"Mosfilm Studios" "Dedicated to St. Petersburg's Tercentennial" "Gulliver and Luch Film Companies Russia TV Channel" "Moscow Mayor's Office with Russian Ministry of Culture and St. Petersburg Foundation present" "Captain, why do we surface?" "We're lost, your excellence." "Got to check the coordinates." " What is this city?" " Looks like Hamburg to me." "Like hell it is." "It's St. Petersburg." "I was the naval attache here of our great Fatherland." "I see the Russian cruiser "Aurora"." "Urgent diving until they see us." " Destroy the witness." "Yevgenya Kryukova" "Natalia Shchukina" "Sergey Makovetsky" "Nikolay Fomenko" "Vladimir Simonov" "Sergey Bezrukov" "Leonid Timtsunik Fedor Chekhankov" "Alexander Pashutin Andrey Tolubeyev" "in the film by Eldar Ryazanov" "The Bedroom Key" "Written by Eldar Ryazanov Based on the farce by Georges Feydeau" "Director of Photography Nikolay Nemolyayev" "Production Designers Alexander Borisov and Leonid Svintsitsky" "Music by Andrey Petrov Conducted by Yevgeny Kolobov" "Costume Designer Natalia Ivanova Make-Up by Yekaterina Ivanova" "Produced by Leonid Bitz and Eldar Ryazanov" "Your excellences, the telegraph is down." "When are we going to fire?" "What do you mean?" "What's the time by your watch?" "1.02." "Can it be fast?" "My watch shows 10 to noon." " Is it slow?" " We'll be in time, sir." "In time for what?" "When do we fire?" "The time's different." "And the telegraph's down." "What shall we do?" "In the meantime, in the cinema." "I beg you." "I adore you." "How much longer can you torture me?" "Ah, Andre." "I seem to fall in love for the first time." "Let's go to my place." "The time's running." "Oh Andre, I..." "I'm afraid, I'm married." "I don't understand what to do." "When do we fire?" "Jesus, when should I command it?" " Guvnor, shoot it now." "Truth speaks in mysterious ways." "Help me Lord." "Fire!" "It's him!" "My husband fired it!" " What happened?" " What husband?" " My husband fires it!" "Darling, it's the gun that every day tells the citizens that the noon has come." "My husband speaks through that gun!" "Madam!" "But it's not noon, it's 10 after!" "Yes, I dropped the watch and now it's slow." "In the next 100 years the Russian Empire was always late for 10 and more minutes." "This is nonsense!" "Promise you'll come to me tonight." "I'm not sure." "It all happened at the shore, where waves are so hostile," "That you never could see any ships at the sea." "The Queen played charming Chopin at the elegant castle," "The page, listening to music, fell in love, fell in sin..." "It all happened so simply, it all happened so oddly." "The Queen asked him to cut the vermilion fruit..." "Then she gave him a half, as she languished him fondly," "She was wrapped into music, so seductively cute." "Then she gave herself wholly, she made love to him stormily," "And the dame slept till morning as an obedient slave..." "It all happened at the shore, multicolored like a tourmaline," "Where waves are so hostile and the page sings a lay..." " Stepan, is the mistress home?" " She's not back yet, sir Major." "How many times should I tell you I'm neither Major nor Sir." "I'm a civilian." "You're not an ammunition carrier, you're a lackey." " Yes, sir, your excellence!" "Oh Andre, I'm so afraid." "What have we done?" "It's my first time, by the way." "We haven't done anything yet!" "Yesterday you visited me, but were so cruel." "Tonight or never!" "I'm not the person to toy with." "Damn!" "Hold on, madam!" " Andre!" "You're totally marvelous." " This isjust love!" " Thank you." " Wait." "Don't leave like this!" "Farewell." "You may rent our first floor." "Dearest Mommy, I'm sending you a talking letter, the technical innovation." "Happy birthday to you." " Here I am." "Sadly, distances separate us, the whole Russia, but our present dire straits preclude me from coming to Yekaterinburg." "Why do you tickle me when I dictate to a phonograph?" "What deep thoughts do you dictate it, I wonder?" "You don't have to be nasty, you'd better call for breakfast." "This is a strange routine when the man and wife breakfast at different time." "It's not the way it should be." "I'm so tired of living in the barracks." "Stepan, serve breakfast to the mistress." " Right now or some time later?" "Later, you dimwit!" "I'm sick of that lame moron." "Don't we have the money for a maid?" "A martinet serves coffee to my bed every morning." "I'm expecting the alarm to sound in our house any day." " This gentleman wishes to see you." " Another gunner?" "Menelaus Ivanitsky, decadent poet, my friend from the club." " Mr. Ivanitsky, my spouse." " Enchanted." "If I'm not mistaken, I had the pleasure of seeing you in my residence?" " Sorry, I don't know where you reside." " 5, Tavrichesky St." "I've never visited such an address." " It means I've made a mistake." " Yes, you have." "What could I do for you?" "Card debts are paid within 24 hours." " Did you have to worry about it?" " Money likes counting." "Yesterday you had a better chance." "You were, so to say..." "I was drunk as a lord." "Yes, every night after 10 I'm drunk as a cobbler, but in the morning at my desk I think in images." "My mind is shrouded by mystical clouds." "Something otherworldly guides my gifted quill." "Vague silhouettes of the past and future fight in my mind and I write in that mist." "Yet sometimes love guides me." "Today