" What do I get out of it?" " Emma, you don't get to ask that question at 13 years of age." "You have duties, live with it." "Why do I have to go before and after school?" "Yeah, why does she have to go before and after?" "Because Mom is 79 and not quite the full shilling anymore." "Whoops!" "Calculator in the corn flakes." "God, just bring her her bloody paper and milk and stop moaning about it, will ya?" "Once I get some new stock I'll be fine." " The problem's just cash flow." " Just get it from the bank." "They're not lending." "You can't all go on borrowing money from me indefinitely." "Mmm, from us indefinitely." "From me indefinitely." " Mom!" " What?" "I don't have time to make you gourmet lunches, Emma." "This is embarrassing." "Just take a bite of the banana and then a bite of the bread." "That's what we used to have." " You tell her." " Last time, I promise." "And what happens when you can't pay me back?" "I'll pay you back." "I'll have to give you a check." " What?" " She's old and weird and only ever wants to argue about things." "Can't argue with that." "Thanks, sis, you're a lifesaver." "Your mom is well able to look after herself." "She could come and live with us instead." "Do as your mother tells you." "No." "Thank you, dear." "You're welcome." "Mom!" "Mom!" "Come on, Mom, will you help?" "Ask her where's my birth cert." "What's he looking for now?" " Birth cert." " Where did you put it?" "I mean it's not like they don't know who I am." "I've been going down there for nearly twenty years." "I collect once a week." "I sign on once a month." "I mean, they have my signature." "They have my picture!" "And what the hell is an annual review?" "They never used to have annual reviews." "How can you live in this chaos, Mom?" "Tell him to take his time and he'll find it." "I mean, who uses a birth cert for anything anymore anyway?" "I'm gonna be late." "They're gonna make me do a whole new application." "Then they're going to start trying to train me to do things." "Come on, where did you put it?" " You put everything" " He's not used to being up this early." "Come on, Mom, will you help?" "I'm gonna lose me welfare!" "Did you put it in a drawer?" "Will you help me?" "!" "Mom!" "Des?" " No job?" " Don't tell Mom." "Don't mind her." "If she'd listened to us and sold the house during the boom we'd all be in the south of France by now." " Hiya." " Not you too?" "They cut me down to two days at the groomers." "Don't tell Mom." "Here, go on, will ya?" " Huh?" " You're next." "Relax, I'm talking here." "Just get a move on, ya bleedin' culchie." "I'm not a culchie." "Nan?" "Nan?" "Nan?" "Nan!" "Huh?" "Eight bags, that's the lot." "Emma?" "Check that this is on right." "A hundred and sixty, there, please, Annie." "They're safe enough there, love." "Night, girls." "Jesus!" "It's colder than a Norwegian's tit." " Oh, lovely, Colm." " What?" "Did you put your rent in the jar?" "Yes, I did." "I don't know what you need money for, anyway." "I need you to do us a favor." "Take Nan for a day out somewhere." "Okay?" "Why?" "You can't tell her." "Fine." "I'm going to clean up the house." "Does my mom know about it?" "I'm going to get her to help me." "I just need to know we have our decoy first." " Fifty." " Are you fucking serious?" "Take it or leave it." "Get her out early and back late." "And don't let on now." "Can I not just want to hang out with my granny?" "I've been on the dart before." "Your granddad took me out to Bray when they opened the line." "Nineteen eighty-four." "Anything from the last century doesn't count." "Will I be back in time for Joe Duffy?" "I dunno." "Is he coming to the house?" "On the radio." " Two o'clock." " We definitely won't be back." "Are you cold?" "No, I'm all right." "But you're a bit cold, aren't you?" "I'm grand." "Just say you're cold." "But I'm not." " Just say it." " I'm freezing." "Don't worry." "I have just the thing for you." "What do you think happens to you when you die?" "I don't think anything happens." "Maybe coming back to life as someone else, like the president or some famous singer." "Or a handicap or a homeless person." "No." "Or you come back as Colm." "Aw, wreck the head." "Something better than you are now." "No such thing." "Okay." "Me... except..." "I'm younger" " and I can fly." " Seriously." "It's not a conversation to be taken seriously." "Reincarnation is serious." "A lot of people believe in it." "More wishful thinking." "Surprise!" "It's not my birthday until next