"I'm OK." "Thanks." "Thanks." "No, I'm OK." "Thank you." "(PHONE RINGS)" " MUM:" "Ronny, can you hear me?" " Yeah, I can hear you." " Can you hear me now?" " Yeah, I can hear you now." " I could hear you then." " Why aren't you in class?" "I'm walking to class right now." "I just shared a list of study tips on your Facebook page." "Why didn't you Like it?" "Mum, you've got to stop posting click bait on my page." "What is 'click bait'?" "Mum, isn't it, like, 6am in Malaysia right now?" "Yalah, I'm having a late start today." " No, I'm OK, thanks." " Have you been studying hard?" "Mum, it's the first day of school." "There's literally nothing to study hard." " Well, make sure you study hard." " OK." "Because your father and I spent a lot of money to send you there." " OK." " And don't do drugs." " OK." " Do you do drugs?" "Yeah, heroin and crystal meth every day." "Where did you learn about those drugs?" "!" "Mum, look, I've got to go." "I'm going to be late, OK?" " OK." "Just pick up when I call." " OK." "And answer my email." " Don't talk to girls." " Don't get drunk." " Don't tip." "They don't need it." " OK." "OK." "I got it." "Love you." " Only use Chinese hairdressers." " Bye." "OK." "Bye." " Boil your water before you drink it." " Bye." "OK." "And if you have a cold, don't eat chicken." "Mum, coughing has nothing to do with chicken." " And don't get anyone pregnant." " No-one's getting pregnant." "Yes, I know condoms are not 100% effective." "Yes, I know you're supposed to roll it all the way down the shaft." "I gotta go." "No, I was... talking to my mum." "I must be the only one here without a laptop." "No." "What about that guy?" "Do those glasses even have lenses in them?" " Is he drinking from a jar?" " Is anything about this guy real?" "Maybe his hair." "Oh, wait." "No." " I'm Ronny." " I'm Asher." "Nice to meet you." "Um, excuse me, guys." "Listen up." "Uh, my name's Mick." "I'm the activities officer." "Um, basically I just coordinate all the activities." "Um... so, uh, yeah, welcome to your first day." "Are you pumped?" "Tonight's the, uh, first-year pub night." "And, um, it's a great opportunity to, uh... to meet each other and give it some of these ones." "Ha-ha!" "Anyway, so, we got the boat race, which is the, um, drinking game that we do every year." "So, uh, let me know if you want to sign up and, um, get pumped." "This guy's pumped." "Morning, everyone." "(LAPTOP KEYS CLACK)" "(TYPING STOPS)" " And welcome..." " (LAPTOP KEYS CLACK) ... to your first day of law school." "I want you to look to the left." "Now look to the right." "I want you to remember those faces that you see because that is your competition." "Now, the numbers say that 3 in 20 of you will become lawyers." "1 in 10 will fail." "1 in 200 will die... a bloated corpse encased in cocaine resin." "So, why are we here?" "I'm here because this is the most prestigious law school and I believe if you want to be the best, you have to learn from the best." "Does anybody else want to answer my rhetorical question?" "Let's all have a go." "You." "Why are you here?" " Is this rhetorical?" " You tell me." "Uh, I..." "I don't know." "Good answer!" "Because the truth is nobody really knows anything." "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree." "Good." "I like disagreement." "Go on." "Tell me." "Um, I just think that turning up to your first day of law school and not knowing why you're here, that's pretty stupid." "How do you feel about that?" "He thinks you're an idiot." "Well, I think it's pretty stupid to come to your first day of law school and dress like you're captaining a yacht." " (LAUGHTER)" " This is excellent." "Conflict is very good." "Which brings us to our first assignment." "I want you to write 1,000 words on conflict resolution  based on my book, Shut Up and Come Get Some, which is not available in bookstores, but the library does have a copy." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Whoo." "Yeah!" "(GRUNTS)" "(MOANS)" "Ah, the traditional first lecture streaker." "Have a look at him." "(MOANS)" "Now, what does the law say  about a man being found naked and weeping outside of his own house?" "STREAKER:" "Can someone help, please?" "Hey, uh, we should get that book." " Do you want to team up?" " Sure." "Hey, Ronny." "Man, I met this guy last night." "He's such a hater." "Hey, um..." "Elvin, right?" "Yeah, that's me." "Someone's moving pretty fast." "Pleased to meet you too." "I'm Asher." " I'm..." " Hello." "I'm Elvin." "This is, um..." "Wei Jun." "This is Denedict." " Denedict?" " Denedict." "Like Dennis mixed with Benedict?" "Denedict." "G'day, Cobras." "You gonna sign up for the boat race?" "I'm not here to get drunk in a bar." "Thank you." "Oh, man, I thought you'd give a real international flavour, you know?" "A bunch of different cultures getting together to give it some of these ones." "I won't be giving it some of those ones." "I want to get that book." "You coming?" " Uh, hey, I'll join you guys later." " Yeah." "OK." "We'll leave you and Cate Blanchett to give it some of these ones, huh?" "OK." "Let's go." "What about you, Cobra?" "You like to wrap the old laughing gear around a couple of frothies?" "What?" "He means "Do you drink beer?"" "Oh, no, I don't have the liver enzyme to process alcohol." "I become, like, a red, sweaty mess." "It's a problem." "Look who it is, Mr I Don't Know." "Signing up for the boat race?" "Oh, no, wait, let me guess... you don't know." "Actually, I do know." "I will not be signing up for the boat race." "Good, 'cause we'd wipe the floor with you." "His family have won the drinking contest for three generations." "So, you come from a family of alcoholics?" "What's your team name?" " Above the Legal Limit." " (LAUGHTER)" "Was Captain Nemo and the HMS Douchebags already taken?" "Well, 'HMS' refers to a navy ship, while my family's yacht is a private vessel, so the joke's on you." "Yeah, sure." "Oi, man, even if you don't want to have a crack, just come down and have a sticky beak while we sink some piss." " It'll be sick fun, bro." " What?" "!" "He means you're welcome to come watch the boat race." "Oh." "Oh, OK." "Thanks." " No wuckers, bro." " Appreciate it." " What?" " It means "You're welcome."" "OK." "Cool." "This place is amazing." "What?" "You've never been in a library before?" "My town had a library." "Well, it was more of a shelf of books at the back of the pub." "And if a book was overdue, you had to do a shot." "That sounds like... fun." "Yeah, I was a big reader." "So, where's the law section?" "Uh, let's see." "Law, that's 340, so we have to go to the 300s." "How did you know that?" "When I was a kid, my mum made me memorise the entire Dewey Decimal System." "Whoa, nerd alert." "OK, what's the number for Russian history?" "Russian history, that's, uh, general history of Asia-Siberia, so that's 957." "We had very different childhoods." " Childhoods... 372." " Alright." "What... ?" "Hmm." "(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)" "What was that?" "Are you sure this is the law section?" "Yeah, the sign said 300 was in the basement." "And this is B1." " WOMAN:" "This is B2." " (BOTH SCREAM)" "You've come too far." " Who are you?" " I'm a post-grad student." "How long have you been here?" "Can't remember." "Just been down here, writing my thesis." "What's your thesis on?" "Ha!" "It started out as the rule of law in pre-federation Australian colonies." "And then... turned into the morality of natural law versus positive law in post-modern society." "And then, somewhere along the line, it changed into Japanese falconry." " Now I'm not sure what it is." " OK." " Thanks." "We gotta get this book." " I used to be an undergrad." "I remember... having ambition, social events, sunlight." "OK." "I'm really sorry." "We have to go do an assignment." "Let me guess." "You're stressing about 1,000 words." "Well, you try being 90,000 words into a 200,000-word thesis and you can't even remember what your contention is." "Ow!" "Alright, I'm sorry." "We gotta go." "Thank you for all your help." "Maybe we'll see you down here again." " We're never coming back here." " Oh." "It should be just here. 300." "Oh, ho, ho." "Ronny and his girlfriend, Nicole Kidman, are going for a romantic stroll in the law section." "What?" "No." "We're just here to get the book." "(CHUCKLES) Good luck, because we're here to get the book too." "Why don't we just get it, photocopy it, and then we'll all have the book?" "Yeah." "Should be right... here." "I've got an idea." "How about none of you get the book, and all of you fail?" "What are you talking about?" "This is the only copy of that book." "And I'm keeping it until after the assignment is due." "Why would you do that?" "Because I don't like you coming in here and making me look like shit." "Then why are you dressed like you're in a barbershop quartet?" "It's called dressing for success, so you should try it." "You look like Ben Sherman fucked the Wiggles." "No, see, it's you who's fucked, because if you don't have the book, you can't finish the assignment." "(SHRIEKS)" "Just give us the damn book!" "OK." "I guess we won't be using the photocopier anymore." "What's going on here?" "This is the library." "If you want to shank each other, take it outside." "I was just trying to borrow a book and these people started harassing me." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Look, we all need this book to do an assignment." "And this guy is hoarding it like an asshole so none of us can do any work." "So, clearly, the system is broken." "How dare you question the system?" "!" "What do you know about the library system?" "Well, I know Melvil Dewey invented the Dewey Decimal System in 1876." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Fuck Melvil Dewey." "Fuck him right in his face." "You know why?" "'Cause I'm the system." "Now get out!" "Nice work, Ronny." "You dragged us into your weird fight and got us kicked out of the library." "What are you talking about?" "She's the one who went Kung Fu Hustle on the photocopier." "So, what are we gonna do now, huh?" "You're not taking us down with you." "Professor Dale wrote the book." "I'll just ask him for a copy." "I don't care what you and Toni Collette have to do, just get that book." "Why do you keep calling me the names of Australian actresses?" "I'll call you whatever I want, uh..." "Rebel Wilson." "Wait, aren't you from Vietnam?" "How do you know so many Australian actresses anyway?" "I've been a huge fan since I saw Muriel's Wedding." " Oh, that is such a great film!" " Yeah, I know." "I still think it's Rachel Griffiths' best role." " Sure." " "Oh, you're so terrible, Muriel."" "WEI JUN:" "Is that the one where she's in a wheelchair?" "Hey." "Hey." "I'm going to go find Professor Dale." "WEI JUN:" "She's so young." "ELVIN:" "But that wedding scene is so beautiful." "(CHEERING ON TV)" "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Come in." "Hi." "Sir, uh, I'm Ronny from your first-year class." "Mm-hm." "Sit down." "Uh, I was wondering if you had a copy of your textbook?" "I have, Ronny." "I've got loads of copies of my textbook because the academic board refused to put it on the syllabus." "OK." "Do you mind if I just borrow a copy for the assignment?" "Absolutely not." "Why not?" "Because I want you, Ronny, to find a copy for yourself." "OK." "I've found a copy." "I found, like, 20 copies, like, right here." "And you think I should just give you a copy because you've asked nicely?" " Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable." " Give me your hand." "The law  is about conflict." "Is that a tattoo?" "Have a look at this fellow here." "This fellow's got the best left kick in all of the MMA." "So, what does his opponent do?" "Uh, I don't know, avoid his left kick?" "No, he..." " (CRACK!" ") - breaks his left leg" "Oh, my God!" "... with his own left kick!" "Oh!" "He takes his opponent's greatest weapon and he shoves it up his arse!" "Do you understand?" "No!" "I want you to find your opponent's greatest weapon and turn it against him to defeat him." "(BELL DINGS ON TV)" "Oh, hey." " Did you get the book?" " No." " What happened?" " I don't know." " Wait." "Wait." "G'day, cobra." " Ohh!" "Are you guys still interested in joining the boat race?" "Why are you so obsessed with signing up people to this drinking game?" "(SIGHS) To be honest, we've only signed up one team." "If we don't get another, we're gonna have to pull up stumps." " He means..." " Yeah, I got that one." "I thought you could help make it a real multicultural event." "You know, show people that smashing beers is something that everyone can enjoy." "Look, I'd love to help you meet your diversity quota, but a drinking game is the last thing we need right now." "(SIGHS) The other team's gonna be so cut." " What?" "The other team?" " Yeah, Above the Legal Limit." "Really nice boys." "Got the family history..." "Actually, you know what?" "We will sign up for your drinking game." "Really?" "I've gotta tell the other team." "No." "Let me tell them, please." "I'm pumped, Cobra!" "You fully pumped?" "I'm moderately pumped." "ASHER:" "What is this place?" "I think it's the central hive for stuck-up larvae before they mature into full-blown assholes." "What a bunch of wankers." "Is this free?" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)" "You call that a parry riposte?" "I thought your one, two was going to end in a cha-cha-cha." "I think you're lost." "The accounting club is down the hall." "No, I'm pretty sure I'm in the right place." "This is the Piece of Shit Club, right?" "What do you want, Chieng?" "Look, I come to offer you a deal, OK?" "You know that drinking game you keep talking on and on about?" " Yeah, the one we're gonna win." " Yeah, here's the thing." "You can't win if there's no-one to play against because they're gonna cancel the game, OK?" "So, here's what I propose." "I'll enter a team to play against you." "And if we win, you give us the textbook." " You have a drinking team?" " Yes." "You are aware we're not drinking green tea, right?" "(FORCED LAUGHTER)" "Hey, how do you look like Prince Harry and Prince William at the same time?" "Very amusing, Chieng." " So, if we win, what do I get?" " I don't know." "What do you want?" "Some mouth surgery to...?" "Your mouth is huge." " Make him run naked." " That's a grand idea." "OK." "You and your... internationals enter the drinking game." "And when you lose, you have to run naked through Professor Dale's next lecture." "Or don't you have the balls?" "OK." "Deal." "I'll see you later tonight." "OK, listen up." "This is called a boat race." "You drink a beer." "You put the empty glass on your head and then the next person does the same." "The first team to finish all four pints wins." " Got it?" " Got it." "What if you start drinking before the other person?" "You'd be disqualified." "What if you don't finish the beer before you put it on your head?" " Disqualified." " What if..." "Holy shit." "You finish your beer, and then the next person finishes their beer, alright?" "It's really not that complicated." "Wei Jun." "On your marks, get set, drink!" " (SPLUTTERS)" " Sorry, my fault." "I should have said take a deep breath before you drink, and then once you start, whatever you do, don't take a second breath." "This is bullshit." "Holly Valance doesn't know what she's talking about." "Tell me why again we do this?" "Believe it or not, this is actually the easiest way to get the textbook." "And also, if we don't win the drinking competition, we're going to have to run naked in the next lecture." " So, you turned us into strippers?" "!" " No." "We're not gonna strip because we're gonna win." "Wei Jun, are you OK?" "Oh!" "Oh, it's fine." "It's what happen when we drinking beer." "Yeah, like I said, we don't have the liver enzyme..." "Guys, the key to excessive drinking is simple." "You just need to focus on something you fear and then drink to make it disappear." "Right?" "Let's try it." "Denedict, close your eyes and find your fear." "You're wearing shoes." "Inside!" "(SCREAMS)" " Is that supposed to happen?" " Yes." " Yes, Denedict, very nice." " Yeah." "Right, Elvin, your go." "MAN:" "Congratulations, Elvin." "(SCREAMS)" " (APPLAUSE)" " Nice work." "OK." "Wei Jun, you're up." "MAN:" "We ran out of rice, so I got you some couscous." "(SCREAMS)" "(SHRIEKS) I don't want couscous!" "No-one is gonna give you couscous." " OK." "OK." " You're gonna be OK." "You guys are all gonna be OK." "Let's try again." "Ready, set, drink." "Right on!" " Let's do this one more time." " Enough!" "The drinking competition's, like, one hour away, and these guys are getting shit-faced." "(CLANG!" ")" "OK, maybe let's leave it there." "You guys have one hour to sober up." "Personally, I would recommend a kebab followed by a long vomit." "(DRAMATIC MUSIC)" "G'day, Cobra." "You still up for giving it a few of these ones?" "Up for it?" "We're here to win it." "Ha-ha-ha!" "What's your team name?" "Uh, I don't know." "Guys, what's our team name?" "I don't give a fuck." "I'll put that down for now, but you might want to workshop it." "How you feeling?" "Not very pumped." " What's wrong?" " What's wrong?" "!" "Yesterday, I got off a plane really looking forward to studying in your country." "Now, today, to do an assignment," "I have to drink beer faster than a bunch of idiots." "And if I don't, I'm gonna end up failing," "I'm gonna end up running naked in public and I'm gonna have to study Japanese falconry." "That is a rough first day." "Sounds like you need a beer." "No!" "I don't even like the taste of beer." "I remember when my dad gave me my first beer." "I hated the taste, so I just drank it really quick." "My dad said he'd never seen a 10-year-old scull a longneck that fast." "Yeah, we had very different childhoods." "You'll be fine." "You just need to focus on your fear." "Yeah, I tried." "I can't think of