"Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "What is taking them so long?" "Eunice, it's a kidney transplant." "So we're gonna miss the movie, is that it?" "Eunice, they gotta take a whole kidney out of the big guy and put it into Danny, and then they gotta stitch them both up again, and that's gonna take at least half an hour." "Mom." "Yes." "Is something the matter?" "Yes dear." "That's why we're here in the hospital." "No, Ma, is something the matter between you and Aunt Mary?" "Aunt Mary?" "Why aren't you speaking?" "I thought I was." "No, Ma, I mean, why aren't you speaking to Aunt Mary?" "Oh, because Billy, you asked me the question, and if I responded to Aunt Mary instead of you, then you'd think I was crazy." "I'll get you some more coffee, Ma." "Thanks." "Oh, Mrs. Tate, I feel so terrible." "If Danny hadn't tried to save my life..." "Now, Gwen, you've just got to stop this." "It's a very simple operation." "But it's so risky." "Gwen, there's always gonna be risks." "I remember when I was a girl, there was this lady..." ""The crazy old lady," we called her, and she hardly ever spoke to any of us, but when I walked by her house, she'd bang her cane on the window and say something like:" ""Munya, munya, munya, munya!"" "Well, I was scared to death of her." "See, but one day my mother said, instead of being afraid and calling her crazy old lady, why don't you go ring the bell, introduce yourself and try to make her feel like she's not a crazy old lady." "So I did, because I took a risk." "Do you understand?" "Thank you, Mrs. Tate." "You're welcome, dear." "Um..." "How did she react when you rang her bell?" ""Munya, munya, munya!"" "and hit me in the head with the cane." "Crazy as a loon." "See?" "Danny is gonna be fine." "Everything is gonna be just as it was before." "Well, almost." "Mrs. Campbell." "Are you all right?" "Oh, yes." "Fine, thanks." "I just want you to know that it's okay what went down between you and Chester." "Thanks." "I mean, it happened before I was even born." "Attention!" "I'll be brief." "I've just spoken to the powers that be, and I think you all should know exactly what's going on." "Oh, yes, Daddy." "Please, tell us what you found out." "Well, it's like this." "You will all be boarding soon." "This is an important mission." "Some of you won't be coming back." "But we must go, for the sake of free people everywhere." "I only wish to hell I could be going with you." "Daddy, Daddy." "We are not in an airport." "We're in a hospital." "What?" "Well, any damn fool can tell you, you can't board a plane in a hospital." "Who's the idiot that planned this mission?" "Oh, bad news, general." "Oh, God!" "This is not an airport." "Mare." "Burt." "What's happening and how is Danny?" "Is Jodie..." "Jodie okay?" "Sit down, Burt." "I think I'll go for a little walk, get a little air." "A little air is great." "Air?" "Air." "Uh, Dutch, a little air." "Air, right." "Wh-where we going?" "Where're we going?" "Are we going?" "Mare, what's going on?" "Where's everybody going?" "Uh, Burt..." "Mare, please, tell me now, is Danny okay?" "Is Jod...?" "Where's Jodie?" "Jodie's in California." "What'd he do, mail a kidney?" "Uh, Jodie isn't the donor, Burt." "Chester is the donor." "Chester?" "Tate?" "About this tall, used to live with Jess?" "I didn't think I'd ever have to tell you." "Mare, come on, just tell me, please, tell me." "Maybe I should have told you before." "Maybe I should have told everybody, but I thought it would upset so many people, so I didn't." "Maybe if I told at the time, maybe that was deceitful, and if I had told at the time, Jessie wouldn't be..." "And you won't be..." "But maybe you would be anyway, if I told you when we met." "Then you wouldn't have married me, and we wouldn't have had Scotty, you see?" "Not exactly." "Chester and I..." "A long time ago..." "Chester and I..." "Chester is Danny's father?" "Yeah." "So Danny is getting a matching kidney." "Is that what this is like?" "Yes." "Oh, God, Mare." "Good God." "Ha-ha, haa!" "Burt, you don't mind what I just told you?" "Mind?" "I don't know if I mind." "All I care about is that Danny's got a kidney." "Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!" "You're so wonderful." "It doesn't bother you, even a little?" "I don't know, Mare, I don't know." "I guess it really doesn't matter." "Danny is okay." "Oh, Burt." "I love you!" "I love you." "Mare, there's just one little thing" "I don't understand." "Chester?" "That was incredible." "You were incredible." "I was incredible?" "You were incredible." "Yeah, you were pretty