"(Cheering and applause)" "Thank you very much." "Good evening." "welcome." "Hi." "marvellous." "Thank you very much for coming." "For those of you that don't know, I'm Jimmy Carr, one of the biggest faces in British comedy." "literally." "I've got one of the biggest faces." "Look at that." "It's like the moon." "I'II be affecting your menstrual cycle just being this close." "When I told my mum I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said, "You can't do both."" "She's right - being a comedian makes you quite immature." "I'm sort of like a 1 4-year-oId boy trapped inside a man's body." "Not in a michael Jackson way." "Because he's a child at heart, not because he fucks kids." "Cos he definitely doesn't, for legal reasons, so..." "This isn't a show for the easily offended." "It's not even a show for people that are difficult to offend." "essentially this is a show for people without a moral compass." "And that's why it's nice we've got a couple of chavs down the front." "hello!" "I did a gig in hull." "I went out to get a coffee." "Someone came up and went, "Are you Jimmy Carr?"" "I went, "Yeah." They went, "Are you in hull?"" ""Yes, I am, you retard."" "I had this amazing cab driver." "He was driving a black cab." "He was whistling." "smiling, clearly having a brilliant time." "He said, "I Iove my job, I'm my own boss." "Nobody tells me what to do."" "I said, "Left here."" " Are you all right at the back?" " (Cheering)" "excellent." "It's nice to hear that cos often when I go to comedy shows " "I go to them all the time, I Iove coming out to see live comedy." "The thing is, if I'm sat at the back, I'm disappointed." "I get my ticket and go, "For fuck's sake, I'm fucking miles away."" "But there are advantages to being at the back." "You get more of a sense of theatre, of people sharing a sense of humour." "What a wonderful thing, the British music hall spirit." "And also, if you're right at the back, this sort of thing won't happen." "I fucked your mum." "That's not gonna happen to any of you." "I've got nothing but respect for your mums." "They're hard-working, decent women." "Your mum still owes me a tenner." "I'm joking." "I owe her a tenner." "bluff." "I'm your real dad." "I'm kidding." "No one knows who your real dad is." "That isn't your mum there, is it?" "(Laughs) Sorry." "Ah." "This is a bit awkward." "Er..." "hello, sir." "She's brilliant in bed, isn't she?" " Er..." " You don't remember her?" " What, sorry?" "I don't remember her?" " No." "What, that's the thing that annoys you?" "Not the fact that I fucked your mum, the fact..." ""You don't even remember fucking my mum?"" "thankfully you all seem to be laughing." "You have taken that quite well." " What's your name, sir?" " Er, julio." "julio?" "How did you know you were having a gay?" "What were you thinking as you gave birth, "Oh, I hope he's a little bender."" ""I tell you what, I'II call him julio."" "Is that your girlfriend, or beard, as I Iike to call her?" "well done." "It's almost like you're protesting too much." "Sorry, you're clearly getting a bit of a hard time." "But you're smiling through it, because at a comedy gig you expect people to be a bit, you know." "There's a bit of banter." "You maybe weren't expecting that." "But you were expecting a bit of banter." "The problem comes when you do this six days in a row then find yourself back in the real world doing something mundane on a Monday morning." "Maybe buying stamps at the post office." "There's a bit of cheeky banter between you and the lady behind the plexiglass." ""Saw you on TV on Friday night."" ""Did you?" "What did you think?"" ""well, you're clearly no match for Jonathan Ross."" ""well, that's interesting, cos I fucked your mum."" ""Don't cry." "I'II go."" "I saw a proper scientific survey." "It said that women can tell if a man wants a baby just by looking at the shape of his face." "presumably if it's like this, that means he doesn't want a baby." "And if it's like this, it means that conception will involve a turkey baster." "What?" "That was my gay face." "Was that not clear enough?" "Fine." "Have it your way." "Haaaa!" "Sorry, I'd Iike to apologise for that mime." "I neglected the balls." "I saw a thing in the paper about animal rights protestors being up in arms because guinea pigs were being used in testing." "I thought, "well, the clue there is in the name."" "They don't call them guinea pigs for nothing." "That's what they're for." "I was in the cinema last week with a friend." "He turned to me." "He said, "I'm just going to the gents'." "Do you want anything?"" "I said, "Yeah, bring us back some piss." "Thanks very much."" "Maybe one of those little minty things from the urinal." "You know they're called urinal cakes." "There's a disappointing birthday." ""Did you get me a cake?"" ""It's not your favourite."" "The fog sign on the motorway." "How pointless is that?" "Who's it for?" "people driving along thinking, "I can't see a fucking thing." ""I wonder if I've got cataracts." ""Oh, no, wait, look, it's fog." "What am I Iike?"" "Do you all do the same thing as me?" "When you drive normally, you drive like that." "little bit of fog, you drive like that." "Get a bit closer, you get a better view, just in case the fog is in the car." "What I'd Iike to do now, ladies and gents, is tell you what this show is about." "I've had an extraordinary 12 months." "I've had a Iife-changing experience." "I was a very cynical man." "I didn't really have any religion in my Iife." "I've let spirituality in in the Iast 12 months." "It's been extraordinary." "So this evening what I'd really like to do is to test..." "I'm joking." "There's no God." "Grow up." "unless of course you're muslim, in which case there definitely is a God." "I'm not a fucking idiot." "(applause)" "I don't mind upsetting the Church of england." "What are they gonna do?" "hold a fete?" "I'm sure there are Christians in the audience thinking, "If I get hold of that Jimmy Carr," ""I'm gonna bloody well forgive him."" "Creationists, the right-wing Christians, believe every word Genesis says." "I don't even think phil collins is a good drummer." "people with Tourette's." "What makes them tick?" "That was originally about suicide bombers." "I've toned it down for you." "If you were to count up every hotdog sold outside football grounds in Britain on any Saturday, chances are, you're autistic." "Right, well, I feel we've warmed up." "Let's try some properly offensive jokes, see how we get along." "99%%% of women kiss with their eyes closed." "Which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist." "(Audience gasps)" "Let's have a little time-out there." "And discuss the rules of the gig." "Feed line, punch line" " I'II take care of that." "Then you can either laugh, you can laugh and applaud, I'II be flattered and delighted, or you can go, "Whoa"" "in a disapproving styI-ee." "What you can't do is laugh, applaud, then look round and go, "Whoa."" "Not having that." "Let's give it a go." "A headline in the Evening Standard said, "football rapist quiz."" "I thought, "Is that a story or a competition?"" "Does anyone know what you're meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish?" "(Various) Wee on it." "Yeah, piss on it, wee on it, exactly the right answer." "I didn't know that." "I got told." "I went on holiday, everyone told me, "If you get stung by a jellyfish, pee on it."" "I'II tell you this much." "It doesn't work as well on shark bites." "The boy's family were livid." "apparently, once they've been dead for a couple of hours, there's little you can do." "No amount of piss is bringing 'em back." "It is true urine can be used to disinfect a wound." "It's often taken the wrong way." "That's why I no Ionger work with the St John's ambulance." ""Come here, love, that looks nasty."" "It's apparently not what anyone wants to see." "On that same subject, I've got a time-saving tip for the gentlemen in the room." "I don't wash my hands after I pee." "What I do is I wash my cock in the morning then I'm good for the day." "Sometimes it's the best bit of my day." "I am very thorough." "Do you know what you're meant to do if you're attacked by a bear?" "(Man) Shit on yourself." "I have a feeling that might be quite involuntary." "That sounds like advice given by a forest ranger trying to go," ""well, no, that's the procedure." "Uh..."" "I saw the bear coming at me, I thought "Wuh-huh..." (Honks)" "I suppose you could try and piss on it." "although if you whipped it out in front of a bear, it wouId go, "Ooh, an hors d'oeuvre."" "Any other suggestions as to what to do?" " (Man) Make yourself big." " Make yourself big?" "Yes, make yourself big." "Go and grab something to eat." "Work out a little." "Maybe buy one of those puffa jackets." "Get back to the bear as soon as you possibly can." "Do you mean go like that?" "You're like an advert for natural selection." ""There's a bear coming at us." "Don't worry, I'II handle this."" "I imagine the bear would think, "Ooh, look." "Monster Munch." ""Look, novelty food."" "Any other suggestions?" " (Various) play dead." " That's the right answer." "Do you know why?" "It's to get you used to how you're gonna be in a minute." "Just so there's less mess." "A snakebite isn't gonna kill you." "unless you're allergic to cider." "It's a joke for the goths." "They're the ones that need cheering up." "I Iove swearing." "I've always..." "Sorry, what was that?" "I missed a bit of chat." " (Laughter)" " Hi." "Sorry, it's not the telly." "If you talk, I can hear." "You're looking pissed off, thinking, "I didn't press the red button." "It's gone interactive."" "What were you saying?" " Go on, say it." " I thought you meant snakebite drink." "You thought..." "You..." "She just said, "I thought you were talking about snakebite the drink."" "Yeah." "What happened was..." "OK, in a joke..." "A joke is like two stories, yeah?" "And the first story makes you make an assumption about something." "The assumption people made about snakebite in that joke was that it was a snake biting you." "But..." "But..." "Mmm." "That's the set-up of the joke." "You assumed, "He's talking about a snakebite."" "A snake biting someone." "In the second part of the joke, often known as the punch line... what you'II find... is that rug will be whipped from under you and you'II realise the assumption you made was erroneous." "suddenly revealing a fact that was previously concealed is the nature of all one-Iiners, madam." "So in essence, I was talking about both snake bites, the thing that happens when a snake bites you, and also the drink." "No problem at all." "It's lovely to help." "It's nice to have you here cos I think one of the charity gigs I did helped pay for the minibus that brought you here." "Nice to see that money wasn't wasted." "Oh, bless her little heart." "What are you making of the rest of the show or are you just enjoying the spangly things?" "I've always liked swearing." "I'm a big fan of swearing." "especially middle class polite swearing." "The sort of swearing parents do in front of the kids to pretend they don't swear." "Terms like effing." "We all know it means fucking." "But it's a nicer way of saying it." "I've got a story." "I was at a wedding with my friend Craig." "He's Scottish." "He swears a Iot." "actually, I don't need to say both of those things." "Anyway, we're all suited and booted at this posh wedding on our best behaviour." "He leans across the table, he says, "Pardon my French."" "I thought, "We're in trouble here." ""I happen to know you don't speak French." ""You barely speak english."" "He says, "Pardon my French, but we all know paul is an effing cunt."" "As