"Hello, darling!" "Ah, the news!" "Got to me yet?" " No." "What have you done now?" " A sensational Question Time." " I really made mincemeat of them." " They haven't mentioned it yet." " Typical BBC." " It's not BBC." " Typical ITV." " It's Channel 4." "Well, what can you expect?" "Turn it up, then." "There's growing anxiety for the fate of Benji, an Old English sheepdog, who last night got under the wire and into the artillery range on Salisbury Plain." "Benji belongs to 8-year-old Linda Fletcher." "Linda lost both her parents in a car crash." "Both she and Benji survived." "Unfortunately, the area is full of unexploded shells and is highly dangerous except for one fixed road." "Benji is a long way from the road and seems to be lost." "The Army expressed their regrets, but say that unless he comes to the road there's nothing they can do." "If nothing happens soon, he will either starve or be blown up." "Linda is preparing to spend another night's vigil on Salisbury Plain, hoping that Benji will come back." "And that's the news this evening." " Are you sure you watched all of the news?" " Yes." " Was it on, the bit about me?" " No." " You said you watched it all." " But one mentally tunes out the boring bits." "Not you, dear." "You're not boring." "Not to me, even if you are to the rest of the country." "The future defence of Britain was being fought out in the great forum of the nation and what do they give the viewers?" "A rerun of "Lassie Come Home"!" "I think the Army ought to rescue that dog." "Kids lose dogs every day." "Should the Army rescue every one of them?" " You don't understand ordinary people." " I am an ordinary person." " Oh, surely not" " You want me to waste taxpayers' money on buying cheap popularity?" "Sometimes you have to do things that aren't economic in a civilised society." "Write a paper on that and submit it to the Treasury." "We don't get many laughs!" " The Director General of MI5, Prime Minister." " Ah, hello, Geoffrey." "Come along in." "Thank you, Prime Minister." "Eh, I wonder if..." "Oh, that's all right." "I always have Bernard present." " Not this time, Prime Minister." " Ah." "I don't always have Bernard present." "Do sit down." "I don't have any papers for this meeting." " No, it's too serious." " Why?" " We've just received some information." " Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" " Do you know John Halsted?" " Your predecessor." "Died last month." "He left his personal papers to us." "We've started to go through them." "He was passing government secrets to Moscow in the '50s and '60s." " The head of MI5?" "!" "A Russian agent?" " So it seems." " Why did he leave his papers to you?" " His will said it was a final act of conscience." "I think it's just posthumous gloating." "Showing us he could get away with it." " How much did he tell them?" " That hardly matters." "With Burgess, McLean, Philby, Blake and Fuchs and the Krogers, one more didn't make much more difference." " The point is he was one of us." " One of us?" "Joined MI5 straight from Cambridge, Civil Service all his life." "If this ever gets out, all of us recruited in his time will be suspects for ever." "Yes..." "You're not a spy, are you?" "Only joking." "You're not, are you?" "No..." "This is not all." "We held an internal security investigation into Sir John in the '70s." " There was a lot of speculation." "Remember?" " Vaguely." "All totally irresponsible and ill-informed." " When the press suggested he was a spy?" " Yes." " Well, he was." " But they didn't know that!" "They were being totally ignorant." "They just happened to be accurate." "Anyway, the inquiry cleared him completely, but they missed some rather obvious questions and checks." "So obvious that...well..." "One wonders." "Yes." "What does one wonder?" "One wonders about the chaps who cleared him." "I see." "Whether they were stupid, you mean?" "No, Prime Minister." "Whether they were also..." "Spies?" "!" "My God!" " Who headed that inquiry?" " Old Lord Maclver, but he was ill a lot." "Well, ga-ga, actually." "So, effectively, it was the secretary who conducted it." " Who was the secretary?" " Humphrey Appleby." " Humphrey?" "!" " Yes, Prime Minister." " You think he may have been a spy, too?" " It's a remote possibility, but very unlikely." " He's one of us." " So was John Halsted." "Well, yes, but there's no other evidence