"NARRATOR:" "Legendary Dethklok guitarist Skwisgaar Skwigelf has proven to be quite the ladies ' man over the years." "But has that come back to haunt him?" "Recent law suits claim that he has fathered" "Iiterally thousands of illegitimate children." "Of course that entire case wasthrown out after the following was submitted." "Skwisgaar is in no way the legal father, guardian, etc of these children." "You see, in order to get backstage or have any kind of audience with Skwigelf, every man woman and child must sign a "paternity waiver"" "that legally disallows even the notion that Skwisgaar could be the father of their children regardless of a potential positive DNA test." "Is there a bigger connection here?" "Skwisgaar Skwigelf never actually met his father." "Is that why he feels the need to father so many illegitimate children?" "Is the lack of a father in Skwigelf's life the reason he became a guitar god?" "And can he stay a guitar god?" "Is the pressure of being a deadbeat father getting to him?" "?" "?" "He even cancelled several Dethklok dates citing guitar exhaustion." "How can a man continue this kind of sexual promiscuity and still lead a normal life?" "Is Skwigelf on the verge of a nervous guitar breakdown?" "Here you are, ma'am." "Sorry about the loss in the law suit." "However, we'd like to donate a standard issue parting package including enough money for college tuition, food stamps, the entire Dethklok CD catalogue, and of course $5 off at Hot Topic." "There you go." "Mr. Skwigelf!" "How do you feel about all the fatherless children and abandoned mothers out there?" "Please stand away or you'll be tasered." "(taser buzzes, man screams)" "How you doing over there?" "You okay?" "Yeah, uh." "What are you, uh, thinking about your dad?" "Yeah." "I mean he could have left, uh, right after the deed was done and, uh, never even held you in his arms." "The mighty strength of a father's touch" "lost forever." "Gone." "My father had strong hands." "I think it's time I found my father." "?" "Doodily ding dong tick-tock ?" "?" "Doodily ding dong tick-tock ?" "?" "Doodily ding dong tick-tock ?" "?" "Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "?" "So, uh, I think we should be a little sensitive toward Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot." "He started searching for his biological father." "So maybe we can just show a little affection towards him." "Ha ha!" "Dats gays!" "C'mon man, don't say, "showing affection"" "and expect us to fuckin' react." "Okay, well guys listen." "I mean think about it." "Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?" "So?" "My dad's just died." "And I'm totally cools with it." "Guys, I'm saying he never even had a " "My father's dead and I'm totally fine." "I love that my dad's dead." "I got no relationship with my dad." "Other than I hate him, you know?" "Get out of here." "You belong in a garbage can." "You know, I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name." "And I'm proud." "I'm proud to know that I don't know that." "Alright, I get it." "Fine." "You are all without fathers, alright." "I'm not." "'Fucking love my dad." "My dad's fucking awesome." "Just be nice to Skwisgaar alright everybody, okay?" "See what we can do to make his life a little bit easier alright?" "Eh, make his life easier huh?" "I don't wants to sounds insensitives buts I means uhhh, if Skwisgaars doesn't gets his craps togethers" "I may really has a shots at beings leads guitarist!" "Me Toki!" "Finallys ams no mores in de shadows." "Whats do you thinks about dat, Pickle?" "Toki, don't you think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions?" "Jumps to conclusions?" "Whats de fucks am dats supposed to means, huh?" "Nothing." "Nothing!" "You listens to me." "Whens I becomes leads guitarist things am gonna change around here!" "Fine fine, just let go of me!" "You're squeezing my nipples off!" "I'm sorry!" "Don't get physical with people!" "One minute, 45 seconds..." "Hey Nate look, look." "I got to talk to you." "You know how my role in this band has always been that of like a band father." "I'm sure you'll agree." "You know?" "I'm kind of like the father, the seeds of the band." "You know what I'm saying." " Ugh." "Well, you know Skwisgaar, he doesn't have a father." "So you get where I'm going with this?" " Uhh..." "I'm the band father." "He's fatherless." "Would you move a little bit please?" "Oh sure." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "See I'm going to help Skwisgaar to experience what it's like to have a father." "See this is what I do best!" "I do it anyway." "Can you move a little bit further?" "I just wanna -- you're in front of the microwave." "Oh sorry right." "Can I say one other thing?" "I think it's a really bad idea." "What?" "To fuck around with Skwisgaar's whole father issue." "Skwisgaar doesn't have a father." "I'll be his father." "What are you dildos looking at?" "You know Skwisgaar is not the only one without a father around here." "You know?" "Rumors have circulated causing a frenzied panic that Skwisgaar Skwigelf has started a worldwide search for his biological father." "Anythings yet?" "Not yet, sire." "Several thousand gentlemen have come forward claiming to be your father." "Several thousgand?" "They all claim to have had sex with your mother," "Surfetta, in a period of a month." "This seems impossible, sire." "Ugh, you don't know my moms." "Ugh." "Perhaps she would be of aide in this search." "Shall I contact her?" "No!" "Don't contact her." "You liable winds up being a candidate for my dads too." "Alright you know?" "Anyways, I think she's part of the problem." "Moms, I'm homes." "(grunting)" "?" "?" "(growling)" "?" "?" "?" "?" "Knock knock!" "Can I come in?" "Skwisgaar, I want to offer you something absolutely spectacular." "I'm offering to be your father, uh, a father." "A father figure for you." "I wanna be your father, figure." "Skwisgaar just treat me like the dad you never had." "Call me Dad." "Go on, give it a shot." "Just call me Dad." "Go on." "(door opens)" "Hey, uh I'm just seeing what you guys are doing, you know?" "See if anybody, you know, maybe wanted to take me to the park or something." "Pickles!" "Fuck off!" "I'm having a man to man talk with my... strong and brave little solider here." "I'm very brave." "And very strong too, I mean." "Pickles damn it." "I'm going to count to three." "I don't understand why you don't" "Shut your mouth and listen!" "I'm going to count to three and you better beat it or I will seriously spank your ass red." "But I wanna hang out too!" " One!" " Why can't I go?" "!" " Two!" " Why can't I hang out!" " Three!" " Whoaaaa!" "Anyway, what were we talking about?" "Oh!" "I've got a lot of fun planned for us, junior!" "Let's get those boots on!" "Come on!" "?" "?" "Whoa, whoa." "Pickle!" "What's wong with you?" "What's going on?" "Nothing." "Just -- why does Murderface favor Skwisgaar over me?" "What's wrong with me?" "Wait, so what Murderface is really acting" "like a father to Skwisgaar?" "I mean." "How's that going?" "It's goings great!" "I mean, you should see them together!" "They get along like real father and son." "I mean, what about us?" "And here we sit like a couple of homos." "Totally excluded." "Just like my old man did to me!" "Yeah!" "Me, too!" "This is gonna screw me up so much!" "I know it is." " Murderface!" "I know it is!" "Any news on my fathers?" "I am sorry, my lord, but none of the DNA tests match." "(big sigh)" "All those thousands of men managed to ejaculate into your mother without being your father." "He must still be out there." "But he hasn't come forward." "All those men." "All that ejaculate." "Yes, thank you." "I understands." "Just..." "Please leaves me be." "Hey, what about us?" "When will we be satisfied?" "I never thoughts I would say dis but..." "I'm nots in de mood." "?" "?" "Ahhhhhhhhh!" "Noooooo!" "(falcon cries)" "And he threw his