"At this very moment in the town of Couer d'Couers young Ned was 9 years, 27 weeks, 6 days and 3 minutes old." "His dog, Digby, was 3 years, 2 weeks, 6 days 5 hours and 9 minutes old." "And not a minute older." "This was the moment young Ned realized he wasn't like the other children." "Nor was he like anyone else for that matter." "Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life." "This touch was a gift given to him, but not by anyone in particular." "There was no box, no instructions, no manufacturer's warranty." "It just was." "The terms of use weren't immediately clear nor were they of immediate concern." "Young Ned was in love." "Her name was Chuck." "At this very moment, she was 8 years, 42 weeks 3 hours and 2 minutes old." "Young Ned did not think of her as being born or hatched or conceived in any way." "Chuck came ready-made from the Play-Doh Fun Factory of Life." "In their imaginations, young Ned and a girl named Chuck conquered the world." "Long after their playdate was over young Ned remained under Chuck's spell until a blood vessel in his mother's brain burst, killing her instantly." "I must've slipped." "Clumsy." "Did the timer go off?" "Young Ned's random gift that was came with a caveat or two." "It was a gift that not only gave it took." "Young Ned discovered he could only bring the dead back to life for one minute without consequence." "Any longer and someone else had to die." "In the grand universal scheme of things young Ned had traded his mother's life for Chuck's father's." "Come on, big daddy, into bed." "But there was one more thing about touching dead things that young Ned didn't know." "And he learned it in the most unfortunate way." "First touch:" "Life." "Second touch:" "Dead again, forever." ""He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." "He leadeth me beside... "" "After a brief mourning period young Ned's father would hustle him off to boarding school never to be seen again." "Chuck would be fostered by aunts Lily and Vivian." "A renowned synchronized-swimming duo they shared matching personality disorders and a love for fine cheese." "At their respective parents' funerals dizzy with grief, curiosity and hormones young Ned and a girl named Chuck had their first and only kiss." "After his mother's death, Ned avoided social attachments fearing what he'd do if someone else he loved died." "And he became obsessed with pies." "It's 19 years, 34 weeks, one day and 59 minutes later heretofore known as now." "Young Ned has become the Pie-Maker." "And this is where he makes his pies." "The peaches never brown the dead fruit in his hands becomes ripe with everlasting flavor." "As long as he only touches it once." "Every day I pick a pie, I concentrate all my love on that pie because if I love it, someone else is gonna love it." "You know what?" "By the end of the day, I've sold more of those pies than any other in the bakery." " What pie do you love today?" " Rhubarb." "Hmm." "I'll stick with three plum." "Á la mode." "Hmm." "Emerson Cod was the sole keeper of the Pie-Maker's secret." "And this is how he came to be the sole keeper of the Pie-Maker's secret." "A private investigator, Mr. Cod met the Pie-Maker when his Pie Hole was on the verge of financial ruin." "Whoa." "Hey." "Mr. Cod proposed a partnership." "Murders are much easier to solve when you can ask the victim who killed them." "The Pie-Maker reluctantly agreed." "I asked you not to use zombie." "It's disrespectful." "Stumbling around for brains?" "That's not how they do." "Undead?" "Nobody wants to be un-anything." "Why begin with a negative?" "Like saying, "I don't disagree. " Just say you agree." " Are you comfortable with "living dead"?" " You're either living or dead." "When you're dead, that's what you are." "But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again." "Can't we say "alive again"?" " Doesn't that sound nice?" " Sounds like you're a narcoleptic." "I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?" " What's the other one?" " Necrophiliac." "Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head." "Me too." "I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food." "I don't think that anymore." "Can you lock the door behind you?" "So you want in on this opportunity or not?" "A dog is involved." " What kind of dog?" " It's gonna be a dead dog." "Cantaloupe." "They're putting her down." "Allegedly killed her owner." " Allegedly?" " Cantaloupe was framed." "Someone put a part of the victim in her mouth." " Huh." " "Docile as a kitten," says