"Zeke..." "Get in here." "Zeke!" "Did you do this?" "What did I tell you about using my blackboard for your math bullcrap?" "Do you not have paper and pencils in whatever it is you call a home?" "I'm sorry." "It... it's a hobby." " And w-what happened to the diagram I had drawn up here?" "Did you erase it?" "There was no diagram." "S-someone Drew a naked woman on there." "Damn it, Zeke!" "Now I have to start all over again!" "Get out of here." "Get out of my sight." "Now we're talking." "¶ ¶" "thank you." "Hey, Meg, how's the photography going?" "Oh, so great." "I just got a new part-time job taking pictures for the newspaper." "Congratulations." "The editor saw some pictures on Facebook of me and my friends on spring break, and he wanted to meet with me." "That's terrific." "So I met him in his office, which is actually a motel room, and there was an interview." "Funny thing is he took a lot of pictures of me." "But I got the job." "Hey, you make your own luck." "How'd you know Meg's a photographer?" "Oh, all hot girls are photographers." "It's easy to do, and nobody ever tells them their pictures are bad." "If they're really hot, they also make jewelry." " Hey, guys." " Hey." "So I was up in my attic leaving out food for the ghost..." "Glenn, I'm 99% certain that's a raccoon." "Josh, you got to believe in something." "Anyway, I'm up there, and I find this box of old junk." "It's like a walk through my past." "My homemade nunchucks, makeup from my goth period, my retainer..." "It still fits!" "Hey, look, it's a picture from our prom." "Where's Glenn's date?" "Oh, yeah, she got sick at the last minute, so she had to go with someone else." "This is mine." "It's an old test from when I took your class ten years ago." "Ouch, a 58!" "That is a big, fat "f."" "Yeah." "Why is there a "good job" sticker on it?" "The sticker's supposed to be sarcastic." "See, it's in quotes." "God, I remember this... 20th-century-history exam, only test I ever failed." "It kind of devastated me." "I left it at your house, so my parents wouldn't see it." "I told my parents it was mine." "Yeah, they were real proud of my improvement." "They threw me a pizza party." "You were usually such a good student, Josh, but you really pooped the crib on this one." "Yeah, I didn't study." "I had a real problem with procrastination back then." "I could procrastinate to anybody." "The girl didn't even need to be hot." "Hey, look, my dad's old hats." "Let me see." "Hey, we probably look like our dads." ""Stay away from Asian girls." "They'll give you chlamydia!"" ""When you gonna pop your cherry, boy?"" ""It costs a lot of money to make pipe bombs these days."" ""I don't..." "I don't drive around half the county selling fake bibles just to come home to your crap."" "Oh, dad." "Anyway, I got these books up here too." " Yeah?" " Check them out." "They were from the family that lived in my house before me." "They're really old." ""This book is property of Lee h." "Oswald, age nine."" "This one says the same thing..." ""lee h." "Oswald."" "This one too." "These were in your attic?" "Yeah." "Right next to a big pile of ghost droppings." "Glenn, is it possible Lee Harvey oswald lived in your house when he was a kid?" "Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute." "Lee Harvey oswald, the guy that shot John f." "Kennedy?" "Allegedly." "I'm a bit of an expert on the Kennedy assassination." "It's the only part of history I don't hate." "Aren't history teachers supposed to love history?" "Do garbage men love garbage?" "I can't believe my house is connected to such a dark day in history." "We're not even connected to the Internet." "If Lee Harvey oswald lived in big lake, this fills in a vital missing step in my conspiracy theory." "I'm this close to figuring out what really happened." "Oh, yeah?" "What's your theory?" "Well, let's just say ladybird Johnson spoke fluent Cuban." "They speak Spanish in Cuba." "Oh, so you've been there." "Mail's here." "Josh, there's a letter for you." "It's a letter from the kid in Kenya I sponsored." "I felt like I should give back, help someone who really needs it." ""Dear Josh, our village just got its first computer."" "I contributed to that." ""I googled you, and I don't want you" ""to sponsor me anymore." ""I'm hungry, but I have my pride." ""Sincerely, Dikembe." ""P.S., the whole village weeps for what you did to your father." "Please give him this check for $2.15."" "Good Americans, those africans." "Now I'm scared to open the letter