"Doug is that you?" "Harris?" "Where the hell is everybody?" "I don't know how to say this, but.. the clan's dead" "We're the last ones left" "What?" "!" "Valentine?" "Sniped.." "Bowzer_Delta?" "Camped.." "Delicinq?" "!" "All gone Doug.." "They're all gone.." "Those goddamn Krauts!" "Doug.. just listen to me for a sec" "I just want you to know.." "Man get down, get down!" "You said you'd bring me a chocolate milk but you're a liar mom!" "I don't want Mountain Dew I want chocolate milk!" "Man, I wish they'd turn on friendly fire.." "Doug.." "I want you to listen to me.." "You're the best friend I've ever had.." "It's been an honor fighting by your side.." "And if we ever get out of here" "HARRIS MOVE!" "Oh man.. what the.." "Doug!" "Harris!" "How bad is it?" "I don't know what to say Harris.. you're pretty messed up, man.." "Doug ..." "I need you to do something for me" "What is it?" "You want me to take a letter back to Susan?" "No.." "What?" "Don't tell me you got a watch up your ass!" "What?" "Man, no.. no.." "Doug I.." "I just.." "Wanted to know if you'd just.." "Just say.. say it for me one last time!" "Uuugghhh.." "laaaaame.." "I know how much you hate it when people ask but.." "Just.. just one last time.. please  *sigh* Boom headshot, gotta go!" "Oh boy!" "Harris!" "This one's for you man!" "YOU CAMPING BASTARDS!" "SNIPE THIS!" "YOU LIKE THAT?" "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "OH YEAH!" "YEAH YOU WANNA DIE?" "YOU'RE GONNA DIE!" "BOOOOYYEEAAAAHHHHHH!" "Hahaha.. n00bs." "FPS Doug.." "What the hell?" "!" "HACKS!" "OMFG HACKS!" "HACKS!" "Are you quite finished?" "There is a man I'd like you to meet" "He will help further your training" "When you wake up, follow these instructions.." "And Doug.. before you go.." "Can you say something for me?" "* I am the pwnage!" "bitches!" "*" "(translation by:" "Your Name)" "Episode 9:" "The story of Dave" "Hey n00bs.." "like uhh.. welcome to my show" " Pure Pwnage" "This is episode 9 and this episode.." "I'm just gonna let you know right away" "Like I might not be as super uber awesome pr0 as I normally am.." "Because apparently if you don't get to Dave's house early enough you don't get breakfast.." "And y'know, it's not fair, like.. so I woke up at 4 pm?" "Y'know how am I supposed to get here by noon if I got up at 4?" "Dave doesn't understand maybe how the universe works.. and time and stuff" "And apparently it's too much trouble to wash the dishes and make food again" "And to top this off, it's kinda insulting.." "Kyle tells me this morning he doesn't even want to make the episode about me this time!" "He's thinking "Oh I'll make the episode about Dave, 'cause Dave's got all these fans online.. they think he's real funny"" " Yeah well Dave's a popular guy, y'know?" "A lot of people want to know more about him.. they wanna see an episode about Dave.." "Yeah.. but that's only 'cause they don't know Dave.." "I'm not saying Dave's not a cool guy, don't get me wrong.." "I'm just saying y'know.. he's not like super cool like me" "Seriously Kyle, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit" "Here I am.." "I'm trying to take Dave out to a movie tonight right.. y'know.." "It's this movie he's been bugging me to see for like.. a month now" "He's like "We gotta go see this mov-" Oh oh!" "actually.. actually.." "Jeremy just really wants to see Hermione.. y'know?" "That's just for kids" "It's Dave, man.." "Dave's begging me to do it and I'm gonna be super nice but then y'know I get hit with this.." "No breakfast.. no show about me.. so.." "I'm just gonna say sorry guys.." "I'm gonna, y'know.." "I'm just gonna go and I'm gonna let Kyle do his thing.. you guys have fun together, y'know.." "You make some shows with Dave.. you show how funny he is.. and I'm gonna go pwn some n00bs.." "Or do something good.. maybe get some New Gen 'cause I'm so hungry.." "(editor's note:" "New Gen is the name of a local sushi restaurant)" "'Cause I guess I don't get breakfast!" "Alright.. well.." "There's nothing to say.." "You seem like a good guy, and I'm not just saying that.." "'Cause y'know I meet a lot of people.. a lotta guys come to me, they think it's all Hogan's Alley out there, y'know?" "But you look like you've got a purpose, or you're gonna find some sort of purpose.." "Anyway, you're here for a weapon right?" "And I understand it's your first, so I got some great starter