"MOSFILM" "AN experimental ARTISTIC ASSOCIATION PRESENTS" "A NON-SCIENCE-FICTION, NOT QUITE REALISTIC" "AND NOT STRICTLY HISTORICAL FILM" "BASED ON M. BULGAKOV'S PLAY "IVAN VASSILYEVICH"" "IVAN VASSILYEVICH CHANGES OCCUPATION" "Written by V. BAKHNOV, L. GAIDAI" "Directed by L. GAIDAI" "Directors of Photography S. POLUYANOV, V. ABRAMOV" "Production Designer Ye." "KUMANKOV" "Music by A. ZATSEPIN" "Starring" "YURI YAKOVLEV LEONID KURAVLYOV" "alexander DEMYANENKO SAVELY KRAMAROV" "NATALYA SELEZNYOVA NATALYA BELOGORTSEVA-KRACHKOVSKAYA" "NATALYA KUSTINSKAYA VLADIMIR ETUSH" "MIKHAIL PUGOVKIN SERGEY FILIPPOV, and others" "Long live Tsar Boris Fyodorovich!" "Long live our father, our tsar!" "glory!" "Damn!" "Hey, what's the matter?" "No electricity again!" "It's outrageous!" "Timofeyev has burned the fuses again!" " Comrade Timofeyev, when will it end?" " I'm finishing." "When will be the end of your experiments which leave our whole building without electricity?" "There you go." "Ivan VassiIyevich, if you knew what an important invention" "I'm working on, you wouldn't have said that." "Experiments with electricity should be done at your office, and at home electricity must be used only for peaceful, domestic purposes!" "How many times did I tell you..." "I'm on leave, so I work at home." "And anyway, my experiments are safe." "As the public representative, I demand that you stop it!" "Today you've burned the fuses, tomorrow you'II burn the house!" "STUPID" "And what is this?" "You see?" "That's the result." "Pah!" "I'II need to raise the voltage." "Dangerous!" "Of course, it's dangerous, but, as they say, nothing ventured..." "Your only love is not so easily found." "Our planet's turning, round and round." "The planet's flying in everyday beat." "It's very hard to fall in love on it." "A winter blizzard is raging," "And thunderstorms are blazing," "And stars in the sky are racing, and cities din in the rain." "And people don't see each other," "They just pass by each other," "They always lose each other," "Never to find again." "But there's somewhere my only love," "My unforgettable," "My true big love." "I Iook for it," "But in everyday beat" "It's hard for us to meet." "A winter blizzard is raging," "And thunderstorms are blazing," "And stars in the sky are racing," "And cities din in the rain." "And people don't see each other," "They just pass by each other," "They always lose each other," "Never to find again." "Never to find again." "I can imagine what's going to happen!" "I hope we can avoid a scandal!" "Those scandals are so tiresome." "I was divorced three times." "Yes, that's right, three times." "Zyuzin doesn't count." "I've never been as nervous as today." "well, I'm going to do it!" "Oh, Shurik!" "Your apparatus is going to kill you!" "My apparatus, Zinochka, will make me famous." "And you, too." "really?" "I'm sorry to bother you, but I have terrible news for you." "My gloves have been stolen from me today." "And I fell in love with another man." "Do you understand, Shurik?" " Yes, your gloves." "What about them?" " Forget the gloves." "I Iove another man." "well, it's done!" "only, please, no objections, and don't make scenes!" "What?" "Are you asking who is the man?" "You probably think it's MoIchanovsky?" "No, you're wrong." "Zupperman?" "Wrong again." "AII right!" "Let's not beat about the bushes." "He is... film director Yakin." "well, well, well." "It's strange though." "It happens for the first time in my Iife." "The man is told that his wife is leaving him, and he says, well, well." "At the very least, it's impolite." "You mean that tall, blond man?" "unbelievable!" "To show so little interest in his own wife!" "The blond one is MoIchanovsky." "Can't you remember it?" "MoIchanovsky." "And Yakin is..." "Yakin is very talented!" "What?" "You ask where we're going to live?" "Today we're leaving for Gagry to look for the film's location." "And later, he will be given a flat." "Of course, if he's not lying." "Sure, he is Iying!" "Oh, all this is so ridiculous!" "To insult a man because you're jealous!" "He can't be lying every minute!" "During my many sleepless nights, I've been thinking, and I came to the conclusion that we're no match for each other." "Can't you understand, alexander, that I Iive in the world of cinema, of art!" "But your calmness just amazes me!" "You know, Shurik, I even feel like making a scene." " No, don't do it." " You think so?" " I'm sure." " A-ha." "Goodbye, Shurik." "But don't cancel my house registration." "Who knows what might happen." "alexander Sergeyevich!" "please, tell Zinaida MikhaiIovna that RozaIia Frantsevna said that KapitoIina Nikiforovna offered Anna Ivanovna a fur coat..." "Zinaida MikhaiIovna has left." " Where for?" " With her lover." "What do you mean, with her lover?" "And you're so calm about it?" " You're a very strange man." " Excuse me, I'm very busy." "You