"[Wind blows]" "# # [Violin]" "# # [Guitar strum]" "Ho ha hey hoo ho ha!" "## [Spaghetti Western]" "## [Whistling]" "Ho!" "[Chattering, laughter]" "[Speaking German]" "Guten Abend." "[Speaking German]" "Sprechen-sie Deutsch?" "Wenig." "Huh." "[Speaking German]" "[Laughter]" "Can I have a shot glass, please?" "[Woman's voice] Photo sent." "[Man's voice] Stay on this heading for about 6 hours 13 minutes." "Turn left at the Aurora Borealis." "When you see something that looks like a frozen gall bladder, that's Greenland." "Hang a soft right there." "All set, then, Mr. Hauser?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "[Female voice] # GuideStar #" "[beeping]" "[Rapid beeping]" "# GuideStar #" "[Man's voice] Welcome back, Mr. Hauser." "Hotel?" "Dinner reservations?" "Movie tickets, maybe?" "Mr. Hauser, is there something else you feel you might need?" "I don't know." "I feel..." "Go on." "Like a refugee from The Island of Dr. Moreau." "Some morally inverted, twisted character from a Céline novel." "The hot sauce helps." "Still getting those nightmares you told me about?" "They're coming back faster and faster." "I don't know if I can keep outrunning them." "[Alarm blares]" "Uh, that'll be it." "Jerry." "I got to go." "You bet, Mr. Hauser." "GuideStar wants you to feel secure." "# GuideStar #" "Be still, my trembling hands." "For how you would tremble if you knew where I would take you next." "[Sighs]" "[Alarm continues]" "[Woman's voice] Incoming message." "Incoming message." "[Alarm stops]" "## [Humming]" "You got him on the com there?" "Over here." "Bring it over." "Hello, Hauser." "Hello, Mr. Vice President." "I haven't been vice president for five months." "Otherwise, this might all be a conflict of interest." "As you know, Tamerlane, the U.S. Government, and I in particular were cleared of any and all violations of federal, state." "And international laws by the Silverman-James Bipartisan Committee." "Just, uh, read the report." "I'm sure anything you weren't supposed to be doing you were cleared of." "Sir." "And of course I was... [grunting] Preemptively pardoned by the president." "Anyway, I got the snapshots." "Love your work." " We're all big fans." " Yes." "Let's see if the goddamn krauts are so anxious to cross us in the Security Council now, eh?" "I seem to be heading southeast." "Where am I going?" "Hope you like the smell of fresh liberation." "[Toilet flushes]" "Uh, give me a sec, Hauser." "I got a growler down there the size of a cane frog." "Turaqistan." "What's the gig?" "Omar Sharif." "Omar Sharif?" "Yeah." "CEO of UgiGas, the Ugikistani conglomerate." "Son of a bitch is trying to build a pipeline through his own sheep-fucking country." "We didn't liberate Turaqistan to get hustled by some cock-sucking fez-head, Hauser." "Terminate." "Do-do that voodoo that you do so well." "You'll be working directly under the Viceroy just appointed by the president." "His identity is still being withheld until further notice." "It's on a need-to-know basis." "And no one needs to know." "He asked for you personally." "What's my cover?" "Trade show producer." "Trade show?" "What show?" "What show?" "What show?" "Oh, it's going to be huge, Hauser." "Tamerlane is sponsoring a trade expo:" "Brand USA." "It's our big launch, bringing democracy to this part of the world." "Plus, now that we bombed the shit out of them, there's a lot of rebuilding to do." "Shows a nice spirit." "Well, somebody has to help these poor people." "This moment presents a great opportunity for Tamerlane and the United States, for that matter, not to mention the people of Turaqistan." "To top it all off, there's going to be a gala wedding." "Isn't that great?" "Seems like a pretty elaborate cover." "Am I actually going to be responsible for all that shit?" "This is a historic moment, Hauser." "The first war ever to be 100% outsourced to private enterprise." "Tamerlane jets," "Tamerlane tanks, Tamerlane soldiers, and to top it all off, the Brand USA Expo." "It's your show, baby." "# The night is getting restless #" "# In the tropical heat #" "# Work is scarce #" "# And children play #" "# While the dogs fight in the street #" "# And in the hotels, all the tourists #" "# Dine on local fare #" "# While the waiters stand and stare #" "# And in the street #" "# Taxicabs #" "# Crawl around #" "Welcome to the Turaqi Green Zone, sir!" "# To the sound of the tourists #" "# In the casino #" "# Rattling the dice #" "# Money, money #" "Hi, hi, hi!" "Hi!" "[Women's voice] Tamerlane welcomes Expo Turaqistan," "Brand USA." "# Once I got to them after dark #" "# Early while I could see #" "# A prairie full of lost souls running #" "# From the priests of iniquity #" "Welcome to Turaqistan." "Sir." "I'm Marsha Dillon." "I'll be your aide de camp." "I've been briefed." "SPF 87, sir." "Oh." "Shall we?" "Yes." "# La la la la la la la #" "# Gotta take the Walls of Jericho #" "It all looks..." "looks good." "[Woman's voice] No job?" "No problem." " Terrific." "Good lighting." " Take out a Tamercard." "What's your cover." "By the way?" "Uh, undergrad Wharton with a master's in Communication, the Annenberg School." "That's very impressive." "Well, it's fake." "Tell me that's not the stage." "I think it is." "East, honey, east." "Do you want people turning away from the stage to pray five times a day?" "Cultural sensitivity." "That's what we're about here, babe." "Sorry, sir." "Credit comes from the word "credo," which means "I believe."" "What exactly is wrong with my credentials?" "I've been cleared for weeks." "My colleagues seem to be going right through." "Am I being singled out for some reason?" "I can't allow that." "It's very curious to me." "Very curious." "Find out who she is." " Curious situation." " Let's go, ma'am." "Oh." "Okay." " Let's go now." " I'm going." "Set up a meeting with her in my office." "Do I have an office?" " [Woman] Okay." "I'm going." " Great." "Carry on." "Yes." "And I'll just try to rearrange the entire place." " Just see if you can spin it." " Yes." "Miss Hegalhuzen." "Your 2:30's here." "[Clang]" "I read your piece in Atiantic Monthly." "Very provocative." "Nice office." "It's bulletproof." "[Hauser] Send her in." "## [Middle Eastern]" "[Man] Ah!" "The real..." "Oh, this is... this is beautiful." "Do it." "Do it." "I am Zugar!" "These are The Furies!" "[Whistles]" "Go!" "Go." "Go." "Go!" "We'll be in touch." "It's a gift." "It's a gift." "I brought a gift to you in the form of dance." "Thank you." "Good stuff." "Pay-Per-View TV next week." "Hey." "Hello." "I am Zugar!" "And you are an angel." "Thanks for the bag!" "Oh!" "Miss Hugelhazen." "Hegalhuzen." "Hegalhuzen." "I'm Hauser." " Hello." " Hi." "Hey." "Come on in." "[Helicopter passing overhead]" "Now... [explosion]" "Holy shit." "So you're here to cover our little trade show." ""What is being billed as a liberating of Turaqistan" ""to satisfy the American consumers' dream is just the opposite."" "Oh. "The proposed Expo Turaqistan offers nothing more" ""than the auctioning of Turaqistan's future to the cause of corporate profit and international branding."" "Wow." "Yeah." "I remember that because I wrote it." "Look, there's no corruption here." "Just read the Siverman-James Report." "I have." "It's bullshit." "Look." "We've already kicked the shit out of this place." "What are we supposed to do, turn our backs on all the entrepreneurial possibilities?" "Business is a uniquely human response to moral or cosmic crisis." "Whether it's a tsunami or a sustained aerial bombardment, there's the same urgent call for urban renewal." "[Explosion]" "When did they start attacking inside the Emerald City?" "I wouldn't call that an attack." "Well." "Technically." "That was a bombing." "At least it sounded like it was." "Not an attack." "Which would imply something else." "Do you really think I'm as bad as all this?" "I don't know anything