"♪♪ Fast, lively Flamenco music playing... ♪♪" "♪♪" "El Gato!" "*THE ADVENTURES OF PUSS IN BOOTS* Season 05 Episode 07 Title: "The Iceman Melteth"" "Ha!" " Huh?" " Eh?" "Huh?" "What is the matter?" "Do you tire of battling?" ""What is the matter?" You're barely even trying, that's what!" "How dare you suggest such a thing!" "Do you have something else you'd rather be doing right now?" "As a matter of fact, I do." "I need to help Artephius find a way to close the portal, which, no offense, is far more important than doing battle with random thieves!" "Well, la-di-da!" "We're so sorry our "little battle"" "doesn't fit into your busy schedule, Puss in Boots!" "But we're going to keep fighting you till we capture you and claim the bounty!" "Or... break into the Treasure House?" "Wait, why are we here again?" "I thought we were doing the robbings." "Look at us." "We do not even fight over anything specific anymore!" "I fear our spark has faded." "You don't mean that!" "We will leave you to your important work!" "Come, beast." "Let us do battle." "Puss in Boots?" "Uh..." "Yes." "Have we met?" ""Have we met?" Tim, the terrifying ice monster?" "Tim..." "From the Arctic?" " Ice monster..." " The thing with the polar bear?" "Oh!" "Oh, my." "Yes." "I..." "Wow." "I certainly remember that." "Well, you are right to be angry." "I was very young!" "And I am still beating myself up over it." "Let me do it for you." "What's going on?" "Not too much." "I am just being pursued by this terrifying ice monster named..." "What is your name again?" "Tim!" "Honestly, I deserved that." "I apologize to you, Tim." "What I did was wrong, and I am so sorry." "If sorries were whiskerfish, then walruses wouldn't need their kippers." "What does that mean?" "It means this!" "Who made this puddle?" "It came from him." "Nonsense." "I'm made of solid ice." "Tim." "You are melting!" "Stop exerting yourself." "You're only making it worse." "I'll stop when you're dead." "Huh?" "Hmm?" "Huh?" "I always knew ice monsters could melt." "I just never thought it would happen to me." "I'm sorry, Mr. Ice Monster." "Tim." "Oh." "Tim." "What did you think would happen coming to this hot climate?" "I didn't know I was coming here." "I was trapped in the Netherworld by an angry witch." "Well, that is a nice change of pace." "Usually, it is a wizard." "Then this portal opened up, so I made a break for it." "Next thing you know, I'm fighting that guy." "And now, I'm melting away." "And I never even got to see Pompeii." "Uh..." "My friend, Pompeii was destroyed over a thousand years ago." "Oh!" "Ho!" "Oh!" "And now I'm going to join it." "Oh, come now." "Do not be morose." "Look, we are not too far from the Arctic." "If you leave town at once, you can be there within..." "Okay, yes, you are going to melt." "It suddenly seems so foolish, all those years spent chasing people and shooting icicles out of my fingers, when I could've been, you know, actually living life." "Oh, don't worry, Tim." "You still have a little bit of time." "Wrong." "You have all the time." "Tim, I owe you a debt." "Because of the thing with Loretta, the polar bear?" "Loretta!" "That was her name." "She was really something." "But this is not important." "The point is that I wronged Tim in the past." "And now, I will make it up to him." "Hear this, terrifying ice monster:" "I, Puss in Boots, am going to find a way to stop you from melting, thus saving your life." "This I swear!" "Oh!" "Um..." "Puss, sidebar, please?" "Don't promise him that, Puss." "There are some things we can't control." "Pish-posh, Dulcinea." "I have never had anyone melt on my watch before." "I will go find Artephius." "Clearly, some magic is what is called for in this situation." "I go." "But, Puss, you can't..." "And he's gone." "He's very enthusiastic." "Oh." "Aah." "Nice." "Me!" "Me!" "Over here!" "Over here!" "Ha!" "Oh!" "Look at you all, playing so nicely." "I've always wanted to play catch with a pig, a goblin, three humans, and a kid with a pickle jar." "That's a very specific wish." "Yeah, well..