"# It seems today that all you see" "# Is violence in movies and sex on TV" "# But where are those good old-fashioned values" "# On which we used to rely?" "# Lucky there's a family guy" "# Lucky there is a man who positively can do" "# All the things that make us" "# Laugh and cry" "# He's...a...family...guy!" "#" "How's the garage sale going, Quagmire?" "Pretty good." "Just clearing some of my stuff out of the basement." "It's amazing what you find when you clean your basement." "Peter, you almost done down there?" "(LAUGHS) Look what I found!" "That's wonderful, Peter." "Now if you'll excuse me," "I'm gonna do some sky-writing." "# WITCH'S THEME FROM WIZARD OF OZ #" "(EVIL LAUGHTER)" "Hey, look at all these videos Mr Quagmire is selling." "Wow." "The Best Of The World's Wildest Police Chases!" "And it even has the one with The Flintstones." "(SIRENS AND HORNS BLASTING)" "VOICEOVER:" "Amazingly, this drunk-driver turns left into oncoming traffic." "He narrowly misses hitting a pedestrian who jumps out of the way just in time." "Now the driver can add attempted battery to the charges." "The driver turns right into the parking lot of a drive-in movie theatre." "At this point, the dinosaur in the back seat pokes his head up through the roof and the driver places two small children on top of it." "Now he's not only endangering his own life, but their lives as well." "The driver totals the car and makes a run for it." "But the pursuing officers are prepared." "Running from the cops?" "Yabba-dabba-don't!" "Hey, Quagmire, I think I might want to buy this ham radio off you." "That'll be $50." "50 bucks?" "All right, fine, I'll buy it." "Man, this is a bigger rip-off than Shrinky Dinks." "They've already been shrunk." "Happy birthmas." "(WHINING AND STATIC)" "Peter, you've been fiddling with that ham radio for seven weeks." "Take a shower." "I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing." "So far the only station that comes in is some British guys reading news from places I'm not sure exist." "RADIO BROADCASTER:" "Today, in Kuzikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzili tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Holmsburg Massacre." "But finally, some good news out of neighbouring Kanduzi as locals there have reached an uneasy alliance with the bordering Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal." "And now with sports, here's Framptal Tromwibbler." "From the world of sport, the Contein Spinky Whompers flumped the Floing Boing Welfenclumpers" "70-fluff to 40-flabe." "At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad." "(TONE) I'm not sure about any of that." "You know, Dad, I saw that movie White Noise and they said you can use empty radio static to talk to dead people." "You idiot!" "Ghosts don't exist." "Wait a second, they might." "(STATIC)" "Hello, ghosts." "Come in, ghosts." "MAN:" "Hello." "Hello?" "Who's this?" "This is Ronald Reagan." "Ronald Reagan?" "The guy that used to bang that 70-lbs witch?" "Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States." "Oh, my God!" "Hey, Quagmire, guess who I'm talking to right now." "Yep." "Brian, will you take me down to Baby Gap?" "I want to dress like a small douche." "No, maybe tomorrow or Tuesday." "But you said you'd do it today." "I'm kinda tired." "Oh, for God's sake." "Cancel my Tuesday appointments." "Sure thing, Stewie." "You want me to move it to another day?" "No, no." "Just cancel it." "OK, will do." "Who the hell was that?" "Hm?" "There was another Stewie right there." "Oh, yeah." "Well, I've been so damn busy lately my schedule has been so packed," "I felt like I needed some kind of an errand boy to do all my nitpicky pain-in-the-arse stuff so I cloned myself." "You...you cloned yourself?" "!" "What are you, deaf?" "So he's an exact copy of you?" "Well, not exact." "I have to remain superior so I bred out some of the intelligence." "Made him sort of a simpleton, you know?" "I call him Bitch Stewie." "Would you like to meet him?" "Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie?" "Uh, yeah, I guess." "Bitch Stewie!" "Come here and meet my friend, Brian." "Hey there, Stewie." "Oh, what's that, you got a friend?" "Oh, I'm always happy to meet one of your friends!" "Dear God..." "How do you do?" "Pleased to meet you." "I'm Bitch Stewie." "He's got quite a grip." "Bitch Stewie, why are there no midget accountants?" "Because they always come up short." "(LAUGHS LOUDLY) Oh, another good one, Stewie!" "I don't know where you come up with them." "Isn't he wonderful?" "And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste." "Watch this." "(MOANS HAPPILY)" "It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the '50s." "Steak and donut