"You know, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood for a lot of reasons." "I'll tell you reason number one:" "As an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay?" "I have three cookies or four cookies or 11 cookies if I want." "Many times, I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite." "Just ruin it." "And then I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it." ""Hello, Mom?" "Yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite." "Cookies."" "So what if you ruin it?" "As an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite there's another appetite coming right behind it." "There's no danger in running out of appetites." "I've got millions of them." "I ruin them whenever I want." "Look, Zigmond." "Look at the sky!" "The planet's on fire!" "It is just as you prophesised!" "The planets of our solar system incinerating lik e flaming globes, Zigmond, lik e flaming globes!" "Zigmond..." " Coffee." " Thank you." "What do you got, a cucumber?" "Yeah." "So what?" "You're bringing in an outside cucumber?" "They refuse to put cucumber in the salad." "I need cucumber." "What have I done?" "What...?" "I can't read this." ""Fullman hurtel vom"?" "I got up last night, I wrote this down." "I thought I had this great bit." "Wait a second." ""Fax me some halibut."" "Is that funny?" "Is that a joke?" "No." "Let me see that." ""Don't mess with Johnny."" "Johnny?" "Johnny who?" "Johnny Carson?" "Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?" "Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?" "Let me see that." " Hey, where's Kramer?" " I don't know." "That's like asking, "Where's Waldo?"" "I think I'm having a heart attack." "I don't think that's it." " I'm not kidding." " What does that mean?" "I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack." "Oh, he's having a heart attack." " Tightness." " Come on." " Shortness of breath." " This is ridiculous." " Radiating waves of pain." " I know what this is!" "You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country." "I saw it in the TV Guide, I called him told him make sure and not watch it." "There was nothing else on." " Here, have some water." " Oh, the left arm, left arm." "He saw that show on anorexia last year ate like an animal for two weeks." "Why can't I have a heart attack?" "!" "I'm allowed." "You want me to take you to the hospital?" "Manhattan Memorial." "Less of a line." "I'll call an ambulance." "Is everything all right?" "We'll just take a check." "You made a mistake on the..." "George." "Are you okay?" "I'm George." "George Costanza." "I never been in the hospital a day in my life except when I had my tonsils out." "You know, they never gave me any ice cream." " I always felt that if they..." " Shut up!" " Well, what do you think?" " "Salami salami bologna."" "Definitely." ""Salami salami bologna"?" "Oh, your friend's fine." "He didn't have a heart attack." "I'll be in in a few minutes." "What a surprise." "Hey." "How you doing, buddy?" "You need anything?" "You want me to go out, get you a Superman comic?" "No." "No, thanks." "You know, I was wondering you know that Blackhawks jacket you have?" "Oh, sure, my Blackhawks jacket." "I love my Blackhawks jacket." "Well, you know, I was thinking, if things don't exactly work out..." "Well, it wouldn't fit you." "The sleeves are too short." "No, I tried it on." "It fits good." "I didn't think about what I was gonna do with all the things..." " Well, you know..." "Well..." " Well, okay." " Oh, and do you think it'd be all right if I called Susan Davis?" "Susan Davis?" "!" "Hey, wait a second!" "Well, it's not like we'll be bumping into you." "I don't know." "You and Susan Davis?" "You know if your future was more certain..." "Okay." "Go ahead." "Call her." "Get married." "Have babies." "Have a great life." "What do I care?" "I'm finished." "It's all over for me." "In fact let's end it right now." "Jerry kill me." "Kill me now." "I'm begging you." "Let's just get it over with." "Be a pal." "Just take the pillow and put it over my face." "Well..." " What, kind of like this?" " What...?" "What are you...?" "Jerry!" "Hey!" "Jerry!" "Elaine." "What are you doing here?" "Jerk-off." "There's nothing wrong with him." "I saw the doctor." "He's fine." "Hi, George." "How you feeling?" "Is anybody getting your apartment?" "I'll tell you, if I ever get out of here I'm gonna change my life." "I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing." "Take up yoga." "Meditate." "I'll eat right." "Calm down, you know?" "Lose my anger." "Hey, is anybody listening?" "!" "Hello." "Mr. Costanza." "Excuse me." "Yeah, you know, doc, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better." "Well, we looked at your EKGs, ran some tests, did a complete workup." "Oh, God." "Mommy." "Well, you simply haven't had a heart attack." "I haven't?" "I'm okay?" "I'm okay?" "Oh, thank you!" "Thank you!" "I don't know how to thank you!" "Hey, that was really fun, George." "Can we go home now?" "No, we'd like to keep him overnight for observation, just to be safe." "Oh, sure, sure, anything." "Can you believe it?" "Nothing's wrong with me." "Well, I wouldn't go that far." "What?" "Oh, my God." "What?" "Is it meningitis?" "Scoliosis?" "Lupus?" "Is it lupus?" "!" "Have you ever had your tonsils taken out?" "My tonsils?" "Yeah, when I was a kid." "Well, they've grown back." "And your adenoids are swollen too." " Really?" " Yeah." " Oh, whose tonsils grow back?" " It happens." "Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays." "I still have my tonsils." "Everyone in my family has