"Perkins, I think it was a big mistake for Accounting to send you down here." "I'm only checking out our agents in accordance with CONTROL's new directive on economy." "Well, stay out of my way." "In just a few minutes Eric Kruger-- one of KAOS's top agents-- will be coming out of that theater door." "Why don't you go in after him?" "I've seen the picture." "Good." "By waiting for him outside the theater you saved CONTROL $1.80." "Stand back." "Here he comes now." "All right, Kruger, hold it." "I'll have to report you, Smart." "Report me?" "What are you talking about, Perkins?" " That's Kruger, isn't it?" " That may be Kruger, but you used three bullets when you could've used one." "Now, wait a minute, Perkins." "I know there's a cutback in appropriations, but this is ridiculous." "The directive states:" ""All agents will economize on bullets, exploding capsules and suicide pills."" "Suicide pills?" "Are you kidding?" "I've saved CONTROL a fortune on suicide pills." "Why, in all the years I've been with them, I've only taken six or seven." "And that was only to please the Chief." " Smart, that makes four." " But, Perkins" "I don't know how we're going to explain four bullets in Kruger." "Maybe we could say that three of them were self-inflicted." "You've been hit." "I'd better get you an ambulance." "Oh no, I" " I'll take a crosstown bus." "A crosstown bus?" "But you need a doctor." "Oh no." "CONTROL's budget could never stand it." "I'll just wash out the wound myself and put on a little iodine." "Well, I'd better call the Chief and tell him we've got our man." " Operator:" "What number are you calling?" " 555-9417." "I'm sorry, that number has been disconnected." " Disconnected?" " For failure to pay their bill." "Come on, we'd better get down to headquarters and find out about this." "My car is parked right outside in the street." " Is that little red car yours?" " Yes, it is." "I'm from a finance company." "We're repossessing it." " Repossessing it?" " CONTROL missed two payments." "Sorry, but I have to take it back." "That makes five." " Who's that?" " Kruger." "Can I have the car keys, please?" "Oh, one thing:" "be careful of the machine gun in the exhaust pipe." "It's been backfiring lately." "Machine gun in the exhaust pipe, right." "Oh, another thing:" "don't remove the radiator cap." "It sprays a poisonous gas." "Poisonous gas from radiator, right." "Oh, one last thing:" "don't use the cigarette lighter." "It's a hand grenade." "Lighter is a hand grenade." "Right." "You've got a dangerous car there." "I don't know why you say that." "It's got seat belts." "Well, Perkins, looks like we're gonna have to take the bus." "Say, have you got 25¢?" "Forgot to tell him about the gas pedal." "( theme music playing )" "We had to let the lab men go." "Chief, do you know they've disconnected my shoe phone?" "Yes, I know, Max." "And I'm afraid I'll have to take your gun." "Holster?" "Well, at least I still have my tear-gas pen." "Chief, I don't have anything." "Can't you at least give me a set of brass knuckles?" "Brass is too expensive, Max." "I can let you have a new aluminum job." "Aluminum knuckles?" "Not knuckles, Max, knuckle." "One will have to do." "Oh, and I'll take that suicide pill." "It's very expensive." "Well, Chief, what are they gonna use in place of the suicide pill?" "If it's really necessary, I'd suggest a rope and a chair." "But that's ridiculous, Chief." "You know that KAOS always searches" " its captives for rope and twine." " Oh, that's right." "Of course if worse comes to worst, I can beat myself to death with a chair." "This cutback is ridiculous." "Max, we're due in 15 minutes to plead our case before a closed session of the Senate subcommittee." "Chief, you really think we can convince them to give CONTROL back its appropriation?" "I hope so, Max." "But until then, we'll all have to tighten our belts." "Listen, Chief, this may be the wrong time, but I've been meaning to ask you" " about that raise you promised me." " Raise?" "What raise?" "This is no time to talk about a raise." "Max, be careful." "This fellow Dietrich-- the committee counsel-- he's a tough egg." "Don't worry, Chief." "I know what I'm doing." "Gentlemen, our first witness is an agent of CONTROL, Maxwell Smart." "Mr. Smart." "( mutters ) Come on, Max." " Mr. Smart!" " What is it?" "Will you please take your seat?" "Just checking for hidden microphones." "I can assure you there are none." "Now if you'll just speak into that microphone" "Of course." "Gentlemen, I hope you'll forgive me if I seem a little overcautious, but I'm sure you'll understand." "You never know when a Senate investigating committee might be investigated by a Senate investigating committee." "( Max laughing )" "Is this thing on?" "But seriously, folks," "I feel it only fair to say a word in the defense of CONTROL." "Gentlemen, CONTROL needs money to operate." "And let me tell you this, if we aren't operating, this country is in a lot of trouble." "Mr. Smart, if you're quite finished, would you mind taking your seat?" "Certainly." "Gentlemen, I submit that CONTROL is a secret police force, answerable only to itself." "I submit that it is extravagant in