"CAR BEEPS" "Beep, beep." "Being a dick?" "What?" "You." "Playing detective." "Oh, right." "No, I was just taking some shots of the new dish." "Oh, well take one of me." "SHE GIGGLES That looks good." "Yes, you can have that." "I'm done with it." "Ooh!" "Yep, yep, yep." "What can I do for you, Celia?" "How are we looking for the Health and Safety assessment?" "Good, fine, yes." "Did most of it last night - grease traps, drains." "Got rid of the dead body." "SHE LAUGHS That's what I like to hear!" "Did I ever tell you how Jack and I found a dead body in San Domingo?" "Er, possibly." "One of our investment properties." "Hadn't been there for over a year." "And there he was - our house manager." "Ripe as a melon." "Teeth digging through skin, maggots in the eyeballs - like something out of Indiana Jones." "It took us weeks to get the stink out of the cushions." "Right." "Weeks." "We don't want anything like that happening today, do we?" "No, no we don't." "Excellent, excellent." "I knew I could count on you." "C-Celia?" "Yes?" "Nothing, fine." "Nothing." "BANGING" "Yes, I will, I'll see you this afternoon, I promise." "Yes." "But, yes, baby..." "No, I have to go." "No, not because of you, but because I have to." "Just..." "OK, OK." "Bye-bye." "Mmm?" "No, I can't." "I love you more than sunshine and raindrops." "When you've..." "When you've..." "WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED THAT!" "I want you to scrub the walk-in fridge." "No." "Pardon?" "I said no." "We have a Health and Safety assessment today," "I need you to scrub the walk-in fridge." "Do you?" "OK, Skoose, you do understand how this works, do you?" "I tell you what to do and you do it, because you're an apprentice." "And you're a virgin." "A..." "Mmm." "OK, I'm married." "Scrub the fridge!" "No." "Scrub it!" "Please!" "Right, you..." "Warning." "I..." "I'll scrub the fridge this time!" "But..." "Noted." "Bye!" "What are you doing?" "Scrubbing the fridge for the assessment." "What are you doing that for?" "Get Skoose to do it." "He won't do it." "What do you mean he won't do it?" "I mean I asked him to do it and he said no." "Tell him to do it." "I did." "And he called me a virgin." "HE LAUGHS" "It's not funny, Roland." "You can't see what he's doing!" "Bib, stop." "Stop." "Bib!" "Just leave that." "Calm down." "Don't worry about the assessment." "It'll be Colin Sampson again." "I'll just bung him a bottle of vintage red, it'll be tick, tick, tick." "It's not just that!" "I..." "Oi, you." "Stop giving him a hard time." "What, Chef?" "Stop picking on your sous-chef, he's meant to be picking on you." "Yes, Chef." "Sorry, Chef." "Sorry, Bib." "I was bang out of order." "Verging on disrespectful." "There!" "What?" "There, he hid it within the sentence, did you hear it?" "I'm a virgin!" "What is wrong with you today, Bib?" "I need a holiday." "What?" "I need to go on holiday with my wife, because we're trying to have a baby and I'm never going to be able to give her one all the time I'm coming in here every single day," "standing at that hot stove, burning my balls to oblivion." "So if you could please just check the roster, let me know as soon as it's convenient, that would be most appreciated, thank you, Chef." "You've just had a holiday." "My last holiday was four years ago." "You went to Marrakesh." "Yes, four years ago, for three days." "How long do you need for Marrakesh?" "Buy a fez, look at the bloke with a monkey on his head." "Roland, can you just look at the roster, please?" "For me." "I really just need to get away somewhere." "All right, Charley Boorman, I'll have a look." "I haven't got time now, got an assessment." "Big day." "Come on, chop, chop." "Kiki, what exactly is this?" "It's a magical snail archer." "Yes, I can see what it is, but what's he doing in my reservations book?" "He's shooting an arrow into that starling's eye." "Of course." "Stand by your beds." "They're good, Caroline." "I didn't do them." "Of course not, if you'd done them they'd be of robots and industry and a little girl trapped in a tower." "Kiki drew them in my reservations book." "Well done, Kiki, very talented." "I like the little French spider." "Did you get that from his jumper?" "And the onions." "Did you see his bike's got eight pedals?" "Roland, what do you want?" "Just wanted to make sure everything's shipshape for the assessment." "Yes, yes, we're all fine in here, thank you." "You say that, but I've spotted one breach already." "What?" "Jewellery." "This?" "You're not above the rules, Caroline." "Lose it." "This isn't jewellery, Roland, this is a charity wristband." "Yeah, a charity wristband that could drag you into that blender." "That has not and will not ever happen to anybody." "Yeah, probably what she said, just before she slipped and put her hand in a deep fat fryer." "Look at this guy." "Mamma mia!" "ROLAND CHUCKLES" "Roland, this is for Parkinson's disease, it's National Parkinson's Disease Day." "And?" "And my father was recently diagnosed with the disease." "But no, you're quite right, of course," "I wouldn't want to end up in a blender." "Sorry." "I'm a knob." "Yes, you are." "I had no idea." "It's fine, why would you?" "Exactly." "How is he?" "He has good days and bad days." "Does he?" "Poor old dad." "Yes." "How are you coping?" "I'm OK." "I mean, thank God I've got Robin, he's been amazing." "Has he?" "Good old Robin, and his wellies." "I don't know what I would have done without him." "You'd have been all right." "I don't know how he does it, really - caring for dad and keeping work going." "He's got a farm to run." "Well, farm let." "Well, you've always got me." "So, Dad, is he... really, you know... shaky?" "SHE LAUGHS" "Roland, you don't have to pretend to care." "No, I do care, I think it's awful." "It's a terrible, terrible disease, the way it can just strike anyone at any time." "I remember how shocked I was when I heard about Michael J Parkinson." "It's Michael J Fox." "(Fox.)" "Aw!" "What are you doing?" "!" "What are you doing?" "!" "I'm sorry." "Did I get you?" "Did you get me?" "!" "You're in big trouble now, my man." "What are you going to do, tell Chef?" "You spangle." "Right, now you listen to me, OK?" "You little f..." "I have been doing this for 12 years, Skoose, 12 years!" "Yes?" "I have been cut, burned, screamed at, I have sweated and bled to get behind this pass, and if you think I'm going to let some jumped up little... tit-gypsy get the better of me then you are way off, buddy!" "Way off!" "I have cooked more dinners than you have had..." "Did you just call me a tit-gypsy?" "Everything all right?" "Yes, Chef, just cleaning down." "No!" "No!" "Why are you pretending everything is OK?" "We are not in a prison film!" "Bib?" "Can I have a word?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Settle down, Billy the bin-kicker." "I ever get a tumour, I'm naming it after him." "Do you want me to get rid of him?" "Pardon?" "Is that what you want?" "Would you?" "Absolutely, yeah, not a problem." "He's gone, he's out of here." "I mean I can't, not really, because we need everyone, but I would, for you, if it would make you happy." "But I can't." "Look, go home." "What?" "Take the rest of the day off." "In fact, don't come back till Monday morning, I can manage without you for a few days, we'll shuffle a few people." "Go and have your holiday." "Really?" "Yes." "Really." "Thank you, Roland." "Oh, who scored a goal?" "Roland, Health and Safety officer is waiting in your office." "Good, good." "Get this over and done with." "Send me a postcard." "Colin." "You're not Colin." "No, I'm not." "Where's Colin?" "If you're referring to Mr Samson, he was fired." "What?" "Why?" "For taking bribes." "What a dirty, dirty man." "I will be conducting the assessment today, Mr White." "My name is Heather Critch." "What a lovely name." "Could I offer you a coffee, Mrs Critch?" "It's Ms. Of course." "Milk, no sugar, thank