"( theme song playing )" "* *" "HOGAN:" "Are you sure this is the road?" "MAN:" "Yes, I am sure." "We got drunk together." "You know how wine loosens everybody's tongue." "That's right." "I talk a lot when I drink." "Yeah, but all you ever say is, "Who's buying?"" "Ho, ho." "The whole thing is too pat, like a B movie-- running into a Nazi sergeant in a bar who gets loaded, starts spilling highly secret information." "I remember I saw it in a picture once." "Only once?" "You're lucky." "( footsteps approaching )" "It's all right;" "it's Bruenner." "Bruenner, it's me, Albert." "Albert, it has been a long time." "I was talking about you only today to Olga." "Olga-- how is she?" "Fine, fine." "How is Anna?" "Oh, couldn't be better." "And the children are always asking for their Uncle Albert." "Ah, the children must be big now, huh?" "Let me show you some pictures." "I hate to break up this reunion." "Colonel Hogan, what are you doing here?" "I was just going to ask you." "My men and I are waiting for a Nazi truck." "Carrying the shipment of paintings" "Göring liberated from the Louvre?" "Yes." "But that's why we are here." "How'd you find out about it?" "I met a sergeant in the Hofbrau." "He got drunk and told me of the top-secret assignment." "But I met that sergeant at the Rathskeller." "That's where he got drunk." "Wait a minute." "Hold it, hold it." "Did he say they were transporting the paintings by truck because the railroad's been bombed out between here and Berlin?" "That's exactly what he said." "Did he also say they were using an ambulance in order not to arouse suspicion?" "Yes, he said that, too." "All right, the both of you, get your men, get out of here." "But I..." "Don't waste any time; get going." "Hadn't we better be getting out of here, too?" "Hold it." "Stay around for some of the fun." "Fun?" "A truck is coming." "( pops loudly )" "( ambulance pulls away )" "Just as I thought." "Tallyho, men." "Hogan, I was wondering if you were aware of the fact that this is a prison camp." "Well, if it isn't, you wasted a lot of guards and barbed-wire fences." "That's very amusing." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Nothing like a good laugh, is there, sir?" "Look, Hogan, I'm going to get to the point." "This is not a country club." "You and your men are not members; you're prisoners!" "You're leading up to something." "I have been very unhappy with the way you and your men have been falling out at roll call every morning-- always yawning, half asleep." "I won't tolerate it." "At a time like this, you're letting a little trifle like that upset you?" "What do you mean, "at a time like this"?" "Colonel, may I remind you there's a war going on?" "Hogan..." "I mean, just look." "More food rationing in Berlin, longer work week, conscription of more labor volunteers, and you sit here and talk to me about a little thing like a roll call?" "I'm sorry, Hogan." "I didn't..." "Hogan, you're doing it to me again." "I warn you." "All right." "I'll give the fellas a pep talk about falling out in the morning." "Hey, I see you're going to a party, sir." "What?" "I'm going to a party?" "Right here." ""Field Marshal von Leiter is returning to the place where he was born"-- that's our little town right here" ""to attend a giant birthday celebration given in his honor."" "Guest list is over 600." "Huh!" "Well, I guess you'll be getting out the old dress uniform, huh, sir?" "Yes, I suppose I will." "Hmm." "Tomorrow evening, huh?" "Well, you know that from the invitation." "You're not invited." "That's ridiculous." "In a little town like this, how can they invite 600 people and leave me out-- the commandant of the prison camp?" "But they did." "You didn't get an invitation." "I will be invited." "Don't you worry." "It must be in the morning mail." "Mm-hmm." "The invitations always arrive the same day the party's announced... in the papers." "It's standard... procedure." "Maybe it'll be in tomorrow's mail." "You're just trying to cheer me up." "No, I mean it." "You just wait and see." "That could be it." "That must be it." "Yes, that is it." "It will be in the morning mail." "And you let me worry for nothing." "Sorry, sir." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in, come in." "Yes, Schultz, what is it?" "Herr Kommandant, Major Pruhst to see you." "Major Pruhst?" "I never heard of him." "Send him in." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Major Pruhst." "Major Pruhst, how very nice to see you." "How do you know I'm Major Pruhst?" "I didn't know it." "Schultz, didn't you say this was Major Pruhst?" "That's what he told me." "I could have told him anything." "And the guard at the gate..." "He admitted me without looking at my credentials." "Your security here is very slack, Colonel Klink." "How do you know he's Colonel Klink?" "That's right-- you don't know." "Don't worry, I know." "You were born in Leipzig." "Attended the Gymnasium there." "Forty-third in your class." "Worked in your father's store till after your graduation." "Received an appointment to the military academy through your uncle, who was the mayor's barber." "Graduated 95th in your class." "( laughs )" "( stomps foot )" "It was a large class." "What is he doing here?" "Oh, this is Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer." "Hogan, dismissed." "Schultz." "So that is Colonel Hogan?" "You heard of him?" "Yes." "I know all about him." "Born in Ohio." "Graduated from the Aviation Cadets." "Third in his class." "Well, their standards were much lower than ours." "But why are you so interested in him?" "The Gestapo is interested in anyone who is a threat to the state." "KLINK ( over radio ):" "But that man is a prisoner." "He's harmless." "PRUHST:" "What I'm going to tell you is not to leave this room." "You can rely on my discretion." "I don't want your discretion;" "I want your silence." "Shh." "Not a word." "I'm not a talker." "Our records show that this area has the highest rate of sabotage and underground activity." "Really?" "Our little area?" "Oh, that's awful." "Our statistical department has been working round the clock for the past five months sifting information on every known person in this area and relating them to the outrages which have taken place here." "Your people are doing a wonderful job." "We come to a conclusion which we find difficult to believe or explain." "Yes, yes, yes?" "The evidence all points to one man-- your Colonel Hogan." "KLINK:" "That is impossible." "He's a prisoner." "PRUHST:" "But the evidence is overwhelming." "I planted a man here in town to set a trap, spread rumors, but the bird was too smart to take the bait." "With all due respect, Major, I think that's ridiculous." "Are you saying that Colonel Hogan can walk in and out of my prison camp without my knowing about it?" "I got in without your knowing about it." "Try getting out without my knowing about it." "Klink, when the Mannheimer Bridge was blown up two months ago, there was a witness." "He saw the leader in the moonlight." "He saw him very plainly." "His description of that man fits Hogan exactly." "But Hogan is an ordinary-looking man." "KLINK:" "He looks like a lot of people." "Why don't you bring the witness here and identify him?" "I can't!" "When my superiors found out that my suspect was a prisoner of war, they ordered me to drop the case." "Then what are you doing here?" "I don't give up!" "I need to send a picture of Colonel Hogan to the witness in Berlin." "PRUHST:" "And if he can make a positive identification, they will have to listen to me!" "All right, we'll have a picture taken." "Schultz!" "No." "If Hogan is the right man and he becomes suspicious, he will just disappear." "I want to take a picture of him without his knowing it." "How?" "Let me show you." "( clicks )" "So... this is how we do it in the Gestapo." "( shutter clicks )" "Colonel, we just can't sit around and let that clown take your picture." "And show it to a witness who can recognize you." "Gee, you don't seem too worried." "Would it help?" "No." "What's the use of worrying?" "BAKER:" "I'd say you're in a spot, sir." "It's a spot I wouldn't wish on a leopard." "It's a joke, fellas." "Here comes the Bobbsey Twins." "Okay, standard deployment." "Fellas, come here." "Look, from now on, when we fall out for roll call," "I want everybody clean-shaven, hair combed, nails tidy." "Oh, I didn't know we had company." "Oh, that's all right, Hogan." "I'm just showing Major Pruhst around." "You keep on doing what you were doing." "Doesn't sound like a spy to me." "Okay, we're being very well-treated here." "I think it's an insult to our host, Colonel Klink, if we don't, at all times, give a neat and cheerful appearance." "Now... any questions so far?" "LeBEAU:" "I like what you said about us being guests here." "But my mother always taught me that a considerate guest never outstays his welcome." "Don't worry." "You're always welcome." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Now, remember the principles I've outlined are promptness, neatness, and above all, gratitude for all the blessings bestowed upon us." "( shutter clicks )" "Now, I want you guys to get the buckets out and clean those barracks till they shine." "I want you to clean every corner, window, ceiling, everything." "( softly ):" "All right, fellas, that's it." "You're not really going to clean the place up, are you, sir?" "Since when do the guests clean up?" "We'll let our host do it." "You know he got your picture, sir." "Mm-hmm." "How?" "I didn't see a camera." "It was in his glove." "Aren't you going to do anything?" "You just can't wait for him to grab you." "I'll think of something, I hope." "Oh!" "I almost forgot." "I delivered Klink's mail this morning." "This was in it." "I took it out." "It's from a field marshal." "Field Marshal von Leiter, huh?" "Klink did get an invitation." "All right, he's been waiting for it." "Put it in his mail tomorrow morning." "Why is everyone so sad?" "We've been in trouble before." "Sure we have." "Only it's worse this time, isn't it?" "Why?" "Well, I mean, before, we