"[cell door slams] [theme song playing]" "[cell door slams]" "[cell door slams]" "[moaning passionately]" "[breathing heavily]" "Oh, my God." "Horrible, wasn't it?" "[sighs]" "The worst. [Chuckles]" "You're really bad at that." "Can I do you?" "You don't have to ask." "I've never really..." "Gone down on a woman before?" "I mean..." "No." "[chuckles]" "What kind of a lesbian are you?" " The boob-touching kind." " [laughs]" "All right, well..." "Are you ready to take the plunge... so to speak?" "Are you gonna coach me through it?" "Yeah." "[both chuckle] [cell phone ringing] [groans] Shit." "Mmm." "Mmm." "[ringing continues]" "Shit." "What time is it in Amsterdam?" "I have no idea." " Okay, um, give me a second." " [ringing continues]" "I'm sorry, it's business. [Chuckles] [sighs] I'll be right back." "[Alex] Do you want a glass of water?" "Is that a part of it?" "Hydration?" "What the..." "Alex!" "[both grunting]" "Jesus!" "What the fuck?" "Stop, Sylvie!" " Stop it, Sylvie!" "Shit!" " Bitch!" " [gasping] - [Alex] Jesus." "She... she attacked me." " Are you fucking kidding?" " Stop." "Piper..." "She just broke in here." "I live here!" "She does." "That's my girlfriend, you whore." "No." "Get her the fuck out of here." "Okay, I will." "I'm gonna get her out of here and then we're gonna talk." "I said, get her out!" "Now!" "Sylvie." "Come on, Sylvie." "Your girlfriend?" "It's complicated, Piper." "This is so fucked up." "I'm sorry, I should've said something." "You think?" "Are you hurt?" "Did she hurt you?" "She punched me in the face." "Yes, it hurts." "Fuck, where is my other shoe?" "I just..." "I kept seeing you around and..." "You know, I liked you, and then when you called..." "Okay, stop it." "Please don't." "You're making it worse." " Here." " [sighs]" "Did you find your other shoe?" "Forget it." "What?" "You can't walk home without your shoes." "They're nice shoes." "[shoe thuds]" "They're from Marshalls." "Fuck you!" "[man speaking indistinctly on PA]" "Strip." "Good morning to you, too." "You wearing perfume?" "I am, in fact." "I put on a little spritz right before I left the house." "You have a good nose." "I put almond extract behind my ears sometimes." "Makes me smell like a cookie." " Hmm." " Anyway, let's get to the squat and cough." "Okay." "Well, well, there she is." " The prodigal daughter returns." " Yep." "It's not even 8:00 a.m. and I've already been felt up three times." " How was it?" " Not enough nipple play." " Funny." " [bag unzipping]" "So you don't wanna talk about it?" "I'm, uh, still processing, you know." "Awkward conversations with old people, bad cheese plates, a funeral, a wedding, malt liquor." "A whole lifetime in 48 hours." "You know what was so weird?" "Eating off of plates that weren't plastic." "They felt so heavy." "Did you by any chance have time?" "I did." "I'm afraid to ask." "It was great." "It was really great." "And that is such a cute part of Queens." "I've never spent much time there." "Did you go in?" "For a minute." "You know, it's doing really well." "There was even a line." "But you ordered something?" "Yes!" "I, um..." "One of those... the sweet..." " Vatrushki?" " Yes." " Vatrushki?" " Yes." "I do them with peach purée in the summertime." "Delicious." "It's such a beautiful place, Red." "I can really see why you are so proud of it." "Thank you." "Really." "My boys had told me business was bad, and, you know, from in here, there's nothing I can do." "Thank God they turned it around." "So, how was it with Larry?" "Bizarre, sad, officially over, and he fucked someone else." "He told you this?" "In the middle of a drunken, grief-stricken sexual encounter." "But you know what the weirdest thing was?" "I wasn't even mad." "At all." "It kind of made sense." "Tit for tat." "Or, well, tit for tit, as the case may be." "Oh, honey, you're a bigger woman than I am." " Who was it?" " I didn't wanna know." " Oh, bullshit." " No, really, I didn't wanna know." "He told me it was someone I know, and a name would just make it worse." "But you know who it probably was?" "Our neighbor, Natalie." "She's a Bikram teacher." "She's very touchy-feely, she's always offering us lots of free classes." "But who cares?" "It doesn't matter anyway." "We broke up." "I'm the one who cheated first, right?" "Some mail came for you." "It's from Vause." "And thank you for taking the time for me." "You will be getting some very nice lip gloss." "[woman on PA] Don't forget, ladies, your usual meal is 1,500 calories." "Be aware of overeating." "There's two waffles on there." "[chuckles]" "_" "_" "_" "You