" Dan, where are we now?" " Three miles from the Pole." " We'll be there in one minute." " How easy will it be to land?" "We're looking for some ice that's long enough, strong enough." " What are the chances of getting down?" " Pretty good." " By the Pole?" " Yeah, probably right at the Pole." "The first problem is where to plant your pole." "The North Pole is on a moving sea of ice, so where the Pole is now may not be where it is in an hour's time." "That's why, as the Americans might say, "0nce you've got it, flaunt it."" "This is it." "I'm standing on the top of the world at the North Pole where the time is, well, the time's anything you want it to be here!" "The temperature's minus 25 degrees centigrade, so I won't hang around." "I'm making a journey from here to the South Pole, which is in every direction." "If I went that way I'd go through Japan." "If I went that way I'd go through India." "But we've chosen a route that way - 30 degrees east line of longitude down through Russia and Africa." "It's gonna be a hell of a long journey, but er..." "let's go!" "I hadn't expected things to be such a rush." "The pilot won't turn his engines off in the cold." "I'd like to write postcards but he wants to be off while we still have fuel left." "And you don't argue with the pilot." "Not at the North Polel" "The plane we're in was designed in the 1950s." "0ur lives depend on it." "There are no airstrips, no control towers, no emergency vehicles below us." "There is rapidly changing weather, intense cold and miles of frozen ocean." "And this is just the beginning." "We chose the 30 degree east line of longitude because it covers the most land, running through the great cities of St Petersburg, Istanbul and Cairo." "We'll travel down the Nile, to Khartoum, Lake Tanganyika and Cape Town." "From one extreme of the earth to the other." "Even if everything works, we have almost half a year's travelling ahead of us." "After 13 hours flying over the Arctic 0cean, the sight of the settlement of Ny Aalesund on the island of Spitzbergen is a relief." "Many Arctic expeditions began here, and some, like Amundsen's last flight, never returned." "We ourselves touch down with only minutes' worth of fuel left." "We may not have run out of fuel, but we have run out of good weather." "There's nothing to do but wait, and waiting is what the Arctic is all about." "It's two days before the blizzards let up." "We've made it an unwritten rule not to use air transport if there's any alternative." "The only alternative out of here is by the modern version of dogs and sledges - snowmobiles and sledges." "It's an unusual journey and, as one of our Norwegian guides explains, it demands unusual precautions." "We have to carry guns in case the polar bears are hungry." "How many polar bears are there on these islands?" "Approximately six, seven thousand." "That's the last estimate I heard." "If we don't get to a hut or to safety of any kind and we have to stop on the glacier, do you have emergency rations and tents?" "Yes." "Nothing elaborate, but enough to keep us alive for two or three days." "There are no passengers on this journey." "We shall all have to master the art of snowmobile driving - even mel" "South Pole, here we come!" "Arctic weather stations can tell you how big the ozone hole will be in five years, but strangely little about what will happen in the next five hoursl" "At the first pass, the snow sweeps in again and suddenly you can't see a thing." "The "Boys' 0wn" fun of snowmobile driving becomes something much more serious." "Mind you, there are times when I'd almost prefer not to see where I'm going!" "Conditions change so quickly, it's essential never to lose sight of the vehicle in front." "Sometimes, I admit, my concentration wavers." "I blame Spitzbergen." "It is stunningly beautiful." "We drive on through the night, though at this time of year, the sun never sets." "At three in the morning, we glimpse the first sign of human habitation since leaving Ny Aalesund." "It's a trapper's hut standing on the shores of a frozen fjord." "The garden furniture's a bit grim." "A rack full of dead seals, meat for the trapper's dogs." "It is, thanks to the owner's generosity, our hotel for the night." "0utside bathroom, of course." "0ur host, Harald Solheim, looks more like a rabbi than a trapper, and he's lived here, on his own, for 15 years." "It's a very lonely life, isn't it?" "Why do you choose a life like this?" "In the beginning it was some sort of adventure about the whole thing." "But it's not that any more." "It's just a way of living." "But the idea of a trapper now is very unfashionable." "Environmentally the idea of people hunting animals is much criticised." " How do you react to that?" " It's OK if they are vegetarians." "Then they could blame the hunters." "That I can understand." "But people that are going into shops and buying meat..." "As far as I know, every meat comes from living animals and you have to kill them before you eat them!" "If you were a vegetarian, how would you survive here?" "Very badly, I'm afraid!" "You have most comforts here, but is there any one thing that you miss?" "Sometimes one could miss different things." "Especially it could be pleasant to have some women companions sometimes." "You're an ordinary man and you feel some needs now and then, but..." "I think I would prefer to stay alone." "As our revving engines shatter the tranquillity of an Arctic morning," "I can see his point." "We wave goodbye and hurtle on our way south to goodness knows what problems, leaving Harald's remote kingdom surrounded once again by the comfort of silence." "Three quarters of Spitzbergen is permanently covered with ice." "There are no trees on the island." "The port of Longyearbyen, which we reach in two days, is still 600 miles from mainland Europe." "It's frozen in for most of the year." "Even in early summer, only one ship is strong enough to take us safely through the ice, the MVNorsel." "She may not look the part of an Arctic Rambo, but she knows these waters well." "She's been a scallop fisher, a seal catcher, and now as a supply vessel she's become an Arctic lifeline." "Progress through the ice is painfully slow." "0n the inflatable globe which has been round the world with me, we're hardly clear of the bit where you blow it upl" "There isn't much to do except walking and skating, which tend to be the same thing anywayl" "There's iceberg spotting, but I haven't got my book with mel" "So it's more Arctic waiting." "0n our third day at sea, the pack ice at last begins to clear." "Surging to our full speed of ten knots, we set course for the heart of the Barents Sea." "Captain Biolgerud can at last set about the work he's here for." "They call this sea the Devil's Dance Floor." "My stomach is doing a few early steps as we reach the fishing grounds." "The Norwegian coastguard is out in force." " (PALIN) Is that an aeroplane there?" " Yeah, that's the Orion." "That's the Norwegian coastguard too." "What's happening?" "Some big event?" "Ships." "He's looking for..." "He's controlling the fishing fleet and giving information to the coastguard vessel." "He's also observing if there is any oil spill on the sea." " Environmental reasons." " She's coming very low." " Yeah." " I never seen her so low before." "The Norsel has a contract to refuel more than a dozen ships, largest of which is the Jan Mayen." "She's a state-of-the-art fishing vessel so proud of her facilities that I've been invited on board to watch her work." "My transfer is complicated, involving a survival suit, a lynching party and a loss of dignity." "This is supposed to save my life if I plunge into the sea." "Hold on tight." " Do I just jump?" " Don't be afraid." "Afraid?" "Me?" "I know no fear." "Whoa!" "Here we go." "Barents Sea, here I come." "Whoo-hoo!" "Television presenters" " Britain's newest exportl" "It's snowing again as the Jan Mayen pulls in her nets." "At first glance, the catch appears to consist entirely of citrus fruitl" "A crew of 40 who spend two to three months at a time in these waters is waiting to process the catch." "The ship's factory is capable of getting the goods from net to freeze pack in two hours." "The end result of five hours' trawling looks like a half-empty Christmas stocking!" "No mighty denizens of the deep in here." "Mostly shrimps, three tons of them." "I've an uncomfortable feeling that's all there is left down there." "It's not a pretty sight, and I'm quite relieved when the Norsel comes back to collect us." "With the last refuelling completed, we head south, and life on board resumes its pattern of major events." "Doing the washing." "Boiling the free shrimps we've been given for breakfast, lunch and dinner." "0n the seventh day out of Spitzbergen, we reach the craggy rim of northern Norway." "Maybe it's just because the sun's out, but I feel the onset of what my children call "one of Dad's happy attacks"" "and what I call sheer relief that a little bit of the worst is safely over." "Sunday morning in Tromso, the world's most northerly city." "It nestles in the shelter of the mountains, neat as Legoland." "The striking design of its Arctic cathedral reflects prosperity and careful taste." "Modern, but not too modern." "(CONGREGATION SINGS HYMN)" "But behind the facade of respectable conformity lies the proud and unpredictable spirit of Tromso's maritime traditions." "0nce thanks have been given, pleasure is taken." "They even call the city the Paris of the north." "I repair to the nearest boulevard café." "(ANIMATED CHATTER)" " (PALIN) This is brewed here, is it?" " Yes." " This is the famous..." " Muck." "That's how it's pronounced, but it's spelt Mack, isn't it?" " Muck." " Is it strong?" "(SEVERAL PEOPLE TALK AT ONCE)" "It's very clean water." "That's why it's famous." " Arctic water?" " That's right." "From ice cubes." "You say it's a very sunny city." "It's sunny now, but I know the sun disappears totally for part of the year." "The sun leaves us 21st of November and comes back 21st of January." "That must have an effect." " How do you know if it's 3pm or 3am?" " We look at our watch!" "Yeah!" "It's OK if you've got those clever watches that say 1500!" "If you see people and they're drunk, it's three at night!" "Emboldened by Mack, I visit a hero with whom I now have something in common." "There can't be many who have left Tromso for the South Pole." "(HORN)" "But Amundsen and I are not alone for long." "Visiting supporters." "Big football match tonight." "Trondheim v Tromso." "These people have now got to try and remain sober for the next eight hours." "Seems unlikely." "(DRUNKEN SHOUTING)" "What is this?" "This is Trondheim supporters' beer." "Is this alcohol-free?" " Is this low-alcohol?" " No, it's er..." "It's er..." "Got a strong head on it." "So tonight is a big game?" "Oh, yes, sir!" "Where is your team in the division?" " Oh, "s***"!" " You seem a bit unsure about this!" "Maybe one day they'll play Sheffield Wednesday." " Rosenborg!" "Rosenborg!" " Rosenborg!" "Rosenborg!" "Anyway, good luck!" "Good luck!" "As I'm in Tromso, I hope Tromso win." "Good luck." "If you want anyone at half-time, I'm your substitute!" "(THEY SING AS CASSETTE PLAYS "ROSENBORGSANGEN")" "An abrupt change in the weather reminds me the Paris of the north is 200 miles above the Arctic Circle." "This is not a riverboat on the Seine, but the Hurtigruten, one of the least hospitable passenger routes in Europe." ""Hurtigruten" means "rapid route"." "It's like a marine bus service that runs past the islands and fjords where no other form of transport can reach." "It carries everything." "Letters, onions, television aerials, washbasins, the more intrepid tourists and the people who live and work at the end of Europe." "You very..." "What you call it?" "Busy man." " I'm a busy man." " Yes." "You come with me and relax." " What?" "Where would I relax with you?" " With me in a lighthouse." " In a lighthouse?" " Yes." "And you only relax with me." " What about them?" " You go fishing, cook your fishing." "The weather is like this?" "Cold?" "I'll freeze." "What would I do?" "I don't like fishing." " Only fishing." " I don't like fishing." " Sleeping." " Sleeping's OK." " You a good cook?" " Yeah." " You have time to cook." " Come with me." " Me?" " Taste it." "Only you." " Send it home." " I'll send them home." "It's not as easy as that because we've got 100 days to go." "We'll have to negotiate." "Do you like people?" "Being with other people?" " Only me and my friend." " Only you and your friend." " Are you allowed to drink in the lighthouse?" " No." " So 28 days, no drink." " Yeah." " Is that hard?" " Cut it!" "No, it's not hard." " "Cut it!" Very good!" "You're a professional!" " I could be!" "I accuse you of having done a series at the very least." " You're a pro!" " My boss say, "No drinking!"" "Is there a piece of music you'd like us to play?" " Music?" " Any music you'd like?" " Larry Finnegan." " We'll play it." "What?" "Larry Finnegan." "Country music." "We'll play some Larry Finnegan over this interview so you won't be heard." "# Good morning, pillow" "# What kind of night has it been?" "# Why are you so cold # 0h, have I been crying again?" "#" "The clouds sink lower and the weather becomes increasingly lugubrious as night falls." "Well, as night should have fallen." "In the land of the midnight sun, dawn and midnight are indistinguishable, as is much of the scenery." "# I see that I was wrong Good morning, tears... #" "Still, I could have bought the ship's poster." "Ah, so that's what a fjord looks like!" "We dock next the morning at Hammerfest." "If Tromso is the world's most northerly city, Hammerfest is the world's most northerly town." "What it does have over Tromso is road access to central Scandinavia." "Waiting for me with a hired car is Troels Muller." "(PALIN) Let's go!" " So, where to first, Troels?" " First Hammerfest, then Karasjok." " To Lapland?" " To Lapland." "(BELL RINGS)" "Oh, sorry!" "Wrong side of the road!" "Having delivered us safely to Hammerfest, the Hurtigruten continues north." "From this remote town, whose first settlers got 20-year tax exemptions to get them to stay, we head south across treeless tundra." "So, Troels, is there anything I ought to know about driving in Norway?" "You haven't been drinking lately?" "Drinking?" "Me, drinking?" "You should know better!" "Well, not this morning, but it's only 11 o'clock!" " Is that a serious problem?" " It's very serious in Norway." "Is that any alcohol at all?" "No, you can have 0.5 per ml alcohol." " That is about a glass of beer?" " Yes, a little bit more." "You risk then to be put into prison for three weeks." " Into prison for the first offence?" " And there is no appeal." "There's a fine and you lose your permit for one year." "Your licence." "All three things together." "Not being rude, 'cause the beer's very good here, but Norwegians drink a lot." "So either the roads are empty or everyone's in prison!" "Yes, in fact, for this offence there is a line-up." " People are waiting..." " Waiting time." "...about one or two years to do their three weeks!" "Not wanting to jump any queues, I drive soberly along the dull, wet coast roads and into the sunlit plateau of Lapland." "This idyllic landscape was laid waste by retreating German armies in World War II." "Even today, it's still very empty." "Karasjok has fewer than 5,000 inhabitants." "It does, however, have a large seasonal population." "Pwah!" "The mozzies here are the worst I have ever seen." "I was recommended to bring this silly hat, but there is a serious reason." "These are just all over the place." "Now, this works on the principle that..." "There we are." "Put it on like that." "The basic premise was that if I wear a hat like this, the mosquitoes will think I'm a lamp post and not sting me." "The real killers are not the big mosquitoes but the small ones, and they'll get through." "So apart from not wanting to look like a lamp post for the rest of this," "I think more serious measures are needed." "This is the other thing I was given." "Eugh!" "It's called Repel." "It strips paint off plastic surfaces, tins and all that." "It's guaranteed to deter all forms of known life." "Hermits prefer Repel!" "Well, let's see." "That's how you use it!" "Next day, I meet some Saamipeople, descendants of reindeer herdsmen." "They've moved with the times." "No one paddles a canoe any more." "My guide's just come back from Beverly Hillsl" " Quite a bit of speed!" " Yes." "No mosquitoes!" "We're travelling faster than they are!" "Despite being frozen over for several months of the year, the Karasjok River is the richest salmon river in Europe." "But its tributaries are even richer." "Like that?" "Is that it?" "Yeah." "Keep an eye for me, won't you?" "Make sure I'm not losing fabulous untold wealth!" " Then you..." "Hey..." " Yeah?" "Sometimes like this so the gold goes to the bottom." "How's that going now?" " There can be diamonds also." " Diamonds?" " Yes." " I'll settle for that." "If we don't find gold, we'll settle for diamonds." "Not so fast!" "If you're panning correctly, you won't see the gold before it ends." " Gold is heavier than any other metals." " Right." "If you pan correctly, you'll see it in the end." "Has Petras found gold here?" "(THEY SPEAK IN NORWEGIAN)" "He says he won't tell you how much, but he has found it." "Silly question." "I want to know if all this is worthwhile, because I should be going to the South Pole." "This will help pay for the overheads." "There's something there." " Ah!" " Yes, there is!" "There really is!" "I'll bring it up." "There we are!" "Now, then." " There." " That's gold." " That really is quite satisfying." " Take a look over here." " You can see a proof..." " Put yours here." "A proof did it." "How long did it take Petras to pan well?" " Two years." " Two years." "It's beyond my wildest dreams!" "I'll never have to work on television again." "Not that I ever will!" "Go away!" "Go away!" "Leave me here!" "I don't need you any more!" "In the end, I decided to put all my gold together and buy a bus ticket." "And so we reach our first international border, between Norway and Finland." "It's a tense moment." "Will there have been a gold-smuggling alert?" "Is this Interpol?" "I needn't have worried." "He didn't even want to see my passport." "Nothing's very different on the other side." "Finland, as an independent country, is a creation of the 20th century." "Like Norway, it's big and empty." "A population less than that of London in a country bigger than the whole of Britain." "But it's a step nearer our goal, and I've always had a thing about Finland." "# Finland, Finland, Finland" "# The country where I want to be" "# Your mountains so lofty" "# Your treetops so tall" "# Finland, Finland, Finland" "# Finland has it all" "# You're so sadly neglected and often ignored" "# A poor second to Belgium" "# When going abroad" "# Finland, Finland, Finland" "# Finland has it all #" "The Arctic Circle, 1,600 miles from the Pole, where 24-hour daylight ends and 24-hour merchandising begins." "Even Father Christmas has stepped up productivity, working on the hottest summer days." "Um..." "Santa Claus?" "His army of elves sifts through the world's largest concentration of begging letters." " Ho-ho!" "Hello!" " Hello." " Have a seat." "It is Michael." " You speak English?" " How you've grown, my friend!" " Psychic." " It's a long time." " Everyone else thinks I've shrunk!" " How are you?" " Very well, thank you." " Nice to see you." " Are you the real Santa Claus?" "I'm told you are, but how can I be sure?" "Well, how should I..." "I'm sitting very strongly and fully here." "Is it something to do with being on the Arctic Circle?" "This was a man with something to hide." "He'd have to do better than that." "Michael, I get nearly 500,000 letters every year." "They come from about, if my memory's right, nearly 150 countries." " Not just Europe and North America?" " No, no, no." "One of the biggest countries is Japan." "It's the biggest after Finland." "Nearly 100,000 letters from Japan." "I didn't think the Japanese believed in Santa Claus." "I answer all the letters that come." "We do that in eight different languages." " They're multilingual, the elves?" " Yes." " Do you go anywhere dangerous?" " No." " You stay out of the Middle East?" " Yeah." " Can I ask for something?" " Of course." " Will I get it?" " There is always this question of being good." " I check with my..." " These people will vouch for me." "I'm a man of impeccable moral virtues." "No?" "Some head-shaking there." " Can I ask for a Christmas present?" " Sure." "I'd like a one-way air ticket from the South Pole to London." "One-way air ticket." "I'm sure that could be..." "Or a lift on a reindeer." "That I can guarantee easily." " Very nice..." " My son would like a wok." "Well, thank you very much." "See you at Selfridges!" "And Harrods." "And John Lewis." "Army  Navy." "If Christmas shopping begins at the Arctic Circle, so does the railway." "We gratefully haul ourselves aboard an overnight express for Helsinki." "The first train of our journey offers many pleasures, not the least of which is the chance to brush up on a little Finnish." "Thank you." " And one baby beer." " Kiitos." "Kiitos." "Oops." "Kiitos." " Kippis." " Kippis." "Kiitos is "thank you"." "I get the two words muddled up." "So tell me again." " Thank you is kiitos." " Thank you is kiitos." " Kiitos." " And "cheers" is kippis." " Kippis." " Kippis." "Get pissed!" " Get pissed." "Kippis to you, too!" " Then you say juomasi." " Juomasi." " Juomasi." "I've learned three words of one of the most difficult languages in Europe." "Each verb has 16 cases." "Some of these people are probably using the triple dativel" "There's a full moon rising in the first night sky we've seen." "As I turn in, I sense a real feeling of progress." "Finnish railways are clocking off the miles and I lie back and think of..." "Russia, Turkey, Egypt, Sudan," "Kenya, Tanzania, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Cape Town..." "I wake up to clear skies and warm sunshine in Helsinki, on the shores of the Baltic." "It's exactly a week since I left Tromso." "0ne in five Finns lives in and around the capital." "That's about a million people." "After the Arctic, it's a pleasant shock to be back where humans control the environment rather than the other way round." "The Finnish economy is one of Europe's quiet successes." "Here they can have not only what they want, but the best of what they want." "The Finnish religion is "sow-na", or "sor-na", as I mispronounce it." "I experience the full ritual with two co-celebrants," "Neil Hardwick, an Englishman living in Finland, and Lasse Lehtinen, a writer." "It's essential to be naked in a sauna?" "You'd be ridiculous with swimming trunks on." "They have no hang-ups about nakedness here." "(LASSE) I'll do you a big favour now." " With friends, you beat each other." " It's not self-flagellation, then!" "Oh, that's nice!" "That's good." "I thought it was the twigs without the leaves." "The leaves make it nicer." "Ooh, a blast of heat now!" " That's from the water..." " What temperature is it?" " Ideally about 18 centigrade." " Do it for yourself." " Do it for myself?" "Everywhere?" " Everywhere." " It's very nice on the face." " Aromatic smell." " Most smells are aromatic!" " Thanks for accusing me of tautology!" "I always felt guilty about doing this, but now I've come out!" " How about a bit for you?" " Please." "Say when." "One thing a public school education fits you for!" "How's that?" " Fine, thank you!" " It's a pleasant tingling sensation." " (NEIL) We need to..." " Don't try this at home!" "...have a dip in the lake." " OK, a dip." "You first." "I'll hold this here!" "(PALIN) To the lake!" "It's all very relaxed and North European." "Where else would I be skinny-dipping with two men I've just met?" "Sauna is a great leveller." "No one knows who you are when you're naked." "Well, they'll know that none of us is Kim Basinger!" " How long do you spend in here?" " As long as you like." " Can you swim?" " It's nice to go through the ice." "You're only there half a minute." "Or roll in the snow." "Once you've whacked yourself with vegetation, going into the ice is just a blessed relief!" "If the camera will turn off, we can get out." "You have those problems." "I'd forgotten!" "Don't miss next week's instalment of "Three Men In A Lake"!" "0nly 50 miles of water separate the affluence of Helsinki from the economic wasteland of the Soviet Union." "There's a feeling of leaving comforts behind as we leave Scandinavia on an Estonian-registered ferry." "(SHIP'S HORN)" "Compared to the ferries heading west, it's not busy." "Plenty of space to practise my Russian." ""The restaurant is to the left."" ""Thank you."" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Sasha." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "I'm called Michael." "Tallinn is like a graveyard with cranes waiting to unload ships that never arrive." "In the Middle Ages, this was one of the great Hanseatic trading ports, as rich as any in Northern Europe." "Now the Soviet Union begins here and the present owners are not as welcoming." "Beyond the guards and the barriers lies one of Europe's best-kept secrets." "A perfectly preserved city centre, making the golden age of Tallinn seem like yesterday." "(BELL TOLLS)" "As I walk through the streets, what surprises me is not the Estonians' resentment at sharing this with Moscow but the subtlety and restraint with which they express their protest." "(SINGING IN DISTANCE)" "(THEY SING IN ESTONIAN)" "Estonians, a seemingly undemonstrative lot, have traditionally preserved and celebrated their independence in song." "In the main square, the Johanson brothers maintain the tradition." "They sing in Estonian, a language most of the occupying Russians won't understand." "That was very nice." "But what was it about?" "That was a very old traditional Estonian song." "The tradition goes back perhaps for thousands of years." "It was a song about shipbuilding." "Building a miraculous ship." "There were three brothers building a ship." "The youngest one maintains to do it from bones or birds, strange material." "It's a very strange ship." "For me, it's a ship where we can all go one day and sail away with the whole company, perhaps the whole land." "Their ship was to sail away much earlier than anyone dreamed possible." "But this was the summer of 1991, when everyone was still a Soviet citizen." "We've steadily crossed Scandinavia toward our 30-degree meridian." "It's now only an eight-hour train journey from Tallinn." "My first chance to speak Russian can no longer be avoided." "In for a penny, in for a rouble." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "(WOMAN REPLIES IN RUSSIAN)" "As soon as they talk back, I'm lost!" "One way." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "I don't know what that means." "Is it?" "Credit card?" "No, cash." "I mean roubles." "Credit card?" "!" "It may look calm and tranquil out there, a lazy July day in Estonia, but nothing in the Soviet Union is quite what it seems this summer." "Things are beginning to heat up." "How hot?" "Let's see from my little travelling thermometer." "Victorian thermometer." "It is 30, just over 30 degrees here. 31." "Makes you feel better, doesn't it?" "80, just about 90." "We're only in the north." "We haven't gone south yet!" "Ee, bloody 'ell." "I'd like to go back to the Pole, please!" "Oh, Michael!" "Good morning, my dear friend!" "Welcome to my Leningrad." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "I think I recognise you." "Let me take your temperature." "You are alive!" "This is extraordinary." "Thanks for welcoming me to your city." "Alexander Godkov is a Lenin impersonator." "Not everyone appreciates this." "(THEY ARGUE IN RUSSIAN)" "But the younger Leningraders don't seem to bat an eyelid." "Imitating Communism's patron saint would recently have been treason." "To add insult to injury, 52% of the city has just voted to change the name back to St Petersburg." "You're trusted to stamp your own ticket." "I'm glad to say technology hasn't taken over from brute forcel" "Sit there." "Tickets are ten kopeks each." "That's practically a free ride." " Is this all over Leningrad?" " Yes, always." "A tram-rover." "(BRASS BAND PLAYS "1812 OVERTURE")" "There is money in Leningrad, much of it relieved from tourists ingeniously." "This is one of the most agreeable ways." "Musicians, often from top orchestras, play guests into their hotels." "I get on well with Alexander, or Sasha, as he now insists I call him." "We agree to meet again." "I'm sure he thinks I'm a Michael Palin impersonator!" "They're there again next morning, but I'm so preoccupied with finding my way round, they don't even get a kopek!" "(MUSIC INDICATES THEIR DISPLEASURE)" "Sasha has agreed to give me the Lenin city tour." "He returned to this station from exile to organise the revolution." "30 April 1917." " April 1917, when you came back." " Yes." "This..." "Many, many people." " They are all gathered." " Yes." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Then that was it." "I recognised the "Bolshevik" word." "You had a big coat on." "It was very cold." "Among the great man's most enthusiastic supporters were the sailors on board the cruiser Aurora." "The Aurora survives almost exactly where she was in 0ctober 1917 when a single shot was fired from this cannon." "It was just what the Bolsheviks had been waiting for." "Cut to the Winter Palace." "So they heard the gun from the Aurora, the sailors and the army, they came across the square and stormed these gates." "They couldn't have made it much easier." "The gates are a fine example of a Baroque climbing frame!" "A great moment for you." "What a year for you!" "What a year!" "They look easy gates to climb." "Quickly, quickly." "Here's a branch of John Lewis!" "What's that doing there?" "I leave Lenin to savour his triumphs and head further back into history, to 1703, when Peter the Great ordered a swamp to be turned into this grand European city." "Composers and writers used these canals for inspiration." "Disgruntled aristocrats used them for drowning Rasputin." "Uh-oh." "These people have been tipped off that there's a Michael Palin impersonator in town." "We pass on under Nevsky Prospekt, the street that has always been the heart of this city's life." "I'm heading for a monument to a Russian hero even greater than Lenin and Peter the already Great." "Alexander Nevsky defeated the Swedes in an epic battle in the year 1240." "Peter ordered this monastery to be built in his name." "(CHANTING)" "Religion in Russia is no longer an undercover activity." "Churches are reopening and attendances booming." "This may look like an obscure Russian party game, but it is in fact one of the increasingly popular christening ceremonies." "They're not just for babies but people of all ages." "I wasn't aware of all this when, to be respectful," "I simply did what everyone else was doing." ""Michael Palin impersonator!"" "(RECITES IN RUSSIAN)" "I don't know what's going on!" "Not wanting to stand out, I achieve precisely the opposite effect!" "The service grinds to a halt around me." "The priest is very sympathetic, but I only just avoid being inducted into the Russian 0rthodox Church!" "No, it's all right." "No, I understand." "Tell him I understand." "I will listen." "My reprieve comes not a moment too soon." "The priest dons another outfit and I can only speculate what my fate might have been." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Exhausted by my near-christening experience," "I take refuge in the Tikhvin cemetery, where lie the greats of Russian culture." "If you're immortal, you'll have been buried here." "Fyodor Dostoyevsky." "Fyodra." "How did you cope with it?" "All the book signings, press launches?" "What did you write?" ""Sincerely yours." "Sorry about the sad bits." ""Sorry it's a bit gloomy." "Yours, Fyodor."" ""Pole To Pole" - good title?" "I thought as much." ""Death At The Poles"?" ""Having A Miserable Time At The Pole"?" "He wasn't much help!" "I went to see Rimsky-Korsakov." "(MUSIC: "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLE BEE" BY RIMSKY-KORSAKOV)" "There's an outstanding concentration of great and defunct tunesmiths here." "Here's Mussorgsky, with his music written on his tombstone." "(MUSIC: "PICTURES AT AN EXHIBITION" BY MUSSORGSKY)" "Behind Borodin's ear, a few chiselled bars remind us what he bequeathed to the world." "# Hold my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise #" "(MUSIC: "PRINCE IGOR" BY BORODIN)" "Surrounded by begonias and wrought iron is the greatest of them all " "Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky." "If he'd lived as long as his music, he'd be 151." "(MUSIC: "1812 OVERTURE" BY TCHAIKOVSKY)" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "It's one of the city's greatest honours to fire the noonday gun." "I waited for a revolution to start..." "but nothing happened!" "This is the Harrods food hall of Leningrad." "Food has come direct from private farms." "It's expensive, as I find when I buy some pears." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" " Kilogram?" " Kilogram?" "Er, I want about um... six." "(THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN)" "Six bits." "Good." "Sem." "Sem is actually "seven"." "They cost me 15 roubles." "At the time, the average weekly wage was 70 roubles, which is why there were so many people outside trying to raise some kopeks." "Compared to "Harrods Food Hall", the state supermarket is cheaper and more hygienic, but largely uncontaminated by food." "However, today there's a bustle." "A consignment of Buffalo Brown vodka has arrived." "Since the anti-alcohol laws, a bottle is a prized possession." "(THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN)" "I have money, but it's not that simple." ""Vodka by coupon."" "Maybe I could buy a coupon?" " How much?" " I not sell." "No?" "How am I going to get some coupons?" "If I have a coupon I can get some." "Well, the problem is that you have to buy a coupon first." "I've got to find a coupon." "I'll find that man and offer him my pears." "I'll try." "This is becoming like a sketch I was once in." "For coupon, read parrot." "Miss?" "Hello?" "Miss?" "Miss seems to be absent, so I think that's the end of the vodka hunt." "I can do without it." "I d-d-don't n-n-need it!" "About to give up, I meet someone who'll risk the wrath of the law by selling me a coupon in public." "(SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Vosem is eight." "A coupon for one bottle costs eight roubles, about half the cost of my rapidly disintegrating bag of pears." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "She sounds happy, anyway." "I now can get my vodka." "Hello, miss." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "What?" " Kassir." " Cash?" "Kassir." "Kassir." "I now have a coupon, but I still can't buy the vodka." "A kind gentlemen explains I have to pay elsewhere." "I join another queue at the cashier's." "Cash." "Right." "There we are." "Ten... (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Can I have a bag?" "Yeah?" "That's right?" "Ah, that's it." " (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" " Thank you." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Can I have a bag?" "40 kopeks for a bag." "There we are." "No, keep the change." "It's for you." "It's a mistake to offer a shop assistant money!" "My retail therapist goes to the cashier for me." "40 kopeks is about a quarter of a penny." "There's my bottle." "I'll put those in there." "There we are." "What a man needs after a long day buying vodka is a bottle of vodka!" "Er, have you a bottle opener?" "Only joking!" "Unable to face more shopping, I climb to the top of St Isaac's Cathedral, where the sound of street orchestras and a fine view can be obtained without coupons." "I like Leningrad." "It's a proud survivor of a city." "Now that communism is slackening off, you can't help feeling things must improve." "But things haven't improved for everyone." "In a Leningrad studio, a theatre has been assembled from pieces of scrap." "Elaborate machines and figures animate to tell satirical and subversive stories." "But since glasnost, the audience for this sort of thing has dwindled." "The machines now make their protest to empty rooms." "Stalin wields his axe amongst a crowd of goblins and hobgoblins whilst Lenin rants and raves from his pulpit." "This was once very strong stuff." "It's fascinating, but it's time to be moving on." "The morning bus to Novgorod, 120 miles to the south." "I'm touched that Lenin has taken time off to come and say goodbye." "Then off he goes, probably to brush up his Yeltsin!" "We head south along major highways and major tests of suspension." "This is the main road between Leningrad and Moscow, Russia's M1." "We have an important deadline to meet." "The last sailing of the season across the Black Sea." "Ahead of us we still have Kiev and 0dessa, but first, Novgorod." "Novgorod, which means "new town", is the oldest city in Russia." "It's twinned with Watford." "It even has its own gap!" "Watford and Novgorod have been together for eight years." "Novgorod has not been faithful." "She's twinned up with at least six other cities!" "I've been told there's a film industry here." "As we don't have one in England any more, I go and see the Russian recipe for success." "There's certainly no over-manning!" "(THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN)" "I can't quite work out what sort of film it is." "A remake of "From Here To Eternity"?" ""20,000 Millimetres Under The Sea"?" "It turns out to be a film about crayfish." "They're still doing the auditions!" "The director is Edward Ranenko." "(THEY GREET EACH OTHER IN RUSSIAN)" " I no speak English!" " Then we'll get on fine!" "Can I watch what you're doing?" "(HE REPLIES IN RUSSIAN)" "Things are happening in the water?" "I'll watch what you're doing." "Ranenko saw me for a man who'll do anything provided he doesn't understand it." "After seconds of tough negotiation, I'm offered the part of Frogman's Hand." "It's a bit of overkill for a crayfish, but still..." "Ah..." "So." "Ready?" "Call "Action"?" "Is that "Action"?" "I've blown it." "Overacting?" "Oh, down there." "That's a big one." "OK." "As quickly as that?" "Yeah?" "Are you filming?" "OK?" "Well, that was a moment of film history." "I've now got three more weeks to get out of this!" "Now I know what my mother went through!" "Thank you!" "My reward for acting with the crayfish was to eat her that evening, along with samogon, Edward's own vodka produced illegally in his garage." "Edward's distillation process, like his filming, is a triumph of ingenuity over availability." "An old steriliser from a hospital acts as a still to boil grain, yeast and sugar into a mixture which he promises will not give me a headache in the morning." "Ah, this is what you get up to in your garage." "What are the little bits in it?" "Slivers of garlic fortify the vodka." "Here goesl" "(OFFERS A TOAST IN RUSSIAN)" "The first toast is to the guest." "Edward welcomes me to his country and drinks to the day when they can all go to my country and taste my home brew." "(THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN)" "Mmm!" "Excellent!" " Very happy to be here, Edward!" " Nyet!" "I'm not a vodka drinker, so I've got a lot to get used to." "I drink Coca-Cola, but not vodka." "You tried to fool me with that bottle!" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Wonderful things are happening to my body!" "(SECOND TOAST IN RUSSIAN)" "Thank you." "I suspect that was a toast to crayfish." "The second toast follows briskly and Russian hospitality begins its slow assault on the brain cells." "You didn't give your life in vain!" "Ah!" "That's terrific!" " OK?" " Yeah, fine!" "Now I know why he made the furniture look like this!" "Too much vodka!" "Only a vodka freak could design things like this!" "I'm fine!" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Well, I should like to propose a toast to the Soviet government whose attempt to stop people drinking vodka has resulted in Edward going into his garage and producing this beverage!" "(REPLIES IN RUSSIAN)" "The Soviet government!" "And governments who do silly things everywhere!" "(CHATTER IN RUSSIAN)" "Ah!" "It gets better." "A little bit better each time." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Isn't it time for another toast?" "Sorry!" "I've had enough toasts to last me a lifetime." "Who wants to make a speech?" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Let's toast the fish." "Why not?" "Toast the ketchup." "I'm game for anything." "(MAN SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Wonderful people, they really are!" "(CONTINUES IN RUSSIAN)" "Well, cheers!" "Thank you!" "(EDWARD SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Ah." "Right." "Now I can eat the fish." "Can I wear a rubber suit now, please?" "(MEN CHATTER IN RUSSIAN)" " That's good?" " At least!" "There's an enormous interest in this!" "(TOAST IN RUSSIAN)" "This is a toast to me raising my right arm!" "Oh, beautiful." "Lovely." "Have you ever done brain surgery?" "(TALK CONTINUES IN RUSSIAN)" "OK." "Here we go." "By my count, that's number 23!" "Funny how you get used to anything, really!" "After the vodka, I had a strange dream." "I was in a big car clutching a speech." "I seemed to be on an important mission." "(THEY SING IN RUSSIAN)" "Young children serenaded me with folk songs as I strode into the main square to meet the mayor of Novgorod." "I realised that this was my moment in history." "(INTRODUCES PALIN IN RUSSIAN)" "(PALIN REPLIES IN RUSSIAN)" ""We, the people of your twin town of Watford," ""take this opportunity to send our warmest greetings." ""We believe the link of friendship between Watford and Novgorod," ""formed in 1984, has been of great mutual benefit." ""Many ordinary people, including sportsmen and women, students, dancers," ""children, families, environmentalists and actors" ""have had the opportunity to visit a town and a country previously unknown to them." ""We are sure that the bond between our towns will continue to grow and flourish." ""We look forward to the day when every school and organisation" ""in Novgorod and in Watford can contribute to the development of our links." ""We wish you success in your work to increase international understanding."" "(PALIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "We would like to give you a present on behalf of the people of Watford." "Thank you." "Thank you." " This is our souvenir." " That's beautiful." " Novgorod, Watford." " There we go." "Marvellous." "Thank you very much, Mayor." "I thought this strange dream was over, but I'd reckoned without the folk dancers." "I found myself jumping on some Russians, being kissed by a strange lady and thrust into some sort of circle." "This would never have happened in Watford!" "How many?" "More?" "More!" "Just as I was beginning to enjoy myself, I woke up." "(TRAIN WHISTLES)" "It's half past one in the morning at Dno station, north-west Russia." "Er, the literal Russian translation of Dno is actually "the bottom"." "So you could say after four weeks of travelling we've reached the bottom!" "But things should get better from now on because this is the Leningrad-Kiev Express which will take us 1,000 kilometres further south in 19 hours tomorrow." "Dno station is known not only for its fantastic nightlife, but also because this was the station where the last tsar of Russia, Nicholas II, abdicated in 1917." "This is where the tsar decided to call it a day, and I can understand, having been here for an hour myself." "So I'd better get on the train." "So had you." "Come on!" "Next morning, we're in Belorussia, White Russia." "50 years ago, these were the killing fields of Europe." "Two million Belorussians lost their lives in the Second World War." "Now they talk of independence, as do the Ukrainians." "Vadim Castelli learned English from listening to "The Voice 0f America"." "I see Ukrainian history being revived." "I see Ukrainian culture, the culture which many people thought was gone." "Now we're getting back to our roots." "There is so much to do here." "If one feels Ukrainian, if one feels it's one's roots, this is a very exciting period to live through in our history." " Are we in the Ukraine yet?" " Yeah." "This is Ukraine." " Let's drink to being in the Ukraine." " Thank you." "To the Ukraine." "(PALIN) It's a rich..." "People say the bread basket of Russia." "What's the food gonna be like in the Ukraine?" "Well, even despite the 75 years of the Soviet regime, it's still quite a rich land." "When I start thinking about the land..." "It would be so rich if it were not for the Bolsheviks first, for Chernobyl..." "Despite what Vadim says, these ominous shadows seem to have left little mark on the countryside." "But you can't take anything for granted in this country." "Just as I was having lovely dreams of breaking my day's fast at one of the best restaurants in Kiev, in the bread basket of Russia, the Ukraine, we've had a bit of bad luck with the train and we're going to be stopped in the forest." "I think they've invaded someone's house and are looting their water." "I'll go and do a bit of looting and pillaging." "The two-hour delay turns into a party." "A nearby lake becomes an impromptu holiday camp." "These passengers know how to have a good time." "Could you imagine this happening on the 7.53 to Victoria?" "There you go, Mr Johnson!" "You can feel the disappointment when it's time for the train to move on." "This plant is wormwood." "The Book of Revelations tells of a poisonous star called wormwood which at Judgement Day will fall to earth, infecting the waters." "The Ukrainian word for wormwood is Chernobyl." "It grows abundantly here in Narodichi, only 40 miles from the scene of the world's worst nuclear accident." "Vadim..." "Patti..." "Fraser and Michael." "Carry this one." "If it emits a loud wail, get out of the area 'cause it means it's a hot spot." " Is it on?" " Turn it on there." "No one knows how dangerous this area is, but none of our Russian guides would come." "0nly Vadim would join me." "This maternity hospital was closed when the village it served was declared unsafe for human habitation last year, four years after the disaster." "Equipment, notices, even medical records remain here untouched, tainted." "The poison that infects these ghost villages is invisible." "But, as happened outside this old village shop, it can be heard." "(BEEPER)" "0n our way out, we catch sight of the only people we've seen all day." "The old lady is 90." "(VADIM TRANSLATES) I feel sick." "My daughter is sick." "Only we are left." "(SHE SPEAKS UKRAINIAN)" "(VADIM) I wish I could die in my own house, but it's fenced off." "The windows are broken and I can't stay there any longer." "I keep moving from one house to another." "Just like that." "We're the only ones left." "It's scary, but what can you do?" "Kiev, capital of the Ukraine, is the third-largest city of the Soviet Union." "If the wind had blown from the north on 26th April 1986, it would be dead." "As it is, 0ctober Revolution Square today is bright, busy and well kept." "But it remains a place where Ukrainians go to be Ukrainian, to dwell on a sad past and an uncertain future." "(SINGS UKRAINIAN SONG)" "Boris Antonienko sings Ukrainian songs, banned until recently." "Songs like "The Mighty Dnieper"." "We've hitched a lift down the mighty Dnieper on the trading barge Katun." "It was in the river here at Kiev 1,000 years ago that Christianity came to Russia." "There was no option." "Prince Vladimir had a baptism squad of Greek priests plunge the entire population into the water." "Christian churches, lovingly restored, are the most striking buildings in a city that's been communist for 70 years." "People still bathe in the Dnieper, only 55 miles downstream from Chernobyl." "Below Kiev, the river has been swollen into a series of vast inland seas created by power-hungry administrators desperate for hydro-electricity." "The pace may be leisurely, but Russian rivers are smoother than Russian roads, and all I can do is wait until the Dnieper becomes the Black Sea." "The last 100 miles are difficult, I admit!" "But I keep pedalling, and after crossing 1,400 miles of Soviet Union," "I reach the Black Sea shore at Arcadia Beach, 0dessa." "But I'm just too late." "There's not a single sunbed left!" "There are plenty of spaces at a nearby beach." "Who are these people?" "Some sort of secret society?" "The hushed-up evidence of some Soviet sun cream disaster?" "Not a bit of it!" "They're here because they love mud!" "At the end of the day you go back and wash it all off?" "Yeah." "Yeah..." "It doesn't look smart." "This lady doctor regularly indulges." "The marine deposits, she says, contain healing properties." "It turns you into an active soul!" "Do you think I should try some myself?" "For me?" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "Oh, I see." "Turns you into an athlete?" "I see." "Yeah." "Seeking the answer to anabolic steroids," "I make my way to the Kuyalnik sanatorium, in Tsarist times the most fashionable resort in Russia." "Now a little faded, but still dispensing the best mud in the country." "The treatment room hovers uneasily between hospital and abattoir." "There's a smell of rotten eggs from the sulphurous mud." "What on earth is going on?" "Maybe it's a day-care centre for vampires!" "(WOMAN CALLS IN RUSSIAN)" "There's no escape now. "This", as they say in police dramas, "is my patch"." "The first surprise is that it's warm." "Ahh, Bisto!" "No one's ever done this to me before." "I suppose I've never asked them to!" "Feels like all the things you were told never to do in bed rolled into one!" "It's very nice and warm." "Thank you." "I may look like a sausage roll, but I've rarely tasted such primal, illicit contentment." "Not much I can do now!" "Time up?" "Finished?" "After 20 minutes, it's time to be unwrapped." "I can't imagine I shall ever be clean again!" "This is a job for "Dyno-Rod"!" "Next morning, with a spring in my step and mud in all sorts of strange places," "I leave the Hotel Londonskya, a Black Sea version of the Reform Club, and walk down the famous Potemkin Steps and out of the Soviet Union." "Well, not quite, for I have two days aboard the Junost, a training ship turned passenger ferry on its last voyage of the year to Istanbul." "It's odd, really." "I don't want to go." "But I feel lucky to be able to go." "17 days." "Strange days." "It's the sort of place that makes you really go spare, tear your hair out." "But at the same time there are enormous pleasures." "The people who looked after us were tremendous." "I'll miss it." "And I won't forget a day of it." "Still, I'll be able to cut down on the vodka." "I don't even like vodka!" "Ah, well." "Dosvidanya!" "Two days later, the generals attempted a coup and the end of the Soviet Union began." "The swimming pool of the Junost is, in the grand tradition of Russian improvisation, a packing case filled with a bit of Black Sea." "It's so small I thought only I'd seen it, but I'd forgotten about the Russian love of the outdoor life." "Pool attendant!" "I'll do a couple of lengths before lunch!" "May I take a dive?" "I tried to remember the Russian for "I am married with three children"." "You know about this." "Um... is it..." "Oh, that's the idea." "Yes." "Hmm..." "You're all right." "You're dressed properly." "(WOMAN GIGGLES)" "I'm going to float on my back." "Do you come here often?" "(LAUGHTER)" "I resort to the only line of Russian I can still remember." "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "That only makes things worse." " Lyuba." "Lyuba." " Lyuba?" " Lyuba." "Amore." " Amore?" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" " Lyuba means amore?" " Is amore." " Love?" " Love, yes." " A little love." " What a very suitable name." "I'm gonna do a few lengths before lunch." "Backstroke." "Here we go." "No, that's obviously out." "Little baby, baby." "Your flower needs a little watering." "In the end, to both our surprises, we discover a mutual interest in church architecture." "At dawn on the third day we enter the strait between Europe and Asia, the Bosporus." "There's a nervous energy along the banks, a prosperity and confidence we've not seen in three weeks." "Now the Junost looks what it is, an ill-equipped country cousin of a ship." "But I've grown fond of the quiet, eccentric pleasures of the Junost and the country it represents." "Now Istanbul beckons, not just with its domes and minarets, but with its rewards and its insatiable demands." "The smell of opportunity is in the air." "Whatever it may look like, I am back in the West." "Another gangplank, another country, another customs hall." "After the Black Sea and two weeks in the Soviet Union," "Istanbul comes as quite a shock to the system." "I feel disoriented, as crumpled and travel-worn as the equipment we've lugged 5,000 miles." "I'd just put 'em down there, if I were you." "If the Soviet Union was the land of "niet", Turkey is the land of "How many do you want?"" "Everything is available." "In all sizes." "Pera Palas." "Thank you." "The car is, well, generous." "It occurred to me I might have made a terrible mistake." "This is a taxi?" "Probably the president's car." "Teach him to park in a taxi rank!" "In one journey we'd probably used half the country's oil reservesl" "But at least I'm within sight of a wash and brushup." "The hotel is famous, but not as famous as its occupants." "I'm given the very room in which Agatha Christie wrote "Murder 0n The 0rient Express"." "Has she any message perhaps for a fellow writer?" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "The hotel was built in the "grand optimistic" style before accountants ruled the world." "Every detail is probably more expensive than it need have been." "It's a relic of when this was a predominantly European city, more Constantinople than Istanbul." "(TRAM BELL RINGS)" "The trams that run along Pera Street, indeed Pera Street itself, still reflect the acceptable face of Western commerce." "But the city is filling up fast." "In 30 years, the population has grown from under one million to over eight million people." "Most of them cannot afford to shop on Pera Street." "At the university people from Eastern Europe are trading on the edge of the law, exchanging goods in the spirit, if not the currency, of this great commercial city." "Azerbaijanis sell to Poles, Armenians to Rumanians." "It looks furtive and dangerous, but it's often disappointingly mundane." "What's this?" "Ahl A toy train ringl" "(TOY SQUEAKS)" "The truth is that Istanbul has always been one great bazaar." "It's a city dedicated to buying and selling." "Why change when there are mugs coming along every day?" "That's nice." " It is Turkish kilim." " Turkish kilim?" "Is it very expensive?" " Cheap price." " Cheap?" "How much?" "150 Deutschmark." "I'll just have a little look up here and maybe come back." " I can make it a little cheaper." " Cheaper?" " Yes." " Good." "I think we'll talk later." " Good morning." " From?" " London." " I was in London." " Were you selling carpets in London?" " No, I was on holiday." "My business is I pray in the mosque." " You pray in the mosque?" " Yes." " Are you a?" " Imam." " Really?" " Yes, I'm an imam." "Aren't you working all the time in the mosque?" "Every day, five times." "I sing." " God is big." "Come to pray." " You lead the people?" " I lead every people." " You also sell carpets?" "This shop is mine for 30 years." "I'll have a look down here." "Maybe I'll come back." " I have three shops." " It's yours as well?" "That's a big one." " Eight metres." " Eight metres." "In Germany money, 1,500 Deutschmarks." "1,500 Deutschmarks." "That's about..." "Three into that..." "About £500." "OK." "I may come back." "Thank you." " Insh'Allah." " Insh'Allah." "But there's more to Istanbul than carpets." "There are men in false moustaches who can't march straight." "These are the Janissaries, an ancient and elite corps who mount guard at the Topkapi Palace." "Their job was to protect the Sultan, but they were recruited from Christian not Muslim ranks, presumably to guarantee impartiality." "They're certainly the best-dressed bouncers I've ever seen." "The Blue Mosque rates highly in the minaret-conscious world of Islam." "It has six." "But the finest building in Istanbul is, for me, the mosque of Suleiman the Magnificent." "It has a cemetery in which lie the remains of illustrious courtiers." "The gravestones are said to be the same height as the graves' occupants." "Except in the case of Suleiman's massive tomb." "He was magnificent, but surely not this bigl" "Headstones denote the rank and fame of once great men." "Modern worshippers still use the 400-year-old mosque for their five-times-daily prayers." "Ablutions are very much a part of the Islamic tradition, so when in Rome..." "I'd like the best treatment you have, the full treatment." " Which is that?" " Number five." ""Treatment fit for a sultan."" " Somebody wash and somebody massage." " OK." "Thank you." "This emporium of cleanliness is the Cagaloglu Hamami, one of the oldest Turkish baths in the world." "In 300 years of continuous business, it claims to have cleaned, among others," "Tony Curtis, Kaiser Wilhelm and Florence Nightingale." "I wonder where she put the lamp?" " Good?" " Yeah!" "So far, so good." "My masseur is a man of few words but many pounds." "It's a bit like a very friendly steamroller!" "Being a lawn that's being rollered!" "I'm sure it's good for me." "I don't know this dance!" "Then it's time for the washing-up." "In this case I am the washing-up!" "(HE CALLS OUT IN TURKISH)" "My friend is using what they call a "hand-knitted oriental washcloth"." "I can think of a better descriptionl" "Wash very good." "This is the Brillo pad moment I've been waiting for." " Wash, yeah?" " Sandpapery surface." "Is that my dirt or yours?" "That's the dirt off me?" "This is embarrassing!" "I had a mud bath in Odessa." "That's probably what this is all about." "I'm sure that's what they all sayi" "It's a long, thorough process, but at least it'll mean I shan't have to wash again till Cape Townl" "Having been comprehensively washed and squashed," "I repair to the waterfront for an evening meal." "(MAN CALLS IN TURKISH)" " How much?" " Three thousand." "The food's good, cheap, wholesome and you never need to book a table." "Beautifully done!" "Beautifully done." "What service." "Thank you." "It's time to move on and we catch the ferry to what my school atlas referred to as Asia Minor." "I should be admiring the skyline, but there's something more stunning in the newspaper." "There's been a coup in Russia." "Gorbachev has gone, arrested." "I think of all the friends we made there." "Things can only be worse for them." "For us lucky ones, life goes on." "We've escaped from the USSR by the skin of our teeth." "0ur route along 30° takes us from Istanbul, through Turkey, to the shores of the Aegean, the Mediterranean and the mouth of the Nile." "0n a day of such news, it seems suitable that our short trip across Asia takes us through a land with so much history." "Troy and Ephesus lie just over those hot, stony hills." "But we haven't time to be tourists." "We must find our way as rapidly as possible across the Mediterranean." "We don't stop until we reach the port of Marmaris on the Turquoise Coast of southern Turkey." "There are boats in the harbour, but none seem to be going beyond the next bay." "The Greek island of Rhodes, 50 miles south, seems as far as we'll get from here." "What should be an idyllic journey across a well-sailed sea is becoming an unexpected frustration." "We've struck the holiday time of year and no one wants to go very far very fast." "0n landing at Rhodes, I make straight for the shipping office." ""For Cyprus and Israel, every Friday." That's tomorrow." "With a day to kill, I book in at a hotel of character on a quiet back street." "(MOPED PASSES)" "Well, it was quiet before I booked in." "There's a lot of history I don't know much about here, so I seek out Vangelis Pavlides, local-born cartoonist of an Athens newspaper." "What's going on here?" " A sorting out of differences." " Everybody fighting for Rhodes." "It was a coveted place." "You obviously love the architecture and the buildings, but the knights seem to be treated comically." "They were funny characters in their own way." "Rhodes has always attracted tourists, many of them with very large armies." "Spartans, Athenians, Romans, Turks and Italians all visited." "But the Knights of St John left the most indelible mark." "This is the Street of the Knights, the oldest street in the whole of Greece - 4th century BC - but these buildings are from the 14th and 15th centuries when the Knights of St John came here." "They're beautiful." "They're quite palatial." "What were they used for?" "They are the hostels of the different nationalities of the knights that were staying here." "So you have France, Italy, the hostel of England, you know, all along the street." "And at the top you have the palace of the Grand Master." "This Christian frontier they defended so zealously fell in 1522 to the Muslim army of our old friend, Suleiman the Magnificent." "Battles nowadays are most likely to be fought for places on the beach, and the invaders who do stay are happy to look at castles rather than build them." "In the village of Lindos, I pay a visit to someone who's made a future here." " Patric Walker, Michael Palin." " Lovely to see you." "Come in." "I gather you can give me some advice." "Publicly?" " No." "Privately." " It's a private consultation." "Few influence the British public more than Patric Walker, the astrologer." "Now, as we make our way across the Mediterranean, I need some guidance." "In general, is this a good time to make a Pole to Pole journey?" "In general, yes." "Specifically, at the moment, I'm slightly surprised that you're here at all, in that I thought you would have been held up." "Yes, we're quite surprised we're here." "What are you keeping from us?" "Since August 8th, a thing called a retrograde Mercury..." "It's when Mercury appears to be travelling backwards." "It isn't, but it appears to be." "Between August 8th and September 2nd this is going on." "It's a time when all forms of communication and travel plans tend to be disrupted." "It's usually the last few days of those three weeks that tend to be the trickiest." "What else can go wrong?" "Where will you be in those last few days of August?" "Cairo and Port Said, at that time." "What would your advice be?" "To stay here?" " No, no." " Until it blows over?" "No." "It's just be prepared, have alternative plans." "That's it, really." "Is there another way you can go?" "Retrograde Mercury notwithstanding, we squeeze onto a ferry carrying holidaymakers from Athens back to Israel." "Trouble is, seeing holidaymakers makes me think of time off and time off makes me think of home and home makes me think of, well, holidays." "Cyprus, where the British garrison maintains our military presence in the Mediterranean." "But today is bank holiday and they're on cream-tea alert." " Can I join you?" " We've got somebody important coming!" "Very popular, isn't it, this tea tent?" "Despite temperatures near 100, people are playing cricket." "0ne man I spoke to was off to referee a football match." "Everybody seems to do sport day in, day out." "Is there any military life here or is that an illusion?" "Illusion sometimes." "I think the force is a hobby." "It revolves around sport more than anything." "Sport is played nearly every day." "And it's a great life." "Because we're in a very hot country, we tend to finish work by half past one, having started at seven." "So most afternoons are free for sport." "What happened during the Gulf War, with being in the front line?" "It was very difficult, especially during the early days when we were particularly busy." "But sport becomes even more important then." "People are working hard, need to get away, need to get some recreation." "Cricket, rugby, football and the rest didn't stop but came second to the operation." "Cyprus, like Rhodes, has seen empires come and go." "The British have brought their playing fields, kept green by the miracle of treated effluent." "The Romans and Greeks left their temples, amphitheatres and legends." "Like that of Aphrodite's birthplace, a rock which stands off the coast." "Swim three times round it at full moon and you'll live for ever." "Meanwhile, Cypriot life, unbothered by great events, maintains its own rituals and traditions." "(BELL T0LLS)" "Today there's a wedding in Polemi, near Paphos, and it's not going to be a quiet affair." "(PRIESTBEGINS SERVICE IN GREEK)" "Ariadne Kyriacu is marrying Polycarpus Polycarpu." "They are the stars of a long and spectacular show." "First on the bill is the baby-rolling act, which wishes happiness and fertility on the marital bed." "Then there's the welcoming of the guests, more of an endurance test than you'd think." " How many people are you expecting tonight?" " About 3,000." " 3,000?" "!" " At least 3,000." " You provide food and drink?" " Yeah." " Must be very expensive." " It is, yeah." " It may cost 10,000 Cyprus pounds." " And who pays for that?" "The family of both groom and bride, yeah." "I'm amazed you've still got a suit and a tie!" "The financial blow must be softened by the tradition that no guest arrives empty-handed." "Congratulations!" "The celebrations expand to fill the largest public space in the village." "And the money keeps rolling in." "Miss Petty Cash, 1991I" "(SINGS TRADITIONAL SONG)" "Music and dancing continues into the night under the beady eye of the widows they call "blackbirds"." "0ld-fashioned weddings like this one don't happen much any more." "I hope the couple have a long life together." "If it's anywhere near as long as their wedding, they should be fine." "Slowly the sun rises to reveal Africa." "0ur third continent in seven days, our home for months ahead." "Egypt is out there, but no one's quite sure how to get to it." "A Loch Ness monster of a pontoon is towed towards us and the fun begins." "Hello." "Wanna buy a nice wallet for you?" "Nice wallet?" "Lovely wallet?" "(SPLASH)" "Within minutes, we're in trouble." "0ur camera tripod rolls into the Mediterranean." "Solutions are strong on enthusiasm but low on practicality." "(SPEAKS IN ARABIC)" "Later." "Much later." "The tripod has been retrieved by a diver from 60 feet down in the mud." "That's only the start of the problems." "Passepartout has spent seven hours in customs." "We've wasted a whole day's filming." "Some say in Africa things like this are bound to happen." "Astrologers would say, "Patric Walker warned you."" "I don't know who's right." "We're going to Cairo, keep out of Mercury's way." "We'll take a few pictures of ships going through the Suez Canal." "Ships on the Suez Canal." "As good as our word." "The Egyptian effect begins to take over." "It involves finding a bench, sitting down and accepting there's nothing you can do about anything." "God will provide." "It's a philosophy which helps out here, especially in Cairo." "This is Rameses station." "Excuse me, do you know the train to Luxor?" " Yeah." " Luxor." " Number eight." " What?" " Number eight." " Number nine?" "Through that arch?" "(THEY SPEAK IN ARABIC)" " Luxor." "Overnight train." " Number nine." " Nine." "OK." " Eight." " Eight or nine?" " Nine." "He works here." "You say eight?" "He says nine." " Yes." " He works here, doesn't he?" "You say platform eight for Luxor?" " Luxor?" "From platform number eleven." " Eleven?" "Anyone else?" "Luxor." "Eleven, eight, nine." "Which is the platform for Luxor?" "The night train." "Sorry." "Does it say it up there?" "Yes." " What number?" " Eleven." " Eleven." "Is that right?" " Yes." "Not eight or nine." "Eleven." "Where's eleven?" "Through there?" "Thank you." "I find the train, eventually, at platform 10." " Which number?" " Seven and eight." " Down here?" " Yes." "When I last left Cairo, I was trying to get round the world in 80 days." "I took a taxi east, into the desert." "Tonight, I face the more enticing prospect of a journey south, down the Nile for the first time in my life." "440 miles south of Cairo is Luxor, where my home for the next few days is moored on the Nile itself." "The scale and power of the buildings is greater than I was prepared for." "Tadorus, my Coptic Christian guide, seems to know everybody there is to know." "The pharaohs are your ancestors." "Are you directly descended from them?" " Sure." "Coptic means Egyptian." " Coptic means?" " Egyptian." "Pure Egyptian." " The floor would have been like this?" "No, the floor in that time was made of precious stones." "All this was covered in precious stones?" "Yes." "In the hypostyle hall at Karnak, elaborate hieroglyphics recount the deeds of the god-kings 3,000 years ago." "2,800 years later, we no longer needed hieroglyphics." "We'd developed graffiti." "These extraordinary, massive stone columns, built to symbolise a forest, is one room." "How could they build like this when Britain was still on stone circles?" "Tadorus knew Howard Carter, the man who uncovered Tutankhamen's tomb." "When I asked Mr Howard Carter how they..." "Well, they bring it from Aswan quarry, but I tell him how they put it on this space?" "He said we've got very modern cranes that can shift more than 200 tonnes." " He said, "Maybe by magic."" " Magic." "Moses, when he met pharaoh, he threw his stick like that, stick of Moses became snake." "That's magic." "0n the other side of the Nile is the Valley of the Kings, an inhospitable, sun-bleached canyon beneath which was stored immeasurable wealth, the tombs of 62 pharaohs." " How many tombs have been found?" " 40." "Unfortunately, nothing has been found in them." "Already robbed, except Tutankhamen." " So 22 tombs still to be discovered." " Not yet." " What was discovered in this tomb?" " 1892." " In 1892, yeah." "What was in it?" " Nothing." " Why?" " Robbed by the robbers." "They'd taken everything?" "I don't like to see it robbed." "Since long nobody cared about the monuments." "You were present when Tutankhamen's tomb was discovered by Howard Carter." "People say there was a curse on those who saw the tomb." "No curse at all." " How can you be sure?" " Newspapers wrote what they liked." "They like a good story." " A mosquito flew out?" " No mosquito." "They say a mosquito came out of the tomb and bite him and he died." "No." "He discovered the tomb in 1922." "He stayed in the tomb up to 1927." "He returned back to England in 1927." "He died in 1939, a very old man." "Can you show me now some of the carvings here?" "Tell me what they mean." "Who are they of?" "In this tomb the carving is very deep." " This is Rameses?" " He's wearing a false beard." " Why?" " High priest." " Why are they always in profile?" " They look nice in profile." "Cultural cruises down the Nile have become big business in the last 10 years but the Gulf War has scared customers away and there are only 30 aboard the Isis as we move at a leisurely pace towards Aswan." "But the culture we've paid to see is the culture of 3,000 years ago." "The realities of life in modern Egypt hardly impinge on our cocoon of comfort." "At Esna we run into something I hadn't expected, a Nile traffic jam." "It's caused by a lock which can only accommodate one ship an hour." "Delays of up to two days have been known." "Local retailers mount an amphibious operation." "A squadron of boutiques takes to the water." "0thers attack from the land, bombarding us with bargains." " Is it all sizes?" " One pound for looking." "One pound for looking?" "Ah." "Wa-hey!" "Is it waterproof?" "Right, let's have a look." "He saw you coming, charging you a pound to look." "Now, anyone else?" "Ten pounds?" "Ten pounds for a look!" " Not too much for you!" " Not my colour!" " Why no?" " Here we are." " How much?" " A pound." " Huh?" " A pound." " One pound?" " One pound." "My final offer." " One pound for looking!" " Why do you laugh?" "What's funny?" "A free look." "Is that a free look?" "No obligation." " Thank you." " Give me five pounds!" "We have a seven-hour delay." "An educational trip is hastily arranged." "We don't get far." "£35?" "!" "I bought one better than that for 20 on the boat." " Touch this cotton." " It was jolly good cotton." " This is first cotton." " That was first cotton." " 10 Egyptian pounds." " Impossible." " Give me 20 English money." " Not on your nelly!" "Eventually we fight our way to the temple of Kom 0mbo, dedicated, suitably, to the sacred crocodile." "It's hot among the colonnades and hypostyle halls." "The strain is telling on those at the frontiers of technology." "It's not clicked on, Gerald." "I've done everything properly." "Don't start nattering." "(TOUR GUIDE TALKS)" "For some people, the search for knowledge is uncompromising." "For others, a bit of temple fatigue is setting in." " Do you like the guided bit?" " As long as it's not too much." "I think it's proved that after 20 minutes the mind goes blank." "I proved that at school!" "Pat and Gerald are from Sheffield, but they're citizens of the world." "(PAT) Brazil's even better." "You sit in a café and the shop comes to you." "You've been..." "Where haven't you been?" "The end of the day is for peace and contemplation, a time to surrender to the soothing magic of the Nile sunset." "Unless it happens to be Fancy Dress Night." "It's billed as "The highlight of your trip", which certainly puts Egypt in its placel" "(APPLAUSE)" " How much you like?" "You like?" " Five Egyptian pounds." "Oh, my God!" "Five Egyptian pounds?" "No!" " One hundred and fifty pounds." " Not on your nelly!" "You try it!" "Try it on." "No photographs!" "(PAT) Ladies and gentlemen," "I give you your own, your very own, Mr Gerald Flinders." "# I'm 'Enery the Eighth, I am" "# 'Enery the Eighth, I am, I am" "# I've been married to the widow next door" "# She's been married seven times before" "# All the ones were a Henery... #" "# Underneath the arches" "# I dream my dreams away... #" "Ta-ta, folks!" "That's all!" "There's no escape." "Everyone's expected to dress up... even actors." "I'd like to lower the tone of the evening by attempting to recite the great work of Percy Bysshe Shelley, the poem, "Ozymandias"." ""I met a stranger from an antique land" ""Who said,"Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert..."" "(EGYPTIAN MUSIC AND SINGING)" "Aswan marks the end of the tourist trail." "Those who venture south from here do so at their own risk." "The ferry boat Sinai takes everyone who wants to travel and their possessions." "I've never seen so many people trying to get on a ship." "(SHIP'S HORN BLOWS)" "No turning back now." "From here on, everything is new, unfamiliar and very confusing." "(DISTORTED ARABIC ON SHIP'S TANNOY)" "As Egypt slips away, so does any remaining hope of predictability." "The journey should be simple - across Lake Nasser to Wadi Halfa where we take a train for Khartoum and south to the heart of Africa." "But, of course, it isn't as easy as that." "This ferry only exists to connect with a train in Wadi Halfa in the Sudan," "Aswan being in Egypt." "The train used to run to Khartoum daily, then it changed to weekly, and we heard a few days ago it'll now run fortnightly." "No one told the ferry company, so we arranged a meeting between the governor of Wadi Halfa and the ferry company to get this ferry going." "So we will get to Wadi Halfa and the Sudan, we hope, where we've heard the train we connect with is now running every month." "This is Africa." "0n Lake Nasser, schedules are flexible." "Life on board is remarkable for its tolerance." "No one complains about lack of space, and no one else has yet found the reading rooml" "I settle down to do a bit of preparatory research." "I wish I hadn't." "Just about anything you eat in Africa could kill youl" "There's so little room, the restaurant is also the immigration office." "They'll serve you a salad and stamp your passport." "What kind of soup is that?" "(MAN REPLIES IN ARABIC)" " Chicken." " Chicken?" "This is incredible!" "Not all at once!" "Too much." "Right, thank you." "Own knife, fork and spoon." "No cutlery on this boat." "Thank you." "That's nice." "Great." "Thank you." "Thanks." "(THEY SPEAK IN ARABIC)" "The food's rather tasty." "It turns out I'm eating it at the captain's table." " I have a good wife." " Do you?" "So do I. It's very important in this life." " Egyptian wife?" " Mm-hmm." " Only one." " You've only one?" "Yeah." "Some people have more." " No, you can't." "I'm Muslim and I can." " I see, yeah." "If you've got one that's just right, you don't want any more." "Next morning, the port of Wadi Halfa lies ahead of us." "It looks as promising as my guide book's description of the country " ""The Sudan is fraught with turmoil, economic chaos, civil war," ""drought, famine and refugee crisis."" "I can't wait." "Sudan, the biggest country in Africa, is an overnight ferry ride from Egypt." "But life here is very different." "Sudan does not encourage visitors." "Do you know how I get to Wadi Halfa?" " Wadi Halfa." "Is there a bus?" " Bus?" "Bus or..." "Where's the bus?" "Bus?" " I want to know how to get to Wadi Halfa." " Halfa?" " OK." "Halfa is near here." " I thought it was here, but it's not." " How far?" " I don't know." "You'll have to ask." " It's too far to walk?" " Too far?" " Walk or bus?" " Car." " OK." "Where's the car?" " Near here." "OK." "If you point the way..." "It all seems to be going swimmingly when, suddenly, my guide isn't there any more." "I've been in unfamiliar places on this trip, but never felt quite such an outsider." "What is this country all about?" "Ally of Saddam Hussein, supporter of the Russian generals' coup against Gorbachev." "I'd better start finding out." "I need a car to go to Wadi Halfa." "OK?" "You go to the hotel at Wadi Halfa centre." "The Sudan is clearly a very eccentric country." "To get the most out of life here, I'd better forget I've ever been anywhere else." "This is new Wadi Halfa." "The old town disappeared under Lake Nasser 29 years ago." "Despite its name, the best hotel now only looks out over desert sands." " Hello." " Hello." " Have you got a room for the night?" " Yeah." "I've got to catch the train." "That goes tomorrow?" " Yes, tomorrow." "Four o'clock." " Fine." "The station in front of us." "The Nile Hotel, and that is the station." " OK." "I'd just like a room, please." " Welcome." "The owner has photos of the old Nile Hotel, with balconies and river views." "Now it's a "no frills" service." "Thank you." "The darkness is comforting." "In the Sudan, a bit of shade is worth the price of admission alone." "Simple." "But... 98.4." "That's what it should be." "The hottest part of the day is from nine in the morning till nine in the evening." "Abdulah Ahmed Adam is the governor who'd made our ferry trip possible." "What's the travel news?" "The train is supposed to take about 48 hours, but due to some difficulties sometimes it takes more." "What sort of difficulties might we encounter?" "Maybe the pulling force for the locomotives." "And any maintenance, maybe." " Do you travel by train?" " Yes, definitely." "My last journey from Khartoum, I came by train, with my whole family." "Were there any problems?" "No problems!" "By next morning, the Nile Hotel is full to bursting." "Today is the day of the train." "The water jars are all empty but I'm directed to the executive washroom." "Washed and brushed up, I go in search of food for the journey ahead." "The train from Khartoum, which should run twice a week, has just arrived for the first time in a month." "The resources of Wadi Halfa are at full stretch." "There's no famine here, but no surplus either." "Any fresh food quickly deteriorates in the heat." "Fruit seems to be the most sensible bet." "Can I have some bananas?" "Bananas?" "How much?" "I have Egyptian money." "Is that OK?" "Can I pay with Egyptian money?" " Kilo?" " Kilo, yeah." "Can you measure me a kilo?" "Sudanese?" "I only have Egyptian." " No?" " No Egyptian." "No Egyptian?" "Where can I change the money?" "Where in Wadi Halfa can I change the money?" " Is there a bank?" " No." "Hotel maybe?" "But you won't sell me anything for Egyptian money?" " No?" " No." "Armed with Sudanese pounds, I try again." "Can I buy some tins?" "Can I buy some tins of food?" " What have you got?" "Chicken?" " Ten pounds." " Chicken?" "No." " What is it?" "Show me what it is." " This?" " No, tin." "That's right." " He knows." "That's right." " Tin?" "Yes." "What is this? "Ma Ling." "Fried young chicken."" "Chinese." "Good?" "I'll have one of those." "Have you anything else?" ""Stewed chicken with bone."" "OK." "How much?" "40 and 40." " Is that enough?" " 130." "130?" "Oh, dear." "(THEY SPEAK IN ARABIC)" "Just two chicken." "Thank you." "The hardest thing of all to find is fresh bread." "Can I have a bag?" "Put them in there." "Banana sandwich!" "Yep." "How much?" "How much?" "That's 75 there." "Any change?" "Change?" "OK, it's 75!" "All right." "Thank you very much." "The train at platform one is the Nile Valley Express, once the pride of the British Empire." "As Sudan's problems increase and the economy crumbles, it's an erratic and declining service." "But there's an air of festivity here that you'd never find at Waterloo." "0n the day of the train, Wadi Halfa station is one big party." "How nice to see you!" "You've come to make sure we go?" "Well, the train's here, we're here, so thank you very much." "I feel as though I've been here for..." " Dates." " For us?" "Oh, thank you!" "Dates!" "I was trying to buy these this morning, with no success." "These look wonderful!" "Marvellous." "We'll all have one." "There you are, Nigel." "They're very nice indeed." "Thank you very much." "There's a heightened sense of drama in the Sudan." "Departure isn't just the start of a journey, it's the start of an adventure." "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "Like all good adventures, none of us knows how it's going to end." "Bye!" "Thank you!" "This long straight line runs 230 miles across the Nubian Desert, avoiding the rapids of the Nile and connecting Wadi Halfa with the cities of Atbara and Khartoum." "A single track through the middle of nowhere." "All we can do is pray that the train keeps going." "(TRAIN GRINDS TO A HALT)" "This is the third time we've stopped in about..." "We've been going about - it's half past twelve - seven hours." "The previous two times have been breakdowns." "One was just a vacuum pipe." "The next was more ominous." "A one-hour breakdown of the locomotive." "Once that goes, we could be here for days or even a week." "There's nothing much they can do but wait till it's fixed." "So I just don't know what's going on." "We're moving very, very slowly." "Maybe the superintendent can tell us what's