"MARTY:" "Previously on House of Lies..." "So, you and Doug met on a dating Web site?" "They're a great way to weed out douche bags." "I feel like, um... we're really dancing around each other." "Let it remain really awkward." "What do you want, man?" "Why are you here?" "Dad was in a pretty bad car accident two weeks ago." "You told Kevin we're sleeping together?" "What are we doing?" "I'm out." "I'm gonna start my own shop." "We are promoting our very own Jeannie Van Der Hooven." "Management... that doesn't even mean anything." "What?" "Leave right now." "Spend the rest of the afternoon with me." "Did the Dildo King find his Dildo Queen?" "I mean, I-I like him." "Cool." "MALCOLM:" "Marty, Marty, they're demolishing public housing to make room for a goddamn Wal-Mart, with their outsourced, sweatshop-made, faux-Christian bullshit, selling it to the people and the public like it's... economic growth." "Hypocrites." "Right." "And meanwhile, the people who are most in need of the jobs this creates get shipped 20, 30 miles away." "Marty, even you can see how fucked-up this shit is, man." "Hey, Malcolm, man." "All right, all right, my bad, Lil' Man." "My passion gets the better of me sometimes." "It's cool." "Call it as you see it." "Do you know what else would be cool?" "If we could play some cards." "You know, Squirrel, I got to say that I'm a little stumped, you know, at the fact that you're taking the city's side." "Especially after all the shit they did to you." "I'm not taking the city's side, okay?" "Well, you know what?" "Not taking a side is taking a side." "You are a bottomless pit of lame clichés." "What, you fist-bumping him on that?" "You know what?" "Twenty-five." "(groans)" "I fold." "Yeah, man, who's shuffling these cards?" "(laughs) All right, youngster, looks like it's just me and you." "Heads up." "Let's go." "Pay to play, baby." "Why can't we bet with real money?" "Because somebody at the table doesn't have any... real money." "Har har har." "Should I call?" "Well, look, you got to work it through." "Now, your uncle just raised, so maybe he has a good hand, maybe he doesn't." "What's important is he's got a big-ass stack, and he's leveraging it against your stack and he's also in position, and that's what you want to be in any good negotiation." "Remember that." "MALCOLM:" "It's how the rich get richer." "Always at the expense of the little guy." "Right, Marty?" "Remember that, too." "So should I call or not?" "It's up to you." "Totally up to you." "(chuckles)" "Twenty-five." "MARTY:" "Oh!" "He said he ain't scared." "Ooh." "He ain't gonna get bullied." "Okay." "I like that." "I like that, Lil' Man." "Okay, all right." "All right." "Game on." "What about you, Big Squirrel?" "You interested in contributing some of your big stack to the cause?" "Oh, you want some pretzels?" "You can have all the pretzels." "No, no, I'm talking about the real money." "Oh, oh, the real money." "No, no, no, no, no." "Yes." "Ah..." "I'm in." "Like I thought." "Pop." "No, Dad, there's no way Yeah, I'm in." "I'm taking money from you." "(confused, startled grunt)" "(laughs) (clears throat)" "I'm going all in." "(scoffs) I'm not gonna let Uncle Malcolm out-leverage..." "Wait, wait, wait, wait..." "Uh, you should fold." "Because your uncle is the king of the slow play." "It's what he does-- he draws you all the way down the river, and then he sucks you dry." "Look at that." "(Jeremiah whistles)" "That's a full house." "That's dirty." "Pay up, baby." "Just take your pretzels." "CLYDE:" "So, I get these tickets, right?" "Fucking floor seats." "Amazing tickets." "The kind of tickets you would kill your mom for." "I think that says more about my relationship with my mother than the quality of the tickets, but go ahead." "So I call Marty to offer him up the other ticket, but he never gets back to me." "He doesn't call me back, he doesn't text me." "I have no idea what the fuck is..." "What?" "I always thought that smug arrogance was your most off-putting quality." "I had no idea it was tween girl insecurity." "Fuck off." "There's the Clyde I'm comfortable with." "I don't come