"MAN:" "O'Donnell, save something for the game." "I'm just warming up, coach." "Just talked to the scout again." "He's coming tonight." "You play half the game I know you're capable of he's prepared to offer you a full scholarship." "Free ride to college and the world's your oyster, kid." "Thanks, coach." "MURPHY:" "All right, jockstraps, let's gather up." "Picture time." "Try not to break the camera." "We gotta hang on." "Ned's not here yet." "Who cares?" "He's the water boy." "That doesn't matter, because he's part of the team." "BOY:" "Sorry I'm late!" "Sorry I'm late!" "But what kind of Dungeon Master would I be if I left my party in the middle of a battle with a hippogriff?" "Check it out, it's Merlin the Girlin." "Um, Ned, Ned, look, I'm your best friend, all right, and I'll always have your back." "But there's only so much I can do when you show up in a dress." "O'Donnell." "How about you and Boy George join us for this picture?" " Yep." "Yep." " Just one sec." "Give the little guy the sign, please." "Here we are." "Nice, guys." "Scoot up in back." "Come on, you gotta look pretty for the ladies, right?" "Come on." "Yeah." "Let's do it." "Three, two, one." "MURPHY:" "Hey, Vanilla Ice." "We got a game here." "Let's bring it in." "Man, I had to." "I had to." "Oh, man, over there." "Who is that stone-cold fox?" "Oh, it's my girlfriend." "MAN:" "Take no prisoners, bro." "MIKE:" "Oh, hey, there's my girl." " Hey." "I'm glad you're here, Scar." "This whole scout thing has me wicked nervous." "I just feel like my whole future's riding on this game." "Yeah." "Yeah, I know how you feel." "Yeah?" "Is everything...?" "Everything's cool, right?" "Oh, yeah." "Everything's totally copacetic." " Totally?" " Totally." "MURPHY:" "O'Donnell." "I gotta go." "See you." "You okay?" "Uh, uh..." " We can talk about it later." " No." "Just tell me." "It's your big night." "Go enjoy it." "I can't enjoy it unless you tell me what's going on." "Okay." "Um..." "O'Donnell!" "Wake up!" "MURPHY:" "O'Donnell!" "What are you doing?" "MIKE:" "Scar!" "Scar, hey." "Hey, Scarlet." " Hey, hey." "Hey, what are you doing?" " Mike, what are you doing?" "Look, you and me, we're in this together, okay?" " But the game." "That's your future." " No, the baby's my future." " That's crazy." " You're my future." "I can't let you throw this all away." "I won't let you." "Thank you for letting me stay here, Ned." "Oh, yeah." "No problem." " You good on the Cap'n?" " I'm good on the Captain." "Hey, Mike?" "Mike, I can tell you're down, but trust me on this." "You're looking at Scarlet kicking you out of the house and the kids wanting nothing to do with you as a negative, when in fact..." " I guess it's mostly negative, isn't it?" " Well, yeah." "I had no upside for that." "Hey!" "You're getting that big promotion today, right?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Today everything turns around for me." "Knock them dead." "I love you!" "MAN:" "So anyway the way corporate wants us to spin it is that maybe, in certain situations a four-hour erection isn't such a terrible thing." "Okay." "Next up:" "As most of you know, today I am proud to be naming our new regional sales manager." " Here we go." " You know I've been in the pharmaceutical game for almost two years now and people always ask me:" ""What's it take to be an RSM?"" "Leadership." "Courage." "Integrity." "But most importantly, dedication to this company." "So congratulations." "Mike." "Mike, if you could slide to your left so I can congratulate our new RSM, Wendy!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Go out there and push some pills, my peeps." "WOMAN:" "Good job, baby!" "Bye-bye, thanks." "See you at practice." "Mmm." "Mike." "What's crack-a-lacking, coz?" "Well, I'll tell you what's crack-a-lacking." "Are you kidding me?" "Wendy's been here two months." "I've been here 16 years." "I got the best numbers on the team." "You should think of it as a compliment." "Think of it as us saying, "You're just too valuable to promote."" " You little..." " Shh, shh, shh, hello?" "Hey, buddy." "No, no, no, I got time." "Ha." "I know, right?" "Look, listen, she was my doubles par..." "So many girls and only one promotion, but you guys are so supportive." " But, Wendy, you did it." " Thank you." "Wendy!" "Wendy!" "Wendy!" "You guys!" "OMG." "Oh, and it gets better, because we are going to T.G.I. Friday's!" " Shut up!" " Aah!" "MAN:" "Mike O'Donnell." "Do I know you?" "No." "But I know you." "Oh, yeah?" "High school star." "Never quite lived up to your potential." "Sooner or later you all come back to the old school." "Stand there and look at the picture of the glory days wondering what might have been." "Seems to me you guys are living in the past." "Well, of course I want to live in the past." "It was better there." "I'll bet you wish you had it to do all over again." "Huh." "You got that right." "You're sure about that?" "MIKE:" "Oh, yeah." "GIRL:" "Dad." " Hi, Mr. O'Donnell." " Ladies." "MAGGIE:" "What are you doing here?" "MIKE:" "Oh, I was just talking to nobody." "Doesn't matter." "I got off work early, and I thought we could get ice cream." "Together?" " Why?" " Just go get your brother, okay?" "WOMAN:" "Do you need anything else?" "No, we're fine." "What's the matter?" "This used to be your favorite place." " We used to come here for your birthday." " When I was, like, 8." "So, Al, basketball season's coming up." " You ready?" " Yeah." " Been working on that outside shot?" " Mm-hm." " Passing?" " Good." " Dribbling?" " Really good." "Good's not going to get you a scholarship." "I meant, it's great." "It's great, Dad." "It's great." "That's my boy." "Remember, it's not how big you are." "It's how big you play." "Right up here." "Uh, Maggie got into Georgetown." "Maggie, that's awesome." "Can you turn down the?" "Okay, guys, see you soon." "Love you." "Nice chatting with you." "What the hell are you doing?" "Hey, that's my stuff." "Why are you destroying our yard?" "It's not our yard." "It's my yard, remember?" "You took the road not taken." "And I get the yard." "I'm going to turn it into a showpiece for my clients." " Clients of what?" " Landscape design." "Landscape design?" "I'm going to show people what I can do." "Yeah, well, the divorce isn't final for another two weeks, so you have no right." "Really?" "So I've spent the last 18 years of my life listening to you whine about the things you could've done without me, and I have no right?" " It's just I put a lot of work into this yard." " Did you?" "Really?" "Like the barbeque pit?