"Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION" "♪ Oh, when the Hank ♪" "♪ Goes makes his eggs ♪" "♪ Oh, when the Hank... ♪" "Aw." "(yelling)" "What the?" "Dang cable company." "I told them I didn't want a hole in my wall." "This is what I get?" "(screaming)" "(screaming louder)" "So, you found the tunnel." "Is this the hole you were talking about?" "Dale, what the hell were you thinking digging a tunnel under my house?" "You should be flattered." "Think of it as a two-way friendship tube." "I can escape to your house when the Feds come a-knockin' and you can slip over to mine when some jealous husband comes looking for you." "There will always be husbands jealous of Hank for marrying me." "There is no place on Earth he can hide from them." "No wonder I fell through... my floor joists are missing." "Uh, is that what that was?" "I thought it was underground driftwood." "I used it too reinforce the walls of my tunnel." "Did you want me digging in an unsafe tunnel?" "Did ya, Hank?" "Aw, it's going to take a lot of hard work to repair this floor." "And since this is all your fault, mister" "I'm not going to let you help me." "Can I help?" "Yes, Bobby." "I fall through the floor" "I'd say on the average about once a year." "So, fellas, I rented a brand-new 6,000 RPM high-torque circular saw." "Boomhauer..." "How'd you like to cut some wood?" "Oh, man, you gonna have to ask, man?" "Dang ol..." "Bill, you can be next, then me then Bobby, and that's it." "But, no, wait." "Hey, Khan, you want to try my new saw?" "KHAN:" "How many RPM?" "6,000." "Nah." "Oh, here comes the city inspector." "Bobby, get inside." "Are you the owner?" "Yes, sir." "Hank R. Hill." "Just like it said on my application for a building permit." "Did you get my check for six dollars?" "Yes, along with a transcript of your grades from high school shop class." "Quite impressive." "I admire you for hiring the mentally challenged." "Mr. Hill, you have a serious problem here." "Without any floor joists this house is unsafe to inhabit." "What if we just stay out of the kitchen?" "I've got a fridge in the garage... a propane grill." "Oh, good, problem solved." "Do I look like some jackass from Power and Light?" "No, sir." "And I ain't going back there, either." "HANK:" "Red tag?" "!" "No, no, green tag." "Green tag!" "You need to evacuate the domicile immediately." "When can he move back in?" "(as to a child):" "When all the repairs have been made." "Would you boys like a piece of hard candy?" "Yes, yes, I would, please like a piece of candy." "I'd like to see these men in helmets." "I don't mind us staying at grandpa's but I won't share a bed with Baby G.H." "He always tries to suck on my boobie." "Hank, Peggy..." "Dale has something he wants to ask you." "Uh... (mumbling)" "Sug..." "Look, Hank, I dug a tunnel you fell through it." "Mistakes were made on both sides." "What do you say you and yours come and stay with me and mine?" "You can take the tunnel over." "Thank you, but we're being taken in by family." "Hank, come on." "Dale drives me nuts living next door." "There's a reason he and I didn't get an apartment together after high school." "Last time I stayed at your father's he threw a grenade at me." "It was a practice grenade, but still... it was a very hostile gesture." "(sighs)" "All right." "Thanks, Dale." "Uh, we'll do it." "Strange bathroom, no night-light." "I hope Mr. Gribble isn't counting on 100% accuracy." "Well, sit if you have to." "I do." "When I have to." "MAN:" "He's going for $100!" "Dale, what do you think you're doing?" "Nancy won't let me watch TV in the bedroom." "It keeps her up." "You've got to see this." "They got a guy swallowing bees for 100 bucks." "Dang it, Dale, it's after 10:00 p.m." "Hank, you don't want to use that remote... (explosion)" "There goes the mailbox." "You have an exploding mailbox?" "That was your mailbox." "And yes, I do." "My goodness." "It's like my own little diner in here." "Well, somebody's not getting a tip." "I'm exhausted." "2:00 a.m., Dale wakes me up to spot him while lifts weights." "Peggy, the man benches 35 pounds." "Hmm... wow, look at that chunk." "Ugh." "What's this?" "Your welcome to sleep here free of charge but consumables are another matter." "You'll see it's all listed here." "Water, electricity, two rolls of toilet paper." "I've had enough of you, Dale." "I'll finish my shredded wheat out at the construction site." "I want that bowl back!" "Hank..." "Did you use the towels that were hanging in the bathroom?" "Those are just for decoration." "Now they're ruined." "Dale, those were paper towels." "And tell your wife to answer the phone" ""Gribble residence." Not "hello."" "Hey, you're not cutting that board very straight." "Aren't you supposed to be inside the lines?" "You're outside the lines, see?" "Oh, no." "Oh, my God." "(gasps)" "(screaming)" "I can't believe" "I cut off my best friend's finger." "And I just reread that safety manual." "I don't understand how this could have happened, Hank." "I mean, I've been known to do carpentry stone-drunk but you're normally so careful around tools." "DALE:" "He was careful, all right." "Careful to make it look like an accident." "You were getting back at me for what I did to your tacky linoleum floor." "That is not true." "I should have never moved in with you." "I think we might have a domestic abuse situation here." "The big one's already