about you." " Would you like to?" " It's my job." "You make it sound so tedious." "Could be fun." "Then why don't we begin?" "Thought you'd never ask." "Would you excuse me for one minute?" "[Whispering] Call me soon." " When?" " You'll feel it." "All rightie, then." "Where were we?" "I haven't said anything yet." "Excellent." "Because I don't remember hearing anything." "Then we're off to a great start." "What can I do for you?" "Why do I have access?" "Hmm?" "Even at such a low level." "Ouch." "You know that all my writings have called this occupation a violation of international law and its practitioners are criminals." "Do you really believe all the stuff you write?" "Anyone who could cause this much mayhem when he didn't have to?" "The amount of suffering that I've seen?" " [Phone beeps]" " I know." "Okay." "Hold on a sec." "But the way I look at it is this:" "The day we can actually feel and hear all the suffering of mankind, that's the day when the Christ will come back." "So we got that going for us." "Be out in a minute." "Or the Buddha or Allah." "Whoever floats your boat." "Miss Hagenhazel." "Call me Natalie." "Natalie, I really must run, right when I feel like we're on the verge of something important." "Do you think we could, um... continue this conversation over drinks?" "Drinks?" "Yeah." "I know a friendly place." "Marsha, will you set that up?" "9, 10-ish?" "[Explosion in distance]" "[Woman's voice] Do not leave cars unattended." "Unattended cars will be crushed and incinerated." "Hello." "Sir." "Welcome to Popeye's" "How can I help you?" "I'll have the crawfish etoufée, the Big Flava Chicken Sandwich with Boss Sauce, and to top off my meal, I'd like a frothy orange drink." "[Whispering] I'm here to see the Viceroy, soldier." "[Whispering] Sir, don't mention his name." "Follow me!" "All clear!" "Man is in!" "All clear!" "[Elevator whirring]" "Let's go, boys." "One." "Two!" "One." "Two!" "One, two!" "March!" "He's not here?" "Closed circuit, sir." "[Altered voice] Welcome to liberated Turaqistan, Hauser." "Big fan." "Have been for ages." "Sorry for the secret identity bullshit, but it's a brave new security world." "I'll be contacting you by phone or web cam, but if you wish to contact me," "I'm afraid you'll have to come here to the bunker, okay?" "Omar Sharif." "He's staying at the Freedom Grand." "He'll be here through the closing ceremony of the show." "Make sure he doesn't make his plane." "Got it." "Now, about this closing ceremony, looks like we got a Yonica Babyyeah wedding." "Incredible, huh?" "What is a Yonica Babyyeah?" "She's the Britney Spears of Central Asia, Hauser." "Kids from Baku to Yemen are nuts for her." "Anyway, the point is this wedding is the grand finale of the trade show." "This is the biggest pop culture extravaganza in the history of Central Asia' and it's the centerpiece of our PR blitz here." "It's perfect branding synergy, Hauser." "Blends the image of an American-style woman getting her own and getting it on and a great new democratic dynasty with all the strength and virility of traditional warlords." "Exactly." "That's why you're the best." "Overall, we see it as a pretty fucking irresistible package." "We're getting worldwide coverage'" "U.S. Networks' Sky Channel, Al Jazeera, so make it big' buddy." "See that she gets everything she wants and make this a grand finale the world will never forget." "You bet." "Jeff?" "So listen." "I met this guy." "No, he's just some mid-level schmo." "Anyway, I think if I play him right," "I can get a pass out of the Green Zone, and I can see what's really going on here." "No chip for me' thanks." "Ma'am." "You really won't get the full experience without the chip." "No." "No." "Doctor's orders." "I get hives." "[Viceroy] Good morning." "Welcome to the Implanted Journalist Experience." "Thanks to cutting-edge Tamerlane interactive technology, we are now able to reduce the risk of journalist mortality to virtually zero." "The Combat-o-rama lmplantation Device will allow you to experience full spectrum sensory reality." "Over the next 72 hours, some of you may experience headaches, nausea, and some muscle pain." "This is normal." "If symptoms of epilepsy occur, please notify your doctor." "Thanks, and enjoy the ride." "[Helicopter whirring, gunfire]" "[Cheering, laughing]" "[Gunshots]" "[Marsha] Hauser?" "Mr. Hauser!" "Yonica Babyyeah is two minutes now from arrival!" "We need to get going!" "Whoa!" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "# With your long blonde hair #" "# And your eyes of blue #" "# The only thing I ever got from you #" "# Was sorrow #" "# Sorrow #" "# You acted funny trying to spend my money #" "Yonica, I love you!" "# You're out there playing your high class games of sorrow #" "Jesus Christ!" "Hi." "Welcome." "How was traffic?" "I hear those checkpoints can be murder." "Where is dressing room?" "I'm fucking wasted." "Well, let me show you." "She needs Popeye 10-piece box." "All white meat, extra crispy, extra spicy." "Diet Coke." "You get it?" " Yes." " And I want pickles." "She wants pickles." "Clausen classic dill pickles." " Pickles." " Yeah." "Sure." "All right." "Uh..." "You are big boss?" "I guess I am, yeah." "How big?" " Ah!" " Don't do that." " [Camera clicks]" " Hey, confiscate that film." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "I do what I want." "Okay?" "Of course you do." "And we're excited to have you." " Don't get too excited." " I'm not that excited." "Let me show you to your dressing room." "Get some chicken and pickles and whatever you want." "Come on in." "Hi." " Nice work with the bat." " Thanks." "Hi." "How are you?" "Hi." "Good look." "Hi, Mr. Bickle." "Las Vegas." "Mr. Federline." "[Anchorman] The impending marriage of Central Asian pop star Yonica Babyyeah and Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini, the scion of the powerful Turaqi clan." "The marriage... a symbol of democratization or a sleazy public relations stunt?" "Yes or no?" "[Man] What journalism has come to." "Natalie." " Hi." " Hi." "Jesus." "What is this place?" "The Freedom Grand." "How do you like it?" "I guess I could go with the Strangelove in the Desert:" "Weird, rarified, coven-like." "Stop me if I'm rambling." "Stop." "Sit." "Can I get a double bourbon?" "Vodka twist?" "How's that for a guess?" "Okay." "Thank you." "So you're producing the big "Freedom's On the March"" "economic land grab masquerade." "Are you a Tamerlane employee or a freelance producer?" "That's complicated." "Let's get to that later." "I just wanted to take a minute and get to know you." "Hmm." "Okay' tell me about yourself." "Uh, just doing this gig." "Uh, trying to make the best of a bad situation." "Looking for redemption in all the wrong places." "Stop me now if I'm rambling." "Okay' stop." " How about you?" " How about me what?" "You know, where you..." "Tell me about your..." "Where are you from?" "Who gives a fuck?" "Are you serious?" "I'm as serious as a deacon." "I'd like to get to know you as a person." "For God's sakes, why?" "What the hell else are we going to do on this dark and lonely night?" "So you want to seduce the journalist whose politics you despise?" "How dare you." "I have no politics." "Everyone has politics, even if they don't know it." "Not me." "Just a straight mercenary." "I'm a host." "I'm a showman, an organizer." "There's just people here... some good, some bad' all interesting." "You seemed like an interesting person, and I try not to overthink these things." "You're a clever guy." "Some would even call you charming." "But it gets tired, doesn't it?" "All the patter." "All the show biz." "It's just a mask." "There's got to be a person in there somewhere." "Hmm." "Comes from the Latin word "persona," which means "mask"?" "Comes from the Latin word "persona." Which means "mask"?" "So maybe being human means we invite spectators to ponder