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "The way I remember that is that you spent about an hour working on it and then you spent the next two days complaining about if you had gone to college, you could've hired someone to do it." " I don't think it was a whole two days." " Or the hammock over here." "Yeah." "I think you quit that one because you just decided not to try anymore." "Look, try to see things from my point of view." "I am extremely disappointed with my life." "I never asked you to marry me." "Yeah, but I did." "Well you don't have to do me any more favors, then." "We're not going to hold each other back anymore, okay?" " Scar..." " I'll see you at court, okay?" "At the trial." "WOMAN:" "Scarlet." "Naomi!" " You came." "WOMAN:" "Of course I came." "What bridesmaid would I be if I didn't hold your hand during the divorce?" "Now, just remember." "The first one's always the hardest." " Mike." " Naomi." " Naomi." " I don't care." "Let's get going." "We got to get you ready." "Back on the market." "Yeah, I'm a real catch." "Single mom with two teenage kids and manure caked under my fingernails." "You'll do great." "You got the butt of a 12-year-old boy." "That's terrific." "I hope our daughter heard that." "Ugh." "When was the last time you waxed?" "Bye, Mike." "Bye." "MAN You're sure about that?" "Jesus." "Hey!" "Get off of there!" "Oh, no." "Hello?" "Hello?" "!" "Hello?" "!" "What the?" "Oh, no!" "Oh, man." "Ned?" "Thief!" "No, no, no, Ned!" "Ned, no, no, no!" "It's me!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Ned?" "Oh, wow." "I feel great." "Ha, ha." "MIKE:" "What are you doing?" "No, Ned." " Aah!" "Aah!" " No." "No, no, no, Ned!" "Ned!" "Come on!" "It's me, it's Mike!" "Ned, Ned, Ned, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, stop it!" "Stop it!" "Now!" "Oh." "An elegant weapon from a more civilized time." "Hey, it's me!" "It's Mike O'Donnell, your best friend!" "You have an undescended testicle." "Googleable!" "Ned!" "You helped me cheat on my math test, but I got caught." "Public record!" "You asked Princess Leia to junior prom." "Covered by the local news." "I can't breathe!" "I can't breathe!" "Please." " Oh!" " Ha, ha!" "Oh, my God." "No, no, no." "Ned, Ned." "Oh, my God." "MIKE:" "Would you stop staring at me?" " It's freaking me out." " It's freaking me out!" "I'm pubescent!" "Okay." "So, uh it's a classic transformation story." "It appears in the literature time and time again." "Were you at any point shot by a gamma ray?" " No." " Exposed to gamma radiation of any kind?" " No, Ned." " No?" "You wouldn't see it." "Okay." "That eliminates these and those and most of that side." "Are you now or have you ever been a Norse god, vampire, or time-traveling cyborg?" "I've known you since, what, first grade?" "I would have told you." "Vampire wouldn't tell." "Cyborg wouldn't know." "Shut up." "Okay, if it's not any of those, I guess, um, we're looking at your basic spirit guide transformation magic." "That's kind of a biggie, actually." "That is here." "When the hero..." " I guess that's..." "I guess, you." " Hm." "Uh, is transformed by his spirit guide to set him on a new path." " Which is what?" " Do I look like your spirit guide?" "The janitor." "The janitor." "You guys seen the janitor?" "You seen the janitor?" " Do you know where the janitor is?" "GIRL:" "No." "Hey, where's the janitor?" "Where does the janitor work?" " Excuse me!" " You all right, kid?" " There's another janitor who works here." " Just me." "No, no." "There's an older guy with white hair who works here." "I was here yesterday talking to the janit..." "I showed him this picture of me." "WOMAN:" "You?" " Yeah." "That picture's from 1989." "Right." "Forget it." "Alex!" "Alex, buddy!" "Alex!" "Hello?" "Spirit guide?" "What am I supposed to do?" "Don't know what I'm supposed to do." "NED:" "Ouch." "Oh, ow." "I got shot." "Did I get shot or did I get...?" "Someone got powned." " It's a grenade." "MIKE:" "Ned." "Aah!" "Oh, sorry." "Teenage you." "I figured it out." "I figured out what I'm supposed to do." "I figured out what my spirit guide wants me to do." "I'm going back." "I'm going back to high school, Ned!" "No!" "No, no." "No way." "Your spirit guide would not waste transformation magic on you reliving your senior year and going to prom." "No." "Ned, this is my chance to have my life over, but to do it right." " Wouldn't you, if you had the chance?" " No." "I'm rich, and nobody stuck my head in a toilet today." "Sure." "Besides, it's not just about me." " It's about you." " No, it's much bigger than me." " It's about you." " Okay, maybe it's about me but what's wrong with that?" "I have not done anything for me since 1989." "You do what you have to do." "But don't think about sucking me into this with you." "Hayden was the low point of my existence and I vowed I would never go back to that godforsaken place!" "Never, ever, ever!" "Never!" "Never, ever, ever!" "I hate you." "Hello." "I'm here to enroll my son in school." "Mark." "What's up?" "NED:" "So..." "So we'll just have a seat till you're ready for us." "We'll be right, uh..." "Okay." "What's this you're wearing?" "This is cool." "This is hip." "I have a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the same thing." " I don't know who that is." " What are you wearing?" " I told you, like a dad." " I am." " You look like Clay Aiken." " Leave him out of this." "MIKE:" "Are you sure these look legit?" " Oh, yeah." "Look who you're talking to." "I'm the guy who invented the software that prevents people from stealing music." "I also invented the software that helps people steal music but that's a happy coincidence." "MIKE:" "What is that?" "Oh, my G..." " Wrong." "These are for me." " You kidding?" " What's-her-name and Chewie's for me." " Miss Masterson will see you now." "Let's go." "Just don't try to be funny, all right?" "Say as little as possible." "Hey, watch where you're going, toolbag." " So sorry, sir." "Our fault." " Stan." "Hello." "I'm Jane Masterson, principal here at Hayden High." "MIKE:" "Hi." "Hello." "JANE:" "Hi." " Hi." "Uh, okay." "Yeah, I think we're good here." "Sorry." "I think our hands just made a