" Hi, Sophia." " Hi, Rose." "You're all dressed up." "Where are you going?" "The President is in town." "I'm going to his hotel to see his wife." "I just loved her in Father Knows Best." "Sophia, you're a little confused, honey." "That was Jane Wyatt." "The President was married to Jane Wyman." "That old crow from Falcon Crest?" "Well, they're not married anymore." "Now he's married to Nancy Davis." " From All About Eve?" " That's Bette Davis." "Who beat her kids with wire hangers?" "No, that was Joan Crawford." "The fat cop from Highway Patrol?" "That was Broderick Crawford." "The President was married to Broderick Crawford?" "And Mondale still lost?" "What an idiot!" "How does this dress look on me?" "Why worry?" "It'll soon be on the floor next to an empty Jack Daniel's bottle." "Blanche, I want to ask a question." "Who is the President married to?" " Nancy Reagan." " Of course." "The one he helps out of helicopters." "This idiot thinks he's married to Broderick Crawford." "Get some help, Rose." "Blanche, that outfit sure is risqué." "Oh, thank you!" "Would you check my clasp?" "Now, I just need those earrings you borrowed from me." " I put them back in your room." " Oh, no, not again?" " I didn't lose them." " Oh, you lose everything." "You lost our tickets to see Julio Iglesias." "You misplaced two sets of house keys." "You couldn't find your car at the airport." "I didn't lose those earrings." "I'll find them." "Hurry up." "I'm due there at six o'clock." "We've still got plenty of time." "It's only..." "Oh, sorry." "I forgot all about your tutoring session." " OK." "We were just finishing." " Hi, Blanche." "You look pretty." "You should see me with earrings." "So, what are you all doing?" " Algebra." " Why do I have to learn that?" "Because I had to learn to teach it!" "I'm checking the grammar in Mario's story for English." "This is really terrific." "It's not terrific." "It's just OK." "It is much better than OK." "Blanche, listen." "Don't read it." "You'll embarrass me." "All right." "I'll just read it from there to there." "OK?" "But then you'll miss the spirit of the whole piece." "Take it from here." ""On his first night in America, his uncle took him to a movie."" ""He felt more excited than ever in his life, watching that movie, because of the feeling he got, sitting there with those other people, laughing together, getting scared together."" ""He felt like they were his friends."" ""To him, that feeling was the feeling of living in America."" ""In America, you always felt like you were among friends."" "Mario, that's just beautiful." "You should hear it when I read it." " Hi, Rose." " Hi, Mario." "How about a snack?" "Sure." "I'm starving." "How about a herring sandwich on raisin bread?" "Oh, I'm gonna miss my bus." "Your bus doesn't leave till..." "See you tomorrow." "Bye, Rose, Blanche." "Adios, Teach." "Hasta mañana." "Maybe I should submit his story in the district contest." "I think you should." "He's a very special kid, Dorothy." "He really is." "I'm crazy about him." "He wants so much to learn." "He gets this look in his eyes when he's listening." "You don't see that very often." "I think that look is the whole reason that teachers teach." "Of course, there's a similar look that means, "I'm gonna slash your tires."" "But an experienced teacher can tell the difference." "I'm going to a party tonight." "Can I borrow your earrings?" "Of course, but why not wear your usual ones?" "Would you like to field that one, Rose?" "Blanche, I have looked all over the house." "I cannot find your earrings." "But I found the Julio Iglesias tickets." "Boy, we had great seats." "Blanche, I feel awful about this." "Oh, forget it." "I never intended to keep those earrings my entire life, like my momma did." "And my grandmomma." "And my great-grandmomma, who fashioned those earrings from the Civil War bullets that killed Great-Grandaddy." " I'll make this up to you." " Forget it." "No, I've already decided." "For one week I am going to be your personal videnfrogen." "Can one woman do that for another?" "Only if they're the same height." "What the hell is a weedenfrurgen?" "Videnfrogen." "It's a personal servant." "It's the only way to make up for this." "We've done it in my family for years." "Ever since Uncle Ben lost Lars Olsen's artificial leg." "It