"If you tell me your dreams, I'll tell you mine." "I didn't get enough sleep to have any dreams." "I had a couple really good ones." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "What?" "I dreamed I was laying next to this really beautiful girl." "And we made love." "And then we made love again." "And then we made love again." "And then I woke up." "Oh, too bad." "But you know what happened?" "What?" "I was lying next to a very, very beautiful woman." "Hello, this is Maddie Hayes." "Hey, hold it down." "I can't hear." "Lady, what were you saying?" "I'm saying I'd like to know when you're going to be through with my house so that I can move back in." "Listen, I can't hear you." "Call back in a few days and then you can talk to Miss Hayes herself." "I'd no idea it was late." "Can you zip me up?" "Yes." "Where are we going all dressed up?" "I'm thinking about getting my real estate license." "I've got an appointment in Beverly Hills." "I've learned all the freeways." "I've found the best burrito even made a friend or two." "If I'm going to live in L.A.., I've got to be able to support myself." "How do I look?" "Like you're in kind of a hurry." "Well, I could go back to Connecticut and let this stew for awhile or I could just do it." "Well, then you should just do it." "You're gonna talk to your husband about this?" "Eventually." "But first I've got to get my bearings and figure out what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life and then I'll talk to Mark." "I sound rash, don't I?" "No." "You, rash?" "David my life there is very pleasant and very stuck." "When I got off the plane here, I felt very unstuck and I like it this way." "But don' t worry I'm not chucking it all in for some half-shaven stranger." "I'm doing this for myself." "I wasn't worried." "Oh, David." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "Congratulation." "Last call for alcohol." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you, Herbert." "Agnes, when Mr. Addison gets in from his beer run I'd like to see him in my office." "Mr. Addison hasn't come in yet." "How unlike him to be late for a party." "Miss Hayes." "Yes." "Herbert and I are getting married." "Oh, my God." "Congratulations." "A glass of champagne for Miss Hayes." "Forget the glass, give me a bottle." "Keep her walking and don't let her swallow her tongue." "What's going on here?" "Oh, David..." "...they're getting married." "Agnes and MacGi|icuddy?" "I'm just kidding." "I'm very happy for you." "If you aren't doing anything on Sunday, mind giving the bride away?" "I'll be honoured." "Where's the bridegroom?" "Sir." "Didn't know you had it in you." "Thank you, neither did I." "Would you mind if I spoke with you for a moment?" "It would be my pleasure." "At ease." "You and the other bridesmaids who would look good in lavender." "Great." "Have you picked out your dress?" "Under the circumstances, I think I'd better go with ecru." "Flowers." "Calla lilies." "Minister?" "More like a guru." "Sounds like you have it under control." "But if you need me to do anything ...." "Can I borrow something blue so I can kill two birds with one stone?" "Of course." "Could I ask you a question?" "Sure." "Now that I've decided to get married I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing." "Between us I think maybe there's something wrong with me." "You gonna be all right in there?" "I'm sorry, sir." "I haven't keep anything down since Agnes popped the question." "Sit down here." "Son, you are not looking good." "If the mere thought of marrying Agnes is making you puke what do you think is gonna happen when you marry her?" "Once I get used to the idea of giving up my freedom my independence of abandoning all sense of self to the collective we, I will be fine." "Well nobody's putting a gun to your head here." "I'm feeling a little green around the gills." "Put your head down between your legs." "If I'm so head over heels about Herbert how come I'm still attracted to other guys?" "Because you're alive." "I'll say." "Oh, sometimes I'll see some guy in the right pair of jeans in a tweed jacket." "And the next thing I know, it's just him and me." "Alone." "Doing the dance of a thousand tiny deaths on the linoleum." "Marriage is a normal, natural, noble endeavour and just because I am a neurotic mess who sees it more as the morgue of the human