"'So it all started 150 years ago when a Victorian guy bequeathed a house to the people of The Fields," "'.. that's when they were fields, 'now the Fields is a housing estate, and some people in Pagford aren't that thrilled with everyone 'from the estate coming into the village and using this old building 'covered in graffiti when it could be some fancy hotel and spa instead." "'Fields people like Krystal Weedon, 'who's always calling everyone a twat, 'which in most cases they are." "'Then Mr Fairbrother - who's like the champion of Sweetlove House - 'drops down dead in the street." "'You don't think that can happen.'" "'Not to someone you know." "'And everything changes." "'There isn't even time to be sad, 'because now there has to be an election 'to fill Mr Fairbrother's seat on the parish council, 'so they can vote on Sweetlove House." "'Three candidates - all prime knobs." "Plus ca change!" "'But it looks like Mr Fairbrother's still got plenty to say, 'even from the other side." "'Watch out, Pagford, the ravens are gathering.'" "ENGINE PURRS" "DOOR CLICKS OPEN" "DOOR SLAMS SHUT" "BELL TOLLS" "FAINT TOLLING OF BELL" "I'm... going to go upstairs." "I'm going to put on some music..." "You wait till you hear the music." "FAINT TOLLING OF BELL" "BARRY: 'Good morning, Pagford." "'I know I've kept you waiting, but today's the day.'" "ON STEREO:" "The Deadwood Stage (Whip-Crack-Away) by Doris Day" "♪ Oh, the Deadwood Stage is a-rollin' on over the plains... ♪" "DRILLING" "♪ With the curtains flapping' and the driver slappin' the reins... ♪" "'Seems appropriate somehow, doesn't it?" "'My funeral, so it's all about me, but I'm not selfish.'" "♪ Whip-crack-away... ♪" "'I can share the spotlight with someone else.'" "♪ Oh, the Deadwood Stage is a-headin' on over the hills... ♪" "Just get a bastard move on!" "Andrew?" "Get yourself down here!" "Just doing my tie." "'But who?" "And what could I know that you all don't?" "'Oh, you should all be looking over your shoulders, Pagford.'" "CAR HORN BLARES" "'But today is for someone very special to me." "'One of my would-be successors.'" "♪ Set 'em up, Jo-o-o-o-o-e!" "... ♪" "'The man with the right tools for the job.'" "God, you're worse than them!" "I'm just checking..." "There's nothing yet." "It's a wind-up!" "Who d'you think it is?" "Well..." "No-one!" "Someone." "No-one to bother about." "Trolls, ha-ha!" "No vision." "Not like you, eh?" "You've got vision." "Big Match Temperament!" "~ SHIRLEY: 'Howard?" "' ~ Eh?" "~ Choo-doo-doo!" "~ 'Come on, we'll be late.'" "But what if he says something about me?" "200 hits?" "!" "Cor, bugger me down dead!" "I bet it's one of Fairbrother's tribe." "Some wet liberal vegetarian with a Ouija board." "Ghosts, hah!" "Whoever it is, they're no match for you, Howard." "~ Hm?" "~ I'm nothing without you." "THEY CHUCKLE" "What if he says something about me?" "Something damaging?" "Something ugly?" "Colin, what could possibly be said about you that's damaging or ugly?" "Well, it could be something I... don't even know about..." "That doesn't even make sense." "~ My throat's closing up." "~ Come on." "HE INHALES DEEPLY" "It had better not be you... the ghost." "It had just better not." "Mumsy, there aren't enough minutes in my life to give a solitary crap about this election." "DOOR CRUNCHES OPEN" "Come on, dawdling, dragging me down!" "Right, I want you to put one of these in every single order of service and the hymn books as well." "Come on." "Right, get on with it." "Oi, Ruth - glasses." "Come on, hurry up." "~ KAYE:" "Terri, are you going to get up?" "~ TERRI GROANS" "This really isn't fair for you to leave everything to Krystal, is it?" "You're wasting your breath." "He don't like fruit." "Stick it in the fridge." "It'll be rotten in a few hours, it'll be yoghurt." "So, your mum's had no other relapses?" "That's positive." "Means she's trying." "Well, she ain't got a choice." "Bloke what knocks it out round here got banged up." "~ That's handy." "~ Mm, I suppose." "What about you, Krystal?" "~ What about me?" "~ What's your plan?" "A course?" "Apprenticeship?" "~ You got a daughter, yeah?" "~ Mm-hm." "Same school as me." "What's she going to do" " A levels an' that?" "Sixth form, yeah." "Mm." "Worry about her, then... .. don't worry about