""He whisked off her shoes and panties in one movement, wild like an enraged shark," ""his bulky totem beating a seductive rhythm." ""Mary's body was burning, though the room was properly air-conditioned." ""They tried all the positions - on top, doggy, and normal." ""Exhausted, they collapsed onto the recently extended sofa bed." ""Then a hell beast ate them."" "Welcome, friend." "I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer, although I also pen westerns and erotica to keep my oar in." "I've always loved the great tragedies - King Lear, Superman II - and when I wrote, directed and starred in Darkplace," "I set out to continue that grand tradition." "This eve's yarn is an eternal story of love and loss, set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion - but you don't know that till the end." "It's my Romeo and Juliet, but less whiny." "So, dear pilgrim, I give you my hymn to the heart, with horror, along with interviews from me, my publisher Dean Learner and actor Todd Rivers." "That way you won't have to think for yourselves which is probably safer." "Hold it gently, like a lover in the shade of a mighty oak tree." "Perhaps you're gently petting, having enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine and a selection of continental cheeses." "Bon appetit." "'I'm Garth Marenghi - author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor." "'You are about to enter the world of my imagination." "'You are entering my Darkplace.'" "CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC" "Darkplace, Darkplace" "Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace" "Darkplacel" "Ooh!" "One moment." "Nature calls, if you know what I mean." "I'll just leave you briefly by this air vent." "Aah!" "Oh!" "God..." "Whatisit ?" "I forgot to flush!" "Ugh, oh!" "SIGHS" "Get me Dr Rick Dagless MD - now!" "Yes, I'll hold." "The script to Shuggoth was based on a sonnet I wrote when I was 16." "I'm a language junkie, that's my hit." "I get off on language." "I mean, just to think of the er... that poem by Wordsworth..." ""I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills," ""When all at once I saw a cloud, a host, of gleaming daffodils"." "There weren't even rhyming dictionaries when Bill wrote that." "It's very humbling." "Garth is the most significant artist I've worked with, and I worked with Lulu, and four other people, so we're talking creme de la creme." "'I'm Dr Rick Dagless MD." "'Awoman turned green last night after breathing in a green gas." "'Oould this be linked to the green cloud over the hospital's air vent?" "'I was cruising down to Ward B to find out." "'I'd stopped out of my way to give Sanchez and Asher a lift, 'a courtesy for which they'd yet to thank me.'" "You're welcome." "What's wrong with you, Dag?" "Nothing." "What are you doing for dinner, Liz?" "Oh, nothing." "Are you asking me out?" "No, just looking for recipe ideas." "I'm finding food a real bore." "I get a tin of soup, poach an egg in it, serve it with a pork pie and sausage roll." " I'll get a Wimpy." " Your call, Dag." "Liz, fancy egg in soup?" " No." "I think I'll wash my hair." " OK." " Plus I've got a headache." " Whatever." "Let's have some sounds." "There's a bad atmosphere in here." "MUSIC: '80s SYNTHESISER ROCK" "'Why won't she be mine?" "'I wish I was more attractive like Dagless." "'Still, one can only dream.'" "I'm a one-track lover" "Down a two-way lane" "Drivin' fast down the highway" "Must have been insane" "Cos the temperature's too high" "Travellin' way too fast" "And I knew our lovin'" "Was too hot to last" "She's smooth" "Like ice, cold to the touch and it isn't very nice when you're left" "Alone, your lady treats you bad, leaves you hangin' on the phone" "Take off, shove your lovin' in the wheels" "Put the pedal to the floor cos you're heading for the hills" " Got to get away, can't take it no more" " We should be makin' love" "Man, you don't need this, leave her at the door." "(Reed) The door, the door, the door." "Sanch, open the door!" "Open the door, Sanch!" "Sanch!" "Sorry, Thornton." "Bad dream." "Count yourself lucky." "Look at her." "ROMANTIC MUSIC" "It can happen like that, you can fall in love in an instant." "Todd's wonderful in this episode." "There are scenes where you're watching him as much as me." "She was in for a routine operation to shorten her toe which was really long like a finger." "Then this happened." "All in all she's a little off colour!" " Shut your mouth, Liz!" " Shut yours, Sanch, that was funny." "If we lose our sense of humour in this place, we might as well kill ourselves." "I only went into medicine for the laughs - and the pussy, and that dried up years ago." "That's no reason to mock this woman's condition." "I'm gonna stay and talk to her." "It's called a bedside manner - heard of it?" " Heard of yours, pal." " I've had it with you clowns." "He's