happened." "I'll see if I can see him." "I never did find anyone to tell me what's happening." "But next morning, we're still moving." "These desert stations have no names, only numbers." "This man could be the stationmaster of number five, six, seven or eight." "The line was built by General Kitchener to retake Khartoum and avenge the death of General Gordon." "Working in one of the hottest places on earth, engineers laid a mile of track every two days." "How do they look after it now?" "Last night, we seemed to be always surrounded by sand." "There was a wind blowing the sand." "Is that a big problem for the engine?" " The sand covers the line sometimes." " Yeah." "So the labourers come and take it away from the track." " Do you bring labourers with you on the train?" " Two or three." " How often..." " By their materials." "They take off the sand." "The good news about the Nice Valley Express - it does have a restaurant car." "The bad news - this is it." "Tea?" "Tea?" "Chai?" "Thank you." "Cucumber sandwiches, please, and a dessert menu." "No, a desert menu!" "This isn't the only restaurant." "Roof class have their own catering." "Everyone up here travels free, and there are plenty of punters willing to risk sun, sand and sliding off into the desert." "Some were surprised we didn't travel like this in England." "I explained to them about bridges." "Sleep well?" "Sleep well?" "It's a great view." "It's better than first class." "You've got a better view." "It's not so hot." " It's not hot." " Just very fine." "Better than inside." "Better than inside." "Yeah." "They're all crammed together down there in first class." "One cup of tea amongst ten of them." " Where are you going to?" " Khartoum." "Do you always travel like this on top of the train?" "Yes, sometimes." "Sometimes." "But when the day's too hot..." "In the middle of the day you have to get inside." "What happens today?" "It's going to be very hot." "It was 110 in the sun yesterday." "What happens today in the heat of the day?" "Do you find some shade?" " Shade?" " Do you get out of the sun on a day like today?" "Yes, I get inside." "There are 3,000 to 4,000 passengers on the Nile Valley Express." "It's like a small town on the move." "Progress is governed less by timetables than by the needs of the townsfolk." "(HORN BLASTS)" "Goodbye!" "See you." "It may look chaotic, but it's one of the most user-friendly trains I've ever been on." "But you do have to know how to use it." "In the good old days on the Nile Express you could get food, a five-course meal, God knows what, and probably have a liqueur at the end of it." "Now it's self-catering on this line." "This is what I got yesterday." "I'll try the stewed chicken with bone." "What will I get first?" "A little industrial, but not bad." "Bread which is now about a day old." "A bit of dunking." "It's not the Grand Hotel, but it's quite tasty." "Water, very essential." "It's very, very hot out there." "About 120 degrees." "The water is probably almost boiling." "About as fresh as you can get." "There you are." "I recommend Ma Ling's stewed chicken with bone." "Followed by hot Sahara desert water." "Followed by a quick trip to the toilet!" "Which also leaves something to be desired." "Ah!" "With bone." "You may think this is ecologically unsound, but there are a lot of other bones in the desert, so... that goes out there." "One of the most hazardous and fraught parts of the journey through Africa is safely over." "I did get a ferry from Egypt to the Sudan, the highly unpredictable train did run on time, and now, 29 hours and three hours' sleep later, we are safely across one of the most inhospitable bits of desert in the world." "Although most of that desert is up my nose, in my hair and ears, it's a small price to pay for being here in deepest Sudan and well on the way to... more problems, really." "So, let's go." "We opt to go on to Khartoum by bus, for extra reliability." "The daily service covers the 200 miles from Atbara to the capital." "The technology is tried and tested." "This bus has already been a Bedford truck - and that was 40 years ago." "We get a bus almost to ourselves." "They're actually licensed to carry 107 people." "At least the roads are empty - if this is a road." "How do you know which route to take?" "It all looks exactly the same." "You drive this way every day, right?" "So I suppose you know." "When it..." "When the..." "Is there ever rain?" "Does it ever rain here?" "If it rains, I suppose you're just stuck." "The driver and I chatter on." "I think he just wants someone to talk to." "Make your own M1." "When at last we do find the road, things only get worse." "It doesn't seem to have been finished, assuming it was ever started." "2,000 years ago, this was the kingdom of Meroe." "A cluster of pyramids can still be seen, broken and leaning like a row of bad teeth." "How could a civilisation, rich in iron and agriculture, pass so completely out of history?" "I thought of asking the driver, but there's no guarantee of stopping him once he'd started." "I thought of stopping for a nice cold beer, but alcohol's illegal in the Sudan." "There's not much to do but get hot and dusty and, like those Victorian generals, think of all the things I'm going to relieve in Khartoum." "Here in the capital are the first signs of trouble ahead." "For eight years, the mainly Christian south has been at war with the hardline Muslim government in Khartoum." "Unfortunately for us, the war zone lies straight across our path." "I've just had a meeting in the Ministry of Information which is responsible for the permits and passes to cross Sudan." "We've not been given permission to travel south through Sudan which we need to do to stay anywhere near 30 degrees." "They won't guarantee our safety and we just can't go." "We can fly into Juba but we can't get out of it." "It's surrounded." "So we're absolutely stuck." "We've got to find another way out of Sudan." "It won't be easy, but we'll look." "This is not a country renowned for its sense of urgency." "Things happen slowly, if at all." "To get into the country requires the patience of Job." "God knows what we need to get out." "It's so easy to get discouraged, to let helplessness descend like the blanket of hot sticky air in the city." "How does a foreigner survive in the Sudan?" "To find out, I'm directed to the one place where foreigners regularly meet." "Before Sudan won her independence from Britain in 1956, the club's membership was over 1,000." "Now it's barely 200." "But the menu remains reassuringly Western, as do the diners." "Alan Woodruff is a professor of tropical medicine, which makes him far from the ideal dining companion." " It's a very generous plateful." " It's full of salad!" "You know I never eat salad." "Salad is one of the worst ways of contracting dysentery." "And also, in this part of the world, hydatid disease." "Bring me one without salad." "Well, I'm not keen to get dysentery." "If I put mine on the side here..." "Is it really that bad?" "It's one of the first principles of keeping fit in the tropics." " You avoid salads like the plague." " I've been eating salad all week." " Well..." " The tomatoes look good." " Yes." " So far no problem." "The things that look good are those which are most likely to transmit the dysentery." "You've frightened me now." "I'll keep it on one side." "I know the books say you should make sure everything's peeled." "They obviously have been peeled." "Is it more serious than that?" "Well, yes." " Is it how they're grown?" " No, it's difficult to know who's peeled them." " Because they're not heated up." " Right." "So all this has been done..." "In your trip, I think that the best advice you could have about keeping fit would be to eat only those things which are served hot, come from the kitchen and are served hot." "Oh, dear." "Scotch egg seems a very traditional dish." "What else do they have here?" "Well..." "The food is mostly traditional." "Steak and kidney pie." "We had roast beef yesterday, with Yorkshire pudding." "There was no cabbage." "Some sort of greens that grow by the river had to serve for cabbage, but it was very tasty." " Is the chef English?" " No, Sudanese." "Very good chap, too." "To make amends for all the salads I've eaten," "I foolhardily accept a sporting challenge." "My opponent, Noshir Antia, was most accommodating but it's 100 Fahrenheit and, after several seconds, I've passed my peak." "He kindly agrees to an adjournment." "It's nice out here." "You don't have a drug problem, you don't have mindless violence in this place." " The family gets together." " Is it a tricky language?" "Once you've learned the language, the people are extremely nice." "They may laugh, but they take you to their hearts." " When did you learn?" " When I came out here, I only spoke English." "They only spoke Arabic, so I had to communicate very fast." "I learnt through the school of hard knocks." " I'm hopeless." "I don't know anything." " "Malish" should be your first one." " "Malish"." " What's that?" " "Sorry, never mind"!" " That's good!" " I could use that when I play squash!" " You could." "I could use that a lot." "Malish!" "Malish!" "You probably want another game." "Don't let me detain you." "It's only lemonade." "Honestly!" " OK." "Thank you very much." "See you again." " Thank you very much." "Bye." "Lovely man." "Lovely man." "I let him win, of course." "Little shots, but you have to, don't you?" " Bye." " Bye!" "This is 0mdurman, across the River Nile from Khartoum." "Ask anyone here the best way to get around their country, and there's only one answer." "This is a "camel-mart"." "Dealers come here from all over the eastern Sahara." "What does a second-hand ship of the desert, one owner, go for these days?" " These yours?" " 25,000." " How much?" " 25,000." " For one camel?" " 25,000." " That's a lot of money." "That's..." " 25,000." " I'll see." " 25,000." "That's about 1,000 quid." "I've got... 20, 40..." "I've got about maybe 100 here." " 25,000." " OK." "Can I buy a bit of a camel?" " 25,000." " A hump?" "Tell you what." "A bulk order." "We need seven of them." "Bulk discount." " 25,000." " You're a hard man." "Thanks." "25,000 for that?" "I" "Ayusha Travel, a transport company run by Eritreans from Ethiopia could solve our problem of leaving the Sudan." "They have experience of border crossing gained from their 30-year war with the central government." "The ending of that war four months ago could be the piece of luck we need." "We can't follow the White Nile south." "West leads through Zaire, as difficult as Sudan." "East is Ethiopia, freshly liberated, and, in theory, open for business." "We want to get down to Addis, really, eventually." " Which route would you take us?" " From Khartoum to Medani, to Gedaref." "That is Medani." "Then you have to reach Gedaref." " This looks all quite good road." " Asphalted road." "It's a good road." " Where do we go then?" " From Gedaref to Metema." "Metema." "I see." "That's on the border." "It's a border town." "Then from Metema to Gonder." "Lake Tana." "From Gedaref to Metema it's rough roads." " Rocky road?" " Yeah." "Due to rainy season, the soil is washed out so it's somewhat rough." "With a land cruiser it's all right." "But with other cars it's impossible." "Do you have land cruisers sufficient to take myself, six others and..." "We are in this business of transporting people." " And..." " How long have you been doing this?" "Almost two years now." "One of your cars is starting up now." "It works!" "This may look just like a lot of water, but it's where the two Niles, the Blue Nile - or brown Nile, as it is here - and the White Nile - or grey Nile over there - actually meet." "If things had gone right, we'd have followed the White Nile right down into Central Africa, but we can't do that, as we know." "So we're going to follow the Blue - or brown" " Nile on a zigzag course to its source in Ethiopia." "Much more exciting." "Look at the brownness of the Blue Nile and the greyness of the White Nile." "We'll look for the source of the Turquoise Nile." "In 0mdurman every Friday, an hour before dusk, followers of the 19th-century Sheikh Hamed El Niel gather to celebrate his teachings and dance themselves closer to Allah." "They're better known as the Whirling Dervishes." "If this is religion, I'd like to join." "If I see Allah, I'll ask him to make this happy night my last memory of Khartoum." "We've been stuck here almost a week, and it's time we can no longer afford." "We're now about to leave Khartoum." "We have transport, courtesy of the Eritreans." "After quite a wait we've finally got our permit to go to Gedaref from the Sudan police headquarters." "Without this we can't move at all." "So we can go to Gedaref and across the border into Ethiopia." "It'll be a rough ride, but a second sandstorm hit Khartoum last night." "I think we should go." "After a day's travelling, we're clear of the desert." "It's marvellous to see greenery, but it's only there because the rains have ended unusually late." "Most people we pass are on foot." "I can soon understand why." "The thick black soil has not yet had time to dry out." "But this is the road to the border and we can only hope it gets better." "Vehicles much heavier than ours have passed this way and ground deep ruts into the soft earth." "For the first time, my faith in the Eritrean drivers is shaken." "0nce stuck, they seem to lose heart easily." "0n the move, riding the ridges with skill, they're in their element." "They even act as a bus service." "What is your name?" "(GIVES LONG ARABIC NAME)" "Mine is Michael." "Not quite as grand as that." " Where are you going to?" " Doka." " Doka?" "Is that a village?" " No." "I have a field on that side." "What do you grow in your field?" "(IN ARABIC)" "Sim-sim?" "Sesame?" "How long does it take you to get to Gedaref?" "Two days." "How do you travel?" "Do you travel on a bus?" " Lorry." " Lorry." "How many people are there on the lorry?" "Many people?" "More than 20." "Tough ride." "You all bump around." "Some lorries don't make it." "We pick our way around them knowing it could so easily be us." "(ENGINE STALLS)" "And very soon it is." "I lend a hand, wherever possible." "At this rate, I can see real trouble ahead." "We've reached Doka, the half-way point between here and the border at Gallabat." "We've asked for vehicles at Gallabat to take us into Ethiopia tonight." "We started at 6.30." "It's now just after 12." "It's very unlikely we'll get there on time." "Whether they'll wait for us, we don't know." "With the roads the way they are, it'll be very tight to rendezvous with them." "After Doka, our drivers lose the road completely." "We plunge on through the fields with increasing desperation." "(THEY SPEAK IN ARABIC)" "There's not much left to do but pray." "Another truck stuck, another tow." "Still, no sense in rushing." "They've got the right idea." "OK." "I've got a feeling we're not gonna win our race against time to get to Gallabat by dusk." "This is the road." "It's virtually impassable." "It's so deeply grooved we keep having to stop to pull vehicles out." "Nobody is quite sure where the border is." "These two things mean in the last half-hour we've covered five kilometres." "We've been going nine hours or so." "It's quarter to four." "We have about another hour and a half of daylight." "Unless things get very much better, I think we'll be picnicking in the bush." "Well, the adventure continues." "We never did reach Gallabat last night." "After one of many halts, and 13 hours of driving, we stopped dead in a small village called Kanina." "We asked the police whether we could get to Gallabat." "They said stay here." "So we spent the night in the police station." "This is the compound of the station." "Didn't sleep well, but I never do in police stations." "But we're here, and we're trying to find the border." "Answers on a postcard to "Pole To Pole" lost on the Sudan / Ethiopia border, Monday." "Being by nature an optimist, I don't think things can get any worse." "Wrong again." "Before you can say Nigel Mansell, we're in the pits." "(ENGINE REVS)" "No grip on here at all." "Strange people appear to see what we're doing." "I haven't the heart to tell them we're going to the South Pole." "Things are now so bad, even the director has to push." "It really does seem like the end of the road." "The vehicles ahead of us are also stuck." "But just as I'm thinking of taking Sudanese nationality, hope backs towards us." "It's a last-minute reprieve." "We pull ourselves out of the rough to find we are closer to the road than we thought." "Mind you, some people are even closer." "Someone's trying to tell us something about this journey." "We've been going about seven hours since we left the police station." "We've covered about 20 kilometres." "Gallabat is just over there, I'm told." "Just as we arrive, we find this lorry has overturned and has blocked the road, so we're held up again." "This is not a good place to stop because in these hills on the border there are ex-Ethiopian troops who are living almost as mercenaries." "We have to have an armed guard." "They're fanning out to protect us." "Way back when we tried to film, we were told not to." "I shouldn't film now if I were you." "The trouble with real roads is that people use them." "Having seen nothing for 24 hours, we run into a convoy of trucks coming from Ethiopia." "0nce they're past, we speed on..." "for at least 100 yards." "This is like one of those never-ending board games where you have to throw the exact number to finish." "Stop here under the tree?" "Yeah, we're waiting for him." " Hmm." " Gallabat." " What?" " Gallabat." "Gallabat?" "Here?" "It must have a sign." "No." "Why do they have no road signs in the Sudan?" "Round here?" "Why not?" "Just when I'd ceased to believe in the existence of Gallabat, there it is." "We've taken well over 24 hours to cover the distance between London and 0xford." "Gallabat may seem like the Promised Land, but we know to our cost it's one of the least accessible places in Africa." "We've made it." "The question now is, "Will anyone be there to meet us?"" "After two days in the wilderness, we have reached the border between Sudan and Ethiopia." "My fear is that our contacts will have found getting here as difficult as we have, but, to my relief, there is a Dr Livingstone." "You must be Graham." "Sorry we're late." "Sorry my trousers are ripped." "We were trying to pull the vehicle out... it was stuck..." "He's Graham Hancock, British journalist." " We had the same." " It's as bad that way?" " It's awful." "Really dire." " So you arrived late too?" "We got here at two in the morning and we've just been waiting for you to turn up." "We've got to clear customs on both sides?" "You'll have no problem on that side." "There's nobody there." "If we can get going and we have few problems on the Sudanese side, can we get to Gondar?" "We can get to Gondar, but it will take us, I would guess, not less than eight hours." " Really?" "So we won't?" " That's if we go now." "The problem is driving this road in the dark." "In the dark, you can't see what you're getting into." " How far is the road bad?" " It's bad for about 200 kilometres." " Is that most of the way to Gondar?" " Yes." "I think I'll go home." "I want to go home!" "To avoid the war-torn south of Sudan, our route takes us in a wide detour away from 30 degrees - across the highlands of Ethiopia to Gondar, Lake Tana and the capital, Addis Ababa." "Next morning, after a mercifully short night in a village of mud huts, we're on the move." "The landscape is a surprise - lush green meadows and the first mountains we've seen since Norway." "We're here because of a civil war in Sudan, but until four months ago one just as fierce was being waged in Ethiopia." "Not everyone has surrendered." "This lonely countryside provides perfect cover for bandits and privateers." "We're accompanied everywhere by soldiers." "The guns are loaded." "In the villages, there are more obvious signs of war." "The children have not been to school for years." "There's little work." "Shelter is basic and food is scarce." "We stop for a breakfast cuppa with our armed escorts." "Thank you." "The youngest, politest, least aggressive army I've ever seen." "Is anyone ever shot at on these roads?" "There's constant incidents on these roads where lone vehicles, particularly at night, are stopped and the vehicle is stolen, sometimes people get killed." "Sometimes they'll attack more than one vehicle." "So it's considered a sensible precaution to send along a few armed guards with a convoy." " Who pays the wages of the guards?" " They draw no salary." "They're a volunteer army." "None of them have any income from it." "They just get food, accommodation and cigarettes." " How old are they?" " I would say not more than 18. 16 to 18." "Those who successfully overthrew the dictatorship were almost all kids of this age." "A year ago, Mengistu was heading the largest army in sub-Saharan Africa, a massive dictatorship, huge security apparatus." "Nobody would have believed he could be removed by a bunch of kids from the hills." "Can you sense when you come into a village that there's a different atmosphere?" "Definitely." "I've been here for years and the atmosphere is the most noticeable change - the feeling of relief, that people feel that they're in control of their own lives again." "Ethiopia continues to provide surprises." "I don't think any of us associated the place with floods." "The cool mountain air and the beauty of the scenery is welcome." "It's easy to forget this is not quite the paradise it seems." "0ur vehicle becomes separated from the rest." "Though we must wait for them, a roadside stop is highly risky." "Everyone breathes easier when the convoy catches up with us." "Now at least we're moving targets." "We head out of the unstable border country to the comparative safety of the first sizeable settlements." " This is the place where they go." " Is this where they live?" " Around here." " Nearby." "You getting out?" "What will we do without you?" "Thanks very much." "Thanks for looking after us." "We got through safely." "(SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)" "Give these men promotion." "Make them sergeants." "Thank you." "Thanks a lot." "Bye." "Thank you very much." "Thanks a lot." "Bye, guys." "Thank you." "What a fine army." "Thank you very much indeed." "OK." "Thank you." "We'll know who to ask for next time!" "Thanks a lot." "Cheers." "They're suddenly happy." "I can understand why." "They can go and eat and sleep." " Everything I want to do!" " Where the air is sensibly cool." "Yeah." "It's rained." "This is significant." "It's just rained." "There's been a thunderstorm." "Hailstones have fallen." "Thank you." "Just giving the weather forecast." "It's the first rain that we've had since northern Norway." "We've been dry too long, especially in the Sudan." "So we go on." "Does that mean we're safe?" "We're out of bandit country?" "Yes." "There's about 65 kilometres between here and Gondar, and it's safe." "Um..." "And er..." "Yes, it's all a lie." "It's the most dangerous 65 kilometres of all!" "Everyone says, "The next bit of road is fine."" " That's where we end up getting hijacked." " It's been one hell of a journey." "So we go." "Do you want to come?" "Gondar." "0nce the capital of Ethiopia, Gondar is like somewhere out of a different age." "I'm not surprised to learn that the country works to a different calendar." "It's only 1984 here." "Through the smoke and mist loom the twin pillars of Ethiopian history " "Church and empire." "This is the castle compound." "It was established in 1635 when Gondar became the capital city." "The emperor Fasiladas built the first castle here, but over the next 150 years the successive emperors each built their own massive castle as well." "The tradition of emperors is very old in this country." "It goes back before recorded history." "For the last 750 years, there's been an unbroken line until Haile Selassie in '74." "That must make Ethiopia unique in Africa." " Completely unique." " And it wasn't colonised, was it?" "No." "It's never been colonised." "The Italians tried." " There seems a European influence here." " There were Portuguese in Ethiopia." "They'd been invited in to help deal with the Muslim threat and they stayed on." "There's a possible Portuguese influence here." "Presumably they were despots?" "You could say, almost without exception, that all Ethiopian emperors were despots." "Very dictatorial, very single-minded." "Their word was law." "Was their any attempt to form a constitution?" "A constitution was created by Haile Selassie, but it stated that his power was inviolable." " Very clever!" " Yes." "This is Taffara, the unhappiest lion in Africa." "He was owned by Haile Selassie, the former emperor." "He's about 20 years old now." " He's spent most of that in here." " They didn't get rid of the lion." "The symbol of imperial power, no." "It's really horrible in there." "What a terrible place to keep any animal." "Look at the flies round him." "It's almost a punishment because he was associated with the emperor." "The surrounding mountains have enabled Ethiopia to develop in its own individual way." "There's little to suggest much has changed since the emperors built their castles." "The country has remained traditional, agricultural and, apart from Mussolini's brief invasion in the 1930s, largely cut off from the West." "But not everyone wants to turn their back on the outside world." " Mohamed, you listen to the radio?" " Yes." "Particularly BBC." " The World Service?" " BBC World Service, yeah." "What do you listen to?" "I have a great interest to listen to football, particularly England club football." " Do you have a favourite team?" " That is Manchester United." " Yes." " I love when there's a match!" "Did you hear the football last Saturday?" "Because of some problems, I didn't hear the football." "So you can't tell me whether my team won?" "My team is Sheffield Wednesday." "I know about them." "We beat Manchester United in the League Cup last season." "I was there." "So bad luck!" "There's an urgent need I have to attend to before I leave Gondar." "The successful semi-circumnavigator must ensure his equipment is in working order." "Excuse me." "Good morning." "I take my trousers - ripped in action in the Sudan - to a local tailor." "Can you mend that?" "Only they've got to last me to the South Pole." "He's having a go straightaway." " Now..." " Beautiful piece of mending." "That is brilliant." "That's about one minute, ten seconds flat." " And it's completely invisible." " Two birr." "Two birr." "Ethiopian birr." "I'm still on Sudanese money." " A birr is about 50 US cents." " Is it?" " Or 30 pence." " So this is?" " Two of them is about a dollar." " Two?" "Thank you very much." "That's really good, excellent." "Thank you." "Look at that." "Near perfection." "We head south to one of the least known and yet most important places in Africa." "This is Lake Tana, where the Blue Nile rises." "It's a natural reservoir, providing water for Sudan and Egypt." "It's the only lake in Africa where these papyrus reed boats are found." "Their design has been traced back to ancient Egypt." "They look fragile, yet they've been crossing the lake for thousands of years." "The wood is in great demand." "It'll be used for heating, cooking, building and fencing." "In the green highlands round Lake Tana, Graham and I are taken on an expedition." "The countryside is no different from when the Victorians came this way, risking their lives to find the source of the Nile." "I'm risking little more than a clean shirt, but I'm realising my childhood