"Yep, one more payment and you're all mine." "Hi, Daddy." "I saw you pushing the car." "Doesn't it work?" "Well, sure it does, honey." "It was just such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it sitting in the car like all those other jerks on the expressway." "Of course it doesn't work." "Honey, if you saw Dad pushing it why didn't you come and give me a hand?" "Well, it looked pretty boring." "I mean, you were going so slow and everything." "A person could get a heart attack pushing a car in this heat." "You gotta think about Mom." "What would she do if she lost both of us?" "If you kick, it's okay." "She can marry again." "But if I went..." "Kelly, honey!" "Forget about it, okay?" "Just give old Dad a chance to push his spleen back through his navel." "Hey, Dad." "Saw you pushing the old car." "Me and my friends never thought you'd make it up the hill." "Did you ever think about helping old Dad?" "In this heat?" "You know, you kids have been so great." "Why don't you just hop in the car." "I'll push you down to the ice cream parlour." "Thanks, Dad." "And push it fast so we look cool, okay?" "Dad, why don't we just get a new car?" "Bud, you don't throw something away just because it doesn't work." "If that was the case, you wouldn't have a mother." "Now, let's find exactly what is wrong with this car." "You stinking, old pile of junk." "Junk pile." "Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?" "Kelly, we already got ice cream, and we're home." "Get out of the car." "I didn't get any." "Kelly, get back in the car." "Bud, did you get ice cream?" "Yeah, Kel." "It was great." "Where was I?" "Kelly, honey, can you hear me?" "Good, good." "Now, honey, when I say "now," turn it over and try not to honk the horn, okay?" "That meant "okay," Daddy." "Good, good." "Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?" "You know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother." "Yeah." "I see there's some dirt on the round thing." "All right, I think I got it." "Kelly, turn it on." "Dad, you might want to tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it." "Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud." "She's not an idiot." "Use the key, honey." "It's no use." "I know that sound." "That's a death rattle." "I make it myself every morning." "Go in the house." "Get out of the car, Kelly." ""Get in the car." "Get out of the car." "Get in the car." "Get out of the car."" "You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates." "They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any." "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Kelly." "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Bud." "Hi, Peg." "And before you say hi to the milkman, it's me." "I know." "I have a nose." "By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home." "Doesn't it work?" "If you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?" "Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't going to help, why should I?" "Kids, I have a little family announcement to make but since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you." "I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car." "Oh, that's great!" "A new car!" "I want a Cadillac." "I want a Ferrari." "I want a Porsche." "Your wishes mean nothing to me." "It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting." "Yeah, just don't get another weenie-mobile." "If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile." "At least it'll be a new weenie-mobile." "A new car, at last." "Anything I've ever owned has been used." "My car, my house, my..." "Kids, today you're going to witness the last great American tradition." "Daddy's buying a new car and I wanted my family to share the experience." "Well, then, shouldn't we have brought Mom?" "Let her get her own family." "Hey, Dad, you going to tell us what's in the box now?" "Ten years of my life, son." "It's an awful big box for that, Dad." ""An awful big box."" "You think Dad likes to be reminded that the last decade of his life is one big goose egg, a vast wasteland a black hole from which hope can neither enter nor escape?" "Shut up and humour him like we do on Father's Day, okay?" "You're the greatest, Daddy!" "Yeah, Dad, you're the bestest Dad in the whole, wide world." "Now, tell us more about your magic shoe." "It's not a shoe, you dolts." "You're looking at $5000." "Mine, animals!" "Mine, animals!" "Took me 10 years to save for this." "Cutting corners for years using the same razor blade, using the same TV guide reusing the same mouthwash." "And now, finally, the fruits of my suffering." "Well, I thought we were the fruits of your suffering, Daddy." "No, you're the vegetables of my suffering." "But anyhow, I buried my box so deep in the backyard that the devil himself, your mother, could not find it." "And this is my new car!" "Oh, yeah." "Get in." "Take a deep breath, kids." "That's enough." "You're sucking up all the new." "What do you think, kids?" "Well, I don't know." "There's not a lot of room back here." "Well that might be because you're not lying down like usual." "Hey, Dad, don't forget to buy a "neutered boy on board" sticker." "Oh, yeah, and rubber seats, you know, for his little problem." "Yeah, well, I guess this will be okay." "I don't care." "I'm in a new car, and I'm still alive." "Oh, God." "Now, kids, wait till the salesman comes over here." "You'll see old Dad wheel and deal then." "Were you wheeling and dealing when you sold our old car for a ride over here?" "Hey, Dad, if he won't deal, show him some leg." "I got a Walkman for 5 bucks once." "Lie down, Kelly." "Can I help you, sir?" "Yeah, the sticker on this says $15,000, but how much is it really?" "Fifteen thousand." "Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do." "I give you 10." "Great." "But if you want the car, it'll be 15." "Let's say 12." "Fifteen." "Fourteen." "Fifteen." "Okay, but I want air-conditioning, no charge." "Nope." "Okay, but I want you to throw in a stereo." "Undercoating." "Okay." "But I'm not driving out of here till I have a wooden gearshift knob, no extra cost." "Let me think." "Hey, Vince." "How much is a plastic wooden-gearshift knob?" "Twenty-five cents." "I give it to you for 50 