"IGNACIO:" "Previously on Ugly Betty... ln 2 4 hours, we will have proof if Bradford Meade is your daddy." "LAWYER:" "It's your mother's beloved dog, Halston." "BETTY:" "Partial retrograde amnesia?" "The last thing Alexis remembers is Mom's birthday party two years ago." "With Alexis still in the hospital, I want to postpone the wedding." "Your father was a hero." "l'll bet you're just like him." "No." "I'm not." "It looks like we'll need an intern around the office for the next couple of weeks before school starts." "Oh, my God!" "And my dad's still stuck in Mexico." "IGNACIO:" "I killed Ramiro Vasquez." "Ignacio Suarez?" "Let me tell you something about this baby of yours." "Christina told me about Charlie." "That she cheated on me." "Charlie was the only reason we couldn't be together." "I wanna be with you, Betty." "Henry, you're drunk!" "And you're beautiful!" "Henry, stop." "Look, this is not how I ever pictured us being together." "You're drunk off of wine coolers." "Melon and apricot?" "It's gross." "You're right." "I'm a terrible person." "I had a cigarette, too." "Why didn't you tell me about Charlie and that dentist?" "Look, I wanted to. I just started thinking that maybe it wasn't the right thing to do." "Henry, there is a baby involved." "Which might not be mine!" "But maybe it is." "And I... I can't get my heart broken again." "It's like the whole world is telling us we shouldn't be together." "We're like melon and apricot!" "Look, I do want to be with you." "I do. lt's..." "It's just we don't know whose baby it is." "And we just have to wait." "And I can do that." "If you can." "(SNORlNG )" "daniel:" "Wow." "AMANDA:" "Yeah." "That's it." "Those are the DNA results." "So," "how many times do you think we..." "A lot." "But just remember, if your dad's DNA does match mine, we're only half brother and sister, which means if we did it, like, 20 times," "it was only wrong 1 0." "Okay, that actually made sense to me." "You are so my sister." "Oh, my God, I can't take it anymore." "(EX claims )" "Bradford's not my father!" "You're not my sister!" "Kissing isn't weird at all!" "lt's great, we're not related." "We can kiss all we want!" "Right?" "Yeah, we can totally do this!" "Nothing taboo here!" "You know what, why don't we..." "Daniel." "No. I have unresolved issues with you." "So just squeeze a boob, because I have to go." "Oh, my God, this is so humiliating." "I've never done this before." "Try this." "It's tomato juice, raw egg and a little bacon grease." "Trick I learned in high school." "Hangover gone by third period." "Tastes as good as it sounds." "Sorry we didn't take your shoes off before you went to bed last night, but we could not untie those double knots." "I worry about tripping." "So, you must be dying to call that bitch." "Charlie?" "Honestly, I'm afraid to." "I don't know what I'm going to do when I hear her voice." "l've never been this mad." "This is you mad?" "Yeah." "I feel like a female orangutan when she's in estrus and a non-dominant male tries to mount her." "She just bares her fangs and attacks blindly." "That story would be more effective if you compared yourself to the male orangutan." "And if I knew what estrus was." "Are you hungry?" "I'm glad you're not mad at me for spilling the beans." "He had to find out somehow, right?" "Yeah." "So what you gonna do now?" "I don't know." "Wait." "Try not to think about it." "Which is easy, because I have so much to do for this benefit tonight." "Oh, please." "Don't talk to me about the Black and White Ball." "I have been gluing crap onto these things for two weeks." "Glitter came out in my pee yesterday." "Yeah, but it's all for charity." "And it's Daniel's favorite event of the year." "He gets to go up on stage and present that" "giant check thingy." "Yeah." "Men get excited about things like that, don't they?" "(BELL ringing )" "Oh, yay, the sandwich guy!" "I got too excited, right?" "Maybe." "Okay, chicken and cheese special on a baguette." "No chicken, no cheese, no baguette." "I just sold her a plate of lettuce for seven bucks." "Yes, but that's her breakfast, lunch and dinner, so really it's