"And, since we aren't big travelers, we weren't sure what to pack, so we packed everything." "We weren't going on vacation, though." "We were going to take care of the most recent item on my list :" ""Got Catalina kicked out of America."" "You see, recently, I was on a winning streak gambling." "No matter what I bet on..." "Hey, buddy !" "...I just couldn't lose." "You can't lose, Earl." "But I got so caught up in gambling, I forced Catalina to drive without a license and get pulled over." "She was too worried about her boobs escaping to make an escape of her own, and she was deported." "You have to believe me." "I am an American." "McDonald's !" "Disneyland !" "Jim Belushi !" "And, because of me," "Randy lost his chance to finally tell Catalina how he felt about her." "You think Catalina's been robbed... or murdered ?" "Or gone out on a date ?" "Any of those would be my worst nightmare but, if I had to pick one, I guess I hope she gets robbed." "We'll keep our fingers crossed, Randy, but I wouldn't worry." "I mean, it's her own country." "She's got to have friends down there." "How come you always get to be the bandit ?" "'Cause, when you're the bandit, you always cave in when women cry and beg for the lives of their children." "Plus, I have the mustache." " My mother could be the bandit." " Shut up, cleaning lady." "Lots to do today on my list." "You and your stupid list." "Numero ochenta y seis :" ""Steal the donkey from a one-legged girl."" "You tip over the girl, I'll get the donkey." "Since the draw string handles on Randy's luggage had already broken, and I didn't want the same thing to happen to mine, we decided to get a proper suitcase." "Unfortunately, my ex-wife still had mine." "Listen, Joy, I to get that suitcase my dad gave me for my 18th birthday." "We don't have a lot of time, so I don't want to fight about it." "Lemonade ?" "It's pink flavor." "What did you do to it ?" "Hey, sweetie pants, the world is filled with sunshine and pink lemonade if you'd just learn to trust people." "I'll get the suitcase." "Oh, and Randy, I made a gingerbread house this morning." "You can nibble on the roof if you want." "Hey, fellas." "Hey, Crab Man." "What's up with Joy ?" "Her lady lawyer put her on some prescription medication to make sure she doesn't lose her temper in court." "You know how sometimes people say, "Take a chill pill" ?" "Joy did." "I wish she was taking those pills back when you were married to her." "Me, too." "All she ever took back then was cough syrup and strawberry wine." "Made her horny for ten minutes, then she'd just get pissed." "If I wasn't quick enough in bed, I'd get punched in the junk." "Yeah." "When it gets towards nine minutes, I try to get behind her." "Is that George Clooney standing in my living room ?" "Randy, your hair looks great." "Are you doing something different like the movie stars do ?" "I slept on my left side instead of my right." "And then, in the morning, it was itchy back here, so I did this." "Well, it is working for you, sugar butt." "I tell you, if there was a Perfect Ten magazine for ex-brother-in-laws, they'd put you on the cover." "Suitcase !" "Suitcase." " Man, those are some powerful pills." " Yeah." "Unfortunately, Mr. Turtle got ahold of one." " I have to keep flipping him." " We finally made it to the airport, and it turns out airport people ask a lot more questions than bus people." "How many individuals are flying ?" "Two." " And when would you like to depart ?" " Whenever's good for the pilot." "I mean, we're ready to go now, but whenever the pilot's ready to go." "Would you like a window seat or an aisle seat ?" "I want a chair seat." "Either one's fine." "Passports ?" "Past sports ?" "Hmm." "Uh... well, played a little baseball, and some soccer as a kid." "No, sir." "To leave the country, you both need passports." " Identification." " Oh, passports." "I think you only need those if you're a foreigner." "We're American." "Turns out even Americans need passports, so we went to the passport office where we filled out a few forms and got our pictures taken." "And they only had one requirement when you get your picture taken:" "You had to keep your eyes open." "Which I could never seem to do." "Come on, Earl." "I'm trying, Randy." "Then