if that's the bit of the sentence that needed cleaning up there." "I tell you what I think we're shit at as a nation." "We're terrible at languages." "would you agree?" " (several) Yes." " The British are terrible at languages." "I think that's why at one stage we had an empire." "I think our arrogance got us an empire." "We got ships and went off round the world, trying to buy stuff to bring back to show off." "That's what you do on your holidays." "We arrived on the shores of a foreign land." "We got out the boat and said, "I'd Iike to buy some spices, please."" ""I'm getting nothing here, Jeremy."" ""Say it a bit louder."" ""Right you are." "(Shouts) "I'd Iike to buy some spices please." ""still nothing."" ""I'II fetch the muskets, we'II build a railway." ""In 200 years they can have a call centre."" "An abridged version of empire, but that's what happened." "I've got another story about how bad we are at languages." "I was doing material last year about the rioting all over Paris." "French people, rioting - it's funny." "(French accent) "Quick, Pierre, they have a water cannon." ""If we're not careful, we'II be washed."" "I wanted to check I hadn't offended anyone so I said, "Are there any French people in?" Someone shouted, "Si, senor."" "I thought, "That's a new kind of stupid."" "Cos it's Spanish." "My favourite story of last year concerned an Oxford student walking home one night." "He sexually harassed a police horse." "Not like that." "That would be my favourite story ever." "But he was." "He was walking home one night and he called the police horse gay." "That was his crime." "If ever there was a victimless crime, that's it." "calling a police horse gay." "For a start, there's nothing the matter with being gay." "secondly, it's a horse." "It can't understand." "thirdly, even if by some miracle it could understand," "I think the horse would be OK with being called gay because I think a horse would be fairly sexually seIf-confident." "I mean for a start it's hung like itself." "But the policeman didn't let it go." "He got off, arrested the man, took him to the cells overnight." "He was fined ?" "70 through the courts for calling a police horse gay." "I wish I'd been his lawyer." "I would have got him off." "Because in his defence the horse was standing naked on all fours in the street." "With a uniformed man on his back." "That is quite gay." "You're gay, right?" "You're so far in the closet you're having adventures in Narnia." "Don't get me wrong." "I thoroughly approve, it's a lifestyle choice." "The wrong choice." "No, if God didn't approve of homosexuality, he would've sent a plague to wipe them out." "Oh, easy!" "If anyone's offended, I refer you to my earlier comments about not believing in God and then respectfully request you fuck off." "It's only a joke." "Jokes are fine." "Proper homophobia isn't fine." "I don't like it when the tabloids are homophobic." "They're an important part of our culture, tabloids." "When they get it wrong, it sends a bad message." "Do you remember last year when they outed a footballer?" "Which is a terrible thing to do." "In the article, where they outed this guy as a homosexual, they described consensual oral sex between two adults, yeah?" "Two fellas sucking each other off." "They described that as a prank." "How demeaning to homosexuals is that?" "To have that act of lovemaking described as a prank." "It doesn't work from the other point of view because I think of myself as something of a prankster." "But I don't think I've ever said, "Haaaa!"" "Gotcha!" "(Man) You forgot the balls." "(2nd man) Forgot the balls." "Don't forget the balls!" "bless you." "You really do care." "Whereabouts are you from, sir?" "(Man) New York." "What are you doing over here?" "Do you mind me asking?" "I came here for work..." " You moved here for work?" " Yes." "What sort of work do you do?" "I'm not suggesting I need to see your papers, but..." "What are you bringing to the party?" "Finance IT." "Finance and IT, I can't really think..." "Is that cashpoints?" "You're looking..." "ATMs." "It's our language." "You fucking ruined it." "(Laughter and cheering)" "Ooh." "Yes, next time you have a fight with someone, stop getting us involved." "You're getting blamed for everything." "Go on, you can..." "If it weren't for us, you'd be speaking German." "(Audience) Ooh!" "Sorry, if it wasn't for you we'd be speaking German?" "How little do you know about our language abilities?" "There's no way we'd have picked it up in 60 years." "One area of Iife where comedy lets me down all the time is greeting cards." "I Iove sending cards to people but can never think of anything funny to write in them." "So I thought, "I'm a professional comedian, I'II give it some time and effort," ""come up with things you could put in cards."" "It might help next time when you're in that spot." ""Life is pain, misery and suffering." ""An inevitable march towards death." ""Happy 5th birthday Kate."" ""By the time you read the end of this sentence" ""you'II have forgotten the first half, but what the hell." ""Have a great 87th, Grandma."" "Office cards are difficult." "Leaving cards especially." "You have to sign it, everyone in the office." "What do you write?" "especially if you don't know the person." "obviously it doesn't matter cos you're never gonna see the fucker again." "Here's what I recommend. "We never had a chance to get to know one another," ""but I've noticed you in the office and have a feeling we'd get on together." ""How about a drink?" "Maybe dinner?" "Who knows where it might lead?" ""Good luck with the baby."" "obviously the worst kind of card you can come across is the whip-round card." "It's a fucking nightmare." "A big envelope comes round, bit of change in the bottom." "Who starts it?" "No one likes it." "I've got a theory it's the person who the whip-round is for." "It's a whip-round for Jimmy." "I thought you were Jimmy." "No." "Here's what you should write in the next whip-round card." ""You don't know me but I got bullied into putting five pounds in your collection" ""because I didn't have any change and people were watching." ""So fuck you."" "(applause and cheering)" "For what it's worth, this is my favourite thing that I've ever written in a card." ""No one wants to die alone, tied up in a shed having been tortured for days." ""So be my valentine."" "Anonymity is key to the success of that." "valentine's is easy." "You just need to get a card with a couple of hearts on it and go for the traditional message." "I tend to go for, you know, the really oId-fashioned... sentiment." ""I Iove you." "There, I said it." "Now will you please let me do you up the bum?"" "That started a conversation." "Great." "valentine's is weird cos it's the one day of the year where you get anonymous mail from a stranger saying, "I'd Iike to fuck you"" "and you go, "Ah..."" "Any other day, that's stalking." "And I found that out the hard way." "Get well soon cards are difficult cos it says it all on the front." ""Get well soon" - that's all you want to say." "So what do you write inside?" "Here's what I'd suggest." ""Or your wife will start looking elsewhere."" "Motivation." "What about when "get well soon" is not appropriate." "Yeah?" "A friend is seriously ill." "Getting well soon would be miraculous." "Getting well at all, we're told, is a Iong shot." "But there was nothing for me in the card shop." "I had to make my own card in the end." "I went with "Die with dignity"." "He's a funny guy." "I think he'II see the funny side." "And if he doesn't, it's not as if I have to avoid him for long." ""world's best dad."" ""If you want to see your kids again," ""leave ?" "10,000 in the bins round the back of Dixons."" ""congratulations on your results." ""Negative." "Who'd've thought?"" ""Good luck in your exam." ""I'm sure it's benign."" "(Audience groans)" "I know you think that's offensive but it's not when you compare it to this." "I know nothing's happened yet." "It's a card." "On the front is a girl throwing her hair back, clearly having a brilliant time." "She's sixteen." "It just says, "You're sixteen."" "Inside I've written, "But it's still our little secret." "Lots of love, Dad."" ""congratulations." "You're 18..." ""Stone." "nearly at your target weight."" "I'm doing a Iot of baby cards cos a Iot of my friends are having babies." "You've got the card when the baby arrives and the one when they find out they're pregnant." ""You're having a baby." ""Thank fuck for that." "I thought you'd been getting fat."" ""You're having a baby." "And that's final." "Yours, the catholic Church."" "Oh, they're sticklers for that kind of thing." ""It's a girl." "Better luck next time." "Lots of love, the Chinese."" "Is anyone celebrating anything this evening?" "Birthday, anniversary, anything going on?" "(Various) Birthday!" "Are you sextupIets or something?" "Who's got a birthday up there?" "Hi." "How old are you?" " Seventeen." " Seventeen?" "Great news" " I'm not going to jail!" "So you're seventeen, what, today?" "No, in March." "March?" "No, sorry, you've misunderstood." "Come and sit with her." "We've, er..." "We've all got birthdays." "At different times of the year." "When someone says, "Do you have a birthday?" they tend to mean now." "They don't just mean, "Were you born of woman?"" "March?" "You can fuck off." " What do you do?" " Erm, I go to school." "No, I meant sexually." "She's seventeen." "That's fine." "It's not fine." "It's deeply creepy." "I Iike the way that woman gave me a thumbs up, though." "Thanks for that." "Yeah, you pop up there and groom her." "I'II be up in a minute, you bloody weirdo." "Has anyone else got a birthday, more legitimate?" "You have." "And how old are you?" " Er, 26." " You're 26 tomorrow." " OK, well, that's..." "What's your name?" " David." "I'II write you a card, David." " What do you do?" " I'm a doctor." "You're a doctor?" "OK." ""Happy...birthday..." ""David."" "I..." "My wrist..." "What's happened?" "(Laughs) How annoyed are you at that?" "Everyone you've ever met." "I've got a terrible rash on my cock." "I'm joking." "It's not terrible." "You'II be fine." "I'II wear a condom." "There won't be a problem." "I'm joking." "I'm not gonna wear a condom." "So you're a doctor." "What kind of doctor are you?" "Er, I Iike paediatrics." "well, I can't say that I approve but I admire your honesty." ""Happy birthday, David." "Don't..."" "I've written in big, "Don't touch them."" "Just a little reminder." "There's a card." "Happy birthday to David." "Round of applause." " (applause)" " Happy birthday." "Erm..." "Have you ever looked at a bill that says "service not included" and thought," ""No, it wasn't, was it?"" "I was staying in a hotel." "I came down for breakfast, I said, "I'II have a continental breakfast."" "The waiter said, "What room are you in?"" "I said, "It's the dining room."" "Sex is always better in hotels." "Have you noticed that?" "Sex is always better in hotels." "Why is that?" "Is it cos it's with a hooker?" " You don't have to what?" " (Man) clean the sheets." " Cos you don't have to clean the sheets?" " (Audience) Ew!" "How are you fucking her?" " That there's a whole..." " Maybe later, Jimmy." "Maybe later." "Oh, I see." "little bit of the bum sex going on." "I think you know when you're doing something bad sexually." "Bad in a good way." "When you think, "We'd better put a towel down before that happens."" "You know you're doing something a bit experimental. "We'd better cover that first" ""cos I've never done this before." "It could end badly." ""I don't know if you're gonna make it, but good luck, love."" "Do you think strippers get home after a hard day