what lies behind." "Each of us would be composed of a variety of masks, and if we can see behind the mask, we would get a burst of clarity." "And if that flame was bright enough, that's when we fall in love." "What's your opinion on these divine matters?" "I'm not going to fuck you." "You know that, right?" "I hope that you know that somewhere." "I sense you're such an angry woman." "You're just intent to laying waste to all of this' aren't you?" "You know, that was some of the most astonishing half-true front-ear gibberish" "I've heard in a while." " Thanks." " Hey." "Listen." " Yeah?" " All-access pass to the trade show." " Compliments of the house." " Thanks." " Don't be a stranger." " I won't be." "## [New York, New York]" "[Man] Let's get these passés right." "Left with the knee jerk." "Make it work." "Make it work." "Very good." "It's all in the legs, girls." "How many times do we have to say this?" "Higher!" "Big smile, Rauschbeck' for God's sake." "Thank you." "Back for some more gibberish, I see." " You remember Marsha." " Hi." "He worked with Rob Marshall on Chicago, all the big musicals." "It's incredible." "Each girl is a transfemoral amputee that lost her leg during the liberation." "And thanks to Tamerlane's cutting-edge prosthetic devices, we can literally have you up and dancing before you know it." "Just another breathtaking example of how American know-how alleviates the suffering it creates." "I mean, look at this." "Tammy Shakeman had her leg blown off by an M18 claymore land mine." "And Coniel Bislan." "An M72 rocket-propelled grenade that mistakenly hit her high school." "And Tamerlane used the exact same RPG firing pin rod assembly technology that it uses in the prosthetic knees of its dancing legs." "Talk about vertical integration." "It's hot in here, isn't it?" "Let me get that for you." "[Peter] Come over here, sweetheart." "This is." "Uh." "Miss Hagenhauzen." "She's writing a story about the show." "All right." "Okay." "Miss Babyyeah is ready for her run-through." "Got to go." "My trade show is your trade show." "Bye." "[Peter] Come on' girls' gather around." "## [Ends]" " [Grunt]" " Right." "Okay." "[Man] Hold it right there." "## [Middle Eastern dance]" "# You say you want to invade me, baby #" "# You say you want to enslave me, baby # [recorded backup] # I want to blow you... up #" "# I want to blow you... up #" "# You say you want to free me, baby #" "# But you cannot even see me, baby #" "# I want to blow you... up #" "# I want to blow you up # [stirring loudly]" "# I want to blow you sky-high, high, good-bye #" "# I want to blow you." "Blow you." "Blow you, blow you up #" "# You want to occupy my heart and soul #" "# A black widow in a spider hole #" "# I want to blow you... up #" "# I want to blow you up #" "Hmm." "# I want to blow you down, I'm sick of pain #" "# And then I'll blow you up and down again #" " # I want to blow you, blow you #" " My coat!" " # I want to blow you, blow you #" " My coat!" "# Blow you, blow you up #" "Cut!" "## [Stops]" "So there's this reporter who really despises me." "I mean, she doesn't really despise me." "She despises what I represent." "And the thing is I think if she knew the real me, she'd hate me even more." "I mean, don't you think?" "Hmm, I wasn't there." "Does it really matter?" "Actually." "I think I just like the sound of her voice." "I could listen to her revile me for hours." "Do you think with her..." "the reporter, I mean... it's just about sex?" "What do you mean just?" "I don't know." "This little Turaqi pop star' she really disturbs me, and I can't figure out why." "Could you be attracted to her sexually?" "No." "Are you crazy?" "She's just a little..." " Look, man, I got to go." " Whatever." "You're a fucking asshole." "# GuideStar #" "This has to end for me, sir." "I want a different kind of life." "I want to get married." "I want to start a family." "Operation Chickenhawk never ends." "The ceaseless epic struggle to dominate." "The destiny of man obliges his noble cares to continually purge the world of those who are evildoers." "But that's just not working for me right now, sir." "A woman?" "You and I, Hauser, are part of a brotherhood." "All these years I've felt a special bond." "Don't you feel that?" "No." "Well, you think about it." "If you still feel this way in a couple of days..." "I already told you, sir." "That'll be all." "Yes, sir." "[Phone rings]" "[Ring]" "Marsha, this is kind of a bad time." "Hey!" "I just wanted to give you the heads-up." "The delivery should be there any second." "When?" "Now?" "[Vehicle approaching]" "Oh' shit." "Sir, I've got your dry cleaning, sir!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Sir, I need the ticket, sir!" "Oh, I have that somewhere." "I need that claim ticket, sir!" "One sec." "I have it." "I think I put it..." "All right, it should be around here somewhere." "You're talking about the claim ticket?" "Yeah." "I think I have it here." "Can you hurry it up a little bit?" " Yeah." " Sir, I got to have that ticket!" "No notes." "Got it in this pocket." "Oh, here it is." "Got it." "Okay' sir!" "You have a nice day!" " Sure." " Ha ha!" "Whoo!" "Yo' yo' yo' motherfuckers!" "It's me." "Oh." " Hi." " Hi." "Straight from the dry cleaning unit in Ramstein, Germany." "You can't believe these guys." "20 years ahead of the rest of the world." "And this cost the U.S. Taxpayers what, 3, 4 grand?" "Be nice." "I'm really sorry about the jacket." "Okay." "Would you like to get a Turaqi coffee?" "I hear they make it great here." "Cardamom, mace... the good kind." "Mm-mmm." "I was just about to wash my hair." "It's a delicacy." "Sweetened with pomegranate honey." "One cup?" "Give me a minute." "[Speaking native language]" "What?" "There's just something irresistible about a Western woman speaking Turaqi." "Is that a recognized international phenomenon?" "No." "It's a personal sensibility." "Look." "I admit I don't actually believe any of the stuff we say." "I mean, not in the sense that I believe it to be actually true." "You talk too much." "I want to ask you something." "Doesn't it hurt you at all to put yourself in such a contorted moral position?" "Can you tell me, for example." "One completely honest thing?" "One." "This is Donnie Lou's Fever Juice." "It is rated at just under a quarter million Scovel Units." "Now." "When I find the demands of life to be challenging," "I take a wee drop." "The more challenging... the higher the Scovel Units." "Let me..." "Be careful." "But the trick, you see." "That I've taught myself is to never allow my eyes to tear up." "One completely honest thing." "If you really knew me, you'd despise me even more than you do." "No, I don't despise you." "I don't really care enough." "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# Bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# You're sneaking up from behind #" "# Trying to get into my heart and mind #" "# Here is what you will find #" "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# There's a war in this heart of mine #" "Marsha... [jet passing overhead]" "It's fucking great." "Michael Bacon, blow me." "He can, and he should." "We're doing all of Yonica's videos." "We're blowing up." "It's an unfortunate choice of words." "Listen." "Guys." "This has been great." "Thank you." "I have another meeting." "I have to run, but I really enjoyed it." "Let us have some footage of the wedding." "We'll hook you up, dude." "We know everything that goes on in Turaqistan." "There is no place we cannot go, no one we don't know, and nothing we cannot do, huh?" "Does one of you have a card." "Whoever the leader is?" "Here we go." "Jackpot." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "All right, there you go." "You have his' and he has yours." " Yes." " He's got yours." " It's gonna be great." " Bye-bye, guys." "Where's my package from Dow Chemical?" "The shipment left the warehouse in Dubai two days ago." "We're..." "We're tracking it." "Just get me a fucking cobra, all right?" "A snake?" "Yeah." "Chop-chop." "[Snaps fingers]" "Come on, spit it out, Old Scratch." " Oh." "Is only me, Mr. Big Hauser." " [Snake hisses]" "Yonica." "Hi." "Listen." "I'm very sorry about my reaction to your song." "I didn't mean to offend you in any way." "Oh, no." "I am sorry." "I am so stupid to not understand that you are woman." "Uh, sorry?" "In Turaqi we have no word for this." "Same as for woman." "Oh." "No." "No." "No." "No, no." "That's not it." "I pretty to most people." "Why not you?" "How my ass make you puke?" "I think it was some bad baba ganoush or something." "I think you're lovely... stunning, actually." " Lovely?" " Yes." "You think attractive?" "Yep." "Definitely." "Ahem." "Does her ass make you puke?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "That skinny bitch reporter with the tape recorder." "No." "You're a tit man." "Do you want massage with happy ending?" "Does your father know that you talk this way?" " My father?" " Yeah." "I do not speak to him anymore." "But he sends me money for dancing lessons and singing lessons." "I am with Ooq-Mi-Fay now, and he wants for me to be big success." "Yonica rules." "That is what he says to me." " What about your mother?" " Dead." " I'm sorry." " For why?" "You did not kill her." "Hmm, I don't think so." "Too much sorry." "Too much." "Jesus Christ!" "What is wrong with you?" "You are a fucking asshole!" "Do you know that?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "You're always sorry." "Fuck you, Mr. Sorry." "Fuck you." "Yonica, don't go away mad." "Oh." "Yeah, Marsha, get me a dinner reservation tonight." "Somewhere with soup." "So everything's going well?" "You have everything you need?" "You're closing some big deals at the trade show?" "[Speaking English]" "[Chuckling]" "I'm your host." "I want to make sure that you're happy and that everything is well and you're taken care of." "Beautiful woman." "She's a journalist." "Sit tight." "Don't eat all your soup." "[Slurping]" "So between your father's 34th embezzlement indictment," " were you still on the lacrosse team?" " [Burp]" "No, actually, I blew out my fucking knee." "Hey, you." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, we are doing an interview." "[Whispering] Omar Sharif wants to meet you." "The actor?" "Better." "The President of UgiGas." " Hey." " Yeah." "Sorry." "Just one minute." "We're going to pick this up in one minute." "Fuck." "Hey." "Who do I have to shoot to get a fucking drink around here?" "Huh?" " [Gunshot] - [Screams]" "What are you looking at?" "[Shouting in Turaqi]" "Dah!" "Get back to normal!" "Natalie Hegalhuzen, Omar Sharif." "[Speaking French]" "Pleased to meet you, too." "[Speaking English]" "Whoop!" "How are you doing?" "[Men shouting in Turaqi]" "How come the Americans are letting you give them such a hard time?" "Hmm." "The thrill of knowing you're my confidential source." "Perhaps." "But that still doesn't answer my question." "Why haven't the Americans not stopped the UgiGas pipeline?" "Chickenhawk?" "[Gunshots]" "[Cheering]" "[Crowd chanting] Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Oh, my God." "Yeah, baby." "Get it out." "Ahh." "[Female announcer] A message from the Viceroy." "[Viceroy] Freedom is messy." "Employees must wash hands before returning to work." "It stinks here." "Yeah." "He look like piece of shit." "He smell like piece of shit." " Do you want some shit?" " Mm-mmm." "[Clang]" "Where are you going?" "The night's young." "Oh, no, thank you, Omar, but I will look into that thing that you mentioned." "Enjoyed it." "[Clears throat]" "I think I'll go back to the hotel." "Can I drive you?" " No, it's okay." " Let me give you a lift." "I got a Humvee." "It's safer that way." "Please." "I'd feel better." "[Natalie] When did all that construction start?" "Oh, they're diverting the River Turis so it runs by the trade show." "They wanted a clear view from the Tiki Room." "It's cute' huh?" "What do you think of that girl Yonica?" "You don't want to know." "Come on." "Try me." "Okay I think that she's a sad little girl who has been pimped out into a pathetic monstrosity of alienated Western sexuality." "How do you feel about that, Mr. Hauser?" "She's a disaster." "This whole place is a disaster." "So you're sleeping with her." "No." "Why not?" "She seems game." "It must be nice to actually be who you say you are, to do things you believe in." "That's so simple, so clean." "It's like." "You know, why didn't I think of that?" "Well, it's... hard not to feel like I'm... always on the losing side." "Well, you are." "Yeah." "It gets kind of lonely." "That's why you got all those peasants and workers to keep you company." "I don't have that big a bed." "Tell me more." "I think that you should take me home now." "Yes, well, thanks for taking me home." "Oh." "Good-night kiss, huh?" "Uh-huh." " Jesus, what was that?" " [Muttering]" "I..." "I..." "I can't do this." "I..." "I..." "No." "You yourself said." "I just don't know you." " Yeah, yeah." "Sure." " Thank you." "And good night." "Tomorrow can I see you?" " Huh?" " Tomorrow." " ## [Battle Hymn of the Republic]" " Progress update, people." "Bank Swiss didn't even wait for the opening ceremony, closing a $1.3 billion deal with Root, Branch, and Blossom to restore essential water services to the people of Turaqistan!" "Oh, come on!" "I'm sure they'd like to give a shout out to the Tamerlane Third Bomber Wing for those humane precision strikes that have created this wonderful opportunity for everyone." "So is this like a date?" "This is, like, obscene." "There is something you could do for me that would mean a lot." "Name it." "Get me a pass out of the Emerald City so I can see what's really going on." " Very dangerous." " I want to see Fallaf." "Natalie, there's nothing there." "I want to know if it's true that Tamerlane used chemical weapons." "Isn't it a little late to be worrying about international conventions?" "Is nerve gas any worse than getting your head blown off by a precision guided laser missile?" "Frankly, it's a nuance that's lost on me." "Besides." "They didn't do anything." "They were cleared of everything." "We're trying to watch a battle here." "Sorry." "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Come on." "Give me something." "Give me something." "Anything's got to be better than this Xbox bullshit." "Okay, okay, okay." "[Machinegun fire]" "These guys are really big in the Turaqi arts community, know the whole downtown scene." "Might give you a good lead." " Ohh!" "Ohh!" " Here." "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "I'm hit!" "I'm hit!" "Where's the damn medevac?" "The Tamerlane custom heat-seeking missile mount can be adapted to fit over 200 current automotive models." "[Marsha] I thought we were all set with the Ayatollah." "Keep it up, boys." "What do you mean he won't do a mixed wedding?" "Who's mixed?" "Yonica's Episcopalian?" "How the fuck did that happen?" "Does Sufi work?" "Let me call you back." "I got another call." "Just get a number for Cat Stevens." "Hello." "Can you calm down?" "[Yonica screaming]" "Yeah, he's right here." "Yoni..." "That was the girl." "She said you can't do the wedding if you're involved." "She thinks you don't like her." " What?" " She can't work with you." "I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm on it." "Okay." "Anderson Cooper." "Mr. Salt-and-Pepper Integrity, is arriving today, and all we have left if a junior suite." "Is that okay?" "I mean he is a Vanderbilt and everything." "There could be repercussions!" "# GuideStar #" "You seem a little bit jumpy today, Mr. Hauser." "Is everything all right?" "My hand was shaking." "My hand never shakes." "Hmm, worst case, Parkinson's." "I can get you a doctor's