"it'll ignite a whole seven thing." "What's in the box?" "What's in the box?" "John Doe has the upper hand." "I have got to see this movie." "You guys make it sound so hilarious. survived a real dicey safari in Africa." "His takeaway was that material possessions mean nothing." "Including his collection old-ass wine." "The lions came at night." "That put everything in perspective." "dawg." "Ooh." "thank you." "This is perfect." "Cece and I are completely moved into jaipur aviv." "we'll be doing it for the first time on our first night in our first house." "And I'm going to aly's tonight." "Yeah." "000th time 000th night in her... 100th apartment?" "You think aly's lived in 100 apartments?" "I hadn't crunched the numbers on it." "Reagan's out of town till tomorrow." "What are you and Nick gonna do tonight?" "What makes you assume I'm hanging out with Nick?" "I'm sorry." "What are you doing tonight?" "(Mumbles):" "Picking out clothes for Nick." "What?" "I can't hear you." "I'm helping Nick pick out an outfit." "I... we have to nail down his look for socalyalcon 6." "socalyalcon 6." "Wow." "I can't believe it's been a whole year since the last" "Southern California young adult literature conference." "Nick:" "You're a 12-year-old girl." "You spent $35 to meet me." "Is this what you want me to look like? can my name be Daphne?" "♪ ♪ and I combined them." "Tom wolfe:" "White suit." "Hunter s." "Thompson:" "Yellow sunglasses." "David foster Wallace:" "Bandana." "Toni morrison:" "The presidential medal of freedom." "Here you go." "Jess." "it was easy." "You have very few clothing items in your closet." "are those your tax returns?" "And why are you drying beef? and because I couldn't eat all the meat in one night." "Now..." "That's gross." "How do I look?" "What you need is a Navy blazer." "Do you have a Navy blazer or just the pit boss special?" "What kind of a man owns multiple blazers?" "(Snickering)" "Schmidt:" "Ha!" "There's so many places for sex!" "(Moans)" "(Panting):" "All right." "That makes it official." "Houses are way better than apartments." "watch out laundry room." "(Chuckles) (Exhales)" "Know what that sound is?" "Hmm?" "That is the absence of Nick." "The lack of Winston." "(Knocking on door)" "What was that?" "Someone's hitting at our house." "knocking." "but the-the door is that way." "I totally forgot." "We have a back door." "Both:" "Houses have a back door." "(Laughs)" "What kind of person comes to a back door? sir." "A guide to your new neighborhood by Jeremy." "I didn't know you lived nearby." "I don't." "But I will someday." "Just as I will do everything that you have done." "Jeremy." "thank you." "I can't wait to have a servants' entrance." "Let's not call it that." "Two points of entry." "sir." "I just thought of another reason why houses are better than apartments." "Now we can enjoy two points of entry!" "thanks!" "I'm talking about the doors." "I-I didn't mean..." "Aly:" "So a lion scares. and we get so drunk we have sex on a dresser in America." "What a world." "baby." "(Chuckles) that's my fault." "I'm all haunch." "I'll buy you a new one." "You don't have to." "Because guess who has two dressers." "Rip torn." "No." "Me." "you and rip torn." "Stop talking about rip torn." "You have a backup dresser?" "Yeah." "Just when I thought you couldn't get any more perfect." "It's in my... my storage unit." "I-I'll get it tomorrow." "A dresser's pretty big;" "I could help you." "That's okay." "I'll just get it tomorrow." "my day is wide open..." "I said no!" "(Quietly):" "Okay." "A guide to your new neighborhood by Jeremy is very comprehensive." "the fact that we're in between a raisin house and a toothbrush house makes me feel very confident about Halloween." "Crime statistics?" "We have crime?" "Crime that warrants statistics?" "my god." "It says there were 14 home invasions last year." "Up six percent from 2015?" "wait." "W-we're just gonna get worked up about nothing. the front door and the back door and we've locked them both." "we're good." "We're good." "no." "It's fine." "Yeah." "We're fine." "I just..." "Yeah." "Okay." "Okay. should we have sex in the bedroom?" "I think that's a great idea." "(Chuckles) (Clattering) shrieks) The hell was that?" "!" "Are you the criminals?" "!" "From the statistics?" "!" "(Nick groaning) what are you doing?" "Oh!" "I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp." "Really?" "but I'm also pretty impressed with us." "What kind