theirs." "In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anybody who didn't have their tonsils." "That's interesting, because no one in my family has their tonsils." "And we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people." "Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues." "Excuse me." "Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out." "What?" "You mean, with a knife?" "Yes, with a knife." "You know, snip, snip." "Anyway, you'd be completely under." "You wouldn't feel a thing." "And when you wake up, you can have some ice cream." "Yeah, that's what they told me the last time." "Think about it." "Excuse me." " Sorry." " I'm sorry." "I just have to ask that doctor one more question." "Women go after doctors like men go after models." "They want someone with knowledge of the body." "We just want the body." " Hey." " Hey." "Boy they got a great cafeteria downstairs." "Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar." "It's like Sizzler opened up a hospital." "Boy..." "So how did you have a heart attack?" "You're a young man." "What were you doing?" "They gonna do a zipper job?" " Oh, they love to do zipper jobs." " Kramer." "You know, the really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing." "See, you gotta be careful about sex now." "You get that heart pumping..." "Suddenly, boom!" "Next thing you know you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage." "Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack." "No?" "That's good." "I have to have my tonsils taken out." "Oh, man." "No." "George, we gotta get you out of here." "Get out right now." "They'll kill you in here." "It's routine surgery." "Oh, yeah?" "My friend Bob Sacamano he came in here for a hernia operation." "Oh, yeah, "routine surgery."" "Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going:" ""My name is Bob!"" "George, whatever you do, don't let them cut you." "Don't let them cut you." "Well, what should I do, Kramer?" " For one thing, don't listen to him." " I'll tell you what you do." "I'll tell you what you do." "You go to Tor Ackman." "Tor." "He'll fix you right up." "He's an herbalist, a healer, George." "He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids." "He is gonna change the whole way you function." "Body and mind." "Ackman?" "I thought he was doing time." "No, no, he's out." "He got out." "See, the medical establishment..." "See, they tried to frame him." "It's all politics, but he's a rebel." "A rebel?" "No, Johnny Yuma was a rebel." "Ackman is a nut." "You wanna take care of your tonsils, do it in a hospital with a doctor." "He's holistic." "George, he's holistic." " Holistic?" " Yeah." "That sounds right." "George, you need a medical doctor." "Let me ask you something." "How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in a hospital?" "Well, an overnight stay in a hospital, minor surgery, I don't know four grand?" " How much does the healer charge?" " First visit?" "38 bucks." "Oh, yeah." "Holistic." "That's what I need." "That's the answer." "You like the way I talked you into coming?" "Don't flatter yourself, my friend." "I'm here strictly for material." "And I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine." "I still think you're nuts, though." "All I know is, I've been going to doctors all my life." "What's it gotten me?" "I'm 33, I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty I'm already facing the problems of old age." "I completely skipped healthy adulthood." "I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever." "You can do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm." "I never had a normal medium orgasm." "I never had a really good pickle." "Besides, what's it gonna cost me, 38 bucks?" "Would you not put your foot on that, please?" "Sorry." " What month were you born?" " April." "You should have been born in August." "Your parents would have been well-advised to wait." "Really?" "Do you use hot water in the shower?" " Yes." " Stop using it." " Okay." " I'm off hot water." "Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery." "Yes." "Yes, I am." "I think we can help you." "See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business." "And business needs customers." "They want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery." "Can I use hot water on my face?" "No." "You know I am not a businessman." "I am a holistic healer." "It's a calling." "It's a gift." "You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick." "See, that insures good business." "You're not a patient, you're a customer." "And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life." "What about shaving?" "You're eating too much dairy." "May I?" "I guess so." "You see?" "You are in disharmony." "The throat is the gateway to the lung." "Tonsillitis, adenoiditis is, in Chinese medical terms an invasion of heat and wind." "There's some hot air blowing in here." "You know I lived with the Eskimos many years ago and they used to plunge their faces into the snow." "Can it be lukewarm?" "Too much dairy?" "You really think I'm eating too much dairy." "The tongue." "Yes, the tongue." "Or, in medical terms, the glossa." "It's a muscular organ." "Consists of two parts:" "The body and the root." "You see, it's covered by this mucous membrane." "These raised little projections here are the papillae." "It's what gives it its furred appearance." "Very tactile." "Your tea is ready now." "This will solve your so-called tonsil problem." "It's a special concoction." " It contains cramp bark." " I love cramp bark." "Cleavers." "Cleaver?" "I once had cleaver as a kid." "I was able to lift a car." "And some couch grass." "Couch grass and cramp bark?" "I think that's what killed Curly." "Go ahead, drink it, George." "Excuse me." "Tor?" "May I ask you a question?" "You have intuitive abilities." "You're in touch with a lot of cosmic kind of things." "I have this note I can't read." "I was wondering if..." "Yes!" ""Cleveland, 117." "San Antonio, 109."" "Go ahead, George, drink it." "It's not too bad." "I'm an eggplant!" "I'm an eggplant!" "I'm a vegetable!" "I didn't take your Chuckle!" "I had five Chuckles." "I ate the green and the yellow." "The red is missing." " I don't even like Chuckles!" " Maybe he doesn't like them." "My face!" "My face!" "Get me to the hospital!" "I want that Chuckle, you hear?" "You want me to get you a Chuckle?" " Pull over." " Pull over?" " "Pull over"?" "You want a piece of me?" " Yeah!" " What, you're gonna fight?" " No!" "I'm a mutant!" " Let me drive." " Come on, man, pull over!" "All right." "I'm gonna mess you up, man!" "Really, gentlemen, please." "My heart!" "Where are you going?" "!" "Are you crazy?" "!" " I'm gonna kick his ass!" " Hey, do you have keys?" "You can't leave!" "This is an ambulance!" " This is an emergency!" " I don't like Chuckles, man." "If I hear you one more time, I'm gonna kill you!" " All this over a Chuckle." " What's a Chuckle?" "It's a jelly candy." "Comes in five flavours." "You see, taste buds run on grooves along surfaces." " Can you let go of my tongue now?" " What?" " Let go of my tongue." " Oh, sorry." "Well, I should get going." " What are you doing?" " I was gonna kiss you good night." "A kiss?" "With the tongue?" "The glossa with the bumps and the papillae?" "I don't think so." " You can't just leave him there." " I told him I was gonna mess him up." " Can you call him an ambulance?" " I told him I didn't take his Chuckle!" " I don't eat that gooey crap!" " Hey, watch the road." " Watch the road, man." " Hey, you want some of what he got?" " Hey, watch out!" " Watch out!" "How you doing?" "Can't talk?" "Hey, how'd you get the plastic one?" "I like that." "So how's life without tonsils?" "What?" "What's that?" "So how much is this thing gonna cost you, like 5000, 6000?" "Well, live and learn." "At least we lived." "Kramer went to Ackman." "He feels all better already." "What?" "What are you doing?" "Oh, poor George." "I'm sorry, I can't stay long." "I don't want to run into Dr. Tongue." "Here, I brought you something." "See?" " Oh, please, come on." "It's nothing." " Hey, turn up the TV." "The planet's on fire!" "It is just as you prophesised." "The planets of our solar system incinerating lik e flaming globes, Zigmond, lik e flaming globes!" "That's it!" "That's it!" ""Flaming globes of Zigmond"!" "That's my note." "That's what I thought was so funny." "It's not funny." "There's nothing funny about that." "Shut up!" "I have a friend who's a hypochondriac." "Always thinks he's sick, never is." "Then you have another type of person always thinks they're well, no matter how bad they are." "You know this type of person?" "Very annoying. " Feel great." "I like being on a respirator." "Intravenous, heart-lung machine." "I never felt better in my life."" "Medical science is making advances every day to control health problems." "In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack becomes like a headache." "We'll just see people on TV going:" ""I had a heart attack this big but I gave myself one of these:" "Clear!" "And it's gone."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some criminal, terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass-murderer guy..." "You notice he's always covering up his face?" "What is he worried about?" "I mean, what is this man's reputation that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name?" "I mean, what is he, up for a big job promotion down at the office or something?" "Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go:" ""Isn't that Johnson from sales?" "He's up in that clock tower, picking people off one by one." "I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office." "He should be in bill collection." "I think he's got aptitude."" "She was great." "You don't want to know." "Hey, Brecky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George." "Get this, I got it all on video." "That's it." "This is it." "I'm done!" "Through!" "It's over!" "I'm gone!" "Finished!" "Over!" "I will never work for you again!" "Look at you." "You think you're an important man?" "You are a laughingstock." "You are a joke." "These people are laughing at you!" "You're nothing!" "You have no brains, no ability, nothing!" "I quit!" " Hey." " Hey." "Boy, I have really had it with Newman." "He wakes me up again, last night, at 3:00 in the morning to tell me he's going on the roof to kill himself." " Well, what did you say?" " I said, "Jump."" "He's been threatening to do this for years." "I said, " If you're gonna kill yourself, do it already and stop bothering me."" "At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something." "What's his problem?" "No job, no women." "He called the right guy." "What am I supposed to tell him?" "How much there is for him to live for?" "Why should I lie to him?" "I'm leaving." "I'm going to the laundry." "Why don't you use the machines down in the basement?" "Fluff and fold, the only way to live." "I drop it off, I pick it up." "It's a delight." " How about if I put a...?" " I don't want to do that." " What, you're going over there, what?" " I don't want to mix in everything." "My guys don't know your guys." "You can't just lock them all in the same machine together." "They'll start a riot." "Have