me." "~ I'm here to help." "~ You want to help?" "Stop talking bollocks." "You really want to help, bring UHT milk " "~ it keeps better than real." "~ OK." "UHT." "Got it." "Till next time, yeah?" "Mm, counting' the hours(!" ")" "FAINT TOLLING OF BELL" "You're only wearing that to annoy the Mollisons." "No, I'm not, because that would be puerile." "BELL TOLLS" "HE SIGHS" "~ That looks comfy." "~ Gorgeous colours!" "~ Thank you." "~ (Purple?" ") ~ (I can't bear that woman.)" "Showing your waist at your age, you are brave!" "~ You've just been owned." "By a granny." "~ Shut up, Vikram." "Shoulders!" "'Come on, put them away.'" "Will you put them sodding things away?" "!" "Girls." "SHIRLEY TUTS" "~ Look at him, who's he think he is, Top Gun?" "~ Hmm." "Loser!" "~ It will just be him against us." "~ Ah, yes." "Not a chance." "COLIN INHALES DEEPLY" "Look at him." "Look at the state he's in." "Can't take the pace." "ORGAN PLAYS Hm." "Weighs a... bastard tonne!" "♪ And did those feet in ancient time" "♪ Walk upon England's mountains green?" "♪ And was the Holy Lamb of God" "♪ On England's pleasant pastures... ♪" "~ Cheeky little sod!" "~ HE HISSES" "♪ And did the countenance divine" "♪ Shine forth upon our clouded hills?" "♪ And was Jerusalem... ♪" "DIGITAL ALARM BLEEPS" "♪.. builded here" "♪ Among those dark... ♪" "DOOR RATTLES OPEN" "DOOR BANGS SHUT" "♪.. satanic mills... ♪" "ROBBIE:" "I'm hungry!" "Want a banana!" "♪ Bring me my... ♪" "Beautiful service, Samantha." "Such a comfort to everyone." "~ Did they come for the stock from the shop?" "~ They did." "That's good news." "A weight from all our shoulders." "Well, don't dwell, dear." "The best way to deal with failure is to learn from it." "So I'm told." "Set your sights a bit lower." "Concentrate on what you're best at." "It's never too late to find out what that might be." "We have but a short time to live." "Like a flower, we blossom and then wither." "Like a shadow, we flee and never stay." "In the midst of life, we are in death." "We have entrusted our brother, Barry, to God's mercy." "And we now commit his body to the ground." "Earth to earth... .. ashes to ashes, dust to dust..." ".. in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ..." "Amen." "ALL:" "Amen." "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us evermore." "Amen." "ALL:" "Amen." "~ Arf." "~ Fats." "Samantha Mollison's got the most amazing arse, you ever noticed that?" "The way I feel right now, I could sort old Shirley out." "I got a massive boner in the church." "What?" "It's a recognised phenomenon." "Eros and Thanatos." "Sex and Death." "Grief gives you the raging horn - both men and females." "Even Mary." "You put the touch on her now, you could do what you wanted." "I mean, she'd probably be crying, but, you know, still do what you wanted." "She's my auntie." "Well, I'm just sayin'." "~ Oh, um..." "Mr Price?" "~ Leaving so soon?" "I'm a working man." "I've got a shift." "And that, Howard, is what makes me stand out in this election " "I'm a grafter." "~ Oh." "~ Providing for my family." "You know, no... silver spoon in my mouth, no privilege, just school of hard knocks." "We thought you might have heard about the message." "Yes, from the ghost, um..." "We're sure it's not true." "But nonetheless, stolen goods, criminal activities, you know?" "We just got told, Betty's got one of these... tablet, clever thingies, but I..." "I don't get on with them at all, I-I-I get all of a dither, but..." ""Watch your pockets when old Simon is on the prowl, he'll..." ""He'll pilfer anything he can get his grubby mitts on"?" "We have to think about electoral procedure." "Let the villains stay in Westminster, eh?" "We of the grassroots must be beyond reproach." "What?" "What the..." "It's all lies." "I'm being smeared." "I'm a victim of smear." "Oh, isn't it awful?" "It's such a shame after you had all those lovely flyers printed." "All right, get in the car." "Now!" "DOORS SLAM, ENGINE STARTS UP" "CAR DRIVES AWAY QUICKLY" "~ Wow!" "What is it?" "~ It's a digger." "Aw!" "Say, "Thank you, Mr Fairbrother"." "Thank you, Mr Fairbrother." "~ My pleasure, Robbie." "~ Oh, look at that!" "Now, you stay in there and be good, OK?" "How's Andrew, he seem all right to you?" "He's Arf." "He's..." "enigmatic." "He's