"FEELING LOW  31 (31 is slang for masturbation)" "Pound the pud, beat the meat, hand in the money... flog the log, spank the monkey, calm the kiddo down, slap the arab... have a wank, jack the willie, roll the truck, caciki... hand brake, manual control, jerk the gherkin, beat the bishop... toss off, whack off, jerk off, choke the animal, seed the eggplant... beat off, date Mrs. Palmer, use the rabbit, sharpen the axe... jerk the johnson, slap the salami... flick the bean, jack off and 31 ." "Hey, lard ass!" "What's up?" "Four eyes!" "Wake up bitch." "Been slapping the monkey around, eh?" "What the hell, who the fuck are you?" "Eros." "Call me Eros." "Fuck off!" "What is this Eros shit." "The Day Before" "Man, yours has great tits." "She's got an ass like a pin-up girl." "Why don't you go for that..." "high-school girl's uniform." "I'm giving you a hell of a mini skirt show." "I really like that track suit though." "Let's check the ass size on these." "Come on get a little closer." "Mine is Brazilian man." "No way you'll beat my ass and tits." "Look man, big ass doesn't mean great ass." "An ass should fit the your palm." "Go to hell." "It's a global fact, a law, that says you should be able... to grab an entire ass in one hand." "No way man." "The only alternative is that... diagonal Japanese snatch." "Fuck off, that shit's not for real." "Hell yes it is, I'll knock you out so you can see." "Watch me slide to the right." "Eat that!" "Want to play again?" "I want to watch the replay first..." "Yesssss." "Why can't you manage these meetings without me?" "Why can't... you take care of things on your own?" "Forget the meeting, I'm busy now." "Why can't you just have the... meeting without me there?" "She's running, there, over there, check her out." "First I saw the tits, like Haribos." "You guys are quite smooth aren't you?" "You miss everything." "Look over there, another one." "Look." "The blonde?" "She's looking right at you." "Look!" "No man it's embarrassing, don't look." "Which one, the blonde?" "You're going to look, man." "The wet orange one?" "Yeah, that one." "That was the wrong one anyways." "Ece?" "Oh my god, I don't believe it, is that you?" "How are you?" "Look how thin you are." "So... what happened with that guy you told me about, the internet guy." "Which one, the first, second, third?" "I'm so jealous." "We should hang out, when?" "What are you doing here now?" "I have to take care of something, but after that I'll call you." "I'm here with my friends." "When you're done, join us." "I can't believe it, I've missed you so much!" "Finish up, then join us in the cafe there." "Ok, I'll give you a call." "Alright, see you in a bit." "Bye-bye." "Who's that?" "My friend, why?" "Why didn't you introduce us?" "You were staring at her..." "like you were going to eat her, slobbering all over yourselves." "Maybe you'd introduce us." "I invited her, a little gift from me to you guys." "Is she coming?" "Of course she will." "Before we go we should do something to... cool you guys off a bit." "What are we going to do?" "Let's go to the cafe." "That'll be a change." "Let's go." "Come on." "My earlobes are sagging." "You are a great-looking guy, drop it." "Funny." "Did you see Lindsay's new pics online?" "These days I haven't been online much." "I don't know..." "I've been feeling low these days." "Why?" "Life's just got me down these days." "Look, both of you, you should hang out with some girls." "We do that anyway." "You guys just sit around." "This problem is us, probably." "You are handsome guys." "Well, not really handsome, but nice." "It's the ears." "Hello." "Hello" "Can I get you something?" "Ahem, I'm..." "Where have you guys been?" "Just hanging around." "Ok, take your time." "Look at you guys, you've fallen for the waitress, eh?" "Oh look, here comes Gokce." "Hi honey." "I'm Ege." "Hi, I'm Gokce." "These are the guys I was telling you about." "We've known each other since the Paris days." "You can tell." "Yeah, she's got something kind of French about her." "Have you decided yet?" "Yes, we have." "Yes, thank you." "Hey, you know what, I've got like six Chia pets now." "You're kidding." "No, really." "I used to trim them butch style" "I leave you for like two days and now you've got six Chia pets now." "Hey, what are you guys talking about?" "Yeah so I'm into art, and she's into art, just talking, you know." "She really is into art." "Which department are you in?" "Performing arts." "Like, theater?" "She's been studying her whole life." "So, you're going to be a model/actress/dancer?" "No, nothing like that." "She's interested in musicals." "You should come to my show." "That would be great, where?" "I'll send you an invitation." "Ok, sounds great." "You can leave my name at the door." "Kerem plus one guest ." "That would work." "Plus one guest sounds good." "Kerem and one, for the ticket." "Or Ege and one, we live together, it doesn't matter really." "Or it could be Kerem and one." "Or it could be Ege and one." "Or add me, then a ticket for two." "I'll do that." "Ok whatever." "Who are you sending a message to?" "I'm not sending a message." "I thought that maybe you were sending one to Him." "Him?" "You know, there must be a lucky guy." "Is it international?" "Sorry?" "The message." "International?" "No, I'm not sending a message." "Pre-paid?" "Yes, for students." "We are on a billing system." "When it first came out I signed on." "I keep up with things." "Me too." "I'm an early adopter." "Thank you." "Are you finished with your coffee?" "Yes." "Can I have another, with milk?" "Sure." "Pirated DVD guy set up here today." "He always looks a little shady." "Welcome." "How's it going?" "Welcome young lad." "As always, I've got the best films." "We want something with a story but not too much of a story." "So, what are you looking for?" "A bit of a story, a few minutes... here and there, just enough to heat it up, and then get to business." "These are what get young people ready for real life." "So, tell me... what kind of woman you like, and I'll set you up." "If you like stylish girls" "No, not that." "I can get you shoe fetish flicks, chicks in leather, you name it." "I don't care about what they like, I just want some tit, that's all." "I've got that, Biggie Titties." "Red hair?" "Got that too." "Big jugs, I like those." "I like Helen Mir." "How about some black flicks?" "Please no, you gave me one before and it gave me a complex." "We gave you a list of twenty films... to cut out all but the sex scenes, do you have it?" "Those were some weird films man, that's gonna take some time." "But I've got flicks here, all ready." "I don't want porno, just a rough cut of sex scenes of those 20 regular movies." "Old school stuff." "Yeah." "Vintage, you mean." "Vintage, that's it." "How about the video tape of the German High School prom, I asked about?" "I'm still looking for it, but for now I can offer you Big Titties." "I