"Give me the mother-fucking case!" "Back off!" "Stay back!" "Give me the case or I swear I will cave your fucking skull in!" "I'm going to saw your fucking legs off you dick..." "Oh, shit!" "Me and you, we're friends, we bonded..." "like the end of Titanic, remember?" "Come on." "Give me the case!" "Fuck the end of Titanic!" "Fuck Kate, fuck Leo, and fuck you!" "Don't." "What?" "Make small talk." "I hate small talk." "Me too." "Hate the small talkers." "Like me mum." "What a twat." "That was probably a bit harsh." "She can't help it." "Not since the stroke." "That was a joke." "Me mum hasn't had a stroke!" "She did recently have a hysterectomy." "Not a whole lot of laughs that week." "Oh, my God." "The crying!" ""They took my womanhood!"" "I was like, "Mum!" ""Spare me the graphic, biological details."" "Did they tell you nine o'clock?" "Cos they said nine to me." "Oh, yes!" "Fuck me harder!" "Oh, yes, I like it when you do that." "Oh!" "Who are you?" "We're here for our Community Service." "Who are you?" "I am your probation worker." "Fuck this tight little ass hole!" "That's not..." "That is just wrong." "That is not how, that is not how God intended it." "Bloody spam emails." "Deleted." "Oh, yes!" "Wow." "Unusual..." "This is repulsive, some of this stuff..." "Oh, yes, my shit tastes so good on your cock!" "Somebody's daughter!" "You want a Nacho?" "This isn't going to end well for ya." "You already lost a hand." "There's only so many limbs a guy can do without." "Give me the combination for the briefcase and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea." "Fuck you." "What?" "I think we might have a problem." "They show up here the day after we get the briefcase." "They're not on Community Service." "It's bullshit." "I'm all over it." "Those poor, deluded fools are under the misguided belief that I am their probation worker." "Turns out that I am quite the actor." "I'll see if the briefcase guy knows anything about them." "He's a stubborn bastard, I'll give him that." "Let me know if you want me to come round there and squidge his bollocks with a pair of pliers for him, eh?" "Piece of shit!" "Shit." "Fuck!" "Bastard!" "What are you doing?" "I..." "I, I, I am looking for a, for a sandwich." "I put it in one of these lockers for safe keeping." "But I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in." "I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich." "Me too." "It's extremely upsetting." "What kind of sandwich was it?" "It was cheese, it was a cheese sandwich." "Perhaps a mouse ate it." "Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese." "They do." "Bloody mice." "Hmm." "Now you'll have to excuse me though, cos I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am a probation worker." "Shit!" "Just put that back on there." "Safety is very important." "That's... poor craftsmanship, that is." "Shut up!" "Stop making me out to be the bad guy." "This is a situation entirely of your own making." "Your bollocks are going to freeze into little hairy ice cubes unless you tell me where that case is." "I'm taking that as well..." "a Cornetto." "No Cornetto for you mate." "You know how you said this was a weird set up?" "So it turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer." "Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer?" "I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for it." "OK." "You give me a perfectly reasonable explanation for locking someone in a freezer." "Do we need to get involved?" "What if we pretend you didn't see it?" "How's that sitting with you?" "Cos that feels good to me." "I was just getting a Bounty." "Whereas I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat." "We need to get that guy out of the freezer." "Ring a ding, ding, ding!" "Bitch!" "That's a definite ball tightening moment." "What's going on?" "Well either there's a fire, or someone is attempting to fuck with us." "Stay with him." "The question is, how much is a bollock worth to you?" "Fuck you." "Argh!" "What was that?" "That didn't sound good." "Shit!" "OK, so the probation worker keeps a guy locked in a freezer." "It's certainly unusual." "Is he dead?" "He looks dead." "If we go now, we can still catch the start of Countdown." "Who are you?" "He sent you, didn't he?" "Where's the briefcase?" "Where's the case?" "!" "I don't know." "I don't know anything about any case!" "You're welcome!" "This is why you should never get involved." "Not so much as a thank you." "You let him out!" "Jesus!" "You shouldn't have done that!" "What the fuck is going on?" "Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit." "And over here, we have a great big fan." "Shit and then you got the fan..." "I'm going to level with you." "Hmm?" "So prepare to be shocked, huh?" "Surprised, and more than a little bit amazed." "For I am not in fact your probation worker." "Really?" "No shit?" "You should think about becoming an actor." "I know!" "I know." "I know." "Just check this out." "The truth is, like you, I am also on Community Service." "It all started yesterday." "There we were, we were all gathered around the vending machine after another arse-numbingly boring day." "Our mate Seth had just come back from Africa and he had quite a story to tell." "So we end up travelling to Uganda." "And we're in this village and some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine." "If he moves, he's dead." "Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine." "Kelly?" "She