baby." "Excuse my dad." "He's not used to talking to attractive women." "Oh, thank you..." " Mark." "JANE:" "Mark for that flattering yet totally inappropriate comment." "Please sit." "Before we get started, I think you should know that, uh, Mark's a bastard." "Excuse me?" "I had him out of wedlock, so I'm single." "And I'm very rich." "Okay." " Did you bring your transcripts?" " Oh, yeah." "Transcripts." "JANE:" "Last school you went to was Cutler High in Connecticut." "Straight-A student." "Very impressive." "Math club National Merit finalist Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion." "Well, I think Hayden would be lucky to have you." " Welcome." " Thank you." "Uh, yes, Mr. Gold." "Do you have a question?" "Your hair is pretty." "Ah." "Not a question, but thank you." "Would the lady mind if I smelled it?" "Now is probably a good time to tell you that I don't date students' parents." "Well, maybe I should tell you that I never don't not date the principal of my child." "Okay, come on, Dad." "Come on, Dad." "Let's go." "NED:" "I was about to close!" "MIKE:" "You have to do it right now?" "Just calm down." "You're a dad." " Hi." "Oh, my gosh." "We're in." " You see her undress me with her eyes?" "I don't think that's what that was." "Hey." "Wow." "I don't know how we did it." "It's Maggie's friends." "Watch this." " Hey, girls, how's it going?" "JAIME:" "Do I know you?" "What'd you do, mug K-Fed?" "Welcome to the bottom of the food chain." "Hey, look, you always had my back in high school, okay?" "So if your spirit guide wants you to be a fake teenager and me to be your fake dad the least I can do is make sure that my fake son doesn't look like a total douche." " I don't look like a douche." "BOY:" "What a douche." "We're going shopping." " Really?" " Yes, your shirt is bedazzled." "Bedazzled with rhinestones." "Ooh." "Let's go to school." "BOY:" "Hey, yo, check it out." "That's just rude." "What's up, dude?" "What are you looking at, punk?" "BOY 1:" "Watch it." "BOY 2:" "Wake up, douche." "Sorry." "No phones, no texting." "Settle, people." "Settle down." "Take the roughhousing outside, class." "Hello?" " Hello?" " Where the hell are you?" "Oh, cr..." " The thing." "SCARLET:" "You mean our divorce?" "Do you take any of this seriously?" "No, no!" "Yes, I take this seriously." "I had to leave the country very suddenly, uh with the Mayan..." "Inca, I'm with the Incas in Peru." "We think we might have found the next Rogaine." "Are you with a girl?" "No, no." "It's, uh, a bunch of cheerleaders." "So would you consider maybe dating a 10th-grader?" "I think we could go for full custody." "No, you can't take my kids away from me." "Since when do you care?" "MIKE:" "Look I'm a lot closer to them than you think." "Let's reschedule, okay?" "Hey, Maggie." "Um, why is the new kid waving at me?" "SAMANTHA:" "I don't know." "But if that boy were an apple he'd be a Delicious." "MIKE:" "Oh, God." "Gosh, we are all in such great shape." "Oh, jeez." "Man, you know, I will tell you something." "In 10 years you're going to have this thing right here that no amount of crunches will get rid of." "And spot reduction, total lie." "You know, I..." "Never mind." "Give me the ball." "Fakes right, goes left." "And signature move." "Kid." " I'm Coach Murphy." " Oh, wow." " You're still here?" " What?" "You're a legend." "Yeah." "Well, yeah." "Twenty years." "It's actually my last one." "Good hops, kid." "Nice handle." "We're looking for a point guard." "Oh, yeah?" " Why don't you come to tryouts?" " Okay." " I'm done talking to you." " Yeah, yeah." "Hey, how's it going?" "MIKE Things are looking up." "Coach Murphy practically put me on the team." "That's not a coincidence." "We're on the path." "That's great." "That's super you're finding your destiny and, blah, blah, whatever." "Here's something." "I need you to do something for me." "I need you to get in trouble." "Not, like, big trouble." "Just enough trouble so that the principal needs to meet with your father." "Yeah, okay, well, we'll see." " Oh!" "Boom." "BOY Ned!" "NED:" "Boom." "Checkmate, Samir!" " Damn it!" "NED:" "Checkmate." "BOY:" "Uh, can I get a little help in here?" "Alex?" "How does it...?" " Who did this to you?" " The basketball team." "But why?" "Why?" "You're one of them." "You're popular." "Uh, look, this is kind of personal, and I don't know you." " I'm taped to the toilet." " Yeah." "I'm sorry, I'm Mark Gold, uh, your uncle Ned's kid." "I just started here." "Oh, cool." "Cool, yeah." "Well, I'd shake your hand but it's taped to my ass." " Right." "Right." "Would you mind?" " Yeah, yeah, sure." " Yeah, um." " Just rip." " I'm going to get it." " Band-Aid." " Go for it." "ALEX:" "So how come we never met?" "My mom didn't want anyone to know she had a kid with Ned." " That makes sense." " Yeah." "So since we're practically family and all my dad says we should just keep an eye on each other, you know?" "Uh, yeah." "Why not?" "Next time you could get there before they tape me to the toilet." "You got it." "This looks good." "Who's that?" "Oh, uh..." " Nicole." " Are you two going out?" "No, no, she's the, uh, head cheerleader." "She'd never go out with me." "You know, when I first met your mother, I was so nervous..." "You met my mother?" " What?" " My mother." "You said, "The first time I met your mother, I was nervous."" " Oh, that's weird." "Is your mom hot?" " Dude, what...?" " What do I say to that?" " I was joking." "Joking, dude." "ALEX:" "Stan." "I hate that guy." " Oh." " Thanks." "BOY:" "What?" " Huh." " Freshman." "STAN:" "Good sandwich." "Is that the guy who taped you to the toilet?" "MIKE:" "Yeah." "Yesterday he shoved me in a washing machine in my own house." " What was that jerk doing at your house?" " It's Maggie's boyfriend." "Maggie has a boyfriend?" "Well I'm very disappointed in your sister." "He's looking." "Don't make eye contact." "He's kind of temperamental." " You're looking." "Stop it, stop it." " I'll look at him." "STAN:" "Hey, twinkle douche." "If I wanted you in the cafeteria, I would've taped you to a lunch lady." "MIKE:" "You little punk." "You don't talk to him that way." "STAN:" "Yeah?" "What are you gonna do?" "What am I gonna do?" "First I'm going to call your father." "Heads up!" "Give me my ball back, bitch." "You know, Stan, I feel sorry for you." " You don't know me." " Oh, but I do." "All too