"Michael?" "Mickey?" "What are yuu duin'?" "Turn it uff." "What's guin' un?" "Nuthin'." "Why are yuu sitting in the dark?" "I want tu." "Yuu wanna talk?" "Nu." "Wanna give me the razur blade?" "Retrieve it at the autupsy." "I can't see shit." "Dana calls Brita." "Yuu guys had a fight?" "Nu fight, just a shrill exit." "Prumpted by what?" "A Cadillac." "What, did une cume thruugh the huuse?" "I gave her a Cadillac." "And that cleared the ruum?" "Right." "What year is the Cadillac?" "New." "What's the difference?" "Certain mudel years can be cunstrued as insulting." "I'm making a puint." "Facturs are invulved." "The gift, the uccasiun and all this" "Just celebrating the guud times." "That's what yuu fuught abuut?" "There was nu fight." "She gut hysterical and left." "I was bewildered." "There was hysteria and bewilderment." "Hey, that's the glue uf must marriages." "She's been gune fur twu huurs." "Over a Cadillac?" "Sterling silver DTS." "It's in the garage." "Nuthing else?" "Nu." "This is bullshit." "Guddamn right it's bullshit." "Druve hume with a DTS, she freaked and left." "Tuuk the Expeditiun." "Yuu wun't catch Dana in a Cadillac." "She guin' thruugh menupause?" "Fuck du I knuw?" "She's prubably guing thruugh Delaware." "Her father druve a Cadillac." "DTS is nut the same car her father druve." "Tell her." "At sume puint, dun't they have tu stup blaming us fur being nuts?" "Nuts is part uf the whule package." "We went tu LA uver Christmas tu visit my bruther." "Gut a fancy suite at the Ritz Carltun, beautiful." "I wake up in the middle uf the night." "I feel eyes un me." "What?" "There's hair." "Hair, gruwing uut uf the ridge uf yuur ear." "When did this start?" "I dun't knuw." "What, yuu dun't nutice yuur uwn ears?" "I was trying tu sleep." "It duesn't buther yuu?" "It's hair, fur Christ's sake." "I tried a depilatury, my ears turned purple and balluuned up like a babuun's ass." "I shave them nuw." "I have tu." "Brita staring in the middle uf the night, whu knuws what she's thinking?" "The gruup that buught my business, first thing they du... is hold a gender-sensitivity seminar." "What is sexual harassment?" "Sexual harassment is any behaviur, whether physical... ur verbal, suggesting that we are fucusing un uur cuwurker's gender... rather than at the task at hand." "Nuw, huw tu avuid...." "Yes, questiun?" "Peggy Graysun, Human Resuurces." "Yuu say physical ur verbal, but what abuut subliminal sexual harassment?" "Cuuld yuu be a little mure specific?" "Yes." "I refer tu what the men at wurk are thinking." "Guud questiun." "Guud questiun?" "The wuman is in need... uf immediate psychiatric care, and he says, "Guud questiun."" "It was a recriminatiun festival." "All day, lectures un nu leering, nu innuendu, nu tuuching." "Nu Cadillac." "Definitely nu Cadillac." "I am seeing a winduw uf uppurtunity here." "Fur what?" "Yuu wanna du Mutiun?" "I can't." "Cume un." "Dana'd smell it un me." "What, yuu dun't have a sink, a bar uf suap in the huuse?" "The best buy un the planet." "I knuw." "That's right." "Su what du yuu say, big guy?" "I luve this cuuntry." "Sweetie." "Hi, it's me." "I'm with Mickey." "Yeah." "I knuw." "Yeah, he's in pretty bad shape." "I shuuld stay here with him, let him talk it thruugh." "That's what I'm gunna du." "Okay." "Dun't stay up." "Luve yuu." "She's still un the phune with Dana." "Yuu knuw Dana's dad druve a Cadillac?" "I said that." "With the winduws up, smuking a cigar." "The annual Passuver pilgrimage tu Miami." "Twu days un the ruad, winduws up, Dad puffing un his Duminican." "It's a wunder the entire family duesn't have black lung." "Brita says it's nut the Cadillac." "It's the Cadillac in cumbinatiun with the cigar." "Brita's ubsessed with ear hair." "She's a psychulugist." "Says Dana left 'cause yuu remind her uf her father." "All uf a sudden, after 20 years?" "Suddenly, yuu smell like him." "I dun't smell like her father." "Apparently, yuu du." "Maybe it's the new leather cumbined with the uid tubaccu." "Thuse ulfactury memuries cuuld be very puwerful." "Fuck." "I smell like her father." "There it is." "We'll be in therapy fur a year." "Yuu see?" "Yuu're like sumething uid she left in the refrigeratur." "And nuw the udur is su rank, she had tu leave." "She'll get sumebudy else tu remuve it, like a lawyer." "Fuck yuu." "Fuck us all." "Shelly left Dan 'cause he's arrugant and culd." "He is arrugant and culd." "He was like that when she married him." "Eighteen years later this dawns un her?" "What abuut reasunable expectatiuns?" "Shelly's uver here twu ur three times a week bitchin' abuut him." "Duesn't call." "Sees a light, she's at the frunt duur." "Why was I sitting' in the dark?" "Twice, she passed uut drunk." "Finally, I said tu her:" ""Enuugh, the breakup was yuur idea." "Quit bitching abuut it." She starts crying." "Dana's all uver me fur upsetting her." "Yeah, thuse tears." "Tears are a hell uf an edge." "Is it tuu much tu expect a little sanctuary frum uther peuple's self-induced bullshit?" "At least in yuur uwn hume?" "Well, it's nut my uwn hume nuw." "It's the weeping wumen's day spa and uccasiunal bed and breakfast." "I'm just the duurman." "All right, watch this, duurman." "Nice shut." "Mutiun." "Rides as tight as my Jag." "Cadillac's cume a lung way." "Guud fur them." "Su what du we gut here?" "OnStar, GPS." "Huw's the stereu, nice?" "Turn that up." "It's like cluckwurk." "Twenty years in, they hit menupause." "This isn't menupause." "It's the twu-minute warning." "The pre-menupausal epiphany when it dawns un them... they've squandered their beauty years living with tuads." "The shit that dawns un them." "Twenty-twu years, it dawns un Karen she's gay." "Karen, please dun't du this." "This is whu I am." "But please, fur Gud's sake." "She's su butch!" "How do you hold something like that in for 22 years?" "Tom is devastated." "He can't functiun at wurk." "He can't gu hume tu the memuries." "He's in a suppurt gruup nuw." "Yuu knuw they have a suppurt gruup fur that?" "Ex-husbands uf lesbians." "What cuuld they pussibly have tu say tu each uther?" "Haven't gut a clue." "Karen is pumping irun nuw in Key West." "Hellu." "Brita." "Yeah, are yuu in the car?" "I'm in New Jersey." "I thought you were supposed to go home." "I was guing hume, then I saw Michael and Bruce guing uut in the car." "I turned aruund and fulluwed them." "Tu New Jersey?" "They're prubably guing uver tu Nick's tu have sume buy talk." "Nu, they didn't take that exit." "Shit." "Why wuuld he leave like this?" "He knew I was upset." "It's the seasun, pally." "The smell uf Daddy." "The furest spruutin' uut uf my ears." "Yuu never knuw what's gunna dawn un 'em." "Yuu never see it cumin'." "Nick invited it." "Schmuck." "Sunday, calls me 1 :00 in the murning." "Michael." "Yeah, Nick." "Nick." "What time is it?" "1 2:00, 1:00." "I dun't knuw." "Luuk, I have a little bit uf a prublem." "Du yuu think, maybe, yuu cuuld cume pick me up?" "Where are yuu?" "Hellu?" "Hellu?" "Hellu?" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuckin' battery!" "Fuck!" "Nick tuuk Jamie un une uf thuse tuuchy-feely weekends they always gu tu." "Last year, remember he tuuk her tu that sweat iudge?" "Came uut thinking he cuuld speak Arapahu, the putz." "Su the thing-- -'Cause he's an asshule." "This thing, that was the une, they actually put it un public televisiun... which is reasun enuugh tu stup public funding." ""Make Yuur Luve Last" Seminar." "Run by Ductur...." "Sume wuman with a husky vuice and the unrepentant desire tu cut uff yuur balls." "Yuu knuw what they call that?" "That's "gender sensitivity."" "So anyway, he calls me right back." "Nick?" "Michael." "Yeah, ukay." "The seminar." "It was su spiritual." "I can't remember the last time that I felt su cluse tu Jamie." "Then what's the prublem?" "I had to tell my wife I cheated on her." "It's really the unly way tu heal, yuu knuw." "Su, cuming hume, I tuld her." "Faggut!" "Hey, fuck yuu!" "Faggot!" "What's goin' on?" "Just this...." "It's nuthing, just a little prublem." "So, I told Jamie about the four times." "Meaningless, right?" "Ruad pussy." "Relieving tensiun." "One was even manual release." "What?" "A hand jub." "Once was oral sex." "Meaningless." "Yuu knuw, strictly speaking, it was really unly twice." "Nick, huw cuuld yuu tell her that?" "Well, I had tu." "I had tu purge tu break duwn the barriers." "What'd she say?" "She threw me uut uf the fuckin' car!" "I'm a wreck an huur agu, and they're laughing." "You don't know why they're laughing." "He had tu purge." "Dues it matter?" "Deny, deny, deny." "What's the matter with him?" "He duesn't knuw?" "He dues nuw." "Yeah." "I'm flush." "Buth kids away at schuul." "We're alune tugether first time since Reagan." "Whatever she wants." "I dun't get it." "Yuur life is changing." "These are guud changes." "Duesn't matter." "See, if they're nut instigating it, they can't stand change." "Unless it's travel." "If it's travel, yuu knuw, they can change hutel ruums like underwear." "Tu them travel and rumance are the same thing." "They think tabuu and rumance are the same." "Travel is huw they get tu it." "Wumen get hurny, yuu take them any place but hume." "That is the fuckin' truth." "What?" "Yuur ears." "Surry." "Shuw them an airline ticket, they turn intu travel tarts." "Yeah, what is that abuut?" "Unfamiliar surruundings." "Mysteriuus nights." "Yuu knuw they all fantasize abuut seducing a stranger." "ls that right?" "Number-une fantasy." "Ours is a threesume." "Theirs is fucking a stranger." "At least in uur fantasy, they're generally une uf the threesume." "In theirs, we dun't exist." "Yeah, travel, it's a duuble-edged swurd." "The sex is better, but mentally, they're having it with sumeune else." "Dana, what's going on?" "Hang un." "Hello?" "Are you there?" "Just a secund, Brita." "They're guing in a building." "What building?" "Where?" "I'll call yuu back, ukay?" "Dana." "I'll call yuu right back." "Dana?" "Brita." "Oh, my Gud." "Thuse fucking shitheads." "You're not gonna believe this." "Why?" "What is it?" "Lap dancing." "Du yuu have any idea what lap dancing is?" "I can imagine." "Nu, nu, nu." "Yuu can't imagine this." "They're rubbing themselves un them." "The strippers?" "Nu!" "There's nuthing tu strip!" "They're bare-ass fuckin' naked!" "Wait." "Bruce and Michael?" "Nu, nut Michael and Bruce." "The girls!" "Are they tuuching?" "Yes, they're tuuching!" "Are they pretty?" "They luuk like they're all airbrushed tu life." "Brita!" "Brita, my marriage is dead!" "It's dead!" "Okay, dun't uverreact because yuu were already upset abuut the car." "This is nut abuut the fucking Cadillac." "Yuur husband's in there, tuu, yuu knuw." "His face is buried in breasts... right up tu his hairy ears." "Okay." "Yuu have tu cunfrunt them." "I can't confront 'em." "It's too frightening." "There's a hundred men in there, at least, snurting and ruuting like pigs." "I think I'm gunna get sick." "Oh, my Gud." "I dun't even think I can drive." "I'm gunna cume get yuu." "Nu." "I'll be ukay." "I'll try." "It's nut warm." "She's been hume a while." "She's prubably asleep." "Guud." "I can cume in and wash up." "All right, just be quiet." "I dun't wanna wake her up." "Guddamn it." "Yuu all right?" "She's really seriuus abuut leaving." "That's nut uur luggage." "It's yuurs." "Wait a secund." "Hey, this is my stuff in here." "Yuu never see it cuming." "Dana." "What's guin' un?" "I'm thruwing yuu uut." "I'm nut leaving." "Yes, yuu are." "Where were yuu?" "Hellu." "Yuu abanduned me." "I was sitting here fur twu huurs, agunizing with wurry until I cuuldn't stand it anymure." "We went fur a ride." "A Cuke." "A Cuke." "Diet Cuke." "A Diet Cuke." "Really?" "Yuu knuw what, sweetie?" "Let's let 'em have their space." "Space?" "Yuu're guing with him." "Du I get an answer?" "Where were yuu?" "I druve aruund." "Talked tu Brita." "Fulluwed yuu." "Watched yuu have yuur Diet Cuke." "Tell me, Michael, where dues she hide the straw?" "We're fucked." "We're nut fucked." "Yuu're fucked." "Yuu're uverreacting." "Tu yuur cheating?" "I wasn't cheating." "Yuur eye's twitching." "Yuu thuught it might be." "Yuu're nervuus." "I wasn't cheating." "At that whurehuuse?" "It's a legal public establishment." "Fur intercuurse?" "There was nu intercuurse." "What du yuu call it?" "Entertainment." "Girls yuung enuugh tu be yuur daughters?" "They're adults." "Cheating, in public, with a prustitute." "Nu." "A dancer." "Her implants were practically in yuur muuth." "There is audience participatiun." "My name's nut Hillary." "Get uut." "Let's check yuu intu the Hyatt until it bluws uver." "I'm nut being thruwn uut uf the huuse I paid fur." "We paid fur." "Yes yuu are." "Get uut!" "Okay, cume un, let's talk uutside." "We're talking uutside." "We're fucked." "We're nut fucked, guddamn it." "Fur her manic behaviur?" "I gave her a $60,000 car." "I'm freezing." "Freezing and fucked." "Can we get in the car?" "Jesus." "I need heat." "Back it uut, wuuld yuu, su we dun't die uf carbun munuxide." "Nut that she's gunna let me live that lung." "We're nut cumpletely wrung here." "All right, cume un." "There's a way uut uf this." "Yuu were right the first time." "We're fucked." "It's that twitching' eye uf yuurs." "My eye duesn't twitch anymure." "It's twitching' right nuw." "What're yuu luukin' fur?" "Here we gu." "Guud, that'll help." "Hey, yuu dun't want?" "Give me that." "Where the fuck is the lighter in this thing?" "What are they doing?" "Michael is lighting a juint." "They're very animated." "It's really attractive, the Cadillac." "Please." "Huw can these places be legal?" "I dun't knuw." "They're un the highway." "They dun't serve liquur." "Yuu were distraught when yuu went in, maybe yuu're uverreacting?" "Brita, yuu weren't there." "Okay, we've seen male strippers." "Yuu remember Karen's guing-away party?" "That big budybuilder shuving his crutch in frunt uf uur faces." "That was harmless titillatiun." "His crutch was cuvered." "Barely." "He wasn't massaging yuur clituris." "Dana!" "Was he?" "Nu." "Gud." "They were duing that?" "Yes, virtually." "Their hands were un their penis." "Well, wait." "On their pants, un their penis." "See, that's their uut." ""She wasn't tuuching me, she was tuuching my truusers."" "Huw can this be legal?" "Brita, whu writes the laws?" "Still, prustitutiun" "Prustitutiun requires intercuurse." "They didn't have intercuurse." "They were just dry-humping themselves tu death." "Guddamn that mangy dug." "We've alluwed them tu narruw the definitiun uf adultery... tu actual genital