from that manatee I adopted." "My life is not where I want it to be right now." "Oh, sweetie, [ bleep] Dikembe!" "Thanks, mom." "But it's not just that." "Look at me." "I got no job, no girlfriend." "I'm sleeping on your couch." "I stayed up all night last night, and I think I figured out exactly when things went wrong for me." "Was it when your father kicked those gypsies out of the restaurant, and they cursed our firstborn son?" "Did that happen?" "Oh, I can't tell you how many times!" "No." "It was when I took this test." "Before this, in tenth grade, everything was great." "I was full of potential." "I had an amazing life lined up, and then this happened." "Because of this "f,"" "I didn't get into honors history." "So I didn't get to take the a.P. History exam, where I would have sat next to Karen Polowsky." "And after the test, we would have met up to see how it went." "We would have hit it off, started dating." "I would have followed her to Yale." "She would have introduced me to her freshman roommate, lizzy." "I would have broken up with Karen to date lizzy." "Lizzy's dad would have been a judge." "He would have pulled strings to get me into law school." "I would have wound up on the law review because of this third girl I was dating." "Long story there." "I would have wound up a special prosecutor focusing on bank fraud, putting people like me behind bars, where they belong." "That should have been my life!" "Successful, respected, married to Karen Polowsky, who I randomly ran into at a dog park one day!" "But instead, this happened, and here I am." "Well, I would have pretended to welcome Karen Polowsky into our family, but I would have secretly resented her, and I would never have let her cook any side dishes at Thanksgiving." "And you would have missed out on a dynamite green-bean casserole." "From a can." "Hey, how's the world of photojournalism?" "It is a whirlwind." "The editor mostly has me following his ex-wife, but he says that's how everybody gets their start." "Chris, we have to talk about this test." "Josh, take it easy." "It could have been worse." "Last year I gave the test, and one kid thought the Missouri compromise was just the tip." "This was the first in a chain of events that ruined my whole life." "Look, I made a chart that shows step-by-step where everything went wrong." "Hey, that looks just like the chart of my conspiracy theory." "Karen Polowsky's on yours too?" "Interesting." "Look, you've got to let me retake that test." "Josh, everyone's got tests they'd like to redo... s.A.T., field sobriety, what John Hughes movie are you?" "I mean, there's no way I'm curly sue." "Hey, guys." "I've been doing some serious thinking." "Lee Harvey oswald lived in my house." "That's a lot of responsibility." "I just feel like I should offer my home to the nation as a museum or a shrine, a place of solemn healing." "That's actually a really selfless gesture." "And apply for national landmark status, which means I live tax-free for the rest of my life." "Ka-ching!" "That's why I registered my apartment as an Indian reservation." "Glenn, that seems a little crass." "Josh, I'm trying to heal this country." " You're a good man." " Thank you." "I can be your historical consultant." "I am getting ever closer to piecing together what happened on that fateful day in 1958." "I thought it was 1963." "Oh, don't be a sheep." "Gentlemen, I'm off to the mall to get a very somber plaque..." "And also one of those pretzels with cinnamon on it." "Hey, don't get cinnamon on the plaque." "He's gonna get cinnamon on the plaque." "Chris, I really need to retake this test." "If I pass, I can close this chapter of my life and move on." "Okay, how about this?" "I got a class working on the 20th-century-history unit." "They have an exam on Monday." "Why don't you come to class and take it with them?" "Perfect." "Thank you so much." "I really appreciate it." "Well, as a teacher, I try not to actively ruin a student's life when I can avoid it." "You may say I'm a dreamer." "Now there's just the matter of the $30 test registration fee." "There wasn't a test registration fee ten years ago." "Well, ten years ago, my gambling addiction was limited to college sports." "Saturday night..." "my man is living the life." "Just sitting down to study for my history test." "I've got my flash cards, my highlighters." "I got a great game plan here." "I'm good to go." "Say, uh, what's that?" "Henkel's test for Monday?" "I could sell it to you, with answers... 