were all in it together." "Now the colonel's in it alone." "Okay, let me have your attention, fellas." "I got it." "Yeah, where is it?" "Right here." "You thought of something." "I knew you would." "You had more confidence than I did." "Well, I'm glad that's settled." "I'm going back to my dream." "I hope she's still there." "Come on!" "Nobody's going to sleep." "We got a lot of work to do." "Baker, go through our files." "Get on the radio." "Get me everything you can on Field Marshal von Leiter." "I don't care how trivial;" "I want it." "And use the code." "Right, sir." "LeBeau, I need a German officer's uniform-- something fancy." "Make me a captain, huh?" "Any special regiment?" "Yeah, make it one that's been to the Eastern Front." "And I won't be likely to run into anyone from that outfit." "Right." "Carter, you still got Klink's invitation?" "Yes, sir, I've got it right here." "Good." "Readdress it to Major Pruhst." "Pruhst." "He's the one guy we want at the field marshal's party." "Here's some more on the field marshal, sir." "Yeah, good." "You know, this von Leiter, for a guy that's been busy all his life, really hasn't done anything." "Well, that's the field-marshal business for you." "Here's some recent photos of his kids, sir." "The boy's about my age;" "girl a little younger, huh?" "Yeah, I put their names on the back." "I'll have more information later." "Good." "( door opens )" "Hey, Louis, that's real sharp, man." "Merci." "Here you are, Colonel." "You're a captain, 15th Corps assigned to headquarters." "Fine." "Is that the fanciest uniform you could get?" "If it was any more fancy, you would be in the ladies' auxiliary." "Here's your mustache, sir." "All right." "Your glasses." "Mm-hmm." "What's going on in Klink's office?" "Nothing." "He and Pruhst are still sitting and staring." "They haven't said a word for two hours." "Maybe they're dead." "Wait a minute." "Klink is going to the phone." "This may be it." "He's giving the phone to Pruhst." "This is it." "PRUHST ( over radio ):" "You're sure?" "There's no mistake?" "Good!" "What did he say?" "The witness says there's no doubt about it." "PRUHST:" "The man in the picture is the man who blew up the bridge." "KLINK:" "I can't understand it." "I thought I knew Hogan so well." "Why did he not confide in me?" "What am I saying?" "I knew it was him." "I knew it was him all along." "I knew it!" "I suppose that deep down I really suspected him." "There's something shifty about him that has always rubbed me the wrong way." "Well, we got him." "We..." ""We"?" "I got him." "It was all me." "Only me." "Well, you got the phone call in my office." "I don't want to do anything tonight to make him suspicious." "In the morning, I'll arrest him and drag him back to Berlin with me." "I can assure you he will be safe here until then." "PRUHST:" "I want a man to keep an eye on him every minute... every..." "Let's go." "You hear?" "Ja, ja." "KLINK:" "Schultz!" "Herr Kommandant." "Come here, Sergeant." "Major." "You see that man there?" "No, I only see Colonel Hogan." "That's who I mean." "Don't take your eyes off him." "If Colonel Hogan is to leave that room for any reason, get a detail and lock him up." "You can depend on me, Major." "No move will escape me." "I will watch him every minute." "Nothing will take me away from the assigned post... until supper." "You will stay here until I dismiss you." "He's still watching." "Okay." "Oh." "Have a nice game." "He's still playing chess, but he's cheating." "He dropped a rook, he bent down, he picked it up and he put it back on another square." "I don't care about the cheating." "Just keep your eye on him." "Jawohl, Major." "Klink, do you know what time it is?" "We're going to be late for the field marshal's party." "You were invited?" "Of course." "Weren't you?" "Well, naturally I was, but I wasn't really planning on going." "Oh, come on." "You don't want to disappoint the field marshal." "I don't even know what I did with the invitation." "You don't need one." "You're with me." "Well, if you insist," "I'll be ready in 45 minutes." "Why should it take you that long?" "Well, you don't want me to go in these rags, do you?" "Okay, how do I look?" "Colonel, you look like a million marks." "I have the funniest feeling, like I'm sending my daughter to her first dance." "Don't worry, Daddy, I'll be home early, and if anybody gets fresh with me," "I'll remember what you told me to do." "( relaxed fox-trot music playing )" "( indistinct conversation )" "Oh, Field Marshal von Leiter, happy birthday, sir!" "How nice to see you again." "Yes, how do you do?" "It's been a long time." "I think 15 years." "That long?" "No, you're right as usual." "It's 12 years." "It was at your daughter's 15th birthday." "Tell me, how is Lisa?" "Oh, she's fine." "She's married and has three children." "Oh, I can't believe it-- little Lisa with three children." "Not so little-- number four is on the way." "(laughter)" "Yes, I can't tell you how many times" "I've thought of the wonderful holidays" "I