""You are not alone." "Conflict is coming."" "That is the message we received." "Conflict?" "Is that a threat?" "No, sir." "It's more like a warning." "This message was sent to us by a friendly alien race known as Antarians." "They wanna help us." "Do we need help?" "The Antarians aren't the only ones to have found us." "Enemies are already on their way." "Luckily, it's a great distance, and it will take many years before they can reach us." "The Antarians have offered us a gift, this unique suit of power that one person will wear as our champion." "It will take many decades to transport that suit to us so we have selected a child gifted with both incredible intelligence and athletic prowess." "He will spend his entire life training." "We will push him to achieve perfection, and then improved perfection." "And after perfection is achieved, we'll double the score." "As he grows more mature, we'll test him in every way imaginable." "We will prepare him for anything the universe can throw at him." "Yah!" "Aahhh!" "One final question, what if this champion fails?" "Sir, are you familiar with the Greek hero Perseus?" "When Perseus was sent forth to defeat the Gorgon, he was armed with four gifts from the heavens:" "The helm of Hades... the winged boots of Hermes... the shield of Athena... and the sword of Zeus." "And with the power of these gifts combined," "Perseus was victorious." "Sir, our Perseus, our Champion of Earth, will not fail... because he will not know how to." "Perfect score, sir." "Good." "Training's over." "Soon, the entire universe will know the full potential of the human race." "LAZER TEAM Subrip:" "Pix" "Country music" "Hey there, Gloria." "Going kind of fast." "Don't make me run you in." "God, I hate Friday nights." "What a night here at Milford Stadium, where the Mustangs are up by 21 points with two minutes left on the clock." "Ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight, former Milford MVP, Herman Mendoza." "The Texas Tornado!" "Stand up, Herman." "If he can stand." "I know that guy." "Remember, no open containers there, Herman." "He doesn't need to be messing with the fire water, I can tell you that." "Herman Mendoza has been known to puke a little bit." "Where's Mindy?" "Mindy!" "The cheerleaders are leading cheers, everything seems to be spelled correctly, the hot dog vendors are vending hot dogs, and I'll tell you one thing, the commentators are commentating." "Wouldn't you agree, Wink?" "Yup." "It feels right!" "Water?" "Wrong team, asshole!" "Awesome." "Move it!" "Of course, Milford's high score is due to their star quarterback and sixth-year senior, Zach Spencer." "He's got a cannon for an arm, but he's struggled with accuracy." "Just a bit off the mark." "Well, he's been known to gamble on big plays, as indicated by his signature "roll the dice" gesture." "I don't think that's what that gesture's meant to convey." "With one minute on the clock, Spencer fakes a hand-off, goes out on his own!" "There's the block!" "That's gotta hurt." "Free and clear now." "Touchdown Mustangs!" "That's gonna be the game." "An amazing play by Zach Spencer, as he does his post-game stretching." "Always important to keep those hips limber, Wink." " You've no idea what you're talking about, do you?" " I do not, Wink, not at all." "I've heard people say" "That we'll all find our place someday" "Hey!" "You're going the wrong way!" "Sorry, Sheriff." "He ain't a Sheriff, Woody." "He's a half-ass." "Bye, Sheriff Half-ass!" "Yeah, it's nice to see you too, Herman." "Goddamnit!" "That's funny, guys." "Yeah!" "All right, I need to see some ID's now!" "Or what, you're gonna hit us with one of those light sabers?" "Hey, we're not the George you're looking for." "Shut up, Franksen." "All right, that's it." "Everybody out of the vehicle." "Peace out, Boba Fett." " Damnit!" " Live long and prosper, baby!" "It's not even the right movie, Moron!" "Base, this is Deputy Hagan in pursuit of a 4-81." "I need back-up assistance at..." "No dice, Deputy Hagan." "Sheriff wants you out at Ruby Lake for an extraction." "For an extraction?" "Base, what exactly am I extracting?" "All right." "You jerkoffs couldn't beat me on the field, so you think you could beat me here?" "I get it." "Hey, douchebag, this is our party, all right?" "Dude, I won the game." "It's my party." " That's not how parties work, asshole." " They're all my party!" "That doesn't even make sense..." "Great." "Drunk teenagers." "This will be fun." "Hey, guys, stripper's here!" "All right." "Do you want Turner Bull?" "Okay, let's do it." "Ready?" " Wait, take it again." " I think I blinked." "Bye, Jules." "My God!" "Dad, what are you doing at this party?" "I'm working, Mindy." "What are you doing at this party?" " Partying!" " There are two people in the world..." "That should not see you with that beer in your hand, your father and a cop." "And I'm both of them." "Please tell me that is not Zach Spencer out there." "Yeah, it's him." "Go easy on him, Dad." "He's kind of dumb." "All right, fine." "Thanks." "Hey!" "Yo, kick his ass, kick his ass, kick his ass." "Knock-Knock!" "Dude, you need to get the hell out of here now!" "Dude, you need to get the hell out of here!" "How about that?" "All right, lovebirds, break it up." " That's what I thought." "Number one!" " Come on, kid, let's go." "I'm talking to you, kid!" "Top of the world!" "All right, that's it." "Undefeated, bitch!" "Yeah!" "One foot in front of the other." "I got it!" "I know the feet!" "Hey, see if Mindy needs a ride, too!" "Kid, you have the right to remain silent." " You should do that." " Bah!" "It's not funny." "Stop." "All right, I know we've all had a lot of fun tonight, but the show's over." "It's time for you all to go home." "There's nothing else to see here." "You're lucky I'm not taking you in, kid." "You should be arrested." "Your face should be arrested!" "'Cause your face is a whore!" "You should really buckle up back there." "I'd hate to have to give you a ticket for it." "Wait, I know you." "You're that guy that blew the Championship game like 800 years ago!" "What does everyone call you?" "Has-been half-back?" "No, it's Half-ass Hagan!" "Seriously, dude, that hurts!" "Wait, Hagan!" "Mindy's name..." "That's right." "Mindy is my daughter." "That's why you're trippin' on me." "Look, dude, I get it." "You don't like the idea of someone dating your daughter." "You know, kid, I raised my daughter to be a strong, independent woman who's capable of making her own decisions." "That being said, as her father, sometimes I disagree with those decisions." "Look, don't worry about it." "Mindy and I are just friends." "I mean, I haven't even banged her yet." "God!" "I should really get the breaks checked in this car." "We're tracking an inbound UFO." "Just entered the atmosphere." "Excellent." "Men, this is a moment in time that has been decades in the making." "Tonight, our aliens friends will bestow upon us a gift that will give humanity its rightful place in the galaxy." "Tonight, we get our champion..." "Tonight, we will get our champion..." "Tonight, the Earth will get it's champ..." "Who in the hell authorized fireworks?" "What the..." "There's a burn ban out here for a reason." "Hold on, kid." "Gotta make a pit stop." "Woo!" "Awesome." "...looks like it's time for another beer run, Woody." "This is only my second." "How many did you drink, Herman?" "Whatever 24 minus 2 is, man!" "You do the math!" "You ain't never gonna figure it out, dumbass." "Light another one." "Yeah, all right." "Here we go." "Come on now." "Ho-ho-ho!" "Darn tree!" "Woo!" "Yeah!" "Shit!" "Direct hit!" "Nice one, Woody!" "That was nothing." "Hey!" "Well, well, look who it is." "Woody, prep another one." "Stay where you are, Woody." "No, Woody, prep another one." "Look, here, Officer, this here is private property." "Yeah, you only get to say that when it's "your" private property, Herman." "Besides, you're breaking the law!" "Since when is blowing shit up against the law?" "Since they invented laws!" "Yeah?" "What do they say about this?" "Add littering to my list of offenses." "Look, you either give me the fireworks or you can spend the night in a drunk tank!" "That goes for you too, Woody." "I done that before." "Someone threw a ball and I fell in a tub of water." "No, that's a dunk tank, Woody." "Drunk tank is jail." "I don't wanna do that." "You want the fireworks?" "Fine." "I'll give you a firework." "The Mama Gigante." "The courier vessel is arriving, sir." "All right, this is it, everyone!" "High-pressure moment." "What you gonna do, Hagan?" "Herman?" "Oooh..." "Herman." "This gonna be a big one." "Do not light that firework." "Do it!" "Light that bastard!" "All right, one more word out of you and I'll..." "What, you're gonna double-arrest me?" "!" "Herman!" "...Officer Hagan?" "Not now, Woody!" "Herman!" "Do not light that..." "Too slow." "Just like always." "That's it!" "Come..." "What is that?" "You think I'm gonna fall for..." "Shit!" "That is your fault!" "You did the one thing I told you not to do!" "I shot E.T.!" "I killed E.T.!" "I didn't mean to do it!" "Guys, guys, guys!" "Help!" "Help!" "Hagan, I promise I won't try to bang your daughter!" "Third base, tops!" "What in God's name was that?" "What the hell was that?" "That was..." "Woody's fault." "My bad." "Is that it?" "No, it's another spaceship that fell out of the sky, dumbass!" "I'll check it out." "You guys stay here." "Holy shit!" "This is awesome!" "All right." "Just, everybody calm down." "Calm down?" "We're gonna be rich!" "That's a UFO!" "A goddamn Unidentified Flying Object!" "It's not flying, Herman." "It's an Unidentified laying on the ground Object." "All right, this is serious." "We need to..." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Dude, taking selfies!" "First people to shoot down a spaceship?" "That's like a thousand likes!" "It is not a spaceship!" "It's military!" "It probably came from the base." "And we did not shoot it down." "Woody shot it down." "Sorry, all." "I gotta be more careful." "Yeah, you're on fire, genius." "Darn fire!" "Nobody shot it down, okay?" "It crashed." "And if you're smart, you'll stick to..." "That a body?" "Nasty." "That is not a body." "Looks like..." "armor." "Yeah, that is definitely military." "Zach, leave it alone." "Yeah, right." "Finders keepers." "I'm hawking all this shit." "Except this one." "Daddy likes." "What else they got in there?" "No, hey!" "Come on, guys, could be dangerous." "You think?" "That would be badass!" "There's a trigger in here, but it doesn't do anything." "Don't do that!" "Yeah, this is definitely an upgrade." "I hope you bad boys like toe fungus." "Woody!" "This is neat." "They made me wear a helmet in elementary school, but I outgrew it." "Come on, just put it back." "It looks like your head's in a fishbowl." "Not again!" "All right, Woody, come on!" "Take that thing off for crying out loud!" "Put it back!" " You too, Herman!" " I ain't taking off shit." " Zach, what the..." "Give me that!" " Dude!" "They're obviously supposed to go together!" "Find your own, man!" "Kid, I'm not trying to take it from you!" "I'm just trying to put it back!" "What you do?" "I didn't do anything!" " I told you guys to put it back!" " You turned it on!" "Mine's on too, man!" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Waahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Man!" "Feels like my legs just gave birth!" "I didn't think it was that bad." "Whoaaaaa!" "Aahhh!" "Oohhh!" "Aahhh!" "God!" "I think it ate my brain!" "Greetings, O Champion." "Dude, I told you it was aliens!" "Greetings to you, gross alien whose planet I don't know the name of." "We are Earthlings from planet Earth." " Woody, you're talking to a recording." " Right." "Greetings, recording from the planet Record." "The Antarian Federation bestows upon you this Suit of Power." "Suit of Power?" "A great battle awaits you." "The fate of your world lies in your hands." "Our enemy is powerful, but a true champion will prevail." "That's gonna get him mad at you!" "Prepare yourself." "And good luck, Champion of Earth." "Conflict is coming." "Conflict is coming?" "Well, then Herman is leaving." "I ain't got no time for conflict." "Hold on a second." "My limp!" "It's gone!" "Check me out!" "My limp is gone!" "It's a Christmas miracle!" "Back in the game!" "What's the matter, Chubs, you stuck?" "Are you?" "Shit!" "My throwing arm!" "How do we get these things off?" "I'm never taking these off, baby." "I think I... got it!" "My God!" "Are you kidding me!" "Now that's a firework!" "My car!" "Guys... my helmet says "warning" and it's pointing up." "You think it's trying to warn me about my brain?" "No!" "A shield!" "That's awesome!" "If you don't have a gun that shoots lasers!" "We gotta get this stuff off!" "Hell no!" "I'm freaking' never taking this off!" "I'm like Iron Man!" "Come on, man, hold on!" "Herman?" "Hey, you guys see that?" "No, we didn't." "Wee, I was running fast." " All right, we gotta get this off!" " No, no!" " I'm not taking shit off!" " Guys, the helmet's talking to me again." "It says there will be an immediate treat." "Are we getting treats?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "All right, move it!" "Hands in the air!" "Do not move!" "Don't shoot!" "Don't shoot!" "Sir, they've donned the suit." "How should we proceed?" "Damnit!" "Incapacitate them!" "No, don't do that!" "Why don't you incapacitate this!" "Zach!" "I'm a police officer!" "I was just in the process of..." " Okay, that was an accident!" " Take them down, now!" "Open fire!" "Gotta fix this!" "Did we take him out?" "No, I think he just fainted." "Take him out again." "Take him out again!" "Stop resisting!" "There's not gonna be any treats, is there?" "Woody!" "Come on, guys, he's half brain damaged already!" "Bag 'em up, men!" "The bag won't fit!" "Sir, he's unbaggable." "Just get him in the truck." "Get him in the truck." "You know what, you're all under arrest!" ""UFO spotted in Milford"?" "Crazy." "Zach?" "And Dad?" "My God." "After multiple reports of a UFO sighting in Milford, Texas, a Twitter post showing several men, at what appears to be the crash site, has gone viral." "Calling themselves "Lazer Team"." "Could this be first contact with an alien race?" "I'm sorry, I just don't believe in aliens." "I've seen better alien technology at Comi-Con." "You'd have to be crazy to think these guys are legit." "You all thought I was crazy, but you're the ones in your little mind prisons." "You know what?" "You know who's free?" "Lazer Team!" "Lazer Team, that's who!