"Ronnie Chieng International Student 1x05 "For the love of theatre(ah)(her)" July 5, 2017" "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" " RONNY:" "Why would he say that?" " ASHER:" "It's true." "It's what he does." "(RONNY LAUGHS)" "My Dad talks like he's in constant argument with himself." "He's like, "Oh, yeah." "Nah." "Yeah." "Nah."" " (LAUGHS) - "Yeah." "Nah." (CHUCKLES)" "And then when he gets really worked up, he just communicates with neck spasms." ""Yeah." "Nah." "Yeah." "Nah." "Yeah." "Nah."" "(LAUGHS) Sounds exhausting." "Who else can you do?" " I think I can do Professor Dale." " Yeah, let's see it." ""Good morning, everyone." " "The law is about conflict..." - (LAUGHS)" ""which is why today I'm going to be teaching you" ""how to dispose of a dead body."" " Is that Cosby or Dale?" " (BOTH LAUGH)" "Hey, why are we talking about impersonations?" "I'm auditioning for the Law Faculty comedy show in, like, 10 minutes." " The what?" " The Law Faculty comedy show." "It's an annual comedy sketch show written and performed by law students." "It's got real famous alumni." "Hacky Norman, Bob Bedders, Feelgood Gangsters." "Hey, you should audition with me." "Uh, join a bunch of self-indulgent, self-centred, self-absorbed, type-A-personality law students who think they're God's gift to comedy?" "No, thank you." "Come on." "It'll be fun." "We'll get to hang out." "Uh..." "let me think about it." " (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - (LAUGHS)" "Well, I'm going." "If you change your mind, auditions on the third floor." "Okay, thank you." " (DRINK SPILLS)" " Oh, my God!" " No... no, no, no..." " Oh, I'm sorry!" "It's fine." "No, it's fine." "Go, go, go." "I don't like these pants anyway." "Yeah, just go." "Don't be late." "See you later." "CRAIG:" "Will you guys just bang already?" "We're just friends, man." "Yeah?" "Friends can bang." "Listen, I know to your primitive, impulse-driven mind the concept of a platonic relationship between a man and a woman is completely incomprehensible." "You might be friends now, but you are one heartbeat away from looking at her differently, and then everything changes." "(DREAMY MUSIC)" " (MUSIC STOPS)" " What?" "No!" "That's crazy talk!" " WEI JUN:" "It's going to happen." " CRAIG:" "Yeah." "It's a good thing you're not doing that comedy whatever show." "Spending weeks together performing." "All those raw emotions." "Sweat and tears." "The physical contact." "(SCOFFS) Are you kidding me?" "Interesting." " I gotta go for class." " There's no more classes today." "It's an extra class!" "There are no more classes today!" "You are lying!" "You go, Ronny Chieng!" "Go make a half-white, half-Asian baby!" "You know, halfies are super cute." "MAN:" "Hi-ya-wa!" "Huh!" "Loud." "Loud!" "Hyuh!" "Whoo!" "Auditions!" "Yeah!" " Your first time?" " Yeah." "You?" "Nah, I've been doing it every year for the past, oh, six years." "Wow." "You've been at university for six years?" "Oh, no, I graduated two years ago." "I just love it, you know?" " Performing is my addiction!" "Whoo!" " (LAUGHS)" "Hi-ya-wa!" "Ha-ya-wa!" "Huh!" "Loud." "Loud!" "Hyuh!" "Whoo!" "Ha-yuh!" "(DREAMY MUSIC)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" " ASHER:" "Hey." "You came." " Hey." "What made you change your mind?" "You know." "Meet new people." "Get out of my comfort zone." "WHOO!" "WHOO!" "Ha-wa-ya!" "Hi-ya-wa!" "Oh, no." "Please tell me he's not auditioning." "Good morning, everyone." "Ronny." "Come gather round." "My name is Daniel Trembley-Burchell, and I am honoured to have been chosen as the youngest director in the illustrious history of the Law Faculty comedy show." " (APPLAUSE)" " Shit!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Uh, by means of background," "I was the lead in my school musical three times in a row..." "Guys And Dolls, Barnum and Pirates Of Penzance, so I am the very model of a modern major theatre performer." "(LAUGHTER)" "Now, let's warm up with a quick game of zip-zap-zoom." " So, circle up." " Yes!" "Love zip-zap-zoom!" " Zip!" " Zap!" " Zoom!" " Zip!" " Uh... zap!" " Zip!