of taco meat you bitches have? our guests would know to come in through the windows." "Our ground floor windows." "You see?" "What started out as snark has become a real eye-opener." "What did you want us to do?" "Ring the bell and wake you guys up?" "no." "Thank god you didn't wake us up." "See?" "I told you they'd be cool." "Ask him." "You were right." "here's my question." "Apologies." "My author look is missing one thing... two button." "I know the blazer." "listen to me. you wake me up." "Thanks." "Okay." "We're gonna have a conversation." "I am a little concerned." "I know." "What if the blazer doesn't fit?" "No." "About you and Nick." "And about how you're being his girlfriend." "You mean being his good friend." "I mean being his girlfriend." "A good friend will maybe drive someone to the mall in the daytime so that they can buy a blazer." "They don't go on a giggly late night crime date so that they can steal one." "That's girlfriend stuff." "You've been doing a lot of girlfriend stuff lately." "blank brown." Five letters." "Bubba." "Okay." "you want to know who wins in a fight between Winston bishop and Winston Churchill?" "do you know what this book's about?" "Bayou n-noir. he's a private investigator... to feel something." "Thank you." "None of that's girlfriend stuff." "That's all good friend stuff." "okay?" "Nick has a piece of lint on his sleeve." "you got some lint on your sleeve"?" "Or do you pick it off?" "you do." "Because you are a rabid watcher of the crown." "I watch a lot of shows." "you know that picking lint off of a man's sleeve is the most intimate gesture." "I just leave it there." "A little piece of lint on his sleeve." "I wouldn't do anything." "What would you just want to..." "Fine!" "I'd want to pick it off with my bare hands!" "my god." "I'm the girlfriend." "I'm so nervous for socalyalcon 6 that I lost my appetite. nothing sounds good." "my man." "You know what actually does sound good?" "The cake you made on the fourth of July." "Would you make it again?" "an American flag sheet cake in march?" "Yes." "It'll be fun." "We'll do it together." "You get to wear this." "Okay." "My favorite apron." "no!" "I'm not doing this anymore." "Anymore?" "We've never made a cake together." "have we?" "I don't remember." "I drink." "not just this." "All of it." "All the girlfriend stuff." "It's not fair." "All right." "Sorry." "I-I didn't know you felt that way." "I..." "But you said unfair." "I did." "I said that 'cause I..." "If..." "I feel it is unfair." "To Reagan." "I'm your good friend." "she should..." "She should get to make you sheet cake." "that makes sense." "I just need to make something clear between us." "If that's okay. right?" "Whoa." "I taught English in Japan for a couple years after college and..." "I fell in with a bad crowd." "It was a time in my life I'm not proud of." "I fell in with..." "With a Japanese game show crowd." "(Speaking Japanese)" "Which one?" "(Speaking Japanese) This one?" "This one or this one?" "I don't understand you!" "(Announcer and crowd chanting in Japanese)" "Okay." "crowd cheering)" "(Announcer speaking Japanese)" "(Shouting in Japanese)" "I did it!" "I did it!" "I did it!" "(Yells)" "I did it!" "I was a ten-time top master champion on protocol of best enjoyment." "These are the spoils." "Question:" "Is that hippo rideable?" "laughs)" "(Whoops)" "Those day laborers were right." "This stuff is awesome." "Why was I so embarrassed for you to see it? then I am worried for you to see what's buried in my storage unit." "I feel like I'm pretty up-to-date on your embarrassing secrets." "honey." "I have chapters in my life you know nothing about." "really?" "Here we go." "I once sold knives door-to-door in high school." "And..." "Byron Allen knocked me out." "the first thing you told me when we met." "yeah. (Laughs)" "I forgot." "here's one from deep in the storage unit." "Way in the back." "I once got my foot stuck in a go-kart." "And I had to..." "Hop six laps alongside of it." "I've been kicked out of multiple focus groups for..." "For crying too much." "and I was with you." "I fell asleep in study hall." "Had a very loud sex dream. and I relayed the story to you." "I fell asleep in a bathtub." "Knew that." "And I once dislocated my thumb getting off a couch. and then we switch." "Jess: (Groans) What was wrong with me?" "Well... (Chuckles) Nothing in this picture." "gorgeous." "Crop and keep." "(Music playing nearby)" "Reagan!" "Hi." "How