"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "We'd like you to draw now..." "You should have a card if you haven't sawn it in half." "We'd like you to draw the world's first novelty teapot." "LAUGHTER it turns out." "you WERE listening!" "it was still in the middle." "Get drawing." "World's first?" "You mean we're inventing one or there is one we should know about?" "This is nice." "I like it when the class get on with..." "They're busy." "They're busy and quiet." "Teacher sits at the front texting her friends." "here's my handle..." "I'm a sugar bowl!" LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "How are you doing?" "Is anyone ready to show yet?" "I have." "I'm very pleased with it." "Is it an Indian goddess or a crab?" "yes." "Sorry." "I thought they have a lot of tea in India and their goddesses are a bit like that. so someone might have invented one with lots of spouts." "A multiple spouted teapot?" "You have to pretty much surround it with cups." "that's..." "The handle?" "The handle." "Does it come with a cream to treat scalding and burns?" "but it came in a society in which the burning of various members of it" "Rob?" "I've come up with a thing called "handy tea"." "this could be a goer." "so that will appeal to the youngsters." "But the rest of it..." "And I've called it "handy tea"." "Yes." "Which finger is that?" "The thumb." "That's weird." "It's a very long..." "Unless it's the left hand..." "Which has got five fingers!" "You're absolutely right." "Yes." "It's not anatomically correct." "LAUGHTER It's only a prototype." "It's not anatomically correct." ""Contents may differ upon delivery." "I think you'd have to agree there's something for everyone on that." "It's very wise of you to have signed it." "I would have nicked that idea." "I'd probably leave the recording now to capitalise on it." "what have you got?" "It's supposed to be an Egyptian character." "yes." "I thought you wanted something historical. but it pours out of its arm." "so I've made him wear a small tuxedo." "Fair enough." "And a little dicky bow." "for example." "You've signed it and put a copyright notice on it." "Just in case that isn't correct." "I've also now copyrighted mine." "Very good." "You have to put the date in if you copyright something." "Shit." "Do you think I should copyright mine or do you think... no." "I wouldn't bother." "Save the ink." "what have you got?" "What I've done is I've done a bloke with a beak." "yes." "You can fill the feet as well." "That's his arm and then it'll all come out of his beak." "That works." "that's the lid." "thin tea bags." "I think that's going to be a hell of a difficult thing to clean." "You shouldn't clean a teapot." "You don't clean a teapot." "You never clean a teapot?" "No." "Under no circumstances?" "Not under no circumstances." "Provided you only put tea in it." "OK..." "If it's used as a teapot." "Not if you couldn't find the loo one night!" "but I sense a hypothetical situation here. it's still got a bit of tea in it... you don't." "You're tired of being civilised and you want to go to the pub." "it's gone disgustingly mouldy." "the flavour you'd get if you didn't wash it for your next cup of tea too characterful." "There is an animal that uses the golden spiral shape to capture its prey." "will that help?" "Turning and turning in the widening gyre?" "Otters?" "Does that mean anything to you?" "Otters!" "LAUGHTER" ""The falcon cannot hear the falconer." Is it a cow?" "is it a cow?" "I thought you hadn't heard." "Sorry." "No. "The falcon cannot hear the falconer"?" "Is it a falcon?" "a falcon." "The gyrfalcon." "It uses that shape." "Its very strong centre part allows it to keep its head still." "I thought a falcon does that?" "No." "It flies round in a circle." "I thought he was on about the falcon and the mouse because the barley can't hear." "Say again?" "doesn't he?" "The mouse hunts the barley?" "yes." "You were talking about the falcon and what can't hear." "but the barley can't hear the mouse." "No." "but it doesn't." "He mimics his hunter." "Yeah." "there's not much it could do about it." "APPLAUSE that was a weird nightmare!" "obviously. should GM crops develop further than the mouse's capabilities." "Is that what mice say to each other?" "that it's deaf." Of course it does!" "It doesn't benefit the barley to not be eaten." "No." "It needs to be eaten." "Barley wants to be eaten." "Oh!" "That's why the fruit hangs on the tree and glows brightly and wants to be eaten." "Tart!" "but just doesn't use them." "Just hides them underground." "Maybe barley stalks mice." "You mean barley's a slut?" "um..." "LAUGHTER" "If everyone could roll their tongues for me..." "Very good." "Get a close-up on Graham." "What the hell...?" "LAUGHTER" "I think it's supposed to be an illustration of a child of two geniuses may not necessarily be a genius." "I don't know that it says that." "APPLAUSE rolling tongues - where does that gift come from?" "A fish." "I did." "And you gave an answer." "You avoided the trap to say "from your parents" and it's not." "Some people can do it and some can't." "you will be able to do it." "There are other things some people can do and some people can't like asparagus and urine." "it doesn't." "Maybe not ladies." "Mostly women don't have the problem." "Put your hand up if you've never noticed an effect of asparagus in the smell of your urine." "You've never noticed?" "Never." "You've hardly finished chewing..." "I know." "And then you're peeing