in love." "~ Is he?" "~ Mm." "New girl." "Black girl." "~ He's so bang in love with her." "~ He tell you that, did he?" "Nah, it's just obvious." "And we don't talk that much now." "You were thick as thieves once upon a time." "Mm, that was little school." "Everything changes when you go up from little school." "So you..." "You are going to school?" "Now and then I pop in." "Grace 'em with my presence, lucky bastards(!" ")" "~ You down for any exams?" "~ Yeah, 14" " Latin, Greek and all sorts." "HE SCOFFS" "No." "Reckon I might jack it for good." "~ Oi!" "You're not going to do that." "~ Why aren't I?" "I want you to finish school." "Up!" "You can do one exam." "Ah..." "Maths." "Tell them you want to sit maths." "But I don't." "Mrs Wall will help you through it, keep you on the straight, huh?" "You like her." "She's mental, got to be." "Just sat there listening to my shit." "Just do one exam, Krystal." "Doesn't matter what mark you get, and then, when you're done... you can come 'ere and we can talk about your apprenticeship." "A job?" "Here?" "I... can't do anything." "Well, you budget your money." "Look after Robbie and yourself..." "Only just." "Yeah, you'll be learning." "Eyes and ears open and that big cakehole of yours shut." "And no effing and jeffing." "Just running errands, making yourself useful, huh?" "What about him, like, picking him up from school and holidays?" "Oh, Robbie!" "Don't matter about that." "Yeah, we'll..." "We'll work around his school hours." "You'd start September." "And Mum?" "We just have to stick to what we're doing." "Well, the rest's up to her, but..." "you need to live your life." "Go to school, do your exam... .. and until then, this is between us." "Then if you change your mind, only us'd know." "Think about it." "Would I have my own desk?" "Oh..." "Oh, the, uh, the job..." "it comes with a desk." "SHE CHUCKLES" "'All right, Krystal?" "'" "Yeah." "So... you... hooked up with anyone right now?" "~ What's it to you?" "~ Wondering if I've got a chance." "What?" "!" "~ You never talk to me in school." "~ Well, that's school." "Don't want an audience if I'm going to get a knock-back." "I'm sensitive." "But I've always liked you." "So... .. can we hook up?" "I'll see you around then." "SIMON PANTS" "The garage is stuffed with loo rolls from your work." "What about them?" "Shut up, woman!" "Well, who'd do this to us?" "The only people who knew about this are in this house." "Was it you, blabbing?" "Or you, gobbing off to your mates?" "Well, w-w-who'd you buy it from?" "That bastard, Obbo, he's never bloody liked me!" "Well, we have to get rid of it." "We can't do it now, somebody'll be bloody watching!" "~ HE PANTS ~ We'll have to hide it." "All the cables, the whole lot of it, under your bed." "Go on, hide it." "Yeah, but what if the police come round?" "If they've read about this at work..." "It's just the excuse they need, huh?" "If they've read about this, I'm finished, I'm done." "I'm over." "~ Right..." "~ HE CATCHES BREATH" "You, get some filler, fill these holes in a-and clear this mess up." "And hide that, OK?" "~ Eh..." "~ I'd better get ready for work." "Mum." "If anyone comes asking, all right, I'll deal with it." "~ We don't know what they're talking about." "~ Right." "DOOR SLAMS SHUT, SIMON YELLS" "♪ When I woke up this morning I was feelin' fine" "♪ But this cat starts banging, man, what a swine" "♪ So I called reception but to no avail" "♪ That's why I'm telling you this sorry tale" "♪ It went bang, I said shut up" "♪ It went bang, I said rap up" "♪ Well, I'm aware that the guy must do his work" "♪ But the pile-driver man drove me berserk" "♪ He said, "Captain?" I said, "Wot?"" "♪ He said, "Captain?" I said, "Wot?"" "♪ He said, "Captain?" I said, "Wot?"" "♪ He said, "Captain?"... ♪" "BARRY: 'I wonder if any of his colleagues know he nicked stuff 'from work on a regular basis." "'Bog rolls, paper reams... now he's dealing in dodgy tellies." "'Might be a bit much to call him a criminal mastermind, but hey - 'everyone's got to start somewhere." "'So, ladies, gents, the good, the noble, the...'" "SHOUTING FROM DOWNSTAIRS" "SIMON: 'You make it impossible for me to breathe!" "'" "ARF: "So, ladies, gents, the good..."" "BARRY: '.. the noble, the true of Pagford... 