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "No." "What a bunch of morons!" "They left me my laser gun!" "I could just blast us out of here!" "Then blow this whole place up!" "What the hell?" "Holy shit!" "I think they gave me amnesia!" "Anesthesia." "Localized to disable our extremities." "Blurp!" "W-what did I just say?" "My arm's numb, too." "Clearly, they have paralyzed the parts of our body..." "Shut up, dude!" "Y'all stupid." "I'm out." "Like your boots." "Probably should've waited till I finished talking to do that." "Why are we here?" "You're here to talk." "At approximately 23:00 hours, you not only managed to crash an alien spacecraft, but you also commandeered a highly classified weapon system." "How?" "Fifth Amendment, bitch." "In addition we would like to exercise our right to an attorney and trial by a jury of our peers." "Blurp!" "Yeah, man, we know our rights." "My taxes pay your salary, buddy!" "Mr. Mendoza, you haven't paid taxes in 15 years." "It's a figure of speech." "This isn't a game." "Who's this douchebag?" "This douchebag is the rightful wearer of that suit." "I'm the Champion of Earth!" "You look like the champion of swim team." "Where's your junk in that thing!" "It's cool, man." "We're all champions, dude." "The alien told us." "What alien?" "The Antartican guy." "From the planet Record..." "Antaria." "Blurp!" "There was a hologram came out." "It said that there's some kind of battle coming?" "In less than five days, an alien warrior will arrive to do battle with whoever is wearing this suit." "To the death." "Okay, the hologram left that part out!" "Gentlemen, this is not a game." "This alien species, the Worg, they're called, they're on a crusade to eradicate any race they deem weak." "Seventeen civilizations destroyed." "And now they're demanding to do battle with the Earth Champion to determine the fate of our planet." "Like the ancient Hebrew account of David versus Goliath." "Yes." "And as David needed his slingshot, we need our Suit of Power." "All right, well then hop to it, take the pieces off of us, put them on Hitler Youth over here, and let us bounce!" "They can't take the pieces off." "If they could... they would've done it while we were knocked out." "The suit has a protection mechanism built into it." "It genetically locks onto whoever puts it on and activates it." "I assure nobody is happy about this situation." "But the fate of the Earth hangs in the balance." "You do want to save the planet, don't you?" "This planet?" "A little bit." "There's a lot of jackasses." " What?" " Sir, you told me to let you know..." "If any of the media outlets reported on the incident." "Who picked it up, local news or national?" "Both, sir." "But it's worse than we thought." "It's on Facebook." "Are you kidding me?" "My mom shared it." "You posted a threat to national security on Facebook?" "Nobody told me not to do that." "I told him not to do that." "What's the Lazer Team?" "Dude, that's us!" "That's what I named us when we got our badass alien gadgets." " You spelled "laser" wrong." " How would you know, water boy?" "Delete it." "Okay, that has 1200 likes." "No way." "The last time I had a photo with over a thousand likes was when I accidentally posted a picture of my penis in a hot dog bun." "Delete it or I'll delete you." "...you better do what he say." "All right." "Congratulations, gentlemen." "You're now officially part of Project Perseus." "Training begins at 05:00." "Training?" "And do me one favor, try not to get us all killed." " You guys are trending, by the way." " What?" "Nice." "Can I friend you?" "If that's a... no." "I'll be on the other side of the window if you need me." "You expect me to train these idiots that literally stole my birthright from me?" "I've worked my entire life for this." "That is exactly why they need your help." "You're the only one experienced enough with this equipment to teach them how to use it in time." "Four days?" "I've trained every day for decades." "Adam, is this about the planet or you?" "Without me, there is no planet!" "When Perseus was sent forth to defeat the Gorgon, he was armed with four gifts from the heavens:" "A sword, boots... a helmet and a shield." "With these gifts he was victorious." "You'll now begin your formal training to utilize your... gifts." "You only have four days until the Worg Champion arrives to kill you and destroy our planet." "We start now." "Pardon me, old chap." "I have a question, if I may." "It can wait." "Fair play." "I got a question." "Why the hell does he sound British now?" "Woody's helmet is making him more intelligent over time." "Yeah, Woody's a stupid person, and that's what stupid people think smart people sound like." "So, basically, it's just dumb Woody's version of smart Woody." "What?" "That's idiotic!" "Precisely." "Nah, that makes sense, man." "How's that make sense!" "Hey, whassup, girl?" "My name's Herman." "That's enough!" "Let's get started." "Anthony Hagan, test number one." "The Repulsor Defensive Gauntlet produces an energy shield impenetrable by any manmade weapon." "Your first test is to stop the incoming projectiles." "Yeah, I just have a quick question before we begin." "How exactly..." "Oohhh!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Best test ever!" "Run it back!" "Run it back!" "Man, I freakin' love science." "Next!" "Test number 17." "Use the Particle Acceleration Gauntlet to destroy the targets by firing concussive blasts of plasma at varying intensities." " Let's go with the lower power." " Low?" "Get the hell outta here!" "I know what I'm doing." "Let's crank this baby up to a hund..." "Next!" "Test number 43." "Use the Positronic Helmet to locate the targets." "The visor is specifically equipped with zoom, targeting, and other visual enhancements." "My God!" "Guys!" "What the hell is your problem?" "Looks like a malfunction with the helmet." "I got a tool for this." " Turn it off!" "No!" " Keep your head still." "I wish I was dead!" "Next." "It's so close!" "Test number 124." "Use the Quantum Boots and jump over all of the hurdles before the buzzer sounds." "Excuse me, you can't smoke on this course." "Word?" "Watch me." "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "Dude, you were supposed to jump over the hurdles." "Put him on a special diet." "No smoking, no drinking." "Just kill me now." "Next!" "Next." "Next." "Next." "Next." "Next." "Next." "Next!" " Sleep tight, Lazy Team." " See you tomorrow." "Four hours!" "That was awful." "I haven't run that fast since Half-ass Hagan ruined my life." "Yes, this level of rigorous training can be difficult." "Woody, you didn't do anything!" "All you did was see some naked people!" "I also had to perform an enormous amount of calculations." "Well, that sounds brutal." "I thought it was pretty impressive." "No, this is impressive." "Where'd you get that?" "Where do people get anything?" "I stole it." "I think I'll give Mindy a call." "God." "Please don't do that." "Watch this." "You ever wanna see how bad a girl wants you, just see how long she says "Hey"." "Hey?" "Yeah." "Hey's like "what's up?"" "But "Heeey!" means I like you." "Anything more than that and you know she wants to see your penis in a hot dog bun." " Zach?" " Hey, Mindy." "Heeeeeeeeeeey!" "Wait, is that blood on your shirt?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Long day." "I met some aliens and got a laser gun, then the military picked us up, and now they're training us to save the world and stuff." "All I did today was eat FroYo." "That's awesome!" "I love FroYo!" "After I kick the crap out of these aliens that are trying to destroy the planet," "I'm totally getting some FroYo." "That's it?" "FroYo is tasty." "Hey, is my dad there?" "Is he okay?" "Yeah." "But his piece of the armor kinda sucks, so I'm not sure if he's gonna make the final Lazer Team." "Look, Zach, my dad may not be very strong, or brave, or smart, but he is really good at..." "I love you too, sweetie." "This is just like camping, guys." "No one ever invites me camping." "I know I was ordered to be here..." "Franksen, shut up!" "I'm just saying." "Hey, Mur." "Why they got us out here all night guarding this damn wreck ship?" "Top secret stuff, refry." "They need their best on it." "Oohhhh..." "Besides, beats patrol duty." "What the hell was that?" "Let's go have a looksee, dickholes." "Franksen, stay!" "You guys sure you don't need..." "Stay, Frank." "Okay." "Careful, guys." "There's possums and... stuff." "I'll be damned." "More alien stuff." "I'll radio it in." "Or... maybe we take a look first." "See if this one's got any of them fancy gadgets those morons got." "...baby." "Careful, Mur!" "What's that?" "Mur, what is that?" "Mur, what is that?" "Get it off!" "Get it off me!" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Guys?" "Hey, guys!" "You guys okay?" "Geez." "I thought something bad..." "Adam?" "No." "Adam!" "I'm done!" "I'm not doing it." "Will you just listen?" "We can cut the pieces off." "No." "Jenkins was wrong..." "How can you say he's wrong?" "He said we could do it!" "We do that, we have nothing!" "The suit is meant to work as a unit." "We separate the pieces, they're not as powerful." "You can forget about using the dark matter ray, or any of the other higher suit functions." "They won't make it." "Make them make it!" "That's your job." "My job is to be Champion of Earth." "That job was taken by the four men sitting down in the brig!" "Get used to it." "They'll fail... and then we'll have to cut those pieces off." "I guarantee it." "They'll fail, and then we'll have to cut those pieces off." "Thanks." "Everybody's sound asleep?" "The Lazer Team angels?" "They look precious." "What's that then?" "Your new uniforms." "Specially formulated by the U.S. Military with advanced microfibers." "And they are not anti-flammable." "So they are flammable." "They will not retard flames." "Most clothing's flammable." "It's like, why even mention that?" "File this under "most clothing" then, because these will burn." "Are you expecting us to catch on fire?" "I should go." "What are you looking at?" "I said, open the door!" "All right." "For today's test, you will learn a higher suit function known as the Dark Matter Ray." "Accessible only when the suit is used... in unison." "What-what's the problem?" "This thing's riding up my gooch!" "Half this suit's inside me!" "I feel like I'm wearing a baby's onesie!" "Deal with it." "Aren't you guys supposed to be some kind of superhero thing?" "Laser Squad?" "It's Lazer Team!" "Why the hell are we Lazer Team?" "Because I have a laser!" "But the rest of us don't." "Right, you're the team part." "Screw that!" "Boot Group!" ""Helmet Boy and Friends"?" "I think we should be "The Marvelous Shield"." "Now hear me out on this..." " God, that's lame." " You come up with something better!" "I did, "Lazer Team"!" "Nobody cares about your stupid name!" "Can we focus on what we're here for?" "Which is to save the planet." "Now, the most important thing to keep in mind is when that first wave comes out..." "Zachary, do not react." "I'm talking to you telepathically." "Are you really?" "That's badass!" "Shut up and listen!" "Now, during the first wave..." "Don't panic." "I'm talking to all of you right now." "This is weird." "My helmet's abilities are growing as they adjust to me, but this is all new." "I've made this place so we can talk mentally." "I'm not sure how long I can do it, but I need to tell you guys something, so everyone concentrate." "Yeah, everybody concentrate." "Nobody think about anything weird." "Are you thinking about... you know." " No." " Yeah, you are!" "We can see you thinking about it!" "Now you are too!" "You made me think it!" "I can't stop it, either." "Guys, I overheard a conversation." "Adam wants to sabotage us." "He wants the pieces for himself." "If we don't pass the tests today, they're gonna cut the pieces off." "Just pay attention!" "I'll stop thinking about it!" "Just let me come up with something else." "I got it." "You gotta be..." "Hi, Daddy." "...which is why the Dark Matter Ray may be the only thing strong enough to defeat the Worg." "Let's try it." "Just remember what I said and you should be fine." "Ready?" "Begin." "Come here, you son of a bitch!" "Throw them back in their cells." "Yo, man!" "Why you doing me like this?" "Why you guys got me like this?" "Well, that can't have helped our chances." "Don't worry, we'll be fine!" "Fine?" "According to Woody, we are literally on the chopping block." "I wouldn't be surprised if somebody came in here any minute now and took us away." "You're being ridiculous." "They need us!" "There's no way..." "Hey, are you guys..." "the Champion of Earth?" "Yeah." "We're as close as you're gonna get." "Okay, well..." "It's time for your..." "Jesus." "Your physical." "You were saying?" "Dr. Flannigan to the O.R., please." "Dr. Flannigan to the O.R." "All right." "Patient number one, step right through here." "Don't worry, Woody." "You'll be okay." "Patient number two, right there." "Patients number three and four, right this way, please." "In here?" "We're together?" "I ain't going in there." "Hey, man!" "Hey!" "Hey, man, you a good doctor or you one of them crazy doctors?" "You a bad doctor." "We were told this was just a physical." "We don't actually need these restraints, do we?" "It's for your own safety." "Well, that didn't make me feel very safe." "Hagan!" "I gotta tell you something." "I just want you to know I've always hated you!" "I've always hated you the most!" "Not now, Herman!" "This all your fault!" "If you would've just leave me and Woody alone, none of this would've ever happened!" "But no, you had to take my ass on a space adventure!" "Now they gonna cut my legs off!" "I'll be two feet shorter." "You, sir, are a bitch!" "Herman, you just need... to shut the hell up!" "Sorry." "I saw the whole thing." "That was self-defense." "I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but good job, Hagan!" "Come on, get me now!" "Get me!" " Hold still." " No, you don't need that!" " Just unbuckle me!" " No, there's no time." "There was time to unbuckle...!" "Aahhh!" "I think I need a new gown." "Nah, you're fine." "Here." "Get dressed." "Let's go find Woody." "And the kid!" "Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves." "Okay, so we get a cab, take her back to the trailer park, all right?" "One thing leads to another, we end up on my water bed making out." "Pretty great." "Take her top off, wouldn't you believe it, she had a tattoo of Adolf Hitler on her left boob, and another one of Joseph Stalin on her right." "Dr. Marquee to the Psychiatric Ward." "Dr. Marquee to the Psychiatric Ward." "Aahhh!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Get your pants on!" "Hey, kid, you free?" "Yeah." "I used the laser gun to get my cuffs off." "Where's your orderly?" "Yeah, he went away someplace." "What's that dust?" "Nobody." "I mean... nothing." "This is never gonna work." "Slow down, y'all!" "Push with two hands!" "I only have one hand!" " I only have one hand, too!" " Your other hand's inside that freakin' hand!" "What is this?" "This is one of the spacesuit guys." "Yeah, he just keeled over and died." "The really fat gross one just shit himself and then just collapsed." "Yeah, I would've been embarrassed to die that way," " just fat and covered in your own crap." " Absolutely." "It's disgusting." "You can take a look if you want to, as long as you don't mind lots of shit and grossness on a big fat body." "We'll pass." "Move along." "You sure?" "You can dive in there." "Move along!" "Get out!" "Thanks, fellas." "Good work." "God bless America." "What has happened to Boot Group, man?" "Shut up!" "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit." "Aahhh!" "Aahhh..." "Woody, get up!" "We need..." "My God!" "They took his head!" "Hey, guys." "Aahhh!" "Kill it!" "Kill it!" "My God, they took my arm!" "How am I just noticing this!" "Aahhh!" "Why?" "Why?" "Aahhh!" "Guys, relax, it's fine." "Seems Stealth Mode isn't entirely effective when fractured." "Is anyone hurt?" "I'm fine." "I'm a hundred percent." "Yeah, I'm good." "Hey, thanks." "I'm good, too." "All right, guys, hurry up." "They're gonna figure out we're gone any... second." " Now what!" " Don't worry, I know the way." "Okay, this should be the quickest way out!" "Bollocks!" "Woody, can you put a computer hack on the mainframe?" "Screw that!" "I'll just blast it at full power." "Great job, kid." "You hit everything but the goddamn door." "What the hell's this door made of?" "Where you going?" "Give me my suit." "You can have the suit!" "Ain't nobody wants your suit!" "Boots, do something!" "All right..." "You're just wasting time!" "That's quite impressive." "Whoaaa!" "Whaaa!" "Hey, you wanna give me a hand?" "Thanks." "Everyone join together." "What?" "How are you doing this?" "You're not supposed to be able to do that with the shield." "Guess we're working together." "Teamwork and shit!" "You're not a team!" "You're a joke!" "You idiots think you can save the planet?" "The only champion this planet has is me!" "That's what you get for messing with Lazer Team, bitch!" "All right!" "Great job, Zach!" "Good work, everybody." "Let's All right, let's go." "Zach!" "Crap!" "Find them." "Attention all soldiers." "The Perseus Project has escaped." "I repeat, Lazer Team is on the loose, and they're considered armed and dangerous." "Shit!" "They're everywhere!" "We'll never get past them all!" "Speak for yourself." "Hey, isn't Woody supposed to be like MacGyver now?" "Just build us a hovercraft out of paper clips or some shit." "Does anyone remember where we left that gurney?" "And that cat tells the baby, "What?" "No you didn't!"" "Cat nap?" "More like cat "snap!" Am I right" "Web Bomb." "Now, I know you people approve of these four fools on the Internet calling themselves "Lazer Team"." "They're on Facebook, they're on Instagram, they're on Snapchat, and, Jimmy Kimmel, I know it's you, man!" "Come on, quit playin'!" "I ain't no fool!" "Fool me once, shame on me." "Fool me twice, shame on Jimmy Kimmel!" "Are you Mindy Hagan?" "We'd like to ask you some questions." "All right, we can hide out here, but don't touch anything." "It's my ex-wife's cabin." "If you break something," "I'd hate to have to pay for this place twice." "God, it's like a Hobby Lobby threw up in here." "Yeah, man, is this your ex-wife's place or your grandma's?" "Let's just say she has very classical taste." "This is Mindy's mom?" "Nice." "I see where she gets it." "Put it down!" "Now!" "Guys, if this countdown is correct, this alien Worgle thing is gonna be here in two days!" "Right!" "So we just chill out here, let this whole thing blow over." "Blow over?" "That's not what we're doing." "It's not?" "No!" "Statistically, the best option for the planet was to let the military amputate." "A choice I found disagreeable, given my zero percent survival rate." "Well, not zero." "Zero would be the absolute certainty that I wouldn't survive, when naturally there is an infinitesimally small chance I might..." "Woody." "Sorry." "Let the government handle this." "That's why we vote for them." "You don't vote, Herman." "It's a figure of speech!" "Guys, we took their Suit of Power." "We're morally obligated to do something." "Don't lecture me!" "Only reason we're in this predicament is because of you!" "Man, only reason I'm in this bullshit little town, you!" "Zachary, is that you?" "Yeah." "Damn, Mindy, you look good!" "Is that cheetah print?" "It is an Earth leopard." "Thank you." "Do you still possess the Particle Acceleration Gauntlet?" "What, the laser gun?" "Hell yeah." "You like that, baby?" "I like that very much." "What is your location?" "So we can meet and then mate." "Are you serious?" "Absolutely." "It is important that we do that." "But first we must meet." "We're just hanging out at your mom's old cabin." "I should be there soon." "I'm excited and plan to be very fertile upon arrival." "Yes!" "I love this thing!" "Attention all units." "The Perseus Project is loose and they're considered armed and dangerous, so proceed with caution." "Please keep your head on a..." "Shit." "My boss is here." "Guys, I gotta call you back." "General Cale." "I wasn't expecting you." "Emory, we appreciate your dedication to this project, but we're moving ahead with the contingency plan." "General, I appreciate that, but I have the utmost confidence that we're gonna be able to get this thing under control." "I feel that once the Lazer Team..." "What did you just call them?" "I meant the prisoners." "Once apprehended..." "Enough!" "Sir." "Bill!" "We need to try fighting this alien first, before we launch a nuclear weapon that just kills millions of people!" "Prepare the nuke." "We've got a planet to save." "And more importantly, a nation." "Dude, what's his problem?" "Who, Herman?" "Yeah." "He acts like Half-ass Hagan's the worst thing that's ever happened to him." "But they must've been friends at some point." "Look." "Yeah." "Herman doesn't really ever talk about it." "It's complicated." "Complicated?" "Like gay?" "No." "Why would you assume gay?" "Well, you paused." "Seemed like a gay pause." "What's a gay pause?" "It was a regular pause." "Whatever." "I'm gonna find out what happened." "No, don't get up, guys." "Just somebody knocking on the door of our secret hideout." "Mindy!" "Hello, Father." "How did you find us?" "I communicated with Zachary." "Really?" "He's one of the Earth Champions." "That was a really formal way of saying that." "I purchased food as a form of distraction." "Food!" "My God!" "Thank you, I'm starving!" "Come on in." "Thank you so much." "Hey, Mindy." "Hello, Zachary." "Y'all eating in here?" "All right!" "I hate to interrupt, but may I have a moment in private with you?" "...yeah." "Sure." "It's best for us to be alone so that no one can monitor things I'm going to say and do to you." "Where your daughter at?" "Before we do this, I have to tell you something." "I know you think I'm like a stud, and I am, but I've never actually been with a girl." "But I totally practice on myself all the time, and I'm pretty sure that counts." "And it's not that I don't want to bang you, I mean, I absolutely do." "But I also like you." "Maybe those are connected somehow." "I don't know." "Does that make sense?" "Thank you, God." "What the hell?" "Have you been working out?" "Give it to me." "Give it to me now!" "You like it rough?" "Too rough!" "Too rough!" "Jesus, Mindy!" "What do you want?" "I want what you have." "Give it to me, Zachary!" "Or I'll rip it off!" "Are you serious?" "Aahhh!" "Zachary?" "All right, maybe we should just be friends!" "Now he's a happy little tree." "He was sad till we put some leaves on him." "But in our world, everything's happy." "Clouds are one of the freest things in nature." "Hey, man, look." "I don't like you, but this is embarrassing." "Damnit, Mindy!" "Your grandkid gonna come out half laser." "All right." "That's it." "I can't take it anymore." "Mindy!" "Jesus!" "God, no, I'm gonna throw up!" "My God!" "No, no, no!" "Mindy?" "Mindy, honey, are you okay?" "What did you do to her?" "Y'alls relationship is complicated." "What you need to do is talk it out." "Herman, look out!" "Zach, no!" "Don't lay a hand on my... daughter." "Mindy, no, no, no, wait!" "Aahhh!" "Oohhh!" "Woody!" "Aahhh!