"It's The Muppet Show. with our special guest star Mr. Harvey Korman!" "(# "The Muppet Show" theme)" "# It's time to play the music" "# It's time to light the lights" "# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight" "# It's time to put on makeup" "# It's time to dress up right" "# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight" "My house is so dirty my dog buries his bones in the living-room carpet." "I don't understand it either." "# To introduce our guest star" "# That's what I'm here to do" "# So it really makes me happy" "# To introduce to you" "Mr. Harvey Korman!" "(drowned out by applause)" "# But now let's get things started on the most sensational, inspirational" "# Celebrational, Muppetational" "# This is what we call" "# The Muppet Show" "(clanging and glass shattering)" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Hello, everybody, and welcome to The Muppet Show." "Hey, we got a great show for you tonight, and our special guest is one of the funniest people in the business, Harvey Korman." "But right now, we'd like to open the show tonight on a high note... (plays high note)" "Well, that's better than opening it with a bang." "(laughs)" " Did somebody say "bang"?" " No!" "Huh!" " Ah, you can't win 'em all." " Huh!" "Can you hold it down up there, please?" "Right now let's get things started with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem." "Yeah, this is Dr. Teeth, and it's time to boogie." "Three, four... (# "Love Ya To Death" by Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem)" "# I'm gonna explode an atom bomb" " # Doo doo skiddley doo - # And blow a hole in your soul" " # Doo doo skiddley bam - # I'm gonna explode an atom bomb" " # Doo doo skiddley doo - # And blow a hole in your soul" "# Doo doo skiddley bam" "# I'm gonna get through to you, baby, before I lose control" "# I'll break down your resistance with every trick in sight" "# I know I'm gonna make you happy, baby" "# I'm gonna light some dynamite" " # Doo doo skiddley doo - # And blow open your heart" " # Doo doo skiddley bam - # I'm gonna light some dynamite" " # Doo doo skiddley bam - # And blow open your heart" "# Doo doo skiddley bam" "# I'm gonna light some dynamite and blast a tunnel to your love" "(all cough)" " That's heavy, man." " I like that." "Well, that was a great number." "I've always liked pantomime." "That wasn't pantomime." "Your hearing aid's busted again." "What?" "Uh, I thought some of you might like to know a little bit more about our drummer, whom we affectionately refer to as Animal." "Animal. (laughs)" "That's his name, actually." "Animal, why don't you tell our audience, how long have you been playing the drums?" "Uh, ah..." "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." " Five." "For five years." " Yeah." "Five." "Yes, OK." "Well, I guess your drums mean a great deal to you, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah." " Yeah." " Mwah." "Oh, nice." "You like them more than food, I guess, huh?" "They are food." "Eat drums, eat cymbals." "How symbolic." " Bad pun." " Yeah." "Listen, I imagine you have a lot of idols." "Oh, yeah, yeah." " Buddy Rich?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." " Gene Krupa?" " Yeah, Krupa, Krupa." " Tony Checkers?" " To..." "Huh?" "He's our new drummer." "He begins next week." "(roars)" " Oh!" " (roars)" "Then again, maybe not." "(doorbell)" " My insides are killing me." " Oh, ulcers?" "No." "Movers." "Ladies and gentlemen, we present now what is considered to be the most dangerous animal act in the entire world." "The incomparable Harvey Korman, better known as Maurice the Magnificent!" "(# fanfare)" "Hyah!" "Thank you." "Now, please, shh!" "Shh!" "You must keep quiet." "You don't know, but the thing goes berserk when it hears loud noises." "(imitates animal growling)" "I hate this." "But let's get it over with." " Open the cage!" " (drum roll)" "It looks particularly vicious this evening." "What a horrible animal." "Well, I must ask you - this is very important - when it comes out, don't anyone scream." "It'll tear us all to ribbons if anyone screams." "Shh!" "All right." "Out." "Out, you demon!" "Out!" "Well, this is..." "Shh!" "Someone... someone check..." "Someone check the first row." "I think a lady fainted." "No, no, no, no, no!" "Not you, you