50 bucks." "I can't do that." "I've got to pass this the right way, or else it doesn't mean anything." "Life is meaningless, Josh." "Read camus." "Uh, 40 bucks..." "take it or leave it." "I'll leave it." "Okay, but when you change your mind, give me a call." "But don't talk for more than 30 seconds, 'cause that's how long it takes them to get a wire up." "Josh, why are all these papers spread out on the table?" "Did you run out of plates?" "I tried to study at home, but I went online," "Next thing I know, four hours had gone by." "Oh, yeah." "It's like a black hole." "You can spend a whole night doing that." " Oh, yeah." " So how's the studying going?" "To be honest, I haven't quite started yet, so..." "Well, it sounds like you deserve a break." "Come help us out with this Lee Harvey oswald project." "It's really coming together." "This test is way too important to me..." "I'm sorry." "Josh, if I can give schoolchildren a place to learn about this tragedy, only then can we be sure it'll never happen again." "And that's why I'm gonna blow out my kitchen to make room for a tasteful reflecting pool and food court." "I don't think it'll be tasteful at all." "This guy's one of the most hated figures in American history." "Sounds like you knew him pretty well." "Now, how would I know Lee Harvey oswald?" "That's exactly what Marilyn Monroe said, if you play her "happy birthday, Mr. president"" "backwards." "Listen, Josh, we have an appointment at 9:00 in the morning to present ideas to the Mayor and the city landmark commission." "Come help me with this!" "You're the only one with a college degree." "Chris has a college degree." "Look, it's quite an offer, but believe it or not," "I have stuff to do." "Listen, Josh, I know sometimes people don't take me seriously, because I do dumb things or the way I say the word "tomato."" "How do you say it?" " Toe-muh-toe." "It's okay." "But this is important to me, okay?" "A place for people to remember and commemorate one of the darkest threads in the American tapestry, a place where people can mourn and reflect and pay $12 for a cheeseburger shaped like a Texas book depository!" "Okay, I'm busy." "Can you guys just get out of here?" "Don't think I haven't noticed you've never denied being a paid agent of fidel Castro." "Fine." "I deny it." "Hmm." "Methinks he doth protest too much." "Yeah." "So, how's studying going?" "Good." "Uh, really good." "Glad to hear it, Josh, because I hear that test is a killer." "20th century is a lot of material." "100 years, couple of world wars." "I don't need to tell you about the rise of the bull moose party." "No, please do." "Please tell me about the rise of the bull moose party." "It's kind of a lot to learn if you're starting at 2:00 A.M." "The night before." "I thought it was 8:30 P.M." "How long have I been doing this?" "Gee, I'd hate for you to fail that test a second time." "It'd be quite a blow..." "A powerful symbol that, in a way, you haven't progressed at all since tenth grade." "The test's at 10:00." "You've got eight hours." "Nighty-night." "1901..." "If I can just get through 1965," "I can probably get a 65..." "that's passing!" "Hey, big brother, looking good!" "I've got an hour till test time." "I think I can do this." "You can do anything you set your mind to..." "Not really." "I think, after yesterday, I can probably skip the part about the Kennedy assassination." "Hey, wait." "It says here that Lee Harvey oswald grew up in Louisiana and Texas." " Mm-hmm." "So when did he live in Glenn's house?" ""This book is property of Lee "comma" h." "Oswald"?" ""This book is property of Hyung Oswald Lee"?" "Oh, yeah." "That's a Korean kid." "Yeah, I remember the lees." "They used to live in Glenn's house." "Oh, no, I got to warn Chris and Glenn before they embarrass themselves." "This is a disaster." "That's the mother..." "Or the father or the son or the daughter." "Hello, Mr. Mayor." "First off, let me thank you for letting us meet with you on such short notice." "We're big fans of the landmark commission." "The biggest." "With two such big fans, you'd think it'd be a little cooler in here." "Actually, we're keeping the thermostats higher to save energy." "Well, we had a good morning." "We just approved the restoration of the Hamilton greenhouse." "Well, if you like that, you're gonna love this." "As you may or may not know, the town of big lake is lucky enough to be the childhood home of one of America's most famous sons..." "Lee Harvey oswald!" "The guy who shot