well." "You're the man." "Captain of the basketball team." "Dates the pretty girls." "High school is your kingdom." "But, people Stan's a bully." "Why?" "It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick." "No." "No, no." "Stan here is much more complex than that." "See, according to leading psychiatrists Stan's a bully for one of three reasons." "One:" "Underneath all of that male bravado there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out." "Two:" "Like a caveman Stan's brain is underdeveloped." "Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control." "And so he acts out aggressively." "And the third reason:" "Stan has a small wiener." "Don't hurt yourself, big boy." "Whoa, whoa, hey." "Drinking age is still 21, thank you very much." "Unless your spirit guide gave you a fake ID, this is mine." "What are you eating?" "I don't even know." "I just know I'm hungry." "All the time." "Okay, that's not safe or sanitary." "That's your can now." "We'll label it like that." "So, what did you learn at school today?" " That I'm a bad dad." " I thought it was going great." "It was going fantastic for me." "And then what?" "And then I found out my son spent the last year being the school punching bag and watched my daughter get a tongue bath from a psychopathic jackass." "High school's delightful, isn't it?" "Yeah." "But I think I was wrong about my spirit path." "NED:" "And who was right?" "See?" "I told you." "I told you high school was the wrong thing." "High school was right, but it's not about basketball." "It's about helping Alex and Maggie." "Mmm." "All right." "I'm getting out of here." " Disgusting." " My kids need their father." " What's going on?" " Oh, hey, Mark." "What was that?" "A three-pointer." "Can you do that twice in a row?" "Okay." "Let's see you do it with a little pressure." "Wow, you're great." "You should be on the team." "You should be on the team." "I'm going to get you on the team." "That's it." "That'll solve everything." "Dude, what are you talking about?" "Nothing." "Well, that was fun." "I haven't been to happy hour in, like, a week and a half." "Naomi, thank you so much." "That is exactly what I needed." "naomi:" "Oh, great." "SCARLET:" "Mike who?" " Mike who?" "I've never heard of the guy." "Ow." "Hey, Mom, this is Mark, Uncle Ned's bastard." "Wow." "I know." "Someone had a kid with Uncle Ned." "Ew." "You okay, Mrs. O'Donnell?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "It's "Ms.," kid." "It's "Ms.," Scarlet." "Don't forget that." "Oh, right." "Wow." "You look just like my husband." "Doesn't he?" " My ex-husband." "That is so weird." " Heh, heh." "It is weird." "SCARLET:" "What is that?" "naomi:" "Scarlet, I need you to come." "SCARLET:" "Weird." " Do you see that?" " I did see it." "SCARLET:" "You see him?" " She's nice." "But look at him." "You gotta let that guy go, just out of your brain and move on." "I know you need to grieve a relationship." "It's only natural." "Okay." "You wait here." "I'm going to go smell him." "No, no, no." "Sweetie." "You're not allowed to smell teenagers." "Sweetie, you need to hear me on this." "Here's the thing." "The other thing, you need to acknowledge that he looks exactly like Mike used to look in high school." "We discussed that." "I have looked at him." "But, honey, this is the thing:" "You need to hook up with someone new." "Yeah, I deserve to have somebody smile at me and tell me I'm pretty." " You do." " Even if it is to just get me to go home with him." "Or lunch." "But, yes, we're gonna find you a new playmate." "Ow!" "You little turd." "You little snot." "My bad." "Gosh, I'm so sorry." "I guess I was, uh, kind of distracted, as I imagine Alex was at hearing about how his mother, who is still married, by the way is planning to run around with every guy she can get." "In Afghanistan, she'd be dragged through the streets by goats with her hands cut off." "I'm just saying." "I'm just saying, Naomi." " Naomi." " I don't care." " Hey, guys." "MAGGIE:" "Oh." "Okay, settle down." "Take your seats." "Thank you, thank you." "Thank you, Stan." "Thank you." "Okay, today we will be continuing our discussion on human sexuality." "And as we discussed, the official school policy is abstinence." "Now, that is very sensible." "I'm glad that someone here has their head screwed on straight." "I think all of us should make a pact to abstain from sex." "Now, who's with me, you guys?" "Come on." "Oh, my God." " Maggie?" " Hm?" "DELL:" "However, let's get real." "I know asking high school seniors to be abstinent is like asking a porcupine to poop goat cheese." "Yuck." "So since the majority of you are or will become sexually active at some point..." "But that point should be way, way in the future, right?" "Well, the official school position is that we prepare you for safe sex now." "So please take one and pass it down." "I have needs." " You don't need these." "DELL:" "Stan, give one to Mark." "No." "No, you know what, he's right." "He's right." "I don't need one." "You know why I don't need one?" "Because there's no one I'm in love with." "It's called "making love," isn't it?" "Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think that means you do it with someone you love." "And preferably when you're married." "You know, when you're ready to take that love and turn it into a baby." "Because that's what love is." "It's that first moment when you hold your baby girl and you didn't know that anything could be so small or so delicate." "And you feel that tiny heart beat and you know that you couldn't love anything more in the whole world." "And you hope that you can do right by that little girl and always be there to catch her when she falls, and that nothing ever hurts her." "Not a broken arm or a bad dream or a broken heart." " I don't want these." "Just take them." "LAUREN:" "Me either." "Are you serious?" "Great, fine, wonderful." "More for me." "Now I got enough for the whole weekend." "Oh, my God!" " Stan!" " Boys, stop it!" "Break it up!" "Get off him, Stan!" "Put those phones away!" "Stop it!" " Stop hitting him!" "DELL:" "No fighting!" " You like that?" " You're gonna go to jail again." "BOY:" "Look at that." "He slapped him like a mother." "GIRL:" "That thing sucks." " Oh!" " Oh, that's wrong." "Yo, check this out." "My cousin in New York sent it to me." "I hope I'm not late for our meeting." "Busted for fighting, nice." "Who won?" "You know, it was actually pretty even." "Really?" "On YouTube it looked like you got your ass kicked." "I saw it a couple times." " What are you wearing?" " Hm?" " Beckham." " No, what?" "Oh, the clothes." "Oh, right." "To the untrained eye, I look like a total idiot." "You do, in fact." "Ah." "But it's actually a seduction technique known as "peacocking."" "My outfit serves the dual function of icebreaker and attention-getter." "You can go in now." "Watch." "Are you peacocking?" "Really?" "You think that's gonna work?" "I think it just might." "Is that?" "Mrs. O'Donnell!" "How you doing?" "Hello, how are you?" "I'm good." "How are you?" "Good." "Wow." "This is gonna take some getting used to." "You're Ned's son?