"Cabbage Soup" "The village was a village of the Bourbonnais." "As this discrete Bourbonnais hadn't carved for itself a war name in history, like Alsace or Lorraine, it was mistaken, for instance, for Burgundy just as, long ago, Piraeus (Greek port) was mistaken for a man," "and my aunt's pendants for my uncle's." "In short, the village was the worse for it." "To put it bluntly, back on white, there was nothing left in the village, less than nothing." "Or, rather, yes..." "There still survived, by hook or by crook, in the hamlet of Les Gourdiflots, two exotics, two fossils from the dawn of time, two pathetic creatures." "The first of these Last of the Mohicans, of these tanned, wine-soaked dried fruits, of these curiosities from another time, rejected by technology and even the combustion engine, the first, then, of these two Druids of the wine goblet" "was called Francis Chérasse, nicknamed Le Bombé (the bulgy one) for the hunch that endowed his features." "The second one was Claude Ratinier " "Le Glaude, as he was called in the neighborhood." "Le Glaude with a G." "No, I dont want any, I dont want any..." "It's only a fly..." "If you're afraid it'll plug up your ass..." "I don't care about the fly... even flies would do me less harm than wine, with what I've got!" "What have you got since yesterday?" "Well?" "What?" "I have diabetes" "How did you find out?" "In the paper" "They talk about your diabetes in "The Mountain"?" "No, my lad, they talk about it in general in an article but there's some particular in that general..." "So what?" "What d'you mean, so what!" "My Aunt Augustine, who had diabetes in every corner, they took out one of her eyes she died." "My first cousin, Benoît Clou, he was tiny, like this... he was big, fat, broad, strong, like that... well, he too got lucky with diabetes!" "So they took out an eye he died." "So, for me, 1+1, that makes... two." "Well, confidence for confidence..." "I have two uncles who died back in 1914..." "Really?" "...that'll never happen to me!" "So drink!" "Come on..." "Drink up!" "Drink up!" "I mustn't drink anymore..." "Never...never, I'm off to the doctor." "Well...that's not the end of it..." "You can have one glassful, Mr. Ratinier..." "Per meal?" "Oh no!" "Per day!" "How much have you been drinking everyday?" "I dont know...5 or 6 liters..." "like Le Bombé!" "What?" "You're crazy!" "I should never have read this paper..." "Anyway, we knew it's just lies in the papers bullshit from politicians just to upset people..." "Well, with all that, old man, you've made me late..." "The hour is the hour and... it's the hour of the "perniflard"..." "I'm going to pour myself a wee drop... if the smell doesn't bother you, with your diet..." "Hey, "Le Glaude"... my water, without boasting... it's the best around here... for soup...and for the "perniflard"!" "There is underneath a phreatic layer... there's nothing like it in the whole region..." "When I think you got rid of your well for tap water I want to crawl out of my pants in reverse!" "But you know perfectly well that my Francine wanted it on the sink..." "Women, they need the latest modern comforts these days..." "Ah...they even want equality, those females..." "They'll be cute, their little boys if they create them all by themselves... with all kind of shots somewhere..." "They'll be giving birth to seahorses... like those found in puddles... or to diabetics..." "El Glaude..." "El Glaude..." "El Glaude..." "My water... it has a temperature of great precision... for the "perniflard"... within 1 degree..." "If it's icy cold, it slices through your stomach... but this one...it slides down your guts... like the morning dew on the leaves..." "look!" "Take a look..." "Oh, that was good, my Glaude..." "Look!" "I say, my Bombé, it's still in our little corner, far from evil-doers, that we can best wait for death." "I, for one, will never end up in an old-age home" "I'd rather drown in my own well like any true well-digger should!" "That's it, and I should club myself to death on the head with a shoe, like all true shoemakers should!" "Nonsense!" "It's unbearable..." "We need a change of air!" "Oh maman...oh mon Gla..." "I'm being poisoned!" "What's going on inside!" "..." "Oh mon Gla!" "Oh...this one I danced over and over with Francine!" "Light as a butterfly was she, the poor little child... when we danced on Saint-Hyppolite's day... or on St. Peter's or our Lady's day... everywhere...only parties and dancing!" "Now, my Cicisse...no more waltzes... only two knights, as stupid as the moon... under the moon!" "You're not going to start crying... you...old chimpanzee..." "But I miss her, my Francine..." "What do you want...women only happen to the living..." "Take a look!" "They're really beautiful, the stars!" "They say there are millions and millions and millions..." "Just listen to this!" "Just listen to this!" "Come on, get in!" "What brings you here?" "Hey, Le Glaude..." "Get up!" "Come and see!" "There's a flying saucer in your field!" "What have you done?" "What terrible thing have you done?" "You've murdered him, you accursed assassin!" "You've massacred my best friend!" "He's asleep!" "But why did