" Morning, Arthur." " Hey, Randy." "How's your new partner?" "Uh, typical eager-beaver rookie." "Can't wait to clean up the streets and protect and serve." "Ah, it's such a cute age." "Aw..." "Can I tempt you with a batch of some fresh maple crèmes?" " Hmm?" " Ooh!" "Okay, all right." "I had to chase him four blocks, but I got him." "All right, I'm calling the station." "Dispatch, this is Officer DeLuca." "Be advised... the maple crèmes are fresh." "This is what you're doing while I'm out there risking my life?" "Oh, James." "Some day you're gonna learn the difference between the perps that need chasing and the ones that are just "eh."" "Really?" "I hold up a liquor store, and all I get is "eh"?" "And there's your confession." "Now just relax, order yourself something." "Okay." "Uh, do you have any cronuts?" " Ooh!" " Oh!" "What?" "A cronut." "It's, uh, part donut, part croissant." "It's what they call a hybrid." "I-I know what a cronuts is, and no, I don't sell them." "Nor do I sell muffins or duffins or muffnuts." "The name of this place is" "Superior Donuts." "I sell donuts." "My parents did not smuggle me out of Communist Poland in the hold of a cargo ship so that 65 years later, I could sell you a damn cronut!" "Scone?" "Get out of here." " Hi, Arthur." " Hey, Maya." "Whoa!" "Lot of books." "Yeah." "I'm changing my dissertation to a textual analysis of hetero-normative structures as they relate to the postmodern patriarchy." "Now, I know what you're thinking..." "How ironic to be writing about gender roles surrounded by donuts, which..." "Let's face it..." "Are Western culture's culinary representation of the vagina." "So what kind of vagina can I get you?" "Arthur, it is only okay when I say it." "Oh." "Donut man!" " I'm here about the job." " What?" ""You got a Help Wanted" sign in the window, which you don't need anymore, 'cause I'm here." "Okay." "Leave your résumé." "I'll call if I'm interested." "Mm, I ain't really a résumé guy." "But I'll tell you this." "I used to work at Pete's Liquors, till they turned that into a Whole Foods." "And I used to drive a truck for the Salvation Army till they turned that into an Old Navy." "So you're a small business serial killer, huh?" "You funny." "So what's the pay?" " Minimum wage." " Health insurance?" "First aid kit." " What about profit sharing?" " Profit sharing?" "Do you believe in profit sharing?" "Yeah, I believe in it." "I don't offer it." "You want benefits, why don't you apply at the Whole Foods?" "Ugh." "I refuse to work for some greedy-ass corporation that's ripping the soul out of the neighborhood I grew up in." "They turned you down?" "Bastards!" "So what would I have to do?" "Uh, work the counter, brew coffee, make change." "You need help with social media?" "Instagram?" "Snapchat?" "Tumblr?" "Morse code?" "Cave paintings?" "How old are you, man?" "I don't need that stuff." "This is a donut shop." "I hate to break it you, but this is a donut museum." "It happens to be my slow time of day." "It's 8:00 a.m. in a place that serves breakfast." "In a city full of fat people." "You got, like, one customer here, man!" "You have a point?" "This place could be a gold mine, you know?" "It's authentic." "People love that." "Just remind the world that you're here." ""Maybe put a chalkboard outside with a Donut of the Day" on it." "You know, eventually, the chalkboard's gonna get stolen, but that's fine." "That's cool." "It gets the people talking." "Yo, yo, you heard somebody stole" ""the chalkboard from the donut shop?"" ""Wait, wait." "Back up." "We got a donut shop?" "I want a donut!"" "Now everybody talk about donuts, man!" "Bam!" "You realize this is a job interview, right?" "Yeah." "How am I doing?" "Actually, not bad." "Arthur, I'm celebrating!" "Donuts for everyone!" "Who was already in the room when I made the offer." "Fawz, why are you in such a good mood?" "The American dream, my friend." "I'm living it!" "For years, I'm buying buildings in this dung-heap neighborhood." "And now Starbucks is opening." "Rents will rise, and I will be rich!" "I'm gonna have money coming into my ass!" "Great." "Jack up the rent so I got to move down to South Side and dodge bullets every time I go to the store." "Who is this black guy?" "Actually, I go by Franco." ""Only my friends call me black guy."" "What?" "I'm not allowed to say you're black?" "I'm not allowed to call black people black people?" "It's cool, man." "No reason to blow up." "Ah, terrorist joke." "A first for me." "So, Arthur, have you considered my offer?" "Sorry, Fawz, I'm not selling the shop." "Arthur, give it up!" "Fancy people are moving to Uptown, and they don't want donuts." "They want to drink kale smoothies and not vaccinate their children." "I'm afraid Fawz is right." "Uptown is being gentrified." "Low-income families and small businesses are being pushed out by soulless chains and condominiums for rich white people." "Uh, aren't you a rich white person?" "Yes, and