"Pick up chicken breasts." "The way I know you want it:" "with the bone in." "We should hold a seminar about sexual harassment in the workplace." "Why?" "He's already so good at it." "How'd he like it if We did that to him every time we ordered?" "Well, let's find out." "Ordering." "One pastrami." "Can you do me a favor, doll face?" "Make it so big and thick, you can't get your mouth around it." "Can you do that sweetheart?" "Yes, and two matzo ball soups." "Hold the balls." "Wait, I'll hold the balls." "You just sit there and look pretty." "And a cream of..." "No, can't." "Just grossed myself out." "When is it gonna get dirty?" " Max, come out." " If I came out, it would not be for you." "It would be for that hot Dragon Tattoo girl." "Welcome, board members, to the very first financial assessment meeting of Max's Homemade Cupcakes." "I was told there would be a cheese plate." "After five months in business, We're showing a profit of $725." " Have to say, I'm a little disappointed." " Really?" "We have so far exceeded where I'd thought we'd be in five months." "We have to find a way to make money on the side to put in the business." "Or we could quit now while we're a success." " What are you talking about?" " It's only gonna get worse." "Or it could get better." "Why would you even say that?" "It's life, and life gets worse." "That's what it does." "On life's résumé under "special skills," it says, "Good at making things worse."" "You always go to the worst-case scenario." "Yup." "On my résumé, it says, "Good at going to the worst-case scenario."" "Could you try to be more optimistic and not expect the worst all the time?" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "CAROLINE:" "Who's that?" " More optimistic, right?" "On the other side of that door is all the money you lost." "And then we move back into your townhouse and I masturbate in your tub for a change." "It was twice and you could have knocked." "Who is it?" "MAN:" "Detective James, N.Y.P.D." "Wait, don't open it, don't open it." "Oh." "Smoked it Tuesday." "Open." "Sorry to bother you." " Do you live in this apartment?" " Our names aren't on the lease." "We're an illegal sublet with no place else to go." "Please, mercy." "Sorry, officer, it's her first raid." "Relax, the landlord didn't send me." "Do you know the tenant who lives in the apartment above you?" "His name is Lou." "Leo?" "Saul?" "Am I even close?" "His name's Nirham Chaduri." "Oh, man, I wasn't even on the right continent." "Is that Nirham Chaduri?" "Been dead for two weeks." "Lived alone." "Nobody knew." "Cats eat his face?" "Max, could you please not be so dark?" "Kittens eat his face?" "What?" "I'm just trying to put a more positive spin on things." "Where are you going with my good china with Huckleberry Hound on it?" "Making a cupcake plate for our neighbors across the hall." "Oh, no, you're not." " It's weird not to know your neighbors." " It's weird not to know your father." "By the time you're 4, you get over it and move on." "This is a mistake." "Who knows what's lurking behind that door?" "Yes, something awful like nice people who might look out for us or say hello in the hallway." "No matter what comes out of there, I will not be helloing it up in the hallway." "You got lucky." "Get back in here." "MAN:" "Who is it, please?" "Caroline, your next-door neighbor." "Hi." "Is this a bad time?" " Not at all." "One sec." "CAROLINE:" "Hi." "I just wanted to introduce myself and my roommate." "There." "And give you these cupcakes." "That is so nice." "Well, it's the leash" " Least-- Least I can do." "Well, I gotta go." "Well, if we ever get a dog, we know who can walk it." "[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING FROM ABOVE]" " Listen." " I know." "It's only been a few days and somebody has already moved in upstairs." "And they are playing music." "Music is coming through the floor into my ears." "I blame you." "When you knocked on that door across the hall you may have opened a portal to hell." "There." "You hear the devil music?" " I think it's the Bee Gees." " Exactly." "[FOOTSTEPS FROM ABOVE]" "And walking." "Walking and music." "We have to stop this right now." "It's 10:00." "People are allowed to walk and play music." "Your lack of apartment