"Hello, I'm Patrick Stewart, theatre genius." "Late last year, I found unsuccessful New York playwright Chester Winkle dead in his extended-stay hotel room." "Among his belongings were a hot plate, a stack of Baby Gap catalogs, and 12 American Dad episodes he had written for the stage in one cocaine-fueled night." "They were literally the finest collection of words ever put to paper." "And now, we're proud to present the only one of Mr. Winkle's plays" "I didn't eat out of sheer jealousy:" "Blood Crieth Unto Heaven." "(applause)" "(clears throat loudly) Shh!" "Hurry, everyone!" "Stan'll be here any moment." "Do you think he'll like my gift, Mother?" "If it's anything like you, sweet Steven," "I'm sure he'll adore it." "Lord, it's warm." "Devil farted thick today." "We got a face-full, didn't we?" "Edna, be a good girl, run downstairs and give the air conditioner a kick, won't you?" "Yes, ma'am." "Whoo!" "(quietly):" "Edna." "Yes, Miss Hayley?" "How... is... everything?" "Just fine, Miss Hayley." "Everything..." "and everyone... is just fine." "Hayley..." "It's... been a super long time." "I miss you." "I miss us... having a ton of sex." "You..." "look tired." "(sobs)" "(phone ringing)" "Smith residence, Francine speaking." "You silly, stupid girl." "Hello, Betty." "Does this mean you won't be coming to your only son's birthday party?" "There's a reason Stan hasn't celebrated his birthday since he was a child." "Why couldn't you just leave well enough alone?" "Enough!" "You and I have a very strained relationship and we both know it!" "Oh, yes, we do!" "KLAUS:" "He's here!" "The guest of honor is here!" "Francine, get my fender sponge." "I hit another dog driving home..." "Surprise!" "Ah!" "(laughing)" "♪ Happy birth..." "No!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "Stan, everybody's here to celebrate your birthday." "Well, send them all home, 'cause as far as I'm concerned" "I don't have a birthday!" "No, everybody stay." "Please." "Dan, put on some music." "This party could use a little dancing." "(slow song begins)" "What has gotten into you?" "I said no birthdays!" "But why?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why." "But understand, the why I'm talking about isn't the place where poor people learn to swim and gay drifters rule the showers." "I remember everything about it so clearly." "I was eight... it was the last time I had a birthday party." "And you know what my biggest memory of that party was?" "Not the cake." "Not the presents." "It was my dad, packing' up and walkin' out on us." "Daddy!" "No, don't go!" "Daddy!" "(gasping)" "Stan, I never knew." "Yeah." "But I'm glad he's gone." "He was a thief." "And now he's in jail, where he belongs." "Daddy?" "Would you like to open my gift now, Daddy?" "Not now, son!" "Damn this birthday!" "Damn it straight to hell!" "(car engine revs, tires squeal)" "This birthday's ruined!" "Not just yet, little Klaus." "Not just yet." "Dolores." "Connect me to the favor department." "I'm calling in a favor." "Where did you go, Stan?" "Swept up by a wave of your own darkness..." "Go easy, bro." "Curse my cursed birthday!" "(siren wails)" "Oh." "Am I interrupting?" "Oh, no, Mr. Bullock," "I'm just tinkering' with the air coldener." "Well, I won't be a bother." "Just down for a bottle of champagne." "People upstairs, they can't get enough of it." "To throw in people's faces..." "Never cared much for the bubbly myself." "Water's my drink." "That's so refreshing." "You should try it with a twist of lime." "(laughing heartily) Edna!" "I'm not talking about water-- water's disgusting." "No, I'm talking about your attitude re: water." "Why can't more people be poor and simple, like you?" "Oh, sir, I wish more people were like you, to be honest." "I'm sorry;" "I've spoken out of turn." "Oh, no, it was your turn." "I'd just spoken." "And now it's my turn again." "And I'm going to use that turn... to do this!" "The party ended hours ago and he's still not back." "Well, if you hear from Stan, let me know." "Thank you, Mrs. Fartface." "That must be him!" "Officer O'Sullivan?" "Sorry to bother you so late, Mrs. Smythe, but I believe I found something of yours." "Stan?" "He was eatin' crab and drivin'." "(gasps)" "He'd be spending the night in the cooler, if there was anything illegal about what he was doin'." "Thank you, Ronan." "We'll take it from here." "We?" "Who's we?" "MAN:" "Me." "You!" "That's right." "Your dad." "You're..." "Your daddy." "No, I mean, you're..." "Ready for a swim." "No, I'm surprised you're..." "Out of jail?" "Yes." "Me too." "I called the warden and got him out for your birthday." "It's time you two talk." "(gasps)" "And now, we return to Act Two." "Gesundheit!" "Just kidding." "The theatre can be a lonely place." "What the hell are you doing here?" "You're supposed to be in jail!" "I called in a favor to the warden." "He's my brother, remember?" "Oh, yeah." "I figured if your dad's