"THEY CALLED ME MAYDAY" " Morning, Norm." " Morning, Sam." " Coffee's on." " Great." "Any calls?" " Vera called this morning." " You guys gonna patch it up?" "No." "She just wanted to reach out and nag someone." "Come on." "Admit it, Norm." "You miss her." "Yeah." "Yeah, I do miss her." "There's only one thing that keeps me from taking her back right now." " She kicked you out on your butt." " Right." " I appreciate you letting me crash here." " Don't mention it." "When I get back on my feet, I'll pay you some kind of rent." " That's not necessary." " I have my pride to consider." "All right." "Pay me a dollar a month." "For what?" " How about 50 cents?" " Fine." "No cleaning deposit." " We're low on cream." " I'll get on it." "No rush." "Coach, do you know who that is?" "Who, the guy with Dick Cavett?" "Coach, that's Dick Cavett." " Yeah, that is him." " Yeah." "Lecturer, talk show host, raconteur, short guy." " Cute for a brainiac." " I used to watch him on PBS." " You watch PBS?" " Sure." " There was one show I used to love." " Which one?" "The one with all the girls answering the phones." "I wonder what Dick Cavett's doing in Boston." " I don't like the look on her face." " I haven't seen one I do like." "What a shame." "Scooter McGrath died." "Heart attack." " Who was he, Coach?" " Old team-mate of mine." "Nice guy." " Sorry to hear that." " Scooter had a lot of bad habits." "He probably got out of shape." "It just goes to show everybody needs exercise." "I could sure use something, Cliffo." " What do you recommend?" " You could do what I do." "Prehensile isotonic geometrics." " Prehensile isotonic geometrics." " What is it?" "Muscle tension under constant contraction." "The beauty of it is you can do it any time, anywhere, but you don't perspire." " You wanna give it a shot?" " Sure." "Choose a muscle." "When I say "Go", flex it for 60 seconds." "One, two, three, go." "I saw this on "Twilight Zone" once." "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing you're Dick Cavett." "I couldn't help being Dick Cavett." "Ah, wit." "My ears hunger for it." "Being an aspiring poetess," "I enjoyed your interviews with all those wonderful writers and poets." "I remember when that Russian poet decided to defect on your stage." "That was a great moment." "Upset the cleaning crew." "You goose!" " So what brings you to our hostelry?" " If you must know, and I see you must," "I'm doing a book-signing party at the Copley Plaza." "Yes, your new book." "It's wonderful." " Have you read it?" " No, I can only imagine." "You must have a lot of close and dear friends in the publishing world." "A few." "Wouldn't it be a great thrill for you to run across a budding poetic genius?" "Only if I were wearing cleats." "I welcome your sense of humour in this desert of banality." "I wouldn't call this a desert." "A desert would be an easier place to get a drink." "Oh, yes." "What can I get you?" "Time's up, Coach." "So, did it work?" "I was trying to flex my gall bladder, but I remembered it's in Providence." "That is the stupidest exercise I ever saw." "Stupid like a fox." " How do you keep so trim, Carla?" " Sex." "You mean sex is the greatest exercise?" "No." "I miss it so much I can't eat." ""We ran together." ""Spring set the pace through the wild heather's bloom." ""We stopped, transfixed by a mayfly's flight." ""Is love not such, but easier to capture?" ""'A bug,' you said, crushing it." ""I smiled, but just a little. "" "What did you think?" "Well, it..." "It could use a little bit of..." "What shall I say?" "It needs a little..." " Ambiguity, tension and paradox?" " Exactly." "I think I've solved that with "Ephemera II"." ""The sky was gossamer... "" "Diane, somebody wants you at another table." " Who?" " Everybody at this one." "Come on." "Sorry about that, Mr Cavett." "She gets overexcited." "That's all right." "I'm Sam Malone, owner of the bar." "You want anything, just call me." "Wait." "Sam Malone?" " Used to play baseball?" " That's right." "You remember me?" "I saw you pitch once at Yankee Stadium." "Is that right?" "Did I have a good night?" "I hope so." "You had a lousy day." "You hit three batters and gave up back-to-back homers." "Remember?" "I had a drinking problem back in those days." "There are a few things I don't remember." "Like... 1974, 1975." " '75." "The year you won the pennant." " We did?" "How