"The story so far." "Winsome state-registered nurse Otto von Nail Scissors whilst on a midget-spotting holiday in Sardinia meets the sinister stoat-heiress Andromeda Manby Fluteswallower posing as a dilettante Archbishop and Y.W.C.A. Butterfly champion." "Otto's swarthy cousin black pudding farmer Milton Stagbottler and his wife Air Marshall Sir Abdul Buglepellet, nee Reg Pubes the international piano wrestler, and one-time personal pig sticker to Donald Peers are lured into the all-night goat wash and Electric Turkish Bath in the Edgeware Road," "where Grummitt, zoom," "Strimbongler, zoom," "Polk, zoom," "Rawicz and Landauer and the full West End cast of the Desert Song are lying in wait for them disguised as... a typewriter." "Meanwhile in a Chilean slaughter house half way up the Eiffel Tower..." "I'm afraid there seems to have been some sort of mistake." "Here is the weather." "At last, the 1948 Show." "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm your hostess for tonight and I would now like to introduce the Show." "Oh, but first I wonder if you could help me?" "You see, I have this friend you see, who is ever so beautiful and loveley and she wants to get into films and do things like being an international star." "I'm – ooh, she's ever so lovely and beautiful in an international star sort of way." "And I love all film producers." "Yes, and so does she." "Her name is the lovely A – A – Ada Thing." "So nice film producers, please send all you big offers to Ada Thing, care of the Lovely Aimi Macdonald." "Thank you." "Ooh, sorry:" "The Show." "Yes, that fits very, well I'll take one." " One sir?" " Yes, the left one." " Not the pair?" "No." "Just the left one, I won't be needing the right one, unfortunately." "I'm sorry, I don't quite understand." " Because of the crocodile." " Beg your pardon?" " Because of the crocodile." " What crocodile?" "The one that's going to bite my right leg off." "A crocodile's going to bite your right leg off?" "Yes." "Snap." "Off comes the leg." "Hop, hop, hop, unfortunately." "So just the left shoe please." "Yes." "Why's the crocodile going to..." "And a glove." "Better make it just the right one." " Because of the crocodile?" " No, the eagle." "He'll come to help the crocodile." "They do you know." "More's the pity." "So, snap snap in the area of my right leg." "Hop, hop, hop." "Put hands up to keep balance." "And here comes the eagle." "Whoosh, snap, gulp." "No left hand, no right leg, unfortunately." "So just the one of each." "Oh, and an eye patch." "Left eye." "Because of the stork." "The stork?" "What stork?" "WHAT stork?" "!" "Look mate, crocodile snap snap, hop hop." "Poor old me." "Eagle whoosh snap gulp." "That's me hand gone." "Here comes a stork, flap, flap, peck, peck." "Oh me eye, too late unfortunately, more's the pity." "And you ask me what stork." "Who cares what bloody stork!" "The damage is done, and here comes a swarm of bees, bzz bzz sting sting swarm swarm ouch ouch." "Oh, better give me a balaclava helmet." "But how do you know this is all going to happen?" "Well I don't know, it's only a hunch." " A hunch!" " Yeah." "A HUNCH!" "Get out of here, stop wasting my time, get out of my shop." "It's always the unexpected isn't it?" "Good evening, here is the news." "The Loveley Aimi Macdonald is very well." "The end." "Take 'em off." "Ha ha ha." "I said take 'em off then." "Let's see a close up, come on!" "Ha ha ha." "Come on, let's see your knickers." "I say let's see your knickers then." "What do we appreciate, 2, 4, 6, 8, KNICKERS!" "Let's seem 'em, come on." " Good evening." " Good evening." "Would you keep the noise down a little please." " Who are you?" " I'm the bouncer." " What!" " I'm the bouncer." "That is to say I remove people when they become obstreperous." "Shove off." "Now look, don't make things difficult for me..." "Of course I won't make things difficult for you." "...because I don't want to have to resort to any..." "Hooray!" "Well done for me!" "Take 'em off then!" "Let's see your knickers!" "I said let's see 'em then." "Now look." "You're an educated man and a gentleman." "Take your knickers off." "Go on." "Surely I can appeal to your reason." "Of course you can." "I always enjoy people appealing to my reason." "One, two, three..." "Ho, one