the one who ruined your birthdays, maybe he's the one who can fix them." "Well, I'm sorry you wasted your time." "'Cause I ain't got squat to say to this low-life." "All the same to me." "Warden only released me for eight hours and I just want to swim." "Damn this heat." "You can't swim your way out of this one, Jack." "Now, you're both gonna sit here and talk this out." "Why did you leave?" "Why did you stay?" "I was eight!" "I just ate!" "That's why I can't swim right now." "Not for nine more minutes." "You walked out on us." "I remember it like it was yesterday." "My eighth birthday party." "I was having the time of my life." "There was a cake, a clown, and all my friends were there." "Oh, and my guest of honor!" "Police Commissioner Jared Stacy!" "I was in the Junior Detective's Club, he was my idol... and he came to my party!" "And there I am!" "Look at me!" "The birthday boy." "Yes, it was the best day of my life... until it was not that." "At all." "(horn honks)" "Where to, Mac?" "As far away from my family as possible." "Daddy!" "So that's how you remember it, huh?" "Yeah, 'cause that's how it happened." "Good, 'cause that's exactly what happened and nothing more." "Enough swimming in memories." "The only swimming I want to do is in the pool!" "Tell me about Chicago-style pizza, Avery." "Or have you never had it?" "No, no, I have." "Let's see." "It's... deep... very deep." "Is it dangerous?" "Were you scared?" "A little." "Any man who says he's not is a liar." "More champagne?" "I have to admit, you're unlike any maid I've ever known." "And I've known nine." "Each of them more Jamaican than the last... until you." "Avery, you make me so happy." "It's funny." "I feel like I could stay down here forever." "Oh, Avery!" "(baby fusses, cries)" "Who's there?" "What's that?" "I didn't hear nothin'." "(baby cries)" "Listen!" "There." "It sounds like a baby." "Show yourself, baby!" "It's not mine, I'm just raising her." "A baby..." "I'm sorry, Edna." "I... can't bear to be around them." "They remind me..." "of babies." "You see, I was in a relationship with this woman." "She got pregnant and we lost the baby." "Seeing this one, it's... it's just too painful!" "But Avery, we're perfect together!" "I'm sorry, Edna." "No!" "If I had known I was going to fall in love," "I never would've agreed to raise this baby for Hayley, whose baby it actually is!" "(gasps)" "Avery!" "(gasps) Damn this baby!" "Damn this heat." "What the hell were you thinking bringing my son of a bitch father back here?" "!" "Did you guys talk?" "Oh, we talked and we talked and we talked!" "If talking were a potbellied pig, we could have entered this one in the county fair!" "But life isn't... fair." "And I won't county on my father ever again." "Stan, you're exhausted." "Why don't you rest?" "Rest?" "!" "Yes." "(screams)" "Stan, you've cut yourself!" "Well, it's my birthday." "I should be allowed to feel something." "(Jack laughing in distance)" "Listen to him out there." "Having more fun than me on my birthday." "There's nothing stopping you from having fun, too." "Oh, well, what a relief!" "Why don't I go out there and do just that!" "Yuck-yuck-yuck!" "What a fun party!" "Yuck-yuck-yuck-yuck-yuck!" "Oh, is this for me?" "Nom-nom-nom, yuck-yuck-yuck!" "Isn't this fun?" "!" "Stan..." "Oh, a balloon!" "How fun!" "A doodle-doodle-doodle-doo!" "A doodle-doodle-doodle-dee!" "I have no interest in watching you make a fool of yourself." "And there he goes, everyone, right on cue!" "Leaving in the middle another party!" "Papa, now that you're making merry, perhaps you'd like to open my gift?" "Not now, Steve!" "My cup overfloweth!" "I have cake-face and balloon!" "Hear that, Daddy?" "!" "Cake-face and balloon!" "(gasps)" "What... wh-wh-wh-what is it, Father?" "That sound." "The balloon." "There was a pop just like it the day my dad left." "I remember... more." "More what, Stan?" "More... information." "It was during the party, before my dad left." "I remember the balloon animal the clown made for me." "It popped." "I started crying." "Went searching for my mommy." "Mommy, my balloon!" "(horn honking)" "I-I remember another sound." "A horn... or a honking." "It was coming from... my parent's bedroom." "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "My dad didn't walk out on us... my mother drove him away." "My mother is a clown whore!" "Is that any way to greet me, Stan?" "Mommy?" "!" "How could you?" "The information, it's too much!" "It's..." "T.M.I. (gasps)" "Hurry up, it's starting!" "I don't know what we're in for." "I'm a little confused whether this is a comedy or a tragedy." "A catastrophe in the end would certainly clear things up." "Let's watch!" "(Stan moaning)" "I told you throwing Stan a birthday party was a bad idea." "How was I to know" "Stan caught you cheating on his father... with a clown?" "!" "STAN:" "You!" "All these years, I blamed my father for destroying our family." "And