"[Whistle Blows]" "[Beeping]" "[Jazz]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Horn Honking]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Tires Screeching]" "Doh!" "[Krabappel] Bart, there will be no further interruptions... during Martin's book report." "[Martin] "You're killing me, fish." ""Never have I seen a greater or more noble thing than you, brother." ""Come on and kill me." "I do not care who kills who." ""To catch a fish, to kill a bull," ""to make love to a woman, to live."" "I thank you." "Oh!" "Absolutely brilliant!" "There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway." " Bravo, Martin!" " Oh, please, call me Papa." " A little ketchup for your buns, Papa?" " [Splat]" "All right, class, I think we have time for one more report." " Bart Simpson." " [Groans]" " Is your book report on Treasure Island ready?" " Is it ready?" "Ha!" "What a question." "Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled." "Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was Treasure Island." "It's about these pirates, pirates with patches over their eyes... and shiny gold teeth and green birds on their shoulders." "Did I mention this book was written... by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson?" "And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill." "So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten... ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average..." "I give this book a nine." "[Clears Throat] Any questions?" "No?" "Then I'll just sit down." " Bart, did you read the book?" " Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted." "Is this a book report or a witch hunt?" "Then perhaps you'd like to tell us the name of the pirate." "[Thinking] Blackbeard." "Captain Nemo." "Captain Long John Silver." " Bluebeard. [Aloud] Bluebeard?" " Sit down, Bart." " I'll see you after class." " [Groans]" "Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term." " Are you aware of that?" " Yes, ma'am." "Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?" " Yes, ma'am." " Blah, blah, blah-blah." " Blah, blah, blah." " Yes, ma'am." " Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." " Yes, ma'am." "Bart, you haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?" " Yes, ma'am." " Then what did I say?" "Uh, "Straighten up and fly right"?" "That was a lucky guess." "Whoa!" "Take that, Granny." " Ow!" " Oh, no." "Deadly mothballs." "Eew!" "Granny's kissing me." "[Computer] You have reached the level of Ungrateful Grandchild." "Try again, if you dare." "[Laughing]" "[Laughing] Just a couple of more games... and I'll hit the books." "[TV:" "Fanfare]" "Soup's on!" "Hurry up, or it'll get that icky skin on the top." "Ooh, I hate that icky soup skin." "Okay, right after dinner it's down to business." "Mmm." "Marge, would you get me another beer, please?" "In a second, Homer." "Lisa has some good news." " He doesn't care, Mom." " Sure I do." "I just wanna have a beer while I'm caring." "Bart?" " Homer!" "Go ahead, Lisa." " [Gasps]" "Okay." "I got an "A" on my vocabulary test." "[Gasps] What?" "You did?" "Well, that's just..." "Oh, what a glorious day!" "Lisa, hand me your paper." "I'm just gonna take this over to the refrigerator and..." "Hmm." "Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well kill two birds with one stone." " What's the big idea?" "You covered up my paper." " [Chuckling]" "Look at those funny little whiskers." "Ooh!" "That reminds me." "It's Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie." "Come on, boy." "Uh, no, Dad." "I should really..." "Ah!" "Ooh!" "Gorilla the Conqueror." "The granddaddy of them all." "[People Screaming]" "Oh, well, maybe just one more hour." "[Homer Sobbing]" "It's so unfair." "Just because he's different." "Well, time to hit the books." "Burning the candle at both ends, eh, boy?" "Go get 'em." "All right, okay." "Let's take care of some business." "[Clears Throat] Chapter one." ""A Dream of Freedom."" ""On September 15, 1620," ""Puritan separatists from the Church of England, some living in Holland, left Plymouth, England..."" "[Yawning]" ""Their destination was..."" "Psst." "Marge, come take a look at this." "Oh!" "The little tiger tries so hard." " Why does he keep failing?" " Just a little dim, I guess." " Bart, honey, you're gonna miss your bus." " Uh-oh." "Hey, Bart, dude." "Whoa, you look freaked." "Hey, Otto man, I got a big test that I am not ready for." " Could you please crash the bus or something?" " Oh, sorry, little buddy." "Can't do it on purpose." "But hey, maybe you'll get lucky." "Okay, no reason to panic." "Find an egghead, pump him for answers and, boom, I'm back on easy street." " Aha." " Look at him." " I bet he didn't study again." " Now he's gonna try to kiss up and get answers from us." "He's pathetic." " Good morning, girls." " Good morning, Bart." "Say, who's up for a little cram session?" "I'll go first." " What was the name of the pilgrims' boat?" " The Spirit of St. Louis." " And where did they land?" " Sunny Acapulco." " And why did they leave England?" " Giant rats." " Cool." "History's coming alive." " [Girls Giggling]" "[Girls Giggling]" "As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America's colonial period that you just received..." " Is erroneous." " So you're saying..." "A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth... has a better chance of passing this test than you do." " [Bell Ringing]" " Thanks for the pep talk." "All right, students, take one and pass the rest back." " If you have any trouble..." " [Thinking] Think, Simpson." "Think." "Crisis brings out the best in you." "[Groaning]" "Oh." "What is it, Bart?" "Nothing." "Must... take... test." "[Groans]" "[Groaning Continues]" "[Whistling]" "[Groaning]" "What's the matter, son?" "Sharp, stabbing pains in my stomach." "Oh, dear." "I've heard of this." " Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?" " Both arms, ma'am." " Temporary loss of vision?" " [Groans] Who said that?" "Come closer." "Yes, dear?" "Uh, maybe, um, one more dish." "Make it double cappuccino chocolate fudge." "Oh!" "Your third bowl." "I think you may be on the mend." " Is there anything else I can get you?" " Hmm." "Perhaps the TV." " Of course." "Homer!" " What?" " Bring the television up." "Bart's got his vision back." " Doh!" "[Grunts] I wish I had amoria phlebitis." "Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart." "Well, everyone better keep their mouths shut." "You're gonna have to fail that history test sooner or later." "I got my bases covered." "Hey, Milhouse, what'd I miss in school today?" "Nothing much." "Lewis made Richard laugh milk through his nose." "Oh, you don't say." "What about that history test, huh?" "Piece of cake, huh?" "Listen, what you get for number one?" "Uh-huh." "Number two?" "Oh, yeah." "That seems right." "[Humming] Ahh!" "Here you go, Mrs. Krabappel." "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Why, this test is worse than Milhouse's exam." "Bart Simpson, I warned you." "This is the final straw." "Mr. And Mrs. Simpson, I think you know... our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor." " Hey, Dr. J." " I think what we have on our hands here... is a classic case of what laymen refer to as fear of failure." "As a result, Bart is an underachiever, and yet he seems to be... how shall I put this..." "proud of it." " Mm." " One of his problems may be his short attention span... which can lead to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," " Uh-huh." " Blah, blah, blah, blah," " Blah, blah, blah, blah." " Mmm." "But Bart has failed his last four exams in history." " Is there anything you're not telling us?" " No." "Every other student in the class has shown at least some form of improvement." " And yet, you continue to struggle." "Why is that?" " I don't know." "But look at these results." "Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six." " A 12 on state capitals?" " Okay, okay." "Why are we dancing around the obvious?" "I know it, you know it." "I am dumb, okay?" "Dumb as a post." " Think I'm happy about it?" " There, there, Bart." " You're just a late bloomer." " Oh, I wish it were that simple." "As shameful and as emotionally crippling as it may be," "I'm afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson to repeat..." " The fourth grade." " What?" "You can't hold me back." "I'll do better." "I promise." " Oh, sure, that'll be the day." " Promises, promises." " Well, maybe it would help him to be left back." " It won't be so bad, Bart." " No." "I mean it." "You can't hold me back." "I swear I'm gonna do better." "Look at my eyes." "See the sincerity?" "See the conviction?" "See the fear?" "As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!" "And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids." "[Groans]" "Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes!" "Otto, you know I respect you." "You always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns." "Heh." "Damn thing never goes over, does it?" "Ah!" "So, what's in your head, little man?" "Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently." " Uh-huh." " And now they're talking... about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up." "That's it?" "Hey, relax, man." "It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to you." "I got held back in the fourth grade myself." "Twice." "And look at me, man." "Now I drive the school bus!" "[Pryor's Voice] I'm afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson... to repeat the fourth grade." "[Echoing] Repeat the fourth grade." "Repeat the fourth grade." "Repeat the fourth grade." "All right, class, the topic is world literature." "What was the pirate's name in Treasure Island?" " Bart Simpson." " Look, lady, I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal." "Will you quit bugging me about the stupid pirate?" " Psst." "Long John Silver, Dad." " I heard that, Bart Jr." "I want to see both of you after class today." "Ohh!" "Thanks a lot, son." "Yo!" "Little help." "I said little help." "Throw me the ball, Poindexter." "Oh, I'm sorry, Bart. I'm unfamiliar with the rules of your sport." "I didn't want to interfere with a ball in play." "Ooh!" "[Kids Laughing]" "Well, back to the forecastle of the Pequod." " Hmm." "Hey, Martin." " You have your ball." "I have nothing else of value." "I need you to help me get a passing grade." "Well, you do need someone's help to get a passing grade, but I don't know why that someone should be me." "Because I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much." "They..." "laugh at me?" "I'd always considered myself rather popular." "You're not." "Watch." "Huh!" "But my... my speed with numbers, my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas... these things mean nothing to them?" " Perhaps another demonstration." "Huh!" " [Kids Laughing]" "Very well." "You have made your point, Bart." " Then it's a deal?" " Yes." "All righty, let's have a look-see at your study area." " Study area?" " Yes, your sanctuary... from the hurly-burly of modern life." "Well, there's a desk under that junk over there." "Oh." "Tsk, tsk." "No, no, no, no." "This won't do at all." "We're gonna have to clean up this room, and we'll clearly need a few ferns in here." "No study area is complete without adequate plant life." " No." " No?" "Only geeks sit in the front seat." "From now on, you sit in the back row." "And that's not just on the bus." "It goes for school and church too." " Why?" " So no one can see what you're doing." "Oh!" "I think I understand." "The potential for mischief varies inversely... with one's proximity to the authority figure." "Well, yeah, but don't say it like that." " [Crash]" " Ooh!" "Mmm!" " Aah." " Mmm!" " Aah." " Aah." "Pretty soon you will be ready to try it with a real book." " [Laughing]" " That was funny!" " That was great!" " Who would've thought... that pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory could be such a thrill?" "The screams!" "The humiliation!" "The fact that it wasn't me!" "I've never felt so alive." "Great, Martin." "Now, big test is tomorrow and I haven't even started..." "Who cares about some test?" "Life's too short for tests." " Hey, I thought we had a deal." " Ha ha ha!" "The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists." "Come on, fellows!" "To the arcade!" " Cool, Martin!" " All right, Martin!" "[Chanting] Martin!" "Martin!" "Martin!" "[Humming]" "Bart. It's past your bedtime." "Okay." "This is hopeless." "Oh!" "Hmm!" "Well, old-timer, I guess this is the end of the road." "I know I haven't always been a good kid, but if I have to go to school tomorrow," "I'll fail the test and be held back." "I just need one more day to study, Lord." "I need Your help." "Prayer." "The last refuge of a scoundrel." "A teachers' strike, a power failure, a blizzard." "Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow." "I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can." "Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson." "[Chorus] # Hallelujah #" "# Hallelujah #" "# Hallelujah Hallelujah #" "# Hallelujah #" "Wake up, Bart. Rise and shine, little guy." " Time to wake up." " Oh, no, no." " Wake up and look at the snow." " Huh?" "Whoa!" "Good morning, world!" "[Man] Rise and shine, Springfield students." " It's the Bill and Marty Show." "He's Bill." " He's Marty." "Two grown men who can't get enough of each other." "And it looks like we've got some snow formation for all those flake lovers out there." " Mm-hmm." " Springfield electric, gas and water plants..." " Are closed for the day." " Oh, now, don't forget the nuclear power plant, Bill." " That's closed too." " Please, please, please." "Whoo-hoo!" " All right!" " Now, for all you youngsters, you toddlers, this is what you've been waiting for." "Springfield County schools are..." "I can't read it." "I'm too excited." " Uh-oh." "Springfield County schools will be closed!" " Please, please, please." " All right!" " Yeah!" " Come back!" "Your hat!" " You're supposed to eat breakfast!" "Wear your galoshes!" " Cowabunga!" " Remember to take a break..." " If your arms go numb." " Hey." "I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this." "Now your prayers have been answered." "I'm not a theologian." "I don't know who or what God is exactly." "All I know is, He's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe Him big." " [Door Slams]" " You're right." "I asked for a miracle and I got it." "I got to study, man." "I'm not missing anything." "Frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over again." " How good could it be?" " [Kids Shouting]" " [Chuckling] Whoo-hoo!" "I haven't had this much fun in years." "[Chuckling] Gotcha, Burnsie." "Why, you young ragamuffin, I was never one to back away from a snowball fight." " Smithers, you may fire at will." " Certainly, sir." "I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day," " The funnest day in the history of Springfield." " [Cheering]" "Sleigh bells ring" "Are you listening" "In the lane snow is glistening" "A beautiful sight We're happy tonight" "Walking in a winter wonderland" "Gone away is the bluebird" "Here to stay is..." "Gotta study." "Gotta study." "Gotta study." "Chapter six." ""Four Days in Philadelphia."" ""The First Continental Congress faced a difficult job." "Could the delegates agree on recommendations that all Americans could support?"" "We hold these truths to be self-evident..." "[Thinking] We hold these truths to be self-evident..." " That all men are created equal." " All men are created equal." "And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable..." " Hey, look, everybody, it's snowing." " In the middle of July?" "It's a miracle." "Fellas, I've invented something fun: the sled." " [Laughter] - [Man] Hey, look, everybody," "John Hancock's writing his name in the snow." "Do you wanna be held back a grade?" "Concentrate, man." "Later, Mrs. K." "Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over." "Uh, do you think you could grade it now, please?" "Well, all right." "Let me get Old Red." "Mm-hmm." "Well, well." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Well, Bart, it's a 59." "That's another "F."" "Oh, no." "I can't believe it." "I know." "I know." "Another year together." "Oh!" "It's gonna be hell." "What's the matter?" "I would think you'd be used to failing by now." "No, you don't understand." " I really tried this time." "I really tried." " There, there." "This is as good as I can do, and I still failed." "Well, a 59, it's a high "F."" "Who am I kidding?" "I really am a failure. [Sobbing]" "Now I know how George Washington felt... when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754." " What?" " Oh, you know. 1754." "The famous defeat to the French." " My God, Bart, you're right." " So?" "You just demonstrated applied knowledge." "And due to the difficulty and relative obscurity of the reference, you deserve an extra point on your exam." "Hey, it's only fair." " You mean, I... passed?" " Just barely." "[Gasps] I passed!" "I got a D-minus!" "I passed!" "All right!" "Mmmwah!" "I passed!" "I passed!" "I passed!" "I passed!" "I got a D-minus!" "I passed!" "I got a D-minus!" "I passed!" "I got a D-minus!" "I passed!" "I passed!" "I... kissed the teacher!" "Bah!" "[Coughing]" " We're proud of you, boy." " Thanks, Dad." "But part of this D-minus belongs to God." " [Chattering]" " Shh!" "[Bell Ringing]" "[Whistle Blows]" "[Beeping]" "[Jazz]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Horn Honking]" "[Tires Screeching]" "Aaah!" "[TV:" "Host] The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?" " Hitler!" " Hitler, North Dakota?" " [Together] Bismarck." " [TV:" "Girl] Bismarck!" " Hitler?" " I'm still beating you, boy." "[TV:" "Host] Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white and what?" " Blue!" " Yellow!" " Green." " Black." "Green." " [TV:" "Girl] Green." " I was right!" " [TV:" "Applause]" "[TV:" "Host] We'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge... after this important message." "[Man] I used to think that losing my hair was as inevitable as the tides." "Then I found out about Dimoxinil, the new miracle breakthrough in hair regrowth." "[Gasps] Miracle breakthrough?" "There's been a miracle breakthrough?" "[Man] The odds are Dimoxinil can help me grow as much... or as little hair as I want to." "Hey, today I'm gonna do it." "[Announcer] For your free brochure, send $5.00 to:" "Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah." "Hair." "Hair." "Just like everybody else." "You know, some women find bald men quite virile." "Marge, weren't you listening?" "This is a miracle breakthrough." "Not one of these cheapo sucker deals." "Allow me to present the Dimoxinil action set in its entirety." "A six-month supply of the drug, the gravity boots, scalp massager and your T-shirt." " Great." "Great." "How much?" "How much?" " One thousand dollars." "A thousand bucks?" "I can't afford that!" "Hmm." "Well, we do have a product which is more in your price range." "However, any hair growth you experience while using it... will be purely coincidental." "A thousand bucks?" "Of all the rip-off, screw-job, gyp-joint..." "[Sobbing]" "Forget you, pal." "Thanks for nothing." "[Continues Sobbing]" "So I say, "Forget you, pal!" "Thanks for nothing!"" " And I storm right outta there." " That's tellin' 'im, Homer." "Doh!" "Out of tartar sauce." "They call this a portion?" "Are you gonna use all of your tartar sauce?" "Dry fish sticks." "This sucks." " Quit complaining, chrome dome." " [Groans]" "If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that." "Homer, don't be a sap all of your life." "Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively." " Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company." " But it's a thousand bucks." " Burns would can my butt in no time flat." " Ooh!" "A thousand bucks." "So what?" "To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher." "Besides, you pay money into the insurance fund every week." " What do you ever get out of it?" " Nothing." " Well, that newsletter." " Exactly." "Why should you get nothin' while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot?" "You got me!" "Uh, I'd like to charge that Dimoxinil stuff to my health insurance." "Look, buddy, I don't know who put you up to this, but no insurance plan in this state covers something as frivolous as Dimoxinil." "["Mexican Hat Dance"]" "[Whispering] Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes." "Come alone." "[Humming]" "[Buzzing]" "[Thinking] Dear God, give a bald guy a break." "Amen." "[Yawns, Smacks Lips]" "[Gargling]" "[Humming]" "[Gasps]" "I have hair." "I have hair!" "I have hair!" "Look!" "Look!" "Good morning, Springfield!" "Good morning, Mr. And Mrs. Winfield!" "Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie!" "Good morning, Moe's Tavern!" "Hey!" "It's the president!" " Good morning, everybody!" " [All] Good morning!" " [Laughing]" " Good morning, everybody!" "Good morning, Springfield!" "[Together] Dimoxinil!" "[Laughing, Cackling]" "Whoo-hoo!" " [Gasps] - [All Laughing]" "Well, Homer Simpson!" "W-W-Why, you haven't been here in 20 years." " Hey, you got rid of the sideburns." " [Chuckles]" "Give me the usual." "He's much happier at work and..." "Well, just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!" "I don't wanna think about it." " [Door Opens, Closes] - [Homer] Daddy's home, sugar!" " [Kisses] - [Homer Giggling] Come here, you!" "[Marge] Whoo!" "Oh, Homey!" "My sisters are here." "[Homer] Ah, dinner with three beautiful women." "I must be in heaven." "This is Homer?" "Oh, my." " Patty, stop drooling." " Look who's talking." "There's something different about you, Homer." "Did you lose some weight?" "Yeah, you look like you got a tan." " I know what it is... a new tie." " [Chuckling]" "Morons." "Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money." "This is hopeless." "None of these cretins deserves a promotion." "It's in the union contract, sir." "One token promotion from within per year." "Wait!" "Who is that young go-getter?" "Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful." "Simpson, huh?" "Hmm." "An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image." "Our new junior executive." "Bring him to me!" "Attention, Homer Simpson." "You have been promoted." "You are now an executive." "Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends... and report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life." "Well, your "rezoom" seems in order." "Besides typing, do you have any other qualifications I should know about?" "I give great back rubs to harried executives." "Here, let me show you." "No, no, that'll be fine." "Thank you." "Good-bye." " Hello." " Hello, Homey." "How's my big, important executive?" "Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me." " Mmm." " Hello, Mr. Simpson." "I'm Carl." " He sounds good." "Hire him." " I'll call you back, Marge." "Simpson." "Meeting in the board room tomorrow at 2:00." " Just sit there and keep your mouth shut." "Got it?" " Yes, Mr. Smithers." "He thinks he's so big." " You don't belong here." " Huh?" "You don't belong here." "You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out." " [Gasps] Who told you?" " You did." "You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself... in bargain-basement lime-green polyester." "I want you to say to yourself:" ""I deserve this." "I love it." "I am nature's greatest miracle!"" " Go ahead, say it." "Trust me, Homer." " I..." "I..." "I, er..." "Take a step and say it." " I... deserve this." " Louder." " I deserve this!" " Shout it!" "I am nature's greatest miracle!" " I'll need three weeks' vacation and moving expenses." " You got it, buddy!" "Let's go shopping!" "[Gasps] Ooh." "Beauty." "A man's suit should make him feel like a prince." "It should cry out to the world, "Here I am." "Don't judge me, love me."" " Do any of these suits do that?" " No." "Ohh!" "I like this." "No, no, no." "Stand naturally, Mr. Simpson." "Let it all hang out." "You!" "Conceal it." "# [Humming]" "Mom and Dad have been smoochin' again." " Gotta run, Marge." "Can't be late." " Happy anniversary, Homer." "[Gasps] What?" "Our anniversary?" " Are you sure?" " Don't worry, Homey." "This year you have an excuse for not remembering," " [Knock Knock]" " What with your job and..." "Happy anniversary, Mrs. Homer Simpson!" "You are so beautiful" "To me Yeah!" "# You are so beautiful to me #" " Can't you see, can't you see" " Oh, Homer!" " [Phone Rings]" " Hello?" " Mr. Simpson, it's Carl." " [Singing Continues]" " Ah, it sounds like everything has arrived." "Wonderful." " You did this?" " Yes, sir." "I hope I didn't overstep my bounds." "You are so beautiful" "[Quavering Falsetto] To me" "I love you, Homer!" "I love you, Carl..." "uh, Marge." " Proceed, Smithers." " Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity... and record-high worker accident rate." "[Sighs] Any suggestions?" "A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots." " We could put caffeine in the water cooler." " Those are my ideas." "You people don't think, you regurgitate." "That's why I promoted someone who's in touch with the workers." " You." " Uh, I-I think you mean him, sir." " Uh, you, then." "How would you improve the worker situation?" " [Stammering]" "Well, sir, for one thing, we had a problem every Tuesday... when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks..." "Fish sticks?" "What are you talking about?" "They cut the head off the fish, chop up the rest into sticks, then put seasoned bread crumbs..." "I know what fish sticks are!" "Get to the point!" "Well, you only get this tiny cup of tartar sauce to dip in 'em, and I always run out." " Will you stop wasting our time, Simpson." " Shut up, Smithers." "Can't you see what he's saying?" "A happy worker is a busy worker." "Three cents worth of tartar sauce could save us thousands of man-hours in labor." "I like the cut of your jib, Simpson." "Let the fools have their tartar sauce." "[Homer] Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys." "Enjoy!" "Give me your plates!" "Don't crowd!" "Plenty for everybody!" "[Mr. Burns] Hmm." "Brilliant." "Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms... would pay off so quickly?" "You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number... that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month, and our output level was just as high as during Simpson's last vacation." "My dear, tired old Smithers." "Do I detect a note of jealousy?" "[Burns Chuckling Smugly]" "It is time." "Give Simpson... the key." "[Carl] Mr. Simpson!" "Don't sit on that filthy thing one second longer." "They've given you... the key." "[Homer Gasps] The key!" "[Executives Murmuring]" "[Executives Gasping, Exclaiming]" "# [Chamber]" " [Twittering] - [Carl] Stunning." "Absolutely... stunning." " [Toilet Flushes]" " Oh, hey, Home-man." "I was watching the DuMont last night... and I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox." "Now, there's a man who could get things done." "Towel, please, Simpson." " Allow me, si..." " I said Simpson." " But..." " Uh, sure thing, Mr. Burns." "[Chuckles] Well done, Simpson." " Now, walk behind me down the hallway." " Can do, sir." "Mmm." "A thousand dollars?" "Dimoxinil?" ""To keep brain from freezing"?" "Now I've got you, Simpson." "[Chuckles]" "Mmm, Homer, between your hair care products and new wardrobe, we're not saving anything for a rainy day." "There's never gonna be a rainy day, Marge." "There's not a cloud in the Simpson sky." "And what does my little girl want?" "An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life." " Uh, eh, how about a pony?" " Okay!" "[Thunder Rumbling]" "I want you to weave that patented Simpson magic with my executives." "A short speech." "Work, work, work." "You know." " Well, okay." "What the hey." " Excellent." "Set you to your task, Simpson." "Hmm." "Mr. Burns, it is my sad duty to report... that one of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan out of $1,000." "What?" "Blast his hide to Hades!" " [Thunder Crashes]" " Ooh!" "And I was going to buy that ivory back scratcher!" " How did he do it?" " He charged the company for Dimoxinil." " It's a baldness cure." " Thank you very much, Professor Science!" "I know what Dimoxinil is!" "Now, go and make an example of this hooligan." "With pleasure, sir." "Carl, you gotta help me." "Mr. Burns wants me to make some speech to his executives and..." " [Clears Throat]" " What do you want?" " Oh, just thought I'd drop by to tell you that you're fired." " What?" "Our company does not look kindly upon $1,000 worth of insurance fraud." " Clean out your desk by noon, Simpson." " [Groans]" "Wait, Mr. Smithers." "Homer Simpson is innocent." "I did this." " You did?" " What are you talking about?" "Mr. Simpson was unaware of any impropriety." "I take full responsibility." "Really." "Oh." "Well, then, you're fired, whoever you are." " Here's your $1,000." " [Grumbling]" "Hey, what do you care if this guy's bald?" "My reasons... are my own." "Carl, you saved me." "Why?" "Have I done something extraordinary here today?" "No." "I did what I was born to do, what any good soldier would have done... when a live grenade threatened his commander." "I threw myself upon it and bore its terrible brunt." "Well, thanks, Carl." "I don't know what to say." "Just walk me to my car." "Bye, Carl." "I'm gonna miss you." "Bye, Mr. Simpson." "Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today?" " Doh!" "No." " Here." "[Sneezes]" "Okay, okay, you're flat broke." "You don't have Carl anymore." "But you've got your hair." "That's right, it's all about hair." " [Horn Honks]" " Oh, that big speech." "[Thunder Crashing]" "Aha." "Hey, what's happenin:" "hep cats?" " [Milhouse] No way!" " It's gotta be a fake." "It's, like, realsville, daddy-o." "Ha!" " Bart, what are you doing?" " Uh-oh!" " Aah!" " Aah!" " Why, you little..." " Uh-oh!" " [Growls] - [Both Yelling]" "Now I got ya!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Boy must die!" "[Groaning] I love you, Dad!" "Doh!" "[Stammers] Dirty trick." "Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days." "You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family... and baldness is hereditary!" "It is?" "[Sobbing]" "Oh, Homer, why don't you just call the pharmacy and..." "I don't have a thousand bucks!" "But you do, don't you, Marge?" "You do, you do." "You've been squirreling it away, saving it for a rainy day." " That's what you said, right?" " Homer!" "[Continues Sobbing]" "Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion." "[Brushing]" "Oh, Homey, I'm so sorry." "[Shudders]" "You got that big speech in five minutes, Simpson." "You're not gonna hang yourself, are ya?" "[Chuckles]" "Doh..." "Huh?" "[Carl] Dear Mr. Simpson," "I've taken the liberty of preparing your speech on the enclosed 3-by-5 cards." " All the big words are spelled phonetically." " "Fo-a-ne-netically."" "God bless you." "You are one of Springfield's very special creatures." "Your obedient servant, Carl." " Good luck, sir." " Aah!" "Carl." "So that wasn't just a sweet voice I heard inside my head." " What are you doing here?" " I just came by to say good-bye to the gals in the typing pool." "Yeah, well, thanks for the speech, Carl, but I can't give it." "Look at me!" " I guess I haven't taught you anything." " What do you mean?" "Don't you see?" "The tartar sauce." "The bathroom key." "Drying your boss's hands." "You did it all." "It was never the hair." "You did it because you believed you could, and you still can." " No, I can't." "I'm just a big fool." " Oh, no, you're not!" " How do you know?" " Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool." " Carl." " Now go get 'em, tiger." "[Growls]" "And now, with some fresh insights, one of the rising young stars of our [Chuckles] nuclear family," "Homer Simpson." " [Applause] - [Homer Clears Throat]" "Who is that old geezer, and what has he done with Homer Simpson?" "[Chuckles] He is Homer Simpson, sir." "[Clears Throat] "Uh, a lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this." " He's crazy!" " "Yet we at this power plant are doing this..." ""every hour of every day." ""Bloated inventories, outmoded production methods." ""I can save this company millions of dollars a year." ""How?" "Through jiko kanri, the Japanese art of self-management." "This bald man has no ideas." "If this is a joke, I'm not laughin'." "Some nerve telling us how to run the plant." "He doesn't even have hair." ""...inefficiently mining uranium that could be purchased quite cheaply on the foreign markets," ""uh, the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost..." ""for a net savings of f-five thousand, two, uh, hundred and..."" "Oh, lots of money." "[Smithers] Mr. Burns' office." "Right now." "[Smithers] Dead man comin' through." "Well, well, well." "Our dashing young junior executive." "You made a hollow mockery of our morning meeting, Simpson." "I should fire you on the spot!" " But I'm not going to." " Uh, why?" "Simpson, how old do you think I am?" "Uh, I don't know." "A hundred and two?" "I'm only 81." "You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days... my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blond curls." "Oh, I was big man on campus until my senior year, when I became as bald as a plucked chicken." "You see, Simpson, I too know the sting of... male pattern baldness." "That's why I'm giving you your old job back." "What?" "Oh, thank you!" "Thank you, thank you!" "Now get out of here before I reconsider." "Oh." "Better hurry up." "[Homer Murmuring]" "Homer." "Are you still awake?" " I've never been more awake in my life." " What's wrong?