are some character!" "If I were your wife, I would have left, too." "If you were my wife, I would have hanged myself." "You jerk!" "Is that the dental clinic?" "hallo?" "Extension 3-62?" "May I speak to Anton Shpak, please?" "Anton, that's for you." " Who's calling?" " A woman." "Keep your mouth open." "Speaking." "Anton Semyonovich?" "hello." "At what time do you finish today?" "I'm an actress." "No, you don't know me, but I'm dying to meet you." "So you work until four?" "I'II call again, I'm very persistent." "I'm looking forward to it!" "well, Iet's continue." "A.S. Shpak" "How lucky for me to drop by!" "folks, keep your money in a bank!" "naturally, if you have it!" "What do you care about my relations with my wife?" "It's none of your business whether we're divorcing or not." "That's our personal matter." "No, that's a public matter." "Your divorces lower our indices." " What do You want from me?" " Wait until the end of the quarter." "Then you may divorce as much as you Iike." "When you're talking, Ivan VassiIyevich, it looks like a raving." "What do you mean?" "And about your suspicious machine." "I'm asking you to file an application." "Do it, or we'II file a complaint." "Wait." "Wait!" "There's nothing suspicious about my apparatus." "I simply invented a time machine." "In other words, I can run through space and go back to the past." " Go back to the past?" " Yes, to the past." "These experiments, alexander, can be done only by permission of the appropriate authorities." "Wait, Ivan VassiIyevich." "This apparatus can be very useful." "Let me explain." "That's it!" "And now we're going to test the time machine." "You're witnessing a historic event." "First, we'II try a close distance." "Look, we're going to run through space." " Did You see it?" " What?" " You see?" " What is it?" "What happened?" "alexander Sergeyevich, where is the wall?" "What is it?" "What's going on?" "There was a wall here!" "Timofeyev, you will answer for it in court." "Inventing such a machine!" "Go to hell with your wall!" " half a flat has vanished." " No big deal." "What do you mean, no big deal?" "I've seen some technical wonders, but nothing like that." " Excuse me, and who are you?" " Are you asking who I am?" " I'm a friend of Anton Shpak." " And what are you doing in his flat?" "What am I doing?" "I'm waiting for my friend." "And how did you get into his flat if he's not here?" "Oh, go to hell!" "What kind of questions are those?" "Never mind." "I've gone through time." "I've made it!" "tell me, can you lift any wall like that?" "A wall?" "!" "Your invention is invaluable." " congratulations." " Thank you." "Why are you staring at me?" "There're no pictures, nor flowers growing on me." "You're wearing the same imported suede jacket as Shpak does." "really?" "Ajacket?" "A suede jacket?" "Is Shpak the only one in Moscow who has a suede jacket?" "What is your name?" "I'm an artiste of all big and small academic theatres." "And my name is too famous to pronounce it." "Do you want to get back to Shpak's room?" "I can open the wall for you." "I'd better take a look at your machine." " I Iike it." " I'm very glad!" "You're my first witness." "It's my first time being a witness." "Why are you staring?" "You're going to rub a hole through me with your eyes." "Do you realize what you have just seen?" "You bet!" "But tell me..." "Can you lift a wall like that in a store?" " My, what a useful invention!" " You came to Shapk's with a recorder?" "Forget the wall." "The most important thing is that through walls I can pierce space." "I can enter time." "I can go 200, 300 years back!" "You have ignored my question about the tape recorder." "Darn you!" "What a machine!" "A breakthrough in science and technology!" "Darn you again!" "I can't wait!" "Let's go back into the past and see the ancient Moscow!" "What are you saying, Timofeyev?" "Before seeing the ancient Moscow, get a permission from the authorities!" "Just a minute!" "If you mess again with the academic's tests and stop technological progress..." " I'm going to..." " calm down!" "calm down!" "I got it." "Do it." " I'm so nervous." " Don't chicken!" "I'm here!" "...to the heavenly abode to the Reverend Father Superior, Kuzma..." "Kuzma... the Tsar and Grand Duke of all Russia..." "Of all Russia... is bowing low." "Go on writing." "Look!" "That's Ivan the terrible!" "You're kidding!" "Mamma mia!" "The demons!" "The demons!" "The demons!" "Away!" "Stay away!" "Woe is me, the sinner!" "Woe is me, cursed murderer!" "The evil spirit!" " Wait!" "Where are you going?" "Wait!" " Go away, vanish, evil spirit!" " Who are You calling?" " The police." " Put down the phone." " What?" "What do you mean?" " The phone!" "Put down the phone!" " Why?" "I won't!" "Put down the phone, I say!" " Easy!" "Easy!" " I'II crush you, big hat!" "Where are the demons?" "Get them!