week." "Special treat, Mom, ahead of your birthday... full house makeover." "What?" "Everything of worth or sentimental value has been cleaned." "Everything else has been repaired, replaced or upgraded." "Fresh as a daisy." "New toaster, new kettle." "I cleaned the cooker." "New digital TV service..." "No more crappy picture quality and you can record on it." "It's like watching it back live." "And, drumroll please..." "Whoa-aaa!" "Giant basket for your wool!" "Oh, look." "We put these all around the house." "Keep the old-folk stink away." "Come on, Mom." "New table." "And you can see yourself in the mirror now." "Where's everything gone?" "Three hundred and eighty-six true crime novels, forty-six phone books, twenty-two years of newspapers." "Calendars, birthday and Christmas cards, knitting patterns." "Seven million Chinese take-away menus." "Eight million bus tickets." "School books, first year leaving certificate, 1954-1996." "All sorts of other junk, too." "All gone to recycling." "Come on." "Ta-dah!" "New shower curtains." "Handles in the bath." " Oof!" " Oh, here." "We cleared out some of the old furniture in my room." "Oh, some nice improvements in there." "In case you ever wanted to rent it out or whatever." "You planning on moving out?" "No plan, no, but just in case." "Keep your eyes closed, okay." "Annie, you get the lights." "Straight across, okay." "Don't open your eyes, Mom, wait for the big finale." "Wait... okay." "Ta-dah!" "New curtains, new carpet." "Best of all, no more smelly old mattress." "Brand-new bed, lkea's finest, memory foam, orthopedic." "Best night's kip ever." "We both got one." "Where's the old one?" "Oh, yeah." "We cleared out all the crap from under the bed." "You can see right through to the other side." "Have a look!" "Much better feng shui!" "Where's it gone?" "Mom, you don't have to worry about it," " that's the point." " Where is it?" "Why do you want to know?" "Because all my money was in it." "Are you sure?" "Yes, Colm, I'm sure." "How much?" "Nearly a million." "I tell you what, Mom, you can still nail a punch line." "Yeah, me small wit." "A million bedbugs." "A million euros." "Ah, pull the other one, would you?" "How would you get a million euro?" "Selling off the garage at the end of the garden, rent from the basement flat, my inheritance, whatever your dad didn't drink, savings from teaching and my pension." "Not quite a million, but fifty year's savings adds up." "If you did have the money, Mom, why didn't you put it in the bank?" "Have you not been listening to the news?" "It was safe here." "You could hold it in your hands." "I didn't know you idiots were going to come along and throw it out." "You don't think she's serious, do you?" "She looked very serious to me." "It went out the front with the rest, didn't it?" " Yeah." "Did the charity take it?" " No." "How can you be so sure?" "They don't take beds or bedding." " So it's gone to the dump?" " Well, what did it look like?" " What color was it?" " What did it look like, Mom?" " It was blue." " It was cream and blue... with the letters A-Q-P printed on it." "It went out with everything else." "Who was the van driver?" "Just a lad I know." "He drinks up in the hill." " Ring him." " I don't have his number." "Oh Jesus, Colm, you and your bloody schemes." "I told you to organize a professional waste service." "Wait a minute." "Whoever we gave it to would have taken it away the same." "In fact, if they were professional, it would already be incinerated by now." "The guy I got to do it is probably up in the pub with everything still sitting in the back of his van." "Where are we going?" "Come on, come on." "Where are we going?" "What about Nan?" " I'll take her." " Come on." "Come on." "To be honest, I'm not sure I believe any of this." "I mean, you must have changed your mattress over all those years." "Four times." "When the euro came in," "I took pounds to the bank every day for six months." "And when were you going to tell us about these extensive savings?" "I wasn't going to tell you." "It must be a wind-up." "Maybe she's in shock after we threw out all her junk." "Can you actually imagine if there was a million euro in it?" "Ha." "Jim?" "Arthur in?" "Yeah, he's sitting there." "See if we can grab his keys from on the bar." " Was he there?" " No." "Might have gone out for a smoke." "Didn't see him outside." "Jeez, that's brutal, isn't it?" " Three-nil." " Yeah." "Give us a packet of them crisps there, will you, Jim?" "What do you