Kennedy?" "Allegedly." "Yeah, j.F.K. Was shot by a guy 500 feet away instead of the woman sitting right next to him." "That makes sense." "Not right now, Chris." "I'm just saying in any homicide, the first person the cops look at is the spouse." "Mr. Mayor, I want you to help me open a Lee Harvey oswald museum and gift emporium." "Together, we could make the town of big lake synonymous with the man that killed John f." "Kennedy." "Is this some kind of grotesque joke?" "Did I forget to mention the food court?" " You did." " There's gonna be a food court." "Bay of pigs in a blanket!" "Okay, I think we're done here." "No, no." "Wait, wait, wait, Mr. Mayor, please, please." "Look, I understand why you might not be into this." "I hear what you're saying." "I get it." "We're thinking too small." "This has to be a full-scale amusement park!" "Lee Harvey Osworld!" "We're talking roller coasters, a go-kart motorcade, a magic bullet ride!" "A guy in a big, furry Lee Harvey suit doing caricatures and making balloon animals." "So far, I can only make a dog and a sword, but my caricatures are top-notch." "If the guy that killed Disney could have an amusement park, we should!" "Guys, don't give this presentation." "Uh, we already started." "Yeah, and I'm doing pretty good, by the way." "Glenn, Lee Harvey oswald never lived in your house." "The books belonged to some Korean kid." "What are you talking about?" "Hmm." "Back to my original theory... sky bullets." "It doesn't matter if Lee Harvey oswald or Hyung Oswald Lee lived in your house." "Some moments in history aren't about selling merchandise." "Some are." "God knows I love my Nixon library beach towel." "But the Kennedy assassination you can't sell a piece of, because that belongs to everyone." "That's a big, fat load of bullcrap!" "I was on a roll here, man." "I was about to close this!" "Actually, I thought you guys came here to kill me." "I texted "good-bye" to my wife with my foot." "You just cant stand to see me happy, can you, Josh?" "Can you?" "Glenn, wait..." "Ah, he'll be okay." "Uh, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Mayor," "I've got to go give a test to a bunch of mouth-breathing dumbos." " Hey, I'm one of those mouth-breathing dumbos." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, can I get a ride?" "All right, you'll notice I have you facing the rear of the room." "Why?" "So you will not be able to tell when I am watching you, which will make it impossible for you to cheat." "And you may begin." "Mr. Henkel..." "The old guy's looking down my shirt." " I was not." " Then what were you doing?" "I was cheating." "I was just trying to cheat." " It's a ten-point deduction either way." "You might as well have done both." "Okay, pencils down." "We have eight minutes left." "Josh, if I don't get to the cafeteria right now, there will be a line..." "a line!" "Fine." "Where's Glenn?" "Oh, he's still pretty mad at you." "I haven't seen him this mad since you told him his Borat voice and his Dracula voice were the same voice." "He's that mad?" "Afraid so." "He'll get over it." "So have you graded my test yet?" "Not yet." "Look, could you grade mine now?" "I really need to know how I did." "If I finally pass," "I can put this failure behind me forever." "Okay, I'll grade it." "Ahh, the old red pen." "We've crushed a lot of dreams together, haven't we, old friend?" "Let's just get this over with." "Here we go." "Right, right, wrong." "Right..." "Not bad so far." "Wrong, wrong, wrong." "Wrrrrrr..." "Wrong." "Wrong, wrong, wrong, and right." "It's not how you start, it's how you finish?" "You get a... 58." "Wait, that's the same, exact score I got last time." "So it is." "Hey, come on, buddy," "I'll buy you lunch at a better restaurant." "Josh, you dick!" "Hey, my photo made the front page." " Congratulations." " Thanks." "Hey, Josh, I'm really sorry I punched you in the stomach." "It's okay." "I'm sorry about Lee Harvey Osworld." "I'll always remember where I was and what I was doing when that idea got shot down." "Guys, you know what?" "Test or no test, I was probably never gonna have the life I wanted to have." "But the life I do have right here, it's not so bad." "I got good friends, a place we can eat for free." "In a certain sense, my life could not be a bigger success." "Oh, hey, did you hear Karen Polowsky's back in town?" " She is?" " Yeah." "I got to get to the dog park!" "Should you or I tell him that she's here to be buried?" "No, let him dream for now." "Yeah."