"Previously on "The Hard Times of R.J Berger"." "Cousin Vinnie is here to help us move." "You wanna date this girl?" " More than anything." " You'll only need one weapon." "Confidence." " You and me, dinner?" " I'd love to." "I guess I'm just really nervous." "That's why I like you, R.J you're never afraid to tell the truth." "Holy crap." "This is really happening." "Yeap." "Is something wrong?" "No..." "No, no, nothing." "Wow, they really lock these things in, huh." "Just pull it over her head." "Mom!" "You got to pull those little muffins out of the oven, while they are still warm." "These walls sure are thin, huh." "Don't pay attention." "You got it?" "Can you see them?" "Oh I bet they are fantastic." "Let me know when you get to the bottoms, I'll talk you through it, it can be tricky." "Mom!" " Mom!" " Oh, my God." "My name is R.J. Berger and I need a new make out spot." "Whoa, what's with you?" "The universe keeps blue balling me." "That's what." " I keep getting this close and..." " The Universe says, "No R.J...."" ""You must wait." "Wait for tonight." ""For on this night you shall surely bone."" "What would make tonight any different?" "Dude, the sophomore lock-in night." "So?" "So, lock-in night is like a school sponsored orgy." "Scorgy, everyone in class gets to rub gut." "Even complete trolls." "Miles, this is another one of your stupid theories, there's no way people are going to do it at school." "Oh!" "Okay... nice!" "Pick a jean now." "Where is my sexy key master?" "Right here, here I am!" "Come and get it, baby." "Another one of my stupid theories, huh?" "Just like when I warned you what would happen if you entered the dragon." "Why do I feel she can hear every word we are saying?" "Because she is pure evil, bro." "Forget her, you moved on." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe tonight is the night." "Dude, if it does happen, just promise me a detailed description of the merchandise." "You know, hardwood floors or carpet." "Curtains or pouty face." "Come on R.J." "Come to paradise." "Mmmh!" "R.J. Berger!" "R.J. Berger!" "Ok, ok, I get it." "Due that reminds me, you have to bring a dessert to get in." "You see." "Even the rules are awesome." "Tasty treats locked in with girls and desserts?" "Scorgy!" "So I was thinking we would just sneak off tonight after the coach calls lights out and find the place we both pictured." "Oh, R.J., I can't." "I'm so sorry." "No, I totally understand if you wouldn't want to do it." "R.J., not that." "I do want to, I really, really want to." "It's just..." "My parents won't let me go." "But it's a school event." "I know, somebody called them and said how it's basically a school sponsored orgy." "Scorgy." "What?" "Anyways." "I really really want to but it just can't be tonight unless it's a miracle and my dad changes his mind which will never happen." "Don't worry about your dad." "What?" "I got this." "Jennifer's not allowed out tonight, if you hadn't heard." "But sir please, we are all just counting on her." "Excuse me?" "Well, we are supposed to role play together tonight." "I knew it, this whole lock-in non-sense is just a thinly veiled excuse for a scorgy." "Oh, oh... what?" "It's a compound word, Berger." "Using the words school and orgy." "Orgy?" "Oh my God, that's disgusting, Jennifer what is your father talking about?" "I don't know someone told him this crazy story and it is gross." "I mean I just don't know who he's gonna play my Princess Pigginton in our Scalborg campaign." "Princess Pigginton?" "Yeah she rolls a plus twelve against all evil." "She is the magical keeper of the..." "Stop, stop this...." "Stop, shut up with that." "All right, obviously there's some sort of misunderstanding here." "I told you daddy, it's not at all like that." "All right, sweetie." "All right, you can go." "But you listen to me, son." "Swear to me that you will not take advantage of my daughter tonight." "It is my sworn duty as a knight to defend all maidens against evil and chaotic beasts from..." "Stop stop stop, just shut up with that." " Thank you, daddy." " Good night, sir." "You are a genius!" "I can we're in for something special tonight." "Hi, listen up, super freaks." "The only reason a chaperon this sad ass circus is to eat your mama's cookies while I watch the fight on my office TV." "Ain't got no cable at home." "Ground rules are: stay in the gym, don't leave the gym, and stay the hell in the gym at all times." "Oh yeah and stay the hell out of my office!" "This is gonna be the craziest night of our lives." "Dude, can you believe it?" "You can practically feel the beaver mist in the air." "There's no way I'm not getting laid tonight." "What are those?" "Oh