I've written this." "It's called "I Want"." "Will you allow me?" " Of course." "Please." "I want to be impudent and brave, I want a laurel of fresh grape" "I want to drink your splendid body I want to tear your clothes wide open" "I want to know your satin bosom, I want our lusts to be as one." "Gods, go away, and you people, scram!" "I want to stay with her alone." " Charming, isn't it?" " Yes." "Quite charming." "Avaricious publishers with advance royalties swarm in the hall, tearing my precious manuscripts hot from my hands, shouting "A masterpiece!"" "And I stay behind gutted out to the bottom." "I find solace in drink and cocaine." " The author's life is sure hard." "I lost to you yesterday." "I don't even remember how much." " 35 rubles." " Say it again?" " 35 rubles." "Tell me, Mr. Ivanitsky, is it hard to compose verse?" " Stepan, please announce me." " Here you are, master." " Mr. Marusin to see you." " What Marusin?" "Academician?" "The same!" "Our close friend." "Please invite him." "Or we'll see no end to it!" "My dear, is your mistress home?" "Stepan, ask him in." "Sorry." "Here we go..." "What do I..." "Well' we've got used to it." "I'm all thumbs." "I'm a walking disaster." "Pavel, why are you frozen?" "We spoke of you." "Come in." "My dear friend, how've you been?" "Pavel, it's not for me neither." " Yes, but I'm awkward about it." "Please accept it." "This flower doesn't grow in Russia." "In Russian, it's a hordenine." "I brought it for you from China." " Are you back from China?" "Like Chatsky, from the ship to the reception." " Have a seat, Pavel Petrovich." "Why shouldn't you be more precise?" "Sit closer, please." "Doctor!" " He sits..." "...on my foot!" "He sits on my foot!" " Who?" " Marusin!" "Aglaya Nikitichna, pray forgive me!" "Stepan, we need ice!" "I'll blow on it!" "I'm sorry." "I swear I didn't mean to!" " Forgive me for Chrissakes!" " Please do calm down!" "Let me introduce Menelaus Semenovich Ivanitsky, decadent poet." "Of course, I've read you and am an avid fan." "I'm thrilled by your progressive ideas..." "Yes, your poesy, "Leprosy Marionette"." " On the waters' transparency." " "The Wine of Love"." " On the beauty of fields." " "The Cupid's Arrow"." " This is the work of genius!" " Your work on the feathered." " The poet in the field of study." " How do you feel?" " Considerably better." "Madam, allow me to take my leave." "It was an unforgettable meeting!" "I sure seem to have seen you." " I'll see you off." "I was staggered by your Marusin." "An academician, a great mind, but here?" "I was discouraged myself." "He's new at that." "I suggested he seek psychiatric help, but..." "All the best to you." "Pasha, what have you done?" "You broke the vase given to me by General Kuropatkin." "What is this, huh?" "Aglaya Nikitichna, don't nurse a grudge." "I'll never forget myself." "Pavel Petrovich, be quiet." " Should I leave?" " I like your present very much." " Really?" " Really." "You should water it a lot." "And it loves sun." "You'd better keep it on the sill." "When rays of sun fall on the flower, the leaves produce chlorophyll that facilitates its life." "Cabby!" "They're not acquainted yet." " At your service." " Mr. Chuguyev, if I'm notmistaken?" " Yes, sir." " The master of this house?" "I'm not, really, my wife is, but it doesn't matter." " Do you let the 1st floor?" " Yes." "Do you want to see it?" "Not necessary." "I like the house anay." "Well, if it's a custom." "250." "Bravo, professor." "It wouldn't even wish to... when in cage." "Don't worry, my silly sweetheart" "It's wonderful, amazing, a separate entrance." "It's convenient, you know." "Well, what about the price?" "Do you hear that bird sing?" "Delighul." "We've never let out." "Dire straits, you see." " 250 rubles." " 250?" "Is it a lot?" "I think 300 could be paid for apartments like this easily." " What do you mean, 300?" " Yes." " As you wish." "I agree." " Your finch has escaped." " No problem." "Now, let's go home." "I've to leave." " Remember me, when you hear it." " Thank you, Pavel Petrovich." "This gift is too much for me..." "...indeed." "I should warn you though." "The house belongs to my wife." "It's not a parlor house." " You should live decently." "Don't worry." "I'm not interested in women." "I'm quiet and unattached." " D'you wish to sign a contract?" "I'm ready." "Andrey Vakhalakov, Manufacture Association." "It's a well-known brand." "Did you happen to serve in Gen. Kuropatkin's HQ, in Manchuria, in the Russo-Japanese War?" " I was the General's aide." "Isn't it nice to meet a comrade in arms!" "Glad to see you, your excellence." "I thought where I could've seen you." "It's the battlefield." "I was discharged as the 1st Lt. And went into commerce." "My spouse prefers your fabrics." " She has excellent taste." "I'll introduce you." "Mr. Vakhlakov here is going to let our 2nd floor." "I know him from the war." "I'll prepare the contract." "You entertain the guest." " The idea is marvelous." " I can't live without you." " I love you." " When, oh when?" " Tonight." "Don't you think your husband would know?" "I hope not." "He's not Philip, he's Philbert." "I've prepared the contract." "You read it at home and we'll sign it tomorrow." " Madam, it was a pleasure to meet you." " I hope we'll be good neighbors." "I hope, too." "God bless you." "See you soon." " A well-mannered young man, doesn't he?" " He's nice, but I pity him." "He's so young and already impotent." " It cannot be." " He told me himself." "Now allow me to finish my talking letter." "I'm going to have dinner with my mother." " I'll go straight home." " All right." "I'll be waiting." "So, where did I stop?" "My roll is finished." "It means I didn't stop it." "Aglaya..." " I love you." " When, oh when?" " Tonight." "I'll tell my husband that I'll dine with my mother." "Don't you think your husband would know?" "I hope not." "He's not Philip, he's Philbert." "Philbert?" " Tonight at 5, Tavricheskaya St.?" " Tonight. 