"_" "Eleanor, come on in." "Well, not often you get to confront your greatest failure face-to-face." "Good to see you, too, bud." "I am just dumbfounded as to how this happened." "Our system has never made a mistake before..." "It's just not possible." "And yet, here we are." "First things first, who are you?" "Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and some of the info you had was right." "I mean, "flattened by boner pill truck after dropping margarita mix in grocery store parking lot,"" "that's a very me way to die." "But all the other info was wrong." "In my defense, when I first arrived, and you said," ""You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead, and you're in the Good Place," I had no reason to think that was a mistake." "Location and date of birth, please." "Phoenix, Arizona, October 14, 1986." "So sorry, that's what I used to tell people when I lied about my age." "I was born in 1982." "You lied so much, you forgot your own birthday." "Not a great start, but it should be enough for Janet to locate your file." "Janet?" " Janet..." " What's that?" "What's that?" "What's this?" "Her memory's still being rebooted because, oh, you know, someone murdered her." "Janet, could you please locate the file for an Eleanor Shellstrop, born in..." " 1982?" " Yes." "Phoenix, Arizona, USA." "Sure." "Anything else?" "No, Janet, this is actually a cactus." "This might take a while." "Whee!" "_" "Since Janet can't retrieve your file," "I need to find another way to determine what kind of person you were." "This is a quick litmus test." "Handful of questions designed to tell whether you are fundamentally good or bad." "Question number one:" "Did you ever commit a serious crime, such as murder, sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?" "No." "Did you ever have a vanity license plate, like "MAMASBMW," "LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?" "No." "Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?" "Ew, no." "Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by" "California funk rock band "The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?" "No." "Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?" "And socks?" "Ew, who would do that?" "People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point." "And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines." "Mm, Janet, can I have a glass of water, please?" "Here you go." "Oh, gosh, you said "water"?" " Yeah." " I'm so sorry." "There you go." "Ahh." "I really do have sympathy for your situation." "I mean, you thought your soul mate was a good person, and then you learned that she's just an immoral grifter." " Tahani, please." " Am I wrong?" "She lied to everyone." "She caused a giant sinkhole into which poor Glenn fell." "She caused a trash storm." "She... well, she pretended to be my friend when I really needed one." "And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet." "As far as I'm concerned, the sooner she's gone, the better off we'll all be." "I..." "I understand that Eleanor violated our trust, but please, when you're talking to Michael, try to think about what she's had to go through." "All right." "I will, for you." "But we've been through a lot as well." "You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend" "Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé." "And finally, a multi-part question:" "Did you ever appear on the American television program" ""The Bachelor" or its companion shows "The Bachelorette"" "and "Bachelor in Paradise,"" "or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?" "No." "Okay." "You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor." "So far, so good." "Michael, good news." "I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file." "Is it actually a cactus?" " I don't understand." " I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop." "Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?" " I have the file." " You're sure?" "You have the file and not a cactus?" "That is correct." "I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file." "I do not have a cactus." "Excellent." "Please, give me the file." "Here you go." "Thank you, Janet." "You're welcome." "Well, I say we call it a day." "I mean, I nailed the questionnaire, and you're swimming in cacti." "Can't we just chalk this up to a hilarious mistake and move on?" "No, we can't, Eleanor." "There's no such thing as a mistake in this realm." "And yet, you are, somehow, a mistake." "I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe." "I need to understand every facet of this disaster." "Tell me a lie about yourself." " Any lie." " I love the opera." "And now a truth." "I love Women's MMA." "We don't like to use this." "We've never really had a call for it before you, but in the interest of time." "Eleanor, did you murder Janet?" "No, I did not." "Do you know who did?" "Yes." "Will you tell me who it was?" "No." "I assume it was one of your friends, and I admire you for protecting him or her." "But Eleanor, in the Good Place, there's no room for bad people or bad actions, so anyone involved in the murder of Janet will be reviewed and judged, and there will be consequences." "Tahani, come on in." "Chidi." "Imposter who soiled our paradise with her moral turpitude." "'Sup?" "Thank you for confessing, I don't know what I would" " have done if you hadn't..." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'm amazing." "Bad news." "Michael knows I didn't kill Janet which means it's only a matter of time before he finds out that you did and that you did it because you were trying to stop Bonehead Jones over here." "Hey, homies!" "Then he'll figure out that Jianyu's also a phony, and, here's the real dong-buster," "Michael said anybody who did anything bad might have to go..." " Ohh..." " Which means Jianyu's gone, you might be gone, and all three of us are royally forking forked!" "This is terrible." "What am I supposed to do if he asks me?" "I don't know." "Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes." "On the other hand, snitches do get stitches." "That is true." "I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep." "You just casually cited Immanuel Kant." "Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life." "No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life." "Tahani, I'll get right to the crux of the matter." "Did you murder Janet?" "Absolutely not." "Now, you spent a lot of time with Eleanor." "Why do you think that is?" "Well, people are just drawn to me." "You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show" ""Anderson Cooper 360."" "Given what you learned about Eleanor, do you think she deserves to be here?" "Well..." "You know, if it were up to me," "I might find a way to look past her, um... deficiencies, but it's not up to me, is it?" "There are some criteria that she unfortunately just didn't meet in her time on Earth." "So you think that I should send her to the Bad Place?" "Well, I didn't say that, but is her staying here unfair to those who earned their place?" "It sounds like you want her to leave." "Well, is it not she who wants us to leave her?" "Thank you, Tahani." "You've been a big help." "Listen up, genius." "He's gonna call you in there in a second." "Don't worry, I got you." "I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics." "Oh, boy." "No, don't say any of that." "Michael has a lie detector in there." "It's a... it's a glowing cube." "Like the AllSpark?" "From "Transformers"?" "Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from "Transformers,"" "and... and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it?" "Wise sage, centered Jianyu." "I seek your wisdom in this moment of crisis." "What to do with Eleanor?" "Should I let her stay?" "Should I send her away?" "You think I should send her away?" "No, I should let her stay?" "Or no, I shouldn't let her stay because she doesn't belong here?" "Or no, I shouldn't let her stay even though she does belong here?" "Oh, Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom." "Your devotion to the noble truths has given you something that I don't have: clarity." "It was Buddha who said," ""The man lives a pure life." "Nothing can destroy him."" "I'm not a man, and I've lived no life, so will this destroy me?" "Ouch." "Oh, of course." "A cactus on its own intends no harm." "It's only when we interfere that it becomes dangerous." "I need to remember my own agency here." "Oh, thank you, Jianyu." "You're free to go." "Oh, yes, of course." "Help yourself." "I've got plenty of those." "Chidi, come on in." "Hi there." "I have Eleanor's file." "Janet, if you hand me a cactus," "I swear I will lose my mind." "Oh, yes!" "All right, here we go." "Eleanor, come back in." "Chidi, you stay here." "This file contains a compendium of all of the highest impact events from your life, that's the, uh, biggest positive and negative point swings." "So "Little Julie," who's that?" "Julie is my cousin's daughter." "Her mom is kind of a mess, so I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs." "It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros." "And it's tied together with a Slim Jim." "It's an Arizona delicacy." "Oh, sounds awful, but it's very nice that you made that girl happy." "So what's this: "Kool Threadz," ""Glendale, Arizona's Premiere T-Shirt Emporium"?" "Uh, can we skip around and... and circle back?" "How about I tell you more about those churro dogs." "They came with unlimited ranch dressing." "Let's hear about the t-shirts, please." "Eeeh, okay." "I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me." "That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise." "Okay, to understand this, you have to know about my roommate, Madison." "She was terrible." "Hey, Mads, um, I have to go to this stupid work party tonight." "Can I borrow your peach dress?" "Aww, that's a hard no, babe." "That dress is like twice your salary." "All right, I gotta go to the DMV and pick up my vanity plates." "Ciao, bitches." "Well, that's... that's not great, but I assume you confessed and paid to fix it." "Not exactly." "Hey, losers, I'm going out." "Can you zip me?" "Dude, that dress is hella ripped." "What?" "Oh, that stupid dry cleaner!" "Well, that's the risk you take when you keep" " your clothes clean." " My mom's a lawyer." "Those asswipes are gonna pay." "She sued for $900 for the dress and $80 million in emotional distress." "The legal fees drove the dry cleaner out of business." "Oh, boy." "Wait, this story's about t-shirts." "There's more, isn't there?" "A little." "Check this out." "Somebody put the dry cleaners' story online, and it went viral." "Madison's famous." "The "Dress Bitch"?" "Yikes." "Serves her right." "Madison is psycho." "She totally overreacted." "This