"A lot can happen when a visitor comes to town, whether it's a relative, an old friend, the Pope, or as hard to believe as it might be, in her case, a new boyfriend." " Larry." " Hi." "Do you wanna go see a movie this weekend?" "Before you answer, just know that the only reason I asked you is so that you would say "Sure," and then I could say, "Sorry, I can't," ""'cause my policeman boyfriend is coming to town, so I'm gonna be with him."" "Nah, I don't feel like going to a movie." "So, what are you and Dennis gonna do?" " I'm trying to think of something fun to do." " I have an idea." "Why don't you guys go driving around handing out tickets to people who don't deserve them, because if I remember correctly, that's sort of your boyfriend's thing." "I thought you weren't wearing your seatbelt." "And I thought you were my friend." "Oh." "Oh, now..." "Now we're supporting each other?" "I'm actually kind of nervous about seeing Dennis again." "Why?" "You guys had so much fun last time." "Did we?" "That was two weeks ago." "People change." "I'm just not sure he's right for me." "Don't do the checklist thing." "Just because a guy can speak a foreign language and reads a book a week does not mean he's dating material." "You wanna know who reads a book a week?" "Inmates." "Don't knock the checklist, Kate." "It has steered me away from many a loser." "What about that funny, handsome doctor?" " Who wore a pinky ring." " Or the sexy artist?" " Who casually littered." " What about Trevor?" "Whose name was Trevor." "Sorry we took so long." "Larry did this whole elaborate dance where he pretended to look in his wallet for money." "I swear there's a 20 in here somewhere." "Oh, my God." "This is awesome." "I get to take care of my boss's dog Pasta this weekend." "Samantha usually does it, but she broke both her legs." "Which I feel terrible about." "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Kate." " You're not..." " Yes, I am." "Mmm..." "She thinks I'm not good with animals." "I grew up on a farm." "Where the animals would literally run away from you." "Her dad eventually had to reinforce the fence to keep the cows in." "He told me that was just to make them feel safe." "You know what?" "I'm over all of that anyway." "And lately I've really been wanting a pet." "I think looking after this dog would be great practice and a chance to impress my boss." "Maybe you should practice on a pet whose owner can't fire you." "You know what?" "Don't worry." "I'll help." "When I was a kid," "I had three dogs, and they all loved me." "Well, two of them loved me, and one of them was, well, not all there." "We can take care of your boss's dog together." "It'll be fun." "See, this is fun, right?" "# Our love is volatile, chemical #" "# Anything but typical #" "# I want you badly #" "# I love you madly #" "Okay, don't worry." "I can handle this." "It reminds me of..." "of our third dog Switchback." "He would chew through everything." "You know what?" "I'll bribe him." "I'm not above that." "Here, Pasta." "Oh!" "Ah!" "You know what?" "That was probably just a love nip." "Some dogs do that." "That's how they show affection." "Ow!" "Ah!" "That thing is a monster." "So, I guess the better question is, what's the appropriate time not to use your siren?" "You're funny, Dennis." "Do you know a foreign language?" "I don't barely well know English that good." "That's a joke, Connie." "Oh, okay." "Good." "But so that's "no" then?" "On the language question, that's a..." "No." " That's a "no."" " Okay." "Hey, do you own any jean shorts?" "Not enough." "I mean, what other shorts can you wear with cowboy boots?" "Come on, Connie." "I know what you're doing." "We all have checklists, but some of us are a little more subtle about it." " I'm sorry." " Oh, I don't mind." "I'm just curious how I'm scoring." "Well, you started out slow, but you're picking up." "That's too bad, 'cause you're not doing so great." "You already missed three on mine." "I'm not gonna say which ones, but you might wanna rethink your stance on popcorn shrimp." "Never." " Hmm." " Hmm." "Has own checklist." "Check." "Hey!" "How was your date?" "Well, he missed a lot of things on the checklist." "But I liked him anyway." " Yay!" " What's that sound?" "The washer and dryer?" "Oh, the horrible scratching sound?" " Yes, that one." " That's the dog." "I put him in the bathroom." "Kate, I told you..." "No, things are going so great between us." "He really loves me." "Plus, I think he really likes it in the bathroom." "I don't think he does." "All right, I should get back." "Kate's alone with the dog." "What are you doing with your Saturday?" "I'm work on Saturdays, Ben." "For me, the law never sleeps." "I'm a warrior for justice." "Wow." "You haven't worked on a Saturday since, um..." "Nope, you've never worked on a Saturday." "Ben, there's been a miscarriage of justice here." "Okay?" "Connie's boyfriend..." "God, those words do not wanna be next to each other." "Anyway, that guy gave me a ticket which I did not deserve, so I am going to convince him of his folly." "Now, how am I gonna do that, you may ask?" "I was not going to ask that." "My first thought was that I might go big-city lawyer all over his county-bumpkin ass." "So, you see, I, the appellant, will be arguing pro se and pro tem that there is a clear conflict of interest on your part, seeing as you are dating the only other witness to this so-called crime." "I'll see you in court, Officer." "Well, sir," "I see you have the facts on your side." "You are clearly the better man, both in looks and sexual ability." "Please accept the key to our city." "Yeah." "Why don't you do that?" "Well, to be honest, those keys look cool, but they don't actually open anything, so..." "Secondly, I think he might see that one coming." "So, no, no, no." "I've devised the most brilliant, the most diabolical, most unexpected plan ever." "You're gonna become friends with him." "How did you know that?" "That's always your plan, Larry." "You become friends with guys to get something from them and then you forget you want that thing, and you end up just being friends." "And, no, you still can't have my sister's phone number." "Oh, my gosh." "I almost forgot about her." "She is way better looking than you are." "I shot a kid." "He was 13 years old." "It was dark." "I couldn't see him." "He had a ray gun." "It looked real enough." "Oh, my God." "I can't believe that's your favorite line from Die Hard." "As a police officer, it really moved me." "I'm gonna go powder my nose." "Why do people say that?" "It's so much weirder than what I'm actually gonna do." "Which is just pee, I'm just peeing." "Hey." "Hey." "You're Dennis, right?" "Connie's friend." " Yeah, and you're, um..." " Larry." "Larry Munsch." "No, I remember you." "You're still not wearing your seatbelt." "Although I guess if you were," "I'd have to give you a ticket for being too crazy." "Well, I was actually gonna meet somebody here." "Do you mind if I join you?" " Well, I'm actually..." " I'll just..." "Oh." "Uh, is that watch you're wearing the '93 Z from the June 2009 issue of SkyMall?" "The one that can translate into four languages and do calculus?" " Yeah, actually it is." " Oh, my God!" "I have the exact same watch." "Well, I thought I was the only one who read SkyMall that thoroughly." "Uh, it's only my favorite place to get gifts for people." "My favorite gift is to get people a subscription to SkyMall." " What are you doing here?" " Oh, hey, Connie." "Larry's waiting to meet someone and wanted to join us." "And in the meantime, I think it's safe to say that we're, uh..." "we're becoming friends." "Well, I don't know about that, but we do have the same watch." "And that's not all we have in common." "We've been sitting here for, what, five minutes, and we can already name two things we know we both like." "Two things from the SkyMall catalog." "We both like robotic dogs." "That doesn't count." "Everybody likes robotic dogs." " That's not true." " No." "Larry, why are you really here?" "Even you must sense how inappropriate this is." "There is nothing inappropriate about a manly friendship." "In fact, I think it's kind of beautiful." "Dennis, are you free tomorrow?" "No." "Dennis and I are hanging out." "He's in town to see me." "Sorry, Larry." "I'll have to take a rain check." "But I'll probably be back in town next month." "No, I was hoping to hang out with you a lot sooner than that." "That's..." "It's okay." "We'll figure it out." " There's nothing to figure out." " Yeah, we'll figure it out." "I'm not crazy." "I mean, I know things aren't going great with Pasta, but maybe it's not me." "Maybe it's the dog." "I mean, maybe pasta just really doesn't like anyone." "Oh, I don't..." "I don't think he really likes me." "Maybe he's getting used to us." "Yeah." " What's that noise?" " That noise..." "Oh, he's purring." " He likes you." " Oh, okay." "So, it is me." "I'm the problem." "You know what?" "You just need to bond with him." "Tomorrow is Sunday." "Why don't you two do something fun together?" "Just the two of you." "You can go for a walk or anything." "Sky is the limit!" "But probably a walk, right?" "I mean, he is a dog." "Okay." "Ben was right." "Look at us learning to love each other." "It's exactly what we needed..." "some one-on-one time." "I wish those cows could see me now." "You wanna go this way?" "Right?" "Oh!" "Pasta, wait!" "Pasta!" "Pasta!" " Did you find him?" " No." "I thought I saw him at one point, but then I lost sight of him, so I just followed