"(PLAYING ROCK OF AGES)" "We are gathered here today to consign the mortal remains of Millard Frymore, or whatever his name really was." "I ain't really got a lot to say about Millard because he only rode amongst us two days ago, and was promptly struck down by whatever deadly disease it was struck him down." "We can only hope that whatever deadly disease it was, it wasn't particularly contagious." "And with that in mind I suggest we all bow our heads in devout prayer." "Heavenly father, we hereby consign to your tender mercies, all that remains..." " Get out!" "Get out!" " (DOG WHIMPERS)" "All that remains of one Millard Frymore, origin unknown, cause of death unknown, and of considerable concern to those of us who'd been thrown into contact with him during the last two days." "Millard was struck down in what was evidently the prime of his life." "In fact, he was took from us so fast, he never even got a chance to unpack his suitcase." "HENRY:" "However, in as much as we were the last to know poor Millard here on earth and in so far as we were all drawn to this godforsaken country in search of a common goal," "I'm certain you'll agree with me when I..." " Hey, Pa!" " What is the matter with you?" " Take a look!" " Ain't you got any reverence for anything?" " It's gold!" " What?" "(WHISPERING) Take a look, it's gold." "HENRY:" "I'd like to remind everyone we're here to consign the remains of Millard Frymore." " It's gold, Henry!" " Gold!" "Down there, in the grave." "Whoa!" "Get this coffin away!" "And have a look." "Oh, no, you don't!" "Get out of my gold mine!" "(CROWD CLAMORING)" "Get out of my gold mine!" "(SOBBING) Get out of my gold mine!" "Gold!" "Gold!" "Gold!" "Gold!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(GUN FIRING)" "It just doesn't seem possible that a town could get itself in this condition in the short time it's been in existence." "Lynchings, gunfights, and that drunken revelry going on at Madame Orr's House 24 hours a day." "I tell you, a decent woman is not safe on these streets." "Oh, I think the women are safe enough for the most part." "I mean, we only got a couple that would be of much interest to anyone..." "Outside the dance hall girls and they're pretty good at handling themselves in a pinch." "Or in a ticklish situation." "Oh, well, now this may be very funny to the members of the town council, but we mine owners haven't found anything to laugh about since we started in business." "OLLY:" "We don't think it's funny, Tom." "We just don't know what to do about it." "Maybe what we need is a new mayor and a town council that does know what to do about it." "Now what kind of talk is that?" "We all know that the reason I'm mayor and the others are councilmen is because nobody else wanted the jobs." "And don't forget, Tom, we're mine owners ourselves." "Do you enjoy giving 20% of everything you take out of the mines to the Danby family?" "Why would we enjoy it?" "Well, all right, then let's do something about it." "What?" "You all know the situation." "There's us, here in Calendar." "OLLY:" "There's Galena, where we've gotta ship our gold." "And there's the Danby ranch, halfway in between the two." "The road even runs through their property." "All right, fine." "Then we'll build the road around their property." "How?" "They own that whole valley!" "Besides, if they don't get their 20% they just hold up every stage that comes through and take all of it." "All right, all right!" "But we've got to do something, even if it means bringing troops in here." "Troops?" " Troops?" " Troops?" "What troops?" "From where?" "The nearest troops are 500 miles." "All right, then we'll recruit our own." "How?" "We can't even recruit enough dishwashers." "How are we gonna recruit any troops?" "Nobody wants to stop prospecting long enough to take a bath, let alone join an army." "It all happened so fast we just ain't had a chance to really get organized yet." "And the Danbys are taking advantage of it." "There goes one of them now." " Which one is he?" " Joe." "Out of the father and three brothers he's about the second toughest." "They all act like they own the place." "The way things are set up right now, they do." "And it's gonna stay that way till we can find ourselves a sheriff that doesn't turn tail and run the minute someone takes a shot at him." "(GUN FIRING)" "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "(CLAMORING)" "Whiskey." "(WOMAN SCREAMS)" "All right, you all saw it, and it was a fair fight." "He drew first." "So it was self-defense." "Uh-huh, I told you, he drew first." "Sure as anything." "Oh, you could call it anything else but self-defense." "Well, it may have been a lot of things, but self-defense it wasn't." "And he didn't draw first." "You did." "What do you mean by that?" "Oh, it's an old trick." "You did it pretty well." "Not real well, but pretty well." "You feinted with your left shoulder, getting him to go for his gun while you were going for yours with your right hand at the same time." "It's an old Arizona trick, but I have seen it used as far north as Montana." "Are you calling me a liar?" "Well, now you heard every word I said, and I didn't call you a liar." "All I said was you feinted him into drawing with your left shoulder while you were going for your gun with your right hand." "So what?" "You beat that poor man to the draw." "He's dead and you're alive." "That's the whole idea of the game, isn't it?" "What's your name?" "Jason McCullough." "What's yours?" "Joe Danby, and you had better remember it." "Oh, I'll remember it, Joe." "That's about all I'm going to do the rest of my life, is go around remembering your name." "(CROWD CLAMORING)" " The bread's on the table in front of you." " Thanks." "Oh!" "Why, you!" "(SLAPS)" "This one of Emma's Tasty Home Cooked Meals?" "That's it, mister." "They charge $3 for this, huh?" "MAN:" "That's what they call inflation." "Sometimes it catches you right in between mouthfuls." "Is there really any gold in this town?" "How long did it take you to get that?" "All yesterday afternoon, good part of this morning." "Where could a man find a place to sleep?" "If you mean a room, you can't." "Down at the end of the street, get a cot." " How much?" " $20." "Eight-hour shift." "Say a man was willing to go to work to get himself a stake." "How would he go about it?" "You don't want a job?" "No." "I figure the way prices are around here," "I'll go broke about 2:30 this afternoon." "We got a bulletin board with that kinda stuff down at the assay office." "Hmm?" "Oh, thank you." "(THUDDING)" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Okay, go head on." "Fight!" "(GUN FIRING)" "(CROWD CLAMORING)" " I said, out of my way!" " Heck, go around!" "I told you to get out of there!" "I'll kill you!" "(SCUFFLING)" "I'll tell you something... (HORSE NEIGHING)" "(CLAMORING CONTINUES)" "(DOG BARKING)" "PRUDY:" "Watch where you're grabbing!" "(DOGS BARKING)" "What about you?" "What about me?" "You want to grab something?" "Everything looks too slippery." "What does that mean?" "JASON:" "Oh, nothing." "You look too clean to suit me." "(DOORBELL DINGING)" "MAN 1:" "You're gonna get me change." "MAN 2:" "Give me a packet." "Are you the man I talk to about..." "OLLY:" "Wait your turn, mister." "About the job of sheriff?" "You interested in the job of sheriff?" "Well, maybe." "How much does it pay?" "Well, none of our sheriffs ever lived long enough to find out." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Look, boys, why don't you all go outside and watch the fight?" "The ladies, too." "Very good fight out there." "You watch it too, Sam." "Okay, come on!" "Let's get out." "Get moving." "Come on." "All right, let's go." "I'm Olly Perkins, the mayor here." "Jason McCullough." "Fred Johnson, Henry Jackson, Tom Devery, three of our original settlers." "And Fred and Henry are members of the town council." "And I represent the mine owners." "Nice to meet you, gentlemen." "What that fellow said just a minute ago ain't strictly true." "We've had three sheriffs the past two months." "But only two of them got killed." "Oh, what about the other one?" "Well, he quit kind of sudden-like." "I don't think he had exactly the right kind of temperament for the position." "Well, you never have said anything about the pay." "Well, for the right kind of man, $150 a month." "With the spiraling prices you have around here, that'd only allow a man to eat and sleep about eight days a month." "The job includes room and board." "Not at Emma's Food Emporium?" "At my house." "My daughter does the cooking." "Well, gentlemen, I think it's only fair to tell you that I'd only be interested in this job on a temporary basis." "Oh?" "Well, you see, actually I was on my way to Australia when I heard about your gold strike." "And I decided to, uh, travel through here to see if I could pick up a little stake." "What do you wanna go to Australia for?" "Well, it's the last of the frontier country." "I thought I might like to do a little pioneering." "I thought this was frontier country and we was pioneers." "So did I." "To get back to the sheriff's job, if I decided to take it it'd have to be with the understanding that I get enough time off to do the prospecting I came here to do in the first place." "Well, yeah." "You ain't said nothing yet about your qualifications for the job?" "Oh, don't worry about that." "If I take it, you'll be glad you got me." "Well, it ain't just a question of you taking the job, it's also a question of being able to handle it." "Olly, we ain't in much of a position to be choosey." "And him being willing to talk about it at all certainly shows the right attitude." "I don't care what it shows!" "I'm the mayor of this town!" "It's my responsibility to hire us a sheriff that's not only got qualifications, but that ain't going to get himself killed the first time he sticks his nose out of the door." "HENRY:" "Olly, haven't we already... (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "There you are." "What's your point, Mr. McCullough?" "Well, no point, just an exhibition of marksmanship." "The bullet went through the hole in the center." "OLLY:" "Yeah, well, maybe it did, maybe it didn't." "Oh, it did." "You can take my word for it." "Yeah, well, I'd like to take your word but..." "Would you mind doing it again, Mr. McCullough?" " You want me to do it again?" " If you don't mind." " Well, I already shot one hole in your roof." " That's all right." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I hope you didn't take no offense at nothing I may have said earlier, sir." "No, no." "Gentlemen, just to keep the record straight, now a hundred and fifty a month for the room and board is fine, but I've got to do more prospecting." "And, because, basically I'm on my way to Australia, and I wouldn't..." "You just name your terms, mister." "We'll rush to meet them." "Fine." "As long as everything's straight." "Is there some kind of badge that goes with this job?" "Oh, you bet there is!" "I'm afraid it's a little bent up." "It must have saved the life of whoever was wearing it." "Well, it sure would have if it hadn't been for all them other bullets flying in from everywhere." "Gentlemen, do we have a jail here?" "Do we have a jail?" "A brand-new one with two cells that the whole community pitched in, built last month." "Just like a barn raising." "Even the dance-hall girls showed up, made sandwiches, and carried on like crazy." "It was designed to be practically escape-proof." "Oh, good." "Because I think I'm gonna have to throw a couple of people in it." "There's only one thing." "This new jail has sure got everything." "Even a new stove with a coffee pot already on it." "The only thing it hasn't got is iron bars for the cells." "You're kidding." "Which we had to send away for 'em and they ain't arrove yet." "But it's got everything else." "It's got glass windows and brooms and kerosene lamps and..." "You name it." " Just no bars for the cells." " That's right." "Well, all right, I'll think of something." "You ain't wanted for anything anywhere, are you, Mr. McCullough?" "Not that it matters, because we understand how them little things can happen." "No." "No, I'm not wanted for anything anywhere." "(DOORBELL DINGING)" "Do you realize the chance you was taking asking him a question like that?" "He might have took offense and back out of the whole deal." "I'm the mayor of this town and I got responsibilities." "The question had to be asked!" "(CROWD CLAMORING)" "(DOGS BARKING)" "Mr. Mayor, if I could get some men on this pump over here," "I think we could stop this thing in short order." "Sure thing, Sheriff." "Give us a hand, will you, men?" "All right, men!" "Let her go!" "A little more." "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "(WOMEN CHEERING)" "JASON:" "Break it up!" "Okay, cut it!" "What do you think you're trying to do?" "Stopping a fight." "Who are you?" "I'm the new sheriff." "Oh!" "We got a new sheriff!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Let's see if he scares as easy as the last sheriff." "Now I want all you people to quit disturbing the peace." "Clean up this mess." "Uh, yes, sir." "Anything else?" "You got a name?" "Jake." "All right, Jake, I want you go into the Mint saloon." "There's a fellow in there by the name of Joe Danby." "You tell him I remember his name, he's under arrest for murder." "I'll be in to pick him up in not 20 minutes." "You talking to me?" "You hard of hearing?" "You want me to tell Joe Danby that he's under arrest for a murder?" "What are you gonna do after he kills me?" "Then I'll arrest him for both murders." "Where's the jail?" "Just follow me, Sheriff." "You won't find a better jail for 200 miles." "That is if you can find one at all." "Well, everything seems to be in order." "Our last sheriff was a good organizer." "Yellow clear through, but a good organizer." "We'll be getting the bars in any day now." "Well, that ought to do it." "That ought to do what, Sheriff?" "That oughta take care of it till we get the bars in." "Well, I've got my bedroll and few other things over at the stable." "I'd like to go and pick them up, and then get settled in where I'm gonna stay, if you don't mind." "Sure thing, Sheriff." "I've got a nice room for you at my house." "Well, good." "Shall we get on over there, and then I'd better pick up that Danby fellow." "Uh, Sheriff, maybe there's something you better know about the Danbys." "Why bother the Sheriff about that stuff now?" "He wants to get settled." "Yeah, but, Fred..." "We can fill him in on the whole town after he's settled in on the job." "You coming, Mayor?" "I'll be right with you, Sheriff." "This is a little bit like murder." "I hope you know that." "Now just 'cause we've lost three sheriffs don't mean we're gonna lose four." "Our luck is bound to change." "What about his luck?" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Prudy?" "Just put your things over there, Sheriff." " All righty." " Prudy!" "I want you to meet my daughter, Sheriff." "She's a good cook and a mighty fine looking girl." "Takes after her dear departed mother." "Her mother died, huh?" "No, she just departed." "Come on, Sheriff, I'll show you the parlor." "That little organ there, that come all the way from Dusseldorf." "Most of the furniture was shipped out through St. Louis and Chicago." " This is my desk where I do my mayor work." " JASON:" "That's very nice." "OLLY:" "I guess you could say this is about the finest house in town." "Well, let me show you the dining room, that's where you'll be having your meals." "Prudy!" "I want you to meet someone!" "This is the dining room." "You sure have a nice place here, Mayor." "Well, thank you, Sheriff." "How about a drink?" "Water, if you have some." " Water?" " Mmm." "Sure thing, Sheriff." "We've got a pump right inside the kitchen." "Right inside the house, huh?" "OLLY:" "There's the pump, right there." "Uh, Sheriff, before you go down to arrest Joe Danby, a couple of things I guess you ought to know." "All right." "Well, the Danbys, there's four of them." "Father and three sons." "They're all of 'em pretty tough customers." "Outlaws?" "No, not exactly." "But in many ways, you might say they're like outlaws." "How is that?" "Well, they prefer to do pretty much as they like." "And they get real nasty when anybody tries to stop 'em." "You mean..." "You mean you don't want me to arrest this boy?" "No, I don't mean that at all." "It's just that it's kind of a new idea." "It takes a little bit of getting used to." "I stood right there in that saloon and watched him gun a man down in cold blood." "Oh, I believe you, Sheriff." "I mean it's just the kind of things you'd expect Joe to do." "But are you sure it wasn't self-defense?" "Not a chance." "I mean, sometimes, them things happen so fast." "Well, it didn't happen all that fast." "Look, Mr. Perkins, you're the mayor of this town." "And if you order me not to arrest this man, well, you're the boss." "Of course I'll have to give you this badge back 'cause that is no way to run a town, Mayor." "Oh, I agree with you, Sheriff." "I couldn't agree with you more." "And furthermore, I'll expect all the law-abiding citizens of this community to back me up in this job." "Oh, they will, Sheriff." "Well, maybe not all of them at first, not right at first." "You see, it's like I told you, I'm just on my way to Australia." "You go right ahead and do what you think is best, Sheriff." "I'd better go and alert everybody that..." "We're all behind you, Sheriff." "Don't give it another thought." "Uh, you don't need any help with Joe Danby, do you?" "No." "I can handle it." "Oh, good." "Good." "(BIRDS TWITTERING)" "You're the strangest girl I ever met." "Go away." "Do you always show this peculiar side of your nature, or am I just lucky my first day in town?" "I suppose you have some reason for sitting up there like that." "Ordinarily, a girl doesn't get undressed, pour a bucket or water over her head, and then go climb a tree." "I'm warning you!" "(PRUDY GRUNTS)" "Hi, Mrs. Danvers." "What in the world..." "Prudy, is this man bothering you?" "Do you know this young lady, ma'am?" "Why, of course." "That's Prudy Perkins." "She lives right here in this house." "Does she have any past history of, uh, strange behavior like this?" "Why, no!" "Prudy has always been a sweet, normal, lovable..." "Of course there were a couple times last year..." "Oh." "What happened last year?" "Well, wasn't really anything, but at the annual town picnic," "(CHUCKLING) she got her hair caught in the ice cream freezer." "I think we ought to be merciful and forget about this whole unfortunate incident, huh, ma'am?" "See you, ma'am." "(LAUGHING)" "Sheriff, I didn't go down and tell Joe like you asked." "Why not?" "'Cause nobody's paying me to take chances like that." "Tell you what, you never know how that Joe is gonna react." "Why should you worry about what Joe thinks?" "Because he's mean, Sheriff, and he's nasty." "He enjoys killing people." "All them Danbys enjoy things like that." "You're faster than Joe." "Who says so?" "I do." "I've seen you both draw." "You're faster than he is." "Supposing it's true, why should the matter ever come up?" "Jake." "How would you like a job as my deputy?" "I'd hate it." "Even if I lived through it, I'd hate it." "Look, I don't know talked you into taking this job, or how much they're paying you, but you gotta believe me, it ain't enough." "He's expecting you." "Some of these other people told him you was coming." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "I hear you're going to try and arrest me." "You know, you don't look near as tough as some of them other sheriffs we've had lately, particularly that old boy who done run off about an hour-and-a-half after he took the job." "Joe, you just make me feel tired all over when you talk like that." "Now what do you mean by that?" "It's bad enough to have to kill a man without having to listen to a whole lot of stupid talk from him first." "And remember, Joe, I have seen you draw." "MAN:" "All right, Sheriff, hold it." "Now drop your gun belt." "(GUN FIRING)" "I couldn't let him shoot you in the back." "Oh, you could have." "Is this the kind of town you people want for yourselves?" "Is this the kind of life you want to lead?" "I mean, three killings in one saloon alone." "The sun hasn't even gone down yet!" "Any more of this foolishness, I'm gonna close this place up tight." "Yes, sir." "I wouldn't blame you a bit, sir." "Pick it up, Joe." "Go on, pick it up." "I'm gonna get you for this, Jake." "Well, you are the toughest-talking blowhard I ever heard." "You might as well come on." "Like it or not, we're on the same side now." "Come on." "Take it easy, boys." "Me and the Sheriff takes a dim view of showoffs with guns." "Remember, the Sheriff said, no more shooting till the sun goes down." " Is that what he said?" " That's close enough, brother." "Drinks are on the house!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Jake, why don't you look around the desk there and see if you can find yourself a deputy sheriff's badge?" "I never said I was taking no job as a deputy." "You're just trying to corner me into this thing, Sheriff." "Well, I'm a little surprised at what's happening to me, too." "You know, I was just riding through here on my way to Australia." "Where do you think you're going?" "Well, this is just plain dumb and stupid." "Are you calling the Sheriff stupid?" "Do I have to listen to him?" "He ain't nothin' but the town character." "Was the town character." "I'm now a Deputy Sheriff, and probably the second-fastest gun around here." "Did you hear that?" "Well, he probably is." "And if he isn't, he will be after I've had a chance to work with him for a couple of days." "Come on, Joe." "Joe, the cell on the right is yours." "We don't have any bars yet." " You're kidding." " That's what I said." "But we're going to operate just as if the bars were there." "Now you stay on that side of the line." "And everything should work out fine." "What?" "While you're in this jail, you stay on that side of the line and you and I will just get along fine." "You expect me to sit