a bargain." "Could I please get the turkey, sun-dried tomato on a baguette, please?" "Yes!" "Man, I knew you were an eater!" "Oh, thank you. I guess." "So you're new." "What happened to Robert?" "You know, I think he inherited money." "Or was arrested." "I don't know." "There was a lawyer and cash involved." "Well, welcome." "Hey, Betty, can you get me this for the benefit tonight?" "Okay." "Yes, thank you." "Daniel!" "The iBOT motorized wheelchair?" "I thought you were supposed to be walking by today." "No, I still need therapy." "I'm still in a lot of pain, Betty." "Look, I know that you feel really bad about this whole Alexis thing, but do you think maybe your pain could be more emotional than physical?" "My leg isn't crying, Betty, it's hurting." "Just get me the wheelchair, okay?" "Okay. I'll just add it to my list." "Oh, and about the check." "Can you make sure the check is big, but not so big it makes my head look small?" "Okay." "And it should be blue." "Or green." "Blue." "Got it." "See, 'cause last year it was beige, and in all the photos, I was kinda washed out." "Whatever you need." "(PHONE rings )" "Daniel Meade's office." "Fashion gives back!" "Once again, it's the Mode Black and White Ball benefiting New York Children's Hospital." "Yes, the clothes will be fabulous and the kids will be sick!" "Unfortunately, this year," "Claire Meade will not be able to fulfill her usual hostess duties as she is on the lam, which, I understand, is what Mario Batali is serving as the main course!" "But in the spirit of "black and white," the ball will be presided over by Bradford Meade and fiancée Wilhelmina Slater." "Or should I say ex-fiancée?" "Since apparently the wedding has been postponed." "Trouble in paradise?" "Turn it off!" "This is so humiliating." "My closest friends in the world will be there tonight." "Can you imagine how happy this is gonna make them?" "It's just a temporary setback." "You'll still have the wedding in a few months." "If Bradford thinks he loves you now, he'll think he loves you then." "The longer we wait, the more time Bradford's spawn will have to talk him out of it." "I'm done, Marc. lt's over." "You listen to me, lady." "The Wilhelmina Slater l know, and occasionally wish I was, does not throw in the towel just because the old man she's scamming has suddenly gone all soft for his tramnesiac daughter." "You're touching me." "lt was a risk." "I just didn't count on the father-daughter re-bonding." "I hate that love won out." "Well, maybe someone should remind Daddy's little girl that she hates Daddy and that she's spent the last two years trying to bring him down." "Wait a minute." "(EX claims )" "Oh!" "Did I say something smart?" "I love it when I do that!" "How are you at Photoshop?" "Amazing." "I'm about to rewrite history." "This sure beats a forty ounce." "The wedding's postponed." "Do you know what this means?" "Wilhelmina is losing her grip on Bradford." "Why do we gotta talk about him during family time?" "I made this rum punch out of pomegranate," "there ain't no more guava." "Yoga, please." "If I'm ever going to get him back, it's now." "I've got to go to that ball tonight." "I've got to talk to him." "You're a wanted felon." "Cinderella can't go to no ball." "She can if it's a masked ball." "Oh, hey. I'm glad you're still here." "There's just a little problem with my sandwich." "Oh, man, is there a hair?" "I'm, like, the only one left in my family with a full head." "No, it's just that there are only three sun-dried tomatoes." "Yeah, yeah, I know. I made it." "Oh, okay." "It's just that Robert would always put more, so..." "Sorry. I don't know where Robert is, I'm not his keeper." "Okay?" "But Robert didn't know jack about food." "Sun-dried tomato is a concentrated flavor." "More than three on a sandwich would overwhelm the smoky flavor of the turkey." "Okay, you know what?" "I think my turkey can handle it." "So, could I just please have some more sun-dried tomatoes?" "Nah. it would be wrong." "I want my sandwich the way I want my sandwich!" "Wow." "(CHUCKLES )" "You know, when I first saw you, I thought, "Wow, there goes a girl from