"You wouldn't dare." "You were gonna toss in a Prothgarian broadsword with a Sancteus dagger?" "Let's see...." "Long, metal, pointy." "Yep." "Cordy, the purpose of an inventory" "That " purpose of an inventory" speech again." "This wasn't my idea." "Angel keeps complaining that the weapons cabinet is all different." "But who's the boss?" "You, or the guy with the pancreas dagger?" "FRED:" "What time is it?" "6: 24." "For those of you playing the home game that's three minutes from the last time you asked." "I' m sorry." "I believe the more you' re aware of time, the slower it moves which could make light-speed travel possible, but" "He'll be back when he's back." "Now that she's alive again, will they get back together?" "Angel and that girl with a goofy name?" "Fred, that's a difficult question." "I think it's fair to say no." "Not a chance." "Never." "No way." "Not in a million years." "And also nuh-uh." "You said he loved her." "Of course she loves him back because he's strong and handsome and he really listens when you talk." "If you go for that sort of thing, why wouldn't it work?" "Let me break it down for you, Fred." "Angel, I know that I am a slayer and you're a vampire." "And it'd be impossible for us to be together, but" "WESLEY:" "But...." "My gypsy curse sometimes prevents me from seeing the truth." "Oh, Buffy." "Yes, Angel?" "I love you so much, I forgot to brood." "And just because I sent you to hell doesn't mean we can't just be friends." "Or possibly more." "Gasp!" "No!" "We mustn't!" "Kiss me." "Bite me." "ANGEL:" "How about you both bite me?" "FRED:" "You're back!" "How'd it go?" "Those two summed it up." "To be honest, I don't want to talk about it." "CORDELlA:" "But, Angel, we're your friends." "It's unhealthy to repress stuff like this." "You need to share your pain." "Express those feelings of grief and longing." "Or the curiosity's gonna kill me." "Oh, no." "Wouldn't want that." "I don't care at all what happened." "Shut up, Fred." "Actually, you know what I need right now?" "Ice cream." "You wanna get some ice cream?" "I like ice cream." "Now we'll never, ever know." "ANGEL:" "That's right." "This is the best night." "First, there's ice cream." "Then that monster jumps out of the freezer and you're all brave." "Then we chase it into the sewers, which are bleak, oppressive and homey." "I could build a condo here." "Glad you're having fun." "You think the monster wanted a cone?" "ANGEL:" "Durslar beasts don't usually come aboveground." "They stick to the sewers." "Lucky stiffs." "They lead lives of mysterious sewage, while I' m boring old Fred." "Boring?" "That's not a word I'd use for you." "Fine. " Nutty old goon-bird, in her room, mooching off Angel " Fred." "I don't know how you put up with me." "I need flash cards to" "Pretty crystals." "Look, they' re everywhere." "[roaring]" "lt wasn't me!" "We must be near the Durslar's lair." "Why don't you head back?" "But shouldn't we call Wesley and the Army?" "They're Faulknerian, lot of sound, no fury." "Can you find your way?" "I think so." "1 28 meters back, eastward fork." "207 meters to the southward fork." "Hang a right 1 2 meters in" "I' m just being a big nerd again, aren't I?" "I' m gonna go now." "Are you sure you'll be okay?" "I can stay with you." "I'll be fine." "You don't need me." "Okay, bye." "Are you sure?" "I'm fine." "FRED:" "Okay." "Bye, then." "Fredless" "WESLEY:" "Three-pronged Scythian death spear." "Category 6, weapons cabinet, third shelf." "Back when I was a rogue demon hunter, I used that spear to pin down what I thought was a small Rodentius demon." "The poodle's owners weren't happy." "Hurry and get a vision already." "Gunn, much as I'd love to endure another soul-splittingly agonizing psychic invasion for your benefit" "Yes!" "Yes!" "CORDELlA:" "No!" "Fred!" "God, I wish she wouldn't leave her toys laying around." "Pretty wicked-looking toy." "I'll say." "It almost looks like a spring-loaded decapitation device." "Or it makes toast." "With her, you never know." "MAN:" "Excuse me." "Is this Angel Investigations?" "Yes." "Can we help you?" "I sure hope so." "I' m Roger." "This is my wife, Trish." "We're sorry to barge in on your arsenal here." "But we really need to talk to you." "Of course." "Step into my office." "I'm Wesley Wyndam-Pryce." "These are my colleagues." "Hello." "A pleasure to meet you." "WESLEY:" "What can we do for you?" "It's our daughter." "She's missing." "CORDELlA:" "Oh, no." "Kidnapped by evil fiends?" "We're not sure." "Was your daughter a demon worshiper?" "Of course not." "Could be a vampire." "Hard luck tracking those in this city." "But don't worry, we're detectives." "We can find