and it stinks." "They used to call it..." "Other diners are pointing at you." "You should be doing that in the toilet!" ""That stinks and he's doing it in here!" They used to call it "housemaid's despair"." "the housemaid took the chamberpot. "Ow!" "I find..." "Maybe I'm wrong." "I find the smell of urine quite distasteful anyway." "but believe me... you need to see someone." "I don't." "There's something wrong with you." "You've got a disease." "Eugh!" ""I'll not drink that." "that would be something else." "I feel." "I leave it alone because I've just done it into a toilet." "that would be different." "Sugar Puffs made it smell of Sugar Puffs to me." "Anybody else?" "Yes." "Good." "isn't it?" "People are a lot more interested in their wee than they'll admit." "That's certainly true." "People are interested in what comes out of them as a general rule." "but there is an element of...that." "books." "the smell of my own farts I'm always fascinated by." "books and long walks." "I'd be a fascinated man." "but it's an unspoken truth." "who's bored?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE if they go like that..." "LAUGHTER" "They're not thinking about the book." "They've just let one go." "I know this." "after you." "No." "Is it because women are just not funny?" "but we're good at other things." "We're good at raisin' kittens and knitting' cakes." "I've heard that women aren't funny and I think there's a truth in this." "There is a scientific relationship between a sense of humour and the male sex organ." "People are always laughing at mine." "There you are." "LAUGHTER" "Is this to do with the fact that people say there aren't as many female comedians as there are men?" "Because there are loads of female comedians." "We just don't see them because they are systematically rounded up and kept in a pen just outside Harwich." "but you can go and see them and you can adopt them online." "You can visit them and feed them lines and you might get a joke back sometimes. just like Life Of Brian." "Bill Bailey." "Phill Jupitus." "Clearly a woman(!" ")" "It's really rare to be allowed to sit next to a female comedian." "I don't know if they're worried that our cycles will suddenly synchronise." "I'm in disguise." "I'm Rory Bremner." "they don't shut up?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Whoa!" "Here's a good gag." "What sort of person wears one of these?" "Good Lord!" "You could try it on yourself if you like." "agh!" "isn't it?" "This is a tongue thing." "Yeah." "It stops your lady talking." "I can't remember what they're called." "Does the word "ponyboy" come in this answer?" "Ponyboy?" "Yes." "it fits you rather well." "LAUGHTER" "Stephen." "LAUGHTER It's quite disconcerting." "Giddy-up!" "Alan." "Have him scrubbed and brought to my room!" "Don't bother to have him scrubbed." "They're called..." "Anybody know?" "MUMBLES:" "A witch's bridle?" "So close." "Not "witch's"." "I can't talk!" "Alan?" "two for "no"." "Is it "A"?" "Uh-uh." "It's..." "Is it a device used for pigs when they're constipated?" "I'm pretty sure that's one of those." "Eugh!" "Alan." "I probably should have said before." "What they do is they strap it on and they ram it home." "So it's a sort of chastity belt for the face?" "it's known as a scold's bridle." "So when she's being ducked in the river..." "You've got to get it before he does it." "often called a ducking stool." "Quite wrongly." "It is actually a cucking stool." "that's the wrong word!" "Get me off the cucking stool!" "they're the best." "I hired one for my son's fifth birthday." "here we go!" "What do you do?" "You just fling yourself about." "It's brilliant." "they handed me the safety instructions." "I was trying to read the safety instructions with all these kids bouncing around." "one kid had got mullered in the face." "some parents came to pick the kids up." "The safety instructions for the bouncy castle were on the table with blood on it." "it went fine." "they tell people to take off their high heels?" "That's an important first step." "I always used to get nose bleeds on them and someone would always wee on those things. as if a puppy has been on there." "They didn't exist when I was a child." "Really?" "No." "We had to make do with pigs and... fat men?" "Yeah." "LAUGHTER" "Wahey!" "I see." "Bouncing on the tummy." "You remember!" "Uncle's tummy." "kids." "We're going up the Sumo Park." "Come on."" ""Someone's wee'd on me." Yes." "The Vicar has volunteered again." "Vicar!" "I've never understood why it has a sell-by date on it does it?" "You could put it on a rooftop in Nairobi for a year." "Why do they have to have a sell-by date?" "So that you will destroy it and buy some more." "or something." "why?" "It's fine!" "20 years aged."" "you sell it to me!" "hasn't it?" "exactly." "It is the celebration of what happens when milk goes off big time styley!" "Yeah." "It should just..." "LAUGHTER" "You should work for the Milk Marketing Board." "Get some lovely English milk gone off big time styley!