"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Real Burt was beamed home, but Alien Burt answered the door, much to both Burts' astonishment, so real Burt ran away, figuring two Burts would be too much for Mary." "Danny brought Millie home, much to Mary's surprise." "Chester, much the same as before, has planned a rendezvous with another woman." "And because Tim hasn't been much in the bedroom," "Corinne hasn't been getting much." "And Billy, although much younger, is very much taken with his teacher." "Too much?" "It won't be after this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate... and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells... and this is..." "Soap." "Mary?" "Oh, Mary, Mar..." "Thank God it's you, Mare." "Listen, you got to come right down here." "I got to tell you something." "It's unbelievable what I'm going to tell you." "You won't believe what I'm I going to tell you, it's so unbelievable what I'm going to tell you." "I can't tell you." "No, no, no, no, no." "Mare, Mare, you got to come here." "I can't come home." "Just come down here." "I just got to talk to you, please, now." "No, no, I'm not in any trouble." "Nothing like that." "Yeah, I'm in a little trouble." "I'm in a lot of trouble here, Mary." "Get down here right away." "Why?" "Now, Mary, listen, come..." "Mary, come on, now." "Get a hold of yourself and calm down." "All right, now." "Listen, if you see me between here and home, don't pay any attention to me." "Mary, Mary, what's the m..." "Take it..." "Mary." "Come on, now." "Take..." "Take it easy, Mary." "Just take it easy." "All right." "So, how you been?" "What?" "No." "All right, Mary." "Just..." "Down here." "I'm at Mr. Kline's." "Kline's Drugstore." "Just..." "All right, hurry." "All right, I'll be waiting for you." "Come here, Danny." "Hey, Millie." "Danny, I don't know how to say this." "What?" "What is it?" "What's the matter?" "Your father is a nymphomaniac." "You mean he lights fires?" "No." "A nymphomaniac." "He's sex-crazy." "Oh, come on, Millie." "Danny, last night, when I was taking a shower, he got in the shower with me." "When I screamed, he apologized, and said he hadn't seen me in there." "Yeah, well, that could happen, because that bathroom gets really fogged up." "Well, I thought of that too, except later, I woke up in the middle of the night and found him in my bed." "What was he doing in your bed?" "Well, let's just say it's good I woke up when I did." "He said he was walking in his sleep." "No." "No, Millie." "Burt's not like that." "I like you a lot, Danny, I really do, but..." "I got to tell you, this is really a weird place." "Danny, would you mind setting the table for dinner?" "I have to run out for a while and meet Burt." "Sure, Ma." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "So then I said," ""What do you think I am, warped?"" "Burt, what are you doing here?" "I think I live here." "Burt, you just phoned me and said I should go right over to meet you at Kline's Drugstore." "Oh, pfft, come on..." "Mary, come on now, be serious." "I mean, why would I pick Kline's?" "I'd rather meet you in bed." "See that?" "Bed." "Then who called me?" "Oh, I don't know, uh... you know, maybe it was Mr. Kline." "He's no dope." "But Burt, it was your voice." "I was with him the entire time." "He never made a call." "That's good." "The dummy verifies the sex maniac's story." "Burt, you also said that if I should see you on the way," "I should ignore you." "Mary, have you been drinking?" "Burt!" "I think the lady's ready for the cookie jar." "I am not." "I mean, uh, next thing you'll be saying is that you've seen two of us." "You didn't call me?" "Yeah, Ma, it was probably a crank call." "But it was Burt's voice." "It was his voice." "I know his voice." "Take it easy, Mary." "Take it easy." "That's the voice." "That voice." "I don't know anything about nervous breakdowns, but I think your mother's having one." "I am not!" "Maybe I am." "Mary, listen, now," "I think it's fatigue here." "You've been acting a little strange lately, and I think what this is is fatigue." "He never lets her shut her eyes." "BURT:" "So come on, go upstairs, and, you know, get a little rest." "Come on." "Just..." "Come on, Mare." "You didn't call?" "You really didn't call?" "No, Mary, come on." "Let's go." "Come on." "You're going to lie down." "I may even lie down with you." "That's the voice." "That's the voice." "Don't bother." "I'm just going to mess it up." "Something wrong?" "I think so." "What?" "Chester, I need to know something." "Are you having an affair?" "Jessica." "Jessica." "Oh, Jessica." "Jessica, Jessica, Jessica." "Am I having an affair?" "Chester, you didn't answer the question." "Well, I can't answer it, Jessica, dignify that question with an answer." "Is that a yes or a no?" "That is a no." "And I am surprised that you could even entertain such a thought." "Well, it's a whole bunch of things." "A whole bunch of little things that separately don't mean much, but, added up, they begin to look very familiar and suspicious." "Like what?" "Name one thing." "Well... for one thing, you've been acting very nice and caring and cheerful lately." "Oh, nice and caring and cheerful?" "Yes." "Would