"Okay, jerks." "Let's be quiet and quick." "Pete, take the bag." "Terho, keep guard." "Fatso, don't do anything." "Don't do anything." "You see anyone?" " No." "Okay." "Let's go." "Anybody see us?" " I don't think so." "The idiot's jaw is gonna drop when he sees this." "Shit!" "Plaza named after national soccer team player -opening ceremony 11 a.m." "Dad, wake up." "Dad, wake up!" "Go watch cartoons with Pete." "Pete, wake up!" "Pete, wake up!" "What time is it?" " Eleven." "Eleven!" "Pasi, get up!" "I'll be right there." "When we heard Tuukka was moving back to his hometown - and joining his old soccer team, we knew we had to honor the moment with something special" "Here's a gift from the municipality:" "a miniature statue of soccer player jari Litmanen." "Thank you." "I've been watching your career since you played for United." "It must've given you a boner." " Not really." " Dummy." "I want to thank the municipality and United, of course." "Even after 20 years, the grin on his face pisses me off." "We'll wipe it off this summer." "I hope the statue is more durable than the person it depicts." "Thanks." " I hope you get hit by a car." "Tuukka will drive your pathetic team to the bottom of your division." "Tuukka will drive his dick into your grandpa's butt." "To make it short, let me reveal- llari Kivelä's concrete statue titled Scissor Kick." "Next up is the band from Niinivaara High school" "Someone's written on it." "I LIKE COCK" " Faggot!" "You know what?" "Your dad was a drunk- and your wife ran off with a hockey player!" "That's it." "He's dead." "Idiot!" "Get him!" " Suck my fart!" "United!" "BRONSON CLUB PRESENTS" "Defense!" "Idiots!" "You'd be better off playing beach ball!" "KuPa is bigger than the globe!" "Knuckleheads!" "It'll die in a minute." "just a minute." "C'mon, this is soccer!" "Third division!" "Third division!" "Kupa will make it into the third division!" "PRODUCED BY OSKARI HU1TU" " JESSE FRYCKMAN" "WRITTEN BY JAAKKO KAJAM" "DIRECTED AND WRITTEN BY TEPPO AIRAKSINEN" "FANATICS" "Local team one step closer to next division" "A ten-year wait is finally over." "This is so our summer." "I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about it." "Go kill yourself." " Why can't you be supportive?" "You're not supportive either." " In what?" "In things that are important to me." "I've listened to you bullshit about soccer for years." "You never ask me how I feel." "If I'd only known..." " Take your hand off before I break it." "Larvio." " Grumpy." "My name is Vuorinen." " Want to buy a fitness ball?" "Where were you two nights ago?" " Pussy hunting." " Nowhere." "You don't know anything about this, do you?" "Funny." "Wish I could take credit for it." "What about these?" "I want to talk to you in private." "Get lost." "Nice beard." "Gillette." "Doesn't ring a bell." "I hope they catch the criminals." "This is unacceptable." " Very." "You're a grown man." "Why not do something useful instead of goofing off with your friends?" "You mean like become a small-town cop?" " Touché." "My friend is a shift manager at the factory." " Bravo." "You can call him if the store gets crowded." "What a Nazi." "You held up great." "You're no informer." "Even though you look like one." "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday, dear jari" "Happy birthday to you" "Hush." "Dad's gonna give a speech." "The day you were..." "Quiet!" "The day you were born was a big day." "First there was soccer player jari Litmanen, then you." "You'll start playing soccer soon." "You'll show your killer banana kicks, - and the United kids will be in the hospital..." "Let's raise our hats." "Happy birthday, son." "Happy birthday to Grandma's darling!" "One more time." "Harder." "KuPa!" "This is Dad's gift to you." " What can it be?" "He'll practice six times a week." "Open this one." " What's in there?" "They're a bit big." "I think they're a bit big." " Who's that?" "It's jari Litmanen." "Remember what I taught you?" "Terho's gift." " That's a big one." "You all remembered what we agreed." "Then fat boy's gift." "A garbage truck!" " That's right." "Isn't it nice?" " Very nice." "Happy birthday, jari!" "You can drive the truck like this." "You can back it up." "I think I made it pretty damn clear." "Something soccer related." "And then the fatso goes and buys some retarded tractor." "How can it be so difficult?" "How are things with