"Move over." "I wanna slide in so we can take the picture for our website." "If you wanna get all lesbian with me, go for it." " Don't pretend it's for the website." " It is." "And for the record, in 2009, when Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it I kissed one and didn't." "Ready?" "One, two, and:" "[CAROLINE SCOFFS]" "Perfect." "This photo does not say, "Let us do your child's birthday party."" "It says, "We're an AC/DC tribute band and you can pay us in cocaine."" "Oleg, will you take a picture of us for our website?" "You realize you asked a man who only takes pictures of his penis." "Yes, but it's always well lit and perfectly in focus." "You won't be disappointed." "I take lots of website pictures." "Yeah, but we're not wearing just bras and chicken masks." "We have time." "Maybe we should rethink the coke-whore picture." "Well, good night, ladies." "Sleep tight." "Don't let the bedbugs bite." "And I remember a time in New York when that was more cute than accurate." "MAX:" "Night, Earl." "CAROLINE:" "Night." "Earl, I have come across a $6 inaccuracy in tonight's total." "Go over all checks again." "Han, I'm just on my way home." "But it is not yet 2 a.m. I hate to play the heavy but you must sit down and go over checks again." "Han, I am 75 years old." "I don't even have enough time left to wipe twice." " Well, well." "Hello there." "SOPHIE:" "Oh." "Such a gentleman." "And what a well-behaved boy." " Oh, there are the girls." "CAROLINE:" "Sophie, hello." "You look pretty." " Mm-hm, I know." "Hmm." "CAROLINE:" "Ha, ha." "Oh, sorry, the kitchen's closed." "SOPHIE:" "What?" " Kitchen was closed but can now be open again for such a beautiful woman." "Hello, I am the chef." "Oh, here we go." "Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland." "It's Double-D Day." "Oleg, this is our neighbor Sophie." "I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu." "Yowza." "You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret Angel." "I'd like to Gisele on your Bündchens." "[OLEG GROANS]" "You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog." "Well, there goes his photography career." "Do you still want the sausage?" "Yes, of course." "Why should sausage suffer?" "You know how to handle yourself." " Impressive." "SOPHIE:" "Mm-hm." "That was like a game of Rock, Paper, Pervert." "Thank you for coming in." "Max and I want to talk about taking you up on your offer to work for your cleaning company." "She wants to do it for money I wanna do it because I like rummaging through strangers' medicine cabinets." "Have you cleaned houses before?" "Well, I had a house and it was very clean." "But whatever the task, you won't be sorry." "Max and I are a great team and when we set our mind to something, we accomplish it and" "Oh, stop." "This is not a dental school interview." "Come on, this is scrubbing toilets." "In or out?" "We're in." "All the way." "When someone has to tell you they're all the way in you better hope their tongue works." "[LAUGHS]" "So dirty." "Ha, ha." "We can start tomorrow." "Tell us where to go, we'll be there." "Oh, okay." "Well, you walk out your door, you take right, you go upstairs uh, you open my door, and you clean my apartment." "Is audition." "Can't I just take off my shirt, like in Fame?" "Excuse me, here is your nonsexual appetizer." "You and I will start small." "You like?" "Yes." "Good boy." "Now go." "Forced to clean Sophie's apartment?" "This is getting dicey." "Next thing you know, we're in a crate on our way to the Far East." "Max, we're gonna spend this money on our website, the future of our company." "The future's far in the future and I need this money now for real stuff, like gummy bears and eyeliner." "How do you think you get to the future?" "Uh, Marty McFly and a DeLorean." "We don't need the website yet." "We got the birthday cupcake job without it." "And where do you think we got that job?" "I don't know, the job fairy?" "I don't pay attention to business." "At the web design company, I overheard someone say it was his son's birthday." "Gross." "Using children for your own profit." "Way to go, China." " Well, here we are." " Why is this big news?" "Come in." "So if this all works out today, I have two possible jobs for you both in the same building." "Two?" "That's amazing." "This is the only way I can make sure that you don't ruin my company's good name." "Because I work hard to build Sophie's Choice." "Hmm." "Now, uh, one of you take bathroom and one of you take out here." " Who does which?" " Bathroom." "I'm gonna go with bathroom." "I love a challenge." "If not perfect clean, no job." "Begin." "Watch out, ladies, I'm about to go H.A.M. on this B-room." "What is this "H.A.M."