"(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "(COUGHING)" "GUARD:" "Don't crowd, and do not, under any circumstances, sneeze on me." " (SNEEZING)" " I will write you up if you sneeze, or if you, in any way, get me moist with your fluids." "Please, step back, there's plenty for everyone till we run out." "Okay, I need to make sure you swallowed that." "Op..." "Thank you." "Ah!" "I got mad control over my epiglottis." " (COUGHING) - (INMATES GRUMBLING)" "(INMATES COUGHING)" "(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)" "(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)" "Here." "Trust me." "Have you been out there?" "I look like Michael Jackson." "No, I..." "I think you've got the wrong skin tone." "I look like Michael Jackson." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Whoo!" "Well, if it isn't Litchfield's biggest celebrity." "I don't know what that means." "Excuse me?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to stay healthy." "Boyfriend wrote quite the article about you." "Larry?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God, is that the Times?" "Yep." " He's in the Times?" " (CHUCKLES)" "What did he say?" "He went on and on about your enchanting little love story." "May I read it?" "I mean, I can wait until you're done, obviously." "I had no idea that he would actually make it in there." "Looks like I've already thrown mine away." "(TAPPING)" "Too much coffee irritates the stomach lining." "Trying to cut down." "Inmate!" "Out of the trash!" " But I just need to get..." " Out!" "(INMATES COUGHING)" "Hey, there, baby bump." "I can't give you the cold medicine, but I have got some menthol cough drops." "Crap." "They're somewhere in here." "(SIGHS)" "I don't have a cold." "Oh?" "That's good." "Is your back hurting again?" "(BREATH TREMBLING)" "I'm in labor." " (GROANS)" " Oh, fuck." "Morning, Red." "If you're here to ransack my kitchen again, go ahead." "The shelves could use a little dusting." "Nah." "I'm here to do you a favor." "No, thanks." "One of your little adopted daughters woke up in full-tilt withdrawal this morning." "Withdrawal from what?" "My girls are clean." "PORNSTACHE:" "Hmm." "Well, I guess this one slipped in the mud." "Now that her supply's been compromised, little Tricia's got a mean old case of the detox blues." "Then it's your fault." "Your mess." "You deal with it." "Believe me, you do not want to see how I would deal with it." "Now, the prison doesn't need a case of the junkie jitters on record, and I'm pretty sure that you don't want people thinking you've been a bad mommy." "So you're gonna walk her through it." "Quietly." "This whole time, you've been giving it to her." "Really, Red?" "At a time like this, does that matter?" "I'll take care of it." "(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "It's not about the prices, it's about the books." "(DMITRI SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "We have to move product regularly." "Then, and only then, we can explain other income." "Maybe you're not thinking big enough." "Restaurants come and go, yes?" "Look at this place." "Every week, we almost close." "But not schools." "Not hospitals." "Galina..." "All I'm saying is, you get something big, something steady, like the Italians have with the garbage, then you're not out chasing bids." "My father, he sold candy out of a box." "Every day, up and down the street." "He walked so much he wore holes in his shoes." "Until one day, he passed by an army base, right after the soldiers' lunchtime." "And he realized that all he had to do was stand there and open his box." "He sold out in minutes." "So he did it again, day after day." "There were always soldiers, there was always lunch, and they always wanted candy bars." "No more holes in his shoes." "(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "(MOCK CHATTERING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Got enough, bro?" "I wrote something in here." "Uh, a column." "Look." "Look, look." "See that?" "That's me." " I'm a writer." " No shit." "Yeah." "Arturo!" "Yeah?" "Dude right here's in the paper." "What'd he do?" "Check it." "Says he wrote a column!" "For real?" "Yo, that's sick, son!" "It is?" "Someday you're gonna write the whole paper, bro." "(CHUCKLING) Okay." "Yo, you on Facebook?" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Shit. (SIGHS)" "Hello?" "MAN:" "An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you." "To accept this call, please press one." " Hey." " PIPER:" "Larry?" "I've got great news." "Hi!" "I know." "You know?" "Yeah, your article came out to day." "Isn't it great?" "I mean, I wasn't expecting it, but I got the call last night." "So, apparently they pulled Randy's story about, uh, the surge in home breweries in Brooklyn because The New Yorker is running one on the surge in home wineries in Brooklyn." "So they ran mine instead." "That's great, honey." "I know." "Every one's been so positive." "My high school English teacher called my parents." "Your brother, he sent me a picture text of a thumbs up. (CHUCKLES)" "Can you read it to me?" "Want me to read it?" "I am going to read it." ""One Sentence, Two Prisoners."" "That sounds like "Two Girls, One Cup."" "No, it doesn't." "This is one, two, not two, one." "And no one is shitting in any cup, okay?" "I left that part out." "Your secret is safe." "Thanks." "(LAPTOP CHIMING)" "Oh, hold on." "Another one." "Let's see what it says." "It's from Pete." "(WOMAN MOANING)" "Porn." "He just..." "He sent porn." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(MARIA GROANING)" "What is that?" "Is that porn?" "Oh..." "Oh, Maria might be in labor." "What?" "Could you google symptoms of labor?" "They're running bets." "If I guess closest to the birth time, I could win a Twix." "I want to make an educated guess." "Isn't there a doctor in there?" "There's a nurse." "He says that she's gotta wait till her contractions are less than a minute apart to go to the hospital." "That's cutting it pretty close." "All right, here we go." "Okay, if her cervix has softened, she's definitely in labor." "Larry, how am I supposed to tell if her cervix is soft?" "Oh, wait." "Crowning." "Let's look at crowning." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "Yeah." "I'll definitely send that to Pete." "Speaking of whom, he is taking me out for a drink tonight." "Uh, Polly, too." "And some other people." "To, uh, celebrate." "Sounds like fun." "Who else is going?" "I don't know." "Polly made a last-minute Evite so..." "So you're having a party." "An Evite equals party." "Why didn't you just tell me you were going to a party tonight?" "With all of our friends." "You're not here to tell me I can't wear brown shoes with black pants." " It's pretty basic." " (CHUCKLES)" "I know." "Still." "I am really happy for you." "This is a really big thing." "And it deserves to be celebrated." "Yeah, okay." "You're gonna have a great time." "And you deserve that." "And on my end," "I have a really strong shot at a Twix bar." "It's a great day." "(SIGHS) Of course." "I have to go to work soon." "Can you read me the article?" "The rest of the world got to read your story before I did." "Our story." "Okay." "Okay." "Here it goes." ""It always starts the same way," ""with a latte and a bacon scone." ""And then I hit the road..."" "(MARIA COUGHING)" "(MARITZA SPEAKING SPANISH)" "I'ma kill that motherfucker!" "The nurse?" "My boyfriend." "And the nurse, too." "(WAILING)" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" " Time?" " It's the same." "He said she cannot come back until they're closer." "I'm sorry." "That maricon wouldn't know labor if that baby popped out and slapped him in the fucking face." "Well, it's not him." "It's the rules." "Well, he's the face of the rules." " Just keep walking, mami." " I'm gonna try." "Here." "Had to haggle with I as negritas, but I got it." "Got what?" "To get Lucy coming out, they made me eat a whole pineapple." "But that's pineapple soda." "You know, for my son, they told me to play with my chichitas." "You know, it just gets the hormones going." "You know, you gotta just twiddle them." "You wanna try it?" "(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" " Come on, less talking." "Just breathe." " (MARIA GRUMBLING)" "MARITZA:" "Okay." "Come on." "And then there were two." "Where is everybody?" "They're sick." "Pussies." "I don't believe in getting sick." "Wow." "Mind over mucous, huh?" "Yeah." "That, and I stockpile from commissary." "I'm on a cough syrup cocktail that would make Lil Wayne vomit