do you get off a plane and still look dewy as hell?" "I made a deal with the devil some time ago." "(Laughs)" "I'm the blue words." "Too late." "We're going with it." "♪ I picked you out... ♪ welcome back!" "Sorry." "(Chuckles) I don't know why I'm still shouting." "so Nick told me about what's been going on with you two." "Reagan... you listen to me." "The next time I find out that my man has been coming to you for cake..." "I'm gonna take you out." "To dinner." "To say thank you." "(Chuckles)" "Because I hate baking." "(Both chuckle) why wait?" "Why don't we do that tonight?" "um... you don't have to change your relationship with Nick because of me." "I'm not a jealous person." "But thank you for thinking of me." "That's very nice." "You're a really good friend." "And that is why..." "I got you this gift." "expensive jewelry." "(Chuckles nervously)" "Classic friend gift." "friend." "But I don't have anything for you." "Except this nice wink." "And here it comes." "And bam." "(Chuckles) you're really tense." "you don't have to do that." "My-my tension's what drives me." "I want to." "Mm-hmm." "I don't have a lot of friends that are girls." "I think you're my first girlfriend. from high school or college." "Somebody?" "A cousin?" "Winston:" "♪ that much is true... ♪" "Schmidt:" "All 22 points of entry locked." "babe." "Good night." "Mm." "Exhausted." "I know." "I feel so safe." "here's the thing." "(Screams) Devil woman!" "How are you doing that?" "I just had a four-hour dinner with Reagan." "we shared something called "the lovers' pork." "it's getting worse." "I'm both their girlfriends." "Jess?" "Through the doggy door. so I really had to put my head into it." "I don't want to be both their girlfriends." "Why do they both need me so much all of a sudden?" "Both:" "All of a sudden?" "!" "This is why you should tell Nick how you feel." "Even if nothing comes of it." "She came here to see you." "I bet you're reading into it." "What if I go talk to her? you are my gift to Nick." "I'm in." "Have you talked to Reagan about this?" "I bet she'd be awesome to talk to." "Just tell him you believe in him and that he can do it." "Just go talk to Reagan." "work it out." "You know who you should talk to because he could answer is Nick." "No." "No." "Nick!" "my god." "It's not all of a sudden." "They've needed me all along." "Schmidt and Cece:" "Yeah." "Am I the only reason they're together?" "Schmidt and Cece:" "Yeah." "Am I the architect of my own nightmare?" "it's not like you introduced them or something." "they did just get together because she left for jury duty. too cheap to pay for porn." "it's like their relationship is a flood that's about to happen and you're the little Dutch boy with your thumb in the dike." "no more." "I'm taking my thumb out of them." "(Groans)" "Is there anything other than" "Dutch boys or... pandas." "I'm a zookeeper." "They are my panda." "What?" "What?" "Pandas wouldn't be alive without humans. they can't even mate without us." "Have you been helping Nick and Reagan mate?" "yes." "But I'm done." "This zookeeper is through handing out bamboo." "Reagan and Nick deserve a chance to see if they can survive on their own." "and the zookeeper deserves a chance to..." "Be on a late night show with hilarious animals that..." "Poop on the... host's..." "I don't..." "What am I saying anymore?" "I don't know. you... you deserve the right to do what's best for you." "Well... (Sighs) too. making diarrhea on Johnny Carson." "(Winston and aly laughing)" "Trampoline:" "You are number one supreme jumper!" "a million questions but..." "Trampoline:" "You are bouncer of much success!" "we are!" "(Grunts)" "Could you guys stick around for a little bit?" "'Cause I don't..." "Trampoline:" "You soar higher than osprey and crane!" "Yes!" "I don't want to be alone with Nick and Reagan." "Trampoline:" "You are gravity's master!" "He weeps at your feet." "Jess." "We don't have to be at the station till... uh..." "Aly:" "This just says we're ten days from a full moon." "I can't get mine out of scuba mode." "I don't know how to read this." "It's 11:45." "no." "Come on." "emperors of trampoline." "but we got to be at the station in less than 15 minutes." "Oh!" "I just figured out something that you definitely do not know." "I blew my nose once and a bug came out." "We were all there when that happened." "That was at my birthday brunch." "guys." "I can't talk;" "I have so much paper to