"I have no idea what I'm doing out of the house." " You're gonna have one drink." "Relax." " Better make it a fast one." "I need my beauty sleep for tomorrow." "You needed to start sleeping years ago if you were gonna have any shot at being beautiful." " Why can't you ever just be supportive?" " Sorry, I'm just being funny." "Well, you're not." "Tomorrow's audition is the most important of my life." " I apologise." " I don't accept." "He's sad Jamie's leaving." "Why isn't he with her instead of here abusing me?" "She's at a meet-and-greet with her new castmates." "I'm gonna go sleep there later." " Well, la-di-da." " That's Jamie, she's done early." "I'm out." " Shut up!" " It's her last night." "OK, OK." " No tears, pussy." " Later." "Hey, Johnny, if you want to go too, I understand." "I can just roll with E." "It looks like his dance card is already filled, bro." "E making out in public." "That's something I never thought I'd see." " I think I know that broad." " Really?" " Yo, E!" "What's up?" " What's up?" " Hey, Tara." " Oh, hey, Johnny." "How are you?" " Good." "How you doing?" " I'm good." " You guys know each other?" " Oh, yeah." "How do you know each other?" " Calm down, E." " I can't calm down." "When were you with her?" " When were you?" " Last week." " Ha!" "I beat you by four months." " I'm sick." "E, I've had most of this town." "It was bound to happen that our trees would dabble in the same forest at some point." "I figured it would happen with Vince at some point, not you." " Hey, we're still young." " God, I'm nauseous." " Now you're insulting me." " Lighten up." "Four months was a long time ago." " This girl wasn't for you anyway." " Why not?" "Cos she's real slutty." "Let's roll." "What do you mean, she's real slutty?" " She might have given me something." " Shut up!" "I can't be sure." "I was on a real hot streak when it happened, but she was the prime suspect." " Are you joking?" " Relax, E, you'll be fine." "Yeah, you covered up, right?" "Yeah." "Did you?" "I said yeah!" "You twitched." "The classic no-condom tell." " You didn't wear a bag?" " I didn't have one." " She said she was on the pill." " Oh, E!" "Rookie mistake." " I've got to go home and take a shower." " I'd pick up some Clorox if I was you." "Tomorrow morning I'm waking up and calling my doctor first thing." "Looks like we both need a little Irish luck tomorrow." " Good morning, Mr Gold." " Who are you?" "Matt Wahlberg." "HR sent me." "They said you were unhappy with your assistant." "I've been unhappy with the last three they sent." "I got you a blueberry bran muffin from the Belwood Bakery." " I was told it was your favourite." " It is." " Except this is cranberry." " What?" "See the red berries?" "I asked for blue." " Did you check?" " No." " Bye, Matt." " So back to Human Resources?" "Back to the Iowa farmhouse that breastfed you till 15." " Running a little late, Ari?" " Oh, Jesus!" " Terrance, what the hell are you doing here?" " Perhaps it's budgetary cuts." "There was no one minding your desk." "Perhaps I should have security escort you out the way yours did me." " I suppose you could do that." " What do you want?" " I have business I'd like to discuss." " At your age?" "Shouldn't you have more important concerns?" "Like finding an assisted-living facility?" "Listen, I've got to tell you, Ari, this place..." "I mean, it's amazing." "I can't believe how quickly you got back on your feet." "I'm more than back on my feet, I'm towering over you." "Ah, Ari, still the same snippy little boy." "Terrance, if you have business to discuss, start discussing, cos I'm busy with my own business." "Obviously, I need this to be discreet." "What, you want a merger?" " Your star pupil walks out on you..." " I want you to buy me out." " Why would I want to?" " Obviously that's up to you to decide." "I'm putting it out there to you first before I'm offering it to anyone else." " Why am I so fortunate?" " I just want a simple deal, minimum hassles." "Now if you're interested, we could go there." "If not, then all right, so be it." "Well then..." "I'll go." "How much?" "A hundred." "Come on!" "I know your business inside and out." " That's ridiculous." " I don't think it is." "Our backend on Seinfeld and Friends alone will keep you in green for decades." " You just think about it." " I just did." "If you change your mind, you know where I am." " Clubbing baby seals somewhere?" " You've got 24 hours." "24..." "Fuck it." "Llo..." "I'm downloading you the new Empire Of The Sun album." "I thought