"Mr Simpson has the floor." "Continue." "For the past 15 years, Pa Kettle's house has been a disgrace to our community... and an unfit place to be lived in." " The backyard looks like the city dump." " Ain't it?" "This being the findings of our committee..." " I therefore move to condemn the Kettle house and to..." " Hold on a minute, Simpson." "There's a family of 15 living in that house..." "Or is it 16?" "I don't see how we can throw them all out." "We should give them another chance." "Tell them to spruce the place up so it looks presentable." "Pa'll never spruce up that place and you know it." "He ain't lifted a hand since he moved in, unless it was to borrow somethin'." "Sit down, Birdie." "I didn't recognize you." "Sit down, Birdie." "He didn't recognize you." "Scat!" "Hey, Pa!" "Pa!" "Where are ya?" " I'm in the bedroom, Ma." " Whatcha doin' in there?" "Thought I'd take a whirl at gettin' dressed." "Somethin' seems to be missing." "I got it." "Ma!" "Where's my long underwear?" "Hangin' on the clothesline." "I just washed 'em." "What'd you wanna go and do that fer?" "I just put 'em on the other day." "You put 'em on last winter." "I'm gonna miss that suit of longies." "Don't blame you, you been together so long." "I got you a new pair the other day." "Billy Reed was by with his wagon." "That's a regular traveling' department store." "Here." "Go put 'em on." " What in the world is this, Ma?" " What's wrong now?" "I don't hold with secondhand underwear." "What do you mean secondhand?" "That there underwear's brand new." "Brand new, nothin'." "They tore right in half." "They ain't tore, Pa." "That's the latest thing." "Now go put 'em on." "Well, all right, but these durn things ain't gonna keep my knees warm." "Ma, afraid these are gonna be a mite too big." "Oh, well, that's funny." "Billy Reed said they'd be just right." "Might be, if he was in here with me." "Oh, well, just pin 'em up for now." "They'll shrink when I wash 'em." "There you go." "Ain't even had 'em on, and you're talkin' about washing' 'em already." " Can't understand you, Ma." " Well, somebody has to keep things neat around here." "Gotta hand it to you, Ma." "You've done wonders with the place." "Sure beats me." "If you ain't washing', you're a-readin'." "Oh, don't get much time for readin' with 14 kids to take care of." "Fifteen, ain't it, Ma?" "Oh, yeah." "I keep forgettin' about Benjamin." "You know, Pa, I heard somethin' new over the radio today." "They call it hygiene." "They say you can raise a better bunch of kids with it." "Let 'em raise their own kids with it." "We done all right without it." "Well, I don't know, Pa." "Course, Tom turned out real good." "Say, he ought to be comin' home in a day or two, oughtn't he?" "Guess so." "He's all done graduating' from college." "Just think of it." "A Kettle goin' to college." "And graduating'!" " A lot you had to do with it." " I give my permission, didn't I?" "Yeah, permission for him to work like a dog to pay for his tuition." "There's a boy you can really call a self-made man." "Yes, indeed." "Like father, like son." "Carved this out of a wilderness." "Guess I'll turn the radio on." "Too loud." " What about the roof on the henhouse, Pa?" " What about it, Ma?" " You said you was gonna fix it one of these days." " When did I say that?" " Last March." " Well, then I will." " Will what?" " Fix it one of these days." " What about the well you was gonna dig in the backyard?" " I'll do that another day." "Can't do everything in one day, Ma." "Don't mess up my floor, Pa, with that tobacco." "Sorry." "It's this old pouch." "Ought to be gettin' my new one any day now." "Sent away for it weeks ago." "Where you gettin' the money to send away for a tobacco pouch?" "Oh, it don't cost no money." "Just had to fill in the coupon with my name and address... and write a few words about King Henry tobacco." "Ad said that everybody that answered would get a free pouch." "Oh." "I still think you ought to fix the roof on the henhouse." "How'd you like to sit in the broiling' sun all day and have to lay eggs besides?" "I don't think I could do it." "Well, don't worry about the roof, Ma." "I'll get around to it soon as I can borrow a few pounds of nails and a saw." "Guess I returned 'em too soon." "I could take a look at the spot where I'm gonna dig the well." "You been lookin' at it for a year and a half." "It's time you did somethin'." "You're a beaver, Ma." "Might take some dynamite out there." "Oh." "Nobody can say I married him for his money." "Ma!" "Ma!" "Ma!" "Ma!" "Mayor Dwiggins and the whole town council and Birdie Hicks and her ma..." " They're havin' a meetin' right now." " Wait a minute, Billy." " I'm Danny." " Uh, Danny." " What's this meetin' all about, son?" " It's about us." "This place." " They're meetin' to see about condemning' it." " Condemnin' it?" "Yeah." "I just ran into Mayor Dwiggins' boy, Fred, and he told me." "It wasn't his pa's fault." "Birdie Hicks said this place was a menace to public health." "His pa had to hold the meetin'." "Birdie Hicks has been sore ever since I beat her at the quilt contest at the County Fair." " Where'll we go?" "Where'll we live?" " Oh, calm down, Benjamin." " Votin' to condemn is one thing." "Carryin' out the order is another." " What can we do?" "I ain't sure yet, but if they do try to put us off this property, we'll be ready for 'em." " Danny, go get the rest of the kids." " Okay, Ma." "In view of what Mr Rogers has just said..." " I would consi..." " It's Alvin over at the telegraph office." "He says he has to talk to you right away." "It's very important." "Hello, Alvin." "What's on your mind?" "What's that?" "You got a message that said what?" "Calm down." "I can't understand you." "No." "Are you sure it's the right Kettle?" "Listen, Alvin, send that telegram over here." "I want to deliver it myself." "I know it's against the rules, but this is a civic event." "Why, this'll put the Cape on the map." " I move we adjourn." " What about condemning the Kettle place?" "We won't have to condemn it, Billings." "The Kettle family won't live there another week." " What do you mean?" " Alvin just told me... the King Henry Tobacco Company sent him a wire." "He won a brand new house