"Stay sharp, guys." "We gotta win tonight." "We cannot go to game seven." "Sure we can." "The tournament's the best of seven, so we definitely can go to game seven." "Had you said, "I prefer not going to game seven"" "or "we shan't go to game seven,"" "that would have been more accurate." "And more eloquent." "Whatever." "These tournament games go on late, and I wake Theresa when I get in bed, which she hasn't been happy about." "I'd really like to wrap this up tonight, so I need you to focus." "You got it, buddy." "So, Kenny, how's the new egg chair?" "Fantasteesh." "I put in surround sound and a butt warmer." "I got a beverage tube." "It's like a giant robot chicken laid this just for my comfort." "So we're not gonna focus then?" "Of course we are." "Hey, craigger, how's the new girl?" "Does she really just like watching you play video games?" "Yep." "She is great." "We are talking about you, sunshine." "Focus, honey." "You don't want this tournament going to game seven." "Yeah." "That's how Will should have said it." "I'm taking fire, guys." "Who's got my back?" "Where are you?" "I'm reloading the sangria reservoir." "I'm totally focused, bill." "And we're going to game seven." "I thought we were gonna try and wrap this up tonight!" "isn't it fantastic?" "I've wanted a family portrait like this ever since we had kids." "My goodness." "Why are you all so small and flat?" " I'm just kidding." " That's my impression of the first guy who ever saw a painting." "Looks like the artist got a little generous with your cleavage." "Yeah, he insisted my body type could handle it." "He said I'll get used to them." "Yeah." "Good morning." "That's a nice-looking family gathered around those boobs." "How'd you sleep?" "Terrible." "You woke me up when you finally came to bed, and the neighbor's stupid motion detector light was going off again all night, shining in our window." "Our new neighbor is a jerk." "It's not just the light." "Every time the kids lose a ball over his fence, he refuses to give it back." "I have no tolerance for that." "Will, you need to go over there and get your balls back." "I know that sounds like a metaphor, but it is not, because that man has your actual balls, which also sounds like a metaphor and also is not." "I talked to him." "Believe me, we really went at it." " Hi, Glenn." " What?" "So I-I was trying to fish my kids' balls out of your backyard with my rake, and so n-now you also have my rake..." "And my longer rake, and... okay." "Well, at least your stupid video game tournament is over so I don't have to worry about you waking me up anymore." "Yeah, about that..." "The tournament's not actually over." "You said it was only gonna be six games." "I overestimated my team's focus..." "In that I thought they had any." "But it's okay." "I don't have to play tonight." "I mean, the... you know, the guys are super excited about it, and it only happens once a year, but..." "I can skip it," "Even though it's just one more night..." "And I love it." "Thank you, honey." "I appreciate it." "You told her you weren't gonna play?" "Why would you do that?" "This tournament is as important as anything we will ever do in our lives, right?" "If anything, you're understating it." "You know, guys, we wouldn't even have this problem if you'd had my back last night instead of making out with your new girlfriend and messing with your sangria tank." "There was a chunk of orange stuck in my drinking tube." "Did you want me to just leave it there?" "It could have choked me, Will." "You are unbelievable." "First you endanger our entire tournament, and now you want Kenny to die?" "What is wrong with you?" "I got it." "I got the solution." "Fortunately for you, I'm a pharmaceutical rep..." "With a bagful of tricks, one of which is..." "Wonunol." ""When you can't sleep, take Wonunol." ""Remember..." "Wonunol." "Take one... y'all." "Yee-haw!" "Sleep."" "They're still working on the campaign." "Anyway, it's all natural." "There's no hangover, and it's tiny, so you can hide one in Theresa's applesauce." "I'm not gonna hide drugs in my wife's food." "Come on." "But don't worry." "I'm gonna play tonight." "I'll just lie to Theresa and tell her I'm not going to, then I'll wear my silk pajamas, and when she's asleep," "I'll slip out of bed like a ninja, a comfortable ninja who's used to the finer things." "I finished my homework." "Can I go to bed early?" "Are you sneaking out tonight?" "Stealing a car?" "Hitting the clubs?" "No, I just ate too much pie, and I want to go to bed." "Nathan, it's okay." "Your father's just kidding." "Of course you can go to bed." "You got a girl up there?" "Mom!" "It's too easy." "Lucy, you go get ready, too." "I'll be right up." "God, I haven't slept more than two hours in a row this week." "If anyone