"(on car stereo):" "With suns and moons" "All over the place" "(singing with radio):" "Tonight, tonight" "The world is wild and bright" "Going mad" "Shooting sparks into space" "Today, the world is just an address" "To live in" "No better than all right" "But here you are" "And what was just a world is a star..." "Oh..." "Don't do this to me." "STATION ANNOUNCER:" "The 8:05 to Manhattan-Penn Station is now arriving." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "MAN:" "The one-mile relay." "That was our race." "Four guys, a million raging hormones, eight legs, one heart, each of us killing ourselves to bring it home." "The last runner had to make up for all those precious seconds the rest of us lost 'cause we got distracted by Lisa Fentner in the bleachers, with her mountainous chest and fishnet thighs." "He didn't hold it against us." "He knew he couldn't let us down, and he never did." "No matter how far behind we were, we had him." "We had the finisher." "(cheering)" "CONDUCTOR:" "All aboard!" "MAN:" "I don't get it." "I mean, he was this close." "Wrong shoes, didn't you see?" "He was wearing fancy shoes." "He still has the stuff." "Can you believe it?" "After all this time?" "I think he missed the train." "He'll be late for work." "I think everything else, including the shoes... and the "stuff"... is irrelevant." "And that's why you don't get invited to any good parties." "What is your problem with him lately?" "I'm a realist." "No, you're a turkey." "Just 'cause he's got the stuff, and you take out tonsils." "Orthopedists don't get much call for tonsillectomies." "He quit." "People quit." "You really shouldn't eat that." "He had the wrong shoes." "However you want to see it." "Oh, I know what I saw... and he didn't just quit." "MAN:" "You missed the meeting." "We're going to be handling the Luxor account together." "If you want to take a moment, maybe, and look this over" "Ah." "Yeah." "Luxor." "No problema." "You really don't give a damn, do you?" "About?" "Oh, why we're here, what we do, our job." "You know, Bertie... you grow up on the Long Island Sound... anything "maritime" sounds good." "Thing is, they don't mention that there won't be any actual ships or water involved, so... here I am, landlocked on the tenth floor." "What are you doing?" "You're the only person I know who still smokes." "An event very inconvenient for me." "Ah..." "You know what I think made our country great, Bertie?" "Broadway musicals." "Swear to God." "They took me when I was a kid, our major outing from the burbs." "Oklahoma" "Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain" "Oklahoma!" "I mean, there's something about those songs." "Lot of heart." "Lot of hope, you know what I mean?" "Don't worry, Bertie," "I like girls." "Although, I must admit... your eyes are a particularly lovely shade of blue." "Okay." "It's "Bert."" "And you should put that out, buy that gum, and get some work done." "Do you realize I've been here two years less than you," "I'm a year younger," "I've already been promoted twice." "You're losing it, pal." "In my opinion, you've lost it." "And, just in case you thought you were, or anything, you're not cool." "WOMAN:" "You do "Standing Tree" position, not that." "I do this and Standing Tree position." "Ta-da!" "I told you how many times, a sleepy traveler misses his destination." "Oh, shoot... heading up the East Coast is not my destination." "There's hockey tonight." "My mother needs dinner." "Ooh, hey, what..." "wh-what's this?" "I see a president." "A geometrical shape." "Flowers." "Could it be?" "Yes, it is." "Madison Square Garden." "Tonight:" "Rangers, center ice." "You and your mom, the hockey fiend from Canton." "You think I'd forget the most important woman in my life?" "You are a great, but foolish man." "I count on you to keep me apprised." "What do you say, Bertie?" "It's party time." "Yes!" "My wandering angel, home at last." "I love you." "I love that job." "I love loving you." "No, thanks." "You forgot." "It's okay." "You were busy, must have slipped your mind." "Happy anniversary, darling." "Okay... we'll celebrate in the storage room." "Do you remember what they called it when we bought the house?" ""The kids' room."" "We haven't even gotten the dog to sit yet." "Okay." "Seriously." "I can do that." "I look at you... and I know that life is inherently worthwhile." "And a good thing to keep engaging in until I get it right." "I got offered something in Boston." "At the museum in the fall." "Assistant curator." "And I think that if I'm far enough away from you," "I can move on." "So... who is it?" "What is it, someone you ran into at work?" "Some big-deal art aficionado?" "You wouldn't be leaving me to leave me, so who is it?" "All right." "If it makes it easier... there is someone." "Who makes me feel I'm not crazy for doing this." "Okay." "You were on the road." "You lose your way." "I-I can encompass that." "You know, I think it would be better, less complicated, if I move out now." "No." "No, no, no." "All right." "Here's what:" "Um, I'm gonna take the company apartment," "I mean, you know, for a week or two." "You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna give you some space." "That's a good thing, right?" "Space?" "You'll have the run of the house." "And you'll realize that we don't even breathe right without each other." "It was two weeks ago." "What?" "Our anniversary." "ARTIE:" "How did he sound to you when you talked to him?" "How did he sound?" "I don't know." "He sounded like him." "How can you eat that?" "I'm hungry." "Everything's falling apart, you're eating." "He was just taking a little break, that's all." "Yeah, but a break from what?" "I mean, why does he need a break?" "What does he need a break for?" "They're peftect together." "I'm worried about him, man." "I'm really, really worried." "I wouldn't be too worried." "How do you..." "I