"== Yes ==" "Subtitled By:" "Nizar Ezzeddine" "They say my cleaning is the best they've ever known but cleanliness of course is an illusion those of us who clean as a profession know the deeper source of dirt is always there" "You can't get rid of it" "You cannot hide or put a lid on it as long as human life is there lt's us, the skin we shed and then the hair... I think of what I do as therapy for homes you know I often see the pain imprinted on a bed" "you spot a stain that should not be in there of course you know at once what's going on" "But then you go into another room, the one he keeps his papers in, or so he says..." "He sleeps in there from time to time as well" "What was I saying?" "Yes, it all relates" "The evidence on things like dirty plates, and socks and underwear and other things I shouldn't mention that he sometimes flings into the toilet and thinks I won't see..." "Ah, because he flushes, but unfortunately he doesn't check its gone" "it's down to me to try again sometimes I fish it out... lt's quicker in the end, it floats I doubt they'll ever realize I know it all" "They think that those of us who clean are small somehow, in body and in mind we fall our of their line of sight invisible, we work our magic indivisible one from the other, we're a mass, no soul, no rights to speak of" "just a basic role to play in keeping their lives looking good" "Cosmetic artists, that is what we should be called" "Or dirt consultants" "You waited until I am not there" "How could you?" "In our house?" " Oh don't" " Don't what?" " Don't make a scene don't make it worse - l am not" "Where, our bed?" "The sofa?" "Or perhaps a chair?" "That's fine" "Forgive my question but are you alright?" " l'm fine, thank you" " Are you sure?" "Yes, quite" "A woman left alone if it was me..." "I wouldn't..." "Wouldn't what?" "Let such a beauty out of my sight, not for a moment, no" "A woman left alone, I wouldn't..." "Wouldn't what?" "Let such a beauty out of my sight, not for a moment, no" "And let me add I'd like to steal you from the man who cannot see that you're a queen" " When are you free?" " My God, you're fast" "Oh no, quite slow I don't believe this, I must say no definitely" "It's you" "You knew I guessed" "That's good, I said I'd call I thought you would" " You're over there" " Quite far away" "You sound so near and when are you..." " Returning?" "In a day, or two - l'd like to meet" "Yes, where?" "You say..." "Let's walk, somewhere, and eat" "And talk" "What's that?" " My cab, I'm getting out - l cannot hear..." "We'll have to shout" " l'll call again..." " Oh, good, yes, do I'm glad I found you... I understand that you've invited me to make a case that life begins at three hours" "or at one, or two, or maybe four as if there is a moment when we can be sure that we are human" "You'll want evidence, material, not big ideas nor common sense, but what is measurable" "What you can see, and not once but many times, repeatedly" "For this is science and that's what we do" "But wait a minute, is this really true?" "Could "objectivity" be just a point of view?" "we interpret what we see, and can see what we expect, in embryology" "When a man first saw a sperm magnified he thought he saw a little man inside and those that looked were sure that they could see one too so eager were they to agree, look at this, man?" "Or mouse?" "The mystery is that each cell knows its destiny..." "Yes" "Who?" "Oh, Sister Maud of course, hello lt's been a while, it has how time does go..." "No, she's not here, of course I'll tell her, yes I'm sure she meant to call" "Oh, I would guess the weekend but of course one never knows" "Yes, always working that's the way it goes" "And how is her aunt?" "Oh oh dear, how sad, is it serious?" "Oh dear... that does sound bad" "Oh quite, of course I'll speak to her tonight" "Except when she gets back he will be out" "That's how they organize their lives I doubt if they will see each other for a week" "They leave each other notes but rarely speak" "Hello!" " Where are you from?" " l am Irish" " From Belfast" " But you sound... I know, I know, American" "They took me there when I was ten, and you?" "I am from Beirut" "My land is made of stones but we have trees that blossom in the spring and then release their fruit" "We have cherries, plums and peaches and the queen of all the tree that reaches for the sun to fill its seed with gold, the yellow fruit, the apricot" "the old and wisest say this fruit will keep them young" "And you can taste her secret with your tongue" "Potato is our apricot, we bake we boil, we mash, we fry and then we make a flour of it for dumplings in our stew or bread or scones or pancakes" "the famine haunts us still, you see" "We too are haunted by our dead, it seems" "They speak to us in riddles in our dreams so many killed, they ask the question, why?" "Did we have to die?" "Look, shall we think of something sad?" "This conversation's far too light" "That's bad, yes absolutely, you are right" "My auntie in Belfast once said to me survivors can't forget the memory is all that's left we cannot let it go lf it is lost, then who will ever know?" "She brought me up, I loved her so" "My parents went away when I was two" "They said they'd fetch me in a month but