"They're givin' away money!" "What?" "!" "Money!" "They're givin' it away!" "I want money." "They're giving away free money?" "Yeah, come on!" "Hurry!" "What's going on?" "They're givin' out free money!" "Come on, hurry!" "Where?" "This is gonna change our lives." "It's beautiful." "The real cards aren't that big, but..." "They're good, too." "With this new card," "I'm gonna make tons of money." "Do you want in or not?" "No, ron, I don't want in." "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a thespian." "I have no need for money." "I live by my craft." "Ah, well, online investing is a craft." "Online investing is for desperate fools." "It's true." "Right." "Except for me, though." "This is the company I'm investing in, anatomical industries." "These guys, these geniuses, can make a human stomach in a petri dish." "You see, that's just wrong." "People shouldn't do things like that." "It's not wrong." "Every... every old guy with an ulcer is gonna want one of these dish guts, my dish guts." "So, you're gonna get rich from the ailments of old men." "I hope you enjoy your little shallow, soulless existence in front of your computer." "I just made $150 right there, while you were sayin' somethin'," "I don't even care what, 'cause I made $150." "Oh, sweet, sweet credit card." "Daddy's gonna take good care of you." "I..." "I honestly can't believe" "I got a d-plus on this paper." "Oh, it's not so bad, man." "Maybe you should focus on the plus." "Actually, I tried hard on this." "I don't know, maybe I can't do any better." "Maybe this is..." "As smart as I get." "Possibly, maybe, man." "Thank you." "Wanna see power over the system?" "Meet "the wad."" "It's all the power of money, but the key is, you never spend it." "Steven karp," "I know a guy that can hook you up." "With what?" "Well, I know someone that will happily compose a paper for you for a price." "No." "I've heard of this guy." "He's a townie, right?" "Yes, he's a gentleman that resides in town." "Stick to your "d," man." "It's wrong havin' some weird guy do your homework for you." "All right, look, here's what you do." "You call the number on the kiosk that says, "I type papers fast," ok?" "He takes credit cards." "All right, 75 bucks for a new paper, 50 bucks if it's off the pile." "Um, bovary, right?" "Ok." "Bovary..." "Is that, uh, professor horowitz?" "Yeah." "Still got that wandering eye?" "Yeah." "Yeah, he'll use that." "He'll use that." "When do you guys need it?" "Tomorrow at noon?" "What time is it now?" "Uh, it's, uh, it's about 7:00." "P.M. Or a.M.?" "P.M." "Yeah, yeah, that's not a problem." "I can do that." "Uh, what do you wanna do?" "You wanna go cash?" "Credit card?" "Money order?" "I'll go with the, uh, plastic." "Ok." "Yeah, virgin plastic." "That's nice, huh?" "That's a good feeling." "Don't rob me." "I could, actually." "What's your major, steven?" "Oh, uh..." "He's undeclared." "What's wrong with that?" "I was undeclared, and I turned out all right." "Ok, we're in." "We are in the matrix." "I mean like this really was like a difficult paper to write, and it, uh, took me a very long time." "'Cause madame bovary is a very complex book with tons of layers and themes and..." "You're being really obvious, man." "Thank you very much." "Have a nice day." "I'm the smartest person that you will ever see in your entire life." "I've already made" "$2,648." "You're a lying bastard, garner." "Oh, well, why don't you just check for yourself there, limey." "And I did it in my boxers." "Wow." "I could buy a decent used car right now or an amazingly thorough prostitute." "And it just keeps going up like that." "Yeah, it just keeps goin' up, and I really want you to join me here, lloyd." "I mean..." "I wanna share this with you." "You're my friend." "You know, at least until I meet a golddigger." "It's so awesome." "He said I'd get an "a" and I did." "It is so awesome." "Yeah, but..." "You didn't get an "a." Dave did." "Come on." "It's the..." "it's my first "a"" "since I got to this school." "Please don't ruin it." "Like I could..." "I could be on the dean's list with this guy." "Do you understand that I've never gotten good grades?" "Which is, of course, why I came to this school." "Is this a bad school?" "I'll just do it for the rest of the semester." "That's it." "'Cause this teacher, he thinks I'm an "a" guy." "I can't go back to being a "d" guy." "It's like, yeah, could you go back to being a guy without a wad?" "You mean señor