incredible too." "Was it more incredible than... anyone else?" "Who else is here?" "No, no, no, no." "I mean..." "I mean, was it better than...?" "What?" "Guys?" "Tell me, tell me." "Oh, Maggie, it was the best." "It was absolutely the best." "I feel terrific." "My luck, I finally have a fantastic heterosexual experience, and I'm gonna die at sunrise." "Maggie, this may sound a little strange, but..." "I'm really glad you're here." "It does sound strange." "I'm glad I'm here too." "So since there doesn't seem to be anything to lose, why don't we, um..." "Why don't we." "I love you." "Oh, I know." "Maggie, I was just thinking about asking you to marry me." "Oh, Jodie." "What is that?" "It's rats!" "We're gonna be eaten by rats!" "No, no, no, no, no, maybe we're gonna be rescued." "You're right." "Hey, in here, in here!" "Shhh." "Quiet." "We're getting out!" "I can't believe..." "In here!" "Still wanna marry me?" "We'll talk." "In here!" "Free, I'm free at last." "Twenty five years, I've been digging out of here." "Excuse me, sir, but this is the next cell." "Oh, sorry." "Of course, I'll marry you." "Eunice?" "Hmm?" "You said tonight." "I did?" "Yeah." "Oh, Dutch, I'm really not in the mood." "You're not?" "No, honey, and you wouldn't want me to just go through the motions, would you?" "Yeah." "Dutch!" "Well, Eunice, it's been two weeks, and I got all these little genes running around inside my body, and you had them thinking they were leaving tonight, and you can't get just..." "Can't just cancel their trip." "Maybe tomorrow, sweetie." "They're already packed." "Honestly, Dutch." "I mean, it hasn't been that long." "What'd you do in prison?" "Eunice give it to me straight." "What's wrong?" "What do you mean?" "You don't seem interested anymore." "Why do you say that?" "You used to yell and scream and pull my hair." "You don't do that anymore." "Where's the affection?" "Dutch you're making a big deal out of nothing." "Come on, Eunice, what did I do wrong?" "You married me." "What else could I do?" "It was our wedding." "Well, it just sort of took the zip out of our sex life." "I mean, Dutch, I like romance when it's dangerous, like when you were a fugitive and we we're on the run." "So, what are we gonna do, Eunice?" "I don't know." "I mean, I'll do anything to help." "I just don't know what to do." "Well, maybe we could, um..." "Yeah." "Well, never mind." "What?" "No, you'd think it was sick." "No, I wouldn't." "Tell me." "Maybe it'll help." "Well, we could act out our fantasies." "We could pretend we're other people." "That's sick." "Oh, never mind." "Good night..." "Okay, fantasies are fine." "Just tell me what to do." "Okay, we could act out a movie." "We could act out the beach scene in From Here to Eternity." "Oh, boy!" "That's my favorite movie." "Okay." "Okay, what do we do?" "Well, I'm Deborah Kerr, and you're Burt Lancaster." "Hi." "We're lying in the sand, and the surf is pounding." "Whoo!" "Uh, well, it's a romantic moonlit night." "The palm trees are swaying in the breeze." "But any second the Japs are gonna attack Pearl Harbor." "That's later, darling." "Right now, I'm lying beside the man I love." "That's you, sergeant." "Oh." "And you take me in your arms, and you tell me you never knew it could be like this." "I never knew it could be like this." "Oh, and I love you." "Oh, but I know it's wrong, because I'm married, and I'm cheating on my husband." "But you're all I can think about." "What're you thinking about, sergeant?" "I'm thinking about Ernie Borgnine and Monty Clift fighting in the barn." "I gotta go break it up." "No, don't leave me." "Don't leave me." "Hold me, I can't live without you." "But you're an officer's wife." "I don't care." "Attention!" "I couldn't help overhearing, sergeant." "Are you crazy throwing away a brilliant career?" "She's an officer's wife, man." "Back to your barracks on the double, and I'll hush this thing up." "But, but, but..." "Move out, man!" "Carry on." "Good morning." "Morning." "What is that?" "Orange juice." "Orange juice, that's all?" "And spices." "What spices?" "Vodka." "Vodka?" "Vodka?" "Well, Mary, do you know what time it is?" "It's 7:30 in the morning." "You're drinking in the morning." "Burt, everybody has orange juice in the morning." "This is not orange juice." "This is a screwdriver." "This is mostly orange juice, with a little alcohol for flavoring." "Well, Mare, Mare, wait a minute, Mare." "Yeah?" "Mare, please, Mare." "Hey, what is it?" "I told you, orange juice and a little..." "No, no, no, no, Mare." "That's not what I mean, come on." "I'm a little