was the day of the big four-county toboggan race, and without his leg, Lars came in dead last." "That was a day to remember." "I think every American remembers where he was the day Lars lost that toboggan race." "Well, Uncle Ben felt just terrible." "I mean, Lars said he forgave him, but you could tell there were still hard feelings." "Lars kept trying to run Ben down with his bicycle." "But with only one leg," " how fast..." " [both] Could he pedal?" "Well, finally, Uncle Ben suggested something to clear the air properly." "For one week, he would be Lars's personal videnfrogen, and do whatever Lars wanted." "Lars agreed, and it worked." "It always works." "So, won't you give it a try?" "Fine, but not now." "I'm late for my date." "I'll grab those earrings." "See you later." " I'd better see if I can help." " Rose..." "Listen." "I'm going to ask a question that I know I'll hate myself for asking, but whatever happened to Lars's missing leg?" "They found it, at the annual Edelweiss and Jarlsberg Choral Festival." "Uncle had used it to beat off wolves when he set up the bleachers." "Just as I suspected." "Now I know why they say lying in the sun is dangerous." "Oh, Sophia, we've only been out here for... a little while." "At your age you don't need to worry about wrinkles." "Who's talking about wrinkles?" "I can't get up." "My butt is stuck to the chair." " I'll help you." " Oh, I'll do that." " That's alright, Rose." " That's what a servant is for." "I'm sorry." "I'm not comfortable having you work for me." "I am." "You wanna be my servant?" "I'm not talking about big things." "It's about little things, like doing your laundry." "My laundry's more fun, Rose." "Then I'll feel better about losing your earrings." "Ever see panties from the '20s, Rose?" "They got pockets." "Please, Blanche." "Oh, I just don't feel right." "You don't feel right?" "Well, what about me?" "What about the guilt that twists deeper and deeper inside me?" "What about the tortured days and the sleepless nights I've spent thinking of some way to make up for this?" "Oh, Blanche." "Don't be so selfish." "Let me be your videnfrogen." "All right." "Be my vleedenflugen." "Frogen." "Girls, terrific news!" "Remember Mario's story that I submitted in the contest?" "It won first prize!" "Why, Dorothy, that's wonderful!" "Anyway, I thought that tomorrow, when he comes for his lesson," "I would give him a surprise party to celebrate." "Oh, that's a great idea!" "I just love surprise parties." "Every year on my birthday, George took me to the Country Club, saying it would be a nice, quiet little dinner." "Then we'd walk into the dining room, and our friends, all from the finest families, would yell, "Surprise!"" "And every year I'd pretend to be surprised." "It always made George so happy." "But how could you fake it every year?" "Well, Dorothy, I faked it three times a week." "That always made George happy, too." "I've only been to one surprise party, but I'll never forget it." "It was for Grandma Nylund's 100th birthday." "She was from a whaling village, so we made that the theme." "We all dressed as Vikings, with helmets and spears." "And we all crowded into her little room over the barn, and she walked in and lit a candle." "And we yelled, "Surprise!"" "And she dropped dead right there." "We all thought that was such a nice way to go." "Dorothy..." "If I live to be 100, make me a promise." "I promise, Ma, no surprise party." "No, promise me a new apartment." "They make me crazy." "Well, I'd better start planning Mario's party." " Let me plan it." " Oh, you don't have to." "No, but I want to." "There's nothing I like better than planning a party." " Sure?" " Yes, there's nothing to it." "Well, fine, thanks." " Rose." " Yes." "Plan the party." "I went as fast as I could." "You forgot the peanut-butter vanilla ice cream." "That's Mario's favorite." "I was sure chocolate was his favorite." "That's why I bought it." "Oh, my goodness me!" "I think you're right." "Whose favorite is the peanut butter?" "Oh, it must be mine!" "Just put that in the freezer for me, would you, Rose?" "Mmm, videnfrogens, what a lovely idea." "If we'd had them in the old days, we wouldn't have had that disruptive Civil War." "Has anyone seen today's paper?" "Sophia left it on the lanai." "Just in time." "Rose, fetch the