across as insecure, do I?" "DOUG:" "Yeah, hey," "Marty, it's me." "Again." "Uh, Doug." "Uh, I need to talk to you about something." "Kind of important, actually, so can you call me back when you, uh... when you get a second?" "Please, I'm begging you." "Uh, it's Doug Guggenheim." "All right, bye." "(sighs) God." "Hey, has Marty seemed a little distracted to you guys lately?" "Even fucking Doug agrees with me." "Yeah." "Even Doug agrees with you." "God, I know." "It's weird." "I've called him, like, five times today, and he always calls me back." "Always." "You know?" "Even if it's just to say," ""Yo, Doug, quit blowing' up my phone." JEANNIE:" "What?" "Don't." "I'm sorry." "Please don't tell him I did that." "CLYDE:" "No." "Do you have any idea how racist that is?" "We're gonna have to tell him." "We have no choice." "No." "No, I'm not an impressions guy." "I'm just worried if he's okay." "Should we be calling hospitals?" "I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice." "Hey, I'm heading into a thing." "What's up?" "Sorry." "I butt-dialed you." "Oh." "No, don't hang up." "Oh, shit." "Hang on." "All right." "We got him." "We got him now." "(line ringing) He is alive." "We know that." "(stammers, sighs)" "Voice mail again." "Are you kidding me?" "(sighs)" "Damn." "It is fucking hot in here." "So, what do you think?" "Well... what I think is, you're asking me to leave one of the top firms in the country to follow you to some rinky-dink start-up." "That's what I think." "Eric, come on." "We've been in this game a long time." "You could see this." "Galweather Stearn's a sinking ship." "And what?" "You're the lifeboat?" "I'm the fucking Coast Guard." "(chuckles) I'm just messing with you, Marty." "Why would you do that?" "Come on, man." "Hey, look, you're my guy, so of course I'm in." "Great." "Now, look, no one..." "No one can know." "What?" "You think this is my first exodus or something, man?" "Nah, you're a champ." "Hey." "Come here." "Oh, let's just shake on it." "Nah, come here, you." "(chuckles)" "Marty Kaan and Associates." "Yeah." "Goddamn, that's exciting, man." "(chuckles) Ooh." "Yeah." "You, um, wanted to..." "JULIANNE:" "Has Marty finished his Projections of Practice Growth and Sources Quarterly Report yet?" "...see me?" "(chuckles)" "It was due yesterday." "Those deadlines have always been, um, more like suggestions." "Well, now they're a deadline." "Understood." "I will let him know." "Great." "So, um where is Marty, anyway?" "He is meeting with a prospective client." "Oh." "Well... that's very exciting." "Mm-hmm." "Huh." "You know, Jeannie," "I have, um, been giving an awful lot of thought to the future of this company." "To the, um, kind of people that I would like to see leading us." "People like you." "Are you about to give me another promotion that changes nothing?" "Fair enough." "(laughs)" "Yeah." "Actually," "I was thinking that it was time for you to run your own pod." "Official offer is going to be on your desk by end of day." "So what do you say, Jeannie?" "Are you ready to step up?" "(elevator dings)" "Hey!" "Marty." "Hey." "Hey." "It's "phoh."" "Do you like "phoh"?" "I love "phoh."" ""Phoh" is my bro." "(chuckles)" ""Phoh" sho." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Actually think it's pronounced "phah." Is it?" "Yeah." "Oh." "Well." "Then, um, pho...ck me." "(chuckles)" "So, you don't remember me, is what I'm..." "I do not." "(laughing):" "Okay." "I mean, did we, uh..." "I'm Doug's girlfriend." "Oh." "I'm Doug's girlfriend." "We met at the retreat." "The retreat." "That's right." "Right." "Made Doug come like a foghorn." "Well... that's private." "(chuckles) (elevator dings)" "See you." "Yep, real pleasure." "How'd it go with Steam Bath Willie?" "He showed me his business, we made a deal." "Wow." "Hope those two weren't mutually exclusive." "Does that give, uh, us enough money to make the move?" "No." "I mean, not if we... not if we want to do it right." "You got to make a list, okay?" "Your people." "People that we can poach, but, you know, people that can also keep their mouths shut." "Okay." "Um, yeah, I'll start to reach out." "No, no." "Don't-don't reach out." "No, just-just make a list." "Okay." "Uh, Julianne is looking for your PPGS's." "Oh, fuck." "I-I don't have time to deal with that bullshit paperwork." "Jeannie, please, can you just do it for me?" "Okay." "Thank you." "Something else?" "Yes, actually." "Julianne has offered me my own pod." "I thought you were coming with me." "I am." "So, what, then?" "What does... what does... what does it matter?" "I don't know." "It's just a nice vote of confidence." "I'm just... it's..." "it's nice to feel that your hard work is appreciated." "I'm just sharing." "Uh-huh." "You hedging?" "Jea..." "look, Jeannie, if you... if... if you think that you're better off..." "I'm not hedging." "...staying here, then..." "Okay." "(ringtone plays)" "I swear to God, if this fucking asshole Doug calls me one more time, Jeannie..." "Oh, I got to answer for Doug now?" "He and Clyde have been asking a lot of questions, Marty." "You have to..." "Just make the..." "Just make the list, please, and take care of whatever bullshit it is that Julianne needs." "I got to go look at some office spaces, okay?" "Okay." "Um, I-I'll run by and talk to the idiot before I go." "Oh, shit." "Hey, there you are." "Hey, Marty, uh, guess who." "(laughing):" "Yeah, it's me again." "So I don't know where you are, but, uh, call me when..." "He's here." "He is here." "Who?" "Marty is here?" "Mm-hmm, yes." "Oh, I guess you're here." "That's great." "Okay, well, you know what?" "I'm gonna swing by." "I got to talk to you about something." "I'll see you soon." "Bye." "Doug." "Yeah." "What is the big emergency?" "Oh, uh, a friend of mine from HBS put me in touch with the CEO of TRACER, this heat-seeking software company in the Bay Area." "Okay." "He's looking for a possible expansion consult." "He wants to sit down with me, so I got to get the big guy up to speed." "Okay, hold on, he wants to sit down with you." "Yeah." "So why do you need Marty?" "Well, it's a potentially huge client for us, and, uh, you know, Marty's a closer." "You know, it's a no-brainer." "Well, Doug, when are you going to stop letting other people take the credit for all of your hard work?" "What?" "Is that what you think?" "Pretty simple question." "Yeah-- no, but it's not like that." "No, we're a team, you know." "Okay, mm-hmm." "We work together." "It's easy." "Okay, so if Marty signs this guy, is it a win for the team or is it really a win for Marty?" "These are your contacts, you did all the prep work, so go out there and take what's yours." "Doug, why don't you quit blowing up my phone?" "What is it?" "Um..." "Uh... nothing." "No, I..." "Nothing?" "Really?" "It was something..." "but never mind." "I Googled it, and I was able to..." "I'm out." "MONICA:" "You look amazing." "TAMARA:" "Thank you." "MONICA:" "You know the last time that we saw each other?" "Uh, oh, my God, it was the night after graduation when we did all that Ecstacy." "Remember that?" "Fucking seriously?" "TAMARA:" "Not really." "Oh, yeah, it's probably for the best." "(all laugh)" "Probably." "God, Monica, I love when you hang out over here." "I'm sorry." "Who are you?" "Are you fucking s...?" "I'm Clyde Oberholt." "Top 25 under 30, huh?" "Hey, Monica." "Hi." "How are you?" "What are you doing here?" "I don't know." "I was in the neighborhood, and I-I realized" "I hadn't welcomed Tamara back to the workforce." "Oh." "Welcome." "Thank you." "Oh, really?" "That's surprising because, back in "B" school," "I'm pretty sure you guys hated each other." "We did not." "We were just competitive." "Oh, and you were the girl that just partied all night, slept through microeconomics and still aced those exams." "I kind of fucking hated you." "(both laugh)" "Guilty." "Well, I'm still taking you to lunch." "Okay." "Oh, what's this?" "That's weird." "Oh, okay, why don't we check it out?" "2012 Top 25 under 30." "And who's that gentleman?" "I don't know, olive complexion, really Jewish." "Clyde Oberholt." "Number 25." "That's a good job." "It's way down the list." "It's not in a specific order." "So, shall we?" "Uh, yeah." "Why don't