"[Train bell dinging]" " Welcome to Disney World." " Thank you." " [Chuckles]" " Wait." "Oh, no." "I'm sorry." "These tickets are for Disneyland in California." "Wait." "What?" "Disneyl-land?" "These tickets are for Disneyland?" "You're telling me we drove for two days to the wrong park?" "Unbelievable." " This is not happening!" " I wanted a hat." "Oh, my God." "They drove to the wrong park." "It's official." "There's no way I'm genetically linked to you people!" "Can someone please help me?" "!" "Anybody?" "I'm looking for my real family!" "I don't..." "I don't know how this could have happened." "See? "Disneyland"." "It's right there on your tickets." " [Sighs]" " You didn't read the tickets, Frankie?" "Yeah, I read the ticket, Mike." "I just thought it would be fun to drive 900 miles in the opposite direction." " [Sighs]" " See..." " [Exhales sharply] - my daughter won a contest for two days in the park and one night in a hotel and they gave us this form." "And it had a castle on the top." "And, uh... it was an honest mistake." "I didn't have my glasses." "Y-you'll get there..." "Carol." "Trust me." "She's blind 'cause she's old." "What?" "I'm helping." " [Sighs]" " I mean, come on, Carol." "This place is all about magic, right?" "So, what do you say you just tinker-bell the situation and let us in." " [Laughs]" " Nobody needs to know." "It could just be our little secret." "Uh, but the machine will know 'cause here, we use magic bands." "And when I scan them, they go "beep."" "That's okay." "See, because we can just..." "We can just put these on our arms." "And then we'll scan them and we'll make the beep sound." "[Chuckles lightly]" "So... so..." "So you..." "you can just swipe it, and... and we'll all go "beep," right?" "Just beep, beep, beep." "See?" "That's no problem at all." "Right, everybody?" "All:" "Beep, beep, beep, beep." "[Static crackles]" "Can I get someone from guest relations, please?" " Quickly." " All:" "Beep, beep, beep, beep." "[Sighs]" "He's been back there for a long time." "That's not a good sign, is it?" " I don't know." " [Sighs]" "I can't remember what a good sign looks like." "Dear God, I know you have war and famine and Justin Bieber's gone off the rails, but if you could please, please, please just let us into Disney World..." "[Door opens]" "Sorry, folks." "We've just never had anyone go to the wrong park before." "Um, I pulled all the strings I could, but under the circumstances, there's just no way we can not let you have a great time here at Walt Disney World!" "[Cheering]" " Hey!" " [Laughs]" " Ooh, oh." " [Chuckles]" "[Inhales deeply]" "We also had a hotel." " [Chuckles]" " Oh." "Sure." "We got a little later start than we planned, but we did it." "We made it." "We got our big crisis out of the way, and the fun starts now." "Oh." "It's more beautiful than I ever imagined." " [Gasps]" " I've dreamed of this my whole life." "I've seen it on TV a million times, and now I'm standing right in front of it." " [Gasps]" " And I" "[Inhales deeply]" "[Thud]" "Okay, so, uh, we hit some rides and meet back at Sue's body later?" "So, listen, we've all talked, and we've agreed not to take any extreme measures to save her life." "I can hear you, Axl." "How you doing, Sue?" "Any shortness of breath?" "Let me check." "[Breathing rapidly]" "Sue, you're not trying to have shortness of breath." "What?" "She's fine." "We're gonna be here all day, and I want to make sure there's time to get over to Epcot." "He heard they sell beer there." "Excuse me, Kimberly." "Sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking for a specific kind of hat." "Let me describe it to you." "It's kind of a felty, black, half-moon shape with these rounded appendages that are, I guess you could say, earlike." "She knows the hat, Brick." "They're called Mickey ears." "If you don't mind, dad." "You drove us six states in the wrong direction," " and she works here, so..." " [sighs]" "I'm familiar with the hat." "Great." "Now, this hat..." "Would it be available for purchase in the park?" "[Sighs]" "Okay." "Fun starts now." "I can feel it." "What do you want to do first?" " Everything!" " Epcot." "You guys do whatever you want." "I'm gonna hit some rides." "Then I'll see you at the hotel after the park closes." "Oh, and if you see a long, white glove on the door, it means I'm entertaining a princess, in which case, you should just crash on the couches in the lobby." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "No one's entertaining any princesses, and no one is splitting up." "This is a family vacation." "We're gonna enjoy it together as a family." "All right." "Sue, navigate." "Okay." "Right now, the best ride is Jungle Cruise, and, according to Brad, we should try to get on Randy's Boat" " because he is a-mazing." " [Laughs]" " Sounds like a plan." " Whoo-hoo!" "Where's Brick?" "Oh, look." "I found the store that sells the Disney merchandise." "How lucky is that?" "[Chuckles lightly]" "I'll take this one, Timothy." "Would you like us to embroider it for you?" "We have three different fonts to choose from." "Oh, no." "He said the "F" word." "Hmm." "The basic font is easier to read, but I do like the fun font." "Yep, fun." "Definitely fun." "Great choice." "Uh, now all you have to do is pick a color." "We have gold, black, dark pink, white, red." " [Sighs]" " Thank you, Timothy." "I appreciate your patience with all my thread questions..." "Unlike my family." " [Sighs]" " I just need to check one last thing." "All right." "Whew!" "No ear shadow." "Okay." "Done and done." "I'm ready to go back to the hotel." "Brick, we haven't even gone on any rides yet." "Wait." "So, we're going on rides now?" " What did you think we were doing?" " Duh." " That was the plan." " [Sighs]" "I'm just saying this is new information." "It would have been nice to have a heads up." "Oh, my God!" "It's 2:00, and we've literally done nothing!" "That's not entirely true." "We already lost Brick." "I didn't have that happening till later today." "So, if you think about it, we're ahead of schedule." "Well, I'll go on anything at this point." "I mean, there's no line for Dumbo." "Let's just go on that." "I mean, maybe if I tip the guy, he'll crank it up to puke speed." "No." "No, no, no." "According to section three of my binder," "A.K.A. "Sue's Rockin' ride guide,"" "the line for Dumbo is always short, but Buzz Lightyear and his gang are performing in five minutes, leaving the line to space mountain wide open." "[Laughs]" "Whoo!" "What?" "That's not right." "This is supposed to be the short time." "Oh, I must have been looking at the wrong section." "[Grunts]" "I just have to get to the afternoon schedule." " [Groans]" " Can we please just split up?" "!" "I'll take dad and one more person." "Wait, who do we want?" "Dopey, Naggy, or Dorky?" "This is not my fault, Axl!" "Things are shifting." "My whole binder system's off because we got a late start." "Yeah, 'cause you fainted." "And we had to get Brick's hat." "And dad drove us to the wrong state." "Your mom didn't read the tickets." "There it is... always back to mom." "Come on, let's all just take a breath and go to Epcot." "No." "No, no, no, no." "If my calculations are correct, this is the exact perfect time to hit the haunted mansion." "Trust me." "I've done my homework." "All right." "Come on." "Frankie:" "Ooh!" "They say even a broken clock is right twice a day, and if anybody was our family's broken clock, it's Sue." "Uh-oh." "Where's my hat?" "There it is." "Okay, I'm gonna say this one more time." "A lot of people have that hat." "Come on, Brick." "Where did you last have it?" "Let's see." "I had it at Dumbo." "Then I went in the bathroom, and I didn't want it to get dirty, so I put it on the shelf." "But then, I thought someone might steal it, so I put it in my backpack." "Yep, here it is." " Brick!" " You're going in the backpack next!" "All right, all right!" "Let's not turn on each other." "Listen, we're all getting cranky 'cause we're hungry." "I say we get some fuel in us, regroup, and we're all gonna feel better." "Mmm." "See?" "I told you these Turkey legs were a good call." "It's the most famous food in the park, and you can eat them while you wait in line." "Mm." "I hate to say it, but Sue's ugly and right." " Yeah." " [Chuckles]" " Whoo!" " Ooh!" "Sorry, folks." "We can't allow any food on the rides." "Now, if you'd like, I can toss them in the trash for