ambition - to be an explorer, to see strange and wonderful things in strange and wonderful countries." "That is incredible." "I've never seen anything like that in my life." " It's only just left the lake, hasn't it?" " That's right." " Lake Tana is the source of the Nile?" " Effectively, yes." "It drains a lot of the mountains round about and most of it pours out down this river." " It's extraordinary, the power." " You can see how it manages to reach Egypt." "Well worth leaving the North Pole for." "I've never seen anything as powerful as that." "0nce on the road south, we're back to reality." "A poor country, exhausted by years of war and misgovernment." "Three days after entering Ethiopia, we have our last sight of the Nile, which we've followed for 2,500 miles." "It makes a spectacular exit in a deep gorge, spanned by a single bridge carrying the road to the capital." "0ur safe arrival in Addis Ababa marks the end of the most difficult stretch since the Pole." "We should be feeling pretty pleased with ourselves." "So should Addis." "Four months earlier, Colonel Mengistu and his Soviet-style regime were chased out of the country after 17 years." "The monuments that every Ethiopian was expected to admire are now being taken for scrap." "But there's little sign of any joie de vivre." "The country should be having a ball, but no one seems to have the energy." "Addis Ababa is a city still in shock, unable to comprehend quite what has happened to it." "I suppose it must be depressing to realise that everything you believed in was false." "The statue of Lenin that was the centrepiece of the capital is now lying on the corporation tip." "Discarded." "Redundant." "Determined to be tolerant, the new left-wing government has allowed a demonstration." "It's taking place in the square which Mengistu used only for military parades." "They're angry at plans to partition the country and they're staging the biggest peaceful protest Ethiopia has ever seen." "(GUNFIRE)" "Suddenly, there's gunfire and people run." "No one knows what it means, but that's the way the city is." "The only point of stability and continuity seems to be the Church." "0n a wet Sunday morning, over a thousand people have come to worship here." "Christianity has continued unbroken in Ethiopia for 1,600 years - all the more remarkable as everywhere else around is Muslim." "(SERVICE RELAYED OVER SPEAKERS)" "The rituals of the Ethiopian 0rthodox Church have many similarities with the Jewish tradition." "It goes back to the Queen of Sheba." "According to legend, she was an Ethiopian and mother of King Solomon's son." "(CHANTING)" "(RHYTHMIC DRUMBEATS)" "The "kebero" drum and the silver "sistra" are straight out of the 0ld Testament." "Next day we're on the move - heading south on the unaccustomed luxury of a metalled road." "But we haven't left the Church behind." "These priests are appealing for funds." "They often collect money by upturning their umbrellas and catching contributions." "I'm riding with 0xfam, which I've supported for years." "Nick Roseveare has promised to show me how my money's being spent." "What can Ethiopia itself do to improve food production?" "The policies of the new government are ones which I think will help a lot to get agriculture more efficient." "Something like 90-92% of the population are dependent on agriculture and the vast majority of them simply produce for their own needs." "(PALIN) If they were able to produce a small surplus and sell it at market value, how much would that improve matters?" "A lot." "It would take time." "It's not going to happen next year or even in five years, but, progressively, with incentives for people to produce more than they need, eventually Oxfam hopes to do itself out of a job, really." "In the south, drought is not the main problem." "This creek provides water, but the water is tainted - animals use it, vehicles go through it - and it has to be carried over long distances - traditionally the woman's job." "For an outlay of £2,000 - raised in this case by Comic Relief - water now comes direct to this village." "A 90-foot well has been sunk and water pumped up by the simplest technology." "Excuse me." "I'd give that to my own children - and I'd have the beer!" "That really is very good." "In theory, the return on this investment is better health and, for the women, extra time and freedom." "My own state of health is currently uneasy, but the hospitality keeps coming." "This is the local bread." " Is it bread?" " It's more like a pancake." "More like a car-seat cover!" " So you just tear a bit off..." "Very strange texture." " Bit rubbery." " And dip it in these." " In the sauce." "What's the least harmful for a man in my delicate metabolic situation?" "Potato, if you can bear it." "Do you have to eat with your right hand only here?" "People do, but it's not because it's your only clean hand." "It's not such a taboo." "In Sudan and Egypt, it's very bad to touch food with the left hand." "One of the best car-seat covers I've ever had!" "Sour, isn't it?" "It's pounded, then fermented and then used as a sort of pancake mixture." "Is it particularly Ethiopian?" " Uniquely so." " Uniquely?" "They don't export it?" "Maybe we could start a teff franchise." "In the busy town of Shashamene, a walk through the streets becomes a major event." "The apathy I saw in Addis has no place here." "As far as the locals are concerned, the circus has come to town." "Behave normally, just carry on, do whatever you're doing and I will too." "There's nothing to do but enjoy it." "Where did you get that?" "Oh, there they are." "Can I have one?" "Can I have one?" " How much?" " 25." "I'll continue my gentle walk." "Now..." "Ho ho ho." "Mmm." "It's good here." "Hello." "Mr Palin." "Do you want me to?" "The end of a long day's travelling and a reminder that even time itself is not the same in Ethiopia as anywhere else." "29th?" " One." " One?" " One, '84." " Oh, it's '84 again." "When the world adopted the Gregorian calendar, Ethiopia got left behind - by seven years and eight months, as it happens." "0utside, by Lake Awasa, it could be 1984 BC for all I care." "It's a place of soothing tranquillity, where limbs are rested, brains cleared and, hopefully, stomachs settled." "Surrounded by all this, the problems of the journey ahead seem unimportant." "It's a short-lived illusion." "Hello?" "I'm ringing from Awasa in Ethiopia." "I've just had some bad news." "My friend who was going to meet us at the border..." "The Kenyan border at Moyale." "He's been taken ill and he's in hospital, so he won't be able to come and meet us." "Yeah." "Can you hear me?" "Is there any chance you could send vehicles to meet us?" "It would be the end of this week." "Friday." "Probably Friday morning." "If you can do what you can." "I appreciate that." "We're promised emergency help, but first we must get to the border, 330 miles away." "Nick has returned to 0xfam and we're left to face the realities of travel in Ethiopia." "There are no trains, precious few buses, so it's time to hitch." "You can take us some of the way?" "Is that right?" "He'll take us..." "He says he'll take us as far as he's going." "10 or 15 kilometres from here." "There doesn't seem to be anything else, so we'll take this and see." "OK." "Like the Lord Mayor's Show, isn't it?" "Hello!" "National Westminster Bank float." "Last seen on the Embankment!" "That's a hat." "That's a chapeau." "Whoa!" "(BANGING)" "Oh, dear." "He's just lost his hat!" "That great hat that I liked so much." "Oh, dear." "That's bad." "Would have been a terrible loss." "Tell you what..." "Excuse me." "You have this hat." "That's better." "Can I have yours?" "Can I have yours?" "Your hat?" "Where's your hat gone?" "Where's his hat?" "Fair swaps." "This could take years." "That's right." "I covet this." "My head's too big." "I'm a fashion victim." "Oh..." "It's gone!" "Well caught at second slip by Roger Mills." "That's it." "Immaculate." "Your head's very small." "Whoa!" "It's just not going to stay on." "This stretch of road is almost all that exists of the great Pan-African Highway - a post-colonial dream that never became reality." "Rather like Ethiopian public transport." "A hitch-hiker's nightmare - a hot day, an empty road and 7,000 miles still to go." "Somewhere at the end of the road is the border town of Moyale." "If our vehicles are there, we can embark on the 400-mile run to the equator and Nairobi." "Fortune favours the brave." "11 hours after setting out from Lake Awasa, on our 11th day in Ethiopia, we've almost reached country number ten." "This is Moyale - the frontier town between Ethiopia and Kenya." "We're here thanks to various vehicles - of which this is the most comfortable." "We just hope that the vehicles from AK will be here to meet us." "But at least we're here." "I shall go and have some back surgery immediately." "I never feel comfortable at borders, and there's the fear that there might not be anyone to meet me." "But how could a company with a name like Abercrombie  Kent let you down?" " Hi, Michael." "I'm glad you could made it." " I'm pleased to see you." " You got the message?" " Yeah." "Thank goodness." " How's Monty?" " He's much better." " You might be able to see him in Nairobi." " Good." " Are you Abercrombie or Kent?" " Kabagere." " Mr Abercrombie." "Mr Palin." " Welcome." "Nice to see you." "You don't know how nice!" "So, country number ten." "Shall we go?" "Yes." "Let's get everything sorted." "Let's go." "In contrast to their bleak surroundings, the tribes of Northern Kenya love display." "These are the Samburu - the word means "butterfly"." "I spent time with them nine years ago making "The Missionary"." "Today I'm back in Lerata to see if the roof we built for the school is still there." "They've been told to expect a celebrity." "It's a wonderful welcome... but not for me." "They all love Wendy." "(CHILDREN SHOUT)" "Took you a while!" "Took your time." "It's the hat, isn't it?" "Now you know!" "There you are." "Let's go." "Will you show me the school?" "I want to see if the roof's still on." "It's still on." "Norman Garwood's work for you." "Let's have a look inside." "Hello." "Good morning." "I last came here..." "Hello." "Good morning." " Good morning." " I'm honoured." "Beautifully done." "You must have been practising." "I was here nine years ago to make a film and during the film, our technicians, our carpenters, put a roof on the school." "I'm glad the roof is still on and it's nice to be here again." "Do any of you know where I came from to make the film?" "What country?" " Anyone know what country I come from?" " England." " Very good." "What's your name?" " Solomon." "The wisdom of Solomon." "I come from England." "Does anyone know the capital city of England?" " London." " Very good." "Man in the lovely hat there." "I come from London and this time I've come from somewhere different." "I'm going to show you where I've come from on this world." "I've brought my own world with me." "Encourage me." "Say, "Come on!"" "OK." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Right." "We did it." "Last time I came, we left a roof and this time I'd like to give something to the school because it's close to my heart." "So I want you to have my globe." "This has been with me round the world and this far down the world." " Would you like this for your school?" " Yes." "It's very useful." "You can look at it and you can also play football with it." "There you are." "That's right!" "Oh!" "My world!" "This way." "Be careful with the world!" "I may have left the world behind in Lerata, but I'm also about to leave miles of dirt track." "Where the good road begins, so does old colonial Africa - clustered round Mount Kenya, 1,700 feet high and bang on our halfway mark." "The equator divides the world into two hemispheres." "This is the northern hemisphere and this is the southern hemisphere." "If you drain a sink north of the equator and you watch the water as it drains, you will see that the water always rotates clockwise." "This phenomenon is caused by the rotation of the earth." "The effect is stronger according to how far north or south you are and weaker near to the line." "That's why we have to give some distance from the equator so the rotation can be noticeable." "This is the Coriolis effect." "Peter Muciri has given this lecture every day for six years." "It's delivered in the burnt-out shell of an old hotel." "The equator used to run through the bar." "I bet they floated matches in their beer." "This changes to counter-clockwise now we are in the southern hemisphere." "Now we are right on the equator and as we drain the water there is no rotation - it just drains straight down - and that's how we prove we are on the equator." "It does work." "(WATER TRICKLES)" "(WATER TRICKLES)" "Nairobi is the centre of the safari business." "Safari is a Swahili word meaning "journey"." "Now it's come to mean a journey where animals meet tourists and vice versa." "And a highly competitive business it is too." " Hello." " Jambo." "I'm going on safari for a few days and I've been told if I come to your shop, I'll get a free "I Love Kenya" sticker." " Definitely." " OK." "So what is safari gear?" "We start from trousers, shirts, jackets, shoes, socks." "Everything." " Bring your own underwear, though." " No, we've got that as well." "In khaki." " Do you want to start with the jackets?" " Sure, yeah." "Absolutely." "This is called a photojournalist vest." " I'd like to be a photojournalist." " The pockets are there for films." "Whisky flask there, gin there." " That's fun." " This is camouflage." "We used to have original camouflage but the government banned it because of the army." "People getting muddled up with soldiers?" "This is a zip-off trouser." "You can zip it off and make it into shorts." " I see." " It's multi-purpose." " And there's this." " Show me this." "This has the map of Kenya on it." "It's a map as well." "Find your way around." " It's very "Out Of Africa" style." " Yes." "The uniforms in that movie, we did." " Did you really?" " Yes." "I think the only thing wrong is the hat." "From Nairobi, we descend the eastern rim of the Great Rift Valley - a dramatic 2,000 mile split in the earth's crust, running the length of East Africa." "Wildlife thrives on the valley floor, but we all have one eye on the weather." "It looks as if the rains have broken early." "Maybe this is why it all looks green and cosy - like Surrey with hippos." "In fact, it's the Mara River in Kenya's Masai Mara National Park." "Abercrombie  Kent have camping rights here." "Their vehicles - bogged down by rain - have only just arrived." "It's the old-fashioned way to see animals." "No hotels or lodges, just simple tents and canvas showers." "It's authentic and terribly expensive." "The team that brought me down from the border are looking after me " "Kalului the driver and Wendy, who describes herself as "an old colonial hand"." "Today they're joined by a few extra helpers." "Let me introduce you to Patrick." " This is Michael Palin." " Pleased to meet you." " Welcome to the camp, sir." " A lot of friends." "Patrick, the maître de camp, has safaried with Hemingway, Marshal Tito and Prince Charles." "It's a palace." "This is clearly going to be unlike any other camping holiday I've ever been on." "Thank God." "There's a light here." "Some drinking water." "A match box." "Here's your washing towel." "You can have your washing water here." " Outside bathroom." " Just to wash your hands." " OK, thank you." "Welcome, sir." " Thank you very much, Patrick." "(GRUNTING)" "Unfortunately, the jacuzzi's already full." "As we're going to be here a day or two, I think I'd better go and introduce myself." "I swear they can understand every word I say." "Their expressions make me feel I know what they're saying too." ""0h, no." "Not another film crew."" "Safari life starts early." "As the sun rises over the Masai Mara, the animal spotter must be on the move." "Like a military operation," "Kalului, my driver, and Wendy, my guide, stalk their prey." "There, beneath a tree - twin symbols of the British Empire, watching the world go by." "(WENDY) These two fairer ones - this one and that one over there - are obviously brothers." "They've probably been kicked out of the pride six months ago and they've joined up with this older male." "They won't mature until they're about five." "(PALIN) Are they learning from the older male?" "(WENDY) Hopefully he's going to teach them how to behave and become real men!" "Lie down all day!" "Is this how they spend their day?" "This is how they spend their day." "Later on, they might peruse the menu." "They generally kill after dark." "Life isn't quite as relaxed for the vegetarians." "They have to eat little and often." "(WENDY) He's a fairly young male." "The old males have a very much higher, knobblier bump..." "So he's quite a young male." "(PALIN) He's going to go on tiptoe." "(WENDY) You can understand how they keep these trees cropped." "These two..." "Almost practising "necking"." "That's the way they fight for dominance." "They call it necking." "They stand hip to hip and swing their necks into each other." "(PALIN) What predators go for giraffe?" "(WENDY) Lion." "Leopard don't touch giraffe." "You're doing it the wrong way, kids." "You're not supposed to hit them up the backside." "Watching other lives tends to make you forget your own." "But where does a human being find a bite to eat?" "AKsafaris has the answer." "Why is it different colours?" "The "0ut 0f Africa" breakfast." "Coffee, please." "Coffee and croissants on the 0lololo Escarpment - where Robert Redford was once buried." " Coffee, please." " Green is the burnt grass?" " Yes." " How so?" "We've had a bit of rain." "What they do before the rain comes is they burn extensively to get rid of the rank stuff, and then, of course, as soon as the rain comes, all this green grass pops up." "Why is the Masai Mara unique?" "What's unique about the Mara, I suppose, is it's just an extension of the Serengeti." "There's a border between, which is why it's named differently." "Masai Mara means "spotted"" "and the Serenget - the correct name for the Serengeti - means "wide, empty place"." " Is anywhere fenced?" " No." "It's completely open." "The animals don't know about borders and they pop in and out - like the migration." "While we have our egg and bacon, the zebra and antelope have their grass." "And the cheetah have their zebra and antelope." "Lower down the food chain, storks and vultures have their own "0ut 0f Africa" breakfast." "The heavens open and the Masai Mara turns to impassable mud." "We've nothing to do but sit and wait and listen to the sound of smug hippos." "(GRUNTING)" "Next morning, we see Kenya from a different angle in two of the largest hot-air balloons in the world." "Each one stands 90 feet high and carries a dozen people." " Have you been ballooning before?" " This is the height I like!" "Most of my basket are American." " And you went ballooning?" " Palm Springs." " Aspen." "Aspen, Colorado." " Aspen?" "The pilot is incorrigibly British." "Will we clear the other balloon or not?" "Baboon in the tree ahead of us." "It's a grey, gloomy dawn." "As we rise above the Mara River, the first doubts creep in." " Do we see a lot of game, usually?" " Yes." "There's waterbuck ahead of us." "The rare appearance of any animal has an electrifying effect on the basket." " What do you think of it so far?" " Wonderful." " Having fun?" " Yes." "It's incredible." "I'm gaining a little bit of height and then we can go a little while without putting the burner on." "My spirits, like my hat, are sagging a bit this morning." "It's like a November day in Manchester." "I need some of the pilot's enthusiasm." " How long have you been here, John?" " Since 1983." "I came for three months and I've been here eight years. 2,000 champagne breakfasts!" "How did you start ballooning?" "Were you a pilot?" "No." "I started as a hobby and then I joined a balloon syndicate." "How many hours do you have to have flown before you can pilot this?" "We need a minimum of 300 hours as P-One" " Pilot In Charge - before we can actually take anybody." "We've got very big balloons." "It's one of the world's top operations, so we can be choosy." "Why do you have such big balloons?" "Conditions are good enough and the experience is good enough." "As the balloons go down, the sun breaks through and the plains come to life." "(PALIN) Do you see cubs smaller than that?" "(WENDY) Not very often." "In fact, these are the first cubs I've seen this year and it's already October." "That little one has followed Mum." "The other three are down there." " Is that one weaker or stronger?" " He's a dominant one." "Could be a male." "When he gets to six or eight months, he's going to show off for the tourists." "They're going down now." "You're going the wrong way, kids." "They're so cute." "One of them's very runty." "That small one obviously tried to get up the wrong way." "She may be going to hide them." "Maybe not." "(PALIN) She feels pretty secure." "She's leaving them to their own devices." "Is she just going to leave that one behind?" "(WENDY) I hope not." "(PALIN) No, she's going back." "They're all going off very purposefully." "(WENDY) She's gone to look for it." "(PALIN) That's a relief." "I thought the weak one she'd leave behind." "(WENDY) Very often that's what happens." "(PALIN) She's picked it up." "(WENDY) Isn't that great?" "I love the way he keeps his feet up." "(PALIN) I suppose he's just enjoying the ride." "She's dropped him." "Very summary." "Plop." "Extraordinary." "Learning trunk technique here." "Look at this." "So cute." "Still very close to Mum." "Is that because we're here?" " They normally travel like that." " That's a good pair of tusks." "Babies suffer from sunstroke." "They always have to be under Mummy's tummy." " A mud bath?" " Wonderful to watch them bathing." "In the dry weather, if they bath, then they seem to dust themselves down with earth." "This is probably to protect their hide and maybe to get rid of parasites." "See?" "It's washing behind its ear?" "And now he's rubbing his eye." " There doesn't seem to be any water." " Just a little puddle." "That's lovely." "It's so funny to see them do that." "Look." "Oh, bliss." "The animals are constantly on the move." "These wildebeest head south on their annual migration." "The skill of the driver is to know where they are and why." "Kabagere and Kalului are two of the best." "How old do you have to be to drive?" "Now you have to be 24 years to drive a vehicle." "Yes." " That includes private cars?" " Yes." "Everyone must be 24 years." " How old are you?" " I'm 33 years now." " Can I ask how old you are?" " Me?" " You don't have to answer." " Can you guess?" " Early 40s?" " More than 40, my friend." "More than 40. 50?" "Guess." "Nearly." " Nearly 50?" " Yes." " All right." " More than 50." " 52?" " Near." "Am I within five years?" "I don't know how old because my father has not been at school and he's not writing when I born." "So I am thinking I am 53 or 54 - between there." " How old are you?" " I'm 48." " 48?" "You are very young." " But I don't know as much as you know." "Kalului, this morning when we were going through the wildebeest and zebra, for the first time I heard the sound of zebras." "What is that sound zebra make?" "(KALULUl) The zebras make noise... (YIPPING)" " That is a zebra." " When they're frightened?" "It's because they are scared or sometimes they are warning." "I bet you can't do a hippo." "(GRUNTING YELPS)" "(PALIN) There's a lot of..." " They did that all night at the camp." " Always at night." "Kept going to the toilet thinking it was me." "You know the tail in the water?" "(SWISHING SOUND)" " Did you hear that?" " Yeah." "OK." "Last one." "Thomson's gazelle." "(IMITATES SPITTING)" "You don't want to do it?" "What's happened to you?" "Is that really what they do?" "Maybe not much sound, but they make noise about warning or they're calling their baby." "What is it again?" "Not a very nice way to carry on, is it?" "No wonder they get eaten." "Like the wildebeest, we must keep moving." "Lake Victoria blocks our way west and to regain 30 degrees, we must make for Dodoma in Tanzania." "We hope to get a train to the shores of Lake Tanganyika." "It's another thousand miles of detour." "The sight of the border offers encouragement and also a reminder that travel in Africa can't be rushed." "0n the border we find a group of migrants a long way from their territory." " Where are you from?" " Australia, New Zealand." "Where are you going?" "Nowhere at the moment!" " Safari, then going home." " Hopefully down to Harare in five weeks." " In this?" " Yeah." "We hope!" "We've been push-starting it for four days." " You have food with you?" " Yep." "Stale bread." "It's going to get a lot staler." "Where did you start from?" "Nairobi." " Is this the holiday of a lifetime?" " An adventure!" "The driver looks absolutely shattered." "How are you?" "This is a pretty ancient vehicle." "It's a 1959 M-A-N." "German." "Built for the Russian Front!" " I don't know how they got as far as they did." " Are you the sort of guide?" " Yeah." "Me and Dave here." " Where's Dave?" "Dave?" "I've been away from home a long time!" "I've forgotten sexual differences!" "Hi, Dave." "If we can be of help, we will." " I think we've got it going now." " As long as I don't have to push." " That's exactly what you have to do." " Really?" "OK." "Just this once." "As the German army pushes forward, so do we - into country number eleven." "I'm immediately endeared to Tanzania." "It's the only country I've been to with its name on the gate." "There's a lot of bureaucracy." "It takes four hours to complete our paperwork." "Wendy has stayed in Kenya, but Kalului has agreed to take us on to the railhead at Dodoma." "0ur route takes us across one of the richest areas of wildlife - the Serengeti National Park." "It's lunchtime in the Serengeti and wildebeest is dish of the day." "The lions have first choice." "Vultures wait to help with the washing-up." "At least these lions are free to hunt." "Before the National Park was created, anyone with a licence could have shot them." "This is epic country." "The Rift Valley is studded with extinct volcanoes." "Here, the earliest evidence of human life has been found." "(COWBELLS CLANG)" "Masai cowbells have been described as "the sound of Africa"." "Cattle pass along the northern slopes of one of the sights of Africa - a volcanic crater, 12 and a half miles wide." "That is incredible." "It's a childhood dream." "Ever since I could speak my first words of Swahili," "I had to go to the Ngorongoro Crater." "And here I am." "Now I'm here, I don't really know what to do with it." "I mean, it is..." "It taxes the superlatives." "Stupendous, amazing, fantastic." "You can't take it home, so have a look at it, make up your own word for the Ngorongoro Crater experience." "Not for the first time, I want to stop - to stay here surrounded by these splendours." "Seems ridiculous to say I've a train to catch." "After driving all day on roads of dust and stones, we reach the capital." "Few more exhausted travellers can ever have checked in at the Railway Hotel, Dodoma." "There's nothing wrong with the Railway Hotel." "My mosquito net had holes in it - each big enough for a pterodactyl to get through - but there was plenty of art and even live music." "(RATHER OUT OF TUNE PIANO)" "It's certainly very handy for the shops." "Dodoma city centre is full of things to see." "A road sign reminds us that in Swahili "Polepole" means "Go slowly"." "As if we didn't know." "The buildings of Dodoma say a lot about the country." "This is the Tanzanian parliament - modest and accessible." "But dwarfing everything are the Christian cathedrals." "Religion seems to be a growth industry - one form of foreign investment the government has no qualms about." "0ur train should have left Dar Es Salaam 24 hours ago." "No one seems to know where it is." "For us, it's an absolutely vital connection." "From here we make a sharp change of course back to 30 degrees to Lake Tanganyika and the heart of Africa." "As soon as the train comes to a halt, activity erupts around it." "The station becomes a market." "(LOUD VOICES)" "It's hot, noisy and confusing - not the best time to leave friends behind." "Cheers, Kabagere." "Thank you very much for driving us and putting up with us." " It's a long way you came with us." " We wish you a very good journey." " Find a nice girl!" " Oh, yes!" " Kalului, thanks ever so much." " Sorry for bumping you." "You must tell the road menders." "I've got something for you." "You said you wanted a map." "Have that." "I'll ask." "Someone will know the way." "Bye." "Thanks very much." "0ne driver has just been to hospital with malaria." "Are you OK?" "Take care." "Thanks very much." " We'll miss you." " Have a good time." "Safe journey back." "Mind the bumps." "Bye." "There's a whole lot of unit luggage in here!" "That's why I can't get on." "Luggage, four chickens and three ladies from the Christian Mission." "Dodoma slips away." "The bush closes in - dry and empty, apart from the odd cathedral." "The restaurant car's packed." "These travellers are the elite of Tanzania - civil servants, doctors, footballers." " What team do you play for?" " Now?" "CDA." "CDA." "Do you have divisions like a sort of?" " Second division." " Second division." "That's a mean-looking fish." "What is this fish?" " I don't know." " Just eat it and see." "He tells me that CDA stands for "Capital Development Authority"." "Not an easy one to chant on the terraces." "The fish is quite edible - if you've a degree in microsurgery." "I thought it was the tea for a minute." "Do you serve tea?" "Chai?" "No chai?" " Harold?" " Harold?" "Harold!" "Do me some tea?" "He's going to get some?" "Very good." "Thank you." "One tea, no sugar." "That's lovely." "Thank you very much." "Lovely." "That's better." "I find myself pleasantly surprised by a choice of toilet facilities." ""Lavatory." "High Type." This is my type, for Europeans." "There's nothing there." "It's not there." "There's not a single thing." "It's vanished, gone." "Have a look." "Not a sausage!" "Well, it's the Low Type for me." "I always prefer the Low Type." "Go away." "18 hours into the journey and I'm still looking for the High Type." "The train, like most African trains, is a continuation of life at home." "0n our journey, a baby girl is born in the restaurant - the best thing they produce." "The train is the only way of crossing the country." "There are no roads, only hundreds of miles of swamp." "At every station, however remote, our arrival is a major event and a major boost for local business." "Boys click money at me." "Men click mousetraps." "I need one for my room!" "You could probably find a pair of Cup Final tickets." "We're close to the centre of Africa." "It's not at all how I imagined it." "Where are the jungles and the drums and the shadows amongst the trees?" "Lake Tanganyika could well be a Scottish loch, give or take the odd banana tree." "Perhaps Darkest Africa was just a state of mind." "Journey's end - 27 hours after leaving Dodoma." "I never did find the High Type, or a water supply, or a fan that worked." "In fact, I feel like a used paper bag." "But it's where I am that's important." "This is a major milestone." "This is Kigoma." "We've completed a huge month-long arc from Khartoum to get us back to 30 degrees." "We're on 30 degrees - a bit late, but not late enough to miss the boat, which leaves soon." "That will take me on the next stage, south at last, down Lake Tanganyika to Mpulungu." "Kigoma is a surprise." "It has some fine buildings built by German colonialists, who saw it as a health spa." "The Railway Hotel - where Lake Tanganyika stretches across to Zaire - looks healthy enough." "(MOSQUITO BUZZES)" "Sadly, it isn't." "This corner of paradise is serious mosquito country." "(PALIN LAUGHS)" "Welcome to my wedding day!" "There we are." "Let's try this." "That's more like it." "(MOSQUITOES BUZZ)" "I enjoy getting bitten while I'm doing this!" "That's good." "That's not bad." "Not bad." "Hey!" "I did it." "It's wonderful." "I've gone." "I've cracked!" "Next morning I learn a few sober realities from our taxi driver." "He's also the local doctor." "The chances of you getting serious malaria when you come to this area are higher as you don't have any immunity to malaria because you have not been exposed to it." "Exposure will prevent me, who is indigenous to this place, from getting malaria, but you will be at great risk of getting it." "If we both get malaria, you will suffer... you stand a chance of suffering a more severe malaria than I would suffer for the same number of parasites in the blood." "Cut off from the rest of the country, except by boat and train," "Kigoma has developed the easy-going, cosmopolitan atmosphere of a port." "Its cultural connections are as close to Zaire and Burundi as they are to Tanzania, and perhaps closest of all to America." "The trade around Lake Tanganyika has not always been honourable." "Down the coast is Ujiji - once the slave capital of Central Africa." "It was slavery that brought Livingstone here 120 years ago." " How far is it to Ujiji?" " Ujiji?" "Near the..." " How many hours?" " One hours." "What is at Ujiji?" "Is it a town?" "Ujiji is a town." "They want in..." "Village of Livingstone." "It was on this spot, under a mango tree, 120 years ago, that Livingstone and Stanley had their meeting." "They were the only two white men for a thousand miles." "They came up to each other, doffed their hats and this conversation took place." "Stanley - "Dr Livingstone, I presume."" "Livingstone - "Yes."" "Stanley - "Doctor, I thank God I have been permitted to shake hands with you."" "Livingstone - "I feel thankful that I am here to welcome you."" "It's amazing that such a boring conversation could be remembered for 120 years." "Stanley was embarrassed that all his fine words failed him at the vital moment." "Happens to all of us." "(MUTTERS) "Doctor, I thank God I've been permitted to shake hands with you."" ""Yes." "Presume I Livingstone Doctor." Nothing wrong with that." "For those who want more, there is a small museum." "Here the great moment has been captured in papier mché by a local school master." "That's about all there is in the museum at Ujiji." "The town has not much changed from Livingstone's day - except the slave masters have gone." "Now it's a town of small businesses." ""Kakazinga Shoe Polishers"," ""Vatican Hardware Supplies" and, my favourite, "Super Volcano Tailoring"." "Lake Tanganyika stretches 400 miles down the Rift Valley." "We shall travel to its southernmost point - Mpulungu in Zambia." "It'll be a slow journey." "The motor vessel Liemba stops everywhere." "It's the only link between the towns and villages on the shoreline." "We pass a barge packed with refugees from the violence in Zaire." "They wait patiently in the heat, hoping the Tanzanian authorities will accept them." "The Liemba was built here by the Germans in 1914." "After the First World War they scuttled her." "She was raised by the British and put back into service." "She's said to be the oldest working ferry in the world." "I'm one of the lucky ones." "I have a first-class cabin." "The Liemba makes about nine knots, but ships half her age would have gone to the knacker's yard long ago." "Her captain is called Beatus T. Mghamba." "What are the problems of being captain of such an old ship?" "The problem is how to manoeuvre the ship." "The ship is big but the engines are very small, so the horsepower is very small, so manoeuvring is a little bit difficult." "What about your navigation on Lake Tanganyika?" "Is that easy?" "Yes, through experience it is OK, there is no problem, but the lake is not yet surveyed, so it needs experience, familiarisation." " Do you not have a chart?" " We don't have a chart." "Is that why you cannot go in close to ports?" "Yes." "That is the only reason." "Getting close to the land, maybe you can get some problems because the lake is not surveyed." "The Liemba makes 15 stops." "But it doesn't go to the villages - the villages come to the Liemba." "I give up trying to make my cabin work and go to wash in the first-class bathroom." "Here I can enjoy the unashamed luxury of running water... unstoppable running water." "The facilities may be lacking, but the entertainment cannot be faulted." "Today we're attacked by a wedding party." "(NOISY SHOUTING AND DRUMMING)" "Getting on and off is a scene of frenzy which makes London commuters look like Zen Buddhists." "The guests wave goodbye and offer traditional thanks to the wedding photographer." "Catching the venerable vessel, the Liemba, may be our most important connection so far." "It was the only way out of Kigoma and if we'd missed it, we'd have been there for another week." "Also it marks the end of the most difficult countries to travel through in Africa, and we're now on course for Zambia, Zimbabwe and South Africa, to arrive at our next important deadline of December 3rd " "the sailing of the Agulhas for the Antarctic from Cape Town." "The only slightly ominous thing is that we have places on the Agulhas - which is a scientific supply ship - but we haven't heard if they're confirmed." "Maybe it's because we've been in the back of beyond and communications are difficult." "Hopefully we'll hear in Zambia that we've got those places and we're set for the South Pole." "As we approach Zambia, I have the distinct feeling that we have been through the worst." "I think that must be about the fourth time I've felt that." "(DRUMS AND CHANTING)" "In a room in a bungalow in Mpulungu, Zambia, a man believed to be a murderer is undergoing ritual interrogation." "His interrogator, dressed in red, calls himself Doctor Baela - the healer." "0thers call him a witch doctor." "(DRUMS AND RATTLING)" "This ceremony - a disturbing combination of exorcism, magic show and histrionics - is my introduction to one of the more advanced ex-British colonies of Africa." "Dr Baela has only recently arrived in town from Zaire." "He's already caught a thief." "He's a big attraction." "He agrees to give me a private consultation - in public." " Have I any evil spirits in me?" " (INTERPRETER SPEAKS)" "(SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)" "(INTERPRETER) He says you have got a shadow." "You have got a shadow." "This shadow is an evil shadow." "I have an evil shadow?" "(INTERPRETER SPEAKS)" " (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)" " It is a bad shadow." " What form does the shadow take?" " (BAELA SPEAKS)" "(INTERPRETER) He can see a shadow of a woman." "I don't know who she is." "What does she look like?" "(INTERPRETER) She is not tall." "She is fat, a bit." "I have a long journey ahead of me." "Is this shadow dangerous for me?" "(INTERPRETER SPEAKS)" "With his mesmerising, high-pitched voice and lazy, bloodshot, unavoidable eyes," "Dr Baela is certainly charismatic." "But should I believe him?" "(INTERPRETER) You have a bad shadow." "You can be rich, but sometimes that thing can drive out all your wealth." " Can drive out?" " All your riches." " All my?" " Your money, wealth." " I see." "Can drive out all my money." " Just like stealing." "When he tells me I'm bewitched by an evil shadow, it hardly matters what I believe - everyone else believes him." "Can he help me?" "Yes, he can help with medicine, but it won't be on the National Health." "What is in the medicine?" "(INTERPRETER) The medicine is to wash in, not to drink." " I wash in the medicine?" " Yes." "Half expecting him to produce a chicken, I'm relieved to be prescribed tree bark - one of his less menacing props." "(INTERPRETER) It's to wash the evil spirits from your body." "I'm not sure how I'm going to wash with it." "Maybe I should just clout the evil spirits." "Thank you." "There is another side to life in Mpulungu - the refreshingly un-spellbinding world of fish." "100 tons of Lake Tanganyika's finest is shipped south every month." "It's the direction we must go." "We've been trying to reach the tip of Africa in time to catch the supply ship, Agulhas, which makes the only yearly crossing to Antarctica from Cape Town." "If we miss this connection, we fail to reach the Pole." "I take the first fish lorry out of town." "I feel as weary now as at any time on the journey." "It could be the heat, the memory of Dr Baela, or the realisation of the distance we still have ahead of us." "Even the news seems ominous - in the first democratic election for 18 years," "Kenneth Kaunda has been rejected by the people he's ruled since independence." "(KAUNDA 0N RADl0) I tried to do my very best for Zambia, its people and mankind as a whole." "If my very best did not completely meet the aspirations of all those I tried to serve, this was never out of lack of choice." "This is the nature of multiparty politics." "You win some and you lose some elections." "(PALIN) Not everybody's as gloomy as me and Kenneth Kaunda." "For the supporters of Frederick Chiluba, the slogan has worked - their hour has come." "It is our duty to build this vibrant Zambia." "The hour..." "The hour is ours." "(THEY CHANT)" "Unfortunately, they think that the coming of their hour is being witnessed by a BBC news crew." "It's too late to tell them these pictures won't be on for a year." " Have a beer." "It's great." "Congratulations." " Thanks." " Keep the hour going." " To the Third Republic." "Is that right?" " Yeah." " Takes me back." "I still don't really understand the politics." "200 miles south from Mpulungu, my already confused system experiences violent culture shock." "This is Shiwa - an English country estate in the heart of the Zambian bush." "It's owned and run by John Harvey and his wife, Lorna." "They've agreed to put us up." "I'm not sure if I'm really here at all." "It's like a tired traveller's dream - everything you think you miss about Britain." "The dream was here long ago." "It belonged to Lorna's father, Sir Stewart Gore-Browne." "He came to this hilltop 80 years ago." "He now lies buried here." "0n his grave is the name the local people gave him" " Chipembele." "It means "rhinoceros"." "A rhino charges and then stops, and he was just like that - evil-tempered man, and he would get very angry and five minutes later could be asking for a loan." "Our children are like that." "Here, he wanted to recreate the type of life that he'd known in England - a big house, a big estate, himself as the squire." "(LIVELY SINGING)" "His paternalist ambitions were not only fulfilled, they still shape life at Shiwa." "Every Sunday, the wives and children of the estate process to the Gore-Browne chapel." "There are always two services, one Catholic, one Protestant, according to which missionary got there first." "This is the Catholic service and they're singing the "Gloria"." "Sir Stewart's military background still casts a long shadow over Shiwa." "This is the muster ceremony." "Every morning at seven o'clock, the estate workers are summoned for roll-call." "Each man is then given his daily tasks." "The man who may inherit Sir Stewart's dream is John Harvey's son, David." "He learnt farming in England." "Conditions are tougher here." "As a precaution against ticks, Shiwa's cattle must be put through the dip once every week." "There are 2,000 of them." "The process takes three days." "A 150% inflation rate is the last in a series of misfortunes that have beset the Harveys." "They've always had to be ingenious, but the estate is littered with the ghosts of "good ideas at the time"." "This was an essential-oils factory supplying perfumes to Europe." "Since then they've tried timber, eggs, chickens." "Nothing lasted for long." "John won't give up." "His latest hope is a safari company." "If you look around Zambia, you will find that people like David, my son, are staying here." "His two brothers are here." "There are lots of people of that age group - trained overseas, educated in England - who are coming back because they feel there is a life to be made here and that they can make enough money to live happily." "Do you think you will retire or will you always be running Shiwa?" "Well..." "Remember I told you that I was a soldier and there is a saying that old soldiers fade away." " They never die." " No, they never die!" "I think that's going to happen to me." "Every evening, the flag bearing the Harvey coat of arms is lowered and dinner is taken in the traditional British style - but the talk is of Africa." "I was taken to see a witch doctor in Mpulungu who told me that I had an evil shadow and gave me something to get rid of it." "I thought at the time, "This is a joke, a fraud."" "But ever since, especially as I didn't feel well the night afterwards," "I've thought, is there anything in it?" " What do you think?" " I think there is a darker side." "I know of an incident in Chisamba, where we have another farm, of a farmer losing a motor, having a motor stolen, and he got very frustrated and ended up bringing in the witch doctor." "And he lined all his staff up and the witch doctor tapped each member of staff on the shoulders with a stick, and walked down this line." "Eventually he came to a man and he tapped him on the shoulder and tore a strip of skin off him." "This man then duly broke down and cried and admitted he was involved with stealing the motor." " Would you use a witch doctor?" " I think I would." "That makes me feel awful." "Since I left Shiwa, another chapter has been written in its brave but blighted history." "John and Lorna Harvey were attacked and killed in southern Zambia six months later." "At the nearest railhead we pick up a train with a family travelling with everything and the kitchen sink." "I'm glad to be back on trains where, however briefly, you do run the risk of meeting people." "There seemed to be your whole house going onto the train." "My son is moving to Livingstone." "It's my son's household." "And what did he have?" "Bed, chairs and table." " Has he taken everything?" " Everything." "No problem finding a seat in the dining car." "This is due to a complete lack of anything on which to dine." "Everything except the tablecloth is off." "Few borders are as emphatic as that between Zambia and Zimbabwe at the Victoria Falls." "The River Zambezi, which marks the frontier, plunges 300 feet over cliffs a mile long." "The column of spray thrown up can be seen 20 miles away." "It drew Livingstone here in 1855 - the first white man to set eyes on the falls." "At the bottom of the gorge, the river is flung about in a series of tortuous rapids." "There are people crazy enough to take boats over them and, what's more, people daft enough to pay them to do it." "I'll try to make it easy for you to know which side is going first onto the downstream side." "The way I'll do it is to call for that side which is going first onto the downstream side." "When I say, "Crush forward", the first three go to crush and two go right up on top." "Hang on." "This is the world of white-water rafting." "Alex, our driver and guide, may look like Superman but he's as tightly wrapped in a life jacket as the rest of us." "When I call "Go", turn around and face onto the wave side." "You guys all set?" "Go!" "Come on back!" "0ne of us has fallen overboard already." "This doesn't bode at all well." " You ready for some action?" " We've just had some." "Let's go rafting." "I have the extraordinary sensation that my stomach is several yards behind me." "For those interested in technicalities - Nigel's camera is strapped to his shoulder and my microphone is waterproofed inside three condoms." "I'm still here." "You haven't got rid of me yet." "There's harder ones to come." "Starting from rapid number four will be some real good white water." "Big class-four rapid." "After that rapid, number five is a class-five rapid and then we're riding in some good class-four and five white water." "What's the class system of rapids then?" "What's the worst?" "The highest class you can run in a raft is a class five." "So we're going for the highest?" "We are." "It's one of the biggest white waters you can get in the whole world." "So we're doing some real white-water rafting." "(SCREAMING)" "There's hardly time for fear, though at this point I distinctly remember something I want to change in my will." "The joy of survival is tempered by the knowledge that there's worse to come." "(SCREAMING)" "The final irony is that in sheer exhilaration at surviving nine rapids," "I swim for shore, hit a rock, and crack a rib." "Next day, I make my way painfully slowly across the Zambezi Bridge, trying to ignore any connection between witch doctors and rafting." "But if I think I did something silly yesterday, watch this." "A man throws himself into the 300-foot gorge... and back again." "For fun." "This is the sport of bungee jumping." "It makes white-water rafting look like a day at the paddling pool." "And it's so popular that people are actually queuing to jump off." "Five, four, three, two, one..." "Bungee!" "If something about the Zambezi Gorge attracts loonies, then something about Zambia has attracted misfortune." "Apart from my rib, I've had a suitcase stolen and one of our crew has had malaria." "Last night I finally tried Dr Baela's medicine." "Perhaps it was a bit late." "Anyway, the end of the bridge marks somewhere new" " Zimbabwe." "At first Zimbabwe looks old-fashioned but, compared to Zambia, it's a land of progress." "Blessed with huge coal reserves, they've kept a lot of steam engines - and not just for nostalgia." "But Bulawayo station does take me back a few years to those days before white-water rafting when climbing on the footplate at Sheffield Midland was the ultimate excitement." "With a cracked rib, it's the ultimate test of the unreformed trainspotter." " How old is this locomotive?" " I think it's about 30 years old." " How old are you?" " I'm 34." " About the same age." " Almost the same." "Why did you become an engine driver?" "I've always liked trains." "I used to like trains when I was young." "The railways of southern Africa were once described as "the sinews of empire"." "The man who built them was Cecil John Rhodes." "His mixture of megalomania and foresight opened up the continent and created a country in his name" " Rhodesia." "This train proves he put his money where his mouth was." "A hundred years ago it was all the rage to have your own railway coach, and as Rhodes owned a large chunk of Africa, he was not to be left out." "This one was made for him by Pullman in 1895 and has everything your African commuter could want." "A complete kitchen range and many other delights besides." "His own bathroom complete with enamel bath." "Bedroom - mahogany panelled." "And his reception room where he could entertain other people who'd made spectacular amounts of money from carving up Africa." "This was also the coach in which he made his last journey." "At the age of 49 in 1902 he was brought from Cape Town, where he died, to the place where he had requested to be buried, just outside Bulawayo." "In his will he wrote, "I admire the grandeur of the Matapos Mountains in Rhodesia." ""Therefore I desire to be buried on the hill which I called 'The View of The World'" ""in a square to be cut in the rock, covered by a brass plate with these words thereon." ""Here lie the remains of Cecil John Rhodes."" "Here, despite threats by Zimbabwe's rulers to dig him up and send him back," "Cecil Rhodes, the empire builder, still lies." "Rhodesia disappeared a decade ago after a violent guerrilla war, but the country feels as English as anywhere I've been." "Bulawayo's streets and parks are evidence of that most European concept - civic pride." "The trauma of independence has had little effect on the BBC - the Bulawayo Bowling Club." "Membership has dwindled from 400 to 120, but there are still five greens and Pearle Sheppard, the club secretary, is bullish." "Our youngest member is a boy of about 14." "Goes to boarding school, so he just plays at school holidays." "Our oldest member is that lady you saw on the green." "She's 86." "So you get a very representative crowd - people from all walks of life and all ages all come and play bowls." " Do you have any black African players?" " We don't, no." "The Africans are not particularly interested in bowls." "All the clubs are open, of course." "The only black bowlers in Bulawayo belong to the Blind Bowlers Association." "They have been brought into the game through the association that helps blind people, and they encourage them to play bowls." "It's fantastic to see some of them play because they might not be able to see, yet they sometimes play incredible bowls." "0ne place no member of the BBC would be seen is the gloriously named Umshitshimbo Beer Garden." "# Young boy dances, left in a dusty township... #" "The Umshitshimbo Garden is a concrete patch behind a downtown hotel, but it's one of the most popular places in Bulawayo to drink and jive." "The music scene is thriving." "Bands like Southern Freeway - fronted by a South African, Steve Dyer - pack the place." "(SOUTHERN FREEWAY SING "THABISO")" "There's low life and high life at the Umshitshimbo." "Shots of gin top up the lager, and when the band stops, there are long announcements on the dangers of AIDS." "No one listens." "Still, it's the happiest memory I take away from Bulawayo." "(SOUTHERN FREEWAY CONTINUE SINGING "THABISO")" "200 miles south, we reach our last country in Africa - our springboard to Antarctica and the South Pole." "0n the banks of the Limpopo, miles of razor wire guard the Republic of South Africa from the rest of the world." "Life changes completely." "Despite years of sanctions and universal ostracism, Western luxury starts here." "Where else in Africa could you rent a white BMW?" "Country number 14 is undergoing as profound a change as any we've passed through." "Four months before we arrived, apartheid was officially abolished." "No one quite knows where South Africa goes next." "In the shadow of slag heaps is Johannesburg - the biggest city we've seen since Cairo." "Unlike Cairo, Johannesburg is cool, calm and corporate." "Retrieving the gold on which their wealth is built leads to spectacular engineering." " We're travelling at 70 metres a second." " 70 metres a second." "Two kilometres down." "This is Western Deep Levels mine." "It's in the "Guinness Book of Records" for the deepest penetration of man into the earth." "Two and a half miles." "7,000 men work down here." "They're drawn from so many different tribes that a mining language has developed." "Fanakalo is the Esperanto of the mines." "It's taught in the world's deepest classroom." "Yenalo... sar-har." "Yenalo... sar-har." "Yenalo... sar-har." "Yenalo... sar-har." "Ini-lo." "(CLASS) Yenalo... sar-har." "Yenalo... spa-ne-rer." "Yenalo... spa-ne-rer." "Yenalo spa-ne-rer." "Mosheh." "Ini-lo?" " Yenalo spa-ne-r." " Spa-ne-rer." "Ini-lo?" " Yenalo spa-ne-rer." " Mosheh." "Spa-ne-rer." "Armed with the word for "spanner", we leave the air-conditioned tunnels for where mining gets painful." " Bit dangerous here." " Where's the water from?" "This is from where they're drilling." "It's drilling water." "We're walking up the strike gully towards the strike itself." " We'll be going up a ladderway." " Sure." " It's quite hot now, isn't it?" " Yeah." "Hot and wet." "It's 30 degrees centigrade." "Crouched