knowledge is really starting to piss me off." "We have to show him right now not to screw with us." "I need paper." "What are you doing?" " I mean, besides overreacting." " Writing a threatening note." "We don't shut this down now someone will have an Academy Awards party in your living room." "Is that what you want?" "Strangers passing out mini Oscar statues that say "best nachos"?" "[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH WALL]" ""I have an unregistered gun and can shoot you through the floor"?" "You're coming in really hot." "We're not giving him this." "It'll start a bad dynamic between us." "God, how I miss the quiet, dead Indian guy." "Okay, we're gonna hit and run." "Oh, you mean run literally." "Shh, listen." "Reading the note, freaking out." "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Music off, problem solved." "Respect." "Never doubt, never doubt." "[FOOTSTEPS FROM ABOVE]" "Crossing the floor to the door." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Closing the door." "[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]" "Coming down the stairs." "[BANGING ON DOOR]" " What do we do?" " Move?" "[BANGING ON DOOR]" "[BANGING ON DOOR]" " What's he look like?" " He's got his finger over the peephole." "Heh, heh." "Okay, game on." "Back up." "This is my building." "I've gotta take it back." "This is life, not Call of Duty:" "Modern Warfare 3." "MAX:" "Move." "What?" "!" "[POLISH ACCENT] What is meaning of this horrible, horrible note?" "Oh, you're not a man?" "What kind of question is this?" "Do I look like a man?" "You clump around up there like a man." "Max, please." "Did you write this horrible, horrible note?" "I did." "First day in my new home and I am given this horrible, horrible note with threats." "Well, they're not actually threats." ""I will gut you like a hog."" "To be clear, I only skimmed the note." "Everything was happening so fast." "Listen, we've obviously gotten off to a bad start." "Please, come in." "Why would I want to come in with you horrible, horrible--?" "Ooh, cupcake land." "Ooh." "Yes, we have a cupcake business." "We're just starting, but doing well." "Max is the baker." "Say hello, Max." "I know people in the Mob." "That's Max." "And I'm Caroline." "You are'?" "Sophie Kuchenski." " Is that a Polish accent I'm detecting?" " Yes." "I visited Warsaw once." "I love it." "Oh, because I hate it." "Rats and pimps." "Why have you not yet offered me cupcake?" "Is the least thing you can do after horrible, horrible note." " Oh, sure." "Chocolate or vanilla?" " Yes." " Why such sourpuss?" " Sorry about that." "We work long hours at the neighborhood diner and Max has another job as well." "And then she comes home and she has to make the cupcakes." "Mm." "So good, mm-hm." "How could someone so angry make something so sweet?" " She's not always like this." " I'm usually like this." "Just ask the previous tenant." "Oh, wait." "You can't." "[BLOWS]" "You know, you two girls are like these cupcakes." "One is dark and heavy and one is light and fluffy." "I prefer the fluffy one." "Well, I think we've made our point." "No music, no clumping." "I'll shoot you through the floor." "Thanks for stopping by." "Ha, ha." "I'm so glad we can joke with each other already." "Sorry about the note." "Can we start ov--?" " You have the Chanel Allure lip gloss?" " Yeah." " Mm." "You know the Chanel?" "CAROLINE:" "Oh." "Know?" "Love." "I can't afford it anymore." "Oh, take one." "I got handfuls in my bag." "Ahh, really?" "Oh, that's so nice." "[BOTH MOANING]" "Hey." "Hey, hey!" "Do I have to put you on a leash?" "Hey, we start again." "You take a Chanel." "And I take more cupcakes to go." "Oh, sure." "Yes." "[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING FROM ABOVE]" "I knew it." "Bitch played us for cupcakes." "It's 3 a.m. Why are you dressed?" "Never took off my clothes, because soldiers don't." "We have to be ready when the enemy attacks." "Okay, you were right, I was wrong." " Why do you have the broom?" " Because I ran out of finger bullets." "Wait, you're gonna fall." "I can't believe we have a broom." "All this time, I've been sweeping with an Us Weekly." "I knew this would happen, but I didn't say anything, because you were all:" ""Max