for reason." "Hurrah!" "Here we go then." "Come on." "Let's see it then girlie." "Let's see her." " Hello." " Oh hello." "Me again." "Now, what was I saying?" "You were saying, surely you can appeal to my reason." "That's right, yes." "You see, the last thing I want to have to use is violence." "Quite right too." "K, N, I, C, K, E, R, S!" "KNICKERS!" "Yes, that's the last thing I want to have to use." "Splendid, splendid." "Yes." "Instead I want to appeal to your reason." "Absolutely right my dear friend." "Absolutely right." "You see violence has never solved any problems." "You're so right." "Dessert trolley please." "Take the early attempts to repress Christianity." "Not only did Caligula and for that matter Nero fail to extirpate the Christian doctrines, but on the contrary..." " There we are." "by publicising the martyrdom of the oppressed cause they merely propagated the very ethic as it were they sought to destroy." "Hoist by their own petard one might venture to say." " My own, yes." " Yes." "I know you're going to bring up that phrase 'the double edged sword of reason', which I would counter, sir, that old chestnut, about repression of aggressive drives leading leading to inhibition in other areas of experience as it were." "Which I would counter, woolly thinking sir!" "Woolly thinking." " Quite right." " Take Mahatma Gandhi for instance." "Or Yung." "I'm sure you're aware of Yung, sir, as an educated man, sir." "Yes, sir." "As you're no doubt aware, sir, he wrote a book about the..." "Now shut up." "'Cause remember what the good book says:" "The meek shall inherit the earth!" "God knows how!" "I name these thousand ships the Lovely Aimi Macdonald the Second." "Siggy!" "Siggy!" "Siggy!" "Siggy!" "Siggy!" "Siggy!" "Siggy!" "Siggy!" " I think he's gorn." " Yes." "Yes." "He's gorn all right." "Pity." "Means another whip round I suppose." "Yes." " Sir?" " Ah, Fig." " Lord Sigwood's gorn." " Oh dear, sir." "So if you'd do the usual with him, and bring us two more brandies." "So that's two brandies here, and none for Lord Sigwood." "Yes, sir." "Wonder how long he's been gorn." "Difficult to tell with Siggy." "Yes, difficult." " Damn fine..." " Dark horse!" "Dark horse, dark horse, but damn fine singer." " Singer?" " Who?" " Siggy." " Was he?" "I didn't know that." "Grunty!" " How are you?" " How are you?" "Long time no see." " Must be sixty years." " Sixty, seventy." " Oh dear." " Oh dear." " Pity." " Pity." "See you soon anyway." "Morning, Gropey." "Hello Gropey." "Oh dear me I feel so tired, guide me into the chair will you?" "Am I right for it?" " Difficult to tell from here." "Oh dear." "Quite a morning." " Puffy's gorn." " Oh, pity." "Yes." "Damn fine steeplejack." " Steeplejack?" " Yes." " Morning Fuzzy." " Hello, Guppy." " Where's Cynthia?" " He's over there." " Morning, Guppy." " Morning, Gropey." "Hello, Gropey." "Here we are again." "Guide me into the chair please will you." " Starboard." " Starboard." " Port." " Port." " Port." " Starboard." " Port." " Bit more to starboard." " Steady." " Steady." "Finish engines." "Made it." "Barrow!" " Pity about Gropey." " Yes." "Damn fine unicyclist." "Unicyclist?" "What are you talking about?" "He wasn't a unicyclist." "He was a banker." "Damn fine banker." "Funny." "He didn't look like a banker." "He didn't look like a unicyclist." " Morning." " Hello!" "Lovely morning, lovely lovely morning." " A lot of us going this morning." " Yes." "Wonder how many." "Don't know, let's have a look at the scoreboard." "39..." "40." "Usually busy at the weekends." "I don't know what it is about this place, but sometimes I find it very depressing." "Hello." "Now of course most of you watching this evening are not scientists." "Well I am and so I'm going to talk over your heads a bit." "Serves you right for laughing at me because I don't know any history." "Anyway I can play the recorder and my spelling's better than it was." "Oh yes." "Tonight, I'm going to tell you about germs, or bacteria," "G, E, R, M, S, no, apostrophe S." "No, just S." "Right." "Right then, spelling." "I mean, germs." "Right now, a lot of you, unlike us scientists, we scientists, thinks germs is harmful." "Well they're not, ha ha ha." "In fact we scientists have now found a way of making germs work for