" Morning." " Morning." "Morning?" "Oh, my God, Joe, get up!" "You were supposed to be out hours ago!" "You promised me that after we did the deed you'd be on your way." " l was." " Get dressed." "We've got to get you out of here before Dr Crane gets up." "Oh, no. I smell coffee!" "They're already up!" "I'll just lay low until the two of them..." "My God, it's 9:00!" "I'm late for work!" " l'll get rid of them." " Where's my underwear?" "Eddie, get back here!" " (Frasier) Good morning." " Maybe for you." "I couldn't button these pants." "That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me." "Have you ever considered stepping on the old bathroom scale?" "What's the point?" "That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks." "Daphne?" "Good morning." "Sorry I overslept." "Time we all got our day started." "I'll just clear these dishes away." " l wasn't finished yet." " Whoops." "Sorry about that." "I wasn't finished with that toast either." "You can't play squash on a full stomach." "Yes." "Many matches have been marred by the heartbreak of toast cramps." "Don't you have a doctor's appointment?" "Not yet." "Why are you giving us the bum's rush?" "Bum's rush!" "I love the American vernacular." "So cute." "So quaint." "So long." "Gotta get my wallet." "These damn pants!" "You spend 1 5 on a good pair of pants, you expect them to be shrink-resistant." "When you spend that kind of money you're paying for the designer name." " l've gotta go. I'm so late." " Oh, hurry!" " l'll call you later." " OK." "Bye." " Hello, Joe." " Hi, Dr Crane." "I just came by to give Daphne a kiss." "And drop off these shoes." " Here." " Thank you." "Can anyone make this moment a bit more awkward than it already is?" "Thank you, Eddie." "(Frasier) Thank you very much." " lsn't that Dirk and Gabby Bindercott?" " Friends of yours?" "Filthy rich." "Timber money." "It does grow on trees!" "Dirk!" "Gabby!" "Oh, Dirk!" " Hello, Niles." " Dirk Bindercott, Dr Frasier Crane." "I've heard your program." "Well..." "I've seen your wife." "So Niles, I suppose I'll see you at the benefit on Sunday." "I know Maris is coming." "Yes, Sunday." "Which benefit is Sunday?" "I have so many benefits...on Sunday." "The Hoedown for the Homeless." "You were invited?" "The Hoedown?" "Yippee-yai-yes!" " That must be Gabby." " Certainly sounds like her." " See you Sunday." " Yes." "Till Sunday." " l wasn't invited." " Niles, it's one party." "Off the A-list for one party, off for all of them." "I'll be relegated to B-list events." "Grubby theatre companies and last year's diseases." "When two people separate, their friends choose one spouse over the other." "They chose Maris because she's better connected and has more money." "Exactly which part of that was meant to ease my pain?" " You're overreacting." " Oh, wait. I know what happened." "My invitation just got lost in the mail." "It's not so far-fetched." "It could have been mis-sorted or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier." "Hoedowns are catnip to postal workers." "I'd ask you to explain that, but then you would." "I'm going to check with the post office." "I heard about a man who bought a piano and he found a 40-year-old unmailed letter in it." "We should contact Ferrante and Teicher." "See if they have your invitation." "Poke fun now." "Who'll feel foolish when I'm sipping champagne atop a mechanical bull?" "Cappuccino, please." "Roz, I want to get your take on something." " What?" " Well..." "Daphne has sex in my apartment and it leaves me in an awkward position." "Doing what?" "Bending over to look through the keyhole?" "What is the big deal?" "Say I'm sitting there listening to music, reading a book... and Daphne and Joe are back there..." " So?" " lt just makes me uncomfortable." "I'll ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house. ls that too..." "Amish?" "I was going to say selfish." "Oh, let's see. "Please Daphne, don't have sex. lt disturbs my reading."" "No, that's not too selfish." "A man should be comfortable at home." "How can I relax when every giggle, every noise makes me...you know..." " Picture it?" " Of course not!" "Don't be ridiculous." "The very idea!" " You're picturing it right now, aren't you?" " You made me!" " (Martin) Hey, Fras." " Hi, Dad. is Daphne in?" "Yeah, and you should pretend that nothing's happened." "Denial." "The sort of advice I'd expect from a man whose driver's license still lists his hair colour as brown." "It was until you came back to town." "Daphne. I think we need to discuss what happened this morning." "It's been bothering me all day." "It was my fault." "No, I share the blame." "We never discussed the house rules, especially when it comes to..." "you know... I apologise for any embarrassment I caused." "We can't go to Joe's - he's still building his house and he sleeps at a friend's." "But it will