I have to live with that every day of my life." "So, Arthur, what do you say?" "I give you good price." "Just give me a couple of days to think about it." "No, you don't have to think about it, man." "'Cause you can't sell this place." "It's the heart of this neighborhood." "I remember when I was six, my dad came back home with a box of Superior Donuts." "We sat out on the porch all night, eating donuts, watching them put up Christmas lights on the crack house across the street." "Damn, they worked fast!" "Your point?" "My point is this neighborhood is our home." "And those people moving in..." "They're not coming to join us." "They're coming to push us out." "And you got to push back, man." "You built something here, and it deserves to live on." "Who the hell is this guy?" " Yeah, who the hell are you?" " Franco Wicks." "He's Franco Wicks." "He works here." "Mark my words, Arthur." "You will rue the day you said no to me!" "Ooh, that sounds a little terrorist-y." "Sorry about that." "Have a nice day." "You will not regret this, man." "I'm gonna help you bring this place into the 20th century." "Oh, you mean the 21st." "No, I don't." "What the hell you doing here so early?" "Did we discuss you painting my shop?" "I'm a self-starter, man." "You like the color?" ""It's called ancient ivory."" "Like you." "Your jukebox ate my quarter." "That thing hasn't worked for years." "Oh, well, I was trying to find some Biggie Smalls, and all they had was Little Richard." "The next time you think of painting, ask first, okay?" "Actually, you're doing a pretty good job." " That's because I'm an artist." " Really?" "Oil?" "Water color?" "I'm more of a street artist." "Oh, graffiti, which is illegal." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "It's not graffiti." "It's social commentary." "Why is it like when a white dude like Banksy does it, it's great art, but when a black dude does it, it's graffiti?" "Are you a racist?" "Not yet." "Well, Basquiat started as a street artist, so I suppose you're in good company." "Basquiat?" "Donut Man knows his art history." "I'm shocked." "Just because I own a donut shop, I can't like art?" "I watch documentaries." "I got Netflix." "Morning, Arthur." "Hey." "Are you being robbed?" " With this?" " I've seen it." "No, no, he works here." "Yeah, I work here, fat Bruce Willis." "I've seen it." "Name's Carl Tushinski." ""People call me Tush."" "'Cause I got one you can bounce a quarter off of." "He's my most loyal customer." "Yeah, he used to come in here every morning before his shift at the John Deere factory." "Then he kept coming in when the plant went belly-up." "Best thing that ever happened to me." "Now I work when I want" ""where I want." "It's called the gig economy"" "I deliver pizzas, walk dogs, do some modeling." "Mostly print." ""I've done a hell of a lot of before" pictures." "You know, this place is kind of like my office." "Oh." "Ew." "Is that a fax machine?" "Yup." "Does everything your smart phone does, but I found mine on a curb." " So, Arthur?" " I got to make some donuts." "I know, but I have some ideas about boosting business." "All right?" "Let's get some free Wi-Fi in this place." "Or we can pass out some flyers at the weed dispensary." "Oh!" "Or make this the weed dispensary!" "Are you married to donuts?" "I'm just playing, man." "What's your marketing budget like?" "I can totally amaze you with $1,000." "Why don't you mildly surprise me with $50?" "Mm, I get it... you ain't got that kind of money." "No, I got it... in my emergency fund." "Good luck." "He hasn't touched that in 30 years." "Well, you should, because this is an emergency." "If you don't do something, Starbucks gonna put you out of business." " Come on, I can save you." " Save me?" "Who are you..." "Black Jesus?" "Okay, first of all, that's redundant." "I'm gonna give you, uh, $200." " Thank you." " I don't want thanks." "I want customers." "Oh!" "Gig coming in!" "Huh." "Hospital needs a fluid donor." "Wonder if it's blood or sperm." "Last time, I guessed wrong, and they were not happy." "Aah, Starbucks." "Just opened." "There's already a line out the door." "Which is a good thing." "They will get sick of waiting, so I have a plan to entice them over here." "Sweatpants!" "This is my friend Sweatpants." "He's gonna stand outside and pass out flyers and look delicious." "And I'm gonna post this video on our new Instagram account." "All right, Sweatpants, say your line." "Who wants to go nuts for donuts?" "All right, Sweatpants, make us proud." "And, look, don't go north on Foster Avenue." "Some of those sprinkles are gang colors." "You really think that's gonna work?" "Absolutely." "I also lined up a poetry slam for tonight, and I posted a bunch of dope-ass Yelp reviews." "Dope-ass... that's good, right?" "Dope-ass is good." "Trust me, Arthur." "This is going to be your biggest day in years." "Yeah, well, that would be nice." "Wish you had seen this place in its