you were picking songs for you." "I started to, but I gave up when I came across your Boyz II Men collection." " Drama must have put that on my computer." " Yeah, yeah!" " Whatever." "I do have a sensitive side." " I know." "Now let's go." "Your last meal is ready." "Spaghetti Bolognese from Madeo, spicy tuna rolls from Katsuya and lobster mash from Mastro's." " Interesting combo for 11am." " I wanted it to be special." "It is." "I don't want to leave." "You may not be able to if you don't finish packing." "Seriously, I don't feel ready." "We haven't talked about us and how we're gonna handle this." "We're gonna talk on the phone ten times a day and I'm gonna visit." "You think it's that easy?" "I know it is." "Can we please put the computer away and enjoy 3,500 calories?" "One sec." "I just want to check if my flight's on time." " All right." " What's this?" "What?" " It says you've got a new Facebook friend." " Oh yeah?" "The girl from UCLA?" ""Let's get those brews on ice." "Let's get those brews on ice."" " Oh, you got no shot, Drama!" " Yo, Faustino." " What up?" " Nada, just testing on a new pilot." " Annihilated it." " Nice, nice." " What are you doing?" " Testing for the new Melrose." " Didn't they throw you off that thing once?" " Yeah, well, it's a new day." " Badass." " Yeah!" " How you feeling about it?" " Confident." "I got this down cold." " Nice!" " Johnny." "Hey, Phil." " Rock it, man." " Later, bro." "Hey, guys." " Ready?" " I'm ready." "You guys ready?" "Absolutely." "We're just waiting for the director." "There he is." " He's directing?" " Yeah, you know him?" "Great." "Awesome." "I'll see you inside." " How many sexual partners have you had?" " I'm just worried about this one in particular." "I still need to get a general idea of your history." " I don't know, the normal amount." " Multiple partners." "Any group sex?" " Is this really relevant?" " Yes." "I had a threesome once with two girls." "Ever given anal sex?" "I tried once." "No." " Ever received?" " No!" " Do you use protection?" " Usually." "Not this time, obviously." "And this partner told you that she may have something?" "No, but a friend who was with her thinks she may have given him something." " Yeah, tell me about it." " Well, we're still gonna need to get a swab." " What are you gonna do with that thing?" " Exactly what you're hoping I won't do." "If you're leaving for four months it's silly to go out now." "I'll be back." " Let's go." " How was it?" "I feel violated." "I'll call you." "Of course we want it, if we can get it at the right price," " but 100 sounds ridiculous." " Beyond ridiculous." " But if we pull this off..." " We're the largest agency in the world." " Music, publishing, sports." " It's got a nice ring to it." "Not for 100, it doesn't." " The question is - what's his real price?" " Why is he coming to you first?" "Says we can make an easy deal." "You hate each other!" "That doesn't sound very easy." " No, it doesn't." " I worked for Terrance for 14 years." " He doesn't like easy." "He likes a fight." " So he's trying to make Ari look stupid." " I didn't say that." " No, I did." "He won't." "You just tell me if we want this." "Not for 100, we don't." "Hi, Mr Gold." "I'm Jake Steinberg." "HR sent me to replace your last..." "I don't care." "Get Eddie Kapowski on the phone." "Any relation to Kelly Kapowski?" "You know, Saved By The Bell." "You're finished." "Go." "You're fucking fired." " Kapowski here." " It's Ari." "I got a gig for you." "Talk to me." "I need you to find every piece of current information on Terrance McQuewick." "Sorry, Ari." "No can do." "I got a conflict." " What kind of conflict?" " I can't say." " Does it involve me?" " What do you mean?" "Is that son of a bitch looking at me for some reason?" "Ari..." " Are you?" " Ari..." " Would you do that?" " No, I wouldn't." " How would I know if you're lying to me?" " You wouldn't." "But I'm not." " Where are you?" " I'm not wherever you are, so relax." "Eddie, I have given you tons of business over the years." "I want one answer." "Has Terrance McQuewick hired you to look at me?" "Terrance hasn't hired me to do anything, but that's all I can tell you." "I'm sorry." " I think you're overreacting." " Oh, you do?" "It was a harmless click of the mouse." "Do you know how many people request to be my friend?" " I don't accept them all." " I didn't want to be rude." "This is convenient timing though, wouldn't you say?" "It's terrible timing." "Now you're gonna leave all upset." " Sorry for your