"Mom, I wan t some cereal!" "Harry!" "Harry." "Wou Id y ou p lease lo ok after B i I ly?" "I am." "You said y ou wou Id." "I'm try i ng to write." "J ust o ne more hour." "I'm almost do ne with th is p iece." "It's a v ery impressiv e piece, Harry." "Be proud of her." "You k now I wi I I, Lester." "C ome here, B i I ly." "Hey, Dad, want to wrestle?" "N o." "Listen." "Listen." "Wi I I y ou do me a fav or?" "If y ou go and s it i n y our chair and be qu iet..." "I'I I let y ou ho Id th is M ickey Mantle-s ig ned basebal I." "N ow my dad gave th is to me, s o it's very important to me." "Can y ou do that?" "Okay." "Okay, thanks buddy." " Hey!" " Ah!" "Ah h!" "O h, J udy, y our seahorse." "U mm..." "S h it." "Hel lo?" "Hey, ho ney, what's up?" "I'm j ust writi ng." "That's what I'm here to do." "N o, there's nobody else here." "I do n't k now how many times I have to tel I y ou, it's not about that." "Yes, I sti I I lo ve y ou." "Yeah, the p lace is great, y ou k now." "It's an artist's apartment, for an ar-teest." "Do n't cry." "Is he there?" "Do n't cry i n fro nt of h im." "O h, put h im o n." "Hey, sports fan, how y ou do i ng?" "Yeah, those Yanks got a beati ng today, hu h?" "Yeah, I I istened to the game when I was mo v i ng al I my stuff i n." "What's up?" "D iv orce?" "Who said anyth i ng about d iv orce?" "Nels o n?" "Nels o n does n't k now what he's talki ng about." "N o." "Your mother and I lo ve each other, we're not getti ng d iv orced." "I, Daddy j ust needs a I ittle time to p lay o n h is own rig ht now." "I'm not go i ng to p lay with other kids." "You're the o n ly kid I want to p lay with." "I j ust need a I ittle time to write a story and as s o o n as I'm do ne" "I'I I be back, be throwi ng the bal I i n the field." "I'I I be back home and everyth i ng wi I I be the same." "I prom ise." "Okay, I lo ve y ou." "Put Mommy back o n." "Al I rig ht, I'm go i ng to go." "'Cause I'm go i ng to write." "I can't do it at home, we tried it." "P lease can, can we j ust g ive th is a chance?" "Because I do n't want to work at the p ho ne company for the rest of my I ife." "Thank y ou." "You go i ng to do y our pottery?" "N o, I th i nk that's great." "Yeah." "We'I I be artists at the same time." "Okay, I lo ve y ou." "Al I rig ht, talk to y ou... tomorrow." "B ye." "The... man..." "The man..." "The man..." "The man..." "The man..." " The Ape." " Ah h!" "O h s h it." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Relax!" "Hey, hey, take it eas y." "I'm not go i ng to hurt y ou." "Ah h h!" "N o." "Hey, hey, how y ou do i ng?" " I'm The Ape." " Ah h h!" "There's a gori I la i n my apartment!" "N o, lo ok, lo ok." "Lo ok, lo ok." "Your name's Harry, I'm hairy to o." "Help!" "There's a gori I la attacki ng me!" "I'm not attacki ng y ou." " Help!" " S h h!" " Mad gori I la!" " Mad gori I la, hu h?" "Ah h h!" "Oo-o o-o o h!" "Whew!" "Oo-o o-o o h!" "Back!" "Beast." "O h, I learn that." "Ten years." "Primary Tae Kwo n Do." "So s orry." "So s orry." "What?" "H u h?" "Oh, oh, oh." "Who y ou calli ng?" "Who y ou calli ng?" "Hey, hu h?" "Who y ou calli ng?" "H u h?" "Who y ou cal I i ng?" "U h-hu h?" "Po I ice." "U h, yes, I" " I'd I ike to report a break-i n." "Yeah, i n progress." "U h, address, u h..." "it's Mad is o n Street." "S h it, I" " I do n't k now I" " I j u" " I j ust mo ved i n here." "L" " I do n't k now the exact number." "Four-one-three." " What?" " F our-o ne-three." "O h, i- i- it's- it's four o ne three Mad is o n Street." "Apartment F ive-B." "U h, apartment F ive-B." " As i n bo y." " Yeah." "It's a gori I la." "Yes." "A- a- a real gori I la." "Yeah, he- he's b ig and- and- and hairy..." "And, and, yes, he's laug h i ng at me rig ht now." "I do n't k now!" "He es caped from the fucki ng zo o or s ometh i ng." "But he's here." "Yes!" "He's i n my apartment, he's weari ng my clothes." "Wel I, wi I I y ou j ust come check it out?" "It's not a prank, p lease." "Please!" "Just come check it out!" "S h it!" "Got to be dream i ng." "Wake up, Harry." "Harry, there's an ape i n y our apartment." "Maybe y ou're go i ng crazy." "Maybe th is is what happens to writers when they're alo ne." "You're seei ng th i ngs." "I'm j ust go i ng to go o ver here and I'm go i ng to pro ve... that there's noth i ng here." "Hey, come on, Harry." "How long y ou goi ng to k eep up th is game?" "You're real." "Yeah, I'm real and I'm...k eepi ng it real." "What are y ou do i ng here?" "I I ive here." "H u h?" "Yeah, th is is my apartment." "I've I ived here for five years." "N o, s ome, s ome o Id lady I ived here before." "Yeah, Mrs. G I itch." "Yeah, that was my ro ommate." "Your ro ommate?" "What?" "N o-o ne to Id me s he had a four hu ndred pou nd pet ch imp." "Hey, it's eig ht hu ndred pou nds and I was n't her frigg i n' pet." "We co hab itated." "It was co nsensual." "Wel I no o ne to Id me!" "It's news to me!" "Yeah?" "Wel I I bet there's a lot of th i ngs y ou do n't k now." "Hey, what's the cap ital of Paraguay?" " What?" "I do n't k now." " You do n't k now?" "Does that mean they do n't have o ne?" "N o." "Mrs. G I itch and I, we lo oked out for each other." "I mean it's hard to go it alo ne i n th is city." "We were happ y together." "What, y ou, s he broug ht y ou fucki ng bananas or s ometh i ng?" "Yeah." "Yeah, as a matter of fact s he d id the s hopp i ng." "But I d id the d is hes, the lau ndry." "S he d id the dusti ng, a I ittle I ig ht gro om i ng when needed, and after a hard day at work, s he'd come home," "I'd s crub off those corns and g ive her a Swed is h massage." "O h, God." "Al I rig ht." "Wel I, lo ok, y our, y our master is dead." "So, um, I th i nk it's time to go back to the j u ng le." "The ju ngle?" "Sh it, Harry." "I wou Id n't last a day i n the j u ng le, man," "I'm a fucki ng New Yorker." "Okay, fi ne." "Then, then why do n't, why do n't y ou j ust cal I up the zo o." "You can, y ou can make a reservatio n and, and check i n." "The zo o." "The fuck wou Id I do i n the zo o?" "I do n't k now, s cratch y our ass, be a gori I la." "You want to put me i n a cage." "A talki ng gori I la, man, y ou'd be a p henomeno n." "Yeah, I'm no carn ival act, Harry." "F i ne, then do n't say anyth i ng." "You can j ust s it there, y ou'I I get three meals a day." " It's the dog's I ife." " Hey, come on, man." "You k now that's no ki nd of I ife." "You know that's bu lish it comi ng from y ou; a man of amb ition." "And bes ides, I got the dog's I ife rig ht here." "No." "Th is is my apartment." "U h, see I, I, I have the, the lease rig ht here." "U h, see these, u h, two s ig natures." "That's, that's b i nd i ng." "I, I have th is p lace for s ix mo nths." "Hey, that's fi ne and dandy." "But I come with the apartment." "What are y ou talki ng about?" "O h, kid!" "You d id n't read the fi ne pri nt, s qu irt." "Tenant s hal I pay for al I uti I ities i nclud i ng... but not I im ited to gas, electric... upkeep of the Ape?" "Pow!" "And that's b i nd i ng." "What the fuck?" "U pkeep of the Ape?" "That's a god-dam ned mouth to feed?" "Man, I can't even afford my own rent!" "I work for H uman Res ources at the p ho ne company." "Lo ok how fat y ou are, y ou probab ly eat a truckload of bananas." "Man, I can't afford it!" "I'm s or... ah!" "Ow, s h it." "That's twice, Mr. Rude." "You better m i nd y our man ners." "I'm a gori I la, that's how we are." "We're fat." "But as far as my species goes..." "I'm co ns idered s velte." "Sorry." "Okay, I'm s orry, y ou j ust- y ou do n't u nderstand." "I'm a writer." "I, I rented th is p lace to be alo ne and th is ki nd of ru i ns everyth i ng." "So go ahead and write." "Who's botheri ng y ou?" "Mrs. G I itch taug ht a y oga class here o n the weekends." "I never got i n her way." "I'm not talki ng about gym class." "I'm talki ng about writi ng." "About, fi nd i ng man's p lace i n the u n iverse." "It's about delv i ng i nto the deepest, i n nermost cavern of my s ou I." "Why wou Id y ou want to do that?" "Because