about that!" "Is that right?" " You seem fine now." " I finally kicked it." " If you want anything, give a holler." " OK, Sam." "Say, Sam." "I want to thank you for everything." "Pleasure meeting you." "Say..." "Has it ever occurred to you that there might be public interest in your life story?" "Because of my baseball career and battle against alcohol and the irony of owning a bar now?" "Never crossed my mind." "How about this?" "Type up 50 pages, I'll show it to a publisher." " Always looking for a good story." " That's great!" " Why are you doing this for me?" " I like to encourage young writers." "Especially one who has the potential of being inferior to me." "Thank you very much, Mr Cavett." "Guys, did you hear that?" "Mr Cavett's gonna help me get my life story published." "Diane, did you..." "The man was starting to fall under the thrall of my poetry when you distracted him with your miserable life." "Sweetheart, it wasn't anything like that." "It was his idea." "Well, it's still ridiculous." "Sam, the written word is very special to me." "To you, it's just a means of finding the men's room." "Come on." "I wrote pretty good in high school." "You didn't write "pretty good"." "You wrote pretty well." "I wish she'd make up her mind." "Wait a second." "I got an idea." "You're a pretty good... well writer." "Why don't you..." "Why don't you help me write this thing?" "Please?" " You're just feeling sorry for me." " No, I'm not." "Come here." "Look, I threw away my chance to be a famous guy once." "Maybe you could help me this time." "Please?" " It would be good experience." " Yeah." "However, I would insist on an as-told-to credit." "This will be great." "You and I make such a wonderful team in every other way." "Do you want to fool around or write?" "I can do one and you can do the other." " Let's get started." " All right." "Moonglow?" "Moonglow Peterson, is that you?" " It's me, Wally Bodell." " Wally Bodell?" " From Dean Acheson High?" " One and the same!" "Well, I'll be!" "I haven't seen you since high school." "You've put on a few pounds, paI." "You lost a few." "Yeah, I work out a little bit." "Right." "It is good seeing you, Moonglow." " Moonglow, huh?" " We wrestled together in high school." "And in a state tournament, his opponent accidentally yanked off Norm's trunks." "Don't laugh." "That's how I first caught Vera's eye." " Let me get you a beer." " I got some." "Old Vera." "Norm and I competed for Vera all through high school." "Whatever happened to her?" "I married her." "Married the hell out of her." "Actually, Vera and I are kind of separated right now." "Yeah?" "That's too bad." "You wouldn't mind if I dropped by and said hello to her, would you?" "Mind?" "Hell, no." "She's nothing to me now." "Don't worry about it." "He's going out with a girl better than Vera." "That old hag." "You can tell her, too." " What's her name?" " Tanya." " Right, Tanya." " Tanya Cocoabutter." "Sure you don't mind if I drop by on Vera?" " Sure." " All right." "I gotta go now." " Nice meeting you, Cliff." " Take care, Wally." "Don't mention it now." "When are you going to bring Tanya by here?" "Hey, Normie, what's the long face for?" "You guys don't know Wally like I do." "He moves fast." "I wonder if Vera will let me kiss the bride at their wedding." " I'm sure she will, Normie." " She didn't at ours." "Course, I didn't try that hard." " Boy, I feel terrific." " Been exercising, Coach?" "I just came back from doing some laps in the pool." " How many are you up to?" " Three." "Takes an hour." "That's kind of slow, isn't it?" "I could run faster if they got the water out of there." "You know what they say, Coach." "Healthy body, healthy mind." "Pick one you've got a good shot at." "I never felt better." "I feel 20 years old again." "Good for you, Coach." "I could do handstand push-ups right now and I haven't done any in years." " careful." "You might hurt something." " I gotta try it." "Now let me try it one-handed." "I still got the old touch!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Handstand push-ups." "Like I used to do in spring training." "You never did that." "It was Johnny Driscoll." "Oh, yeah." " Are you OK?" " Yeah, I'm OK, thanks to Sam." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah, I got a kick out of it." "Yeah." "Don't worry about it." "I'll be here." "Yeah." " Who was that?" " Wally Bodell." " I guess he didn't like my prank." " What did you do, Norm?" "Told the cops he was holding dope." "You'd think he'd never been strip-searched." "What a sorehead." " How could you do a thing like that?" " He was getting on my nerves." "He's really putting the moves on Vera." "Every time I drive by, his car's there." " So he's coming down here now?" " To talk things over a little bit." "Good idea." "You have a little talk, you punctuate it with a fist in his face." "She might have a point there." "You've hit bottom now." "It's time to fix the old engine and get out on that highway." "Don't tell me you wrecked your car too, Normie." " No, Coach, it's a metaphor." " Those are the hardest to get parts for!" "Diane, he's here." " Mr Cavett?" " Richard." " Oh, yeah." "Hi." " Thanks for coming on down." "I'm late for a meeting so I can't stay very long." "I thought you'd be anxious to hear the verdict." "Guilty." " Sorry." " We're both a little bit nervous." " What did you think?" " I thought the writing was competent." "A little undisciplined in places but it has a certain energy to it." "Thank you." "I take it you're Sam's co-author?" "Miss Jessica Simpson-Bourget?" "Diane Chambers." "I was only hiding behind that nom de plume until I made sure that you liked it." "I did just find that out, didn't I?" "How can I put this, Jessica?" " You don't like it?" " Well, I liked it..." "It shows a great deal of promise." "But you're not going to give it to your publisher." " I'm afraid not." " How come?" "I sounded him out about it but he feels it's a little tame." " Not controversial enough." " What about the booze problem?" "I guess booze isn't enough these days." "Nowadays, they want something spicier." "Drugs, homosexuality, perversion." "Sorry I didn't get out more." "There is an inference that you were a bit of a playboy during your career." "Playboy?" "Hell, yes, I..." "Well, kind of." "You seem to shy away from that in here." "The cold fact is, sex sells." "My publisher wouldn't be interested but plenty would." "It might be worth the chance." "I'll say goodbye now and run along." "OK." "Well, thank you anyway for coming down here, Mr Cavett." " Sure." " Ta-ta, Richard." "What do you say we get started here, huh?" " Started on what?" " On what Mr Cavett was talking about." "Spicing this thing up." "I won't have my first published manuscript be a memoir full of luridities." "I think what he was talking about was..." "I know what he was talking about." "Come on." "If we get published, this could mean a whole new life for me." "For you, too." "Well..." "No, I would never prostitute my talents that way." "Would Jessica Simpson-Bourget?" "That little smut peddler?" "In a minute." " I got some paper in the office." " OK." "If they want steam, I'll give them steam." "I'm going to use every weapon in my literary arsenal to make their tongues hang out in unbridled desire." " Coach, we don't want to be bothered." " Who does?" "Norm." "He's here." "Here comes Black Bart and this town ain't big enough for both of ya." "Of course, what town is?" "You wanted to see me, Moonglow?" "Go get him, Norm." "Yeah, I wanted to just talk." "Talk's cheap." "Throw some hands." " Leave his woman alone." " You don't like me seeing Vera?" "No!" "I'm not real wild about it, frankly." "There's something you ought to know." " I like Vera a lot." " Yeah?" "How did you like the state trooper with the icy hands?" "It had its moments." "You're as big a dink as you were in high school." " RemodeI his face." " Positions!" "You're in trouble, Bodell." "Come on, you guys." " Hit him!" " Take this outside, will you?" "Back off, Coach." "I'm fighting for my woman." "The winner gets Vera." "Get up, Norm!" "It's not exactly Frazier-Ali, is it?" "Give?" "No." "You?" "Coach, a glass of water, please." "Boy, can I write." "One, two, three!" "It's over!" " I did it." " Way to go, Normie." "Take what's left of your self-respect and clear out." "All right, Moonglow." "You beat me just like you used to in high school." "We're still friends?" "Don't let a seven-and-a-half hour hug give you the wrong idea." " Congratulations, Norm." "You won Vera." " Who?" "Oh, that's what we were fighting for." " I'll have to tell her when I see her." " Go to that phone and call Vera." "Guess I should." "Rather have a trophy, but..." "Boy, does she write good." "English"