"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Billy and his teacher are trying to have a relationship, but try as they may, they're never alone, which they find very trying." "The aliens tried to beam back alien Burt, but they couldn't because he jammed his beamer." "Meanwhile, real Burt was trying to convince Mary he was on a spaceship when he disappeared, right before her eyes." "The aliens told real Burt he has one try to get alien Burt to return, and if he can't, he'll have to stay forever, so he'd better try hard." "Confused?" "You won't be, after this episode of Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap." "I don't believe it." "It's absolutely delicious." "Who would've thought that a convict could cook like this?" "Now, Billy, just because one has been a murderer doesn't mean one can't have a hobby." "I'm really impressed with Dutch, Eunice." "This is incredible." "I'll have seconds." "Oh, good." "Dutch!" "Seconds for everyone." "Coming right up." "Looks like you've cooked for 400." "Three hundred and sixty, actually." "Cellblock 8 held 360." "You mean, you were actually cooking for 360 people?" "There you go." "It's the only way I know how." "Listen, when you've got a recipe that calls for 20 pounds of garlic, it's a little hard to break it down for six." "This is ridiculous." "He's cooking for 360 people." "I'm out of a job, and he's in there cooking for 360 people." "This stuff freezes up like a dream." "Well, we just spent Billy's entire college tuition on Hungarian goulash." "Oh, I don't think we have to worry about Billy's education, Daddy." "Cute, Eunice." "Nice to see you home, eating with your man for a change." "Touché." "Am I missing something?" "Yes... a husband." "Hi, love." "Hi, Aunt Mary." "Oh, Mary." "Mary." "Mary, darling, you're just in time for dinner." "Hey, Aunt Mary." "Why don't you sit here, Aunt Mary." "Darling, Dutch cooked dinner for everyone tonight." ""Everyone" is right." "Yeah, go ahead, Aunt Mary." "There's plenty." "Rhode Island couldn't make it, so there's a little left over." "[LAUGHING]" "He's a funny guy." "I'll go get Aunt Mary some silverware." "So, Mary, what did you do today?" "Whoosh." "Washed." "You washed?" "I, uh, oh..." "He just... pah!" "[GASPS]" "Must be code." "Put her under hot lights and give me a few minutes with her, and she'll crack." "Daddy, Daddy." "Mary, darling, start very slowly, and start from the beginning." "He called, so I went when he said, but I didn't talk till I saw, even though he was there, because he said not, so I didn't, and there was a soda, and he sat," "and all of sudden..." "I was, and he not." "Whoosh, nothing." "Gone." "I'll get the lights." "He said he could, but I didn't think..." "No one thought." "Who thought?" "We all didn't." "He said he could, and he did." "I saw." "And all this happened today." "Yes, when I wasn't here." "Now, I am." "He not." "Jessica, what is she talking about?" "Now, Mary, I am your sister, and you can tell me." "You'll laugh." "No." "No, I won't." "Chester." "Chester will laugh." "Chester always laughs." "Oh, that's very nice, Mary." "Aunt Mary, we would never make fun of or belittle you." "We're your family, Aunt Mary." "We love you." "So go ahead." "We promise." "We won't laugh at you." "Burt made himself disappear." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Now, stop that." "St..." "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves." "Now..." "Mary has come to us with a problem, and we love her." "We should help her with her problem." "No, it's all right." "It's funny." "If something is funny, it's funny." "Actually, it's ridiculous." "To tell you the truth, I'm relieved." "I don't have to worry about being crazy anymore." "I am crazy, and if this is crazy, I can live with it." "Crazy isn't so bad." "I'm talking." "I'm smiling." "[GIGGLING]" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "I am so nervous, Corinne." "It was just a terrible idea to meet Daddy here." "Well, we can't talk to him at home and risk Mother hearing." "Besides, this is the scene of the crime." "It gives it a nice touch." "You know, I'm not at all sure that it was Daddy." "Oh, please, Eunice." "The man has got more women in his life than a gynecologist." "You know, Corinne, since Tim cut off your supply, you may have become a little obsessed with sex." "I'm obsessed?" "With all the noise coming from your room, you could be scrimmaging with the