5, Tavricheskaya." "At the Tavricheskaya St.?" "Who is that man?" "Today we had Ivanitsky in the house, but they are not acquainted." "At the Tavricheskaya." "Someone mentioned that address today." "Vakhlakov?" "But it was his first time here." "And I introduced him myself." "Moreover, women are in the past for him." "Jesus, why does it have to happen to me?" "The hypocrite." "The friend of the house." "Marusin..." "Aglaya..." " Stepan!" "Where is the mistress?" " She'sjust left." "In a cab." "The mean woman." "What a nice weather, isn't it?" "What a nice weather, isn't it?" "Here I am, in person." "Meanwhile, at Vakhlakov's summer-house..." "Serge, guess the first letter is "m" the second is "a"..." "A creature that every woman needs?" "I don't know..." "You see this kind of creature, Sophie." "I think, it's 'a man'." "We can't live without a man." "What a silly stuff." "Let's have some tea." " Sophie, do you mind?" "Sure, Serge." "I'll show you stereo pictures and let this tango warm up our hearts." "I've got them from Paris." "French life-style." "Bring me a strawberry jam." "Composition One." "Premonition of love." " My God, isn't she ashamed?" " What exactly to be ashamed o" "He will come soon." " Does she expect him right in her bed?" " A French woman." " They do it, that way." "Sweet relax." "My love." "What's up?" "This is Andre." "Hello, yes, dear, it's me your sweetheart." "I'll get prepared to meet stock-holders." " You work too much, dear." "I'm glad you telephone to me, my sweet monster." "Serge is here." "I hate to hear this dentist is around you when I'm out." "Show him the door!" "He came to Zakharych to treat his tooth." " Let him go, when it's over." "Kiss you, my bird, my sweet girl, my sweetest girl!" "I give you a big hug." "Have you ever cleaned your teeth?" "Too late to treat it." "I've to pull it down." "Pull it down, Serge his mouth stinks awufully, indeed." " It's painful." "He'll start yelling." " I'll put some loud music." "I hate when people shout." "My God!" "Here you are!" "Marpha, follow me!" "Give me my tooth!" "Wait, son of a bitch!" "A lady to see you." "Thank you, Matvey." " Kill the light." " No light." "Then, please... turn away from me." " I can't." " Then close your eyes." " It's above me." "And then, how could I cope with that damned corset with my eyes closed?" " You know, the hooks are in the front." " Why didn't you tell me so?" " I thought you knew." "All of you have it different ways." "Please, I'm begging you... turn away." "I'm begging you not to beg me." "I'm off." "The poet came back home after a lavish party" "I've come, my precious one, I'm coming home." "I have come, I have come." "I see, the key's in the shoe." "Key, come out!" "It won't." "It means I gambled it away." "Could I lose my apartment as well?" "Complete with my wife?" "How horrible!" "Unfortunately, the movie camera was late." "The most interesting thing remained off-screen." "Concierge!" "A drunken lout." "I envy your freedom so much." "I wonder if I could be just as free as you are," "could you marry me?" " Of course." "It's so good when you don't have to hurry home, don't have to lie or make excuses, don't have to think what time it is now." " By the way, what time it is now?" "Well, can't be over 12." " 5 o'clock in the morning!" " How can it be, 5?" " God damn it!" " What have I done?" "What about me?" "What do you have to do with it?" "You're free!" " Am I?" "What about my wife?" "What wife?" "You said you're a bachelor!" " No time to think of it now." " He's married!" "This is base!" " Home... home." "The hooks are in the front." "And you, with her, with your wife, in this very bed, in this bedroom..." " Where is your wife now?" " In the country house." "Where is my hat?" " You were hatless." " I was hatted!" "You were everything-less." "Home at last!" "It's me, pussycat." "Don't be afraid." "We went on a little spree." "Pussycat, where are you?" "Are you asleep?" "Couldn't wait for me." "Kitty, where are you?" "Andrey!" "A man is in here!" "Where?" " Where's the man?" " Over there, in the bed." "A male specimen in my pussycat's bedroom?" " Who are you?" "Introduce yourself!" " I'm a cuckold!" " Just a sec, I'll get dressed." " Give me back my things." " Madam, please confirm it." " Yes." " These are my things." " They're mine." " Are they yours?" " They're mine!" "Yours?" "You won't see them, then!" "Don't you dare to throw away other people's things!" "My robe!" "Now, get out!" " It's locked." " Then open it!" "The key." "Where's the key?" "The key was in the robe thrown away by that idiot." "He doesn't hear it." "He's dead drunk." "Could I leave through the back door?" "It's under repairs." "Long been locked!" "The balcony." "That's what remains!" " Well, I'm gone or what?" " Go." "Listen, why