its budget, ineffectual in its conduct, and worthless to the national interest." " He's onto us, Chief." " Dietrich:" "Mr. Smart, how many" " arrests did CONTROL make last year?" " I don't know." "Who's the number-one man in your organization?" "I don't know." "How many cases were assigned to CONTROL last year?" "I don't know." "What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?" "They can't fire me." "And why not?" "I know too much." " ( intercom clicks )" " This is Siegfried." "Get me a messenger." "I will have him take a message to Maxwell Smart at CONTROL's top-secret headquarters," "123 Main Street." "And hurry." "( snickers )" "They may not be in business too much longer." "Well, Chief, I'm afraid I didn't do too good at that hearing." "Don't blame yourself, Max." "That Dietrich is deadly." "Oh, here." "This letter is for you." "It looks important." "Chief, do you know who this letter is from?" " Who?" " It's from Siegfried, KAOS's top agent." "He wants me to meet him at Roger's Park... to discuss possible employment." "They must know that CONTROL is in financial trouble and is laying off agents." "Don't worry, Chief." "I'd never join KAOS." "Wait a minute, Max." "If you could infiltrate KAOS and uncover the KAOS man who is high in our government, that will prove to the committee how valuable our work is." "Yes, I suppose it would." "Let me see that letter a minute." "Siegfried says he'll be disguised as an old woman." "I want you to meet him disguised as an old man." "Why, Chief?" "To show KAOS that we're just as clever as they are." "Well, okay, if you say so, Chief." "It's just that I hate to have people think that I'm leaving CONTROL." "It looks like I'm deserting a sinking ship." "We're not sinking, Max." "CONTROL is still in business." "We're very much a going concern." "I'll call Senator Palmer and arrange another meeting." "Larrabee?" "Yes, sir." "I want an appointment with Senator Palmer." "Call him." "On what?" "They took my phone away too." "Don't just stand there." "Call him from the candy store on the corner." "Yes, sir." "Chief-- you got a dime on you?" "Max." "Siegfried, is that Smart over there?" "Ja, it must be." "I'll contact him." "You return to headquarters, Hans." " Ja." " Ja, what?" " Ja, sir." " That's better." "Good luck with the defector." "I'll see you back at KAOS." "All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?" "Smart, KAOS is a growing organization." "Und you'll be working with a great bunch of boys." "I don't know, Siegfried." "I've heard they're not all as rotten as they pretend to be." "Not as rotten?" "Are you kidding?" "They're all former quiz masters, disc jockeys, used car salesmen, TV repairmen und politicians." "Now look, Siegfried, all I want you to do is to give me one good reason why I should join KAOS." "Smart, in this world there are the poor good guys and the rich bad guys." "Which would you like to be?" "Glad to have you aboard." "You begin training school tomorrow." "Training school?" "I don't need any training school." "Ja, Smart, you must learn." "We do things differently at KAOS." "We have a unique clause:" "either you graduate or you are shot." "You must have some interesting graduations." "You don't know whether to come with a cap and gown or a blindfold." "Now that our business is settled, what do you say we have a schnapps together?" "Are you kidding, Siegfried?" "I'm not taking you into a public bar dressed like that." "What's the matter with the way I'm dressed?" "This is one of my best disguises." "Well, if you must know, you look absolutely silly and ridiculous." "I could go home and change into a miniskirt." "Never mind, Siegfried, I'll take you for one drink." "One drink and that's all." "What do you mean by that?" "One drink." "No dinner." "No dancing." "Siegfried, are you absolutely sure this blindfold is necessary?" "I'm afraid so, Smart." "No one but me knows the location of KAOS headquarters." " No one?" " No one." "Drive, Boris." "You will start your training program in this class, Smart." " ( phone buzzing )" " Excuse me." "Hello?" "Ja, Smart is here now." "I believe him to be a legitimate defector." "Of course, sir." "If he proves to be a double agent" "( speaks German )" "Yes, sir." "I used to have one of those." "This is our class in advanced torture." "It is here we teach our men how to withstand pain." "We've done exhaustive research on the study of pain." "( laughs ) Do it again." "Quiet, stupid!" "We're not here for laughs." "Lutz." "It also has practical advantages." "Hans is 6'4" tall." "When he first joined KAOS, he was only 5'9"." "Hans..." "I would like you to meet Maxwell Smart, formerly the top agent at CONTROL." "Americans make such inferior spies." " No strength." " Ah, you are unfair, Hans." "Smart was a giant in his former service." "Tell us, Smart, what does CONTROL teach you to do if a man comes at you with a knife and tries to stab you?" "That depends on whether he's a friend or an enemy." "Let us show you the KAOS way." "That is how KAOS teaches its men to handle an attacker." "If you don't mind, Siegfried, I'd like to try that again." "One more time." "( grunts )" "( sighs )" "Okay, that's