in his dreads." "(DOOR OPENING)" "New reading material." "I'm assuming you're both fluent in Hindi." "I think there are pictures." "There's a broken dryer in the laundry room." "Martha or Maddie or some shit." "I can't keep track of the nicknames." "Just, uh, take care of it." "How?" "Make it not broken." "(CHUCKLES)" "(INMATES COUGHING)" "(SNEEZING)" "Man, I'm never gonna get this shit." "The label fell off." "Guide to Bird-Watching." "Seven-hundreds?" "Five-hundreds." "That's science." "But it's a hobby, though." "A hobby about science." "Okay." "(SIGHS) So, you gonna tell me how it went, or what?" "How what went?" "Your bat mitzvah, bitch!" "What do you think I'm talking about?" "I don't know." "It went." "A bunch of people I never met looked at my case file." "One guy had a beard." "They asked you a lot of questions?" "Not as many as you." "All right, look." "I really appreciate you trying to teach me all this, getting me assigned and every..." "Shh!" "(SIGHS)" "Look, what I mean is, if you don't leave," "I'll just go right back to clean crew." "This your job." "I know you like it here." "Don't nobody like it here." "Your hair looked good." "It did." "(CHUCKLING)" "(BUZZING)" "MAN OVER PA:" "Attention, all personnel, be advised count is not clear." "Please conduct a recount." "Hey, there." "Hey." "Hear you got a broken appliance, ma'am." "Yeah?" "A real rusty old thing that needs fixing?" "Oh, well, my husband isn't home." "He's got the checkbook." "Hopefully there's some way I could pay you." "Well, I have been feeling a little tense lately." "Maybe if I stick my dick in your mouth, it might help me relax." "Oh, God." "No, thanks." "What?" "Too hetero?" "Okay." "How about "wrench in your twat"?" "All right." "Well, the broken one's over there, and her name's Myra." "So you can stick your wrench in her twat." "(SNICKERS)" "(CANDIES CLATTERING)" "I hate when she sends The Quiet Storm." "Can't she just come over and tap you on the shoulder?" "She has an irrational fear of the spin cycle." "Won't step foot in here." "I'd better go." "Yeah, well..." "Mommy needs you." "Can't be that serious." "When it's serious, she throws coconuts." "(SIGHS)" "NICKY:" "Come on!" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "You don't look half bad in those." "Thanks." "(CHUCKLES)" "You sure you know what you're doing?" "NICKY:" "I have no idea." "Don't lie to me." "She made a mistake, okay?" "She's 19 years old." "I covered for her when she got here." "Hmm?" "Just like I did for you." "And I warned her if it ever..." "It's not like it's her choice." "I mean, she's an addict, all right?" "She had a slip." "We can help her." "Just give her a chance." "No more chances." "Two strikes, that's what she gets." "Russians don't play baseball." "Jesus, with this shit." "She needs to go down, and whoever she drags down with her deserves it." "You send her down the hill, she's fucked, and you know it." "Okay, you're taking this personally." "It's not personal, it's chemical." "Drugs have a way of making you do shit you don't wanna do." "So do I." "(CLANKING)" "Okay." "(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)" "(LAUGHS)" "I look pathetic." "I'm aware." "I wasn't laughing at you." "Right." "Anyway, significantly less funny than the time you fixed our toaster with a hot glue gun." "(CHUCKLING)" " You wanna see something?" " What?" "Okay, so we don't just do inmate laundry, right?" "Right." "Some of the guards drop off their clothes, too." "So, Wanda Bell?" "You might remember her as the bloodsucking dragon-cunt?" "She works up front, eats souls for fun?" "Every once in a while, we find a pair of men's boxers in there." "No big deal." "Even Bigfoot's gonna get laid sometimes." " Except these boxers..." " Oh!" "...have a name stitched on them like he's a third grader." "ALEX:" "S. O'Neill." "(GASPING) No!" "The guard S. O'Neill?" "Drama!