"A beautiful Sunday, we're sitting here like idiots." "We should be playing golf." "Yeah." "How do you work a glue gun?" "Oh, yeah, like I know how to work a glue gun." "Should we try going to a public course?" "On a Sunday it'd be a long wait." "When do you think I'm gonna hear from the new club?" " Thursday." " My interview went very well." "I thought mine went great too." " It did?" " Yeah!" " Did you have the tall blond guy?" " Two guys." " I think they took a shine to me." " Took a shine to you?" " I really do." " Okay." "I don't know what to do without golf." "When I'm done with this paper," " I'm gonna wander the streets." " Wow." "You wanna get the violin out?" " Get the violin out." " That's pretty sad, yeah." "Another thing, I'd love to get to this Dodger game tomorrow night." " I called everybody I know." " You did?" " Yep." "Nothing." " Nothing?" "Everybody at Dodger Stadium, from top to bottom, nobody's got tickets." "It's gonna be some game." "I know." "I wanna go too." "It's too bad we got kicked out of that golf club." "Marty Funkhouser has two season tickets to the Dodgers." "His father just died." "He's probably not even going." "He hasn't even gone back to work yet." "So he's not gonna go to the game." "So what's gonna happen to those tickets?" "They'll go to waste." "It is weird to ask a guy, you know his father just died," " can we use your tickets?" " It is kind of tacky to do that." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Huh." "Still, I mean... it doesn't hurt to ask." "It might be a way to..." "What do you do, just call him up and say, "Hey?"" ""Marty, I know you're still in mourning..."" "Right." "I'm sure you're still in..." ""Marty, I know you're still in mourning, but is there any..."" ""I feel your grief, but are you gonna use those tickets?"" ""Marty, just so your tickets don't go to waste."" "There's no good way to go about it, none." "Still..." "You know every Sunday he has brunch over at Nat's." "Well, we gotta get some breakfast anyway, right?" "We just say hello, we happen to run into him." "Let's get breakfast." "Maybe we'll run into him, say hello." "We'll feel it out, check him out." "Zip in, zip out, say hello." "If the subject of baseball comes up, it comes up, that's all." "Ah, see him?" "See him?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it's tougher than I thought, but hopefully" " in a few weeks, I'll feel better." " Look at this!" " Hey, hey." " Look-a here." "Look what's going on here." "Do me a favor, call me back and we'll play maybe." "Bye." " Hey!" " How you doing, Lar?" "Good to see you guys." " I can't believe you come in here." " I eat here all the time." " I used to eat here with my dad." " Oh..." " Yeah." " I've never seen you guys here before." "We were talking about it, I thought I'd try it out." " We were hungry." " Yeah." " It's great food." " Yeah, what's good?" "I always order the turkey." "Little turkey action today." " Little turkey action today?" " Turkey today." "I just can't eat today." "I've lost five lbs." "in two days." "I have no appetite." "By the way, you know," "I'd just like to apologize again" " about the whole 5-wood incident and..." " It's forgotten." " I hit the shit out of that club." " I know you do." "You know that." "You've seen me hit that club." " Let's not talk about the 5-wood." " All right." " You guys get into Beverly Park?" " Not yet." "We interviewed." "We're waiting to hear." " Waiting to hear." " Good luck." " Great course, have you played it?" " Uh no, I'm a Jew." "Ah, funny." "Oh, hey, who do you like in the Dodger game tomorrow night?" "It's gonna be tough, it should be a great game." " Yeah." " It's sold out." "It's a shame about your dad and all because, well, you're probably... just not up for going to the game, I guess, huh?" "No, I decided I'm gonna go." " No kidding?" " Good for you." "He would have wanted me to go." " I think that's true." " Mm-hmm." " Don't you?" " He would have, most certainly." "Hey, if you're a little lonely, you need a little companionship at the game, if you want me to keep you company, I'd be happy to do it." "I don't have a seat for you." " What about your dad's seat?" " It's spoken for." " Okay, all right." " Okay, well, you have a good