us." "Scientists." "For example we scientists have now found that we can make from an ordinary chryseudo pseudolic copio eda cumpio cocci elipera, ha ha ha, a germ that will make your kneecap ache." "Another major breakthrough is that we scientists can now make millions of new diseases for non-scientists." "For the enemy." "For example we can now produce a new extremely large germ, a germ so large that it can kill a man by acts of physical violence." "Like kicking him in the head for laughing at me." "Or kneeing him in the throat." "Serves him right." "Serve you all right, you pigs." "You nasty pigs." "Keep your rotten poetry, it won't kill anyone." "And I've got my nice little friends, my germs, they'll come round and bite your head off." "One day I'm going to play my recorder in the Royal Albert Hall, nobody will laugh at me." "Nobody will laugh at me because I can't spell, and if they do my germs will execute them." "So don't you forget that!" "Never!" "And now I'd like to finish with a song:" "If I ruled the world, every day would be the first..." "Hello, I expect you are all wondering how the "Make the Lovely Aimi Macdonald a Rich Lady Fund" is getting on." "Well, it's not." "Only one little postal order for one and nine, and even the gracious Aimi Macdonald herself is very angry." "In fact she's so angry that she rang nice mister Wilson and he said you've all got to give." "It's a new rule." "After all, if he can take the trouble..." " Hello." " Hello." "You don't by any chance happen to know the latest test score, do you?" "No, I don't." " Oh, is that today's paper, is it?" " Yes." "Only that might have the test score in it, you see." " No." " Are you sure?" "Quite." "Only most papers have the test score, do you think I might have a peep." " Just see..." " This is a Spanish newspaper." "Oh absolutamente splendido eh?" "Do you think the Spanish paper might have the test score in it?" " No." " On the sorts page." " No." " Under the bull fighting." "No." "Here in Spain the test score is considered fairly unimportant." "Only it's the fifth test." "Have you been here long then?" "About eight years." "I've been here three days..." "When do you go back then, end of the week?" " I'm sorry?" " Going back on Sunday are you?" "I live here." "I've been here eight years." "Yes, you said." "Yes." "So you live here then do you." "I'm on holiday." "My name's Sydney Lotterby." "Do you have a radio perchance?" " Yes." "You didn't happen to hear the test score this morning did you?" "No I promise I don't know the test score." "Why don't you ask that man over there?" "I'm sure he knows." " No he told me to ask you." " Well I don't know it." " Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure I don't know it." "I swear before God I don't know the test score." "Why should I lie to you about it?" "I'd tell you if I knew it." "DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW THE TEST SCORE?" "There." "Nobody knows it." "Only the last I heard from old Trevor was 187 for 4." "ONLY THE LAST WE HEARD FROM OLD TREVOR WAS 187 FOR 4." "Perhaps if you try that again in Spanish." "LO ULTIMO QUE HEMOS ENTENDIDO DEL OL TREVOR" "ERA CIENTO OCHENTA Y SIETE PARA QUATRO." " No." " There are some Germans over there." "DIE LETZTE DIE WIE HABEN GEHORT AUS OLD TREVOR" "WAR HUNDERT SIEBENUNDACHTZIG FUR FIER." "ATTENTION ATTENTION MESDAMES ET MESSIEURS JE VOUS EMPRIS" "LE PLUS TARD QUE NOUS AVONS ENTENDU DU TREVOR" "ETAIT CENT QUATRE VINGTS SEPT POUR QUATRE." "No." "No, no luck." "Do you think we might try the...?" "Fo yong soo chi Old Trevor tong ha." "Fo yong soo chi tong ha." "What did he say?" "Two hundred and six for five." "Hello film producers." "Good news." "I have managed to get my friend the lovely Ada Thong to come along and perform one of her classical roles for you." "You know, it was called "The Death of Caesar"" "and she wants to show you that she can really act." "Okay?" "Come along Ada." "I'm Ada Thang and I'm about to perform one of my classical roles." "Et tu, Brute!" "Oh, did you really think it was great?" "Well it wasn't Ada Thang at all, it was me all the time, the Lovely Aimi Macdonald you see, and I can dance and I can sing." "Ah, good morning sir, my name is Rogers, can I help you?" "Good morning mister Rogers, I'm