guitar into the snow." " He did?" " Yes!" "But dude, that's his guitar!" "He's never done anything like that before." "Oh whats, thats horribles for hims." "Poor guy." "So whats does this means for the bands, the future, mes?" "?" "?" "Skwisgaar's coming down now." "Perhaps he'll have some good news that'll get him back on track." "Ah, here he is, here he is." "I'm going to play you a message my moms just left me." "Skwisgaar." "Come home to Sweden." "I found him." "I found your father." "She founds my fathers." " That's great!" " What?" "Father?" "And I'm moving back to Sweden." "Wait, what?" "And I'm quitting de band." "Goodbye." "Skwisgaar Skwigelf has left Dethklok to find his father." "General Crozier." "Skwigelf has inherited an unyielding promiscuity from his mother, Surfetta Skwigelf." "This has made determining the father quite difficult." "But even more dangerous, the band appears to be suffering from father abandonment issues." "Here to tell us more is our fatherhood expert" "Dr. Imptnin Pmiltson." "Dr. Pmiltson?" "Skwisgaar Skwigelf has excelled beyond that of a mortal." "Is he a god?" "His parents suggest he is no mere mortal." "Like Zeus, he would descend from Olympus to impregnate mortal women, thus creating a world of demi-gods much like Skwigelf and these recent paternity suits." "And now he threatens to move back to his homeland, Sweden?" "Why?" "He wishes to resume his life as a mortal." "A god must give up all the power that gave him life." "And once the commoners realize they have lost their god, they will turn." "Dis ams your dads." " You ams my fathers?" " Whats?" "No." "He ams your news dads." "Your stepfathers." "We ams got married!" "I ams Tyr." "Goods to meet you!" "But you saids you found my fathers." "Yeah!" "It ams hims!" "Wait." "Now you says that he ams my steps fathers." "Yeah well dats whats I meant." "Whatevers!" "He ams nows yours family." "Steps father." "Do you thinks you could have been clearer on de phones?" "He ams now's your dads." "I want you twos to gets alongs." "He ams a woodworkers and you guys get alongs as Tyr does dabbles in Prague musics." "(sighs)" "?" "?" "Whats happens in here?" "Did somebodys throw a party?" "Yeah it sure looks likes a mess." "Who did it?" "Probably your sons dids thats parts." "Thats was probably yous sons that did." "My sons the ones that goes and whats gets good grades at school." "Well somebodys going to have to be punished." "Dats your parts too." "I dos the nice part." "Yous do the punish." "Guu." "You good cops bad cops." "Ehhhh?" "Oh yeah!" "Dats what's I told ya." "Ehhuhh." "But that's what I told ya." "Oh yeah!" "But that's what I told you!" "(both giggle)" "This ams the best episodes of" "Two Swedish Dads Whats Are Yous." "(giggles)" "(moans)" "Okay." "Dats all I can takes of dis." "Goodnights." "Dats all you can takes of whats?" "Of you!" "The twos of yous gropins each other." "I can hear your saliva." "It ams fucking disgustings!" "Skwisgaar!" "Don't talks to your mothers dats way!" "Fuck you!" "Alrights!" "You amments my fucking dad!" "Ahhhhhhhhh!" "(screaming)" "(screaming in agony)" "What have I done?" "Wait stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Toki!" "Whats?" "You've got to turn it down!" "Alright?" "Whats am your problems!" "Do you think you may be overdoing it a little on volume and playing just a touch?" "No!" "I don't happens to thinks I'm overdoings it." "Looks, all you I ams leads guitarist now and we does it my way or de highway!" "Hey." "Murderface!" "Are you even here?" "What are you doing?" "I mean you wanna weigh in on this?" "Hold on!" "Hold on, geez!" "Hey son." "It's..." "it's Dad-er-face..." "I mean, is your phone off?" "You just left and as your fa-- friend..." "I'm just..." "Great." "You owe me one Dethphone." "Fuck you!" "Why is it always about Skwisgaar!" "He's not here and it's still about him!" "Okay." "Okay." "Come back here and argue with me!" "Come back I was bad!" "I broke your