time." " Great seeing you guys." " Turkey, gonna get the turkey." " You're gonna love it." " Good, thank you." " Where are those seats anyway?" " Uh, they're third base, field level." "Hmm." "Okay." "Hey, you know what?" "If you hear of anything..." "Where am I gonna hear of anything?" "Sometimes you hear that so-and-so's got an extra ticket." " The game's tomorrow." " Okay, well, if the person who you're taking might drop out, you know..." "No dropping out." "The tip, remember the weatherman's tip?" "The statute of limitations has gotta be up on that, no?" "You're still asking about the golf tip?" "Forget it." "Daddy-o!" "Hey hey." "You, wearing that old "Seinfeld" jacket?" " Oh, this?" " Yeah, you're still wearing that thing?" "I'm trying to get out of jury duty today." "I'd do it, but I'm in the middle of rehearsals for "The Producers."" "That can help you get out of jury duty?" "They hate people in the entertainment industry." "They don't want them serving, so I thought what the hell?" "And they'll look at the "Seinfeld" jacket" " and throw you out?" " Yeah." "All right." " Hello, darling." " Hello, darling." "Hello, look who's here, my beautiful wife." "I know that girl from someplace." "She looks very familiar." "I'm glad I caught you." " Yeah." " What are you doing?" " I gotta go downtown." " Oh, for jury duty." "It's hard to get out of these things." "I don't know what," "I'm gonna have to make something up." "I would serve if they made me the foreman, but..." "Yeah, I don't think you get to choose." "I can't serve under another foreman." "That's not gonna work." "No, and then what are you doing?" "I'm gonna go..." "I guess I'll go to Jeff's house and watch the game." "Would you rather go to the game?" "I got you tickets." "What, are you kidding me?" "Where did you get these from?" "You know what, I'm not gonna reveal my sources." "But just trust me, they're good." "I got you two tickets." "That's pretty high up in the alphabet." " Okay, then, you know what..." " I'm just joking around." " You wanna go with me?" " No no." "Go with Jeff." "I know you guys were working on tickets." " That is so nice." " Oh oh." " Thank you, that's so nice of you." " Well, you guys have fun." "Okay." " You got a wonderful girl there." " Yeah." "What are you doing, "TV Guide" crossword puzzle?" "Yeah." "Tell you the truth," "I'm having so much trouble with the glaucoma, the pressure on the eyes..." "All right, look, I've told you 10 times already." " Let me get you some marijuana." " No, come on." " Try the marijuana." " Again, marijuana." "Will you stop?" "Do I look like some kind of beatnik?" "I'm not gonna... with the marijuana." "What beatnik?" "It's good for glaucoma..." "make you feel better." "Medication is..." "it's not working." "You take a couple of puffs, you'll feel better, so what?" "Is that bad?" "Why should you be in pain like that?" "All right, will you stop nudging me about that, I..." "Just do it." "If I get it, will you do it?" " Where you gonna get this?" " I have no idea." "You gonna go out on the street and pick up..." "I don't know how I'm gonna get it, but I'm gonna get it for you, okay?" "If you'll do it with me." "I'm not gonna have any, but you will." " All right." " I'll see you later." "All right, right." "Ms. Whitaker, have you ever served on a jury before?" "No." "Have you ever been the victim of a crime?" "No." "Is there any reason you can think of that you would not be able to decide this case" " in a fair and impartial manner?" " No." " Okay, thank you for your time." " Absolutely." "Moving on, Your Honor." "Could you state your name, sir?" " Larry David." " Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon." "Counselor Condon, nice to meet you." "Uh, have you ever served on a jury before?" "No." "Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?" "My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me." "It was upsetting at the time, but, um..." "I don't think that would be considered a serious crime." "Is there any reason you can think of that you would not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?" "I don't know if I could be impartial, Mr. Condon, given that the defendant is a Negro." "Problem?" "Good afternoon, good afternoon." "Uh, I couldn't help