I'm an artist." "God, I bet Dosto yevsky never had to deal with th is." "Dosto yevsky had a gamb I i ng prob lem." "He wrote h is no vel to get out of debt." "Th is is worse than gamb I i ng." "Th is is absurd." "You k now what?" "You want th is apartment, that's fi ne." " I'm out of here." " Hey, that's fi ne with me." "J ust leave me a check for s ix mo nths rent o n the desk rig ht there." "A lease is a lease." "You kidd i ng?" "I'm not pay i ng y our rent." "Hey, I'd take that up with the land lady if I was y ou." "I wi I I." "What, y ou're not go i ng to cal I her now?" "Yeah." "N o, s he's not go i ng to be home." "Th is is Wed nes day n ig ht." "And th is is her b ig n ig ht." "F irst s he goes down to her bel ly danci ng class, get i n touch with the earth mother." "Then s he goes down and b i nges o n hot dogs at Papay ou." "U h, h i, u h, M iss B lo omqu ist, th is is y our new tenant," "Harry Walker, i n F ive-B." "I was never i nformed about the ape and I th i nk... it's real ly s h itty to h ide it i n the fi ne pri nt of the co ntract... where I'm not I ikely to fi nd it u nti I... the god-dam ned ape po i nts it out to me h imself!" "Hey." "Hey, Harry, lo ok." "Lo ok, s he's not go i ng to come off that hot dog b i nge... 'til lik e noon tomorrow so, looks lik e y ou're stuck with me." "Hey, lo ok, it ai n't the end of the world." "Hey, come o n." "Here." "Go ahead." "You s it rig ht here and y ou write y our masterp iece." "And I'm go i ng to be rig ht o ver here." "You wo n't even k now I'm here." " You k now what, y ou're rig ht." " That's rig ht I'm rig ht." "I do n't care that y ou're here." "I'm not here." "N ot go i ng to stop me from writi ng." " Because I'm not here." " N obody here." "That's 'cause I'm j ust I ike a tree." "Gori I la wet wi I I ies!" "Gori I la wet wi I I ies!" "I lo ve them wet wi I I ies." "Hey, y ou want me to help y ou out?" " N o." " H u h?" "O h come o n." "I'm pretty go od with the turn of a p hrase." " Yeah, rig ht." " O h." "I am." "N o, serious ly, Harry." "I real ly adm ire y ou, man." "N ot every guy can leave h is wife." "S he must have been pretty ug ly, hu h?" "What?" "Wel I I mean, I figure s he was a dog if y ou cou Id go without it." "My wife is not a dog." "Lo ok, Harry, I've had p lenty of dogs." "Ai n't noth i ng wro ng with it." "My wife is very beautifu I. Thank y ou." "O h, s h it." "O h... s he's a fatty?" "N o." "Yeah, I k now, I mean very pretty face but a body I ike a manatee." "My wife has a gorgeous body." "So what g ives?" "What?" "I, I mean, I mean... y ou j ust got tired of it?" "Hel I, I can d ig that, Harry." "The o n ly guy tired of fucki ng C i ndy Crawford... is the guy who's fucki ng C i ndy Crawford." "There's more than sex to a relatio ns h ip, Ape." "O h!" "That's bu I Is h it, Harry!" "You're a guy." "Guys do n't th i nk about noth i ng but sex." "O h, u n less of course y ou're p lay i ng for the other team!" " H u h?" " O h, s h it." "You're a I ittle I ig ht i n the loafers, Harry?" "O h, that's preposterous." "That's preposterous!" "O h my God!" "I s hou Id have seen it the who le time!" "That's preposterous!" "Th is writi ng th i ng is j ust a fro nt!" "O h, my God." "You got married." "You tried to do the rig ht th i ng, but y ou cou Id n't stop th i nki ng about cock." "Ya had to have s ome cock!" "And then y ou rented th is p lace." "And th is was supposed to be y our bang-fest bu ngalow." "You del icatessen of d ick." "But I'm here, and I'm ru i n i ng the who le th i ng for y ou!" "I do n't care that y ou're here!" "If I wanted to, I'd go fuck a guy rig ht now!" "So y ou adm it it, y ou want to." "I'm maki ng a po i nt." "Po i nt taken." "You're gay." "?" "C lang, clang, clang, wen t the trolley. ?" "If y ou do n't p lay the game he'I I stop." "Oh!" "?" "Tug, tug, tug wen t my heartstri ngs, ?" "?" "From the momen t I saw h im I fell. ?" "Ooh!" "?" "Bang, bang, bang wen t Harry, with ev ery ass he cou Id fi nd, ?" "Oo h-o o h-o o h!" "O h, hey, hey." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What about y our s o n?" "What about y our s o n?" "You th i nk he's gay, to o?" "O h s h it." "O h my God." "And he's the perfect age, with no male presence i n the house, for a ch icken hawk to s wo op down, s co op h im up, and teach h im the ten commandments of lo ve." "Wh ich is One; anal." "Two; anal." "Three; cock!" " Lo ok!" " C ock!" "You, or any ch icken hawk goes near my s o n..." "I'I I cut y our fucki ng head off, y ou fucki ng fuckhead!" "O h!" "What are y ou, a poacher, Harry?" "N o!" "But I can see why they do it!" "O h h h h, that's s o mean!" "O h, Harry." " You have s o much hate i n y ou!" " Yeah, hate for y ou." "O h." "O h, o h, o h." "I can't work I ike th is." "I'm go i ng to bed." "I'I I s o lve th is i n the morn i ng." "Yeah, me, to o." "I feel s o d irty." "I'm go i ng to go fres hen up." "Oo o h!" "Oo o h!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Listen, buddy." "I do n't k now where y ou th i nk y ou're go i ng to s leep, but the bed's m i ne, okay?" "P lease, I do n't want any arguments about that, al I rig ht?" "Hey." "You com i ng i n here I ike y ou own the p lace, talki ng about my apartmen t." "I'm j ust marki ng my territory." "It's i nsti nctual." "H ope y ou do n't m i nd, i ns ide's m i ne." "U g h!" "Ag h!" "U g h!" "I had the worst nigh t of my life last nigh t." "Why?" "What's the matter?" "All righ t, if I tell y ou someth i ng, y ou promise not to laugh?" "I promise." "I mean, I wou Idn 't ev en believ e th is myself ex cept that it's happeni ng to me." "Okay, y ou're ki nd of starti ng to scare me." "Don 't be scared, just..." "just k eep an open mi nd." "Okay." "Okay, well, y ou know how I'v e always wan ted to be a writer." "Yes." "Well, I decided to tak e a little time off from Judy... and Billy and I ren ted th is apartmen t so I cou Id..." "You left y our wife?" "N o, it's j ust tempor..." " You jerk!" " N o, y ou do n't u nderstand..." "N o, I u nderstand." "I u nderstand that y ou to ok a v ow." "And then y ou got her pregnan t." "And now she's out there raisi ng that kid by herself?" "You know, I shou Id hav e known better than to confide i n y ou." "Harry, I though t y ou guys were happ y." "We are happ y." "Oh, my God." "If Richard ev er just decided to up and leav e me... and the kids for awh i le, go get an apartment for three mo nths," "I do n't k now what I'd do." "Al I rig ht, let's drop it." "Okay?" "Fam i ly, Harry." "Fam i ly." " Drop it." " It's the fam i ly." "Drop it." "N ow what?" "What d id y ou want to ask me?" " N oth i ng." " F i ne." " Lo ok, can I make a proposal?" " What?" "Wel I, I was p lan n i ng o n us i ng al I the downtime... that we usual ly have arou nd here to work o n a pers o nal project... and th i ngs real ly d id n't go very wel I last n ig ht..." "O h, wel I y ou're not the o n ly o ne." "You're not the o n ly o ne, m ister." "I was go i ng to use al I that extra time to fi n is h..." "Dy lan's d iorama of ancient E gypt." "Al I rig ht, y ou, y ou j ust hear me out?" "What?" "Al I rig ht, what's, what's our bus lest time of year?" "H o I idays." "B y far." "Rig ht." "So, if y ou do everyth i ng rig ht now I prom ise..." "I'I I do everyth i ng at C hristmas." "Everyth i ng." "I'I I do the party, i nv itatio ns, presents, the tree." "That way y ou can spend more time with y our fam i ly." "Help Dy lan cheat o n h is fi nals." "You k now, we were ki nd of th i nki ng of go i ng... to F lorida th is year for C hristmas." "Last year, my fo lks, they dro ve al I the way up to New Jersey." "My dad's getti ng o Ider." "He s hou Id n't drive that far." "And they refuse to fly." "Wel I, F lorida takes a lot of p lan n i ng and y ou s hou Id see... y our parents wh i le they're sti I I arou nd." "You k now, it's not cheati ng that I do with Dy lan." "H is s cho o I, they j ust, they o verload h im with the homework." "He j ust needs a I ittle extra help." "I was j ust