"Filmexport Home Video presents" "The second part of Jaroslav Hasek's" "THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK" "BEG TO REPORT, SIR," "I AM" "HERE" "AGAIN!" " Schweik!" "Hurry up!" "We're leaving in a few minutes time!" "Film Treatment:" "Music" "Played by the Film Symphonic Orchestra conducted by:" "Decorations:" "Interior decorations:" "Costume-designer:" "Make-up:" "Sound-Recording:" "Editor:" "Assistant director:" "Assistant cameraman:" "Script:" "Assistant architect:" "Assistant editor:" "Deputy-chief of production:" "Production chief:" "The players:" "Camera:" "Director:" "Produced by the Barrandov Film Studio the Felix-Daniel creative group" "So we've lost a suitcase." "And you say that just like that, you twerp!" " Beg to report, Sir, it was really stolen!" "There always were and always will be a lot of thieves at railway stations." "And I know of a lady, for instance, who had a pram with the baby stolen on the Northwestern railway station." " Shut up!" "I never know whether you just pretend to be stupid or whether you were really born that way." " It would take another man a thousand years to do as many silly things as you have managed to do in the few weeks you have been with me." "I hope you have noticed it too!" " Beg to report, Sir, that I have." "I am a very keen observer, Sir, but usually when it's too late." "It seems to me that I am just as unlucky as a certain Nechleba from the Nekazanka street, who always went to the pub at the "Dog's Kennels"." " Leave me alone with your reminiscences!" "What was in the suitcase, I'd like to know?" " Nothing much, Sir." "The mirror and coat-hanger from the hall, but that belonged to the landlord anyway." "As soon as we conquer some town, we'll get another coat-hanger." " Shut up!" "As soon as we get to Budejovice, we will settle the matter!" "Do you know, Schweik, that I'll have you locked up?" " Beg to report, Sir, that I don't know." "U ou forgot to mention it before." "With your permission, Sir, aren't you a certain Mr. Purkrabek, an agent of the Slavia Bank?" "Beg to report, Lieutenant, I've read in the papers some time ago, that every decent human being should have from 60 to 70,000 hairs on his head." "And that black hair is usually, thinner, which is a fact proved by many examples." "I've also heard a student remark in Spirka's coffee-house, that loss of hair is a result of mental trauma in the first six weeks of life." " Du Schweinkerl!" "Du verfluchter Kerl..." "Donnerwetter!" "Was!" " I never meant you any offense, Sir!" "When you don't know how to behave on a train, you should stay..." " Lieutenant!" "Where did you go to Officer's Training School?" " In Prague, Sir!" " And you don't even know that an officer is always responsible for his subordinates?" "That's a nice thing...!" "U ou also speak to your batman as if he were your friend." "And you permit him to speak without being asked!" "Nice goings on...!" " General..." " U ou also permit him to offend his superiors," "That tops it off...!" "U ou will soon see what will happen to you!" "What's your name?" " Lukas, Sir." " Where are you stationed?" " I was..." " I am not asking you, where you have been!" "I want to know where you are now!" " I've just been posted from Prague to Ceske Budejovice." " I see." "So you've been posted?" "Good for you!" "It won't do you any harm to see a battlefield as soon as possible..." " That has been decided some time ago, Sir." " Really?" "Schweik, the moment has now come for you to get your face slapped in a way the world has never seen before!" "Why did you attack that bald-headed gentleman?" "Do you know that he is Major-General von Schwarzburg?" " That I didn't know, but I can tell you he looked exactly like Mr. Purkrabek!" " Shut up!" "This is not the first time your stupidity has got me into trouble!" " But, Lieut..." " And don't stick to me all the time!" "With your permission, Sir." " U es, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." " Would you mind if I asked you something?" " Just go on asking." " I used to know a fellow called Hofman, who always insisted that all those emergency signals are ineffective." "And they never work anyway." "So I'd like to know, whether that's true, in case I ever need it." " That fellow was lying." "Of course they work." " Just look at that." " Look!" "If you pull this..." " Downwards, you mean?" " Of course downwards and not upwards...!" "...the train will stop." "Because the brakes are connected through all the cars to the engine." "The emergency brakes have to work, see?" "I am telling you!" "It was here, sir!" "It was this soldier who pulled the emergency cord!" "Shouldn't we move on, chaps?" "It's not good for a train to be late." "If it was in peacetime, it wouldn't matter." "But now there is a war on, and everybody should know that the train might be carrying military personnel!" "Generals, Lieutenants, Batmen." "Such delays are terrible things." "At Waterloo, Napoleon was only five minutes late and where did he end with all his glory?" " Schweik!" " Beg to report, Sir, that they're blaming me for having stopped the train." " Get in, will you?" "But immediately!" " Get in, get in!" "We're going!" "I'll show you!" "U ou'll see!" " I'd have never believed a train could stop just like this..." " This will cost you twenty crowns." " I didn't do it." "Look at me, you can see I'm no hoodlum!" " I'm not going to argue with you!" "The station master at Tabor will explain it to you properly!" " As you please." "I always like to talk to educated people." "The express for Ceske Budejovice - ready to leave!" " People, I'm innocent!" "Upon my soul, I'm innocent!" " Pardon me!" "What happened?" " They're just bothering a poor little soldier." " Sir, please help me to explain to this gentleman that I'm innocent!" " U ou are keeping us from work!" "Either you're going to pay 20 crowns, or..." " A man, going to the war to offer his life for the Emperor, does not take any money along..." " Listen, station-master, it's nothing to get excited about!" "Give me a receipt, I'm going to pay the fine for this soldier." " What a decent gent!" "What a decent gent!" " What a really decent gent!" " U ou can see that he's good!" "A real good-hearted soul!" " The train for Votice, Benesov..." " Waiter, the bill!" "I've had two beers, and this soldier two sausages, a goulash, 4 rolls and 5 beers." "Keep the change." " Thank you, Sir." " As I've told you already, the fact that you've lost your Lieutenant with the papers, mustn't worry you." "Here's a fiver for your ticket." "Don't be silly, take it!" "Everybody seems to be going to Russia these days!" "I hope you've got some sense and won't stay on the front long..." "Do you get me?" "We are Czechs, aren't we..." "As soon as you are in Russia, as a P.O.W., give my greetings to innkeeper Zeman in Zdolbunov." "All you have to tell him is:" "Greetings from Tabor." "He'll understand." "And drink, man, drink!" " The express for Veseli" " Mezimosti, Horni Dvoriste," "Vienna, ready to leave!" "Magyarul?" " I am a Czech, my boy." "Would you like a drop?" " Nem tudom, baratom." " It doesn't matter, just have a drink." "Drink it up, man, drink it up!" " Ah!" "Koszonom szivesen." " Don't mind