"# I'm not sick but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #" "MARK:" "Guh..." "Dobby's new workplace." "Look at them." "Healthy, happy, young people." "It reeks with the stench of optimism." " Hey, Mark!" " Hi, Dobs." "I just happened to be passing and I remember you were saying that if I happened to be passing..." "Two buses here, three buses home - five convenient buses." "Great to see you, you big freak!" "Cool place." "Wonder who's tried to jump her." "He'll have had a pop." "I'm just temping, but it's fun." "Look, I couldn't help noticing that there's a Cineworld on the high street..." " Oh, yeah?" "...and I've got all these credits left on my Mega-pass, and I'm not up to much, so..." "Shit." "I'm going out tonight for a big one with the guys." "I'm a guyl lt'd be great to do a mega gulp and movie soon, though." "I'd hate us to stop being friends." "Yeah... friends." "Yeah, we're friends, right?" "Like, if I was having a party, I'd invite you, and if you were having a party, you'd invite me." " Well, yeah." " Exactly." " Dobby..." " Yeah?" " I'm having a party." " What?" "Yeah, that's the other thing I came tell you, actually, that I'm having a party." "Would you like to come?" " Um... yeah." " Trapped in a web of her own makingl" "Oh, God." "I can't believe I'm having a party." "I am so proud of you." "There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing, no-fly zone with a ten-foot carrot up his arse." "Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party." "I'm only having a party in order to eventually get sex." "This is the only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party, Mark." "Plus, it's great for me - perfect way to see Elena!" " You haven't given up on Elena?" " Nah." "She's just playing it cool." "And I just need to do the same." "It's Snoopy in shades versus the Fonz in a fridge." "Hi, it's Elena." "Please leave a message." "Oh, hi, Elena." "Yeah, Jez here." "Just to say, you know, me and Mark are partying hard this Saturday." "I've invited everyone else and then I thought of you." "So... there's going to be some cats from the music biz, a few cats from... film and new media." "You know, a whole crowd of cool cats and crazy chicks." "Chicks with dicks, chicks without dicks, guys with dicks." "Maybe see you up here, maybe not." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Oh, great." "Oh, shit." "What is it?" "Creamy Elephant repayments?" "It's from Sophie's father." "His solicitor." "Arrangements for child maintenance, visitation..." "Oh, God." "Wow." "That's pretty real." "I don't want to stickle or negotiate." "Wouldn't feel right." "Yeah, just sign that shit up." "That's what I'd say." "Sign and recline - that's my motto." "Yeah." "Am I really going to take his advice?" "The finest legal mind of his generation?" "MARK:" "Only three hours to go." "Three lasagnes to nail." "Need another?" "Chicken lasagne?" "I've seen it on menus, but only at those pretend pubs at the airport." "Hey, man!" " What the hell are you doing?" " I'm gaffer-taping bin bags to the floor." "Right." "Why?" "To protect the carpet from all the various fluids." "But it looks like a crack den." "I know!" "Why the hell have you bought so much food?" "Because I'm making four different kinds of lasagne." "Nobody cares about the food at parties, Mark." "They just want to get pissed and go ape." ""Go ape"?" "I don't want people "going ape", Jeremy." "Because there's a missing word, isn't there?" "Ape shit." "Anyway, I haven't got time for this." "I need you to start assembling an enormous salad." "Salad?" "!" "Oh, "Did you have a good time at the party?"" ""Yeah, well, I got pissed and stoned" ""and this girl took her top off and danced on the sofa like in Trading Places," ""but there was no baby leaf salad, so overall, big disappointment."" "Nobody is dancing on the Creamy Elephant." "I'll do the salad in a minute." "Right now I'm setting up puke points." "Puke points?" "!" "There are seven puke points." "The toilet is puke point HQ, obviously." "And then I've gone round emptying the bins and distributing bags as secondary puke points." "Oh, God." "This could be a disaster." "I want