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "(SIGHS) I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I..." "I know it was zoom." "I know it was zoom." " Of course it was zoom!" " It's just a warm-up." "Okay, uh, moving on." "Uh, when I point to you, give me your name and your best impersonation." "I'm sorry." "I'm just gonna need a moment." "Uh, okay." "You take as long as you need." " Uh, okay, go." " Uh, I'm Henry..." "Got one." "I got one." "I got one." " I'm on." "I'm on." "I'm on." " Uh... okay." "(GRUNTS) "Do it!" ""Just do it!" ""Don't let your dreams be dreams!" ""Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so just do it!" ""Make your dreams come true." "Do it!" ""What are you waiting for?" "!" ""Do it!" ""Just... do it!" ""Yes, you can!" ""Just... do it!" ""Just..." ""do it!"" "(GRUNTS)" "What was that?" "Shia LaBeouf." "Oh, okay." "Uh, next?" "Uh, hi." "I'm Asher, and this is Colin Firth." ""I love you... and I'm angry about it!"" " (ALL LAUGH)" " Okay, very good." " (APPLAUSE)" " Very good." "Uh..." "Ronny." "Um, hi." "I'm Ronny, and, uh, I don't really do impersonations." "(ALL LAUGH)" "That character is hilarious!" "Oh, right." "I'm actually not doing a character right now." "I'm just talking." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Ronny, I know you're not doing a character, but that doesn't mean that it can't be one, right?" "JUST DO IT!" "DANIEL:" "Okay, funny people." "Thank you so much for coming." "I'll be posting a list of everyone who made it tonight." "Ah." "Asher?" "I just wanted to say that was one of the best auditions I've seen and I wanted to let you know in person that you're in." "Thank you so much!" "(LAUGHS)" " Chieng." " Hey, man, listen, all right?" "I get it." "You don't want me to be a part of your thing, blah blah blah." "Whatever." " I didn't want to be a part anyway." " I'm offering you a part in the show." "Oh." "Okay." "If you think that I'm petty enough to let our previous animosity get in the way of art, you've seriously misjudged me." "So, are you in?" "Yeah." "Okay, I guess." "Yeah." "I can't believe we've both got in!" " Did I get in?" " No." "I DIDN'T DO IT!" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Why are you guys still here?" " (LAUGHS)" " How did your 'extra class' go?" "Oh." "I actually, um... went to audition for the law comedy show." "No shit." "So, how did you go?" "Well, we both got in." "What?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Well done!" "Well, that's too bad." "I mean, now you're gonna have to spend all that quality time together." "Ronny, if you like her, just tell her." "Oh." "Oh, really?" "Oh, wow." "I didn't know it was so simple!" "Thank you for telling me that!" "CRAIG:" "You'd better be sure about this, man." "When a guy decides to fall in love with a friend and the feeling isn't mutual, things can get ugly, trust me." "You don't decide to fall in love with someone." "It's an emotion." "Sure." "Real emotional." "Are you done?" "Almost." "(GRUNTS)" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm done." "(SIGHS)" "DANIEL:" "So, you remember what your card was?" "Yep." " That your card?" " No, it wasn't." "DANIEL:" "Okay." "That... that's..." "that's a disappointment." "Maybe if you check inside your breast pocket." "(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!" "This is my card!" "It has my signature, even." "How did you do that?" "Ah, a magician never reveals his tricks." "Although, the key is finding the right volunteer." "Ah, Chieng!" "Just the person I wanted to see." "I've got a character that I think you're gonna be perfect for." "It is a classic outsider struggling to fit into a foreign situation." "Is it the 'Angry Asian Laundry Man'?" "Yeah." "I wrote it specifically for you." "Uh, okay." ""Hello, Sir." "Is this the laundromat?"" ""Yes." "This is the... raundromat."" ""Can I get this suit cleaned?"" "Then it just says "say something angry in Chinese"." "Yeah." "Can you do that?" "(SPEAKS CHINESE)" "No, no, no." "Like, much... angrier." "You know, he is the Angry Asian Laundry Man, after all." "James, can you come over here and show Ronny how it might be done?" "Sure." "Okay." ""Hello, Sir." "Can I get this suit cleaned?"" "(SPEAKS ANGRILY IN CHINESE)" "End scene." "Great work today, funny people!" "See you tomorrow." "Okay, what have you got?" "Hey." "Do you want to, like, go for a coffee or something?" "I'd love to, but Daniel just asked me to work on some improv with him." " Is everything okay?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." "Of course." "Fine." " Ronny." "Great work today." " Thank you." "I think Angry Asian Laundry Man is coming along." "He just needs... some motivation." "Yeah, maybe someone gave him a really shitty job." "Yeah, yeah, maybe." "Asher, are you ready to go?" " Yep." " Great." "So, I'll just see you tomorrow, yeah?