"It's not his, Holly's kid." "She lied, dyed his hair." "She's history." " You forgotten what he put you through?" " Forgotten - no, forgiven - perhaps." "I think I'm having a breakdown." "So am I." "Did you ever think that maybe we just weren't supposed to get together?" "Hah!" "I'm here!" "Oh, God!" "So tired" "Tired of waiting" "Tired of waiting for you" " Morning, Mac." " I was a lonely soul" "I had nobody till I met you" "But you keep me waiting" "All of the time" "What can I do?" " It's your life" " Coming." "And you can do what you want" "Do what you like" "But please don't keep me waiting" "Please don't keep me waiting" "Cos I'm so tired" "Tired of waiting" "Tired of waiting for you" "So tired" "Tired of waiting" "Tired of waiting for you" "For you" "Nearly there." "Nearly." " It's all yours." " About bloody time." " Do you wanna..." " What?" " Put some makeup on?" " Oh, thanks." "No, no, no." "I mean, you look great, but..." " No!" " What?" " Oh, you've spoiled it!" " Spoiled what?" " The mirror." "I'd written in it." " Really?" "What did you write?" "Well, you know, it doesn't matter now, but if you must know, it was 'I love you'." " You bloody narcissist." "Now, get out." " Well..." " No, go on." " Are you gonna see Ginger Nuts today?" " We work with Ginger Nuts." " Can't we go to a different hospital?" " What?" " You and me do our stuff somewhere else." "No." "Go away." " Oh, let me brush your teeth." " No." "Get out." "I'll do the top and you do the bottom." "Sue White." "Yeah." "Don't mind me." "Just feeling a little Morrissey today." "Ah, like an attention-seeking dilettante wallowing in teenage angst whilst displaying a spurious nostalgia for the working classes." " Aye, that's the fellow." " Yep." "For you." "A restraining order?" " But why, Mac, why?" " Because life is too short." "Read it, learn it by heart, never bother me again." " Can I do it if I don't actually touch...?" " No, no, no." "What about if I spoke in Portuguese?" "No." "Not in any language ever." "I could sniff your intoxicating trouser fragrance." "Look, don't you think you sound like an ink-jet printer?" "Go away or go to jail." "But what about the wee bairn?" "Harriet, what the fuck?" "Ian found out about Lyndon and threw me out." "Told me to take what I needed and leave." "And I couldn't find a suitcase." "It's very hot in here." "What happened to you?" "I got really drunk last night." "The hen party padlocked this to my testicles." "Sorry." "It didn't hurt you, did it?" " Morning, guys." " Hiya." "Who's there?" "Hm?" "Is that you?" "You, back from the grave to wreak your dwarfish vengeance upon me?" "Well, I won't have it!" "You..." "I won't!" "So..." "You're not real." "You get out!" "You're not real." "You're just a midgety figment of my imagination." "Be gone!" "Oh, bloody..." "Hello, Alan." " I can't go into my office." " You're in my cupboard." " I can't face people." " You're in my cupboard." " Oh, Jesus, Alan, we're going to prison." " No, we're not." " D'you what'll happen to me in prison?" " What?" "I'll be lady-bummed." "I'll end up some bitch's bitch." "I won't let them." "You're my bitch." "Criminals always get caught." "Don't you watch TV?" " We're not going to prison!" " They'll look for us." "Why?" "Where's the motive?" "Why would we murder a dwarf?" " Why would you kill a dwarf?" " You shut up!" "You shut up with your...!" "I've had it up to here with dwarves!" " No more dwarf!" " Yes, that's right, thanks to you." "You..." "Alan?" " What?" " I'm hungry." "And I need a pee." "I'll..." "I'll look after you." "I love you." "Mm-hm." " I love her." "I love her." " Do you?" "Yeah." " Oh, how sweet." " What?" " No, it is." "That's sweet." "It's cute." " It's not cute." " Oh, it is, it is." " It's... it's..." " Well, then, just let her go." "Let her go." " I don't..." "I wanna keep her." "Suit yourself, then." "Taxidermist." "You'll need to kill her, have her stuffed before she'll stay with you." "You know nothing about love." "You don't know a thing." " Well, go on, why don't you tell me about