"The WinstanIey ale House." "From the outside it looks like just another scruffy community centre, but inside it's a temple of boozing, bonking and brawling." "Sounds marvellous." "marvellous, it most certainly isn't, Marge." "particularly as it closed down months ago for refurbishment." "And opens tonight with a 24-hour alcohol licence." "So, what are we gonna do about this aII-night pustuIe on the little Stempington rump?" "We're gonna take it out, Pam, we're gonna take it out." ""WinstanIey ale House." ""Where you and your mates can drink around the clock." ""No snoozing, just boozing." ""No chucking out, just chucking up." " "Let the bingeing begin."" " Sounds perfect." "little Stempington's lowlife will be there." " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " This may be the answer to our prayers." " Where's the money, bitch?" " (Screams)" " MoIotov cocktails?" " Correct, Margaret." "We'II petroI-bomb the premises before it opens and make absolutely sure... ..that the whole place is hooked on special H by the end of the evening, doesn't solve our 300K cash flow headache but it is a start." "That's Fiona Babington, the fifth person that LiIIian's tortured today." "Says she knows nothing about the missing money." "We'd better find the real thief soon before LiIIian kills someone." "Hi, mate." "cool." "Um..." "I'm ever so sorry to bother you, but I'm a drug dealer, mate, er...dealing hard drugs, and I've got some absolutely marvellous products, mate, really top-notch." "Mate." " What are you mumbling about?" " Oh, nothing." "We are gonna be OK, aren't we?" "To be honest, I'm not sure, Jeremy." "Poppet, what's got into you?" "I want to leave little Stempington." "But I thought you liked it here." "It's an evil, horrible place." "Look, I'II try and take the morning off." "We could talk." "I can't." "I've got to meet camilla." "What are your views on women, Haines?" "Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em, sir." "They're certainly a strange and exotic breed." "well, so are Siamese fighting fish, but you wouldn't want to marry one." "It's so hard to know what they're really thinking." "well, in my experience, sir, it's usually about bathroom cabinets." "Bathroom cabinets, eh?" "Any news on EmiIe Lesoux, our mystery drug dealer?" "No." "I think he was just over here on a weekend mini-break." "I suppose the idea of a murderous ex-con operating in little Stempington is pretty ridiculous, sir." "absolutely, Haines." "Right up there with elvis on the moon." "Excuse me, I'm really sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering if you'd Iike to buy some drugs, dude." "I've got some really super gear called special H." "It will make you feel rather happy and quite sexy." "It costs £25 a patch." " Stop right there, Joyce." " Did I say it wrong?" "Not if you're pushing free cat food." "But as you're supposed to be selling class A drugs to IowIife scum..." "Maybe it's just lacking a little something." "Do you think these will go with my black boots?" "Oh, yeah." "The ageing hooker look is very you." "Focus, please, girls." "How we act is just as important as what we wear, hilary." "Look." "If we're gonna push this stuff tonight, we need to blend in, we need to... think and talk like stupid, common pub people." "Three pints of Pernod, please, love." "Very good, Joyce, that's excellent." "Can I throw them, Pam?" "well, Iet's make three and we can throw one each." "Overarm this time, Margaret." " hold off the cocktails, girls." " Why?" "It turns out the back of the WinstanIey ale House is a listed building." "apparently, charles I slept there fleeing the Roundheads." "Bugger!" "Imagine how he'd feel if he knew there was a condom machine hanging on the wall." "If we can't fire-bomb it, how are we going to close the place down?" "plan B. We'II use cheap alcohol to fan the flames of violence, Pam." "Then introduce ourselves with extreme prejudice." "I'm a drug dealer." "dealing hard drugs." "Oh." "That's what I am." "I've got your money." "I knew you and your bitch posse wouldn't let me down, Joyce." "Yes, I'm very sorry about that." "It was all a dreadful misunderstanding with the caravan magazines." "So what