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Ned gave birth to me." "Well, he didn't give birth..." "You know what I meant." "You're doing some gardening." " I'm redoing the backyard." " Oh." "You want to see?" "Yeah, sure." "I got some time." "Oh, wow." "Yeah." "Obviously, I still have a lot to do." " You can put that..." " Right here?" "All right." "Thank you." " So this is it." " This is it." "It used to look a lot worse." "Mm-mm." "Basically, uh, what I planned to do was to put a pond in over here..." " Okay." "...and have water streaming in from both sides." "And then put a big deck right here and then a flagstone patio there with sod in between." "That would be pretty." "And then to have twinkling lights above the whole thing so that every night is a starry one." "Heh." "It's gonna be amazing, Scar." "What did you just call me?" "Uh..." " I just said, "lt'll be amazing."" " You called me "Scar."" "My husband's the only one who calls me that." "Could you use some help?" "Volunteer." "I'm young, I'm strong." "Oh." "Oh." "Right, got it." "Okay." "I realize that whole lady cougar hunting the "mothers I'd like to," you know, whatever, thing is big with you guys, right?" "With you high school boys?" "But that's not gonna happen between me and you." "I didn't even mean it that way." "I was thinking more along the lines of business experience, college application." "But if you want to go there, that's..." " So I'll just get you a shovel, then?" " Yeah." "Okay." "What?" "MIKE:" "I said we could do it!" " Called it." "Did you see the look on Stan's face?" "Alex?" "What happened at the tryouts?" "How'd it go?" "It was good." "Mark had a great tryout." "He played great." " Yeah." " And so did I. I made the team." "Really?" "Oh, great!" "That's so good." "I'm so proud of you." "Me too." "He did great out there." "Oh, Mark." "That's super inappropriate." "L..." "Good job today." " Good job!" " Thanks." "I want to show you something." "Come here." "I wanna show you guys." "Ta-da." " You hung the lights." "SCARLET:" "Yes." " Wow." " Wow." "I wanted you guys to be the first to see." " Mom, it's sick." "SCARLET:" "Really?" "ALEX:" "It's so good." "Oh, my gosh." "Mark." "Mark, we should go practice, dude." "The game's on Friday." "Mom, such a good job." "What do you think?" "It's amazing." "When people see how talented you are, you'll be designing gardens all over the city." "Really?" "Well, thank you, Mark." "That's nice." "Oh." " I have to go." "I have a date tonight." " You have a...?" "You have a date?" "I'm going dancing, which is ridiculous because I'm a terrible dancer." " You're an amazing dancer." " What?" " Hm?" "Ahem." " Wh...?" "You just look like you can move." "Um, okay." "I'm going to go, so have fun, Mark." "Night." " What are you looking at?" " That was great." "That is The Snake." "That was a very hot dance when you were 1." " Teach it to me." " I can't." "It's a very advanced step which I know is hard to believe because I make it look effortless." "That's the secret to all great dancers." "Try me." "Why did you pick that song?" "Oh, I don't know." "It just, uh, kind of spoke to me." "Hm." "That's funny." "That's the song that my husband and I danced to at our wedding." "Hm." "A man of good taste." " Want me to show you some dance moves?" " I'd love to." "That I learned at my wedding." " Great." " Yeah." "Okay, you stand here, like that." "Okay, like that, and I'll stand here." " No, you stand right there." " Right there." "Okay, ready?" "So you go right foot back and then left foot back." "And then quick right, left, right, left, right." "And then right..." "Oh." "That was good." "And left, right, left, right." "That's good." "That was really good." "You're picking that up pretty quickly." "MIKE:" "So you mentioned your husband." " Mm-hm." "Do you think you guys are ever going to get back together?" "Um, no." "Why are you so sure?" "Maybe there's something he could do to fix things." "I love my husband and care about him but sometimes that just is not enough." "Well, he blew it." "Jump." " Mom?" " Yeah." "Hey, Alex." " Mom?" "ALEX:" "I'm your mom." "I am Alex's mom, Mark." "MIKE:" "Yeah." " Your date is here." " Huh?" " The front door." "Your date." " Okay." "She was nervous." "It's creepy, right?" "Little bit." "She's so old, it's like..." "Dance with all your friend's moms?" "MIKE:" "Pretty much." "MAN:" "Oh, hi, Scarlet." " Hello." " Wow, you look amazing." "Here." "Pour vous." "SCARLET:" "Oh, thank you." "Carnations." "What a douche bag." "Mark." "DEAN:" "No, that's okay." " I'm sorry." "DEAN:" "I'm a single dad." "It's totally normal for sons to feel weird when their moms date." "I mean, he's stepping into Dad's shoes, protecting the castle." " He's not my son, but..." " Oh." "Then that's weird." " It is." "DEAN:" "Yeah." " Uh, do you want to go?" " Yeah." "Let me get my coat." " Oh, come on." " Hold these, please." " This guy?" " You're being rude." " You're going from Uncle Mike to this guy?" " Shh." " Be quiet." " Okay." " Do me a favor." "Shh." " He's a tool." "Give this to Ned, okay, to give to Mike." "It's our divorce papers." "And remind him that he needs to be there on the 27th." "Okay?" "Thank you." "Where are you going?" "MAGGIE:" "Jamie's party." "Alex!" "ALEX:" "Yeah, uh, seriously, I can't be here." "I really can't be here." "Do you know how many dangerous and hurtful things Stan could do to me here?" "You had your head shoved in a ball return?" "It's not a massage." "You're on the basketball team now." "Okay?" "This is your party." "ALEX:" "Okay, okay, there she is." "There's Nicole." "Oh, God." " Which