mean, this is really..." "Hey, buddy." "Oh, hey, hey, you came." "Of course we did." "What were we gonna do, not come?" "Forget about it." "Uh... some friends of mine." "Artie... certified literary giant." "I write reviews for a vintage car magazine." "Kipp... musician extraordinaire" "I do jingles." "Say cheese, please." "Wakka, wakka." "Humble guys." "And this is Caroline..." "currently in arbitrage, which I don't really know what that is." "Not important." "So should we get a table?" "Sure." "Great." "Okay." "I'll be right back." "Who is she?" "Who cares?" "He's trying to score, bozo." "I am not trying to score." "She's just a..." "Total babe." "He's married, for Pete's sake." "He's separated." "Hey, hey." "It's a trial thing." "She just needs some time." "For what?" "To stop thinking she likes somebody more than me." "Who?" "Hold on." "Wait a minute." "Pheebs is making it with another guy?" "No way." "I found it fairly devastating, myself." "Come on, let's get a table." "Hey, whoa." "Anything else for you, sir?" "Another for me..." "Want another double?" "Sure." "Wow." "You can real ly handle your..." "I mean, another double and you seem peftectly..." "Peftect." "Am I?" "Would you care for another drink?" "Uh, nothing for us." "We got to go." "Where?" "Got a train to catch." "Not yet." "Not yet." "Yeah, yet." "Oh, come on." "Just stay..." "stay one more round." "No can do, pal." "Geez!" "(squeaks)" "Let's go." "It's nice to meet you." "Listen, Mikey, if you need anything, okay, I'm a phone call away." "All right." "See you." "So..." "Caroline..." "May I call you Caroline?" "It's not Cary or Dave or anything, is it?" "So..." "Caroline..." "What can I say?" "Um, God, how can I say this?" "I, um..." "Do you remember Don Quixote?" "He had a way of wanting people to think that he was a shimmery, glimmery knight in fabulous armor." "In actuality, he had a helmet made of cardboard, and he was tilting at windmills because he was, uh..." "How do I say this?" "Um..." "I, uh..." "I'm..." "Married... for a while now and no other women so far." "I just, uh, knew you'd be safe." "Safe?" "Sexually." "Ah." "Is that what we're here for?" "Yes." "I suppose I am very safe." "You see, Caroline," "I still do love the woman that I'm married to." "And although we're temporarily, um..." "I couldn't..." "with anyone else, that is..." "I couldn't be..." "Serious." "Yeah, exactly." "Hmm... who's serious?" "I'm home." "Correction:" "I'm here." "I really want to talk to you." "Damn it." "Oh, I'm sorry, buddy." "I didn't mean to wake you up." "Geez!" "Mike!" "What?" "Are you all right?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." "I just went over to the house." "I lost my car keys." "Can you believe it?" "Well, hell, stay the night." "Oh, no, no, no." "Uh..." "I was thinking I'd borrow some wheels." "Oh, man, my Camry's in the shop." "Well, I was thinking..." "What?" "I'll have it back tomorrow night, I swear to God." "I wouldn't presume, believe me." "But I promised Caroline... the blonde." "You remember the blonde?" "Anyway, I told her I'd take her to Ellis Island first thing in the a.m." "Why?" "I don't know." "I guess... 'cause I've been sleeping with her." "You're having sex with the blonde?" "A little." "Nothing overwhelming." "Anyway, I thought I'd do something with her aside from having sex because..." "I'm not really proud of it." "She's fine, but I thought I'd mix it up take her sightseeing." "And Phoebe's?" "She's also having sex." "Not with me, obviously, or she would have been home." "The point is... no car keys." "I look at this car." "I never drive it." "It's a car, Artie." "Somewhere in the bowels of its painstakingly polished cylinders it's crying out, "Drive me."" "Gently, gently..." "You are a prince among friends, friend." "Hey, get out of here." "You got it in low, Mikey." "Shift it, Mikey!" "Shift it!" "The drums roll out" "The trumpet call" "While the people shout" ""Strike up the band"" "Hear the cymbals ring?" "Callin' one and all" "To the martial swing" "Strike up the band." "Looking good." "Thought we'd toast your survival." "Thank you." "I forgot the law." "Damn frickin' law." "What?" "You're cool, man." "You ditched on Felder's property." "There's no public damage, there's no..." "No, no, no, no, the other law." "An object in motion will remain in motion until confronted with an object at rest." "Hence, a car hitting a tree will axiomatically adversely affect the car." "Sure, I guess." "Makes sense." "Hey, want a slice?" "Absolutely not." "Come on, you got to eat." "One bruised rib." "That makes you luckier than my car." "Come here." "I will get that pony back on her wobbly legs, I swear." "Whatever it takes." "Don't worry about the car." "It's you." "No, it's the car." "How did this get in here?" "Hmm... some wiggy nurse." "Third floor haberdashery." "Are you insane?" "You're bringing that in here now?" "What, you expect him to eat hospital food?" "The booze, you dimwitted, imbecilic..." "Who gave him a car after he had 12 for the road, huh?" "I didn't know." "What, he was going to steal your car at 2:00 in the morning?" "Ellis Island?" "Glad you could make it." "He's lying in there all screwed up if you're interested." "You should see my car." "Oh..." "Do you know how long it took me to find a 1965 Mustang in mint condition wi th 96,000 miles on it?" "And I'm connected!" "I mean, I know where cars are." "What did you come here for?" "To call your service, take down your messages?" "We'll take it." "Thank you." "We have an appointment." "4:30 Thursday." "Best man I could find." "Who has an appointment?" "Whoever cares." "Whoever decides they don't want him to kill himself next time." "You should try and be there." "F. Scott Fitzgerald..." "Edgar Allan Poe..." "Jim Thorpe..." "Ulysses S. Grant..." "Isadora Duncan..." "Edith Piaf..." "Stop me when you see the connecting thread." "Special