Pittsburgh Steelers." "Oh, God." "Here he comes." "See?" "Same guy as before." "Hi, Daddy." "What a treat." "Lunch with my little girls." "Hello, Claude." "Good afternoon, Mr. Tate." "Would you like a drink, girls?" "White wine, please." "Me too." "The usual, Claude." "I think you could use a double." "These are my daughters, Claude." "Of course." "Right." "So how are my little girls?" "Just fine, Daddy." "Not bad." "Well, what did you want to talk to me about?" "We saw you the other day." "Well, you see me every day." "We saw you here, with a woman." "Here?" "Here." "Wasn't me." "I didn't think so." "Eunice." "Daddy, it was a man who looked very much like you." "Well, it was probably Cary Grant." "Oh, Daddy!" "How could you do this to her again?" "Do what to who?" "Cheat on Mother." "All this running around behind her back." "If you don't stop it, we'll have to tell her." "Tell her that you saw a man who looks like me?" "[LAUGHS]" "I'm serious." "Well, so am I, Corinne." "I was not here yesterday." "It wasn't yesterday." "It was two days ago." "Two days ago." "Oh, well, why didn't you say so?" "Of course, I was here two days ago." "I was with the executive secretary to the president of a very large investment corporation." "I was getting job information." "I'll bet that's not all you were getting." "You know it's not that easy, Corinne." "Why?" "Are they getting choosy?" "Corinne." "I've got a record, Corinne." "It's hard to get anything with a record." "Well, it depends on what you're trying to get." "May I get poison ivy, chicken pox, and a terrible case of the hives, and have no hands to scratch with, if ever I thought of touching her." "See?" "I'm gonna go to the ladies' room." "Order me the spinach salad, okay?" "I don't want to break Little Miss Muffet's heart, but if you don't get smart and stop running around trying to see what you can get," "I'll tell Mother, and you'll get it so bad that you'll never get it again." "Got it?" "Mm-hmm." "Thanks a lot, Mom." "Yeah." "All right." "Go back to bed." "Yeah, sorry to bother you." "All right, bye." "No, no, it's okay." "It's nothing serious, just a little colic, that's all, hmm?" "And you were so worried." "There..." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "It's 3 a.m." "Who is this?" "Hi, it's me." "Come on." "Burt." "Jodie." "Burt." "Jodie." "Burt." "Jodie, Jodie." "Burt." "Jodie." "Are we alone?" "Burt." "Burt, how'd you get here so fast?" "Oh, they... pfft... what?" "It was a false alarm." "It was just a little colic." "You didn't have to come." "What's that?" "What's what?" "That what, there." "Something's on the baby?" "Not on the baby." "The baby." "Whose baby is that?" "That's my daughter, Wendy." "I mean, you met her just the other day." "Your daughter, huh?" "My granddaughter." "It's..." "That's..." "She's a..." "That's a..." "It's my granddaughter?" "Look at her." "She's gorgeous." "Look, I love her." "Hey, Wendy." "Wendy, after my great uncle Wendell." "Hi, Wendy, it's Grandpa." "[SPUTTERS]" "Are you all right?" "Terrific, what, are you kidding me?" "Well, what are you doing here?" "No reason." "No reason." "I lost my keys." "Could I stay over tonight?" "Did you and Mom have a fight?" "No, no." "No fight, nothing like that." "It's just..." "I'm just..." "Can I stay or not?" "Is Mom okay?" "Mom's fine." "Mom's great." "Please, it's just not a good idea for me to go home right now, because if I do, they'll be a big hassle fighting over the bathroom." "Not to mention the bed." "[GRUMBLES]" "So come on." "Just let me stay over here tonight, and tomorrow morning, we'll all get together," "I'll tell you everything, and we'll have a big laugh." "Ha, ha, ha, ha." "I'm calling Mom." "Don't call her, for God's sake." "It's 3:00 in the morning." "She'll be cranky all day." "Just so she knows where you are." "She knows where I am, but I can't tell her she's wrong, and don't you tell her anything." "She knows you're here?" "She knows I'm there." "And are you?" "Yes." "And you're here, right?" "I'm not there, right?" "I'm calling an ambulance." "Wait a minute, Jodie, please, come on." "Just let me stay tonight." "If there's something wrong, I want to know about it." "No, come on, just don't..." "Okay, you should call." "Here, I will dial for you." "Here, go ahead." "You talk to your mom, and while you're at it, ask her to put me on." "Burt." "Please..." "And don't you tell her I'm here." "This is the most ridiculous