do you have to whistle?" "Let me whistle some." "Away with you!" "I'm tired of whistling." "Is he a doorman or what?" "He won't answer!" "Whistle!" "Get up!" "Get up immediately!" "I'm tired!" "Mommy dearest!" "Stop, you criminal!" "Spare the furniture!" "I'll break everything!" "Throw him out of here, milksop!" "Turn on the light!" "I can't see his throat in the dark!" "Excellent." "I'll strangle you with the electricity on!" " Let us rest awhile!" " Let's do it." "Could you bring us some water?" "Vodka would be better." " Isn't it the 5th floor?" " No, it's the 3rd!" "Why should I get here, then?" "It's not my bedroom!" " Hell knows!" " Why do you swear?" "We're not acquainted." "And he's asking if this is the 5th floor!" "But I know you." "You're Madam Chuguyeva." "What a nice surprise." "How do you feel, Madam Chuguyeva?" "You've probably made a mistake!" "She's not a Madam, and she's not Chuguyeva!" " Liar!" "I recognized her." " How dare you?" " And you're the crook, right?" " It's outrageous!" "In this case, we'll fight a duel." " Andrey, he has a revolver." " Why a revolver?" "Let's go to the Gypsies, to the islands!" "God, am I drunk!" " What could we do?" " We're trapped." " He had to come in here somehow." " He must have a key." " How can we get it." "He's armed." " And dangerous." " Are you ready to fight a duel?" "I'm..." "Not ready." "I must absent myself." "Listen..." "I'm begging you." "We're ready to fight a duel with you, but some other time." "Come to think of it, I'm completely undressed." "And you are fully clothed." "In essence, I have only a shirt on." " What is the matter then?" " It embarrasses me." " Are you embarrassed by the shirt?" "Take it off then." " Undress yourself!" "Yes, let's undress, all of us." "I'll take my clothes off, too." "Above all, one should be polite." "I won't stay dressed in a lady's presence." "Andrey, he undresses!" "I can't remain dressed if you're basically, in a shirt." "What should we do?" "Madam, you can't tango at all." "Oh Lord, how good it feels!" "Don't yell." "I'm trying to sleep here." " Who's that riffraff?" " What riffraff?" " That riffraff." " What riff..." " You know him!" " I don't know him!" "He's a poet, a friend of my husband." " Why do you have to yell like this?" "He's a decadent poet." "He'll tell my husband." "I'm done!" "Hush!" "We'll wake him up." "Enough bewailing!" "We should escape." " Where to?" " To the balcony!" " I'm lost, lost!" "Enough moaning." "You rascal!" "Scoundrel!" "Help!" "Save me!" "Put me down, I'm afraid of the height." "Help!" "Yard-keeper, tell the doorman, we have a madman in here!" "What happened?" "I heard two shots, your excellency, and shouts." " Is it 5, Tavricheskaya St.?" " As you see it." " What happened?" " Someone shouted and fired." " A male or a female?" " They screamed in unison." " Call the doorman." " He's not sober, your excellence." "In the name of law, open up!" "The police!" "Coming, Mr. Policeman, in a moment." " I don't have a key, it's in my robe." " Then take it out." "The robe was thrown into the street." "Enough jokes." "I'm on duty." "Impossible." "The key's in the street, in my robe." "Yes, it's true!" "I'll have to resort to firearms." "Step aside from the door." "Allow me." "I'm a gunner after all, and a person concerned, in general." "Just a sec." "Let me have your firearm." "Why should I?" "Because you're the concerned person." " I demand it!" " I'll teach her a lesson anay." "Oh spare me that." "Where are the owners of that place?" "Aglaya!" "Where the hell are they?" "I've just spoken to them." "Aglaya!" "Don't you recognize this dress by any chance?" "This is..." "Oh, is it you, the rascal!" "You fooled around and rented my 2nd floor, the bastard!" " I won't allow any assault and battery!" " Give me the gun!" "I'll kill him!" "Atten-SHUN!" "You're the officer!" "Here's the denounciation!" "Good morning." "What happened?" "Is it you?" "You..." "Look, you're..." " Who do you think you are?" " I don't have any words for it." " You don't need them." "Do you suspect me of anything?" "You know, I won't abase myself with excuses." "How?" "Oh you the traitor, nonentity." "I'll tear you to pieces!" "You won't deny, Madam, that you were caught in adultery?" "I will." "Could you give me the chance to change my clothes?" " Give me the revolver!" " Attention!" "I must retreat to the bathroom." "Allow me to ask you to escort me, I need to offer you some explanation." "Well, the wife is unfaithful, it happens." "Mine was unfaithful to me many times." "My officer's honor..." "When a decent man has the honor of a decent woman in his hands, he's supposed to take care of it." "What a horrible... awakening." " Cavalier, are you coming?" " I'm trying to fit into the suit of that wacko." "Catch up with me on the stairs." "You scared me so!" " Truth what?" "Well yes." "How did you know I'm here?" "Philip told me that you're here indulged in adultery." "Where's the lover?" "I'll kill him." "The rascal!" "I hate you!" "Hate you!" "Hate you!" "What does it all mean?" "Is it you, worthless rhymester?" "So it's you..." "Decadent!" "Hussy!" "I'll kill the bastard!" "What?" "Now get it, quill-driver!" "Hush." "Stay calm." "The ornithologist felt like a bird." "I'm a falcon, a stormbringer." "No, I'm a seagull." "A seagull, I'm a young eagle." "How did you get there, my good man?" "Hold on