"APPLAUSE where we're gallivanting round the globe with "G" for geography." "Jimmy Carr." "CHEERING King of the jungle?" "Really?" "Jo Brand." "CHEERING" "Rob Brydon." "CHEERING" "Alan Davies." "CHEERING" "With that in mind let's hear their global warnings." "Jimmy goes:" "THUNDER ROLLS" "Rob goes..." "FOGHORN BLOWS you do." "Jo goes..." "AIR-RAID SIREN WAILS" "And Alan goes... Woodford Green." "veering strangely." "occasionally Rockall.' 000 British car journeys each year?" "Radio One." "Very good." "Very good. put the hood back on your head." "KLAXON BLARES" "I'm sorry." "You're barely warmed up." "The satnav sending you down into a field." "000 insurance claims are put down to satnav these days." ""Where would we be without satnav?" "love." "That's added value." "That's very good." "there was a touring acting group whose pink Mercedes van..." "They had to be rescued off the roof of it by helicopter because the satnav a stream." "but how much of a div would you have to be to actually see it ahead of you and drive into it?" "It might have been night." "They were in the country." "it turns out to be... cars have headlights." "It's a fair point." "She's got a very persuasive voice." "She has." "I call her my "navigatrix". but you print it out into a booklet that you can just flick through." "ROB:" "What would you call it?" "Er..." "Satlas." "A satlas." "A satlas." "What I don't like about satnav is when it interrupts the radio." "maybe a play or something." "cuts over the radio always at a crucial moment." "You'll be getting to the climax of the play." "the reason that we never had children is..." "Turn left in 40 yards." "You do a lot of voiceovers." "Yes." "Have you been asked to do one?" "You'd be very good." "If you did that voice of a little man trapped inside a box." "or your American radio set that you've swallowed." "Here we go." "Ready?" "FAINTLY:" "Where are you?" "I don't know where you are." "Isn't that brilliant?" "Stephen." "People who do satnav voices..." "John Cleese does one." "Does he?" "I thought that was an urban myth." "he does." "You can record it onto your own satnav." "You can do." "I've done that on ours." "Aww!" "I didn't tell my wife and then..." "Go left!" "Go left!" "Come on!" "Right here!" "No wonder there's so many accidents!" "One of the favourite satnav voices is Nigella Lawson..." "Joanna Lumley." "You'd THINK Joanna Lumley." "The ones I have are" "Billy Connolly and Julie Walters." "Billy Connolly?" "!" "He's done it?" "AS BILLY CONNOLLY:" "I know!" "The least favourite..." "See if you can guess." "Erm..." "JO:" "Brian Sewell." "Simon Cowell..." "JIMMY:" "Hitler?" "I think he'd have kitsch value." "Catherine Tate." "surely?" "straight on" and they fiddle with it." "Yup." "You just do a few." "And Baroness Thatcher is the..." "But there's also a Julian... right! which is advertised as "with free Dale Winton voice and alerts." "You're passing a wooded area." "Park the car." "There have been disasters." "Perhaps the most extreme was a Syrian lorry transporting cars from Turkey to Gibraltar 600 miles out of his way." "South Yorkshire." "but he...he followed it that's when he was stopped." "A lot of villages' lives are ruined by being cut-throughs." "quite a few of them have got a Welsh... which goes..." "In Welsh?" "or death." "WELSH ACCENT: "Turning coming up now in about 40 yards." "Get ready for it." "here it comes." "you've missed it!" "Right." "Do a U-ee." "Do a U-ee." "don't..." "Oh!" "attach a hosepipe to the exhaust and just end it all." "That's a very popular one." "Is it? the Royal Society For The Prevention Of Accidents." "apparently." "who is to the right of Genghis Khan?" "THUNDER ROLLS" "Yea?" "That's quite frightening." "Every taxi driver I've ever met?" "Mrs Khan." "Mrs Khan." "there are 500 Mrs Khans. 500?" "!" "He married 500 times." "That's a sitcom waiting to be made!" "they recently did a test of Central Asian males and they found that 8% of all Central Asian males which may well be Genghis Khan." "they'll talk the same way about Russell Brand?" "It's highly possible." "JO:" "I quite fancy being one of 500." "At least you'd only have to have sex with him every year and a half." "but he might well have chopped your head off afterwards." "as you know." "in a weird kind of way." "I literally mean who's on the right... you mean buried alongside him?" "Yes." "or plunder? obviously." "He had to be anonymous." "No-one could know. 000 people were killed to keep his burial place secret." "All the slaves who excavated the grave were killed by soldiers and then all the soldiers who killed the slaves were..." "That's how bad it was." "Until