'it's a two-horse race, 'except one of them's a bit of a seaside donkey." "'And who is this long-eared little guy with an expression of woe?" "'Why, it's Miles Mollison.'" "He's on our side... the ghost." "'Poor Miles.'" "DONKEY "BRAYING" SOUND EFFECT ON PC" "'He's like a ventriloquist's dummy sat on Howard's lap " "' "Yes, Dad, no, Dad, three bags full, Dad."" "'Miles doesn't dare fart unless Howard and Shirley tell him he can.'" "GIRLS LAUGH" "Come on, budge up, let's have a look." "I could do with a laugh." "'I'm racking my brains to think of something, anything, 'that Miles does for himself, and there's nothing.'" "~ Great loyalty skills, you two." "~ GIRLS GIGGLE" "It's good to know you've got your father's back(!" ")" "'No!" "Wait" " I've got one." "'Off his own bat, Miles is cultivating 'a really stonking pair of man boobs.'" "DONKEY "BRAYING" ON PC" "'Vote Mini-Me Mollison." "Vote Moobs!" "'" "(Delete, delete, delete.)" "BELL CHIMES" "Ah, there you are, young lady, sit yourself down." "~ Best handwriting now!" "~ HE CHUCKLES" "Hello, Andrew." "Tasty, is it?" "It says here you have to have... previous experience." "Lie." "~ I'll tell you what to put." "~ It's her!" "Dr Jawanda... the ghost." "SHIRLEY PANTS Saying terrible things about Miles." "~ It's her!" "~ C-Can you prove it?" "No, but give her enough rope..." "Oh, I'll see her choke!" "I won't take much of your precious time." "I just need some of my ointment." "HOWARD WINCES" "~ Aah..." "~ OK, that does look painful." "Yeah, yes..." "It's a side effect of all those pills, you know." "No, it's a side effect of being overweight." "~ Rude, you are." "~ Fact." "~ BIN RATTLES ~ I'd like you to get on the scales and I need to take your blood pressure." "No!" "I can't be bothered!" "We're both busy people, especially you." "Very busy bee, you are." "What's that supposed to mean?" "~ How's your diet?" "~ Oh, it's good, all good food, good quality, you know?" "~ Yeah." "~ Exercise?" "~ HE SCOFFS ~ I don't stop from dawn to dusk." "Let's not make this complicated - ointment, please, huh?" "Then we can both get on." "SHE HAMMERS KEYBOARD KEYS" "HOWARD COUGHS" "Thank you, Dr Jawanda." "Hmm." "You just took an emergency appointment." "They're meant for people who are seriously ill." "This was not an emergency." "It was to me." "Tatty-bye, then." "Be good, and if you can't be good, be careful." "You can never be too careful." "Bye-bye." "PHONE RINGS" "Mm..." "Hello, Miles." "PHONE CONTINUES TO RING" "Uh..." "It's all soft and pink... .. and sweet." "Mmm..." "Oh..." "Come on." "Come on." "You want the marshmallow?" "Fetch the marshmallow." "HE GROANS" "I'm drowning." "You're a drowning pirate and I'm a... a horny mermaid." "No, I am actually drowning." "I mean... not actually, it just feels..." "You know?" "That's the most honest thing you've said to me in years." "I'm getting man boobs." "SHE SCOFFS" "You've got a long way to go before your rack's as good as mine." "D'you know what I think?" "That we should have a few people over for dinner." "Hm?" "Just leave everything to me." "Breaking bread with the enemy now, are we?" "You are way too involved in this." "There's a principle at stake here." "It's impossible to be too involved." "There'll be tears before bedtime." "Ooh, look at me, getting a lecture in principles from a man who gives new tits and tummy tucks to the wives of Russian oligarchs!" "Well, it pays for all this." "DOG BARKS" "Come on, Sinbad, there's a good boy, come on." "LOUD CHATTERING" "SHE GASPS Oh..." "SINBAD YELPS" "MAN:" "Right, come on." "TESS: .." "If you look on the wall, he's one of them and I urge you to vote for him." "I'll leave you some leaflets and perhaps you'd like... ~ Hi, there." "~ I'll pick him up in a bit." "I got... clean pants and trousers just in case he has an accident." "Bye, Robbie!" "Krystal!" "I wanted to speak to you at the funeral, but you just disappeared, how are you?" "All right, why wouldn't I be?" "Well, don't rush off, have a coffee or something." "Don't mean to be rude, Miss Wall, but all that, when we used to have coffee and biscuits and talk to me like we were tight... that's back then, that's done." "~ Well, you know where I am." "~ What for?" "Sorry, sorry." "Late, late, late!" "I'm catching it off you!" "It's a