acting like a jerk." "Come on, Liz, coffee's on me." " But coffee's free here." " Shh!" "She don't know that." "I'll look after Liz." "Get this skin sample analysed, and keep shtoom." "If Won Ton finds out, my arse is grass, and he's got a lawnmower!" "You dig?" "Ten-four." "Darkplacel" "WHIRRING" "'Funny!" "'" "Is that Gavin, the hospital gas expert?" "...Can you put Gavin on?" "Hi, Gavin." "Quick question re that green gas in the sky last night." "Sorry, I thought you were gonna speak." "Could the gas have contained cosmic fungi and/or spores?" "It could?" "And those fungal spores could infect a person?" "Only if they had been left directly next to an air vent?" "Cheers, Gavin." "I owe you a beer." "Actually, you owed me one, so we're quits." "Broccoli." "She's turning into broccoli." "INHALES" "Mmm, something smells good." "It's egg in soup." "Here, let me cut up your pork pie." "SPLAT" " Whoops!" " Ah, you've spilt." "I'll get a nurse to help you out of that night dress." "I think I'd be more comfortable with a doctor's touch." "As a horror writer, there are certain words you don't use in a sex scene - balls, knickers, scrote." "It's not clever, it's not sexy." "It's bad writing." "With modern writers, it's, " He licked her, she sucked that," ""someone put it there, he held it, at this frequency."" "Where's the sensuality?" "Where's, "He glided in, liquid smooth"?" "Where's her "wispy mound"?" "Where's her "sacred V"?" " "Honeyed lining"." " "Mossy cleft"?" "Look at that." "Makes you wonder what else is up there." "All our broccoli must've come from the sky, billions of years ago." "Now it's evolved, become less aggressive." "Broccoli from space." "I wondered why it tasted odd." " This is serious, Thornton." " Come on, Dag." "That was funny." "You're right, that was funny." "I'm just worried about Sanch." "This time tomorrow the girl he loves will be a complete vegetable." "I can cope with constant bereavement." "He can't." "Most people can't." " That's not all, Reed and Rick." " Isn't it?" "No." "Gavin just handed me this." "This says the broccoli spores can be passed on by the physical act of lovemaking." "If it's passed to Sanchez, half of Romford'll have it within the week." "If they have made love, that is." "Let's hope Sanch ain't dipped his wick, or it's nationwide." "Bang goes my Hippocratic oath." " Have you ever done that before?" " What?" "Making love?" "I mean, with a patient?" "Yes, but they were dying - it was their last wish." "With you, it was real." "I did it because you're different." "Plus, I've got a thing for green women." " Hold me in your arms." " We don't even know each other's names." " Linda." " Dr Sanchez." " Oh..." " What is it?" "I'm just so happy." "The cosmic spores represented AIDS." "I have had... such terrible experiences with... that... with... with the AIDS." "Um..." "I've lost so many friends to that terrible disease - my half-brother, who was such a promising dancer - very quietly and very peacefully, he went." "And then..." "Freddie went." "Back then, no-one would touch this subject." "It was us and Princess Di." "What's wrong, Dag?" "Looks like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders." " Have you ever been in love, Padre?" " Only with the holy three." "Ha-ha." "It can make you feel like the king of the world, or..." " A complete tool?" " It's powerful stuff." "My best friend's woman's gonna die, she's turning into broccoli." "Jesus Christi!" "It's very infectious." "The only way to stop it spreading is to boil her." "You could steam her." "How does one weigh the happiness of these two star-crossed lovers " "Romeo and Juliet, 'gainst the future of Romford?" "You'll know what to do." "You're the most sensitive man I know, and I know God." "Thanks for the advice." "I knew I'd be right." "Come on, come to Padre." "Embrace the infinite." "BOTH EXHALE" "That's it, that's it." "Oh, come on." "If you need me, I'll be here in the vestry - or out in my Jeep." "Cheers, Padre." " Stay holy." " Amen!" "When I pray, and sometimes I do I pray to myself." "I pray that I can pull myself through." "And if I'm lucky I answer myself." "Champagne on ice for bed 395 - I want to surprise Linda." "I'll have a double scotch and my friend will have the same." "To Linda and her speedy recovery." "Yeah." "'How can I tell him she's dying?" "Lt'll tear him apart.'" "Sanch, I saw Linda." "She said she doesn't love you and to forget what happened because it was meaningless." "That's a goddamn lie." "You can't stand it that this time I got the girl." "Don't walk away from me, lover boy." "I suggest you remove your hand or I'll knock you down." "You're gonna have to make me." "OK, buddy, let's dance." "(Sanch) 'Jesus!" "Been in the gym.'" "Nice shot, buddy!" "Linda's dying." "She's turning into broccoli." "It's very contagious." "She must be boiled." "Boil Linda?" "Over my