you ever met my guys?" " No, I can't say as I have." " Well..." "All right, put them on top." "Oh, beautiful." "This stuff on top is my friend's." "Could I get it done in a separate machine?" "I'll have to charge you for another machine." "Whatever it costs." "In fact I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other because something could, you know, jump across." "Guess what." " How did you know I was here?" " Kramer." "Guess what." " I don't know." " I quit my job." " Get out of here." " I couldn't take it anymore." "You can have this on Monday." "What happened?" "Levitan?" "I go in to use his private bathroom." "Everybody uses it." "And then I get a memo..." "A memo telling me to use the men's room in the hall." "I mean, we share it with Pace Electronics." "It's disgusting!" "You and your toilets." "I snapped." "It was the last straw." "What are you gonna do?" "Look for something else in real estate?" "Nobody's hiring now." "The market's terrible." "So, what are you gonna do?" "I like sports." "I could do something in sports." "In what capacity?" "You know, like the general manager of a baseball team." "Yeah, well, that..." "That can be tough to get." "Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager." "Maybe I could be, like, an announcer, like, a colour man." "You know how I always make interesting comments during the game?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you make good comments." "So, what about that?" "Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting." " Well, that's really not fair." " I know." "Well, okay, okay." "What else do you like?" "Movies." "I like to watch movies." "Yeah, yeah." "Do they pay people to watch movies?" "Projectionists." " That's true." " But you got to know how to work the projector." "Right." "And it's probably a union thing." "Those unions." "Okay, sports movies..." "What about a talk show host?" "Talk show host, that's good." "I think I'd be good at that." "I talk to people all the time." "Someone said once I'd be a good talk show host." " Really?" " Yeah, a couple of people." "How do you get that?" "Where do you start?" "Well, that's where it gets tricky." "You can't walk into a building and say, "I want to be a talk show host."" "I wouldn't think so." "It's all politics." "All right, okay, sports, movies, talk show host..." "What else?" "This could have been a huge mistake." "Yeah, well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through." "I guess not." " What should I do?" " Maybe you can just go back." " Go back?" " Yeah." "Pretend like it never happened." "You mean just walk in on Monday morning like it never happened?" "Sure." "You're an emotional person." "People don't take you seriously." "Just go back." " Pretend it never happened." " Never happened." "I was blowing off a little steam." "So what?" " So what?" "You're entitled." " I'm emotional." "That's right, you're emotional." " Never happened." " Never happened." "To me, the most annoying thing about the couple of times I did work in an office is when you go in in the morning, you say "hi" to everyone and then, throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day, every time you see them." ""Morning, Bill." "Morning, Bob." "How you doing?" "Fine."" "Ten minutes later, you see them in the hall, "How you doing?"" "Every time you pass, you've gotta come up with another greeting." "You start racking your brains." "You do the little eyebrow, you know, "Hey."" "You start coming up with nicknames for them." ""Jimbo."" "How you doing?" "What are you doing here?" "What?" "I work here." "I thought you quit." "What quit?" "Who quit?" "Bill, how was your weekend?" "Excellent weekend." "What about your weekend?" " Fine weekend." " Yeah, good weekend." "Went up to the Cape." "Took the kids sailing." "Lisa was a little scared at first but that kid's gonna be a good sailor someday." "She's gonna be a fine sailor." "Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?" " I got tied up." " I'll bet you did." "I want to remind everyone that the 10th anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at 4:00 in Lasky's Bar on Madison and 48th." "I want all of you to be there." "This really means a lot to me." "Is that Costanza over there?" "What are you doing here?" " What?" " Am I crazy or didn't you quit?" " When?" " Friday." "Oh, what?" "That?" "Are you kidding?" "I didn't quit." "Why, you took that seriously?" "You mean "laughingstock," all that stuff." "Come on." "Will you stop it?" " "No brains, no ability"?" " Teasing." "Okay, I want you out of here." "I don't know where you're getting this from." "You're serious, aren't you?" "Oh, you see you just don't know my sense of humour." "I mean, Dan, don't I joke around all the time?" "I wouldn't say all the time." "You can't win." "You can't beat me." "That's why I'm here, and you're there." "Because I'm a winner." "I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." ""I'll always be a winner, and you'll always be a loser."" "This is what he said to me." " Well, so that's that." " No, that's not that." " That's not that?" " No." "Well, if that's not that, what is that?" "I got some plans." "I got plans." " What kind of plans?" " What's the difference?" "You don't wanna tell me?" "I'm gonna slip him a Mickey." "What, in his drink?" "Are you out of your mind?" "What are you, Peter Lorre?" "You don't understand." "He's got this big party coming up." "He's been looking forward to this." "This is gonna destroy the whole thing." " What if you destroy him?" " No, no, no." "Don't worry." "It's perfectly safe." "I researched it." "He'll get a little