you come here, to my home... and not somewhere else?" "But if you don't tell me..." "I'll never know where you've escaped from... you old Denrée (foodstuff)?" "...they're really beautiful, the stars!" "...they say there are millions and millions and millions ...just listen to this!" "...just listen to this!" "It's me and Le Bombé!" "You've heard us fart from up there?" "But what did you think...that we were calling you?" "Really?" "Well, if you can't fart under the stars anymore without a Martian falling on your head they'll be arriving by the wagonfuls!" "Sacré nom di Diou!" "You've given me a terrible thirst with all your antics!" "Well, old Denrée, we're in France...bottoms up!" "...hop!" "Come on!" "You don't like wine?" "..." "Your loss!" "Now excuse me, pal... if it's only when we burp or fart... that you understand us, we won't be chatting much!" "First of all, Le Bombé and I only fart outside we have manners..." "We've been to restaurants!" "But wait a minute!" "...you're not thirsty..." "You're dying of hunger and you're ashamed to ask!" "Let's go!" "Look!" "This is cabbage soup!" "The real thing!" "Made with my own cabbage a spring variety: the "hasty bacalan"!" "My lad, let's dig in!" "Now we wait a little, till it soaks up the broth..." "Never a dull moment with you, La Denrée!" "When I fart, you land on us from God knows where... and when I smoke, you crash on the floor!" "Come on!" "My cabbage soup, laddie, perfumes your innards makes you feel good along every inch of your guts..." "It sticks to the body it even does nice things to the head!" "Shall I tell you?" "It makes you a better person!" "OK, buddy, you're all set for the road!" "Let's go!" "Ah...you want to take some away?" "That's very easy, come along!" "See... with this you can go for miles without losing a drop!" "Cabbage soup!" "Cabbage soup, my laddie!" "I'll step out with you..." "Let's go..." "So that's it, my old Denrée..." "Bon voyage!" "Shake hands!" "Shake hands..." "That's it..." "like this..." "like this..." "And come back soon, La Denrée, you're a good guy!" "El Glaude!" "There's a flying saucer in your field!" "El Glaude!" "There's a flying saucer in your field!" "Don't scream like that!" "I'm telling you...there's a saucer..." "There!" "In your field!" "What's with your saucer?" "First, what saucer?" "Flying...a flying saucer!" "You've never heard of flying saucers?" "But they don't exist, flying saucers!" "How much do you bet...1 liter?" "Three!" "Three!" "You said three liters!" "Bet's on!" "Three liters!" "I had to pee..." "It was warm, so I said to myself: go pee outside it'll be a change from the potty..." "I step out and I see a saucer... there, in your field!" "I couldn't pee anymore and I ran to warn you." "Where is it, your saucer?" "So, show it to me..." "It's gone..." "You had a nightmare...it happens..." "What did you eat for supper yesterday?" "Pig's foot..." "Nothing heavier on the stomach!" "So...your flying saucer...pig's foot!" "It was...it was white as chrome at least 3 to 4 meters wide...it was round like cow's cheese it was beautiful..." "like a female's tit..." "It was right here..." "What are you looking for?" "What did you find?" "..." "Want a teeny-weeny spade?" "Merde!" "It was here, I'll never forget, it was here!" "Here, here,here!" "My little Cicisse, you drink too much!" "Go to hell!" "First you see saucers... and you end up seeing rats all over your bedspread!" "Go to hell, I'm telling you, I didn't have a drop more than usual!" "That's it!" "I'm going back to bed!" "I won't spend the night galloping after Martians!" "Merde!" "And don't forget you owe me 3 liters!" "3 liters of piss...3 liters of piss you'll get!" "Last night around 1 a.m. I felt a pressing need... and I..." "I stepped outside... and I saw a flying saucer!" "Excuse me..." "I'm Mrs. Poulangeard's brother..." "I'm asking you not to believe one word of her flying saucer story..." "She's crazy inside out!" "Is that so?" "Thank you!" "Well...we're going to take down your statement..." "Hi, buddy..." "He's in, the Chief?" "One minute, he's busy." "It won't be too long?" "I'm taking down your statement..." "Last night...aroud 1 a.m.... ...I felt a pressing need..." "Is that so?" "And...and you saw a flying saucer..." "Well, yes..." "Last night, at 1 a.m., a resident of Les Gourdiflots, Mrs. Amelie Poulangeard who felt a pressing need...stepped out of her home... and saw a flying saucer..." "Oh, good, she's crazy to the bone!" "Precisely!" "..." "If a simpleton sees a flying saucer... it is quite evident that, a few meters away... a certified drunk... will be sure to see one too of those saucers!" "..." "Well...go on, you're dismissed..." "Mr. Chérasse!" "Ah, nom de Dieu!" "Ah, nom di Diou, for sure..." "Well then, old man, they say you've seen a flying saucer...?" "Of course I saw it!" "Sure, I saw it..." "Oh yes!" "Did it have stripes or dots?" "It...it was polished..." "Oh sure!" "Too polished to be honest...!" "(French saying)" "It was smooth..." "like a Champagne bucket..." "Oh...just get off my back!" "It's for you, my Francine, a beautiful geranium..." "Well, apart from that, no news What could be new?" "When