"Good evening, ladies." "Has your husband recently acquired a faraway look in his eyes?" "In the event, something unforeseen happens to you... do all of your worldly goods go to him?" "Is he, at this moment, nervously excusing himself from the room?" "If you have answered, "Yes" to all the above questions... you receive a score of 100." "A gold star for neatness." "And my advice to leave for mother's immediately." "That is, immediately after the conclusion of our program." "Our story tonight is called..." ""The Orderly World of Mr. Appleby."" "Unfortunately, it will do nothing to relieve your fears." "If that is what you want." "If you want contentment, security... peace of mind... listen to this advice... from our friendly philosopher." "Now, this Gothic bell is very old, 16th century." "It makes a very attractive gift." "No, I'm afraid that's too commonplace." "This jewel box is lovely." "I'm afraid that's not for sale, either." "Everything that's the least bit good seems to be spoken for." "Well...." "Many of the pieces are quite fragile." "I would appreciate it if you didn't handle them." "Good afternoon." "May I show you something?" "Yes." "You might tell me where this came from?" "Please be careful." "This is a very valuable antique." "Yes, I know." "It's 14th century Tuareg from the Sahara, is it not?" "As a matter of fact, it did come from the Sahara." "Yes, Mr. Appleby." "But it came by way of Ankara." "From where, incidentally, I have just come." "Then you must be...." "Are you from the Dizar Company?" "I am Dizar Company." "Dizar and Son." "I am Son." "What a pleasant surprise." "Your father supplied me with so many of my rarest treasures." "A man of great taste, I've often wanted to meet him." "I have come in his place." "Well... we must have a drink to celebrate the occasion." "Let's go into my office." "Please be seated, Mr. Dizar." "Thank you." "But Moslems don't drink liquor." "Coffee, of course, very thick and very black." "I've never been to Turkey, or abroad at all." "But with my treasures from these fabulous places all around..." "I often feel like a world traveler." "Thank you." "Your treasures do not appear to sell, Mr. Appleby." "Business hasn't been good." "People just don't seem to want antiques." "The lady in the shop, she wanted to buy several pieces." "Of course, but they'd already been sold." "Interesting." "Antiques do not sell and yet they sell." "But whether they sell or not... you owe Dizar and Son $12,000 that must be paid." "I had no intention of doing otherwise." "In two weeks." "Two weeks?" "I haven't got it." "You will get it soon?" "No." "You see, I haven't really sold them." "I found I couldn't part with them." "[glass shattering] I just can't." "That woman." "(Mr. Appleby) No." "Oh, dear." "Broken, utterly broken." "I'm terribly sorry." "I don't know how it could have happened." "It's beyond repair." "My beautiful camel." "I know how you feel." "[sighs]" "It could never be replaced." "Naturally I'll pay you for it." "Naturally." "It's only worth a $1,000." "I'm afraid I don't have that much with me." "Would a check be satisfactory?" "A check?" "Yes, if you would lend me a pen, please." "Yes, of course." "Thank you." "To whom should I make it payable?" "To Lawrence Appleby." "Lawrence Appleby." "$1,000." "There you are." "And please forgive my awkwardness." "These things do happen, Mrs. Sturgis." "Miss." "Good day, Mr. Appleby." "Good day." "Now, you only owe $11,000." "Balance in two weeks, please." "I told you Mr. Dizar, it's utterly impossible." "Perhaps you'll be fortunate enough to have more clumsy women enter your shop." "I should hope not." "Then you leave me no choice but to take your treasures and sell them myself." "Take them from me?" "You can't be serious." "I am most serious, Mr. Appleby." "If you cannot raise the money-- No, no, no, I'll raise it." "I'll raise it somehow." "Perhaps I can get a loan from the bank or something." "I don't know." "I don't know but you'll get your money." "~~[music playing] [music stops]" "Hey..." "Do you have to have that thing blasting all the time?" "I like it." "Goodness knows I don't have any other company around here." "You won't even let me have a cat." "You know very well a cat would scratch up the furniture." "Who cares?" "You don't, obviously." "And you never hang anything up." "You don't even clean up the place." "You know I can't stand disorder." "Can't stand it." "Can't stand it." "You're as fussy as an old maid." "You can't stand a speck of dust in that fancy shop of yours, either." "And what good does it do?" "Nobody ever buys anything." "[stammers]" "I don't want to quarrel with you, Lena." "You're right about the shop." "Lena, I've got some serious business troubles." "I'm going to have to raise some money. $11,000." "$11,000?" "Just where do you think you're gonna raise that kind of money?" "From you, I hope, from your endowment policy." "You've got a nerve." "I'm sorry, Lena." "I must insist." "Insist all you want." "It's not gonna do you any good... 