"[cell phone ringing]" "[sighs]" "Nope." "[men] ♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪" " ♪ "Glory to the newborn king" ♪ - [sighs]" "♪ Peace on earth and mercy mild ♪" "Shut the fuck up!" "No one cares!" "Sophia, did you just tell the Mission Street-wide Gay Men's Chorus to shut the fuck up in the season of Yule?" "Sorry, Lionel." "I didn't see you there." "Yeah." "We both know you would've said the same damn thing if you had." "♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪ [men continue singing in background] [sighs]" "[sighs]" "Mmm." "[belches]" "[exhales]" "Fuck eBay." "Fuck Christmas." "Fuck Annie, fuck Dad, and fuck ye merry gentlemen!" "[sighs]" " [phone beeps] - [over phone] Sophia, it's Dad." "Just checking to see if you're coming here for Christmas dinner." "Not if Christ himself took me on mule-back." "[Shane] Hey." "I know you said you need some time alone, but I hope you and Annie are talking again." " But if not..." " Oh, we are not." "I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you." "And I hope you reconsider my offer to come to Chicago." "You don't even need to bring a present, like a new bass pedal, a Gibraltar bass pedal, a Sonor bass pedal." "Can't stand the thought of you being alone on Christmas." "I miss you, and... yeah." "Remember, it's cold here." "Bring a jacket." "I need a jacket." "[men] ♪ And with true love And brotherhood ♪" "♪ Each other now embrace ♪" "♪ This holy tide of Christmas All others ♪" "[Le Tigre's "Deceptacon" playing]" "What up, Hoss?" "A while back, someone at this address bought a leather jacket from me." "Had a parrot on the collar." "Yeah." "It belongs to the old ball and chain." "Wore it the time we went and visited that big-ass cave up in Kentucky." "That's great." "See, all of my current misery can be traced back to the decision to sell that jacket." "So..." " I need it." " Hell no." "She paid a lot of money for that." "Well, I can give her two grand cash." "It's yours." "[inhales]" "Is she gonna fuck that jacket?" "[woman] Mm-hmm." "And then flip it for more money." " Nope. eBay told me to skedaddle." " Why'd they go and do that?" "'Cause I was hornswoggled by a no-good snake in the grass." "I don't know why I'm talking like this." "I know what we do to snakes down here in Texas." " Hm?" " Cut their heads off, suck out the meat." "Merry Christmas." "♪ Who took the Bomp From the Bompalompalomp?" "♪" "♪ Who took the Ram From the Rama Lama Ding Dong?" "♪" "♪ Who took the Bomp From the Bompalompalomp?" "♪" "♪ Who took the Ram From the Rama Lama... ♪ [doorbell rings]" "♪ See you later ♪" "♪ See you later ♪" "Sophia, what a surprise." "Please, come in." "I'm just finishing up a Hungry-Man." "Cut the fake hospitality." "I know it was you." "It wasn't personal." "It's just business." "You of all people can surely understand that." "Don't you hoist me on my own petard." "eBay kicked you off, Sophia." "I did not." "So, as far as I'm concerned, we're finished here." "Unless you would like half of my Salisbury steak." "Because the portion is too big for me." "You best understand one thing." "For the rest of your life, I'm gonna be out there waiting for my moment." "You'll never know when or how I'm gonna strike." "You best understand one thing." "I will be ready..." "You... bopped me on the... ear." "Snakes don't have ears." "I am giving you three seconds to leave." "Not until I suck the meat out of your ass." "That's a straight-up Nasty Gal threat with a Texas twist." " Time's up!" " Oh!" "[gasping]" "Such a... strong... grip." "You... are a garbage person." "No wonder your mother left." "I'd have left you, too." "♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪ [inaudible dialogue]" "♪ Let your heart be light ♪" "♪ From now on ♪" "♪ Our troubles will be out of sight ♪ [man on PA] Attention, arriving passengers with ground transportation to Crystal Bay or Incline Village, please see the Customer Service kiosk located in the High Mountain Marketplace" " to confirm weather conditions." " Thank you." " I need to change my flight." " How will Santa know where to find you?" "He can look up the next time he's eating out my ass." "Where you headed?" "[instrumental "Deck the Halls" playing]" "[man] Mr. Cratchit, you will be working right here with me." "As you wish, sir." "I miss Father." "I