the family." "A chow, the breed most likely to turn on its owner?" "Hey, that's racial profiling." "Look here, if the dog is innocent, then it's murder." "And if it's murder, then there's a reward." "The facts were these:" "One Leonard Gaswint, 39 years, 42 weeks, 5 days 3 hours and 26 minutes old was found mauled to death in his home office." "His dog, Cantaloupe, was the sole witness and only suspect in the murder." "Convinced of her innocence the Gaswint family offered a significant reward to find the real killer." " You the dog expert?" " Uh-huh." "Already had a dog expert." "I'm the, uh, other one." "Mm-hm." " How's he look?" " Fine, but my threshold's high." "So take what I say with a grain of salt." "Ain't a grain, that's one of them blocks they give cows to lick." " He can't help how he is." " That don't make it less traumatic." " For who?" " Me." "And I'm sure him, but mainly me." "I'm gonna wait outside." "Mm." " Hello." " Hi." "Uh, sorry to disturb you, Mr. Gaswint..." "Or Leonard." " Do...?" "Do you prefer...?" " Leo." "Leo." "Um..." " Your current condition..." " Do I have something right here?" "No." "There's nothing right there." " Damn dog." " Cantaloupe?" "No, no." "Cantaloupe's docile as a kitten." "It's that rottweiler." "My secretary sicced her dog on me." "She's been upset since last year's Christmas party." "It's a funny story, I..." "Was it the chow?" "The secretary." "With her rottweiler." "Hmm." "Her good name cleared and her execution stayed Cantaloupe was freed." "And the secretary and her rottweiler were hauled to justice." "An anonymous tip led to solving the murder of an entrepreneur thought to be mauled to death by a family pet." "The truth, however, is much more sinister..." "Olive Snook enjoyed her time with Digby." "He was a surrogate for the human connection she wanted with the Pie-Maker." "Her desperate attempts to connect to someone so disconnected terrified him." "But that didn't stop her from trying." " How was your convention?" " Conventional." " How was Digby?" " Neurotic." "He's a very needy dog." "Do you pet him?" "Maybe if you pet him he wouldn't be so neurotic." "I pet him." "I'm allergic, so I can't touch him." "But I pet him." "With a stick?" "How do you pet him?" "A stick is involved, but it's more like a handle to a, um, petting device." "A dog needs to be touched." "We all need to be touched." "You touch him." "Other people touch him." "He's your dog." "Do you touch anything?" "Of course, I, uh..." "I..." "I to..." "I touch lots of things." "With affection?" "When was the last time someone touched you with affection?" "I get touched." "Can you get Digby's leash now?" "You don't mind that I don't touch you, do you?" "And then came the event that changed everything." "The body of a young woman murdered aboard a cruise ship has been recovered from the sea." "The victim's identity is being withheld." "The Pie-Maker listened to the news unaware that he stopped breathing." "He was haunted by the nameless woman who met her end on the high seas." "All right." "Oh, well, here's your leash." "But he didn't know why." "Her name still withheld, very little is known of the victim who was traveling alone when murdered aboard a passenger ship that was returning from a tropical cruise sailing between the United States and Tahiti." "The ship's captain initially dismissed the death as an accident suggesting the victim likely returned from a late night out, hurt herself..." " Been watching the news?" " Yeah." "There doesn't seem like much going on besides a dead girl on a boat." " A lot going on with that dead girl." " That so?" "Mm-hm." "Fifty thousand dollars' worth." " You interested in a conversation?" " I could be persuaded." "You better be quick." "The girl's about to go in the ground." " They just pulled her out of the water." " Jewish." "Christians leave them laying around." "Jews gotta get them buried." " Where?" " Couer d'Couers." "You ever been there?" "I grew up there." "Sort of." "This dead girl, she have a name?" "Charlotte Charles." "Chuck." "The Pie-Maker never returned to Couer d'Couers after being sent away to school." "But he thought of Chuck every day." "You know this girl?" " I know of her." " Know of her in the biblical sense?" " Haven't thought of her since I was 10." " Think of her a lot when you were 10?" "Don't remember anything when I was 10." "The Pie-Maker remembers everything." "The facts were these:" "Charlotte Charles, 28 years, 24 weeks, 3 days 11 hours and 51 minutes old, was found floating in the ocean