massive house." "~ And they've got a swimming pool." "~ And a vineyard." "~ Oh, lucky them(!" ") ~ Their parents will be there." "~ And it's France, the Languedoc, our friends." "~ Friends we can talk to." "We don't know anybody here." "~ Who are we supposed to talk to for the whole summer?" "~ Me and Dad." "~ Why are you being so mean?" "~ Because I AM mean." "I'm mean and I'm bitter and I'm selfish and cruel." "I am the mother from hell and I'm going to ruin your lives because I LOVE IT!" "Mwah-hah-hah-ha!" "Now, I can turn the embarrassing parent thing up so much higher," "I haven't even got started yet." "So drop this subject, because the answer is no." "Me and Dad don't see anything of you in term time, holidays is when we get to be a family." "~ Posh bitches." "~ The end." "SINGING ECHOES FROM BUILDING" "WOMAN: 'Chin up, Stephanie.'" "CHILDREN SING WITH TEACHER" "'Nice and high.'" "~ SONG FINISHES ~ 'Very good!" "'" "Arf..." "I was... going to say something earlier, but I never, cos..." "I dunno, I just never, but..." "It's bad, yeah?" "~ About Mr Fairbrother." "~ Yeah." "Shhh!" "(What was it?" ")" "He had, like, a bleed in his brain." "(Fuck's sake.)" "Yeah." "Well, I just wanted to say it's shit." "Like, proper shit, cos... ~ .." "Mr Fairbrother, he was... all right." "~ Yeah." "Cheers, Krystal." "Just don't spaff on me, right, cos these are clean on." "ZIP RASPS Bit keen." "Lucky I don't want a conversation, ain't it?" "FATS GROANS" "BOOKS CLATTER" "Shhh!" "RHYTHMIC BEATING" "COUGHING, HE GROANS" "~ FATS BREATHES HEAVILY ~ Oh, my God..." "HE PANTS" "You're amazing!" "Yeah, all lads say that after they've just jizzed." "What?" "Ring my father and complain." "~ Fats, you didn't?" "~ Yes, I did." "Colin is going to go feral." "SHE GASPS Look at those shoes, Rob!" "Oh!" "DOG BARKS OUTSIDE" "~ TERRI SIGHS ~ I want the card." "~ I want the card for the money." "~ You ain't having' it." "Well, it's my money, it's my card, it's my benefit." "You ain't having' it." "Aah!" "TERRI SOBS" "Fuck off and die." "SHOUTS:" "You fucking bitch!" "You fuck off and die!" "TERRI RATTLES UP STAIRS" "TERRI MOANS, SLAMS DOOR SHUT" "DOOR CLICKS OPEN You...!" "DOOR SLAMS What d'you think you're playing at?" "The library rang you, then?" "Stuart, please tell me they've made a mistake, you'd never DREAM of doing something like that!" "Oh, he did it all right, in the philosophy section!" "Kierkegaard is dripping with ejaculate!" "Mumsy, Colin is absolutely correct." "I was vigorously masturbated, and it was intensely pleasurable." "By Krystal Weedon..." "Bloody..." "Krystal..." "Weedon!" "That's right." "Krystal Weedon... from The Fields estate, who you claim to care about so much." "~ Stuart, don't you dare." "~ Oh..." "Is that what I think it is?" "~ Stuart!" "~ I said..." "I said it was cannabis!" "This is you protecting him, lying for him, undermining me." "I said that I could smell cannabis, you said it was Toilet Duck!" "I knew." "MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS" "This is my house and while you're under my roof you will abide by my rules!" "LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYS" "(Oh, God!" ") D-Did Krystal Weedon give you these drugs?" "~ She gave him these drugs!" "~ I bought them all on my own." "~ Well, put it out." "~ Do it." "Be honest, for once in your life, Colin." "~ You're an animal, Colin." "Do it!" "~ Stop it, stop it!" "Both of you, stop!" "For God's sake!" "What are you doin'?" "~ What is wrong with you?" "!" "~ I'm on a quest for authenticity." "Hah!" "~ What does that even mean?" "~ I'm casting off the yoke of... claustrophobic, middle-class, liberal principles." "He wants to hurt us." "Colin, you are a crypto-fascist control freak." "He's not a control freak or a crypto-fascist." ""My house." "My roof." "My rules."" "Deal with your son." "Stuart, I am appalled by what you've done." "And who I've done it with." "But there's nothing you can say or do." "~ HE SNIFFS ~ Krystal and I are together." "I see." "Then you listen to me." "You be careful with that girl." "Oh, Mumsy." "Are you scared she'll lead me astray?" "You're not as big and clever as you think you are, Stuart." "You be careful with Krystal." "She's vulnerable." "COLIN SHOUTS: 'Everything I've done for him and this