"captioning made possible by comedy central * i'm going down to south park * * gonna have myself a time * * friendly faces everywhere * * humble folks without temptation * * going down to south park * * gonna leave my woes behind *" "* ample parking day or night * * people spouting "howdy neighbor" * * headed on up to south park * * gonna see if i can't unwind *" "* ( mumbling ) * * come on down to south park * * and meet some friends of mine **" "okay, students, we have a very special guest speaker today." "who can tell the name of our country's last vice president ?" "dick cheney ?" "no, the last one." "bill clinton !" "no, clinton's vice president ?" "he is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues." "please welcome, al gore !" "( sparse applause ) who ?" "thank you, mr. mackey, students of south park elementary." "i am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet." "you see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it." "i'm talking, of course, about manbearpig." "manbearpig ?" "it is a creature which roams the earth alone." "it is half man, half bear and half pig." "some people say that manbearpig isn't real." "well i'm here to tell you now, manbearpig is very real and he most certainly exists." "i'm cereal." "manbearpig doesn't care who you are, or what you've done, manbearpig simply wants to get you." "i'm super-cereal." "but have no fear, because i am here to save you." "and someday, when the world is rid of manbearpig, everyone will say" ""thank you al gore, you're super-awesome."" "the end." "uh, okay, thank you mr. gore... thank you class." "excelsior !" "hee-hee... check out this sweet move." "kyle you can't block like that !" "just play the game, fat ass !" "pass it to me, cartman." "hang on, i'm gonna do something super-killer." "god dammit, stop it, kyle !" "alright, check it out." "this is a total kobe bryant i'm about to do." "just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole !" "it's getting late !" "let's see you get the ball this time, jew boy !" "kyle, knock it off !" "cartman stop hogging the goddamn ball !" "gwoooooooon !" "don't worry, it's not really manbearpig, it's me, al gore." "we know." "dude, what are you doing ?" "i'm spreading manbearpig awareness." "here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker." "i hope now you boys see that this is totally cereal." "the next time, it could be the real manbearpig." "can i just get you to sign the awareness sheet ?" "just your name and phone number, and where you first heard about manbearpig ?" "uh... stan ?" "oh, hey dad." "hello." "it's uh..." "getting late, boys, why don't you get in the car and i'll drive you all home." "okay, mr. marsh." "be safe." "boys..." "i don't want you hanging out the ex-vice president anymore, okay ?" "aw, he's alright dad." "he was just trying to warn us about manbearpig." "manbearpig ?" "he's half man and half bearpig." "no, dude, he's half man, half bear and half pig." "that doesn't make any sense." "he could be half bear and half manpig." "boys, there's no such thing as a manbearpig." "the vice president is just desperate for attention." "but i feel kind of bad for him, dad." "i don't think he has any friends." "( phone ringing )" "( ring ) hello ?" "hello, this is al gore." "aw, man... oh, hi mr. gore." "i was the vice president." "i know." "can you and your friends make it to an emergency manbearpig meeting tomorrow morning ?" "i have some evidence he could be in this area !" "uh, look, i'm sorry but we're all kinda busy." "oh..." "i get it... you don't believe me either." "no, no, it's not that." "yes, it is !" "nobody believes me !" "i'm trying to warn everyone and nobody takes me cereal !" "( blubbering ) i just want somebody in the world to take me cereal just for once." "it's okay, mr. gore..." "i believe you." "no, you don't." "yeah, i'm sure manbearpig needs to be stopped." "i'm just..." "i'm just scared that i can't do anything to stop him." "are you cereal ?" "yes, i'm cereal." "don't worry, we can stop him !" "bring everyone you can to my manbearpig meeting tomorrow at eight a.m. sharp !" "dude, why are we going to hang out with this guy ?" "yeah, i don't get it." "come you guys al gore doesn't have any friends." "we'll just make an appearance and then we'll go." "hi kids !" "come on in !" "okay, let's get this meeting started." "what do you kids think we should do to stop manbearpig ?" "yeah, uh..." "you know, mr. gore, my dad is a geologist and he says manbearpig probably isn't in colorado." "what does your dad look like ?" "does he have large hooves where his feet should be ?" "!" "no !" "damn... for a minute there, i thought we'd found him." "well... this was a great meeting, wasn't it guys." "but we gotta get going to school now." "( alarm chirping ) oh my god !" "manbearpig screen active !" "what is this area of colorado ?" "it's a cave of some kind !" "yeah, that's "cave of the winds"." "it's a tourist attraction." "oh, jesus on ice skates, we've got to get down there right away." "i don't think so, dude." "yeah, we've got school anyway." "i can get you excused from school." "you... have that kind of power ?" "look, you boys have a chance to help me find and kill manbearpig once and for all, i'm totally cereal !" "hello everyone, welcome to cave of the winds." "our tour is going to take us through two chambers of one of the most elaborate cavern systems in colorado." "before we get started, i do understand we have