we?" "TAMARA:" "Oh, you're gonna join us." "Okay." "Are you sure you have time?" "Got nothing but time." "And who loves a trip down memory lane more than Marty Kaan?" "Literally everyone." "Oh, and what do we have here?" ""Clyde Oberholt is a force to be reckoned with in business and in life." Hot." "Am I coming with you guys to lunch?" "You're not." "I'll make a sandwich." "MONICA:" "Mmm." "MARTY:" "Monica, what... what are we doing here?" "I mean, what..." "what-what-what's going on?" "What?" "What do you mean?" "Come on, this bullshit, th-th-the casual lunch, the waxing nostalgic about the good old days." "Come on." "You're right" " I do." "I have an ulterior motive for inviting Tamara to lunch today." "Of course you do." "I was on Facebook the other night." "Sometimes I like to go on there, see how fat people are getting." "(chuckles)" "One guy that's looking just fine, though, is your husband, but I was really sad when I saw that his relationship status changed to "it's complicated."" "Are you stalking Kevin on Facebook?" "Uh-uh." "I'm worried about you." "Oh, don't worry about me, Monica." "Your ex-husband's been doing a... great job helping me through this very difficult time." "Hmm, aw, that's super sweet." "Hey, Monica, the jealousy thing... (scoffs) Since when have I ever been jealous of one of your fuck buddies?" "MARTY:" "When, uh, you realized it might be something more?" "Please, I mean, I think we both know you're incapable of making that happen." "(Tamara groans) You know what?" "Speaking of which, how is your little foray into the... (trills) ...going?" "Wow." "Yeah, n-n-n-no, look, Monica is a lesbian now." "Seriously?" "(chuckles)" "I think that's..." "I don't want... it's done." "It's done?" "Yeah, done, I'm done with that." "Fuck, Jesus, that was quick." "I guess that explains your headfirst dive off the vegan wagon." "Well, if I learned anything from this experience..." "And I'm sure you have not." "...it is that there is no substitute for a good piece of meat." "Ch-ch-boom!" "Mmm." "And she's back." "Let's do a toast." "To Marty and Tamara." "May both of you come out of this thing unscathed." "There's a first time for everything." "(exhales)" "You got this, buddy." "You got this." "Come on." "Make it rain." "Just make it rain." "Rainmake." "Just come on, fucking do it." "(exhales) Okay, let's make it rain." "No." "It's a "B."" "What?" "There's a "B" on the sign." "A fucking "B," Sarah." "Okay." "Hey, calm down." "You can do this." "I can't do it." "I'm not meant for the spotlight, Sarah." "This is not me, all right?" "You're not dating Prince." "You're dating one of the faceless members of the Revolution." "God, I'm calling Marty." "No, no, you are not calling Marty." "You're gonna go in there, and you're gonna do this yourself." "No." "Get in the car." "No, I have to call..." "Get in the fucking car, Doug." "Yeah, okay." "Yeah, okay." "And this brings us back to the lobby." "What'd you think?" "It's nice." "I mean, it's a really nice place, yeah." "Well, if you're interested," "I'd suggest putting in an offer today." "Today?" "(scoffs)" "Wow, you're just gonna shove it right in, huh?" "No foreplay?" "Not at this orgy." "I've got three competing bids in already." "Ah." "Huge players." "Should I include yours?" "SARAH:" "You have an IQ of 144." "Yeah." "You are a proud graduate of one of the most prestigious business schools in the country." "Yes." "Okay?" "Mm-hmm." "Your regression models are the stuff of legend." "(grunting)" "You are the wielder..." "Okay." "...of powerful financial instruments." "Okay, that's right." "Okay, it's gonna happen, yeah, it's gonna happen." "Don't get any on my suit." "I would never get any on your beautiful head." "(moaning deeply)" "♪ She never mentioned that she's still holdin' on ♪" "♪ But my intuition made me feel she's the only one... ♪" "Oh." "Of course." "♪ And goes off to the sky" "♪ Off to the sky ♪ ♪ Off to the sky." "MALCOLM:" "You got to just keep the movement going." "ROSCOE:" "Mm-hmm." "You know what I mean?" "It's really important to just, you know, always stay the course, stay focused with