"One person's existence stays with me" "Loving is not" "Changing a thought into action" "It is the thought itself" "INOCHI" "It's a healthy baby" "Look at that flickering." "That's the heart" "Alright" "I can't let you out in your condition" "Can't have you hemorrhaging" "Been a charge against my novel" "I'm obliged to hear the verdict" "It's your obligation to rest" "Think the verdict will go against me" "If I don't show, people will think I'm running" "Is there any honor worth defending at the expense of a child?" "I'm going to have an abortion" "Then why are you here?" "For the child's right?" "I'm glad it's with us" "Are you sure?" "Can't raise a child myself" "We're finished" "Give me the key" "Please." "Have a healthy baby" "Might be my only child" "The key !" "No" "If I do, you'll lose the child" "That's what you want?" "Give it and I'll abort it" "Ok then" "Promise me you won't abort" "I don't know" "You know what you are saying?" "Then do as you wish" "No matter" "I've got no confidence to make you trust me" "It's a matter of life or death!" "May 12th Birthday Present" "Hi." "It's Yu" "It's been a while" "Yeah" "What is it?" "Past your birthday" "Sorry I forgot to get you a present" "Should forget about me too" "I want to, but" "What is it?" "Something happened?" "Yeah" "And?" "And what?" "Doesn't make sense you hate dumping him 'cause you got hurt" "I'd see if you wanted to marry him" "I don't" "An 'attachment', right?" "I know!" "But it's a year at the most" "After you left me" "I suffered a year." "I couldn't sleep" "I wanted you to be unhappy" "But after a year" "It didn't bother me imagining you with another man" "Holding hands holding each other" "You imagined that?" "Yeah" "You can take revenge or commit suicide but it's useless for writing a novel" "Be nice to see you on TV for murder" "You'd never do such a thing" "I made you a writer" "That much I'm sure of" "And I've got nothing" "I'm living in my glorious past" "If you call it that" "But you have talent" "So you have something to live for" "Don't talk like you're dying" "And everyone?" "How about you all?" "Say," "Let's make a true story as we dreamt" "If you want to change the story raise your hands!" "Please, raise your hands!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Whose words are those?" "Don't just read your lines" "You should say what's inside you" "Don't act from your mind" "If you don't change the story won't!" "Why are you crying?" "Because I want him to live" "And why is that?" "Because I love him" "Stronger!" "I Iove him!" "Stronger!" "I Iove him!" "Alright" "Never forget that" "Yes" "You got it?" "Never get cozy with your lines!" "Or the curtain will never open!" "Yes!" "Music" "Go!" "Put your life into it!" "C'mon, c'mon!" "Where you going?" "On the prowl?" "Good morning" "Stay in bed" "What?" "You should take an umbrella!" "Your child will die!" "You'll come back!" "You'll have another man's kid in a few years" "He'll desert you and you'll be lost" "Then you'll come back!" "Later" "See you" "Hey!" "How are you doing?" "What?" "What are you up to?" "Drinking and sleeping" "You eating right?" "You okay?" "Not eating much." "I'm always vomiting" "Have you seen a doctor?" "No" "You have to see one" "How was it?" "Told me to come on Monday" "Sure it's cancer" "What?" "Doctor says it's a stomach ulcer" "He asked me a lot how much I drink and smoke" "So I have cancer" "Let's go to a better hospital" "A friend can refer you" "You recommended this hospital" "Didn't think the doctor'd be so young" "It was no good" "It has a gynecology clinic too" "No way" "Really?" "That's what I thought" "I remember my words when you left" "That concerns me most" "Shouldn't you be thinking of yourself?" "Don't be disturbed" "After the suicide attempts, you care about cancer" "More like you care about your attachments" "Better lose the child fast" "Die if you want" "Realtor" "Your fax got my heart going and made me feel ill" "Tell me quick!" "I'm 4 and 1/2 months pregnant" "So what'll you do?" "There's no choice at 4 and 1/2 months" "I see" "Alright" "What?" "That's what I thought" "Is it a girl or a boy?" "I don't know yet" "So when are you expecting?" "February 1st" "She's having a