j oki ng." "J ust j oki ng." "So what do y ou say?" "C ome o n." "C ome o n." "Al I rig ht." "Ah, ha-ha, Beth y ou're the best." " You're the best." " I k now." " The best." " I k now." "That's what Richard says." "I do n't k now what it is with y ou two, y ou j ust get me to do whatever y ou want." "You do n't real ize how much th is helps me." "I'm, I'm try i ng to make a, u h," "N o vember dead I i ne for the New Yorker." "Oo h." "Fancy-s chmancy." "Do y ou real ize how many of the world's great works... were started i n serial form?" "I mean we're talki ng Dav id Copperfield, War and Peace." "Tom Wo lfe does al I h is stuff that way nowadays." " H i, Harry." " O h, hey, Cathy." "H ow y ou do i ng?" "What are y ou worki ng o n there?" " J ust work." " Wel I, let me take a lo ok." "O h." "I'd rather y ou lo ok at the fi nal product." "Yeah." "Step as ide, Harry." "It's noth i ng, it's j ust..." "Hey." "Hey-hey!" "Do y ou real ize what y ou j ust d id?" "We do n't al low pers o nal projects o n company time, s o whatever y ou do here belo ngs to me." "You d id n't have to delete it, I d id n't even save it." "Yeah." "I s hou Id fire y ou." " O h, come o n." " N o, y ou come o n." "You s hou Id be do i ng y our j ob but i nstead... y ou're writi ng y our goddam n memo irs?" "Hel I yeah, I s hou Id fire y ou." "Wel I, I k now y ou'd I ike to fire me but y ou can't." "I can't." "You can not fire an emp lo yee without g iv i ng h im... an official warn i ng and a chance to correct h is behav ior." "I work for human res ources, I k now these th i ngs." "Wel I, co ns ider th is y our warn i ng, y ou I ittle worm." "You k now, y ou make the who le department lo ok bad." "What is wro ng with y our head?" "C ome o n, I ike y ou do n't make pers o nal cal Is i n the office." "I k now how y ou g irls are." "O h, he said th is, s o I d id that, b lah-b lah-b lah." "Same th i ng, we're no d ifferent." "We're not talki ng about me." "I ru n a tig ht s h ip." "We're talki ng about y ou and y our s h iftless ways." "And s i nce y ou'I I no lo nger be writi ng y our no vel... o n my d ime, seems y ou'I I have a lot more time o n y our hands before C hristmas," "wh ich is why I've chosen y ou to g ive the S.M.A. D." "Motivatio nal presentatio n to the IT department tomorrow morn i ng." "C ome o n, I'm not go od at presentatio ns." "Beth g ives the presentatio ns." "O h, wel I, Beth is bus y rig ht now s o I'm delegati ng it to y ou." "Lo ok, I'm not a very go od pub I ic speaker." "I'm a man of the pen." "N ot tomorrow morn i ng y ou're not." "Tomorr.?" "That's I ike no time to prepare." "I mean it's go i ng to be terrib le." "I can't bel ieve y ou're comp lai n i ng to y our boss after s he gave y ou a warn i ng." "What u n iverse do y ou I ive i n that y ou th i nk that's a smart mo ve?" "Al I rig ht." "I'I I do it." "Yeah." "If y ou do n't want to lose y our j ob, y ou'I I do it." "Do y ou I ive and breathe th is stup id j ob?" "We work for the p ho ne company for C hrist's sake." "Do n't say that!" "I lo ve th is company." "Do y ou have a I ife?" "Harry." "I'm leav i ng." "And if y ou do n't do a go od j ob... at the motivatio nal presentatio n tomorrow, y ou wi I I be fired." "You enj o y th is, do n't y ou?" "O h, enj o y what?" "Wield i ng y our power, ho Id i ng me down." "Bet y ou'd j ust lo ve to step o n my face with y our h ig h heel." "Go y." "So much for y our b ig no vel, hu h?" "B itch and her official warn i ngs." "Yeah, I th i nk s he's bei ng a I ittle hars h, Harry." "O h, yeah." "You th i nk?" "N o, I'm serious." "I mean y ou cou Id be rig ht." "I th i nk s he cou Id be after y ou." "It al I seems pretty fis hy." "I mean especial ly s i nce s he spends al I her time o n the i nternet." " What, lo oki ng up porn?" " N o." "H mm." "But close." "S he spends al I of her time checki ng the bu I leti n board... at Rendez-Jew, try i ng to ho ok up." " What's Rendez-Jew?" " Rendez-Jew." "You k now, rendezv ous with a Jew." "It's I ike Jewis h lo ve co n nectio n." "Jews seeki ng Jews." "I got to tel I y ou, I'm s o g lad I'm married." "Why wou Id a g irl I ike that need the i nternet to fi nd a date?" "S he's hot." "S he's got a great body." "Because, Harry, it's not about sex." "S he's lo oki ng for s omebody to settle down with." "Somebody to hav e kids with." "A life mate." "But the i nternet." "That's I ike the supermarket." "I agree." "But y ou k now what?" "It's the modern way." "And s he's lo oki ng for a very specific type." "I mean y ou k now how p icky s he is." "Yeah, wel I, I k now what s he needs." "S he needs s omeo ne to h it her hard, put her to bed wet." " Then s he'd get o ver al I that." " Ew." "You're s o d isgusti ng, such a typ ical guy." "Grrr!" "Althoug h I can tel I y ou s he was s crewi ng Raou I for mo nths." " Raou I?" " Yeah." "The guy who works i n the mai I ro om?" "I know." "And he treated her I ike d irt, to o." "Thoug ht s he wanted a specific type." "I k now, it's crazy." "It's I ike s he's got th is sp I it pers o nal ity, y ou k now?" "On one hand she wan ts somebody successfu I and rich." "On the other, s he j ust can't stop herself... from s crewi ng Lati n guys who can dance." "It's very self-destructive." "Raou I?" "Yeah." "But that was mo nths ago." "The guy does n't even bathe." "Harry, is there s ometh i ng wro ng with y our head?" "You k now, I'm a real ly go od dancer." "All righ t." "But what I asked y ou was, is there s ometh i ng... wro ng with y our head?" "I do n't k now it's j ust, j ust itch i ng." "C ome here." " What?" " Let me see." "Let me see." " O h, Harry, y ou have I ice." " What?" " When I close my eyes..." " Hey!" "...and i n dark ness dwel I, a private prism dev oted to y ou..." " Who said y ou cou Id read th is?" " Hey!" "O h!" "Hey, it, it's bri I I iant." "New York Times raves bri I I iant." "We have a new poet amo ngst us." "I never i ntended to pub I is h th is." "I wrote it i n co I lege." "O h, I k now, y ou got a C-p lus wh ich is better than average." "The teacher had a prob lem with me." "S he d id n't u nderstand where I was com i ng from." "Hey, hey, do n't s weat it, Harry." "A lot of writers are m isu ndersto od i n the beg i n n i ng, and later o n, they b loss om." "Do n't patro n ize me." "You're a fucki ng gori I la." "What are y ou sti I I do i ng here?" "O h, y ou k now, as they say i n the j u ng le... hang i ng." "Why d id n't the land lady s how up?" "Oo h, I'd, u h, check my messages if I were y ou." "You hav e one mes..." "Mr. Walk er, th is is y our landlady, Miss Bloomqu ist." "I don 't know if there's a h istory of men tal ill ness... i n y our family or y ou just wen t on a bender." "I'v e check ed and there's no ape i n that apartmen t." "Where were y ou?" "I don 't know what y ou though t y ou read i n the lease, but look at it agai n because there is no goddamn clause... about upk eep of an ape." "What?" "I'v e already con tacted my lawyer, and if th is is a ruse to get out of the lease," "I'll tak e y ou to the mat." "Where's that goddam n lease?" "O h, u h, rig ht here, boss." "Rig ht here." "Rig ht here, boss." "Comi ng up here, boss." " U pkeep of the ape!" " U pkeep of the ape!" " U pkeep of the ape!" " U pkeep of the ape!" "Whoa, yeah." "I agree with y ou." "I do n't k now what s he's talki ng about, but it looks lik e if y ou mess arou nd, s he's go i ng to take y ou to the... mat!" "What are y ou, the peanut gal lery?" "N o." "I'm o n y our s ide, Har." "I j ust do n't th i nk y ou can afford to get sued rig ht now." "I'I I worry about my own fi nances al I rig ht, y ou fucki ng freeloader." "Where were y ou when s he s howed up?" "O h, s he must of j ust m issed me." "I had to step out for a bus i ness meeti ng." " You had a bus i ness meeti ng." " U h, yeah." " What ki nd of bus i ness?" " Mo nkey bus i ness." "You're h i larious." "You k now y ou gave me I ice, ass ho le?" "O h, s h it." "That's my specialty." "C ome here." "N ow y ou're talki ng my