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Where does that belly go?" "I don't know." " Ooh!" " (CHUCKLES)" "Hey!" "Y'all done having fun?" "We're just getting started, bitch." "(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)" " I should finish fixing that." " You want some help?" "No, that's really okay." "I work these machines all day." "I saw Little Sarah get a shot for helping Nicky hold a ladder." "So?" "You're laundry, I'm electric." "We're from different worlds." "And I don't want any trouble." "Oh, fuck her." "I'm gonna help you, no strings attached." "(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)" "How goes it?" "I've been better." "If I tell you it gets easier, does that make me corny?" "Makes you a liar." "Yeah." "Brought you some O.J. Carton, not Simpson." "(CHUCKLES)" "Man, this clinic my mom dragged me to, they strapped me down to a bed just like this." "(CHAIR CLANKING)" "So the nurses hated me, 'cause I kept makin' Exorcist jokes." ""Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" (CHUCKLES)" "That shit never gets old, right?" "I might actually be lucky this happened now." "(SHIVERING) Guards just think I got the flu like everyone else." "Well, in two days, you're gonna be wishing you had the flu." "I'm lucky you're here with me." "Yeah." "And I'll get through it." "I'll get back on track." "They won't even find out I was using." "Yes, they will." "Shit, no." "Girls got my back, right?" "I ain't never snitched nobody, so who's gonna tell 'em?" "You are." "What?" "Two strikes." "That's all you get." "Red sent me." "Says she doesn't play baseball." "I'm quitting, Nicky." "Tell her that." "Don't make me go down there." "This isn't about you." "Red's fighting a bigger fight." "Shit's changing around here." "She is supposed to take care of us." "You're gonna get up." "You're gonna walk down to the CO's office..." "Please." "You're gonna tell him you were using and throw yourself on his mercy." "They'll put me in the SHU, and I'll die in there." "You won't die, you'll suffer." "And then you'll come back out." "Say what you need to say." "You're supposed to be my family." "Not anymore." "(SOBBING) Nicky!" "Nicky, no!" "No!" "Please." "Please!" "Please, don't go!" "Stop." "Wait!" "Damn." "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Esta bien, okay?" "Come on, mama." " Mmm-hmm." "Mmm-hmm." " Almost there." "All right." "You're doing great." "Okay." "Okay." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Oh, just my luck, right?" "I go into labor the day the fucking plague hits." "They'll be here soon." "Just rest." "(WHIMPERING)" "You're gonna need your energy." "(COUGHING)" "You, quiet." "She's laboring here." "Is the baby gonna be staying with us?" "You see any babies around here?" "Besides you?" "I'll be back." "Breathe." "Relax and breathe." "And if you feel like you gotta go to the bathroom, that's the baby comin'." " Huh?" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" " Hold it in and pray it doesn't turn out like that one." "Okay?" "I'll be right back." "(MARIA WHIMPERING)" "Y'all are like a novela." "You know that, right?" "Y'all are like some cautionary tale shit." "You two should tour high schools for abstinence, 'cause a minute with you two is better than Plan B." "Whatever." "If my daughter ever talked to me that way..." "If I ever talk to her that way..." "I mean, shit." "What's the point?" "This world is full enough with bitches trying to kill you." "The hospital van just parked." "Let's go have a baby." "(GROANING)" "Okay, okay." "NURSE:" "Good, good, good." "Okay." "(MARIA BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Oh, my God..." "NURSE:" "All right, let's get you to the van." "Everything's going to be okay." "Hey, uh..." "Okay, so be careful." "Relax." "I do this all the time." "Why?" "Because it's fucked up." "And when you work with geniuses like I do, the motor gets stuck all the time." "Did you find it?" "I don't know." "I need a little more light back here." "Okay." "How about that?" " Better." " Okay." "So, it looks like the safety lock is connected with a blue wire..." "Okay." "...to something back there that's got, like, two screws sticking right out of it, and it's right next to this T-shaped thing." " Oh, damn it!" " (CLUNKING)" " Shit!" " Shit!" "I have to get more batteries." "Fuck!" "My glasses fell off." "I'll be right back." "I think I can reach it if I could just angle my fucking hand back there." "(LATCH CLICKING)" "ALEX:" "What the fuck?" "What the hell are you doing?" "Who, me?" "I'm just getting started, bitch." "Oh..." "Fuck me." "(SIZZLING)" "You wanted to see me?" "Patricia Miller." "Trailer park all-star with the