you." "Otherwise, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of line and finish them." "No, no, no." "We're not getting out." "We can finish these quick." "Come on, guys." "Eat, eat." " Go, eat." "Faster." " [Muffled]" "Just chew it." "Chew it." "[Hacking]" "Uh, looks like a little piece of something scraped your esophagus on the way down." "She's never been a strong chewer, gulps her food whole like a seal." " [Chuckles]" " We've told her a million times." "Axl:" "Maybe we should just put her down." "She's gonna be fine." "Sorry you folks have had to come in here twice in one day." "So, what's been your favorite ride so far?" "So far, it's called the gurney." "[Sue continues hacking]" "[Insects chirping]" "Okay, night-time events." "Did I file that under "N" for "Night-time"" "or "D" for "Dark"?" "[Groans]" "All right, that's it." "I'm done listening to you people." "I'm taking this thing over!" "We're jumping in the first line we see, and we're getting on a freaking ride!" " [Grunts]" " We can't do that, Axl!" "You didn't do the research!" "Hey!" "Look at me!" "Look at me." "I am the captain now." "Hmm?" "Huh?" "[Grunts]" " [Chuckling]" " Whoa." "We're really moving now, huh?" "Good job, Axl." "I'm telling you guys, this is the turning point." "Oh, we're almost at the front!" "A-a-a-and..." "We're out of the park." "[Man over P.A.]:" "We hope you enjoyed your day at the Magic Kingdom." "Until we see you again, have a safe trip home and a magical night." "Mickey:" "So long, everybody!" "And we'll see you real soon!" "[Chuckles]" "Disney World... 1." " [Sighs]" " Hecks... zero." "Frankie:" "So, the first day was a bust, even by our standards." "All we wanted to do was lick our wounds, get to our room, and sleep." "Folks, there's been a slight snag with your room." " [Sighs]" " Of course there has." "[Hacks]" "Oh." "That does not sound good." "Have... you folks stopped by our first-aid office?" "[Sighs]" "Oh." "So, as I was saying, with your, uh, Disneyland prize package, you were supposed to receive a standard garden-view room, but I'm afraid we don't have a comparable room available here at Walt Disney World." "It's just a very busy time." "[All groan]" "[Sighs]" "Look, Todd, I appreciate everything you've done." "It's just been a really long day, and our package did include a garden-view room." "I would love to stare at a garden while I rethink the choices I've made in life." "And, as I said, that's not available." "But..." "I did find another room that I think you'll be very happy with." "[Hacks]" "[Light switch clicks]" "Here you go, folks." "What do you think?" "[Sighs]" "Well, it's not what we were expecting, but I-I guess it'll do." " Mike?" " Seems fine." "Great." "If you need anything at all, just pick up that phone, and you will be connected to your own personal concierge." "And you should have an incredible view of the fireworks going off over the lake right outside your window there." "Have a great night." "Excuse me." "[Sighs]" " Sweet!" " Ahh!" "[Frankie and Sue scream]" "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " [Screaming]" "Frankie:" "Look!" "They have one of those refrigerators that looks like a cabinet!" "Check out this flat screen!" "Dad, there's a media room with an even bigger flat screen!" " Are you messing with me?" " No." "You better not be messing with me!" "There's a TV in the mirror!" " [Gasps]" " Oh, no." "I think I'm gonna pass out again." "Axl:" "Look at this table!" "When I get rich," "I'm gonna buy one of these and never use it!" "Mom!" "Feel this toilet paper." "It's so soft." "It's like a cloud." "[Exhales deeply]" "Everybody, start loading your bags with toilet paper." "Sue, you're on lotions." "Axl, you're on shampoos." " [Telephone rings]" " Got it!" "Don't answer it!" "They'regonna make us leave!" "[Scoffs]" "Hello." "Grand Villa Hotel suite." "Sue speaking." " I'm staying here." " [Chuckles]" "Brick?" "Where are you calling from?" "From the bathroom!" "There's a phone in the bathroom!" "Guys!" "The microwave works!" "Everything in here works!" "Axl:" "The master bedroom is huge!" "[Frankie and Sue gasp]" "I call this room." "No, I get it 'cause I won the trip." "No, the masters will be sleeping in the master bedroom." " [Sighs]" " Frankie:" "This