one?" "ALEX:" "She's right there." "You're looking at..." "She's my 3, your 2." " Stop it." "You're looking right at her." " Calm down." " Sorry." " What was that?" " Nothing, it was a burp." " Why are you burping?" " I have tummy issues." "What?" "Get over it." " Tummy issues?" "She's not going to like me." "I'm a loser." "Why are you a loser?" "Because Stan says you're a loser?" "Do you think Stan's a winner?" "Stan's going nowhere." "Any girl in here would be lucky to have your attention." " What do you know about girls?" " What do I know about girls?" "I used to date the most beautiful girl in school and I let her slip through my fingers." "But I won't let that happen to you." "You're absolutely right." "I'm just going to walk up to her and introduce myself." "Tomorrow at school." "Maybe." "Probably not." "Just go." " Hey, girls." " Hey, you came." " How are you?" " Good." "Thank you, um." "Have you seen Maggie?" "I've been looking everywhere." "Oh, um, Maggie's not here." "But, um, I am." "And I'm really, really glad you came." "LAUREN:" "It's her birthday." " I didn't get you a present, I'm sorry." " I'll just have to unwrap you." " Heh, heh." "Okay." "I was kicked off the cheerleading squad for being too flexible." "Okay, okay." "Sit down." "Just sit down." "If you girls don't respect yourselves then how do you expect anyone else to respect you?" "Right?" "Don't respect me." "No, don't respect me." "You don't even have to remember my name." " Wow, that's slutty." " First of all, you slut." "This is some other dad's problem." "And, um, I just want to tell you that you look like my dog." " Excuse me?" " Your hair looks like my dog's hair." " Oh, um..." " No, it's shiny and soft." "We give my dog special food." "It's got flax in it." "Oh, flax." " She's a sweetheart." " That's sweet." "Well, she died." "So I look like your dead dog?" "I'm just really nervous, and I've wanted to talk to you for so long." " What am I thinking?" " Don't worry about it." "Really." " Alex?" " Oh, my God, you know my name." "You're on fire." " Really?" " Literally, you're on fire." "What?" "NICOLE:" "Literally on fire." "Whoa." "Okay." "Yeah, I'm gonna get out of here." "Later." "Just hand me those keys right there." "BOY:" "They're in for the night." "STAN:" "If the keys are locked in there, I don't know how I'm going to get you guys out." "Conserve some oxygen in there." "Don't scream, you have a limited amount of oxygen." "They're pretty, huh?" "We got some pretty ladies in here." "Oh, there you are." " What do you want?" " I just want to talk about Stan." "Yeah?" "Why are you dating him?" "I mean, you know he is not a nice guy." "He's crazy." "Hey, don't say that about Stan." "You don't even know him." "Oh, but I do." "I really do." "I know him better than you." "Look, we're moving in together after graduation." "Stan got into Georgetown?" " What?" " What?" "No." "No." "Stan got on the management track at Home Depot." "Oh, great." "And I'm going to Westwood Community College to be closer to him." "He's my forever." " There's no way in hell that's happening." " Excuse me?" "I said, "There's no way in hell that that is happening."" "You think I'm gonna let you mortgage your future?" "You think I'll let you throw away your hard work everything that you've accomplished for some psychopathic guy who doesn't care about you?" "I forbid you." "I forbid you to see him anymore." "Oh, okay!" "Who the hell do you think you are, my father?" "!" "Dude!" " Don't walk away from me." " You're a freak." "Margaret Sarah O'Donnell!" " Hey." "How'd it go?" " Fantastic." "What's on your leg?" "CHEERLEADERS We're the Warriors!" "Yeah, yeah!" "MURPHY:" "Remember:" "Defense wins the game." "What's wrong?" "You look uncomfortable." "Oh." "No." "I was just thinking that the last time I was here my husband asked me to marry him." "Wow." "Tough to compete with that." "Down by 6, get the ball to Gold." "Warriors on three." "One, two, three." "TEAM:" "Warriors!" "MURPHY:" "Stan, what are you doing?" "Let's go." "Go, Alex!" "Whoo!" "Woo-hoo." "PLAYER 1:" "Left side." "PLAYER 2:" "Pick off!" "Right there!" "PLAYER 3:" "He's got too much time." "Come on!" "PLAYER 4:" "Yeah!" "PLAYER 5:" "Get it to McKinley!" "Get it in!" "Get it!" "PLAYER 6:" "Get him!" "Ball!" "PLAYER 7:" "Come on, outside!" "O'Donnell!" "Give the ball to Gold!" "Give the ball to Gold!" "No, no, no!" "We did it!" "You were great." "Oh." "Ooh." "I, um..." " I'm sweaty." "Um..." " Sorry about that." "Congratula..." "That was awesome." "You did a great..." "I saw the..." "I liked the dance." "Yeah, so I think August..." "August will be good." "All right, uh, have a good night." "See you tomorrow." "Oh." "Hi." "Wow, what are the odds?" "What's it going to be now?" "Did you buy me the Statue of Liberty?" "I'm just going to ask you out, okay?" "Like a grownup." "Just two friends having dinner." "Then if it turns into anything else, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." "No." "Good night." "I'll buy every student a laptop." "You would deny the children of laptops?" " Miss Masterson, the children." " Okay." "Okay, fine, fine." "Fine." "But this is not a date." "No, in no way a date." "And if I do this, you will stop the inappropriate behavior and gifts." " Yes." " And we'll just drive to this restaurant." "We won't fly there in the space shuttle or drive in some gaudy, tacky limo." "No, let's take your car." "How about?" "This way." "Ned to driver, abort." "Abort, abort." "Move it out right now." "I totally missed it." "She came right up to me, I should've kissed her." "And I froze." "Hey, don't worry." "I'll get you another chance." "How?" "How are you going to do that?" "Victory party at my house!" "Maggie." "Maggie?" "Hey, Maggie." "Go away." "Hey, what happened?" "What do you want?" "Rub it in my face?" "Say, "I told you so"?" "No." "No, I really don't." "Just tell me what happened." "Stan dumped me." "Stan dumped you?" "Stan dumped you?" "What?" "What happened?" "How did this...?" "What did he do?" "What did he do?" "After the game..." "We..." "He took me behind the quad, and we..." "I can't hear this." "You didn't." " No, Mags." " No." "No." "That's why he dumped me." "Mags, hey." "Hey, hey, it's okay." "You know when you're young, everything feels like the end of the world." "It's not." "Right." "It's just the beginning." "You might have to meet a