thing..." "Hello." "Hi, Burt." "Could you say that again?" "[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]" "That was you." "That was really you." "Right." "I don't understand." "I'll tell you all about it." "I'll get a couple of beers." "Get a case." "It's gonna take a little while." "All right." "Is that just for one night?" "Yes, just the night." "Is it night already?" "Boy, am I tired." "[YAWNS]" "Driving at night, that can be murder." "I'm just gonna hop into the old shower, and then hop into the old sack." "So you want a single bed." "No, not really." "True, I only want one bed, but I want it large enough for all my luggage." "Name?" "Tate..." "Jones." "Pick one." "Jones." "Yup, that's me." "Tate Jones from Idaho." ""Tater" for short." "Old Tater Jones." "Tater?" "I had large eyes as a child." "And where is Mrs. Jones?" "You mean my mother?" "Wife." "My wife." "She's..." "In the car?" "In the car, right." "She's in the car." "She loves that car." "It was a wedding gift." "And your luggage?" "My luggage." "My luggage is, um..." "At the airport." "Right again, at the airport." "Darn airlines lost the luggage." "I thought you said you drove all night." "Absolutely, that's correct." "And they still managed to lose it." "Well, I'm pretty bushed." "I think I'll turn in." "I'll be in the bar." "Let me know when my room is ready." "Good luck." "Over here." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Puzzled." "Why did you want to meet here?" "I got us a room." "A room, why?" "Because they could arrest us in the lobby." "[LAUGHING]" "Why are you laughing?" "You actually got us a room." "You're absolutely adorable." "Adorable?" "I'm adorable?" "I don't wanna be adorable." "A bunny is adorable." "Billy, we can't do that." "I know." "Why not?" "Well, first of all, I'm your teacher, and I'm still having trouble dealing with that." "Second, even if I wasn't your teacher, it wouldn't be in a hotel." "When it happens, it'll happen at our own pace." "It's a mistake this way." "Do you see?" "Yeah." "It's just... when I told you that I've never been with a divorced woman before," "I lied." "You did?" "The truth is, I've never been." "Ever..." "And I thought, well, this is what you do." "You're so sweet." "Sweet and adorable?" "Any minute, I'll turn into a cocker spaniel." "And when and if it happens, we'll be ready for it, and it won't be in some hotel." "I agree." "What about Mexico?" "What about a movie?" "Fine." "Let's go." "Billy." "Eunice." "Well." "Well, well." "Hello." "Hi." "So, what are you..." "What are you..." "The auction?" "What auction?" "You mean, we missed the entire auction?" "I don't know." "There may be an auction." "Oh, damn." "Well, Eric, as long as we're here, why don't we just stay for a drink?" "Oh, Eric, this is Billy, my little brother." "Billy, this is Eric." "He's my, uh, auctioneer." "I see." "Well, so long." "Billy, you never told me what you were doing here." "You're not the only one who goes to auctions, Eunice." "I see." "Well, have a good time, kids." "I'm sorry I didn't introduce you." "I understand." "That was your sister, I take it?" "Yeah, one of them." "And here comes the other one." "Billy." "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "This and that." "Ah." "Billy, this is..." "This is Joe." "We dated in high school." "Hi, this is Leslie." "We also date in high school." "Isn't she one of your...?" "Goodbye, Corinne." "Uh-huh, okay." "Ta." "Let's get outta here." "Okay." "[GASPS]" "Sit down!" "What?" "Sit down." "Hey, Dutch, how are you?" "What are you doing here?" "Speed reading course in room 302." "Dutch, this is Evelyn Wood." "Evie, Dutch." "Dutch, Evie." "You seen Eunice?" "Eunice who?" "I followed her in here." "You see her?" "Dutch, I've got to be honest with you." "No." "No, I didn't." "Well, we'd better be running along." "But she's here." "I followed her." "Okay, Dutch." "I didn't want to say it, but you've forced me." "Eunice is reserving a banquet hall for your wedding shower." "It was going to be a surprise." "Men don't have showers." "Women have showers." "I said it was a surprise, Dutch." "Anyway, don't tell anyone I told you, all right?" "I'd better get out of here before she sees me." "Or vice versa." "You're damn right." "Well, do you want to go to my house?" "Apparently, no one's there." "I love you." "You do?" "You're so cute and funny." "Oh, good." "Sweet, adorable, cute and funny." "You're in a hotel