got something to say to me?" "My girls need your seat." "And when I'm done, they can have it." "[scoffs]" "Done yet?" "You are a very rude woman." "Oh, you wound me." "[laughter]" "Yo, damn, Vee!" "Yo, we like ballers up in here!" "Didn't I tell y'all?" "When you got something people want..." "Yo, this morning, Underbite Clementino was waiting for me in the bathroom to give me a back massage." " What?" " [Taystee] A back massage!" "Like I'm fucking Beyoncé in a yacht in Saint-Tropez, okay!" "[laughter] [clears throat]" "Make it rain, bitches." "[all shouting] [singsong voice] Commissary queen in the hizzy!" "[laughs] [normal voice] Fuck, this feels good." "I cleaned Chang out." "[as Chang] "You take-a the everything!" "Nothing reft for the other ladies."" "Yo, didn't I tell you that Vee was gonna take care of us?" "System work you, you got to find a way to work the system." " Amen!" " Gloria, hallelujah!" "Who cuts your hair?" "Danita?" "Hell, no!" "I wouldn't let that butcher near me with a pair of scissors." "I do it myself." "Don't look at the back, it's a mess." "What's the occasion?" "My son's coming to visit." "Ah..." "Well, don't be upset if he doesn't notice." "Boys are stupid." "They never notice things like that." "Michael hasn't seen me in a long time." "He's never come before." "Why not?" "He was pissed off." "Or ashamed." "Or both." "He turned me in." "So, you're strangling him at the beginning of the visit or at the end?" "He was only 12 and angry." "He's been through a lot." "I'm gonna sit back, let him vent." "You know, get it all out." "Well, if it were me, I'd kick him to death, but we all have our own way of parenting." "Gandhi did it to protest the caste system." "It's the only way to make a real difference." "You're wasting your breath." "You're not gonna convince this crowd not to eat." "She's right." "I mean, this oatmeal tastes like a bowl of chunky boogers, but fuck if it isn't comforting to keep shoveling it in." "So I suppose you're all happy with the way things are going?" "You think the conditions in this prison are perfectly fine?" "That federal money should be spent on making women shower in feces-soaked stalls and face physical abuse if they resist?" "Come on, Jane Fonda, have a little bit of sausage." "Yeah, just a little bite." "You look a bit pale." "How many days has it been?" "Come on, leave her alone." "[Brook] Sister?" "I thought you of all people would support me." "Oh, honey, it's not Guantanamo." "[scoffs] Yeah!" "[Nicky] Yeah, move over, Soso." "Fine." "I'll do it alone." "[sighs]" " [chuckles] - [spits]" "That is really disrespectful." "How was furlough?" "Did you bring me back a T-shirt?" "Holy shit, dude." "Well, what's it say?" "Wait, let me guess." "Oh." "[as Alex] "Hey, girl, uh, sorry I fucked you over in Chicago." ""It was for your own good." "Let me lick your pussy."" "Probably, but I don't know." " I haven't read it." " [normal voice] What?" "Man, that's some serious willpower right there." "Aren't you curious?" "Of course I'm curious." "It's the first one I haven't thrown away." "So, fucking read it already." " I'll do it." " No!" "No, no, no, no, no." "That is exactly what she wants." "Yes, that is generally what people want when they send a piece of correspondence." "What could she possibly say that I want to hear?" " [sighs]" " Hmm?" "She's a liar." "She's always been a liar." "From the very beginning." "Doesn't everyone lie to everyone?" "She knows that if she keeps sending these, eventually I will crack, and then she'll apologize, and she'll say all the right things, and fuck that!" "But you're not gonna throw it away either." " You miss her." " Of course I miss her." "I hate that she has this hold on me." "I'm so sick of it." "The oatmeal tastes like snot." "[Alex] I'll take a... shot. [Sylvia] Shot!" "[Alex] It's all good." "[Chuckles] Okay, I got this one." "[coin clatters] [laughing] Oh, that was terrible!" "Mmm!" "Whoo!" "[indistinct conversations]" "Hey." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I just, um..." " I heard about the burlesque show." " [chuckles] Oh." " You?" " My friend Rachel's in it." "She does this routine with a Ray Romano puppet." "It's surprisingly sexy." "[both laugh]" "Ugh..." "Look, I'm really sorry about that night, Piper." "I'm not a shady person." "Oh, come on, don't worry about it." "I mean, I've never been punched before." "It was probably a good life experience." "[chuckles]" "I meant it when I said that things were complicated." "I'm new to this whole relationship thing." "You know, I don't..." "I don't know the rules." "That's the whole problem, isn't it?" "Rules aren't any fun." "[door opens]" "Listen, I don't want to stand in the way of true love." "I mean, if that is your future wife out there, by all means, tell me to back off." "But you pursued me, and I liked it." "I've..." "I've never felt..." "You know, I've never really thought of myself as a very sexual person, but... ever since..." "I want to taste what you taste like." "[man speaking indistinctly on PA]" "What were they serving in there, Red?" "Humble pie?" "Crow?" "Whipped old lady?" "Been practicing those?" "High horse hamburger?" "Egg on your face?" "Did you eat your hat?" "[hand slaps] [laughs]" " Hey, bud." " [Bennett] Hey." "How you doing?" "[Chuckles]" "Did you cry it out the other night after your little lady meltdown?" "Oh, come on, man, relax." "Shit, loosen up." "It's like my mom used to say, "Wipe that puss off your face."" "'Course that was before I learned I liked puss on my face." "[chuckles]" "It's a new day, Benerino." "[knock on door]" "What the fuck is this?" "The Big House Bugle?" "Clearly you supported this prisoner propaganda." "They did a nice cover story on me." "And none of you morons caught on that the walrus in the comic is Healy?" "I thought it was pretty funny." "And who do you think is the pig in high heels carrying around the bags of money?" "You got me there." "[gasps] Oh." "Who's in charge of this garbage?" "That would be Chapman." "Inmate-in-chief." "I don't want to see this shit again." "You might want to reconsider." "You can use all the journalistic spin you can get." "Why?" "Your favorite rapist guard has exceeded all expectations." "The Diaz girl is pregnant." "Are you sure?" "Tested her this morning." "[sighs] Jesus." "Big, bad baby daddy, and you brought him back." "Fuck me." "I gotta get out in front of this." "Mendez can't know anything until I frame the whole thing." "You're keeping him at work?" "Just until I get my ducks in a row." "This thing has to be handled right." "You want me to keep this under wraps, you're gonna have to do something for me." "What?" "When it's time..." "I get to fire the bastard." "Fine." "So, why a Russian?" "I don't know." "I just..." "I did some online research, and I found that the top-rated mail order sites were either Eastern European or Oriental, so..." "I figured there'd be less cultural barriers with the Russians." "And there was money exchanged?" "I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with..." "You know, I don't..." "I don't need your judgment, okay?" "'Cause from the looks of it, you know," "I'm guessing your love life isn't so hot either." "Perhaps you're projecting your experiences onto me, Sam." "Let's cut the fucking psychobabble, okay?" "I have a wife that I paid for." "So fucking what?" "I don't need you going around throwing out these textbook terms like some condescending know-it-all." "This is what I do for a living, too." "I'm a counselor." "Why did you come here?" "You know, I don't fucking know why I came here." "Because I don't need your fucking help." "Because I'm the one that's helping people." "All day long." "Do you?" "Do you really help people?" "You bet your ass I do." "Man, these tracks itching something fierce." "I gotta get these to Vee so she can get 'em out to her people." "How many stamps do you need to send stamps?" "Yo, you got a second?" "I know y'all are dealing." "Yeah, so?" "So, you lied to me, T." "Like you never sold drugs." "I sold weed." "Not real shit." "Real enough to get your ass locked in here." " [scoffs]" " So don't be acting all high siddity." "In case you ain't noticed, this place is full of criminals." "And we're two of 'em." "Three, if you include cuckoo over here." "Yo, we's getting paid, man." "Our crew rules." "Fuck the police!" "Oh, what, now you all gangster?" "[Scoffs]" "Man, y'all are fucking brainwashed." "You're jealous." "Jealous of what?" "You acting like a hood rat corner kid?" "You don't know where I come from." "I ain't have no daddy in the army, parents looking out for me, and a fucking winter coat, you bougie bitch." "So don't pretend like you know me or my people." "I thought you wanted to be better than that." "Get the fuck out of my bunk." "Yo, it's a sweep." "[inmate] They sweeping. [guard] Make sure they're blocked off!" "Let's go, ladies!" "[Donaldson] Inmates, outside your bunks, now!" "Don't move a muscle." "I see you swallow anything or tuck anything away, your ass goes to the box." "[woman speaking indistinctly on walkie-talkie]" "Oh!" "I think I did the left side too much." "Right?" "The arch