"Hello, there." "Welcome to my modest home." "And what can I do for you?" "Oh, yes." "Ha ha ha." "I forgot, I invited you here to answer in one fell swoop all the questions you've been bugging me about popular music." "And of course you came to the right place, because they don't call me "Pops" von Drake for nothin'." "They gotta pay me." "Come in and sit down and I'm going to play for you several hundred of the latest hit songs of the past 60 years, which, naturally, I wrote myself." "Around the turn of the century, I was a starving musician." "And I was down to my last rutabaga." "Anybody knows what that means." "I was dressed in rags all the time." "Even my clothes was in rags." "And I said to myself," "That's it!" "I will call my new syncopation ragtime!" "Now, naturally, there were many cheap imitations of my ragtime." "There was Ludwig's Ragtime Band." "Then there was Ragtime Cowboy Ludwig." "Then there was the dishpan rag." "And others which shall be nameless because I can't remember." "Now I'm going to give you a demonstration of my now-famous Rutabaga Rag." "# Everybody's ragging' to the Rutabaga Raggin' to the Rutabaga" "# 'Cause they know it's hotter than a hot potato" "# Hotter than a hot potato" "# It's got a new beat" "# It's called a two-beat" "# Radishes and onions are getting corns and bunions" "# Ragging to the Rutabaga Rag" "# Brussels sprouts are wearin' out their new galoshes" "# Dancin' with the summer squashes" "# Lettuce do it" "# And asparagus and limas They're becoming real ragtimers" "# By the numbers Broccoli and celery and cool cucumbers" "# Let the little syncopater lift you like an elevator" "# Red-hot Rutabaga Rag" "# By the numbers Broccoli and celery and cool cucumbers" "# Love that little syncopater Lifts you like an elevator" "# Red-hot Rutabaga Red-hot Rutabaga" "# Red-hot Rutabaga Rag #" "Red-hot." "Popularity is fickle." "Soon my ragtime was worn to shreds and the people shouted," "Ludwig, pay your bills!" "No, that isn't what they said." "That was my laundryman." "I'm trying to remember." "Let's see." "Oh, yes." "They said, Ludwig, give us a new sound in popular music." "So, I gave them a new sound." "It was the Roaring Twenties." "The days of raccoon coats and the sheiks and the flappers." "And the tin Lizzies." "The wireless was replacing the gramophone." "I don't know why they called it a wireless, because look at all those wires there." "Some nut called it a wireless." "That's why they changed it to radio, which is really "oldar" spelled backwards." "I happened at the time to be below the Mason-Dixon line, see." "Mr. Dixon came up to me and said "Mr. Von Drake, sir, y'all had just better put old Dixie on the map"." "I said to myself, little old Ludwig, sir, I said, it's up to y'all." "So I wrote Louisville Ludwig, a song about me, naturally." "But to protect the innocent, me," "I changed the name to Charleston Charlie." "# Who's our campus dreamboat?" "# Charleston Charlie, oh Charleston Charlie's our boy" "# Oh, gee, oh joy He's got it and" "# And then some Ooh hoo hoo" "# He's so handsome Oh, Charleston Charlie's our guy" "# Oh me, oh my" "# He's slick, he's smooth" "# He's got savoir faire" "# He's romancy Talks so fancy" "# The answer to a flapper's prayer" "# I'll go Girls go" "# Ga ga Whoo hoo hoo" "# When you Romeo Valentini your eyes" "# Ooh ooh" "# Charleston Charlie Oh, Charleston Charlie" "# He's slick, he's smooth" "# He's got savoir faire" "# He's romancy Talks so fancy" "# The answer to a flapper's prayer" "# I'll go Girls go" "# Ga ga Whoo hoo hoo" "# When you Romeo Valentini your eyes" "# Ooh oooh" "# Charleston Charlie Oh, Charleston Charlie" "# Charleston, Charleston Charleston" "Oh, boy, am I poo-poo-pa-dooped." "Whoo." "Things really began to get rough." "We had a depression." "Wall Street laid an egg that was more like an omelet." "And the Roaring Twenties went out with a peep." "But was von Drake depressed?" "You can bet your boots I was, because all my money was lost, and I couldn't stand for it!" "What am I saying?" "I wasn't depressed, not on your life." "Because I knew that the world was waiting for me, Ludwig von Drake, to pull the world out of depression." "And I pulled them out of depression into complete poverty." "Single-handed." "And so, there I was, down to my last nickel." "I ate it." "No, what am I saying?" "I went into a five and ten cent store feeling like a million dollars." "I bought myself a piano." "It was on this noble instrument that I modestly wrote my greatest forever-remembered hit." "Soon every band in the nation picked it up and threw it out." "What am I saying?" "They didn't throw it out." "They started to play it." "Everybody was playing it." "# Although I dropped a hundred thousand" "# In the market, baby" "# I found a million dollars in your smile" "# Yes, sir Stocks are crashing every day" "# Banks are failing too" "# But who cares if those skies are gray" "# Long as I have you, dear" "# Once I was a millionaire on margin" "# Now I am singing' in the bread line all the while" "# Although I dropped a hundred thousand in the market, baby" "# I found a million dollars in your smile, yes, sir" "There I was, sitting on top of my lonely flagpole, thinking of the money I lost." "The factory was closed, and who knew when we'd start manufacturing running boards again." "How could I let a smile be my umbrella when it was stormy weather all the time?" "Although potatoes were cheaper, now was definitely not the time to fall in love." "And then I spied you selling apples on the corner." "Delicious." "And you looked up at me and smiled." "And the sun came shining through." "And I slid down from my pole, because I knew it was pointless." "# Although I dropped a hundred thousand in the market, baby" "# I found a million dollars in your smile" "# I'm happy" "# I found a million dollars in your smile" "# You betcha" "# I found a million dollars in your smile #" "Yes, sir!" "For my next unforgettable invention, I electrified the megaphone and called it a microphooey." "Eh... microphone." "And for this I created a singer called a crooner." "And for him, I composed a new type of song which I called "the love ballad."" "# Boo boo boo boo boo" "# Right from the start you played a part" "# I wasn't smart You broke my heart" "# You upset my apple cart" "# Now we're far apart" "# Sweetheart" "# La da da da dee dee" "# La da dee da dee da dee" "While everyone was cutting boo boo records, I was cutting out paper dolls." "And by sheer accident..." "Shear accident!" "Ooh." "I created these dolls." "The perfect group to introduce my new rhythm, boogie woogie." "# Da da da da Da da da da" "# Da da da da da da da da da da" "# Ma" "# He's my boogie woogie Chattanooga" "# Sentimental Oriental fortune cookie bakery man" "# And he bakes his sentimental Oriental fortune cookies" "# In a boogie woogie bakery pan" "# He can bake a gentle handle but he's better with a paddle" "# When he's bakin' fortune cookies in a pan" "# Bake, bake, bake Bake them, Oriental" "# Make, make, make Make 'em sentimental" "# Look, look, look Looky, looky, looky" "# Nice fresh hot Oriental cookie" "# No one bakes 'em better than my sentimental" "# Oriental fortune cookie bakery man" "# Da da da da" "# Da da da da" "# Da da da da da da da" "# Yeah, he's my Oriental" "# Fortune cookie bakery man" "# And he bakes" "# Boogie woogie cookies in a pan" "# He can bake, bake, bake a gentle handle" "# But, but, but he's better" "# When he's make, make, making fortune cookies in a pan" "# Why don't you come along and bake, bake, bake" "# Oriental Make, make, make" "# Sentimental Look, look, look" "# Looky, looky, looky Nice fresh hot Oriental cookie" "# No one makes them better than my sentimental Oriental" "# Fortune cookie bakery man #" "Oh, will you excuse me?" "I was about to watch my favorite musical program of a higher level," "The von Drake Hour." "They are featuring some of my old-time tunes, or last week's hits." "Ah, there it is now, with Jackie Babylon and the Babyloonians." "Oh boy, are they a singin' group." "Be my guest." "This is pay TV." "# Oooh oooh oooh" " # Puppy love - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" " # Oooh oooh oooh - # Puppy love" "# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "# When we met at the soda shop" " # Puppy love - # My heart beat like it wouldn't stop" " # Puppy love - # I heard a voice within me say" "# Yip yip yip yip Bum bum bum bum" "# Bee dip dip dip dip Ba dum dum dum dum" "# Puppy love is here to stay" "# You're just ten and I'm fourteen" " # But to me you're a teenage queen - # Puppy love" "# And I will love you till we're old and gray" "# Puppy love is here to stay" " # When you get to high school - # Yeah yeah yeah yeah" " # I'll be there to guide you - # Yeah yeah yeah yeah" " # I'll always wait - # Ahhh" "# Don't graduate till I graduate beside you" "# It's wrong to be alone" "# Won't you share my ice cream cone" "# Irregardless what they say" "# Puppy love is here to stay" "# Puppy love is here to stay" "# It's wrong, oh wrong to be alone" "# Won't you share my ice cream cone" " # Puppy love - # Irregardless what they say" "# Yip yip yip yip Bum bum bum bum" "# Bee dip dip dip dip Ba dum dum dum dum" "# Puppy love is here to stay" " # Ohhhh - # Puppy love" "# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #" "You think that was something?" "That was nothing." "Wait till you hear my latest." "I will demonstrate in here." "This is my hi-fi studio." "Not everybody knows what hi-fi stands for." "High financing, which you better secure before making a studio like this." "I want to tell you, it's gonna cost a fortune." "You know what I got?" "I got woofles and tweedles, coaxles and baffles, crossovers, changeovers washers, driers..." "Washers and driers I got here?" "But put them all together and it gives you canned music." "Stereophonic sound." "Beautiful." "But the most important piece of equipment I got in this whole place is my credit card." "Not my credit card." "I mean this insignificant little stool." "It is minutely calibrated to be in the precise spot to appreciate stereophonic sound." "All right, I'm gonna play my latest hit in living, thrilling, breathing, inhaling stereo." "Oops." "You want to know something?" "I forgot the record." "That's all right." "Never mind." "Because I, Ludwig van Drake, will do it for you live." "# Look out, everybody Zoom zoom zoom" "# I'm the motorbiker demon Better give me lots of room" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and roar" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and roar" "# I'm gonna ride, ride, ride around the countryside" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and roar" "# Mmm, got a leatherjacket" "# Von Drake is on the back" "# And my greasy denim trousers are black, black, black" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and roar" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and roar" "# I'm gonna race, race, race all over the place" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and roar" "# Take it, Jack" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and" " # I'm gonna rock, rumble and - # Charleston" "# The Charleston A boop boop be boop" "# A boop boop de do do" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and" "# Find a million dollars in your smile" "# Smile In your smile" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and" "# Ah ba boo boo boo boo boo" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and" "# Bake a fortune cookie with a boogie woogie bakery man" "# Rock, rumble and" "# Yip yip yip Bum bum bum" "# Dee dee dee Bum bum bum" "# Race, race, race all over the place" "# I'm gonna rock, rumble and roar #"