"I am now utterly convinced that on Judgment Day, the Lord Jesus will ask one question and only one question." ""Did you believe that I loved you?"" "Try it again." "♪ Everybody each and all ♪" "♪ We're going to die eventually ♪" "♪ It's no more or less our fault ♪" "♪ As it is our destiny ♪" "♪ When my body lies in the ruins ♪" "♪ Of the lies that nearly ruined me ♪" "We are here with Rich Mullins, one of contemporary Christian music's biggest stars." "Rich, welcome to the show." "Rich, we know of your various hits." "Awesome God, Sing Your Praise to the Lord and Elijah, among others." "You've been at the top of the COM charts, had a number of Dove Award nominations, but I want to talk a little bit about the man behind the music so if you don't mind will you tell us a little bit" "about how you came to faith in Christ?" "Well, Randy, I'm not a Christian because of a song I heard or a book I read, as much as I like to read." "Uh, I came to experience the realness of Christ through the people in his church." "I'm a Christian, not because somebody explained the nuts and bolts of Christianity to me but because people were willing to be the nuts and bolts." "Come on, let's go!" "I guess you could say my story began in a small town in Indiana." "My dad was a farmer and easily, easily the hardest working man that I know." "Like most boys, I grew up wanting to be exactly like him, exactly like my dad." "But I discovered at a pretty early age, time and time again that" "I wasn't really cut out to be a farmer." "Hold the light." "What's wrong with it, Dad?" "Damn light, son!" "It's the pistons." "What did you fill it with?" "Gasoline." "Like you said." "Like I said?" "Not like I said, 'cause I didn't say" "I didn't say nothing about gasoline." "Of all the damn fool things." "Lean over here, boy." "Come here." "What's that say?" "Speak up, Wayne!" "What's it say?" ""Diesel."" "That's right." "Diesel." "Because you can't put gasoline in the tractor, son." "I'm sorry, Dad." "Well, sorry isn't going to fix this, boy." "Damn!" "My mom and dad raised five of us kids and, you know, most of the time money was pretty scarce." "And when I was little, my baby brother passed a way." "And that was often hard for them." "Even as a boy, I wanted to help." "But I couldn't." "Why didn't you tell me you got the tractor stuck in the field this morning?" "Speak up, Do)'" "I thought you'd be mad." "I just don't understand why everything you touch ends up busted." "I wish you'd be more gentle with him." "More gentle?" "That's the last thing to be." "He needs to toughen up, that's what." "He's got his damn head in the clouds." "He needs to know you love him." "That boy needs to stay away from the tractor." "Last week, it was the engine." "Today he got not one, but four wheels stuck in holes." " John, he's just trying..." " Four, Neva." "Four." "The repairs cost 300 dollars, not to mention the lost time on the farm." "Ain't going to be worried about love if he is going hungry, will he?" "He's our oldest boy, Neva." "If he doesn't learn, then how is he going to take over the farm one day?" "Maybe he's not meant for the farm." "You're a good father." "Hm." "She got it." "She did, didn't she?" "Dad, that's it." "What are you doing, boy?" "John!" "Didn't you like it, Mom?" "Yes." "Yes, it's wonderful." "John..." "As I got older, music seemed to be the only thing that made sense to me." "I was pretty good at it and there was something about sitting at a piano that just made me feel like I was home." "How do you think that God views you?" "Have you asked yourself this?" "You should, because your perception of God will have an effect on every aspect of your life." "In the Book of Romans," "Paul quoting Isaiah speaks to the truth that no one is righteous, how we are all sinners." "But God commanded his love toward us." " That was wonderful, Richard." " Thank you, Mrs. Kellner." "Now why don't you play it how it was written?" "Time to go, son." "He is my best student." "Well, at least there's one thing he's good at." "It sure isn't farming." "Let's get, boy." "Growing up, people would always tell me that God loved me but I had a hard time believing that." "I wondered if God even liked me." "Maybe it's because people also told me that my dad loved me." "I mean, my dad and I didn't connect or we couldn't connect." "The things he knew and understood weren't things I knew and understood and vice versa." "They say that time heals all wounds but honestly in our case it just made things worse." "I hate being different." "I think God knows what he's doing, Wayne." "Dad hates it, too." "Your father loves you." "No, he loves Dave and Lloyd." "He understands them." "He loves all of you." "Sometimes I just wish I was more like them." "I don't belong here." "God's got big plans for you." "I know it." "You are going to do great things one day." "After high school," "I wasn't sure what I was going to do." "Home had became a place where you had to learn the language of silence." "My dad and I grew apart." "Uh, you know, he grew inward and I grew bitter." "At that time, my rebellion was in full swing." "Uh, let's just say that surrender doesn't exactly come naturally to me." "But I quickly learned that God can speak to us in some pretty unexpected ways." "How do you respond to these accusations from your father?" "Do you dare defy the ordinances of Holy Mother Church ?" "How can you stand there in defiance of your father?" "You're bestowed with riches beyond your worth and now you rebuke their value?" "By what authority do you do such things?" "I want to live a life of freedom." "I want to be as free as the animals that roam this earth, as free as the moon in the night sky." "These earthly possessions, this noble stature, the adoration that our society craves is no use to me." "But you're my son." "I'm no longer your son." "Saint Francis was wild." "I mean, he fell madly in love with Jesus." "As a result of that, he gave up everything he had." "Why are you doing this?" "God calls to every man." "But not every man responds." "I connected to the story of Saint Francis in a lot of ways." "You know, he just had this radical trust in Christ." "It was a trust that I didn't have." "But I wanted it." "I knew that deep down if I wanted to grow that kind of faith, it wasn't going to happen by staying at home." "So I left." "You know, it's interesting." "I had reached a point in my life where I decided to get serious about my faith before I had no faith to get serious about." "Not that going to Bible College is particularly the place to get serious about your faith but nevertheless, that's where I went." "Hey!" "What are you doing with my stuff?" "Oh, I thought this would be okay." " I prefer to sleep with my..." " You thought... this would be okay?" "Let me ask you a question." "You ever stare danger straight in the eye and live to tell about it?" "Name's Sam." "Just joking, man." "You must be Rich." "Yeah." "Yeah, nice to meet you, man." "You scared me there for a second." "I've got kind of a weird sense of humor." "You should know that up front." "Hey, I think that's everything." "Your mom and I are going to head back." "So..." "Cool." "Oh, hi." "I'm Morris." "Hey,Dad." "Hi, Morris." "I'm Rich." "I'm the dad." "It's nice to meet you." "You can go now, Dad." "Yeah, we're going to head back." "Love you, Pops." "I love you, too, man." "You guys have fun." "We'll see you." " There you go." " Nice to meet you, Morris." "Hey, um..." "I got a question for you." "You seem kind of like a handsome guy." "I wasn't really popular with the girls in high school so I want you to shoot me straight." "Does this, uh, beard make me look fat?" " No, serious." " I don't know how to answer that question." "That's fair enough." "That's fair enough." "Oh, man." "So you're a bully." "My time at CBC kind of flew by fast." "Sam and I hit it off well and became good friends quickly." "Being in a structured institution," "I found myself asking a lot of questions about the church, about authority." "They weren't always popular with the faculty." "oh, you play?" "Yeah, absolutely." "I play all the time." " Oh, man." " Yeah, I saw the case." " You want to jam?" " Yeah!" "Yeah." "For sure." "Sam and I formed a small band called Zion." "We started off playing at small coffeeshops around Cincinnati, and then eventually in church auditoriums." "The more I