"Hey, baby." "Vic." "Oh, my God." "You don't have your crutches." "What?" "Oh." "Oh, God." "Ohh!" "[ laughs ]" "Mmm." "See what I did there?" "Why are you looking all gorgeous?" "I am going to meet my mother, so I'll catch you later." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Wait!" "What, you want some more lovin'?" "No!" "Your mom?" "You know what?" "I think it's time." "I think I'm ready to meet her." "Uh, no, maybe not." "Hunh-unh." "No, no, come on." "Listen, I know all this time I've been saying that I'm not ready because I wasn't sure about us, but now, you and me, me and you, together and happy " " I mean, she's got to be wondering why we've been together all this time and I've never asked to meet her." "No, no, she's cool with it." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "But -- but -- but -- but I'm ready to meet her." "B-b-b-but she's not, you see?" "That's kind of why you haven't met her." "She doesn't want to meet me?" "Why wouldn't she want to meet me?" "Well, my mom is kind of, uh -- she has this idea that, uh [ clears throat ] well, she thinks you're a tramp." "[ chuckles ]" "Excuse me?" "Yeah, yeah, a big ho, actually." "Um, seems to have a little problem with the fact that you went and got drunk and married me on the first date." "Me?" "!" "You did that, too, okay?" "So that makes you a man ho." "Honey, maybe in time, okay?" "No, no, no." "Not in time." "Okay, Val, please, trust me." "I know my mom, okay," "And we should really wait until she's ready." "No, you trust me, okay?" "You bring her here." "I need to meet her." "She needs to see that I am not the harlot that she thinks I am." "Harlot?" " Harlot." " Okay." "Quit it!" "Now, come on." "Just bring her here." "Okay, except, honey, she won't come." "Yes, she will, if you don't tell her that this is my bakery." "Okay, look -- here's what you're gonna do." "Bring her here, and then I'm gonna charm the crap out of her." "I'm gonna force that old broad to love with me, damn it." "That's not the charming part." " See you later." " Bye." "Are you done?" "Are you full?" "That's a lot of bacon." "You've been chewing for a while." "What is the big rush?" "You said you didn't have to meet Robyn for another half-hour." "Come on, baby." "I haven't seen you all week." "Well, you're about to see a whole lot more of me." "Come on." "What?" "[ gasps ]" "Oh, my gosh!" "You're on a bus bench?" "!" "Vince, look how big your head is!" "I have a big head!" "People trust people with big heads." "Yes!" "You know what?" "You're right!" "Who wouldn't buy an apartment from that big head?" "What is her head doing next to your head?" "Well, I didn't want to tell you until it was final, but Robyn thought it would be a good idea if we became partners." "Oh." "Partners." "Super!" "Super partners!" "Holly, I know you're a little worried about Robyn, but it's so all about business with us, and I'm so excited." "She's teaching me so much, and this is so good." "Oh, you know what?" "Who isn't excited?" "It's the coolest thing ever, Vince." "Now, go have fun at work and say hello to your partner, Robyn." "I love you." "I love you." "[ smooches ]" "But you -- hmm." "♪ What I like about you ♪" "♪ You really know how to dance ♪" "♪ When you go up, down, jump around ♪" "♪ Talk about true romance ♪" "♪ Yeah ♪" "♪ Keep on whisperin' in my ear ♪" "♪ Tell me all the things that I wanna hear ♪" "♪ 'Cause it's true ♪" "♪ That's what I like about you ♪" "♪ That's what I like about you ♪" "♪ That's what I like about you, you, you ♪" "♪ That's what I like about you ♪" "♪ That's what I like about you ♪" "♪ That's what I like about ♪" "♪ Uh-huh ♪" "♪ Uh-huh ♪" "♪ It's what I like about you ♪" "Oh." "Oh, God." "There's the mother." "Oh, yeah." "She's had work." "She looks mean." "Maybe I " "Go, go, go, go, go." "Okay." "Okay, fine." "You don't have to meet her." "What can I do you for?" "Uh, you know what?" "We decided we're not gonna stay, but thank you anyway." "Why don't we ask her?" "Ma, no." "Miss, what if your baby went off to some godforsaken place like Atlantic City, met a floozy, and an hour later married her?" "Wouldn't you want to kill yourself?" "Well, uh, gosh." "I'd want to meet the girl first, 'cause I'm sure the son, if he were yours, would pick a sweet, poised, conservative, classy gal -- one who's just going through a rough patch." "Oh, God, you're her." "Hi." "Yeah." "Uh, Ma, this