is what I get!" "'" "~ TESS: 'Colin...' ~ 'No, just...'" "'What?" "'" "'Just answer me this logical question - 'what if the governors, what if Ofsted...'" "'Ofsted?" "!" "Colin, you're always..." "Colin, please, calm down.'" "BARRY: 'The truth about Colin Wall.'" "'Mild-mannered, wheezing hypochondriac Colin 'who panics if he has to change a light bulb 'in case he electrocutes innocent bystanders..." "'You all know Colin, right?" "The man's a degenerate." "'A glutton for the fleshpots." "'An amoral jackal with an insatiable appetite for depravity.'" "'You want Pagford to sink into a mire of unbridled filth, do you?" "'Is that what you want?" "Because that's what'll happen 'if you vote for Colin Wall." "I am the ghost of Barry Fair...'" "HITS BUTTON ON KEYBOARD" "Oh, come on, don't be such a girl about it." "~ It was funny." "~ It wasn't." "Well, actually, it was, but whatever." "It got taken down right after I wrote it." "~ I reckon old Shirley must've been up all night." "~ I deleted it." "You?" "Have you hacked it?" "I knew it was you, doing the ghost!" "If you've hacked it, we can have a proper laugh with it." "~ No." "~ Why have you turned into the fun police?" "Stay out of it, Fats." "I mean it." "~ Don't dick about." "~ All right!" "Sense of humour failure there, Arf." "Personality prolapse, my friend." "Good luck!" "With what, Stuart?" "The job, Gaia." "The job." "Nice shirt, by the way, you look like a right tit." "Where's Krystal live?" "Well, hi." "I don't like people coming to my house." "Well, I'm here now." "Aren't you going to invite me in?" "Quick, up the stairs." "Hurry up!" "Come on, go, go, go." "Come on!" "Oh, my God, is this Mum's?" "~ Don't..." "~ This is my mum's." "She's been looking for that for ages." "I... found it." "Possession is nine-tenths of the law." "Which makes it yours." "Leave that, Fats." ""Happy Birthday, Darling Barry." ""Love you, M." Kiss." "What the hell is all this crap?" "I told you." "I... found it." "So, er, they know about us." "My mum and dad." "What they say?" "Well, Colin..." "No, I know what Mr Wall'll say." "Thinks I'm going to rock up at his doorstep with a sprog and he'll have to pay for it." "He's a drone." "A slave." "Your mum, though." "What's she say?" "Why's it matter?" "It don't." "Just asking." "Know what she would do if you did get pregnant?" "Turn the upstairs into, like, a nursery." "Mother and baby suite." "Come with you to all the scans." "Hold your hand as you were pushing it out. "My grandchild!"" "On the sofa, cosy chats, tea and toast and getting cross with the news, like it matters a fuck... .. then you too would be suffocating in bourgeois mendacity." "What we talking about babies for?" "Who says I'm going to shag you?" "Come and lie down with me." "You come over here to me." "I'll tell you what she did say." ""You be careful with that girl." "She's vulnerable."" "Right." "I didn't tell her what you really are." "What's that?" "Authentic." "I try my best, but some days are better than others." "I just hope I can keep up the positivity." "Good for you." "Terri?" "Would you like to speak?" "Anything you'd like to share?" "~ No." "No." "~ OK." "She's so elegant." "Delightful couple, the Sweetloves." "We're really very close." "Don't you think it's unfair, Granny?" "About France?" "Well, I must say it does sound lovely, the Languedoc." "All we need are the tickets and some spending money." "~ And Dad's going to be so busy with the election." "~ Yeah." "If Mum was thinking straight, she'd let us go." "But she's just not thinking straight." "No, well..." "But then..." "Girls, you're not being fair to your mother." "She does her very best." "You're to be kind." "~ Please, talk to Grampy." "~ Please." "Oh, all right." "But you're going to get me into a lot of trouble, you know." "~ Honestly, I'm twisted right round your little fingers, aren't I?" "~ Mmm." "Who's invited to this dinner party, then?" "If I'm going to be ambushed, I'd prefer to be sober." "If I was going to ambush you, I'd just do it." "I wouldn't go to all the pain in the arse trouble of cooking, so stop being such a narky cow and have some bloody wine." "Right, then." "This bloody election." "This vote on Sweetlove House." "You're all involved with it." "Now, what difference would it