it?" " Why don't I?" " Do you know about it?" " Yeah." " Go on, then." "Let's hear it." " Right." "Love... is... waking up in the middle of the night..." " That's about as far as I've got." " Is it?" " Yeah." " Right." "It's not great, is it?" "Well..." "Have a chocolate cock." "They're quite cheering." "No, not both of them." "They are actually quite cheering." " Vodka?" " No, my darling, I think not." "No vodka for you." "Maybe a coffee or..." "Hi." "We were just wondering whether you'd cancelled today's session." " We thought maybe it would be in here." " Right." "Yes." "Cancelled." "Hm." "Is that smoke?" "Yes." "It's... it's a smoking..." "It's my... my smoking cupboard." " Oh, right, yeah." "There might be a fire." " No." "No." " They say, 'No smoke without fire.'" " That is precisely what a fool might think." "A fool who also thinks that I might keep a person in storage and, not only that, but give them a cigarette to smoke within." " Alan?" " Shut up." " What?" " Shut up." "Well, not you." "Her." "No, him." "Him." " Did you say anything?" " No, well, shut up, nobody." "Just..." "Is..." " Is that a glass of wee?" " No, no, that's apple juice." " Oh, that's funny, cos it... it smells like wee." " No, it's... it's or-organic." "That's..." " Chin-chin." " Chinny chin-chin and, er, bottoms." " Oh, yes." " Refreshing." "Lovely." "It's-it's the, um..." "Yes." "Mm." "Thank you very much, cupboard lady." " I love it when patients give you things." " Apart from venereal disease." " He's on his last legs." " Who, yo-yo man?" " I'm assuming he had a real name." " But you can't remember it." " Can you?" " No, but you're the moral one, so it's worse." " You know yo-yo man died." " Yeah." "He had a name, actually." " I can't remember what it was." " Yeah, neither can we." "You know, the last thing he said to me was:" "'Don't die alone like me in a place like this.'" "'Find someone you love.'" "'Ask them to marry you, raise children together and live a full and rich, happy life.'" "I don't get it." "Walk the dog." "Catch the monkey." "Chase the rabbit." "Open the fridge." "Rearrange the kitchen." " Wise words." " Yeah." "Good old yo-yo man." "Stroke the beaver." "Smell the witch." "Oh, count the ants." "All I'm saying is that you will never be a one-woman man." " That's rubbish." "I am." "I am." " Yeah?" "Yeah." " What about that new blonde girl in ENT?" " Not interested." " Not interested?" " No." "No." "I've changed." "How about Graham in dermatology?" "Changed, as in I think I'm ready for commitment." "I'll sign your commitment papers today." " Commitment with a woman." " Ah." "I can see myself with about a dozen children." " That's illegal, isn't it?" " Mac!" " What would you do with them?" " Teach them Guyball." " I'd buy them a train set." " A train set?" " I love train sets." " You do." "It's supposed to be for the children." " I was never allowed one." " Nothing wrong with wanting a train set." "That's a very good quality in a wife." "Woman." "Doctor." "If you're looking for a wife/woman/doctor..." "Aren't you looking for a wife/woman/doctor?" "Well, I haven't placed an advert in Wife/Woman/Doctor Weekly this week." " Which week might you put an ad in, then?" " Maybe he will never put an ad in." " Is that true?" " Well, it depends." "It's difficult, placing an ad." "Sometimes you get your hopes up and then the person who answers the ad can let you down, then suddenly you're back to where you started." "I think you need to be very sure before you place the ad." "Suppose you're waiting for the ad from a specific person?" "Do you wait for that ad or do you go with another ad, one that's maybe got a typo in it?" "I think you have to know exactly what you want." " I see." " What do you mean by typo, exactly?" "Yeah, I'm not sure." "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho." "Yes, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "Ah, ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Dr Statham?" "Oh." "Erm..." "You may be thinking, erm..." "There's no need to stare." "It's not