spirit a trap, a gallows is no reason why I should categorically reject something that 99 percent of humanity finds perfectly wonderful." "Burt you love Agnes, right?" "With all my heart." "Then stop worrying." "You're not gonna have any problems." "Forswearing all women for the rest of my life." "It's a pretty tall order, sir." "Yes, it is, fortunately men have options." "Such as?" "You fool around." "In a community property state?" "You can always move to Utah." "Set up housekeeping in a polygamous culture." "I'm allergic to salt, sir." "Well there is of course the final option." "That is to become a loyal, faithful, monogamous husband with a very vivid imagination." "I'd come to pretty much the same conclusion myself, sir." "Last night, it was Mel Gibson." "The night before it was Mark Harmon then it was the checkout guy in the deli section." "Then the night before that it was MacGi|icuddy." "MacGi|icuddy?" "On the linoleum?" "Mr. Addison I would like you to have my collection of erotic lithographs." "Oh, no, Burt." "I couldn't take those." "Please." "They won' t be of much use to me anymore." "And they're a great icebreaker on a first date." "There's one other thing, sir." "Mr. Addison." "Dave I would appreciate it if you would consider standing up for me being my best man." "Burt, I don't know" "You don't have to go through any trouble." "If you could just be there for moral support to make sure I go with through with this cockamamie scheme of Agnes'." "I don't want to fail at this, Miss Hayes." "it's too important." "You won't." "Hope not." "Thanks." "You're a real pal." "You too." "Weird." "To think that my mom had thoughts about men other than my dad." "Yeah, it is weird." "I suppose that means Burt occasionally thinks about other women." "Oh, sure." "What do you mean, "Oh, sure."" "Oh, I mean, oh, sure, probably." "Maybe?" "I'll kill him." "Excuse me a second." "Say, Viola." "What do you want, MacGi|icuddy?" "To offer my heartiest congratulations." "Yeah, right." "I know we've never enjoyed a particularly warm relationship." "That's putting it mildly, I hate your guts." "And I yours." "I think it's time we put an end to that." "why?" "It's the Christian thing to do." "And I can't think of a better excuse to beat our swords into ploughshares than your impending nuptials." "It will be a great honour for me if you'd allow me to throw a party for you." "What kind of party?" "Not one of those pukefests like Mr. Addison through for Miss Hayes' ex, no." "No grain alcohol, no animal movies." "And that tacky stripper, remember." "Yuck." "No just you and me, the guys from work." "We rent a limo for the night" "What are you up to?" "I'm just trying to settle accounts, that's all." "I got my test results back this morning." "It's my heart, Burt." "L'UlacGilicuddy, I'm sorry." "I don't know what to say." "You know, it would just mean so much to me if I could do this for you." "Sure." "Well, hey, everybody, how about a toast for my pal Herbert Viola and his blushing bride." "Much love, much happiness, long lives I' chaim." "Excuse me." "Can I help you?" "Does Madelyn Hayes work here?" "I'll tell her you're here." "Who are you?" "Oh, Mark Charnock." "Mark Charnock." "Yeah." "Charnock." "Charnock." "Like Annie Charnock." "Right." "So you must be Miss Hayes' cousin too." "No." "I'm related to her because I'm Annie's husband." "What a surprise." "What a nice surprise." "You look terrific." "So do you." "You ought to get back in modelling." "Oh, stop it." "No, I'm serious." "You're getting nearsighted in your old age." "How long has it been since we saw each other last?" "Years, years, I don't know." "Decades." "Too long." "Too long." "What are you doing here?" "What brings you to L.A.?" "Business, business." "And a chance to sneak away with my wife for a couple of days and write it off." "Yes, since Annie was already out here it seemed like a plan." "She's still out here, isn't she?" "Oh, absolutely." "Safe and sound, healthy and alert." "Feeling good, looking good." "I haven't heard from her since she left and you know Annie." "I know Annie." "Yeah, she's always up to something." "You know for about 30 seconds on the plane I had this panic attack." "I suddenly thought what if she's taken up with some strange Hollywood cult up in the hills or, you know, given her life over to some alcoholic religious