never happen again." "Then our business is concluded." "Meeting adjourned." "Yes." "Next time Joe spends the night, I'll notify you well in advance." "Daphne, I was just reviewing the minutes of our last meeting." "There seems to be some confusion." "My quibble is not with the lack of notification." "I am just not comfortable with you and Joe sleeping together under my roof." "I see. I'm sorry about that, but it is my room, isn't it?" "Yes and I want you to feel comfortable." "It's more important for you to feel comfortable because it is your roof." " Thanks for understanding." " Not at all." "I'm going away for the weekend, but first thing Monday I'll start looking for my own place." "Guess who." "Daphne..." "I don't want you entertaining here but I also don't want you to move out." "So you want me to stay but not have a personal life?" "That works out fine. I'll spend all day waiting on you and your father, then retire to my room and wait for the morning." "If my whimpering gets too loud, you can just have me fixed like Eddie." "That is not what I meant." "This is difficult for both of us, Daphne." "I have to express my feelings." "I also don't want to lose you." " You're important to us." " That's why my solution is best." "I'll be here during the day to take care of your father, but nights and weekends I'll go home." "And you can turn this room back into the beautiful study you used to have." "What other choice do we have?" "It'll be a period of adjustment for all of us... I know how much you care about me and consider me part of the family but..." "You're picturing your study, aren't you?" "You made me!" "(Martin) # She's such a groovy lady #" " Morning, Dad." " Oh, morning." " Seen the phone?" " l left it in my room again." "You want a breakfast burrito?" "I'll passo!" "Suit yourself." "What happened to the silk pyjamas I bought you?" "They're too la-di-da for me." "Besides, they shrank." "There go my Tater Tots." "You want a pile?" "I enjoy a "pile" of breakfast as much as the next guy, but I still think no." "Are you planning on going around like that all weekend?" "Yeah, why not?" "Daphne's off on her little trip. lt's just us guys." "Besides, I've been wearing pants around here for three years." "Enough." "I see." "Dad, I just have to do this." "All right." "It's no big deal, but I couldn't find the remote control for the TV last night." "I thought we agreed that its place was on that table next to my chair." "What was it like when you had to get up to change the channels?" "It was hell!" " You expecting someone?" " The contractor." "I'm going to restore my study." " Why don't you use Joe?" " Joe's done enough work in that room." "Henry." "Thank you for coming." " No sweat." " l'll just show you to the room." "Oh, this is my father." "Don't get up!" " Coffee?" " That'd be great." "Fine." "The room is down the hall and to the right. I'll meet you there." "Oh, Dad, this is a small thing but you left the sponge in the sink again." "So?" "If it stays wet, it begins to smell and becomes a breeding ground for bacteria." "So?" "So if I were to say, wipe up that salsa that you spilled on the table just now, I would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella and listeria." " Wouldn't that bother you?" " Yeah, it would." "I wouldn't dream of touching that sponge now." "Ah, yes." "Our own foul-breathed little Handy Wipe." "You've left lights on all weekend." "You know what that does to the electric bill?" "They had to build a nuclear power plant to keep that television on day and night." " You moved my chair again, didn't you?" " No." "Maybe Eddie did." "Did you move my chair?" "Frasier would never mess with my stuff." "I moved your chair!" "The way you have it ruins the symmetry of the room." " The sight line loses all flow." " Oh, the sight line." "I thought it was for some dumb reason." "And get Eddie off the couch, or it's down to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life." " (Southern accent) Howdy partner." " Save your snippy remarks." "(English accent) Am I crazy or is there a bright golden haze on the meadow?" "Stop it. I'm in a social crisis." "I drove to the Hoedown for the Homeless assuming that Maris had simply neglected to forward my invitation." "I was not on the guest list and the parking attendant said he missed me at the Luau for Lupus." " lt's official. I'm a social outcast." " Why do you care about those people?" "In your hour of need they pretend you don't even exist." "They treat you like you're a leper." "But I really, really like them." "I know it makes me sound pathetic." "But I'm newly separated." "These people have been my social circle for ten years." "Frasier, they're my tribe." "I hate to break this to you, Waltzes With Snobs, but they have left you on the mountaintop to die." "Maybe your friends wanted to invite you but they thought