"Andreuccio. I knew him as a boy, I knew his father too a rich man from my village he was somebody!" "Now he lives near Rome." "His son has come to buy horses." "My friend, can I buy one of your horses?" "Oh, sir!" "Who, me?" "A pretty lady wants to see you." "Gladly!" "Come, she is waiting for you." "Let's go!" "Follow me." "Andreuccio, welcome!" "The pleasure is mine!" "Andreuccio, come!" "Let's sit down." "Make yourself comfortable." "You're amazed that I welcome you kiss you and weep you'll be more amazed to know we're brother and sister!" "Pietro, your father fell in love with a rich widow during his stay in Palermo." "She sacrificed her reputation." "She gave herself to him." "From that love I was born." "Pietro left her and me to go back to Rome." "He abandoned us completely and left me as if I were worthless." "I grew up with my mother." "She was noble." "She married me off to a Guelph gentleman." "Sadly, her secret agreement with King Charles was discovered by King Frederick who chased us out of Palermo just when I was about to become a great lady." "The Guelph King came to our rescue." "He gave money to my husband, your brother-in-law!" "So thank God I have found you, brother dear!" "I'm glad to have a sister since I am all alone." "Every cloud has a silver lining." "I didn't know Papa was like that but when a man is young...." "Actually, I came here to...." "Anyway, thank you, sister dear!" "Now let's celebrate!" "Make yourself at home." "You can spend the night here." "Naples is not safe at night." "Good night, brother dear!" "Good night, sister dear!" "If you need anything, just ask the boy." "Thank you, sister dear!" "Boy, where's the...." "The toilet?" "Over there." "Help!" "I fell into the shit!" "Help!" "Open up, sister dear!" "Who's knocking?" "Andreuccio, the Sicilian lady's brother." "Good man, you're drunk, go to sleep." "Never heard of any Andreuccio!" "is this how they treat a brother in Sicily?" "At least toss down my clothes and money." "Good man, you're out of your mind." "To hell with you!" "lll-bred lout, disturbing women so late!" "People sleep at this time!" "Be gone or you'll be killed!" "Go where you belong!" "Go away!" "What do you mean, disturbing my sister?" "Be gone!" "That's the worst stench I ever smelt." "Shit!" "Who are you?" "Andreuccio, from out of town." "I came to Naples to buy horses." "I met a lady claiming to be my sister." "She invited me to supper." "I fell into her toilet and here I am!" "So they stole you blind!" "I get it!" "Thank the Madonna for losing your money!" "What?" "Because that's life!" "Thank God for falling into the shit!" "Say, "Thank God!"" "Thank you, God!" "Thank God again for bringing you here!" "You'll soon have as much money as there are stars in heaven." "We'll take pity on you!" "Listen. lf you like scams, we have one that I promise will bring you much more loot than what you lost!" "Do you agree?" "Yes, I agree." "The Archbishop of Naples died yesterday." "Minutolo was his name." "His tomb is in there." "He is richly dressed." "And moreover he's wearing a ruby worth 500 gold florins." "Be brave, lift the lid!" "Who'll get in?" "Not me!" "Me neither." "You, Andreuccio!" "Not me, I'm afraid!" "If you don't get in I swear by the Madonna I'll beat you to death." "Get in!" "Go on!" "Inside!" "How ugly you are!" "Where's the ring?" "No rings in here." "Where's the ring?" "I want to see the ring!" "No rings here!" "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure!" "No rings!" "Oh, really?" "Now screw yourself!" "Wake up!" "Are you made of stone?" "Get to work!" "I won't get in. I'm afraid!" "Are you thieves or not?" "A valuable ruby is inside!" "I'm your sacristan, so trust me!" "Why be afraid?" "Dead men don't bite!" "I'll get in!" "Once upon a time in Lombardy where the Tuscan tongue is spoken there was a convent famous for its chastity and piety." "In it, among the nuns was a young noble lady of great beauty." "Let me tell it the Neapolitan way." "Now, what happened in the convent a very good-looking nun fell in love with a handsome youth." "She let him into her cell at night." "But one night, the other nuns, they were jealous." "They found out." "They caught them right in the act!" "They went to Mother Superior." "They knocked on her door." "She was in bed