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "Sure." "See you tomorrow." "WEI JUN:" "Mmm." "Hey." "How was it?" "The rehearsal?" "Yeah, it was fine." " We had this weird..." " No, did you ask her out or not?" "I was going to, but then she had this one-on-one session with Daniel, the director, so..." "Oh." "Uh-oh." "Uh-oh what?" "Yeah..." "I don't want to talk about it." "Relax." "The way you're acting, it's like you never had a girlfriend before." "Have you never had a girlfriend before?" "!" " (LAUGHS)" " No way!" "(LAUGHS)" "Okay, buddy, look." "I can help you out." "Come on." "Have a seat." "Get your phone out." "Come on." "You've come to the right place." "Okay, but if I do this, will you both leave me alone?" "BOTH:" "Yes." "Okay." "Send her a message and ask her out." "Mm-hm." "And tell her you like her." "Okay, now, put a smiley face at the end." "You want to let her know you're just being casual." "Don't put a smiley face." "It reeks of desperation." "Okay, just an X." "No X!" "Keep it cool." "Well, at least put an LOL." "How else will she know you're not taking it seriously?" "I'm actually more of a 'haha' person." "As a girl, I am telling you, sending that would make me think you are crazy weirdo." "I've been studying seduction community techniques since I was 16." "I know what I'm talking about." "That is the most loser sentence I have ever heard." "Don't put any of that shit and just press 'send'!" "Okay!" "I'm just sending it!" "So." "Now the battle of wills begins." "Do not, I repeat, do not send her a message until she replies, okay?" "Stay strong." "Don't cave." "If she doesn't reply in 15 minutes, fuck it." "It's over." "Again, dumb!" "If she doesn't reply," "I'll just send her a message to see what she's doing tomorrow and then we will know if she's busy or stalling." "Don't do that!" "She'll know you're running reconnaissance for him." "Guys, this is crazy!" "All right?" "We're not planning an invasion." "(PHONE CHIMES)" " (GASPS)" " What did it say?" "She said... "Sure."" "Well, is there a smiley face after it?" "No!" "You know what?" "I'm done." "I'm going to bed." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Slow down." "Slow down, okay?" "What's your plan for tomorrow?" "Yeah, what are you gonna do on this date?" "I don't know." "Take her for dinner and I'll get her, like, a rose." " A single red rose?" " Yeah." "Why don't you just show up with a hockey mask and a machete?" "I agree." "You cannot buy her flower on the first date." "You don't even know if she likes you yet." "Why?" "When you like someone, you get them a rose." "It's romantic." "The only difference between being romantic or creepy is if the girl likes you." "So before you go doing anything drastic, confirm mutual attraction by looking for signals." "All right." "Like what?" "For example, if she makes physical contact with you at least three times during the date, it's not an accident." "Three strikes and you're in." "Okay, this might sound crazy, but maybe you just listen to what she is saying." "No, don't do that." "That never works." "Three strikes and you're in." "Doesn't three strikes mean you're out?" " No." "Three strikes mean you're in." " Out!" " In!" " Out!" " In!" " Out!" " In!" " Out!" "RONNY:" "After you." "What's the special occasion?" "I thought we'd just go to the burger joint next to the library." "Yeah, I just want to try something new." "You know, I found this place online." "Super high ratings." "Experimental but enjoyable fusion Asian-Australian restaurant." "Mmm." "Cool." "RONNY:" "She just touched me." "Was that an accident?" "She had enough space to walk, so it must have been on purpose." "But why would she touch me then?" "What does that mean?" "Ni hao, mates." "Welcome to W:" "East." "Today's specials are Peking duck parmigiana, a barbecue pork bun pizza and a beef brisket noodle sandwich." "Sounds great." "Thanks." "I don't know about mixing these two cultures." "They both work so well individually, but when you put them together, it kind of feels like it ruins them both." "No." "I don't think so." "At least they give it a try, right?" "Wouldn't not knowing be even worse?" "Is that a fork and chopstick?" "Oh!" "We have contact!" "That's two in 30 seconds." "But maybe she was genuinely curious about the..." "Wait... what is this, a fork-stick?" "You know, I still can't believe you're doing this comedy law show." "Uh... you know, sometimes you've just got to... follow your passions." "I know, right?" "That's it!" "That's it!" "That's strike three!" "That's no accident!" "Just say it." "Just say it, man!" "Just do it!" " I have feelings for..." " Daniel said the same thing." "BOTH:" "What?" "No, you first." "Last night, he said great comedy comes from the heart." "Oh, yeah?" "What else did he say at this comedy masterclass?" "I was showing him some of my characters, like my Dad, but he said I should be doing broader, more accessible characters instead." "I actually think good comedy comes from the unique stories that only you can tell." "Like your Dad." "That's not what Daniel said." "I've got to be honest, I don't really give a fuck what Daniel says about comedy... or about anything." "Whoa." "I know you have a history with him, but he's let it go." "Why can't you?" "I did." "But he's given me this stereotypically bad Asian character." "I can't tell whether it's on purpose or if he's just stupid." "(MIMICS HIM) "Daniel is so stupid." ""This show is terrible." "Everything is terrible." ""I'm right and everyone else is wrong." (CHUCKLES)" "Okay, just so you know," "I don't actually think everything is always terrible." "It's just a coincidence that in this particular instance, everything about that show is terrible." "If you don't like it, why don't you just leave?" "Never heard an Australian say that before." "I didn't mean it like that." " I was just joking." " Well, I didn't find it funny." "Well, for someone on a comedy show, you really can't take a joke." "I can take a joke, but it wasn't funny." "You're being kind of annoying right now." "Well, now you know how I feel when you bring up Daniel." "Well... you don't have to listen to me talk anymore." "Wait." "Asher, I'm sorry." "Wait." "Okay, was that a signal or was that anger?" "There's no strike four, so... definitely anger." "You're so caught up in your own head." "This isn't just some TV show about you." "Get over yourself." "But I had, like, four strikes!" "You really blew that one." "Yeah?" "Well, wontons don't belong in pies!" "Fuckin' right, mate." " (WEI JUN SPEAKS QUIETLY)" " CRAIG:" "He's got a gift." "Hey, hey, hey." "So?" "So?" "I should have bought her a rose!" " Did you get three strikes?" " No!" "Well... yes." "You didn't tell her how you felt?" "No!" "Goodnight!" "Oh." "Poor little guy." "Looks heartbroken." "I told you the three-strike thing was stupid." "Hey, it works." "He just fucked it up." "You think just because somebody touches you like this, it means that they like you?" "Yes." "Three times." "I do." " That's strike one." " What?" "!" "And... and this?" "Strike two." " And this?" " Oh!" "Just so you know, I'm choosing to feel this." "You're not choosing shit!" "MAN:" "Huge." "Huge." "Huge." "Tiger..." " Pup, pup, pup, pup, pup." " Yeah." "Uh." " Waah." "Waaaaah." " Yeah." "Uh." "Hello, funny people." "I just wanted to say..." "I can feel a real tangible sense of excitement in the room today for our first full dress rehearsal." "Now, I didn't want to alarm anyone beforehand, but today, we're also going to be joined by a focus panel representing a cross-section of the university." "Now, as we are an official Law School production, they're here to provide feedback as well as make sure that the show appropriately represents the university, which, of course, I'm sure that it does." "Now, no pressure." "Just be your usual hilarious selves... and action!" "(ALL CHEER)" "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm turning on the TV." "(DANIEL LAUGHS)" "(WAILS) Urggggh!" "I am the president!" "I want to be the president!" "Urggggh!" "WOMAN:" "Hello, Sir." "Is this a laundromat?" "(FLATLY) Yes." "This is the raundromat." "Great." "Can you wash this suit, please?" "(SPEAKS CHINESE FLATLY)" "(DANIEL GRUNTS OFFSTAGE)" "(LAUGHS)" "Wh-whoa!" "Oh!" "Ugh!" "Whoa!" "You've just taken a terrible tumble!" "Who are you?" "I'm the Greek economy!" "Oh!" "Ja!" "I vill help you!" "(GASPS)" "(COCKNEY ACCENT) I don't want nothin' to do with this!" "I'm leaving this shop!" "But where's the, uh..." "Brexit?" "(DANIEL LAUGHS)" "(SIGHS) Satire." "(RAPS) ♪ I'm the Rappin' Judge Oh, that's my name ♪" "♪ And I'm here to make my statement ♪" "ALL: ♪ Of claim ♪" "♪ I'm droppin' directions to stop your objections ♪" "♪ My judgements don't need no correction ♪" "♪ Check it out." "What?" "Huh!" "♪" "♪ I wanna see you "hey-hey-ho" ♪" "ALL: ♪ Hey-oh!" "Go, judge!" "Go, judge!" "♪" "♪ Go, judge!" "Go, judge!" "♪" "♪ Whoo!" "♪" "♪ Yeah!" "♪" "♪ This court is adjourned!" "♪" "Bravo!" "Encore!" " (SIGHS)" " MAN:" "Okay, I have a question." "Can I ask why there aren't more gay people in the show?" "James is gay." "But how is the audience supposed to know that?" "Do you want to see a..." "penis go into an arsehole?" "Yeah, that might work." "I'm very disappointed with the lack of Asian representation." "The only Asian guy there is doing the stereotypical accent." "RONNY:" "Oh, the accent's what you have a problem with?" "So, you want more Asians but you want them less Asian?" "Is that right?" "Ronny came up with that whole thing himself, but I'm happy to cut it." "What?" "No, no." "Wait." "I didn't even write that." "I actually..." "I actually agree with you." "This is a shitty character." "But you went along with it." "Yeah, but... only because..." "DANIEL:" "Ronny, sometimes we have to pick our battles." "We can find something else for you to do." "You could... hold the giant gavel in the finale." "Actually, you know what?" "I'm..." "I'm out." "Okay, now I'm really concerned about the lack of Asians." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "DANIEL:" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Law Faculty comedy show," "You Have The Right To Remain Funny!" "(SILENCE)" "After taking on... a great deal of feedback," "I've decided to make a last-minute change." "The show will now begin with a tribute to the art of improvisational comedy." "Asher?" "I didn't know we were doing this." "That's improv." "And action." "Okay." "I need a celebrity and a location." "(SILENCE)" "(WHISPERS) Just go!" "Do anything!" "Anyone?" "Please?" "The name of someone famous." "Arnold Schwarzenegger." "Great." "And a location?" "At a funeral." "Okay." "Arnold Schwarzenegger at a funeral." "(MIMICS ARNOLD) "I'll be back." ""Unlike you, who are dead." ""You will not be back." ""Get in the... coffin." ""Hasta la vista, body!"" "Okay." "Next?" "Someone say anything." "Your Dad!" "At his farm!" ""Oh, yeah." "Nah." " "Oh, yeah." "Nah." - (AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)" ""Yeah." "Nah."" "Uh, Professor Dale at his lecture!" ""Good morning, everyone." " "Today..." - (LAUGHTER)" ""I'm going to be teaching you how to dispose of a dead body" ""so it can't be found."" "(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)" "An angry Asian man who was a piece of shit to his friend!" " "You're so stupid!" "This is terrible!" " (LAUGHTER)" ""Everything is terrible!" "Everyone is stupid!"" "I guess Daniel was right." "That character is pretty funny." ""Yeah, Mom, I get it!" "I get it, Mom!" "Roll it all the way down the shaft!" ""What is this, fucking amateur hour?"" "Keep going!" "Shia LaBeouf!" ""Just... do it!"" " (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - "Just do it!" ""Don't let your dreams be dreams!" ""JUST DO IT!"" " (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" " Yeah!" "Whoo!" "(GRUNTS) Uh!" "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!" "Yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Ohh." "That's nice." "Chieng!" "I just wanted you to know, there's no hard feelings from me." "Creative differences are just part of theatre..." "Shut the fuck up, Daniel!" " Ronny." " Asher." "Thanks for saving my arse on stage." "Oh, what?" "No, I didn't do anything." "That was all you." "That was awesome." "It was incredible." "Just the stuff you were doing." "Hey, listen..." "I'm really sorry for being such a dick..." "Hang on." "Me first." "I'm sorry." "I got so caught up doing this show, I forgot what a good friend you are, and..." "I never want our friendship to change." "Oh, yeah..." "Yeah, I..." "That..." "You know, that's exactly what I came here to tell you." "It's, like, amazing how we're always on the same page." "I don't want our..." "friendship to change either." "(CORK POPS, ALL CHEER)" "DANIEL:" "Asher." "Come on." "(LAUGHTER, CONVERSATION)" "DALE:" "The open-book exam is in two days." "You may be inclined to prayer, but God himself would fail this exam." "My whole semester on this." "It's all yours." "Thanks so much!" "But don't share with anybody!" "CRAIG:" "Over-the-counter cold and flu tablets." "You use these to study?" "You might experience anxiety, depression, aggression, paranoia." "Apart from that, it's awesome." "I'm sold." "Do you have any more cold and flu tablets on you?" "!" " Got a whole new batch." " All right!" "Whoo!" "With these notes, I will be unstoppable!" "Just give me my A right now!" "Whoo!" "Have you seen these exam notes that have been going around?" "They are fantastic." "Oh, shit!"