guilt." " Jamie, please." "This is hard enough already." " Can you please trust me and forget about it?" " I know I'm forgetting something." "You have everything." "I looked under the bed, opened every drawer." "I just want to make sure you and I are OK." " Then delete her." " Delete her?" "Yeah, take her off your friends list." "Done." "Feel better?" " Not really." " Jamie, come on." " Do you want me to go?" " No, I don't want you to go." "But this is gonna be a great opportunity." "It's gonna be amazing for you." " I'm really gonna miss you." " Baby, no." "Don't cry." "I'll be waiting right here for you when you get back." " You're making yourself crazy." " They're making me crazy." "This was a setup." " It wasn't." " Why didn't you know about this?" "Why didn't you prepare me, tell me I had a conflict with the director?" " I can't keep track of all your conflicts." " This guy's an animal." " Charm him with your winning smile." " Mr Chase, they're ready for you." " Great, they're ready." " Johnny Drama, this is your moment." "Now step up and shine bright for all the world to see." "I gotta go." "Break a leg." " Johnny Chase, everyone." " OK." " Hey, everyone." " Sorry to keep you waiting, Johnny." " Technical problems with the camera." " That's OK." "As long as you weren't freezing me out cos this guy's still mad at me." "Why would he be mad at you?" "Last time John auditioned for me, my colleague kept checking his email." "John got a little upset." "It's OK now." "You can talk in the middle of my audition." "You can scream and yell, whatever." "Nothing fazes me anymore." "That's good." "We don't want to try and faze you." "Just relax." "Everybody here is hoping you're the guy." "In fact, I'm gonna turn this off right now so there's nothing to distract you, OK?" " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Let's do this." "OK, let's do it." "Two seconds." " Here we go." " All right, gentlemen." "Let's do this." " Oh!" "I'm sorry." "I guess I'm here early..." " That's OK, Dean." "We're running behind." "We'll be about five minutes." "All right." "So I'll just wait outside." "Great." " Hey, Drama." " Dean." "Good luck, man." "Sorry." " OK, here we go." " He's testing too?" "I thought it was just me." " Don't worry about Dean, John." " Fucking Superman." "Hey, you're gonna do great." "It's your job to lose." "OK, let's do it." "God, I haven't auditioned in like three years." "Do you guys mind if I step out for a second?" " We're on a tight schedule..." " I'll be right back." "Hey, John..." "That's a meltdown." " Come on, you've got to get back in there." " Bro, I can't." "I think I'm having a heart attack." "Take a deep breath." "You're only having a panic attack." "I've had a hundred panic attacks in my life, this isn't a panic attack." " Johnny..." " Vince?" " Yes, Johnny?" " I think I peed myself." "OK, Johnny, I'm coming to get you." "Hurry, bro." "I gotta go." " Someone's running behind." " I had a doctor's appointment." " I didn't know." " It was a last-minute thing." " Everything OK?" " Yeah." " But if he calls, put it right through, please." " Sure." "Here are your other messages." "My friend Ricky called." "Hate to get involved, but I think she likes you." " Oh, cool." " So should I tell her you'll call her?" "I'm gonna take a break from the dating pool for a while." " Murphy Group, hey." " What's up, Scott?" "What's up, mama?" "So I heard you had a wild party night at Villa." "Oh, yeah?" "How'd you hear that?" "The girl you were sucking face with, Tara, I know her." "Well, some friends of mine actually know her..." "I didn't hear anything." " Scott." " Yeah?" "What do your friends know about her?" " She's not like your girlfriend or anything?" " I don't even know the girl." " You know her a little bit." " What do I know?" " I don't know." "The same thing I know." " What do you know?" " She keeps it moving." "She gets around." " What are you saying?" " Have you been with her?" " No, not my style." " The girl's like a Petri dish." " What do you know?" "Cliff Cantor and Rick Salomon double-teamed her at a party a couple weeks ago," " which is not excellent for you." " Jesus!" "Hey!" "Listen." "You know what?" "If you like her, you can change her." "A nice boy like you can reform a girl like that." " Get the doctor on the phone." " Vince called." "He's on his way to the hospital with Drama." "He thinks Drama had a heart attack." " Oh my God." " They're on their way to Cedars." "Text me where I'm going." "Melinda." "My love, how are you?" " Ari, long time." "What