undressing and think, "Oh, more work."" "(To The Stripper) d Duh-duh-duh, da-da-duh-duh d" "I realise that's the worst mime of a stripper there's ever..." "I'd love to go to a strip club where they just went like that." "That's my vagina." "Have a butcher's." "Show's over." "I've discovered the worst thing you can say when a stripper is performing." "I was at my friend Toby's stag do and we'd booked a stripper." "But she fell through because she was unwell." "So the agency sent us a replacement." "Anyway, there's 20 of us in a basement in West London watching a girl do some fairly grisly things." "Which I will come to later." "And Lee turned to Harvey and he whispered..." "And I don't know where he learnt to whisper, I'm guessing in a fucking helicopter." "Cos we all heard." "He went, "Yeah." "I heard the fit one let us down."" "(Audience) Ooh!" "It echoed round the room." "That's how big her vagina was." "She was doing some fairly horrible things." "She was doing a thing with a bottle." "I was disgusted." "Red wine with fish?" "(Audience groaning)" "I once went out with a girl who was so fat it felt like I was two-timing her." "I'm joking." "I didn't go out with her." "The big problem they talk about these days is childhood obesity." "childhood obesity." "They say, "These kids are greedy." They're not greedy." "They've just got slow metabolisms." "And very fast chip-eating hands." "There are one million obese children in Britain today." "Do you realise if they all jumped up and down at the same time they might lose a little bit of fucking weight." "I worry these obese children are sending a mixed message to our paedophiIes." "Sure, they're easier to catch." "But who wants to fiddle with a fatty?" "The sex offenders' register." "I'm not even sure they should be in school." "Screaming in bed, ladies, that's all very well." "Fine." "Express yourself." "But why does it always have to be the same thing?" ""Aah!" "You're on my hair!"" "well, maybe if you got a brazilian, this wouldn't happen." "Buying presents for women's a nightmare." ""Can't do flowers or chocolate again." ""I'II go for lingerie."" "Mum was livid." "Men think about sex every seven seconds." "Which I think makes talking to your dad creepy." "people say the book's always better than the film." "I can think of loads of film that are much better than the book." "Cum-guzzIing sluts." "I must have seen that film 100 times." "It's much better than the book." "That's all stuck together and it smells funny." "(Groaning and applause)" "AppIauding that, you should be ashamed of yourselves." "Size isn't important, it's what you do with it." "would you agree, ladies?" "(Emphatic woman) No!" "There's a lady over there that likes a big cock and doesn't care who knows it." "Sorry, it's quite possible you just whispered that and it picked up an echo." "I've just always thought that's such a retarded expression." ""Size isn't important, it's what you do with it."" ""I was planning to pop it in your mouth and your vagina." "How's that?" ""Is that gonna be a total waste of time?"" "I Iike it when ladies get tattoos." "Have any ladies in here got tattoos?" " Yeah." " What have you got?" " A vent." " A what?" " A vent!" " You've got a vent?" "I think that may be the crudest term I've ever heard for a vagina." ""I've got a vent."" "well, if you're particularly gassy, I suppose." "Whereabouts is this vent?" "On my arm." "On your arm." "You've got a vent." "You have by all accounts got some sort of vent." "Fucking go, girl!" "Nothing says feminine like air-conditioning equipment." "Nothing says, "I'm hot" like, "I need a fucking vent." ""That's how hot I fucking am."" "Anyone got one on the small of their back?" " (Woman) Yeah." " What have you got?" " A football symbol." " A football symbol?" "Yeah." " would you Iike to see it?" " What, sorry?" " I said, would you Iike to see it?" " Yes, I would." " (Cheering)" " Let's have a look." "A football symbol." "What is it?" "It's gaelic football." " It's gaelic football?" " Yeah." " Irish football." " I know what GaeIic football is." "How come you've got that there?" "Did you do the whole team and you got a bonus?" "I don't know!" "It's just it's always struck me it's a lovely place to get a tattoo." "When you ask ladies why they get a tattoo there, they say," ""I got one there because it's just for me and my partner."" "Or partners." "But my question is, if he's looking at that, he's already having a good time." "The last thing he needs is more visual stimulus." "What you've basically got on your lower back is a target." "I Iike tattoos there, so I'm trying to convince my girlfriend to get one." "I want her to either get, "If you can read this, you're fucking me."" "Or, "Now wash your hands."" "I'm thinking of getting a tattoo just there, across there, just above the Speedos, just above the "banana hammock", saying, "Caution - choking hazard." ""Ages 16 and up." ""May contain nuts."" "One in three people fantasise about group sex." "Three in one people is group sex." "I'm not in favour of all kinds of group sex." "I'm not in favour of the two guys, one girl threesome." "For the very simple reason" " I never want to see another man's happy face." "Because women when they orgasm look beautiful, serene, full of Iife." "I've seen it in magazines and films." "But men when they orgasm look as if they're drinking vinegar through their eyes." "Fucking hell." "Anyone been involved in that kind of caper?" "Has anyone had the two-guys-one-girI threesome?" "(Man laughs)" "What?" "Have you been involved in that kind of caper, sir?" "You're not willing to say." "What was it, three fellas?" "(Man) My brother has." "Your brother has." " What happened, sir?" "tell us." " We started drinking and it just happened." " You started drinking and it just happened?" " Yeah." "I got hammered." "You got hammered?" "Did you?" "What, the guy missed?" "I'm looking at you, sir." "And I'm guessing you've never been with a woman but you made up a story." "I don't know." "My question is, I don't know what the etiquette would be." "You know." "Cos..." "Do you change ends at haIf-time?" "I think it wouId take more willpower than I have not to high-five the other fella." "Nice work." "I think if you were a gentleman you would change ends." "Because, you know, she's got enough to be thinking about." "I can't even do that." "Let alone "Waaah!"" "There's cocks everywhere." "Aagh!" "I saw a thing in the paper a couple of months ago." "It said if you're filling in an application form these days for a job, for university, anything where you have to fill in a form, they don't care about qualifications." "They want someone with a sense of humour." "I thought, "I couId help think of funny things to put on forms."" "Anyone applying for a job or anything?" " What are you applying for?" " (Woman) Teacher." "To be a teacher." "Ooh." "I read a thing that said the best teachers, who graduate top of teacher training, go and teach at special needs schools." "I couldn't help thinking, "Isn't that a bit of a waste?"" "What are they gonna get, a better standard of potato painting?" "well, this might help if you're getting your CV together, you never know." "educational qualifications - you've got to kick off with that." "I went to boarding school, I was a day boy." "I think that's what they were shouting." ""I got a double first at Cambridge." ""First person to get their balls out in choir practice," ""first person to be hospitalised by a chaplain." "personal statement." "That's an annoying thing." "You've filled in a CV and an application form, then they make you write an essay about yourself at the end." "Here's my personal statement." "You can borrow it if you Iike." ""I've got tiny balls." ""balls like marbles." ""Is that personal enough?" ""I shave them." "There, I said it!"" ""What do you expect the position you've applied for to involve?"" ""endless meetings, a few months of keeping my head down," ""a fight with the boss at the Christmas party, a drunken sexual dalliance with a colleague," ""some sort of harassment tribunal followed by a swift departure."" "little bit of realism there, little bit of truth for you." "I applied to be in the police." "Any policemen in?" "Undercover, I see." "well, they've got a great form, the police." ""What's your greatest personal achievement to date?" they ask." "I said, "I've stolen over ?" "16,000 of stationery without getting caught."" "What I used to do is take all the Post-It notes and pens and pads and ink cartridges and laptops - stuff you're gonna nick anyway." "Instead of nicking it in my bag or my coat, what I used to do is get all that stuff, put it in a box, then when it was full, take it to the post room," "and have them deliver it to my house." "It was fucking brilliant." "Not only did you get the stuff you were gonna steal anyway, you also got kind of a Christmas surprise two days later." ""A package, for me?" ""Who could have been so kind?"" "It was me!" ""What do you consider your greatest weakness?"" ""I demand too much of myself and others." ""Either that or whores."" ""How much alcohol do you consume over a seven-day period?"" ""How do you possibly expect me to remember?"" "I mean, last month ASDA did a two-for-one on malibu." "I lost a fortnight." ""Have you ever misused any illegal substances?"" ""Yes, I once accidentally snorted heroin thinking it was cocaine."" "I'm not proud of that but it happened." "Best to be honest." "This is a sad state of affairs." "But this is the Iast question on the police form." ""Are you a racist or have you ever been a member of the BNP?"" "I've said, "No, but I'm a fast learner and I'II do anything to get this job."" "We all saw that documentary." "Hmph." "I applied to work at Starbucks, the posh coffee shop, cos I'm in there every day anyway." "I thought I might as well." ""Do you enjoy working as part of a team?" they ask." "I've said, "absolutely." "I've enjoyed the workpIace-team dynamic." ""It's easier to get away with stuff." ""plus there are those long lunches and the team-buiIding weekends" ""where you get to make a raft and finger each other and that."" ""When was the Iast time you received great customer service" ""and why was it so memorable?"" ""I was with a wonderful prostitute the other night."" "seriously." "She had a vagina like a mouse's ear." "I imagine that would mean she could hear you coming." "(clears throat) Sorry." ""Where did you hear about this role?"" "well, you can't just say, "Steve told me."" "You've got to dress it up a bit." "Here's my version." "feel free to use it if you need it." ""well, I had just returned from teaching the Harvard MBA." ""My wife ScarIett Johansson and I" ""were entertaining our good friend Professor Stephen Hawking" ""who had come to ask my advice on his latest theory of evolution of the universe." ""He and I were in the library" ""browsing through my latest translation of Etruscan hymns into middle FIemish." ""He said" " I'II never forget this - Jimmy, there's a job going at Starbucks" ""and I think you'd be perfect for it." ""only he said it in his hilarious DaIek voice."" "I applied to be in the fire service." "They've got a good form." "They asked, "What skills do you possess that you can bring to the fire service?"" "I said, "I'm good at playing pool," ""sitting on my fat arse, collecting for Comic relief and plumbing." ""If anything, I'm overqualified."" "I realise if my house burns down, they'II bring marshmallows." "That's fine." "They also ask, "What's your greatest personal achievement to date?"" "I said, "When I was 1 4, I just managed to suck the very tip of my winkie."" "well, we've all tried." "It's no one's proudest