they realised they were in danger of killing everybody who knew where the grave was." "So what they did..." "This is really peculiar." "OK?" "This is really unpleasant." "they killed in front of its mother right?" "And then they took the mother away." "And they buried the baby camel next to Genghis Khan." "So that's who's to the right of Genghis Khan." "And every year..." "JIMMY:" "I was gonna guess that! because it knew exactly where its little baby was!" "It's very sad." "JIMMY:" "That's a lovely story." "Yeah!" "But then the camel died..." "I might tell my daughters that tonight." "I've got a lovely story about a camel." "right?" "Then no-one knew where he was buried." "So that was unfortunate." "Tell me about Mongols." "yeah. but they managed to kill an estimated 50 million of their enemy." "principally?" "They had lasers." "They did have weapons..." "Proton torpedoes." "They had weapons that were ahead of the time." "They did." "They had short bows." "They weren't huge longbows. weren't they?" "They'd ride for days." "They used to jump across." "That's right." "They wouldn't even go to the loo." "They would go to the loo while jumping from one horse to the other." "or...?" "that's bad luck on the horses." "I've shat on this one." "that's a magnificent thing." "it was their horsemanship and their bows and arrows that did it and just their violence." "Their desire and happiness at killing people." "But they were a great big empire." "And they're not so angry any more." "they seem rather cheerful." "for horde-ing and..." "No!" "very nice." "They don't hoard any more." "They've got Cash In The Attic." "It's all gone. guiding people back to his tomb." "how did the teacup change the course of Chinese history?" "or...?" "No." "They invented it..." "You might almost say..." "Aagh!" "Aagh!" "Aagh!" "We're going to have to invent something for this!" "They invented it so early that it was a disadvantage." "It held back the course of Chinese history." "cuppa?" "Yeah... the day's over." "We've got nothing done!" "Unlike the Europeans..." "Is it because... is it something to do with metal and ceramics?" "Or is it because they invented it and so didn't invent other things that would have come before it?" "hence calling it "china"." "But we had bronze and things. and we developed a technology for containing wine." "Glass." "Glass." "came telescopes and microscopes." "intellectuals and scientists had an extra 15 to 20 years of reading and active life all the way through retorts." "Glass is chemically neutral." "Doesn't react to anything that's in it." "And the Chinese had no glass made in all of China from the 14th century right up to the 19th century." "ALAN:" "And no mirrors either." "And therefore no mirrors." "just because they were satisfied with the teacup and didn't bother... and did invent so many other things..." "The one thing they couldn't do." "And electronics used glass for valves and so on." "a lot of them prefer coffee." "Go figure!" "What did they do for windows?" "They used paper." "Ha!" "Paper's rubbish for a window!" "It gets wet and you can't see through it." "And they had dark houses." "That's another thing." "Dark houses!" "They didn't have light bulbs either." "These people are useless!" "What about lanterns?" "Turn the lantern up in the dark." "They had lanterns like that." "Paper lanterns." "That's the worst invention yet." "couldn't they?" "yeah." "invented the plastic tub for keeping rice in... and those tinfoil ones with the cardboard lid." "Yes." "So they were way ahead in some areas." "there you are. which meant they never bothered to develop glass. the world's smallest mountain range and the world's wettest desert?" "Are they all in the same place?" "They are in the same..." "ROB:" "We're looking at America." "We are in America." "You can tell." "It's a giveaway." "We're in the mid-west of America." "We are in..." "Start on the left of our triptych." "Where's that?" "That's Salt Lake Flats or apartments." "It is." "It's the biggest and driest lake in the world so useful that it's... world's fastest Indian." "AS HOPKINS: "I want to break the record." "I'll do it in this car." "Here I go." "I'm playing a New Zealander." "Sometimes my accent will be that and other times it will be something else." "It doesn't matter!" "I'm Anthony Hopkins!" "Now what if he was trapped in a box?" "FAINTLY:" "I'm Anthony Hopkins." "I'm trapped in a box." "you are wonderful!" "I'd choose you as a companion for a walking tour or to be trapped in a lift with any day." "you're right." "And the name of that particular name was given to a famous Triumph motorbicycle." "Does that help