you like it if I came home and ignored you?" "If I spat on you and moved out, then you'd really feel secure?" "Oh, Chester, that's not what I mean." "That is what you said, Jess." "You were suspicious because I am nice and caring and cheerful." "And you also went back to the gym." "The gym?" "Yes." "Do you think I'm carrying on with one of the guys at the gym?" "It's just that, you know, when you were... fooling around, you went to the gym." "Jess, I've always gone to the gym." "I know." "This is very good so far." "A nice, caring, cheerful man who does push-ups is probably having an affair." "And you didn't come home last night." "I told you why, Jess, when I called." "The meeting with Ralph Hirschberg went on for so long that I missed the last train." "I stayed at a hotel." "When you did come home, you were reeking of perfume." "Ralph's." "Ralph's perfume?" "This will probably come as an enormous shock to you, Jess." "It did to me." "Ralph Hirschberg is gay." "Ralph Hirschberg?" "A queen, Jess." "Oh, but he and Maureen are so happy, and they have those two lovely children." "Uh-huh, well, that's what I kept telling myself, but when he tried to kiss me on the mouth..." "I had to believe that." "Ralph Hirschberg?" "I heard he's practically engaged to Maureen's hairdresser." "Oh." "Poor Maureen." "I should call her." "Don't tell her, Jess." "Why not?" "Why not?" "Yes." "Her heart." "It's weak enough already." "Maureen Hirschberg has a weak heart?" "Of course." "Is it any wonder, with her daughter dating a member of the PLO?" "Son sitting in the closet all day with his head in a bag of glue?" "Oh, no." "Don't you see, Jess?" "Maureen has the problems, not you." "Well, it's just that, you know, when it happened before, Chester, it hurt me so much that now the littlest thing makes me wonder." "Jess, that's because you have time on your hands." "If we were farmers, you wouldn't worry." "Because if we were farmers, you wouldn't have time." "Oh, Jessica." "I'm sorry." "Okay, I'll forgive you this time." "Come to bed." "In a moment, Chester." "Thank you." "Thank you." "So what's the problem?" "Oh, I feel terrible, Corinne." "Dutch has laid his whole life on the line for me and now I'm having second thoughts." "What do you mean?" "I am sick of him." "Good." "Everything he does bothers me." "I mean, I hate the way looks." "I hate the way he walks." "I hate the way he talks." "I hate the way he chews his food, when he bothers to chew it." "I hate everything about him." "Have you told him?" "Not yet." "Well, I wouldn't get him too angry, Eunice." "The man killed once." "I am disturbed, Corinne." "I'm a disturbed person." "I mean, when he was in jail, when we were on the run," "I adored him." "Now I've got him and I don't." "I fell in love with the event, Corinne, not the man." "I never see enough of Tim to get sick of him." "Dutch does things that drive me up the walls." "Like, do you know what he does?" "Never mind." "Oh, what?" "I can't." "It's too disgusting." "Oh, come on, tell me." "You'll throw up." "Eunice." "I can't." "Well, what does it have to do with?" "It's about..." "About..." "Never mind." "Oh, Eunice." "I'm too embarrassed." "Well, tell me quickly." "What's it about?" "Boogers!" "My God." "Oh, quick." "Hide." "Why are we hiding, Corinne?" "Look." "Put your menu down, Eunice." "Who is that?" "It's your father." "It is not." "Take another look." "So it looks a little like Daddy." "Eunice." "What are we going to do?" "I'm going to have the artichoke vinaigrette and the cold salmon with dill sauce." "No, I mean about Daddy." "Oh, Corinne, how do we even know it's him?" "Not every gray-haired man is Daddy." "It's Daddy." "No, it's not." "The ears are completely different." "It is Daddy." "That man is Daddy." "I would know Daddy anywhere." "And I wouldn't?" "It is not Daddy." "Daddy." "Not Daddy." "It is not Daddy." "It is absolutely not Daddy, and I'll tell you why it's not Daddy." "Because if that was Daddy, the woman he's with would be Mother." "It's nice here." "Very, very nice." "It..." "I like it a lot." "Good." "Why are we here?" "What do you mean?" "It's 35 miles from the nearest town on an unpaved back road." "It's not listed in the phone book." "There's not even a name on the door, and yet it's packed." "I know, and I'm ashamed of myself." "What do you mean?" "Well, It's for people who are sneaking around, like we are, who don't want to be seen, and it's not right, Billy." "I get the feeling I'm being dumped." "Listen, Billy." "I'm not just an older woman, I'm a teacher." "I don't see any good coming from this." "Terrific." "I'm being dumped an hour away from the nearest phone." "You should be out with..." "Teenage girls?" "Cheerleaders?" "Roller-skating on Jones Beach?" "Pepsi and french fries at Pop's after school?" "Look, I'd love to be with someone nice and young and full of life, who likes the same things that I do." "Well, there." "You see?" "And I am." "You are?" "Yes." "Oh." "I could learn to skate." "I hate skating." "Me too." "Good evening." "Would you, uh, care for a drink?" "Ah, yes." "Leslie?" "I'll have a vodka tonic." "And I'll have..." "Uh, may I see your I.D., please?" "My I.D.?" "You want my I.D.?" "You flatter me, sir." "I