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm stuck in that dead-end job again, the kids are gonna hate me 'cause I can't buy 'em all the stuff I promised 'em, and you're not gonna love me as much... 'cause I'm ugly and bald." "Oh, Homer." "Your job has always put food on our table." "And the kids'll get over it." "And..." "And what about loving me?" " Oh, Homer, I..." " [Whimpers]" " Come here." " What?" " Come here!" " Ohh!" "You" "Are so beautiful" "To me" "You are so beautiful" "To me" " Can't you see" " Oh!" "You're everything that I hoped for" "I'm everything you need" " You are so beautiful" " I am so beautiful" " To me" " To you" " [Chattering]" " Shh!" "[Clears Throat] Hello, everyone." "You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday." "Personally, I don't understand it." "Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils, things on TV that are completely inappropriate for younger viewers." "Things like the following half hour." "Nothing seems to bother my kids." "But tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary." "If you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight... instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow." "Thanks for your attention." "[Thunderclap]" "[Distant Howling]" "[Screaming, Ghoulish Laughter]" " [Cat Screeching] - [Mice Squeaking]" "Hoo-hoo-hoo!" "What a haul this year." "I love Halloween." "[Candy Shaking]" " Wait a minute." "Let's see what the kids are up to." " [Owl Hooting]" "And the policeman on the other end of the phone said, "We have traced the call." "It's coming from the floor below you." "Get out of the house!"" "But it was too late." "End of story." "Yawn." "I heard that when I was in the third grade." "It's not scary." " Is too." "Is too." " Is not." "Is not." " Is too." " Is not." " Fine." "You tell one scarier." "Flashlight, please." "Here's a story that's really "scarifying."" " Oh, brother." " I call it:" "[Bart Cackles]" "[Squeaking]" " That's all of it." "Sign here." " There you are, my man." " And a dollar for yourself." " A buck." " I'm glad there's a curse on this place." " Huh?" " Well, it's all ours." " I still can't believe how inexpensive it was." " Motivated seller, Marge." " Well, he certainly must've been motivated." "Prime location." "Eighteen bedrooms." "Moat." " We shouldn't be able to afford this." " So we got a good deal for once." " Quit fighting it." " It just seems too good to be true." " Ow!" "Mom, Bart threw a book at me." " Did not." " Did too." " Did not." " Did too!" "[Male Ghoul] Get out." " [Marge] What on earth was that?" " Probably the house settling." "Hmm." "This kitchen certainly could use a woman's touch." " Homer, what's this thing in the corner?" " I don't know." "It looks like a vortex, a gateway into another dimension." "Ooh!" "A vortex." "Catch!" "Hey!" "Pretty slick." "Huh?" ""Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension."" "Mom, Dad, help!" "[Gagging]" " [Continues Gagging] - [Ghoul] Get out." "Okay, boy, let's see you talk yourself out of this one." "I can feel an evil presence in this house." " Evil?" " Quiet, Lisa." "You're scaring your mother." "Children, get your coats." "We're leaving this house right now." "Now, wait a minute, Marge." "It's only natural... there'd be some things wrong with an old house like this." "It's a fixer-upper." "What's the problem?" "We get a bunch of priests in here..." "I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars." "Don't be so stubborn!" "We're not talking about a few dollars." "We're talking about a few thousand dollars." "[Caterwauls, Grunts] It's got great high ceilings." "[Screeches] Tell you what." " Let's sleep on it, okay?" " [Marge Grunts] All right." " But if anything happens..." " What could happen?" "[Bats Screeching]" "[Ghoul] They are all against you, Bart." "You must kill them all." "They all must die." " Are you my conscience?" " I..." "Yes, I am." "Lisa." "Lisa." "The butcher knife, Lisa." "They are all against me." "They all must die." "[Ratcheting Noise]" "Marge?" "Oh, Marge?" "[Marge, Singsong Voice] I'm in the kitchen, Homer." "[Ghoul] Die, die, everybody die." "[All Cackling]" "[Gasps] What's goin' on out here?" "Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it!" " Sorry." "Sorry, Bart." " Sorry, Dad." "Sorry, Mom." "Sorry, Maggie." "That does it." "Children, get dressed." "We're leaving." " Come on, Marge." "You said you'd sleep on it." " I don't care what I said." "This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house." "Mom, Dad, look!" "It's an ancient Indian burial ground." " [Bart] Man, this place has got everything." " An ancient Indian what?" " [Grunts] - [Line Ringing]" "Mr. Plott, Homer Simpson here." "When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing." "You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground!" "No, you didn't!" "Well, that's not my recollection." "Yeah?" "Well, all right, good-bye." " He says he mentioned it five or six times." " Let's go, children." " Aw, gee, Marge." " Homer..." " [Ghoul] You will die." "You will die slowly." " [Gasps]" "Your stomach will swell." "Your intestines will writhe and boil." "Your eyes will burst, and some horrible stuff... possibly your brains... will start coming out through your nose." "Shush!" "Shut up!" "Quit trying to push us around!" "Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!" "[Ghoul Breathes Heavily]" "Look at me." "I've never been so angry." " My hands are shaking." " Better than your eyes bursting." "[Shuddering]" " Do it again." "Make the walls bleed." " [Ghoul] What?" " No." " Hey, man, we own you." "Let's see some blood." " I don't have to entertain you." " Come on, man." "Do it." "Do the blood thing." "Come on." "Do it." " Do it, do it, do it, do it!" " Why are you trying to scare us?" "Are you trying to keep us from getting close to you, maybe even loving you?" " [Ghoul] Leave me alone." " Don't talk to her like that." " Listen, lady..." " Don't call me "lady." My name is Marge Simpson." "This is my family, and we're not going anywhere." "We're all going to have to live together, so you'd better get used to it." " Please." " [Ghoul Sighs]" " Can I have a minute to think about this?" " Sure." "[Ghoul] Hmm." "Life with the Simpsons." "What choice do I have?" "[Rumbling, Electrical Arcing]" " [Homer] Wow." " [Bart] Bitchin'." "It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us." "You can't help but feel a little rejected." " [Shuddering] - [Lisa] That wasn't scary." " Oh, yeah?" "Well, how about this severed finger?" " [Sucking]" " Ooh!" "Baby spit!" "Well, that last story was just a warm-up for this macabre tale, which I call:" " [Groaning] Homer, all these flies." " Not to worry." "I'll just turn on the trusty bug zapper." " [Zapping, Electrical Arcing, Insect Screeching]" " Ooh, that was a big mama!" "Heh-heh-heh." "# [Humming]" "[Grunts] That should just about do it." "Man alive." "There's nothing better than a hamburger grilled to perfection..." "Cool, man." "[Chomps, Gasps]" "Your burgers are getting cold, guy..." "Holy moly." "[Screams]" "[Screams]" " [Screams]" " Huh?" "[Power Surging, Dropping]" "[Whimpering]" "Greetings, earthlings." "I am Kang." "Do not be frightened." "We mean you no harm." " You..." "You speak English." " I am actually speaking Rigelian." "By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same." " Well, what are you gonna do with us, man?" " Kodos and I are taking you... to Rigel Four, a world of infinite delights to tantalize your senses... and challenge your intellectual limitations." "Look, I know that to you we Simpsons are a lower order of life." "We've faced that prejudice every day of our lives." "But we are happy on our little planet." "We throw ourselves on your mercy." " Please return us to..." " [Kang] Dinnertime." " Get a load of that spread!" " Here you go." "Take all you want, but eat all you take." " Well, thank you very much, Mr..." " To pronounce it correctly," " I would have to pull out your tongue." " Eew." " Fried shrimp!" " Sloppy joes!" " Smothered pork chops!" " Look, Homer!" "Radish rosettes!" "These are hard to make." "They're a very advanced race." "Come, earthlings." "Eat." "Grow large with food." "There's something not quite right about this." "The girl's right." "Let's get some applesauce out here for these pork chops!" " What are you lookin' at, buddy?" " Your wife is quite a dish." "Ooh, thanks." "[Kang] It is our great pleasure to provide you with unlimited entertainment... on your intergalactic journey." "On this cable system, we receive over one million channels... from the furthest reaches of the galaxy." " You get HBO?" " No." "That would cost extra." "And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology:" " An electronic version of what you call table tennis." " [Beeping]" " Primitive paddles have been replaced by an electronic..." " Hey, that's just Pong." " Get with the times, man." " Marge and I played that game before we were married." " Well, we did build this spaceship, you know." " Anyone from a species... that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand." " All right, then." " Sorry." "Your game is very nice." "Dinnertime." " Hey." "How come we never see you guys eat?" " Oh, uh, we wouldn't want to spoil our appetite for the great feast... when we land on Rigel Four." " Ooh, a feast!" " Will we be invited?" "Oh, you'll be at the feast." "I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor." "[Aliens Laughing]" " Tell us more about this feast." " No, no." "Eat now." "When we arrive, there will be plenty of time... to chew the fat." "[All Laughing]" " Very good, Earth boy." " [Muttering Agreement]" " Ooh!" "Ah!" " [Muttering Agreement]" "Excellent, Mr. Simpson." "Excellent." "[Gasps]" "This will give the humans the perfect flavor." "[Gasps]" "Stop!" "Don't you see what's happening here?" "They're fattening us up so they can eat us!" " Come on, Lisa." " If you don't believe me, look at this book that I found." "[All Gasping]" " She's right!" " Humans, you have stopped eating." "[Muffled] Listen, you big, stupid space creature, nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!" " I beg your pardon?" " Don't play dumb with me." "We found your book." "Uh, you mean this?" "It's a harmless cookbook." "It's just a little dusty." "[All] Ohh." "Wait a minute." " Ah-ha!" " [All Gasping]" "Wait." "There's still more space dust on here." " [All Sighing]" " Let me get this straight." " You thought..." " They thought we were going to eat them." "Good God!" "Is this some kind of joke?" "No." "They're serious." "Well, why were you trying to make us eat all the time?" "Make you eat?" "We merely provided a sumptuous banquet." "And frankly, you people made pigs of yourselves." "[Crying] I slaved in the kitchen for days for you people." "Well, if you wanted to make Serak the Preparer cry, mission accomplished." "You aren't the only beings who have emotions, you know." "We offered you paradise." "You would've experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love... and a thousand times greater than what you call fun." "You would've been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty." "But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be." "For a superior race, they really rub it in." "There were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them." "Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good?" " [Bart] Way to go, Lis." " [Homer] Yeah." "Thanks, Lisa." "[Marge Groans]" "[Gagging] Hello?" "Something scary happening." "[Gagging]" "Hey, Poindexter, it's Halloween." "Put the book away." "For your information, I'm about to read you a classic tale... of terror by Edgar Allan Poe." "Wait a minute." "That's a schoolbook." "Don't worry, Bart. You won't learn anything." "It's called The Raven." " "Once upon a midnight dreary..." - [Man Narrating] While I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore," " [Snoring]" " I nodded, nearly napping." " Suddenly, there came a tapping, - [Creaking]" " [Homer Gasping]" " As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door." " [Blows Raspberry] 'Tis some visitor..." " I muttered." "[Yawning] tapping at my chamber door, only this and nothing more." " [Bart] Are we scared yet?" " [Lisa] Bart, he's establishing mood." " [Snoring] - [Narrator] Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December, and each separate dying ember... wrought its ghost upon the floor." "Eagerly I wished the morrow." "Vainly I had sought to borrow from my books..." " Surcease of sorrow." " Hmm?" "Huh?" " [Narrator] Sorrow for the lost Lenore." " Oh, Lenore." "[Narrator] For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore, nameless here forevermore." " [Screams, Teeth Chatter]" " And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling... of each purple curtain thrilled me, filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before." "So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating:" "'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door." "This it is, and nothing more." "Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer." " Sir or madam," " Said I." "truly your forgiveness I implore." "But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, and so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, that I scarce was sure I heard you." " Dare I open wide the door?" " [Gasping] Ooh, ooh!" "[Bart] This better be good." " [Narrator] Darkness there, and nothing more." " Huh?" " [Bart] Know what would've been scarier than nothing?" " What?" " Anything!" " [Narrator] Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before." " [Loud Banging] - [Gasping] Surely..." " Said I." " Surely that is something at my window lattice." "Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore." " [Straining]" " Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, in there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore." "Not the least obeisance made he, not a minute stopped or stayed he, but with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door." "Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door." "Perched and sat and nothing more." "[Chuckling] Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou..." " [Narrator] I said." " Art sure no craven, ghastly, grim and ancient Raven... wandering from the nightly shore..." "Tell me." "Tell me what thy lordly name is on the night's Plutonian shore!" " [Narrator] Quoth the Raven:" " Eat my shorts." "Bart, stop it!" "He says "nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say." "[Bart] Okay, okay." "[Gasps, Sniffs]" " Hmm. [Muttering] - [Narrator] Then, methought, the air grew denser," " Perfumed by some unseen censer," " Doh!" "Stupid censer." "swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor." " [Homer] Wretch, thy god has lent thee, - [Narrator] I cried." "by these angels he hath sent thee, respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!" "Quaff, oh, quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!" " [Narrator] Quoth the Raven:" " Nevermore." " Doh!" "Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" " [Narrator] I shrieked, upstarting." " Get back into thy tempest... and the night's Plutonian shore!" "Leave no black plume as a token of the lie thy soul has spoken." "Leave my loneliness unbroken!" "Quit the bust above my door!" "Take thy beak from out my heart... and take thy form from off my door!" " [Narrator] Quoth the Raven:" " Nevermore." "Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy form from off my door." " [Narrator] Quoth the Raven:" " Nevermore." " Why, you little..." " Uh-oh!" " [Yelling]" "Come back here, you little Raven!" "Doh!" "[Yelling, Muttering, Indistinct]" " Ow!" " [Ravens] Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, nevermore..." "[Growling, Yelling]" "Dag..." "Doggone it!" "[Yells]" " Doh!" "Doh!" " [Narrator] And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting... on the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door." "And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming." "And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor." "And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor... shall be lifted nevermore." "[Cackling Bart-like]" "Lisa, that wasn't scary, not even for a poem." "Well, it was written in 1845." "Maybe people were easier to scare back then." "Oh, yeah." "Like when you look at Friday the 13th, part one." " It's pretty tame by today's standards." " [Marge] Children!" "Bedtime!" "I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight." "[Homer Gasping]" "[Continues Gasping]" "No, no, Marge!" "Come on." "Please." "Homer, I'm not sleeping with the lights