here in this lousy cell and that..." "What is that red stuff all over the floor there?" "Oh, uh..." "That's the poor fellow that crossed the line earlier today." "All right, Joe, you just stay right there and behave yourself." "Maybe if you wanted something to read?" "Read?" "No." "No, I guess you wouldn't." "Sorry." "Well, I see you found a badge." "Yeah." "Now are we gonna set out to clean up this town?" "Yeah, I guess that's about it." "All by ourselves?" "Not that we have turned down any help that was cheerfully offered." "Nobody's going to offer no help, cheerful or in any other way." "I think you're probably right, Jake." "How much money am I making in this job?" "Well, let's see." "I'm the Sheriff." "They're paying me $150 a month." "Shall we put your salary at about half that, plus room and board, plus all the ammunition you need to carry on the job." "Of course, I haven't checked out your employment with the mayor and the town council yet." "You mean there's a chance they might turn me down?" "No, I don't think so." "Now I think their attitude is going to be," ""If we found somebody willing to take the job, don't rock the boat."" "You can bet that's what their attitude is going to be." "Ever been the sheriff of a town that needed cleaning up before?" "No, I haven't." "Ever been a sheriff of any kind of town?" "No, not that either." "But the mayor seemed to think that my qualification suited the job perfectly." "Yeah, well, he'd have thought that if you was blind in both eyes and crippled in both legs." "I think you've got the situation pegged, Jake." "Want me to warm some coffee?" "I never turn down a cup of coffee in my life." "JAKE:" "How long have you been out west?" "About four years." "JAKE:" "From where?" "East." "I was raised up in Indiana." "Well, that could be either good or bad." "Uh, them four years you've been out west, what you been doing?" "Mostly, I've been on my way to Australia." "For four years?" "Well, it takes some people little longer than others." "What's in Australia?" "Well, lots of things." "You'd be surprised." "Any other questions, Jake?" "Oh, I..." "There's no..." "No, no, no, that's all right." "If there's anything I want, it's a deputy who's at ease in his mind about everything." "Well, you ain't got one." "I don't know where you're gonna get one in this town either." "Why Australia?" "Well, you'd know if you'd ever read a book about it." "I ain't never even seen a book about it." "Well, they got one up in the library in Chicago." "If you're ever up that way, you ought to take a look at it." "They got pictures and everything." "You know, they got some little people over there about like that." "And they got a stick that when they throw it away, it comes right back at 'em." "They got some animals over there..." "They got one that hops and will box you and carries things in its tummy." "When you, uh, shot that friend of Joe's in the back, you fired two shots." "I figured they went in, oh, about that far apart, huh?" "Pretty sloppy shooting, Jake." "Well, I was in a hurry to save your life." "I wasn't trying to group my shots." "If he'd been five feet further away, you'd have missed him entirely. (GROANS)" "I'd say that was pretty pitiful showing, Jake." " You see that bottom nail on the right?" " JAKE:" "Yeah." " That's weird." " What's weird?" "That anybody can shoot like that." "Oh, it's just a matter of practice." "Then how come nobody ever heard of you?" "I mean, a man that can shoot like you do and draw as fast as you can, how come you ain't got a reputation?" "What would I want with a reputation?" "That's a good way to get yourself killed." "Now you just go on practicing while I put Joe back in jail." "(GUN FIRING)" "Joe." "I took the bullets out." "You just won't play the game, will you?" "I keep laying down the rules." "You don't pay any attention." "You just wait till my pa and two brothers find out that you got me in here, boy." "Oh, I'm looking forward to meetin' your whole family." "Come on." "Ain't bad enough that I had to be dragged out of that saloon in front of all my friends." "Oh, I doubt if you have all that many friends that you need to be upset, Joe." "Then I have to sit there in that lousy cell." "Pa is gonna skin me alive for getting caught." "He won't mind you murdering that man, he just doesn't like for you to get caught, huh?" "I didn't murder anybody, that was self-defense." "It was him or me." "Well, we'll let the judge decide that." "We do have a judge around here, don't we?" "We never needed one till you come to town and ruined everything." "Spoiled all your fun, huh, Joe?" "You can say that again." "Oh, that's funny." "That's real funny." "(HUMMING)" "I hope you ain't got no religious convictions against drinking, Sheriff?" "Not since I gave up my parish." "I'm only kidding, Mayor." "(CHUCKLING) Oh." "Uh, Mayor, what about my deputy?" "No problem." "But I'm curious as to why you picked Jake." "Well, Jake backed me up when it really counted." "I'd have to wait and find that out about another man." "Then it might be too late." "How about a judge?" "Well, the need for one ain't exactly been felt up to now." "That's what Joe said." "But if I can't appoint one, who can?" "(HUMMING)" "(SIGHS)" "That must have been some show you put on at the saloon this afternoon." "Kind of sobered up the town." "Well, that's good." "Maybe, maybe not." "It has been a lot of fun around here up to now." "I mean, everything all kinda wide open and relaxed." "Nobody lookin' down their noses at anybody who happen to shot somebody else." "Nobody poking their noses into nobody else's business without them getting their big noses blasted off in the process." "Ah, I guess now that we got law and order, churches will start moving in." "Yeah, that's usually the next thing that happens." "And then the women will start forming committees, and having bazaars." "Then they'll chase Madame Orr's girls outta town, or make 'em get married, or something even worse." "But what the hell." "Like you said, the law's the law and we all gotta face up to it sometime." "Oh, when did I say that?" "Well, you know what I mean." "Well, I was just a little short of money when you offered me this job." "But you didn't have to take it." "I mean, there's dozens of other jobs around." "Well, don't worry about it." "I'm not gonna keep it too long." "Remember, I'm just passing through on my way to Australia." "I'll drink to that." "(HUMMING)" "(VOCALIZING)" "(PRUDY SCREAMING)" "What are you doing?" "You was on fire, Prudy!" "Prudy, you was on fire!" "Fire?" "(PRUDY GROANING)" "I'm sick and tired of these stupid things that have been happenin' to me!" "And somebody'd better do something about it soon!" "Well, that's quite a daughter you got yourself there, Mr. Mayor." "I think she's crazy." "Well, why would you think like that?" "I know what I'd think." "She's had some terrible shocks this year." "She got wealthy almost overnight." "I think maybe it unhinged her a little bit." "Then she was always kind of big for her age." "And puberty hit her hard." "That'll do it, you know." " I didn't know that." " Well, it will!" "As a disinterested stranger, how does she hit you?" "Well, she, uh..." "I mean, you are disinterested, ain't you?" "Oh, I think you could safely say that, yes." "She's a rich little old gal in her own name, Sheriff." "Sole owner of the Millard Frymore Memorial Mining Company." "You mean whoever marries her gets the mine?" "Shaft and all." "Yeah, well, that won't hurt her in certain circles, will it?" "Well, I'd better fry us up something to eat." "Uh, no, thank you, Mayor." "I better go down relieve Jake." "This is his first night on duty, you know." "You're expecting trouble?" " What do you think?" " The Danbys." "Some people think you could've waited a couple of days before you stuck your nose in the biggest hornet's nest we got." "Well, when you set out to clean up a mess, you don't just sit around and watch that mess get bigger and bigger." "I guess you know what you're doing, Sheriff." "I don't know what I could've said to give you that idea, Mayor." "Puberty." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)" "(CROWD CLAMORING)" "You ain't gonna stick to your plan of handling this all by yourself, are you, Pa?" "Since when did it take more than one Danby to take care of a little thing like this?" "You know what a tiger you are, Pa." "You're just liable to go charging' in there..." "And then what?" "Nothing." "I didn't mean nothing." "You ain't got brains enough to mean nothing." "Now you two go on in here and order yourselves a drink." "I'll be back with Joe before you can finish it." "I believe you got one of my children in the jail here." "How dare you walk into my office and pull a gun on me?" "Get your finger out of the end of my gun!" "How dare you pull a gun on me!" "I said take your finger out of the end of my gun!" "Well, until I do, you better take your finger off that trigger and let the hammer down real slow." "(BULLETS CLATTERING)" "If that gun went off, it would have blowed right up in my face." "It wouldn't have done my finger a hell of a lot of good, either, would it?" "What can I do for you, Mr. Danby?" "My son Joe." "Well, it seems Joe murdered a man this afternoon." "The way I hear it, he killed a man in a fair gunfight." " I was standin' right there." " You were standin' right where?" "In the saloon when Joe killed him." "Well, now, that was real smart of him, wasn't it?" "Well, I've been around Joe all afternoon, and I haven't seen him do one smart thing yet." " Is there anything else?" " Can I see him?" "Why didn't you take that approach when you first came in?" "He's right in there." "I'm obliged to you." "(CRICKETS CHIRPING)" "Hi, Pa." "What is this?" "No bars in the window, no bars in the cell." "No bars nowhere." "What's keeping you in here?" "That guy out there." "He won't let me move two inches without jumping down my throat." "Besides, he lies to me about whether or not my gun's loaded." "He does what?" "Look, are you gonna get me outta here or not?" "Never mind that." "Who was it you killed?" "I don't know his name." "He was some bum in the saloon." "Besides, he drew first." "What, are you gonna believe me or are you gonna believe that liar out there?" "Why don't you shut up?" "Pa, it wasn't anybody that we know." "Pa, you always told me there wasn't a jail been built that could hold a Danby." "Well, now they built one." "Oh." "Yeah, you'll have to stay here for a couple of days." "But we run this town." "I gotta throw in with that sheriff that you don't exactly dazzle nobody with your intelligence." "Now you just sit tight here till I've had a chance to think this thing out." "Couldn't you have at least done it when the Sheriff weren't looking?" "He wasn't the sheriff when he done seen me do it." "Hey, I didn't think of that before." "That could be a loophole to help you get me out of here." "Now don't you try to do nothing about this situation you say of." "You just leave that to me and the boys." "That's a lousy jail you got in here." "Well, we're just getting started." "(DOOR OPENS)" "What's he supposed to be?" "Oh, that's my deputy." "Why, last week he was shoveling horse..." "He was working in the stable." "Well, he's been promoted." "Oh, I'm gonna find out what's happened to this town." "What did Danby want?" "Oh, well, he..." "He just came in and we talked a while." "Then he went in to see Joe." "Then he came back out, we talked a little more, and then he left." "(JAKE SIGHS)" "You know, he strikes me as being a lonely man." "Lonely?" "Danby?" "Why, he's a mean, no-good, low-down bushwhacker." "Well, now there, you see?" "No wonder he's lonely." "He stuck his finger in the end of your what?" "Would you shut up." "Everybody'll be lookin'." "Well, I don't really understand what happened, Pa." "You said you had your gun on him." "I ain't gonna sit here and explain it all over again now." "I don't have to explain nothing to you two." "Instead of sittin' here askin' a whole lotta questions, why don't you come up with some helpful suggestions?" "Why don't the three of us go over there together?" "I don't care if he is the fastest gun that'd ever hit anywhere." "Who says he's the fastest gun that'd ever hit anywhere?" "Everybody." "That's all they're talking about all over town." "Besides, what could he do against three of us?" "He could kill two of us." "You ain't talking like yourself, Pa." "Yeah." "It was always you charging' in and us trying to hold you back." "We ain't just gonna leave Joe in here to get hung, are we?" "Well, of course we ain't." "Who says we gotta take care of this sheriff ourselves?" "Who says anybody's gotta take care of it?" "Why don't we run him outta town like we did the last sheriff?" "Because this one won't go." "He didn't throw a scare into you, did he, Pa?" "I..." "I didn't mean that the way it sounded." "I didn't mean..." "Did he throw a scare at you?" "I just meant, well, what did he do to you, Pa?" "He maybe made me a little more thoughtful." "He maybe made me realize that now we've got a little money for the first time in our lives, and the chance to get a lot more, this would be a dumb time to find out who's the fastest with a gun," "us or some show-off that might be lucky, even if he wasn't good." "If we don't take care of him, who does?" "There's always some tramp that's good with a gun that can be hired." "Yeah, but you always said that the Danbys fight their own battles." "Maybe I was talkin' about another branch of the family." "Now I'm gonna take a little trip tomorrow." "And I want you two to behave yourselves while I'm gone." "I don't want nobody to make no martyr out of this here sheriff." "(CHAIR CREAKING)" "What's a martyr?