Mona?" "What do you mean?" "She sent a card." "With cute bunnies and all." "It's a hell of a lot better now." "I feel better." "I can focus on KuPa's games." "Besides, my mom cooks better than she ever did." "Doesn't she?" "Mönkkö!" " Yes, Kaikkonen?" "When are you finally going to finish fixing your house?" "While you're at it, why don't you take my trash out too." "Will this ever end?" "Choke on shit." " You'll be hearing from me!" "Great guy." " Oh yeah." "I need a favor." "I have a customer meeting at four tomorrow." "Jari has practice at the same time." "It's his first practice." " I'll take care of it." "My man." "Come here!" "You'll have more space!" "Cross the ball!" "You want to play?" " No." "Why not?" " Because." "Spread out!" "You sure?" " Yes." "Just to make Dad happy." "()okay" "That way!" "Come to this side, too, so that you get to run." "Okay." "Let's continue." "You want to play another day?" " No." "In that case your dad's going to kick my ass." " Yes." "Not interested in playing, huh?" "I think he was a bit nervous." "Dads sometimes get disappointed when that happens." "If you only knew..." "Oh, you're not his...?" "Oh no." "He's not my son." "I just brought him here." " Okay." "Which way are you headed?" " We're headed..." "Where are you headed?" "I'm headed that way." "So are we." "Pete." "Emmi." "Jari." " Hi, jari." "What's going on with that hand?" " I've no idea." "Let's go, jari." "It's annoying that people think ice hockey is our national sport." "Two world championships and people think we own the world." "You can't even see the puck." "Couldn't we all just kick a ball?" "What?" "What?" " Why haven't we met before?" "I haven't been here before." " Where?" "On earth?" "I'm here because I couldn't find a summer job coaching in Helsinki." "And because I get to stay at a friend's house." "He lives here." "I understand." "Have a nice summer..." "I'll call you." "How?" "You don't have my number." "Err..." "You really want me to call you?" " Maybe." "Really really?" " Maybe maybe." "Damn." "Here." " Someone named Igor will answer?" "Then you'll ask for me." "Bye!" "My son needs skates." "The skates are around the corner." "If you can't find the right ones, - please come back and I'll help you." "What did you just do?" "What's wrong with you?" "Yesterday you would've told her only jerks play hockey." "You would've made him try on soccer shoes." "God dammit." "You got laid!" "Where?" "How many times?" "For how much?" "I haven't gotten laid." "I got something better." "A blow job?" " No." "I realized why my past relationships have failed." "Relationships?" "Why the plural?" " I've wasted time on women - who make me choose between them and soccer." "What's the name of this stinking swamp monster?" "Emmi." " When are you going to get laid?" "Oh, pussy" "We'll see what happens tonight." "We're painting the banner tonight." "Commander will get mad if you don't show up." "12-month Euribor with an 0.85 interest margin." "Then there's a fixed interest rate loan or an interest rate cap." "You'll find all the details here." "I'm sure we'll find you the right alternative." "KuPa is climbing into the third division - for the first time in ten years - and you're skipping tonight because of some chick you just met?" "You're an idiot and she must be too." "And you won't get pussy." " Maybe I don't want it." "What do you want?" "A wife?" " Maybe." "I don't get it." "Is it her?" " Yeah." "I'll call her later." "This is Commander speaking." "I'm Pete's friend." "A bunch of us guys were thinking of wining and dining tonight." "I understood you and Pete had similar plans, - so I'd like to ask you if you'd like to join us." "Pete's women are Commander's women." "My women." "At eight." "See you." "Bye." "Kisses." "Thanks." " No problem." "Did you have to?" "You ruined it." " Great." "You should know one thing." "There's something she doesn't know about us." " Yes?" "Dinner will be ready soon." "We'll have pancakes for dessert." "Just a minute." "You all go to soccer games every now and then, like Pete?" "No, we don't." " Never." "We do every now and then." "Right?" "You said no talking soccer..." " The boys are trying to say- that we sometimes go see soccer games." "We don't take it too seriously." "Some people collect stamps." "Others hunt." "We like to support our local team." "There are more important things in life." " Like friends