the neighborhood." ""What is she doing here?"" "Now I see you're just like all the other spoiled Mode girls." "No!" "No, I'm not!" "You know, I bet before you got here, you didn't even know what a sun-dried tomato was." "You just reached into the cart and pulled out whatever had the most cheese." "I..." "I still eat cheese!" "I mean, how dare he act like he knows who I am?" "And why do I even have to explain myself?" "Okay, Betty." "Not really sure why you're so upset." "Sun-dried tomatoes?" "Really?" "I mean, don't you find them kind of salty" "and breathy?" "No!" "It's not just that, it's..." "He was so rude to me!" "Betty, you need to calm down, okay?" "Go online to that website you like." "You know, one where the baby ducks who think the cat's their mother..." "I love that website." "Except one of the baby ducks is missing." "All right, what is this guy's name?" "I don't know." "Something lame, like "Gio."" "( YELLIN G IN SPANISH)" "Hey, Papi!" "Have you been watching?" "Señor Delgado's in a lot of trouble." "Do you think they're going to kill him?" "Let's hope not." "Hey, did you book your flight yet?" "Not yet." "I just wanted to call and say" "l love you all." "You're such a nervous flyer." "It's going to be fine." "Oh, it's getting good." "Okay, I'll talk to you later, love you, bye." "You see?" "I'm not such a monster." "l let you say goodbye." "At least tell me what you want." "Who are you?" "I think you know my father." "Ramiro Vasquez?" "It seems you did not kill me after all." "No, Friday doesn't really help me." "I really need to get the wheelchair here tonight." "Well, this thing can walk and talk." "Can't you just stick it on the turnpike and give it money for tolls?" "Thank you." "Okay, so you don't get sarcasm." "Could you please just hold it for me?" "And I promise I will find a way to..." "Well, you must be happy." "I'll call you back." "Why?" "l just got fired because you went crying to your boss." "Now I don't have a job." "Oh, man, I'm gonna have to go back to stealing cable from my neighbor which I don't feel right about, all because some little Mode girl wasn't happy with her sandwich." "No!" "Look, I wasn't trying to get you fired," "l was just..." "Yeah, well, nonetheless, you did." "All right, everybody, that's it for me!" "But before I go, there is no such thing as fat-free mayo." "(BOTH GASP)" "There's 1 25 calories of pure fat per tablespoon." "And I put two in every sandwich." "(ALL RETCHlNG )" "See you around," "Mode girl." "MARC:" "Nice, Betty." "You're finally one of us." "(GASPS )" "No!" "No, I'm not one of you!" "WO MAN ON P.A.:" "All heath care coordinators to third floor reception." "Wilhelmina, you didn't have to go to this much trouble." "Well, someone's got to teach you how to be a woman again." "It's so frustrating." "It's like I finally got the sports car l always wanted, but I forgot how to drive a stick." "Well, maybe in this case, it's more like an automatic." "Don't worry, you're not going through this alone." "I am here." "That's what best friends are for." "It's so crazy, I can't remember our friendship." "Well, that's why I brought this." "All right, all right, girls, come on, off, off." "She's a tranny, not a drag queen." "Let's go." "Okay." "WO MAN ON P.A.:" "Dr. Fishman to radiology." "I have pictures of all kinds of fun the two of us had the past year." "Maybe it'll jog your memory." "(BOTH laughing )" "Oh, here we are at Fashion Week." "And that's my birthday." "You made me drink something called an Irish Car Bomb." "I had a hangover for the first time in 20 years." "Thank you very much." "Sorry, I guess a bit of Alex must've slipped in there." "Oh!" "We square dance?" "Wow, I don't remember any of this." "Apparently we love to do-si-do." "And here, we are marching for gay rights!" "So, are we..." "No, no, just political." "I really have to go." "I need to check on your father." "l hope he's gotten out of bed today." "What's wrong?" "is he sick?" "No, no, no, it's... lt's nothing." "Just forget I said anything." "Besides, Bradford would kill me." "Wilhelmina, you have to tell me." "I mean, we're friends, right?" "Best