"Now that I was dating Ryan Shay," "I found myself spending an unnatural amount of time with his biggest fan..." "Sheila." "Give it to me, son!" "Give it to me." "Come on, I can take it!" "I want it!" "Come on." "Bring it to mama!" "I'm gonna give it to her." "Are you ready to watch me give it to my mom?" "Net!" "Damn it!" "Focus, Ryan!" "Focus!" "Come on, baby!" "Focus on delivering your balls right to mama!" "Focus on delivering the balls right here!" "Focus, Ryan!" "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Aah!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Yes!" "In your face!" "Yes!" "Whoo!" "Chest me!" "Chest me!" "What?" "What?" "Oh, my!" "Ow!" "Ryan, I need some ice." "I need some ice." "I think I sprained my wrist!" " Whoo!" " I think I sprained my wrist." "Tessa, while Lisa's in the bathroom, can we do a little girl-on-girl?" "I mean, it... depends." "I want your take on the Lisa of it all." "What does that mean?" "By now, we all expected her to come to her senses and reconcile with Malik." "Malik was the whole package... chocolate-brown eyes, personable demeanor, supple, dewy skin, which, as you know, won't crack." "Yeah..." "I..." "I don't think she's getting back together with Malik." "Let's be honest." "The boys aren't exactly lining up outside our door to meet her." "And there's a very strong genetic predisposition towards spinsterhood in the Shay family." "Is it okay if I get ribs?" "Yeah." "Whatever you want, tiger." "Lisa has needs, Tessa, and we need to find someone who's gonna meet them." "I don't know." "I mean, when Lisa and Malik first started dating, they actually tried to set me up, and I really resented it." "How do you even know that Lisa wants us to..." "I want you to." "I can't chase balls forever, Tessa." "I don't have the knees for it." "Okay, what is this urgent sit-down about?" "Okay, you know how Yakult has been super depressed since Noah Werner stole our dog Walker Ashanti?" "Dallas, I really don't wanna be in the middle of this feud between you and Noah." "Yakult is suicidal, George." "That dog Walker and her were besties." "Okay." "Have... have you tried buying Yakult a new squeaky toy?" "A new squeaky toy?" "George, she's questioning her purpose on planet earth." "A new squeaky toy or an $8 milk-bone is not gonna cut it." "So..." "I called in a professional." "A professional?" " Yani." " Yoni." "What... what's that?" "Yoni." "Ah." "Right." "Forgive me." "I will forgive you when I hear you say it correctly." ""Yoni." Your lips... they must purse ever so slightly to make this sound..." ""Yoni."" "Like you're giving a kiss to a lover you thought was gone." "Now suddenly... he's back." "Yoni." "Yoni." "Yoni." "Okay, you can stop." "I'm never saying your name again." "George." "Yoni's agreed to heal Yakult's energy and bring her back from the dark pit of despair." "And for this, he has to be shirtless?" "Oh, jealousy..." "On top of insecurity, on top of..." "Painful gases from the heavy breakfast." "Wrong." "I had fruit." "So..." "What are you looking for in a man, primarily?" "Limbs." "I mean, I'd like it if he had four, but I'd certainly be okay with three." "Or two." "I mean, I guess if he was armless, we couldn't hold hands, but..." "Yeah, I would consider dating a torso." ""Must... have..." "Torso."" "Anything else?" "No." "Lisa, you're selling yourself short." "I had a dream last night, Tessa..." "And it was sobering." "The year was 2037." "Uh, it said "year 2037" at the bottom of your dream?" "Yes." "Fred and Sheila were gone." "Long gone." "Dead and buried." "But I was still living at home..." "In my old room full of cats." "Okay, you know what?" "I'm gonna stop..." "I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?" "That's ridiculous." "I don't need a man, okay?" "I have my scooter, and I have you, Inky..." "Sassafras..." "Sir Mix-A-Lot, Cat Stevens," "Kat Corbett, Kathmandu," "Cream Cheese Rangoon, Mr. Whiskers," "Feline-Za Minnelli, Mew-Paul, Patches..." "Jeff Garlin." "You named one of your cats "Jeff Garlin"?" "I named one of my cats "Cream Cheese Rangoon."" "Anyway, I'm sure you can see why the dream was upsetting." "So please, Tessa, I need your help." "I do not wanna die alone in a bed full of animal dander." "Just don't set me up with any weirdos, okay?" "O... kay." "You want me to put Yakult in a cage like some kind of circus freak?" "Dallas, it's not a cage, it's a crate." "And the guy at the pet store said anxious dogs find crates soothing." "So your plan is to sentence this doggie to prison?" "On what grounds, George?" "Third-degree