"I was no stranger to Mr Gilbert's office." "I often popped by with a complaint or a suggestion on how I thought the school could be better run." "But today was different - he'd actually invited me." "Sit down, McKenzie." "Actually, I'm glad we've got this opportunity to chat," " as there's a couple of things..." " Shut up." "Sure." "The headmaster, in his infinite wisdom, has decided it would be a good idea for the sixth formers to participate in the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme." " I'd like you to co-ordinate it." " Me?" "!" "Really?" "!" "The Duke of Edinburgh representative for the entire year?" " Yes." " I am honoured, sir." "Thanks very much." "Why me?" "You're a virgin, aren't you, McKenzie?" "Sorry?" "A virgin." "You haven't had full sexual intercourse?" "Um... no, I haven't." "Well, there's your answer." "Now get out." "Maybe we should arrange a weekly meeting, just to check on my progress." "You can if you like, but I won't be there." "Or maybe I could compose a regular memo with how it's all going." "OK." "Why don't you drop that in my pigeonhole?" "Great." "Where's that, sir?" "Any bin." "Any rubbish bin you see in, or indeed, out of the school." "Just pop all your thoughts in a rubbish bin, and they'll get to me." "Goodbye, McKenzie." "So now I was Will McKenzie "By Royal Appointment"." "But like all great leaders, I need some idiots to use as cannon fodder." "Now, where would I find some idiots?" "Look at this one." "Holy shit!" "That poor fucker's had all his hair removed with lmmac." "What's that?" "It's what birds use to get a nice, smooth fanny." "I think my mum uses it for her legs." "She wants to try using it on her moustache and the backs of her hands!" "Brilliant." "Gilbert's just told me some great news." "The school's handing out free briefcases to speccy twats?" " No." " Your mum's giving out free blow jobs?" "Nothing to do with my mum." "You've been asked to appear on Who's The Gayest?" "Don't think that's even a real show." "What's happened is, Gilbert has registered the school for the Duke of Edinburgh Awards, and I'm the co-ordinator." "Oh, sorry, I thought you said you had good news." "This is good news." "Think how good a Duke of Edinburgh Award will look on our UCAS forms." "Oh, now it sounds awesome" "Simon, trust me, this will look great on our uni applications, cos we get to help the community and also do some pretty incredible activities, like whitewater rafting, abseiling, even mountain climbing." "Sounds like a queer adventure holiday." "Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh?" "Does he teach it?" "No, course he doesn't teach it, you fucking idiot." "The Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles." "Um, no, he isn't." "It's his dad." "King Philip?" "No, that is the Duke of Edinburgh you're thinking of, but he's not the king." "He fucks the Queen, though." " Oh." " Probably up the arse." " Look, do you want to sign up or not?" " You've got to be fucking joking." "There's no way I'm going to get bummed by some royal bloke" " on a mountain." " Yeah, fuck it, I'm in." " Why, you twat?" " I've never met the Queen." "Simon?" " I'll think about it." " Come on!" "You can't just have "moping after Carli" on your UCAS form." "I actually do loads of things in my spare time." "Masturbating doesn't count as a hobby, Simon." " Oh, fuck it, go on, then." " Brilliant." "I'll go and register us now." " See you Sunday!" " Sunday?" "Yes, Sunday." "My mum's barbecue?" "Do you remember anything I invite you to" "Not really." "Don't worry, I'm coming." "Wherever your mum's snatch is, I'll be there." "So the good news for fans of overcooked meat, tedious small talk and weird neighbours was that it was the day of my mum's barbecue, and it was rocking." "This is a shit party." "It's a middle-aged woman's barbecue." "What were you expecting?" " The Playboy Mansion?" " Still shit." "Um, Si, I just saw your mum inside." "She looked pretty upset." " Oh, no!" "Blubbing?" " She was a bit, yeah." "Oh, bloody hell!" "She's been a total baby since Dad moved out." " Your dad's moved out?" " It's no biggie." "They've not been getting on lately, so he's moved out for a few weeks" " while they sort stuff