in their slogan contest." "How in the world did he win a contest?" "As soon as we get the telegram, we're going up to Pa Kettle's." "He's bought us a million dollars worth of publicity." "The least we can do is pay our respects." "That's the most exciting thing that's happened on the Cape since the Bijou put in talkies." "He must be home." "His carriage is here." "Blow the horn, Sam." "Come on." "Let's have a look around." "Ouch!" "Hey, what's the idea?" "That must be Henry." "He hasn't missed you in a month." "Ow!" " Ouch!" " Ow!" "Say, wait a minute, kids." "All I wanna do is talk to your pa." "Hey!" "Hey, Pa Kettle!" "Are ya home?" "Yes, we're home, and we intend to stay here." "Oh, no, you don't..." "You don't understand, Ma." "I got a telegram for Pa." "A telegram, huh?" "Why didn't Alvin bring it over?" "And what are those others here for?" "To gloat?" "This is our property, Mayor, and ya ain't gonna trick us off it." "We're not tryin' to trick ya." "Will you let us come in under a flag of truce?" "Might as well get it over with." "Hold your fire, kids." "Hey, Pa!" "Pa!" "Come here a minute." "The Mayor's got somethin' to say to us." "Come up here on the porch, Mayor." " Howdy." " Ahem." "As mayor of this fair community..." "I deem it an honour and a privilege... to present to you this telegram." "Don't hold with reading' telegrams." "Might be bad news." "Read it to him, Sam." ""Dear Mr Kettle:" ""Your entry in the King Henry Tobacco Slogan Contest has won the grand prize:" ""A prefabricated model house of the future, completely furnished." "Congratulations." "Signed, Victor Tomkins, President, King Henry Tobacco Company. "" "Congratulations, Pa." " That all it says in the telegram?" " Why, yes." " Don't it say nothin' about my new tobacco pouch?" " Tobacco pouch?" "Never figured on winning a house." "The ad said everybody that wrote in would get a new tobacco pouch." "Well, if this ain't the age of miracles." "I never thought I'd live to see the day Pa'd get somethin' he didn't have to return." "What kind of a slogan did ya write, Pa?" "Can't rightly remember." "Wrote it on the back of something." "Gonna blast a well in the back." " I got it." " Read it." "All right." ""For smoking' or chewing', King Henry's most fitting'." "It smells awful good, and it's dandy for spitting'."" "Wonderful, Pa." "Isn't that a great slogan, folks?" "Great slogan." "Hmph." "I didn't even know Pa could write." "Me either." "Hmph." "I didn't even know Pa could write." " Congratulations again, Pa." " Let me see that telegram." "Well, it's true, all right." "Pa's won himself a contest." "You sure it don't say nothin' about a tobacco pouch?" "Listen to him worrying' about a new tobacco pouch when we've got a brand new house." "Don't need a new house." "Him lit." "Do need a new tobacco pouch." " Ticket to Cape Flattery, please." " Did you say Cape Flattery?" "Yes." "Why, you know someone there?" "No." "No, I don't, but look there." "Mr and Mrs Kettle." "Know any folks named Kettle there?" " Kettle?" "Yes." " You do, huh?" "Says there they lived in abject poverty all their life..." " 'til they won this new home." " There was nothing abject about it." "The Kettles were a poor family, but they got by." "If you ask me, they got by just fine." "You seem to know these Kettles pretty well." " I ought to." "I'm their son." " Oh." "This way, please." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Do you mind if this young lady shares your table?" "Not at all." "Sit right down, my dear." " Thank you." "And thank you, steward." " You're welcome." " Oh." "Better sit over there, dear." " Were you expecting someone else?" "No, we weren't expecting anyone else." "But it's been a long time since anyone as young and pretty as you sat on Albert's lap." "Albert?" "My husband." "I bet you'd like that, you rascal." "Well, I'm afraid I... left something back in my compartment." " I'd better go and get it." " Oh, please don't go." "Albert isn't very talkative... and suppers are much more fun when you have someone to pass the time of day with." "Well, I guess I can pick it up later." "You know, usually me and Albert sit on the same side of the table... but he just can't ride forward on a train." " Oh." "Well, why didn't you sit over here?" " I can't ride backwards." " I won't need that." "We just want two teas." " Yes, ma'am." " I'll have a chicken sandwich." " One chicken sandwich." " And, uh, a glass of milk, please." " Glass of milk." "And it's one tea, right?" "No, two teas." "One for me, and one for Albert." "Albert?" "He never drinks anything but tea on the train." "Oh." "Lemon or cream?" " Just plain." " Just plain." "Yes'm." " I beg your pardon." " Oh." "Do you mind?" "Oh, I don't mind." "It was this lady's table." "Maybe you should ask..." " Emily!" " Tom!" "I haven't seen you for an awfully long time." "I've been away to college." "Well, what are you doing on the train, Emily?" " Me and Albert just decided to take a little trip." " Albert?" "Oh, yes, your husband." "Well, hello, Albert." "How've you been?" "We got pretty far this trip." "Almost two stations before Mr Green got on the train to take us back." "He always spoils our fun, doesn't he?" "Uh, Mr Green is a man who runs a home where Emily and her "husband" live." "They like to take trips now and then." " Oh, well, I understand." " Well, speak of the devil." "You've been a very naughty girl, Emily." " Tom." "How are you, my boy?" " I'm fine, Mr Green." "She led us a merry chase this time." "Emily, you've got to go back to your room..." " where I can keep my eye on you." " I guess there's no use arguing with you." "Come, Albert." "It's been pleasant visiting with you." "Have a nice trip, my dear." "Well, thank you, E-Emily." "And, uh, 'bye, Albert." " Goodbye, Tom." " Goodbye, Emily." " We'll be dropping in on you and the folks real soon." " They probably will too." " Your friend Emily's quite a character." " Yes, she sure is." "But she treats Albert better than most of us treat each other while we're still here." "Well, she did seem pretty happy." "You know, I bet I could get an interesting article out of a woman like that." " Oh, are you a writer?" " Yes." "Magazine articles mostly." "I've recently