"If someone asked me the biggest difference between the suburbs and Manhattan," "I will have to say..." "It's the moms." "It's like the million mom march the places crawling with them." "They're in the malls, they're at the rock concerts, they're shuffling out of the tanning salon with their manipedi flip flops, with theirs ever present daughters, and enormous frozen coffee drinks." "Now, the whole mom thing is little foreign to me." "My mom ducked out shortly after they cut the umbilical cord, so having grown up with just my dad really made me wonder." "What is it with these mothers?" "They're people, okay?" "Just like you and me." "Things had been a little tense between us since the unauthorized search and seizure dad conducted in my room." "First he searched, then he had a total seizure." "He pulled me out of school, bubble-wrapped my life, and threw it in the back of a moving truck." "I went from here..." "Good-bye, Washington Square Park." "Good-bye, sexually active classmates." "To here." "Pretty ironic that a box full of rubbers landed me in a town full of plastic." "What color would you call that?" "Circus peanut?" "Or maybe it's more in the vomit family." "Well, I guess that depends on what you ate, maybe..." "lobster bisque." "No." "No, I'm talking about your basic, run-of-the-mill, stomach acid vomit." " Uh-huh." " That's pretty much it, isn't it?" "Why don't you grab your bag and go criticize the inside of the house?" "Yoo-hoo!" "Neighbor!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Hiya, neighbor." "I'm Sheila." "Are you the new family from New York?" "Nice." "What?" "You taught me not to talk to strangers." "Come on in." "This is it." "Huh?" "It's pretty big, right?" "Bigger than your room in the city." "Can you picture yourself living a-a normal, adolescent existence here?" "I don't know." "It's kind of girlie." "Well, you're a girl." "Yeah, but I'm not a cat clock kind of girl." "What if you are a cat clock kind of girl and you just don't know it yet?" "Yeah." "I'm not." "The next morning, i was startled awake by an unfamiliar sound..." "No garbage trucks, no taxi cabs, no car alarms?" "Silence." "It's too quiet." "Yoo-hoo!" "Tell your wife I'm gonna drop off a pot roast!" "Uh, I don't have a wife." "Don't have a wife." "Don't have a wife." "Don't have a wife." "Crap." "Okay, so you... you ready for your welcome present?" "Oh, my God." "Is it a car?" "I might have oversold." "Ta-da!" ""Ta-da" is what you say when something good happens." "Come on." "It's... it's cool." "Yeah." "I can keep my adult undergarments in the wicker basket." "Stop it." "This is an elderly person's bike, George." " Don't call me George." " This is Betty white's bike." "And besides, I don't even know how to ride." "Well, learning is gonna be one of the fun suburban things we get to do together." "But as for today, you're gonna have to walk because I have a consultation on a remodel right after my breakfast at the country club." "Breakfast at the country club?" "Mm-hmm." "Do you realize that your street cred just disintegrated with that very sentence?" "Didn't realize I had street cred." " Now it's gone." " Damn." "And I'm sure the club sounds a lot fancier than it is." "Hi." "Sorry." "I don't..." "Belong here." "George, buddy!" "Over here in the shallow end!" " Hey, honey." " Yeah!" "My friend." "There you are!" "What is up?" "Look at you!" "Oh, my God!" "Aah!" "You're as pale as a corpse." "Really?" "Well, you're... you're the color of a nerf ball." "I am sun-kissed." "Look at the face." "You look exactly the same as you did in college." "Yeah, you do, too, except maybe a little blonder." "Are you blonder?" "I better be blonder." "I spent a lot of money to be blonder." "We use foils." "So how do you like suburbia?" "It's gorgeous, right?" "I mean, green grass, blue skies, nothing smells like urine..." "Look at this." "She's texting." "That woman's about to walk into the pool." "Ma'am!" "Ma'am!" "Ma'am!" "Whoa!" "You'd be amazed how often that happens." "Good news is, because of the implants, nobody drowns." "They're completely buoyant." "All of 'em." "You are gonna have a field day." "Yeah, well, this might come as a surprise to you, but that kind of thing doesn't really appeal to me." "I'm more attracted to the school system, the clean air." "But you can't have sex with the school system." "Not really." "I mean, you came here for the kid." "I get that." "I'm just saying that this whole displaced new yorker thing you've got going is gonna kill out here." "It's gonna kill." "Mm." "Look." "Our waitress is eye-humping you right now." " Hey." " Hey." "Would you gentlemen care to hear our specials today?" "Ooh." "We have a seafood eggs Benedict served with the blackened shrimp." "We also have an extremely tender, local, farm-raised waitress named Jocelyn served on a bed of your choosing." "I'm gonna have the shrimp." "Shrimp... shrimp's probably a better choice." "To properly navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places." "Without one, you're living like the early settler." "I mean, is that what dad wanted?" "For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.?" "Yo!" "At that precise moment, i had no idea what it was." "Ow." "But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites." "It was sugarfree Red Bull." "Are you a lesbian?" "You mean because I'm not dressed like I have a pole in my locker?" "Those are lesbian boots." "Tessa, I'm Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor." "I'm here to help you absolutely any time you need..." "Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45 P.M." "And this is Dalia." "Dalia is your buddy." "How so?" "Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school." "For extra credit." "For extra credit." " Buddies are not your friends." " Not necessarily, no." "Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else?" "That look said it all..." "Welcome to suburgatory." "Coming!" "Hi." "I'm Dallas." "You must be George the architect." "Wow." "That... that is not a good way to answer the door." "Beg pardon?" "Well, you j... you just supplied a complete stranger with all the information he would need." "All the information he would need for what?" "He could just say, "why, yes, Dallas," "I am George the architect,"" "and... and step inside your insanely lavish foyer and, you know..." "So are you an architect or are you gonna come in and..." "'Cause you look like an architect." "I'm an architect." "Okay, good." "So come on in." "This is Dalia's bedroom." "She's my princess." "My miracle." "This is where we keep her denim, and that's her shoe closet, segregated by heels, wedges, flats, and mules." "Mules?" "Those are backless shoes, George." "And this is her..." "Creation station..." "Home of her blushers, her lip lacquers, her nail care..." "Her hair extensions, her tanning solutions and so forth." "You got the whole teenage girl thing down." "Girls can be so insecure at this age, and I just want my Dalia to feel beautiful, hence the renovation." "I would like a skylight put over the place where she slumbers." "Can I..." "Can I ask you a question completely unrelated to the skylight?" "Well, of course." "What would a mom like you do if you found condoms in her drawer?" "What kind of condoms?" "Uh, latex." "Opened or unopened?" " Oh, unopened." " Okay." "Unopened box of condoms that she said belonged to a friend of hers." "I think I would have to trust her." "After all, they were just in the drawer." "She wasn't trying very hard to hide them, which makes me think she must trust me, so I would trust her." "Oh, George, it must be hard raising her all on your own." "Okay." "So people around here gossip." "It's just neighbors being neighbors, but I'll tell you who to watch out for." "Sheila." "Sheila Shay?" "She's had 14 fibroids removed from her u-taytay." "Anyway, she's a real gossip." "Uh, yeah, actually, Sheila Shay..." "She dropped off a pot roast for us this morning." "Well, it takes a village." "Yeah, but what Tessa really needs doesn't come in a cast-iron pot." "She needs some of this motherly love." "Oh." "Yeah, maybe a unicorn and some sparkly stuff." "Maybe some dead hair." "Well, you're in luck, 'cause you are looking at the mall queen." "I can give you a guided tour." "Maybe even today after school." "We could take Tessa to all of Dalia's favorite shops." "Oh, she will love it, and she'll love Dalia." "Everybody does." "I hated Dalia." "Her personality was as flat as her hair." "Glee club." "Bleachers." "Cafeteria." "Nose job." "Nose job." "Nose job." "Nose job." "I guess I know what the most popular elective is." "Diversity student." "Malik." "Hello." "Oral arts." "What's wrong with those two?" "They have team spirit." "And is that just something that clears up on its own?" "Of all the places on my tour, i liked the handicapped bathroom best." "In Manhattan, the handicapped bathroom would have leased for $950 a month." "I stayed there all through lunch." "So, Lisa, your brother must be really jealous of you." "Why would he be jealous of me?" "Well, because you can grow a mustache, and he can't." "Did you see her face?" "I had not intended to make any new friends." "My plan was to serve my time and get out." "But this girl looked even more miserable than I was." "Hey." "I know how it feels to get picked on, and if you ever need anyone to talk to..." "Stay away from me, you lesbian!" "So my classmates thought i was a "vagitarian,"" "my dad thought I was a nympho, and I was starting to feel like i was living in a horror movie, some white picket fence nightmare." "They say New York is intimidating, but these people seem like the type who'd eat their young." "I was halfway home..." "When I got body-snatched." "Tessa." "Dad." "What are you doing here?" "Whose car is this?" "Hey, girl!" "I'm a friend of your daddy's." "She is?" "Don't be rude, Tessa." "Get in the car." "They were taking me to the one place on Earth they knew i would never survive..." "The juniors section at the mall." "Oh, my gosh!" "Look how cute these boyfriend shorts are!" "I mean, whose boyfriend are we talking about?" "This will show off my belly ring." "You know what else those will show off?" "Your vagina." "Are... are the lights really bright in here?" "I feel..." "I feel like there's less oxygen somehow." "Oh, sweetheart." "Is the music especially loud in here?" "I feel like the music is especially loud in here." " Honey." "Honey." " What?" "You need to go grab a snack at the food court, and then have a seat over there on the dad couch." "D... oh." "Yeah, okay." "Oh, sweetheart, you want anything?" "No, she certainly does not." "We don't gorge ourselves on salty snacks while we're trying on clothes." "Why?" " Bloating." " That's just girl 101." "Bloating." "Okay, girl 101." "Right." "Okay." "I'm gonna, uh, go sit on the dad couch, stay out of your