but notice the, uh... the transaction between you and the... the other gentleman, and uh..." "What exactly were you thinking of?" "A little, uh, a little weed going, you know." "Some weed?" "Yeah, I got it." "I got it, yeah, you know." " First of all, calm down a little." " Sure." "Just, you know, relax, just..." "Yeah, no, I'm..." "I'm..." "Create the illusion that we're friends talking here, all right?" "You kidding me?" "You know what?" "You're 100% right." "That's too much, all right, that, yeah." "Okay, you're doing fine." "Just chill out." "I can get you an ounce of, like, some real, you know, hydroponic scientific stuff, but that'll run you $500 bucks." " Hydroponic?" " Yeah." "I'm not looking for a sound system, my friend." " Hydroponic." " You know what I mean?" "Just looking to get my father a little... a little relief." "Let's play it safe." "I'll give you an ounce of schwag." " Schwag?" " It'll cost you $200 bucks." " An ounce of schwag, $200." " $200." "Is that a fair price you're quoting me there, sir?" "Look, you can pay me $200 bucks or go fuck yourself." "Okay, well..." "Look, I don't need to sell the drugs, the drugs'll sell themselves." " Sure." " You know, forget it." " No, let's do schwag." "Schwag." " Just keep walking." "No, no, Schwag, $200, okay, I got it." "I got it." "So what do we do, what happens now?" " You got $200 on you?" " Yes, yes." "All right, take out the $200 bucks." " I'll count to three, where is it?" " It's right here." " Let me..." "let me put my hand on it." " Just give me your money, sir." "One... hold it." "You're not letting me put my hand..." "Your hand is on it." " All right." " One, two, three." " All right, now keep walking." " Okay." " Any particular direction?" " Just just just please move." "Which...?" "Just walk, just walk, just walk." "Jesus Christ." "I gotta go this way." "Just go, just go." "What?" "Oh, Jeff, you're not going to the game?" "What are you kidding?" "Oh my God." "No, it took me so long in court, now I can't even ask Cheryl to go." "Aw, you should see the traffic." "The only thing moving is the carpool lane." "I'll never make it." "I'm just gonna go home." "I'm not gonna use the carpool lane by myself." "'Cause I..." "I don't want to." "That's the difference between you and me." "All right, goodbye." "Hey, Daddy." "You wanna date with Mama?" "Get in the car." " So, what's your name?" " Monena." "What you..." "what you into today?" "A little lollipop love?" "A little digging for diamonds?" "See, actually, I'm not really interested in any sex, per se." "Per... you one of them freaky motherfuckers or something?" "To tell you the truth, what I'd like to do is I wanna go to Dodger Stadium and, uh, I wanna go to the game and I'll pay you for your time." "What?" "Five hours it'll be." "You just want me to sit in the car?" "Just sit in the car, that's all you have to do." "Oh, you a crazy son of a bitch." "All right, $1,000." "$1,000." "What, are you kidding me?" " That's, uh..." " $200 an hour?" "Exactly, I can give four blowjobs an hour." " Four blowjobs an hour?" " Yes, I'm good." "I drove a cab, used to drive around for two hours." "I couldn't get a fare." "You're getting four blowjobs in an hour?" "Yes, honey, you done picked up the best." "Honey, I got a red snapper that talks to you." "You know what it's saying?" "I'm charging way too much." "$750 and take me to the game." "I'm going to the game then." "I can't take you to the game, Monena." "I'm terribly sorry, I only have one ticket." "$750... you know this is not fair!" "Listen, you're unhappy." "I'm unhappy too." "That's what a good compromise is all about." "Are you familiar with Henry Clay?" "No, I don't know no Henry Clay." "What'd he say?" "He was the Great Compromiser." "This is a good compromise." " It is not a good compromise..." " A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied and I think that's what we have here." "Boy, look at this." "We are really zipping along here." "I'm gonna make this game." " This is great." " I thought you only had one ticket." "That's two tickets." "I'm meeting a friend there actually." "No, I'm gonna go to the game or you're gonna take me back to the corner or I'm gonna call my motherfucking pimp." "How 'bout that?" "Yeah!" "Yeah, I