wad." "Huh?" "See, it's really only $500 american currency, but, now, it's 77,600 mexican pesos." "See how grande it is?" "I got an "a" on my paper." "Look at this." "These things cost 50 bucks, and they make me wanna puke, but I don't care 'cause I'm rich!" "Yo, what?" "!" "You see lloyd's new suit?" "100 percent leather!" "Yo, check out my new screen." "Come on." "Come on." "Wanna know what's back there?" "Nothin'." "'Cause it's so damn thin." "Now get me a soda." "What?" "No." "You get your own soda." "Ok." "Would you guys turn the music down!" "We are trying to write papers." "Thank you." "Sorry." "Did I hear you guys were sayin' that you were havin' a little trouble writing papers?" "Well, yeah." "What if I told you that I knew how you guys could..." "Not write a paper and still get an "a"?" "I don't know." "This seems like a bad idea." "It's... it's like cheating." "It's not like cheating." "It is cheating." "This is cheating." "Look who's here!" "Karper!" "How's it goin'?" "What's up?" "These are my friends, lizzie and rachel." "Oh, is she the one that... oh, god, I miss college." "All right, come on in." "Everybody in, let's go." "Yeah, have a seat." "Hey, what, huh," "I mean, can you believe that "a" we got, right?" "That's awesome." "Yeah, and that guy's a tough grader." "He's so tough, you know, but the thing is, steven," "I knew that I was on such a roll when I was writin' that paper, and I was like, this blows away my old bovary." "And I knew it, I knew it." "Who wants a blintze?" "Anybody want a blintze?" "They're not frozen, homemade, huh?" "No, thanks." "Blintzes all the way around?" "No." "No?" "Yeah?" "No." "Yeah?" "No, thanks." "Uh, hey, if you get a chance, check out this model I built." "It's for an architecture client." "He's a grad student." "Very... very talented." "Very talented." "Very talented." "I'm afraid for my life." "Oh, come on." "He's a really good guy." "Well, you know what?" "My parents pay a lot of money for me to go to college and learn." "Would you just stop babbling?" "We're gonna forget everything we've learned 2 weeks after graduation anyway." "Yeah." "Did you guys check out the basketball game?" "!" "We kicked usec's butt!" "That's goat cheese on the outside." "Blintze, blintze, blintze, blintze, blintze." "Blintze, blintze, blintze." "Don't fear the blintze." "So, um, here's the thing." "We all have papers that are due, like, friday morning, and so we thought we'd tell you what the subjects are, and then, you know, you could tell us which ones you could do?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I can do 'em all." "Yeah, I just need 24 hours." "Ok, you must be kidding." "Yeah, it's..." "it's 3 papers." "Doubt me!" "Doubt me!" "Just tell me I can't do it!" "Just tell me I can't do it, 'cause nothing's more motivating than to hear those 3 words... just doubt me." "Ok, what are we doin'?" "What's your subject?" "What's the paper on?" "We got, uh, morality and the brothers karamazov." "Ok, yeah, I can deal with that." "I think I got that." "I think I got... yeah, I got it, ok?" "!" "Ilyusha versus ivan, ok?" "Law of man versus law of god." "Cake." "Have we got anything, anything that you can bring to me, because I will slap it down." "How did you get so smart?" "Um, I, uh, I read." "I read like 8 or 9 books a week." "Wow." "There it is." "Told ya." "Also do a lot of speed." "All the time." "Just tell me how rich I am." "Those are tears of joy, right, ron?" "I have some bad news, lloyd." "Steven's dead." "What?" "Steven died?" "Well..." "No, but we lost all of our money." "How could you let this happen, ron?" "!" "You promised!" "I didn't do it on purpose, ok?" "!" "It keeps going down!" "I can't help it!" "Go up, you idiot, go up!" "Oh, jeez." "It's these stupid religious zealots, man." "I mean, they're protesting our company." "They're saying that the dish gut is against the laws of nature." "God wants people to have stomachs." "I mean, why can't they see that?" "Do you guys wanna go see a movie at the campus center tonight?" "Uh, they're showing wizard of oz set to pink floyd's dark side of the moon." "It's gonna be awesome." "Oh, yeah." "I'm sorry." "I can't go." "I have to write a paper." "# Oh, it's so nice to be with you #" "# I love all the things you say and do # # and it's so nice to hear you say # # you're gonna please me in every way # # honey, I got the notion you're 'causing commotion #" "# the time I'm gonna be with you # dad." "How's