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "They've bricked me up!" "They've bricked me up, the demons!" "That's what the Iife-giving cross can do!" "And where's the tsar?" "You shouldn't drink so much." "Where are they?" "Hurry!" "Move it!" "Why are they yelling?" "They cannot yell." "They're all dead." "See how those dead can shoot?" " Open up, dog!" " Whom is he addressing?" " You." " Me?" "!" "Oh, I feel so bad!" "Bespeak again, aren't you a demon?" "I told you already." "I'm not a demon!" "Don't dare lying to me!" "You're lying to a tsar!" "Not by human wish, but by God's will, am I the tsar!" "Very well!" "I see that you're a tsar..." "alas, alas, I'm the tsar Ivan VassiIyevich!" "Send me back, magician!" "I cannot!" "You see, because of this poIe-axe!" "Thank you!" "The transistors have burned, so I cannot send you back until I buy the new ones." " Buy them, then." " The stores are closed for lunch." "Oh, woe is me!" " Take it easy, Ivan VassiIyevich!" " Oh, woe is me!" " do You drink vodka?" " Yes, the anise one!" "Good." "unfortunately, there's no anise vodka." "I say, there's no anise vodka, only StoIichnaya!" "Drink it!" " Taste it from My cup." " Why?" "Go on, taste it..." "You think I want to poison you?" "We don't do that any more, and in our day, you'd sooner get poisoned with canned food, than vodka." "Don't be afraid, drink up!" " Let you be healthy, Boyar!" " Your health!" " Was it your housekeeper Who made it?" " Let's suppose so." "Eat something!" " Who made this machine?" "You?" " Yes." "I had a man like you." "He made wings." " well?" " What do you mean, well?" "I put him on a gun-powder barrel." "It made him fly!" "Ha-ha!" "Why did you do it?" "No, no." "I don't drink." "I don't drink, Ivan VassiIyevich." "Thank you." " Don't you have any respect for me?" " For God's sake, Ivan VassiIyevich!" " Then drink." " Just a little." "Enough!" "Enough!" " well, be healthy!" " Your health!" "So, you live here?" " well, very cramped quarters." " Sure, it's not Iike tsar's chambers." " Yes, that's right." " Anyway, it's an individual flat." "And your woman, is she at church?" "My woman eIoped today with her lover, Yakin, to the Caucasus." "You are kidding?" "!" "Did you send men to catch them?" "When they catch them, first thing have Yakin impaled, and then..." "Why?" "They're in love with each other." "I wish them every happiness." "How kind you are!" "Oh, God!" "What's going on?" "I sit here, while the Swedes are taking Kem there." "Send me back, Boyar." "Go and buy those transistors." "Just a minute." "I'm busy." "call me later." " I'm going with you." " Right onto the street?" "No, Ivan VassiIyevich, wait for me here." "Hurry up, though, Boyar!" "I'm in a hurry myself." "I must rescue those two, as well." "What's going to happen to them?" " They'II be beheaded, that's all." " That's all?" "To hell with them!" "Take the demons alive!" "Wait!" "Eureka!" "The tsar's garb!" "Put them on." "You'II be the tsar!" "No way!" "Put them on, or I'II kill you!" "talk to me, my dear guitar," "My friend of seven strings." "AII my heart is open ajar," "And the night with moonlight sings." "well, once, then another time," "And again many, many, many times." "Yes, once and again, and again many, many times." "blue cornflowers in the field, A long path lies ahead." "My heart is torn between the guilt And the stars unread." "well, once, then another time," "And again many, many, many times." "Yes, once and again, and again many, many times." " well, how do I Iook?" " Not like him!" "You're a fake!" "Let me tie up your teeth at Ieast." "You're a pain in the neck!" " the other tsar looks smarter." " Don't get personal, please!" "Sit down!" "Occupy yourself with matters of state." "Take the stick." " Go ahead, dictate." " Dictate what?" "The tsar, repeat it, of all Russia..." "The tsar, repeat it, of all Russia..." "Don't repeat "repeat it"!" "Quiet!" "So you say:" ""The tsar and Grand Duke..."" "I wrote it, comma." "Where the hell is our secretary?" "What's up, comrades?" "I'm asking you, what's up?" "Who's that parasite who dared to break the door in the tsar's quarters?" "Did they put it here for you to break it?" "Go on, Your Majesty!" ""...is bowing low...", semicolon." "I'm waiting for the answer to my question!" "The tsar!" "The tsar's here!" "He's here!" "The tsar's here!" "Sit!" "Where else can he be?" "The tsar's in his place!" "Have mercy, don't put me to death, our kind sire!" "The demons grabbed you, we chased them all over the palace!" "And, suddenly, the demons vanished!" "They were there, we don't deny it." "But they seIf-destructed." "please, stop this ridiculous panic!" "Who are you?" "I'm Theophanes, a clerk at the foreign office." "AII right, Fedya." "You may stay here." "The rest, please, leave the tsar's office." "In other words, out!" "Bark at them!" "Out!" "Have mercy, Sire!" "Stop your somersauIts!" "You did it