played, the more I realized that I didn't want to just play music." "I wanted a ministry." "So we moved off campus our senior year with a couple of the other members of the band." "It was exciting to feel God working through me even on a small stage like Cincinnati." "He is incredible." "He's pretty good." "There he goes again." "Richard." "Richard." "I thought I told you you weren't allowed to play on campus anymore." "Especially if you're bent on destroying another piano." "Mr. Walters, I'm sorry." "I asked Richard to play for orientation." "It's my fault." "Monday morning," "I want you prepared to quote the first chapter of Isaiah in my office eight a.m. sharp." "I can do that." "Break it up." "It was so good." "Take it easy." "It was just one song." "It was great." "It really was." "I see the Scripture Police got you." " You noticed that, huh?" " I did." "Thankfully, he's given me that chapter before." "Man, what's up with that guy?" "It's ridiculous." "Hi." "Um, that was incredible." "I've never heard anything like that before, ever." "Um, I'm... hi, I'm Beth." "I'm Rich." " Nice to meet you." " You sing?" "Uh, yeah." "I mean, just at, like, church at home." "You should sing with our band, Zion." "You've never heard me play." "I mean, sing." "Oh, I'm sure you're fine." "Jesus isn't picky." "Um, this is my friend, Jess." "Say hi." "Hey!" "That was great." "You, too." "Or not." "Not you too." "I don't..." "I don't sing at all." "No, that's not what I meant." "Um..." "It was nice to meet you." "Yeah." "We'll see you around?" "Yep." "Got it." "Ah." "She's pretty, huh?" "Pretty cute." "I tried my best to ignore her and just focus on Zion or school." "But I couldn't help it." "Uh, from the moment I met Jess, I..." "I couldn't get her out of my mind." "Sorry about the car." "I pretended to know, like I know something about cars for as long as I could and keep it up." "I think I figured it out pretty quickly." " Yeah, sorry about that." " It's all right." "I'll stick with the piano." "Hold on." "There are a lot of really amazing doors on this campus but these are probably my favorite." "They're beautiful." " You want to sit for a bit?" " Sure." "Do you write?" "Some." "A journal" "Journal?" " How morose of you." " Hmm." "What do you write about?" "Oh, my dreams." "Fears." "Dreams about what?" "About the man I'll marry and settle down with." "The house we'll live in." "The kids." "The dog." "That's what you want most." "Yeah." "Yeah, a home and someone to share it with." "What about your fears?" "Being alone." "No, I mean..." "I'm terrified of myself sometimes, of this loneliness I feel inside of me." "It's like, um... it's like a black hole or something." "Even when you're as close as you can be to another person, even when you're touching." "That's exactly it." "Feel alone now?" "Jess and I were immediately drawn to each other." "Over the next few months," "I spent some of the most meaningful days of my life with her and learning each other's stories, and sharing dreams." "We were just two lonely people who had found each other in the dark." "When I was with Jess, I felt..." "I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time." "I felt like I was home." "♪ Life goes on ♪ and so must the song" "♪ Doo doo doooo doo ♪" "♪ Sing your praise to the Lord ♪" "♪ Come on everybody and ♪ stand up and sing one more" "♪ Hallelujah, sing your ♪ praise to the Lord" "♪ I can never tell you ♪" " I love it." "Is that the guy?" "I love it." "I want to do this one." "Bryan?" "It's very different." "I like different." "I'm sick of the same." "I want to do this song." "Yeah." "I'm with Amy on this." "It's a good song." "I'll make the call." "Rich!" "Richard!" "Rich!" "Pick up the phone!" "Right here." " Get on the phone right now!" " Who is it?" " What are you freaking out about?" " It's Nashville!" "The city of Nashville is calling?" "No, it's some guy from a record label that represents Amy Grant." "And he wants to talk to you!" " Did you do this?" " No!" " Was it Gary?" " It wasn't me." "It's Beth." "This had to have been Beth." "Beth!" "Just pick up the phone." "Turn it off." "Hello?" "Yes, is this Rich Mullins?" "This is Rich Mullins." "Rich, this is Bryan Bontrager from Nashville." "What can I do for you Bryan Bontrager from Nashville?" "Rich," "Amy Grant heard your song Sing Your Praise to the Lord and she wants to use it on her next album." " Who's Amy Grant?" " Are you kidding me?" "Oh!" "Excuse me?" "Shhh." "Sorry about that." "Go ahead." "Okay, well, um, listen, Rich, we'd like to bring you down to Nashville here so we can work out the writing contract." "Wow, thanks Bryan, but, uh," "I'm not really interested." "You're not interested?" "Um, look Rich," "I don't think you understand what we're offering you here, okay?" "This is a game changer." "I'm not really sure I want my game to be changed." "Okay, well, um, Rich, maybe you should think about this." "You have a real gift and maybe you should be using it." "Well, I think I am using it." "All right, well, um," "I,uh,hope you change your mind." "Well, thanks for the call, Bryan." "I appreciate it." "Take care." "What?" "When are we going to talk about the Nashville thing?" "We're not going to talk about the Nashville thing because I'm not going to Nashville." "You have to go." "Well, are you coming with me?" "You know I can't do that." "We're not even married yet." "What is this?" "Is this your parents?" "It's not just my parents." "You knew what I wanted." "Your life is headed in a totally different direction." "You don't want to be 41 and stuck in Cincinnati." "Yes, I do." "If you're there, I do." "You don't belong here." "Hey, Jess, it's me, uh... hey, I didn't see you at the show tonight." "I thought you were going to be there." "Um...just give me a call." "I just don't understand why everything you touch ends up busted." "Why everything you touch ends up busted." "Hey, hey, Jess, it's me." "Listen, call me when you get this, I just want to talk." "I just, I just feel like we're not..." "I just, I just want to talk about what's happening with us." "I was just calling to make sure everything is okay." "I just feel like we're not connecting and I don't know... why we keep going back and forth and if there's something I've done or..." "Jess, if the problem is me, then I just want you to tell me." "Hello?" "Hey, Mom." "Are you okay?" "I was just missing..." "missing you guys." "I just wanted to say hi." "Neva, I get up at 4 a.m." "Calm yourself." "Mom, can I talk to Dad for a second?" "Yeah." "Hey, he wants to talk to you." "Tell that boy to call back at a decent hour and I'll talk to him." "He said to say that he loves you and that he'll call you later." "He didn't say that, Mom." "You know your father loves you." "He just has to be at work." "Neva, this is not the time for his nonsense." "Hang up the damn phone." "He's just tired." "Yeah." "Well, sorry for calling so late." "All right." "Love you." "Hey, Rich." " Sam." " Yeah." "Come here." "Where were you?" "Have you been drinking?" "Answer me!" "Gary and I went to a movie." "Why didn't you ask me to go?" "Dude, I think you need to sleep it off." "I think you're drunk." "I'm fine." "I take it back." "I know you're drunk." "Sleep it off." "What's this?" "It's a camel." "What do you think it is?" "It's not a camel." "Sam." "Yeah?" "Are we really friends?" "Sam invited me to come to Wichita with him to stay with his folks and sort things out." "The Nashville situation had thrown a lot of my world out of joint." "I wasn't totally sure how to put it back." "I think a large part of me worried that what Jess had said was true." "I had to go." "Rich!" "I'll be right back." "We 're out of milk." "Could I talk to you for a second, Morris?" "Yeah." "Absolutely." "What's on your mind?" "Oh." "Quite a lot." "And Nashville." "Yeah, you heard about that?