"DAD, DID YOU KNOW MOM KNOWS EVERYTHING?" "YEAH, THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE LITTLE THINGS" "WE HAVE TO LIVE WITH IN THIS FAMILY." "( Roseanne laughing )" "I CAUGHT 'EM OUT BY THE GARAGE LAST NIGHT." "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" "'CAUSE THERE'S LOTS OF STUFF I DON'T TELL YOU, HONEY." "THAT'S THE GLUE THAT KEEPS OUR LITTLE FAMILY TOGETHER." "THE LANFORD POLICE DEPARTMENT'S RUN BY A BUNCH OF BOZOS," "HALF OF WHOM YOUR SISTER'S DATED." "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY SISTER LIKE THAT." "THAT'S MY JOB." "I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S READING DAD'S MAGAZINE, BECKY." "WHAT MAGAZINE?" "GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS." "YOU KNOW, DARLENE, IT'S NOT NICE TO TATTLE ON PEOPLE." "ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO DO REALLY STUPID THINGS" "THAT THEY KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T DO." "OW." "WHAT'D YOUR AUNT JACKIE SAY?" "ASK HER YOURSELF." "I'M NOT A TATTLE-TALE." "WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT REALLY TATTLING" "IF I HAVE TO BEAT IT OUT OF YA." "SHE LEAVES ALL HER GRUNGY STUFF ALL OVER MY SIDE OF THE ROOM." "WHAT?" "I CAN'T LEAVE ANYTHING ANYWHERE" "WITHOUT HER GOING INTO CONVULSIONS." "OKAY, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM." "GIVE ME THAT PILLOW." "AND GIVE ME THAT BLANKET TOO." "ALL RIGHT, NOW TURN AROUND AND FACE EACH OTHER HERE." "NOW I WANT YOU TWO TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH." " DARLENE." " THERE'S MORE." "NO, THERE ISN'T." "OH, HERE, TAKE IT." " D.J. TOOK MY SUNGLASSES." " THEY'RE MY SUNGLASSES." "YOU LIAR, THEY'RE MINE!" " THEY'RE MINE!" " THEY'RE MINE!" "THEY'RE MINE." "HEY, D.J., YOU KNOW HOW THEY INVENTED PRIVACY, DON'T YA?" " HOW?" " SCRAM." "WHAT'S IN THIS, LEAD?" "OH, I GOT YOU KIDS NEW LEG IRONS." "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ANY R-RATED MOVIE." "IT'S NOT SEX, MOTHER, IT'S VIOLENCE." "OH, OKAY." "I DON'T THINK I CAN FALL ASLEEP." "WANT ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY ABOUT HOW I MET DADDY?" "THAT MIGHT DO IT." "AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE GOOD PART IS." "WITHOUT A PARTNER FOR YOU TO SPLIT THE PROFITS WITH," "EVERYTHING YOU MAKE IS MINE." "YOU GUYS GET IN HERE." "HOW'D THEY GET SO SPOILED" "WHEN WE'VE GIVEN THEM ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?" "MOM, THE LUNCH LADY AT SCHOOL'S" "BEEN OUT SICK FOR A FEW WEEKS." "I THINK SHE'S GONNA DIE SOON." "ARE YOU INTERESTED?" "WELL, GEE, LET'S SEE." "SERVING CRAPPY FOOD TO UNGRATEFUL TEENAGERS?" "HOW WOULD I KNOW I WAS AT WORK?" "WE'RE GONNA GO AND HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME." "OKAY, WE'LL GO AND HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME." "BUT YOU'RE GONNA REGRET IT!" " WHAT WILL YOU TELL CRYSTAL?" " WHAT I ALWAYS TELL HER." "TO GIVE UP ON ROMANCE AND GET MARRIED." "OH!" "CARAMEL APPLES." "HEY, HEY." "LEAVE THOSE ALONE." "YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP FAT LIKE YOUR AUNT JACKIE." "MOM, DO YOU THINK BOOBS WILL AFFECT MY PITCHING?" "NOT THIS SEASON." "MY HEART'S POUNDING A MILE A MINUTE." "I MEAN, YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER." "YOU'RE GOING ON YOUR FIRST DATE." "AREN'T YOU EXCITED FOR ME?" "OH, MY GOSH, I'M SO NERVOUS." "DON'T SHOOT ANY MILK OUT OF YOUR NOSE AND YOU'LL BE FINE." "LITTLE BECKY'S GOT HER FIRST BOYFRIEND, HUH?" "I WONDER WHAT THIS GUY IS LIKE." "COME ON, ROSIE, YOU KNOW GIRLS ALWAYS GO" "FOR GUYS THAT REMIND THEM OF THEIR FATHERS." "NOT IF THEY LISTEN TO THEIR MOTHERS." "SO BASICALLY YOU JUST DO THIS?" "THEN YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH A LITTLE BIT." "YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH?" "!" "FOR WHAT?" "SO YOU CAN BE SLIP HIM THE TONGUE." " WHO IS THE MAKE-OUT KING?" " YOU ARE, HONEY." "I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS JOHNNY." "WELL, HE WEARS A BLACK STUDDED BELT," "AND THEY CALL HIM "THE TONGUE BANDIT."" "DARLENE, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE AND COME BACK" "WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT 40?" "LISTEN TO THIS:" ""DEAR BECKY," "THINKING OF YOU FIRST FOR A CHANGE." "I LOVE YOU." "MARK"" "TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, HUH, BECKY?" "Dan:" "DARLENE?" "( screaming )" "Roseanne:" "THAT IS NOT FUNNY!" "YOU'RE GROUNDED TILL MENOPAUSE!" "YOURS OR MINE?" "YOUR FATHER'S." "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT EATING COOKIES BEFORE YOU HAD DINNER?" " TO USE A PLATE." " RIGHT." "ALL THAT LOVEY-DOVEY CRAP IS A DEAD GIVEAWAY." "IT'S FIGHTIN' THAT KEEPS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER." "IF THAT'S TRUE YOU AND ME WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER." "MEN ARE DOGS." " OH, THEY ARE." "ROSEANNE, THEY ARE DOGS." " THEY'RE DOGS." "COME ON, YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE A GUY HIS DREAMS," "THEN HE WON'T NOTICE THAT YOU CONTROL HIS REALITY." "WHEN I SPEAK, I'M SPEAKING FOR ALL OF WOMAN KIND." "( Roseanne laughing )"