"[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[INAUDIBLE]" " [GUNSHOT]" " NARRATOR:" "Previously on..." "I'm doing this pretty big pilot." "Writing, directing, producing, starring in." "Don't even think about putting me on the call sheet if you're gonna have Wallace Fennel doing any of that pussy shit." "Ryan, baby, can I be in it?" "Uh, where do you think you're gonna find an Asian guy who's gonna let you beat him up?" " Uh, 28.22." " What's that?" "Oh!" "It's the Ghost of Beaver Past, son!" "Oh, I'm always happy to lend a hand, or voice, in my case, when it's a special project and a dear friend is at the helm." "I mean, look around." "This is a labor of love for everyone involved." "Okay, does that about do it?" "You know, I'd like to try one more, if that's okay." "Um, this time really hit the words "special" and "dear."" "You know, special project for my dear friend." "Ok, maybe this time you can just riff a little bit about how I inspire you as a performer and a human being." "Okay, you have got all of my scripted dialogue plus about ten takes of that making-of bullshit, you fuzzy little prick, and that is all you get." "Ooh, I can feel the vibrations from your throaty timbre deep within my loins." "[DEEP VOICE] I bet the ladies love it." "Your mother did." "[NORMAL VOICE] Ah." "Voice-over actors, man." "I'm telling you." "They're so high maintenance." "Let me let you in on a little secret." "It's just talking." "A total boob could do it." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "DICK:" "First Weevil, then Keith." "Danger now lurks around every corner, but so do I." "All I wanted was a nice weekend of sun and fun at my buddy's funeral." "But now death followed me around like a hungry dog." "And that dog wasn't the only thing looking for a bone." "DICK:" "I guess what they say is true." "No lock in the world could keep a thirsty chick from a tall drink of water." "Is that what they say?" "They do now." "Got a name?" " Yes." "It..." " It doesn't matter." " Can I ask you a question?" " You just did." "Ask me another one." "People everywhere are dying to the left and to the right." "The killer is still out there, but you remain as cool as a cucumber." "I didn't hear a question." "How do you do it, Dick Casablancas?" "Oh, you're about to find out." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "DICK:" "Some may say it's crass to take advantage of an emotionally vulnerable woman." "But those people are probably ugly." "What I just performed was a public service, like picking up trash at the beach or not farting on an airplane." "This was grief counseling, Dick-style." "And what about my grief?" "If you prick me, do I not bleed?" "Scratch that." "I ain't got time to bleed." "Ahh." "BEAVER:" "Covering all the angles, aren't you?" "Oh, yeah, she's super flexible." "Don't you worry, bro." "This case-solving factory, it's running 24-7, okay?" "I'm gonna find your killer." "I heard about Keith Mars." "That's a shame." "Wait, is he, um... ?" "Down... ?" "No, no." "He's..." "But, you know, you hear things." " Hear anything about Duncan?" " Mm-mm." "You know, I'm starting to wonder if his death was accidental after all." "He's the sole heir to Kane Software's 3D printing patents, worth billions." "That's something I call motive." "Makes sense to me." "Do you have any suspects?" "Negative." "Totally stumped." "I can't think of anyone who would want" "Duncan, Weevil and Keith all dead." "Well, every case is a puzzle, Dick, but with the top of the box missing." "No picture of what it's supposed to look like to guide you." "You just have to figure out how to put it together one piece at a time." "Truth, bro, but time... that's exactly what I'm running out of." "Well, what's the fastest way to solve a puzzle quickly?" "Start with the corners." "You ask a friend for help." "Ask a friend." "Mm." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "Veronica, Richard." "Looking good." "I assume." "Hey, I hate to bother you at a time like this, but, um," "I need your help." "I'm at Duncan's memorial service weekend getaway thing and..." "Well, you know what, just get here as soon as you can." "Oh, and, uh, sorry about your dad and all." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "Estos tacos son mortales!" "Yes, I hired a dialect coach for my Mexican lines." "I just think it's really important, especially in television, to respectfully represent other cultures." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[CLANK]" "It's gonna take more than a knife to slow me down." "Yeah, like a gun." "Yeah, a gun would probably do it." "[DUBBED IN DEEP VOICE] Then you'd better saddle up, cowboy." "This is your last ride." "[HISSES]" "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[BOTH GRUNTING]" "Ow." "You are not without skill." " Where did you study your craft?" " The Streets." "That was the name of my dojo I went to." "It was in the strip mall by my high school." "Allow me to impart another lesson!" "Argh!" "Ow." "Ow." "[YELLING]" "You fight honorably, Dick-san." "But I fight to win." "[YELLS]" "Oh!" "What is that?" "Ah!" "[GRUNTING]" "No." "Hyah!" "[YELLS]" "[GRUNTING]" "Why'd you kill Duncan, Weevil and Keith?" " Huh?" " I..." "Oh!" "I..." "Who do you work for?" "I work for..." "Ow!" "Who sent you?" "[GRUNTS]" "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "Spondoolie." "Who's behind this, Wiedman?" "Y... you know." "You've always known." "No, I don't know." "That's why I'm punching you out." "Wait." "No." " Veronica." " You're too late." "She's already dead." "Because you brought her here." "Do it." "Do it." "Do it!" "Uhh!" "Do it." "Do it." "No." "[LAUGHING]" "You're not even worth it." "Oh?" "[GRUNTS]" "MAN:" "So, Christopher, were you excited when, uh, Ryan asked you to be a part of this?" "Who's Ryan?" "MAN:" "Ryan Hansen." "The director." "The guy you did your death scene with?" "Ah." "You know what?" "I've been in this game a while." "I've played presidents, cops, villains, you name it." "I was on Walker, Texas Ranger." "It's a job." "I show up, I do the work, collect a check." "MAN:" "Except here." "The check part I mean." "Come again?" "MAN:" "Well, nobody's getting paid." "It's a microbudget." "Hm." "Veronica Mars." "Just who I was looking for." "I'm just here for Dick." "I bet you are." "But you'll have to settle for this." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[MOANING]" "[THUDS]" "Are you okay?" "I think so." "[GASPS]" "Ah!" "Recognize, bitch." "Do you know what time it is?" "It's about motherfucking time, that's what time it is." "Get your ass some Wallace!" "Yeah!" "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[INAUDIBLE]" " [GUNSHOT]" " NARRATOR:" "Previously on..." " Veronica." " You're too late." " I'm just here for Dick." " I bet you are." "But you'll have to settle for this!" "[MOANING]" " Are you okay?" " I think so." "Ah!" "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "Recognize, bitch." "Oh, my God, Wallace." "You just shot Madison." "To the untrained eye, perhaps." "That's not Madison." "Unh!" "[ALL GASP]" "Ah." "This is Celeste Kane, wife of Jake Kane, mother of Duncan Kane, whose funeral we were at today." "And, oh, my God." "She's the mystery woman." "[GASPING]" "How'd you know?" "Three words." "Contour of vagina." "I know Madison's like the palm of my hand." "Add that to Kane Software's 3D technology..." "Heh." "What did you tell me?" "We've only scratched the surface of what these machines can do." "Face masks so perfect..." "can fool almost anyone." "Suddenly, pieces have fallen into place." "Powers of de-Dick-tion." "What?" "Wow, Dick," "I never ever could've put all that together." "That's okay." "You know what?" "Someday you will get there." "But you are adorable, and that counts for something." "And as for you, now this is the time where you confess and tell us why you did it." "Because they ruined my life!" "Weevil sullied my daughter." "Keith, he accused my husband of murder." "And Veronica, she spirited away my little Duncan." "They all deserved to die, and I would've gotten away with it" " if it hadn't been for..." " Us meddling kids?" "I already said." " Vagina contour." " No." "This black kid." " Bitch." " That's no black kid." "Whitey say what?" "You're no killer, old friend." "No." "Please." "Don't." "Unh!" "Anybody want a donut?" " [GASPS]" " Duncan Kane." "Extraordinary." " Umm." " [GASPS]" "Ah!" "Duncan." "Is that really you?" "In the flesh." "Don't hate me." "My prodigal son." "Duncan must've figured out that his mom was planning his fake funeral so that she could gather all of her old enemies there so that she could murder them." "He then flew back from Australia so he could save Veronica's life." "Way ahead of you, Ace." "Hello, old friend." "[BOTH MOANING]" "Yeah, I know it's a little bit of a strange choice for Mercer the serial rapist from season three to be recast as Duncan Kane from seasons one and two." "Normally that kind of thing would bump me as an actor, but..." "I just got to make out with Veronica Mars!" "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[BOTH MOANING]" "I can't believe this shit." "My own son shot me." "Pipe down, Mom." "I winged you." "You'll live." "Why did he go through the trouble to look like Wallace?" "He needed a fall guy." "The police are picking up the real Wallace as we speak." " Airtight plan." " Yeah, again, though, I've been shot." "So if somebody could call an ambulance..." "I don't know, maybe help" " slow the bleeding." " You're not gonna stand in the way of our love again, Mom!" "Don't you get it?" "I'm not your perfect son." "I never was!" "Veronica, you said you wanted to take some time for your career..." " [BOTH MOANING]" " Yeah." "Right on." "Well, my work here is done." "Ha, ha, ha!" "Ay-oh!" "Spondoolie." "♪ Hm, yeah, mm-hm ♪" "♪ Uh-huh ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, 'kay ♪" "Go, Dick!" "Go, Dick!" "♪ All I fuck is bad bitches ♪ ♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪ ♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ No ♪ ♪ Bad bitches only ♪" "♪ Ain't no mediocre ♪ ♪ Don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I