done quite a few on the importance of hygiene in the home." "Well, that sounds like a nice, clean-cut type of work." "Well, of course it isn't always as cheerful as you make it sound." "I've probably spent more time among poor people than a social worker." "What's wrong with being around poor people?" "Just because you come from a poor family..." " What makes you think I come from a poor family?" " I didn't mean you." "I meant just anyone." "I'm sorry you're so sensitive about it." "I've got nothing to be sensitive about." "Why, my parents are..." "are extremely wealthy." "I was raised in the lap of luxury." "You sound like you were quite a spoilt child." "It was almost impossible to avoid, being an only child." "Oh." "No brothers and sisters?" "No one." "Just Fraulein and me." " Fraulein?" " My governess." "How tiny I must have looked in that large house." "But I've overcome it, I think." "My background, I mean." "I just want to be known as a down-to-earth sort of person." "I don't want people to know me for what I've got but for what I am." "Just what are you?" "Hmm?" "Oh, I'm an animal husbandman." "Graduate of Washington State, you know." "Uh, this blueprint that I have here... it's a plan for a chicken incubator that I'm going to build." "Ooh." "That looks like quite a lot of hard work... for someone who's always been as filthy rich as you." "Why do you have to put it that way, "filthy rich"?" "Why don't you make up your mind what you're mad at, rich people or poor people." "I'm not mad at anybody." "I think you make too much of the whole thing." "What's so important about the state of your pocketbook?" "People are people, rich or poor." " Well, who says they're not?" " Trouble with you is you just don't like people." "Oh!" "I don't like people?" "I love people." "I think they're wonderful." "At least I always have up to now." "Now, look..." "Hold still, can't ye?" " Now listen, Nancy..." " I'm Susie, Ma." " Well, whichever one you are, stop wiggling'." "Tom!" "You're back!" "Why, sure, Ma." "I came right home, as soon as I read about the big doings." " You didn't think I'd stay away forever, did ya?" " Let me look at ye." "My, but we're proud of ye." "You ain't been workin' too hard, have ye?" " Oh, no." " Oh, bless your heart." " Tom!" " Hello, Pa." " Howdy." " How's it feel to be a big celebrity?" "You're back just in time for the ceremonies." "They're presenting' us with the new house today." "Hey, kids!" "Hey, you kids leave Tom's bags alone." "Now git out of here." "Don't wander away, any of you, and wash yourselves up." "Yes, Ma." "I'll pour you a cup of coffee, son." "It sure feels good to be home." " Wait'll you see our new home, Tom." " We seen pictures of it." " It's a lulu." " I'll bet it is." "How've you two been anyway?" "How's your back, Pa?" "Oh, uh, 'bout the same, I guess." "I haven't been able to do any heavy work since that lumbago set in." "You didn't do any heavy work for six years before it set in." "Now go wash yourself up, Pa." " We're just about ready to take off, Tom." " I'd better freshen up too." " You still keep the towels in the same place?" " Yep." " I forgot." " Don't worry." "Might as well be one place as another." "What you waitin' for?" "Go on and get cleaned up." "Go on!" "Are you all ready to televise?" "Don't forget to get the King Henry sign in." "And now, Mr Kettle, on behalf of the King Henry Tobacco Company... may I present you with the key to your dream house." "Thanks." "You haven't got a key chain, have you, Mr Tomkins?" "Well, uh, here, take mine." "Oh, yes, I almost forgot..." "our little extra surprise." "A genuine oilskin tobacco pouch, filled with that good King Henry tobacco." "Now that's mighty nice of you folks." "For a while, I was afraid you wasn't going to come through." "Got a pipe cleaner?" "We'll mail you one." "A month from now, those Kettles will have this place..." " looking like the hog wallow they came from." " You know something, Birdie?" "A month from now, those Kettles will have this place..." " looking like the hog wallow they came from." " That's right." "Excuse me, Mr Kettle." "We're ready to telecast you." "We find that a dab of make-up makes our subjects look much better on the screen." "I'm Pa Kettle." "That's Ma Kettle right over there." "They're ready to telecast us now, Ma." "Good!" "What does that mean?" " Well, you're gonna be on television." " What about the kids?" " Do you want them in it too?" " No, we'll pick them up separately." "Pa, you come over here." "Tom, get on the other side of your pa." "You children line up back there." "Hurry up now." "Get out." "Well, we're all ready." " Tell 'em on the truck we're all set, Jimmy." " Okay, Nick." "All set, truck." "All set." "Okay, stand by." "Ladies and gentlemen of the television audience... we're happy to bring you an informal, on-the-spot interview... with the winners of the King Henry Tobacco Company slogan contest." "Ma and Pa, how does it feel to be the owners of a big, beautiful model home?" " Well, uh..." " Can't rightly say." "Haven't been in it yet." "I think it'll work out all right." "We never did have much room in the old place to spread out." "Ma, blow my nose." "Don't bother your ma now." "She's being telecast." "This is a family that can do with a bit of spreading out." "Fifteen children altogether, who we'll now see." "There's a strong family resemblance between Ma Kettle and most of the children." "That can be seen at a glance." "Some of them look like their father, who is obviously of rugged pioneer stock." "This is truly a typical, robust American family." "The parents of such a family must, indeed, be a hearty and industrious pair." "And now, folks, the moment I'm sure you've all been waiting for:" " Your first glimpse at the inside of the house." " Just a minute, Mr Tomkins." "Folks, I want to thank y'all for givin' us this send-off... and I want you to know that you're all invited... to the housewarmin' next Thursday night." "And... you, too, Birdie." "Well, let's go in." "Uh, just a moment." "Isn't there some ceremony you and Mr Kettle would like to perform..." " before you enter the house?" " Ceremony?" "Oh, like when we was first married?" "Yeah, I think that'd be real