baby!" "I know" "Problems with the father" "What kind of father?" "A married father" "Now that's a problem" "Does he have a child?" "No" "Then there's no problem" "What?" "A husband and wife are strangers" "Without a child, they can be strangers under the same roof" "That unborn child is his descendant" "Looks and personality will become similar" "Go and have the baby!" "It'll bring him back eventually" "He's not divorcing, right?" "No paternity admission or funds" "You may dream of a normal life but we shouldn't think that way" "Why'd you say that?" "What?" "Why make her so hopeful?" "She should have the baby" "It's not so simple!" "She won't die so easily" "Not after having a baby" "Serves her right!" "Back when she was 1 4 or 1 5" "I wondered when she would commit suicide" "And now at last I am free" "I'm to blame for taking a man and getting rid of father" "But she had a habit of closing in on death" "Even I thought about killing her and dying with her" "But" "I couldn't" "You can't die when you have kids" "Women won't die" "So it serves her right!" "Hooray!" "Hooray !" "Breathe in." "Stop" "Now swallow" "Relax" "It's going in." "Relax." "Let the saliva drop" "Your relationship with Higashi?" "We're like family" "I see so I'll be straight with you" "Go ahead and say anything" "The cancer has spread to your lungs" "Liver and lymph joints" "After consultation we decided on drugs and radiation treatment" "No point in an operation?" "I believe so" "How long do I have if we do nothing?" "In a month you wouldn't be able to eat" "And if I take the treatment?" "I think 8 months" "First anti-cancer drugs and then radiation for 3 weeks" "2 weeks rest, then 3 weeks of it again" "And the side effects?" "Nausea, languidness, loss of appetite, sore throat" "Depending on the person." "Hair loss, stomatitis, inflamed gullet, stricture" "Your choice ?" "Have to commit suicide" "He'll take it!" "Guess I have to then" "You serious?" "Guess I should quit smoking" "Good idea" "'Nino' is a good name" "It means 'February Field'" "Also means the two countries of Japan and Korea" "You eating right ?" "Be careful" "And" "I think the baby should take Japanese citizenship" "I went to the city hall yesterday and they said the child can get Japanese nationality with the father's recognition before birth" "Can choose the surname too" "A prejudiced system" "Now's not the time for that" "Impossible" "He wants to postpone telling his wife" "Nationality is a lifetime issue!" "So what'll you do?" "No use getting angry at her" "I want to have the baby but" "I've got no confidence" "Yeah." "Because you have your work" "My mother and sister have their jobs" "You want me to help ?" "Will you?" "I'm just the old boyfriend" "Well, if I wasn't this sick I guess I could help" "Could you?" "Smoking won't kill me." "The cancer will" "Don't say it again" "Cancer" "But" "If you make the decision it'll be okay" "You'll have a good child" "Once you get out, will you live with me?" "I'll find a new apartment" "You could help with the child and" "and I could cook for you" "The baby's already four months" "I will bring him up by myself" "I don't think about to depend on anybody" "I never expect that you will say this" "Yeah" "Couldn't imagine you raising a child yourself" "Higashi Yutaka lost his mother to illness at age 7" "Doesn't remember his mother's love" "While I just wanted to be free from my unhappy's 'family'" "I think we both lived unbelieving in blood ties" "We didn't desire 'family' but rather something that resembled a family" "Even when I lived with Higashi for 1 0 years from 1 7 years old" "I sometimes felt we were like lovers" "But it was just our need for like family ties" "Remember how to wash rice because you'll have to get married someday" "Hand like this" "Soap?" "No need" "What were you raised on?" "Relax" "With your palm" "Clumsy" "You look younger" "Really?" "Good you can't drink" "Ha." "I'm drinking on the sly" "You!" "Hello" "Hello" "We'll be off now" "Right" "See you later" "Goodbye" "Hey" "Yes" "Remember a classmate by the name of Tanabe?" "Yeah" "That guy Tanabe has been phoning around telling people to visit me in the hospital to get energy" "10 come a day and rob me of my