appointment in Dubai." "I can't focus." "This girl and this reporter." "They're in my head." "They're in my fucking brain." "Mmm, that's not good, Mr. Hauser." "Not good." "No, I know it isn't." "Now I got to go see her, the little one." "I got to bring her food." "Because she won't go to the thing." "Fuck!" "## [Yonica singing]" "# Do I have to struggle #" "# For a moment of grace?" "#" "# Trusting you is a little rough today #" "# I wish there was a way #" "# You could soothe that ache in me #" "# The phone cut out #" "# While we were talking today #" "# Phone cut out #" "# While we were talking today #" "That was beautiful." "Have you recorded that yet?" "Fat fucking chance." "You should." "I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time." "Well, you've seen my ass, and you're not liking it." " Why do you do that?" " Do what?" "Talk as if you got no soul." "Nobody cares for my beautiful soul." "They care for my ass." " You sound like a tramp." " Bitches rule." "Yonica rules." "Virgins are good for getting fucked' right?" "That is what I am good for." "Right?" "That's what everybody knows." "Hmm?" "You know what I think?" "I think the girl that wrote that song was a poet." "I thought that song was really great." "I'm not from this world." "I have special powers." "I can see inside people's brains." "What do you see?" "You think you care about me." "Neither one of us know why." "You're not an alien life form." "You're just... very confused." "You live in a terrible world." "[Sniffle]" "I cannot be from this place." "I do not belong here." "We just have to find a way." "Who are you?" "I got stuff here." "We got Clausen, classic dill." "The Turaqi brand." "Soda." "You want some..." "Extra crispy." "All white meat." "You want a piece?" "It's actually a horrible way to soothe bad feelings, but..." "It can lead to compulsive eating." "But sometimes you just got to do it' right?" "Mm-hmm." "# Boom, boom, boom, bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in the sky... #" "What the fuck?" "[Glass shatters]" "Well, you know what?" "I'm going to blow you up, you motherfucking nice-suit, necktie, skunk-hair piece of shit." "Take a rain check on that." " Out of the Emerald City?" " Mmm." "Fuck." "Baby, if the money is right, I can take you to Chechnya." "I could scrape together... $1,000." "[Laughter]" "Baby, for $1,000 we take you to Starbuck's." "So anyway, we open on her." " She's like Snow White." " Uh-huh." "like in Ford's My Darling Clementine." "Like in Ford's My Darling Clementine." "When Victor Mature turns to her..." "It's a fuck film, assholes." "I want her on all fours, waiting for her phallic warlord, Ooq-Mi-Fay." "I know it's none of my business, but what are you guys talking about?" "We're shooting the wedding nights video." "Yeah." "Check it out." "We already made the cover." "Oh, my God." "How much you guys want for this?" "500 bucks." "I'll give you 50 right now, cash." "Done." "Washington's all a-twitter by allegations from a left-wing journalist that the son of a top Turaqi political leader and his pop-star bride are involved in a pornographic video of their own wedding night." "Expo Turaqistan... out of the frying pan, into the fire?" "How in the fuck did this Hegalhuzen bitch get ahold of this story?" "Well, it hardly matters now." "The Free News Agent Network has threatened to cancel the coverage and we fucking own them." "We got riots going on in foreign cities across Central Asia." "Maybe the best thing to do would be to call the wedding, you know, off." "Have you lost your mind?" "Just handle it." "I always do." "Do you think I have no feelings?" "This is what I am to you?" " A whore?" "And you are my pimp?" " No, baby..." "You were going to sell a tape of our wedding night!" " I was going to give you half of the money." " Sick!" "Sick!" " I'll give you half the money!" " Shut up!" "[Spits]" "All right." "I'm sure there's going to be ample time for loving recriminations, but let's deal with this from a practical perspective." "What if we publicly remove one of his testicles?" " Dad, please!" " Shut up." "That's not an entirely unappealing suggestion, but I'm not sure if that really gets us where we want to go." "In all honesty, Your Excellency." "If we're going to pull this off so a man of your stature... you know, a four-time convicted extortionist and embezzler like yourself... is to lead Turaqistan to its bright and shining future," "Yonica's bridegroom must be blamelessly pristine." "Hmm." "In other words, we need a fall guy." "Now." "How about your homeboy outside with the perforated septum?" "What..." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "Perv..." "What?" "Go' Marsha!" "Go, Marsha!" "# Oh' Marsha' you're so fine #" "# I'm gonna make a change your mind #" "So?" "I have a can of mace!" "And I will use it." "Sit down!" "I think Bodhi organized this whole thing, and you didn't know anything about it." " Yeah." "Of course, man." "I didn't know shit..." " Shh!" "But." "You know, we want to be culturally sensitive here." "What is the traditional punishment for pimping a pop star?" "[Speaking Turaqi]" " Wow." "That's fucking cold." " Shut up." "Drowning in sheep dung." "I'll have Marsha make the arrangements." "All right." "We've dealt with the groom." "Now for the bride." "20 minutes on primetime television, and everybody in the world will know that this sweet young girl would never, never participate in such a foul' foul enterprise." "Right?" "And." "Yonica." "You didn't know anything about this, so it has the added benefit of being true, as my father used to say." "All right." "We'll announce the execution tonight, we do the interview tomorrow, and we go ahead with the wedding, and, uh, close the whole damn show." "I think we got this worked out, don't you?" " Great." " All right." "Good to see you." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "No, no." "Thank you so much' sir." "Yonica, bab..." "Yonica, honey." "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "[Speaking Turaqi]" "Oof, man." "I like bags." "[Beep]" "Marsha." "Get me Katie Couric, Al Jazeera." "And a hundred gallons of sheep shit." "[Roaring]" "[Man] Slaves, ple... [laughing]" "[Gasp for breath]" "Welcome to Pax Romana," "Virginia's number-one Roman-era theme park." "The glory that was Rome." "The grandeur that was Six Flags." "Unfortunately, the financing fell through, and the real estate crashed, and the whole place went down the toilet, but it makes my point." "Which is?" "Every empire is summed up in Rome." "The Romans' Hauser:" "Dudes of the human race, torch bearers of culture." "You and I are centurions, honor-bound to defend civilization against the barbarians." "Let's cut the shit, Walken." "I like killing people as much as the next guy, but I signed up to kill the bad ones." "Health clinics, trade unionists, journalists, agricultural co-ops," "Catholic Liberation theologians, impoverished Colombian coffee farmers." "These are the barbarians, the depraved opponents of civilization?" "We turned Central America into a fucking graveyard." "Whoever momentarily interrupts the accumulation of our wealth we pulverize." "I'm just not feeling good about that anymore, sir." "Then do what you have to do, son." "Thank you for understanding, sir." "Oh!" "You asshole!" "Weapon, please." "Let's walk and talk." "You didn't really think I'd let you go, did you?" "I was kind of hoping you might, yeah." "For her?" "Please, Walken." "We had such a good working relationship." "Let's not end it like this." "Like savages, in a theme park." "You're getting a thumbs down from the crowd, Hauser." "You're obsolete, dude." "Past your expiration date, discontinued." "Garbaggio' as they say in Latin." "Relegated to the trash bin of history." "Hah!" "You shouldn't rummage around in the garbage." "Fuck!" "Is this one of those plastic toys you can choke on?" "You