"One double room without bath for the 16th, 17th and 18th... yes, and if you'd be so good as to confirm by letter?" "Thank you so much, goodbye." "Have you made up the bill for room twelve, Basil?" "No, I haven't yet, no." "Well, they're in a hurry." "Polly says they didn't get their alarm call." "And Basil, please get that picture up, it's been there for a week." "It's been there since Monday, Sybil..." "Tuesday..." "Wednesday..." "Thursday..." "Good morning." "Friday..." "Sat" "Manuel!" "There is too much butter on those trays." "Que?" "There is too much butter on those trays." " No, no, no, Senor!" " What?" "Not 'on- those- trays'." "No sir - 'uno dos tres.'" " Uno, dos, tres." " No, no." "Hay mucho burro alli!" "Que?" "Hay mucho burro alli!" "Ah, mantequilla!" "What?" "Que?" "Mantequilla." "Burro is-is hee-haw." "What?" "Burro-Burro is hee-haw, hee-haw." "Manuel, por favor." "Uno momento." "Si, si, si." "What's the matter, Basil?" "Nothing, dear, I'm just dealing with it." "He speak good..." "how do you say...?" "English!" "Mantequilla, solamente, dos." "Dos?" "Don't look at me." "You're the one who's supposed to be able to speak it." "Two pieces!" "Two each!" "Arriba, arriba!" "I don't know why you wanted to hire him, Basil." "Because he's cheap and keen to learn, dear." "And in this day and age such..." "But why did you say you could speak the language?" "I learnt classical Spanish, not the strange dialect he seems to have picked up." "It'd be quicker to train a monkey." "Good morning Miss Gatsby, morning Miss Tibbs." "Good morning, good morning." " Basil!" " Yes, dear?" "Are you going to hang the picture?" " Yes, dear, yes, yes..." " When?" "When I've, when I've..." "Well, why don't you do it now?" "Well, I'm doing this, dear I'm doing the menu." "You've got all morning to do the menu." "Why don't you hang the picture now?" " Well?" " Yes, all right, I won't do the menu..." "I don't think you realize how long it takes to do the menu, but no, it doesn't matter, I'll hang the picture now." "If the menus are late for lunch, it doesn't matter, the guests can all come and look at the picture till they are ready, right?" "Lower..." "Lower... up a bit..." " There!" " Thank you, dear." "Thank you so much." "I don't know where I'd be without you... in the land of the living, probably." "Yes?" "Er... could we have our bill please?" "Well, can you wait a minute?" "Er..." "I'm afraid we're a bit late for our train, we didn't get our alarm call." "Right." "I was up at five, you know, we do have staff problems." "I'm so sorry, it's all done by magic." "Basil, are you doing the menu?" "No, I'm not doing the menu, dear." "I am doing the bill for these charming people who are in a hurry." "I'm sorry to cause all this trouble, but the reason we're late is we didn't get our alarm call." "Oh dear, I am sorry." "Basil, why didn't they get their alarm call?" "Because I forgot!" "I am so sorry I am not perfect!" "There you are, there's the bill." "Perhaps you'd pay my wife, I have to put the picture up..." "If there aren't any dustbins to be cleaned out..." "Newspapers!" "Goodbye." "See you again!" "Don't forget the picture, Basil." "I won't, dear, leave it to me." "I'm going out now." "I expect it to up when I get back." "Drive carefully, dear..." "Ah, good morning, Major." "Morning, Fawlty." "I do apologise for the tardiness of the arrival of your newspaper this morning, Major." "I will speak to them again, see if something can be done." "Ah, more strikes..." "Dustmen..." "Post Office..." "It makes you want to cry, doesn't it?" "What's happened to the old ideal of doing something for your fellow man, of service?" " I mean, today..." " Mr. Fawlty?" "Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming!" "They treat you like dirt, you know..." "Of course it's pure ignorance, but with the class of guests one gets nowadays..." "Ah!" "D'olivera made a hundred!" "Did he?" "Did he really?" "Good for him, good old Dolly." "Well, well, well..." "Thank you, Polly." "We're only staying till Sunday!" "Right, thank you..." "Ah, I thought you were going out, dear." "What's this?" "I decided, Sybil, to advertise." "I..." "How much did it cost?" "Oh..." "I haven't... fifteen?" " Forty." " Forty." "I have told you where we advertise." "Sybil, I know the hotel business." "No you don't, Basil." "Sybil, we've got to try to attract a better class of person." "Why?" "Well, we're losing tone." "We're making money." " Yes, yes..." " Just." "Yes, but now we can try to build up a higher class of clientele!" "Turn away some of the riff-raff." "So long as they pay their