"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(TANNOY) British Airways are pleased to announce the arrival of flight 417 from Amsterdam." "Oh!" "Sorry." " Are you all right, madam?" " Sorry." "I spilled everything out." "I don't think the catch is working properly." " Thank you very much." " There you go." "(BLARING MUSIC)" "So, anyway, I says to her, like, as gently as I could," ""Engagement is a big step."" "Yeah." "T'riffic." "Yeah, right." "It's not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly." "No, it isn't." "Oh, look at that." "Oi, Calvin!" "You spill your lager over this bar once more and I'll smack you!" " Sorry, Del." " This is not polyester, you know." "This is pure Crimplene." "As I was saying..." " You seen Boycie, Del?" " No, not recently." "Why?" "He's looking for you." "He knows where to find me, Michael." "He knows where to find me." "Now, where was I?" "You still going out with that little sort?" "Imogen?" "Yeah." "That's what I've been saying for the last ten minutes." "What's up, then?" "Hello, Corey, love." "How are you?" " Go on." " She's getting a bit too serious, and I want to find a way of cooling her down without hurting her." "All you've got to say is, "Imogen, you're giving me the hump." ""Go and haunt someone else for a change."" "Yeah." "That's pretty painless." "I don't believe you." "You're too soft with them, Rodney." "That is your trouble." "Get the drinks in." "I'm gonna pop over there, do a bit of business." "Vicky!" "Can I have a pint of lager and..." "What's Del drinking these days?" "Gawd knows!" "Tuesday, it was a Bacardi and Russian." "Last week it was Grand Marnier and orange." "Before that it was Dubonnet and Coke." "Er, give us a Tia Maria and Lucozade, then." "It's 15 quid." "I can't say fairer than that." "It's not foreign rubbish." "It's Japanese." "Del, I've already got a watch." "You call that a watch?" "That's crap, that is." "You didn't say that when you sold it to me!" "No, what I meant was, it's had its day, innit?" "£15." "That's what I paid." "You're getting it cost." "Del, I don't fancy it." "All right." "For you, a tenner." "As it's the last one." "Tenner?" "'Ere, it's got a scratch on the face." "I'll get you another one from the van." "Look, it plays 36 different national anthems." "It tells you what day it is and it's a calculator." "Blimey, it that the time?" "No, it's still set on oriental hours." "You get your money out." "I'll be back in a tick." "Back in a tick!" "I like it." "(TV) Midships!" " I was there, Ruby." " Yeah?" "Which one were you, then?" "No." "I don't mean I was in the film." "I was in that battle." "What battle is this?" "Gawd knows!" "I can't hear a bleedin' thing with all this monkey music." "Must have taken a lot of courage to do what you did, Albert." " All them sharks and icebergs." " Yeah." "And a giant octopus." "Ooh, gives me itchy fever just thinking about it." "Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming." "Nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines, kamikaze pilots." "That's why I never talk about it." "My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming." "Yeah." "Sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day." "Bloody glad when they put him away, I was." "What did him was the tragedy that happened to our son." "Harry just never got over it." "He was such a lively lad." "He went to school with Del Boy." "They used to sit next to each other in class." "Del must have mentioned him." "Slater." "Roy Slater." "Slater?" "I don't remember, Rube." "No." "Well, maybe it's still too painful for Del to talk about." "He was only 18." "He had all his life before him." "Was it a motorcycle accident?" "No!" "He..." "He joined the police." "He's one of their top men now." "He's put more people behind bars than Watney's." "I know it looks like a gent's watch, but..." "Can we have a quiet word, please, Del?" " Wotcher, Abdul." "All right, my son?" " Very well." " You still up Hatton Garden?" " Yes, I am still at Hatton Garden." " Could we have a word with you?" " Of course." "Why not?" " We'll be in the back room." " All right." "I'll just get me drink." "'Ere, I'm gonna do a bit of business with Boycie and Abdul." "Hey!" "Saucy mare!" "Orders from the guv'nor." "There's a lot of forged money around." " You didn't check his money." " That's different." "I'm going right off that girl." "See you in a minute." "All right, Dave?" "Wotcher, Trig." "How are you going?" "All right." "I'm feeling lucky tonight." "I might pull." "So I thought I'd have a dab of Blue Stratos and put me best clothes on." "Yeah?" "What stopped you, then?" " These are my best clothes." " Oh, sorry." "Hello, darling." "Where have you been all my life?" "Piss off!" "I always use that line with birds." "Why?" "I dunno really." "It's never worked." "I see." "So what sort of deal is it?" "I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman who runs a business in Amsterdam." "Amsterdam?" "Amsterdam in Holland you mean?" "I told you he was the right man for the job, Abdul." "My brother Sahid has done business with him." " You know he lives in France now?" " No, I didn't." "Yes." "He's doing very well." "He's married now." "His wife's expecting." "Get on with it, Abdul, otherwise we'll be here all bleeding night!" "Yes." "Last week I flew to Amsterdam to see the gentleman in question." "A Mr Van Kleefe." "And after some preliminary discussions," "Mr Van Kleefe has agreed to sell us some merchandise." "(DEL) Merchandise?" "What sort of merchandise?" "(BOYCIE) Diamonds." "Diamonds?" " 30 of them." " Cut and polished blue diamonds." "Top of the range, Del Boy." " That'll cost an arm and a leg." " 50 grand." "50 grand?" "You and Abdul are weighing out 50 grand?" "In England, they have a market value of £150,000." "Bloody hell!" "I take it you won't be informing our friends at Customs and Excise?" "No." "They're rather busy." "I think they'd appreciate it." "Anyway, where do I come into all this?" "'Ere, you're not expecting me to buy any off you?" "I've had a few bad results lately." "I'm potless." "Leave off, Del Boy." "These gems sell at around five grand apiece." "What we are asking you to do, Derek, is... is to take the money to Amsterdam for us." "You want me to take £50,000 to Amsterdam?" " Yeah." "And..." " And what?" "And..." "Bring the diamonds back." "(DEL) You know, for a minute, I thought you was serious!" "(BOYCIE) We are serious, Del." "Deadly serious." "(ABDUL) There's nothing to worry about." "Mr Van Kleefe assures us that nothing ever goes wrong." "Up your kilt!" "What do you think I am?" "A total wally?" "We would look after you, Derek." "Yes, I'm sure you would." "Visit me once a month." "Bring me cakes with files in." "You find yourself another mug." "(BOYCIE) We'll give you ten grand." "Ten thousand pounds?" "All right." "Twelve." "I