'cause you've got to have my signature and I'm not signing." "I know what you'd do with that money, just go out and buy some more treasures!" "No, I won't." "Well, you're not getting it, so forget it!" "[door shuts]" "Lena." "(Lena) Yeah?" "Would you bring me a glass of water, please?" "Who was your servant last year?" "Please, Lena." "I'm getting it." "[door opens]" "[Lena screams]" "[dialing]" "Operator..." "I want to report an accident." "I am sorry I had to insist on payment, Mr. Appleby." "But my father in Ankara does not understand these delays." "Different countries, different ways of doing business." "I hope your father will continue to send me his wonderful objet d'art." "He writes that he's found some excellent Hittite things." "Hittite?" "How perfectly splendid." "Please, you must ask him to send me some at once." "Well, there is a great demand." "If it could be paid on delivery." "That's impossible." "I haven't a cent left from my wife's estate." "Surely, there are customers." "The so-nice lady who broke your camel." "Martha Sturgis?" "She must be very rich." "I couldn't say." "If you wish to talk about it you know where I can be reached." "Yes, I know." "Good day." "Good day." "Why, it's that lovely jewel box." "I thought you said it had been sold." "The customer who bought it changed her mind." "I remembered how much you admired it." "I simply had to bring it to you." "But I couldn't possibly accept." "Please, I was very rude that day." "It would make me feel much better." "Your behavior was perfectly understandable, Mr. Appleby, I assure you." "And certainly, not worth this much." "You must let me buy it." "But then I would feel like a door-to-door salesman." "No, Mr. Appleby, I'm sorry... but it would be improper for me to accept such an expensive gift" "From a man you hardly know?" "That's true but" "No, you're terribly, terribly kind but you must let me send a check." "Very well, if you insist." "Yes." "But I warn you, Miss Sturgis." "I shall make a point of getting much better acquainted... so I can present a proper apology." "I'm sure you have much more important things to do, Mr. Appleby." "Neither as important nor as attractive." "May I call on you again sometime?" "I should be happy to have you do so." "Come in, Mr. Appleby." "Good evening, Ella." "I believe Ms. Sturgis is expecting me." "Yes." "Martha." "Good evening, Mr. Appleby." "Thank you." "What a delightful picture you make sitting there." "I wish I were an artist." "You're such a flatterer." "I don't know what I'm going to do with you." "I have a suggestion." "You have?" "Yes." "Martha, I wish you'd marry me." "Who, me?" "You don't know what you're saying." "I know exactly what I'm saying." "There comes a time to every lonely man when he can no longer bear his loneliness." "If he is fortunate enough to meet a woman... to whom he can give all his respect and tender feelings, he must say so." "Or deserve his loneliness." "But you have so much, Mr. Appleby." "Lawrence." "Lawrence, you have so much... you have your shop, all your lovely works of art." "I'm afraid you'd find me inadequate." "I would find you delightful, all the rest of our days." "No, no, no, you must understand." "It's just that I've waited so long it'd be foolish to rush in now." "It would be better not to get married at all... than risk marriage with a man who is not interested in me... [stuttering] in my happiness." "I should have no other interest but you, my dear." "And your curios." "Well, yes, my curios." "That would be all right as long as I come first." "Then it's settled." "I would like you first to see our lawyer, Mr. Gainsboro." "Since my father died, he's taken his place." "I wouldn't like to do anything without his approval." "Of course, I quite understand." "My dear?" "In my capacity as Miss Sturgis' legal adviser..." "I am sometimes called on to give counsel in matters of the heart." "In short, matrimony." "Quite naturally." "In so doing one must be aware... that Miss Sturgis' considerable fortune may be the main objective." "I have no knowledge of or interest in Martha's money." "Nevertheless, that fact exists." "However, Miss Sturgis is prepared to... put that thought out of her mind." "If you are prepared... to meet all other obligations of marriage." "I am." "Mr. Appleby, have you ever been married?" "Yes." "Divorced?" "Good heavens, no." "Very good." "If the question seemed impertinent... in these days of moral laxity" "I can assure you, sir..." "I am as far from moral laxity as any human being can be." "I have no vices." "I'm sure of it." "Nevertheless I have counseled Ms. Sturgis against any precipitate action." "She's decided to consider it for one month before giving you her answer." "A month." "And in that time, if you'll take the advice of an old man... court her assiduously." "Constancy, devotion." "Remember, she's a woman... and I believe they are all very much alike." "Yes, I believe they