I'II do is send the money by registered post right away." "The royal mail do a very reliable overseas parcel delivery service." "No need, Joyce." "I can collect my payments personally." "I'd really rather just hand over the money and be done with it." "There's more, Joyce." "We have to discuss my compensation for a bullet in ze leg." " That wasn't me." " No, but I'm holding you responsible." "silly me." "You've also incurred the EmiIe Lesoux penalty clause." " What penalty clause?" " It was in ze small print." "I read it for you." "No one ass-fucks EmiIe Lesoux for 300 grand without financial consequences." "How much do you want?" "50000 Euro." "But..." "See you soon, my little suckling piece of roast beef." "Joyce, hi." "Come in and share a cappuccino and a Shiseido mud mask." " I want out." " How many times do I have to tell you?" "You're not an Avon lady, you cannot hand in your notice." " You're not listening." " I'm listening loud and clear." "I know where the money is." "I want it here now." "No." "Not unless you give me back that detonator." "And guarantee immunity for Jeremy, bill and I to leave Stempington." "Oh, and shall I throw in a Harrods hamper as a going-away present?" "Do we have a deal?" " Of course we don't, you silly woman." " Thought you might say that." "So why did you bother schIepping over here?" "I just spoke to EmiIe." "He's coming to get his money back, but he's charging us interest too." " Does he think we're a building society?" " If we don't give it to him, he'II kill us." "The only way you can guarantee staying alive is to play it my way." "Now... do we have a deal?" "You're a clever bitch, Joyce HazIedine." "One question." "Where did you find it?" "You might want to ask that delightful daughter of yours." " Time to wake up, princess." " (SIeepiIy) Mm?" "And tell Mummy why you spent at Ieast £5,000 of her charity money" " on designer clothing!" " I can explain." "AII I want from you right now is an itemised account of how much you spent!" "To the penny!" "We arrive at the WinstanIey ale House at midnight, witness the mayhem, then when they're all throttling each other, make an outraged phone call to Inspector Jerry, and let the boys in blue pick up the pieces." "Right." "CouIdn't we fire off a few rounds before the police arrive?" "Or maybe just get a drink?" "Focus, girls." "Focus." "They're all so young!" " And so sweaty." " With lots of disposable income." "Come on, girls, get in there and let the peddling commence." " You all right?" " would you Iike to score some drugs?" " I've got special H." " What?" "special H. Makes you feel super-sexy and very happy, Iike carol smillie." " What's it cost?" " £25 a patch." " You won't regret it." " Fuck that." "special H. Stay hard, play hard." "special H. Stay hard, play hard." "special H. Stay hard, play hard." "Thank you, sir." "You know, Joyce, I feel a real bond with you now we're both being hunted by the same psychotic killer." "hopefully that's a temporary situation." "Are you sure you want to go back to the humdrum world of domestic drudgery?" "If it means a day without smuggling drugs or beating up a librarian, or being shot at, then yes, I'm absolutely sure." "Hm." "I thought you were made of sterner stuff, I must say." "I think the patches are starting to work." "Revenue and entertainment." "Oh." "How delicious." "Sounds like things are kicking off inside." "If we're gonna shut this place down, we need bare-knuckIe fighting, people being glassed, total carnage." "Want me and Marge to go in and chiwy things along?" "Good idea." "I'II phone Jerry when you get inside." "Make it count, girls." "Thanks to you, Mummy's cut my allowance to zero." "Which means I'm now stuck in this uItra-twee, chintzy nightmare of a town with you, Mr Supergrass!" "Sorry." "I didn't mean to hit you." "Twice." "That money was our escape fund." "We're supposed to run away to St Petersburg in matching designer tracksuits and yak boots." "Nobody except you knew the money was hidden under my bed." "I thought it was safe." "well, obviously no one's ever going to think of looking under a bed, are they?" "I wonder why Mum hasn't mentioned it to me." "well, maybe she's got plans of her own." "It will cost you 25 quid... and a blow job." "Oh, God. 'Ere we go." "ChuckIe Brothers have arrived." " What are you doing here, hilary?" " What are you doing, more to the point?" "If you must know, we are here to start a riot." "I'd Iike to see you try." " Have we got EmiIe's penalty too?" " There's a little bit more, actually." "The punters love the stuff." "Lots of other nights for us to look forward to, girls." "Some of us, anyway." "LiIIian, lead the way to the back exit." "Maybe I should hobbIe Pam and Margaret before we go." "I'm sure they'II make an adequate job of shooting themselves in the foot without our assistance." "This is ridiculous." "There's no sign of unacceptable behaviour whatsoever." "We're gonna have to go in hard, Marge." "Excuse me." "I just thought you might like to know" "I had anal sex with your boyfriend in the toilets earlier this evening." "Wow." "That's so cool." "Your mum's a prostitute and your dad's dale Winton." "Mm. (Laughs)" "I warned the council there would be trouble if they granted a 24-hour licence." "Such a shame it took gangs of binge-drinking hooIigans to prove me right." "well, Iet's take a look, shall we?" "Evening." "Evening." "Doesn't look much like a riot to me." "apologies, Jerry." "I was obviously misinformed." "Can't you close it down on another misdemeanour?" "Like what?" " selling oven chips?" " Oven chips aren't an offence." " As far as I'm aware." " definitely not, sir." "actually, many people see them as a time-saving bonus." "hello, Joyce." "Mm." "I never thought you'd be playing the hardball bitch with me." " I had a good teacher." " Oh, stop it." "You'II make me blush." "Do we still have a deal?" "Easy, poppet." "My, my, you really have learned a thing or two." "And you'II keep your word?" "You'II pay off EmiIe and then Jeremy, bill and I are free to leave?" "Free to go back to being plain, old Mrs HazIedine." "Just another invisible housewife drifting aimlessly along with all the other faceless frumps." "It's better than people trying to kill you." " Is it, really?" " Yes." "Joyce, admit it." "You've felt alive since you've moved here, haven't you?" "The feeling of absolute power." "The fuck-you thrill of an automatic pistol in your handbag and a thong riding up your backside." " You don't belong with them." "You belong with me." "Think about it next time you're scrubbing Jeremy's underpants." "I think you and I should have a little chat, don't you?" "Oh, that would be so lovely." "You can give me a lift home." "I got a phone call last night." "You are so important, Jerry." "Just what exactly have you got my wife involved with?" "You mean the pilates classes?" "No, I mean the cheese importer who's fallen in love with her." "I'm really not party to Joyce's unpasteurised wish list, Jerry." "Every fibre in my policeman's intuition is telling a very different story." "Ah." "Home at last." "I'II be keeping my eye on you." "I always suspected you had a little crush on me, Jerry." "Bye, poppet." "helped myself to some tea." "Hope you don't mind." "Want a chocolate brownie to go with that?" "Not if it's laced with industrialised oestrogen." "I passed a teenage girl today..." "licking the head of a pensioner." "I hope you're proud of what your new drug is doing to this town." "It's not too late to join me, Barbara." "I can cut you in 50-50." "I'd rather move to Tower hamlets." "Nice of you to donate this to one of my... favourite charities." "If you foolishly come looking for it, you'd better come heavy." "Hi, darling." "Why isn't your phone on?" "Listen." "This is really important." "Promise to do as I say, I've never asked anything like this before." "I want you to find bill and come home straightaway." "I've packed a suitcase and I want to leave as soon as..." "Bonjour, Joyce." "Won't you join me in a glass of sauvignon blanc?" "And yes, I had a very pleasant journey, thank you for asking." "Get out of my house, all of you." "What a beautiful house it is too." "I particularly like your collection of ceramic cats." " Get out!" " OK." "But not without you." "I think you'II find the crack cocaine in marseille will take the edge off your new life as a fuII-time sex slave."