paper." "Okey-dokey." "Seems like you've gotten more comfortable giving Rose things to do." "Oh, well, deep down it still saddens me, but psychologically it's very important to Rose." "I just don't give her anything too demeaning." "Here." "Should I read it to you and massage your feet, like this morning?" "No." "Just be a good videnfrogen and keep your mouth shut." "I've heard there's an article in here about Mario's winning the contest." "God, there's a picture, and I'm in it." " Let's see." " No, I look terrible." "Oh, come on." "You always think you look terrible in pictures." "Let's see it." "Now, that's ugly." "[door opens]" "I think I hear him in the kitchen." "[whispers] Come on." "[all] Surprise!" "Louder next time." "My heart's still beating." "Sorry, Ma." "We thought you were Mario." "You'll have to scream louder to kill him." " Hi." "What's going on?" " Oh, Mario!" "You spoiled our surprise." "Sorry." "I'll come in again, totally unsuspecting." "[Mario] Here I come, suspecting nothing." "Surprise!" "Oh, this is great!" "What a surprise!" "But it's not my birthday." "I know, honey." "We're celebrating your winning that contest." "Oh, wow!" "Thank you." "We're so very, very proud of you." "And Dorothy says your friend Barbara was proud of you, too!" "[doorbell]" "Yes?" " Dorothy Zbornak?" " Yes." "Burt Nesbitt." "I'm looking for Mario Sanchez." " The school said he'd be here." " Yes, he..." "Is something wrong?" "I'm with the Immigration And Naturalization Service." "We believe he's in this country illegally." "Mario?" "You'll have to come with me." "[sighs] I can't sleep." "I just keep lying there, thinking about Mario's face when he heard he might be deported." " [Blanche] Well..." " Might be, not will be." "Maybe the judge will let him stay." "But it's all my fault." "I probably got him kicked out of the country." "He was here illegally." "You can't blame yourself." "You just have to trust the justice system." "That's easy for you to say." "You're not responsible for what happened." "Well, I know just how Dorothy feels." "When I was young, I witnessed a horse theft on Grandaddy's plantation." "I screamed for help." "Grandaddy got on his stallion and rode the thief down." "Then, to teach me about justice," "Grandaddy dragged that thief into court, with me as the star witness." "I had to testify in front of a packed courtroom." "You must have been terrified." "Oh, honey, I was." "I didn't know what to wear." "I only had two dresses." "One bright one, suitable for weddings or a cotillion, and one darker one, for funerals or a hanging." "See, my folks were poor." "I just had one of those reversible hanginglcotillion dresses." "Well, I picked the bright one." "Now, when I took the stand, a hush fell over that courtroom." "I told the judge what I'd seen, and after my testimony, that horse thief's fate was sealed." "Justice won the day!" "What's that got to do with what's going on now?" "Well, like any good story, mine was deliberately ambiguous, affording the listener the opportunity to glean from it whatever he may." "And I hate being left out of conversations." "[phone rings]" "Hello?" "Yes." "No, he isn't." "What?" "What?" "Oh..." "Oh, my God!" "Yes, er... all right." "All right." " [Blanche] What is it?" " Mario's uncle." "He's run away." " Oh, no!" "Where will he go?" " There's only one place I know." "[Rose] Oh, wait a minute." "We'll go with you, Dorothy." "[dramatic movie soundtrack and gunshots]" "[Dorothy] I can't see a thing." "What kind of a movie is this?" " [man] Rip his throat out!" " It's a musical, Rose." "I think that's Mario sitting down there in the front." "You girls stay here." "Oh, I just hate violent movies." " Shhh!" " It's like watching an autopsy." "Shhh!" "[Dorothy] Is this seat taken?" "[gunfire]" "Did I miss the part where he rips the guy's throat out?" "You've seen this movie six times, so you shouldn't mind a few questions." "Does this mean you've decided to run away, instead of going to see that judge?" "Well, I can't make you change your mind." "I can't even make you put an R in "February"." "But I'd like to talk about it." "That judge will send me back." "He might not." "Some people come here and stay." "You're looking at one." "Arnold Schwarzenegger." "He became an American citizen, started a whole new career, married a Kennedy." "Right now he's tearing off another guy's arm and hitting him with it, but you do see my point?" "I don't want to go back." "I know you don't, and I don't want you to go, either." "I wish I could say you won't have to, but I can't." "I promise you, though, that running away is not the answer." " Aaaargh!" " Whoa!