friends." "God, I have missed talking to you." "Look... I'm really worried about your father." "He's been devastated since he postponed his wedding." "What?" "He's getting married again?" "To who?" "To your best friend." "I'm actually kinda bummed Mr. Meade's not my father." "I mean, he is rich and bald." "(GASPS ) Your Daddy Warbucks fantasy." "I don't know why that's so strong." "Okay, can we forget about your father and focus on your mother, and what being Fey Sommers' daughter can get us?" "And by "us," l mean you." "And by "you," l mean me." "Think about it, the invites, the swag." "(EX claims )" "You are right." "I am freakin' Fey Sommers' daughter!" "And, genius idea!" "Your coming-out party is tonight at the Black and White Ball!" "lt is?" "lt's perfect." "This was Fey's big event." "Every year, she would arrive in some fabulous red gown and utter her famous lines," ""Black and White Ball?" ""l guess I didn't get the memo."" "l can totally do that." "And when you arrive, holding her ugly mutt, there will be a media feeding frenzy." "And I will be right there, to feast on whatever scraps are left after they're done with your carcass." "(sighs )" "Nope, too angry." "Calm down, Henry." "( ANIMAL NOISES)" "Hey, Grubstink!" "Grubstink!" "We need our checks early." "Yeah." "Gotta buy me a red dress, Grubstank." "It's Grubstick!" "Grubstick!" "Got it?" "It's one of the oldest and most honored names in Dutch history, which loosely translates to, "He who gives the fairest price for his bricks."" "The name is venerated!" "And I am proud to be a Grubstick!" "Did he just get really hot?" "I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life." "Charlie, this is Henry." "Call me as soon as you get this." "We need to talk." "Hey, Justin." "How are you doing?" "Okay." "Been having kind of a tough time, lately, huh?" "I guess." "Do you know how to play basketball?" "Sure." "Back at Harvard, they used to call me "Dr. Swish."" "It's just a basketball term." "Why do you ask?" "l want to learn how to play." "Really?" "Basketball?" "My dad loved it." "This was his." "Come on." "Let's go shoot some hoops." "Wait!" "Sandwich guy!" "Oh, man." "Gio!" "Look, I'm sorry about what happened today." "But I just finished talking to your boss and you can have your job back." "Wow." "That was..." "That was nice of you." "See?" "I'm not a Mode girl." "A Mode girl wouldn't have done that." "Yeah, I guess not." "But that's okay." "l don't want it back." "Why?" "Because losing that job was exactly the kick in the butt I needed." "It was taking me away from my five-year plan." "What's happening in five years?" "To start my own place." "You know? "Gio's Sandwich Depot."" "Three hundred seats, a thousand kinds of sandwiches, and the world's longest condiment bar." "You name it, it's on there." "Go ahead, name one." "Mustard?" "Of course, there's gonna be mustard there!" "Come on, use your imagination." "Sorry, you caught me off-guard." ""Gio's" could be huge." "Look, I don't know why, but I still feel kinda guilty about getting you fired." "You don't have a job." "Well, something will turn up." "Hey!" "Wait!" "You have a van." "We need a van." "Would you drive me to New Jersey to pick up a wheelchair?" "We'd pay you." "Sure, I could do that." "Get in." "Sauerkraut?" "Don't embarrass yourself." "My father left my mom for you?" "Oh, this memory loss must be frustrating." "Claire is the one that left your father." "And you were right there to move in." "Well... lt wasn't like that at all." "I was just trying to be there for him, shoulder to lean on, someone to bring him soup and I never could've predicted that we'd fall in love." "But we did." "Well, if he loves you so much, why'd he call off the wedding?" "Because he loves you more." "With the accident and all, he didn't want to upset you." "I just hope his..." "His heart can take it." "Wilhelmina, wait." "That was quite a beating you gave me all those years ago." "As I remember, it was to protect Rosa from one of your beatings." "She was my wife!" "I had the right." "Get your feet down, you animal!" "My cook ran away with my wife." "You humiliated