then a month became a year... my father flew back home from time to time I never knew when I would go do you believe in God?" "She didn't, so I had to pray at school, then go back home and say I thought that reason was the way the light, and that God was dead" "This was a Catholic school they fed us catechism fear of hell, and fear of punishment as well" "They hit us hard to do us good and told us that we never would survive without our faith" "My aunt said they were hypocrites you can't imagine how it was to be alone with such a split but to atone for sinful doubt I searched for truth, with all the passion of my youth" "You found it?" "Science" "So you think that you can penetrate the mind of God" "I do... not know... if God has a mind or if there is a God, I don't believe..." "Such golden hair, we can agree..." "To disagree?" "How true, I'm talking far too much, now what of you?" "We'd rather sing than speak it leaves us free to mourn, or to rejoice" "Ultimately there always is a choice" "Ah, so, you see... we're not so different, really, you and me" "Speak to me" "Of what?" "What is there to say?" "Too much, or nothing please try, anyway" "Well, I adore the number one one you, one me, one moon, one sun" "Must I revolve around you then?" "Am I the silver planet circling round the gold?" "Are you the source of light and heat, whilst I am shadow, pulling watery tides, and cold?" "You hear a meaning where there's none, I fear..." "I spoke of one" "A number, an idea, my preference for the single state, that's all" "Single is a word based on illusion life itself develops from a fusion" "Two is joining, letting go attraction and rejection, yes and no lt's not a solo but a sweet duet that's played to bring us here" "and the forget how it was before we met the other lt was two that brought us to the mother and desire that led us to the lover" "You're right, but now I'd like to speak of three" "Admit, there's you and him and now there's me" "Oh God, let's hide inside the number four a house with walls and with a door that closes on gas" "we've gone too far, I forgot, the thought that precedes one, the thought that's not" "the void, the vast and endless state of none containing, holding, god-like it's the one and only number that we really need naught is the majesty that rules our lives, unseen, and silently" "Nice, but a bit too mystical for me someone invented zero so that we could count and measure the unthinkably large unwieldy numbers" "And it was then, by multiplying to the power of ten, that we began to measure space and so to time..." " You tricked me!" " No!" "Yes you did, of course" "You start with one, then give yourself the source of all the numbers" "No, lovely lady, all I meant to say was this, you are the one" "The light of day, the velvet night the single rose, the hand I want to hold" "the secret country, land of all my longings, there, you have my word" "I used to lay the blondes who came my way" "And they were ready for it, night or day I'd look at them, I wouldn't say a word and they were on their backs as if they'd heard a heavenly command and then they'd cry, at first with pleasure, like they'd never had" "And then they'd phone you up and drive you mad" "The weeping and the wailing and the rest, they'd ruin it" "At first they were the best, those babes but now at last I've seen the light" "Temptation's there to teach us how to fight the devil comes in every shape and size those that resist him get the prize" "The prize is Jesus, thank the Lord above he is the maximum top source of love" "Now hold it there, some lasses may be tarts but they're not evil, they've got broken hearts" "They do it 'cause it's all they know they're used for sex when they are kiddies" "They're abused from start to finish then they're on the streets and taking drugs instead of eating sweets they haven't got a chance" "Back home l'd walk around and chat with them, sometimes, just talk..." "You'd what?" "Just talk?" "You're not that fucking good" "You'd fucking do it if you fucking could" "You know fuck all about my fucking life I know you're fucking skint, so did your wife" "You fucking leave that out of fucking this I'm only joking, can't I take the piss?" "The difference is I never had to pay" "Yes, so you fucking always fucking say no fucking woman's free of charge" "No way, you fancy one but there's no fucking lay unless you buy the drinks all fucking night lt's not the drinks, you have to treat them right, they want respect" " Respect?" " And dignity" "Oh, Jesus Christ I've seen the fucking light" "You fucking shag them then chuck them away and now you've got the fucking cheek to say that you respect them and they're fucking white and fucking blonde" "Oh, come on now, big boy you'll pull a girlie soon, don't start a fight I saw a woman once, upon a bus" "She was a foreigner, not one of us she sat alone, this tourist from the west her trembling bosom in a skin-tight vest" "The men were staring at her from behind the same scenario in every mind" " There was a television..." " On the bus?" "With fucking videos and all, like us?" "Don't interrupt what happened next?" "Poor lass..." "Each fucking Arab got a piece of ass" "An image came up on the shaking screen" "A porno movie!" "Fucking gang-bang