want Arthur for?" "Nothing." "Just looking for him." "Aw, fuck it, Jim." "Bollocks!" "What the hell are you doing?" " Get out of that van." " Sorry, Arthur." "We threw out something that Mother wanted to keep." "We thought you might still have it in the van." "You'd want to wise up." "Sorry." "Where did you dump it?" "Aw, come on, man." "I apologized, okay?" "Gimme me keys." "Where did you offload it?" "The recycling depot in Ring's End." "Okay." "Okay, great." "Thanks, Arthur." "Cheers." "I'll make it up to you!" "I'll buy you a pint, right?" " Should we climb over?" " What if there's a guard dog?" "Why would they be guarding a load of rubbish?" "It's worth a lot." "You'd be surprised." "They sell it to the Chinese." "I wonder how much they pay for old mattresses." "Well, are we going to do something or what?" " I'm not getting over that." " Needn't bother." "Everything's cleared." "They must have already sent it on." "Where, Colm, to where have they sent it?" "Some sort of sorting facility I suppose." "You suppose." "I'll go in and talk to them in the morning." " Monday morning." " It's a bank holiday." "Tuesday morning." "Don't worry, Colm will find it on Tuesday." "Colm is sick." "He couldn't find a wife or a job." "How's he going to find my life savings?" "All right, go on!" " He will." " Mmm." "Oh, oh!" " God help me!" " I'll hold you." "Get your hands off me arse." " Do you want help or not?" " Bollocks!" "I hate Sundays." "Why do you want it back?" "It's got sentimental value." "Dad used to sleep on it with her." "Oh." "Happy memories, huh?" "Just let it go, love." "It'll be filthy by now." "It'll be no use to you." "Yeah, she's superstitious, too." "Probably easiest just to find it." "Oh." "Well, if you put it in the right container," "It's probably gone to landfill via the depot by now." "People put mattresses all over the shop here." "Rubble, timber, damaged furniture, pre-loved furniture." "Reusable." "Either way it's probably gone to the landfill." "I thought this was a recycling center." "It's practically impossible to recycle a mattress." "They're indestructible yokes." "You put them in the shredder... and they're likely to pop out the other side intact." "The pickarinos try to get the steel out of the springs sometimes, but it's just not worth the effort." "Well, where the hell do we start?" "Gerry!" "If it did go to the landfill, how would we find it?" " Jump up and down." " Pardon?" "Well, you wouldn't be able to see it 'cause they cover everything up really quick." "Unless they leave the corner sticking up or something." "But you can usually tell by the feel of it there's a mattress in the ground 'cause it's soft, springy." "Starts right over there." "Just gotta go in." "There's this whole section here." "That's all fresh stuff just coming in now." "So, see, if we go up to the office..." "Lift up that brown one." " We're trying to lift it." " Just push it." "Yeah." "Fuck off." "Whoo!" "Trick or treat!" "." " Arrrgh!" "What are you looking at?" "What are you doing?" "Where's that county map?" "I'm going to start looking up landfills." "Some kids just robbed the shed out of the garden." "Let them have it." "We never used it for anything anyway." "Look, I know the scene." "There is probably about a hundred of the little fuckers." "I'm not going to go after them, take it off them, then try and drag it back up the street and over the wall, with them all chucking stones at me and calling me names." "Just let them do their gathering." "Stop!" "Wait a second, you!" "Guys?" "Stop!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, did yous take a blue mattress from outside?" "Shut up, you!" "Look, come here, I don't care about the shed." "Did you take a mattress from down outside?" "Do you want a dig in the head, do you?" "Come on, lads." "Come on, lads!" "Come on, boys!