"(upbeat march plays)" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶" "¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶" "¶ And he's shining a salute to the American race ¶" "¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "¶ Good..." "¶ Good morning, USA" "Aah!" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "(brakes squeak)" "(door opens)" "Stan, what are you doing home?" "It's only 4:00." "They all went bowling." "Who did?" "Bullock and his Inner Circle." "Well, why don't you ask to be in the Inner Circle?" "I did." "Sir?" "(wind whistling)" "Smith, what are you doing here?" "Can I be in the Inner Circle?" "No!" "And shut the door." "Taxpayers are paying top dollar for this wind." "All the agents in the Inner Circle were flying like birds, Francine, and I was just standing there on the ground, like a stupid mammal." "Well, I don't think you're a mammal." "Morning, guys." "Morning?" "You better be talking about former Charlotte Hornet Alonzo Mourning, because it's 4:00 in the afternoon." "You can't possibly just be getting up." "Whatevs." "Mom, hands, eggs, make." "You, hold it right there." "You, make your own eggs." "You, stay beautiful." "I don't know how to make eggs." "Mom always makes my breakfast." "Oh, my God." "You can't make food, you sleep all day, you barely form complete sentences." "What are you talking me at?" "You have no survival skills." "Oh, don't be so overdramatic." "Someday, we are gonna die, Francine." "You sooner than me, probably, with all that string cheese you eat, but we're both gonna go, and when we do, this girl right here is not qualified to be anything other than a stripper or a crack whore" "or a-a..." "Oh, I was sure there was a third." "Uh, stripper, crack whore, grocery bagger?" "No, no, that's a noble profession." "I have plenty of survival skills." "The prove it." "Effective immediately, you are gonna start paying rent around here, young lady." "How am I supposed to afford that?" "You've got survival skills; figure it out." "Go be something other than a stripper or a crack whore or a-a... or a..." "Oh, God, that is so annoying." "Uh, stay-at-home mom." "It was right in front of me the whole time." "(rock music playing)" "Thanks for the bartending job, Roger." "My dad is insisting I pay rent." "I don't blame him." "Somebody's got to pay for all this neon, and it's not gonna be me." "All my money goes to experimental VD treatments." "Anyway, now that you're a bartender, people are gonna share a lot of things with you, and the better listener you are, the better tips you'll get." "Except for Carlos." "He's gonna offer you a tip." "You don't want that tip." "That tip is connected to his body." "KLAUS:" "I am so excited to share Das Boot with you." "This is the greatest German movie of all time." "If you don't count the Hindenburg footage." "(speaking German)" "(chuckles)" "What's so funny?" "They're just eating dinner." "It's a reference to Das Kleines Madchen und Der Zwergenhafter." "The Little Girl and the Little Person?" "No idea." "What?" "You don't know the famous German fairy tale" "The Little Girl and the Little Person?" "You can't fully appreciate this movie without knowing this story." "(clears throat)" "Once upon a time, there was a little girl with hair as golden as sauerkraut." "Das Madchen was taking her beloved schnauzer for a walk one day, when she came upon a little person toiling in the fields." "STEVE:" "Why am I the little girl?" "SNOT:" "And why am I the little person?" "KLAUS:" "Because German kinder do what they're told!" "Now shut up and listen!" "Suddenly, the little person saw an eagle soaring overhead." "Achtung, an eagle." "The little girl cowered, since we all know what natural sworn enemies schnauzers and eagles are." "STEVE:" "Wait, why schnauzers and eagles be natural sworn enemies?" "What?" "!" "You don't know the story of the schnauzer who stole the eagle's worm?" "Well, now I have to tell you that story first, because you can't get the other story without knowing this story." "(inhales sharply)" "Once upon a