"[ Laughing ]" "[ Gasps ] Josh has a crush!" "♪ Josh and bethany sitting in a tree ♪" "♪ k-i-s-s-i-n-g ♪" "Gross!" "I'd never sit in a tree!" "Balthazor, hon bun, you know," "I was thinking about how we can decorate the house." "Let's burn it down and live in the ashes." "Tina, we're not living in ashes." "We agreed." "If it isn't in one of these Texas magazines, we can't do it." "Fitting in -- that's your job." "Fine." "I'll keep looking." "Speaking of jobs, I did yours, too." "I found something that could help you on your mission." "Testes?" "Well, according to this magazine, if you get close to the boss during his off hours by sharing a hobby, you can earn his trust and write your own ticket at the office." "It's what they call fast-tracking it." "You mean get him to come to adult gymnastics with me?" "No." "You need to do what he likes." "Exactly." "That's your way in." "Become BFFs with the boss." "Then... seem normal, fit in, destroy the drill, save hell, and go home." "Snorfindesdrillsalgoho." "I know." "I can snoop around killbride's office and find out what he likes to do." "I'll go with you." "Two snoops are better than one." "Okay, and I'll have the house all fixed up for you by the time you get home." "Tina, don't go crazy." "Snorfin, I know." "[ Smooching, slurping ]" "Damn!" "Damn, damn, damn!" "♪ This is the story 'bout a demon from hell ♪" "♪ his job was torture, he tortured so well ♪" "♪ one day he watched some illegal tv ♪" "♪ and satan launched him to earth to save hell ♪" "♪ from a drill that could destroy them permanently ♪" "♪ these are your neighbors from hell ♪" "♪ you are our neighbors from hell ♪" "♪ we are your neighbors from hell ♪ [ laughs ]" "There's not much here." "Aha!" "A safe!" "Let's break into it." "[ Inhales, exhales sharply ]" "No dynamite." "Aah!" "What the hell is going on here?" "It's not what you think." "Oh, it's exactly what I think." "Dog golf." "I haven't played that since that weird week in Mexico." "That's one hell of a swing you got there, hellman." "How'd you like to play golf with me at the club on Saturday?" "We're going toe-to-toe against my Nemesis, bud munger." "There's a major wager." "You can bring your family." "And make sure you bring that pup." "Hoo-ha!" "I found your hobby." "♪ Back on the road again ♪" "♪ feelin' kinda lonely and ♪" "♪ lookin' for the right guy ♪" "♪ to be mine ♪" "♪ friends -- ♪ [ tires screech ]" "No!" "Oh, I like it." "Tina, what did you do?" "I told you we can only do what's in the magazine." "Relax, Johnny McSpazzer." "It+s in the magazine." "This is an advertisement." "It says, "what if your house was an irritable bowel?"" "This is not snorfin." "Listen." "If we're gonna live topside, I want to feel comfortable in my own house." "Oh, and don't park in the driveway tomorrow." "The backhoe is being delivered so I can start on the lava moat." "No backhoes and no lava moats." "You're coming with me to killbride's country club tomorrow." "Surrender your paintbrush and lowe's card." "Aw, Balthy, I don't want to go to a country club." "It's just more horrible humans behaving horribly and lying about it." "I mean, where's the beatdown for these people?" "Tina, we're not allowed to punish the deserving here." "We're out of our jurisdiction, like axel foley in "beverly hills cop."" "[ Doorbell rings ]" "Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong!" "There is no way I am going to that club." "Hey, Tina girl, want to come with champers and me tomorrow to get our anal glands expressed?" "The club sounds great." "Tina:" "Fore!" "All right, family meeting." "Pazuzu and I are hitting the links with killbride." "Tina, you're spending the day with killbride's wife. [ belches ]" "[ Glass breaks ]" "Kids, find other kids." "Vlaartark, why are you here?" "I thought