man with saffron robes." "I guess that's what I love about Annie anyway." "I never know what she's gonna do." "That's our Annie." "Surprise, surprise." "Sorry." "Had to save Burt from taking his own life." "Addison, partner and leg man." "Whatever she says goes double for me." "I think you're gonna be happy at Blue Moon." "Our investigators are the finest quality." "David." "Do you remember my friend Annie?" "This is her husband." "Mark Charnock." "Her husband." "I seem to remember meeting your-- It was your cousin." "And her name was Annie." "Annie." "Nice girl as I remember." "Yes, she is." "She is." "Well, I leave you two alone to catch up." "I have to get back to work on the Anselmo case." "See you." "Hi, sailor." "Oh, what are you doing here?" "I just saw a divorce lawyer up on 12." "David, is anything the matter?" "No." "I just wanted to be with you." "Alone." "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yeah, it's just springtime and the sap is up in the trees, I guess." "Maybe you should see an endocrinologist." "David, I've decided not to take a dime from Mark." "I think it's the only fair thing to do." "Can I have some coffee?" "Yes." "Of course you can get some coffee." "I'll get it" "No, I can get it." "No, you just stay right here." "Burt, gets over here quick." "Just a second, sir." "Get over here right now." "I'm sorry, anxiety-induced hiccups." "I can't seem to shake them." "Reach my pocket." "You think that will help?" "David, the door is stuck." "I don't quite understand, sir." "Just do it, will you?" "Now grab this." "David?" "Somebody get me out of here." "Sir, mind my asking why we're doing this?" "Shut your mouth." "Listen." "Stay here until I give you the high sign." "Then you go in and tell her I got called." "Then you take her sightseeing, shopping." "Just get her out." "On a hundred dollars?" "You'll excuse me." "Miss Charnock strikes me as being one-high-dollar female." "Mr. Addison, Annie called, She's stuck in your office." "Agnes, Mr. Addison and I have everything under control." "Sorry." "Did I hear Maddie say you're from New York City?" "Connecticut actually but I work in" "Look a friend of mine's going to New York." "He called asking what should he pack?" "I haven't lived there, I couldn't tell him." "Climate hasn't changed that much for the last hundred years." "So I guess a raincoat will come in handy now." "Hey, let me write this down, huh?" "Raincoat." "Rubbers?" "Couldn't hurt." "Couldn't hurt." "Better safe than sorry." "Right you are." "Look, is New York still kind of a dressy town?" "Well, that depends." "Jacket and tie." "Ties." "That is a nice suit you're wearing there." "Thanks." "May I?" "Oh, that's very nice." "What are the good shows?" "Is Fantastics still a hot ticket?" "You know what?" "I'll get you comps." "Maddie, I've got to go." "What are you doing?" "The ifeway is here." "Ifeway?" "Ifeway?" "Ifeway is erehay?" "Ikesyay." "This is a nice suit." "But didn't the Fantastics close?" "Oh, I guess maybe they did." "You know what I think about New York?" "Wieners?" "Wieners." "I mean, pigeons." "The opera's nice there too." "The opera?" "Yeah, the Metropolitan Opera?" "But that's in New York." "Yes, that's right." "My friend was going to New York?" "Yes, you said." "New Mexico." "You know what the climate's like in New Mexico." "No, I've never been to New Mexico." "Me neither but I'm a fan of Georgia 0'Keefe." "She lived in New York before she moved." "No kidding." "No kidding." "Fascinating." "You know this has been fun and educational." "Here let me get that for you." "Watch yourself there." "Hey, Mark, give my regards to Broadway." "Remember me to Herald Square." "I'm not saying a word." "You liar." "I hope you're satisfied with the mess you've made." "Go ahead." "Unload, baby, give me a blast." "Hot no strings fling and then ship her back to Connecticut..." "...with a smile on her face." "You got the smile on her face." "Are you prepared to watch that woman dismantle her marriage?" "Her life." "Her marriage." "Her decision." "How convenient." "Its none of my business and it's none of yours." "Do you really believe that?" "Yeah." "Then I have nothing else to say to you." "I have work to do." "Get out of my office." "This guy's a real maroon." "Subject, a maroon, exiting parking structure at 9:32 a.m." "Make that 11:15 a.m." "David." "Here, this