?" "Hard as a mother." "What?" "Ha, ha." "Max, I love when you're dirty." "[SOPHIE LAUGHING]" "Oh, very impressive." "You clean like bull." "Roar of cleaning, ha, ha." "Oh, no big deal." "I was lifting up couches when I was 6." "Help my mom look for change and her boyfriend's tooth." "CAROLINE:" "I'm almost finished in here." "This one like to make big announcements about nothing, yes?" "MAX:" "Yes." "Hey, does that electric cigarette work?" "Yes." "Yeah, I smoked for seven years, and then I quit when I was 12." "Uh, yeah." "I didn't want to die of lung cancer before I was teenager." " Can I get a hit?" " Oh, yeah, please, try." "Yeah, I have many more in the drawers." "I smoked the summer I shucked oysters on a gay cruise." "Ooh, glamorous." "Almost done, two-minute warning." "Be prepared to be amazed." "Max, you shouldn't smoke." "You'll get" "What?" "Electrocuted?" "[COUGHS]" "This is silly." "If I'm gonna suck on something this hard and get no pleasure out of it, I should just date." " I think you're gonna be thrilled." " Okay." "Oh, she stinks." "Oh." "Spritz." "Spritz." "She is sprayer." "All mirror, no toilet." "She's sort of new to this kind of work." "She was born rich, but her father stole money from people." "She was thrown out of her townhouse and disgraced." "Hmm, yes." "Well, she clean like rich girl." ""Hey, everybody, look." "Look what I'm doing." "Oh, spritz, spritz." "Ooh."" "See, you, not born rich, and you, you're like roar, ha, ha." "Right?" "Cleaning's not her thing, but she has other strengths." "Hmm, I don't see them." "Uh, so do we not have the job?" "No, I give you job because one bull equal two girls." "But why you need her, I don't know." "You could make much more money on your own." "Yeah, well, we're kind of a team." "Listen, Max." "Let me tell you something." "She is like rock, tied to you, balloon." "See, she hold you down." "You cut her loose and phew." "Yeah, well, heh, she's not weighing me down." "I had lover who was rock and I let him go and phew." "I'm finished and I have to say, that bathroom?" "Nailed it." "Don't push it." "She saw it." "She barely looked at it." "I saw you in the mirror." "Your eye never looked down." "Yes, that's because this eye doesn't go down." "See, I'm trying." "Yeah." "Yeah, I have blind spot from accident as child." "When I was 6 years old, while working in Polish knock-off of McDonald's in Warsaw, I fell on hot McStick." "How did you fall on a hot stick?" "Not a stick that is hot." "A hot McStick." "It's meat on a stick." "And it's very popular." "They only have it, like, wha-- Two times a year." "It's like McRibs." "Sophie, I'm so sorry." "That's awful." "Yeah, but I bet that McStick thing is delicious." "It is." "Well, that must have been hard." "I admire your courage." "What are you, counselor from UNICEF?" "You are acing this interview." "Phew." "Do you know where we are?" "This whole building is models." "Life is so funny." "When I lived in Manhattan, I used to come to model parties here." "And now you clean up their poop." "You're right, life is funny." "There's the apartment upstairs tomorrow." "10.1, here it is." "How do I look?" "Maybe he's the Abercrombie model from the ad in the white sleigh with the fleece jacket and eight-pack." "I don't think it's him." "Hi, I'm Big Bill." "Come on in, girlies." "How many packs did you say?" "Oh, what a lovely" " Oh." "Oh, my God." "Look, Max, he's a figure skater." "Heh." "Go ahead." "Take it all in." " How could you not?" "Heh." " Ha, ha." "It's okay." "I'm a model." "I'm used to it." "Hey." "I know you." "You're the Big Bill." "The guy from the gag greeting cards." "Yep." "I sold 2 million of that particular card." "On the front, it says, "You're on..." When you open it" " Thin ice." "BILL: "Thin ice." Right." "Oh, I gotta go in my bedroom and change." "I'll be right back." "Wow, Big Bill." "No, big bye-bye." "We're not staying here." "If