have a copy right here." "Ok, that's cool." "You take that one." "Ok." "Ok, that works for me." "Damn I just can't stop staring." "Man looking and seeing are different things." "Look right here." "There is big orgy going on right at this area of the DVD." "Here, right here, where 1the bands are bunched up." "What gets me horny are those conversations, that personal chat." "This is the modern age of porno." "Have you ever taken a DVD from my personal collection?" "Everybody watches the same shit." "Taking someone else's porn..." "Is like wanking to your friend's wife." "I never touched your personal collection, why would I." "Like I don't even share bookmarked videos I watch, I don't share DVDs." "I see what you mean, but even if you don't share it... lots of people, pardon my French, are coming all over this stuff." "I don't let it go to waste, I save it up, and get... even more horny." "Look, porn helps us control ourselves." "Otherwise you'll just jump for anything." "Sex and masturbation both have their own merits." "A rolling stone gathers no moss, right?" "Thanks for the tips, pal." "Anytime, buddy." "Take care ok." "So true." "Lard ass!" "What's up?" "Wake up, four-eyes!" "What's going on here?" "Been slapping the monkey around, eh?" "What the hell, who the hell are you?" "Eros." "Call me Eros." "Fuck off!" "What the fuck is this Eros shit." "You see me, dork?" "Need your glasses?" "What are you doing, huh?" "What the hell, this is our house, I'm sleeping, stick it up your ass." "How did you get in here?" "Shut the hell up." "What is this crap... about she's mine, she's yours, lying to each other about your imaginary scores all the time as if you are doing it all the time... then you ask me who I am?" "What did you do..." "before you went to bed?" "I slapped the salami." "You slapped the salami, you say?" "Back in the day, it was called masturbation, fucko." "Where are you from?" "Wank, whack, jerk, it all means the same." "That belongs to me." "You take something of mine, use it... for 25 years with nothing but own hand, and have the nerve... to ask me who I am?" "How many girls have you been with, huh?" "Well, none yet, by choice though." "I'm picky." "There was Ayse." "And Nil." "Well, it just hasn't happened, to tell you the truth." "There was Tugce." "Tugce is your mother's name, idiot!" "Open your eyes to what's happening here." "You have... one week." "One week, to... find a girl and get her in bed." "Otherwise..." "Next time, I won't come here with a squirtgun." "Got it?" "You got it?" "You want this?" "Huh?" "No, you don't." "DAY 1" "After these strange events our idiotic couple had no idea... how much trouble they were in." "The fact that they had never... had sex at their age would bring a world of trouble... to the breakfast nook that morning." "Why don't you just blow it straight in my mouth." "I'm going to go check on my Chia heads." "What do I care." "Go knit something, ass pirate." "Peek-a-boo." "What's up man?" "What are you clicking around at, click there." "Still haven't come to, have we." "What are you looking at there?" "Are you talking to me?" "Yes." "I was just passing by." "What do you want from me man?" "What can I do to make you see... the gravity of the situation here?" "What are you trying to prove here?" "Why are you so concerned about what my dick does?" "Look, you've been jerking your pud for 25 years and then spout off... to me about all the girls you've done, that's my problem." "What's it to you man, this is my private life." "No such thing as a private life, my friend, you have something..." "I gave you, bequeathed to you, and you are using it." "What have you done for me today?" "I jacked off." "You've been doing that for 25 years." "Yes, and all for you." "But now, you will venture forth, and screw!" "If you could explain more clearly just what you want, I'll do my best... to help you out." "But I'm a bit shaken up by all this." "Look, in one week, you will find a girl, and get her in the sack." "It's that simple." "A small reward for 25 years of service." "Please." "Ok man." "Ok." "Bring it out here, and from here." "Wrap this end, pull here and loop." "Well, well, well, well..." "What are you doing?" "Hm?" "What are you up to?" "What's that?" "Honestly what the hell is that? Knitting." "It's - a hobby." "That's just great." "Has anyone ever told you that?" "No, they just say to finish it up and get it done." "What of it?" "So, did that sappy knitting song from the 90s get you inspired?" "That's verging on an insult." "You'll never get a girl that way." "You still don't see the gravity of the situation, do you." "Knitting just won't do." "Look, there's nothing else to say." "Just go out there and get a girl." "Get out there, find one." "Hey man, how's it going?" "Not bad." "I've got new films." "I copied another one for you." "Want it?" "Actually I wanted to ask you about something else today." "Tell me, what's on your mind." "I don't know if I can talk about it." "Hey, we've been friends for ages." "Yeah but I'm a bit embarrassed." "Open up to me." "What's up." "I've decided, in order to have... better sex, I'm going to go... to the whorehouse." "So, you're not going to buy any more movies, is that it?" "No no, I'm going to buy them." "In that case go on ahead." "Buy movies and then go." "I'll get the movie on the way back." "Tell me what do I do when I get there?" "Look my man, take this, and when you get there put it on." "They'll show you how." "You ever been there before?" "No, never." "First time." "Ok, show that to the girl." "Should I say it's my first?" "Why not, they'll help you out." "Will they be understanding?" "Make sure you wear that." "Good luck." "Could you show me a thing or two?" "No, not here, but they'll help you." "Look I'm pretty embarrassed here, could you just show me something?" "Ok come here." "This is it, it's going to happen!" "Hey, hey!" "What are you up to?" "Hello." "Nothing." "Don't give me your nothings." "You can't do it for money." "I was just thinking that even if I paid money, it would be the same." "When one pays the due, he deserves to do the things he pays the due for." "Right?" "You have one week to pay the real due." "Can't I just pay, do it and be done?" "No way." "I was so excited." "That just won't do." "Let me pay for it just this once." "Just this once." "Come here." "Go home now." "Hi, I, uh, hello, I would like to utilize your, um, services." "Yes, it's just me." "So, how does this work?" "Yes, cash." "That's great." "Thank you, thank you so much." "My address, do you have a pen?" "Well, well, well, well." "It doesn't work this way." "You have to convince a girl, and do her." "Or, would you like some of this? I didn't think so." "Hello?" "Hello?" "How's it going?" "Not bad, you?" "Alright." "What are you up to?" "Chilling in bed, reading." "Good." "Umm." "I was going to say, why don't you come over, but you're in bed..." "I