"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap, Jessica found out" "Billy is in love with his teacher." "Mary found out from real Burt that she'd been living with a clone." "Dutch found out Eunice was fooling around with another man, and Eunice found out that Dutch found out when she found oatmeal dumped on her head." "Danny found someone named Polly at the cemetery that he found very nice, and Jessica saw Chester in a hotel with another woman, and she went to find out if it was really him." "Want to find out?" "Stay tuned for this episode of Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap." "We begin this episode shortly after Jessica followed Chester upstairs to his hotel room." "We better get started." "I'm parked in the 20-minute zone." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Who is it?" "Jessica." "Uh, oh, my God." "Hide." "Jessica who?" "It's me, Chester." "Chester who?" "It's Jessica, Chester." "Is it Jessica or Chester?" "Make up your mind." "No, not there." "Chester, it is me, your wife, Jessica Tate." "Oh, Jessica Tate." "Well, I'm on the phone, Jess." "I'll be right with you." "Get down on all fours." "Now, Chester?" "Uh... no." "You're going to be a table." "You're weird, Chester." "JESSICA:" "Chester?" "I'm on the phone, Jess." "All right." "Don't move." "Don't breathe." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Chester!" "[WHISPERS] Don't make any noise." "Ooh!" "Sorry." "Chester, I know you are in there." "You open this door right this minute." "Jess, what brings you here?" "That is my question, Chester." "What brings you here?" "Uh, well, Jess, since I don't have a job," "I have no place to go." "I use this as my office, you see." "I work out of here." "I see." "Chester, I have to go to the bathroom." "Okay." "You mean you don't mind if I go to the bathroom?" "No, I'd rather you go in there than in here." "Looking for something?" "Decorating ideas." "Ahh." "Chester..." "I have a confession to make to you." "I thought that I saw you come up here with another woman, and I followed you." "Oh, gee." "Now, Chester, I am so sorry." "I'm sorry I mistrusted you, but I am glad I came." "Otherwise, Chester, those doubts would've lingered with me forever and ever." "I..." "I'm shocked, Jess." "Shocked... and deeply hurt that you don't trust me..." "I'm sorry, Chester." "But I have promised you, Jess," "I have sworn to you that those days are over." "How much longer are you going to make me pay?" "[SLAPS TABLE]" "How much longer are you going to torture me like this?" "Chester..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Oh, sorry, yes, you're very sorry, Jess." "You're always sorry." "Meanwhile... you watch every little move I make." "You're ready to pounce on every little thing." "What's that?" "It's a new thing." "Italian furniture." "It's moving, Chester." "What is it?" "A sheep." "[ASHTRAY HITS FLOOR]" "I am so glad you have this hotel room, Chester, because you are not coming home." "Hey, Mare." "Burt, what are you doing in here?" "I don't know why they call you in from the waiting room to wait in the examining room." "At least out there," "I can wear my pants and read Sports Illustrated." "I know." "They weigh you and forget about you." "Oh, yeah." "I hate getting a physical." "At least it's only once a year." "You can't even take a nap while you're waiting." "You could roll right off that table, and here, you could lie on the floor and bleed to death." "You've got a better chance of getting medical help on the golf course." "Burt, don't you think you should go back to your room?" "The doctor might be there by now." "No, he's not." "He's on the phone." "I heard." "He's buying the Grand Canyon to build condominiums." "Here, this here." "Look at this over here." "Look at that." "I'm an inch taller on this one." "I grew in the hall." "I'm going home." "Burt." "Mary, please." "I can't stand around all day while he buys Arizona." "Not dressed like this, I can't." "Look at this, will you?" "Pink and blue." "We know what we are." "Maybe they can't tell." "Yeah, I'm going home, Mare." "Come on." "Oh, Burt, come on." "You need a physical." "You've had insomnia." "I think you should find out why." "Mare, I know why." "There's no great mystery why." "I got space lag." "Burt..." "Come on, Mary, please." "There's jet lag..." "There's jet lag, right?" "This is space lag." "It's much worse." "Space lag?" "Oh, doc, fancy seeing you here." "What happened, the stock market