Randy had an idea." "Perfect." "Your eyes are brown." "They look green in this picture." "Uh.. yeah." "I, uh..." "I recently had a double eye transplant." "They're from a pig." "Uh, they tried to find one with green eyes but, well, unfortunately, they save those for famous people." "Okey dokey." "While me and Randy were having trouble getting to Catalina's village, she was having trouble getting used to life back at home." "Why are you taping that old lady to a chair ?" "I kidnapped my friend's mother." "He is sick of living with her, so I'm going to make her smoke cigarettes until she dies." "This is the cruelest, most unjustified kidnapping I have ever seen." "How many have you seen ?" "Six or so." "Oh." "Why is everyone taking their shoes off ?" "They have make sure there aren't explosives in them." "Explosives ?" "Yeah." "It's happened." "Hey." "Whoo..." " Sir, come with me, please." " Hey, Earl, throw your shoes." "If they don't blow up, you get to go to the front of the line." "The good thing about going your whole life without ever having flown on an airplane is everything is new to you." "Hey, Earl, Sky Mall." "There's a mall in the sky." "If this plane stops there," "I want to get Catalina one of these hot dog cookers that cooks the buns and the wieners at the same time." "Doesn't say it's the perfect gift for the love of your life, but obviously it is." "I had always wondered how a big airplane like this could fly." "Turns out the ushers had their doubts, too." "In the event of an emergency evacuation, please calmly make your way to the emergency exit nearest you." "Damn." "Uh, sorry to bother you, sir, but it seems that our row is exactly in the middle of the two emergency exits, so we should decide now who should go to the front and who should go to the back if we have to get the hell out of here." "Sure." "We'll go to the front." "Uh..." "listen." "Is... ?" "We'll go to the back." "Good. 'Cause I already had it in my head that way." "And you'll tell her, right ?" "And, in the event of an emergency water landing, your seat may be used as a flotation device." "Um... excuse me ?" "Ma'am ?" "You... you just said my seat may be used as a flotation device." "Is that "may" be as in "can" be or "maybe" like "maybe yours will, or maybe yours won't" ?" "'Cause I didn't ask for a floating seat." "I would have, but that wasn't one of the choices." "All the seats float, sir." "And, if there's a crash on land, will these seat cushions break our fall ?" "Earl, be quiet." "You're going to get us thrown out." "And, in the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling." "That's it." "No, thank you." " This is my stop." " Earl !" "You know, you might try sprinkling in a few stories about what happens in the event the plane doesn't crash." "Since it turned out plane scare the crap out of me," "I was looking into other ways of getting to Catalina." "We could take a bus for the first 13 days, and it looks like it's all donkey from there." "Donkeys can swim, right ?" "Hey, you guys back from Catalina's already ?" "We didn't go." "Someone was afraid to fly." "Someone whose name rhymes with "girl," ""as in "sissy girl," who wears flannel shirts." "Do you still need more hints ?" "Because it's Earl." "Look." "I just don't understand how something that big can stay in the air." " The wings don't even flap." " Earl, it's okay to be afraid." "Fear is just your feelings asking for a hug." " I like the new Joy." " I don't." "I mean, I still enjoy her old hotness, but new Joy doesn't have any fight in her." "Those pills make her, like, Finland." "I didn't fall in love with Finland, Earl." "There was a reason Darnell was missing Joy's fight." "Their new neighbors wanted a bigger front yard, so they parked their double-wide closer to Joy and Darnell." "Honey, we're out of toilet paper !" "Too close." "Well, go to the store and get some !" "I can't really do that right now !" "Well, neither can I !" "I'm painting the coffee stains out of the mugs !" "Aren't you gonna do something ?" "Of course I am." "Here you go, sweetheart." "Be careful." "They have bleach in them, so they might burn a little." "Hey, wait." "If there's a pill that can make Joy not mean," "I bet there's a pill that can make you not a