"Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will just follow me, please." "Watch your step on that cable." "Follow the center red line." "Try to stay together." "Gather round me, please." "This is the studio where we shoot The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson." "Did you hear that?" "This is where they shoot The Tonight Show." "I like that." "I like where that fella says, "Here's Johnny!"" "What are you looking at?" "That's what he says every night." "Ed McMahon says, "Here's Johnny!"" "Would you stop embarrassing me?" "I can't take you no place." "I'll tell you where you can take me." "You can take me home." "You're the one that's been bugging me for the last month... to take you on a tour of a television station." "And you spoiling it for me." "What am I doing?" "You're talking too much and embarrassing me." "That's what you're doing, and I want you to quit it." " What I said aboutJohnny Carson?" " That's right." "Well, that's what Ed McMahon says every night on The Tonight Show..." ""Here's Johnny!"" "Would you stop it?" "And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will follow me, please..." "I will take you out to the stars' parking lot." " Oh, good." "All right." " Did you hear that?" "The stars' parking lot." "I bet that's where the stars park their cars." "That's terrific, Pop." "I guess you figured that out all by yourself." "If you had your own television show, your announcer would say..." ""Here's Dummy!"" "Please watch your step." "We are approaching the stars' parking lot." "Come all the way down here, please." "Now over there in the first space... is where Flip Wilson parks his car." "Flip Wilson?" "Flip Wilson parks his car right here?" "Yes, sir." "That must be Flip Wilson's oil." "What are you doing?" "I'm getting a little souvenir so I can show the fellas in the neighborhood." "I'll show 'em this handkerchief and say, "This is Flip Wilson's oil. "" "Would you get back over here?" "I'm sorry about the interruption." "And the space over here is whereJohnny Carson parks his car." ""Here's Johnny's car!"" "Why don't you knock it off?" "The car over here belongs to one of the guests... appearing on Johnny's show tonight..." "Lena Horne." "Lena Horne!" "Wait a minute!" "Lena Horne!" " Did you say Lena Horne?" " That's right." "Lena Horne's somewhere in this building right now?" "That's correct, sir." "And now, ladies and gentlemen..." "Wait a minute." "Look." "The Lena Horne?" "I mean, the real Lena Horne?" "Yes, sir, that's the one." "And now, folks, if you'll just follow me, please..." "I will show you the NBC Commissary." "Did you hear that?" "Do you know who's in this building now?" "The Horne." "I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna be around you no more." "You've embarrassed me for the last time today." "That's it." "That's her name, and that's her door." "Five minutes, Miss Horne." "Miss Horne?" "Anyone here?" "Lena's mirror." "Last time Lena Horne looked in this mirror... her face was right there where mine is now." "Lena's negligee." "Lena's body was in there." "Lena's brush and Lena's powder puff." "What are you doing in my dressing room?" "It's her!" "It's you!" "Oh!" "Oh, it's the big one!" "You hear that, Elizabeth?" "I'm coming to join ya, honey... with Lena's puff in my hand." "What is the matter with you?" "Hey, wait a minute." "Drink some water." "I didn't mean to startle you, but what are you doing in my dressing room?" "Right now I'm having a heart attack." " Shall I call a doctor?" " No." "It'll go away, then I'll leave." "But what..." "Why are you in here?" "Do you work here?" "Are you with NBC?" " Yeah, I'm with NBC." " Well, what do you do?" "I'm an announcer." " You what?" "You're an announcer?" " You don't believe me?" "No." "I don't mean to laugh at you, but I don't see you as an announcer." "I'm right in the middle of a rehearsal for a show, so I must get back." "Well, then I'll tell you the truth." "See, Miss Horne, I'm a fan of yours." " I mean, a real big fan." " Well, thank you." "Thank you very much." "I saw your movie Stormy Weather 38 times." "You're joking." "You mean to tell me you paid to see Stormy Weather 38 times?" "No, I only paid once." "I went in on a Saturday and came out on a Wednesday." "But see, that's not the real reason I came." "The real reason I came is because I promised my son I would try to see you." "You came here for your son?" "Well, I