I stole this giant stash of biscotti's from my brother Jeff." "Chett doesn't strike me as a biscotti guy." "Oh he's crazy about 'em." "He imports them from his old war buddies" "I should eat like a thousand of 'em." "So, where are we setting up at?" "Oh, um... actually, Miles, R.J and I are gonna try and find our own place with a little more privacy." "Thank you." "Way to go, bro, I'm proud of you." "I can't believe that blonde bitch made it." "Yeah, isn't it awesome." "Wait?" "Why wouldn't you?" "No reason." "I got to go take a major dump." "Do you want to wipe my ass fatty?" "Hell no, I think I would rather be a human centipede between Bismarcky and Justin" "Bieber, thanks." "Wait!" "It was you, wasn't it?" "You called Jenny's parents." "You tried to sabotage R.J.'s night." "And I'm still going to." "You mechanized cock-block, how could you?" "If I can't have R.J. Berger, no one can." "Gosh, it's so creepy here at night." "It's creepy here in the day too." "Where should we go?" "Anywhere, I mean it can literally be anywhere in the world right there." "No, R.J., it's got to be special." "We have find the perfect place." "Ok, you lead the way." "Okay." "Biscotti?" "Oh.." "No no no, actually I'm allergic to chocolate." "More for me." "Well, I think I'm getting a sugar rush." "What did you bring to eat?" "Time to pay the sugar toll." "Biscotti?" "Biscotti what?" "It's a delicious biscuit, my brother learned the recipe in Afghanistan." " You know, the man's got gold right there." " Well, you got it, coach." "You know, a world class taste whoopin' in my mouth." "Try these, I will take a couple more before I make my rounds." "Mmm!" "Are you trying to make me fat?" "You little prick these are good!" "Then give me one then." "Lock it up!" "Mmm!" "Damn!" "Welcome home you traitors habbit." "Miles?" "Enjoy you stay!" "Hope you enjoy deucing in the dark, bitch." "Miles?" "Miles?" "Miles!" "You fat bastard, let me out of here!" "All right!" "Ladies, ladies first all right?" "Ladies with their boobies out double first." "Ok, we have four winners." "There you go, girls." "Hey there good lookin'." "Hell of a fight, huh?" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm you, dummy." "Then who the hell am I?" "You are the fool that is high as a kite on Afghani gold." " Now listen, buddy." " More like this got messed up." "Those cookies are dosed to the teeth." "Sugar toll, afghani gold." "This is the best lock-in ever!" "I think, yeah... yeah I'm trippin' balls!" "I'm trippin' biscotti balls!" "This little piggy went wee, wee, wee, all the way home just like a big fat wiener." "These biscottis are amazing." "Are you feeling ok?" "I'm great." "Let's get a look at the legend." "Oh, no no, wait." "Jenny, you are acting really weird." "I know what you want, you want me to show you mine first, ok." "You like what you see?" "Hardwood floors?" "R.J., this is... this is perfect." "Has my hair always tasted this good?" "This is just exactly how I always wanted it." "I somehow doubt that." "No, oh no no no, it's just right exactly." "I wanna live here with you." "Wait, wait, wait wait wait wait..." "You're a virgin?" "Not for long!" "What is that?" "Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang...." "No!" "Get me out of here!" "Get me out of here!" "Miles, or I'm going to bite off your..." "I love you!" "Don't we hate each other?" "We do!" "Love." "This is what it's all about." "Get in on this everybody, it's magic!" "Magic!" "Double rainbow all the way!" "I like you, me." "I like me too." "But guess what?" "What?" "You ain't never going to guess." "Leon, okay." "This trip is about to go really really, bad." "Oh no." "Yeah, you better hide in the air ducts." "Because this beast is about to go buck wild!" "Got that right!" "Yeah, we think that's a good idea." "I think it's a good idea." "You ain't going to make it." "Come on, let's get it on." "Jenny, Jenny, please." "Hold on." "Take a deep breath." "Oh, I get it, you want a little uh...." "Touchdown..." "Down the hatch." "Wait, no, no." "Jenny?" "Who's there?" "What the hell is going on?" "Paris Hilton..." "Is it really you?" "Yes, it's me." "You're beautiful." "I know." "You are so hot." "Really?" "Can I tell you a secret?" "Anything." "I'm the devil!" "Mommy!" "No!" "Get away from me!" "Get the hell out of the way!" "Stop!" "Go!" "Mornin'." "Good morning." "Last night everybody got pretty messed up." "Did I?" "Yeah." " Did I take my..." " Yes, but I put them back on for you." "I'm sorry, R.J.... but did we..." "No." "But we did just spend the night together." "R.J. Berger, I promised." "My name is R.J. Berger and I think the universe is starting to take a shine to me."