sissy." "Maybe I could break it up and put it in your apple sauce." "Shoot." "Why did I tell you that ?" "I know." "I'll just squish it in a banana." "Damn it." "I did it again." " Now I'm running out of fruits." " Randy, I can swallow a pill whole." "No." "I want to sneak it to you in something." "I hope the pill's small because I know how you love blueberries." "Crap !" "So, to get the pills, we went to the only doctor we knew." "So, Earl, Randy." "Says here that I haven't seen you boys since you were ten." "Well, you know, you get busy." "I haven't been seeing another doctor, if that's what you're worried about." " Do you still give out lollipops ?" " On the way out, if you're good." "So, Earl, I see you have some anxiety about flying." "Well, actually, more about crashing." "Crashing and dying." "I can write you up a prescription for a sedative that should help you." "Now, since you're going to Latin America," "I assume you've had your inoculations ?" " Here we go with the up sell." " Come on, now." "You want to make sure you don't get any diseases." " I'll just give you one shot." " No, no, no, no, no, no !" "No, thank you, Doc." "I..." "I don't like needles." "I'll just get whatever diseases they have down there." " I'm fine with that." " Just get the shot, Earl." "Don't be a wuss." "I'm not a wuss, Randy." "I just don't think I need..." "Whoops !" "That's a sharp one." "Earl, the love of my life is down there." "Plus, she's on your list." "You got to do this." "Why do I have to get the shot ?" "They got the diseases down there." "How come they all can't get shots ?" "Fine." "Do whatever you want." "I'm sorry, Randy." "I just think there's other ways we can..." "Ow !" "Son of a bitch !" "How did I not see that coming ?" "!" "So I took the pills, and me and Randy headed back to the airport to get on the plane." "But I was already flying." "Whoo !" "Check-in !" "Yep, these pills were something else." "I liked 'em." "And as the plane was about to take off," "I left the wild-ride-on-the-suitcase while screaming-at-strangers phase and entered the calm leeping-in-my-seat and-drooling-on-my-shirt phase." " Man, those pills are great." " Yeah, you've been asleep for hours." "I know, they knocked me out just before we took off and wore off right after we landed." "That's the way to fly, Randy." "Oh, we haven't flown yet." "But you just said I was out for hours." "You were." "But we've been sitting on the runway the whole time." "Something about mechanical difficulties." "Mechanical difficulties ?" "Yeah, there was a bright flash and I heard somebody scream." "They gave us animal crackers." "I ate yours." "Randy ?" "!" "I think we're taking off now." "They probably fixed it." "Give me the pills, Randy, I need more pills." "Well, they're in the suitcase, and the lady said it was under the plane." "But every time I open the door looking for the stairs, all I find is a teeny tiny bathroom." "Let me off !" "Stop the plane !" "Back it up !" "No, Earl, you're not supposed to stand up during take-off." "Those ladies did a whole play about it." "Earl !" "Hold it !" "Sir, we are in the air." "I can't let you off the plane this time." "I'll let myself off." "I know where the emergency exits are." "Sir, don't make me do this." "Ouch !" "Get the straps !" "We've got a biter !" "While I was struggling because I couldn't take my pills," "Darnell was struggling 'cause Joy was still taking hers." "Telephone !" "What ?" "!" "Telephone !" "Let the machine pick it up !" "You've reached David and Tina Hayes." "Leave a message." "Ciao." "Hello ?" "Hello ?" "It's your grandmother." "Are you home ?" "Pick up !" "I wanted to check on Christmas plans." "I could come there, but you'd have to come pick me up." "I can just feel the Rabinitzes are serving alcohol." "Are you serving alcohol ?" "If you are, I can't have it with the meal, 'cause..." "Are you gonna do something about this ?" " I guess I'll have to." " ...horrible !" "And is your husband's brother going to be there ?" "Ryan, is it ?" "He is just..." "Hello, people next door's grandma." "Don't worry about a thing." "We'll pick you up and bring you over for Christmas." "You're gonna have to do it, though." "I'm not supposed to drive on these pills." "After being tied up on