heyday." "The factory was doing three shifts a day, people were having breakfast all around the clock." " That's cool." " Yeah, this place was stacked." " The jukebox was working." " Yeah?" "The air was thick with the smell of donuts and cigarettes." "Wonder where those people are today." "Probably dead from all the donuts and cigarettes." "Just saying, you can't give someone a ticket for being annoying." "I can, and I did." "Fine, but I'm not paying it." "Hey, Arthur, I just got a flyer from a giant donut named Jockstrap?" "Actually, uh, his name is Sweatpants, and I'm Franco." " Nice to meet you, Franco." " What's up?" "I'm Randy DeLuca." "I've known Randy since she was a kid." "Dad was a stubborn S.O.B." "He cheated at bowling and never once left a tip." "Best friend I ever had." "Yeah, he started bringing me here when I was a little girl." "We'd come after school, after church, after Cubs games." "I was kind of a porker." " You look pretty good now." " Well," "I don't know if I should be flattered or drug test you." "Be flattered." "Or else wait three days." "Hey, where'd that come from?" "Oh, I painted it." "Let me show you." "Oh!" "I must really trust you." "I just turned my back on a Chicago cop." "I'm not gonna shoot you." "I got my body cam on." "I call this Arthur in the Sky with Donuts." "My new employee's got talent, don't you think?" "Mm-hmm." " You like this, Arthur?" " Yeah." "You ought to think about going to art school." "Wait a minute, why am I so dark?" "That's because I repurposed one of my old paintings." "Uh, yesterday, those donuts were basketballs, and you were Michael Jordan." "Oh." "This place is so retro." " Those Yelp reviews were right." " Yeah." "Oh, looks like our marketing campaign is paying off." " Good job, kid." " Mm." "Welcome to Superior Donuts." "May we interest you in one of our artisanal confections, handcrafted by our in-house donut-eer?" "Eh, I'm trying to stay away from dairy." "Then let me move this creamer." "Do you have anything soy-based?" "No, everything here is food-based." "Can I interest you in my, uh, famous maple crèmes?" "No, thanks." "I'll have a grande mocha macchiato." "We only sell coffee." "Isn't that coffee?" ""No, that's Italian for Overcharge me, I'm a pretentious millennial."" "Let's get out of here." "All right, learning curve." "Um, all we got to do is adapt to our new customer base." "You know, let me, you know, whip up some new flavors, like Sriracha or Nutter Butter." "That is my department." "I do the donuts." "Uh, gig coming in." "Well, guess who's going to be the assailant at a women's self-defense class." "I hope they give me a cup this time." "Look at all those people, hmm?" "Not one of 'em wants a freaking donut." "Screw you, Starbucks!" "And quit giving me that smug look!" "Stupid mermaid." " All right, so it's a rough day." " Yeah." "But don't worry." "Your regulars are gonna stand by you." "Hello, my fellow Americans!" " Did you go to Starbucks?" " Not cool, Fawz." "What?" "I have a weak spot for the caramel Frappuccino." "Growing up in the marshes of Iraq, all we had to drink was..." "Actually, we had these." "Starbucks is everywhere." "That's something we could try, you know, get an espresso machine and make those fancy drinks." " You mean spend more money?" "No." " Arthur, today, you not have so many customers." "Tomorrow will be worse." "Sell to me." "Sell to me right now!" "I apologize." "This is my fourth coffee drink of the day." "I'm very just..." "Whew." "All right, Fawz, how much money we talking about?" " No, Arthur, you can't sell the shop!" " Hey, stop telling me what to do." "I gave you a chance." "Your ideas didn't work." "Not the painting, not the flyers, not the chalkboard." "Which has already been stolen." " That's it." "I'm calling it." " No, you said we could stay open late!" "We still have the poetry reading." "Roses are red, no, we don't." "You're making it really hard for me to help you here." "Well, I don't need your help!" "I got the best damn donuts in Chicago." "I agree." "So where are the customers?" "Huh?" "You don't think you scared 'em off 'cause you're too cranky and stubborn and stuck in the past?" "Who are you to come in here and talk to me like that, huh?" "You come in here and tell me how to run my business?" "You can't even keep a job." "And you're barely holding on to this one." "Okay, guys, let's just take it down a notch." "Well, maybe I don't want to work here." "If you're just gonna roll over and let your business die." "That's weak." "You calling me weak?" "Yeah." "You're afraid to fight for something you poured your whole life into." "At least go down swinging." "You try or you die." "Well, try this." "You're fired." "Oh." "What's up, Franco?" " Move, man." " Hey." "Where's he going?" "It's time for me to get my poetry on!" "You're the poet?" "Yep." "Aw, damn." ""Should've said, You know it."" "Ugh!" "I hate this neighborhood!" "It actually makes me miss Iraq." "Except