"# Love is like candy on a shelf" "# You want to taste and help yourself" "# The sweetest things are there for you" "# Help yourself, take a few" "# That's what I want you to do" "# We're always told repeatedly" "# The very best in life is free" "# And if you want to prove it's true" "# Baby, I'm telling you" "# This is what you should do" "# Just help yourself to my lips, to my arms" "# Just say the word and they are yours" "# Just help yourself to the love # ln my heart, your smile has opened up the door" "# The greatest wealth that exists in the world" "# Can never find what I can give... #" "Wolsey Manor Hotel, please." "Hope you've got your credit card." "I don't think I'll be needing it." "# Just help yourself" "# To my lips, to my arms" "# Just say the word and they are yours... #" "Airport, please." "# Just help yourself to the love in my heart" "# Your smile has opened up the door" "# The greatest wealth that exists... #" "# So help yourself to my lips, to my arms" "# And then let's really start to live" "# Just help yourself to my lips" "# To my arms, just say the word... #" "The gentleman said to tell you, "No hard feelings."" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "THREE YEARS LATER" "WOMAN:" "Ready, Beatrice?" "Beatrice?" "Yes, ready." "Credits in five, four, three, two..." "Roll titles." "ANNOUNCER:" "From Dawlish to Dorchester, Warminster to Weymouth," "Wessex Tonight brings you all the top news stories in the Wessex region." "Three, two, one." "Cue Beatrice." "Trevor Scott with a little taste of what we can look forward to at Sturminster Newton's annual festival of cheeses." "Well, I know where I'll be heading off this weekend." "How about you, Beatrice?" "You try and stop me, Keith!" "Now..." "Salivating at the thought." "Just stick to the script, please, Keith." "And Claude, stop playing with your hair, you look lovely." "director:" "And cue Claude." "Yes, I'll have all the latest netball action, some falconry, would you believe..." "Beatrice next on camera one." "..for Commonwealth Games glory!" "Beatrice." "But first, "ladybird, ladybird fly away home," ""your house is on fire, your children are gone."" "But try telling that to the local ladybirds and they simply won't believe you." "Yes, the region's farmers are up in arms about a plague of the little critters." "Keith's very flush tonight." "Looks like he's been boiled." "Can we do something about Keith's face?" "I wish." "Standby for VT." "Isn't there a dial or something?" "Can I have silence, please?" "Tony Page is our reporter on the spot." "Late on the VT there, Don." "Oh, quiet, please!" "Ladybirds, on the spot?" "!" "On the spot!" "Guys, who wrote this script?" "keith:" "Ladybirds, eh?" "The little rascals." "BEATRlCE:" "Oh, and Don, the VT was late." "Yeah." "My fault, sorry Beatrice." "I love ladybirds." "How about you, Bea?" "I have no strong feelings, Keith." "Talking about ladybirds, what are you doing after the show?" "." "Was that a segue, Keith?" "If it was, I don't understand it." "I just thought we might go for a pint somewhere." "Just you and me." "Ooh, I don't think so." "I know this little place, does a lovely meat pie." "Oh, well, if there's meat pie." "Well, I think we could spend some time socialising, you know, just me and you." "And how is Mrs Fleming these days?" "Oh, she couldn't manage a meat pie." "Not with her medical condition." "Well, I'm very, very sad to hear that." "She's wife in name only, I'm afraid." "Separate bedrooms now." "(Laughs) You amaze me." "I just don't like the thought of an attractive, sensual woman in the prime of life sitting alone night after night." "Sorry, who are we talking about here, Keith?" "Oh, I think we know who we're talking about." "Now Hero with the weather." "The..." "Camera two, Don?" "What?" "Yeah, uh, camera two, yeah." "Thanks, Beatrice." "Well, it's been a lovely day all over the region." "Not quite bikini weather yet." "Not unless you're feeling very brave." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "Three, two, one and off-air." "OK, thanks very much everyone." "Keith, quick word." "Sweetheart." "If you ever touch any part of my body with any part of your body, either on air, or off, or even in your imagination, then I swear I'm... ( Whispersinaudibly) ls that clear?" "Nice show, Beatrice, thank you." "Keith." "Mmm?" "I know you like to keep things free and loose, but please stick to the script." "Otherwise, you tend to just talk utter, utter rubbish." "Hero, you alright?" "Fine!" "Fine." "Um, I just wanted to say..." "..great weather!" "Thank you, Claude." "Hero, can I just, um, ask you something?" "Go on." "How come you just know?" "." "What?" "The weather, what's going to happen." "How can you tell?" "I just read the meteorological reports." "meteorological" " I have real problems with that word." "(Laughs) Meteorological. (Laughs)" "Uh... precipitation,cumulonimbus, anemometer, altostratus castellanus..." "I tell you, if I don't have my false teeth in properly..." "You've got false teeth?" "No, no, I was just..." "..you know, joking." "Oh, right, sorry." "Sorry." "I don't always spot them, jokes." "No, me neither." "'Bye then." "Hero?" "Claude." "Will you go out with me?" "For drinks." "With food or without, entirely depending on..." "When?" "Um, Saturday?" "80% chance of showers, Saturday." "Sunday, then." "Cloudy, brightening later." "Now, temperature-wise we're looking at 23-24 degrees." "Should be a lovely day." "So, what, you're up for it?" "I thought you'd never ask." "Yes!" "Now this, this is exactly what I'm talking about, see?" "You've got liquids, you've got electrical equipment." "It is literally an accident waiting to happen." "Phwoar." "Smell that." "An alcoholic beverage." "Well, not on my watch, Vincent." "Not on my watch." "Hello." "Mr Fleming!" "I'm locking up now, Mr Fleming, so if I could ask you please to vacate the premises?" "What?" "What?" "Oh, yes." "Yes." "That's fine." "Fine." "Mr Fleming?" "Everything alright there?" "Right." "Leonard, it's not my fault." "I didn't say it was." "How's he doing anyway?" "Well, let's just say I wouldn't buy him any green bananas." "Leonard!" "If I could just see some id, please?" "I've been working here for 32 years." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Right, that seems to be in order." "Oh, and could I have a word about some health and safety issues?" "Later, Mr Berry, please." "Keith's going to be fine." "He just won't be coming back to work any time soon." "That's wonderful!" "Sorry." "I mean, that's very sad, but it does mean I get the show all to myself, doesn't it?" "Yes." "Until next week, anyway." "Why, what happens next week?" "You're going to be joined by..." "..by someone." "Someone?" "Listen, Bea, you're not to over-react." "You haven't." "You wouldn't." "I've already offered him the job." "Withdraw the offer." "He's already accepted." "Starts next Monday." "Right." "Mmm." "Well, I suggest you start looking for a new female presenter." "The one man, Leonard, the one man in the world you know I hate." "Hate's an awfully strong word." "Oh, alright then, despise, abhor, loathe." "But think of the show, Bea." "It's a dog-eat-dog world now, local regional news." "It's not enough to stick you on a stool with a laptop." "We need that... well,thatfrisson." "Frisson!" "There is no frisson." "But you have to admit you were a great team, Bea." "And the housewives all still love him." "We call them women now." "Women all love him." "Not all women, Leonard." "Not all women." "Couldn't we just..." "I don't know..." "..buy a nice new sofa or something?" "Oh, alright." "Alright." "I'll think about it. (Clears throat)" "Thanks, Bea." "If it's any consolation, I'm bringing Peter back to direct." "Well, that's something, I suppose." "But what about Don?" "Yes, well... ahem..." "..we're letting Don go." "BEATRlCE:" "You're sacking Don?" "Leonard, his wife has just left him." "I won't sack him, just offer him an inferior job and hope he resigns." "Stick him on graphics or something." "No-one likes him, he's constantly fouling up," "Mr Berry keeps finding water bottles that don't contain water and I don't like the way he looks at my daughter." "All the men look at Hero like that." "That's why you employed her." "Well, I don't like it." "I swear, Bea, I spend five minutes with the man, I get heartburn." "You wanted to see me, Leonard?" "Ah... ( Clearsthroat)Yes,Don ." "REPORTER:" "The floodlit courts and other facilities cost more than..." "MAN:" "One must remember to take a break." "..you night-owls, and welcome to Attic Antiques, where we examine the lost treasures you may have lurking in your loft at home." "In tonight's show, Toby jugs!" "Now, everyone loves a Toby jug... ..but what's it really worth?" "Here in Middle Wallop, a Toby jug can..." "So we're in the middle of nowhere, it's pitch black, passports have been stolen translator has run off with the sound equipment..." "I'm amazed you're still talking, Benedick." "Nobody's listening to you." "Beatrice!" "You're still here!" "So it would seem." "I like this, by the way." "Not many men your age can get away with that, the pirate look." "Har har!" "(Laughs) Very striking." "Sorry, I interrupted, didn't I?" "Go on." "So, the translator has run off with the sound equipment, and the combat is getting pretty intense by now..." "I caught that late-night antiques thing, by the way." "Late night or very early morning." "Tell me, is that a pre-record, or do you have to stay up until 4am?" "A pre-record." "Oh." "You'd be surprised how popular it is with middle-aged women living alone." "LEONARD:" "OK, if I could just have your attention, please." "MAN:" "Don't tell me you're at it already." "Oh!" "Good to see you again, Peter." "You too, Bea love." "How are you?" "Shut up!" "Now I'd just like to take a moment to welcome some old friends back to the fold." "I believe most of you know Benedick." "And our new director, Peter." "We're very excited to have them back." "And to show just how pleased, I'd like to hand over to Hero." "(Clears throat) Hero?" "Oh, sorry." "Um, we've decided we're going to have a party," "Sunday night, Dad's house, to welcome the new team." "And to make it extra, extra special, it's going to be fancy dress." "Yes!" "I love fancy dress." "LEONARD:" "Right then." "Don!" "Can I have a quick word?" "What are you doing for lunch?" "I'm really glad you've decided to stay on, Don." "I know being put on graphics feels like a demotion, but..." "Well, it is a demotion, so..." "Don..." "It's got to stop." "What has?" "The letters, the phone calls, the flowers." "I can buy someone flowers, can't I?" "Not anymore, no." "I'm very grateful but..." "..well, I'm with Claude now, and I like him very much." "But I've never felt like this about someone before, not even my wife." "Hero, I ..." "You're ashamed of me." "That's it, isn't it?" "That's why we're way out here, so no-one else can see us." "I've seen you outside the house, Don." "Sitting in your car in the middle of the night." "It's not fair." "I don't like it." "It scares me." "Hero, I'm sorry." "You can't force someone to love you, Don." "You can't force them not to either." "But you will find somebody else." "I know you will." "You're a lovely man." "Am I?" "Of course you are." "And that night we... wespenttogether..." "..it wasn't because you felt sorry for me?" "Of course not." "You're just lonely, that's all." "You'll find someone else, like I found Claude, and you'll fall in love again, and then we can go back to being good friends." "I need this to be our secret." "OK?" "Yeah." "Well, what a lot of weather we've been having recently." "Sunshine in Weymouth..." "CLAUDE:" "Look at her, how she brings the sun in like that, with a wave of her hand." "It's almost like... almostlikeshe'smakingithappenforreal,knowwhat Imean?" "You're not about to do anything stupid, are you?" "Like what?" "The M-word." "No!" "(Scoffs) Course not!" "But it wouldn't be such a bad idea, though, would it?" "If you say so." "You don't think she's gorgeous?" "She's very nice, Claude," "I just prefer something a little less... obvious." "Like what?" "I mean, who?" "I don't know." "Her, I suppose." "CLAUDE:" "Beatrice?" "BENEDlCK:" "Yeah." "It's a purely objective statement, like saying you prefer a Lotus to a Porsche." "A bit sexist, isn't it, comparing a woman to a car?" "Depends on the car." "Mmm." "She's a very attractive woman, Beatrice, or at least she would be, if she wasn't such a small, carnivorous dinosaur." "Quick, sharp, vicious little teeth." "Velociraptor?" "Yeah." "Exactly, velociraptor." "We were just talking about a big, new fossil find in Lyme Regis, Bea." "We're very excited." "Don't call me Bea, please." "I hope you're gonna be gentle with me tonight." "Why?" "Not scared, are you?" "WOMAN:" "Just over one minute!" "Well, you did nearly kill your last co-presenter." "That was justifiable homicide." "(Clears throat) So did you miss me then?" "You were all I thought about." "Sorry, am I tugging it too hard?" "You can tug harder if you want." "Oh, dear." "Do you need anything, Beatrice?" "A short length of lead pipe." "One minute then, everyone." "Can I ..." "CanIspeakhonestly?" "I don't know, can you?" "Because clearly you're still upset about us." "Us?" "Oh, God!" "(Laughs) Yeah." "And about the way it ended." "Nothing had started, Ben, so how could it end?" "And, um..." "Honestly!" "I feel bad about telling you by text, I do." "The self-delusion of this man!" "(Talks over Bea) But if I've left you feeling undervalued or rejected..." "(Talks over Ben) I swear, Ben, if you were drowning - no, if you were on fire..." "But we can't go on like this, Bea." "Don't call me Bea!" "Everything happy in there?" "Fine." "Perfect." "PETER:" "Good luck everyone." "We're on in 30." "By the way, you've got something in your teeth." "Oh, yes, I'm sure I do." "Spinach, right?" "No, it's just a stringy bit of meat, just there." "I think I'll live with it, thank you." "OK. lt's your decision." "Make it a phone-in competition - 'Guess The Presenter's Lunch.'" "You know, it really is the oldest trick in the book." "I was trying to help, Ben, but if you don't believe me..." "BEN:" "No, I don't." "Eight, seven..." "Why not ask the gallery, then?" "OK, I will." "Go on then." "Yeah, fine." "Three, two, one." "BEN:" "Guys?" "BEN:" "Something on my teeth?" "Cut." "Cue Benedick." "And I'm Beatrice Evans." "Welcome to Wessex Tonight." "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all." "BEATRlCE: ..to the Yeovil Amateur Operatic Society who are doing a production of 'Hair', Bill Harris playing the lead..." "Great, isn't it?" "I've been wearing it round the flat all day." "Makes me feel... ( lnhalesdeeply).. powerful,youknow?" "." "(Laughs) What am I wearing?" "Ooh." "Two for the price of one." "You can throw this old stuff out now, Dad." "I'll help if you want." "I like it the way it is." "Besides, you never know when you might need your room back." "Hardly likely, is it?" "How do I look?" "Just like your mother." "Oh. (Half-laughs) I'm meant to be Marilyn Monroe." "I mean... youlookbeautiful." "Don't start." "You'll make my mascara run." "( DOORBELL ) I'll get that." "Don!" "You look... am-amazing!" "Thank you." "Isn't that just your uniform?" "Danger never sleeps, Mr Armitage." "89% of accidents happen in the home." "You just made that statistic up, didn't you?" "Would you mind using a coaster?" "It leaves a ring otherwise." "It's my house!" "Ah, Bea!" "Hello, you." "Your Majesty!" "(Laughs) Look at you." "All hail. (Both laugh)" "LEONARD:" "You look wonderful." "BEATRlCE:" "Thank you." "LEONARD:" "Peter!" "What's she come dressed as?" "MARGARET:" "Lamb, by the looks of it." "Oh, Margaret!" "My God, look at this place." "Same old faces." "Tonight we're going to party like it's 1 939." "Why is there never a tin-opener when you need one?" "Who is that?" "That's not Margaret, is it?" "Yes, my liege." "Hello, hi!" "Haven't you got sheep to look for?" "That's Bo-Peep." "I'm Little Miss Muffet." "And what have you come as?" "Oh, just some sort of vaguely sexy cat." "Don't ask why, there's no real logic to it." "Little Miss Muffet's got a spider." "Just an old leotard I found tangled up in my lingerie drawer." "So what's so sexy about this particular cat?" "You tell me. (Laughs)" "I did have a tuffet actually..." "Um,Iput it..." "The honour if you would..." "No." "I ..." "I ..." "I humblyaskyouto consider..." "I'd be over the moon if you..." "Don!" "Having fun?" "Oh, you know me." "Crying on the inside." "So, the boss's daughter, eh?" "Smart move." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Just she's a very beautiful girl, that's all." "Very popular." "DON:" "Everyone loves a Hero." "DON:" "Your Hero, my Hero, everyone's Hero." "I'm going to get a refill." "Do you want anything?" "What?" "No." "No, I'm all right, thank you." "And your relationship with the camera is, um..." "Well, it's like you own it." "It's, um..." "You're so much more than just the weather girl." "Well, I prefer to think of myself as a broadcaster." "You're more than that, you're a communicator." "Thank you, Ben!" "Margaret's looking for you." "Where?" "Upstairs, in your old room." "OK." "See you later." "'Bye." "Ciao." "Just give it a rest, eh?" "What?" "What have I done?" "Would you excuse me, just... ?" "Certainly." "What have I done?" "Claude, what... ?" "I didn'tdo anything." "Claude?" "Claude!" "It is Claude, isn't it?" "Come and talk to me." "Where's your side-kick then, Claude?" "Side-kick?" "Probably working his way through the buffet, seeing how many chicken thighs he can fit in his mouth." "What do you mean?" "Well, I know they say the camera adds eight pounds, but he's not on camera now, is he?" "The ladies still seem to..." "Sorry?" "I can't hear you, Claude." "Why not take your helmet off?" "I said Benedick still seems very popular with the ladies." "Well, that's what he likes you to believe, yeah." "But, oh, that beard!" "It's like he's got food smeared all round his mouth." "Lucky you never have to kiss him." "And for that I thank God every day." "What would you do if I ... ?" "No." "You'remumblingagain,Claude." "I said I'll tell Benedick what you said." "Fine." "Tell him." "He'll just try and come back with some smart-arse remark, and it won't be funny, or make sense and nobody will be listening to him anyway." "Excuse me... a...a minute,wouldyou?" "Claude?" "What?" "is it something I've said?" "Claude?" "I'm telling you now, so you've got plenty of warning." "Leonard's hired a karaoke machine." "She is Satan." "She looks normal, but she's Satan in human form." "What is it now?" "." "HERO:" "It's like he's trying to send me some sort of signal." "You know, tears of a clown and all that." "I hate clowns." "As if he wasn't creepy enough as it is." "HERO:" "Margaret, please." "I don't know how you managed it." "The hot meaty breath, that sweaty face bearing down on you." "URSULA:" "That gluey white bit in the corner of his mouth." "HERO:" "Hey, Don's alright." "And, you know, he'd been talking and crying about how lonely he was and, I don't know, I just felt sorry for him." "MARGARET:" "And does he know that, do you think?" "That you slept with him out of pity?" "'Cause men love that." "Pity sex." "HERO:" "I'd just like to forget about it, please." "And if you ever, ever breathe a word..." "Five foot eight." "And I'm five foot four." "That much more and I'd have been out there now, on a stake-out or something." "It's bigotry, that's what it is." "There is no proven connection between height and the ability to fight crime." "Poirot's not a big man." "Morse - he's stocky, not tall." "Columbo?" "(Scoffs)" "Tiny!" "Absolutely tiny." "BENEDlCK:" "Oh, God, here she comes, the Virgin Queen." "Quick, give me something to do." "Do you want a refill?" "Can't I get you an ashtray?" "I don't smoke." "Gentlemen!" "Hello." "Pete, do you want a hand with... ?" "So." "Nice ruff." "Thank you." "How about a dance then, eh?" "A bit of cardiovascular." "No, I don't think so." "I'm trying to be friendly here, Benedick." "This is it." "Me being friendly." "I'd make the most of it, if I were you." "So, you enjoying yourself?" "Haven't had this much fun since Children ln Need." "We should probably knock it on the head." "No, might as well stick it out to the bitter end, eh?" "BENEDlCK:" "Touching, isn't it?" "BEATRlCE:" "A marriage of true minds." "BENEDlCK:" "That misty, faraway look in their eyes." "Like conjunctivitis." "BEATRlCE:" "Oh, Claude." "BENEDlCK:" "Oh, Hero." "Say to me those three little words." "Me..." "love... you." "Oh, God, here we go." "BEATRlCE:" "At least when they're kissing they're not talking." "BENEDlCK:" "Well, they're trying though." "I can't think of anything worse than to have someone say they love me." "Me too." "Well, that's something we've got in common, then." "Not much, is it?" "No, not much." "Oh, God. ls this what I think it is?" "Here we go." "CLAUDE:" "Um, I know it's a bit whirlwind and everything but this earlier on this evening I asked Hero if she would marry me..." "..and I'm delighted to say that she's agreed to be my wife." "You, uh... mightwanttogive itacouple ofminutes ." "What's going on there?" "Congratulations." "I am so pleased for you." "You approve?" "Of course I approve!" "Come here." "Well done, you." "Thanks, Bea." "Didn't see that coming did you, eh?" "Nobody tells me anything!" "Junior hockey team faces relegation?" "LEONARD:" "Nope." "local steel-band triumphs?" "No." "Another fishing-boat has vanished in the so-called Weymouth Triangle." "Completely vanished?" "N ..." "No." "Theyfounditagain ." "DON:" "What about the... ?" "Oh, Swanage has appointed its new town-crier." "ALL:" "No!" "There's a two-headed frog been found