"Ben, what are you..." "What are you doing?" "We're gonna have to put off breakfast this morning, dad." "And why is that?" "'Cause I gotta get this furniture rearranged." "Uh-huh." "To better center the energy in this room." "What are you talking about, Ben?" "I've been reading up on feng shui." "Yeah, I saw the book out." "The whole idea here is to get this kitchen re-ordered to be better suitable for spiritual energy." "I'm gonna need you to move over a little bit to the left." "Yeah, can't we do this in a little while, Ben?" "The first step to total enlightenment is uh..." "Furniture rearrangement." "That's what this feng shui stuff is all about." "That's just some guy trying to sell you some furniture." "I sense you're reluctant to get into this..." "No, I just would like a cup of coffee, is what I'm reluctant." "I'm much more interested in eastern and western philosophy..." "After a cup of coffee." "'Cause, for me, that is when life begins." "Maybe you should wait in the other room while I get this together and then uh..." "Okay, I'm just gonna grab a cup of... where's the coffee?" "The percolator is in the refrigerator now." "What I needed to do is get the toaster and some of the pots and pans more relatable to the refrigerator." "'Cause they're not hitting it off?" "Well, their energy was not good." "And I would love to take the shelving down." "You know, I'm excited that you've found something you can cling to." "I just think that I've tapped into something that's more meaningful." "I just wish it wasn't such a trendy thing, this feng shui thing, you know." "It's not necessarily trendy, it's been around for uh..." "Over 3 years." "This book was published in 1987..." "I know it's based on ancient..." "And Chinese culture goes back hundreds of years." "No, Ben it goes back much further..." "You know, dad, there's a lot about "chi" in this book." "What is chi again?" "Remind me." "It says chi is a uhh..." "Cosmic breath." "Yeah." "Speaking of cosmic breath, dad..." "Mint?" "Brush your cosmic teeth!" "Oh god, I'm kinda nervous!" "This is my first time at a marriage counselor" "I couldn't get my wife to come with me, so I guess uh... whew!" "I'll just tell you what's up." "I've been married about a year and a half and I have to say, just the marriage process alone was terrifying to me." "Things like the bridal registry." "Which is?" "This is... where you go into a department store and basically sign up for the things you want your friends to buy for you!" "I find that creepy!" "It's a very polite, socially acceptable way of saying" ""We love you, we want you to come to our wedding and celebrate our day but we don't trust your crappy taste." "Therefore, please peruse this 25-page computer print-out from the pottery barn!" "Item 2472-Z might make a good choice... in green!"" "So the wedding itself is over, how is the marriage going?" "My wife has been bugging me, and bugging me, and bugging me to get a second cat." "She is terrified that the first cat is going to become jealous of the baby and somehow kill it." "So she wants to get a second cat to distract our first cat from killing the baby." "Maybe I just have a more cynical world-view." "I think this would just provide our first cat with an evil henchman." ""Okay, you distract the two humans, I'll kill the baby!"" ""What do you mean distract them?" "You gotta be more specific!" "What do you mean distract them?"" ""You can spray, believe me, they'll go running." "I will get the child!"" "I love having a baby..." "Yeah." "What I am looking forward to is when my child goes through "the cape phase"." "That is gonna be so cute where they have to wear a cape..." "Usually a bath towel around their shoulders and they wear it everywhere and they're wearing a cape, they're Batman!" "You know, I went through a big cape phase there are pages and pages of my family photo album where I've got..." "The cape on!" "And that's where parents have to be their most understanding!" "I remember an uncle of mine had died and I wanted to wear my cape..." "To the funeral!" "Why not?" "Why wouldn't you wear a cape to a funeral?" "!" "And I remember my mother being so understanding and saying," ""Well, uncle Ed, has passed away and he's gone up to heaven and people are gonna be very sad, okay?" "They're gonna be crying, okay?" "We have a word, called 'inappropriate'." "I think it would be inappropriate for you to wear the superhero cape to uncle Ed's funeral."" "And that doesn't fly..." "That's not kid logic." "So I just exploded at her." ""Mom, I am 16-years-old!" "Don't tell me what I can and cannot wear to a funeral!" "I'm trying to find out who the hell I am, okay?" "If you need to talk to me I will be in the batcave a.k.a. My room!"" "Dr. Katz's office." "Hi, Laura, it's Ben, how ya doing?" "Okay, bye!" "Wait, wait, wait!" "I know this might surprise you, but uh..." "I'm very into feng shui." "Oh, really?" "Me too, actually." "Really?" "Uh-hmm." "You know what it is?" "Yeah." "I said feng shui." "Maybe you thought I was saying something in English." "But it's a Chinese thing." "I know!" "It's an eastern Phil..." "I know!" "So you know that it involves furniture..." "And moving objects in order to uhh..." "Maximize your tranquility?" "Uh-hmm." "Did you know about the contentment stuff and the Yin-Yang?" "Do you know about that?" "Uh-hmm." "Have you heard of umm..." "Mao Tse-Tung?" "What?" "Mao Tse-Tung, he was a Chinese leader..." "Hmm." "Yeah, I knew about him too, he's in the book!" "Huh." "So if you know feng shui, you must know about ling tang?" "Did you just make that up?" "Yeah!" "But honestly, you strike me as someone much more western than eastern." "Really?" "What about your apartment?" "Did you have your apartment set up like that?" "Uh-hmm." "You do?" "Yep!" "I should come over and check it out because uhh..." "I can tell you what maybe, what you did wrong." "I don't think it'd be a good idea, Ben!" "Yeah?" "I think it would disturb my tranquility." "Well, listen, I am uh..." "Getting together a feng shui study group tonight at uh..." "My place at 8:00 o'clock." "I don't know if you want to come by and we could exchange some uh..." "Um, I don't think so." "Some ideas and maybe meditate." "Do you do origami?" "That's Japanese!" "Chinese checkers?" "No!" "Just checkers?" "No!" "You ever play "bloody knuckles"?" "I gotta go." " Dad!" " Yes!" "It's Ben!" "Lay it on me!" "I bought some stuff today for the apartment!" "That's..." "I bought a beautiful center table which I think is going to really fix the living room space." "I didn't didn't notice that there was anything wrong with the living room space." "What happened was, the table that we have was too high and it was cutting off energy." "You mean the antique wooden table in our..." "Was that grandma's?" "Yeah." "That's gone!" "Okay." "I bought some wind chimes and two flutes." "Why just two flutes?" "'Cause uh, in the book, apparently 2 crossing flutes signifies prosperity..." "I think!" "Also I bought a..." "One of those fake fountains you plug it in and the water runs constantly." "A urinal!" "That is not a urinal!" "Have you been talking to Laura about this, Ben, because..." "I spoke to Laura about it, and Laura knew exactly what feng shui was..." "Feng shui." "I can't believe I'm correcting your pronunciation of this thing that I don't even know about." "Dad, it doesn't matter how you pronounce it..." "It's if you believe in it." "Oh I believe!" "Then it's gonna work for ya." "I believe to a tune of about a thousand bucks at this point!" "Dad, I have not racked up that much money!" "Well, the day is young!" "Well, I'm on chapter 2..." "There's 34 chapters left." "This place is gonna be way different!" "Dad, I'll tell you something, this stuff is so powerful this could change my life forever!" "Just by moving a couple of pieces of furniture" "I could be uh..." "Much more spiritual." "I mean I'm telling you, I broke a table I already felt better." "Maybe that's not really feng shui though." "That's just the pleasure in breaking stuff." "I have that." "Well, how are you, Harry?" "You know, I woke up with this really uhh..." "Feeling of being afraid." "Uh-huh." "Is that a good thing?" "Whatever gets you out of bed!" "Well, I wasn't afraid of bed." "Yeah?" "Let's come back to the dream, because I think that's worth exploring." "Yeah, umm..." "Have you spent much time in therapy?" "I had six years of a different form of analysis, yeah." "How would you characterize that?" "My uh, my analyst..." "He was more uh verbal than a lot of analysts." "But I mean, I shouldn't..." "Then you listen to people on the radio and those therapists sound very verbal so I guess there's a middle..." "You don't do radio?" "No, I don't, they're in show business they are often abusive to the people who call in." "I've noticed that!" "Yeah." "But you have a show business side too." "I've seen your act!" "Are you talking about "Koppleman 'n Katz"?" "Yeah, wow..." "I've seen that." "Well, Harry, that was 20 years ago we didn't really know what we were doing." "I mean..." "That was good!" "I'm not... folk is not my favorite genre, exactly but I thought that you sort of escaped the limits of the genre." "Yeah." "What do you uh..." "What are you saying?" "Well, it's limiting... because any sign of craft is suspect!" "Yes!" "And you know, what you brought to it was a sense of craft." "So there was a "faux kind of craftlessness" that masked the craft." "Well we, ahem, we used umm..." "Craftmaskers, which helped." "But I mean, do you get..." "Anyway, we should be..." "This is so inappropriate of me to let you..." "No, I know, I-I-I'm so..." "I mean..." "The dream was like..." "Scary but, I'm not scared!" "Right!" "Let me ask you, Harry, the first time you saw Koppleman 'n Katz when was it exactly and what were you feeling?" "You know, I-I'm a little embarrassed that you know about the existence of the band." "Oh, believe me, it's embarrassing for me, because" "I have this feeling that any existence of you outside this room is..." "Is embarrassing to me." "Yeah." "I have this fantasy that you stop existing when I leave the room." "Well traditionally, I shouldn't really exist in your mind, outside of this room." "But it's difficult, Harry, when you've achieved a certain amount of notoriety to maintain a low profile." "Are you talking about me?" "No, actually I was talking about me!" "Oh!" "See I think that my problem is that I'm... that respect we were talking about?" "That's why I got into show business and I don't think you can get respect for being in show business." "Well, see, I-I disagree." "I think..." "I have an enormous amount of respect for anybody who makes their living in show business." "It's such a competitive..." "Didn't you guys do a song that sort of sounded like "respect"?" "Yeah, we did, I think I know..." "I think I know the song you're talking about." "That's so astute of you because not many people picked up on that." "When you spelled out... what was the word you were spelling out?" ""Respectful"." "Uhm... yeah." "Geez, no one has ever noticed the similarity between that and "respect"." "Huh... that's probably just out of courtesy." "Good manners are so important." "Listen to this, dad..." "Huh?" "Dad?" "Wind chimes?" "Um-hmm." "I bought a lot of wind chimes!" "But we don't really have a way to put them outside so I hang 'em inside." "Well, open the window a crack." "I bought some fans..." "I tell ya..." "It's total contentment." "It's all about enlightenment right now." "You know the kind of enlightenment that we can afford on your budget..." "Is fluorescent..." "Enlightenment!" "'Cause those things last forever!" "When you come home tonight you're gonna feel a palpable change in your chi." "You don't know what chi is, do you?" "I know exactly what chi is." "You explained it to me this morning!" "It's my essence!" "That's right!" "And my essence is gonna kick your essence's ass when I get home!" "Hi, Laura!" "Hi, Ben." "Let me greet you in the way that I now greet people." "You dropped sweat on my desk!" "Yeah." "To the fool, life is a series of unrelated events unresolved gestures, unrequited love..." "I don't know what I'm talking about." "I'm just regurgitating that book all the time now!" "But I'm really..." "I'm getting into the feng of the shui." "I see you changed the office around a little bit." "Um-hmm." "Moved the coat rack, that should be over a little more." "Don't you think?" "I don't think so." "It's funny how people's ideas of fang shui are different." "Fung shway." "It's funny how the way they say it is different too, sometimes." "Like the right way or the wrong way." "Right, and it's feng shui..." "Depending on..." "You know..." "I just get this feeling that some people's ideas of feng shui are better than others, and mine is better!" "Ben, it's not a competition!" "Well, I did the apartment over, have you done your apartment?" "Yeah." "Do you have a lot of plants?" "Yeah." "You have a fish bowl?" "No." "Huh, I do!" "Ha ha, yup!" "Where is it?" "It's in the kitchen next to the toaster, where it belongs!" "Hmmm..." "Do you have wind chimes in your apartment?" "No." "I..." "I have a whole bunch of wind chimes!" "Do you have crystal balls?" "No." "I don't have those either!" "But as far as I'm concerned, that's dumb." "That's like, too "New Age"." "Um-hmm." "Which way is your bed facing?" "It's facing... east." "Dumb!" "Ha ha!" "So obvious!" "Are you keeping track of the score?" "I won!" "I did!" "I'm better!" "I am!" "I'm more at peace with myself than you'll ever be at peace with yourself!" "I am so much at peace that I'm about to fall asleep!" "I'm doubly as at peace!" "You're getting upset!" "Takes one to know one, way more tranquil!" "Totally content!" "When I was a young buck, a young swinger in my 20s" "I didn't understand why people would get married!" "Why would you shackle yourself to another human being with no possibility of escape for the rest of your born days?" "And then I got married, just a year and a half ago and after I'd been married six months" "I fell down and broke both of my arms!" "That's why people get married!" "Right there!" "I'd hope to go another..." "70, 80 years, at least without ever having to utter the sentence," ""Honey, I'm done, wipe me"!" "'Cause I don't care how cool your roommate is most of them won't go there!" ""C'mon, dude, just wipe me!" "I broke both my arms, c'mon!" "Get all mad..." "C'mon, wipe me!" "Dude, you suck, I hate you!"" "And my wife... the sweetest woman in the world..." "Actually said this to put me at ease, you know I'd say," ""Honey, I'm so embarrassed, this is so weird, I'm so sorry." "I guess you can file this under 'for worse', huh?"" "She actually said to me," ""Tell you what, after your casts come off, you can wipe my butt."" ""Well, let's not go off the deep end, honey." "This is not about me being jealous that you get to wipe my butt and I don't get to wipe your butt." "It's not like I'm sitting there going," "'Man!" "Some people have all the luck!" "'"" "Yeah." "That is the kind of thing that can be pulled out as a trump card to end any and all future arguments." ""Well, honey, I don't think you're respecting my needs!" "Well, what about the time I wiped your butt for 4 weeks after you fell down and broke both of your arms, you clumsy oaf!"" ""Alright, enjoy the Caribbean with your male friends!"" "Ben was telling me..." "And this has to do with this feng shui