few more jerks but one day you're going to meet a boy who treats you the way that you deserve to be treated:" "Like the sun rises and sets with you." "You really think so?" "I know so." "That's so sweet." "You're the sweetest." " Thank you." " It's okay." " Ow." "Oh." " Thank you." "Anyways, I, uh, came over here..." "I was looking for you." "I wanted to invite you to my party." "I don't know if you want to come." " Yes." "I would love to." " Yeah." " Great." "That's exciting." " Thank you!" " Aah!" "Yay!" " Yes." "Yay." " Thank you." " That's very exciting." "I know, it's great." "Ha, ha." "See you tonight." ""At Mark's house."" "BOY:" "Hey, that's cool." "Let me see that." "That is nice, man." "Don't touch the toys, okay?" "ALEX:" "Yeah, I'll, uh, try not to light myself on fire tonight." " I'll keep a fire extinguisher handy." "ALEX:" "Oh, good." " Do you want to sit outside?" " Sure." "That's delightful." "What?" "What?" " Okay, I don't know how to act normal." " Clearly." "It's the story of my life." "I'm not smooth." "I'm just trying to impress you, okay?" "I'm not the kind of guy who comes to places like this." "I'm a dork." "The kind of guy who spends 10 grand on Gandalf the Grey's quarterstaff from The Two Towers." "Yes, that does make you a dork." "Especially since Gandalf the Grey was only in Fellowship." "He returns in Two Towers as Gandalf the White." "STAN:" "I was upset." "I'm sorry, okay?" "I need you to show me that you love me." "And that way we can get a place together." "Stop it." "Look, whatever." "I'm with somebody else now." " What?" " Party's over, Stan." "Just get out of here." "STAN:" "Oh, yeah?" "Who's gonna make me leave?" "You?" "You know I would, but it smells like you've been drinking so I'm just gonna let the cops do it." "STAN:" "You can have the nun." "She doesn't put out, anyway." "On second thought..." "MIKE:" "Oh, I just had the craziest dream." "I was 17." "I was back in high school, and it was terrible." "Scar." "Scar?" "I don't see a scar." "Look, I know why you didn't want me to be with Stan." "It's because you wanted me." "You want to play games?" "I can play games." " No, no, no." " I'm a hungry lioness and you're a baby gazelle." "Maggie!" "No, no, no, Maggie, stop this now." "If you only knew how highly inappropriate and dysfunctional this is." "Stop it." "Please stop." "Maggie, I'm not the person that you think I am." " Yes, you are." " No, I'm not." "You're right, you're good." "You're not like the others." "I'm not like others." "I'm very different than the others." "So different, in fact, that you and I can never, ever, ever, ever be together." " Stop biting." " Why?" "Oh." "Oh, my God." "What are you saying?" "Are you confused?" "I'm very confused, yes." "Extremely confused." "Oh, my God." "I..." "I..." "I get it now." "And your hair is always perfectly coiffed, and you have highlights." " What are you talking about?" " I mean..." "Dude, your jeans are really tight." "I'm not gay." "I'm in love, Maggie." "I'm in love." "I've been in love." "I've been in love with the same girl since I was 17, Maggie." "Does she go to our school?" "Do I know her?" "Tell me her name." "I want to know her name." " No, Maggie." "No." " Okay." "You tell your girlfriend she better keep a close eye on you." "Sweet baby Jesus." "Thanks." "We'll take the check." "I'm so dead." "GIRL:" "Excuse me." " Scarlet?" "Scarlet?" "Scarlet." " Hi." " What are you doing here?" " You seen Alex?" "He's not picking up his phone." "Alex is fine." "Alex is fine, believe me." "In fact, with the way things are going by the end of the night Alex could have a girlfriend." " Alex has a girlfriend?" " Yeah, and she's great." "She's cute." " Come on, I'll show you." " Where?" "Walk up the stairs." "Walk with me for one sec, I'll show you." "So how ever did you get the newest version of Halo?" "It's not due out for another six months." "Well, let's just say I said some things to the Make-A-Wish people that I'm not totally proud of." "I'm going to kill him." "Everybody, out!" "Oh, no, no." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Not Dr. Philsopholis." "This party is over!" "Unless you want to spend the next three months in detention, leave!" "Now!" "Okay." "We better go warn Mark." "SCARLET:" "You really care about him, don't you?" " Yeah." " That's nice." "That's really nice." "He really needs a male role model." " He's a great kid." " Mm-hm." "You know, they both are." "I think you're a great mother." "Thank you." "He's on the balcony." "He's right there." " Mom?" " This has been a really tough time and you really feel like part of the family." "You have no idea how amazing it is to hear you say that." "Scarlet." "Scarlet!" "Scarlet, I'm not Mark, okay?" " I'm him, I'm me." "Scarlet, I'm your husband." " Will you stop it already?" "If you'd listen to me, I am the father of your children!" "Scar, let me..." "Don't call me that." "Don't call me that!" "You are a weirdo little man-child!" "Give me two seconds, and I can explain this!" "You are a pervert!" "Get out, and get out, and get out." "JANE:" "You can leave." "Well, this isn't exactly the inconspicuous relationship I wanted." "I'm sure now you can see why I don't date my students' parents." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I had no idea that it was going to get so out of control." " Hm." "MIKE:" "Really?" " Now I'm sorry." " I guess I deserved that." "The second one was out of line." "It was uncalled for." "Sorry." "Are you okay?" "I'm really sorry." "Three makes it even." "Now we're even." "How are you?" "You okay?" "Yeah." "And finished." "With the rug area." "But we've made very good progress." "We deserve a break." "I lost my family." "Hey, Mike?" "If it's any consolation, I think you really did help your kids." "You did your job, and now the hero can move on." "I don't want to." "Maybe they don't need me anymore, but I need them." "Hey, not to be a buzzkill but you're due in court in 22 minutes." "Ned, I need more time." " I have to stop this." " To the Nedmobile." " Wait, Ned, Ned, Ned." " Yes." " Pants." " I should have pants on." "Yes." "NED:" "Come on, Glenn!" "He's nothing but a glorified midget wrangler." "You wouldn't be so big without that vest!" "Grab that thing that's down there." "Grab it." "Just hold that up." " Where you get this?" " Best 20 ever spent." "Saves me a half hour on my