a night of edgy banter and tipsy indiscretions." "He wants us all lying around in our pants, flinging shit at each other." "MARK:" "Ugh, Sophie." "Not again." "I'm not having a baby - I'm having a partyl" "So what do you reckon?" "How many buttons?" "Cos, like, one is old-school, Blair on holiday." "Two is the new one." "So I was thinking maybe three, but then if I'm doing three, maybe four?" "I'm thinking of doing a reserve chicken." "What do you think?" "Five lasagnes, Mark?" "Lasagnes can't save you." "You are still going to have to talk to people, you know." " (DOORBELL RINGS)" " What if it's Dobby?" "Don't snaffle any of the mozzarella." "My ratios are right on the edge." "Gerard." "Hi, Mark!" "Tube up his nose." "The tube is back up his nose." "Oh, don't tell me I'm the first one here." "You're the first one here." "You're early." "I came a bit early because I just wanted to say, obviously, what with the whole Dobby situation," "I know things have been difficult between us, but thanks for inviting me." "Not a problem... old mate." "Ugh." "I'm in a love contest with someone who's one blocked sinus from intensive care." "Drink?" "Oh, shouldn't." "Stomach acid levels are still playing up." "I don't know if you noticed, I've got the..." "Oh... no." "She's not going to want to kiss around the mucus duct." "Nicel" "I'm just on lasagne duty, then I'll make you a weaky." "Enjoy." " Might tell Dobby he "came too soon"." " That's big of you, inviting him." "I thought it'd look petty and vindictive not to." "And as a petty and vindictive individual," "I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "It's kicking off!" "Can you help?" "I need to make sure Gerard gets incredibly fucked - booze, drugs, whatever - before Dobby arrives, just to be on the safe side." "Chemical castration." "Classic." " All right?" " You've brought a snake?" "Yeah." "MARK:" "Oh, God, he's brought a venomous plus-one." "All these young spunks swarming about, you need a USP to gain a market share." "Whoa, snake!" "Massive!" "What's it called?" "Dunno." "Fucking rental snake, innit?" "It is... safe, isn't it, Hans?" "Yeah..." "Well, it should be." "Red next to black, jump the fuck back." "Red and yella, cuddly fella." "But red is next to black." "Yeah, I dunno..." "It's fine!" "He's been milked, I should think." "MARK:" "Where is everyone?" "Where's Dobby?" "Oh, God." "Our party's a disaster." "Let's face it, give up." "Call a truce, everyone can go home." "We tried, we failed." "Mark, it's only 8.45." "Do you think it's the food?" "People hate the food?" "Yeah, that's right." "You should have put more black pepper in the lasagne." "Then it'd be rammed!" "You joke, Jeremy, but word travels." "Word travels." "No-one's dancing." "Let's try some other music." "You've had your chance." "I'm putting this on, Jeremy." "(POP MUSIC)" "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "I'm off to get a drink." "Get one for Gerard as well." "A biggie." "And dance a bit as you walk." "Dance!" "Get the dancing going." "Hope the party livens up before Dobby gets here." "It looks like the waiting room for a budget psychotherapist." "Hi, Mark." " Hi, sis, glad you could make it." " Let me tell you," "I am just about ready to get totally and utterly off my fucking nuts!" "Great." "You've noted the puke points?" "First, we need to have a talk about this six-page legal toilet paper." "Yeah, the parental agreement contract." "Yeah, thanks for having a look at that." "Maybe on Monday..." "I already called Sophie and left a message." " What message?" " Something along the lines of," ""You're fucking my brother with a broom handle" ""and my brother doesn't like being fucked with a broom handle."" "God!" "No wonder she's calling me 24/7." "No-one screws with the Corrigans, not any more." "This isn't going to be like Mum and Dad's Dolphin Showers fiasco." "RECORDING: ..." "Confidence in business, confidence in love..." "MARK:" "The perils of shufflel" "RECORDING: ... more creative, by following the... (MUSIC PLAYS)" "It's not mine!" "I just got it free with the Sunday Express." "Great work." "Raj Persaud on the wheels of steel." "Hi, Jez." "Oh, hi." "Great to