is the worst-case scenario." We showed weakness." "Now look." "By "we," I mean you." "Deal with this, cupcake thief!" "Yeah, one more time, and hard." "[MAX GRUNTS]" "Okay, now she broke our house." "We're in a war." "She wants a piece of me, she's gonna get it." "Where are my heels?" "I mean, who does she think I am?" "Someone she can just buy off with a tube of Chanel?" "Your legs did snap back over your head pretty quick when she offered it." "[CAROLINE SIGHS]" "[BEE GEES' "MORE THAN A WOMAN" PLAYING]" "More than a woman" "I thought you were man with pizza." "More than a woman" "You have a porch swing in there." "You have an electric cigarette." "What is it you two girls want?" "Uh, I forgot." "Just so thrown by the swing and the everything." "Oh." "You're taking advantage of us by still playing that music after we talked." "You two are harshing my marshmallow." "I'm gonna have to call my friend the landlord tomorrow and tell him about the horrible, horrible note." "Mm-hm." "Oh, my God." "She's a hooker." "I've been using a hooker's lip gloss." " She's not a hooker." " Oh, good." "She's too old." "She's a madam." "You've been using an old hooker's lip gloss." "Max, look, my lip." "Is this something?" "I feel like I'm getting one." "For the last time, you cannot get a herpes breakout in under 10 hours." "You're right." "Now I'm jumping to the worst-case scenario." "Maybe her lip gloss wasn't a herpes breeding ground." "Maybe she's not a prostitute." "Maybe those young girls weren't being held there against their will." "Yeah, maybe she just has sleepovers with women on swings in their nighties." "You know, like people do." "Welcome to Williamsburg Diner." "How many in your party?" "What kind of question is this?" "One." "I am my own party." "I take booth." "Now, now, who is that over there?" "Our new upstairs neighbor." "Earl, does she look like a prostitute to you?" "Well, I don't like to judge a book by its cover but if she was a book, she'd be the kind that other books pay for sex." "Sophie just came in." "Earl thinks she's a hooker." "And now my lip is feeling very Courtney Love." "I invited her here for a free meal." "We have to make this work out for us." "She threatened to call her "friend" the landlord." "That can never happen." "We're illegal tenants." "And I'd rather have a noisy roof over my head than no roof." "Let me talk." "You're upset." "You might say something insulting." "Like what? "Thanks for the lip gloss and the uncomfortable conversations with every lover I'll have the rest of my life"?" "You don't need to tell them." "They'll figure it out eventually." "Hi." "Thanks for coming in." "I like the uniforms." "You fill out the front nicely and you with no boobs, short, short skirt." "Smart girls." "Uh, we just wanted to offer you a free dinner as our way of apologizing." " So are you ready to order?" " What kind of question is this?" "Did you see this horrible, horrible menu?" "Oh." "We can't have nice conversation here." "Tomorrow I take you to nice place, my treat." "Oh, you don't have to do that." "No, I, too, want to apologize." "You know, after you two left the other night some of my girls said that I was harsh on you." "Your girls?" "Yes, all those girls work for me." "Excuse me." "I have to go to the ladies' room right now and look at my lips." "Thank you so much for inviting us." "Are you enjoying that beluga?" "Mm, so much." "Thank you." "I haven't had caviar in forever." "Mm." "Legs over your head much?" "So, sourpuss, you don't like caviar?" "No, I'm more of a cheeseburger kind of girl." "This place is busy." "The waiters must make a fortune." "Oh, yeah. 300, 350 a night." "What do you girls make?" "Sixty to 80 on a good night." "And how do you expect to accomplish cupcake business on money like this?" "Well, we're just starting out." "Yes, but at this rate, it will take forever." "You know, I, too, have big dream." "I am building summer house by lake in Poland." "You wanna see?" " Oh, you have pictures?" " No, I have house." "This is model from the architect." "And I take it everywhere I am to remember where I'm going." "It's cool." "See, girls like you should be making more money." "Maybe you could consider coming to work for me." "[POLISH ACCENT] Sophie." " Oh." "Thank you for sending girl to my apartment yesterday." "Oh." "Did she do the job?" "Oh, like no one ever before." "Down on all fours." "Under, over, under again." "Oh, ha, ha." "Yes, well, my girls don't leave until you're satisfied." "Maybe she can come two times a week." "She can come whenever you want her to come." "[SOPHIE CHUCKLES]" " Are these two of your girls?" " Well, we were just discussing that." "Well, this one here looks like she can take a lot." "Uh, thanks?" "My friend Yanni is at the bar." "Since his divorce, he's in great need of your service." "[SPEAKS IN POLISH]" "Oh, yes." "Uh, excuse me." "And, um, don't touch my house." "Can't believe she'd actually consider asking us to be prostitutes." "I know." "I mean, me, I get." "But you, I don't see it." "You heard the guy." "I look like I can..." "[IN POLISH ACCENT] ...take a lot." "Max, it's not funny." "Isn't it bad enough I may have gotten herpes from her Chanel gloss?" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Of course we're not gonna do it but come on, you'd be a terrible hooker." "Thank you." "I would be a terrible hooker." "I have a heart and soul and dreams and wanna fall in love and have a family." "Oh, just say it." "You're bad in bed." "Let's get out of here." "I mean, really." "Who does she think I am?" "Someone who would just sell myself to have nice things?" "Let me just suck down a little more of this and we're off." "If we walk out of here now, we can just keep walking to the homeless shelter." "[IN MUFFLED VOICE] Oh." "Mm." "I'd rather be homeless than a hooker." "Here she comes." "Sit down and let's thank her and politely decline." "Okay, back to what we were discussing." "Uh, thanks." "We appreciate the offer, but we are going to pass." "You don't want to accomplish your dream?" "Well, uh, I'm not exactly sure those two things line up, but thanks." "I thought you were smart girls." "We are smart girls." "Smart girls don't have to sell their bodies to accomplish their goals." "Not that there's anything wrong with that." "It works for you, but us well, she's bad in bed and I have a sourpuss." "What guy wants to pay for that?" "Ha, ha." "You think I am prostitute?" "No, everyone has swings with girls in pajamas." "My business card." ""Home cleaning service"?" "She runs a cleaning company." "Sophie's Choice." "You realize what this means?" "We insulted a hard-working woman who was trying to help us attain our goal?" "Yes, and I don't have herpes." "I should have listened to you." "Meeting neighbors is a big mistake." "Meeting neighbors and calling them a prostitute, bigger mistake." "Plus we had to kick in 60 for the check." "What can we possibly say to her?" "That we're sorry and please keep playing the Bee Gees day or night as loud as she wants." "Not a good idea to be smiling right now." "I'm just so happy I don't have herpes." " Hi, is this a bad time?" " Yes." "Yes, I'm in the middle of having sex for money with every man in Brooklyn." "What do you horrible, horrible girls want?" "Here, you left part of your dream on the table." "And we want to apologize." "I'm new at this whole being-neighborly thing." " What does the fluffy one have to say?" " Thank you for being so generous and for offering to help us make more money to accomplish our dream." "This is supposed to make me feel better?" " You called me prostitute." " Actually, it's kind of a compliment." "We thought you were stunning enough men would pay to have sex with you." "This is true." "Hmm." "Come on in." "[ON TV] Thinkin' about those people then I know that in a thousand years" "Saturday Night Fever is my favorite movie." "Look at him." "He's so sexy." "He's not that cute." "Kind of oily." "You're right." "She would have made terrible prostitute." " It's a nice TV." " Yeah, brand new." "Have all my girls over the other night for viewing sleepover party." "It's also 3D." " Does it come with 3D glasses?" " Yeah, in the drawer there." " Here." " Max, it's not a 3D movie." "Who cares?" "It's 3D glasses." "Come on, you're always talking about wanting us to see things differently." "Ah, so cool." "This swing is a brilliant idea." "Yeah, it's for my porch at lake house." "But why wait?" "Dream is now." "More than a woman" "[English" " US" " SDH]"