field, ch ief." "C ome o n, bab y." "C ome o n, s it down rig ht here." "Rig ht." "O h wait." "I got y ou." "Aah." " O h." " H ow embarrass i ng." "Mmmm..." "They sent th is memo out at work about a I ice outbreak... and every o ne k nows it came from me." "O h, where I come from that's co ns idered an ho nor." "Wel I, that's the d ifference between beasts and men." "We no lo nger enj o y eati ng bugs off each other." "Mmm, Harry, do n't be abo ve y our nature." "You're an an imal j ust I ike the rest of us." "I'm an an imal i n bed." "That's it." "The rest is al I m i nd." "M i nd is o verrated, Harry." "It's al I about i nsti ncts." "Wel I that's why y ou'I I never write a no vel and I wi I I." "N ot at th is rate y ou wo n't." "O h lo ok, I'm taki ng o ne n ig ht off." "I have to prepare th is speech for tomorrow... or I'I I be fired." "Ag h, real ly com i ng down o n y ou at work, hu h?" "Man, my boss." "S he th i nks s he's such hot s h it." "S he's al I i nto th is female empowerment th i ng." "Wait." "Your boss is a female?" "And s he's try i ng to dom i nate y ou?" " That's o ne way to put it." " Ag h." "That wou Id never happen i n the primate world." "A female wou Id never dom i nate the male." "The male j ust fi nds the female he wants... and he j ust takes her." "Wel I, i n the human world that's cal led rape." "It's i I legal." "You can do s ome serious time for it." "You humans got a fucki ng ru le for everyth i ng." "All righ t, look, I don 't hav e time for th is." "I got to prepare th is presentatio n." "Hey, wel I, why do n't y ou try it out o n me?" "N o." "Lo ok, I appreciate the I ice-p icki ng but th is is serious." "Wel I no, wou Id n't it be better to g ive it to s omeo ne... than j ust do it out i n a vacuum?" "Al I rig ht, but no j okes." "O h great." "I prom ise." "Hey, I'm, I'm proud of th is." "I've never do ne anyth i ng I ike th is before." "Got it." "Okay." "Go od morn i ng, IT Department." "I'm s o happ y to be here with y ou th is morn i ng." "Let's get motivated!" "Al I rig ht." "F irst, let's get to k now each other." "Who's ex cited about the Yankee game th is weekend?" "Al I rig ht." "That's s ometh i ng we have i n commo n." "We al I want the Yankees to wi n... j ust I ike we al I want Bro okly n Bel I to wi n." "N ow, the Yankees are hav i ng a wi n n i ng seas o n and... they're probab ly go i ng to make it al I the way to the World Series." "Why is n't the IT Department hav i ng a wi n n i ng seas o n?" "I want to see y ou guys succeed!" "I want to see y ou guys make it to the world series... of telecommu n icatio n." "U ug h, that was s o gay." "Hey, man, y ou said y ou'd be co o I." "N ow, s i nce we're getti ng to k now each other, let's get to k now each other's pers o nal ities." "Th is is what we cal I S.M.A. D." "Each letter stands for a d ifferent type." "S for s ocial, M for martyrs, A for amb itious," "D for dependab le." "N ow I k now what y ou're th i nki ng." "I am u n ique." "I do n't fal I u nder any of these categories." "But we've tested it and y ou do." "N ow, I wi I I beg i n." "I am an A." "A's are, of course, amb itious, but, we're als o very creative, i ntel I igent, v is io naries... usual ly CEO's, MVP's, that type of th i ng." "Yes?" "Yeah, u h, how d id an A I ike y ou get stuck i n human res ources?" "Is n't that where they put the peop le with zero talent?" " Man, y ou said no j okes." " O h, th is is rid icu lous, Harry." "D id y ou actual ly take that test?" "Yes." "I to ok the test and I'm an A." "O h." " May I co nti nue?" " O h, certai n ly." "N ow, the A's usual ly fal I at the top of the company p yram id... s o we are a m i nority." "The rest of y ou wi I I probab ly fal I u nder o ne of these other three." "Next are the S's." "Socials." "Some peop le, i n I ife, I ike to I isten." "Others I ike to talk." "These are the S's." "They I ike to talk about bus i ness, but they als o I ike to talk about everyth i ng." "Talkers." "They're not usual ly as creative as the A's, but if they happen to come up with an i ntu itive idea, they appreciate a rou nd of app lause and a n ice pat o n the back." "Hey." "That's y ou." "That's y ou, Harry." "You're not an A y ou're an S." "Or actual ly y ou're an S with an A i n fro nt and an S beh i nd it." " But that's y ou." " N o, I am an A." "Harry, A's do n't g ive these speeches." "A's are off o n yachts s omewhere or creati ng masterp ieces." "I'm not an A at Bro okly n Bel I, stup id." "I am an A of I ife." "Step back, Jack." "I'm an A." "I'm an ape I iv i ng as a wh ite man." "If that ai n't a v is io nary I do n't k now what the fuck is." "You are an A with two S's beh i nd it." "Oh!" "Oh, that was creativ e." "O h, u nusual for an S I ike y ou to come up with s ometh i ng I ike that." "Hey, I'I I g ive y ou s ome app lause." "Heeeeey!" "C ome o n, al I y ou IT dorks!" "Heeey!" "Great, as far as that speech goes." "O h!" "I'm motivated - yeah!" "O h, I guess y ou th i nk y ou cou Id g ive a better speech?" "I do n't have to." "I thoug ht we j ust went o ver that, y ou s i I ly I ittle S." "I am not an S." "S's are always deny i ng their S-ness." "It is imposs ib le for me to be an S." "I left my wife and ch i Id to pursue my dream." "An S wou Id never do that." "He'd j ust stand arou nd and talk about it." " That is such an S's comment." " I am not an S!" "Oh, what do y ou wan t, applause?" "Heeey!" "Left h is wife and kid." "Heeey!" "Wo o o o!" "Heeeey!" "Okay fi ne, Ape, fi ne." "You're an A, I'm an S." "Whatever." "And S's lo v e to talk on the phone." " S hut up." " You s hut up." "N o, ho ney, there's no o ne else here." "I do n't k now how many times I have to tel I y ou, it's not about that." " Yes, I sti I I lo ve y ou." " Sou nds I ike it." "I'm s orry, I'm j ust i n a bad mo od." "What's up?" "You want to borrow the card?" "F i ne." "What's goi ng to cost two hu ndred dollars?" "A m i n i van?" "H o ney, lo ok, there's p lenty of pottery s hows i n the city, why do y ou have to go al I the way to Wo odstock?" "Your stuff got i n." "What, that stuff I saw at the house?" "U h-hu h..." "N o, lo ok, I, I th i nk that's great I... who's th is 'we'?" "Wel I y ou said, we need to rent a m i n i van... s o we can transport our pottery." "Another ro oster i n the hen house?" "You, y ou're go i ng with Lester?" "O h, s orry, F I ies With Eag les?" "Yeah, I th i nk it's a stup id name." "He's wh ite." "Harry." "Put th is o n speaker p ho ne, I want to hear it." "Har!" "Yeah, no I, I m ig ht have a prob lem with it." "Yeah, wel I I th i nk y ou wou Id." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hello?" "Are y ou there?" "Yeah!" "Am I on speak er?" "U h, yeah, my hands are fu I I." "So what is th is, I ike a date?" "Like a pottery date?" "He's my teacher." "Yeah, I k now he's y our teacher." "But I als o k now y ou lo ok up to h im I ike a god." "And he'd do that s cene from Ghost with y ou i n I ike two seco nds." " Harry, don 't be jealous." " I'm not jealous." "Then why don 't y ou support me i n th is?" "I do support y ou." "I j ust th i nk F I ies With Eag les is a fucki ng hack." "I've seen h is stuff." "It's cl iché." "He's not go i ng to be o ne of the great potters of our time." "Well, at least he's maki ng a liv i ng doi ng what he lo v es, wh ich is more than I can say for y ou." "Harry?" "Harry are y ou there?" "J ust a m i nute." "Harry." "Harry?" "Are y ou okay?" "You do n't bel ieve i n me." "Harry, that's not what I mean t." "N o, I'm g lad to k now what y ou real ly feel." "Harry that's not what I really feel, it came out of anger." "You i nsu ited Flies With Eagles." "Fuck F I ies With Eag les!" "And fuck y our pottery." "You k now, th is co nfirms everyth i ng." "That's why I had to get out." "I ntu itively, I k new y ou were sucki ng my energy." "You're o v erreacti ng agai n." "O h no, I'm not, y ou crazy maker." "You j ust want to waste my time and mo ney." "Wel I fi ne." "Go to Wo odstock, have a h ipp ie-d ipp ie