once, you did it twice." "It's enough." "What's the matter with you, Sire?" "Have you taken ill?" "Don't sit like a dummy!" "I can't work here all alone!" "I've got a toothache." "He's got periostitis, a gumboiI." " And you stop pestering the tsar!" " Yes, sir." "Fedya, enough of your bowing!" "Are you going to fall like that all night?" " Nice to meet You." " Don't be angry, Boyar... but I don't recognize you." "Are you a prince?" "Me?" "well, I might be." "What so strange about it?" "How do you happen to be in the tsar's quarters?" "You weren't here before." " Oh, Sire, who is he?" " He's a friend of Anton Shpak's." "What a fool!" "The tsar says that I'm Prince MiIosIavsky." "Are you satisfied?" " Oh my!" "Stay away!" " What's the matter?" "What is it?" " You've been executed!" " That's news to me!" "By the tsar's order, you were hanged on your own gate three days ago." "well, thanks!" "I was hanged by your order." "help me out, or we'II screw it." "Why don't you say something, bastard?" "Oh, now I remember!" "It was not I who was hanged." "What was his first name, the one whom they hanged?" " Vanka the Robber." " You see?" "And I'm George." "That bandit was just my namesake." "Am I right?" "Am I right?" "please..." "Why are they shouting there?" "Fedya, go and find out." "Yes, sir." "The tsar!" "The tsar!" "Go!" "Go!" "Score!" "Score!" "The common people wish to see their tsar who was saved." "They're rejoicing." "Oh, no, it's out of the question." "We have no time for that." "We'II rejoice later." "They have to be sent away at once, understand?" "still wouldn't say anything, damn him!" " Fedya, I hope there's no war going?" " Of course, there is, my benefactor." "The Swedes are biting us, the Khan of Crimea plays nasty on Izyum Road." " You don't say!" " Yes." " Why do You Let them?" " Have mercy, Sire!" "Get up, Fyodor." "I don't blame you..." "Sit down." "Write down the tsar's edict." "I order to send an army to Izyum Road and rout the Khan of Crimea." " Period." " Period." "Sign it, our great tsar." "I have no right to sign historic documents." "No, I have no right to sign..." "Acting for the tsar, I. Bunsha." "Here, Fedya." "And tell them not to hurry back." "tell them to capture Kazan on their way back, not to go there twice." "How come?" "Kazan is ours." "We've taken it long ago." " really?" " Sure." "You were too hasty to do it." "AII right, all right, then." "Since it's already taken, Iet it be." "Why give it back?" "well, go!" "And in five minutes I don't want to see either hide or hair of them here!" "Mount your horses!" "Start a song!" "early in the spring, By a fir-tree all green," "Vanyusha's bidding farewell to his love." "clad in a shirt of mail, He's saying to his gal:" ""Don't cry, Marusya, don't cry, my dove."" "Marusya says nothing, only weeps," "Her sorrow" "holds her heart in grips." "Drop, drop, drop!" "Marusya's eyes, so dear," "Drop the tears right onto his spear." "Drop, drop, drop!" "Marusya's eyes, so dear," "Drop a sea of tears," "Drop-drop-drop Right onto his spear." "In winter, cold 'n' severe, Again under the fir-tree," "Vanyusha's being greeted by his love." "clad in a shirt of mail, He's saying to his gal:" ""I've come to you, I'm back, my dove."" "Marusya is so happy, she weeps," "Like a psaltery, HerjoyfuI heartjust sweeps." "Drop, drop, drop!" "Marusya's eyes, so dear," "Drop the tears right onto his spear." "Drop, drop, drop!" "Marusya's eyes, so dear, drop so sweet a tear..." "Drop, drop" "Right onto his spear." "Drop, drop, drop!" "Marusya is so happy, she weeps" "Like a psaltery, HerjoyfuI heartjust sweeps." "well, we got things going!" "Why doesn't the inventor turn his time machine back?" " What a scandal awaits me at home!" " Why?" " I didn't tell UIyuana where I went." " Oh, yes, of course." "We couldn't care less, We couldn't care less," "Though owls and wolves Make us real wuss..." "alexander Sergeyevich!" "I'm sorry to bother you during a family crisis." "Did Ivan VassiIyevich drop by?" "They're looking for him everywhere." "We couldn't care less..." "We firmly believe..." "CLOSED FOR INVENTORY" "CLOSED FOR REDECORATION" "What a scoundrel!" "I shouldn't have confessed to this saintly man!" "Shurik, are you home?" "Shurik!" "Shurik!" "What is that?" "Oh, I've taken the bag of that bastard, Yakin." "FILM STUDIO" "First, this hysterical woman made a scene on the set, and then she mixed up our suitcases." "AII this just an hour before our plane!" "Karp SaveIyevich!" "I can't believe how lucky I am." "Wait for me and I'II be back." "hello?" "Anyuta, you won't believe it!" "I'm flying to Gagry with Yakin." "Zinaida MikhaiIovna, I think you realize that it's all over between us after what you've done at the studio." "Karp SaveIyevich, you're a scoundrel!" "please, return my bag, and here's yours." " I hope that all My things are in it?" " What?" "Oh, you bastard!" "You jerk!" "I