"What happened to our usual plumber?" "LiIIian kneecapped him after a botched boiler job." "This Botox party's gonna be a bloody nightmare." " What's that disgusting smell?" " Don't ask." "I'm giving our semi-naked daughter a lift to the gym." " Work do's off so back at 6:30 as per..." " usual." "Bye, Auntie H. Be back this evening, Mummy." " Bye, darling." " Don't do anything I wouldn't do in that skirt." "How are our two oestrogen guinea pigs?" "The whole thing's unravelling a little." "Joyce has begun to think she's Keith from Prodigy." "Fuck!" " What about LiIIian?" " LiIIian is turning into Judy garland." "And to top it all, I've got until 5:30 tonight to decide whether to plunge 300 grand into a shipment of weapons-grade oestrogen." " There's no one there." " Hello?" "At last." "Is that Derren O'Grady from international plumbing?" " What seems to be the trouble, love?" " My name is camilla Diamond." "My house is smelling like Fred West's patio." "Ah, blocked drain." "Big job." "I'm on an emergency callout at the moment." "That's gonna take me through to about... ..twelve." "I suppose I can be with you by one-ish." "You've got half an hour and do not be late." "Hey,AfricaBoy." "Trackmedownon the plains of Little Stempington Common." "10:30 sharp." "Jewel." "Have you done something to your hair, poppet?" "Why?" "What's wrong with it?" "Nothing." "It just looks a bit more fIyaway than usual." "Makes you look more casual and relaxed." "Reminds me of how you used to wear it." "I've run out of conditioner." "Fine." "Sorry I asked." "Toast's ready." "camilla's place must smell like a Korean army Iatrine by now." " The Iipo lunch mob will love that." " GhastIy Botox bash." "hello, Joyce." "Oh, I Iove your jacket." "Cunt..." "Country CasuaIs." "clear off." "tell your vile hoodie mates that's what you get if you wear gang clothing." "This is little Stempington, not some basketball court in LA." "And if we catch you again we'II cut your bloody penises off!" "Come here, love." "tell us what the matter is." "I don't know." "These wretched patches." "One minute I feel up, the next I feel down, then I feel angry..." "You poor thing." "You don't understand." "Part of me actually likes it." "Maybe you should pop something else." "Take the edge off it." " They've told me to get blood tested." " awful woman!" " How are things at home?" " Jeremy thinks I'm menopausal and bill..." "bill spends all his time mooning over camilla's troIIop offspring." "I wouldn't worry about her." "She's probably onto the next baby-faced lad by now." "Come on." "KiIimanjaro." "It's a mix of trans-sky mountain cabbage and Durban poison." "Supposed to be the best stuff in the world." "totally medicinal." "You'II be feeling very relaxed." "A couple of valium will calm you down." "Pam, what have you got?" "Prozac, evening primrose oil, Rescue Remedy." " Margaret?" " St John's wort," "BenyIine Extra... and...two menthoI lozenges." "Joyce!" "Ladies, welcome to the Diamond club quarterly Botox Rox get-together." "apologies for the ghastly smell." "help is on its way." "feel free to partake of any of the treatments on offer, as well as the comprehensive range of New world wines and canapés." "Now for the moment you've all been waiting for..." "The man himself, Dr Nicky Forbes." "hello, ladies." " Are you ready for us, Nicky?" " Ready, willing and itching to kill wrinkles." "I Iike your dress, lillian." " really nice." " Ditto the trouser suit." "really accentuates your curves." "Thanks." "You look smashing." "absolutely smashing." "How are you getting on with the patches?" "It's been a little difficult, actually." "What is this?" "Wife Swap?" "I'm really very worried about Joyce." "She used the f-word twice today." "You've had HRT." "You're one of the mildest women I know, Babs." "Thanks, Pam." "But this stuff is a different kind of beast altogether." "camilla's really crossed the line this time." "unless she backs down we're heading for a gang war she'II never forget." "sliding it in now." "There we go." "Just a little bit more." "A little bit more." "A little bit more." "actually, maybe you two better wait in the garden instead." "Send in the next lucky lady requiring Forbes' finish." "Now, Iet's see how my two favourite puppies are doing." "Do you know what I did this morning?" "I put on some black russell  BromIey high heels, drove into the woods and emptied an assault rifle into a cake tin full of BakeweII Tarts." " Wow." " Then I moisturised my trigger finger." "It felt so good." " I can imagine." " Can you?" "I attacked Jeremy with a butter knife at breakfast time." " Joyce." "I'm proud of you." " Bastard was asking for it." " Did he beat you up?" " No." "He said my hair looked frizzy." " It's not frizzy." "It's..." "lovely." " Thanks." "For God's sake, Penny, there's no need to leave." "The plumber's on his way." "Ladies." "Doctor will see you now." "Joyce, you're up first." "So how is our guinea pig in a trouser suit feeling today?" "A bit peculiar." "Let's peel that top off and see if we can find out why." "Very good." "Pump for me, Joyce, would you?" "beautiful." "Oh, your woman's blood is so sexy." "Does this mean I can stop using the patches now?" "I'd be careful about coming off the juice too quickly if I were you, Joyce." "Now I just need you to help me with a little questionnaire." " What for?" " Nothing to worry about." "Just a couple of questions to help us assess whether you're going insane or not." "Debbie's left as well." "Anyway, she should give up on the Botox and use a brown paper bag instead." "Think I should do some of my party tricks to keep them entertained?" "I thought you only wore a dress at gunpoint." "Just wanted to look nice." "I cannot believe that our entire future depends on the chemical composition of Joyce's blood." " Is Joyce gonna be OK?" " I'II wring her neck if she isn't." "No one touches Joyce but me." " Dry mouth?" " Yes." "Are you feeling more tension than normal?" " Yes, I am, actually." " Mm." "Give me three things to describe the way you feel when you apply a patch." " Confident." " Good." "Angry." "More...sexually aware?" "It's perfectly natural to feel that, Joyce." "OK, Joyce, just one more question." "How would you feel about wearing disposal operating theatre panties during sex?" "That's how I'd feel about it, you fucking pervert!