"'sup?" "Hey." "Aren't you that guy from the poster?" "What?" "N-no." "That's m-- that's my cousin." "We got different cheekbones." "His are better, the lucky bastard." "Well, I think it's you." "I'm getting that reward!" "Hold on, hold on!" "If you hand me over, they'll kill me." "Do you really want my death on your conscience" "For six lousy gold pieces?" "What could you even buy with that?" "A farm!" "I could get a new wife." "I hate the old one!" "I'm changing mine." "I want a new wife, too!" "Wait!" "Please!" "Even if you deliver me to the king and queen," "They'll never pay!" "Look what they've done to this once proud kingdom." "They plundered and destroyed it and ruined all of our lives!" "I mean, where's it written that those jerks" "Get to live in the castle and feast on lamb" "While the rest of us wallow in the muck and starve?" "!" "Where is it written?" "The kingdom charter." "Forget where it's written." "I say we storm the castle" "And take back what's rightfully ours." "Who's with me?" "!" "*We will march, and we'll fight*" "*For the cause of good and right*" "*Though the odds of us surviving*" "*Are ridiculously slight*" "*And we'll stand proud and tall*" "*Till they come to kill us all*" "*Then we'll beg and plead and soil ourselves*" "*As, one by one, we fall*" "*Some they'll slash, some they'll hack*" "*Some they'll bludgeon blue and black*" "*Some they'll gut from top to bottom*" "*Some they'll mangle front to back*" "*And we'll all realize as they're gouging out our eyes*" "*That tomorrow we'll regret it*" "*But today, we rise*" "*And our corpses will rot on the plain*" "*Leaving only a gross, bloody stain*" "*Then the world, it will see*" "*As will all of history*" "*We had truth on our side*" "*But we still died in vain*" "*And the brave, lucky few*" "*Who will somehow make it through*" "*Scarred for life and missing limbs*" "*And needing help to pee and poo*" "*They can stand 'neath these skies*" "*Begging change from passerbys*" "*Is it hopeless?" "Yep, you said it*" "*We might as well forget it*" "*Tomorrow, we'll regret it*" "*But today, we rise*" "*Oh, my god, will we regret it*" "*But today, we ri-i-i-i-se*" "Not so tough now, are you?" "!" "We're gonna tear this castle down!" "Right, everybody?" "!" "I said, right, everybody?" "!" "Tell me, why do musicals always get me so worked up?" "It stopped." "This is what happened to the last one." "Okay, okay." "Let's just try giving it a kick." "It worked before." "1, 2, 3." "Kick." " Great." " It's useless." "How could things have gone so bad so quickly?" "Those stupid bats ate all our food." "We all got the same cold." " Worst of all " " Please don't say it again." "We had to eat that family of hobbits." "We wouldn't have had to if you'd let us eat your stupid iguana." "Tad Cooper is a dragon, and we are not eating a dragon." "He's a lizard." "A very sumptuous, meaty lizard." "Richard, look, I'm sorry we had to eat hobbits." "I'm sorry we'll soon have to eat your igua" "Dragon." "But we don't have a choice." "We're starving." "Hold on a minute." ""Entering the property of sir Arnold Galavant."" "Is he any relation of yours?" "Uh...no." "Maybe." "Okay, fine." "Yes, he's my dad." "Look, I knew he lived around here somewhere." "I just don't want to see him." "You knew*We ate Hobbits." "Oh, forget about them." "I smell backstory, and I love backstory." "Honestly, I don't want to talk about it." "Can we just move on?" "I'm sure we could find a warm bed and a nice meal" "In literally any other direction." "Oh, fiddlesticks." "As you all know, this is the first birthday party" "I've thrown for Gareth since he became king." "If you ruin the surprise," "I'll cut your tongue out with a dull knife." "Thanks for your hard work, and I cherish you one and all." "He's coming!" "Places, everyone!" "Surprise!" "Gareth!" "Wait!" "It's a birthday party for you, you kook." "Come take a look at your gifts." "I think you're going to love them." "This is a bit fancy." "It's a crystal nut bowl." "It'll never fit." "No, for dinner parties." "You don't like it?" "It's not that." "It's just that," "All this hoity-toity king stuff... it's just not me." "Oh." "Okay." "So, what is you, Gareth?" "I mean, if you could get anything for your birthday," "What would it be?" "A scar." "Every year, on my birthday," "We used to go down the pub and get in a good old scrap." "When I was 9 years old," "I went to the pub and got this one." "Greatest gift a kid could ever want." "This one, I was 14." "I left a man bleeding to death in the sawdust." "He wanted me to finish him off, but I wouldn't." "That's what we're going to do." "I'm taking you to the sleaziest tavern in Valencia..." "To get you a new birthday scar." "Really?" "Where's Wormwood?" "My plan is almost ready, Barry." "Your wedding plan?" "Yes, and my evil plan." " I thought that was a plot." " Oh, for " "Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm losing track myself." "Mr. Wormwood, we need to talk." "My lady, there's a perfectly good explanation." "You were using it to control my mind" "And take over our kingdom as part of some nefarious scheme." "Okay, yes, that is the explanation." "You're lucky I don't