an airplane for eight hours," "I was happy to walk on solid ground." "Which was good, 'cause we had about two miles of it on the way to the bus station." "Catalina's village is a five-hour bus ride." "And we have to get on the bus now 'cause it's leaving soon." "Okay, I just got to get something to eat first." "No, Earl, we don't have time." "But there's tacos, Randy." "You know how I feel about tacos." "It's the only food shaped like a smile." "A beef smile." " I'm going." " No, Earl, there won't be another bus going to Catalina's village until tomorrow." "So we have to get on that one." "We can eat when we get there." "That's easy for you to say." "You got to eat on the plane." "Put it down !" "I'm sorry, Randy, I got to get something to eat." "No, Earl, I can't let you do that." "I wasn't asking for your permission, Randy." "Um, I wasn't asking if you were asking, Earl." "We're not missing that bus just so you can get a taco." "You're right, Randy, I'm gonna get two tacos and maybe some of that freaky white soda they got." "Uh, excuse-o, por favor." "¿Mande?" "Uh... is this the end-o of the li... ?" "Ah !" "Let go, Randy !" "Not until you get on the bus !" "Quit dragging your feet, Earl." "This'll go a lot easier." "I want a taco !" "You bit me !" "Sorry, Randy, it had to be done." "Fine, I give up." "You can have your stupid taco when we get to Catalina's village." " Let go !" " No !" "Ah !" "You're splitting me !" "Then put me down !" "No !" "Randy..." "I'm getting a taco." "Damn it, Randy !" " Now I'm hungry and blind." " You're being such a baby." "You've been complaining the whole trip." ""Wah, wah, wah."" ""I'm afraid to fly."" ""I don't like needles."" ""I'm hungry and blind."" "Sorry, señor." "Ow !" "You hungry, baby ?" "You want a bottle ?" "Here, have your bottle, baby." "Randy, stop it !" " No, have a bottle, baby." " Randy, stop it !" " Have a bottle, baby." " Randy, I'm serious." "If you don't let go, I'm gonna kill you." "I swear." "That's gross." "We're getting on the bus !" "I want my taco !" "Oh !" "Not the 'stache !" "Not the 'stache !" "Not the 'stache !" "Not the 'stache !" "Drive." "Don't drive." "Drive." "Oh, why are you being such a jerk ?" "You're the one being the jerk." "You got Catalina deported, and now you're about to let some stupid taco cost me the love of my life !" "Here we go again, the love of your life." "Like you really have a chance with her." "He started it." "I know the word on the bus is I'm the jerk, but there was a whole lot of stuff that happened outside." "Is my mustache even ?" "'Cause that's something he did." "He yanked on it." "No, thanks." "You know what, actually I'm starving." "I think I will take a bite." "Thank you." "Looks like a Slim Jim, tastes like a donut." "That's brilliant." "Can't believe you guys are so poor." "This is gonna be great." "My brother's freaked out by birds." "Randy's been terrified of birds his whole life." "Little ones... big ones... even those talking ones people keep as pets." "Hey, Earl, did you see what that stupid bird..." "You know how when you let go of the end of a balloon and it goes flying around the room making a squealy noise ?" "Well, you're about to see a grown man do the same thing." "So, I sat back and waited for the Randy balloon to start flying." "But it never did." "He was sitting face-to-beak with an upside-down chicken and he didn't even flinch." "He was so focused on getting back the woman he loved, he wasn't scared of anything not the bird, not the shots, not the airplane... not even kicking my ass." "That's when I realized if Randy's love for Catalina was that strong, he could make anything possible." "So who was I to say he didn't have a chance ?" "You know what ?" "He was right." "I have been a baby and a screw-up." "He's been the one that's kept it together and figured out how to get everything done." "Yeah, you're right." "Maybe that's why I yelled at him." "I don't like being the one who screws up." "Exactly." "I couldn't handle feeling like a loser, so I was trying to make him feel like one." "You know what ?" "I got to tell him I'm sorry." "And from now on, if he can be brave and keep it together," "I can be brave and keep it together." "Gracias." "You." "Gringo." "Off the bus." "But my