"Family dinner..." "The backbone of America." "A chance for families to get together and talk about their day..." "In our case, waiting for Sue to take a breath." "In middle school, they're called tater tots, but in high school, they're called tater rounds." " You know..." " Oh, my gosh!" "I almost said "tots" today." "That would have been such a frosh move." "Did you know that they call freshmen "frosh"?" "May I please be excused to go step in front of a moving train?" "It's a family dinner." "You suffer with the rest of us." "Go ahead, Sue." "We're all very interested." " We weren't." " So in middle school..." "It was my fault, really." "I'm the one who had the bright idea of family dinner." "Actually, Oprah had the idea in her magazine..." "Oprah, who doesn't have kids." "Anyway, my locker's in frosh hall..." "They call it that because that's where all the frosh lockers are." "And at first, I almost couldn't remember my locker combination... another frosh move." " But then, I got..." " My God, Sue!" "Would you give it a rest?" "Excuse me." "I am her mother." "If I feel she needs to give it a rest," "I will tell her to give it a rest." "So anyway, the froshiest thing I did this week..." "Okay, Sue, let's give it a..." "little break." "Axl, you're up." "Didn't you have a science test the other day?" "How'd that go?" "Uh, actually, we won't get the scores till next week." "Actually, you can get 'em right now." "All the grades go up on the school web site, and parents can check 'em whenever they want." "Axl had been having a rough go of it with Sue now in his school." "He told her to be cool, but there's cool and then there's Sue cool." "Axl!" "Axl!" "Axl!" "Oh, my God!" "You ruin my life at school, and now you gotta ruin it at home, too?" "!" "I can't take it anymore!" "I need my space!" "Axl!" "What are you talking about?" "I totally give you space!" "In what way am I not giving you space?" "What kind of space am I not giving you?" "Ugh." "All right, I guess we can't avoid it anymore." "We gotta run the dishwasher." "I'll get the broom, you get the towels." "Hey, Brick, you know, with Sue hoggin' up all the oxygen," "I don't think we've heard a word out of you all week." "How's fourth grade treating you?" "Not well." "You didn't do something weird already in class yet, did you?" "It's just the first week, Brick." "You gotta pace yourself." "It's my teacher, Mr. Wilkerson." "He's a man." "I like women." "I like their bosoms." "We all do, Brick, but right now you're in a bosomless situation." " You gotta make the best of it." " But when he asks you a question, he throws you the answer ball." "If I have to catch a ball to answer a question, it's gonna be a long year." "Playing catch in class?" "That, for most kids, is what's called fun." "But when he takes us to gym, we're supposed to climb the rope." "He fails to pick up on my reluctance." "He's not a good fit for me." "You should probably go talk to him." "Um, Brick, if you have issues with Mr. Wilkerson, you're gonna have to talk to him yourself." "I mean, you're in the fourth grade now." "We trust you to take care of this." "You've matured." "Really?" "Oh, yeah, you have, definitely." "Hmm." "You just don't wanna go see his teacher." "Gee, ya think?" "I learned my lesson with Ms. Rinsky!" "I'm not going anywhere near that school." "Did you have Ms. Wright for frosh math?" "Are her tests hard?" "People say she's the hardest of all the frosh teachers." "Oh, my God!" "How do you do it?" "Every day I think I couldn't possibly like you less." "Oh, also, I meant to ask you..." "I still have to pick an elective for my free period before frosh math." "So many choices!" "Uh, typing, computer lab, home ec..." "Hey, what about swimming?" "Swimming?" "I can do that as an elective?" "Oh, yeah." "It's a real gateway for getting on the swim team." "I mean, I don't know if you're even interested in doing any extracurricular activities, but..." "Swimming." "Thanks, Axl." "You're a good brother." "He wasn't." "You see, with the pool here, and Sue's next class way over here," "Axl knew there was no way she'd ever make it on time." "Let's just say revenge is a dish best served daily between 11:00 and 11:05." "Oh!" "No... no..." "Tardy sweep!" "Oh, no, no, no, but I had to come all the way from the pool." "It's so far!" "Hey, do you wanna buy some weed?" "Well, I took your guys' advice and talked to Mr. Wilkerson, and he said I don't have to take gym anymore." "When everyone else goes," "I get to sit in the classroom and read." "What?" "!" "What