won't hit no mediocre ♪" "♪ You a bad bitch ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ All over the mediocre ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ Seven bitches with me ♪ ♪ Ain't none of them mediocre ♪" "♪ From they head to they toes ♪ ♪ They so far from mediocre ♪" "♪ Right hand in the air ♪ ♪ I solemnly swear ♪" "♪ I never fuck a bitch ♪ ♪ If she don't do her hair ♪" "♪ You won't get no dick if ♪ ♪ There's a bush down there ♪" "♪ I should see nothing but ♪ ♪ Pussy when I look down there ♪" "♪ You come fuck with a nigga ♪ ♪ What better to do ♪" "♪ He call and ask ♪ ♪ How you doing ♪" "♪ Tell him better than you, ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪" "♪ I'm kicked back with ♪ ♪ Four pieces like a Kit Kat ♪" "♪ Me fucking, if you ain't ♪ ♪ A dime, just forget that ♪" "♪ Pretty face, fat ass, ♪ ♪ If she don't have ♪" "♪ Have one of these, ♪ ♪ Well, I think I'll pass ♪" "♪ I just handed her the keys ♪ ♪ To a new drop Jag ♪" "♪ When she took it I took it back ♪" "♪ You shoulda asked for a Benz ♪ ♪ That's mediocre, bitch ♪" "♪ Bad bitches ♪ ♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪ ♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ No Bad bitches only ♪" "♪ Ain't no mediocre ♪ ♪ Don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I won't hit no mediocre ♪" "♪ You a bad bitch ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ All over the mediocre ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ Seven bitches with me ♪ ♪ Ain't none of them mediocre ♪" "♪ From they head to they toes ♪ ♪ They so far from mediocre ♪" "Yeah!" "Ow!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "It's almost like it's too good, right?" "Micro-budget just gave you a macro boner, am I right?" "Urp." "Ha, ha, ha!" "[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]" " So, Ryan..." " Yes." "Yeah, um... so, um..." "Yeah, uh..." "I..." "I'm afraid it's gonna be a pass." "Yeah, look, our demo, you know, they're, uh, they're... they're a bit more accustomed to, um... you know, a certain level of..." "Competence." "You know, Jeanie in reception can give you partial validation." "No, she can't, Thom." "I parked on the street." "You know, I took your one note." "No smart pills." "That's what ruined it." "A couple of smart pills could've saved this project." "You might be right, Ryan." "So... just so you know..." " MAN:" "Nice to see you." " You too." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "I'll admit it." "Yeah, I was a little choked when the CW passed, but turns out they're not the only pretty girl at the party." "Yeah, their loss was my gain." "Gave the footage to my agency, they shopped it around..." "Guess what?" " Dick's gone global." " [GUNSHOT]" "[DUBBED IN JAPANESE]" "_" "_" "_" "_" "They say you can't win 'em all..." "They don't know Dick." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[T.I.'S "NO MEDIOCRE" PLAYING]" "♪ Hm, yeah, mm-hm ♪" "♪ Uh-huh ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, 'kay ♪" "♪ On your couch ♪ ♪ Too sweet, hey ♪" "♪ All I fuck is bad bitches ♪ ♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪ ♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ No Bad bitches only ♪" "♪ Ain't no mediocre ♪ ♪ Don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I won't hit no mediocre ♪" "♪ You a bad bitch ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ All over the mediocre ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ Seven bitches with me ♪ ♪ Ain't none of them mediocre ♪" "♪ From they head to they toes ♪ ♪ They so far from mediocre ♪" "♪ Right hand in the air ♪ ♪ I solemnly swear ♪" "♪ I never fuck a bitch ♪ ♪ If she don't do her hair ♪" "♪ You won't get no dick if ♪ ♪ There's a bush down there ♪" "♪ I should see nothing but ♪ ♪ Pussy when I look down there ♪" "♪ You come fuck with a nigga ♪ ♪ What better to do ♪" "♪ He call and ask ♪ ♪ How you doing ♪" "♪ Tell him better than you ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪" "♪ I'm kicked back with ♪ ♪ Four pieces like a Kit Kat ♪" "♪ Me fucking, if you ain't ♪ ♪ A dime, just forget that ♪" "[RECORD SCRATCHES]" "♪ Pretty face, fat ass, ♪ ♪ If she don't have ♪" "♪ Have one of these, ♪ ♪ Well, I think I'll pass ♪" "♪ I just handed her the keys ♪ ♪ To a new drop Jag ♪" "♪ When she took it I took it back ♪" "♪ You shoulda asked for a Benz ♪ ♪ That's mediocre, bitch ♪" "♪ Bad bitches I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪ ♪ I don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ No Bad bitches only ♪" "♪ Ain't no mediocre ♪ ♪ Don't want no mediocre ♪" "♪ I won't hit no mediocre ♪" "♪ You a bad bitch ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ All over the mediocre ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ Seven, bad bitch ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ All over the mediocre ♪ ♪ Stunting on the mediocre ♪" "♪ Seven bitches with me ♪ ♪ Ain't none of them mediocre ♪" "♪ From they head to they toes ♪ ♪ They so far from mediocre ♪" "Hand." "[BOTH HISS]" "[♪ ♪ ♪]"