with a priest." "She was so scared she mistook the priest's drawers for her veil and opened the door with them on her head!" "She went to knock on the young nun's door while the other sisters watched." "The frightened nun came out, then said:" ""So you too were having fun!" ""The priest's drawers are on your head!"" "After that, all the nuns had a good time!" "Work should feed us, not kill us." "Do you know the convent on the hill?" "I used to work there." "You can't imagine the trouble they gave me!" "It was, "Set this down, pick that up!"" "They'd take my hoe and say, "Dig there!"" "I dug and dug!" "They were all so pretty, I was beside myself!" "The sacristan says to send another gardener." "An old man." "They can't hire a young man in the convent!" "I won't send a soul, young or old!" "No one can stand it in there!" "Where can I find an old man?" "A young man is out of the question." "Because those nuns are possessed by the devil!" "It's bad for men to be surrounded by women." "I'm the bursar." "What do you want?" "Who are you?" "I don't understand." "What is it?" "Speak up!" "You can't talk!" "Are you hungry?" "Who is he?" "Dear Mother." "A poor deaf-mute." "He can't talk." "He's asking for work." "Could he stay with us?" "He could be our gardener." "Yes." "Given that he is all muscle and no brain." "Okay." "We'll take him on." "Give him some shoes and an old shirt." "Treat him well, feed him well." "And him, who is he?" "A poor deaf-mute, he can't hear or speak." "A man in our convent!" "Did you hear that sister?" "A man in our convent!" "He can't hear, but he can eat!" "He can't talk, but he can chew!" "So you are happy now?" "With the soup that we poor little nuns make?" "Can you keep a secret?" "Something has often occurred to me." "Maybe you'd like it, too." "I swear it, I won't tell anyone." "Every woman who stops here says that nothing on earth is more pleasant than what a man does with a woman." "That is why I've been thinking I'd like to try with the deaf-mute to see if what they say is true." "With him, there's no risk." "He's a simpleton." "He can't tell anyone." "What do you think?" "Don't you know, we pledged our virginity to God?" "We make God many promises we can't keep." "If we get a baby, then what?" "Why think of trouble before it comes?" "Every ailment has a remedy!" "How will we go about it?" "It's 3:00 in the afternoon." "At this time, the other nuns are all napping." "So it is the perfect timing." "We'll lead him by the hand to the hut." "I'll try it while you stand guard, and vice-versa." "Come, come with us!" "Come on now, move it." "Come." "Now get in the saddle!" "Ride me!" "Can't you understand?" "Make love to me." "It's heaven, sister!" "What they say is true!" "Go on, now you try." "I never would've guessed!" "It's really true, sister." "Now don't tell a soul!" "You and me only, every day!" "It's heaven!" "What will we do?" "Tell our Mother Superior!" "What an outrage!" "Let's hurry." "Wait, why hurry?" "Let's think it over." "Why let two alone enjoy what we all can share?" "Get in!" "Get up!" "Come here!" "Come here, obey me!" "Get on top of me." "Are you blind as well?" "Be a good boy." "You have to make love to me!" "Now show me, come on!" "Don't stop!" "What's wrong, stupid?" "Go on, you haven't finished yet!" "Get back in!" "Go on!" "One cock may satisfy ten hens but ten men can barely satisfy one woman." "I have to satisfy nine!" "Either I leave, or we figure out another way!" "What?" "I thought you were a deaf-mute!" "I came here on purpose for this job." "And what a job!" "I didn't know it was so hard!" "A miracle!" "What?" "A miracle!" "It's a miracle, sisters!" "Don't worry, we'll arrange everything so that you can stay in the convent always and satisfy us all without killing yourself!" "What's more, you'll be a saint." "God has made the gardener talk!" "A miracle!" "My love!" "Peronella!" "It's my husband!" "He'll kill me!" "See how well she locks herself in." "God be praised I have such a virtuous wife!" "Hurry up!" "I'm coming!" "I heard you!" "Get in the jar!" "My husband's insane jealousy will kill me!" "Stay in, don't move!" "Why did he have to come back so soon this morning?" "He nearly saw you come in!" "That cuckold!" "And I was almost finished!" "I'm coming!" "Back already?" "I'll