"I don't know, Debra." "We went to Marco's last night." "Amy says, "l must've had everything on this menu 100 times."" "What do you think?" "Maybe Amy's trying to tell you she'd like to go someplace else." " And with someone else." " Ray..." "You gotta read between the lines." " Hey..." " Hey, Andy." "Oh, I told you we should spray." "How you doing, Andy?" "You look like you're losing weight." "Nah!" "I just gave up tucking in my shirt." "You here to tell everybody your big news?" "Andy got a new job booking guests on a national radio show." "Oh, congratulations, Andy." "Wow... this proves it." "The ladies like guys with jobs." "Whose show is it?" "Jerry Musso, big sports radio guy." "I've heard Jerry Musso." "Never cared for him." "Nobody asked you." "It's a good opportunity for Andy, and I told him that I would do the show." "You know, throw him a bone." "Actually, Ray, that's what I came over to tell you." "I'm afraid I have to... return your bone." "What do you mean?" "I'm not gonna be able to book you on the show." "Why not?" "Jerry Musso doesn't like you." "Doesn't like me?" "What station is he going to be on?" "Doesn't like me-- what did he say?" "What were his exact words?" "I didn't hear from him. I was going over my list with the executive producer, and he saw your name, and he goes," ""Oh, Jerry's never gonna go for this." "He doesn't like Ray Barone."" "Maybe he's confusing Ray with somebody else." "That's what I thought." "So I submitted your name anyway." "And still, it came back" ""No." "No way." "Jerry hates Ray Barone."" ""Hates"?" "It says, "hates."" "Where do you go to get stuff framed?" "Hates me?" "Jerry Musso hates me?" "I'm sure he didn't mean "hates."" "It's in writing!" "Andy, come on, just tell me the truth." "Does Jerry Musso hate me?" "I don't know." "I wasn't the one who talked to him." "Well, ask him." "Oh, no." "Look, I just got this job." "Why would I wanna associate myself with the man my boss hates?" " Hates me." " Hates you." "Really?" "Hates" "Hates... you." "Hates you. I'm sorry." "I don't even know the guy." "I never even met him." "Did you write something bad about him?" "No. I've never written about him at all." "Maybe that's why he hates you." "Come on, why would he care if he was in Ray's column?" "What?" "No. lt's just that, it's not like it's, you know, the front page." "I mean, people read your column for... you know, fun." "It's just a funny little... it's funny." " You hate my writing." " No!" "No. I'm supporting you." "Your writing is... wow." "Yeah, okay, thank you." "That's enough support." "Why the hell would this guy hate me?" "I don't know." "Did you sleep with his wife or something?" "What?" "Slept with his wife..." "Oh, what, now I'm not attractive enough to sleep with his wife?" "You're very attractive." "Just not to anyone else." "Did you sleep with his wife?" "If I did, she would like it." "I know, honey." "You could sleep with all the wives in the world if you wanted to." "You're super hot." "What are you laughing at?" "It kills you that somebody hates you." "Hey, why don't you just call him up?" "Oh, can't call somebody up that hates me." "Hey, maybe back in the old country, your great-grandfather killed Jerry Musso's great-grandfather and their family swore vengeance." "But now he feels the gypsy curse that produced your nose was not sufficient." "Frank, turn off that damn television and get in here." "I'm gonna throw this lasagna in the garbage!" "Oh, hello, dear." "We were just sitting down to dinner." "Would you like some?" "No no no. I just came to give you your big spoon back." "You're not hungry?" "What's the matter?" "You don't look so good." "No, I'm fine, Ma." "No, you look terrible." "You better eat something." "Let's go. I've got two minutes till the commercial's over." "Frank, doesn't Raymond look all worn out and tired?" "What do you expect?" "He's been talking to you." "Let's go." "Lasagna time." "Chop-chop." "Talk to me, Raymond." "What's wrong?" "Nothing. lt's nothing." "It's just..." "Have you ever known anybody that, I don't know, didn't like me?" "Absolutely not." "You're a sweet boy." "People adore you." " Well, not Jerry Musso." " Who?" " Jerry Musso, the radio guy?" " Yeah." "He's pretty good." "He hates me." "What's his number?" "I'm gonna call him." "No!" "Mom, it's okay." "If I could just talk to him for a few minutes, he would fall in love with you." "And hate her." "You know, the thing is, I don't hate him." "I don't hate anybody." "Yes." "That's one of your wonderful qualities." "You got that from me." "Can I get an iced tea from you?" "Your father, on the other hand, hates everybody." "That's not true." "There's only some people I hate." "The rest I tolerate." "Be quiet." "Careful, Marie." "You're right on the fence." "Don't listen to him, Raymond." "You and I are not like him." "What are you talking