close?" "Hi, Burt." "Hi, Mary." "Hi." "Hey, two in one room doesn't reduce the rate, you know, huh?" "Hey, you look wonderful." "Pink." "Well, I might as well start with Mary, huh?" "Go ahead." "I think you should start with Burt." "He's the one with the symptoms." "Symptoms." "What symptoms, Mary?" "Come on, it's nothing." "What, a little insomnia." "Who cares?" "A few more days of adjusting to Earth time..." "I'll be tip-top." "Earth time?" "Yeah, Earth time..." "You see, there were these space men, and I went with them up on their spaceship, and I got a real bad case of space lag, that's all." "Hey, I've flown to Cincinnati and been a zombie." "When I travel with space men," "I have a terrible time sleeping." "There, you see that?" "I also can't eat their food." "[LAUGHING]" "Tell me about it." "It's cocktail food." "[LAUGHING LOUDER]" "Yeah, I lost six pounds." "[LAUGHS]" "Burt, you're crazy." "You're one funny guy." "We have the same sense of humor." "You do." "Yeah, that's really funny there." "All right, okay." "Oh, all right." "You first, huh, you first." "Okay, okay." "Burt, Burt, while you're waiting," "Florence will come in and take some blood." "Is she the one that always misses the vein?" "Florence?" "Because you got one out there that's blind." "You don't have to worry." "Florence is very good." "Oh, and after she's done, you might try to fill the little plastic cup..." "Oh, I hate that." "No, I hate that." "I can't do it." "Sure you can." "I can't do it." "I'm terrible under pressure." "Turn on the water." "It'll inspire you." "Turn on the water." "Beer." "A couple of beers will do it." "That's all you need, a couple of beers, you got no problem." "You want me?" "I'll be around the corner in the bar." "Hi." "Hey, Danny, you hungry?" "No." "Oh, Danny, what's the matter?" "You look terrible." "I got a problem, Burt." "Well, that's what I'm here for." "Let me have it." "I met this girl, and I'm going crazy because I don't know how to get in touch with her." "Where'd you meet her?" "In a cemetery." "You pick up girls in the cemetery?" "It's a long story." "It's crazy." "The world is overflowing with discos." "He goes to a cemetery." "I was there visiting Elaine's grave, and she was there visiting her husband's grave, and we started talking." "Sounds romantic." "[SIGHS]" "Not really, and like a jerk," "I forgot to ask for her phone number." "Come on, you don't just waltz up to somebody who's in mourning and say," ""Excuse me, but when you're finished talking" ""to your dearly departed, would you slip me your phone number?"" "Well, then, what should I do, Burt?" "Danny, come on." "Think, think, think." "She was talking to her husband's grave... right?" "Yeah, so?" "So, on the stone, there is information." "Burt, they don't put phone numbers on people's graves." "No, Danny, Danny, the name, the name." "There's a name on the stone." "The name, of course!" "There was a name." "You're a genius, Burt." "All right." "All right." "Now, think, now." "What was his name?" "Peter." "Terrific." "Call every Peter in Connecticut." "If one doesn't answer, that's him." "Peter and Polly..." "Mr. and Mrs. Peter..." "[GROANS]" "Damn, it's right on the tip of my tongue." "You know, it's funny you should mention cemeteries, because I've had this cemetery idea kicking around in my head here, and I just..." "You know, we're running out of cemetery space." "Now, what if we took a state that nobody hardly ever uses, like North Dakota." "We knock down the mountains..." "whew, we got a gigantic cemetery." "I can almost see it." "Pete." ""Here lies Peter..."" "Even better than that, listen to this one here:" "high-rise cemeteries." "Peter and Polly..." "Everybody gets a drawer." "It'll look like one huge filing cabinet." "Of course, we've got to be very tasteful about it." "Here, just figure." "See this, now." "This is Mr. A's slot, right?" "Voop, toom." "His wife..." "Their cousin Al..." "The twins..." "And old Uncle Harvey." "Dawson!" "And the Dawsons." "What the hell?" "It's a gold mine." "Polly Dawson." "Dawson." "That's the name." "Hi." "Hey, Jodie." "I left Wendy with Corinne for the day just so I could get away." "Uh, Burt?" "Yeah?" "Are you you, or are you him?" "No, that's right." "No, it's all over now." "I'm me." "There's nothing, no problem." "I'm me." "How can I be sure?" "Jodie, please." "Come on, prove it." "Your mother's maiden name was Gatling." "Not good enough." "Corinne Tate was adopted." "Nothing." "You went to your junior prom with Mike