"Merry crap-mas, everyone." "This sucks." "(sighs)" "Okay, guys." "I know christmas didn't go exactly how we planned." "We don't have any presents under the tree." " We don't have a tree." " But santa..." "Santa called." "He's not gonna be able to make it this year." "But here's the thing..." "we have each other." "We got through another year together, and that's what really matters." " Yay, none of us died." " (angrily) Merry christmas." "So this is what we're gonna do, okay?" "We're gonna go downstairs, and we are gonna make the best of this." "All right?" "Let's go." "Come on." "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "God bless us, every one!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "(squealing)" "S01E09 Merry Crap-Mas" "Did you get Max's Ipad?" "I think we forgot the Ipad." "We didn't forget it." "It's right there." "It's the blue wrapping paper." "Are you sure that's the Ipad?" "Honey, you tend to remember something you bought your 8-year-old that you're gonna be paying for for the next three years." "Okay, I got Amber's snowboard, and our list is officially complete." "(groans) The rest is up to Santa." "Ho!" "(grunts) (grunts)" "(knocks on door)" "Hello!" "Hey, guys!" "What's with the apron?" "You cooking something?" "No." "I just like what it does for my silhouette." "He loves the apron." "So, guys, we need a small favor." "We need a place to hide our christmas gifts." "We got some nosy kids, and..." "Christmas!" "I've been so excited for this one!" "Oh, you people." "So, we're not excited about this one, either?" " Here we go." " You mean the orgy of commercialism" "I've been hearing about since March?" "No." "I just don't see how two relatively sane human beings can participate in such an insane holiday." "Oh, it's not insane, Larry." "It's fun for us, and for the kids, and Abby's 6, and she still gets caught up in the magic of it all." "Ah, there it is." "Abby." "It's always about "Abby."" "Don't put my daughter in quotations, Larry." "What's so special about that little girl?" "Nothing, as far as I can see." "Yet you two have concocted yet another excuse to lavish both her and the more worthwhile Weaver children with disposable commercial crap." " Larry, you've got it all wrong." " Okay, christmas is about family and smiles and the joy of being together." "The gifts are just one tiny part of it." "Oh, yes." "And there's that fat, slovenly burglar you call Santa Claus." "Honestly." "Put on an apron for god's sake, fatso." "He's struggling with Santa Claus." "Of course you can keep your presents here." " All right, get around back." " Ready, babe?" " 1... 2..." " Watch the top." " Wheel your barrow your full of crap..." " I'm okay." " (Marty) The door." "The door." " Oh!" "Oh!" "(shouting indistinctly) Man down." "Man down." "All right." "Yeah, we got it." "(shouting indistinctly) Just watch the floors." "They're bamboo." "I got it." "Yes." "Okay." "(man) ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪" "♪ fa la-la-la-la, la la-la-la ♪" "(sighs)" "What's wrong?" "(clicks tongue)" "Do you think Larry's right, and we're too caught up in the presents?" "No, babe." "Larry's just being Larry, okay?" "Our kids understand the meaning of christmas." "They don't even need presents." "Hey, mom, make sure my snowboard has step-in bindings and not those lame straps." "(singsongy) We'll see what Santa brings." "Yeah, uh, don't even worry about wrapping it." "It's just gonna slow me down." "Also, Jeremy called, and it turns out we're going on the ski trip the day before christmas instead of the day after, so I'm gonna need my presents early." "Hold up, Amber." " This family celebrates christmas together." " Yeah." "Yeah." "I'll text you from the mountain." "What..." "Well, I'll be here." "And I want some new games for the Xbox." "Wait." "I thought you wanted an Ipad." "I'll multitask." "Oh, and I also want a new bike." "A new bike." "What about you, huh?" "You have any changes you'd like to make?" "Nah." "Santa knows what I want." "He'll take care of me." "Oh, and, uh, here's my new list." "I've highlighted the changes." "Be sure to look at page 3." "Page 3." "You should probably fax it." "It's getting pretty late." "Okay, I'll get on that." "Thank you." "God!" "What the hell?" "Is this the constitution?" "Who makes amendments to a christmas list?" "You know what?" "You're right." "It's become all about this stuff." "Our kids are completely out of control." "I hated all three of them just now, Marty." "In that moment, I hated all three of our children." "You know what?" "Maybe we should try something different this year." "Forget the presents." "Let's take a nice vacation somewhere and hang with the family for christmas." "Somewhere nice." "Maybe somewhere tropical." "Yeah, but we can't afford tropical." "We just spent a buttload of money on all their presents." "No!" "We return the presents and we use the money for the trip!" " Can we do that?" " We're the parents." "We named those greedy little monsters." " We can do whatever we want!" " Oh, my god!" "We could have christmas tans." "(squeals)" "I'm gonna be brown for the super bowl!" "(Larry Bird) Look at this bloated pile of consumerism." "And most of it for that little girl." "What's her deal?" "Is she really that cute?" "She is pretty cute, husband." "Dad, she's pretty much the cutest kid ever." "And her teeth keep on falling out of her face." "What's gonna fall off next, her nose?" "Oh, father!" "I love it when you make fun of children." "The whole thing is ridiculous." "I mean, what could possibly be this shape, and yet be so exciting to receive?" "No, really." "It's not a rhetorical question." " What do you think it is?" " It looks like a giant board, perhaps for some sort of, um, winter sport." "Don't be a dolt, Reggie." "(Abby) What's the surprise?" "(Debbie) Well, your dad and I were talking," "And we decided to do christmas a little different this year." "Presents early?" "No." "Can we do jewish christmas and get presents for eight days?" "What?" "No." "We decided that instead of presents this year..." "We're going on a family trip!" "(laughing)" "(laughing)" "We're not joking." "(laughing stops)" "They're not joking!" "You're not joking?" "What kind of sick game are you playing?" "We're just children!" "(men harmonizing) ♪ Merry christmas" "Perhaps it's a galapagos turtle with a flattened shell." "A giant stick of gum?" "Okay, one more time, why are we so quick to dismiss snowboard?" "(paper rips) (gasps)" "Oh, my. (scoffs)" "(ripping)" "Oh, that felt really, really good." "Oh." "(gasps)" "(exhales)" "It's beautiful." " What is it, husband?" " It's a... it's... it's..." " It's a thing." " (Jackie Joyner-Kersee) Oh." " And it's glorious." " Okay, was that as fun as it looked?" "Even better." " (gasps) I want one!" " Me, too!" " Yes!" "Presents for everyone!" " Oh!" "(andy williams) ♪ it's most wonderful time ♪" "♪ of the year" "♪ There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing ♪" "♪ when loved ones are near" "I got a bike!" "Cool!" "♪ wonderful time (glass shatters)" "Christmas is the best thing ever!" "Yeah!" "So no presents for christmas this year?" "Great." "You've ruined the one day a year I actually find this family tolerable." "So just to be clear," "I've been good all year, and I'm getting lumped in with her?" "Well, I guess a trip for the family sounds fun." "Oh, zip it, kiss-ass." "You already told me I could go on a trip with Jeremy." "Okay." "I think we've all lost sight of what christmas is really about." "It is not about presents." "It's about being together, and we are gonna go away as a family, all of us." "Does this mean we have to return the presents we got for you?" "You got us presents?" "Of course not, but do you see how that feels?" "Mommy, I'm confused." "I saw Santa at the mall, and he said I was very good this year, and I would be getting everything I asked for." "Well, don't worry about that, sweetie, because daddy was texting back and forth with Santa this morning, and guess what?" " He approved our trip!" " You know what?" "That's interesting," "Because I was skype-ing with Santa after you finished texting with him, and he said that I could go on a ski trip with my friends." "What?" "I know Santa, too." "All right." "You know what, smart-mouth?" "Let me be really clear." "You are not going on your ski trip." "So lame." "Come on, guys." "Let's go to our rooms before they take those away, too." "Can you remind me again why want to be alone on island with these children?" "("deck the halls" playing)" "(Larry Bird) That "christmas carol" is a wonderful story." "I love the ghost." "Agreed." "Although I didn't like tiny Tim." "Little, weird, and totally unrelatable." "I admit it." "I was wrong about christmas." "It's a lovely holiday." "The things, the trees, the snow." "Mmm." "The things." "Christmas is magical, father!" "Magical!" "Dick, Dick, fix your joints." "You're going to get a bellyache." "I still can't get past that Santa fellow, though." "526 million children celebrate christmas." "That means he has to deliver presents to 22 million children an hour." "I mean, really!" "I mean, we're saying he gets around the whole world in one night... at that weight." "I mean, he can't fit into a sleigh," "Let alone fly in one." "(grunts)" "I'm sorry." "I know this is off topic, but is anyone gonna admit that I got this right?" "No." "Tell you what." "Let's watch "The Muppets:" "A christmas carol" again." "The Muppets I like." "(beeps)" "I could really get down with the muppets." "Kermit." "(imitating Kermit the frog) Jackie Joyner-Kersee, please press "play." (laughing)" " That was very good!" " (normal voice) Did you see that?" " Yes." " I know, it's awfully good." "Very good." "Oh, I got it, Marty." "Look at this..." ""available time-share in hawaii." ""three bedrooms, updated kitchen, short walk to the beach, bidet"!" "(gasps) The tushie-squirting thing?" "Holy crap, they have the tushie-squirting thing!" "(gasps) Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Can we afford this?" "It's in our price range." "Marty, this is ours!" "We can do this!" "We're going to hawaii!" " Yeah!" " Oh, let's go get the gifts and return them" " so we can pay for this thing." " My tushie feels wet already." "Merry christmas to me." "(rock version of "Jingle bells" playing)" "(man) ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ (zabvronians speaking indistinctly)" "♪ jingle all the way" "♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride" "♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪ hey!" "♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪" "♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪" "(grunts)" "I have never been so wrong about anything in my life." "I love christmas!" "Larry, what the hell is the matter with you?" "For the first time on this stupid planet, nothing." "I'm totally joyous." "I have sugarplums in my head!" "Why?" "What's the matter with you?" "You were supposed to hold on to our gifts for a few days, not give them away!" " Or destroy 'em!" " Merry christmas!" "I can't believe this is happening." "To be honest, I think you're being completely illogical and a bit of a nasty elf." "You said christmas is about giving." "I won't let you ruin christmas for me." "I just won't!" "I'm sorry." "We're ruining your christmas?" "!" "You gave our gifts away!" "(scoffs)" "Why are the aliens playing with our presents?" "Are they throwing my Ipad?" "Jackie, this is a major screw-up." "Oh, no, not again." "It's just that you have so many holidays for us to screw up." "Can't we just get to the part where everything ends up being all right and we learn from one another?" " Can't we do that?" " Jackie, we save up all year for this." "And now we can't return those gifts and use the money to go to hawaii!" "I'm so sorry." "My husband didn't mean..." "Stop apologizing for him, Jackie." "You can't keep apologizing for him every time he makes a mistake and expect everything to be better." "Worst christmas ever!" "Whole year of being good right down the crapper!" "I'm afraid you've been naughty, Mr. Bird." "And Santa knows when you've been naughty, and he knows when you've been nice." "♪" "Does he know where the gym is?" "Because he's going to lose a foot to diabetes." "♪ Oh, what fun is to ride" "♪ in a one-horse open sleigh" "Ohh!" "Hello, my little overlooked friend." "Husband, I think we've made a terrible mistake." "You bet your sweet bippy we did." "We missed one." "Ohh!" " The new Ipad!" " Husband." "Oh, it's fine." "It's just stuff" "They would have got bored with within a day or two." "But not this." "Steve jobs really got it right with this one." "Larry Bird!" "The Weavers have been so good to us, and we keep on disappointing them." "We have to make this right." "Either you do it, or I will." "Wait, Jackie." "What do you want from me?" "Do you want me to send them some flowers?" "Is that it?" "(door closes)" "Siri, did I really ruin their christmas?" "Siri?" "I don't even know how it happened." "Just seeing all that wrapping paper and boxes... (sighs)" "I know you can't ever forgive us, but we are truly, truly sorry for what we did." "Jackie, what do you want me to say?" "I know you didn't mean to hurt us." "You guys got carried away." "I get it." "You celebrated your first christmas." "The first ones are always the best ones." "Even Amber." "She had the sweetest look of excitement on her face her first few christmases." "I hang on to that memory when she says hurtful things to me." "Ooh." "I imagine you must think of that several times a day." "Yeah." "Yeah." "(Kermit the frog) ♪ Have yourself" "♪ a merry little christmas" "♪ Let your heart be light" "(clicks)" "♪ From now on" "♪ our troubles will be out of sight ♪" "♪ have yourself..." "What do you want?" "We need to talk." "(scoffs)" "With the kids all getting older, we were afraid that this was gonna be the last christmas where we'd have one of those magical mornings together." "Marty and I just got carried away." "Ohh." "So we really screwed your pooch on this one." "Oh, Jackie." "Not only did you screw my pooch, but you didn't call her the next day, either." "Mmm." "(slurps)" "♪ happy golden days of yore ♪" "♪ faithful friends..." "It's..." "Very good." "Thank you." "Um... (sighs)" "I've been watching you." "(scoffs)" "And I can tell you're sad." "So I came over to tell you not to be sad, 'cause Santa's going to make everything all better." "Ohh..." "Santa's going to make everything all better." "(scoffs)" "When I was 4, I got the flu," "So I coun't visit Santa." "So my mom told me to write a letter so she could mail it to him before christmas." "The whole time, I was really worried that he had forgotten about me." " But guess what?" " What?" "He wrote me back." "(scoffs)" "Oh, please." "(sighs)" "What did he write?" "He reminded me to be good even when no one was watching, and to never forget what christmas is all about." "What's that?" "Family, silly." "(gasps)" "Santa... told you that?" "So no more sad faces, Mr. Bird, 'cause Santa's going to make everything all better." "He always comes through." "♪ our troubles will be miles away ♪" "Thank you for the tea." "Let's do it again sometime." "♪ and have yourself" "(door closes)" "♪ a merry little christmas" "Oh, dear." "I've been very, very naughty." "Oh, goodness." "What are you up to now?" "You were right, wife." "The Weavers have been good to us, so I'm going to make this right." "I'm going to be like Santa Claus and save their christmas." "All I need is a helper elf." "I've already made the costume." "Oh, husband, love of my life," "I would be your elf any day." "Don't be ridiculous." "You're too tall." "Oh." "Oh, I do not like where this is going." "("Christmas in hollis" by Run-D.M.C. playing)" "♪ It's christmastime in hollis, queens ♪" "♪ Mom's cookin' chicken and collard greens ♪" "♪ Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese ♪" "♪ and santa put gifts under christmas trees ♪" "♪" "I have a limitless amount cash and desire to buy a car." "♪ Merry christmas and happy new year ♪" "(cheering, whistles blowing)" "Ooh!" "Jackpot." "♪" "Excuse me." "Do you have any plans this christmas?" "Oh, my family's all dead." "Perfect." "Boo-yah!" "Kept it." "Move rapid, son." "Capture the christmas swine!" "Get the pretty one!" "♪ Macaroni and cheese (oinking)" "♪ and Santa put gifts under christmas trees ♪" "♪ in the fireplace is the yule log ♪" "♪ beneath the mistletoe as we drink eggnog ♪" " Merry crap-mas, everyone." " This sucks." "(sighs) Okay, guys." "I know christmas didn't go exactly how we planned." " We don't have any presents under the tree." " We don't have a tree." "So this is what we're gonna do, okay?" "We're gonna go downstairs, and we are gonna make the best of this." "All right?" "Let's go." "(claps hands)" "Come on." "Come on." "(pig squealing) ♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "♪ we wish you a merry christmas ♪ (drumming)" "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "God bless us, every one!" "Aah!" "(squealing)" "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "Merry christmas, Weavers!" "What the heck is going on?" "Well, we know you wanted the perfect christmas... (humming) and we know you wanted to go to hawaii, so we decided to give you both." "Believe it or not, it was Larry Bird's idea." "Where is Larry?" "(Larry Bird) Ho, ho, ho!" "(bellowing laugh)" "I understand your children had a bit of a mishap with their presents this year." "It was short notice, but I was able to get the key items on their lists." "Now gather 'round the tree, let's light up the menorah, and we'll kwanzaa till the break of dawn." "(bellowing laugh) (Max laughs)" "(Larry Bird) Check it out." "Your dad and I know how badly you wanted to go snowboarding with your friends..." " Snowboarding!" " Wh... (Debbie) So here's the deal." "If you can be packed and ready to go in a couple hours," "I will personally drive you there myself." "Are you kidding me?" "And miss this insanity?" "There's absolutely no way." "Ohh!" "There's the christmas face I've been hanging on to for all these years." "You owe me a snowboard." "And there's the one I've learned to accept." "Now, I hear you wanted the new ipad." "Gee, thanks." "The wi-fi's a bit spotty." "(lowered voice) I know who you are." "I knew you were an alien, but I didn't know you were also Santa Claus." "(lowered voice) Oh, I'm not real..." "Oh." "Don't tell anyone." "It'll be our little secret." "Ho, ho, ho, ho." "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪ (bellowing laugh)" "♪ and a happy new year" "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪" "♪ We wish you a merry christmas ♪ (bleating)" "♪ and a happy new year" "Siri, who won the knicks game?" "Give me a 5-day weather forecast." "Buy me the new Mumford  Sons album." "Ugh." "That's it." "I'm gonna get a kindle." "I'm done with you!" "(scoffs)" "(inhales deeply)" "Mm." "I'm sorry." "It's been a rough week." "Come along." "Let's go for a walk." "Siri, does this suit make my ass look big?"