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Here." "Did you see anyone put a mattress in there?" "Here, take your hands off him!" "Mary, some fuckin' weirdo's at your son." "No, no, no." "Mary!" "Look here, mister." "I'll knock the bollocks off you!" "You pedo!" "I'll tear strips off you and feed them to the dog!" "It either went in the fire or went in the recycling." "Unless that fella in the pub didn't send it to the recycling." "What?" "If he was lying." "About what?" "Sending it to the recycling." "And why'd you think that?" "Well, you could sort of tell, couldn't you?" "Well, why didn't you say anything?" "You never listen to me anyway." "Jesus." "Annie, I'm borrowing the car." "I'll drop it back to you later." "I've got the keys." "Eh, come on, get in." "Ah, for flip sake, a ball." "Here, hold that." "Go on, you get in." "You didn't go to the recycling center at all, did you?" "Tread lightly, Colm." "How much do they charge for a van?" "Colm, you gave me 60 quid to get rid of it for you." "That doesn't buy you the right to ask how I can make that profitable." "I'll give you another 20 if you tell me where you dumped it." "What do you want to know so much for?" "Because the thing's had sentimental value." "It just looked like old rubbish to me." "Fifty." "You're showing your hand now, Colm." "How much do you want to tell us where it is?" "Well, that's a big question, me dear." "I think maybe knowing Colm as I do, he wouldn't be this motivated to look for something just because his poor old Mommy had some sentimental attachment." "I'd say you've thrown out something of monetary value." "A ring maybe, in a drawer?" "An antique?" "And you're willing to pay up to nearly that value as long as it's still an oyster laying there for you." "So, until you tell me what's up there," "I can't give you a price now, can I?" " Up where?" " Tsk, tsk, tsk!" "Why don't you think about what your price is and we'll call you in the morning." "Hold on a second, he's just taking" "Shut up, Colm." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Call me in the morning and we'll work it out." "I'm going to call you at 10:00 in the morning, Arthur." "You better answer." "What the hell are you doing?" "You totally let him off the hook." "Oh, Jesus, Colm, can you not do anything right?" "You should stay out of it." "I could have done a deal with him." "Huh." "You have your dad's brains." "That's the best I can say about you." "I think I'll keep the car till the morning, will I?" "I don't fancy walking home from Annie's now." " We're not going home." " We're not?" "Do you see that white van?" "Yes, I see the white van." "I see that van in my sleep." "I'm fecking haunted by that white van." "Follow it." "Mom, you're a genius." "How did you crack that?" "After so many years, I've gotten to know how opportunistic chancers like that think." "Like Colm." "Where the hell's he going?" "Lovely friends you have, Colm." "This is where you go to bury a body, not dump old furniture." "I hate Halloween." "We have him now." "The dirty, lying head on you, Arthur." "People are going to hear about this." "Relax, will you?" "I was just worried somebody might have overheard us in the pub." "How would ya know where to look?" "Eh, everybody dumps shit along this stretch." "There were a load of gypos made a mess of it." "It's not here." "So it's a mattress you're after?" "Where's the fucking mattress, Arthur?" "It's not here." "What?" "Was there something in it?" " Money?" " Where did you put it?" "I threw everything out here, yours and another load." "Definitely some mattresses in it, but it's all been moved around." "Maybe the gypos were rooting' through it, or the corpo took it." "They'll be up in the morning, we should ask them." "How much was in it?" "Arthur, if you ask me that again" "I'm going to punch you in the face." "Do you believe in hell?" "I do." "It's living with Colm." "That's a fucking bed bottom, sure." "What are you doing?" "Can you even drive?" "Oh, I drove your granddad's car a few times... on Dollymount Strand." "Take that, Colm, you dope!" "Hi, Mom!" " Hi, Mom." " Say hi, everyone." " Hello!" " Hello!" "Oh, look, there's Michael." "I don't think I've ever seen those gloves on him before." "And here is Colm, lifting..." "lifting a box!" " It's a box of wool." " It happens to be heavy." "It's a heavy box of wool!" "You're not supposed to be lifting anything." "Here." "Jesus, Colm!" "Don't just feck it into the box!" "You're supposed to wrap and pack, wrap and pack." "Oh, it's a teasmade!" "Oh, Jesus!" " Your side now, Des." " Yeah." " Easy." "Easy!" " Sorry about that." "You're not directing it, you're either helping or you're not." " I'm helping!" " Oh, come on." "Oh, for fuck sake, seriously, what are you doing?" "Just checking me teeth." "Cleaning your teeth?" "Yeah, no, I-- Yeah, I understand that, but how many mattresses can you get in a day?" "And do you recycle?" "Hi, uh, just wait a sec." "What's the area that you cover?" "Mom, do you have money for the pizzas?" " I never ordered pizzas." " Colm did." " Well, let Colm pay for them." " He's on the phone, I think." " He'll be