Finnegan." "Hiya, Burt." "All right." "Dawson." "Dawson, Peter." "There's two columns of Peter Dawson." "Who's he looking for?" "Peter Dawson." "Who's that?" "Some dead guy." "He wants to date his wife." "That's playing it safe." "Hello." "Hello, yeah, are you Peter Dawson?" "Oh." "Oh, you're alive, then, is that it?" "He's alive." "There goes the weekend." "Oh, listen, one more question." "What color are you?" "Hello?" "Hello?" ""What color are you?"" "You ask a man if he's dead, then you ask him what color he is?" "Come on, forget it, will you, Burt?" "It's nothing." "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "What color are you?" "This woman, this woman, what...?" "Is what, black?" "Yeah, what of it?" "A black woman?" "I don't see anything wrong with it." "Of course not, you date guys." "I mean, what's a black lady next to that?" "Nothing." "You could walk in here with a goat," "I wouldn't blink." "First he marries a gangster's daughter, now he's in love with a black widow." "I never thought I'd hear you talk like this, Burt." "Talk like what?" "Just because" "I don't want him to hurt himself?" "That's not what you said, Dad." "Danny, that's the only reason I said anything here." "Wait a minute, you under..." "Danny." "This has nothing to do with black people." "I just don't want you to complicate your life." "Come on, it's complicated enough." "Listen, Burt." "Yesterday was the first time" "I enjoyed being with somebody since Elaine, and I'm gonna find out why, so you can either help me or leave me alone." "All right, Danny." "All right, all right, all right." "All right, we'll help." "Come on, sit." "Come on, sit." "Tell us what you want us to do." "All right." "I figure if we hang out in the cemetery long enough, she's bound to come back to visit her husband, and when she does, we got her." "So you want us to hang out in the cemetery." "Yeah." "Now, we'll break it up into shifts." "I'll take the mornings." "Jodie, you take the afternoons, and Burt, you take the night shift." "I really appreciate this." "Come on, Jodie." "Okay." "All night... by myself in a cemetery." "I hate cemeteries." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Yes?" "Hello." "Hello." "May I come in?" "Of course." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, what little desks." "Oh, when I was in school, desks were much bigger, but of course, then, I was much smaller, which is probably why the desks were much bigger, so just forget I said that." "All right." "May I help you?" "No, thank you." "I'll just wait." "Who are you waiting for?" "The teacher." "Oh." "Are you staying after school?" "No, I'm Mrs. Walker." "You're married?" "Oh, my goodness." "Well, I mean, not that I should judge." "In India, they get married when they're freshmen." "In India, and occasionally Tennessee." "No, I mean, I'm the teacher." "Oh." "Oh my... and you're married?" "Divorced." "Who are you?" "I'm Jessica Tate, Billy's mother." "Oh." "Oh, my." "You see, I thought it would be nice if we finally met one another." "It's, uh, very nice to meet you." "Well, it's very nice to meet you too." "You certainly don't look like a teacher." "What are you thinking?" "I was thinking about what you must be thinking." "Well, I don't know what I'm thinking, so I have no idea what you think I'm thinking." "I think you're thinking that I must be a little weird." "Yes." "Well, because..." "Billy's a student, and I'm his teacher, and he is younger, and I'm older..." "That had occurred to me." "I do care about him, Mrs. Tate." "He's very special." "I know... and sensitive, and I just don't want Billy to be hurt." "I mean, suppose some good-looking hygiene teacher started hanging around you." "I mean, not that I think you're flighty or anything, but you do see my point." "Well, yes, but what if Billy falls for some cheerleader?" "Then who gets hurt?" "You see, I could be hurt just as easily." "Well, I guess maybe we should just lay back and see what happens." "Actually, I should do the laying back, and you should just do the seeing." "It's a deal." "Well, I guess I'd better be going now." "Oh, me too." "I've got a meeting with the history department in five minutes." "So I'll just go." "Okay." "Yes?" "May I be excused?" "Yes, I'm sorry." "Thank you." "Oh, bye-bye." "Wow, I don't know what to say." "This is beautiful." "Yeah, Bob picked it out." "Well, it's terrific." "Ducks go, "quack," and cows go, "moo,"" "and dogs go, "woof," and I wuve you, little Wendy-Wendy- Wendy-Wendy." "Ooh, ooh." "Chuck, I