tight!" "We'll call the fire brigade." "Make your suits with the fabrics of the Manufacture Association." "Help!" "I still wonder how you got there." " Mommy!" "Take me down!" " Call the fire brigade." "Thief, give me back my suit!" "Don't shoot, take mercy, I won't do it again." "I killed everyone!" "The End of Part 1" "Part 2" "You go home drunk and deadly pale" "Along the dark back streets." "Strangely you seem to remember" "Only the blue curtain of his window." "And crimson pillows of the sofa," "L'Orsay perfume and the Martel cognac." "His amber eyes, always tired," "And the drunk heat of his swollen lips..." "Zakharych, what?" "Mother mistress, calm down." "I made a round of restaurants, everything's closed." "I visited the Lost  Found office." "Nothing." "I dropped by the establishment." "Everyone's asleep there." "The milk!" "Jesus..." "What could I do?" "I have terrible suspicions." "Marfa, how can you indulge in this rot in such a terrible moment?" "What callousness!" "'Scuse me, mistress, The doctor prescribed you." "The future baby demands it." "God, he'll be born an orphan." "God, he'll be born an orphan." " Why do you wail?" " You haven't paid me for the milk." "Serge is the country neighbor." "And a dentist." "Ah, my friend, I'm losing my mind, I don't know what to do." "Andrey isn't back yet." "I telephoned home." "He never reacted to the call." "He's not been seen at the factory." "I feel he's dead." "You don't say that, dear." "Be courageous." "The police showed up right in time." "Allow me to introduce myself, Officer Norsky." "I'm most happy, lady, to have the lucky chance to..." " What do you mean, lucky?" "For us, maintainers of law and order, a case like this is a real find." "So, you claim that your husband is most certainly murdered?" "Murdered?" "How could I know it?" "You don't have to worry." "We'll know it." "Do you have his photographic portrait?" "You know, here he is only 7." "Pity." "Most likely, he's changed a lot." "Zakharych, on the double..." "It could be the news from the master." "I'm in such a nervous condition." "Don't worry, I sympathize completely." "You don't widow every day." "Lady, did you husband..." "bet on horses or gamble?" "Or could he be taken to drink?" "You're insane." "Never!" " What about cocaine?" " Balderdash, never!" " Too bad." " Why's that?" " For our investigation..." " I want to thrash you!" " What?" " There's a cabbie." "He brought the master's dress." "Found it in the street." " The dress with no master in it?" " Where's the master then?" "There was no master in the dress." "Excellent, a wonderful turn of events." "What else does your witness say?" "He doesn't exactly say anything, he barks." "Did you find Mr. Vakhalakov's things in the street?" "Answer me!" " What's wrong with him?" " I told the mistress, he barks." "Don't pay me any mind, it happens to me." "When I'm excited." " Don't be excited, speak up." " Give him a glass of vodka." "Come on, speak." "This morning as I drove my Slob, that be my horse..." " At the Tavricheskaya..." " Near what house?" " Near the number 5." " That's our apartment there!" "5, Tavricheskaya?" "Excellent!" "At the Tavricheskaya St. I found those things, and from the papers" "I knew that those things belong to Mister Vakhlakov." "Another glass!" "Not to me, to him." "And the doorman of the house told me that Mr. Vakhlakov lives in the country" "Give it to me, we'll have a look." "The passport!" "The box of mint pastilles." "Small change." "A toothpick." " Yes, it's his toothpick." " And what is that?" "It's a thing so that his auto is not stolen." " A revolver." " It's his revolver." "All cartridges are intact." "The victim was assaulted unexpectedly." "And that it wasn't a suicide by way of a gunshot." "Sophie, could he drown?" "How did those things turn up there, don't you know?" "In regard to that, I can only say that I found those things at..." "Another glass." "At the pavement?" "Is it so hard to say "at the pavement"?" "The lady says and doesn't yap." " Have you been ailing long?" " From the birth." "My mother from a greyhound..." "thatjumped her..." "Were you born from a dog and your mother?" " No, when my mother was pregnant..." " It's all clear, alright." "Don't hold your glass, they won't pour you any more." "I'm sorry, you've quite forgot about my husband." "Forward." "Enough guzzling, go!" "A beast is a beast." " Mrs. Vakhlakova, sign the protocol please." " Hush." " What's happened?" "There's someone moving in the house." "Holy Mother..." "It's the master's ghost." " Andrey, is that you?" " What's wrong with you, my friend?" "What's wrong?" "You look like you see the dead." " Are you alive or what?" " He's alive, alive!" "It's my husband." "The master's alive!" "The master is risen." "Outrageous." "Decent corpses don't behave like this." "You were lost, murdered." "The police force looks for you." "And you don't have a right to come home like this." " Who is this gentleman?" " A police officer." "We thought a disaster befell you." "What happened to you?" "Why're you dressed so terribly?" " Have you noticed?" " Yes, I have." " It's all the railroad's fault." " The railroad?" "How did you find yourself at the railroad, my bunny?" "Simple." "I just came back from that..." "From Tver, that where from." " Yeah, From Tver." " What do you mean, Tver?" "I went to the station to see my friends off, went