kind of a male teacher lets a kid skip gym?" "Seriously, does this guy wear sandals?" "I'm telling you, Frankie, any money, this guy wears sandals." "He was surprisingly receptive." "Yeah, but, Brick, they're all going to gym, you're not..." "What are the other kids gonna say?" "I don't know." "But I'll tell you what they won't be saying..." ""Hey, there goes Brick." "Let's get him."" "Mm." "Well, okay, Frankie, you're gonna have to go talk to this Wilkerson and explain the whole deal of how Brick is." "Why?" "Why do I always have to go down and explain how Brick is?" "It's exhausting." "Can't I just type something up and pin it to his shirt?" "Or tie it to his wrist?" "Yeah, like a bracelet." "Like a quirk alert bracelet." "Oh, wait a second!" "This could be a thing." "Mm, doesn't feel like a thing." "Mom!" "Axl tricked me..." "There should be different categories of tardy." "I got put in detention with a marijuana salesman!" "Hey, maybe you wanna go check out those tardies on the school web site." "But what's the password again, Sue?" "Oh!" "I'll see you at the sawmill, 'cause you just got axed." "Whoo!" "Axl eats four doughnuts every day for lunch!" "Ooh!" "See you in court, 'cause you just got Sued!" "Just remember, Sue, too many tardies, and it goes on your permanent record." "Now the one person whose permanent record you don't wanna mess with is Sue." "She knew with a little planning, there had to be a way to beat the sweep." "She tried cutting through the auditorium..." "Tardy sweep!" "Same with the cafeteria." "Tardy sweep!" "She even tried a shortcut outside the building." "Tardy sweep!" "Finally, after studying the map all weekend, she cracked it." "She learned the quickest way was through Mr. Bertram's shop class." "All that cross country had paid off." "Sue was gonna make it to her locker right on schedule." "If only Lucy Howard hadn't developed over the summer, and Steve Johnson hadn't taken notice of it." "Um, excuse me, uh, I need to get to my locker, please." "Ugh!" "Um, don't know if you know, but if you're late to class, you're gonna be tardy, and it could go on your permanent record!" "Tardy sweep!" "Ugh!" "See?" "!" "So the next day, she moved to plan "e."" "If she couldn't stop at her locker, she was just gonna have to bring her locker with her." "Hey!" "A little..." "A little help?" "A little..." "A little help here, please?" "If someone could just give me a hand?" "Axl!" "You didn't flip your sister?" "What is the matter with you?" "I cannot believe you wouldn't flip your sister!" "It's embarrassing!" "Doesn't matter, Axl." "You flip." "You flip your family!" "You weren't there." "Look." "Oh, you can't stop to flip your sister, but you have time to take a picture?" "Worse." "I got sent a picture of "turtle girl"" "by 37 different people!" "Oh, no." "Thank you!" "Do you get it now?" "Do you see how she is ruining my life?" "What about turtle girl's feelings?" "You ever think how turtle girl feels?" "Turtle girl never had anything to lose!" "Stop calling me turtle girl!" "I've worked too hard being too awesome, and Sue is not gonna drag me down to dorkdom with her!" "I'm out!" "I'm putting my foot down!" " I'm not driving her anymore!" " Hey!" "I'm the mom." "You're the child." "You do not have a foot to put down, and you're not telling me what you're not doing." "That's weird, 'cause I'm not driving her." "You can't make me." "Uh, you don't seem to understand how things work around here, so I'm gonna do you a favor and clear it up for you." "I'm in charge..." "So I'm on top." "And underneath," "Axl, Sue, and Brick." "Get it?" "Okay." "Are we all clear?" "Why am I under Axl?" "It's just a random order." "It doesn't look random." "It looks like you think Axl is above me." "Only in looks, intelligence, charisma, and personality." "Ugh." "What about dad?" "I don't see dad." "Fine. "And dad."" "Right up there with me, and above you three, who are listed here in a random order." "That's not right." "Dad goes above you." "What?" "Well, no he doesn't." " That was my understanding." " Doesn't he?" "Wait." "You think that?" "You think dad goes above me?" "Hey..." "Hey, Mike, your kids have the crazy idea that in the hierarchy of this house, you're in charge." "Okay." "Okay?" "Okay?" "Wait." "You agree with that?" "You think that's accurate?" "I don't know." "I just got home." "It's not inaccurate." "See?" "That's what I said." "What?" "Why?" "What, because he's a man and I'm a woman?" "Why would you think he's in charge?" "Well, he's scarier." "And he