"Hey, gary." "Oh!" "Great." "I caught you in the middle of arts and crafts." "I was afraid I'd interrupt you" "During snack or nap time." "I'm making headphones for my ears." "The dwp is tearing up the street." "You know, there's actually something more annoying" "Than the sound of your voice." "Oh." "Oh, that's very funny, gary." "But, you know, I'm the one who" "Which is why I faked it 9 out of 10 times." "It's true." "I didn't know there was going to be construction going on." "How am I supposed to get my homework done with all this noise?" "I agree." "That's why I didn't bring mine home." "Well, they're all yours, gary." "Oh, and your son tom is grounded." "Oh, my gosh." "Is this about the fireworks?" "Hey, no-- what?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "He said a bad word." "Tommy, what did I tell you about swearing?" "I know." "Check for parents, teachers, preachers, and cops." "Learn it." "Know it." "You gotta live it, man." "All right, hey, what word did he say?" "Was it the same word I said on our first date" "When you asked, "what should we do next?"" "Yes." "Yes." "Gary, it was the same word that my dad said under his breath" "When you said, "I do."" "I'll make sure he stays in, ok?" "Thank you." "Oh, oh, gary, and you'll be proud to know" "That louise was invited to jenny stevens' roller-skating party" "This weekend." "Yes!" "Louise!" "Finally!" "Yeah!" "You're one of the popular girls." "That's great." "Gary, gary, you didn't let me finish." "Louise declined the invitation." "She doesn't have to conform to the popular crowd." "I have raised an independent young lady" "Who thinks and acts for herself." "Mwah." "Heh." "Ok." "Yeah." "I think you mean "we" have raised." ""our" daughter is independent." "Right?" "You're right, gary." "I mean, it was you" "Who forgot to pick up louise at the library" "When she was 8 years old, which taught her" "All the ins and outs of city transit." "Bye, mom!" "I'm going to that party, dad." "You just said you were not gonna go." "No." "Mom just said I wasn't." "She does that to you, too?" "!" "I want to go, but I can't tell mom." "She's so proud I'm not the kind of kid who succumbs to peer pressure." "But just this once, I want to succumb." "Can we just not tell her?" "I don't know what "succumb" means, so you're probably ok on that." "But as far as not telling your mother, we made an agreement" "When we got divorced that we would tell each other everything all the time." "I'm sorry, louise." "Oh, please, daddy." "This is finally a chance for me to fit in." "Mom just doesn't understand." "Can't a daughter just have one secret with her dad?" "You know I can't say no to that look, louise." "It's that same look that made me buy that hamster for you" "Which, to this day, I swear to god," "He walked directly into the vacuum cleaner by himself." "Oh, yes!" "Thank you, daddy." "You're welcome, sweet girl." "Oh, and I need to get some skinny jeans," "A tank top, and some cute shoes." "Yeah." "You got it." "You got it." "You know, there are some words, tom, I have no defense for" ""daddy" and, uh..." ""breakfast served all day."" "Hey, uh, some of the guys were thinking" "About hitting a movie tonight." "Any chance I could go?" "Daddy?" "Are you serious?" "Breakfast served all day." ""Gary Unmarried", Season 2, Episode 9 "Gary Keeps a Secret"" "But on this website, every pair of jeans looks skinny." "Is there any such thing as fat jeans?" "I don't know." "Google it." "Oh!" "Oh!" "No!" "Oh." "Come on, now." "That can't even be legal." "Do me a favor." "Bookmark that, though." "Just--just..." "Just asking." "I'm in over my head here, curtis." "I'm in, like, mommy territory" "Little girl jeans, popular girl parties." "Well, you know who might be able to help." "Why don't you ask sasha?" "Sasha's not a mom." "Yeah, but she's got all the mommy parts." "They're just a little..." "Firmer than allison's." "That's my ex-wife you're talking about, man." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Yeah." "And I like it!" "So, why don't you just ask sasha to help you out?" "I don't know." "After thanksgiving," "She saw all the baggage, how crazy my family is." "Plus, we had that almost-kiss." "Everything got weird." "Oh, man, white people." "Mmm..." "Y'all make everything so complicated." "Look." "You need a woman to help you pick some clothes out." "There's a woman 10 feet away." "Just ask her for help." "And this time, please resist the urge to suck her down" "Like she's the last drop of grape soda." "Grape soda." "Black people." "Hey, uh, uncool." "But I like it." "oh, man!" "Hey, sash." "Hey..." "Gare." "Heh." "What's up?" "I seem to have found myself in a bit of a pickle." "I have a problem, and if you have any free time" "Look, I know where this is going," "And I do not help people dog-sit, move," "Or pop things in an area they cannot reach themselves." "No." "No." "Uh, my daughter," "Uh, she got invited to a cool kid party." "She doesn't have the right clothes to wear." "I need your help shopping." "Heh." "Could you do that for me?" "Are you kidding me?" "Are you asking me if I want to go shopping?" "Yes." "The answer is yes." "There's a really great store on third street called diva-station." "Want to meet there at 3:00?" "Yeah." "I just thought after thanksgiving" "Oh, gary, please." "Don't even worry about that." "Thanksgiving is such a crazy holiday." "You've got marshmallows on potatoes." "You're jamming your hand inside a turkey tush." "Really, we're good." "It's just shopping." "All right." "So, I'll meet you at 3:00." "Perfect." "Are you as hot as I am right now?" "Excuse me?" "Stab in the dark." "Sorry." "See you at 3:00." "How about this one?" "Weren't you just wearing that one?" "No, dad." "I was just wearing this one." "I can't tell these outfits apart, louise." "They look too much alike." "It's like that "spot the difference" game in the newspaper." "Maybe if one of them had a mustache on, I'd be better at it." "You know?" "Ok, I'm gonna go try something else on." "Ok." "Yeah." "Whatever you want." "Uh, ooh." "Uh..." "Am I in trouble?" "Yes." "That's strike one." "Strike two, we turn up the avril lavigne." "Ok." "Well, uh, I've been warned." "I've been watching you and your daughter," "And you guys are so adorable." "Oh." "You mean, the way she talks to me like I'm an idiot?" "Yeah." "You must be swooning." "Heh." "So, is there a mrs. "cute guy who's shopping with his daughter"?" "No, but there's a boss of mine" "That might come through the door in about a second" "That I'm hoping to have a date with." "That's too bad, because we're having a sale" "On "single salesgirls who want to make out with you" "Behind the wetzel's pretzels dumpster."" "M-maybe I could get, like, a coupon?" "Um, ok." "I couldn't find the jeans at diesel or justice," "But there's a place at the beverly center I think we could hit." "Did you have any luck here?" "No." "She's tried on everything twice." "I read every magazine in the store." "Apparently, the kids from "high school musical"" "Are having a great time in hawaii." "And, uh, according to the quiz, I'm a below-average flirt." "Ok, try these." "My niece loved them." "Yeah." "Ok, here's the thing." "My daughter just tried these on, like, 5 minutes ago." "Where did you find those?" "So cute!" "Gary:" "How do you do this shopping?" "It's the most boring thing I've ever been a part of in my life." "Ok, let me ask you something." "What is the longest amount of time you've ever spent in home depot?" "Home depot?" "My world record is 4 hours, 22 minutes." "They were having a sale on skill saws." "One was" "And I'm bored." "What?" "You can't be bored." "I'm talking about tools!" "Tools are awesome." "so is that feeling you get" "When you've picked out the perfect outfit." "And you know the minute you walk through the door," "The person you bought it for is gonna turn their head" "And go, "wow."" "Wow." "So, what do you think?" "Oh, sweetie, I don't know." "I'm a terrible judge, 'cause you make everything look better." "Sasha, what do you think?" "I love it." "Add a matching headband, and you're good to go." "Can I get it?" "Yes, of course you can get it-- whatever you want." "Ok, thank you!" "I'm going to wear it out." "Thanks for helping me out." "You're a lifesaver, ok?" "It's