didn't think so." "Let's go to the game." "Ow, baseball!" "I ain't never been to no baseball game." "This gonna be cute." "All right, well, pull... pull your thing up over there." "Make yourself presentable." "You know you're gonna have to feed me." "I want two hot dogs, a bag of peanuts and a milkshake." " They got milkshakes?" " I don't know if they have milkshakes." "Hey, don't put your wallet away 'cause you know I'm gonna get hungry again." " And that's..." " Stop talking for a second, would you?" "I know the seats ain't way the fuck up here." "You got a problem with the seats?" "You said we had good seats, club seats and shit." "We're way the fuck up." "Shit." "There are a lot worse things you could be doing." " Whatever." " Let's just watch the game." "Charge!" "What you looking at?" "My friend Marty Funkhouser sitting next to an empty seat." "He said he was taking somebody to the game." "Oh, I know you ain't looking around like you scared somebody gonna recognize you or some shit." " Trying to act like you ain't with me?" " No, what are you saying?" " I will pull a titty out in this thing." " Don't..." " I will pull a titty out..." " Don't you dare do that." " Act like you with me then." " I'm with you, I'm with you." " I'm acting like I'm with you." " Okay, cool." " That's better like that." "I will..." " No, don't." "That's better." "Okay." "All right, yeah." "All right, yeah." " Shit!" " Who are they?" "Two guys who interviewed me for this golf club." "You know what?" "I gotta get out of here." " I'll be back." " I'm not playing with you." " You better come back." " I'll come back, don't worry." "If I'm not back, I'll meet you at the car after the game." "What the fuck are you looking at?" "Batting for the Atlanta Braves, the catcher, Javy Lopez." "Ball one, all right, three more of those and we force one in." " Hey, Marty." " Hey, Larry, I see you got a ticket." "Yeah, the seats really stink though." " I-I'm sitting all the way up there." " What can l..." "Oh, there's a hit." "Oh, foul ball." "Hey, what a great game, huh?" " Is anybody sitting there?" " No." " Can I join you?" " No." "Why not?" "Well, uh, it's a seat for my father." "Your father's dead." "It's a memorial." "We used to go to games together." "It makes me feel close to him." "It's to honor him." "Oh, no!" "Home run, yeah!" " Come on, Marty, let me sit there." " I can't let you sit there." " What, are you kidding?" " No, I'm not kidding." " You're not gonna let me sit there?" " Not even for a minute!" "Are you nuts?" "Right fielder..." " Thanks, Marty." " Gary Sheffield." "Thanks." " Oh, you back fast." " I told you I'd come back." "You did, you did." "There you go." "Now I bought us some popcorn." "You're a sport." "We gotta go out more often, really." "I gotta pay you back." "Yeah, you don't give a shit." "No, I..." "If you're ever looking for a good blowjob at a reasonable rate... she's your gal." "That was good." "You got some big..." "oh, you a pimp." "Larry, Larry, come here a minute please." "One second." "You're not gonna believe this, but my car won't start." "Oh my God." "What a shame." "It is." "Listen, I've gotta pick up someone at the airport." "And I know it's on the way." "Can you give me a lift, please?" "Why don't you ask your father to help you jump start the car?" "Hey, Leo, why don't you give him a push?" "I'm sorry about the ballgame." "It was emotion." "Just give me a ride." "Let's not go through this, please." "There's one little problem." "I'm with a prostitute." "My eyes are closed." "I'll sit in the back, do what you want." "I didn't pick her up for sex." "I picked her up so I could use the diamond lane, so I can get to the stadium on time for the game." "I buy it." "Just give me a lift to the airport, please." "All right, I'll tell you what," " I'll take you." " Oh, that's so great." "But I want the weatherman's golf tip." "That's the only thing I can't do." " Eh, your friend will take a cab." " Okay, wait." "Done deal." " Let's go." " Okay..." " take your normal stance." " All right." "Forget everything you've ever thought about golf." "Thanks a million for the ride." "I gotta go." " I'm coming in with you." " Nice meeting you, Winona." " I'm gonna use the bathroom." " How long you