into the car with them..." " What happened next?" "I heard..." "Far away..." "They don't blow any whistles anymore." " What d'you mean, they don't?" "What about that..." " I did itjust now, but not the steam engine." " My poor nightingale!" " I've been thinking about you all the way." "So while I was getting back, I was robbed." " How horrible!" "At the station I was completely naked..." "With passengers around me, y'know." "Ultimately naked?" "Without anything on?" "No, I had something on, of course." " What exactly?" " Definitely my undergarments." "What undergarments precisely?" " So you had your undies on?" "The thieves didn't manage to take them away from me." "Though they tried." "Well, as they say, it's all clear as day now." " Nothing is clear." "In what exactly manner, if you had been robbed in a railway car in Tver, your things turned up at the pavement outside 5, Tavricheskaya St?" " Well, that was... so to say." " Speak up." "Were they found?" "Here Are your things." "And here's the man who found them." "Is it you?" "What's wrong?" "Be kind enough not to speak Doggese." "Pay me for bringing your things to you." "Sorry, this is the evidence now." "What evidence?" "Give me my things!" "I'm alive, I'm home, and please get out with your service dogs." "Stepped on my paw!" "The corpse was a trouble-maker." "An ugly mug." "Zakharych, bring me my house coat." "And you, Marfa, some hot tea and rum." "My hen, how good to be back home." "My sunny bunny, so many worries within one day." "The fate inevitably approached" "Announce me, dear." "Lady, some gentleman asks for you." " Who's that?" " Looks A gentleman, flowers." "Interesting." "As soon as I'm out, there's an admirer." " Who are you?" " I can't name myself, sorry." "I'm sorry for bringing you the terrible news." "As the man of honor I can't remain silent." "Last night I shot your husband and I come here to atone." "Balderdash!" "My husband's alive." "You're mistaken, Madam, I shot him pointblank." "He dropped on the spot at the stairs near his apartment at 5, Tavricheskaya St." "If I knew that the late had such a savoury spouse, I'd miss him." "Everything you say is a poppycock." "Andrey, we have some nutcase here!" "I insist." "I've sent your husband to the netherworld." "Come in and see for yourself." "And get out!" "Hurry with it!" "Your anger adds to your charm." "So you're alive, darling?" "God damn it, I couldn't miss." "I'm not darling to you." "I forbid you to call me like this." "And we're not acquainted." "You lie, we're well acquainted indeed." "You expected me." "You even prepared the drinks." "Let's drink to your resurrection." "What does it mean?" "To freshen the nip in time is the real happiness." " My suit." " Your suit?" "Darling, who is this man?" "Sophie, I'll explain." " What a cutie!" "You're my ideal of a woman." " Shut up, you drunkard!" "This suit is really his." "I bought it at the station when I was naked." "Yes, he trades in second hand clothes." "Take your rags, I don't need them anymore." "And by the way, Sophie is my wife." "I don't believe you, as Stanislavsky said." "This glamorous woman can't be the spouse of the rascal." "Last night I saw you with another..." "The swine!" " With whom did he see last night?" " Forget him." "Dear Sophie, what are you doing tonight?" " Leave me alone!" " I'm poet Ivanitsky, practically a genius." " Don't touch my wife, villain!" "Freak yourself." "Sophie, I'm taking you with me." "We're going to the poetic cellar "Stray Dog"." "Kiss me, honey." "I'll shower you with poetry, and you'll be sung in my oeuvres, you'll be my Laura, my Beatrice, my..." "You returned the debt, bastard!" "Where did that monster come from, what's going on?" "With whom did he see you?" "With whom?" "Now I'll kill you for good!" "Help!" "Zakharych!" " You think he's through with it?" " Master, he's some beast." "Got to throw him out." "Take him by the collar and do it." "He's too heavy." "Let's try it together." "But disarm him first." "I take him by the armpits, you take the legs." " What are you doing?" " Taking you out." " Be careful with it." " We are." "Man, some cognac!" "Nothing but cognac!" "Please, master." "Follow me, master." "Here's your revolver, here's your bouquet." "Take him to the place you took him from." "I'm pinned to the bar counter." "I'm drunk for ever, I don't care." "There goes my happiness, in the carriage Fading in the silver mist..." "It flows away in the carriage" "In the snows of time, in the expanse of ages," "There's only my soul left sinking In the silver darkness of the hooves..." "Dance, beautiful!" "It casts sparks into the dark, Lighting up the dead of night..." "The bell jingles in the harness Singing of the past happiness..." "It's only the golden harness That I can see there all night long..." "And my soul, my poor deaf soul," "Is deadly drunk, is deadly drunk..." "Remember where we go from?" "Turn back." "I'm on my way, master." "Alone... at last..." "Who the hell that might be?" "Mr. Marusin to see you." " What does he want?" "Wrong time, as usual." "I should talk to you." "How do you do, Sophie." "Don't stand up, you're heavy." " I must fight the duel." " You?" "With whom?" "With that scoundrel Ivanitsky." "I'll skin him alive." " Why?" " The woman, of course." " What about your commandments?" "About turning the other cheek." " I don't care for commandments." "I