woozy." "He might keel over." " Well, what does that do?" "Big deal." " This is what they'd do in the movies." "It's the beautiful thing." "It's like a movie." "I'm gonna slip him a Mickey." "You've really gone mental." "Where are you gonna get this Mickey?" "I can't believe I'm saying "Mickey."" "I got a source." "You got a Mickey source?" "And Elaine is gonna keep him busy." "Elaine?" "How did you rope her into this?" "I told her what a sexist he is." "How he cheats on his wife." " She knew that." " She didn't know he doesn't recycle." "What is the point of all this?" " Revenge." " The best revenge is living well." "There's no chance of that." " Did you get your laundry?" " Yeah." "What's with you?" "He jumped." " What?" " Newman jumped." " Did he call you last night?" " Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "What did you say?" "I said, "Wave to me when you pass my window."" "Did he wave?" "No." "He jumped from the second floor." "Mr. Papanicolas saw him from across the street." "He's lying out there faking." "See, he's trying to get back at me." " Oh, my God." " What?" "What's the matter?" "On Thursday when I came home, I had 1500 dollars on me." "For some reason, I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it." "And then I took the laundry in on Friday!" " Oh, come on, let's go." " Where?" "Where?" "To the Laundromat." "I never saw it." "Okay, come on, give the guy his money." "What are you doing?" "Hey, you see that sign up there?" "I see." "You put up a sign so you can do whatever you want." "You're not a part of society." "Yeah, that's right." "Because this place is my country and I'm the president, and that's my Constitution." "I'm not responsible." "So anybody leaves anything here, you could just take it." "You have a license to steal." "You are like the James Bond of laundry." " You ever hear of a bank?" " Come on, let's go." "No, you can't let him get away with this." " Which one is he?" " That's him over there." "The one that looks like a blowfish." " Oh, yeah." "I see him." " Yeah." "Hey, thanks for doing this." "Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison?" "This is the most exciting thing I've ever done." "Yeah, it is kind of cool." "First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone." "I can't believe we're doing this." "It's the kind of thing they do in the movies." "That's exactly what I told Jerry." " Really?" " Yes." "God, I've never felt so alive." "Maybe we should call this off." "Come on, what's the big deal?" "We're just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine." " And what's gonna happen?" " Well, it'll mix up with the water and then, by the end of the cycle, it'll be a solid block." "If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile." "You're like Lex Luthor." "You keep him busy." "You go over there, you start flirting with him and I'll come by, and while you're keeping him busy I'll slip it in his drink." "Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth?" "Come on." "They're terrible." "They got no infield." " Excuse me." " Yeah." "I'm gonna get some food." "You want some?" "No." "Hi." "Hi." "God bless you." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Really, I mean that." "I am not one of those people who gives insincere thank-yous." "No, sir." "No, sir." "When I thank somebody, I really thank them." "So thank you." " You're welcome." " People don't say "God bless you" as much as they used to." "Have you noticed that?" "No." "So I'm going to a nudist colony next week." "Nudist colony?" "Really?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I love nudist colonies." "They help me unwind." "I've never been to a nudist colony." "Oh, really?" "Oh, you should go." "They're great." "They're great." "Of course, when it's over, it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know." "So a lot of times I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked." " Seriously?" " Oh, yeah." "I usually work naked a couple hours a day." "Glenda, can I ask you a favour?" "Could I have this seat?" "What do you have to sit here for?" "There are plenty of other seats." "I can't explain." "It's very important that I sit here." "What are you doing here anyway?" "I thought you were fired." "Okay, okay." "Fine." "I cook naked, I clean..." "I clean naked." "I drive naked." "Naked, naked, naked." "Who are you?" "Oh, you don't want to know, mister." "I'm trouble." "Big trouble." "What about the gentle cycle?" "You ever use that?" "Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?" "What about fine fabrics?" "How do you deal with that kind of temperament?" "What about stonewashing?" "You ever witness one of those?" "That must be something." "What, do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?" "I didn't realize it was a full box." "I'm gonna count to three." "If you don't give up the chair the wig is coming off." "I don't wear a wig." "One..." "No, I'm sorry." "I don't really have a phone." "In fact, I don't really have an apartment." "I kind of sleep around." "I just like to have a few drinks and then just let the guy do whatever he wants." "Would you close your eyes a second?" "I want to tell you a secret about my bra." "Hello, Rick." "Hey, look who's here." "That's right, Ricky boy, it's me." "You know something, Costanza, I'm a very lucky man." "I've always been lucky." "Things just to seem to fall right in my lap." "You wouldn't believe it if I told you." "In fact, I'm glad you're here, you know." "Maybe I've been a little rough on you." "Why should we let personal differences get in the way of business?" "I..." "I want you to come