moment." "unless of course you've succeeded, in which case, well done." "well, we have all tried, ladies." "You're looking at me like you don't believe me." "Let's do a sociological experiment." "gentlemen, if you have never tried to fellate yourself - suck yourself off " "I was saying what it meant, I wasn't saying, "Suck yourself off!"" "That wasn't an order." "gentlemen, if you've never tried to fellate yourself, raise your hand now." "(Jimmy laughs knowingly)" "That's my favourite bit of the show." "It's the couples that have been together a while I Iike best." "It's the woman initially going..." ""He said put your hand up." "He never listens."" "And then the slow look of realisation." ""You're optimistic." "You can't even touch your fucking toes."" "Quite a few of you have got your hands up." "Did you all have a go on each other's?" "I Iike the way you guys" " I presume you're someone's dad and then all the kids there..." "OK, so you've got Dad and kid, kid, kid." "Kid, kid." "And it went basically, Dad put his hand up, and then son went, "Yeah"" "then the next one went, "Yeah"." "Then the next one definitely went, "Yeah, I've never done that."" "Down the line." "It was like a domino effect." "But with horrible lies that make the baby Jesus cry." "Even the little baby Jesus tried to suck his own cock, come on." "Can you say that?" "Yeah, sure you can." "Why not?" "Prince can suck his own cock." "And by that I mean Prince can suck his own cock, I've had it with him." "Why did you leave your previous job?" "Tricky - you can't just put embezzIing." "I said, "I needed a new challenge." ""And after you've fucked the boss's wife, where else is there to go?"" ""What will you bring to the job?"" ""I'II be bringing my sister's kids with me on Tuesday afternoons." ""When she's doing aquarobics."" ""Give an example of when you've used initiative."" "I've got a couple in case you don't like the first one." ""There was a fight outside the pub when I was 1 7" ""between two massive tattooed blokes." ""One of the men was knocked on the pavement unconscious." ""I seized the opportunity and kicked him in the face."" "In case you didn't like that, I've got another version for you." ""I got ID made up saying I'm from the gas board." ""It's not very convincing but then pensioners don't have great eyesight." ""And if she can't see the ID is fake then does she really need a telly?"" ""Describe yourself in three words."" ""Smart, dynamic, intelligent, attentive."" "(Whispers) That's four." ""Do you have any special needs?" They ask this on quite a Iot of forms now." "I've written back, "N-urrrrghrrrr!" "You've got special needs!"" "Note the correct spelling of "n-urrrrghrrrr"." "I've got a Iot of growing up to do." "And last one, "How long is your notice period?"" ""I usually notice stuff almost immediately."" "Women think men will piss in the sink if the toilet's busy." " Do you think that?" " (Women) Yes." "bullshit." "We'II piss in the sink if it's nearer." "Train toilets are disgusting." "I wrote to complain." "well, I say that." "I scrawled, "This is disgusting"... on the mirror in shit." "But the sentiment was there and that's the important thing." "I don't know if anyone else has this but my girlfriend tells me about her day in real time." "Sex can get monotonous in a relationship." "Same person, every month." "I remember the first girl I ever held." "You never forget your first hostage." "I tell you what's embarrassing." "Getting your cock stuck in the files of another man's trousers." "(Woman laughs loudly)" "could you move around a bit?" "I think you're encouraging the others." "What's your name, madam?" " Gemma." " hello, Gemma." "Hi." "Any chance you could just pop the Chinese love balls out for a minute?" "You seem to be teetering on the edge of orgasm at all times." "I've seen it in films." "I know." " What do you do, Gemma?" " I'm a cheerleading coach." "You're a cheerleading coach?" "The easiest job in the world." "I think if I'm not mistaken there's a new name for cheerleading coach." "Don't we call it "grooming" now?" " So who do they cheerIead for?" " Um, well, um..." "I have a squad called the Fury Jams." "You have a squad called the what?" " The Fury Jams." " The Fury Jams?" "Is that a term for menstruation?" "Sorry, there's a cheerleading squad called the Fury Jams?" ""You all right, love?" "No, I've got the Fury Jams."" "And you teach people to cheerlead?" "Yes, Iike, throwing people up in the air..." " These are grown adults?" " No." "I've got, um, children ages ten to 16." " Ten to 16." " Yup." "And you get them to..." "well, it's not just pompoms and showing your bottom." "I'm pretty sure it is." "I'm no expert." "I know there's more showering than you would imagine." "Has anyone else got any cheerleading DVDs?" "I'm something of a connoisseur." "I have a collection." "And mainly they like to get sudsy." "Let's move this along." "But lovely to meet you with your hilarious laugh." " It's infectious." "Thanks for coming." " Thanks." "And thanks very much for cheerleading." "Thank you for helping our young people go..." "It's valuable work you do." "I've got a tip for you." "If you get stopped by the police in the car and they do the usual thing of getting you to wind down your window and say," ""Excuse me, sir." "Do you know why we stopped you?"" "Don't say, "Ah, did you forget?"" "They fucking hate that." "I'm actually a very good driver." "Last year I got 25 points." "My maths teacher always used to say," ""Show your working out."" "So in maths, I'd always wear a vest." "My best friend at school was asthmatic." "For a laugh, I'd hide his VentoIin inhaler." "Oh, what a wheeze!" "I had a friend that used to seIf-harm because he was bullied." "I used to think, "Whose side are you on?"" "I tell you who I blame for all the drugs in schools." "The supply teachers." "Are there any goths in today?" "Any goths?" "No goths in the audience." "Oh, there's one." "hello, goth." "How are you?" "I Iove the goths, don't get the wrong idea." "Whenever I see a goth walking down the street, I don't see one person." "I see two disappointed parents." "Thinking, "He used to be such a lovely boy." "Now he looks like a slutty girl."" "I'm not having a go at young people." "Some young people have genuine problems." "Some young people have terrible skin." "I had a pizza delivered last week." "I thought the guy's face was a special promotion." "In fairness, it did look delicious." "It was all cheesy and bubbly and whatnot." "(Groans of disgust)" "If you have bad skin, look on the positive side." "It's nature's own condom." "school exams are a Iot easier these days." "A Iot easier than when I was at school." "Apart from history." "That's got harder." "More things have happened." "When I was at school when I was 1 7 my mate Anthony on his 1 7th birthday brought in a 125cc motorbike." "He thought he was the dog's bollocks." "He came in." "We all went, "It's really dangerous, mate." "Be careful."" "He went, "Dangerous, whatever." "Think how many birds I can pick up with this."" "I thought, "well, unless you join a stunt team, one."" "There's a thin line between Neighbourhood Watch and becoming a vigilante." "It's a line you cross when you buy a cape." "Do you know there's now a warning if you buy a superhero costume." "It says on it, "This costume does not give you special powers." ""Or indeed the right to see your children."" "Kids say the funniest things." ""please don't hurt Mummy."" ""She's already dead."" "Are there any mums in?" "By shouting out, who's a mum?" "(Various women) Yes." "Proper ones, not just the ones that have done it to get a flat." "I'm kidding." "We all love mums." "Mums are great." "They're the great unsung heroes of our society." "They do so much for so little." "What do mums ever get?" "Not even a thank you." "Just Mother's Day." "Mother's Day's rubbish, isn't it?" "A TobIerone from the garage." "Or some flowers from a lamppost." "What?" "It's all right to give your mum flowers from a lamppost where there's been an accident." "Cos if you think about it, you wouldn't do that if she'd brought you up a bit better." "It's her fault." "One of the major supermarkets is trying to redress the balance." "They've decided to have a Mum of the Year competition." "Mum of the Year to sort of, you know, just reward ordinary, everyday mums." "acknowledge, you know, all the good work mums do." "The only thing I would question about their charitable endeavour is the massive banners they put outside superstores saying, "Enter your mum today."" "I mean, fair enough, if she's up for that, she deserves something." "Might I suggest a call from social services?" "Sugary tea was my mum's cure for everything." "Her elixir of Iife." "If you had any kind of problem, emotional, physical, financial, it wouldn't matter, she would say," ""Come in, I'II make you a nice, sweet cup of tea."" "Which was fine until we found out my brother was diabetic." "Being diabetic's a pain in the arse cos it's a mid-range illness." "It's not a cold." "It's more serious than that." "But it's unlikely to kill you and it won't get you into the paralympics." "Mid-range." "You've got to search for the positives with the mid-range things." "The positive thing about being diabetic is of course you can kill yourself with sweets." ""I'm going to end it all." "Pass the sherbet Dip Dabs."" "It might just cheer you up enough not to fucking bother." "I've got a haIf-brother." "Same Mum and Dad, but he's a hermaphrodite." "I had a run-in with a transsexual." "Not your classic, you know, "I went to Amsterdam and I met someone in a bar" ""and one thing led to another and we ended up back at the hotel" ""and, you know, had a few drinks..." ""ho, ho, ho!" ""Hm, hm, hm!" ""well, I've paid now."" "Not like that." "No, what happened was this transsexual, this person that used to be a man and is now a woman, came to help us out on a show." "She, er..." "They'd done a brilliant job surgically." "She looked brilliantly like a woman." "But if you're born a man there are certain things you will maintain." "Certain masculine traits you will always have whatever the surgeons do." "She came into the green room where we were hanging out before the show." "Very demureIy in high heels and said, "Excuse me, where's the powder room?"" ""You can't miss it - down there on the right."" "She said, "Oh, thank you very much."" "Very demureIy tottered out on heels." "Just as she was leaving the room, she picked up a paper, put it under her arm." "Most bIokey thing in the world." ""I've had a big lunch, I'm off for a massive shit."" "What I'd Iike to do now, ladies and gentlemen, is help you." "I'd Iike to become an agony aunt." "To that end, I went and looked in lots of magazines at the agony aunt column." "They're all genuine letters." "I went through and thought," ""could I do better agony aunt answers than their agony aunts?"" "And I think in many cases, yes, I bloody can." "I'II take you through some examples then maybe you could share your problems." "And I will do my best to sort them out." "Of course I will." "AII you've got to be to be an agony aunt is considerate and caring." "Compassionate." ""My boyfriend loses his erection as soon as he goes anywhere near a condom." ""We have loads of foreplay and he gets really hard" ""but as soon as he tries to put one on he loses it." "What can we do?"" "Karen in cleethorpes." "Their response was, "Have a kiss and a cuddle, try again in 15 minutes."" "Good luck with that." "She's not getting any better-Iooking." "I've gone for this as an answer." ""In situations such as these, it's easy to put the onus of blame onto the male." ""This can cause