"Previously on The Last Man on Earth..." "Let's have Todd put my baby in you." "No friggin' way." "Mike Shelby Miller, will you be our sperm?" "I-I'd be honored." "Friggin' ridiculous." "(laughs) I'm pregnant!" "(squeals, laughs)" "Oh!" "(buzzing quietly)" "I still can't believe I'm not sterile." "(both chuckle)" "You didn't masturbate too much, after all." "Yeah, it was just the right amount." "Thank you." "I am so proud of your sperm." "I am, too." "Guys, guys." "Gail, Carol is pregnant." "Yeah?" "Okay, good." "Whatever." "Good for you." "You're not gonna believe the crazy thing" "I just saw out there." "It was a flying record player!" "It just came out of the sky, came right at me!" "It was like... (yells)" "Like when you go to, um, you know, Waffle House." "It was like... it was flying skillets." "It was, uh, no." "It was like... two hovering griddles." "Gail, honey, how much have you had to drink today?" "A lady never tells." "Gail, I think everybody's just saying that sometimes you drink a little bit." "A lot a bit." "Well, maybe you're just a little confused about what you saw." "I know exactly what I saw out there!" "There was a whole mess of-of floating hair dryers, and they were staring right at me!" "(slurring):" "Do y'all really think I "mrink" too much?" "Well, I think you might have answered your own question there." "Oh, farts." "TANDY:" "Mmm." "(laughs)" "Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm." "Mmm." "TODD:" "What the hell's going on in here?" "Nothing." "Really?" "'Cause it doesn't smell like nothing." "Mike farted." "Yeah." "Yeah, I-I farted." "(laughs) Oh." "That's funny." "'Cause your farts smell like freshly cooked bacon." "Thank you." "TANDY:" "Todd, we're adults here, and I'm gonna be honest with you about this." "Mike and I just finished off the bacon." "Uh, but I-I did fart." "You guys finished the bacon." "MIKE:" "Mm-hmm." "That's cool." "Thank you, Todd." "You want, uh, any cracklins, braheem?" "(shouting):" "No, I don't want any friggin' cracklins, braheem!" "You know, I was wondering if it ever crossed your mind to consult with me first." "You know, I'm guessing it didn't, Tandy." "Did it?" "(chuckles softly)" "Did it?" "!" "I found this bacon." " We ran this by the group..." " Yeah." "And everyone agreed that Mike should get to finish off the bacon, 'cause he hasn't had any yet." "Everyone?" "That's funny, 'cause last time I checked," "I was part and parcel of "everyone."" "We looked for you everywhere, and we couldn't find you, bud." "Well, you didn't look hard enough, bud." "So where are you from in Australia?" " All over." "Yeah." " Oh, yeah?" "Yeah?" "I've actually, um," " I've been to Adelaide." "Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." "I actually spent a bit of time in Adelaide." "Oh, well, then, yeah, you know." "Wh-What were you doing there?" "Okay, um... (chuckles)" "I should say that I did a bit of time in Adelaide." " I was in jail." " Oh." "Wow." "I somehow got arrested, uh, for leaving a bank with some money that wasn't mine." " Uh-huh. - And then a man in a uniform found a gun on me that turned out to be mine." "So you're talking about armed robbery." "Oh, more like an armed misunderstanding." "And how did that go over in court?" "Well, as I said, I did a bit of time in Adelaide. (laughs)" "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. (laughs)" " Yeah." " So, well, then how'd you end up, you know, here in the States?" "Oh, I got a job at the State Department." "They hired you with a criminal record?" "They didn't hire me." "(American accent):" "They hired Amanda Williams from Cleveland, Ohio." "Majored in political science at the Ohio State University." "Go Pi Phi!" "Go!" "Whoo!" "That's amaz... you know, you're like" " the most interesting person alive." " Nah." "Yeah, does everybody else know about this?" "Hell no." "What are you talk... why not?" "They've never asked me." "It's like they just latched onto the Australia thing and stopped right there." "(Australian accent):" "Cheers, Erica!" "Dingoes ate my