?" "Chess ?" "We haven't got a chess set, have we ?" "Of course we have, you silly billy !" "There's my antique chess set that Auntie Dorothy left me." "I've got it under lock and key in my strong box because it's so valuable." "Well, don't look !" "I'm getting my key from the secret place." "Behind the radio." "What's the key doing embedded in this cake of soap ?" "That's a bit dangerous, isn't it ?" "Someone could take a copy of it from that." "I must speak to the cleaning lady." " We haven't got a cleaning lady !" " Then, I must get one and speak to her !" "Here we are." "This chess set was at Waterloo." "Wellington played on it before the big fight." "The men are carved from antique ivory." "They're worth 75 quid each, according to Aunt Dorothy." "Eddie, where have all the pieces gone ?" "!" "Ah-ah-ahem !" "Pardon ?" " This is ridiculous !" "There's only five pieces left !" " Are you sure Wellington put them all back ?" "Of course he did." "He wasn't a stupid man." "He invented the Chelsea boot." "Never mind, I'm sure we'll manage somehow." "I mean... we ARE British, after all !" "Yes... that's right." "That's the spirit." "I'd like to see some Spic play with five pieces !" " What colour do you wanna be ?" "Black or white ?" " White." "Right, you win." "There are no black pieces left." " That was fun." "What shall we do now ?" " Let's play with a full deck." " We've only got five pieces." " We can use other things." " Great idea !" " We need 16 prawns." "We've got a bag in the freezer four years past their sell-by date." "Oh, chess !" "God, I adore chess !" "I should've been a chess champion." "If I'd spent my life learning how to play chess, I could've been the chess champion." "I look a bit Slavic, don't you think ?" " What's this cress doing in the fridge ?" " It's a yoghurt you started during the Gulf War." " You could've told me !" "Might as well finish it." " Oh, yeah, chess !" "Oh, God, if only I had a smoking jacket !" "Hang on !" "Doesn't taste like banana and peach." " Da-daaa !" "What do you think, Eddie ?" " You've got your raincoat on inside out." " Are you off ?" "I thought we were playing chess." " It's a smoking jacket." "Sophisticates wear them." " Why have YOU got one on ?" "You don't smoke." " And nor does my jacket !" "God, I feel just like Noël Wilde today !" "Right, here we go, then." "Now, that can be the king." " It has to be, doesn't it ?" "It's brown sauce !" " Cigarette, my dear ?" "I don't mind if I do." "Have a biro to smoke it through." "Ta very much." "Your new play was great !" "There's only one thing better than having a great play and that's having two !" "That doesn't make any sense, Oscar !" "None of my stuff does !" "Nice bit of biro, by the way." "Ta very much." "Nice." "Right, then, all set." "A little unconventional but most of it's fresh." "Oh, Eddie, this is so sophisticated !" "I feel just like Lord Byron." "And Earl thingy with the flappy stuff around his chin." "Really ?" "'Cause you look like a stupid git with his raincoat on inside out." "This is fantastic !" "Chess is the best idea we ever had and it was one of mine !" "Right, this has gotta be perfect !" "It's just two guys, no chicks." "Man to man." "Cultured, urbane, civilised male stuff." "And I'm not being funny." "Right, what do we need ?" "Twiglets !" "High society stuff - dishes of nosey-picks scattered around." " Olives !" " You're catching on !" "Great idea !" " We haven't got any olives." "What about prunes ?" " They look like olives and make you regular !" " Tin of prunes coming right up, Mr Byron." " Cocktails !" "What would James Bond have ?" "He'd have a load of birds round his gaff and a corset on so no one'd guess he was 60." "Vodka Martini - shaken about the place but not spilt !" " How do you make a Vodka Martini ?" " It's gotta have some vodka in it." "What about vodka and... um..." "Martini ?" "Or is that being too stupid ?" " We haven't got any vodka or Martini." " What have we got ?" " A drop of Pernod and half a bottle of ouzo." " That'll do nicely." " And put a bit of salt around the rim." " I beg your pardon ?" "I know what I'm talking about." "Everybody in Hollywood does it." "I'll just put a bit of salt around the edge of the glass." "Ah, perfect !" "Ha-ha-ha-hah !" "Watching your tellies, are you ?" "Addling your brains ?" "We're having an evening of culture and chess while you're vegetating in front of "Emmerdale", you poor, sad peasants !" "What's happened ?" "Has Matt sorted out that problem with Amos in t'top field ?" "Pardon ?" "No, I have not !" "It's a smoking jacket !" "You ignorant git !" "It's a shame we have to live in this area, it really is !" "Have we got any glacé cherries ?" " No, I don't think we have." " Bung marmalade in." "No one'll know." "Let's have a little taste." "Here you go !" "The best of luck to you, and I mean that sincerely !" "Right !" "Cheers !" "Oh, no, before you start drinking, as this is a special occasion..." "Should we dim the lights ?" "We haven't got a dimmer." "Shall I get my hammer ?" "No." "We'll just narrow our eyes a bit." "Right..." " Where are you ?" " I think I'm over here." "As this is a special occasion and we've invented a new cocktail " "Pernod, ouzo, marmalade and salt - we should think of a special name for it." "What about the... the Bloody..." "Awful ?" " Oh, come on, Eddie, take it seriously." " Got it !" "The Esther Rantzen !" " Why ?" " It pulls your gums back over your teeth !" "All right, then... the Esther Rantzen it is !" "Cheers !" "And on tonight's programme, an interesting misprint that says "penis"." "I