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "They didn't use words like that in the third grade, did they?" "How would I know?" "I didn't get that far." "(GROANS)" "Well, you remember when I was stuck all them years in the second grade." "Oh, shut up!" "PRUDY:" "Sheriff?" "Can I talk to you a minute?" "Sure, Miss Prudy." "Could..." "Could we sit down?" "Sure." "Well..." "How can I be of service to you, Miss Prudy?" "What?" "How can I be of service to you?" "What do you mean, service?" "I don't think I mean anything by it." "What do you think I mean?" "Look, Sheriff, I'm just a dumb little old girl from a hick little old town in a jerkwater part of the country." "(CLEARS THROAT)" " What?" " Nothing." "You just said you're a dumb little old girl from a little old hick town in a jerkwater..." "I know what I said." "Well, all I wanted was to explain some of those stupid, silly things that you saw me doing today." "What stupid, silly things, Miss Prudy?" "What stupid..." "Well, how about when I burned my dress off?" "Well, that could happen to anyone." "Well, how about in the mud when I was trying to defend myself from that common pervert?" "Well, that's just one of those things that any overstimulated girl might get herself caught into." "Well, how about in the tree, half-naked, dripping wet?" "That one could take a little explanation." "Well, I guess it was just one of those days when everything seems to go wrong." "Actually, every one of those ridiculous things that you saw happen has a perfectly simple explanation." "Not that it matters, really, I just thought it was dumb to go around having such an..." "Attractive man thinking I was a hopeless loony." "Well, loony maybe, but hopeless..." "You..." "You think I'm attractive?" "(CHUCKLING) Well..." "I don't think that a girl would just curl up and die 'cause you smiled at her, but yes, I think you're attractive." "Well, Miss Prudy." "I can see that you're a young lady who believes in laying her cards on the table." "In what?" "Laying her cards on the table." "When a girl does that, well, I think that a man, uh..." "Well, he should lay his cards on the table, too." "Anybody can see that you're a very pretty and very attractive girl." "Any man in his right mind would be only too glad to take you out on a picnic or out for a walk in the evening." "Well, I'd feel privileged to do just that." "However, if you're thinking of anything more seriously," "I'm afraid I'll have to warn you I'm on my way to Australia, and I'm just passing through here." "Why, you conceited..." "Conceited?" "I'm only trying to tell you that I'm on my way to Australia." "Who cares where you're on your way to?" "Any girl who is thinking about entering into any permanent relationship would be glad to know that a man..." "I'm not thinking of entering into one of those!" "What's the matter with you?" "Do you think something is the matter with me?" "Do I think..." "There isn't enough time to tell you how much." "Good night!" "(DOOR BANGS SHUT)" "(CRASHING)" "You all right, Miss Prudy?" "PRUDY:" "You shut up and mind your own business!" "(CRASHING)" "PRUDY:" "Damn, damn, damn!" "OLLY:" "Prudy?" "PRUDY:" "You shut up, too!" "(CRASHING)" "Well, do you see anything?" "No." "What are we looking for?" ""What are we looking for?" We're looking for nuggets, veins, the mother lode." "What's the mother lode?" "I'm beginning to get the horrible feeling you know even less about gold-mining than I do, Jake." "Of course I don't know anything about gold-mining." "Well, what do you think I brought you along for?" "I thought everyone around here knew about mining." "Well, I don't." "I might be able to give you a few tips about shoveling horse, working around the stable, but I don't know nothing about hunting gold." "Do you mind I put this stuff down?" "No." "No, you better not." "If there's anything I do know about prospecting, it's you've got to keep on the move." "It's heavy." "Well, here, let me redistribute the weight for you." "I feel like a jackass." "Yeah, that ought to do it." " Come on, Jack." " Jake." "You're a pretty good fisherman, Jake." "(EXHALES) This is more like it, huh?" "More like what?" "Oh, this is more like the kinda place I want to go gold-minin' in." "Well, what make you think there's any gold around here?" "What makes you think there isn't?" "I suppose it don't bother you none that Joe Danby is gonna be miles away by the time we get back?" "Not unless he's learned to travel fast handcuffed to a potbellied stove." "Well..." "What do we do now?" "I think we oughta have lunch, take a little rest, and then you start diggin'." "Hey, Jake, how do you think we oughta split whatever we find?" "Sixty, forty?" "Sixty for who and 40 for who?" "There, you see?" "See what gold does to men?" "We haven't even found anything and already we're arguing about it." "Sixty for who and 40 for who?" "I just wish you could see the greed in your face." "What you mean is 60 for you and 40 for me." "Well, thank you, Jake." "That's very generous of you." "(EXHALES)" "Hey, Jake." "What did you do before you became my deputy?" "(SIGHING)" "Well, I did odd jobs." "Well, like what?" "Well, for one thing, I was a whore-holder at Madame Horse's..." "Oh." "A horse holder at Madame Orr's house." " You are a what?" " Horse holder." "See, on Saturday night, that hitch rack out front would get full." "I'd hold the extra horses, sometimes all night." "It seems to me like you spent a lot of time with horses." "Mmm." "One end or the other." "Course I come by it natural." "My daddy stole horses for a living." "They hung him." "Well, now that's a terrible thing for a sheriff to suddenly find out about his deputy." "If you hadn't been in such a hurry to shove this job down my throat, you might have found out a lot of things." "(JASON SIGHS)" " Want my badge back?" " Don't be silly." "Jake, you better clean up those fish." "I'll take a little nap." "Sure it won't disturb you none?" "No, no, no." "Just don't rattle the pots and pans." "(BREATHING DEEPLY)" "(GUNS FIRING)" "(MEN WHOOPING)" "(HORSES WHINNYING)" "I'll be wantin' you boys to ride into town a little more quietly from now on." "You drove your point home real good." "Good." "Good." "Well, that kind of brightens up the whole place." "At least I don't feel so naked and stupid sitting in here day after day." "Joe, if Jake should come in, would you tell him I had to go down to the hardware store to see the mayor." "Have you seen my daddy?" "No." "Not since the night he came in here and we had that little chat." "Don't you worry, Joe." "I'm sure he and your brothers are planning a little jailbreak." "You really think so?" "Now what else would they be doing?" "(DOG BARKING)" "Where will I find the Sheriff?" "I imagine he's in the jail across the..." "No, wait a minute." "There he is now just comin' out of the hardware store there." "Much obliged." "Pleasure." "Sheriff." "(GUN FIRES)" "JASON:" "Anybody know who he was?" "Oh, I think he just rode in to town." "He asked me where you was." "I seen you coming out of the hardware store there..." "Thanks for pointing me out to him." "Hold it just a minute." "You don't want to go in there right now, honey." "Wait here just a minute, I'll come back and I'll join you." "(GUN FIRING)" "Honey, I think I just been..." "Did you ever see him before?" "Uh-uh." "Uh, Jake." "After lunch, uh..." "(DOG BARKING)" "ALL:" "Good afternoon, Sheriff." "We ain't makin' any dust at all today." "Another one of 'em just rode into town." " You sure?" " You can't miss a professional gunfighter." "He got a look about him ain't like anyone else, and he's been asking around trying to find you." "I'm sure getting sick of all this stuff." "Yeah, that kinda stuff would make me sick too." "Come on." "Well, why do these jaspers always have to hit town at mealtime?" "Are you going to kill another man?" "Well, I'm sure we all hope it turns out that way." "This sure is a childish way for a grown man to make a living." "Go for your gun, Sheriff." "You go to hell." "(DOGS BARKING)" "And stay out!" "If either of you opens his fat, stupid mouth," "I'll chase you right out of town after that other yellow dog." "Leave the bottle." "All right, now he's done it." " Who?" " That sheriff." "What's he done?" "He's pushed me too far this time." "That's what he's done." "I've been bending over backwards up to now." "But that's all finished." "You know I've been bending over backwards." "Well, you sure