Ieft my husband, that saintly man with all the accommodations, a genius, an inventor, for this scoundrel..." "My goodness, such brilliant lines!" "You haven't heard real lines yet!" "And two hours before our leaving," "I find him with some witch, whom he's holding by her hand, and behaving like a two-bitjerk." "We were rehearsing a scene." "This is my professional duty." "Profession de foi." "Enough!" "I'm fed up!" "I'm leaving you for director Budimir Kosoy and his production of "Boris Godunov"." "Kosoy is a fake." "And you're a failure!" "For him, I'm going to play a tsarina." "Kosoy hasn't yet found anyone for the part of Ivan the terrible." "What?" "No Ivan the terrible?" " But I've already rehearsed with him!" " Where?" "Here!" "Right in this room!" "And who's playing Tsar Boris?" "Who?" "What Tsar Boris?" " Boriska?" " What is it?" " Boriska is to become a tsar?" " What?" "Are you really rehearsing?" "That's how he, sly fox, is paying for the good I've done him?" "He wants to be a tsar and take all tsardom in his hand!" "Death, that's what he deserves!" "Oh, my God, what a character!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "please, go on!" "Why did you hurt this Boyar woman, you lowly man?" "It's great!" "It's amazing!" "He's a genius!" "Listen, I can't recognize you in your makeup." "Who are you?" "Sergey Bondarchuk?" "No." "Oh, you're Yuri NikuIin!" "No, no, no." "Oh, my God!" "Innokenty Smoktunovsky!" "Kesha!" "Why didn't you tell me?" " You vagabond, you vile shrimp!" " Are you crazy?" "There, get it, son of a bitch!" "Oh, my God!" "You scoundrel!" "Son of a bitch!" "Damned aduIterer!" "He is a real tsar!" "help!" "Somebody!" "call the police!" "On your knees, you worm!" "I've caught you, Yakin!" "AduIterer and son of a bitch!" "Pray, son of a bitch!" "This is your last prayer!" " Oh, you're rehearsing?" " Yes, we're rehearsing." "What do you mean, rehearsing?" "call the police!" " Where are You going?" " I'm here." "I'm here." "You act very well!" "And the tsar looks very authentic..." "He looks just like Bunsha." "I've been robbed, Zinaida MikhaiIovna." "I'm waiting for the police with dogs." "Who do you belong to?" "Excuse me, comrade actor, but what do you mean, "belong"?" " Whose serf are You?" " Sorry, but I don't understand you." "A very stupid serf!" "Excuse me, but why do you keep calling me a serf?" " Where Did You get that word?" " It's from the part he's playing." "That part is denigrating!" "please, don't apply it to me!" "Oh, God!" "Some apartment house!" "They rob you, they call you names!" "We'II never win the honorary title of a house of cultured communal living." "This is an outrage!" "An outrage!" "well, Iascivious shrimp, beg the Boyar woman if she giveth you life or death!" " Life." " Life." "Life." "Be merciful, O great tsar!" "Life?" "Be it your way." "Listen to me, Karp, but, please, don't get excited." "This is the real Ivan the terrible!" "Do you remember I was telling you about the time machine?" "well, Shurik did succeed with that experiment!" " But he could have killed me!" " And would have done good!" "It's crazy!" "What do you mean, Ivan the terrible?" "He's been long dead!" " Who's dead?" " I didn't mean you." "I mean the other one, the one who's been dead..." " Did You seduce the Boyar woman?" " Yes, I did." "I am he... that liveth..." "What do you mean, you Iiveth, vile dog?" "Look at yourself!" "Liveth!" " help me." "Say something in SIavonic." " Thy!" "Thy... thy cherub." "Your excellency, have mercy!" "You have misunderstood me." "How can I understand you, if you don't say anything?" "I don't know foreign languages, your highness." " do You love this Boyar woman?" " I'm crazy about her!" "Look at her!" "Beauteous to behold, crimson in her lips, crescents in her brows!" " What more do you want, dog?" " Nothing!" "Then marry her, fool!" "The prince is letting her go." "I'm asking for your hand, Zinaida MikhaiIovna!" "hello?" "GaIya?" "You're going to fall down!" "I've got great news!" "Yakin has left his witch, and we're going to Gagry." "well, you sinning beard!" "should I hear that you've done something..." " I swear!" " Don't interrupt the tsar!" " Yes, Sire!" " I'm giving you one of my coats." " Thank him!" "Thank him!" " Thou art..." "I thank thee humbly!" "Sire!" "You can't stay here looking like this!" "people might think I don't know what." "Oh, God almighty!" "I forgot where I am, O Lord!" "I've forgotten everything!" "You must change your clothes, Ivan VassiIyevich!" "Oh, the demons' garb!" "A temptation..." "My mind is all confused." "The coat, the Tsar Ivan the terrible..." "Stop being so fidgety!" "well, it is Ivan the terrible." "So what?" "Big deal!" "You had better go and help the tsar change." "Yes, ma'am." "hello?" "Vava?" "You'II never believe it!" "Oh, my God!" "He looks so much like our Bunsha!" " Pah!" " It looks very good on you." " Dear