dirty." "It's not a cupboard." "It's a woman." "But she won't come out, hence the need for... for this." "Wait." "No." "No, sorry." "M-magic has gone." "And I think I may have a splinter." "Two, four, six, eight!" "We've got a message from your mate!" "Give us an M!" "Excuse me." "Give us an M!" "Er, M." " Give us an A!" " A." " Give us a..." " Is it a C?" "It's an R." "Oh, R." "Give us a T-I-N!" " Martin." " Yeah!" "Marry him!" "Marry him!" "Marry him!" "Marry him!" "Marry me." "Sorry, Martin." " She said no." " What?" "She said no!" "She said no!" "She said no!" "She said no!" "She said no!" "She said no!" "Yeah!" "What's that?" "More apple juice?" "No, Mr Boyce, it's coffee." " No, it is coffee." "Look." " No, not that, this." "No, it's about a gentleman of restricted growth." "Y-you mean the-the thing, the pixie, the dwarf, is it?" " If you like, yeah." " Oh." "W-well, why is it funny?" "He owned a small business and here they've referred to him as a small businessman." " Do you get it?" "Fantastic journalism." " And what does it say?" "It says, 'The disappearance of Alistair Taylor took an interesting twist today when it was discovered that the small businessman had debts of over GBP2.3 million.'" "Ooh!" "Ah." "Yeah." "His... 'His disappearance is now being treated by police as suicide.'" "Oh, y...!" "That's very..." "You made me spill my coffee." "So funny." "That's... hah!" " You all right?" " Oh, yes." "You have it." "You have the coffee." "Oh!" "Ha-ha!" "You can come out." "Come on!" "Out, out, out!" " We're in the clear." "Yes!" " No." "Come on, yes." "I mean, it's in the paper." "Everything..." "They think... they... they... they think..." "they... they think... they think it's a suicide." "It's... it's in the..." "Th-th-the dwarf was a bankrupt." " I'm not coming out." " No, come on." "You must come out." " I'm not coming out." "Get off me." " Come out, out, out." " I'm not..." " Come out!" " Me!" " Get out, you!" "Come out." "I'll pull you out." "Right, come on." "Out, come on." "Right." "Now, come on." "Pull yourself together." "Pull yourself together." "Now, listen." "Listen." "Everything's fine." "We've done it." " We are beyond the law." " No." "Yes, yes!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Hm?" "Hm?" "Hm?" "Come on, w-we..." "This is our time." "Yes." "Come on." "Yes." "Yes." "Come on." "Come on." "Oh." "We got away with it." "Yes, my sweet." "We didn't just cross the line." "Maybe there is no line." " No rules." " No." "We could do anything." "Anything." "Oh." "Oh." "No, not the pens." " Hi." " Hi." "I..." "I wanted to talk to you about earlier." "Who?" "You know, as in earlier on today when you wrote 'I love you' on-on the mirror." "You know, when you wrote 'I love you' on the mirror." "Well, someone who looked and sounded just like you did." "It was meant for me, wasn't it?" "Right." "It's a shame, because I realise that I..." "I didn't take the person who did it seriously at the time." "I wanted to thank them." " Thank them?" " Yeah." "I, er..." "I, um..." "I-I liked it." "I liked that they wrote that." "I-I like... them." " But, you know, as it wasn't you..." " Marry me." "What?" " Marry me." " Is this some sort of bet?" "No, no, no, no." "This is me, here and now, asking you to marry me." "Marry me." " Oh, my God." " Yeah, I get that a lot." " I'm sure you do." " Please don't say no." "Say maybe." "Say you'll think about it, but don't say no." "OK." " OK, you'll think about it?" " OK, I'll think about it." " Really?" " Really." "Kiss me again while I think about it." "Oh, yes." " This is what you've always wanted to do?" " Yes, yes." "We can do anything." "Let's do something exciting." " Come on, make the call." "Go on." " All right." "Hello." "Can you tell Mr Boyce he's wanted in Dr Statham's office right away, please?" " Yeah, thank you." "He's on his way." " Oh, good, good." "It'll be very funny." "This will be very funny." "Oh!" "No, turn it, turn it, turn it so the slit's forward so I can see when to jump out." " You are really good at that." " I practise