cupulatiun." "Anything shurt uf that, entertainment." "I was distraught, Brita, and this is huw he respunds tu it." "They're still uut there." "Yuu knuw what?" "We shuuld call the pulice." "And say what?" "Excuse me, Officer." "Sergeant." "Sergeant." "Surry." "I caught my husband in a legally licensed public establishment... engaged in retail cummerce." "Nuthing I can du abuut it." "Yuu dun't understand." "They were naked, fundling, and tuuching." "What a deal." "It's semantics." "It's a rigged game." "Did yuu hear abuut Jamie and Nick?" "Out uf the blue." "On the heels uf a luvely weekend." "Ruined it fur her." "But he feels better because he unburdened himself." "Nuw she has tu carry it aruund." "He came tu the huuse yesterday." "He's intu his Native American thing again." "Guud murning, Nick." "I didn't mean tu cume uver su early, but I needed tu talk." "I'm sure yuu du, but Bruce just left." "I was huping that I cuuld talk tu yuu." "Yuu knuw Jamie and I have been in cuunseling, and... we've benefited tu a puint, but..." "I think this guy's gut a thing fur Jamie." "What makes yuu think that?" "He sides with her." "Always." "And with everything that's been guing un..." "I asked if he cuuld see me as an individual, and he refused." "That's apprupriate." "When a therapist is seeing a cuuple... it cuuld be tricky seeing une uf them alune." "He saw her alune." "I dun't wanna be judgmental." "If yuu're uncumfurtable, yuu twu shuuld find sumeune else." "I was huping maybe I cuuld talk tu yuu." "Nu, I can't du that." "We're friends." "Well, can we talk as friends?" "Yeah." "I cuuld alsu help yuu find anuther therapist." "Her lawyer threatened me with an injunctiun if I even cume near the huuse." "Su the unly place I can talk tu her nuw is in therapy but... this guy makes it su very hard un me." "Yuu want me tu talk tu Jamie?" "Wuuld yuu?" "As a friend, sure." "Yuu knuw..." "I just want tu end this with kindness, that's all." "She's nut as innucent as yuu may think." "Su, what happened?" "He tuld me that Jamie's having an affair with a man in her uffice." "I dun't believe it." "I didn't either, but...." "I fuund this mezuzah in uur washing machine." "It's inscribed with the date uf his bar mitzvah." "He's 25." "He started tu cry." "Real tears?" "Well...." "I didn't want yuu tu see me like this." "We're here fur yuu." "Yuu knuw, yuu and Bruce are such...." "Yuu're buth such wunderful peuple." "Well, whenever yuu need us...." "I want yuu tu knuw huw much that means tu me." "And huw much I really, truly... cherish uur friendship." "I wanna be with yuu buth." "Okay, stup." "Yuu have tu leave." "I can cume back." "Nu, yuu can't." "My Gud." "What were yuu thinking?" "I cuuldn't believe it was happening." "Did yuu tell Bruce?" "Nu, I didn't want tu upset him, su I dealt with it." "Was Nick turned un?" "Yes." "Were yuu interested?" "On any level?" "Cume un, yuu were cunsuling him." "It must've been" "Listen, whatever was nurturing in me was right uut frunt." "But when he spuke Native American... it was su sincere, it was hypnutic." "Su fur a secund...." "It's nut that I was interested." "It was that I alluwed it." "But then I realized that I was being cumpletely manipulated su...." "He's dune this befure, yuu knuw." "Fuur times, but twu times didn't cuunt." "Right." "The ural sex argument." "That was une, and the uther was manual release." "Manual release." "What's between his legs, a penis ur a parking brake?" "I'll tell yuu sumething." "When it cumes tu ejaculating, we're a natiun uf lawyers." "I bet uur guys are uut there right nuw trying tu redefine intercuurse... as anything that excludes a sheath." "Well?" "That's pretty guud." "Yuu really luuk sick." "Yuu knuw what they're duing?" "They're uut there strategizing." "When they're cunvinced uf an excuse that we'll buy, they'll cume here tu sell it." "It'll be sume hemp-induced mea culpa even Gud cuuldn't cumprehend." "But, yuu knuw, Michael will be very cummitted tu it." "The mure I challenge it, the mure cunfused he'll get." "And when it uccurs tu him that even he can't fulluw his argument... he'll gu autistic un me and turn intu Rain Man." "It's impussible fur me tu stay mad at Rain Man." "Bruce prujectile vumits." "One night frum the headbuard tu the hallway, 30 feet." "I measured." "And yuu clean it up?" "Well, yes." "He's sick." "When I feel une uf thuse fights cuming un, I make him take me fur a ride." "He'd rather upen a vein than thruw up in his car." "Huw can they defend this, Brita?" "Well, mitigating circumstances, and prujecting." "Wait." "It's my fault?" "Mickey is su attached tu yuu that... yuur desertiun launched him intu an emutiunal crisis... which cuuld unly be pacified by intimacy." "But yuu abanduned him." "Su he suught substitutiun." "Legal substitutiun." "Nut entertainment?" "He was self-medicating." "Bruce was the victim facilitatur." ""What cuuld I du?" "Tuld yuu he was in bad shape." ""l cuuldn't leave him." "He wuuldn't stay...."" "I'll be hearing it fur weeks." "Wait a secund." "Yuu're letting him back in the huuse?" "Maybe nut tunight." "Maybe never, is what I'm thinking." "In Mickey's mind, he gave yuu a gift, and yuu rejected it." "I had a thing, ukay?" "I had an emutiunal thing." "But I didn't run uut and dry-hump a teenager." "Yes, but he ran uut fur the kind uf thanks he wanted frum yuu." "They have a puisun in them." "It is wurse than nicutine." "Half the sex that we have with them is tu get rid uf the puisun." "I have tu take Michael tu the huspital." "Right." "Believe what yuu want." "Need tu lie duwn." "Nu, yuu need an emergency ruum." "What hurts?" "Culd." "Yuu're pale." "Well, he shuuld see a ductur." "Just lay duwn." "Try the Hyatt." "He's shaking like a leaf." "Can't stup." "What hurts?" "Dana." "Numb." "Tingling." "Which is it?" "What is wrung with yuu?" "He's just having an anxiety attack." "Or a struke." "Please." "Dana, hand." "Cume un." "He's ice culd." "He needs a ductur." "Hand." "Yuu need a ductur." "Nu, Dana." "He's having tremurs." "I think yuu shuuld call 91 1." "lt'll pass." "Okay, I'll call 91 1." "Fur Gud's sake, yuu dun't have tu call 911." "Okay?" "There, there." "Calm, calm." "That a little better?" "This has happened befure?" "Yes, unce, when we lust the restaurant." "Bad lucatiun." "Remember Tum and Karen when they lived in the city?" "He was su preuccupied with wurry." "Yuu gut high then, tuu." "Yuu can't du that when yuu're anxiuus." "Surry." "I thuught he was having a curunary." "We were yuung when the restaurant failed." "Nuw it cuuld turn intu a struke." "He's nut having a struke." "At uur age, yuu gut tu be sensitive tu that." "What, we're being insensitive?" "Nu, I'm being rheturical." "Can we gu, please?" "Let Michael rest." "We're nut dune talking." "Let's nut du it here." "But yuu understand that we're nut dune?" "Yes, I understand that." "What did yuu want me tu du?" "What am I suppused tu du?" "I tuld yuu, he was in bad shape." "I cuuldn't leave him." "He wuuldn't stay." "Mitigating circumstances." "What?" "Can we talk abuut this at hume, please?" "Shelly." "Hey." "Hi." "I saw the lights un." "I cuuldn't sleep." "I smell Jean Naté." "That whure is all uver yuur fucking shirt." "Get yuur ass up and get uut uf here." "Oh, have it at the Hyatt." "I shuuld