vitality" "Really" "Ellen said I should go to New York for treatment" "What?" "Have to listen to Ellen, right?" "You're really going to New York?" "Somehow. some way" "I have to live until your child can call my name" "You need me beside you, right?" "It's been such a long time since I had a clear reason for living" "Don't worry" "You'll get better" "What?" "It moved !" "The baby just moved !" "Because it wants to meet you" "It wants to call your name" "People care for you more than you think" "People love you" "I'm sure there'll be a miracle" "When are you going?" "Depends on his condition but we're thinking about December" "I have to tell you that" "We're not exactly behind the times" "Where do you want him to die?" "What's your point?" "If I must die, it may as well be in the mountains" "So Doctor, can he get the same treatment here as in the United States?" "Won't say that" "If a medicine gets approved for lung cancer it can't be used for other organs" "In the US, one approval means it can be used wherever" "But risk comes along with that" "An experiment" "Experiment?" "I want to see how US medical treatment can be" "She could write info for Japanese cancer patients" "I read several books on cancer" "There're too many psychological theories about fighting cancer and living with it" "I think if I have cancer I should get treatment" "Only this can help to win the cancer" "Yes" "Only this can help to win the cancer" "May as well help people if I'm going to die" "It's 145 over 80" "Yes" "I've never seen anyone gain 15kg at nine months" "The baby's weight is below average" "More weight slows nutrition intake" "Toxemia of pregnancy is scary" "Understand ?" "Yes" "What is it ?" "I got that guy to sign the paternity form" "I'm finished" "Don't want to deal with him" "How long are you going to trouble people?" "Don't you pity your child?" "Do we need any unhappy kids in the world ?" "Dear Yu Miri," "A week in New York and my English is bad as usual" "But I understand very well what Ellen says" "Some interesting things" "She says: 'Take off your pajamas and underwear'" "I say: 'Everything?" "Bottom too?" "'" "'Just the top' she says and rubs ointment" "That'll be her job while I have this cold" "Maybe similar to your 'something like family'" "Now clearly two lives breathing within me" "The more I try to protect them, the more I feel pushed to a terrible loneliness" "Today I went to a maternity school" "Please tell us what you're enjoying and how you are doing this" "Yes" "I used to get good massages but since I got pregnant I get even more" "We take pictures once a week for a maternity" "Before going to sleep he puts his ears up to listen for movements" "Its makes me so happy" "Excuse me" "Tell us about the happiness you're feeling now" "I'm happy... about nothing" "Nothing at all" "I'm sorry" "It's alright" "Are you feeling okay ?" "It just became the year 2000 here" "Still excited about the millennium there, right?" "I don't feel like celebrating" "In Japan I was told I had 8 months and 5 months have passed" "The millennium of my life" "You should sleep" "Yeah" "One more month" "Yeah" "Watch what you eat" "I'm invited to the Okamoto house tomorrow" "You met them right?" "No worries if I eat Kyoko's home cooking" "Go to sleep" "Yeah, bye" "It's ready" "I" "I just couldn't think you become a mother" "Can see me getting toxemia though" "Not too salty so it should be okay" "Thank you" "When's Higashi coming back?" "January 8 is the plan" "Somebody like him is more suited to a place like America" "He's too proud to ask for medical help" "The one person he can't oppose is Ellen Stewart" "Ellen Stewart?" "A person who once led him to Off Broadway" "She's an 80 year old black woman but pretty spry for her age" "So she's taking care of him over there?" "I hear she takes care of him like a son" "And Kamata of the Weekly Post helps out plus two girls from the theatre went along" "I should have gone along as well" "In your condition?" "Help yourself" "How is it?" "Delicious" "Really?" "It's not" "Thank you" "Thank you" "Thank you very much" "Welcome back" "I'm home" "You okay?" "You lost all your hair." "Still have some of it left" "Take off your hat" "No way" "We'll go