against Humphrey." "Might he have been covering up for one of us... one of you?" "I suppose so, but I have no doubts at all about his loyalty." " It's much more likely to be just..." " Hideous incompetence." "We haven't been through the rest of his papers." "You could hold an inquiry into Sir Humphrey." " Could I?" " Well, I wouldn't recommend it at this stage." "We don't want more irresponsible speculation." " Even if it's accurate." " Especially if it's accurate." "There's nothing worse than accurate, irresponsible, ill-informed press speculation." "You could send Humphrey off on gardening leave while we examine the Halsted papers." " Gardening leave?" " And you could confront him." " The substantive evidence is all here." " Shouldn't we just forget about it?" "Well, obviously, it's your decision, but if you did nothing and it emerged later that Sir Humphrey...that he was..." ".. one of them, well, it might not look too good." "Not to mention that as Cabinet Secretary he co-ordinates our security services." " There are no secrets from him." " You're right." "But I find it hard enough to believe that one of us was one of them." "But if two of us were one of them..." "Two of them." ".. all of us could be, um..." "All of them." "Thank you, Geoffrey." "I've heard enough." "Awful!" "Another three points down in the polls." " Not the government." "Only your personal rating." " What have I done wrong?" " Low popularity usually means doing it right." " It's not my failure to get defence cuts?" "To be honest, I don't think defence cuts are the principal topic of conversation in supermarkets." " What is?" " To judge from the popular press, it's the lost dog on Salisbury Plain." "Perhaps the government needs a lost dog policy." " Anything else, Prime Minister?" " Yes, there is something else." " A security matter." "Bernard, would you mind?" " I'm sorry?" " What are you doing?" " Well, I thought..." " There wasn't anyone..." " I was just hoping you'd leave us alone." "Oh!" "Oh." "Yes." " Prime Minister." " Yes, Humphrey." "There's something I want to talk to you about." "Something...very secret." "Would it be easier if I wasn't here?" "A few years ago, there was a security inquiry." "Does the name Sir John Halsted ring a bell?" "Yes, of course." "In fact, I had to conduct the inquiry myself, virtually." " And you found nothing incriminating?" " Of course not." "John Halsted was one of us." "We'd been friends for years." "The whole story was got up by the press and the whole object of internal security inquiries is to find no evidence." "Even if the security of the realm is at risk?" "If you really believe that, you call in the Special Branch." "Government security inquiries are only used for killing press stories." "They enable the Prime Minister to stand up in the House and say," ""There is no evidence for these charges."" " What if you found something suspicious?" " Practically all of government is suspicious." "The fact that you asked Bernard to leave us alone might be construed as suspicious." " Indeed." " But the whole story was clearly a nonsense." "Typical Fleet Street sensationalism." " So he wasn't passing secrets to Moscow?" " Impossible." "Out of the question." " You'd stake your reputation on it?" " Without hesitation." "I see." "Well, I'm afraid I have to tell you that for a substantial part of his career he was a Russian spy." "I don't believe it." "Who says so?" "He does." "He left his papers to the government, including a detailed confession." "MI5 agrees." "It checks out all along the line." "But..." "Good Lord, he..." "I mean, he was..." " One of us?" " Exactly!" "This leaves a lot of questions." "Yes, and I'm asking you - why didn't you ask him a lot of questions?" "Why did the inquiry exonerate him so quickly?" "I've already told you!" "Anyway, we were very busy." "Besides..." "Good Lord!" "You don't think...?" "I mean, surely nobody suspects...?" " What else was I expected to do?" " You could have held a proper inquiry." " He had a surprisingly long stay in Yugoslavia." " Yes?" "Shortly afterwards, several MI5 agents were rounded up and never seen again." " Yes..." " He spent a lot of time with one interpreter." "And she turned out to be a Russian agent." "We knew that." "Most Yugoslav interpreters are Russian agents." "Those who aren't with the CIA, that is." " You never followed it up." " I had better