" Well, mom, what do you think ?" " Oh, you look beautiful !" ""Homecoming queen" beautiful, or "runner-up I wish I was dead" beautiful ?" "Homecoming queen beautiful." "Not that I would know." "I never got to go to my homecoming dance 'cause your dad got sick and stood me up, leaving me at home wearing a taffeta dress and eating cookie dough." "Really ?" "Homecoming queen beautiful ?" " Penny, what are you wearing ?" " My dress for the homecoming dance." "A group of us thought we'd mock the whole thing and show up dressed like zombies." "You look revolting." "Really ?" "Zombie queen revolting, or just some dead girl revolting ?" "Hey, Pearce, do you have a date for the dance yet ?" "I'm not going." "It's a swing dance theme." "I thought you loved swing dancing." "I do, but there's no one at school who can keep up with me, and I am not going to pollute the purity of swing with some partner who doesn't even know the difference between a paddle turn and a sugarfoot." "You know, Pearce, I swing dance." "I know it might not be cool, but I could go with you." "Uh, mom, I love you... but you dance like a drunken penguin." "Parker!" "Look how handsome you are !" "And the best part is... it's free !" "All he has to do is wear it to school every day until the dance, and say..." "Terry's Tuxes are fan-tux-tic." "You're not going to make me wear one of those walking billboards too, are you ?" "Oh, of course not." "On the way home, we passed a church fair, and, well, you know how I'm so good at whack-a-mole ?" "Ha-ha!" "You're freakin' kidding me, right?" "You expect me to wear a stuffed bear's clothes ?" "Well, it's not like it's the first time." "Remember that little yellow hat and raincoat we got you last year ?" "Let me see you, already." "This is so embarrassing." " What's so embarrassing about it ?" " It fits perfectly." "So, uh... who you planning on asking to go with you goldilocks?" "No, tomorrow I'm asking..." "Abby, Amy, Annabeth and Ashley." "What, you're going through all the hot girls in school alphabetically ?" "I gots to get a hottie to go with me." "I mean, somewhere along the line, I lost my status as a stud." "Well, this may sound crazy but I'm just going to ask one girl who I really like Carrie Friedman." "Well, you'd better hurry, 'cause, um, I'm getting to the "cs" on friday." "Hey, Pearce." "Dude, I don't want to look like a dork in front of carrie." "Can you teach me how to swing dance?" "Parker... the teacher comes when the student is ready." " Uh, uh, I-I'm ready." " Okay, let's dance." "I got us real cemetery dirt for our costumes." "Oh, my god, there's a maggot in here." "You're the best !" " Ow !" "Get off my foot, you clod !" " Stop spinning me so fast!" "What the hell are you guys doing ?" "I'm trying to teach Parker how to swing dance, but grampa's heart had better rhythm." "I can help you demonstrate." "I know how to swing dance." "Who are you?" "This is Matt, my gay and therefore ironic date to the homecoming formal." "You know how to "schwing", huh?" " West coast ?" " Sure." " Lindy ?" " Yup." " Hollywood ?" " Uh-huh." " Balboa ?" " Of course." " Shad ?" " Puh-leez !" "Let's dance !" "Bob, I was thinking about throwing the kids a little pre-homecoming party since it's part of the whole experience." "Not that I would know." "For the 400th time, I'm sorry." "I was sick that night." "Because you went to Atlantic City with your friends and got so drunk you were too hung over to go to the formal." "Get your facts straight." "I was not hung over." "I was still drunk." "Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Chase." " Bye, Matt." " Bye-bye." "Isn't it great that Penny's going to the dance ?" "Oh, yeah." "Her date is gay, and she's going dressed as a zombie." "Why don't you move the coffee table so I can do a cartwheel ?" "I can't believe you." "You are such a jerk." " Matt was my homecoming date." " Hey, he asked me." "Maybe if you were more of a dancer you could hold onto your man." "Well, it looks like I'm going to get drunk this homecoming, too." "Hey, bro, what's going on ?" "Oh, what a day." "I already got shot down by Barbara, Beth and Brandy." " Hey, Brittany." " No." " Hi, Parker." "Cool tux." " Thanks, Carrie." "Time to make my move." " Chase." " Ah...!" "Hey, Gino, what's up?" "My sister Gina wants to go to the homecoming formal with you." "Thing is, Gino, uh, I was already planning on asking... ask Gina now, or I'm going to shove him up you." "What did I do, bitch ?" "Well ?" "Hey, Gina." "Listen, um..." "Did my brother just threaten you to ask me to the dance?" " Uh, actually, he did, yeah." " Good." "Pick me up at 7:00." "Dad, I need some money to do my hair and makeup for the dance." "Sure, honey." "How much do you need ?" " $400." " $400 ?" "I buried an uncle for $300." "Dad, homecoming queen is at stake." "Carol, please tell