gonna be?" " I'll be two minutes." " What if the security people come" " and tell me to move the car?" " Drive around." "Keep driving around and around." "You in overtime, this is some bullshit." "Hey, do me a favor," "Just hold on to my jacket when I use the bathroom." "Why don't you bring it in there?" "Where am I gonna put it?" "What if they don't have hooks?" "It's not my marijuana!" "I was just holding the jacket!" "What are you doing?" "This isn't even my jacket!" "It doesn't even fit me!" "Get your hands off of me!" "Easy!" "Get that dog away from me!" "What took you so damn long?" "Marty got arrested for marijuana." " You're bullshitting." " I'm not bullshitting." "I asked him to hold my jacket and there was marijuana in the pocket." "You had marijuana in your pocket?" "I bought it for my father for his glaucoma." "I bought it this afternoon and I forgot, I completely forgot!" "You don't need no damn marijuana." "I got the best shit in town." "You should have said some shit." " Chronic." " Put that down." "Are you crazy?" "There's cops all over the place here." "That's some good shit right there." " Chronic." " This is schwag." " What the fuck is schwag?" " Schwag." " You don't even know what you bought." " I bought fucking schwag, okay?" "You don't even know what the fuck schwag is." "Have you ever bought it before?" " Huh?" " Schwag?" "Yeah." "This is chronic, okay?" "It's gonna clear your daddy's eyeball problem and shit." "We gonna hook Daddy up." "Put that on my motherfucking bill... that ain't free." "Okay?" " Okay?" " Got a little..." "little problem." ""Little problem..."" "I don't quite have enough cash to pay you tonight." "But I'm, you know, I'm totally good." "I'll pay you tomorrow." "I'll come to your house..." "Tomorrow?" "This ain't motherfucking pussy on layaway!" "You better take your little trying-to-trick-a-bitch ass in there to the motherfucking A.T.M. machine." "I can't 'cause I went to the A.T.M. machine this morning." "I already took out $500." "There's a limit." "I am not fucking around with you." "You know how much money you owe me?" " I thought we were "cool de la."" " That's "cool de la" shit?" " I thought we're cool de la." " You trying to be hip all and shit." "I'll tell you what I'll do with you, okay?" " What you gonna do?" " Okay, here's what I'll do." "We'll go to my father's house, get some cash, settle, everything clean, okay?" " I'm not going to your daddy's house." " What's the big deal?" "You're dragging me around all day and ain't paid me nothing." "I took you to a baseball game tonight." "None of that good shit." "We sat up in them fucked up seats way up there." " Fucked up seats?" " You bought me one little hot dog." "Yeah yeah, which you proceeded to blow." "Hey." " So late at night, for heaven's sake." " What, I was at the game." "I was just about to go to bed." " Did you watch the game?" " Nah, watch the game." "It's just so blurry I can't watch." "Um..." "I got the stuff." " Listen..." " This is it." " That, uh..." " Huh?" " That's the stuff?" " I got it, okay?" "Yeah." " This is a joint." " It's a reefer." "Yeah, absolutely." "You light it up." "You go like this." "Put it in your mouth..." " You gotta inhale." " Hold it in your lungs." "Hold it inside." "And then..." " See how long I did that for?" " That's a long time." " Not a cigarette where you're like..." " Oh, okay, so, um..." " I'm getting dizzy just from that." " Yeah yeah, so..." " So you do that a couple of times..." " Yes yes." "and then turn the TV on and see what it looks like." "I'll leave this here." " Do you have any cash?" " Yes, I got cash on me." " What do you need?" " Hundreds." "No, I don't have that kind of cash." " How much do you have?" " I got around $35-40." "Wait wait wait, let me put this away." "Wait, oh my God, don't-don't... don't answer." " Hello." " What are you doing?" " I'm coming in." " No no..." "I told you about putting me in..." " You always got me waiting in the car." " I got it." " I don't want you coming in here." " I'm coming in there." "You tripping!" "What's wrong with you?" "Oh look at your cute little daddy, yeah." " Uh, this is a friend of mine." " Okay, hi!" "This is Monena." "She's uh... a friend." " That's your friend?" " We went to the