is..." "Val, my wife." "And, um, Val, this is my mom -- don't say anything mean -- Eileen." "Vic, it's okay." "Your mother has every right to feel angry." "She missed one of the biggest moments of your life." "I'm sure you're very disappointed, and I am very much partly to blame for that." "The good news is I'm sure he's going to marry again." "Mom, why don't you and I go?" "I'll take you for a nice lunch." "No, no, no." "You go." "Leave your mother with me." "She and I need to spend some time getting to know each other." "Oh, God." "See?" "She wants to, too." "[ chuckles ]" "Uh, Val, are you sure that you " "Yeah, yeah, I got it, baby." "Go." "Um, Mom, you know, I would really love it if you two would get to know each other." "For you, baby, anything." "Okay." "Thanks, Mom." "Oh, we're going to get to know each other." "Ow, ow, ow." "Mrs. Meladeo, the owner sent this over for you, and, may I say, she's a generous, thoughtful, considerate, untrampy " "Okay, thanks for the wine, Gary." "Mm-hmm." "All righty." "Uh, to new beginnings." "No, thank you." "Come on." "I find that when people drink, they like me so much more." "Okay, look, I get it." "I understand why you don't like me, why you wouldn't want to open up and have a toast with me, because when people share a toast, that means they like each other and they're friends." "Or sometimes it's just because it's too painful and hopeless." "[ laughs ]" "So, once Vince's head gets big from seeing his big old head on that bench, you think they're gonna have to make a bigger bench to fit his bigger head?" "Is someone a little jealous?" "No, I think you got it the other way around." "Bam!" "It's hot chocolate, served by hot chocolate." "Ugh!" "Ugh!" "Did you see the atrocity?" "How could you miss it?" "Vince and that Robyn are plastered all over the city." "Okay." "So, we got to get us some giant sharpies." "I'm thinking black teeth and her original nose." "Oh, come on, Holly." "You're better than that." "[ sighs ] You're right." "[ gasps ]" "How about Dumbo ears and a Hitler moustache?" "No, I mean you need to come up with a smarter plan to deal with the whole Robyn situation." "Wait, wait -- you don't think I have a plan?" "Oh, I have a plan." "Hey, Holly." "I think the mom's starting to dig me." "[ gasps ] Good!" "See?" "That is my plan -- you keep your friends close and your enemies closer." "Exactly." "Feeling a little less pain, mama?" "So I invited Robyn to lunch because the more time that she spends with me..." "The less time she spends with Vince." "Genius." "Oh, I know." "Oh, my God, biatch is coming." "Biatch is coming!" "Shh!" "You got to act all -- hi!" "Hi, Holly." "Hey..." "Tina." "Nice to meet you." "We've met like six times, but..." "So, congratulations on the whole bus bench and partnership." "Oh, I haven't seen my partner all day." "Why is that, hon?" "Well, we were supposed to have a business lunch, but then you called me, and, well, here I am." "[ chuckles ]" "Nice." "Listen, before we order," "I really have to go to the little girls' room." "Would you mind watching my stuff?" "Not a problem, girlfriend, and you take as long as you need in there!" "Like slutty putty in my hands." "Okay." "Tina, what are you doing?" "Now that we're all friends, I'm going through her stuff." "We cannot look at her pictures... unless the pictures fall on the floor, and, you know, girlfriend would have to pick them up." "[ clears throat ]" "It looks like it was her birthday or something." "Well, I guess that is proof that she was born and not sent here from hell." " Oh, my God." " What?" "[ gasps ] Oh, my God." "Vince." "Wait." "When were these pictures taken?" "Well, it looks like they were at a Chili's and there's a platter of ribs, so it could be rib Wednesday." "Wait." "Look at the date in the corner." "Or there's that." "[ gasps ]" "That was yesterday." "But Vince said that he was working late at the office." "[ gasps ]" "Liar!" "It is gonna be awkward getting through the rest of lunch knowing that she went out with your boyfriend last night." "Oh, there will be no rest of the lunch." "Well..." "what are you gonna do?" "Ho-ho!" "Ho-ho!" "Hah." "You have no idea." "No-ho." "Oh, here." "You want some more?" "Oh, well, you're doing it yourself." "All right." "Ooh-wee, it's been a long time since I've downed a bottle of wine with a girlfriend." "Oh, I'm your girlfriend?" "Yeah, why not?" "The rest of mine are dead. [ crying ]" "Oh, God, you're serious." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "It's just the booze talking." "Oh, speaking of which," "I don't think we should mention our little happy hour to Vic." "Oh, why not?" "He'll be so happy we bonded." "Yeah." "Maybe if I wasn't an alcoholic." "Say what, mama?" "My name is Eileen." "I'm an alcoholic." "[ laughs ]" "Four years, three months, two weeks -- totally blown." "Ohh." "Ahh." "Oh, my God, why didn't you tell me?" "I never would have " "Oh, honey, it's all right." "You know what they say -- one day at a time." "Boy, this day is shot." "[ laughs ]" "Well, I'm just gonna go in and powder my nose, and then we'll go to a real bar." "Oh, my God, Lauren." "All I wanted was to get her to like me, and look what happened?" "Yeah, I know!" "You guys are besties!" "That is because she is an alcoholic and I just pushed her off the wagon!" "Oh, God, everything is such a mess." "I was gonna charm her, you know -- take her uptown, buy her a scarf, a brooch, maybe some Jean Nate splash -- you know, mom stuff." "Honey, believe me, things could be worse." "How could things be worse, Lauren?" " Hey, baby." " That would be your example." "I came to rescue you." "Now, admit it -- my mom is a piece of work, huh?" "More like a piece of delightful. [ chuckles ]" " Where you going?" " I'm going to the bathroom." "No, you can't do that." "Yeah, I can." "I've had a lot to drink today." "Apple, far, tree." "Uh, Lauren, when the plumber finishes in the bathroom," "I need you to take him directly outside so as not to allow any of our customers to see him, for he's very schmutzy." "Hmm." "Our plumber, meaning...?" "That's the one." "Good." "Hi." "So, where is she?" "Who's that, hon?" "My mother." "Oh, she's a doll." " Yeah." "So, where is she?" " Where is she?" "Where would she be?" "Uh, she's shopping." "Yes, and I am gonna meet her in 15 minutes." "Wow!" "That is amazing!" "You did it!" "How did you do it?" "Well, let's just say I..." "Oh!" "...missed you so much today!" "Uh...well, I'm good." "This is not the time or place for that." "All right, but they're already faxing in offers on that property." "Okay." "[ inhales sharply ] There are no offers." "See how I did that?" "Oh, baby, I miss you." "Mm-hmm." "Of course you do." "Because you are always working. [ chuckles ]" "Like last night, when you were working late at the office." "Yeah." "Huh." "What is it exactly that you do at the office?" "I just want to get a mental picture." "You know, uh, filing, escrow stuff, check mortgage rates." "Oh, interesting." "Do you ever check mortgage rates in a Chili's?" "What?" "I saw a picture of you and Robyn, but not on a bench, at a Chili's, dated last night while you were supposed to be at the office." "Holly, it was " "Nuh-unh-ugh!" "You were having a beer, she a margarita!" "Look, it was a work thing." "It wasn't just me and Robyn." "Everyone was there." "Oh, oh, oh, okay." "So, everyone was there?" "Hmm, wait." "Uh, I didn't see me in the pictures!" "Why did you lie to me?" "Because of this." "Every time I even mention Robyn's name, you do this." "I'm trying to avoid this!" "I have every reason to do this!" "Don't you see?" "She is trying to seduce you." " Come on, Holly." " She is!" "I am telling you, she wants you." "She was even looking at you in the pictures with the tilted head -- total come-on head!" "You know what?" "I can't even be around you right now." "Oh, I can't be around you even more!" "Too bad for me, your freakin' giant head is everywhere!" "Ooh!" " Hey, Vin." " Hey." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah, everything's cool." "You know what?" "No, it's not." "Holly and I just got into this stupid fight." "Oh, no." "What happened?" "She thinks there's something going on between us." " Us?" " I know." "I am so sorry she thinks that." "You guys will work it out." "Let's go to the office." "We need to run through the contracts." "Oh, I'll grab us a cab." "Oh, God." "It's rush hour." "It's gonna take us forever to get to the office." "Well, I live right upstairs." "We could finish them there." "Oh, yeah, whatever." "That's cool." "Lauren, how are we gonna get her to stay here once she realizes that the bar we brought her to is really an A.A. meeting?" "You give her another drink." "No, this is serious, okay?" "I have got to put her back on that wagon." "All right." "I put my face on." "So, are you girls ready to party?" "Okay, Eileen, I just want you to know that I brought you here because I care about you." "Right." "Okay." "First round on me." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "!" "I..." "I..." "I'm so sorry, Eileen." "I just felt so horrible about what happened earlier," "I just wanted to help you get back on track." "Oh, my God." "That guy is cute!" "I should ask him out for a drink " " I mean pie." "How 'bout you just stay out of my business?" "No, no." "Okay?" "Now, look." "You are Vic's mother, and he is my husband, and that makes this my business, so you -- get in there, lady." "You know what?" "I don't like you anymore." "You know what?" "I don't care anymore, all right?" "But we are family." "Like it or not, I am gonna be in your life for a long time." "That's right " "I'm talking Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve." "We'll skip New Year's Eve, 'cause that's a big boozing holiday." "But if you need somebody to hold your drinking hand to keep it busy, I will sit with you all night long if that's what it takes, 'cause we're family." "You don't sound like a tramp." "I'm not a tramp." "I'm a nice girl." "And I love your son." "I'm starting to see that." "But not double, right?" "[ both laugh ]" "So, you want to go in there or what?" "Val, now that we're so close, maybe we could keep my little slip between us?" "What slip?" "Ohh." "Are you coming in, Mrs. Meladeo?" "Uh, hello." "It's anonymous." "I'm sorry " " Eileen." "Hot chocolate break." "Special recipe passed down by my grandma." "But I'll tell you the secret." "Two packets." "Listen, I felt really bad about causing a fight between you and Holly." "I sent her some flowers and an apology note." "Hope it helps." "You sent Holly flowers?" "That was really cool of you." "Ohh!" "I am such a klutz -- just arms and legs, like Daddy always says." "You can rinse that off in the bathroom." "Do you have a robe or something I could put on?" "No, I usually just air-dry." "But you can borrow a pair of sweatpants and a shirt." "Thanks." "Gardenias? "I'm so sorry."" "Vince." "No, I'm sorry." "[ sniffs ]" "I love him." "I hope you don't mind." "I used your toothbrush to scrub out the stain so it wouldn't set." " Which toothbrush?" " Purple." "[ chuckles ] Gary's." "Hey, this escrow period is a joke." "We need to get this down to 45 days or this deal is off." "Wow!" "Listen to you." "You've turned into such a mogul." "Today I was so impressed." "You were amazing." "Boy, you don't take no for an answer, do you?" "Oh, my God." "Holly." "Holly, wait." "Robyn and I were working, and she spilled something on her dress." "Okay." "So she had to change into something dry?" "Ha!" "The "spill"!" "It is a classic right out of the ho handbook." "Will you just admit that she's after you?" " She's not." " She is!" "Are you and I gonna have this argument every time?" "Just when she's in your pants!" "I'm at a loss, then, because Robyn and I are partners, and that's not gonna change, so you tell me, what are we supposed to do?" "Okay." "Well, you know what?" "If your situation with Robyn is not gonna change, then, obviously, something else is gonna have to." "Vince..." "I think that you and I should... think about what we're gonna do." "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" "What do you think I'm saying?" "I think you're saying we should take some time to think about what we're going to do." "Why are we beating around the bush?" "Obviously, what we need to do is... think." "About what we're going to do." "Okay." "So, it's decided, then?" "You and I are officially... thinking." "I guess I shouldn't wear this while we're thinking." "Val gave you that." "Oh." "Then we're good." "Oh, I am so glad Eileen is back on track." " To Eileen." " Yeah." "Wow." "The guys are so much hotter at A.A." "than they are at Overeaters Anonymous." "Well, well, well." "You were right." "My mother is in love with you." "What did you give her?" " Nothing!" " Nothing!" "Come on, baby." "I want to know." "Oh, well, why are you asking me so many questions?" "We had fun." "We laughed." "I was charming." "The end." "No, baby, come on." "I want to know." "Because, I mean, this morning she hated you." "What happened?" "Why are you so up in my grille?" "I just wanted to know what you did, okay?" "Just -- ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!"