make if it wasn't there, if everything was moved to town?" "~ Why shouldn't it be a boutique hotel and spa?" "~ Actually..." "No, don't tell me, Parminder." "Personally, I love a spa." "Tell Miles." "Tell him why it matters." "All right, I'm up for that." "Sorry, erm..." "What am I doing here?" "Well, Vikram, while they're all talking about "issues", you and me are going to sit here and make inappropriate jokes." "You're assuming that Miles is going to win, but Colin's got him on the ropes." "He's more than a match." "Oh, yeah?" "Where is he, then?" "He had a migraine." "H-He had to have a lie down." "~ Well, whatever." "~ I'm here!" "Something smells nice." "I thought she must be lonely, that she'd enjoy herself." "People for dinner, you said." "You didn't say what people." "Mum and Dad'll go mad." "They're not going to know, are they?" "Cos they're with the girls." "~ You always go too far." "~ I don't think I go far enough." "Is it starting again?" "What?" "!" "Because this is how it starts." "With you." "If it's starting again, I really need to know." "I can't believe you've just said that to me." "Do not drink any more this evening." "Samantha, do not drink any... ~ Everything all right?" "~ Yes." "He's asleep." "Going out for a bit." "Don't do anything stupid." "~ Where'd he get these?" "~ I got 'em." "You nick 'em?" "Little bit." "Nicked 'em a little bit." "Is there anything to eat?" "You hungry?" "I-I think so, yeah." "This is delicious, Samantha." "Letters keep arriving for him." "House insurance." "The car." "The bank." "I'm sure Colin could help." "Colin's really brilliant at that sort of thing." "What, when he hasn't got a migraine?" "Vikram, what is it you do?" "Surgery." "Cosmetic." "~ Oh." "~ Lucky old Parminder, eh?" "Want something done, get your husband to do it." "Are you saying I should have cosmetic surgery?" "No, I'm just saying, if you wanted to, then you could." "Parminder doesn't consider my work to be work, do you, dear?" "No, I don't." "It's superficial." "I'd have everything done." "Drag it all up." "Reel these puppies in." "Everybody wants to go back to who they were, don't they?" "I had a pedicure once." "The girl doing it pointed out I had hairy toes." ""Hobbit feet," she said." "I never went back." "There's an elephant in the room here, isn't there?" "No!" "Not at all." "No!" "How can you think...?" "No!" "How can you think...?" "No!" "Elephant?" "You'd be talking about something else if I wasn't here." "Barry's seat on the council." "Mary, we're going to keep going with Barry's fight, every step of the way, and we're going to beat the bloody Mollisons." "Because what they're doing is grotesque." "I am here, you know." "~ It's nothing to do with what's good for the village." "~ Minda," "~ darling..." "~ It's about them having their tongues so far up Aubrey and Julia Sweetlove's arses they're practically licking their kidneys." "SHE CLEARS HER THROAT" "What an unpleasant image." "MUSIC:" "It's A Sin by Pet Shop Boys" "Don't just stand there." "Get the other end." "Right." "Well?" "Obbo's not here." "He's in prison." "Shit, shit." "And I told his mate you wanted your money back and he said no refunds and if it's a problem, then call Watchdog." "Bastards!" "Right." "Get in, get in." "What am I supposed to do now?" "!" "It's not fair." "Why does this always happen to me?" "Always." "So who's that lad, then?" "Fats." "My boyfriend." "Is he nice to you?" "Yeah." "Says I'm authentic." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Means I'm real." "Of course you're fucking real." "What's his point?" "He means I'm not a faker." "It's a compliment, Mum." "If he wants to give you a compliment, why can't he just say you're pretty or something, you know?" "Is he some kind of prick?" "Mm." "This is good, it's tasty." "Yeah, it's all right." "You're a right good girl, Krystal." "Yeah." "You're a right good girl." "MUSIC:" "Choir To The Wild by Solomon Grey" "~ I'm doing you a roll-up!" "~ Cheers." "SHE SOBS" "Krys, has that kettle boiled yet?" "Yeah." ".. I know, getting away!" "I can't believe you convinced Granny..." "Oh, look at this." "Eton Mess, is it?" "Yummy." "You've gone to so much trouble." "Shirley, Miles and I wanted the girls to stay with us this summer." "But why would you