apology and bravery would have to wait." "Oh, oh, not the 'stache, not the 'stache, not the 'stache." "'Cause Randy was so focused on getting back the woman he loved, he also didn't notice his brother getting kidnapped." "I would've yelled, "I'm sorry," but there's a time to apologize and there's a time to keep your mouth shut and hope that the two crazy Latino dudes with guns don't shoot you." "Uh, i-if you guys are gonna kill me, I have a brother that you might run into." "Could you please tell him I'm sorry for all the stuff I said, and that" "I'm the one who ran over Crackers ?" "Cr-Crackers was our cat." "I guess I can apologize to Crackers after you kill me." "He's here." "Wait till he sees we have a gringo here." "Turns out their boss, Diego, had a real strong feeling about America." "At least what he knew about it from TV before his satellite broke in 1988." "Hey, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing ?" "Catalina always talked about how scary and superstitious her village was." "While I was learning about the scary," "Randy was learning about the superstitious." "Excuse me, do you mind if I take those flowers and that sandwich ?" "Normally I'd ask my brother if it was all right, but I don't know where he is." "No, please, take whatever." "Thanks." "I need 'em, 'cause I'm tracking down the love of my life, and the plane I was on didn't stop at Sky Mall." "Manuel !" "Mi hijo !" "Those things that you hold are from our shrine, dedicated to our son, Manuel, may he rest in peace." "The sandwich isn't what killed him, is it ?" "No, it was a scooter." "The charity that dropped off toys that year didn't send helmets." "Whoever eats the sandwich from the sacred shrine now carries the soul of the deceased inside him." "As the keeper of our son's soul, you must come with us to our home so we can have one final evening with our son." "An evening we never had." "I'm sorry I swallowed your son." "I can throw him up if you want me to." "But right now I'm busy looking for my friend Catalina." "Catalina from America ?" "You know her ?" "Catalina with the beautiful olive skin and silky hair that drapes around her creamy shoulders and comes to rest on her first-class, ample bosoms..." "Jesús ?" "Yes, we know her." "And I will take you to her, if you will give us one more night with our son." "I'll be your son for the night." "But I have a white mom back in America, and she can never find out about this." "Back in home, Darnell was having trouble of his own." "His neighbors had parked their house too close, and well, Joy wouldn't do anything about it, 'cause her deaf lawyer put her on happy pills to control her anger." "Can we at least shut the window when they're running the dryer ?" "I like it it feels like I'm being kissed by a thousand little bunnies." "Joy, I'm serious there's little pieces of clothes in my apple brown Betty." "Well, why don't you just take your little apple brown buns over there and tell 'em how you feel ?" "I tried, but you know being in the Witness Protection Program makes me uneasy." "I don't like it when strangers ask too many questions." "I brought these for you, and I wanted to ask you a favor." " Can you please..." " What are they ?" "Uh, lemon squares." "Is that powdered sugar on top ?" " Yes." " Did you make 'em yourself ?" "My name is Darnell Turner, and that's all it's ever been." "I just hope they give us back our plate." "Oh, Darnell, just let 'em keep it." "What good is a plate if you can't share it with your neighbor ?" "Joy, are you even in there ?" "Ow !" "I just got hit by a hot penny !" "Diego liked my American jeans so much, he took them." "You're a drug dealer, aren't you ?" "Uh, uh, no," " I'm not even a drug user." " So what are you, then, a roadie trying to score drugs for a rock band ?" "I seen it all." "You tell Billy Idol he's not gonna get" " his white wedding from here." " Look, I'm not a drug guy" "I'm just looking for my friend Catalina." "Catalina ?" "What's her last name ?" "I don't know, it's, uh, it's something Latin-ey." "Uh, it ends in "ez" or "illa."" "Tortilla ?" "You're here to help your friend Catalina Tortilla ?" "Uh, that-that might not be it, but she is my friend." "Pretty, long, dark hair, uh, loves to dance, a lot of