wouldn't want to impose." "Are you crazy, I'm all tucked in, there's no way I'm going to get up... and go all the way over there." "No, you're right." "I wouldn't either if I were in your shoes." "Ok, so I'll get back to my book." "Oh wait, hold on a second." "Hello?" "Ece, how's it going?" "Good." "Me too." "Why don't you come over?" "No way." "We'll have a drink." "Watch TV, chat." "I'll be home in half an hour." "No." "Please." "Just the other day we were saying we needed to talk." "I really need to talk to you about the things I said I would talk to you about." "It's urgent." "Ok, fine." "Ok." "See you soon." "Hello?" "Yes?" "Ok I'll see you in a bit." "Ok bye." "You've got to leave right away." "This is my big night." "No stalling, off we go." "Well, good to see you too Ege." "You too." "Look, just do this, for me." "I'm asking nicely." "Hands off." "Please, we've been living together for years." "I just want one night... alone at home, for personal stuff." "You won't get anywhere talking like that." "Talking like what?" "It's just aggression building up." "No, I have things to do." "What the fuck, come on." "Screw the laundry, please." "I'm folding the laundry." "Enough!" "Sit down, let's talk this over like adults." "Man, you're so hard to talk to like an adult." "Why won't you just let me have this?" "I've got some personal business." "Yeah well so do I." "How personal could it be." "Believe me, very." "So, is there a Chia pet convention?" "This is the biggest possible day of my entire life." "Just give me a fucking break." "Remember when we were kids, how we used to go sledding?" "Look, Ece is coming, and I really need to clean the house." "Could you... just please leave?" "Actually, you need to leave." "There is a surprise, Ece's coming." "I'm going to clean up." "Ece is coming for me, so you need to leave." "I'll clean." "Leave, won't you just leave?" "Ece." "Gokce." "Come on in." "Here, have a seat." "I'll take that." "Can I take your purse?" "Here, just hand it to me." "That's kind of you." "My pleasure." "I'm glad you came." "Me too." "Are you guys ok?" "We're okay." "Does one of you have a cold?" "There are tissues all over the place." "Well we were a bit under the weather, but I think we're through it now." "I felt like I was coming down with something, so I went home..." "So, what's the matter?" "You guys called all in a panic I was worried." "Are you sick?" "A little probably." "You poor thing." "Don't touch me, you know I hate it." "Did you wash your hands?" "Of course I did." "Why are you so out of breath?" "Before you guys came over... we were taking care of some things, you know, organizing a little." "Do you like Bruce Lee?" "I was going to ask that." "I bought it because it was a cool serigraph." "Are you familiar with serigraphy?" "My life is serigraphy." "So, where are you from?" "We talked about that already." "I forgot." "I'm from Istanbul." "Don't mind him, his memory is a bit jacked." "It's nothing... to do with you, don't worry." "It's clear from the way he looks." "He's got a bug up his ass today." "Doesn't he?" "We've been friends forever." "We grew up in the same neighborhood." "We love her so much." "So much." "I'd like to get to know you better also." "You're scaring her, can't you see?" "I just want to get to know her." "What the hell's your problem, how could you say that?" "I got started smoothly with a Bruce Lee topic." "let's not get into that now in front of our guests." "So, should we watch a movie?" "Sure, a romantic comedy?" "Sure, that's what I usually watch." "Do you like them?" "Sure." "What did you last watch?" "What was it... "You've Got Mail," with Meg Ryan." "It's kind of old." "You look Russian, did you know that?" "That's what people say." "Be careful, people might think you mean a Russian prostitute." "Don't mind him." "Oh, you have Sol and Fa." "As if you've never seen it." "I was just thinking, it could also be a T and J. Some things I just... pick up on, totally new things I hadn't noticed before." "Would you like something to drink?" "You are sick, I could... make you a green tea, that would help you feel better." "Sure." "Thanks." "I'll have tea too." "I'll have a whisky." "Get it yourself." "Just a moment, I'll be back." "Are we going to stay long?" "I don't know." "They normally..." "aren't like this, I don't know what's gotten into them." "So, what have you guys been up to today?" "I think I threw my back out." "There is something off about you today." "Do you think you guys might give me a massage?" "I'm not good at that kind of thing, you know that, I'm allergic." "You're really sweaty." "What do you mean, I'm sweaty?" "You stink." "What do you mean, I smell fresh as a baby's bottom." "Hey when you guys were in the kitchen, Zeynep and Oyku called." "They're having a birthday party, so we're going to head out." "They invited us to join in." "Ok, we'll come too." "It's a private girls' party." "Aw come on." "Some of my university friends are getting together." "They called... and I couldn't say no." "I'll catch up with you guys later." "So..." "I'm really sorry." "So you just came to set off some sparks and then leave?" "I'm sorry, it all just happened so quickly." "It was great to see you... and we had a nice time." "See you guys." "We'll get our things." "I'm going to borrow a movie, I'll bring it back." "See you." "Wait, that's a porno." "DAY 2" "We need to talk, Ege." "This just isn't working out." "I want you to know the problem is me, not you." "Maybe I just need some alone time." "Ok so yesterday wasn't the best, i aggree but the way you take such a decision so rashly scares me." "I don't want it to get worse." "Clean the rim, rats piss on the tops of cans." "So what are we going to do?" "A little distance." "Give it some time." "We've been together for so long, what good is this going to do?" "I don't know, but something has got to change." "You really believe that?" "I feel that way." "Ok, well, let's give it a try." "Hey Kerem." "How's it going?" "We're hanging in there." "Haven't seen you around lately." "I've been taking care of... some big business." "Have a seat." "Ege." "Hey what's up?" "Not much, you?" "I'm doing all right." "Here, sit here." "Slide on over here." "Over there?" "Move over there my man." "You've never shaved me there." "Kerem and I had a bit of a falling out." "I'm going to be spending a bit of time with some girls... so I want to stand out, you know." "I have a pretty face I think." "Let's try to put more emphasis on the face, give it some shine." "It's like, he's gotten full of himself." "Well not exactly, but you know... he's a logical guy but these days he's acting strange, he's not really... acting himself these days." "Something's just not right." "I put myself in your hands." "I'll just lightly rub this in." "It's not going to do anything... weird, right?" "I mean, it's safe, right?" "This is Paris, only the best." "So, why the