"If not today, when will you try?" "Tomorrow, when you're on, the day might not be ready for you." "BINYAG" " LOSS OF INNOCENCE" "I'm Leo... born here in San Joaquin..." "My parents lived here, but I never saw them..." "people say they grew up here but with no relatives... nor a photo to tell me whom I Iook like..." "It's peaceful here..." "No troubles..." "Seems everyone is contented..." "Not much happening..." "San Joaquin is witness to everything that has happened to me..." "Don't know if there's anything to Iearn from my story..." "Something good..." "Something not so good..." "But where I'm going, there's no doubt, something good awaits me..." "This is my Paradise..." "my world - so quiet..." "No hassle..." "No intruder..." "Time flies but who cares about the minutes..." "Waves are enchanting..." "At times roaring..." "At times quiet..." "The water is clear..." "unlike what's happened to me..." "Here, something, I'm not sure, that should have happened at all..." "AII I know - and certain about it, is:" "when I was younger, I considered this my Heaven..." "As I've said, I have no kin in this province..." "But God has been good to me, I survived with little help..." "I didn't go to school, but I'm not dumb..." "I can write..." "Read..." "Don't know how every day ends..." "But whenever I'm here, it's OK..." "Some souls I hardly know try to help..." "I don't know why they bother, but I have a hint on their motives..." "I'm MiIagring..." "Want some bananas?" "Now, you've met the only girl who spends hours talking to me..." "I know her intentions, and I'm certain it's for naught..." "She teaches me to write, read..." "She has lots of stories which hardly interest me..." "She must have told me her whole life story - her parents' tiff... once she caught them quarreling in bed..." "The difference between banana and sweet potato..." "She believes in fortune-teIIing..." "Some seer told her that she's getting married to a man who spends most of his time near the sea..." "And a Iot more stories:" "how her breast itches..." "Her fondness for movie stars..." "She always gazes at me..." "Watches over me..." "As though I'm exclusively hers..." "Expecting I'd reciprocate..." "I couId feel MiIagring is a born flirt..." "She won't ever leave my side..." "Wherever I go, she's there and won't leave me alone..." "Sometimes, I thought of pushing her into the sea..." "This is heaven to me..." "But I don't know if I should insist..." "That's Mr. Mando..." "He's always here, too..." "Sometimes, while I swim in the water, he stands around there, he whispers like a tempestuous wind..." "Words I don't understand..." "Sometimes, I feel what he wants..." "He's like a poet of unfinished poems..." "He laughs..." "Stops..." "Then laughs again..." "Like the waves with varying moods..." "This is my daily routine..." "sleep..." "Wake up..." "Bathe in the sea..." "play with MiIagring..." "As if there's no tomorrow..." "Just live on..." "until one day..." "Everything changed..." "You'II never feel ecstasy if you don't know agony..." "No one can tell up to when he lives, so why not do now what's on your mind?" "I'm not sure what I saw..." "But what's certain is I felt something different..." "I don't know, but it's..." "The days swiftly pass..." "As fast as the waves rush and hit the shore..." "Many things have happened..." "As many as things that shouldn't have happened..." "I keep swimming in the sea of Iife..." "I leave everything to Fate..." "AII I have to do is stay afloat and attuned..." "Like MiIagring does it..." "She hasn't given up on me..." "She's still around..." "With her sweet potatoes and bananas..." "Is it really possible that she doesn't know it?" "Or is she just pretending not to know?" "Sometimes, I feel sorry for her..." "Won't you take me to a new place?" "Aren't you tired of swimming?" "There must be some other place..." "Don't you feel the heat?" "The sun is better off..." "It cools off at night..." "Then renews for the next day..." "There's a movie shooting in town..." "I don't know the actors..." "Sweet potatoes are OK..." "could bananas be better?" "As always, MiIagring goes home really