you." "Right." "So, Mr White, I'm sure you've done this before, but just for the record," "I will need you to take me through your major food preparation areas one by one." "No clean mugs." "Can I get you anything else at all?" "Cake or a biscuit?" "I think I've got a Penguin in a drawer somewhere?" "Burr!" "And then I will conduct a thorough evaluation of your major safety drills and procedures." "Fun." "So, perhaps we should get on." "Where do you want this fella?" "Got a bit lively, this one." "Old Steve McQueen here tried to make a break for it." "Shouldn't affect the taste too much, but you might want to pick the shot out of his arse before you cook him." "Thanks, Melvin." "Oh, and make sure you get the bag back to me, yeah?" "I've got squash on Thursday." "# If we took a holiday, oh, yeah" "# Uh-huh Took some time to celebrate" "# Come on and celeb... #" "You quit?" "No." "Shame." "No, I'm just going away for a few days." "Oh, where you going, gay land?" "Ha!" "No." "I'll tell you where's good." "Playa de las Americas, Tenerife." "I've got a mate out there owns a bar." "You know Lineker's Bar?" "It's three doors down from that." "Right." "It's called the Bell Jar." "After the Sylvia Plath novel?" "Wouldn't have thought so." "I'll give you his number, if you like, sort of you out with anything." "Pills, bit of toot." "Mmm, that is tempting." "But, um, I think we're probably just going to stay in this country." "Sarah's a little concerned with our carbon footprint." "Your what?" "Doesn't matter." "So where are you going, then?" "Thinking about Derwentwater, up in the Lake District." "Lots of castles and old forts, might even catch the tail-end of the egret migration." "The what?" "The egret migration." "Right, so you're going somewhere freezing cold where it pisses down all day to watch a load of ducks leave that place to go somewhere nice and hot?" "Egrets aren't ducks!" "ELECTRICITY HUMMING" "Amazing, isn't it, how much electricity's in one of those?" "Antibacterial gel hand dispenser." "That's the third one I've found empty." "Yes, I had those emptied." "Really?" "May I ask why?" "Same reason they're getting rid of them in hospitals." "Tramps." "Pardon?" "Tramps coming in, drinking from them for the alcohol, using them as optics." "Glug-glug-glug-glug-glug." "It's awful, that." "Get a lot of tramps passing through here, do you, Mr White?" "You'd be surprised." "Let's move on to your fire-drill procedures." "So who is your fire officer?" "I thought if I illustrated the dangers of fire, people would take it more seriously, like on cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" "Yeah." "I got the idea from my cousin Michael." "Right..." "You know those pictures on the packets of cigarettes with a pair of horrible, blackened lungs with all pussy ooze coming out?" "Er, yes..." "They're Michael's." "Our famous cousin." "# If you wanna be a singer or play guitar" "# Man, you gotta sweat or you won't get far" "# Cos you're never too late to work nine to five" "# If you..." "Or just compromise" "# You can work real hard or just fantasise" "# Cos you never start living till you realise" "# I gotta tell ya!" "#" "MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello?" "Hey, baby." "Yes, yeah, nearly home." "Halfway there." "Hm?" "The...camera?" "It's, er, at work." "Roland used it, didn't he, for the..." "Yeah." "Oh, you really think we'll need it?" "Egrets, right, yes." "I'm..." "Yeah." "Yeah, I could go back and get it." "Yeah." "No, no, that's not annoying at all." "Yeah." "No, I just, um..." "I'll just swing it around." "You love that pad, don't you?" "Lots of writing." "Lots to write about." "Can't be that bad, can it?" "Nobody's died." "Can I use some of your gaffer tape, please, Chef?" "Er, use the official blue plasters from our well-stocked and lockable first-aid cabinet." "The what?" "The tin." "The biscuit tin." "Oh, er..." "Yes, Chef." "I'll cut to the chase, Mr White." "I've