me." "The only thing that kept me going through the years was the hope that maybe one day," "I could have my revenge." "It seems that day has come." "So you want me dead?" "Perhaps." "But right now, I want my flan." "Your flan?" "Your best dessert." "Sometimes I wake up and I miss my wife, sometimes I miss my flan." "You're insane." "No, just hungry." "You'll make your flan, maybe I spare your life." "Now, basketball is all in the wrist, Justin." "Remember that." "All right, you can do this." "Let's shoot!" "But you're dribbling with one hand, right?" "Not two." "Okay." "All right?" "So you wanna step off with your left, bounce it in with your right, okay?" "All right!" "One hand." "(SHRlEKS )" "Okay!" "Let's try again." "Maybe, lose the bracelets. I don't know." "Come on, Justin." "We can do this." "Just gotta concentrate." "( GE T'CHA HEAD IN THE GAME playing )" "Coach said to fake right, cut left" "Watch out for the pick and keep an eye on defense" "One hand, Justin!" "justin:" "I can't." "Just keep your head in the game" "Just keep your head in the game" "Justin, you have to visualize, okay?" "Line it up, make the shot." "Left foot." "No, no, no." "Here, just watch me!" "Come on, get your head in the game" "You can walk?" "It's a basketball miracle!" "(singing ALONG TO radio)" "Unbreak my heart" "Say you'll love me again" "Take it, Betty!" "(singing OFF KE Y)" "Undo the hurt you caused when you walked... (CLEARS THROAT)" "That's a really hard song to sing." "So, tell me. lf you're not a Mode girl," "then why do you work there?" "lt's a great opportunity." "It's going to open a lot of doors for me." "I want to have a magazine of my own one day." "Oh..." "How do you do that?" "l'm an assistant now." "But then I want to be writing for one." "You're a writer?" "That's cool." "What have you written?" "A lot." "Actually, I practically ran the Queens College newspaper." "But since I've left, the quality has gone way down." "No, I mean lately." "Well, nothing, really." "But I do have a lot of ideas." "Good, keeping it all up there." "That's how Hemingway did it." "He was thinking, "What a nice morning,"" "and The Sun Also Rises just magically appeared on the page." "Are you making fun of me?" "No, no, I'm sorry." "I just..." "You know, I hope you're not one of these people who just waits for things to happen." "No." "I mean, what are you, like, 30 now?" "I'm 23!" "All right, you know what?" "I can take care of myself." "How about you worry about driving?" "Okay?" "(TURNS ON radio)" "(singing ALONG with radio) ...when you walked out the door" "And walked out of my life" "Uncry these tears" "You're faking it to meet girls?" "lt's this one girl." "She's my new physical therapist." "She is just..." "She's so totally smart." "Look..." "We don't have to tell your Aunt Betty, do we?" "She already thinks I'm a total screw-up." "I promise I will have a total recovery next week." "Just as soon as I've had one really smart conversation with her." "Deal?" "You're kind of a dog." "I am." "You remind me of my dad." "Now this machine has to come back in pristine condition, you got it?" "Pristine." "How do I want it back?" "Don't worry, it'll be perfect." "I think he wanted you to say "pristine."" "Pristine." "Now, just one second, this..." "This isn't the iBOT we reserved." "Yeah." "Nick Lachey's people just called." "He twisted his ankle in a gyrotonics class." "Probably didn't stretch." "Anyway, we're giving it to him." "But..." "But..." "My boss wanted the iBOT." "Yeah." "Sad story." "You're getting this one." "(PHONE rings )" "Hello." "But that's not fair." "We reserved the iBOT." "We paid for it." "And he's giving us the..." ""Tulip"?" "Daniel can't ride a Tulip." "Give him a good reason to give it to you." "Come on, you're a writer." "Make up a good story." "SALESMAN:" "We'll deliver it tomorrow." "Excuse me." "Yeah, I'll call you back." "Sir." "Look, I probably shouldn't even be talking about this, but my boss works for the ClA." "Yeah." "And we really need that chair." "How could he have believed that crazy story?" "Because it was good." "Well, I may have borrowed a little of it from Casino