kill you!" "If you don't work, how will we eat?" "I'm tired of pawning the four rags I wear!" "I sweat blood, sewing all day." "My nails all came off." "Look!" "You don't take care of us!" "All the neighbors know how much I work." "You saunter home when you should be at work." "How miserable I am!" "See what a good wife I have?" "Don't be angry, I believe you." "It's Saint Galeone's day, a holiday." "That's why I'm back." "I've got a buyer for the big jar." "Smile now, dear wife of mine." "We'll have bread for a month!" "He'll pay five denari!" "Just think, five denari!" "That's why I'm angry." "You're a man and you sell it for five." "I'm a woman, I stay at home all day and I sold it for seven to a young man just before you came home." "He's inside it looking it over." "Sorry!" "My wife sold it for seven!" "Let's go conclude the deal." "Let's thank Saint Galeone for sending you home!" "Where are you, good woman?" "I'm coming." "See what a fine jar it is?" "You offered five, my wife sold it for seven!" "Here I am!" "Who are you?" "I spoke to a woman first." "I'm her husband!" "It's in good shape, but it's dirty inside an inch of muck, not even water takes it off." "That won't stop us from selling it." "My husband will get in and scrape it clean." "Yes, of course." "Get my scraper." "Now laugh, because you made a good profit!" "The buyer is right." "The jar stinks inside!" "Scrape it clean!" "Let's do things right!" "Higher." "Lower." "You're in the right place now." "It's still dirty there." "Take your time." "We can't pass up this big deal!" "That's it!" "Keep scraping till I'm satisfied!" "Where can a person find a husband like you?" "Things aren't going well for you." "You did the best you could." "You committed many forgeries." "You killed people." "You seduced women." "You blasphemed God and all the saints." "You're even a bit queer." "To put it simply, it's time you go away for a while." "Don't you agree?" "Maybe so." "For personal reasons there's a problem I can't handle myself." "I have a large debt to collect in the north." "My debtors are so evil that perhaps only you can collect it by hook or by crook." "Are you willing?" "Of course!" "I'll give you the proper credentials." "You will be the guest of two brothers from here." "They'll treat you well for my sake, not yours." "Don't worry." "No one knows you up north." "Sounds good to me." "Goodbye, then." "And remember, don't make trouble." "Just bring back the dough!" "Ciappelletto, don't expect spaghetti." "We don't eat any." "Here, we eat the German way!" "Would you like some wine?" "Cheers!" "To those who wish us harm!" "Dear Ciappelletto, how many people will soon be miserable here?" "Why?" "With your reputation...." "Those poor debtors!" "Why?" "Do you think you're better than me?" "You leeches?" "Ghouls!" "What is he saying?" "You vermin!" "Filth!" "Usurers!" "Have you gone mad?" "Just joking." "My friend, we're all from Naples, let's stick together." "For better or for worse." "You're right." "Naples, my home...." "To leave Naples is to long for her!" "What'll we do?" "We can't send him away." "We can't put him out." "People would gossip after we received him so well." "Now that he's dying, we can't put him out." "You're right, people would criticize us." "He's no good, he has never confessed." "He has never taken communion." "People are right!" "He'll die like a dog." "If he does confess...." "I shudder to think of it!" "For sins like his, there's no confessor." "No one could absolve him!" "He'll die like a dog." "Come here." "I don't want to cause you any trouble." "I heard what you said." "It could happen as you say." "But I won't let it happen." "I have sinned so often in my life that one more sin before I die won't matter." "Go find me the most pious priest in town." "Bring him here to confess me." "I'll do the rest, don't worry." "In the name of God, will someone come?" "A man is dying." "Send us your most pious priest." "It was a lovely meal, father wine, ham, all the trimmings." "Yes, it was delicious." "He was in such good spirits, poor man." "We sang, all three of us." "Any bad luck, it's always for us." "Poor Ciappelletto, he's like Ecce Homo!" "Madonna, have pity!" "Have you been guilty of avarice?" "Don't blame me if I'm in the usurer's house." "That son of a