knew he'd haggle." "You berk, Abdul!" "All right, Del." "Twelve grand." "Just think of it, Del." "Twelve big 'uns." "Set you up a treat for the future." "There will be no problems." "It will be as easy as apple tart." "If it's as easy as apple tart, how come you ain't going yourselves?" "Er..." "Well, we're both scared of flying." "Leave it out!" "Abdul's done more flying than sparrows!" "No." "It would look very suspicious for me, a registered Hatton Garden merchant, to fly to Amsterdam too often." "I don't know about this." "Look, Del, we chose you specially." "We needed someone we knew." " Someone we could trust." " Someone who was skint." "What happens if I get caught?" "Well, Abdul and me have done our money, ain't we?" "Done your money?" "Your money!" "I stand to get banged up for five years!" "All right, Del." "Fifteen grand." "It's not much use when you're locked up in the Scrubs." "We are paying you to take the risk, Derek." "It's a big gamble, Del." "But he who dares wins, don't he?" "Of course, if it's too big for you, Del..." "If you think you're a bit out of your depth, just say so." "Fifteen?" "See, my problem is I don't wanna hurt her." "Imogen's a lovely kid, you know?" "She's gentle, she's sensitive, and on top of all that, she cares." "She'd do a turn if you played your cards right." "What's the point of discussing it with you, eh?" "We're talking on different levels." "Yeah." " Bridge!" "Depth charge!" " Sir!" "Two and a half weeks we were adrift in the Pacific Ocean." "Got a nice tan though." "Come on, Albert." "We're going home." "Oi, Rodney." "Come on, 'ome!" "I suppose I ought to be getting home really." "Give Imogen a ring." "Tell her it's all over." "Sorry." "Can I just get past?" "Sorry." "Sorry, I was just trying to..." "Hello, Imogen." "(RODNEY) Look, I know what you're doing, I just don't understand why." "(DEL) Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said, "Del Boy..."" "(RODNEY) Don't start on that!" "What are the odds on you getting caught?" "Oh, shut up!" "You've been going on all night." "Del, you are smuggling diamonds!" "Could you yell a bit louder?" "!" "There's a geezer down there who didn't quite catch it all!" "Do you realise what you're getting into?" "Yes, I do know what I'm getting into." "Fifteen grand is what I'm getting into." "Rodney, this is not drugs or guns, is it?" "That sort of stuff kills people." "These are only little diamonds." "I'm bringing down the cost of getting engaged." "You and Imogen should be pleased." "Yeah." "Well, me and Imogen's finished." "Oh, you finally told her, then?" " Yeah, sort of." " Did she cry?" "No!" "Look, Del, smuggling diamonds is still illegal!" "It's only illegal because Boycie and Abdul ain't paying any import tax." "Suppose they paid import tax." "What will the government do with it?" "Go and buy another Strident missile, eh?" "So you're telling me that smuggling diamonds is a blow for world peace?" "Every little bit helps, Rodney." "Why don't you bring back a load?" "You might end up with the Nobel Prize!" "I hadn't thought of that." "Rodney, we'll waltz through the Customs at Gatwick." " They won't take any notice of us." " What do you know about diamonds?" "To you, diamonds are those things you wear in your cufflinks, and I've seen better cats' eyes." "I don't have to know anything." "Abdul's in charge of that side." "We're just the couriers." "Hang on a minute." "What do you mean "we"?" "You don't think I'm going to cut my kid brother out of a deal like this?" "Your little kid brother don't want to be cut in!" " You wanted to be a courier." " Yeah." "For Club 18-30!" "I'm gonna need you on this, Rodney." "You're gonna be my diversion." "Do you know how long I'd go away for?" "I've already got a record for possession of cannabis." "Exactly!" "That's what's gonna be my diversion." "Not only is Amsterdam the centre of the diamond trade." "It's also the drugs capital of Europe." "At passport control, when they see you nipping off to Holland, they're gonna say, "That little rascal." ""He's after the old exotic stuff."" "When we come back, who are they gonna nab?" "Me, the sophisticated jetsetter, or you, the Boomtown Rat?" "They'll pull me!" "Exactly." "So whilst you're inside being strip searched and all that, me and the diamonds are away down the Kermit." "Oh, t'riffic!" "So while you're off jollying it up, it's touch yer toes time for Rodney!" "You won't come to any harm, Rodney." "Maybe minor discomfort." "They'll let you go in a few hours." "And you will come home to five lovely grand." "That's your share." "Five grand?" "Five grand." "You can buy a lot of lollipops for five grand." "Get yourself a nice second-hand Capri." "Whip round to Imogen's, get your old card stamped." "Know what I mean?" "I dunno." "I've never actually been to Amsterdam." "I suppose we could turn it into a holiday." "Well, yeah." "I mean, we'll be there at least an hour." "While you're thinking about it, let's knock some of this gear out, and make some of that stuff called "profit", 'cause if all this falls through, we're skint." "Denzil, my son!" " No!" " No what?" "No, I don't wanna buy anything." "I don't wanna sell anything." "And I don't want you to make me a millionaire!" "Ain't it marvellous?" "Ain't it marvellous?" "You just stop to say hello to an old mate and you get an load of old verbal." "I don't want anything, Denzil." "Honest." "What you carrying?" "Nothing." "It's empty." "I could fill it up for you." "You could earn yourself a few bob." "Look, just leave me alone!" "All right?" "Corinne and I are back together, and I promised to stop seeing you, stop getting drunk, stop gambling, and get a job." "Is it my fault you married a wrong 'un?" "There's no reason to give me a volley." "You hang about there for a minute." "I'll be back." "He's everywhere I go, you know." "He's on the phone to me, he's at me front door, he's in the betting shop, he's in the pub, and now he's in the bloody traffic jam!" "Rodney, I get this feeling that he's haunting me." "Know what I mean?