pays the bills and stuff." "Okay, first of all, we are equally scary." "We're equal in everything." "We are equal." "Ju..." "Look at the chart!" "You made a chart?" "Last again." "I'm always last." "You're not always last." "I am too!" "Whenever you write a card, you sign it "Mike, Frankie, Axl, Sue... and Brick." "I'm sick of being "and Brick."" "I told you, it's a random order!" "Then how come dad's always first?" "'Cause dad's in charge." "He's not in charge." "I'm in charge." "Tell them, Mike." "Tell them I'm in charge." "You heard her." "When I'm not home, your mom's in charge." "Mike!" "Well, I would like to make something perfectly clear..." "Axl is not in charge of me." "Pfft." "You think I wanna be in charge of you?" "You think I wanna drive you, flip you, with all this responsibility?" "I hate being the oldest!" "Well, it's better than being in the middle, where nobody notices you!" "I've been eating old candy canes for breakfast every day this week." "You wanna be unnoticed?" "Try being "and Brick."" " Oh, my God, what other terrible life..." " No, you don't understand..." "Hey, everybody knock it off!" "Okay, I've had enough." "Everybody go to your room." "Wait, wait, wait." "Why did you look at him?" "Okay, you know what?" "Don't go to your room." "Everybody stay here!" "Hey, did you talk to Brick's teacher yet?" "No, but now that you said it," "I'll make sure I run right down there, 'cause after all, you are the boss of me." "You know, Frankie, if the kids think I'm in charge, it's kinda your fault." "Oh, really?" "It's my fault?" "How do you figure?" "I'm just saying, maybe you played the "dad" card one too many times." "Your dad's gonna be home in five minutes, and he is not gonna be happy." "Seriously, I don't know what he's gonna do." "If it were up to me, I'd totally let you, but I just don't think your dad will go for it." "Oh, let's see how long that smirk's on your face when I tell your dad about this." "Oh, please." "Just because I occasionally call you in for backup does not make you in charge." "You ever see the godfather call for backup?" "Okay, you know what?" "The only reason that you have any power whatsoever is because I gave it to you." "You're in a puppet presidency, mister." "You may be moving your mouth, but it's my words coming out." "Oh, you're full of words, all right." "But when something actually has to get done," "I'm the one who steps in and makes it happen." "You're the yammer." "I'm the hammer." "Okay, hammer." "If you're so great at getting things done, why don't you go down and talk to Brick's teacher?" "Fine." "I will." "See?" "I said it, and now I'm doing it." "You should try that sometime." "So Mike may have had a point with the whole "yammer" thing." "But the next day, he was the one stuck going to see Brick's teacher." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for Mr. Wilkerson." "You found him." "You're Mr. Wilkerson?" "The teacher?" "You're not waiting for your dad or something?" "No, no, I'm Ralph Wilkerson." "Okay." "My mistake." "Mike Heck, Brick Heck's dad." "Hey." "Awesome to meet you." "Please, have a seat." "Now believe it or not, this is my first parent-teacher meeting." "Oh, I believe it." "Yeah, first-time teacher." "I really wanna establish a rapport with the parents of my students." "You know, you can check in with me anytime on the school web site, or better yet, follow my tweets." "Yeah, I don't know what that is, but thanks." "Listen, I wanted to talk to you about letting Brick skip gym." "I appreciate you trying to accommodate him, but that's the worst thing you can do." "Look, I hear your concerns, and I agree with you." "I want Brick to go to gym as well." "Oh." "Great." "Then you tell him to go to gym, and I'll see you at parents night." "Hold up, hold up, Mike." "It's not that easy." "Yeah, I think it is." "Oh, uh, sorry." "I..." "I have the answer ball, so just let me finish my thought." "I want Brick to go to gym, but I want Brick to want to go to gym." "You know, it's a question of motivation." "You know, specifically, the sociocultural theory of scaffolding." "We provide children with the building blocks to come to decisions on their own through positive reinforcement." "Now it's your turn, Mike." "Okay." "Instead of all that, you could say, "I'm the teacher." "You're the kid." "Go to gym."" "Answer ball?" "Mike, what do you think's gonna happen when Brick sees all of his friends go off to gym to play and have fun and he's all alone back here reading?" "I think he'll love it." "Eventually, he'll