out." " What, like her face?" "It'll take more than a few weeks to sort that mess out." "Shut up, you cock!" "Do you maybe want to just check if she's OK?" "Not really." "I've had it all bloody week." "It's so embarrassing." " Do you want me to get rid of her?" " Um, no, it's fine." "All right, then, I'd better go and mingle." "Don't break anything and don't steal anything." "All right, all right!" "We'll just go inside and get a beer." " No, you are banned from going inside." " Why?" "Because you'll do something like steal my mum's knickers to sniff and then wank with." " With?" " Yes, with." "And then you'll take great pleasure in telling me how you wrapped my mother's knickers round your cock and used the friction generated whilst thinking about her tits to make you come." " Hello, Will." " Oh, hello, Mrs Cooper." "Simon, do you mind if we go?" "Oh, bloody hell, really?" "OK!" "Fine!" "While Simon offered his mother a surly shoulder to cry on," "I mingled with a fellow tank top enthusiast." "Shouldn't you be revising?" "Ha, yes." "One day off won't hurt." "It might do." "My nephew went to Center Parcs six weeks before his entrance exam to Oxford." "He didn't make the cut, decided to take a year out." "All his friends went to university." "By the time they returned for Christmas, he'd hanged himself." "Right." "Thanks, Roy." "Oh, sorry!" "Hello, Will!" "You probably don't remember me." " I used to baby-sit for you." " No, course I do." "You're Daisy, Maggie's daughter." "Wow." "Nice to see you again." "You look really different." "You don't." "I recognised your glasses straight away and your funny walk." "Do people still laugh at your funny walk?" "Did people laugh at my walk?" " No." "A... bit." " Great" "Sorry, it's not that funny." " It's just... different." " To a normal one?" " Yes, but who wants normal?" " Well, me now!" "Oh, come on, there's a guy at uni with six toes." "Everyone loves him." "Right, good to know." "So what are you doing here?" " Well, I was invited." " Yes, course." "And I'm working part-time at the old folk's home up the road," " so I thought I'd pop by." " Wow, what an incredibly selfless thing to do!" "Not really." "I'm hoping one of the rich ones might write me into their will." "Sounds amazing." "Amazing." "Well, we're always on the lookout for volunteers." "Really?" "We're doing a volunteering scheme at school." "Maybe you could get us into the home." "It's volunteering at an old people's home." " There's not a long waiting list." " Yes." "Sorry, course." "So, you're still at school?" "Technically, yes, but I'm very mature." " Right, you coming?" " Oh, God." "Look, sorry, I have to deal with something." "Oh, what's happened?" "Two of my friends have just gone into my house." "It doesn't sound catastrophic." "You don't know them." "Look, can you wait there?" "I'm off soon, but do get in touch about the volunteering." "Now let's see that funny walk again." " Really?" " For old times' sake." "OK..." "I don't really know how I do it." "There it is!" "Daisy was perfect for me." "She was older and more sophisticated, caring and, best of all, owned her own nurse's uniform." "I've got some great news." "I spent the morning setting up our first D of E assignment." " It starts today after school." " The what?" "D of E. It stands for "Duke of Edinburgh"." "It's what people on the course refer to it as." "Do we need to pack?" "Is it mountain climbing?" " No." " Shit, I hope it's whitewater rafting." " Nope!" " Oh, God, this is killing me." " What are we doing?" " We're doing voluntary work" " at an old people's home." " Up a mountain?" "No, just round the corner from school." " Oh, Will, for fuck's sake!" " But Prince Charles'll be there?" " No." " Will, do we have to do this?" "Well, there are several different modules you have to do to pass, and this is one of them, so... yes." "Ha!" "I am well glad I'm not doing it." "I'm glad you're not doing it, cos you always fuck things up." "And as this is really important to me," "I don't want you anywhere near it." "Yeah, it's important for you to spend time at an old people's home, because you're a paedo." "Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don't, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile." "He