a lot." "Of course, if you say yes," "I'll just practise on you." " Too much?" " A bit." "Yeah." "Sorry." "He'll never do that." "He-he never sees anything through." "You'll be waiting forever." "And-and he kisses like a newt." "I'm told." "Dr Statham, you wanted to see me?" "Um... yes." "Is it about the reports I did last?" "I mean, I can do them a lot better." "No, they're fine." "Very good." " Right." "Can I... can I go?" " Um, yes." "OK." "See you." " Are you gonna do any work today?" " Not till I know it's safe." " What's the problem?" " I thought I saw a Clanger." "Jesus!" " A what?" " A Clanger." "Oh." "I thought you said 'shark'." "Stop it!" " Come in." " I am in." "Are you blind as well as Scottish?" " What do you want?" " You're fired." "Go on." "Pack your bags and piss off." "Have you got official confirmation of this in writing, perhaps?" " Yeah." " Can I see it?" " 'I love you.' - 'Bye-bye, bitch.'" "Any particular reason at all?" " Yeah, you're fat." " Yeah." "Fair enough." "Hello." "How are you?" "What, no quips?" "No witty asides?" "No hilarious gags?" "Are you feeling all right?" "Is there something wrong?" "No." "Oh, God, no." "You bloody, bloody man!" "You had to go and show off, didn't you?" "Mac, I am so sorry." "I don't know what came over me." "It just happened." "My brain got all fuzzy." "It never meant anything." "It was just a kiss." "Quite a long kiss, and there were two of them, but I have to assure you that I feel absolutely nothing for Guy." "He didn't tell me." " Oh." " Hm." "Are you all right with the fact that we kissed?" " We never kissed." " No, me and Caroline." "Fine, yeah." "Are you all right with what she said?" "Yeah, fine." "It was all a bit vague, really." "'I feel absolutely nothing for Guy.' That was vague, was it?" "Oh, that bit." "Well, yeah, I mean, she was just trying to... spare your feelings." "We all work together." "She had to be diplomatic." "Right." "So if I just went for it one day, say, I said, you know... asked her to marry me, she would turn me down flat, would she?" " Well, I know you." "You wouldn't do that." " Right." "Wouldn't I?" "No." "Dr Todd, hello." "So, erm..." "I was wondering if I could ask you something." " No, you can't!" " Well, what do you mean?" "What?" "What?" "What, I mean, what do I mean?" "No, no, sorry." "Sorry." "Carry on." "Fine." " Do you think that...?" " No, wait!" "Just..." "All right, just go on." "Be careful." "Be careful." "Would you consider an aortal incision to be worth the risk in this case?" "I don't think I would, no." "She said no!" "Boo ya!" "Although I appreciate Dr Macartney taking a moment to respect my professional opinion." "No, no, no, no, no." "Oh, dear." " You're a bit late." " Yes, I thought it's best not to bother with your silly little meeting, as you're all a bunch of bloody oiks." "I come to inform you that the sandwiches you're eating have been tampered with." "They contain traces of my very own poo." "So, what do you think of that, hm?" "Hm?" "You're eating poowiches." "You're playing Russian poolette." "So." "Mm-hm." "Yes." "Ah." "These have been delivered by Turnbulls." "They arrived five minutes ago." "They're very good." "Care to try one?" "Yes, they have." "Yes, exactly." "And the ones with the clingfilm on that I put there?" "Ah, I think those went to the patients." "The patients, yes." "And-and hopefully they'll all die of poo." "You bloody fucksies." "Joanna." "Charles." "Right." "Er... 46B, complaints procedure." " Kiss me." " What?" "Kiss me." "I need someone to kiss me now." "I went too far, didn't I?" "Ow!" "Oh, it doesn't matter, doesn't matter." " Hi." " Hi." " I wanted to... to ask you something." " Did you?" "Yeah." "Well, you know, hence me standing here saying I wanna ask you something." " Yeah." "What do you want?" " Erm... you." "Well, you've come to the right place, cos here I am." "Yeah." "No, I, erm..." " I-I want you." " Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Yeah." "Erm..." "OK." "Not really sure how... how this is gonna come out, so, um, it's a bit tricky, but, um..." " Caroline..." " Wait." "Wait." " Are you... are you about to propose?" " Um..." "Only-only it'll be my third today." "Oh, great." "Right." "Quite a day." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." "So, what did you say to these... these proposals?" "A yes, no and a maybe." "Right." "So, what would I be?" "A yes, no or maybe?" "Oh, you're the yes." "Of course, you realise that I didn't actually propose to you just now?" "No... no, no, but then, you know, you were pacing about and looking nervous, so I..." "Yeah, yeah, that's..." "No, that's cos I was building up to getting round to asking you whether or not you would swap shifts with me tonight." "Short notice, I know, so you don't have to." "Really not a problem." "I can ask someone else." "So it's cool." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Good." "Good." "No, I just thought..." " What?" "What did you think?" " I..." "I thought you were going..." "No, I was just..." "Well, I don't know what I was." "And anyway, who actually wants to get married these days?" "I mean, it's just so..." "Absolutely." "Absolutely." " You could always move in with me." " What?" "Well, that's what I was gonna ask you before I made up the bit about swapping shifts." "Why would you do that?" "Cos, um..." "I wanted to make really sure that I could live in the same house as both your eyebrows." " You can be very cruel sometimes." " Yes." "I don't think I'd quite finished." "Go!" "Go!" " Go!" "Run!" "Just go." " Just get off the..." "Come on." "Let's..." " Come on." "Pull yourself together." " There's a police car!" " I know." "I know." " They've..." "Oh, my God, they've come for me." "Quick, run!" "Well, where are you?" "No, where are you?" "Where are you?" "I love Fridays, cos the afternoon doesn't really count, does it?" "Well, then, I should be able to see you." "Where?" "No, I can't see you." "No." "I can't see you." "I can't see you." "Look, just give me a call when you're back in the building." "Yeah, OK." "Yeah, all right." "Bye." "Shh!" "Hello?" "No, Dr Statham, no, he..." "H-hello." "Is it you?" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, I'm ready." "Hm?" "What?" "W-w-where are they?" "Oh, my fuck." "Oh, my fuck." "Well, what shall I do?" "Hm?" "They're here." "They're here." "Just...." "Don't..." "You wait." "Wait." "You stay." "Wait." "Wait for me." "OK." "Ah." "Hi, there." "Hi." "Hi, I'm Dr Macartney." "How are you feeling?" "I need to borrow Dr Todd just for a moment, because it's... it's rather urgent." "Excuse me." " Hi." " What now?" " I need to ask your advice." " Advice about what?" "About whether I should apologise verbally or physically." "Physically?" "Good." "You see?" "Unbiased and instinctive." "Whoa." " I accept your apology." " Good." "Great." "Um, I'd like you to try and get on with this as fast as you can, because we're gonna go away somewhere for the weekend." "OK?" " But-but what about my shift?" " Sorted." "I've got you cover with Dopey Daniel." "OK?" "You are gonna be fine." "Just lose some weight." " Martin." "Erm... er... good luck." " With what?" "Well, with everything." "Your life, your..." "I can't stop now." "I'm in a rush." "All right." "Well, it's good to see you, even though you are on the run, as it were." "Oh, no, no, no." "I'm not on the run, I'm on the..." " Game?" " No, on the..." " Sauce?" " No, no." "I'm on the..." " Pill?" " No!" "I'm on the..." " Blob?" " No, on the... on the..." " Sunny side of the street?" " No, no." "I'm on the... on the... on the..." " holiday." " Oh, holiday." "Oh, right." "Well, have fun." "Yeah, yeah, I will." "I'd better... better go." "I've got a... got a plane to catch." "Mexico, probably, or Puerto Ventura or..." "Nowhere in England." " Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." " Oh, it's you." "Didn't there used to be a yucca here or something?" "No." "Oh." "The weasel is still in its cage." "The weasel is still in its cage." "The weasel is out of the cage." "The weasel is out of the cage." "Fly, pelicans." "Go, go, go." "The