are." "As executor for the Sturgis estate..." "I've drawn up this document." "It merely provides that each of you is heir to the other's property." "You have no objection to signing this?" "No, of course not." "Now for the final proviso... something very near and dear to Martha." "[exclaims]" "You've been so understanding." "I know I am peculiar in many ways." "But enchanting." "What is the item, Mr. Gainsboro?" "That after the marriage you will take up your residence here... in this house... where Martha was born and where she has always lived." "(Mr. Appleby) Here?" "Not for one moment would I consider taking her out of a setting... that is so perfect for her." "It's been her home, it will be mine." "I can never understand how women can be so disorderly." "You look tired, dear." "I'll clear this up later." "Come over here and tell me about your day." "I've had a frightful day." "Dizar is threatening to foreclose on my stock." "Why is that?" "I'm behind in my payments on some Hittite specimens." "If I don't raise $7,000, I'll lose them." "Let them have their old curios." "You don't seem to understand, Martha." "I could lose the shop." "Would that be such a bad thing?" "It doesn't pay." "And then you could stay at home with me." "I'd go out of my mind." "[phone ringing]" "No, that'll be Mr. Gainsboro." "Does he have to call every night?" "Now, Appie, he has called every night since my father died." "All those years I've lived alone... he can't get out of the habit." "He only wants to know that I'm all right." "Hello." "Yes, Mr. Gainsboro." "Yes, thank you, I'm well." "Yes, he's here." "Yes, fine." "[sighs] [cat meows]" "Martha!" "(Martha) Yes, dear." "You're late." "Every night you get home later and later." "What is that thing?" "That is Dicky." "I bought him to keep me company." "You're away so much." "Cats are destructive." "You know what a mess they make." "I don't mind." "Martha." "I must have $7,000 by tomorrow." "Are you hungry, Dicky?" "What would you like for supper?" "Fish?" "Haven't you been listening to me?" "Dizar and Son have given me until noon tomorrow." "I'll lose my shop." "It'll be no great loss, I'm sure." "I'd much rather have you home here with me." "You won't lend it to me?" "No, dear, I'm afraid not." "It'll be nice having you here." "You'll see what fun it'll be." "Come on, Dicky." "I'll give you a nice saucer of milk." "[Dicky meows]" "You're surely not going to feed that beast from a piece of Sevres china?" "You and your old curios." "Martha, dear?" "Would you bring me a glass of water, please?" "(Martha) Just a moment, dear." "[door opens]" "Here you are, Appie." "Was that how you did it before?" "Was it accident or murder?" "Yes, I found the book." "Even then I didn't believe it." "I suppose deep down in my heart I did." "That along with what Mr. Gainsboro found out... about the first Mrs. Appleby... it would have been rather hard to ignore." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Perhaps you'd like to see the documents Mr. Gainsboro has collected." "I'm sure the authorities would find them extremely revealing." "I see." "No doubt you'll expect me to leave at once." "That was my first emotion." "And it is certainly what Mr. Gainsboro is urging." "But what would you do?" "Marry other unsuspecting women and murder them, too?" "I feel it's my duty to protect them from you." "No, Appie." "I married you long after I'd given up hope of ever getting married." "I'll make the best of it." "You are to give up the shop... and spend your days here with me." "Here?" "It's impossible." "You have no choice in the matter." "All the arrangements have been made." "There's a letter in Mr. Gainsboro's safe... that would certainly hang you if I were to die... under whatever circumstances." "And Mr. Gainsboro will continue to call here every night at this hour... to see that I am well and happy." "[phone ringing]" "Answer it." "[phone ringing]" "[phone ringing]" "Hello." "(Mr. Gainsboro) Let me speak to Mrs. Appleby." "I'm sorry, I'm afraid she can't come to the phone right now." "I'll give her a message." "This is Sidney Gainsboro and I want to speak to your wife immediately." "Mr. Appleby, I'll give you precisely ten seconds to have her on the phone." "It's for you." "[screams]" "Martha." "Appleby, ten seconds." "Do you hear me?" "Your time is up." "Oh, well... the bigger they come, the harder they fall." "By the way, what you've just seen... is of historical significance." "It was in precisely this way... that a housewife carrying an armload of vegetables... invented the tossed salad." "Now, before I say goodnight... my sponsor... would like to bring you an important message." "I needn't tell you to whom it is important." "That concludes our entertainment for tonight." "Once again, through a propaganda play... we have attempted to make the world a better place in which to live." "I'm confident that tonight... we struck a telling blow... in the cause of wall-to-wall carpeting." "Goodnight."