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, Jessie doesn't want to go and, um... she hates the whole idea of touring but, man," "I don't know how to do this without her." "You-you want to tour, do your music." "Yeah, absolutely." "I just don't want to do it alone." "Yeah." "Well, relationships are funny that way." "They don't necessarily fix those kind of problems." "And if you kind of give up this dream for that dream, you might lose both of them." " Hm." " It sort of happens that way sometimes." "You know why I think Jesus didn't have a girl?" "I am dying to hear this one." "Why?" "He didn't have a home to take her to." "The guy was a Vagabond, I mean..." "The only thing I know is that Jesus would not like Nashville." "I mean..." "I just mean all these cheesy artists like trying to make a cheap buck off of his name." "The whole thing makes me want to puke, to be honest." "Maybe that's why he wants you to be a part of it." "Yeah." "I don't know if God needs me to change Nashville." "Oh, I'm sure he doesn't." "But he still might want you to be there." "It's just you have to be careful thinking that holiness is about finding the right place and doing the right things." "Because it's really not that." "I mean, holiness is really about loving God in the moment." "I found in my own life there are a lot of things I know and there are some things I don't know." "But if I give it time, if I really walk in faith on it," "I don't have answers to everything, but I've been amazed at the things I found out." "And the thing I know about it, is that God loves you no matter what you choose." "And he's going to be there." "He's going to be there with you on this journey." "All right." "So what about the girl?" "Yeah." "Well, I don't know everything about women..." "But I have been married to one woman for almost 20 years." "And the reason that works is because she says, "Go get milk" and I go get milk." "And then I pick up ice cream." "Ooh, I hear you." "Rocky Road." "There is no other kind." " I'll be right back." " Thanks, Morris." "All right, I'll see you." "He still not here?" "He'll be here." "I want to make sure we get a few things clear before I go on." "Hey man, we've done this before." "It's going to be okay." "Not in my church." "First off, you boys all better find yourselves some shoes." "This is a house of God." "And clean up, tuck your shirt tail in, have some self respect." "I'm going to be talking today about being holy, being disciplined, and shaping up." "And I want you to play something that will really drive that message home." "You understand?" "And I hope you'll be out there listening to my sermon." "So, Gary, do you want to tell Richard?" "If you're going to get serious about your faith, you need to look at this book like a rule book." "It has the dos and the don'ts." "Are you going to follow the dos?" "Or you choose the don'ts?" "As Zion comes up to close us in song," "I want to leave you with this question." "Would Christ be proud of you?" "Yeah, I don't want to be disrespectful." "I know we're guests here, but..." "I kind of think how disrespectful it would be not be honest with the church." "I think it was the theologian Karl Barth who was asked once what's the most..." "What's the most theologically profound statement and this is how he responded." "♪ Jesus loves me this I know ♪" "♪ For the Bible tells me so ♪" "♪ They're the ones to Him belong ♪" "♪ They are weak but he is strong ♪" "♪ Yes, Jesus loves me ♪" "♪ Yes, Jesus loves me ♪" "♪ Yes, Jesus loves me ♪" "♪ The Bible tells me so ♪" "Whenever I hear people say that Christians are hypocrites," "I kind of go, "Man, every time we get together we're confessing that we're hypocrites."" "The need of God and the need of each other," "it's all the pretending to be perfect that breeds inauthenticity in the church." "Because none of us are." "I've been wrestling lately with-with surrender myself." "But He loves us still." "I think I need to go to Nashville." "Whether I go or whether I don't go," "I kind of think it doesn't matter." "Because in the end all that really matters," "♪ Yes, Jesus loves me ♪" "♪ Yes, Jesus loves me ♪" "♪ Yes, Jesus loves me ♪" "♪ The Bible tells me so ♪" "Nashville is so not ready for him." "I know." "Hey!" "You weren't going to go without saying goodbye to me, were you?" "Miss me." "Yeah." "Of course I will." "You're the one that got me into this mess, this whole Nashville thing." "You just don't want to go without Jess, so... quit being a chicken, right?" "Just don't forget about us, okay?" "Richard!" "Hey." "I got to go but don't forget who your real friends are." "I'll miss you." "Time to go." "You Okay?" "She's right." "I am so scared." "It'll be okay." "We're only five hours away." "I'm doing what He wants me to do." "You'd think this would be easier or something." "If you're really so scared about going, why don't you move this junk and I'll ride with you to the edge of town." "Let me get my wallet." "Hey. hey!" "Hey, uh..." "I think you packed up some of my shirts." "Leaving Cincinnati for Nashville was one of the hardest things I've ever done." "I felt like I was trading one life for another." "But I couldn't shake the feeling that God wanted me there for some reason." "It was a whirlwind from the time I arrived." "Sing Your Praise to the Lord was a big hit for Amy and her album became the biggest selling album in Christian radio at the time so so of course they wanted me to write more songs." "As much as I enjoyed writing music," "I felt more and more that I wanted to record my own work." "I had meetings with publishers but without much luck and..." "I'm not sure I fit the aesthetic of contemporary Christian music." "Besides, songwriting and royalties gave me something" "I'd never had before, which was a steady income." "Not that I entirely knew what to do with it." "All the money in Nashville couldn't change the fact that I missed my friends back home." "Especially Jess." "♪ You find a love that's tender ♪" "♪ If you find someone that's true ♪" "♪ Thank the Lord ♪" "♪ He's been doubly good to you ♪" "That's beautiful." "You doing okay?" "Got into another fight with Matt and Bryan." "Another one, huh?" "This one was messy." "You sure don't like to play by the rules, do you?" "Amy, I don't even know what the rules are." "I've been here for a while now, I've been writing for a while, don't get me wrong, I like writing for you and..." "I like writing for people but..." "I want to record my own stuff." "And they won't even hear me out." "So why don't they?" "I mean, they're keeping me out of the loop on this." "They say my songs are too dark or too..." "I don't know, not happy enough, not cheery and cheesy, if you ask me." "What were you playing when I walked in?" "Did you like it?" "Yeah." "Did you really?" "Yeah." "Really really?" "I loved it." "What is it?" "It's a song I wrote for my wedding." "Can you play me the rest of the song?" "Yeah." "Sure." "It's just a chorus." "♪ You can thank the Father ♪ for the things that He has done" "♪ Thank him for the ♪ things He's yet to do" "♪ If you find ♪ a love that's tender" "♪ If you find someone who's true ♪" "♪ Thank the Lord ♪" "♪ He's been doubly good to you ♪" "Rich, seriously you have to give me that song." "I want that song." "Sorry." "That one's for the girl." "You know, I'm being asked by people all the time how do you feel close to God." "And I kind of go" ""You know what?" "I don't really know that."" "When I think about the lives of...of the great saints" "I don't necessarily think that they always felt close to God." "See, closeness to God, it isn't about feelings." "Closeness to God is about obedience." "But if we don't obey, we don't even have a chance." "What's up, bud?" "Hey, Rich." "That was a really good show." "Thanks." "It was fun." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Yeah." "Absolutely." "What's up?" "No, it's just..." "I just want to say thank you for what you said in there." "Yeah, you bet, man." "What did I say exactly?" "You said a lot." "' -1" " I'm not feeling close to God." " Hm." "It's just that I struggle a lot with loneliness." "I'm going to fill you in on a little secret that they won't tell you in Sunday School." "All the heroes in the Bible, all the weirdos in the Bible, they all struggled with the same stuff." "Loneliness and all of it." "It's just that some of us aren't afraid to admit it." "You know?" "Yeah." "It's my dad." "I've got to go." "I won't forget." "Thanks, Rich." "You bet, man." "Nice to meet you." "Good night." "Good night." "Every small conversation or fleeting moment of connection reminded me that despite all the flaws and tackiness of the Christian music industry," "God had given me something to say and a platform to share it." "I realized that music could be more than just music." "But they didn't let me start just making records over night." "It took some convincing." "Did you read the letter?" " I haven't had time." " Matt, this is important." "Can you at least tell me you'll read it today?" "Just tell me, what is it?" "I want to talk to you about me recording my own songs." "Rich, you know I think you're an amazing writer, but I don't think you're ready to be a recording artist." "Sorry, we'll just talk about this later, okay?" "What?" "When I'm ready, Matt?" "What's with you, Rich?" "Do you really want to do this here?" " In front of Amy..." " I have the right to know!" "Look, you really want to be a recording artist?" "Then everything's got to change." "Your look, the way you dress," " it's your stage presence..." " What about my songs?" "I don't think they're ready either." "♪ This life has shown me ♪" "♪ How we're mended ♪ and how we're torn" "♪ How it's okay to be lonely ♪" "♪ As long as you're free ♪" "♪ But sometimes ♪ my ground was stony" "♪ And sometimes ♪ covered up with thorns" "♪ Only you could make it ♪ what it had to be" "♪ If they dressed me ♪ like a pauper" "♪ Or if they dined me ♪ like a prince" "♪ If they lay me with my fathers ♪" "♪ Or with my ashes scattered ♪ on the wind I don't care" "♪ Because when I leave ♪ I want to go out like Elijah" "♪ With a whirlwind ♪ to fuel my chariot of fire" "♪ And when I look ♪ back on the stars" "♪ It'll be like a candle light ♪ on Central Park" "♪ It won't break ♪ my heart to say goodbye" "He seems ready to me." "Eventually, the label gave me a shot and they signed me to a pretty modest contract" "After a few months, I finished my first album called, well, Rich Mullins." "After that, I went on tour with Amy and opened at her concerts." "I found that being on the road was much more enjoyable than being in the studio." "Maybe it's because I didn't like Nashville very much, I don't know." "Music was always something that was a part of me, something I needed to share." "Now I was reaching so many people every night, it was exciting, despite all the corporate politics that went with it." "But it's funny how you can meet hundreds of new people every day." "Thank you, thank you." "And still feel almost completely alone." "Thank you all so much." "We're going to take a real quick break now and be right back in a few minutes." "There he is!" "Tell us!" "Here's our rock star!" "She does that so way better than you, man." "Yeah, she's really talented." "How are you feeling?" "Ah." "Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go." "Who's smoking?" " Hey." " Ohhh." "So proud of you." " Wayne." " Hey,Dad." "You look like a girl with that long hair." "You need a hair cut, boy." "You haven't seen me in months and that's what you have to say?" "It's only a joke." "Don't be so damn sensitive." "I guess piano players can wear their hair however they want these days." "Rich, would you mind coming back on at the end and doing the rain thing?" "Absolutely." "You've got a very talented son here." "You must be a very proud father." "No, I'm proud of all my kids." "Two boys, two girls, and a...piano player." "I got to go." "What we're going to do, we're going to make rain, okay?" "So what I'm going to do is break you guys up into three groups." "This one's about here." "Nice." "Come on, pick up." "Hello?" "Jess!" "Oh." "It's me." "Hey, Richard." "Sorry I didn't make it." "Oh, no, that's fine." "Hey, listen, what are you doing next weekend?" "The tour is coming through Cincinnati..." "Rich, I'm engaged." "I'm sorry." "I just, I don't know, I just..." "I thought you should know." "You know, I'm not a real..." "I don't know..." "I have no interest in anybody else." "The woman I'm in love with is married to someone else so... that's the way it... that's the way it goes, and I don't mind that." "I think maybe God wanted me to be celibate." "The way he accomplished that was to break my heart." "So the song you wrote for your wedding," "Doubly Good, you gave to Amy Grant." "Why?" "Some things you just have to walk away from, you know." "And some things you don't have a choice." "The woman I love is married to somebody else." "That's the way it goes." "Well, if that's the case, then it seems to me that song is exceptionally cruel." "Why is that?" "Well, because it implies that if God hasn't given you a love that's tender and someone who's true then he hasn't been doubly good to you." "Well, God doesn't have to be singly good to any of us." "We all have it better than we deserve so... we should be thankful for what we have." "It's good." "That's horrible." "I like it." "Bryan?" "Maybe if we just changed..." "No, I don't want to..." "I don't want to change..." "I don't want to do it at all." "Okay this song is... it's exactly this that made me not want to come to Nashville." "Yeah, you made that clear, Mullins." "But no one's holding a gun to your head here." "We're just trying to help." "Well, you're not helping." "Look, my songs aren't fill-in-the-blanks, you guys." "You can't just put the word "Jesus" in a few more times and expect it to be better." "Rich, you already have a lot of longing and brokenness in your other songs, which is good." "Maybe if you just had happier lyrics." "I'm not trying to be a Christian pop star, guys." "I'm just trying to say something true." "Okay?" "I don't want to change my music." "Yeah?" "Well, things change." "You sure don't seem to mind a new car, a new house, right?" "Don't mess with my songs." "Rich, we don't want to mess with your songs, okay?" "But in order for people to hear your music, we have to sell records." "And in order to sell records," " we have to get the sound right." " Yeah!" "The problem is the sound." "The problem is me." "I got it." "I get it." "What are you doing?" "You can't leave, we're in the middle of a session!" "You don't want to hear anything I have to say to you right now." "He's never going to sing this song." "Well, if he doesn't sing this one, he's going to have to come up with something else." "We still got one more slot to fill." "You know, he has more talent than anyone I've ever seen." "What if he never gets off the ground?" "Hello?" "Hey, Rich." "Hey, Gary." "What's up, man?" "I know you're slammed, but I got a friend who's asking for a favor." "Would you have time to do a show?" "Man, I don't know." "We're kind of behind on this thing." "The labels all over me about it." " It's on a Native American reservation." " Really?" "Yeah, but it's all the way out in Arizona." "It's, like, you know, a million miles from Nashville." "I know you're super busy working on the new album." "Yeah, I'll do it." "Truth was I couldn't get away fast enough." "I probably would have done a retreat on the moon if it meant getting space from the record company." "The only thing I knew about the reservation was that it was called Window Rock and it was in the middle of nowhere." "I really had no idea what to expect." "Driving through the reservation was like being in another world." "It was beautiful there, but sad at the same time." "Children played in rundown streets." "Some people barely left their homes at all." "There's need here." "Great need." "I ended up staying a few days here working with the Youth Ministry team." "I was able to get to know some of the kids and hear their stories." "The good and the bad." "It was one of the most real experiences in my life." "I didn't want it to end." "Lights out in ten minutes." "Hey, Rich." "How's it going, man?" "I really like your shirt." "Oh, thanks." "Yeah, I love this one." "You know what?" "It looks like it'd fit you." "Thanks." "Yeah, man." "Here you go." "It's yours." "Hey." "Can I talk to you?