is it, guys." "This is the turning point of our trip." "I know I've said "turning point" before, but this is an unmistakable turning point, right?" "I mean, this has "turning point" written all over it." "Now, we've only got one day left in the park, but it's gonna be a great one." "We're gonna hit it early tomorrow after we have the best sleep of our lives." "Turns out it was the best sleep of our lives..." "And the longest." "Get up!" "Get up!" "It's 3:00 in the afternoon!" "It's our last day at Disney World, and we're missing it." "No showering." "Just bring the mini soaps, and we'll ride Splash Mountain!" "Let's go!" "No time for breakfast." "We'll hit the apple bowl at the desk on the way out." " [Sighs]" " Why do we have to leave again?" "'Cause if we don't leave now, we're paying for this room ourselves." "I'm with Brick." "What do we have to go home to?" "Scratchy toilet paper and dog shampoo?" "I say we barricade ourselves in here, live large for two weeks, and go out in a hail of gunfire." "I cannot believe we slept the day away." "Damn comfortable sheets." "No wonder rich people look so rested." "It's 'cause they are." "Oh, I can't believe this is happening!" "We're gonna lose all the rides at the Magic Kingdom again!" "We want to hit Epcot." "There's no time for Magic Kingdom." "What?" "So, that's it?" "That's it for the Magic Kingdom?" "It's just off the table?" "Oh, I suppose Hollywood studios is off the table now, too, huh?" "!" "Oh, well, might as well just throw these papers away, hmm?" "Oh, and Animal Kingdom?" "Oh, I guess I don't need these anymore!" "Sue!" "Stop." "We are not giving up." "This is the one time in our lives we are not giving up." "Now, come on." "Let's go." "Hold the phone." "I think I misplaced my hat." "Nope." "In my backpack again." "You all look angry." " [Hacking]" " Okay, this is it, people." "This is not a drill." "Rides, rides, rides." "Oh, look!" "We're at the castle!" "Oh, let's take a family photo for the Christmas card." " [Groans]" " Why are not walking?" "!" "Excuse me." "Could you take a picture for us?" "Just press the silver button." "It sticks a little, so you're gonna have to hold it down." "Okay." "We'll do one smiling and then a goofy one." "Why?" "Why are we wasting our valuable time taking a photo for a Christmas card that we all know will never be sent?" "Because I want to show everybody what a great time we're having!" "[Camera shutter clicks]" "I'm sorry." "Can you do that again?" "I know this isn't gonna be popular, but I'll just throw it out there." "I'm regretting my hat choice." "If we can just go back..." " All:" "No!" " No more hats!" "We are going on a ride right after this..." "Any ride that Sue did not recommend." "Ohh!" "Like your suggestions are so great, Axl!" "We all really enjoyed your leaving-the-park ride!" "But I know all the fonts now." "It won't take that long." " All:" "No!" " [Camera shutter snaps]" "Sorry." "I got to meet my family." "I-I tried to get a good one, but you were all screaming at that little boy." "What is wrong with this family?" "Seriously, what is the matter with us?" "Every other family can figure this out." "They can take pictures in front of the castle and agree on rides and laugh and say, "Donny, come sit next to me,"" "all while wearing matching T-Shirts saying, "makin' memories Thompson-family style."" "Yeah." "Look around!" "There are thousands of people at Walt Disney World having the time of their lives!" "Oh, not this sorry group." "No, not us." "What is wrong with us that we can't figure out how to do that?" "Oh, our family sucks." "We suck!" "I knew we should have stayed at the hotel." "Nobody ever does what I want." "Mike:" "Are you kidding me?" "I don't want to hear that from any of you." "I'll tell you who never gets what he wants... this guy." "All I wanted out of this whole trip was to go to Epcot." " Oh, you'll get your beer, Mike." " What is it with you and Epcot?" "You know why I wanted to go to Epcot?" "'Cause never in my life will I be able to afford to take your mom to Paris, and I thought this was my one chance." "I could take her to Paris and we could have a romantic meal, and that's why I wanted to go to Epcot." "Not because of the beer... 