you would benefit from being seen with someone with my level of sophistication and elegance." "Plus, when I'm home alone, the dark thoughts come." "So, did you watch "tin cup" last night like I told you so you could know everything about golf?" "I meant to, but it came in a Kevin costner box set, and I got distracted by "the bodyguard"" "with special audio commentary by one of Whitney Houston's real bodyguards." "Isn't that a mindblower?" "[ Belching, laughter ]" "Lorelei:" "I know." "Look at all the horrible little piggies." "They deserve to be punished." "Lorelei killbride." "You must be Tina hellman." "Let me give you the lay of the land." "Cheating on his taxes." "Cheating on her husband." "Cheating on her husband with a dog." "Hey, Tina girl!" "Got the anal glands expressed!" "Killed a man." "Had a great lawyer." "Now at look at him -- enjoying lunch like nothing happened." "I'd love to shove that Cobb salad down his fat throat." "Whoa, lorelei." "You are the first human I've met who really gets it on the earth." "I mean in the neighborhood." "Hey, do you ever think about building a moat around your house so that you don't have to deal with all these lower life-forms?" "Oh, it's like you climbed into my mind and laid eggs." "Drinkies!" "Ooh, I love it here!" "Well, if it isn't Budhole Munger." "How's your mom, Donald Duckface?" "Still walking funny?" "Send me the bill." "Ho-ho!" "This your ringer?" "You bet I am." "Tad barclay." "Wharton school of business." "I, too, had sex with your mothers." "Up top!" "Bark." "Don:" "Ho-ho!" "Not bad, tad." "But look what my boy can do." "Do the thing with the dog." "Sorry, little buddy." "Just tell him to watch the ears." "Woof!" "[ Laughter ]" "[ Laughs ] Impressive." "It's nice to hit something you're not married to once in a while." "Shall we tee off?" "Does your mom have sex for nickels and chiclets?" "Nope." "Aah!" "[ man screams ]" "You're really good at shuffleboard, Josh." "And pretty cute, too." "Pushing plastic discs is fun for me." "Ugh, what are you doing here alone with weird Josh?" "He's not your boyfriend, is he?" "Ew." "No way." "I was just wasting time till you got here." "Thank God." "Come with us." "We're gonna go patrol the fence to make sure no persians get in." "Sounds coolio." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Chuckles ]" "Nice ringer, killbride!" "He's just like your mom trying to stay out of my pants." "He's not good at it." "B-because your mom's in my pants frequently." "Hellman, you're awful." "We're 40 strokes over." "I'm one putt away from firing you, boy." "Uh..." "Want another whack at my mutt?" "I do love pounding your pooch." "Aah!" "Aah!" "I think I heard a rib crack." "Boy, hitting that dog makes me forget about how much I want to fire you." "That's great." "Hold on to that feeling, sir." "Woof bark bark woof?" "What's up?" "What's up?" "My ass in a tree." "I can't believe you just offered me up like that." "And in case you're wondering, it hurts." "I'm sorry about that, but I'm a crappy golfer." "And when killbride hits you, he likes me." "And this is what we need for our mission right now." "[ Crying ] At what cost, man?" "At what cost?" "!" "[ Neighing evilly ]" "Stand back, little boy!" "This horse is out of control!" "Better get my shotgun." "[ Neighing ]" "[ Energy pulsing ]" "[ Neighing ] What's wrong, horse?" "[ Energy pulsing ]" "[ Neighing ] They moved my lady down to the lower paddocks." "She t'aint talking to me." "I may have cheated on her." "I gots to apologize." "I think I can help." "Hurry, boy." "I'm really worked up." "[ Neighing ] 15 serving love." "Ugh!" "[ Groans ]" "That's for betraying your wife, you whore!" "Ooh, this game is wild." "So we can just hit guilty people in the head for points?" "That's the idear, queer." "Mexican, corner