enormous trauma and place unnecessary strain on a relationship." ""Therefore it's worth reminding you it's often the woman's fault." ""The penis is, if you will, a barometer of sexual attraction." ""If you do not meet its high standards," ""you will go without the sex you so cravenly demand." ""Having said that, here are some tips that might help." ""If your boyfriend wears glasses, perhaps suggest he takes them off for sex."" "simple but effective." ""Instead of using condoms, why don't you go on the pill and have weekly AIDS tests?" ""If you do get AIDS, Lemsip can help or you could just walk it off."" "This next one's from Woman's Own magazine." ""I've been with a lovely man for six months." ""He's just confessed to me that he likes to dress up in women's clothes" ""and I'm horrified." "I feel so let down that I don't know if I can cope."" "That's from Jackie in dunstable." "I've written back." ""Pot kettle black, Jackie!"" ""Do you dress as a woman?" ""I bet you fucking do, you hypocrite!" ""Regards, Jimmy."" "This one requires a bit of maturity from everyone." ""My boyfriend isn't really into having me perform oral sex." ""He says he's just too sensitive and it doesn't feel as good as intercourse." ""I've asked my other guy friends and they tell me it's weird" ""because all guys like to receive oral sex." "Are they right?"" ""I'm starting to wonder what's going on."" "well, I've written back." ""If you can't suck a cock, I don't know how to help you." ""Have you tried practising nodding at people with your mouth open." ""PS, don't neglect the balls."" "This next one is surprisingly succinct when you consider the subject matter." ""One of my vaginal lips hangs lower than the other." ""could surgery even them up?"" "I've said, "Yes, but a cheaper alternative is to live as a spinster."" "On that cheery note, do any of you have any problems you want me to help you with?" "Anything at all." "It can be as mundane as you Iike or as interesting." "(Man) It hurts when I wee!" "It hurts when you wee." "well, the good news is, sir, you have a sexually transmitted disease." "The bad news is you've announced that in a crowded theatre." "Any other problems?" "Oh, you've got a problem." "Since I was little, I've been called Ginger and Ginger Pubes." "Since you were little you've been called Ginger and Ginger Pubes." "well, you are ginger." "What do you...?" "What do you fucking want?" "I can see how that's happened." "It would be a terrible miscarriage of justice if you had dark black hair." "Have you got any advice to beat the bullies?" "Have I got any advice to beat the bullies?" "Find someone weaker than you and try and turn them against him." ""Yeah, you think I'm ginger, look at this cunt."" "I've got no..." "Beating the bullies is a tough thing." "What do they say?" "always stand up to bullies." "Because then it's funnier for everyone else." "That's how the expression goes." "Did your mum tell you that?" "Not really no." "No advice - just lets them do it." "No advice, she just lets them do it?" "Wow, she sounds great." " Is she not ginger as well?" " No." "She's not your real mum." "Is your father ginger?" "No." "Have they told you you're adopted?" "This is a hell of a way to find out, isn't it?" ""How did you find out you were adopted?" ""They tell you when you were six or seven, when you process that information?" ""No, I was at one of Jimmy Carr's DVD gigs." ""And he told me."" "Have a think of some more problems." "Share - it will be good for you." "Or funny for me." "One or the other." "I can never remember which." ""Since splitting up with my boyfriend, I've had a string of one-night stands." ""I always feel cheap and used in the morning and I swear I'II never do it again but I can't seem to stop."" "I've written back - quite an unusual opening to a letter." ""Give me an S, give me an L, give me a U, give me a T."" "(High-pitched whoop)" "Did our cheerleader just go, "Whoo!"" ""Give me an S, give me an L, give me a U, give me a T" and you went, "Whoo."" "d Whoa, go, sluts!" "d" "God bless her." "Erm..." ""seriously, I understand your problem and I empathise." ""could you be more specific with your contact details?"" "This is a letter to Spirit And Destiny magazine, aimed at people that like horoscopes but also believe in witchcraft and ghosts and that kind of thing." "Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?" "(Woman) Yes." "You've seen a ghost." "Extraordinary." "In the magazine there's a term for people that have seen a ghost." "Schizophrenic." "Have you really seen a ghost?" "(Woman) Sort of." "When we were, Iike, 1 1 , me and my friends." " When you were 1 1?" " Yeah!" "Was there ectopIasm?" " No." " And an uncle you'd rather forget?" "Yeah, that's right, you saw a ghost." "That's right." ""Make the bad man stop." "Make the bad man stop."" "Moving on." "This magazine, Spirit And Destiny, is fantastic." "It's got an agony aunt column written by a white witch." "apparently they're the best ones." "little bit racist if you ask me, but... that's the way these people roll." "The letters are fantastic." ""I have a chronic neck problem" ""but several doctors and specialists can't find any physical cause." ""Is it possible that I brought this painful condition forward from a past life?" ""And how can I safely gain access to past lives to find out?"" "I've said, "Yes, it's highly likely you were hanged in the 1500s for being an idiot."" "I've got a question for people that believe in past lives." "would you Iike to buy some magic beans?" "This one was written to Sugar magazine, a magazine aimed at 1 4-year-oId girls." ""I'm a girl of 1 4." told you." ""And I'm deeply in love with my cousin."" "Ooh." "You have our interest." ""We are really close, such as having sex, going out to movies etc."" "That's a hell of a fucking sentence." ""One day, while having sex his sister saw us" ""and she is torturing us and saying she will tell both our parents" ""and we are 100%%% sure our parents will not approve." "please help."" "I've written back. "I say go for it." ""Cousins fucking - why not?" ""Your freakish offspring are the closest we'II ever get to real superheroes." "Think about it." "If people like that don't have sex one day we may run out of channel 5 documentaries." "This is quite sad." ""I was sexually abused as a child" ""and I'm worried that my personality and history will lead me to abuse others."" ""Have you thought about a career in the catholic church?"" "Any CathoIics in?" "Stop touching kids." "I was raised catholic." "What used to annoy me was all the standing up, sitting down and kneeling." "I wished the priest could just pick a position and fuck me." "Who else has got a problem they'd Iike to share?" "(Man) I can't stop wanking." "You can't stop wanking." "Do you mean you do it a Iot or you can't ejaculate?" " I do it a Iot." " Cos that's how I know I've finished." "If a special white wee-wee comes out the end." "I immediately turn off whatever I was watching." "Catch a glimpse of the reflection in the TV and think, "Aw, grow up."" " So you masturbate a Iot, do you?" " Yeah." "Right." "How many times a day are we talking?" "Er, four, five?" "Four times a day?" "Have you considered giving into it and becoming a sex offender?" "clearly that's the road nature is pushing you down." "So four times a day." "Are you in a relationship?" "Is that your girlfriend?" " No, I'm gay." " You're gay." "But I've always just thought if you're a gay man, it's sort of easier if you just want sex to pick someone up." "Yeah, sure." "But you can't always be arsed." "You can't always be arsed?" "well..." "You could go on top sometimes, couldn't you?" "I think that's fine." "You sound particularly healthy." " How old are you?" " 20." "20?" "Oh, no, 20's pretty reasonable." "Yeah." "I think when I was your age, I was knocking a few out a day." "I think we all were." "So we've got a little focus group of young men there." "Let's just find an average here." "You're young fellas in your prime." "How many are you rubbing out a day?" "What?" "I'm only asking." "You're not prepared to say." "How many?" "Five?" "Oh." "I don't know if there's any other men in their 30s thinking, "Oh, for fuck's sake!"" ""There I am, thumbing in a softie with a beautiful woman." ""He's watching a bit of blue Peter going, 'She's all right!" "Waaaah!"'" "I can't believe it." "There's no fucking justice." "Good on ya." "Erm..." " (Woman) I have a question." " Go on." "Why are wiIIies so ugly?" "How can you make them prettier?" " Why are what so ugly?" " WiIIies!" "Why are wiIIies so ugly?" "Because you're a lesbian." "(Cheering and whistling)" "That's why." "A few more of these." ""I have a horrid stepbrother." "He shouts at me and my dad all the time and I hate it." ""I want to run away from home." "What should I do?"" "I said, "Yeah, run away from home." ""But the thing about your stepbrother is" ""he's not gonna be as annoying as a Serbian pimp." ""I have terrible period pains every six weeks." ""I suffer appalling mood swings" ""and for the first couple of days I can hardly move with the pain." ""What do you recommend?"" "They said, "Hot water bottle, bed rest and chocolate."" "I've gone for the rather more old school..." ""Have you considered building a shed in your garden" ""where you can hide your shame?"" "This is a great letter." ""I've fallen for my lodger." ""We get on incredibly well and have started sleeping together." ""I'd Iike to take the relationship to the next level" ""but I still need the rent."" "I've got as far as saying, "You've gone from boarding house to brothel."" "Any other last problems?" "Anyone got anything going on?" " (Man) I'm going bald." " You're going?" "I'm sorry, I can see you and I think it may have happened." "I don't think there's any "-ing" needed." "But that's nothing to be ashamed of, is it, going bald?" "There's not many bald people here." "No, I mean, my audience are quite cool." "But, you know, occasionally one of you guys gets in and..." "Do you know why men go bald?" "I read an article in New Scientist." "Men go bald because of too much male hormone." "So my advice to you is to stop swallowing." " Can I join in?" " Yeah, go on." "Your mum keeps calling me asking for sex." "My dead mum keeps on calling you?" " At least twice." " At least twice?" "She's barking up the wrong tree with you, isn't she?" "I'm up for it, mate, if she is." " You're up for it?" " Yes." "well, that's lovely to hear." "Not deterred by finding out she's dead, he's gone, "I'II still do her, yeah."" "It's fine." "That would seem like a rude thing to shout out." ""Your mum's up for it." But I don't mind cos I was warned he was gonna be here." "I knew you were gonna be here cos I was warned by your mum." "No, seriously, she did." "She warned me." "She said..." "She said..." " (Whooping)" " seriously." "(wolf whistle)" "Easy." "She said, "My boy's gonna be at your show." ""He's a wrong 'un." "He'II probably shout something out." "What a cunt."" "I think she was talking to me." "I wasn't the only one there." "And she had her mouth full." "Go on, have another go." "I do this for a living." "I Iove it." "Any other problems or are we all fine?" "final couple of these." ""I met a man who's wonderful and we love each other very much." ""However, I recently found in his cupboard" ""a home-made dildo made out of cardboard wrapped in cellophane." ""Do you think he's gay?"" "I said, "well, it looks bad, but on the bright side he's recycling." ""For two years, I've suspected my dad" ""is having an affair with the next-door neighbour." ""should I confront him about it?"" "I said, "No, first off, look for clues." ""Do the next-door