see you." "Remind me, did I ever call you back after you called me all those times after we had that great night together?" "You're a real shit, you know that?" "You're toxic waste and I'm going to make sure everyone here fucking well knows it." "Have a good one." "Oh, crap." "Everyone's gonna know I'm toxic waste." "Ooh, God." "Elena." "This is not all my chickens coming home to roost, Mark, all right?" "Don't stand there thinking it is." "I'm not, Jez." "This is all his chickens coming home to roost." "It's a roost-a-thon." "So, Jez." "I've made it." "Yeah." "So I'm just spinning some tracks, actually." "Well, maybe I'd better leave you to it." "Maybe you should." "Yeah." "The cool-off." "I'm relaxed." "Snoopy on a 'lude." "Who's going to break first?" "Not me, sweetheart." "Yeah, sure, go on - talk to a guy, why not?" "Maybe I'll shag a guy too." "How would you like that, hmm?" "MARK:" "Oh, my Godl It's actually going welll I'm an It girll" "I'm Plum Sykes." "I'm at the hub of London's social whirl." "Peaches Geldof and Gorby will probably be here soonl" "And the lasagne's a palpable hitl" " How are you finding the lasagne, pal?" " Mmm, it's great." "Thank you." "I think that's the tuna you're on at the moment." "Glass of bubbly?" "Sweet!" "Look at me doling out the champersl I'm the greatest man who ever lived." "Goodwill to all men!" "Did I just say "goodwill to all men"?" " Hey, man." "Look at us!" " I know!" " I'm having a good time!" " So am I!" "I mean, not, actually, but it's like I am!" "Only negative is no Dobby." "If it peaks before Dobby gets here, I've wasted a good party." "Give her a bell?" "Let her get some flavour?" "What, like start a message then be like, "Stop it, Julio - grab your own cocaine." ""I've got too much tit in my mouth"?" "Exactly." "Gosh, everyone's going mad for the lasagne." "Who knew?" "Your mates are loving the tuna!" "Yeah." "They're not my mates." "Gatecrashers?" "What, they're just some men who forced their way in here and are eating my lasagne?" "Dude, it just means we're a hit." "Jeremy, they weren't invited." "If there was no-one here but us and them, it would be a police matter." "Course he doesn't care." "He didn't spend hours reducing the passata." " Mmm." "You got any more, mate?" " It's finished." "And, er, listen, "mate", who invited you to this party?" " Er..." "Mike?" " Right, Mike." "And which bottle did you bring?" "Can you please identify your bottle?" "Look, mate, we're not gonna be any trouble." "Look, you've got to go." "You can't just walk in here and eat my food and drink my booze and try and have sex with my women!" "My women?" "Look, we'll be good boys - promise." "Excuse me, everyone." "I'd like to make an announcement." "These two gentlemen are party crashers." "So I'd be very grateful if none of you spoke to them for the rest of the evening." "There is an exclusion zone around them, a cordon sanitaire." "Thank you." "JEREMY:" "Look at him." "Oh, hilarious(l) "Ooh, I've got a rented snake." ""It's just like a bendy cock or a dangerous sausage. " Hilarious(l)" " Excuse me, I need to get past." " OK, take this, Elena." " Could we have a quick chat?" " What about?" "I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the way I behaved." "It was basically because I..." "I couldn't handle the strength of my feelings." "Pull the other one, Jeremy." "It's got bells on." "Seriously..." "Sarah." "It is Sarah, isn't it?" "I think you're incredible." " Sure." " You're just a very... alive, very... incredible, very... sexual being." "Yeah, well... don't touch what you can't afford, Jeremy." "30-all in flirt tennis." "Mark, there's something wrong in the loo." "God, she looks like she's witnessed a war crime." "Oh..." "Ooh..." "Looks like somebody's taken out puke point HQ." "Oh, the humanity." "Well, it must have been one of your friends - you deal with it." "What, because your friends don't poo(?" ")" "Not at parties." "Who comes to a party and does a massive poo?" "Sort it out, Jeremy." "MARK:" "He must be here, the culprit." "If I give everyone my best Paddington stare, the guilty party is bound to emerge." "Could be him." "He's looking pretty relaxed." "Dumped