it, man." "Waiter, bring us another one, will you?" " The train for Sobeslav, Veseli" " Mezimosti and Ceske Budejovice, all aboard!" " Front?" "Nichts?" " That's nothing for me, my boy." " Moskali." "Pif, paf, puc!" " U ou..." "Du Angriff?" "Vorwarst?" " Ah!" "Ruckzug." "Laufsrit!" " Wai..." "Waiter!" "Another one!" "U our documents!" "Military Police!" " Harom gyermek." "Harom!" " I understand!" "U ou've got three children." "U ou have." " Eljen!" "Eljen!" " Go on, Eljen!" "Just drink," "My Hungarian friend!" "U ou wouldn't give me a treat like that..." " lhre Dokumente!" "No also!" "U our documents!" "Schnell, schnell!" " I don't have any, darling." " Was ist das "darling"?" " "Darling"..." "Das ist wie..." "Herr Feldwebel." " What are you saying, darling?" "U ou are all alone?" "U es, yes." "Of course I'll be with you in a minute!" "I'm on my way!" "Bye, bye!" "Herein!" "...and all this on Christmas Eve." " Beg to report, Lieutenant, this man's been found on the station without any sort of papers." " It must be at this very moment..." "Come here!" "What have you been doing at the station?" " Beg to report, Sir, I've been waiting for a train to Ceske Budejovice to get to my 91 Battalion, where I'm batman with Lieutenant Lukas, whom I had to leave, as I was brought here to be fined as I was under suspicion" "of having stopped the express by using the emergency brakes." " I don't understand any of this." "Give it to me straight now, without mixing it all up!" " Beg to report, Sir, ever since we got onto the express, we've been pursued by bad luck." " U ou mean with the emergency cord?" " No!" "To begin with, we lost a suitcase, and a major-general, who was quite bald-headed..." " Come to the point, please!" " Before the whole matter was settled, I tell you, the train left and I was left behind like an orphan, without any sort of documents." " Why didn't you follow them by the next train?" " Beg to report, Sir, while I was waiting for this next train," "I had the misfortune to drink one beer after the other in the station pub." " Do you know what it means if you call someone an imbecile?" " Beg to report, Sir, on our street lives an imbecile." "His father was a Polish count and his mother a midwife." "He cleaned the street and asked people to call him "U our Excellency"..." " I've had enough of you!" "U ou're now going to the counter to buy a ticket for Budejovice and leave immediately, do you understand?" " Beg to report, Sir, I understand, but I've got no money at all..." "I drank all I had for tickets." " In that case, you fool, you'll have to walk!" "As far as I'm concerned, they can lock you up at your regiment for being late!" "Corporal, take that man to the railway station and show him the way to Budejovice!" " I woke you up, here in Putim, didn't I?" "U ou are no gendarmes here, but village policemen!" "Instead of increasing your watchfulness by 1000%%, you're getting as low as beasts!" "Don't sneeze when you're reporting to me!" "All you ever do is lie around the house and think that, you and your war can go to hell!" " Sir..." " Wait a minute!" "U ou, come here!" " That's our charwoman, Sir." " Do tell me where they had a pig to slaughter!" " At the mill, Sir!" "The pig was over 180 kilos net weight!" "If you wouldn't take offense Sir, I would..." " Take it way!" " We've also got very good pickled meat, Sir!" " Shut up, man!" "U ou know the weight of a pig!" "Captain, Sir..." " But the fact that the forests are full of deserters does not seem to concern you!" "Every day, I keep sending you circulars, reports, instructions, questionnaires, secret dispatches!" "Don't I?" "And where are they?" "!" " I've got everything, Captain!" "Everything!" "Everything in perfect order Captain!" "Captain, I've locked all those papers up in the wardrobe." "Where are those keys again?" "Here they are!" " That's a nice thing..." "U ou have not removed the seals at all, have you?" " An official seal Captain..." " So you are not interested what's going on at the battle-field..." " Our victorious armies are matching forward!" " U es." "Ehm." "Of course." " U es, Sir!" " But the transfer of our armies in East Galizia has caused parts of the Russian armies to cross the Carpathians." "In short, the Russians are sending spies across the front, over to our side!" "There's many a Czech among those spies, and they've all been specially trained!" "And these are the most dangerous ones, as they speak Czech very well!" "Therefore everybody, who is in the least suspicious, must be apprehended and questioned thoroughly." "U ou must also send a report every week about the mood the local inhabitants are in." " Beg to report, Sir, that the local people are much too dumb to be spies." " That's correct!" "But in the times of war, we must be specially observant and careful!" "U ou have to find a way to get the people's confidence." "Besides, you'll have some money granted to you, to pay out to a local informer, who'll bring you all the news in time." "Good day, soldier." "Where are you going?" " I'm going to join my regiment in Budejovice, grandma, to go to the war!" " U ou're going the wrong way, my boy, you'll never get there." "This way, you'll get to Klatovy." " I think that you can get to Budejovice from Klatovy too." " Look, my boy, wait for me behind that barn over there!" "I'll bring you some potato-soup, to warm you up." " Thanks very much, grandma, you're very good to me!" "Eat it up, my boy, eat it up!" "It will do you good!" " Thanks grandma." " And don't show yourself much in our village." "And try to avoid Razice too." "The gendarmes are as hard as nails there and try to catch deserters all the time!" "Cross the meadows to get directly to Herman." "There's a very good chief-of-police, he lets everybody pass." "Do you have any papers?" " I don't, grandma." " In that case, avoid Herman too, and cross the woods to get to Protivin." "There, in the lower street, you'll find a friend of mine, old Melicharek." "He's my brother." "Tell him I sent you and he'll show you the way to Budejovice." " Thanks, grandma, and now I'll have to go." " God be with you, my boy." "I have two grandsons in the war." "And buy something to warm you up at Maletice, it's a long way yet to Protivin." " Good bye, then." " Good bye, soldier." "Get to it!" "Get on with you, Rampa!" " Please." " Open the envelopes, Sofort!" "And you too!" "Can't stop sneezing by now?" " I can't help it." "I'm sure I'm going to be ill." "I'll have to go to bed." " Of course...!" "The place is full of spies and you're going to lie on your sick bed..." "That would suit you...!" "There'll be arrests made!" "Listen, have you ever seen a spy?" " Who, me?" "No." "Have you?" " Well, I haven't seen one, but I would surely know him!" "It's easy to say "get the favor of the local people"..." "But how?" " I know how." " U ou do?" " U es." " Go on, out with it!" " I'm afraid." "U ou'll say again that I talking nonsense." " Go on, say it!" " Well..." "But I'd rather not." "Maybe it's just a stupid idea." " U ou don't know anything!" "U ou're just trying to show off!" " Well, if you insist I am going to tell it." " I don't want to hear anything!" "Anything!" " If Rampa, over there, was worth a penny, and if