"( theme song playing )" "* *" "HOGAN:" "Papa Bear to headquarters." "Underground leader, code name "Tiger," captured." "Gestapo." "Request permission try rescue." "Reply urgent." "( radio beeping in Morse code )" "What do you mean, "no"?" "No, permission refused." "Are you sure they understood, Baker?" "Baker never makes a mistake, Colonel." "I asked him." "Excusez-moi." "They understood, sir." "I can't imagine them writing off Tiger." "It makes sense, Colonel." "Oui." "By this time, the Germans must know they have caught a resistance leader." "And London accepts the loss." "Well, I don't." "Well, what are you going to do for Pete's sakes, declare war on the whole Pentagon-- sir?" "The guys at headquarters sit around on their big, fat rear echelons deciding who lives and dies, is that it?" "That's what generals are for." "Look, less than a month ago she saved my life." "She saved us." "She's organized half the underground between here and Berlin." "And now she's finished-- stone-cold dead." "Not quite." "Forget London." "We're going to take her away from the goons before they get a chance to work on her." "We need information." "We have to find out where they're holding her." "We got to come up with a plan, but this time..." "What's wrong?" "Can't be done, Colonel." "They'll have every Gestapo man in the country guarding her." "And you don't mess around with that lot." "Yeah, I get the, uh, distinct impression you guys don't want any part of this, huh?" "It's against orders, sir." "Boy, is it ever!" "Especially if we get ourselves killed." "All right, forget it." "Forget I ever mentioned it." "Now you're talking." "That's a little better." "Newkirk, I'm going to need a Gestapo uniform, plenty of rank-- an officer-- and papers." "You can't manage it on your own." "Got no choice." "You just elected me Lone Ranger." "Even the Lone Ranger has Tonto." "Looks like I haven't." "Good night... ( pointedly ):" "gentlemen." "CARTER:" "Uh, Colonel?" "( stiffly ):" "You, Lone Ranger." "Me, Tonto." "Me, too." "Moi aussi, Lone Ranger." "Tonto." "Me, too, sir." "( softly ):" "Who's the Lone Ranger?" "Come to that, who's bloody Tonto?" "( liquid gurgling )" "Come on, Louis, we haven't got all day, you know." "LeBEAU:" "I'm doing it as fast as I can." "CARTER:" "Hey, chickie, blimp's approaching." "Hello, Schultzy." "Hi, big fellow!" "Don't press too hard, you might scratch the paint." "Wouldn't dream of it." "If anybody scratches Klink's car," "I would like to have the pleasure." "( laughing )" "What is he doing down there?" "Polishing the underside." "Yeah, you know, if Klink ran over a pedestrian, we want it nice and clean down there, now, wouldn't we?" "Sure..." "why not?" "Carry on." "Okay." "Huh." "Hey, you know, that makes sense when you think about it." "Why don't you think about deserting?" "All right, let's go." "Terrible." "Home brew made with potato skins-- wood alcohol, Commandant." "I know it's wood alcohol." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I keep forgetting that you have a highly intelligent nose, sir." "Just where did you find this, Hogan, huh?" "I'm sorry, I can't tell you that, Commandant." "It's against all regulation." "It's also deadly." "Drinking that stuff is like suicide." "No one will commit suicide in Stalag 13 without permission." "Permission in writing-- three copies, correct?" "No, four copies-- one goes to Berlin." "Uh, Commandant..." "I think I know how to put a stop to this." "Just what did you have in mind, hmm?" "A beer ration for all the prisoners." "Uh, one or two bottles a week, give the men something to look forward to." "A beer ration, huh?" "Uh-huh." "How about some cheese and pretzels to go with it?" "Oh, okay." "Some pickles would be nice, too, huh?" "Well, that's up to you." "If you want to spring for the additional..." "Hogan!" "There is not enough beer in all of Germany for us Germans." "You should have thought of that before you started the war." "Request denied." "I can go to the Red Cross." "Denied!" "You don't mind if I run my own stalag, do you?" "Of course not." "Thank you." "But you'll meet the problem with force." "Probably call a special formation, order