facial mask today?" "Man there are all these girls." "It's... not just one specific girl I want to get." "Let's call it an idea of a girl." "He's a good guy." "He was just here, going on about his girl situation." "Keep this between you and me, but to tell you the truth... there aren't any girls." "Really." "Really" "I'm going to hit the bars, you know, get out on the town a bit... that's why I need to stand out, get their attention" "I was wondering, are you married?" "Yes." "So, how does it feel to have sex for free?" "So are you going to rub up your crotch against my arm today." "I quit doing that you know." "I'm married now." "So, do you think that there is really a certain mofo style look?" "Mofo?" "Do you think I could do one?" "Let's have a look." "I've got a nice face." "Squint a little." "That'll do." "Yeah it will, won't it." "You've got a touch of Asian in your eyes." "A Keanu Reeves thing in you." "How is it?" "Take a look." "Wow." "Is that really me?" "May it be a blessed night of partying." "Good luck." "We'll see you around." "So how much do I owe you?" "Just pay whatever you can." "I don't have any cash on me now but I'll bring it by later, ok?" "Ok." "Take care, we'll see you later." "Is it okay if I just pay next time?" "Ok." "Sure, you're no stranger." "See you later." "I have to go." "But you were great, really fantastic." "Luscious." "I think we made damn fools of ourselves." "Yep, we probably did." "Just look at the town." "How could we treat each other this way when the ship over there keeps floating?" "I can't grasp the logic in it." "How could us not talking be a good thing?" "Pull yourself together." "Stop crying like a little girl, for the love of God." "Come on man, chin up." "What's got you so down?" "Do you remember the breakfast we had the other day?" "The night before that..." "I dreamt about Eros." "He's given me a deadline." "A week?" "He came to me too." "It's ridiculous." "What, have sex with a girl within a week or I cut off your johnson." "What the fuck." "Actually, I've seen him a few times since then." "I've seen that son of a bitch too." "I'm sorry but why the hell... is this fairy boy so hot on the trails of our junk?" "Now I'm sure that this twit is real." "What kind of warped fuck is he?" "I know he's real too." "What's up with his way of beating around... something to say, just out and say it like a man, but with tact." "So do we have golden cocks or what?" "Exactly, that's just what I mean." "There is a legend about this guy, passed down the generations... a story about a guy named Ali Yorgo, I think it was." "I've heard of him." "His was made of gold." "My grandma's friends told the story." "I bet it worried her, too." "His was pure gold, they said." "It's just our fate, I guess." "Fuck man, Golden Dick should have... his schlong lopped off, not us." "Definitely." "There is something that we really need to do now." "Found a Cock Union?" "No, not a Cock Union." "We're going to get Eros by the balls." "That fairy thinks... that we won't be able to do it." "That's why he set the limit." "But no, we're going beat him." "We can do this." "Starting tonight... we're going to show him." "Let's go to the stairway, that's where... the girls go to hang out and drink." "Something will come up for sure." "We are like blood brothers, man." "The best of the best." "My best friend." "One more time." "Make it smack." "Yes." "DAY 3" "Hey get up." "Where were you?" "Where were you?" "What do you mean?" "We're here." "What's going on, why didn't you come to the chess club?" "We totally forgot, forgive us." "Have a seat." "This place is filthy." "What are you doing here?" "This is the hot make out spot of Istanbul." "Look, Esra brought this." "This is a spot where they come with their own drink." "You're girl-prowling, huh?" "In a way." "This is our modus operandi:" "we wait for them to come to us." "Our cool remains untarnished." "We just sit tight and stay cool and they come to us." "Like a club for the lost." "We act depressed and stuff." "So they pick up on your despair and then reach out, huh?" "We call out to the mother instinct." "Tell me, have you ever landed a girl by playing chess?" "Chess is not about girls." "I play because I love chess." "Are we going to chill here in the middle of all this junk?" "." "You're mixing up night play and day play." "This place is bohemian at night, it looks totally different." "The lights on the Bosphorus take your breath away." "It so romantic, just look at that." "You take a narrow view of things." "Like horse blinders." "I'm just saying, you guys have really changed, something... is going on with you two." "We've always been like this." "Maybe you need to change." "What do you mean, man." "This place is filthy, and there aren't any girls... coming around, come on let's go." "We're done, now it's pleasure time." "What?" "This?" "He just doesn't get it." "That's why he's the way he is." "Get up." "You passed out, now it's time to go." "Give me your hand." "Come on, let's go." "I don't know man." "It's my turn, right?" "Yep, go." "Does "prick" have a "c" in it?" "You can't use a word like that." "That's like vernacular, it's valid." "Depends on how you pronounce it." "You can only use it if it's in the dictionary." "Prick sounds too rude for the dictionary." "We should just open the dictionary and see if prick is in there." "What kind of dictionary puts prick in?" "It'll be in slang dictionaries." "You're being such a spoilsport." "It's probably something you picked up at the chess club." "Look online, check the dictionary." "Hang on a second." "Hey, come here." "Look, the same thing happened to this guy, it's all written here." "He saved himself somehow, here check this out." "It doesn't explain anything at all." "Physiologically it crapped out." "Physiology?" "Some kind of astral thing?" "Who the hell is this guy?" "He's known as 23 Taner." "Who the fuck is 23 Taner?" "Don't you know 23 Taner?" "Who the hell is that man?" "He plays the guitar at the Caciki Club." "The guy shreds." "What is this, he was in a competition?" "Can we find this guy?" "He plays every Thursday." "Can we find him right away?" "He lives in a building not far... from here, just over there." "He's a local here." "Explain where it is." "Let's go, why bother explaining?" "Turn right, third street on the left." "Let's go man." "Be sharp, we need to catch this guy." "I don't know, I'm feeling down." "Come on, snap to." "What are you doing, beating yourself up?" "Look..." "He's coming out." "Hey, how's it going?" "Hi there." "We're big fans of yours." "That's great." "We just want to talk please" "We need to talk about Eros, that's all." "We're not fucking with you or anything." "Just 30 minutes, then you can go your way." "We found your blog." "Alright, come over here." "First of all, I just want you to know that the biggest moments in our lives... our first loves, first girlfriends, all