ahead" "Thanks" "Yu," "Higashi tried his best" "He still has hope" "He can get projections at a Japanese hospital" "Hospitals here are more optimistic now" "You're stronger" "I won't lose to cancer" "Let's try" "Yes" "You okay?" "You screamed" "I'm okay" "What time is it?" "After 2 a.m." "Have to work" "Eat something?" "No." "I feel nauseous" "Ouch!" "What is it?" "Pain in 5 minute intervals" "But I'm due in two weeks" "You call the hospital?" "Let's go." "It's not normal pain" "I can get a taxi myself" "How you carrying your stuff?" "Why the manuscript?" "PCs are forbidden" "Wait I'll get a taxi" "If not for his cancer," "I might have aborted the fetus" "When one denied the end of life how can one take the beginning of life away?" "I felt a mysterious bonding between the existence of the fetus and the cancer" "INOCHI" "Hey" "You must be worn out" "I'm okay" "I'll give Kamata a call" "You okay?" "I'll attach this to your stomach" "We need your strength and the baby's for delivery" "This is a bit cool" "Let's do our best" "C'mon" "Hurts?" "Should I call?" "Should I?" "Go" "Go" "Go" "Go" "That's the way" "Good!" "Now push your abdomen" "When you feel pain, push" "That's the way" "Hold it in, now push" "You're doing fine, good" "If it hurts, exhale" "Happened faster than expected" "Be soon now" "Now tense up if it hurts" "That's right, hold it in now" "This way" "Here's the head." "See it?" "No" "Don't have to strain" "Put your hands down" "Relax" "Let's breathe correctly" "Little bit more" "The baby's out" "Congratulations!" "Congratulations !" "It's a healthy boy 2 weeks early but still a big boy" "Born at 9:24 a.m." "You did well" "Congratulations" "You were here?" "Yes" "The baby?" "In the newborn room" "A miracle" "Miracle?" "The rain turned to snow after you went to the delivery room" "snow fell down" "the baby welcomed me" "When someone's born, someone dies" "That's how the world turns" "While thinking of that" "On January 17 at 9:24 a.m." "a 3 kg healthy baby was born" "From the delivery room to the waiting room was like a runway" "A brilliant actor came down" "Looked like a spotlight was on the nurse" "The baby is born'" "'It's a boy'" "'Both are well'" "I followed right after the nurse" "To my left was your room and the baby's on my right" "In that room there was only one baby" "Like to hold him?" "May I?" "Here" "The first person this child met was neither father nor mother" "but me," "Higashi Yutaka" "I witnessed my own rebirth right before my eyes" "Held him with these hands" "His birth is a miracle to me" "No other way to say" "Can I hold him again?" "Watch his neck" "Takeharu" "Little Take" "Mother, look at his nice long fingers" "Be kind with those fingers" "Don't be a boy who makes women cry" "Hold him" "What?" "I don't know if I deserve to" "C'mon, you're a grandmother" "If he'll take me" "Well okay then" "Let's take a picture!" "Really?" "Alright" "Yu too" "Okay, say cheese" "I want to hold him but I'm worried about his neck" "Me too, so I haven't held him either" "Shouldn't hold him before you" "I really want you to hold him, Kyoko" "Okay" "Let's have Kyoko hold you" "You'll be okay" "This baby has your marks" "We look similar?" "Not looks, what's the word an 'imprint'?" "For me, you're a person who has a dear fragrance," "so Takeharu has become dear to me as well" "Going up" "At the New York hospital" "After using Taxol," "Irinotecan was considered" "I think taking Nedaplatin and" "Vindeshine is more effective" "If that doesn't work that means taking Irinotecan?" "Japan's standards aren't low" "If that's the case, give me 2 years to live" "I'm not asking for a recovery or 5 years" "If you can keep me alive 2 years," "I'll be grateful" "What temperature again?" "38C for summer, -40C in winter" "OK then, here we go" "Cold, cold" "It's okay, into the bath" "Hey!" "From his face, not his hair" "Oh yes" "Sorry" "I'll wipe it later so keep going" "Alright" "What're you doing ?" "Water in his ear !" "Sorry, okay, okay" "Calm down" "Right, sorry" "Should I sleep here tonight ?" "We should take turns" "Not in your condition" "It's OK, I'll sleep with him" "What?" "I don't want to disturb you but" "Taxol in New York didn't work" "The lung and liver cancer