he wanted to, he could learn a few songs on his bugle, and he could get to be a member of the local band." " That's an idea." "Rampa!" "Leave everything and go practice on your bugle!" " But yesterday you told me to stop." " What was yesterday mustn't to be today." "An order is an order!" "Take your bugle and go practice!" "Go on!" "But what about getting a paid informer..." "I think right, and think left, and I can't make it out." " Mah." "Mah." " Johnny, you've come at the right moment, once in your life!" "Come in!" "I'm telling you come in!" "So, Pepek." "Rampa!" "U ou're disturbing me during an official act!" " But you have just told me..." " I suggest you practice in jail for now, it's empty anyway!" "Do you see that picture over there?" "Do you know who it is?" "That's the Emperor, do you understand?" " Mah." " All right." "Here's 20 mites." "And if you hear that the Emperor is a beast, or that we won't win this war, you'll come here and tell me who said it, understand?" "!" " Mah." " All right." "And now jump-up!" " Mah." "Mah." " So." "Well, and we've got an informer!" "Now I'll make out the report." "Where's the inkpot?" "The ink-pot!" "Donnerwetter!" "Damn you!" "U ou've lost it again...!" "If you want something done..." " Here it is." " It's about time...!" "Let's write!" "Bribe to local informer mer." "Well, let's say... fifty crowns, shall we?" " Hm." " 50 crowns." "Do you have a light, pal?" " U ou shouldn't walk about in that!" "There's many a police-man about now, and you can't go begging in it anyway." "Where are you going?" " To Budejovice." "For God's sake, man, there they'll get you within the hour!" "U ou must wear civvies!" "And dirty, old ones too, and pretend to limp." "Don't worry, I'll take a care of you!" "I'll get you some civvies, too." "Come along, just come along!" "My grandfather also deserted." "But that was during the war with old Napoleon." "They got him at Vodnany and beat him up so that he couldn't sit for weeks." "And he could call himself lucky." "The grandfather of Jaros from Razice was executed in Pisek." "And when did you desert?" " Right after the draft!" "As soon as they took us to the barracks." " And did you climb the fence?" " Of course, grandpa, I couldn't have got away any other way!" " And the guards?" "Did they shoot?" " Of course, grandpa." " And where are you going now?" " He's crazy, for sure!" "He wants to go to Budejovice." "Such a young chap, and got no sense." "Trying to get to his own destruction." " Help yourself, boys, you're welcome." "If this war lasts much longer, people will have to eat roots and leaves again." "They didn't appreciate the good life anyway." "Even mutton wasn't good enough for them!" "All they wanted was pork and poultry, all swimming in lard." "Open up, gramps!" " A policeman!" "U ou'll have to hide!" " Come on, quickly!" "Good evening!" " Good evening, grandpa!" " Don't tell me you have lost your way, my boy!" " Of course not!" "We're looking for deserters." " Here in the sheep's barn?" " No, in the woods." "All I want from you is to warm up a bit." " That's a different matter." "The inhabitants of the village of Putim are absolutely loyal and according to the instructions and grades issued by the Emperor's Interior Ministry," "the mood they are in can be called first class - 1 A." "It continues:" "A paid informer has been recruited..." "What's that damn fellow's name anyway?" " I don't know." " What?" " Everybody calls him Up-Jump-Up." " Johnny jump up..." "Excellent!" "Write!" "John Jumper." " Chief, you've got a head!" " That's why I'm chief of the gendarmes at Putim, do you know?" "U ou'll never be anything but a corporal, having a coconut instead of a head!" "Understand?" "U es!" "The above mentioned informer is a hard working, diligent citizen, loving His Majesty and the throne and..." "God, that woman added so many spices to the cucumber, as if..." "Where did we stop?" " Loving His Majesty and the throne." "U es." "And his throne, that's quite all right." "Have a look outside, a tramp is hanging about there!" "Get on with you!" "Come in, come in, come in!" "Come in, come in, come in!" "I'm wishing you all a good afternoon." " U ou're welcome, soldier, sit down." "U ou must be tired anyway." "And tell us, where you are going." " To Budejovice, to join my regiment." " If that's the case, you're going the wrong way." "Look, soldier!" "That's us, Putim." "South from here, there's Protivin." "And South of Protivin, there's Budejovice." "So you see that you're not going to Budejovice, but from Budejovice!" " But I'm going to Budejovice." " Well." "And where did you start from, to get to Budejovice?" " From Tabor." " And what have you been doing at Tabor?" " I was waiting for the train to Budejovice." " And why didn't you take the train to Budejovice?" " Because I didn't have any money, to buy a ticket with." " And why didn't they give you an army ticket for free?" " Because I didn't have any papers." " The Russians are sending spies across the front over to our side." "Amongst those spies there are many Russian Czechs, specially trained." "They are doubly dangerous, because they speak Czech very well." " Corporal!" "Search him!" " I'll take my clothes off." "Can you tell me why you've got nothing, absolutely nothing in your pockets?" " Because I don't need anything." " And what were you doing at the station in Tabor?" " I just talked to soldiers, asked them what regiment they are serving in, and where they are going." " Just talked to soldiers..." "U ou didn't by any chance ask them how many men there are in a regiment." " I've known that by heart for a long time." " Do you speak Russian?" " No." " He doesn't." "But that doesn't matter." "We'll keep you here anyway." " Well, why not." "It's nice and warm here, and the stove is in perfect order." " Oh... well!" "Close the door!" "Come here!" "Did you hear it?" "He doesn't speak Russian..." "But I fairly plastered him with questions, didn't I?" "He is sure to be a superior officer!" "What are you staring at?" "Of course the Russians are not going to send a common private over to spy for them." " Chief, I was flabbergasted!" "U ou are almost as clever as Sherlock Holmes!" " My dear fellow, criminal investigations are based on brains and gentleness." "Go and get something to eat now!" "Send the charwoman to the pub and then tell her to make lots of tea with rum!" "Get out!" "No, wait!" "Don't say a word to anybody, it's a military secret!" "Go on!" "Well." "Oh!" "Leave those classics alone and get on with learning some folk songs, do you hear?" "Well, here we are!" "U es." "Address:" "To the esteemed Bez..." "Bezirks..." "Oh..." "What am I doing?" "The highly esteemed bezirksgendarmeriekommando," "Pisek." "Pisek." "Oh..." "Well, what do you say?" "It's good, isn't it?" " Quite good, yes!" " Mmm." "Just tell me, man, how you can play a hunter's song, when you are wearing a gendarme's uniform?" "!" "Stop it immediately, before we get in trouble!" "So!" "Well." "So." "According to all the signs, the man must be a clever Russian spy, who speaks the Czech language fluently and attempted attempted to..." "What was it he attempted to do?" "Ehm..." "Corporal!" "Come here!" "He attempted to..." "Why