"Charlie, are you in there?" "What?" "I'm in the shower." " What?" " What?" "Damn it." "What the hell?" "I'm naked." "You better have a fistful of singles or get out." "Yeah, whatever." "You couldn't hear me." "Now don't look." "I gotta pee." "There's two other bathrooms in this house." "Yeah, well, I'm in a hurry and I got to talk to you." "Can you handle Sam's sleepover this weekend?" "Man." "I really wish I could." "I have big plans." "Which I'm desperately trying to come up with even as we speak." "Well, I have actual plans." "A guy invited me to Palm Springs for the weekend to play golf." "You don't play golf." "He's a cosmetic dentist." "He's rich." "I play golf." "No way." "This is why we have a schedule." "Okay." "I'm going to approach this differently." "That's one." "You're going to scald me into a sleepover?" "Let's ask the toilet." "Okay!" "Okay!" "Damn you." "I'll do it." "What the hell was that for?" "That's for covering up the tattoo of my name on your butt." "I didn't cover it." "I just added" ""For a good time, call..." and your phone number." "I don't know who I thought was going to see it, but it seemed like a funny idea at the time." "I have a quick little topic I would like to cover before we break." "Somebody gave me a negative review on Yelp." "What the hell is Yelp?" "It's the sound you make when you sit on your balls." "Yes." "It's also a site where anyone can review anything anonymously." "The complaint was that I go off topic." "Now, I'm not going to jump to any conclusions or make a big deal about it." "So maybe you could just tell me who did it." "I knew it was you!" "Actually, it wasn't, but I do think you're going off topic." "All right, forget the Yelp thing." "I'm just going to let it go." "Anybody have any last things they would like to discuss?" "I knew it was you!" "No." "I'm a little nervous about a date I got tonight." "I'm sorry." "I didn't realize your group was still in session." "I'll go wait in the kitchen." "That's all right, Kate." "We're almost done." "Oh, yeah." "We're all friends here." "Come on, sit down next to Texas Thunder." "Thanks." "I'm just going to grab some coffee and ride out the storm." "Anyway, I've been dating this girl from work for about a month now." "You do know that accidentally walking next to someone on the way to the bathroom isn't dating?" "That is how we met, but now it's real." "So, tonight's our fourth date and we're in that awkward phase." "Right before she gets weirded out and doesn't want a fifth date." "Nolan, why so negative?" "Things don't have to work out that way." "Have some confidence in yourself." "You're a great guy." "We're not taking opposing views yet, Patrick." "I just wish I was better at liking myself." "That's one of the things I hate about me." "I really just want this one to work out." "I mean, Athena, she's different than the girls I usually date." "When you say different, you mean no angry voicemails, no drunken tirades, no stealing your car and using it in a liquor store robbery?" "Yeah." "Debbie was great, but Athena is different than that." "And she's a gentle lover in bed." "That's right." "We did it." "Sick." "If for some reason you make it to a fifth date," "I would love to meet this "woman" and see if she actually exists." "Yeah." "Untie her from the radiator and bring her in." "No." "I haven't told her I'm in anger therapy yet." "I wouldn't really be comfortable introducing her to the group." "Oh, we'll be nice." "We'll just put her up here on the table, turn her around a couple of times, see if she's a good breeding filly." "Because I believe that's the nicest thing that's going to happen to her here," "I'm going to nip this in the bud." "Nolan, I think you should focus on your date tonight." "So, where are you taking her?" "Well, there's that discount sushi truck I've been trying to catch up with." "Or else just the Merry Peasant for drinks." "I'd go with the Peasant." "I mean, unless you're going to propose, then definitely go with the poisoned sushi." "You're not really going to do that, right?" "Do what?" "Show up at the bar to help Nolan get to the fifth date with that girl." "What are you talking about?" "Please, Charlie." "Why else would you ask him where he's going on his date?" "It's for a research paper." ""Places Patients Go On Dates."" "it's a follow-up to my earlier work, "Bipolar's Guide to Amusement Parks."" "You're overly involved in your patients' lives and it's a big problem." "Look, I'm just gonna pretend I'm an old buddy and chat the guy up in front of his date." "Tell her he's solid, dependable, charismatic." "I happen to be a very persuasive, you know, liar." "Charlie, you have a distant mother and a critical father, and that is why you have an overwhelming need to be loved by everyone." "Including your patients." "Or I just want to help my patients have a healthier life." "I guess