you allowed me to believe this lie when it was you." "You're the reason he left!" "Stan, you don't understand." "I understand you can't keep your legs shut if there's a curly wig and big shoes in the room." "Is it gift time, Daddy?" "(grunts angrily)" "(gasps)" "Trying to forget something?" "(gasps)" "Why did you tell me you'd had a miscarriage?" "I was scared!" "I wasn't ready for a baby." "And you, you were so enthusiastic!" "I just wanted it all to go away!" "But I loved you." "If you'd given it a chance, there was nothing our love couldn't overcome!" "I know that now!" "Really?" "Already?" "Yes!" "Then let's be together!" "Oh, Avery!" "Let's go get our child and begin our life together anew!" "We can be together now, Avery." "I solved the problem." "What is she talking about?" "It's quiet now." "Just like you wanted." "Edna, what have you done?" "What on Lucifer's black beach have you done?" "!" "Where's my baby?" "!" "Your... baby?" "No!" "No!" "I didn't know!" "Avery, I did it so we could be together!" "(all sobbing hysterically)" "There's no distinction!" "No demarcation!" "Hell and earth slumber in the same bed tonight!" "(sobbing continues)" "Swimming, swimming in the swimming pool." "Perhaps I'll do a froggy kick, to swim from me to you." "Daddy!" "Stan!" "I was just reciting "The Swimming Pool" by Homer." "Daddy, I know the truth!" "It wasn't your fault." "You left because mom pushed you away!" "She's a no-good clown whore!" "You watch your punk mouth!" "Your mother is a rose!" "And you're just a weed that grows in her shade!" "But she cheated on you." "She deserves the wretched mud I sling!" "I didn't want to take you down this gravelly road." "Not on these tires." "But I can't let you think your only mother's a whore." "It's time for you to hear... the truth." "Jack, please don't go down that road." "Not on those tires." "Sorry, Bets." "The hand of fate is about to extend three of its fingers and give Stan one hell of a shocker." "Pop!" "There you are." "You remember this part, I know." "Your balloon dog had just popped and you were looking for your mommy like a bitch... (horn honking) Mommy!" "Mommy, my balloon!" "JACK:" "You want the truth, Stan?" "It's just beyond that door." "Push..." "Push the door open." "That's right." "Your mother was receiving a clown pound." "But what you don't know is that the clown... was me!" "(both scream)" "Oh, so everything's okay." "Mom never cheated on you." "You were just having sex with your wife... in a clown outfit." "Why were you dressed as a clown?" "Oh, you had to have a clown at your birthday." "Otherwise, your party wasn't going to be "perfect."" "But your father and I didn't have any money for a real clown." "Clowns were scarce in those days." "The good ones could name their own price." "Not like now." "Oh, but you needed a clown." "And you threw a tantrum fit for a real queen." "So I pulled out the clown suit that I used for robbing fruit trucks around town." "That's why we always had the freshest fruit." "Right." "Now a lot of people were horny to catch that clown." "None more so than your friend the police commissioner." "I always managed to stay one oversized step ahead of him... until your birthday." "Thanks to you, there I was, performing in that outfit." "And there he was, your invited guest." "He put the whole thing together like two docking hogs in the bathroom of a San Francisco supermarket." "What are you saying?" "He's saying that he gave you the party you wanted... even though he knew it meant giving up his freedom." "The Commissioner called for backup, and I fled." "I fled like a guy sprinting from a supermarket bathroom after trying something that felt great at the time, but that he was ultimately ashamed of." "Of course, before I left, I had to show your mother just how much I loved her one last time." "Oh, Jack." "That means..." "it was my fault you left." "Bingo." "I... destroyed our family!" "You sure did, kiddo." "Time to go back to the slammer, Jack." "Aw...!" "I wish things could've been different, Bets." "I never stopped loving you, Jack." "(sobbing)" "No, no..." "Not again!" "Everything's been my fault." "All these years we'll never get back." "Here's your present, Papa!" "Steve!" "Let me guess:" "you don't have time." "Well, how 'bout I open it for you?" "(grunts)" "Here, it's an authentic 19th-century Army revolver." "Not that you care!" "Thank you, son." "This is just what I need." "Really?" "Th-that's all I've ever wanted." "Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy." "(screams)" "Stan!" "I hope the party was worth it." "Steve, what have you done to this family?" "!" "(all sobbing)" "It appears the guilt that consumed Stan will now be passed on to Steve." "In a sense..." "his only inheritance." "(grunts)" "You thought I was asleep, didn't you?" "Acting." "Good night!" "(cheering, applause)" "(applause and cheering continues)" "Bye!" "Have a beautiful time."