anything scary enough." " (FEEDBACK SCREECHES)" " MICK:" "Alright, guys." "It's time to get fully pumped for the boat race!" "(CHEERING)" "So, let's give a huge welcome to Above the Legal Limit!" "(CHEERING)" "And their opponents, our very first international team," "I Don't Give a Fuck!" "We should have workshopped that name." "(APPLAUSE)" "I can't wait to see the shape of your balls." "You've got some issues, man." "OK." "On your marks get set  dri-i-i-i-nk!" "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMS)" "Don't take a second breath!" "Cheers, Chieng." "ASHER:" "Focus on your fear... fear... fear..." "MRS CHIENG: (ECHOES) Ronny..." "Ronny  don't forget to roll all the way down the shaft... shaft... shaft... (SCREAMS)" "Oh, my God!" "(CHEERING)" "(MUFFLED CHEERING)" "(CHEERING)" "ALL: (CHANT) Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "MICK:" "Hang on, hang on..." "As the winners, your team captain has earned the right to attempt the Legionnaire..." " Wait." "What?" "!" " Thank you, Aaron." "The Legionnaire has been attempted by some of the greatest drinkers in the history of this university, with only one fatality." " (CROWD GROANS)" " What is this?" "Team captain, please approach." "ALL: (CHANT) Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" "Asians!" " No, I don't want to drink it." " (CHANTING STOPS)" "MAN:" "He hates beer." "(CROWD GROANS AND BOOS)" "No, I don't hate beer." "Well, OK, actually, I do hate beer." "Come on, it tastes terrible." "It tastes like someone drank piss and vomited it out and someone else ate that vomit and pissed it out again." "Like, seriously, does anyone here actually like the taste of beer?" "That was a rhetorical question." "We won the boat race." "What more do you people want?" "MAN: (SHRILLY) But are you gonna drink it?" " MAN:" "Drink it!" " CROWD:" "Yeah!" "CROWD:" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "(SHRIEKS)" "(CHEERING)" "ALL:" "Eww!" "Oh, go, you good thing!" "Thank you." "Hey, are you OK?" " You didn't have to drink that." " Yeah, I did." "If you drank that beer, the only thing pumped right now would be your stomach." "Hey, when you were screaming, what fear were you thinking about?" "I imagined failing and having to go back to my home town." "I actually know what you mean." "DANIEL:" "I'm a man of my word." " Is that word 'dick'?" " Don't get ahead of yourself, Chieng." "I've been looking forward to university for a long time." "And I'm not gonna let you ruin..." "Just give me the book." "Ohh!" "Ohhh!" "What's that smell?" "I rubbed it on my arse." "That's fucking disgusting, man." " MICK:" "You were awesome." " ELVIN:" "Oh, that's so good." "I can't believe that worked." "Hey, Ronny." "There's a video of us winning the boat race all over Facebook." " Oh, great." " There's also a video of you, Asher." "It's called 'Hot Chick Drinks Giant Beer." "'You Won't Believe What Happens Next'." "(CHEERING ON VIDEO)" "That's so embarrassing." "I'm so sorry a video of you drinking got put online." "I don't care about the drinking." "If my family finds out I spewed, I'll be disowned." "WEI JUN:" "Oh, no." "Mick is taking us on a pub crawl." "You want to come?" "No, I think I've drunk enough for today." "ASHER:" "Yeah, me too." " Later, bros." " Take it easy, guys." "DENEDICT:" "Did you see...?" "(WEI JUN LAUGHS)" "Yeah, yeah, go on." "Hey, Ronny, you got the book?" "Yeah." "I did, but it's a little gross." "Oh, this makes everything worthwhile. (LAUGHS)" "(KISSES)" "(SNIFFS) What that smell?" "Uh... the smell of success?" "Yeah." "That's it." "OK." "I'll give it back to you in the morning." " Yeah, maybe just photocopy it." " Yeah." "OK." "OK." "You sure you don't want to go hang out with your friends?" "I think I am hanging out with my friend." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Oh, boy." "MRS CHIENG:" "Ronny?" "Ronny, why haven't you called?" "Oh, sorry, I've been busy." "Yalah, busy doing what?" "Uh, studying hard." " Have you been drinking?" " No." "Don't lie to me, huh?" "I saw you drinking on your Facebook page." "No, I was actually drinking to do an assignment." " So, now you're an alcoholic?" "!" " No..." " (SHOUTS) Who's this girl?" "!" " She's a friend." " Is she pregnant?" "!" " No." "She's not." "Why is she throwing up everywhere?" "!" "You lie some more, I'll send you back home, I tell you!" " Why are you always yelling?" " I am not yelling!" "Yeah, this is exactly why Dad left, alright?" "Your mother talking to you!"