Royale," "but I did put my own spin on it." "Hells, yeah, you did." "You know, maybe you are a writer, after all." "Thanks." "Maybe I am." "Wait a minute. ls this real?" "Am I pinning an endangered species here?" "If you really want to feel bad, I have a hat made of bald eagle." "Guess who just called Bradford to her bedside?" "Took her long enough." "Looks like she'll be giving her blessing for this wedding within the hour." "Perfect." "Everything is going according to my plan." "Soft..." "(EX claims ) Hard!" "What was that for?" "Square dancing." "Better than I remember." "Kill him anyway." "This one almost went in." "But I touched something gross on the pole." "Wow, honey, good for you." "So, this basketball thing, this is something you're going to be doing for a little while?" "Yeah. I like it." "And I think I'm getting better." "Yeah, oh..." "Yeah, definitely. I can see that." "(PHONE BEEPS )" "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "I thought Daniel was supposed to be in a wheelchair." "Daniel, it's Betty again." "We got you your chair, but it's almost 7:00, so you're just going to have to meet us here." "And I've got the lint roller, so I'll just go over you when you get here." "(chuckling ) Man..." "What?" "You know, I think I know the reason why you don't write." "You're too busy de-linting your boss's ass." "See, no, I didn't say the "A" word." "And my job doesn't just consist of silly little things like that." "I have some very important responsibilities." "Excuse me, what is that?" "The check isn't supposed to be that big, and we asked for it to be blue!" "How is that going to look next to Daniel's tiny pale head?" "(LAUGHS )" "Stop laughing at me." "And, not that it's any of your business, but I will get back to my writing." "l'm sure you will." "l will." "I just don't have a lot of time right now because I'm going through some huge family problems." "Quack." "Excuse me?" "Every time you make an excuse, I'm gonna quack." "You..." "You have no right to quack." "You don't know my life." "My dad is stuck in Mexico!" "Quack." "No, seriously." "And my sister's fiancé..." "Quack, quack." "Will you just let me finish?" "Quack!" "All excuses." "The problem is, you don't have a plan." "You go through life..." "Woof!" "What the hell's that?" "Well, if you're going to "quack,"" "then I'm going to "woof" every time you mention your stupid plan." "Quack!" "No quacking!" "That wasn't an excuse." "Yeah, well, I changed the rules." "Quack, quack!" "Quack, quack, quack!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Your phone's ringing." "(PHONE ringing )" "Woof!" "Hello?" "Hilda..." "What?" "He can walk?" "What's black and white and rich all over?" "Why, the guests at Mode's Black and White Ball, benefiting the Children's Hospital of blah, blah, blah, like it matters." "Let's talk about what Eva Mendes is wearing!" "Forget Eva Mendes!" "is that Fey Sommers' illegitimate daughter?" "Amanda Tanen?" "Black and White Ball?" "I guess I didn't get the memo." "WOMAN:" "is that Zac Efron?" "MAN:" "Zac!" "Right here!" "Louder." "Black and White Ball?" "I guess I didn't get the memo!" "Hey, it's Fey Sommers' dog." "Hi. I'm Fey Sommers' daughter." "Yeah." "Can I get a water?" "Today." "Yeah, but..." "I didn't get the memo!" "Oh!" "This is so unfair!" "They took pictures of the wrong bitch!" "No, no, no, no, no, no. lt's my fault." "I was naive to think that the press would automatically care." "You've got to work for your celebrity." "Does Paris Hilton have everything handed to her?" "Well, actually she does, but that celebutard works hard to stay in the news." "You are right." "I have to do something outrageous." "Should I do skanky?" "Because I could totally do skanky!" "What if I just go pee on the carpet?" "Oh, sweetie, Courtney Love did that before you got here." "No, it's got to be bigger." "You've got to out-Lohan Lohan!" "Out-Britney Britney!" "There's nothing left." "Yes, there is." "Oh, my God, is that Josh Duhamel?" "Where?" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "(ripping )" "Josh!" "MAN:" "Hey!" "Whoa!" "MAN 2:" "Look at this!" "(PAPARAZZl clamoring )" "Yeah, there you go." "(laughing )" "Michael Bolton, not the good one." "Oh, how are you?" "Nice to meet you." "Bradford Meade, you're engaged to him." "Darling." "Tell me, how's our Alexis doing?" "Everything all right?" "Well, it seems someone told her about us." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't want to, but she's a smart girl, even with some of her brain missing." "It's all right." "She's now completely on board with the wedding." "She is?" "That's wonderful!" "Yeah, I was surprised, too." "She's always been very close to Claire." "As long as you're not close to Claire." "Here." "BRADFORD:" "I'm not wearing that thing." "This is a bad idea, Fish." "I have to see Bradford, it's the only way." "Black and White Ball, huh?" "This looks like an All-White Ball to me." "Come on." "(WHlRRlNG )" "This wheelchair is sexy!" "Not to mention useful for people who can't walk." "I mean, look at this!" "It's so cool." "Sorry." "Sorry." "This is great." "Hey, Daniel, thanks for helping Justin out today." "He's a great kid, you know?" "Yeah!" "It must have been hard playing basketball without your legs." "Sorry." "How'd you manage?" "Yeah..." "No, Justin was really good." "(laughing )" "Betty?" "Betty!" "How do I stop this thing?" "I don't know." "I got it." "I forgot, the doctor called..." "I can walk!" "How could you?" "Betty, I'm sorry." "Come on!" "You know, I wasted my entire day trying to get that stupid thing." "All so you could play grab-ass?" "That's right, that just happened, I said, "Ass."" "I heard you." "Do you have any idea what I could have been doing with that time?" "I could have written a short story." "Or a whole bunch of short stories, depending on how short they were." "Or written in my journal because I'm pretty sure my last entry went something like, "l love Lance Bass." ""l want to marry him."" "l don't know if you've heard..." "Yeah, I know!" "(GUN COCKS )" "Hector, don't do this." "For 30 years, I thought I killed your father." "lt tortured me." "Shut up." "Don't become him." "You're not a monster." "He is the way he is because of you." "That's not true." "Hector, don't you remember?" "You were five years old and Rosa would hide you in the kitchen when your father was drunk." "No, I don't remember." "I'd make you arroz con leche to keep you from crying so he wouldn't hear you and come in and hit you again!" "Stop it!" "Hector." "Rosa cared for you as if you were her own." "But we thought you'd be safe with your mother." "Stop it!" "You weren't, were you?" "Hector, were you?" "And speaking of honoring genius," "I'd also like to take this moment to thank one of the biggest philanthropists in all of fashion, Kenneth Cole." "Thank you, Daniel." "Thank you, everybody." "I am so honored to be here, associated with such a worthy and important cause." "What's this for again?" "New York Children's Hospital." "Right." "Thank you, so much, ladies and gentlemen." "Are you remembering to take your heart medicine?" "Claire?" "Oh, my God, you're all right!" "Where have you been?" "She's been with me, that's where she's been, and she is fine." "We got a life now." "Yoga, really, I'd like something chocolate." "It's not what you think." "Well, almost once." "Claire, this is dangerous." "Someone might see you." "I don't care." "Bradford, come with me." "Walk out that door right now." "Don't do this." "Please, just hear me out." "We can do this." "We can disappear." "We still have those offshore accounts." "There's money to live on." "A fresh start, new names, new lives!" "For God's sake, Claire, listen to yourself." "I know. I sound crazy." "After everything that's happened, how could I not be?" "But, please..." "God, I love you." "And I know you love me." "(audience applauding )" "MARC:" "My God, what that woman will do for an open bar." "Do you want me to call the police?" "Police will just put her back in jail." "I know how to really hurt her." "I suffered through your relationship with Fey for 20 years." "Don't you owe this to me?" "(APPLAUSE)" "And now, accepting our donation to New York Children's Hospital, our very own Sheldon." "Thank you." "The last year has been really hard..." "Isn't that inspirational?" "Friends, I cannot wait another moment to share this with you." "Despite what you may have heard, the Bradford Meade, Wilhelmina Slater wedding is back on!