and family." "I guess." " 'I guess"?" "Why be a fan if you don't give it a hundred percent?" "When Pete graduated, we skipped the graduation party." "We headed to the field to prepare for the next game." "This is what going to games sometimes meant?" "Little Pete was afraid you'd walk away if you found out he's a loser." "Pete's in love." "The mother of all photos." "Everybody quiet." "This is our boy jari." "Pete..." " No." "When we open this page..." " We're not going to play now." "You play an instrument?" "Play!" "Of course you will." " Okay." "Nothing is as lovely As watching jari Litmanen" "In the spring When the earth starts smelling good" "I head to the soccer field Where the grass is fuming green" "It's welcoming jari litmanen On the field" "The darkness is gone We 're walking towards the light jari and me -jari and me" "The children of light Hand in hand" "You can leave if you want." "I'll understand." "They're idiots." "You want to go out, just the two of us?" "Take my underwear off?" " Yeah, yeah." "We don't have to talk anymore." "This is going well." " Yes, it is." "What's happening?" "I think you know what happened." "()okay" "This was my first time." "Maybe that'll explain it." "Was that a joke?" "It is if it's funny." "Okay." "We'll do it again." " Okay." "Hi" "Hi;" "I." "How are you?" " I'm good." "How are you?" "Everything okay?" "Yeah." " I didn't realize this apartment was so big." "You were in a hurry to lose your virginity." " True." "It was a joke." " I'll go take a shower." "Make yourself at home." "Bye." " Bye." "Good job, Pete Larvio." "Good job." "I heard that." "Hi!" "Did you meet Pete?" "Hi." "I got lost." "Tuukka Tiensuu." "Have we met before?" " What?" "Did I go to school with you?" "Elementary school and junior high." " That's right!" "Pete the Mudman." "I thought you were dead." " I'm not." "I see." " It's a small world." "I told you about him." "Tuukka is my good friend and roommate." "And your ex." "Don't forget that." " That was ages ago." "It wasn't that long ago." " It was years ago." "We were different people then." " No, we weren't." "We already argued about this in Venice." "The city of love." " Gross!" "We have to go out to eat some time." " Good idea." "A great idea." "Kemmi's defence is so weak." " Rask moves like a freight train." "Oh, Ruud Gullit." "Glad you could make it." "Spill the details." "No way." " Then we have nothing." "You think Beerbelly wouldn't tell if he got laid?" " I would." "You'd have a press conference." "Okay, what's going on?" "And what's with that notebook?" "We're undercover." "Like my dad used to say:" ""Know your enemy and your victory is guaranteed.'" "That's a fine stetson." "You got dirt on King's face." "You have to keep his face clean." "Why did he wave at us?" "Idiot." "Tuukka had a dick in his butt Yalla yalla yalla yalla ay!" "Then he used it as a toothpick Yalla yalla yalla yalla ay!" "Yalla ay!" "Yalla ay!" "Yalla yalla yalla yalla ay!" "Tuukka had a dick in his butt Yalla ay yalla ay!" "Pete." "What is it?" "I've got a sore throat." "I can't sing." "United!" "Tuukka, we got a gift for you!" "We made a banner for you!" "TUUKKA IS A MACHINE ON AND OFF FIELD" "You're pathetic!" "Clown!" "Homo!" "Put a dick in your mouth!" " You do that!" "You and your mother, too!" "No, you!" " No, you!" "And your mother!" "Put your fat friend's dick in your mouth!" " Anytime, cobra!" "Let's make some noise." "Good job!" "Tuukka!" "Tuukka!" "Who's gonna take a dick in their butt now?" "Let's find out." "Fuck you, Matias!" "We're gonna send you packing!" "You banana brain!" "Your dad was a homo!" "What the hell?" "United and KuPa compete for third division" "Good morning." "Another hat trick for Tuukka?" " Of course." "The other team sucks." "Someone's in a bad mood." ""My name is Pete Larvio." "I'm upset '" ""I'm upset because of Tuukka Tiensuu's hat trick.'" "Is this annoying?" " Yes." "Is this?" " Very." "Is this?" " Stop!" "Stop!" "You have to stay out of this." "Listen." "Promise me you'll stay out of this." "I just want you to be happy." " Then you have to trust me." "Pumpkin..." "Pumpkin?" "You should go." "You're done?" " Yes." "What did he have to say?" " Nothing special." ""Nothing special'?" " Nothing special." "You know what?" "What happened before was special." " True." "Was it better than sex with Tuukka?" "Don't be silly!" "You can tell me." "I know