cuteness?" "Look, you can leave the door unlocked so she can come and go as she pleases." "Oh, my goodness." "I wish you could feel" " how hard her heart is beating right now." " Really?" "Okay." "You see, Yakult might be stressed because this house is too big, and she feels responsible for securing it, whereas in her..." "Filthy prison cell?" "George, I can't!" "Set her free!" "Dallas, can we just try this, please?" "He doesn't even have a Morgan Freeman to Shawshank her!" "I beg you!" "Attica!" "I thought you were interested in making Yakult less anxious." " I know how to make her less anxious." " Oh." "Keep away you." "I'm sorry, but that was a real... fragmented sentence." "Keep away who?" "This man." "This George." "Come on." "Dallas..." "His negative energy is upsetting Yakult." "She doesn't even look at him as a leader... or even handsome." "Come here, Yakult." "Oh, my gosh." "Y'all, she's shaking like a leaf." "She can't be around all this bickering." "Perhaps... one of us should leave." "Yes." "Yes." "Perhaps one of us should leave." "Okay, we'll see you later, George." "Really?" "Me?" "Well, Yoni's on the clock." "Right." "Okay." "Good luck." "Uh... well, George, I..." "You know, I gotta..." "I gotta be honest here, Dallas." "If the shoe was on the other foot," "I think you'd be flippin' out right now." "Nonsense." "You had your ex-wife stay over at your place on Thanksgiving, and I didn't bat an eye." " That was for Tessa." " This is for Yakult." "Yoni's just staying here until my puppy's chi is back to chingy." "George, I want you to trust me." "It's not you I don't trust." "It's him." "No more wheat for you." "She's like a terrorist... in your colon." "Mmm." "Mm." "You are the flower, Jill Warner." "You are the flower." "You must hydrate if you want your bud... to open." "Ohh." "Oh, my." "Oh." " Did he just open your bud?" " Ohh." "Unreal." "I've been trying to get her bud open since college." "Mmm." "She's never expressed any interest in bud play." "Okay, excuse me, Yoni." "Oh." "His aura sting my eyes, like too many shampoo bubbles." "Seriously, when he comes near me," " I feel..." "I cry." " You know what?" "You may have fooled Dallas and... and Noah and Jill, and possibly Yakult, but sooner or later, the people of this town are gonna see you for what you actually are." "You're right." "What?" "What?" "Yeah." "For a second, I forgot which town I lived in." "Come to me... and look into my eyes." "So a lot of people are finding love online nowadays." "Perverts, hoarders, deviants." "Yes, but also nice people looking for companionship, like Lisa." "Tessa, I'm gonna stop you." "I want us to find a suitor for Lisa the old-fashioned way... in our dining room." "So... what makes you think you'd be a good fit for this position?" "We... well, I'm..." "I'm reliable." "Uh, I mow the Biedermans' lawn every weekend." "Uh, plus I dispose of my own trimmings, which a lot of guys don't do." "Jeff." "Did you lure this child here under false pretenses?" "Reggie, what if I told you that the lawn I wanted you to mow was, in fact, my 16-year-old daughter?" "Well, w... would that be a paying job?" "Because I..." "I thought..." "I thought I was here about a paying job." "Yeah." "There is a small stipend." " Oh, okay." " What?" "You can't do that." "You can't pay somebody to date Lisa." "Well, it's either that or cousin Tate." "Who I know firsthand is from a good family." "No." "Lisa can't date one of her cousins." "I shouldn't have to tell you that." "Oh, Tessa." "Plenty of respectable cousin couples have found love together." "Look at the Giulianis." "It's a "no."" "You know, it's the taboo that makes it thrilling." "Right?" "Yeah." " Release." " Meanwhile, Yoni was one sage leaf closer to getting what he wanted from the Royces." "Let go of all your negative energy." "You must." "One of my spiritual teachers taught me this." "Was it Yoda?" "Oh, my gosh." "Look at Yakult." "She's sound asleep." "You calmed her, Yoni." "Well, it wasn't so much the work of Yoni as it was the absence of George." "Every since you banned him from your home and agreed to not let him... wax your walrus, the dog has found peace." "Well, we typically don't refer to it as my walrus." "And I don't recall banning George from my home." "You do or you do not want the dog to make the full recovery?" "I do." "Then get her a dish with spring water, for when she wakes... she will be thirsty." "Are you my new daddy?" "No." "Well, certainly not yet." "But you're trying to be?" "You know, it's... less about me being your daddy and more about the other guy