wakes me up again tonight," "I swear I'm gonna kill them to death, and please don't wear those silk pajamas you took out." "Really?" "Why not?" "Well, they get all staticky, and then I keep getting shocked." "I feel like I'm sleeping with someone who's trying to get information out of me." "You know, I was talking to Kenny about your problem, and... and he's kinda like a doctor, and he gave me this..." "Thing." "It's supposed to be this great new..." "Sleep supplement or something." "You trying to knock me out so you can play your stupid video game?" "What?" "I told you, I am not playing tonight." "I'm just trying to help you sleep, and this pill's supposed to be amazing." "I don't like pills." "It's not a pill." "It's really more of, an organic sleep vitamin with metabolism-boosting, uh, anti-aging... molecules." "I think one of the actresses from "mad men" takes it." "Really?" "That is a smart show." "We are good to go, and we still have an hour to practice before the tournament starts." "So Theresa's sleeping?" "Yep." "I got her to take the Wonunol." "That'll do it." "That thing was originally developed as a horse tranquilizer." "They just changed the formula for humans..." "By cutting it in half." "You gave my wife a horse tranquilizer?" "No, you gave your wife half a horse tranquilizer." "Will, it's fine." "Trust in science." "Pills make everything better." "In ten years, we won't even need people anymore." "It'll just be pills giving each other pills." "Yeah, there'll be pill police officers." "There'll be pill firemen." "The pill president." "He'll be pill Clinton." "Dad?" "I threw up pie..." "Lots and lots of pie, more pie than I ate." "Did she say she threw a pie?" "It's all right, honey." "Guys, I might have a situation." "Dad, I don't feel so well." "Will, what's going on over there?" "I definitely have a situation." "That sound." "God, I miss college." "Just gonna throw these sheets in the wash, kids." "Stay in the bathroom and aim for anything porcelain." "What are you guys doing here?" "We knew your hands were full, so we brought the tvs over so you can play." "And we've still got a half an hour till the game starts, so, we're gonna teach grant how to play, and then he can sub in for you when you get distracted by the disgusting vomitorium that is your home." "Although I've never done this before," "I will not let you down." "My only question is..." "I deplore violence... is there a button on here for diplomacy?" "We've got your back, Will." "You don't have my back." "You just don't want to bail on the tournament." "Don't do this, Will." "Not in front of Gina." "This is Gina." "Hey, Will." "I'm Gina." "Don't do this in front of me." "Come on, man." "I drove all the way here with my egg chair on top of my car." "If that's not having your back, I don't know what is." "That's not having my back!" "Then I don't know what is!" "Guys, the game is not really my priority right now." "My kids have a stomach bug, somebody drugged my wife..." "You." "And I'm gonna go start some laundry." "You have a lovely house." "Do you mind if I look around?" "Yeah, sure." "I just met you." "Wander around my home." "Dad, can I have a glass of water?" "I got this, Will." "I have a soothing effect on the infirm and, for some reason, the downtrodden and every once in a while, the misbegotten." "So... do you like Gina?" "Yeah, sure." "Why not?" "She told me not to tell anybody, but she's a kleptomaniac." "She has claws instead of hands?" "No, that's not what a kleptomaniac is." "It's somebody who has a compulsion to steal things." "It's a disease." "Well, if she has a stealing disease, should we be letting her walk around Will's house looking for things to steal?" "According to her therapist," "I'm supposed to show her that I trust her." "Besides, Will doesn't have anything that great anyway." "I'm a bumblebee, and I need to see the moon, because it helps me navigate." "Karate chop!" "That was weird." "And she's naked from the waist down." "That's very unlike her." "I think I need to check something online." "Hey." "So, um, Craig's keeping an eye on the kleptomaniac." "What?" "Right." "Let me back up." "Hey, Will..." "Gina's a kleptomaniac." " What?" " I know!" "But you've got a bigger problem." "Theresa's up." "God!" "What... no..." "Did she see all the game stuff?" "I am so busted." "You said she was gonna sleep all night!" "I didn't say she's awake." "I said she's up." "I just went online, and I did a little research on Wonunol." "One of the occasional side effects is walking around in a dream state with no pants on, due to an insatiable urge to air-cool the lower torso, commonly called "winnie the poohing."" "And that's what she's doing?" "Very much so." "That's a nice vase." "Man, Will and Theresa would really miss that