time." "See if I care." "You k now, al I great artists are betrayed b y those they lo ve." "Th is'I I o n ly help my writi ng." "Well if that's true, then it's certai nly... goi ng to help my pottery." "Wel I talent wi I I out, J udy." "Talent wi I I out!" "Oo-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o h!" "O h, Har." "Har!" "Hey-hey!" "I k now that s he d id n't g ive y ou the app lause... y our I ittle S-ass needs, but I wi I I." "Oo-o o o o h!" "Harry Walker!" "Oo-o o-wo o!" "My bo y!" "Wo o-ho o!" "I'm not do i ng anyth i ng Saturday n ig ht." "Yeah, that s ou nds n ice." "I, I wou Id lo ve to, but if y ou do n't m i nd," "I wou Id I ike to clarify a few th i ngs before I comm it to th is." "F irst of al I, y ou're real ly a doctor?" "You do n't work i n an urgent care cl i n ic, do y ou?" "Free cl i n ic." "Even better." "I k now y our profi le says that y ou want ch i Idren, but I'd I ike to check o n that because s ome times peop le, y ou k now, they I ie about that." "Yes." "I am not talki ng about getti ng preg nant... o n the first date or anyth i ng, but, yeah, with i n the first eig ht mo nths or s o." "Do y ou have venereal d iseases?" "That's a rel ief." "Okay, u h... yeah, th is next o ne's a I ittle awkward, but... i n y our p hoto, it lo oks I ike y ou have a comb-o ver." "Are y ou bald?" "You are." "O h, wel I no, that's okay." "My dad was bald." "And how often do y ou go to temp le?" "J ust a seco nd!" "Listen, E I i." "I have to go." "But, we're sti I I o n for Saturday n ig ht, rig ht?" "What do y ou mean 'we'I I see'?" "We'I I see?" "Wel I, I'I I cal I y ou." "Do n't bother?" "H ow rude!" "C ome i n." "Hey, Harry." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes." "I hear that the motivatio nal presentatio n d id n't go very wel I." "I n fact I hear it was a d isaster." "You were preoccup led, b leary eyed, cou Id hard ly stri ng a sentence together." "O h, and when y ou were co herent, y ou kept i ns isti ng that y ou were an A and they were al I S's?" "I said probab ly." "Harry, th is is not the way S.M.A. D. Works." "It is a group bu i Id i ng tech n ique." "You actual ly managed to create a b igger rift i n the department." "The emotio nal s cars are palpab le." "I to Id y ou I was n't a go od pub I ic speaker." "It s ou nds I ike y ou d id n't even try." "Wel I y ou gave me I ike no time to prepare." "So th is is my fau lt?" "You k new it was go i ng to be terrib le... and now y ou're com i ng down o n me." "It's I ike y ou're setti ng me up to fai I." "Well, I feel lik e y ou're setti ng me up to fail." "I ru n th is department." "It is my respo ns ib i I ity to see that the S.M.A. D. Campaig n... goes smo oth ly and it's y our j ob to help me get that do ne." "I'm also i n charge of a lot of other th i ngs arou nd here... that y ou lik e to b low off as well." "You may not care, Harry, but I do." "And when y ou sh irk y our work, y ou write no v els... i n the office, g ive me attitude, bri ng I ice i nto the office, th is reflects o n me, Harry." "And not wel I. And it wi I I stop." "You got it?" "F i ne." "N o." "N ot fi ne." "Do y ou got it?" "!" "Got it." "Jeez." "My career is at stake here, Harry." "Career." "H u h." "What d id y ou say?" "I said;" "career." "H u h." "What is that supposed to mean?" "It means y ou do n't g ive two s h its about th is j ob." "You're j ust hang i ng arou nd, b id i ng y our time... 'til someone comes along to play house with." "You're j ust waiti ng for s omeo ne to g ive y ou... the b ig M. R.S." " M. R. S?" " Mrs. Go Id D iggu h." "Harry, I'm a worki ng woman." "I do n't need any man to fix my I ife." "That's rig ht." "You do n't need j ust any man." "You need a Jewis h man that y ou m ig ht fi nd o n Rendez-Jew." "O h, do n't be embarrassed, Cathy, o n ly the who le office k nows." "O h, y ou k now, I real ly do n't k now what y ou're talki ng about." "C ome o n." "We saw y our profi le." ""I enj o y lo ng walks o n the beach, cand lel it d i n ners." "I go to temp le o nce a week."" "I'm s orry, Harry, u h, that was n't me." "Cathy Schwartz is a very commo n name." "And Raou I i n the mai I ro om was the best fuck I ever had." "I never put that i n my profi le." "Ha-ha ha-hah!" "You adm it it!" "You're o n Rendez-Jew!" "Rendez-Jew!" "You're on Rendez Jew..." "Rendez Jew." "Jeeww." "Okay, yes, Harry, I'm o n Rendez-Jew." "F i ne, y ou got me." "You know, really, b ig deal." "It's the modern way, there's noth i ng wro ng with it." "That's rig ht." "That's rig ht." "There's noth i ng wro ng with it, u n less it's o n company time." "C ompany time." "You hypocrite." "H ypocrite." "F i ne." "F i ne, Harry." "You got me." "God, I'm pathetic." "C ome o n." "You're busti ng my bal Is s o I j ust las hed out." "O h j ust stop talki ng, Harry, y ou're maki ng it worse." "Wel I, I guess I j ust do n't u nderstand why a g irl I ike y ou... has to go to the i nternet to fi nd a date." "Yeah, y ou wou Id n't u nderstand, Harry." "You're married." "C ome o n, I bet guys are al I o ver y ou." "O h, they're not." "I'm the laug h i ng stock of my fam i ly." "My s ister j ust got married." "S he's three years y ou nger than I am." "I'm I ike th is cow they can't get rid of." "I'm sure it's not that bad." "When was the last time y ou had a date?" "U h, I had a date last week." "But that does n't mean that I got laid." "Laid?" "I thoug ht y ou wanted to get married." "Yes, I want to get married and I want to get laid." "Is that s o hard to u nderstand?" "N o, I j ust d id n't k now." " O h, God, it's been mo nths." " What, s i nce Raou I?" "Frankly... yes." "Why h im?" "He's not Jewis h." "Yeah, but he's a man." "I mean amo ngst al I these executives he's the o n ly o ne... who can get i n there and take charge of the s ituatio n." "What, al I that Lati n mach ismo?" "What, are y ou jealous, Harry?" "N o." "I'm not jealous." "I'm j ust say i ng Raou I is n't the o n ly man i n the office." "Mm, wait-wait, stop." "What?" "Al I rig ht, Harry, g ive it to me." "Okay." "Oh yeah, come to mama." "Oh, Harry." "Yes, yes, yes." "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "Yeah!" "O h, s o... s o many of y ou I ittle mo nkey whores." "O h, God." "O h, yeah." "I can smel I that sti nky p i nk ass from here." "O h, y ou're a pretty I ittle th i ng, aren't y ou?" "Do y ou have a name?" "Ah h h h." "Ah!" "Ah, ah." "?" "She'll be comi ng 'rou nd the mou n tai n when she comes. ?" "?" "She'll be driv i ng six wh ite horses when she... comes. ?" "?" "She's a comi ng and a... ?" " O h, yeah, Ape." " Yeah." " Who o!" " Yeah!" "Yeah-he-haa!" " B o y, y ou're i n a go od mo od." " That's rig ht I am." "Speech went wel I, I take it?" "Speech was a d isaster, but I bagged the boss, bab y!" " What?" " Fuck ed her!" " Fucked her I ike an an imal." " And that's the o n ly way!" " Yeah!" " Yeah, bab y." "Man, my wife, s he th i nks s he's go i ng to go off, s crew F I ies With Eag les." "Beat her to the pu nch, sucku h!" "S he had it com i ng, gal I ivanti ng arou nd... with that pottery wizard." " C heati ng s nake." " Whore." " B y the way, d id s he cal I?" " U h, no." "S he wi I I." "And when s he does, I wo n't even say a th i ng." "But I'I I k now I d id it first." "It'I I al I come out i n my co nfidence." "S h it." "I d id n't th i nk y ou had the bal Is to pu I I s ometh i ng I ike that, Harry." "Man, I j ust went i n there." "B owled her o ver." "That's it." "Got her wrapped arou nd my fi nger." "N o more S.M.A. D. Speeches." "J ust go to work, write my no vel, get a I ittle puss y o n the s ide." "I can 't believ e it, Harry." "From when I first met y ou, y ou were a comp letely d ifferent man." " Ya th i nk?" " Abs o lutely." " Lo ok at y ou." " Feel go od." " You lo ok go od." "I'm not go i ng to take anymore s h it." "N o more s h it." "Cutti ng al I the fat out of my I ife." "Cut al I the... whoa, u h, y ou do n't co ns ider me fat, do y ou?" "Hey, y ou're s velte for y our species." "We've