scene!" "Shut up!" "He's right, the image was obscene but not the way you think lt was a girl, a young one, fair and fresh a lovely pearl with long fair hair that blew around her head like golden candy floss" "as she shot dead one man after another with her gun" "We stared, and sweated, as the blazing sun beat down upon the bus, but didn't care..." "She wore a costume that was hardly there a little piece of fabric round her hips and covering her breasts and on her lips some glossy red and every time she killed a man, her lips would open" "Yes, she spilled their blood with pleasure, and she wore a flag the cloth that covered her was not a rag, it was a symbol" "Stars and stripes, I swear this was a blonde American" "they share their women's bodies with the world, you see lt's true, they have no shame or modesty" "Come on now, lads it's not all black and white" "They may be wrong but you're not in the right" "Where he comes from the lasses wear the veil" "They've got no life it's like they're in a jain" "Too fucking right!" "Some wear those things like beaks" "They look like fucking crows give me the creeps" "Aye... they're oppressed" "But what about the vest?" "That one up front all trembling and the rest?" "She was a foreigner, therefore a guest and we were hosts, therefore we were polite" "That's all that happened?" "What a load of shite" "Hi gorgeous" "I am feeling fat, what do you think?" "Oh darling girl, you're lovely and you're more..." "You will have a stream of lovers who will adore you" "Not just for your eyes and glossy hair and for you slender body" "Don't despair, you are not fat, but even if you were" "You'd still be beautiful" "You see!" "You think I'm huge!" "I knew it!" "I did not interfere that you were over-large in any way" "What your god-mother is trying to say is this" "Grace, there is so much more to you than your reflection" "So much, more to do than stand and stare, obsessed with..." "You are not fat!" "Don't waste another breath of yours on that!" "But don't you worry about you?" "The lines and stuff?" "Pursuit of beauty is the rule" "They say you mustn't let it go without a struggle I will be there with color covering every hair that's grey and cutting straight away lf there's a wrinkle, wait and see I'll do it when I'm twenty-three" " How's school?" " Okay" " What interests you most?" " You mean:" "What's fun?" "I know you like to boast that you are a party girl without a brain I don't believe you grace, now try again lf you insist I suppose there's something I quite like to think about" "I find I lie in bed and then I start to drift and dream" "Things are not really as they seem" "That's true enough, look closer and we see that everything is really chemistry" "The world is made of sulfur and of tin of phosphorous and lead and nitrogen" "Of mercury, zinc and hydrogen" "Of gold and silver and uranium" "Of carbon and iron and palladium" "Of carbon, potassium, titanium" "So Grace, what do you really want to be?" "Famous" "I was a doctor with a knife I cut the flesh to save the life" "A surgeon, yes, my father too but I came here what could I do?" "I use my knife to cut the food, I do it well, I'm very good at cutting meat I chop, I dice the ham which I don't eat I slice it wafer-thin so delicate, like lady's lace" "It's very nice to look at silky to the touch I like my work, yes very much" "But surely, don't you feel you're wasting what you were?" "The task you trained for?" "Why did you choose to leave a country that could use your talents properly?" "No reason, why should I jump in plane and grieving, fly half way around the world?" "Perhaps yes!" "I forgot!" "I was a surgeon now the plot has changed the story been revised..." "The hero's been reduced, down-sized a lower kind of man, a cook!" "The kind of man you would not look at, is that what you want to say?" "Not good enough for you today?" "One night I saved a man from certain death I operate when he took a breath I knew that he was safe and I felt good I had done my job with skill the way I should" "I turned to go, but standing in the door, were three men that I knew but I was sure, they had not come to talk" "For it was late" "They carried guns and in their eyes was hate they told me I was wasting precious skill and time on someone that might later kill a child of theirs, or mine" "Before my eyes they shot him dead" "They said: you can't disguise one of "them" as a patient from now on you treat our people only, do you hear?" "I packed my bags at once, and I was gone" "They'd killed a man and murdered an idea that doctors answer to a human need without a thought of color, or of creed and then had the effrontery to claim that they had done it in my people's name" " lt's something that you wouldn't understand" " Oh but I do, you're not the only ones" "I feel your story in my blood and bones I see a father, calling to his son, I see the houses crumble, dust and stones" "I hear the gunfire, and the knock at night upon the door I see the women's fright, I hear the adolescent called to fight I see him march away in morning light and not look back, he knows his mother weeps" "She fears that she will lose another son, she's buried two already" "Listen to her litany as the tears glisten on her cheeks" "And to the bell that's ringing calling her to church to join the singing and to praise the Lord" "Yes I know of so called holy war you do not have to go so very far from here to find it" " You're looking good" " Well, thank you Kate... am I?" "I think I see a sparkle in your eye" "But as for me..." "I'm tired, my limbs are sore" "My feet are aching, oh l'm such a bore I'm sorry I've just been at home and you have gone half-way around the world" "How you can climb out of your bed at dawn when you've had 3 or 4 hours sleep at most" "But then you see, that's the difference between you and me" " l simply do not have your energy" " What nonsense, you're amazing" " You have far more stamina than me" " What was the conference about?" "They want an easy ethical way out so that the public doesn't have to feel we're killing living things" " But are you?" " Kate!" "I'm sorry, but you know I really hate to think of those poor little..." " They're y cells that's all they are" " Sorry!" " Do they feel pain?" " Why must I justify my work again?" " How are the children?" " Fine" "The little ones as usual are divine but of course the giantess is trouble" "She stays upstairs in the heap of rubble she calls her room and never talks to me I hear you took her out the other day, how was it?" "Lovely, for me, anyway" "Oh yes?" "But then..." "she so looks up to you..." "She thinks I'm dull, sometimes I wish that I could get away like you just take off on some sunny day one airport's like another I used to dream to travel... now I pack and unpack suits and shoes, that's all they see" "The haircut and the clothes, even with me" " l envy you..." " Envy... oh?" "Why?" "Because you're free to wear your ancient tracksuits all the time and t-shirts covered in your baby's slime" "Well thanks, that lovely portrait really gives a feeling for the life a mother lives" "A less important job, the one job I do" "Thank God our mothers did it, though you would not be here at all, nor would I" "Why is it that we always end this way?" "Competing for who suffers most?" "Perhaps you did it right: a single mum so-called 'open marriage' has become..." "We just can't talk... so many lies..." "Well, I guess that that's what happens when love dies" "Kate, you know us both, you're his friend too, I am really longing to say too much" " What has he said to you?" " Oh, nothing, really" "Oh lovely goddess, whore and tramp you are my love" "You light the lamp that guides me through the velvet night towards you" "Hold me, hold me tight" "Your voice, your paleness, your perfume, your presence haunts me ln my room I wait for you, filled with desire" "Your hungry look ignites my fire" "Oh lady, what then can I do but burn?" "I am in flames for you" "Before I knew you now I know I was not living" "This is so much more than anything I've felt" "My love: you hold me and I melt I am not solid anymore I am a feeling" "Call me whore, I'll ask for more!" "The names you give me names I never would forgive lf spoken to me in the street... somehow from you, my love... they're sweet" "What can I give you, lady luck?" "What other words and names?" "I'll fuck you as a mistress, as a queen I'll worship you with words obscene and ugly, all the more to show how I adore you" "Bring you low with language from the gutter" "Hear me now, I'll gently mutter things into your ear flowing streams of words from fantasies and dreams you've not confessed to anyone" "Yes please!" "Yes, say it all!" "Let forbidden thoughts be heard let the hidden parts be seen" "The only danger is that all the lonely private places you have been to might dissolve" "And you will be seen to blossom singing, dancing, humming" "Laughing... come here love" "You're coming" "Grace come in ls she here?" "Not now but come on in and wait, Grace, anyhow" "Do make yourself at home, come sit by me" "Something to drink?" "Perhaps you'd like some tea?" "No thanks" " How's school?" " Fine" "Not too much to say I see, well, Grace, you don't give much away you're very wise!" "I do my best" "But you don't have to do a thing you just have to be" "The rest comes later when you're old, like me I'm not that young and you are not that old" "You're sweet" "Grace... may I confide in you?" "Your godmother and I... she thinks I'm... cold but it's her... you see I have feelings too" " He said you're cold" " Who?" "Your husband" " Oh God, and what the hell was he..." " l came to see you, you were out" "And then he told me all about his secret feelings" "Oh, I see" "That must have been... exactly when?" "He held my hand as well" "Oh Jesus Christ, and then?" "I need to talk at the end of my day" "She feels I've compromised or lost my way, so she won't listen" "She will never learn what changing things, in practice, has to be" "She's like a student, her mentality is as it was when we first met all dreams, and talk and grand ideas and lofty schemes about society and truth" "I tried to do something to right the wrongs I somehow, am now the enemy" "Whilst she does science and retains integrity or so she thinks" "She always has to feel that she's the underdog the one who's real while I am false, somehow" "And I am English too of course, while she is Irish through and through" "The fact is that she left when she was ten!" "She grew