vase if anybody took it, which I'm sure no one will." "Thank you." "It feels so great when you trust me." "Here." "I want to give you back your meat thermometer." "This is not mine, but thank you." "Don't steal the vase." "Don't steal the vase." "Don't steal the vase." "Don't steal the vase." "Don't steal the vase." "Don't steal the vase." "Hello?" "No." "Where's Theresa?" "She sent me an e-mail asking me if I wanted to make pancakes with sting." "Obviously, yes, I do, but something just didn't seem right." "Everything's fine." "False alarm." "Go back to your witch farm." "Is that my egg chair?" "Did you take that out of my garage?" "No, that is my egg chair that you spitefully took in our divorce that you never use." "You told your friends I have kleptomania!" "It's nothing to be ashamed of." "It's the most common mania to have, after wrestle and beatle." "What was that?" "That was Craig." "You know Craig." "The kids are back in bed." "Why are you here?" "Hello, Brenda." "I won't insult your intelligence." "There's some tomfoolery going on around here, and I'm up to my ankles in it." "You..." "Brenda!" "Theresa and I... we were, uh, just out for a walk, but, she's tired and so won't be speaking." "Good evening, madam." "Your table is almost ready." "Except for that." "Well, good night." "Give us back our balls!" "Hey, Will." "We got your back." "God." "Now what did you do?" "They told me everything." "We tried not to, but then she asked." "Look, Wonunol's been tested extensively, and patients don't remember a thing the next morning." "Of course, most of those patients were horses, but still, we should be fine as long as Brenda keeps her vodka chute shut." "Yeah, that's winning me over." "Brenda, it would really be good if Theresa didn't know that I talked her into taking an all-natural clydesdale roofie." "I won't say a thing..." "Daddy, I threw up in my bed again!" "Coming, honey!" "I'll even help with the kids, as long as assquatch gives me back my chair in its original condition before Theresa wakes up." "What?" "!" "No way." "That's a terrible deal, guys." "Let's walk." "Hey, wait." "Come on." "Kenny!" "You're on the hook for this, too." "If Theresa finds out what happened, she will hold you down and force you to slap your own face, just like she did last Christmas." "Yeah, why wouldn't that happen to me?" "Hey." "Did Will ask you to do that to his floor?" "No, I was looking for some tools so I could dismember my chair so my sister won't make me slap myself in the face again!" "Have you seen Gina?" "No!" "Do you know how to clean paint off of a hardwood floor?" "!" "No!" "See, you don't like it when I yell at you." "Good thinking." "You got paint on the floor." "I knew I could count on you." "My God." "And some got on Theresa's eye." "So I got a little paint on the painting." "That's like spilling water in a swimming pool." "You've got to fix this and restore the chair and clean the floor and find the kleptomaniac!" "We got your back, Will." "And stop saying that!" "What are you doing?" "Where's Theresa?" "I don't... know." "I'll tell you what." "You check the rest of the house." "I'm gonna wait here for her." "Help me find her!" "You're leaving?" "Well, I have to." "You are really disappointing me a lot this evening, Craig." "That's an ominous thing to say." "That's not any better, is it?" "Nope, it's worse." "So Gina is getting a little weird." "Really?" "The kleptomaniac you met on the Internet is getting weird?" "Here." "You're an artist." "Go get Nathan's paints and fix this thing while I go look for Theresa, and you... strip that chair down so that Brenda keeps her mouth shut." "Will's house is kinda hectic at night, isn't it?" "Yeah, I couldn't live here." "Take that, you light-lovin' ball thief!" "Now I'll never get my rake back..." "Or my longer rake." "Hey, I need an allen wrench so I can keep murdering my chair." "Take care of this while I get Theresa inside." "Rickshaw!" "What?" "Goody." "Another task." "Okay, so Theresa's sleeping again or... still..." "Or whatever the hell she's been doing." "And I finished that painting." "Hang on." "Great." "And I developed a pretty good move where I spin in a circle, firing indiscriminately." "I call it the "tornado of death,"" "so if you hear me yell, "tornado of death,"" "find a ditch and pray." "Maybe this will work out." "Brenda's with the kids." "The game starts in five minutes." "I think we might have pulled this off, buddy." "Couple problems." "I'm hoping they're not related." "The painting has disappeared, and Gina's car is gone." "Are... are you kidding?" "That's it." "I'm dead." "Theresa's gonna kill me." "No, Will." "The four of us are gonna go get that painting back." "But your precious video game is about to start." "This whole evening is my... friend