already been throug h that!" "Hey, hey." "I'I I never get rid a y ou, buddy!" "Oof!" "O h, jeez." "Harry!" "Harry!" "I'm s orry, man." "O h, I got al I th is energy, man." "Me, to o, man." "Me, to o." "Hey, hey." "Let's go down and get a po ny keg and get ripped!" " N o." " N o?" "Why?" "N o." " I got to chan nel th is energy." " H o okers." "N o." "It's time to write." "I got to write." "Okay." "Yeah, okay." " It's time." " Go od." "But th... but th is is..." "no ne of that o Id y ou." "N o ne of that o Id stuff y ou were writi ng." "That was from the o Id y ou." "Okay?" "Th is is from the new and I iberated y ou." " The new me." " New y ou." " A neeeeew document." " N umero u no." "The... man..." "The man." "Man..." "Th is is where y ou got stuck last time." " I k now." " You're o ver th i nki ng it." "Harry, j ust write from y our guts." "The man..." " You want me to do it?" " N o, no, no, no." " The man was a tiger." " Yes." "I n I ife and i n bed." " Good, good." " Okay." "Tel I me about the tiger." "U m... h is heart was I ike a rotten, withered tomato, left to o lo ng i n the fridge." "What?" "It bears repeati ng, that h is heart was I ike the tomato... we j ust spoke of." "And, when the d irty hand of I ife got to o d irty, he s lu nk down to h is lair to I ick h is wou nds." " That's b lows Harry!" " Okay." "That b lows!" "That's the o Id y ou!" " Okay." " I want to see the new y ou." "N o more of that lo ng sufferi ng artist bu I Is h it!" "Okay." "You're a free man!" "Carv i ng h is own desti ny." "U h-hu h." "So get s ome bal Is and write I ike a man!" "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Tomatoes." "Okay." "U m..." "U h, every o ne k nows a tiger needs fres h meat?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Okay." "C ome o n." "Tel I me about that tiger." "Grrrrr." "H is claws... u h..." " He had the heart of a lion." " Oo h." "Even thoug h he was a tiger..." "That's go od." "That's go od." "Okay." "Write it down." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "N o o ne cou Id co ntai n h im, he d id what he wi I led." "They tried to impris o n h im i n the corporate cub icle." "But he cou Id not be domesticated!" "Yes." "H is heart needs to fly with the eag les." "That's great." "Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, wait." " What?" " Wait." "That's the guy's name." "Is n't that derivative?" "So?" "Al I great artists draw o n their own I ives, their own experiences." "Go ahead, write it." "Write it down." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Take th is down." "He had raven b lack hair and a hel I of a sense of humor." "That's good." "There's a lot more where that came from." "...and that's when he realized he had possessed her fu lly, both spiritually and physically." "She'd been rav aged by the tiger." "E nd of C hapter One." "O h, my God, Harry." "Th is is go i ng to be an i nstant class ic." "I nstant." " Mo ve o ver Dosto yevsky." " Mo ve o ver Fy odor!" "There's a new team i n town;" "Harry Walker and The Ape." "Let's send th is bab y off to the New Yorker." " Ha, ha, ha!" " Ha, ha, ha!" "Wo o!" "Wo o!" "Wo o!" "Wo o!" " Wo o!" " Wo o!" " Wo o-ho-ho o!" " Wo o-ho o!" " Ah-ha!" " Ah-ha!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Ah-ha-ha!" " Ah-ha-ha!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" " Woo-hoo!" "Hey, y ou're here early." "Okay." "Hey... g lo omy Gus, what's up?" "Hey, Steve." "N oth i ng." "What's wro ng?" "Someth i ng wro ng with y ou and Richard?" "What?" "N o." "Why wou Id y ou say s ometh i ng I ike that?" "Wel I y ou're here early, figured maybe y ou're... try i ng to get away from s ometh i ng at home." "N o." "Everyth i ng's fi ne i n my home." "Okay." "Why are y ou here s o early?" "Try i ng to get away from s ometh i ng i n y our home?" "Why s hou Id I tel I y ou?" "F i ne." "Do n't." "Okay, lo ok." "I d id n't exactly s leep at my p lace last n ig ht." "O h, v om it." "I want to v om it." "Wait a m i nute, wait a m i nute, y ou do n't even k now the who le story." "What's to k now?" "You're an an imal, I ike the rest of y our sex." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, y ou're j ump i ng to s ome... very serious co nclus io ns here." "Real ly?" "After y ou walk i n weari ng a rump led su it, gri n n i ng I ike an id lot, al I ex cited... 'cause y ou d id n't exactly s leep i n y our p lace last n ig ht?" "So s orry if I was led i n the wro ng d irectio n." "Wel I y ou were led i n the wro ng d irectio n." "Jesus, what is y our prob lem?" "I'm s orry." "I'm j ust bei ng a jerk." "Yeah." "N o kidd i ng." "I bet y ou're here early 'cause Richard cou Id n't... stand y ou th is morn i ng, but who cou Id?" "What a spaz." "Wait, Steve." "Do n't go." "I'm s orry, okay?" "It's j ust me, I j ust..." "have a lot o n my m i nd th is morn i ng." "Very tense." "Wel I relax." "Okay, relax." "Okay, I'm s orry." "Lo ok, I was dru nk, I needed a ride home, s he forced me to s leep with her." "O h geez Lou ise." "C ome o n, do n't be such a prude." "I'm not a prude." "You k now, y ou d id n't used to be th is way." " You used to be pretty co o I." " I'm sti I I co o I." "Yeah I k now, but, I'm talki ng about..." "Beth smoki ng-a-pack-a-day co o I." "Beth, g iv i ng-me-hand-j obs-at-lu nch." "Once, goddamm it, that happened o nce!" "Al I rig ht." "Relax, relax." "Al I rig ht, y ou're sti I I co o I." "Steve, it was I ike eig ht years ago." "H ow lo ng y ou go i ng to keep ho Id i ng o nto that o ne?" "Okay." "It's go ne, al I rig ht." " It was n't that go od." " S hut up." "My God." "E ig ht years?" "I can't bel ieve we've been here that lo ng." " The p lace is a time trap." " Time fl ies." "If I had to Id myself eig ht years ago that I'd be... i n the same exact spot, do i ng the same exact th i ng eig ht years later, probab ly ki I I myself rig ht now." "N o, y ou wou Id n't, Steve." "You want to k now why?" "'Cause y ou I ike what y ou do." "N o I do n't, I hate it." "N o, I'm not talki ng about fuss i ng arou nd with codes... or whatever it is y ou peop le do o ver i n the IT Department." "I mean y ou I ike the routi ne of y our I ife." "You I ike bei ng ab le to go go out o n a week n ig ht... and make an ass of y ourself and s leep with s ome b imbo, 'cause hav oc i n y our house, then come back here to a n ice," "stab le env iro nment that y ou k now wi I I always be waiti ng." "Wel I, maybe y ou're rig ht." "You k now, most peop le real ly j ust want stab i I ity." "And any u ncertai nty they want to keep to a co ntro I led m i n imum." "Like y ou and y our weekly fl i ngs." "What about y ou?" "You seem pretty routi ne y ourself." "O h, I am." "But I accept it." "I do n't pretend to balk at the eig ht years..." "I put i nto th is company I ike I'm i n pris o n and I have s omewhere... s o much better to be." "I'm co ntent to do my j ob." "J ust I ike a I ittle worker bee." "A worker amo ng workers." "I have my husband and my ch i Idren... and barri ng any u nforeseen tragedy, I expect that our I ives... wi I I co nti nue o n the same n ice, straig ht forward," "even trajectory, u nti I we d ie." "God, that s ou nds s o bori ng I want to s I it my wrists." "Wel I y our boredom is my focused energy." "And y our s o-cal led ex citement?" "Smoke and m irrors." "I mean we all just wan t to fi nd happi ness." "You grasp for it i n m irages and never real ly fi nd it." "N ot real ly." "Our I ittle romp i n the car eig ht years ago pro ved that." "I was lost back then." "I was... co nfused and u nsure." "I reached out, I iteral ly." "It was briefly ex citi ng, but it didn 't amou n t... to anyth i ng that wou Id last." "I fou nd happ i ness i n stab i I ity, or, boredom, if y ou must." "But I'm happ y." "Wel I, y ou d id n't lo ok s o happ y when I came i n." "Wel I, that has noth i ng to do with me or my I ife." "What's it got to do with?" "Harry Walker." "The lazy guy y ou work with?" "He's not lazy." "He's j ust m is d irected." "Al I I k now is he gave our department... a motivatio nal speech the other day and it was a j oke." "You k now, he's been hav i ng a real ly roug h time lately." "Wel I, forgetti ng the fact... he cou Id n't motivate a fly to land o n s h it," "I'd say he's got a few pers o nal prob lems." "He's not a very go od pub I ic speaker." "Wel I maybe he s hou Id n't have that j ob." " He's try i ng, okay?" " Whatever." "So why is he maki ng y ou sad?" "Because he's acti ng real ly crazy." "I'm getti ng worried about h im." "Why?" "What's he do i ng?" "He's hav i ng an affair." "So, what do y ou care?" "So I do n't th i nk he s hou Id be." "Why is it any of y our bus i ness?" "I, I..." "I, I j ust do n't th i nk he s hou Id be do i ng that." "J ust I ike I do n't th i nk that y ou s hou Id be do i ng it." "Okay, s o y ou d isappro ve." "So what?" " So I th i nk I need to stop it." " O h, y ou do, do y ou?" " Yeah." " S h it." "You have a crus h o n h im, do n't y ou?" "What?" "N o I do n't!" "Ah h h... y ou have a I ittle office crus h, do n't y ou?" "." "S hut up, Steve." "You're jealous 'cause he d id n't p ick y ou to cheat with." "Are y ou kidd i ng me?" "I wou Id never cheat o n Richard, y ou moro n." "Maybe not, but that does n't mean y ou do n't fantas ize." "And now it means y ou can't fl irt across the cub icle anymore... and y ou want revenge, do n't y ou?" "N o I do n't." "N o I do n't." "I want j ustice." "J ustice." "O h, gos h." "You're j ust I ike the rest of us, a v ictim of y our own feel i ngs." "On ly y ou're s o self-rig hteous y ou must be E gyptian because... y ou're neck deep i n de-N i le." "O h yeah, penci I d ick?" "Wel I y ou k now what I'm go i ng to do?" "I'm go i ng to..." "I'm..." " Go od morn i ng, I ittle o ne." " Do n't talk to me." "Wel I, s omeo ne woke up o n the wro ng s ide of the bed." "Wel I, at least I woke up i n my husband's bed." "Someth i ng o n y our m i nd, Beth?" "Yeah." "You're d isgusti ng." " That's what's o n my m i nd." " What's y our damage?" "I saw y ou yesterday, s crewi ng Cathy." " N o y ou d id n't." " Yes I d id." "I heard very strange s ou nds em itti ng from her office... wh i le I was out here do i ng y our work." "So I went and I had myself a peek." "And I do n't k now what y ou were do i ng." "It was d isgusti ng." "You I ittle peep i ng tom." "Stay out of my bus i ness." "Harry... y ou're married." "Does n't that mean anyth i ng to y ou?" "H ow cou Id y ou do that to y our wife?" "I lo ve my wife." "But I'm a man and I need to spread my seed." "Do n't y ou even feel bad?" "You s hou Id be racked with gu i It rig ht now." "You cheated." "Th is is between me and my wife, and what s he does n't k now wo n't hurt her." "Ag h." "You make me s ick." "You k now, do n't even talk to me." "And if I catch y ou writi ng that no vel agai n," "I'm tel I i ng Cathy." "Go ahead." "Tel I her." "Tel I her." "You k now, as a matter of fact," "I th i nk I'I I j ust go tel I her myself rig ht now." "S he's probab ly wo nderi ng where her go od morn i ng kiss is." "S he's not i n yet." "O h." "Wel I then the wo If wi I I j ust have to go track her down." "P ig." "Hey, Raou I. What are y ou do i ng, j ust del iveri ng the mai I?" "Yeah." "Go od morn i ng..." "lo ver." "Harry." "J ust the pers o n I wanted to see." "O h, wel I, it's a I ittle early for our repeat performance... but I'I I see what I can do." "Yeah." "We need to talk about yesterday." "It was amazi ng." "O h, yes, it was, and u nexpected." "Spo ntaneous pass io n." "God, it's crazy, I thoug ht I always hated y ou." "N ow I real ize it was sexual tens io n." "I wanted y ou." "You wanted me." " Okay lo ok, Harry, um..." " Lo ok..." "I have an idea." "Let's get away for the weekend." "We'I I go to s ome p lace I ike Wo odstock." "We'I I see what we're I ike away from al I th is mad ness." "Exp lore our m i nds and bod ies." "Harry, yesterday was a m istake." "Best m istake of my I ife." "You i nsp ired me." "I went home." "I wrote al I n ig ht." " Go od stuff." "New stuff." " Okay." "Hey, Harry, can I get a word i n edgewise?" "Yeah." " F irst th i ng; back off." " Okay." "What happened i n my office is a o ne time th i ng." "It's never go i ng to happen agai n." "U nderstand?" "O h." "If y ou're worried about getti ng caug ht i n the office," "I u nderstand." "We can go to my apartment." "My ro ommate wi I I be total ly co o I." "Harry, y ou're not even Jewis h." "So what?" "So..." "I have no i nterest i n pursu i ng a relatio ns h ip with y ou." " Raou I is n't Jewis h." " Raou I was a fuck." "Like y ou." "H ow can y ou be s o superficial?" "Why, why are y ou go i ng to let s ometh i ng I ike that... stand i n the way of what we have?" "Lo ok, it's not superficial, it's j ust smart." "I k now what I want and I'm go i ng to get it." "Harry, y ou're not a good i nv estmen t." "I mean even if y ou were Jewis h I wou Id n't bank o n y ou." "You're to o co nfused." "I'm co nfused." "I'm co nfused?" "You're the o ne who's try i ng to marry s omeo ne to p lease Daddy." "Who cares if I'm Jewis h, y ou b igot?" "What, are y ou I iv i ng i n the Sto ne Age?" "N o, Harry." "I'm I iv i ng i n real ity." "I'm not sure what p lanet y ou I ive o n." "Putz." "You th i nk y ou can decide who y ou're go i ng to end up with?" "You k now what?" "I bet y ou five bucks y ou end up alo ne." "And it's o n ly five bucks, because that's al I y our I ife is worth." "Harry, do n't make me fire y ou." "F ire me?" "F ire me?" "I qu it!" "I qu it." "I do n't need y our negative energy i n my I ife." "You k now what?" "From now o n I'm dev oti ng myself fu I I time to my no vel." "And when it's pub I is hed y ou can say y ou k new me when, s ister!" "Knew me when." "You were with Raou I for mo nths." " You said he was j ust a fuck." " Yeah, but he was a go od fuck." "Hey Harry, check it out!" "I I lked that su it y ou got s o much..." "I went out and got me o ne." "H u h?" "N ow when we go i nto those Man hattan offices... after our bo ok's pub I is hed, we can go i n sty le." "Like a team." "What g ives?" "Hey!" "Harry." "You're go i ng to wri nkle that new su it." "I do n't care." "Hey, what happened?" " S he dumped me." " What?" "S he said I was n't a go od fuck." "That cu n t." "S he does n't k now what s he's talki ng about." " You're a great fuck." " N o I'm not." "Oh, come on." "Hey." "Hey what happened to that Harry I met yesterday?" "?" "She'll be comi ng arou nd the mou n tai n when she comes... ?" "He's go ne." "I want to go home." "You wan t to bail on the apartmen t?" "Harry, th is is y our home." "Th is is the artist's apartment." "I don 't care about that anymore." "I j ust want s omeo ne to ho Id me and tel I me I'm special." "Aw." "O h, bab y, I can do that." "C ome here." "C ome o n." "O h." "O h yeah." "O h." "There, there." "H ow's that feel?" "It's not the same as my wife." "We j ust need a I ittle time..." "to learn each other's bod ies." "I m iss my kid." "Hey, what are y ou do i ng?" " I'm cal I i ng my wife." " O h Harry, do n't." "Harry, p lease, do n't g ive up s o eas y." "H i, ho ney?" "U m, what" "I j ust wanted to see how the pottery s how went... and tel I y ou that I m iss y ou." "C heater?" "What are y ou talki ng about?" "Beth cal led?" "What?" "Beth does n't k now what s he's talki ng about." "With Cathy?" "C ome o n, I hate Cathy." "You've heard me comp lai n about her a m i I I io n times." "O h, yeah, I ike I'd real ly do it i n the office." "C ome o n." "H o ney." "I, I, I k now th i ngs haven't been very go od lately and... th is who le idea of m i ne was real ly stup id." "D iv orce." "H, H, do n't." "Stop it." "Do n't do th is." "Let's not get crazy here." "Wel I y ou k now..." "It's not I ike I'm the o n ly o ne who's s crewi ng arou nd." "You're off with F I ies With Eag les do i ng God k nows what." "He's gay." "So is Cathy." "S he's a lesb ian." "Wi I I y ou ho Id me?" "Of course." "C ome to papa." "O h..." "O h, Harry." "It's go i ng to be al