haven't been asked for an I.D. in years." "Sometime tonight would be nice." "Well, it just so happens that I left my I.D. on my... plane." "Do I have to call over the manager?" "I mean, must I really embarrass you by calling over the manager and telling him that Billy Sinatra is being checked for I.D.?" "What would you like to drink, sir?" "I'll have a 7-Up." "Very good." "Oh, you were wonderful." "Thanks." "Want to dance?" "Sure." "Clean this up." "Oh, quick." "Dip me." "What?" "Dip me, dip me." "In what?" "Sorry." "Oh, that was close." "What's wrong?" "Oh, that was Mr. Morris." "Biology 101." "You think he'll say anything?" "No, I don't believe so." "Why not?" "Because that wasn't Mrs. Morris." "Do want to go somewhere else?" "Do you?" "Nah." "I don't care who sees us, because if they see us, they have no business here either." "Amen." "Don't look." "What?" "I don't believe it." "What?" "My sister, with another man." "Do you want to go someplace else?" "Nah." "Listen, two of my teachers are here." "My sister's here." "Who else could possibly show up?" "And Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob, and Jacob begat Judas, and Judas begat Elizar, Elizar..." "You know," "I used to know these all by heart." "Really?" "Begats are great for falling asleep." "It's like counting sheep." "I know a better way with a little less talking." "Begat Solomon, and Solomon begat Boas, and Boas begat Obit." "You going to be finished soon?" "Corrine, this isn't the Harold Robbins novel." "This is the Bible." "One doesn't finish the Bible." "Jesse begat David." "David begat Solomon, and Solomon begat Erin, and Erin begat Ellias, and Elazar begat..." "Tim." "Corrine, please." "Look, I don't mind a little begatting, but how about begatting around with me a little bit?" "I mean, come on already." "Let's begin the begats." "My religion is very important to me." "You're using your religion as and excuse to avoid me, and I find that detestable." "I can't help it if I'm the way I am." "I have certain needs." "And I don't?" "Well, look at you." "It looks like you're wearing a spider's web." "Oh." "So I'm cheap, is that it?" "I'm an oversexed tart, right?" "There doesn't seem to be anything else on your mind these days." "Are you calling me a nympho?" "No, I didn't say that." "Well, that's okay." "Go ahead, say it." "Say it, Father Flotsky." ""Corinne, me darling, you're a cute lass, but you're a nympho."" "If the shoe fits, Corinne..." "So you are calling me a nympho." "You just admitted it." "You called me a nympho." "JESSICA:" "Yoo-hoo!" "Come in." "Hello." "I heard you two fighting and I thought you'd like some cocoa." "No, thanks." "Corinne?" "No, thanks, Ma." "Did you hear that?" "The priest called me a nympho." "Nympho?" "Is that one of the Marx Brothers?" "I may as well be married to a eunuch." "Did you hear that?" "Eunuch." "I didn't say you were a eunuch." "I said you might as well be one." "I don't see the difference." "You called me a nympho." "No, I didn't." "You called me a eunuch." "No, I didn't." "You didn't?" "No." "You want to go to bed now?" "I have to finish Leviticus." "Eunuch." "Nympho." "Aha." "Here it is." ""Eunuch."" "I don't know what else to do, Tim." "I mean, I've done everything I know how." "I've been patient." "I've been angry." "I've been understanding." "I've been obstinate." "So what are you saying, Corinne?" "That you want other men?" "No." "I don't want other men." "I want you." "Corrine, he's a eunuch." "Ma, why don't you go make some coffee." "Okay." "Do you suppose his father was a eunuch too?" "Ma..." "So..." "So..." "You want a divorce?" "Do you?" "No." "Oh." "Me either." "But I think we should get one." "So do I." "Then I guess I should go." "Tim..." "You wanted me, Corinne, and I was a priest." "I wanted you, but I was a priest, so I left the church, now I'm leaving you." "I love the church, Corinne, and I still do, and I love you just as much... but I can't have you." "You can have me." "I'm still here for you." "I can't, Corinne." "As much as want to, I can't." "As much as I love you, my past won't let me." "I tried, but I can't undo all those years." "But I love you." "And I love you... too much to stay." "I'm going to say goodbye to my son." "Oh, Ma." "Corinne, darling." "I've lost him." "No, Corinne." "No, you haven't lost him." "He's leaving me." "Darling, you loved him for something he never was, something you'd hoped he'd be, and he loved you the same way." "So you see, you never really lost each other, because in order to do that, you've got to find each other first, and you never did." "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Millie and Danny ever have a meaningful relationship?" "What could it possibly be based on?" "What will Corinne do now that Tim has left her?" "Will it be more fun?" "What will happen with Billy and his teacher?" "Will he be tested on it?" "Now that the real Burt called Mary, and the alien Burt told her he didn't, what will Mary do if the real Burt calls her again?" "What will Corinne and Eunice do now that they've seen Chester in a restaurant with another woman?" "Will they tell Jessica?" "Will they finish lunch first?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."