dead body, you bastard!" "EXAGGERATED SOUND EFFECTS" "(Sanch) 'OK, come on!" "'" "'Yeah?" "Come on!" "'" "(Sanch) One dirty trick, on my back!" "Bastard!" "Knock it off, this is a hospital!" " He's out of line." " He's out of line!" "You're both out of line." "I'm not gonna dance for you." "I don't have to." "I want you both in my office five minutes ago - so you'd best hurry up." "Look Sanch, I know about Linda, and I'm sorry." "God knows I am." "But slapping Dag's ass won't bring her back, Annie." "If Dag thinks we have to boil her, I'm backing him 110%." "That means I could backtrack 10% and still be behind him." "You have no idea what this feels like, old timer." "When my wife died, I could barely finish my lunch." "But we're more worried about your downstairs area." "Sanch, we know what's up with your meat and two." "I saw you in the gents." " Mild discomfort." " Tell Reed what colour it is!" " Olive green." "What of it?" " We'll have to lop it off." " I've asked Reed to assist me." " He's not been in surgery in ten years!" "I've had first-hand experience." "I lost a ball in Korea." "Did the op myself." "But this is the whole nine yards." "He's not getting near it." "I'd offer you my own if I could, but this is the only way." "It's the only way." "Otherwise it'll spread." "You're not getting my rod without a fight." "The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost." "The can of film was destroyed in a drink-related misadventure in Fulham." "It was an idiotic altercation which I regret for personal and professional reasons." "However, with the aid of some stills taken by the girlfriend of the time, we have reconstructed the missing scenes with added narration from the available cast." "I hope this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama." "(Garth) 'Sanchez lunges at Reed but is held down by Dagless.'" "(Dean) 'Don't touch it!" "'" "(Garth) 'R eed calls for backup and a general anaesthetic is administered.'" "'Linda worsens." "Sanchez is rushed to surgery to stop the infection spreading.'" "'Dagless and Reed remove the affected penis and leave Sanchez to recuperate, 'but it is now too late for Linda.'" "Hello, Linda." "You look better." "Do you feel you're getting better?" "Now, I've run some tests." "You're gonna have a long sleep, and you'll wake up right as rain." "Sanchez will be with you and you'll have a great future together." "Sanchwouldbe here, but he's out helping some crippled children right now." "He won't stop talking about you." "You've found yourself a good man." "The guy happens to be my best bud in the whole world." "What's this?" "A dream catcher - it's like a wind chime." "Then why don't you say wind chime?" "Thank you." "Sanch will love this." "He loves wind and he loves the sound of tinkling." "And he loves you." "GASPS" "MONITOR BEEPS" "BEEPING STOPS" "She's gone." "She's all yours, guys." "'As Linda breathed her last green breath, 'the cloud disappeared - much like the Scotch Mist did last week - 'and I went back to my humble doctor's duties.'" "Thanks for saving my life." "You're welcome, little man." "He's a good kid, but keep him off the smack." "Try and get a husband, get some stability in your life, OK?" "Excuse me." "(Hey, big guy.)" "I will not rest until I've found you an adequate replacement." "Linda asked me to give you this." "What is it?" " A dream catcher." " What's a dream catcher?" "It's like a wind chime." "I think you should have it." "For saving my life." "Thanks, Sanch." "TINKLING" "Wait!" "Thanks for that lift." "Don't mention it." "'The broccoli had gone, but the hurt remained - for all of us." "'Darkplace was getting to us from within, and what we had to fear most was ourselves." "'That and AIDS." "If you want it, wear one - sex, that is, not AIDS." "No-one wants AIDS." "'I'd have to look out for everyone - not that I'd get any thanks.'" "I wanted to make people laugh and cry and shit themself at the same time." "We are seeing an end to the quality of television that we should be able to take for granted." "'We are seeing a dumbing down of television." "'We're living in dangerous times." "'The horror genre is in decline." "Um... '" "Reading is in decline." "Literacy, numeracy, the three Ls are in decline." ""You and he were..." ""buddies, weren't you?"" "Need I say more?" "Need I say more?" "We didn't know what it would achieve, that it would still be talked about." "(Dean) Garth's place in history is assured, his place is assured." "As a horror writer, I don't ask for much," "I just hope I've changed the way you think about life." "I'm a one-track lover" "Down a two-way lane" "Driving fast down the highway" "Must have been insane" "Cos the temperature's too high" "Travellin' way too fast" "And I knew our lovin'..." "Was too... (Dean) 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production 'in association with Dean Learner.'"