moments after her body was discarded there." "Discarded by whom seemed to be a question only Charlotte Charles could answer." "Aah." "The funeral director, always eager to supplement his income..." " Gentlemen." " ... was more than happy to grant the deceased an audience." "Um, I just wanna..." "I wanna..." "Can I do this one alone?" "On account of, you know, the whole historical context?" " Something personal you need to say?" " No." "Okay, maybe." "But I have nothing to gain but a small amount of closure." "And what you got so open it needs closing?" "Mm." "I just wanna say I'm sorry for something." " One of those stupid things kids do." " Yeah, well, you ask who killed her first." " Okay." " You only got a minute." " I know." " Sixty seconds." "All right." "Only Prince Charming could know how the Pie-Maker felt upon looking at her." "Great thought was taken as to where to touch her." "The lips, too forward." "The cheek?" "The cheek." "Oh!" " Chuck, wait." " Who are you?" "Do you remember the boy who lived next door when your dad died?" "Ned?" " Oh, my God." "Hey, how are you?" " Good." "Huh, you look great." "Um, do you know what's happening right now?" "I had the strangest dream." "I was being strangled with a plastic sack." "You were strangled with a plastic sack." "That's an odd thing to hear but I wasn't quite sure how to sugarcoat it." "Oh." "Oh." "You only have a minute." "Less." "What can I do in less than a minute?" "You can tell me who killed you, so, you know, justice can be served." "That's sweet, but I don't know." "I went to get ice, and I dropped my key, and as I was thinking, "That was dumb... "" "As she was thinking, "That was dumb" Chuck was strangled to death with a plastic sack." " Then you touched my cheek." "What's going on?" "Just a second." " Is my time up?" " I'm sorry." "Well, thanks for calling me Chuck." "Do you know, no one's called me Chuck since..." "Since you." "I used to..." "When I lived next door to you I had a cru..." "I was in..." "You were my first kiss." "Yeah?" "You were my first kiss too." "You wanna be my last kiss?" "First and last?" "Or is that weird?" "That's not weird." "It's symmetrical." "Chuck's minute of life was nearly over." "The Pie-Maker's lips went as far as they would go." "He couldn't will them to go any further." "And as a consequence the funeral director would go no further." "If you don't wanna kiss me, it's okay." " I just thought it might be..." " No." "I want to, I do, I..." "What if you didn't have to be dead?" "Well, that'd be preferable." "Nobody can know." "Hop in." "I gotta think of a way to get you out of here." "Can you lie really still until I get back?" "Mm-hm." " Doesn't know." " Somebody just threw her carcass off a boat..." "Why are you sweating?" " It's warm in there." "What?" " Your eye's twitching." " My eye?" "Your eye is twitching." "When people aren't being honest their eye twitches." "Right there." "Like yours did just now." "It's nerves." "Aggravated by a stomach thing." "It's like acid reflux, but in my eye." " I think I'm gonna stay for the service." " Is that so?" "Just feeling nostalgic." "Remember how to get back to the station?" "It's down the, uh..." "I'll catch a later bus." "Lying in the dark, Chuck considered how she came to be lying in the dark." "She considered the life that was with Aunts Lily and Vivian." "Their personality disorders blossomed into incapacitating social phobias." "Which made it difficult for them to leave the house." "Which, in turn, made it difficult for Chuck to leave them." "She served her community by harvesting honey for the homeless." "She never strayed far from home." "She read about people she could never be on adventures she would never have." "Life was good enough until one day it wasn't." "Chuck wanted more." "But at Boutique Travel Travel Boutique, she got more than she bargained for." "Hey, I think somebody's truck's on fire." "Oh, jeez." "Sorry I'm late." "Only Sleeping Beauty could know how she felt at this moment." "I can't hug you?" "What if you need a hug?" " A hug can turn your day around." " I'm not a fan of the hug." "It's like an emotional Heimlich." "Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze, and all your fear and anxiety..." "That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something." " But you can't touch me." " So a kiss is out of the question?" "I've lost my train of thought." "Mm." "How long have you been thinking about this?" "It wasn't premeditated." "I wasn't lying in wait." "More like I was musing on the idea." "Not, you know, dwelling." "There were times I did dwell on you..." "About you." "A little, but I wasn't seriously considering till the exact moment I did it." "Or didn't do it." "I always wondered if you'd come back." "I guess you came back when I needed you most." "Well, that would've been before I was killed but this worked out." "You understand you can't go back, right?" "You can't see your aunts." "They'll go off their rockers without me." "It's not like they talk to anybody." "People aren't used to this." "Issues of morality." ""She's not dead anymore?" It'd be a disaster." "Well, I suppose dying's as good an excuse as any to start living." "Uh, this is Digby." " Wasn't your old dog named Digby?" " This is him." "Did you...?" "And now he's...?" " Yeah." " You seem to do that a lot." " Why do you do that a lot?" " It's just the two of you." "I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin." "Oh, yeah, of course." "I'm gonna sleep here, you take the bed." "I insist." "Ah." "My eyes are rolling back into my head." "I'm laying down now." "I'd kiss you if it wouldn't kill me." "Twenty-eight-year-old "Lonely Tourist" Charlotte Charles was laid to rest." "She is survived by her aunts, Vivian and Lily Charles..." "In a strange bed, watching her own funeral on the evening news Chuck was struck by the undignified nature of celebrity." "No one wants to be famous for the way they died." "Boutique Travel Travel Boutique has offered a $50,000 reward in the murder of Charlotte Charles." "Ned?" " Hmm?" "Mm." "Would I be alive if I knew who killed me?" "Of course, don't be silly." "Something in the news about the reward?" "You wanted to know who killed me so justice could be served." "I don't think justice was on the menu, not as an entrée." "It was a special of the day." "Can we drop the metaphor?" "I wouldn't have known if it weren't for the reward." " When were you gonna tell me?" " In the morning, or when it came up." " Whichever didn't come first." " Fifty thousand dollars?" "Twenty-five thousand, I have a partner." " What, it's a business?" " Ah, not in the traditional sense." "You touch murder victims, you ask who killed them you touch them again, they go back to being dead and then you collect the reward?" " In a nutshell." "You after my reward?" "I'm not mad at you, I just wanna know." " I'll be mad at you if you lie to me." " I don't want your reward." "If you're lying, you'll have me scratching the drapes." "I'm not." "Please don't attack the window treatments." "Okay, go back to sleep." "I'm a friend of Ned's." "Does he touch you?" " So how was the service?" " You know, just paid my respects." " You weren't looking to get paid?" " Hmm?" "See a dead woman speaking to you in confidence as an opportunity to make money by your lonesome." "Regardless of prior arrangements." "There's no opportunity here." " Are you the business partner?" " Yes, ma'am." "Found her upstairs." "Doesn't she look like that dead girl?" " She looks exactly like that dead girl." " Take that as a compliment." " She was pretty." " Pie time." "Pie time." "I've been ruminating, and I mean pondering, not chewing cud." "How about we solve my murder and collect the reward?" "Wouldn't that be poetic?" " She's supposed to be in the ground." " You didn't want the reward." "I wanted you not to want the reward, $50,000's a lot of money." "Three-way split, 30-30-40?" "It's only fair I get more, I did die for it." "I'm not a detective." "I make pies." "You can't just touch and be done." "Yes, I can." "That's how I roll." "I could do 30-30-40." "She's supposed to be dead." "You're..." "You're supposed to be dead." " This is pushing your luck." " Yeah, well, luck pushed me first." "It's just so shockingly stupid I have a hard time believing you did it." " You agreed to be her partner." " I intend to profit from your stupidity." "Are you in love?" "Because it's that level of stupid." "I'll admit to being confused." "It's a confusing time." "Childhood issues." " It's all coming up." " You know what?" "We all have childhood issues." "Believe me, I got the full subscription." " Horror stories." " I kind of killed her dad when I was 10." "Maybe not horror stories." "She doesn't know." "I wanted to make it better or different than what it was." "It was her, dead, and I didn't want that to be my fault too." "Well, who died instead?" "It's a random proximity thing." " Bitch, I was in proximity." " I wasn't thinking." "I wondered what happened to him." "He was a very, very bad man." "He stole stuff off dead