a heavy load, have you, sir, on my time?" "Look at that." "The Devil and Eve." "And a serpent." "If there was an apple, this would be a whole famous... thing." "I wanted a pet with a bit of edge, you know?" "Something to keep me on me toes." "Every day down at my flat now, it's me and him, survival of the fittest." "I didn't want to go the full puma." "I thought about a tarantula, but where are the good times, eh?" "With a snake, you've got a friend." "A dangerous friend." "You can touch him, if you like." "I don't know." "Go on." "Stroke him." "Stroke my snake." "That's it." "That's just fucking it." " All right, Jez?" " Yeah, um, just an idea, but would it be OK, mate, if you fucked off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?" "All right, mate." "Chill out." "It's only a phallic symbol." "It's not me actual dong." "It's all right, Hans." "I just think me and Jez need to talk." "This is it." "I've got to say it." "Look, I just, fucking..." "love you." "I love you and I don't wanna play it cool any more because I would eat my own fingers just to look at your face." "I will be your dog or your human mannequin." "I'll do anything you say." "I just... want you." "You'd be a human mannequin for me?" "Well, yeah." "I mean, I don't know what that involves exactly, but..." "I just thought you'd gone off me." "I was trying to play stupid games, but I can't..." "I just want to fuck your brain into my brain!" "Oh, wowl I've pulledl I've pulled my own girlfriend." "MARK:" "Great(l) My party and I'm the Miss Marple of big jobs." "Can I ask you an additional question?" "Have you made use of the facilities?" " I'm sorry?" " You had an appetite for lasagne tonight." "But did you have another appetite?" "An overwhelming appetite for faecal discharge?" "I used the bog, mate, but it was flowing clean as a whistle." "It was after her that the problem started." "Oh, my God." "Could it have been?" "She was the last one to see the victim alive." "Jesusl It's the crime of the centuryl" "I've cracked the Da Vinci Codel" "And it's horriblel" "Wow!" "If sex was an Olympic event, we'd win gold." "You're so cute, Jeremy." "Sex is never going to be in the Olympics, because of China." "China wouldn't allow it." " (PHONE BEEPS)" " Gail." "Oh, the cock clamp." "The Inevitable Hulk." "She's finished." "She'll be here soon." "We'd best not talk to each other for the rest of the party." "Oh, back to playing rhythm guitar." "The backup." "The human carrot." "You know what, Elena?" "I'm not doing this any more." "I love you." "You've got to choose." " What?" " Come on." "Gail's had her go." "Now I want first dibs." "She can skulk around and you can have an affair behind my back." "Except, you know what?" "No, you can't, because I want you all to myself." "The truth is, the spark has kind of gone." "She used to write me poems, and make me spelt bread with her bread machine." "And she still does a bit, but, like, one loaf a month, and really short poems, like five or six lines and so on." "She's taking the piss!" "Maybe..." "I should just... end it?" "She's mine." "Maybe we'll move to Russia or wherever the hell she's from." " I know what you did last summer." " Sorry, what?" "I know that maybe you think that now that you and "he"" "have parted company, that you're no longer responsible for him." "Well, in my view, you are your brother's keeper." "Mark, you're drunk." "You're talking gobbledegook and balderdash." "So cold." "She's a heartless supervillain..." "Hmm." "Maybe Gerard's a little too out of it." "Be awful if Dobby's natural compassion came into play." " Mark!" " Dobby!" "No need to explain what the hell it is you've been doing till this time." "Let's get you a drink." "She's herel But the party's peaked." "Just got to make sure she doesn't run into Gerard or the poo..." " the items of unpleasantness." " (DOORBELL RINGS)" "Gail." "Great you could make it!" " Hi, Jez." " You're about to get dumped." " Have a lager." " Thanks." "Come on in to your emotional torture pit." "Hello, babe." "Yeah, that's right." "Kiss goodbye." "For ever." "Hello." "Oh, yeah." "Hello-o." "You're a very naughty boy, but that's all right, cos I don't