things aren't OK, you've got to cope..." "Aah...a Martian dropped in..." "No, not a drop..." "I did drink..." "I didn't drink at all, I swear!" "Ever since you passed away, I haven't had a single "canon" (glass of wine)... and for the "pern...",well..." "I'll..." "OK...good...." "OK, listen... see you one of these mornings and have fun!" "...have fun!" "Can't you think about anything else?" "No!" "It's eating you, eh?" "Sure it's eating me!" "I look like an asshole all over Jaligny!" "You always looked like one!" "Could be, but now they have reasons..." "Shall I tell them that I saw the saucer too... so that we'll both look like morons!" "Oh, you're a good guy, but it's a waste of time..." "Come on, have a "canon"!" "All right, then I'll hang myself!" "You're not going to hang yourself!" "My Lulu, better death than dishonor..." "You have no right to terminate yourself, Francis!" "It's the first time you use my first name..." "You have family, neighbors, friends..." "I am all of those all by myself!" "Ah, you think only of yourself!" "I'm going through hell and you don't give a damn!" "What you want is for me to be your buffoon, your slave, so you can make fun of my hump, because I saw a saucer..." "Come on, let's have a "canon"!" "I'm not thirsty!" "I want to be left alone!" "Le Bombé!" "Le Bombé!" "What are you up to?" "Le Bombé!" "You could answer when I call..." "It's to make you worry... you thought I was black as a lump of coal, hanging from a rope..." "You ought to be slapped, you phony..." "You'd hit me, wouldn't you...?" "!" "Don't you worry..." "You would beat me up, like the gendarmes did..." "They beat you up, the gendarmes?" "Like a punching-ball..." "You know they beat up everybody, the gendarmes..." "I..." "I didn't know..." "Oh yes...they get bonuses for that." "Yes, my Glaude, they didn't hesitate to hit a handicapped man..." "I'm going to tell the Mayor..." "Don't do that!" "I forgive them... they know not what they do." "You!" "You're making a fool of me!" "Well, I'm going to prepare... your little bowtie!" "Go ahead, hang yourself, it's ready..." "You can swing all you want, deadmeat, it's strong!" "You go hang yourself!" "I don't march to anybody's whistle..." "I'll hang myself whenever I please!" "Aaah..." "Thank you, my little Guillaume!" "Come on in for a drink!" "I never offer any to your colleagues, their ass is always on fire!" "I saw you on your pottie!" "Let's have a pot, but not from the same one!" "That shouldn't take long!" "They say that Le Bombé has seen a saucer..." "He's batty..." "Everybody's making fun of him!" "Not surprising!" "Now he wants to hang himself!" "That's not too good..." "Sometimes... they really do it!" "Have you finished spying on me, ass-skinned face!" "Soon you'll be following me to the toilet, if it goes on!" "I don't give a damn about you, I came to see your vegetables!" "Well, they're downstairs!" "You see, on mine there are slugs...slugs this big!" "Eat them, that's what you can do!" "Oh, Le Glaude!" "Help me, I'm dead!" "Help me, El Glaude!" "Oh, nom de Dieu!" "I'm coming!" "Let me die!" "What's happening to you, Le Bombé?" "I..." "I destroyed myself... but the rope snapped!" "I broke my kidneys..." "like crystal!" "I'm going to die, Le Glaude!" "Ow, my ass hurts!" "Oh my God, my ass hurts!" "What's the matter?" "I can't breathe!" "You know..." "I could've killed myself!" "Call the fire brigade!" "Why?" "Are you thirsty?" "Oh my God..." "I feel bad!" "You know what?" "My hump has burst!" "My hump has burst, I can't feel it anymore!" "No, calm down... it's still there, you won't be disfigured!" "It's there?" "You see, you're not in a thousand pieces!" "Come on, let's go!" "Geez, it hurts!" "My ass is all sliced up!" "My buttocks went into my stomach!" "Careful now!" "Oh no, not there, Claude, not there!" "Oh, my Glaude!" "Makes you thirsty to tie a noose round the neck..." "Oh, that's so good!" "Oh, my Claude, for sure it's the first and last time I ever die!" "But I was conscious, I saw that flying saucer, I saw it!" "With mine own eye's!" "We fart, Cicisse!" "We fart like the other night!" "You need to fart?" "Is your ass all screwed up?" "We have to fart!" "Fart already, nom di Diou!" "But I'm not up to it..." "I'm not in the mood for that!" "We have to fart!" "Oh, my poor Cicisse..." "You shouldn't have done it!" "Easy now!" "Let me give you a peck!" "Another peck!" "And another peck!" "It's been nights and nights that I've been waiting for you to come down have a chat with me with your turkey noises..." "I'm here, Mr. Ratinier!" "You talk?" "!" "You talk?" "!" "You called me, I came!" "I called you..." "I called you... sort of... because, in that case, Chérasse called your too!" "You called me... more clearly than him!" "Nom di Diou, let's guzzle a "canon"!" "But... how did you learn our language?" "By listening to your people... every day, every hour, every minute..." "I come from planet Oxo..." "Really?" "A wee little planet, not even mentioned on your maps..." "If you knew how happy I am to see you again, my little fellow...!" "Me too, Mr. Ratinier!" "Listen, it's not because I could be your grandfather that you have to call me