"This Thursday was mental." "Thursday night in Babylon used to be '70s night but they changed it." "Thursday night is '90s night, which makes you feel ancient." "Thanks very much." "I spent all night chasing after some bloke who turns out to be mad." "Like, really mad." "He had every episode of Juliet Bravo on tape." "(Dance music, chatter)" "'So, it's getting late, lights on." "'l haven't copped off, Phil's not copped off and Stuart...'" "Stuart's copped off." "Oi, Vince!" "Wait there." "Don't move." " Where are you going?" " You've copped off." " l'm just getting his telephone number." " Did he swallow it?" "I'll be ten minutes." "Wait by the Jeep." "You've gotta get me home." "Wait for me!" "So, he brings the car, gives you the keys so you can't drink, then he buggers off." "Nice system." " l'll give him ten minutes. I don't mind." " He's still looking." " He is not." " He is so." "(Vince) He's all muscles." "I don't cop off with muscles." "I mean, what happens?" "He takes his kit off" " Marky Mark." "I take mine off" " Norman Wisdom." "I had a bloke with muscles once." "Great." "Like being let loose on a bouncy castle." " He's still looking." " (Cockney accent) Shut it!" " Shut it!" " Pat'll go mad." " Shut it!" " (Horn beeps)" "'Sometimes, you're halfway through a shag and you just get bored of him." "'So you wank him off in a doorway and move straight on." "'Cos you keep on looking." "That's why you keep going out." "'There's always a new bloke, a better bloke, just waiting round the corner." "'And that was the night he came along." "'The one-night stand that never went away.'" "(Music, chatter)" "Excuse me..." "I'm just looking." "I mean, what's the best place to go?" "Depends on what you're after." "If you want bastards, you go in there." "And if you want wankers, go in there." "And if you want selfish, little, mincing, piss tart dickheads, then pick a building, any building." "It's full of them." "(Woman) Bernie!" "Don't be so daft." "Don't listen to her." "It's just a T-shirt!" "She's off her head, she's been drinking!" "Bernie!" "The first time I copped off, I was in school." "Mr Daniels, PE." "We're chatting away, football, or something and he's getting his gear off." "Big, hairy bloke." "Nice." "So I keep talking." "We're in his office." "He's got this cubicle, like his own private shower." "Next thing, he's stark bollock naked." "Fantastic." "I'm still talking away like a twat and he gets in the shower, pulls the curtain, half pulls it." "Now, I'm twelve years old, I'm thinking "aye aye"." "So..." "I got in the shower with all my clothes on." "I did." "I must have been scared to death... but I don't remember being scared." "Had a good night?" "Yeah." "I'm Stuart." "(Exasperated grunt)" " Got somewhere to go?" " No." "Wanna come back to mine?" "I was fifteen." "I did it the first time I went out." "I'm quite proud of that." "I'm dead proud of that." "My first time out." "Stuart Alan Jones." "He's looking down at me." "Like the face of God." "OK." "Bastard!" "Oh, leave me alone." "Sod off back to the gym." "Nice kitchen." "It's great, it's really nice." "I never cook." "Takeaways - that's me." "I'm always eating takeaways." "Pizza." "Mind you, I've gotta be careful." "I can't eat anything. I've got this thing." "It's called, like, anaphylactic shock." "Your throat swells up." " Packet of peanuts could kill me..." " You staying out here or what?" "We had this barbecue... last summer..." "Oh, what is he like?" "Go...away." " Nice car." " Yeah. lt's not mine." " This where you live?" " Yeah." "Look, it's nice to meet you but I'm up early tomorrow and I was up early this morning and I'm working shifts and I'm really tired." "Are we shagging, or what?" "It's pissing down." "So what do you like doing?" "I like watching telly." " What do you like doing in bed?" " Er, this is fine." "Rimming?" " Yeah." " Excellent." "Go on, then." " What'd you mean, exactly?" " (Phone)" "Yeah?" "No." "No, when?" "When did that happen?" "Why didn't you phone me?" "Of course I've been out." " (Stifled groan)" " Jesus Christ!" "Do you have to?" "No, it's just some bloke." "What's your name?" " Nathan." " Nathan, say hello to Lisa." " Hello." " So where is she now?" "Yeah?" "Right." "Okey-doke." "Right, well, thanks for that." "Gotta go." "God, you've got everything." "Manga." "Me dad's into manga." "You got any porn?" " One