'cause I wanted to do something nice for your mom!" " Aww!" " Aww." "Do whatever you want." "Take your phones." "I'm going to Paris with your dad." "All right." "I'm out of here!" "High-school rules apply." "If you see me, you don't know me." " Next stop - [Snaps fingers]" "Splash Mountain." "I'm gonna see if I can exchange my hat." "I guess I'll hit up Peter Pan." "I'm not sure if they allow just one person per ride, but if it's a weight issue, maybe they'll allow my binder to sit next to me." "You know, on second thought, the fun font is a bolder choice." "And maybe I should check out some of these "rides"" "that people keep talking about." "Hey, if Brick's going on his first ride, I got to see that." "I'll do Peter Pan with you, and then I'll hit Splash Mountain after." "You know, if we all go on Splash Mountain together, we could do a funny group picture on the way down." "Hey, if you're gonna be in it," " it's definitely gonna be funny." " [Both chuckle]" "I'm sorry." "That was the last one." " [Sighs]" " Wait a minute." " On your head." " On your head." "♪♪♪" "Mmm." "How's your beer?" "Great." "Although, eventually, we're gonna have to find the kids and head home..." " [Sighs] - ... so you better stop me at one." "Make that 1:30." "[Both chuckle]" "I wish we could have this much fun with the kids, you know?" "I just don't know why we can't get along like other families." "I mean, did we raise them wrong?" "Is it just the way they are?" "Let's not talk about the kids, Frankie." "We're in Paris." "They're America's problem now." "As a matter of fact..." "I don't think we had kids." "Remember?" "We met in Paris when I was a young artist." "Actually, I think you were a Leathersmith, and I was a waitress working at the café and studying to be a chocolatier at night." "You came in one day smelling like leather after working in your shop all day, and you ordered a croissant." "Right, and you were wearing that little French bustier." "How come in every one of your fantasies, I'm wearing a bustier?" "Hey, I gave you Leathersmith." "Okay." "Fine." "So, we're living a life that's wild and carefree, and I don't, for one minute, regret those kids we never had." "And after dinner, we're going back to our studio apartment overlooking the city and..." "I don't know, Mike." "I just ate a bunch of cheese." "Frankie, it's a fantasy." "Just go along with it." "Okay." "All right." "You're right." "You're right." "You're right." "Yeah." "We're in the most Cosmopolitan city in the world." "[Glasses clink]" "Meanwhile, back in America, after 24 hours and three visits to first aid..." "Sue tripped over her binder and munched it pretty hard..." "The kids we never had were finally having fun." "[All screaming]" "[Screams]" "[Axl and Sue screaming]" "[Screams]" "[Laughs]" "And that night, Mike and I traveled the world." "We had margaritas in Mexico, beer in Germany, and gelato in Italy." "We should move here." "Italy?" "Orlando." "I could clean people's teeth, and you could find some rocks to blow up." " Brick:" "Hi, guys!" " There you are!" "You are not gonna believe it." "Brick went on Splash Mountain!" " [Chuckles]" " Yep." " Ooh, hey." "Hello, gelato." " [Gasps]" "Rides are way more fun than I thought." "Turns out they're filled with signs, and all in different fonts!" "Hey, come on." " Let's all go on mission:" "Space next." " Yes!" "Let's go!" "[Sighs]" "Well, we'll always have pretend Paris." " Mm-hmm." " [Chuckles]" "[Fireworks whistling, popping]" "That night, we stayed till the park closed." "And if you had seen us, you would swear we were one of those perfect families, which leads me to believe they probably don't exist." "You just can't be perfect with your family." "You give them your best, but you also give them your worst." "And if you can survive a family vacation..." " [Chuckling]" " You're doing okay." "Oh, and I did get my wish." "We finally all went on a ride together." "And it was the scariest ride of all." " Axl, get your feet out of my face!" " Come on!" "Axl:" "It's an improvement!" " You wish your face looked like my feet!" " Ohh!" "No, I don't!" "[Indistinct arguing]" "Ew!" "Come on!" " Gross!" "Stop!" " No, it's not." "Grow up!" "It's disgusting."