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, my!" "Tim, are you okay?" "I'll be all right." "It's so hot out here." "Come on, let's find you some shade." "Can I get you anything?" "A hot cup of tea?" "Oh!" "Wait, no." "You're bad at comforting cold things." "I know." "I'm sorry." "Oh!" "But remember what the book says:" ""When it's hot, it's nice to doze off." "Find some shade and take your clothes off."" "Whoa, that is just so inappropriate." "I really need to start cherry-picking my quotes from the book." "It's okay, Dulcinea." "At least I got to fulfill one of the many wishes I've had in my life, the rest of which I'll never get to do." "You have a list?" "Hold those tears, Tim, because the orphans and I are gonna help you live out all of your dreams." "Really?" "Whoo!" "So, you see, I wronged this ice monster in a most cruel way many years ago." "I am wracked with guilt." "I understand, Puss." "That's kinda how I feel when I make a delicious pot of chili and don't offer to share it with anyone." "Also, you can't have any chili!" "The guilt!" "It burns!" "So, what I need is for you to devise some brilliant way to stop Tim from melting." "Well, I mean, other than literally blocking out the sun..." "Yes!" "Brilliant!" "We will block out the sun!" "We can't do that, Puss." "Everything on Earth would die." "Also, I don't know how to." "But you like a challenge." "Ooh, you're right." "I do like a challenge." "Okay, Bootsy, you're on." "Wonderful." "Let us act quickly." "It pains me to think how miserable Tim must be right now." "Lady Festerploof, did you know that you are the fairest maiden in all the land?" "And also the best at sports and stuff?" "But did you also know that my heart will forever belong to... my beloved Nina." "Did you know that I wrote the script?" "Yep." "I've always wanted to see a play." "Oh!" "If my buddies in the frozen tundra could see me now." "I know." "So great, right?" "Oh, poor Lady Festerploof." "I just want her to be happy." "Oh, sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm Team Festerploof." "There he is!" "The ice monster!" "We will make a fortune when we chop him into icy cubes and sell him at the market." "Think of all the things people will be able to put ice into:" "Soup." "Campfires." "Lemonade!" "Imagine, cold lemonade." "Is this part of the play?" "Bravo." "It is not part of the play." "Hello, Dulcinea." "Keeping Tim entertained while Artephius and I work on the spell, I see." "Not just keeping him entertained, Puss." "Helping him live out all the dreams he's ever had." "So far, we've covered attending the theater, cheating at cards, and..." "Oh!" "Watching bandits get embarrassingly defeated in combat." "We are right here." "Thieves, we have been over this." "I do not have time to be fighting with you right now." "I need to help Artephius..." "Yes, we know." ""Find a way to close the portal."" "No, something else has come up." "We seek a way to blot the sun from the sky." " What?" " Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "What is that?" "Just a way to launch my magic sun-blocking spell into the sky!" "Oops." "Is she all right?" "Fear not, Timothy." "We will not fail you." "For the next item on your list, Tim, you know how you've always wanted to see the Great Pyramid of Giza?" "It's majestic." "Maybe a little smaller than I'd imagined." "Uh..." "Drawing not to scale." "Whoa!" "It's huge!" "Ah ha aah!" "What are you doing?" "Kidnapping you for shameful monetary gains." "The people deserve their icy beverages." "And we deserve our monetaries." "Gentlemen." "Need I remind you?" "I really do not really have time for this." "You keep telling us that, Puss!" "And every time, it is more hurtful!" "Don't you know that we'll take any attention we can get?" "Puss!" "This is it." "I've definitely got it now." "Are you sure?" "Nope." "Did it work?" "Did it?" "Gravity-increasing spell." "Sorry, everyone." "Sorry." "♪♪ Guitar music playing... ♪♪" "♪ If I told you today ♪" "♪ Was your last day on Earth ♪" "♪ Would you fill it with tears ♪" "♪ Would you fill it with mirth?" "♪" "♪ Would you curse your cruel fate ♪" "♪ Would you loudly bemoan it?" "♪" "♪ Would you fill up with laughter ♪" "♪ Each sweet fleeting moment?" "♪" "♪ Everything goes away When its time is done ♪" "♪ Like a fire in the rain ♪" "♪ Like an ice monster in the sun ♪" "♪ Everything goes away When its time is done ♪" "♪ Like a beard when you trim it ♪" "♪ Like an ice monster in the sun ♪" "♪♪" "Everything has failed!" "Is