is for you." "I am very touched." "We went to Disneyland." "I can see that." "I'm sorry I kept your fair lady away so long, sir." "I'm gonna mix us some cocktails." "We're on our way out to go see a movie." "Let's make it a threesome." "Why don't we keep it a twosome." "Close it." "We'll do it again, Annie." "Okay, bye, Herbert." "Your husband is in town." "Well, I guess that's good." "I can finally get all this out in the open." "Is that you wanna do?" "I mean, sometimes I'm more sure of that than other times but one thing I'm absolutely certain of." "I couldn't stand being away from you today." "I need to talk to you." "Have a seat." "Mark Charnock called." "You don't suppose that" "He's not a dummy." "Yeah." "He wants to have lunch with you today." "What time does he want to meet?" "High noon." "Hey." "Ahoy there, pilgrim." "Drink with me." "Barkeep." "Yes, sir." "Martini for my friend here." "Beer, please, is fine." "Thanks for coming." "The least I could do." "So what do you think of this kettle of fish?" "I think we should talk about it." "Maddie know?" "Like to keep her out of this though." "No, I understand." "I understand." "That's why I called you directly." "To my wife and her lover." "I hired a detective to find out who this lucky guy is." "A detective?" "The LaSalle Agency." "The private investigator on the case is named Kapatkin." "Anyway, I called you to find out if this LaSalle guy is reputable." "So you don't know who Annie's fooling around with?" "No, that's why I hired the detective." "Actually, I would have preferred to go with Blue Moon but I didn't wanna stick Maddie in the middle." "What happens when you find this guy?" "Well, marriage is a funny thing." "I mean, it's good it's bad and it gets good then it gets bad and then" "I thought I'd shatter this guy's kneecaps." "Guess I'm a little angry." "Wish you knew Annie the way I do." "I gotta meet this guy." "Why?" "What do you need to do that for?" "Look, I got to know if she's better off with him." "Because if that's the case I gotta step aside." "But is this worth, you know, dismantling your marriage about?" "Maybe it's just a fling." "That's not like Annie." "Well, what about the guy?" "Maybe it's just a big laugh to him." "Well, then he better not string her along." "I mean, an affair is one thing." "He breaks her heart I'll kill him." "Wedding bands, check." "Something old, check." "Something new, check." "Antidepressants, check." "I think that's everything." "Lingerie." "What do you need lingerie for?" "Every bride should have a sexy nightie in her trousseau." "It will only get torn to shreds." "Okay." "Kisses." "Agnes, be careful." "Agnes, I think we're being followed." "What?" "That guy who was bird-dogging me at Disneyland yesterday." "Take deep breaths and think of a mountain stream." "Agnes, this is not an anxiety attack." "Short, dumpy guy, unshaven, wingtips." "I don't see anyone." "Agnes, he's right" "Burt, just one more stop and I'll take you home and put you in a nice relaxing mustard plaster." "Burt." "What do you think?" "Herbert, here I come." "Ta-da." "Herbert." "Yeah, that's good." "Get that one." "All right, buster." "What's the story?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Herbert Quentin Viola." "I thought it was" "You can kiss my" "On second thought you can't." "I'm sorry." "If you don't want to get married, why don't you just come and say it instead of trying to hallucinate yourself into a section eight." "Agnes, I was not hallucinating." "Dearest" "Would you mind taking these packages to the car?" "I'll meet you there." "Herbert." "I have to go to the little boy's room." "Bub, suppose you tell me why you've been following me." "Because I want your autograph." "Comedian." "Better let go of me." "Are you gonna spill it or do I have to hurt you?" "Herbert." "Oh, my God." "Burt, talk to me." "Tell me what happened." "He broke my jaw." "Did you say oilcan?" "He broke my jaw." "Who?" "Who broke your jaw?" "The man." "Guy who was following me." "Burt." "Burt, wait right here." "I'm going to get an ambulance." "Don't let anyone park on you." "David?" "Stop it." "Oh, David." "David." "Did you hear something?" "I don't know." "Let me see." "Hi." "I wasn't expecting you home so soon." "So I see." "YOU Carl COITIB on 0U'll." "So how'd we do?" "We did great." "We really fooled Mrs. Anselmo." "I