sandwich, please." "You want cigarettes on that sandwich?" "Do I look like a Mary?" "Yes, I want cigarettes!" "OK, next up on the stage, let's have a big karaoke welcome for Peter and Ron." "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) OK, this is one of our favourites, hope it's one of yours." "# ELTON JOHN  KIKI DEE - Don't Go Breaking My Heart #" "# Don't go breaking my heart" "# I couldn't even if I tried (FEEDBACK WHINES LOUDLY)" "# Oh, honey, if I get restless" "# Baby, you're not that kind (FEEDBACK CONTINUES)" "# Don't go breaking my heart" "# You'll take the weight off of me (FEEDBACK CONTINUES)" "# Oh, honey, when I knock on your door" "# I give you my key... # (FEEDBACK CONTINUES)" "Oh, sorry." "Didn't realise somebody was in here" " What the hell?" "Oh, hello, Brian." "Oh, there's your friend, Brian." "Hey, Brian!" "I sure did enjoy talking to you the other day." "I'm just making sure Stewie is nice and clean for his trip to the playground this afternoon." "We had a little bit of a problem earlier because Bitch Stewie was stooling in the tub, wasn't he?" "I did some poos, I did some poos." "I didn't mean to." "But we rectified that now and everything's fine." "This is really weird." "It's one thing to have him help you out with a busy schedule, it's another thing to let him wash your back." "He does more than that." "Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard." "Look at me, I'm George Bernard Shaw." "(LAUGHS) That's awful funny, Stewie!" "I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is, but you look like an old Stewie, Stewie." "Enjoy your weird bath." "I told him I did the poos, even though you did the poos, Stewie." "Did I do good, Stewie." "That was very correct of you, Bitch Stewie." "You're a good helper." "And what a lot of people don't know is that I was Jane Wyman's first." "You might say I broke her 'Jane Wyman.'" "(ALL LAUGH)" "Reagan is a delight!" "He sure is." "And you know what else?" "The ghost of Reagan is gonna be the new fourth guy in our group." "I'm all for that!" "What other stories you got, Reagan?" "Well, I remember the time I invited Ed Sullivan to the White House." "He sounded a little something like this " ""Hey, Ron." "Tonight we've got a really big show."" "Ah, Reagan does impressions!" "That's right." "And you know who else does impressions?" "Rich Little." "In fact, you ought to go see his show at the Mohegan Sun Casino next Saturday at 3:00pm and 5:00pm." "Wait a second..." "Yeah, no (BLEEP)" "What?" "Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan, that's Rich Little!" "You're Rich Little!" "He must be on his own ham radio." "AS JOHNNY CARSON:" "Uh, well, you know, Ed, the kids say you gotta go viral to promote yourself these days." "So this is not Reagan?" "No, it's Rich Little!" "He's an impressionist." "He's been screwing with your head!" "This thing is worthless." "Like my Palestinian alarm clock." "Allahu Akbar!" "Hey, Peter, what's up?" "Hey, Quagmire." "Listen, I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Slow down there, partner." "All sales are final." "But you were Agamemnon with me during the sale." "What?" "I just saw that word somewhere, I wanted to use it." "Peter, why don't you just go home before you get hurt?" "I'm clearly not the only one who was dissatisfied with his purchase." "Whoever bought that baby from you obviously didn't want it." "A baby?" "I didn't sell a baby." "Look, there's a note." ""Glenn, this is your child." "Next time wear a condom, jerk."" "Oh, my God!" "Now hang on, Quagmire." "There's no guarantee it's your baby." "Giggety?" "Oh, I say that..." "Well, the DNA test results are back." "This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire." "What am I supposed to do?" "I don't want a baby!" "Look, somebody's gotta take this kid off my hands." "I can't be a father!" "Glenn, you don't have a choice." "This baby is your responsibility." "Now, I brought you a basket of things to get you started." "There's baby clothes, some toys and some books." "Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street." "Hey." "What's going on?" "Not really sure what I'm supposed to do with you." "There's some frozen steaks in the freezer." "Bathroom's down the hall to the right." "Uh, if you ever come home and there's a tie on the door it means I'm froggin' someone so give me at least a...couple of hours." "You smoke?" "Stewie, what are you doing here?" "I thought you were going to Bobby Stalling's birthday party." "I hate that kid." "And I hate children's birthday parties." "I sent Bitch Stewie in my place." "(CHILDREN LAUGHING) What a great little party, Janet." "You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much." "Oh, no!" "It's