"That was very nice, Mindy." "Okay." "Jake, we're ready to hear your report." " Jake?" " Just a sec." "Now, Jake." "Okay, I'm finished." " Does spelling and grammar count?" " It's an oral report, Jake." "Oh, so it's like an oral thermometer." "Right." "Good thing it's not a rectal report." " Just read it." " Okay." ""My Weekend, by Jake Harper." "Grade five, Mrs. Flanigan's class." "Woodward Avenue Elementary School, located on Woodward Avenue."" "I'm not counting words." "Oh, good." ""My weekend starts on Friday, when my mom takes me to my dad's house." "Which is actually my Uncle Charlie's house." "Who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle." "His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my Uncle Charlie."" "Anyway..." ""Even though my parents are divorced, they still get along."" " Hey, buddy." " Hey, Dad." " How was your week?" " Just fine." " Bye, honey." " Bye, Mom." " Thanks for bringing him." " Bite me." "What the hell went on last weekend?" " What are you talking about?" "When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack." "Well, Judith you do." "That's not the point." "Where'd he get the chip?" "Where is he learning this behavior?" "Hey, Judith." "Looking good." "Run away, run away." "Did you give my son a $25 chip?" " No, I did not give him a $25 chip." " Happy?" "He won it, fair and square." "You couldn't run away." "I don't care what you do on weekdays." "But on weekends, remember you are a role model for an 11 -year-old boy." "Oh, that's a bad idea." "Who thought of that?" "I'm warning you." "Things had better change or there will be consequences." "Legal consequences." "Got it?" " Got it." " Goodbye." ""There will be serious consequences." "Legal consequences."" ""I don't care what you do during the week." "But on the weekends, you're a role model."" "I enjoy talking this way." "As do I." ""Friday night, I stayed up late." "I watched all three Austin Power movies with my dad." "We ate Chinese food and Buffalo wings." "Dad fell asleep during The Spy Who Shagged Me which, in my opinion, is the strongest of the trilogy." "By the way, 'shag' means 'sex' in England."" "Just read, Jake." "That was a footnote." " Read." " Okay." ""I woke up later with a stomachache but felt better after I went to the bathroom."" "If you know what I mean." " Jake." " What?" "It's not like I said:" ""I took a dump."" ""Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn 't." "Probably because I was thirsty." "So I went into the kitchen for what Uncle Charlie calls a 'virgin screwdriver. '" "But really it's just a glass of orange juice." "It was late, so I decided to skip the glass."" "Jake?" "Hang on." "That one hurt a little." " What you doing?" " Having a virgin screwdriver." " Want some?" " No, thanks." "I'm good." " What are you doing?" " Watching TV." "Why isn't it on?" "Because I've seen this one already." " Hey, you wanna hear a funny joke?" " Sure." "Why did the blond stare at the juice carton?" "I don't know." "Why?" ""Cause the carton said 'concentrate.'"" "That's okay." "I didn't get it either." ""The next morning I was pretty hungry because..."" "I think you all know why." ""So I had a bowl of cereal with my dad, and we made plans for the day."" " You wanna go to the museum?" " No." "I wanna watch TV." "It's pretty windy out there." "Wanna fly a kite?" "No." "I wanna watch TV." " Hiking?" " TV." " I'll get it." " TV." ""We decided to watch TV."" " Hello." " Is your name Harper?" " Yes." " Then this is for you." " Why'd you do that?" " Why did you sleep with my wife?" "Charlie." "Busy." "I don't care." "Open the door." " I've got company." " I know." "And her husband's downstairs." "Really?" " You're married?" " Yeah." "I'm not in." "You have to come and deal with him." " No, I don't." " Yes, you do." "I disagree." "It's not up for debate." "He knows you're here." "Oh, man, I hate when this happens." "This happens a lot?" "Not a lot, but enough to be a drag." "Charlie, are you coming back to bed?" " Yes." " Yes?" "No "yes."" "There is an angry husband in your living room." "How angry?" " Is he packing?" " What?" " Does he have a weapon?" " L..." "He has a stick." "That's not good." "I could lose an eye." " Charlie!" "Come on." " Fine, I'll wrap it up here." " Give me 20 minutes." " Oh, no." "A