time..." "SNOT:" "Oh, God." "Stan, I know you want Hayley to learn to take care of herself, but is Roger's bar the healthiest environment for her?" "Will you go up there and see if she's okay?" "Spy on Hayley?" "Sure." "It's been years since I've gone undercover." "Let me refresh myself on my special skills." "(Jamaican accent):" "Oye, dis'll be as easy as rolling a spliff in Kingston Town, mon." "¶" "(rock music playing)" "How do you do that, man?" "(lips smacking)" "Good Lord, Francine is right." "I can't let Hayley work here." "BULLOCK:" "Want to know what I really think?" "Agents don't have any style anymore." "If some agent today were to have the sense of élan to walk into my office wearing a pocket square, what I wouldn't do for that man." "Maybe even let him into the Inner Circle?" "I'll have another." "And pour one for yourself." "Sorry, on the clock." "Ah, but I insist." "Okay, why not?" "(sighs)" "Don't get too drunk, Avery." "I know you're a guy with a lot of secrets, and, you know, loose lips." "You're my bartender." "If I can't share with you, who can I?" "I might even tell you my favorite animal." "I'll give you a hint." "Meow." "Francine, what the hell is a pocket square?" "What?" "It's a decorative kerchief." "Who cares?" "How was the bar?" "Is Hayley gonna be okay working up there?" "Huh?" "Oh, oh, great bar." "Great bar, classy bar." "(gunshots, screaming)" "ROGER:" "Free drinks for everyone who saw him threaten me." "Great bar." "All right, pocket square, time to work your magic." "This is Rihanna." "This is Katy Perry." "This is Selena Gomez." "All right, that completes today's hotties." "Smith, this meeting doesn't concern you." "If we need..." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to use a harsh tone there." "Would you step into my office, please?" "We're not to be disturbed." "Unless you see something funny on YouTube." "Smith, I had no idea you rock it in the pocket." "Feast your eyes." "(beeps)" "(gasps)" "You like pocket squares, too?" "I do." "In fact, the first time I wore one," "I was at Buzz Aldrin's bachelor party." "Oh, you're not in the Inner Circle, but keep up the good work." "Sir, come quick." "Some frat boys put sunglasses on a bulldog, and he's walking around to "Bad to the Bone."" "AGENT:" "They're pulling him in a wagon now!" "(giggles)" "Hayley?" "Hey, button-nose, time to get up." "Got to get ready for work." "(groans) Not feeling so good." "So, listen, I couldn't help but notice that Bullock was in the bar last night." "Any fun stories or anything?" "Dad, I can't tell you that." "Bartender's code." "Oh, no, no, of course." "You don't need to tell me about codes." "Morse, da Vinci, I follow them all." "Now get up." "Important people need to unload their secrets on you." "But I'm-I'm just so hungover." "Bullock's there every night, and he always insists that I drink with him." "Oh, maybe I should just get a different job." "What?" "Oh, no, no, no." "Come on now, that's where you're working." "Now, let's not have any silly talk of you quitting that job." "Quitting is for Realtors before they become Realtors." "I'll leave you with that." "(birds twittering, bird squawks)" "KLAUS:" "And so the Frog King said to the Burgermeister..." "STEVE:" "At long last, Herr Frederick, what gift have you brought for me?" "SNOT:" "The only gift I have, mein King, is the gift of Liebenspiel." "(frogs croaking) KLAUS:" "The end." "SNOT:" "I know I'm gonna regret this, but what exactly is Liebenspiel?" "What?" "!" "You don't know the meaning of Liebenspiel?" "Stop asking questions!" "We've been listening to these stupid stories forever." "I can't take another day off school." "(indistinct crowd chatter)" "Hey, button-nose." "Now, don't worry." "I'm not gonna ask you to break the bartender's code." "I just thought I'd bring you some flowers to show how proud I am of you." "(mic feedback squeals) Don't water these." "Aw, thank you." "That's very thoughtful of you." "Hayley, are you drunk?" "Hey, I'm just doing what you told me to do." "I'm doing my job." "Well, maybe your mother's right." "Maybe