did you come in?" "Oh!" "Did he get his lunch?" " Pork, with sauerkraut and dumplings." " And what is he doing now?" " He's drinking tea with rum and looks quite happy." " That's what I'd call cheek!" "That man must be perfectly aware of the fact that he is facing certain death!" "He must have nerves of steel." "If we had people like that in Austria..." "Don't keep nodding your head!" "Go and question him again!" "If I don't do everything myself..." "Did you like your dinner?" " Well, it was quite good." " Oh." " A pity I didn't get more sauerkraut." "And the tea with rum was very good, too." " They drink a lot of tea in Russia." "Do they have rum, too?" " Well, rum's all over the world." " Oh..." "And are there pretty girls in Russia?" " Pretty girls are also all over the world, chief." " Come on, tell us how you like it here in Bohemia...?" " I like Bohemia very much." "I've always met nice people on my journey." " The people here are good." "A small theft or brawl here and there, that does not matter." "Well." "And what were you going to do at Budejovice?" " I wanted to serve with the 91st Regiment and follow them to the front." " That's the easiest way to get to Russia." "Do you know how to take photographs?" " U es, I do." " And why don't you carry a camera?" " Because I haven't got one." " Hm." "And if you had one, you would take photographs?" " If I had one, that's no use considering." " Tell me, is it difficult to take a picture of a railway station?" " Easier then most, it does not move all the time and you don't have to tell it to look pleasant." " I see!" "Well, we're going to take you to Pisek in the morning." "By the way, have you ever been to Pisek before?" " In the year 1910, I took part in the Emperor's maneuvers." " The whole maneuvers?" " Of course, as a private of the infantry." " Oh." "Corporal!" "Give him some more tea with rum!" "And for me too!" "And put more rum in it!" "Up, Slav brothers, our nation is still alive." "Up, Slav brothers, our nation is still alive." "Thunder and hell, and all your power, manage nothing against us." " My dear Slav brother!" "Come on, my little spy!" "Don't worry!" "The Cossacks will be in Moravia any minute now!" " Long live the Russian tsar!" "Let's make him King of Bohemia!" " Of course!" "They have to keep Franz Joseph locked up in the lavatory anyway, otherwise he would dirty the whole castle of Schonbrunn!" " Stop it, men, we are in a police station!" " Grandma, come here!" "Go to the pub and tell them to send me another bottle of "Kontusovka"." "Go on!" " Please, master, give me some money!" "U ou owe me for three years of cleaning." " Shut up, Grandma, or I'll have you arrested!" "We know very well that your son is a poacher!" "Get out!" "Corporal!" "Where are you going?" " I have to go outside!" "Come on, say it, tell me that even in Russia they have no better "Kontusovka" than here." "Come on, admit it... be a man!" " They don't!" " U ou don't know how pleased I am that you have admitted it." "That's how it should be at a questioning." "Come here, my boy!" "Give me a kiss!" "Give!" " Ow, ow, ow, ow..." "Well, you have misbehaved again!" "In front of the charwoman, you shouted:" ""Long live Russia!"." " U ou didn't behave any better yourself," " But..." " chief." "U ou said that our Emperor is due to die any day now and that the Emperor Wilhelm is just a beast." " What..." "I said that?" " U es" "U es you did, chief." "And you also shouted..." " Shut up!" " I'm only telling the truth!" " How can you remember anything?" "U ou were as drunk as a skunk, your eyes were as small as a pig's and you tried to climb the stove when you wanted to get out of the door!" " But, chief..." " I've been telling you time and time again, that alcohol is a destructive element." "U ou can't take it and still you keep on drinking!" "Get hold of yourself!" "Man, you have to take that spy over to Pisek, to hand him over to the captain." "He'll be very pleased about us." " I'll go and get him, yes?" " Go on!" "Listen, U ou, Rampa, call our charwoman to come and see me!" " U es!" "Come and see the chief, come on!" " Good morning." " Good morning." " Did you sleep well?" " So, so." "And you?" " Thanks for asking, but I sleep anywhere." "Only the pillow under my head was a bit uncomfortable." "U ou should have it changed, I think it must be made of duck's feathers." " Oh, well." "And now the corporal is going to take you to Pisek, to the Bezirksgendarmeriekommando." " U ou don't know how pleased I am." "I was almost afraid you'll keep me here till the end of the war." " According to the regulations, I should have you handcuffed." "But as you are an otherwise decent human being, we shall not handcuff you." "Corporal, take him away!" "So good luck for the journey." "And remember me!" " God be with you, chief." "Thanks very much for everything you've done for me!" "And as soon as I have the chance, I am going to write to you." "If I ever pass this way again, I shall look you up." "For heaven's sake, what does the chief want me for?" " That I don't know, I only know he is terribly cross!" "U ou must have done something wrong last night." " For heaven's sake!" "That isn't true!" " Come on, I tell you!" " Come here, Mrs. Pejzlar!" "Listen woman, yesterday, you had the chance to witness something important." "But your stupid brain can't grasp it." "That man was a spy." " For heaven's sake!" " U es, and that's not all!" "To get some evidence out of him, we had to say various things in front of him." "U ou heard us, didn't you?" " I did, chief." " Now, woman, you've got to remember, that you are part of an official secret." "Not a word about it to anyone!" "Not even on your deathbed!" "Otherwise you couldn't be given a Christian burial." " For Heaven's sake, why did I, such an unfortunate person, ever come here!" "For heaven's sake!" " Don't cry and step closer to the cross!" "Lift two fingers of your right hand and repeat after me:" "I swear..." " I swear by God, the Almighty..." "...by God, the Almighty and by you, chief of police and by you, chief of police that I will not mention anything till my dying day." "...that I will not mention anything till my dying day." " Well." "And now, kiss the cross!" "Here." " Mr. Flanderka!" " Praised be the name of Jesus Christ." " Forever." "Amen!" "Leave me alone with the chief of police, my good woman!" " Anything I can do for your, dear parson?" " Chief, I've just met the village shepherd, Johnny Jump Up, and he told me..." "Don't take it the wrong way!" "I'm just going to repeat what he said." "He said: "Master, the chief of police told me yesterday, that the Emperor is a beast and that we won't win the war!"" "I am surprised at you, discussing such things with him, when you know very well what an idiot he is." "What?" " Whenever you want to talk..." " I don't hear you!" " Whenever you want to talk, so that nobody else overhears you, you have to start some music!" " All right!" " Look, he's watching us with curiosity!" "He shall not know who you are!" "Hallo, innkeeper!" " U es?" " If he knows who you are, he could cause a panic." "And that is forbidden during a war!" " I'm not going to cause a panic!" " Leave it here!" " My brother here is telling me, that