don't quite understand you." "What does that mean?" "Well, you don't wanna hear." "Well, all right." "If you don't wanna talk about it." "But if you wanna hear it, I'll tell you." " All right." " You sure you wanna hear about this?" " Really, I am in a big hurry." " Okay, then I'll tell you." "See, my son is a big fan of yours too." "And his mother used to sing "Stormy Weather" when he was a baby." "Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky" " I remember the song." " Do you?" ""Stormy Weather. " Now the only time he hears her singing is in his dreams... because she passed away." "Oh, I am sorry." "But why didn't you bring him with you to see me?" "Well, ever since..." "ever since that happened... little Lamont hasn't been the same." "Well, what's wrong with him?" "What's wrong with him?" "Well... what's wrong is..." "I don't know where to start." "Doesn't he go to school?" "Not anymore." "He's a drop-in." "You mean he's a dropout." "No, a drop-in." "He dropped in a few times and just quit." "Well, tell me, why is he so interested in me?" "Well, like I said, his mother used to sing "Stormy Weather" to him... and the only other person who could sing "Stormy Weather" like his mother is you." "So I guess he sort of looks on you like a substitute mother." " Me?" "Oh." " Yeah." "This morning, you know, when he woke up... he looked up at me with those big brown eyes... and he said, "Daddy, you gonna see Lena Horne today?"" "He said that so cute." "He said, "If you see her, would you tell her I love her?"" "Oh." "What a shame that you couldn't have brought him here with you." "Well, the reason I can't..." " Can't you bring him here with you?" " No, he's..." "I can't explain it." " He's not lame, is he?" " Lame?" "Yeah, that's what he is, lame." "Oh, I am sorry." "I'm so..." "Do you think he'd like my picture?" "Oh, that'd be so nice." "Here's one already signed." "Oh, this is really nice." "It's gonna really help." "See, in the morning when little Lamont wakes up..." "I can hold this picture on the other side of the room... and he can crawl out the bed to it." " I do have to get back to rehearsal." " I'm leaving." "And thank you very much for coming by, Mister..." "Sanford." "That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period." " Mr. Sanford." "Nice to meet you." " Yeah." " Thank you so much." " Listen." "Tell little Lamont I said hello." "Yeah, and there's one other thing I promised him that I would ask you." " Yeah?" " I couldn't." "Oh, but what is it?" " I can't." " Well, all right." "Good-bye now." "Yes, I can." "You see, this morning, little Lamont... sat up in the bed, he said, "Daddy, can you bring Lena Horne to see me?"" "Oh, that's impossible." "I just can't do it." "You understand that." "I understand." "Big star like you got a lot more important things to do... than visit little lame boys." "Mr. Sanford, that's not what it is." "Well, look." "First of all I've got to do this show." "Then, I'm going to do a benefit for Operation Headstart up in San Francisco." "So that means I've got to get right to the airport immediately." "Airport?" "Well, my place is right out near the airport." "In fact, we so close, when planes fly over, we can see what movie's playing." "I'm sorry." "I can't manage it." "As it is, I'm going to be in a terrible hurry." "I promised little Lamont that I would give you the message... so I'm giving you the message." "Miss Horne, Lamont Sanford loves ya." "Little lame Lamont." "Oh, wait a minute." "I'll come to your house." " I'll come." "Yes." "Yes." " You will?" "You're not kidding me." " You're not just saying this." " No, but listen, only for a minute." "Just put your address right here." "I'll try to get there about 8:00." "Will little Lamont still be awake?" "If you're coming over, I'll see to it that he is." "If you break your promise, you'll break his heart." " No, I promise." " Thank you so much and for the picture." "And thank you for saving my little boy." "I really appreciate it." "Where were you?" "I've been looking for you for the last three hours." "Where was I?" "Where were you?" "You just took off with them people, left me standing there." "That's the last time I'm taking you anywhere." "Well, I'm glad you went off and left me... 