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry!" "Do they really stick needles in their foreheads?" "Yeah." "full of chemicals." "But wrinkles are good!" "They're lines of human wisdom, painted with the brush of time." "That's really beautiful." "They're messing with nature, jewel." "We can't let them do this." "Mother Nature's always right." "That's why it's...nature." "We've got to stop the needles." "Come on." "How long before we get the test results back from the chemical sisters?" "I really need some good news today." "Lorna Baxter's just been sick in the sauna." "If that plumber doesn't get here soon the smell of last night's venison en croûte is going to fuck up my Botox business." "I'm afraid Nicky's just been struck off." "Which is just as well, because you and I need to have a rather serious chat." "105!" "106!" "107!" "108!" "109!" "110!" "Oh, dear." "Does this mean we've fallen out?" "How dare you get Joyce to try out your smutty sex drugs?" "I thought it might be right up your street, knowing how HRT got your sex life back on track." "Don't use my early menopause to justify your grubby deeds." "As usual, Barbara, you've put two and two together and come up with a crock of shit." "Keep pushing your luck." "God, I've dreamt about doing this so many times." "Keep dreaming, frump." "If you'd wanted an invite, you only had to ask." "I'd have got in a vet." "I rather think I should go home now, have a bit of a Iie-down." "This is all just a bit fast for me." "I'II fix you up a special Turkish espresso." "Soon have you back on your feet." "Gosh, I haven't seen broken veins this bad for a Iong time." "You think we should do something about them?" "Have you got an orbital sander in the shed?" "Can't we just drop her in a gravel pit and be done with her once and for all?" "Goodness me, no, hilly, love." "A course of complimentary treatment would be much more appropriate." "How about we give her a little Stempington smile?" " She isn't breathing!" " Out of the way!" "Joyce!" " Come on, Joyce." " What's going on?" "bill!" "I washed your trousers and put them in the airing cupboard." "Thank God for that." "This is a disaster!" "What the hell's in that stuff?" "It doesn't seem to have effected LiIIian." "We can't stall the French another day or they'II just sell the stuff to some Dutch piII-deaIing fucker instead." "bill, what are you doing here?" "Are you OK?" "You look pale." "Fine, Mum." "Yep." "Just normal." "Very normal." "You look..." "Your eyes are all funny." " I'm..." "I'm..." " She's fine." "She doesn't look it." "I need a bathroom." "I thought you said we'd have the results by now." "unfortunately I didn't factor in getting clubbed like a baby seal." "It's gone five already." "Have a little toot on uncle Nicky's Rescue Remedy and come back later." "Thank you but I prefer my colombian fully roasted." "I need to change." "Ooh!" "I certainly didn't expect to find an African explorer in my bathroom." " Sorry." " Don't be sorry." "I just popped up to change." " I should go." " By the way, bill." "I hope you're taking care of my daughter." "She really is very shy." " What's going on?" " I think you should take bill home now." " will you be all right to drive?" " perfectly fine now, thank you." "I expect I'II see you soon." "I suppose tripIe-strength oestrogen isn't for everyone." "Drink some sweet tea when you get home and go straight to bed, OK?" "It's better a second time round." "I don't want you to see that family ever again." "Why not?" "You're friends with her mother." "It's different." "We're in the same health club." "Oh, this stuff is gonna be dynamite, MiIIie." "Oestrogen levels 50 times the norm." "Yes, but I can't sell the bloody stuff if it causes vomiting and seizures." " I wouldn't be so sure, darling." " What do you mean?" "According to this, Joyce was OD-ing on valium, with traces of St John's wort, brandy, and an antibiotic normally used to treat hard pad in dogs." " Is that why she collapsed?" " well, I should coco, darling." " So the HRT's OK?" " We need to knock the dose down but apart from that, real deal." "Oh!" "Just enough time to confirm the order with our dirty French friends." "You certainly cut things a bit fine, Nicky." "But I forgive you." "Argh!" "And I forgive you too, Barbara darling." "You must be dying to get home and show Ray the new you." "Do me a favour and get the door on the way out, would you, sweetie?" "What's the matter?" "Never seen a plumber before?" "Drains blocked round the side." "It's a real pig of a job." "Don't worry, ladies." "I got enough pipe for all of you." "Eh?" "Soon have you unbIocked, screaming for more." "I see you've got a boiler needs servicing an' all." "Do you know what?" "Your mouth is one of your best assets and you're really not making the most of it." "Bad smell, eh?" "hello, darling." " I see you found a new plumber." " eventually." " Nice chap." " He was well worth waiting for." "If only everyone was as thoughtful as you, working with Stempington's special needs community."