fold. because guess where you are being whisked away to tomorrow." "(Chuckles) where the only thing hotter than the weather are the gay senior citizens and socalyalcon 6." "we've been talking about how much we appreciate your friendship right? um..." "That's why we got you this." "no." "That is for you now." "No." "This and a necklace?" "(Chuckles) neck ♪" "♪ neck's all loaded up. ♪" "I can't accept this." "expensive." "Money is no object. and even got space radio." "Satellite radio." "the one that connects to everything in the air." "There's a satellite." "the satellite's in the ground?" "the satellite is in the air." "Right." "Space." "In the air." "Yeah." "Satellite radio. because we also took care of that." "You got your very own hotel room." "but it's very private. so there might be a little bit of crossover. it's reading." "You are gonna get so many free bookmarks." "Do I get a per diem?" "Yeah." "What's that?" "doggy door." "Sealed." "Attic." "Padlocked." "Crawlspace." "Uncrawlable." "The cast of sneakers couldn't get into this place." "Uh..." "I guess I'm going to palm Springs." "I just need your big-ass hat." "The front door." "Bye." "25 points of entry is too many points of entry!" "(Door closes) How?" "How?" "!" "don't tell me. all scared of girls." "Wrong." "Cadet isosceles." "Oh. this is just for myself... (Voice fading)" "Wait." "Do you remember when you had to smuggle the golden sextant out of the Paris math academy?" "I do." "I have a mission for you that is even more sensitive." "(Grunting) this is the last of it." "Whew!" "Are you sure we have to do this?" "we're police officers who almost missed a shift because we were busy bouncing." "You're right." "Our capacity for joy is just way too high." "so I have one last secret." "So cute that you keep calling them secrets." "Just hear me out." "I've lied to every girl I said "I love you" to." "but then..." "I met you and realized I've never been in love before." "I did not know that." "I never loved you." "Okay." "Seems unnecessary." "One of them took it very badly." "oneofthemtookitbadly ?" "sort... kinda." "She lives at the top of a very tall tree." "run stuff like that by me." "let me just sign this right here." "Here you go." "My associate asked me to give this to one of you." "She had to go." "The rest is in the note." ""I had to go." "Jess." "Did she say any..." "What's this book about?" "it's..." "It's hard to exp..." "Reagan?" "what is it..." "Just tell her what it's about." "He wrote this book. risking everything to feel something." "I'll take it." "Can you sign it?" "Kill yourself." (Chuckles)" "It's a joke." "It's a reference to..." "You'll get it. (Chuckles) so how's socalycal..." "Socalyalcon 6?" "Jess:" "I don't know." "I'm at the airport." "What?" "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "How long you gonna be gone for?" "I don't know." "What's two plus two? I just don't know the answer to them." "this isn't like you;" "You always say if you had you'd choose planning." "And I stand by that." "I really need a change of scenery." "I'm probably just gonna hang with my dad in Portland." "I did what you said." "I did what was right for me today." "I just don't know what's right for me tomorrow." "I do know that the prices of the tickets are not going down while we yap." "So I got to go." "I love you." "Bye." "(Ringtone playing)" "I'm fine... I'm sure you'll fill me in back at the hotel. you think they know that's a reference right?" "that's a question for Reagan." "sorry." "Jess." "come check this out." "(Locks clicking)" "What?" "did that just lock everything?" "One touch secures every point of entry bringing us convenience and real-time peace of mind." "can I unlock it?" "unlocking it requires a pass code." "all one word." "Very sweet." "(Phone chimes)" "I screwed up." "beautiful Cece." "Two "beautifuls." Okay." "(Phone chimes)" "(Clears throat)" "I know what it is." "just put it in." "I'm freezing. then it locks you out of the app for 12 hours." "For 12 hours?" "!" "It's fine." "We'll go analog." "Give me your key. next to yours." "It's gonna be fine." "Don't worry about a thing." "we'll figure this out." "Override." "(Phone chimes) beautiful Cece." "(Phone chimes) god." "(Coughing)" "Were you in the chimney?" "(Hacks) Yes." "The 26th point of entry." "my god." "we have squirrels." "I love squirrels." "They're not alive." "I counted..." "At least nine of 'em." "my god." "Cece!" "(Knocking) beautiful Cece!"