is too high?" "Eh, it kind of looks like you're really skeptical about everything." "I think the leery look is hot, you know?" " [O'Neill] A-Dorm!" "Sweep time!" " Fuck!" "They're gonna take my lipstick." "[O'Neill] Sweep time, ladies!" "[Nicky] Fuck!" "Shit!" "Son of a..." "Inmate, outside!" "[objects clattering]" "Illegal foodstuffs." "That's a shot." "Nail polish." "Sharp tweezers." "[Maxwell] There goes your phone time, inmate." "Jackpot!" "I doubt these are super absorbent, huh?" "Whose bunk is this?" "Watson." "How much these little rollies going for, huh?" "Got yourself a little business?" "No, sir." "Don't you "no, sir" me!" "You start marching your pretty black ass to the SHU." "I know how much you love it in there." "Move!" "[Maxwell] I'll take that." "[woman speaking indistinctly on walkie-talkie] [woman speaking indistinctly on PA]" "Aww. [Chuckles]" "You have my card." " Kids are cute, right?" " Mmm." "It was between this or some cats that said, "You're purr-fect!"" "Yeah." "I made the right choice." " [metal clanks] - [sighs]" "[whispering] You look so different." "Softer somehow." "In a good way." "[sniffs]" "I'm gonna let you keep that." "[Pornstache] Clear!" "Jesus, what a haul!" "I'm taking this home after I rip it open to check for drugs." "It's adorable." "Look at all this stuff." "There are some serious open channels here." "Here, smell this, would ya?" "[sniffs] Whoa, that's awful." "Smell it." "[sniffs] Oh, it smells like poo." "Yeah, it all smells like poo." "You know what that means?" "It's all coming in through the rectal pipeline." "Someone has been slacking with the squat and cough." "You know what this means?" "It's not enough to look, we gotta start probing." "We can't touch 'em." "It's illegal." "I'm not sticking my arm up there." "What about a finger?" "What's wrong with that?" "A finger's nice once in a while." "[Kowalski] Visual inspections only." "Tiny little finger?" "Come on." "I don't know about you all, but I'm ready to be the hero." "Nothing's getting past me." "You didn't see what you thought you saw, end of story." " What was it, then?" " Oh, Jesus, really?" "Look, I'm not gonna leave you alone." "I'm not doing anything." "Do you wanna join me in the bathroom?" "'Cause that's where I'm headed." "To take a dump." "Come on, you can hand me neatly folded squares of paper like you're the groom of the stole and I'm Henry VIII." "Well, how would you rate your state of mind today?" "A four?" "You having any angry thoughts?" "They coming up regularly for you?" "[chuckles]" "Are you having angry thoughts that are coming up regularly?" "That's projection." "What does that mean?" "You have any idea what I do for a living?" "What my job is?" "Of course I do." "[chuckles] You fill out the paperworks for the ladies that get shots." "I provide guidance." "I counsel people with their problems." "Oh." "I'm thinking about starting a support group." "It's a therapy thing." "I think the women here could really use it." "There are some angry bitches around here." "[chuckles softly]" "But you know that ain't nobody gonna do nothing without getting something from it." "They will be getting something." "Help with their problems." "No, I'm talking about, like, free donuts, or days off work." "I've, uh, printed out some flyers." "I'd like you to distribute them." "All right, Mr. Healy, but I'm telling you, no one's gonna come on their own." "You're underestimating them." "These women have been through a lot." "They'll come." "[scoffs]" "Didn't realize y'all had such literary interests." "Yeah, well, we were hoping you could make a few suggestions." "'Cause from what I hear, you're quite the little critic." " Yeah, I got some thoughts." " Yeah?" "Yeah, and some questions." "Like why you let my girl Janae get dragged off to seg." "Well, she knew better than to keep contraband in her bunk." "[scoffs]" "Guess she got a lot of alone time now to think about it." "She'll be fine, so long as she thinks and doesn't speak." "[clears throat]" "You in or out?" "The library is prime real estate for us." "Look, you got your spot." "Deal out of there." "There's no reason for the inmates to flow through the warehouse." "There's no excuse to browse." "Plus, the hacks got a taste of blood." "It's only a matter of time before they sweep all the work sites." "[scoffs]" "I ain't no corner girl." "I like this spot." "So you either get your ass in line or request a transfer." "I hear Electrical is looking." "You feel me?" "I ain't going nowhere." "You feel me?" "[sighs]" "Miss Diaz, we just need verbal confirmation that