bucks." "Deal, sucker!" "How do you intend to pay?" "Well, how does a $5000 deposit sound?" "Bud, peel him off 5 big ones." "Well, I'd love to, Dad, but all you got is 800." "Is that all?" "Well, that and a red hair." "Hello, snookums." "Peg, I wanna talk to you." "Yeah, well, actually, I wanna talk to you too." "Can we have a maid?" "This place is such a mess." "God." "Peg, let me ask you something." "In your travels in the back yard say about eight paces from the tree twelve feet down did you ever find a box with, say, about $5000 in it?" "Was that yours?" "Yes." "Where do you think it came from?" "Well, I just figured that before the white man settled the area the Indians buried it there." "Well, why would the Indians write "Al" on the box?" "Well, I just thought that someone killed the guy before he wrote, "A lot of money for whoever finds it."" "Well, then, I guess I have some bad news for me." "See, that was my new car fund, Peg, a long, long time ago." "Peg, how could you spend $4200?" "Well, you remember when you yelled at me because there wasn't any juice in the house?" "Well, I took some money, and I bought you juice." "And a coat for me." "And then, remember when you demanded dinner?" "Well, I took some more money, and I bought you a bucket of chicken." "And a coat for Mom." "And then the rest of it, well, I have to admit, I spent foolishly." "Honey, could you come out in the back yard with me?" "I have the urge to bury something else." "You are really mad about this?" "You know, if anyone should be mad, it's me." "You're the one who's hiding money from me." "You would've spent it." "Then why are you acting so surprised?" "Well, I hope you're happy, Al." "Now I'm all tense." "Well, look, honey, you've got $800." "Why don't we spend it on the two of us?" "You know, what do you say, juice and a fur coat?" "Well, you know, I do have some good news, Al." "One of the girls at the beauty parlour said that she would buy your old car for $1100." "You've made a wise choice, Mr. And Mrs. Whiteman." "This is the last one we have in stock." "Pretty good deal, too, at 12 thou." "Well, nothing's too good for our Lewis." "Lewis got a "C" in Français." "I want a Maserati." "You will take this and like it!" "I hate you!" "Kids." "What can we do for you, sir?" "Oh, yeah, the shoebox man." "Hey, look, why don't we face facts?" "You're just not a new-car kind of guy." "Why not get yourself a nice used car." "I don't want a used car." "I want a new car, like the little boy." "You can't have one." "All right." "I know you're right." "I'm sorry for wasting all your time." "Get out!" "Hey, man!" "Hey, get out of that car!" "No, no, it's mine!" "It's my car!" "I worked for it." "No, you can't take it." "Please!" "Ask him, the kid don't even want it." "Twenty years I've toiled by the sweat of my brow." "Whiteman!" "Whiteman, listen!" "That kid is a monster." "He don't like the car." "Ask him!" "Buy me one, please." "I'd be proud to call you "Daddy."" "Take it easy now, pal." "Come on, settle down, big fella." "Here." "Here, take this card." "Now, it's got the address of a good used-car lot." "Now, you tell them I sent you." "They'll treat you right." "Hi, honey." "I saw you pushing your new car up the street." "How do you like it?" "Well, it pushes pretty smooth but a little rough passing on the expressways." "But the handling more than makes up for it." "Sit down, honey." "You're not happy with your car, are you?" "Well, you know, maybe I've been..." "That's better." "Anyway, maybe I've been a little selfish." "I mean, you are the breadwinner, and you work very hard." "You deserve to have a good car." "So I'm going to do something for you that I should've done in the first place." "You'll get a job and pay me back the 4200 you stole from me?" "Oh, Al, you're a crackup." "Anyway, what I am going to do is I'm gonna give you the number of a guy that can give you a great deal on a good used car." "He's the son of the guy that I buy my shoes from." "Just mention my name." "He'll treat you like a king." "No." "Why?" "What have I done?" "Am I not fit to die?" "Daddy's home!" "Good choice, honey." "It's a much lighter car." "Yeah, I can almost pull this one." "Dad, wouldn't it be a lot easier to walk to work without the car?" "Come on, Bud, don't be stupid." "It's way too far for Daddy to walk without a car." "You know, I can't believe he cheated you." "Well, that's it." "I am getting in this car and you are pushing me back down there so I can give this guy a piece of my mind." "Now, get in the car, kids." "Daddy?" "I know it's a few miles out of the way but could we stop at Samantha's house?" "I told her that we could give her a ride to the airport." "Dad, could you drop me at the mall?" "All right, everybody, let's hold it right there." "Now, how long have I known you guys?" "What, about two, 300 years?" "In that time, I have learned to do without several things:" "A yacht a summer home, love, respect, food." "I can accept that." "But I will live not one more day without a car that runs." "So no more advice." "I will go find my own used-car lot and if I come home tonight, God willing it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom."" "Al Bundy pushes no more." "Now, get out of my car." "Now, get along the side and help me push this car." "Let's go." "Let's go." "That's it." "That's it." "See?" "It's much better with a little help." "Peg, it's your job, very important, when we get to the bottom of the hill that you get on the brakes and stop the car." "It's very important." "Daddy, you're driving!" "You're darn right I am." "Well, what do you think?" "It looks like your old car." "Peg, that just goes to show how little you know about cars." "My old car had 99,000 miles on it." "This one's only got eighteen." "Kids, what did we learn from this?" "That this car was only driven one mile per year?" "No." "That with a little care we can still find a very good used car that drives like a dream." "I'm telling you, Peg, this baby fits me like a glove." "Even the radio stations, they're tuned in to all the old channels that I like." "Sure, it was a little more expensive, but they were willing to finance." "And in three years, this baby'll be all mine!" "Let's go." "Yep, Al Bundy finally won one."