up in America, but then it suits her to forget that on the whole" "She claims her roots and so can play the role of the oppressed" "Right, so tell me why she never seems to find the time to fly back home to see one of the very last true communists" "Her auntie in Belfast?" "To say those things to her he has abused us both" "She doesn't need to know how we have organized our marriage" "And then he said things about..." "She so looks up to me!" "I could kill him I could hoot him dead our god-daughter!" "I can't believe he said..." "Have you ever seen a body full of bullets?" " As a matter of fact..." " You people...?" " Who?" " Are so naive" "What?" "The stupid things that you believe, you think there is no pain that cannot be forgotten" "And no chain that fetters you that cannot be undone" "You're "free", but must defend that with a gun, a tank, a helicopter or a bomb" "So no-one thinks that way where you come from?" "Why suddenly accuse me in this way?" "I have a different point of view on life and death" "But is that true?" "You are a scientist and from the west you think you know it all, that you're the best" "One life of yours worth more than all the rest" "Hello?" "is it me that you are talking to?" "What do you know about my point of view?" "And, come to that, about the work I do?" "You do not seem to work much, anyway..." "I work at night, but you... here in the day..." "Jesus!" "What's going on?" "What did I say?" " lt seems that you know nothing of my life - l know that you are married, you're a wife" "A woman with a lover, in the day perhaps another one at night?" "Or two?" "I don't have lovers there is only you" "Oh shit, man, I was saved from as worse than sin" "My life as ugly, I ate out of bins" "You know I sank that low, I had no pride" "The dirt on me... and in my mouth..." "I lied with every breath I didn't have a friend left in the world..." "they gave up in the end lt was hopeless" "And it was all because I turned away from Jesus lt was hell, but then he found me and he made me well again" "Oh praise the Lord, the mighty one who gave this undeserving world his son" "You think it's you that fucking turned away?" "He saw your fucking face and thought: no way!" "Don't mock the man" "But look, I can't believe any father that would go and leave his son in such a mess" "Why didn't he come sooner?" " None of it makes sense to me" " Too right it don't, you've got to fucking think I'm God, you're dirt, I wash you in the sink of holy fucking water" "Well, what for?" "For one less sinner banging at the door of heaven when it's all too fucking late?" " The Lord is merciful - l fucking hate this crap" "There ain't no God, it's fucking shite and if there is, he's full of fucking spite" " lt's you that's negative" " Don't pick on me!" " l'm not, but every cunt's your enemy" " Too fucking right!" "If Jesus chose that fuck instead of me, now who's got all the luck?" "His heart is big enough for you as well if you repent your sins you're saved from hell" "He will forgive the things you've said today" "Just go down on your knees and start to pray" "Fuck off!" "You fucking wanker!" "There's no way!" "That wasn't what I fucking meant to say" " What did you mean?" " You picking on me too?" " l only asked" " What do you fucking do?" "Go down the fucking mosque?" "Dark fucking horse lnfidel!" "Oh, oh what?" "Of fucking course!" "You're a fanatic, one of them" "Be careful, lady" " Why, are you afraid?" " Don't be ridiculous" " The lamb has strayed" " What fucking lamb?" "The lamb of God's in hell" " He was in Paradise, and now he fell - l've had it with this fucking God and shit" "There ain't no paradise this fucking crap is it" "This country's full of wankers dressed in sheets asylum fucking seekers in our streets" "And taking all our fucking jobs, Arab wanks!" " Easy, easy" " No then what do they do?" "To give us thanks what the do they fucking blow us up!" " You've got it wrong" " That fucking jihad war, it won't be long" "The war is fought inside the soul of man" "He struggles, doing everything he can to overcome his base desires" "The part of him that's animal and has no heart" "The self that's primitive and has no mind, that's why there is a law Islamic law's not kind but it is fair" "A bomb's not fucking fair, you Arab shites are evil, you don't care" "To you we're all the same from over there, you're ignorant" " Now don't you fucking dare" " You celebrate your ignorance with joy" "You should be studying, you're just a boy and living on the street" "So fucking what?" "You fucking foreigners have stole the lot" "There ain't no fucking houses left for us you dirty mother-fucking load of pus" " Come off it, son, he didn't mean" " Boy, answer me, are your hands clean?" "I'm not an Arab if that's what you mean" " Then you may touch..." " This fuck's too fucking much!" "lnsult my people, you're insulting me I may have my doubts but now when I see an animal like you I'd rather be of any faith than be of none" "Go on then lady, give it to him, son" "is that what you need there?" "Out" " l need to see you" " Look I can't, not now" " Then later?" " No" " Tomorrow, anyhow?" " l cannot say" " You cannot say, why not?" " Some problems" "Well, me too... have you forgot?" "Look, it's... we need to