'cause the greatest thing happened, ever happened in my life." " I'll bet." " I ain't kiddin' ya." "You remember when they took us to show us whereJohnny Carson parked his car?" " Yeah." " "Here's Johnny!"" "Are you gonna start that again?" "Right after you left, guess who I met." " Johnny Carson." " No, no, no." "A she." "The first lady of my dreams." "Pat Nixon." "If you're gonna be kidding around, I'll just go on and tell you." "You ready?" "Lena Horne." "You met Lena Horne?" "Pop, have you been in the applejack again?" "No, I met Lena Horne, and not only that, she's coming here tonight." "What did you say?" "You heard me." "Lena Horne is coming here tonight." " You don't believe me?" " Oh, I believe you." "She's coming here accompanied by Duke Ellington's band... theJackson Five and Chubby Checker." "Hi." "Remember me?" "I know who that is." "Yeah, me too, it's Lena." "She couldn't wait to get here." "Hello, Lamont." "Hey, Luther." "What you all doing here?" "Fred told us all to come over." "Yeah, come on in and have a little sit-down." "Get that chair against the wall, Billy." "Come on in, Arthur." " Sit down there." " What are you starting here?" "A Gray Panther party?" "Listen, if you don't wanna stay, you can leave." "I done rounded up everybody who was in the poolroom... and brought 'em here like you asked me to." " What's this all about?" " Yeah, what's going on?" "It better be important." "It was my shot." "I thought you fellas might wanna hear about my tour of NBC today." "See here?" "Look at that stain." "That's Flip Wilson's oil." "Fred, I know you ain't brought us all the way over here from the poolroom... to show us Flip Wilson's oil." "No, I got some oil from Flip Wilson's car, and I met Lena Horne." " You met Lena Horne?" " You don't believe me?" " Who is that?" " That's Lena Horne." "Wait a minute." "Where'd you get that picture?" "Lena gave it to me." "You see it's signed." "That's a rubber stamp." "You probably bought that picture someplace." "You got about as close to Lena Horne as you got to Flip Wilson." "Well, I guess she'll have to tell you herself when she gets here tonight." "Lena Horne is coming here tonight?" "Hey, Fred must have drank some of Flip Wilson's oil." "I wouldn't mind having a bit myself." " I'll have a little taste." " Yeah, give me a nip." " I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." " What?" "You don't believe she's gonna be here." "Wanna bet?" " Put your money where your mouth is." " Put up or shut up." "Put your mouth on the floor." "I mean, money." " You got a bet." " I'm in." " How much?" " Fifteen dollars apiece." " It's a bet." " Fifteen bucks." " Wait a minute." "What are you doing?" " Stay out of this." "Fellas, when you get here tonight, make sure you bring your money." "Oh, we're gonna bring ours." "You just make sure you got yours, hear?" "One other thing." "When you get here tonight... hide outside and look through the window." "Nobody gonna be lookin' through no window." " Why can't we come in?" " You got to stay outside." "Wait a minute." "I don't believe Lena Horne is coming here tonight or ever." "But just in case she does, why can't we all be here?" "Tell her we're having a meeting." "No, listen." "If Lena Horne came here and saw you guys... she wouldn't think it was no meeting, she'd think it was a mugging." "Outside!" " We'll be back, hear?" " All right." " What's the matter?" " You flipped." " You've flipped making a bet like that." " So I flipped." "You can go upstairs and stay in your room when Lena Horne comes." "Don't bother to come down." "You want her all to yourself?" "Just the two of you." "That's right." "That's right." "A man and his Horne." "Gimme that picture." "Would you listen to me, Pop?" "Now even if you did meet Lena Horne today... and even if she said she was coming here tonight..." " she said it to get rid of you." " What do you mean?" "Do you know how many people come up to her and ask for favors?" "It happens all the time." "If she told you she was coming here tonight... it's just to get you out of her hair." " And you believed her." " Yeah, I believed her." "Sure I believe her." "You wouldn't do that to me, would you, Lena?" "You would never do that to me." "You know, kill my chances of making 75 bucks." "Hello, NBC?" "I'd like to speak to Miss Lena Horne." "Thank you." "Lena wouldn't lie to me." "Lena couldn't lie to me." "Lena would never lie to me." "Why'd you lie to me, Lena?" "Hello." "What?" "Yeah, I know she's going to the airport... but did she say she's gonna stop anywhere else on the way?" "She never said anything at all about stopping