her that there is more to life than winning homecoming queen." "That crown could have been mine, Bob." "All mine if it weren't for you." "Give her the money !" " Here's 20 bucks." " Great." "I'm going to look like this guy." " Hey, mom, dad." " Hey, Pearce." "Uh, Matt and I are going to practice dancing in the living room later, so we're going to move some furniture around." "Already they're redecorating." "Pearce, it's fine if you move the living room furniture around." " Are you gay ?" " Bob..." "Hum..." "I think what your father is wondering and we don't care either way, just as long as you're happy but we just want to know." " Are you gay ?" " What ?" "No." "Geez, just 'cause I'm going to the homecoming formal with a guy ?" "This is about the purity of the dance. "Am I gay ?" does this look gay to you ?" "Pearce cannot go to the dance with Matt." "If he does, he'll get made fun of for the rest of high school." "Why ?" "Because people are going to think he's gay ?" "Well, that would be easy." "If he were gay, he would have support groups, clubs, parades." "What's his chant going to be "I'm here, I'm weird, get used to it"?" " Hi, Penny." " Hi, traitor." "Hi, backstabber." "Come on, Penny, let's get past this." "Matt, you used to be a rebel." "A zombie." "What happened to you ?" "I'm sorry." "I started dancing with Pearce and decided I want a more traditional homecoming experience." "This is all your fault, Pearce." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "I am not the villain here, okay ?" "He was abducted by an evil little kidnapper I like to call "the dance."" "uh-oh, here he comes again." "Five, six, seven, eight." " Sorry." "I forgot you were leading." " Why don't you lead if it's easier?" "That's why I thought I'd follow, to make it easier for you." "Dude, you, uh, don't have to make it easier for me." "What's going on ?" "Are, are you guys fighting ?" "No, we're not fighting." "You know what ?" "Why don't we just take turns leading and following ?" " Great idea." " Whoa, whoa, whoa ; wait a minute." "I mean, not to interfere, but, uh, shouldn't the better dancer do the harder steps ?" "I mean, one of you has to be better." "So, who is it ?" " I mean, that's pretty hard to say, dad." " Yeah, it is." "Although I might be a little more experienced." " Well, you wouldn't know it." " What's that supposed to mean ?" "Uh, it means that sometimes your Tacky Annie is more Tacky than Annie." "Oh ?" "Well, your Carolina Shim-sham is more like a Carolina Flim-flam." "Oh, snap !" "You wish you had my steps." "Well, here's one step you might not be familiar with." "That's the best move you've had all day !" "Come on, don't fight." "That's it." "Zelda just turned me down." "I have no one to go to homecoming with." "I guess you're stuck with your usual fall-back date that video you hide in your sock drawer." "Hey, Catherine Zeta Juggs is a very gifted actress." "Guess what ?" "Jessica said we can share her limo to the dance." " Oh, cool." " See you later." "Dude, you asked Carrie Friedman to the dance ?" "How did you get out of going with Gina ?" "Uh, I haven't yet, but I'm about to." " Is that an onion ?" " Yeah." "See, I'm going to make myself so disgusting, Gina won't want to go with me." "Dude, just stand up to her brother." "Don't be such a wuss." "Hey, Chase." " Hey, Gina." "How are you ?" " What's that smell ?" "Oh, it's probably my breath." "I have this little problem." "Gets worse at night." "Uh, or when I sweat, like from dancing." "Sorry." " It smells like onion." " I know." "I love the smell of onion." "I also love the taste." "Hey, Pearce." "How's the dancing going with Matt ?" "I'm done dancing with Matt." "Didn't dad tell you ?" " No, he didn't." " Oh, well, let me give today's headline." "Matt and pearce aren't going to the dance together anymore, because Matt thinks he's a better dancer than Pearce, but he's not." "Bob ?" "Did you have something to do with this ?" "Wasn't that too long for a headline ?" " You did this." "You broke them up." " I did not." " And I did it to protect him." " I can't believe you." "Just because you were uncomfortable with who your son was taking to the dance, you had to ruin it for him?" "Oh, it's just a dance." "He'll get over it." "Like I did, Bob." "Well, this is different." "I think he really wanted to get out of it." "I just gave him a little nudge." "And besides, you heard him." "He never wants to speak to Matt again." " Hello." " Is that Matt?" " I'm sorry." "No." " Oh." "Good." "Mom, dad, I'd like you to meet my date for the dance." "Dead Pearce." "Oh, my god." "Honey, don't you think you've taken this grudge against your brother a little too far ?" "Please." "I've totally moved on." "Hey, uh, Gina, I don't mean to gross you out, but do I got any bats in the cave ?" "Ew !" "You do !" "Let me get it for