stuff..." "Hey, hey!" "What did you say?" "Feng shui!" "Feng shui!" "Ha ha ha!" "Hey, feng shui this, okay, pal?" "Feng shui!" "He's doing it..." "And actually" "I'll tell you who else is into it, is Laura." "Really?" "Well, this could have a positive social benefit!" "In other words you think he's gonna get chicks out of this?" "Maybe it's... uh..." "What do you do?" "You just rearrange the furniture?" "Is that what you're doing with this?" "Well if it was that simple they wouldn't call it feng shui!" "Does it involve like uh..." "Sort of a tantric sexual type of thing?" "I don't think so... what does that mean tantric..." "Tantric sex, that's when you uh..." "Your do it over long stretches of time and uh... sleep is involved at times and maybe a sandwich..." "Yeah, right." "But I-I come home from work and Ben says to me" ""Dad, do you know that we're all blind men touching different parts of the same elephant?"" "Wow!" "What the hell did he mean by that?" "It's an interesting way to look at things that none of us know what life is about and..." "But somehow we're all connected..." "But somehow the experience is..." "Like Julie said..." "We're all connected!" "Nice!" "But the thing that connects us, that I didn't realize was this big elephant!" "Ha ha ha!" "It works because we're all dealt different hands in life." "Boy, is that true!" "Did he say which part of the elephant he was a-touchin'?" "No, but ever since he read that he washes his hands like 20 times a day." "Oh, god!" "Geesh!" "Dad, you hold both in one hand, not..." "I have never been able to master the chopsticks, Ben." "And I'm sick of apologizing for it!" "I tell you something, I was thinking more in terms of when we're gonna have an eastern breakfast that you wouldn't serve me Rice Krispies." "I was thinking more like, just a bowl of rice." "Honestly though, dad, well, you read a book like this and you start thinking more about things spiritual..." "I do think about what happens after we die because I can't believe that this is it!" "Yeah." "I know that my body is not who I am." "Right." "But if you're looking for me?" "I'm over here." "I gotcha!" "Y'know, dad, I was thinking..." "About this feng shui stuff..." "That you're probably right about..." "You can't make radical changes in your philosophy!" "Right." "I mean there was a reason that I..." "I have a particular uhh..." "Type of ummm..." "Mindset?" "Well no, I just umm..." "I grew up as..." "I can't..." "Think with these things!" "I don't know if this is the time to bring this up, but umm..." "My god-daughter's birthday is coming up..." "Mazeltov!" "Thank you and umm..." "I was wondering if you think that giving her uhh..." ""Learning to tie your inner shoe"" "is an appropriate gift for a 9-year-old?" "I think that's a perfect gift, she's just the right age." "Hmm." "And I would be delighted to sign one." "Well, you don't have to do that." "It'd probably would mean a lot to her someday." "The book!" "A signed copy..." "Oh, a signed copy, yeah!" "You know, I've been in show business a long time and I feel almost ashamed to still be surprised by the idea that people's public persona are so radically different from who they really are." "Whereas I feel like..." "Well, I don't have a public persona." "Maybe that's my problem." "If you had to describe me based on my public persona, what would you say?" "I would say..." "That you're uh..." "See?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I mean but that's just the first thing that popped into..." "No, I know, that's the problem!" "I think it's because what you do is so unique that it's so hard to describe." "But we're just talking about persona?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you don't have one!" "I haven't done my homework, I apologize!" "No, no, wait!" "Don't put yourself down, because..." "In "the me no one knows" you talk about the concept of reverse transference, don't you?" "I broached the subject." "I don't remember whether I go into it in depth..." "You can broach it now!" "Well, reverse transference is uh..." "Are you familiar with transference?" "Uh-huh, it's where I love you." "That's right!" "Well, I think my affection for you is what they call reverse transference." "Really?" "Yeah, which is different than "I'm rubber, your glue"." "Sometimes I feel that I'm not made for this century." "It's such a..." "Such a nasty time." "People get mad so easy, you know..." "A light turns green and instantly... honk-honnnnk!" "Everybody goes from like zero to like 70 on the anger meter in the snap of a finger!" "I wish I could go back..." "Like a century go back to like Charles Dickens times, you know the 19th century, where the worst thing you could say to anybody is," ""Good day, sir"!" "That was the worst!" "Some guy gets in your face and starts giving you a hard time" ""Hey, you caught me off at that red light what are you trying to do, pal?" "Where did you get your license?"" "You just give them that look and you say, "Good day, sir"!" ""What?" "Hey, I'm not through with you yet, I'm..."" "I said "good day!"" "Hey, you know what that means?" "I know what it means." "Our time is up!" "Ha, haaa!"