want meat." "How come?" "You never touched meat." " I'll touch it today." " Zakharych!" "Do you have meat?" " Raw?" "Raw is fine." "Calm down, please." "You're my friend." "I cherish you and..." "Stepan, is the address right?" "Should we unload it?" "But it's still too early..." "Squirrel, what's up?" "I have a business meeting, we should talk." "You go ahead to the dining room and talk." "Feed him meat, at least." "I'll get rid of them and join you." " Promise you'll be my second." "Promise." "Launch the operation!" "Brothers, bring the ammunition inside." "Why are you here?" "What's wrong?" "I lost." "I realize you can't enforce love." "I've made a hard decision." "I give her to you." " What?" " Yes, it's a present." " What, you too?" " No, it's too expensive a gift." " No, you don't understand anything." "You should marry her." " How can I?" "I'm married." "So much the worse." "You should've thought earlier." "Now you deal with both of them, the lover and the wife." "Why didn't you tell me he was married?" "You never asked." " What are these chests?" " The things of my ex-wife." "Murder!" "Give her the room." "Where should we put those chests?" "No!" "Never." "No room for her!" "Don't listen to him, he's not quite himself." " Go away!" " Quick!" " Get the mistress settled." " What's going on?" "Why do you whine like a slaughtered one?" "Sophie!" "Mr. Chuguyev, my wife..." " My wife, Madam Chuguyeva." " Glad to meet you." "Pleased." "What are these chests?" "These are the things of my wife." "Philip is my old friend, he came with the things that belong to his wife." "Very good, I'll be with you in a moment." "I won't expose your lies." "Let her know about your dealings from someone else." "Hello to the good company!" "Gentlemen, make yourselves comfortable." "Bring more chairs." "We'll put your chests in the closet." "Gentlemen, how good it feels!" "Everyone forgot about me." "I was choking on the meat there alone." "As if we couldn't live without you." "Leave me alone!" " Madam Chuguyeva, have a seat." " Oh, you're here too?" "Begging your pardon." "How dared I..." "I recant, I was revolting by the elevator." "I'm so tired of you, you can't imagine." "Pasha, I could do without you and your nagging." "How dare you speak to me like this?" "How dare you?" "I'm the author of scientific treatises." "I'm a prominent ornithologist." "The British Academy of Sciences elected me as its member." "I fight for flora and fauna." "I'll leave your house, you mean people!" " What's wrong with you?" " It doesn't concern you, sit down please." "My honor, gentlemen." " Paul, wait!" "I haven't eaten anything here." "I read Averchenko on the State Duma today." "They have some congregation." "He wrote, "There were as many people there, as there are hairs on Purishkevich's head"." "But he's completely bald." "God, they'll drive me insane today." "I'm dying!" "Call the doctor!" "Fetch some water!" "What are you giving me?" "It's vodka!" "It's prob'ly left from the barking cabbie." " Philip, don't leave me here!" " I never change my decisions." " Did you hear, his wife is pregnant?" " Just heard it." "We should hide from her what's going on." "She doesn't suspect anything." "Hello, my gray dove." "What?" "I challenge you to a duel." "Choose your weapon, you dishonest perrson!" "After you'd poked my face with the broom, I'll choose the weapon!" "You rascal!" "Allow me, my good man." " You plucked hoopoe!" " Lambic pentameter!" "Pardon, I didn't aim at you." "I tried to take that nothing over there." "No need to help me, I'll manage, don't be in my way." "I'm drowning!" "This rascal surely can't be back." "Don't make me mad!" " A bald partridge!" " I could kill you." "I'm terrible in my anger!" "I'll kill you!" " Stop!" "Paul, what are you doing?" "The bulldog!" "You're the woman of my dreams!" "Came back for you." "Do something!" "I'll show you!" "Bastards!" "Sophie, I'm taking you with me, you were born to be mine!" "Watch your teeth, gentlemen." "Sophie, step aside, you're heavy." "Gentlemen, stop!" "A police officer." ""Finita la comedia"" "Mr. Vakhlakov, You played a nasty joke on me." "You trip to Tver was an invention." "Last night you were caught with your pants down indulged in adultery with the spouse of Mr. Chuguyev." "How can it be?" "Incredible." "Jesus, do you have to make it public?" "What are you talking about?" "It's impossible, it can't be true." "Sophie, relax." "I'll send my seconds to you." "Does the insulted husband want to challenge me too?" "The insulted husband doesn't want to get soiled." "Initially, the husband saw red, he was insulted and cuckolded." "Philip, how can you saw this?" "I'm not Philip, I'm Filbert." "A filbert." "The phonograph!" "Really, Vakhlakov..." "you're a regular bastard." "A curious plot, come to think of it, for a tear-jerking motion picture." "I could hardly find it, it being so early." "Had to wake the weapons store owner." " Why is it only one?" " He didn't have a couple." "What shall we do, gentlemen?" "On case of a duel, the weapons should be the same." "You can fight it with only one pistol." " The police took mine." " We'll take turns." "Then I'm the first to shoot." "As an insulted party." "You'll draw lots." " A swell thing." " I'll test it." "The duel was special, ladies attended." "You could hit me, you know." "I could." "Appreciate it that I missed." "The pistol is