" Studying for your exams?" " You think I go to uni?" "You were president of the Mountaineering Club, you've discovered literature, learning..." "There's no mountains and I wouldn't go to this place in a million years." "Why do I have to go to uni at all?" "Oh..." "You're not very..." "(Tweeting)" "(Knock at door)" " Yodel-ay-he-hoo." " Hm." " How's it going?" " l was expecting Katrina." "Yeah, she's on a diet." "She had to lie down." " What you up to, then?" " Just...being depressed, I guess." " Crap dialogue." " Hm." "Don't tell me you're depressed." " You asked." " Can you not flirt with me?" "(Sighs) What do you want me to say?" "You could be a lost backpacker who just stumbles into my cabin and it's raining outside and your T-shirt's all wet and..." "Listen, I'm not really into the whole exercise thing." "Ask Katrina after she, you know, eats something." "Stop being such a pain and give me some character here." "I have character." "And that would be OUT of character." "That's why you're stuck." "(Door closes, knock at door)" " Katrina?" " Angus." "You're looking lovely, as ever." "Thank you." "Do you want to have the sex now?" "Oh, I forgot, my cousin from Uppsala's here." " Great!" " Come in, Heidi." " Hi, Kenny." " Oh, hi, Fist." " You almost finished?" " What, this?" "Oh, work and all?" " l liked the book." " Did you?" "I didn't." "Why would you want to read about a guy in a hospital?" " lt's very good." " Let's go for a drink." "We can talk about it." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I've only got a couple more chapters." "Hello, Barney's answering machine, it's Claire." "You're a real prick for not turning up to book group." "Please give me or Kenny a call about the next session." "'lf you aren't a total quitter altogether." "'if you do need help or you wanna talk, 'you can call me." "Bye, Barney.'" "(Hangs up, answer machine beeps)" "(Miaowing)" "We spent so much time talking about his work." " Have you told Jackie?" " No." " The fella from the book group?" " Aye." "his need for male companionship grows strong." " Talk to him." "He must miss you." " Aye." "Perhaps he does." "(Speaking Swedish)" "(Door slams)" " 'Goal!" "'" " Yes!" "(Rab) Go again." "(Jackie) I'm tired." " You're fine." " lt's my bedtime." " Will you read me a story?" " No." "Good night, Rab." " Wee Jackie away to bed?" " Aye." "Oh-ho!" "Brilliant!" "You know, I was thinking about the study upstairs." "If we put a bed in, it could be the office and your room as well." " My room?" " Live here." "Why not, eh?" " Janice'd go mental!" " No, she wouldn't." " She likes you." " She does?" "Mm-hm." " (Cartoon explosion)" " Brilliant." "It's potty, ain't it?" " Hi, there." " Hi." "Where's Kenny?" "Gone for a drink with the other one." "Me and you could sort of join 'em, on a double date, eh?" "I've read the book!" "(inaudible)" " Hi!" " Hey!" "Hi." "You found us." " What would you like to drink?" " A vodka tonic." " You were following." " l wasn't." " You're married." " Kenny's my friend too." " l found the book group." " So?" "Dead easy to get served in a chair." "Ladies, what do you say we get pissed?" " (Dramatic music on TV) - (Man) 'Darling, I love you." " 'l have to go!" "' - (Woman) 'l know, Edmund...'" "'Well, Felicity, this isn't goodbye.'" " (Sighs) - (Felicity) 'Goodbye, darling!" "'" " Can I help you?" " Hello...er, Claire?" " Yeah." " l'm Lachlan Glendinning." " Oh!" "Hi." " How do you do?" " Fine, thanks." " May I come in?" "Oh, sure, yeah." "Wow, what a great place." " Oh, thanks." " O'Keefe." " Yeah." " Bones are better than flowers." "I think so too." "(Chuckles) Good." "Um, l-l should explain why I'm here." "Sure, do you want to come in?" "Er..." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "(Woman on TV) 'Have a rustle around, 'you might be lucky." "They're elusive little fellows...'" "(Both) Oh!" "Janice!" "Could I have a wee word with you, Jackie?" "Go on, then." "In private." "Come on." "is it wee Jackie?" "Has he been wanking' in the bath again?" "It's, um..." " lt's about our marriage." " Oh, Christ, here we go." "I saw Father Daniel today." " Oh, Janice!" " He's our priest, Jackie." "Why is everything a bloody drama?" " l have something to tell you." " What?" "You know the writer that was here for the book group?" " Aye." " We had..." " We had intimate relations." " You shagged him?" " Yes." " ln my house?" " No." " An affair?" " Yes." " Really?" "Yes." "Father Daniel said I had to tell you." "It was..." "..that's a big thing." "This is quite a big thing." "You've cheated on me." "He'll probably use this in a book!" "It could go to the papers!" "He doesn't know anything about football." "He's not interested." "That's a technique they use, pretending not to be interested." "He was interested...in me." "My wife's a slapper." "(Sobs)" "(Woman) 'Look how juicy these leaves are." "'ln the dry months they wither...'" "There's no real easy way to say this so I'll just say it." "Barney died." "I was meant to stay with him but he hadn't answered the phone so I knew something was up." "Oh, God." " Oh, God..." " He choked on his vomit." "He must've passed out and, er..." " Did you know he was...?" " Yeah." "Everyone knew." " Did he ever try to stop?" " No." "No, not really." "Our mother was an alcoholic." "I think he thought it was genetic." "He was such a lovely guy." "He was an arrogant prick." "But he was my brother." "Do you have a place to stay?" "Oh, um, I'm gonna get a hotel this evening, so..." " Dad'll be here in the morning." " You can stay here." "No, no, that's really kind." "Thank you, um..." "Actually, you know what?" "That'd be great." "Thanks." "Yeah, everyone says that." "Wow..." "Thanks." "(Yells)" "Let's go home." "(Gulps)" "This is where you stay, Kenny?" "Aye." "My other place is a castle." " You're so tidy." " You have a castle?" "Don't be stupid, it was a Scottish joke." "Cup of tea?" " Come and give me a cuddle." " Me too, I want a cuddle." "Go home, Dirka, Lars is waiting up for you." "Kenny?" "Kenny, what's the matter?" "Er..." "Have we decided what's going on here?" "Dirka's going home and we're going to have a cuddle." "I'm not going home, I want to fuck Kenny." "You're pissed!" "Kenny, you have to get her a minicab." "Fuck you, get out of here." "Oh, boy." "( Sexy soft rock)" "You're a terrible dancer." "Kenny likes me." "No, you're out of time and you're showing your arse." "Shut up and go home!" "I'm having a sexy time with Kenny." "(Music stops)" " 'Kenny?" "'" " Claire." " Everything OK?" " Sorry to wake you." "'No problem." "Can we have the book group at your place?" " 'l don't have any chairs.'" " Sure, Kenny." "is everything OK?" "Shall I come over?" "No!" "No." "I should've waited till morning." "'What is it, Claire?" "' lt's Barney." "He died." "Oh, no." "'Oh, Claire.'" "He was at home and he wouldn't have felt anything, I guess." "'Oh, Claire." "Are you OK?" "'" "Yeah." "but he was sort of in my book for a while." "'Was he?" "'" "And then I killed him." "I mean, as a character." " Listen, I'm coming over, now." " l'm all right." " 'l'll be over in ten minutes.'" " No, Kenny!" " (Lachlan groans) - 'ls someone there?" "'Have you got a man there?" "is it Barney?" "'God!" "Sorry." "Sorry, I'm a bit pissed.' l'll talk to you in the morning." " 'Aye.'" " Bye." "Can I have a minicab, please?" "So, what did we think?" "A true memorial to a man who loved books." "Well, someone recommended the book to me but I hadn't read it before." " lt was a great book." " A bit grim, eh?" "(Dirka) No, it was inspiring." " The triumph of the spirit." " The guy dies." " When?" " After he wrote the book." "Oh, my God!" "(Sobbing)" " l didn't know that." " Oh, here we go." "Rab, that's an unkind thing to say at a time of bereavement." "I think you should apologise to Fist." " Sorry, Fist." " (Exhales)" "Guys, we're all a little raw, let's concentrate