firsts, happened with your music." "That's why you are so important to us." "I just wanted you to know." "And, we've got a problem." "That's what I want to turn to now." "We have just kind of fallen into your life like this." "When we googled the 7-day rule, your site was the first to come up." "Our first thought was, how can we get a hold of this guy?" "I hope you're not upset?" "No, it's fine." "We've been listening to you for years, well I mean as long as... you've been playing, maybe 3 years." "Look, I ran into the same trouble." "It could happen to anyone." "So... don't feel like you've been singled out or anything." "We don't know how we're going to get ourselves out of this." "Now... we're just going in circles." "He has laid down the law, as prescription and there is... nothing to do but fulfill the terms." "What do you mean by prescription?" "This is our duty, then." "It's a duty with a very clear obligations and results." "It's not like we haven't tried... to get out, it's not like we haven't asked where to go." "But it just... hasn't worked out, and there's a chance we may not succeed." "Of course there's that possibility." "You can't escape fate." "Everything is possible in life." "And that could well happen to you." "For example, you may be... thinking that you are here, now." "But suppose we're not." "Could you clarify that a little?" "What the fuck." "Which frequency are you using for the remote?" "The plane is... doing some weird things." "I'm using a long, narrow band." "As soon as you touch it... it shoots up in the air almost 25 centimeters." "I have a thick one." "It never gives up half way through." "DAY 4" "Ok so let's go over our list." "Ok." "Drink in hand." "Check." "Done." "Girl beside you?" "That works." "Bring Ece." "Talkative?" "Pretty much ok." "We can talk." "Hair gel?" "Wait, let me get the door." "Oops no gel, I wrote that wrong." "Just a minute, hang on." "We don't use gel anyways." "Hello." "Hi, how are you?" "Fine." "Come on in." "Do you remember me?" "We've passed on the stairs." "I live downstairs." "So, how's it going?" "Just fine." "I make puddings when I get bored." "That's great, cool." "You went to a lot of trouble." "Would you like to try it..." "Sometimes, I can't get it right." "If you insist, sure I'll try it." "I insist." "Ok then." "Yummy." "With mastic, my favorite." "Thank you." "Another?" "Why not." "It's really good." "You have a friend here, right?" "Yes, but he's out right now." "Oh really." "Thanks again, it was very good." "You're welcome." "I'll come to bring the plate." "I mean..." "I'll come when I'm done." "With this." "I'll bring the container." "Ok." "Ok, see you later." "Who was that?" "Nevermind." "It's the doorman." "What's that?" "Pudding." "Want to try?" "Fuck off." "Where were we?" "Social?" "That's you." "And you." "Fun company?" "Are we fun?" "Can we have fun?" "We're probably not the night partying type." "Get a few drinks down, we're fine." "Ok so that links to 'Drink in Hand.'" "I wanted to say" "Sneakers?" "We also wear those." "Yes we do." "Ok so there seems to be 1,2,3... 4,5,6,7,8 rules to getting laid." "But one of those is dance." "We can't even do the chicken dance." "That's what we need." "So, what should we do about this?" "Ok, you can have a bite." "Fuck you." "Ok." "So there are two ways." "Find a teacher and get lessons at home." "We don't have the money for a private teacher." "Yeah but a group class would be a disaster." "Look, since we don't have the money, there's no choice." "We have to go to a group class." "It'll help us pull our courage up." "We've got to start somewhere, and that'll help us." "Ok." "Tomorrow, will you go online and find a dance course." "I can do it right now." "Ok." "Then we can go right away." "In that case I'll do it tomorrow." "Check it out and let's go then." "Sure." "Ok so get on it." "Hi, can I help you?" "Hi." "We're here for dance lessons." "Sure." "We have classes, but... what is your level?" "We only have intermediate and advanced." "Expert." "Expert?" "Yes." "Are you sure?" "We've got some of our own moves." "I don't know about here but" "We only have modern and contemporary dance lessons... and only intermediate and advanced." "If you don't have the... core skills, you can't join in." "We want to learn how to dance well at night clubs." "Then you're at the wrong place." "Club dancing is what it's all about." "It emerged from club culture." "We don't need to debate that." "You're at the wrong place." "No need to argue, that's the truth." "We just want to learn a few steps." "Sir, I am trying to tell you that we don't offer any courses like that." "Could we just take a look, there's no harm there." "Please?" "Ok fine, come in." "But be warned, I am not responsible if you get hurt." "What could happen?" "Ok come in." "My back is fucked." "Look, a girl." "Hello." "Hi." "I'm Kerem." "I'm Pelin." "I'm Ege." "Hi Ege." "Nice to meet you." "How are you?" "Miss?" "Good." "Are you here for the class?" "Not really." "We come to dance." "I can tell by your clothes." "Club dance." "Today is my first day." "That's great." "It's a lifestyle for us." "I'm glad I came, but because I just started, I am really sore." "I'm feeling pretty rough." "I can tell by your body." "Yeah, I know." "You'll see, it'll trim up soon." "Do you come often?" "No, this is my first day." "That's why we haven't met before." "I hope you'll keep coming." "I certainly will." "Great." "That's great, isn't it?" "Yes it's great." "Well don't let us keep you." "I need to go, but it was nice meeting you two." "So, what days do you come?" "See you later." "I'm going to try to come at least three days a week." "Bye." "See you." "Let's do something." "What?" "Take a shower?" "Pelin!" "Hi." "Hop in, I'll give you a ride." "Where are you going?" "Home." "If it's not far I'll take you." "No, it's close, right up there." "I hope it's no trouble?" "Are you crazy?" "It's no problem." "You have a beautiful car." "Thanks." "So, what do you do?" "We, are in the planning stages." "I have some ideas we're working on." "Working on some personal projects." "And you?" "I don't work now." "Well I wouldn't say I don't work, as I have a lot... of charity projects that keep me busy." "That's cool." "Our holding is very active in some areas such as kids health..." "We like kids things too." "I'd like to get more involved." "Homeless kids are an important part of my life." "You drive really well." "Thanks." "And you dance well too." "Aren't you guys sweet." "Thanks." "Let me say, the sweetness that you have on the inside... really shows through on the outside." "Thank you." "I'm going straight here." "Pelin, could I ask a small favor?" "When we meet next, could you... bring me the tights you danced in?" "Sure but I don't wear them outside." "I just want them." "As a souvenir." "The pink ones?" "Yes." "Well, the color doesn't matter." "Sure, I'll bring them." "If you could, without washing them." "We really should hang out again." "I'm serious." "I don't have many friends." "Someone like you?" "That's really hard to believe." "My father gets angry, he doesn't let me meet many new people." "If I had a daughter like you, I would do the same thing." "You guys are so much fun." "She's an angel, isn't she." "I don't know if that's the right word, but I don't think there is a right word for her kind of beauty." "Really I can't believe I met two such nice guys at the dance studio." "How is your private life?" "It's really busy." "Really busy?" "Yes, so many activities." "Every night I have to go somewhere." "We also get around quite a bit ourselves." "Where do you guys go?" "Usually where intellectuals hang out." "Where all the hippies go you know." "So, how she we do this?" "Should... we get your phone number, or find you on Facebook?" "I don't use Facebook, I'll just give you guys my number now." "How?" "Do you have pen and paper?" "I'll just save it on my phone." "On my phone, my phone, on it." "My phone." "You ready?" "Ready." "But make sure you call." "If you are around here, call, ok?" "We'll message you at night so we can meet up." "We'll hang out somewhere." "Can I send you late-night messages?" "No, you'd better not." "But we... could meet at a cafe or something." "What's late for you, 1AM, 2AM?" "I go to bed early." "Maybe like on a rainy night, when we're feeling emotional, you know." "You guys are so sweet." "You forgot to give us your number, sweetness." "Ok here I go: 0532" "Yes" "12 12." "If you could drop us off over there it'll be easier for you to get out." "Ok that would be great, really." "It was so nice meeting you." "Give me a call, okay?" "OK see you later." "See you, take care." "You should call her right way." "Last time, we didn't call... and the girls were swept off." "What am I going to say?" "I want to get to know you." "I want to get to know you." "It's short, but intimate." "Intimate." "It's a gem." "A gem." "Ok." "I'm dialing." "Call her." "It's ringing." "No answer." "I'm hanging up now." "Damn you, don't hang up!" "It rang five times." "The rule says seven times." "No, five." "Actually, it's four." "Your way of seeing the world is" "If we call again, it'll be too much, won't it." "I don't know, she probably wouldn't answer the call." "I was thinking, we just met today." "Yes and she is beautiful." "I think she was impressed by us." "I think so too." "But people who... are into us, we aren't into." "And, people we are into, don't reciprocate." "Dance, dance, dance." "The vertical expression of our horizontal desires." "These two young men have taken their dance moves public." "But if you lose yourself... like a belly dancer to the dance... you will find yourself sitting across... from the bartender at seven o'clock in the morning." "What's up Monchichis." "Give me the damage report." "We're fine, but life is kind of grinding us down a bit." "Like what?" "We drank." "And so?" "When we drink, we are left... all alone with our problems." "Meaning?" "That's personal." "Personal." "Like that." "You're saying it didn't work out." "Precisely." "We got a problem recently." "But before, things were better." "These days it's like everything is just dull and monotonous." "Dull huh?" "There's no feeling." "No texture to life." "No texture?" "I have all the answers." "That's why we came to you." "We'd heard about you." "Ok then." "There are three crucial things in life." "LOVE" "I said LOVE." "What are the other two?" "Love and love." "The love pill." "Love pill?" "The love and courage pill." "Take it, you will thank me later." "Does it have side effects?" "Many wonderful side effects." "Wow." "Magic touch." "Magic touch, black magic." "Take it." "Let's drink to that." "You don't have a drink." "Did you know that I am the owner of a large firm?" "Really?" "Yes." "Wow." "Sometimes I get really stressed." "I came in here in my socks, but" "It doesn't matter, because soon enough you'll be taking them off." "That's what you say." "Are you okay?" "I'm fine.How are you." "It seems like you are... a little nervous about something." "No, this is how I usually am." "Really." "Ok, drink up." "Shall we start with the socks?" "That's your call." "I'm going to the bedroom." "What the hell is this?" "Man, I'm through talking to you." "DAY 5" "Hello?" "Hi Pelin, how are you?" "No, you didn't wake me up." "I've been up a while." "I went jogging, had a shower, and was working out." "Just like every morning." "Sure, I'll meet you there in 30." "Ok." "Bye bye." "Good morning." "Morning." "What gives?" "Just going out." "Where to?" "I'm going to meet up with friends." "You sure?" "I'm meeting Pelin." "Dance studio girl." "If you want, come along." "What's that?" "Looks like a tissue I threw out." "That's what you think." "What are those?" "The pills." "Oh shit." "Yeah." "You saying that today is the day?" "Precisely." "Before we meet up with Pelin." "Ok, let's do it." "You never ask why I'm in Istanbul." "Where should I be?" "You were away, in Monaco." "There was a yacht show but... a meeting came up, I couldn't... get out of it." "You should have gone." "I was going to fly tonight but... there's no flight, what can I do?" "The private jet is the only solution." "That's just over the top." "I've got to, it's the only way." "I'd never get on one." "After all... these years, nobody has ever... gotten me to board a small plane." "I will." "I'll take you on a helicopter over the Grand Canyon." "Hi guys, it's good to see you." "Ege, Kerem, hang on a second." "Ege." "I'm Cem, nice to meet you." "How are you?" "We recently met." "Sit down." "These guys are great." "What's your name?" "We were just having a chat." "Is he from work?" "No, we've been really close... friends for years." "I'll take that." "So what have you guys been up to?" "Good." "I've been really into trees... these days, you know." "Trees are so pretty." "This place is really cute." "You are even cuter." "Thanks." "Pelin brought me here, this is also my first time." "I love it." "We also love you." "You guys are so sweet." "Hi." "Hi." "What is there, let's see." "Are you going to order anything?" "Sure, why not." "Are you guys okay?" "I'll have water." "It's in front of you dear." "I want more." "I'll bring it out." "Dear deer." "What's with you guys today?" "We went jogging and got energized" "We really like you." "And me, likewise you." "These guys are precious." "Shall we hit a club?" "Where?" "Let's go to a club." "Ok we'll go there." "Hang on, let's order." "Let's go to a club sometime." "Sure why not." "We could go there, or to Poseidon in Bebek." "Doesn't matter, either's fine." "Poseidon is a bit thick for us, but... we'd go for you, Pelin." "Thick?" "Meaty." "I'll have a macchiato, light froth." "Water, water, water, water, water." "Here's the water." "Shall I have the tortellini?" "You guys are really too much." "Do you think