jumping." "Catalina." "Catalina's my-my niece !" "Why didn't you say so ?" "Jump around." "I'm the cream of the crop I rise to the top" "I never eat a pig, 'cause a pig is a cop." "What a small world after all." "You're her friend, and Mario's her little brother." "Nice to meet you." "All right, we'll take you to see Catalina, but first we got to run a few errands." "Uh, th-they're not dangerous, are they ?" "I've been involved in a lot of crimes in my life, but this was my first time as an unarmed hostage in a Third World country." "Oh, man, they weren't lying." "It was the wrong address." "Let's send them a ham." "Spiral-cut ?" "Were you in there ?" "Yes, spiral-cut." "I knew karma wanted me to find Catalina and bring her back, but I also knew it didn't want me to help murder some poor guy just 'cause he was late on his goat payment." " I can't do this." " Why not ?" "He's a little guy, so you don't have to dig so deep." "I'm sorry, but I-I can't help you do bad stuff-- if I do, I got to put it on my list, and I don't want to get on another plane and come down here and make up for it." "Hey, list ?" "What list ?" "It's a list of everything bad I've done." "Getting Catalina deported's on there." "That's why I got to bring her back" "I got to cross her off." "And who made you write this list, your president, Señor Reagan ?" "No one made me do it" "I did it on my own after I learned about karma." "So I took a shot and told Diego everything I knew about karma." "I told him about how I was trying to make up for all the bad things I've done one by one." "So you say you learned about karma on American TV, huh ?" "That's when I knew I had him." "All right." "All right, I'll try it." "Even though you owe me a lot of money, I will no longer kill you." "Instead, the new Diego" " will kill your wife." " No, no." "Your children." "Nope." "'Kay, what, then ?" "How about a payment plan ?" "I choose that one." "While I was making Diego understand karma," "Randy was trying to understand what it meant to be a dead son." "Did you enjoy the flan ?" "You mean the yellow, slimy stuff I took one bite of and spit back out ?" "It was okay." "So what now ?" "You know." "I do ?" "Come on, Manuel, it is the same as every night." "More flan ?" "Tickle fiesta !" "Stop !" "I'm gonna pee !" "Let yourself go, my son-- it's the third floor !" "Seeing Catalina was gonna have to wait." "As bad as Diego was, there were worse bandidos in the area, and he had to keep watch and protect the village from them." "No, Alf was from the planet Melmac he's a alien." "I thought he was a monkey." "A monkey ?" "No." "He ate cats." "Why would a monkey eat a cat ?" "Your monkey ate my cat." "Fine, but at least my monkey wasn't sarcastic and cracking jokes all the time." "All that talk about monkeys at bedtime made me think of Randy." "I didn't know where he was, but I sure hoped he was okay." "Hey, Earl." "Yeah, Randy ?" "Do you think when everybody dies they come back as a sandwich ?" "I don't know, Randy, maybe." "After I die, if you ever see a peanut butter and baloney sandwich, eat it, because that's me." "Okay." "Earl ?" "Yeah, Randy ?" "Do you miss me ?" "Yeah, Randy, I do." "I miss you, too, Earl." "Cold." "Sí, Mami." "Randy wasn't the only one having a hard time sleeping." "Darnell found the neighbors' motion detector hard to ignore." "The next morning, Diego finally brought me to Catalina's village." "I thought the villagers would be surprised to see a pant-less American, but they were more surprised to see a friendly Diego." "Buenos dias !" "Ooh, tacos !" "Uh, do you think I could get my wallet back ?" " Maybe-maybe with my pants ?" " Yeah, of course." "How rude of me." "You stay here, get some tacos." "I'll go get Catalina." "I was excited about getting my pants back." "Between the cold air and the giant mosquitoes," "I had missed them quite a bit, but then I saw something I had missed even more." "Randy !" "Earl !" "You're okay !" "I'm okay." "Mami, Papi, this is my brother Earl." "Ah, my stepson !" "Oh." "I ate the soul of a dead child, and if you see one laying around, grab it-- tastes just like a sandwich, and you get to have tickle fights and pee on the floor." "Sounds great, Randy." "Listen," "I was dragged off the bus before I got