the guilty man to step forward, all that old-hat stuff." "And you think it would be wrong?" "Definitely." "They'll never tell you who's making the stuff." "But now, if you listen to me..." "Hogan, I understand the prisoners' psychology better than you do." "They respond to authority and force." "Not in this case." "There will be a special formation at once." "Not this afternoon." "This afternoon." "Not 3:00." "At 3:00." "Commandant, you're ruling this camp with an iron hand." "Hogan, you better be careful that it does not fall upon you." "( laughing ):" "That's a good one." "Hogan!" "Dismissed!" ""Hope it doesn't fall on you."" "( laughing )" "3:00, all set." "Underground radio is standing by." "All right, tell them to notify Schnitzer the job's on." "Right." "We are pressing our luck bringing a guy into camp in daylight, Colonel." "We can't waste time-- every hour's important." "We need a diversion." "And a good one." "Was Klink tough?" "Murder, absolutely murder." "Now, it has come to my attention that alcohol-- or "home brew," as you might call it-- is being made in one of the barracks." "( cheering )" "NEWKIRK:" "I'd like a very dry martini, please!" "Make that two very dry martinis!" "( cheering )" "Silence!" "Now, possession of alcohol..." "is against regulations." "That is why I've called this formation." "Take care of that, Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "The prisoners guilty of making this home brew will take one step forward." "All right... if the guilty men do not give themselves up, every prisoner of Stalag 13 will be punished." "And you have exactly one minute to make up your mind." "Hey, what's the idea?" "!" "Are you the guilty one?" "He pushed me!" "You did?" "I never laid a hand on him, sir." "You're a liar!" "Him, not you, sir." "Are you guilty or not?" "Hey, who are you calling a liar?" "Take your hands off of him." "You bloody well stay out of this." "Leave him alone!" "( all arguing )" "Cease fighting!" "I want all fighting stopped!" "Looks like war has come to Stalag 13, sir." "( blows whistle )" "( dog whimpering )" "Hogan, will you control your men?" "Yeah." "Please, fellows, quite down." "( blows whistle ) Please?" "Give me that gun." "( rapid gunfire )" "And they are taking her to Berlin for questioning." "Berlin?" "That means they know how important Tiger is." "Himmler has invited Hitler to be present at her execution." "She hasn't even been tried yet." "Those trials only take ten minutes." "It's the execution that's the important thing to Hitler." "Yeah, that's how he gets his jollies." "Why doesn't he just go out to a movie once in a while?" "When are they moving her?" "Our information is tomorrow night, by train from Cologne to Hammelburg, Düsseldorf, then Berlin." "A special train just for Tiger?" "No, no, this train carries munitions." "It makes a trip at least once a week." "And they usually have a passenger car for the train crew and the guards." "And that's how they'll move her, guarded by every Gestapo agent in Germany." "Yeah, they're making some very elaborate security plans." "The first problem is to stop that train before it gets to Hammelburg." "Second problem, get her away from the Gestapo." "Now, that's what I call a problem." "Wait, I've saved the best till last." "We've got to bring Tiger here." "What for?" "!" "( others protesting )" "Hold it a minute!" "Hold it a minute." "We manage to get her away from the Krauts, send her off to England right away, we'll be taking a big risk." "How do you figure that, sir?" "Because they're going to be on the alert, ready." "The Gestapo would arrest her again in just a few hours." "And half of the underground with her." "The colonel is right." "Yeah, we got to give them time to cool off." "Yeah, why don't we just get on the train and ride with her to Berlin and have done with it?" "The Führer would love that." "Yeah, he'd have a double feature-- two executions for the price of one." "Baker, we'll need a railroad map." "( train whistle blowing )" "( railroad crossing bell ringing )" "( train whistle blowing )" "( train whistle blows )" "It's loud and clear." "Be here any minute." "All right, change the