back." "And you can use my bathroom anytime you want." " You want me to come back?" " Yeah." "Hey, how about a toast, huh?" " Everybody, a toast!" " Rick." "Everyone, I want to propose a toast to 10 great years at Rick Barr Properties..." " Rick." "...and all the people in this room that made that possible." " Rick." "I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our little, shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he really didn't have a very good year..." "How you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know but, hey, what the hell, huh?" "We've always enjoyed his antics around the office." "Anything you want to add to this?" "Drink up!" "I like history, the Civil War." "Maybe I could be a professor or something." "Well, to teach something, you really have to know a lot about it." " I think you need a degree." " Yeah, that's true." " Hey, don't..." " What?" "Oh, my God, the money." " The 1500, where'd you find it?" " It was in my laundry." "In your laundry?" "The whole time?" "I told you not to mix in our guys." "What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?" "It was about 1200 bucks." "Kramer!" "That's Newman." "I'm on the roof!" "Well?" "What are you waiting for?" "Elaine, take a walk with me to the Laundromat." "I got to pay this guy the money." "I like horses." "Maybe I could be a stable boy." "You want to shoot some pool tonight?" "I can't." "I'm going to a movie!" "Nah, it's probably a union thing." "People like the idea of revenge." "You ever hear the expression:" ""The best revenge is living well"?" "I've said this." "In other words, it means, supposedly the best way to get back at someone is by being happy and successful in your own life." "Sounds nice." "Doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson kind of level." "You know, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum." "You think you could go up to him:" ""Charlie, forget the.357. You need a custom-made suit and a convertible new carpeting, French doors, a divan." "That'll show those punks."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "I was watching women in the department store trying on clothes." "And I notice that they do it differently from men." "Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes." "They take a dress off the rack and they hold it up against themself." "They can tell something from this." "They stick one leg way out." "They need to know, " If someday I'm one-legged at a 45-degree angle what am I gonna wear?"" "You never see a man do that, see a guy take a suit off the rack put his head in the neck, go, "What about this suit?" "I'll get it." "Looks fine." "Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants." "I want to make sure." "Perfect." "Now, what if I'm walking?" "Move the shoes, move the shoes." "Move the shoes."" "What are you doing?" "All right." "All right." "What's the matter with that?" "What about that one?" "Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?" "He was good in Man From U.N. C.L.E." "Guess whose birthday is coming up soon." "I know." "I know." "I'm having my root canal the same week." "I hope you got a good oral surgeon, because that can be very serious." "Hey, lookit." "Naked people." "No, I don't want to see the naked people." "Been a while?" "I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone but it was a long, long time ago." "I think my last time was in Rochester." "My hair was a lot shorter." "I remember that it's a good thing." "And someday, I hope to do it again." "What?" "What?" " What was that look?" " What look?" "The look you just gave me." " I gave a look?" " Yes." " What kind of a look?" " I know that look." " So, what was it?" " Why should I tell you?" "Well, you're the big look expert." "I want to see how smart you are." "Trust me." "I know the look." " So?" " What?" " What about the look?" " I don't know." " You got something on your mind?" " No." "Things pop into your head." "You?" "Things occur to me from time to time." "Yeah." "Me too." "Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely." "Well, no, of course not." "I mean, it's something we did." "Probably about what, 25 times." "Thirty-seven." "Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doing in there." " We know the terrain." " No big surprises." "Nope." " What do you think?" " I don't know." "What do you think?" "Well, it's something to consider." " Yeah." " I mean, let's say what if we did?" " What if?" "Is that, like, the end of the world or something?" " Certainly not." " Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?" " I know." "I mean, really, what is the big deal?" "We go in there we're in there for a while, then we come back out here." "That's not complicated." "It's almost stupid if we didn't." " It's moronic." " Absurd." "Course I guess maybe some little problems could arise." "There are always a few." "I mean, if anything happened and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would really be bad." " Devastating." " Because this is very good." "And that would be good." "That would be good too." "The idea is to combine the this and the that." "But this cannot be disturbed." "Yeah, we just want to take this and add that." "But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems." "Maybe some rules or something." "For example:" "Now I call you whenever I'm inclined, and vice versa." "But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call." "Well, why should that be?" "I have an idea." "No calls the day after that." "Beautiful." "Let's make it a rule." "All right, sir." " Now, here's another little rule." " Yeah." "When we