to tell you this, but" "I'm sorry." "You're right, I was acting like a baby, and who am I to say you don't have a chance with Catalina ?" "In fact, her uncle just went to get her." "What ?" "I can't see her dressed like this." "You look cute." "I don't want to look cute, Mami, I want to look like a hero-- a big, sexy hero from America that came to save her." "Mi hijo..." "Stay out of my life, Mami !" "Teenagers." "Yeah, those are the rough years." "Thank you so much." "No problem." "And, again, sorry about farting on your lap, buddy." "It wasn't your fault." "Maria shouldn't have tickled you so hard." "Earl !" "Catalina !" "I can't believe you came all this way to get me." "Well, it was my fault you got sent down here in the first place." "I forgive you." "I forgive you." "And yes, I will marry you !" "What ?" "When my uncle told me that you will marry me so I could get my green card, I couldn't believe it." "He told you that ?" "What ?" "I'm sorry, did you want it to be a surprise ?" "No, it still feels like a surprise." "You are a true friend, Earl." "Thank you so, so much." "I didn't know how I was gonna get back." "Aw... it's beautiful, it's beautiful." "You mess things up, you fix it-- it's karma." "Look at that." "I'm proud to have worn your pants for 14 hours." "Randy !" "I am so happy !" "Me, too !" "Are you going to be the best man ?" "The best I can be." "No, Earl's best man at the wedding." "Who's Earl marrying ?" "Me, silly." "Isn't it amazing ?" "He is my hero." "While Catalina and Diego were out preparing my third unplanned wedding, I was trying to find Randy, whose feelings I'd accidentally hurt... again." "Randy !" "Randy !" "Look, Randy, it wasn't my fault." "Diego thought that was the plan." "She's my friend." "What was I supposed to do ?" "Oh, yeah ?" "Well, if you like her so much, why don't you marry her ?" "Oh, wait." "You are." "Walk with me, Pedro." "Look, it all happened too fast, Randy." "She was so happy, she started hugging me." "She was supposed to be hugging me." "This was my chance to be a hero and you stole it." "Randy, you can still be the hero." "We'll switch and you can be" " the one who marries her." " No !" "For me to have a chance, it needed to be perfect, Earl." "I needed to come in, save the day and sweep her off her feet." "Now I'm just gonna look pathetic and weird and I don't want to look pathetic and weird." "Come on, Pedro." "In Spanish, in Spanish, in Spanish..." "While I tried to find a way to get through to Randy," "Darnell was just trying to get through the day." "Hey, Tina, how much if I can get this cupcake in the trashcan from here ?" "Five bucks says you miss." "I'll split that cupcake with you, cupcake." "Joy, I need the old you back !" "I'm yin, you're yang." "Yin is nice, yang's a bitch !" "This house doesn't work without yang !" "Nothing Darnell said could snap Joy out of her drug-induced happiness." "But something eventually did." "Beer can !" "Oh, snapety, snap, snap, snap." "Excuse me." "We haven't officially met, but I'm Joy Turner from the trailer next door." "I passed you those bleach wipes for your fanny hole." "I hope you didn't take any skin off." "A little." "Good." "Listen, now, I know on the outside" "I look like a real sweetie sweetheart, but trust me, on the inside I'm 100% bitch." "I even have a T-shirt that says it." "I got it for a Mother's Day present." "Anyway, here's the thing." "My lawyer's got me taking these happy pills to control my anger, but since you just used my baby boy's head as a backboard for your little trashcan basketball game," "I'm gonna stop taking 'em and come back in three days when the happy wears off." "Look at that." "A real tree." "Mm !" "I love the smell of it." "Love it !" "Anyhoo, when these pills wear off," "I don't know exactly what's gonna happen, but I imagine it'll involve this beer can breaking out your teeth, your wife screaming at me to stop kicking you and your children crying after they see what I've done to your face." "Heck, I might even rip off one of your ears and make it into a little coin purse." "Okay, then, so I'll be back in three days to give you that Christmas ass-kickin' I promised unless you decide that now would be a good time to move this trailer." "It's a good time to