that living really is necessary?" "Really, are you guys ok?" "When I met them, they weren't like this at all." "I'll do it too." "I'll do it too." "Wait, I'll open that for you." "Can I help?" "Give that to me." "Do you remember the Silk Road?" "There was this music." "Hang on a second, we love you." "Ege, why are you doing this." "You are really embarrassing me." "Come on." "I have some work to take care of, I should really get going." "And you need to come with me." "Is this new?" "Don't be so pushy." "Pelin, don't go." "I'd like to stay, but" "No, it's not new." "Can it hold two SIM cards?" "No, just one." "Regular iPhone." "I'm going to be really upset." "Let's do something." "Is she's leaving?" "Yes." "Just hang on a second." "Cem." "We really have something to do." "But one night we'll go to a club." "We'll... go partying together." "That's enough!" "Just hang on." "Easy does it." "I'll just scoot past here." "The driver is waiting." "I'll just squeeze by." "Wait my flower." "I have a meeting." "Wait, don't go yet." "Wait, wait, hang on." "Don't go, I'm begging." "Look I'm on my knees." "Ok guys, enough." "I'm going to take you guys on a boat tour." "Just let us go now." "Don't go, few more minutes." "I don't know you, but your tits are just lovely." "I don't know you, but your ass looks great in those pants." "I don't know you, but your jugs really turn me on." "I don't know you but if I get the chance, I'd like to meet you... right away." "I don't know you, but your tits are just lovely." "I don't know you, but your ass looks great in those pants." "I don't know you, but your jugs really turn me on." "I don't know you but if I get the chance, I'd like to meet you... right away." "Hey guys I have something really special for you." "I love you man." "Look, you've never seen 3D like this before." "Give that to me." "How many dimensions?" "Three." "Put on the glasses." "Try them on, here." "Put these on." "I don't know you, but your tits are just lovely." "I don't know you but if I get the chance, I'd like to meet you... right away." "DAY 6" "Good morning dude." "It really is a fine morning." "Do you realize... just what a wonderful world we live in?" "Awareness... is not just a concept." "It's a way of seeing." "I think awareness is an insect." "A caterpillar." "A banana." "A quince peel." "A banana." "Banana." "Yeah a banana." "Banana." "Awareness really is a banana." "This has been here for years, and we refused to hear it." "We may not have been able to." "But finally we have." "Shambali" "Are you ready to explore your inner self?" "The means to... merge with the cosmos, to delve into the cosmic is at your doorstep." "Shambali is calling you to a positive world, affordable... bulk energy transfer prices and meditation designed just for you." "Shambali" "Shambali, the first stop on the journey of the spirit." "This could be the sign man." "I was just thinking the same." "You said it, I was thinking it." "Let's go." "Hi, welcome." "Hello." "Come in please." "Please sit wherever looks comfortable." "Ok, I'll sit here then." "Nice rug." "Whatever brought you here today must be something extraordinary." "I think it's something quite normal." "Need is like that, isn't it." "We are..." "men of freedom." "We recently experienced a kind of illumination... but you know more about that than us." "I don't want to exaggerate, but at that illuminating moment... we heard your ad and decided that we should learn more about this." "That's why we're here." "We all deserve our freedom but unfortunately societal pressure... takes it away." "You are in the right place to be purified." "The journey... from here will take you to entirely new dimensions." "Wow" "That sounds so nice." "When you leave here, you will be entirely different people, so... get ready for this new journey." "Actually there is something that we were wondering about: free sex." "We believe in free sex, and support it." "We claim happiness through freedom." "That which shows us the true path is free sex." "The end of the true path... and the means to be purified from taboo is free sex." "Perfect." "You are in the right place." "We've been wandering around wasting our time till now." "But your journey brought you here." "I'm sure we will do this today." "Close your eyes, and give yourselves to my voice." "Close your eyes." "Go inward and stop seeing with your eyes." "Feel the world beneath you." "Strike your roots deep into the earth, and stretch... high into the heavens." "Truly imagine it." "Don't be afraid, let what's inside out." "Truly imagine this." "Now tell me what do you truly have in your mind." "You can tell me." "Titties." "Don't be afraid." "Let it all out." "I feel it." "They are coming." "Yes, they are coming!" "Go on." "Legs." "Flesh." "Chicken." "Thighs." "Breasts." "Pussy." "Ass." "Pussy." "Shaped like a melon." "Melon, juicy melon." "Just a second." "Tits, ass, pussy, balls." "What's going on?" "Pussy." "Snap out of it." "This is a holy place." "Tits, ass, pussy, ball" "What the hell is happening?" "Snap out of it." "This place is sacred." "We were just getting into medi" "What kind of unconscious mind have you guys got?" "You guys... are perverts, beasts, asses!" "Why, what's wrong." "Isn't this a happy ending place." "Who the hell sent you guys here, I can't believe it." "It's the end of the road." "Come, step by step." "Even if I didn't take... your cock away, nobody else wants it anyways." "Man I'm having in a deep emotional state here." "Screw your emotions, that guy is going to snip off our gear." "We have a day left." "Look at it this way." "Say the guy does cut off our stuff." "Afterwards... is he gonna be responsible for us?" "What do you mean?" "After the snip, we'll be different people." "He'll have to find us work, food, a wife." "What the hell are you talking about." "Is this social security?" "He'll just lop off the pud and fuck off." "That's a hell of a concept." "My only idea is that there are those strap-on dildos." "It's a matter of feeling, not just of having a schlong." "In the end it's about giving and receiving satisfaction." "I can do that." "Those strap-ons come with motors too, I think." "May be hard to explain to your partner at first." "And you're not going to get any pleasure from that." "Who the fuck is texting me?" "Dude" "Hang on a second, the sun is so beautiful, just take it in." "Fuck the sun, we may have a hope here." "I just got a message from Ece." "She says that she's upset and wants to come over." "Man I know she's going to come over, sit for a while and leave." "As she is... always making fun of us." "Since I've been trying to save my dick I started to see some things in life clearly." "You are always thinking in the box." "What the hell, she has been coming to our place for years, and hasn't... given anything back." "Every time my glance slips down to her... boobs she closes her shirt, what is that