signal." "( train whistle blowing )" "( train engine slows )" "( train brakes squealing )" "( rapid gunfire )" "( explosion )" "Keep her in the compartment." "( gunfire and explosions continue )" "You." "Stay here." "Nobody in or out." "Come with me." "( gunfire and explosions continue )" "Halt!" "You!" "You, come here, please." "Come here." "Who are you?" "Your papers, please." "Hauptmann Steiger, Gestapo." "Ah." "No need to see your papers, Herr Hauptmann." "Leutnant Carterheim, Hammelburg garrison." "Heil Hitler." "I heard guns." "Ja, well, we've been trailing an underground unit." "You know, they fired upon us, uh... but we'll have everything under control very soon and then we'll release the train." "You will release it at once!" "Signal the engine." "Well, auf Wiedersehen, Herr Hauptmann, but good luck, you know, because the track ahead is mined." "But if you go very slowly, uh..." "We have an important prisoner on this train and orders to bring her to Berlin." "Ja, well, if you hit a mine, you're going to fly to Berlin." "How long will it take to clear the tracks?" "A few hours." "Last time, it took a full day, Herr Leutnant." "Oh!" "A full..." "a full day or more." "We must protect our prisoner." "Now, where are we?" "Oh, we're here, look." "Uh, approximately here... uh, 12 kilometers from, uh, Hammelburg, uh-huh." "Good." "We will go to Gestapo headquarters." "No." "The road is mined, too." "They do it all the time." "Is that all people do around here, plant mines?" "There's also ice skating in winter." "There must be a safe place." "Oh, Schloss Marburg." "Can we reach that?" "Closed for the winter, Herr Hauptmann." "Ja." "Now, what is this place here?" "Uh, that's Luftstalag 13, toughest POW camp in Germany." "Why, there's never been a successful escape from there, they say." "No, that wouldn't do for you, Herr Hauptmann." "Now, here's a place that has possibilities." "Can we get to that Luftstalag safely?" "I have a better idea." "You and your men stay with the train." "I will take your prisoner to Stalag 13." "I have an even better idea than that." "Mind your own business and do as you are told." "Bring the car to this train and drive us to that Luftstalag." "You sure you won't reconsider?" "Those guys are so bossy." "Underground agent?" "Not just an agent, Colonel, a leader." "Marie-Louise Monet." "Fräulein Monet, please." "Colonel." "One of the most dangerous traitors we have ever captured." "Danke, Herr Hauptmann." "You'd never know-- could be somebody's sister." "Dangerous, huh?" "My dear, you may place me in jeopardy anytime you like." "Me, too." "Shut up." "Colonel, we will need a cell for the prisoner." "Stalag 13 is under direct control of the Luftwaffe, and it is against all regulation to keep a civilian here." "It is impossible." "It cannot be done." "My orders come directly from Heinrich Himmler, who takes his orders from the Führer." "So, in reality, you are defying the Führer." "Now, is that what you want to do?" "We shall try to make you comfortable, Fräulein Monet." "That is better." "In the cooler under guard." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Oh, we will guard her, too." "Is that necessary?" "I'm giving you my best man." "That is the best man you have?" "Guard him, too." "Did you really expect the Gestapo to let her go?" "Well, it might have worked." "A German officer-- me-- approaches someone..." "Well, of course, that was our first mistake." "Expecting them to believe you were an officer." "All right, let's look at the positive side." "We did stop the train and we got Tiger off of it." "Yeah, now she's in the cooler under double guard." "Bloody brilliant!" "At least she is not on her way to Berlin to be executed." "Maybe I should've tried to bribe that Captain Steiger." "Aah, let's not waste time going over it again," "I've got a plan." "Karl, you said the train stops at Düsseldorf?" "Ja, in the yards outside of town for water." "There they must change for the Berlin line." "LeBeau, have Baker get in touch with Schnitzer." "You and Karl meet him and bring the dog truck to the Düsseldorf railroad yards." "Oui, mon colonel." "And check the map later." "Understood." "Carter, we're going to need a loaded briefcase-- detonator and timer set for about two hours and enough dynamite to clobber that train." "Yes, sir." "Newkirk?" "Sir." "We need a couple Gestapo uniforms, ID papers and orders to join Steiger's group." "Possible?" "Possible, sir." "Okay, that's it." "No slip-ups." "It might work." "If not, well..." "We get a free train ride to Berlin." "( loud clanging )" "Alles in Ordnung-- alles in Ordnung!" "You've given me hope again." "You haven't hurt my morale either." "Is there a chance?" "I don't know." "We have a plan." "Let them put you back on the train, start for Berlin." "What?" "Easy, easy." "We get on, too." "Now, the train stops in Düsseldorf." "We'll have a car ready." "We set the dynamite pack, the train explodes, they think you've been killed in the wreck." "It's insane." "I'll put in with you there, but it's all we've got." "I could leave with you, get out of camp through the tunnel." "Bad move." "They're too alert." "They'd capture you and us." "Now, look, if our plan works, they won't even bother looking for you." "You'll be in the clear." "And if it doesn't work?" "Maybe we'd better say good-bye in advance." "( phone rings )" "Hello." "Steiger speaking." "( with German accent ):" "This is Major Becker, Hammelburg Gestapo." "Heil Hitler." "Berlin has informed us of the difficulties you're having transporting the prisoner and so they have ordered reinforcements." "I do not need reinforcements, Major." "Captain, I said they ordered reinforcement." "So I will be sending you two of my very best men:" "Oberführer Hoganberg and Unterführer Newkirkmann." "I'm always under something." "Yes, they will report to you at the train." "Oh, by the way, the Wehrmacht officer who saved you, he's here." "I'll put him on the phone." "Hello, Captain Steiger?" "Ja, Leutnant Carterheim, remember me?" "How are you?" "How you doing, buddy?" "What is it, Leutnant?" "The track will be cleared by tomorrow night." "You can proceed to Berlin." "Danke." "We will be there." "Okay." "Hey, nice talking to you." "See you later, buddy, okay?" "Oh, ja..." "Heil Hitler, buddy." "You called a Gestapo man "buddy"?" "Well, I..." "Oh, it's shocking." "Look, he's not a bad guy... for a killer." "Where is Captain Steiger?" "Orders, please." "Follow me." "Abend, gentlemen." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Newkirkmann, Hoganberg-- reinforcements." "( train whistle toots )" "( train squeals along track )" "( engine chugging )" "( railroad crossing bell ringing )" "( train whistle blows )" "( yawns ):" "Oh." "I could do with some sleep." "Excellent idea." "( railroad crossing bell ringing )" "Excellent idea, but we're going to be busy." "Make it nice and quiet, shall we, mate?" "( train squeals on tracks )" "Relax." "Or we'll do it for you." "All set, sir." "Right, you take care of the light switch," "I'll handle the window." "Right, sir." "( train whistle blowing )" "( train chugging )" "( loud explosion )" "HOGAN:" "Jackpot." "One of their trains is really missing." "It's going to burn all night." "And tomorrow they'll look through the wreckage." "You'll be on your way to England." "Yeah, thanks to the Lone Ranger." "Thanks to the Lone Ranger." "Sorry, ma'am, the Lone Ranger only kisses Silver, his horse." "Oh, make an exception just once." "Well, I'll try." "KLINK:" "I've decided to punish two of your men, LeBeau and Newkirk, for creating that disturbance during roll call." "Have a heart, Commandant." "I have, and a command responsibility." "One week in the cooler." "That's inhuman." "Discipline must be maintained." "And I was just about to pass on important military information." "I'm not interested in mil..." "Did you say "military information"?" "Got it from the transient prisoner, but forget it." "Hogan, are you trying to bargain with me?" "You're mighty quick today, Commandant." "What is the information?" "Is it a deal?" "For worthwhile military intelligence, yes." "It's worthwhile all right." "It could mean the end of the war." "Well, what is it?" "Are you listening?" "I am." "It's very simple." "It is?" "Yeah-- surrender." "Oh, yes, of course, that's very..." "Dismissed!"