really like nice boys anyway." "I'd love to stay and chat but I've got to go and give that ill-looking man an enormous drink." "Shit." "I was on for a biggie." "Is it petering out?" "Are you kidding?" "It's petering up." "It's about to hit maximum peter!" "Oh, my fucking life." "Oh, God." "Look at that - some bloody... man has turned up." "Probably from the council." "You'll have to excuse me." "Hi, there." "And welcome." "What a surprise." "A party?" "Thanks for the invite, Mark(!" ")" "It's more of a sort of gathering that snowballed into a get-together and mutated into a party." "I was calling and calling and Dad was down, so..." "I want to get everything sorted and above board, Mark." "But obviously now isn't the right time." "They've showed up, have they?" "OK, come on." "Let's do the hucklebuck right here, right bloody now!" "Well, maybe we should just bloody well get a few things sorted out." "But, but..." "I'm having... a party?" "My party's been pooped." "Jeremy, Dobby mustn't see Gerard." "He's gone over the edge." "Get rid of him." "Aye-aye, Captain." "Bet Archer never did baby negotiations at his parties." "Or very rarely." "You two can piss off out of it, pronto!" "Jeff and Yvette from my book group?" "What kind of mad social chemist have I become?" "Oh, right, can't finish Atonement cos it's too dry, but you've got time to get fingered by Jeff." "Very intellectual, Yvette." "Hope you saw that depth charge I dropped down your bog." "Something to remember me by." "Oh, my God." "There's a twist in the tale." "Of coursel The butler did itl" "I'm so sorry, Suzel" "OK, so the headline is, we're not agreeing to sign a single page of this legal ball-sack without visitation rights locked down." "Um, that might be putting it a bit..." "What sort of visitation are you looking for, Mark?" " Saturdays, Sundays and Thursdays." " Three days?" "No, hold on." "I was thinking about taking Italian lessons on Thursdays." "Great(!" ") Now Thursdays aren't good for him." "What days do you want?" "I don't know." "Easter and Shrove Tuesday?" "What's he...?" "Salad spinner?" "OK, that's not a bad place to keep it." "Now, our broader contention is that Sophie's not a fit mother." "SOPHIE:" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "!" "No, sorry, we don't mean that." "What are you doing?" "It's a bargaining position." "We ask for the whole baby, we get Thursdays and Wednesdays." "But I don't want Thursdays!" "I want to parle Italiano on Thursdays." " Sort it out, Mark." " Brilliant party(l)" "Make mine a childcare and tonic." "Oh, great(l) Reptile abuse." "Others get raided by the police." "I'm going to get raided by the World Wide Fund For Nature." "...Fuck you." "That'll teach her to write four- or five-line poems." "Look at all that brilliant crying." "There's another way out of all this for us all, if you were to do the decent thing." "The decent thing?" "There's still a... remnant of feeling between you." "I could make life quite comfortable for you." "Give you a job at the seed firm..." "light duties." "You'll do all right on 40K, living in Nana's cottage with your wife and child." "Is this an offer your client is on board for?" "Oh, I think I can persuade Sophie to take this seriously." "Maybe I'd be happy, driving the seed van around, with my country cottage and my family, reading the Sunday Times." "It's so thick I can not talk to anyone all day Sunday." "Monday to Friday, work and property shows and red wine." "If I can just figure out Saturdays, maybe it would all be OK." "We'd need 50K..." "and an extension on the cottage." "45K and the van." " Done." " What?" " Shall we shake on it, Mark?" " Should I shake the man-hand?" "Um..." "DOBBY:" "Gerard?" "Fucking hell!" "Are you all right?" "What the hell are you doing in there?" " Jeremy said I needed a lie-down." " Oh, that was nice of him." "Come on, let's get you home." "I'll take you home." "No, don't take him home." "He's fine." "He's just had a bit of a disco nap, and now he's ready to par-tay, aren't you, Gerard?" "Are you all right to stand up on your own now?" "I think..." "If you wouldn't mind..." "just holding me for a bit." "Oh, for God's sake." "Could