bills, Basil." "Is that all that matters to you, Sybil?" "Money?" "This advertisement is a waste of forty pounds." "One moment!" "One moment, please!" " Well?" " Well?" "My dear woman, Sir Richard and Lady Morris, arriving this evening." "For two nights." "You see, they saw the advertisement in Country Life." "I wish they were staying a week." "Well, so do I..." "Might pay for the ad then." "Sybil, look!" "If we can attract this class of customer," "I mean... the sky's the limit!" "Basil, twenty-two rooms is the limit!" "I mean, have you seen the people in room six?" "They've never even sat on chairs before." "They are the commonest, vulgarest, most horrible, nasty..." "'Allo!" "Got a room?" "I beg your pardon?" "Got a room for tonight, mate?" "I shall have to see, sir..." " Single?" " Yeah." "No, make it a double, I feel lucky today!" " 'Allo..." " Good morning." "Only joking." " No we haven't." " What?" "No we haven't any rooms." "Good day..." "Number seven is free, Basil." "What?" "...oh..." "Mr Tone is in number seven, dear." "No, he left while you were putting the picture up, Basil..." "You have luggage, sir?" "Just one case." "In the car..." "the white sports." "Fill this in, would you, sir?" "If you can." "I hope you enjoy your stay, Mr Brown." "Er, Manuel, would you fetch this gentleman's case from the car outside?" "Take it to room seven." " Is not easy for me." " What?" "Is not easy for me... entender." "Ah!" "It's not easy for you to understand." "Manuel..." "We're training him." "He's from Barcelona." "In Spain." "Obtener la valisa..." "Que?" "La valisa en el, er, auto bianco sportiv." "Y... a la sala... siete... por favor." "Pronto." "Is impossible." " What?" " Is impossible." "Look, it's perfectly simple!" "Manuel - sirvase buscar mi equipaje que esta en el automovil blanco y lo traer a la sala numero siete." "Senor, habla espanol!" "Solo un poco, lo siento." "Pero he olvidado mucho." "No, no, habla muy bien." "Muy muy bien." "Formidable!" "Gracias, gracias." "Lo voy a coger ahora." "Wel, if there's anything else, I'm sure Manuel will be able to tell you... as you seem to get on so well together." "Key?" "Hallo dear... just doing the picture." "Don't forget the menu." "I beg your pardon?" "Don't forget the menu." "I thought you said you wanted..." "Right!" "I'll do the menu." "You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket." "Racket?" "That's Brahms!" "Brahms's Thrid Racket!" "The whole morning!" "I had two bars." "Ready to order?" "Er, yeah." "What's a gralefrit?" "Grapefruit." "And creme pot... pot rouge?" "Portugaise." "Tomato soup." "I'll have the gralefrit." "Now - balm carousel..." "lamb?" "Casserole." "Sounds good." "Does it come with a smile?" "It comes with sprouts or carrots." "Oh, smile's extra, is it?" "You'll get one if you eat up all your sprouts." "Waiter!" "I beg your pardon?" "Oh, 'allo." "Can I have some wine please?" "The waiter is busy, sir, but I will bring you the carte des vins when I have finished attending to this gentleman." "Oh, fine - no hurry." "Oh, good, how nice, how very thoughtful." "I trust the beer is to your satisfaction, sir?" "Yes, fine." "Ah, good." "May I wish you bon apetit?" "Manuel!" "Si, Senor." "Would you fetch the wine list please?" "Si, senor." " The wine list." " Si?" " The wine... vino." " Senor." "No, no." "The list!" "There, there, the list!" "The list, there!" "The red... there!" "There!" "'Ave you got a half bottle of the Beaujolais?" "Yes." "Oh, fine." "Right!" "Never mind!" "Never mind!" "Manuel, another grapefruit for table twelve please." "Manuel!" "I do beg your pardon..." "I'm so sorry..." " No!" "..." "Throw it away." " Que?" "Throw... it... away!" "Throw... it... away?" "Throw it away!" "Now!" "Sorry!" "Sorry, sorry!" "Sorry about that." "Sorry about that." "No, I like a bit of cabaret." "You left your sketch." "Oh!" "Sorry." "It's very good." "Do you sell any?" "Enough to keep me in waitressing." "One half bottle of Beaujolais." "Sybil!" "Someone at reception, dear." "Yes, yes, well, yes?" "Er, well, I was wondering if you could offer me accomodation for a few nights?" "Well, have you booked?" " I'm sorry?" " Have you booked?" " No." " Oh dear!" "Why, are you full?" "Oh, we're not full..." "We're not full." "Of course we're not full!" " I'd like, er..." " One moment, one moment, please... yes?" " A single room with a..." " Your name, please, could I have your name?" " Melbury." " One second please." "Hello?" "Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple." "When I asked you to build me a wall," "I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile, you