sore..." "Piqued..." "Swearing..." "Cursing..." "meanwhile, Mr. Mando hasn't changed..." "still the same poet with his unfinished poems..." "If you don't do it now, when?" "Tomorrow when you're ready, the day might not be ready for you..." "Does he know what he's saying?" "It's amazing, he doesn't seem to age..." "What's his secret?" "What does he drink?" "MiIagring is better off..." "Persistent but knows what she wants..." "What's on her mind..." "She wants something I have which I can't give her..." "She's there - hoping..." "But I know her..." "She can never give me up..." "She'd do anything to catch my attention..." "She'd tussIe and tumble..." "Gyrate endlessly..." "I know she's mad but she goes on seducing me..." "Short of raping me..." "No, she won't get tired of me..." "Though she looks begging, my eyes are fixed on something else..." "Don't know what Mr. Mando is waiting for..." "His moves are weird..." "Seems he has a world of his own..." "could his eternal youth be coming from the sea?" "could he probably have mermaid and merman friends?" "Mando can truly be a Drama King..." "With plenty of rituals..." "He'd go very well with MiIagring..." "Both are star struck..." "Your predictions seem to be untrue..." "I've done everything..." "until now, Leo hasn't kissed me..." "You said Leo is my man..." "And the future father of my children..." "I've never been wrong..." "Some strong forces are going against my predictions..." "Days go on..." "Nothing has changed..." "With Mr. Mando..." "Same with MiIagring and her sweet potatoes and bananas..." "until one day, a stranger comes to town..." "Oh, are we on?" "I'm Lester." "A talent manager..." "Do you want to be a star?" "I easily liked him..." "Must be his amiable face..." "A face you don't easily get tired of..." "A look that says what he wants..." "I'm not new in this game..." "I have had One..." "Two..." "Three..." "Four..." "Five..." "Six..." "I clearly remember how many times I've given in to some people's desire..." "First was with Lito, the manicurist..." "A parlor operator with stinky mouth and feet..." "Second was with Mr. Tonio, the fisherman who 'dives' so well..." "He also stinks like a slimy fish..." "Third was with Jessie who gathers firewood with me..." "He prefers hardwood and anything hard..." "Fourth was with Antonio, a fellow tricycIe driver, father of two kids..." "Fifth was with Berto, who lent me some money after a basketball game..." "Later, he played with my balls..." "The sixth was a repeat with the manicurist..." "He gave me P50." "still, his feet and mouth stink..." "I also tried doing what's 'normal'..." "But even if I force myself, I prefer what I'm used to..." "Aren't we doing anything?" "will I undress now?" "MiIagring must be with her fave fortune teller..." "She doesn't give up..." "Many have had Leo..." "But his heart belongs to only one..." "Is it me?" "Go home..." "I can tell you haven't cooked your dinner..." "MiIagring's chances grow dimmer with Lester's arrival..." "He's different..." "City-bred, smells sweet..." "pearly white teeth..." "flawless skin..." "alluring smile..." "Looks rich..." "Am sure what we'd do is special..." "Am I a sinner?" "I'm not forcing anybody..." "They tease me..." "I just give in to their whims..." "That's where it began..." "Lester told me stories..." "His plans..." "A world I never thought I'd be part of..." "He gave me money..." "Not only P50..." "But P300..." "We drank, dined later..." "City folks are something..." "They don't stink..." "You've got the looks..." "You can be a star..." "You're weII-hung..." "You've got what it takes..." "Your bronze skin is virile..." "I'II introduce you to my producer..." "He'II like you..." "I believed all Lester said..." "I'm going with him..." "I'd leave my paradise awhile..." "Mr. Mando and his poems..." "MiIagring will wait for me come what may..." "She believes what the seer has told her..." "When I Ieft San Joaquin..." "I knew I'd be back..." "I didn't know how and when..." "surely, I'm coming back here..." "In manila..." "I met plenty of Lester's kind..." "Sweet smelling..." "clean teeth..." "Smooth skin..." "Inviting