that's on the wall, who knows what's on the floor, or trapped underneath." "This is an uncomfortable work environment." "You were gonna be on all fours scrubbing a toilet." "It was always gonna be an uncomfortable environment." "Okay, if we're staying, that's three times the amount of man." "We should get double the money." "I'm calling Sophie and telling her." "Um, I would not suggest you complain to Sophie." "Not a good idea." "Why?" "Do you know something I don't?" "She thinks you don't know how to clean." "That you spritz, spritz." "What does she say about your cleaning skills?" "I'm a bull and I roar." "I knew she didn't like me." "She only has eye for you." "Who cares?" "Just clean better." "Do the living room." " I'll do the bathroom." " No, I'll do the bathroom." "Just to prove a point." "I mean, reprove it." "This is like when they made me take the SATs again away from all the Asian kids." "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Why are you freaking out?" "You've seen him naked." "It's not him." "Have you seen the size of this toilet?" "That is a big-ass toilet." "Literally." "Max, I'm finished." "The ﬂoor is so clean you could eat off it, and I'm sure he will." "Come on in, I want you to see it." "No, no, no." "Go down, go down." "Stop." "Please stop." "Never mind, don't need you to see it." "Everything's okay." "How's it going out there?" "Either your water just broke, or you pee like a Smurf." "My shoes!" "No, you did not ﬂush a whole roll of paper towels." "No, you did not use that tone with me when my good shoes are wet." " Shut off the valve!" " Valve?" "MAX:" "Oh, God, what is wrong with you?" "How can you not know where a toilet valve is?" "I was rich." "But you have to admit, the mirror?" "Nailed it." "Wake up, you lazy bitch!" " What?" " Fire!" "Fired?" "Why, because of the toilet?" "Look at the oven." "The cupcakes." "Oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep." "I was just gonna lay down for five minutes." "I asked you to do one thing while I went out to get more milk." "Take the cupcakes out of the oven." "Happy birthday, kids." "From Max's Homemade Cupcakes." "Learn more about us and our blackened cupcakes on our expensive website." "I'm sorry, Max." "I just really needed a little siesta after all that cleaning." "How are you so good at Spanish and so bad at cleaning?" "What is that smell?" "I grabbed my purse and ran." "Caroline burnt cupcakes." "Oh, so sad." "Look at all those burnt cakes." "What happened here?" "Just a little mishap." "I was so tired from cleaning that bathroom that I laid my head down and ended up falling asleep." "Oh, such a shame." "Oh, look, Max." "These cupcakes, they're hard as rocks." "All you have to do is throw the rock away, and phew." "I don't think Sophie likes me." "What?" "She loves you." "No." "I don't think she has a blind spot, I think she has a blond spot." "For me." "Well, I think we found the place where Red Bulls come to die." "Man, why do I never get invited to parties like this?" "Look." "Do you know what that means?" "Yeah, this building has a real shirt shortage." "You think this might be the Abercrombie model's apartment?" "I doubt it's the Abercrombie model's apartment." "Here's a note." "Addressed to the cleaning dude." "Dude spelled D-O-O-D." "It definitely might be the Abercrombie model's apartment." ""Wake me when you get here." He wants us to wake him." "So do you think he sleeps in the nude?" "Yeah, nude." "N-O-O-D." "[BOTH LAUGH]" " Come on, let's go look." " Oh, oh, oh." "So, what?" "Seeing this guy naked is no longer an "uncomfortable work environment"?" "It's still uncomfortable but in that exciting uncomfortable Way." "[WHISPERING] I think it is him." "It's the guy who put the "abs" in Abercrombie." " And he's naked." "The good naked." " Oh." "Should we lift the sheet?" "[WHISPERING] Why not?" "I already lifted it in my mind." "Max, I got this." "You start cleaning up the mess out there." "Heh." "You start cleaning the mess out there." "I got this." "Bedroom's attached to bathrooms, and I do the bathrooms." " And he's my ideal type." " By doing the bathrooms do you mean flooding them?" "By ideal, do you mean unconscious?" "Shh." "We can talk out there." "You're gonna wake him." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's what we're supposed to do." "As usual, you don't wanna do the job." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] What's wrong with you?" "You're acting weird." "Why should I do all the heavy lifting while you nap and see free model penis?" "Heavy lifting?" "Where did you get that from?" "No one." "Sophie." " I knew she didn't like me." " It's not that she doesn't like you." " She doesn't think you're" " Doing anything?" "Not pulling my weight?" "She thinks I'm dead weight?" "Not dead weight, more like a rock to my balloon." "What is that, some kind of Polish haiku?" "What does that even mean?" "She thinks if I cut the rock loose, I'll go phew." "Wait, so you're siding with a woman you met a week ago over me?" " I'm not siding with anyone." "I'm just" " I know what this is." "This is Pick on the Rich Girl." "It's a poverty smack-down." "I heard you two talking while I was in her bathroom spritz-spritzing." "You think you do everything?" "Fine, do everything." "You can balloon all over this place because the rock is leaving." "[KNOCKING]" "Who is it?" "You're the rock." "I'm the balloon." "Without me lifting you out of your negative rock-ness you wouldn't have a business." "I'm the reason we have cupcake jobs." "Oh, oh." "You're the reason?" "Who stayed up all last night baking 24 more cupcakes while you were sleeping?" "You did." "And who delivered the cupcakes while you were sleeping?" "I did." "Me." "The balloon." "I floated over there and got paid for the job I got us from the website I'm trying to pay for." "Heh." "Now I'm gonna float down and wake the hot model up because contrary to what you and your gal pal may think..." "..." "I always do the job I'm hired for." " Oh, no, I am gonna wake him up." "Free model penis is my reward for doing everything tied to a rock like you." "I can't get away because you're the rock and you're heavier than my balloon." "Hey, stop." "This is cleaning job, not Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling." "Good thing I stopped by to check on you." "What is this?" "You explain it." "I gonna go wake the hot model up." "He left a note." "Just doing my job." "As usual." "So you think I'm holding Max back?" "What kind of question is this?" "Yes." "Well, you're wrong." "We're a great team." "There are some things she's better at but there are other areas where I excel." "Well, I don't see them." " That's probably because of your eye." " Oh, my" " Did you wake him up?" " Uh, no, I think he might be dead." "Oh, no." "Not the hot one." "Oh, he's my favorite." "This is all I need on Yelp." " We should call 911." " No, I got it." "What are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth." "I didn't know there was so much tongue involved." "Yeah, this is not working." "You know what?" "I know he's still alive because his manhood is knocking on my lady-door, heh." "[SOPHIE GRUNTING]" "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "He must have taken too many of those pills." "Pills?" "I got this." "Max, go get some hydrogen peroxide." " Sophie, step aside now." " Oh." "All right." "You sure you know what you're doing?" "My friend Chase Travelstead OD'd like three times, and I brought her back twice." "SOPHIE:" "Oh." "[CAROLINE GRUNTING]" "There you go." "Bring him up." "You're strong." "CAROLINE:" "Max, you hold his head back." "Open his mouth." "Back up." "[CAROLINE GRUNTING SOPHIEGASPING]" "[MAN VOMITING]" "SOPHIE:" "Oh." "I'm starting to see your worth, heh." "What?" "You're being subway creepy." "When you were punching that almost-dead guy in the stomach that was a serious balloon move." "The truth is, we're both balloons." "Yeah, but mine is, like, way cooler than yours." "It's one of those silver ones that never goes out of air." " They don't make those." "They're toxic." " Exactly." "You know you won't let me come into the kitchen and help you bake, right?" "And you know I know that without you, the job fairy would never show up, right?" "But if you ever need me to bake, I could." "No, it's cool." "You do your thing, I'll do mine." "Get your phone." "We should capture this near-death victory as our picture." "Totally." "On the count of three, think, "We made $200."" " One, two" " Hold up." "Sir, if you wanna go home with that hand, get it off my ass." "Okay, three." "[English" " US" " SDH]"