not on his tail, it's on his face!" "I've ruined it." "Oh, no!" "That's OK, though." "Somebody else will come along and get it right." "Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie." "I wouldn't have missed it for anything." "I've never been to a party before!" "Want to watch me blow out the candles?" "I'd love to see that!" "And, gosh, Bobby," "I'd love to play with some of your birthday toys but only after you've played with them and you say it's OK." "You know, Stewie, I gotta say that clone of yours has come in pretty handy." "I uh, don't suppose you'd consider making one of those for me, would you?" "(LAUGHS) Maybe." "What would you be willing to do for me?" "What do you want?" "Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail." "What?" "Lightly grip the base of your tail with your index finger and your thumb and then slide your fingers up the length of your tail to the tip." "Why?" "Because that's what I asked you to do." "That's kinda weird." "Is this some kind of sexual thing?" "Nobody said anything about sexual." "There's nothing sexual about it." "I'm just asking you to perform a simple task." "Take your index finger and your thumb and lightly grip the base of your tail and run your fingers along the length of your tail." "You mean stroke it?" "Nobody used that word." "It is not a stroking motion." "This is a completely non-sexual thing" "I am asking you to do in a completely non-sexual way." "Squeeze the base of the tail lightly with your thumb and index finger and then, while continuing to squeeze, run them up the length of your tail to the tip, and I'll make you a clone." "I only have to do it once?" "I'll tell you when to stop." "(LAUGHS) I don't know why you're stopping!" "Nobody told you to stop." "Give me a little smile." "Your lips look a little dry." "Why don't you wet them a little bit?" "(LAUGHS) My God!" "You're SO weird!" "All right, I'll make you a clone, buddy." "Aw, she's a beautiful little girl, Glenn." "Have you given her a name yet?" "Yeah, I named her Anna Lee but I'm probably just gonna call her Annal for short." "That's funny." "Thank you." "Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff." "What's that big tarp over there?" "That was Chris's blankie from when he was a baby." "He was a big kid." "Almost split Louis in half coming out of her." "It's true." "I never mention this because I don't want him to feel bad but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs." "Oh, yeah." "He dragged half of Louis right out with him." "The doctors said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that." "Oh, there you are, Brian." "Are you ready to meet your clone?" "Am I ever." "I've got a to-do list three pages long for him." "OK, I want to qualify this by reminding you that, as with my clone, the intelligence level is reduced a bit." "That's good." "We don't want him thinking too much." "I might have dialled yours back a little more than I ought to have." "What do you mean?" "Brian, meet Bitch Brian." "Hi, Brian." "You've got some stuff you want me to do for you?" "Oh, my God!" "Yeah, that's kind of what I said, too." "You know, I'll be honest with you, Brian, here's what happened." "I didn't really want to do the work, so Bitch Stewie sort of did it." "Hey, Stewie!" "How did the clone turn out?" "Brian, I can't go to the bathroom by myself." "Will you please help me?" "But I'm good at other stuff!" "(DOORBELL)" "Hello, Candy." "Hi, Glenn." "Come on in." "(JAZZ MUSIC)" "So, how long you been in beauty school?" "Two months." "Well, tonight we're doing facials." "(BABY CRYING)" "Oh, God." "Hang on a second." "OK, OK, stop." "Just stop crying." "Stop crying, Anna Lee." "Oh, no wonder." "You dropped your pacifier." "(VIBRATES)" "You have a baby?" "Yeah, it's a long story." "Damn kid's kept me up each night for two weeks." "Now, where were we?" "Giggety, giggety!" "(SNORING)" "Glenn, you fell asleep, so I took off." "It's probably for the best." "I've never had sex before and I probably wouldn't have been much good at it." "(YELLS) (BABY CRIES)" "That's it." "That kid is outta here!" "Hey, there's another note." ""Glenn, this is your child." "Next time wear a condom, jerk - "" "Oh, that's the note from earlier." "I need a file cabinet." "So, it's just not working out me being a father and that's why I'm wondering if you and Louis would be willing to adopt the baby." "Uh...oh, boy, Quagmire." "I don't know if we can do that." "We can barely take care of the two we have." "Now this is just a suggestion, just throwing it out there, have you considered abortion?" "Peter, I think it's too late for that." "Don't let the press put the scare into you." "Wade v. Boggs has not been overturned." "Yeah, but you