down for you in a minute." " Okay." "He gave me 50 percent off vouchers." "He said get one of yous to pay for the other half." "The other half?" "Cheeky bollocks." "What are yous doing?" "We're just..." "Planning something." "What is it, a treasure hunt?" "Excuse me." "It's a family matter, okay?" "Can you wait out in the hall, please?" "Yeah, okay." "Sorry." "Jesus." "Hello?" "We're going to have to start being more discreet about this." " Shush!" " Don't shush me, Michael." "I thought it might have been burnt, but I went around this morning and there's no sign of any mattress springs or anything, so it's out there somewhere." " What's he doing?" " Colm, can you" "Dublin Corporation said they might have cleared it to landfill, but it's impossible to know." "So, it's a blue mattress?" "Yes, Joe, cream and blue, and we'll pay a reward of 50,000 euro to anyone who can help us find it." " Colm, hang up the phone!" " Colm!" " Hang up the phone!" " Hello?" "Colm, are you still with us there?" "We seem to have lost Colm." "Hello, Colm?" "He's gone." "It was the best idea any of us have had." "Why don't you ask someone before you do these things, Colm?" "It's all of our money in that mattress, it's not just yours." " Idiot." " Don't call me an idiot." "Oh God, would you listen to this?" "Why would I give this fella back that money for 50 grand when I could just keep the lot?" "If it's in the tip, it's finders keepers." "Ah, now just hang on for two secs." "This is his elderly mother's life savings we're talking about." "You wouldn't just keep them for yourself, would you?" "She didn't find it necessary to spend it before now." "What's changed?" "I've been out of work for nearly two year, Joe." "I've got two kids to feed, me wife's on disability and I've got a gas bill that's going through the roof." "A million euro for putting a peg on me nose?" "Yes, please." "Des says there's only six landfills that it could be in." "So if we do one a day, do them well, worst case scenario is we'll have it in a week." "It's better that you're here, Mom." "You know what it looks like on a subconscious level." "You'll probably see it out of the corner of your eye." "I think you should have to search these places by yourself for being such a dope." "You're some cheeky little wagon, do you know that?" "I mean, where do you get off calling me a dope at 12 years of age?" "She's 13." "Don't talk to her like that." "Thirteen and she thinks she knows everything." "God, this looks busy." "Shit." "Bollocks." "That mattress has my name on it." "I'm not going home until I find that money." "There he is now." "Ah." "Buy him an old pint there, Jim, will you?" "Sure didn't he throw it all away." "Give us your autograph on that, will you?" "Around a million euro." "What?" "Why didn't you check the mattress?" "Um, what if someone robbed it?" "We've all been following the story this week of the missing mattress with a million euros stashed in it." "People up and down the country have been eagerly searching their local dumps in hope of finding Mrs. Annie Small's loot." "Annie's been good enough to join us in The Late Late Show audience tonight." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Annie." "It's also a big week for you birthday-wise." "What age are you going to be tomorrow?" "I'm going to be 80." "Well, the good news you'll be delighted to hear is that in a poll on the R.T.E. website ninety-one percent of people said that if they found the mattress they'd settle for the reward and give the rest back." "Hey, pizza guy!" "Come in, have a beer." "Don't be shy." " Close the door." " What's that?" "Open it, Mom." " Huh?" " It's a wool winder." "Hurry up, he's here." "Yeah, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming." "Forty-fifth" " Oh, jeez." "One, two, three, four..." "You look lovely, Mom." "Well, you gave me a little bit of notice this time." "Yeah, we didn't think you needed any more surprises." " Where is the fire?" "I hear there is a smoking-hot lady in here in need of a good hose." "Over here!" "Oh, yeah!" "Come here, Annie." "Mmm, you dirty little minx." " Ahhh!" " Oh, Jesus." "Ahhh!" " Whoo!" " Look at." "Whoo, yeah." "Whoo whoo whoo!