"The address of a point P is given by two real numbers indicating the positions of the perpendicular projections." "Now, this will" "Don't touch that." "I gotta play it where it lies." "Mr. Cahill?" "Mr. Babbitt?" "Mitch, this'll just take a second." "Ooh, this is a tough lie." "Would you please get out of my classroom?" "Mitch, I want to be here about as much as your students do." "But I hit a bad shot." "You are faculty members." "What kind of example are you setting?" "Well, at the moment, not a very good one." "I'm two over par." "I keep telling him he'll never get full range of motion wearing that jacket." "You're not getting my jacket, Calvin." "Don't worry, Mitch, it'll take a sec." "And you can get back to your lecture." "Hey hey hey, show your teacher some respect." "Move it, nerd, I got a long backswing." "Mmm, tricky angle." "Yes, it is." "But this is a geometry class, right, kids?" "All right, so if I want to put this sphere through that rectangle and draw it left over the water fountain hazard, what is the amount of force required for the necessary velocity?" "That's not geometry, that's physics." "Oh, then we're in the wrong class." "I'm gonna take my mulligan." "I'm killing him." "Love the hat." "You don't look at all silly in it." "I like it." "It reminds me of the hat my grandma was wearing when we found her." "Mitch, I saw Principal Wiggins in the parking lot." "Her ass looked unkissed." "I resent that Mr. Cahill." "Oh, I better get busy on her cocoa." "So I didn't see you last night at the bar." "23rd invite, 23rd no show?" "My "Welcome Alice" banner is starting to look pretty tattered." "Look, last night was a Tuesday night." "Why would I go to a bar on a Tuesday night?" "Because it was open." "I had to grade papers, make my lesson plan, phone parents with progress reports." "Mmm, I love it when you talk like a teacher." "Are you quite finished?" "Alice, for the past six months, I had showered you with compliments and given you several clever nicknames." "Those don't just happen." "No no, I'm sure it took a long time to come up with "Buckingham Alice."" "I'm also very proud of "Westminster Blabby."" "You know, there are plenty of other women that I could flirt with." "Really?" "Like who?" "You don't think I'll find a substitute?" "Because I will find a substitute." "Morning, people." "I'd like everyone to welcome Ms. Torres, the history substitute." "Eerie, huh?" "You saw her in the parking lot." "Almost crashed my car into the art building." "Well, I'm off to delight her then." "Please do." "Last chance to stop me." "But curiously, I'm not moving." " Hi, I'm Jeff Cahill." " I have a boyfriend." "Um, that is an unusual name." "Do I detect some Native American blood?" " Let's start over." "I'm Jeff Cahill." " I have a boyfriend." " Jeff Cahill." " Boyfriend." " J.C." " B.F." " How'd that go?" " It's on." "Hey, Dick." "We got a problem." "You know that skinny English lady?" "What's her name?" "Crazy hat." "Yeah, she's putting herself up for faculty chair." "I know my Alice and she does not wanna be faculty chair." "Faculty chairs have to form committees." "Change syllabi, create after-school activities." "Oh, my God, that is right up her dainty British alley." "When a well meaning do-gooder gets a job like that you know who suffers?" "Work dodgers and apathetics like us." "People, this is a life changing event." "And I don't know about you, but I love my life." " You hate your life." " I do hate my life." "I'll tell you something." "She'll make me hate it even more." "So, what do we do?" "We gotta get one of our own people in there." "Someone who's lazy and unmotivated." "Someone who doesn't wanna change anything." "I don't think so, guys." "I'm pretty tired." "But I do know someone that would be perfect for the job." "All right, I'll do it." " For his jacket." " Give him the jacket." "You can't have my jacket." "And you're so gay for even wanting my jacket." "It'll look boxy on you anyway." "Not if I get it tailored." "You're both gay." "Give him the jacket." "Excuse me." "Now, as many of you know, I usually appoint the chairs." "But when Mr. Babbitt and Ms. Fletcher both expressed interest," "I decided to open the floor to the entire faculty." "Partly because it's fair." "But mainly because I don't wanna face any charges of racial bias where I not to choose Mr. Babbitt, who many of you know is--is black." "I did not know that." "Isn't that strange." "I don't see color." "All right, here's the campaign strategy." "You keep your mouth shut, I'll hand out tasty cakes." "Quick relationship thing." "My posse has an issue with you running for faculty chair." "Your posse?" "What, you mean Mr. Green and Calvin?" "Yep, that's my posse." "And I gotta stick with them because they're my posse." "Unless you go out with me tonight, because let's be honest, that is one sad posse." "I'm not going out with you, Jeff." "Just as well." "Because things are getting pretty crazy with the