commute." "Dude, just hold it." "Hold it way up." " The whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God?" "SCARLET:" "I do." "You request a divorce by the state of California citing irreconcilable differences." "This correct?" " Yes, Your Honor." " Is Michael O'Donnell present?" "No, Your Honor." "I take his absence as agreement to the orders of the divorce." " You are not requesting sole custody?" " No, Your Honor." ""You can't handle the truth!"" "What?" "I'm sorry, I panicked." "It was the first thing that came into my mind." "Your Majesty." " Who are you?" " That's my husband's best friend." "You a lawyer, best friend?" " Yes." " No." "I believe the law degree in my pocket says so." "Yes, and it's a little bit smeared because I sat on it in the car not because I printed it out recently." "Let's pretend that's real." "Want to explain what you're doing?" "We are stopping a gross miscarriage ofjustice!" "That..." "Okay, if you'd just let me explain." "I can explain this." "If you would just listen..." "I've got a letter from Mike O'Donnell, he's the husband in this case!" "I'm sorry." "We're in the middle..." "Your Honor, if it's okay, I'd like to hear the letter, please." "MIKE:" "Thank you, Your Honor." "This is a letter from Mike O'Donnell." "He wanted me to read it." ""Scarlet before you go through with this I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988." "It was the first time that I saw you." "You were reading Less Than Zero." "You were wearing a Guns N' Roses T-shirt." "I'd never seen anything so perfect." "I remember thinking that I had to have you, or I'd die." "Then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance." "And I felt so peaceful and safe." "Because I knew that no matter what happened from that day on nothing could ever be that bad." "Because I had you." "Uh..." "And then I grew up and I lost my way." "And I blamed you for my failures." "And I know that you think you have to do this today." "I don't want you to." "But I guess if I love you I should let you move on."" "JUDGE:" "All right, son, you need to go now." "Let's proceed." "I'm sorry, Your Honor." "Would it be okay if we postpone this for now for just a little while?" "Would that be okay?" "Postponed 30 days." "Next case." "NED:" "Haven't seen you practice this hard since school." "Yeah, you know, if I want to impress these college scouts then I need to stay focused." "Wait, wait." "You're not still trying to get a scholarship, are you?" "Be careful, man." "You do not want to get off of the spirit path." "There's no path, Ned!" "There's no path!" "I can't do it!" "I just made it worse for them." "My wife is happier, everyone's happier with me out of the picture, Ned." "It's time to move on." "It's time to go, Mom." "Hey, Gold, save something for the game, huh?" "Just warming up, coach." "Got a little inside info for you." "The scout from Ohio State is back, and the coach is with him." "You play half the game I know you're capable of you're going to be playing college ball next year, huh?" " That's the plan, coach." " Give me the ball." "All right, gather up, jockstraps." "Picture time." "Try not to break the camera." "I can't wait to go to Georgetown and start dating college boys." "I thought Mark was hanging out with Alex to get to me, not you." "All right, ladies, let's bring it in." "NED:" "Jane!" "Jane!" "Jane!" "I'm sorry, sorry." "JANE:" "Ned, Ned, Ned." " Oh, sorry." "JANE:" "Ned." "Yeah." "Hi." " Hi." " I need to talk to you." " What are you doing?" "I practiced this, uh." "Okay." "I have just seen my best friend lose everything than means anything to him." "And maybe we'll never be there, but..." "Yes, I understand, but I have told you before that I am the principal..." " Yes." "...and I cannot be seen with my students' parents." "But, Jane, how can you be seen with me when I'm wearing the cloak of invisibility?" "Jane, all I'm asking is a chance for us to be friends." "Because you're the one I want by my side when I'm storming the Elvish Castle of Ganakinesh." "You can plunder my dungeon anytime." "I'll bring my long bow." "TEAM:" "Warriors!" "Yeah!" "Come on." "Oh, my God." "MAGGIE:" "Mom?" "Are you okay?" "I can't be here again." "I have to go." "SCARLET:" "The game." "That's your future." "MIKE:" "The baby's my future." "SCARLET:" "That's crazy, Mike." "No, I can't let you throw this all away." "Bye, Mike." "JANITOR:" "High school star." "Never lived up to potential." " What are you doing?" "MIKE:" "I want to live in the past." "JANITOR:" "I'll bet you wish you had it to do all over again." "Hello?" "!" "NED:" "It's a classic transformation story." "MIKE:" "Spirit guide?" "You and me, we're in this together." "It's your turn now." "Traveling." "Green ball!" "O'Donnell, get in there!" "Scarlet!" "Scar?" "Scarlet?" "It is you." "MIKE:" "Hi." ""Hi"?" "I can explain." "You can?" "No, not at all." " You didn't have to come after me again." " Yes, I did, because I love you." "You're the best decision I ever made, I just forgot." "And then I fell off a bridge and things got pretty weird after that." "But I'm never going to forget again." "Look, I know that I've been in a bad mood for the last 20 years." "But if you let me, I swear, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you." "I thought I wanted a second chance at life but now I know I just want a second chance with y..." "Weird." "Yeah." "I missed you." "Yeah, I'm gonna put you down because this was a lot easier before." "Yeah, you did have that six-pack thing going." "Is there any chance I'll see that again?" "I knew you were checking me out." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "SCARLET:" "Adults can have that, though." "MIKE:" "Well, I'll work on it." "Maybe I'll jog home." "Ned, hey." "I packed up all my stuff and I wanted to give your key back and say thanks." "Hey, whoa." "No." "No." "Wasn't expecting to see you there, Principal Masterson." "You look very pretty." "Thank you." "The Force is strong in this one." "So I guess I'll be seeing you at work, boss." "Oh, yes, uh, Coach O'Donnell." "And, um, we are very happy to have you aboard." "Buddy, I got you a little something for your first day at your new job." "Don't think about how much it cost, it's not much." "Hey, you got me a whistle." "Don't blow it." "Play big." "You too." "JANE:" "Good luck." "NED:" "Love you!" "MIKE:" "Love you!"