move our trailer." "Oh, that is fantastic news." "And I'm sorry, but that little Santa over there shaking his tushy is absolutely adorable." "Take him." "Really ?" "Even though this was just a green-card wedding," "Catalina's village still followed all the town's traditions." "You see, this symbolizes how beautiful and admired a bride should be." "And that's to remind her not to get too full of herself." " Seems weird." " Oh, yeah ?" "And throwing rice at people makes a lot of sense, huh ?" "Wait till you see what you have to do." "In our little village, before a man is allowed to marry a woman, he has to pass three simple tests." "The first is to cross this beam without falling." "Sure, that makes sense." "Uh, excuse me a second." "I need to borrow my brother's shoes." "They have better traction for crossing beams." "What are you doing ?" "Just switch shoes with me and listen." "Randy, this is your chance to be a hero." "All I have to do is fail the test and you can step in and save the day." "That's a great idea, Earl." "And then after this, let's never travel again." "All right, now that you got the proper footwear," "I can tell you that this plank represents the straight and narrow path that you as a husband must follow." "Okay, bring on the leeches !" "The what ?" "Leeches." "They represent, I don't know, hookers and stuff." "Just don't fall in." "Hit it." "I really wanted to stay up on that plank and away from those leeches a whole lot, but not as much as I wanted Randy to be happy." "Damn it." "Whoa !" "Whoa-oa, whoa-oa !" "Whoopsy daisy !" "Leeches sucking my face !" "Leeches sucking my face !" "That's okay." "I can..." "No, wait, wait." "Earl, you know what ?" "The old me would have said "One and done," right ?" "But karma says, "Two out of three."" "To the hot coals !" "To give Randy his shot, I planned on stepping on the hot coals, and then stepping right back off." "What I didn't plan on was how hard it is to change direction on hot coals." "It burned like hell, but at least" "Randy was gonna be able to step in and be the hero." "I'm sorry, Catalina, but I guess I'm just not..." "Earl, this is your lucky day." "One out of three ?" "To the field of rakes !" "Diego said something about the field of rakes representing the careful dance of talking about your wife's weight." "But for me, it represented the last chance to help Randy." "Okay, that's it." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Catalina." "I gave him several chances and he just keeps proving himself not worthy." "But how am I supposed to get back to America ?" "Catalina ?" "Can I try and marry you ?" "You would do that ?" "To the pit of leeches !" "I was a little worried about Randy walking on that thin plank, 'cause I had seen him fall off sidewalks before, but if it meant rescuing Catalina, he could have danced on the head of a pin." "Yeah !" "And watching Randy cross those hot coals," "I realized he probably wouldn't have failed gym class if Catalina had gone to our high school." "Everything was going great for Randy." "And even when it didn't go great, nothing stopped him." "I did it !" "I did it !" "And in return for his sacrifice, Randy got to marry the woman he loved." "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You're a good friend." "He thought about telling his new wife that he loved her, but he didn't want to risk ruining his wedding day." "Thanks for letting me be the hero." "You been the hero all along, Randy." "I was just getting in your way." "That's so she doesn't get too full of herself." "Oh." "Yep, it was successful trip." "I was feeling happy, and not just 'cause of my airplane pills." "I was happy 'cause I helped bring Catalina back home and" "I helped get Randy closer to the woman he loved." "And I taught a bad guy about being good." "What happened ?" "Who took your pants ?" "Oh, man, that's my thing." "The same banditos who chopped off Mario's fingers." "This time they cut off his tongue." "They cut out your tongue ?" "I don't wanna talk about it." "How dare they do this to my nephew in my village." "They said because they heard you were nice now, the could do as they please." "Oh, did they ?" "Okay." "Well, forget karma." "New rule." "Do bad things and Diego happens." "Wolverine !"