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "please." "That's the best description of cheese I've ever heard." "Aren't those sell-by dates just over-cautious?" "You could leave it for ages." "They're covering themselves." "Get it out the bin a couple of weeks later and you'll be fine." "go in the sauna." "Sean..." "Take it out." "reshape it again." "you're not alone." "There are people here." "You're saying it out loud." "You're not thinking it." "We had a tortoise once and it had very bad arthritis in its leg." "We can operate and replace it with a wheel." That's fabulous." "so they can go in all directions." "We thought about taking all his legs off and putting wheels on them." "That would have been wrong." "And then a little engine on the top." "Send it down the shops for a paper." "With an aerial on a spring." "You could have some peanuts on it at parties." "I bet you couldn't do that." "I bet someone would object if you motorised a tortoise." "Really(?" ")" "You can have lorries like giant..." "Jeremy!" "You can't even mutilate a tortoise any more(!" ")" "I'm not suggesting you mutilate it." "It could keep its legs." "I'm thinking of something like a Bigfoot truck in America." "run round and eat weeds." "Its legs go up?" "just send it off to the shops." "A Transformer tortoise?" "Yes." "There's great big ones in the Galapagos Islands." "They could bring substantial pieces of furniture back." "yeah." "MIMICS ENGINE REVVING UP the socks that that man in the middle is wearing are very long socks." "That's something that I've turned to recently." "I now favour the longer sock." "I'll show you." "The gentleman's sock." "The half hose." "are going to think this sock is going to stop a lot sooner than it does." "watch this." "Look at that." "my goodness me!" "my word!" "He's wearing tights!" "Ah!" "APPLAUSE" "Alan and Sean." "I urge you to give it a go because it gives you a feeling of security." "They do make you look like a knobhead." "Rob." "One of the problems men have..." "They do." "short socks." "Is that one of the things you're afraid of?" "you imply that you agree with what Jo has said." "What was going through my mind is how difficult it would be for a man to say that to a woman." "I'm not going in that direction." "We let women be rude to us." "Could you come down on one side or the other?" "You're with me or her." "It's just as true that women make themselves look ridiculous occasionally." ""I'm going to get a pair of those." "why don't we let the audience decide? "Long sock"?" "SOME SHOUT:" "Long sock!" "It's not good." "OK." "APPLAUSE the French mathematician and philosopher? that's the end of it. the same will happen - nothing. which is a real bore." "that's it." "you're as good as dead." "You are." "But what if there's a third option and there is an after-life that you only get to go to if you were an atheist?" "I like that one." "That's an amusing one." "Cos then you'd get all the Christians - dead." "I was wrong!" "And they've got an eternity to worry about it." "with these lovely angels offering them cream cakes." ""Sod off!" "What would you use this for?" "I have a picture of them here." "To frighten the children." "then creep up into their bedroom when they're asleep." "Just move it very slowly across the room." "It's a thing that is used in the lavatory." "Air freshener?" "No." "It's for men to do something when they go to the lavatory." "Is it anything to do with the seat?" "It is." "but doomed." "Do they sit down in Germany?" "So they don't have to touch the seat? this..." "I have one here." "Here it is." "'Hello." "This is your toilet speaking." "Wouldn't you rather like to sit down?" "'You prefer to stand?" "Then you may leave now.' do they?" "No wonder they're wearing lederhosen and slapping themselves all the time!" "they think it's somehow unhygienic because there's splashing." "it speaks at you." "so that men sit and have a pee." "That's the idea." "Here's a problem." "We've got builders in at the moment and they're all using the lower loo." "It is like the Center Parcs log flume in there at night." "LAUGHTER" "Is that why..." "Is that why you've got the long socks?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE it makes you solve a mathematical puzzle before it will send it." "How marvellous!" "you've sent to the Prime Minister." "Then you press "send" and you have to do this." "Thank God I didn't send that!" Sobriety test." "Yeah." "Or the other one that won't let you send it till the next morning." "It's very clever." "Good idea." "Isn't it?" "I won't use that one." "I'll use a different one."" "There are always ways round it." "Just phone them up." "Yeah." "LAUGHTER" "Go round." "Yeah." "Even better." "Shout out something..." ""Oi!" "I'm glad you're in!" "Lord!" ""You've only just thrown me out." "I'm glad you're dead"?" "I hated you when you were alive." "You were a pain in the arse." "You made my life a misery." "I turned into a Steptoe then. "Dad!" "Are Ouija boards outgoing as well?" "What tariff are you on? one of the things that annoys me more than anything else sometimes it catches the long sock and takes it down to the ankle." "horror!" "And I sometimes will pull the sock up while I'm sitting there just to have that nice feeling of control of the sock reaching the knee." "Do you know my dilemma in that situation?" "I often take my glasses off as I don't like wearing them..." "For distance." "I don't need them." "I'm sat there for a while." "I don't need my glasses." "I take my glasses off and the pants act like a little hammock for the glasses." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "It gets worse because if I put them in there..." "I might be sat there for some time because my diet isn't the healthiest. no." "my glasses!" And I've rammed my glasses deep into my under regions." "I think." "Eugh!" "Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2010" "Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk"