" Where are you?" " I'm, uh..." "I'm not sure." "Good morning, sleepy head." "I'm going to have to call you back." "So I'm just going to hop in the shower, okay?" "Unless you want to join me." "Oh." "Uh, nah." "You go ahead and I'm just-- I'm going to kick back for a bit." " Okay." " Okay!" " Lost Tracks." " Bowie!" "It's me!" "I'm at Natalie's apartment in her bed." "And I have no idea how I got here." "Okay." "Do exactly as I say and I will get you out of this." "First, find your pants." "Find my pants!" "My pants." "My pants." "My pants." "They will probably be crumpled in a heap at the bottom of the bed." "Oh, okay." "Okay." "Yes." "Yes." "I got my pants." "Putting on pants." "I'm putting them on now." "Stop!" "There will very likely be three or four stray hairs of an incriminating color." "You will need a lint roller." "Don't have a lint roller!" "Check the dresser." "Top right drawer on the left if she's left-handed." "Uh, got it." "Uh, delinting now." "Good." "Now do you have your shirt on?" "No." "Ah!" "She was wearing it when she went in the bathroom." "That's not good." "You're going to need that shirt, son." "Oh, wait a minute." "I think I see it." "I think I see it." "I'm putting the shirt on." "I'm putting the shirt on." "Good." "Now check your body for glitter." "Bowie, she's not a stripper." "Oh, okay, you can skip that one." "Shh!" "The shower just stopped." "Damn." "That's not good." "Locate an exit and go." "Get out of there." "Go!" "Shouldn't I leave a note or something?" " Oh, you're killing me, rookie!" "Okay." "Take this down." "Dear Baby Doll." "Baby Doll?" " Do it!" "Dear Baby Doll..." "Committed Season 1 episode 13 The Perfect Person Episode Part 2" "You're going to love this." "So I'm pulling in some extra cash babysitting that 11-year-old Zach down in 5B and I find this stuffed in a book." " Look." " Uh-huh." "Apparently, he's reading "James and the Giant Peaches."" "I thought kids got their porn on the internet these days." "He's kind of an old soul." "Tess, I can't really do this right now." "Nate called and he's on his way over." "Yeah." "So what's the deal?" "Where the hell was he last night?" "I don't know." "He sounded really weird on the phone, Tess." "This is the last time I send my boyfriend on a date with another woman, I'll you that right now." "Can I help you?" "I got a new robe and no one even noticed." " Hey." " Hey." "Hey!" "So where were you?" "Okay." "Look, here's the thing." "I" "Do you mind if I explain this to her?" " It's okay, Tess." " Fine." "You hurt her and I will cut that pretty face." "I swear I will." "Okay." "Look, here's the thing." "Everything's good." "Everything's good." "It's all good, okay?" "" " Uh..." "I went out to dinner with Natalie and I felt no connection with her whatsoever." " Oh, thank God." "Ah ha" " Let me finish." " I woke up in her bed." " Excuse me?" "I had too much to drink." "And I woke up there somehow-- I don't know how-- in her apartment." "But nothing happened." "I swear to you nothing happened." "We went out like you wanted, we didn't hit it off, and I slept there." "You're the one for me." "You have to believe me." "Please, please tell me you believe me." "Okay, Nate, I believe you." "You do?" "Why?" "Because you asked me to." "And I'm too insecure to question you further." "Marni, hey, it's the truth." "I love you." "What?" " Hey." " Hey." "Ooh." "What's all this?" "Well, you know my new CD just dropped, right?" "If by "just dropped," you mean the one you recorded in your closet and burned 50 copies of on your mom's computer?" "Yeah, I heard the buzz." "Yeah, well, that marathon is coming right down our street today." "I thought it'd be a perfect opportunity for some promotion." "I even had some little cups printed up to hand out to the runners." "Lemonade?" "Bowie James' Fluid." "It gets better." "Read the back." "Soon to be number one." "It's funny, right?" "It's controversial, baby." "There's no such thing as bad press, Nate." "Ahhhh." "Until now." "Yeah." "But good luck with that." "So how'd everything turn out this morning?" "Marni was surprisingly cool about it." "I told her nothing happened and, uh, you know, she believed me." " Oh." "Well, that's great." "Yeah." "What?" "What if something did happen?" "I mean, between drinks with Todd and waking up at Natalie's, it's all a blank." " You know, I-I have to go talk to Natalie." " What?" "Go back there?" "I just got you out!" "Hey, Zach." "What's up, buddy?" "Oh, uh, hey." "I just wanted to, you know, thank you, for, you know, not telling my mom about, you know, the magazine." "Mike on the bus said that was really cool of you." "Well, you're welcome." "Yeah, so Mike... on the bus..." "He said since you're so cool," "I should ask you if you'd pose for me like in the magazine." "You know, naked." "Or something." "What?" "" " No." "Oh, okay..." "So..." "Nate." "Wow." "Come in." "I kind of thought I'd never see you again." " Yeah." "Was it the whole leaving while you were in the shower thing?" "And the baby doll thing." "It's funny, I don't usually get that from white guys." "All right, listen, Natalie, about last night" "Nate, you were drunk." "So what if it didn't happen?" "It didn't happen?" "Oh my God." "Thank God... that you understand." "Yeah." "You were hardly even conscious when Todd dropped you off." "Wait, Todd dropped me off here?" "Todd dro" " Todd." " Look, Natalie, I got to go." " You got to go?" " You just got here." " But I--oop." "Oh great." "That is just excellent." "Can I borrow your lint roller?" "So get this." "Cute little Zach asked me to pose for him naked." "No way." "It's hysterical." "So I shouldn't do it, right?" "Tess." "Okay." "Relax." "I'm not going to do it." "But he was offering 40 bucks." "And Mike from the bus said he'd kick in an extra 10." "It's 50 bucks, Marn." "It's also an orange jump suit and an interview with Diane Sawyer." "You're right." "You know who pisses me off though?" "Mike from the bus." "Ugh." "He's the kind of kid that's always going to get the other kids in trouble." "I know the type." " You are the type." " Exactly." " That's why I'm the only one who can stop him." "See you later, Marn." " Okay." "Call me." " I said aha!" " You're always saying aha!" "Todd." "Todd was behind this whole thing." "I went back to Natalie's place today and she told me what happened." "Wait a minute." "You went back to Natalie's?" "Well, to make sure nothing happened last night." "See Todd" "Wait, you told me you knew nothing happened." "I was definitely sure, now I absolutely am." "See, Todd" "So you told me you were positive nothing happened,but you still needed to go back and check?" "Is there anything else you're keeping from me?" "Nothing." "Okay, she kissed me today." "Now nothing." "But, see, Todd is--is--is the one to blame." "And that's the reason I came with the aha and the..." "Todd." "I can't believe you kissed another woman." "I have to kiss another man." "What?" " Where are you going?" " To find a man to kiss." "It's the only way it'll ever be equal between us." "Marni, this is nuts." "I-I-I didn't even kiss her." "She kissed me." "Sorry, Nate, but your lips have been kissed by another woman and I'm not kissing them again until another man has kissed mine." "Oh!" "Who wants to kiss me?" "I need someone to kiss me right now." "No, no, no, no." "Thank you, sir." "Noo." "Okay, Marni, you made your point." "Now let's go upstairs and talk about this." "Come on, New York." "Who wants to plant one on these babies?" "How about you, sir?" "All right, Marni, come back here." "Hey, knock it off!" " Let me down." "I had one." " No." "I will not until we talk about this rationally." "Enough talk." "There's got to be someone out there who wants to kiss me." " Oh Todd!" " Todd." " I need you to kiss me." " Oh, I'm here for you." " Let go, Nate." "Hey." "Todd, let go!" "Put her down." "You put her down." "Nate, this isn't funny." " This isn't" " Ow." " Todd." "No, Marni, not him." "He's the one to blame for everything." "He's evil." " Don't you know, Nate, women like bad boys." " Put me down, Nate." "I want to kiss him." " I want to kiss Todd." " She wants to kiss me, Nate." "Please don't stand in the way of destiny." "Fine." "Fine." "You know what, do it." "If you want to kiss the guy who got me drunk and tried to sabotage our relationship, then do it." "And you know what, he's not the one to blame for all this anyway." "You are." "What?" "Yeah." "You're the one who forced me to date another woman to prove I love you." "And now you're trying to punish me for something I never wanted to do in the first place." "Oh, no, no, no." "Don't you try to turn this around on me." "You..." "No, you do this all the time." "You say things and you do things that you think they make sense, Marni, but they don't." "They're insane." "You know, I've had it." "You're a difficult person to date, Marni, and I'm sick of it." "So you go ahead and kiss whoever you want." "I'm out of here." "Poor Nate." "He pushes away all of us who love him." "Okay." "Which one of you is Mike?" "Come on." "I know one of you here is Mike." "Raise your hand." "Is it you?" "You look like creepy little dude." "All right, come on." "I'm not going to hurt you." "Just raise your hand if you're Mike." "You're Mike?" "So Mike... would these photographs be tasteful?" "Hey, Marn." "I got the speech." "It took five months and I really thought I was in the clear." "But then today, there it was, the "you're too crazy to date" speech." "You got the "too crazy to date" speech from Nate?" "I know." "Too crazy for Nate?" "Then who the hell am I supposed be with?" "You should have seen him, Tess." "He was really angry." "I'm so stupid." "And it was such a good thing." "So good." "Did you know he always did me first and then him?" "Always." "A guy like that doesn't come along every day." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Uh, how'd this happen?" "How did he wake up with another woman this morning and you get the speech?" "I know." "Pretty tough to turn around that kind of advantage, huh?" "But I did it." "Well, it was fun while it lasted, Tess, being loved." "I'm just like you now." "I'm just like you now!" "Hey, I got the phone number of Mike the perv bus driver, so don't count me out yet." "I know this speech, Tess." "It's how it always ends for me." "God, why did I have to-- What, Clown?" "What?" "I went back to my old robe since no one appreciated the new one." "I'm sorry, but Nate broke up with me, okay?" "Maybe there is no perfect person." "It's just random." "There's just crap you do and crap they do and you hope you don't screw it up." "But I did, Tess." "I screwed it all up." "And I never thought I'd get the speech from Nate." "He's the one." "Oh my God." "He is." "He is the one." "From the mouth of clowns, huh, Tess?" "He's the one." "And I'm not going to let him throw this away." "I meant, he's the one who was here the other day, right?" "* Oh this is the start *" "* Of something good *" "* Don't you agree?" "*" "* I haven't felt like this In so many moons *" "* You know what I mean?" "*" "* And we can heal through this distraction *" "* As we are standing on our feet *" "* So since you want to be with me *" "* You'll have to follow through *" "* With every word you say *" "* And I all I really want is you *" "* You to stick around *" "* I'll see you every day *" "* But you have to follow through *" "* You have to follow through *" "* These reeling emotions They just keep me alive *" "* They keep me in tune *" "I don't accept." " What?" "The speech." "I don't accept it." " Marni, what are you" " Yes, you're right." "I do stuff that may not make perfect sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to you, Nate." "I make sense to you." "You know me more than I've ever let anyone know me in my whole life." "But it wasn't even hard to let you know me because you just did." "Like I knew you from the first moment I saw you sitting there in my lobby waiting for someone else." "Well, maybe not the first moment, but certainly the second or pretty soon after that for sure." "So no speech, pal." "Not from you." "And yeah, I get it." "I get it." "I'm weird." "It's hard." "Blah, blah, blah." "But too weird for you, Nate?" "I don't think so." "Marni, what are you talking about?" "You breaking up with me." "I didn't break up with you." "You didn't?" "But you said you were sick of it." "I am." "But that doesn't mean I want to break up with you." "It's the fact that I plan on staying with you that makes it so aggravating." "Look..." "Marni," "I'm not going anywhere." "Don't." "Wait." "Did you end up kissing Todd?" "What do you think?" "Seriously though, I'd like an answer." "Actually, just a yes or a no." "You need it like you need air." "Come on, baby, get Fluid." "Hey, hey." "Marni." "* I'll see you everyday *" "* But you have to follow through *" "* You have to follow through *" "* You're going to have to follow *"