Mister..." "It's over, calling me Mister..." "I'm your age, Mr. Ratinier..." "Are you making fun of me, buddy?" "Geez, no..." "I'm 70, like you..." "But on Oxo, there's almost no change in us from beginning to end..." "It serves no purpose to change your appearance..." "Of course, it's useless..." "But down here, nobody asks us, we have to go through it..." "Take a look at me!" "There are others..." "look!" "A little "canon"!" "A "canon" is a wee drop of red wine!" "I understood that... it's a word that's often used in your language" "No thank you, I won't drink a " canon"..." "Well, maybe you people don't age much, but you don't have much fun either!" "We don't have any fun, as you say..." "Not one bit... never!" "This is much better than getting your ass kicked!" "My soup, please..." "I'm in a hurry!" "I'm on a mission." "Let's go!" "Smell that... doesn't it smell great?" "!" "It smells of gardens, it smells of stables... it smells of the four seasons, it smells of the earth... the earrrrrrth, the EARRRRTH, "La Denrrrrée"..." "It smells of the earth after the raining..." "Over here, you don't say "the rain", you say "the raining", because it's even wetter!" "The earth... after "the raining"!" "That's it... spoken like a true "houmme" (man)!" "I speak like a true "houmme"?" "Come on, taste this..." "It's getting better and better, Le Glaude!" "Oh, you called me Le Glaude... that gives me pleasure!" "That proves that you're warm all over!" "Yes, Le Glaude..." "Oh, by the way, how did they find my soup up there?" "It has been found... dangerous!" "Dangerous?" "!" "Nobody has ever died from my soup!" "It's the first time I've ever heard anybody say that!" "That my soup is potentially lethal!" "Don't shout, Le Glaude!" "It's precisely because it's good that it's dangerous!" "I don't get it!" "I don't get it at all!" "I'm going to explain, Le Glaude..." "On Oxo... we number 10,000 total, not one more, not one less!" "and we all live till age 200..." "We don't die in the way you understand... but it would take too long to explain." "Apart from us, on Oxo, there is no animal life." "There is no vegetal life, either." "Not that it's impossible, but it's unnecessary." "We feed on mineral extracts..." "You understand, Le Glaude?" "So you suck stones..." "We form a perfect society, and that's why we want to make sure that your soup presents no danger of decadence and sapping our energy." "But since my soup is dangerous, don't touch it!" "Why does it bother you, my soup?" "And why do you obsess over it?" "If we knew that, we wouldn't have created a commission of inquiry!" "Do you know, Le Glaude, that your soup is the only thing they talk about, on Oxo?" "Really?" "Oh yes, Le Glaude!" "Ah, it's the picture of my Francine... on our wedding day..." "I had thick hair then, and Francine had pink thighs..." "She was beautiful, my Francine..." "Don't you think, La Denrée, that she was very cute?" "Yes, Le Glaude..." "They're not all bad, those creatures..." "Sometimes you can see in them a glimpse of Paradise..." "That happened to me, with Francine..." "Tiny glimpses..." "She died, God's poor little child... 10 years ago..." "She was barely 60..." "I miss her very much, La Denrée..." "Come!" "You see..." "I cut a lock from my Francine's hair... just before they closed the coffin's lid..." "When I called you "Le Glaude"... you told me it gave you..."pleasure"..." "What is..."pleasure"?" "How would I know?" "What kind of question is that?" "Pleasure is...pleasure!" "It's like soup, red wine..." "Would it give you "pleasure" to see Francine again?" "Oh!" "It's not decent to laugh about those matters!" "Down here, we respect the dead..." "Are you in your right mind?" "I'm sorry, Le Glaude...!" "My soup!" "But tell me, you still have 130 years to live...!" "Yes, Le Glaude...and you?" "Me?" "10 years tops!" "That's "shorty"!" "Your soup, Le Glaude, I would like to pay for it." "Pay me?" "I'd like to see that!" "Now I'm hurt, La Denrée..." "To talk about money in my home!" "I may not be rich, but I can still offer soup to a guest!" "Money?" "Yes,money...here it's nickels and dimes!" "And we need nickels and dimes over here!" "Nickels and dimes?" "You know what this is?" "It's a golden "louis" (old French coin)." "My uncle Anselme gave it to me as a reward for the high-school diploma I never got!" "Me neither...the licence for the saucer," "I got it on the fourth try." "You're like me, not too sharp!" "Oh, no...can you lend it to me?" "Nom di Diou, a little "canon"!" "No, Le Glaude..." "A little "canon"!" "No, Le Glaude..." "Half a little "canon"!" "No, Le Glaude..." "You'll die a twit, and a twit is an idiot!" "I know that..." "I talk like you, Le Glaude, you taught me!" "But up there, you have leaders, don't you, in your ant-hill?" "We have a Comittee of Heads... five renewable heads..." "Well, when you'll have a drink up your nose..." "You'll be the head of all the heads...you'll be the..." "BIG HEAD!" "Oh...with all your stories you've completely screwed up my mind." "I'm pooped!" "I won't see you off..." "leave the barn open..." "Au revoir, My Glaude, you're a good guy!" "You too, my old "Denrée"!" "Oh, you'll be