we shall be in Pisek in an hour." " So you are brothers?" " Mmm." " So your brother is on leave, eh?" " His leave's over today." " I see!" " See how we fooled him?" " I think we should go now..." " We're going!" "Of course we're going!" "Look, it's lunchtime now." "Captain Konig is having his lunch anyway..." "And if we get to Pisek at 4 o'clock, that's quite all right!" "Go on, tell me, will the town of Pisek run away from us...?" " Of course it won't run away, but I should like to be with my Lieutenant again." " Have a drink!" "He won't run away either." "Innkeeper, bring us a pack of cards!" "We'll have a game." " Be sensible!" " Go on..." "I'd like you to win all my money." " Please, talk to your brother!" " He was so pleased about my still being alive, that he got drunk." "Brother!" " Listen!" "Did you hear the guns during the night?" " Leave me alone with such..." " Corporal, we'll have to go, it will be dark soon!" " Don't panic!" "Stay seated!" "That's what instructions are for." "Do you know what instructions are?" "Instructions are a summary of regulations!" " Come outside to get a breath of air, it will do you good!" " Leave me alone..." "I'm glad we're in a warm place." "Those who are in the trenches now are not as comfortable as we are." " Now, don't you cause a panic!" " Of course, panics are forbidden!" " Stop acting in such a foolish way!" " What are you worrying about?" " Now." " Brother be sensible!" "Take this." " Here." "Don't leave your cap behind!" " Follow me!" "U ou'll regret having ever agreed to be a spy!" " Of course, he'll regret it." " Come on!" "Where are you going?" " To Pisek!" "Just follow your nose and you'll get to Pisek!" "Just follow your nose..." "I can't go on." "Someone is holding me!" " This can't go on, fellow!" "Where are your handcuffs?" "Hand them over!" " Do you like folksongs?" " Come along!" "Come on!" "Hallo!" "Uncle!" "Wait a minute!" "Follow me!" " Stop!" " Wait, till I am across!" " Now back again!" " Come on, before I slap your face for you!" "Stop embarrassing yourself!" "Which regiment have you deserted?" " None, Sir." "I'm following my Lieutenant, Mr. Lukas, to Budejovice." " And why didn't you tell the constable at Putim that it was all a mistake?" " Because I saw that it would be in vain." "I used to know an innkeeper at home, who always said that some people have moments, when they are just deaf to every sensible word." " Jah, jah, jah, jah, jah..." " Get up!" "Open your mouth!" "Rum, Kontusovka, Cherry Brandy," "Nut liquor, Eggnog and vanilla liquor!" "To be drunk, to let yourself be brought on a cart like a beast!" "Well, no doubt Captain Konig will be pleased about you...!" "Lock him up till he's black in the face!" "Come here, captain." "I'd like to ask you something." " Of course, with great pleasure, Colonel!" " Just go on playing, gentlemen!" " Please, Lieutenant." " Can you tell me why the Lieutenant never spends his evenings with us?" "Like he's trying to avoid us." " But he is a very amusing chap." "Of course, he always preferred the company of women to a soldier's friendship." " Of course." "The times of knights and round tables are over..." "In the old days, every officer tried to do his share of entertainment." "I used to know a fellow, a Lieutenant Denkl, he even undressed and played a mermaid for us." "But that fellow Lukas, he must be a melancholic." " He's only embittered." "He expected a promotion a long time ago, but of course his capacity as a commander is diminutive." " What do you mean by that?" " That's proved by the fact that he has no idea where his batman is." " America clearly can't enter the war, it is completely cut off by the ocean." " Of course." "Of course." "But the history of sea battles is teaching us..." "Take for instance Trafalgar..." " Cadet Biegler," "German U-boats are in all the oceans, as I mentioned to our district commander even before the war." "Of course I did." " Do you hear the tripe Lieutenant Dub is talking again?" "U esterday he was nothing but a stupid little professor of Czech, and today he would like to be an equal with us, regular officers." " Excuse me, Colonel, I am taking this opportunity and dare to mention the fact, that I need a new batman, again." " Do you know, such a curiosity as a deserting, Lieutenant's batman, can only occur to you." "I am sure." "Listen, I've heard that you can sing?" " It isn't worth mentioning, Colonel!" "Who told you?" " Don't be too modest, Lieutenant!" "And as far as the new batman is concerned speak to Sergeant Vanek, he'll find you a private." "That's that." "Have you by any chance chosen someone from our company, Lieutenant?" " I am relying on you, Quartermaster." "I'm not very lucky in choosing batmen, as has been proved in the case of Schweik." " Did he steal?" " What gives you that idea?" "He was an honest soul, but a terrific talker." "He talked such rubbish..." "Thank God he's gone!" "I would have lost my mind." "Listen, man, don't keep me from my duty, come on!" " I could give you a certain Baloun." "But he's so clumsy." " Well, maybe..." "Put a gun in his hand and he'll cause an accident." " But in any other respect, he's decent sort!" " Don't knock on the door!" " There's a notice on the door:" ""Don't knock"!" "Damn you!" "Come in you fool!" " Beg to report, Sir, I'm here again!" " Schwei..." "Oh..." " Lieutenant, what's happening to you?" " Beg to report, an official letter." "Take the Corporal to the gate!" "Well, Schweik, welcome to Ceske Budejovice." "Those whose destiny it is to be hanged, will never drown." "We already sent out a warning about you!" "But I am not going to let you bother me again!" "I've lost patience!" "Just imagine that I had to live with such an idiot for such a long time..." "I'm surprised at myself, I should have shot you long ago!" "What would have happened to me?" "The charge would be dismissed!" "Do you understand?" " Beg to report, Sir, that I understand." " Don't start your foolishness again!" "Or you'll really be in trouble..." "I'm finished with you!" "Quartermaster, take him to jail!" " Lieutenant, if you by any chance went looking for the stuff you use to dye your grey hair with..." " Out, you beast!" " Beg to report, Sir, I am getting out." "I must say you've got me an excellent batman!" "He's been driving me crazy for a month." "And today..." "I sent him to get my lunch, and he ate half of it on the way!" " Please, Sir, I spilled it." " U ou can spill soup, but not the joint!" "And what did you do with the cake?" " Please, I'm not to blame!" " Tell me, you twerp, what have you done with the cake?" "!" " Outside..." "When I walked across the yard, I dropped it in the mud." " Come and show me the place where you dropped it!" " It's not there any more!" "A big, huge dog came along..." " Don't lie to me!" "I saw you through the window stuffing yourself in the courtyard!" " Lieutenant..." " Have you no control over yourself, man?" "Do you have to eat your master's lunch?" " Beg to report, Sir, I'm always hungry." "That's the way I am built." "As soon as I smell food, I forget myself..." " Have him tied up outside of the kitchen." "And tell the cook to give his ration to the others!" " Come along, Baloun!" " Lieuten..." "Hallo!" "Lieutenant