bitch!" "To hell with you!" "I had a large inheritance." "I gave it to the poor." "Of what I earned I kept only half to live on." "The other half I gave to the poor." "Then tell me, if you would have you ever sinned with a woman?" "He's queer!" "I'm as pure as the day I was born." "God bless you!" "And the sin of gluttony?" "In thought, while fasting I had cravings for lettuce!" "Lettuce?" "These are sins of no account." "There are many sins I haven't told yet!" "Which ones?" "One day I happened to spit in the House of God!" "My son, that is nothing." "Why, we priests spit every day." "Anything else?" "There is one sin l have never confessed." "I'm so ashamed!" "What is it?" "Every time I think of it, I cry." "Oh, how I cry!" "I'm sure God will never forgive me." "There are no sins God does not forgive when a man repents as sincerely as you." "My sin is too serious." "You're kind to pretend God forgives me." "Confess it, we shall pray together." "l can't!" "Confess!" "I can't, father." "My son, make the effort!" "In the name of God!" "Promise to pray with me and I'll tell." "When I was a little boy I cursed my mother because of some milk." "My very own mother!" "He's dying and doing all this for us." "He really must be a saint!" "Your sins seem so big to you my beloved one, even if you had helped to nail Him to the Cross you're so deeply sorry that He forgives you." "What did you say, father?" "My dear mother who carried me for nine months day and night nine months in her womb!" "He remained faithful in his heart and if you wretches so much as step on a twig you offend God, the Madonna and the Heavenly Host!" "Now you may enter and honor the saint!" "Let's stop and take shelter!" "Yes, let's stop here!" "Stop!" "Hurry, run!" "I'm coming." "Who's to blame for this?" "Gennaro, did you pray for this rain?" "Well, you got it!" "God never turns me down!" "Let me introduce the Master." "The Master doesn't like being called Master." "He's a good painter from the north Giotto's best pupil." "He has come to paint Naples." "I'm very much honored." "Got anything to keep off the rain?" "We'd like to be in Naples by nightfall." "You can use these rags." "Thank you." "It's still pouring." "Have a good trip." "Master, do you think that if a stranger saw you in such a state he could imagine that you are one of our best painters?" "This way." "They're from the church that commissioned the work." "And those are nuns of the convent." "Greetings." "ln my friend's honor!" "ln your honor, too, sir." "Don't make me die of love!" "Don't make me die of love either!" "It's up to you." "Say just one word and for you, I'll save both my life and yours!" "Riccardo, you know how they watch me!" "At long last we can talk here." "If you would like to come to me at night I won't be ashamed, I'll do as you say." "Caterina, darling, the only way is you sleep on your terrace, the one above the garden." "I'll climb the wall somehow." "If you're brave enough to climb that high I'll find a way to sleep on the terrace." "The heat is awful!" "Mama, last night I couldn't sleep." "What heat?" "It's almost cool." "But you must know that girls are much warmer than older women!" "True!" "But what can we do?" "If you and Papa agree I'll put a bed on the terrace over the garden." "I'll sleep there." "In the cool open air, I'll listen to the nightingale." "I'll sleep better than in your room." "All right, I'll talk to your father." "Caterina, my darling...." "Give me my first kiss." "Afterwards." "Lie down." "Riccardo, my love." "Let's do it again." "Let's sleep a little." "Let me go see how our Caterina slept through the night with her nightingale." "Giacomina, wake up, get up." "Come look at your daughter!" "She caught the nightingale and has it in her hand!" "How can that be?" "Get up and come see." "What do you mean, my love?" "Come see for yourself." "If she's had him, he's hers." "He's a fine boy, good family, plenty of money." "We couldn't make a better match." "Our servants are armed so if he wants to live, he has to marry her and make no trouble." "He'll put his nightingale in no other cage but hers!" "Wake up, you miserable pair!" "Dear Riccardo, dear Caterina, how could you sleep together like this?" "Let's fix this problem before I call my guards." "Sir, please forgive