or two." "Yeah?" " Anything good?" "American stuff." "I've got some Cadinot." "It's much better." "It's actually got a plot." "This one's good." "Service Actif." "Been trying to find Service Actif Deux." "Apparently, it's been deleted. I can't s..." " Shall I put it on?" " l haven't got time, really." "Can we just get on with it?" "Sorry, but it's nearly three o'clock." " Fine." " (Belt unbuckling)" "(Phone)" " l'd better just..." " Can't you just leave it?" "I've, erm..." " Hello?" " Vince." "Emergency." "I need the car. lt's happened." "No." "No!" "When?" "Hours ago. I can't believe it." "My mobile was off." "Who phoned you?" "Lisa?" "What happened?" "Who was there?" "There was no one there." "Just those women." "God." "Oh, my God." "Oh-ho-ho, my God!" "Look, I really can't stay long." "Who's that?" "You've got someone there." "'Er, er, no, really, it's fine.'" "Forget the car, we'll get a taxi." "You've copped off." "That's a first." "No, really, really, I haven't." " l'll get the car." " 'Don't you dare.' l'll get a cab." "Shag him blind, kick him out, I'll see you there." " 'No, really, really, I...' - (Beep)" "It's my friend." "His mother's in hospital." "They think it's serious." " l'll have to go." " That's a pity." " l was really looking forward to that." " Me too." "I'll phone you a taxi." " What's happened?" " Everything." "I'll have to go, anyway. I've got college." "College...or school?" "Sixth-form college." " How old are you?" " 18." "What year were you born?" " 1981 ." " Bollocks." "You had to think about it." "No one has to think about what year they were born." "How old are you?" "16." "How old are you, really?" "15." "(Driver) ls it on account?" "(Stuart) Yeah." "(Vince) Where've you been?" "(Stuart) Come on." "(Vince) You had to bring him, didn't you?" "Oh, my God." " (Baby crying)" " Oh, my God." "Here he is." "This is him." "Hold his head." "Careful." "Started this morning." "Ten o'clock tonight, there he was." " l wanted to be there." " No, you didn't." "It's like a car crash down there." "Oh, God." "Funny shaped head." "He's..." "Ugly, aren't they?" "He doesn't look like me." "We weren't talking about names, because that's up to you and Romey." "But I just looked at him and said, "Frederick?"" " l quite like it." " What, in an ironic sort of way?" " Yeah." " No, it's not ironic enough." "What about Alfred?" "That way, you've still got the Fred bit." "Run a check on Alfred." "Alf Roberts, Alfie, Michael Caine." "Alf - that American sitcom with the puppet - bit dodgy." "But that's forgotten by the time he's in school." "Unless it's on cable." "I bet they've got it on Bravo." "Oh." "Alfred's the name of Batman's butler - marvellous." "Good name." "Alfred." "What do you think?" " Great." " He's mine." "Aren't you going to introduce us?" "Er, what was your name again?" " Nathan." " Oh, you've met." "Lisa was on the phone" " when Nathan shot his load all over me." " For God's sake." "Well, he did." "He's 15, aren't you, Nate?" " You both had a child on the same night." " He's brought the trophy cabinet." "The most important phone call of my life and he was there. I couldn't leave him." "You wanted to come, didn't you?" "Yeah." "Romey, what the fuck have we done?" "Oh, shit." "Yes, yes, yes." "Take off your watch." "(Nurse) Excuse me, please." "(Porter) Mind your backs." "Yes, yes, yes." "You're good, Vince." "You'll do good things." " Could you tell if I had cancer?" " Why would you have it?" " l always think I've got cancer." " She'll love it." "Yeah, thanks, bye." "Bloody Ken - he's sending flowers." "I should have got flowers." "Nathan, get some flowers, quick as you can." "You can't use your mobile." "You'll switch off the iron lungs." "There's a thought - l should have a cigar." "You don't have to do what he says." "I..." "I don't mind." "I'll, erm, just get some... (Low talking, coughing)" "(Vince) Blimey, bit nippy." "Look, you can see my mother's house from here." "Come on, let's go back down." "It's weird, isn't it?" "I mean, he's real." "Just seeing him, it's like... I dunno what it's like. I mean, it's brilliant." "But it's weird." "The most expensive wank I've ever had." "Oh, that's right, top yourself." "That's what they do in soaps." "Birth and death in the same episode." "Get down." "You've gotta be responsible now...dad." "That's it." "Arms out." "Titanic!" " King of the world!" " l'm always Kate Winslet." "King of the world!" "Congratulations." "Oh, my God." "Vince, hard-on." "I have not." "I didn't know you cared." "No one's looking." "Go on, get it out, get it out." "Fuck off." "Six months since I've had a shag." "It's like Pavlov's dogs." "You sad bastard." " Stuart." " Had him." "You're going home." "You're going to sleep, you're getting up and you're going to work." "Then, you can work hard for the next 20 years." "You've got a kid to look after now." "Absolutely, I promise." "Yes." "Want one?" "All right, more for me." "Right." "Nathan, let's go." "It's all getting a bit lesbian in here." "My waters have broken!" "(Stuart) He's a calendar, that kid, he's a clock." "A great big stopwatch just staring me in the face." "As he gets older, that's all he can do." "Do you know what that means?" "I'm getting older." "(Sniggers) Mind you... they don't always live. (Laughs)" "Meningitis - that's a good one." "(Vince) Stuart, what have you taken?" "That's not E. You only took it five minutes ago." " What is it?" " Don't know. lt was expensive." "You don't even know what you're taking." "You twat." "Hmm." " (Horn beeps, tyres screech)" " Shit!" "Fuck!" "Look, leave him alone." "I'll take him home." "I'm gonna fuck you. I'm gonna fuck you all night, yeah?" "is that what you want?" "I'm taking him home." " l'm going with him." " Good boy. (Laughs)" "(Nathan moaning)" "(Gasping)" "No one told you about that, did they?" "That's it." "Slowly." "That's all of them." "All the football team." "All the what?" "All of them - naked and in shorts. (Laughing)" "And the referee's going, "Yes...yes...yes..." ""ln we go."" "(Gasps) Slowly." "Really." " 'Ahh!" "' - 'Die.'" " 'l will bring Sutekh's gift of death...' - ..gift of death..." " '..to all humanity.' - ..to all humanity." "(Alarm bleeps)" "(Car alarm)" "Oi!" "You little bastards." " You poof!" " We seen you!" "We seen you!" "You fucking queer!" "For fuck's sake." " What the hell is that?" " You did this map of all the places you've had a shag." "It starts out Manchester, but that bit's Denmark and then you went to New York." "All right, I know." "You might have stopped me." "I'll have to get it painted again, now." "Shit." "It's the pens." "I've gotta get rid of the pens." "Right, well, gotta go." "God, the state of me." " What happened to the car?" " Vince took it." " Good, he'll bring it back." " Can I have a shower?" "Hurry up, then." " Oh, what is that?" " lt's the Millennium Dome." " You met that bloke..." " That wasn't ecstasy." "That fucking Anita." "I bet she sold me dog-worming tablets again." "Go on then, shower!" "I'm such a twat. I am such a twat." "'Don't panic. lt's Romey, I'm in hospital." "The contractions have started...'" "Fuck, I've got a baby." "Why doesn't anyone stop me?" "It's not my fault." "They should stop me." "Hey." "He's here." "Oh, excellent." "Well done, Vince." "Then don't give me the car." "I've warned you before." " lt was those kids." " Doesn't matter." "Company car." "Now, let's get our little lad to school." "What's his name again?" "(Boy) Saw him down the chippy, and he said, "No."" "And I said, "You did." Just a liar, isn't he?" " (Girl) She went mental." " (School bell)" "(Chatter, indistinct)" "(Vince) Pull in." "(Stuart) He's going to school." " Pull in here." " l'll take him to the door." "So?" "Ooh!" "(Boy) ls that your mum?" "First lesson - home economics." " Batty man." " You twat." "(Boys puckering)" " Can I see you again?" " Let's just go." " Can I see you again?" " You can see me now." " Nathan, where've you been?" " Piss off." "Aw, now, your little friend." " l could meet you tonight." " God knows where l'll be." " l could be in Ipswich." " Come on, boys, give us a kiss." "I'll give you a good fuck, you tight little virgin." "We're going now, Stuart." "Just shut your face and drive." " Can I see you, though?" " Oh, you'll see me all right." "You can't miss me." " (Wolf whistle)" " Who's the bloke, Maloney?" "Your boyfriend?" "(Boy) You poof." "(Boy laughing) What's he doing?" "I was just a shag. I knew that." "I suppose I fell in love a bit." "Like you do." "I thought, "l'll never see him again"." "How was I to know?" "Stuart Alan Jones." "Six months later, he was begging me to stay." " The chicken has landed." " Shit." "He said he loved me." "Come on up." "You're friends with a cunt."