interested in buying a hearing aid." "I'm sorry?" "I said I'd like to buy a hearing aid." "Didn't quite catch it." "I want to buy a hearing aid." "Hang on a moment, I'll just switch the radio off." "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" " What?" " What were you saying?" " I'm sorry I can't hear." " What?" " Radio, too loud." "Oh yes, it's better now, isn't it?" "Sorry, I couldn't hear anything you said before." " Pardon?" " I said I couldn't hear..." "Hang on a moment, look I think there must be something wrong..." "I think I've got my hearing aid switched off." "Ah, yes, that's it." "Yes." "Right." "I'm sorry, but I've only had it a few days." "Right, it's on now." " Is it good?" " About fourteen guineas." " Yes, but is it good?" " No, it fits in the pocket there." " Can you hear me?" " What?" "CAN..." "YOU..." "HEAR..." "ME." "Oh." "Contact lenses." "You want contact lenses." "I'll get doctor Waring then." "He does the contact lenses." "I only do the hearing aids." "Well I wanted to buy a hearing aid..." "Ah good morning, you want some contact lenses?" "What?" "You wanted some contact lenses?" "I can't hear what you're saying doctor Waring." "You want a hearing aid, not contact lenses!" "No, no, no, I'm the one who wants the hearing aid." " Who said that?" " What?" "I think there's someone else here." " Really?" " Yes, there's someone else..." "Yes, it's me." "Here." "Here, here." "Ah, oh then you're the gentleman that wanted the contact lenses." "No, no I want a hearing aid." "Ah well, mister Rogers will see to you." "Mister Rogers, someone to see you." "Good." "He'll be here in a moment." "Now sir if you'll just come this way, we'll see about your lenses?" "What?" "We'll see about your lenses, if you'll just come this way." "I don't understand doctor Waring." "Well why didn't you say you were Rogers?" "What?" "You know my lenses play me up sometimes." "Now I'm sorry about the confusion." "Now sir, you wanted some contact lenses?" "No no no no no, I wanted a hearing aid." "Oh well mister Rogers will see to you and I'll deal with this gentleman." "Now, if you'll just come this way sir." "Lovely morning isn't it..." "Now mister..." "NOW MISTER ROGERS, I WANT A HEARING AID." " What?" " Hello!" "I'm sorry, I'm worried about doctor Waring." "I think he thinks he's with someone." " Hello!" "Well had you better go and tell him?" "No no, I'd better go and tell him." " Hello!" " Hello doctor Waring!" "Oh, there you are." "I thought I'd lost you." "Doctor Waring, you're not with anyone." " Well, who's that speaking to me." " What?" "Don't be silly." "Sit down here." "Well, why didn't you say you were Rogers?" "It's about a quarter past four." "Now you must be the gentleman who wanted the contact lenses?" "No no no no no no, I want a hearing aid!" "Oh so you must want the man who wants the contact lenses." "No no, I want a hearing aid!" "Mister Rogers, these two gentlemen want contact lenses." " What?" " No hearing aids, hearing aids." "I'm sorry, I can't hear." "There's something wrong with my hearing aid." "Hang on, I'll give it a bang." "Ow, ow!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah that's better." "Oh wait a moment!" "I've knocked me contact lenses out." "Hang on!" "Hang on!" "Don't move anyone!" "Don't move!" "I'll find them!" "I've come to complain about my contact lenses." "What?" "I've come to complain about my contact lenses." "They're terrible." "They've ruined my eyesight." "But I haven't given you any." " You're a liar." " What?" "Ha, ha, you're a liar, you swindler, you money grubbing quack." "Don't you speak to me like that." "I'll speak to you just how I like." "Ah, fisticuffs!" " What?" " Fisticuffs, eh?" " Well if you want it that way..." " Take that!" " Ah, missed, ha ha ha." " Had enough eh?" " Too quick for you." " Well take that!" "Break my shop up would you." "Got you!" "Help, help I'm being attacked!" "Help me doctor Waring." "It's all right Rogers, I've got him." "Quick quick grab his arms, I've got him round the middle." "I can't, he's got me round the waist." "Attack doctor Waring, would you?" " Let's throw him out." " Right." "One, two, Three!" "You should see them when they've had a couple of drinks." "And now, I'd like to sing you my latest record." " Not now!" " Oh!"