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Ahh." "Ohh." "Oh, Jesus." "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday, dear Mom ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "Fire safety first." "That's a lot of candles, love." "Mind your hair now." "We don't want to torch the blue rinse." "No!" "No, no, no, no!" "Hey, come on." "I don't take off my clothes for free." " Yeah, we need to get paid, man." " Everybody throw in." " I don't have anything." " Seriously?" "I made the cake." " I bought the beer." " I put up the decorations." " I made you a good show?" " Yeah, you were deadly." "Don't eat any more cake, love." "You'll be sick." "Margaret, can you chip in to pay these guys?" "Yeah, of course." " How much are you short?" " 350." "Are you serious?" "!" "When are yous gonna grow up?" "Take it out of the mattress when we get it back." "Oh, I will, thanks, Colm, yeah." "I don't have 350." "I'll have to write you a check." " What?" " Nan wants you." " For what?" " The lotto." " What day is it?" " Wednesday." "Oh, shite." "I never got a ticket." " What's the jackpot?" " Four and a half million." " Oh, shite." " Nan got tickets." " Did she?" " Yeah." "It's on now." "Oh ho ho, if you're not in, you can't win." "I can't believe you didn't get me one." "I always get you one." "Good evening, everyone." "I'm Ella..." "Sorry." "Here, you can have this one." "No, go on." "It's yours." "Well, if we win, we'll split it." "Not at all." "I had a dream we won." "Did you?" "Yeah, with these numbers." "When I woke up I wrote them out and" "Okay, ho ho, shush shush." "It's coming on." "So check those tickets carefully, and the best of luck to all of you." "Jesus, she's gorgeous, isn't she?" "The first ball in tonight's lotto is number 20." " Any luck there, Mom?" " I don't think so." " No." " ...number 23." "No, wait." " I got them." " ...and we have number 14." " Both of them?" " I have 14, too." "You got three numbers?" "You got three numbers!" "...followed by number one." "And one!" "You got four numbers, Mom!" "You got four numbers!" "Oh, shush shush shush." "What did she say?" " What did she say?" " 16." "We have five numbers!" "That's about a quarter of a million!" "We just need one more." "Come on, the six numbers!" "And the sixth ball is number 25." "And the bonus ball is number 20." "Whoo whoo!" "Mom!" "Mom, you fucking did it!" "You fucking did it!" "Oh, Ella, I knew you'd have something good for me." "Tonight's winning numbers..." "Hold on, hold on." "Double check." "Double check." "Whoo!" "I knew!" "I knew we wouldn't be poor forever!" "I told you!" "Are you sure you got them right?" "Yeah!" "I checked them twice." " We have them all." " What do you mean "we"?" "I thought you said the ticket was mine and that you wouldn't split it?" "Huh?" "Well, if it's yours, you're going to have to share it with the rest of them." "It's me and you, Mommy." "The lotto's always been me and you." "Are you sure you got the numbers?" " Huh?" " Maybe you should watch it again." "Watch it again just to be sure." "And now let's play lotto..." "It's good, isn't it?" "Digital television, just like watching it live." "You were recording it?" "Oh yeah, we recorded this ages ago." ""I knew." "I knew we wouldn't be poor forever!"" "It was last week's draw, you dummy." "So we didn't win?" "We bought a ticket with numbers from last week's draw, just to wind you up." "All I want is to be allowed to live with a little bit of dignity." "That's funny, is it?" "To want socks with no holes in them, money to get a little car, and not to have to live with my mother all my life with everyone laughing at me." "Yous are a shower of bastards." "And coming up after the break, cash-strapped locals in Kildare find the missing mattress everyone's been looking for, and how Waterford hurlers are preparing for Sunday's..." "They found it." "They found it in Kildare!" "You stupid." "The infamous mattress containing the missing life savings of 79-year-old retired schoolteacher Annie Small was discovered here at the Ballybeg waste processing center outside of Celbridge." "Local man Graham Gaffney was surprised to find the sum of money hidden inside the mattress was not quite as substantial as many had been led to believe." "Graham, what exactly did you find?" "When I saw the first few notes I knew straightaway that was it." "And, uh..." "I was dancing, Joe." "And two of the other lads helped me drag it down into the yard." "I offered them 10 grand each for their trouble like, you know?" "And we cut it up and..." "let me put it to you this way:" "there wasn't 20 grand there for the lads like, far from it." "How much did you get, Graham?" "670 euros, mostly in fivers." "And are you disappointed, Graham?" "Well, I did see her on The Late Late Show with me own