"You never know who you're gonna find in the cafeteria at 5AM." "It could be the husband who asked his wife after 36 hours of labour if the screaming was really necessary." "Or the intern that has been on call so many nights in a raw she's actually alucinating." "Hi, I'd like two tickets to "Million dollar baby"." "Or your best friends who have found time between shifts to discuss their marital troubles." "Why can't Carla just let this go?" "Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex girlfriend?" "Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband." "I'm gonna stay at Elliot's for a few more days." "Yeah, I figured as much." "I brought you some things." "Your Slippers." "And..." "Remember that note you put on the toilet to remind me to sit down?" "Looking at it was making me sad." "I wrote this the first time I forgot to look down and fractured my tail bone." " You had a lot of pain." " Yeah." "Keep it together baby." "We'll have brunch on sunday and we will see where we're at." "I wanna be where you're at while we're trying to figure out where we're at." "Think they work out?" "The movie's about to start." "Go home, Cathie." "Where did she get popcorn?" "Maybe it's because we're best friends, but I had a sneaky feeling that Turk was depressed." "I should call her." "Turk, you're not gonna believe this, but I don't know a lot about women." "No, it's true." "But one thing I do know is when a woman wants her space, you give her her space." "My 6th grade girlfriend taught me that." "No Olivia, I won't leave you alone until you explain why you ignored me on the bus." "I hope she's dead." "The point is in the meantime it's important you don't spiral into depression, okay?" "So I'm taking you to a carnival downtown tonight." "What do you say?" "Dude, I can't go to a carnival, it reminds me of Carla." "Why?" "Dude, CARNIVAL." "Remove the NIV, switch the A and L and you get Carla." "Oh my god, he's right." "Thank you so much for let me stay here, Elliot." "Please." "And I still have only one rule." "I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet, and I also cannot talk or be talked to by someone who's on the toilet." "You told me yesterday, Elliot." "I get it." "You say you get it and yet you still manage to knock this morning and ask if I wanted cofee." "Oh, I just thought that" "Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months." "God, this sucks!" "I hate march." "You realise two years ago, this sunday my mum died?" "Plus, last march you got that hideous haircut." "Remember?" "Look, Carla, if it makes you feel any better, I'm sure Turk's just as miserable." "Okay, stop, stop stop stop." "My tummy is starting to rumble." "Faster!" "Oh, I'm gonna hurl!" "Subtitles by nColas, Lilik, Sulina and Eyedol" "Scrubs episode 4x20 My Boss's Free Haircut" "You see a lot of sad things in a hospital." "But nothing's quite as sad as a dermatologist that has just been paged milking it for all it's worth." "Alright everybody, watch your backs." "Skin doctor coming through." "I gotta get somewhere." "You called for a consult?" "Mr Warner, do you see what you've made me do by once again choosing to spend all of your free time out on the surface of the sun, until melanoma has developed." "You've forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from his batne seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices." "Oh god." "I just wanted to look good." "You my friend, look so damned leathery I'm honestly tempted to wrap you around a baseball, cinch you up with a belt and stick you on my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on sunday." "But, since I'm here to heal, not judge," "I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions." "Now find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help you pound some sense of yourself." "The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time you leave the house." "Have a great day." "You look like a purse." "Perry, a word." "Your skin's all messed-up." "Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain about being called fatties, dummies, boozers, loosers, winos, tobos, talkers, smockers and jomokers." "Whatever the hell jomokers means." "I was actually saying jockers and had a cought cake cake in my mouth." "Botton line, unlike my masseuse Freedy, you're not pretty enough to be this rough." "Work on your bedside manner." "Say, Bobbo, when exactly was the last time you treated a patient?" "Now, you listen to me, Bettie." "No mater how long it takes, we're gonna get through this." "Congratulations Bob, they just named you chief of medecine." "Bingo!" "Smell you later, Betty" "Fine, you want me to take a patient, I'll take a patient." "The Bobbotron is actually gonna try to connect with an other human being." "This is so on." " Guys, it's so on." " Awesome" " What's so on?" " Who cares, he refered to me as a guy." "Dude, we stayed up too late." "It was our first annual interratial buddy movie night, we had to." "You know, I'm still pissed that you thought" "Turner  Hooch was an interracial buddy movie." "I didn't know it was Tom Hanks and a dog, okay?" "Don't paint me as a racist just because" "I thought black guy when I heard the name Hooch." "Yeah, J.D., what's up?" "Oh, sorry, Hooch, we were just..." "talking about the movie." "No biggie, happends all the time." "Ok, so it was an honest mistake." "Gotta go." "Too hard." "What is going up with Turk?" "He doesn't even seem bummed out." "I uplifted his spirits." "How did you do that?" "Because Carla is just bottom and out, man." "I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here at work today." "I just came to use bathroom because she keeps violating the rule." "Quiet on the crapper?" "I think she just stores everything up until my cheek's at the seat." "She thinks she's exempted from the rule." "Nobody is exempted from the rule, J.D." "Okay, it's okay." "I'll never