smiles..." "Rich-Iooking too..." "Lester introduced me to his friends..." "Then, I didn't see Lester anymore..." "This is what Lester told me:" ""Be nice to those who'd help you... "" "But later, it became boring..." "So this is 'gratitude' in the big city of manila..." "I'II make you a star..." "You're weII-hung..." "Bronze colored..." "Very viriIe..." "I'II intro you to my director..." "You're star material..." "WeII-hung..." "Very viriIe..." "Many things changed..." "Things I was not used to, but I did..." "They called me a 'star'." "Am I?" "I did pictoriaIs..." "Underwears of all colors..." "Various backdrops..." "Tried all kinds of props..." "AII vegetables in the song 'My Nipa Hut' - I've used them to cover my huge dick..." "'Chin up..." "Chin down..." "wonderful..." "Great..." "beautiful... '" "The Tondo photographer said each time..." "'Keep it hard so it looks better..." "Turn it to the right..." "Turn it to the Ieft... '" "PictoriaIs aren't fun..." "whole day I stood, lied down, stretched..." "Projected..." "AII in publicity's name..." "Went to auditions..." "After some acting exercises, I stripped down..." "To show I'm flawless..." "Check any warts and keIIoids..." "Nothing came out of it..." "But I'm used to it now..." "It's unfair..." "That's unfair..." "I never said I Ioved you..." "Keep this in mind, Diego..." "From now on, nobody's gonna shit me!" "Have a heart, brother..." "If father finds out, he'II be mad..." "I'm sorry..." "I'm sorry..." "Forgive me..." "I never meant it to be this way..." "I was forced by your grandpa..." "What do you take me for - poor man's rice to queue up for?" "I'm sorry..." "I'm sorry..." "He's gone..." "He's left me..." "tell me:" "will he come back?" "My life went on just like that..." "while it was slow in San Joaquin, city life was so fast, I couldn't remember names..." "There are lots of them I forgot..." "I don't recall finishing a movie..." "Or where my sexy photos got printed..." "I know life has become tiresome..." "Are people really insensitive?" "You're star material..." "WeII-hung..." "Very viriIe..." "I go to provinces to scout for talents or lovers..." "It's easier - they're gullible..." "And cheaper..." "You enjoy vacation and men are aplenty..." "Then you may pass them on to others..." "That easy..." "If you're lucky, you win a basketball team..." "Referee included..." "They'd treat you to free soda..." "A pictorial will do..." "In a nearby studio..." "Gay make-up artists have benefits, too..." "Free peep show..." "Free touch..." "Any star I've made?" "None yet..." "I'm only eight years in the biz..." "It's easy to be a Producer..." "Times are hard, newcomers grab any offer..." "'Coz after one movie, they become famous and in-demand..." "digital movies are in..." "And gay films make money..." "Show nude men... gays line up to watch..." "They have money..." "I'm doing this for art's sake..." "Even nudity..." "You may show anus, as long as there's a story..." "That's the trend..." "If I don't go with the tide, I won't be 'in'..." "Just enjoy..." "You'II never go hungry..." "I don't care about those hypocrites..." "They may Iambaste my movies..." "As long as I'm employed..." "There are lots of unemployed..." "I don't want to be jobless..." "I might go international..." "Watch my next - 30 hunks showed off theirs, me included..." "Being a movie writer is fun..." "Free food at press cons, some money..." "Free men at times..." "little promises, and they're hooked..." "'I'II make you a star..." "I'II write about you... '" "Then you may brag:" "'That new star, I had him for free... '" "He's only this 'big'." "You look tired..." "Where have you been?" "Have you eaten?" "I've got food here..." "Come on..." "Join me..." "I'm bothered..." "Confused..." "As though I don't know myself..." "Except that I'm done with swimming in the sea..." "With measly P50..." "Or P300..." "Even P3,000..." "My world is in shambles..." "Swimming for hours won't erase all the sins I've committed..." "SaIacious saliva of all kinds..." "Why am I still into it?" "Because I Iike doing it?" "Cause... cause I... cause I enjoy it?" "I feel I've become Mr. Mando