"Oh, someone looks nice." "Oh, gracias." "I learned to do the contouring on the YouTube." "Oh!" "She looks nice, too." "Interesting." "Very... interesting." "Should I be interested?" "Because I'm not." "What are you guys talking about?" "Lupita, it is Friday at 7:00 p.m." "Usually by now, your sweatpants are on and your bra is off." "You have a date." "It's a date!" "What?" "Can't I just shower, put on lipstick and nice clothes just for myself?" "Yeah, I'm not even buying it." "Yes, why not be honest?" "Mira, for ejemplo," "I am going to church tonight to feed the poor." "There, I said it." "Okay, fine." "It's a date." "Just a casual drink, not a big deal." "I met him through a friend." "He will never replace your papi." "No, he's not Cuban." "Your date no longer interests me." "Anyway, I gotta go soon, but I forgot Abuelita and I are both doing something." " Alex, what're you doing tonight?" " Chilling at Finn's house." "Didn't you just say this morning that you had so much homework to do this weekend?" "Finn has this genius idea to fill up a shopping cart with candy and ask girls if they wanna hop in our sweet ride." "Okay, so you're gonna stay home." "And Elena will watch you." "Oh." "So you automatically assume I don't have any plans?" " You have plans?" " I could." "Ay, qué bueno." "Finally, you are going to pick a boy to be your quinces escort." "Abuelita, I already asked someone and I should know by the end of the day." "He's in my English class." "We're just friends." "And no, he's not Cuban." "Why do you two love to hurt me?" " Anyway, have a good date, Mom." " Bye." "And don't try to hide stuff from us." "What can I say?" "I'm a terrible liar." "I am an amazing liar." "And you'd rather let them think all that date stuff, instead of just telling them you're goin' to therapy?" "Oh, yeah!" "If they had guessed I was a serial killer," "I would have gone with that, too." "I am so sorry I'm late, you guys." "I was at the movies." "Another remake." "Well, I mean, it was nothing like the original." "But I like 'em both." "Anyway, Lolly brought up a really great point last week." "There's a lot of anxiety and depression that we face as veterans that can lead to isolation, right?" "Because our civilian friends and family members, they can't relate." "Oh, for sure." "I mean, I'm a gay female minority, so anxiety and depression are my two best friends." "And isolation is my boo." "And there's definitely some combat stuff that's tough to shake." "In Iraq, if your Hummer gets stuck in traffic, it means you're a sitting duck." "In LA, it means... you're in LA!" "But my brain doesn't know that, so I'm just constantly sweating in the car." "So, whatever." "On hot days, I just take my top off." "Which has caused some traffic jams 'cause... you know." "Well, thank you for sharing, Ramona." "We hear you." "Come on, girl." "Get in there." "Oh." "Hey, hi." "Hi." "This kind of attention makes me sweat." "Like her in traffic." "So, it's like... swoosh!" "Hello." "I'm sorry." "I'm fighting my nature on all of this." "I'm Cuban!" "You know, we don't really do therapy." "I feel you." "In my family, the only therapist we're allowed to talk to is Jesus." "And he must be booked up because he has not returned my calls." "Oh, my..." "This is why I couldn't tell my mom I was coming here." "She already hates that I'm on antidepressants." "You know, to her, therapy is for the locos." "Even my cousin Consuelo, who wears her underpants on the outside..." "She doesn't do therapy." "No!" "No, no." "She's just "funny."" "Anyway, it's totally fine if you don't feel..." "And try being the only person in the history of your family that's getting a divorce." "Anybody here divorced?" "Oh, it's about to get shared." "Okay, queridos, your abuelita is going to church!" "Vete con Dios, Abuelita." "Shh!" "I'm watching Buffy!" "I love you, papito." "Bye, Elena." "Hi!" "Leslie," "I told you to text me when you were outside." "I did, but you didn't respond." "I don't know how to use those things." "I don't know how to use them either." "We have so much in common." "Lydia... can I ask you something?" "I am 73." "I know, I look 32." "Agreed." "But why do we have to keep it a secret that we're going to the opera together?" "Because I don't want my family to think that something is going on." "They are so crazy." "They would probably think we're out on a date." "We... we have different senses of humor." "Oh, mira, we're just two people on a lovely outing as companions." "A companions' outing." "How platonic." "Well, thank you so much for joining me." "I always get two tickets to stuff in hopes that someone will go." "But, Lydia, you..." "look beautiful." "Uh, just careful with those shoes." "Oh, please." "I came out of the womb wearing stilettos." "Even my footie pajamas had kitten heels." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Lydia!" "Are you okay?" "Oh, my shoe..." "My favorite shoe." "Taken in the prime of its life." "But how about your foot?" "I'm fine." "What's so great about Buffy?" "It's just a vampire show." "Well, it's an allegory for how strong women are in constant battle with an oppressive, bloodsucking, male-dominated society." "Whoa!" "Buffy's hot." "I know, right?" " Oh, no." " What?" "It's a text from the guy I asked to be my quinces escort." "He said yes." "This is a disaster!" "Yeah, for him." "No, for me." "My whole plan to get Abuelita off my back was to ask a popular guy who would never do it." "He rejects me, I full-on fake cry, Abuelita feels guilty, and boom..." "I escape the patriarchal tradition of having to be escorted to my quinces, and instead grow out my unibrow and read a poem about Frida Kahlo." "Do I have to come to your quinces?" " Who's the guy?" " Josh Flores." "Josh Flores?" "He's like the star of the baseball team." "He should be dating a hot girl who got held back a grade, not you." "Oh, and now he says I'm cute?" "What?" "So are you gonna tell Josh that you're not into boys?" "You know, that way." "Well, all I said is I might be into girls." "But I probably like boys, too." "I don't know." "Huh?" "It's like..." "I've never tried broccoli." "So I can't say for sure that I don't like broccoli." "We had broccoli last night for dinner." "It's a metaphor, Alex." "Broccoli means boys." "Oh, I see... but it's not like you tried girls before either." "Sorry, I mean..." "I guess, cauliflower?" "That's because cauliflower is a lot harder to find." "I mean, how many girls do you know that like cauliflower?" "None." "Although, Finn is pretty sure Denise Falto does because she didn't want his Skittles." "Skittles just means Skittles." "Well, let's just say I'm open to trying broccoli." "I mean, I'm not gonna go out and buy broccoli, but if broccoli falls on my plate..." "Stop." "I don't wanna know what your plate is." "What're you doing?" "I told Josh to come over." "What?" "Josh Flores is coming over?" "But I haven't showered." "What to wear, what to wear..." "Yup, you are not gonna be here." "You, sir, are going to Schneider's." "Ooh, you're gonna have a boy over here alone?" "Yeah, you know, maybe it'll be great, maybe it'll be terrible." " But either way, you won't be here." " Okay!" "But at least mention me to Josh." "Tell him I'm awesome." "No, no, too strong." "Tell him I'm rad." "So, I've been a civilian for ten years and I still get anxious when I'm shopping for clothes." "I feel that." "Ramona, you're an amazing hype woman." "You're coming with me everywhere." "You do you, girl." "Seriously, I love that so much!" "Yeah!" "Anyway, there's too many choices, right?" "I mean, it used to be one uniform, which we all crushed, because we were in the best shape of our lives." "But then we get out, and it's like, why did we do all those side straddle hops when there's Spanx?" "Anyway, Pam, pick someone else." "I don't really feel like talking today." "Uh, our session ended 15 minutes ago." "Thank you all for coming." "Oh, it's okay, Alvarez, the rest of us will talk next week." "It just feels so good to let it all out with you ladies." "You're just..." "You're all so strong and you're so beautiful." "Thank you for having me." "Thank you, Penelope." "Release those tears, mama!" "Seriously, never stop." "Ay, Leslie, this is not necessary." "I fell." "I have a bruise that I will cure with the power of my mind." "In the car you told me you were dizzy." "I just wanna make sure you're okay because I care about you." "Okay." "You may proceed." "Great." "Let me just start with a few questions." "Uh, any allergies?" "Allergies are not a real thing." "All right." "Uh, any history of serious illness?" "Never." "But if ever I get one, my Cuban blood will eat it and absorb it into nothing." "There's not a checkbox for that." "Any hospital visits?" "No." "Oh!" "Oh, a long time ago, I had a stroke, but it was nothing." "Lydia, a stroke is not nothing." "I made a 100% recovery." "And I have full movement in both my arms." "I can mime in a box." "Can you?" "No, I can't." "Did you do anything different today than usual?" "What did you eat?" "Oh, I cooked a beautiful tortilla española, and bistec empanizado and dinosaur nuggets." "Papito's comfort food." "And which of those did you eat?" "None." "Well, I..." "I was cooking." "I had no time." "Oh..." "That's why you're dizzy." "Lydia, you need to eat." "You would make a good Cuban mother." "Please." "Cubans got nothing on the Jews when it comes to force-feeding their children!" "Now, Lydia, if you don't mind, I would like to take a look at that foot." "Oh, okay, but no hanky-panky." "My body belongs to God and my husband's ghost." "Lydia, this is a professional environment." "Mmm-hmm." "Ah, uh..." "I said no hanky-panky." "This is just some after-hours energy-saving thing." "See?" "All right..." "Oh, no." "Well, this is a problem." "What?" "What is it?" "You have a hammertoe that has to be shaved down." "I do?" "What does it mean?" "Leslie, be honest." "Will I ever dance again?" "This is a simple out-patient procedure." "We'll have you back on your dancing feet in no time." "Oh, no, leave it." "Leave it." "Now that I have the foot of a monster," "I want to hide in the shadows until it is fixed." "So, things are going good on my date." "I think we're gonna grab a coffee." "Everything okay over there?" "Yeah, Alex is doing homework, and I'm just sitting here by myself, you know, watching Buffy." "Okay, bye, Mom." "So... this isn't like some bad teen movie where the popular guy pranks the nerd girl, and you make me feel special and next thing I know, I'm covered in pig's blood?" "Uh... no." "It's not a prank." "For real, Elena, I've had a crush on you all year." "All year?" "Really?" "I mean, there was a week when I was home sick and puking, but you were still in there." "Aw..." "Did you say you were watching Buffy?" " Yeah, you know it?" " Yeah, I love it." "First three seasons, solid." "Right?" "Mmm." "Where do you stand on season six?" "Dark Buffy." "I know, right?" "But I do feel like there were some solid stand-alones, like..." "The musical." "You know... you look not that bad." "I mean... you got good lips." "You got nice eyes, blue." "Your smile is slightly uneven, but it's offset by a strong jaw." "I think you're super hot, too." "Wait, do I like you?" "Do you always say your thoughts out loud?" "Because I kinda like it." " I wanna kiss you now." " I really like it." "That wasn't horrible." "That was not what I was hoping to hear, but I can do better." "Hey, Schneider, can I use your laptop?" "Yeah, sure thing, man." "What, do you need to research something?" "Maybe I can help." "I'm trying to get information on lesbians." "Oh, wow." "I just typed in L-E-S and it filled in "bians"" "and then a lot of other stuff." "Ah..." "Yeah, let's shut that for now." "Um, why do you need info on lesbians?" "Don't get me wrong." "I understand the curiosity, but..." "I'm not sure you should be doing that." "I'm just trying to find out if they also like guys." "You have stumbled onto a real eternal question, buddy." "But probably not something I should talk to you about without your mom's permission." "And just thinking ahead, I don't think she's gonna give permission." "What, are you worried about something?" "I'm just confused because Elena said she might like this dude, Josh." "So?" "So... nothing." "Wait a minute." "Alex, are you saying Elena might be gay?" "Uh... no." "Because it's a secret." "Whoa." "She just said she might like girls, but she might like boys, too." "Don't worry." "We already had the broccoli-cauliflower conversation." "That's smart." "But... what did your mom say?" "She doesn't know." "Nobody knows." "You can't say anything." "Elena will kill me." "Okay, don't worry." "I won't." "Even though I have so many questions, like..." "When did she know?" "And what is the broccoli-cauliflower conversation?" "It's just all so confusing." "I mean, Josh is down there with her right now." "Wait a minute." "Elena's downstairs alone?" "With a boy?" "Not just any boy." "He's the super-cool captain of the baseball team." "Oh, that's even worse!" "He's probably rounding the bases as we speak." "Somebody should do something." "Oh, wait, it's me!" "I should do something." "Okay." "No, no, no, no." "No." "Um..." "I like you, so I just don't want to mess this up." "Do you think we should talk more or something?" " Um..." " No, I'm good." "You are so awesome." "Okay." "Hands off her!" "I am the go-to male authority figure here." "And I am shutting this unauthorized party down." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry, sir." "You were right." "He is super cool." "Alex, you told Schneider?" "Oh, hey, Josh." "Alex Alvarez." "Sorry, I'm a mess." "I woke up with flat hair." "You know how it is." "'Sup?" "Okay, Elena, I'm sorry." "But, dude, I don't think you're supposed to be here without a parent around." "I totally get it." "I'll go." "I'll text you later." "Right." "Alex, I can't believe you told on me!" "And I am certainly glad he did, young lady!" "That sounds scary." "I am nailing this!" "It just slipped out." "It's true, Elena." "Alex didn't mean to tell me." "He was just confused 'cause you were suddenly into a boy." "Why would that be confusing?" "Uh..." "Now I'm confused." " You told him everything?" " Don't worry, Elena." "I'm not gonna say anything." "It's your business." "Yes, it is." "The only reason I'm here is because Alex said your mom wasn't home and there was a boy over here and I just..." "There was a boy over here?" "Abuelita, what are you doing home so early?" " And why are you limping?" " Because she fell." "In church." "In church." "That's where we ran into each other." "I love church." "Lydia, you should probably get something for your stomach." "I'll go grab you some juice." "Schneider... tell me everything." "Of course." "This super-cool dude, Josh, was over while Alex was upstairs with me." "But not to worry, 'cause I came down to check and everything was fine." "The end." "I understand." "My granddaughter is a sex fiend." "Wait." "Who's a sex fiend?" "Elena." "She was here alone with a boy." " What?" " No." "Nothing bad happened, Abuelita." " Mom..." " Okay, you're in big trouble, 'cause that means when I called you, you lied to..." "Wait, Doc?" "What are you doing here?" "I came over to your house to bring your mom some juice." "Thank you." "Mmm." "Worth the trip." "Abuelita, I thought you ran into him at church." "You were at a Catholic mass, Dr. Berkowitz?" "What can I say?" "I hedge my bets." "You're both dressed up." "Wait." "Were you two on a date?" "It was a platonic companions' outing." " What the hell does that mean?" " I don't know!" "How dare you insinuate that I was lying to you!" "You were lying to me!" "A weird lie, but it's still a lie!" "How was your date, Mom?" "Hey, Alvarez, you left your phone in my car." "Whoa!" "This is your date?" "So much to process today." "So much." "Oh, honey, no, no, no." "Your mom and I weren't on a date." "I mean, she should be so lucky." "We were just at therapy." "Um..." "Therapy's the name of a hot new club." "Fixed it." "Bye, girl." "You were in therapy?" "No, I was on a date with a woman." "Mentira!" "Therapy is for the locos." "I told you that you would lose your mind taking those antiperspirants." "And how dare you keep a secret from me?" "Lydia, take it easy." "You have a history of stroke." "You had a stroke?" "I kept it a secret from you." "You kept it a secret from me?" "It was nothing." "You were pregnant with Elena." "I didn't want to bother you." "This was 15 years ago!" "I can't believe you!" "I have a hammertoe that needs to be shaved." "How dare you attack me when I'm about to go under the knife?" "This is obviously a very personal family matter." "Yeah, you should go." "Both of you." "What?" "I thought we were doing a thing..." "Okay." "Elena..." "I can't believe you lied." "Well, you went to therapy and said it was a date." "I can't believe you lied." "I am the mom!" "I'm allowed to lie!" "And I am the mom's mom and I get to lie even more!" "No..." "She is the one who is going boy crazy with this cabrón, Josh." "Josh agreed to be my quinces escort." "A wonderful boy." "He is." "I'm sorry I had him here when no one was home." "And I'm sorry I lied about it." "It was stupid." "Apology accepted, but you're still grounded." "And you..." "When you have a stroke and don't die, you tell people." "First thing Monday, I'm taking you to get a full physical." "And not by Dr. Berkowitz 'cause now you've made that weird." "Okay, perdóname for not telling you about the stroke." "And I'm sorry that I lied about therapy." "But I hope you can understand why." "Because it's shameful." "Not even your cousin Consuelo goes to therapy." "She fights the crazy like a strong woman should." "Okay." "So this is why I lied." "Oh, Mami, look..." "It was... it was really great." "It was a bunch of women that I related to sharing our feelings and our experiences." "And it made me really happy." "Ay, okay." "Relax." "Who said anything?" "Ay." "Okay." "So no more secrets." "Is there anything else anybody wants to tell me?" "Speak now." "All right." "Let me talk to her." "Alex, help Abuelita." "So..." "Josh?" "What do you wanna know?" "Nothing happened?" " Mom!" " Come on." "I'm..." "You've never shown an interest in a boy before." "And it's exciting." "It's... terrifying." "But it's mostly exciting." "We kissed." "But that's it." "And how was it?" "It was okay." "Okay?" "All right." "I get it." "My first kiss was weird, because I had braces." "And the guy said he could taste the plátano stuck in my rubber bands." "But lucky for me, he was Cuban." "He didn't mind." "You should've married him!" "Oh, my God." "So..." "Do you like Josh?" "Yeah." "I mean, he likes Buffy and he has nice eyes." "But if I'm being honest, I think Alex is more into him than me." "Seriously, guys." "How good do I look in this?"