people..." "very similar to your friend." "They drank to relax, feel stimulated, any reason they could find." "They functioned, they achieved varying degrees of success and they caused great suffering." "Their friends tried to help, but they lacked one important resource." "Any guesses?" "A technique." "I heard about this, okay?" "I'm a musician." "We corner the guy, we say all these stupid things to him, and we make him feel like dirt." "Great freaking technique." "Interventions have been called" ""the surprise party from hell."" "The goal, however, is not to make him feel like hell, exactly, but to let him know he has to change... or risk losing all of you." "He'll never lose me." "Me, either" "Quiet." "So." "How it begins." "You'll need to come up with a ruse, a way of getting him there without him knowing why, of course." "I was thinking we should go through all the junk together and decide what to keep or toss." "Something he feels compelled to show up for." "Saturday at noon?" "I miss the hell out of you." "Did I mention that?" "Is it a date?" "With you?" "Absolutely..." "Family is an important part of this;" "his parents should certainly be included." "It'll be so fun seeing Michael!" "Can you believe it's b een since last spring?" "For God's sake, he drove into a tree." "He's a boozed-up peckerhead!" "Didn't you hear anything they said on the phone?" "I heard peftectly well, Jack." "They're having a little get-together for Michael, and they'd like us to come." "Sometimes, I wonder what planet you're living on, Evelyn." "Chiffon or silk?" "People at work, very helpful." "So, I have about a million better things to do on a Saturday." "Ugh!" "What is that?" "It's black haw root." "Ew." "It smells like a cat died." "Anyone who can point out his failings in that arena." "I'm sure it's very good" "Black haw, huh?" "He mentioned a girlfriend." "As awkward as it may be, if she's part of his life right now..." "Wait a minute." "So his wife knows about me?" "It came out." "Things were coming out." "And does he know that she knows?" "Not yet." "Everyone should write down what they plan to say to him." "It's helpful in the tension of the moment." "Keep it short, a few sentences." "Give me a mother-loving minute, will you?" "Jack, look..." "she's so thin!" "Mm." "Phoebe." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "After you." "I'll be there as the group comes together, outline our goals, provide structure, direction." "Where is this guy?" "!" "I'm sure he'll be here any minute now." "Did you call him?" "Leave him a message?" "What if he overslept?" "!" "Used to be, "interventions" were something the military did." "Grenada." "I can't imagine there's a problem." "He would have told me." "Panama." "I think I got some really good stuff to say to him." "A little touchy-feely, but with a certain... sting to it." "Does this guy have a pager?" "I mean, shouldn't we page him?" "Beep him?" "!" "You had a mission." "Knew your target." "Hey, where's the blond at?" "Yes." "How did you leave it with the girlfriend?" "She was a little iffy." "Artie?" "Your girlfriend's coming?" "Is it serious?" "Air conditioning go the way of the wood tick around here?" "How is your mother?" "Such a lovely woman." "The prettiest hair." "Do you remember her hair, Jack?" "All lustrous and sparkly." "It was gorgeous." "She passed away." "I am so sorry." "I didn't know." "It was in eighth grade." "You came to the funeral." "Did I?" "Well..." "I hate to ask, but is your father still among us?" "For God's sake, who cares?" "I remember him." "He was such a tall man." "He made a peach pie for the pie contest." "Do you remember that, Jack?" "He was the only man who contributed." "Zip the flapper, will you?" "I know you said to keep it short, but I am on a real flow here." "I think I should trust my instincts." "Oh, my God!" "He's here." "What did I tell you?" "No." "Not the shrink." "Mikey." "That's his car." "Mikey's here!" "This is so freaking surreal." "Ooh!" "Michael's here, darling." "Now what?" "!" "What the hell do we do?" "Maybe we should hide." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Surprise." "So we came together to... intervene in your life." "I suppose." "With the help of an expert, who..." "Who's on his way." "What with the car and everything..." "The..." "Not that the car was the main thing." "We wrote down some pretty heavy stuff, which we'll be reading." "Aloud." "They called us in Phoenix." "Last we knew, you had tennis elbow." "Now this." "I was sure that there had been some mistake." "You look peftectly wondeftul, darling." "Strong and healthy." "I think it's bull, man." "Certified grade-A caca." "Tea?" "Well, you boys sure screwed this one up." "Okay, now." "Now, don't worry." "Don't-don't-don't worry, darling." "We'll stay." "We'll stay." "And we'll play golf." "And we'll have a normal family time, right, Jack?" "Jack?" "He's coming back!" "Ah, shoot." "That's good." "Isn't that good?" "It's better than leaving." "Could I see you a moment, please?" "Christ..." "You said that we were going to go through the attic." "I came here to make nice." "Make love, if I got unspeakably lucky." "You almost killed yourself, Michael." "Oh, so I have a drink once in a while!" "Common American pastime." "What is the god damned deal?" "Is that why I'm sleeping on a rented sofa in town?" "Is that it?" "So you and your newamore can sip Ovaltine together to get in the mood?" "I get shelled for some Evian-guzzling..." "Hi, there!" "Thank you for coming." "Here, I..." "Oh." "Excuse us." "Don't mind us." "We're sorry." "We're just going up the..." "path, don't..." "Doctor said anyone in your life who would make a difference." "How can the shrink not be here?" "He's on his way." "Everything's under control." "In what universe?" "I am so happy to meet you." "I have known Artie since he was a little boy." "Never exactly the ladies' man, but, clearly, he's matured... as have we all." "Can someone get that, please?" "!" "Sure thing." "She is just an amazing choice as an invitee to this... whatever the hell it is, because, to tell you the truth, she basically drinks me under the table..." "It's all right." "All right?" "We're both free agents now." "Christ." "I don't want to be free." "She was a blip." "A crime of..." "Oh, for God's sake." "What can I do to make it right with you?" "What?" "Come inside." "I can't." "Yes, you can." "I don't want anything else to happen to you, okay?" "I am so sorry." "Go inside." "Go on." "In any case, he's currently under sedation." "I know this makes it an extremely problematic situation for you, but... but there's a technique I can take you through." "If you..." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Are you there?" "Hello, all." "Welcome to the fun house." "Mom." "Hello, sweetheart." "Dad." "So, how was your flight?" "Your mother is a wreck." "She brought her entire wardrobe." "You a rummy like they say, or what?" "I stole some of those nuts that you like when the attendant wasn't looking." "Not that they ever are." "Thank you, Mom." "I don't think so, Dad... but it seems as though I'm in the minority here." "Hey, pal." "Hell of a way to get back at someone for a little front-bumper damage." "The doctor's not coming." "He has a patient who tried to kill himself." "They're trying to stabilize him... now." "He said we could start without him." "Read the sentences." "Maybe he could make it a little later." "Maybe." "This... this is the guy that... you put all your trust in?" "He helps people that try to hang themselves?" "It's pills, I think... not hanging." "Did you research the guy, or was it a Yellow Pages kind of thing?" "Dr. Trent came highly recommended." "Tri-Borough is an excellent hospital." "We were lucky to get him!" "He has a long list of..." "People who try to kill themselves?" "Now-the-fuck what?" "I don't know about anyone else, but I'm starving." "We have deli." "All right, folks, let's move it out." "My parents didn't come all the way from Phoenix for deli, did they?" "Did they?" "Come on, I know a good place." "Come on." "Oh, I just love it here!" "That's why I keep up my membership, Mom." "So are we just eating here, or are we doing the thing here?" "We could do "the thing" here." "They do weddings, bar mitzvahs..." "It's an event kind of place." "May I take your beverage order, Miss?" "I'll have a Stoli straight-up, with a twi..." "Scratch that." "Water's fine." "And you, sir?" "Yeah, uh, water." "Whatever." "Water." "Water's good for me." "Oh, come on." "Don't let me cramp anyone's style here." "Mom, how about a glass of Chablis?" "Mm, that would be nice." "Evelyn..." "What?" "All right, I'll have a vodka." "Who are you, exactly?" "Caroline's a friend, Dad." "Oh, I thought she was Artie's little..." "I'll have a gin and tonic." "What kind of friend?" "Now, Jack, I don't think we should pry." "Why the hell not?" "I like to be clear." "I haven't been clear since I got off the damn plane." "Caroline's someone I met, Dad." "Phoebe also, she..." "Relationships..." "a world unto their own." "I thought you might be Michael's personal trainer." "Oh, please." "Well, we know how you like to stay in shape, honey." "Look, I don't really have to be here." " So..." " I could drive you home" "I mean, if I can go first, do my spiel and then..." "No, you should stay." "Everyone should stay." "It's fine." "Everything is fine." "Could I have a spritzer, please?" "What is wrong with you?" "What?" "You don't drink!" "Yes, I do!" "On special occasions." "I'm going to have a diet Coke." "I mean, if everyone's okay with that." "Mike, so that you know, you can drink today if you want." "For God's sake!" "I'm only saying what the guy said on the phone!" "He said to keep things as normal as possible." "You're not supposed to encourage him!" "I'm not encouraged." "I can handle it." " We're not doing this right." " Sure, you are." "Here I am." "Got my ass glued to the chair." "Doing my damndest to see this from your point of view." "Christ..." "I hit a tree." "You call some dingbat shrink, you set up this dog-and-pony show." "Look, I don't want to put a damper on this or anything, but in my opinion, all you lovely, lovely people overreacted." "The doctor said that it was a cry for help, Mike." "That's funny." "I thought it was a car accident." "He said you'd downplay it, maybe you'd get defensive." "Well, what did he say I wouldn't say?" "Because I want to be original here." "He said you'd fight us the whole way." "The goal at the end of this is for you to get help." "And if you don't, for all of us to say and mean..." " we're done with you." " Oh..." "This is serious business." "It's not a day out at the club." "Okay, now I know." "Always good to know the parameters." "Lunch, anyone?" "The doctor called and said we should start without him." "Now-or-never type of thing." "Stuart's going to be the moderator." "At least, there were no other volunteers, so..." "Do you know that song?" "No, but you do." ""Long before I knew you, long before I met you," "I was sure I'd find you, someday, somehow."" "And I did." "How about a dance?" "Come on, I'm facing the music here." "One dance, then I'm yours." "They're waiting, and we can't start without you." "It is a nightmare, that table." "And you're the guest of honor." "Come on." "Oh, God, I brought it with me." "I know I did." "Uh..." "Uh... hmm." "Just say it." "From memory?" "Yes." "I had details." "I need notes I rely on." "Then give up your fuckin' turn." "No." "Everyone has to have a turn." "Well, I'll go." "It's not your turn, Evelyn." " I don't mind." " It's not your turn, Evelyn." "I don't mind." "They're going counterclockwise." "I-I don't mind." "I'll go." "Which way would the big hand go if it were going around backwards, Evelyn?" "I'll have that