on." "They're just children's stories." "They can't hurt you." "[Whimpering]" "[Raven Cackles]" "Ohh." "Oh, I hate Halloween." "[Animal Howling]" " [Chattering]" " Shh." "[Bell Ringing]" "[Whistle Blows]" "[Beeping]" "[Jazz]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Tires Screeching]" "Ah." "So, kids, caught anything?" " Not yet, sir." " Uh-huh." " What are you using for bait?" " My brother's using worms, but I, who feel that tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish," " Am using nothing." " I see." " And what's your name, son?" " I'm Bart Simpson." "Who the hell are you?" "[Chuckling] I'm Dave Shutton." "I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders." "Well, this is my day and we do, sir." "[Grunts]" "All right!" "We eat tonight!" "Wait a minute." "One, two, three." "Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something..." " About that hideous genetic mutation." " [Scoffs] Mary Bailey." "Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time." " Like what?" " Like getting Washington's birthday... and Lincoln's birthday back to separate paid holidays." "Presidents'Day. [Blows Raspberry] What a ripoff." " I bust my butt day in and day out..." " You're late for work, Homer." " So?" "Somebody'll punch in for me." " Try not to spill anything, Dad." " Keep those mutants coming, Homer." " I'll mutant you." "Oh, man." "Plain cake doughnuts." "Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys!" "Why can't I ever get here on time?" "[Burns Over P.A.] Hi-ho, faceless employees." "In a few moments, the government inspection team will be touring our plant." "So look busy and keep your mouths shut." " That is all." " Very stirring, sir." "Uh-oh." " Here they come." " Hold me, Smithers." "Okay, men." "Geiger counters on." " [Clicking] - [All] Huh?" "Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation, the kind you'd find at any well-maintained nuclear facility..." " Or, for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals." " Sorry." "[Whistles] Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower." "Doh." "I'm as shocked as you are." "Plutonium rod used as paperweight." "Oh, now, that shouldn't be." "Yeah, well, that's always been like that." "[Snoring] Waah!" "Ah, just resting my eyes." "Ah, well done." "A rested employee is a vigilant employee." "Monitoring station unmanned." " [Clicking]" " Look here, Inspector." "Eh, could I speak to you privately in my office?" "Mr. Burns," " In 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable..." " Oh, look." "Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars... just lying here on my coffee table." "Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone." "[Muttering] Oh!" "Look, Smithers, the money and the very stupid man are still here." "Burns, if I didn't know better," "I'd think you were trying to bribe me." "Is there some confusion about this?" "Take it." "Take it." "Take it, you poor schmo." "Mr. Burns!" "I'm gonna overlook this felony." "However, I will not overlook the 342 violations..." "I have observed at your plant today." "Either bring this place up to code, or we'll shut it down." " Good day." " [Sighs] Oh, well." "A little dab of paint here, a little Spackle there." "How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?" "Approximately $56 million, sir." " 56 million?" " Don't hit me, sir." "Oh, that I had the strength to take it out on you, Smithers." "Now, please go." "I would be alone." "Once I built a railroad" "Made it run" "[Sniffles] Made it race against time" "Once I built a railroad" "Now it's done Brother" "Can you spare a dime" "Half a million boots went slogging' through hell" "I was the kid" "With the drum Empty." "Bah!" " [Bottle Shatters]" " Waah!" "Ah, just resting my eyes." "Oh. [Chuckles] Holy moly!" "9:30." "Hello, Marge." "Sorry I didn't call, but it's been a madhouse down here." "Yeah, these 12-hour days are killing me." " Echo!" " [Echoing] Echo!" " [Homer Laughing] - [Squeaking]" "[Burns, Drunkenly] # Hey, don't you remember #" " # They called me Al #" " Huh?" "# It was Al all the time #" "# Say, don't you remember #" "# I'm your pal #" "Buddy" "Can you spare a dime" "[Sobbing]" "Huh?" "What the..." "Uh, Mr. Burns?" " Aah!" " Aah!" "Sorry, sir." "It's just me, Homer Simpson." "Is everything all right?" " Working late, Simpson?" " Uh..." "Uh, yes, sir." "You and I are a dying breed, Simpson." "I'm going to share something with you." "Hop in." "[Grunts]" " Ooh!" "Cushy!" " Homer, they're trying to shut us down." "They say we're contaminating the planet." "Well, nobody's perfect." "Can't the government just get off our backs?" "I was just telling the wife that if I was governor, I'd do things a lot differently." "Get off your soapbox, Simpson." "Do you realize how much it costs to run for office?" " More than any honest man could afford." " I bet you could afford it." " [Growls]" " Don't g-get me wrong." "You're an honest man." "I just meant that you could afford to run for governor if you felt like it." "Of course I'm just rambling 'cause you keep staring at me like that." "But it's true." "If you were governor, you can decide what's safe and what isn't." " Where are we going, sir?" " To create a new and better world." "If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?" "Well, he's got my vote." "Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family." "Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her." " I'm for Monty Burns!" " Ooh, a political discussion at our table." "I feel like a Kennedy." "Well, frankly, I don't see how one of the most despicable men who ever lived... has a chance against Mary Bailey, the most beloved governor our great state has ever known." "Now, here's the problem as I see it." "While Governor Bailey is beloved by all, 98 percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse." "That's why we've assembled the finest campaign team money can buy." "This is your speech writer, yourjoke writer, your spin doctor, your makeup man and your personal trainer." "Their job... to turn this Mr. Burns..." "into this." "Why are my teeth showing like that?" " Because you're smiling." " Ah, excellent." "Hey, this is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for." "But how do we turn your average Joe Six-Pack against Mary Bailey?" "With this team of investigators." " Your muckraker, - [Burns] How do you do?" " Your character assassin, your mudslinger, your garbologist." " Hello." "Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this... into this." "Ah, visual aids help so much." "Thank you." "But first, there's a burning issue that we need to address... and neutralize immediately." "Dah!" "I hate that fish." "[Man On TV] Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon." "Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement... brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns." " Burns?" "Change the channel." " You change it." " No, you change it." " I changed it last week." "Fine." "Be a jerk." "Then we'll just sit here and watch it." "Oh, no." "An election?" " It's one of those deals when they close the bars, isn't it?" " Sorry, Barney." "I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish." "Oh, Marge." "What's the big deal?" "I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had." "[Growls]" "Thirty seconds to air, Mr. Burns." " Remember to smile." " I am smiling." " You have to do better than that." " [Grunting]" " How's this?" " There you go." "I'm going to be sore tomorrow." "Well, we've done all we can, Mr. Burns." "The rest is up to you." "Don't worry." "By the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny Lunch Pail in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hand." "Oh, hello, friends." "I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor, and I'm here to talk to you about my little friend here, Blinky." "Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation." "Well, nothing could be further from the truth." "But don't take my word for it." "Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks." " Hello, Mr. Burns." " Oh, hello, Charles." "Be a good fellow and tell our viewers about your theory of natural selection." "Glad to, Mr. Burns." "You see, every so often," "Mother Nature changes her animals, giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs... or, in this case, a third eye." "And if these variations turn out to be an improvement, the new animals thrive and multiply... and spread across the face of the earth." "So you're saying this fish might have an advantage over other fish." "It may, in fact, be a kind of super fish." "I wouldn't mind having a third eye." "Would you?" "[Laughing] No." "You see, friends, if our antinuclear naysayers... and choose-up-siders were to come upon a elephant... frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant, they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear boogeyman." "The truth is, this fish is a miracle of nature with a taste that can't be beat." "Mmm, mmm." "So, to summarize:" "Say what you want about me." "I can take the slings and arrows." "But stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky." "Good night and God bless." "Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote" "For Monty Burns" "Wow!" "Super fish!" "I wish the government would get off his back." "That Burns is just what this state needs: young blood!" "I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey." "Homer, I'm a Bailey booster." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'm a Burns booster." "Ow!" "Congratulations, Mr. Burns." "The latest polls show you're up six points." " Ah, giving me a total of..." " Six." "But we're on our way." "My worthy opponent seems to think... that the voters of this state are gullible fools." "I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment." "Interesting strategy." "Good luck." " And I say taxes are too high." " [Cheering]" "[Crowd Cheering]" "[Crowd Cheering]" "Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?" " Well, we've gone through her garbage." " We've talked to her maid." "And so far, the only negative thing we have found... is from some guy who dated her when she was 16." " Ah!" "And?" " He, uh..." "He felt her up." "Bah!" "Not good enough." "We're going to send a message... to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital!" " Is your boss governor yet?" " Not yet, son." "Not yet." "The voters now see you as imperial and godlike." " Hot dog." " But there's a downside to it." "The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with the common man." "Oh, dear!" "Heaven forfend!" "Which is why the night before the election, we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers." "Oh, I get your angle." "Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state... will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punch Clock." "The media will have a field day." "The only question is, can we find someone common enough?" " [Belches] - [Groans]" "Well, I..." "I knew there would be sacrifices." "[Belches]" "Oh!" "Great toast, Marge!" "Oh." "The night before the election, Mr. Burns is coming over for dinner." " What?" " And some reporters and camera crews." " But you don't need to feed them." " Cool, man." "A media circus." " Absolutely not." " Come on, Marge." "Mm-mmm." "I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night." "Doh!" "Doh!" "Kids, please leave the room." "I don't want you to see this." "Uh-oh." " Please, please, please, please, please, please." " [Grunts]" "We're hoping that one of the children... might pop up with a question about the upcoming election." "Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow?" ""Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train." " Why are you so popular?"" " Very good." "Hmm." "Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet... in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable?" "No." "The card question will be fine." "I think the non-card question is a valid one." "Marge!" "Don't worry." "My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow." "And finally, Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate to him." "But we must remind you, he hates being touched." " [Grunts]" " Hmm." " Marge, get back in bed." " No, I'm just fine right here." "What's wrong?" "I just wanna snuggle." " Well, I don't feel like snuggling." " What's that got to do with it?" "I don't wanna snuggle with anybody who's not letting me express myself." "But you do get to express yourself, in the lovely home you keep and the food you serve." "Okay, Homer." "Fair enough." "You got it." "All right." "Good." "That's it." "That's how I'm gonna express myself." " That's right." "Good night." " Huh?" "[Chattering]" "Well, what do we think?" "Hey!" "Hello, handsome." "Hey, get that stuff off his face." "We're here to have dinner with a common man, not Tyrone Power." "The latest polls are in." "It's dead even, 50-50." "This cornball stunt is gonna put us over the top." "[Reporters Clamoring]" "Whoa, he's here!" " [Doorbell Rings]" " Hello, Homer." "Marge, you look... dazzling." "Oh, and look, I brought noodle kugel." " [Barks]" " Aah!" "You... bad dog." "Bad... neighbor dog." "Here." "Let me help you up, Mr. Burns." " Ah!" "Watch it." " I love dogs." "Babies too." " [Meows] - [Crowd Gasping]" " Kitty, kitty." " Uh, you all right, Mr. Burns?" " Oh!" "Of course." "A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite." "The latest polls are in." "The statesmanlike way you handled the pet incident... has put you over the top." "You're ahead 51 to 49." "Congratulations, Mr. Governor." " Excellent." " Bart, would you like to say grace?" "Dear God, we pay for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing." " [All Gasping] - [Chuckling]" "Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy." "God bless them all." "Amen." " [Reporters Laughing]" " He's smoking." "He's smoking." "Um, you know, Mr. Burns," " My family and I, um, - [Belches] feel that taxes are too high." "Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?" "Goodness." "I didn't realize this casual dinner... was going to turn into charged political debate." " I was only reading what the card..." " Homer, I agree with you." "And if I'm elected governor, I will lower taxes... whether those bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not!" "Lisa, do you have a question you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery?" "Yes, sir." "A very inane one." "[Sighs] Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train." "Why are you so popular?" "Ooh, a tough question, but a fair one." "Lisa, there's no single answer." "Uh, some voters respond to my integrity." "Others are more impressed with my incorruptibility." "Still others by my determination to lower taxes." "And the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it." "Oh, Mom, that felt awful." "I'm sorry, dear." "It will all be over soon." "But, Mom, we've become the tools of evil." "Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight, and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt." "...get a decent break or a fair shake or even a square deal." "Mmm." "Smells delightful." "[Scattered Gasps]" " Ah." " All right." "Three-eyed fish." " Can I have your plate, Mr. Burns?" " [Seething]" "[Scattered Gasps]" " I can't believe it." " He's blown it for sure." "Ruined before it hit the ground." " Get me the city desk." " Here's your headline, Phil." ""Burns Can't Swallow Own Story."" "The latest polls indicate Burns' popularity has plummeted to Earth... like so much half-chewed fish." "You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve." "Smithers, boil some coffee." "We're not licked yet." " Yes, we are." "Come on, boys." "The old guy's finished." " Wait." "Come back." "You can't do this to me." "I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!" "[Yelling]" "[Grunting]" " Smithers, tip over this table for me." " Yes, sir." " Homer." "Homer." "Make them stop." " [Clears Throat]" " Uh, Mr. Burns." "Mr. Burns." " [Grunting]" " Shut up and wreck something." " [Grunts]" "Mr. Burns, I hardly see... what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish." "She's right." "Take me home, Smithers." "We'll destroy something tasteful." "Ironic, isn't it, Smithers?" "This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election." "And yet, if I were to have them killed," "I would be the one to go to jail." " That's democracy for you." " You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir." "Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years... that your dreams will go unfulfilled." "Uh-oh." "You're busted, Dad." "[Homer] Oh." "My dreams will go unfulfilled?" "Oh, no." "I don't like the sound of that one bit." "That means I have nothing to hope