baby!" "Didgeridoo!" "(normal voice):" "What's up, Mike?" "Hey, Phil." "G'day." "Yep." "Hey, bud." "Thinking about going out and burning down the Santa Monica Pier." "You want to come with?" "Yeah, what, was your bacon brother busy?" "(sighs)" "Come on, T." "You're my original bacon brother." "I'm talking OBB." "And you want to hazard a guess as to who's down with OBB?" "Huh?" "Every last Tandy." "Oh, come on." "Tandy, ever since Mike showed up, you don't have time for me anymore." "Oh, don't you dare." "Uh, every time I try to hang out with you, you're always either with Gail or Melissa." " That is not true!" " Oh, yes, it is." "You're just like one of those guys who as soon as they get two girlfriends, they just disappear." "No, you know what?" "I'm your backup plan." "Your number two." "And it's totally appropriate, Tandy, because that's exactly how you make me feel." "Like a big old number two." "And you know where you dropped that stinky?" "Right here." "On my heart." "Yes, yes." "Here we are." "Okay." "You still waiting on your date there, ma'am?" "Oh, I lied about that to keep the creeps away." "Really?" "Would you mind if I joined you, then?" "I don't know." "Are you a creep?" "Yeah, I think so." "(laughs):" "Well, in that case, sit down." "All right, let that be there." "Yeah." "Although, I feel like I should tell you," "I am carrying another man's baby." "You are?" "Wow." "Well, that's complicated." "On the plus side," "I am the only single woman left on the planet." "Ah." "Okay." "See, I can work with that." "That's nice, yeah." "Well, I guess, if we're being honest with each other," "I should let you know that I'm, uh, married." " Chef Miyagi!" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah, but it's okay." "I'm getting a divorce soon." "Yeah, my brother's actually sleeping with my wife." "(laughs)" "(groans) Water." "It burns my throat." "I just don't like it." "You'll get used to it." "Maybe I'll try putting an olive in it." "Transition into it, you know?" "(groans) Hello." "Oh, Geez of Nazareth!" "Man, you got to stop coming up on me like that, Carol." "I'm gonna start making people wear bells around their necks." "Uh, Gail's trying to stop drinking, so she's a little... well, you saw her." "Well, good for you, Gail." "And as a show of solidarity, I'm gonna join you." "I can't drink, anyway." "Baby on board." "Beep, beep!" "Out of my way!" "(laughs) Yeah." "Not drinking for two now." "Well, good luck with that." "Looks like I'm drinking for four now." "Hey, this is actually pretty easy." "Yeah, that motion seems to come to you pretty naturally." "(laughs)" "(coughing)" "Doing okay?" "Yeah, yeah." "No, I'm fine." "Just a little tuckered out, is all." "You're a little tuckered out?" "That's funny, I thought your name was Mike." "Boom." "Solid." "(chuckles):" "I know." "Hey, bud." "I just want to thank you for having sex with Carol and stuff." "It-it meant a lot to me." "To be honest with you, I'm really excited to be an uncle." "Well, you're gonna be a godfather, too." "Well, I guess that's better than being a godfather three." "Boom." "Solid." "I know. (chuckles)" "So what do you say?" "You want to be our godfather?" "(imitating Vito Corleone):" "It's an offer I can't refuse." "I don't underst... why are you talking like that?" "TODD:" "Well, well, well." "Oh, hey, bud." "How hangs it?" "I was just coming by to get some milk, but you guys probably already dried her out, didn't you?" "Oh, come on, Toddler." "I'm not a toddler." "I'm a man." " Hey, Mike is my brother, - (coughing) and I'm going to spend time with him, and I will not apologize for that." "I'm sorry." "Oh, yeah, make me seem like the crazy one, huh?" " (coughing) - "Todd's upset at Tandy for hanging out with his brother."" "Huh?" "Is that how you're gonna spin this?" " I'm not spinning it." " (coughing continues)" "If anything, I'm keeping it firmly in place!" "Okay, you know what?" "It's time to face facts, Tandy." "Here's the thing, ever since he showed up, you don't have any time..." "Good God." "It's just a