game together." "She's a friend of Cheryl's." "Cheryl couldn't make it so I took Monena." " So you went with another girl?" " No, it's Cheryl's friend." "Look, sweetie, we brought you a little eye medicine." "This your dad?" "We gonna hook you right up." "Little Daddy got the little eye problem." "Look what we got for you." "Oh, that's a joint." "Yeah, this is a joint." "Very good, Daddy." "Chronic." " I have a joint." " That's very good, honey." "You want to go sit down and smoke it?" "She's a lot of fun." "You two, you two go sit and smoke." "No no no, I want you to do it too, you know?" "You have to do it too." " Yeah!" " Uh, okay." " Okay." " All right, it's okay." "Come on, Daddy." "That's right, this is Bubonic Chronic." "This is real good for you." "Oh, good good!" "No, no more, no more." "I want to tell you what this is." " What is it?" " That's good shit." "You're crazy!" ""That's some good shit!"" "I wonder what it is to smoke bad shit." " We're gonna do some Ebonics." " Ebonics?" "Just say this." ""Dis chronic is the shiznik."" "Dis chronic is the shizmik." " The shizmik!" " Shizmik." " For shizzle my nizzle." " For shizzle my... that sounds almost Yiddish to me." "Yiddish Ebonics." "Yeah yeah, you holding on too long." "Look at that." "He blew the scene." "Gei kucken ahfen yam." "Gei kucken ahfen yam." "How about "He's a meshuggener"?" " Me..." " "Meshuggener."" ""Meshuggener?" What's that, Ebonics too?" "What are you looking at?" "You see something?" "Huh?" "What did I do?" "You know what you did." "You did nothing!" "If you want me to do something just tell me." "You gotta change the diet." "I told you about that." "I don't want the red meat." "You're eating the red meat." "I don't like that." "I'm doing the best I can." "Go to a doctor." "Get yourself a checkup." "Colonoscopy." "Are you afraid to get a colonoscopy?" "What's the matter with you?" " I'm sorry." " Everybody gets it." "Get a colonoscopy!" "l-l..." "I'm really gonna do it." "You know something?" "You're a good human being." "Oh, thank you, Nat." "And you know, I love him too." "He is my boy." "Fucking faggot!" "You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up." "You gonna get a card?" " Okay." " You're not gonna get a card." "You're not gonna do a fuckin' thing!" "I'll try and do better, I will." "TV TV TV, that's all you like to do!" " Read a fucking book!" " You're right, you know everything." "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" " What happened to her?" " Making a phone call." " She's a very nice girl." " Oh, yeah." "You know something?" "This stuff?" "I can see." " I swear to you, I'm not lying to you." " Really?" "You're coming through so crystal clear." "You're kidding me." "Really?" "It's a miracle." "I swear to you it's a miracle." " That's fantastic." " All right, you ready to go?" "Oh my God." "It's a hooker!" "All you have to do, Larry, is get up there and tell the truth." " Okay." " That's it, okay." " It wasn't your jacket." " Just keep me out of this completely." "It was Larry's jacket, it was Larry's grass." " He's on trial, I'm not." " Right, it was your pot for your father's glaucoma." "You know, you could be a little more grateful." " I did come and get you off the hook." " Thanks a million." "Why didn't you tell me there was grass in the jacket?" " I didn't know there was grass in it." " You didn't?" " You bought it." " I forgot." "Guys, I just need you to be earnest." "The judge has to find you a credible witness." "Where is my jacket, by the way?" " I don't know." " You were the last to wear it." "Who gives a shit about your jacket?" "I'm sure you can get another one." "You know I know the way out." "Holy shit." "Oh, Mr. Baseball," "Mr. Owe-Monena-$200." "You said five hours and it was seven, honey." "You still owe me $200." "I want my 200 skrilla." " Okay." " This is your anniversary present?" "No no, see, I was going to the ballgame..." "I want my money, baby." "I need my skrilla." " You got any cash?" " Maybe 20." " You got any cash?" " I got nothing." "All rise for the Honorable Judge George Nagel." "Is that the judge?" " Yeah, that's him." " Oh no." "Well, Mr. David, what do you have to say for yourself?" "Well, you see, Your Honor, my father has this condition."