in a chamber four foot high, a team has been drilling for six hours." "0ne man operates the drill, one checks the equipment, one directs cooling water." "An engineer directs operations into an inch-wide gold-bearing seam." "He's the only white man." "It takes nearly four hours to change shifts." "The technicians are gathering at the crucible." "It's a very select band that witnesses the final act of the drama." "Is the gold coming through?" "If you look there, you'll see the gold is now a greeny-silvery colour." " It's changing, yeah." " You see it coming through the top." "That's how you know where the gold is coming out." "So how much gold is there in this particular smelting?" "In this one we're probably getting about three bars of gold - that's about 80 kilograms." "Why do you have feather dusters in here?" "It's a very industrial environment and there are feather dusters." "What are they for?" "All the dust in the smelt house could contain gold, so every spot of dust is collected and put into the furnace." "Nothing is taken out." "Even overalls are put into the furnace sometimes." " I won't get an internal check?" " No." "In Johannesburg, I'm made aware of how long I've been away." "We left in high summer." "Now it's less than a month to the festive season." "(HE HUMS "IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER")" "# Snow had fallen snow on snow" "# Snow on snow" "# In the bleak midwinter long ago #" "There's nothing like Christmas to provoke homesickness." "But if all goes well, I could get home from the South Pole in time to start shopping." "(BELL RINGS)" "But Africa has one last and particularly nasty trick in store for us." "Back at the hotel, a message is waiting." "Though it isn't from my witch doctor, it might as well be." "I can't quite believe the news and double-check with our production office in London." "Hello." "Mimi?" "Yeah." "It's Michael." "I've just got your fax." "Yeah." "I can't believe it." "Is that?" "About the Agulhas." "They have no berths at all?" "The Agulhas is sailing to Antarctica, but all places on board have been taken." "There is no room for us." "While our London office tries every alternative, we can only hope and wait." "We decide to spend the day at Soweto." "It has a Latin motto." ""Conjuncte Agamus" - "Let's pull together"." "The place is full of surprises." "This house, I'm told, boasts the ultimate in status symbols - a white security guard." "Jimmy, my guide, lives round here." "He's a man of sharp wit and little sentiment." "He tells me that in Soweto, BMWstill means "Break My Windows"." "Jimmy, to all intents and purposes, this looks like the Beverly Hills of Soweto." "What sort of people live here?" "(JIMMY) It's the affluent black people." "Professional people, businessmen, doctors, lawyers..." "Successful people, hard workers." "These are the people who work for the bank, not in the bank." "(PALIN) If you make a lot of money in Soweto, do people tend to stay here or want to move?" "(JIMMY) There's a feeling of people moving." "I've been seeing signs - "For Sale" - because the Group Areas Act is over, so it's a question now of economic apartheid." "Those who have the money can move with the Joneses." "(PALIN) Why do they move from Soweto?" "(JIMMY) It's a feeling of... people tend to look for what they couldn't be given." "What you were prohibited from doing is exactly what you want to do." "Now it's open, people feel it's much nicer in the city, in the suburbs." "Convenient." "Five minutes drive from wherever to the city or buses and transportation." "Transportation is a way to make money in Soweto." "So serious is the violence on railways that Sowetans prefer to fight for a place on a private minibus." "There are currently 145,000 of them, and the numbers are rising." "Simply because there's more people..." "Soweto was set up in 1933 to house a cheap labour force." "Shanty settlements like this one are the legacy of that decision." "These are the families of people who are not wanted and probably never will be." "If you leave your family, you could try one of the hostels." "Jimmy doesn't recommend it." "How can you have 16 men in one room?" "16 smells of food - this one cooking that, this one doing this." "Sometimes people want to rest - you've been working at night, others during the day." "Men in general put together." "These are the barbers." "Street barbers." "Money making, of course." "It's connected electrically from the battery." "That's how they get the electricity to do all this." " That's just someone doing a bit of work?" " Yeah." "Just a bit of work." " How much do they pay for this?" " 12 to 15 rand per bed." " Different hostels have different prices." " For a month. £3 a month." "What are they earning?" "Are these the lowest wage earners?" "Most people in the hostel are low wage earners, but you get a few earning more." "Roughly 500 rand a month, depending where they're working." "500 would be worth about £100 a month." " There'd be people here with £100 a month?" " Yeah." "(PALIN) It's much nicer inside than it is out." "(JIMMY) You can't imagine living eight in one." "It's like dormitory style." "If you spend all your life here, this is pretty bad." "Before I leave, I have some visiting to do." "It's a sign of the times that the Gwangwa family - neighbours of ours in London - have because of their ANC membership only just been allowed back into their country." "Six months ago, this visit would never have been possible." "Wrong day." "There's Michael, there's Michael, there's Michael." "Hey!" "There you are!" "Hello!" " How great to see you." " How great to see you." " That's wonderful." " Keeto." "Hello." "And my My-Lucy?" "Where's My-Lucy?" "Somewhere else." "That's right." "Oh, look at that." ""Welcome, Michael, to the Gwangwa family."" " You do that for everybody!" " No!" "This is..." "They use... cow dung." " Cow dung, is it?" " That's the decorations that they do." " Fresh cow dung." " We couldn't get the cow dung in London!" "Kicking our heels for another day, we join a football crowd." "Sport is multiracial in South Africa now, but rugby remains the white game and soccer the black game." "(SOFT SINGING)" "Today's match is a Cup semi-final." "Sundowns of Pretoria are taking on Cosmos of Johannesburg." "(HORN TRUMPETS)" "Oh, what a shot!" "It was a very good shot." "We leave Johannesburg with nothing decided - but we leave in style." "This is the Blue Train, which runs expensively between Pretoria and Cape Town." "I justify it as a reward for all our rough-riding through Africa." "The Nile Valley Express in Sudan carried 4,000 people." "The Blue Train's carrying just 92 and no one's allowed on the roof." "The contrast with everything that's gone before is almost unnerving." "What does one do with nine pieces of cutlery?" "The answer is you order a bottle of South African Chardonnay and stop feeling guilty." "After all, how many people here have cracked ribs and evil shadows?" "No one ever gets on, no one ever gets off." "In this air-conditioned double-glazed luxury, I feel like an overfed goldfish - able to observe the world from my bowl whilst remaining completely detached from it." "It could quite easily drive you mad." "The last 900 miles of Africa run across the High Veld and the wide, dry plain they call the Karoo to approach the Cape in a scenic display of mountains, valleys and vineyards." "7,000 miles, and nearly three months after entering Port Said, the unmistakable shape of Table Mountain marks the end of Africa." "I think Africa's changed me." "Until Mpulungu I was an incurable optimist, but something went wrong there and I've reached Cape Town as an incurable fatalist - what will be, will be." "From the top of Table Mountain, you can see where the Indian and Atlantic 0ceans meet." "Beyond that, 2,500 miles over the horizon, is Antarctica." "But the most poignant sight of all is the red-hulled supply ship we've chased through Africa to reach." "We made it, but our appeal for space on board the Agulhas has failed." "When she sails tomorrow on the only voyage of the year to the Antarctic, we'll still be here." "The journey, it seems, is over." "0ur plan to reach Antarctica by ship from Cape Town has failed." "But we have discovered a company which says it could get us to the Pole." "We must take a risk with them or go home." "But their base is in South America - we're at the end of the wrong continent." "We must fly 6,000 miles across the Atlantic, turning our back on the 30 degree meridian." "0ur route goes via Rio de Janeiro and the Andes to Santiago in Chile." "The Virgin is closed when I arrive in Santiago, but the view is worth the walk." "In this well-ordered capital, a celebration is underway." "The band of the Palace Guards strikes up an oddly familiar refrain." "(ROUSING VERSION OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY")" "It's the president's birthday." "The Chileans aren't always nice to their leaders." "18 years ago, they bombed the palace and President Allende took his own life." "Chileans may seem subdued compared with other South Americans, but there are many pleasures here." "I meet our guide, Patricio, for lunch at one of the world's most elegant fish markets." "(ANDEAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS)" "Both the cuisine and the music are local." "Patricio gives me the low-down on the pipes they call "quena"." " They're difficult to play?" " Yes, it is." "It's difficult to put in tune all the little pipes and it's difficult to keep the tune because you are playing long notes and you have to have strong muscles in your stomach to keep the air going." "General Pinochet, who got rid of Allende, tried to ban these instruments as being "too representative of the Left"." "He had more success with human beings - 2,000 of those he arrested are still missing." "It's a further 1,700 miles down the coast to the town of Punta Arenas, which lies beside the Straits of Magellan and opposite the island of Tierra del Fuego." "It grew up as the safest harbour for ships making the journey round Cape Horn." "From its airport, Adventure Network flies the only commercial plane into Antarctica." "We've crossed continents, we're now at the tip of South America, and we're here on the appointed day for our departure." "The plane's behind us." "But the weather conditions here are unlike anywhere else on earth, and the final decision as to whether we go today rests with the pilot and the weather station here." "The pilot is a Canadian, Bruce Allcorn." "His plane cannot put down for long in the cold of Antarctica." "He can only fly out when he knows he can get back." "He's looking for 18 hours of continuous good weather." "There are a lot of low pressure areas." "Is that common in Antarctica?" "It's a phenomenon of the South Polar regions." "Back here a few pages, a few days ago, there's a classic example." "I don't know if you can see it here." "Just in the area here, we have two, three, four, five low pressure areas in an area that normally would only have one or two in other parts of the world." " We're not going today?" " Definitely not." "When will you decide about tomorrow?" "7.30 a.m. We have a schedule at 7 a.m. with Patriot Hills to get their weather." "I'll come over here at about 7.15, see what the weather man thinks, look at the satellite and we'll make a decision." " What are the chances?" " 50-50 at this time." "If you're a gambler, I'll give you better odds." "While we wait for the weather, I find out more about Adventure Network from the local manager, Anne Kershaw." "Have you ever had to abandon an expedition?" "Once in the early years, 1985, people had planned a three-week trip and after over two weeks in Punta Arenas with bad weather, we abandoned it." "The only remotely encouraging advice is to go to the main square and visit the statue of Ferdinand Magellan, who led the world's first circumnavigation." "If I want to return safely from my journey, I must kiss the Indian's foot." "Now I can get back safely, but when can I go?" "Patriot Hills, Romeo Bravo." "OK." "Weather is 15,000 scattered..." "20,000 broken..." "If you want to know the conditions in Antarctica, you call someone there." "There's no weather satellite, just the radio." "OK." "Copy all." "Bruce's plan as of this moment is to fly." "The DC-6 will fly." "Planning wheels off eleven local." "How copy?" "This is the news we've been waiting for." "At the airfield, the engineers can start putting the plane together." "Bruce's DC-6 was first put together in 1953." "In aviation terms it's a geriatric - taking on one of the most demanding journeys in the world." "I've taken some risks so far, but none have made me quite so nervous." "As you can see, we're here, action stations, ready to go." "After 24 hours on the edge of our seats..." "well, our hotel beds in Punta Arenas, we've been told the weather is OK to fly." "Planes have been known to turn back, so we could still have to go back, but it looks as though we're off." "It's unlike any other departure we've made so far." "A bit alarming, a bit exciting." "It really is a voyage into the unknown." "Well, here goes." "The adventure starts right away." "Climbing aboard is a feat of mountaineering." "0n this airline you have to be your own baggage handler." "When all is loaded, the pilot shuts the door." "All part of the service - and he's the only one who knows how to do it." "Half the cabin is for freight, half for passengers - 25 of us today." "Climbing out of here I expect it to be a little rough." "There'll be some turbulence over the mountains." "The weather is generally good all the way." "The landing at Patriot Hills is different." "If you haven't experienced it before, the ice is a little rough - the airplane wheels around, lots of noise from the engines." "It's quite normal." "Don't be concerned." "The seat belt sign means what it says." "When it's on, be in your seats with the belt on." "I don't leave it on for nothing." "When the seat belt sign's off, you can wander around, come up to the cockpit." "If you're using a flash camera, please warn me." "It startles the hell out of me when they go off behind my head." "Willy and Rob will give you the rest of the evacuation stuff and we'll see you in Patriot Hills." "We'll be about seven hours and 40 minutes, I anticipate." "In case of ditching..." "Willy, the co-pilot, is, we're told, a fully qualified stunt man." "Turn number three." "OK." "That's it." "As Bruce finally nurses us along the runway," "I'm seized by an uncontrollable reluctance to part with Chile." "The trouble with fear of the unknown is that you never know what the fear will be like until it's too late." "0nce clear of South America, we have a 1,500 mile journey to Adventure Network's base at Patriot Hills, which is 600 miles from the South Pole." "The flight is self-catering." "It's quite liberating not to have to wait for trolleys." "It's also easier to meet fellow passengers." "There's not a sane one among them." "Australian dentists who want to be mountaineers and Japanese who want to ride motorbikes to the Pole." "This is the way to do it." "All airline catering should be like this." "I pressed one once and it exploded." "I don't touch them any more." "Four hours after setting out, we're over the pack ice." "We've reached what Bruce drily refers to as "PNR" - "The Point of No Return."" "There is no longer enough fuel to get us back to Chile." "The mood in the plane changes." "Public jollity turns to private contemplation." "Everyone prepares themselves in their own way for what lies ahead." "There are no in-flight movies to break the mood, just in-flight maps." "We've been going five and a half hours." "Where are we now?" "We've come from Chile over here." "Our approximate track is the inked-in line." "We're now south of the Antarctic Circle." "We've come past the..." "You saw the icebergs that were carved off of these ice shelves." "Was that real coast or was that ice shelf?" "That's ice shelf extended from this area west of Alexander Island." "We're coming up to the Ronne Entrance area and we'll be coming over this coast shortly and then on to Mount Rex and over the mainland proper." "(PALIN) Yeah." "How big are the icebergs?" "It's hard to tell from up here." "What size are they?" "(ROB) The ones we've been seeing have been up to a kilometre or two across." "The scale is difficult from altitude." "There was an iceberg 100 kilometres across, the iceberg that would break off an ice shelf." "Those happen only every few years." "Apart from your base at Patriot Hills, what else is around this area?" "Any settlements?" "The next closest people would be at one of the scientific bases either on the coast or South Pole Station - at least 600 miles to the next closest humans." "We have arrived at the emptiest continent on earth." "No one lives here." "An area one and a half times that of the USA is temporary home to some 3,000 scientists." "The mountaineers glimpse their goal " "Mount Vinson, 16,000 feet - the highest point in Antarctica." "But the collective pulse really starts to quicken when the Patriot Hills rise toward us." "These are the tips of mountains submerged beneath an ice cap 15 million years old and, in places, three miles thick." "For Bruce, this is a testing moment." "He must put down a four-engined, fixed-wheel aircraft on blue ice, without using brakes." "(CHEERING)" "Everyone knows what a risk we've just taken." "If anything had gone wrong, there are no emergency vehicles to help us here." "This is all there is at the terminal at Patriot Hills." "The plane must be turned round fast." "If the engines stop for two hours, they freeze." "There's no time for a helping hand onto a new and slippery continent." "This is the bit we've all been warned about." "I know why." "Jesus..." "It's absolutely like plate glass." "Too late to go back." " Bruce!" " How you doing?" "The arrival of Bruce's plane is the major event at Patriot Hills." "Everything needed to sustain life here comes in and goes out on the DC-6." "Apart from unloading 25 passengers and their equipment, there are large stocks of supplies for the base." "If bad weather set in, it could be a month before the DC-6 is seen again." "All the fuel has to be flown out and the empty drums taken back." "It makes it as expensive as Scotch whisky." "Skidoos and sledges keep up a constant shuttle of freight between plane and camp." "The rest of us - the human freight - walk." "Conditions are good today." "It's high summer and the temperature has soared to minus six centigrade." "I don't know quite what I expected to find here, but I think it was more than this." "Next morning, after a calm night of unbroken sunshine," "I take my first faltering steps in the art of Antarctic survival." "I learn that here, in this ice desert, even the most mundane human tasks take on an epic quality." "That is the most extraordinary view from any lavatory anywhere in the world." "I'm probably the only person sitting on the toilet for the next thousand miles." "It doesn't matter there's no roof on it." "I'd like to spend my whole life here." "The trouble is it's bloody cold - you can't really hang around." "All human waste has to be removed from Antarctica." "You can't leave anything here." "So anything I may pass today will be airfreighted out to Chile where it's made into models and sold at the Duty Free shop there." "Makes you think." "Better be a good one." "The Patriot Hills base is a unique gateway - distributing adventurers around Antarctica." "Shinji Kazama hopes to be the first person to reach the South Pole by motorbike." "He's already ridden to the North Pole." "He's accompanied by that indispensable aid to 20th-century travel - a camera crew." "While Kazama tests the snow surface, the doctors, dentists and accountants prepare to be airlifted out to Mount Vinson." "Their leader is Peter Hillary, son of Sir Edmund Hillary - one of the first two men to climb Everest." "Just the logistics of an operation like this - like catering." "Give us a day's menu." "It's a sumptuous mix of porridge in the morning, crackers for lunch and rice for dinner." " Doesn't that sound Cordon Bleu?" " How do you get people to sign up?" "I haven't told them about the menu yet!" "You're from an illustrious climbing background - your father was the first man up Everest." "When you were young, were you given any option but to become interested in climbing?" "If anything, Dad almost discouraged us from going to the mountains - certainly to climb." "We went there skiing." "He didn't particularly want his children to get into mountaineering." "But I guess it's like if you're brought up in a cricket family, you have a famous cricketer popping round every so often and asking the young if he wants to throw a ball around, and it's an infectious situation." "You weren't given crampons at the age of three?" "No, but I soon located where Dad kept his, so I had no problem with equipment." "While the climbers board their plane, we're served the sort of meal which Peter Hillary's party won't see for weeks." "Spaghetti!" "0ver Chilean wine, we compare crazy schemes." "What is so special about the bike you're using?" " What's different from a normal one?" " Yeah." " No pollution." " No pollution?" " No noise." " No pollution?" "If you've got an engine..." "It's got special things on it." " Low pollution." "Low noise." " Low noise." "And what else?" "Wider tyre and white colour!" "So no one will be able to see you in the snow." "You'll disappear." "You've been to the North Pole and the South Pole and even driven your bike up Everest." "What is there left to do next?" "(THEY SPEAK JAPANESE)" "Yes, I have." "Moon." "Moon?" "You're going to motorcycle to the moon?" "You'll have to go very fast to get the leap." "You can tell the regulars from the visitors - the regulars have given up shaving." "Even the regulars aren't out here for long." "The Antarctic summer lasts four months." "For the rest of the year it's dark and cold." "There's no option but to abandon the base - as head of operations Mike Sharp explains." "We take it all down, pack it in boxes and slide it into a snow cave." "It's about four feet underground." "It's one big room which we have to dig out." " What happens to the planes?" " Two of the aircraft go back up to Canada." "The Cessna we get to keep here." "We dig a big hole and bury it." "The only thing sticking out is the tail." "We cover it in boards and planks and canvas." "It's very successful." "We take the skis and the legs off and slide it into this monster hole." "Then when we come back we drag it out, put the skis on and away we go." "It gets its certificate of airworthiness." "We have an engineer in to check it, and then we're away again." "Last season they weren't so lucky." "An oil drum took the tail off one of the planes." "A replacement is being fitted by Bill Aleekuk - a man of the Arctic." "Major surgery." "How long have you been in the Antarctic?" "I've been down here since the 15th of November, here at Patriot Hills." "Actually, this is the first time I've been to the Antarctic." "I'm probably the first Eskimo that's ever been down here, so I'm proud of that." " Show them how to do it." " That's right!" "Do you remember anything of igloo life yourself?" "I don't remember." "I know how to build them." "I was probably one of the last few that was ever born in an igloo." "You can put a roof on the lavatory!" "Someone started." "Is that your work?" "No, that isn't mine." "I would never have air conditioning!" "If the weather holds, we could be going to the Pole tomorrow." "There's just time to ring home." "(RADIO STATIC)" "(INDISTINCT VOICE)" " OK." "Hello, Helen." "Can you hear me?" " (SQUEAKING)" "If you can hear me, that's fine." "All I get from you is a strange birdlike noise." "If that's your reply, that's great!" "I just rang to say I'm in Antarctica 600 miles from the Pole." " (STATIC)" " Are you impressed?" " (SQUEAKING)" " Definitely." "Very impressed." "I was always pulling the birds!" "We're going to the Pole tomorrow afternoon." "We're leaving here about five and we'll be staying there 36-48 hours." " Over." " (SQUEAKING)" "Yes, I have got clean underwear." "I really can't hear your voice very well, so I'll just tell you the salient information." "It's very nice here." "The sun is shining." "It's about minus eight degrees." "It'll be about minus 25 at the Pole." "I only have one set of thermal underwear, but, apart from that, I hope I do the family proud." " How are you?" " (STATIC)" " (SQUEAKING)" " Are you?" "You should try using the other one." "(WIND BLUSTERS)" "It's about 6.30 on the day we're due to leave for the Pole." "The wind, which we haven't heard recently, has suddenly got up and it sounds as though the weather could be changing." "I wonder whether it'll affect our chances of leaving today." "I'd better find out what's going on." "With the wind comes a vicious drop in temperature." "But what's important is how conditions are at the Pole." "Mike Sharp calls up the American base there." "South Pole, Patriot Hills." "How is your weather?" "(CRACKLING AND SQUEAKING)" "It may sound like Marconi's first broadcast, but this is a voice from the Pole." "I just pray it's good news." "It is." "High pressure over the Pole." "As the wind drops, there's nothing to keep us here." "First to take advantage is Kazama with a message he hopes to nail to the Pole, though he doesn't know what it says." "I can't read it." "His back-up team works almost casually." "They could be planning a trip to the supermarket instead of a month on the ice." "As if saying goodbye might be tempting fate, there's little ceremony as Kazama rides off into the never-setting sun." "Their departure makes my feet even itchier, but it's late afternoon before our turn comes." "This plane will be carrying seven people, fuel and survival equipment." "It's a single-engined 0tter of 1950s design." "This is the single engine that will take us to the Pole." "I seek reassurance from our pilot, Dan Baldwin." "Dan, have you a message of hope for us?" "Yes." "The weather looks good." "Shouldn't have any problem." "Got a little wind blowing snow, but it looks like being a good trip." " Have you been to the Pole often?" " Never been there." " You've never been there?" " No." "It's a first for both of us." " Do you know the way?" " I'm not from down south here." "I just come down to enjoy the nice weather." "This aircraft must be a veteran of polar flights." "No." "This will be the first trip for a single-engine Turbine Otter to the Pole." "So the plane's never been to the Pole, you've never been, we've never been." " I can just land you anywhere, then!" " Well, we're all in it together." " What are we landing on?" " We're landing on skis." "Are those trickier than wheels?" "No, not so much." "Whether they're wheels, skis or floats, they're all different, but there's not much difference in landing." "OK." "Well, if you're optimistic..." "I bet you're raring to go." " I'm raring to go." " OK." "Here goes." "So this is it - the last leg." "I ought to feel confident, elated even, but I know from the Arctic that happy endings can never be taken for granted." "Rudy Driscoll, another customer, only took up adventures like this in his 50s." "I don't know how they did it without sunglasses." "At the base of each mountain range is a blue ice field like a little lake attached to the mountain." "Would you rather be doing it on skis?" " Frankly, I think this is a bit nicer." " I wouldn't like to cross it on a motorcycle." "It's such an expanse of white." "How can you do it without getting disoriented?" "(RUDY) No landmarks except for an occasional mountain." "It makes you think how resourceful the early explorers were when