Officer Mendez forced himself on you." "Can you provide that?" "Didn't you see it?" "This is for our paperwork." "Joe, I think Miss Diaz would be more comfortable if you weren't in the room." "[breathes deeply]" "[door closes]" "Look, there are laws in place which criminalize sex between prisoners and prison staff." "Which means that employees who engage in sexual misconduct cannot claim consent as a defense." "So, officially it's a rape, yes, and we're all gonna call it that." "But I need to know, girl-to-girl... was it consensual?" "Listen, I get it." "You're lonely, you want to flirt a little." "Attention from a guard makes you feel special." "I mean, those uniforms alone can be a real turn-on, right?" "So, just between us, I need to know if you encouraged him." " Yes." " I thought as much." "Well, you've created quite a headache for me, young lady." "And now not only am I responsible for you, but for your little spawn of the system." "So, do me a favor, sweetheart, from now on, keep your legs closed." "Congratulations." "You've officially destroyed a man's life." "No, you gotta tell her that if the bank is closed on Sunday, that there's no fucking late fee if you pay her Monday morning." " That shit's not right." " I did." "And she's still trying to charge you?" "Mmm-hmm." "Okay, so here's what you gotta do." "You get a baseball bat, the wood kind, not the fucking metal kind, and a big trash bag, the black kind, not the see-through kind..." "Michael, you look all grown up." "You must have grown, like, 4 inches." "It's "Mike" now." "Ah." "Now, take a look at his feet." "I told him he's as tall lying down as he is standing up." "Anything you want to say to me... you can say it, okay?" "Well, you know, maybe we should play a game." "Hmm?" "They got a deck of cards over there by the kids' stuff." "Huh?" "[woman on PA] When in the Visitation Room, you're allowed two hugs, one on arrival and one on departure." "Well, they still didn't fix the bathrooms, and they were supposed to put in a retaining wall by the lake, but there's just a couple of sandbags." "Well, I ran the name FCP and it doesn't exist." "No trace of the company." "You sure that's the name you saw on the truck?" "Yeah, I'm positive." "Well, my guess is that the prison is giving inflated contracts to companies that are either shells or subsidiaries of FitzCORE, and FitzCORE is paying kickbacks into the Jason Figueroa campaign." "What I need are invoices, so I can see who's getting paid." "Right." "Well, [sighs] what about..." "What about photos of all the unfinished work?" "If I could get you a camera..." "No, why don't you get me an iPhone so then I can take pictures and play Candy Crush?" "Are you insane?" "I told you before," "I'm not risking my freedom for your fucking byline." "Piper, this woman is a criminal." "Yeah?" "Well, so am I." "Collecting twos?" "Nope." "Better for me. [Chuckles]" "You sure about that?" "[chuckles] Whoo-hoo!" "You're kicking my ass here." "Yep." "My turn to deal." "[sighs]" "Thank you." "Mr. Nance, what brings you here?" "Miss Figueroa, how are you?" "Better once I know what the fuck you're doing in my prison." "I was... visiting a friend." "And what friend might that be?" "You know, I've called your office a bunch of times." "Have you?" "I can find out whose list you're on in five seconds flat, so there's no need to play games here." "Piper Chapman." "Piper Chapman." "And how do you know Piper Chapman?" "We have... mutual friends." "Mmm." " What are you doing with my... [bleep]." " Bye-bye. [Bleep] [men talking indistinctly on TV] [sighs]" "You seeing this shit?" "I mean, it's like she's got a fucking hit out on me." "I think she wants some of those cheese puffs you got." "Maybe just give her a few." "Oh, yeah, that must be it." "She's after my puffs." "Hmm." "[man on PA] Morello, you have a visitor." "Report to Visitation, Morello." "That's you, kid." "I'm not expecting anybody." "Maybe it's my sister." "Jeez, I hope there's nothing wrong." "How do I look?" " Looking hot." " All right." "[man shouting on TV]" "Stop!" "Man, or at least get in here where I can see you." "How much longer is this shit gonna go on for?" "You need to take it to Red." "I don't know what you're talking about." "[man shouting on TV]" "You really think I'm gonna throw away two years of sobriety for one little high?" "I saw Tricia get wheeled out of here in a body bag." "How stupid do you think I am?" "[sighs] [man speaking indistinctly on PA]" "Well, hello." "Hi." "Don't you fucking touch me." "Sit down." "It's nice to see you." "I like your sweater." "Listen