anyone." "We've already hired a detective." "And he couldn't locate her." "He said she was staying here, in your hotel." "Her name is Winifred Burkle." "We call her Fred." "[trish AND ROGER MUMBLlNG]" "Fred's your daughter?" "Yes." "You know her?" "Is she all right?" "She's fine." "And out at the moment with one of our associates." "Who is not an evil fiend or a vampire, because they don't exist." "In case you' re unfamiliar with our L.A. gumshoe detective slang." "What happened?" "It's been five years." "Has she been here this whole time?" "We've only known Fred a few months, really." "You see, we found her in...." "A fit of depression." "Fred was depressed?" "Mmm." "Over what?" "She had recently relocated and was having trouble adjusting." "So how did you come to find her again?" "A month ago, we got a letter from her." "ROGER:" "With no return address." "She said she was fine and to not bother looking for her." "Five years of not knowing if your daughter's alive or" "How could we let it go?" "We hired the Pl." "He tracked her through an envelope?" "We could do that." "ANGEL:" "Wait till you hear what happened." "These things don't put up a fight." "But this one...." "I'm gonna have it mounted." "Hello." "Angel, you're alone." "And you brought a prop from your movie." "Angel makes monster movies." "Angel, these are Fred's very normal parents." "Ah." "Fred has parents." "Well, it sure is nice to meet you both." "Son, your prop is dripping." "Oh, yeah." "This." "Fake." "You know, a little glue, papier-mâché." "[GLASS SHATTERS]" "Possibly some lead." "So, Fred's parents...." "We heard so much...." "Well, sure is nice to meet you folks." "GUNN:" "No address on the envelope?" "ROGER:" "No, none." "Do you know when Fred will be back?" "Oh, me?" "Well, I sent her back here right before I picked up that prop so I'm sure she's up in her room." "Right now." "trish:" "Fred?" "She's not here." "No." "She was." "This" " It's her writing." "But what does this mean?" "It's just crazy." "We might have to call them in sooner than we thought." "Guys, when was the last time Fred ever left the hotel by herself?" "Couple of weeks after never." "We want our daughter." "So, what's she running from?" "CORDELlA:" "There's just something off about them and I can't put my finger on what." "Fred must've returned, seen her parents and" "T ook off." "Not a good sign." "She sent a letter." "Can you see her sneaking off to do that?" "Sneaking off." "Right." "Fred can barely tie her shoes without Mr. "You're my big fat hero" around." "You think I'm fat?" "Unless it's a ruse to trick us into letting them get close to her." "Making it seem like she'd contacted them." "But if the letter's real, she told them not to look for her." "Fred never talks about her family." "So where do we start?" "Where would Fred go?" "We could hit all the local taco stands." "Joke." "Kind of." "Come on, you guys." "Think." "What do we know about Fred?" "Well, I knew about the tacos." "She seemed comfortable in the sewers." "They're dark, cavelike." "She felt safe." "I'll head back there." "WESLEY:" "She worked at the public library." "What about them?" "We can't just leave them there." "What if Fred comes back?" "ls it time?" "Not yet." "We' re gonna try a few places Fred may have gone." "Would you like to come?" "All six of us?" "Wouldn't it make more sense to split up?" "Perhaps." "I' m gonna check my industry contacts, so it'll be you five." "Industry contacts?" "What--?" "Fred's not making movies, is she?" "Movies?" "You mean--?" "No!" "No, no." "Of course not." "It's just that these contacts know things sometimes." "They' re underground." "Right." "Shall we go?" "Call me as soon" "Yeah." "[KNOCKlNG]" "Figures." "Right when Judge Judy's about to lay the smackdown." "I'm coming." "I'm not deaf, you know." "Can't you read the sign on the door?" "Se habla closed." "Fred, it's you." "The bar is closed." "Good seeing you." "It's been fun." "Bye-bye." "Row, row, row your boat" "Turn the sirens down a notch, would you?" "All that fear and panic's blowing out my fuses." "I'm sorry." "It's just...." "Something awful's happened." "Really?" "Wonder what that's like?" "Oh, no." "Was there another massacre?" "Just the one." "But massacres are like sitting through Godfather III." "Once is enough." "I' m not-- I mean, I don't want to sound...." "Why's it still like this?" "Honey, I don't think you' re here to discuss interior decorating." "Am I wrong?" "Now, what can I do for you?" "I need cash." "And I don't want to talk about it." "I'll sing if I have to." "Easy." "Forget the singing, sweetheart." "Your aura's practically screaming." "You are in a bad place, aren't