is her fault." "Yeah, her fault." "That works." "You guys, what is happening?" "Someone egged my Lexus, and I have like 40,000 tweets calling me the "Dress Bitch"?" "Over a loser dry cleaner man?" "Why is everyone so jealous of me?" "This is a trash city full of idiots." "The "Dress Bitch" is so catchy." " Yeah." " I mean, someone could totally make t-shirts." "Ooh..." "No, no." "No." "No." "Do not tell me that you made t-shirts that said... that and then sold them for a profit?" "Wish I could tell you that, bud." "I really do." "Guuurl, check it out!" "They're here." "Wait a second." "Is this insane?" "I mean, should we be doing this?" "Dude, Madison brought this on herself, okay?" "She's a nightmare of a person to everybody." "Plus, we already have a ton of pre-orders." "Here is your first cut of the profits." "Holy mama." "I can't believe you sold the t-shirts." "Does it help if they basically sold themselves?" "I think you know it does not." "What did you do with the money?" "Gah, I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that." "Thanks, babe." "Next question." "Eleanor." "Given what you know about the people who've been brought here, the lives they've led, do you think you belong in the Good Place?" "No, I don't." "Yello, Bad Place." "What's up, dummy?" "This is Michael, the architect from" "Good Place Neighborhood 12358W." "I'm guessing you've been looking for someone called Eleanor Shellstrop." "She's here." "Come and get her." "What is this?" "What is that smell?" "Get out of here!" "Hello, Trevor." "Hey, there he is." "Good to see you again, Mikey." "Hey, think fast, I brought you something." "Oh, nuts, thank you." "Oh!" "Oh, flaming snake ate all the nuts you brought me." "You're too nice to humiliate." "Oh, hello." "Hi, you look like a piece of crap, are... are you Eleanor?" "Dude, you're like a legend in the Bad Place." "You're..." "Check this out." " Huh?" " "Dress Bitch"!" "It's pretty great, right?" "Trevor..." "Do you know what caused this mistake?" "'Cause I cannot figure it out." "No, we're stumped, but, uh, don't sweat it, champ." "She's definitely one of ours." "So we'll just roll on out, and you can get back to, uh, putting rainbows up your butt or whatever you do here." "Okay?" "Let's hit it, sweetheart." "We got a long ride." "What?" "Right now?" "Trevor, for decency's sake, let her have some good-byes." "God, good people are the worst." "Okay, uh, 30 minutes." "We gotta get back for "The Bachelor."" "I'm gonna be pissed if I miss the Rose Ceremony." "I just want to say, once more, for the record, that this whole good/bad system is bullshirt." "There should be a medium place for people like me who kind of sucked, but in, like, a fun, chill way." "I agree." "I'm sorry I dragged you into this." "And that I never did laundry." "And that I waited until you were about to do yours then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it." "You didn't trick me." "I repeatedly asked you to stop." "Just know you did everything you could to help me." "You're a really good fake soul mate." "What are you guys doing here?" "Well, we only thought it was proper to see you off." "It's the neighborly thing to do." "You guys came to say good-bye because you're my friends." "Well, I... suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you." "Much as one might be fond of a street cat." "Thanks, Tahani." "Sorry about everything." "I'm really glad we're friends." "Oh, hey, dum-dum." "You ready to go?" "Oh, you must be Chidi." "Trying to improve her." "Bold plan, bro." "Well, actually, she learned a great deal in" " a very short amount of time..." " Oh, really?" "Really?" "I don't care." "All right, let's hit it." "Oh, also, you should smile more." "You have such a pretty smile." "Love you, babe." "Can't wait to torture you." "This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason." "Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is." "Oops." "You just thought about it." " Michael..." " Oh, hi, Chidi." "Want some pizza?" "Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office." "All Hawaiian, the worst pizza." "Michael, I murdered Janet." "I knew about Eleanor from the beginning." "I've been trying to help her become a better person, and when she found out that your retirement meant that you would be tortured, she immediately tried to find a way to prevent it." "Eleanor is learning." "She's just doing it after she died." "I did enjoy her company." "But, this is not Little League." "There is no award for Most Improved Player, Chidi." "Well, maybe there should be." "One final note: the dining car is at the very back of the train." "It serves only room-temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed." "Okay, here we go." "Stop this train!" "Dude, what the fork?" "You're not leaving." "Not with her." "Not yet." "Come on." "Wait, you want to keep her?" "Bro, that's our girl." "We agreed on this." "No, what we agreed on was that this was a mistake." "Trevor, we're in unchartered territory here." "Until we can sort this out, she stays with us." "Pff, all right, fine, but until this is resolved, we're keeping the other Eleanor." "Fine." "What?" "I'm sorry..." " The other Eleanor?" " Yeah, the real Eleanor." "The one that was supposed to be here but got sent down to us instead?" "She's on the train." "Eleanor, come on out." "Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor Shellstrop."