not being your daddy." "Also I'd like the use of your guest house for another four to six weeks." "I'm in between places, and my credit is... you know... iffy." "Hey, Lisa." "I want you to know I'm working on the man sitch, but your parents aren't really making it easy." "You know what?" "That's..." "that's okay, Tessa." "I'm good to go." "Good to go?" "Uh, I've..." "I've found someone." "Please tell me it isn't your cousin Tate." "Ooh!" "What's the haps, sweet cheeks?" "I got some giant sour gumballs" " that turn your teeth crazy colors." " You interested?" "Oh, I'm interested." "I'm real interested." "Take a picture, red." "It'll last longer." " Lisa Marie Shay." " Yes?" " This kid is in middle school." " Taking ninth grade math." "Boom." "He... he makes me laugh, Tessa." "He makes me laugh, and he brings me sour stuff, and... when I'm with him, I just feel..." "Prepubescent?" "You know I'm your boyfriend's math tutor, right?" "Ho ho ho." "Double boom." "I don't care if he is Ryan's math tutor, there's no one weirder online than A.J." "After sifting through a bunch of responses from ren faire guys," "I pulled Lisa's photo, and decided to fly blind." "I didn't want to much importance on looks, or guys who only cared about looks." "I wanted more for Lisa." "Tessa, I hate when people put half-empty milk cards back in the fridge without saying anything." "To me it doesn't look half-empty." "It looks half-full." "Oh..." "I..." "I see." "So... you think I'm negative too, huh?" "I'm just saying there's plenty of milk." "Yeah, but because I don't think there's plenty of milk," "I'm..." "I'm a bad person, an undesirable partner, is that it?" " Are you ok?" " No!" "No, apparently I'm not ok." "Apparently I'm negative, and dark and moody." "Quoting the man that's shacking up with my girlfriend." " Dallas is shacking up with..." " Yoni!" " He's back." " Yani is back?" "!" "No." "No, not Yani." "Yoni." "Yoni." "Yo... ni." "To say his name you must purse your lips as if you were giving a kiss to someone I'm in a relationship with." "Yoni." " Yoni." " Ok." "Wow." "Dad, take it from me." "The dating scene is pretty dry right now." "So... unless you want to engage in some 16th-century role-play and joust for your maiden, I suggest you quit moping." "Oh." "And, father, if you can't outsmart..." "Yoni, well, then perhaps you are not my father at all." "Fine." "I'll reclaim my wench... and get some more milk." "Okay, seven bites of meat before you make a beeline for desert." "You hear me, mister?" "I'm about to make a beeline for something else." "How 'bout a kiss, dollface?" "Okay, don't get fresh." "Lisa, I need to talk to you." " What?" " Alone." "Oh... okay." "Just... just one second there." "What is this all about?" "It's about finding you a man who can cut his own meat." "Look." "Tessa, did you place a personal ad for me on the world wide web?" "Yes, Lisa, I did." "And I got a response from a guy who sounds pretty great." "Listen." ""Let's hold hands, not devices."" "He has hands?" "Or do you think he's just lying to sound good?" "No, I think he has hands." "What?" "I can't believe A.J. would defy me and go straight for desert." "No way he had seven bites of meat." "No way." "Okay." "I'm in." "But you and Ryan have to come." "Just..." "Okay, great." "Double date." "Sounds fun." "Okay." "Just... will you excuse me?" "I have to put somebody in a time-out." "Anthony James, how many times have we had this conversation?" "Food is a privilege." "Sometimes, instead of walking away from a problem, you have to do the opposite and take it for a walk." "Not a word." "Daddy Altman?" "Are you abducting our dog?" "What?" "No." "No." "No, I was, uh, I was just gonna take her for a walk." "Uh... wanna come with?" "And I guess I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around why a loving God would ask Abraham or whatever to sacrifice his, like, precious son." "I mean, what kind of power trip must he have been on?" "And also if I do go down this route," "I totally got jerked on the whole bat mitzvah thing." "And in closing, kugel..." "Why?" "Well, those... those are all good questions." "Thank you." "Ex... except the last one." "Man, it's so great to hear what's going on inside your head." "Yeah." "And also, I'm failing science." "While George continued uncovering the mystery that was Dalia," "I was selling Lisa on the merits of her mystery date." " Okay, so listen to this." " Yeah?" "Every morning at dawn, he writes a poem." "And every evening at sunset, he burns it." "Why?" "Because the poem only belonged to the day." "Wow." "I