cuttle little one's finger off." "It always happens to the younger prettier ones." "If it were up to you you would have filled my buddy tunnel with cement so no one else could use it." "Sir, do you wish to press assault charges?" "Assault charges?" "Damn right I do." "Officer, take him away." "And see that his human rights are roundly violated." "Mr. Hill, Mr. Gribble alleges that you intentionally severed his finger." "Your honor, it was an accident." "We're wasting valuable legal resources here." "Objection." "Conjecture." "Objecture." "That's not a word." "Mr. Hill, please control your outbursts." "I am issuing a restraining order." "You are not to go within 100 feet of Mr. Gribble." "What?" "!" "That is crazy." "I live within a hundred feet of him." "How am I going to fix the house that he ruined?" "You seem to have a serious problem controlling your rage." "I'm sentencing you to an anger management class." "Until you pass the restraining order remains in effect." "Anger management?" "That's for guys who spit on umpires." "I don't need that class." "You do if you ever want to move back into your house." "Dale, you're lighting your finger." "Oh." "Thanks for the heads up." "I still can't feel anything in the digit." "What's that?" "Dale has no feeling in the finger you cut off." "Accidentally." "You know, if you want, Bill, Boomhauer, one of you guys can come stand over by me." "BILL:" "I'll wait till you pass that anger class." "You cut Dale's finger off for digging a tunnel." "I once made a vest out of your wife's underpants." "I can't imagine what you'd do to me." "Come on, I wouldn't hurt you." "You guys know I don't have a problem with anger." "I have a problem with idiots." "Hold it right there." "One more step and you'll have to move to a similar house a few blocks away." "Not too pretty a picture, is it?" "Dang it." "(groans)" "Oh, God, he's on another rampage!" "Pray for us all!" "Let's give a nice, calm anger management welcome to Hank Hill, our newest student." "(various greetings)" "Hank cut his neighbor's finger off with a saw in a fit of rage." "No, no, no." "It was an accident." "My neighbor put his finger in front of the blade." "Hank, my man that's what we call "blaming others."" "It's not my fault his finger was there." "It's not my fault I ran a woman off the road when she changed lanes without signaling." "Hmm, right, Big Jim?" "She had a cell phone in one hand and a Lands' End catalog in the other." "Dirt bag got what she deserves." "Next time, you want to call someone a dirt bag stop and picture that person as a big bag of dirt." "Just a big old bag of dirt driving her SUV." "And you know what?" "You'll have to pull over 'cause you'll have the giggles." "That's what we call" ""silly humor."" "Hank, you're not laughing." "At a bag of dirt?" "What's funny about that?" "Wow, you are just a bundle of rage." "My goodness, if you become angry even in this peaceful environment you're on your way to a massive heart attack or stroke." "I'm not angry." "I am a little annoyed" "I have to be stuck in this stupid class for the next eight Saturdays." "Why don't you pet an imaginary cat." "Just..." "like... this." "Slow... and gentle..." "and easy." "I call her Soothie." "Soothie the kitty." "Want to pet her?" "I'll pass." "Come on, pet Mr. Mellowpuss." "He says he doesn't want to pet the freakin' invisible cat." "Leave him alone!" "Thanks, buddy." "Then they tell me if someone does something stupid" "I'm supposed to think of a calming phrase like, "Relax, Mr. Angry Slacks."" "Or, "Cool it down, grumpy clown."" "You see, it's asinine." "Take it easy, Parcheesi." "That is exactly the kind of anger that leads you to cutting off people's fingers." "Peggy, you of all people know I didn't do that on purpose." "All right, Hank, I wasn't there." "Now, isn't it possible that somewhere in your subconscious you really wanted to hurt Dale?" "No!" "It's not possible!" "DIDI:" "Hank has always been angry." "When we were in kindergarten and the other children would use the fingerpaints he would pinch them." "You are a bald-faced liar!" "Amen!" "Now, I'm going to teach you all a little dance." "The "Avoid-dance."" "Who has a child who keeps a messy room, hmm?" "Next time you walk by" "Junior's messy room shut the door." "Don't look at what infuriates you." "Just do this little dance." "Shut the door... shut the door, shut the door." "Come on Hank, stand up and do the Avoid-dance with me." "Everyone join in!" "Shut the door..." "ALL:" "Shut the door..." "Big Jim, is there a reason you're not shutting the door?" "'Cause you're a pencil-neck, who's got diarrhea of the mouth." "Okay, anger, anger." "Try silly humor." "Can you picture poo poo coming out of my mouth?" "No, but I can picture it coming out of my butt." "Can I have a hall pass?" "Of course." "Uh, I think I have to..." "uh... make, too." "Excuse me." "Can you believe that bunk he's selling?" "Don't ever get angry?" "You turn into the world's doormat." "Read your Bible." "God has a hell of a temper." "You piss Him off, you're up to your ass in locusts." "Look at Him the wrong way, pillar of salt." "He's one tough, two-fisted, gin-joint bouncer and He made us in His image." "You know, that's the first thing I've heard today that's made any sense." "I know one thing... that twig boy can't flunk us for being constipated for an hour." "Let's grab a beer." "Thanks, but I need