"Dean!" "400 quid, by tomorrow." "Well, then, lend me the money!" "Oh, yeah, nice(!" ") I like that." "So it all becomes my fault." " What about your mother?" " That's not happening." "Oh, come on!" "She might lend you 400 quid if you promise to stay away!" "Dean!" "Banana." "Dean." "So?" "Oh... my..." "God!" "It's literally a chastity belt." "They used to wear 'em in the 12th century." "The challenge is, I've got to keep it on for two weeks!" "Bloody hell, Dean." "What if you get a hard-on?" "What happens?" "It can snap." "Like celery." "That's a nice knob, Dean." "Thank you very much." "So how's it work?" "Well, only one man holds the key, and he lives in Bristol." "Apparently he wears it on a chain round his neck, like the Dungeon Master." "He's got the keys of 57 boys, jangling away." "Apparently, if you have wet dreams, you can literally die of agony." "I had a dream last night about Jack and Finn, and I mean Jack with Finn." "The pain was just fantastic." " So you can still piss?" " Well, of course I can, don't be stupid." " There's a tube and everything." " Can I touch it?" "Oh, you wish!" "That's more than enough for you, Mr Best." "Come on, back to work, chop chop!" "See ya!" "And stop looking!" "No way!" "Scotty!" "I need your toolbox." "Now!" " Did I tell you I've seen her again?" " Uh-uh." "Honestly, Dean, she's gorgeous." "Every time I look at her, I'm all like... shiver!" "Have you spoken to her?" "No, I just see her every Tuesday in the Co-op." "I think her name's Yvonne." "All I know for definite is, it begins with a Y." "Right." "Well, hide that." "And if Mr Jayasundera asks where I am, tell him I went to the annexe." "See ya!" "You're not 25." "I'm 19, is that OK?" "It's almost 25." "It's close enough, isn't it?" "And I bet your name's not Angel." "I was Angel." "For a year." "It didn't work." "I'm Dean." "I've only got 40 minutes then I've got to go to a meeting." "I just thought, with this view..." "I want to fuck with the whole of Manchester watching." "OK!" " Right, then." " Great." " Oh, fantastic!" " Yeah." "Oh!" "Wait, wait!" "Oh, oh!" "Ahh!" "That was nice." " Sorry." " It's OK." "You're just so hot, still..." "never mind." "Happens to all of us." "Not to me." "Do you want me to finish you off?" "Not working, is it?" "I knew you'd be a Geordie." "Good." "OK, '"Dean, how did you know he was gonna be a Geordie?" "'"" "Well, that wasn't just a random for me." "It was like a miracle, you saying hello, cos I've had you as a favourite for ages." "I first saw you when your photo had bright, blond, spiky hair." "When was that?" "Six months ago?" "That's... three years ago." "Well, I thought, '"He's nice.'" So I made you a favourite, but I never said hello, in case you blocked me." "And then I used to look at you every day and it was fascinating, cos most of the time your profile says you were 125 miles away, but every fortnight, all of a sudden, you're like 5,000 feet away." "Every two weeks I'm like, '"Here he is, he's back!" "'"" "Cos I figured it out, I thought, I bet he comes here on business, and then, I knew you'd be a Geordie cos I looked it up on the map." "I measured 125 miles, with a compass, not with an actual compass, but, you know, same effect." "And 125 miles from Manchester means either Newcastle, Gloucester or some little town on the A69 called Haltwhistle, and look!" "Here you are, a Geordie, just like I said." "Can I see you again?" "Absolutely not." "If you charged ten quid to every person that you've shown your cock to today, you'd have the rent money by now." "Up to Easter!" "That would be like prostitution, Freddie." "You shock me." "Bye, then." "Hello, stranger." "Oh!" "Hello, Dean!" "That's funny." " Are you stalking me, Mr Best?" " No." "Cos all this was offices, but they never finished the conversion, we haven't even got a cooker, just a microwave." "Do you want a coffee?" "Yeah, thanks." "Just white, thanks." "I lived in a flat, after university." "Not as big as this, but..." "Three of us." "We'd shag anything that moved." "Oh, that's dirty, coming from you." "Yeah." "I miss being dirty." " Doesn't suit you." " Doesn't it?" " No." " Well, there you go." "So this is ã400 each and there's two of you?" "It's 800 a month, plus 200 for electricity." "And we're online cos Freddie bought a mobile router." "ã800, though, that's not bad." "Is there any sort of rent book?" "Not that I know of." "Freddie said they might be laundering the money." "I don't really know what that means." "Can you lend me 20 quid?" "Oh!" "Right." "Erm..." "Yeah..." "No, there, I knew that would be embarrassing - that's Freddie, he told me to ask you." " Sorry." " Fine, don't