ain't let him push you into no corner where you could be provoked till you're losing your temper." "Right." "But from now on, I'm tired of being a nice fella." "Pa, you been touching up your hair again?" "What do you mean, again?" "Nothing." "It just looks better in spots, that's all." " What do you mean, spots?" " Nothing." "What are we gonna do, Pa?" " Get Joe out of jail." " How?" "Leave that to me." "I got it all figured out." "We'll do it tonight." "Now you get ready." "'Cause this is gonna happen awful fast." " Pa." " Huh?" "Nothing." "It's all right." "Now when I yell go, we all go together." "And use your spurs." "All ready?" "(YELLING)" "(HORSES NEIGHING)" " Now he's really done it!" " Who?" "That sheriff!" "I could've told you all that it wasn't gonna work." "PA:" "Why not?" "Because they set these bars in too solid." "What do you know about anything?" "I'm the one that helped to set them in." "You..." "Luke, I want you two to round up the horses." "And I want you to ride over to your Uncle Milt's." "You tell him to bring Steve and George and Young Milt." "And Tom, you ride out to Uncle Ira's." "And you tell him to bring Billy and Jack and anyone else he can think to bring." "I ain't foolin' around no longer." "That's a two-day ride to Uncle Ira's." "I know how far it is!" "You stop at the ranch and pick up some grub." "And tell Milt and Ira we'll all meet at the ranch Friday." "If any of them feel that they just don't wanna come, you just remind them of the mortgages I've been helping them to pay." "Well, all right, get going!" "What do you mean, you helped 'em put in those bars?" "Well, I didn't have nothing else to do." "And they was gonna put the bars in whether I helped them out or not." "Yeah, well, they'll hang you whether you're helping out or not." "Pa, I don't think that they are really gonna hang me." "(CHUCKLES) I mean, you know, they laugh and they joke about it a lot, but I don't think they're really gonna do it." "Eh, you'll see whether they hang you or..." "JAKE:" "Don't move." "What's going on back here?" "Well, that's all I need, some stable bum ordering me around." "Now this is my saddle and I'm taking it with me." "I know it ain't mine, so go ahead." "In just a few days now, I'll take care of you." "What was he tryin' to do, bust you outta here?" "Yeah." "But you know Pa." "Got a heart as big as the whole outdoors, but he don't have one brain in his poor old head." "May I compliment you on getting such a romantic idea, Miss Prudy?" "There's nothing romantic about it, Sheriff." "Nothing romantic about a man and a girl out for a ride on a warm afternoon?" "You think what you want to, Sheriff." "But you'd do that anyway, wouldn't you?" "It's surprising how well you've gotten to know me in such a short time, Miss Prudy." "Would you like to get out and talk a minute, Sheriff?" "All right." "Light yourself up a cigar if you want to, Sheriff." "Well, thank you, Miss Prudy." "I believe I will." "Was there, uh, anything in particular that you want to talk to me about, Miss Prudy?" "Well, in case you didn't know," "Milt Danby is rounding up his two brothers and all of their sons and all of their hired hands." "And they're going to ride into town, and they're gonna take care of you and Jake and they're gonna get Joe out of jail." "Yeah, I heard about that." "Well, we've all been trying to remember." "And we think there are three grown boys in Ira Danby's family and two in Milt Danby's family." "So, with the three Danbys here and Joe in jail, we figure that makes about 11." "Oh, plus all of the hired hands that they may want to bring along." "Well, that's about the figure I arrived at, too, 10 or 12 maybe." "Or 14 or 15 maybe." "It's quite a few." "It's almost a mob, you might say." "Have you figured what you're gonna do?" "More or less." "What?" "I thought I might just leave town." "Just get out of town before they ride in." "Just ride out and keep on going." "I don't believe it." "I don't know why not." "I've never made any secret of the fact that basically I'm on my way to Australia." "I don't think I'm gonna find a better time to get started than right now." "Besides, I don't like the odds." "I just don't believe it." "Well, you better believe it." "It's not gonna be too many hours before you look up and I'll be long gone." "I think that that is one of the most mature things" "I've ever heard of a man doing." "What..." "You think it's what?" "Mature." "Almost any other man would have to stick around to prove that they are a man and get a whole town shot up to boot." "Mature?" "Mature, as opposed to childish and shot full of holes." "You don't think it sounded a little cowardly?" "I mean, for a man to take a job and then when the going gets a little rough, he just sneaks out in the dead of night." "Well, of course you didn't say whether you're gonna do it in the day or the night." "But the point is didn't it sound a little cowardly to you?" "No, I told you, it sounds mature." "Well, it sounded a little cowardly to me just now when I said it." "Well, it isn't." "It's mature." "The reason I know it's cowardly is because I've never done a cowardly thing in my life, no matter what you or anybody else might think." "I didn't say..." "And it isn't mature." "It is cowardly." "Now let's just call things by the right name from now on, huh." "What is the matter with you?" "I'm just surprised at a girl who keeps throwing herself at a man when she secretly thinks he's a coward." "Let's go back to town." "(STUTTERING) What do you mean, throwing myself at you?" "Did you really think that I was gonna turn tail and run at the first sight of trouble?" "What..." "Why shouldn't I?" "That's what you just said you were gonna do." "Well, I'm not going to, so you just forget about it." " (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" " OLLY:" "All right." "Order!" "Order!" "Now you all heard the motion." "Those in favor, raise your hands." "Count it, Henry." "One, two, three, four, five." "Now, those in favor of not getting involved in the crisis which is about to befall our fair community." "In other words, keeping the hell off the streets and out of the way till the shooting is over, raise your hands." "Count 'em, Henry." "Five, 10, 15..." "I think we passed the motion." "Order!" "Order!" "Be it so entered in the books of the town council that the majority has ruled." "And as your mayor... (GUN FIRING)" "I object!" "Get that gun away from her." "(GROANS)" "You can't do this." "You just shut up and sit down, Prudy." "This is a meeting of the town council and certain select prominent citizens of this community." "And you can't walk in off the street and insult everyone." "I just wanna one question." "How many of you are gonna help the sheriff against the Danbys?" "Oh, no, wait a minute." "It's not as simple as that, Prudy." "Why not?" "Because there are factors to be considered." "Economic factors." "It could affect the wellbeing of everyone in this town." "Besides, I heard that the Sheriff is gonna leave town." "I did too." "At the time I heard it, I remember saying to myself," ""That sheriff has his head set squarely on his shoulders."" "Well, now he's not gonna leave town." "And I'd like to get my hands on whoever was it caused him to change his mind." "Me too." "A man with that good an idea oughta be encouraged to hold onto it." "What is the matter with all of you?" "Don't you