neighbour's kids look like you?" ""Have you been told not to fuck them?" ""Is there a hole in the garden fence?"" ""Are you sure slugs leave a trail like that?"" "Thanks very much." "I saw a story in the local paper that said an 83-year-oId woman was marrying an 87-year-oId man." "I thought, "Ah." ""That's not gonna last."" "I hate it when the news tries to trick you." "You're listening to a song in the car, it finishes, the headlines come on, it grabs your attention." "Something big, bad and important has happened." "You think, "I'd better turn this up and pay attention."" ""20 killed in suicide bomb attack..." (Gasps)" ".."in Basra." well, that doesn't count." "You should have had to say that first." "I went to a pub quiz the other night in aid of Cancer Research." "I found myself halfway through thinking," ""How much closer to a cure for cancer are we getting by doing a pub quiz?"" "Then I thought, "Don't be cynical." "Look at the best-case scenario." ""What if they throw in the question, 'What's the cure for cancer?" "'" ""and someone fIukes it?"" "I've got a question." "child cruelty - good thing, bad thing?" " (Man) It's bad!" " It's a bad thing." "Yeah." "well done, sir." "It's universally acknowledged that child cruelty is a bad thing." "Yet there are adverts on our TVs every day saying, "Don't smack children."" "That's just telling us the blatantly obvious, isn't it?" "They should take some of the money they spent on those adverts telling us not to smack our children and spend a bit on an advert aimed specifically at children simply saying, "Behave."" "Let's face it." "There's no smoke without fire." "No one's putting out cigarettes on children just quietly colouring in in the corner." "Those drink-driving ads are horrific, aren't they?" "They're like 30-second horror films." "My favourite..." "It was two or three years ago and it panned down a hospital corridor to find this man sitting in a hospital bed being fed mushy food by a nurse." "And the voiceover simply said, "This is a drunk driver."" "You end up thinking, "He'd be something of a liability behind the wheel sober."" "Has anyone here ever driven drunk?" "Show of hands." "Anyone?" "You have." "well, I admire your honesty." "I hope nothing bad happened." "Let's face it, there were mitigating circumstances." "You were pissed." "We've all done things we regret when we're pissed." "Some of you may be with one of them this evening." "I hope nothing bad happened when you drove drunk." "If they made an advert about the normal experience it'd be a bloke waking up the next day with an extra 20 quid in his wallet cos he didn't have to pay for a cab." "It would be shocking, but in a different way." "I think people making drink-driving ads should be forced to make an advert aimed specifically at pedestrians." "simply saying, "Pedestrians." ""Watch where you're going." "Some of us have had a drink."" "It costs ?" "165,000 to raise a child to the age of 18 in the UK." "That's why I've sponsored one in Africa." "It's a pound a week!" "One in four African children has a gun." "Think about that." "The other three are fucked." "I tell you what they need in Sub-Saharan Africa." "A LidI." "It's fucking cheap, lidl." "Who can't afford that?" "The most callous thing I heard about famine in Africa was not from another comedian trying to make light of it." "But it was from two ladies in a doctor's surgery in north London." "One of them was looking at the headlines in the paper and it was all about the famine." "She put down the paper and said, rhetorically, "This famine." "It's terrible, isn't it?"" "And her friend, without skipping a beat, went, "Yeah, but they don't get our winters."" "I thought, "Fucking hell, that is harsh."" "Then I'm ashamed to say a small part of me went, "It does always look nice."" "Course the big campaign the Iast couple of years was "Stop Third-WorId debt"." "What I can't understand is how they're getting into debt in the first place." "There's no fucking shops." "What idiot Saturday boy's given a KaIahari bushman interest-free credit on a stereo?" "I still can't understand how the Third world hasn't consolidated their debts into one easy monthly payment." "surely that's the way forward?" "They should get in touch with the good people of Ocean Finance." "Have you seen those commercials?" "They're incredible." "They take 15 of the ugliest people you've ever seen and they all say the same thing down the Iens as if it's taking every ounce of their wit to get this simple sentence out." "They all say, "They made it so easy."" ""They made it so easy."" "And you're looking at it thinking, "They kind of fucking had to." ""If they'd made it complicated, you wouldn't have understood." ""If it had been difficult, it'd have been a bit like work." ""And you don't like that, do you?" "That's how you got into this mess."" "My favourite thing about natural disasters - and I know it's wrong to have a list." "certainly getting it laminated was a mistake." "But my... my favourite thing about natural disasters is the fact that they call them acts of God and then two days later they have a day of prayer." "So they have a day of prayer for an act of God?" "What I want to know is, how does that prayer go?" ""Dear Lord." "What the fucking hell was that all about?"" "half the people that have ever smoked have now stopped." "Which sounds good, but when I say stopped, a Iot of them are dead." "There's nicer ways of saying things, aren't there?" "Saying, "I've got a Iot of nieces and nephews"" "is a nice way to say, "My sister is a slut."" ""She favours the flatter shoe" is a nice way to say "lesbian"." ""Surprise sex" is a lovely term for rape." ""Scared of the dark" is a nice way to say "horrible racist"." ""I'm thinking of launching a fragrance" is a nice way to say, "pull my finger."" "When I was at school, a girl called alice wanked off a dog for three cigarettes." "I know what you're thinking - how did a dog get cigarettes?" "British men have a terrible reputation in the bedroom." "We say the wrong thing." "I remember having a one-night stand with a girl and after sex she said jokingly, "Who's gonna sleep in the wet patch?"" "I said, "You're optimistic." "I'm not staying."" "This is a good story about how bad British men are in the sack." "I've got a friend." "He went on holiday to Ibiza." "He was about 25." "He picked up a girl, got her back to the villa." "They made love underneath the moonlight on the veranda." "Sounds fairly romantic, I think, as a setting." "But he managed to fuck it up, don't worry about that." "She turned to him, she said, "talk dirty to me."" "Or more accurately, "talk dirty to me."" "He had a couple of seconds to think." "OK, gentlemen, just go to the place in your head." "The little RoIodex of dirt." "Next to the wank bank generally." "You've got something smutty you could get out pretty quickly." "He came up with the following." ""Have some of that, you fat slag."" ""Have some of that, you fat slag."" "Fucking hell!" "I imagine followed pretty quickly by "Why are you crying?"" "In terms of romance, it's right up there with "well, it won't suck itself."" "I'm not saying women aren't as bad." "I once had sex with an australian girl." "She said, mid-coitus..." "whilst fucking." "She said, (Strong australian accent) "Have you sIimed yet?"" "Have you sIimed yet?" "I thought, "It's not fucking Ghostbusters."" "I fantasise about having sex with a gymnast." "Not just because they're bendy and flexible and you can do loads of positions but also because I imagine they do a brilliant dismount." "They end up by the side of the bed like that." "And if they bend their knees even a little bit, you can make them do it again." "80%%% of personal ads say, "Good sense of humour required."" "And the reason 80%%% of ads say, "Good sense of humour required"" "is because everything else in the personal ad is a lie." "You turn up on the blind date, she says, (Gruff) "I know I said I was petite and pretty" ""but you've got to laugh."" ""It also says you enjoy long walks which is handy because you can fuck right off."" "There's a Iot of couples in." "I can see lots around the place." "Have you had the sexual history conversation?" "Not all of you, clearly." "The sexual history conversation happens three, four months into a relationship and the woman says to the man, "I'd Iike to know about your sexual history."" "And the man thinks, "Oh, no, you fucking wouldn't."" "But the woman doesn't ask once - she keeps on asking until she gets a result." "Yeah?" "I had this recently." "I was cornered." "Had the sexual history conversation." "I had to list every woman I'd ever been with from the girl I lost my virginity to, right the way up to her." "And that is where I should have stopped." "Are you all familiar with the Spider-Man?" "Yes?" "(Few) Yes." " The sexual practice." " (silence)" "Don't panic." "I'II explain." "The Spider-Man is a sexual practice whereby you're making love to a woman from behind - that's key to this operation." "You're just about to arrive." "You've got your happy face on." "You look like a turtle shitting." "You pull out, catch, Spider-Man!" "Many of you are looking at me thinking, "Why did he tell us that?" "That's horrible." ""It's aggressive, not romantic or loving."" "But the reason I'm telling you is men are such bad communicators." "especially at times of high emotion like a break-up." "I don't think you need to have that awkward, "It's not me, it's you" conversation again." "Next time, when you think the relationship has run its course, simply, Spider-Man!" "She will either think," ""That was brilliant!"" "in which case she's a keeper... or..." ""This is over, isn't it?"" "well, I've been Jimmy Carr." "Cheers for now." "Thank you." "Thank you." " (Cheering and applause)" " Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Cheers." "Erm..." "Oh, yeah." "I don't know." "Thank you very much." "Right!" "An encore." "What jokes do you want to hear again?" "If you've been in a relationship a couple of years, and the sex is still fantastic but it's got a bit routine..." "You do the same things in the same order." "On the same night of the week or whatever." "It's got a bit predictable, your sex life." "What you can do is the next time you're getting sucked off... pull out, come in her eye and then kick her in the shin." "It's called the pirate." "Arrrr!" "Arrrrr!" "A homeless guy got off the bus." "I thought, "How does he know it's his stop?"" "There's a guy near me sells the Big Issue." "He always goes, "It's my last one." "If you buy this, I can go home."" ""You've not got the point of this at all."" "I'm not in favour of ID cards for the simple reason I don't know how we're gonna pick them up at the post office." ""hello, I've come for my ID card."" ""Have you got any ID?"" "I was in the airport." "Those treadmills they've got are huge." "They're much better than the ones in the supermarket." "I get very seIf-conscious." "I got talking the other day about professional wrestling." "We were talking about the item of clothing they wear in professional wrestling which is an aII-in-one Ieotard called a unitard." "Unitard?" "That sounds like a special needs kid with a horn." "Unitard." "potentially dangerous, cos they'II try to come in for a hug and take your eye out." "That's almost the end of the show." "I had a girl come up to me after a show a couple of weeks ago." "At the stage door, she waited for me." "She looked me boldly in the eyes and said," ""I'm not wearing any panties."" "I thought, "AII right, forgetful." ""I haven't washed me cock." "What a pair!"" "I was walking between the stage door and the car about six months ago." "And there