Chabl is now, please." "Okay, okay, I'll go." "I'll do it." "Uh, basically, it went something like..." ""You screw up at work You're a screwup."" "That's it?" "You're writing the freakin' Encyclopedia Britannica, and..." "I was writing an outline of the argument." "When I was on the debate team at Ohio State," "I was really good at the opening presentation, but when it came to the back-and-forth after, it was like the connection between my brain and my mouth just shut down." "There was this blackness." "Everything got very muddy and..." "Excuse me." "Yeah?" "This isn't your intervention." "Sure, I'm sorry." "Even though you're obviously way more fucked up than he is." "Can he talk to me like that?" " Is that okay?" " No, no." "No one can talk to anyone." "This is not a dialogue." "This is not a discussion." "We each say our piece, and then we're done." "I think you drink because you are trapped by the Western concept of success as a ladder we must climb in order to justify our existence." "Excuse me, Miss, I know you're not from here, but success happens to mean a great deal in this country." "I appreciate this country far better than you, I am sure." "I can recite the Constitution and its amendments in ascending or descending order, whichever you prefer." "Simply put, you're reckless." "You destroyed my car." "I wrote:" "I've always been very proud of you." "Which was a very important part of my life." "And I always will be." "You're a screwup." "In my opinion, sobriety is an extremely overrated state of mind." "You're incapable of drinking..." "You're top of the pops." "...and functioning responsibly." "King of the road, pal." "...which makes you a danger to yourself..." "Don't go changing a hair." "...and society." "That's all I got to say." "That's because you've had four cocktails." "Screw you!" "Sit down." " You screw up at work." " Bottom line:" "I don't think you should drink and drive." "I don't get it." "But it's not as bad as destroying yourself." "Period." "And just remember..." "Didn't have to write that." "...hall monitor." "Mom..." "Yes, dear?" "Don't do this." "You're not supposed to comment until you've heard everyone out." "Don't be so modest." "He had a little accident his first day at school." "Maybe it was the excitement or the prunes I put in his cereal for regularity." "In any case, I ran right over with a fresh little pair of pants." "And because he was so brave, his teacher made him hall monitor." "And he got to make all those little monsters who were laughing at him be quiet... and stop calling him names like "Stinky."" "And he marched them single-file..." " Evelyn!" "...straight down to the cafeteria and then he separated the hot lunch from the sack kids." " Evelyn!" " And then he made them stand..." " Evelyn!" " Oh!" "There was a restaurant we went to a while ago." "You didn't realize they hadn't gotten their liquor license yet, and you did your best the whole time we were there." "It was as though you were counting the seconds until we could leave and you could have that after-dinner drink..." "or three." "And there'd be more to say and more to feel." "It wasn't enough without that extra something to ease the burden of it just being us." "That about wrap it up?" "Wait." "There's, um, there's something else I have to say." "Stuart!" "Get off, man." "Get off of him!" "I'm saving his life." "I know Heimlich." "He's having an asthma attack." "He's choking!" "I know Heimlich!" "What's your problem?" "Help me out, will ya?" "Put his arms up above his head." " All right, listen, deep breaths, all right?" " I didn't finish." "Relax." "It's all right." "Just take it easy." "I'd do anything..." "No, no, no." "Take it easy." "Relax!" "I..." "I..." "I love your wife!" "Oh, for God's sake!" "I deserve her." "She, she understands." "Is he the one?" "She... she understands." "Was it him?" "This is ridiculous!" "Michael!" "Hey!" "Michael!" "Michael!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Oh!" "I love your wife!" "I love her!" "My cake!" "I've never been thrown out of a place in my life." "He used to sleep over." "I made him waffles." "I'm going to kill him." "No." "Come on, Michael." "Listen." "Hey, you did great, you know?" "You sent him to the hospital." "Took him out, buddy." "Where you guys going?" "This, this moderator guy is making it with your wife?" "Okay, okay." "Leave me alone!" "No!" "No way!" "Mike!" "Okay, you're angry." "He hates us." "I know." "Oh!" "Fuck it..." "Here." "What?" "Guys, I'm heading back." "Do you want this?" "We're..." "What the fuck were you thinking?" "It was all Stuart." " It was his idea." " Oh, bullshit!" "It was." "Who made sure the blonde showed?" "Well, they nominated me." "And my parents." "What, are we in the fifth grade?" "How'd you like the hall monitor story?" "My wife and my friend!" "Did you know that they were?" "No..." "Mikey." "Michael, listen to me." "Listen to me, all right, Mike?" "People sometimes are unfaithful." "All right?" "I mean, even my wife, even Marjorie, Marjorie..." "Marjorie what?" "We went to Charleston;" "her grandmother's birthday." "Marjorie has this cousin." "They went on this long walk." "Nobody knew where they were, and I don't..." "Your wife made it with her cousin?" "You know the South." "Kids get born with, like, 12 toes." "What are you doing here?" "Nothing." "I'm just here." "Anyway, she went on this walk with him, you know?" "And when she came back, she... smelled different." "I mean, you know... that fishy smell?" "Ugh!" "And afterwards, I just..." "I couldn't," "I couldn't even go near her for weeks." "Jesus." "I couldn't go near Linda for five months." "Linda?" "The lovely Linda?" "Yeah, it was a stupid night." "Atlantic City." "I went down with some drummer." "There was this club and this dancer and she did all her dancing in my lap." "I know." "I know." "It sounds seedy." "But man, this girl could