are you doing here?" " I have a meeting." "TV stuff, boring." "Funny running into you." " I just saw your husband." " Really?" "Yeah." "Still not looking quite alive enough to have gotten you." " How was your reunion?" " Still some bitterness there." " I bet." " Has he said anything about that lately?" " Anything about what?" " Our bitterness." " No, Ari." "We don't talk about you very often." " Come on, Melinda." "You used to talk about me very often before you met Terrance." " What is this?" " What?" " Did you come here for a reason?" " Yes, I did." "Then speak." "Terrance came to me this morning, as I'm sure you know, because he would like me to buy him out." " I didn't know." " That's great, but I know you know." "I don't know anything, Ari." "Melinda, come on." "We had a moment of flirtation." "I'm sorry if you're bitter because I chose my wife over you, but I represented your talent pretty well for a long time." "Revisionist history, Ari." "You chose your wife over me cos you couldn't get me, and you represented me over her cos I had more talent." "Line up our résumés, I think most would agree." "Melinda, I know how much Terrance trusts you." "Now if you guys want out, I'm in." "But I got you your first job, so don't let me be played." "Honey, you know you never get played." "And all I'll tell you is this:" "I'm no longer on the inside." "Look up a 25-year-old D-cup named Kelsey." " Maybe she can help." " What do you mean?" "I mean, my husband is a lying scumbag and I had no idea he was trying to sell..." "until right now." " So you hired Eddie Kapowski?" " I'm late for my pole-dancing class, Ari." "I guess I'm really going." "Yeah." "You're so strong." "No tears at all." "I'm a guy." "We don't cry." "Not even on really sad occasions?" "I'm crying on the inside." "Turtle, I've been thinking a lot about this whole separation and the Facebook thing." " You've been thinking since lunch?" " I guess before that too." "It's why I got so upset." "I made this decision to leave." " You shouldn't have to suffer because of me." " What are you talking about?" "If you want to see other people while I'm gone, I understand." " I don't want to see other people." " You say that now." " Jamie!" " I swear, this is not a punishment." " I just think it's the right thing." " You drop this on me at the airport?" "I'm sorry, but I don't want you to end up hating me." "Jamie, I could never hate you." " I gotta go." " Jamie..." "Is this cos I didn't cry?" "No." "This is because I love you." "When I get outta here I'm gonna change everything about my life." " What I eat, drink..." " Who you bang." "I'm gonna change that." " Let's hope I can bang after this." " You're gonna be fine." "What did Tara give you?" "I'm dying over here and you're worried about you?" "I'm sorry." " Do you itch at all?" " No." " Hello, John." " Hey, Doc." "How am I looking?" " Am I ever gonna get out of here?" " You are free to go." " Thank God." " It was just a panic attack?" " No, it was more serious than that." " I told you." " So what is it?" " Takotsubo cardiomyopathy." "Its symptoms mimic a heart attack, but are brought on by real-life emotional stress." " You have any of that?" " Tons." "It's often misdiagnosed." "Fortunately, in Hollywood, we see it a lot, though nine times out of ten it's seen in women." " In women?" " What does he have to do?" "Relax." "I'm gonna give him some medication to help." "This type of occurrence could bring on a real heart attack." "Fortunately, this time it didn't." " Thanks, Doc." " Take care, guys." " Loved Gatsby, Vince." " Thanks." " Thanks, Doc." " See, Johnny?" "You're all good." "I'm not all good, bro." "Look what I've done to myself." "You had a lot riding on this." "We'll make a couple calls." "You'll be fine." " Great, it's my doctor." " Answer it." "You'll be fine too." "Hello?" "Speaking." "OK." "Yeah." "OK." "Bye." "Well?" "No results over the phone." "I gotta go to the office." " Want me to roll with?" " I'm fine." "I'll catch up with you guys later." "I gotta call Lloyd." "We have much to be thankful for today, Johnny Drama." " Oh, yeah?" "What?" " I spoke to Phil Yagoda." " Yeah?" " He's gonna see you again." " Really?" "They're gonna see me again." " That's great." " How?" " I'm a miracle worker." "You may need a note from your doctor that says this was real." "Was it real?" "And you may need to pass a physical." "But you're still alive, both literally and figuratively." "Tell him I said thanks but no thanks." "What..." "What..." "What?" "I thought I was gonna