this is a bit silly, but..." " You're right." "It's just one of those things I have to know." "You really have to?" " Yes." "It was better." " With me?" " Yes." "Why?" " This continues?" "Our circle of trust session started off really well." "We're sharing our deepest secrets." " You haven't shared any." "I'll share mine later." "I won't tell you." " Emmi." "I can't." " Why not?" "It'll destroy our relationship." " Please." "With Tuukka it was..." "Yes?" "just spit it out." "Pretty painful." "What do you mean?" " Forget it." "Tell me." " What?" "Why was it painful?" " I can't remember." "Tell me why it was painful." "Well, because..." " Because Tuukka has..." "..." "Tuukka has a very large dick." "...a very large dick." "Yes." " Right." "Tuukka has a giant dick." "But it wasn't nice." "You realize he'll have the upper hand on me forever?" "There's a solution." " I'll kill and castrate him." "Another solution." " Castrate first?" "A third solution." " Castrate only?" "The three of us will spend quality time together." " No." "No!" "I know what we'll do." "Does this shirt look a little gay?" " No." "You look good." "It's better than a sweaty t-shirt." " If someone sees me, - you can tell them I'm on drugs or something." "I'm sure no one will see you." " Symphony of Me?" "What does it even mean?" "Tuukka chose it." "His friend acts in it." " Right." "Hey, you promised to be nice to him." "Compliment him." ""Congratulations for having a majestic dick!"" "You can say he looks good." " No, I can't." "Give him a compliment or I'll get mad." "Promise." " I promise." " You don't want to see me mad." "Hi." "You're here already." "Hi, Pete." "Nice shirt." "Fits you perfectly." "Just kidding." " It's from your closet." "Let's go in." "Tuukka." "I just wanted to say that - you have nice hands." "Thanks." "Yours look very energetic." "You want to go?" "Nice hands?" " I didn't..." "From:" "COMMANDER" "Thank you." "That was incredible." "Thanks." "This is my good friend Amalia." "Emmi, my friend and roommate." "Pete is Emmi's..." "What did you think?" " I liked it a lot." "I'm no expert, but I think - the language of movement was wonderful." "I'm proud of Tuukka." " What about you, Pete?" "I agree." "It was powerful, challenging and emotional." "But I would've liked to see a twist in the end." "What do you mean?" "The Sixth Sense." " I haven't seen it." "It's American." " Bruce Willis plays a psychiatrist, - who finds out he's the ghost in the film." "That was a surprise." "Gave me the chills." "I mean, it was a surprise when you walked onstage - and took off..." "I mean they ripped off your..." "And finally there was the eclipse of the dick." "Thank you one more time." "We'll talk later." "I'll call you." "It was lovely to see you." "What was the show about, anyway?" "Just because you don't get it doesn't mean it's shit." "What was there to get?" "And why did Tuukka show his dick?" "For your information:" "smaller ones grow just as..." "How can you be so immature?" " Me?" "Immature?" "You know what's immature?" "Showing off your dick." "Is that so?" " It is." "Maybe you should go home then." "Oh, is that what you want?" " Yes." "Fine." "Here's your shirt." "Good night." " Good night." "Why did Mona leave?" " She's a slut and she slept around." "I don't believe you." " I saw it." " You didn't." "Okay, I didn't." " So seriously..." " Stop." "You clearly have personal problems you want to take out on me." "So what is it?" "Talk to me." "Emmi's ex." "They're roommates and best friends." "As if that isn't enough, - he's got a pretty big.." "...cock?" "How big?" " Well..." "Gigantic?" " Yes." "A megalomaniacal anaconda?" " An insane fire hose." "What can I do?" "I have nothing on him." "It's your elitist tongue-in-cheek sense of humor- against a giant mushroom head." "I bet my money on the mushroom head." "Game over." "We'd like to buy skates for my son." "Where can I find them?" " Nowhere." "Your ad said Bauer Elite junior skates on sale." "My son wants to skate." "You'll never be anything." "You can find skates around the corner." "Asshole." "Didn't get laid, huh?" "Let's go to the bar tonight." " No." "We'll go on a raid." "Women, hide your wallets." "Here we come." "You'll get wasted." "I guarantee you'll be happy." "Can I come?" " We're not going anywhere." "Even if we were, you're too late to sign up." "I just signed up." " You didn't e-mail the