you don't." "My God, how do you look at yourself in the mirror?" "Except for the fact that you're very, very pretty." "So I was thinking, maybe we could go to the Renaissance fair this weekend." " Are you free?" " Yeah." "That would be our fifth date, methinks." "But thine would have to drive." "As my car needeth a new belt of timing." "Hey, Nolan." "Charlie." "What are you doing here?" "I just stopped by for a drink." "Hi, I'm Charlie." "This is Athena." "Athena, this is Charlie." " Hi, Charlie." " Hi." "I don't want to bother you two." "Looks like you're having fun." "Obviously, everybody has fun with Nolan." "Solid, dependable, charismatic Nolan." "We have a great time whenever we're hanging out." "So how do you guys know each other?" "Charlie's my..." "Urologist." "Really?" "You're his penis doctor?" "Yes." "Because that's what a urologist is." " So my penis is fine, right?" " It's delightful." "Excuse me." "There's a guy at the bar who's really lit, and he's pissed because I had to cut him off." "I think I need your professional skills." "Oh, my God." "ls something wrong with his penis?" "I'm off the clock, Brett." "Maybe you should call the cops and go handle it." "No." "You're an anger management therapist and you're right here." "Wait." "Ls that how you know him?" "Were you just lying to me?" "Are you in anger therapy?" "Well, maybe." "Kind of." "Yeah." "I'm just going to handle this myself." "I can't believe this." " Athena, it's not what you think." " It is exactly what I think." "Someone lied to me, right to my face." "Don't call me." "Don't come over." "We're done." "Okay." "Before you say anything, let me just say..." "Dinner's on me." "Whatever plans you have today, break them." "That's a problem because my plan today was to break all my plans." "Now I'm confused." " Here." " What are these?" "Spaces available for your new office." "Why?" "Are they bulldozing my living room and putting in a new shopping mall?" "You know how you're not supposed to work in your bed because it's where you sleep?" "I don't know if I agree." "I think I do some of my best work in bed." "Yes, you do." "You show up whenever you're supposed to and you keep a tidy workspace and you've gone 110 days without an accident." "My point is, having patients in your home makes you feel like they're your family." "And that just encourages you to get over-involved in their lives." "Will you stop worrying about that?" "I'm telling you, it's not a problem for me." "It is." "You almost went to the bar last night to make sure that your patient had a good date." "I didn't almost go to the bar." " So you went to the bar?" " Yes." " And it went badly?" " No." " It went horribly?" " Yes." "That's Nolan and Athena." "I'm going to help get them back together." "You are in complete denial." "Well, maybe, but it's better than partial denial." "That's so wishy-washy." "I say go big or go home." "I'm so sorry." "I overreacted." "I do that a lot." "That's okay." "Most people think you have to be angry to be in anger therapy, but there are lots of other related issues." "Like Nolan's." "You can't lump people together." "Not all the Vikings raped and pillaged." "Some of them just liked sailing." "You know what, Nolan?" "Those rape analogies don't always work, but that one is on the money." "I just want you to know that I'm here for you on yourjourney." "Ourjourney." "I feel so much better." "Now I don't have to hide anything." "Thank you, Charlie." "I love you, man." "I'm getting a little emotional." "I'll be right back." "Are we done?" "As soon as Nolan gets back from the bathroom." " I guess you can go." " Really?" "Thanks." " Did I say something wrong?" " No, you're a therapist." "You're God." "Well, we better go." "If we leave now, we can still make the Renaissance fair." "Thanks again for taking the time to explain everything to me so that Nolan and I could get back together." "I won't forget this." "Do you blink?" "I don't think you blink." "I don't want to miss anything." "See ya." " Hey, Nolan." " Hey." "Sent you a couple of emails, didn't hear anything back." " Is everything all right?" " Yeah." "I was over at Athena's and I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, my computer was smashed on the floor." "Athena said her cat did it." " Her cat?" " Yeah." "I mean, her cat's real crazy." "I guess he was playing with my phone and erased all my old girlfriends' numbers." "Nolan, I've never had a cat, so maybe I'm alarmed for nothing." "It sounds like you, me and Athena need to have another session." "Not necessary." "I actually want to talk about Athena in group today." "That's very healthy." "Let's get started." "Okay." "Wait." "Where's Ed?" "Turns out he was the one who complained about me on Yelp." "Apparently, he also complained about the Patriot Act." "So now he's down at the federal building trying to prove he's not a