people and sold it on the Internet." " It's all in the obituary." " That's nice." "The fact that he was a very, very bad man makes you feel better?" " Yes, immensely." "I would've felt horrible if it was you, for example." "I'm not proud." "I'm glad you did it." "It makes the worst thing I ever did seem insignificant." "Listen to you, all judgey-judge." "Judgey-judge?" "Look, you don't know anything about this girl except she got herself killed." " I'm not who you think I am." " Who does he think you are?" "The small-town girl who never saw the world only to have her first time out be her last." "Well, that is who I am but I was hoisted by my own petard." " What's a petard?" "In my case, that Tahitian getaway." "It was a devil's bargain." " Who's the devil?" " Deedee Duffield." "Manager of Boutique Travel Travel Boutique." "She offered me a sea adventure at no cost." " All I had to do was pick up a package." " Are you a drug mule?" "No." "I'm a monkey mule." "And these are the monkeys in question." " You died for plaster monkeys?" " Deedee said they weren't worth much." " Their value was sentimental." " Must've been some emotional monkeys." "You should ask Deedee about all of this." "I'm curious as to what she has to say." "Boutique Travel Travel Boutique manager, Deedee Duffield hoped the $50,000 reward would catch a killer before a killer caught her." "The reward fell short of achieving its desired goal." "Oh." "I guess I can't be too mad at her." "Is that how they found me?" "Humiliating." " I wonder how long she's been here." " Touch the poor bitch and ask her." "Okay." "I'm sort of embarrassed to do it in front of you." "Hey, Charlotte." "Hey, Deedee." "Now how'd I know you'd be the first person I'd see when I got to...?" "Is this...?" " Which one is this?" " This isn't either, maybe both." "Listen, this is the deal." "You get to talk for like a minute?" "We catch up, then you're not talking anymore." "Does everyone get to do this?" "Girl, we gotta break it down." " Did you know I was gonna get killed?" " I thought there might be the possibility." "I'm sorry about that, I should have said something." "But to be honest, and really, why not at this point if it was safe, I would've done it myself." "God, this is fantastic." "Being honest is fun." "Ask her who killed her and you and what's with the monkeys." " Who are those people?" " That's Emerson." "I don't really know him." "This is Ned." "He was my first kiss." "You're adorable." "Look at your..." "You couldn't have scooted back a little?" "I didn't know she was gonna touch my cheek." "Who does that?" " Actually, she does that a lot." " Why would whoever killed you, kill her?" "He already got his monkeys." "I dropped my key in the ice maker." "He couldn't get into my room." "Oh, for Pete's sake." "This is a nightmare." "He doesn't have the monkeys." "When you get murdered, where do they send your things?" "Your next of kin." " You stay here." " I just wanna look in the window." "You can't." "You can have your pie, but you can't eat it." " You all making me hungry." " I was supposed to keep them sane." "I'd just die if anything happened to them." "I mean, I'd die again." "We'll make sure your aunts are safe and then we'll call the police." "I wish I could give you an emotional Heimlich so you could cough up that wad of fear and anxiety, but I can't." "Give her a hug." "That was from me." "Aunt Vivian and Aunt Lily were all Chuck had." "And before Chuck, all they had were each other." "While still in their teens they made a name for themselves as The Darling Mermaid Darlings." "Many, many, many years later still holding on to their fading glory as underwater artistes their lives were changed forever when Lily, while cleaning the litter box, got dirty cat sand in her eye." "Oh, my." " Not only did she lose her eye but The Darling Mermaid Darlings lost their careers." "They retreated behind a fence and made sure the world stayed on the other side." "Hello?" " Hi." "My name is Ned." "I lived next door 20 years ago." "I'm a..." "Was a friend of Chuck's." "Charlotte's, rather." "Please, come in." "Please." "Charlotte was a firecracker." "Always trying to get us out of the house." "Threatened to bake antidepressants into our food." "Got to the point I was scared to eat anything she cooked." "She was a good cook and a nice girl." "Do you like girls?" "Yes, ma'am." " Charlotte was a nice girl." " With the exception of puberty." "Which was when Lily was going through her change of life." "It's impolite to discuss a person's