substitute." "I guess you could say that she's kind of my girlfriend now." "Oh, and what would she say?" "Besides who are you and why are you staring at my cleavage?" "There she is now." "I should probably go talk to her." " Hi, can I have one of these cakes?" " Those are for people that are voting." "So beat it, sub." "Come on, Dick, give her one of those cakes." "Here you go." "Thank you." "I thought we'd split it." "Good to know." "See you tomorrow." "See you tomorrow." "See you tomorrow." "See you right now." "I hate to keep harping on this." "You'll have the Hamlet paper tomorrow." "Patrick, if you flunk this paper, you flunk the class." "And let me tell you why that's a bad thing." "'Cause I'll be cheating myself out of an education." "Oh, yeah." "That for sure." "But it also creates a mountain of paperwork for me." "And really eats into my "not doing paperwork" time." " You'll have your paper tomorrow." " All right." "Hey, I'm sorry I took your cake earlier." "No problem." "You just spent the morning subbing at one of New Jersey's most average to below average high schools." "You needed a treat." "Well, anyway, it was a very nice thing you did." "So how about a beer?" "You brought beer to school?" "I'm appalled." "It came with the desk." "Well, I'm only here for one day." "So what are they gonna do, fire me?" "Sadly, no." "Not even if you walk around with it in the hallway." "Also, good to know." "So, this is nice." "Kind of like we're on a date." "I wonder what your boyfriend would think." "I don't have a boyfriend." "I just tell that to guys who come up on me with that look." "But now I know you're gay, so it's all good, girlfriend." " I'm not gay." " Oh, sure you are." "You and your friend sharing your jacket and everything." "It's very cute." "I'll have sex with you right now if you want to know how not gay I am." "Uh, not interested." "I like tall guys." "That's good, because I don't like girls with big boobs." "Very few gay men do." "Uh, do you know where we can get some more beer?" "There's a liquor store 201 feet away from the school." "I know it's far, but that's the law." "Wow, two beers." "What happens when you drink tequila?" "Okay, wait, listen." "I don't want you to have the impression that I go from school to school have sex with people." "That job should exist." "But now, I don't think that." "Okay, wait, and before we really get going here," "I just want to make sure you and I are on the same page." "I am not looking for a relationship." "I am not even looking for a phone call from you tomorrow." "I just want to have some fun, drift off to sleep and wake up alone." "Are you gonna be able to handle that?" "One second." "Just wanted to make sure you were real." " I didn't do it." " What?" "You didn't have sex with her?" "What's wrong with you?" "Look, don't give me a hard time about this." "It took everything I had to walk out of that room, get into my car, stop off at the video store, and go home." "You know, I'd like to think that our friendship could survive something like this." "But I'm not so sure." "I'm gonna tell Dick." "What?" "No no no." "Don't tell Dick." "I'm all he's got." "His wife took away his Internet access." "Look, I know it would have been unbelievable." "But I kind of couldn't do it." " Because of Alice." " Alice?" "!" "Yes?" "Oh, uh, just taking roll call." "Bob?" "I've had plenty of one night stands." "They're fun and exciting, but when they're done, there's nothing." "Yes!" "No?" "I'm not sure how to respond to that." "I just think I want more." "Man, Alice is mature and serious." " So am I." " Oh, please." "You laugh every time someone says, "Penal colony."" "Sure, I can't help it." "Look, all I know is I passed a big test last night." "I resisted temptation." "And I'm talking serious temptation." "You don't have to tell me." "I'm looking at her." "Everyone." "And settling." "Settling." "Settling." "You all remember Ms. Torres, our substitute." "Well, I am proud to announce she is the newest full time member of our faculty family." "I'm gonna go hide in the bathroom." "In other news, there has been a fascinating development in the vote for faculty chair." "We have a tie!" "18 votes for Mr. Babbitt, 18 votes for Ms. Fletcher." "And one for Mr. Link." "You guys." "In his own handwriting." "We're going to have a revote tomorrow." "And since Ms. Torres is now a permanent faculty member, she will be voting also." "I have some papers for you to sign." "It's just school policy." "You know, speaking of which, you might want to pull the curtain on your little burlesque show." "Are you gonna hide from Tina forever?" "Not at all. 'Cause you know what I realized when I was cowering behind the trash can in the hallway?" "I am a hero." "Sure, a white guy behind a trash can's a hero." "A black guy's homeless." "Hear me out." "By turning down sex with one woman in favor of another," "I have done what few men can do." "And Alice needs to know." "But I can't tell her, 'cause it's a little tacky." "So you have to tell her." "And don't mention the sex part." "And don't mention the Tina part." "Oh, I'll do it." "Alice, I need to talk to you." "Wait a minute." "You didn't make a joke." "Do you mind if we sit down?" "Okay, is this a trick involving a thumbtack in my bottom?" "Look, something happened last night." "Something totally unexpected." "Okay, how can I say this?" "Name something that you can't resist." "Um, a perfectly brewed pot of tea." "Are you kidding?" "Oh, so imagine you had the perfectly brewed pot of tea, all right?" " And this tea is hot." " Of course it's hot." "No, you weren't there." "You have no idea how hot it was." "I'm not following." "Okay, look, something happened last night." "I can't tell you what it was, but it made me think that you and I should give this a try." "Oh, God, Jeff." "Are we really back to this?" "Look, I do think you're cute and funny." "But really, I'm just not interested." "Sorry, all I heard was cute and funny." "I've got to go." "No no no no, those bells don't mean anything." "Well, they do to me." "And by the way, that is why this is never gonna happen." "You know, I take teaching seriously." "I put it ahead of everything else." "But..." "Why did you become a teacher, anyway?" "To get that big book with the answers in the margin." "Ah, a joke." "What a surprise." "Calvin told me what you didn't do last night." "That's just..." "I never thought I'd see you again." "Ms. Wiggins called, asking if I was interested in a full time job." "And as you know, I like my beer." "And beer don't buy itself, so I took it." "Well, I'm sorry that I had to rush out on you last night." "No, no, it's okay, I get it." "You know, that's the life of a volunteer fireman." "Yeah, I'm not actually a fireman." "So that four alarm fire at the banana factory was made up?" "The sad thing is, one day when there is a fire at the banana factory, you won't believe me." "I gotta tell you, Jeff... not a lot of guys have walked out on me." "Not a lot of guys are as dumb as I am." "Look, we're gonna be working together." "So I hope we can be friends." "Yeah, probably." "Um, you know, I could use a ride home tonight." "All right, I'll give you a lift." "I just wish I had the fire truck." "I would have let you ring my bell." "Night, Mitch!" "Thanks, I just had them whitened." "Okay, Patrick, you realize that your term paper is just a bunch of Xeroxed pages from the World Book." "Yeah, well, I didn't think you'd make me sit here while you read it." "Okay, Patrick, you can't write this paper because you're thinking of Hamlet as this boring guy who speaks in rhymes." "All right, Hamlet is you." "If he had to write this paper, he'd be pacing the floors doing his, "To write the paper or not to write the paper" speech." "Okay, become better acquainted with the play and you will love that joke." "So you're saying Hamlet's like me?" "Yes, that's what I meant when I said Hamlet is you." "Let me guess, sometimes you think your girlfriend's crazy." "You can't talk to your parents." "And your friends don't understand you half the time." "True." "That's what Hamlet was going through." "That's what you should write about." "How it relates to you." "In fact, you know, don't even write it." "Go home, read it again." "Really read it." "Come back after school and we'll talk about it." " Thanks, Mr. Cahill." " All right." "Hey, by any chance, is your mom sleeping with your uncle?" "No." "All right, then there might be some things you won't relate to." "How you doin'?" "Hello." "I just came for my hat." "And did you train your scarf to find it?" "Let me help you there." "Were you spying on me?" "Well, I... concealed myself while I was listening to you." "So if you must label it, then yes, I guess spying fits the bill." "But I don't think a liar should be judging a spy-er." "And how am I a liar?" "You're a teacher." "That is true." "But at bars I tell girls that I'm the punter for the Giants." "I heard what you said." "You taught that boy Hamlet in your own special way." "On your own time to a kid that most people would write off." "Why won't you admit you like teaching?" "Because I don't." "What is so horrible about people knowing you're a good teacher?" "So, hypothetically, if a guy told you that he loved teaching... so much that it embarrassed him." "And the way he dealt with that was to pretend like none of it really mattered." "And he then told you that everyday when he gets to school, he can't wait to get in front of those kids and see their faces when they start to get it." "If a guy told you that... hypothetically, what would happen?" "Um..." "Well, it might make me think I misjudged that guy." "Hey, how about that ride?" " Hello." " Hi." " Just give us a second?" " Yeah." "No, that's fine." "I just came for my hat." "Uh, this hat?" "You ready?" "Yeah." "Don't you take anything home?" "What kind of a teacher are you?" "I'm not a teacher, I'm the punter for the Giants."