nice." "Come here, Pa." "Just like a second honeymoon." " Mm-hmm." "And I got my new tobacco pouch too." " Uh-huh." "All the lights, as well as many other features in the house... are worked by electronics." "The slightest pressure on this switch, and the lights go on... and off again." "Simple." "Eh-eh-eh." "Come with me." "Try that." "A little better than the old-fashioned silent butler, eh, Mr Kettle?" "Sure is." "Ahem." "This series of push-buttons... controls the remaining electronic features in the room." "Push-button #1:" "Radio." "Push-button #2:" "Record player." "Push-button #3:" "Television." "And as part of our television coverage... on the aviation industry, take a look at this wonderful plane." "From a swift and easy take-off, it rises like a giant bird... and cruises to a place on a peak in modern aviation." "Well, I've got to be running along now." "My train leaves in half an hour." "Uh, thanks for showin'us around, Mr Tomkins." "I'm sure you'll be much more thrilled... discovering for yourselves the other wonders of this home of the future." "And I might add, it couldn't happen to a nicer horde of people." "Well, good luck to you." "Thanks again." " Nice fella." " He's a dandy." " Hey, look, an electric eye door." " Oh, boy!" " Gee." " Boy, is this gonna be fun." "Uh, Tom bring our bags in yet, Ma?" "No, he's out lookin' at the barn." "Better get him." "Gotta start unpacking'." " That's right." " Ma Kettle, where are you?" "Here." "Here in the parlour." "Come out here a minute." "I want you to meet someone." "Thanks very much." "Well, what in the world..." " Come on in, folks." " Oh, thank you, Mrs Kettle." "Everybody around here calls me Ma." " Well, what do you think of your new home, Ma?" " Well... the way I've got it figured, if this is a dream, it's a darn good one." "If it ain't, it might take a little gettin' used to." "Miss Parker wants to do an article on you and the children, Ma." "It's a series of articles on your reaction to this house." "That is, if you and your family don't object." "Why, I don't see anything to object to." "If Miss Parker can stand the kids, I guess the kids can stand Miss Parker." "Come on in the back." "I want you to meet Pa and the kids." "Careful with that bag, Henry." "Durn flies." "Watch that lamp, Benjamin." "And you, Rosie." "Mind your step takin' down them pictures." "Natural-born supervisor." "He can tell other people how to work in his sleep." "Yes, I see." "He's doing it now, isn't he?" " Pa's the most important man in town these days." " Hmm." "Uh, these are the children." "Hey, kids." "Hey, kids!" "This is Miss Parker." "She's gonna write a story about us." "Uh, uh, that one's, uh, Henry... and that's Benjamin..." " I'm Willie." " Oh, yeah." "And, uh..." "Uh, that there's, uh..." "Don't just stand there." "Tell her your names." " Ted." " Sarah." " Benjamin." " Billy. - George." " Danny." " Eve. - Nancy." " Henry." "Nancy." "No..." "Susie." " Ruthie." " Sally." "Rosie." "Hey, Tom!" "This is Miss Parker." "Miss Parker... that's our oldest boy, Tom." "Well, hello, Tom." "How's the, uh, only child today?" "Uh, now, uh, now look, Miss Parker..." "I think it's time you should know... there's something your parents have been keeping from you." " Please, I..." " Which one is Fraulein?" " Now listen..." " You two act like you know each other." "We do." "We met on the train coming down here." " Miss Parker's gonna write a series of articles about us for a big magazine." " What?" "I'm sorry, Miss Parker, but I don't think we want to be written about." "A series of articles in a national magazine will do our town a lot of good." "I think we've had enough publicity already." "I don't want anyone making fun of my family." "I don't intend to make fun of anyone." " You may not intend to, but that's what'll happen." " That's not true." "I'll let you read the articles before I send them out." " And if I don't like them?" " Well, I'll..." " I won't send them out." "Is that fair enough?" " Sounds fair to me." " How about you, Ma?" " I think it's all right for her to write about us." "It'll let folks see that good things can come about in the most unexpected ways." "That is, if they keep hustlin'." " Guess I'll turn the radio on, Ma." " Sure, go ahead, Pa." " Funny, it always worked in the other house." " Try again, Pa." "Ahh." "That's better." "Now I can make myself comfortable for a change." " Oh, I never saw anybody as careless as you, Pa Kettle." " Now, Ma." "I've put up with your sloppy ways for 30 years... just so there'd be a little peace around the house." "But now the good Lord has provided a way so we can keep things in order." " I'll be darned if I'm gonna weaken." " Now, Ma..." "Don't you go "Now, Ma-ing" me." "I'm puttin' my foot down." "You're gonna learn to be neat even if it kills ya." "So if you got any hollerin' to do, do it now." "Wouldn't do me no good with that radio on." "Oh, that's easily fixed." "Push that button." " Where'd that come from?" " Turn it off, Pa!" "It'll wake up all the kids." "Ladies and gentlemen of the television audience... we're happy to bring you an on-the-spot informal interview... with the winners of the King Henry Tobacco Company slogan contest." "Look, Pa." "Those are the pictures they took today." "How does it feel to be the owners of a big, beautiful model home?" "Well, maybe Ma Kettle has some thoughts on the subject." "Get out, you two!" "Scat!" "Fifteen children altogether, whom we'll televise for you in just a moment." " We're gonna see the kids, Pa." " Shh!" "Can't hear the machine." " Talkin' 'bout you now." " There's a strong family resemblance... between Ma Kettle and most of the children." "You sure take a nice picture, Ma." "Of course, some of them do look like their father, who is obviously of pioneer stock." "You take a nice picture too, Pa." "This is a fine example of a typical, robust American family." "The parents of such a family must, indeed, be a hearty and industrious pair." " Hey, Pa, when did we count those kids last?" " Don't understand this, Ma." "Shut that thing off before our family gets any bigger!" "Where's that master switchboard?" "Not..." "Not there, Ma." "Over here." "There!" "See how easy it is, Pa?" "Pa!" "Pa!" "Where'd