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I know exactly what you mean." "What's up with him?" "What have I done now?" "I can't understand it, Del." "I mean, all you've ever done is ruin his wedding reception, almost break up his marriage, flood his kitchen and steal his £2,000 redundancy money, and he goes and gets all silly about it." "Yeah." "These are Japanese, and these are hairy knees." "Right?" "I'll tell you what the difference is." "These will not give you the time in all the world's major cities, neither are they a calculator, nor do they play 36 national anthems." "But this will!" "This is a quality timepiece of precision craftsmanship that would cost you £67 up West." "I'm not gonna ask you for £67." "Oh, no!" "I'm not gonna ask you for £47." "I'm not asking £37." "Steady on, Del." "Don't interrupt me." "Not while I'm in my stride." "I'm not asking you for £27." "£15 for this quality watch, ladies and gentlemen." "For this beautiful timepiece, ladies and gentlemen, a mere £20..." " No, you said £15!" " Pardon, ma'am?" " You said £15." " No, I never." " He didn't say £15." " Hold on, Rodney." "Hold on." "I do believe I said £15." "I must be going mad." "I'm sure I said..." "I'm going..." "Just to show I'm a man of me word, you can have this for £15." "Go on, steal it from me." "I'm losing money on the deal." "Rodney, get the rest out." "There'll be a mad rush in a minute." "Ain't going all that well, are they?" "They're going down like saveloys in a kibbutz." "If I could just sell one, I know the others would follow." "'Ere, just a minute." "I've had an idea." "Watch this." "All right, listen, ladies and gentlemen!" "Excuse me!" "I've just had a business discussion with my partner here, who informs me that we desperately need the space in the suitcase." "So I'm just going to have to give these watches away." "Here you go." "I'm giving them away at £10 each." "There you go." " £15 to the black bloke." " Why can't I have it for £10?" "!" "Of course you can." "Rodney, take the man's money." "Come along, then." "We've sold that one." "We're off and running." "Come on, darling." "Cast your bread upon the water." "It'll come back tenfold." "Give us your money." "Take the money." "(WHISTLES "DIXON OF DOCK GREEN" THEME)" "Right, listen, hang about." "We'll be back in five minutes." "Don't look back." " Del Boy!" " Slater!" "Well, what a coincidence." "I was just saying, "I wonder how Del Boy is." Weren't I, Hoskins?" "Eh?" "Oh, yes, sir." "And how are you, Rodney?" "Very well, thank you, Detective Inspector." "Chief Inspector." "Sorry." "I didn't know you'd been promoted." "Yeah." "About six months back." "I took Hoskins with me." "He's my driver." "Oh, driver?" "Everyone always said you'd be going places, Terry." "Going places?" "Oh, yeah!" "I saw your mum down the Nag's Head." " Yeah?" "Did she ask after me?" " No." " Do you fancy a cup of tea, Del?" " Actually, we're in a hurry." "I don't think you heard the question." "Tea?" "Now you mention it, I am a bit parched." "There you go, Detective Inspector." " Chief." " What?" "I'm a Chief now." "I'll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives." "Watch what you say." "That Slater's a bastard." "Eh?" "I said..." "Watch what you say." "Slater's a bastard." "Yeah." "I remember him the last time." "He's on the warpath now." "He's retiring and wants to go out in a blaze of glory." " Retiring?" "That's a bit early." " He's had no choice." "It's come from the top." "They're forcing him out." "See, a little while ago, Slater persuaded this young black fella to sign a full confession to being a peeping tom." "When the case gets to court, it turns out he's a registered blind person." "Bad publicity for the police, innit?" " What about the poor black bloke?" " He's not too upset." "They reckon he'll get a record contract out of it." "There you are, Hoskins." "Bacon sandwich for you." "Are you sure you don't want nothing to eat?" "Yeah, we're quite sure, Roy." "What are you doing back in the parish?" "You transferred to the river police." "No, not transferred." "That was a special assignment." "I was after this gang of diamond smugglers." " Any luck?" " Oh, I caught them, Del, yeah." "Even nabbed the ringleader - a geezer called Hendricks." "They got away though." "Lack of evidence." "It's a choker, innit?" "Oh, I'll have 'em, Del." "They're still doing it, then?" "How many times have we had 'em?" " Twice." " Twice." "That's right." "But each time they've managed to get shot of the diamonds." " So you've got no evidence." " No." "Between you and me, Del, I heard a whisper they're trying it on again." "Yeah?" "A couple of local "businessmen" have put the money up, and we know who they are, don't we?" " Boycie and..." " Hoskins!" "Sorry, sir." "But I don't know who the courier is." "Unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him, I'm knackered." "This is where you come in, Del." "Me?" "You don't think I'm the courier, do ya?" "Leave off, Del." "This is big." "No." "The way I see it is this." "You hear all the gossip in the pubs and the clubs." "It's no skin off your nose if you ring me with a name." "These businessmen ain't putting no money your way, are they?" "No." "You don't even have to say who's calling." "Make it anonymously." "And I will make life very comfortable for you." "No more aggro from Woodentops in the market." "Well, that's very fair of you, Roy." "Yeah?" "Oh, yeah." "Very fair." "This is my last case, Del." "I'm retiring from the Met." "Oh." "The Commissioner begged me to stay, but I've had enough." "I want my career to end on a high note." "Yeah, well, of course, we wish you a lot of luck, Slater." "I'll get 'em in the end, Del." "I never give up." "Once I get my teeth into someone..." "I don't let go." " Know what they call me at the Met?" " No." "Bulldog." "Actually, I've heard one or two people call you Bull...dog, or words to that effect." "That's the sort of guy I am." "I never give up." "So if you hear anything, Del, you know me number." "Well, this has been nice." "Like old school days - you and me sat at the same desk." "This time you didn't put frog spawn in me milk." "Oh, I did, didn't I?" "You rascal!" "Do you want me to pay for my breakfast, Sid?" "No." "Have it on the house, Mr Slater." "Very nice of you, Sidney." "Very nice indeed." "You'd better pay for yours, Hoskins." "Thank you, sir." "So you don't know if this courier's a man or a woman?" "A woman..." "I hadn't thought of that." "That's very good thinking, Rodney." "You ever thought of joining the police?" "No." "No, I'm ambitious!" "Very good." "No." "All I know is that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week." "And I'll be waiting." "There you go, young Terry." "Thanks, Sid." " Well, that's that, then." " How do you mean?" "You can't go now." "Slater's got the airports covered." "He can't watch all the airports 24 hours a day, can he?" "We'll have to find another way of sneaking in." "Wait a minute." "You owe me 32 pence, Del." "No." "Mr Slater paid for ours." "Oh." "Oh, yes." "It has a full service record, tax till the end of the month, and it'll have no trouble passing its MOT." "Boyce!" "Someone on the phone wants ya." " Who is it?" " Dunno." "Would you say I'm rather busy with some clients at the moment, please?" "He said it's about diamonds." "I'll be right there." "Yes." "It's the new Austin Diamond." "Coming out next year." "It's still in the experimental stage." "Do excuse me, Mr Biggerstaff." " Yeah." "What's up?" " It's Del Boy." "I've just had a conversation with Chief Inspector Slater." " Bullshit of the Yard." " Slater?" "What's he want?" " He knows." " How?" "!" "I