"It's almost the end, huh?" "No." "They say it could be weeks or months." "You have to put him somewhere." " I can't..." " You have to put him somewhere." "He doesn't want to." "He wants out." "He wants out." "Does Ed have end of life directives?" " No extreme measures." " Okay, okay." "Shell." "We have options." " Don't say it." "Don't say it." " We do." "Okay, you say it." "I googled." "Sometimes I do some googling." "So you lied to me." "There was no conference." "There was a conference but I just..." "I didn't attend." "So what, you... it's a... it's a room full of straight men in dresses." "Dancing." "Ahh, dancing." "Together?" "Yes." "Wives come." "What?" "Wives come." "Are you saying you want me to go with you?" "Guys bring their wives and it's... it's not what you think." "It's wonderful, wonderful community." "Everyone is so..." "I'd love to share it with you." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "What if we, like, donated it to kids going through chemo or something?" "Babe, I know you can't appreciate what it is to be an addict, but you've got to respect the fact that you're living with one." "Well, I thought that you were into cocaine?" "Yeah, it's a drug, okay?" "And a drug is a drug and I'm sober." "Okay." "Okay, babe." "I am trying to understand." "Okay." "And I'm really sorry about what happened with Bianca." "Yeah, well, Bianca's responsible for what happened to Bianca." "This is really rad of you." "I had no place else to go, so..." "Well, I feel like it's absolutely my fault that you got the boot, so you can absolutely stay here for a day or two." "Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "This is Stevie Wonder." "Sorry, Stevie." "Hey, you like Huevos Rancheros?" " Yeah." " It's my specialty." "I'm gonna make you some in the morning since you're letting me chill here." "Okay." "Okay, cool." "Remember when I had my gall bladder surgery?" "Yeah." "You were a horrible patient." "There were saltines all over the bed." "Is this Zankou?" "Where's the garlic stuff?" "Oh, I got that from my place, uh, just around the corner." "Oh, oh, I just ate the tushy." "Mm, delicious." "Oh, so now that you want to be a woman all the time, do you still want to date women?" "Yes, I mean, Shell, it's still me." "So you're a lesbian?" "Well..." "So we got gay married before it was fashionable." " I can't wait." " Yes, please." " Daddy!" "Daddy!" " Hello." "Hi." " Trampolini." " Oh, hi." "What trampoline?" "We don't have... oh, that trampoline." "Hey." " Hey." " So here's their stuff." "I'll pick 'em up in a couple of days." "Okay, cool." "I miss this couch." "They don't have squishy couches out in the Palisades?" "Tammy is sort of making everything really modern, and kind of Palm Springsy and stuff." "She's very specific about how things should look." "And be." "I'm sorry, I'm like, shouldn't be t..." "I... we just had a thing, so, just... ugh, God, she made me flush all my weed." "Wait, since when do you have weed?" "Oh, that, well, that was since I..." "I stressed out after this guy came to Shabbat, and threatened all these women with a knife." "Oh, who was that..." " that asshole?" " Weird guy." "Never got high with me." "It actually calms me down." "It's this, like, pen thingy." " People use a pen to get high." " I know, it's crazy." "I know." "Where would you get a pen like that?" "You do not." "Oh." " Hi." " Hi." "I teach talmud in about half an hour, so we have only like 15 minutes." " Okay." " Okay." "Cool" " Great." " Okay, uh, what's the class about?" "Josh." "What do you want?" "I totally fucked up." "You took care of me, you made me an incredible meal." "I was a douchebag and I got caught up in some stupid family stuff." "You were right to leave." "I am sorry." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Uh, you want to get some food or something?" "I teach class in a half an hour." " Right, right." " So..." "Can I just, like, wait for you?" "I'm just gonna..." "look, I'll just wait here." "And then I walked into Dale's house and it was, like, totally different." "I mean, has anything like that ever happened to you?" "Yeah." "That's how anyone feels after they've boned someone random." "No, listen, it wasn't just like that, wanting to ditch out, it was truly bizarre." "Like I didn't know where I was, like, who I was, how I got there." "Hey, I know why you were there." " Why?" " 'Cause you were there to learn." "My pre-school teacher was, like, have your mom cut out letters so I could hold 'em when I was in the bath." "'Cause I'm a tactile learner." "You, you're a vaginal learner." "Really?" "It's like you have to stick stuff in there in order to understand it." "That's what it seems like, at least." "Right?" "Hey, what is this?" "Wait a second, hold on one second." " Oh, hey, it's a record." " That's right." " Like that?" " You're like, oh, what's this?" "What's this giant thing in me?" "It's the Statue of Liberty." "Ouch." "Please don't put the Statue of Liberty in my vagina." "There's a lot of things you shouldn't put in there." "Josh and I used to listen to this record all the time." "I know." "That's actually Josh's record." "What do you mean?" "He gave it to me." "Really?" "You and Josh trade records." "I didn't even know you spoke to each other." "Yeah, I mean, the record trading thing, that's kinda new, but, yeah, we hang out." "Really?" "Like just Saturday morning or just like, hey, Josh, what are you doing, you want to hang out?" "Huh." "There's so many things I would have done differently." "Like telling the kids about my dad, we should have done that together." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, I knew we were unhappy, but it didn't occur to me to do anything about it." "I mean, I wanted you to be a happy lady." "I gotta get my shit together." "I got a date tonight." "What?" "You have a date?" "What are you, tendering already?" "No, it's, uh, Melanie." "Torres." "Melanie Torres." "You mean, your assistant?" "Oh, my God." "That's disgusting." "What, you've been, like, sharing an office with her for four years, and the whole time you've just been thinking about tossing it in her?" " But I didn't." " But you wanted to." "That's the important part, I didn't until you gave me the go ahead." " What are her tits like?" " No." " Come on." " No." "What are her tits like?" "Are they big?" "Are they little?" "They're small-ish." "Do you like them?" "My God, you like them?" " They're fine." " You like them?" "They're fine." "Okay, I'm gonna ask you something and do not lie." "These were overwhelming for you?" "Is that... were these overwhelming?" "Yeah, our main problem was that your tits were too big for me." "No, I think I managed them quite well." "Let me tell you something." "Nobody beats your tits." "Tammy loves these mammer jammers." "Tammy and I agree on one thing." " Well..." " Not couches." " We agree on..." " Tits." " Two things." " Which is the other one?" "Both of your tits." "I should get the office, I should get the assistant." "None of that really matters, because the only thing that matters is being the first one to find that band that's untouched." "And then when you find them, just, like, having that instinct to know this is the sound that's gonna break through." "That's all that matters." "See, I think I'm, like, the, literally, exact opposite of you." "I just try to take really, really, really old shit that people have heard a million times, and then I try to make it sound new again." "Hey." "I left my sweater in the bathroom." "Raquel, Bianca." "Bianca, Raquel." " Hey." " Hi." " What's up?" " What's up?" "Oh, you're wearing that shirt I like." "Bye." "Later." " Um..." " What is that?" "Uh, she is, uh, crashing here..." " Later." " Bye." "She's my sister's new girlfriend's, uh, ex's stepdaughter." " Yeah." " Stepdaughter, yeah." "We can take a second, if you need to, and get your story straight." " Um, there's no story." " She's living here?" "She is just crashing here." "It is temporary." " She's living here." " No, she's crashing here." " Okay." " She's a kid that..." "I don't know how to play games." " I'm not playing..." " I really don't want to, I'm just..." "Hey, I'm not playing games." "I think I just..." "I think I need to go, Josh, if you don't mind." "Can we calm down for a second?" "I am calm." " Clearly." " This is just..." " waste of my time." " I'm wasting your time?" " Yeah." " What, spending time with somebody that you actually like?" " Oh." " You like me, right?" " Yeah." " Okay." "That's good." "So can we not be in a rush?" "Like, why are we in a hurry?" "I'm not in a hurry." "You brought up your eggs on a first date." "You're gonna seriously throw that back in my face." "I was trying to make a joke about my eggs." "I'm not ashamed that I want a family, Josh." "Sorry if that is so terrifying to you." "I could have been kicked out of the temple." "For what?" "For fucking a congregant, Josh." "I'm not a congregant." "I put you on list, I added you to my email blast." "Yeah." "I'll unsubscribe." "I don't care." " That is really gentlemanly." " I don't give a fuck about that." "And we never fucked anyway, did we?" " Yeah, no we didn't fuck." " No, we..." "I want to come in you." "Can I come in you?" "Yes." "Yes, come inside me." "Is that okay?" "Oh, my God." "It's okay?" "Okay." "Oh, my God." "Are you fucking my brother?" "Oh, my God!" " Do you care?" "I mean..." " Yes, I care." "Doesn't it occur to you that this might make me feel strange or bad or weird?" "You make me feel bad all the time." "Like, all the time." "Like, remember when you were in college, and you were, like, come visit me, and I drove all the way there, and then I just hung out with your roommate while you, like," "fucked some guy in the back room." "You're talking about stuff that happened, literally, decades ago." "And, like, I'm buying you drugs, and you're like, okay, thanks for the drugs, now I'm gonna do 'em with someone else." "Or you just leave me in butt fuck nowhere with some trans man, and then I'm, like, dressing you up." "I don't know why you're acting like a fucking jealous girlfriend." "And what any of that stuff has to do with this." "I feel terrible constantly." "Constantly." "I just don't even exist in this." "Like, you're not listening to me." "I don't understand." "Stop yelling at me and making me feel..." " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." " Bad about this, like..." "What do you mean you feel terrible constantly?" "I'm constantly hurting you?" "It's just hard, um..." "I feel like since, um... like since eighth grade, I just..." "I've had, um... feelings for you, like, um... uh, that are confusing." "That aren't just, like, friend..." "friend feelings." "Like, that are more than friend feelings, and, um, it's just, I don't know, it just seems weird that you never noticed those before." "I'm just confused." "If this is how you feel, then why are you sleeping with my brother?" "But if you're feeling possessive, doesn't that mean you might feel the same towards me?" "Okay." "You'd do this in front of other people?" "Yeah." "Everyone just does it." "It's just a..." "Well, fuck." "Honey, it's me." "Shell." "I love you." "It's me, honey." "And how long has it been you?" "Hm?" "Was it you when we met?" "Was it you on our wedding night?" "Yes." "I can't." "I'm done." "All right." "They have arrived." "Look at that burnt orange color." "Isn't that gorgeous?" "It's a little '70s, isn't it?" "No, 'cause I mean, the color, the orange with the blue, you know?" " Yeah." " You okay, you like it?" " Yeah, it's cool." " Really?" " Yeah." " You really do?" " Honey, I like it." " Okay, all right." " Good, good." " Jesus Christ." " Yeah, I think it's awesome." " Fucking love it," " I want to fuck that chair." " Okay." "Okay." "You ever think about Barb and Len?" "Yeah, of course." "Course I do." "Do you think, like, about what we did to them, do you think that's okay?" "You know, it's just, uh... they're on their own path, babe, you know?" "You know, Len started dating this Melanie chick." " Yeah." " His assistant." " His assistant." " Okay." "Seriously?" "You know, like, how cliche can you get?" "And she has this disabled son so basically he gonna spend, like, the rest of his life going on slow walks and washing mittens." "That might be what... what Len needs." "That's just gonna take him away from us and..." "I mean, from the kids." "Hey, you sound like you might be a little bit jealous, babe." "I'm not jealous, I'm just venting." "Can I vent?" "I'm just venting." "Yeah, you can vent." "If that's really what you're doing." "You just... you sound a little more like you're jealous." "You know?" "And I..." "I know a little something about being jealous, 'cause people have been jealous of me my entire life." "What do you want to do?" "Order food." "Watch dumb movies." " Yes." " Stay in bed all day." "Yes." "Do that." "* The words are true" "* To dance we know the moves" "* The bar, the tip, the woo" "* Though the words are true" "You didn't tell me you could sing." "* Just stay..." "You never asked." "Well, there's no ambulance, so hopefully" " we still have time to say goodbye." " One last thumbs up." "You know what?" "Don't be a dick right now." "Okay?" "Can you do that?" " What's wrong with you?" " Nothing, I don't want to talk about it." "The thing is, if he was already dead, like, there wouldn't be ambulances, there'd be, like, a coroner and a bunch of people from the temple." "Didn't Ed have any family of his own?" "Well, if I remember correctly, his lack of family was his strongest selling point." "So everything... it's open." "My lord, that is a lot of medicine." "Is he gone?" "Not yet." " Where is he?" " In the bedroom." "Moppa, what are you doing here?" "Hi, kids." "We made Arnold Palmers." "Come on in." "They might be a little sweet, so tell me, and I'll just adjust the ratio." "Dad, what are you doing over here?" "Do you want one?" " Yeah." " It's perfect." "How you doin'?" "You look good." "So you guys have been hangin' out?" " Little bit." " Yeah, what are you doing here?" "Oh, I just came over because I was feeling kind of down." "Seems my, uh... my kids abandoned me at a critical moment in my journey, so I felt kind of down, I thought I would visit your mom, whom I trust." "I was up there on stage and I was," "I believe, trying to do my best." " We were there." " We were there." " We were there." " We were there." "You weren't there." "That row was clear." "It was just at that very last..." "I mean, it was... you were amazing." "You were great." "Oh, really, it was really, really..." " What did you like?" " Those wigs," " and your makeup..." " We rented those." "I mean, you looked stunning." "And your eyelashes." " Oh, my God." " Oh those were double eyelashes." "Can we get on with it, honey?" "Ed is in a dire state." "We've been talking about this." "And I'm done." "That's all there is to it." " Your mom is done." " Done with what?" "Well, and that's why we invited you over here, so that you could have a chance to say goodbye." "Wait, what does that mean?" "Is he about to die?" "Well, not now, but maybe sooner than we thought." "He's in a lot of pain, but we're gonna ease Ed into... the next transition." "He's fine." "He's exactly the same as always." "I was just in there with him." "He was smiling at me." "He smiles, he blinks, he pisses, he shits." "You don't have any idea what his life is like." "I'm sorry, are you talking about his life or your life?" "Because if you're done, that's fine, but I don't think you get to decide when his is over." "And your mom, her anxiety is through the roof." "To get one of you three to even notice what's going on here is almost impossible." " We notice." " You don't notice, sweetie." "I do." "I call her all the time." "Do I not?" "I don't want you to call me." "I want you to be here." "He's the only one who comes." " She." " No one else, not one of you." "I come over..." "I am cleaning the piss and the shit and the vomit, and I sit here alone with him in front of the television, and I have nobody to talk to." " We're here." " Yeah, but your minds are elsewhere." "He came over to be with me." "She." "I'm..." "I'm a she." "I'm a woman." "She takes care of me." "I can't." "Anymore." "I can't." "I can't take..." "Look at me." "Look at me." "It's either him or me." "All right." "I think we should get the rabbi over here." "I feel like we need some outside help." " What do we need the rabbi for?" " It's a big decision." "What, we're like religious Jews?" "I'm gonna text her right now." "Why do you have the rabbi's number?" "We've been hanging out." "We're hanging out." " Oh, my God." " Oh, my God, you're... oh, my God." "Are you fucking the rabbi?" "Fucking the rabbi." " You're fucking the rabbi." " You're fucking the rabbi?" "Mom." "Mommy, it's... this is different." " Mom, I love her for him." " Aah!" "I do, too." "But wait, I want to go on record that I was the one who first said that" "I thought she was fabulous for him." " Right?" " But I called it." "I've never felt like this before." " My God, I have to get out of here." " Joshy." " I know." " Like, goosebumps." "Als, what's the deal?" "Can you just leave me alone, please." "No." "It's, like, totally insane in there." "I think we should all be there together." "Well, I'm not helping them do it, so..." "We're just helping by listening." "No, you're helping by helping." "Okay, you know what?" "Everyone can't bail all the time." "Okay, you know what?" "I'll just deal with it." "Yeah, go." "Go take care of it." " Go take care of killing Ed." " Oh, yeah, no, you relax." "You relax." "You stay here and take care of yourself,Als." "As usual." "Why are you being an asshole?" "What's going on?" "Um, I don't know." "Maybe something like you've been fucking Syd, and didn't think it was necessary to tell me about that." " That." " Yeah, that." " Yeah, right." " Yeah." "Okay, sorry." "Look, it is not a big deal." "She's my best friend, it's a big deal." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "It's over." "It's never gonna happen again." "Especially now, and I gotta tell you," "I mean, I've been dying to tell you," "Raquel and me, I'm in love." " Really?" " Yeah." " You're in love with the rabbi?" " Yeah." "Wow." "You're in love." "Thank you for telling me that." "Congratulations." "I gotta go." "So I have four bottles of Percocet from when I had the brachial cyst removed." "And, you know, I can just grind it up and, you know..." "Four bottles does it?" "Yeah, that's what they..." "that's what they say." "It's, uh, it's enough." "And you put it in..." "I'll grind it and put it in the I.V." "All right, well, it looks like you did your homework." "Had to, we had to." "So we're... we're really doing this." "We could have a wonderful Shiva." " Oh." " A Shiva." "Oh, he could have a great Shiva." "It's a great idea." "We should do it at the house." "No, no." "We're gonna do a Shiva, we're gonna do it here." "But we have a big house." "Yeah, I've already got the stuff." "What do you mean, what Shiva supplies you have lying around?" "I have the napkins, and I have the stirrers." " And I have the mustard." " Guys, she has the mustard." "No, seriously, Tammy's been dying to throw something at our house." "My... my friend Harry Finkelstein..." "Oh!" "I love this one." "So my friend Harry Finkelstein went to the doctor's the other day to pick up his wife's blood test results." "The nurse said there was a terrible mistake at the lab." "There were two Mrs. Finkelsteins." "One Mrs. Finkelsteins results came back positive for Alzheimer's." "The other Mrs. Finkelstein tested positive for the clap." "So Harry says, why don't you take another test?" "The nurse says, the insurance won't cover that." " That can't be true." " Shut up, I want to hear this." "So Harry says, my wife either has Alzheimer's or V.D.?" "Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?" "The nurse says, drop her off in Burbank." "If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her." " Oh, that's so good." " Yeah." "Tells a mean joke." "But not too mean." "A joke." "I'm just here to make you happy." " * I love you in the morning" " L'Chaim." "* our kisses deep and warm"