in Langton Matravers." "MARGARET:" "That's gross." "PETER:" "The other side bought exclusive rights." "LEONARD:" "Bastards." "I love these big news days, don't you?" "It's like 'All The President's Men'." "We could always do..." "Terriblefogthismorning." "It's not quite the killer story we're looking for though, is it?" "Fog." "Sorry, but I still don't know what was wrong with my story." "What was it again?" "(Sighs) They are closing down the Ladymeade Nursing Home." "Now the residents are all in their 80s or 90s, couple of them are over 1 00, and the council are just going to dump them in hospital wards." "They're not ill, they're elderly." "The whole thing stinks." "The nursing home stinks?" "PETER:" "Looks like our lead story." "I don't know. lsn't it a bit... ?" "BEATRlCE:" "What?" "Worthy?" "It's exactly the kind of story that's relevant to our viewers." "Look at this - winner of this year's Miss East Dorset Beauty Contest." "Oh, let's see." "LEONARD:" "Oi." "Here." "Might be a mid-show spot, I suppose." "LEONARD:" "Proud local farmer Clive Dobbs and last year's winner, his lovely daughter, Rosie." "Rosie's the one with the pipe and the lazy eye." "I'm so sorry, I must have missed something." "When was it decided that we had a nightly misogynists' slot?" "Misogynist?" "Look it up, Ben." "It means somebody who hates or fears women." "Hey, I don't hate women, I love women." "God save me from men who say they love women!" "They are the worst." "Hear hear!" "Yes, hear hear." "It's just a bit of fun, Bea." "Fine, have your fun, put it on the show, just don't expect me to present it, that's all." "I'm sorry that things down here aren't proving quite as intense as you're used to." "I'm sorry there's been no bloody civil war in Axminster, no great herds of dinosaurs marauding down the Newton Abbot bypass, but I happen to love this job and the people, and I happen to think it's important and worthwhile." "So do I, that's why..." "Anddeservingofsome basicrespect." "And if you don't agree..." "I doagree." "..perhaps you'd better pack up your shiny suits in your plastic bag and sod off back to London!" "Do you ever listen to other people?" "If someone's worth listening to." "And how do you know I'm not?" "Past experience." "Well, it must get pretty lonely, I imagine, up there on the moral high ground." "Oh, no, it's wonderful." "What's it like down there in the gutter?" "You snob." "You ape." "Prig." "Clown." "Come on, Ben, think." "Faster, faster." "You sour, cold-hearted, joyless bitch." "Right, OK." "This is how it's going to go." "We turn up, do the show, go home." "That's it." "Agreed?" "Fine by me." "Oh, we've found the most beautiful venue." "(Bored) Mm-hm." "And the menu's been finalised." "(Feigning interest) Oh, please, God, let it be salmon." "It is salmon!" "Yay!" "And, uh... there'ssomethingelse." "Claude and I have talked and, well..." "..we would love it if you could be our chief bridesmaid." "I see." "Now, I know what you're thinking." "Go on." "That you're too old to be a bridesmaid." "That's exactly what I'm thinking." "So you could be whatever an older bridesmaid is called." "Um... maidof honour,isit?" "Or... matron?" "What is the difference?" "Oh, you are pleased, aren't you?" "It is a dream fulfilled." "But if you throw the bouquet at me," "I will throw a bottle back." "Point taken." "Who's the best man, by the way?" "Will I have to make a speech?" "is that alright?" "Fine, it's your funeral." "Yeah, I prefer to think of it more as a day of joy and celebration." "I know, I know." "Sorry, mate." "I'd love to do it, of course I would." "Thanks, mate." "MARGARET:" "One minute, everyone." "Bad hair day?" "Bad face day?" "Everybody happy here?" "Fine." "Wonderful, wonderful." "Want me to do you now?" "." "I'd love that." "What do you think of this one?" "Do you think it's a bit much?" "Maybe something a little plainer?" "Mmm, a noose perhaps." "OK, standby, studio, 1 0 seconds for the opening ident." "You know, sometimes I think you're just a little bit jealous, darling." "You really do put the 'W' into 'anchorman', don't you?" "BOTH:" "Good evening!" "I tell you, I don't get paid enough for this, Leonard." "There must be something you can do, Pete?" "Me?" "Why are you asking me?" "Ready to roll VT." "You're the director!" "URSULA:" "VT in three, two, one." "And roll VT." "OK, I'll think of something." "Good." "This is the Six O'Clock News, from the BBC, with Benedick Taylor." "Hello and welcome to Newsnight. I'm Benedick Taylor." "LEONARD ON studio TV:" "You know, in many ways, I blame myself." "I shouldn't have invited him back, knowing how she feels about him." "HERO:" "You weren't to know, Dad." "LEONARD:" "No." "It's my fault for meddling..." "I thought if I put them back together he'd finally see what a fathead he's been." "But now the whole future of the show's in jeopardy." "Audio out." "He's coming." "He's coming." "Right, positions, everyone." "HERO O VER TALKBACK:" "Same as she said to you, that she loves him more than life itself." "CLAUDE:" "How strange!" "When outwardly she appears to dislike him so much." "PETER:" "That's just a front." "HERO:" "No, trust me, she worships him." "It's all she ever talks about." "CLAUDE:" "I see." "So her apparent hostility is just a persona which she assumes to hide the romantic nature of her true feelings towards Benedick?" "(Whispers) That was awful!" "LEONARD:" "So why hasn't she said something?" "HERO:" "What's the point?" "You know what a clown he is." "He'll just laugh at her and bang on about how he needs his space." "I love Ben, but at the end of the day, he's just not that bright." "Oh, thanks, mate." "LEONARD:" "He's mad not to see it." "She's smart, she's funny, she's incredibly intelligent..." "PETER:" "About everything except loving Benedick." "No, no, it's true, she's a beauty." "LEONARD:" "I tell you, if I was five years younger..." "PETER:" "Five years?" "( LAUGHTER ) LEONARD:" "What was that?" "is there someone out there?" "CLAUDE:" "No, there can't be." "LEONARD:" "So, what are we going to do?" "HERO:" "Well, we've got to do something." "LEONARD:" "Mmm." "I mean, she's drinking all the time, bursting into tears, every time I see her, it's..." ".. "What am I going to do?" "I love him so much. "" "I hear she's thinking about leaving the show." "No!" "She can't do that!" "The ratings are up, the viewers love them." "But she's very, very unhappy, Leonard." "I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't..." "No,it doesn'tmatter." "LEONARD:" "No, go on." "PETER:" "If she hadn't been thinking about doing...something stupid." "LEONARD:" "Well, that's it. I'm going to have to tell him." "PETER:" "No, you mustn't." "She'd rather die than show how she truly feels." "LEONARD:" "So what do I do?" "PETER:" "Just wait and hope that he comes to his senses." "She loves me." "And now I come to think about it, it does make a kind of sense..." "..the hostility and everything." "That's why we can never be friends." "It's just too painful for her." "Well, I suppose I'll just have to love her back." "Yeah, there'll be some fun at my expense of course, but a person's allowed to change his mind as he matures." "Love's just one of those things a man grows into, like jazz and olives, and I'm not going to let a few sarcastic remarks change the way I feel." "After all, the world must be peopled." "When I said I'd die a bachelor, I just didn't realise I'd live this long." "And there's no denying the fact that she's a very attractive woman." "Talented, funny, kind." "Well, she's not kind but she's so smart, so intelligent." "About everything except loving me." "Could I see some identification, please?" "There you go." "Hey, I don't suppose you've got a bicycle pump I can borrow?" "." "The trick... ( Pumpsfrantically).. isnottochangemybehaviour, not to appear proud or arrogant about the fact that she's obsessed with me." "The trick is to be very, very cool..." "(Puffs) ..and suave..." "(Grunts) ..about the whole thing." "Who is it?" "BEATRlCE:" "It's me." "Um... justmakingmyselfdecent." "Can I wait that long?" "(Laughs) Can I wait that long?" "You're incredible, really you are." "Leonard says due to Hero's hen party, the de-brief's been cancelled." "Beatrice, thank you so much." "For what exactly?" "Oh, you know, making the effort." "If it had been any effort, I wouldn't have bothered." "Well, still..." "..thank you very much, all the same." "You feeling alright?" "Of course?" "Why?" "You're sweating... morethanusual." "And that smell..." "That'sjustaftershave." "Smells like a photo-lab." "What do you actually do in there anyway?" "(Gasps) lt's not a woman, is it?" "(Giggles) Come out, sweetheart, don't be ashamed!" "What would I be doing with another woman?" "Benedick, I don't care." "You can do what you like." "Oh, right." "I see." "What's that look supposed to mean?" "What look?" "That look." "Oh, nothing." "Nothing at all." "Are you smoking crack?" "No." "You know, just high on..." "life." "Oh, my God." "I am horribly in love with her." "You do know there's a large blue ball hidden in your wardrobe, don't you?" "I'm decent now." "I think I'll be the judge of that." "MARGARET:" "One minute, please. (Beatrice clears throat)" "Can I do you now, sir?" "No, thank you, Margaret." "I think I'll manage by myself today." "(Sullenly) Right." "Fine." "Tell me, do they give you a clothing allowance?" "Of course." "What do you spend it on, then?" "It can't all go on Scotch eggs and lager." "You're absolutely right." "This tie's awful, isn't it?" "... right,that...that...that'snotit,isit?" "I say something mean to you, you say something mean to me and we go on from there until you can't think of anything to say." "Those are the rules." "Well, perhaps I've had enough of playing games." "URSULA: 1 0 seconds." "Nine, eight, seven, six..." "What is that supposed to mean?" "I think you know." "Freak." "And live on air." "Good evening!" "Good evening!" "And right, left..." "I don't know about you, ladies." "It's like patting your head and rubbing your tummy, isn't it?" "Now you see my hips have gone all wrong now. (Laughs)" "They say belly-dancing is great exercise." "Well, I can't vouch for that." "What I can say is that I am completely exhausted..." "Four, three, two..." "BEATRlCE ON TAPE:" "Now back to the studio." "PETER:" "Cut and cue. (Laughs)" "The things I do for this show." "BENEDlCK:" "Wareham Women's Institute there, proving that it's not all about jam-making!" "Now, if any of you are still watching out there, it's time for Hero..." "You were tremendous, by the way." "The way you move." "Well, thank you..." "Benedick." "That's, um... that'sverykindofyou." "Now..." "No,really." "Really, you shouldn't put yourself down." "You were... wonderful,wonderful,waybetterthan theothers." "That's my feeling, anyway." "Hero." "Weather." "HERO:" "Thank you, Beatrice." "Now, we've had some lovely photos sent in of the sunset tonight but if you're thinking about getting your barbecue out this weekend, then I'd think again." "That's right, there's only one word for the weather this weekend, and that word is... verychangeable." "We need to talk." "Can it wait till I've got my trousers on?" "No." "(Sighs) We can't go on like this." "I completely agree." "You are driving me crazy." "Well, if you'd let me get my trousers on!" "I'm serious, Benedick." "Oh, no, I'm serious too." "You've been making my life an absolute misery." "I know, but I'm sorry." "If I'd known how you felt, Bea..." "Don'tcallmeBea." "Now, look, we need to sit down, get this out in the open, see if we can come to some sort of mutually satisfying arrangement." "Arrangement?" "Yes, an arrangement." "Well, OK, I wouldn't have put it quite as clinically as that, but, well, if you want to fix a date." "Well, what's wrong with now?" "." "Now?" "." "Yes." "Now, right here." "Let's do it right here." "OK, um... ( Laughs)" "But shouldn't I, I don't know, buy you dinner or something first?" "What?" "Or we could go to your place?" "My place?" "Yeah." "Or a hotel?" "Why would we want to go to a hotel?" "A nice hotel." "No!" "No." "No, not tonight, then." "There isn't time now. lt's Hero's bloody hen night." "I'm mother hen." "I'm going to hell in a stretch limo." "Well, don't go. I've got to go." "Somebody's got to carry all the sex-toys." "Look, I'm going to see you this weekend at the wedding, so why don't we try and find some time to talk things through then?" "Fine." "Suits you, by the way." "What suits me?" "Goodnight, Benedick." "dear Don:" "Just a little reminder of me. love, Hero" "( DOOR OPENS ) HERO:" "Don!" "Working late?" "Just odd bits and pieces, you know." "Car's here." "Coming." "How do I look?" "Like an angel." "See you at the church, then!" "(Sadly) See you at the church." "My name is Bergerac." "Bureau Des Etrangers." "Bergerac, Bergerac, Bergerac." "The Bureau Des Etrangers, Miss Vale, is a branch of the Jersey police, as I'm sure you know perfectly well." "WOMAN ON TV:" "Why on earth should I know that?" "MR BERRY:" "Hello, hello." "Oh, no, my friend." "Don't even think about it." "Cover me." "Don't drink too much." "Oh, stony-cold sober." "Don't flirt." "I wouldn't dare." "And if guys start coming up to you and hassling you..." "Claude, you're jealous!" "Yeah, of course I'm jealous." "A fiance's meant to be jealous!" "Jealous, not insane." "I can look after myself." "Just trust me, OK?" "MARGARET:" "We are leaving without you." "One minute!" "Just remember, I love you." "Oh, very, very much." "And I can't wait to be married to you." "What's the forecast?" "Oh, it's going to be a beautiful day." "Sorry to interrupt." "You forgot this." "Oh, Don, thank you, you've saved my life." "Look, I've got to run." "OK." "OK." "Mmm, OK." "See you." "Be good!" "I'll try!" "Problem?" "Benedick." "MARGARET:" "Benedick." "Benedick, absolutely." "Who's Benedick - that guy on your show?" "." "That's the one." "Oh, yeah, Benedick definitely." "What is it about him, do you think?" "URSULA:" "Sense of humour." "Why do people always say 'sense of humour' when they mean 'sex'?" "Change the subject, anyone." "He just has this air, like he'd know his way around." "BEATRlCE:" "Middle East?" "global warming?" "Enthusiastic, a bit dirty, a laugh." "Maybe it's the way he stares at your breasts when he's talking to you." "MARGARET:" "I don't mind that." "Well, I don't!" "Beatrice, your turn." "Can't we play something different?" "Chess or something?" "Come on, play the game." "Otherwise you'll have to do the forfeit." "Yes!" "Fine." "Fine." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I, um..." "..I just have to... makeaphone-callorsomething." "Phase two?" "Let's do it." "Well, I think it's a crying shame." "MARGARET:" "He loves her so much." "Claude says it's all he talks about." "It's the way he looks at her on air that breaks my heart." "Such yearning." "There's so much love there." "Sometimes he says he's talking to her and it's, you know, all he can do not to just take hold of her and kiss her." "Hard." "On the mouth." "That's what he told Claude, anyway." "So why doesn't he just tell her?" "HERO:" "There's no point." "You know how proud she is." "URSULA:" "And such an attractive woman too." "MARGARET:" "Yeah, she is now." "But that whole Katharine Hepburn ice-queen act won't be looking so clever in five years' time." "If she's not careful, she'll turn into one of those women whose idea of a wild night is a really big tub of hummus." "URSULA:" "Margaret!" "MARGARET:" "Have you noticed?" "She's getting these lines like little bitter wrinkles, like brackets round her mouth from sneering all the time." "Well, if she's so bloody smart, why doesn't she treat him with a bit of respect instead of looking down her nose at him all the time, the stuck-up, frigid old cow?" "." "Having said all that," "I must emphasise that I really do like her tremendously." "URSULA:" "Can anyone smell smoke?" "MARGARET:" "Oh, God, she's not in here, is she?" "HERO:" "Beatrice?" "No, I think she went outside for some fresh air." "MARGARET:" "Beatrice!" "Come out, come out wherever you are!" "Ooh, check under the cubicle door!" "MARGARET:" "Let's go." "Let's go, shall we?" "He loves me." "Well, it makes sense, I suppose." "Maybe I have been a bit too harsh on him." "Bit cold maybe." "No reason why I can't be at least..." "..civil." "After all, people can change, can't they?" "It is possible." "Here." "Allow me." "No, no." "I can manage, really." "Oh, my God." "What?" "You've changed." "I mean, you've sha... you'veshaved." "What's happened to your hair?" "Oh!" "It's just a bit of... dabofproduct." "Oh, product, right." "Do you approve?" "Yeah." "You look, um... better." "Well, good." "Are you together?" "BOTH:" "No." "No, no. (Laughs) No." "This is Beatrice Evans." "And this is Benedick Taylor." "Yes, I recognise the gentleman." "From the telly when I was a kid." "He used to do the bit between the shows." "The mascot?" "The little toy bunny." "Billy." "Billy the Bunny's Birthday Club." "Yes, I have..." "I 'vedoneotherstuffsince." "You know, more serious, journalistic..." "It's not... funny!" "No." "I have you in adjoining rooms." "BOTH:" "Adjoining rooms?" "I can put you in different rooms, if you'd prefer." "Oh..." "Oh,Idon 'tmind." "Don't think that'll be necessary. lf you don't mind." "There's a lock, isn't there?" "I believe so." "BYE THEN BYE" "Ooh!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "So I'll see you..." "Sorry, you were saying?" "No, you go fir..." "So are you..." "What?" "Are you going down for dinner?" "No, no, I thought I'd get room service." "Oh, OK." "What were you going to say?" "Um..." "Oh, I was going to say..." "..see you in the morning." "Oh." "OK." "See you in the morning." "'Bye then." "'Bye." "'Night." "'Night." "Claude?" "Don." "Don!" "Don!" "Don, Don, Don, my old mate, good to see you." "How are you?" "I need to have a quick word." "Can we go somewhere private?" "Yeah." "You're lying." "If you could just let me down, we could talk this over properly." "There's nothing to talk about because it's all lies." "Just one minute?" "You must have seen us talking, Claude." "At work, you've never noticed us talking?" "She feels sorry for you." "She gave me these photos." "We don't get to see each other very much, so she gives me these." "She's written on the back, see?" "She's wearing her swimming costume in this one." "Very, very beautiful girl, don't you think?" "Mmm, you stole these." "You must have stolen these and forged the writing." "Text messages..." "..sent from her phone." "This one's on her hen night." ""l'll be home later." ""Come and see me." "I can't wait."" "It is a lot to take in, I know." "Surprised me too, if I'm honest." "I know I'm not a very attractive person, or loveable, likeable even." "But Hero..." "..she sees something." "God knows what, but..." "..she sees it." "I want you to know that she's always been very, very fond of you." "And... um..." "if you wanted, you could probably still get married..." "Come with me now to her room, watch what happens and then you can make up your own mind." "(Switches tap on) Who is it?" "Well... me." "Right. (Laughs awkwardly)" "Come in." "Yeah, I just..." "I 'mjustcleaningmyteethoverhere." "In the..." "In..." "Inthebathroom." "Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'll..." "No, no, no." "Mmm." "Mmm-mmm." "You sure I'm not disturbing you?" "No." "No." "No, not at all." "Yes, there was just something I wanted to ask you." "Um, you know this speech tomorrow..." "You know, everyone's expecting all kinds of laddy humour and, you know, I just wanted to challenge people's prejudices and read a Shakespeare sonnet instead." "Very original. lsn't it?" "So I've..." "I 'vefoundthispoemand, um..." "I just wanted to make absolutely sure I understand it and you're a lot smarter about this stuff than me, so..." "Go on." "So I just wanted to say it for you." "To you." "is that OK?" "A poetry recital." "I know." "I'm a mass of contradictions." "So, um..." "..you have to promise not to laugh." "Can't promise that." "OK, here goes. (Clears throat)" ""ls this a dagger that I see before me?" Joke!" "Oh. (Laughs) Joke." "This is the one here." "Uh..." "Sonnet1 1 6 ." ""Let me not..." ""To the marriage of true minds admit impediments."" "God, you're clever." "It's an echo of the bit in the wedding ceremony." "It means, um... he,thepoet, refuses to accept any reason why two people who are..." "Compatible?" "Shouldn't be together." ""Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."" "Uh, true love is constant." ""Or bends with the remover to remove."" "And you can't stop loving somebody just because they stop loving you." ""O, no!" Meaning... "Oh,no!"" ""lt is an ever-fixed... "" "Ooh." "Or you could say 'fix-ed'." "The rhythm, it's iambic." "Fix-ed." "Fix-ed." ""..fix-ed mark" ""that looks on tempests and is never shaken." ""lt is the star to every wand'ring bark" ""Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken."" "Yes, now, a bark is a ship." "It's a seafaring metaphor, navigation." "This thing, love, is as constant as the Northern Star." "It's always there looking over you, no matter how lost you are, or... or...or...orhowconfusing." "You look awkward stood there." "Do you want to come and sit here?" "Ooh, yes, now, this next bit's beautiful." ""Love's not Time's fool," ""Though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come."" "Meaning that, uh...um..." "..even though we or..." "..or people in general might get a bit knackered, we, or they, will still fancy each other." "Well, you're paraphrasing, obviously." "Yeah, I'm paraphrasing." "Um... "Lovealtersnotwithhisbrief hours andweeks" ""But bears it out even to the edge of doom."" "Um... "Tilldeathdo us part"-theweddingvows." "Exactly." ""lf