to me." "I know you broke into my house." "I don't know how you did it, but you did." "Now, the cops don't believe me, but I know it was you." "I don't understand." "Why did you come here?" "Because I want to hear you say it." " Tell me it was you." " I don't know what you're talking about." "So, clearly your time in prison has done nothing to bring you back into reality, you psycho." "I swear to God... if you come near me, or my family, or my wife again, ever," "I will kill you." "With my bare fucking hands, I will choke you until you are dead." "Could you keep your voice down just a little?" "You..." "Are you out of..." "Why?" "You want me to keep my voice down so your criminal friends in here won't know that you're a mental case who broke out of prison to stalk me?" "[mouthing] Is that him?" "What is that?" "Are you trying to keep up this lunatic charade?" " Pretend that I'm your boyfriend?" " No." "I don't know this woman, okay?" "We went on one date!" "One!" "She's a fucking stalker!" "[Ford] Sir, you need to leave now." "She's fucking dangerous!" " Leave, now." " Hey..." "She..." "You know she broke out of here, right?" "She's a psycho bitch!" " Sorry." " [Ford] Come on." "Hey, man, I'm not the criminal here, okay?" "[sobbing]" "[Lorna continues sobbing]" "Shh... [breathing heavily]" "I'm crazy." "I'm a crazy person." "There is something really wrong with me." "I mean, there's something wrong with all of us." "Like, otherwise we wouldn't be in here." "[softly] No, I did something bad." "Really bad." "When I was supposed to be at the hospital," "I stole the van and I went to his house in Albany." "Are you serious?" "Do you know what could happen if you got caught?" "I think they charge you with felony escape." "Triple your sentence." "I know." "Believe me, I know." "Well, don't fucking do that again, you maniac." "Seriously." "It's a miracle that you didn't get caught." "I just wanted to see him." "But he is so mean." "I mean, he's really mean." "He's not the man that I thought he was." "Do you hate me?" "[chuckles] No, I don't hate you." "Well, it is getting clearer every second that you're totally bat-shit crazy, but you're a beautiful, sweet girl." "[clicks tongue]" "Fuck this guy." "So many people are gonna love you." "No." "No, nobody's gonna love me." "I do." " Come here." " [sniffling]" "[sighs]" "Hi, Larry." "It's me." "Listen, I know that I said" "I didn't wanna know who it was, and I didn't." "But being in here, it just has a way of making you obsess and feel a little crazy." "Jealous." "So, I know this is totally unfair, but it's how I feel." "So I just think it would be better if I knew." "If I just knew who it was, and then I could stop guessing." "Your phone time is up." "I..." "I'm just..." "Um, bye." "That's right." "Move along." "I was done anyway." "I'm not gay." "I'm not." "I'm just experimenting." "I don't know." "Maybe all of the guys that I've been with so far have just been really bad in bed, but I'm telling you, it's like I just discovered what sex is supposed to be." " But she has a girlfriend?" " Mmm..." "She had a girlfriend." "They were having problems." "It's over." " For sure?" " Yeah." "I don't know, Piper." "[doorbell rings]" "Who is that?" "[gasps]" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "There's shit in that bag!" "You fell for that?" "That's like the oldest trick in the book." "What is the oldest trick in the book?" "Poop?" "In a bag?" "On fire?" "Yes, my brother and his friends used to do it." "It's so fucking stupid." "It's a prank." "[Piper] Oh!" "Ugh!" "Oh, my God." " It's her." " Who?" " Sylvia." "Alex's ex." " Really?" "Yes, she's fucking crazy." "She attacked me." "This is..." "This is her, I know it." "Do you think it's human shit?" "No, I mean, this is..." "This is dog shit, right?" "I mean, if she's really as crazy as you say..." "You don't think that she squatted and pooped in a bag, do you?" "Well, she did get her point across." "I'll give her that much." "Lesbians are insane." "I can't believe she said that to you." "The fucking nerve!" "Jesus." "She was right." "I seduced him." "We set him up." "Yeah, but she doesn't know that." "It's wrong." "He's going to jail, John." "What is the alternative?" "What, you want me to..." "You want me to stand up and shout, "Hey, everyone, that's my baby in there"?" "You know, in my neighborhood, real men stand up and claim their kids." "We're not in your neighborhood, are we?" "I mean, what the fuck do you want from me, Daya?" "I want you to stand up and tell the world that you love me." "That is insane." "They