things to do." "Three months later, she moved to England and settled in Cambridge, 150 yards from Sir John Halsted's house." "They were neighbours for the next 11 years." "Crikey!" "You can't check up on everything!" "You never know what you might find!" " If you have such a suspicious mind..." " Hold security inquiries." "Ye...no!" "John gave me his word." "Halsted." "The word of a gentleman." "Anyway, I have a problem." "You." "Me?" "You don't think...?" "You couldn't think..." "I don't speak a word of Russian!" "It was either incompetence or collusion." "I give you my word it wasn't collusion!" " The word of a gentleman?" " Exactly!" "An Oxford gentleman." " How's the garden?" " Oh, well, it..." " I beseech you, not gardening leave." " Why not?" " I have my reputation to think of!" " You staked that on Halsted's innocence." " I think I'll talk to your predecessor." " Arnold?" "Why?" "I've no experience of this sort of thing." "I need Arnold's advice on setting up a security inquiry on a Cabinet Secretary." "Anyway, thank you, Humphrey." "That will be all." "Yes..." "For the time being." "Don't discuss this with Arnold." "Of course not, Prime Minister!" "I wouldn't dream of it." "So what do you think I should do, Arnold?" "Difficult." "Depends a bit on whether you actually were spying or not." " Arnold!" " One must keep an open mind." "But I couldn't have been." "I wasn't at Cambridge." "I'm not one of them." "I'm a married man." "One of us." "I've been in the Civil Service all my life." " So had John Halsted." " But he was different." " Why?" " Well, John used to believe in things." "Causes." "I've never believed in anything in my life!" "He had ideas." "Original ideas." "You know I've never done anything like that." " Even if you were, I agree it mustn't get out." " Do you, Arnold?" "Of course." "Giving information to Moscow is serious." " Giving information to anyone is serious." " The Cabinet." "A scandal like this could gravely weaken the authority of the service." "You mustn't confess." "But I haven't done anything to confess to!" "Be that as it may, there is still the other possibility." "Let us assume, for the sake of argument, that you are innocent." " Oh, thank you, Arnold." " Just assuming, without prejudice." "Then the question of incompetence arises." "But I wasn't incompetent." "You made it clear we were expected to find no evidence against him." " I have no recollections of that." " Oh!" "You know perfectly well." " You have written evidence of this?" " Of course not." "So we return to the question of your incompetence." "You and I may know that you did the job you were required to do, but it's hard to explain that to politicians." " Do they have to know?" " Not if we can help it." "The PM is the danger." " He may want to tell people." " He mustn't!" " Can you stop him?" " I don't know." "You have to stop him." "Suppose he told the Cabinet?" "And they decided to suspend you?" "Remove you to the chairmanship of the War Graves Commission?" " They couldn't!" " They could, but they mustn't." " But not because of you." "You are expendable." " I'm not!" "Once they accept the principle that senior civil servants can be removed for incompetence, that would be thin end of the wedge." "We could lose dozens of our chaps." "Hundreds, perhaps!" "Thousands." "Arnold, what am I going to do?" "I suggest you make yourself so valuable to the Prime Minister over the next few days that he cannot afford to let you go." " How?" " What is he really dead set on at the moment?" " Popularity." " That is what all politicians are dead set on." "But he's dropping at the moment in the polls." "Then you must lift him up again." "Give him a popular role in the biggest current news story." "Well, the biggest current news story is a lost dog on Salisbury Plain." " Well?" " Oh, Arnold." "Are you suggesting that I have the Prime Minister crawling all over Salisbury Plain with a mine detector in one hand and a packet of Winalot in the other?" "It would probably do Britain less harm than anything else he'd be likely to be doing." " The Permanent Secretary for Defence." " Norman, good of you to come." "How did my Secretary of State do in Cabinet?" "Well, so-so." "I think Cabinet is starting to resent his refusal to make defence cuts." " But he didn't back down?" " No." " Excellent." "What can I do for you?" " Well, it's rather a sensitive