lonely, that's all." "I'm just a little lonely." "Oh, Mare, I'm sorry, Mare." "I've just been so busy because of what's happening here, but it's gonna change now, I promise you." "It's not just that." "It's..." "Give me..." "It's..." "It's Jessica." "All this about something that happened, what, almost 30 years ago." "It's ridiculous." "See, you were a kid." "You knew nothing." "Obviously, to have gotten involved with Chester." "He wasn't all that bad, Burt." "Ho, ho, ho." "Tubin' with two sisters at the same time?" "That's not how it happened." "He and I were seeing each other." "Nobody even knew yet, and he hardly even knew Jessica." "And then one day..." "EEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Oh!" "Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary!" "Hi, Jess." "Wait till you hear what I have to tell you." "I know what it is." "Darlene Cook goes all the way." "Patty told me." "Who cares?" "No, it's not that." "It's something else..." "Darlene Cook goes all the way?" "That's what Patty said." "Who did she go all the way with?" "Omega Delta." "But Patty lies." "Omega Delta, is that a foreign student?" "Jess, it's a fraternity, not a person." "I see." "Well, Mary, that's good, huh?" "I mean, if she'd gone all the way with a person, she might have ended up preggers." "Oh, Mary, wait until you hear what I have to tell you." "What?" "You're not gonna believe it." "Oh, come on, Jess." "Come on." "Well, oh, Mary, Mary, out of the blue," "Chester Tate asked me to marry him." "What do you think about that?" "I know, I know, Mary." "I reacted exactly the same way." "I mean, do you believe it?" "Chester Tate." "Oh, golly!" "He's so suave." "I said to him, "My goodness, we haven't even dated," "Why do you wanna marry me?"" "And, Mary, he said that he had always loved me from afar." "From afar!" "Mary, oh, do you believe it?" "He's gonna be here any minute." "Oh, God!" "I love him." "I love him." "I mean, I know I don't know him, but what I know, I know I love." "EEE!" "Oh, Mary!" "Mary." "That's him, Mary." "Oh, boy!" "Oh, no, Mary!" "No, no, don't go away." "No, Mary," "I want you to stay and talk to him and meet him, and he's gonna be family, Mary." "Hi." "Hi." "Well, come on in." "Mary?" "Mary, Mary." "You know Chester Tate, do you?" "Chester, this is my sister, Mary Gatling." "Hi." "Hi." "Well, why don't you guys get acquainted with each other?" "Chester, I'm gonna go upstairs and tell Mother the good news, okay?" "Yeah, fine." "All right?" "Okay." "Mother!" "Guess what?" "You're gonna marry Jessica?" "Yeah, I'm sorry." "I don't believe this." "Yeah, well, neither do I." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "Last night you were in bed with me, and today you ask Jessica to marry you." "Yeah, I know." "It's been a crazy 24 hours." "You loved her from afar?" "You've been sleeping with me, but you've been in love with her from afar?" "I haven't loved her from afar." "I never even looked at her." "Well, I mean, not her face." "I don't believe this." "Yeah, well, imagine how I felt." "Your mother told me I had to marry Jessica, or my father would end up in jail." "For what?" "Stock fraud." "He cheated your mother out of a small fortune." "Boy, was she mad." "What does Jessica have to do with this?" "Blackmail." "Your mother doesn't think anybody will marry Jessica, 'cause she's so scatterbrained." "This way, she has a chance to marry her off." "And you're gonna do it?" "Oh, gee whiz, Mary." "I have to." "If I don't, my father's gonna end up in jail." "I don't believe this." "And he'll cut me out of his will, which is no small potatoes, because he's loaded, now that he's robbed your mother." "You creep." "You're disgusting." "You are a disgusting, vile, disgusting, opportunistic, disgusting liar." "Creep." "Wow, Mary." "Hey, you guys, what do you except me to do, run off with you?" "Your mother would track us down." "She is determined that I marry Jessica, or my father is gonna end up in jail." "Oh, come on." "I have no alternative, Mary." "What would you have me do?" "Be good to my sister." "Bye, Mary." "Hi." "Since Eunice has discovered that Dutch can make her happy by pretending to be someone else, will their lives become a "Movie of the Week" every week?" "Will Jessica ever speak to Mary again?" "Or has Mary's childhood affair with Chester left a cold spot in Jessica's heart?" "And what about Jodie and Maggie?" "Will they be executed?" "Or will they spend the rest of their lives in a coal dungeon?" "And, if so, will they really care?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap."