"All right, all right." "I'm going to clean it." "I'm going to clean it." "Keep all on." "I must say, they drive me around the bend." "All right." "Greetings, citizens, greetings." "The prologue." "Now, today is a big public holiday in Pompeii, a big public holiday." "It is the Festival of the Vestal Virgins, or commonly known as VV day." "Now, please." "Now, please, don't mess about." "Oh, don't lower the tone of it already." "Now." "VV day." "Now, every year at this time, we choose a maiden from among our womenfolk, a maiden who is pure in mind and body, a maiden upon whose fair skin man's hand has never set foot." "Now, this lucky girl will receive a prize and she will be crowned Miss Miracle of BC 72." "Now, the prize she gets will consist of 1,000 drachmas, a week's holiday in Rome, and a night out with Mark Antony." "Now, if after this, her status is unchanged, she will return home, and she will join the other vestal virgins in the temple." "And I'm sure the both of them will be glad to receive her." "Now, in BC 72..." "Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio!" "I was just working myself up, then." "Oh, yes, master?" "(STAMMERING)" "Yes." "Yes." "Calm down, now." "(STAMMERING) I'm all out of breath." "You're what?" "You're what, sir?" "I'm all out of breath." "I know, you're coming in short pants." "He is." "That's not a gag." "That's not a gag." "Look, he is." "Look." "He should be wearing his long ones this time of the year." "There's a cold wind seething round the acropolis." "(STAMMERING) No, listen, Lurcio." "Listen." "Yes, oh dear." "Don't..." "Listen." "Now, calm, master." "Oh, dear." "See, he upsets himself." "That's the trouble." "No, listen, Lurcio, listen." "Listen." "Look, sit down, master." "No, look, go make yourselves a cup of coffee or something." "He may go on like this for hours." "I'll call out when he's ready." "Listen." "No, no... (WHEEZING)" "Oh, dear." "Have a good wheeze." "He could do with a good wheeze about this time." "Actually, no, poor old devil, no." "No, the trouble is, you see, he's been overdoing it." "Or perhaps I should say, he's been over-trying to do it." "No, the thing is, he's got this burden, he's got this additional burden because he's been made the chairman of the committee that's got to select these vestal virgins, you see, and he's past it." "Oh, I mean, he's still..." "He's still got an eye, he still looks at a pretty girl, but, you know, there's no fire in his eyes, they're all bunged up with clinker." "What he needs is a good riddle." "Better, now, Lurcio." "Ah, master." "Oh, Lurcio, I shall need your help." "Yes, master." "Well, you see, the master of ceremonies for the Festival of the Vestal Virgins" "hasn't turned up." "Oh, dear." "There's nobody to introduce things." "Oh." "You will have to do it, Lurcio." "Well, I can't do it, master." "I'm just going to do the prologue." "Oh, well, I can't help that." "This is far more important." "Oh." "Damnation!" "Damnation!" "Oh, it's that dreary soothsayer." "Woe, woe!" "Poor soul, she's lost her horse." "Whoa." "Oh, what a dreary woman." "What does she want?" "I don't know." "I know what she's likely to get, master." "Woe is me." "I have come hotfoot from the temple." "Yes, so I can tell." "Yes, I shall stand upwind of you now." "The gods have given me a sign." "Yes, they've given us one too, dear." ""No soothsaying this side."" "So please sooth off." "Would you mind?" "The festival is doomed!" "No virgin will be found in Pompeii this day, and the gods will be angry." "Fire and brimstone will rain down on the city, the very ground will tremble, and all shall perish in the destruction." "And that is the end of the weather forecast." "Woe, woe, woe!" "Oh, silly old bag." "She is." "Mind you..." "Well, she can't help it, because she's had this..." "She had this very unhappy marriage, you know." "Oh, yes." "Her husband was a centaur." "A centaur, that's..." "Wait a minute and find out what it is." "'Cause you could be wrong." "In fact, you are, missus." "Now, listen." "A centaur is half man, half horse." "And, you see, unfortunately with her, poor soul, the top half was horse." "No, don't laugh." "It's not funny, because when he got the bit between his teeth, there was no stopping him." "And he wasn't particular which bit of her it was, either." "Lurcio, Lurcio." "What on earth was she talking about?" "No virgins to be found in all Pompeii?" "Oh, why, it's absolute balderdash." "Oh, I've never heard dash so balder, yes." "I can think of quite a number." "Well, there's my friend Catulus' daughter." "Oh, a delightful child." "Yes." "Master, she's..." "The only thing is, she's... (WHISPERING)" "No, no!" "Yes." "Definitely." "Tut, tut, tut, tut." "Yes." "Oh, bags of tut, in the catacombs." "Oh, no!" "Tut, tut, tut, tut." "Oh, well, there's that fair girl that lives down the road." "Do you know, the one with the big..." "But she's also got a big..." "You see." "Yes, also down the catacombs." "It's rife." "It's rife." "Oh, no." "Tut, tut, tut, tut." "Oh, no." "What a terrible thing." "Oh, well, anyway, I'm sure there will be plenty of contestants when the day arrives." "Yes." "And anyway, we mustn't forget my dear daughter, Erotica." "Oh, no." "No, don't forget her." "Don't worry." "She mustn't be overlooked, you know." "Oh, don't worry, she hasn't been overlooked, believe me." "Oh, quite, quite." "Oh, oh, Lurcio." "Is that the time?" "Well, it's a bit fast, but it's more or less..." "Well, I must make haste." "Yes, master." "Master, look." "Must I do this job?" "Couldn't..." "I'm sure the real emcee will turn up." "No, not a chance." "'Tis said his ship is foundered on the rocks." "Oh, master." "No, the coast is clear, isn't it?" "What's that?" "I said, the coast is clear, isn't it?" "Why, yes, come on up." "Isn't it marvellous?" "A whole ship has to be destroyed so she can get a laugh on her entrance." "It's only you, dear." "Oh, my dear Ammonia," "I trust you're ready for it." "Why, Ludicrus, you haven't said anything to me like that since our honeymoon." "Naughty." "What?" "Oh, no, no, no!" "No, no." "I meant the Festival of the Vestal Virgins." "You are coming, my dear, aren't you?" "What?" "As a spectator, mistress." "Oh, yes, of course." "I wouldn't miss that for anything." "Good!" "Good, my dear." "Ah, me." "I can remember the year I was chosen." "What a remarkable memory." "There's not many people that can remember things that happened in their early childhood." "Let's face it..." "Not that I'm suggesting that she was promiscuous." "Oh, no." "But it's no secret that she was known all around as Madeira because she was a piece of cake." "The prologue." "Ah, we'll rest here for a minute." "LURCIO:" "Hello." "Hello, hello." "Now." "You see that dark one there?" "Now, that is Noxious." "Noxious, he's the keeper of the Ludi Puerorum club." "That's "Boy of the Play" club." "(MOUTHING WORDS SILENTLY)" "Funny place." "The girls there all walk around topless." "Topless!" "Oh, yes." "If you want to play, you have to bring your own top." "Thank you!" "Yes." "Now, the other one next to him, there, the pretty, plump one, now, he's Piteous." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Here, what are we waiting for?" "You're wrong, it's a man." "Well, give a little, take a little." "The thing was..." "No, listen, you see, it's a sad story, because he was in this war in Britannicus, and unfortunately, he got a bit too close to Boadicea's chariot, and it cut off his retreat." "And he's..." "You know, he's..." "Hello." "They're up to no good, I'll be bound." "I must tell my master, Ludicrus." "Ask him." "Excuse me." "(IMITATING PITEOUS) Pardon?" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Is this the house of Ludicrus Sextus?" "Yes, it is the house." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "He's got a funny voice, hasn't he?" "I was just trying to be tactful, wasn't I?" "I was trying to make him feel one of us." "It's the last time I shall help the underprivileged." "LUDICRUS:" "Lurcio!" "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes, master." "Oh, dear." "I hope it's not catching." "Ah, so that's where that old fool Ludicrus lives." "You mean the senator that wants to abolish all bawdy houses like yours?" "Yes, but, please, try not to talk so much, you might strain something else." "Oh, I am going to get even with him today." "I am going to make of him the laughing stock of the whole of the Roman Empire." "How?" "Well, you know that he is responsible for selecting this year's vestal virgin." "Yes." "Well, I have discovered that so far," "there are only two competitors entered for it." "Yes." "Well, what I have done, I have paid them to keep away, see?" "And I've got two of my girls to take their place." "(NOXIOUS LAUGHING)" "But if they're your girls, they won't be virgins." "I know that, you old fool!" "That's the whole point." "When those two girls get up on that platform..." "Ah, never mind." "Come on." "Lurcio, Lurcio." "Yes, mistress." "Coming, mistress." "I have need of your services." "Oh." "Lurcio, Lurcio." "Lurcio, I tell you." "I tell you." "I tell you..." "Yes, calm, master." "(STAMMERING) I tell you." "I tell..." "We shall never finish this show at this rate, will we?" "I can't..." "I can't..." "I can't find Erotica anywhere." "She's not in her room." "Oh, well, perhaps..." "Perhaps she hasn't returned home yet, master." "Oh, what time did she go out?" "Yesterday evening." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yesterday evening?" "You see, it is catching, you see." "(IMITATING LUDICRUS) "Yesterday"..." "Up high, there." "You mean our daughter has been out all night?" "It's all perfectly innocent, Ludicrus." "She went on one of those night excursions to Vesuvius to see the red hot lava flow." "Oh, yes." "You know who with, don't you?" "That young gladiator, Stupendous." "And you won't..." "You won't find a bigger red-hot lava than him, I'm telling you." "Well, I can't wait any longer." "No." "I must get down to the Forum." "You better wait for Erotica and bring her." "Yes, I do so want her to enter for the Festival of the Vestal Virgins, you know." "Come along, Lurcio." "Come along." "Yes, yes." "Lurcio." "Yes, mistress." "Come and sit here a minute." "Yes, mistress." "I don't want you to let Erotica enter for the competition." "What, for the virgin competition?" "No, I don't." "I don't really think she's suited to that sort of thing, do you?" "Oh, no, definitely not." "I mean, she's lost..." "She's lost the..." "She hasn't..." "Well, I mean, what's the word?" "She's..." "She hasn't got the..." "Exactly." "Well, it isn't that I don't trust her, of course." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "No, but, well, then, she does know an awful lot of young gladiators, and I know what winning ways they have." "Hear now the wise words of Plautus." "It is a well-known fact, that if all the girls who went out with Roman gladiators were laid end-to-end, no one would be at all surprised." "(RATTLING)" "Eyes down for a full domicile." "Moon and sun, 31." "ALL:" "Moon and sun, 31." "Horn of plenty, number 20." "ALL:" "Horn of plenty, number 20." "Scots and Picts, 66." "ALL:" "Scots and Picts..." "Eureka!" "Eureka!" "Blessings, my son." "You have won a Grecian urn." "What's a Grecian urn?" "Five drachmas a day." "What..." "What do you mean it's an old gag?" "It was new in these days, remember that." "Folks, we've come to the main event of the day." "Yes, it's VV time!" "(FANFARE AND CHEERING)" "Judged this year by your own..." "Your very own Senator Ludicrus Sextus." "(FANFARE AND APPLAUSE)" "And introduced by that well-known slave about town, Lurcio!" "(LIGHT APPLAUSE)" "And for you, Lurcio, tonight opportunatus knockus." "Well, he's got a better part than I have." "It's not right, you know." "It's a better part than I've got." "Now, thank you for that tumultuous welcome." "May I now introduce the virgin competitors for this festival." "Will you please mount...er, the daeus?" "(FANFARE AND WHISTLING)" "Only two?" "This is virgin on the ridiculous." "(LAUGHING) "Virgin"..." "Please yourselves." "All right." "Will the first competitor please step forward?" "(WHISTLING IN CROWD) That's it, now, don't be shy." "Don't be shy." "Now, tell me..." "What is your name?" "Tittea." "Tittea." "How do you spell that?" "With two "T's"..." "Oh." "...but they're not pronounced." "Pardon?" "They're not pronounced." "Oh, I wouldn't say that." "Now, Tittea." "Tittea." "I want you to say, truthfully and honestly..." "Answer a question." "Now, are you pure and mind of..." "Ah, I'll say it again..." "Do that bit again." "Now..." "It's a lot to learn all this, you know." "Now..." "It's putting me off..." "Turn that way, darling." "No bra or anything." "Now, tell me, Tittea..." "No, that's not right." "It's not." "Take seven." "Now, tell me, Tittea..." "Now, tell me, are you pure in mind and body?" "Of course I am." "(THUNDERCLAP)" "What on earth's happening?" "Oh, that witch was right, you see?" "The gods are angry because the girl lied." "Down with Ludicrus!" "Get him out of the Senate!" "PITEOUS:" "Down with Ludicrus!" "Oh, now, please." "Let us deport ourselves with decorum." "Oh, I'd like to deport you and Ludicrus." "Deport!" "Deport!" "Silence, silence, please." "There's been some mistake." "Will the second and last of the virgin competitors please step forward." "As for you, go home and wash your mouth out with soap, you naughty Tittea." "Go!" "Forward, please." "Now, don't be shy." "(WHISTLING FROM CROWD)" "That's right." "Now." "Are you sure we've got the right ones?" "Well, I certainly hope so." "Right, you can stop your motor, dear." "Now, tell me..." "Tell me, what's your name?" "Virginia." "Oh, that sounds more hopeful, doesn't it?" "Right." "Now, erm, tell me, now." "Are you pure..." "No, erm..." "Let's rephrase this, shall we?" "Now, don't..." "Now, take your time." "I always do." "Oh, yes." "Now." "Is the ought that you ought not to have ought..." "Yes, and not been caught." "No..." "Is there ought that you were not to have done, had you been able to do it, but said no at the time?" "You see?" "Now, you have 30 seconds to answer." "Well, I don't need 30 seconds." "I'm a good girl." "(THUNDERCLAP)" "Down with Ludicrus!" "He's a fake!" "(JEERING)" "Oh, dear." "Oh..." "Welcome to Dodge City." "Oh, what a disgrace." "My first year as chairman and not a virgin to be found." "Lurcio." "What?" "You must go straight back home and bring my dear daughter, Erotica." "Your daughter, Erotica?" "Yes." "What's the good of bringing her?" "What do you mean what's the good of bringing her?" "Well, I mean, she's not a..." "I mean, she..." "Oh, how could I tell him?" "Poor old devil." "I mean, it's a bit awkward." "Come along." "Come along, Lurcio." "Speak up, speak up." "Well, you see, look, your daughter, Erotica..." "Now, human nature being what it is..." "Yes." "...and after all, accidents will happen, you know." "Yes." "Have you considered the possibility that she might not be..." "Yes!" "...at home?" "Well, in that case, find another virgin somewhere." "I'll willingly pay 500 drachmas for one." "500 drachmas." "500 drachmas." "Do you know, I could buy my freedom with 500 drachmas?" "Oh, dear." "500 drachmas." "Now, where to find one, though." "The Virgin Islands." "No, that's too far to go." "Alice Springs." "No, that's the trouble, she always does." "Cork." "No, that gag's been cut." "I suppose one of you wouldn't care to volunteer, would you?" "Is there a virgin in the house?" "There must be one." "There must be one, now." "Yes?" "PLAUTUS:" "No!" "No!" "Eh?" "No, what?" "Why not?" "It is a well-known fact that in those days, audience participation was restricted solely to putting their thumbs up." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "What is the use?" "I've interviewed every female between here and the Forum." "All I've got, so far, are ten peals of thunder and 20 latchkeys." "I don't know what to do." "I mean, you'd think, wouldn't you, there'd be someone pure in mind and body, even here." "Oh, cruel, cruel world." "Hello." "How dearly I would love to leave it." "Ah, now this is my master's son, Nausius." "Nausius is a strange boy." "Oh, very strange." "Likes to write poetry, that's his trouble." "Doesn't know what he wants to be:" "He, she or it." "Excuse me." "Ah, young master, what's the matter?" "Oh, Lurcio, I'm desolate." "Are you?" "Desolate." "Why?" "What's amiss?" "A missus before marriage." ""A missus before marriage."" "They get all the best lines." "I must have this stopped, you know." "It's not right." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Oh, Lurcio." "I met this most beautiful young maiden." "And now she pays me no heed." "Pays you no heed?" "See, I've inscribed an ode to her." "Yeah, well, I thought you might have done." "Oh." ""Ode To The Fair Malaria."" "What a pretty name." ""Oh, how my heart turns over" "When e'er I see her pass..."" "Oh, yes." "Get ready." ""Those lovely dimples in her cheeks" "And the others in her knees."" "I was lost for a word to rhyme there." "Yes." "You're the only one who was, I might say." "You see, you need more background material." "There you are, sir." "Now she will have naught to do with me." "Ah, no wonder you're cross." "You see, naughts, crosses." "Naughts and crosses." "Come on, don't doze off." "Come on, keep awake." "Do you know why she's given me up?" ""No, why?" said he, turning into a straight man, for which I want to see the script writer after the show." "Why did she give you up?" "Because I wouldn't do what she wanted me to." "Ooh!" "And what did she want you to do, stop or not stop?" "Oh, please don't joke about it, Lurcio." "Oh, I'm sorry." "No, I don't understand girls." "No?" "They only seem to want one thing." "Well, judging..." "Judging from my inquiries recently, they've been getting it, too." "I can't seem to make them understand that I'm just not that kind of a boy." "Oh..." "Oh." "I see." "Do you mean to say you've never, sort of..." "Bit of, you know..." "Under..." "You've never been in the catacombs for..." "I mean, you know, you've never consorted with a girl?" "Why, of course not, Lurcio." "Well, not even the odd Sunday consort?" "Physical love belongs to the blissful state of marriage." "Yes." "And I'm saving myself for it." "Yeah..." "He's strange, isn't he?" "Isn't he strange?" "No wonder he's saving himself." "Nobody else would bother to, let's face it." "Now, isn't it just my luck, the only person I find pure in mind and body is a boy." "I mean, it's... (MOUTHING SILENTLY)" "I wonder." "It might work, you see." "One of his mother's wigs, one of his sister's gowns, a bit of his father's sticking plaster." "And..." "(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)" "I should be ashamed." "Who could tell the difference?" "Master, if you're besotted with this girl, if you're in love with this girl, why don't you marry her?" "Alas, I have no money, Lurcio." "No money?" "Oh, how fortunate." "How would you like to earn yourself 100 drachmas?" "How?" "How, yes." "Come into the building and I'll tell you." "Come inside." "And I'll get 100 drachmas?" "Oh, if you play your cards right, you'll get more than that." "You'll get a week's holiday in Rome and a night out with Mark Antony." "(BOOING AND JEERING)" "No, no." "No, no, no." "No, citizens!" "Citizens, please!" "There will be another contestant here in a moment." "I promise you." "You said that half an hour ago!" "Where is she?" "Sir, sir, sir..." "Citizens, citizens." "We have a new virgin here." "Carry on, Lurcio." "Yes, yes." "Yes, a new competitor, and the last one." "Now, citizens, I present to you the lovely, untouched-by-human-hand," "Delilah." "Come along, Delilah." "Don't be shy." "A warm hand for Delilah." "Now, there we are." "Now, all right?" "(WHISPERING) Don't forget you promised to have me away immediately afterwards." "Yes, well, I'll do my best." "Right." "Citizens, pay attention." "Now, Delilah, will you tell us all in one accord if you are pure in mind and body." "Yes." "He's done it, or, rather, he hasn't done it, if you see what I mean." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to catch a matinee at the Colosseum." "So, will you excuse us?" "No, no." "Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio." "What?" "I must present the award." "Ah, well..." "Yes, yes." "As chairman of the Selection Committee, it is my proud privilege..." "My proud privilege to name you as Miss Vestal Virgin of BC 72." "(POPPING)" "(AIR HISSING)" "Oh, dear." "He's been de-puffed." "Honestly, you must feel a right Charlie, don't you?" "It was the right Charlie, wasn't it?" "Oh, dear." "Let's get out of here." "Quick." "(CROWD JEERING AND HECKLING)" "Young lady, young lady." "I'm most terribly sorry." "I can't think what happened." "Well, you see, these things..." "Punctures happen in the best of circles." "So don't worry, master." "The thing is, I'll get her home now." "You see?" "Yes." "Oh, and she can't go home yet." "She has to go to the Temple of Vesta." "Oh, she can't." "I mean, she has to go home to feed the kids." "Feed the kids?" "The kid goats." "Yes, she's a goatherd..." "A goatherdess, aren't you?" "I can't help that." "The High Priestess has to initiate her." "Oh, you don't want initiating, do you, dear?" "No, of course not." "It's against your religion, isn't it?" "Oh, no, no, Lurcio." "It's quite a simple ceremony." "The vestals disrobe her, and then they initiate her in the circumscribed manner." "Oh, she had that done when she was a baby." "Didn't she?" "Yes." "Oh, yes." "No, look, I'll get a chariot, master, a chariot, and you go and powder your nose or something." "Powder your nose." "NAUSIUS:" "Excuse me." "Yes, I'll get her chariot." "Yes, you get the chariot." "Oh, Lurcio, Lurcio, she's gone into the wrong one." "Yes, well, she's so pure, you see, she doesn't know the difference between men and women yet, that's the trouble." "Ha!" "Now I can see daylight." "Oh, excuse me, Senator." "I could not help overhearing what you were saying just now." "And we would be glad to be of help." "Help?" "BOTH:" "Yes!" "Yes, we have a chariot outside, and we would be glad to take the young lady to the temple." "Oh, no, no, I couldn't think of putting you to that trouble." "Oh, no trouble at all, Senator." "A pleasure, in fact." "Aha!" "There she is now." "Come along, my dear." "Oh, no, no." "Oh, no, no." "But, tut, tut, tut..." "No, I can't." "I can't think what's happening." "Master, master." "Now, I've got the chariot." "Has she come out yet?" "No, no." "She's gone to the temple." "Gone to the temple?" "Yes." "Two men came and took her off in their chariot." "What?" "Oh, master, you can't." "That was..." "That was Nausius, your son." "Yes, yes, yes, I know." "That maiden was Nausius, your son." "(EXCLAIMING) Nausius, my son?" "In the Temple of Vesta?" "Oh, the disgrace." "Oh, what a terrible shock." "What a shock for those vestals." "When they start to circumscribe him." "Oh, dear." "Now, let's go." "There you are, my dear." "Oh, you're going to have a lovely time in there." "All girls together." "Ah." "Afternoon, miss." "Good afternoon." "This is Miss VV of BC 72, with the compliments of Senator Ludicrus." "Do come in." "(CHUCKLING)" "And if that doesn't finish him, nothing will." "Oh, dear." "I hope I'm not too late to save him." "It's very tricky, this, you know, because no man is allowed to set foot inside the Temple of Vesta." "It's very difficult." "Ooh..." "Ooh, look." "Oh, look, look, look." "Ooh." "Look." "All those lovely young vestals." "What a wicked waste." "When you think of thousands of hungry men all over the world could do with those." "You see, all they have to do..." "They look so bored." "They're so bored." "All they have to do is to tend the flame." "Well, what can you do with a flame?" "Nothing, except snuff it or trim it." "That's all you can do." "Oh, poor souls." "I feel..." "I mean, I feel I'd like to do something for them, you know." "Look, here." "Look, look, look." "Look." "Oh, don't push, don't shove." "There's plenty of room for us all to look." "Look." "Oh, they're starting the initiation ceremony." "You see that blonde piece?" "That's the High Priestess of the virgins, you see." "She's a kind of shop steward." "She does damn all herself and makes sure nobody else does either, you see." "Now, look." "Oh." "Oh, dear." "Oh, they..." "Oh, I must save him before they start bathing him." "LUDICRUS:" "Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio!" "Oh!" "Oh, there." "Oh, there, oh, there, oh, there." "Oh, I'll say your line." "Oh, Lurcio, I brought your..." "My daughter here." "Oh, master, have you?" "What's the use of that?" "Well, what do you mean, "What's the use of that?"?" "I shall explain to the High Priestess and get her to take Erotica instead of Nausius." "That is, unless he's been already exposed." "Oh, no, no." "There's been no screams..." "Oh, yes?" "...of delight." "Now, Erotica, my dear, before we go in, I must ask you one question." "I must ask you to answer me simply and honestly." "Oh, of course, Daddy, dear." "What is it?" "Get ready for it." "It's merely a formality." "Are you pure in mind and body?" "Oh, why, of course I am, Daddy." "(CHUCKLING) Excellent." "Excellent." "Well, you could have fooled me." "Were you telling the truth?" "Yes." "What about all those young gladiators?" "Not one of those?" "No." "Oh, they must all be one of those." "No, wait!" "Stop, wait!" "How dare you enter this place?" "It is forbidden to men." "(STUTTERING) Oh, I'm terribly sorry, High Priestess, but this is an emergency." "There's been a terrible mistake." "Mistake?" "Yes, you see, this maiden is not at all what he seems to be." "Er, what she seems to be." "I mean he..." "I mean she..." "Oh, Lurcio!" "Yes." "Madam." "I mean, miss, you see, owing to circumstances beyond our control, you've got the wrong one here." "What do you mean?" "How wrong?" "Oh, very wrong, you see." "Yes." "As a matter of fact, you see... (WHISPERING)" "I see." "And how did this happen?" "Well, you see, she was bending over the well, and..." "To draw some water, and unfortunately she got a bit more than she bargained for." "Oh, wretched girl!" "Yes, wretched girl." "Yes, you see." "Now, that girl, Erotica, is the one you should have." "I see." "Yes." "And how do I know this one is chaste?" "Oh, madam." "Believe me, she is as pure as you are." "I am the High Priestess of the vestals." "None can be purer in mind and body than I." "(THUNDERCLAP)" "Did you see that?" "The High Priestess of the virgins!" "There's a lying cow." "Would you believe that?" "It's the shock of my life." "You could have knocked me down with a meteorite." "I'll bet she's been down the catacombs." "I'll bet you." "I wonder who she's had it..." "I wonder who she's..." "I wonder who it was." "I'll tell you one thing, it wasn't me, that's for sure." "(THUNDERCLAP)" "That's right." "Tell..." "Tell the whole neighbourhood." "Oh, dear, you can't keep any secrets here in Pompeii." "Never mind." "See you all next week." "Salute." "Salute."