there nothing else we can try?" "I mean, it goes against everything I believe in, but... green onions?" "I will not let Tim perish." "I will not let my cruel deed go unatoned for." "I will think of something." "Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta." "Ha!" "A shrubbery spell." "Artephius, conjure up as many shrubberies as you can." "We will launch them into the sky via slingshot, where they will form a dense deciduous blanket that will block out the sun's harmful rays!" "So shall it be!" "Puss, maybe you'd better take some deep breaths." "I will take the deepest breaths the world has ever known." "But only once my task is complete." "Wait." "Here!" ""Spiritus Nimbosum."" "It has something to do with clouds, yes?" "We can use it to blanket the entire sky." "Ooh, that sounds fun!" "Any warnings in the book?" "Blah, blah, blah. "Evil spell, death and destruction, publishers not liable."" " It is just a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo." " Great." "I wasn't listening anyway." "One Spiritus Nimbosum coming up." "Well, Tim, I think we've managed to fulfill all of your lifelong dreams today." "Even "sleep in a real bed."" "Sorry I got your bed soaked, Kid Pickles." "Ah, why should today be different than any other day?" "Ew..." "Uh, because sometimes my pickle jar leaks, people?" " Yeah!" " Yay!" "They're stealing Tim!" "Do something, Puss!" "We are doing something, all right." "Artephius, now!" "This is especially ominous." "Ow!" "It worked!" "Tim, behold." "The sun shall lick its cruel rays down upon you no more." "Come, let us gather the villagers in the square." "Oh, it's cold." "I'm re-freezing!" "Townspeople!" "Come and see!" "Puss in Boots has saved the day." "Artephius." "Let us revel in the glory of our achievement." "Was there something in that book about the Spiritus Nimbosum being an evil spell?" "It is possible that I was not paying close attention." "Uh-huh." "Ha-ha!" "Puss, slayer of the devil wind, is not afraid of a little..." "tor... tornado!" "Puss!" "Well, Tim, it appears as though I have doomed us all, so I suggest you extract as much pleasure from these next few moments as you can." "No." "You risked everything to save me, and it's like I always say," ""If sorries were whiskerfish, walruses wouldn't need their kippers."" "I still do not understand what that means." "It means this!" "What is he doing?" "I don't know." "Weather stuff?" "Tim." "No." "You have sacrificed yourself to save San Lorenzo." "I know." "I'm pretty cool, right?" "Get it?" "You should not make jokes when you are so weak." "Seriously, please." "Take me instead, sun!" "Melt me!" "Spare this poor ice monster!" "You know, back in the Arctic, the sun only sets once a year." "Sunsets are always a special treat." "I'd love to see... just one more." "It's beautiful." "Can you lift me up so I can see better?" "I apologize for my warm paws." "It is genetic." "It doesn't matter now." "Thank you, Dulcinea, kids." "I've done more living today than in my whole life before this." "And, Puss, when I came out of that portal, all I wanted was revenge." "But what I got was a friend." "It's perfect." "Just... perfect." "Oh, I'm melting, too!" "What can I say?" "My heart is doing the achings... and I do not know the words that will make it stop." "Hey, Puss." "What's that?" "Hey!" "Wait a minute." "Could it be?" "What?" "Hmm." "Uh-huh." "I see." "Oh." "This is a spirit crystal, Puss!" "A spirit crystal!" "How could I forget about ice monsters and spirit crystals?" "Some ice monsters are formed around a tiny crystal that holds their spirit!" "Tim probably didn't even know about this." "You mean... he is in here?" "Yes!" "Oh, and if we take it back to the Arctic," "Tim will eventually re-form around it." "We can bring him back!" "Huzzah!" " Sphinx!" "We have a mission for you." " Um..." "You, like, totally shot me out of the sky before." "I think I sprained my ankle." "Nonetheless, we need you to carry this tiny crystal to the frozen north." "Fine, whatevs." "At least I can get some ice for my ankle." "Tim would have approved." "Like he always said..." "Eh..." "Something about walruses." "You know, it is possible that I was not paying close attention." "♪♪ Fast, lively Flamenco music playing... ♪♪" "♪♪" "♪♪" "♪♪" "♪♪" "♪♪"