no problem." "It's actually kind of fun." "You ready?" "Uh, I can't go home." "I still have to get shoes." "Who needs shoes?" "We're" "All right, we need shoes." "Can you help me with the shoes?" "I know just the place." "Listen, you guys pay for the clothes," "And then we'll head over there." "You're a lifesaver." "And I will return the favor." "If you ever need a tool, I'm--I'm your guy." "There's nothing sexier than a daddy taking care of his little girl." "It's hot, right?" "I've had this flushed feeling all day." "I thought it was the chinese food." "Hey, if you hadn't walked in," "I would have had him on a pile of warm pretzels." "Wait." "What?" "I am killing your secondary!" "It's not fair." "You've been practicing while I'm at school." "Hey, life's full of choices, tom." "Ok." "I'm getting picked up in a few minutes." "How do I look?" "Oh, you look adorable!" "Oh!" "Dad, this is important." "I need an honest opinion." "Tom, how do I look?" "Like every other girl at school." "Really?" "Thank you!" "Gary:" "Whoo." "Oh, I hear your mom's anti-fun bus pulling up." "Girl, you gotta get out of here." "You're dressed all fancy." "Uh, look." "You go up there," "And I'll stall your mother, uh, somehow." "It might involve a tongue kiss." "I might ask you to close your eyes." "Ok?" "When are those guys gonna finish?" "I just want to go up to the guy holding the "slow" sign" "And say, "we know!"" "Wait." "Why is tom playing video games?" "You know grounded means no video games." "Tom!" "Yeah, well," "I knew, but dad didn't." "I didn't have the heart to tell him." "All right." "All right." "Look, I've got louise's geometry book for her study date tonight." "Ok?" "Oh, good." "I'll tell her you brought it by." "Well, where is she?" "I want to say good-bye before I leave." "She's sleeping, allison." "She was solving for "x" for, like, 3 hours," "And then her giant, brain-filled head just keeled over." "She passed out." "She's snoring." "Look, you're acting very strangely, gary" "Look, I-- all right." "Now, tom!" "My god!" "Gary!" "That was disgusting!" "It was like having a warm scallop in my mouth." "Yeah." "Is it over?" "Yes." "We're good." "Let's go." "All right, this has been a good show." "We've established that horse racing is the same as nascar" "But slower and with poop." "I'm gary brooks, and that's the score." "Dude, that is not cool." "We are 5 minutes over," "And you know I like to leave right at 6:00 on fridays." "Why would I know that?" "Have you ever seen me here on a Friday, say around 6:15?" "No." "Ok." "That's because on fridays," "I leave at 6:00, except for today," "When I'm gonna leave god knows when, 'cause I'm talking to you" "About the very thing I should be doing, which is leaving." "See my quandary?" "Hey, curtis," "Why don't we finish this argument over a drink?" "Tgif--taste guinness." "It's Friday." "Ha ha!" "I just made that up, man." "Come on." "I'm sorry." "I can't do it." "It's curtis time." "I just made up a jingle." "You're turning me down?" "Where do you disappear to every Friday?" "I can't respond to that." "The first rule of curtis time" "Is do not talk about curtis time." "Hey, great show today, gare." "Hey, thanks, sash." "So, how did louise look when she left for her party?" "Like a million bucks-- actually, like 264 bucks" "And 15 cents." "I have to say," "I, um, had a really good time" "Hanging out with you and your daughter today." "So, you know, let me know if, uh," "You want to do something again sometime." "Yeah." "Well, you know," "According--well, my calendar is kind of," "I mean, the first thing I have open is right now." "You want to go out?" "Ok." "Yeah." "Sure." "All right." "It's a date." "How about we call it a drink?" "Hey, we can call it fernando for all I care." "Let's get out of here." "All right, that's my phone." "You go get ready for our fernando while I get this, ok?" "It's my daughter louise." "Hi, honey!" "You having a good time?" "Dad, these girls are so mean." "They're making fun of me." "I want to go home." "Will you come pick me up, daddy?" "Uh..." "Yeah, louise, maybe you could just, like," "Stick it out for a little while." "You