"Look, Marc, I don't enjoy you." "You shit on me constantly." "I didn't want you on the show." "I don't enjoy you." "You treat me like shit on a non-stop basis." "I'm doing this as a favor to Emily, and I don't have to like it." "It's good to see you, man!" " Yeah, you, too, you, too." " You are so hilarious." " You want to have dinner after the show?" " I would love to." " Okay, great." "We'll go to our place." " Uh-huh." "All right." "I like that." "You got to get tired of people saying that shit to you." "I thought you said Chris wanted me here." " You'll make it work." " Horrendous." "Oh, thank you!" "Thank you!" "So excited!" "I am so excited." "Are you guys freaking out?" "I am seriously freaking out because there's so much that happened on this episode." "We're gonna help you sort through the emotional rubble." "To talk about this episode with me, mega-fan Michael Ian black... comedian, author, Twitter icon." "He was in "The States."" "And Marc Maron, who hosts a podcast." "♪ Won't fall for it ♪" "♪ you can't see ♪" "♪ and you can't tell ♪" "♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪" "I got to say things are going really well for me right now, and surprisingly, I'm okay with it." "I mean, the... the podcast is killing." "I'm playing bigger rooms." "I mean, these last few months with Jen have been, like..." "I don't know." "I-I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I love her." "I mean, look, we have our issues, but, you know, that's... that's what love is." "And love conquers all, right?" "You know, that and mind-blowing sex." "I'm sorry." "Should I not say that?" "Anyways, I think Jen is the real deal, and did I mention I'm meeting her father tonight?" "Yeah, that's happening." "So shit is getting real." "Excuse me, again, for saying that." "And I need guidance." "Mm-hmm." "I mean, she's 19 years younger than me." "She's not Jewish." "Is that a problem that she's not Jewish?" "Not for me." "So, for the ring, were you thinking maybe a princess cut?" "Ring?" "Whoa, man." "Back up." "I'm not there yet." "I was thinking more along the lines of a bracelet, an anklet, perhaps a nice toe ring." "Do you have a nice toe ring?" "Of course." "Devorah, you have a customer!" "So there's interest in me, huh?" "Well, that's good." "Right?" "The podcast is catching on." "You've got fans in high places." "People at Fox studios, Sony, "America's funniest videos."" "You're on fire." "There's a bit of buzz." "We're gonna get you a chat show." "Please call it a talk show." "Whatever." "It's thrilling." " There's just one problem." " What's that?" "A lot of people... think you're an asshole." " Oh, come on." "Don't they listen to my podcast?" "I'm not an asshole anymore." "Who says that?" "Those pieces of shit." "Right, completely unfounded." "But right now, we need to prove that you can play nicely with others." "Yeah, how... how we gonna do that?" "You've heard of "The Walking Dead"?" "Well, there's a "chat show" that runs after it called "Talking Dead," where they..." " Yeah, no, I know." "It's hosted by that comedian Chris Hardwick." "Is there a problem between you two?" "Uh, uh, he might be one of those people that thinks I'm an asshole." " Marc, you're exhausting me." " All right, well, look, you know, that thing with Hardwick's like 20 years ago." "I mean, most of this stuff's in my head anyways." "I'm sure it's fine." "So, uh..." "I-I-I don't really know anything about "Walking Dead."" " Is that... is that a problem?" " I don't think they care." "I believe you just need to go in there and tell some smart jokes about vampires and zombies, and ...and just have fun with it." "That's not fun to me." "What is?" "I'm hanging up now." "Hey, baby, did your dad land yet?" " I hate you!" " Ohh!" "You're such a dick." "What, are we rehearsing for when you father comes?" "What's happening?" "You went on that radio station in Portland and you talked about our sex life." " You said you weren't gonna do that anymore." " What did I say?" "You said that when I go down on you, I use too much teeth." "I didn't say that." "I heard the clip." "All right, okay, yeah, yeah, I remember." "I remember what I said." "I think you're missing the funny part." "What I said was you have a technique that brings me immense pleasure and profound fear simultaneously." "It's a very unique skill." " It's not funny." " I was riffing." "What do you want from me?" "No, I think you know exactly what you're doing." "You were just hoping to get away with it." "Come on." "It's... it's my job." "I talk about my life." "People on the Internet say horrible things about me." "Look." "I don't want them asking whether my vagina is as sloppy as my bedroom." "I mean, they're just mean." "All these people are nobodies." "We both know your vagina's immaculate." "I like spending as much time as possible in there." "Promise you're not gonna talk about me in your act anymore." " Oh, God." "This..." " Promise me." "O-okay, all right." "All right." "Maybe if you sat down and you wrote some actual jokes, you know, like..." "like Conan." "What is... what..." "Conan?" "I don't do what Conan does." "Well, maybe if you did, your fans wouldn't all be dipshits." "They're not fans." "They're haters." "You're a fan." "I'm becoming a hater." "Oh, that's too bad, because I was gonna give you this today." "Ahh." "It's so pretty." "I love you, baby." "You're so good." "No more jokes." " Okay, I'll try." "I'll try." " No." "No more jokes." "Okay, all right." "All right." " I love you." " I love you, too." "Now, w-when was the last time you actually took someone home to, like, meet your parents?" "'Cause I have to do that today." "I have to meet my girlfriend's father." "Oh, my God." "He must be, like, your age." "No, that's... that's funny, but it's not true." "He's older by f-four months." "He's..." "I know." "I know." "Is that really true?" "It is true." "I don't know what's gonna happen." "But, like, okay, has your father ever disapproved of someone you were with?" "Well, all of them, because none of them were him, and he wants to marry me." "It's true, right?" "That... see, now, that is an awkward thing to say about our parents, but we say it all the time." "We say awful things about our parents and the people we love 'cause we're comedians." "And does that cause you any flack?" "I mean, what's your policy on it?" " I try to respect that..." " Yeah." "...but I mean, then sometimes I need a tag for a joke, and then I think, "Your dick is very thin in a comic way, and I'm going to use that."" "Exactly!" "I'm..." "I'm having, like, the same problem with my girlfriend right now." "She has a thin dick?" "I can't talk about her dick at all." "There's a moratorium on jokes, and it seems like you've figured out a way to... to balance it out." " It's not balanced at all." " Yeah." " It's totally unbalanced." " Uh-huh." "The joke is more important than the relationship, and that's why we're all gonna die sad and alone." "Ohh." "Okay." "I don't know." "I think you might be right." "You have your cats." "They don't care if I live or die, really." "I mean, what are they gonna do when I die?" "Seriously." "They get to eat your eyes." "Oh, no." "And digest them." "Oh." "And then poop them out and feed the earth." "Yeah." "♪ All my loving ♪ ♪ all my love ♪" "♪ in this whole world ♪" "♪ this whole world ♪" "♪ all my loving ♪ ♪ all my love ♪" "♪ in this whole world ♪" "♪ this whole world ♪ ♪ all my loving ♪" "♪ all my love ♪" "♪ in this whole ♪" "♪ all my loving ♪" "Oh, my God." "What is this?" "How come there's so much gunk on here?" "Oh, I burnt some veggie chili on there a few days ago." "It boiled over, so I had to throw out the pot." "Great." "Thanks for leaving it." "You don't have to go crazy cleaning." "My dad knows I'm messy." "Yeah, he knows you, but he doesn't know me." "I'm just the dirty old man that's banging his messy daughter." "Ohh, don't freak out." "We don't get along." "He's just coming over 'cause he's in town and he feels obligated." "Wow, this sounds like it's gonna be a good dinner." " Hey, Emily, what's up?" " Hi, Marc!" "Listen, exactly how familiar are you with "The Walking Dead"?" "I know enough to know that I don't watch it." "I just found out the producers of the show take it very seriously, and Chris takes offense when the guests aren't up on the program." "Of course he does." "So what are you telling me?" " Now I got to study for this thing?" " That's a great idea!" "Oh, my God, this is turning into my own horror show." "You'll make it work." "I'm hanging up now." "Oh, my God." "Brits." "I love it when they sing, but otherwise, very annoying." "What happened?" "I have to do this show, "The Talking Dead,"" "and apparently overnight," "I have to become a certified zombie expert." "I love "The Walking Dead."" "I've been trying to get you to watch it for weeks." "I can help you cram." "Oh, really, you'd do that for me?" "You'd watch episodes of your favorite show on the couch you rarely get off of?" "Shut up." "All right, so... so, who's this redneck with the crossbow?" "That's Daryl." "He has, like, a Ross-and-Rachel thing with the woman with the shaved head." " Hmm." "And what... what... when are they gonna get off this farm?" "And why do these zombies all walk like Frankenstein?" "They can't run?" "I mean, doesn't anyone want this show to be exciting?" "Their rotting muscles are atrophying." "But yet their jaws are strong enough to bite off a human hand?" "That's ridiculous." "Even at my most angry, I could not bite off a human hand." "Even if I was on meth," "I don't think I could bite off a human hand." "You need to change your attitude, mister." "I am here trying to help you." "Weird." "You know, I don't know if I can explain this, but all these zombies eating people has given me an idea." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah." " This idea." "This one." " Aah!" "All right, so, why don't they just dig a moat around the prison, fill it with gasoline, and set it on fire?" "That's ridiculous." "They have to get out and get supplies." "Do zombies get erections?" "No." "Uh, how come there's not more fat zombies?" "Because they've been dead for a long time." " Where do zombies go to the bathroom?" " They don't." " How come there's not more black zombies?" " Good question." "Oh, my God." "You're saving my ass." "I am so appreciative." "I think I'm gonna thank you on the show." "No!" "You are not even going to mention me on the show." "Okay, all right." "Wow, you really want off the grid." "Yes, I do." "What?" "Oh, man, it's your dad." "He's here early." "Where are my underwear?" "He's not gonna notice." "He shouldn't notice." " Go, go, go." " All right, all right, all right." "Coming." "Hi." "Mr. Ryan." "Gary." "Gary Ryan." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna call you Gary." "Come on in." " Hi, Dad." " Hey, Jen." "Hmm." "You look great." " I brought you this." " Oh, great." "Thanks a lot." " He can't drink that." "He's an alcoholic." " Huh." "I-I'm 14 years sober." "It's not a problem." "So, he's been sober since you were 14." "Okay." "Okay." "So, you still thinking of going to grad school?" "Yeah, didn't you, uh, mention that, uh, master's program up in Northridge?" "Oh, she's... mentioned a lot of schools over the years, but actually filling out an application... that's another story." "Do we have to do this now?" "I get it." "I'm a disappointment." "No, well, you know, in her defense, it took me years not to go to graduate school." "Now you're on his side?" "What?" "No." "I was making a joke." "Oh." "Another joke at my expense." "Come on, Jen, we're just talking." "No, he's making me feel like a loser, and you're not defending me." "I'm gonna go have a cigarette." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Why are you smoking?" "Because I just had sex with Marc, Dad!" "You know, I came down here because we didn't know where she was for the last six months." "What?" "Really?" "You didn't talk to her at all?" "No." "We had a fight." "You know, she's not big on letting stuff go." "Yeah, I'm starting to get that." "Hey, but, look, I'm no prize." "Yeah, who is?" "I'm just saying you got your hands full." "You know, you enter a situation where you want to make a good impression." "You know you're gonna be judged a certain way, and you try and control how you're going to be perceived." "And then in the middle of all that worrying, you realize it's... it's not about you at all." "You're just playing a part in somebody else's script that was written a long time ago, and you just have to decide whether or not you're right for that role." "I think that in relationships, on some level, you're just looking to be re-parented or parented better than you were originally." "And then at some point in that relationship, you realize that's not somebody else's job." "And if you are that somebody else, good luck, because, let's be honest, if the original cast didn't do a good job, the remake's not gonna be any better." "Okay, all right, so... so, T-Bear is the big black guy that doesn't talk." "Uh, Maggie's the hot one." "Axel is... wait, there's an Axel?" "Do I have to know who Axel is?" "Well, I'm just happy there's a guy with a mustache on this show, but I don't want to get too attached to him." "What the hell did you get me into?" "A possible holding deal with FX if you can pull this appearance off." "Now, remember, lovable." "Okay, likeable." "Did you talk to Chris?" "Is he cool with me?" "I didn't talk to Chris." "I talked to someone who talked to Chris." "He's very excited that you're on the show." "It is so nice to be lied to in a British accent." "It's so classy." " Oh, hey." " Wow, hey, Michael." "Look what the 20 feral cats that you live with dragged in." "That's very funny." " How you doing?" " I'm okay, man." "You?" "I'm good." "I'm good." "It's cool they booked you on this." "I'm glad to see they're not just trying to appeal to young people." "Hey, what's more fulfilling... hosting a game show or being on an Expedia commercial?" "Are they about the same, or... why, are you looking to break in to show business?" "Wow, that was funny." "Did Tom Lennon write that?" "Not as funny as the Groucho mask that you're wearing." "Ouch." "Okay." "Did your nose actually get bigger since the last time I saw you?" "'Cause I didn't think that was possible." "That's very funny." "That's very funny." "Why didn't you tell me Michael Ian black was gonna be here?" "I didn't know, but you two have a natural chemistry." " Oh, is that what you call it?" " You'll make it work." "Hey, guys." "Hey, is everybody psyched to be on the show?" "Yeah, I am." "Marc, are you capable of feeling excitement, or is it all just seething anger?" " Oh, okay, shut up, Michael." " It's good to see you, Michael." " You, too, buddy." "Yeah, you, too." "How are you?" "Hey, Emily." "Hey, Marc." "Hey, Chris." "Great to see you, man." " Sure." "I'm sure it is, yeah." " Uh-huh." " So, you're a fan, apparently." "That's great." " Yeah." "What, uh... what's your favorite part of the show?" " Uh, which show? "Talking Dead" or "Walking Dead"?" " Oh, pick one." "Uh, well, "The Talking Dead"'s good 'cause you do the... you know, you talk to..." " Yeah, we talk." "Right, right, right." "That's about what I thought." "Look, Marc, I don't enjoy you." "You shit on me constantly." "I didn't want you on the show." "I don't enjoy you." "You treat me like shit on a non-stop basis." "I'm doing this as a favor to Emily, and I don't have to like it." "It's good to see you, man!" " Yeah, you, too, you, too." " You are so hilarious." " You want to have dinner after the show?" " I would love to." " Okay, great." "We'll go to our place." " Uh-huh." "I thought you said Chris wanted me here." " You'll make it work." " Horrendous." "While Rick's gang is in serious trouble, Tyreese may be in love, and one of the group is infected." "We're gonna talk about all that and so much more." "I am Chris Hardwick, and this is "Talking Dead."" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "I'm so excited!" "I'm so excited!" "Are you guys freaking out?" "I'm seriously freaking out because there's so much that happened on this episode." "We're gonna help you sort through the emotional rubble." "To talk about this episode with me, mega-fan Michael Ian black... comedian, author, Twitter icon." "He was in "The States."" "And Marc Maron, who hosts a podcast." "Yeah, and Michael was also great on "I Love the '80s."" " Remember that?" " Oh, thanks, Marc." "I'm sorry you didn't get called for that." " I..." " Chris, I am thrilled to be here." "Very nervous." "I feel like I'm in The Governor's zombie-combat ring." "Oh, except... but your only weapon is a trident and two of the prongs are missing." "I actually heard that, uh, four out of five zombie killers prefer Trident." "I-I don't know why they would." "That wouldn't work, Marc, because you want to avoid a close kill at all costs." "Okay, thank you, Michael." " 'Cause it's very dangerous." " I watch the show, Michael." "Marc, that's interesting." "Let's talk about how you watch the show." " Rick... the story line happening with him." " Yeah." "Yeah." "W-w-w-what... what do you think?" "Very compelling." "I-I don't know where he found the gun, but, man, am I glad he had it." "Y-you mean the gun he found in the pilot?" "Yeah, we're... we're all glad he found that four seasons ago." "But do you think that that scene might have been a sly nod to Andrea's death in season 3?" "Yeah!" "Definitely." "I definitely..." "I definitely noticed that, yeah." " How... how did you notice that?" " What?" "I would love to hear you elaborate, Mr. Super-Fan." "Well, uh, Andrea didn't want to die, right?" "Well, s-she committed suicide, Marc." "Yeah, that's intent." "Well, okay." "Well, attempting suicide..." "that's a cry for help, usually, and maybe she was depressed, intimacy issues." "I don't know." "They're on the farm." "She definitely had intimacy issues." "She got too close to a zombie." "Yeah, and they weren't on the farm." "They were in Woodbury." "But that was a nice try." "Um, we're gonna be right back, and we're gonna find out how Michonne learned to wield that katana." "More on "Talking Dead" in a minute." "What?" "I always thought your negativity would destroy you, but here you are, uh, trying to bluff your way through a show that you have no business being on because you do not watch" ""The Walking Dead" at all." "But I got to say..." "I got to say it's... you made an effort, and I thought you were always gonna be one of those guys who just floundered in your own bitterness for the rest of your life." "All right, okay, Chris." "Look, I... yeah, I still flounder." "Yeah, I'm not as bitter as I used to be, and I know we have this... this thing." " No, you have a thing with me." "I don't know why." " Okay, all right." "I-I-I-I apologize for being a dick back in the day." "Back in the day?" "!" "Yeah." "You were a dick to me like a week ago on Twitter!" "What do I got to do?" "What, do I got to grovel?" "I'm sorry for being a dick." "Dude, man needs to find a heart." "I don't know." "All I know is you called me "host boy"?" "I'm sorry, and, uh, I... you're hosting a show." "It's very popular, and I'm..." "I'm pumped to be here." "Pumped?" "Yeah, well... want some Axe body spray to go with that terminology?" "I don't know." "Do you push that on this show?" "Still a dick, Marc." "Welcome back." "Uh..." "Welcome back to the show." "I am here with my good friend, hilarious comedian Michael Ian black." "And also, Marc Maron is sitting on the couch." "Marc, don't take this the wrong way, but I-I feel like maybe you don't watch the show very often." "Well, look, I did watch the show in preparation for this show, all right?" "Well, thank you." "Yeah, well, normally, I don't know if I would watch it 'cause I think it's for 15-year-olds or people who are emotionally 15." "What?" "!" "Yeah." "What?" "!" "My girlfriend enjoys it." "She helped me do the research, and that's how this is happening." " Wait, so I'm confused." "Is your girlfriend emotionally 15 or is she actually 15?" "What difference does it make?" "Either way, I'm learning how to parent a middle-schooler." "I think it's great that you're dating somebody who's too young to remember the first 30 years of your career." "Oh." "Yeah?" "Oh, yeah, you like that one?" "Well, I'm sure your wife is excited to be married to a man whose comedy career peaked when he was in college." "Uh, Michael's was better." "All right, fine." "Look, I have no problem dating a younger, hotter woman." "It's just a... it's a little bit trying when I ask her to clean her room and she doesn't." "I think it's great that you give her her own room, Marc." "Hey, Marc, buddy, this is a live TV show." "Is it cool to not check your Twitter feed every two minutes?" "Sorry, man." "I'm sorry." "Let me ask you a serious question." "Okay." "Do you even know who The Governor is?" "Yeah, it's the, uh... it's the Asian guy, right?" "No, it is not the Asian guy!" "That's Glen!" "He thought Glen was The Governor!" "All right, you know what, Chris, could we just stop with the sanctimonious bullshit?" "It's a zombie show." "It's about as far removed from reality as you calling yourself a nerd." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "I'm sorry, Marc." "I'm pretty sure you don't really know me that well." "I know that you're too good-looking to be considered a nerd." "I have a bug collection." "I've seen over 500 episodes of "Doctor Who."" "I have chess trophies in my house!" "Okay, I stand corrected." "It sounds like you have a sad, full life." "And it sounds like you're still bitter and trying to shit on everything in yours." "Hey, "Still Bitter"... that's the name of your new comedy special, isn't it?" "I think "Still Bitter" is the name of all of the comedy specials." "Okay, all right." "Funny, guys." "That's great." "That's great." "Oh, wait a second." "I think we're actually getting a call." "Oh, this is good." "Hi, uh, you're calling in to" ""Marc Maron takes over and shits on a talk show on live television for no reason."" "What's your name, and where are you calling from?" "Hi, I'm Marc's child girlfriend." " Oh, shit." " Ohh!" "This is great!" "Hi." "Hi, uh... hi, baby." "You are such an asshole." "I hope that that couch is comfortable because you are not sleeping here tonight." "Hey, look, come on." "We're just talking here." "I'm sorry." "I'll make it up to you." "I promise." "No, I asked you for one thing, and you couldn't do it." "Just relax, Jen, all right?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Does Jen's mommy know she's using the phone, Marc?" "Baby, I'm sorry, okay?" "We were just joking." "I'll be home soon." "I love you." "Well, let's talk about the emotional impact of Marc's girlfriend breaking up with him on live television ...what do you think, Michael?" "Don't worry about it, buddy." "You can shack up with me tonight." " We'll cuddle." " Get off me." "Get off." "Get off." "Get off!" "I just did." "Rack me!" "And it looks like tonight's kill of the week goes to Marc's now-ex-girlfriend, who ripped his still-beating heart out of his chest on a live television show." "All in all, not a bad appearance."