Lukas!" "U es." "U es I understand." " Wait, Lieutenant, I am going to send for your lunch." " Thank you." "They're calling me to the Colonel for a conference." " Damn!" "Do you think it might be marching orders!" " Maybe it's not so hot." "I've had my marching orders three times." "The last company I was supposed to be in went over to the Russians with all the officers, the commander included." "I was saved from fate only by the fact, that I was sent behind the lines to get rum for the company." "They left without me." " Next time there's an attack on, you won't be behind the lines getting rum, I assure you!" " Of course... but..." " It has been pointed out to me, that you are a drunkard." "And your red nose..." " My nose got frost-bitten in the Carpathians!" " Hey!" "Look!" "That's a nice bone, isn't it?" "I think you should have joined the sect of the hestychastes." "They thought about their stomach all day long, till they thought it had a halo around it." "Well, have a bite, come on!" "Have a bite!" " U ou know me, Vanek, I don't like doing such things, but it can't be helped." "The army is the army!" " Beg to report, Sir, I've just been released from jail!" " Schweik!" " I was told to hand these papers over to you, Sergeant, to get pay and food of course." "Beg to report, Sir..." " Schweik, shut your trap!" " U ou'd do well to leave us alone." "U ou stupid monkey!" "Shall I never get rid of you?" "Which fool sent you here again?" " Beg to report, Sir, the colonel!" " Hmm." " First, he bawled me out, and then he told me to report you as an orderly." " U ou, an orderly?" "The colonel must have gone mad!" " I wouldn't know about that." "But he was telling me very sensibly to try and avoid all further trouble." "And not to bring any more shame on you..." " U es..." " If I've ever done anything wrong, it was just an accident." "I've never done anything intentionally," "I always meant well." "And if it turned out to cause us both trouble, it was just because I was clumsy." " Now don't you start crying here!" " Beg to report, Sir, I'm not crying." "I only suddenly felt sorry for both of us, as we are the most unfortunate people in this war and under the sun." "And we are both not to blame!" " Schweik!" "Calm yourself!" " Beg to report, Sir, that if it wasn't against regulations," "I'd have to say that I can't get over it, but as it is." "I've got to say, that according to your orders," "I'm quite calm." " U es?" "Speaking." "I'm coming." "U ou wait here, till I return." " Look, get out of my way, will you?" "Quartermaster, I'm very sorry, I can't oblige you, as I got my orders from someone high up." "It happens that I am here as an orderly!" " What's your civilian profession, Quartermaster?" " Well, I am Vanek, and I keep a drugstore at Kralupy." " That's a good one!" "I was apprenticed in a drugstore too..." " U ou don't say..." " With a certain Mr. Kokoska on the Pernstejn in Prague." " Kokoska..." " He was a funny bloke!" "When I set fire to a tin with petrol in his cellar, he chased me away." " U es." "Vanek." "I'm coming." "I've got to go to the office." "I don't like it at all, it seems so sudden." "It could be marching orders." "Damn that life!" " Go to hell!" " Captain Sagner, you've been appointed commander of the unit to be sent off." "Get everything ready now." "According to all the signs, you'll be on the battlefield within a fortnight." " Hallo, what do you want?" " Is Vanek anywhere around?" "I'm coming back, and then I'll settle the matter with you!" "If Vanek is not there, listen carefully to what I'm going to tell you." "As soon as you put the receiver down..." " Hallo!" "U ou've said that I should put the receiver down." " U ou clout, you tramp," "I'll be back in an hour, and you can look forward to my coming!" "U ou go and get a corporal immediately, tell him to take ten men and start drawing canned provisions from the store." "Did you understand?" " But, Sir, what do you think of me?" "U es, yes, I'm going to look after everything." "I'm not dumb, am I?" "Gentlemen, at the last two stations we passed, I received two wires." "Both are signed by Ritter von Herbert." "Cook your food quickly and march towards Sokal." "Include your cars into the Eastern group." "Field security to be abolished." "Build a bridge across the river Bug." " That is..." " Wait!" "Further instructions in the papers." "Signed Knight von Herbert, brigade commander." " Permit, me, Sir, I have a map here." "Excuse me, but just like you," "I find some of the general's instructions somewhat..." " Cadet Biegler, do you want to argue with the brigade commander's orders?" "!" "U ou are nothing but an embryo of an officer!" " Of course!" " I have decided to get fame on the battlefield of honor and glory, as every soldier can become a Field Marshall." " U ou'll have the opportunity." " Thank you, Sir!" " During the first night attack!" "The second wire reads:" "Immediately start cannon training according to the news of yesterday's Neue Freie Presse." "Pay every man 6 crowns for conquering our fortress, Premysl." " Soldiers shouldn't get any money at all!" "The true arms in war are patriotism, fidelity to one's duty, self-denial and similar sentiments." "I mentioned that fact already before the war to our local authorities." " Look, that girl, whom we have seen dancing at Budejovice, is now in Budapest, with the "Small theatre" Company!" " I think, Kunert, your Lieutenant is a very nice chap." "Like a real father to the soldiers." " That's what you think." "He's a nasty beast!" " U ou don't say!" "Nice way to talk about your Lieutenant..." "He is not a regular officer, is he?" " No." " And what's his civilian profession?" " He's a teacher of Czech." " I envy you, man!" "U ou have the chance to learn some real Czech during this war and speak like a writer!" " Schweik, what are you doing here?" "Beg to report, Sir, Kunert and I have just discussed Lieutenant Dub." "What a nice character he has." " All right." "Now Schweik, go and tell Baloun to bring me a bun with liver pate." "It's in my suitcase, packed in tinfoil." " Orders, Sir!" " Kunert!" "I've told you already not to speak to that rascal Schweik!" "He's a good for nothing and a subversive element!" "Why did you talk to him?" "Don't you know how to answer?" "Why did you talk to him?" "!" " Beg to report, Sir, I haven't spoken to him he spoke to me!" " U ou lout, U ou don't know me yet!" "But when you get to know me, I'll make you cry!" "Hey!" " Hey, Baloun!" "U ou're supposed to bring the Lieutenant a bun with liver pate." " I haven't got it." "I haven't got it." "I thought..." "I just unwrapped it to see whether it was spoiled I just smelled it I just tasted it..." " And then you swallowed it, tinfoil and all." " U ou, Baloun, should keep control over yourself." "Any time you face such a problem, you should ask yourself:" ""What relationship is that liver sausage to me?"" " Only thanks to my intervention have you remained batman." "They wanted to transfer you to the medical corps, to transport the wounded from the battlefield." " Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" "U ou, a soldier...?" " I wasn't built for the war." "Please, I'm always hungry because I miss the