me!" "I know I deserve to die. I did wrong." "You do what is right and honorable for you." "If you can forgive me, don't kill me." "Riccardo, you did not deserve the love we had for you and you did not repay my trust in you." "You erred because you are young." "To avoid death for you, and shame for me which only bloodshed could remove I ask you to marry Caterina." "Of course I'll marry her!" "She'll be my wife and you'll be my father and mother-in-law!" "Give me the ring." "In the name of God, I wed thee." "Now rest, instead of standing." "I'm sure you need it." "Will he ever get here?" "Those artists!" "Sorry!" "I'm very sorry." "Guys, back to work!" "On with it!" "Come on, boys!" "Stay a bit longer." "Elisabetta, I have to go, it's daylight." "Lorenzo, stay." "I wish I could." "Goodbye, Lorenzo, till tomorrow." "Hey, brothers!" "Get up!" "What's wrong?" "Our sister is sleeping with our Siciliano apprentice." "I saw her come out of her room naked." "I'll kill her!" "God damn it!" "Stop!" "What are you doing?" "Calm down!" "Have you gone mad?" "What are you doing?" "Will you quiet down?" "Enough!" "Are you sure it's true?" "Absolutely!" "Let's pretend we don't know a thing." "Anything we do today could be compromising." "Don't let on." "No one must hear of our shame." "Let's wait for our chance." "That way, no one will ever learn of our disgrace." "Enough work for today!" "Let's go for a walk, it's a fine day." "Come along, let's go." "We're going for a walk!" "Take a piss with us." "It doesn't cost a thing!" "Make room for our boy!" "Did you think we weren't human?" "You were wrong." "We're just like other men." "Don't you see?" "Look how that Lorenzo runs!" "Wait, where are you going?" "Here we come, we'll catch you!" "Wait for us!" "Can't you make it?" "Let's sit and rest a bit." "This is the coolest place on our land." "Dear Lorenzo, pay attention." "Let servants and masters be equal today!" "Wash your eyes, refresh yourself!" "Come on, jump!" "Come along!" "What are you doing?" "Let's go!" "Run, Lorenzo!" "What are you doing?" "Run that way." "Run!" "Why?" "Come on, run that way." "What's wrong?" "Sorry if I'm disturbing you." "What do you want?" "is Lorenzo back yet?" "He left three days ago." "We sent him away on business." "If you ask again, you'll get the answer you deserve." "Elisabetta, go in the house and don't come out without our permission." "Go on!" "Don't make us say it again, or else!" "You keep calling me, and you're sad because I've been gone for so long." "And with your tears, you blame me." "You know why I can never come back again." "It's because the last day you saw me, with your brothers they killed me." "They killed me and buried me out there." "So don't wait for me, and call me no more!" "I haven't been out for a long time." "Give me permission to go for a walk with the maid." "Enjoy yourself." "Go, but come back soon." "Be cheerful." "We like to see you cheerful." "I'd like to take all of you, my love, but I can't." "It's basil from Salerno, the best." "We'll sprinkle him with rose water." "Come on, let's go." "We've got a long way to go yet!" "We've come a long way together." "From market to market, just to earn a bit of bread!" "We must be close to your home the way you described it to me." "At last I can repay your hospitality, Don Gianni." "Thank you, Pietro." "Don't expect as nice a house as yours just room enough for me, Gemmata and the donkey." "But you have a pretty wife." "I do have a pretty wife, but...." "We'll manage!" "My wife and I have it arranged she's going to sleep with Zita, our neighbor." "She's glad to take her in." "You and I'll sleep in our little bed." "What's wrong?" "We're out of luck!" "What will we do?" "Zita just got married." "They're celebrating right now." "Why did she choose today to get married?" "Where'll we put our friend, the priest?" "I can't go to Zita's with her fool husband there." "Don Gianni, this is my wife, Gemmata." "Very glad to meet you!" "Christ be praised!" "Don't worry, I'll be all right." "Whenever I like I use a magic spell." "I turn my mare into a pretty girl." "I sleep with her then I change her back and use the mare for my work." "So no matter what we always stay together." "All cuckolds!" "The priest is a good friend of yours so have him show you the