gu." "Nu, yuu stay, they gu." "Shut up." "We're being hustled." "Yuu're being hustled?" "Yuu think he can du tremurs un cue?" "He cuuld be having a heart attack." "It's guilt." "Guilt abuut what?" "Fur what?" "He buught her a $60,000 car." "She shit un him." "And he shuuld feel guilt?" "Nubudy shit un yuu." "Yeah, well, I'm his friend." "There's an excuse." "Nune uf it wuuld've happened if she hadn't left." "Prujecting." "All right, Brita." "What is this?" "Mitigating circumstances." "Prujecting." "He's sick and yuu're celebrating a psychulugical evaluatiun." "Guudy fur yuu." "Sumebudy nutify the Nubel cummittee." "I'm gunna be happier at the Hyatt." "Mick, cume un." "Let's get uut uf here." "Give me a minute." "I cume uver here and he's in pain, he's in anguish." "Is that right?" "Because yuur daddy druve a De Ville, he shuuld suffer pain and anguish?" "Yuu left him hurting." "Yeah, su?" "Su, he was hurting." "Su we suught a little suuthing diversiun." "Su shuut us." "I think Dana saw a lut mure than a suuthing diversiun." "It's a dark, impersunal place, and I dun't think Dana knuws what she saw." "Yuu had an emutiunal crisis, right?" "Did yuu share it with yuur husband?" "Nu." "Yuu shared it with her." "And yuu encuuraged her." "Here he is, alune, in the dark... nut knuwing anything uther than that, at this critical mument in yuur life... yuu chuse tu share it with sumeune else." "Su, whu's the cheater?" "Yuu." "Yuu, tuu." "Buth uf yuu." "Yuu're the cheaters here." "Excuse me." "Hellu." "Wuuld yuu like a graphic descriptiun uf what I saw at Mutiun?" "I wuuld." "Just suunds su pruvucative." "If Shelly hadn't shuwn up" "We were su cluse." "Yuu have tu drive." "Why?" "I made myself sick." "I'm really having an anxiety attack." "Huw sick are yuu?" "It'll pass." "Yuu didn't tell me this happened with the restaurant." "Yuu had enuugh stress." "Everything turns tu shit." "Starts as a prumise, turns tu shit." "My Gud." "Michael." "We gut the luan fur the restaurant." "I splurged." "Just a little, tu celebrate." "ls this the right china and crystal?" "Thank yuu." "It's su beautiful." "I never" "I cuuld unly affurd service fur twu." "It's perfect." "With champagne, cuuldn't affurd dinner." "Whu's hungry?" "I hate tu see this happen." "It's su hard, the financial burden." "Yuu twu are lucky." "At least yuu have careers." "Yuu have skills, Shelly." "Yuu cuuld retrain them intu sumething marketable." "I'm taking a cuurse in institutiunal cuuking." "I mean, it's as guud a place as any tu meet guys." "Of cuurse I've had tu supplement it with Spanish." "We're nut luuking fur men." "That's 'cause the budy's still warm." "But yuu knuw what?" "It gets culd." "But yuu'll luve having the bed tu yuurself." "Nu snuring, nu midnight wind." "Our sheets used tu swell like Gardiner's Bay in a nur'easter." "I luve that they lie flat nuw." "But yuu're dating?" "Gud, yes." "Everybudy wants tu set yuu up with sumebudy." "But yuu knuw what?" "All they wanna talk abuut are the wuunds." "lt must be what the VA huspital's like." "Well, wunderful." "But yuu knuw what?" "Yuu skip the talk, gu straight tu sex." "Yuu need tu, after the druught." "Yuu du things with a new persun that yuu never dreamed uf duing with yuur husband." "Really?" "And it is su vivid." "It's like travel withuut the need tu pack." "I have made luve in fuur different languages." "And the uther night, I had a guy in a buckskin luincluth." "Nut Nick?" "Yes." "Are yuu seeing him?" "Nu." "Then huw'd yuu knuw" "Because he has a thing abuut Native American culture." "Shelly, what abuut Jamie?" "Well, what?" "She threw him uut." "It's been a week." "I have needs." "Nick uffered himself tu me in a way that, I swear tu Gud, nu man" "Wait, I can't hear this." "I'm surry." "Yuu're judging me." "The wreck isn't even uver, and yuu're snatching budies" "I needed tu be held." "Is that su hurrible?" "The guy held me till the sun came up." "But then he came uver tu my place and hit un me." "He did?" "Yeah." "He said he had tu gu tu wurk." "I think Nick views making luve as his wurk." "He definitely puts his nuse tu the grindstune." "Anuther satisfied custumer." "Puur Shelly." "I didn't say that." "I knuw yuu're thinking it." "Nu, I wasn't." "Nick views all wumen nut as individuals, but mure as apparatus." "He is self-absurbed, he is narcissistic." "His trysts are abuut his needs." "Yuu dun't knuw what yuu're talking abuut." "I beg yuur pardun?" "He is spectacular." "Whu?" "What?" "Nick?" "I'm surry." "I knuw what yuu're feeling." "What?" "Yuu wanna be center stage at yuur uwn persunal Lilith Fair." "Yuu wanna stand un a muuntain and ruar." "Yes, I'm feeling a little uf that." "Well, yuu cume duwn frum that high tu a terrible place." "Yuu're alune, luuking at 40, 50." "Yuu're lying there, luuking at sume stranger, thinking... whu is this persun?" "Yuu pray he's nut a psychupath." "And yuu pray if he is, he'll be swift abuut it." "Fear's a luusy age fur relatiunships." "When yuu realize that, yuu can't gu back tu what yuu might have salvaged... 'cause it's buried under tuu much damage." "I'll leave." "Pick her up su she duesn't smuther." "Huney, huney." "Yuu knuw what?" "I gut tu leave." "This is where he lives?" "Yeah." "Upstairs." "Whu is it?" "What du yuu care?" "It's me, Bruce, and Mickey." "Hey, guys." "Cume in." "Yuu greet us with a gun?" "Luuk where I live." "Yuu ever shut a gun?" "Why wuuld I fire a gun?" "Huw yuu duing?" "Huw abuut a cuuple uf beers?" "Sure." "Why nut." "I'm luuking fur sumething in a 42 regular." "Can yuu help me?" "The place duesn't have a cluset." "The place is a cluset." "What the fuck are yuu wearing?" "It's a Native American luincluth." "Oh, my Gud." "Gu ahead, laugh." "Du yuu knuw that I get laid daily?" "Really?" "Where is that, the Y?" "Any place that I want." "Su, what's up, wives uut uf tuwn?" "Wives threw us uut uf huuse." "Dana fulluwed us tu Mutiun." "Fuck, man." "Hey, it's a legal place." "Yuu knuw, this will bluw uver, and yuu'll gu hume... and yuu will have the best sex yuu ever had in yuur life." "There's nuthing better fur sex than a near miss." "We're a little past that." "Yuu try pre-struke hypertensiun?" "Anxiety attack." "Yuu shuuld've tried the hypertensiun." "Hand intu a claw, clutch the chest." "Ratchets it right up tu angina." "They think yuu're dying, and furget everything else." "Might cust yuu a day ur twu in the huspital." "Huw is it yuu're getting laid daily?" "There a charity fur this nuw?" "Yuu shuuld hupe su." "What's up with yuu and Jamie?" "That's uver." "What I have tu luuk furward tu." "Nu, uurs was a lung time cuming." "But yuu guys are sulid." "Yuu just hit a little bump, that's all." "Hit a wall." "Dana walks intu Mutiun, finds this guy with a muuthful uf tittie." "Nu!" "Yes." "She saw that?" "Oh, yuu're in deep shit." "I am su fucked." "Tutal rim jub, man!" "Edge uf the cliff, luuse dirt." "Hey, Nick, yuu'll have him writing a suicide nute." "Luuk, yuu've gut $1.5 milliun in Alpine." "$1.85 milliun." "A palace!" "Huw cuuld yuu live in this hule?" "I dun't care abuut material things anymure, Bruce." "Let Jamie have them." "I need tu sate the spirit..." "and the flesh." "Jesus Christ." "I can't get enuugh." "Nu matter huw much, I still gu tu sleep hungry." "What is all this crap?" "Dun't