application as a PDF." "I haven't seen the application." " Of course not." "No one told me." " Of course not." "How was I supposed to know?" " There is no application." "So you're coming?" " Yes." "No." " Yes." " Hell no!" "Why the fuck are you swaying like that?" "There's a club next door if you want to dance." "What would you like, boys?" " Two double Scotches and beers." "A small Pepsi Max." "This ain't no fuckin' underage disco." "You get wasted and throw up everywhere!" "I don't want to." " Get the fuck out if you don't like the concept!" "I think we'll manage without you." "I'll drink on one condition:" "come to a KuPa game." " Hell no!" "Then I won't drink." " What a loss." "But I won't leave either." "Touché." "Sirkku." "A double Scotch and beer for our cab driver here." "I could've become the next jari Litmanen or Mikael Forssell." "This one guy said I could've gone far." "Guess how many times I can bounce the ball?" "1131." "Think about it." "Two beers and he's ready to pee in his pants." "Vesander and I are like two peas in a pod." "Let's go to my place." "We'll make love." "Afterparty at Sirkka's house!" " It's Sirkku." "Afterparty at Sirkku's house!" "I'm going home." " You can't!" "This is what you need." "This?" " Yes." "Watching Terho disgrace himself, getting wasted, - an afterparty and getting groped." "This is an essential part of getting over it." "Let yourself go." "Surrender, young man." "You want me to sing some more?" " Go ahead." "Tonight girls won't say no..." "Tonight I'll make you a man." "Hell no." "The most printed book in the world is not the Bible." "It's the IKEA catalogue." "You know what that proves?" "It proves that pussy makes the world go around, not God." "I'm your dear coworker, so tell me - what is wrong with your girl's pussy?" " What?" "Or are you a man's man?" "A manly man?" "Her roommate is someone we hate." "And her ex." "How do I know if she's what I think she is?" "I mean, she dated that hazardous waste." "Are you sure he's hazardous waste?" "You're whining about heartache - in some old woman's backyard on a Sunday morning." "You should be somewhere else, - not here being groped by old ladies." "Clown." "What are you going to do?" "Wish me luck." "Luck." "Hi." "I'd like to talk to Emmi." "You know what time it is?" " Yes." "She's sleeping." " No, she's not." "Emmi!" "Come to the door!" "I'm sorry I woke you up." " What is it?" "Can I talk to you alone?" " Why?" "It's personal and I don't think we need Tuukka here." "Thanks." "What do you want?" " I want you." "And I want to apologize for being an immature idiot at times." "I'll work on it." " Why didn't you just make a drunk call?" "I'm not drunk." "Anymore." "I was pretty drunk." "Now [just have a headache and I'm tired." "Everything okay?" " Yes." "One short moment." "Thanks." "No KuPa victory has ever felt as good - as when you laugh at my jokes." "Or at least that's how it feels now." "I've known KuPa a lot longer than I've known you." "The strange thing is that you're a meaningful person in my life." "I'm not very experienced with women, so..." "Sorry, but this is the worst apology I've ever heard." "Really?" "Hands down." " I've never apologized to anyone before." "I believe you." "Err, I'd still..." "So did I pass?" "What's the situation?" "Why don't we have a cup of tea." "You want croissants?" "Yes." "Thank you." "This shows you who's a real fan." "Let's have a barbeque!" "KuPa wins again" "Hey, there's someone else here." "Tuukka Tiensuu secures fifth victory for AC United" "Show them, Pettersson!" "Who the fuck is Pettersson?" "Kupa will always be Finland': best team!" "Crucial game between local teams set for Sunday" "Hi." "Hi." "Tuukka." "I made cauliflower au gratin." "If you're not headed to a Michelin restaurant,join us." "You don't need a third wheel." " C'mon." "Three is better than two." "Okay." "I'd be happy to join you." "I'll just unpack my bag." "Great." "Tuukka, I have to say that " "I might have misjudged you all these years." "To be honest with you, I had a preconception of you - and it wasn't the most flattering one." "You've always hated me." " Hate is a strong word." "I have to admit that " "I had doubts about you." "And still do." "When I heard that " "Emmi was dating the legendary Pete the Mudman..." "What is this Mudman thing?" " Nothing." "In elementary school we had plum pudding at the Christmas party." "Pete was an angel in the play..." " Tuukka, please." "Don't tell the most embarrassing moments of my life - to the woman I love." " Pete." "Pete." "It was 20 years ago." " Right." "Of which I spent 10 years in therapy." "That's really funny." "It's not the same." " Don't yell." "You have to see the real-life jari Litmanen's statue." "When you get off work, we'll drive to Lahti to see it." "To Lahti?" "How lovely." " Oh yes." "I go back to school right after my summer job." "Oh, that's right." "The statue won't go anywhere." "I guess so." " I have a suggestion." "Promise you won't reject it right away." "Come with me to Helsinki." "I know we haven't known each other that long, - but I like the idea." "I've never felt this way before." "And you don't have to stand on the sidelines at forty." "What would I do then?" " Hello?" "You'll play with me!" "Hey..." "Munchkin." " What are you doing?" "Munchkin." "Tuukka does that." "And it's "pumpkin."" "How did you know?" " I saw him do it." "Sorry for ruining your thing." " It's just a joke." "He once apologized and did it." "We can come up with something of our own." " Yeah?" "Of course." " Like this:" "That's better." "So, did you call my friend at the factory?" " No, I didn't." "I don't think we've met." " I guess not." "Markku." " Emmi." "Hi." " You can call him Grumpy." "Grumpy." " Markku." "Hope everything goes well tomorrow." " Hope so." "I'll keep an eye on you." " Bye." "Nice meeting you." " Likewise." "Who was that?" " I know him from school." "You're still having a guys' night tonight?" " Yeah." "Commander's come up with some project." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Look!" "Here he comes." "Look, jari!" "Where's Terho?" " He's on a date." "On a date?" " It's about time he gets laid." "Kids, tonight is full of surprises." "Surprises?" " Tonight even monkeys will dance." "Get up!" "What's the surprise?" " You'll see." "Tell me now." " It won't be one if I tell you." "Guys, check these out." " Sartlila, they're for the game!" "Fatso!" "Idiot!" "Freakin' fatso!" "You're gonna die if you don't throw it out!" "A night of surprises!" "Guys, what are you doing?" " Watch out!" "You sure this is a good idea?" "Let's get out of here." "Let's go." "Don't do this." "Please, let's not do this." "You know whose window that is?" " Yes, I do." "This is no joke." "We might end up in real deep shit." "Stop." "You'll give me diarrhea." "What should I write?" " Write 'Commander is the best."" "Right." "And my number." " What?" "Idiot!" " Do something!" "Who?" "Holy shit." " What is it?" "We need a change of plan." " What?" "Jari Litmanen's honor is in our hands." " Whose?" "What?" "Is Litmanen there?" " His statue is in there." "What statue?" " Stupid!" "We're not going to steal Litmanen statues." "Of course we are." " Come down, for fuck's sake!" "The idiot's not going to notice it's gone." " I'm out of this." "This is crazy." " I'll go." "Go." " Come down." "Come down!" "I'll go." "Go ahead." "This is so cool." " We'll so blow this." " I know." "What?" "Pete!" "Pete!" "Yesterday this defender hit me right in my calf, from behind." "My thighs are so tight." "Pumpkin." "You sure you want me to wash only your back?" "Let's make some music..." "What the fuck are you doing?" "We came to see where you went." "We're the happy thieves." " Yeah, yeah." "Go!" "Quick!" "we got jari!" "Nothing is as lovely as watching jari litmanen" "I'll go get dressed." "Is it okay if we eat a little later?" "Yes." "Yes." "That's it." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Pete." "Save yourself and the statue." "You have to leave me here." " Come on." "I'm stuck." "Shit." " What the fuck?" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " Wait!" "He." "s in!" "This was a perfect gig!" "We waited ten years." "This day will be remembered forever." "Anybody else hungry?" " Sports store salesman, put a scarf on." "My humble thanks." "Hi." "Hi" "Is this the atmosphere?" "When will I feel like I belong?" "Where's your date?" " She took her daughter to ballet." "Holy shit." "You're dating a single mom?" "What's so funny, plumpy?" "Fatso was this close to getting rid of his virginity last night." "A couple of centimeters." "Isn't Emmi coming?" " She is." "Pete." "I need to tell you something about Emmi." "Larvio." "Isn't that your favorite boy?" "What the fuck?" "Tuukka won't be playing?" "Who's that other guy?" " It's his dad." "It can't be his dad." "It would be a sick relationship." "Right." " Why does he have crutches?" "Emmi's coming." " Not a word about last night." "A gentleman never kisses and tells." " Hi." "Where are your hot pants?" "Put a scarf on." "Today's a big day." " Hi." "What's the matter?" " I guess it's your lucky day, huh?" "What?" " A bunch of teenagers broke in through Tuukka's window." "He busted his knee chasing them." "And now he can't play." " He didn't see anything?" "No." "He said it was dark and all." "Teenagers?" " if I see them, I will saw their pathetic little dicks off." "So will I." "It's not your fault." "Today's a big day." "I don't want to let anything ruin it." " Let's make some noise." "KuPa!" "Bigger than the globe!" "We're so going into the third division." "United!" " Matias, I saw an ass running around in the woods!" "Go stick your little dick in it!" "That's it." "Do it!" "Do it." " Score!" "Jesus motherfuckin' Christ!" "It was close." "This game sucks big time." "Tuukka is a homo!" " You can't yell that anymore!" "Why not?" "." "He's not playing!" "Besides, you can't call a homo 'homo.' or you can, but it's not funny." "Get it?" " Sure." "Good job, boys!" "What did I tell you?" "This is so great!" "We'll climb into the third division." "Calm down, guys." "There's still time left." "It's a done deal." "Matias!" "Choke on a cucumber!" "Eat poop, diarrhea faces!" "I told you this was going to happen, didn't I?" " You did." "You're idiots!" " Ugly idiots!" "I wish I'd never been born so that I wouldn't have to see this shit." "I'll come with you." "Commander." "Can we watch the game?" " No." "It'll be over soon." " I don't want to watch crap." "C'mon, guys!" "This is an important game!" "Now!" " I won't be fooled that easily." "Penalty kick!" "I told you we'd make it into the third division, didn't I?" " Yes." "It's not looking good." "If this one goes in, I'll go on a diet." "I think I love you." "You say that because your team won." " Maybe." "But I think I have feelings for you." " You think?" "I do!" " Quiet." "I think I love you." "That's enough!" "Slop!" "I love you too!" " Me too!" "Let's go party!" " Sure!" "KuPa!" "Bigger than the globe!" " That's right." "Quiet." "Stop." "We waited ten years, but it was worth it." " Yeah." "This is the happiest day of my life." " True." "Vesander, welcome to our club." "Asshole." " Grow pubes, boy." "Vesander, you're in my gang now." "Pete is a great guy." "Hold onto him." " I will." "You don't find guys like him easily." "Cheers." "To the third division and Emmi." "Don't break Pete's heart." " I couldn't do that." "You sure?" "What?" " What are you talking about?" "I found a photo." " What photo?" " Yesterday." "How did you get this?" "I couldn't fit in the closet..." " I gave it to you." "No." "I got under the bed and found it..." "Shut up!" " Is Tuukka the ex with a big dick?" "How big?" " A giant mushroom." " A horse cock?" "So it wasn't teenagers who broke in." " Emmi." "So you've known all along he's gay?" " Shut up!" "Only you are stupid enough to steal a jari Litmanen statue." "It was an accident." " Whose idea was it?" "What a surprise." "It was an accident." " Was it fun?" " Yes." "No." " Tuukka busted his knee!" "We never meant to hurt anyone." "I'm not like that." "Asshole." "We were supposed to party..." " Shut up for once, midget!" "Emmi." "Please, don't go." "I know women." "She'll be back." "Believe me." "In the spirit of fair play - and on behalf of United fans:" "congratulations." "A victory is a victory, no matter how it's achieved." "If you don't get lost, you'll find yourselves in the cemetery." "We come here for reconciliation and this is what we get?" "Jerks like you ruin the reputation of division soccer." "Pussy juice like you ruins the reputation of all little girls." "Oh shit." "Time to go, huh?" "Let's go!" "Annukka!" " Hi." "We're the only married men in our gang, right?" "Fuck." "Emmi!" "Fuck." "Emmi." "Please listen to me." "Give me a minute." " The clock's ticking." "I didn't time this." " Spit it out!" "I had no idea about the idiotic plan for Tuukka's apartment." "You were there." " Yeah, I was." "So you lied." "Why?" "Why?" " I don't know." "I'm stupid." "Tuukka was right from the beginning." "I was an idiot and told him - that even though you're emotionally handicapped, - you're the nicest and most genuine person I've ever met." "I feel I can trust you." "You can." "Was this just a joke to you?" "No." "Emmi" "Fuck." "Where have you been?