Honduran national." "Now, I think Nolan has something he'd like to share." "Thanks, Charlie." "I'm leaving the group." "Bye, everybody." "Okay, cool." "My turn." "Hold on." "Hold on, Patrick." "What do you mean you're leaving, Nolan?" "Well, last night, Athena was explaining to me how inappropriate it is for my therapist to be meddling in a patient's personal life." "And she really knows because she's been in therapy a bunch of times." "I mean, a lot." "What was she in therapy for?" "She said it's very complicated and that the records were burned in an unexplained fire in her foster home." "It's weird, huh?" "But here's the good news." "We're moving in together." "Bye, everybody." "At the risk of being too involved in your personal life, do you really feel you know her well enough to move in with her?" "Athena said you'd say the exact same thing." "She's pretty much right about everything." "She said I don't need to go to therapy anymore because she can tell me what to do." "Nolan, from what I'm hearing, we need to keep talking." "This is a terrible time for you to leave therapy, but this is group." "Why don't we hear what the group has to say?" "Okay." "I'll go first." "Nolan, there are so many issues, I don't even know where to start." "One." "I'm amazed you even know how to get here by yourself." "Two." "Who would want you with that hair?" "Three." "Think with your head, not with your wiener." "Four." "Who would want you with that shirt?" " Five..." " All right, Lacey." "But you did say something in there that made sense." " The wiener thing?" "I knew it." " Yes." "Nolan, I think your feelings for Athena may be clouding yourjudgment." "She didn't push me into anything." "She said to take my time and really think about it." "That's Athena." "She misses me." "I gotta go get her stuff from her ex-boyfriend's place while he's still at work." "You've got to help him, Charlie." "It's like watching a baby possum crossing the road at night." "I've hit so many." "I can't watch another one die." "Well, then you might want to rinse off your bumper 'cause here comes a big one." "Hey, Charlie." "I felt bad about bailing on you this weekend, so I brought over some snacks for the sleepover." "Thanks." "I would have done it myself, but I got a lot of crap going on." "Condoms?" "Am I expected to provide sex partners for all these girls?" "Those are mine." "Strawberry flavored?" "Your rich cosmetic dentist" " is not going to like the sugar in these." " Charlie!" "You know, four out of five dentists recommend sugarless condoms for their patients who chew condoms." "Don't give me crap about going away with this guy." "I already feel bad enough missing Sam's sleepover." "Tell me about guilt." "I tried to help a patient with his girlfriend and I broke them up." "Then I get them back together and it turns out she's unstable." "You know, this feels really nice, like old times." "Talking about your problems, and if I wasn't on my way to screw some guy in Palm Desert," "I would so stay and help you work it out." "I understand." "You have to trap a man into loving you." " I get it." " Thank you." "Hey, how's it going?" "They're texting about how lame this is." " How do you know?" " They're texting me." "Is there anything I can do to help?" " How about some Pictionary?" " No, no." "Fun stuff is supposed to happen spontaneously." "Oh, my God, look." "It's Pictionary for no reason." "Katelyn with a "K" wants you to leave because you're annoying." "And Caitlyn with a "C" says you're not annoying, just boring." "I think I know why she spells it with a "C."" "Hello?" "Nolan, how are you?" " Are you okay?" " Pretty good." "I'm at the Sun Valley Battered Women's Shelter." "You're what?" "It was the nearest place that could take me." "Turns out Athena has anger issues." "Could have used a heads-up on that." "I am so sorry, Nolan." "Where's Athena now?" "She took off." "The police are looking for her." "Can you please pick me up?" "Be kind of hard for me right now, and I'm not sure it would be appropriate, Nolan." "Isn't there anybody else you can call?" "I tried Lacey, but she didn't pick up." "Is there anybody you can call that actually cares about you?" "That's why I called you." "Look, I can't go back to my house." "I gave a key to Athena." "It's kind of ironic because she stuck it in my eye." " Look, Nolan..." " I need a ride quick!" "They're not exactly pro-dude here." "Of course I'll be there." "You just hang tight at the shelter." "I'm on my way." "What the hell is going on?" "Why is somebody at a shelter?" "And why is there no pizza?" "I thought this was a sleepover." "One of my patients got beat up by his girlfriend." "Look, I'm in a bind here." "I need you to do me a favor and watch the girls..." "No!" "I can't bring all these girls to a battered women's shelter." "Their parents will crucify me." "But you can leave them with the