Tsar, we must go." " Perchance... we shalt..." "We have a plane to catch." "Godspeed!" "May we thank you for everything?" "You're a very spirited man!" "hello?" "Shurochka?" "Can you imagine?" "Yakin fell for me like a silly boy." "He proposed, and we're leaving for our honeymoon." "Many kisses." "Go!" "Oh, how beautiful it is!" "Beauteous!" "Beauteous!" "Cigarette break!" " The Swedish Ambassador!" " What's up, Fedya?" "The Swedish ambassador asks for an audience." "Bring the ambassador in." "Knit your brows!" "Knit your brows!" "Der grosse Konig," "Des Schwedischen Konigreichs sende mich, seinen treuen Diener, zu Ihnen, Czar and Grande Duc" "Ivan VassiIyevich... usarussa." " This foreign tourist speaks well!" " What exactly does he say?" "I'II be damned if I know." "Fedya!" " We need an interpreter." " We had one." "He was German." "He got drunk as a lord when he had to translate." " So We cooked him in boiled water." " It's not the way to treat interpreters." "Schwedete armie erobern hut." "Answer something." "See, the man goes out of his way." "hitler kaput!" "Go on, Mister Ambassador." "We absolutely agree with you." " Kemska district." " Right." "absolutely." "absolutely." "Look, comrade." "Excuse us for a minute." "I would Iike to know what he wants, in general terms." "It's very simple." "They want Kemsk Region." "They went to war, so, they say, give it to us." "What?" "Kemsk Region?" "Ja, Kemska rejion." "Ja, ja..." "Take it if you want it!" "Oh, God!" "I thought it was something important." " But you can't do it, benefactor." " The tsar knows what he's doing." "Our state won't be any poorer for it." "Take it!" "Take it!" "Have mercy, our great tsar, and allow me to speak." "What are you doing, son of a bitch?" "Some impostor squandering our lands!" "We shall never have enough regions for you!" "So whadda I say my king?" "Say your king my warm greetings." "Whadda about Kemsk region?" "Such questions, my dear ambassador, are not decided at the drop of a hat." "We have to consult with comrades." "Come back in a few days." "Yes, by the way, here's a little souvenir for you from me." "Here!" "well, auf Wiedersehen!" "Goodbye!" "Au revoir!" "In short, ciao!" "Everyone can go!" "The guards can go, too." "The guards can go." "Why are you crawling, old chap?" "The ambassador has lost his chest decoration." "He shouldn't be so absent-minded." "One should watch his things when in a room." "Why are you staring at me?" " do You think I took it?" " No, of course not!" "You didn't take it, did you?" "Maybe it has slid under the throne?" "No." "well, then nothing can be done." "What a misfortune!" "I am again tormented by some troubling doubts." "Shpak's tape recorder, the ambassador's medal..." "What are you driving at?" "I'm asking you, you tsar's mug, what are you hinting at?" "The Tartar Prince Yedigey is here to see the tsar." "No." "That's too much." "calling hours are over." "We have a lunch break." "The tsar wishes to refect." " I must be dreaming!" " Just a minute." " Who's going to pay for this banquet?" " In any case, not us." "Fedya, what is in there?" "Hare's kidneys, pike heads with garlic." "black caviar." "Red caviar." "And from overseas..." "eggplant caviar!" "beautiful!" " well, tsar, Iet's drink." " Let's drink." "Beauteous!" "I Iook for him all over the house, and here's he, in someone else's flat." "Why don't you look me in the eye?" "Ivan VassiIyevich, I've been burglarized!" "Everything I've got by working tirelessly, everything is gone!" "Oh, look at you!" "You're blind drunk!" "You don't look like yourself!" "What on earth did you put on yourself?" " Imported tape recorder, suede jacket..." " He's drunk!" "There's nothing left!" "He can't stand on his feet!" "Where are you going?" "Oh, God!" "What's going on?" "Go home now, alcoholic!" "Leave me alone, old woman, I'm being sad." "old woman?" "You jerk!" "I'm five years younger than you!" "Let's go home, now!" "You are a witch!" "help!" "Ivan VassiIyevich, calm down." " Witch!" " To be absolutely honest, yes." " And What do You want?" " Dear Ivan VassiIyevich, that's the list of stolen things." "Two tape recorders, two movie cameras, two cigarette cases." "please!" "Is it the way to hand in a petition to the tsar?" "What do you mean?" "Stop your hooIiganism!" "You and your drunken tricks!" "I'II file a collective complaint against you!" "I see you never stop, Iackey!" "hello?" "Is that a psychiatric ward?" "My husband has got a delirium tremens." "He attacks people with a knife." " Stop!" "Take the knife away!" " The knife!" "Just look at our activist!" "He's an armed bandit!" " LowIy trash!" " You're trash yourself!" "Lackey!" "The police will decide who's a lackey here!" "Is it the police?" " Wait!" "He's not Bunsha!" " What do you mean, not Bunsha?" "He's Ivan the terrible." "The real one." "I'm busy." "call me later." " Oh, my God!" "What's