remember how long we waited to find a man who would stand up to the Danbys?" "Do you remember what this town was like before him?" "Murdering, lynching, miners shooting up the town day and night." "And aside from the few things that you just mentioned, it wasn't a bad place at all." "Oh, sure, we had a little misunderstanding with the Danbys at times." "But they could all be worked out in time." "What about Joe Danby in jail for murder?" "Well, that would've solved itself too if the sheriff had left town like he promised to." "I said it before and I'll say it again." "The men in this town are nothing but a bunch of low-down miserable, cowardly curs." "As your father, I may have to take that kind of talk from you." "But as the mayor of this town, I sure as hell don't." "Throw her out, boys!" "And don't be too gentle with her." "Don't let her tie herself to that post!" "It's another trick of hers, tying herself to things whenever she doesn't wanna do something." "Death to all tyrants!" "What did she say?" "She said death to somebody or other, but it doesn't mean anything." "She's always saying death to somebody she's mad at." "Order!" "Order!" "Well, you might as well forget about getting any help from anybody in this town, or from anybody for 100 miles around." "Oh, that takes care of just about everybody, doesn't it?" "They can throw an unarmed girl out of a public meeting but they can't even defend their own town against a bunch of cutthroats like the Danbys." "Well, what are we going to do now?" " "We"?" " Don't turn down any help you can get." "How is Joe?" "Oh, he figures he's gonna be outta here and we're gonna be dead about this time tomorrow." "Did he seem to feel any sorrow over the fact that we might all be killed?" "No, it's more like he planned to dance and spit all over our graves." "That sounds like Joe." "Sure was an awful good idea you had about leavin' town." "Oh, you don't have to stay." "Oh, yes, I do." "I gotta stay if you do 'cause I took the job." "So did I." "I'll tell you what." "I'll even go to Australia with you if we leave right now." "Oh, we'll go to Australia all right, but first we got a few things to do, and I think it's about time we got started." "Prudy, do you really wanna help?" "Sure." "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get Joe outta here." "Then what are we gonna do?" "Oh, I got a couple of ideas." "If things work out right, we might live through this thing." "I sure liked his idea about leaving." "Now Prudy, you go in the courthouse." "Do you know how to use this?" "Here, you'll need these." " Jake, are you there?" " Yeah." "JASON:" "You know what you're supposed to do?" "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah." "(MUTTERING) Keep out of the line of fire whenever I can." " Mayor..." " Can't talk to you now, Sheriff." "We've got an emergency meeting at the town council." "Now what's that all about?" "You don't think I'm not gonna shoot through the window, do you?" "(HOOVES PATTERING)" "Here, take care of these, my eating teeth." "I don't want to get them all shot up." "Get Joe." "He ain't in there, Pa." "JASON:" "Hold it!" "You're under arrest." "Throw down your guns and I'll accept your surrender." "(GUNS FIRING)" "Haven't you ever heard of just wounding somebody?" "I only know one way to shoot, and that's to kill." "Well, we don't want a massacre on our hands, so just watch it." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Settle down out there." "Just hold it." "Okay, go ahead!" " Hey, Jason, where'd you put Joe?" " Got him upstairs, there." "Go get him." "Pa, look." "Your teeth, they saved my life." "Always worrying about your life!" "How am I supposed to jaw with from now on?" "Pa, look!" "JASON:" "I want all you people to unstrap your gun belts and throw your rifles down, or I'm gonna have to set this thing off." "(CHUCKLING)" "You don't think you're gonna bluff me out with that old cannon, do you?" "Why, it ain't even loaded." " Well, shall we see?" " Believe him, Pa!" "You stay out of this, you miserable coward!" "Well, what's it going to be, Danby?" "Jake, let Joe loose." "Put the rest of that bunch in jail." "By myself?" "I'll be right behind you." "You weren't gonna really blow him up, were you?" "Oh, of course not." "That thing isn't loaded." "I just stuck that fake fuse in there." "See?" "(LOUD EXPLOSION)" "Wow!" "My business!" "I'll find out who's responsible for this outrage if it's the last thing I ever do, Madame Orr." "(COUGHING)" "(SNICKERING)" "Disturbing the peace, that's what it is." "I don't care if you're cleaning up this town." "That was a terrible thing to do to them poor unfortunate girls." "Well, I didn't know that damn thing was loaded." "I've never done anything to an unfortunate girl in my life." "Ah!" "Some of those girls are the closest friends I've got." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Well, well, who have we here?" "It's the Sheriff." " It's the Sheriff, boys." " We know who it is." "Everybody in the territory knows who our sheriff is these days." "I guess Devery's right at that, Sheriff." "I imagine you're about the most popular and respected citizen we've got around here." "Well, that's nice to hear." "In fact, we're thinking about sending a delegation to Washington to see about turning this territory into a state." "We'd be proud if you'd head up that delegation." "Oh, no, no, no." "You wanted somebody who's gonna be here." "Oh, now, Jason, if you're upset with us about that Danby business..." "We were behind you all the way, Sheriff." "I can see where it might not have looked that way, but..." "No, that's not it." "It's just that, well..." "I've never made any secret of the fact that basically I'm on my way to Australia." "(ALL GROANING)" "Which reminds me," "I'm gonna have to think about getting started again one of these days." "(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)" "Would you excuse me, gentlemen?" "A small crisis needs to be handled." "Jump, Miss Prudy!" "Jump!" "Boys, I just want you to know that from now on when you pick on this young lady, you'll be picking on my girl." "We didn't have any idea the wind blew that way, Sheriff." "Well, now you know it." "You might, uh, spread the word around town." "Yes, sir." "What do you mean, your girl?" "Prudy, for once in your life, play it smart and keep your big, fat mouth shut." "You keep out of this." "What do you mean, your girl?" "Oh, come on, you've had that look in your eye since the first day I hit town." "Uh, we're gonna have a little agreement." "After we're married, no matter how many kids we got, when I say we're off to Australia, we pack up, kids and all, and off we go." "What do I wanna go to Australia for?" "Because that's where your husband would be, and girls usually go where their husbands are." "Oh." "When you put it that way..." "Why don't you put me down?" "Oh, I like it like this." "You, uh, want me to walk you home?" "If you want to, Sheriff." "Say, uh..." "Are you really one of the richest girls in this part of the country?" "The richest." "Well, that's nice." "That's real nice." "Now, the way this story ends is that they get married." "And he goes on to become governor of the state." "He never gets to Australia, but he keeps reading a lot of books about it." "I get to be sheriff of this town, then I go on to become one of the most beloved characters in Western folklore."