you'd be upset seeing Maris." "Of course." "You're absolutely right." " That's ridiculous." " These people do care about me." "Call them." "Prove to me I'm wrong." " OK." "Where's your phone?" " lt's in my bedroom." "And Dad's shaver is in the kitchen." "You see, all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend." "Proud of yourself?" "Why not let him think his friends were doing him a favour?" "The Martin Crane approach - better living through denial." "It's the same with Daphne." "You couldn't pretend nothing was going on." "Dad, I'm a psychiatrist." "I don't pretend. I confront. I resolve." "You really resolved this." "She's moving out." "You go looking for trouble." "Oh, that is so untrue." "Perhaps you can explain this!" "A grown man's obsession with a sponge?" "No, I can't!" "For the last two days I've asked you again and again to wring out the sponge." "But you don't even respect my feelings." " Your feelings are stupid." " But they're my feelings!" "You should respect them." "Like you respect mine about my chair?" " That makes no sense at all." " You want me to dry that sponge?" "I'll dry that sponge!" " Give it a minute." " Oh, that's mature!" "What a tortured little world you live in." "Newspapers strewn all over the place." "Sponge germs coming after you." " lt's a wonder you can sleep!" " My dreams get me by." "Like the one where l strap you in your chair and run around turning on all the lights, even in the rooms I'm nowhere near." "That electric meter must really be spinning now!" "Evening, all." "Did you boys have a nice weekend?" " Barrel of laughs." " l had the loveliest time." "Hey!" "Off!" "We found a bed and breakfast up the coast." "I talked my decision over with Joe, and he agreed it's the best for everyone." "I'll still be here during the day to help your father with his exercises." "But nights and weekends it'll just be you two carefree bachelors getting into trouble together." "I'm usually just underfoot around here anyway." "So you see, my decision is best for everyone." "Well, I've had a long weekend, so good night." "Good night, Daphne." " Frasier." " What?" "You know how an Oreo has that soft filling between two hard cookies?" "That's what keeps them together." " l see your point, Dad." " Daphne's the centre." "I'll go and talk to her." "You and me, we'd be the cookie part." "I get it." " May I come in?" " Yes, of course." "Daphne..." "You can't go." "You have to stay." "I've just realised how important you are to us." "If you go, Dad and I will kill each other." "I'm not just tossing out hyperbole." "I'm speaking literally." "Dad and I, dead." "He'll have a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue." " Do you want that on your conscience?" " No, of course not." "Truth is, I do still think of this place as my home." "But you'd never be comfortable knowing Joe and I were..." " l'd be willing to try." " l know you better than that." "We'll both be miserable." "Why can't I get past this?" "It'd be easier to pretend you weren't in here making love." "Making love?" "is that what you think we were doing?" " Yes, of course." " There was nothing like that going on." "Really?" "Seems rather implausible." "I'd like to believe that and believe me I really do want to..." "How can I?" "How could Joe and I make love, what with Joe's war injury." "What war would that be?" " The Falkland lslands." " But that was a British conflict and..." "His parents have a summerhouse there." "That's very unfortunate." "Taking a summerhouse in a war zone." "But how...?" " He was kicked by a sheep." " A sheep?" "A sheep spooked by an air-raid siren." "Work with me." "I see." " So what you're saying is that Joe..." " Can't." " That changes everything." " Yes, it does." "But just so as we're clear, even though there's no actual lovemaking," "Joe and I can on occasion, say, read poems to each other in here at night?" "As long as you don't read too loudly." "She's staying." "Turns out they're sleeping together... but not having sex." "They can't because Joe was kicked by a spooked sheep during an air raid while his family were vacationing in the Falkland lslands during the war." "Dad was right." "They are my real friends." "It was all just a misunderstanding." "The social chairman's dog ate my invitation." "The poor animal had to go to the vet and they forgot to send me another." "When I offered my new address they said, "No need." "We'll see you around."" "I'm going to start wearing sweat pants." "That damned dryer again." "You guys want some cookies?" "They're reduced fat." "That means we can eat twice as many." "# Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# Oh, my!" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe...but I got you pegged!" "# But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# They're calling again #" "Good night, Seattle, we love you!"