so wish we could spend Christmas together as a family." "Me, too, Tiny Tim." "Your father is a good man." "But, sadly, he works for a dastardly one." "Is there anything that can thaw his frozen heart?" "[coughing]" "I mean, it's not like he's Dick Cheney." "[laughter]" "[gagging]" "[yelling]" "Bah... [audience laughs]" "Humbug." "Zounds!" "Scrooge has met his end most foul." "Who could the killer be?" "Was it Rosemary Shockey, who turned 70 today?" "[all] ♪ Some will come clean ♪" "♪ All I do ♪" "♪ Is come ♪" "♪ Clean ♪" "Excuse me, Tiny Tim?" "I'm a real person, you know." "I have a name." "Sorry." "What is it?" " People call me Topper." " Ah." "Uh, you want some tabacky?" "No, thanks." "Okay." "Well, you can't be back here, then." "Actually, I'm looking for Kathleen Downing." "Oh, sure." "You know her name." "She's in there." "[Kathleen] Sophia?" "Hi, Mom." "It is you." "Oh, my God." "Look at you." "Yeah." "You're beautiful." "Are you here to yell at me?" " No." "I'm..." " I can't get over how good you look." "You're so grown up." "Pulling off bangs, you still got that dimple, and this jacket, so punk." "Yeah." "I love a jacket that says, "Get the fuck out of my way, world."" "Wow." "So much to take in." "I know..." "I should have been more in touch." "But between the moves, and that hospital stay for my migraines, and everything with Katrina..." "It's okay, Mom." "Wow." "This is a heavy moment for me." "[chuckles]" "A cocktail will help." "Cast party started 20 minutes ago." "If we don't leave now, they'll drink the place dry." "[both chuckle]" "You think I'm kidding." "I work pretty consistently." "I mean, it's not Broadway or anything, but I love it." "I'm just waiting for that one lead role to take my career to the next level." "So, Chuck, the guy that played Scrooge," " Uh-huh." " he's the theater's artistic director." "He keeps dropping hints that I could be Anna in The King and I after New Year's." "Mmm." "I'm sure you'll get it." "You're really talented." "Well, it doesn't matter how talented you are." "[sighs] The harsh reality is moms don't land lead roles." "Reese Witherspoon's a mom, and she did all right." "Her last movie sucked." "Won her an Oscar." "Here's the thing." "Chuck, he thinks I'm in my mid-30s 'cause I told him I'm in my mid-30s." "So, if I introduce him to my grown daughter..." "Say no more." "I'll follow your lead." "By the way, Gary, please come to the vocal warm-ups." "Say "pestilence."" " Pestilence." " Pestilence." " Pestilence." " [Kathleen] I'm here, gentlemen." "Put your dicks away." "I'll do no such thing." "Chuck, your death scene seems to be getting longer and more moving every night." "The crowd loved it." "Oh, it's... still not there yet." "But I was really living in the harmony of our duet." "Oh, I felt it, too." "Symbiosis." "And who is this?" "Oh, this is Colette." "She's my manicurist." "Yep." "I do nails." " Doing nails?" " Mm-hmm." " How's that going for you?" " Good." "Uh, in many ways, a woman's strength is defined by her nails." "That's why she should keep them long." "With bold, assertive colors to alert others to her presence." "I mean, we're all primal beings, and these are our claws." "What do you think the first cave paintings were made from?" "The first clay tablets?" "Art, literature, math, civilization." "It all comes from the nails." "That is fucking great." "[chuckles] I'm gonna get us a pitcher." "Yeah, I'll get us a table." "I loved when you broke." "Oh, the audience adores it." "I can teach you." "Tiny Tim coming in from the back, that was my idea." "Yeah, it's sneakier that way." "You know, you gotta take the audience on a ride." "Well, it also gives that cop guy a place to run." "The stage is way too small for a whole chase." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Thing is..." " [Kathleen] Hey, Topper." " Yeah?" "I overheard someone back there saying your limp was inauthentic." "Somebody back there is full of shit." "Inauthentic." "I worked for two weeks with a war veteran on that limp." "Inauthentic." "Hey!" "Inauth..." "Does this look inauthentic to you?" "Hey, you." "That idiot drives me crazy." "So self-absorbed." " So, how'd it go with Chuck?" " Good, I think." "I asked about the part, he said he was this close to making a decision." "All right, Kathleen!" "Taking control." "Yeah." "Now, a woman my age would never high five." " But a woman in her 30s..." " Mm-hmm." "He seems like an okay guy." "Chuck?" "God, no, he's disgusting." "He claims to have slept with over a thousand women." "That guy?" "Did not take him long to tell me that either." "Who's that lady?" "Oh, that's Nikki." "She's new to the company." "She's sweet, but she's way heavier than she looks." "Are you sure blondie's not gunning for that lead part?" "She's really chatting him up over there." "[Kathleen] Well, Chuck's the king." "It means he can hit on whoever he wants." "The rules of the stage." "Mmm." "That doesn't sound real." "To hell with the rules." "Go and stop that shit." "You know what?" "You're right." "To hell with the rules." "[rock music playing over speakers] [inaudible dialogue]" "I think I'm gonna get this part." "I'm gonna be Anna." "I'm gonna be the "I."" "Nice." "You can act circles around that Nikki." "Right?" "Okay, wait here." "I gotta go fuck Chuck in the bathroom." " What?" "No." "That's not what I meant." " It's gonna work." "I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good." " But..." " I've had way worse." "I did a show once with that creepy little guy from Ally McBeal." "[sighs]" "All I know is, no one else is getting that part." "Couldn't find the guy." "Coward." "So, why don't you tell me your life story?" "Are you a boy or a girl?" "Let's find out." " You finished?" " Well, I didn't, but Chuck did." "Let's go." "I was with this one company in Des Moines." "Some crazy, wild people in that theater." "One night... a bottle of 100-proof tequila was poured on the stage" " and the whole damn thing lit on fire." " [chuckles]" "George Wendt lost an eyebrow." "Do you know who he is?" "He's the married one on Cheers." "Seems fun." "Why'd you leave?" "Well, they canceled the show until the stage could be rebuilt." "I didn't want to wait around until next season." "So, I moved on." " [Sophia] You've been all over." " Yeah." "Wait, stop." "Tomorrow is Christmas, and I don't have a tree." "You want to steal one?" "Hell, yeah." "[soul music playing] [both laughing]" "[Kathleen] It's a victimless crime, right?" "Yeah." "Trees grow out of the ground." "So, how can you really own one to sell?" "You know, in 24 hours, these trees will just be basically trash on the side of the road." " [Sophia] Ow!" " Okay." "Okay." "[grunts] We have no upper-body strength." "Help us, Jesus." "Help us steal." "Silent night. [screams]" "Oh, it's stuck." "It's stuck." "[laughing]" "Yes!" "It doesn't really matter, because, you know, Nasty Gal no longer exists." "But she still doesn't wanna talk to me." "You don't need her." "You don't need anyone." "Well, I kind of need, like, the barista at Starbucks." "'Cause, what, am I gonna, like, hit a bunch of buttons, and then foam appears?" " [laughs]" " Ta-da!" "Is it an ornament, or a tangle of Satan's pubes?" "[chuckles]" "Gosh, you're so cool and fun." "[groans]" "Why didn't I see that when you were 12?" "Well, we're out of wine." "All we have is this." "And there's not enough for the both of us, so I'm just gonna take it." "Mom." "Mm?" "Why did you leave?" "[sighing] Oh, honey." "Well..." "I know it's hard to understand, but I..." "I just had to get out of there." "So, you don't think that I'm... a garbage person?" "No, no." "No, no, no." "It had nothing to do with you." "I mean, it wasn't my dream to be a mother." "But your father was..." "We... were doing so well." "And then... suddenly, he just stopped believing in me." "Why?" "It's what he does." "He crushes dreams." "Yeah." "There are a lot of things I wasn't around to teach you." "But here's something that I can:" "in life, the only one who can make you happy is you." "The great big lie is that we need other people." "But... [clears throat] No." "The truth is... we all die alone." "Totally." "I really am my mother's daughter." "You are your mother's manicurist." "[both laughing]" "Well, I guess I..." "I'd better..." "I'd better get to bed if I'm going to get my beauty sleep before the matinee." "Make yourself at home." "Hey." "Why don't you stay a little longer?" "Like through the new year, or as long as you want?" "Sure." "Yeah." "[all singing scales]" "Fun night, huh?" "Yeah, pretty fun." "There'll be lots of nights like that to come once you're my king." "What do you mean?" "Anna