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, hey!" "No, no, no, no!" "Zach, don't hurt her!" "She's gone crazy!" "She's possessed, Zach!" "That thing on her neck!" "Herman, use the tape!" "Screw that!" "Nobody possesses my girlfriend!" "I'm your girlfriend?" "Well, yeah..." "Yeah, that's my girl!" "Herman, now!" "Mindy!" "I got her." "Come on." "We need to get this thing off of her!" "W-w-wait!" "I am Woodrow, a Champion of Earth." "To whom are we speaking?" "I know this device is monitored." "This one is now a servant of the Worg." "Those the bad guys." "Thanks for the update, Herman." "It is our planet or yours, and it will be yours." "What are you talking about?" "We don't want your planet!" "We just want peace!" "The Loodels wanted peace." "Now they are nothing." "No, it doesn't have to be like that!" "Nobody..." "Zach, no!" "What you do that for, you bellhead!" "To kill the alien bug thing that was making my girlfriend like my ex-girlfriends!" "We were negotiating with it!" "You just destroyed our means to communicate with the Worg!" "My bad." "Hey, why's that thing making a beeping noise?" "No!" "It's got a self-destruct mechanism!" "What do we do?" "You guys get her out of here!" "Go, go, go, go!" "I guess it's not gonna blow..." "Aahhh!" "What took you so long, Half-ass?" "Hagan, you're alive!" "Yeah, that's the bad news." "The good news is you can spend the rest of your life earning the money to buy your ex a new house!" "Daddy, what are you doing here?" "Wait... what am I doing here?" "Those headlights?" "The military!" "No, guys?" "Those soldiers are possessed by Worg parasites, too!" "They're trying to sabotage us!" "Everybody, get in the truck!" "Now!" "Mindy, come on!" "Go!" "Go!" "Come on!" "Somebody's gonna have to get out and push!" "Screw you guys!" "Go, go, go!" "Boot Group!" "Herman, you're doing it!" "No shit I'm doing it!" "Faster, Herman!" "They're gaining on us!" "I'm pushing a truck, man!" "What the hell is going on!" "No time to explain!" "You were possessed by an alien probe, and now we're being chased by four soldiers who also appear to have been possessed in the same way!" "I guess there was time to explain." "Faster, Herman!" "Use those power thighs!" "Faster, fat-ass!" "Man, you get out and push!" "Board the truck!" "They're coming up on our ass!" "Herman, I'm coming!" "Take them out!" "No, wait!" "Maybe we can..." "Yeah!" "Hey, dickhead!" "Knock-knock!" "Hagan, there's a low-hanging obstacle you should look out for!" "What did you say?" "Never mind!" "Yeah!" "Kill them all!" "Goddamnit!" "I think we've agitated them!" "Destroy the truck!" "Get them, Zachary!" "I got this!" "Down, Herman!" "Don't miss!" "Don't miss!" "Don't move!" "Bloody hell!" "You missed them!" "Never mind." "Good job." "Great job, kid!" "Yeah!" "Take that you sons of bitches!" "Two million views and counting." "Damnit!" "What the hell is it with these kids and the Internet?" "They were actually working together." "It's unbelievable." "You guys wanna see a video of a guy eating a tennis shoe?" "Keep going, Herman." "Good job, Herman." "Yes!" "Just keep pushing." "Just a little bit further." "Keep it coming." "Just a little..." "Okay." "All right." "Wait." "Our high school?" "Woody, what the hell's the matter with you?" "Why not just steer us towards prison?" "Guys, I'm picking up a transmission." "You all should hear this." " In here." " Wait!" "We have a computer lab at the school?" "Nerds must love this place!" "Don't you go to school here?" "You are looking live at Milford, Texas." "This is truly a landmark event, Janine." "The craft descended only a few minutes ago, but already has altered the course of human history forever." "And to anyone who's ever wondered, are we alone in the universe?" "There's your answer." "Man, look at the size of that thing!" "Janine, something is happening." "It appears the ship has beamed something down." "It's some sort of force field." "Earth mongrels, the battle for your world will soon begin." "Bring your pitiful champions to the field of battle." "A failure to appear will be considered forfeit, followed by the destruction of your entire planet." "You have 24 hours to comply." "We are Worg." "We are your destruction." "What a dick!" "Don't worry, Mindy, we'll do something." "Right, guys?" "Nuh-that's it for me." "I'm out." "You're out?" "Herman, the whole planet's involved!" "We've done this before, Half-ass." "You and me." "We know how this goes." "Done what?" "It was 20 years ago, State Championships." "They called me the Texas Tornado." "I had a full scholarship all set up." "We were 10 yards from a perfect record." "Hut, hut!" "Hagan had to block one guy." "He missed." "I got blindsided." "Lost the championship, and I never..." "Your limp." "I lost everything!" "My scholarship, my future, my dream!" "Because somebody who was supposed to be my friend... supposed to have my back, wasn't there!" "We weren't champions then, and we sure as hell ain't gonna be champions now!" "Amy wants to fight these things?" "Man, I say let them." "I'm sitting this one out." "You can block for somebody else." "Don't you understand that we have a second chance here?" "You're not strong enough to block with the shield!" "It's gonna be a two-hit fight!" "The Worg hits you, you hit the ground!" "Then he hits me and I'm dead!" "That's more than two hits." "Shut up, Woody!" "Herman, I cannot change what happened in the past." "All I can do is make things better now." "No matter what comes your way, I will block it." "What...!" "Hey, nice block, asshole!" "No!" "That is not my fault!" "I didn't know we were starting!" "Shut up!" "Damnit!" "I'm out, bitch!" "We'll be all right!" "Just stick together!" "Daddy!" "Zach, make it!" "Mindy, wait!" "Why does everything always explode?" "Mindy?" "Crap!" "It's this asshole." "Gotcha!" "Shit!" "Goddamnit, Woody!" "Shit!" "Come on." "Nice try..." "Champ." "Mindy!" "Dickhead!" "Run, run, run!" "Come on!" "Don't look back!" "Why would I look back?" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Come on, come on, come on!" "Aahhh!" "Aahhh!" "Bugger me!" "Yes!" "Meant to do that, bitch!" "No, wait." "Mindy, Mindy, stop, stop, stop." "Okay, we're good." "Come on." "Wait, wait, wait!" "We want the suit!" "Just stop!" "Just let her go!" "I want the suit!" "Woody, where's Mindy?" " A possessed soldier has her." " What?" "Where?" "Is that Hagan?" "Come on, I've got an idea." "I hate when you have ideas." "Just calm down." "You don't wanna do this, okay?" "Between you and me, right?" "We will destroy you like we've destroyed all the others." "Your species cannot compete with Worg!" "Hagan, listen to me." "Raise your shield." "Zach has a shot." "I do?" "Zach, don't shoot!" "He has Mindy!" "You'll hit her!" "Tell your friends to come out, and I won't make her suffer!" "Raise the shield, Hagan." "What's going on?" "No, I'm not doing it, Woody!" "One." "Two." "Do not shoot." "Come on!" "Three." "Hagan, now!" "Hey, you owe me." "Herman, I said thank you." " What else do you want from me?" " I want a case of beer," "A foot massage, and another case of beer." "Mindy!" "Get off me, fool!" "Ain't nobody hugging you!" "Everybody okay?" "Shot the crap out of them." "Hey, everyone, it's not over yet." "What now?" "The military are coming." "Come on, we gotta move." "Let's just get out of town and find a place to lie low." "No." "No?" "No, I'm not going." "I'm tired of making messes and then just running away from them!" "So, if