this be error and upon me prov'd," ""I never writ... "" ""Nor no man ever lov'd."" "Except he did write it." "And men... havefalleninlove before." "So therefore..." "Shakespearemustberight." "Exactly." "We should go to bed." "Except I'm already in bed." "So you are." "Yep." "'Night." "Uh, you know, sweet sorrow and all that." "Yes!" "Goodnight." "Benedick?" "Nice poem." "Don, it's very late." "I know, I know." "I really ought to get some sleep." "I'm sorry, it's just, uh..." "Well..." "I've had a bit to drink and what with the talk about the wedding and everything," "I got to thinking about my ex." "Oh, Don." "I just need to talk to someone." "Just for a minute?" "Oh, so this is it - the famous dress." "You don't think it's too much?" "Beatrice says it makes me look like a snow-drift." "(Laughs) She's just jealous." "You're going to look beautiful." "Isn't it, um, bad luck to see the wedding dress before the big day?" "Only if you were marrying me." "( PHONE rings ) I'd better get that." "It's Claude." "Best not tell him I'm here, eh?" "Don't want him to get the wrong idea." "Hello?" "Hello there." "Claude, I thought we agreed..." "No, I know, I just wanted to hear your voice." "What are you doing?" "Getting ready for bed." "Anyone with you?" "Like who?" "I mean, Margaret or Beatrice or anyone." "No, I'm by myself." "I'm thinking about you, though." "(Sadly) Are you?" "Of course I am." "Claude, are you alright?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You... justsoundalittledistant." "You're not phoning to say the wedding's off or anything like that, are you?" "No." "I was just, uh..." "phoning for the latest forecast, actually." "Oh, I see." "Bright sun and clear skies to start, then cloud starting to form, patchy showers later." "Rain?" "No, no." "Don't worry, it won't rain." "Beatrice forbids it." "And even if it does, we won't let anything spoil our day, will we?" "No." "Of course not." "I'm very happy, Claude." "Me too." "I'm very happy too." "Tomorrow then?" "CLAUDE:" "Tomorrow." "Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get the alarm to..." "You're not going like that, are you?" "Beautiful." "Just so..." "(Laughs) ..beautiful." "Where were you last night, lover boy?" "Keeping me waiting?" "(Laughs) How d'you mean?" "Well, you know how it is - you're in a nice hotel, you've had a couple of drinks, a warm, fragrant bath, your mind starts to wander..." "Do me up, will you?" "Hmm?" "I've come undone again." "Oh." "You know, Ben, I'm starting to think you don't love me anymore." "In fact, I think your affections lie elsewhere." "PETER:" "OK, lf everybody could start taking their places, please..." "Sorry, that's my job, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." "If I could just have a..." "Justgivemeonesecond." "They're on their way." "Mr Armitage, there have been a number of strange occurrences." "We've taken the liberty of jotting them down..." "Can this wait, Mr Berry?" "I am about to give away my only child." "I understand that." "It's just that my deputy, young Vincent, was on patrol last night and he overheard something." "Now, Vince, tell him exactly what you told me." "Sorry, can you start taking your places in the church, please?" "Remember, if you want to bail out at any moment, give me the word, we'll make a run for it." "is this helping you to relax in any way at all?" "You're so beautiful." "Thank you." "I'm sorry." "Don't be daft." "What for?" "Claude, you're shaking!" "Dear friends, we are gathered here today before the congregation, to join together this man and woman in holy matrimony." "Marriage is a solemn vow made in the sight of God." "Therefore, if any person can show any just cause or impediment why this man and this woman may not lawfully be joined together, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." "I do." "'I do' comes later." "Remember?" "So we'll just proceed with the service, shall we?" "That's right." "Bad joke." "Carry on." "Right." "I'm sorry, but I do know of an impediment." "Can you think of one, Hero?" "No." "What?" "Nothing at all?" "Come on, think." "It's obvious really." "Stop this, please, Claude." "OK, here's a clue." "How about lying?" "This really isn't funny, Claude." "How about the fact that she's a lying, cheating, scheming, deceitful bitch... ?" "What did you say?" "You're here to give her away, Leonard, right?" "Yes, but..." "Well,Idon 'twanther." "She's rotten goods." "Here, you can take her back!" "Hey!" "Claude, that's enough, mate!" "Oh, look at her!" "The blushing bride, all innocent." "You'd never guess from that face what a dishonest little tart she really is!" "Come here, you..." "HERO:" "I don't understand." "Why are you doing this?" "I know the truth, Hero!" "I know about the two of you - the secret meetings, the picnics on the beach, the messages, the photographs..." "What messages, what photographs?" "I saw him go to your room, Hero." "I saw you kiss him, saw you put your arms around him." "I was waiting outside." "The night before your wedding, Hero?" "Who?" "Don?" "Are you talking about Don?" "Sorry, Hero." "I had to tell him." "That Don?" "Was he or wasn't he in your room last night?" "No!" "I mean, yes." "Yes, he came to my room, but just to talk." "He said he felt lonely, I felt sorry for him." "Felt sorry for him?" "!" "Oh, that's a good one." "And how many other men have you felt sorry for!" "Stop this, Claude, you're being ridiculous." "Alright!" "Alright, one more question then." "Answer me this." "Have you slept with him?" "Deny it." "Go on, here in church." "Please, Hero." "I want so much for you to deny it." "Answer him, sweetheart." "I thought you loved me, Claude." "If you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me." "And you've broken my heart, Claude." "You complete pillock!" "She didn't deny it, Leonard." "PETER:" "Leonard, Leonard." "CLAUDE:" "She didn't deny it!" "They've taken her back to the hotel." "Try and calm her down." "I can't believe I wrote a speech!" "Generally speaking, though, I think it all went pretty well..." "Please, Ben..." "You're crying." "Yes, and I intend to cry a little longer." "I hate seeing you cry." "Well, don't worry, it's not your fault." "Not this time, anyway." "You know, there's nothing in this world I love as much as you." "Isn't that strange?" "Almost as strange as if I were to say I love you." "Well, I'd..." "..I'd been led to believe, to... well,to-tohope..." "..that that perhaps was the case." "I love you, Beatrice." "There you go. (Laughs) I've never said that before." "Well, it might've slipped out once or twice, you know, in the heat of the moment, but I never..." "I neverthoughtI'd say itandmeanit..." "Ben..." "I love you so much, Beatrice, and if I can't have you, then I think I'll go mad." "Then I'm sorry, Benedick." "What are you sorry for, Beatrice?" "You've caught me at a very unhappy time." "I was about to say I loved you too." "Well, say it then." "I love you so much, I can hardly breathe..." "Beatrice, I'll do anything for you, anything you ask." "Anything." "Kill Claude." "(Laughs) Except for that maybe." "Why not?" "I feel like killing him!" "Well, yes, but I'm sure he had his reasons..." "What?" "What?" "What-what reasons?" "!" "What reasons could he possibly have