about?" "You hate plenty of people." "I do not hate people, Frank." "Oh, yeah?" "What about my mother?" "You hated her like poison." "First of all, I did not hate her." "I felt sorry for her." "What about Harriet Lichtman?" "I find Harriet Lichtman's flirtatious behavior towards you distasteful, but I do not hate that slut." "Hey, everybody." "I took Amy out last night to the greatest new seafood restaurant, and I'm gonna take all of you there next Saturday, huh?" "What do you think?" "If I just knew why Jerry hated me, you know... I mean, that's what's killing me." "I'm gonna write that man a letter." "Hello... nice announcement here from somebody else." "That's very nice, Robbie." "Just give me his address, and I'll take care of it." "Oh my God." "This is unbelievable." "I know." "Why would a guy hate me?" "What is with you?" "You can't believe that somebody could hate you?" "is it so impossible to fathom that somewhere in this vast cosmos there might exist a single entity that thinks you suck?" "Robbie, we do not say "suck."" "And if we did, Raymond certainly wouldn't." "No." "What's your problem, man?" "I'm just tired of this." "You have the tiniest problem, and we all have to stop and rock you in your snuggly till you're all better." "I've been saying this for 40 years." "You could've used some of that time to wash your feet." "Oh, Raymond, that's disgusting." "We're eating." "People hate you, Raymond." "They hate you." "They're out there, man." "Maybe you hate me." "You know what?" "If I did, it wouldn't bother you as much as some guy you don't even know hating you." "You've always hated me." "You just never had the guts to say it." "Oh no?" "Are we doing garlic bread, or what?" "Robbie doesn't hate you." "Eat something." " Maybe I do hate you." " Robbie!" " Maybe I hate you, too!" " Raymond!" "You know what?" "I don't care, you little crybaby wussball." "Oh, why don't you go eat at your new seafood restaurant?" " Why don't you?" "!" " Why don't you?" "!" " Stop it, boys!" " You fathead!" "I won't have this!" "You make me sick!" "Oh, you're an apeman!" "Oh, yeah?" "Am I?" "You wanna know something?" "You wanna know who the genius is?" "Jerry Musso." "Because he was the first to say it before me." "Hate... hate!" "Oh, fine." "And I hate you, too!" "I hate you!" "I gotta tell you, Marie, I'm getting a little excited." "What's wrong?" "This whole Jerry Musso thing-- l can't stop thinking about it." "Jerry Musso?" "Your own brother tells you that he hates you, you can't stop thinking about Jerry Musso?" "Robert's always hated me." "But Jerry Musso" "Means nothing to you." "He's nobody." "You should go make up with your brother." "Not making up with him." "He should get down on his knees, look me in the eye, and apologize." "You're so immature." "You could make the first move." "Listen to you, the person who wouldn't talk to my mother for three months." "That was completely different." " How?" " Shut up." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Andy, thanks for coming over." " Sure." "How's it going?" " Good." "Listen... I just got a couple more questions about this Jerry Musso thing." "Oh God." "You said you had something for me." "Yes, couple more questions." "Ray, please, you're killing me." "You were on the phone with me all night." "You were?" "You were asleep." "So was I!" "Look, just tell me" "Listen, Ray, who cares what he thinks?" "I'll tell you something." "I found out he's a major-league scuzball." "What do you mean?" "The other day, a guy at the station was selling candy for his kid's school, and Jerry said, "l can't." "I'm allergic to chocolate."" "And I have the feeling that he isn't." "Yeah, Ray, listen, don't give this guy another thought." "You are surrounded by people who love you." "Kids, come on in here." "Let's give Daddy a big hug, huh," " and show him how much we love him." " Okay..." " All right." " There we go." "Okay, thank you." "Thank you." "You're the best dad in the whole world." "I love you, too, Geoffrey." "I love all of you." " Okay." " Aw, Raygula." "All right." "Okay, my work is done here." "I'll see you later." "Where you going?" "They're having a premiere party for the show." "Daddy, wanna play with me?" "Just a minute." ""The Jerry Musso Show"?" "Yeah." " Well..." " Ray..." "Yeah." "Okay, in a minute." "Listen, can you get me in, Andy?" "I suppose I could" "Ray, Geoffrey asked you if" "Geoffrey, Daddy's gonna be right back, okay?" "And if I'm not back by the time you go to bed, then we're gonna play first thing in the morning." "I promise, okay?" "And here is a little advance on your allowance." "Get yourself some candy or sodas." "Anything you want." "Okay?" "Yay!" "I love you!" "Let's go." "Thanks for getting me in." "Yeah, sure." "While I'm here, I can't talk to you, I can't be seen with you, and if anybody asks, I don't know you and I've never had