this, man." "Mm-hmm." "You got it, man." "Hey, what's up?" "Hey." "Hey, Dad, check this out." "Uncle Malcolm-- he took me to his rally today." "(protesters chanting indistinctly)" "What they're doing to those people in public housing is fucked-up." "Roscoe, I'm not going to tell you again about your language." "It... it is." "Knock it off." "Can't you donate something to the cause?" "Grandpa did, and he has a lot less money than you." "Really?" "Can I talk to your uncle alone for a second, please?" "Okay." "You know, Dad, you're either a part of the solution..." "Or I'm a part of the problem, I know. ...you're" "(door closes)" "What?" "What?" "He wanted to come down." "What was I supposed to tell him?" "You... you're supposed to tell him no, Malcolm, because you're the adult and he's a kid." "I told you I don't want him involved in this shit." "You can't keep his eyes closed forever." "And what happened to not taking Pops' money?" "Roscoe showed him the video, and he insisted." "I wasn't gonna embarrass him in front of your son." "(laughs) What are you doing?" "What's the number?" "What?" "Just tell me the number, okay, Malcolm?" "Oh, wow." "You know, don't go pretending like you don't lean on Dad." "He's practically raising Roscoe by himself." "$5,000?" "Know what?" "Fuck you, Marty." "Okay." "Uh... okay." "I'm sorry." "That was an insult of an offer." "$10,000." "How about, I don't want your money?" "Right, 'cause you're a..." "a not-for-profit entity." "Is that it?" "So, this is where you leverage me out, huh?" "Just open up your checkbook..." "Malcolm... and write it, it's just that simple." "Malcolm, just..." "look at me, man." "Okay, our whole thing is supposed to be about how different we are, right?" "We're... we're the same." "That is bullshit, and you know it." "Okay, it's not." "Look, we're just... we're just working different sides of the cash cow." "I know you, because you're me." "We're both just trying to do our thing, right?" "So I'm gonna write this check." "Maybe it's here tomorrow, maybe it's not." "Maybe you're here tomorrow." "(rips check out of checkbook)" "But either way, bro, it's-it's... it's okay." "Really." "(door closes)" "(sighs)" "CLYDE:" "So I told him, "Make it about the kids."" "Sweet guy, Matt Damon." "He's my friend." "You know, we should all hang out before..." "Jeannie Beannie, what are you doing here?" "Finishing up a project." "Who is your friend?" "Oh, my God, I can't believe you noticed her." "I'm so embarrassed." "This is Samantha." "She's a business major over at UCLA, and her biggest turn-on is corporate America." "Can you believe it?" "(both laugh)" "So, which office is yours?" "That huge one." "You see that huge one over there?" "Mm-hmm." "Go up there." "Do whatever you want." "(Samantha giggles)" "Unless you want to hear what it sounds like when I have sex with a half-Asian girl," "I suggest you get out of here." "Hmm..." "(makes vomiting sound)" "(makes vomiting sound) Are you sucking a dick or throwing up?" "Throwing up." "Throwing up." "Okay." "PPGS's?" "Doesn't Marty usually deal with those?" "Yep." "The fuck is this?" "Hold up, are they giving you your own pod?" "Yeah." "I think I'm gonna take it." "Of course you're gonna take it." "Why the fuck wouldn't you take it?" "This is huge, Jeannie." "Congratulations." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Your office is locked." "Yeah, we're gonna head out." "So let's go." "Why does it say "Marty Kaan" on your door?" "It's my nickname, okay?" "Let's just go." "(Jeannie typing)" "♪ ♪" "(door opens)" "Morning, Pop." "Morning." "Malcolm show up yet?" "No, not yet." "Not yet, huh?" "Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I gave him a charitable donation last night." "I over-donated." "You paid him to leave?" "No." "I gave him a choice, and he chose." "(mutters):" "Can't believe it." "The fuck is wrong with you?" "Wait, wait..." "Pop, doesn't this just prove that his whole desire to reconnect with his family was just a bunch of bullshit?" "What it proves is what a manipulative person you can be." "Wait a minute." "He conned you out of I don't know how