trick, that magic spell of his." "You'll turn me into a mare." "The mare and the donkey will carry everything." "That'll be me, transformed by the spell." "I'll be an obedient mare." "We'll earn twice as much." "At home, I'll turn into a woman again." "What do you say?" "Show us how to make my wife into a mare and back into a woman again." "I beg you in God's name." "See how poor we are." "Do it out of charity." "It'll cost you nothing!" "Do you really believe I can?" "Yes, we do." "I will show you how early tomorrow morning." "The hardest part is to pin the tail on." "Remember that no one else in the world would do what I'm doing for you." "I'm only doing it because you insist." "If you want the miracle to happen you must do exactly as I say!" "Now you, Pietro, watch me closely." "And don't forget what I tell you." "Above all, don't spoil it all." "No matter what you see or hear you mustn't say a single word." "I'll be mute as a fish!" "Pray to God for the tail to hook on right!" "Come on, Gemmata strip naked." "All naked?" "Naked as a newborn babe." "Get undressed." "Get down like a mare." "You hold this lantern." "Let this be a pretty mare's head!" "Let this be a pretty mare's hair!" "Let these be a pretty mare's arms!" "Let this be a pretty mare's flank!" "Let these be a pretty mare's breasts and let this be a pretty mare's tail!" "I don't want the tail!" "What have you done?" "I told you not to say a word!" "I don't want the tail!" "By speaking, you spoiled it all!" "Now it's no longer possible." "It's a terrible thing to die in mortal sin." "If we repent just before we die, we're saved!" "What kind of place do we go to after death?" "What do you think?" "Who knows, Meuccio?" "What'll heaven or hell be like, Tingoccio?" "Again!" "You want to see me dead, is that it?" "Who knows, I may die first." "The Lord decides." "What is it?" "Let's make a promise the one who dies first..." "All right." "Do you swear?" "l swear!" "So do I!" "I'm in mortal sin because of you!" "Me too, because of you since we're lovers, you and I." "If a woman commits a mortal sin with a man that man commits a mortal sin with that woman!" "Holy Virgin forgive us!" "What 's one sin more or less?" "Let's do it again." "You're as pale as a dead man!" "You're crazy!" "Say what you want if you keep it up like that you'll be sorry I tell you, fool that I am." "Don't you even care about your health?" "No, of course not." "I'd like to make love, too and I could any time." "But I don't, because of my salvation." "I want my soul after death to be without sin before God." "Yes, my dear." "Very often I told him so." "I said, "Two or three times, it's okay, but no more."" "He was stubborn and wouldn't listen." "Month after month, he did it five, six, seven, eight nine times a day, he never stopped!" "Poor Tingoccio!" "Look where he is now!" "Who is it?" "I promised to tell you what it's like after death." "Welcome back!" "Are you saved?" "Or are you a lost soul?" "If I was lost, how could I be here?" "That's not what I mean." "What I mean is is your soul damned to hell's fire?" "Not yet, but for the terrible sins I've committed my sentence is heavy, I suffer a great deal." "is punishment the same for all?" "No, some are burning, some are in boiling water." "Others are in ice or in shit." "Can I do anything for you on earth?" "Have masses said, and prayers." "Be charitable, that helps us a lot." "Don't worry, I'll do as you say." "I must go, it's almost dawn." "So long, take care." "Wait!" "May I ask a question?" "For all your love-making, how were you punished?" "What can I say?" "I met someone who knew every one of my sins." "I thought that for my love-making my punishment would be worse." "I was shaking with fear." "Someone asked why, and I said:" ""l'm guilty of awful sins with a woman."" "That is why I am here now." "They made fun of me, saying:" ""You fool!" "That sin doesn't count here."" "I've got to go now." "Be good." "It's not a sin!" "Here's the wine!" "Good, now we'll all get drunk!" "To your health!" "Thank you, friends!" "Good luck, Master." "Great fortune in your other projects around the city." "This good wine is the spirit of Saint Anthony!" "But I wonder." "This wine is bliss for us to piss!" "Why create a work of art when dreaming about it is so much sweeter?"