enough." "I think I've proved my point." " What's that?" " That dummy fell for the same trick three times." "I fear that Hans is a little too much for you." "Why don't you try hitting him in the stomach?" "Good idea." "( stomps )" "( telephone rings )" "Hans?" "For you." "Jawohl." "What are you doing here?" " You should study for tomorrow's exam." " Oh yes, of course." "Well, you see, Siegfried, I thought it would be a lot easier to study for tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight." "Excellent." "All the world loves a cheat." "Forget the exam." "You just passed it." "Oh, well, that's great." "It certainly calls for a drink." " Do you have any beer?" " Do I?" "!" "Some fine lager from Bavaria." "( whistling )" "You know, Siggie, you and I have had" " some great times together." " Ja." "Do you remember the time you tried to smuggle that Japanese scientist out of America?" " But we didn't let you." " Oh, yes." "What ever happened to him?" "I still have him." "I didn't have the heart to kill him." "Und besides, he does such a wonderful job on my garden." "You know, Smart, I have always liked you, even when I was trying to kill you." "Do you remember the time you swallowed the formula for the new missile-carrying submarine?" "Oh yes, and you gave orders to that KAOS doctor" " to cut my stomach out." " Und you kept asking me if KAOS was covered by Blue Cross." "Yes, and the Chief rescued me just in time, just before that doctor made his incision." "The joke was on you, Smart." "That man wasn't a doctor." "Really?" "But he held the knife right over my stomach." "He was guessing." "( slurring ) You know, Smart, as a KAOS super spy," "I act very... sure of myself, so tough, but deep down I am filled with doubts." "All the spying und killing in the war between us-  mm-hmm." " You wonder if it's all necessary?" "No." "I wonder... why we are not winning." "( telephone rings )" " Man:" "Siegfried?" " Ja." "Maxwell Smart is not a true defector." "You know what to do." "( mimics Siegfried ) Liquidate him." " I think for Mr. Smart the jig is up." " ( clicks )" "Oh, hello, Hans." "Would you like a little beer?" "It's from Bavaria." "What were you doing on Herr Siegfried's phone?" "Und what have you done to Herr Siegfried?" "It was a wrong number and Mr. Siegfried is asleep." " Too much party." " I must awaken him." "Using this phone is forbidden." "This act must be reported." "Good thinking, Hans." "I'm not your usual KAOS killer, you know?" "I think about things." "I'll bet you do." "Say, Hans..." "I wonder if you'd mind if I tried punching you in the stomach again." "If you like." "But this time you won't catch me by surprise." "Okay." "Stomach ready?" "All right." "Go ahead." "Gentlemen, you will be distressed to learn that the subcommittee will recommend that the appropriation for CONTROL be denied." "Your agency's had quite a run for its money, but now the jig is up." "What did you say, Dietrich?" "I said the jig is up." "It's a figure of speech." "Indeed it is, Mr. Dietrich." "And that figure of speech was all I needed to expose you as a foreign spy in the employ of KAOS." " Max, what are you saying?" " How about it, Dietrich?" "Oh, it's ridiculous." "Smart is taking a last, desperate gamble to make the committee think that CONTROL serves a useful purpose." "Why, he wasn't even able to learn anything posing as a defector to KAOS." "Dietrich, how did you know that I was a defector to KAOS?" "Only the Chief and I and KAOS knew that." "Anyone of you comes near me, the senator dies." "Max:" "It won't work, Dietrich." "Senator Harper is not up for reelection." "Cool it, Max." "We can't risk the senator's life." "You haven't got a chance, Dietrich." " Oh no?" " You wouldn't dare." "It's 14 stories." "Not me." "All of you." "Oh, that's different." "In that case you've got a chance." "Except for one thing:" "one shot from that pistol and the cops will come rolling in here like oranges." "Your point, Smart." "But the game is mine." " That door is locked, Dietrich." " Wrong, Smart." "Ah-hhh." "Wasn't the elevator working?" "Yes, but it was on the ground floor." "Gentlemen, it may interest you to know that Mr. Dietrich with one jump has just broken the indoor free-fall record." "Max, what was your first clue that Dietrich was a KAOS agent?" "It was an expression he used, Chief." " But why'd he pull a gun?" " Perhaps he knew the jig was up." "Exactly what I was thinking." "You see, Chief, when I got that phone" "I think I may have just made a terrible mistake." "Ah, Smart." "Nice to see you." "Siegfried, what in the world are you doing here?" " Have an ice cream?" " Oh, thank you." "So, Smart, this round goes to you." "( sneers ) I should've known you'd never defect to KAOS." "I certainly hope I didn't make you look too bad in the eyes of your superiors." "Well, it was a little embarrassing since I did recommend you and since you did expose our top man in government, but KAOS is made up of reasonable men." "They believe in forgive and forget." "Good." "Say, this certainly is a wonderful cover you've got here." "What cover?" "This is how I make my living." "( calls out ) Raspberry ripple!" "( theme music playing )"