menopause in mixed company." "It nearly killed me." "Horrible the way Charlotte died, on a cruise." "Last days spent surrounded by middle-aged, overweight women who wear sweatshirts with things sewn to them." "Usually kittens made of felt." "The food is perfectly atrocious." "Unless she enjoyed vomiting and diarrhea I can't imagine she had a good last meal." "A good last meal can go a long way." "Our penal system makes a point of it." "It's nice she had a little glimpse of the world before she died." " Eh." "The world isn't that great." " Least she had the good sense not to fly." "Airplanes fall out of the sky every day." "Cheese?" "I would recommend the pure goat with blue ash." "It has a grassy flavor." " It does have a grassy flavor." " It's delicious with Charlotte's honey." "You haven't lived until you've tasted her honey." "The homeless love it." "Not to change the subject, but has the cruise line returned her belongings?" "Specifically a stainless-steel briefcase?" "Chuck couldn't remember why she was so desperate to leave this life behind." "She missed her aunts, she missed her bees." "She missed everything she was." "Hello." "Smuggling monkeys put an end to her life." "Chuck didn't want to be remembered as the "Lonely Tourist. "" "She wanted to be remembered as something sweeter." "Unaware of Lily's fate upstairs the Pie-Maker did his best to comfort Vivian." "Charlotte always wanted to get away." "Got away further than any of us thought." "In a rare moment of sensitivity he reached out and touched her not realizing she didn't like being touched." "I'll go see if she needs any help bringing it down." "Didn't I kill you?" "I can hold my breath for a long time." "Oh!" "The jig appeared to be up." "Aunt Lily was looking directly at her niece." "Her niece who wasn't supposed to be alive." "And if she possessed two good eyes she would have seen her." "A rush of warmth washed over the Pie-Maker." "He would later describe this feeling as "delight. "" "The girl he rescued from death had returned the favor." "Former Darling Mermaid Darlings Vivian and Lily Charles defeated a deadly home invader who may have some connection to the smuggling-related murder of their niece Charlotte Charles." "When asked about a Darling Mermaid Darlings reunion the sisters mentioned a benefit performance to support Honey for the Homeless, was in the works." "Was this really an act of kindness?" "Me?" "Here?" "Were you trying to do something good for no other reason than to help me?" "I was being selfish." "I'd love to tell myself I was being unselfish but I know deep down I was being unselfish for selfish reasons." "I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it." "Is there anything else I should know?" "The Pie-Maker wanted to tell Chuck about that fateful afternoon when he inadvertently killed her father, but instead he said:" "No." "I figured since it cost me my life, I should get to keep one." "And seeing as I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you I want you to have the other one." "It's like those half-heart pendants except with monkeys." "Hmm." " Thank you for bringing me back to life." " You're welcome." "Oh." "These are heavy." "The monkeys' value was significantly more than sentimental." "They were golden." "The man who killed Chuck was killed by Aunt Lily." "After collecting the $50,000 reward Vivian and Lily had a renewed interest in the world on the other side of their fence." "They retreated from their retreat and took the plunge." "Emerson Cod was plunged into something else altogether." "A three-way split." "This whole thing is sort of like reincarnation, but immediate." " Sort of." " Do you believe in reincarnation?" "Hell, no." "The planet's falling apart." "Right now it's the children's problem." "If we reincarnate, it's our problem." "Afternoon." " You the toxicologist?" " Yes." "Aren't you the dog expert?" "No." "Uh-huh." "The facts were these:" "One Matthew Miltenberger, a PADl-certified scuba professional 37 years, 6 hours and 45 minutes old was found dead in the lobster tank of a franchise steak and lobster house." "Before Mr. Miltenberger could get into the specifics of his demise Chuck thought it'd be nice to ask:" " Hi..." " Do you have any last words or thoughts or requests?" " What?" " Just something I never thought to ask." "As he stared at her he reached around his back and held his own hand pretending he was holding hers." "And at that very moment, she was pretending to be holding his." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"