for." "Marge, make it better, please." "Can't you make it better, huh?" "Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping till noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them." "Hey, you did it!" " [People Chattering]" " Shh!" "[Whistle Blows]" "[Beeping]" "[Jazz]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Horn Honking]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Tires Screeching]" "So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?" " Oh, Barney." " Come on, Homer." "We're dyin' of curiosity." "Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser." "It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story... of how he became a loser." "I never want that to happen to me." " Please, Homer?" " Yeah, come on, Homer." "Well, okay." "It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night... down at Springfield Stadium." " [Tires Skidding] - [Police Siren Wailing]" " [Headset:" "Heavy Metal] - [Panting] Well, I think we lost 'em." "Hey, and we're at the ball park." "All right!" "Two birds with one stone!" "[Otto] Okay, everybody out!" "[All Cheering]" "You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight... may make it to the big leagues one day." "What?" "Aren't we gonna see any washed-up major leaguers?" "Sure." "We get a nice mix here." "I can't think of a better place to spend a balmy summer's night than the old ball yard." "There's just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield... and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy." "[Chuckles] Lisa, honey." "You're forgetting the beer." "It comes in 72-ounce tubs here." " I hope you'll space out the tubs this year, Homer." " What are you getting at?" "Well, last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire." "Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat." "It also gives me the right..." "no, the duty... to make a complete ass of myself." "Mmmph." "Ah, the Gammells." "Good to see you." "You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir." "Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog. [Cackles]" " Put a little smile on his card, Smithers." " Already there, sir." " [Whispers] It's the Simpsons, sir." " Well, if it isn't the Simps." "Uh, i-it's the Simpsons, sir." "Huh?" "Oh, uh, oh, yes." "Homer and Marge Simpson." "Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa and, uh, Expecting." " Uh, the card needs to be updated, sir." " [Exasperated Stammering]" "Well, uh, that's okay." "The baby's name isn't important." "Let's go, Marge." "[Vendor #1] Red hots!" "Get your red hots here!" "[Vendor #2] Peanuts!" "Peanuts!" "[Bart] Oh, wow!" "There's Flash Baylor!" "I gotta get his autograph." "He used to be a star." " Hey, Flash, will you sign my ball?" " No." "[Muttering] Lousy, washed-up, broken-down tub of guts." "Who does he think he is, anyway?" " What's the matter, boy?" " He wouldn't sign my ball." "Well, he's a fine role model." "Bart, give me that ball." "Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail heading' this way." "Hey there, little lady." "What can Flash do for ya?" "Here you go, Bart." "Hmm. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26." "How 'bout it?" "Flash."" "Wow!" "Flash Baylor came on to my wife!" " You've still got the magic, Marge." " [Giggles]" "Hey, Dad, look!" "You're on Jumbo-Vision!" "Whoa!" "Hey, everybody!" "How you doin'?" "Look at me!" "I'm Homer Simpson!" "[Chuckles]" " [Crowd Laughs]" " Homer." "Homer." " X-Y-Z." " Examine my zipper?" "Why?" "Whoop!" " [Crowd Cheering] - [Zipper Zips]" "Heh-heh-heh." "Thanks, everybody!" "Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball, a man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest and cleanest energy source," "Mr. Montgomery Burns!" " # [Organ:" "Fanfare] - [Smattering Of Applause]" " Oh, they love you, sir." " [Chuckles] As well they might." "You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck... my patented fade-away pitch was compared by many... to the "trouble ball" of the late, great Satchel Paige." " Spit on this for me, Smithers." " One "hawker" coming up, sir." "[Hawking]" " [Loud Grunt] - [Crowd Laughing]" "[Laughing] What a lame-o!" " I think I can actually hear the air being torn, sir." " Oh, shut up!" "Hey, Burns!" "Hey, rag arm!" "You throw like my sister, man!" "Yeah, you throw like me!" "Ladies and gentlemen, to honor America, will you please rise for our national anthem, sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm and blues sensation Bleeding Gums Murphy!" "Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h" "# Oh, say #" "# Can you #" "# I'm askin: can you #" "# See-e-e-e-e-e #" "# By-y-y-y-y #" "# The dawn's... #" "# And the rocket's #" "Red gla-a-a-a-a-a-re" "# The bombs bursting #" "Shoot it off Poppin' way up" "In the ai-i-i-i-i-i-r..." "# And #" "# The home #" "# Of the-e-e-e-e-e-e #" "Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ve" "[All Gasp]" "Hi-de-hi, Springfield." "Dan Horde mike-side." "Tonight our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians." "The Topes are looking to snap that darn 26-game losing streak, the longest in pro baseball." "How about that?" "Our sleepy town is in the record book." "Ah, sitting with the employees." "I guess this proves I'm their friend." "You did get me something on an aisle, Smithers." "I don't want to be surrounded by them." "Let's go, now!" "Swing, batter!" "We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher!" "We want a catcher, not a belly-scratcher!" " Here we are, sir." " Oh, no." "[Vendor] Red hots!" "Get your red hots here!" "[Whining] Oh, Marge." "Sitting next to the boss." "The best night of the year, and it's ruined." "Of all the lousy, rotten..." "All this means is that you can't wave your fanny in public." "Rub it in." "Beer here!" "Duff Beer!" "Beer." "Did you hear that, Marge?" "Delicious, frosty beer." "Fat lot of good it does me sitting next to Burns." "Now, Homer." "I suppose you want a beer." "Uh, m-me, sir?" "Oh, no, not a chance." "Only idiots drink beer." "Actually, I was wondering if you'd join me, my treat." "Oh, well, if someone of your stature can enjoy a beer, maybe I'm all turned around on the subject." " Wait, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?" " No." "Uh, vendor, two, please." "2.50." "# [Organ:" "Fanfare]" "The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker!" "[Laughs] Good one, sir." "Oh, well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park." "Little baby batter can't control his bladder!" "Mmm, crude, but, uh, I like it." "Uh, what do you say we freshen up our little drinkie-poos?" " Don't mind if I do." " [Chuckles]" "# [Organ:" "Fanfare]" " Well, Simpsie, you up for another wave?" " All right, Burnsie." " Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" " Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "[Announcer On P.A.] Topes, one out, down by three." "Here's the pitch." " Swung on and missed." "Strike three." " [Crowd Groaning]" " [P.A. Announcer] Of course." " Damnation!" "These banjoes couldn't carry Pie Traynor's glove." "Big Bill McCloskey coming up." "As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the post-game show." "Come on!" "All we need is a grand slam!" "[Disgusted Murmuring]" "My one game of the year... ruined by pathetic incompetents!" "["Baby Elephant Walk"]" "What's wrong with you people?" "Let's show some spirit!" "Come on, get up!" "Your team needs you!" "Come on!" "# [Organ Continues]" "[Homer Narrating] As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication... that had nothing to do with alcohol." "It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle." "There's some nut in right field dancing up a storm." "He's really got the crowd going." "Let's see if he can shake up mediocre slugger Big Bill McCloskey." "# [Stops]" "[P.A. Announcer] Swung on and belted to deep left field!" "It's going, going..." "It's gone!" "It's outta here!" "Oh, my God!" "The Isotopes win a game!" "The Isotopes win a game!" "The Isotopes win a game!" " Well, that was certainly exciting." " Yes." "Unfortunately, Homer Simpson's shameless display of exhibitionism... tainted the entire evening." " I want him banned for life from all company outings." " [Chuckling]" " Way to go, Homer." " [Chuckling] Hey, thank you." "You're too kind." "Glad you enjoyed it, but I can't take all the credit." "The batter did his part too." "Excuse me." "You, sir, the dancin' fella." "I'm Antoine "Tex" O'Hara." "I own the Isotopes." "Would you be interested in becoming our official mascot?" "Me, a-a mascot for a bush league team?" "[Homer Narrating] I should've slept on it, or at least stared blankly for a while." "Perhaps if I had been unable to think of a nickname, all our lives might have been spared." "[Man] Get on the bus, Dancin' Homer!" "Will you shut up!" "I'm trying to think of a name!" "Well, I'm ready to punch in!" "Whoa!" "Hey, cool, man!" "Our lives have taken an odd turn." "Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer?" "Nope, this was my own bright idea." "Come on, we gotta hurry." "Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids." "Save room for your nachos." " [Bart, Lisa] All right!" " Mmm." "# [Organ: "Baby Elephant Walk"]" "[Homer Narrating] For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me." "They were laughing towards me." "[P.A. Announcer] Topes win!" "Topes win!" "Two in a row!" "Two in a row!" "# ["Baby Elephant Walk"Continues]" "A Simpson on a T-shirt." "I never thought I'd see the day." "Oooh!" "Boogie-boogie boogie-boogie-boogie!" "Hey, knock that off, or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine." "Oh, yeah?" "And where might that be?" "Oh." "[Cheering]" "Helen, I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight." "How about giving me "Baby Elephant Walk"... with a little reggae kind of beat." "# ["Baby Elephant Walk, " Reggae Style]" "Go, Dancin' Homer!" "Heat up, man, heat up!" "Lively up yourself, Dancin' Homer." "[P.A. Announcer] Bases loaded, two out." "The good guys trail by a run." "[Crowd Shouting] S..." "P..." "R..." "I..." "N..." "G..." "F..." "E..." "E..." "L..." "D!" "Springfield!" "[Cheering]" "[P.A. Announcer] Here's the pitch." "Swung on and missed." "Strike three." "Topes lose." "[P.A. Announcer] Topes lose." "Topes lose." "You wanted to see me, Tex?" "Homer, we both knew when you began doin' this... you weren't gonna be here forever." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I get it!" "You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot." "You make me sick." "Homer, I'm not firing' you." "I just got the word." "You've been called up to Capital City." " Me, in the majors?" " That's right." "Wait a minute." "Capital City has a mascot." "The greatest mascot there is..." "the Capital City Goofball." "Yeah, but he's gettin' on in years... and he needs someone to fill in for a couple innings a night." " Could be a big opportunity for ya." " I'll say!" " Why don't you talk it over with your family?" " Because they might say no." "This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced." "I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife." "I shouldn't have called her that." "Bite my tongue..." "Oww!" "I can't leave Springfield." "I was born here." "I thought I would die here." "It won't be so bad." "You'll die someplace else." "Well, what am I supposed to do about friends?" "You'll make new and better friends." "But, Dad, we're simple people with simple values." "Capital City is too big and too complex." "Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us." "Homer, I'd be lying if I didn't say that this scares me a little." "But we all have a calling, a reason the Almighty put us on this earth, and yours might be to dance on dugouts." " You mean..." " Let's do it, Homer." "Yeah, let's blow this pop stand and never look back!" "Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!" "It's not that simple." "I've gotta convince my supervisor to give me a leave of absence." "Sure." "What would you like?" "Four years?" "Five years." " So, Simpson, you really moving to Capital City?" " [Banging On Keys]" " That's right, Ned." " And all this stuff is for sale, huh?" "You know, I-I-I don't know how to say this, but..." "Oh, knock it off, Flanders." "Don't start blubbering on me." "I'm gonna miss you too... not." "I don't know, Bart. I mean, I'm gonna miss you and all, but..." "Come, on, Milhouse." "This way we'll be friends forever." " Well, okay." " [Both Spit]" "I'm gonna miss you, spit brother." "I'm gonna miss you, spit brother." "I can't help but feel that if we had gotten to know each other better, my leaving would actually have meant something." " Yeah." " Mm-hmm." " Right." "[Panting]" "Well, we have one quick stop, and then it's on to Capital City." "I can't believe it." "Our baby sister in the big city." " I'll call you every day." " I'll call you too." " [Horn Honks]" " Look, he can use a horn." " [Car Engine Starts, Horn Honks]" " Oh, shut up!" "[Crowd Cheering]" "[Homer On P.A. System] Some may say... that I have been given a bad break in life..." " [Crowd Quiets]" " Little education, bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job... for the same salary." "But today, as I leave for Capital City," "I consider myself... the luckiest mascot... on the face of the earth." "[Crowd Resumes Cheering]" "[Homer] With the fickle fans already forgetting me," "I was ready to take the biggest step of my life." "Doh!" "[Homer] Well, kids, there it is!" "Capital City!" "Look!" "The Crosstown Bridge!" "# [Mid-tempo Swing]" " Wow!" " Wow." "[Man] # There's a swingin'town I know #" "# Called Capital City #" "The Penny Loafer!" "# People stop and scream hello in #" "# Capital City #" "Kids, look!" "Street crime." "# It's the kind of place #" "# That makes a bum #" "# Feel like a king #" "Wow." "That's service." "# And it makes a king #" "# Feel like some nutty cuckoo, super king #" "Look!" "It's Tony Bennett!" "Hey, good to see you!" "# It's against the law to frown #" "# In Capital City #" "# You'll caper like a stupid clown #" " # When you chance to see # - [Marge] 4th Street and "D"!" "# 4th Street and "D" Yeah #" "# Once you get a whiff of it #" "# You'll never want to roam #" "The Duff brewery!" "# Capital City My home, sweet, yeah #" "# Capital City My happy-tall city #" "# It's Capital City #" " # My home, sweet #" " Doh!" "# Swingin'home #" "# [Ends]" "[All] Capital City!" "Yeah!" "C..." "A..." "P... uh, I..." " Oh, come to bed, Homey." " Sorry, honey." "I'm just a little nervous." "Mmm." "[Homer] We would talk about it always." "For the first time in our lives," "Marge fell asleep before I did." "Okay, here are your tickets." "They're supposed to be good." "You're sitting with the players' wives." "And don't forget to cheer for me." "I'll see you after the game when you're a big star." "[Homer] Bart was strangely quiet." "Later he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me." " It wouldn't last." " Wow." "[Gasps] Oh, my God." "I don't believe it!" "It's really you!" " The Capital City Goofball!" " Hello, Dancin' Homer." "Glad to have you aboard." "If there's anything I can do for ya," " Just squeeze the wheeze." " [Honk]" "The fifth inning will be yours." " Everyone is settled in, - [Towel Snaps]" " Aaah!" " They've had a couple beers, the game is official." " It's a pretty important inning." " Wow." "The fifth." "It's also the inning I wish I had a zipper on the front of this thing." " [Honk]" " Right, Mr. Goofball." "Call me plain old Goof." "So, what exactly do you have planned for us?" "I get up, I dance, I spell out the name of the city to the tune of"Baby Elephant Walk."" "Ah, Mancini." "The mascot's best friend." "Well, see you on that field." "I'll set 'em up, you knock 'em down." "Well, hello again, everybody." "Dave Glass talkin'at you." "We got great weather here tonight under the dome." "Mmm, let's see." "Upper-upper-upper mezzanine." "Hmm." "Well, these must be ours." " These seats stink." " I'd think the players' wives would be closer to the action." "Actually, this section is for the players' ex-wives." "And then I found out that all the while there was this bimbo in Kansas City." "Throw at his head!" "[Homer] Who'd have thought it?" "A free ticket to a big-league park, but I was too tense to enjoy the game." "Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand." "Red hots!" "Get your red hots here!" "[Thinking] Mmm." "Red hots." "[P.A. Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Capital City's newest sensation," "Dancin'Homer!" " # ["Baby Elephant Walk"]" " Hmm." "These do taste better at the ball park." " Uh-oh." " # [Continues]" "There he is!" "[Homer] I was graceful." "I was witty." "Brother, I was something!" "But they didn't care." "[Yawns]" "What is with these people?" "Why are they sitting on their hands?" " Mom, what's he doing wrong?" " I don't know." "[Homer] It was so quiet you could hear each individual smart-ass remark." "This guy doesn't make me want to cheer." "Gee, I really pity him, making a fool of himself in front of so many people." "These cornball antics may play in the sticks, but this is Capital City." "[Homer] The only applause I got was for dragging'my carcass out of there." "Hey, Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office right now." "I'm sorry, young man." "You're just not ready." "Pick up your check at the front office, and for God's sake, put some clothes on!" "I guess it's back to good old Springfield." "But I can't go back, not after I've seen the bright lights of Capital City." "I'll wither and die like a hothouse flower." "Stop it, you two." "And don't look too down." "I'm sure this is hard enough for your father." " [Cheering, Shouting]" " What a family." "[Homer] My wife and kids stood by me." "On the way home I realized how little that helped." "So that's it." "The costume's buried now." "As my son would say, I'm one sad, apelike dude." " Wow!" " Wow!" " What a saga!" "Hey, you guys are hangin' on my every word." " I've become the center of attention." " Yeah, it's riveting." " Tell it again, Homer." " Okay." "I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular." "[Moe] I don't know." "They just do." "# There's a swingin'town I know #" "# Called #" "# Capital City #" "# People stop and scream hello #" "# In #" "# Capital City #" "# It's the kind of place #" "# That makes a bum feel like a king #" "# And it makes a king #" "# Feel like some nutty cuckoo, super king #" "# It's against the law to frown #" "# In #" "# Capital City #" "# You'll caper like a stupid clown #" "# When you chance to see # # 4th Street and "D" Yeah #" "# Once you get a whiff of it #" "# You'll never want to roam #" "# From Capital City #" "# My home, sweet swinging'home #" "# [Ends]" "[Bell Ringing]" "[Whistle Blows]" "[Beeping]" "[Jazz]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Horn Honking]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Grunting]" "Bust my hump all week." "Stupid grass!" "Supposed to be the boy's job." "Now, now, Homer." "Bart's busy working on his science project." "You heard the lady, Homer." "So please mow quietly." "Genius at work." "1:00." "Still just a potato." "Hey there, neighbor." "The Lord's certainly given us a beautiful day today, huh?" " Hello, Flanders." " Doing a little yard work, huh?" "Who told?" "Marge, beer me." "Say, Simpson, uh, I've got some time-release granules... that'll get rid of that crabgrass in just a half a jif." "Crabgrass?" "What are you talking about?" "Where?" "Well, uh, ooh, there, there, and, uh, there's a big patch over there." "There's nothing wrong with crabgrass." "It just has a bad name, that's all." "Everyone would love it if it had a cute name, like, uh, elf grass." " [Laughing] Well, you may be right." " Marge, where's the Duff?" " Oh, we're all out, Homer." " Doh!" " Would you like some fruit juice?" " Don't toy with me, woman." "I couldn't help overhearing, Simpson." "I've got some ice-cold suds in the rumpus room, if you'd like to join me." "Well, uh, okay." "What the heck?" "I've earned a little break." "[Gasps] Holy moly!" "It's beautiful." "[Chuckling] Say, that's right." "This is your first visit to the Flanders homestead." "Well, we've only been neighbors, what, one, two, three, four..." " Eight years." " Ah, there's my little popcorn ball." " Kissy, kissy. [Giggles] - [Giggles]" "Hello, spongecake." "I thought you boys might be hungry, so I whipped up some club sandwiches." "Ain't she wonderful, Simpson?" "Yeah, yeah." "Aren't we forgetting something?" "Oh, your beer." "Uh, is draft okay?" "Just put in the tap last week." "[Chuckles] Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland." "Well, beggars can't be choosey." "[Gulping]" " [Belches]" " Hey, Dad, thanks for helping me with my science project." " [Kisses]" " Oh, my pleasure, study buddy." "[Todd] I've got the best dad in the whole world!" "[Flanders] Oh, now, you know how that embarrasses me." "I know." "T'oodley doodley." "[Sighs] Kids can be a trial sometimes." " All right, knock it off!" " Knock what off, Simpson?" "You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here!" "Your family is better than my family!" "Your beer comes from farther away than my beer!" "You and your son like each other!" " Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt!" " [Gasps]" "You make me sick!" "Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." "I hope you understand." "I wouldn't stay on a bet!" "[Gulping]" "One for the road." "[Chomping]" "[Groaning]" " Homey, quit tossing." " Sorry, Marge." "But I'm still steamed up about that jerk Flanders." "Lousy bragging know-it-all show-off." " What exactly did he say?" " Get this." "He said..." "Now..." "He said..." "Well, it wasn't so much what he said, it was how he said it." " How did he say it?" " Well, he..." " Was he angry?" " No." " Was he rude?" "Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it either." "But the message was loud and clear:" "Our family stinks!" "Hmm." "Homer, I'm your best friend, but I've gotta say," "I've never seen him be anything but a perfect neighbor." "Oh, he's perfect now, is he?" "Well, he's not perfect, but he is very..." "No, no, Marge." "Don't backpedal." "You were right the first time." "He's perfect!" "Perfect in every way." "I'm just gonna go take a walk around the block to calm down." "I got a little excited." "I'm not perfect, like Ned Flanders." "[Groans]" " [Flanders Grunting]" " Neddie, you're tossing." "What's the matter?" "[Sighs] I feel terrible." " Mm-hmm." " Sometimes I forget that we have things... a little better than the Simpsons." "I drag him over here." "He has a few beers." " You can't blame him for erupting." " Mm-hmm." "And then I turn into a snarling beast." "Talk about flunking the old turn-the-other-cheek test." " Well, Ned, maybe I'm not the one you should be talking to." " You're right." " [Speed Dialing]" " Hello, Reverend Lovejoy?" "[Yawns] No." "This is Mrs. Lovejoy." " Just a minute." "Honey." "Honey, wake up." " [Groaning]" "It sounds like Ned Flanders is having some sort of crisis." " [Groans] Probably stepped on a worm." " Mm-hmm." "[Snorts, Clears Throat] Hello, Ned." "Reverend, I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, but I threw a man out of my house today." "I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19." " Huh?" " "Love thy neighbor."" "Oh." "Oh." "Matthew 19:19." "Yeah, right, right." "Well, you know, Ned, the Good Book says a gentle answer turneth away wrath." "A gentle answer." "That is a jim-dandy idea." "[Chuckling] Bless you, Reverend." ""Dear Neighbor."" " Flanders!" " [Gasps]" "[Nervous Chuckle] I don't blame you for being upset with me, Homer." "I just wanted to give you this letter." "I'll leave now." ""Dear Neighbor..."" " "You are my brother. [Laughing] - [Laughing]" ""I love you." ""And yet I feel a great sadness..." "[Laughing] in my bosom."" ""Bosom." Wait." "Wait, there's more." "I think that's terrible." "A man opens his heart and you make fun of him." "[Muffled Laugh]" " [Laughing Continues] - "Neighbors forever..." Oh, no!" "[Laughing] "Ned Flanders."" "What a sap!" "Read the "bosom" part again, Dad." "[Bart, Lisa Laughing]" " Now, just a minute!" " Bosom." " Bart!" " Huh?" "I wish this family was as close as the Flanders." "Okay." "Okay." "All right, all right." "She's right." "Let's do something together." "What does everyone say to some miniature golf, followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes?" " All right!" " I was going to wash my hair." "And I'm studying for the math fair." "If I win, I'll bring home a brand-new protractor." "Too bad we don't live on a farm." "Let's go, boy." "Fore!" "[Clattering]" " [Chuckling]" " But I got it in the middle." " Doh!" "That was just a practice shot, boy." " Play it where it lays." "Hey, there's Homer Simpson." "Oh, what a perfect opportunity to follow up on my letter." "Aw, give up, Home-boy." "There's a six-stroke limit." "I know, I know." "I can still make this for five." "Come on, baby." "Please, please go in." "Please." " Doh!" "[Making Ape Sounds] - [Laughing]" "Hi, Simpson." "Having fun?" "Flanders!" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, just playing a little mini-golf with the Todd-meister." " Hi, Bart!" " Get bent." "Now that we're all friends again, why don't we make a foursome?" " That sounds great." " Well, okay." " This will be fun." "You looked like you were having a little trouble there." "That shot is impossible." "Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it." "It is difficult, Mr. Simpson." "The best strategy is to play conservatively." "Hug the rail." "It won't go in, but you set yourself up for an easy deuce." "Oh, well." "Huh." "It went in." " Good shot, Toddsky." " Luck." "Final score:" "Bart, 41." "Homer..." "Let's see." "Six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus..." " Never mind!" " Hey, look!" "Wow!" "First prize, $50!" "Wow!" "Free balloons for everyone who enters!" "So, my little Bartley, thinking of entering the tournament?" "Yeah, he's entering, and what's more, he's going to win." " Aren't you, boy?" " I guess it's possible." "Hey, I like that confidence." "But I hope you're not putting too much pressure on the boy." " My Todd's awfully good." " Oh, yeah?" "Well, I think the fruit of my loins... can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week." " Come on, boy!" " [Grunts]" " But, Dad, I've never won anything in my life." " [Slurping]" "Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this." "It is not okay to lose." "Stay." "Stay." " Good dog." "Now, keep your head down." " [Whining]" "Doh!" "Not you!" "I'm talking to the boy." "Keep your head down." "Follow through." "Okay, that didn't work." "This time move your head and don't follow through." " Oh, man." " [Both Groaning]" "What are you doing?" "That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player, what a violin is to the..." "the guy that... the violin guy." " Now, come on." "Give your putter a name." " What?" " Come on." "Give it a name." " Mr. Putter." "Doh!" "You wanna try a little harder, son?" " Come on." "Give it a girl's name." " Mom." " Your putter's name is Charlene." " Why?" "It just is, that's why." "Now, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders." "Every day I want you to spend 15 minutes staring at it... and concentrating on how much you hate him... and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him." " Who's Charlene?" " I'll show you who Charlene is!" " Now start hating!" " [Growling]" "[Growling Continues] Aw." "Hi, Bart." "Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind." " And?" " I'm worried that you're making too big a deal... of this silly little kiddie golf tournament." "But, Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses." "I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?" "Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself... is by making someone else look bad." "And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves." "[Groans]" "[Groaning]" " Hi, Bart. What are you doing?" " Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?" "Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn." "Right." "I am a pawn." "Mmm, I know." "It's times like this that I'm thankful..." "Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do." "Bart, I think I can help you." "Ourjourney begins here at the library." " Hi, Lisa." " Hi, Mrs. Norton." " Hi, Lisa." " Hi, Ralph." " [Together] Hi, Lisa." " Hey, gang." "Okay, Bart. This is the card catalog." "Let's see. "Golf." ""Anecdotes, Eisenhower And, Fashion," "Humor, Japanese Obsession With..."" "Ah, here it is... putting." "And finally, the most important book of all, the Tao-te Ching, by Lao-Tzu." " Lisa, we can't afford all these books." " We're just gonna borrow them." "Ah." "[Chuckles] Gotcha." " [Lisa] I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind." " [Bart] Okay." " Embrace nothingness." " You got it." " Become like an uncarved stone." " Done." " Bart!" "You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about." " True." " Well, it's very frustrating." " I'll bet." "Bart, I have a riddle for you." "What's the sound of one hand clapping?" "Piece of cake." "No, Bart. It's a 3,000-year-old riddle with no answer." "It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought." "No answer?" "Lisa, listen up." "[Tapping Sound]" "[Scoffs] Let's try another one." "If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound?" "Absolutely." "[Imitating Tree Falling]" " [Crashing Sound]" " But, Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it?" " [Wind Whistling]" " Whoo!" "It is time." "The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry." "All you have to do is hit the ball here." "I can't believe it." "You've actually found a practical use for geometry." "[Grunts]" "Bart, what are you doing?" " Get down from there before the neighbors see..." " Hey, Simpson." "Doh!" "Flanders, I don't care what this looks like." "Bart's gonna mop the floor with your son's ugly butt!" "[Chuckles] Well, sir, may the best man win." "Ah, "May the best man win."" " The mating call of the loser." " Just a minute, Simpson." "I think my son has a very good chance." " Oh, yeah?" "Wanna bet?" " [Stammering] I'm not a betting man." " [Clucking]" " Oh, I'm a chicken, am I?" " That's right." " All right." "How's this for a wager?" "A-A-A batch of your wife's delicious blueberry muffins... against o-one of my wife's homemade wind chimes." "[Laughs] What, are you afraid to make a real bet?" " No, I just..." " [Clucking]" "You know, Simpson, you're starting to annoy me." "How about this, Henny Penny?" "If Bart wins tomorrow, you have to mow my lawn." "All right." "And ifTodd wins," " You have to mow my lawn!" " You're on." "And do a decent job of it for a change!" "Better yet, you have to mow my lawn in your wife's Sunday dress!" "You have yourself a bet, you... jackaninny!" " Read that back to me, Marge." " "The father of the loser mows the lawn..."" "Hey, just a minute." ""Loser" is such a harsh word." " Couldn't we just say "the boy who doesn't win"?" " Oh, man." "Fine!" ""The father of the boy who doesn't win... has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress."" " There you go." " I suppose you both have to sign this." "I hope blood won't be necessary." "I'm game if you are, Flanders." "[Sighs] Good gravy, what have I done?" "Keep your left arm straight, Bart." " Rotate your shoulders." " [Together] Dad!" "Look, son, all I'm asking is that you try." " Okay, I'll try." " Anybody can try!" "I want you to win!" " [Clangs] - [Screams]" " Homer?" " Marge, give me your honest opinion." " This or this?" " [Groans]" "[Moans]" " [Screams]" " Good morning, son." "Oh, by the way, today's the day of the big tournament." "And you'd better win!" " Dad!" " See you downstairs, boy." "[Chuckling] That crazy Marmaduke." " Eighth hole." " Aim for the octopus' third tentacle." " Twelfth hole." " Bank it off the pink tombstone." " Nirvana." " State of bliss attained through the extinction of the self." "Here you go, Bart. A lumberjack's breakfast for my little golfer." "Mom, Bart is on a strict diet of complex carbohydrates." "Steak will make him logy." "Oh." "Well, what won't make him logy?" " Oatmeal." " Oatmeal?" "Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats... before he or she wins the Kentucky Derby." "News flash, Lisa." "Bart is not a horse." "Eat your steak, boy." "[Commentator On P.A.] Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the finale... of what has already been a stirring afternoon of miniature golf." "The cream has risen, the wheat has bid farewell to the chaff, and now we approach the championship match with but two warriors remaining:" "the heretofore unknown Bart Simpson... and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled ten-year-olds... to ever take back the blade." "Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself," "I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here it goes." " I believe in you." " Thanks, man." "Dear Lord, we beseech Thee..." "Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying." "I already did the same thing, and we can't both win." "Actually, Simp-son, we were praying that no one gets hurt." "Oh, well, Flan-ders, it doesn't matter." " This time tomorrow you'll be wearing high heels." " Nope." "You will." " 'Fraid not. 'Fraid not." " 'Fraid so. 'Fraid so." " 'Fraid not, infinity." " 'Fraid so, infinity plus one." " Doh!" "[Commentator] Young Flanders has the honor and will tee off first." " It's got a chance." "Yes, sir!" " [Onlookers Gasp]" "Oh, man." "[Sighs]" "Tree falling in the woods." "Tree falling in the woods." " Tree falling in..." " [Wind Whistling]" "[Onlookers Gasp]" "[Commentator] And the battle is well and truly joined." " Whoo-hoo-hoo!" " Mercy is for the weak, Todd!" "[Gasps] Yeah!" "[Chuckles]" "Yeah!" "Doh!" "[Commentator] If one were to look up "courage" in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very well come upon a photo of these two gladiators." "They approach the final hole in the shadow of the great emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes on the happy side of par." "Soon, one man will emerge triumphant." "He will drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in this oft cruel game." "[Onlookers Gasping]" "It's okay, son." "You can recover." "Come on, Bart. Remember what Vince Lombardi said:" ""If you lose, you're out of the family."" " Homer!" " Ow!" " [Onlookers Murmuring] - [Grunts]" " [Gasps] - [Gasps]" " [Gasps] - [Gasps]" " Whew!" " Whew!" "Neither man showing his best form." "This sort of pressure can unhinge even the steeliest of competitors." "This is pretty intense, isn't it, Todd?" "Yeah." "My knees are shaking." "I got butterflies in my stomach, but I guess this builds character." "Who wants to build character?" "Let's quit." "Okay." "We decided we're equally good." "We wanna call it a draw, man." " [Together] Hmm." " Highly..." "[Whirring]" " Ladies and gentlemen, we have a draw!" " [Gasping, Murmuring]" "Forgive an old Brit for crying, but this is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship... since Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs." " Put her there, man!" " Yeah!" "All right!" "[Applause]" "Well, Homer, our kids showed us something today, huh?" "By working together, we can both be winners. [Chuckling]" "Thank heaven neither of us has to go through with that silly wager." " Put her there, pal." " Oh, so you're gonna welch on our bet." "What are you talking about?" "Neither boy lost." "I got it right here in writing. "The father of the boy who doesn't win... has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress."" "Yeah, but neither..." "I mean, we're both..." "I mean, you have to do it too." "It's a small price to pay to see you humiliate yourself." "[Hooting, Whistling]" "[Laughing]" "[Groaning] My best dress." "Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?" "Listen to them laughing." "[Grunts]" "This is so humiliating." "I'm never gonna live this down." "Damn Flanders." "[Chuckling] You know, Simpson, I feel kind of silly, but what the hey, you know?" " It kind of reminds me of my good old fraternity days." " Doh!" "Oh, my God, he's enjoying it!" " [Hooting, Laughing Continue] - [Horn Honks]" " [Chattering]" " Shh!" "[Bell Ringing]" "[Whistle Blows]" "[Beeping]" "[Jazz]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Horn Honking]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Shouting Gibberish]" "[Humming]" "[Muffled Shouting]" "Bart!" "Stop fighting with your sister!" " She took my glue!" " Uh!" "It's not yours, Bart!" "This is family glue!" "Stop it, you two!" "This is Thanksgiving!" "So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away... and then no one will have any glue to glue with!" "Dad, this isn't about glue." "It's about territoriality." "He only wants the glue because I'm usin' it." " Oh, yeah?" "Prove it." " Here." "Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue." "[Announcer] Uh-oh, here comes our friend Bullwinkle J. Moose." "[Chuckles] Bullwinkle's antler's sprung a leak." "Uh-oh!" "Looks like Bullwinkle's got a taste of his own medicine." " [Laughs] He certainly did, Bill." " Wait." "What did I..." " Did what I say make sense?" " Well, no, not really, Bill." " Boy, now I know how the Pilgrims felt." " What are you talking about?" " Who the hell is that?" " Bullwinkle." "Who?" "Wait a minute." "Who's that?" "Underdog." "Don't you know anything?" "It wouldn't hurt 'em to use some cartoons made in the last 50 years." "Son, this is a tradition." "If you start building a balloon... for every flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'd turn the parade into a farce." "[Electricity Buzzing]" "Maggie, I'm about to unveil my centerpiece to the family." "It's a tribute to the trailblazing women who made our country great." "See?" "There's Georgia O'Keeffe, Susan B. Anthony." "And this is Marjorie Stoneman Douglas." "I'm sure you haven't heard of her, but she worked her whole life to preserve the Florida Everglades." "As one of the Simpson women, would you like to contribute something to it?" "Oh, thank you." " [Humming] - [Grunts]" " Honey, please." "You're in the way." " Can't I help you, Mom?" "Well, okay." "Let's see." "Can you do the cranberry sauce?" "Yeah!" "Where is it?" " The can is in the cupboard on the bottom shelf." " Here?" " No, no, no." "The other shelf." " Oh, got it!" "Now what?" " Open the can." " No problemo." "Where's the can opener?" "It's in the second drawer from the right." " No, no, no, no." "The other one." " Oh, I gotcha." "It's broken, Mom." "Mom, it's broken." "Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken" "Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken" "I don't think that it's broken, honey." "Here, let me try." " [Can Opens]" " Mmm, there you go!" "Ah, cranberry sauce a la Bart." "Just stick it in the refrigerator when you're done, Bart." "Bart?" "[Sighs]" "See, Maggie?" "Those silver and blue guys... are the Dallas Cowboys." "They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants 'em to lose by less than five and a half points, understand?" "Oh, Kogen's got Wolodarsky open way downfield, and it's complete!" " Ooh, what a hit!" " Oh, yeah, he's out cold, Gil." "Yes, sir." "Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube." "Hope they can fit a turkey in there." " Get on with it, Gil." " Homer, shouldn't you go pick up Grampa?" " Halftime, Marge." "Halftime!" " [Knock At Door]" " [Patty] Ding-dong!" " [Selma] Here comes the cavalry." " Doh!" " Homer, you promised to be nice to my sisters." "I know." "I will." " You brought food." " Just a few things." " Swedish meatballs." " Mm-hmm, and my trout almondine." "You knew that I was cooking a turkey!" " Which is fine." " More power to ya." " It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry." " Mm-hmm." "And if they want an option, they'll have it." " Hmm!" " Hi, Patty." " Mwah!" " [Groans]" " Hi, Selma." "Mwah." " [Groans]" "Well, it's good to see ya." "Well, gotta pick up my old man." "Bye!" " So insincere." " I don't know how she puts up with him." "[Grumbling, Imitating Patty and Selma]" " [Station Tuning] - [Announcer] And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of Hooray For Everything!" "Oh, I love those kids!" "They've got such a great attitude." "Ladies and gentlemen, Hooray For Everything invites you... to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth... the Western Hemisphere!" "The dancing'est hemisphere of all!" " # [Funk] - # [Group Scatting]" "# Dancing, dancing, dancing #" " [Scatting Continues] - [Radio Shuts Off]" " [Throats Clearing]" " Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree," " [Coughing]" " I have some happy news." "The following people have relatives who wish they could be here today:" "Antonowski, Conroy, Falcone," "Martin, Thorsen and Walsh." " [Fax Machine Beeps]" " Oh!" "And, uh, Mrs. Spencer, you too." "Oh, I knew they wouldn't forget me." "Come on, Dad." "Let's get out of here." " Slow down, boy." "What's your hurry?" " This place is depressing." " Hey, I live here!" " Oh, well." "I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it." "Let's go." "Mom, you made it!" " How are you?" " I have laryngitis, and it hurts to talk." "So I'll just stay one thing:" "You never do anything right." "[Blows]" "# [TV:" "Scatting Continues]" "Dancing, dancing, dancing" " [Boy] Thank you!" " [Girl] You're super!" " Be good to each other!" " [Announcer] And the Silverdome... now ablaze with flashbulbs as Hooray For Everything leaves the field!" "Of course, the stadium's much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care!" "[Grunting]" "That's no way to light a fire!" "Where's your kindling?" "This thing's gonna be roaring anytime now." " Even a caveman could start a fire." " Doh!" "[Marge] Dinner!" "Dinnertime, everybody." " Dinner!" " The hell with this!" "[Humming] Okay, Lisa." "We're ready for your centerpiece." "[Marge Gasping] Lisa!" "My goodness!" "That's very impressive!" "Holy moly, that's the biggest... one of those I ever saw!" "Mmm, I always said she was gifted." "Definitely from our side of the family, right, Mom?" " Leave me alone." " How long did that take you, honey?" "I couldn't tell you how many hours." "It was a labor of love." "It's my homage to some American heroes... who may not have fought in any wars, but who nevertheless..." " [Humming Fanfare] - [Gasping]" "Speaking of heroes, here's mine." " Tom Turkey!" "[Chuckling] - [Whirring]" "Ooh, yikes!" "What is that?" " It's the centerpiece, Bart." " Well, it's taking up valuable real estate." " Hey, Bart, stop it!" " Move it or lose it, toots!" " Mom!" " Now just a minute." "I'm sure there's room for both." "[Grunting]" "Bart, you're wrecking' it!" "Let go!" "I worked forever on this!" "Ooh!" "[Screaming]" " Hey, that got her goin'!" " Bitchin'!" " Bart!" " [Bart Grunts]" "You don't even care!" "You don't even care!" "[Grunting]" "[Crying]" " [Door Closes]" " All right, Bart!" "That's it!" "Go to your room now!" "Okay." "I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes." " I said now!" " Mom, do I have to?" "Yes, you do!" "I hope you're happy, Bart!" "You've ruined Thanksgiving!" "[Bart] I didn't ruin Thanksgiving." "She did." "Bunch ofjerks." "I always get blamed for everything." "And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream." "Anyway, we'd like to thank You for the occasional moments... of peace and love our family's experienced." "Well, not today." "You saw what happened!" "Oh, Lord, be honest!" "Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what?" "[All Together] Amen." " Worst prayer yet." " # [Saxophone]" " Doh!" " Mmm, why don't I go talk to the children?" "Don't worry." "Marge'll fix everything." "Honey, your food is getting cold." "[Sobbing] That's all right." "Lisa, I'm very sorry about what happened." "Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece." " Things like that always happen in this family." " I've noticed that too." "Well, when you feel like coming down, we'll be there." "[Continues]" "Bart, you can come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister." "And it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it." "Apologize?" "For what?" "Clearin' the table?" "Havin' a sense of humor?" "They think they can starve an apology out of me?" "Ha!" "Uh-oh." "I mean... good!" " [Grunting] - [Homer] Hey, what are you doing?" " No!" "Drop that drumstick!" " [Dog Barking, Growling]" "Bad dog!" "Bad Santa's Little Helper!" "Come on!" "Give me that!" "Give me that!" "Doh!" " Okay, out you go!" " [Whimpering]" "Hey, boy, come here." "You're a good dog." "Come on." "We don't need them to get a Thanksgiving dinner." "[Barking]" "Wow!" "Swanky!" "# [Classical]" "Mmm, delicious!" "Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulence." "Oh, thank you, sir." "Oh!" "Would you like some candied yams?" "Oh, no." "I couldn't eat another bite." "Dispose of all this." "I did, however, save room... for your special pumpkin pie." "It's cooling on the windowsill, sir." "Mmm!" "Stay here, boy." "[Whimpers]" "[Bird Squawking]" " [Alarm Beeping]" " Uh-oh!" "[Alarm Blaring]" "[Whirring, Beeping]" "Mr. Burns, this is base command." " The intruder appears to be a young male, age nine to eleven." " Release the hounds." "[Dogs Barking]" "[Gasps, Screams]" "[Grunting]" "[Growling]" "[Lisa Thinking] I saw the best meals of my generation... destroyed by the madness of my brother... my soul carved in slices... by spiky-haired demons." "[Whimpers]" "Don't worry, boy." "We'll get some grub, even if we have to pay for it." " [Stomach Growls] - [Growls]" "[Gunfire, Screaming, Horns Honking]" "Cool!" "The wrong side of the tracks." "[Gunshots, Sirens]" "Twelve bucks!" "Hey, I can bleed." "[Woman] Hey, you've gotta be 18 to sell your blood." " Let's see some I.D. - [Bart] Here you go, doll face." " Hmm." "Okay, Homer." "Just relax." " Ow!" "At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing:" "I'm sorry I came." " When is that boy going to apologize?" " He sure is stubborn." "Homer was never stubborn." "He always folded instantly over anything." "It was as if he had no will of his own." " Isn't that true, Homer?" " Yes, Dad." "Twelve bucks and a free cookie." "What a country!" "[Siren Wailing]" " Cute little guy." " He's startin' to come around." " You look a little pale, son." " We'd better get you some food." "Here we are." "All right!" "Twelve big ones and free grub to boot!" "Viva skid row!" "Hey, it's that anchor dude from channel six!" "Oh, yeah." "He's doing one of those "be thankful for what you got" stories." "Oh, we have lots of names for these people... bums, deadbeats, losers, scums of the earth." "We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter... or, if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way place." "Oh, we have our reasons... they're depressing, they wear ragged clothes, they're "crazy," they smell bad..." " Hey, listen, man..." " Wait, I'm going somewhere with this." "So, every year, on one lone, conscience-salving day, we toss these people... a bone." "A turkey bone." "And that's supposed to make it all better." "No, you won't find Freddie the Freeloader or Emmet Kelly... or even Charlie Chaplin's beloved Little Tramp down here." "Pompous, blow-dried college boy!" " You know, his girlfriend is the weather lady." " You don't say!" "Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written." " Sounds interesting." " Oh, okay." "[Clears Throat] "'Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson." "[Clears Throat] I saw the best meals..."" " [Gasps] It's Bart!" " What show is this?" " And how long have you been on the streets?" " Goin' on five years, Kent." "Your family might be watching." "Is there anything you'd like to say to them?" "Yes, there is, Kent." "Ha, ha!" "I didn't apologize." "Oh, no!" "My sweet little Bart!" "Hello, operator!" "Give me the number for 9-1-1!" "Hey, thanks for your help, fellas." " This reporter smells another local Emmy." " [Tires Screeching]" "Yeah, we're rootin' for you, guy." "Hey, you got someplace to sleep tonight, Bart?" "Yeah, there's this family I kind of hang out with." " Sounds pretty sweet." " Yeah, I guess it is." "See you at Christmas." "Uh, listen, guys." "I was thinkin', um..." "Unless you feel weird about takin' money from a kid, I thought, maybe..." " I wouldn't feel weird, would you?" " No, I'm comfortable with it." "Will you forget the report?" "He's down at the rescue mission." " We checked." "He's long gone." " Can you think of any reason he might have run away?" " Anything at all?" " Well, we did kind of yell at him... and sent him to his room... and tried to force him to apologize to his sister." " Uh-huh." " And..." "I said he ruined Thanksgiving." "Oh." "I see." "Best Thanksgiving ever, eh, boy?" "Good-bye." "Sorry." "I'm sure Bart will be back." "I would say something comforting, but, you know, my voice." "Let's go!" "If I'm not back at the home by 9:00, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!" "Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened." " But we can't blame ourselves." " We can and will!" "Children need discipline." "You can ask any syndicated advice columnist." "Marge, are we ever gonna see him again?" "Hmm." "Should I or shouldn't I?" " Hey, everybody, I'm home." " Bart, you're home!" "Oh, my special little guy!" "We were so worried!" "Oh, it's great to have you back, boy." "We were afraid we'd lost you!" "Welcome back, Bart!" "I'm sorry we had such a terrible fight." "Bart, isn't there something you'd like to say to your sister?" "Okay, I'm sorry too." "No, no, no!" "That won't do at all!" "Yeah, boy." "Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness!" "Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me!" "Lisa, I beg of you." "Please forgive me!" "[Evil Laughter]" "[Marge] Now we can blame him for everything!" " It's your fault I'm bald!" " I'm sorry." " It's your fault I'm old!" " I'm sorry." " It's your fault I can't talk!" " I'm sorry!" " It's your fault America has lost its way." " I'm sorry." " [Chanting] It's all your fault!" " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " [Chanting Continues]" " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, all right..." "sorry I came back here!" "Aha!" "[Grunting]" "Whoa!" "My Wiffle balls, my Frisbees, my water rockets!" "[Gasps] I hit the jackpot!" "A sellout crowd at the Super Bowl, Simpson down by six with two seconds left!" "Simpson fades back." "He's got Simpson in the open." "[Imitating Cheering Crowd] Touchdown, Simpson!" "The boy nobody wanted just won the Super Bowl!" "[Lisa's Thinking] Dear Log, my brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault... because I failed to take his abuse with good humor." "I miss him so much already... that I don't... know..." " [Lisa Crying]" " Hey, Lis." "Lisa." " It's me..." "Bart!" " [Sniffles] Bart?" " Where are you?" " Shh!" "I'm on the roof!" "[Grunting]" "Bart, what are you doing up here?" "Everybody's worried." " Really?" "Did they cry?" " Yes." " Whoa, bull's-eye." " Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?" "Aw, come on." "Was it because you hate me or because you're bad?" "I don't know." "I don't know why I did it!" "I don't know why I enjoyed it!" "And I don't know why I'll do it again!" " Just tell me you're sorry!" " Why should I?" "Bart, the only reason to apologize... is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings." " Leave me alone." " Just look!" "Okay, okay." "[Humming]" "Lookin' for the spot." "Still checking." "Oh, this is so stupid." "I'm not gonna find anything." "Just because I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr..." "Uh-oh." "I'm sorry, Lisa." "Apology accepted." "You know, Marge, we're great parents." "O Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family one more crack at togetherness." "[Together] Amen." "[Burps]" " [Chattering]" " Shh!" "[Bell Ringing]" "[Whistle Blows]" "[Beeping]" "[Jazz]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Horn Honking]" "[Tires Screeching]" "[Tires Screeching]" "Live from the Springfield Center For the Performing Arts, the wrestling match of the century!" " Today, Rasputin, the Friendly Russian..." " [Growls]" " Didn't he used to be the Mad Russian?" " Yes." "But I'm afraid the forces of history have changed wrestling, perhaps forever." "And the challenger from the University of Heidelberg, Professor Werner von Brawn." "That's Brawn with a "W."" "Two titans at the height of their careers." "If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match." "Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously." "Even a five-year-old knows this is as choreographed as any ballet." "Rasputin's got the reach." "But, on the other hand, the professor's got his patented coma lock." "If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match." "Oh, look at that show-off, kissing his own muscles." " Boo!" " Boo!" "[Burps]" "Rasputin is spinning the professor like an auto gyro." "That's got to be disorienting." "Hey, Milhouse, crank it up." "[Volume Increases]" " Hey, that's my seat!" " Correction, was your seat." "But I only got up to go to the can." "I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool." "[Kids] One, two, three, four, five, six..." "[Together] Seven, eight, nine..." "[Announcer] The referee's issuing a warning to Rasputin." "[Crowd Booing]" "[Announcer] Oh, my!" "Oh, my!" "Why is the referee permitting this?" " Out!" " [Bell Clangs, Crowd Boos]" " Boo!" "Boo!" " Boo!" "Boo!" " Boo!" "Boo!" " Boo!" "Boo!" "This Saturday, for one night only, your life will be changed forever." "Saturday!" "Saturday!" "Saturday at the Springfield Speedway!" "Speedway, Speedway!" "Don "Crusher" Woodard, John "The Skunk" Trumane... and the Team Tomomatsu Dirt Riding Dunk Masters... in the year's biggest Monster Truck Rally!" "One night only." "Plus, the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable Truckasaurus!" "Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing... prehistoric insanity!" " [Together] Whoa!" " One night only." "One night only." "One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday." "If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail." "And if you're in jail, break out!" "[Echoing] Be there!" "[Engine Revving, Tires Squealing]" "[Together] Truckasaurus!" "[Clanging]" "I have an announcement to make." "As a family growth thing, Bart and I think... we should all go to the Monster Truck Rally this Saturday." " Aren't you forgetting something?" " Uh..." "Monster Truck Rally, growth thing." " No, I don't think so." " Lisa's recital is Saturday night." "I'll be playing my first solo." "If you miss it on Saturday, I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday." "But Truckasaurus is one night only!" "O cruel Fate, why do you mock me?" " [Sobbing] - [Sobbing]" "Now, come on, you two." "What time does your little truck game start?" "8:00, but what does it matter?" "Well, Lisa's recital starts at 5:00." "We can go to both." "Marge, you're a genius!" "People, let's have good assembly manners, please, hmm?" " People!" "People!" " [All Chattering, Orchestra Tuning]" "Quiet down now, please." "Don't make me flick the lights on and off." "Thank you." "Ladies, gentlemen, parents and music lovers, welcome to the first in a series of Saturday evening concerts." "Series?" "[Groans]" "Tonight, Sherbert's..." "[Chuckling]" "Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony."" " Oh, good, unfinished." "This shouldn't take long." " [Groans]" "Remember, children, stay together." "Five, six, seven, eight." " That was beautiful!" " # [Continues]" " Can we go now?" "[Groans]" " Sit down, Homer." "[Cadence]" "How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk?" " # [Ends]" " Oh, my!" "Lisa was wonderful." " She certainly has come a long way with her fingering." " Thanks, Flanders." " Big know-it-all." " When's Todd's solo, Dad?" "Shh!" "It's coming up, son." "It's coming up." "# [Virtuoso Violin Solo]" " # [Continues] - [Sobbing]" "My son." "My son." "Come on, Flanders." "He's not that bad." "["1812 Overture"]" "# [Cadence]" " [Ends] - [Audience Cheering, Applauding]" "[Humming "1812 Overture"]" " [Honks Twice] - # [Continues]" " [Honks Twice]" " I reached him." "[Marge] Homer, drive defensively." " Sometimes the best defense is a good offense." " Faster, Dad." "Truckasaurus awaits." "[Homer] Damn!" "No spots!" "Ooh, I think there's one over there." " Dad?" " Not now, Lisa!" "Oh, come on!" " Homer." " [Homer] What?" " Truckasaurus!" " Where?" "Where?" "[Screaming]" "[Growling]" "[All Screaming]" "Pull!" "Pull, you dogs!" " [Grunting] Come on." " Well, let's see here." "Cracked windshield, melted bumpers, punctured radiator, teeth marks in the trunk." "On the plus side, there doesn't seem to be any frame damage." " This check should take care of everything." " Thank you so much." "Mrs. Simpson?" "I'm Leo G. Clark, inventor, owner and operator ofTruckasaurus." "Let me just say that, well, Truckasaurus feels very badly... about what happened, and everyone here at Team Truckasaurus... would like you to enjoy this half-bottle of champagne for being such good sports." "Mmm!" "Well, thank you." "Gee, everyone's so nice here at the Monster Truck Rally." "Look, Homer, champagne!" "[All Grunting] Ahh!" " [Announcer] And now," " Cool, man!" "Majestic Mud Pulling is proud to present Ms. Monster." "[Crowd] Ooh-whee!" "Yah!" "Wow, a woman mud-pull driver." "Another barrier broken." "Right on, sister!" "Let the destruction begin!" "Hey, they forgot my corn dog!" " Give me some nachos, Homersaurus." " Here you go, Bartasaurus." "[Both Laughing]" "[Announcer] For our last event of the evening, we have a special surprise guest:" "the world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger." " # [Drumroll]" " If he's not in action, he's in traction." " Captain Lance Murdock!" " [Crowd Cheering]" " [Cheering, Applause]" " Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children," "I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death." "Tonight, my most dangerous stunt:" "I will death-defy both nature and gravity... by leaping' over this tank of water... filled with man-eatin' great white sharks," " Deadly electric eels, - [Electricity Crackles] ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators... and, perhaps most frightening of all," " The king of the jungle, one ferocious lion!" " [Roars]" " [All Gasp]" " And..." "Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]" "I almost forgot." "To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood." "[Audience Gasps, Screams]" "On the chance I don't survive, let me just say, seatbelts save lives, so buckle up!" "[Growling]" "This is so cool." "[Engine Idling]" " Oh, I can't watch!" " [Engine Revving]" " He made it!" " [All] Yea!" "[Crowd Cheering]" "[Crowd Gasping]" " [Growls]" " Bitchin'." "[Groaning]" " [Announcer] He's okay, folks." " [Crowd Cheering]" "[Grunts]" "What a fun-filled evening." " # [Drumroll] - [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year-old who's brave and bold." "When he's not in class, he's risking his ass." "The world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!" "[All] Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" "Bart!" " Bart?" "Bart?" "We're home, son." " Huh?" " Dad, I wanna be a daredevil." " [Chuckling]" "Kids say such stupid things." " You're crazy, Bart." " You're never gonna make it." "Spare me your lectures, ladies." " Aah!" " [All Gasp]" "Oof!" " Oh, no, he's hurt!" " Bad!" " Let's get outta here!" "Oh, my little boy!" "[Kissing]" " Come on, Marge." "We're mad at him." " Are you all right?" " Better than all right." "I got stitches!" " Eww!" " Probably a scar too." " Mrs. Simpson," "Bart tells me he injured himself training for a career in death defiance?" "Yes." "Well, we saw a daredevil last night." "And, well, you know, monkey see, monkey do." "Hmm, I think I know something that might discourage him from this sort of behavior." "Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt... by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies and the legitimate stage." "This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman." "This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TVwrestling match." "I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward." "I never realized TVwas such a dangerous influence." "Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment." "Amen!" "Well, Bart, has Dr. Hibbert made his point?" "He certainly has, Dad." "I learned a real lesson here today." " Thank you, Dr. Hibbert." " Hmm." "[Grunts]" " I did it." " Wow!" " All right!" "Cool!" "Way happening:" "Bart!" " Awesome!" " Oh, man, you're the king!" "Thank you." "How about a hand for these brave little animals!" "[Whines]" " [Children Cheering]" " Uh-huh." "Huh?" "Oh." "Hi, kids." "Thanks!" "Okay, field trippers, off the bus." "What's the matter, Bart?" "I'm running on empty, Milhouse." "You kids get a kick out of my jumps, and I love you for it, but it's all too easy." "There has got to be a challenge out there worthy of me." "Hello, children, and welcome to Springfield Gorge." "[Bart] Wow!" "Man, this thing's pretty gnarly." "I bet you could throw a dead body in there and no one would ever find it." "Otto, I'm gonna leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard." "Huh." "You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something." " What?" " Cool!" "[Wind Whistling]" "# [Otto Humming Guitar Riff]" " [Continues]" " Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone?" "[Stops] Sorry, Bart, dude." "It's for emergencies only." " [Resumes Humming]" " But I wanna tell 'em about my jump." "Oh." "Okay." "May I have your attention, please?" "This Saturday, I'll be jumping over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard." "There is a good possibility I will plunge to my bloody death." "Hope to see you there." "Thank you." "Springfield Gorge?" " Bart, you'll be killed!" " Lisa," "I don't know how to explain this, but I get the same thrill out of jumping over stuff... that you do from... reading." "Please, before you do anything, there's someone I'd like you to talk to." "Thank you for arranging this, Dr. Hibbert." "Anything I can do to stem the tide of entertainment-related injury." "Now, children, you're about to meet... the world's greatest daredevil, Lance Murdock." " Lance, this is Lisa and Bart Simpson." " [Moaning]" " Bart is one of your biggest fans." " It's an honor, Lance." " How you feeling?" " Uh..." "Uh..." " [Bone Cracks]" " Ow!" "Doc, I heard a snap." "Hmm, I'm afraid the bone's broken." "Well, that's all of them." " [Gasps]" " Don't worry." "I've broken that thumb dozens of times." "Hey, I'll bet you'd like an autograph." "Nurse!" "[Kissing]" " Who should I make this out to?" " Just Bart will be fine, sir." "To Bart. Thanks for visiting me... at Springfield General Hospital." "Your visit was a ray of sunshine... on an otherwise cloudy day." "Your pal," "Captain Lance Murdock." "Wow, man." "Thanks, Lance." "You're welcome, son." "Nurse, take this thing out of my mouth now." "Mr. Murdock, my brother's thinking about... jumping Springfield Gorge on his skateboard." "Could you leave me with the young 'uns, please?" "Now, let me start by sayin', good for you, son." "It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger." "Now, a lot of people are gonna be telling you you're crazy." "And maybe they're right, but the fact of the matter is, bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has... the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world." " But, Captain Murdock..." " Thanks, Lance!" "You're welcome, little partner." "On your way out, tell the nurse I'm ready for my sponge bath." "Another fringe benefit." "Nurse!" "[Kissing]" "Springfield Gorge?" "I thought we'd settled this daredevil junk!" " Squealer." " I'm sorry, Bart." "But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you." "Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge." " You can't." " I can and do!" "Go to your room, Bart!" "There, I've done it." "I'm glad somebody finally stepped in... and put an end to this nonsense once and for all." "You can tell me not to do it, but there's no way you can watch me 24 hours a day." "The minute your back is turned, I'm grabbing my skateboard and heading for that gorge." "He's got us, Marge." "There's nothing we can do." "He's as good as dead." "[Sobbing]" "You're his father." "You've got to try and reason with him." "No, that never works." "He's a goner!" "Come on, Homer." "A heart-to-heart talk with your son." "You've got to try." "Okay, okay, I'll try." " Bart?" "Bart?" "Bart!" "What are you doing?" " Uh, nothing." " You were on the way to jump the gorge, weren't you?" " Maybe." "Look." "I know I can't stop you." "The only thing I can do is ask you to promise me you won't jump the gorge." " Okay, I promise." " Doh!" " What's the matter?" " You didn't mean that!" "This isn't one of those phony baloney promises I don't expect you to keep." " If you make this promise, you have to keep it." " Why?" "'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say..." " Ever again." " Aw, come on." " I mean it, boy." " Well, okay, Dad, I promise." "I will not jump Springfield Gorge." "That's my boy." " How'd it go?" " You know, Marge, we got a pretty good kid there." " Well, he's got a pretty good father." " [Chuckles]" " [Chattering] - [Wind Howling]" "Where is he?" "I thought he said noon." " He's just doing this to build the suspense." " Whoa, what a showman." "Look!" "There he is!" "Hey, boy, wanna toss the old..." "Oh!" "Why, that little liar!" "I should've..." "I was gonna play pickle with him." " Come on, Bart!" " [Cheering]" "Ooh!" "[Cheering]" "[Car Approaching]" " [Tires Screech]" " Bart!" "Oh!" "[Panting]" " [Both Grunting] - [All] Boo!" " Boo!" " Hey, what gives?" "Boy, I tried ordering you." "I tried punishing you." "And, God help me, I even tried reasoning with you." "And the only thing left for me to do is jump the gorge myself." " Uh..." "What?" "Why?" " Because that way you'll see what it's like... to witness a family member stupidly risking his life for no good reason." "But, Dad, you'll never make it." "Don't you think I know that?" " Good-bye, son." " Wait, Dad!" "Don't do it!" "I won't jump anymore." "I promise." "Oh-oh-oh!" "Oh, thank God!" "Thank God, thank God!" " I love you, Dad!" " I love you, too, son." "You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you... as I do right..." "Huh?" "[Gasping]" "Aah!" " [Gasps] - [All] Ooh!" "I'm gonna make it." "I'm gonna make it!" "This is the greatest thrill of my life." "I'm king of the world!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Whoo-hoo!" "I..." "Aah!" "Oof!" "Ow, ow!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "Eee!" "Ow!" "Oh!" "Doh!" "Doh!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ooh!" "[Pants, Sighs] Ow!" "[Muffled Grunting]" "[Siren Wailing]" "Aah!" "Oof!" "Ow, ow!" "Ah!" "Doh!" "Ah!" "Ow!" "Ooh!" "[Grunts Fading]" "You think you've got guts, try raising my kids." " [Chattering]" " Shh!"