the sound of his leash dragging." "But then after four blocks," "I came around the corner and I realized" "I'd been chasing a woman with a rolling suitcase, who was terrified, needless to say." "Ah, it's gonna be fine." "Right, it's gonna be fine." "Worst case scenario I lose my job, have to move out of here because I can no longer afford my half of the rent, move back to the farm where every day I see those cow eyes judging me." "I see that you're spinning out, and I would love to help you but I can't, because I am meeting Dennis for lunch, and I have to go, because we're under attack from Larry." " Is he being mean to Dennis?" " I wish." "He's trying to be friends with him." "That does sound like you're under attack." "He's up to something." "I just can't figure out what it is." "You know what it sounds like to me?" " Hmm?" " It sounds like you're jealous of Larry and Dennis." "Yeah, I'm jealous, Kate." "Oh, my God, that's it!" "Larry's jealous of me and Dennis." "You're a genius." "Ben, did you find him?" "No." "No sign of him here either." "Okay, look, don't worry." "We put posters up everywhere." "We'll find him." "You know, I don't know what I feel worse about... the fact that Pasta's probably getting inducted into some sort of horrible dog gang, or that I might lose my job because of it, or... and here's the cherry on top..." "I have definitely proven that I'm incapable of taking care of another living thing." "Well, look, I'm sure he's gonna turn up." "Okay?" "We're heading back out there right now." "Oh, we're not going anywhere until I finish eating my breakfast, okay?" "Okay, I'll call you in a bit." "Bye." " What'd she say?" " Well, she's worried this is a sign that she'll never be able to take care of anything." " She said that?" " Yeah." "She said those words?" "Dude, she's obviously talking about... babies." "Exactly." "So you know what you got to do, right?" " Run away." " Find that dog." "What?" "What is happening here?" "I want to have kids with her, Larry." "Ow!" "Jeez." "Can we please agree to stop doing that?" "Uh, let me think about it." "No." "Okay, you know what?" "Look, I'm not talking about having kids now." " Okay." " All right?" "But eventually." "Someday." "And I don't want her to think she's gonna be a bad mom." "As my mom always used to say, Ben, there is no such thing as a good mom." "Anyway, I've gotta help her find this dog, okay?" "But it could literally be anywhere in Manhattan." "I mean, to do this right, I'd need the entire police force." "Stop." "Stop right there." "This sounds like the perfect opportunity to pay a little visit to my new best friend." "I don't like wearing turtlenecks either." "It feels like I'm being strangled by someone wearing very soft gloves." "Isn't it nice not having Larry here?" "Well, I hadn't thought about it, but sure." "I mean, this whole thing with him trying to be friends with you..." "He's up to something." "Do you think he's trying to get in on my massive inheritance?" "You have a massive inheritance?" "If the Beanie Baby market remains stable," "I am gonna be just fine." "I don't know why I'm even talking about Larry." "He isn't even here." " Hello, Larry." " Bonjour, Denny." "Unbelievable!" "I told you he was up to something!" " I'm not up to anything, okay?" " Whatever." "Listen, Kate lost her dog, and we were thinking that you might know some cool police techniques to help find him." "I'm really sorry to interrupt your date." "I just..." "I'm desperate." "It sounds like they could use my help, and I do know cool police techniques." "Larry, can I talk to you for a second?" " Oh, that's..." " Over here." "Excuse me." "I know what you're doing here, Larry." "Yeah, so do I." "I'm asking a law enforcement officer, who also happens to be my new friend, to help me find Kate's dog." " You don't care about that dog." " Incorrect." "I care deeply about every living creature." "You know that." "It's my thing." "And you don't care about being friends with Dennis." "How can you say that?" "We wear the same watch." "So, the only other possible reason for you coming here is because you are jealous." " Oh, jealous." "Oh..." " Yeah, jealous." "Oh, hotdog." "I wish I had a mouth full of water so I could do a spit take right now." "We should really get a move on." "The first 48 hours is the most important in a search for a missing person." "If you do the math in dog years, we are running out of time." "Ben, Dennis, let's roll." "Hey, can I have my sunglasses back?" "Yeah, yeah, you bet." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, man, how awesome is this, huh?" "Three buddies just hanging out." "We're not just hanging out." "We're on a job." "The important thing is to keep your eyes peeled, your head on a swivel, and mind your six." "Mind your six?" "How awesome is that?" "Larry, would you stop this, please." " We have to find this dog." " I'm looking." "Looking harder than anyone, okay, except for maybe my friend Dennis here." "Ooh, "my friend Dennis." I could get used to that." " Just mind your six, Larry." " Mind my six." "Got it." "What is my six?" "He's not at the 18th Street shelter either." "Do you have any other thoughts?" "Yeah, that Larry is unbelievable." "I mean, does he really think I would ever like him like that?" "The thought is sickening." "This whole love triangle thing is really important, Connie, but please can you focus?" " What if we don't find him?" " We'll find him." "Manhattan's not that big, and people here like to help, and..." "Yeah, they're not gonna find him." "Boom." "Found him." "Oh, thank God!" "I was gonna be in so much trouble." "And, more importantly, you're safe." " Uh-huh." " Where's Dennis?" "We broke up into quadrants." "He'll be back soon." "Now, it should be said that even though I'm the one that found the dog, it wouldn't be possible without the training that Dennis gave me." "He's not even here, Larry." "You want your pillow, Pasta?" "Here you go, little guy." "You know, maybe he's hungry." "Why don't you, uh, try giving him a treat?" "Looks like Pasta's time on the streets really scared him straight." "He's like a whole new dog." "Boom." "Found him!" "But he must've slipped out of his collar." "Wait, who's that?" "Oh, no." "Now we have too many dogs." "But that can't be Pasta." "You said he had brown ear tips." "Oh, my God." "He is good!" "Are you sure this one's Pasta?" "That's him." "You realize you stole a dog, right?" "It certainly does appear that way." "Thank you so much for helping with the dog." "I know Kate really appreciates it." "It was my pleasure." "Search parties are always fun." "And it was nice to find something that was still alive for a change." "Oh!" "Oh, look, it's you guys!" "Oh, so glad I ran into you." "Right on time." "Showing up and interrupting my date again." "What?" "No, no." "I just..." "I wanted to make sure that I was here to say good-bye to Dennis before he left." "I know what you're doing here, Larry." "Me too." "Isn't it obvious?" "You're trying to get me to reverse your traffic ticket." "What?" "Whoa!" "Wow, Dennis, that hurts." "I haven't even been thinking about that ticket, all right?" "But, you know, now that you mention it, do friends really give friends traffic tickets?" "It feels like they should be a little more busy doing each other solids, and wearing cool watches, and stuff like that." "Robotic dogs." "Well, Larry, I wouldn't be a very good friend if I let you think that driving without a seatbelt didn't have consequences." "This is all about your stupid traffic ticket?" "Uh-uh." "Connie, there's no such thing as stupid tickets, only stupid idiots." "If you wanna fight your ticket in court," "I'll be happy to take you to dinner when you lose." "No, never mind." "I hate court." "Uh, well, I guess I should be taking off." "After 11, the amount of drunk drivers on the road doubles every hour." "By 3 A. M., it's pretty much bumper cars out there." "Okay." "Well, the next time you come down," "I am gonna make sure that Larry doesn't bother us." "Yeah." "I'm not sure I'm gonna be coming back down anytime soon, Connie." "Why?" "Well, I wasn't surprised that Larry was trying to get out of his ticket, but what did surprise me was how disappointed you were that that was all he was doing." "I don't know what you're talking about." "What I'm saying is, is maybe the person you're really looking for isn't the person who would do well on your checklist." "Sometimes it takes a person you don't know very well to point out the obvious." "Whoo!" "I guess people just have different skills." "Some people are good at nurturing, and I'm good at... remembering the names of every cab driver" "I've ever had." "And sometimes a person who knows you best totally misses the point." "Kate, you have nothing to worry about." "Okay?" "You are going to be a great mom." "What?" "Do you know something that I don't know?" "No, no." "I just..." "Well, when you talked about nurturing," "I thought you must have meant nurturing babies." "No, I didn't." "I just meant that I hate that I can never have a pet." "Oh." "Well... that was a serious misread on my part." "Plus, no duh, I'm gonna be an awesome mom." "Have you met me?" "But I'm very glad you think so too." " Hey." " Yo." " So, uh, we just saw Dennis leave." " Mm-hmm." "Take care of that ticket or what?" "No." "No, no, no." "But, uh, I think we're even." "You stole his sunglasses?" "No, he left them on the table, thank you very much." "Finders keepers." "Benjamin, Benjamin, head on a swivel." "Any ladies on my six?" "Ta-da!"