about." "Ok, you're right too, but we need to think clearly here." "Look, isn't she our friend?" "Rain or shine?" "When has she ever been there for us on a bad day, fuck it." "Sure... on good days she wants to go out and party, and have I ever said..." "Hey I want to fuck you?" "You don't want to fuck her?" "No." "I'll fuck her good and hard." "She's feeling down and wants to come over." "You say we shouldn't... fuck her and let that fucker cut our dicks off and fuck off." "I say we should just text her and give it a chance." "Will you write:" "You wanna fuck?" "I don't know, what should I say?" "That we're feeling low too... or something like, Are you ready?" "You're the SMS guy, you tell me." "I've got it:" "At home." "Come." "No, say, We're at home, come." "That makes it sound more serious." "And there's the Come joke." "Are you sure that's ok?" "Of course." "Ok, so:" "We're ready." "And you?" "Is that right?" "Like this:" "We're at home." "Come." "We're ready." "And you?" "Then, We're ready." "And you?" "Put a dot and a space after it." "With a lower-case A on the And." "Are the rules so strict?" "It's the most important thing... about writing a text message." "We're at home." "Come." "We're ready. and you?" "Then, a colon, and a P." "That's the tongue." "I'm thinking this message is going to fuck up our chance to fuck today." "What was at the end?" "And you." "With a colon and a P." "What about the question mark?" "No question mark." "Colon and P." "Ok." "Colon and a :" "P." "That's important." "Symbols are really hard to make on this phone." "Send it." "This time we're not leaving anything to chance." "She's going to... get sex-starved drunk." "Why aren't they sex-drunk for us?" "I can't figure that out, why... the hell don't they jump on us?" "Focus." "That freak is about to cut off of dicks and fuck off." "That's not it, I'm speaking philosophically." "And anyways... he's going to make off with our wankers anyways." "That's a done deal." "She answered." "She says, I'm ready." "She even put a smiley face." "This is it, man, this is it!" "Hang on, I'm getting nervous." "Let's go get some liquor." "Do you have your wallet on you?" "I forgot mine at home." "Hopefully this is our day." "Look, there's a dog coming." "That dog is doing a whole lot more fucking than us, I can tell." "Just look at him." "Yeah but he fucks everything, even his mom." "Fucker, fuck off." "Don't they have an Eros for dogs?" "Hey, he doesn't have a dick." "Let's not get stuck here talking about the dog's dick." "Let's go get some liquor." "Ok man let's go get some hard booze." "That's enough for you now." "Pour it from my glass, it has more." "Just wait a second." "Whose turn is it?" "Yours." "You are going to ask me." "Oh ok." "So, have you ever kissed a man?" "Yes." "What, did you think I am a prude?" "Drink up then." "Both of you are doing shots then." "Shots for everyone!" "You can have one too." "It's your turn." "This time I'm going to ask." "Have you ever kissed a man?" "Of course not." "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure." "I'll drink for that one." "I'm not drinking to that." "Hang on a second, hang on." "I'm going to pour the drinks." "Don't we have any shot glasses?" "There are those bartenders, they" "Bartenders line up the glasses, and then pour over the top, and... they all fill up equally." "He gets a punishment shot." "He couldn't answer the question." "He should have kissed a guy." "Hey don't grab!" "Is that my glass?" "I can't drink from someone else's." "When did you drink that?" "Ok ok that's enough." "I'll spin." "Ok you spin." "What kind of spin is that?" "Ok so it's my turn." "You ask me." "As if I don't know everything." "Truth or dare?" "Dare." "Kiss him." "I'll give you a kiss then, ok?" "Cheers mate." "I'm spinning this time." "It's going to come to you." "Yes!" "Truth or dare?" "Truth." "I'm going to ask." "You are waiting for me." "So, when was the last time... you had sex?" "I'll answer for him." "He doesn't remember because he was not there." "Tell us the first, and the most recent." "We want to know all, we want to..." "know you better." "Of course I've had sex." "Was there a woman?" "There was a woman." "Let's drink to that." "Paper please." "DAY 7" "Hello to all of you out there, this is 103.8 the Dinamo... wishing you a pleasant afternoon." "It is currently 3:02, and on your... trip back home from work we will keep on playing all your... favorite songs." "And for all of those just now starting off your day, for all those... night owls just waking up, we have your favorite tunes coming right up." "We are keeping the tunes rolling for all of you late workers out there... and you too can also win a compilation album, packed... with all your favorite dance tracks to keep you going." "Just log in... and send us your address to win our latest compilation album." "Now, it is question and answer time." "Who can answer this simple question." "Can one escape fate?" "Our competition has now begun... and as the minutes tick by, you might find yourself winning." "But then again, you might lose." "Truly, can a person outwit destiny?" "Don't cut here, keep rolling." "Hi there, my name is Ali." "I feel the need to explain just why we decided to make this film." "That is my apartment over there." "One day while sitting at home... a film crew was shooting a scene for a full-length film right here... on this street." "There was a woman, like her, waiting for a taxi here." "They had artificial rain, and a film crew of about 50 or 60." "It took them about 14 hours of take after take to get the shot." "All the while the fake rain was going, the lights were on, the... cameras were rolling and the whole scene consists of a girl calling a cab." "I was tearing out my hair watching this excruciating process, 14 hours... to shoot a single scene." "I called on a friend of mine and said..." "They took 14 damn hours to shoot a single scene, we could... shoot a whole fucking film in the same amount of time." "Once we had made the claim, well, we had to stick by it." "Ok so let's keep shooting here." "Could you hail the cab now?" "Taxi!" "Perfect." "Here we go, get in the cab." "Ok, cut cut." "Nicely done guys." "Driver, could you take us to the main square near Tünel?" "Would Tünel be crowded enough?" "It's the most packed place at this time of the day." "We can probably hide there." "There's nothing we can do." "It's over." "Eunuch Village Taxi Company" "Last night I dreamt of you," "And nobody saw." "Secretly we made love in paradise," "Nobody asked." "There is nothing to fear," "Everything is fine." "Beautiful things are never lost," "They are all in your mind." "Last night I dreamt of you," "And nobody heard." "We are done with each other at last." "Finally, without causing any strife." "There is nothing to fear," "Everything is fine." "Beautiful things are never lost," "They are all in your mind." "Translated by Mark Wyers"