better idea." "Wrap it up now." " Ten minutes?" " Now." "We got five minutes." ""The weekend was going great, but then something really bad happened."" " Hey." " Hello." " Who are you?" " I'm Norman." "I'm Jake." "Have you seen my Game Boy?" "No." "Have you seen my wife?" "No." "Well, if you see it, let me know." "Ditto." ""I couldn 't believe it." "I lost my Game Boy."" ""I couldn't find my Game Boy in the kitchen or living room so I checked my bedroom and my bathroom." "Because, as you may recall, I'd spent a lot of time in there the night before."" " He'll be right down." " Thank you." "Can I get you a cup of coffee?" "Decaf." "I'm already pretty enraged." "Well, that's certainly understandable." "I have cookies too." " I wouldn't say no to a cookie." " Good." "Come on in the kitchen." "I always find a nice cookie can brighten up even the darkest day." "Yeah, well, this better be one hell of a cookie." " It's a nice house you got here." " Oh, thank you." "Actually, it belongs to my..." "You live in the neighborhood?" " Bel-Air." " Oh, that's nice too." "Gated community, but the wife gets out anyway." "Chews through her leash, huh?" "Hey, let me get you that cookie." "You see like a nice fella." "I'm sorry I hit you with my stick." "Oh, that's okay." "I'm sorry my brother is..." "That's okay." "So women, huh?" "Can't live with them." "That's all I got." " You married?" " Divorced." " She sleep around?" " No, mostly just slept." "You're lucky." "There's no pain greater than being betrayed by the woman you love." "You know, these are really very tasty." "Aren't they?" " Good morning." " Oh, speaking of tasty cookies Norman, this is Berta." " Hello." " What is this, a fix-up?" "No, no." "Nothing like that." "That's good, because I'd probably kill him." "Nothing personal, Cotton Top." "I just kind of like it rough." " Have another cookie." " Thank you." "So is anybody gonna tell me what's going on?" "Well, it's a little complicated." " Charlie..." " Got it." "Got it?" "How could you get it?" "There's a Rolls-Royce in the driveway and I found these hanging on the mailbox so I'm guessing that your brother's got some bimbo upstairs and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy." " Tell me I'm wrong." " I'm the husband." "Judges?" " You gotta give it to her." " Yes." " I mean, tough break." " Thank you." " You got a gun?" " No!" " Want one?" " Berta!" "I'm making small talk." "Okay." "You wanna talk this out like gentlemen, or you...?" "You might've mentioned he fought at the Alamo." " No offense." " None taken." " Does that make us even?" " You tell me." "Okay." "One more." "How about that?" " He poked you, you poked his..." " Berta!" "What?" "How often do you see that kind of symmetry in life?" "Hey." "Hello." "Were you just up in Uncle Charlie's room?" " Yeah." " Did you see my Game Boy?" "No." " Did you see my husband?" " The old guy?" " Yeah." " He's in the kitchen." "Thanks." "Well, that's weird." "If I was a Game Boy, where would I be?" "I am so sorry." "I had no idea that she was married." "I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women." "Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her." "Sorry." "Isn't there something you could clean?" "I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing." "Wait a minute." ""And suddenly I realized I might have left it in my mom's car."" "Hey, Mom, did I leave my Game Boy in your car?" "Well, can you go look?" "Can't you just dry off and put on a robe?" "There's another $25 chip in it for you." "She wasn't wearing a ring." "There was no mention of a husband." "Is that supposed to cheer me up?" " No, no, no." "I just wanted you to know..." " Now, now." "I get it." "You're a nice guy, and I married a skeevy tramp." "No, no, no." "I mean, yeah, I am a nice guy but I'm sure Annette is a lovely woman." "Her name is Natalie." " Really?" "You sure?" " Yes, I'm sure." "Because I've been yelling "Annette" all night." "Her name is Natalie." "Well, then maybe this is all just a huge misunderstanding and I've been upstairs doing someone else's wife." "Five-foot six, long brown hair, butterfly tattoo on her left hip." "Left hip, huh?" "Hold on now." "A lot of women have butterfly tattoos." "But the one I slept with also had a little beauty mark in a certain intimate place." "I'm