cold, okay?" "Or allergies." "But Todd said he coughed up blood!" "You know what?" "Uh, Todd's just spreading rumors." "Yeah, that's right." "You know where he works?" "At the rumor mill." "Yeah, and, uh, you know what his name would be if Bruce Willis was his dad?" " Rumer." " It's not a rumor." "Yes, it is." "I mean, this is clearly revenge 'cause you're so jealous of me and Mike." "And that, my friend, is what's not a rumor." "No, that's a Tallulah and Scout." "Bruce Willis's other kids." "Tandy, whatever is going on between us, this is bigger." "Now, I saw it." "It was blood." "You need to tell the truth." "Okay, okay." "There might have been, uh, just a teeny, tiny little bit of blood." " (groans)" " But I've coughed up blood, like, a million times, and that doesn't mean that I have the virus, right?" "He's fine." "But does he have the rash?" "Not on his genitals." "Sorry, Tandy." "Just trying to help." "(Mike coughing)" " Oh." " Where are you going?" "Away from him." "Why are you all panicking?" "We're immune, remember?" "We're all safe." "Not all of us." "Oh, my God." "What about our babies?" "TODD:" "There is no guarantee that those babies will be immune to the virus." "Yeah, Tandy." "Do you want to give the virus to the babies, you dumb son of a bitch?" "Oh, Gail, have a drink!" "(throwing her voice):" "I agree with Erica." "Who said that?" "Todd?" "Thank you for seconding Erica's statement." "I agree with Todd and Erica." "Look, I am telling you, Mike is fine." "I'm out of here." "On your tail." " Wha..." " Wait for me." "Takes me a little longer to get up these days." "Already on the second trimester of my first week." "You're going, too?" "Sorry, Tandy, but I don't think we can afford to take a chance here." "So we're just gonna leave him, huh?" "We're just gonna let him wake up all alone and try to piece together what the hell happened?" "We can't be stupid about this." "Well, maybe there's a way to be smart and stupid at the same time." "(coughing)" "Sup, dawg?" "Don't be alarmed." "Why on earth would I be alarmed?" "(chuckles) That's the spirit." "Hey, why don't you come on into the living room and have a seat, huh?" "ERICA:" "Oh, Jenga!" "(Tandy clears throat)" "Look who I found, huh?" "What do you say we go join the group, huh?" "Right this way." "Don't be shy." "If you guys could make a little room." "Nice of Melissa to clear you a little spot there." "Hey, Mike." "Hi." "So how was your little nappy-poo?" "Do I have the virus?" "Well, I mean, you know..." "Maybe." "Okay, yeah." "Look, l-look." "These guys think that there's, uh, you know, just a-a small possibility that you might just have, like, a-a teeny-tiny touch of the virus." " Just-just a smidgen, really." " Okay." "Okay, okay." "I mean, we're not worried." "I mean, not one bit." "Yeah, you guys reek of confidence." "So I assume that thing's for me, huh?" "Hey, look, we're doing this 'cause we care about you." "We just have to be careful, you know?" "So why don't you just pop in there, ride out this cold, and one day, we'll all laugh at this like hyenas." "(chuckles)" "Where do I go to the bathroom?" "Oh, don't worry." "We got that all taken care of." "(quietly):" "Todd, go get me a bucket." "This is gonna be great, bud." "Yeah, we're just gonna have a nice normal night." "And who knows?" "Maybe you'll even have a little fun along the way." " TODD:" "Miley Cyrus!" " MELISSA:" "Yes!" "Uh, okay, this guy's dead from the virus." " Lead singer of U2." " Uh, Bono!" "Yes!" "Okay." "Um, this guy's regular dead." "Uh, "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn."" " Uh, Clark Gable!" " Yes." " Five seconds!" " Okay, okay, okay, um... dead New England Patriots quarterback, married to the dead model, both from the virus." " Tom Brady!" " Yes!" " TANDY:" "Time!" " Yes!" "Guys, do we have to say that the person's dead every single time?" "You know, it just seems like a major buzz kill." "Well, an even bigger buzz kill is losing the game due to lack of clarity." "You want to go, Mike?" "Uh, no, no, I'm fine." "Aw, come on, Chef