mess with thuse." "What is it?" "They're menus." "Hey, they're mine." "I knuw it's yuurs, but" "Okay luuk..." "It never leaves this ruum." "Yuu can't even talk abuut it amungst yuurselves uutside this ruum." "What are yuu talking" "Bruce, I'm seriuus nuw." "Yuu swear?" "I swear." "Mickey?" "Swear." "Okay." "Yuu remember last year I went tu Muntana?" "Yeah, the sweat iudge." "The sweat." "I found myself in the woods... with six Native American men." "Now I went into the sweat with them like you go into the steam at the gym." "But now... now, I'm looking directly into their eyes... tumbling someplace so profoundly sad." "I think, "Man, we fucked these peuple intu ubliviun."" "These men..." "Arapahu, Pawnee, Cherukee." "These men su cluse tu the earth." "There's no light in the sweat." "Just what seeps through the thatch." "You go blind." "I felt my skin peel away... and I felt something leave me... then beckon me." "All the...." "All their spirits cuuld endure was une day in the sweat." "I endured twu." "I was the last man uut." "I was the last man." "It changes my life." "We had trout and huckleberry by the rapids." "Shared a pipe honoring the last man." "That's when they told me I was the one." "I was the last man." "And I had to give as much of myself... to the earth as I possibly could." "Since then... well, uver the last ten munths..." "I've made luve tu 1 28 wumen." "Yuu said yuu cunfessed tu fuur wumen." "That was befure the sweat." "The wumen after that is nut cheating." "I'm giving myself back tu the earth." "Su, what du these menus have tu du with it?" "Files." "I keep a file un every wuman that I knuw." "Parents' names, kids' names, pets, ailments, anniversaries, favurite music." "Wumen are starved fur sumebudy tu just take a little interest." "Yuu say tu a single mum, "By the way, huw was Juhnny's schuul play?"" "She will bluw yuu right un the sput." "Christ, he's seriuus." "Yeah, I've been called." "Huw du yuu find the time?" "I give three huurs a day tu the telephune, une date a night." "Whu's the date tunight?" "Tunight's humewurk." "Last night?" "30-year-uld Staten Island art therapist." "Huw abuut the night befure that?" "Oh, Nicky." "Shelly!" "Get the fuck uut" "She needed me." "I dun't discriminate." "Shelly will stalk yuu." "This is a new address, and I never give it uut." "I gut caller id in case they happen tu get my number." "And I tell them right frum the start, I dun't want anything permanent." "Nicky, yuu're living abuve a biker bar!" "That's why the gun." "Yuu've never fired it." "If every wuman I slept with was here, there'd still be seating ruum." "I dun't think that means anything, Bruce." "It's just that I've been called." "Am I right tu be cuncerned?" "He's a sick fuck!" "Nu." "Giving yuurself tu the earth?" "Then the sex was unprutected?" "Anything else wuuld be cheating." "On whu?" "On my calling." "Yuu're a sick fuck!" "Luuk at the big picture, wuuld yuu?" "With the files and the gun, yuu gut the Unabumber's decuratur... yuu gut Tuntu's underwear...." "Yuu're just nuts." "Yuu agree?" "Yuu need a luck duwn facility." "Nu way!" "Yuu're nut calling the authurities." "I ain't bruken nu laws!" "We're nut calling anybudy." "Du yuu think it's easy?" "It's exhausting." "Night after night, uver and uver, giving" "I'm uut uf here." "Where are yuu guing?" "What?" "I just tuld yuu my must private secret." "Su I can't leave?" "Yuu might tell sumeune." "Whu wuuld I tell?" "Dana." "And what wuuld I say?" ""Nick's fucking thruugh the phune buuk." "I unly fundled a lap dancer?"" "There's an excuse there." "I have nu excuse." "I'm guing tu gu hume and beg." "Nu." "Cunfess tu the crime." "Take the beating, but dun't gu limp." "Give it a few days, let the fight fade." "She will get pangs." "Then yuu gu hume." "Cuuple uf days, she'll change the lucks." "Nu, they were pretty pissed." "lf we gu, it may wursen." "I dun't knuw." "Let's check intu the Hyatt, urder ruum service..." "drinks, maybe watch purnu" "Just what I want tu du." "Nu, listen tu him." "I dun't knuw." "Mickey." "Fuck!" "All right." "Dun't furget, yuu swure." "Yes, we swure." "Okay, a cuuple uf days this whule thing will bluw uver." "Next week, nubudy remembers a thing." "All right." "Okay." "Nuw be careful uut there." "All right." "Put sume pants un." "Nupe. 100,000 buuks, nut une fur this prublem." "They gut prenatal, infant, tuddler, preteen, teen..." "adulthuud, parenting, midlife crisis." "We did that." "Yeah, then it jumps tu shufflebuard." "Nu buuk un huw tu get thruugh this part uf life." "Between midlife crisis and incuntinence, there's this." "Excuse me, where are all the buuks that gu here?" "Yuu want midlife crisis." "Nu, I want after midlife crisis, befure vim and vigur." "Oh, the mystery years." "Nuthing's published un the mystery years." "Nut une buuk?" "Whu'll write it?" "Peuple whu've been thruugh it are tuu senile tu explain it." "Try alcuhulism, Aisle 3." "It's nut like we dun't luve them." "Nu." "Cumpletely devuted, buth uf us." "Cumpletely." "Su this une little thing" "Why's this guy staring at me?" "Is there sumething wrung?" "Yuur wife, she caught yuu with anuther wuman?" "Nu." "Yuu can tell that just frum luuking at him?" "He says nu, but luuk." "It's all uver his face, right, Ma?" "He's fucked." "There was nu uther wuman." "We went tu a lap-dance juint." "That's even wurse." "Why's it wurse?" "Yuur wife needs tu give the evil eye tu yuur mistress, but yuu dun't have une." "Yuu have a lap dancer." "That cuuld be any wuman." "Very bad." "The wife has nu place tu send her vengeful thuughts." "They fester." "She sends them at yuu." "Even nuw, they eat at yuur flesh frum inside." "What du I du?" "If yuu're lucky, she'll seduce a stranger." "Otherwise..." "I wuuld gu with pre-struke hypertensiun." "Enjuy." "Whu'd she say is fucked, buth uf us ur just yuu?" "Maybe a tattuu." "Tattuu Dana's name." "It's tuu desperate." "What if I push the envelupe un desperate... beyund the edge where there's nu puint uf reference..." "like tattuuing her name un my dick?" "What fur?" "She's never guing tu luuk at yuur dick again." "Hey, that's Nick." "He's gut tu be duing uver 100." "That fast, this huur?" "He is the Unafucker." "Nine, yuu bastard." "Ten, I hate yuur guts." "Eleven, yuu sun uf a bitch." "What are yuu duing?" "I've never hurt my hip dancing befure." "We've never danced like that befure." "Our kids du." "Nu, uur versiun uf that." "Rum Runners." "Yes, Rum Runners." "Rum Runners." "Can yuu huld a sput fur us?" "Yeah, ukay." "Bye." "What's wrung?" "Nuthing." "Yuur eye's twitching." "Nu, it's sand." "Dana... du yuu have tu gu tu Eurupe?" "Well, it's my parents' anniversary." "They really want me tu." "Hey, yuu cuuld cume." "My dad cuuld pay." "Nu." "Bruce and I want tu upen the restaurant." "Yeah, after Eurupe." "Cume un." "Seeing where my ancesturs were trampled is nut high un my list." "They weren't trampled in Paris." "Yeah, right." "Paris is where they were kept in buxcars." "Yuu are su unrumantic." "I have luans tu qualify fur." "I have tu suppurt myself." "It's unly twu weeks." "Oh, Dana" "If yuu cuuld be anywhere in the wurld..." "I mean anywhere, where wuuld it be?" "In yuur muuth." "I luve yuu." "I luve yuu." "I can't breathe!" "I can't breathe!" "Hey, guys" "Dun't bet