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "It doesn't matter." "We broke up." " Of course it matters." "You hid information." "Let a spy enter our camp." "Let it be." "Why didn't you tell me?" " You would've gone crazy." "You're right." "I would've." "I'm so tired." "Climbing takes its toll on you." "We waited ten years." "Then we'll wait ten years to get into the second division." "You think we'll be standing on the sidelines at forty?" " Yes." "What else would I be doing?" "Good night!" "Miinkkii!" " It's this close, Kaikkonen!" "KuPa celebrates climbing up - big day for fans" "That's music to my ears." "My throat hurts." " The dark side of success is fucking your palate." "Although I can't sense the success here." "What did you think of the game?" " It was shit." "That counter wasn't made for sitting." "Attention!" "What is your problem?" "The building will be bulldozed." "They're going to build a friggin' shopping mall here." "You can get the hell out." "Have a nice life." "Who was that cranky moped-riding midget?" " Simo, your boss." "That was Simo?" " That was Simo." "I imagined him differently." " Where am I gonna find a new job?" "I've got a big lady to feed." " Kill the fatso." "Now you'll have time to focus on your women." "Stud." "Fuck." "How do you like it here so far?" "I like it." "I always knew you were a smart guy." "Unlike the imbeciles you were forced to hang outwith." "Yeah." "Larvio, you're my man." "We're going out for a drink after work." "Why don't you join us." " I'll think about it." "The boss is coming too." "There will be a position open in the automation department soon." "Two shifts." "I'm sure you'd like it." "Here we go." "Black shots." "The company's paying." "Pete." "Welcome to our team." "Matias said you're a good guy." " It was nice of him to hire you." "You'll be friends when you forget about the soccer incident." "Pete and I are smart enough - not to let soccer ruin our friendship." "Especially now that the girl is gone." "Who?" "Tuukka Tiensuu." "He won't play anymore." "Why not?" " He found something more interesting." "What's that?" " Dick work." "How did you know?" " That he's a homosexual?" "He said so in an interview." "He said he's in love with his boyfriend Stefan." "Stefan must be over 50." " He could've done better." "Now that we got rid of fruity pants, let's drink to it." "I'm more into ice hockey." " Who isn't?" "To the Finnish National Hockey Team!" "Pete, have a shot." "For the hockey team!" " Larvio!" "What are you..." "Pete." "You must understand you're nothing without Tuukka." "Besides, he was too good for hockey jerks like you." "In Commander's words:" ""Choke on shit."" "You're late." "Emmi left for Helsinki already." "I wanted to talk to you." "I'm really sorry for everything." "Especially the knee." "It was the world's dumbest thing to do." "I wondered what that smell was." "It smells rotten." "Like a sewer." "Anyway, here's the statue." "Sarttila forgot to give it back." " Forgot?" "Well.." " You can fondle it when we're gone." "Uh-huh." "Where are you going?" " To Playa del Ingles." "I admit; it's pretty gay." "Stefan has bad taste in things other than his hat." " I heard that." "Tuukka." "I want you to know I'm really sorry." "I didn't want the season to end like this." "It doesn't matter." "But you owe me a knee." "There's room in the backseat." "We're headed the same way, aren't we?" "You're a bunch of losers." "You're dumb as a whale's ass." "How come it's so difficult to understand - that it's KuPa?" "Ku and Pa." " KuPa." "Larvio." "We're revising our stuff since we can't joke about gays anymore." "But there's no point until fatso learns his ABC's." "Pete." "Are you gonna play tonight?" " Of course he is." "Rim" "What?" "I think I lost a girl" "Go!" "Don't come back without her." "Okay." " I'll be back before next season starts." "I promise." "See you tomorrow." " Yeah." "Bye." "This division is a joke." "We'll crush them." " Easily." "Okay, Fanatics." "Let's make some noise." "Get off your asses!" "We'll climb into the second division" "Kupa will always be Finland': best team!" "What is this shit?" "Translated by Aretta Vähälä Proofread by Rich Lyons" "That was shit." "Let's do it again." "Terrible diarrhea."