one." " Cruise missiles?" " No." " Star Wars?" " No." " What, then?" " Em..." "It's this dog on Salisbury Plain." "Oh, that!" "The PM getting his knickers in a twist?" "Don't worry." "It's all under control." " Oh, really?" " It will starve to death by the weekend." "They'll recover the body and bury it just outside the gates." "Guards resting at arms reversed." "The C. O. comforting the weeping little girl." "Telly will lap it up, lovely pictures in the Sundays." " How about rescuing it?" " Don't be silly, Humphrey." "It's dangerous." " But to do it safely." " Safely?" "A squadron of Royal Engineers with mine detectors, the Veterinary Corps with stun darts, a helicopter with winching equipment and a bill up in the hundreds of thousands for a dog you could replace for a fiver at the local pet shop!" "But it could be done?" " If you've got the money." " Could you do it?" "You must be mad!" "Here we are under the greatest pressure to cut spending and you suggest that we waste hundreds of thousands in front of the press on a dog!" "It would be departmental suicide." "Yes, but if the Prime Minister were to authorise it, if it was his initiative, wouldn't it make it harder for him to insist on defence cuts after that?" "Humphrey, you excel yourself." "Especially if he didn't find out the true size of the cost until after the rescue." "What do you want me to do?" "Put the rescue operation on standby in strict confidence." "And promise me the PM will get all the credit." "No nonsense about your Secretary of State trying to muscle in on all the publicity." " You've been briefed by MI5?" " Indeed, Prime Minister." "Unfortunate." " Disastrous." " Not disastrous." "It will never come out." " Things are only disastrous if people find out?" " Of course." "Even if the Cabinet Secretary is a spy?" " I'm happy to say that is not the case." " Why so sure?" "MI5 have just come across this in the Halsted papers, from his private diary." ""Another session with that prize goof Appleby." ""Fooled him completely." "He never asked any difficult questions," ""didn't seem to have read the MI5 report." ""So much wool in his head it's child's play to pull it over his eyes."" " That certainly..." " Exonerates Sir Humphrey." "Arnold..." "I can't tell you how happy this makes me." " Shall I...?" " No, no." "I'll keep this." "I take it there's nothing for me to investigate?" " Not on security grounds." " Good." "I'll take up no more of your time." "Hold on." "There's still the incompetence." "Well, of course, we all make mistakes." " Not on that scale." "Think I should sack him?" " I hardly think so." " No?" "Should civil servants never be sacked?" " If they deserve it, of course." "In principle, but not in practice." " Why not?" " There would have to be an inquiry." "All inquiries into the incompetence of civil servants lead back to mistakes by ministers." " On second thoughts, leave it with me." " Thank you, Prime Minister." "Sir Humphrey." "Show him in, Bernard." "Show him in!" " Prime Minister." " Ah!" "Goofy." "Er, Humphrey." "I'm happy to tell you you've been cleared of spying." " How?" " Something Sir John Halsted wrote." " Oh, that's very gratifying." " Isn't it?" " May one see the document?" " One certainly may." "Better still, one can have it read to one." ""May 28th." "Another session with that prize goof Appleby." "Fooled him completely..."" " Yes, thank you." " No, it goes on." "It clears you even more." " "He never asked any difficult questions..."" " Yes, that's quite clear." ""So much wool in his head, it's child's play to pull it over his eyes." Isn't that wonderful?" "You must be a very happy man." "Halsted was a hopeless judge of character." " You mean we can't believe this?" " Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, it's absolutely true." "True, that is, in the sense of..." "You see, he wasn't bright enough to understand subtle questioning techniques." "The non-confrontational approach." " Lulled him into a TRUE sense of security?" " No, no, no." "Anyway, I take it it's all over now?" "The matter of collusion, yes." "But would you condone incompetence of this sort?" "It was a long time ago." "I had many other onerous duties." " You have many now." " Yes." "And, in fact... .. I have been giving some thought to how you might increase your popularity rating." " Yes?" " Strong government needs a popular PM." " You should do something popular." " But what?" "I was about to suggest that you might intervene personally to save that poor little doggie on Salisbury Plain." " Are you serious?" " Of course." "It certainly would be very popular." " Would it be very expensive?" " Surely not." "Could we cost it?" "Well, I gather that time is running out for little Benji." "We have to make a decision this morning." "There are times when you have to act from the heart, even as Prime Minister." " You're right, Humphrey!" " May I?" "Please do." "It's not a question of buying cheap popularity." "By no means." " Will it take long?" " I've got the Army on three-hour standby." " Splendid." " Is that you, Norman?" "Walkies." "And finally, Benji, the Old English sheepdog lost on the artillery range on Salisbury Plain has been rescued." "Martin Muncaster reports." "The operation began here on B Range." "Four detachments of the Royal Engineers with mine detectors set off from different points to close in on where Benji was last sighted." "It took them over an hour to locate him." "Then the Royal Veterinary Corps fired a stun dart at Benji." "Unfortunately, the area is too dangerous to enter without detonating shells, so a Royal Navy helicopter was flown in and they lowered a man to pick up Benji without crossing the dangerous ground and fly him to safety." "Later, he was reunited with his young owner, Linda Fletcher, who said she'd almost given up hope of ever seeing Benji again." "It's understood that direct intervention from the Prime Minister made this possible." " Darling, you got them to rescue that dog!" " Yes." " You said it would be a waste of money." " I know, but government is caring." " Caring about votes?" " That's not very kind, Annie." "I thought about that little girl and what Benji must mean to her." "Individuals do count, even in a world of budgets and balance sheets." "Some people might criticise me, but sometimes doing the right thing means risking unpopularity." "Well, I won't criticise you, darling." "I think you're wonderful." "See this, Humphrey?" ""Britain learned today that a real human heart beats inside Number 10 Downing Street."" " Actually, 74 human hearts beat inside here." " Thank you, Bernard." "See?" "I was right." "I have an instinct for what people want." " If I may say so, Prime Minister..." " Of course!" "It was your idea, wasn't it?" "Well done." "What can I do for you?" " The Halsted inquiry?" " Say no more about it." "Completely forgotten." "Oh, thank you." "Now may we discuss the Cabinet agenda?" "One or two points." " Item 3..." " Linda says, "My vote goes to Mr Hacker!"" " I beg your pardon?" " I'm sorry, Humphrey." "Yes?" ""BBC and ITV report a flood of phone calls," ""all approving the PM's decision to rescue Benji."" "May I suggest that we postpone Item 3?" ""The Leader of the Opposition was not available for comment." I bet he wasn't!" "Support me or let pet dogs starve to death!" "I really had him there, didn't I?" " Sorry, Humphrey." " Item 3." "Yes, what's Item 3?" "Defence cuts?" "What about them?" "We should refer them to Cabinet Committee." "No, I want a decision on Thursday, not a 60-page submission next Easter." "Ah, because I've just had the provisional costings for the dog rescue operation." "£310,000?" "!" " That's impossible!" " Those are MoD figures on a true-cost basis." " This is absurd." "We must do something." " Put the dog back?" " That's ridiculous." "I'm not postponing Item 3." " Well, it's your decision, Prime Minister." "And a very courageous one, if I may say so." "Courageous?" "Why?" "Well, if the defence cuts are made, the cost of rescuing a dog is bound to be leaked." " Oh, no." " Unless you have faith in MoD confidentiality." "Don't be absurd!" "They leak like sieves." "I can see it now. "Prime Minister saves dog at expense of Britain's air defences."" " It would be quite a story." " A shaggy dog story." "But it would only come out if..." " I'm not going to be blackmailed." " Of course not." "On the other hand, one can cut defence too far." " Absolutely." " Defence of the realm." "First duty of government." " First duty." " There are emergencies" " Korea, the Falklands." " Benji." " Benji!" "Yes." "I think I may have been a little hasty." "Item 3 probably needs a bit more thought." " I'm sure that's wise." " No hurry." "Refer defence cuts to committee." "Yes, Prime Minister."