see what you mean, yeah !" "Phwoar !" "It's lacking something, isn't it ?" "Have we got any umbrellas ?" "Coming right up !" "Here we go." "Ah, this is the life, Eddie." "Sophisticated living, gentlemen's rooms." "Yes, here we are underneath our umbrellas drinking ouzo and salt, each behind his line of frozen prawns." " That's what I love about you !" " What ?" "You're completely insane !" "Oh, gosh, I feel great !" "'Course, you know why I never got married, don't you ?" " Yep." " Yeah, tragic, isn't it ?" " No." "Right, shall we get started ?" " Right..." "Oh, no !" "Wait !" "I know what we need !" "Music !" "Of course !" "What shall we have ?" "Ohhh, James Last, Burt Back-a-ratch." "Molière !" "Molière !" "He could bash out a tune or two !" "Tum tum tiddly tum tum tum tum tum..." "And the other twiddly bits." " He was Scottish, you know." " Who ?" "Vivaldi ?" "I'm talking about composers !" "It's football, football, football with you !" " Remember that night those girls turned up ?" " No." "Yeah, shame." "Mind you, they bloody nearly did." "Your mistake was turning out the stair lights and shouting, "Grab this, it's the banisters !"" "Worth a try, Eddie, worth a try !" "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !" "Great days !" " No, they weren't." " No, but you have to say that." " Come on !" "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !" "Great days !" " Rrrr." "Great days." " Yes, they were !" "Come on, let's go out !" " I thought we were playing chess." "Wonderful chess !" "Did I tell you about that time Uncle Roderick drowned in the Ungugu River ?" " No !" " Good, it's rather embarrassing." "Let's get on !" "Oh, I feel great !" "Let's dance !" " Sit down !" "You're getting over-excited !" " Yes, of course." "Sit down." "Good idea." "OK, this is it." "Everything's ready !" "Are you ready, Eddie ?" " Yep." " Right, all set." " Oh, one more thing." " What ?" " How do you actually play chess ?" " You don't know how to play chess ?" "Well... no." "I know how to ride a bike, so I'll pick it up pretty quick." "Just tell me which pieces are mine, which way round the board we go." "Do we get any money ?" "Let's go through the rules one more time, then we can start properly." " How does the racehorse move again ?" " It's not a racehorse, it's a knight !" " Where's the knight, then ?" " Well, he must have fallen off." " Not much of a knight, is he ?" " Just put it back." "All right, all right." " And that one's called a rook ?" " Yes !" "Why ?" "Does it nest in trees" " No, it's a castle !" " But it's called a rook ?" " Yes, some people call it a rook." " Which people ?" "Blind ones ?" " Yes." " Oh, I see, I see." "Right." " But the castle can move, you say ?" " That's right." " Even though it hasn't got any legs ?" " Yes." "It's not very likely, is it, Eddie ?" "And this is also a bishop, you say ?" " Yes." " And he bends sideways ?" " Correct." " Well, there's no surprise there !" "I wonder what the church is coming to !" "Let me get this sorted out." "The bent vicar stands next to the queen..." "and the queen goes in every direction." "That's right." "And they let children play this, you say ?" "It's pretty strong stuff, isn't it, Eddie ?" "Knights taking prawns and then, if a prawn goes all the way, he turns into a queen !" " Shut up, Richie, and play the game !" " OK, OK, let's go !" "Hey, I know !" "Let's pretend I'm James Bond and you're a baddy" " Q or whoever - and if I lose I have to die !" " Fair enough." " Yeah, great !" "We should have loads of birds around - all like Ursula Andress !" "Everyone's in bikinis !" " Shall I get some of my magazines out ?" " Richie !" "I've been here since 10 last night." "It's now 5 o'clock in the morning !" "We've finished off the Pernod, the ouzo, the Old Spice, even the industrial strength floor cleaner - three litres of it !" "I've explained the rules of chess to you 124 times !" "I'm buggered if I'll let you delay the game again while you scan "Amateur Photographer" !" "OK ?" "!" "Right !" "King's prawn to king's prawn 4." " Why do you have to do that ?" " Shut up !" "It's your move !" "My move." "OK." "Yes... yes." "Am I black or white ?" "You're black !" "You're those ones there !" "The ones next to YOU !" " Now, make your move !" " All right, don't hustle me !" "I know your tactics." "What would Napoleon do ?" "Lose the Battle of Waterloo." "That's no good to me." "Only one thing for it !" "Attack, attack, attack !" "Over the top, lads !" "CHARGE !" "Ahhhhhhh !" "I'm hit !" "No, leave me here !" "Oh, my arms and legs have come off !" "Ohhhhh, the blood !" "Oh, the horror !" "I'm getting out of here !" "Da-da da-da daa da-da-da da-da !" "Shoot that prawn !" "Pow ! "Ahhhhhhh !"" "Everybody follow me !" "Da-da-da !" "I'm a bishop !" "I have to go sideways !" "Da-da-da !" "Ahhhhh !" "Rat-a-tat-a-tat !" "Hooray !" "It's the queen's own ketchup !" "Pow, pow, pow !" " That's your move, is it ?" " Yep." "Get out of that one, Rommel !" "Checkmate !" "No !" "Ahhhhhhhh !" "You know, it's funny." "They say television encourages violence." "I'm smashing his face in and we haven't got one !" "That's where he's wrong, listeners." "We DO have a telly and here it is." " Where did that come from ?" " It was behind the fridge." "I hid it when Rumbelows came round." "Why didn't you tell me ?" "I could've been watching television !" "I thought it'd be interesting to spend an evening without it." "We could chat a bit more." "It's good for our relationship to get a bit of interaction going." "Well... if it's interaction you want cop a load of this, matey !"