defused a mine?" "The villagers love her out there, man, they're all singing and dancing..." "Nachos... or a Twix?" "Sweet or savoury?" "It's man's eternal dilemma." "So anyway, I'm just back to get our stuff." "Kelly's fucking off her Community Service." "We're going to stay out there and..." "defuse landmines." "She's not coming back." "Who?" "Kelly." "What?" "!" "She's not coming back?" "!" "When was this decided?" "Do we not...?" "I mean, do we get a say in any...?" "I am shocked and I am reeling." "I'm going to get some chocolate because I'm really upset." "Dude?" "You all right, mate?" "They're all after it." "It's my money..." "So this money he's talking about must be in the briefcase." "It's got a combination lock." "Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and chisel and bust it open?" "If you open it without the combination it activates one of these dye-pack things." "It stains the money." "It's unusable." "Since when did you become such a bloody expert?" "I watch a lot of heist movies." "I can't get into them, there's too many twists and turns." "I like a nice, straightforward Western." "There must be a key for those handcuffs." "Shut up." "Oh..." "I've got a brilliant idea." "Why don't you two go home, hmm?" "Kick back, just chill out." "I'll selflessly stay here." "I'm gonna take care of our injured friend." "Just call me Nurse Rudy." "He's a big guy." "If he needs a crap, it'll take two of us to take him to the toilet." "Why don't I stay here and give you a hand?" "Really?" "It's cool." "I'll just let him shit his pants." "I was trained by St John's fuckin' Ambulance so if anyone's staying, I should stay." "Well, that settles it, then." "It's a sleepover, isn't it?" "Excalibur..." "Stop making me do things that I don't want to do." "Goodness me..." "Are you knocking one out?" "No." "It's just a quick cheeky one to get me to sleep." "I have to feed the monster, man." "Tell him." "It's a sedative, innit?" "Just hurry up and finish, man." "Fucking..." "Barbara!" "Ohh." "You are going to go blind." "That's what me old headmaster, Mr Gibbons, used to say to me, until some nasty little shit threw sulphuric acid into his face." "Who's laughing - and seeing - now?" "Cos it's not him." "Just get on with it, you silly little prick!" "Whoa!" "I'm a storyteller, love," "I'm merely trying to paint a vivid picture for me audience here." "Where's the briefcase?" "Which one of you fuckers took the case?" "!" "I don't know anything about it." "How do we know you didn't take it?" "Cos I know what I did and didn't do and I know I didn't take the case." "It was you, wasn't it?" "You think I've crept in here in the middle of the night while you were sleeping and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?" "I think that's exactly what you did." "Do you?" "All right, then, genius." "If I took the case, then why am I still here?" "Sorry, what was that?" "Not as clever as you think, are you?" "Smack down!" "You're still here because you need the combination to the briefcase, and this guy is the only one who has it." "All right, yeah, that's a good point." "So whoever did take the case is probably close by waiting for Stumpy to regain consciousness." "Also true." "We need to search the Community Centre." "Oh, you beat me to it." "I was just about to say that." "It was Seth." "He took the case, didn't he?" "Why d'you say that?" "I can feel it in my nut sack." "You know what he's like." "He's sneaky and he's underhand." "And he makes cruel jokes about you behind your back." "He's all this. "His cock's like a little fuckin' slug."" "Did he... did he say that?" "Mm-hmm." "What, has he seen..." "Has he seen my cock?" "Well, what are you saying?" "I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is." "'So you were going to drug this guy Seth?" "'" "But it was Curtis..." "He was the one in the freezer?" "You seem just as obsessed with the briefcase as the others." "This is bullshit." "All right, you've got me." "Busted." "I believe I am what is commonly referred to as an "unreliable narrator"." "Mmm?" "See, Curtis was right." "'I did sneak out in the middle of the night 'while they were dreaming their happy little dreams.'" "Fucking hell." "Fuck it!" "Bingo!" "'So having gone to investigate the mysterious noise," "'I returned to the room." "'Only to find... 'that the case had vanished!" "'" "Fuck!" "So I go back to sleep... well, I slipped in a cheeky little sunrise wank." "And then I acted all dumb, yeah, innocent." "And do you know what?" "You were right, mate." "It wasn't me and Curtis having a little chat by the vending machine." "'It was me and Seth.'" "It was Curtis." "He's the one who took the case, isn't he?" "Why d'you say that?" "I can feel it in my nut sack." "You know what he's like." "He is sneaky and he's underhand." "And he makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back." "It's all this." ""Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up" ""is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit."" "He said that about Kelly?" "Huh..." "Two-faced bastard." "So what are you saying?" "I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is." "Beverage?" "How sneaky am I, eh?" "Shame on me." "See, I think Curtis was in cahoots..." "Cahoots is a great word." "I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the Community Centre this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they're