for the mustard gas." "And the torture." "And the traffic on Ramadan." "It's just..." "What's going on, Fawz?" "Follow me." "Last night, someone did the graffiti on the Starbucks sign." " I don't see it." " Look closer." "That thing the mermaid is holding?" "Not a coffee cup." "Oh." "Yeah." "And it no longer says Starbucks," it says Star..."" "Now I see it." "Yeah." "How am I going to get rich when people stand in the way of progress?" "Well, I've called the police." "They said whoever did this is going to jail." "Actually, I think I know who did it." "The black guy?" "Fawz, you can't keep saying that!" "It would be like you calling me the Jew." "Oh, my God, you call me that, don't you?" "I'm not so good with names!" "Hey, Arthur." "Any chance you remember" " the color of Franco's backpack?" " No, how would I..." "Brown." "Actually, more of a chestnut." "I remember, because it's the same shade as his soulful eyes." "Oh, right, I'm the only one who got lost in those things." "Nope." "Me, too." "Why are you asking me about Franco's backpack?" "James is over talking to the Starbucks manager." "He got a glimpse of the person who spray-painted his sign, and he was wearing a brown backpack." " Oh, no." " Yeah." "It gets worse." "Apparently, Franco's got priors." "Nothing serious." "All graffiti-related." "But he could be looking at doing jail time." "Why you telling me?" "Kid doesn't work here anymore." "Well, he might need a character witness." "I thought you could vouch for him." " Why would I do that?" " For one thing, he risked going to jail to get back at your competition." "You know why you're mad, don't you?" "The kid got your hopes up." "Yeah, and for what?" "It didn't work out, did it?" "There goes 200 bucks." "And 47 years." "Oh, Arthur, I wish my dad was still here." "He'd put his arm around you, look into your eyes," ""and say, Get your head out of your ass!"" " What are you talking about?" " Franco was good for you." "You've been just going through the motions since Joanie died." "Yesterday, you had a gleam in your eye." "It was like you finally woke up again." "What the hell?" "When did that start working?" "Franco fixed it." "Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?" " Yeah, it does." " See?" "The kid's good for you, Arthur." "Not a very good repairman, but he's good for you." "Y'all can relax." "I know I'm fired." "I just came to get my paycheck." "Franco, you mind telling us where you were last night around 12:30?" "I don't know." "Probably at home." " Franco." " What?" "This is Mr. Patterson from the Starbucks." "That's it." "That's the brown backpack." "Please, you call that brown?" "It looks orange to me." "But then again, those self-defense ladies used real pepper spray." "I'm sorry, Franco, we're gonna have to take you in" " for questioning." " Okay." "Can I call my mom?" "Can I call my mom?" "Uh, wait." "This is my backpack." "You're telling me that's yours?" "Yes, absolutely." "You see, it's got my, um... afro pick." "And, um, and it's got my..." " oregano." " Mm-hmm." "And my spray paint." "Which I used to, uh, deface your store." "Okay." "This is a load of crap." "You're right." "It is a load of crap." "That I would commit such a, uh, senseless act of vandalism." "But if you would, uh, drop the charges," "I have $2,500 here in my, um, emergency fund." "Be glad to give it to you to cover the damages." "Are you buying any of this?" "Well, the man said he did it." "You want the money or not?" "Fine." "And once again, the white man gets off!" "Hey." "I appreciate that, man." "And I'm sorry I got you involved." "You shouldn't have wrecked that sign." "I know, but I was pissed." "I didn't want them putting you out of business." "You gave me a job." "And you listened to my ideas." "And you said I should go to art school." "First time I mentioned art school to my dad, he laughed in my face." "What?" "The man who brought you donuts?" "It was kind of a one-time thing." "Most of the time he was just tearing me down, telling me I was nothing." "I remember senior year of high school when I finally stood up to him." "I got back home from school and all my stuff was on the street." "I caught a dude trying to steal my sweatpants." "That's how I met Sweatpants." "Well, I'm glad you're pursuing your art, but no more vandalism." "I can't keep bailing out my employees." "You hiring me back?" "Yeah." "How's that for ass-dope?" "It's dope-ass." " Thank you, man, I appreciate that." " Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill me to try some new things around here." "You try or you die, right?" "Donut man." "I'm really feeling the urge to hug you right now." "Resist it." "All right." " Yeah." " Okay." " Well, I'm gonna pay you back." " Damn right." "I'm gonna deduct ten percent out of your salary till we're even." "Sounds fair." "Can I at least get my oregano back?" "I'm taking ten percent of that, too." "Well, you're gonna need these donuts then, ain't you?"