demon." "Back!" "I said back." "Back!" "(yells)" "Back!" "Sit, you demon!" "Sit!" "Over here, you..." "Now, listen to me." "Give me your full attention." "Speak." "Speak, you demon, speak!" "I hardly know where to begin." "(roars)" "I was rereading Balzac the other day, only in translation..." "Enough!" "Mm, you're very good with that whip, Maurice." " Quiet!" " Maurice is such a good animal trainer." "He got so much patience and courage and persistence..." "Shut up!" "You black-hearted hell hound." "And love." " What a sweet man." " (cringes)" "Get away from me!" "Get away!" "Now, boy, listen to me." "Here's the best part." "I hate it, but it's the best part." "Listen, boy." "I want you to dance." "Dance, you demon, dance!" "Come on, dance." "Move it!" "Dance, ballerina, dance!" "Move it!" " That's it." "More lyric." "That's it." " Oh." "This is really an easy trick." "I wanted to ride a pony around the stage, but Maurice is afraid of ponies." "Dance." "Come on, you meaty lummox!" "Dance!" "Dance!" " (waltz music plays)" " Waltz." "Dance, you beast." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "No!" "No!" "Somebody stop him." "Somebody stop him!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "He's run amuck!" "He's run amuck!" "Someone help me!" "Help!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "(all talk at once)" "OK, once again it is time to raise..." "Just a second, everyone." "Once again, it's time to raise the intellectual level of the program as we address ourselves to the topic, "What is the meaning of life?"" " (man) Indeed." " (man #2) Of course." " (man #3) Hear, hear." " It's a fairly simple subject." "Let's start off with our guest panelist, Mr. Harvey Korman." "Thank you." "I think that life is a great deal like a tennis game." "Oh, no, it isn't." "Oh, yes, it is." " No, it isn't." " Yes, it is." " No, it isn't." " Yes, it is." "Life is nothing like a tennis game." " In a pig's eye, it isn't." " Is that some kind of slam at me?" "The ball is in your court, Harvey." "The score is pig, five, guest, nothing." "Well, it's the first time that pig's scored in her life." " Wait a minute, wait a minute..." " Out of the way." "Let me get through there." " Can we have a little order here, please?" " Yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye." "That is the most insulting thing I ever heard." "Listen, life is a garbage dump, if you want the truth." "I think that my original analysis that life is a tennis game will stand up." " Well, I'm standing up." "I'm sick of..." " Please, sit down, sit down." "You really think life is like a tennis game, huh?" " Is a pig pork?" " What's that supposed to mean?" "Yeah, it means, uh, yes, I agree, of course." "Life is like a tennis game." "That's as clear as the nose on your face." "That's some honker you got there." "How would you like a pig knuckle sandwich, you..." "Oh, take it to the deli, lady." " Please, please." "We are digressing." " (shouting)" "We are digressing." "Can we at last get back to the issue?" "And the issue is life." " Oh, I have the last issue of Life." " What?" "Yeah, before they stopped publishing." "Could be worth a pretty penny." "Hey, I knew a pretty Penny once." "Penny Ferguson." "Used to be a dancer." " I love to dance." " Hey, what are you doing after the show?" " I've got a date." " Oh, well." "That's life." " Once again we've solved the problem." " We did." "We solved it." "Join us again next week when our subject will be, "Is conversation a dying art?"" "Yeah, you can get quite an education watching this show." "Are we watching the same show?" "(tea dance music)" "Oh, my beloved George, even though we come from two different worlds" "I find myself strangely attracted to you." " Yeah." "I feel the same way." " (gasps)" "You mean you're attracted to me?" "No." "To me." "Weird, huh?" "Say, how do you think I'd look in a porkpie hat?" "Oh, no, you couldn't." "It'd be like wearing one of our relatives." "Hey, do you wanna come over to my place and listen to the Beatles?" "Oh, I love their music." "What music?" "I mean real beetles." "And some termites, and some..." " Boy, does that guy have a swelled head." " Conceited, huh?" "No, he's just got a swelled head." "Look out!" "(screams)" "Hi, Harvey." "Hey, you know what?" "You know, we've been up all night worrying