who says a Iot I don't understand..." "One thing is sure:" "I'm dirty!" "Days go on..." "Things are the same..." "Redundant..." "Auditions are gone..." "So are the pictorials..." "Just like that..." "Just like Lester who's nowhere..." "Even my seIf-esteem is gone..." "Who have I become?" "Depends on my waking moods..." "Sometimes, I want to be the toy..." "At times, I want to play with a toy..." "I can't say what's happened to me..." "I'm a wreck even if I don't do drugs..." "Addicted but not to drugs..." "Addict to suckers of all kinds..." "Sorry..." "I'm doing this... for the first time..." "So..." "What do we do?" "What will you do?" "I hope it doesn't hurt..." "My friends say, it's ecstatic..." "How long have you been into this?" "With whom... did you do it first?" "Let's start..." "My Mom's looking for me now..." "I desired for no other man than Leo..." "I was born for him..." "Maybe not now, but he'd end up with me..." "I believe what the seer said..." "It will come true..." "I'm old..." "Sometimes, my predictions fail..." "Is it my first time with a movie star?" "Is he?" "I haven't seen in any movie..." "I'd go back to that bar..." "and see him again..." "really, he's BIG!" "Now I know the feeling..." "the initial jitters..." "Just when I was circumcized..." "Is it true when you make out with gays, you become gay when you get old?" "Why didn't you touch me?" "I'm a movie star..." "Don't you know me?" "I'm tired of touching..." "How about you?" "Not done yet?" "I'm contented ogIing..." "You may have me if you want..." "And I can pay you if you ask..." "Are you happy?" "How old are you?" "Why are you here?" "Take a rest..." "Sometimes, having too much can make you unhappy..." "After that night, something changed in me..." "I asked less questions..." "It's become tiresome..." "I went out a Iong way..." "I felt exhausted." "This is it..." "This is the farthest I can go..." "Somehow, I went far, if I may say so..." "I have many stories to share, if need be..." "I can tell everything..." "I can make up stories..." "Fabricate..." "No one will know the difference..." "We're entitled to our own lies..." "No one will ever know till death..." "They're not interested at all in my fate..." "They've never shown interest in me, anyway..." "More so now that I hardly know my own self..." "How is it in San Joaquin now?" "How's Mr. Mando?" "How are the Six, nay Five - Fairies who fancied me there?" "How's MiIagring and her sweet potatoes and bananas?" "I'm almost there in San Joaquin..." "I don't know if I'd go back to manila..." "What did I do there, anyway?" "Not different from what I did in San Joaquin..." "Oh, I remember this is one truth I Iearned in manila:" "I'm cut for San Joaquin more than any place else..." "Here, nothing bothers me 'coz most of the time I'm alone..." "I'm back again to my Paradise..." "Quiet..." "No intruder..." "truthful..." "unlike me..." "Now, I understand Mr. Mando better..." "I walked that same path and at a certain point" "lost track of what I really am..." "One thing is certain, though:" "Yours is really big..." "Much bigger since I 'baptized' you..." "My life is somehow linked to Mr. Mando's..." "His past..." "Or what he could have avoided..." "We're one and the same..." "Whether he's learned from it, that I don't know..." "Days moved on..." "suddenly, Mr. Mando is gone..." "Some say he drowned..." "Swept by the big waves..." "Abducted by the mermaids..." "Raped by some mermen..." "killed himself..." "Murdered..." "I don't know the truth..." "Must be why I'm here - to remember what he did..." "What he shouldn't have done..." "But had he not 'baptized' me, would my fate have changed?" "will I ever know my real self?" "Since I Iearned about Leo's return, I vowed not to lose him again..." "Even if I'd seem like a dog in heat, I'd follow him..." "I've waited so long..." "Now I know the prediction is bound to happen..." "Poor MiIagring..." "It's about time she gave up on me..." "She may sleep in my bed..." "She may keep me company..." "We can eat sweet potatoes and bananas together..." "Sing together..." "Laugh together..." "Dance together like Mr. Mando did..."