have my guards strike you down just for that." "Oh, princess, I'm a master of the dark arts, yes." "And the only thing to kill me is the sword" "Wielded by the one true king to unite them all." "And no one knows where that is." "Damn it!" "There we go." "I can still have them chop off your arms." "Can you*Can she?" "Yes." "Hadn't thought of that." "Begone, Chester Wormwood." "You are banished from Hortensia." "Fine." "You win -- for now." "But mark my words," "I will return to take this kingdom by force," "And you and your family will decorate my highest tower -- with your heads!" "Oh, but don't forget -- the wedding is fast approaching," "So have the groomsmen's gifts engraved with their initials." "It's a classy move." "But you will die, I swear." "Oh, and don't forget to tip the waiters on the day." "Oh, they work so hard." "Rot in hell, swine!" "Barry." "We're here." "Now, look " "Are you sure you wouldn't rather face starvation?" "I would." "You know, I do not understand it." "My father died when I was just a boy." "I would do anything to see him again." " So hungry." " Yeah." "Well, your dad probably wasn't a serial philanderer" "Who was never around and left your mum." "That is so sad." "Not as sad as having a dead dad, right?" "I mean, my story's sadder." "And just wait until he finds out I'm on a quest for love." "He's gonna make such fun of it." "Well, if he criticizes you over dinner," "I'm fine with that, especially if dinner is steak." "Hear, hear." "Okay." "Well, be prepared to meet an ice-cold, loveless monster." "Ah, greetings, son!" "It's been forever!" "Come in." "Oh, yeah." "He seems terrible." "Boys, make way, make way, make way." "Welcome, welcome." "I will be damned." "I never thought I'd live to see my oldest son" "With such a bushy beard." "It's not bushy." "It's correct for the period." "And it suits you." "Come, come, come." "You have a lovely home, sir." "Thank you." "You have a lot of children." "Your wife must be so sore." "They're not mine." "I run a swordsmanship school for at-risk youth." "Have been ever since I retired from the heroics game." "Hey, boys!" "One at a time." "Oh, please." "Kill him!" "Crown!" "So, how does this whole bar-fight thing work?" "Well, usually, we have a pint or two." "And then I catch someone looking at me," "I insult his mother, and then away we go." "Oh, good." "Let's start." "What about him?" "He gave you a momentary glance." "Did he?" "You got a problem?" "Uh, none at all, uh, your highness." "Well, you should." "King Gareth just called your mother a two-bit hussy." "Oh, uh, right you are, my king!" "My mother is a hussy." "In fact, she's the biggest hussy in the land." "Indeed, I am, your grace!" "My mother sells herself, as well, your majesty." "Mine too!" "Filthiest woman in the whole red-candle district." "My father's a hussy!" "For god's sake, Barry, try and keep up!" "Do you have any idea where we are?" "Barry, are you completely illiterate?" "Look, we're in the Forest of coincidence." "God, I wish we had a cart right now." "Free cart!" "No way." "Finally, a stroke of luck." "Ah, hey, you there -- little chap." "Where are you coming from?" "Valencia." "I'm escaping, and I couldn't be more lost." "How very strange." "We're escaping from Hortensia." "Hey, maybe we can help each other." "That'd be brilliant." "I'm trying to put as much distance as I can" "Between myself and an insane king and queen." "Believe me, we get that." "We've just been kicked out by princess Isabella." " Princess Isabella*" " Yeah." "She's one of the people I'm looking for." "Really*How incredible." "I'm desperate to find her and her true love, Galavant." "What are you talking about?" "Galavant told her he wished she would die." "In a fart, if I remember correctly." "Galavant never makes fart jokes." "No, it must be a misunderstanding." "I have to find him right away, but how?" "Excuse me." "Did you say "Galavant"?" "Oh, I hear he's staying at his father's place" "Just a five days' walk away from here." "Oh." "And I just found his sword." "Do you want it?" "Hell, yeah." "Oh, wow." "This is amazing." "If only I had a horse I could make it by nightfall." "Horse for sale!" "Horse for sale!" "Take you five days' walk in a single afternoon." "Oh, my god." "That's perfect." "But I have no money." "I don't need money." "What I need is a used pair of size 7 shoes." "I'm a size 7." "And I have an extra pair." "What are the odds?" "!" "Let's do this." "Yipee!" "Good luck to you, friends." "If you're in Valencia, be careful." "The king and queen are crazy, war-minded monsters." "Crazy, war-minded monsters." "What a wonderful coincidence." "All right, boys, who's gonna train me?" "Watch the face!" "What's wrong with you?" "Good lord." "You know, there was a time when I would've paid good money to see this." "It's nice that he's good with kids, though." "Why, you little " "Come here, come here!" "Galavant, I'm starting to worry that Richard won't be ready when the real battle comes." "Careful, Roberta." "You're starting to sound like someone who cares for the guy." "In love with him*Me*What?" "I'm not in love with him." "What's wrong with you people?" "!" "At all." "Sir Galavant, tell us