is right." " Well, then, he's an OAPaedo." " Brilliant." " You're desperate for a gum job." " Am I?" ""Oh, hello, I'm Will." "Pop your teeth out, Doris," ""and have a little nosh on this."" " Right." "Any more?" " Yeah, give us a minute." "Something about you needing a queering aid." "I decided not to mention that Daisy was the real reason we had to spend the next three weeks nursing the elderly." "Instead, I focused on the positives." "This'll be great, guys." "Think of all the stories these people will have, how much we can learn from them." "Is it going to be boring like reading?" " Oh, fuck!" " Oh, it don't smell great." "Guys, it is such a cliché that old people smell." "I thought you were better than that." "But it does smell in here." "In here, granted, it does smell." "But the point is, we're here to change things for these people." "That's what the D of E Award's all about." "Oh, great" "Let's skip the abseiling and just watch this lot sleep, then" "Simon, I promise this'll be worth it." "Hello!" "Hello." "I think I've done a poo." "Ooh, that's not good." "Wait there." " Oh, thank God, Daisy." " Oh, hello again." "Great to see you." "Now, I've got a bit of a problem." "Is it the smell?" "You get used to the smell, don't worry." "No, it's just," "I've helped an old lady to the toilet and now she's in the toilet and I didn't realise the help would extend to helping her go and I don't think it's right for me to see her... you know..." " Fanny?" " Um, yeah." " You don't like fannies, then?" " No, love them, love the fannies." "It's just an old lady's fanny." "Not that she isn't a person." "It's just her fanny is... hers and is... private." "Why am I talking about old ladies' fannies?" "Why am I talking about fannies at all?" "How has this happened?" " Is she in there?" " Yeah." "It's fine, you get used to the fannies." "And the balls." "They're lovely old boys here, but, my goodness, some of their balls!" "Wish me luck!" "So what do we do, then?" " Just keep an eye on them, I guess." " To make sure we don't lose any?" "I don't think they're planning an escape, Neil." "I had a tortoise once, and that kept running away." "What has that got to do with anything?" "Well, that was old and wrinkly." "Dead now, of course." "Off you go, Phyllis." "Just give us a bit more warning next time." " Sorry, I was a bit useless there." " It just takes practice." "We'll soon turn you into the Florence Nightingale of wiping old arses." " How do you do it?" " Front to back." "No, I mean dedicating your life" " to helping others." " It's just a job." "And, actually, I'm not feeling particularly dedicated today." " Anything I can do to help?" " Not really." "I can't get tomorrow off to go to my best friend's hen party." "Well, I'll be around tomorrow." "And so will my friends." "We could cover for you!" "Will, that's sweet of you to offer, but I'd need cover for the overnight shift, too." "I'll do that myself!" "I'll stay up all night if I have to." "Seriously?" "Absolutely." "You shall go to the ball, Cinderella!" "You're such a twat, but a very sweet one." "Thanks." " I owe you one." " Then let me take you to dinner." " Dinner?" " Yes, dinner." "Don't you think I might be a bit old for you?" "I promise I'm very mature for my age." "Normally it's a curse, but right now it seems worthwhile." "All right, go on, then." "Friday?" " Great." " Cool, I'll see you then." "Thanks again, toy boy!" "Yesl" "I'd done it." "My ex-baby-sitter had agreed to go out with me, and all I had to do was ask her." "Oh, and pretend that my mates were happy to spend their free time bathing geriatrics." "So, how was your evening with the zombies, then?" " Creepy." "Glad I'm not going back." " What?" "Oh, yeah, sorry, I can't do it any more." "What do you mean?" "You've got to cover an extra shift tonight." "They're short-staffed." "You can't do this to me!" "I've got to go and see my dad tonight." "Now he's moved out, apparently I've got to spend time with him." " It's such a wind-up." " Oh, fuck!" "This is a fucking disaster!" "I promised Daisy the three of us would cover for her." "Oh, there's a bird involved." "Now I get it." "Oh, God!" "I can't let her down." "She's agreed to go to dinner with me to say thanks for covering." "Oh, dinner!" " Maybe she won't mind." " Course she'll mind." "She's only going out with him cos he's doing her a favour." "It's tragic." " Oh, God!" " Jay, why don't you cover?" "Fuck off." "I've got better things to do." " What did you do last night, then?" " Went down the park." "The park?" "Did you play on the swings" "Say what you like." "At least I don't have to wipe old arse for the next three months just to get a Duke of Spastic Award." "Come on, Jay." "Just think of it as doing me a huge favour." "Why would I want to do you a favour?" " For money?" " I would do it for money." "How much?" "That was Neil's idea." "I'm not going to pay you to do voluntary work." " 30 quid and I'll do it." " 40." " Neil!" " Look, if you get this nurse bird to nosh you off, then it's a bargain." "You really are a vile human being." " Tenner?" " 20." " Oh, God." "All right, then, done." " Yep." "Sometimes, you just have to dance with the devil... or do voluntary work with a sex pest." "Without doubt, the worst thing about your dad leaving home is having to eat at places like Little Chef and the Big Steakhouse while he tries to bond with you." "Look, I know this stuff with your mum is tough for you guys." "You've probably got a lot of questions." " Can I get a new car?" " Then I want a new computer." "You had a new computer last year." " You got a new car six months ago." " Yeah, but it's shit." "Boys, boys." "I meant questions about your mum and me." "Not really." "Can I go now?" "It's been really good to see you, Simon." "I'm just sorry to dump on you like this, but I've not really got anyone else to talk to." " It's OK, Dad, I understand." " It's just that things are complicated with your mum and me, and not just sexually." "It's getting late now, Dad." "She used to have an incredible appetite for it." "Incredible..." "Please, I don't want to hear about..." "I wish I could just switch off my urges - problem solved." "But I'm a very sexual person." "Always have been." " Is it the same for you?" " I'd better get going." "Oh, yeah, OK." "Um, Dad... everything is going to be all right, isn't it?" "I hope so." "Look, maybe at the weekend we can have a look around some car lots, see if we can't find an upgrade on the yellow peril." "Ah, thanks, Dad." "That would be brilliant." "Oh, Simon, one more thing." "Can I borrow your laptop for a few days?" "The movie channels in here are a little bit soft, if you get what I mean." "So while Simon was struggling to keep his mixed grill down, in his place I had Jay helping me out at the home." "Lucky me." "Careful, Jay, you'll wake Brian." "Fucking hell!" "If you love Brian's old cock so much, why don't you marry him?" "SIGHING" "This is boring." "I'm going for a quick tug." "What, in 'ere?" "Nah." "There must be a spare room around here somewhere." "There's a bedroom they cleared out this morning." "Perfect." "But someone died in it." "What if it's haunted?" "Haunted or not, it'll be covered in ectoplasm when I'm finished." " Cos of the ghosts?" " No, cos I'm going to spunk all over it!" "The problem pages in these are always wanking gold." "See you later, mug!" "So my plan to impress Daisy was working perfectly... apart from Jay masturbating into a resident's sink and me being so knackered from covering the overnight shift that I fell asleep at school - never a good idea." "Here he is" " Sleeping Ugly." "Did you get any grey minge last night, eh?" "I know why you was really there overnight." "You got a geriatric girlfriend, didn't you?" "I bet you creep into her room, kiss her on the false teeth and then slide right up inside her powdery old fanny." "He's asleep, I reckon." "Oh, my God!" "I don't believe it." "This is perfect." "What you got there?" "Hair-removal cream, like in them photos." "I nicked it out of Sadie Cunningham's bag during registration." "Her bush'll go out of control, but this'll be well worth it." " Oh, no way!" " Give us a hand, Neil." "Shouldn't need too much." "He's probably only got about four pubes and he pisses through one of them." "So, unbeknownst to me, I'd been robbed of my pubic hairs." "The date with Daisy was a few hours away." "And I had alopecia of the ball bag." "Terrifyingly, Simon was my only hope." "This business with my dad is doing my head in." "I know it's upsetting, mate, but it'll get better." "I bloody hope so." "Christ, he's boring!" "He keeps trying to talk to me man to man." "I can't bear it." "We still need some help at the old people's home, if you're interested." "Anything, so I don't have to hear about my parents' sex life." " Is that a yes?" " Yes!" "Can I have my creepy, shitty voluntary job back, please?" "Great." "I get to sack Jay, then." "That'll be good." "Are you sure you're OK about your mum and dad, Si?" "Yeah, yeah." "They'll sort it out." "Well, I just want you to know that I'm here for you." "Thanks, mate." "Just like I know that you're there for me if I need you." " Yeah, course." " Good, cos I need you to do something." "OK." "What is it?" "Have a look at my cock." "Um..." "Not in a gay way." "It's just something's gone wrong." "I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay." "Please, I'm serious." "All my pubes have fallen out." " What?" " I was asleep at school and I must have had a wet dream cos it was all sticky..." " You spunked in the common room?" " Yes, but listen!" "I went home to clean up and all my pubes came off in the shower." "Sorry, you spunked your pants in the common room during the day," " when there were people around?" " Yes." " And then your pubes fell out?" " Yes!" "I think this is way out of my league." "Just take a look." "Normally, it wouldn't matter, but I've got that date with Daisy." "What if she wants more than a snog?" "Even a snog's unlikely - no offence - but go on." "Well, if the miracle does happen and she touches or, worse, sees the bald old fella, what's she going to think?" " That you're a porn star?" " Look at me." "I don't think she's gonna think I'm a porn star, Simon." "Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen." "Oh, OK, good idea." "And after that, maybe I'll draw a six-pack on my stomach!" "Or a longer cock!" "Or what about wearing a wig down there?" "Oh, good idea A cock wig!" "What sort of idea is that?" "!" "Fucking wig!" "Look, if you don't want my help, I'll go." "I'm sorry if I seem a little stressed." "It's just I've got no fucking pubes!" "Sorry, Simon, I do want your help." "Please look at my cock." "No!" "Simon was useless, and all too soon it was time for my date." "Despite my alarming lack of pubes, I tried to put on a brave face." "You look nice." "I'm just going to wash my hands, then we'll go, shall we?" " Yeah, great." " I'll meet you outside." "Fantastic." "It may have been a rush of blood to my head, or maybe the slight chill around my balls, but suddenly Simon's cock wig advice seemed like my best shot." " You ready?" " Yeah, sure am." "It was itchy, but I kind of liked it." "I cannot believe that plum Will is gonna pay me for yesterday when all I did was watch TV and slope off for a crafty wank." "I'm being paid to wank." "It's my perfect job." "And tomorrow, I get paid 20 quid to do it all over again." "You go to an old people's home and wank off?" "Doesn't that seem weird to you?" "Sometimes I even slip a finger up my arse while I'm doing it." "I'm going back tomorrow, so you need to find somewhere else to bash one out." "Oh, no, I'll still be there." "It's the easiest money I've ever earned." "Will won't pay you if he doesn't need you there." "Yes, he will." "He's got to give me notice." "I'm a..." "I'm a paid voluntary worker." "I've got rights." " Hi, Simon." " Dad?" "What are you doing here?" "Me and your mum are just talking things through." "Oh, great." "That's great." "Yeah, yeah." "Listen, you got any johnnies?" "So while Simon's parents had noisy, unprotected sex, my first ever dinner date was going rather well, especially considering I had a pensioner's wig in my pants." "Did I just drink a whole bottle of Pinot Grigio?" "I wasn't keeping score, but it looked very much like that." "Oh, God." "And I only really came to dinner to say thank you" " for doing my shift the other night." " My pleasure." "It was easy." "The home was as quiet as the place directly before the grave." "You're funny." "I try." "No, I really do try." "Oh, God, come here." "Wow." "Nice." "What am I doing?" "You're so young." "Um, yes, I am, but..." "No, for God's sake, don't talk." "Just come back with me." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "I'm going to blame the white wine." "This was amazing." "And although, in her role as a nurse," "I was sure Daisy had seen genitalia much more horrific than mine, what she probably hadn't seen was someone with a wig stuffed down there." "And so, after 17 years of trying to get girls to touch my penis," "I was now doing everything I could to prevent it." "What the fuck is this?" " Daisy, I'm sorry." "Please let me explain." " Is it a wig?" "!" "It's a long story, but I've just not got any hair down there." "No." "No, of course you haven't." "I forget how young you are." "I shouldn't be doing this." "You're a child!" "No, no, no, it's not that." "I have had hair..." "I'm sorry, Will." "Please forgive me." "I know you're not ready and you should be allowed to mature at your own pace." "Look, forget about the hair!" "It still works." "Just touch it." "You might like it." "I'm sorry." "Is this Phyllis's wig?" "So my stupid, hairless gonads had ruined it for me." "And even worse, we still had two weeks' tedious voluntary work left." "I can't believe you're still here and not getting paid for it." "I like the old people." "They're just like people, too." " You fancy them, is what you mean." " No, it's not that." "It's just people like Brian, you know, they've lived." " I think they're boring." " Oh, yeah, they're boring, but it's a different boring, you know what I mean?" "No." " Right, I think it's about that time." " What, again?" "With as much spunk as I have, you need to release the valve a couple of times a day." "Plus, I've got it down to about 30 seconds now." " You want a copy of Hello!" "?" " No, I've done that cover to cover." "I definitely need some new material." "I even had to have a wank over Fern Britton the other day." "If you see Baldy Bollocks, cover for us." "Daisy, listen, I just wanted to try and clear the air about last night." "Will, sorry, I'm just too embarrassed." "And I've got to go and sort out a new resident." "But I wanted to explain." "I don't know what happened." " I used to have loads of hair down there." " Will!" "It went down the sides, all over my balls, and I've still got loads in my arse crack!" "Will, sometimes it's better just not to say anything." "So while I was flogging a dead horse," "Jay was thinking about flogging something else, and in his never-ending quest for fresh material, he plumbed new depths." "Hello!" "Who's that?" "Oh, God!" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Don't worry, love." "I've seen it all before." " I thought it was empty." " Your mum's settling in OK, I think." "Oh, this is Jay." "He's helping out as part of the Duke of Edinburgh Scheme." "How nice." "Thanks for looking after Mum." "He did that looking at me." "Thanks a bunch, Jay." "Nice job" " I didn't do nothing." " Really?" "Didn't sound like nothing." "It was just a misunderstanding." "I don't know why you're being so fucking menstrual about it." "Maybe I'm being a bit menstrual about it cos not only have you got us chucked off the Duke of Edinburgh course, but you've also blown it for me with a sexy older woman." " And that was my fault, was it?" " Yes, it was." "How?" "You wanked at an old lady!" "And you putting a wig down your pants had nothing to do with it?" " That was a terrible idea, mate." " That was your idea!" "A wig?" "What were you thinking?" "!" "Maybe I was thinking, Neil, "What am I going to do?" ""My pubes have all fallen out cos my friends thought it would be funny" " "to pour hair-remover over my balls."" " And it was." "On the bright side, at least Daisy touched your cock." "No, she didn't." "She couldn't get her hand through the lining." "Don't forget, you still owe me 40 quid for those two shifts." "I think you may be waiting a while for that payment." "We fucking shook on it." "Yes, well, we all know what happens when you shake on things." "They say every defeat is a victory if you learn from it." "Well, not this one." "It had simply been a credibility-crushing..." "You're a virgin, aren't you, McKenzie?" "... pube-losing, granny-wanking royal disaster." "Is Prince Charles cross with us, sir?"