on Community Service." "Can you see where I'm going?" "You lost me at cahoots." "Unbelievable." "He's spiked our drinks." "No!" "When was this?" "Let's not beat ourselves up about it." "I mean, I have, I've bamboozled you with me devious cunning, for I have been spinning you a yarn this whole time waiting for the drugs to kick in, which should be right about no wish." "Easy." "Go with it." "Just let it wash over you." "It's like a gentle autumn breeze." "Ooh, eh?" "Sleepytime for bobos." "What the fuck?" "!" "Who is that?" "Is that you?" "Of course it's me!" "Who else would it be?" "Oh my God." "What's that?" "There's something moving in my hand." "That's my tit." "Oh, sorry." "Just stop touching my tits!" "I was trying to find me phone." "It's not in my bra!" "There's no signal, you?" "Never when you really need it." "Help!" "Help!" "Shh." "Hey." "Relax." "He's just messing with us." "This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know like in those posh, private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other's shit." "You are so naive." "You're a paedophile's wet dream." ""Hey, little boy." "Do you want to come with me into the bushes" ""and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?"" "What?" "Wasn't in the bushes." "It was at me uncle's house." "He had this..." "big, old house in the country." "It was surrounded by corn fields." "It was beautiful." "I used to stay there in the summer when I was a kid." "Every night, my uncle came to my room." "I can still feel him on top of me... the smell of whiskey and cigarettes on his breath... after he raped me." "I'd feel his tears falling on me face, like salty rain." "I'm joking." "You prick!" "I thought you were being serious." "Ouch!" "Jesus!" "You dick!" "Why would you do that?" "I was trying to lighten the mood." "You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?" "I'm just saying." "It could be worse." "You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary, rapist uncle." "Suddenly, things don't seem quite so bad." "Help!" "Help!" "I've done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end." "What did he say?" "He said "ouch" and "fuck you"." "So what do we do with him?" "Put him on ice until he's ready to talk." "Is it just me or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?" "I'm going to die in a freezer on my first day of Community Service." "I thought I'd have kids, grow old and ugly." "I'd die in my sleep with all my family around me." "I always thought I'd die in a car crash." "A silver Mercedes 300SL Gullwing." "I'm off my head on prescription painkillers." "Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie." "I open me eyes and bang!" "I hit a tree, a big, fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea." "Angelina lives, but she's horribly disfigured." "Sadie?" "Who's Sadie?" "Me dog." "If I die, who's going to feed me dog?" "Are you dying?" "I..." "I really need a wee." "I have a small bladder." "Don't mind me if you want to..." "I'm not going to piss myself in front of you." "What if we piss ourselves in front of each other?" "There's no shame in that." "Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronise, on the count of three?" "Oh, this can't be happening." "Are you pissing in your pants or are you getting it out?" "Pissing in my pants." "OK!" "I'm going to just..." "There he is." "All right?" "Here we go." "On three..." "Will you please just shut the fuck up and let me piss myself?" "OK." "I really hope you don't need a shit." "What are you doing?" "!" "We don't know anything about any briefcase!" "We just want to go home and watch Countdown!" "I've got a dog!" "We're going to die in here." "What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their Community Service?" "I believe you will find there's no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there?" "Guilty!" "Fuck 'em." "Who is he?" "He must be the guy with the case." "Jesus, get it off me!" "You just touched me face with his stump!" "Don't be such a baby." "It was an accident." "It touched me mouth." "That's how people get AIDs." "Yeah, there's other ways too." "Like sharing needles and fucking monkeys." "Who are you?" "We're on Community Service." "Where's my case?" "We don't know anything about your briefcase." "We show up here this morning, mm?" "This guy pretends to be our probation worker." "He tells us this crazy story, then he drugs us and locks us in a freezer." "So why don't you tell us what the fuck is going on?" "You can entertain us while we all slowly freeze to death." "Before all this shit started, me and the guys I used to run with, we just robbed a case full of cash from some diamond dealer." "We were just about to divvy up the cash." "'I'm sitting there and I'm looking at the money, 'and I just know I don't want to share it." "'You move in that world long enough, 'it gets so you don't care who you screw over.'" "♪ Finished with my woman cos she couldn't help me with my mind" "♪ People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time... ♪" "'Next thing I know is I'm lying on the ground." "'Ever since then, 'people have been trying to take the money off me." "'People go crazy.'" "It's like..." "I infected them." "I lost... everyone I ever cared about." "So I wonder where the case is?" "Why're you suddenly so interested?" "Are you infected?" "No." "What about you?" "Look at him." "He's dying and frozen." "It's obviously not working any more." "Obviously." "So via a scientific process of elimination," "I have established that Curtis, he must have that case." "But we've got the guy who knows the combination." "Checkmate." "Stalemate?" "Well, that's the same difference, isn't it?" "Really?" "So what do you say me and you team up, kill Curtis, split the cash?" "Curtis is a dick." "You?" "You're different." "I've always admired and respected you." "Am I shocked?" "Not really." "Dude, do you..." "Do you think my cock looks like a tiny little slug?" "I think you have a fucking beautiful penis." "Thanks, mate." "I am strangely blessed." "D'you know what, I like you." "I like you a lot." "We should be best mates." "We are we are so in tune, it's scary." "We're like one cock with two minds." "I love you, man." "Welling up a bit there." "I love you too." "Do you want to hug it out or summat?" "Yeah." "Banging." "This is..." "I'm loving this." "Me too." "It is a bit awkward cos you were quite complimentary about my penis back there and you should probably know... that I've spiked your drink." "And you should also know... that I didn't drink it." "What in the name of Jesus have you got yourself mixed up in this time?" "You've just been knocked unconscious with an 'ole punch." "When we get out of this freezer, we should team up, kill those fuckers and take the case." "Definitely." "Let's do this." "Hiya." "I'm here to rescue you." "Rescue us?" "!" "We nearly died in there, you dick!" "Kick him again." "Wait, wait!" "I am not the guy who locked you in the freezer." "Come on." "Even I don't believe that, and I can be incredibly naive." "It was the other me." "Yeah." "He's like my twin... sort of." "It was the storm." "You know about the storm, don't you?" "Maybe." "OK." "If you're not the guy that locked us in the freezer, prove it." "I know where the briefcase is." "She pissed in her pants." "Mm-hm." "I wasn't even here yesterday." "I was cleaning our flat." "Well the other Rudy's not going to do it, is he?" "And then, when he didn't come back, that's when I went looking for him." "Please..." "Bingo!" "Oh..." "So, since then, I've been watching them, just trying to work out what the hell's been going on." "It's the guy in the freezer." "He's infected them." "They'll do anything to get their hands on the money in the case." "How do we stop it?" "I don't know." "Maybe you have to kill the guy in the freezer." "You were in the freezer with him." "We're OK." "Because he was dying?" "And frozen." "Which cancels the whole thing out?" "Obviously." "I'm taking the case." "Don't make me hurt you." "Oh, yeah?" "You think you're the only one with a power around here?" "Shit." "I think you've got something that belongs to me." "I am taking that case." "The man with the bloody big chainsaw begs to differ." "You dirty little..." "Give me that fucking case!" "Give me the motherfucking case!" "Back off!" "Stay back!" "Give me it." "I swear I'll cave your fucking skull in." "I'm going to saw your fucking legs off, you dick." "Oh, shit!" "Me and you, we're friends." "We bonded like the end of Titanic, remember?" "So come on, give me the case." "Fuck the end of Titanic!" "Money!" "My money." "That were intense, weren't it?" "What the fuck was all that about?" "It was the guy with the case." "He infected us with some kind of power." "Oh." "It's the storm." "Always the storm." "And what's your story?" "We're new." "Ey, how about that, then?" "That's quite a tale, that is." "Took twists and turns, didn't it?" "New powers." "A hint of sexual possibilities." "Tears, laughter, horribly graphic violence." "Oh, mate, mutilated testicles!" "Yes, mm-mm-mm, something for all the family." "Who are you?" "I'm your new probation worker." "How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?" "Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?" "Cor, I have no idea." "I mean, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge." "Is it OK if I leave early?" "I've got a dog at home." "I need to let her out for a shit." "Er, have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?" "No." "And his probation worker..." "Go on." "He hunted him down." "He pinned him to the floor." "And he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon." "I'm sure she can wait." "You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before." "You will feel like you have been fucked by a train." "I think we'll get along great." "And you..." "I really like you." "Whatever." "Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?" "That's definitely new." "Why did he single me out?" "Why me?" "Well, don't sweat it, man." "Chances are he'll be dead by t'end of week." "Sadie?" "I'm home." "You are not going to believe the day I've had." "It was totally insane." "I mean, off the scale." "How was your day?" "Tell you what, why don't I make us a sandwich, then I'll tell you all about it?" "This is a sculpting class, and you will be their models." "They might not be able to see you, but I can." "I'm supposed to feel your face." "Go for it." "'Trying to get your stinking little fingers' into her lovely creamy knickers." "There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls." "There is a law!" "'There's a law." "It's called Rudy's law." "'He's got this room, he keeps it locked." "'Keep hearing all this talking through the door.'" "I like to shit in a bucket." "Hello?" "I don't want to keep you like this any longer than I have to."