it goin'?" "What are you doin' here?" "I brought you some underwear I got on sale." "32, right?" "And then I saw this." "Oh, that thing." "Listen to that guy over there." "Mr. Humility, "oh, that?"" "Steven, this is an "a."" "That's fantastic!" "Well, dad, it's not... honestly, like no big deal." "Sure it is." "You've been working so hard." "I've been working so hard, waiting on tables to pay the crazy tuition." "It's finally paying off." "Yeah, I guess it is, yeah." "This is the last paper for me." "Definitely." "Enough is enough." "I can..." "I can do it." "It's so easy." "Thank you." "Wouldn't it be nice if next time he gave us a paper that was like actually challenging." "I guess he did." "Oh, what the hell... hey." "I did this by myself." "I can't believe I let you get me involved in this!" "We just need a little more money to play with, and then we buy while it's down and then it comes back up, and we should be rich again." "No, ron, I'm through with this." "Money is the devil." "We don't have a choice, lloyd, ok?" "If we don't pay off this debt, then we have bad credit for life." "We won't even be able to get a discover card." "Do you know what that means?" "No more leather suits?" "That's right!" "Ok, now if you want to fix this, go get me some money." "How do you propose I do that, ron?" "Granny?" "It's lloyd." "Ask her!" "Granny, it was my birthday last week, and I still didn't receive my birthday check." "Very upset, very." "Oh, no, don't cry, granny." "Oh, I know you forget sometimes." "It's ok." "There's always next year." "What are we gonna do?" "!" "Dude, I will punch you in the eyes." "Oh." "Oh!" "Go!" "Just leave!" "She's worth more to us dead." "I'm kidding." "I'm kidding." "I know this grade was punishment for not doing my own paper." "Yeah, yeah." "You know I can stop whenever I want to." "This is just recreational." "This move I call, "farewell, my concubine."" "Sneak up, and then I just pause." "And then I bludgeon!" "That's what I do!" "All right." "Yeah, go away, I'm busy!" "Hey, dave, it's, uh, steven." "Oh, yeah, hey, buddy, come on in." "Grab a pumpkin muffin." "Hey, did we rock the karamazov brothers, or what, huh?" "Uh..." "Dave, we need to talk to you." "We all got ds on our papers." "What?" "Actually, I got a "c."" "Whatever!" "I mean, the point is, we're paying you $75." "We should be getting at least bs." "That's what you promised." "Whoa, whoa, ok, ok, hold on." "Let me... can I just see the papers, please?" "Redundant, illogical, shallow." "God." "Horowitz is so tough." "He's so tough." "He's haunting me." "Ok, you know what?" "We're gonna fight this!" "We're gonna take this all the way to the administration!" "Dave, I read my paper on jackson pollock, and it was really lame!" "I'm sorry, you know what," "I was this close to getting to level 24, and that hardly ever happens." "We just want our money back." "Yeah." "Um, yeah, I don't have your cash, uh, 'cause that mostly went into my new gaming system here." "It's a ps-2." "You know, not a lot of people have it." "But I know this one guy in hemet... we don't care!" "You know what, you ripped us off!" "Ok, easy." "Easy, all right?" "I'm not your daddy here." "Ok, look." "I..." "I..." "I'm gonna fix this, I promise, ok?" "I..." "I'll do your next papers free." "Gratis." "I..." "I don't think that that's the best idea." "You know what, though?" "I..." "I do have a paper due." "I'm guaranteeing you guys an "a."" "As across the board." "Just feed me the rock, and I will put it through the hoop." "Swoosh." "Count it." "Go to the locker room, take a shower." "All right." "All right." "Thumbs up, huh?" "Yeah, across the board?" "Can I see thumb... ay." "This bravura hanging firmament, why, it's brought nothing to me but a vile and pestilent congregation of vapor." "Mmm, that was exquisite." "Well, thank you." "I almost cried." "Would you like to make a donation?" "I don't have any money, but can you do it again?" "Yeah." "I have of late, but wherefore I know not" "Lost all my mirth." "Dave?" "Hey, come on, uh, dave." "It's uh, steven karp." "D... we need our papers." "I can't believe he isn't here." "Yeah, uh, it's..." "it's really weird, 'cause I thought he was afraid to leave or whatever." "What the hell was that?" "He's in there." "He's..." "We know you're in there!" "I'm..." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna go in." "I think I'm just gonna drop that psych class." "I mean, I could..." "I could take it next semester." "Guys." "Guys." "Guys, this really isn't a good idea." "This is illegal." "Listen, I need to get that paper." "I'm gonna fail the class if I don't get that paper." "Yeah, I..." "I know I saw something move in here." "Maybe it was a cat." "Meow!" "Kitty?" "Lizzie, that was him." "Look, there..." "stay away, killer samurais!" "What the hell is this?" "You'll never conquer tokogawa!" "Never!" "It's... it's me, steve." "Not my dojo." "Do you hear me?" "Oh, liar!" "I'd recognize you anywhere, yasu." "What?" "You cannot hide behind your crimson shield." "Crimson sh..." "level 24." "Protect your flank." "Combo!" "Combo!" "Spin!" "Combo!" "For god's sakes, stop that!" "Oh!" "You've brought your concubines with you." "Very shrewd, yasu." "Very shrewd." "Please kill me now." "Finish me off swiftly with your lance." "Plunge it deep into my heart and twist it." "No." "Let the blood run through my kitchen." "Aah, aah, I think I took too much speed." "Ok, there." "You can have it." "Whoo!" "Oh, my god, steven." "I really thought I was in that ninja game." "I almost killed you." "I was..." "I was really gonna kill you." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And... and the irony of the whole thing is you don't even look like yasu." "Hey, um, I'm just wondering did you get a chance to, uh, to finish our papers uh, before you took too much speed?" "No." "I'm gonna need a couple more days." "Oh, god." "Oh, my god." "What?" "Maybe, uh, maybe we can get some sort of extension." "Uh, you know," "I'm happy to forge some sort of note, maybe." "One of you guys has impetigo or something." "No, no, no." "This is not happening." "They're due tomorrow morning!" "Don't yell at me." "You know what?" "'Cause I don't work well under stress." "All you have to do is hang out here all day and type papers, and... and, god, you can't even do that." "I can't even do that?" "You can't even do that." "You're payin' me, pancho." "You're right." "You're right, and I realize that, and you know what?" "I'm done, 'cause I am not gonna turn out like you." "Well?" "I made 89 cents." "All you had to do was get a few hundred dollars." "How hard is that?" "Didn't you see oliver?" "That little bugger scammed people all over the place." "You are a horrible actor, lloyd." "What the hell happened to your enormous brain, ron?" "Ok, lloyd, shut up, ok, puss in boots?" "What about me, guys?" "I'm always interested in a good investment." "Go play with your wad, marshall." "Well, that's just the thing, you know." "I've, like, done everything I could possibly do with the wad except actually spend it." "I even laid it out in a briefcase and pretended I was, like, getting a hostage back, you know?" "But, you know, I..." "I'm gettin' bored with the wad." "Marshall, friend..." "With the money you could make, your wad will have its own wads." "You know..." "I think it's about time that someone else gets some good off of..." "Let's do this." "It's gonna be a long night." "This is not bad." "This is actually really good." "Anthony hopkins reads this great." "I just read 50 pages, and I don't remember a word of it." "There's no test." "There's no... no, it's a paper." "Well, I think I'm just gonna go back or I could just keep go..." "I could..." "I could flip ahead." "It's, like, my body is awake and my... my mind is asleep." "I'm gonna take a nap." "Anthony hopkins is yelling." "This sucks, ron." "You don't know what you're doin', do you?" "Shut up, man!" "Shut up and ride it out, ok?" "It's happening!" "It is?" "It's goin' up." "It's goin' up." "It hit 22!" "Sell!" "We can't just sell, ok?" "It's still rising." "Don't be cowards." "You said you'd sell at 22, ron." "Come on." "A few minutes longer, and then w-we'll be rich again." "Don't get greedy, ron!" "Sell, you bitch, sell!" "Hit the sell button!" "Hit it!" "Hit it!" "What happened?" "Is my wad ok?" "We made $27." "$27 divided by 3." "That's 8 bucks to wrap around my wad, baby." "Ooh!" "You are morons." "I'm goin' back in." "No, this is over, ron." "Wait, I think it's goin' up." "It's goin' up." "Paper's done, and I did it all by myself." "Up, go." "Up, you stupid..." "Oh, why do you hate me?" "Why do you hate..." "What are you doing?" "Nothin', man, nothin'." "I'm just..." "I'm getting internet porno." "Tons of it." "Right on." "Yeah." "Right on." "Up." "Up, go..." "Up, up, up!" "Do you need my password?" "No, no." "You need my password?" "Shh, go back to sleep." "I got it."