going on?" " I revealed a big secret to you." "I beg you to promise that you won't tell anybody." "Of course!" "You have my word." " Thank You." " Don't mention it." "hello?" "The police?" "That's Shpak speaking, who's been burglarized." "No, it's not about the robbery." "We've got something more weird here." "Engineer Timofeyev has a live tsar in his apartment." "No, I don't drink." "With a dagger, cold steel..." "I'm giving you my word of honor!" "I'II be waiting." "I can imagine how they fight now on Izyum Road." "Fedya, what are you doing there, by the kidneys?" "Come here, don't be shy." "Here!" "Let's drink to friendship!" "Listen, old chap, do they accept jewelry at your pawn shop?" " We can arrange it." " Let's drink." "The tsarina is here, Sire." "She wants to see you." "Fedya, go back to the kidneys!" "It was a bad move." "You don't look like a tsar." "What?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Who are you talking to, Iackey?" "Dear tsarina!" "I'm so glad!" "Nice meeting you!" "My pleasure." "hello, I'm the tsar." "Nice to meet you." "How do you do, I'm the tsar..." "Very pleased, I'm the tsar." "Nice to meet you, I'm the tsar." "Very pleased." "please, come to our table." "This way, please." "please..." "Haven't we met before?" " What are you saying, shit?" " Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "Waiter!" "One order of kidneys for the tsarina." "Excuse me for a minute." " Sorry, your name, please?" " Why, I'm Marfa VassiIyevna." "wonderful!" "Enchanting!" "Marfa VassiIyevna, how enchanting!" "A glass of cardamom vodka?" " Oh, no!" " Why?" "please, don't refuse." "Your health!" "well, everyone keeps saying: tsar, tsar..." "You think, Marfa VassiIyevna, it's easy to be a tsar?" "No, on the contrary!" "Every working man has two days off, and we, the tsars, have no days off." "And our working hours are not fixed." "please, eat, Margarita VassiIyevna." "Everything has been paid for." "You know, a tsar's job is so unhealthy that we should be given free milk." "They wrote it in the health Magazine that the nervous cells are never restored." "You work and work, our great tsar, just like a bee!" "Margo, you alone understand me!" " One more glass to Go with a pike head?" " Oh, no!" "No!" "tell me, please, do you have private rooms here?" " I see you're dead drunk!" " Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Why don't you play, maestro?" "Strike up a song!" "That's not a big black cloud coming..." "A cloud!" "That's not a thunderstorm striking..." "A thunderstorm!" "That's the tsar of Crimea, a vile dog..." "A dog!" "What do you mean, a dog?" "How dare you sing such songs about a tsar?" "You got out of hand here, without me." "What kind of a repertoire is that?" "You ought to sing songs for the masses, something contemporary." "Like... how does it go?" "TraIi-vaIi, tiIi-tiIi." "We're not the tiIi-tiIi, we're not the traIi-vaIi." "cool it, Vanya." "We'II do everything." "Excuse me, what's your name again?" " I'm Marfa VassiIyevna!" " Yes, of course, Marfa." "Oh, Marfusha!" "The night is still young!" "Give us a line, and we'II pick it up." "Wait!" "Quiet!" "AII of a sudden," "Out of the blue," "Love knocked down" "Upon my door." "Is that it?" "Is that you?" "I couldn't hope for anything more." "Snow was falling, dawn after dawn," "Days were rainy and mean." "So many years, why were you gone?" "Where have you ever been?" "Like in a dream, the doorjust creaked," "And suddenly, all made sense." "Fate played tricks." "Fate intrigued." "And here's our meeting, hence." "I froze at sea, traveled by train." "I know it was not in vain." "No, it was not in vain, It was not for nothing." "AII has happened, all came true." "Nobody knows, how." "How could I Iive all this through?" "It's just incredible!" "Wow!" "If you wait and take it in, whatever ever lies in store..." "Then you can get it, what you dreamed for," "And go hope for more." "Everybody dance!" "Like in a dream, the doorjust creaked," "And, suddenly, all made sense." "Fate played tricks." "Fate intrigued." "And here's our meeting, hence." "I froze at sea, traveled by train." "I know it was not in vain." "No, it was not in vain, It was not for nothing." "A mutiny in the army!" "They say that the tsar's not real!" "My dear autocrat, we're done in!" "I demand that the banquet go on!" "Why are we done in?" "Why?" "This way!" "Come on, Prince, hurry up!" "Send me back!" "Everything will be ready in 3 minutes." "Wait a bit, Ivan VassiIyevich." "You'd better change into your tsar's clothes." "Damn!" "Do you smoke?" "You don't?" "Good." "I don't smoke either." "So tell me, who are you?" " I am the tsar." " Nickname?" " Wait. your name?" " We're the Ryuriks." " First, second name?" " Ivan VassiIyevich." "Ivan..." " Date of birth?" " 1533 A.D." " Joking?" " Very funny." " Wait." "Residence?" " My palace." "What palace?" "The