weasel is returning to the cage, so pelicans to the kitchen." "Pelicans, go to the kitchen." "The..." "Go to the kitchen." "The kitchen." "It's the bush." "The kitchen is the bush." "Just a minute." "Where?" " There." " Have you said kitchen?" "The kitchen is the..." "Look, we've arranged all of this." "I've only heard bush." "Well, you keep saying bush." "Perhaps..." " Look, we-we worked on this, OK?" "The..." " There's the policeman!" "Act normal." "Kiss me." "No, me." "No..." "No." "I..." "Wait, wait, wait." " Why don't we just go to a motel?" " Oh!" " Good idea." "Lie low." " Come on." " Lie low." " He meant for us to all have sex together." "Good kisser." "Are you saying sex with... with Boyce?" "There's a train coming!" "There's a train!" "A train's coming!" "Yeah, yeah, of course there is, Martin." "This is platform 21." "And I've said no." "What?" "No." "This..." "Look!" "There's a train coming, I promise." "Look." "Look." "Oh, wow." " Oh, wow." " Look, a map." "'Meet me at the station at 6:43." "Wear something special.'" " Christ, I'd better go!" " Martin, I think it's for me." " Are you sure?" " Quite sure." "God." "I knew it was too good to be true." " Hula Hoop." " A Hula Hoop?" "Is that good?" "I think it might turn out to be a very special weekend, Martin." "Yeah, a weekend with lots of snacks, probably." "Special, Martin." "A visit to the Hula Hoop factory!" "Cool!" "Yes!" "Who is it?" "From the day we arrive on the planet" "And blinking, step into the sun" " Which car?" " Doesn't matter." "There's more to be seen" "Than can ever be seen" "More to do than can ever be done" " Get out of the car." "Come on, out." " Why?" "Why should they?" "I haven't got a gun." "Some say, 'Eat or be eaten'" "Some say, 'Live or let live'" "I'm a doc... nurse, and you are..." " I've got to get to the hospital." " We're at the hospital." " Don't get clever with me, punk." " Oh, brilliant." " Get out of the van." " It's a mobile home." "Right, get out of the mobile home, then." "And you, missus, with your..." " Come on, get 'em out." " Get out." "But all are agreed" "As they join the stampede" " Erm..." " Stay there." "You should never take more than you give" "That's my..." "In the circle" "The circle of life" "Come on." "Come on!" "No, I think we've lost them." "Do you think we've lost them?" " Well, they were on foot." " They were upset about losing their van." "They were more upset that you called it a van." "You can slow down." "No!" "No." "What if they... if they jump into a taxi and say, 'Follow that van'?" " They wouldn't say 'van'." " They can eat dust." "I've got this baby between my legs, I've got my foot on the floor, I'll burn some rubbers." "Go on!" "Shut up." "Dr Macartney, what a surprise!" "Although it isn't, cos I followed you." "How are the people of Insania without their queen?" "I left them Post-it notes with instructions." "Would you like to look in my papoose?" "As I warned you, that is sexual harassment." "Can you excuse me?" "Yeah, all right." "Have a look at it later." "There's a gift for you..." "Daddy." "Did you just growl?" "Might have done." "Could have done." "Maybe I did." " OK, decaf, no sugar." " Me." "OK." "Erm..." "Herbal, that's Harriet's." "Er, black, no sugar?" "And that one's three sugars." "That's mine." "So who's this?" "Who has tea, milk, no sugar?" "Oh, well." " Fucking cigarettes!" " Well, it's better than smoking 'em." "Yes, very good." "You've been in the business for a while." "What is the worst thing about this job?" "The worst thing is probably the white coats cos they make me look quite pale." " Seriously." " Seriously, er, bureaucracy." " No." " No?" "Er, lack of adequate funding." "No, I'm thinking of something more specific, more patient-orientated." "Got you." "Smelly patients." "Not exactly." "Suppose you were conducting some routine tests and you stumbled across something significant, something serious?" " Mm-hm." " Something like this." "Er, hm." "Nasty." "I would say that is game over." " Yeah?" " Yes." "That's definitely game