beer-drinking neighbor who had a pot brownie about an hour ago and is still feeling pretty good?" "Okay, Cheech." "Just hang here and help yourself to anything in the fridge." "There's egg salad and leftover sloppy Joes." "Awesome." "I'm going to make myself an eggy Joe." "Would you guys mind if I left for about an hour to run an errand?" "I don't know." "I don't trust myself with liquor in the house." "Okay." "Who wants to go to In-N-Out Burger?" " I want to go." " Eat your eggy Joe." "All right." "On the way back, I got to make a quick stop to grab a buddy of mine and all I ask is that you don't tell your parents about this little detour." "Are we going on a drug run?" "No." "We're not going on a drug run." " I want to go." " I said we're not going on a drug run!" "Eat your goddamn eggy Joe!" "Sorry, kids." " What happened to your face?" " I'll answer that, Nolan." "He had an accident giving his cat a bath." "Yeah, Whiskers can be pretty ferocious when she's been drinking." "Why were you at a women's shelter?" "Okay." "I think it's time to tell them the truth about what really happened to you." "Nolan is a reporter for Time magazine." "Doing an exposé on what it's like to be a man living in a women's shelter." "Then he walked into a door." "You must be a pretty crappy therapist if you don't know domestic abuse when you see it." "Ruby's right." "Nolan is a victim of domestic abuse." "I'm really sorry everybody had to be involved in this." "It's all my fault, I should have known." "You don't unload a dishwasher while someone's on the phone." "Check it out." "Your daughter and her friends did some makeup on me." "Turns out I have combination skin." " Lacey." "What are you doing here?" " You texted me." "Oh, you mean, why do I care?" "You know, Charlie's always saying we should give a crap about each other." "I'm touched, Lacey." "Yeah, well, I figured I'd try it once to get you off my ass." "So where's the bitch that hit you?" "I don't know." "She hasn't texted me back yet." "What..." "What?" "You texted her?" "I didn't want her to worry." "Dad, there's some woman outside the house yelling for Nolan." "I think she's drunk." " How do you know that?" " She keeps yelling, "I'm drunk."" "Crap." "All right." "Take all your friends upstairs." "Tell them there's 20 bucks in it for every kid who doesn't text their parents." "If they give you any lip, go to 30." "Okay, okay." "Just wait here." "I'm going to go out there and try to talk her down before this thing gets any further out of control." " I got this." " Lacey!" "Lacey!" "Nolan baby, come outside." "I just want to talk to you!" "Yeah, well, I want to talk to you, too!" "Slow down." "Nothing was ever solved by hitting someone with a giant spoon." "I'm responsible for this." "I'm the one who has to do something about it." " Get out here!" " You're right." "You should be doing something." "Here, hold my earrings." "Lacey." "You don't understand how mean she is." "She's drunk." "She'll kill you." "Take the big fork, too." "Lacey, sit down." " Baby, I just wanna see you!" " Nolan, listen to me." "I get it now." "I don't care if you like me or hate me anymore." "Watching you stand here, ready to let Lacey go out and fight for you with cutlery, no matter how big... ls the last straw." " I failed you as a therapist." " Nolan!" "So, I'm going to go out there, get rid of Athena, then you're going to find a new therapist who can help you." " Nolan." " Wait." " Come out!" " Give me the spoon." "You're not going out there." "Charlie's not going out there." "I'm the only one going out there and I can only be stopped with a kiss." "I'm not going to kiss you." "Charlie, you?" "I think it would send the wrong message." "Okay." "Here I go." "Baby, I miss you." "You're really going to let him go out there alone?" "You know what?" "He really needs to do this." "See?" "They're talking." "She's turning around." "Walking to her car." "She's getting in." "Now she's driving away." "And now she's turning around." "Now she's chasing Nolan." "Call the cops." "I got to go." "Drop the spoon and run, man!" "Hey." "I'm not getting strawberry." "They're like Otter Pops." "They all taste the same." "So anyway," "Lacey grabs a giant spoon to go after Athena, but Nolan stopped her and went outside and got chased up a tree by a Toyota 4Runner." "And this all happened in front of a bunch of screaming little girls." "Well, I think I know what the giant spoon represents." "No, no, no." "This wasn't a dream." "It actually happened." "So what was the final outcome?" "Well, you were right and I was right." "I inspired Lacey with my methods, but I inspired Nolan with yours." "But by using your methods, I made them mine." "So it was a total victory for me." "Good for you." "Now, if you want another victory tonight, you're going to have to give it to yourself." "Here's banana." "Tastes like strawberry."