much money." "He didn't con me out of any money." "Okay." "Whatever." "I-I'm the manipulative one?" "Pop, you're a grown man." "You can do whatever you want with your money." "Hmm." "But he's trying to use Roscoe, okay?" "I'm-I'm just supposed to be cool with that?" "Well, no, 'cause that's your domain." "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" "What it means is you've been trying to get your brother to leave here since the minute he came, so you used me and your son to justify this shitty, shitty thing you've done." "Congratulations, Martin." "Pop." "Pop." "(exhales sharply)" "(clears throat) Hey, uh..." "Clyde, you-you never asked me how my, uh, meeting went yesterday." "Yeah, it's 'cause I don't give a fuck." "(chuckles)" "How'd your meeting go yesterday, Doug?" "Went as smooth as butter on a baby's ass." "Why would you put butter on a baby's ass?" "It's a figure of speech." "(chuckles)" "Jeannie, can you do me a favor and put a bullet in my head?" "In a minute." "Finally got your PPGS's." "Here is a list of people that I think you can poach, and..." "Yeah, you know what, you-you call them." "Now you want me to call them?" "Yeah, they're your contacts." "But they've always been my contacts." "What's changed, exactly?" "Jeannie, what do you want me to say?" "I don't want you to say anything..." "Okay, then..." "JULIANNE:" "Oh." "Look at this, here are my all-stars." "MARTY:" "Hey." "You know, a little bird told me that you gave this one her own pod." "I did." "(chuckles) What, don't you think she deserves it?" "Well, honestly, I think she deserves your job." "(laughing)" "Marty, you know, at the end of the day," "I have got to decide what's best for the future of this company." "No, absolutely, but our pod kind of keeps the company afloat, and I can't do that without her." "I mean..." "Jeannie's not somebody I can just replace." "So, I understand you having to make the hard decisions, but in the future, Mm-hmm." "Yes." "it would be great if you just gave old Marty a heads-up." "Okay, well, you know what I think?" "I think, Marty, that you and I should continue this discussion later." "I..." "In private." "Yeah." "Okay." "I look forward to that." "Me, too." "Good to see you." "Yeah." "Great." "That was a jump ball." "What, you think I'm afraid of Julianne Hofschraeger?" "She scares the shit out of me." "Yeah, me, too." "Hmm." "So, you ready for this shit storm that's coming?" "Bring on the shit." "(chuckling):" "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "Isn't that how you do it?" "All right." "Get on those calls, okay?" "I actually have a dinner tonight with Nate..." "that I can cancel." "I'm-I'm happy to cancel." "Oh." "Uh, no, that's cool." "I can cancel it." "I really..." "Hey." "Nate." "Hey, Nate." "Have you met Marty?" "Hey." "The Dildo King, at your service." "What?" "Yeah." "That is what you guys call me, yes?" "Yeah." "No, nobody says that." "I..." "I'm pretty sure it's what you guys call me." "I told him." "I've been called a lot worse." "It's okay." "Uh, you ready to go?" "You need more time?" "Um, I think I need..." "Yeah." "Absolutely." "Okay." "I'll just be down there." "Okay." "Hey." "Nice meeting you, DK." "There it is." "We're on a good road, right?" "Like, this will work itself out?" "Oh, yeah." "We're... just blue skies from here on out." "Okay." "Okay." "What... are you doing?" "I'll be back." "♪ Never thought that you'd ever get caught ♪" "♪ With your hand up in the cookie jar ♪" "Don't dildo anything I wouldn't dildo." "♪ Playing spades with the devil now ♪" "♪ Boy, what you have to go and do that for?" "♪" "♪ Now I lay me down to sleep" "♪ I pray the Lord" "♪ My soul to keep" "♪ And if I die before I wake" "♪ Well, if I die before I wake" "♪ It's got to ♪" "♪ Got to be a mistake" "♪ Lord, take me back" "♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪" "♪ Take me back ♪" "♪ Whoa ♪" "♪ I don't need this ♪" "♪ I don't deserve it ♪" "♪ It ain't my fault ♪" "♪ Ain't nobody perfect ♪" "♪ This ain't justice ♪" "♪ And I didn't do it ♪" "♪ Do it over again ♪" "♪ Do it over again ♪" "♪ Start it over again. ♪" "Meow."