"THE OYSTER PRINCESS" "A Grotesque Comedy in 4 Acts by Hanns Kräly and Ernst Lubitsch." "Direction:" "Ernst Lubitsch" "Set decoration based on designs by and under the direction of Kurt Richter, produced in his own studio." "Technical Direction:" "Kurt Waschneck." "Cinematography:" "Theodor Sparkuhl." "Mister Quaker, the Oyster King of America:" "Victor Janson" "Ossi, his daughter:" "Ossi Oswalda" "Prince Nucki:" "Harry Liedtke" "Josef, Nucki's friend:" "Julius Falkenstein" "Seligson, matchmaker:" "Max Kronert The bandleader:" "Kurt Bois" "FIRST ACT." "Quaker dictates his mail." "The good Madame Daughter has gone stark raving mad." "Why exactly are you throwing all these noisy newspapers at my head?" "Well, the vases have already all been broken." "It's come to our attention that the daughter of the shoe-polish king, Mr. Blakpott, has married a count." "That doesn't impress me at all." "I'll buy you a prince." "I'm so happy I could smash the whole house to pieces." "Seligson the matchmaker." "But he's cross-eyed." "For that price they've all got a little flaw." "Dearest Sir!" "As the daughter of the shoe-polish king has married a count, and as we all know that shoe-polish doesn't trump oysters," "I request that you send me a son-in-law  with a pedigree in accordance with my oysters." "Sincerely, Quaker" "Prince Nucki;" "Residence: 21 st Rue, 47th Floor;" "Age: 26 years old;" "Appearance: tip-top;" "Assets: heavily in debt;" "Spec." "Attributes: not inclined to marriage." "Ossi is instructed in the ways of marriage." "You shouldn't handle any child like that!" "Well, children really shouldn't be coddled." "Now you've got to apply some powder." "Not on the face?" "It all goes on the other end." "Well that's pretty odd." "We haven't got to that point yet." "Someone's ringing." "I'm sure someone was outside pressing the button." "I'll check to see if we're home." "I'd like to speak with Prince Nucki about a matter of the heart." "I'll check to see if His Highness will receive you." "In the meantime have a seat on the banister." "His Highness bids you to come in." "Don't fall over" "Your Highness, I have a proposal for you... a charming young girl... ." "This tall!" "...and does she have hair..." "black as night... ." "I go for blondes." "Then she'll just dye it:" "With that kind of money it makes no difference." "Your Little Highness!" "My adjutant will look her over first." "Put on my suit, so you look presentable." "It's now been 1-1/2 hours, and I still haven't got any husband." "If I don't have a husband within 5 minutes, then I'm demolishing the entire house!" "Be my guest!" "That doesn't impress me at all." "END OF THE FIRST ACT." "SECOND ACT." "Josef presents himself to Quaker." "Might I have your card?" "Take this one for the time being." "What do you have to say about that, Daddy... that the prince is here?" "He's to wait in the parlour." "If you come to an agreement, wake me." "These folks know how to live!" "Josef grows impatient." "Where is the good madame?" "In the bath!" " And the good gentleman?" "Asleep!" "Well what am I supposed to do with myself here?" "Wait!" "His Highness the Prince is growing impatient." "That doesn't impress me at all." "The good madame in person." "In with her." "Smells good." "Good Lord he looks dumb." "Oh well, he is a prince after all." "So you want to marry me?" "Is that what you want or isn't it?" "!" "Of course that's what I want..." "just don't throw anything." "Don't you want to introduce me to your father first?" "Since it's such a trifle, we don't want to wake him up." "On the way to the ceremony." "We'd like to get married quick." "Prince Nucki, do you take Ms. Quaker to be your wife?" "You don't even have to ask..." "he's got nothing to say on the matter." "But didn't I get to sit up front earlier?" "Yes, but we werert married yet then." "Tell the servants that I am your husband." "They wouldn't buy it." "I hereby introduce you to my husband." "Well you see how pleased they are." "Go into my father's bedroom and introduce yourself." "What's the nearest route to Mr. Quaker's bedroom?" "I'll provide you with a blueprint of the manor." "Bon voyage." "Come blow my nose." "Well now, who might you be?" "Why this is my husband." "...and here you are blowing my nose?" "Oh it stays in the family." "END OF THE SECOND ACT." "THIRD ACT." "On account of the rush, the wedding celebration includes only the closest family members." "Excuse me for introducing you to my son-in-law." "Don't be such a pig!" "Say a few words." "It's been a long time since I've had such a good meal." "In the course of the celebration, a foxtrot epidemic suddenly breaks out." "Not so exuberant..." "think about your family tree." "Oh bollocks!" "Do you foxtrot?" "What will your husband the prince have to say about this?" "I could do with a wedding like this every day." "Every day pickled herring..." "that's bitter." "Nucki is called upon by his friends to go for a stroll." "Would you perhaps be able to lend me a little something?" "The wedding nears its end." "I'm sweating like an ape." "Everyone sweats as he's able." "Whereabouts is your husband?" "I'm so very happy." "Why did you get married then?" "Shame on you!" "..." "Why you're..." "I'm so very happy!" "What can be done, will be done." "Here are my rooms, there are your rooms." "Ohhhhh" "Go on and call me your sweetie..." "Please remove this gentleman." "What a shame, and I was just in the mood." "I'm so very happy." "END OF THE THIRD ACT." "FOURTH ACT." "Nucki comes back from his stroll." "My child, you look pale." "The Association of Millionaires' Daughters for the Prevention of Dipsomania holds an official breakfast for young ladies." "...and so I say, in closing:" ""Down with dipsomania!"" "If consulting hours aren't held soon, the patients will sober up on their own." "The associatiors patients." "A shame about the sclönen schnapps." "Hold onto me tightly, my ladies." "Everyone out." "I'll cure him." "No!" "Alright then... we'll settle the matter with a boxing match." "Let go of me, my ladies!" "Fight, fight." "So now it's your turn." "Bring the gentleman to my car:" "I'm taking him on a private session." "Careful!" "Put the gentleman in my husband's bedroom." "The good master is still asleep." "Then take him into my bedroom." "Mousey." "Little Mousey." "Shut it!" "Well if that doesn't just take the biscuit!" "I'm telling the old man about this." "These aren't my trousers." "Do you have any idea where you are?" "With you!" "Well do you know who I am?" "A sweet little snail." "Do you know that you're a delightful kisser?" "Well I never!" "Please." "A pity that you're married." "I have to get married too." "Do you know that you're both married to one another?" "I got married in your name." "The real wedding." "NOW THAT IMPRESSES ME."