I rig ht." "You'I I see." "I'm go i ng to take go od care of y ou." "We'I I be very happ y together." "They were gaspi ng for breath from their v icious, b loody battle." "Their swords... crashed lik e thu nder." "He k new th is was the end." "He was backed up agai nst the rampart." "Th is was the fi nal time." "And with o ne last b low he ki I led MacDuff!" "And he was rel nstated as Ki ng of the land!" "The perfect end i ng to a perfect no vel!" "Do n't I k now it!" " Who o!" " Who o!" " Oo-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o." " Oo-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o." " Oo-o o-o o." " Oo-o o-o o." "H o o o o!" "Who o o!" " You the man, Harry." " You the ape, Ape." " Ah, ha-hah!" " Ha-hah!" "Okay, s o what, what now?" "Wel I, it's perfect tim i ng, Ape." "Perfect tim i ng." "As s o o n as we get that letter from the New Yorker, accepti ng the first chapter as a s hort story, wh ich s hou Id be today because I cal led and they said... they sent the respo nse a coup le days ago." "And the mai I s hou Id be here b y now." "It's probab ly downstairs." "Probab ly is, buddy." "Probab ly is." "Al I we do... go down get that letter." "We take it." "We can walk i nto any pub I is h i ng house i n the city," "I guarantee, they wi I I ki I I to pub I is h our no vel." "I mean, a s hort story i n the New Yorker... is a surefire entrée i nto the I iterary world, Ape." "But what if they do n't I ike it?" "Harry... y our sav i ngs are almost go ne." "Apey, hu h?" "What are y ou worried about?" "C ome o n, y ou're the o ne who i nsp ired me." "Bes ides, y ou've read it." "It is gen ius." " Gen ius!" " Gen ius." "They s hou Id put it i n the Western Can no n rig ht now!" "Here's the Western Can no n." "Here's our beast, the newest i nstal lment." "Yeah, y ou're rig ht." "You're rig ht." "I, I do n't k now what it is." "Maybe it's j ust that I, I can't bel ieve we're fi nal ly artists." "Wel I y ou better bel ieve it, pal, 'cause we ar-teests!" " We are ar-teests!" " We're a hel I of a team, Ape." "Harry Walker and The Ape!" " Harry Walker and The Ape!" " Harry Walker and The Ape!" " Harry Walker and The Ape!" " Harry Walker and The Ape!" " Oo-o o-o o..." " Oo-o o-o o..." "Hey, I guess now is go od a time as any." "I got y ou a I ittle s ometh i ng." " What?" " Yeah." "Wel I, y ou can cal I it an early C hristmas present, or a co ngratu latory present, but, here." " Apey." " Take it." "You s hou Id n't have." "It's noth i ng, Harry, j ust open it." " Curl and S h i ne?" " Yeah." "I thoug ht y ou cou Id use it with that new weave y ou got com i ng i n." "Yeah, it is growl ng i n a I ittle th icker." "O h, no, no." "It lo oks real go od, but, but a coup le of das hes of that?" "That's what I use to get the lass ies." "Yeah-haa." "You, y ou... aw, that lo oks great." "Hey." "I d ipped i nto the sav i ngs and I got y ou a I ittle s ometh i ng to o." "Harry." " Wait, I'I I go get it." " O h." "Harry." "I know how hard up I'v e been for the womanly touch, so I cou Id only imagi ne how y ou must feel." "Surprise!" " Wait." "Wait." " O h my God." "Wait." " O h my God, Harry!" " Ah-ha-ha-ha!" "I thoug ht it wou Id rem i nd y ou of the g irls back home." "It, it's perfect!" " Maybe we cou Id s hare her?" " Yeah!" "Of course." "Of course." " O h." "O h, Apey." " O h." "Apey, y ou're the best." "O h." "O h no, Harry, y ou're the best." "O h, Apey." " Hey, hey." " What?" "Let's go see if the letter's arrived!" "N o-no-no-no, y ou go." "You go." " Okay." " W-w-w-wait." "W, wait." "Lf, if it's there, don 't open it." " Bri ng it back up here." " I wo n't, I prom ise!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "It's here!" "O h, okay." "Open it." " You open it." " O h no, I'm to o nerv ous." " You open it." " Together." " Okay." " U h, cou nt of three?" " Yeah." " Okay." "One, two, three." " O h, open it." " Okay." "We regret to i nform y ou that y our s hort story," "A Rav ish i ng Tiger, has not been selected for pub I is h i ng." "God damm it!" "It, it said 'if', Harry." "Lf." "Read it." "If y ou have any other material, do n't bother send i ng it, y ou m is ogy n ist p ig." "I can't bel ieve they d id n't I ike it." "H ow cou Id they not I ike it?" "I can't bel ieve th is is happen i ng to me." "Are y ou sure y ou sent the rig ht story?" "It said;" "The Rav ish i ng Tiger, it's the first chapter." "Okay." "Okay, then s ometh i ng has got to be am iss because..." "I can't bel ieve they wou Id n't take it." "I put my guts i nto that th i ng." "I mean what, do I j ust have no talent?" "I feel I ike th is is a pers o nal attack." "I can't do anyth i ng rig ht." "Al I rig ht." "There was probab ly two stories." "Maybe there's two Rav is h i ng Tigers and they got them m ixed up." "We s hou Id cal I down there, it was probab ly a clerical error." "O h wi I I y ou wake up?" "They hated it." "They hated us." "Hey, do n't take it out o n me." "Why not?" "It's y our fau lt." "Why d id I I isten to y ou?" "If I'd j ust stuck to the p lan," "I'd be i n I i ne for the Pu I itzer rig ht now." "Don 't go there, Harry." "I k now y ou've had a bad day s o I'm j ust go i ng to let that s I ide." "O h... y ou'I I fi nd it's true, y ou lug a s h it." "You write I ike a th ird grader." "I carried y ou." "N ow y ou've ru i ned my work." "Ha-ha." "Who y ou tryi ng to kid?" "I've read y our stuff, al I of it, remember?" "It was wh i ney, self-i ndu Igent, self-i nv o lved." "It was po orly structured." "It was i I l-co nceived." "N ot to mentio n total ly transparent." "The comp lete s cribb I i ngs of an i nsecure man, whose ego had ru n amok." "Wow, I'm g lad to k now how y ou real ly feel, y ou b ig p ho ny." "And al I that stuff y ou j ust named, that's cal led sens itiv ity." "And if any o ne has the b ig ego here it's y ou!" "It's s o b ig I can't even breathe i n here!" "I k now I got an ego, Harry." "Al I artists do." "But at least I got the talen t to back it up." "You're lucky I even let y ou hang out with me." "I'm lucky?" "Ever s i nce I met y ou my I ife has go ne to s h it." "I lost my wife and ch i Id, I lost my j ob, al I my mo ney, my dreams, everyth i ng." " N ot everyth i ng." " O h, o h, o h no?" "You sti I I got me, bab y." "You still got me." "I do n't want y ou." "Get it?" "I do n't want y ou!" "That's not how it works, Harry." "You're stuck with me." "Real ly?" "Real ly?" "Wel I j ust watch, pal." "I'm out of here." "Out of here." "You k now what th is rem i nds me of, Harry?" "What, Ape?" "The tantrum y ou threw the n ig ht y our father left." "I never to Id y ou about my father." "You d id n't have to." "I was there." "I d id n't k now y ou before th is." "It was a Thurs day n ig ht." "Your father came home from work and he to ok y ou out for ice cream." "You had m i nt choco late ch ip with rai nbow spri nkles, he had an ice coffee." "He to Id y ou that he was leav i ng y our mom, and even thoug h he was n't go i ng to I ive i n the house anymore, he was sti I I y our father." "Th i ngs wou Idn 't change between y ou and h im." "He'd take y ou to the bal I park, take y ou to the games." "He dropped y ou off and he said;" ""hey, champ, I'I I cal I y ou Saturday at eig ht to check i n"." "It was elev en th irty." "You realized he wasn 't calli ng." "You threw a tan trum just lik e th is." "You remember that, Harry?" "I thoug ht y ou I ived with Mrs. G I itch before th is." "You made that up, Harry." "You wanted reas o ns for me not to leave." "Mrs. G I itch." "U pkeep of the ape." "The lease." "That was al I y ou, Harry." "Who are y ou?" "I'm The Ape." "N o." "You're a mo nster." "Do n't start up agai n, Harry." "We s hou Id be friends." "We j ust h it a I ittle bump i n the road." "And I got a great idea for a seco nd no vel." "A seco nd no vel?" " Hey." " A seco nd no vel?" "Do n't Harry." "Do n't Harry!" "Do n't do it, Harry." "I'I I ki I I y ou!" " Ah h!" "Ah h!" " Ah h!" "Ah h!" " Oo h!" "Oo h!" " Ah h!" "Ah h!" "Grrr!" "Grrr!"