don't know, do I?" "He's got more grasses than Fisons." " How much does he know?" " Well, he knows..." "He knows you and Abdul put the money up." "I don't believe it!" "We can't pull out now." "Abdul's made the arrangements with Van Kleefe." "All right, listen." "Don't panic, don't panic." "He doesn't know who the courier is." "I'm the last bloke that he suspects." "It's all right for you!" "I've still got 50 grand in my house!" "If Slater sniffs around, how do I explain that away?" "We gotta meet tonight." "I'll give you the money." "Where shall we meet?" "Your place?" "You must be joking!" "My house might be under surveillance." " We can't meet at Abdul's either." " How about the flat?" "You don't think I'm gonna walk across your estate with 50 grand?" "You've got a point." "What about the Nag's Head?" "Leave off!" "He knows that's our local." "We can't meet in any public place." "If he sees us together, he's got the story." "No." "We've got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded." "Somewhere where we can lock the doors, be on our own, and nobody will see us." " I know just the place." " Yeah?" "Where?" "(BOYCIE) The back of Denzil's bleeding lorry!" "I mean, what a place to hold a meeting!" "I think it's a good idea." "This is the last place Slater would think of looking." "Yeah, but I'll get grease stains on my coat." "I am gonna look a right mess." "What has Denzil had in here?" "It smells like rotten fish." "Oh, stop whining, Boycie!" "You're like an old woman at times." "Right." "They're here." "I'll be about five minutes." "Spot any danger, give us a signal, right?" "Oi!" "What's the signal, then?" " You what?" " Shall I beep the hooter?" "No, you wally!" "That'll attract unwanted attention." "Shall I flash the lights?" "How are we going to see flashing lights in a ruddy trailer?" "!" "All right." "So what's the signal?" " Can you make a sound like an owl?" " An owl sound?" "You know." "Like this." "(HOOTS QUIETLY)" "Oh, that!" "No." "I can do bunny shadows though." "Enough of your bloody sarcasm, Rodney!" "Just think of a signal." "I'll be back in a minute." "You don't think Slater suspects anything else?" "No." "If he suspected that, he'd have been round with a search warrant." "Yeah." "(DEL) 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello." "What are you doing in there, then?" "Get in here, for Gawd's sake, will ya?" "Cor, it don't half hum in here." "All right, Abdul?" "Everything sorted out?" "Yes." "The arrangements have been made." "Of all the places on earth, why do we have to meet in the back of a stinking lorry?" "!" "Cor dear!" "Look around you." "Can you think of a better place, eh?" "No prying eyes, no plain clothes coppers." " Nobody knows we're in here." " Denzil don't know?" "Of course he don't." "Leave it out!" "He'd go divvy." "Apart from Rodney, we're the only three people who know we're in here." "All right." "Leave it to me." "Get your coat and a uniformed officer, Hoskins." " Where are we off to, sir?" " The transport caff in Soweto Road." "Three men seen breaking into a lorry." "Righto, sir." "Parker, get a car round to the front." "I spoke to Mr Van Kleefe about the venue and time for the exchange." "You must be very clear about these matters, so listen carefully." "The exchange takes place this coming Friday at 12 noon." " 12 noon, right." " That's right." "Here is the address in Amsterdam." "Memorise it and then destroy it." "It doesn't self-destruct?" "Be serious, Del, please!" "Friday at 12, right?" "All right." "I've got it." "My cousin will meet you in Van Kleefe's office." "Cousin?" "Stone me, Abdul." "Your family get everywhere, don't they?" "Brother in France, cousin in Holland." "Sure you ain't got no one in Outer Mongolia?" "A very distant uncle, but we never talk about him." "My cousin is also a diamond merchant." "He will be there to check the merchandise." "Don't want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, do we?" "Watch it, Boycie." "My mum gave me them." "Sshh!" "(LORRY PULLS UP)" "It's all right." "Come on, where's the money?" "There's 50 grand there, Del Boy." " Please be careful with it." " Trust me, Boycie." " Of course we trust you." " What's the combination to this?" "When you get to Van Kleefe's office, you phone me, and then I'll give you the combination." "Oh, that's t'riffic." "That's a great deal of trust!" "One thing we forgot to mention." "The most important thing of all." "If anything should go wrong - nothing can go wrong, but if it should - you never heard of us." "Me and Abdul had nothing to do with it." "You never heard of Van Kleefe." "It's just a precaution, Del Boy." "That means I'm up on offer, don't it, eh?" "That's what we're paying you 15 grand for." "All right, all right." "Don't worry, there won't be no comebacks." "What about expenses for these plane tickets?" "Tickets?" "You only need one, Derek." " No." "I'm taking my kid brother." " What is this?" "A bloody outing?" "No!" "Rodney's gonna be my diversion when I come back through the Customs." "It's gonna be hard enough what with Slater and the 7th Cavalry ferreting about amongst the duty-frees." "Don't make it any harder!" "Very well." "We will pay the expenses." " Don't lump 'em up too much." " It's all right." "Right, I'm off." "Are ya?" "I wondered what the smell was." "Right." "We'll see you next Friday when you return." "Good luck, Derek." " Best of luck, Del Boy." " Thank you." "Give us a minute to get clear." "Parker, down there." "Hoskins, check over the back there." "(STRANGLED HOOT)" " What was that, sir?" " Dunno." "Sounded like a crow." "Crow!" "Oh, Gawd!" "They'll throw the bloody key away." "Get on with it or we'll never get home tonight." " Any luck?" " Not yet, sir." "Hoskins." "Parker." "This looks promising, sir." "Take over, Hoskins." "All right, Parker." "Me?" "What is that?" "I dunno, but it's been dead a fortnight." "Right." "We'll have a quick shifty over the back, then call it a night." "Some of these lorry drivers invite crime." "(MUSIC PLAYS: "WEST END GIRLS" BY THE PET SHOP BOYS)" "(RODNEY WHISPERS) Denzil!" "Denzil!" "Denzil!" "(ENGINE CHUGS)" "Denzil?" "Denzil!" "No!" "I'm in here!" "Denzil!" "You plonker!" "(VAN IGNITION FAILS)" "Oh, come on, please!" "Please, I'll clean ya, I'll clean ya!" "(LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY)" "(ENGINE STARTS)" "Denzil!" "Denzil!" "This is your friend speaking!" "Denzil!" "I'll do you when I get hold of you!" "Bloody hoax phone calls!" "My last case and I have to put up with jokers." "Check your desk, Hoskins." "Nothing yet, sir." "I want a watch on Boycie and Abdul." "I want to know everywhere they go." "They've gotta make their move soon." "Who's the courier, Hoskins?" "I know who's putting the money up, what they're buying and who from, but I don't know who's bringing it in." "It's bound to be local." "Oh, yeah." "They've got to have someone they can trust." "But who?" "It's a mystery, sir." "No one's behaving in an unusual manner - well, no more unusual than normal." "Everyone's carrying on the same." "Except the Trotters." "I went round the estate." "Their van's missing." " I toured the area." "No sign of it." " Maybe it's been nicked, sir." "Nicked?" "!" "If someone's nicked that van, we've a dangerous maniac on our hands!" "Take your point, sir." "Something's just struck me, Hoskins." "Maybe we've been underestimating Del Boy." "He may have been fooling us with his nine-carat gold and his wide-awake suits." "Del Boy is well acquainted with the ways of this world." "He knows all the wrinkles." "He invented a lot of them himself." " And his soppy brother's got GCEs." " What are you trying to say, sir?" "What I'm saying is, Hoskins... maybe them two's more intelligent than we've given them credit for." "Yeah." "It's all beginning to fit." "The Dutch firm are the suppliers," "Boycie and Abdul are the money men, and the Trotters... are the brains." "Denzil!" "(HORN BEEPS, BRAKES SCREECH)" " You could be right, sir." " I was only joking, Hoskins." " Ain't you got no sense of humour?" " Sorry, sir." "(TURNS MUSIC OFF)" "Denzil!" "(BANGING)" "Denzil!" "Denzil, you dipstick!" "(LOUD MUSIC)" "(VAN BACKFIRES)" "# Radio Humberside!" "#" "Lots of music." "This is a special request for all you truckers listening in." "(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS)" "Cheers." "(VAN BACKFIRES)" "That's a pound." " What?" " That's a pound." " I've got 75 pence." " That's not a pound, is it?" "Ah, but this has only got three wheels." "That's only got two, but it's still a pound." "Hey, be careful where you dump that thing." "Funny, innit?" "I'm laughing, look." " Here's your tea, Denzil." " Ta." " Don't you want that breakfast?" " 'Course I do." "I'm a bit drowsy, that's all." "You've been overworking, love." "I've seen it before with you drivers, trying to work 25 hours a day." "I know the money's good, but you'll get no overtime in the mortuary." " I'm always like this after nights." " You're looking tired, lovey." "You're dark round the eyes." "I'm dark around everywhere, Lil." "Don't worry." "I'm a big strong lad, you know." " I'll prove it to you!" " I don't mean physical illness." "There's no knowing what lack of sleep and overwork does to the brain." "I've seen it happen." "Seen what happen?" "Young fit men who went to pieces." "Started hearing things and seeing things." "You slow down, lovey, or you'll go the same way." "Del?" " Is that you, Rodney?" " Yeah, it's me." "I knew you'd come and save me." "You're a saint, Rodders." "You're a 42-carat saint." "Come on." "Let's get you out of here." "It was a nightmare, Rodney." "A bloody nightmare." "The camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared to that." "Del, do you want a cup of tea?" "No." "We haven't got time for that." "We've got to get the plane tickets." "Come on." "Let's go." "Come on, Rodney." "(SHIP'S HORN)" "Where the bloody hell am I?" "Hull." "Hull?" "!" " What, Hull in... what's-its-name?" " Yorkshire, yeah." "What the bloody 'ell am I doing in Hull?" "!" "This is where Denzil brought you." "He's probably got a load to pick up." "That bloody half-head Denzil!" "I'll get him!" "See if I don't!" "Don't you think you ought to have a rest?" "No, I don't." "Just get me back to Peckham as soon as possible." "Otherwise, I'll be saying "Aye up" and breeding whippets!" "(CAR DOESN'T START)" "(ENGINE ROARS)" "(ENGINE OFF)" "Switch that off, Rodney, and take a look." "What?" "Boats." " Oh, yeah." " Big boats, little boats." "Yeah." "There's a red one and a white one." "Look." "Don't you see, Rodney?" "See what?" "Slater's got all the airports covered because that's how he thinks we'll get back into the country." "Yeah." "But that's how we will get back in." "Not anymore we ain't." "We're going by boat." "Oh, yes!" "Like it, Derek!" "Yeah." "We'll get the ferry." "Not the ferry, you plonker!" "The Customs there will be just as bad as they are at the airports." "We're gonna sail across in our own little boat." "Sorry?" "We're gonna sail out of here, to Holland and back, and no one will be any the wiser!" "We...?" "We are gonna...?" "Us?" "In the sea?" "Yeah." "Look, it ain't far." "It's only across the water there." "I remember seeing it on the map." "It's only that far." "Derek, we'll die!" "No, it'll be a piece of cake." "We'll be in and out like a sour plum." "Del, we don't know the first thing about sailing a boat." "Oh, Rodney!" "Use your filbert!" "I'm gonna get one with an engine!" "Ah." "Ahoy there, shipmate." "Morning." "Any idea where I could hire a boat round here?" "You want to hire a boat?" "What kind of a boat?" " Er..." "Um..." "A schooner." " A schooner?" "Yeah." "With an engine." "A schooner with an engine..." "Follow me, shipmate." "I might have just the thing for you." "Oh." "Tally-ho!" "Well, Rodney, what do you reckon?" "(RODNEY) This boat's got woodworm!" "(DEL) No." "That's not woodworm." "That's just er..." "It's just..." "What is that?" "That's where the ropes have worn it away." "Where the ropes have worn it away." "It's sort of wear and tear." "And we're supposed to sail to Holland in this thing?" "This is a sturdy vessel, sir." "Built of very mature timber." " In other words, it's old." " The old 'uns are the best 'uns." "We're talking about boats, not your birds." "Oi!" "Don't push your luck, you saucy git." "I'll leave you two to discuss it." "I'll be over here." "Oh, yes." "Ahoy there, shipmate." "We'll be ashore in a minute." "Yeah." "We'll go ashore at about seven bells, eh, Del?" "Will you pipe him ashore or shall I?" "I'm beginning to lose my temper, Rodney." "You'll cop it in a minute!" "You're not really letting your boat out to them southern nancies?" " Oh, aye." " You'll never see it again." "That vessel is worth £10,000." "At least that's what the insurance says." "Come on, Rodney!" "We can do it!" "You know, he who dares wins." "I've got the right price from the owner and everything." "Del, there is no way us two can sail this thing to Holland and back!" "What?" "Us two?" "You think that we're gonna sail it?" "Is that what you thought?" "That us wallies were going to take this thing out on the high seas?" "Well...yeah." "Of course we're not." "I'm gonna get us a skipper." "An experienced man to do the sailing." "So there's gonna be someone in charge?" "Of course there is." "You..." "You didn't think I was gonna risk our lives, did ya?" "Come here, you dipstick." "(RODNEY) Dear God." "Leave it out, Rodney." "That is England's greatest sailor since Nelson lost the Armada." "Ahoy there!" "Yeah." "Ship ahoy!" "Del, every single ship or vessel that man has ever sailed on has sunk." "I know." "His luck's gotta change sometime." " All right, Uncle