see each other now we retire to our separate quarters." "But sometimes when people get involved with that they feel pressure to sleep over." "When that is not really sleep." "Sleep is separate from that, and I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that." "Okay, okay, rule number two:" "Spending the night is optional." "Well, now we're getting somewhere." "Good." " What about the kiss good night?" " Tough one." "Your call." "It's bourgeois." "Fine." "Well." "Well." "You ready?" "Ready." "So you think you can handle this?" "Definitely." " Hey." " Hey." " Got the paper?" " Not yet." " No paper." " I haven't been out yet." "Well, what's taking you so long?" "Oh, yeah." "What's the deal with Aquaman?" "Could he go on the land, or was he just restricted to water?" "No, I think I saw him on land a couple times." "So how's the job situation going?" "Still looking." "Pretty bad out there." "What about you?" "Nothing much." "I slept with Elaine last night." "Oxygen." "I need some oxygen." " This is major." " I thought you'd like that." "Oh, this is huge!" " I know." " All right, okay." "Let's go." "Details." "No, I can't give details." " You what?" " I can't give details." "No details?" "I'm not in the mood." "You ask me here to have lunch tell me you slept with Elaine and then say you're not in the mood for details." "Now, you listen to me." "I want details, and I want them right now." "I don't have a job, I have no place to go." "You're not in the mood?" "Well, you get in the mood!" "All right." "Okay." "We were in my apartment, watching TV." " Where you sitting?" " On the couch." " Next to each other?" " Separate." " Time?" " Around 11." "Okay, go ahead." "So she's flipping around the TV and she gets to the naked station." "See, that's why I don't have cable, because of that naked station." "If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off." "I wouldn't sleep." "I wouldn't eat." "Eventually, firemen would break through the door." "They'd find me in my pyjamas with drool coming down my face." "All right, so you're watching the naked station." "And then somehow we started talking about, "What if we had sex?"" "Boy, these are really bad details." "It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details." "I hate to hear this." "Any kind of growth really irritates me." " I'll tell you, it was really passionate." " Better than before?" "She must have taken some kind of seminar or something." "This is all too much." "So, what are you feeling?" "What's going on?" "Are you, like, a couple again now?" " Not exactly." " "Not exactly." What does that mean?" "Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends." "What?" "Where are you living?" "Are you here?" "Are you on this planet?" "It's impossible." "It can't be done." "Thousands of years, people have tried to have their cake and eat it too." "So all of a sudden, the two of you are gonna come along and do it." "Where do you get the ego?" "No one can do it." "It can't be done." "I think we've worked out a system." "You know what you're like?" "You're like a pathetic gambler." "One of these losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack." "No, this is very advanced." "We've designed a set of rules." "That we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all the relationship pitfalls." "All right, all right." "Tell me the rules." "Okay." "No calls the next day." "So you have the sex, next day, you don't have to call." "That's pretty good." " Go ahead." " You ready for the second one?" "I have to tell you, I'm very impressed with the first one." "Spending the night:" "Optional." "No." "No." "You see?" "You got greedy." "No, that's the rule." "It's optional." "I know less about women than anyone in the world." "But the one thing I do know is, they're not happy if you don't spend the night." "It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little Army cot this wide." "You're not going anywhere." " I think you're wrong." " I hope I am." " Is this yours or the roommate's?" " Roommate's." " Would she mind?" " She keeps track of everything." "Well, that's too bad, because I'm taking it." "Oh, thanks." "Well guess I'll get going." "I got that root canal tomorrow morning." "It'll be easy if I go home." "Fine." "Go ahead." "I don't understand." "Is there a problem?" "I'm getting the impression there's a problem." " Just go." " I'm having surgery tomorrow." " Surgery!" "You're going to the dentist!" " You said it could be very serious." "Okay." "So fine, go." "What happened to the rules?" "Remember?" "Sleeping over was optional." " It's my house, it's my option!" " It has nothing to do with that!" " Of course it does." " Hi." " Hi." " HI." " Hi, Jerry." " Hi." "Such a great improv class tonight." "Really?" "I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths in an amusement park where you shoot water in the clown's mouth and blow up the balloon." "Tina, could you excuse us for just one second?" "Yeah." "I'll excuse you." " What are you doing?" " I can't go if you're mad." "I'm not mad." "You seem a little mad." "No, Jerry, I'm fine." "Really, it's okay." "So you're okay with everything?" "Definitely." "Are you?" "Definitely." "Well good night." " Good ni..." " What are you doing?" " What?" "The rules." "Hey, who took my cake?" "What about jewellery?" "That's a nice birthday gift." "Oh, no, I have to be very careful here." "I don't want to send the wrong message." "Not after the other night." " Maybe I'll get her some jewellery." " No." "You can't get her anything better than me." "Whatever I spend, you have to spend half." "What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?" "You