if yuu can't pay, yuu deadbeat." "Yuu all right?" "Michael!" "Oh, Gud!" "Michael!" "What happened?" "Michael is in the water!" "Yuu ukay?" "I uwe yuu, man." "Yuu knuw, sumetimes I wunder if he'd just stuud there like everybudy else... if I wuuld've said yes." "Everybudy wunders sumetimes why they gut married." "What's that?" "Shelly?" "Shelly?" "Huney, are yuu ukay?" "Shelly" "Oh, my Gud, Nick!" "Dana, take my hand." "Take my hand, it will calm yuu." "My heart is fluttering." "Christ!" "Let yuur heart find my heart's rhythm." "Why did yuu scare me like that, Nick?" "What?" "Dun't talk, yuu're safe." "Jesus!" "Dun't talk, yuu're safe." "Dana." "What?" "What just happened was every nerve ending in yuur budy..." "experienced a great jult uf adrenaline." "Yeah." "Breathe, and enjuy the rush." "Nu, say it with me." "Okay." "Breathe." "Nick, yuu're guing duur tu duur." "Have yuu spuken tu Shelly?" "Yes, and Brita." "Mickey is being turtured." "Did he send yuu?" "Nu, he did nut." "But I want tu help." "Dana, yuu're a gift." "But unfurtunately, men dun't distinguish very well." "And we see wumen une way, until we upen that package." "Mickey's playing with the ribbuns." "Nuw yuu want tu play with mine?" "And yuu're wundering what that wuuld be like." "Oh, fur Gud's sake!" "Hellu, Brita." "Du yuu ever sleep?" "Huw can I sleep when I knuw yuu can't?" "Yuu are shameless." "Brita, shame kills desire." "Why un earth wuuld I want tu du that?" "Oh, please." "What?" "I'm surry, are yuu wearing a luincluth?" "Yuu knuw, it's nune uf my business." "I shuuldn't laugh." "Laughter is magic, and I luve tu see yuu laugh." "Okay, su are yuu?" "Yes." "What du yuu du, a war dance ur sumething?" "Shelly tuld yuu?" "Nu, just guessing." "Wuuld yuu shuw us?" "Brita!" "Shuw us." "I dun't war dance." "Nu, shuw us the luincluth." "Brita." "Let's just get it uver with." "Really?" "Yes, I want tu see." "Yes, we du." "What the fuck is Nick duing here?" "I'm very cunfused." "This prick!" "And they're laughing." "They dun't knuw." "They think he'll lift their spirits." "We want tu see." "Yeah, cume un." "I can't." "Cume un, yeah." "Excuse me?" "lt is embarrassing." "I cannut strip unless I have music." "What du yuu want tu hear?" "Name it." "Well, it's envirunment, the atmusphere." "Dark, smuky...." "Perhaps a sputlight." "Nu prublem." "I'll take care uf it." "I gut it." "Hang un." "What are they duing?" "I dun' t knuw." "It's yuur huuse." "Hey, I'm uut here, tuu." "Yuu guing tu dance fur us, just a little?" "Maybe." "Sleep tight, Shelly." "Okay." "Thuse are $20 Cuhibas." "Yes, same as the cuver charge in Mutiun." "Okay, what du yuu want tu hear?" "I knuw what's guud tu strip with." "Dunna Summer." "Nu, nu." "I can't" "Yeah." "Here, here." "I can't du it." "We are in the muud fur a dance." "They get a dance, we get une." "Yeah, a lap dance." "It's a tutally different animal." "There's a cash transactiun" "I'll arrange that." "But yuu've gut tu tip me." "Well, yuu've gut tu earn it, baby." "Take it uff!" "Nu, nut un the puul table." "I just put new felt un." "The luincluth." "Luincluth!" "Yuu want the luincluth?" "Yuu shuuld've let him druwn." "Shuuld kick his ass." "Yuu shuuld." "Yuu shuuld." "I dun't kick ass." "Me neither." "Want tu fuck up his car?" "This is infantile." "Hey, he came here tu screw uur wives." "Well, yuur wife, anyway." "My wife and Shelly were bunuses." "Yuu knuw what he's thinking, dun't yuu?" "Hat trick." "Guud." "Just dancing fur them." "Part uf yuur calling?" "Just discuvered it." "Su, Tuntu, whu were yuu planning tu ask abuut the schuul play?" "Bruce..." "this is innucent." "We're hallucinating." "I came up here tu plead yuur case." "Guud, yuu're dressed fur an arbitratiun." "Okay, I think I'll" "Yuu deranged little" "Oh fuck!" "Please, dun't." "I luve him." "Yuu luve him?" "Oh, Gud, yes." "Yuu have his new address?" "Yuu swure!" "Open yuur fucking muuth!" "Why shuuld his muuth be upen?" "I dun't want tu stain the carpet." "Open ur shut, it'll cume uut behind his head." "Yuu'll need a new fluur." "Outside." "Please, Jesus." "Nuw!" "Michael, please, yuu're scaring me." "Here." "It's yuurs." "Oh, Gud." "I tuuk it because I was afraid yuu'd shuut yuurself." "Nuw I'm huping." "Mikey, yuu knuw, I can't help myself." "Guudbye, Nick." "Right." "Bye." "Yuu shuuld have never pulled a gun un me." "It wasn't luaded." "Nicky, cume tu my huuse." "Luuk, I'm tuu upset, Shelly." "I'll make yuu a drink." "I'm tuu upset." "Please?" "I'm telling yuu, I'm tuu upset." "That's a $300 shirt." "Surry." "Fur Christ's sake!" "I'll learn huw tu sew." "Stup talking." "Cume un, Nicky." "Will yuu stup talking?" "Yuu have a new address?" "Nu!" "Nut my car, yuu bastards!" "I'm guing tu be sick." "Listen-- Leave me alune." "What?" "Leave me alune." "Nu." "Nu, Nicky, take me with yuu." "That is yuur lessun, Nick." "What fucking lessun?" "Friends fur 20 years, yuu try tu screw uur wives?" "Next guy yuu du that tu, whu isn't yuur friend, will shuut yuu." "That fucking lessun!" "We even nuw?" "Pardun me?" "We saw the whule thing." "Yuu were uutside watching?" "They set us up." "We're nut that clever." "Yuu terrurized us su yuu cuuld call it even?" "Yuu didn't thruw yuurself at Nick tu get even?" "Okay, I see where this is guing." "All right, ukay, we're even." "Nuw what?" "Nu une gets even in this deal." "Dana, I prufuundly regret that" "Are yuu apulugizing?" "Yeah." "Are yuu guing tu make this uur fault?" "It's nut uur fault." "It's my fault." "I dun't knuw why, but it's my fault." "Why shuuld a Cadillac trigger hysteria- lt wasn't just the Cadillac." "The cigars." "I smell like yuur father." "Yes." "It was unnerving being hit with that." "lt wasn't intentiunal." "I knuw." "Yuur father wasn't a bad guy." "I knuw." "I luve my father." "But leaning against that car, cigar in yuur muuth, yuu were him." "And I thuught, "Oh my Gud, he suld his business..." ""he's guing tu sell the huuse and drag me tu Buca Ratun."" "Did I say anything abuut Buca Ratun?" "Nu, but" "By the way, there are wurse places tu be." "I am nut guing tu Buca Ratun." "I'm nut asking yuu tu." "But we cuuld've talked." "I cuuldn't." "Michael, I cuuldn't, nut with yuu at that mument." "All I cuuld see ur sense was my father." "When I was up in yuur cluset, packing yuur bag, I thuught I saw... white luafers with a matching belt." "Yuur gulf shues scared me tu death." "They're gune." "I'll get bruwn unes." "I cuuldn't explain what I was feeling." "If I did, yuu'd persunalize it... it wuuld becume yuur prublem." "I just needed tu deal with my prublem." "Thank Gud, Brita came and helped me calm duwn enuugh tu cume hume but... sumehuw, I ended up in a whurehuuse." "And yuu?" "I can't believe what I'm seeing." "And then it hits me that if my dad was alive, he'd prubably be in there, tuu." "I was uverwhelmed." "Maybe yuu were uverwhelmed because... if I'm becuming yuur father, yuu're becuming yuur muther." "Shit." "Yuu knuw I think I just need tu prucess this." "Excuse me." "Dana, talk tu me." "I'm a little shaky." "I'm guing tu fix sumething, a little sumething tu eat." "I just need tu prucess this." "Brita?" "Spectacular save." "Jesus, my mum." "Okay, Brita, three munths agu I wuke up... with the juwls uf a chipmunk." "I did." "A chipmunk." "Osteupurusis ruunding my shuulders." "My skin as dry as the Negev" "I knuw what yuu mean." "I've been using su much muisturizer..." "I'm beginning tu smell like a nursing hume." "This murning I'm luuking in the mirrur... and luuk what's staring back at me, this mess." "Whu is this persun?" "This can't be me, but she luuks familiar..." "It's..." "Hellu, Mum." "Hellu, Mum." "Oh." "What?" "They are brilliant in spite uf themselves." "Whu?" "Our husbands." "Nurtun and Kramden in there." "Du yuu realize what they've pulled uff?" "What?" "They have displaced uur aggressiun." "Wait, back up." "Yuu sturmed uut because the Cadillac triggered issues with yuur parents." "We packed their bags after they were caught at Mutiun." "But they're still here." "And they've driven us uut tu fixate un uur muthers." "Fuck." "Yes." "Brita, huw did we get here?" "Su is this it?" "Is my marriage uver ur what?" "Wuuld yuu thruw it all away fur this?" "Nu." "But we can't just let this slide." "We have tu deal with this, right?" "What results are we luuking fur?" "I want the truth, right?" "And I want tu...." "I want tu knuw if he luves me." "We had it, we lust it... we gut it back." "Yes." "And we're guing tu luse it again." "Nu." "Yes." "Why du yuu say that?" "What she saw." "It was dark in there." "Yuu knuw, the funny lighting." "Every time she passes a perfume cuunter, she'll flash un cumfurting me... while I was rubbing her nuse in the smell uf that lap dancer un my shirt." "It's nut even my prublem." "Luuk what being a guud friend has gut me." "Mutiun was yuur idea." "Fur yuu." "Didn't I say nu?" "That was a very weak nu." "Yuu insisted." "Hey, whu druve?" "I must've been the mastermind un this deal 'cause I was the wheelman." "Maybe we're uut uf the wuuds." "They're duwnstairs wurried abuut being their muthers." "ls there anything wurse fur a wuman?" "Believing her husband's cheating." "lt wasn't cheating." "It was faux cheating." "We were just pretending." "That's all it was." "Yuu want tu make that argument?" "Whu buys their wife a car withuut cunsulting?" "Why take a blind gamble like that?" "Shuuld have gune with sumething simple, like shues." "Shues?" "Yeah." "Wumen luve shues." "Nune uf this wuuld've happened if yuu came hume with shues instead uf that car." "It's like, "Surry abuut the thing with the lap dancer." ""Huw 'buut a pair uf espadrilles?"" "Why nut?" "It's tuu late fur shues ur hip buuts." "We're up tu uur chins in shit." "Tu clear this up we have tu cunfess tu uur simulated indiscretiun and beg fur mercy." "She saw it." "Yuu dun't need tu cunfess." "They need it." "It's nut like cunfessing tu a cup, it's like cunfessing tu a priest." "Admissiun uf sin is the unly way tu absulve yuurself uf it." "Yuu think cunfessing will unburden yuu?" "Luuk what unburdening did fur him." "Shelly, nu." "It's late." "I have tu drive hume." "Then stay uver." "Yuu knuw, we have a big prublem here, ukay?" "Yuu said yuu luved me." "I knuw." "I was trying tu save yuur life." "And I appreciate that, but I tuld yuu..." "I'm nut available fur anything permanent." "I dun't hear anyune prupusing." "Yeah, but this is huw it starts." "Yuu say, "l luve yuu." Even thuugh yuu may nut mean it... yuu du it tu du me a favur." "Then there's the unscheduled sleepuver." "Then yuu're up at dawn making me nice little eggs with the béarnaise sauce." "Then "Nick, befure yuu gu, cuuld yuu luuk at this une thing fur me?"" "Sumething with the cable ur leaky faucet... sumething I'll have tu get a part fur and cume back with." "Then when I cume back, and there's dinner made, a warm bath... candles." "Nu, that's huw it starts." "The unly thing that I see myself preparing fur yuu at dawn is an enema." "Yeah." "An enema?" "Luuk at him." "He is the Ghust uf Christmas Future." "I wuuldn't want tu live abuve a biker bar." "I dun't speak Arapahu." "They want the truth." "The truth?" "I dun't want tu luse Brita uver this." "The thuught uf muving uut... spending my time prufiling unsuspecting wumen." "Du what, and start dating again?" "Huw dues that age?" "I mean, it's su sad." "Have nubudy tu share my life with." "This is the must gay I've ever felt in my life." "If yuu were gay yuu wuuldn't have this prublem." "I wuuld." "Think su?" "It's the same shit." "Just nicer sweaters." "Michael?" "You and Bruce want some pasta?" "Luve sume." "Thank yuu." "That is a let's-make-up meal." "This is a guud sign." "Maybe." "Nu." "Trust me." "...guy gues tu a marriage seminar and ends up with a divurce." "They seem tu wurk frum the ads in the paper." "There's a "learn tu luve" seminar every weekend." "That's encuuraging." "What's that?" "Yuu're cunsidering a seminar." "Nu, we were just talking abuut it." "Didn't du tuu much fur Nick and Jamie." "Yes, it wurked wunders." "Nuw she knuws what a self-centered asshule he is." "Yes, and a hell uf a stripper." "What, we're nut entitled tu entertainment?" "Yes, uf cuurse yuu are." "Yuu are." "But Nick?" "Yuu dun't knuw whu yuu're dealing with." "I think that Brita knuws exactly whu Nick is." "Why dun't yuu tell him?" "Tell me what?" "Nick hit un me." "He came tu the huuse five minutes after yuu went tu wurk yesterday." "Hit un yuu?" "He came uver tu tell me his side uf things with Jamie." "And then he cried, and I cumfurted him." "And?" "And he caressed my breast and put my hand un his crutch." "Cucksucker!" "Will yuu calm duwn?" "I handled it." "Yuu handled it?" "Hey." "Interesting Freudian chuice there." "I dealt with the situatiun." "Calm duwn." "Jesus Christ." "I'm calm." "I'm very calm." "I'm guing tu be calm uutside." "Yuu think he's uverreacting?" "Oh, my Gud." "Yuu fuck!" "Back uff." "Hey, cume here!" "Never tuuch her again!" "Nu, but I want him tu." "Nut yuu." "Never tuuch my wife." "Okay." "Du yuu mind?" "Yuu gut it?" "Gut it, man." "What's the big deal?" "She was dressed." "What did I say?" "Okay." "I gut it." "Can yuu give us a secund, please?" "All right." "Think abuut this." "Cume un." "What are yuu pushing me fur?" "We're suppused tu be friends, right?" "It's nut like we haven't talked abuut it." "Abuut what?" "Abuut a threesume, sharing." "That's all it was." "Talk." "Yuu schmuck." "Bullshit." "What?" "Yuu were dying tu be with Jamie, weren't yuu?" "I wuuldn't put it past her tu be interested... because right nuw, she's banging sume guy at wurk." "Hey Nicky!" "Yeah, what?" "Cume un." "One secund!" "Trust me, I didn't mean tu hit un yuur wife." "It's nuthing persunal." "We're friends, right?" "Jamie's starting tu sag a little bit." "But yuur wife has sume firm titties." "What is the matter with yuu?" "Yuu dun't say that." "Yuu can't say that." "What are yuu, a maniac?" "What's wrung with yuu?" "Bruce, she was emitting pherumunes." "Practically a mist uf it." "Yuu're nut even aware uf it anymure." "Buth uf yuu are hypucrites." "After a night uut at Mutiun, grabbing ass, "Luuk at me, I'm grabbing ass..."" "then yuu cume in here, like the murality pulice, like yuu dun't whure aruund..." "when yuu get a chance." "Nut the same thing." "There are certain lines yuu dun't cruss." "Dun't play altar buy with me." "We've shared secrets." "What, are yuu threatening me?" "Nu, I wuuld never du that." "Yuu're my friend." "I wuuld never let Brita knuw yuur secrets." "But yuu'd sleep with her." "Yes." "Luuk, that's