have never seen him like this." "I didn't know there was someone he actually liked." "Oh, I love babies." "They're short." "Soon as they can talk back," "I can't stand them." "Chicks go "cluck," and cats go "meow,"" "and do I love you?" "Wow, and how, little Wendy-Wendy- Wendy-Wendy." "[CHUCKLES]" "Hey, listen, Jodie, if you ever need a babysitter," "I'm available." "Hey." "Hey, that's... not such a good idea." "Oh, no, he's really very good, actually." "Oh, I'm sure he is." "Listen, Jodie," "I know that you're a worried new father, but it's no big thing." "I mean, just call every half-hour or so." "And he'd answer the phone?" "Unless I'm changing the baby." "Well, I'll think about it, okay?" "Why don't you wash up and we'll have lunch?" "Okay, I'll be out in a second." "I'll go with you." "Hey, what is it with you?" "Can't I ever go by myself?" "Bob." "What, do you think I can't handle it or something?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Yes?" "Mr. Dallas?" "Yes." "I'm Harlen Wisser." "Yes?" "From the Child Welfare Department." "Yeah?" "May I come in?" "Well, I don't know yet." "What's on your mind?" "Well, we received a call stating that you had an infant in your apartment." "So?" "Well, sir, we also received a complaint." "From who?" "It's a little difficult to discuss in the hallway." "Thank you." "Hmm." "Hmm?" "What does "hmm" mean?" "Someone in the area called our offices and told us that a single young male homosexual was keeping a baby in this apartment." "Are you he?" "I happen to have a baby here, yes." "Right over there, as a matter of fact." "He looks pale." "He's a she, and so do you." "Mr. Dallas, please don't make this any harder than it already is." "How am I making it hard?" "You walked in here." "I did not come to you." "Are you a practicing homosexual?" "I don't have to practice." "I'm very good at it." "Where is the mother?" "I have no idea." "Listen, who made the complaint?" "That's not important." "Well, I'd hate to punch the wrong nose." "Oh, easily provoked to violence." "Listen, you're beginning to get on my nerves." "I am the baby's father, and I'm a good father, and you're... a very interesting man." "I'd love to go on talking with you, but it's time to feed my child, so excuse me..." "Mr. Dallas, a very serious complaint has been made against you, and if this child is indeed in any danger," "I'm afraid we are going to have to take certain measures." "Hey... my social life and my child have nothing to do with each other." "My life is my child." "Now, listen, I don't drink." "I don't smoke." "I don't do drugs." "I don't have wild parties here." "I don't even like to dance." "I'm a responsible parent who's trying to bring up his little girl in the most wholesome atmosphere possible, and the friends that I have are equally responsible, wholesome, dependable, sane individuals." "I can't believe this." "Will you look at this, you idiot?" "Bob, it was a mistake." "You'll dry." "Oh, gee..." "Guys?" "Jodie, he washed his hands." "Well, you're supposed to wash your hands afterwards." "Yeah, well, you're supposed to put me down first, you moron." "Now it's gonna shrink like crazy." "In a half an hour," "I won't even be able to breathe." "Hi there." "Hey, who's the limp?" "Is he one of your tricks?" "They're working on a new act." "That man is arguing with a doll." "Homosexuals and puppets?" "What kind of a place is this?" "Listen... this conversation is over." "You're touching me, young man." "Yeah, you were not invited in, and now you will be invited out." "You might be in big trouble, fella." "Get out!" "Hey, way to go, Jodie." "Yeah." "I'm in big trouble, Chuck." "I'm in big trouble." "I shouldn't have done that." "That was really dumb." "Oh, come on, Jodie." "I mean, what can he possibly do?" "They can't take Wendy away from me." "I'll get character references." "Hey, hey, no problem." "Yeah, you got Danny." "Don't forget Burt and Mary." "Yeah, and Uncle Chester." "Aunt Jessica." "Chuck." "Bob." "Dutch and Eunice..." "Corinne." "And don't forget the Major." "I'm in big trouble." "ANNOUNCER:" "Is Burt's insomnia really space lag, or has he just been making up for lost time?" "Now that Jessica has met Leslie, does "teacher's pet" have new meaning?" "Will Danny find Polly, and if he does, what will he do?" "Now that Jessica has caught Chester and told him he can't come home, what will he do?" "How will he change his underwear?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"