talk, let's go away" "A small hotel a night or two I will pay" "Sorry" " How are you?" " Fine" "That's it?" "Don't nag l'm sorry, I don't follow you, could you repeat?" "Or is it that I ought to learn somehow to read your mind?" "I am sure that if I try I'll find a way... I'm going out" "Sometimes you are a bitch" "The bitch and nag: a lovely pair yes, do go out and get some air" "Why won't you fight?" "Why won't you shout?" "Then we could argue our way out" "Look, as it happens I am proud of my control" "You say out loud the first thing that occurs to you I don't behave like you and I am glad of that" "I try to do my best for us, don't sigh..." "Am I too much?" "Am I too much real?" "Perhaps with me you have to feel" "Feel what?" "The loss of all our dreams?" "The end of us?" "Some empty schemes to fill the void?" "Re-decorate the house perhaps, or celebrate my birthday or some other date..." "Our anniversary!" "Let's wake up somewhere else, let's take a break" "Lie on a beach and feel the ache of emptiness" "You're bored, you read a book" "And then we go and feed ourselves..." "at some expensive place you hate" "And so you pull a face at me as if the fault were mine" "You think it's good to feel I've failed?" "You think it's good to feel I've jailed you somehow in a boring, cold hell of a place where we grow old together wishing that we weren't?" "I've learned that not to feel at all is best" "There was a time when love was there, there must have been yes it was you who once said conversation was an aphrodisiac... because it flowed" "Like nectar, or like juice" "Oh, fuck it, fuck it, what's the use" " How is your Aunt?" " l don't know" " You didn't call?" " Not yet" " You are so..." " So what?" "Neglectful, don't you care?" "Of course I do!" "Oh don't you dare accuse me, fuck of course I care I care too much, I love my aunt, I'll call right now, oh fuck, it's far too late, but, anyhow..." "How could you say those things to Grace?" " What's going on?" " l can't go on like this" "Like what?" "What did I say?" "What did I miss?" "I need you, I need your body, need it so..." "What's wrong?" "And don't ring off again, don't go" " This is impossible" " What is?" "Tell me!" "Look in your heart and you will surely see that I have... acted... with sincerity" "But now the time has come to say... good-bye" "What?" "To say what?" "You can't... but... why?" "My body's been in your possession now I'm asking for it back, it once was mine" "But, everything I said was true" "However shipped you yes, you have been... divine" "I'm hearing something strange behind your honeyed words I feel a doubt so strong it's poisoning my mind..." "This bitter question must come out" "Asking's way beneath me, brother, for you said there was no other one for you I was your secret country" "And the land of all my longings" "So... who is she?" "No female body tempts me please believe me when I say that I'd never leave you for another woman" "Who could be the scarlet goddess you have been for me?" "Ah but I never asked for this but I never asked for this" "To be blinded groping for a kiss to be blinded groping for a kiss I am on fire I want to hit and attack I want to stab you in the back and make you feel the power of vengeance" "Sweet-talking man with your..." "your... hypocrite romance" "A hypocrite?" "I am not the lying kind" "What can I do to purify your mind?" "I need to wash you, yes, from head to toe" " What did you say?" " How can you doubt me so?" "Wash me?" "Do you see some dirt?" "Can you not see how your words hurt?" " Divinity..." " Don't call me that, it isn't me" "Through long afternoons I've felt your lovely arms about me" "Tasted you and known the charms of flesh on flesh, of skin of lovely skin" "But when your blood is calling it's a sin to turn away from them" "Now wait, blood?" "Sin?" "What's happening?" "I have remembered who I am" "The old and wisest men explain that all the love a woman gives distracts us" "We are told that riches wait for those who rise above temptation to obey a higher call you're asking me to turn away to fall from grace" "You cannot look me in the face and say that I fall from grace" "Do you really think I am unclean?" "A second-hand cunt, a fucking machine?" "A dirty distraction somehow obscene?" "I am not only your goddess or queen I'm a twenty-first century any damn thing that I choose, including your teacher or king!" "I named you goddess and queen, I crowned you" "Fuck you!" " Who do you think you are?" " l draw a line: you're not a king!" "That role is mine!" "Oh sir, excuse me, I forgot you are a son and I am not I am a daughter so inferior lt's you, your people feel superior you want to rule you want to spoil" "You want our land, you want our oil" "You call that civilize?" "Your country is a dragon breathing flames land of corporate fantasies, brand names" "Big Mac, Big burger, yes big everything" "And you blonde American are too thin, too fit, not womanly" "And then: your skin too pale, insipid" "And your eyes, too blue, why do you make me dream of you?" "So we are at war" " You terrorist - imperialist" " Bigot!" " Bitch!" "How did it come to this?" "You are confusing me with them" "Look, I am not just an American, I am Irish too" "So what?" "You all have roots somewhere" "But have forgot that you are anything but powerful" "The big Boss" "You hear our children screams but feel no lust because they are not yours" "That is not fair" "The things that they have done have not been in my name I do not feel pride I feel a deepening shame" "Look, I am an individual, I am me" "Me this, me that" " Each one of that is we, we are not alone - l know, look I agree, I am not your enemy?" "How did this start?" "From Elvis to Eminem Warhol's art, I know your stories" "Know your songs by heart but do you know mine?" "No" "Every time, I make the effort and I learn to rhyme in your English" "And do you know a word of my language, even one?" "Have you heard that 'al-gebra' was an Arabic man?" "You have read the Bible have you read the Koran?" "is this the reason you're rejecting me?" "Rejection?" "No, I don't reject but, yes, I do demand respect" "You say you want me, but as what?" "Your exotic, something other?" "Your, toy-boy, pet, your secret lover?" "You buy me with a credit card in restaurants" "You want me hard so you can melt" "Why can't you see that being wanted not for me, nor for my noble ancestry, but for my flesh" "Erodes my dignity" "Your pride is hurt, you feeling small and wounded" "But can I walk tall when people spit into my face because they fear me?" "Where's my place of pride and honor in this game where even to pronounce my name is an impossibility?" "I hear you, tell me more" "In your land I am not seen" "I am un-manned" "You can't imagine with the white-skinned sense of privilege and human rights you take for granted" "How I fight for every little thing" "Oh no" "Oh no, oh no" "Bye, I have to go I didn't call, I didn't call" "I didn't call" "You're late again don't worry, never mind I know you're busy it's the kind of life you lead" "But then, you chose it so I guess you want it" "Always to and fro, you never stop, unlike myself I'm here to stay, for just how long, who knows I fear it could be ages, it creeps up on you this funny business" "First a creak or two, your knees perhaps and, bingo!" "Then you're old and in a bed" "The thing is, no-one told me I'd have all this time but far too late to use it for the things I dreamed of" "Oh auntie" "Fate Delivers upside down and back to front I've more to say than ever, but they shunt me back and forth all day from bed to chair and back to bed again, it isn't fair" "All this experience I'd like to share not that it all adds up, not that you care" "I'd better stop, it's time for you to go already isn't it?" "Five minutes, oh, well maybe ten... you see, I never know when you'll be here again, it's such a blow" "Each time you leave, it's hardly worth your while to come at all, I mean it" "Don't you smile like that oh you'll be sorry when I'm dead I'm only joking, dear, I only said that for a laugh, although, of course it's true" "The questions that you never asked..." "yes, you will certainly regret a thing or two" "No one explained to me when I was young why time only goes forward" "Hold your tongue was what they said when I asked them about the universe and such" "And why we can't do all that much about it when we make a mess of things lf only a mistake could be corrected wind life back and start again..." "The second time we'd know the art of living, but we only get one go" "No dress rehearsals, this one is the show and we don't know it... I don't see the rhyme or reason in this so-called grand design..." "But then I don't believe, there is no sign of him up there as far as I'm concerned" "See... if there's one thing that I've truly learned it's this: it's down to me" "And you, of course" "Each one of us is it, we are the source of all the bad... and of the good things too" "Well, out with it, what's happening with you?" "At last you've got some color in your cheeks I haven't seen you look this way in weeks" "Or maybe months it even could be years" "Don't tell me... you're in love, aren't you my dear?" "Not with that English chap, what a mistake!" "I knew it from the start lt only takes another one to come along and then your heart tells you that frankly speaking, men are not all equal" "Some are better, love lt's just another trick from that one up above if He exists, which He, or She, does not" "Unless I didn't notice, or forgot but I've a perfect memory... I lie here running through the lot, I think I'll die with all that information tucked away" "I'd trade in all of it for just one day, in Cuba" " Auntie?" "What did you say?" " You heard me, Cuba I'd love to see the place, the people the reality of how it all turned out" "And Castro..." "Castro gave us hope he did oh yes, he's better than the Pope... I'd love to shake his hand" " You should go soon" " Yes I tell you, we'll be living on the moon before we have another go like that" "A great big dream that's fallen pretty flat in all the other countries where they tried they'll regret it" "Communism died, but what came in it's place?" "A load of greed, a life spent longing for things you don't need" "If and when I die I want to see you cry I want to see you tear your hair your howls of anguish fill the air I want to see you beat your breast and rent your clothes and all the rest" "And, sobbing, fall upon my bed I want to know that I am dead" "I