can't really abort a live baby." "Oh, boy, they have got you!" "Glenn, Glen..." "(WHISPERING) Give her back to God." "I'm gonna go ahead and move the conversation forward." "Is there any way you guys can take Anna Lee?" "No, Quagmire." "We got enough kids of our own." "Plus old Brian over there." "Right, Buddy." "I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid." "You're doing the right thing, Quagmire." "All right, Quagmire, just so you're clear on the law, once you give this child up to the adoption agency you can no longer abort it." "Hello, sir." "Do you wish to put this child up for adoption?" "Yeah, it's not working out." "I need to get her out of my hair." "We can help you there." "Is it a boy or a girl?" "It's a girl." "Her name's Anna Lee." "Oh, beautiful name." "Let me take her from you." "Well, go on, Quagmire." "Give her the baby." "I..." "I will." "I just..." "Oh." "Here." "She uh...she'll go to a good home, right?" "Oh, yes." "She'll be somewhere safe, right?" "Like, you're not gonna put her with Sand People, right?" "You mean like from Star Wars?" "(LAUGHS) No, no." "No, no, no." "Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's Eye, but I made you one." "Uh..." "OK." "Thank you." "Did you wash my car like I asked?" "No, but I hit with a rock." "OK, thanks." "Brian, I think my jaw is falling off." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Stewie, what is happening to this thing?" "Oh, yeah." "Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian." "I've been having some trouble with mine, too." "Hey, Stewie, everything sounds like rushing water." "And I can't stand up so very good." "Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely." "Hey, Brian." "Knock, knock..." "Who's there?" "(BREAKS WIND) (LAUGHS)" "Well, I hope that doesn't happen to me." "He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket." "Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavour." "I'm not proud of this, but I need to lick that up." "(LOUD MUSIC AND MEN CHEERING)" "This will be great, Quagmire." "A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate your first night without a baby." "Peter, this is great." "I feel like myself again." "I tell you, my life was so dominated by that baby, I'm glad she's gone." "You know, sometimes you just gotta make a decision and go with it." "Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement." "Peter, I don't think" "  Brian, your objections are duly noted." "Hit the gas!" "(TYRES SCREECH)" "You know that would never work again in a million years." "Don't need it to, Brian." "(LAUGHS) That stripper has a rash on her ass just like Anna Lee used to get." "Uh, yeah." "And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap just like Anna Lee used to do." "I guess." "And that stripper only has one tooth, just like Anna Lee." "Quagmire, you feeling OK?" "I don't know." "I think I might have made a terrible mistake." "I abandoned my daughter." "Why did I give away my only daughter?" "(SOBBING)" "Oh, God!" "(SOBBING CONTINUES)" "He'll be fine." "We shouldn't let this ruin our night." "Let's just enjoy the strippers." "I guess." "I just hate the way that one gets so into her work." "You boys have been very naughty." "I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework." "Darn it, fractions are so hard." "What'd you get for number four?" "She said don't share answers!" "All right, here it is. 625 Maple." "That's the family that adopted Anna Lee." "Hey, wait." "Wait, guys." "Well, it's just me and my old nemesis." "First step.  (LAUGHS) Hey, Joe, what you doing?" "You out for a walk (?" ")" "I hate this block." "(GASPS) There she is." "There's Anna Lee!" "Hang on, Anna Lee." "I'm coming!" "(GASPS) It's them!" "Look at her." "She looks so happy." "Almost like she belongs there." "They look like a real family." "I can't take her away from this." "(YELLING) What's happening?" "He's not gonna go through with it." "It's a nice family and the kid will be better off here." "Oh, that's sweet!" "What's the inside of the house look like?" "Colonial." "Furniture's pretty good." "Possibly imported area rug." "Oh, that's nice!" "A bit pricey, but for the money you're spending you know, it's not a bad way to go." "Yeah, for the money!" "Ready to go, Quagmire?" "Yeah." "You know, I gotta tell you, I think you did a good thing." "I guess I just realised it's not about me." "This family is what's best for Anna Lee." "This is her home now." "I gotta let her go." "I'm proud of you, Quagmire." "Thanks, man." "Hey, who knows?" "Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years." "What?" "!" "Did you really think I was gonna change that much?" "Goodnight, everybody!" "subtitles by Deluxe"