routine of ordinary life." " Go and ask the Captain at the Division H. Q." "About 500 yards from here." " Captain, I'm telling you in confidence, you can throw those wires away." "The brigade commander has gone mad." "U ou know..." "Paralysis..." "He is sending out such crazy wires all over the place." " But tell me, why..." " Well, you know, it takes some time before the ministry finds out about it..." " But such situations cause mistakes, a chaos..." " War is a chaotic enterprise anyway." "But calm yourself, even chaotic orders will get you to the trenches in the end." "This is where your train ends, from here you march." "But don't worry about tomorrow..." "Tonight we'll have a dance." "There are some pretty tarts here, so called Engelhuren." "There's even a general's daughter - she used to be a Lesbian..." "And a young Lieutenant - he likes to dress up in women's clothes." "Just wait, you'll see!" "This way." " All right." " Hab Acht!" "Do you think I am stuffing you here like pigs for a slaughter?" "Don't eat so much and run more!" "Are you going to split your seams?" "U ou pig!" " Orders, Sir!" " That's what I call discipline!" "Remember, the enemy uses cunning weapons!" "He founds brothels in deserted towns and in these brothels... there are ehm..." "...women with V. D... to cause losses in our ranks!" "I'm warning you, I'll punish all I find there!" " Beg to report, Sir, we should be told where such enemy brothels are." "As it could happen..." " Do you know me?" " I know you, Sir." " Maybe you know me in my good points, but when you get to know my bad points!" "I can make everybody cry!" "So, you say you know me, or don't you?" " I do know you, Lieutenant!" " I'm telling you for the last time you don't know me yet, you fool!" " Do you have any brothers?" " Beg to report, Sir, I have one brother!" " And is your brother a fool as well?" "What's his profession?" " He's a professor, Lieutenant!" "He was in the army too, and passed his officers exams..." " Abtreten!" "Hm." "U es." " Gentlemen, I've just come back from the Brigade HQ." "This is where our train ends." "Tomorrow we start marching towards our positions." "It will be necessary for all the officers to..." "But where is Lieutenant Dub?" "Heinrich, be so kind and send an orderly to get him." " Captain, may I remark..." " Cadet Biegler..." " Schweik?" "!" " I am here, Sir!" " Do you know where we could find Lieutenant Dub?" " At this very minute, he's in the coffee-house opposite the railway station." "He announced to the whole unit that he'll search all the brothels in town and that all those found there will be punished severely!" " Take Kunert along and go and get him!" " It's very nice there!" "But your Lieutenant doesn't seem to be here." "We've got to go up." " Haben Sie Geld, Mein Held?" " Was?" " Drein Kronen fur einen Mann." " Harom korona, harom..." " It's very nice of you to welcome us as heroes, but unfortunately we have no time for jokes." " Well, either start, or "hinaus"." "The lady is not here for fun, the lady works here!" " Don't shout at me, Madame, or I'll slap your face for you!" " Hilfe!" "Hilfe!" " Halt!" "Halt!" "Halt!" "Entry for officers only!" " Keep your hands off me, you fool!" "This is in the interest of the whole army!" "Wait!" "Well, what do you want?" " I am afraid!" " Behave yourself!" " Halt!" "Hab Acht!" " Are you crazy?" "Come here!" " Kunert!" " Come on!" " Give me another drink!" " Drink up!" "Drink up!" " Besetzt!" "Besetzt!" "Come in, come in!" "If you want the key to the schoolroom, just ask the attendant downstairs!" "Beg to report, Sir, you have to dress immediately and go to attend a conference!" " U ou are the urchin that damaged the globe!" "Remember, that in wartime, there is no excuse for such behavior!" " But..." "Lieutenant..." "Ah!" "It's you, Schweik?" "I've caught up with you finally, you lout!" "I'll show you!" "Ouch!" "Eh!" "Eheh!" " Lieutenant!" "Come and help me!" " Where am I?" " U ou happen to be in a brothel!" " Where?" " The ways of the Lord are hard to explain." " It's interesting not even in winter have I felt as hot as this..." "U ou agree?" "Huh?" " Lieutenant!" " U ou don't know me!" "But when you get to know me, I'll make you cry!" "U ou don't know me, but when you get to know me, I'll make you..." " Have you got it?" " Schweik!" "What are you doing here?" " Beg to report, Sir, we are playing cards!" "Such an innocent game, too." "One played on Christmas Eve, when there is peace and love for everybody." " Stop fooling!" "Well, come here!" " Take this soap!" "But don't forget to return it!" " Did you see that?" "He's lent me his soap!" " Well, you know, we're at the front." "That makes the officers much nicer!" " U ou ever hungry fellow, I'm surprised that you haven't eaten us yet..." " Go away!" "Wait till the food is ready, you..." " What sort of life is this!" "At home, I used to make sausages myself." "And then I'd eat so much stuffing, I'd almost bust!" "And afterwards... that beer!" "That makes a fellow feel happy." "And all this the war's taken from us." " U ou searching for the enemy, Schweik?" "Stay seated!" " I'm wondering, whether there is a fire brigade over there." "When Odkolek's mills were on fire in Prague, fire brigades came." " Are you playing the fool again?" "Tell me, Schweik, are you really that stupid?" " Not everybody can be clever!" "The stupid ones must be the exception, because if everybody was clever, there would be so many brains in the world, that every second person would go quite mad." " U ou know, Schweik, I am surprised at myself that I am still talking to you." " That's caused by the fact that we've known each other for such a long time." "And that we've been through a lot together and always got blamed for things..." "we were not to blame for!" "That's our fate, you know." "What the emperor orders is right!" "Once he has put us together..." " It's funny that you always have the habit of speaking carelessly about the officers corps." "And even about illustrious people!" " That never even entered my head!" "I think that's caused by the fact, Sir, that human life is so complicated, that the life of one person is quite irrelevant in comparison..." " Beg to report, Sir, orders from the Brigade H. Q." " What the devil, a change of marching orders again?" "Instead of to Sambor, we are to go to Feldstein." "Are they crazy at the Brigade H. Q. Or what?" "Schweik!" "Find Vanek, you'll go to Feldstein, as quartermasters!" "And take Baloun along, I've had enough of him." " According to the map, there should be a chapel." "Wait!" "I see something over there!" " It's all the same to me, as there is no chapel, neither here nor there." " But the chapel must be here somewhere." "It's on the official map." "I think that we should ask someone." " But whom?" " Well, that's the question." " This thing drives me mad." "There are such funny names here." " Friends!" "They've sent us ahead as a reconnaissance patrol!" "They've given us up already!" "They will be shooting at us!" " Well, in that case we will give our lives for the Emperor!" " But I have a farm at home!" " Wait a minute!" "We've got to consider where to go." " I'd go along this little brook." " Don't be silly!" "There is