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Sit." "I could tell as soon as we sat down that this kid had something he needed to share." "We got to talking and he told me about how six months earlier he had shot himself in the stomach." "We talked late into the night about depression and despair and how he thought he had nothing to hope for, until he got so desperate he tried to kill himself." "And then the humiliation of failing even at that." "I tried my hardest to find the words, to be of some comfort to him to let him know he wasn't alone." "Eventually I was able to write them down." "♪ Clung to a ball ♪ that was hung in the sky" "♪ Hurled into orbit ♪" "♪ There you are ♪" "♪ Whether you fall down ♪ or whether you fly" "♪ Seems you ♪ can never get too far" "♪ Someone's waiting to grow wings ♪" "♪ Upon your flightless heart ♪" "♪ You're on the verge of a miracle ♪" "♪ Standing there ohhh ♪" "♪ You're on the verge of a miracle ♪" "You know, this might keep him around a little bit longer." "♪ ...believe in... ♪" " Maybe." " ♪ Open your eyes and see ♪" " He's living on borrowed time, man." "♪ You're on the verge of a miracle ♪" "♪ The love that seemed so far away ♪" "♪ Is standing very near ♪" "♪ You're on the verge of a miracle ♪" "♪ Standing there oh ♪" "♪ You're on the verge of a miracle ♪" "♪ Just waiting to be believed in ♪" "♪ Open your eyes and see ♪" "♪ You're on the verge of a miracle ♪" "What is that?" "Is that new?" "Yes, it's something new I've been kind of playing around with but so far no lyrics." "I like it." "Yeah, it's cool." "This is what I like about being on the road, man." "I mean, for all the things I hate, this is what I love." "Having you here, on the open road, look at the sky," "I mean, it's just..." "Awesome." "Morning, Rich." "Bryan." "How was the retreat?" "Don't start." "I said I was going to go." "What am I supposed to do?" "Rich, don't walk away from me." "Rich!" "That's what you said about that one retreat." "But every other week it's something else." "A retreat, a camp, a small church in Michigan..." "You're a recording artist now, Rich," " you don't have take time to..." " What do you want me to do?" "I want you in my office, that's what I want." "Sit down." "No, I'm good." "Yeah, you're good." "Well, you're not as good as you think, Rich." "All this talking you've been doing at your concerts, that's got to stop!" "Okay?" "People are paying to hear you sing, not to hear you talk." "You understand that?" "No, no." "No." "You're there to make fans, not enemies." "What can I say?" "That's what happens when you're honest with religious people." "Well, those religious people are paying your bills and they're not going to keep buying your records if you keep..." "Pissing them off?" "Are we done?" "No." "Look, we've got a record to put out and the last one still isn't selling." "Do you...?" "You understand that, right?" "I thought it was selling." "Not as much as we'd hoped." "What do you want me to do?" "Your contract is up after this, Rich." "If your records don't start selling, it's over." "You think I give a damn about that?" "No, I don't." "It's disrespectful." "It's disrespectful to me, this label, more importantly, Rich, it's disrespectful to God who gave you all of this ability and all of this opportunity." "You think you're so righteous, huh?" "Now you try to throw everything away because you have some idea about holiness." "But you want to know what I think?" "Oh, yeah, you keep laughing, you keep laughing." "You know what I think?" "I think you're scared." "Time's running out, Rich." "God might wait for you, but this label won't." "And don't ever disrespect me like that again." "What do you want from me?" "What's that?" "Rich Mullins is mowing our lawn." "Oh." "Honey?" "Yeah?" "Why is Rich Mullins mowing our lawn?" "To say he's sorry." "Hm." "♪ Our God, our God ♪ is an awesome God" "♪ He reigns ♪ from heaven above" "♪ With wisdom, power, and love ♪" "♪ Our God is an awesome God ♪" "You're on the radio!" "I know." "I knew you were special." "Hurry UP!" "I don't even care if we're late." "I just want to hang out with you guys." "See this?" "Uh-huh." "It's really nice, man." "How's Morris?" "Oh." "Well, you should live in Wichita, brother." "He's retired now." "He can hang out with him as much as he want." " That'd be awesome." " Yeah." "Are you doing okay?" "No." "What's up?" "I've been drinking a lot." "I hate myself for it." "I really do." "Don't do that." "The drinking?" "No, the hating." "You know what?" "You should probably figure out the drinking, too." "Yeah." "You guys!" "He's on more than one radio station at the same time!" "You guys, seriously hurry up!" "Dude, I can't believe you kept this in a desk for so long." "You could've had this hit big a year ago." "Don't get me wrong, I'm excited." "I just don't think I can handle this." "We got a long road ahead of us." "Let's go!" "We're here, guys." "I wonder if you'll have a big crowd tonight." "I think yes." "What?" "Don't blow it." "Ohhh, you guys-'" " Ow!" " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You people cannot be back here without a ticket." "No, no, I'm Rich." "I don't care how much money you got." "Buy a ticket." "No, he's the singer!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " No problem!" "Go ahead, go ahead." " Thanks, man." "Hey, just so you know it, you hurt me." "Why don't you just man up?" "No, my feelings." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Rich Mullins!" "Welcome to being famous." "Hi, I'm Rich Mullins." "Now let's get this over with." "♪ Our God is an awesome God ♪" "♪ He reigns from heaven above ♪" "♪ With wisdom, power, and love ♪" "♪ Our God is an awesome God ♪" "♪ Our God is an awesome God ♪" "♪ He reigns from heaven above ♪" "♪ With wisdom, power, and love ♪" "♪ Our God is an awesome God ♪" "You know, I've come to think that to identify fully with Christ, who I claim to be my Saviour and my Lord, that to fully identify with Him is to identify with the poor." "Christianity is not about finding an absolutely secure niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little kids in your beautiful little house where there are no gays or minority groups around." "Christianity is about learning how to love like Jesus and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken." "I knew that not everyone appreciated what I had to say." "But I didn't really care." "Awesome God became the number one song in Christian radio the week it released in 1988 or so they told me." "So the concert venues got bigger, the crowds got louder," "Matt and Bryan were a little bit nicer to me." "But at the end of the day," "I mean, the fame, the money, the attention, it just didn't mean much to me." "In fact, I got sick of it pretty fast." "Life on the road had taken its toll on me." "One thing became painfully obvious." "I needed a change." "Look, here he comes, hey, hey." " Yeah!" " There he is!" "Man of the hour!" "Yeah, I bet you thought this day would never come, huh?" "Hoped it would never come, actually." "We got some great news." "We got you booked solid for the next six months." "No more little church gigs or youth camps." "And you're no longer an opening act, Rich." "From now on, this town's going to be begging to open for you." "Not only that." "You can finally afford a proper tour bus." "Yeah, you're ready, Rich." "Everything is changed." "Yeah." "I'm moving to Wichita." "Yeah, okay, Rich." "No, I'm serious." "I'm moving to Wichita." "But you're finally on top." "If you leave now, you risk losing everything." "I don't know if I'm concerned about it either way." "Look, I've seen you." "I know you like those new toys." "I just saw you on that new motorcycle, right?" "Huh?" "Rich, come on." "You know what the problem is?" "I hadn't seen myself on that new motorcycle." "Here, you guys can have it." "I don't even want it." "Rich!" "You know what a person is that doesn't want anything and doesn't fear anybody?" "What?" "Dangerous." "Rich?" "Can I help you?" "Um, I'm Justin." "Holy cow!" "Good to see you, man!" "It's been a while." "You remember me?" "Yeah, absolutely." " I hope you don't mind I got..." " No, not at all." "You kind of picked the worst possible time." "I'm literally just getting ready to leave but if you need a place to crash you know, it's yours." "Where are you going?" "I'm moving to Wichita, actually." "Oh." "What are you doing in Nashville anyway?" "Looking for a job." "I'll tell you what, if you want a crappy job, you can come join the band." "Really?" "Yeah." "Sure, why not?" " You're just going to let me join the band?" " Yeah!" " Awesome." " Come in." "Let's get this crappy job started." "Here, take that to the jeep, will you?" "It turns out Justin is just as broken as I was when he landed on my doorstep." "That was one of the many things we had in common." "Along with enjoying Aaron Copeland and road trips broken relationships with our fathers, and greasy truck stop food, stale motel lobby coffee, it goes on and on." "And more than anything, if was just nice to have a friend on the road." "So what?" "You want to be like Saint Frank?" "It's not about being like Saint Francis necessarily, it's about following Jesus, it's about being like Christ." "I mean, how do you do that?" "I'm not good at being perfect." "But it's not about being perfect." "Look at Saint Francis." "He took vows." "He took a vow of chastity, he took a vow of poverty, a vow of obedience." "I think that's what we're really missing." "That's what I want to do." "I think I want to start living on whatever the average American salary is." "Whatever the average American worker makes." "Says the man making millions." "Who cares?" "Money destroys people, man." "Money doesn't have to destroy people." "Well, it's destroying me." "You moved to Wichita, Kansas to go back to college at Friends University and do I have this right that you went to get a music education degree?" "No, I mean, yeah." "It's true that I went to get a music degree." "I wanted to be able to teach kids but the real reason I went back to Wichita was Morris." "I thought maybe being around him would make me walk a little straighter." "To be honest, it's the closest thing to home" "I've found in a long, long time." "What' up, man?" "I'm Rich." "Hey, I'm Mitch." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Nice guitar." "Yeah." "Thanks." "I'm just starting out." "Sweet." "This is James Bryan Smith's class, right?" "Yeah." "What, you weren't here last week?" "No, no, I was bummed." "I had to miss it." "I was actually in Ireland." "And Ireland's incredible so I wasn't really that bummed to be honest but..." "Yeah." "You're seeing friends, family?" "Actually I was shooting a music video." "It's not as cool as it seems." "Hey, everyone." "Glad to see you all made it back to class." "Can I help you?" " This is Intro to Religion, right?" " Yes." "What's your name?" "Do you have a student ID?" "Uh, my name is Rich Mullins." "I'm not sure about the student ID." "The Rich Mullins?" "Awesome God guy." "I do have other songs." "All right, and you're taking this class?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Actually, I was hoping you would tell me that part." "Okay, sorry." "Glad to have you, Rich." "Everyone, take out your copies of G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy." "Good morning." "Yes, it is." "Barely." "I think this is the earliest I've seen you, man." "Good job." "That's funny." "Justin up?" "Well, I haven't seen him down by the coffee pot so chances are he's not up yet." "Sam called." "Oh, yeah?" "Said hi, yeah." "Does he, uh, got the beard going these days?" "Uh, no." "He's on a diet." "So you call your dad yet?" "Why should I, Morris?" "I don't know the history between you guys... but if you're blessed enough to have a dad to call, you should call him." "You've been more of a father to me these last three months." "Yeah, but I'm not your dad." "I am your friend." "And as your friend, I'm telling you..." "Call your dad." "Morris, you okay?" "Morris!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, Morris!" "Morris!" "Hey, talk to me, buddy." "Talk to me." "Morris!" "Mo..." "Help!" "Morris!" "Hey, hey, come on, come on." "Justin!" "Doris!" "Call an ambulance!" "Oh, my God." "Don't leave me." "Don't leave me." "Don't leave me." "Morris!" "Don't leave me!" "Help!" "Help_" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Everything's fine." "I'm sorry." "Everything's fine." "Everything's fine, I'm sorry." "Everything's fine." "Rich'?" "Sam!" "Are you drunk?" "Shhh." "I don't want anyone to know." "Everyone knows." "Can I talk to you outside?" "Look, man... you got to understand." "People in my family don't come to these things sober." "Sam, I'm sorry." "He was like a father to me." "He wasn't your dad." "He was mine." "You're not going to hit me, are you?" "No." "Well... probably not." "But if I would, you would deserve it." "Yeah, I would." "I do." "Now what?" "I was thinking the same thing." "You sticking around Wichita?" "You know I left Nashville to be with your dad." "Okay, Richard." "So now what are you going to do?" "I don't know." "What would you tell somebody in your exact situation?" "And I know you know the answer to this." "If I was talking to somebody else," "I'd give them the Sunday School answer." "And what is wrong with that?" "My dad was a..." "My dad was a Sunday School teacher for 20 years." "If there's one thing that I learned from him," "I learned that sometimes the Sunday School answers are exactly the right ones." "So what is it?" "That God loves you even when you don't feel it but..." "Exactly." "Exactly." "But the truth is I don't get it." "Even when I'm supposed to know it, I just don't feel it." "So, what do you know?" "What do you feel?" "I feel broken." "The only thing that makes me feel... good is... not pretending otherwise." "Well, I think that's a good place to start." "You know we're going to be okay, right?" "We're going to be okay." "I hope so." "Losing Morris was devastating." "And left me at another crossroads in my life." "I came to Wichita to find myself, only to leave feeling just as lost as I had before." "I set out on the road again with Justin, not really sure where I was headed." "Hey, Rich." "Where were you?" "I was just getting some food." "Don't go anywhere without telling me where you're going." "Okay?" "Okay." "Is everything all right?" " I was just..." " I don't need you to talk." "Just, if you're going somewhere, tell me where you're going." "Okay?" "Or take me with you." " Okay, but..." " Damn it." "Hey, can I play you a tape?" "What is it?" "There's this preacher Brennan Manning." "You should know better than to even ask me to listen to a preacher." "Just give it ten minutes." "In the 33 years since I was first ambushed by Jesus in a little chapel in the mountains of western Pennsylvania, and the literally thousands of hours of prayer and meditation, silence, solitude in those years," "I am now utterly convinced that on Judgment Day the Lord Jesus will ask one question and only one question," ""Did you believe that I loved you?" ""That I desired you?" ""That I waited for you day after day?" ""That I longed to hear the sound of your voice?"" "The real believers will respond and say," ""I believed in your love," ""and I tried to shape my life as a response to it."" "But many of us who are so faithful in our ministry, our practice, church going, are going to answer" ""Well, frankly, no sir." ""I never really believed it."" "And there's the difference between the real believers and the nominal Christians that abound in our churches across the land." "No one can measure like a believer the depth and intensity of God's love." "But then again, no one can measure like a believer the effectiveness of our gloom, our pessimism, our low self-esteem, our self-hatred and despair that block God's way to us." "Do you see now why it's so important to lay hold of this basic truth of our faith?" "Because you're only going to be as big as your own concept of God." "We make God in our own image and he winds up being as fussy and rude and narrow-minded and judgmental and legalistic and unloving and unforgiving as we are." "I've been in churches in Bangor, Maine, Miami, Seattle," "San Diego, and Saint Louis, and honest to God if so many Christians I meet is too small for me." "Because he is not the God of the Word." "He is not the God who is revealed in and by Jesus Christ, who at this moment comes to your seat and says," "I have a word for you." "I know your whole life story." "I know every skeleton in your closet." "I know every moment of sin and shame and dishonesty and degraded love that's darkened your past." "Right now, I know your shallow faith, your feeble prayer life, your inconsistent discipleship, and my word to you is this." "I dare you to trust that I love you, just as you are." "Not as you should be." "Because none of us are as we should be." "Whoa, what's up?" "Are you all right?" "Rich." "Rich?" "You know, Brennan, I've been going to church since I was less than a week old." "I can count on one hand how many times I've heard the simple proclamation of what the Gospel is really about." "There are very few things I love more than beer." "Hot fudge sundae is one of them." "Beer, huh'?" "Mm-hm." "Yeah, I'm a recovering alcoholic." "That's my six-month sobriety chip from AA." "I've been on the wagon and off the wagon more times than I can remember." "Definitely more times than my whiskey-loving brain can remember." "It's