motherfucker!" "[Gasp]" "[Squeak]" "Hauser!" "I get it!" "I get it!" "Hauser, turn it off!" "Hauser!" "Ten minutes with Katie Couric of a whole season of Frontline." " Now." "That's a fact." " Yeah, but why would they want me" " to do the interview?" " You?" "Your uncompromising integrity, your movie-star good looks, and I don't think Katie Couric wants to come to this beautiful fucking vacation spot." "You know I'm not going to do a PR puff piece' right?" "Just do the story." "Get the real girl." "The real girl?" "Is there anything real left to get?" "Can she actually talk?" "She's just a needy little kid, Natalie." "I know." "She's spoiled, she's oversexed, she's tone-deaf." "She's a brand, Hauser." "Stuff happens." "She needs a mom." "Yeah, I..." "Well, don't look at me." "I like looking at you." "You can say anything you want, okay?" "No holds barred delay." "I'll make it live." "You're crazy." "This bitch hates me." " She doesn't hate you." " [Phone rings]" " She hates me." " No she doesn't." "She does." "I know." "[Ring]" "Yeah." "Hello." "[Marsha] I have a list of Omar's likely whereabouts." "I'll get to it." " Put your seatbelt on." " Fuck off." "Shit." "So we're all... all set?" "This sucks." "I hate this." "Uh, what sucks, sweetheart?" "This location." "What's wrong with it?" "I am not liking it." "It blows." "Uh, this is 2,000 years of Turaqi culture." "It's a nice spot for it." "Actually." "Okay' sweetie?" "Hmm." "I want to do it... there." "We're all set up right here." "There... or nowhere." "There's nice, too." "Hello." "Hello!" "Ohh!" "[Yonica] Look at this place!" "Beautiful!" "You see?" "She's just a little kid." "[Yonica] Wow!" "This place is so cool!" "Look at this!" "Be careful." "I want to do it here." "Come." "Inspect this for me." "It's beautiful." "This place is so sad." "I love that." "I'm going to see the rest." "Hey." "Cowboy." "You happen to have a Cliff bar?" " Really?" " I could eat." "Let's go check out the kitchen." "Look at this." "An '82 Margaux." "They must have left in a hurry." "We could be shot for looting." "We can be shot for anything in Turaqistan." "Let's see, there must be an opener here somewhere." "I just don't know if I'm domestic enough to make a meal out of olives and caviar and peanut butter." "Yonica!" "There's food!" "Very high-tech for Turaqistan." "[Speaking Turaqi]" "## [Blue Danube]" "Yonica, would you like some wine?" "No, I..." "I hate wine." "It's so sour." "Milk is good." "I want a picture of you two." "No pictures." "We could have one." "Get in." "So you two getting married?" "Ahem." "[Chuckles]" "Because you are already married with wife in America?" "Everybody wants American wife." "No." "Never were married?" "Was once, actually." "What happened?" "It's not that interesting." "Mm-mmm." "What happened?" "[Record slows]" "Haven't spoken of it in a long time." "[Record resumes]" "She was killed." "Murdered." "I came home one night' and my beautiful wife had been slaughtered." "I had a, uh' little girl' but, uh, she was taken." "No ransom note, nothing, just gone." "Why?" "I don't know." "Who would do that?" "I don't know anything except it was... all because of me." "What do you mean?" "I had many enemies." "I'd done many things." "What was her name?" "Your daughter." "Cara." "They're the reason I do this work." "I don't have to feel anything." "That's so fucked up." "Whassup?" "Shh!" "Get out!" "Sometimes I think it is better not to feel." "Just skip it." "How long can you live that way?" "The poison just holds." "It's like a slow-motion suicide." "You wake up every day, and you wonder if you have the courage to walk away, to say "No, I won't do that." "I'm not that person." "I'm not that thing."" "You think I should not marry Ooq-Mi-Fay?" "[Man] Hey, boss, we have a problem." "Hold that thought." "What's the problem, guys?" " Try some caviar." " Uch!" "It is so good." "Oh!" "I love." "My mom was always trying to get me to eat weird stuff." "Tempeh and wheatgrass, and all I ever wanted was peanut butter." "He's a complicated guy, huh?" "Not what you'd think." "Hey, hey, hey." "Not so tough today, huh?" "Hey!" "Take a look!" "The little girl has cramps." "You think you can drown me with the sheep shit?" "I don't think so, hmm?" "You want we should take the ear now or kill him first, huh?" "There'll be less blood if you kill me first, but more fun if you cut if off while I'm alive." " Shut up." " Okay." "I think I could take those two ears' and I could put them on my Humvee." "Maybe I can pick up KROO on my radio." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Poor pretty face." " I know." " Bye." " Okay." " Aah!" " Shh!" "Do we want to give him some taste?" "Taste." " [Crunch]" " Aah!" "## [Blue Danube continues]" "Stay!" " [Snap]" " Aah!" "[Click]" "Aah!" "[Gasp]" "That was the finger I used to wipe my ass." "[Air hisses]" "Huh?" "I cannot believe you just did that!" "What person could squeeze eyeballs from Bhodi Bhundhang?" "That asshole tells me not to marry Ooq-Mi-Fay!" "I'll fucking marry Ooq-Mi-Fay." "He's pig." "And I'm whore." "You want me to take the freeway?" "Yeah." "Whatever." "It is who I am." "I am that person." "And if I'm going to be whore, at least I can be rich." "I just want to make soulful music and be sad and rich." "You don't have to marry some asshole to do that." "Natalie, you will be my bridesmaid?" "Uh..." "Please." "My father, he's comic." "I haven't seen him since I was baby." "It will be nice to meet him." "And if you are there." "I will not be so afraid." "What am I going to wear?" "[Yonica] What about Katie Courage?" " Fuck her." " Fuck them all." "Miami Bich Hotel." "Jeff, I just sent you a photo of that Tamerlane guy." "He just slaughtered half a dozen of Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini's posse." "I shit you not." "Find out who the fuck this guy is." "[Marsha] Hey," "I just got this message from the Viceroy." ""We didn't front you 1.3 million to whack a bunch of 50 Cent wannabes." ""You know what I'm saying." "You got 18 hours to kill Omar Sharif." "Get the fuck on it."" "And may I just add personally, what the fuck are you doing?" "Will you kill the motherfucker so we can get the hell out of this shithole?" "What are you doing?" "Hello!" "Is there anyone in there?" "Hey, it's Natalie." "I'm either out unmasking corporate greed or washing my hair, so leave a message." "[Beep]" "That's good." "Thanks." "Great." "Is that good?" "That looks great." "Everything you're doing is great." "It's really great." "My Communications degree is finally paying off." "Where is Omar?" " Omar?" "Omar?" " Camera 4, Marsha." " Omar's..." " Camera 4." " Omar's..." " Camera 4." "Omar's Camera 4." "Why don't you pull in?" "You have his BlackBerry address?" "Laptop." "Mm-hmm." "By the way, Anderson Cooper cannot make the wedding." "What room was Anderson going to stay in?" "1101." "Oh, jeez, gosh." "By the way." "This came for you." "I think..." "God, it must have been this morning." "And' uh... [computer chimes]" "This is Natalie Hegalhuzen." "I am being held by the Provisional Liberation Army of Greater Turaqistan." "I will be executed unless the following demands are met by 10 P.M. Tonight." ""The complete unconditional withdrawal of all Tamerlane forces from Turaqistan." ""The dissolution of the criminal Zionist state of Israel." ""Three..." "The acquisition by the Turaqi National Basketball team" ""of LeBron James, for a player to be named later." ""I'm unhurt and well treated, and I am right where I wanted to be."" " Hey!" " Hey!" "You're improvising, bitch!" "I hate that!" "Cut!" "I know where she is." "No." "Wait a second." "We're live in six hours." "I trust you." "You handle everything." "Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "How are you, sir?" "Nice to see you, sir." "You can go." "Jerry, how do I get to Fallaf?" "Fallaf?