eyes and she did say a million, so I felt a bit cheated, to be honest with you." "But 670 euros are not bad for a day's work in the tip." "Better than a slap in the face with a wet fish." "There was at least 900,000 euros" "In that mattress." "Aw, for God's sake." "Give it up, will you?" " I know what I had." " You saved up 600 quid." "And you know what?" "Well done." " That's more than I ever saved." " I know what I had." "You don't remember things perfectly anymore." "That's life." "Nobody's angry at you." "Why should anybody be angry at me?" "You're the feckin' idiot who threw all my stuff out!" "Aw, Jesus." "Turn it on me, why don't you?" "Do you understand you've had us all on a wild goose chase?" "The whole country." "Don't you say one more word to me, Colm." "It's on the radio too." "You get to an age where all you want to believe is the world still cares about you." "Tell me if I'm wrong, Adrian." "And didn't she hit the jackpot with this one, the attention she got?" "I mean the lunacy." "Fifteen hundred people in one dump alone crawling over rats, looking for a piss-stained mattress on the word of some mad old one for 600 euro?" "This country is bollocksed." "I can't believe they put it in the main news." "Everybody knows that was us." "I always said this family would be famous." "Yeah, fools for life." "Are you all right?" "There weren't any stains on that mattress." "Come back downstairs." "Everyone's worried about you." "Worried I'm not going to die soon enough." "And how many milliliters of milk do we add?" "Emma?" "Um..." "Six hundred?" "Are you sure it's not closer to a million?" "Come on." "Hi, Mom." "Come on, say hi to Nan, kids." " What are you doing?" " Did Colm not tell you?" "I'm just going to come home for a bit while I get a new place organized." "We'll set up in the good room." "You won't even know we're here." "Hi." "Just can't deal with that bastard bank anymore." "Did you see this?" "Yeah." "But did you see this?" "It isn't it." "The color's right, but the pattern is different, and there's no label on the side." "It's a different mattress." "What?" "Don't tell anyone." "The red pins had swarms of people looking through them." "The blue pins are for places that were closed." "The green ones don't take bulk waste." "What are yous doing?" "Nothing." "Where are yous going?" "Nowhere." "Just out for the day." "We should be near it now." "Do you see a sign of any kind?" "No, it's more up there." "No, it's here, it's here." "No, it's up there." "No, 'cause we were passing and then I saw the sign that said "swords" and it said like, 12km." "No." "What are you going to do with the money if we find it?" "When we find it." "What are you going to do with the money when we find it?" "What are we going to do with it?" "What are we going to do with the money when we find it?" "Spend it." "Hey!" "Yous aren't looking for a mattress, are you?" "They already found it." "It was in the papers yesterday." "There was only 600 quid in it." "We'll have to leave and get a bu" " Are you paying attention?" " Yeah." "Come on, watch this now." "Okay, so we'll get the bus here." "There you go." "Where have you been?" "!" "Just out for the day." " Shhhh." " Don't shush me, Des." "The kids." "Everyone's been worried sick looking for you both." "We didn't even know if you two were together." "Well, we were." "Good night." "What the hell were you doing?" "Nothing." "Let's just go." "What's this?" "Dunno." "It's our map of the dumps." "They found it." "You saw it on the television." "I know what's going on." "Mom's had another senile turn, and Emma, as usual, is humoring her." "You're not doing her any favors by encouraging her." "Come on, you've got school in the morning." " Yeah, yeah." " Oh, that's lovely." "A sure sign you're spending too much time with Colm." "Look, it's one thing leading everyone up the garden path with this mattress thing and having the whole country laughing at us." "But now she's turned Into a crazy old woman, rooting around In rubbish tips." " I mean, enough is enough." " I'm saving some money now that I'm not paying my mortgage any more." "Maybe I could chip in for a home or something." "We can't put her in a home, guys." "She's not leaving us much choice." "Maybe you get a chance to go live your life again, but you know all the mistakes you made so you can do everything the right way second time around." "Maybe you get a chance to live again, but to do all the things you really wanted to do... even if they're