honest." "You should try it some time." "It's refreshing." "Brennan, I don't know if I have any friends left." "Right now do you think you're free?" "What do you mean "free"?" "A free man wouldn't need to ask." "Mm." "I'm not free." "I feel like a failure." "I'm on stage all the time, expected to be this voice of hope." "People want me to be perfect, but I'm not." "Brennan," "I'm always carrying around this darkness." "We're all fighting the same battle." "You know, I love what you said." "You said that... you said that God loves us for who we are, not for who we should be because none of us are who we should be." "Yeah, that's the heart of the ragamuffin gospel right there." "What's that?" "Ragamuffins are the unsung assembly of saved sinners." "They're little in their own sight, and aware of their brokenness and powerlessness before God." "A ragamuffin knows he's only a beggar at the door of God's mercy." "Brennan," "I'm a ragamuffin." "Oh, I know." "Me, too." "And, uh, as one ragamuffin to another, would you judge me if I had another hot fudge sundae?" "This next song is my contribution to the...ragamuffin collection." "♪ It took the hand Of God Almighty ♪" "♪ to part the waters In the sea ♪" "♪ But it only took one little lie ♪" "♪ To separate you and me ♪" "♪ Oh we are not as strong ♪" "♪ As we think we are ♪" "♪ And they say that one day Joshua ♪" "♪ He made the sun ♪ stand still in the sky" "♪ But I can't even keep ♪ these thoughts of you" "♪ From passing by ♪" "♪ Oh we are not as strong ♪" "♪ As we think we are ♪" "♪ We are frail ♪" "♪ We are fearfully ♪ and wonderfully made" "♪ Forged in the fires ♪ of human passion" "♪ Choking on the fumes ♪ of selfish rage" "♪ And with these ♪ our hells and our heavens" "♪ So few inches apart ♪" "♪ We must be awfully small ♪" "♪ Not as strong as we think we are ♪" "Thank you." "You know, you guys are all into that born-again thing, which is fine." "We do need to be born again." "Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus." "But you tell me I need to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you need to sell everything you have and give it to the poor." "'Cause Jesus said that to one guy, too." "Maybe that's why God invented highlighters." "So we can highlight what we like in the Bible and just ignore the rest." "I think that when we do things to... that corrupt our lives," "we're really just trying to comfort some ache that we have." "And I think that the Church exists 'cause we all kind of need each other." "And why are we all walking around church wearing these masks," "pretending to be perfect?" "It's so exhausting." "Why do we do it?" "And I think that our only hope is the love of God." "Hey guys." "Hey." "The song I've been working on that I..." "I kind of want to play 'cause my parents are here, so if you indulge me here, um, it's just about my family." "♪ My folks they were always ♪" "♪ The first family to arrive ♪" "♪ Seven people jammed ♪" "♪ into a car that seated five ♪" "♪ There was one bathroom ♪" "♪ to bathe and shave ♪" "♪ Six of us stood in line ♪" "♪ And hot water for only three ♪" "♪ But we all did just fine ♪" "♪ Talk about your miracles ♪" "♪ Talk about your faith ♪" "♪ My dad he could make things grow ♪" "♪ Out of Indiana clay ♪" "♪ Mom could make a gourmet meal ♪" "♪ Out of just cornbread and beans ♪" "♪ And they learned to give ♪ faith hands and feet" "♪ And somehow gave wings ♪" "That was nice, boy." "Wayne, it was wonderful." "Your dad thought so, too." "He just doesn't know how to say it." "Wayne, I..." " I, uh..." " What, Dad?" "Uh, you-you know." "Thank you, son." "Neva, we need to, we need to get going." "Why don't you go out there and talk to him right now?" "Can't you see he needs you?" "I don't know how to talk to him, Neva." "Some other time." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Is someone there?" "Is someone there?" "All right, this is good." "Where do you want it?" "Uh, right there." "Hey, Rich, you got a phone call in the office." "All right." "Church office." "Can you help me find the other hammers?" "I can't find them again." "This is Rich." "Say that again." "But I just saw him." "Dad." "♪ This world ♪" "♪ is not my home ♪" "♪ I'm just ♪" "♪ passing through ♪" "♪ My treasures ♪" "♪ are laid up ♪" "♪ Somewhere beyond ♪" "♪ the blue ♪" "♪ I can't feel at home ♪" "♪ in this world ♪" "♪ anymore ♪" " Hey." " Hey." "Where the hell where you?" "I was getting coffee in the lobby." "Thought I told you to leave a note if you go anywhere." "Leave a note to get coffee, Rich?" "What's the point of having you on the road if you're not going to be around when I need you." "I thought you're..." "I am your friend, Rich." "What are you talking about?" "What's wrong with you, boy?" "What's it like being all alone, boy?" "You sure like being famous, don't you, boy?" "Do you think you deserve this success?" "Rich." "We're going to be late for Brennan's thing." "Rich." "You know that you're a ragamuffin if you're not ashamed to be a ragamuffin." "Much like having the simplicity of a child, and the poverty of a child, you come before your Abba Father, and you rest in your identity as the beloved of God." "Hey, Wayne." "Hey!" "How many times I've got to tell you not to yank on that thing?" "You're going to break it just like you broke the tractor." "You're going to break every damn thing around here." "Look at me when I'm talking to you." "You understand me?" "Yes, sir." "Leave it alone." "Jesus." "Jesus." "I'm going to play a song that, um, that I wrote..." "I wrote a while ago now, and... it's come to me more to me lately." "This song is kind of a prayer and, um," "If you bear with me," "I'm playing this more for myself than for you, so." "♪ Sometimes my life just ♪ don't make sense at all" "♪ When the mountains look so big ♪" "♪ And my faith just seems so small ♪" "♪ So hold me Jesus ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf ♪" "♪ You have been King of my glory ♪" "♪ Won't you be my Prince of Peace ♪" "♪ I wake up in the night ♪" "♪ And feel the dark ♪" "♪ It's so hot inside my soul ♪" "♪ I swear there must be ♪ blisters on my heart" "♪ So hold me Jesus ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf ♪" "♪ You have been King of my glory ♪" "♪ Won't you be my Prince of Peace ♪" "♪ Surrender don't come ♪ natural to me" "♪ I'd rather fight you for ♪ something I don't really want" "♪ Than to take what ♪ you give that I need" "♪ I've beat my head ♪ against so many walls" "♪ Now I'm falling down ♪" "♪ I'm falling on my knees ♪" "♪ And this Salvation Army band ♪" "♪ is playing this hymn ♪" "♪ And His grace rings out so deep ♪" "♪ It makes my ♪ resistance seem so thin" "♪ So hold me Jesus ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf ♪" "♪ You have been King of my glory ♪" "♪ Won't you be My Prince ♪" "♪ of Peace ♪" "Hold on." "I'm on the phone with the label." "Come in." "Hello?" "Hey, Bryan." "Uh, listen, man." "Uh, this just came to me last night, but I have an idea for the new record." "I want to do ten songs about Jesus." "Just really simple, stripped down." " I'm really excited about this." " Sorry, Rich." "Sorry to to cut you off." "But, this actually isn't Bryan." "Who is this?" "Well, I was actually really excited to talk to you, Rich." "I'm Randy Ubeks and I'm the new head of the label here." "Uh, where is Bryan and Matt?" "Unfortunately, Bryan and Matt are no longer here at the label but..." "I'm really looking forward..." "Matt and Bryan aren't at the label anymore." "Yeah, I know." "I've been trying to call and tell you but you don't answer the phone." "Rich, what's this new record about?" "Why would they leave without telling me?" "I don't know." "I don't think it's a bad thing, Rich." "They're just moving on." " Moving on?" "What..." " Yeah, people do that." "Yeah, I know people do that." "Oh. do you?" "Really?" "Yeah, Justin." "Wha-What's your problem?" "I-I don't have a problem." "I'm sorry if I'm bothering you." "I just came by to tell you" "I'm getting married." "Well, that's... that's not bad news." "That's good news, man." "Gosh, I'm-I'm relieved." "Um..." "No, that's awesome." "We could use another girl in the tour." "No, Rich." "I'm leaving the tour." "Why would you..." "Of course you are." "Yeah?" "Rich?" "Brennan." "Okay, ragamuffin." "On a scale of one to ten, how hung over are you?" "Eleven." "What do you