fine." " So that's what you are." "Yes, I'm this way." "Let's start." "Mr. Turgin, count 20 steps." "20, precisely." "Forgive me, it's the devil's work." "Speak well of me." "I'm guilty all around." "Go away!" "I wish you were hit, traitor." "I'm expecting the child, the heir, and you..." "You're such a rascal." "I can't see you anymore." "Farewell." "Philip, why don't you defend my honor?" "I'm your wife, not Pavel Petrovich's." "They defend the honor of those who have it." " Don't you dare insult Aglaya Nikitichna." "I'll fight you after Vakhlakov!" " I would advise against it, my birdie." "You're so... wonderful." "It's like I really see you for the first time." "It hurts!" "Aglaya's soul was again inflamed with the feelings not yet spent." "Do you really love me?" " Who, me?" "Yes, no, I don't know..." "But I do!" "Try to stay alive." "I'm yours." "My life belongs to you from now on." "What's wrong with you?" "Do you feel unwell?" "I'm not myself with happiness." "My love!" " Sorry to trouble you." " What's the problem?" "Practically none." "The business comes first, then the pleasures." "My God!" "Forgive me, love, I'll come back to you." " Put your glasses on, you've got to aim." " Oh, thank you." "Godspeed." "Messrs. Duellists, step to me." "Mr. Vakhlakov, you shoot the first." "Take your positions." " Mr. Vakhlakov, you shoot on the count 3." " I know!" "The Baltic seagull." "For luck." "1... 2... 3!" "Wait, Aglaya, the duel's not over yet." "Are you alive?" "It's nothing, I'm wounded in the leg." "Aglaya Nikitichna, my happiness, don't worry." "Give me the pistol, it's my turn now." "Back to your place." "Now you'll be fired at." "Don't you know the duels were legally banned?" "Should've thought of it before." "Now it's his turn." "I forgot to mention, I'm the principal opponent of duels." "It's ridiculous to settle arguments by a stray bullet." "It's a shame." "Any reasonable man would agree with me." "We'll make you stand against the bullet!" "It's a shame." "Any reasonable man would agree with me." "Now it's his turn." "You were the first to shoot." "It's stupid to die as you meet a random bullet." "Don't touch him!" "You can't make him, it's mean." "Freeze!" "No, you won't escape!" "You don't have a right." "I won't do it!" "You won't escape your destiny." "Here's a line in front of you." "You can't step over it." "Shoot, you murderer!" "Mr. Marusin, you're shooting on the count 3." "Get up, malingerer!" "So you're a coward, my good man." "Freeze!" "Pull yourself together." "Shame on you." "1... 2... 3!" "Has he soiled himsel" "Get up, nobody." "We'll get you under the bullet." "Zakharych, prop your master." "Stepan, help him." "Master, dear, don't do it." "It's a shame!" "Everyone knows you in the city." "For Christ's sake, stop." "This is a manly and noble business." "Mr. Marusin!" "1... 2... 3!" "Killed." "Andrey." "My God, what's wrong with him?" "Put him on the ground." "Killed." "Let the doctor through." "Hold on, I'm with you." "The idiot!" "I have my arm shot." "How are you?" "Got to stop the bleeding." "Do you hurt?" " I'll put the bandage on." " Forgive me." " You're so heavy." " Yes, I'm quite awkward." " Did I kill him?" " No, he's alive." "Take your trousers off." "My sunshine... my precious." "I'm left like a sorry orphan." "Embarrassing." "The blood!" "Enough wailing, dress my arm." "I'm bleeding to death." "Is anything else hit, apart from the leg?" " Everything's fine." " Thank God." "I'll dress him." "Give me something." "What should I dress your wound with?" "A skirt, in a moment." "Damn this skirt." " I'm not afraid with you." "Please be patient, honey." "My love, I adore you." "I can't live without you." "My happiness..." " Bear with it." " I'll be fine at the wedding." "What wedding?" "Aglaya Nikitichna!" "Be my wife!" "I ask you." "I beg you!" "I'll take you to my place." "I'll banish Philip to hell." "It's my house." "I'll cure you..." "I'll..." "Oh how I'll cure you!" "I'll be your wife." "You turned everything into a joke" "And you started your bitter reproaches" "Then you shook your beautiful head" "And wiped your tears with a kerchief." "You laughed teasing me with your teeth" "Suddenly forgetting everything" "Then you remembered, just as suddenly" "And cried, losing all your hair-pins." "You turned ugly and went away" "Then came back, as if waiting for something" "You cursed me, turning your back on me" "Then you left for good, as I felt it." "Well, it's time to get back to business" "The ancient business of mine" "Could the life go away for good, too" "Rustling just like your dress?" "The Epilogue" "Y'know, Stepan, I'd sure like to fire a gun." " What?" "Now?" " Why should we postpone it?" "We've got to celebrate the new free life with the artillery salute." "But the city's asleep." "We'll wake them and be punishee." " Big deal!" "I'm tired to live by regulations." " Let's fire it." "Well, bring the shell." "Haven't you forgotten how to charge it?" "Trying to offend me?" "Where would we live now, your excellence?" "Should we maybe go back to the artillery service?" " I'm too old for that now." "Or I could go to my father's Siberian estate." "Will you come with me?" "There's no other place for me." "Let it be Siberia." "What are we doing, excellence?" "The folks will go batshit." "They might think the war's out." "Godspeed!" "The war broke out 2 months later."