you guys wanna run, you go ahead and run." "Okay, I get it." "These guys, they almost killed us." "And yes, my teenage daughter basically beat the shit out of all four of us at once." "But, at the end of the day, when this thing shows up, if we're not there to fight it, who's gonna be?" "I'm staying." "Are you with me?" "Where are the others?" "They left." "I don't know where they went, and I don't care." "You have no idea how much damage you've done." "Just cut this thing off of me, give it to somebody who deserves it." "Get him out of here." "Twenty minutes after the so-called "Doomsday Broadcast", police and National Guard units have cordoned off the stadium and are urging civilians to stay clear." "Those that approached it earlier, were unable to enter due to what appears to be some sort of force field." "Questions remain." "Who are these aliens?" "What happens when the timer at the stadium goes to zero?" "And who are the Champions of Earth?" "Is it this Lazer Team that's been making the rounds on social media?" "Now joining us via satellite to discuss, noted physicist Neil Degrasse Tyson." "Dr. Tyson, what do you make of all this?" "My calculations show that, scientifically... we're screwed." "Man, what are we doing here?" "We should be getting out of town." "Well, by my calculations, the last place anyone's gonna look for us is at the actual fight." "We should be pretty safe here." " What are we gonna do, guys?" " I don't know." "Maybe we should've turned ourselves in." "I feel like these people deserve a chance to live." "These people?" "These people are idiots." "Look how that guy spelled "apocalypse"." "The question here at Milford Stadium is this, will this Lazer Team show up to battle for the fate of the Earth?" "We have one person who seems to know the answer." "No!" "Do you think the Lazer Team is going to show up?" "They're not afraid of monsters, aliens, or anything else." "Is there anything you wanna say to the Lazer Team?" "Save us, Lazer Team." "Don't let the Worg eat my brain." "We're pieces of shit." "Well, technically, the human body is .5 percent feces, so..." "Probably skews higher for us." "Shut up, Woody!" "Okay, we'll get you prepped, and then we'll get this thing off of you." "Be right back." "It's the first time I've done one of these." "So exciting!" "Yeah, we're all happy for you." "Screw it, I'm going in." "Zach." "Zachary!" "Where are you going?" "You can't do this alone!" "Without you we're just "Team"." "Wait, wait." "What do you think you're doing?" "It's cool." "I'm the Champion." " You're the Champion?" " Yes." "Just like them over there?" "Son of a bitch!" "Just go join the rest of the Justice League." "I don't have time for this!" "Hey, back up!" "You believe this guy?" "Take him down!" "I'm the Champion!" "Put his ass in the car!" "You need me!" "Idiots!" "You have no idea what you're doing!" "You think this'll work?" "I don't know if it will or won't." "I do know this, pretty much nothing we can do at this point that will get us fired." "Great, it's you." "Come to gloat?" "No." "Came to get you out." "Out?" "I didn't believe in you." "Not at first." "But I've seen what you can do in that suit when y'all are focused." "Things that I didn't even know were possible." "You even did okay on some of those tests." "We did awful on the tests." "Yeah." "But you also broke out of the space, and you took out four soldiers with alien technology." "Quite frankly, that was some of the most competent incompetence I've ever seen." "And I was raised by the military." "You Lazer Team guys actually have more experience with this than I do." "Even if the surgery did work," "I'd say the right man is already wearing that Gauntlet." "You think we actually have a shot at this?" "Hagan, you were born for this." "Come on, gotta get you to the stadium." "The Military has issued a statement assuring citizens that the situation is under control, but have refused to comment on the existence of any such Champions." "As the timer ticks down, only one thing is certain:" "If these Champions are out there, we sure could use them now." "Bill?" "How are we gonna get Zach out of there?" "Daddy!" "You're alive!" "You have all your parts!" "Herman, listen." "We need you for this." "I know you think you're not fast enough and I'm not strong enough." "And I know we've had our differences, but I think it's time we..." "Okay." "Okay?" "I'm in, man." "You made that super easy." "I had like this whole speech worked up and everything." "Well, thankfully we don't have to listen to that." "Woody?" "I'm in." "All right, let's go before that nuclear warhead beats us to the fight." "What?" "Warhead?" "Did I not tell you guys that?" "You didn't say anything!" "We got a lot of stuff to deal with tonight, man!" " It's not my fault." " Why didn't you say something?" "I just did." "Let's go." "There's a nuke." "Just telling you again." "That's what they do to everything." "It didn't work in "Independence Day"." "With less than 10 minutes on the countdown, the crowd outside the stadium is growing increasingly volatile, Janine, with absolutely no response from the military, other than to tell people to stay away." "The entire world is wondering the same thing, where is the Champion of Earth?" "So, where is like the best place to get donuts around here?" "I've got a list, about four or five places that are just local." "Hey, man, listen." "I have a really powerful laser gun from space... that I sort of stole from the Army, and I tried to fight on my own, and I know it was dumb, but I think there might still be time to get it to someone who..." "Hey, kid, I'm not always gonna be around to bail you out." "You realize that, right?" "Hagan?" "Yup." "All right, everybody buckle up." "He means it." "Hey, hey!" "All units, we have a police car attempting a break-in at the stadium!" "Hold that." "They're going away from the stadium!" "...not going the right way!" "Is it right?" "Is this right?" "Humvee!" "Stop or we will open fire." "I'm backing up!" "Back up!" "Back up!" "Back up!" "Watch out!" "How do I stop?" "I think they are heading for the stadium." "But, backwards?" " Look out!" " No, no, no!" "Take 'em down!" "Take 'em down!" "Barbecue!" "Shit!" "Everybody hold on!" "Don't let them get to the stadium!" "Drive!" "Drive!" "Drive!" "Hold on!" "Absolutely astonishing, Janine." "The crowd out here is going insane." "A vehicle has entered the stadium." "Could this be our Champion of Earth?" "Humanity's one chance for survival." "They was shootin' at us!" "I am not driving with you again!" "I got us here, didn't I?" "Barely." "Sir, the warheads are primed." "Ready to launch on your mark." "Hey, what are you doing here?" "Coaching." "Greetings, O Champions of Earth." "It's the recording!" "Antarian." "Today you will battle for the fate of your planet." "Prepare to meet your opponent." "I'm scared." "Don't be." "You guys can win this." "You have the Suit of Power." "There's nothing else like it in the galaxy." "All right." "Presenting the Worg Champion." "Wait a minute." "Is he wearing a Suit of Power?" "Come on!" "Man, this fool trying to join the Boot Group!" "Nothing like it, my ass!" "This is bullshit!" "Where the hell did he get a Suit of Power?" "Same place we did, from them." "Come on!" "Say that into my non-drunk ear, because it sounded like you said the Antarians!" "As you can see, your opponent has been given an identical Suit of Power." "This will ensure a fair and most pleasing competition." "Competition?" "What's he talking about?" "Guys, take a look at this." "I've intercepted