anywhere else?" "Straight to the airport." "Oh, yeah." "Okay." "Thank you." ""Sincerely. " I bet that is a rubber stamp." " Hello, son." "Where you been?" " Where do you think?" "I was at the poolroom trying to talk them dudes out of that ridiculous bet." " And?" " I couldn't." "You don't still think she's gonna show up, do you, Pop?" "She said she was gonna be here." "Honest." "I ain't lying'." "What time did she say she was coming?" " 8:00." " Pop, it's 8:15 now." "She ain't gonna show up, is she?" "What am I gonna do?" "I should make you stay here and face them guys and pay up." "You know I ain't got no 75 bucks." "We'd better get outta here and go to a movie." " When they get here, we'll be gone." " That's a good idea." "There's a movie down at the Paradise Theater that I think you oughta see." " What's the name of it?" " SnowJob." "I'm going upstairs." "There goes Lena." "Fellas are here already." " Are you Fred Sanford?" " Yeah." "Excuse me a moment." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Please, please, don't have another heart attack." " I didn't expect you." " But I told you I'd be here." " Didn't you believe me?" " Yeah, but, I just didn't..." " Are you all right now?" " Yeah, I'm okay now." "You know something." "You oughta do something about those heart attacks." "I am." "I'm saving up for a heart transplant." "Anyway, I've got to get that plane, so where's little Lamont?" "Who?" "Oh, yeah." "He's upstairs." "Shh!" " Oh, is he asleep?" " Yeah, he just went to sleep." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I could have helped put him into his jammies." "Yeah, he would have liked that." "Hey, Pop!" "I think we'd better get outta here!" "Pop?" "Did he say, "Pop"?" "Is that little Lamont?" "Oh!" "I think I'm having one, Pop." "My very first one." "And it's a big one!" "You hear that, Mom?" "Your little boy's coming to join you." "With a mustache!" "Lamont, Lamont, this is Lena Horne." " I know." " This is little Lamont?" " What?" " Little lame Lamont?" "What is this story you told me, Mr. Sanford?" "I thought you had a little son." "I do." "He'll always be my little son." "Well, of all the low-down, rotten tricks." "Getting me out here by telling me you have a little boy who was lame." " Lame?" " You oughta be ashamed of yourself." "You don't have to be lame in the leg." "You can be lame somewhere else." " You told her I was lame?" " "Lame. " That's what he said." "After I told you where I had to go and why I was in a hurry." "And now I'm gonna miss my plane, and it's all your fault." "Well, all I'm gonna say to you is thank you very much." " Lena Horne!" " Yeah!" " It's really Lena!" " It's her all over!" "Who are these, little Lamont's little playmates?" "Fred, that is Lena Horne." "Man, you wasn't jivin'." " You really did it." " I knew her right away." "Well, good night, fellas." "Miss Horne has gotta get her plane." "Now wait a minute." "You won the bet." "We owe you 15 bucks apiece." "I got the money right here for all of us." "Yeah, a bet's a bet now." "Bet?" "Did you say a bet?" "Fred bet us 15 bucks apiece he could get you to come to his house tonight... and son of a gun if he didn't do it." " You low-down, rotten, lying', jivin'..." " Wait!" "Wait!" "You gotta let me explain." "See, let me explain." "When you told me you had to fly to San Francisco... to do a benefit for Operation Headstart..." "I got to thinking I got some friends that might want to make a donation." "So to make sure they all had money when they got here, that's why I bet 'em." "And here's all the money right now with our compliments." "Where's your 15, Pop?" " Is this for real?" "Really real?" " Yeah." "It's real." "Don't you love it?" "Oh, what can I say?" "This is wonderful." "Thank you very much." "Wait a minute, Miss Horne." "Here's my 15!" "Say, Pop, aren't you coming to bed?" " Hey, aren't you coming to bed?" " Huh?" "She was here." " She kissed me." " I know, Pop." "I was kissed by the Horne." "Listen, Pop." "You gotta get some sleep." "She was in this house." "She was standing right there where you are." "And she gave me one across the lips." "I know, Pop." "Come on." "Let's go to bed now." " She was right here in this house." " I know that, Pop, but she's gone now." "Yeah, she's gone... but she was here." "I don't know why there ain't no sun up in the sky" "Stormy weather" "Sanford and Son was recorded on tape before a live studio audience."