"Jake." "Jake of diamonds." "Jake k-L-M-N-O-P." "Huh?" "Oh." "Are you still thinking about that girl?" "Ever since i saw her star in the school play" "I can't think of nothin' else." "What do they call this temptress?" "Her name is..." "Laura." "And how does..." "laura..." "Feel about...jake?" "She doesn't know i'm alive." "No problem." "You walk up to her and say," ""Hi, i'm jake ochmonek." "Feel my pulse."" "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment" "Hi, guys, what's up?" "Jake's got the flying hots" "For this girl at school." "But anytime he gets near her, he spaces." "Alf!" "Did i leave something out?" "Kate, you're good at unsolicited advice." "Tell jake what to do." "Well..." "Maybe it would be easier" "If you called this girl on the phone." "I could, but if i did, i'd die." "Well, if it would be any help at all," "You could practice on me." "It wouldn't be the same, mrs." "Tanner." "Laura's much more..." "She's beautiful." "I see." "You've got a way with women." "You don't understand." "Sure i do." "Hey, i was once hooked on a babe named rhonda." "When i tried to say "hi" to her" "I sounded like gomer pyle." "Talking, not singing." "What'd you do?" "I wrote her letters from a secret admirer." "I don't think i could do that." "Ok, then let me write it for you." "I...don't know." "Come on, jake, let me make your love connection." "Think of me as your wooly chuck woolery." "Ok, maybe just one." "Great." "Hi, alf." "[Tools clinking]" "Willie, what's another word for beautiful?" "Um, attractive." "What's another word for attractive?" "Uh...alluring." "What's another word for alluring?" "Annoying." "What's another word for annoying?" "Alf." "That won't work." "It doesn't rhyme with "oh, baby."" "What are you working on there?" "This is a missive of love on behalf of young jake ochmonek." "Jake?" "Is in love?" "Disgustingly so." "But he thinks of himself as just another" "Scrawny, gawky, geeky kid." "Oh..." "You remember the feeling, willie." "Ah..." "You better be careful, alf." "You can get into trouble playing cyrano." "Is that like monopoly?" "No, i'm talking about cyrano de bergerac." "It's a play." "I've got a copy of it somewhere." "It's a classical french play about a man named christian" "Who falls in love with a beautiful woman," "But he's too embarrassed to talk to her." "That sounds like jake." "Exactly--So he gets his friend cyrano" "To--To write a letter to the girl for him" "Because cyrano is so gifted and sensitive." "And that sounds like me." "Cyrano's a great romantic," "But he is ashamed to talk to women" "In person because he's got a very big" "And they all lived happily ever after." "Whoa, whoa--Big, big, big--Big what?" "[Mumbling] um, oh, nose." "Huh?" "Um, nose." "What?" "Very large nose." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "Well, i thought i--I mean, i--I thought, uh" "You thought i might be offended" "Because this cyrano guy had a jumbo hooter," "And i happen to take a husky in snout warmers?" "Uh, yes." "No problem." "I'm not that vain." "Oh, i'm sorry, alf." "I--I guess i misjudged you." "Thanks, 4 eyes." ""And what is a kiss?" ""A sacrament of roses," "The ring of a single horizon around 2 souls,"" "4 lips, slobbering like a dog on raw beef." "Hi, alf." "Not alf." "Cyrano de melmac." "I use my powers of romance to help those not so blessed." "In this case," "I'm snagging a chick for jake." ""Well, i must go." "Pardon i cannot stay." "My moonbeam comes to--" Uhh" "Excuse us." "Laura told her friend lizzie," "Who told her friend terry," "Who told my friend andrew's sister suzanne," "Who told andrew" "Jake!" "Find the runway" "And set her down." "She liked the letter." "Yes!" "Especially the part where you compared" "Her skin to vanilla ice cream" "Under the hot fudge of her hair." "I've still got it." "Laura's very curious about her secret admirer." "So, uh, i was thinking of actually maybe saying something to her." "Danger, will robinson." "But you said when she