no brook on this map." " Let's go back, friends!" "And say that there is no place called Feldstein, and that Brigade HQ has made a mistake." " U ou keep your mouth shut!" "Look here..." "Do you have a compass?" "Well, without a compass we just can't..." " A map can be wrong." "The Lieutenant said that we can't lose our way, so why should I climb a hill?" " Schweik, be sensible!" " If you insist to have it your way, we'll have to part." " Friend!" "Wait for me!" " Do you know how to build a railway?" "Are you a Tatar?" " No Tatar." "Tcherkes." " Beg to report, Sir, I'm no engineer, but I'm the orderly of the 11th Company of the 91st Regiment." "I've become prisoner of our own forces by mistake." "I know that it's funny, but it happened this way..." " U ou are a Czech?" " From Prague." " Send him to jail!" "And in isolation!" " But gentlemen, I'm really no engineer!" " Have him court-martialed!" " Such a funny thing happened to me a short while go." "I had sentenced a teacher to death, and issued the order to hang him on the first tree in sight." "I had quite forgotten that we were in the middle of the steppe and there was not a single tree anywhere." "But an order is an order..." "So they took that unfortunate teacher and went to look for a tree." "They came back in the evening with the teacher." "Fortunately, this can't happen here, there are trees right under our windows." "Well, major prosecutor, let's start proceedings!" " We have put one of our informers in with the imprisoned Schweik." "It was quite easy for him to get the information, that he had been in Kiev, so we have absolutely reliable material at our disposal." " A clear case, prosecutor." " We are lucky... another execution." "My congratulations!" " Bring the convict in!" " But listen..." " I wanted to see the accused!" " And be quick about it!" "The cook sent me a message that a kidney pie will be ready at 10:30." " U ou are a traitor of our Emperor." " For heaven's sake!" "When?" "I, a traitor of our illustrious Emperor, for whom I have suffered?" " Stop acting funny!" "Here is the proof of your guilt!" "I am asking you for the last time." "Did you put that Russian uniform on of your own free will or has anyone forced you?" " Of my own free will." " Under pressure?" " Without any pressure at all!" " Do you know you are damned?" " All I know is that they are certainly looking for me the whole 91st Regiment." "If you allow me, Major, I'd like to make a small remark about what happens when people put on somebody else's clothes." "I knew a book binder, a certain Bozetech in Prague..." " What name did you say?" " Bozetech." "Joseph Bozetech," "Prague, Pricna 16." "But I am not sure he still lives there, because what I am going to tell you now happened in 1908." " The Prague police are sure to find him." " That's enough!" "Take him outside!" "The Court will consider the case." "Gentlemen, I suggest we wait with the judgment until we get an answer from the 11th Company of the 9lst Regiment, as the accused claims to be a member of that Company." " I say, why wait?" "The case is quite clear." "Execute him, I'll take the responsibility!" "Auf meine eigene Verantwortung." " General, a conviction is the result of a certain investigation, which tries to connect the threads of certain ties." "And it's these certain ties which might lead us to a certain net of spies..." " That doesn't matter!" "Before the report from the Brigade comes in, the priest can prepare him anyway." "He is sure to hang." "Hurry up, gentlemen!" "A kidney pie must be eaten while fresh." " Beg to report, Sir, a wire from the brigade!" " Private in the infantry Joseph Schweik, orderly of the 11th Company, got lost on the 16th of the current month while crossing to Chyrov" " Feldstein." " Didn't I tell you he is a rascal?" " Get private Schweik to his unit without delay!" " U ou see?" "That's the result of your certain threads!" " There was many a trouble because of such antlers." "Even the Archduke Ferdinand, the one that got shot at Sarajevo..." " Come in!" "Man, what were you thinking of?" "To change into a Russian uniform on the banks of some lake, and to get yourself into a party of prisoners?" "That can happen only to an idiot!" " Beg to report, sir, I've noticed sometimes that I'm weak-minded." "Especially towards the evening." " Shut up!" "U ou lout." "Abtreten!" " As far as I'm concerned, they can hang him at Brigade." " Well, have you slaughtered him yet?" " He's hanging already captain." " Will there be liver sausages, too?" " Everything as it should be, Lieutenant!" "Jurajda is just mixing the stuffing." " Wait and see!" " Jurajda, here are the skins!" " Have you washed them properly?" " U es." " Baloun, keep your fingers away!" " Let me just have a taste, friend!" " U ou'll not get a sniff!" " For Christ's sake, friends, have a heart!" " Take him away, but a long way, or he'll eat the whole pig himself!" " Quartermaster, let me just smell the stuffing, please!" " U ou can eat the skins, you rascal!" " For Christ's sake, friends...!" "Let me, friends!" "I'm so terribly..." " I say, Heinrich, you are unlucky with your batmen..." "The order to arrest Schweik has been issued already." " U ou don't say!" "I'm quite pleased!" "That will help me to get rid of him!" "Gentlemen...!" " Beg to report, Sir, I am here again!" " Lord, he is here again!" "Where have you been, you rascal?" "Do you know, Schweik, that the Battalion has issued an order to arrest you?" " Of course." "They have proceeded quite correctly, it's no small matter when one of the Emperor's soldiers is missing." " I'll have to kick you, you beast!" "Tell me in short and comprehensive words, what you've been up to!" " Beg to report, sir, they wanted to shoot me, as a traitor to the Emperor!" " For Christ's sake, what are you saying?" " Beg to report, Sir, and that was not the worst thing." "I didn't get my pay for the whole time." " U ou damn idiot, you're lucky I don't want to spoil my mood for the pig slaughter." "Gentlemen, let's go!" " Schweik, try to behave yourself or it will be your end!" " Beg to report, Sir, when you are in the army, you've got to be prepared for anything." "U ou should never be surprised!" "Only yesterday, some General wanted to have me executed." " And why didn't he do it?" " That's what I call fate, sir." "What would you do without me...?" "And I without you...?" " Get out of my sight!" " Hey, look, he's alive!" " Hallo, boys!" " Hallo, Schweik!" "Where have you been wandering?" " Hallo, Fatty!" "U ou're my boy, I've been lonely without you!" " A coffee with a shot of rum in it will do you good!" "And there'll be liver sausages, and pork..." "U ou have come just in time!" " I must say I am happy to be with my own people again." "I don't know what you'd have done if they'd held me up somewhere making the war last another couple of years longer..." " Say, Schweik, how long do you think this war is going to last?" " Fifteen years." " How did you figure that out?" " Well, it's obvious, we've had a Thirty years war, and nowadays the people have got more brains, that means divide 30 by 2 and you'll get 15." " Halt!" "Get back!" " Are you crazy?" "There are people here!" " Follow me, gentlemen!" " Mother!" "Help!"