this isn't the healthiest environment for you." "You should quit." "BULLOCK:" "Hello." "(gasps)" "But you're clearly too legit to quit." "Hey, hey!" "Barkeep, line them up." "BULLOCK (slurring):" "Hayley, did I ever tell you about the time I murdered the entire Bolshoi ballet?" "It was also the weekend I discovered Crocs." "¶" "¶" "¶" "And now I'd like to welcome the newest member of our Inner Circle," "Stan Smith." "That means you're out, Quackenbush." "Well, we got the chair right." "There's just the small matter of the ceiling." "Hayley?" "I knew this was a mistake." "Hayley, get up!" "(slurring):" "I am showing Dad I'm responsible." "When did I eat vomit?" "Hayley, you have a problem!" "Oh, you want to go, bitch?" "Let's go!" "Ooh, shiny!" "Hey, that's my badass Stingray!" "Hayley, are you okay?" "!" "Lucky she's drunk." "When you're drunk, your body goes limp so you don't get hurt when you fall." "Really?" "Oh, yeah, that's how Gary Busey did all his own stunts." "(tires squeal)" "Hayley, stop!" "Please come back!" "(tires squeal)" "Nice..." "Nice..." "(steam hissing)" "(slurring):" "My bumper car's not working." "Lucky you were drunk." "When you're drunk, your body goes limp and you don't get hurt when you crash." "Really?" "Yeah, that's how I did my stunts." "Hey, you stepped in something, Quackenbush!" "(all laugh)" "(phone rings)" "Hello?" "FRANCINE:" "Stan, Hayley's in rehab." "Hayley's in rehab?" "!" "Hold on." "I'm in the Inner Circle," "Hayley's out of the house." "There's no downside." "Wait-- whose car did she crash?" "Roger's." "Great, bye." "Rehab, eh?" "Hey, we'd like to rent Das Boot." "Whoa!" "That's so weird." "Some orange dude just came in here and rented our last two copies." "Klaus!" "We just wanted to watch the movie without having to listen to all your Germanic folktales." "Yes, you two always try to take the easy way out." "Just like the story of Die Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick." "What's that story?" "What?" "!" "Stoner video clerk, you don't know the story of" "Die Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick?" "!" "(both groan)" "Bro." "Bro, bro, bro, bro... are you Nemo?" "People are looking for you, bro." "Attention, Inner Circle." "Hayley Smith has just entered rehab." "This is her." "She has classified intel." "I have no idea how she obtained it, but as part of her treatment, she'll no doubt be forced to open up to a bunch of loose-lipped drunks." "Therefore, she must be eliminated." "(gasps)" "Oh, right, Smith." "Still not used to you being in the Inner Circle." "(chuckles)" "Of course we won't be killing your daughter." "Just a little joke there." "But seriously, could you leave the room?" "Uh... sure." "No problem." "I was joking about joking." "The killing of Hayley Smith is very much on." "I'll tell you what else is still on... our afternoon pants trading." "Gentlemen?" "Can I get your underpants, too?" "Mine are... kinda gross." "I need to see my daughter!" "I'm sorry, sir," "I'm afraid it's patients only beyond this point." "Oh, what am I talking about?" "I don't have a daughter." "I'm drunk!" "I need help!" "There's no way I should be behind the wheel!" "Listen to how I'm slurring my words." "Sir, that's not convincing at all." "I'm telling you, I'm a menace!" "Argh!" "Sir, now you're just doing a pirate." "Damn it!" "(tires screech)" "(steam hissing)" "(growls)" "That's it!" "Now get in there, ya drunk son of a bitch!" "Hey, aren't you The Most Interesting Man in the World?" "What are you doing here?" "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I drink to excess." "Dad?" "Hayley?" "Oh, my God!" "I just remembered why I'm here!" "Oh, good." "Then perhaps you could share it with the rest of us." "Dr. Penguin?" "What are you doing here?" "I run this group." "I've had my own issues with substance abuse, and the cash I make from this gig helps me to continue to have them." "So..." "Stan, why are you here?" "Because my daughter knows all these secrets about the CIA, and they're sending people to have her killed!" "What?" "!" "That's