don't understand." "I'm in a very delicate position." "Whatever I give her, she'll be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it." "What does she need?" "Maybe there's something that she needs." "I think I heard her say something about a bench." "A bench?" " What kind of a bench?" " I don't know." " She mentioned a bench." " What, like at a bus stop?" " I don't know." " Like a park bench?" "I have no idea." " Who puts a bench in the house?" " Forget the bench!" "I got it." "You want something nice?" "What about a music box?" "No, too relationship-y." "I mean, she opens it up, she hears that "Lara's Theme," I'm dead." "Okay, what about a nice frame with a picture of another guy in it?" "The frame says, " I care for you, but if you want to get serious perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this."" "Nice-looking fellow." " What about candleholders?" " Too romantic." " Lingerie?" " Too sexual." " Waffle maker?" " Too domestic." "Bust of Nelson Rockefeller?" "Too gubernatorial." "Let's work on the card." "I had to buy a gift for someone." "The hardest part is that card." "The card is a killer." "I never know what it's supposed to say." "And it's getting so tough, because the relationships are so complicated greeting-card companies now put out cards that are blank on the inside." "Nothing." "No message." "It's like the card company says:" ""We give up." "You think of something."" "You know? " For 75 cents, I don't want to get involved."" " Maybe you won't like it." " How could I not like it?" " Of course I'll like it." " You could not like it." "Just the fact that you remembered means everything." "Of course I remembered." "You reminded me every day for two months." "Oh, the card." " Cash?" " What do you think?" "You got me cash?" "This way, I figure you could go out and get yourself whatever you want." "No good?" "Who are you, my uncle?" "Hey." "Come on, it's $182 there." "I don't think that's anything to sneeze at." "Let me see the card." ""To a wonderful girl, a great pal and more."" "Hey." "Elaine, I'm glad you're here." "Stay right here." "I'm gonna be right back." "Stay." ""Pal"?" "You think I'm your pal?" "I said, "and more."" "I am not your pal." "What's wrong with pal?" "Why is everybody so down on pal?" " Hey." " Oh, what is this?" " You got me something?" " Yeah." "Yeah, open it." "Kramer!" "The bench!" "You got me the bench that I wanted!" " That's pretty good, huh?" " Great." "You remember when she mentioned it?" "I made a mental note of it." "Well, goody for you." "Yeah." "See, I'm very sensitive about that." "I mean, someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open." "So, what did you get her?" "182 bucks." "Cash?" "You've gotta be kidding." "What kind of gift is that?" "That's like something her uncle would give her." ""Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend."" "Yeats." "Oh, Kramer." "Could you excuse us, please?" "What?" "We're talking." "Oh, the relationship." "You know, we never had one fight before this deal." " I know." " Never." " Ever." " We got along beautifully." " Like clams." " It was wonderful." "A pleasure." "So I think we should forget the whole deal and go back to being friends." "I can't do it." "You what?" "I can't do that." "You mean, it's:" "No this?" "No that." "No this or that." "Oh, boy." "What do you want?" "This, that and the other." "Oh, sure." "Of course." "You're entitled." "Who doesn't want this, that and the other?" "You." "Well..." "Those birthdays." "I told you, they're relationship killers." "If a relationship's having any problems whatsoever, a birthday brings it out." "I never should have made up those rules." "What is it about sex that just disrupts everything?" "Is it the touching?" "Is it the nudity?" "It can't be the nudity." "I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class." "This means I can't see her anymore either." " Why?" " It's breakup by association." "Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present." "Why?" "What did you wind up giving her?" "Ninety-one dollars." "Sorry about that." "So, what are you gonna do?" "If I call her, there's no joking around anymore." "This is pretty much it." "So maybe this should be it." " Could be it." " She seems like an it." "She's as it as you get." "Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband." "And she tells me that he's a sculptor." "They live in Vermont." "We'd have to kill him." "We'd get caught." "I'd get the chair." "I'd go to prison as your accomplice." "Have to wear that really heavy denim." "The cafeteria, with the guy who slops the mashed potatoes onto your plate." "Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people." "Plus you know what else." "You better call her." " Hey." " Hey." " You got the paper yet?" " Yeah." "Well, where is it?" " Hey, you done with that?" " No." "Well, you're not reading it now." "All right, you can take it, but I want it back." "Yeah, yeah." "So what are you guys gonna do today?" "This and that." "And the other." "Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple." "Why is commitment such a big problem for a man?" "I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of life the woman he's involved with is like an exit." "But he doesn't want to get out." "He wants to keep driving." "The woman is like, " Look." "Gas, food, lodging." "That's our exit." "That's everything we need to be happy." "Get out, here, now!"" "But the man focuses on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit, 27 miles." And he thinks, "I can make it."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"