lobby with Kermit the Frog." "Now, how about that movie?" "In a second." "[WHISTLE BLOWS]" "MAN:" "Hey, Burt!" "What?" "What do you got for lunch?" "I got ham and cheese and loaf meat." "Meatloaf." "Meatloaf." "Wanna trade your meatloaf for salmon?" "I hate salmon." "My fingers smell all day." "Don't get startled." "What?" "I don't want you getting startled this high up, but it's me." "I know." "I've been expecting you, Burt." "It's..." "Easy, now." "Sit down." "Just sit." "You want some?" "Ham and cheese, meatloaf?" "Meatloaf." "Mary makes a great meatloaf." "Puts an egg in it." "I like the pot roast." "That's incredible." "You look just like me." "Yeah, well, it wouldn't work if I looked like me." "Who's going to give a little silver contractor a shopping center to build?" "Listen, I want to talk to you." "Yeah?" "Will you please let them beam you back?" "No." "Come on." "I love my wife." "I don't blame you." "She's a wonderful woman." "Hey, hey, hey." "This is my life." "You know what you're asking me to give up here?" "Huh?" "Women, frozen Snickers, Monday night football, pizza, women, malts, women..." "But it's my life." "I made it, I worked for it, and I love Mary." "You don't love Mary." "Love, what love?" "Eventually you're gonna die." "Then where's love?" "Pfft." "Nothing." "Up there, Burt, you can live forever." "Without Mary, I don't want to live." "Now you know how I feel about Snickers." "You're stealing my life, you know that?" "This is theft." "What theft?" "What theft?" "What, do you think I saw you and said," ""Hey, look at this guy." "He's got a great life." "I think I'll take it."" "No, I want to make a trade here, trade." "I don't wanna trade." "Then I take." "Wait a minute, here." "Wait." "You don't understand." "You don't know what it's like here." "But you see, you spend most of your life here struggling to make money, to get along with people, to fall in love and make it good, to give your kids the best you can, and years go by while you do this, pally," "years..." "Then one day, you wake up and realize, whoa." "I've arrived." "Business is good." "My wife and I still love each other." "The kids are alive and not on drugs." "Now, you can enjoy it all." "No more struggle." "Except then, you realize you haven't got a lot of time." "Well, now, I've been through the struggle, and I don't know how much time I got left, but I do know one thing..." "I didn't come this far to give up." "Now, give me back my life." "I'm entitled." "You're making me feel bad." "You should feel bad." "We don't know about bad." "We don't feel bad up there... but unfortunately, when they gave me your body, those little morons gave me your conscience." "Good." "I'm glad." "Phew, you've got some conscience." "It's one of my best qualities." "That and my smile." "So?" "Let me think about it for a few years." "A few years?" "Or how about one more night?" "I just want to say goodbye." "Now." "Now?" "What, not even a quick cheeseburger?" "Now, kiddo, now." "You know, that's why you people don't live long." "Always rushing, rushing, ru..." "All right, okay." "Okay, all right." "Hey, Burt." "Did you hear the one about the..." "Burt?" "[MAN SCREAMS]" "Oh!" "[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]" "That was some dive." "Did you see the way he changed direction?" "Guess he thought flapping his arms would help." "[LAUGHS]" "Good thing there's a lake in front of this building." "Good thing he missed the boat in the lake in front of this building." "So, what are you waiting for?" "New Year's?" "Hey." "All right, all right, all right." "Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush." "All right." "I'm ready." "Listen... thanks for everything, and I really had a wonderful time." "Give Mary a kiss for me, and your blue suit..." "It's in the cleaner's." "Bye, Burt." "Bye, Burt." "[BUZZ]" "Bye, Burt." "Now..." "Now I can go home." "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that alien Burt has left for good, will real Burt be able to convince Mary she was living with alien Burt?" "Is Eunice convinced Chester isn't fooling around?" "Is Corinne convinced he is?" "Has Corinne convinced him he'd better stop?" "Is he convinced?" "Does Dutch really believe" "Eunice is planning a surprise shower for him, or is Eunice really in for a surprise?" "Will Billy and his teacher ever be alone long enough to have an affair?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"