way, let the ladies do their thang." "Hey." "Look at this." "Cute." "If if you run into my dad, tell him I hate it here and I want to go home." "Just kidding." "Mom." "Ooh, it's a little long." "I could hem it." "It's so lame your mom died, beeyotch." " My mom..." "Didn't die." " She's just gone." "So you became a lesbian to get back at her." "What?" "Tessa, if you need any help or you have any questions or you feel lost or unattractive in any way, just let me know." "I know why we're doing all this." "It's because your mom feels sorry for me." "No, it's because my mom wants to screw your dad." "Doesn't your mom screw your dad?" "No." "The suspense is killing me." "I'm dying to see how cute you girls look." "I'm buying this." "Oh, my goodness, Tessa." "Look at you." "That is a keeper." "That top is just off the chizzy, is it not?" "Oh, this is going straight to the register." "Hey." "Oh, honey, it's just us girls." "Oh, dear Lord." "Who did this to you?" "What?" "This?" "I-I ordered it from a sporting good catalog." "What's the problem?" "Well, it's downright orthopedic." "It's like a giant ace bandage, like something a burn victim would wear." "Are you calling my bra ugly?" "Well, yes, honey, I am, because it is ugly, and I would love to find one for you that isn't, along with a nice, heterosexual dress shoe." "That night, I decided to debut a new look." "I called it mall skank." "Tessa, please." "Dinner's getting cold." "What are we eating?" "It smells like passover." "Oh, there she is!" "Cute outfit alert." " Cute outfit alert." " Hey!" "What... what is that?" "What are you wearing?" "Uh, this is the outfit you bought me at the mall." " Don't you like it?" " Yeah." "No." "All right, let's eat." "Can I say something?" "This is really nice, isn't it?" "Yes." "When was the last time dad put a home-cooked meal" " on the table?" " I brought my own dinner." "Okay, that is not dinner." "Uh, haven't you heard?" "George, the girls here don't eat dinner." "That's how they keep their body weight under 80 pounds." "Bikini ready by summer." "Don't you open that drink." "You want me to be just like the suburban girls, don't you?" "Don't you dare open that drink, Tessa." "No, I forbid you to open that..." "Ooh." "Don't even put that straw in that can." " That's the last straw." " Do..." " Tessa, don't you dare take a sip." " She's gonna take a sip." "That is not your dinner." "This is your dinner." "Ahh!" "O... you know what, then?" "Then you... you're gonna go to bed without dinner." "Oh, God, George!" " Well..." " I don't even recognize you." "It's like... it's like you're one of them." " What'd I do?" " Sweetheart, I'm trying to give you what all these other girls have." "Oh, well, I'm not all these other girls, and I don't want what they have!" "All right." "This was voted the fifth best place in the country to raise kids." "I don't have kids." "You ruined my life!" "Oh, I did not ruin your life!" "I think I ruined her life." "The next morning, we didn't speak much." "Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books." "Okay." "Remember that time you got me that goldfish and you said I had to take care of it all by myself and I was so excited to show you that I could that I rushed home from school and I cleaned out the bowl," "and I changed the water, and I threw the fish in there, but the water was too cold and the fish went into shock and got these little tiny bubbles all over his body and then died?" "Yeah." "I feel like the fish." "Okay." "Well..." "You remember the time I-I tried to show you that Fellini movie and you refused to watch it because it was in black and white and had subtitles and you said it looked dumb and boring, but then they made you watch it at school" "and it turned out you actually loved it?" "Yeah." "I feel like this is a Fellini movie." "Oh." "Hello." "My mom sent me over here to get her pot back." "Oh, I didn't take your mom's pot." "I don't even smoke pot." "Her pot..." "From last night?" "It's red with a silver rooster on it?" "How'd that roast work out for you?" "That's your mom?" "Yeah." "Is that your brother?" "Yeah." "Come on in." "We didn't clean it." "That's okay." "I only freaked out on you in the girls' room because I didn't want to get made fun of anymore." "Yeah." "I get it." "It's okay." "We're cool." "Cool." "Tessa?" "Your dad said I could come up." "Can I come in?" "You're already in." "Um, about the other day," "I acted like a biznitch, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am." "It's just, I'm of the mind... set that every girl should be given a bra by somebody who knows a thing or two about bras." "Well, I will leave the two of you alone." "It was presumptuous." "It was inappropriate, and it was by far, the prettiest thing I owned." "So maybe these moms weren't all bad, and maybe, sometimes, underneath a pair of giant, synthetic breasts, you can find a giant, nonsynthetic heart." "That's when I realized, it wasn't just me who was stuck in suburgatory." "Dad was here, too." "Yoo-hoo!" "George!" "I heard you met my friend Jocelyn at the club." "Said the two of you really hit it off." "We sure did, Sheila." "There he is." "There's my boyfriend!" "Hi, George!" "I'm stalking you!" "Uh-oh!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "The way I saw it, we'd need two things to survive..." "Automatic sprinklers..." " Beautiful lawn." " Beautiful." " Beautiful." " Love it." "And a restraining order."