put both her legs right behind her head, right behind my head." "I mean, this girl was incredible." "She was, she was the pretzel." "Oh, God." "Sorry." "Go ahead." "Sorry." "Afterwards, with, uh, Linda, I felt so guilty," "I-I just couldn't." "Uh, uh, I mean, I tried everything." "I-I even pretend ed she was a dancer." "I... nada." "Nothing seemed to work." "Are you saying you couldn't get an erection for five months?" "Is that what?" "I am just asking, okay?" "Where have we been?" "Cousins, lap dancers..." "What happened to telling each other every damn thing?" "Every tiny fucking step forward?" "Sitting around talking breasts?" "Naked, blinding breasts." "That first trip down that dark tunnel of mystery... paradise." "Lisa Fentner." "Lisa fuckin' Fentner." "All right, who's Lisa Fentner?" " I lost it to her." " Me, too." "Yeah, but he was the first." "Yeah, but then he told her how cool we were." "I never told her anything." "She just liked you guys." " Yeah, but she liked you first." " Yeah." "Never had her." "What?" "What do you mean?" "I never had her." "Then what were you doing with her?" "Saving myself." "Brenda Nichols." "Brenda Nichols?" "!" "Yeah, now she was awesome, right?" "No, she we called Monkey Girl." "She had one eyebrow across her forehead." "She knew "Ode on a Grecian Urn" by heart." " Huh?" " Keats." " Who?" "She told it to me line by line." "She taught me how to feel it, how to know it." "What?" "Beauty." "What else?" "Aw, screw you." "This whole time Lisa Fentner and you were hung up on Monkey Girl?" "!" "Screw you, dipshit?" "Why don't you call the freakin' fun police on me, huh?" "Ah!" "God!" "It's not fair!" "You guys have this past." "What?" "I don't have a past with anybody." "I don't have a friend in the fuckin' world like you guys." "Sure, you do." "Well, you m..." "Ah, you don't even like me." "I could learn." "You could?" "Sure." "Come here." "Come on." "All right, all right." "You want this or not?" "!" "Take the car." "I'll get a cab back." "I don't like this." "You don't want to go in there, Michael." "What a day, what a night." "God, you guys." "Maybe he could stay at your place." "Take a train in the morning?" "Sleepover." "I haven't done that since..." "God, bunk beds." "All right I had you pegged all wrong, pal." "You are cool." "You're my hero." "See you in the smoking section." "Good night, Bert." "You guys should look me up sometime." "I'm listed." "I was going to be unlisted and then I thought, "Who's going to find me?"" "Yeah, I am a changed man!" "I really am." "Ah, I hope it lasts." "Just get in the car!" "Yeah, I'm coming." "I'm coming." "How's the arm?" "Where's your wife?" "Michael..." "Where is she?" "Beth!" "He didn't tell you, did he?" "Michael..." "Want to know how I know?" "He wouldn't give up soccer until he knew he'd made track." "Play it safe, right?" "That's you, isn't it?" "Beth!" " Where is she?" " Michael..." "I want to tell your wife what you freaking did to me." "Let go of me." "Let go of me." "Come here." "I want to show you something." "Beth left me... five months ago." "Took the kids." "It was a long time coming, and it came." "You mind if I sit down?" "I'm on pain medication for my shoulder, which for the record, you successfully popped from its socket." "You've been hiding out here alone?" "You've been screwing my wife for five months?" "I never screwed your wife." "Well, what the hell were you doing with her?" "Jogging." "What?" "One morning after Beth left," "I was jogging and crying." "Phoebe noticed, and I told her everything." "We found we had a lot in common." "I can't fucking believe this." "One morning after that... we kissed each other good-bye." "And I held her." "She didn't pull away." "And by the time she did, I loved her." "You can't love her." "What on Earth do you have in common with my wife?" "Losing you." "She's just adjusting to it." "I saw it coming." "I don't know..." "I think you stopped being the genuine article a long time ago." "I don't know what the hell you're talking about." "I think you do." "I tried telling her to stay with you." "I realized... my heart wasn't in it." "I don't need you on my side, okay?" "I'd say the best things in your god damned life walked right out on your sorry ass..." " What's that?" " What?" "That... uh... thing." "Gun thing." "It's a gun." "You shooting cans in the yard?" "Moose?" "I got mugged outside of Columbia Presbyterian one night." "I..." "I figured I'd be prepared if there was a next time." "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "No wife, no kids, I despise you;" "you'll never get my wife;" "why don't I hold onto it?" "What do you want it for?" "I don't want it." "I fucking hate guns." "I just think may be I should..." "Trust me..." "I'm not planning on shooting myself." "Okay." "Okay." "Good." "Glad to hear it." "Thanks for the concern." "You shouldn't have kissed my wife." "No matter how much you wanted to." "Still should be something said for friendship." "Even if the last time it was alive and well you were handing me off the fucking baton." "There still should be something said for it." "You got anything to..." "Liquor's in the living room." "I was going to ask you if you have anything to eat." "I don't trust you, buddy." "Hit the ball, Evelyn." "You're not playing the Open here." "Never felt so stupid." "All those people, their little papers." "In my day, you drank, you kept it to yourself." "Didn't have a gabfest about it." "What can I say, Dad?" "They certainly never would've invited you out for a gabfest." "Not that... not that it isn't good to see you." "'Cause it is." "Hit the ball, Evelyn." "Ah." "There we go." "You know, sometimes they say it's genetic." "What's that, Mom?" "I just don't want you to blame yourself." "For what, Mom?" "Why shouldn't he blame himself?" "It's his life." "He made it." "He should lie in it." "I think it's "bed," Jack." "What?" "Bed." "Lie in his bed." "What are you talking about?" "Alcoholism." "What about it?" "Sometimes they say it's in the genes." " Not my genes." " Ha!" "Not mine." "Oopsie." "Bent your right arm." "Didn't keep your head down." "Rocked your hips." "Right." "You forget that uncle you had, Jack." "Very serious drinker." "He was in a bus station once, not a thing under his raincoat." "He was buck-naked." "And what did he do?" "He opened it up in front of some young drum majorettes." "Stupid stories." "You want to talk heredity?" "I'd look at those pills you pop like they're MMs." "Please don't do this." "I have a medical condition." "Even the doctor said..." " Nerves." " A genuine medical condition." "Everyone has nerves." "Giving in... that's what he inherited from you." "Your whole family, silver spoons hanging out of their mouths." "Nobody on my side had a time-out in mental hotels." "Dad!" "A spa, Jack." "A natural hot springs spa." "We had jobs." "Your people babied you." "You babied him." "Made him as dizzy as you are." "He's doing the best he can, Jack." "For someone with a drinking problem," "I think he's doing very well." "I can't find it anywhere." "The heir and the spare." "What's that, Dad?" "Nothing." " Tell me." " It was over here, right?" "You don't want to hear it." "Yeah, I do." "Come on, you've got the proverbial ball rolling here." "Go for it." "Pinning all our hopes on you." "What about it?" "That was our mistake." "Mistake?" "Those kings in the old days." "Got their heir to the throne, also had a bunch of other kids." "The heir goes down, there's a backup." "She knows what" "I'm talking about." "She was too frail." "Postpartum thing, she almost jumped out a window." "Couldn't risk having another." "If we had..." "maybe he'd have known what he was doing with his life... made us proud." "You wanted to hear it." "You'd think... strangers would feel this strange together... not..." "You should spend some time with a pro." "Work on that chip shot." "You know, I think we have something going for us here." "I am not my father." "Puts us way ahead of the game, don't you think?" "I didn't know my old pal was such a great kisser." "But he is a good man, and I understand why you turned to him." "Wasn't such a great kiss, and it was never him." "It was always someone else." "Nobody real." "Not yet, anyway." "Hard to find someone willing to take on the load" "I'm going to be." "Wasn't sure what to do when I first found out." "A baby?" "When were you going to tell me?" "I mean, if I hadn't had just showed up here right now..." "I don't want to stay together because of it." "I want to feel the joy of it." "I don't want to miss that." "Pheeb... please." "I can't have two kids to take care of." "Would you give me a chance, please?" "Where you going?" "Where you going?" "You should get some sleep." "Take better care of yourself." "A kiss?" "That's it?" "All this drama for a fucking kiss?" "Can we focus on the matter at hand, please?" "I don't get what's the big." "So he's not home?" "Yeah, he probably went back to the city." "His car is at his house." "So he went for a walk." "She said he's been gone for three hours." "So he's taking a long walk." "I don't get what you're so freaked out about." "No one knows where he is." "And he has my gun." "How on God's earth did he get a gun?" "Hold on!" "Hold on." "You know what?" "You're the reason that we screwed this whole thing up in the first place." "I mean, we booked you, $200 an hour." "You..." "You had an obligation." "What did you get your degree in?" "Farming?" "Don't you talk to me like that." "My patient's on life support." "I'm not myself." "He's not himself." "Ah, terrific." "Now then, if I were you," "I'd do my best to find him as soon as possible." "I don't know why, but suicide seems to be in the air tonight." "What did he say?" "Forgive me." "Bad word." "Bad choice of words." "Please disregard it." "Can you do that?" "I've got a technique I can take you through." "Oh, my-my God." "What did he say?" "What'd he say?" "Excuse me, the guy brought it up, the guy you hired!" "He's gonna take me through a technique." "It is not my fault that he stole my gun." "This all-consuming need to screw his wife." "That had nothing to do with my professional assessment." "Oh, eat me." "That's how you came up with the whole idea in the first place." "He was so on to you." "What are you talking about?" "You know what." "Playing God." "Setting us up as his judge." "Who the hell are we to judge?" " Even if you did it subliminally..." " Look, we're gonna find him, we're gonna go street by street." "Stuart, you just went around in a circle." " Stop the c..." " Pull over and let me drive the car." "Some enchanted evening" " He's right there." " Where?" "There!" "You may see a stranger..." "Getting to know you" "Getting to know all about you" "Getting to like you" "Getting to hope you like me?" "You ever seen him like this?" "He's just loaded." "That's all." "Hey, Mikey." " Hey, pal." " Oh." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Whoo!" "It's the team!" "Where you all been?" "You wanna warm up?" "Not right now, buddy" "We're a little worried." "Stuart's lost his gun." " See, we were wondering..." " Yeah if maybe you had it." "Yeah." "This, you mean?" "That would be it." " Don't wave the gun around, pal." " Michael..." "Yeah, give it to us, Mikey." "I want you to forgive me for whatever pain" "I may have caused." "I was outta line and for that I'm extremely sorry." "Please, give me the gun." "I get it." "You think I'm gonna blow my brains out." "That's what you think." "I get it." "Count 'em." "All six." "Right here." "You really think I'd walk around with a loaded pistol in my pocket?" "What are you, nuts?" "What are you, whacko or something?" "Yeah." "I guess so." "Guess we were." "Aw, forget it." "Oh, come on, let's do the big cheer-o-la, huh?" "What do