"I have an idea." "How about whatever you've been working on is your talent tonight?" "That way, the other campers can get to know you." " It's not a song or anything." " It's okay." "I'll have Susie put you on the list." "Oh, God!" "Thank you!" " How was the waterfront this morning?" " It was good." "We gonna get a chance to spend time together?" "Are you gonna pound this into my face all day?" "Sorry." "Apology accepted." "Guess what." "A bunch of us went into town and got ice cream and hamburgers..." "It smells like the ribs are ready." "Beth, I may regret saying this," " but how dare you usurp my authority as producer..." " Hmpf!" "Director/choreographer of the talent show?" "You were wrong to do that!" "I have been busting my balls, woman!" "I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak... prancing around on stage making my life a living hell!" "All right, I'll put him last." "Good." "Oh, she always wins!" "Don't pick it up, stupid!" "Stop picking it up!" "You see?" "this is us, and we're traveling around the sun." "That's a 1.3 million mile trip every year!" "Radical." "You might say that each and every one of us... is a crew member here on spaceship earth." " When would we say that?" " Any time." "Dinner." "Literally any time." "You're amazing." "I hope I can come to your college and you can be my professor." "Actually, I, uh..." "I'm just an associate professor." " What does that mean?" " Melvyn!" "No, no, it's all right." "it means, Melvyn..." "It means that I'm... less than." "Oh, God!" "Hey!" "What's goin' on?" "Hey, Beth." "We're just having ourselves a little cry." "I know what this group needs." "How 'bout we grab some lunch and watch the "capture the flag" game?" " What do you say?" " I think we'll take a rain check, Beth." " We're in the middle of some pretty interesting stuff." " I'll make you a deal." "You come watch the "capture the flag game" with the normal kids, and then you can have the whole rest of the day to learn about planets, stars, pulsars, heliocentricity, gravitational collapse... and the science of celestial mechanics... as shown through the work of the 19th century scientists..." "Alexis Clairaut, Jean d'Alembert and Pierre Laplace." " Okay?" "Ready?" " Okay!" "Break!" "Gee, I was really impressed by some of the stuff you said back there." " Oh, it was..." " No, Beth, you know what you're talking about." "I don't know where you find the time to learn about astrophysics." "I mean, with camp payroll and insurance to deal with." "Keeping parents happy, supervising a young staff." " Keeping everyone fed." " Wow." "It was in 1908 that the first American summer camps were founded in the Catskills." " Is there any more corn?" " What?" " More corn." " Oh, dude." " You got..." " What, dude?" "What?" "What are you doing with your hand?" "On your face." "You, uh..." "Cat got your tongue, Andy?" "What is it?" "You have barbecue sauce all over your face." " I know that." "So?" " It's pretty foul." "It's just barbecue sauce." "Come on." "I wanna make out." "Okay, but not here." "What's it like being a professor?" " What do they say, "publish or perish"?" " Well, perish mostly." "I'm up for tenure this fall." "If I don't make my mark soon, I could end up out of work." "But you're so talented!" "Tell that to my dean." "Okay." "Okay, what's his address?" "You serious?" "56 Linden Lane." " Okay." "City?" " God, you're really..." "Augusta." " State?" " I can't believe..." "well, Maine, of course." " ZIP?" " This is... 04139." " Does he have an apartment number?" " No!" "Beth, this is incredible." "I don't know how to thank you." "You already have, Henry." "You already have." "This is crazy." "This is crazy." "That's it, Lars." "Good." "Keep your feet together." "You got it." "Good." "Aah!" "You taste like a burger." "I don't like you anymore." "Whatever!" "Damn it!" "Is it my turn yet?" "So, this is where I come when I want to think." "Wow!" "It's very..." "Barn-like." "You know, it's weird, Coop." "I was supposed to be in the woods with Andy this afternoon, but..." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "We can go back." "We should go back." "No, no!" "It's okay." "I can see him later." "Give me your hand." "It's cold." "Yeah." "I'm freezing." "Do you want my sweatshirt?" "Do you mind?" "Okay, Coop, now I'm colder than I was before when I said I was cold." "Well, do you want my flannel?" "Yeah." "This is cool!" "It's really a great shirt." "I love it." "It's my favorite shirt." "So... you're gonna have to give it back." "Now?" "Yeah." "What are we doing?" " Do you mean like switching our shirts?" " No." "What are we doing?" "I don't know." "Okay, so I'm Ron and I'm calling you." "Here we go." "Ring, ring." "Hello?" "Hi, Gail." "It's me, Ron." "Hi, Ron." "What do you want?" "Um, well..." "I'm ready to give our marriage another