back soon...?" "!" "Yes, my Glaude!" "Hey, La Denrée...don't forget my "louis" has a return address...!" "Yes!" "But...but..." "I'm telling you... it... it was 3:00 a.m....and... and... and..." "One, two, three..." "Well... what about it?" "OK, let's go!" "Yes...as I was saying, it was 3:00 a.m.... as I felt a pressing need..." "I run out into the garden... and what do I see?" "a...a flying saucer!" "Yes... but it wasn't like the one of the other day... and then a man stepped out of it, holding a milk can... and Le Glaude, he was there..." "I mean Mr Ratinier, as you call him... and they...and they... they hugged each other... and then they ate... cabbage soup!" "You've been resurrected, poor old woman...!" "Le Glaude!" "Le Glaude!" "Le Glaude!" "Someone out there?" "Who... is it...?" "Don't be afraid, it's me!" "La Francine!" "Open up, Le Glaude, it's not warm..." "It... it's not possible!" "Here I am..." "I can see..." "It doesn't scare you too much?" "I..." "I just can believe you're talking to me and you're here!" "Let's not try to understand... we'd go mad!" "You're so beautiful, my Francine!" "I forgot how beautiful you were!" "Don't make fun of me...at my age..." "It's not right to laugh at someone who comes back from where I come..." "I'm still shaking all over..." "Wait...wait..." "Look, La Francine..." "See how beautiful you are..." "Oh La Francine, oh La Francine...!" "Vinegar!" "Vinegar!" "Where's the vinegar?" "Goddamit, where is it...?" "Oh mother...oh mother...!" "This isn't the time to faint!" "My little, little Francine...do you feel better?" "I'm here..." "Le Glaude..." "Le Glaude..." "Don't you recognize me anymore?" "Yes...but how old you are!" "Wait...see how beautiful you are!" "You're not going to cry...?" "!" "I'm so happy!" "Didn't I tell you you were beautiful?" "There...easy..." "I'm beautiful!" "Yes, you're beautiful!" "Very beautiful!" "Very beautiful!" "It's wonderful to be 20!" "I'm sure it's not unpleasant..." "Le Glaude..." "I live..." "I'm hungry..." "I'M HUNGRY!" "5 minutes!" "Thank you, Glaude!" "Turn around!" "Turn around!" "But I've already seen you naked, even when you were you age!" "Don't start bugging me...turn around, I'm asking you...!" "Le Glaude, what are you doing?" "Well..." "I'd like to "arrange" you..." ""Arrange" me?" "Just try and I'll break the potty on your head!" "But, La Francine, you're my wife, and you're allowed to "arrange" your own wife..." "The potty on your head!" "Well, little brothers, that's a good start...!" "Oh well..." "I had to be a dream, Francine's return!" "You're wearing the latest fashion!" "You're right, a real scarecrow!" "You still have that filthy animal!" "It should be shot, this vermin..." "Speaking about vermin, Le Bombé, is he dead yet?" "No, he's not dead, he's sick!" "So, if you see him, tell him you're a great-niece of mine!" "I have to go to Jaligny, I have nothing to wear... give me some money!" "Well, how much do you want?" "Give me whatever I need!" "When you have a wife, you feed and clothe her!" "A wife...a wife...!" "Hey, it's my old-age retirement money!" "Now it's young people's retirement money, little father!" "Where's my bicycle?" "Tell me... what have you done with my bicycle?" "I sold your bike!" "You sold my bike?" "!" "Well, you don't usually pedal in coffins!" "While I'm away, you'll clear the table and wash the dishes!" "And instead of emptying mugs with your crony, you'd better scrub the floor!" "You can't even see the color of the floor tiles anymore!" "Now I won't allow you to speak like that!" "After all, I did bring you beautiful geraniums and beautiful petunias..." "From now on, you won't "arrange" me and no more chores either!" "All my life I've washed the sheets in the river, prepared the fridge..." "That life, I saw nothing of it, it flashed by like lightning without anything..." "So, one life lost, that's enough!" "I'm lucky enough to get a second chance... so I want to have fun, laugh and sing!" "That's it!" "But I must inform you that it's thanks to me that you're alive today!" "If I hadn't farted, you wouldn't be here... because, when I fart, La Denrée arrives right away in his flying saucer!" "Well well, you must have emptied quite a few barrels of cheap wine while I was gone!" "Well, little ones, little brothers, we're off to a real good start!" "Where are you headed?" "To Jaligny..." "Hop in, I'm going there too!" " Let's go!" " Thank you!" "I tore my dress... do I'll find a new one in Jaligny?" "Don't buy a dress, buy a pair of jeans and a T-shirt." "You're not from around here, are you?" "I'm from Moulins, I came to take care of my great-uncle, Glaude Ratinier." "Ha, Ratinier..." "Just put him on a water diet, he'll be cured instantly!" "What's your name?" "Francine..." "Mine is Catherine La Mouette..." "Great weather, don't you think?" "Let's go in, OK!" "Here's a T-shirt..." "Thank you!" "And here you are, pants..." "You have great breasts..." "I wish I had the same..." "Mine, next to yours, look like Laurel and Hardy...!" "Wow, it's superb like that!" "Not at all, it doesn't fit me at all, it's much too tight..." "It's very pretty and, what's more, it'll attract guys like