got bigger" "Know from the endoscope that it moved up from my esophagus" "Taxol didn't work?" "If it didn't work," "Why did you go to America?" "Can't complain now" "Let's think about the next treatment" "Okay" "That's enough" "Okay, come here" "Need to burp?" "C'mon, burp, burp" "Extend his life so he can get genetic therapy" "It might take a few years before genetic therapy is advanced enough to fight cancer" "How do you know?" "What about immunity therapy?" "No probability?" "I can't say for sure" "That's all I can say" "Shouldn't we try something with drugs for the radiation?" "If immunity works so could Chinese medicine" "We act on data" "Statistics mean nothing" "Might work on one but not another but either way, I want to live!" "I understand" "So we have to take the best odds" "Trying everything will offset your chances" "What's after irinotecan?" "We can't think far ahead" "What does that mean?" "It means I'll die beforehand" "We're back" "Say 'We're home'" "You're taking morphine?" "I have to" "Can't take care of Takeharu if I'm in pain" "Have hallucinations?" "Like Takeharu being a mad dog?" "Or an obsession to kill him with a kitchen knife before he bites me?" "Don't say such things" "Could be possible though" "Hey" "Isn't he smiling?" "What?" "Hey!" "He smiled" "He did" "His first smile ever" "The first!" "No seconds for you" "Okay, ready Takeharu?" "Now mother and daughter" "Ready" "Higashi too" "OK, smile" "Great" "Thanks" "I'll go get the tablet and" "Higashi's good luck charm" "I'll go too" "And Takeharu ?" "I'll take care of him" "Your shoulders okay" "I'm fine" "Should I hold him?" "It's okay" "He's great." "Not many men can" "Okay, thanks" "I'll photograph them" "What'll we play with?" "Don't run !" "Daddy !" "I'm sorry" "Sorry" "Good morning" "Hello" "We're going to Dr Oiwa's clinic" "Oiwa?" "You forgot?" "Oh, that really radical doctor" "If it's true he uses aggressive methods I want in" "We'll check if you can transfer" "Anything to add to your prior questions?" "Just personality" "Oh" "Personality is important to someone like me" "That's right" "And Takeharu?" "He's with the Okamotos" "What do you see?" "Fireworks" "What?" "Again, exploding" "I can't see them" "No," "It's a fire" "Smoke is rising Can't you see it?" "No" "A hallucination" "I guess" "Side effects of morphine" "Not so surprising" "This photo was taken on February 9th" "We didn't bring one for today but" "the diameter doubles in a month" "The diameter doubling means 8 times the volume" "Sorry to be so crude but to us being 'spirited' is important" "I'll go with someone good spirited with bad data over someone bad spirited with good data" "If the patient doesn't want to give up," "I'll go to hell and back" "But they all end up dying" "I just broke off with Dr Yamamuro" "What?" "And" "He claimed hormone treatment doesn't work" "On top of that he says if we're not convinced by their methods we should go with doctors we believe" "That means transfer" "Right" "Dr Oiwa's no good, so hurry and find a place with a single room and no exam and with a high calorie drop treatment" "Okay" "Kamata, he split off with the doctor" "Can you find anohter place for him?" "Hello?" "Hurry!" "I faxed the office" "Phone them !" "A fax isn't urgent" "Not good at that" "There's no time for that!" "80% chance" "We'll have a final answer tomorrow morning" "We'll think about it too and phone you back say hello to the editor" "I got a phone call as well" "Told me to help him change hospitals" "There might be a place in Nagasaki" "Nagasaki?" "Higashi's classmate introduced it" "Want to call directly?" "Yes" "Here's the number" "Yes" "095 - 801 -151 1" "Sorry, could you repeat that?" "095 - 801 -1 51 1" "Wait." "Could you hold on a second?" "Then I'm hanging up" "Hello" "Dr Yamamuro." "What's happening?" "What'd he say?" "Dr Yamamuro told me to tell you directly so I will" "Even if it's just keeping you on the drip you can stay" "Since he met you he wanted to stay until the end and he still feels the same way now" "If it's okay with you, please stay" "What'll it be?" "Guess I'll stay" "It's hard moving around" "I'll rest a bit" "Bye now" "It's yummy, yummy" "What's wrong?" "Why're you