shot." "What do you say?" "Um..." "Be strong, Gail!" " No." " No, Ron, it's over." "Good-bye." "Hi, mom." "Could you get dad?" "Just get him." "Hi, dad." "Okay, are you guys sitting down?" "I met somebody." "Well, she's got this other boyfriend, but, well, it's just a matter of time, I think." "Her name is Katie, and she's really great." "And, um... what?" "I don't think so." "She might be." "She's got a pretty big nose." "Well, I know how you guys worry that I have trouble meeting girls." "And I'm just saying, worry no more." "Well, I should get going." "she's probably looking for me." "Okay, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow." "Bye-bye." "This feels so good." "Maybe you shouldn't jump the gun just yet, Coop." "Very good, very good." "A-plus for comedy, Beth." "Ruth Buzzi better watch her back." "Beth!" ""Jump the gun."" "# Day by day #" "# Day by day #" "Okay, stop!" "I feel like I'm watching regional theater, you guys." "God, am I at the Cleveland playhouse or something?" "Your craft is a muscle!" "You need to exercise it!" "Take a break!" "Think about what you've done." "Gee, Susie, have you seen Katie anywhere?" "No. why?" "No particular reason." "But if you see her, will you tell her I'm looking for her?" " Sure." " Okay." "All right, with passion!" "Katie!" "Are you in here?" "Oh, hi." "Um, I want to talk to you later, okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "Dinner!" " Have you seen J.J. and Gary?" "Do you know where they are?" " Don't know." "I'm a little worried they might have found out about us." " Hey!" "McKinley and Ben!" "This is for you." "It's a chaise lounge." "We didn't know if maybe you guys already had one." "We have the receipt if you do." "No, we don't have one." "Thank you!" "It goes with the chenille throw cloth Beth's sister gave us." "Okay, everybody, attention." "I've got an announcement." "I know you're all getting ready for the big talent show tonight, but the following campers need to put their trunks out... so the early bus to Boston can pick them up at 7:30 a.m." "Amanda Klein, Jessica Azaria," "Ira Stevenberg, Sol Zimmerstein, uh, David..." "Ben Gurion." "Cookin' slop for the grunts in 'Nam was easier than this." "We had no place being over there." "It was a war we couldn't win, Gene." "Yeah, well I'm gonna go smear some mud on my ass." "What?" "I said, "I hear my bud's in class."" "I gotta go and call my bud and see how his grades are." " I, I gotta go. go away, leave me alone." " Gene, hold on." "Look, I don't care what you do in your private time, but don't lie about it." "I mean, you clearly said, "smear mud on my ass."" "And I'll tell you something." "If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass." "Just be honest about it." "Look, Gene, I've never told anyone this before." "But I can suck my own dick." "And I do it." "A lot." "There, I said it." "I was honest." "And you know what, Gene?" "Being honest makes you feel better." "Hey, Katie, wait." "I'm sorry about before." " I hope that wasn't bad timing." " No." " Coop, we have to talk." " Sure." "I was thinking that what happened between us before was a mistake." " And, uh..." " What?" "I wasn't thinking straight." "It was wrong." "No, it wasn't wrong." "Katie, why are you doing this?" "I'm really sorry." "Come on!" "This is a joke, right?" "I have a boyfriend, Coop." "And I can't..." "I can't do this." "I'm sorry." "Wait, Katie!" "When we first started hanging out together this morning... we were just friends." "But things change, and I've fallen in love with you." "And I just, I just know that if you gave me a chance," "I could make you feel so good." "So I'm coming to you, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man." "A man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her, and provide for her, and, yes, have sex with her." "But, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh." "And I love the way your hair smells." "And I love it that sometimes for no reason, you're late for shul." "And I don't care that you're bowlegged and bilingual." "All I know is I would have said "no" to every person on your list... because I've always wanted you." "Coop, I don't know what to say." "Coop, wait!" "Rachael Clipperhofferman," " Steven Schenk..." " Beth!" " Can I make a quick announcement before we finish up?" " Sure thing." "I want to thank all of you for a terrific summer." "Cooking for all you nice people... has really helped me get over the fact that I fought in the Vietnam war." "Have a great winter!" "I'm gonna go hump the fridge!" "What?" "Yes, folks, it's true." "I said, "I'm gonna go hump the fridge."" "What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream." "I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass." "You're probably asking yourselves, "isn't he a weirdo, outcast, loose cannon?"" "Maybe." "I don't think so." "I want to introduce you guys to someone." "This is my friend." "I don't know who he is, but I do know this." "At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself," "He was there to show me a new way." "Because I couldn't hide from him." "And I can be proud of who I am." "I put it to you, Camp Firewood," "As we spend our last dinner together:" "Be proud of who you are!" "Look at me, ma!" "I made it!" "I'm okay!" "Now, if you don't mind," "I have some unfinished business to attend to." "Great!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "You fuckin' assholes!" "Let me go!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Please, stop!" "No, no, no!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, Henry, I'm so happy." "But what will become of us tomorrow?" "Hey, you." "Penny for your thoughts." "Beth, tomorrow's the least of our problems." "Don't tell me." "Don't even tell me you have crabs." "No." "Well, yes, but that's not the point." " What is the point?" " This isn't the time or the place to discuss it." "Beth, meet me at the picnic table in ten seconds." "I'll tell you all about it." "Okay." "Beth, hello." "Thanks for coming." "Let's get right to it." "You may recall ten seconds ago, I asked you to join me here by the picnic table... so I could tell you what's going on." "Well, earlier today, I saw what I thought was possibly a planet, also possibly a meteor in the evening sky." "I now believe that object was none other... than a renegade piece of Skylab, the NASA space station." " And it's heading right for the camp." " Oh, my God!" "And there's more." "We have no way of pinpointing exactly where it's going to land." " It could kill us all!" " Jesus!" "Wait a minute!" "There might be a way... to build a homemade Skylab tracking device!" " Which accomplishes?" " We could surmise the location of impact." "We could avert a tragedy on the scale of the Hindenburg." " Beth, will you help us?" " Anything you need." "Let's do it!" "Hey, Andy?" " Can I talk to you for a second?" " Sure." " Okay, well..." " Time's up." "You said a second." " I want to ask you something." " So you want to talk for more than a second?" " Yeah." " What is it then?" "like a couple minutes?" " No. yeah, at most, say, like three minutes." " Fine." " Do you really love Katie?" " Not really." "Because I really love her, man." "And if you have one ounce of decency, you will do the right thing and let her go." " No way!" " No way?" "Fuck no, dude." "She's hot!" "In fact, fuck off." "I will not fuck off." "You're making a really big mistake, buddy, because that woman is not your plaything." "Coop, seriously..." "Fuck off." " I'm sick of talking about this with you." " God!" "Whoa!" "So this is the Skylab tracking device?" "Is this gonna save my camp?" "I don't know." "But if it does, we'll all be heroes." "In fact, I just got word that if we pull this off," "I could be up for the Hopkins prize for physics." "The Hopkins!" "Baby, what a dream." "You'll finally get your tenure." "Be proud of who you are." "Huh?" " Gene?" " Shh." " It isn't about the girl." " It isn't?" "Well, it is, but see if you can follow me here." "It... isn't." "Oh." "So it is and it isn't." "You are ready to be taught the new way." "Will you help teach me about this..." "What is it?" "a "new way"?" "# Show me the fever #" "# Into the fire taking it higher and higher #" "# Nothing to fear it's only desire #" "# Taking it higher and higher #" "# Whoo-hoo-hoo #" "# Higher, higher #" "# Show me the fever #" "# Into the fire taking it higher and higher #" "# Nothing to fear it's only desire #" "# Taking it higher and higher #" "# Whoo-hoo #" "Abby." "Abby." "Abby, my lover, my friend." "Abby!" " Hey, Neil, what's up?" " Victor abandoned the raft trip, and now the kids are about to go over devil's canyon rapids!" " Where did he go?" " He wanted to get back to camp." "So you left the campers alone on the river?" "Only Victor knows how to navigate those rapids." "We've got to find him and get him back to that river." "It's him!" "Victor!" "Victor!" " We lost him, goddamn it!" " I've got him!" " Where is he?" " He's calling from inside the camp." "The only other phone is in the infirmary!" "We gotta go!" "Ahhh." "Beth, what's the matter?" "The phone!" "Where's the fucking phone?" "In the back room." "We're losing time!" "My baby!" "I want to make love to you!" "Abby!" "Abby?" "Moose?" "Um, you're gonna think this is so shallow," " but what was your name again?" " Oh, my God." "Do you have any idea... what I had to go through to see you?" "You snooze, you lose, dude." "Victor Pulak, there's a raft of campers about to go over devil's canyon rapids!" "Are you gonna be part of the problem, or are you the solution?" "Let's go." "Let's go!" "Here we go." " Oh, fuck my cock!" " What does it say?" "According to this readout, Skylab is going to land directly on the rec hall." "Oh, no." "When?" " Sometime in the next 90 minutes." " Oh, my God!" " That's only one mix tape." " The talent show's starting right now!" " Good evening, Firewood!" " Are you ready for some talent?" " Beth, we have to evacuate the rec hall immediately!" " Yeah." "Victor!" "Come on!" "Stand back." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "You're a master, Vic." "What the... what the fu... what?" "You're doing it." "You're actually doing it." "Oh!" "You saved them!" "You saved them!" "Victor Pulak, You're okay by me." "I'm okay, you're okay." "And Neil, next time we go camping, you drive the Van." "I wish there was another way." "Maybe we should just let them die." "No!" "My friend, Jimmy's, in there." " You have a friend?" " I'm kidding." "Wait a minute." " No." " What?" "Well, there might be a way that we could use our device... to slightly change its direction, but... no, it's impossible." "Why?" "What's the problem?" "In order to do it, we would somehow have to be able... to repeatedly generate random numbers between one and twenty... in order to calibrate the deferential." "That would take some sort of super mainframe computer and we don't have one." "So all is lost." "No, it's not." "Any dungeon master worth his weight in geldings... goes nowhere without his... 20-sided die." "I'd like to introduce us to the emcee for the evening." "We brought him all the way from Kutscher's Country Club in the Catskill mountains." "Wait!" "I have some bad news!" "And my bad news is... and my bad news is... there is no bad news." "I was just joking." "Good one, Beth." "Let's give a Firewood welcome to Mr. Alan Shemper!" "Thank you very much." "Hello, Camp Firewood." "Thank you for having me." "I went to sleep-away camp so long ago that it was the stone age." "Seriously, it wasn't the stone age." "It was the ice age!" "No, really, it was the stone age." "But, folks, actually I went to camp Machnudin... in the pine hills of Westchester, New York." "And that was so long ago... for breakfast we had to eat scrambled pterodactyl eggs... and Raptor bacon!" "Back then we didn't have cots, we had slabs." "Instead of sleeping bags, we had sleeping pelts." "Our first act hails all the way from over in bunk 2." "And his name is Roger, The Master Broom Balancer." "Holy cow!" "Right here, right here." "Let's pray to God this works." "# Love will pervade us till death separates us #" "# We're friends friends, friends #" "That's from us to bunk 7!" " Nine or six, what was it?" " Nine!" "Okay." "We're getting closer." "Give me another." "Seven." "White folks are so stupid when they get mad." "They be like, "hey, asshole, I'm going to kick your behind."" "But the brothers don't even need to raise their voice." "These motherfuckers be like, "don't make me say it twice."" "That's true, that's true." "I hate white people!" "Be that as it may, this next act is a guy named Bert Flugalman." "But it says here that you all know him as..." "Mooooose!" "Gail." " Gail." " Ron." "What are you doing here?" "I've been thinking about you a lot." "And I want you back." "Ron..." "I love you, and I want to be with you, but..." "I've just had too many woulda-coulda-shouldas in my life." "Well, I'm just..." "I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?" "And if you can't handle that, then to hell with you!" "You'll come back to me, Gail." "I know you will." "I don't think so, Ronald von Kleinenshtein." "I really don't think so." "And now, Camp Fizzie-poo, performing the song..." ""Day by day" from the musical godspell, is Susie's drama group." "Before we start, I'd just like to say... that the campers you're about to see suck dick." "Nevertheless, please welcome them." "# Day by day #" "# Day by day #" "# Oh, dear Lord three things I pray #" "# To see thee more clearly #" "# To love thee more dearly #" "# Follow thee more nearly #" "# Day by day #" "# Day by day # # Day by day #" "# Day by day #" "# Oh, dear Lord three things I pray #" "# To see thee more clearly #" "# Love thee more dearly #" "# Follow thee more nearly day by day #" "# Day by day by day by day by day #" "Boo!" "Well, well, well, I can honestly say... that there is no Broadway ditty... closer to my heart than the one you just heard, "day bidet."" "Give me another." " Twenty." " There's not much time left." "When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts." "Or as we used to call it, arts and "farts" and crafts." "We used to make drawings." "Cave drawings!" "Which is my way of saying we were cavemen." "I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying..." ""Sticks and stones may break my bones," and meaning it!" "I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor!" "And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet." "His