you give its name?" "Oh... yes." "Bonneville Lake." "And it's so flat you can see the curvature of the Earth on it." "Wow!" "So not flat then?" "Curved." "Literally curved." "the salt flat is the driest lake." "Why do they call it a lake?" "Cos it's not." "It's a dried-up lake." "Its shape and all its features are dominated by its ex-lakeness." "yeah." "in the Late Miocene era." "The water came in over the Straits of Gibraltar." "Yeah!" "Six million years ago." "I saw that in the Plymouth aquarium." "That must have been fabulous for all the towns all around Spain and Portugal that rely on tourism." "It must have been a hell of a year." "This is fantastic." "these jet-skis will get an outing." It's true." "which joined North Africa to Spain crumbled away there was the Mediterranean Sea." "And all the fish in the Mediterranean are descended from Atlantic types." "You mentioned the Rock of Gibraltar." "People think of monkeys." "They do." "JIMMY:" "Excellent point." "Yes." "Yeah." "Is that it?" "No." "No?" "No." "Right." "What else do we know about Barbary apes?" "Nothing." "OK." "It was it." "which are miscalled Barbary apes... they are actually monkeys..." "you were quite right to call them monkeys." "Thank you." "Smallest mountain range was the mid-most of our triptych." "Where's that?" "That's not far away." "Bonneville was in which state?" "Utah." "yes." "And we're moving a little further." "What's the capital of California?" "Yeah!" "State capital of California?" "isn't it?" "in the car?" "Dustin Hoffman drives to see Elaine." "Sacramento." "Elaine!" "Elaine!" "Elaine!" "I'm doing Dustin Hoffman. "Elaine!" "Mrs Robinson?"" "Stephen." "Has he had a stroke?" "So the smallest mountain range." "The smallest range." "Sacramento is the state capital of California." "How is that not a hill?" "What defines a mountain?" "000ft from base to apex is a mountain." "the official definition is 600m above sea level." "000ft." "117ft." "the whole range." "One thinks of the wonderful British film starring that great British actor Hugh Grant..." "The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain." "so... do you do Hugh Grant?" "sort of came down a bloody mountain." "I had a feeling we might be going there." "Very good." "the wettest desert?" "The wettest..." "The North Sea." "you have to stick to the definition of desert." "Still in America?" "Yes." "What's the definition of a desert?" "A desert is a place..." "Where there's virtually no rainfall." "but there's a moisture deficit." "It loses more moisture than it..." "It's kind of got a holey floor?" "Yeah." "It qualifies." "It's the Sonoran Desert..." "Oh(!" ") In California." "Oh. the smallest mountain range and the wettest desert in the world." "James Wyld installed a 60ft high scale model of the Earth including all the land masses and the seas and the mountains built to scale." "What was the best direction to see it from?" "What about from inside?" "is the right answer." "Yes!" "It was a perfect representation..." "APPLAUSE" "It was one of the wonders of the age." "It was there in Leicester Square between 1851 and 1862." "I never met with anyone who wasn't delighted with it or didn't find it most instructive. sort of between ten and 11 o'clock." "Oh yeah. so it's an inverse of how the world is." "one of the odd things about the way maps and projections are..." "A globe is an accurate representation of what we think the world is." "It's round." "is exactly the same." "if you were to take a piece of paper and you were to draw the world that's kind of like how it is." "It would look identical if you took the same paper and looked at it when it was concave rather than convex." "JO:" "So what happened to it then?" "it came down after 12 years." "The lease on the ground expired." "Whoever owned Leicester Square." "How absolutely pedestrian." "The lease on the ground on which it stood." "So high rents in the West End..." "It's a brilliant thing to build again." "Wouldn't it be wonderful?" "It was very successful. but it gave everybody joy and pleasure." "there's someone pointing like that." "And top hats." "All wear top hats to go inside the Earth." "Wouldn't that be wonderful?" "there it was." "A man called Wyld." "His great globe in Leicester Square." "And it was an enormous triumph." "Scale model of the world viewed from the inside." "Let's try something simpler." "Where did the Arctic Highlanders get their cutlery from?" "Sheffield!" "KLAXON BLARES from Nordic..." "JO:" "IKEA." "KLAXON BLARES northern...?" "that's the clue." "Arctic Highlanders was the..." "Do you mean Eskimos?" "We now call them Inuit." "yeah. he was the first European to encounter this tribe of Inuits." "he met." "It was an extraordinary meeting." "They thought they were the only people on the planet." "They didn't know there were any other people in the world." "It's very much like that in Essex." "isn't it?" "but they had cutlery." "Metal cutlery?" "ROB:" "Where did it come from?" "Where did it come from?" "Aliens." "Aliens is not a bad answer." "Was it one of the guys that went to the North Pole and left a bunch of stuff and they found... no." "This man Ross was the first European ever to go up close to the North Pole." "I'm talking a long time ago." "before anyone had been to the North Pole." "And they had proper knives?" "They were a mixture of bone and metal." "Was it mail order?" "Did they find them?" "Did they excavate them? they had no knowledge about iron ore or anything." "They thought they were the only people?" "The only people." "It's a puzzle." "They had cutlery." "It wasn't from a box from Sheffield that sort of got washed ashore." "Not an abandoned Ford Escort?" "No." "It was still 1818." "It was just..." "Is it because the North Pole is magnetic and..." "And all the cutlery naturally..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE that's where it ends up." "Drifting shipwrecks?" "No." "You were closest with aliens." "Was it meteorites?" "Meteorites!" "that's two I've got right." "Three meteorites." "They look like a woman sewing her tent and a dog to them. and attached bits of horn as cutlery." "supposedly?" "no." "Ranulph Fiennes?" "I'd have preferred it if it was Ralph Fiennes." "1880. 1880?" "Queen Victoria." "an American." "Peary." "There he was." "He was a yeti." "he went to these same people which they'd been taking their cutlery off" "000." "didn't he?" "Took children." "of whom four died of TB instantly. on display. but reluctantly gave him enough money to carry home." "It wasn't till 1993 that their remains were sent back to their homeland." "I know him!" "That's awful." "It is." "It's a horrible episode in the exploitation of a native people." "but also entertainment." "riches and ambition." "He was psychotically ambitious." "Now people believe he didn't even get to the North Pole." "he went at a speed that no-one has ever gone on Arctic exploration." "That's what I look like before I've done my bikini line." "It's a great look." "It's a lovely look." "hasn't it?" "It's brilliant." "It is." "Polar Eskimos made metal knives by chopping flakes off meteorites the dog and the woman." "Now a watery riddle. suffer from wet bottoms... look at Alan's face!" "..and are found all over the world?" "Not the blue whale." "You are right!" "You weren't falling for that one." "blue... have calves." "Wet bottoms." "Slow-moving." "Wet bottoms." "You've lost me." "I thought a Smurf with an aneurism." "That would be blue whales if it weren't for the slow-moving." "Blue whales are pretty quick." "They can go up to 30mph." "but clouds." "No." "to be honest." "They're not blue?" "isn't it?" "That's not clouds." "I knew that." "We have thought this through." "Is it a creature?" "is it?" "it hurts." "Is it a type of iceberg?" "that's right." "Um... even though I don't know what that is?" "Yes." "You do know what an ice floe is." "Is it a big lump?" "A glacier." "A glacier is an ice floe." "my God!" "APPLAUSE" "There we are." "I'm doing my bit to save those." "I've stopped eating the sweets." "Very good." "They can be enormous." "a mile deep." "they're vast." "Calves." "How do they have calves?" "The bits that break off are "calves"." "It's called calving when they drop..." "That was a red herring." "or baby calves." "don't get me started. there are some which are almost not freezing." "and their bottoms are warmer." "is warmer and slides down." "And they go..." "What's the fastest you imagine a glacier is likely to go?" "40. 40 what?" "40 in a 30." "They might go a couple of inches or something in a year." "Well..." "I would say more than that." "ALAN:" "Ten feet." "65ft a day is considered very rapid." "But there was one..." "Two inches is a bit off then." "..in Pakistan that went 7.5 miles in three months." "There must be another word for a glacier there then." "if you like." "including the Tropics." "hello?" "Bit odd." "But they do." "aren't they?" "pretty high." "Do you find life in glaciers?" "yes." "What kind?" "Smurfs. perhaps trying to permeate the membrane of the glacier... a kind of worm." "A wiggly worm?" "An ice worm." "A wiggly ice worm." "It's a sort of annelid worm." "yeah." "ALAN:" "What a life!" "It's an amazing life." "But in one glacier they found more of those worms than there are" "Good Lord!" "Really?" "they just kept on looking." "Yeah!" "There's another one!" "And another one!" ""There's another one." Their ideal temperature's about zero." "they melt." "They are quite like an ice cream in that regard." "Is that not delicious?" "Yeah!" "yeah." "why are there no snakes in Ireland?" "Sorry?" "I know this." "Because..." "Ah!" "There's a reason that's related to the question I've been asking." "Something to do with the Ice Age." "there were 20 periods of glaciation in Ireland." "withdrawing..." "So there's no..." "Snakes." "LAUGHTER" "You realise what you've just said?" "Yes." "but..." "JO:" "Is that why they're all Catholic in Ireland?" "Snakes can't survive in frozen ground." "blue and they have calves. they can't manage much more than about 60ft a day at top speed." "the USA claims the legal right to seize territory wherever it might find what?" "Oil." "THUNDER ROLLS" "KLAXON BLARES Oh!" "Is it a street without a Starbucks?" "Would it be... an American hostage or prisoner or something?" "almost." "no." "Is this involved in any sort of action film that I will have seen?" "though it is involved in the plot of Dr No." "It's how Dr No dies in the novel actually. any American can raise a flag and claim it." "Gold." "It's a kind of gold." "It was as valuable almost as gold in the 19th century." "no." "it's not a metal." "ROB:" "Tupperware." "Platinum." "It's not a metal." "Not plastic." "Christ..." "All right." "Diamond!" "Does anyone in the audience know?" "and they are right." "Points to the audience..." "Guano?" "Guano." "Is that a delicious drink that didn't really take off?" "isn't it?" "Yes." "It's the poo from birds..." "Do I get a point?" "..that have eaten a lot of anchovies in Peru." "man?" "It was one of the most valuable products in the 19th century." "It was a fertiliser that is unbelievably rich in nitrates and potassium quintuple the yields from land." "It was immensely valuable." "many millionaires and was responsible for 75% of Peru's entire economy." "to excavate." "really tough." "So they used to use pickaxe and dynamite to get it away. who'd be hacking away at this stuff." "Do we still use it now?" "That's interesting." "the anchovy shoals are being used now principally for... but..." "For feeding fish farms." "For feeding fish farms and for feeding chickens and all kinds of things in China." "or farmed fish flesh." "this is sustainable." "But instead they're just using up enormous stocks of anchovy." "the USA has claimed a legal right to take possession of islands birds' doings to you and me." "The properties of guano were first discovered" "Alexander von Humboldt." "Who taught Alexander von Humboldt how to speak the Atures language 40 years after the last person who spoke it died?" "A confidence trickster." "Jo Brand!" "though!" "Amazing!" "Brilliant." "You are rocking." "APPLAUSE" "You are absolutely rocking. a cannibalistic tribe of the area." "there is a parrot who still is alive." "Parrots can live a long time..." "How did it talk its way out of that?" "which Von Humboldt wrote down and learned." "we can't know how accurate it was." "He was with someone who spoke a related language and they made guesses as to what the 40 Atures words might be." ""Who's a cheeky boy then?" "funnily enough." "I find that stereotyping rather offensive." "So you're saying that all gay people are like "cheeky boys"?" "he might have quite liked him saying..." "No!" "When are you going to let up with your relentless gay bashing?" "do you know?" "182." "That's good and specific." "but the odd thing is why they speak at all." "Why is it that they do mimic humans?" "where they can go..." "SPEAKS AS MAN TRAPPED IN A BOX no parrot in the wild has ever been observed mimicking another bird or another animal." "But there are birds in the wild that mimic noises." "but parrots don't." "they have their own screech and they're satisfied." "They don't imitate other birds." "They've never been observed to." "isn't it?" "I don't." "Oh!" "it's a real question." "They imitate movements in the same way... they will lift their leg or your hand or whatever." "physically." "They like to do that." "at least. but the fourth best-selling children's book of all time has a vocabulary of only 50 words." "was it The Da Vinci Code?" "it's a classic." "It's a 20th century classic." "is it Dr Seuss?" "on... there." "ham..." "I just said Dr Seuss." "I was carrying on." "I heard it." "Green Eggs And Ham." "That's right." "You didn't say the title." "Brilliant!" "So Humboldt apparently learned Atures from a parrot." "Which leaves us plummeting over the sheer cliff of general ignorance." "Fingers on buzzers." "What do Mongolians live in?" "FOGHORN" "They're called something like "yak"." "It's like a "yult" or a "yak"." "that's the one." "that's not the one." "yurt is a Turkish word and Mongolians would not be pleased a yurt." "I won't." "indeed." "Now we know." "They don't call them that." "It's where they live and it means home in Mongolian." "Where in Holland is the Dutch city of Groningen?" "Is it not going to be in Holland?" "It's not." "It's another one of the Netherlands." "Yes." "You're very smart." "you see." "there's two places called Holland?" "Yup." "North Holland and South Holland..." "OK." "Rotterdam are." "is not in Holland." "It's in the Netherlands." "didn't it?" "It did a bit." "That famous shot of Guildford." "That could be Britain." "So easily." "If it didn't have a big sign saying "Groningen"!" "I felt." "That's the giveaway." "They have a pub that claims to have been open non-stop for ten years." "So indeed it could be Britain." "Exactly!" "Exactly." "Are you suggesting we have more in common with our European neighbours...?" "I'm suggesting the world is becoming homogenised and indistinct think that's a bad thing." "hear!" "Quite right." "There you go." "I think we all think like that." "We're all the same." "very good. an eighth of the country's total land mass." "Us calling the country "Holland" is like them calling Britain East Anglia." "but they don't." "What is quite interesting about Church Flatts Farm in Derbyshire?" "Is it to do with the height above sea level?" "but you're so much in the right area." "Is it the height below sea level?" "Is it not flat and it hasn't got a church there?" "not exactly..." "The highest flat bit?" "but think of the sea." "I know what it is!" "It's the point in Britain that is furthest from the sea." "The sea..." "Alan!" "I won't have you competing for Sir's favour." "You're both very good boys." "you can't be...? which perhaps makes Church Flatts Farm the very middle of the country." "which language is the Spanish national anthem sung in?" "I'm going to go for..." "LAUGHTER" "THUNDER ROLLS Is it Spanish?" "No." "KLAXON BLARES" "Is it Catalan?" "Oh!" "KLAXON BLARES" "Is it Castilian?" "isn't it?" "Classic Spanish." "It's not... can you remind me what was the language that guy was taught 40 years after it died out?" "no." "'Rockall!" "'" "I didn't say anything!" "Don't be aggressive." "Is it instrumental?" "is the right answer." "Well done." "It's very odd." "They have one of the oldest tunes called La Marcha Real." "It's the only anthem with no words." "The old ones were dropped after Franco's death in '75. called Carousel... eh!" "Don't talk rubbish." "It is!" "JIMMY:" "You couldn't look any more Scouse." "The Spanish Olympic Committee held a competition in 2007 fascist one." "having fallen foul of several Spanish regions. for being too nationalistic." "for a national anthem?" "!" "Long live Spain." "We sing together with different voices and only one heart." "Doesn't seem that terrible." "Rubbish." "La Marseillaise:" ""Do you hear...the roar of those ferocious soldiers?" "They come right here into your midst to slit the throats of your sons and wives." "Which is quite aggressive." "Or God Save The Queen has the sixth verse." "Do you know that?" "Of course I know the sixth verse to God Save The Queen!" "Give us it." "I have to sing it all the way through." "Is it about going up to Scotland and killing everyone?" "Lord grant that Marshal Wade May by thy mighty aid" "Victory bring May he sedition hush" "And like a torrent rush Rebellious Scots to crush" "God save the King." "I'm sorry." "But perhaps the oddest one is back to our old friends the Dutch here." "This is still the Dutch national anthem." "scion of a Dutch and ancient line." "Fair enough. "Dedicate undying faith to this land of mine." "ever free." "To the king of Spain I've granted a lifelong loyalty." "they say they've granted a lifelong loyalty to the king of Spain." "The most deferential anthem ever heard." "but that's a long time ago." "The Spanish national anthem is the only one which officially has no words." "They tried to write some but they were rejected for being too patriotic." "ladies and gentlemen." "Quietly confident. but in last place with minus 28 points is Rob Brydon." "Jimmy Carr!" "So sort of a winner." "Sort of the first of the winners." "Who can it be?" "Who can it be?" "In second place with minus ten is Jo Brand!" "Alan Davies!" "Jo and Alan." "To wish you all safe onward journeys." "And I leave you with this from Ambrose Bierce." "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." Good night." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"