crying?" "Sorry, sorry" "Sorry, sorry, sorry" "Doctor, anything besides morphine causing hallucinations?" "Sometimes it can be mental" "Mental sickness?" "Even if you're not ill it can come after you" "Right now Higashi is fighting against the fear of death" "How long does he have?" "After one week I'm not sure" "That means it could be a week" "or even tomorrow" "Yes, that's possible too" "It's strange" "When I learned I had cancer last year" "I somehow didn't feel anything" "I thought that" "I'd be able to accept my own death" "When Takeharu gets big, what do you want to do for him?" "Well there's no time" "If possible, I want to teach him a word" "Well, not just words" "Yu and I live dealing with words" "So rather than just words" "I really want to talk to Takeharu, talk with him" "I have a strong desire to live until I can do that" "But" "it doesn't seem possible" "Somehow, some way, I wanted to live until I could talk with Takeharu" "Ken" "What's wrong?" "Keep him busy" "He's here for the meeting about the play" "I'll be out later" "Higashi, nobody's coming here, nobody!" "We need something for the hallucinations" "Hurry before they come" "Look here, Higashi" "Nobody's coming, nobody" "He okay?" "Calm down" "Don't just stand there, idiot" "We're on stage" "Please hurry" "I'll be right back" "Higashi" "What's wrong?" "It's too crowded here Have to get out" "Higashi, Higashi" "It's OK so sleep" "That hurts" "Sorry" "I'll sleep in my own room" "You should sleep with the baby" "The medicine doesn't work at all" "Please make him go to sleep" "Please" "The bathroom?" "Slowly now one, two one, two" "Why's there a sponge cake here?" "An illusion?" "No illusion" "Ms. Miyagawa brought it" "Is it good?" "Pretty good" "I'll get tea" "You skipped a line!" "Go!" "Harder!" "C'mon" "Don't think, feel it idiot!" "Lie down" "Make a promise?" "A promise?" "Will you kill me?" "What ?" "When would I?" "When I have an incurable sickness, when I'm in agony or something or when I get Alzheimer's, or lose myself in mental illness" "When I lose control over my own life or death" "Would you kill me?" "Okay" "Kill me if I get like that too" "It's a promise" "What's wrong?" "You gonna choke me?" "Oh, you want to hold my hand" "You're a mom" "How will you cook ?" "Can you make an omlette?" "When I die, you won't be able to live" "When I die you'll follow" "I want to go to a hot spring" "We did a lot, in ten years, here and there with my manuscript" "and my PC" "Why you dressed like that?" "I can go straight to the bath after" "Go back and change" "No, it's a pain" "Get away, it's embarrassing" "My belt came undone" "No panties?" "More comfortable" "You bad girl" "Can't follow you" "Let's go" "Let's go, together with Takeharu" "Let's go" "Yes" "Can I have one too ?" "Thanks" "We were like oil and water since the theatre days" "I never thought well of you" "Honestly, I hate your type" "I knew that" "If not for this" "I'd have nothing to do with you" "But now," "I'm really impressed with you" "Don't admire you but I'm impressed" "Leave it to me tonight and get rest" "Have to be a good mother" "Thank you" "Okay, okay" "No other choice" "Is it okay?" "Here you go" "How does it taste?" "Looks good" "Whoa, hot in here" "Hot?" "Nice breeze outside" "Really?" "Why don't you go outside for a bit?" "Should we?" "Go on then" "Higashi, I'm leaving today" "Please take care of him" "Yes" "Miri" "Thank you" "Thank you" "Alright now, alright" "Takeharu" "Good baby, good baby" "Takeharu" "just before he was born," "As if to heighten the dramatic tension," "I heard later from Higashi that the rain turned to snow" "The weight of life 3 kgs incomparable to any other weight" "Higashi held him with both hands and said it was a miracle" "I was able to think of Higashi, who loves Takeharu so much, as a miracle" "Oh, sorry" "Takeharu" "Let's see" "Higashi" "When I die you won't be able to live" "When I die" "You'll follow" "Higashi Yutaka passed away on april 20th, 10:51 p.m." "Did Higashi want me to follow him?" "I couldn't because I'm a mother" "Oh where is your house, child" "My house is in a faraway land" "Along a beautiful lakeside" "one two, one two" "Dedicated to the late Higashi Yutaka" "Based on the novel by YU Miri"