on the book." " lt's about how your body isn't you." " You think?" "He loses everything but he is still himself because he has his mind." "The mind is everything." "You can have a perfect body but without a good mind you are just a boring guy." "They think they're special just because they have muscles." " What are we talking about?" " (Both) The book!" "(Claire) Janice, what did you think?" "Well, I thought..." "Hi, Lachlan." "Everybody, this..." "You met them all at the funeral." "Yeah." "Hello, everyone." "(All) Hi!" "We're reading The Diving Bell And The Butterfly." " You've read it, right?" " Yeah." "Er, no." " l wouldn't want to interrupt." " (All) Please!" "Please!" " You've got a key?" " Rab, offer Lachlan your seat." " Would you like this seat?" " No, no, sit. I'll crouch." "He says he doesnae want it." " Carry on." " Are you in town for a while?" "Yeah, I'm sorting out Barney's flat." "Must be difficult, all that responsibility." "Yeah, heavy." "But Claire's been great." " Are you two shagging?" " That's not your business." " lt's OK." "We're friends." " Friendly friends." "Boyfriend-girlfriend." "I didn't know if I should say that." "(Nerdy laugh)" " Let's talk about the book." " Yeah." "Well, I feel a right fool for suggesting we read it." "It's a gloom and doom book." "The only thing that folk care about is that a guy who can only move his eye could write anything." " Weren't you trying to show us...?" " What?" "You think I'm like this guy?" "I'm only in a chair." "I'm meant to be like every other guy with a problem." " You upset Kenny!" " l am sorry." "I think you are fantastic and I never meant to say you are like the guy in the book." "He used to edit a fashion magazine." " Did he?" " Yeah, he edited French Elle." "Why is this interesting?" "He realised it's superficial, being around people who look in the mirror." " Why are you looking at me?" " l'm making a point." "You always attack me for being beautiful." "Ever heard of modesty or is that not a Dutch thing?" "Girls, we've got a fucking bereavement here, behave yourselves!" " Sorry, Lachlan." " My book group was never like this!" "So what do you do, Lachlan?" "Oh, I don't really like the term but I'm an artist." "(Both) Wow!" "Would that be painting or sculpture?" "Um, well, it's all sorts of things really." "I'm a conceptual artist." "Like, you're not an artist yet but you'd like to be?" "It's the process of looking, rather than the nature of the medium." "I think we should remember Barney." "Good on yer, doll!" "It's Claire." "We're not in a public house now, Robert." " What do you do for money?" " That's nosy for you!" " l'm just asking." " l get some grants and money from galleries." "I'm not expecting to get rich, it's just what makes me tick." "To Barney." "(All) Barney." "What are you thinking, Kenny?" "I was thinking about my book." " How's it going?" " Brilliant." "Nearly finished." "I'll send it to that writer, see what he thinks." " l'd love to read it." " l'd like to read one of yours." "Yeah, well, I've kind of given it up, at least for a while." " Really?" " Yeah." "I thought I'd do a little more living." "I thought it was fiction." " Really?" " l thought he'd made it up." "They're kind of the same sometimes, fiction and non-fiction." "Sometimes I'm like, "God, my life is like a book!"" "But no one would believe it, right?" "So much happens in one day, doesn't it?" "Makes you want to write it all down so you don't forget..." " ..anything." " (Both) Mm." "He's had a lot of groin strains in the past seasons" " but this year he's doing well." " Great." "Some think he's the best player this country's ever had." " l'm makin' an archive." " Right, that's great." "The plan is, one day I'm gonna write his biography." "That's great." "(All chattering)" "(Bird twittering)" "Anybody there?" "Somewhere lt's written in a book that I've read" "Sometime lt's written just the way that you said" "The book that I read"