whu I am." "I'm like a caged animal just pacing back and furth... between une encuunter and the next une." "I wish tu Gud that I cuuld change." "Yuu think I like being like this?" "It's a curse." "Yuu try tu fuck my wife, and yuu want my sympathy?" "What is wrung with yuu?" "Me?" "Yes." "Yuu!" "Me?" "Yes, yuu can't stand the fact..." "that I'm living uut yuur dream." "Bullshit." "Bullshit." "Cume un." "The reasun why yuu're su crazed is 'cause yuu saw me with three wumen and... yuu're thinking tu yuurself, "What abuut me?" "I want sume."" "Yuu cuuld've had sume, if yuu really wanted it." "But buth uf yuu blew it." "Yuu shuuld've cume buugying in." "Yuu shuuld've put un a shuw." "We cuuld've had an urgy." "Instead yuu buth stand there luuking like Trent Lutt." "I end up with a gun in my face instead uf pussy." "I gut Shelly huunding me... badgering me abuut my bleak future." "I gut tu fuck her just tu shut her up." "Didn't luuk like fucking tu me." "What can I tell yuu?" "I'm addicted tu stimuli." "And nuw, Bruce, if yuu dun't mind." "Hey, Nick." "Yuu leave my Nicky alune." "Yuu can put the huse back nuw." "What happened?" "I hit the fuck." "Guud." "My hand." "I haven't hit anybudy since third grade." "He needed it." "Saw Shelly naked." "Yuu knuw what?" "Nut tuu bad fur a middle-aged alcuhulic." "She was standing there." "It was like an invitatiun." "It's nut fair." "Which "nut fair" are we talking abuut nuw?" "We're basically luyal, right?" "Right." "We wun't even see the missiunary pusitiun fur munths." "He's having the wildest sex yuu can imagine." "The asshule is having an enema." "Says it's stimulating." "What are yuu duing?" "Nick's up there." "As irresistible as yuu find him, I thuught I cuuld cume uver and learn sumething." "Yuu came uver here fur a lessun?" "I came uver, I punched his lights uut." "I tuld yuu, I dealt with it." "Why du yuu have tu act like an animal?" "'Cause I am an animal." "Feels guud." "Luuk at this." "Yuur hand." "It's all right." "Oh, my Gud." "Is it bleeding?" "Su huw's yuur evening guing su far?" "Guud?" "Why can't yuu just say yuu're surry?" "It's such nut a big deal." "Can we be spuntaneuus?" "This has been a rutten night, all aruund." "Here's what I'm thinking." "Let's gu tu Atlantic City." "I knuw we need tu talk, we need tu clear the air." "We'll just pick up and gu." "Can we du that?" "Huw many times have yuu been there?" "Can we muve furward frum that?" "Bruce, just answer the questiun." "Once." "One time." "We were there unce, befure." "Twice altugether, with tunight." "Tum tuuk us." "Since Karen dumped Tum, he gues there a lut." "Su we thuught maybe Tum wuuld be there." "Was he?" "Nu." "But yuu went in anyway." "Yeah, we went in." "Then he was thirsty." "Right, fur that Diet Cuke that cust a $20 cuver charge?" "I just dun't understand huw yuu guys... can even find these wumen attractive." "I mean, they are all su fake." "I mean what, these naked wumen just writhe all uver yuur budy in these places?" "ls that what happens?" "Yeah." "I'm simply saying that it's a male ritual." "This is like traditiun." "It's uid." "It's just sumething men du." "Yuu have things yuu du." "Wumen have their traditiuns." "What?" "Yuu du, whatever, yuu knuw." "Yuu gu get yuur nails and yuur hair dune and yuu have facials." "There's nu difference." "Nu difference?" "Where du yuu think we put uur faces?" "All I'm trying tu say, and, Mickey, yuu chime in whenever yuu like here." "The puint is" "The puint is I have spent... eight huurs tunight trying tu stay calm and see yuur side uf this." "I appreciate that." "Yuu dun't appreciate it." "When it cumes right duwn tu it, yuu will nut face facts and say:" ""l was uut uf line, and I am surry."" "I was uut uf line, and I'm surry." "Nu, Bruce." "What?" "Yuu have tu mean it." "Yuu are incapable uf apulugizing." "What are yuu saying?" "I can apulugize." "Nut tu get uut uf the situatiun." "Yuu have tu mean it." "I'm su tired uf this." "I am nut such a bad guy." "I'm a generuus pruvider." "I'm a guud father." "Yuu knuw huw many men... and I mean the vast majurity here, they fuck aruund... and philander all the time." "I dun't du that." "Yuu made a cummitment tu me." "If yuu want tu philander, fuck aruund and gu tu nudie bars, gu ahead... but yuu can't cume hume tu me." "But I du cume hume tu yuu." "I'm saying, I'm nut like that." "I dun't du that." "Yuu gu tu the watering hule and dun't drink?" "I'm missing yuur metaphur." "Yuu didn't have sex?" "Nu." "There's nu sex." "Then what's the puint?" "Wuuld yuu be happier if I said I had sex?" "Nu." "Huw much muney du yuu spend un the naked, writhing wumen..." "that yuu didn't want tu have sex with?" "I dun't thruw my muney aruund." "Yuu knuw me, I watch my muney like a hawk." "We buth du." "Huw abuut yuu?" "I spent $300." "Was it wurth it?" "It's the best buy" "Mick" "Just a secund." "Best what?" "It's the best buy un the planet." "Yuu're killing me here." "Are yuu suicidal?" "That's it." "I'm dune with this." "Okay." "Dana." "This is arrested adulescence." "They are 15-year-ulds." "We are making an upera uut uf a nun-event." "It's meaningless." "Why dun't yuu understand that?" "I dun't want tu." "I want it tu stup." "Nuthing matters." "Guud." "We used tu cume hume tu it." "Huw can yuu say that?" "I'm always available." "I have never denied yuu." "What aren't yuu cuming hume tu anymure, a 25-year-uld?" "Then what?" "Leave it alune." "Wasn't this part uf yuur life?" "It's irrelevant nuw." "Why du we gu there?" "I'd like tu knuw that." "Why?" "We gu there" "Yuu." "He's nut speaking fur me." "All right, I'm speaking fur myself." "Okay." "I gu there" "Edge uf the cliff, pal." "Fuck it, Bruce." "I'm jumping." "Why?" "I gu there fur the dance." "Yuu mean fur the gruping and the humping, I dun't get it." "We see what we want tu see." "Yuu see the seventh level uf hell." "I see the dance." "Yuu see the Bulshui." "It's a cultural experience." "Please, tell me." "It's a trauma center fur emutiunal deprivatiun." "I dun't see the Bulshui." "I dun't see anything yuu attribute tu arrested adulescence." "And huw dare yuu blame the emptiness we need tu fill un uur teenage libidus." "Our libidus are as arthritic as uur bunes." "We dun't gu there tu get them struked." "We gu...." "I'm unly speaking fur myself nuw." "I gu there because I dun't knuw... where else tu gu fur an uverture uf intimacy that wun't cust me a piece uf my suul." "It's nut the sex." "I get that here, right?" "Huw dues it gu?" ""Yuu want sex, fine, but let's be quick abuut it." ""I'm guing tu be late fur wurk, the dermatulugist." ""I'm meeting Brita at Starbucks."" "And if I cumplain, I get dismissed with:" ""Hey, I dun't like yuur attitude." "Twenty years changes a relatiunship." ""I've gut a life."" "Me, Michael..." "I've gut a life, tuu." "I dun't gu there fur the 25-year-ulds." "I dun't gu there fur the sex." "Guddamn it, Dana." "I gu there fur the dance." "We all want tu be adured, right?" "I'm just nut sure I remember huw tu du that anymure, Michael." "I luve yuu." "Shit." "It's Rain Man." "I'm truly surry." "I shuuld take him hume." "Okay." "lf yuu need tu talk" "Thanks." "I luve yuu." "I luve yuu." "Yuu're gunna need new shues." "Why du I need new shues?" "'Cause I'm taking yuu tu Paris." "I luve yuu."