you go?" "How'd you get out here?" "I don't know." "Something happened." "You must have pushed the wrong button." " What button?" " One of these right here." "Here we go again." "Ma, do me a favour." " What's that?" " Let me off when we get to the old place." "Say, that's quite a ride." "Want to go again, Pa?" " Maybe we can catch the brass ring the next time." " Not me." "I'm going to bed." "I've had enough excitement for one day." "It has been quite a day." "Want a glass of hot milk before you turn in?" "It'll kind of calm you down." "Not me." "Not if you have to press a button to get it." "Ma!" "Oh, Ma!" "What's the matter, Pa?" "Aren't you going to get undressed and go to bed?" "You're gonna have to start pickin' up after yourself, Pa." "Pa!" "Pa!" "Where are ye?" "Pa, can you breathe?" "Speak to me, Pa." "Come out of there, Pa!" " Put those eggs in the cooler, Tom." " I got three dozen." " Will that be enough for the party tonight?" " Should be." "I only invited the town over to see the house, not to eat us out of it." "Hey, Tom, give me a hand." "This is heavy." " A pig, huh?" "You gonna barbecue it?" " Oh, that's old-fashioned." "That little piggy's gonna get his by the new infra-ray cooking stove." "Shove it in." " You sure you know how to work this thing?" " That booklet says it's simple." " Come and get it!" " They can't hear you, Ma." "The house is soundproof." "Last one in's a rotten egg." "They don't need to hear." "They can smell it." "Ma, ain't ya gonna sit down?" "Thanks a lot for what's been put before us." "Ah-ah-ah-ah." "Guess I ought to thank You for this brand new house and all as well... but if You don't mind, I'll wait until we've lived in it awhile longer." "Amen." "Let's eat!" "What's ailin' you, Pa?" "This cereal..." "How'd you cook it?" " In that new pressure cooker." " Ain't as good as the old way." "This is the funniest-tastin' oatmeal I ever ate." "I can understand that, Pa." "That oatmeal you're eating happens to be grits." "Grits?" "Why, I love grits." "What's that smell?" "Probably the pig I'm roasting for the party." "I'm cookin' it with infra-ray." "That reminds me." "I must look in the book to see how long to keep it in there." "Let's see, beef, roast beef, lamb, pork..." "Oh, here it is." "Sucklin' pig, two to three..." "Two to three minutes?" "It's been in there longer than that." "I'd better look to see." "# All jump up and you never come down #" "# You swing that pretty girl round and round #" "# Allemande left with the old left hand #" "# Back to your partner with a right-left grand" "# Here we go with the old mess wagon, hind wheel broke and the axle draggin'" "# Meet your partner, promenade eight round the old track and you'll come straight" "# First and third, balance and swing and lead right out to the right of the ring" "# And two gents swing with an elbow swing" "# The opposite gals with a pigeon wing" "# Same two gents with the same old thing, back to your partners with a pigeon wing" "# Buckle up two and buckle up four, round and around in the centre of the floor" "# Round and around and around you go" " # And when you get straight it's a do-si-do" " What was that?" "# Grab your partner, home you go and all eight swing" "Come on, folks." "Grab yourselves a plate, and I'll dish out some of this cake." " Where'd you put the ice cream?" " Icebox." "Well, get it." "Cake ain't any good without ice cream." "Go get it." "You want a piece of this chocolate cake?" "# Don't you know Chicken in the bread pan picking'out dough" "# Grab your partner, home you go and all eight swing" "# Promenade single file Ladies in the lead and Indian style" " Now where you goin'?" " I just figured out a way of ducking' that gorilla." "Oh, no, you don't." "# Ladies in the lead and Indian style" "# Swing that gal behind you" "# Third balance and swing and lead right out to the right of the ring" "# Now two can swing with an elbow swing the opposite gal with a pigeon wing" "# Same two gents do the same old thing, grab your partner with a pigeon wing" "# Buckle up two and a-buckle up four, round and around in the centre of the floor" "# Round and around and around we go and when you get straight it's a do-si-do" " # Grab your partner..." " Get me the hatchet." "# And all eight swing" "# Now buckle up two and a-buckle up four, round and around in the centre of the floor" "# Round and around and around we go..." "Fill that pitcher with water." "Hi, Pa." "This is the clothes dryer." "You put the clothes in here, turn on the heat control... and in a few minutes, they're all dry." "Now over here is the thermostat for heating the entire house." "It balances the heat in the house so that it always has an even temperature... regardless of how cold it is outside." "Now, of course, the temperature control works both ways." "During the hot summer months, when the temperature rises above... well, let's say 72, for instance... then the automatic cooling system comes on... and so winter or summer, you always have a uniform temperature." "Well, let's go back to the patio." "Help!" "Get me out of this place!" "Help!" "Get me out of here!" "Used to be Tom's." "Guess it'll fit Henry now." " Shall we dance?" " Well, I..." "I can't." "My heel." " I'll fix it for you." " Oh, thank you." " Come on down to the workshop." " Okay." "Oh, this place is wonderful, Tom." " Well, it keeps me out of pool halls." " Ha!" " What's this?" " You remember the blueprints you saw on the train?" " Yes." " Well, that's it." "It's a model incubator for hatching eggs." " I thought the hens did that." " Ah, not the modern ones." "85% of all chickens are hatched artificially nowadays." " How does it feel?" " Oh, just fine." " How does this work?" " I've just started it." " I'm not sure it'll work at all." " You mean this is your invention?" "No, someone else invented the incubator." "I'm trying to improve it... cut down the cost so that any poultry man can afford it." "That's wonderful." "Where do you put the eggs?" "Uh, in, uh, in trays like this." " It takes three weeks for the eggs to hatch." " What happens after that?" "Then we put 'em in special brooding coops." "If we keep them clean and well-fed, they grow up to be wonderful egg producers." "You