guns for you right here.." "Well, uhh.. actually my Dad gave me a Walter P when I was like 7 man.. dude owns a gun shop!" "Haha.. owns a gun shop, classic.. can you get this at your Dad's gun shop?" "Have a look at this gun here.." "look at that!" "Modded adjustable collimating lens.. great starter.. what do you think?" "Uhhh.. yeah.." "Alright something a little more practical maybe?" "Snub nose.. dispersion compensator.. beautiful!" "Man.. what is with this plastic crap?" "I mean.. where's the motherfucking AK man?" "!" "Desert Eagle!" "Hah.. you think you're gonna take these guys out with bullets?" "Huh?" "Teh_Masterer didn't tell you, did he?" "Tell me what?" "It doesn't come from here.. it comes from here" "You can't get stuff like this anywhere else in the city.." "Teh_Masterer knows I always like to take care of you guys.." "WHOA WHOA!" "Buddy.. what are you doing?" "Dude, sorry man.." "You think this is some kind of toy?" "These will get the job done.." "You want some heavy artillery?" "Check out this bad boy" "NES Super Scope 6" "Beam waist adjustment right beside the trigger" "So what's it gonna be, huh?" "My personal recommendation " "Sureshot Zapper.. practically aims itself" "Well.. what's in that bag?" "Oh that's not for you, that's for somebody else.." "What's for somebody else?" "Look, that is the pr0 shit.." "Ok?" "You're not ready for that.. maybe in a couple years down the line.." "Dude.." "I've been playing FPS a long time.." "Hah.. sure you're *played* FPS.." "Listen, I just don't want you to get hurt.. ok?" "But I'll show you anyways.." "2 years ago I had this thing refurbished in Japan.. you don't see many of these around.." "The SEGA Phaser.." "Endless supply of energy, the phenomenal speed of light right at your fingertips.." "I've been training on FPS since Duke Nukem went 3d and I can barely control this thing.." "There's only a few fellas I know that know how to handle this.." "BOOM HEADSHOT!" "So you're FPS Doug.." "I'm standing here.." "I'm standing here.." "It's your move.. better get your hacks on 'cause it's your move.." "Aimbot'ing piece of shit.." "Did you send me a PM?" "Did you send me a PM?" "I'm the only one with that user name.." "Who the fuck do you think you're PM'ing?" "Oh?" "Oh yeah?" "Alright.." "That's right.." "leave the server.. go ahead" "Little wallhacking bitch" "So I dunno I was having this dream.." "I was like on a horse and stuff.." "I got these 2 guns.." "I'm just like "boobooboooom" shooting up all these guys with like my crazy micro.." "Tagi?" "Hey ..." "How's it going?" "Like I haven't seen you in so long.." "like I meant to call or whatever.." "remember last time you didn't do it and you wish you'd done it both sides?" "Alright, I gotta go.. who's this?" "This is just a friend of mine.." "Jeremy.." "Tagi?" "Wh-wh-wh.." "Tagi?" "Oh is this the.. this is the guy!" "That's what he calls you on the computer!" "Tagi.. haha.." "yeah.. hehe.. we just went out for dinner.." "Oh, you're having dinner.. cool.. that's cool Yeah, it was good.." "I like.." "I eat too.. sometimes.." "Oh yeah?" "You like to eat?" "What do you eat?" "Shit?" "!" "He's so quick Tagi is that why you're with him?" "'Cause he's so smart?" "You know what?" "You remind me of those little geeks I used to beat the shit out of in High School" "You remind me of.. ghey." "Of gay?" "Yeah!" ".. who is this n00b Tagi?" "I can't believe you hang out with n00bs like this guy.." "Noob?" "What is that?" "Nice skills buddy.." "A noob?" "Skills?" "I'll show you skills.." "Do you know what micro is?" "And it's not what's in your pants, man.." "I don't even understand what the hell this guy is talking about.." "Yeah and I'm gonna pwn you Own me?" "Own me?" "You think you're rich now, man?" "You know how much this fucking jacket costs?" "Jeremy just stop.. stop it!" "stop it!" "Will you just leave us alone?" "Oh you wanna be with this guy?" "Alright.." "later Anastasia" "See you on the internet!" "Fucking n00b thinks 'cause he's like.. kicks a football around he's got some skills.." "Doesn't know I could micro his fucking punk ass.." "What the hell is this?" "Maybe they want some?" ".. maybe they think they got some skills?" ".." "Shanxi, 1998 (northern China)" "Motherfucker" "Bastard" "Give him a punch there" "Little son of a bitch!" "Mah Balls!" "Damn, the cheap ass!" "Taking you bitches to school!" "Back to grade 