was a girl." "As I was walking, I saw her." "Between two cars, pissing." "I doubIe-took." "On the second take, I made eye contact." "Which is awkward." "And she said, mid-fIow," ""Can I have an autograph?"" "I thought, "If you've got any paper, you need it."" "And then do you know what I did?" "I waited." ""Enjoy the show?"" ""Yeah."" "little bit of a shake." "Nice." "Oh." "It's not the worst thing that's happened after a gig." "In Edinburgh I had a guy come up to me - he was about 100 metres away." "And I just heard this voice, thick Scottish accent saying," ""Sign my penis."" "I thought, "That's weird." "It sounds like that bloke said, 'Sign my penis."'" "Freaky." "And then as he got closer it transpired that not only was he saying, "Sign my penis", he had the little fella out." "What do you say?" "I said, "I couId initial it for you."" "One of my favourite things to do on a busy Saturday afternoon, yeah?" "Is - you know the animal rights people you get in the middle of town?" "They've got a trestle table out in front of the shops and they've got quite grisly posters up of animals in distress." "If you're an animal lover, it is heart-breaking to see." "They've got leaflets and petitions you can sign." "They've got four main posters wherever you go." "There's an emaciated dog in a tiny cage, a cat that's been shaved with wires coming out of it, a monkey missing the top of its head." "You can tell it's still alive from its eyes." "obviously in horrible pain." "And a rabbit with stuff being poured in its eyes to test whether it's safe for us, I'm guessing." "What I Iike to do, if I'm bored, I walk up to that table and go," ""I'II have the one of the monkey, please."" "Thank you so much." "Last joke." "surely the best thing about getting a face transplant..." " Good set-up, isn't it?" " (Audience) Yeah." "It's exciting." "What comes next?" "The punch line." "surely the best thing about getting a face transplant would be turning up at the donor's funeral and going, "Whooooooooooo."" "You've been a lovely audience." "Thank you for coming out this evening and sharing your evening with me." "I do appreciate it and it's my favourite thing about what I do." "I Iove playing live and doing gigs round the country and it's an honour and a privilege." "I realise that even in saying that, I sound a bit middle class and insincere." "I realise when I say, "You've been a great audience." "Thanks for coming out"" "it sounds like, "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah."" "But genuinely, it's a wonderful thing." "It's a privilege." "It's the best thing about my job." "Such an important part of my Iife." "I Iove it." "So let me try and put that in a way that cuts through the showbiz bullshit." "Thank you very much indeed for all the money." "I've been Jimmy Carr." "Thank you very much indeed." "Good night." " (Cheering and applause)" " Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Cheers." "Good night." "Safe home." "Any other last problems?" "Anyone else got anything going on?" " (Man) My dog just died." " Your dog just died?" "(Audience) Aah." "Hm." "What's...?" "well, that's very sad, sir." "specifically what's the problem?" "Do you not live near a canal or...?" "Do you suspect your Korean neighbours?" "What did he die of?" " Cancer." " Cancer." "brilliant." "brilliant." "well, we'd already got a dead animal." "And now we've parlayed cancer into this so this is comedy fucking gold." "I mean, I can't see this not making the final cut on the DVD, sir." "I can not see a world where a dog dying of cancer..." "Cos if there's one thing I know about the British public, it's cancer dead dog jokes, they fucking love 'em." "Thanks for your help." "It didn't get cancer from a paedophile by any fucking chance, did it?" "Has anyone got a slightly less depressing problem?" "(Laughter)" "Daddy, can you help me with my homework?" " Can't your mum do it?" " She's out." "Ooh!" "Are you scared she's going to find out you can't read?" "Yeah." "This is crazy." "I've been hiding this all my Iife." "It's about time I did something about it." "I couId do some classes or something." "seriously, mate, why bother?" "You're 40 years old." "You're learning how to read." "What's the best-case scenario?" "You're not gonna become a doctor or a lawyer." "You're gonna find out who came tumbling down a hill." "It's gonna be four years before you can read Andy McNab." "If I can't learn to read, why don't I do some basic maths?" "help me get out of debt." "Why bother?" "If you've got a problem with numeracy, you don't have to worry about debt, do you?" "You just pop down to the bank, once a month, and ask the manager to draw a smiley face or a frowny face." "OK, great." "Thanks." "If you've got a problem with literacy, you're probably having difficulty reading this," "But there's plenty of help available, So ignore your gremlins," "To be honest, the reading is the least of your worries." "If you can see me, you've got proper problems." "If you're gay and up for fun, why not call Bentchat, where hundreds of hunky guys are waiting for your call?" "They're all bent as nine-bob notes," "So if you're gay, and you've tried it with a woman but it wasn't for you, and this isn't just a phase, and you're not just doing it to get back at your mum and dad, then call Bentchat," "I don't know why you'd call us," "I mean, you know, surely the major benefit of being one of the homosexuals is the ready availability of cock," "Don't you live near a park?" "No, seriously, do phone us, though, and we'II talk you through a gay wank!" " (giggling)" " How long you had that?" "Ages, man. (Muttering)" "(Whispering)" "Stop." "Thinking about having sex?" "well, before you do, there's a few things you need to know." "First of all, pregnancy." "If you get pregnant as a teenager, you can expect a fantastic pad like this." "Make it twins, you get upstairs as well." " And guess what?" " What?" "No rent." "Someone else takes care of that." "So you got the flat sorted." "What about the baby?" "Do you really think you could take care of a baby on your own?" "Course." "It's just like having a big doll." "You've had dolls for years." "You get to dress it in whatever you Iike, or don't even bother." "And you get to call it what you want." "How does Verruca Cystitis sound?" "Or clitoris chandeliers?" "If it's a boy, you could call him Anus Face." "brilliant!" "So, remember, kids." "If you want to show your boyfriend you love him, you'II put out, and you'II put out soon, or there won't be any council flats left." " How old are you, exactly?" " 16." "Together, we can make it to fourth base," "AII the latest ringtones available for download," "dial 001 for the mental Toad," "Bim-be-de-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim- be-de-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim," "Bim-bim-be-de-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim, bom," "dial 002 for little Britain," "Yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but am I bovvered?" "Don't tell him, Pike," "dial 003 for Lord Of The Rings," "Hi, I'm the Chief Ewok, Pick up your phone," "dial 004 for Sarah Beeney," "hello, Sarah Beeney here, Do your house up, you lazy fucking cow," "dial 005 for Dan Cruickshank," "Oh, that's interesting, It's a bit of rubble, Answer your phone," "(Sighs) I'm so hot." "(Sighs)" "hello?" "I need a real man to come over." "I'm hot and wet and... (DoorbeII)" " That was quick." " Sorry, that normally doesn't happen to me." " How can I help you?" " I'm hot and wet and..." "I need someone to fix it." "Right." "well, I'II get started straight away." "unless, you'd Iike a written estimate first, which is probably a more sensible option." "Right." "Erm, this is a little embarrassing." "This is actually about sex and cock and I want sex and cock from you." "That's you putting your cock inside me." "Which means we're having sex." "That's what I want." "Sex." "Right." "So this is about sex, then?" " Yeah." " You don't want me to fix anything?" " No." " Just the sex." "Yes." "Come on." "Do I still get paid?" "I want you to make love to me." " But first..." " Butt first?" "That doesn't sound very hygienic." "But first, I want you to tell me what you're going to do." "I'm gonna diddIe your Ia-Ia." " My Ia-Ia?" " Your foo-foo." "Your lily." "Your secret garden." "Your special lady place." "Your bearded oyster, your vertical smile." "Your love tunnel, your love pocket, your love socket." "Your cock holster." "Your cock dock." "Your cockpit..." "Baby cave." "Cha-cha." "Chuff." "Fur-burger." "Muff, grumble, cooter, hooch, beaver..." "Mimsy, front bum, Daddy's hiding place." " Just get on with it." " Let me get this straight." "You want me to make love to you, basically a stranger, in the middle of the day, on top of the duvet?" " Yes." " And we're not even gonna talk about the potentially disastrous emotional repercussions of physical intimacy before we get to know one another?" " No." " Right, so I suppose there won't be a frank and open discussion about previous partners and sexually transmitted disease?" "We're not even gonna use a condom." "OK." "talk dirty to me." "I'm going to sexually bother every orifice in your body." "Apart from the nostrils and the ears, that is a bit specialist for me." "What I'm gonna do is get my winky, put it in your pinky pissfIaps," " and then I'm gonna bonk you really hard." " Gosh, that's really..." "Yeah, I'm gonna unzip your meat jacket and I'm gonna sick up my sackfuI into your spunk bucket." "I'm gonna diddIe you right." "Oh." "Bonk me." "Bonk me till I can't take it any more." "AII right." "Um..." "Pfff." "That's me." "Listen, can you finish yourself off?" "Cos I'm meeting my mum for lunch." "Um, and we have gone over the hour, so I'm gonna have to charge you for two." "Sorry about that." "Anyway, lovely meeting you." "Sorry." "Oh, a bit clumsy there." "Oh!" "First, we told you What The Romans Did For Us," "Then we gave you a fascinating insight into life in the 19th century, in What The Victorians Did For Us," "Now, in the latest six-part series, the BBC is proud to present," "What The Nazis Did For Us," "Motorways?" "VW beetle?" "The royal family?" "That is pretty much it." "You're not gonna get six episodes out of this." "I'II be honest, I think they did more harm than good." "I'II be going to the toilet in a minute and I'm going to leave my mobile phone right here." "And then I'II be using it again when I step outside the pub." "It's easy to spot, it lights up like a Christmas tree." "I'm not a thief, I'm just working class." "If you leave your mobile phone unattended, it's an invitation to thieves," "I said I'm not interested." "Yes, no, I'm just nearly home, I'm just in my front garden." "Don't use your mobile phone in the front garden," "Anything could happen," "The safest place to use it is inside your own home," "Don't use it in the lounge!" "Anyone in your house could grab it!" "I'm not gonna nick his phone." "The safest thing to do is to get a little table for it in the hallway and attach it to the wall with a cord," "More up-to-the-minute real sound ringtones available for download," "dial 006 for Big Brother," "hello, Preston here from ChanteIIe and Preston, Pick up your phone," "dial 007 for michael Schumacher," "(Robotic voice) Eeeee-yow!" "I'm michael Schumacher," "I'II be back," "dial 008 for So solid," "A'ight?" "One of the So solid Crew here," "Your favourite one, But I can't remember his name, My name," "dial 009 for Star Wars," "Bidi-bidi-bidi, I'm R2-D2, Pick up the phone, Bidi-bidi-bidi," "dial 010 for the bloke from the halifax ads," "hello, I'm the black bloke from the halifax ads," "I may be called