they didn't have navigation satellites or electronics, radios." "They found their way across that sea of emptiness." "At the heart of Antarctica is a plateau with an average height of 10,000 feet and an average annual temperature of minus 50 centigrade." "It's a five-hour flight, but there's little time to sleep." "Halfway through we must stop and refuel." "First we have to find the fuel." "A chart gives a rough position, but the precise location is marked by a bamboo pole." "Dan has never been here before, nor has co-pilot Scott - who, it turns out, is not a pilot but a doctor." "Dan goes down for a closer look." "No one seems to mention what happens if we don't find it." "After a few abortive passes, Dan catches sight of something." "We've put down at a remote spot called King's Peak." "We squeeze off the plane and are put to work erecting a tent." " Is that what you wanted?" " Thanks, Michael." "Scott the doctor supervises Rudy and myself." "It is bitterly cold." "Hang on to anything that might blow." "It'll be a long walk to Patriot Hills to get it." "It blows back home, does it?" "Return to sender." "It's difficult to grip anything with these mittens on." "I'm just going to pin out one corner." "Holding my end up." "As we continue our imitation of Laurel and Hardy, Dan digs for aviation fuel." "The 0tter's tank fills with what we hope will be enough to see us to the Pole." "What seems like hours later, we have the tent up." "0nly then does it become apparent why we put it up." "Dan is leaving us here while he flies 50 miles to drop fuel for Kazama's expedition." "Watching him go fills me with foreboding." "I've never had such an acute sense of being nowhere." "Scott tries to cheer us up with tales of savage weather and people being trapped for days." "At last comes the sound we've been waiting for." "Watching Dan approach is a comforting sight." "Watching him land is terrifying." "We take the tent down and, after one last weather check, Dan sets course for the Pole." "It's difficult in an unpressurised cabin." "We're at the equivalent of 15,000 feet above sea level." "Rudy, especially, is finding breathing hard." "Scott administers oxygen." "Slowly and uncomfortably, we draw nearer to the Pole." "South Pole, South Pole, 5-8 Juliet Hotel." "Do you copy?" "Over." "(RADl0) 5-8 Juliet Hotel." "South Pole." "Roger." "We're about 15 minutes out." "How's the weather holding?" "(RADl0) I have a couple of pieces of information." "When you land on the skiway, you'll see a number nine marker." "We recommend you pull off - well off the runway - and park the plane there." "How copy?" "You're coming in five square there." "(RADl0) Roger." "I've got one more piece of information." "There is no certified runway available and the US government cannot authorise a landing." "How copy?" " Roger." "We got that." " 0K." "Have a good landing." "(PALIN) We're brought down to earth." "The goal of our journey is within our grasp, but the radio conversation is a reminder of an awkward truth - no one really wants us here." "Well, here it is." "We've landed at the South Pole." "Or tantalisingly close." "I don't know where the Pole is." "So..." "I'd better go and ask." "This is definitely not what I expected." "It's a cross between the moon and a marshalling yard." "I see domes and aerials, dishes and pylons, but no Pole." "How ironic it is that in the world's most unspoilt wilderness the needs of science have created a building site." "But where's the Pole?" "Perhaps it's kept indoors to stop it getting knocked over by bulldozers." "This is the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station, established by the Americans 35 years ago." "It proves that even at the most inhospitable place on earth, life as we know it can survive." "0utside the temperature is 30 below." "In here they can wear shorts and eat chilli and blueberry pie." "There is a record number of 120 scientists working here." "0ne of them must know where the Pole is." "Keep going." "Now I know where it is, but not which one it is." "Surely this can't be it, all gaudy like a fairground attraction?" "Thankfully not." "This is the "ceremonial Pole"." "Politicians who get this far like to be photographed here." "At last I see it." "I'm about to join the ranks of those who have done what Scott and Amundsen didn't - stand on both Poles." "At this point, all the world's lines of longitude converge on my toecaps." "It's impossible to go further south than this." "Every direction you go in will be north." "I can actually walk around the world in eight seconds - as I will now demonstrate." "It is the end of the world." "(HOARSELY) It's also the end of our migration from north to south." "The omens are telling us to stop." "The camera just packed up because of the cold and I'm beginning to pack up too." "It's minus 30 degrees centigrade here - with wind chill that's minus 50." "We're also at an elevation of 9,000 feet, so there's altitude sickness to combat." "But I think that after five and a half months, the body is saying, "Pack it in."" "When I was a boy, I dreamed of coming here like my heroes Scott and Amundsen." "Now I am here, I want to celebrate, but it's not that easy." "The US government doesn't encourage hospitality." "While the scientists snuggle under warm blankets, we spend a bitter night in a tent." "But I can think of no more fitting end to our journey than to say," ""I'm glad we did it this way."" "The idea was from Clem Vallance, who had the idea for "Around The World In 80 Days"." "Um..." "We weren't going to do a follow-up to "Around The World"." "It was a once-off." "I went back to acting and made "American Friends"" "and appeared in Alan Bleasdale's "GBH" after "Around The World In 80 Days"." "I thought, "That's what I do." "Travel's just a one-off."" "But it had made a big impact, "Around The World In 80 Days", and people seemed to know about it." "They'd say, "Off again, Mike?"" "Or if you showed any hesitation about where you were going," ""Lost again?" "Can't get across Oxford Street?"" "There was an expectation I should do another journey." "So I think Clem and I just kept in touch." "Um..." "Had lunch every now and then." "Looked at a few maps." "I quite liked the idea of going north-south." "We discussed that." "But it was Clem Vallance who had the idea of "Pole To Pole", certainly of the line going down 30 degrees east longitude, because it went through the most land surface." "That was quite a crucial decision about "Pole To Pole", the route." "If you went north to south directly, it's mostly water, so it's boring." "You know, 35 different kinds of fish, and that's it!" "So it was Clem who had the idea of going 30 degrees east." "I was very relieved that "Around The World In 80 Days" worked as well as it did because we were all unsure quite what would turn out of this documentary that had no script and had me rushing round the world." "And er... the fact that it had been very popular in terms of audience and that the book had sold amazingly well made me feel we'd achieved something." "There's obviously something about this kind of travel that people relate to." "So I don't think I ever felt, "That's it, I never want to travel again."" "My only feeling was, "How do we do another one?"" ""Around The World In 80 Days" was based on a book." "It had a story and a life that we hadn't given it." "The life was given it by Jules Verne." "There was nothing else like that." "So I was very wary of just doing a follow-up for the sake of it." "I think, certainly for 18 months or so, I resisted, as did we all, the idea of trying to do a sequel, 'cause there didn't seem to be one." "But then, as I've said, there seemed to be such a popular enthusiasm for the kind of show that "80 Days" was that people were almost expectantly waiting for something else." "So I felt, "Perhaps it is worth doing."" "As far as the travel went, I was still very, very enthusiastic about that." "I'd never done anything like "Around The World In 80 Days" on that scale." "And so I was putty in the hands of a nice map or atlas!" "All these places I could go and the BBC might pay me to go!" "The possibilities were attractive." "We learnt one or two things from "Around The World In 80 Days"." "A key thing was that the things that worked best were just encounters, the quick, casual, un-set-up, improvised encounters with people." "The things that didn't work were the set-up, formalised interviews." "On "80 Days" a number of pieces hit the cutting room floor, like a long interview with a Turkish gentleman about politics in Turkey." "Interviews with ships' captains about the role of shipping in the modern world!" "Um..." "I think probably because I found those rather stiff and formal, they didn't particularly work." "What I like best was just sort of meeting people, as much as possible ordinary folk, not the politicians with a line to sell, but people whose lives we impinged upon." "And certainly the most successful episode of "Around The World", in terms of audience response, was when we were on the dow." "We were stuck on this dow." "It looked very unpromising." "No radar, no sextant, that sort of thing." "Our lives were in the hands of these Gujarati fishermen." "But it turned into a magical sequence, people trying to understand each other and frequently succeeding." "So we did feel that um... interesting people in unusual locations was the best formula, and we were wasting our time if we got an ordinary study and somebody going on for 15 minutes about the world situation." "So we felt that being on the move and shooting as spontaneously as possible was what was working." "As I say, very often it was worth taking risks." "On "80 Days" we thought, "We'd better prepare this." ""Tell them what I'll ask them, ask them if they could hand the ticket over in a certain way."" "A more traditionally documentary approach." "We decided you don't need to do that." "You can go in there and wing it and hope something will come of it." "Spontaneity works best." "I never really liked doing second takes of anything because I miss the moment when you struggle to make communication or you drink something you shouldn't have." "It happens once and that's the best time." "We learnt that from "80 Days", that this worked." "Um, and also I think that "80 Days", oddly enough, was one of the most relaxed things we've done." "There was intense pressure, but also 12 days on a boat crossing the Pacific where we barely filmed anything." "We felt when we did "Pole To Pole" that we could er... maximise our er... our work, our output, more by having fewer days when there's nothing happening, being where something would happen." "That's been the pattern since." "That's something we learned from "80 Days"." "Use the time." "Don't get stuck in a situation where you can't film for several days." "That's a waste of everybody's time and effort." "The one area that erm... concerned us with "Pole To Pole"" "was whether we could recreate this time constraint, these deadlines that "80 Days" was all about." "We honestly felt that was our most vulnerable... er... most vulnerable point about the whole new journey, that people would miss this, so we tried to recreate it." "We had day numbers, which we still use quite effectively, on the screen." "Um... we'll um try and create some sort of deadlines within the journey itself." ""Michael's got to get to a certain place to get a ship at a certain time." ""The rainy seasons are coming." "He's got to get out of Sudan at this time."" "So we over-egged those a bit, although the South African supply ship to the Pole was genuinely a real setback." "But there were slightly..." "I remember thinking, slightly false goals." ""Around The World" was a story, and there were 80 days." "Pole to Pole in, whatever it was, 253 days, doesn't really mean anything." "Um... but we kind of tried to, as I said, play up the various deadline situations at various points during the journey." ""Michael's got to move on." In many cases that was true." "Any journey crossing lots of different borders, you have a lot of problems." "You can't plan it all and hope it'll work like clockwork." "You're going to different countries with different governments, different passport requirements." "So you have situations where people say, "We can't do it today." "Come back next month."" "We have to argue through that." "So there were moments in the journey that were deadlines we had to meet." "But we played those up trying to hang on to the day thing in "80 Days"." "The huge relief when "Pole To Pole" went out was that it didn't matter." "We still got the audiences we got for "80 Days"." "People accepted there were moments when there were time problems, but they were fascinated and interested in the countries we went to and the people we met and the cultures." "The day deadlines became less important." "Having said that, we had to shoot the whole thing over about five months." "We had about a ten-day break - no, less than that - a five-day break at Aswan when one of the boats didn't leave." "It was actually quite tight - you're working to a budget and you have to keep moving, so there was no let-up." "It was just as tough as doing "80 Days", in fact, more so." "1991 was an extraordinary year for change." "That was when we travelled." "We were in a lot of countries that changed." "Er..." "The major change was that the Soviet Union was still in existence when we went through what's now Russia, Ukraine and Belarus." "It was all part of the Soviet Union." "It was quite unthinkable at the time that the Soviet Union would collapse within the near future." "I don't think anybody realised that." "There were problems." "It was a bit wobbly." "We went through in July." "We interviewed Ukrainians who said, "One day, one day..." ""We will have our country back." "Not in my lifetime, but one day."" "They had their country back by December!" "Extraordinary." "And then we got down south to Ethiopia where um..." "Mengistu, a very um oppressive, repressive dictator, had been in power for a long time." "He'd just been kicked out by a citizen army of teenagers from the north." "So a major change of situation in Ethiopia." "Zambia, we get there on the day that Kenneth Kaunda loses power after 26 years!" "And then South Africa, where apartheid was beginning to collapse." "It still was official policy but it was beginning to change." "In a couple of years Mandela came out." "An extraordinary year of not just governments but whole systems collapsing." "I'm not taking credit, but the places we went through collapsed behind us!" "Sorry about that!" "Not our fault, but it made um..." "It gave a little extra element of excitement to all the countries, especially Ethiopia, where there was a real sense of celebration." "If we'd gone to Ethiopia a year before, we wouldn't have got the interviews or the upbeat feeling, the excitement, that we got when we went." "And the same with Zambia." "It was coincidental that we chose one of the most momentous years in history to go through Africa and Russia." "How many of the 23 toasts in Novogood do you remember?" "Novgorod." "Er, well, I just have to do what I'm asked to do." "If I'm asked to appear at a banquet in Russia," "I know there are going to be a few vodka toasts!" "There's one toast for each person and a follow-up toast." "When you see a table with 12 people, you know it'll be a heavy evening!" "The vodka was not, as I remember, legal vodka." "It was all illicitly brewed in his garage." "Potent stuff!" "And, er..." "I just lay back and thought of England!" "Round about 18 vodkas, I think I was fairly mellow." "It was one of those moments when you wish you had the camera still running." "Next morning I woke up with an awful headache." "I'd had to change rooms in the night because a big party official was coming." "My room had been set aside for him." "I was put downstairs." "I was slightly disoriented." "I got up and something had to come out." "So I rushed to the basin and clung to the side of the basin." "I was just about to throw up when I look down and realise the basin's not attached to anything!" "I'm looking through the plughole and see my feet!" "I reeled back and the basin came away from the wall!" "I'm staggering round with a basin, looking for somewhere to throw up!" "Trying to find a hole in the ground." "In the end, I didn't." "Such a strange moment, I managed to control myself." "But if Nigel had had the camera there then, we'd have got some unique footage!" "If Patric Walker and the witch doctor had predicted good luck, we'd have told them to do a second take!" "Bad news is better to work on." "But they did both say there would be problems ahead." "I don't really believe in that stuff." "I thought, "What will be, will be."" "But actually we did have some nasty moments on the journey as a whole." "More so than any of the others." "Um..." "The landing at the North Pole was one of the scariest things I've ever done." "One of the few moments where I felt I shouldn't be doing this." "It was not fair to my family, friends, the crew, bringing them here just to go from Pole to Pole." "We were trying to land on a moving ice floe." "It had ridges on it, so the plane could have turned over." "It was bad news." "But we got down and were able to do it." "Then there were other moments." "There was that feeling in the Soviet Union, a tension." "Something not right." "People very unhappy about the way things were." "That was buzzing around." "Then, of course, in Sudan, we were not allowed to go south of Khartoum because of the civil war." "We'd managed to get these Eritreans to take us across the border." "And, you know, that was a memorable 24 hours struggling through these roads which were already..." "Rain had fallen." "They were deeply pitted and rutted." "The vehicles kept getting stuck." "It was the worst 24 hours' filming I can remember in terms of discomfort and feeling, "Where are we going?"" "We were stuck in fields." "No one was sure where the border was, or if we could cross it anyway." "So that was a kind of very difficult period." "Morale got quite low then." "Um... so there was a certain pattern." "Then we interviewed the witch doctor, or healer." "He's a healer." "As far as they're concerned, this is better medicine than Roche Chemicals or, you know, the international drug companies." "Maybe they're right." "He was a strange-looking character." "He did say that I'd lose my money and possessions and that sort of thing." "Within a few days, things did begin to go very wrong." "Almost that..." "The night after I saw this Dr Baela," "I had this terrible semi-fever which I've never had before." "Hot and cold sweats." "It came on very quickly." "Most of the night I was shivering or very hot." "Couldn't get this on camera 'cause Nigel was asleep." "I was shivering on the only loo in the place." "Then I got over that gradually and we moved on." "Then some bags being sent on by Zambian Airways just went missing." "They were never found." "That's the only time we ever lost gear on the journey." "And then we went white-water rafting in the Zambezi River, at the end of which I was persuaded to get out of the raft and swim down the last rapid." "And I hit rocks underneath the water quite hard." "In the end, I cracked two ribs." "This was all within a very short time of meeting Dr Baela." "He had said to me..." "I'd asked him, "Is there anything I can do" ""if these curses or problems occur?"" "He gave me a bit of tree bark and said, "Here's some tree bark." ""Grind this into powder, rub it all over your body and you'll be OK."" "I thought, "Joke!"" "After all these things had happened, I got the bark when no one was looking, ground it up a bit, put it on my back and washed it off!" "After that, things were fine, so..." "Actually, they weren't fine." "We couldn't get the boat out of Cape Town." "Another thing that we were trying to... that we'd learnt from "80 Days" and wanted to carry on was always travelling on the surface if possible." "Um... not to take planes unless we absolutely had to." "Originally I'd wanted to call it "Pole To Pole By Public Transport."" "That was very important to us, to give the idea of surface travel." "Having to cheat at the end, go to South America and down to the South Pole that way, seemed a setback." "So that was another thing that went wrong and was not the way we saw things." "So there were a number of moments in the journey which were quite sort of difficult." "The problem with me is I'm a bit impulsive." "Part of my life is very safe and organised and then there are moments when I do very silly things." "This will happen as long as I live." "White-water rafting was fine." "It was jumping out of the raft on the Zambezi that was a silly thing to do." "What happened was we'd filmed quite exciting and dramatic rafting, speeding down and torrents coming in, totally submerged at points." "It was a great thrill and I felt perfectly safe." "Then the camera was put away, we'd finished the filming." "And er..." "Um..." "The people I was with were a group of Zimbabweans." "They said, "A great thing is to swim down a rapid."" "I said, "Aren't there rocks under there?"" "They said, "Oh, no." "They're a long way down."" "So I'm on the back of the dinghy and the guy in charge tells people when to go." ""Go," he says, and you drop off the back." "So I dropped off." "I tumbled down under the water, quite a long way down." "I felt this sharp jab into my back on the right-hand side there." "I knew I'd hit a rock." "And I just was so indignant, 'cause I knew there were rocks there." "We'd been over them for the last four hours." "So I came up to the surface and shouted, and saw these people swimming happily to the shore." "They were on the other side of the boat." "I shouted, "You b*****ds!"" "I then went down again, submerged and hit another rock, this time on the front of my lower calf." "I'd been bashed in two places." "I came up and swam to the shore." "Apparently my indignation was a good thing because I'd gone a long way down and the best way when you come up is to expel the air as quickly as possible, and so my impassioned scream of abuse at these people" "probably saved my life at that time or saved me from getting bashed again." "But I got to the shore and I was fine." "There was a long, difficult walk up which I managed." "But that night I got very stiff." "It was impossible to sleep." "A couple of days later I got to a hospital." "They X-rayed me and said, "You've cracked two ribs." ""There's nothing you can do." "They'll heal in the end."" "I said, "I'm going to the South Pole." They said, "Bad luck!"" "The next day I was cycling across the gorge, the Zambezi Gorge." "A stunning location." "I'm on a bike with two broken ribs." "If you see the tape, I'm moving rather gingerly all the way until we get to the South Pole!" "Again it was a moment we didn't get on camera." "The director said, "Next time you do that, make sure it's on camera."" ""Thanks!" As though I meant to!" "But looking back, that was the only time in any of the journeys where I did myself a serious injury." "We had to just keep going." "It was about two weeks before I could get a decent night's sleep." "I'm crawling out of beds in various places." "You'd be sleeping on trains - not the best places to have a cracked rib!" "I'm quite fond of Cairo." "I like it because it's to me the essence of a good city to travel in." "It's very unfamiliar, very strange, very different." "The way of life there, the buildings, the food, the religion." "All sorts of things are basically quite different." "You see camels waiting at traffic lights." "You don't see that anywhere else." "But at the same time it's got a very long history." "So you feel you're in a city which has been important for thousands of years, much longer than any city at home." "So you have a feeling of important events having happened there." "I like the fact it's very lively." "I remember the traffic only moved when the light was red." "You could only get across at the very end of the green light." "So everyone would move on the red." "The traffic lights were out of sync." "Very sort of Cairene." "There are some places you're glad to be back in, a friendly place, and some places are threatening or dull." "Cairo is neither dull nor threatening." "I find it very exciting." "The globe had become a bit of an icon of the journeys." "They'd say, "Michael, it's time for a globe sequence."" "I'd blow it up, sit on a train and say, "We're in Estonia" or something." ""We've only done this, we've got to go all that way."" "So it was useful." "I found it useful also for sleeping on." "Half-inflated, it made a very good pillow." "Um..." "Had to avoid sticking your head in the sea, that's all!" ""I'm drenched!"" "Anyway, it had its uses, but I think it was becoming a bit of a cliché." "The decision to abandon it at this school in Kenya came quite spontaneously." "Er... we were revisiting this school where I'd filmed a film called "The Missionary" in 1981." "There was the school building." "I used the globe to talk about my journey." "It just seemed a nice thing at the end to say I'd give it to the school." "I wanted to give them something." "I couldn't give them anything tangible." ""We'll give you a new door or money to build..." The globe was tangible." "I said, "Have it and learn about geography."" "As we were leaving I could see the children playing football with it!" "So it may not improve their geographical skills, but Kenya's chances in the next Africa Cup will be greatly enhanced by kicking the world around!" "The news that we weren't going to be able to get the boat to Antarctica actually came through before we got to Cape Town." "We knew about two weeks before that that there were real problems." "They were trying to be helpful, but this is a once-a-year supply ship." "They said, "We've got three berths but not six."" "It was impossible." "We needed all the crew there and Basil to take the photos." "It wasn't possible to split the crew at that point." "So we reluctantly had to decide to get to Antarctica another way." "But it spoilt everything - the symmetry, the 30 degrees east line, our determination to go on the surface." "It spoilt what I thought could have been a good adventure." "The Southern Ocean is notorious as the roughest sea in the world, but I thought, "This might get some interesting stuff."" "So, disappointed on all those counts." "In the end it turned out that our actual approach to the Pole through Patriot Hills and Antarctica was still pretty good." "The plane flight from southern Chile was as hairy as the boat journey would have been anyway." "So there was a sense of danger." "As soon as it had gone out and the figures came in, it was very good viewing figures and the book sold well." "Various people - publishers, BBC documentary departments - were saying, "How about another journey?"" "Um..." "And Clem and I both said, "Let's forget it for a year." ""Go off and do other things."" "That's exactly what we did." "And although ideas did come in, we didn't put our minds to any new project for another couple of years." "And I think I wrote a novel during that period." "I began work on "Fierce Creatures" with John Cleese." "But um... again you have to..." "There's quite a long period after making a series when I have to do publicity." "The directors and myself get together and say, "How did that work?" ""Have you seen this in the newspaper?" "What about the figures?"" "Then you begin automatically to think about where we'd go if we did another." "But it was a couple of years before I had the idea of going round the Pacific Rim, which became "Full Circle"." "We went off again!" "Fools!" "We just don't know when to stop!"