can't believe it, my first time undercover and I get to work the Anselmo case." "Here." "I want you to take this." "No, Mr. Addison, I couldn't." "That's an order, detective." "Thanks." "Mr. Addison you're a great guy." "Let me fix that for you, buddy." "Would you relax, I'm not gonna strangle you." "Just want to fix your tie." "You look great." "You do." "Look out." "Look at him go." "You can all get up now, it's safe." "Here you go." "Something for you kids to start your wedding." "Thanks." "Give me a hug." "David Addison, how could you?" "I got them something they'd use." "No, I'm talking about Annie." "I should be grateful that she found out before it's too late how vile, venal and hateful you are." "Look out." "You saved my life, my hero." "Get away from me." "We come here today, dearly beloved to witness the vibration of two radiant jewels who are about to merge to create one beam of coherent light." "Today, we celebrate the ancient union of man-woman and woman-man and by the grace of the great whatever to ask that Burt and Agnes' genetic tendrils reach out to infinity." "And by our very presence here, brothers and sisters ...." "Mr. Kapatkin?" "Your office told me I could find you here." "Getting the skinny on the maroon, effecting intromission with the frail." "I'm sorry, what?" "Blow before you wreck my cover." "Oh, Mr. Kapatkin, I won't be needing your services anymore." "I'm dropping the case." "My wife has broken off with the gentlemen in question." "That ain't no gentleman." "Be that as it may." "She's coming back to New York with me." "Now, this should settle accounts." "Look pal, you wanna take a powder, righteo that spiderkeet to be reported to the board of health." "You ever see this guy up close?" "Mr." "Kapatkin, this case is closed." "I got a civic responsibility." "My dearest Agnes." ""The day I met you my soul found purpose."" ""My soul found purpose."" "What?" "What he'd say?" "Purpose." "What did he say?" "I think I better read this." ""My dearest Agnes, the day I met you my soul found purpose."" "Oh, purpose." "Oh, purpose." "Purpose." ""Today I dedicate that life to you." "I pledge my heart to love you always." "My arms to comfort you and keep you warm." "My eyes to light up at your smile." "No longer must my existence be an empty void a scream looking for a mouth." "At last, I know what it is to love someone."" "Oh, Herbert." "Herbert, no." "Look at him go." "Herbert." "Stop it." "Herbert." "Come on, Herbert." "Nice left." "Miss Hayes." "By the power invested in me by the supreme authority by the state of California I now pronounce you man and wife." "Next." "Sign here and here and here and you get your release." "Notify your lawyer any time you" "This isn't gonna go on my permanent record, is it?" "I don't think so." "They'll probably drop the charges." "I hope so." "I don't want anything hurting my chances of getting a PI license." "Oh, Jamie, you don't wanna be a detective." "It's dirty thankless work." "Stick to something more respectable." "I don't know." "I've never felt more alive than being out there with Mr. Addison." "You're in the field with Mr. Addison?" "On the Anselmo case." "We went undercover in the shower, you know, to throw off Mrs. Anselmo." "Mr. Addison said I was a natural." "I'm sure you were." "And you certainly tricked Mrs. Anselmo." "It's hard to live with yourself after you've trespassed on private property." "I mean, I probably would have hung myself if you hadn't been kind enough to take my shoelaces." "Move right along, please." "All right, I think that just about does it." "Let's see, we've got one desk chair, black" "That's my chair." "Where are--?" "Sorry." "One painting, cubist abstract." "Okay, Sparky, I'll bite." "Where's he going with my chair?" "Walter Whitebread, ABC TV." "Used to be a big fan of yours." "Still am I guess." "For the next eight minutes and 36 seconds." "I enjoy a joke as much as anybody but I got to get some work done." "So have them bring the stuff back in." "You don't know, do you?" "Know what?" "Somebody from current programmes was supposed to call you." "I guess that's why NBC's number one, huh?" "I don't know how to tell you this but you're cancelled." "What?" "Burt, what happened?" "He's dead, sir." "He told me that he had a heart condition but I didn't believe him." "Well, let's call an ambulance." "Won't