you say?" "All right." "Let's go." "Let's huddle." "Why don't we take you home, Michael?" "You're tired." "What, are you kidding me?" "I'm wide awake." "Come on." "Let's-Let's huddle." "Here we go." "Why do we run?" "Why do we run?" "For the team, buddy." "You betcha." "How do we win?" "Together." "How far can we go?" "Come on, say it." "How far can we go?" "Forever." "Damn straight." "For-fucking-ever." "Yeah!" "Okay." "How about we take you home, huh?" "What do you say?" "Come on." "That's not very exciting." " Home." " Come on." "Car's right over there." "All right." "You can walk on your own." "He can walk on his own." "Let's go." "Now this is exciting." "We got five little sluggerinos going bye-bye." "We got one in here." "Hell..." "Who wants to go home?" "What are you doing, pal?" "It's early." "I don't want to go home." "Hey, you guys want to race?" "Got the old starting gun." "Uh-oh." "Can't start yet." "Well..." "I'm gonna warm up." "Michael!" "Michael..." "Stop." "You're gonna hurt yourself." "Dr. Doom." "Doom and gloom, gloom and doom..." "Come on, buddy!" "We're really sorry about the whole deal." "It was a really bad deal." "We're really, really sorry." "Really, really, sorry, sorry." "What a dummy." "What a waste." "Aw, you're getting cut, dude." "No loser dummies on my team." "You on my team?" "I may as well shoot myself in the foot." " Michael, no!" " No!" "No!" " Phew!" " Jesus Christ, Mike" "Michael." "Let me help you." "Let me take you somewhere where you can get help." "Oh, screw you!" "You kissed my girl behind my back." "For that I'd say you deserve to lose your balls." "Or your life." "Which'll it be, huh?" "Whoa, whoa." "Wait!" "Michael!" "Stop it!" "All right, that's it." " That's it." " Oh, God..." "I'm not dealing with a raving lunatic!" " Oh, fuck you!" " We should get" " out of here." " We're not leaving him here." " Why not?" "!" " Whoo!" "Team's running... running in the wrong direction." "We ain't gonna win like that." " No, Mike." " Team running the wrong way." "Mike!" "Hey!" "Jesus, come on, Mike!" "What's happening?" "!" "What is wrong with you?" "!" "Don't try anymore." "We gotta get out of here." "Mike?" "Buddy?" "I'm begging you now." "Okay." "I'll run with you." "Okay?" "The right direction." "Just give me the gun." "What are you crying about?" "We love you." "We don't want anything to happen." "Oh, you never want anything to happen!" "God!" "You know what that makes me feel like doing?" "Mike." "Whoa." "Come on." "What are you?" "Michael!" "Shooting my heart out." "Don't!" "Michael!" "Back off!" "Mikey, no!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, God." "Whoo!" "Damn you!" "That's five." " Whoo!" " Michael, listen to me." "Okay?" "You've got to stop." " He's too far gone." " Oh, fuck you!" "Look, he's a fool..." "He's a damn useless idiot!" "Ah!" "I got talent!" "I got a talent for life!" "You lost it." "All of you!" "Aw, shit!" "You never had it." "You couldn't keep up with me." "Always something holding you back." "Well, look at you now." "Take out the trash, say your prayers, land of the fucking faded!" "I drink too much?" "Fuck you!" "I'd rather have my life any day." "Shit!" "If I had to be like you, you know what I'd do?" "Oh!" "No!" "Michael!" "No!" "Mike!" "Come on, please!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, man..." "I got to show you something." "Suckers!" "Bunch of dead ends!" "Dead!" "Dead before your time!" "Oh, please, God, save me from the dead ends!" "Show me the lights!" "Hey, hold up!" "Hey, I'm gonna give you one more chance." "You want to be on the team?" "I'll show you how." "I'll show you the lights." "Hey, come back here!" "Hey, I'm talking to you!" "Hey, fuckers, I'm talking to you!" "Where are you going?" "Come on!" "Aw, come back here!" "Dr. Trent?" "Yes." "Life-support failed about 20 minutes ago." "I'm very sorry." "Me, too." "Are you... a relative?" "I'm the guy they had the intervention for you never made it to." "Forgive me." "Can I help you in any way?" "Actually, I wish I could've talked to him." "I beg your pardon?" "Maybe he could've filled me in on a few things." "Tell me why someone would go to such lengths." "And if you come back from there, how do you find another way to..." "look at things?" "Ah." "You know, it's never just about the drinking." "That's what I've been trying to tell them all, for God's sake." "It's about something to look forward to, right?" "I used to have things:" "The next race, the next girl, the next drive, someplace I'd never been." "I couldn't wait to get up in the morning." "The future looked good." "The past creeps up on you, though." "The future gets smaller." "Things get... gray." "I like the colors, see?" "You have a few drinks, no gray anymore." "You're up." "I mean, people like me up." "They used to, anyway." "Life as it is... plain old life..." "I don't know." "Little things." "I know you're supposed to like the little things." "Little things are..." "God, they're little for me." "I guess I've been this way so long that if I stopped, I'd..." "I'd..." "I'd be, uh..." "I don't know." "Hi." "Hi." "I wrote down where I'll be." "That guy Trent's checking me in." "Sixth floor, no view, no cocktails." "Very unpopular vacation spot." "They don't allow visit ors the first two weeks." "But after that, if you're in the neighborhood..." "I'll be there." "If it's easy." "You are a very beautiful woman." "And I guess if the child's anything like you, it's gonna be okay." "I guess that's all we can hope for." "For now." "The 8:05 to Manhattan-Penn Station is now arriving." "Come on, move it!" "All aboard!" "We thought we'd lost him." "Wrong shoes, wrong age." "Still, in his way, the one to beat." "Why do we run?" "Why do we run?" "For the team, buddy." "How do we win?" "Together." "How far can we go?" "Come on, say it." "How far can we go?" "Forever." "Damn straight." "Forever!"