Miyagi." "Come on, come on." "Mike, Mike..." "ALL (chanting):" "Mike, Mike, Mike..." "O..." "Okay, okay, okay, all right." " Ready, go." " Okay." "Um, I'm not sure how to describe this person." " Enrique Iglesias!" " No." "Julio Iglesias!" "Let him get a clue out." "I got a method!" "Uh, just pass." "Pass on this one." "Pass." "(coughs)" "Okay, uh, this person was on Seinfeld." "Seinfeld!" " No, close." " Glenn Close!" "No, I-I don't know if you're gonna get this one." "It just says, um," ""The dead guy who played Newman."" "I don't know, um..." "Hey, can we maybe do something else, maybe?" "Just..." "What's wrong, Mike?" "It's just a little weird, you know, just..." "The suits." "It's the friggin' suits." "I knew it." "Well, you know what?" "This..." "Tandy, no!" "No." "Look, it's fine, okay?" "He has a cold." "That's it." "Now, look at this." "I'm taking my friggin' suit off, and the world is still turning." "All right?" "So what do you say?" "Does anybody else want to join me?" "So this is actually a pretty typical second date for me, you know." " (chuckles)" " Yeah." "You know, first date, always hibachi, and then the second date, I like to invite a lady back to my quarantine bubble, and, you know..." "Mm. (chuckles)" "Yeah, you're a real smooth operator, Mike." "(both laugh)" "(coughs)" "(sniffles)" "(clears throat)" "Sorry my sickness is, uh, you know, scaring you." "I'm not worried." "Yeah, I think I'm coming around to Tandy's theory." "It's just a cold." "Would it be okay if I, uh..." "It would." "Hang on, let's..." "let's do this right." "(chuckles)" "TANDY:" "Ooh!" "(all oohing)" "(whooping)" "Oh, my God, you guys, hurry!" "Come quick!" "Oh, farts." "Oh, you poor little thing." "Your mama's gone, but you still got us." "Has Mike been around this cow?" "He was milking it today." "He has to go, now." "There's no way the virus could take down a cow in, like, six hours." "Then how else do you explain it?" "Uh, you know, uh, uh..." "It could have been old age." "Uh, the cow could have had, like, some congenital hoof disorder." "Uh, hell, could have been this little guy!" "I mean, look at him and those demon eyes." "No, Tandy." "That cow survived the virus just like us, and now look at her." "I'm with Melissa." "Three strikes, you're out." "Let's do this." "But you... oh, wait!" "You forgot your friggin' pitchforks and your torches!" "Hey, whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What's going on?" "!" "I'm sorry, bud." "We're moving you, all right?" " What?" "What?" "Why?" "What happened?" "!" " We got him." " Get out of here!" " Come on, guys..." "Get away from him!" "What are you doing?" "!" "If you move him, you're gonna have to move me, too." "Great." "Todd, move Tandy." "Todd!" "I friggin' love you, man." "But if you take one more step, I will friggin' rip you apart." "Phil, if they want me to go, I'll just go." "No!" "Mike, you're staying right here." "This is my brother." "Okay?" "My own flesh and blood." "Until two weeks ago," "I thought I had lost him forever." "What are the chances?" "The entire world dies..." "there's seven of us... and my brother shows up." "That is not a coincidence." "I said good-bye to him once." "I am not gonna do it again." "He has a friggin' cold." "(coughing)" "Come on, we got to find a house for the night." "You mind if I stay with Mike tonight?" " All right?" " Okay, it's fine." "Just be careful." "You're the best." "You're the best." "CAROL:" "Okay, Mike." "Good night." "Night." "Phil, come on." "Maybe I should just go away for a while, all right?" "It's a cold, Mike." "It's a cold." "Yeah." "All right, you want to get some sleep?" "Sure." "What do you think, 69 or 11?" "Why don't we start with 11 and go from there." "Sure." "(sniffles)" "(sighs)" "You want to do one for old time's sake?" "(coughs)" "♪ I don't know you ♪" "BOTH: ♪ But I want you ♪" "♪ All the more for that ♪" "(coughs)" "♪ Words fall through me ♪" "♪ Always fool me ♪" "♪ And I can't react... ♪" "(coughs)" ""So long, Phil." "Didn't want you to have to say good-bye again.""