mean, talking about holding yourself to a high standard." "No, I know." "That's what it's all about, right?" " Totally." " Yeah." "Oh, and I..." "I..." "I brought a copy of his favorite book so we could discuss it at dinner." "I'm only six chapters through, but so far, it's really good." "Great." "Um, so I guess" "I'll just listen to you guys while you talk about it, or..." "Crap." "I totally should have had you read it." "It's okay." "I guess just 'cause we've been e-mailing back and forth," "I kind of got sucked in." "Are you falling for my Internet boyfriend before I've had a chance to?" "Don't be ridiculous." "I'm very happy with my boyfriend, and you're gonna be really happy... with my ex-boyfriend." "Scott Strauss." "Tessa." "I found an awesome parking spot." "Sorry." "We're handicapped, right?" "Right." "Very." "If a flicker of regret crossed my mind, it was erased by the time the first chunk of cheese-soaked baguette hit my lips." "Listening to him talk, I was reminded of the great Scott Strauss paradox... how could someone who looks so good on paper and look so good in person be such a freakin' bore?" "Let's think about that as we share this cheese." "So I heard you were journaling in Barcelona?" "Barcelona destroyed me." "Nearly destroyed my whole family." "I'll never go back there." "No, I..." "I know what you mean." "My family stayed at an all-inclusive in Cancun, and... it wasn't great." "Although I did like that you could pay for things with beads." "I have a question." "How do you get your hair so silky?" "You have to admit, it's incredibly silky." "I use jojoba oil that I hand-squeeze from organic jojoba seeds that I grow in a planter that I built from jojoba husks." "Oh, my God." "Stop saying "jojoba."" " A lot of people don't know that." " Mnh-mnh." "I didn't mean to sound condescending." " No, no." "Just truly, people don't know that." "Back to your hair... may I feel it?" "I want you to." "Jojoba." "Tessa, leave me for him." "You have to." "No." "There's no accounting for love, but when you find the right person, you know it." "Lisa!" "Baby, I miss us!" "Lisa!" "Oh, my God." "Lisa?" "Lisa!" "Hey." "Where are you going?" "Tessa, I'm..." "I'm sorry, but I have to get out of here." "This dinner is destroying me." "I'm not gonna find love in this restaurant." "Not tonight." "How do you know?" "Because I f... found it once." "And I..." "I remember what it felt like, and I, um, I just think" "I'm gonna need to learn to be alone... for now." "Unless you wanna sleep over." "Yeah, I'll sleep over." "Okay." "Thanks." "Oh, my gosh!" "Look at Yakult!" "She's got a spring in her step again." "I haven't seen her go that hard since she was a puppy." "Really?" "Ugh." "No wonder why I was feeling body ache, chills, and a loose stool coming on." "I knew it was either George Altman or a parasitic tapeworm." "Oh, wait." "I forgot." "Same thing." "Burn." "I've been taking the girls on some walks, spending a little quality time with the both of them." "And they have never been happier." "It's true." "And daddy Altman lets me walk off the leash." "Yoni." "You said dog walking was poochie propaganda perpetuated by the poop bag peeps." "Yeah." "The truth is, I..." "I don't really know much about dogs." "So..." "George was right?" "This was just an elaborate ruse to try to get me back because you're still in love with me?" "No." "He just doesn't want daddy Altman to have you." "A... and he wants to stay in your guest house, because his credit is iffy." "It is not my fault." "I was living with this chick that I met at burning man." "She was on ecstasy, and she got a hold of my P.I.N. number." "Nobody cares, Yoni." "It's time for you to go." "Wait, wait." "Let..." "let me just stay for four to six weeks." "Four to six weeks?" "Can I at least borrow 5 bucks for cigarettes?" " No!" " No." "Come on, Yakult." "Let's go play that game daddy Altman invented where I throw a ball and you bring it back." "What's it called?" ""Bring it back"?" "Mm-hmm." "Come on, Yakult." "You know she's failing science, right?" " What?" " Yeah." "Well, how do you know that?" "I talked to her." "She's also toying with the idea of converting to Judaism." " Dalia is?" " Yeah." "So what now?" "Take the damn dog for a walk around the block and do science flash cards as we go?" "Stop for bagels along the way?" "Sound like a plan." "No more healers, dog walkers, or gurus." "From now on, we handle all our problems ourselves." "So wait... the dog throws the ball, and I do what now?" "You know what?" "We might want to hire a specialist for this one."