what it was like" "To grow up with your awesome dad." " Yeah, tell us!" " You're so lucky!" "Well, kiddies..." "There was this one time..." "Well, I remember it like it was yesterday." "Gather 'round." "He told my mother that he didn't love her" "Right in front of my face." "And then he passed out on the dog." "And it was Christmas, and the dog died." "That man doesn't care about anybody but himself." "That's not true." "*I was starving in the poorhouse*" "*Where they fed us twice a year*" "*And they tossed me out the day I asked for more*" "*Then your dad brought me to your house*" "*And he gave me bread and beer*" "*Also, everything you left here in your drawer*" "Wait." "What?" "*He was there, he was there*" "*Gave me all your underwear*" "*With his sweet, loving care, he was there*" "You've got to be kidding me." "*I was carried off by slavers*" "*Where my parents died of pox*" "*And they sold me to be rendered into glue*" "*Then your dad did me two favors*" "*First, he cleaned their freaking clocks*" "*Then he gave me all the gear he gave to you*" "Hey, that's my favorite hat!" "*He was there, he was there*" "Random back-flip in the air" "* So much more love to spare*" "*Such a gem*" " *Such a --*" " Stop!" "*I was practically abandoned by that smug and selfish jerk*" "*It's like nothing that I did was quite enough*" "That's rough." "*Plus, his ego's out of hand*" "*And all he cares about is work*" "*And I can't believe he gave you all my stuff*" "What?" "!" "No!" " *He was there* - *Never there *" " *He was --* - * never, ever there*" " *Sweet and kind* -* au contraire*" " *He's a saint* -* not a prayer*" "*Nasty and cold-hearted*" "*Such a pig, don't get me started*" "*He's a schmuck, he's a schmo*" "*He's the worst, I should know*" "*He's my dad, he's a cad*" "He's right behind me, isn't he?" "Mama!" "Dad." "You look terrible." "Because you threw us in the dungeon." "I know." "And I'm so sorry." "But it wasn't me." "It was a spell." "We slept in an inch of water." "I have mold in the crack of my tuchus." "Todd, enough." "Isabella, we owe you an apology." "We tried to force you to be somebody you weren't." "And we are sorry." "Sorry." "Oh, thank you." "My baby." "And now it's over, forever," "Because I am so done with being controlled" "By my broken heart and prince Harry." "And I'm ready to become my own person." "Let's do this." "Let us begin." "Typically, and by Kingdom Charter," "When a princess breaks off her engagement with the prince," " It requires one simple action." " Great." "He demands your bra." "My -- my bra?" "Your bra -- to show to my friends." "Absolutely not!" "I am a liberated woman." "I am a warrior princess," "And I will not be giving an 11-year-old my bra." "Then death it is." "Fine." "Unbelievable." "But I am lobbying to change this law." "Yes!" "This is me." "It is." "I stitched it." "It's your whole life." "There's you when you were born." "That's you being fitted for your first suit of chain mail." "Yeah, I remember that." "The blacksmith was all hands." "Yeah, you can see it right there." "And that's you, waiting for me to play" ""Throw the cabbage around"..." "When I forgot and never showed." "You're kidding." "That's the day I won the M.V.K." "At the St. Julian's day massacre." "Most valuable knight." "You ripped those serfs to pieces." "You couldn't know how proud I was that day." "Mostly because I didn't tell you." "You've been following my adventures this whole time." "Why didn't you say anything?" "You know us old-school knights." "We can really only express ourselves through tapestry." "*I went mucking all about*" "*On endless quests and empty wars*" "*And adventures in a hundred ports of call*" "*And yet somehow I missed out on one adventure*" "*Mine and yours*" "*And it should have been the greatest one of all*" "But there's something you should know." "*I was there, I was there*" "*In my heart, in every prayer*" "*Never said it out loud*" "*But I've always been proud*" "*If you somehow can forgive me*" "*I'll be*" "*There*" "Go and rescue your princess, Galavant." "Marry her." "And be the father and husband I never was." "Dad?" "You want to play throw the cabbage around?" "Grab a head." "I'm sorry your birthday's been such a bust." "I really tried to get someone to hit you." "It's all right." "It's just nice to know you care." "But I do have one last birthday surprise" "That unexpectedly arrived." "I think you're going to love it." "How would you like an unprovoked war" "With the kingdom of Hortensia?" "Best birthday present ever." "Dingdong." "Nice throw, son." "Thanks, dad." "This cabbage is spent." "I'll grab another." " Stop!" " Finish him!" " Get the king!" " Cheaters!" "Ch" "Galavant!" "Sid!" "You escaped!" "All right, okay." "That's -- that's close." "Too close." "Okay." "Oh, it's good to see you, sir." "I have news." "Princess Isabella is being forced to marry her cousin in Hortensia." "I know." "And I'm not gonna let it happen." "I'm gonna raise an army to rescue her." "Then I've got something you'll want." "Look out!" "Wild monkeys!" "Your sword!" "Richard, they're children!" "Galavant, look out!" "No-o-o!" "Oh, what have I done?" "I've had worse." "Maybe not."