worry." "Have it." "Take it, no need to pay me back." "That's brilliant." "Thank you." "Could you lend me 100?" "I don't think that's appropriate." " No." " Sorry." "No, honestly." "Can I keep that?" "Yeah, yeah, yes." "Thanks." "You must have someone else you could ask." "I mean, have you got?" "Is there Mum and Dad, or?" "I did have." "My dad died when I was little." "Then Mum took up with this bloke called Trevor, and he was all right, he was nice, we got on." "But then he went on my computer." "This was about a year ago." "Then it all kicked off." "My mum was crying and he was shouting, he was coming out with, '"God made Adam and Eve,'" and all that shit, you know." "Jesus." "I know." "And I said, '"Well, I'm not gonna change.'"" "And he said, '"You fucking well are,'" like he was gonna punch my face in, and I just stood there cos I wasn't gonna back down, but then my mother said, like, '"You're no son of mine." "And I said, '"OK'"." "But then she said, '"Trevor,'" and he stood up, and he got all my stuff, put it in boxes and put it out the front." "And that was it, they said, '"Get out." "'"Right now." "Get out the house.'"" "And that was the last time I saw 'em." "Did you say no sugar?" "What?" "Sell that, you'd get 50 quid." "It's not mine, it's Karl's." "Thing is, I've only been here three weeks." "I can just pack my bags and go." "Cos we've got a landlord who's a gangster." "If you can't pay your rent on time, he'll break your neck." "And that's fine with me, I'll just go and get a room at Vicky's." "Yeah, well, Vicky's not gonna shag you when you're bored, is she?" "For all of 30 seconds." "Oh, fuck off." "That was your fault." "You were too vigorous." " I was speaking to Sam at work and he says he had you at Christmas." "He said that lasted 30 seconds too." "Have you been talking about me?" "Obviously." "Just fuck off!" "Really, really fuck off." "Fuck right off." "Fuck off." "Fuck off means go." "But can't you ask your mother?" "I mean, 400 quid, one-off payment, just once?" "I told you." "She never wants to see me again." "Yeah, but you could try." "It's all right for you with your nice mum and dad." "Seriously, I can't!" "She's got that thug standing next to her." "Literally, he said, '"If you come near our house again, I'll kick your head in.'"" "And he meant it, he was right in my face, he was, like, furious." "He grabbed hold of me..." "Is any of this true?" " You do exaggerate." " He threw me out!" " Did he, though?" " My God, you're a cunt!" "Yeah." "You know, I just keep thinking..." "my friend Syma, she got thrown out of home." "Exactly the same as you." "Dad went on her computer," "'"Oh, my God, my daughter's a pervert.'" All that." "Indian family, only child, my God, it was massive." "Well, that's like me." "Yeah, anyway, she packed up her stuff, she said," "'"I'm not staying here,'" and she carried it all out, and her mum's shouting, her dad's shouting, they're all like, '"Shame, disgrace,'"" "you know, bollocks like that." "And Syma gets in the car, and she's like, '"You'll never see me again.'"" "And her mum and dad say, '"Good riddance!" "'"" "And Syma goes, '"Right, OK, goodbye, for ever!" "'"" "And then the car won't start." "So her mum and dad are standing there, shouting all sorts, and Syma's sitting in the car, and she says it again, she's like, '"Goodbye, for good!" "'"" "It still won't start." "I mean, it really won't start." "And in the end, she has to get out." "They have to telephone the AA." "Turns out, she's on her father's membership, so he has to go back inside the house and get the number." "And they're still saying, '"We disown you.'"" "She's still saying, '"I don't care.'"" "And then they have to wait 45 minutes for the van to come." "Just standing there, in the street." "45 minutes." "Anyway, then the man comes, he fixes the car, and Syma gets back in, and she says, '"I'm leaving, goodbye!" "'"" "And then she drives off, and that was that." "Because that's what happens." "When real things really happen to real-life people, there's always... a car." "Or a dog." "Or a hat." "Or... something that doesn't fit." "Cos I lived with a liar." "I lived with a liar for years and years, and I know what it sounds like when you make something up." "So?" "So... we could have a laugh in this place, man." "It could be good." "We could even hook up every now and again, I don't mind." "It's better than having a wank." "Certainly faster." "But not if you're gonna fuck it up." "You're just so young, Dean." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Anyway, I tried." "400 quid, by tomorrow, or you're fucked." "Take as long as you like, I don't mind." "I'll wait here." "400 quid's a lot of money." "I'll ask her for 200, see how it goes." "And if they chase me out with cricket bats and pickaxes, get ready to drive, fast!" " OK?" " OK." " Good luck." " Thanks, hon." "Mwah!" "Oh!" " Bruno!" "Viking!" " Hold on, hold on." "Hold on." "It's all right, I've got 'em, I've got 'em." "Hey, Bruno, Viking!" "Out!" "Out!" "Come on!" "You should've said." "How's things?" "How are you?" " You all right?" " Yeah." "How's the job?" " Fine." " How's the flat?" "Fine." "No, don't do that." " We've got pasta bake." " I'm fine." "There you go." "They're excited to see you!" "I've got a woman online, from Germany, lives in Cologne." "Wants to breed them." "Could be good this time." "Long way to go but, you know, I could sleep in the car." "How's things, then?" "How's the job?" "Fine." " How's the flat, all right?" " Fine." "Pete, tell Leanne her tea's ready." "And she's not having it upstairs." "Everything OK?" "You all right for money?" " Yeah, why?" " Good." "I like your hair!" "So we decided we've got to move your nan, cos that street's getting worse." "You can't move for bins - there's a million bins all over the place." "The students make it worse." "They just scatter the bins and then no-one puts them back." "Trying to walk through there, it's like doing a slalom." "Drives me mad." "So who's in that flat of yours now, cos Karl's moved out, hasn't he?" "Has anyone else moved in?" " Dunno." " You live there." "So?" " I'm asking, that's all." " Don't be like that now." "Like what?" "Your mother was just asking, that's all." "We're interested." "Oh, shut up, Dad!" " Don't tell me to shut up!" " Well, shut up, then." "If I told you to shut up, you'd send me to my room." "Yeah, well, you're not helping, Leanne," " thank you very much." " He's telling you to shut up." "Oh, my God, did you hear him?" "I didn't say it, Dad did." "Just... pipe down, both of you." "It would be nice to just sit and have our tea, don't you think?" "Wouldn't it?" "So... who is living in the flat now, then?" " Oh, my God!" " It's all right, Pete, just leave it." "How come he can have his phone at the table?" " Because he's over 18." " Your brother's got a job." " He might need it." " So fuck off, all right?" "Oi!" "Come on, Dean." "There's no need for that." "Yeah." "So don't... fuck us off." "Julie came round." "She said, '"How's Dean?" "'" I said, '"He's still bent.'"" "Leanne... you can stop that." "She wasyour girlfriend." "So?" "I remember when yous broke up." "She was at the door, you were in the bathroom, you were crying." "You cried all night." "You got a boyfriend?" "Leanne, you can button it, OK?" "Why, what's wrong with me having a boyfriend?" "Oh, that's right, yeah, have a go at me!" "No, he's too young to settle down." "Isn't that right, Dean?" "All those boys out there, I bet you're breaking hearts." "Is there... anyone?" "Why?" "I'm just wondering." "No, he's just saying that..." "Well, if there is anyone special, then he's..." " he's a very lucky boy." " Oh!" "Yeah, well, I had sex this morning." "I had sex with a man in town and he had me right up the bum." "Oh, my God, did you hear him?" "!" "He fucked me up the bum, then I fucked him." " Here we go." "Every time!" " What d'you mean, this morning?" "Why weren't you at work?" "Cos I was too busy getting fucked, OK?" " That's so disgusting." " Dean!" "Yeah, and he came right in my face." " Oh, gross!" " Stop it now!" "He spunked in my face and I licked it up and I ate it." "Right, that's it, both of you, stop it!" "You're not clever, just stop it, OK?" "Oh, but she can talk about boys and that's OK?" "She doesn't talk about them coming in her face!" " Eugh!" " I said, that's enough!" "Well, I hope you're being safe." "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "They said no." "And then they said, '"You can get out, you little queer.'"" "Oh, my God, they're rubbish." "Fuck it." "They're not worth it." "Come on." "You're driving me to 46 Verona Lane." "Why, what happens there?" "Ah!" "No!" "Ah!" "Doesn't matter." "Keep going!" "It's not my fault." "They said no." "I haven't got the money." "What am I supposed to do?" "Maybe something will turn up." "That's what a child says." "Now, first of all, you need to get a rent book." "So, to get a rent book, you need to establish Roderick's status and then you need to establish the status of this building, to find out whether it's a commercial property or whether it had its designation changed to residential, and if I do all of that for you can I stay?" "Can you lend me 400 quid?" "Yes." "Can you give me 400 quid?" " Yes." " Get in." "Ha!"