address?" " What am I accused of, Boyar?" " You'II meet your boyars in the can!" " Was it you who busted Shpak's place?" " Shpak's?" "I took Kazan, I took Astrakhan," "I took revel, but never Shpak." "There he is!" "You're bagged!" "It serves you right, drunkard!" "What's up, folks?" "Who are you?" "Lieutenant, I'm this alcoholic's wife!" "You're lying!" "How can you be my wife, old woman?" "See?" "He got drunk out of his wits!" "He can't recognize his own wife!" "I had to call the psychiatric ward." "Oh, that's what it's all about!" "That's why all these ravings." "He took Kazan." "He took Astrakhan." "He calls himself Ivan the terrible." "It's delirium tremens." "A typical case." "What's the patient's real name?" " Bunsha, Ivan VassiIyevich." " You're lying, witch!" "I hate him!" "Attention!" "Get ready!" "Take the impostors alive!" "black caviar!" "Red caviar!" "And from overseas, eggplant caviar!" "Comrade Timofeyev!" "alexander Sergeyevich!" "help me!" "Ivan VassiIyevich, hurry up!" "Goodbye!" " are You all right?" " AII right." "You'II never believe it!" "The police will believe it!" "You will answer for your anti-sociaI experiments!" "Sire!" "Just a minute!" "Why do you have police at your door, comrade scientist?" "There was a burglary at your friend Shpak's today." "really?" " We detained One more." " No, not detained!" "Not detained." "I was on my way to make a voluntary confession." "I'm delighted to hand myself in to my dear police." "I set on it all my hopes." " Who are you?" " Bunsha, Ivan VassiIyevich." "So you insist that you're Ivan VassiIyevich Bunsha?" "Your ID, please." " I forgot it at home." " Who can corroborate your statement?" "well, anybody!" "You may ask my wife, UIyana." "She will confirm it." "well, well, well." "What did you want to make a voluntary confession about?" "I confess that against my will, under the compulsion of Prince MiIosIavsky," "I acted temporarily as a tsar." "A tsar?" "You are a tsar, too?" "Yes, a tsar." "Ivan VassiIyevich the terrible." "You're lying, dog!" "I am the tsar!" "hooligan!" "Everything I've got by working tirelessly, everything is gone!" "Three tape recorders, three imported movie cameras, three home-made cigarette cases, a suede jacket..." "Three jackets!" "And they want to be awarded the title of a house of cultured communal living!" "UIyana Andreyevna, tell us again who he is." "I've already told you!" "My husband, Ivan VassiIyevich Bunsha." " They'II cure you, alcoholic." " Fine!" "Then who is this?" " Impostor!" " You're an impostor yourself!" "Got it?" " So, who is he?" "My husband!" "Ivan VassiIyevich Bunsha." "They will cure you, too." " It turns out you've got 2 husbands?" " So it turns out." "And they're both Bunshas?" "Yes, both of them." "You'II be cured." "And you'II be cured." "And I'II be cured, too." "What you told me is grandiose!" "You're such a valuable eyewitness!" "If I were you, I'd put a dissertation in the can." "I ain't in no hurry." "I can end up in the can any time." "Is that it?" "Is that you?" "I couldn't hope for anything more." "UIyana Andreyevna, I was faithful to you." "The tsarina tried to seduce me, but I didn't give in." "I swear!" " MiIosIavsky was almost in our hands!" " George MiIosIavsky?" " Yes!" "Arrest him!" " Right." "Wait!" "hold on!" "Get him!" "Catch MiIosIavsky!" "I was absolutely sure that I had sent you back." "Hurry up, Prince." "Get your machine working." " Where have You been all this time?" "The police bagged me." "Framing me up." "They're after me, Prince!" "Hurry up!" "Hurry!" "Oh, my God!" "Run, Ivan VassiIyevich!" " Hurry, Ivan VassiIyevich!" " Yes, I'm coming!" "Oh, God, forgive me my sins!" "evil spirit!" " farewell, Prince!" " Good luck!" "Don't think ill of me." " It's outrageous!" " You put out electricity again!" " He's taunting us!" " We're going to complain!" "Oh, you're already out of the asylum?" " Stop your hooIiganism!" " What's the matter?" "That's scandalous!" "He's wearing glasses just for nothing!" "You'II be brought to court for that!" "We send them to college, and in return we're going bald!" "What was it?" "Was itjust a dream, or was it real?" "Ivan the terrible..." "MiIosIavsky..." "Oh, I forgot." "Zina has left me." "No, it's all nonsense!" "I was just knocked out!" "And what if it's not nonsense?" "My goodness!" "What is going on here?" "You smoked again!" "And, of course, you didn't eat your lunch." " You haven't left for Gagry?" " What do you mean, Gagry?" "You're going crazy with your machine!" "Oh, how did you get yourself such a bump?" "Zina, tell me the truth." " Where have You been?" " At a rehearsal." "AII right..." "Give me a straight answer." "Are you in love with Yakin?" " What Yakin?" "What is it with You?" " Don't lie to me." "He's your director." "We have no director by that name." " is it true?" " I swear." "Hurray!" "Ciao!" "Thank you for your attention!" "The End"