know what I mean?" "I'll just call mom." "No." "No!" "No!" "Don't call mom." "Do me a favor." "Sit tight." "I'm gonna come get you." "Daddy will save the day." "Just be cool." "Don't tell mom." "I'm coming." "I love you." "You ready?" "Hey, uh, I don't know if you've heard" "About this really cool martini bar--rick's?" "It's on ventura boulevard." "Yeah." "I actually just read about it in "la magazine."" "It's the hottest bar in the city." "It sure is." "How would you like to go to the roller rink right next-door?" "I have to pick up my daughter." "Will you come with me?" "Oh." "Yeah, sure." "All right." "It'll be fun." "We'll have bruises all over our bodies, but not for the reasons I had hoped." "All right." "This won't take long, you know?" "I'll grab louise, we'll pick her up, we'll drop her off," "And then you and I will go out for our drink." "Ok?" "Ok." "Dad!" "What--whoa." "What are you doing here?" "You're totally embarrassing me." "You called me and told me to come pick you up." "You said all the girls were making fun of you." "But everything's fine now." "What, so now you want to stay?" "Yes," "And I don't want to be the only girl at the party" "With her dad here." "We're going to the arcade now." "So, don't follow us!" "What the heck was that?" "That's a 12-year-old girl." "I know literally what it is." "What I meant was," "What the heck was that?" "!" "They change their minds, gary." "One minute, they like flowers and unicorns." "The next minute, they're piercing their nipples" "And winning wet t-shirt contests in cancun." "3 years in a row." "just sayin'." "Whoa." "Ordinarily, that would be very hot." "But considering I'm her father," "That's the most disturbing thing I can picture." "Except for that!" "Gary!" "Oh, my gosh." "Oh." "All right." "Yeah." "Ok." "Curtis, what the heck are you doing?" "That's right." "This is how I spend curtis time." "I rock the boogie." "Why didn't you tell me on Friday nights you rock the boogie" "By coming to the roller-skating rink?" "I would have lent you my satin windbreaker and matching dolphin shorts." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some moves I gotta work out" "Before "couples' skate." so..." "Heh." "Ohh." "Wow." "So, uh, should we go?" "No, I can't leave." "What if she changes her mind again?" "You know, one second, she's asking me to help her." "The next second, she wants to stay." "The party's gonna end in a half-hour, anyway." "We'll hang out." "I'll take her home." "I'm sorry." "I know this is probably a drag for you." "No." "Are you kidding me?" "The fact that you care so much about her" "Just raised you up about 50 notches in my book." "Wow." "50 notches?" "So, listen." "If you want some cpany," "I would be happy to stay." "What size are you?" "I never had any complaints." "I am talking about your feet." "If we're gonna stay, we may as well skate." "Oh." "Yeah." "Uh, I'm an 11." "We'll get skates." "But I should warn you, back in the day, I was quite the wheel man." "I used to rock the boogie, too." "Aah!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Gary, get your leg up here." "Yeah, I'm trying, but I'm doing the splits!" "I got you." "I'm pulling." "Pull up on my boobs!" "Oh!" "There you go!" "There you go!" "We're good." "Whoo!" "Hey, gary," "I found your "I'm with stupid" t-shirt." "Ironically, it wasn't with you." "Heh." "Oh, my..." "Toe!" "Well, well, well." "What happened to, and I quote," ""that language is only suitable for sailors, criminals," "And that tramp from 'sex in the city'"?" "Look." "There are some rare occasions" "Under very specific circumstances" "Usually involving severe and sudden pain" "When it's ok to use that word." "And you were just here that one time I used it." "Ok, well, what about that time you bit your tongue at burgeroos?" "Ok, twice." "And that time that cop pulled you over?" "Ok, fine, tom." "So, what, you can remember every time I've sworn," "But you can't remember to clear your browser history" "Before your mom goes online?" "And by the way-- if they have a cesarean scar," "I mean, I don't know where they get off" "Calling themselves "barely legal."" "but