Albert?" " Ship-shape and Bristol fashion." "He's got all the dialogue, ain't he?" "Come on, then." "Now, listen." " Did you bring the passports?" " In the bag." "Good." "Did you bring some clothes?" "I threw some of me old jumpers in." " Did you bring our clothes?" " Did you want me to bring some?" "What do you think I phoned up about?" "I thought you meant my clothes." "We haven't had a wash or a change of clothes for two days now!" " How am I supposed to know that?" " It don't take much working out!" "Oi, you two!" "All right." "Calm down, calm down." "Don't worry, we'll sort something out." "Come on, skipper." "Let's show you your vessel." "I'd like to look her over, make sure she meets with my approval." "Shame if she don't, because we sail in half an hour." "(SHIP'S HORN)" "(DEL) Albert, slow down." "You're going too fast." "You're going too fast." "Slow down." "Right." "Right a bit." " Eh?" " To your right!" "You mean starboard!" "Don't start that Captain Birdseye bloody cobblers!" "I said right!" "Go on, right!" "Now you've gone too far." "Come on." "Over to your left." "Left!" "I said left!" "That's portside!" "I'll punch you in the bloody nose in a minute!" "When I say left, I mean left!" " Mind this little boat down here." " Eh?" "Watch this little boat down... (CRUNCH!" ")" "(DEL) Sorry, shipmates." "What did you say, pal?" "And to you, son!" "Cheeky git!" "Come to your right again, Albert." "You're doing very well." "What are you doing up there?" "Look, come right again." "Overwork, that's all." "Too many hours in that lorry cab." "All you need is a bit of relaxation and some fresh air." "That's all." "Gordon Bennett!" "I'm sick!" "I'm sick!" "I feel sick, Del." "What?" "Oh, leave it out, you tart!" "We've only just started." "This is just a little ripple." "Wait till we get out on the big waves." "We'll be going up and down, up and down." "It'll be like the big dipper." "Whoo-eee!" "Oh, God!" "That's it, Rodney, cough it up!" "It could be an ace." "(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS)" "It sends an old tingle running down the spine." "Well, it's in the blood, of course." "This island race." "This septic isle." "Yeah." "Us Brits, we've got salt water flowing through our veins." "Del, will you shut up about blood and veins?" "When you think of all the English heroes who have set sail in these waters to go and discover the New World or stitch the dagoes up." "It makes you feel... very, very proud." "# Robin Hood, Robin Hood" "# With his band of men" "# Robin Hood, Robin Hood" "# Riding through the glen" "# Feared by the bad... #" "Have you got any idea where we are?" "Not really, Del." "I never got the 'ang of these charts." "Then how in God's name did you expect to get us across to Holland?" "Del said it weren't all that far." "Well, it ain't all that far if you're going in the right direction!" "We should have been in Holland five hours ago." "Look at it!" "Middle of the poxy night and not a windmill anywhere!" "You said that you could sail a boat." "It went, didn't it?" "I know it went!" "It went all right, but where?" "Eh?" "Look..." "Albert, where is our position?" "Well, we're er..." "We're here, ain't we?" "Sort of." "Oh, right." "So according to all your calculations, we're off the Strait of Gibraltar, but we're also very close to Copenhagen." "Well, it narrows it down a little bit." "Yeah." "We're in the right ocean at least!" "When I was in the Navy, I was a boiler maintenance man." "So you've never actually studied navigation?" "Boiler maintenance men didn't have to." "The boiler has a tendency to go wherever the ship's going." "Look, we can't be far away, can we?" "We seemed to go pretty straight, didn't we?" "Pretty...?" "He's something else, ain't he?" "What about all the currents they got here?" "We could be anywhere by now." "Yes!" "He's right an' all." "We're in the middle of the North Sea." "It's got more currents than a hot cross bun." "Let's not panic." "Wait till morning." "We're bound to see something." "Oh, yeah." "We'll keep our eyes peeled for tulips." "Listen out for the sound of clogs." "Stars." " What?" " The stars." "Stars?" "You don't need to read your horoscope to know you're in lumber." "Them stars." "You can steer a ship by the stars!" "He's right an' all." "I remember seeing it on the Onedin Line." "That's a bloody good idea, Rodney." "There's millions of them, ain't there?" "There's millions of them?" "I love him." "I just bloody love him!" "Isn't there anything up there that rings a bell?" "I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be looking for." "They're all got names, like the Bear." "Things like that." "Well, can't you just find the Bear?" "Well, what does it look like?" "Like a bloody rabbit!" "What do you think a bear looks like?" "Where would I find it?" "Standing on top of a glacier mint!" "You're giving me the 'ump, Albert." "The right 'ump!" "(ROARING)" " Look!" " What?" "Up there!" "It's Concorde!" "So?" "I'm just saying." "Concorde." "I'm going to kill him." "I'm going to kill him!" " I'm going to kill you." " Del, leave him alone!" "(ANGRY SHOUTING)" "There we go, Rodders." "Here's your tea." "Sorry I spilt it." "Any luck?" "No, not a thing." "Where's Ahab?" "He's down in the cabin poncing about with the radio." "It's all crackles, hisses and Dogger Banks." "I can't be doing with it." "At least he's doing something positive." "Positive?" "He's trying to get the Kid Jensen show!" "Hang about." "Where are them binoculars?" "Ahoy!" "Full ahead both, Mr Christian!" "Why?" "We're going to Holland, Rodders." "Holland!" "(WHISTLES A HORNPIPE)" "Oi!" "Oi, John!" "Holland?" "What?" "Which way to Holland?" "Holland?" "It's over there!" "Cheers, pal!" "Albert!" "It's to the right." "Holland is that way." "Thank you!" "See?" "If you don't know the way, you've just got to ask someone." "# Hi diddle dee dee A sailor's life for me!" "#" " What is the time?" " You've got a watch, ain't ya?" "Yes, but it hasn't worked since Del sold it to me." "It's five to eleven." "That's five to twelve their time." "The exchange doesn't take place till midday, so just calm down." "Calm down, he says." "I am becoming concerned about this whole affair." "What is worrying you now?" "You know perfectly well what's worrying me." "What if Van Kleefe discovers the £50,000 is counterfeit?" "How?" "He's a Dutchman." "He wouldn't know a dodgy tenner from a real one." "Not immediately, but in time he may." "We have discussed this time and time again." "The first thing Van Kleefe is gonna do is launder that money." "He's then going to exchange it for Dutch notes." "It will then be exchanged time and time again, until some smart arse discovers it's worthless." "But they won't know who gave it to them." "Del may notice they're fakes." "I shouldn't think so, and he's hardly going to voice his doubts with Van Kleefe and his heavies in attendance!" "A minute to go." "I wonder if he's there yet." "(RODNEY) Where are we, then?" "(DEL) It's obvious, innit?" "We're in Bulgaria!" "I know that." "I know where we are." "What I meant was..." "Well, where are we?" "This is the North Sea Canal." "It takes us to the heart of Amsterdam." "Yeah." "Just don't act suspicious, Rodney." "Just pretend we're Dutchmen." "All right?" "Ajax!" "It's one minute past time." "Why ain't he rung?" "Maybe they've sunk." "No." "Uncle Albert's with 'em." "Yeah." "Maybe they have sunk." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Oh." "Hello, Mr Biggerstaff." "You bought a car off us when?" "I don't care if you are broken down." "What do you expect me to do?" "Well, my advice to you, pal, is shove it." "This is not Mr Boyce speaking." "This is his public relations officer." "(ORGAN PLAYS "TULIPS FROM AMSTERDAM")" " You stay down here." " Why?" "We don't know what sort of welcome we're going to get." "It might turn nasty." "If there's gonna be trouble, I want to be with you." "I want you to stay down here." "First sign of any trouble, you leg it." " No way..." " Rodney!" "Keep your eye on him." "Make sure he stays here." "All right, Del." "It's for the best, son." "Good afternoon." "Derek Trotter." "From London." "Good afternoon, Mr Van Kleefe." "My name is Derek Trotter." "Sorry I'm late." "I had a bit of bother, as you can see." "Not to worry, Mr Trotter." "You're here now." "This is Mr Hussein, Abdul's cousin." "And these two gentlemen are my assistants." "He's a big lad." "I suppose it's all that cheese he eats!" "You have the money?" "I have the money, Mr Van Kleefe." "Do you have the diamonds?" "Yes." "I have the diamonds." "If you will examine them, I'll make the phone call." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Oh." "Good afternoon, Mr Van Kleefe." "It's him." "Your man has arrived." "Of course." "He wants to talk to you." "Hello, Boycie." "Everything all right, Del?" "Yeah." "Couldn't be better." "Is my cousin there?" "Is Abdul's cousin there?" " He's checking the merchandise." " These are blue white stones." "Purity clean, cut by experts." "They are of the finest quality." "He says they're pukka." "The stones are good." "OK, Del." "I'm now going to give you the combination to the briefcase." "It's seven, one, four..." "Seven, one, four." "Nine, three, nine." "Nine, three, nine." "Good." "I believe these are yours, Mr Trotter." "Thank you very much." "Boycie, we've got a deal." "Good." "No problems?" "No." "Everything went sweet as a nut." "I'll see you soon." " Yeah." "Don't forget, will ya?" " I'll give you a bell." " Will you be needing me any longer?" " No." "On your way, pal." "The exchange is completed." "Thank you." "It's nice to do business with you as well." "Well, must fly." "See you soon, Mr Van Kleefe." "Good day, Mr Trotter, and good luck." "Ajax." "Their courier has just left." "He should be with you soon." "Trotter." "Derek Trotter." " All right, Del?" " T'riffic." " Well, gentlemen..." " Del." " Leg it!" " Let's go!" "(VERY FAST ORGAN MUSIC)" "(CRASH)" "Ajax, pal!" "Come on." "Come on, Albert." "You gotta keep going." "You two go on." "I'll be all right." "All right." "Come on, Del." "Rodney, come on." "We can't leave him." "Why not?" "He's got nothing incriminating on him." "You can't leave the poor old sod to face the music." "All right." "Look, look." "Hands up." "No rough stuff, eh?" "You dozy little twonk, Rodney!" "What did you shout "Run!" for?" "Eh?" "It weren't me, it was him!" "No." "Del shouted "Run!"" "No, I didn't." "It was nothing to do with me." "Yes, you did." "I heard you!" "You called, sir?" "We've got our man, Hoskins." "Del?" "How did you find out, sir?" "I've got a feeling in my water." "Remember what happened last time?" " You mean the antibiotics?" " No, I don't mean that." "When I nicked that Paki gang for cocaine mixed with curry powder." "Yeah." "That was a good hunch of yours, sir." "Look at this." "I've got Davis and Skinner covering Luton Airport." "There's a ten-man team at Heathrow." "You and me are at Gatwick." "Right, Hoskins." "I'm going to teach you the rules of airport surveillance." "Remember, patience, Hoskins." "Be prepared for a long, long wait." "Also, suspect everyone." "But what's the most important thing, Hoskins?" "I don't know, sir." "Oh, yeah." "Wear sombreros!" "What do I look like?" "Well..." "Er, carry on, sir." "I look like an ordinary holiday maker." "Oh, I see." "Blend in to the surroundings." "The first rule of surveillance is, don't look conspicuous." "We'll have to get you something." "You look a right tit." "(DEL) How can we be lost again?" "I thought you'd know the way by now!" "So did I!" "It all looks the same to me." " I feel sick." " Oh, shut up, Rodney!" "Look, why can't we just go back the way we came?" "That's what I've been trying to do!" "Del, there's a ship." "Well, that's a turn up for the book, innit, eh?" "This is the last place you'd expect to find a ship!" "It's the Norland." " It's the Norland!" " So what?" "The Norland?" "We saw that back in port before we left England." "Del, that is the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry!" "So it's the Zeebrugge to Hull..." "The Zee..." "Ow!" "Good boy, Rodney." "Well spotted." "Albert!" "Follow that boat!" "Four o'clock." "They're still not back." "It's not four o'clock." "It's half past twelve." "Bloody watch!" "They're still a day late." "Something has gone wrong." "Del phoned me this morning at half past seven." "He's back in England." "They even got through Customs." "They probably got held up... (BACKFIRING)" "It's them." "Let Popeye out the back, Rodney." " Where the hell have you...?" " All right, all right." "We had a little bit of trouble." "Got lost in the middle of the North Sea." "Then Rodney spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry, so we followed it." "And that's how you got to Hull?" "No." "That's how we got to Zeebrugge!" "It was going the wrong bloody way." "So we had to wait for it to turn round and then followed it back." "Well, you're here now anyway." "OK." "Got the diamonds?" "Got the money?" "Here's your money." "Put it on the table." " Del..." " On the table." "On the table." "Buenos dias." "Bloody hell!" "Slater!" "Rodney, quick, this way." "Out the back!" "They're pretty, ain't they?" " Inspector Slater..." " Chief Inspector." "My apologies." "Chief Inspector." "Couldn't we discuss this in a civilised manner?" "What's to discuss?" "I've got you bang to rights." "Phew!" "You smell like a mackerel trawler." "So would you if you'd been in the middle of the North Sea." "So you came in by sea, did ya?" "I just spent 18 hours waiting at Gatwick Airport." " Who are you?" "You're a Trotter!" " I'm the boys' uncle." "You can see the family resemblance." "It's those shifty eyes and furtive