phone." "Punish me!" "Why are you ignoring me!" "Okay guys!" "Fuckin' wake up!" "Murderface, get the fuck back in here." "Get." "Back." "In." "Here." "Gaw." "I'm not going to take this lying down alright?" "This is my band." "You're my stupid, dumb, fucked-up, dysfunctional family alright?" "We're gonna go to Sweden, and we're gonna get Skwisgaar back alright?" "Because this is not fuckin' working." "I wanteds to apologizek you." "I am sorry." "I wanted to apologizeks to you too." "I shouldn't have yelled at you." "I now sees that you actually cares about my mothers." "Yuh and she cares about you too Skwisgaar." "Huh." "Yeah she does." "You ams a good man." "Thanks you." "?" "?" "Oh, man, this is my chance to really get in good with Surfetta and uh, and really get close to the family and then I'll really be a Skwigelf you know... making love to Surfetta." " What?" " What?" " What?" " What?" " What?" " What are you talking about?" " What?" " What?" "You know Toki, right before I left home when I was a teenager, my dad turned to me and he said," ""Get out." "You belong in a garbage can."" "And I left." "And I always regretted not staying there and beating the living shit out of my father." "You know?" "I never did." "And, and now I hang out with Murderface and I feel like that opportunity is back." "Dude, he is triggering something in me that's just incredibly violent and ugly." "It's just.." "I'll just make a point to keep it in check." "There." "No problem." "Alright guys, time to get serious." "I think this is where he is." "Just follow my lead." "?" "?" "There he is." "Right there!" " Skwisgaar!" " Oh, there you are!" "Look how big you've gotten." "Oh, come here." "Now listen." "I know you needed some time to reconnect with your family and I know that's important but I just want to" "I'm not coming back with you." "The band is dead." "I'm not the person I used to be." "I'm now one of these people here, a human, a regular jackoffs." "What?" "I'm part of a real family with a mother and a father." "And I'm living here in the real world." "And I'm finallys happy." "What are you talking about?" "Are you crazy?" "I has mades my decision." "Please leaves me." "By the way you're not a fucking regular person, all right?" "You're not one of these stupid, sad humps." "Stop trying to fool yourself, okay?" "You're better than these fucking dumb-shits." "Found another father huh?" "Well I'm going to follow you home and make sure your mother falls in love with me." "Sweet, dear Surfetta." "I'm coming!" "Well, you made your decisions." "You've stands by whats yous believes in and thats that." "Hey, I just wanteds to says to you dat evens though you amments my reals dads," "I considers you more of a father than anyone could be." "Thanks you." "You good kids Skwisgaar." "You goods kids." "Oh nooooooo!" "Ahhhhhhh!" "SURFETTA:" "Faster." "Harder." "More." "That's it." "Noooooooooooooooo!" "I can't do this." "I'm leaving." "(men grunting)" "?" "?" "?" "I don't know who I am ?" "?" "Am I a god or a man ?" "?" "I was birthed from a spectre a ghost in the light ?" "?" "Could it be that the gods gave me my life ?" "?" "If it's true then I'm no man ?" "?" "I'm a god that's what I am ?" "?" "I was built to spread my loins into the wombs of this world ?" "?" "and I'll spray my holiness onto the breasts of all these girls ?" "?" "I'm no man ?" "(indistinct)" "?" "Godlike is what I am ?" "?" "I'ms a god ?" "?" "?" "Wait!" "Stop!" "I'm coming with." "Skwisgaar." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "You were right." "I'm not a normal humans." "I am a god." "(thunder crashes)" "Move over Pickles!" "Let Skwisgaar in!" " I am." " No let him in first!" " I am!" " No you're not!" "Get out." "You belong in a garbage can." "Get out of here." "You belong in a garbage can." "I belong in a garbage can?" "You belong in a garbage can!" " You belong in a garbage can!" " Take that!" "You belong in a garbage can." "Finish hims off!" "?" "?"