a special guest in our group today." "the ex-vice president, mr. al gore !" "mr. gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here." "now, once we enter the cave we do ask that you follow two rules:" "stay on the path and do not touch anything." "alright, are we ready ?" "yeah !" "yeah !" "yeah !" "let's go caving' !" "here we are in the main chamber of the cave." "it was discovered in 1892, and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the old west." "have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately ?" "uh... no." "now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalactites." "water drips from the... alright kids, i need you all to keep an eye out for manbearpig droppings." "what do manbearpig droppings look like ?" "similar to pig droppings but more manbear-like these rocks often make interesting shapes, which we like to name." "for instance, this one here we named" ""the hanging mushroom"." "and over here we have" ""man with helmet and two bowling balls"" "and finally, of course," ""the two sisters"." "now the cave itself is millions of years old, and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees- gwoooooon !" "gwooooon !" "sir... mr. gore, is there a problem ?" "not yet." "alright, everyone if you'll step this way, you'll see how the cave gets its name... kids, kids over here, look !" "what ?" "i'll bet this is where he hiding." "this looks like manbearpig central." "come on !" "come on, this is where manbearpig is- i'm cereal !" "in certain areas of the cave the wind actually blows through, causing a sound you can hear." "( wind whistling ) ooooh !" "ahhhhh... take a picture of the sound, steven." "mr. gore i think we should stay with the tour group." "wait- shhh !" "christ, he's here !" "take this rope !" "be ready to tie him up !" "i've got you now you son of a bitch !" "what are you doing ?" "oh no !" "no !" "aghgghgh !" "ahahgh leave them alone you goddamn manbearpig !" "help !" "help !" "damn you manbearpig they're just children !" "okay... everyone..." "out of the cave... now !" "go go !" "move out !" "aaaaahh !" "aghghgh !" "aaaaahh !" "help !" "we're trapped hello ?" "forget it !" "they can't hear us." "what are we going to do ?" "!" "you better get us out of here, asshole !" "me ?" "you just had to go and be nice to al gore, now we're trapped in a cave !" "maybe there's another way outta here." "there might be." "alright, let's split up and look for a passageway." "everyone take a different direction." "ughn, ugh... oh man, we're in big trouble here." "this is bullcrap." "if i miss dinner i'm gonna be... so pissed off... wagh !" "aw, god dammit !" "you see anything kenny ?" "no, not yet... cartman ?" "cartman ?" "you see anything ?" "no, nothing-- no, nothing here..." "nothing this way." "t- treasure !" "cartman, you okay ?" "you need help ?" "i'm fine, this way's a dead end." "coming back to you, now." "it looks like we're completely sealed in." "yeah, we're ---ed." "there's a small passageway about 200 yards over there." "but it goes for a long, long way and it's pretty steep." "maybe we should go for it." "you guys go on ahead." "i'm gonna stay here, wait it out." "why ?" "i just... i don't feel very good." "i'll just weigh you guys down." "cartman's right, first rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued." "no, it's okay, you guys go on ahead." "no, we'll stay here too." "if we start wondering off we're gonna get lost or killed." "let's just wait here and hope help comes soon." "that's cool." "i just... wouldn't go over there if i were you." "i just took a huge dump." "aw, duuude !" "the cave-in was massive and has cut off all access in or out." "the children are believed to be trapped somewhere in this area." "does anybody know who these kids are ?" "no, nobody seems to know them, only that they were in the tour group." "digging to them is going to take days." "excuse me, excuse me !" "this cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast." "i am super, duper cereal." "what do you mean ?" "the cave-in is over." "i'm afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in." "what's that ?" "what is that, a pig bear man ?" "no stupid, it's manbearpig." "i'm so hungry... do you think people even know we're here ?" "they saw us on the tour... dude, where do you keep going, cartman ?" "i just... need to keep taking a crap." "i've got diarrhea, really bad." "dude, it's bad enough we gotta sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes !" "let's just try to sleep." "maybe help will come tomorrow." "all that treasure..." "it's all mine !" "so long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it." "you would all just love to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you ?" "even though i found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours too." "god, i hate you guys." "especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass." "well i've got news for you, kyle." "you're never going to get my treasure." "i've got a little plan going to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing." "c-cartman ?" "oh hey kyle, how's it going ?" "dude... what are you doing ?" "not much... you know, just hanging out." "how you been, man ?" "good ?" "dude, get away from me." "yeah, it was nice talking with you, kyle." "see ya' around." "why won't anybody listen to me ?" "manbearpig is in there and we have to kill him while we have the chance, i'm cereal !" "mr. gore, please, we