about ecology." "I'm right in the middle of a show." "I don't have time to worry about ecology." "Well, it's easy for you, but if all those trees go, we're in big trouble." "It's really great working with dogs." "(growls)" " Yeah?" " (yelps)" "All right, everybody, let's jam." "(rock music)" "Jam!" "Jam!" "Do it, Animal!" "Jam!" "(sax solo)" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Mmm." "Yeah!" "Whoa, I love him!" "Come on!" "Yeah!" "(guitar solo)" "Jam!" "Ow!" "Yeah!" "Jam!" "Jam!" "Yeah!" " Jam!" " All right!" "Wah!" "Yeah!" "(bass guitar solo)" "Jam!" " Jam!" " Whoo!" " Jam!" " Go, Animal!" "Jam!" "Jam!" "Yeah!" "Jam, jam, jam, jam!" "Jam, jam, jam!" "Jam, jam!" " Jam!" "Jam!" "Jam!" " Come on!" "Whoo!" "Jam!" "Thank you very much." "Jam!" "Jam!" "Jam!" "Jam!" "Jam!" "Now, how are you enjoying the show, Harvey?" "Well, I don't know." "Oh, well, that's funny, you know." "When I ask that, most of our guest stars say they're having a great time." " Yeah, well." " Aren't you having a great time?" "You know, Kermit, you and I are good friends, aren't we?" "You want me to tell you the truth, don't you?" "Only if you're having a great time." "Otherwise you have my permission to lie like crazy." "I can't lie to you." "I've got to tell you how I feel." ""All right," says the frog, preparing himself to face the music." ""What is the major problem?"" "The major problem is that I..." "I'm the only human being on this show." "How... how's that again?" "You heard me." "I'm the token person around here." "Gee." "We've never had that complaint before." "Yeah, well, you got it now." "How'd you like to sit around the dressing room surrounded by dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens?" "Gee, I've never really thought about it." "Yeah, well, think about it." "I mean, on other shows you get stage fright." "Here you get hoof-and-mouth disease." "Gee, Harvey, I didn't realize you dislike dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens." "No, I like dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens." "That's not the point." "The point is I just feel funny about being the only human being here." " Don't you understand?" " Oh!" "Oh!" "Well, I can fix that." "Hey, guys, come on in." " Wait a minute." " Take care of him." "Please." "Wait, no." "Stop." "Wait, no, hold it." "Wait." "Please." "Piggy, please, I'm ticklish." "Please, no." "Argh!" " That's right." " That's better." "Oh, well." "Does that make you feel better, Harvey?" "I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk now, Kermit." "I..." "I've got to get backstage and lay an egg." "Well, to me there's nothing funny about chickens." " (clucks)" " What the?" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ow!" "(man) And now. "Veterinarian's Hospital."" "The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs." "(blows nose)" " Anesthetic." " Anesthetic, Dr. Bob." "Is this operation really nec?" " Scalpel." "No, suture." "Suture." " Suture, Dr. Bob." " Suture." "Suture." "Yeah." "Scalpel." " Scalpel, Dr. Bob." " Argh!" " Ooh!" " How long have you been a nurse?" " Well, what time is it?" "(cringes)" "Dr. Bob, your hand is shaking." "What's the trouble?" "That's my nerves." "I'm overworked and underpaid." "This is my tenth operation today." "The hours are interminable." "Yes, but we must get on with this operation." "This man has a bad case of hiccups." " It must be gas." " (hiccups)" " Oh, he's in bad shape." " He's in bad shape?" "What about me?" "Doesn't anybody ever think about me?" "(hiccups)" " We're losing time, Dr. Bob." " So?" "I'm losing my mind." "Day in and day out it's the same old routine." " (hiccups)" " Oh, but, Dr. Bob..." "I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is leaving me, I'm being sued for malpractice." " And all you can say is, "But, Dr. Bob." - (hiccups)" " But, Dr. Bob." " But, Dr. Bob." "I tell you, I'm telling you, I'm so on edge I'm about to explode!" "(explosion)" "(man) So Dr. Bob is going to pieces." "And so is his patient." "Tune in next week." "When we'll hear the nurse say..." "Dr. Bob." "You've gotta pull yourself together." " I'll try." " Not you, him." "I'd better quit while I'm ahead." "Oh!" "(clears throat)" "I often get a tear in my eye when I introduce this next act." "Oh." "Oh!" "There's one right there, you