do any good." "It wasn't heart failure." "He just doesn't have any more scenes." "This is all my fault." "If I had done the honourable thing and left the show, none of this would have happened." "Get a hold of yourself, Burt." "This is just some weird unfunny dream sequence." "Burt." "What happened?" "Just the end of the world as we know it, Miss Hayes." "Let me go." "There's nothing I can do." "Let me go." "I don't want to be cancelled." "Oh, I'm glad you're here." "Let me go." "We gotta get out." "What?" "We got cancelled." "Look, I don' t have time to explain." "But in 6 minutes and 14 seconds we'll cease to exist as characters." "Where' s our furniture?" "What's happening to our view?" "Where's Red taking our view?" "Now, there's no need to get your drawers." "Wait a minute." "Drawers, I made an underwear joke and we're still here." "There may be time yet." "Come on." "Agnes." "Agnes." "Oh, glad you're okay." "I'm not okay." "I thought of a word to rhyme with cabbage." "And the only thing I could think of was basement." "I can't rhyme anymore." "Agnes, I think there's something you should know." "What?" "That the two of you couldn't figure out your nitwit relationship so they' re giving the rest of us the heave-ho along with you?" "You heard, huh?" "Yeah, I heard." "If there's a God in heaven he'll spin Herbert and me off in our own series." "What is happening?" "We still have a bit of time left." "Let's think." "There must be someone who can help." "Yeah, but who?" "Wait, say that again." "You mean" "That's it." "Cy." "Cy'|| know what to do." "Come on." "Get out." "Cy, what do you mean, "Get out"?" "Get out." "But you're our last hope." "You're one of the biggest producers in the business, come on." "Hey, even I can't get people to tune in to watch what they don't want anymore." "Don' t get me wrong." "I love you two kids." "But can you really blame the audience?" "Case of poison ivy's more fun than watching you two lately." "What are you talking about?" "What about all the laughs we had?" "Yeah." "People don't want laughs, David." "They want romance." "Romance." "Romance is a very fragile thing." "Once it's over, it's over." "And I'm afraid for you two, it's over." "But it's not over." "David and I are friends." "Yeah, we're buddies." "Oh, goody, that's exactly what America wants to see." "David and Maddie, friends." "People fell in love with you two kids falling in love." "You couldn't keep falling forever." "Sooner or later you had to land someplace." "People cared about you two because you cared about each other." "Even when you didn't wanna care, you still cared and you couldn't not." "You cared until you couldn't care any longer." "What'd he say?" "Something about caring." "You two were a great love story." "Well, we can't just vanish into thin air." "What'|| they do without us?" "Don't worry about them, they'll be fine." "What's gonna happen to us?" "You know, I could be wrong but remember what I said." ""Romance is a very fragile thing."" "Romance, huh?" "Romance." "That's what they want." "Romance." "Come on, we'll give them a little romance." "Nice kids." "Gonna miss them." "Hello?" "Yo, padre." "Yes." "Have to get married." "On the double." "There's a class on Thursday nights at 7:00 for couples considering marriage." "No." "We need to get hitched." "Now." "There's not a moment to spare." "Now." "Well, the sacrament of holy matrimony isn't something to enter into lightly." "We don't went to enter into it lightly, we just wanna enter quickly." "Let's get the show on the road." "I'd like to help" "You've got to help us." "But people get married because they share a common dream." "Well, we do." "We both enjoy breathing." "Yeah, look and we love each other very much." "Marriage is the byproduct of two peoples' hope." "I see desperation in your eyes." "Wanna see desperation, how about if I talk to your boss upstairs, huh?" "You want him to find out about this?" "Oh, my." "Oh, my." "Oh, my." "I'm sorry." "Well?" "Well, I guess this is it." "Over and out." "Six two and even." "I thought it'd be different." "I didn't think about it." "If we could just have these five years to do over again maybe we could" "You know, David after all these years all we've been through together, the ups, the downs, the ins, the outs." "I just want you to know I can't imagine not seeing you tomorrow."