takes the bait, i should reel her in." "How's this" "My prescription for love is a letter a day for the next 5 days." "If you think it's necessary..." "Trust me." "I'll have her running through the streets screaming your name." "If the cops don't pick her up," "She'll be yours." "[Romantic music plays]" "Alf." "[Music stops] jake." "What's another word for beautiful?" "Enough with the synonyms." "We got problems." "Talk to me." "This morning i saw laura" "Walking along, you know, like an ordinary person." "She's very versatile." "I tried to talk to her." "Oh, no!" "I tried to be like, you know, what's the word" "Glib?" "Right, and, uh, real" "Smooth?" "Uh-Huh, and, uh, whatchamacallit?" "Suave." "Yeah." "You sounded like gomer pyle." "I sounded like jerry lewis." "Now i can never tell her i'm her secret admirer." "You gotta help me." "Maybe i can..." "We have to find out where laura will be later today." "All right, 4:00 she has a piano lesson, 5:15 at the library writing a paper" "Harriet tubman, runaway slave, 6:30 dinner at home, pot roast." "After that, homework, tv, probably l.A. Law." "Thank you, jake edgar hoover." "What's her address?" "111 hicks street." "Just 2 blocks away." "2 blocks, 13 feet." "Just meet me there at 10:00 tonight, ask no questions." "Wait, what are we gonna do?" "That's a question." "Just be there." "Tonight--Cyrano de melmac makes romance history." "I'll get that later." "[Whistling]" "[Monkey sounds]" "[Whispering] alf!" "No, i'm a whippoorwill." "What are we doing here?" "We're going to woo the fair laura." "I'm 15--I can't woo." "Romeo was 15." "Yeah, and he never saw 16." "Here's the plan" "You shall proclaim your love to the object of your desire" "As i remain veiled" "In night's velvet cloak of darkness kibitzing." "[Banging]" "Alf!" "Is someone out there?" "[Whimpering]" "Laura:" "fluffy, is that you?" "It is i, your secret admirer." "Huh?" "Tell her!" "It is i, your secret admirer." "I can't see you, come into the light." "No." "Why not?" "Because i am too lowly to dare ask for you," "Therefore my heart hides behind phrases." "And my liver hides behind 3 of my stomachs." "You've got 3 stomachs?" "Uh...one to digest mere food," "One to get queasy when you're near," "And one more, leading nowhere, just for show." "Wow, you're good." "Wait." "Aw, she's beautiful." "On melmac, she'd be a definite papoon." "What's a papoon?" "The number right after 10." "These are the nicest letters i've ever gotten." "I read them over and over." "You do?" "What?" "Uh, i said, you do?" "Yes, i do." "Wow..." "I can tell from the way you write" "That you're very special." "I get the feeling you're different from other guys." "I am!" "Alf!" "What's going on?" "Uh, i'm telling myself that i've said too much." "Shut up" "I'm sayin' to myself." "But i'm not listening." "You sound different, i'm coming down." "No, no, wait." "Alf!" "Yes..." "Hide." "You can't hide from love." "Her dad's a cop." "That you can hide from." "Ohh!" "Alf!" "Who's back here?" "Ehh..." "It's me, your secret admirer." "Didn't i see you this morning?" "Uh...no, that couldn't...i wasn't" "You were cute." "That was me." "What's your name?" "Jake." "Hi, jake." "Hi." "Uh, you want to go to a movie, or something saturday?" "Ok." "All right!" "Can i walk you home?" "Sure." "So, you like l.A. Law, huh?" "Yeah, especially the couple" "With the short guy and the tall woman." "[Whispering] yes!" "Ok, alf, there's only one more thorn," "But this one's in kind of deep." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Ready." "Ohh." "All done." "That's it?" "That didn't hurt so mu--Aah!" "Sorry, alf." "No problem." "You realize you took a big risk going out like that." "I know." "But it was very noble of you to want to help jake." "Thank you from the heart of my bottom." "You know, speaking those words of love tonight..." "Made me realize that i'll never be with rhonda." "Well, maybe someday you will, alf." "No, don't humor me, katherine." "Cyrano and i are both doomed to spend our lives without a mate." "At least he got to jump around with a sword and wear feathers." "I don't like to see you like this, alf." "Don't worry about me." "Ahh..." "I'll tell you what." "What if we go out back, dig a big hole," "Muddy it up, and then you jump in?" "No, thank you." "Well, how about if i go out in the kitchen right now" "And make your favorite dish" "Everything, with everything on it?" "I'm not hungry." "Isn't there anything you want?" "I just want to wallow in self-Pity for a while." "We'll give you some privacy." "But if you happen to be near a video store," "Would you mind renting me something?" "Well, certainly, what do you want?" "Love story." "Ok." "And wuthering heights." "Yeah, sure." "And the break-Up episode of joanie loves chachi." "All right, willie, what's so important?" "I was watching love story." "You know the death scene is considerably" "More depressing in slow motion." "Alf, you've gotta cheer up." "No..." "I am destined to live a retched existence..." "Barren of love." "I am cyrano." "You're nothing like cyrano." "Look more closely." "Physical characteristics notwithstanding." "You see, for all his poetry, cyrano wasn't able" "To tell people close to him how he really felt." "You, on the other hand, can and do," "At all hours." "That's true." "And you've got something else" "Something that might have saved cyrano's life." "You have the ability to laugh at yourself." "Well, i do have that ability, don't i?" "Ha!" "Haaa!" "Now all i need is a woman." "I think i got that covered." "I don't want kate." "No, look..." "I've attached the ham radio to the satellite dish." "And i've pointed the dish toward the andromeda galaxy." "[Radio static]" "Very nice, willie," "You win the science fair." "No--No...don't you see?" "You'll be able to send a message to rhonda." "Your words will travel right across the cosmos," "And then if she's tuned into the right frequency," "She'll hear you." "Oh." "Ok." "Um...hi." "Hi, rhonda." "It's me...i" "Ahem." "I--I read a play about this guy with a big nose," "And, uh, it seems he can't have the woman he loves." "Remind you of anybody?" "I was wondering if you got any letters from a secret admirer" "And if you liked them." "If you did, they were from me." "If you didn't like them," "What letters?" "Anyway, i hope you're ok." "I never told you this before, but..." "You're a definite papoon." "Well, bye." "That was beautiful, alf." "Uh, i assume." "Thanks, willie." "I can see clearly now." "The rain has gone." "I can see all popsicles in my way." "I'm glad." "You know, it's gonna take 146 years" "For that message to get anywhere near andromeda." "Oh, alf, i didn't think about that." "I'm sorry." "Nah, it's ok." "That's twice as fast as melmackian express mail." "Ha ha!" "Hi, alf, hi, dad." "Willie: hi, brian." "Alf: hi." "Dad, can you fix this whistle?" "Well, what's wrong with it?" "Listen." "[Thud]" "Let me see that." "Well, brian, this is a dog whistle." "Only dogs can hear that." "Really?" "[Thud]" "Alf: dogs and melmackians." "You can hear that?" "Oh, yeah!" "Well, that's amazing." "What did it sound like?" "Kind of like a freight train" "Running through the middle of my head" "Dragging richard simmons." "[Door bell chimes]" "Jake:" "hello, it's jake." "Oh, come on in, jake." "Hi." "Brian:" "hi, jake." "Willie: hi." "So how went the big date?" "It went...pretty ok." "Well, that's not a very glowing report," "Was there some problem?" "Well, she's real nice and everything." "But she's got this laugh" "It's kinda high-Pitched and it's kinda whiny." "It's kind of annoying." "So you're gonna dump laura because of her laugh?" "I'll probably go out with her again," "But, uh, not to anything funny." "Nothing sounds that bad." "You said that does." "Ehh!" "Jake, stop!" "Let me have that whistle." "Sorry, alf, did that bother you?" "Actually, i'm getting to like it." "Alf: oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment" "Alf: ah ha ha!"