see?" "You see, because they represent to me the very best this show has to offer." "Indeed, the very best this country has to offer." "So here they are now, just as sweet offstage as they are on," "Wayne and Wanda." "Oh, I need a hanky." "(# "I Get A Kick Out Of You" by Cole Porter)" "# I get no kick from champagne" "# Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all" "# So tell me why should it be true" "# That I get a kick..." "Ow!" "Now, you see why..." " Company ten-hut!" " (feet stamp)" "Forward... hut!" "(clucking) Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "How do you get out of this chicken outfit?" "(growls)" " What do you want?" " (barks)" " What?" "Huh!" " (barks)" "OK, time once again for that furry fuzzy funnyman, fabulous, freewheeling, fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Not so fast." "Tonight, I am going to use your assistance." " Oh, yeah?" " Yes, sir." "You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke." " Is that right?" " This is all spontaneous." "Unrehearsed." " Right, Froggie?" " It's unrehearsed." "Yes." " OK, OK." "Now, frog of my heart..." " Yes." "You will just wait until I say the word "here."" "When you hear me say the word "here," you will rush up to me and say:" ""Good grief, the comedian's a bear."" " Good grief, the comedian's a bear." " Check." " When you say the word "here"?" " Right." " Gotcha." " OK, here we go." "Ready?" "OK, here we go." "Now then." "Hiya, hiya, hiya!" "You're a wonderful-looking audience." "It's a pleasure to be here." "I..." " Good grief, the comedian's a bear!" " Not yet!" " You just said "here."" " That was the wrong "here."" " Which is the right "here"?" " The other "here."" " Right." " Go, go, go." "OK." "Hey, hey, folks." "This is a story you're gonna love to hear." " Good grief, the comedian's a bear!" " Will you stop it?" "!" " But you said "here."" " Not that "here."" " Well, which "here"?" " Another "here."" " How am I gonna know?" " You'll know when you hear!" " Good grief, the comedian's a bear!" " Not now!" "(grunts and breathes heavily)" " All right." "All right." "Listen." " Yes." "What?" "You will know when I point to you." "All right." "Don't grumble." "(clears throat)" "Say, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre." "At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans, and suddenly I hear..." "Good grief, the comedian's a bear." "No, he's a-not, he's a-wearing a neck-a-tie." "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" " Did you understand that joke?" " No." "But I don't speak Italian." "Here is a Muppet news flash." "Middleweight champion Carl Boomer says that since he has defeated all challengers in the middleweight ranks, he will defend his title next week against himself." "We go now to Boomer's training camp." "Tell us, Carl, do you think this will be a tough fight?" "Well, Muppet reporter, it will probably be one of my toughest, but I think I will be able to knock myself out in the tenth round." "In the first few rounds, I will work on my body blows." "Be-dah-bah-bah!" "De-bah-bah!" "Then I'll go for my head." "Be-dah-bah-bah-bah-bah!" "Carl's body may last two rounds, but I think his head has already gone down for the count." "(# "Halfway Down" by AA Milne)" "# Halfway down the stairs" "# Is a stair where I sit" "# There isn't any other stair quite like it" "# I'm not at the bottom" "# I'm not at the top" "# So this is the stair where I always stop" "# Halfway up the stairs" "# Isn't up and isn't down" "# It isn't in the nursery" "# It isn't in the town" "# And all sorts of funny thoughts" "# Run round my head" "# "It isn't really anywhere"" "# "It's somewhere else instead"" "# Halfway down the stairs" "# Is a stair where I sit" "# There isn't any other stair quite like it" "# I'm not at the bottom" "# I'm not at the top" "# So this is the stair" "# Where I always stop" "Well, that's about all we can squeeze into a half-hour for this week." "We've had a great time, and we'd specially like to thank our very talented guest star" "Chicken Little." " Now stop that." " Oh, I'm sorry about that, Harv." "Mr. Harvey Korman!" "And we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!" "(# "The Muppet Show" theme)" "Well, the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg." "(clucks)" "Wanna bet?" "(bum note)"