flies..." "Where were you brought up, in the woods?" "There you go!" "You see, your T-shirt fits you like a glove!" "Hey, Catherine!" "Come, come!" "Let me introduce you to Lulu and Robert..." "Francine..." "Well, Lulu, what's going on?" "Step up to the next floor!" "Watch out!" "He's the biggest ladies' man of the gang!" "What's this attire?" "!" "You've lost your marbles, La Francine!" "Are you so hot that you have to go around almost bare-assed?" "It's at the cemetary that you learnt all those bad manners?" "I'm talking to you!" "Ho, you're a slut!" "No, I won't scrub the floor!" "And my change?" "Take it!" "But you've gone soft in the head, to show your ass like that to any passerby!" "But I'm only sunbathing, it's not a crime..." "Anyone could show up!" "So what?" "It's not disgusting!" "Some people pay to see women getting undressed!" "You wouldn't want me to take money for it, would you?" "But it's not done, nom di Diou, nom di Diou, you slut!" "You should have remained 6 ft. under, you vermin!" "It's nice to hear that!" "I've barely been alive 24 hours and you already wish me dead!" "Anyway, you should know before it's your turn to die, that I slept with Le Bombé!" "You slept with Le Bombé?" "You're not amused, are you?" "You'd like to see me back in my grave, wouldn't you?" "Exactly, I slept with Le Bombé!" "When?" "A little while ago?" "Of course not, you twit, not a while ago but when you were a prisoner!" "Touch me and you're dead!" "I was never told..." "We weren't going to tell you..." "Why did you do that?" "I was bored..." "He was bored... you were so far away..." "It was nothing..." "So, in the end, you were just a..." "Not even that..." "I was a lonely woman..." "Forgive me!" "No!" "But that was 40 years ago...!" "For me, that's all new!" "I've just been told I'm a cuckold, and I'm supposed to feel good about it!" "But you can't be a cuckold 40 years after the fact!" "When you came back, it was all over, and I loved you just like before..." "I swear to it!" "It's enough to drive you crazy!" "You mustn't!" "You don't mind if I go out?" "Where to?" "To the ball with Catherine La Mouette..." "The little La Mouette?" "Not that little... we're both 20!" "I'll never get used to your goddamn 20 years old!" "Go dance, have fun and come home whenever you want!" "Thank you, Glaude!" "I'm no longer your husband, your father, your grandfather..." "Yes, but you're a good man, my Glaude!" "I'm off!" "Hands up, Judas!" "Don't be an asshole!" "What's gotten into you?" "What's gotten into me is that I'm a cuckold!" "And by you, vermin!" "But how can you be a cuckold, you don't even have a wife?" "!" "I used to have one, and you "arranged" her when I was a prisoner..." "It never happened, I swear on my mother's head!" "This one is for wild boar... this one, for elephants..." "Now, I'll have your mug go through the wall!" "No, you're right, Glaude!" "I did "arrange" La Francine while you were away..." "How did you do it?" "Well..." "like everybody else..." "I'm not asking for details!" "How did it happen?" "Well... we were bored..." "I... was bored...it was winter, you weren't there..." "I used to chop her wood... she'd bring me a bowl of soup... we'd chat a little... we weren't old...it just happened..." "But we felt guilty, Le Glaude..." "And you did it again?" "Oh... as often as we could!" "But wracked all over by guilt..." "Ahh... you ruined so many nights for us..." "Excuuuuse me!" "Shoot me, Le Glaude!" "Shoot me!" "I don't deserve your forgiveness!" "Shoot me, or I'll hang myself for real!" "And I won't bungle it this time!" "Shoot me!" "I'm just a piece of garbage... a lump of dogshit..." "You can't be a cuckold 40 years after the fact!" "How about a "canon"...?" "Let's drink a "canon"!" "Anyway... my Glaude..." "I have to tell you something..." "I only had one woman, and she was yours..." "I'm going away, my Glaude, but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to you..." "You're going away?" "To Paris." "To Paris?" "You're crazy!" "It's the only place we'll find work, with Robert..." "Do you know at least if he's a good man?" "I'll find out over time..." "If it doesn't pan out, I'll change..." "You're not too hurt that I'm going away?" "You...you have to follow your own mind..." "Exactly...our minds are not alike anymore, we would just yell at each other.." "Don't you agree?" "You're the only one I've ever loved, La Francine..." "Same with me..." "Le Bombé, I never loved him, you know?" "I know that now..." "You have to be as happy as can be...!" "You're not mad at me?" "Why should I be mad at you, my little girl?" "I have to kiss you, my Glaude..." "Oh, I stink of wine..." "Don't talk nonsense!" "I wish you... all the happiness, my Francine..." "Me too, my Glaude..." "La Denrée, La Denrée...oh, I wasn't expecting you!" "But what's all this?" "I've been promoted..." "I'm not Oxian 2nd class anymore, I'm Oxian 1st class now!" "And thanks to you, Le Glaude!" "Thanks to me?" "Yes, thanks to your soup!" "They gave me the flying saucer that takes two hours instead of three!" "Now didn't I tell you you would be promoted, didn't I tell you?" "!" "And that you had to start drinking "canons" to climb all over their heads, those "five heads" of yours!" "If you have any ambition..." "Oh no..." "If you have any ambition... you'll get there..." "Over here, the bigwigs only drink wine... but not your lowly soldier's wine... but wine corked and sealed... that we couldn't afford for ourselves... since we're the ones who make them pay for it!" "Come on, come on!" "Oh, I say, little buddy, I really could have done without you resurrecting my poor wife!" "It caused such a ruckus and, worse, such misery!" "I couldn't predict that, Le Glaude!" "Oh well, I'm not mad at you... if that makes her happy, I thank you anyway, for her sake..." "My Claude, I'm giving you back your golden Louis!" "My old Denrée...!" "My old Glaude...!" "But there's millions... millions..." "BILLIONS!" "It's just two minutes' work for a wee chemistry student!" "Help me, help me..." "Le Glaude...!" "From analysis to analysis, we have concluded that your soup is a soup called "pleasure"..." "So it's not poisonous anymore...?" "!" "Right now we are testing how to smile... since a smile is the outward expression of "pleasure"!" "It's a considerable event... a revolution!" "Le Glaude...!" "You must absolutely come live with us since you know how to plant cabbage and none other could manage!" "He's gone batty!" "He's gone batty!" "He's gone batty!" "He's gone batty!" "He's gone batty!" "No, I'm not batty!" "Oxo is a planet with oxygen, where you'll live to be 200, free of sickness and infirmity!" "And when you'll be up there... you'll still have 130 years to live, instead of 10, with lots of luck!" "He is baaaaatty!" "But I don't see myself living 130 years without a drink or a smoke... with a stone for lunch, a capsule for supper..." "I'd rather drag myself, for the next 5 or 10 years, from my cool cellar to my beautiful garden!" "Oxo?" "Earth!" "Oxo?" "Earth!" "Earth!" "Oxo?" "You're getting scolded, aren't you?" "!" "Not at all!" "A fleet of spaceships will deliver to Oxo everything you'll ever need during your long life!" "Including tobacco and wine, garanteed to be free of mold and growths!" "I'll never set foot on your shitty dump!" "Do you understand?" "There!" "If you think I'm going to leave my house... and forget about Le Bombé who's my best friend... then you're insane, fit to be tied with rope for towing tractors!" "But Mr. Chérasse can go with you, since you can't reproduce yourselves!" "You take me for a fool, don't you?" "And our cat, there, who is going through the misery of old age, we'd let him die all alone, without the slightest caress?" "Is he in danger of dying?" "Absolutely right!" "He's 13, and he's in danger of not reaching 14!" "If I did that, I could never shave without spitting on my face in the mirror!" "You can bring him along too...!" "He'll live to be 200 years old, like you and me..." "You're just like old women, you always have the last word..." "You twist my arteries..." "We shouldn't have farted that night, and you wouldn't have been drawn to this place, like a fly to a pile of shit!" "Do you really mean it, Le Glaude, what you've just said?" "Perfectly!" "You shouldn't, because, me, I like you, Le Glaude..." "Even if they often chide me on Oxo that it's bad luck to like people..." "That's what they tell you, your savages?" "Well, me too, I like you, La Denrée!" "And I'm not ashamed of it!" "So you really do like me, Le Glaude?" "Yeeeees, my old Denréééée...!" "Ahhh...nom di Diou, nom di Diou..." "Pour me a "canon", Le Glaude!" "How's that?" "Don't you get it?" "Pour me a "canon", nom di Diou!" "Minute!" "A "canon", get this, is not only wine, but friendship too!" "Ahhh...nom di Diou!" "Le Glaude!" "Back home there are only crazies in the government... and I'm going to replace them all by myself... and boot them out with kicks in the ass!" "Get it?" "What do you think, Le Glaude?" "I think you're already quite drunk and that you should go back up there before it's too late!" "Here you go..." "Your box!" "The Comittee of Heads has authorized me to leave it with you in order to speak with you at any time..." "Wh..what would I do with it, I can barely wind up a watch!" "You won't have to touch it..." "Whenever we'll want to talk, it'll light up, that's all!" "But Le Bombé, when he'll see this gizmo, he'll..." "He won't see it, the box..." "It'll be invisible to him..." "It is tuned only to your personal airwaves, yours only!" "A kiss, Le Glaude!" "Bye-bye now...my old Denrée..." "See who's here!" "Mr. Mayor!" "Ah, my children, I have news!" "Come... news... come!" "Good morning, Mr. Mayor!" "The prefecture has just authorized a large construction project for Les Gourdiflots!" "We're getting it, our new town, our entertainment park..." "The bulldozers attack tomorrow!" "Economic expansion, it's the wealth of the community!" "Aimée, drinks all around!" "To your health!" "We can't hear ourselves talk!" "We're going to treat ourselves to a good dose of "perniflard"!" "Oh nom di Diou!" "The Mayor!" "Good morning, Mr. Mayor..." "Well then..." "You didn't want to see Mr. Mayor, eh...?" "Ah, you old-timers..." "Ooooh...not a dull moment, eh?" "Hands on the "apéro", and it's not even noon...!" "So