Kenny's fault." "Should we forgive him?" "Don't see how we can." "Should he be punished?" "Unmercifully." "I think what Craig is trying to say is, he brought the klepto over, and so the whole thing is his fault, and even though that is, without doubt or controversy, the only explanation for tonight," "I'm gonna help you, too." "I agree." "Kenny's entirely to blame, and this conversation is over." "No restarts, infinity." "Even though I have no responsibility for any of this because I am in no way at fault, I want to help, too." "Again, summing up, grant... helpful but blameless." "Now let's do this." "Gina, honey?" "I think there may have been a misunderstanding about whose painting of Will's family that is." "You hurt my feelings, Craig." "Go away." "Baby..." "Okay." "No more coddling." "Listen up, you psycho." "My God!" "My eyes!" "My beautiful eyes!" "Kenny." "Aah!" "They're ruined!" "Guys!" "Guys, come on." "There's an open window." "But what..." "I'm going in!" "Shh, Kenny!" "No!" "God!" "Shh, Kenny!" "Bees!" "Rose-scented bees!" "Kenny, no, shh!" "It's rosebushes!" "Look, we need a ladder or... or suits of leather or a-a japanese garden bridge." "That would be lovely." "Here's what we're gonna do." "I'm gonna lie down." "You guys grab my arms and legs, swing me back and forth, build up some momentum, and then toss me as hard as you can." "I'll twist in the air, grab the window, and pull myself in." "Any questions?" "Nobody?" "Really?" "Okay, I'll go." "Are you insane?" "!" "Will, I can do this." "I did gymnastics in high school for, like, six weeks." "Watch." "God, you sound so nimble." "The trick is to let go of my arms a split second before you let go of my legs, so I twist in the air and I can grab the window frame with my hands." "Remember, arms and then legs." "It's critical that you do it in that order." "Otherwise, this might not work." "Come on." "I'll call it out." "All right." "Here." "Here, here, here." "Okay." "Hey." "And... swing." "And keep swinging." "Remember, it's arms and then legs." "Here we go." "One..." "Two... here it goes." "Arms, legs." "Arms, legs!" "No!" "Aah!" "Did he make it?" "Is he in?" " Wrong!" "That was wrong!" " Craig?" "Gentlemen." "What's going on here tonight?" "How you doing, spider-man?" "Truthfully, I'm in a lot of pain." "It was nice of Gina to give us the painting back." "The police made her give it back because she stole it because there's a monkey in a wedding dress jumping on a trampoline where her brain should be." "She has a disease, Kenny." "Would you talk that way about somebody who had freckles or an itchy trigger finger or a case of the munchies?" "You don't know what diseases are, do you, Craig?" "Guys, please." "I just had the worst night of my life." "All I want is one moment of quiet before I walk into my house and have the worst morning of my life." "Keen!" "Get over here!" "You said fix it." "It wouldn't wash off." "You know anything about this, keen, huh?" "You know what, Glenn?" "I do know something about this, and if you had adjusted your stupid motion light," "I never would have treated my wife like a horse and none of this would have happened, and, yes, that does make sense, so move the light and throw my kids' balls back, or you are gonna find all kinds of crazy-ass things" "painted all over your house." "You understand?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Good, and no more mowing your lawn in your khaki pants." "I don't like it." "It's weird." "Listen, last night when Gina took the painting, you guys really did have my back, so thank you." "Sure." "You got it." "It was worth it." "Plus I learned when you run into police in the middle of the night, it goes a whole lot smoother if you're with a bunch of white dudes." "Well, here goes." "Put the painting in the hallway." "There they are." "Brenda told me everything." "Thank you for taking care of the kids and letting me sleep." "God, that pill really worked!" "I feel so much better." ""Wonunol..."" """ " Say..." " To insomnia."" "I gotta pop the sheets in the dryer." "Mwah." "You didn't tell her?" "I love Theresa, and I figured it would break her heart if she found out what an idiot she married." "It would." "It really, really would..." "But where does she think we were?" "I told her you all got up early to clean out my garage, which you will be doing today." "Also, I hid all your adolescent crap around the side of the house, including the egg chair that you can keep, Kenny." "It was enough just to watch you destroy..." "Your precious nerd capsule." "I shall rebuild it, and it shall be stronger, faster, with a sunroof and a thing to pee in." "Will, could you come here for a second?" "Look at my eye." "What happened?" "I have no idea..." "But I think your body type can handle it."