for humiliating the poor girl like that on her wedding day!" "What kind of vicious, spiteful... ?" "Get away from me!" "Beatrice..." "On her wedding day!" "At the altar!" "To do that to the woman you claim to love!" "I swear, Ben, if I was a man I would eat his heart!" "Hang on a second..." "ExceptwhywouldIwanttobeaman?" "You're all the same!" "Beatrice..." "Here he stands, spewing out this filth, this poison at Hero, who's never hurt anyone in her entire life, and what do you all do, you brave, honourable men?" "You just stand there." "Useless, listening to this slander, these lies!" "Don't you dare walk away from me when I'm shouting at you!" "I love you, Beatrice..." "..and I want to make everything alright." "Ah, there you are." "I wonder if I could have a word." "I swear, Mr Berry, if you ask to see my id..." "Actually, I think we might have an explanation for all this." "It'll only take a minute." "(Drunkenly) I do." "Oh, I do." "I think it's nice." "Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man!" "Claude, you're drunk." "I should bloody hope so." "Ooh, get stuck in, the boss is paying." "Or should I say ex-boss." "If you're hungry, 250 portions of salmon out the back..." "I need to talk with you." "Alone." "Fine." "I know when I'm not wanted." "Good." "You're not wanted, so go." "No, Don, you stay here." "Don." "Don." "Ooh!" "Whoa, whoa." "What you going to do?" "Hit me?" "I'm trying hard not to!" "Claude, you know you've done something terrible, don't you?" "Well, uh... see,that,my friend,isa matterofopinion." "You're not my friend and it's not a matter of opinion." "He's tricked you, Claude." "He's made you look a fool." "Who" " Don?" "I don't think so." "I've seen the proof." "What proof, Claude?" "The photos..." "He stole them." "From Hero's room." "Mr Berry here saw him." "That's right." "The night of the party." "And the text messages..." "He used her phone." "He's been borrowing her phone and texting his own number." "What about on her hen night?" "How did he get her phone then?" "He had her bag, remember?" "He gave it to her in the corridor." "I saw him." "You were there." "No, no, no, no..." "This is ridiculous." "I ..." "I ..." "I saw him gotoherroom,lastnight." "I was there. ln her room?" "No, outside, but I saw him..." "You saw what you wanted to see, Claude." "You saw what he told you to see." "Why would he do all this to... ?" "Just so you know, Beatrice is bringing her down now." "Hero?" "Oh..." "I've got to talk to her." "No, not now, Claude." "No, I need to speak to..." "Notnow." "Let go of me or I swear..." "No,Ineedtospeak toher !" "Ben,letgoof me!" "YOU !" "I want to talk to you, Don." "Hero, I think I might have made..." "Notnow,Claude..." "No, I need to say..." "I thinkyou'vesaidquiteenoughalready!" "Don't you?" "He showed me photos..." "I said SHUT UP!" "It's him I want to talk to." "Alright, alright." "HERO:" "One question." "Tell me why, Don, because I need to understand." "Wasn't I kind to you?" "Affectionate?" "A good friend?" "Didn't I listen to you talk on and on into the night?" "And... didn'tI tellyouthe way Ifelt aboutyou?" "Wasn't I honest?" "So tell me, why would you do this to me, Don?" "Because I love you." "And you humiliated me..." "..and I wanted you to know what that felt like." "(Squeals) Hero, Hero, no!" "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you..." "Stop!" "I said stop!" "LEONARD:" "Sweetheart!" "WOMAN:" "is she alright?" "Oh, Jesus. (All exclaim)" "Back, everyone, give her air!" "BEATRlCE:" "Come away, it's alright." "CLAUDE:" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry!" "PETER:" "Claude, you've got to let go." "CLAUDE:" "Alright." "Look after her, please." "Call an ambulance." "Ambulance!" "BEATRlCE:" "It's alright. it's alright." "Back, everyone, please!" "BEATRlCE:" "It's alright." "I got you this." "What is it?" "Coffee." "Maybe soup." "Thanks." "I think I'll pass." "Poor old Leonard." "What do we do now?" "." "Wait and see what the tests say." "Maybe have a cup of tea..." "URSULA:" "Yeah." "LEONARD:" "Mmm?" "URSULA:" "That's a good idea." "It's not good, I'm afraid." "She's still not conscious." "They're going to do more tests in the morning and then maybe operate." "I think the best we can do now is just go home and sleep." "Thanks, Pete." "Let me take you home." "I'm sorry, Ben." "What for?" "We had something to talk about, didn't we?" "And now doesn't really seem like the right time." "It can wait." "So... herewe are!" "Sorry..." "I don't know what to say." "I thought when I saw you, it would all come..." "..flooding out, you know?" "." "Some special combination of words to tell you how sorry I am..." "..how much I love you..." "..and miss you." "But they're not my strong point, are they - words?" "They won't do what I want them to." "So I'll just have to say that I would happily give my life right now..." "..if you'd just open your eyes and say something... anything, even if it's to say that you hate me." "Because if you don't, Hero, I really don't know what I'm going to do." "Sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "lmmediately, please." "I'm sorry." "What's happening?" "Oh God, no..." "No!" "Hero!" "You can't come in, sir. ls she alright?" "I need to see her!" "Claude?" "Who are all these people?" "Excuse me, is there anyone sitting here?" "Well, actually, I'm waiting for a friend." "Well, do you mind if I sit down while you wait?" "So, am I late?" "Only about three years." "I've been offered a job." "In London." "It's just a production job to begin with, but maybe get onscreen soon." "Are you going to take it?" "Don't know." "It's a big step... movingaway..." "I think you should go." "Claude, if you're expecting me to forgive you, you're wasting your time." "But I only did it because I loved you." "Funny, that's what Don said." "I'm so bored of people using love as an excuse." "That's not love, anyway, that's just... possession" "And I'm bored of being owned too - by you..." "..by my dad." "I'm just going to look after myself for a while." "You know, think things through." "But... whenyou'vehadsometime , maybe... youwouldthinkabout..." "..carrying on where we left off?" "(Laughs) What, get married?" "To you?" "Never in a million years." "OK, maybe not in the short term, but..." "..sometime in the future perhaps." "Just say I can hope, Hero, please." "Please?" "SOMETIMES IN THE FUTURE" "True minds." "Let me not to the marriage of true minds..." "..be... admit..." ""Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments." ""Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."" ""Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments." ""Love is not love... "Hey!" "Come on." "Everyone's waiting." "There." "Right, good." "OK?" "This alright?" "Yeah." "Go!" "Nostril hairs?" "Yeah, no, it's fine." "BENEDlCK:" "Have you any idea what confetti actually costs?" "I swear it'd be cheaper to throw cash." "And look at these flowers." "Seen for, what, 20 minutes, they chuck them out." "You know, I tell you, somewhere out there right now, there's a florist and a caterer having a bloody good laugh." "Shut up, will you?" "You're making me nervous." "Wrong side." "Hmm?" "Oh." "Sorry." "Remind me, what are we doing here?" "I have absolutely no idea."