you, doll?" "You thought you could outrun them." "That maybe you were free." "But those old monsters hunted you down." "I know why you're running away, and you know what your problem is?" "I' m not strong enough to stay and face my fear?" "No." "You haven't run far enough." "[RAT SQUEAKS]" "ANGEL:" "Fred?" "Fred, it's just me." "I'm alone." "Listen, whatever this thing is with your parents we can help you." "Fred?" "Does Fred come to the library often?" "Well, this was the first place I ever saw her." "She loved the community library back home." "Every day, I'd pick her up there after my rounds." "A doctor." "No wonder Fred's so smart!" "I drive a school bus." "Oh." "I've actually never ridden in one of those but I hear they're very nice." "What does Fred do for you?" "It strikes me as odd:" "A physicist working for a detective agency." "Well, Fred's gone through some changes." "And whose fault is that?" "We've checked all the floors." "Nothing." "So, what's next?" "Give me one second to confer with my colleagues." "I knew she wasn't here." "lf you know so much, where is she?" "The taco stand's not looking so bad." "Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson, a little focus, please." "There is definitely something going on with them." "WESLEY:" "So where do we go next?" "Where would Fred go for help?" "For guidance?" "ANGEL:" "Fred?" "Nothing to be afraid of." "[PHONE rings]" "What?" "No." "You?" "The place where she'd go for help and guidance?" "And we call ourselves detectives." "I'll meet you there." "lsn't this a lovely surprise?" "He's surprised?" "I didn't even think he owned terrycloth." "Such a small entourage tonight." "Gunn, why didn't you bring your friends?" "Because they make a party." "Maybe I should wait outside." "You know, I'm not entirely uncomfortable with that suggestion." "What kind of a place is this?" "HOST :" "Do you like it?" "I was going for a Dresden-after-the-bombing sort of feel." "Is this your industry contact?" "Some guy wearing makeup and fake horns?" "They' re not fake." "And it's only eyeliner." "Lorne, meet Fred's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Burkle." "They' re here visiting, from the country." "Forgive us hicks down in T exas." "We don't get guys who wear eyeliner." "Not for long, anyway." "He's teasing." "He just got back from a shoot." "He and Angel do monster movies together." "Right, Lorne?" "Uh...." "No." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Some detectives." "You have no idea where our daughter is, do you?" "Maybe they do." "Maybe they don't want us to find her." "I'm sorry about the bar, but Fred's missing." "We need help." "Really?" "I'm not some mystical vending machine here to spit out answers." "I have a heart." "Granted, it's in my butt but it's still a heart and it's broken." "Why is it no one cares about my destiny?" "Everyone here is all about me, me, me." "What about my me?" "My me's important." "You know where she is, don't you?" "Another thing." "How do they get the pimientos in the olives, huh?" "Do they stuff each one by hand?" "That's time-consuming." "Or do you think they have a little pimiento-stuffing machine?" "Fred doesn't want to see her parents." "She has reasons." "Why force a showdown?" "Because it won't be over." "They found her, they'll do it again." "We can be there to protect her." "Please tell me where Fred is." "I know you' re not a slot machine." "Vending machine, you big palooka." "All right, but play this one delicately, bro  because it's gonna get messy." "FRED:" "I can do this." "Sure, I can." "I can get on that bus and be a whole new person." "Like origami." "Plastic." "Move someplace I've never been." "No money, no friends, no job." "Easy as pie." "3. 1 41 5926" "Oh, hey, I was just calculating pi to relax." "I'm not dangerous." "I could go to Vegas." "Learn to play blackjack." "Memorize 452 consecutive digits of pi, a few hundred cards should be easy." "Nine, ten, jack, queen, king...." "No." "Fred?" "No, you're not here!" "Go away!" "Honey, it's us." "You're not them." "You can't be." "They don't know!" "It's Mom and Dad." "Stop saying that." "You can't be." "Don't you remember us?" "I was five years and so lost-- And at night I would...." "I was all by myself, and you weren't there!" "I don't understand." "I got lost, and they did terrible things to me!" "But it was just a storybook." "It was just a story with monsters, not real!" "Not in the world, but-- But if you' re here and you see me then it's real, and it did happen!" "If you see what they made of me!" "I didn't mean to get so lost!" "Honey, it doesn't matter what they did to you." "Mommy." "trish:" "We're gonna make it