not here to claim a lost wallet." "Okay, let's just assume it's her." "Again, I am really sorry." "It's my own fault anyway." "I should've realized back when I married her a man my age couldn't satisfy a woman that young." "If it makes you feel any better, I couldn't ring her bell, either." " You couldn't?" " You don't know me but there's things I don't kid about." "So it's not just me." " That's a relief." " Tell me about it." "I was killing myself up there." "So anyway are we okay?" "You mean, aside from the fact that you just rolled off my wife?" "Oh, yeah." "We're aces." "Good." "Thank you." " Can I give you a little advice, kid?" " Sure." "I was a player once, like you." "Do tell." "Does the name Tuesday Weld mean anything to you?" "No." "Joey Heatherton?" "No." "The immortal Miss Anne Francis." "TV's Honey West." " Sorry." " Well, look them up on your Internet." "They were all hot, and I nailed them." "Really." "Well, kudos." "But nothing lasts forever." "There's going to come a time when you'll wanna settle down." "And I only hope you don't make the same mistake I did." "I picked a young hottie because I figured I'd die in the sack with a smile on my face." "That's my retirement plan." "But it doesn't work that way." "What happens is you get your heart broken and you wind up having coffee with some putz who never heard of Honey West." "Got it." "Thanks for the advice." "Well, I'll be getting home now." "I got lawyers to call, locks to change." "Maybe I'll stop at the market, pick up some of those cookies." " Here." "Take the box." " Oh, thanks." "Looks like I'm the big winner around here today." " Hello?" "Anybody home?" " Hello." " Hello." "Who are you?" " Norman." "Oh, hello, Norman." "I'm Evelyn." "Is that your magnificent Rolls-Royce out in the drive?" "Why, yes, it is." " Are you a friend of Charlie's?" " No." "But my wife is." "Did my son polish your trophy wife?" "Well, you seem like a very intelligent man." "I assume you had an airtight prenup." "Bulletproof." "You know what, Norman?" "You look a lot like my fifth husband." "Really?" "How many times you been married?" "Four." "Cookie?" ""When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn't get any worse." "But instead of making me visit she gave my dad money to take me, my uncle and Berta to the movies." "We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays a stupid guy." "I had popcorn, nachos and two jumbo red Slurpees." "But as you know, you don't buy Slurpees." "You rent them."" " Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up." " Cool your jets." "And if you can't cool them, point the nozzle away from me." "Oh, God." "Mom!" " We can't go in right now." " Why not?" "Because I can't afford to send you to therapy for the rest of your life." "What's going on?" " Oh, God!" " What?" "What, what, what?" "Good for Norman." "That's getting right back on the horse." " There's a horse in there?" " No, no." "No horse." " Well, I still have to pee." " So go water that bush over there." ""And so I did." "And it just goes to show it's always in the last place you look."" "Very nice, Jake." ""Then on Sunday, we all went out for breakfast with Grandma and Uncle Norman." "I had chocolate-chip pancakes with blueberry syrup and bacon." "Dad had scrambled eggs but with no yolks." "Just the whites." "They looked like mashed potatoes." "Then the kid next to us threw up his waffles." "It was awesome."" " So, what's new in school?" " Almost got an A on my paper." "What do you mean "almost"?" "Got a C." "Okay, that's..." "That's fine." "That's an improvement." "Minus." "Still, here's your dollar." "You're paying him for a C-minus?" "That was our deal." "A buck for every C, a car for every A." " A car?" " Safest bet in the world." " So, what was the report about?" " What we did last weekend." " No kidding?" " Yeah." "And guess what else happened." "Trevor Griffin saw a ginormous rat in the cafeteria." "Yeah, but about the paper." "You wrote about everything that happened here last weekend?" "Well, everything but the boring stuff." "Oh, this could be problematic." "No, it's called "summarizing."" " Can I see it?" " Sure." "But it's at Mom's house." "I gave it to her to read this weekend." "He's 11." "There's no way it stands up in court." "Does this smell funny to you?"