want to join them." "That's what..." "It's what my professor called the "positive peer-amid."" "You'll see, Brick will come to the decision to go to gym on his own." "No." "No, he won't." "Brick will read for as long as you let him." "Mike, I know kids." "Well, sure, 'cause you just recently were one." "In my experience with children, they react better when you don't force them." "What experience?" "Do you think what you've been doing so far is working?" "I see you holding the answer ball, but I don't hear an answer." "My wife usually does these meetings." "Hey." "Is Brick back in gym class?" "He is not." "What?" "Why not?" "Things were said." "Things were thrown." "Things were broken, and it just kinda went downhill from there." "Oh, Mike, we finally moved on from Ms. Rinsky, and now we have another teacher who hates us?" "Well, he doesn't hate us." "It's worse." "He cares." "He wants us to interface on a weekly basis, whatever that is, and..." "We're supposed to fill out this parenting style questionnaire." "You brought back homework?" "Way to go, hammer." "Why didn't you say no?" "'Cause I didn't have the answer ball, okay?" "Do you really think it's bad being the oldest?" "Are you kidding?" "Mom and dad have been all up in my business ever since I was born." "When I started high school, they were all, "how's it going, Axl?"" ""How are your classes?" "Who are your teachers?" "Who are your friends?"" "But when you're the middle kid, you kinda disappear." "I'd kill for less attention." "You can get away with whatever you want." "You fly under the radar." "But I don't wanna fly under the radar." "I just feel like when you're the..." "Block away." "I just feel like as the middle child, people don't see me." "It's like sometimes I'm invisible." "Hey, ax-man!" "Yeah, you know it!" "Maybe feeling invisible is a good thing." "Like, because you're the middle kid, you want people to notice you." "You just keep trying." "Not yet." "Okay." "I mean..." "If I turtled like that at school," "I would've packed it in and made mom homeschool me, but you're weird." "You don't give up." "It's actually..." "Kind of almost impressive." "You're like this dork optimist." "That was the nicest thing Axl had ever said to her." "Her brother was right." "She was a dork optimist, and dork optimists never give up." "Sue didn't turtle, which was a miracle, and as she passed her locker, she noticed an even bigger miracle." "There were no hormonal teenagers groping each other in front of it." "This was her opportunity." "This time, she was gonna make it," "Sean Hage?" " Sue Heck?" " Here!" "Tardy sweep!" "What are you doing?" "That's not done." "No choice, Mike." "I can't find the dryer broom, and I need clothes more than dishes right now." "Would you say our parenting style is proactive, authoritative, or democratic?" "Oh, no, no." "You're trying to rope me in to doing it, and I'm not doing it." "Not my homework." "Aw!" "Come on." "Lonely at the top, isn't it, boss man?" "You know, Frankie, the truth is, the kids don't always listen to me either." "You're just saying that 'cause you're stuck on a question, but it's not gonna work." "No, really." "Axl is in his room right now eating a ham on his bed when I told him not to four times." "Oh, that's okay." "We'll have the last laugh." "I got it at the frugal hoosier." "That thing expired two days ago." "Hoo-hoo!" "Relaxed." "Huh?" "Our parenting style..." "Relaxed." "Thanks." "Try and work in the word "scaffolding" somewhere." "I don't know what it is, bur Mr. Wilkerson will like it." "The thing is, in a family, people take charge at different times." "Sometimes a sister helps out in a way a mom and dad can't." "You know, Brick, you should really think about going to gym." "If you climb to the top of the rope you get a coupon for a free frozen yogurt." "Sometimes a kid helps the parent." "Mr. Heck." "Hey, uh, just following up on that paperwork I asked you to turn in yesterday." "Hey, Brick?" "Your teacher's on my computer." "I don't wanna talk to him." "How do I get rid of this guy?" "Hit "escape." Also, he can hear you." "And sometimes, it was a brother who helped a sister make it to class on time, and she never even knew it." "Hey!" "Losers!" "This is someone's locker." "Do it under the bleachers like normal people, huh?" "Alone, we would die, but together..." "Come on, kids." "Time for bed." "Hmm?" "I can't." "You've got work in the morning." "You're gonna be miserable tomorrow if you don't." "Let's go." "Together, we're barely functional."