deprive them of such an opportunity?" "A teensy bit selfish." "I'll be mother, shall I?" "Here we are!" "Ambition and solid hard work." "That's one of the things I so admired and respected about Barry, his passionate convictions." "And Parminder there, also a lady of convictions, with her mentaldome..." "Methadone!" "Clinics for the junkies in our village, so they don't have to catch a bus to get into the town, making life easy for them, as if life isn't easy enough." " Hang on..." " It's more complex than that." "You would say that, your jobs depend on it being complex, but it's simple." "They choose to stick needles in and rob decent folk." "~ Miles agrees, don't you, Miles?" "~ Well..." "It's just take-take-take-take and people have got to be responsible for their own choices." "How much did your heart surgery cost?" "Your stay in hospital?" "All the staff, the drugs, the medication you are on now, how much did that cost?" "~ What?" "~ And you're supposed to honour that work that's done on you by staying below a certain weight, but you don't, you eat and eat and eat, you're practically mainlining foie gras into your eyeballs." "~ Parminder, stop now." "~ So all that medication has to be doubled, trebled, because you've made a lifestyle choice and it all costs, right down to that cream for that disgusting rash under your belly, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of pounds." "~ Minda, shut up!" "~ Which means that you, Howard, are a bloody hypocrite!" "And you have just broken doctor-patient confidentiality." "~ I shall be making phone calls about this in the morning." "~ Yes." "I will be making a great deal of noise." "Thank you." "Well, that's us." "Night." "Mary, dear, would you like us to walk you home?" "I'll talk to you tomorrow." "I'm very hurt that such an attack could happen in my own house." "Well, I-I'm sorry, my son's house." "I always felt so safe here." "Shit." "That really spiralled." "SHOP BELL RINGS" "Howard, think about the mark you make on the world." "What is your legacy going to be?" "Cheese." "Cheese, cheese." "Who's that, your wingman?" "I can't shift him." "I don't know what he wants." "He wants ME!" "You need to keep off the cheese, Howard." "It is incredibly moreish." "Do you know what the real casual vacancy is?" "It's the grave." "It yawns open briefly and then it's filled by us." "Dead meat." "It's dark and it's lonely." "It's so lonely." "CLOCK CHIMES" "Oi, get out of it!" "Get out of my village!" "~ GIRLS LAUGH ~ Go on, piss off!" "Piss off, you filthy plebs!" "Don't come back!" "Dad, you can't just dump it." "Shut up and get the other end." "Come on." "Why do I have to do everything myself?" "Go on." "One, two, three..." "It's floating off." "Huh?" "Sink, you shit, sink!" "Bastard!" "Why won't it bloody sink?" "Did you pack it with the polystyrene?" "Smartarse." "Oh, bloody hell." "~ It's you!" "~ What?" "It's you, isn't it?" "The ghost!" "You think I want people knowing what goes on in our house?" "I don't want anyone knowing that." "~ Dad!" "~ What's going on in our house?" "!" "~ Dad, please!" "~ What goes on in our house?" "Nothing goes on!" "Dad, please!" "Dad..." "Dad!" "I have done you a hot milk and honey." "I put a tot of brandy in it." "Come and drink it before it gets a skin." "~ I don't want to be buried!" "~ What are you talking about?" "~ HE DEFECATES LOUDLY ~ Oh, God." "We already reserved the plots." "Oh, Howard, the rules!" "No solids in the en-suite." "Come on." "SHE SPRAYS AEROSOL" "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "That blasted ghost." "When I find the maleficent, the hateful..." "Whoever it is, when I find them, I will make them rue the day." "And that Dr Jawanda, she won't be calling herself that much longer." "What she has put you through." "I will have her struck off and stacking shelves, plain old Mrs." "Take her down a peg or two." "We reserved the plots, the plots in the graveyard." "Yes, years ago." "So we got a good location." "Not just stuck out the back with all the others." "People will have to pass by us as they make their way into the church." "Yes, as soon as the vote's done, we can put the rotten business of Sweetlove House behind us." "The ghost will disappear and we can get a good night's sleep." "Nighty-night."