movements." "Dead giveaway." "This is a very sad day for me." "My last case and I have to nick two of me old school friends." "Still." "Never mind, eh?" "30." "Spot on." "Roy." "Give us a break, will ya?" "It wasn't us that smuggled those diamonds in." "It was Del Boy." "Yes, he's right." "It was nothing to do with us." "It was them three." "No, no, no." "It was just me, Slater." "No." "I was the brains behind it." "Oh, all right, then." "It is tearing me apart to see you lot squirming like this." "What am I to do?" " Away you go, Parker." " Yes, guv." "All right." "I've reached a decision." "There are two ways we can handle this unfortunate situation." "One." "I take you all down the nick with the evidence, and see you banged up for five years." "Or two..." "I pretend it never happened." "Yeah." "That sounds a good scheme." "Let's pretend it never happened." "Yes." "I will go along with that." "What do you think, Del Boy?" "I think something smells very fishy around here, and it ain't just these clothes." "How come you knew there was 30 diamonds?" "And how come you knew who was involved right from the start?" "Just a minute." "That bloke you was telling us about who you couldn't nick." "What was his name?" "You mean Hendricks?" "Yeah." "His surname wouldn't have been Van Kleefe by any chance, would it?" "You found me out, you rascal!" "What?" "You and Van Kleefe!" "That's right." "He offered me a little business deal." "He sets up a bunch of wallies greedy enough to smuggle diamonds and I pick 'em up." "Not only do we get paid at both ends, you take all the risks." "Brilliant, innit?" "It's the third time we've pulled it off." "And there is nothing you can do about it." "Unless, of course, you fancy a spell in the Scrubs." "Well, gentlemen, I think we've concluded our business, don't you?" "Ain't you gonna wish me good luck for the future?" "No?" "Oh, well." "Win some, lose some." "I hope we bump into each other one of these days." "I don't think so, Del Boy." "I'm going a long way away from here." "Cheer up, lads." "You've still got your freedom." "You berk, Abdul!" "How was I to know Van Kleefe was a crook?" "Bloody foreigner!" "Where you going?" "Where am I going?" "I'm going where I should have stayed right at the bloody start." "I'm going home." "Don't get the hump with us." "We ain't done nothing." "You ain't done nothing?" "You sent me halfway round the world!" "I've been to Amsterdam." "I've been to Hull and back!" "For what?" "Slater's taken the diamonds." "He's taken the money." "And on top of that, my two mates have grassed me up." "It weren't actually grassing you." "No, no." "It was more of a diversory tactic." "Yeah." "To divert the blame from yourselves." "Come on, Rodney, Albert." "Let's go home." "I can't understand, sir." "Not a single clue to the diamonds' whereabouts?" "Not a thing." "They were as clean as whistles." "This is the third time we've followed the diamonds, and the third time we've drawn a blank." "That's the way it goes in this game." "Maybe I'm past it." "My hunches don't seem to pay off any more." "Just as well I'm taking early retirement." "Do you know what I think?" "No, and I'm not really interested." "You're not paid to think, Hoskins." "Now, drive me home." "Yes, sir." "Where are you going?" "This isn't the way to my house." "I know it isn't, sir." "What's all this?" "They've known about you a long time." "They just couldn't catch you in possession till now...sir." " You set me up." " You set yourself up, sir." "Look, Hoskins..." "Terence." "Use your loaf." "Help me out of this and I'll make you a rich man." "The money from them other diamonds is in the bank." "I'll let you have half." "What do you think?" "You seem to forget, sir." "I don't think." "I only do my job." "I think we should phone the police." "Phone the police?" "Oh, yeah?" "And what are we gonna tell 'em?" "A bent copper disguised as the Cisco Kid stole our smuggled diamonds?" "Yeah, you have a point." "Yeah." "At least the only money we lost was counterfeit." "Apart from the fifteen grand Slater half inched." "You mean that was real?" "I drew it out the bank Friday." "I didn't intend to pay Del Boy funny money." "I ain't into plastic surgery." "I am gutted." "Gutted." " Del..." " Hold on." "Hold on a minute." "Oi, listen, you two." "This hasn't turned out as bad as you think." "It hasn't turned out as bad as we think?" "!" "It's turned out bloody well, Rodney." "Albert, pour the drinks." "What do you want, Rodney?" "An explanation would be nice." "Listen to me." "You know that 50 grand we took over to Amsterdam?" "It was counterfeit." "It was counterfeit?" "!" "And you knew?" "Not till I opened the case in Van Kleefe's office." "One thing I do know about, Rodney, and that is kosher readies." "Cheers." "And you didn't tell no one?" "Oh, yeah." "I said, "Excuse me, Mr Van Kleefe," ""that's Mickey Mouse money." Of course I didn't!" "I just prayed." "My old April was going like a moped." "Fortunately, he gave the money to his two gorillas, who were as bright as an eclipse!" "So Boycie and Abdul sent us over there with fake money?" "Right." "We're gonna get even with 'em for that!" "We already have, Rodney." " Eh?" " Go on, Albert." "Show him." "Hold yer hand out." "They're real, ain't they?" "Top of the range, my son." "Blue white." "Purity absolutely clean." "They are, as they say in France, "chassee de formee"." "No, hold on." "Slater picked up 30 diamonds." "No, he didn't." "He took 28 diamonds and two cat's eyes." "Oh, Derek!" "Oh, who's a pretty boy, then!" "They're worth about five grand each." "By the time we put them through the fence, we'll get six grand for both." "Six thousand pounds split three ways means that you two get £1,000 each in your skies." "Yeah!" "Eh?" "Actually, we've got slightly more than that." " What do you mean?" " That 15 grand that went missing." "It didn't go missing." "That bark Slater picked it up!" "Oh, Slater didn't pick it up." "I did." "You crafty little sod, Rodney." "Well, you know, it was just there, lying on the table." "And in all that confusion when we tried to escape," "I could just hear it saying, "Daddy!" "Daddy!"" "So I picked it up." "You know what we're gonna do with this?" "Yes!" "We'll invest it." "We'll make it work for us." "This time next year, we'll be millionaires!" "Or shall we go to Benidorm?" "I'll show you what we're gonna do with it." "For a minute, I thought he threw that 15 grand out the window." "No." "Don't be silly, Unc." "I mean, who'd do a silly thing like that?" "It was Boycie's money, weren't it?" "It was fake." "Dud." "Counterfeit." "It looked genuine enough to me." "It had all the little watermarks and silver strips and everything." "Oh, leave it out, Rodney." "What do you think I am, some sort of wally?" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street Hooky Street... #"