to spend any spare time repairing my house before my idiot neighbor gets home." "You know, I build dollhouse furniture for a living." "Maybe I can help out." "Hank Rutherford Hill." "You are within 100 feet of me and much as I like to scoff at the law" "I also like to arbitrarily enforce it." "Skedaddle, boy." "We've got a tunnel to dig under the alley." "What?" "Yeah, it's going to go from Dale's house to my house to Boomhauer's house." "Little three-way friendship tube and you ain't invited." "The only rules are no spitting and no cutting other people's fingers off." "You probably wouldn't like it down there, Hank." "Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no dang ol' psychos allowed, man." "Good God, you're serious?" "!" "The alley is city property." "As block captain" "I will come down on you with the full authority of my office." "And who the hell are you?" "Hank, you know Octavio." "He's my Gal Friday." "Does anything I want." "Now, you, scoot!" "100 feet." "Move it." "You shut your god dang mouth, or I'll shove that ditch witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!" "That's telling him." "Felt good, too." "Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up." "Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes." "Where's the money you owe me, esse?" "You heard him." "Take the first shot, Cochise!" "I love two things:" "Building dollhouse furniture and kicking ass!" "And I don't see no dollhouses 'round here." "You see any dollhouses, Hank?" "!" "No, I don't!" "No, you don't!" "That's right!" "What are you looking at, sport?" "!" "Don't you eyeball me!" "Don't you eyeball a junkyard dog!" "(barking)" "Now you got the dog barking!" "Look, you got it, you got it!" "(barking)" "(snarling)" "Paramedics said he got so worked up he just stroked out." "It was a short period of suffering but probably fairly intense." "Hank, that's exactly what you look like when you sleep." "Dang!" "No more bouncing that ball!" "I'm going to kick your ass!" "You're out of control!" "Out of my way, rooster boy." "(yelling)" "(grunting and yelping)" "HANK:" "That could be me lying there." "It does not have to be, Hank." "You are taking a class that gives you the tools to handle your anger." "You love tools." "Go ahead and use them." "BARRY:" "I know a lot of you thought you wouldn't make it to graduation but you have." "Well, not all of you." "As much as it pains me, I have to fail Big Jim." "I mean, he died of anger." "My hands are tied." "It's diploma time." "Mr. Hill, congratulations." "Uh, it says "Hink Hall."" "You got the "l" and the "A" mixed up." "This might make it difficult for me to get my restraining order lifted." "I'll bet that really steams your beans, doesn't it "Hink?"" "Uh, yeah, yeah." "Hey, you big chowder head, you spelled my name wrong." "(chuckles)" "You're just a body with a big bowl of soup on it." "Congrats, man you passed the final test." "Next up..." "Mr. Mangione." ""Chick" Mangione?" "I'm not a chick;" "I'm a dude!" "DALE:" "Beer cooler docking complete." "We have beer." "Deploy lips." "What the?" "You actually dug the dang tunnel?" "!" "But I told you..." "All right, easy there, angry bear..." "Is that Hank Hill?" "You don't sound 100 feet away." "No, gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I am certified anger-free." "Now that the restraining order's been lifted what do you say you guys take a break from that dark tunnel, and enjoy a cold beer up here in the sunny alley." "DALE:" "Don't waste time talking to him." "We got to dig a place to put our empties." "Uh, fellas, you might want to get out of there." "You see, there's a garbage truck coming." "They weigh about five tons and your last tunnel couldn't support me on an empty stomach." "No time to gab, Hank." "We got bigger fish to fry." "The game, gentlemen, is Crazy Eights." "Come on, please." "I'm serious!" "Sorry, I don't speak"Surface."" "Okay, look." "My idiot friends rented a ditch witch and they're in the tunnel under the alley." "So if you drive over there you'll probably crush 'em to death." "Buddy, I used to be just like you... drinking, hanging around alleys making up stories just to get attention." "Get it together." "Oh, gosh, dang it." "Pet the cat, pet the cat..." "Come on, guys, please get out of there." "Watch the anger." "You don't want to end up like Big Jim." "Remember?" "He's dead." "That's because Big Jim had an anger problem." "This is different." "I have an idiot problem." "Uh, guys... come on, get out." "Get out, get out, get out!" "If you don't get out of that god'dang rathole now" "I'll get my circular saw, come down there cut off all your fingers and toes!" "Now move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Okay, Hank, now that we're out of the tunnel what is so damn important?" "Man, I got dang ol' save coldest beer for my man, talkin' 'bout, man, I owe you one, man." "Thanks, Boomhauer." "BILL:" "Hank, I cleaned all those" "Whataburger wrappers off my lawn just like you told me to." "It's just my little way of saying thank you for losing your temper." "And to show you that we're best buds again" "I'm going to connect our houses with a rope bridge." "Sh-sha!" "HANK:" "Dale!" "Wait, here's the fun part." "A-yah zip!" "Well, you get the idea." "Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access." "Wgbh." "Org" "BILL:" "Yes, es, I would please like a piece of candy!"