already seen several things here today that breach health and safety regulations, sixteen counts in all, five of them serious." "Right." "So what's the worst that's going to happen?" "We just do a big clean?" "The worst?" "No, the worst that can happen is that you'll be closed down and prosecuted." "Oh." "Oh, I need a drink." "Do you drink, Heather?" "On occasion." "Would you like some of this drink?" "I'll ignore that last comment, Mr White." "So I will be submitting my full report in the morning, and you'll be hearing from us in due course." "But if you could just sign there." "Is that Parkinson's?" "Pardon?" "The wristband." "Er, yes, it's, er, National Parkinson's Day." "I see." "My mother is a sufferer." "Really?" "Oh, that must be really, really terrible for you." "I know how you must feel... ..because I'm in the club." "I can just come back." "I can just come back." "Your brother?" "Yeah." "There he is." "That's us, me and Bob." "Alton Towers, '05." "I'm his carer, you see." "I look after him." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's a bloody tough thing to do, trying to care for someone and keep work going." "Indeed." "But I just love him so much." "Of course!" "Of course you do!" "And it's really hard when it's close family, isn't it?" "Yeah." "This is a bit weird." "Who'd have thought we'd bond over something like this?" "Is it very advanced?" "Oh, you know, he has good days and bad days." "Look, Ms Critch " "Heather " "I think it's time for me to be honest with you." "Maybe I have taken my eye off the ball a bit recently." "But it's been a real strain, you know, juggling this place with looking after him at the same time." "Oh, yes!" "Yes, I can imagine." "Roland, sorry." "I, um..." "Oh, what are you doing here?" "I've, er, left Sarah's camera." "What a lovely surprise." "Come to see your big brother at work?" "I thought I told you to stay at home, Bob." "Pardon?" "Come on, you, give me a hug." "(Pretend you've got Parkinson's.)" "What?" "Here he is in person, my little Parkinson's brother." "Like I said, he has good days and bad days." "This is a really good day." "Bob, this is Heather, the health and safety officer." "So lovely to meet you, Bob." "It's lovely to meet you, too." "Look, Roland, I know it's hard at the moment." "Just try and keep an eye on these things, OK?" "It is important stuff." "Yeah, I know it is, Heather." "Thank you for everything." "And, Bob, you stay brave!" "Yeah." "All done?" "How did we do?" "Good." "What's the matter with you?" "Ants in your pants?" "I'm only joking." "I'm sure there are no ants in our kitchen." "The rats have probably eaten them all!" "Right, Bib?" "Bob." "No, seriously, though, why are you shaking like that?" "Are you drunk?" "No." "I've g..." "I'm..." "Mr White's brother has Parkinson's disease." "Does he?" "Parkinson's?" "Your brother?" "Well, that is really, really, really shitty." "Thank you." "What a shitty disease." "Morning, Caroline." "Morning, Robin." "Hello, Roland." "She ignoring me?" "She might be." "How's things?" "Good, thank you, yeah." "Great." "And how's everything with Caroline's dad?" "Yeah, yeah, fine, fine." "He seems to be, er, having a good day today." "How's Bob?" "Yeah, that all seems to have cleared up." "Bye, darling." "She was going to close us down!" "MOBILE PHONE BEEPS" "Ta-da!" "Wow." "It's for a TV show." "And...action." "Rosemary, Chef." "Thanks, Skoose." "It's dry!" "It's my gel." "It looks wet, but it's dry." "I am going to put you officially in charge of that kitchen." "We're just about to open a place, actually, in Sydney, and I'm looking for a head chef." "Sydney?" "Somebody in this room is getting married." "And it's not me." "And it's not her." "And it's not her." "Is it Caroline?" "You guessed!" "# Oh, what do you know?" "# Since there's nothing above There must be something below" "# So take those pictures off the wall" "# No-one will believe you" "# Till your world starts to fall down. #"