1, grade 1!" "Your skills are total n00b" "Let's play again, this time I'll try" "Yeah, try not to get your ass kicked!" "Dave, Dave.." "Double dragon out of the sea" "Dragon group without leader" "Proud dragon with regret" "Piss of n00b!" "Nie Feng, you distracted me, idiot!" "Next time, shut your mouth!" "Haha, nice excuse!" "He wins because he games all day.." "Useless rice bucket!" "When he wins, it's always close" "When I win, it really counts!" "Tell me, last time you won.." "Who was the emperor of China then?" "Let's play a game of real skill" "My high score in Tetris is 367,896!" "What's yours?" "My high score is your mom thousand, your sister hundred and your cousin" "Well, you just gave me an idea" "Let's play again, and if I win..." "I will have my way with your sisters.." "Both of them!" "Ha, ha, ha." "How about we play and when you lose.." "You can lick my balls.." "Both of them!" "Unbelievable that you would do such a dishonorable thing" "We keep it in the game!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Shut up!" "You are either with me or against me!" "Bu Jing Yun!" "I will not fight you.." "Leave this place!" "We are never playing again" "You dishonor the memory of our sensei" "He didn't know what I could do either!" "I will never play games again" "I will never micro again" "Masterer.." "Let the micro flow through your fingers.." "Masterer!" "We were attacked.." "By whom?" "I don't know.. but like, they had weapons.. and.. they had training" "And yet you escaped?" "Well.. yeah.." "I mean.. y'know.." "We kinda pwned 'em up, y'know.." "You used your micro in public?" "!" "Well yeah.." "I mean there was like 10 of 'em" "There was like 15.." "I mean.." "I didn't have a choice!" "IT IS FORBIDDEN!" "That is our way!" "But if it wasn't for Dave.." "But Masterer!" "There has been a micro battle since the Miyamoto peace accord!" "That's none of your concern!" "We have more important things to worry about right now.." "Where is Alex?" "I haven't heard from him in a month.." "I don't know.. he's not returning my emails.." "FIND HIM!" "Alex!" ".." "Hey Jeremy.. what's up?" "So what's with like not replying to emails?" "And my IMs?" "Y'know I got Teh_Masterer breathing down my neck wondering where you are.." "I'm trying to tell him y'know, you're gtg.. but like.." "Well Jeremy I've actually been very busy with work and school.. there's lots of stuff I want to do" "Well yeah there's lots to do.." "lots of n00bs to pwn.. they don't pwn themselves y'know.." "You don't have time to be playing with candies.. we gotta train, we got work to do.." "Y'know what?" "Playing games isn't exactly the best way I've gotta spend my time right now.." "I gotta finish my degree at school.." "I have a girlfriend now.." "I want to go travelling.." "I work.." "You don't wanna play games?" "Look I really don't wanna do that pr0 gramer thing anymore.." "Just.. tell Teh_Masterer.." "I don't wanna go to his training program anymore.." "I just quit.." "And to tell you the truth.." "Teh_Masterer kinda creeps me out.." "Why the hell does he dress like a ninja?" "Why the hell does he dress like that?" "You don't wanna play games?" "Come on Alex, stop messing around!" "Ok, one second.." "I'm coming right away.." "Yeah look my boss is calling me back to work.." "I gotta go.." "So.. whatever.. you just tell Teh_Masterer I quit, I'm done.." "I don't wanna play games anymore.." "I guess I'll just see you later.." "Can you believe that Kyle?" "Like he doesn't wanna play games?" "He's got those kinda skills and he's just gonna let them go to waste!" "He's gonna get a JOB!" " Maybe he's really a n00b or something?" "Kyle.. he almost took my GLA.. he's no n00b.." "I mean, trust me.." "I picked him out myself.." "Kinda makes you think Kyle.." "Y'know, like.." "Is there more stuff out there than games?" "Y'know am I missing out on stuff that's fun?" "'Cause I've played like the most fun games y'know.." "It's just a lot to think about.." "Dave?" "Dave?" "Must be in the kitchen.." "Dave?" "What's this?" "Dear Jeremy and Kyle.." "I'm sorry that I'm not here but I had to leave" "I've been thinking about the mistakes I've made that causes me unhappiness" "I'm going back to China" "I'm sorry I can't be in your internet show anymore.. (signed) Dawei" "Thank you Dave for all you have done for us." "We wish you luck in your new life." " The Pure Pwnage Crew"