all right." "FRED:" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry I got so lost." "ROGER:" "It don't matter." "You're our girl." "I missed you." "I didn't mean to." "Everything's okay now." "You'll see." "You're safe now." "[HlSSES]" "Tell me that's from the movies." "No, that's gonna kill us." "ANGEL:" "Everybody outside." "Angel." "Get them out of here." "I can handle this." "Move!" "WESLEY:" "Let's go!" "ROGER:" "What the hell is that?" "CORDELlA:" "Our weapons aren't here!" "Angel said he could handle it." "Maybe in the trunk." "What's with his face?" "Angel's a vampire." "It's a long story." "I'll tell you if we don't die." "Here!" "Hey!" "Bug boy!" "Get out of here!" "That's my daughter, you damn cockroach!" "Here, baby." "Come on, come on." "Did I get it?" "Did I get it, y'all?" "You do a lot of bandaging in your line of work?" "CORDELlA:" "Occupational hazard." "Sure, there's the occasional demon, who tries to kill us with pillows but sadly, those cases are rare." "ROGER:" "How about him?" "Was he a demon?" "CORDELlA:" "I think Angel called it a Durslar beast." "He and Fred tracked it down when they went for ice cream." "You know how to track these things?" "No." "Mostly I was just there for the ice cream." "I wish you didn't bring it out." "I have the willies." "Don't be silly." "It's just a severed head." "I got it." "Lady makes bug soup with a bus but show her a papier-mâché head and she gets the willies." "Women!" "Gunn, you do know it's not papier-mâché." "We still got that bleach in the bathroom?" "I gotta say, this is not how I pictured this turning out." "They look happy." "Voilà!" "That's French for " I think we stopped the bleeding. "" "Thanks, Cordelia." "Next up, multiple stab wounds." "Angel!" "That's my turn." "What a dork." "How does it feel?" "Like my heart's been put in one of those orange juice squeezers and" "Kind of like a giant bug tried to rip my arm off, and Angel saved me." "He does that a lot, doesn't he?" "It's what he does." "Angel's the champion, and Wesley's the brains of the operation." "And Gunn's the muscle and Cordy's the heart." "And I'm...." "To think, we were gonna call the police on a bunch of superheroes." "I'm not a hero." "More like a bloodsucking fiend." "I don't care if you drink pig's blood, cow's blood or those froofy imported beers." "You saved my girl." "I wouldn't have had to if she hadn't whacked it with a club." "I hadn't seen a stroke like that since Nicklaus took on Player in the '63 Bob Hope Desert Classic." "All right." "I wanna go home." "I'm just not cut out for this." "If Angel hadn't gotten me out of the way you'd all be laughing in the morgue right now." "Okay, maybe not laughing, but...." "But the point is, I think I should go home, where it's quiet and safe and monsters don't eat your family." "You're not disappointed in me, are you?" "trish:" "Oh, Fred." "Never." "Oh, it's going to be so good to have you home." "She'll probably be happier there." "Yeah." "That's good." "[KNOCKS]" "Angel." "Hi." "I invite you in." "You only have to do that the first time." "I know." "I just figured since I'm going home now I'm not gonna be inviting you in anywhere." "Unless, of course, you come to Texas." "Or if you build that condo in the sewer." "So how you doing?" "Oh...." "Fizzy." "Kind of weird and fizzy." "But excited." "A little sad." "Thankful." "Sort of cautiously happy." "Relieved and worried at the same time." "Slightly nauseous, while still hopeful." "Well, that about covers it." "Will you remember everything up there?" "Sure." "It's a story." "Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived all alone in a horrible cave so far from home that it made her chest hurt." "Every day in that horrible cave, she tried to figure out a way to escape." "None of her plans ever succeeded, of course and she'd almost given up hoping when one day just like in a fairy tale a handsome man rode up on a horse and saved her and took her back to his castle." "Now, you'd think that was the end, wouldn't you?" "Dumb old fairy tales and their "happily ever afters. "" "But, see, the minute they got back to the castle the handsome man went away again." "And even though she didn't mean to and want to  high up in that castle, the girl just built herself another cave hoping that he would save her again." "But you can't save me this time can you?" "Rog likes those disgusting alien movies with all that slime and teeth." "He just can't get enough of them." "Except for that last one they made." "But I just can't believe it's all real." "I don't know about aliens." "But demons and alternate dimensions, I know." "Takes getting used to." "I'm so glad Fred's