die today." "For what?" "Melrose Place:" "The Next Generation?" "You got out of your Five Towns contract for this." "Maybe it was meant to be." "I'm gonna take some time and reassess." " Reassess what?" " My life." "I strongly advise against this." "Another break from the spotlight, you could be gone for good." "I had a real wake-up call today." " Johnny..." " I'll be in touch." "You sure about this?" "No." "But for now it feels right." "Sick, twisted, demented actors." "Why did I ever get into this business?" " Lloyd." " What?" "What?" "Ari Gold is heading up the elevator." "Oh good God!" "You haven't seen me." " Ari?" " Where's Terrance?" "Conference room." "...where we've clearly fallen behind the eight ball is in reality..." "I'm sorry, are you guys busy?" "What is this, Ari?" "You made an unannounced pop-over today and I wanted to return the favour." " This is not very discreet." " I hate discretion." "I want to put my cards on the table." "Anyone want to see them?" "Everyone, get out." "Quickly." " So you've reconsidered?" " I have." "But not for 100." " Do you have an offer?" " I do." " What's this?" " It's a vagina." "What does it look like?" "What's the meaning of this?" "It means that I'm amazed that it's taken you this long, but, once again, you have let a vagina get you into trouble." " What are you talking about?" " I think you know." "You and I always understood each other without saying much." "That's why we were so good together." "But you fucked me, and now you've fucked someone else." " Now I'm gonna fuck you." " I don't know what you think you know." "I know you got busted again." "I know you don't want to sell this company in the middle of an ugly divorce." " Especially with Melinda." "She's tough." " Melinda and I are great, thank you." "How are you and Kelsey?" " That stupid bitch told you?" " Have you ever heard of a fucking prenup?" " Oh, you have one?" " I'd kill my wife before I got a divorce." "I tell you something:" "This is my first marriage, not my fourth." " What do you want?" " To know if you want to make a deal." "Not if you think you're gonna lowball me." "Everyone in this town is gonna lowball you once they find out you're desperate." "I'm not desperate." "I just don't want a battle." " 65." " 85." "That's my drop dead number." "Not a dollar less." "I don't care what you think you know." "Otherwise I'll open it up to bidding." "You'll open yourself up to humiliation." "Don't you want to be on a beach somewhere when Nikki Finke starts flashing pictures of you trying to get your dick hard?" "I'll fuck Nikki Finke before I let her affect my business decisions. 85, Ari!" "I'll give you 75, provided that after I do my due diligence," "I don't find out that you screwed up everything I did here." "Yes or no?" "Have the papers drawn up." " What's going on?" " Wouldn't you like to know?" "Hey, Lloyd!" "If you're hiding somewhere, go deeper, because I will find you soon enough." "Mr Murphy?" "Yeah." " It just doesn't add up." " The world's a crazy place." " You gotta search for what it's telling you." " Would you get off me?" " Sorry." " She's just freaked." "Give her time to settle in." " She'll call." " Yo." "Yo!" "Itchy!" "What's up?" "Unlike you, I still have a disease-free track record." " Congratulations." " Still not what I would call a good day." "Want to hear about the worst day?" " Jamie broke it off." " What?" "She didn't break it off." "She told me to see other people." "I say you embrace it." "Don't do it, Turtle." "Los Angeles is a cesspool." "I screwed up." "I wasn't strong enough." "She was testing me and I failed." " Don't beat yourself up." " I should have stopped her." "All day long she was saying she didn't want to go." "If she didn't want to, she wouldn't have." "Start thinking about yourself." "I have no self." "I don't even know who I am without Jamie." " I'm gonna puke." " We need to go out and have some fun." " Find some nice clean girls." " Not me, I'm done." " E's gone celibate." " No, I'm gonna get Sloan back." " You had a little scare..." " It's not about that." "I hate dating." "I want to be in a relationship, a relationship with Sloan." " E, she said she didn't want you." " Tough shit." "She's gonna have to take me." "UCLA girl wants to know why we're not friends." " You gonna call her?" " Nope." "I'm calling Jamie." " She just left!" " I'll leave her a message." "Guys, I'm leaving in a week too, you know." "For four months." "I'd like to have a little fun." "I'm free to chase puss with you, bro." "Come on."