gerald, Er, pick up your phone," "dial 01 1 for bird flu," "Whoo!" "I'm colonel Sanders!" "Watch out for bird flu!" "Yeeee-haa!" "Oi." "Have a look at that." "Er..." "Isn't that meant to be hard?" " What?" " well, it's on the slack." "Oh." "Er, right." "Er..." "Sorry." "Is it me?" "Do you not fancy me?" "No, no, no." "No, God, no." "No, it's not that, it's just I've been under a Iot of pressure." " It's a semi." " It's not really a semi." "Are you a real sex offender?" "Yeah." "I'm on the register and everything." "I can do it, look." "could you maybe undo a top button or something?" "Come on." "Give me something to work with." "Let the dog see the rabbit." "Come on." "shall we just leave it?" "It's like the Iast turkey in the shop window." "Can we just give it five minutes and try again?" "I think the moment's passed." "(Woman) If you suffer from erectile dysfunction, call Diamond Cutters where we make your flaccid, lifeless cock, no use to man nor beast, our problem," "call now, before your wife finds a real man," "(Man) This is the house that the little girl played in that she doesn't play in any more," "This is the house that burnt down because her mummy and daddy took the batteries out of the smoke alarm," "But you can see their point," "Because they burnt the toast every day, and the thing would just go off constantly," "And what are the chances of a house fire?" "seriously, it must be a million to one," "When was the Iast time you saw a house on fire?" "Never, That's when," "Smoke alarms, Because smoke kills more people than fire," "although fire hurts a Iot more, so it is up to you," "(Ice-cream van chimes)" "What do you think you're doing?" "Don't cross here!" "You're miles away from the ice-cream van." "By the time you get over there, all they're gonna have left is cider IoIIies." "You wanna get across the road quickly, come with me." "Now, granted, you can't see much, but it is a direct straight line to the ice-cream van." "And remember, if there's a car on the road, it's driven by a professional." "They had to pass a test and everything." "You'II be absolutely fine." "You've got no time to look both ways." "If nothing's coming that way, chances are nothing's coming the other." "Am I right?" "Of course I'm right." "Off you pop." "(Horn bIares)" " (Thud, tyres squeal)" " Oh, Jesus." "That is grisly." "Christ." "I bet that didn't fucking tickle." "Better get a photo of that for YouTube." " (click)" " Hm." "Done." "Remember, don't die before you've lived." "although, look around you." "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "And let's face it, if you've not got the good sense to avoid a car, have we really missed out on the next Einstein?" "I think not." "(Siren)" "Fine." "Hang on, that's not it," "Uh, I tell you what," "If you run, there's less chance of a car hitting you," "And while you're at it," "That's it, Yeah, Oh, another little thing," "It's always a good idea to," "But mostly the Green Cross Code, That's the most important bit," "I can't believe it, Dave." "We've finally discovered harmless, cheap-to-make drugs that will eradicate so many male worries." "One pill to cure baldness, another to enlarge the penis, and our own, cheap Viagra." "Which is handy." "Amazing?" "well, it's not that amazing, is it?" "It is the culmination of study for our six PhDs, and we have been working on it with singIe-minded determination for 20 years." " It's not really surprising." " shall I tell the drug companies we've got the products to end all products?" "No way!" "We didn't start this to make drug companies rich." "If we sell this independently, directly, we could practically give it away, we'd be heroes." "well, we know it definitely works but how are we going to market this stuff ourselves?" "I've got access to a database that lists literally hundreds of thousands of private, personal email addresses." "We could just email everyone." "An unsolicited email?" "That's a brilliant idea." "Everyone loves a surprise." "Let's email everyone in the world!" " Twice!" " A day!" "I don't understand it." "Not a single person's replied." " What are we gonna do?" " well, I don't know." "Maybe we should send more emails." "There were a few spelling mistakes in that last one." "hello, and salutations to my estimated friends." " hello, Mr.." " hello, Mr..." "Has anyone sent in their bank details yet so that I can transfer my ?" "50 million into their account?" "No, sorry." "Oh!" "It's the new detective series for Sunday nights," " And this one's not Iike the rest," " We're on it." "Yes, it's different, because he lives in the city!" " No, the country, - (BIeats)" " (Grunting)" " No, Oxford," "No, not Oxford, That's been done," "Padstow!" "No, I dunno, He's Ukrainian, No one understands him but he gets results," "And he's got a car, but it's different," "It's rental, No, it's diesel," "Yeah, it's slow, but I get 40 miles to the gallon." "No, I've got it, He drives a motorcycle," "With a sidecar," "And he's from Dundee," "In the future," "And his sidekick is a man!" "A woman!" "A,a boy!" "A child, One of those twins that grows inside your stomach," "No, Jodie Marsh," "And there's a twist, He's got Attention Deficit Disorder," " Oh, ice cream." " No, hang on," " He's the cop who always gets results," " Two 99s, please." "But there's always something in the back of his mind," "He's Steve, Hypochondriac," "I've got a funny feeling about this." "It's sort of an ache." "It's right here." "Is that a lump?" "Can you see a lump?" "No, not that, Oh, I know," "It's the new drama for Sunday nights," "He's the Accountant Detective, And he's got a catchphrase," "Something here doesn't add up." "No, I know, No, I've got it, Detective Inspector Bucket," "He always carries a bucket," "Oh, I don't know, Is Rosemary  Thyme taken?" "Christ, I'm clutching at straws here," "StrawcIutcher!" "The detective with straw!" "Oh, for fuck's sake." "Yup, that'II do it," "There you go, love." "Cheers." "Oi." "I bought this DVD off you last week, right?" "The picture quality's terrible and you can't hear half of it." "What did you fucking expect?" "I'm not blockbuster." "We're in a car park and it cost you a pound." "I have to give half of that to international terrorists." "Jog on." "Top celebrity voices are available," "dial 203 for Pete Doherty," "Hi, this is Pete Doherty on drugs," "Or the elephant Man, You've all been,sho kind," "would you Iike to see a picture of my mother?" "dial 007 for nigel mansell," "hello!" "I'm NigeI ManseII," "A Iast-minute gift for your dad, probably!" "dial 009 for Stephen Hawking," "(DaIek voice) hello!" "It's Stephen Hawking," "Pick up your phone!" "Pick up,your phone!" "dial 002 for our new casually racist tone," "(Bad Irish accent) hello dere, would you Iike a curry and a naan bread to the top of the mornin' to pick up your phone?" "dial 004 for the sound of David Bowie watching a child fall out of bed," " (Crash) - (WobbIy voice) d Oh, no d" "On, 'scuse me." "Sir, sorry." "could you...could you help me?" " What happened to you then, mate?" " It was my stag do last night." "My friends took my clothes, dressed me up and handcuffed me to a tree." "And, erm..." "I've been here for hours, it's freezing and there's...there's no one around." "And, er, I'm completely helpless." "So..." "Oh." "Oh dear." "What do you mean, oh dear?" "It's not your lucky day, is it, mate?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Oh, thank God." "help!" "help!" "For the love of God, help." "What's going on here, then?" "My friends dressed me up and handcuffed me to a tree." "They don't sound very much like friends to me, sir." "well, no, and...and then a stranger came along and...and he assaulted me and then he ran off." "He assaulted me anally." "He assaulted you anally and you couldn't get away?" "I was tied to the tree." "There was nothing I couId do." " He could do whatever he wanted." " Oh dear." "Oh dear?" "What do you mean, oh dear?" "It's really not your day, is it, sir?" "Oh, no." "Hey." "hello." "Are you all right?" " Leave me alone." " No, come on, what's happened?" "well, I was tied up here as a prank and then a man came up and he assaulted me." "Oh, goodness me." "And then another man, I think was a policeman, he assaulted me too." "Oh dear, oh dear." " I suppose you're gonna rape me too." " Christ, no." "Come on." "Why would I do that?" "AII right, Iet me try and get you some help, OK?" "AII right, well...well, thank you." "Thank you, you're very kind." "That's a lovely dog." "Yeah." "He likes you." "Oh...oh, no..." "No." "No, get him off!" "Get him off." " Oh, come on, he's only playing." " Oh, Christ." "It's really not your day, is it?" "Bwark!" "(Steve Wright) Jimmy Carr's here." "Jimmy Carr's here!" "He's here." " (applause) - (Jimmy) Thanks very much." "well, thank you for coming." "I always like the applause at the beginning." "Hang on, what if I'm rubbish?" " You'II get a mild applause at the end." " It's OK." "(Steve) It'II be all right, I'm sure." "You've come really prepared today, James." "I've written this book about jokes and I feel like, "I'd better do some homework first."" "It's a book about jokes but it's also a joke book." "(Steve) So it's all right to discuss humour today, is it?" "Yeah, jokes are the basic building block of all our favourite sitcoms and stand-ups and all these different things and people don't really talk about jokes." "(Tim) Won't you give the tricks away?" "You don't want to give too many jokes... (Jimmy) There's a great quote that analysing jokes is like dissecting a frog." "The frog dies and no one's that interested." "And that pretty much sums it up." "(Tim) Is that the point I'm making?" "We don't dissect that many." "It's a book about jokes in a more general sense." "It's got history in there, it's got sociology in there, gender politics, why women don't remember jokes in the same way as men, why they're not as important." "basically because they're not emotionally, you know, a bit slow." "(Steve) Oh, you can't say that!" "You come on here and say that!" "(Tim) We're in all kinds of trouble now." "(Jimmy) No, because women are much better at conversing and showing emotion." "Women are very good emotionally, whereas men are rubbish." "telling someone a joke is a bit like saying, "I Iike you and I'd Iike you to like me" ""and think that I'm funny, nice as a person."" "(Steve) I always think you lighten the mood if you tell a joke, or if you spin out a one-Iiner or..." "It's ice-breaking, isn't it?" "(Jimmy) And it's amazing how much it happens, especially the British." "The British are kind of obsessed, in a weird way, with jokes." "We tell them all the time, they're absolutely everywhere." "There's so many of those little things, the names of shops and little puns." "It's also about children's development and how important jokes are in learning grammar and learning how to interact with other people." "But I Iove kids' jokes." "(Steve) shall I tell you the first joke I ever remember and see if it's in there?" "What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?" ""You're too young to smoke."" "I thought that was hilarious." "(Jimmy) At that age, that's the best..." "I still like certain kids' jokes." "I still love, what's orange and sounds like a parrot?" "A carrot." "Here's a lovely joke." "What's ET short for?" "Because he's got little legs." "(Tim) Are you reading these?" "There's loads of kids' jokes in the book." "That's why." " (Tim) Knock knock jokes?" " Not so many of them cos they're formulaic and they're not as surprising somehow, but we do talk about them and how you initially learn to joke." "And when you see children joking, it's fascinating."