might have found time to cement them together..." "You know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion." "Could you fill it in, please?" "Oh, splendid!" "Ah, yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly?" "There - there!" "Yes, but when?" "Yes, yes..." "Ah!" "The flu!" "Both names, please." "Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly, that and the potato famine I suppose..." "I beg your pardon?" "Would you put both your names, please?" "Well, will you give me a date?" "Er..." "I only use one." "You don't have a first name?" "No, I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign myself 'Melbury'." "Go away." "I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship..." "I do apologise, please forgive me." "Now, was there something, is there something, anything, I can do for you?" "Anything at all?" "Well, I have filled this in..." "Oh, please don't bother with that." "Now, a special room?" "... a single?" "A double?" "A suite?" "Well, we don't have any suites, but we do have some beautiful doubles with a view..." "No, no, just a single." "Just a single." "Absolutely!" "How very wise if I may say so, your honour." "With a bath." "Naturally, naturally!" "Naturellement!" "I shall be staying for one or two nights." "Oh please!" "Please!" "..." "Manuel!" "Well, it's... it's rather grey today, isn't it?" "Oh, yes, it is, rather." "Of course usually down here it's beautiful, but today is a real old... er... rotter." "Manuel!" "Still... it's good for the wheat." "Yes, er, I suppose so." "Oh yes!" "I hear it's coming along wonderfully at the moment!" "Thank God!" "I love the wheat..." "There's no sight like a field of wheat waving in the... waving in..." "Manuel!" "Well, how are you?" "I mean if it's not a personal question." "Well, it is a personal " "Let me take your cases for you, please allow me..." "Oh, thank you very much." " They're just outside." " Splendid." "Thank you so much." "I won't be one moment..." "Ah, Lord Melbury." "May I introduce my wife?" "Yes, we have met." "My wife, may I introduce your lordship?" "Thank you, Basil, we've sorted it out." "Splendid, splendid." "I wonder, could I deposit this case with you?" "It's just a few valuables." "Valuable, of course." "Please let me take it now." "I'll put it in the safe straight away." "Sybil, would you put this in the safe, please?" "I'm just off to the kitchen, Basil." "Yes, well, if you're too busy..." "Nice to have met you, Lord Melbury." " I hope you enjoy your stay." " Thank you so much." "Yes, well I'll do it then, then I'll do the picture..." "I'll put this away in one moment, your lord." "Manuel, , will you take these cases to room twenty-one?" "Que?" "Take... to room... twenty-one." "No entender." "Prenda las casos en-- oh, doesn't matter." "Right!" "I'll do it, I'll do it." "Thank you Manuel." " I take them." " No, no, go away!" " Que?" " Go and wait!" " Wait?" "In there!" "Go and wait in there!" "Go and be a waiter in there!" "I do apologise, your lordship." "I'm afraid he's only just joined us." "It'd be quicker to train a monkey." "Do please follow me..." "I mean, if you're ready." "There's no hurry." "Oh yes, yes, fine." "Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you." "Would you mind moving to that table?" "What?" "Could I ask you please to move to that table over there?" "But..." "I'm so sorry to trouble you." " We're halfway through..." " Thank you so much." "This is Lord Melbury's table, you see." " What?" " Lord Melbury." "When he stays with us he always sits at this table." "Well, why did they put us here?" "Ah, an oversight... on my wife's part." "I'm so sorry." "He's just arrived, you see." "Would you mind?" "Polly!" "Would you help these people to that table?" "Thank you, thank you so much." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Thank you." "Ah, Lord Melbury!" "Do please come this way..." "your lordship..." "I have your table over here by the window as usual." "Just here." " Thank you so much." " Thank you, thank you very much." "I'm so sorry!" "Oh my Lord!" "Oh my God!" "I think he's killed him!" "Get on with your meals!" "Thank you so much." "Lord Melbury, I really must apologise again for..." "Please, please, think nothing of it." " But it was so..." " No, no, no." "Please!" "It was the smallest of accidents." "It could have occurred anywhere." " Yes, but..." " No, no, no, I've forgotten all about it." "That's most..." "You're really... er, your lordship, would you allow me to offer you dinner here tonight... as our guest?" "That's extremely kind of you." "Unfortunately I have an engagement tonight..." " Oh!" " Oh actually..." " Yes?" " There is one thing." "Good!" "Good!" "I was wondering..." "Can you cash me a small cheque?" "I'm playing golf this afternoon." "Oh, delighted!" "And I'd rather not go into the town." "Absolutely..." "I mean, er, how much?" "Er, if it's not a rude question?" "Er well... er... could you manage... fif..." "Oh!" "...a hundred?" "A... h... hundred?" "Oh absolutely..." "Oh yes, I mean, will a hundred be enough?" "I mean a hundred and fifty... two..." "two... er, a hundred and sixty?" "Let's see, that's, er, dinner tonight... few tips..." "Oh, and it's the weekend, isn't it?" "Is two hundred all right?