this is how old workers while away their retirement!" "You'll drink a toast with us, won't you?" "That's an offer I can't refuse!" "Anyway, Mr. Mayor, what brings you over... no problems, I hope..." "Oh no, it's more like good news!" "Wait!" "... wait!" "I have to explain the situation as it is!" "Maybe you haven't heard, since you live away from the village... but what this community needs is economic expansion!" "What all French villages lack is... economic expansion!" "And what is more, an economic expansion that will create jobs!" "That's something that didn't exist in your youth!" "My dear co-citizens and friends, listen carefully, it concerns you..." "You know about the housing project "Les Gourdiflets"?" "Oh, our ears are still ringing...!" "Well, to make this housing project complete, we're going to create right here, where you live, an entertainment park!" "There'll be restaurants, pubs, swings, everything you need to have fun!" "For everything, people will have to pay!" "They'll have to take out their wallets every two minutes!" "Instead of Le Glaude's shack... a parking lot 4000 cars!" "And instead of Le Glaude's fields... 10,000 beach chairs and intelligent music!" "And instead of my shack, what's there going to be?" ""The Rock of the Monkeys"!" "Get the hell out!" "You piece of shit... get the hell out!" "Ah, I warned them at the municipal coucil that you would be troublemakers, just to spite us!" "If you weren't old and sick, I would have you expropriated!" "But don't laugh too soon, Chérasse and Ratinier very soon we'll win!" "The bulldozers and the shovels, they'll be roaring in your ears, I guarantee you that!" "Out!" "Human wrecks...pile of old bones..." "Me!" "Out?" "You'll be happy on Sundays when people will watch you through the fence and will throw you peanuts for fun, old wrecks!" "I told you so, that I'd make your life hell, old fossils... and when you'll be at the cemetary, our community, having gotten rid of you deadweights will finally be able to spread the wings of economic expansion!" "Old fossils!" "I'll cook your goose, I will!" "The two nitwits!" "The two nitwits!" "The two nitwits!" "..." "Oh no, no, no..." "I can't anymore..." "I can't anymore..." "No, no,no..." "It's over, it's over, its over..." "Wait..a little "canon"!" "a little "canon"..." "Tell me, Cicisse, how would you like to live 200 years?" "You're talking nonsense..." "No, I'm just asking you one single thing... would you like to live till age 200?" "Well, certainly not here!" "That's the thing...it wouldn't happen here..." "Would it be on the moon, I'd pack up my bundle right away!" "Only one thing would bother me, my Glaude: to leave you here, drinking all by yourself... for 130 years!" "That's why we'd leave together, with the cat too!" "He too would live to be 200?" "Of course!" "So you agree?" "Yes!" "..." "Yes!" "..." "Yes!" "Mon Gla!" "Let's get the hell out, Mon Gla!" "Oxo?" "Earth!" "Oxo?" "Earth!" "OXO?" "EARTH!" "You're there, La Denrée?" "I'm here, Le Glaude!" "La Denrée, there's news!" "Le Bombé is willing to go, and with the cat!" "And you, Le Glaude?" "Well, if the cat and Le Bombé leave, I follow them, of course!" "At last, at last, you give me "pleasure", Le Glaude!" "Le Bombé is here, talk to him!" "So, tinker with you airwaves so he can hear you and see the box!" "I'm calling back in 2 minutes!" "OK, I'll bring him over!" "Sit yourself here so you won't hit the floor with your ass!" "Look!" "..." "Look!" "I can't see anything..." "I can't hear anything..." "Shut up!" "Don't disturb the airwaves!" "Look!" "Mr. Chérasse..." "Mr. Chérasse..." "Oxo!" "Earth?" "Oxo!" "Earth?" "This is La Denrée...are you there, Mr. Chérasse?" "Say yes, dummy!" "Well, yes...it's me..." "Don't be afraid, Mr. Chérasse!" "I'm not afraid..." "Do you want to live 200 years, Mr. Chérasse?" "I'd be very grateful..." "Ahhh, I'm so happy, Mr. Chérasse, with your decision!" "Happy...happy!" "I'll come tonight at midnight for your departure..." "Le Glaude!" "You'll introduce to me Mr. Chérasse!" "Yes!" "Will there be soup?" "We'll make some!" "Will there be a little "canon" to drink?" "There'll even be two!" "See you soon, Mr. Chérasse!" "So that's it!" "What do you say, old nut?" "I'd like to..." "I'd like to..." "If I don't drink a "canon" right away..." "I'll be in a bad way!" "I'm going to the post-office!" "You'll be back, won't you?" "You won't leave me all alone..." "In one minute!" "Madame......registered......" "Francine!" "There's registered mail for you, I signed for you... so, put it aside and come back on the double!" "My dear Francine, I'm going on a trip, it would take too long to explain..." "Here are a 3 or 4 pennies that I'm sending you... because where I'm going, they're not needed... which is not your case..." "Put them in a savings account, where they'll multiply..." "Don't show them to your motorcyclist... it's not because you know me that you know men..." "Beware of them like cholera, they're all liars,... thieves, and the like..." "I kiss you tenderly, and repeat once more Be happy!" "Your old Glaude." "Let me introduce..." "Mr. La Denrée Mr. Chérasse..." "Hop in!" "~~~~~~~~~ --==Pi.=="