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Here at GuideStar we definitely call Fallaf a no-go zone." "That's Snuff City, dude." "Hey, don't get cute." "Just give me the damn directions." "You sound a little angry and rather emotional." "It's a good thing." "Good, let it out." "Let it go." "Is that the best you can do for 79.95 a month?" "I hear Steven Seagal is, like, 600 pounds now, huh?" "They use body doubles for everything but this." "Oh-oh." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "I am opposed to the occupation." "I have railed against it in every significant journal in the world!" "I think you're mistaking me with someone who actually gives a fuck." "Hey, it's just a gig for us, babe." "What do I do when I get to Nafluny?" " Yeah, yeah, I think so." " Great." " Yeah." "Yeah." "I think so." " Great." "Take the next right." "Follow the road." "If you're a praying man, I'd start about now." "Can we kill her already?" "I'm getting hungry." "We're still working out international distribution rights." "Ah, I want to... put the camera lower this time." "Oh." "You mean like the construction guy decapitation, huh?" "Yeah." "You want it from here to there or there to here?" " All the way." " All the way's going to be messy." "Yeah, but it's art." "Do you have any candy?" "No." "Get lost." "Looking for the kidnapped bitch?" "American?" "We have three:" "Two yellow hair and one dark hair." "Dark hair." "Where?" "Show me." "What, 10?" "No." "How about 12, huh?" "Okay." "It's a deal." "You got it." " Nice." " Shut up!" "Let's do it." " Don't shoot!" " No!" "Wait!" "Don't shoot, man!" "Hey!" "Chill!" "Uhh!" "I'm sorry, man." "Take the girl." "We don't want the girl." "We just do movies, man." "We love to make movies." "You know, movies." "Don't get up." "Guys." "We got to run." "Fuck, dude." "That was intense." "Okay." "Okay." "You're okay." "Next time bring some candy, asshole." "[Laughing]" "Mr. Hauser..." "Mr. Hauser," "I told you Fallaf was not a good idea, didn't I?" "I thought I said that." "It's a no-go zone, and you went." "Bad choice." "Was not a good idea." "Get down!" "Move!" "Baby, it's gonna be good to get fucked." "Out of here straight to the fucking Dubai." "Could you please try to connect me again?" " Okay." " Thank you." "F-17:" "Best strippers in the world." "They got a plane, rolla-rolla." "Plane, gotta-watta, with the gas... [raspberry]... oh, yeah." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "My English not so good?" "My English not so good?" "Come on." "Come on here." "I love you." "I love you." "Mmm!" "I love you." "Come on here." "Come on here." "Ooq-Mi-Fay and Yonica on the plane straight to..." "Come on, come on!" "[Rocket falling]" "Get down!" "Get down!" "Come on." "Get up." "[Soldier screams]" "Are you in charge?" "Who the fuck's in charge!" "I'm no one!" "I'm no one!" "Go!" "No, no, no!" " What are you looking at, bitch?" " I'm no one!" "Come on, come on." "[Soldiers shouting]" "## [Folk rock]" "# Are you garments all spotless?" "#" "# Are they white as the snow?" "#" "# Are you washed in the blood of the lamb?" "#" "# Is your soul all spotless?" "#" "# Is it clean as the snow?" "#" "Okay, a couple of quick announcements." "Uh, the panel discussion," ""The Redemptive Power of the Hedge Fund Derivatives,"" "has been moved to the mini ballroom." "Don't forget to go to the meet 'n' greet cocktail reception at the Tiki Room at 5, and pick up your... gift bags." "They've." "Uh, got a coffee mug and a desert umbrella, a foam beer cozy, of How I Conquered the World and Worked Out Issues With My Dad." "Of How I Conquered the World and Worked Out Issues With My Dad." "# Am I washed in the blood of the lamb?" "#" "# Have you laid down your burdens?" "#" "# Have you found peace and rest?" "#" "# Are you washed in the blood of the lamb?" "#" "Take care of the kid." "There's something I have to go do." "You don't have to." "Yes, I do." "## [Spaghetti Western]" "[No audible dialogue]" "Wow." "No." "[Speaking English]" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "No, don't, don't..." "Sorry." "Somebody's going to kill you." "It was supposed to be me." "Triple your security." "Stay off the streets." "With a little skill." "You may actually stay alive." "No need." "Good luck." "[Sniffling]" "[Man] She says she's a bridesmaid." "You got an extra dress?" " [Applause]" " For all of us at Tamerlane," "I extend a heartfelt good luck and God Bless, whoever that God may be, to our happy young couple." "Salaam." " [Applause]" " Oh, shit." "Uh..." "Ohh..." "Oh!" "Ooh." "We have someone to do your hair and makeup." " Uh, no." "I can do this." " [Cocks rifle]" "[Woman] Sit down." "Clean yourself!" "Um..." "We got to go to the Viceroy!" "Where the hell is Hauser?" "Asshole." "All right." "I'm going to tell that bastard that I want to go shopping in America, and I never come back." "Can I stay with you?" "Yes, yes, yes." "It's time." "Where are you?" "I want to see you." "Hauser, I'm about to address the wedding." "You're just going to have to wait till I'm done." "I've waited long enough." "Hauser." "Hello' Walken." "You look fabulous." "How did you know?" "Where else would you be?" "And going to the Viceroy in 5, 4, 3, 2..." "Wonderful opportunities here, Hauser, as long as these towel-heads don't actually look up "freedom" in the dictionary." "But to use one of your own homespun colloquialisms, let's cut the shit, shall we?" "That is the Viceroy?" "You know what your problem is." "Hauser?" "You're a moralist." "That's why you're so much fun to fuck with." "War is the improvement of investment climates by other means." "Clausewitz for Dummies." "The USA is a subdivision of Tamerlane Democracy." "The war on terror, the war on drugs... these are all focus group slogans for Tamerlane." "You murdered my wife." "I'm here to kill you for that." "You were such a superb killing machine' Hauser." "What happened to you?" "You've had a whole week to kill Omar." "Of course I could have liquidated you after you thought you'd killed me, right after I tried to kiss you and you threw me in the garbage truck." "It's going to be hard to torture someone who's mostly dead." "But I'm going to try... to enjoy it." "But by killing the woman and kidnapping the girl..." "Oh, my God." "...that was so much more satisfying." "I left you in a state of constant agony." "Do you ever wonder what the ideology of vibrio cholerae bacterium is or the belief system of yersinia pestis, the bacteria that causes bubonic plague?" "Well, I'll tell you, Hauser." "Perpetuation." "An infinite succession of generations..." "I wish I had that kind of esprit de corps, that bacterial team spirit." "Talk about legacy." "Talk about empire." "You're going to tell me what you did with her' and then I'm going to kill you again." "Do you understand, old man?" "Don't you get it?" "Your daughter happens to... [wailing]" "Shut it down!" "Shut down, I said!" "[Viceroy] Your daughter, Hauser... [all gasp]" "Ohh..." "Your daughter's about to be married, Daddy." "[Chuckles]" "You're father of the bride." "[Laughing]" "[Continues laughing]" "Oh, God, that's a conversation stopper." "Well, you just sit back and enjoy the show." "You must be a real proud daddy." "[Laughing]" "Here she comes." "## [Wedding March]" "Ain't you the proudest Daddy?" "Look at that." "She turned out good." "She looks good, hey?" "In that white dress and those little white boots." "A white dress!" "Little white boots!" "Ha ha ha!" "Ah, look at that." "Don't you think the little whore turned out well?" "I promised her her daddy would be here, and here you are." "Shoot him!" "Father of the bride!" "Father of the bride!" "[Applause]" "Oh... fuck." "[Click]" "[Grunting]" "[Shouting]" "[Grunting]" "[Growling]" "Hauser." "Where are you, Hauser?" "Come on, fight me like a dude." "Face me, Hauser!" "Come on, f..." "I can control all of this with my eyes." "[Alarm blaring]" "[Glass shatters]" "[Crying out]" "Ohh!" "Ahh!" "[Sizzling]" "Yonica." " Yonica..." " Shut the fuck up, bitch." " Yonica." "Yonica." "Yonica." " Shut the fuck up." " Yonica." "Yonica." " Shut up." "Get it done." "Come on." "Dearly beloved, friends' believers' and infidels' we are gathered here today to join together in holy matrimony this man and this..." " Yonica!" "Yonica!" " [Gunshots]" "Hauser!" "You can't do this." "You can't do this." "I won't let you." "I'm your father." "[Shouting in Turaqi]" "It's me." "I've loved you since the minute you were born." "I'm so going to kill you." "It's going to be okay." "[Ooq-Mi-Fay groaning]" "We're going to be a family again." "Ooh!" "[Man] Stay there!" "Come on!" "[Screaming]" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Yonica!" "Let go of that!" "Don't do that!" "[Gunshots]" "Is there any cake, even?" "[Gunshots]" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Go, go, go!" "[Guns clicking]" "Get me back to the bunker." "Headset." "Get me a Tomahawk." "Blow this whole fucking place to shit." "Uh, yes, sir." "Terror's in the wind." "We've got them cornered." "So close to the bunker could be dangerous, sir." "Haven't you ever heard of a surgical strike?" "Launch it." "Firing' 2' 1." "Viceroy coming through!" "Viceroy coming through!" "[Yonica] You should have let me finish the job!" "# Up and down, bad and good #" "# Nobody's livin' like the way they should #" "# Anymore #" "Tamerlane weapons are precision guided to minimize collateral damage." "Not only is our technology the most advanced in the world' but also, with its smart missile system, we can launch a matchstick in Milwaukee and stick it up the ass of a termite in Tehran." "# It's so vile when you're living in the devil's playground #" "[screaming]" "Shit happens." "This blows." ""Killers." "Whores, and Jackals:" "Behind the Smiling Face of Brand USA."" " Good title." "Huh?" " It's a little wordy." "[Soldier] Vehicle from the front!" "All right, that's it!" "Hold it!" "We are, uh... going honeymoon?" "Dude, it's the newlyweds!" " Hey!" "Stand down!" " Stand down!" "Yonica." "Wow." "Congratulations." "Your chariot's right this way." "Thank you." " Oh, my goodness." " I have your poster on my wall." "No." "He's lying." "It's my wall." "I..." "No." "[Soldiers] Bye." "# We're cutting our hands at the kebab shop #" "# In the streets of fear #" "# Forgetting all our best tae kwon do moves #" "Run, run, run." "Run, run, run." "Run, run, run, run, run, run." "Run, run, run, run, run." "I cannot fucking believe this!" "Yonica." "I know I saved you and everything' but I don't want you putting me up on a pedestal." "I'm just a person... just a man." "[Yonica] You crazy?" "Where have you been, huh?" "You are a fucking asshole." "You know that?" "I feel much better." "Go!" "Turn this thing on!" "[Natalie] So basically you're saying you don't want her to aspire to be an assassin like you." "[Yonica] Don't worry because I want to be a trade show host." " Yonica." "Don't be so sarcastic." " I'm not." "[Natalie, laughing] Where are we going?" "What are we doing?" "[Hauser] I don't know." "[Natalie] What do you mean "I don't know"?" "When I say I don't know, it means I don't know." " # GuideStar #" " Welcome back, Mr. Hauser." "I can book you at a hotel, make a dinner reservation..." "[Hauser] Want to just be spontaneous?" "[Natalie] Spontaneous?" "It's Memorial Day weekend." "For God's sakes." " What if everything's full?" " It's not going to be full." " Jerry." "Am I right?" " Don't get Jerry involved in this." "Would you two stop fighting?" "We aren't fighting." "We're just discussing." "It is sounding like fighting." " Now she hates fighting." " What do you expect?" "Look at her father!" "This is the former vice president speaking." "In response to the cowardly and unprovoked terrorist attack on the Emerald City Mall," "Tamerlane Industries is pleased to announce that it has been awarded the contract to preemptively strike Ugikistan, which intelligence has confirmed is behind this and hundreds of other attacks in Turaqistan." "America cannot stand idly by and allow hostile foreign powers to meddle in Turaqi affairs." "Intelligence has also conclusively stated that the Ugikis are developing a nuclear arsenal, and we cannot let the smoking gun come in the form of a mushroom cloud." "# Yalla yalla yalla yalla #" "# Yalla yalla ya-li-oo, whoa #" "# Yalla yalla yalla yalla #" "# Jambalaya on the Bayou #" "# So long, liberty #" "# Just let's forget you never showed #" "# Not in my time #" "# But in our sons' and daughters' time #" "# When you get the feelin' #" "# Call, and you got a room #" "# Meantime #" "# We're cutting our hands on the kebab shop #" "# In the streets of fear #" "# Forgetting all those best tae kwon do moves #" "# On a barrel of beer #" "# Trying to get a signal from Ragga FM #" "# Do the DTI, bust CNN #" "# Sucking this wine right out of the vine #" "# And spitting it back again #" "# Somebody got a vision of a homeland #" "# From a township, from a township window #" "# Through the township window #" "# Some crazy widow #" "# Dares to have a vision #" "# Starts seething like #" "# Seeming like the homeland #" "# On the plain, not in focus yet #" "# This freestyle nation #" "# Give them maximum density #" "# And I say yalla yalla yalla yalla #" "# Yalla yalla yal-li-oo #" "# Yalla yalla yalla yalla #" "# Only to shine, shine in gold #" "# Shine # ## [tango]" "## [Middle Eastern dance]" "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# Bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# Bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# You're sneaking up from behind #" "# Trying to get into my heart and mind #" "# Here is what you will find #" "# Boom, boom, boom, there's a war in this heart of mine #" "# Well, there's no need #" "# For you to act so coy #" "# I'm just a girl #" "# You're just a pretty boy #" "# I don't want to fight you #" "# I don't want to frighten you #" "# There's just one thing I want #" "# To do #" "# When I put my finger on my pretty little trigger #" "# It goes boom, boom, boom, bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# Boom, boom, boom, bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# You're sneaking up from behind #" "# Trying to get into my heart and mind #" "# Here is what you will find #" "# Boom, boom, boom, there's a war in this heart of mine #" "# Tell me if I #" "# Am moving way too fast #" "# You're tough like nails #" "# I'm sweet like sun and gas #" "# This world can be so dark #" "# But when you point that spark #" "# If you're not careful, you will explode #" "# I think of nothin' when I'm pushing on my button #" "# I go boom, boom, boom, bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# Boom, boom, boom, bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# You're sneaking up from behind #" "# Trying to get into my heart and mind #" "# Here is what you will find #" "# Boom, boom, boom, there's a war in this heart of mine # [explosion]" "Oops!" "# La la la la la, la la la # [explosion]" "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# Bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# Bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# You're sneaking up from behind #" "# Trying to get into my heart and mind #" "# Here is what you will find #" "# Boom, boom, boom, there's a war in this heart of mine # [explosion]" "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# Bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# Boom, boom, boom #" "# Bang, bang, bang #" "# There's a war going on in this heart of mine #" "# You're sneaking up from behind #" "# Trying to get into my heart and mind #" "# Here is what you will find #" "# Boom, boom, boom, there's a war in this heart of mine #" "# La la la la la, la la la # [explosion]"