spent at your summer place in Dintlager." "Yes, I remember the time you said to me," ""Eric Shroffstein, the army is the only career for a young man."" "I see you took my advice." "Advice, sir?" "I thought it was an order." "(chuckles)" "Yes, I'll never forget the hiding you once gave me for riding your favorite horse, Uncle Hans." "What was her name, um..." "Poopsy?" "Poopsy, yes." "Oh, you always were a regular rascal, Eric." "I had to ride standing up for a week." "Yes, and then you told my father about it and he gave me such a thrashing-- another week standing in the saddle." "Tell me, how is your father?" "Oh, I'm afraid he..." "he isn't any better." "I can't tell you how touched he was when you visited him in the hospital." "Oh, it is the least I could do for an old friend." "Look over there." "That's Hogan with a mustache and glasses." "That's hardly a disguise at all." "I've got my man now." "It's disgraceful." "Hmm?" "He was invited, I wasn't." "HOGAN:" "You must remember this was my first safari." "The only rhinoceros I'd ever seen before was in the zoo." "Well, he came charging at me and I took careful aim, pulled the trigger, and nothing happened." "He was still charging." "There was no time to get out of the way, so I took out my saber, sliced him right down the middle and let him pass me on both sides." "Happy birthday, Field Marshal." "Oh, hello, Pruhst." "Happy birthday, Field Marshal." "Do you know Captain Shroffstein?" "I think I do." "Really?" "I don't recall the meeting." "Do you remember me, Captain Shroffstein?" "I can't say that I do." "And yours is a face one doesn't easily forget." "Hogan, you're in deep trouble." "What did you call me?" "It wasn't Captain Shroffstein." "What is going on here?" "Excuse me, sir, but how long have you known this man?" "Eric?" "Why, I've known him all his life." "His father, too." "Poor man is in the hospital." "Are you sure, sir?" "Of course I'm sure." "I visited him there." "Eric grew up with my children, Manfred and Lisa." "When was the last time you saw Captain Shroffstein?" "Some time ago." "I think 12 years, is it not?" "Ja." "12 years is a very long time, Herr Field Marshal." "Do you remember the time Manfred and I got tattooed?" "You were so angry." "I remember it well." "It was a girl with not much on." "Manfred still has his." "He has?" "Do you still have yours, Captain Shroffstein?" "Yes, tattoos are not easy to get rid of." "You should've seen the model." "( both click heels )" "Do you know what I'm thinking, Klink?" "Yes, a remarkable resemblance." "Hogan can't be in two places at the same time." "We must get back to camp right away." "Uh, Field Marshal, I didn't want to miss your birthday, but I do have a staff meeting." "It's very late." "Of course." "I'll tell Manfred and Lisa that I saw you." "I wonder if I might impose upon you to have your chauffeur drive me." "I wouldn't ask, but it's so late." "Certainly, my boy." "Tell the chauffeur to use the siren." "You'll get there faster." "Danke, and a happy birthday." "Thank you." "Oh, such a nice boy, Eric." "I've always liked him." "Klink and Pruhst are on the way." "Colonel." "Newkirk." "( yawns )" "Hey, glad you dropped in." "HOGAN:" "Say... would you sacrifice a rook in this position?" "And where were you tonight, Colonel Hogan?" "I don't know, where was I supposed to be?" "Were you here all evening?" "No, I, uh, I was at Baron von Richthofen's-- one of those informal evenings with World War I aces." "The usual things-- brandy and tall stories." "Hey, the Wright brothers were there." "Roll up your sleeve." "KLINK:" "No!" "The other sleeve." "No, uh..." "no rabbits up my sleeve." "Major Pruhst, may I see you for a moment?" "If there's one thing I know, you cannot get rid of a tattoo in half an hour." "That means there really must be two of them." "The one your witness identified was not Hogan." "But Eric Shroffstein." "We must get back to the party at once." "Ja." "I can't understand that." "Some guys would rather go to a party than watch a chess game." "One more time, Carter!" "He can't hit!" "One more strike and he's out!" "Mind if I go outside the fence and get the ball, sir?" "Hogan, I want to talk to you." "Okay, that's the old ball game, fellas." "I suppose you're wondering what happened last night, huh?" "Matter of fact, I was." "I think this will amuse you." "Major Pruhst thought that you were a spy and that you blew up the Mannheimer Bridge." "( chuckling ):" "That's funny, isn't it?" "You don't think that's funny, huh?" "No, I don't, sir." "You're missing the point, Hogan." "You see..." "You know what I see?" "After all the time you've known me, you actually thought I was a saboteur, a man walking around with dynamite?" "Well, you don't have to put it that way." "You have a very low opinion of me." "It wasn't that way at all." "You know what I think?" "I think you owe me an apology." "Hogan, I..." "All right, I'll apologize." "I accept." "See, no hard feelings." "You know I like you, but I wish you had Captain Shroffstein's sense of humor."