name was Ugh, and he walked on all fours!" "There were two epidemics when I went to camp." "Head lice and the plague..." "the bubonic plague." "# When you look into his eyes #" "# It comes to you as no surprise #" "# I was the same #" "Katie, I came here to tell you I'm leaving." " Uh, what?" " Yeah." "I've grown up a lot since before dinner when we last talked." " Where are you going?" " I don't know." "Maybe see the world." "I got a couple more weeks before school starts." " But..." " Hey." "I want you to have this." "Hurry up!" "I think I can see it coming towards us!" "And finally, ladies and germs, is a dude... who goes by the name of... "Steve."" "Let's give him a hand." "Come on, do something." "Or get the fuck off the stage!" "Is that wind?" "Oh, my God." "Coop?" "Coop, Coop, don't leave." "Coop!" "Coop, I love you!" "Yeah, I didn't know it until this very moment for sure, but now I know, and it feels like nothing I've ever known before." "It feels so good." "I love you." "# Show me the fever #" "# Into the fire taking it higher and higher #" "# Nothing to fear it's only desire #" "# Taking it higher and higher #" "# Into this fever into this fire #" "# Taking it higher and higher #" "# There's nothing evil #" "# Taking it higher and higher #" "How do I know it's real this time?" "Because I'm telling you." "That's all I can do." "I love you." " Say it again." " I love you, I love you, Gerald Cooperberg!" "# Show me the fever #" "# Into the fire taking it higher and higher #" "It's working!" "Way to go, guys!" "Beth, we did it." "Whoo!" "Baby, that was beautiful!" "You better write to me." "I'm gonna miss you so much!" "Beth!" "Beth!" "I got it!" "The Hopkins award!" "And, NASA's hiring me to go to work for them at Cape Canaveral, Florida." "I'll have a whole new life!" "That's wonderful." "I knew this would happen." "I would meet you, fall in love and you would leave me." "Wait, hold on, Beth." "I've already told them," "I need an apartment for two people." " And they'll fly you back here every summer." " Fuck you!" "And, Beth, I know we've been having trouble with, you know... but I was thinking when the time comes, we can adopt." "Shh." "It's happened." "I'm pregnant." "We're gonna have a baby." "Oh." "Oh, baby!" " Good-bye, Beth." " Oh, hey!" "Looks like everything worked out for you two." "Yeah, it's the best thing that's ever happened in my life." "I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because we want you... to be the guest of honor at our wedding next week." "We would be delighted." "But I hope it's not Jumbo shrimp... because I'm allergic to oxymorons." " Bye." " Bye." "We saved everyone's life and they'll never know it." "I almost like it better that way." "It was us rolling the dice that diverted it, right?" " Not the enormous gust of wind, right?" " Right." "I feel like this entire summer, which kind of sucked, has been rejuvenated by the events of the past 24 hours." "Yeah, it's like..." "well, forget it." " You know what?" " What?" "You guys are my best friends." "Well, my only friends." " Yeah." " Nanoo-nanoo." " So, this is it, babe." " Yep." "So, obviously I think we should get together in the city next weekend." " I'll call my parents, and you can talk to your dad and Kim." " Listen." "Last night was really great." "You were incredibly romantic and heroic." "No doubt about it." "And that's great." "But I've thought about it, and my thing is this:" "Andy's really hot." "And don't get me wrong, you're cute too." "But Andy is like cut from marble." "He's gorgeous." "He's like this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kind of lame." "I don't even care that he cheats on me." "And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16." "And maybe it will be a different story like when I'm ready to get married." "But right now, I'm entirely about sex." "I just want Andy." " Yeah." " I wanna take him," "And grab him and just fuck his brains out, you know?" "So that's where my priorities are right now." "Sex." "Specifically with Andy and not with you." "But you're really nice." "Everybody thinks so." "And I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us." "I still totally want to be friends." "You better write me a letter, okay?" "Sure." "Cool?" "Katie, let's go." " How you doing?" " Good." "# In this Wet Hot American Summer #" "# You're my Wet Hot American Dream #" "# That is if you notice me #" "# Then who knows what the summer could bring #" "# Yeah #" "# Summer #" "# Been feeling kinda restless #" "# Been feeling all mixed up #" "# Feeling like the girl I want is gonna show me what she's made of #" "# Why can't I be the boy that everybody loves #" "# Why can't I be the boy that everybody loves #" "# American Summer #" "I'm sorry, I'm late." "I thought we said 9:30." "No, we said 9:00 so we could be here by 9:30."