does whatever her king asks." "And I mean whatever." "Oh, Kathleen, I'm sorry, but Anna's going to someone else." " Wait." "What was last night about?" " Last night?" "That was just two actors releasing some pent-up energy after a show." "You're joking right now, right?" "This is a fucking joke." "No." "And even if I were, it wouldn't change the fact that you are just too old to play the role." "I mean, I'm sorry, but Anna can't be 50." "This is bullshit, and you know it, Chuck." "I deserve that part." "Well, if it's not me, then who did get it?" "Tell me." "Who got the part?" "As is customary, I was going to make a formal announcement." "But since you must know, my lords, ladies, and gentlemen, the part of Anna in The King and I goes to Nikki." "Congratulations, Nikki." "[laughing] Oh, shit." "What's so funny, Topper?" " Nothing." " [Kathleen] Hm?" "'Cause the only thing that I think is funny is your pathetic British accent." "It's almost as bad as Keith's résumé." " What the fuck did I do to you?" " It's not just you." "It's this whole shitty, amateurish production." " Jesus, Kathleen." "Let's go outside..." " No!" "You're gonna shut up and listen to me." "You wouldn't know a good actor if she shit down your mouth." "This entire theater lacks artistic merit." "And you... you are a lousy lay." " Are you done?" " Oh, yeah, I'm done." "I'm out of here forever." "[Chuck] Really?" "Where are you gonna go?" " I'll go back to Des Moines." " Des Moines, that's rich." "You think Bobby's gonna take you back after what you pulled?" "His fire insurance premiums have doubled thanks to you." "[Kathleen] I'll go back to Carbondale." "Have fun." "Say hi to my picture on the wall." "Fuck you, Topper." " Hey, hey, hey." " Fuck all of you!" "Fuck this place and fuck everything!" "You can all kiss my ass." "We're leaving." "This is perfect." "It's Christmas, won't be any traffic." "We'll just blow out of here and not even look back." "Blow out of here where?" "Oh, I don't know." "Somewhere." "I'll figure it out." "Hawaii." "Oh, let's go there." "We'll just lie on the beach and eat pineapple" " and be alone together." " [horn honking]" "You're not coming with me, are you?" "No." "Fine." "Okay." "Merry Christmas." "I couldn't." "Take it." "For the next time you need to tell the world to fuck off." "Bye, Mom." "♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪" "♪ "Glory to the newborn king" ♪" "♪ Peace on earth, and mercy mild ♪" "♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪" "Good timing." "I don't know what the rest of the words are." "I have nothing to say to you." "I have one thing to say to you." "I'm sorry." "And thank you." "That's two things." "Thank you?" "For what?" "Getting me kicked off eBay was the best gift you could have given me." "'Cause now I'm gonna do things right." "I'm done being a garbage person." "You're never getting back on eBay." "It's not me, but once you lose eBay's trust, it holds a grudge." "It's okay." "I'll start my own site." "Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't." "But it'll be mine." "Wait." "You're welcome." "Wait." "May I sing with you?" "Oh, I have a flight to catch... ♪ Joy to the world ♪" "♪ The Lord has come ♪" "♪ Let earth ♪ [mumbles]" "♪ King ♪" "♪ Let every heart prepare his room ♪ [both] ♪ And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing ♪" "♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪ [woman on PA] On behalf of the Reno Airport staff, we'd like to wish you safe travels and a merry Christmas." "Thank you for flying with us, and please, come again." "♪ Be light ♪" "♪ From now on ♪" "♪ Our troubles will be out of sight ♪ [inaudible dialogue]" "♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪" "♪ Make the Yuletide gay ♪" "♪ From now on ♪" "♪ Our troubles will be miles away ♪" "♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪" "♪ Happy golden days ♪" "♪ Of yore ♪" "♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪" "♪ Gather near to us ♪" "♪ Once more ♪" "♪ Through the years We all will be together ♪" "♪ If the fates allow ♪" "♪ Hang a shining star ♪" "♪ Upon the highest bough ♪" "♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪" "♪ Happy golden days ♪" "♪ Of yore ♪" "♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪" "♪ Gather near to us ♪" "♪ Once more ♪"