want to know I'm part of you and that you cannot bear me being torn away I want to see you dressed in black with red-rimmed eyes from sleepless nights of grieving I want to hear you protest at me leaving" "I want to see you in each other's arms, and wailing" "See you kick a chair and punch the wall and see you, moaning, fall upon the ground and scream I want to know this isn't just a dream" "I want my death to be just like my life I want the mess, the struggle, and the strife I want to fight and see you fight for me I want to hear your last regrets, the things you wish you'd done and said" "In fact I'd like that just before I'm dead" "Don't let them put you off or make you go, or say it's bad" "For me, or makes it hard for me to leave... it won't be true I want to see you grieve" "Don't let me drown in silence all pious and polite..." "Let's make a lot of noise!" "A different kind of light will fill the room I want my death to wake you up and clean you out" "And as I end I'll hear you shout" " No, no" " But I will go" "No, please don't die" "Life is so short and precious, let's not waste what we've been given" "Look, we have not faced the truth" "Even the rages we express perhaps contain the seeds of happiness" " Let's go..." "let's go to Cuba" " What?" "Far away" "From everyone, we've never spent a day and night together, only an hour or two" "Let's take the time for just me and you..." " l'm in Beirut" " You are?" "I have a friend we trained and worked together ln the end he stayed he's married, now he has a son" "There's only one life, this is it" "Let's seize the time, I'll send a ticket to you..." "I'll go on ahead..." " lt's many years..." " Since you have been there?" "My auntie died, she died, my aunt is dead" "You'll have a lot to say, a lot to share, I'll send the ticket anyway" "Dirt doesn't go, it just gets moved around" "Some things get burnt or buried in the ground" "But fire makes smoke and soot and greasy grime" "And buried stuff crops up after a time... lt travels slowly, one could say it creeps" "It's all the water underneath, it seeps" "God gave us eyes that do not see too much or we'd go mad" "We'd never want to touch a bed again, a sofa or a chair lf we could see the things that live in there" "There's millions of them loads of things with legs" "They fornicate and then they lay their eggs..." "They think our dirt is lovely, they survive by eating what we shed" "They are alive because bits of us are dead" "Now, smaller than the mites are germs" "Well, we do what we can, we scrub and scrub but they fly when we sneeze on drops of moisture packed out with disease then all we have to do is take a breath and they're inside us fighting to the death" "It's not just germs, it seems they're not the worst" "There's viruses, some say they were the first things to exist, and 'cause they are so small" "They can't be cleaned away, no, not at all" "Not ever, that's why, really, in the end there's no such thing as spotless..." "You just send the dirt to somewhere else, push it around" "The work is endless that is what I've found" "Maybe this earth is just a ball of fluff" "Some great big cleaner out there said: enough" "And that is how we all survived, why not?" "We're just the parasites that God forgot" "The point is this, we never disappear despite it being what we all most fear" "We're certainly not finished when we die" "However hard the undertakers try every single creature feeds another" "Everyone is everybody's mother..." "or, at the very least, a kind of host" "When we expire perhaps we change, at most, but never vanish" "No, we leave a stain a fingerprint, some mess" "Perhaps some pain, some fear or doubt in someone else's heart" "Mum?" "We leave a mess in fact, when we depart" "God if you exist..." "I need to confess" "Please speak to me, just once don't make me guess your point of view for l might get it wrong... I know I have strayed so far I don't belong in any church of yours I sang the song of science yes, I sang it every day" "But, I could argue, that is how I pray" "For twenty years, God, can it be?" "I've cut, dissected, carefully and with respect each living cell a source of wonder" "Yes I tried to see to penetrate your mystery" "The point is, God, you never lie but you have secrets so have I" "Now all I was has turned to ash and doubt" "Others tasted me and even stabbed me up" "First is blossom, then there is decay lmpermanence will never go away ln fact it is the only certainty" "There come a time when I used to be but not quite yet" "Oh God" "Can you forgive me for not..." "for not... believing in you?" " Seniora?" " Si?" "Senior" "When you look closer nothing goes away lt changes, see, like night becomes the day and day the night" "but even that's not true:" "It's really all about your point of view" "Depending where you're standing on the earth... ln the end, it simply isn't worth" "Your while to try and clean your life away" "You can't, for, everything you do or say is there forever lt leaves evidence ln fact it's really only common sense there's no such thing as nothing, not at all" "It may be really very very small but it's still there ln fact I think I'd guess that 'no' does not exist, there's only 'yes'" "Subtitled By:" "Nizar Ezzeddine" "== Yes =="