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Bradford, darling, where are you?" "Claire, your life is over." "It ended the day that you murdered Fey. I'm sorry." "Why isn't he dead?" "I can't believe you haven't done this yet." "Kill him." "Hector..." "Kill him." "You're such a disappointment as a son." "Kill him!" "(GUN fires )" "Hey, I brought you this." "There is a bite out of it." "Okay, I didn't bring it for you." "I just thought of it." "The point is," "l'm very sorry, Betty." "Don't be." "I'm your assistant and it's my job to do whatever you ask me to, even if it is slightly offensive to the handi-capable." "I think that my meltdown had a lot more to do with me than you." "l'm sorry." "So, we're good." "That's great." "Daniel, there is more." "Look, I appreciate this job." "But I can't lose track of what I want." "Are you quitting?" "No!" "No, no." "I was just wondering, if you don't need me during lunch," "l'm going to enroll in a writing class." "l think that's great, Betty." "Really?" "Yeah." "Great!" "I'm going to be a writer." "Good." "She's such a slut, I love her." "l know." "God." "The whole office is talking about you!" "I know they always do, but now it's with envy instead of pity and disgust." "And look!" "That's my foot behind that guy!" "(EX claims )" "Come on, you were a hit last night." "I know." "The swag, Melissa Etheridge buying me a domestic beer, appearing nude in the tabloids." "I didn't think I'd have it this together until I was 40." "But last night, when I was standing naked on the red carpet, doing all those poses those guys were shouting out, I really had time to think." "And it hit me." "I'm never going to get to talk to my mother." "She's gone." "And I have no idea who my father is." "lt's like I'm an orphan." "Hey!" "You are not an orphan." "You've got me, and you've got Halston and you've got that creepy guy that saw your picture and called and asked you to step on his junk in your heels." "And that means a lot, but I need something more." "What could be more important than fame?" "Marc, I need to find my father." "If I don't know where l've come from, how am I ever going to know who I am?" ""Tried it your way." "Not terrible." "Gio."" "Betty!" "Hi!" "Hey." "How are you?" "I heard you had some of Hilda's hangover punch." "Yeah, I did. lt kinda worked." "Anyway, listen, I really need to apologize." "No, you don't have to. lt's okay." "It's not okay." "It's shabby and disrespectful." "And I can only say that I will never mix wine coolers and my antihistamine again." "That's probably a good idea." "And I wanted you to know that I talked to Charlie" "and she admitted everything." "Oh!" "Who's the father?" "We're going to do a paternity test." "Unfortunately, we can't do it until her fourteenth week, so I guess it looks like you and I'll just have to sit tight and wait." "Yeah." "Okay." "Then that's what we'll do." "We wait." "Bye." "Hey, do you want to get lunch?" "Oh!" "I can't." "I have something I have to do and it can't wait." "Not that I don't want to, I do." "But I'll tell you all about it later." "Okay." "Okay." "Looks like you got your lunch anyway." "Did someone get you a present?" "No." "That's just how they wrap it." "It's a fancy place." "HlLDA:" "Creative writing?" "I was really nervous about signing up, but then I found my lucky troll pen, and I thought, "Hey, this is a good sign."" "Betty, you're going to nail this!" "I mean, look at the notes you write me, they're always so fun." ""Hilda, have a splendiferous day!"" "(laughing )" "That's imagination now, because I don't think that's even a word." "Anybody here?" "Dad?" "Papi?" "Oh, my God!" "Dad!" "Oh, my God, I can't believe you're home!" "Grandpa!" "We thought you were coming back tomorrow!" "Are you starving?" "You want something to eat?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Right now, this is all I need!" "We missed you." "Yeah."