"Can you believe it's Christmas already?" "No." "That's what I'm going to do today." "I haven't done any shopping yet." "At all." "is your mom and my mom planning some Christmas. traditional crap?" "I'm gonna ty and cook." "You're gonna ty and cook?" "Christmas Eve dinner." "The only thing you've ever cooked was SpaghettiOs and cereal." "l know." "What are you gonna ty to make?" "Turkey." "Ape said she's gonna help me." "She's gonna teach me how to do it." "Good luck on that one." "l know." "He's Bam Margera." "She's his fiancée, Missy." "These former childhood sweethearts are about to take the plunge and be ioined in an unholy union." "What are you gonna do tonight?" "Bar." "Why?" "'Cause I kind of wanted to do something Christmassy." "Okay." "What?" "I want to take you to this house that I used to go to all the time." "My mom and my dad used to take me there." "What's so cool about it?" "lt's decorated beautifully." "Can Novak come?" "l'd really rather not." "l'm coming." "Will you behave yourself?" "Scout's honour." "You're not a Boy Scout." "Let's go!" "Dude. they went all out." "lsn't it cool?" "We need to do something like this at our house." "Yeah. that would take a lot of time. dude." "Yeah. I'm not having you help." "You're gonna destroy eveything." "Does your dad ever dress up like Santa?" "Yeah. he did at Acme." "He'd probably make us a really good Santa." "He's good." "He's big and fat." "Did he do it evey year?" "And he's got a beard." "He laughs a lot." "Yeah." "What do you want for Christmas?" "I want something that you pick out by yourself and wrapped." "The problem with me is if I look in the window and I see a cool clothing that you would look good in." "I'll lust buy it and give it to you." "l don't like to wrap stuff." "Yeah." "That sounds like a lousy excuse..." "l don't like to wait." "...for lust not having the energy to go get me a Christmas present." "I'm not telling you what I'm gonna get you 'cause you'll probably wind up liking it." "Fine." "If I'm gonna decorate all day tomorrow with eveybody." "then can you get the Christmas tree?" "Sure. I'll do the tree." "You do the interior." "And the e_erior." "Cool." "Cool." "Let's go." "I never heard you plan something out so nice in my life." "Shut up." ""Shut up."" "All right." "let's stop by Fairman's." "Go to Ape's cookbook signing." "How lucky am I that I have a mother-in-law who's such a good cook that she puts her own book out?" "Oh. my gosh!" "She's gonna give me some lessons." "I want to do. like. a nice." "simple dinner for Christmas." "Hey. you better stick around a little bit longer." "l lust dropped by to say hi." "Hey. you." "I've been your athletic supporter." "you need to be mine." "That's not even funny!" "Now I'll be here all night." "Come on." "l gotta go." "Come on. man." "Come on." "l got stuff to plan." "Let's decorate this bitch." "Don't you got to take the white things off?" "Don't you gotta shut up?" "Look how worthless Novak is." "He's lust sitting there. commenting on how bad of a job I'm doing." "Dude. he's doing a horrible iob." "Sweetheart." "Can you run e_ension cords out in the back for me?" "l can do that." "Thanks." "Sweetheart. where's the plug?" "What?" "Over there." "Over there." "Where?" "Dude!" "Just go inside and watch television." "Are you ready for your cooking lesson?" "Ready as I'll ever be." "Dump all that in there." "Bam was always Mister. like." ""Christmastime." He loved presents." "And eveything else." "He hates holidays now." "And he'll buy you a present on Januay 12th..." "That's what he says." "...because it's "nothing."" "Buying it. wrapping it." "and exchanging it. that's what I want." "I don't care what it is." "It could be a freaking PEZ dispenser." "It's not that." "Get up higher!" "Now what?" "Now walk out on the beam." "and then we'll throw you some lights." "Hury up. asshole." "It's gonna be New Year's by the time we actually get this shit done." "Why are you here?" "Don't you gotta go skate or something?" "That knocked a fart right out of me. dude." "Don't you think we should have practised turkey today?" "Because we're not making lasagne for Christmas." "We're making turkey." "and I'm gonna have a freaking heart attack." "I'm scared I'm gonna ruin it for eveybody." "You're not gonna ruin it for eveybody." "It's gonna be fine." "and nobody's gonna go to the hospital or have ptomaine." "Bam got Seth to help with decorations." "Well. he's the person that you want to help." "I can't even imagine what they're gonna do to the house." "I hope it's tasteful." "Let's staple Novak to the front door with all his clothes and just decorate him." "Let's ty." "He deserves it 'cause all he did was ruin the tree and that's it." "Stop!" "Let me go!" "No!" "Put me down!" "Missy!" "Where's Missy?" "Stop!" "Get off me!" "No!" "Get over here!" "I don't want. I wanna get back to the bathroom where l was." "Get off of me!" "Leave me alone!" "Hog-tie his ass!" "This is the only time I ever wanted to see a cop car." "You guys are assholes." "Let me go!" "Mery Christmas." "Novak!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "No. stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Bam. seriously!" "Dude!" "Fucking pissing me off. dude." "I swear to fucking God." "if I get hurt. man... lt's not even fucking funny." "I'm not fucking laughing. man." "I want down. dude. I want fucking down." "You said you wanna go down?" "Dude." "Come on!" "I'm gonna fall. man." "It's not safe." "How about a live tree?" "Do we want to hassle with that?" "l mean. is it a lot of hassle?" "I don't think it's a great-looking tree." "lt's too short." "This is kind of nice." "ls this more bare. though?" "That one right ne_ to it is pretty nice." "That looks like it was drugged." "There's another good one." "That one's cute." "Or that one." "Or this one." "Or that one." "Let's get this one." "That's beautiful!" "l like it." "All right." "Well." "let's lust get it." "Good." "Okay." "Dude. how sick would it be if we had our own Christmas parade in West Chester?" "What would we have at the parade if we did?" "It would have to be Phil." "in the Santa outfit. of course." "Get some kind of skating going on." "for the kids." "Get some kind of skating going on." "for the kids." "Twenty Santas on roller skates." "Evey parade has a marching band to start it." "with a banner in the front." "If it's less than a week away." "then I seriously need to go to the Chamber of Commerce today." "Dude. pay that bill. and let's go over to the Chamber of Commerce." "Yes. sir." "And don't tell Missy." "'cause it's a surprise." "Do we put the lights on first or the garland on first?" "Are you kidding?" "Lights-a-rama." "Here." "The lights are always on first." "Where were you?" "l was gallivanting." "Gallivanting?" "Hi." "How was your day?" "Good." "You know." "Bam's out Christmas shopping." "You know that. right?" "If he says he's Christmas shopping." "sometimes he's somewhere else." "No." "Like. at the bar." "Look how ghetto our star looks." "Can you help us?" "Can you help the star?" "You need a tall guy." "Wait." "You're tall." "Maybe I could get on your shoulders." "Here. hold my hand on the other side." "You can totally do this." "Think "circus"." "I'm grabbing your feet." "Come on." "Miss." "Come on." "Miss." "Come on." "Miss!" "Yes!" "l think it looks really good." "l do. too." "l'm excited for him to come home to it." "l think he's gonna love it." "l think he is. too." "I think he's gonna love that he didn't have to do anything to help." "Yeah. really." "Damn." "look at this ioint." "Dude. it looks awesome." "Your neighbours might actually like you for once." "Hey." "Hey." "l worked really hard today." "So did I." "Do you like it?" "ls that a fake tree?" "No." "I got sap on my hands." "Dude." "look at the potential of this roof." "l know." "We could have a mall-sized tree right there." "Where would you find a tree that big?" "We live in the woods." "Hello." "Hi!" "l'm sory." "That's all right." "Well. I started the stuffing." "I lust wanted to start it." "so we can get it in." "I got up at 7:30 this morning and went to get wrapping paper." "gift cards. all the last-minute stuff." "I haven't heard anybody up there." "I don't even think Bam's here." "No. his car wasn't here." "Maybe he's shopping." "Let's take the shortcut." "Oh. my God." "You're making April happier as we speak." "Why?" "Because you're driving over her lawn." "And Ape had the gall to say that there's not a big enough tree around here." "She's got one in her backyard." "That's pretty tall." "That's fucking pe_ect height." "right there." "April's gonna fucking kill you. dude." "Sory." "Ape. but we need a bigger tree!" "We got this going." "All you need to do is stir that." "and we got to chop up some of this stuff." "We also have to peel potatoes." "I can peel potatoes. I can cut bread." "I can stir. I can't do that." "You can't do this?" "Oh. my God!" "What is that?" "What?" "It's the neck." "Well. what do you think giblet gra_ is?" "I thought it came in a can." "It does after it's cooked with the neck and the gizzards." "That's disgusting." "April's gonna kill you. dude!" "You're taking one of the main trees down!" "Look. she hates trees!" "Yo." "Phil!" "Hey." "What's going on?" "We need a tree." "We made a tree yesterday." "That thing is puny." "l don't care. but did you talk to Ape?" "No." "She might care." "Okay. that's good." "Yeah!" "Let's go." "How are you getting it there?" "l'm gonna drag it with the Hummer." "You are?" "lt's only 10 miles." "l know." "That's good." "Hold up!" "Bam!" "Hold up!" "Hold up!" "Bam!" "All right." "Are we gonna mix it in that bowl?" "Well. the best thing to do..." "Just get in there and mush it with your hands." "With my hands?" "You get in there and go..." "Are you turning me from Missy Rothstein to Missy Margera to Martha Stewart all in one sweep?" "You're gonna be Missy Stewart by the time we're done with you." "Just stuff some down in there." "You can do it." "l feel so perverted!" "Oh. my God!" "Dude. I can't believe we're fucking dragging a 50-foot tree." "It's massive." "Yeah. but think what people that pass us think." "Dude. you're an asshole." "You're a holiday asshole." "Yeah. right. I have my holiday spirit." "This is absurd." "Oh. yo. yo. yo!" "It's gone!" "Oh!" "Oh. fuck. dude." "That was like the worst spot ever." "It's blocking the whole road." "Bam. back this up. and we'll tie it to it." "Come on." "Dico." "There's no time!" "Push it to the side!" "Yo. we should really have eveybody help." "Let's get this shit out of here aS soon as We Can ." "Just go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Dude. there's gonna be a disaster." "Oh. my..." "Phil!" "What tree by the driveway?" "We are home." "We have made it." "Hey." "Sweetheart!" "We need some help over here!" "We got ourselves a tree." "Oh. my gosh. I got to go." "What is going on?" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Bam!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "What are you doing?" "Bam!" "Stop right now!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Your new floor!" "Bam!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop. guys!" "Stop!" "What is that?" "l got it from your house." "What is that?" "l got it from your house." "What did you do?" "What are you even thinking?" "Missy!" "Talk to him!" "Where's your holiday spirit?" "Bye!" "Don't touch it." "l'm going down to cook." "Please?" "Bam." "l'm cooking." "lt's your problem!" "Seth. we need to rearrange this table." "There's a new Mrs Margera in town." "and I'm leaving." "Let's get this sombitch up." "Let's ty it again." "Ready?" "Three. two. one!" "We lust put potpourri out." "There's no chain saws." "Potpourri?" "We're moving a 50-foot fucking tree!" "You're talking about potpourri?" "Missy. are you even around here an_here?" "l'm up here." "Are you okay?" "No." "Yeah. we got it." "Whoop." "Keep going." "Don't drop it." "Right there." "Pull it." "Pull it around!" "Go!" "There we go." "Looks pretty good." "Well." "let's decorate the sombitch." "Hey. guys!" "How you doing?" "Wow." "Eveything smells good." "Look what I did!" "Look what I did!" "Your first turkey?" "I'm so proud of you." "l'm glad you're here." "Yeah." "lt's been a long day." "That looks good." "Okay. so. now what?" "I'm still tying to get over the fact that you cooked dinner." "I did." "No." "Turkey. stuffing." "mashed potatoes. corn. peas." "Here's to Missy and her first time cooking" "Christmas Eve dinner." "You did a great job!" "Thank you." "Missy's first Christmas dinner." "Here goes nothing." "I'm a little scared." "but I'm sure it'll be okay." "Turkey!" "We want it!" "It's here." "It's here." "It's here." "It's here." "Well. if the tree wasn't in our way." "this would be a little bit easier." "What is that?" "Oh. my God." "You call that a proper tree?" "Yeah. it's a proper tree." "It's 40 feet tall." "I think Marian and I want to have a toast to Missy and to our families finally getting together for the first Christmas." "You did a great iob. and we love you." "Thanks." "Ape." "Yum. yum." "Yeah!" "Bam. are we allowed to start eating." "or you gonna do the grace stuff?" "Fuck grace." "Your meal's not gonna be blessed now." "Before we're done dinner." "there's something that I wanted to show you guys and ask Bam in front of all of you." "What's up?" "So. babe. I was browsing through the newspaper this morning." "and I'd really like it if you could explain this." "What is it?" ""Council votes to allow 'Bam' parade."" "What parade?" "What is that?" "lt was suppose to be a secret." "He planned a parade." "A Christmas parade." "For who?" "For the Margeras and the Rothsteins and friends." "Do you hate it or like it?" "l like it." "l think it's great!" "I'm totally surprised." "How many palms did you have to grease to get this to go through?" "Yo. babe." "One day. I got you this piece-of-shit gift." "Wait. did you wrap it yourself. too?" "You could tell." "Take a look at it." "Missy. open it!" "It's a red box!" "Yay!" "What is it?" "What is it?" "What is it?" "Let us see." "lt is a trinity ring." "Let me see it. I never saw it." "That's beautiful." "Missy. that is gorgeous!" "You almost made her cy." "Bam. you did great." "This lust got you off the hook for anything you've ever done wrong." "Oh." "God." "Don't give him any of that." "No. I said. in the past." "Mery Christmas." "Gay Street!" "Come to the parade!" "It better not rain on my parade." "I just felt two drops." "All right. fuck it." "The parade starts now." "Ho. ho. ho!" "Mery Christmas!" "Mery Christmas." "West Chester!" "Mery Christmas!" "Ho. ho. ho!" "Mery Christmas." "West Chester!" "Mery Christmas!" "Thanks for coming!" "Mery Christmas!" "Mery Christmas. baby." "You. too." "You like the parade I rigged for you?" "l love it." "Mery Christmas!" "Seth. it's awesome." "Mery Christmas." "Bam." "Thanks. dude. I love it." "This is better than the house in your hometown." "Looks beautiful." "Can we keep it." "even in the summertime?" "Hey." "Peter Pan. a present came for you." "From who?" "From Ryan Dunn." "What is it?" ""To Bam." "Love." "Dunn."" "What a dick." "Oh. my God. I've never seen you react like that before." "How would I not know that..." "Oh. come here." "Are you okay?" "What a cock."