over." "Yes." "Still, you've got to face facts, haven't you?" "You've got to be honest." "Yes." "Well, you've got to actually go and tell the patient that he's gonna die, which is..." "I hate that." "I hate it." "Quite." "So." "Bearing that in mind..." "Imagine how I must be feeling right this minute." "Yes." "Yeah, it's very difficult." "I don't actually quite follow what you..." "Whose results are these, anyway?" "Fuck." "Fuck." "And fuck." "I forget I have a first name sometimes." "People always..." "Well, they call me Mac." "I'm so very, very sorry." "Are you OK?" "OK." " May I?" " Of course." "We've explored all the options." "If you need any support..." "Are you OK?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "What's in the box?" "Oh." "That's nice." " They'll look for this vehicle." " No." "There are thousands like this." "Not being driven by a nurse with a moustache." " Nobody knows where we are." " Least of all you." "Come on." "Let's not succumb to feeble-minded panic." "Are we nearly there yet?" "What the fuck are you doing here?" " I stowed away." "I saw you take the van." " Mobile home." " Get rid of him!" " I was worried." " You kept quiet about it." " I nodded off." "Those beds are really comfy." " People will think we kidnapped him." " What do you suggest we do?" " I don't know." "We'll have to kill him." " Oh, typical." "Oh, right." "The penalty for murder's much less than for kidnapping." " Yes, well, we've already killed one pixie." " What?" " Nice work." " He tricked me." " He didn't." " Yes." "He said 'typical'." "He tricked me." "That's a trick word." " For Christ's sake, get a grip!" " Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks." "Rain, spout till you have drenched our steeples and drowned our cocks!" " Give me the wheel." " I'm in charge of the vehicle!" " Liar." " I'm driving..." "Oh, my fucksy, there's a field in the road!" "Get off me!" "Give me the wheel!" "A sheep!" "So tired" "Tired of waiting" "Tired of waiting for you" "So tired" "Tired of waiting" "Tired of waiting for you" "God." " This is just weird." " What?" "Déjà vu." " We're going to have to sit here and wait." " For what?" " Cliff rescue." " Who?" "Oh." "Caroline!" "Mac." "You?" "I thought it was Mac." "No, it's..." "No, it's definitely me." "I wanted to see what I could have had if I'd been a bit more... ginger." "Sad, isn't it?" " A bit, yeah." " Yeah." "Where's Mac?" "Well, he's let me down again, hasn't he?" "Life's just a game." "Bastard." "Well, no, I'm sure he had his reasons." "He's actually not a bastard." "He's, um... he's a really good bloke." " Yes." " What?" "Yes." "Yes to what you asked me earlier." "Really?" "You had a little snog and some touching with another girl when you were at school?" "No, no, no." "Yes to the getting married thing." "Oh." "Oh." " It's hardly prepubescent lesbian fumbling." " No." "Sorry." "That's OK." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "I mean, I shared a bed with Marianne Selby when we were 15 and she rolled over and..." "No, I rolled over and touched her boob, but she was in a pair of pyjamas" " so I don't think it really counts." " No, I meant about the marriage thing." "Oh, oh." "Erm..." "Yes, I'm sure." "There's always been something between us." "I think we both know that." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Did you ever tell Mac?" "No." "It's very easy to lie when you know that you're trusted implicitly." "So very easy and so very degrading." " No, I meant about the lesbian thing." " Oh." "No." "I love you, Dr Todd." " What?" "What?" " Sorry." "Sorry." "It's just I normally do the lunging, so..." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, sorry." " See what I mean?" " Yeah, yeah." " We..." "Why don't we...?" " You go and I'll..." "A is for anus." " B is for bum hole." " Oh, is he off again?" " C is for cunt." " Oh!" "D is for dogs' dicks." "E is for ejaculation." "F is for fuck." "G is for gonads." "H is for..." "Er, yeah." " Oh, quick, quick, quick." " OK." "I hope they've got a buffet." "I'm starving."