you." "Patton, what are we gonna do, man ?" "I can't get rid of Gina." "She's ungross-outable." "And Carrie's expecting me in 45 minutes." "You know, dude, normally I'd, uh, throw you a bone and take Carrie off your hands, but my dance card is full." " Wait a minute." "You got a date ?" " I don't have a date." "I have the date." "Yeah, I know I might be dressed like a teddy bear, but this date's gonna take me from cuddly to studly." " Hi, Bob." " Hey, Tyler." "Come on in." "Paige, your date is here." "Oh, my god, what happened to you ?" "You didn't give me enough money, so I had to borrow makeup and buy a cheap highlighting kit, and now I look like a rodeo clown." " Okay, honey, we can fix this." " How ?" "In what universe could a homecoming queen have frizzy red hair ?" "You're on your own." "You better get out there, man." "Gina's making her pirate tattoo talk." "That's it." "God, I better call Carrie." "She's never gonna talk to me again after standing her up." "Who's getting stood up ?" "Uh, the girl I was hoping to take to homecoming before Gina's brother forced me to take her." " What ?" " Come on, parker." "Let's get out of here." " He is not going anywhere." " Mom, what are you doing ?" "I am not letting you and your neanderthal brother ruin my son's formal." "What a wuss!" "You're having your mother fight your battles for you ?" "!" " Gina, I didn't ask her..." " That disgusts me." "Really ?" "Mommy, make the mean girl go away." "Don't worry, Paige." "We're going to be homecoming king and queen." "I can feel it in my bones." " Watch it, pretty boy !" " Oh, Tyler, are you okay ?" " Oh, let's get you some ice." " Oh, my nose." "Is it broken?" "It is now." "Oh, sorry." "I-I got to get to carrie's." "Oh, my god, you're Catherine Zeta Juggs." "Are you Patton ?" "The one who wrote me he's dying ?" "No." "He is." "You the man !" " Hi." "Can I help you ?" " I'm Catherine." " Patton's date for the dance ?" " What ?" "Hi." "Bob Chase." "Uh, have we met before ?" "I don't think so." "Huh. 'Cause I swear I've seen you somewhere." "I just can't..." "I can't remember where..." "Oh..." "I'm Patton." "Come on in." "Hi, Patton." "Oh, you poor little guy." "Are you really dying?" "Yes, I am." "You..." "likey ?" "Nice girl, huh ?" "Bob, I am not letting Patton go to the dance with that adult film star." "What makes you think she's an adult film star ?" "Bob, who do you think organizes your sock drawer ?" "Hey, Matt." "Come on in." "Pearce, would you come downstairs, please ?" "There's someone here to see you." " What are you doing here ?" " Well, I got your flowers." "What flowers ?" "I didn't send you any flowers." " Well, I did." " What ?" "Listen, I was the one who caused that fight between you two, and I was wrong." "Well, it doesn't matter who started it." "You don't mock a man's hoofing and get away with it." "Hey, you're the one who dissed my Tacky Annie." "Oh, well, if the wing tip fits." " That's it." "I'm out of here." " Fine !" "Five, six." "Seven, eight." "So, Matt, what you doing tonight ?" "I'm going to the homecoming formal with the best dancer this side of st." "Louis !" "Can't be, 'cause that's what I'm doing !" "You did good, Bob." "Yeah, I reunited our son with his fella." "Let the bubbly flow." "All right, everybody, let's head to the dance." "Come on, tyler." "We've got homecoming crowns to win." "Oh, good news." "I think the bleeding finally stopped." "Oow !" "Thorns !" "Patton, you're not going anywhere." " Carol, can I talk to you for a second?" " I'm sorry." "I'm not letting him go to the dance with that lady." "Oh, so in other words, it's okay for Pearce to go with a guy, but Patton can't go with a woman just because she's in show business ?" "He's not going." "Like you didn't, Carol." "Like you didn't go." "Um, mrs." "Chase, can I have a word with you ?" "Yes, miss Juggs ?" "I just wanted to let you know how happy I am to be able to do this for Patton." "And for myself." "I never got to go to my homecoming." " You didn't ?" " No." "I got stood up." "I sat home all night eating bonbons." "I ate cookie dough !" "Listen, you go to the dance." "You live that dream." "I will." "Wow !" "You are a really good actress." "Nice touch with the bonbons." "Thank you." "I mean, what kind of mother would deny her dying son his last wish ?" "She's a monster." "Parker and Carrie were runners-up for homecoming king and queen." "They were beaten out by..." "Pearce and Matt." "Penny and dead Pearce were runners-up for zombie king and queen." "They were beaten out by..." "Paige and Tyler." "As desired, Patton became a legend at North Nutley High." "Every girl knew him as the creepy little guy who went to the dance with an adult film star." "As for us, I finally gave Carol the homecoming she always wanted." "We snuck in and danced the night away." "Even dead Pearce looked embarrassed."