pocket." "Ugh!" "Aah!" "Justice just got served." "Yee-ha!" "Yee-ha!" "So, what did he do?" "Did he kill a toll-booth operator?" "Did he sexually assault a goldfish?" "No." "He was born brown." "And they let him in the club." "Hey, wait." "You're not about justice." "Sure I am -- "just us" white people." "And whatever you are with your funky green skin." "[ Horse neighs ]" "Uh, time to the out." "What's that fat, creepy dog kid doing to the horses?" "What?" "That's no fat, creepy dog kid." "That's my son, Josh." "Girl, here's the thing." "You are dynamite, and your family is dynamite." "But if you want into this club, you have to lose the son." "Excuse me?" "Take him out behind the barn, shoot him in his fat face." "Consider it an abortion in your 157th trimester." "You just bought yourself a ticket to pain island." "You messed with my children, and that is my jurisdiction!" "Tina, I broke into Cindy funk's locker." "You want to see some terrible underpants?" "I would love to see Cindy funk's terrible underpants." "But first, do you mind if I hold you by the wrists and stare into your eyes?" "Say, just because we're in the ladies' locker room doesn't mean we have to get all LPGA." "But whatever." "I'm drunk." "Whore-um, gore-um, puddin' and whettle." "I call up the devil's fire and mettle." "Lord of the goatherd, come to us to settle." "I now possess you with the demon goat spirit of quetzepetle!" "What in the hey now is going on?" "You listen here, biz-natch." "No one calls my kid "fat, creepy dog boy"" "and lives to tell the tale." "He is a good, interesting, husky boy who marches to his own drummer." "Oh, lordy, ham pudding." "Are you gonna kill me?" "[ Laughs ] That's silly." "I would never kill you." "But once quetzepetle takes over, you're gonna wish you were dead." "[ Bleating ]" "Excuse me." "Did I overhear you might be LPGA?" "Do you want to grab some hard cider back in my condo?" "I'd love to, but I have a demon goat spirit to wrangle." "Od day, sir." "Aah!" "[ Both laughing ]" "Sweet sweating balls of thor!" "We're down 92 strokes with one hole left." "Give me that club and tee up that mutt." "[ Whimpering ]" "I'm gonna crush your skull." "[ Teeth chatter ]" "No more!" "I'm sorry, but I cannot watch my little gob-- mutt endure any more pain." "But smacking this gobmutt is the only reason I haven't fired you so far today." "I understand." "So you're willing to get fired over this?" "[ Whimpering ]" "Yes, sir." "Some things have a price that's just too darn pricy." "You're a fool." "A fool for friendship." "I ruv ru." "Hey!" "It sounded like your dog just said, "I love you."" "That's crazy." "[ Coughs ]" "Sorry, I was choking on a pretzel." "Let me take another run at it." "I love you, old chum." "[ Coughs ]" "A talking dog!" "[ Gasping, wheezing ]" "He's dead!" "Bud munger is dead!" "Thank God!" "Bet's off!" "Oh, happy day!" "Uh, why's that, sir?" "If munger won the bet, he would have gotten the Petromundo drill." "[ Gulps ]" "And the worst part was, he wanted to destroy it." "Imagine, destroying the drill." "Whew!" "That was a close one." "[ Breathing sharply ]" "No!" "Don't you die on me!" "Don't you dare die on me!" "I didn't even think they were clicking." "[ Braying, bleating ]" "Oh, crap." "Looks like lorelei got into my hair-loss meds again." "She's headed straight for the polo pony paddock!" "Quetzepetle?" "Tina!" "Hellman, get the cart." "When she gets like this, you need the strength of an aussie rules football team to calm her down." "So, we're okay, sir?" "My job is safe?" "Safe as a John Phillips bedtime story..." "If you're his daughter." "Of course not!" "You're fired!" "But you'll be dead if you don't help me." "Aw, rats!" "[ Neighing ]" "[ Chuckles ] Say hi to heaven for me!" "[ Indistinct shouting ]" "[ Bleating ]" "Lorelei!" "No!" "[ Whinnies softly ]" "[ Neighing in distance ]" "[ Hoofbeats ]" "[ Neighs ]" "[ Heroic music plays ]" "[ Bleats ]" "[ Brays ]" "What's that fat, creepy dog kid doing in there?" "I know what I'm doing." "You're going to get my lorelei trampled." "Get out or get shot!" "[ Slow-motion ] Noooooo!" "[ Thud ]" "Huh." "I probably don't have to say it, but that was from "the bodyguard."" "And in hindsight, I'm glad that no shots were fired." "Now, Mr. killbride, please let my son do his thing." "He's very good with animals." "Fine." "But if anything happens to precious wifey number 6, say adiós to ballchachos." "Wow." "Okay." "Josh, do your thing." "No pressure." "It's just my ballchachos." "I love you." "[ Neighing ] Tony, I brought your girlfriend horse, Angela." "[ Neighing ] Did you tell her that the other mare meant nothing to me?" "[ Neighing ] He told me everything." "Oh, Tony!" "[ Bleating ]" "Leave my girl alone, you bitch!" "[ Neighing ]" "Tina Marie hellman, stop this right now!" "Josh is doing fine." "Tina, I have a gun pointed at my good stuff." "Ah, fine!" "Whettle pettle... who gives a shettle?" "Just get out of here." "Oh, no." "Did I just do another donkey show?" "[ Crowd awws ]" "[ Neighing, grunting ]" "Oh, boy." "Horses need some private time, kids." "Who wants a mini-quiche?" "I'll take one." "Mandy, honey, uh, where did you get all that new clothing and bags and shoes and wonderful accessories?" "From my Chanel-icopter." "Uh, yeah, Mandy, honey, where did you get the Chanel-icopter?" "Persians -- all I had to do was open the fence a little so they could get in." "Hi, Josh." "Sorry I was mean before." "Can we still be together?" "No, bethany." "You need to learn a lesson about how to treat people with respect and dignity." "Plus, I found a new girl with bigger ta-tays." "Hellman, you lucky s.O.B." "Your blind faith in your nitwit son just bought you and your nachos balls Grande a stay of execution, boy." "What?" "Uh, I'm not fired?" "Far from it." "I'm giving you a promotion." "So I'm in charge of the drill?" "Hell, no." "That's bush league." "If you can manage this little freak on the home front," "I can't wait to see what you can do with the retards in plastics." "Artificial wombs, boy, that's the future." "[ Horses whinnying, grunting ]" "Lorelei, put your shirt back on this instant." "I love you guys!" "We love you, too." "[ Laughter ]" "Here you are." "With a side of money." "And here, for your nards." "Thanks." "I didn't want to be a goblin father anyway." "I'm just kidding." "My life will not be complete unless I father a child." "Defend your actions!" "How have you failed me this week?" "[ Chatters ]" "Um..." "Actually, this week was pretty good." "I got a promotion." "What did you do, join a country club?" "Hmm?" "Little golf?" "Little tennis?" "Hmm?" "Wow." "How'd you know that?" "[ As fonzie ] Hey." "Who do you think invented country clubs anyway?" "[ Laughs ]" "Girl, what did you learn?" "I learned persians are rich and generous." "Obvious." "Bored." "Next." "Tina, my dearest?" "I don't have anything." "That's all right, girl." "Looking fine." "Can I add one more thing?" "Popularity is like a double-edged sword." "Sure, it's like a cocaine trip to the center of the sun -- exciting, hot, melty." "But at the end of the day, will popularity bring you soup when you're sick?" "Family -- that's what matters." "It sounds like you took a cocaine trip to the center of your vagina." " What?" " I'm talking about the drill, boy." "Are you any closer to destroy the drill?" "Unbelievable." "Um..." "Hey..." "Don't you ever do a fun's voice," "After I've just done a fun's voice." "Just destroy the drill." "I propose a toast." "To us and to a wonderful week." "Kudos." "Hazaam." "Hazaam." "Hazaam."