would cart me off in front of the local news." " Is that what you want?" " No." "Yes." "I don't know what I want." "It just feels really bad." " Daya, I would go to jail." " [sighs]" "Well, then at least we'll be even." "[man speaking indistinctly on PA] [indistinct conversations]" "If you're here to mock me, I don't have the energy to argue." "Everything hurts." "I'm not here to make fun of you." "Really?" "I watched a friend get taken to the SHU yesterday." "That's the second time she's been in there, and the first time was rough." "I'm sick and tired of the guards using solitary like it's some kind of toddler timeout." "These are not violent offenders." "It's inhumane and it's torture." "I think what you're doing is very, very brave." "You are a true activist." "Did you hand out all the flyers I gave you?" "'Course I did." "Yes, sir." "But I really don't think anybody's gonna..." "I know, Doggett." "I got it." "[man speaking indistinctly on PA]" " Hey, Pol!" " Hi." " Oh, my gosh, you're so skinny." " Oh. [Chuckles]" "Your big pregnancy ass is gone!" "I know." "I am so sorry it's been so long." "And, Pipe, I'm sorry about Celeste." "I should have been at the funeral." "I just..." "I'm not making that much milk, and pumping is really hard." "Larry says you've been lost in the baby fog." "I feel horrible." "You lost someone." "I should have been there for you." "I'm so, so sorry." " It was really shitty of me." " Stop, it's fine." "It's not." "It's not fine." "You needed me and I wasn't there." "I've been a really bad friend." "Like, the worst." "You don't deserve that." "You don't deserve any of this." " How is mommy life?" " Hard." "It's so much harder than anyone tells you." "I feel like I've lost my mind." "I'm not myself." " Is Pete being good?" " Pete took off to Alaska." "It was weird and totally horrible of him." "Have you seen Larry a lot?" "No." "Why, did he tell you that?" "I mean, just when Pete was gone." "He helped me a lot with Finn." "Oh." "Are you guys still talking a lot?" "Well, we just spent the past 48 hours together." "How did that go?" "We had sex." "Well, we started to." "At my grandmother's wake." "Really?" "Does that surprise you?" "Uh, well, yeah, I thought you ended things." "He was my fiancé, Polly." "There's still a lot of love there." "Of course." "He slept with someone else." "Really?" "Did he tell you that?" "No, why would he tell me that?" "You two... have been talking." "You're close." "He's been helping you with Finn." "Oh, we're not that close." "Um... what did he tell you?" "That it was someone I know." "I think he was feeling pretty guilty." "He probably felt like it was a mistake." "He doesn't want to hurt you." "I'm sure that he doesn't." "[Piper] Do you think she's gonna murder me?" "Just how unstable is this Sylvia person?" " [chuckles] It was a joke." " It was not a joke!" "It was a very clear message." ""I know what you did, bitch, and I want you to know that I know."" "Look, being with you was my choice. [Sighs]" "I wasn't happy." "And then I took advantage of that." "[chuckling] I'm a grown-up, Piper." "Do you think that she's gonna come after me?" "Look, I think that she needed to get it out of her system, all right?" "Sometimes you gotta rage in order to move on." "Did you love her?" "No." "But I love you." "You do?" "[chuckles]" "I don't say that to everyone." "You have to say it back." "I love you, too." "[chuckles]" "[both chuckle]" "[grunting]" "Do you wanna talk about it?" "No." "Remember I told you that my fiancé fucked somebody else?" "Yeah." "It was my best friend." "Oh. [Sighs]" "Can I be alone for a minute, please?" "Sure, honey." "Honey, you don't drink poison and wait for it to kill your enemy." "Stop hitting walls and plot your revenge." "[sighs]" "[sniffs] Oh, fuck!" "[bag thuds]" "[sighs]" "[Vee sighs]" "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" "You know, I think I'd like to join your little gardening club." "We're not accepting new members." "A tunnel, Red?" "[Chuckles] That is so Bugs Bunny." "What are you gonna do, turn me in?" "No, I'm gonna use it." "You have your own operation." "Yeah, I know, but this is better." "Fewer people involved and no unstable vendor connections." " You're not taking it." " No, no, no, no, no." "I wouldn't want to deprive your girls of their shit-flavored panty hose." "We could share." "[chuckles]" "You don't know how to share." "Just to take and to bully." "We used to be friends once." "I want to be friends again, man!" "Some friend." "Will you think about it, huh?" "And would you think about how much