mean you give them a better environment... and they become healthier, stronger and more profitable?" "Are you talking about chickens or children?" "Well, don't you think there's a resemblance?" "Mmm, well." "Now this regulates the heat." "You work it with these." "Don't the hens object to all these devices that take their work away?" "Uh, not the ones that believe in progress." "I mean, uh, incubators save the lives of millions of chickens every year." "And that's, uh, progress, isn't it?" " Yes." " L-In addition to which, uh..." "I think we'd better go back upstairs." "They'll probably be looking for us." " You know, I wonder." " What?" "I wonder whether you really believe in progress." "Wh..." "Well, where you been?" "Where's the pitcher of water?" "Land sakes, Pa, where'd you get that suit?" "This is the one I borrowed from your father when you and I were married, Ma." "Attention, please." "I don't like to break up the party this way... but since nearly everyone in town is here tonight... this is as good a time as any to elect a chairman for our county fair next month." "It'll probably be Birdie Hicks." "She's been chairman for the last ten years." "Before we go nominating, I think we all ought to remember what Pa Kettle did for this town." "His winning the house put us on the map." "Keeping this in mind, I think it only fitting and proper... that we pay tribute to Pa by unanimously electing him chairman of the county fair." " I nominate Pa Kettle." " I second it!" " All in favour, say aye." " Aye!" "Sounds unanimous to me." "Come over here, Pa, and say a few words." "Go on, Pa." "Go on." "Go on." "Don't know." "Ain't much for running a fair." " Come on, Mother." "I've stood all I can stand." " Oh, Birdie." " We'll form a committee." "You just preside over it." " Take much work?" " It's an honorary position, no work at all." " I accept!" "You know, you're always ruinin' what little fun I have." "My condition never bothers me when I'm dancing." "Just because a man writes a slogan ain't no sign he can run a fair." "Why, Pa couldn't run water downhill." "What's that?" "The man who sells you everything you need:" "The one and only Billy Reed!" "Ah, how charming we look tonight." "Ma's giving a party, and Birdie won't let me stay." "Stay, the lady says." "I was just about to join the party." "But if you're leaving and insist, I'll give you a little gift instead." "A hand-painted calendar to advertise that buying from Billy Reed..." " is always wise." " Oh, thank you, Billy." "Don't mention it." "Just remember that I'll see you again... sell you my wares and take your pay." "Aren't they pretty, dear?" "Well, I'll be a turkey gobbler... if that ain't almost the same exact slogan Pa got this house with." " Does that mean that Pa didn't come by it honest?" " It sure does, Ma." "And if I have anything to say about it, Pa ain't gonna get to keep this house." "Come on." "We got a lot of telegraphing' to do." "Oh, stop tromping' around." "Hustle upstairs and shave." " Shave?" "What fer?" " To get the hair off your face, for one thing." "Tom's bringin' Miss Parker home for supper before he leaves for Seattle tonight." "You wanna make a good impression on her, don't ya?" "Why?" "I ain't courtin' her." "Didn't complain about my face when you married me." "Oh, it was a lot different then." "Never had to do all this sprucin' up in the old house." " We ain't livin' in the old house no more." " Durned if I don't wish we was." " I didn't know you was in here." " Yes, I'm in here." "You got four others." "Use one of them." "Durn kid." "He made me lose my place." "More light." "That's what we need." "That's the trouble." " Hi." " Oh!" "Hello, Tom." " How are you this beautiful day?" " Well, I'm fine." " The articles coming along all right?" " I don't know yet." "I'll have a draft of the first one in a few days." " I won't be around in a few days." " Where you going?" "Seattle." "I got this letter from the Farmers' Bank there." "They want me to bring the incubator..." " see whether it's worth financing." " Oh, isn't that wonderful." "First a new house and now, lots of money." "Uh, don't count those incubators until they hatch." "Tom, I have confidence in you." "This heel hasn't wiggled yet." "Your brothers and sisters seem to be reacting wonderfully to the house." "Well, most of it's still standing, if that's what you mean." "This environment's gonna make a lot of difference to those kids." "It's just like the chickens who have the good sense... to hatch themselves in your model incubator." " They're bound to turn out model chickens." " You don't say." "Would you like to see the incubator?" "I just finished painting it." "Oh, I'd love to." "M" " Ma!" "M-M-M-Ma!" "Ma!" "Ma!" "Ma!" "Where are you?" "Ma!" "Why, Pa!" "What happened to ya?" "Your face is redder than a fire engine." "This rich livin' must've gotten me." "I'm turnin' into a lobster." " Oh, Pa." " I feel like I was struck by lightning." "I'm burning up all over." " Hello, everybody." " Hello, Ma." "What's the matter with Pa?" "Why, it looks like it might be scarlet fever." "Have you called Doc Gruber?" "I'll get him right away." "And, Ma, keep the kids out of the room." "This'll probably mean quarantine." "Scarlet fever?" "Whew!" "What are his chances, Doctor?" " Don't try to spare me." " Pa has a bad case of sunburn." " A real Fourth-of-July scorcher." " I'll be right back." "Rub his face with oil now and then and keep him cool." "Pa left the sunlamps on in the bathroom while he was shaving." "That's how his face got so sunburned." "Good thing he wasn't taking' a bath." "I'll drop around tomorrow and look in on him again." "It kind of bothers me to tell Pa it's sunburn instead of scarlet fever." " Why?" " It's been one thing after another in this house for Pa." "Nothin' but trouble from these modern gadgets." "If I tell him it's sunburn from that lamp..." " he'll want to sell this place." " Don't tell him." "Pretend he has scarlet fever..." " 'til he cools down." " Wait a minute, Kim." "Don't you think that's a little unfair?" "This house means a great deal to Ma and the kids... and I don't see why she shouldn't use a little strategy to keep it." " It's up to you, Ma." " I'll do it." "Anything I can get you, Pa?" "H" " How 'bout a little drink of corn whiskey, Ma?" "Corn whiskey?" "With scarlet fever?" "I should say not." " But, Ma, all I want is a little nip." " Nothin' doin'." "And just to be safe, I'm gonna take this jug out with me." " You don't like the article." " I didn't say that." "Oh, then you like it." "Mmm, it's intelligent, straightforward, and, in some ways, flatters us." "Uh..." "Only one thing, though." "Calling me "young Tom Edison. "" "Don't you think that's going a little overboard?" "I just said you have the character of a young Tom Edison... a man who has the courage to overcome his environment." "But if you don't like it, I'll take it out." "Mmm, let's not go overboard." "Oh, don't see any of that salad nibbled yet." "What are you two lookin' so pleased about?" "Oh, now ain't that a foolish question." "Whoa, whoa." " It was awful nice of you to come down and see me off." " Oh, well, not at all." "I think that back wheel is really square." "It, uh, must be contagious." " I feel a little square myself." " Oh, why?" "Because the only thing I could think of to tell you before the train comes... is that you're much nicer than I ever thought you'd be." "Oh." "Well, I have a small bulletin for you, too, Tom." "I don't think that's a bit square." "In fact, as they say in the younger set, I think you're real gone." "Well, I'm about to be." " Do you have your tickets?" " Yep." "Don't worry about your family, Tom." "I'll be here to look after them." "Thanks." "And when you head back, just give her the reins." " She knows the way by heart." " Oh, yes." "Well, I-I think I can manage." "Good luck, Tom." " Oh!" " Here." "Give it to me." "Oh, but you won't have time." "There." "Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk." "Hold still or I'll get this goose grease all over your nightshirt." "How come this scarlet fever only showed up on my face?" "'Cause we caught it just in time, I guess." "Oh, I'll get it." "There he is." "Mr Kettle, I'm very sorry to inform you... that your entry in the King Henry Tobacco slogan contest..." " has been disqualified." " Disqualified?" "The contest rules stipulated that all slogans entered must be original." " Obviously, Mr Kettle's was not original." " Let me see that calendar." "You mean we have to give this house back?" "You didn't win it, and you're not entitled to it." "Tell the truth, Pa." "Did you copy that slogan from this calendar?" "Can't rightly say." "Ideas just flit around my mind sometimes." "Can't say where they come from." "Hmph." "Listen to him." "He ain't got nerve enough to own up to it... and he ain't got brains enough to lie about it." "You stop pickin' on Pa, Birdie." "He don't need brains to lie." "Now think for a minute, Pa." "Do you happen to remember when that slogan came to ya?" "Month of April." "I remember 'cause the rains came pouring' in... and cut the whiskey in the still." "Before you start evicting anybody... contact Billy Reed and find out who really thought up this slogan." "Nonsense." "Pa ain't had an original thought since the day he was born." "He borrowed that slogan from Billy Reed just like he borrows from everyone." "Besides, you can't check with Billy Reed." "He's off on his route somewhere." "I'm afraid Mrs Hicks is right." "We can't delay this any longer." "You'll have to get out in 48 hours." "Forty-eight hours?" "But we can't!" "Pa's got scarlet fever." "Scarlet fever, my foot." "What he's got is a good, old-fashioned sunburn." " Sunburn?" " Doc Gruber says Pa got it... in the bathroom under that fancy new sunlamp." "Pa!" "Where you goin'?" "Let 'em take this pesthouse." "I ain't staying' in it another minute." "I'm sorry, but rules are rules, you know." " Uh..." "Good day." " Good day." "It may be a good day for you, Birdie, but it ain't for Pa." "All the poor man wanted was a new tobacco pouch... and he ended up with a house he didn't want and a case of sunburn." "Hmph." "I knew our luck couldn't hold out." "Well, I guess we'll have to move." "Ma, you're not goin' back to that old house, are you?" " Can't let Pa go alone." " What about the kids?" "This place is good for them." "They're just now beginning to take an interest in it." "I'll admit they haven't torn much of it down." "Think of their futures." "If you let them go back to that old house... they'll go to seed there." " At least here they have a chance." " Well, I guess you're right." "What can I do about it?" "Pa's dead set against staying' here." "Well, we have 48 hours." "You wait right here, and I'll see if I..." "Are you goin' with me, Ma?" "I asked you a question." "It's the kids we got to think of, Pa." "Let's think of them in the old place." "We ain't goin', the kids and me." " Ain't goin'?" " We're stayin' here until Miss Parker..." " finds out about that slogan." " I don't give a hoot in..." "In..." "Well, I've had enough of newfangled ideas." "I'm goin' home." "Forgot something." "We've examined your incubator, Mr Kettle... and found it to be a very promising invention." "You say you need about $5,000 to finance its further development?" " That's right, Mr Fletcher." " Course you realize... that in a venture of this kind..." " the soundest collateral is the character of the man behind it." " Yes, of course." "One's background, his family." "These are the things by which you can judge a man." "Yes, indeed, Mr Kettle." "You can tell a man by the stock he comes from." "They've always said that the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree." " Why, Mr Kettle." "Where you going?" " Excuse me, Mr Fletcher." " I've got to get back to my tree." " But, uh, as I say... there are always exceptions." "Here they come, the mayor and the sheriff." "You kids know what to do." " I don't like the looks of this, Mayor." " No need to worry." "You've got the law on your side." "Just follow me, John." "Ouch!" " That's Henry." " I'll handle this." " Can't you read those signs?" " Put your gun down, Ma." "We just came to talk." "You can talk from where you are." "Just shout." "Forty-eight hours are up, Ma, and the law says you got to clear out." "And I say I ain't setting' foot out of this house until I hear from Kim one way or another." "Ma, be reasonable." "If