say that you and I go away on a retreat of sorts?" "Is today too soon?" "In Jesus' language, the word that he taught the disciples to pray with was Abba." "It means "daddy."" "It doesn't really work for me to think of God as a father, Brennan." "Me, either." "But it's the essence of the disciples' identity." "And praying Abba, I belong to you." "It's like breathing." "I'll be in the cabin behind us." "You'll be in this one." "The first night's going to be the hardest." "What exactly are you going to have me do?" "I want you to write a letter from John to you." "Brennan, my dad wasn't exactly the kind of guy that showed a lot of emotion." "I'm not sure I can do that." "I think you told me that you knew you father loved you." "But he never told you." "Let him tell you." "Abba, Abba." "Abba." "Please, let my brother come to see your love." "Get your damn head off the clouds, Wayne." "What's wrong with you, boy?" "You're going to break every damn thing around here." "Two boys, two girls, and you." "Look at me when I'm talking." "You understand?" "Damn fool's things." "Speak up." "What does it say?" "When I tell you to do something, you do it well." "You understand me?" "I just don't understand why everything you touch ends up..." "Don't be afraid, son." "Wayne." "Wayne, boy." "You know I didn't mean it." "Son, if I'm not tough on you, you're never going to learn." "Come on." "You'll be all right?" "Come on." "It's time, ragamuffin." ""Dear Wayne," ""it's a lot like I told you." ""Being poor ain't shameful it's just inconvenient." ""I valued you."" "It's just that I didn't know you." "I didn't know how I was supposed to be affectionate." "I thought that was soft." "I can see the strength of steel, but I couldn't see the power of tenderness, or the courage it takes to hold tenderness up to a fire." "Anyway, I can't even remember that you walked funny and had scrawny shoulders." "Did you?" "Who the hell cares?" "I'm here in the company of several fathers who occasioned pain in their sons." "Abraham did it to Isaac." "David to Absalom." "God Almighty himself even did it to His boy, Jesus." "If you love him, you'll surely hurt him." "It's just a fact of life." "Passion, pain... doesn't have to wreck your life unless you make it." "That's your choice." "Be brave in your pain, son." "I don't say that because you're not." "I'm proof that you didn't run off from it." "But keep brave." ""I once wrote you on October 21st, 1955." ""Richard made me a..." ""a very proud man."" "I'm up here in this cloud of witnesses and you can ask anything." "I brag about you all the time... until they're about to kick me out." "I love you, boy." "Dad." "So, how do you feel, little brother?" "Free." "And what does a free man do?" "I want to be on the reservation." "That's...that's where I want to be." "I want to be with those kids." "Then go." "I mean, you could do a lot of good there." "I think they'll do more good for me." "So, what's next, Brennan?" "Next, I want you to write a letter from your abba father God to you." "That I don't need to do." "Why?" "I know what that one would say." "It always cracks me up and..." "When people try to impress God because you don't have to impress God." "He's already knocked out by you." "And Picasso said something once that I really liked." "He said, he said that good taste is the enemy of great art." "And I think that's really true because good taste has everything to do with being cultured and being refined and... if art has to do with anything, it has to do with being human." "I remember, when I was a kid, I was a typical depressed adolescent." "People would always come up to me and say, say, "Cheer up." "God loves you."" "And I'd say, "Big deal." "God loves everybody." ""It don't make me special." ""It just proves that God ain't got no taste."" "And I don't think that he does." "And thank God." "So, I think that God takes the..." "He takes the messiness and the ugliness in our lives, and he makes the most beautiful art in the world out of it." "If you're half as cultured and refined as most Christians wish you were," "He would be useless to Christianity." "But God is a wild man." "And I hope that someday you have the chance to encounter Him." "But if you do, let me warn you, because you'd better hold on for dear life." "Or let go for dear life maybe is better." "♪ There's a wideness in God's mercy ♪" "♪ I cannot find in my own ♪" "♪ He keeps his fire burning ♪" "♪ To melt this heart of stone ♪" "♪ Keeps me aching with a yearning ♪" "♪ Makes me glad to have been caught ♪" "♪ In the reckless raging fury ♪" "♪ That they call the love of God ♪" "♪ Now I've seen no band of angels ♪" "♪ But I've heard the soldiers' songs ♪" "♪ Love hangs over them like a banner ♪" "♪ Love within them leads them on ♪" "♪ To the battle on the journey ♪" "♪ And it's never gonna stop ♪" "♪ Ever widening their mercies ♪" "♪ And the fury of His love ♪" "♪ Oh the love of God ♪" "♪ And oh the love of God ♪" "♪ The love of God ♪" "♪ Joy and sorrow are this ocean ♪" "♪ In their every ebb and flow ♪" "♪ Now the Lord a door has opened ♪" "♪ That all Hell could never close ♪" "♪ Here I've tested and made worthy ♪" "♪ Tossed about and lifted up ♪" "♪ In the reckless raging fury ♪" "♪ That they call the love of God ♪" "Is there anything you'd like to say to our listeners before we sign off?" "People are going to judge you." "People are going to condemn you." "You know, a matter of fact, it seems as though some people, that's exactly what they're looking for." "I would rather live in the verge of falling and let my security be found in the all-sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistic illusion of... moral excellence." "I guess I'd say go out and live real good." "I promise you'll get beat up real bad." "But in a little while, after you're dead, you 'll be rotted a way anyway." "It's not going to matter if you have a few scars." "But it will matter if you didn't live." "♪ Everybody each and all ♪" "♪ We're gonna die eventually ♪" "♪ It's no more or less our faults ♪" "♪ Than if is our destiny ♪" "♪ So now Lord I come to you ♪" "♪ Asking only for Your grace ♪" "♪ You know what I've put myself through ♪" "♪ All those empty dreams I chased ♪" "♪ And when my body lies in the ruins ♪" "♪ Of the lies that nearly ruined me ♪" "♪ Will You pick up the pieces that were pure and true ♪" "♪ And breathe your Life into them and set them free ♪" "♪ And when You start this world over again from scratch ♪" "♪ Will You make me anew out of the stuff that lasts ♪" "♪ Stuff that's purer than gold is ♪" "♪ Clearer than glass could ever be ♪" "♪ Can I be with You ♪" "♪ Can I be with You ♪" "And the Irish have always sort of traditionally have been afraid of going out to sea." "People go to Ireland and they come back and they have these really beautiful big sweaters, real big bulky, and they've got all kinds of stitches and stuff in them." "Well, they started doing that because each of those different stitches it's different charms and prayers and stuff that they would weave into their husband's sweaters." "And, uh, so, you know, if it worked, then their husbands would come back alive." "And if it didn't, because fish don't eat wool, they could tell who was who by what sweater was on them." "I just think that's a charming story." "It scares me when I talk to you guys and you guys think so highly of Christian music, contemporary Christian music especially, because I know a lot of us and we don't know jack about anything." "Not that I don't want you to buy our records." "Or come to our concerts, I sure do." "But you should come for entertainment." "If you really want spiritual nourishment, you should go to church." "Those people care about you." "You don't have to buy a ticket." "We are not saved because we're good." "We're good because we're saved." "And never forget what Jesus did for you." "Never take lightly what it cost him." "And never assume that if it cost him his very life, that it will cost you yours." "And when you wash up on that other shore, even though you've been disfigured beyond any recognition," "the angels are going to see you there and they'll go, "What is this?"" ""We're not even sure if he's human."" "But Jesus will say, "No, that's human." ""I know that one."" "And they'll say, "Jesus, how do you know that one?"" "And he will say, "Well, you see that sweater he's got on?""