you've changed over the years?" "People change, Red." "Hey." "Nicky." "Do you think people can change?" "[Nicky sighs] All right." "I need you to take this from me, 'cause I'm gonna do it." "And I really, really don't want to." "[sighs]" "Who gave that to you?" "Taystee." "It came from Vee." "I'm so sorry, Red." "I let you down." " No, you didn't." " Yeah. [Chuckles]" "You brought it here." "You did good, Nicky." "You did." "[sighs]" "Hey, girl, steady there." "I'm fine." "I'm good." " Yo, Vee!" " [spits] Yeah." " Fuck you." " Oh, shit, girl, you blind drunk." "You want to take my fucking job assignment?" "You want to take all my friends?" "Well, fuck you!" "Somebody get her out of here before she hurts herself." " Hey!" "The..." " Fuck you!" "Shit!" "Fuck you!" " Fuck!" " Don't you touch her!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "[grunting]" "Ow!" "[groaning]" "That's what you get when you don't listen!" "That's what you get!" "[Poussey sobbing] [yells] [grunts]" "[sobbing continues] [breathing heavily]" "[Poussey] No." "[sobbing continues]" "[phone buttons clicking] [line ringing] [cell phone rings]" "Hello?" "[woman] An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you." "To accept this call, please press "one."" "[cell phone beeps]" " Cal's phone." " Neri, hey, is Cal there?" "No, he's out foraging in the forest for greens that taste really green." "But he's probably almost done." "Should I go get him?" "Actually, maybe you can help me." "[chuckling] Yeah, sister-in-law!" "Whatever you need, dude." "I need you to do me a favor." "It's a big one." "[doorbell rings]" "[sighs]" "I deserve that." "Bam." " All right." " Hey." "I'm proud of you." "Then get the fuck out of here." " What was that about?" " Nothing." "You ever seen an image that sears itself into your brain?" "Like the movie about the hiker guy, where he cuts off his own arm with a Swiss Army knife?" "Yeah, the sound, the tendons..." "Fuck!" "I wish I never watched that part." "You know what tops that for me?" "You know what image I can't unsee, it's still stuck in there, flickering at least once a day, making me want to lose my lunch?" "No, sir." "Your bare ass, Mendez." "Your pimply, white ass, bouncing up and down between the brooms and the mops, ramming into that poor girl." "A girl you were supposed to protect and keep safe." "Your ass, it haunts me." "I'm sorry to hear that, sir." "I've been doing this kind of work 25 years." "And it's guys like you that give the whole profession a bad name." "If it was up to me, you'd never set foot on this property again." "But considering the DOC didn't press charges, it was your word against mine... until now." "Well, I've been doing my job, sir." "Just gave out 15 shots this morning." "You got her pregnant." "No." "Mmm." "Sadly for her, yes." "That poor girl is carrying around a sadistic little mustachioed shit inside her." " Whoa." " Mendez... you're fucking fired." "I understand, sir." "[chuckles]" "Mmm-mmm." "No, I..." "I don't think you do understand." "You're also under arrest." "[handcuffs click] [officer] We're in." "Let me get that for ya." "[officer] All right, let's go." "We're reporting from Litchfield Federal Penitentiary, where the arrest of Correctional Officer George Mendez on charges of sexual assault is underway." "[man] There she is!" "[male reporter] I'm here with Natalie Figueroa," "Assistant Warden of Litchfield prison, and wife of Jason Figueroa, who is currently running for state senate." "Miss Figueroa, were you aware of misconduct among your officers?" "Here at Litchfield, we have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to sexual offenders." "Since the Prison Rape Elimination Act, we have made it our mandate to weed out rogue officers." "These vulnerable women are under our care, and we do everything in our power to protect them." "Of course, there are still bad people in this world who commit heinous crimes, and it is unfortunate that one of these sickos ended up under our roof." "But I assure you, we are doing everything in our power to take care of this young woman, who is the real victim here." " Wait for me, baby." " All right, keep it moving." "You know what?" "I don't care anymore." "Go ahead, arrest me!" "I love this woman!" "You hear me?" "That is my baby in there, and I fucking love you!" "[officer] Hey, hey!" "I want to call it Stan, okay?" "Don't lift anything heavy!" "And no tuna fish!" "Or soft cheese." "I'm coming back for you, baby!" "I'm gonna take care of you!" "Both of you!" "[officer] Let's go." "You're done here." "[rock music playing]"