anything to do with you." "You're a true friend." "Hey hey, that's Jerry Musso, right?" "Oh, crap." "Give me a five count." "Hey, give me a... give me a... give me a ginger ale, please." "Well well, look who it is." "What are you doing here?" "Andy got me on the guest list a couple of days ago." "I wanna get Jerry Musso's autograph." "I'm a big fan." "Thank you." "It's tearing you apart, isn't it?" "You have to know." "There he is." "Go ahead." "Now's your chance." "Maybe you'll find out something about yourself." "What are you waiting for?" "Now, I've chosen to take it as a compliment, but what can you say when someone says that you have a face that's made for radio?" "Jerry?" " Yes." " Ray Barone." " Oh, yes." "Hey, how you doing?" " Good good." "I don't believe we've ever met, have we?" "No, I don't believe we have." "Well, I just wanna say congratulations on the new show." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "This is my station manager, Tim Lebowsky." "Hey." "A funny thing. I had heard-- and I know how things get blown out of proportion and stuff gets misconstrued." "Whatever." "I had heard that-- somebody told me that you... hated me." "Ha ha ha ha." " What?" " "Hate."" "Yeah, that was the word, "hate,"" "which seemed odd to me because we had never met." "I have my faults, like anybody else, but I think once you get to know me, l-- it's like my mother says, it's-- l..." "Well, anyway, I don't know, I was just wondering... I don't understand." "Why... why would I hate you?" "That's what I said." "Well, that's ridiculous." "I don't hate you." "Who told you that?" "I really-- l don't know where you could've got that." "In fact, you should do my show." "Would you do my show?" "Yes, that would be great." "Okay, where's Andy?" "Andy!" "Andy!" "Hey, what's up, Jer?" "Andy, this is Ray Barone, "New York Newsday."" " How do you do?" "Ray, is it?" " Yeah." "How come we haven't booked Ray on the show?" "He'd be great." "You know, I knew this was some kind of big misunderstanding." "Sure sure." "Listen, enjoy yourself, and... it was nice to meet you." "You, too." "Thanks." "Jerry, nice to meet you." " Same here, Ray." " Okay." "What?" "What?" "Huh?" "It looked like you rolled your eyes there." "I did?" "Yeah." "You meant what you said just now?" "Oh, sure." "Listen, you're on the show. I'll see you there." "No. I know you said you didn't hate me, but it kind of looked like you just went like this... and I think I know what that means." "My wife does that to me all the time." "You know, it's like, "Can you believe this guy?"" "But if that's not what you did, then that's fine." "Look, what do you want from me?" "So it's true?" "You do hate me?" "Man, you ought to learn to quit while you're ahead." "Hey, it's no big deal." "I just wanna know why." "All right, you have to push it." "Okay." "There's just something about you." "I've read your column, I've heard you speak." "I look at you, and I go, "l don't get it."" "I guess you don't have to be smart to have a career in this business." "Now, if you know me, you know I have pretty high standards and a very low threshold for dumb." "Now look, I didn't wanna say it." "I was trying to be nice, but you wouldn't let it go." "So why don't you go have a shrimp puff and leave me alone, okay?" "Hold it right there, you little twerp." "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "I'm someone who can crush you into a fine powder, that's who I am." "Now, Ray Barone has more talent in the weird pimple on his neck that won't go away than you have in your entire body, you oily, two-faced hack." "You only wish you could be Ray Barone because you'll never come close to him as a writer, as a father, as a friend or as a person." "Come on, Raymond." "Hey, who let those guys in here?" "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell gonna find out." "Hey, you know, thanks." "Yeah yeah." " That guy called me dumb." " You're not dumb, Raymond." "Even if I am, is that any reason to hate me?" "Of course not." " There's so many better reasons." " Yeah." "Hey, by the way, that's not a pimple, all right?" "That's an ingrown hair." "Well, it's weird, and it won't go away." "Deb." "Deb." "Hmm?" "Do you think I'm dumb?" "You've asked me this before." "I guess I forgot what you said 'cause I'm dumb." "No, Ray, you're not dumb." "Really?" "You're neurotic, but you're not dumb." "I wouldn't be married to a dumb guy." "You call me "idiot."" "Come on." "That's just my little nickname for you." "You're not an idiot." "So, what is it?" "It's like an opposite nickname, you know, like someone who never smiles, you call 'em "Smiley"?" "Yeah, that's right." "Night." "Good night... skinny." "'Cause that's not an opposite nickname." "My nicknames mean exactly what they say." "If you want an opposite nickname, then... hi, chubby." "I don't know. I... I am an idiot."