you call us a cab, please?" "We'll share." "The same cab?" "But..." "But you live in Catford and Gerard lives in Balham." "That's miles apart." "It's illogical to share." "It's crazy." "I want to make sure he's OK." "Plus, late-night minicabs..." "They're licensed, Gerard." "Dobby is not about to get raped, if that's what you're trying so snidely to imply." "So let's cut the bullshit, shall we?" "It would be more fun going home together, though." "Oh, right, now we get down to it." "They are not going to have a better time going home than I'm having at my party." "Hello, yes." "I'd like two cabs, please." "I need two cabs - one going to Catford and one separate one going in a completely different direction, to Balham." "(CHEERING)" " What's going on?" " Gail just asked Elena to marry her." "She's got a proper hetero ring and everything!" "Wow!" "Oh, my God - she's grasping at straws." "This is gonna be so embarrassing." "Yes!" "(CHEERING)" "She said yes." "But... maybe she thinks "no" is "yes" in English?" "Jeremy!" "Isn't this amazing?" "This really is amazing." "Oh, God." "She's the best thing I've ever had in my life and I thought she was slipping away." "You can't know how bad that felt." " Mmm..." " Champagne." "What the fuck?" "!" " Whoops!" " Whoops?" "Oh, the thing is, she gave me this ring and it was so romantic!" "God, this is so weird!" "Ah..." "Is this all right?" "It just feels so right!" "She's so suggestible." "Like a sexy robot anyone can hack into and program." "There it goes." "Lesbian kiss." "And no-one minds." "Where have all the homophobes gone when you need them?" "God, people are so fickle." "What are we celebrating?" "Gail and Elena just got engaged." "If it makes you feel any better, Dobby and Gerard are leaving together." "Right... who's got my rental snake?" "I'm gonna lose me deposit." "Wasn't it in the salad spinner?" "Empty." "We need to find him while he's still dizzy, cos if he gets his shit together, he is gonna be pissed off." "Oh, brilliant(!" ") So there's a snake at large in my flat." "I suppose I'm gonna have to buy a mongoose now, to hunt it." "If your mongoose eats my snake, I will sue." "So now I have to flat-share with Jeremy and a snake." "Still, there's a way out." "Nana's cottage." "The seed van." "Could get a dog." "What would I call it?" "Warwick Kingmaker?" "Lambert Simnel?" "Too arch." "Former Foreign Secretary Lord Carrington?" "Oh, God." "This is all too much." "This all too bloody much." "Jez, I think I might have a bong hit." "A bong hit?" "Yes." "I've organised this whole party and I haven't had a single bit of fun all night." "So yes, I want a bong hit." " Light it there and inhale there?" " You've been watching." "Mmm, maybe he'll become a pothead and he can start buying the stash." "Are you OK?" "Fine." "Fine." "It's... it's not affecting me." "It's not affecting me at all." "Actually..." "I think I am beginning to feel something." " Yeah?" " I think I'm beginning to feel great!" " Great." " I'm having a good time!" "I'm enjoying my party!" "(CHEERING)" "Sophie, you can have whatever you want." "I'll sign whatever you want, but I don't want a dog!" "A dog?" "What dog?" "I don't want Carrington." "I want..." "Dobby!" "Dobby!" "Don't go!" "Stay here and... marry me!" " What?" " Marry me!" "I feel fan... terrible." "It's still there!" "Where's a puke point?" " Where's a puke point?" " Puke point three, puke point three." "Snake!" "(MARK VOMITS)" "JEREMY:" "Ah, poor guy." "I'm not even gonna mention that he was snitty about my puke points." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry, everyone." "Come on, Gerard." "MARK:" "Gerard gets Dobby and I get a pukey bucket of snake." "You are paying for that snake to be dry-cleaned." "I bet you probably can get reptiles dry-cleaned." "That's the world we're living in." "JEREMY:" "Oh, what a disaster." "Love is all you need?" "No, actually, Beatles." "You also need a person to do it with, Beatles." "Shit." "Hello, Jeremy." "Oh, great." "Could turn her down." "Yeah, dream on." "Second lay of the night." "This is the worst party ever." "# I'm not sick but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #"