"♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪" "Aah!" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I'm gonna eat some bread ♪" "♪ Gonna eat my potato bread ♪" "♪ Gonna eat some p-o-t-a-t-o-to-to bread ♪" "♪ Potato bread!" "♪" "You worthless piece of." "Excuse me?" "Excuse you?" "For eating the rest of my potato bread?" "I made that myself and you know I didn't." "Roger, I..." "Wai-wai-wai-wai-wai- wai-wai-wai-wai-wait-wait." "Wait." "Wait." "No." "How dare you?" "!" "I've been working my tail off trying to get my lounge bar up and running, and you just sit there all day breathing through your mannish mouth, itching your lumpy butt with your gorilla arms!" "What?" "!" "I said I hate you!" "In Hayley's defense, she's been a bit extra mopey lately because of Jeff." "He got a job on The Deadliest Catch, and she worries for him." "Oh, please." "The Deadliest Catch?" "They're just fishing for crab." "You want to talk about deadly catches, let's talk about catching AIDS." "Or a baseball thrown by superstar pitcher Randy Johnson." "What about an AIDS ball thrown by Randy Johnson?" "Oh, I like that." "Hello, Mark Burnett?" "This is Roger Smith." "What about a show with Randy Johnson throwing AIDS-covered baseballs at people?" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh!" "Okay!" "It was the wrong Mark Burnett." "Here's my next car, Francine." "The new Hummie C.O.K. Guzzler." "It runs on carbon, oxygen and potassium." "Oh, yeah... the chemical symbol for potassium is K." "Boy, my chemistry is a little rusty, but wouldn't it run cleaner if they added another carbon molecule before the potassium?" "Then it would guzzle C.O.C.K." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, wow, look at this sticker price." "Can we even afford this car, Stan?" "Of course we can." "The trade-in value of my SUV will cover a ton of the cost." "Watch this." "Felix." "Felix, I would like to get 15 grand for the SUV you sold me a while back and put it towards a C.O.K. Guzzler." "Stan, I'd love to get you started guzzling C.O.K., but I'm afraid the Blue Book for your vehicle is barely $10,000." "I couldn't do any more than that." "I'll grant you, sometimes my face smells bad, but that doesn't mean my head's firmly planted in my ass, Felix." "I can't go over $10,000." "I know this car can get fifteen, and I'm not settling for a penny less." "I'll just sell it myself." "Oh, no, Stan, really?" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." "Wh-What is, what is that smell?" "I think it's your face." "This place is just what Langley Falls needs." "A chic lounge environment for young professionals." "If they need it so much, how come there's nobody here?" "I'm gonna eat you one day." "My bar is dead." "It doesn't make sense." "I co-wrote City Slickers with Babaloo Mandel but I can't do this?" "We need a, we need a draw." "We need a hook." "♪ There's a saying old ♪" "♪ Says that love is blind ♪" "♪ Still we're often told, ♪" "♪ "Seek and ye shall find..." ♪" "My dear Lord." "♪ So I'm going to seek ♪" "♪ A certain lad I had ♪" "♪ In mind ♪" "♪ Looking everywhere ♪" "♪ Haven't found him yet ♪" "♪ He's the big affair ♪" "♪ I cannot forget ♪" "♪ Only man I ever think of ♪" "♪ With regret... ♪" "Roger!" "Oh, relax." "It's nothing I haven't seen before." "You perv, get out of here!" "I'll leave, after I tell you this:" "You just got a job singing in my lounge." "Really?" "Shut up." "I want you there tomorrow night wearing something amazing." "Oh, and don't worry about the camera." "It's made of chocolate." "Ow!" "Oh, that's right, it's the toilet camera that's chocolate." "Oh, boy, that's on film." "Francine, I just posted an ad for my SUV on Craigslist." "Ooh, any responses yet?" "Let's see here." "Oh, looks like I've got three." "And they're all for anonymous sex." "Maybe it's because I wrote, "Smooth ride, oversized trunk, lubed and ready to go."" "Shouldn't have had that wine before I wrote this." "Good, you're here and you don't look terrible." "Miracle." "I'm actually looking forward to this." "This is just the distraction I need while Jeff is at sea." "And what's my distraction from your boring stories?" "Hit it, Stelio, you Greek genius!" "♪ Another bride ♪" "♪ Another June ♪" "♪ Another sunny honeymoon ♪" "♪ Another season ♪" "♪ Another reason ♪" "♪ For making whoopee ♪" "♪ A lot of shoes ♪" "♪ A lot of rice ♪" "♪ The groom is nervous ♪" "♪ He answers twice ♪" "♪ It's really killin' ♪" "♪ That he's so willing' ♪" "♪ To make whoopee ♪" "♪ Picture a little love nest ♪" "♪ Down where the roses cling... ♪" "Not bad last night." "Here's your cut." "Maybe you should buy a new bra with it." "When you shimmy, your boobs are kind of all over the place." "You're looking at my boobs?" "What?" "No." "If anything, I was looking at you teats because I think of you as my cash cow." "I just want to milk ya!" "Milky, milky, milky!" "Roger, quit!" "Okay, sensitive." "Boy, you smell bad today." "Did you just fart?" "You know I didn't fart, Roger." "It smells like you did." "Smells like girl fart in here." "Pumpkin bread." "Right." "Anyway, thanks for the money." "Nah, nah, nah money." "So stupid." "Uh, what was that?" "What?" "I'm always mean to Haley." "Yeah, but usually you're genuinely mean." "This time you were playfully mean, like you're teasing her." "So what?" "So what?" "So everything!" "When a boy teases a girl, it's a sign he has a crush on her." "The same way that hot dogs for dinner is a sign that Mom's overwhelmed by her period." "Are you kidding me?" "!" "You think I have a crush on Haley?" "!" "Now I do!" "No way!" "She's a piece of crap, Steve." "I swear!" "Yeah, she is kind of a piece of crap." "Don't you talk about her that way." "Trapped ya!" "Oh, boy." "I can't believe I'm in love with Haley." "I don't want to be in love with her, she's your sister, she's married, she's..." "Haley." "Relax." "First of all, you're not in love, you just have a crush." "Happens to me all the time." "The good news is, it'll pass." "In the mean time, you just need a distraction." "Like-like a hobby." "Maybe turn to exercise." "Focus on building core strength." "Those look angry." "Okay, just a crush;" "I'll get over this." "What's a good hobby?" "Got a bunch of string that's not doing anything." "Ah!" "Hey, you." "Uh, hey, you." ""Hey, me!" You flipped it on me." "Look, I just wanted to say thanks for letting me sing at your bar." "I mean, I'm no Christina Aguilera, but, you know, when I'm up there," "I really feel like a star." "Ha!" "What're, what are you doing?" "I-I don't know what you're doing." "I don't-- You're so weird, God!" "This isn't passing;" "it's getting worse." "Time for a trip to the dentist." "Crap!" "I must've grabbed the helium tank!" "Hi, I'm here about the SUV." "Of course you are." "What's you name, pilgrim?" "Darrin." "Darrin!" "You married, Darrin?" "Divorced." "Bitches, right?" "As you can see, Darrin, she's fully loaded." "She's got a turn-key ignition system." "Just put the key in the key hole, turn it a bit to the right, and she'll start right up in, like, a second." "What do you say?" "How's 15K sound?" "15K, ooh..." "How about 10K?" "The divorce was kind of hard on me, you know what I mean?" "We're not friends here, Darrin." "Bitches, remember?" "You're a bitch, Darrin." "Get off my property." "What are you?" "!" "Jeff, get over here and help me pull in these traps!" "You said it wasn't gonna to rain today!" "I can't watch anymore of this." "Aah, it makes me too nervous." "Sorry." "Oh, sorry." "Okay." "Whoops." "Oh, no, we did it again!" "I'm gonna go this way." "No..." "That one was my fault." "Y-You just stand still." "N-No..." "Okay, this is a mess." "Okay, all right, let's both go left." "No..." "It's still happening!" "That's your right!" "This is ridiculous." "Oh, my God!" "Roger, get out of the way!" "Oh, I splooged a little." "God, I'm shaking." "What's wrong with you, man?" "I think I love Hayley." "Dude, seriously?" "With Francine "Cans McGee" struttin' around this place?" "Every time I see her, I turn into a complete idiot." "These feelings are too intense; this has to stop!" "Easy, King Cobra." "Look, why don't you just remove yourself from her presence?" "How am I supposed to do that?" "She sings in my club every night!" "Hmm..." "I got it." "I'll fire her for you." "I'll do it like an American businessman." ""I'm sorry, ma'am." ""The economy has taken a turn," ""and we've been forced to downsize." "I'm gonna need your key card."" "Don't do characters." "I do characters." "Don't do characters." "Hup!" "Hup!" "Whoop!" "Hup!" "Whoop!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "What the hell, Klaus?" "Who are they?" "They are the Red-Man Group." "They're your replacement." "Roger says you're no longer welcome here." "What?" "What do you mean?" "Roger!" "Roger, I need to talk to you." "Hit the bricks, toots." "You got your walking papers." "What did I do?" "I said beat it!" "You owe me an explanation." "I said beat it!" "You're such a jerk, Roger." "Ugh!" "So, how much is this tape recorder?" "$17.99." "That's great." "I'm definitely gonna buy one." "Could you check in the back and see if you have it in red?" "Sir, you can't put that in your pocket." "Hee'yah!" "Oh!" "You broke my nose!" "Security!" "Oh, God, where did I park the car?" "See, what did I tell you about the leg room in the back seat?" "Very roomy." "And it's an extremely safe first car for your daughter." "You're a good dad." "Your dad's a good dad." "Hey, check it out." "This thing can stop on a dime." "Think fast!" "Oh..." "That's it." "Looks like a good one." "You're doing just fine." "Uh, what is this?" "It's Hayley on the toilet cam." "She's having a private moment, and I'm sharing it with her." "Okay, this is getting out of hand." "Avoiding Hayley clearly isn't working." "You should just talk to her." "Get all this out in the open." "I can't do that!" "Being emotionally honest makes me vomit!" "Sure you can." "Just take it slow." "Here, here, try it on me, pretend I'm Hayley." "Okay." "Hayley, I'm in love with..." "I'm in love with you, and I can't stop thinking about..." "No food in my belly." "Let me try again." "Hayley, you're such an angel..." "Oh, that's great, Steve." "You owe me an underwear." "Look, you can't keep avoiding her." "You live in the same house." "You're her notary public for God's sake." "I'm not licensed." "She knows that." "Look, just talk to her." "Trust me, you guys will have a big laugh about it, and all the awkwardness will go away." "What if I can't do it?" "What if I freak out?" "You'll be fine." "I promise." "Okay, Steve." "I'm gonna trust you." "And I'm serious about the underwear." "I want an exact replacement." "Underoos, extra-large." "Skid-marked to hell." "Hello?" "Was that a knock?" "It's me, Roger." "Hayley, I've got something I need to tell you." "What is it, Roger, you gonna fire me again?" "No, unh, unh, I'm not, unh, you don't understand, unh." "Roger, what is going on with you?" "Well, uh, it's just..." "Hayley, I'm in love with you!" "What?" "O..." "Oh, oh." "That's why you've been acting so weird." "Oh, Roger." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "So..." "So?" "Oh, oh..." "Oh, no, Roger, we're friends." "I mean, I'm flattered, but you know I'm married." "Yes, yes, yeah." "I did." "I did know that." "I'm sorry." "Oh, hey, never apologize for how you feel." "That's all we got, right?" "All right, well, fantastic, then." "Roger, what are you-- no!" "Steve, I freaked out!" "Urgent medical jargon, stat!" "Roger, what the hell were you thinking?" "!" "I don't know!" "I was overwhelmed with emotion!" "So you shot me?" "!" "I'm sorry!" "Something snapped in me." "I opened up my soul to you, and when you rejected me," "I-I guess I couldn't handle it." "I could totally see her bra through the gunshot hole." "Hey, sleepyhead." "Why would they let you in here?" "I gave birth to my daughters here." "Oh, I got you this." "I feel really bad about what I did." "I haven't slept in seven hours, not counting naps." "Anyway, I hope this gift can at least begin to make up for what I've done." "I don't want your stupid gift." "I'll open it for you." "It's Christina Aguilera's larynx!" "Ugh!" "Get it away from me!" "What's going on?" "Back to sleep." "Remember how you said you wished you could sing like Christina Aguilera?" "Well, now you can!" "Anyway, it's a really good gift because I love you." "This isn't love, Roger." "Yuh-huh!" "You tried to kill me." "People who are in love don't do that." "They, they want to spend time together." "They want to be as close to each other as possible." "Let's do that!" "We're gonna do your thing!" "Oh, no." "Ro-Roger, whatever you're thinking there, whatever you're doing, please just don't..." "Morning, snowflake." "What the hell are you doing, Roger?" "You're scaring me." "No-no-no, no-no-no, it's good." "It's good." "I just want to be as close to you as possible." "Like John and Yoko." "You're Yoko." "Can't get close enough." "Don't you hate that we're two separate people?" "Roger, take me home!" "Aah, just want to burrow into you like a love tick." "I want us to be one person:" "two hearts inside one skin." "That's it!" "Oh, no." "Roger, whatever you're thinking..." "I'm gonna cut off your skin and drape it all over my body!" "Help...!" "Ooh, I'm gonna go get my tools!" "Right after I do a flip." "No, I'm not gonna do it." "I'm actually gonna get off the bed really carefully." "Oh, my God, I did the flip!" "You didn't see me, but I did it!" "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the greatest showroom on Earth!" "We got thrills... we got chills and we got a like-new set of wheels!" "Stan, Hayley's been shot!" "So what?" "She shot me before." "I've shot you a couple times." "Everybody shoots everybody." "It's how we communicate in this family." "All right, I'll tell her you asked about her." "You tell her whatever you want, but that's not how it went down." "What's going on here?" "!" "Well, I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag." "He's getting too close!" "The SUV's not for you, Lion!" "This fine American automobile is gonna go to one of these lucky individuals." "Shall we start the bidding at 15,000?" "Sir!" "Excuse me!" "Hey, look!" "Whoa, started too low." "Do I hear 20?" "Hey, hey, buddy!" "We've got 20 right here." "What about 25?" "Your lion!" "I'm not lyin'!" "Do I hear 30?" "!" "Oh, my God." "Hel-l-lp!" "You're doing great!" "Do I hear 40?" "!" "Hello!" "Hey!" "40, 45, 50." "Do I hear 60?" "Hey, sir." "This just got real, didn't it, seeing all these tools?" "Hayley!" "Oh, this guy?" "Jeff, oh, thank God!" "Jeff, I'm doing something." "How did you find us?" "Well, I quit Deadliest Catch when Francine called and said you shot Hayley." "When I got home, I saw you stealing my tools, so I followed you here." "Stalker." "He's crazy, Jeff, he's trying to take my skin." "Dude, please don't skin my wife." "I love her." "But I love her, too." "No, you don't." "You're obsessed with me." "There's a difference." "What?" "Roger, love is mutual, and that's what Jeff and I have." "I'm sorry, but no matter what you do," "Jeff is the only one for me." "Oh, my God, it's finally clear now." "You don't want me, you want Jeff, and no matter how much I love you, it won't matter because I'm not him." "Right, yes, you get it." "Hayley, I'm so sorry." "I can't, I can't believe I was going to take your skin off." "This is the skin for me." "Hey, babe, let's go try that weird skiing that's like this." "Remind me to never take this hat off." "I got everything held together up there with a chip clip." "Great, you hate it." "That's all right, I'm over you anyway." "Steve was right-- it was just a crush." "Hey, Jeff, good news, you're getting your skin back." "Gross."