coming home." "This place is too dangerous." "Honey, would you look at this?" "Fred made this." "GUNN:" "Cool, ain't it?" "WESLEY:" "It's a mechanized weapon." "Influenced by the medieval catapult, designed for outright decapitation." "Or it makes toast." "Or it makes toast." "You got everything packed?" "What about the shirt with the bug guts on it?" "You threw that out?" "You' re not taking it home?" "I don't know." "Kind of thought I'd take it with me, guts and all." "You know, as a souvenir." "That's my girl." "In the shower, I had all these pretty things I was gonna say." "I was gonna be all fancy and...." "Oh, hell." "I mean, heck." "Between you and me, I'm almost a little jealous." "Thank you." "For everything." "Bye, Fred." "We better go before I get all runny." "Your room is just the way you left it." "Except for the guy renting it." "But his lease is up in a month." "You rented out my room?" "After the fourth year, we heard nothing from you." "Daddy, I was kidnapped into an alternate dimension." "Well, she was." "I' m just gonna miss them." "T urn the car around!" "CORDELlA:" "In a really weird way, you know who I miss?" "WESLEY:" "Fred." "Actually, I was going to say her parents." "Is that wrong?" "I don't think so." "They were very nice." "Nice?" "They weren't just nice." "They were...." "Parents." "They loved her." "Supported her." "Didn't grind her down into a tiny self-conscious nub with their constant berating and their never-ending tirade of debasement and scorn and...." "At least now Fred's got a shot at a normal life." "Not that I don't love you guys and L.A. and my work but things are just never normal around here, you know?" "WESLEY:" "She was so smart." "I'm gonna miss her." "She was just this nice, quiet kind of crazy." "I found that soothing." "And what?" "I' m not soothing?" "I can be soothing." "I could soothe your ass off, pal." "Plus, she was pretty handy with a five iron." "Right before she almost got killed." "Personally, I' m glad she's gone." "It's gonna be a load off  not having to worry about crazy taco lady anymore." "ANGEL:" "She'll come back to visit." "Do you really think she'll come back and visit?" "[ROARS]" "Well, that's it." "I' m not gonna sit around here and mope like you bunch of mopers." "I'm gonna go home eat some comfort food have a good cry, crawl under my big, fluffy" "Giant bug!" "[SCREAMS]" "We hit it with a bus." "A bus won't kill it?" "I don't think it's the same one." "We are so immensely dead." "Weapons." "Angel, we" "I'm here!" "Fred?" "I'm late." "Okay." "Who's helping me here?" "I am." "So, not a toaster." "Fred, how did you--?" "The crystals in the sewer." "They were on the Durslar head too." "I thought they came from the Durslar, but then I saw this." "Daddy." "Those crystals are dried-up bug goop." "It laid eggs in the Durslar's head, so the Durslar came out." "Wouldn't you be crazy if you had eggs in your head?" "I know I would." "That'd be fine, except Angel killed the Durslar and brought the head here." "So the bug tracked him down to get its babies back." "And when T rish ran over the mother-- FRED:" "Or father." "It might be a hive species, gender- neutral, but I'd have to do research." "The whole hive came to reclaim its offspring." "Brilliant deduction, Fred." "And that little ax gadget is tight." "That was just a random thought." "What if you had to battle without arms?" "Sure, you'd hemorrhage to death, but you could take your enemy with you." "Nice going, Fred." "Oh, it was nothing." "Just a stunning revelation of my true path in life." "Come again, honey?" "Look." "I could go home with you and pretend the last five years didn't happen." "I might even pretend to have a normal life." "But the truth of it is, well, I' m not normal anymore." "I guess what I' m getting at is  I missed you both so bad." "But I belong here." "Unless I don't, which if you all don't want to put up with me" "Let's vote." "All in favor say aye." "Aye." "Motion passed." "Good, you' re staying." "Mama." "Daddy." "This is my life now." "We were hoping you wouldn't figure that out." "Course, we'll stick around for a couple of weeks." "Daddy." "Days." "You know." "Just to catch up and get reacquainted." "And to make sure that you are positive about your decision." "I think I know where I'll end up." "ROGER:" "Spiro Agnew." "I know he was a" "Grathnar demon." "You knew that?" "I thought I was the only one who knew." "What else would he be?" "WESLEY:" "Not horizontally, vertically." "Vertically, you get those ugly drops." "I don't want to hear any fighting over there." "Okay." "Did someone order pizza?" "Fred, pizza?" "In a minute." "I just want to finish this section."