a file from the Antarian ship." "Is that a March Madness bracket?" "Close." "It's an intergalactic gladiatorial circuit, wherein the only remuneration is provincial planetary salvation." "What the hell does that mean?" "It means... that this war we're about to fight isn't a war." "It's a goddamn sporting match!" "But instead of the winners getting trophies, the losers get their planet destroyed." "What a bunch of assholes!" "The Earth is never gonna be safe." "So, what are we supposed to do now?" "Long term?" "Find a way to break the circuit." "Short term..." "Don't lose." "We're screwed." "This is impossible." "No, it's not." "Don't say that." "You guys can do this." "Get out there and win one for Earth, okay?" "Great pep talk, Coach." "Thanks." "We have to fire the nuke." "General, we're still evacuating thousands of people from the blast radius." "And it didn't work in "Independence Day", sir." "Let's just see what they can do." "I wonder what he said." "It's a lower Worgon dialect." "But I think he said he was gonna slowly kill us one by one, forcing us each to eat the remains of the last, before himself eating what was left." "That's nasty." "Shit." "This is it!" "Get ready!" "Come on, bitch!" "Hell, yeah." "Guys, I just realized, I don't have a weapon!" "My balls just went numb." "Lazer Team..." "Game on!" "Oohhh!" "Oohhh!" "Well, this is going splendid!" "Is it too late to put money on the Worg?" "Can't get past his shield!" "Do something!" "Woody, target the ground!" "Got it!" "Zach, charge a big one!" "Now, Zach!" "Yes!" "Don't let up!" "Hit him again!" "Coming back!" "Two can play this game!" "Technically, it's four of us!" "Get outta here." "Hold on, Hagan." "I'm gonna push the shield again." "Aahhh!" "Yes!" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "That's what you get for messing with Lazer Team!" "No, no, no!" "He's just cloaked!" "Don't let him get...!" "Oohhh!" "Come on, sit still!" "Zach!" "Yeah!" "That's right!" "Target locked." "But I'm the target!" "Hey!" "You crispy-looking space raisin!" "Why don't you try the Texas Tornado!" "All right, now's our chance." "Hit him!" "Herman!" "Woody!" "The Dark Matter Ray!" "It's the only way to put him down for sure." " The dark what?" " You never taught us that one!" "Aahhh!" "Get back up!" "Get on your feet!" "You gotta fight!" "Why don't you pick on someone your own size!" "Adam, what are you doing?" "I'm buying you time!" "Get ready to use the Dark Matter Cannon!" "We don't know how!" "No, but it does!" "Adam, don't!" "Come on, you want this planet, you gotta go through me first!" "Adam, you're the one who's supposed to save the planet!" "I think I just did." "No!" "It's time to end this." "Hey, asshole!" "Well, boys, I guess he wants a fight." "He came to the right planet." "I think he's about to fire the Dark Matter Ray again." "Well, then we'll fire ours." "Woody, get it ready." "With the suit separated like this, it could kill us." "What's option B?" "He'll kill us." "Yeah, we'll go with option A." "What do we do?" "We gotta look like him." "All right, we're getting freaking' somewhere!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Hey, charge it up!" "No, what are you doing?" "We can't keep this up!" "The separate pieces are too unstable!" "Hold on, everybody!" "Just hold on!" "You cannot fire the ray!" "This is not permitted!" "Aahhh!" "Hold on!" " No!" " Now!" "Aahhh!" "We're outside the force field!" "Yeah!" "We did it!" "Yes!" "God bless America." "Celebrations are breaking out across the globe... as the alien mothership appears to have vanished." "No confirmation yet as to whether the ship was destroyed, but right now I know everyone's thoughts and prayers are with those four men known as Lazer Team." "Yeah!" "Nice shooting, team!" "Yeah!" "That bitch is toast!" "Yeah!" "What do we do now?" "I've no idea." "I fancy some fish and chips, to be honest." "Enough with the British thing, Woody." "I can't even eat, anyway." "This stupid thing doesn't even come off." "Gonna starve to death." "I don't wanna go." "All right." "And here they are, the Champions." "The crowd is going wild." "Janine, they're cheering for the one with the laser." "Also the other three." "It's the four of them in matching suits, and the crowd just loves it." "Just-just look at them." "Excuse me." "The whole world wants to know, who are you guys?" "We're the guys who just saved the planet." "We're Lazer Team." "Sorry, Herman." "Looks like I missed another block." "But the team won, Hagan." "That's all that matters." "You know, I think I could fix that boot, Herman." "I've also been working on some potential upgrades." "Woody, how about we figure out what we have first?" "Secure the perimeter!" "Great." "Sir, can we get a statement?" "Are these men under arrest?" "No, of course not." "I know to many of you they didn't seem like the heroes you might expect, but I personally hand-picked each member of the Lazer Team." "I couldn't be prouder of their achievements." "That's bullshit." "Now, we may have won the battle, but the war is far from over." "Starting today, we're taking the fight to them." "I have asked the President to immediately green-light" "Project Pegasus." "Yes!" "Queen's beaver!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Lazer Team is going to space." "What the f...!" "A champion was chosen for the battle" "He was to prepare with the Suit of Power" "But like a snake without a rattle" "We weren't there but we would not cower" "They thought they'd slaughter us like cattle" "They weren't prepared for our finest hour" "They weren't prepared for the Lazer Team" "It's not a dream" "The most important battle that the planet's seen" "It's the Lazer Team more than they seem" "Not just a four-man alien kicking ass machine" "I don't think anyone expected them" "To save the day for you and me" "I don't think anyone expected them to spell "laser" with a Z" "It's the Lazer Team It's not a dream" "The most important battle that the planet's seen" "It's the Lazer Team More than they seem" "Not just a four-man alien kicking ass machine" "The aliens came and they said to me" "You're gonna kick ass in this galaxy" "They gave me the tools that I'd need to win" "So listen to our song and let the tale begin" "A raging' battle will be heading your way" "It's on you to save your planet's what the aliens say" "They gave me the suit and then returned to the sky" "Said, you really gotta win or everyone's gonna die" "I got one job to do" "Save the world Save the world" "I don't feel so cool" "And I will get the girl and bask in fame" "And everyone will know the name" "Lazer Team" "I'm gonna drop your punk ass with a laser beam" "Let it stream" "No hero, I agree, but I'm here to save you now" "Safety helmets are for kids on bikes" "Bein' brainy's cool but I'm the one who brings 'em an axe" "You sure can't blog and your boots can't run" "But I'm the one who's gonna blow it up 'cause I got the gun" "I got one job to do" "Save the world Save the world" "I don't feel so cool" "And we know that there's no "I" in team" "But the Z in Lazer must be real" "Lazer Team" "I'm gonna drop your punk ass with a laser beam" "Let it stream" "No hero, I agree, but I'm here to save you now" "Tonight, before the morning light shines" "Tonight Tonight" "I'll beat the Worg and save your life" "And it's not that I don't want to bang you" "I absolutely do" "But I also like you I'm gonna try to" "Be a stud that's true" "Lazer Team" "I'm gonna drop your punk ass with a laser beam" "Let it stream" "No hero, I agree, but I'm here to save you now"