need you to calm down." "now, what exactly do you suggest we do ?" "i told you we need to fill the cave with hot molten lead cuz it's the only way to make sure manbearpig never comes out !" "and i'm saying it and i'm totally cereal but everyone just keeps digging !" "well, see, the problem is that if they fill the caves with hot molten lead it will kill those boys, too." "they're already dead didn't you listen to me ?" "they got attacked by manbearpig and manbearpig leaves nobody alive i'm super-cereal !" "and nobody will listen to me, i'm cereal !" "( sobbing ) do you want me to get the ex-vice president out of here ?" "naw, i feel kind of bad for him." "i don't think he has any friends." "ha ha..." "haaaaaaa.... alright, gotta be strong... there's still a lot more treasure to go... hughhh... ( gagging )" "( gagging  retching )" "dude, he's really sick." "it's been three days since four unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in." "three days without food and time is certainly running out." "the digging continues, but process is fatally slow." "alright people we've got to work faster." "our best estimate still puts us three days away from reaching the area of the cave called 'smuggler's den' smuggler's den ?" "it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure." "here see ?" "based on where the boys were seen last, they're somewhere near this area." "hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put." "stan..." "stan, wake up !" "huh, what, have they come for us ?" "no, it's cartman." "something's really wrong with him." "blugh..." "( coughing ) oh my god !" "cartman, dude, can you hear me ?" "!" "i'm fine..." "just a little... no big deal... we can't wait here any longer." "dude, we gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die." "how dude, we don't even know if that passage goes anywhere." "maybe we should head out first... and then come back for him." "no, don't !" "don't leave me here you assholes... don't leave me here to die." "huhgh, ughhh... come on, pull !" "god dammit, he's so heavy !" "hurry you guys... you got to get me outta here... hughhh... ( fart ) what the hell was that ?" "cartman ?" "you guys we got no time !" "you gotta get me out !" "this is the end of you, manbearpig." "excelsior !" "blughh... there's nothing here !" "i can't keep carrying him, dude." "i've got no strength." "yes, you do !" "( rumbling ) what the hell is that ?" "oh my god." "agh !" "get me outta here, you guys !" "run !" "that's it, pull everyone out there's nothing more we can do." "you're calling off the rescue ?" "we didn't plan on a freak river flood." "god must really want those kids dead." "what if the children aren't dead ?" "the cavern is completely flooded." "nothing could have survived." "there's nothing left alive down there." "nothing left alive... i did it..." "i killed manbearpig." "i've saved the earth from certain destruction." "everyone is super-stoked on me." "even if they don't know it." "kenny, here take my hand !" "hurry kyle, the water's rising !" "cartman... you've got to swim !" "kick with your legs." "i can't kick." "yes you can." "i can't kick, you just have to save me." "i need your help !" "no, you just have to save me." "harhgh..." "gahrhghg... kyle, nooo !" "we are gathered here to say goodbye to four kids whom we all tried to help but in the end, could not." "but where there is loss, there is hope." "for manbearpig is no more." "oh jesus, here we go again." "we have beaten manbearpig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives:" "kid one... kid two... kid three... and of course, kid four." "i remember how kid one used to laugh and play." "and how kid two was always there when i needed him... rrrrghggh !" "oh my god !" "ughghghg... it's the kids they're alive !" "rughghg... kids, i saved you !" "just stay away from us, asshole !" "i was nice to you because i felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends." "but now i see why you don't have any friends." "you just use manbearpig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser !" "yeah right, the man who single-handedly killed manbearpig is a loser." "blarghh..." "blaarrhghgh... we need to get our friend to a hospital right away !" "no, no, i'm fine !" "i just need to get home..." "and rest... cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor !" "naw, i just need to get to a toilet." "see you guys, i- haba..." "habaaaaaaa !" "haghggh !" "dude... did cartman just crap treasure ?" "it's mine !" "it's mine, you hear me ?" "i got it out of the cave !" "it belongs to me !" "keep your greedy hands away !" "hey... that looks like the fake treasure from our smuggler's den photo room." "that's right, and i... fake treasure ?" "yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with." "all in all, i'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars." "no... no !" "ahghgh !" "you made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure ?" "you son of a bitch." "don't you think i'm hurting enough kyle ?" "aahghghgh !" "well, my work here is done." "i've killed m.b.p." "and now i must save the world from something else." "maybe i'll make a movie." "a movie starring me." "then people will take me super-cereal." "excelsior !" "ahgh !" "captioning made possible by comedy central cartman, you've got to swim kick with your legs i can't kick yes you can i can't kick, you just have to save me." "i need your help!" "no you just have to save me."