it's all right, tom." "You're not grounded for that, but you should be." "It's disgusting." "Ok?" "Anyway, where's louise?" "I gotta give her her backpack." "Oh." "Uh, I think dad went to go pick her up at the skating rink." "She called and she was crying." "All those kids were making fun of her." "God, there was something else, too, I was supposed to tell you." "It was really urgent." "Um..." "Oh." "Yeah." "Not to tell you." "Heh heh." "Well, thank you, tom." "I'm gonna go to my car before I say that word again." "Hey, am I still grounded?" "Yeah, yeah." "You just bought yourself another day." "What?" "!" "Ah-- yeah." "Ok." "Come on." "You can do it." "Just a little" "You got it." "yeah!" "Oh, you are definitely..." "Improving." "Oh!" "Uhh!" "That was a good 5 inches further than last time." "You're a good sport." "I'm glad you're hanging out." "I bet when I asked you for a drink," "You didn't think it was gonna come from a snack bar" "And turn your tongue blue." "Eh." "Hey, I'm just gonna tell people I had a wild night with papa smurf." "I had a really fun day." "I'm having a great time, too." "Fun time over." "Get me out of here." "Gotta go." "Gary..." "I'm not having fun anymore." "Gary, what is going on?" "No, allison." "What?" "What is going on?" "Well, they're gonna set up" "For the "hokey-pokey," and then there's gonna be a "couples' skate."" "Ok." "You know what?" "That's not funny." "Hey, girl!" "What's going on?" "Oh, my god." "That is very funny." "Look." "Gary, seriously, where is louise?" "And, I mean, tom said she was crying." "And why is she even at this party?" "She knew you would disapprove" "And you'd completely overreact about it." "Gary, when we got divorced, we agreed" "To tell each other everything then it came to the kids." "I'm sorry." "Sasha, could you" "Can you give us a second?" "It's kind of personal." "Oh." "Ok." "Um" "No." "Let's-- I'm just gonna go" "Join curtis' congo line." "Ok." "Yeah." "All right." "No, she can't leave." "Oh, for god's sakes, gary!" "Yeah." "There you go." "Here we go." "Oh, yeah." "I'm up!" "I'm up!" "Leave me alone." "I'm up." "Gary, peer pressure is a big deal at her age, all right?" "And at some point, I'm gonna have to talk to her about it." "Ok, but not tonight, ok?" "She's having a good time." "She's 12 years old." "You know, uh, one week, she's gonna be the popular girl." "Another week, she's gonna be the rebel." "And by the way-- she's never going to cancun, ok?" "All right." "Gary, I am just concerned." "I don't want her getting hurt." "I'm concerned, too." "Believe me." "But you can't go out there and ruin her good time--not tonight." "Please." "Just this one time, allison," "Let me and louise have this one secret." "Ok?" "All right." "But you and I are not done talking about this." "Great, 'cause I wasn't done pretending to listen." "Well, have fun." "All right." "Wait." "Don't push me." "Don't" "I'll give you a little-- oh, god." "Oh--hey" "Hey!" "where are we going?" "Sorry this night turned out the way it did." "I was really looking forward to hanging out with you outside of work." "Yeah." "Though, I had some time to think when I was sitting off in the corner" "Where allison told me to go" "And..." "I realized there's just-- your life is a lot more" "Than just picking up cute outfits for your daughter." "I mean, don't get me wrong." "Today was great." "You know, spending time with you and louise-- I loved it." "But, uh, then you and allison got into it, and..." "Well, there's just a whole lot more going on." "So, I guess our drink-- I mean, our date" "Our fernando..." "Our fernando was a bust." "Well, the night's not over." "And it is "couples' skate."" "All right, well, I'm game if you're game." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "We can try my new idea." "You gonna be careful?" "Steady." "Mm-hmm." "Ok." "So..." "All right." "It" "All right." "I gotta be honest with you." "It still feels pretty weird." "It's gonna take some getting used to, but it'll get easier." "Feels like the ground's moving, sasha." "All right." "Ok." "Gentle." "All right." "Ahh." "Yeah, I'm all right." "Ah." "All right." "Ready?"