right!" "We have to get you out of here!" "Stan, look at me." "Why are you here?" "I just told you!" "Stan..." "why are you here?" "Because I'm no good." "I pushed my daughter to become a drunk just so I could get ahead at work." "And I didn't even prepare her for life." "She can't even take care of herself!" "I'm a terrible father!" "(sobs)" "There we go." "Dad, that's not true." "You're a great father." "Oh, you're just saying that because you're so stupid." "(sobbing)" "See, people?" "We're all about breaking down walls here." "(explosion)" "Go, go, go!" "No, stop, stop, stop!" "Tell me, friend, how did breaking down that wall make you feel?" "Sir, I don't have time for..." "(sobs):" "If only I could have broken down the wall between me and my ex," "I might still see my kids!" "(sobbing)" "Oh, God." "They call Ron "Dad"." "This is good." "This is healthy." "I'm creating a connection." "And a diversion." "Run, you idiot!" "¶" "This way!" "Hayley, what did you do?" "We have nowhere to go!" "Yes, we do." "We're gonna drink this, and then we're gonna jump off the roof, but we're gonna be fine, because our bodies'll go limp." "This is a terrible idea." "Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!" "(slurring):" "This was, this was a great idea!" "I know, right?" "!" "Ooh, grab-grab that cab." "(engine starts)" "Hey, so what's the craziest thing you ever... has ever happened in this cab?" "So-so how many hours did...?" "Sir?" "How many, how long ago when your shift...?" "(tires squeal)" "Did the cabbie survive?" "No." "The damn fool was driving sober!" "We gotta find a place to hide!" "We-we need a parade." "When-when's Chinese New Year?" "Or we could just go in that Dumpster." "STAN:" "Mmm, do you smell that?" "Oh, my God, this must be the Dumpster for a pancake house." "Mmm." "How good are these?" "So... good." "Oh, my God, I had..." "My friend went to Vegas once, and he said that he has found, he found a place with, that has, like, the best pancakes." "Hey, it's the guys from your office!" "Oh, right!" "Leave it!" "We don't have time!" "You know what's crazy?" "This already happened for people in Europe." "(tires squeal)" "We're trapped!" "I'm really scared." "See, this is why you should never eat lobsters." "Why?" "'Cause-'cause they get, they get caught in a trap." "I'm sorry it had to come to this, Smith." "All right, Hayley, where do you want it?" "In the face." "Yeah!" "But before you do this, you might be interested to know that I wrote down all those dirty little secrets that you told me at the bar:" "the Nepal slaughter, the Copenhagen incident, the nuclear war in Chicago." "We can't let that get out!" "It's all in a manila envelope with strict instructions that if anything happens to me, it will be released to every major newspaper in America!" "So?" "And to the Internet." "(gasps)" "Well played, young Smith." "As for you, old Smith, you're out of the Inner Circle." "Please forget the Wi-Fi password." "That was amazing!" "Hayley, do you realize what this means?" "It means you can  take care of yourself!" "You're gonna be just fine after all!" "I told you!" "Ah, button-nose." "You ready to go home?" "You bet." "(loud crash, car alarm walls)" "Hi, I'm Nicholas Vanderbilt, the actor who plays Stan Smith." "(Australian accent):" "And I'm Kate Fagan, aka Hayley." "You know, we've had some fun tonight suggesting drunken people are less likely to be injured in falls and crashes." "The dark reality is that alcohol makes each of these far more likely... and deadly." "So, please, if you're going to crash a car or jump off a building, do it sober." "Hang in there." "You are loved and you are special." "Good night." "(boys sobbing)" "That was amazing!" "And so much more meaningful with all the cultural references." "I told you." "There's only one thing I don't understand." "Why were they all fighting in the first place?" "Yeah." "What-what was that all about?" "What?" "!" "You don't know why the Americans and Germans were fighting in World War II?" "!" "Nobody knows." "Bye!" "Have a beautiful time."