the wrong things." "Maybe you get to go live your life again and this time you know what everybody else is thinking," "So you know if they're lying, or if they like you, or they have some money hidden in their mattress and they're not telling you." "Trust me, you wouldn't want to know what people are thinking." "It's bad enough what comes out of their mouths." "Maybe you get sent somewhere where all the rubbish you ever threw out is all piled up and you're stuck there until you clean it up." "That's where your granddad is now, picking fag butts and whiskey bottles out of a giant mound of bookie slips." "Why did you marry him If he was such a drunk?" "He wasn't a drunk when I married him." "Oh." "Must have been me, huh?" "No." "Actually, probably was." "We went down to Kerry on our honeymoon." "There were barely even any roads there." "But your granddad loved the country." "His dad fought in the war of independence down there." "He was always telling him stories about fighting and hiding, and sitting in pubs through the night planning ambushes." "I was only complaining about the rain, the cold and... wanting to come home." "But then one day he..." "He took me up, up onto the top of these cliffs looking out on the Skellig Rock." "It was like the edge of the world, with the wind coming in off the Atlantic." "I could hardly catch my breath." "And he was shouting something to me over the wind." "And I couldn't hear what he was saying." "He was probably just saying it was time to go back, but..." "I like to think..." "He was saying that he loved me." "I'll miss seeing what a great character you turn out to be, Em." "I'm disgusted." "It's like leaving a party just when it's getting good." "You can't." "Eighty years... there's no escaping it." "Don't ever do that again" " Oh!" "oh!" " Stop it, I'm serious!" " How much per month?" " Get down from there." " And that includes the knitting club?" " Yeah, for five days a week." " Right, yeah yeah." "And it says here a "gated community."" "You do that one more time, you're never having that drink again, okay?" " She's beginning to wander a bit." " Right, give me that." " Okay, I'll come back to you on that." " Give it to me, will you?" "Okay." "Stop that." "You are in big trouble." "You are in big trouble, Young-- oh!" "Young lady." "Will you get down from the table?" "Oh!" "Get down from the table." "Get down from the table now!" "Maybe you didn't save up all that money and the mattress they found was yours." "Did you ever even consider that?" "I'm senile, is that it?" "No, just-- Maybe you made a mistake." "In which case, at least we didn't throw out a million quid." "Go home." "I'm not in the mood for babysitting you." "Could you let us off here?" "Yeah, no problem." "Look, I'm not in the mood for wind-ups." "It's past a joke." "Colm!" "You got it, you got it!" "You got it!" "You got it, ha ha ha!" "Whoa." "Hiya." "What?" "Go harder!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Oh, mind, Colm!" " Stop!" " Got you." "Ah, no." "Mom." "Mom?" "There's some people at the door." "They said they want to speak to you." "What?" "Stop it!" " Okay, come on." " Mommy, I want to play with it." "Stop!" "Surprise!" "Whoo-hoo!" "What's wrong, Mom?" "You're not happy?" "There isn't really a million euros in it." "I just said that so yous'd take me seriously." "It's more like... a few hundred thousand." "Better than a slap in the face with a wet fish!" "Out of the way." "The mattress has landed." "Pull it up there." "Annie, don't..." "Where did you get it?" "Colm found it." "Well done, son." "Come on." " Who's going for champagne?" " Way ahead of you." "Three bottles of the Bollinger, coming up!" "Guys, it's Mom's money." "You can't start spending it." "Oh stop, will you?" "It's a drop in the ocean." "That's exactly the reason she didn't tell us in the first place." "That's not the reason at all." "She was just keeping it as a surprise." "Isn't that right, Mom?" "Oh my God, yous are unbelievable." "Shut up you, will you?" "Can we not have 10 minutes of fun without you judging us all the time?" "Don't tell me to shut up, Colm." "Spare me, Margaret." "You're coming in here, you think you're that much above everyone else." "It's not your money to spend." "You just became the financial regulator for the family?" "One of us has to be, but in this case I'll make an exception." " Go get the champagne." " Did you hear that, lads?" "Get it quick before she changes her mind." "Let's celebrate!" "Whoo-hoo!"