talk to you on the crapper." "I can't afford to soundproof my bathroom." "Listen, the way I cheered-up Turk," "I made it all about him." "Find some way to lift Carla's spirits up." "Surprise!" "What's going on?" "We are going to celebrate your mom's death." "I mean your mom's life." "We're gonna celebrate your dead mom's life." "I even got a cake." "Does it say "dead" anywhere on it?" "Not anymore." "Junior, I don't know what you're doing in my area, but you better be looking for some bandages, cause you're gonna need them when I get through with you." "Dr. Kelso." "I didn't recognise you in scrubs." "That's okay, Laverne." "I didn't recognise you without your mini TV and your feed-up." "Real nice outfit there, Bobbo." "Perry, you just go right ahead and say what you want, because Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action and he hasn't missed a step." "Now, where do we keep sick people?" "Hello Miss Goldman, I'm your doctor." "Don't you mean my doctor's great-great-great-grand-father?" " You're old." " Yeah, I got that." "Hey friend!" "I switched shift so we could hang out tonight." "Hell yeah." "There's no beer in the fridge." "You know, we're gonna have to make a stop and pick up some Hooch." "Yeah, Turk?" "Sorry man, I was talking about the beer." " There's no problem buddy." " All right!" "Just seems like you could have said..." ""beer"." "Yeah, it's much more a common word." "My bad." "Won't happend again." ""Won't happend again."" " You knew he was there, didn't you?" " I couldn't help myself." "It's weird, I mean, I want his marriage to work out, but it's nice to have Turk all to myself again." "It's weird, I mean," "I want to follow him down the hall and crack him over the head, but" "I'm so drunk right now, I know I'll collapse if I even move an inch." "... and I am not kidding you." "My mom turns to the guidance counselor, and she says :" "You understood that?" "No, but I know when I'm supposed to laugh in any language." "Okay, you know I was sceptical, but it's been kind of nice reminiscing about my mom." "It's about to get a whole lot nicer." "Hi, sweetie, it's mom." "I just call to tell you how much I love you." "Oh my god." "It's J.D's old answearing machine." "Hi Carla, I sure wish you would call me once in a while." "Hadn't heard that one." "So... what other stories do you have about your mom?" " Carla, it's me again." " Crap, there's batteries." "It seems you never have time for me anymore." "Carla?" "What we are dealing with are venostasis ulceres, most likely because of your weight." "Waouh, you figured out that I'm fat." "You're either a brillant doctor, or every guy I've ever gone highscool with." "Okay, moving on." "From the numbers I'm seeing on your fast and glucose and tryglicerines, I'm suspecting" " Metabolic syndrome?" " Yes." "Now, this condition is not that rare." "One in five people have it." "Stop doing that!" "Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?" "Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972?" "You graduated twelfth of your class in 1968." "She googled your ass." "Laverne, I am not interessed in your street lingo." "What I am interrested in is where she found that magic phone that keeps making me look like an idiot." "Last summer, Turk and I where forced to choose between helping to stem an Hepatitis C outbreak in the inner city or going to a bartending school." "I've always felt we did the right thing." "Especially since I knew Turk needed to blow off some steam before his big meeting with Carla tomorrow." "All right everybody, we your guest bartenders will be here all night." "Oh, you know what?" "Actually, I'm gonna go home and put some thoughs in what I'm gonna say to Carla tomorrow morning." "I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't help it." "It was our last hurrah." "Turk, you know Carla likes it when you speak from your heart." "Improuve that, dawg!" "Stay here and drink." "For Carla!" " Oh, since we're doing it for Carla." " Carla!" "Let's do that!" "My barber told me once "it's important to finish what you've started"." "Of course sometimes, what you've started was clearly the worst idea in the world." "Wasn't this kind of fun?" "It stopped." "Other times, it's a lot harder than you thought." "Damn it, young lady, let me in, this is my hospital." "Hey, Bob?" "What's shaking in "patient's ville"" "Just trying to keep myself from spending all day in there with her." " Such a doll." " Yeah!" "Still, even if you end up with a hangover that would slay a walrus, it's all worth it." "Especially when you know that at this very moment, your best friend is at brunch, saving his marriage." "What time is it?" "Or he missed it." "This was my fault, so I was determined to fix it." "Still, I needed Elliot's help." "So I decided to break the ice first." "Hey, Elliot, do me a favour." "What do you mean, "say Hooch"?" "Oh my God, what?" "I'm a little busy." "I'm sorry, I'm not really sure what's happening right now." "Well of course you're not." "Because in your head, it's all about you, isn't it?" "Well no more." "Say Hooch again, it will be the last thing you ever say." "He was mad, wasn't he?" "Hooch is crasy." "Listen, tell Carla it's my fault because" "I kept Turk out all night and he overslept." "It was J.D.'s fault." "How come Turk hasn't called me?" "Why hasn't Turk called her?" "I wanted to fix it." "He wanted to fix it." "Ask Betty why he's such a girly girl." " Not now." " Do it now, do it now." "Call her Betty." " You're insane." " Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty." " Betty?" " Yeah." "Oh, my god, it worked!" "Ask J.D. when Turk wants to get together." "When does Turk want to get together?" "Look, I'm so sorry about last night, but I already explained to Carla how you overslept." "Now she wants to know when you want to meet up." "I didn't oversleep, I.... decided not to go." "I don't know how she jammed