you don't leave peaceably, we'll have to force you out." "John, round up a couple of deputy sheriffs." "This is gonna be a fight to the finish." "Pa." "Pa, are ya home?" "Hey, Pa!" "Howdy, Alvin." "What was that?" "Just blasting' a well in the back." "That blowtorch." "Turn it off." "Oh, that?" "Been workin' with dynamite all my life." "Ain't never killed nobody... yet." " What you got there?" " Telegram." "It's for Ma." "Fella'd have to be crazy to get anywhere near that fighting'." " What fighting'?" " Ain't you heard?" "The sheriff's tryin' to evict Ma and the kids from the model house." "They're holdin'out with shotguns." "Ma and the kids?" "Again?" "Gotta help Ma out though." "All ready to dig well with shovel now." "No time for diggin', Geoduck." "Ma's just now fighting' the sheriff..." " and we're goin' back to give her a hand." " You want Geoduck to get some help?" "I get many braves, make it good and hot for John Law." "I'll get the help." "You get over to the house." "Tell Ma I'm comin' with enough dynamite to scare off an army." " What's going on here, Sheriff?" " It's about time you came, Tom." "Your ma's resisting' a court order to give the model home back to those King Henry folks." "This is ridiculous." "I'll go and try and straighten this thing out." "I hope so, Tom." "Your ma's a mighty stubborn woman." "Ma!" "Tom's comin' up the walk." "Well, see that none of those varmints try to pussyfoot in with him." "Tom!" "I'm glad you're here in time to help us." " Ma, what are you doin' this for?" " Holdin' on to what's rightfully ours." "This house isn't rightfully ours." "Pa copied that slogan from Billy Reed's calendar." "Won't say he did, won't say he didn't..." " until I get a telegram from Miss Parker." " What's she got to do with it?" "Doesn't Pa know whether he copied the slogan?" "Pa can't remember." "He don't give a hoot." "He lit out of here to go to the old place..." " the minute he found out it was a sunburn he had." " He's there by himself?" "He'll get along all right, I hope." "But it's been a long time since he's been by himself." "Oh, this is senseless, Ma, the whole thing." "Get the kids and go back to Pa." "Go back to that broken-down junkyard?" "I should say not." " I don't want to bring those kids up like a bunch of rag pickers." " This sounds like Kim." " She put you up to this, didn't she?" " Don't get het up." "For a young girl, she's got a tolerable amount of good sense." "And a tolerable amount of theories." "Ma, theories are all right, but not when they break up families and endanger lives." " You'll have to leave here, Ma." " I ain't goin'." "Pa's got to be taught a lesson." "Message." "Pa go to well for dynamite." " He say you hold out 'til he bring it here." " Did ya hear that?" "I knew Pa wouldn't let us down." " What's that?" " Come from the old place." "Did Pa have his blowtorch lit when he went for the dynamite?" "Yeah, Pa have blowtorch lit." "Come on." "I'll get the mayor to drive us over in his car." "Look." "Hat." "We're sorry." "Terribly sorry." "Pa's gone." "And I killed him." "Sure as I'm standin' here, I killed him." " It was an accident, Ma." " No, it was my fault." "I could've gone back to him, but I had to go fighting' for that house." "It was that fightin' that caused it." " Oh, Tom, what happened?" " They were tryin' to evict Ma and the kids... and Pa was gonna stop 'em with some dynamite." "But he never got there." "Oh, Ma." "What about the telegram?" "Didn't Ma show it to the sheriff?" " What telegram?" " The one I sent her telling her the house was really yours." "It was Pa's slogan, Ma." "I borrowed it from him instead of the other way around." " But I did send her one." "Don't you believe me?" " Does it matter now?" " Well, Tom, I..." " Look, you got a climax for your article." "Why don't you just go away and leave us alone?" "Inasmuch as Pa's earthly remains consist of a derby... we'll dispense with a formal funeral." "But I'd like to say here and now that Pa Kettle meant a lot to us." "To all of us." "Oh, his faults were many... but his virtues far exceeded them." "He was a simple and unpretentious man... a man who felt more at home with what God gave him... than with all the modern improvements of our age." "That was Pa." "So now, will you all bow your heads... and join with me in a moment of silent prayer." "Ma, I want you to know that if there's anything we can do..." "There isn't anything anybody can do, Mayor." "If I'd'a known this was gonna happen..." "I'd'a turned in my badge a long time ago, but... if it hadn't'a been me, it'd been somebody else." "You only did what you had to." "There's no use in my trying' to lie to ya." "I never liked Pa when he was alive... but now that he's gone, I..." " There they are, boys." "Chase 'em out of town." "What d'ya have to go and do that for?" "Those folks weren't doin' any harm." "Birdie admitted when you was alive... she never really did like ya, but now that you're gone..." "Pa!" "You're alive!" " Sure." "Shouldn't I be?" " But the explosion..." "Well, the dynamite all blew up." "I had to go get the Indians to help us out." "Now you don't have to give the house back." "Ain't you pleased with me, Ma?" "Yes, Pa, I'm pleased." "Couldn't you have told me where you was goin'..." " instead of scaring me out of my wits?" " Now just a minute." "That's no way to talk to the chairman of the county fair." "After all, what I did I did for you." "I'll teach you to go get yourself blowed up and then come back!" "Now, Ma!" "Ma!" ""... straighten things out." "Love, Kim. "" "And wilt thou love her, comfort her... honour and keep her in sickness and in health... and forsaking all others..." " keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?" " I will." " Kim, wilt thou have this man..." " Got a telegram for ya, Pa." " to thy wedded husband..." " Whatcha waitin' for?" "Open it." "...together after God's ordinance in the holy state of matrimony?" "Wilt thou love him, comfort him... honour and keep him in sickness and in health..." " and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto him..." " A trip to New York?" " so long as ye both shall live?" " I suppose you just wrote in for a bottle opener." "No, Ma, bottle stopper."