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Please!" "Yes!" "Oh, ha, ha!" " oh, tremendous!" "Oh..." "I'm so happy!" "I'll send someone to the town straightaway and have it for you when you get back." "Yes, well, that would be splendid." "Thank you, thank you, your lordship." "Thank you so much." "Oh, not at all, my privilege..." "What breeding..." "Sheer..." "Oh!" "Hallo, dear." " What are you doing?" " I'm kissing you, dear." "Well, don't." "Just thought it might be nice to..." "I heard about lunch." "What?" "..." "Oh, that!" "Oh, think nothing of it." "What?" "It was the smallest of accidents." "Could have occurred anywhere." "Anywhere?" "First you move that nice family in the middle of their meal, and then you attack Lord Melbury with a chair!" "Look, Sybil," "I've had a word with Lord Melbury about it." "He was quite charming..." "Oh, it's delightful to have people like that stay here... sheer class, golf, baths, engagements, a couple of hundr... h, h, horses..." "Well, I've never seen such tatty cases." "Of course you haven't." "It's only the upper class class that would have tat like that that." "It's the whole point!" " Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about." " No I don't." "But don't ever move guests in the middle of a meal again  and get that picture up." "Sour old rat." "Ah!" "Polly." "Would you do me a favour?" "When you're down in town this afternoon... just between ourselves, don't mention it to my wife... pop into the bank and just..." "Could someone answer that, please?" "Hallo!" "Is there nobody who can answer that?" "There must be someone." "Not you." "I'll never get it up." "I'll cancel my holiday." "Do it then." "Hallo, Fawlty Towers?" "Hallo, Fawlty Towers." "Oh, hello, Brenda." "Basil, it's six o'clock." "Ah, Polly..." "Did you cash it?" " Yes, er..." "Mr Fawlty?" " Good, good." " Could I have a word with you?" " What?" "Could I speak to you in the office for just a minute?" " Not now Polly!" " It's very important, I..." " Later!" "Later!" " Basil!" " I'm just going, dear.." "Thank you, thank you so much, Polly." "Ah, good evening, Major." "Evening, Fawlty." "The usual?" "Er... er... oh, why not, indeed." "Why not?" "I've just been been watching one of those nature films on television." "Oh yes?" "Did you know that a female gibbon gestates for seven months?" "Seven months?" "Well I never..." "There you are, Major..." "Seven..." "My word." "Ah, good evening, Mr Wareing." "A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and water please." "Certainly." "Is there any part of the room you'd like us to keep away from?" "What?" "We'll be over there, then." "Seven!" "Well, well..." "Evening, Fawlty." "Ah, good evening, Lord Melbury." " Anywhere?" " Yes, anywhere, anywhere..." "Your lordship, may I offer you a little apertif... as our guest?" "That's very kind of you..." "Dry sherry if you please." "What else?" "Such... oh, I don't know what..." "Je ne sais quoi?" "Exactly!" "Exactly!" "Ah, there you are, Sybil." "Good evening, Major." "Evening, Mrs Fawlty." "There you are, your lordship." "Ah, thank you very much." "I see my little collection of coins tickles your interest." "What?" "Oh, yes, yes." "All British Empire of course." "Used to be quite a hobby of mine." "Little investment too..." "Quite... oh..." "Talking about, er..." " Did you manage to..." " Oh yes.." "Here you are, your lordship." "Oh, thank you, yes." "Oh yes, you know, these sorts of things, their value's soared this last couple of years." "Have they really?" "Yes, yes." "You take my advice." "Get them revalued, and insure them for the full amount." "Yes, yes, I will." "Can't take any risks nowadays, I'm afraid." " No, no, quite." " Well, I must be off." "Thank you, thank you, your lordship." "I'll certainly..." "Basil!" "Yes, yes, I was just talking to Lord Melbury, dear..." "A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, please!" "I do apologise, I was just talking to Lord..." "Fawlty!" "I was just thinking..." "I'm having dinner tonight with the Duke of Buckleigh..." "Do you know him?" "Not... presonally, no." "Oh... well, he's a great expert, you know, Sotheby's and all that..." "Is he?" "Well, if you liked," "I could take them with me, ask him to have a quick look at them and find out their current value." " Would... would you really?" " Yes, yes, certainly." "Well, I'll be off in a few moments." " Well, that's really... so incredibly... er..." " Basil!" "I'm talking to Lord Melbury!" "A... gin... and orange... a lemon squash..." "and a scotch and water please!" "All right!" "All right!" "Oh, Mr. Fawlty..." "Was that Lord Melbury?" "Has he gone?" "I rang..." "Mr Fawlty, I must speak with you." " What?" "Can't you see I'm busy?" " Please!" "It's very important." " Can we talk in there?" " I can't!" " Basil!" " It's very important!" "I'm just dealing with something important out here, Sybil, thank you." "Yes?" "Yes, right, well, yes, yes, what is it?" " It's about Lord Melbury." " Yes?" "He's not Lord Melbury..." "He's a confidence trickster." "I beg your pardon?" "Mr Brown told me." "Haaa!" "Mr Brown's from the CID." "They've been watching Melbury because he's pulling some big con trick in the town." "They're going to arrest him when he leaves the hotel so as not to cause you embarrassment." " But he asked me to tell you..." " Oh, how nice of him!" "Please, Mr Fawlty..." "Oh, I don't know what other tales" "Mr Brown of MI5 has been impressing you with but..." " He's a con man!" " Oh of course." "It stands out a mile, doesn't it?" "He's so common." "Unlike that cockney git whose ulterior motive will soon no doubt become apparent to you, poor innocent misguided child that you are." " Basil, what is going on?" " Nothing, my dear, nothing at all." " Mrs Fawlty..." " Now look!" "Yes, Polly?" " I don't know what she's..." " Basil!" "Mr Brown's from the CID." "He showed me his identification." "They're watching Melbury." "He's a confidence trickster." "I see." "What... what do you mean, you see?" "Let's have a look at these valuables..." "What are you doing, Sybil?" "Sybil, I forbid you to open the safe!" "Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out!" "Sybil, do not open that case!" "I forbid it!" "I never thought I would live to see the day when a peer of the realm... entrusts to us... a case of valuables... in trust..." "I'll call the police." "They're here already, Mr Brown's outside." "Someone at reception, Basil." "Ah!" "...all right... er..." "Ah..." "Good evening." "I believe you were expecting us." "No, I was expecting somebody else." "Sir Richard and Lady Morris." "Yes, yes, them as well." "I'm sorry?" " How did you know?" " What?" "Oh... you're Sir Richard and Lady Morris." "I do beg your pardon." "I was just think... er..." "Now, would you mind filling this out, please?" "We've given you room..." "Ah hah!" "Ah, Fawlty!" "Mr Fawlty to you, Lord Melbury." "I beg your pardon?" "Oh, nothing, please forget all about it." "Oh... er... well... here's the cheque for two hundred pounds..." "Ah, thank you so much." "Now, about my priceless collection of coins..." "Oh yes... er, do you still want..." "Do I still want you to take them to be valued by the Duke of Buckleigh, my lord?" " Er... yes." " No, I don't." "Because we've just heard that the Duke of Buckleigh is... dead!" "Yes, he got his head knocked off by a golf ball." "Tragic!" "Tragic!" "Well, how are you, Lord Melbury?" "'Ow are yer then?" "All right, mate?" "'Ow's me old mucker?" "Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard?" "Any bricks?" "I do apologise..." "You bastard!" "We've given you room twelve with the view overlooking the park..." "I'm sure you'll like it..." "We'll have your bags brought up..." "May I introduce my wife?" "Hello, Lord Melbury!" " BASTARD!" " Basil!" "Please think nothing of it." "Do please excuse me one moment." "Basil, the Morrises are leaving." "Where are you going?" "Where are you going?" "We're leaving!" "Oh, don't." "Please stay." "You'll like it here." "I've never been in such a place in my life." "You snobs!" "You stupid... stuck-up..." "toffee-nosed... half-witted... upper-class piles of... pus!" " Sorry, Mr. Fawlty." " Oh just one, please." "Sorry, Mr. Fawlty." "Well, I'd better put the picture up." "Oh... thank you Polly for the..." " Well done, Manuel." " Que?" "Oh..." "Ole." "I'm sorry about that, Mr Fawlty... can I buy you a drink?" "No, no, I'd better put this up, I suppose." "Basil!" "A gin and orange... a lemon squash... and a scotch and water please!" "Right!" "Come on, then!"