this." "Can you open that door?" "Ok, you made it up here without passing out or vomiting, now just calmly and eleguantly explain that you can't open the door right now, and he'll be on his way." "You open the door?" "Well done." "Are you mocking me?" "Gimme this damned screw driver." "Hello young lady." "I went ahead and set up an appointment for you with our nutritionist." "She's going to help you create a diet and exercice plan so I never have to see you in here again." "Yeah, I'm having a gastric bypass" "But, Mrs Goldman, you're only 25." "And considering that any serious surgery has inherent risks, I really don't think" "How are you not getting this?" "I don't care what you think." "Carla," "I am so sorry about those messages from your mother, but I'm gonna make it up to you." "It's okay, Elliot." "It was really nice hearing my mom's voice again." "I just" "I wish I could talk to her about everything's that's going on." "You know, I'm really not comfortable with this kind of stuff." "Carla, you can totally talk to people once they're gone." "I used to talk to our maid Consuela all the time." "When did she die?" "When I was 11." "At least that's what my dad told me." "I mean I found out after college that he actually had her deported for putting knives in the fork drawer." "You know Elliot, you're a lot more normal than you should be." "Well, you do what you can with what you got." "Holly frick!" "First my parents get divorce, now you and Carla are all messed-up." "What's the common denominator?" "J.D. I should get buisiness cards that say "love destroyer."" "Dude, it's not your fault." "Don't get me wrong, hanging with you these last couple of days has been nice." "Nice?" "It was intoxicating." "You were hanging with the Jay Dizzle." "I'm sure it it felt like some sort of crasy dream." "I don't know, because with the Jay Dizzle, everything's hassle free." "Yeah, like some sort of crazy hassle free dream." "Okay, stop." "Stop." "Maybe that's why I skipped the brunch, now I just can't help thinking :" "mariage shouldn't be this hard." "So, you're my gastric bypass." "You got any questions?" "No, see you on tomorrow." "I'll be the one with the mask on." "That's how easy marriage should be." "I won't be there, but I'm sure it will be nice to operate on you." "What is it Bob?" "When the hell did patients stop respecting us?" "I really tried to help that young woman and she she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail." "Enid was recently paralyzed, I haven't told anyone." "Anyway, I couldn't handle a patient, so go ahead, take your shots." "I want to, Bob." "I really do." "But my first patient today was a snot nose little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said pretty please first." "And I'm just not big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt." "Not even in my private time." "Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you." "When I first started out, I could get this old white coat out, get a free haircut, nice table at the restaurant." "Hell, I never once had a speeding ticket." "People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie, just for doing my job." "Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor." "And I used that to sleep with all those mothers because that's what a housecall used to mean." "Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing days, Bob." "Today, people think of us as drug dispensing, walking lawsuites who are in fact less informed than their internet phones." "So that's what that damned thing was." "I will tell you one thing though." "If you even to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays, you damn sure better speak from your heart." "Thank you Perry." "Blow it out your ass, Bob." " Elliot?" " Yeah." "I spoke to the groundskeeper." "He'll come over as soon as he finishes burying Paul Newman." "Different Paul Newan, I asked." "I'll just wait here with you." "Oh, Carla, go." "I'm fine down here, in this giant, fresh empty grave." "I didn't know what to say to Turk next." "And then it happened." "Sir, the door was open." "I know, I just love doing it." "What now, grandpa?" "You are gonna shut your damned yapper and listen for a change." "Because I've got you pegged, sweatheart." "You want to take the easy way out with this surgery because you're scared." "And you're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame." "But missie, let me break this down for you Bobbo style." "Life is scary." "Get used to it." "And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her." "There are no magical fixes." "It's all up to you." "So get up of your keister, get out of here and go start doing the work." " What if it's too hard?" " Yeah, what if it's too hard?" "Turkelton, I have no idea of why you are chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you." "Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy." "I gotta go." "Okay, here it goes." "Oh, this is so weird." "I don't even know what to say." "Sorry I haven't visited you much." "I've been kind of busy, you know." "That's not true." "Why am I lying to a a slab of granite?" "I just know I really could've used you around this week." "I miss you." "Can you tell her I miss her too?" "You know what?" "Never mind." "Because she wouldn't believe you." "You can never truly capture the past." "That will be $18." "Oh, I'm not paying." "I'm a doctor." "Yeah... we don't do that anymore." "You're paying." "You still have to try, though." "Because as a recently incarcerated doctor once said :" "Nothing worth having comes easy." "So, you're ready to come home?" "I'm trying to get there, Turk." "I'm just not there yet." "All right, you take all the time you need, okay?" "Do you mind sitting here for a little longer?" "Is anybody there?" "Anybody?" "Hello?" "Keep it together, Elliot." "Things could be worse." "Oh dear god." "I'm going to die in a watery grave."