"[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ]" "[ electricity crackling ] lt's alive!" "I worry about where this culture's heading." "Shut up, you old bitch!" "[ radio clicks ]" "♪ Ghost whip your ride ♪" "♪ Hot as a ghost on fire ♪" "♪ Ghost whip your ride ♪" "♪ Ghost whip your ride, ghost whip your ride ♪" "But why Earth, Jor-El?" "They're thousands of years behind us." "He will need that advantage." "And I will instruct him, guide him, see my life through his eyes as he will see it through mine." "Goodbye, my son." "And, for some reason, they put the big fork on the inside next to the salad fork." "Salad, in general, will be discussed later on in chapter 9." "Chapter 42" " Tipping." "This is open to debate, and there is no real right answer, but the consensus is 15 to 20% ." "And then, of course, there's the Dirty Sanchez." "This was a very popular dance move on Krypton." "And from what I can tell, they have it on Earth as well." "[ beep ]" "To continue, flip to side B." "Good luck, my son." "If I've calculated correctly, you have traveled through 12 galaxies to land in a small town in Kansas near a road where -- [ splash ] I love being a wuzzle!" "We get to be two animals at once!" "Take me -- l'm a bumblebee and a lion!" "And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo." "You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion?" "How'd your parents get together?" "Ow!" "What the hell!" "You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee?" "!" "Wow, you're cute, little bumblebee." "Hello, cutie, come here." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, ouch." "Oh, ouch." "Ow!" "Sting me in the hole." "Ouch!" "Sting me in the hole!" "Ouch!" "Sting me in the hole!" "ouch!" "[ groans ] I don't wanna think about that anymore." "What about you, Ellaroo?" "Now, this might hurt a little." "Aaaahhh!" "[ groans ]" "How about you, Don Keyhuman." "Well, as far as I know " "Actually I don't wanna know." "Me neither." "I'm good, I'm good." "We're gonna miss you when you're in Japan, Josh!" "Yeah!" "Which one's Josh?" "All the guys here kinda look like the same generic douche." "[ screaming ] [ roars ] [ people screaming ] [ roars ]" "Wow, that is really tasteless." "Oh, it's only been eight years since 9/1 1 , for God's sake!" "What are you thinking, bro?" "Man, can anybody answer that?" "What is that monster thinking?" "[ roars ]" "Dude!" "It's way too soon, dude!" "Terrible thing, man!" "Too soon!" "[ roars ] [ crowd booing ]" "Oh, are you sad because there's nothing to smash here?" "Well, that's because it was already smashed... by people who hate our freedom!" "[ booing continues ]" "So what you're doing here is very, very offensive." " What's it doing?" " lt's desecrating the site!" "No, look." "It's doing something else!" "[ cheering ]" "Hey, Cloverfield monster!" "[ gulping ]" "Ahhh." "I'll take that one." "Wow!" "Erin E-surance!" "That's right!" "E-surance handles your insurance needs all online." "Just quote, buy, and print." "With E-surance, you're always covered." "Hey, what are you " "Ow!" "What the fuck?" "!" "Oh, sorry." "You have a four-bullet deductible." "I have a what?" "You kept your monthly premium low by choosing a higher deductible, lt's a risk you had up front." "I wanna change my policy!" "No problem, your new policy will go into effect the first of the month." "[ groans ]" "That's four bullets!" "Anything else I can do for you today?" "Well, you're also covered by our awesome life insurance." "So your elderly mother is in for quite a windfall, or she would have been, if you hadn't missed your February payment." "NARRATOR:" "It's your greatest fear." "It fills you with dread." "Aaaaah!" "You find yourself screaming... who can I call to fix this drain?" "Earl McGarry, that's who." "He doesn't ask questions." "Here's your problem!" "You've got about 4 quarts of blood in here." "Trivia fact -- that's how much the human body holds!" "He's experienced!" "Here's your problem." "You got a ghoulie in here." "And he knows his stuff." "Here's your problem." "You got Glenn Close in here." "Not bonded by the state." "Coach, why do girls have to play with a ball that's twice the size of a normal baseball?" "Because girls aren't very strong or coordinated." "This summer, action hero Nicholas Cage stars in" "Rear Window 2." "Confined to a damned wheelchair." "[ deep sigh ]" "This isn't me." "Baby Palooza." "Hot diggedy dog." "Uh huh." "Yeah." "Do it right." "Oh, wow." "That's." "Not good." "♪ [ rock music plays ] ♪ [ tires screech ]" "Let's roll." "[ tires screech ]" "How's that for handicap access?" "Oh, wait, there's something on my shoe." "Your face." "Hiyah!" "[ tires screech ]" "Out of my way, fat man!" "Ahh." "Hey, kid." "Keep it wheel." "[ farts ] [ farts ]" ""How I Spent My Summer Vacation, by Bobby McCormick."" "Ah, you're dead meat, dorkwad!" "[ groans ] I'm Jason Chambers." "You just saw a conventional wedgie." "But today, on Human Weapon, we reveal the super wedgie known as" "The Brazilian Covered Wagon." "This is..." "The aggressor grabs securely on the elastic strap of the opponents underwear, and pulls directly back." "This move maximizes the amount of slack in the underwear for the upward thrust." "Lastly, a forward curving motion loops the underwear over the opponents forehead, drawing his head back in a painful arch." "Ha ha, five pounds more tensile strength on those BVDs, and that nerd's neck would snap." "Ha ha." "I truly, truly hate nerds." "Did some motherfucker call for a sappy song because y'all got the damn expert." "♪ ♪" "♪ You saw Smurfs fighting Snorks ♪" "♪ Fumbles drops a beer ♪" "♪ And some unlucky dork ♪" "♪ get turned into a deer ♪" "♪ And it occurs to me ♪" "♪ that season four ruled ♪" "♪ I saw lots of boobies ♪" "♪ and almost got laid ♪" "♪ I banged 20 beauties, yes I did ♪" "♪ oh, snap now I got feline aids ♪" "♪ Holla ♪ ♪" "♪ And to summarize things ♪" "♪ season four was off the chain ♪" "♪ We saw Joe Fleas dropping rhymes ♪" "♪ and it was was so awesome ♪" "♪ Superheroes looking chubby ♪" "♪ All the tears that I've cried ♪" "♪ I fought the terminator puppy ♪" "♪ And I cognitively processed ♪" "♪ that season 4 kicked undeniable ass ♪" "♪ Talk about karate on that ass ♪" "♪ There was violence galore ♪" "♪ Fart jokes, there were lots ♪" "♪ Oh, we tallied up the score ♪" "♪ There were 50 nut shots ♪" "♪ And I telepathically getting a message coming in right now ♪" "♪ that season four smoked you all over the face ♪" "Ladies and gentlemen, president of Adult Swim, Mike Lazzo." "Oh, man." "Oh, by the way, you're cancelled." "[ chuckles ]" "fyi." "[ chuckles ]" "Honey, sell the timeshare!" "Sell the timeshare!" "[ dance music plays ]"