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Mario." "I just..." "I never realized that ripping off a nose would leave that big a hole." "Anyway, I read a story once that said that... in America you always feel like you're among friends." "What do you think?" "That was just a story." "It was a true story." "Will you see that judge with me?" "Will you start putting an R in "February"?" "OK." "Let's go home." " OK, girls." "Let's go." " [Rose] Good." "Blanche!" "Dorothy, I just can't take my eyes off that man's body." "I want to see more." "He's covered with oil, wearing a loincloth." "How much more can you see?" "I don't know, but I'm going down front to find out." "Whoa!" "What time did Mario say he was coming?" "When he hears from the judge." "Why couldn't that judge decide at the hearing?" "I thought he was going to." "I spent 20 minutes giving him reasons why Mario should be allowed to stay." "He said "thank you" and excused us." "Blanche, I've made your lunch." "It's on the table." " Won't you join me, Dorothy?" " Thanks." "It might take my mind off Mario." " Did you make enough for three?" " Oh, yes." "Well, have yours when you've finished rotating my tires." "[doorbell]" "Yes?" "Hi." "I'm Sam Burns." "I'm a friend of Blanche's." " Oh, yeah, come in." " No, don't bother." "I just wanted to drop something off." "I found these between the cushions of my love seat." " Blanche's earrings!" " She left them there last week." "Oh, and er... she er..." "left her watch, too." "Her watch?" "Thank you." "I'll see that she gets them." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Blanche, could you come out here?" " What's wrong, honey?" " Er... that was Sam Burns." "He found these in his love seat." " My earrings!" "Thank you." " Aren't we forgetting?" " What?" " An apology." "Oh, honey, you don't have to apologize for sleeping with Sam." "Everybody does." "Blanche Devereaux, you sit down and shut up and listen." "I didn't sleep with him or lose the earrings." "You did." "Along with my watch, which I didn't know you'd borrowed." " I thought I said." " No." " I'm sorry." " Well, "sorry" doesn't cut it." "I've been making your bed, your breakfast, your stinking tuna sandwiches with the crusts cut off." "And for what?" "For nothing." "Well, it's all over." "You won't have this videnfrogen to kick around anymore." "What is all the shouting about?" "I'll explain later." "Right now I have to pour on a little Southern charm." "And if that doesn't work, I might have to eat Yankee crow." "[doorbell]" "I don't like that look." "Bad news." "They're sending me back." " Oh, Mario, I'm sorry." " It's not your fault." "Oh, but it's just..." "It's so unfair." "I can't believe it." "But we don't have to give up." "We'll fight this." "There are legal ways to keep you here, and tomorrow we'll find them." " I have to go tomorrow." " Then I'll do it myself, and we'll get you back here." "I promise." " I'm gonna miss you." " I'm gonna miss you, too." "Now, you keep up with your homework and tell me how you're doing." "I will." "I'll never forget you." "Huh!" "You won't have time to." "You'll be back here before you know it." "This is your home, where you belong." "You're what this country is all about." "Say goodbye to Rose and Blanche for me." "OK." "Adios, Teach." "Mario..." "So, I was doing it for your own good." "Treating you like a dog was really doing you a favor." "So, why don't we forget all about it?" "OK?" "Hmm?" " Mario's got to go home." " Oh, Dorothy!" "Oh..." " He asked me to say goodbye." " Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." "Boy, I could sure use a family hug now." "[Blanche] Oh, darling!" "Oh, honey." "[Rose] Dorothy, you've had a rough day." "I'll tell you what." "Get into bed, and I'll bring you a hot chocolate." " Oh, you needn't." " I want to." "I'll bring some cookies and move the TV in." " You don't have to bother." " Oh, it's no bother." "Thanks." "[Blanche sighs]" "You heard her, Blanche." "Get cracking."