classy neck tat?" "Oh, yeah." "She just got a 100 series shot for a nasty case of the DTs." "Wow." "Hope they got a lot of mops in the SHU." "(CHUCKLES)" "Did she say anything?" "She just cried and shook." "Thing is, she's been here 10 months." "How come she doesn't go cold turkey a while back?" "Something's been getting in here." "I always said, when they first come through, we should check their assholes thoroughly." "If the wrong person realizes there's product moving through this prison..." "It's one junkie." "It's an isolated thing." "Oh, really?" "I bet my balls we get 10 more sweating it out by the end of the month." "And if they turn up, the warden's gonna want somebody's head." "And it ain't gonna be mine." "I'm sure it'll all be fine." "Besides, whatever she was doing clearly ran out, right?" "So you're good." "Let's see how good I am a week from now." "I hope, for all our sakes, you're right." "And Mendez?" "Question." "It's off-topic." "I got a look in a bar last night." "This guy..." "The mustache." "It hasn't become like a gay thing, has it?" "(SCOFFS)" "No." "Fuck, no." "Gay!" "The 'stache is not for fags, it's for fuckin' men." "Yeah." "It's fuckin' all-beef, fucking cunt-ramming awesome." "Okay." "Just checking." "(THUDDING)" "(THUDDING CONTINUES)" "Oh, my God." "Alex?" "Get me out of here." "What?" "It's locked." "Are you okay?" "No!" "Maybe I can, uh..." "What the hell happened?" "It was that fucking meth-head!" " Seriously?" " Yes!" " I'm gonna go get help." " No, no, no!" "No, no, no!" "Just open the door." "If they find out that I was helping you, I'm gonna get in trouble." "You said so yourself." "You offered." "Are you serious?" "I told you that this was a bad idea." "(THUDDING) I did!" " Don't you do that!" " Do what?" "That thing." "Like this is my fault." "You know what I mean." "Like you aren't accountable for anything that ever happens in your life, ever." "Am I supposed to tell them that I made you get into the dryer?" "No, I want you to get me out." "Read that manual, unjam the door, step the fuck up!" "Wait, Piper, where are you going?" "I'm just gonna go..." "No!" "Don't you go!" "Don't you fucking leave me." "Okay." ""Okay," what?" "I'm here." "So, this is all of 'em, huh?" "All the approved vendors?" "That's it." "Just those five." "Nobody else gets through this gate?" "No suspicious delivery guy, no shady-lookin' mook in a fuckin' tampon truck?" "There's creepy linens dude, and the dry goods lady, the vegetable people." "(HORN HONKING)" "Sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it?" "The Vegetable People?" "Like a giant celery serial killer, carrying a machete," "(LAUGHING) or broccoli lighting' shit up with a flame-thrower." "(MIMICKING FLAME-THROWER)" ""Who's a smoothie, now, bitches?"" "(SNICKERS)" "Asshole." "Shit's funny." "ALEX:" "It's almost count time." "I know." "I know." "I'm pretty sure I'm suffocating." " (THUDDING)" " Ow!" " Loud." " Sorry." "So, what, Nicky never came back?" "Your girlfriend?" "No." "My girlfriend?" "Yeah." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Never mind." "No, what do you mean by that?" "I said, nothing." "I said, never mind." "What, you expect me to wait for you to come around?" " Come around?" " Yeah." "As in "get back together" come around?" "Are you kidding me?" " I'm engaged." " Right." "You know what?" "Do not confuse this." "Maybe, just maybe, we will get friendly again." "Maybe." " We were never friends, Piper." " We weren't..." "No." "Not for a second." "I loved you, I loved having sex with you." "(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)" "And more importantly, I am not suggesting that I want you back, you Park Slope narcissist." "I mean for you to come around like an actual human being." "And not with some hollow bullshit apology, or that cute little sad face that might work on your fucking boyfriend." "I've been waiting for you to come around, and treat me like an actual human being and realize what a fucking horse's ass you've been." "I've been a horse's ass?" "Fuck, yeah!" "Fuck you!" "And this dryer!" "This fucking shitty piece of goddamn dryer!" "Dryer!" "LUSCHEK:" "So abusive." "Maybe if you tried talking nice to it, or, uh, if you took your top off and rubbed up against it." "Might, uh, pop open then, right, huh?" "Shit." "What the hell's going on?" "Fuck." "LORNA:" "Where was it we're going?" "Wherever I tell you to go." "Okay." "It's just, I'm not supposed to be this far from camp." "You're not supposed to wear that pretty whore lipstick either, but you do, don't ya?" "Yeah, stop here." "Shut the car off." "(ENGINE STOPS)" "(INHALING DEEPLY)" "(EXHALES)" "The old Moscow mule." "Red?" "She's got a way of bringing stuff in." "It's not really up to code." "Do you know what I mean?" "(CHUCKLING) No." "I need to know how." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I drive, I don't work kitchen." "I know." "You're afraid of her." "(LAUGHING) Shit, I don't blame you." "But you know what?" "There are things out here much worse than some scary Russian bitch." "I'm gonna ask you again." "Nicely." "And then the third time, it's not gonna be very nice." "For you." "(CHUCKLES)" "I told you." "I don't know what she does." "I drive, and I do what I need to do." "And I can't help you 'cause I really don't know." "So you do whatever." "I can't tell you what I don't know." "(LAUGHS)" "Start the car, inmate. (SIGHS)" "You're too far from camp." "(ENGINE STARTING)" "(CHUCKLING) I mean, what exactly were you two doing?" "When I got there, the blonde one was screaming and the hot one was stuck inside." " The hot one?" " The hot one?" "HEALY:" "You can go, Luchek." "Okay." "And it's, uh, Luschek." "Like a "loose check."" "How long have I worked here, man?" "God!" "Mr. Healy, it was..." "I asked her." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "No, I..." "Look, I volunteered." "No, no, no." "I asked her." "She works in the laundry room, so I figured she knew more about the machines than I did." "I know that I wasn't supposed to, but I did." " This is my fault." " No." "Mr. Healy..." "Now, just shut up." "A couple of years ago, we found two women naked from the waist down, sitting on those dryers for their own enjoyment." "(CHUCKLES)" "You wouldn't happen to have been doing anything like that, would you?" "I'm more of a dishwasher kind of gal, sir." "(STIFLING LAUGHTER)" " What?" " Nothing." "Glad you're making new friends, Chapman." "I'm writing you both a shot." "Now get the hell out of my office." "Chapman." "You think if I wrote stories about you, I might make the papers?" "'Cause I'm gathering a nice collection here." "WOMAN OVER PA:" "Due to repairs, clean clothes can be picked up tomorrow." "(COUGHING)" "Whoa." "You moved her in?" "The fuck is she doing?" "What I told her to do." "And watch your tone." "It's my bunk, too." "I get no say in this?" "No one gets a say." "She was assigned by her counselor." "And she'll be good for you." "She never talks." "You might learn something." "I've got friends of my own, you know." "There's other people in this prison, not just the ones who drink your goddamn Kool-Aid." "Are you finished?" "You're starting to sound finished." "(SCOFFS)" "What, huh?" "(MEN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "(LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "Anyway, our guy looked into the government contracts thing." "Schools, hospitals." "Yeah?" "Looks like we'll be able to work something out." "To this motherfucking wanker right here." "Here we go." "To the first of many articles in world-class publishing and the like." "After this comes the book deal, and then the movie deal, and then the inevitable sexual harassment scandal." "(PETE LAUGHING)" "(PETE CLEARS THROAT)" "PETE:" "Big-time newspaperman." "Salud!" "ALL:" "Salud!" " Cheers." " Salud." "PETE:" "Cheers." "Thank you." "Thank you, guys." "PETE:" "Mmm." "PETE:" "It's my shout." "You having an okay time?" "What?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Of course." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "This is great." "Really, Polly, thank you." "This is awesome." "It must be hard without her." "You have no idea." "She'd want you to have a good time, I'm sure." "Yeah, I know." " Doesn't make it any easier, though." " Right." "Probably makes it harder." "Bingo." "(SIGHS)" "I know I should be feeling thrilled right now." "I'm in print, I'm young-ish." "And I'm healthy." "Also "ish."" "I'm alive." "I'm a living, breathing thing, and it's really..." "It's overwhelming how lucky I am." "But yet every night I go to bed, and I have this gnawing feeling." "Like what I've got is not enough." "And every morning I wake up thinking the feeling'll be gone, but it's not." "Does that make me a selfish, fucking ungrateful douche bag?" "Larry, honey..." "Hmm?" "Take me to the hospital." " Now?" "Now?" " Now." "This fiance of yours..." " Hmm?" " (INMATES COUGHING)" "What's it like when he comes to visit?" "It's good." "It's weird." "Sometimes it feels like there's never enough time, and then sometimes" "it feels like there's actually too much." "What do you mean by that?" "There's no menu, or basket of bread on the table, or TV to glance at." "It's just us, looking at each other, which can be great." "And it should be." "But sometimes..." "You just need to look away." "Someone told me that you never have had a visitor." "Can I ask why?" "I guess I just had to look away." "PIPER:" "Larry?" "Hey." "I'm just relaxing, being normal." "Reading about, uh..." "Piper, that's my rinsing cup." "Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup." "Well, you put your pee stick in my vagina." "And that's why we're in this situation." "I love it when you call my mighty staff a pee stick." "I think I might want it." "My mighty staff?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Piper, there is no "it" yet." "I know." "But if there is..." "You're going to prison in three months." "I know." "I could be pregnant while I'm in prison." "What else am I gonna be doing in there?" "How did we go from not talking about kids at all to starting a prison family?" "People are always saying that there's never a perfect time." "(CHUCKLING) Okay, I'm not sure that our current situation applies here." "Are we at least gonna talk about other options?" "You mean..." "It's not Voldemort." "You can say it." "Abortion." "Oh." "Look, not..." "Okay, not that I'd insist, Piper." "Okay?" "I..." "Your body, yourself." "It's a wonderland." "I just..." "I'm just..." "I'm still stuck in the mindset that I've been in for so long." "I don't..." "Like when Polly and Pete told us," "I felt panicked for them before I remembered that people actually want to get pregnant now." "So you're saying that you don't want it." "I want to have a family with you, Piper." "Of course." "So, listen." "You know all those conversations that we've had about making my time in there meaningful?" "Well, we could, we could start a new future now, instead of waiting." "Piper, the baby would come home, and you would still be in jail." "Let's see what the pee stick has to say about this." "I feel sad." "I feel sad that you feel sad." "He's beautiful." "I mean, I don't know." "That's what you're supposed to say, right?" "It's a baby." "You have to say it's amazing." "I mean, you can't say," ""It's amazing how much he looks like John Goodman."" "Okay, so tell me everything." "From the very beginning." "You got Polly into the..." "I got Polly in, she's changing into her gown," " and she's like, "Where's Pete?"" " Yes." ""Where the hell is Pete?"" "So I go out and he's not in the waiting room, he's not in the lobby." "I look outside." "He is..." "He's on the ground, Piper." "He's on the fucking pavement, wrestling with the cab driver." "Jesus!" "Yeah." "He left his credit card at the bar." "And I can't pay the guy, 'cause of course Pete had done his whole, you know, "Don't bring a cent." "Your money's no good here." ""Tonight is your night, mate,"" "so I had to let the guy run the meter until Polly's dad got there." "And Polly's dad rolled his eyes, 'cause..." "Of course he rolled his fucking eyes!" "And I'm like, "P.S., dickhead, I just saved your grandchild" ""from being born on a gin-soaked" ""shuffleboard table." "You're welcome."" "Did she get the extra stitch?" "I don't know what that is." "But every one was asking about you, Pipes." "I mean, every one at the bar." "Literally every chance they got." "People like you, Piper Chapman." "Even people that haven't met you." "One of Polly's friends?" "She said she felt like she knows you because of how well I captured your spirit." "She doesn't know me." "That girl that you wrote about?" "That's not me." "What do you mean?" "Nothing." "Do you think that I'm a narcissist or a horse's ass?" "What?" "No, of course not." "Why would you say that?" "(VOICE BREAKING) I missed your party." "I couldn't get the dryer open." "And I wasn't there when my best friend had her baby." "It's just shitty." "I know." "(CRYING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(INMATES CLAMORING)" "I got her." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "This room is for prayer." "Never heard of it." "(SIGHS)" "We need to talk." "Heard about your old roommate." "Sent down to seg, and an extended sentence." "It's a raw deal." "Yeah." "I got a couple questions that I need to ask you." "I think you may know the answers to 'em." "About Red and the way that she runs her business." "And I would think that a smart, savvy person like yourself would know an opportunity..." "Neptune's Produce." "You wanna know how she gets the contraband in?" "That's it." "Now leave me the fuck alone." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)" "WOMAN OVER PA:" "Reminder, ladies, to wash your hands, and do not share towels." "Clean ladies are healthy ladies." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "(LAUGHING) I know, right?" "All right." "INMATE:" "Later." "What's up, T?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Yo, we gotta get some hot sauce in this bitch, like you said, man." "Tapatio, Texas Pete..." "Shit, I don't even care." "Yo, if that shit don't come through soon, you gotta start filibustin' the WAC." "I heard back from the board." "Yo, T, them motherfuckers don't know shit." "You know that." "I'm getting out." "Wait, you ain't playin'?" "No." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Tays!" "(GIGGLING)" "POUSSEY:" "Oh, my..." "MAN OVER PA:" "Mail delivery will be delayed as letters are being screened for anthrax." "So, you have experience in kitchens." "Food preparation?" "Some experience." "Yes." "Maybe we can get you a job in here." "You know, Angie, our last cook, she's no longer with us." "She got out?" "Yeah, something like that." "GUARD:" "Romano?" " Reznikov." " Red." "Show her the ropes tomorrow." "I look forward to it." "GUARD:" "Okay." "Let me show you around over here." "Got a minute there, cowboy?" "Everything okay?" "Of course it is." "We just gotta have a little talk, you and me." "Go ahead." "(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)" "(COUGHING)" "You sick, too?" "(SIGHING) Oh." "Yeah, it got me a day late." "Sorry." "What, are you a vampire now?" "Do you need an invitation?" "Not too close, though." "I'm contagious." "I know." "I'm plotting my revenge on that redneck fucking Deliverance extra." "If you want in." "Maybe." "You seem depressed." "Even for prison." "You know, if you ever wanna talk about it, that's what the counselors are for." "(LAUGHING)" "(COUGHING)" "Personally, I went on sad drugs when I got here, and they worked for a while, but now I just cheek 'em and trade 'em for black eyeliner." "(CHUCKLES)" "(SNIFFLES)" "They make me constipated." "I would rather shit and cry than strain and nap all the time." "What's wrong?" "Really." "He wrote an article about me." " The fiance?" " Mmm-hmm." ""One Sentence, Two Prisoners."" "Oh, it's a terrible title." "I know." "And I'm happy for him, but he got..." "He got so much of it so wrong." "I'm not somebody's girlfriend." "I'm not some cool story at a yuppie fucking cocktail party." ""You did a year in the Peace Corps?" "I did a year in prison."" "Fuck, no!" "Those things we did, you and me, that wasn't adventure or a romp." "That was my life." "You want me to kill him?" "(ALEX SNICKERS)" "I may be a sick lesbian in a prison bunk, but I got a couple tricks up my sleeve. (LAUGHS)" "(SIGHING) Ugh." "I feel like I am missing so much." "Me, too." "Why are you making that face?" "(SNEEZES)" "(SNIFFLES)" "Shit." "(MARITZA CLEARS THROAT)" "I brought you this." "In case you throw up." "Keep it there till you feel better." "Thanks." " She have the baby?" " Yeah." "11:53 p.m." "Some blanca guesser bitch won the Twix." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Fine." "Everyone else seems to be getting over it." "I should be back to normal soon." "You ain't got what everybody else has." "How do you know?" "'Cause your tits are popping out of your shirt." "Same shit happened to me every fuckin' time." "Every time what?" "You'll feel better in nine months." "(THEME SONG PLAYING)"