"Hello?" "Sure, hold on one second." "Can I tell him who's calling?" "Okay, hang on one second, Anne." "Hey, Ben?" "Yeah, dad?" "You have a call." "Stop joking, dad." "It had to happen sooner or later." "You can't be serious." "Wait... hold on one second, Anne." "He's in the tub, hold on one second." "Ben, should I take a message, or do you want to dry off and take this?" "Well, I'm in the bath, I can't get out here." "Take a message, though, and I'll call back." "Okay." "That's the way you usually do it, right?" "I'll tell her you'll call her back." " Who is it?" " It's Anne." "Anne who?" "I didn't get that far, hold on one second." "Anne, what's your last name?" "No, he's still in the tub." "Hold on one second." "It's Anne Howard from high school." "Ben..." "Anne Howard?" "She's still in high school?" "That was six years ago." "Well, you've been in the tub for an hour and a half." "I wouldn't talk." "I guess, anything goes." "Wait, hold on one second." "Let me..." "Anne, can..." "Let me write down your number." "What is this in reference to, dad?" "Ben, I..." "Don't yell at me, dad." "Just 'cause I'm a mile away." "Let me just get her number, and you can call her back, if you feel like it." "Anne, what's your number?" "So this is Anne Howard." "I guess, she knows you from high school." "She's calling about..." "She's on the committee that's organizing this reunion, your fifth high-school reunion." "And she wanted to invite you, personally." "Well, that's very nice, it's a shame I can't go." "Well, you have time, Ben, it's not tonight." "You know, you have time..." "First of all, don't make a snap decision like that." "Well, when is it?" "She said..." "I think it's in a couple of weeks." "She said you're gonna get an invitation in the mail." "She just wanted to personally invite you." "Did she ask who you were?" "Well, I assume..." "I mean, you answered the phone, but did she say, like, "Well, who's this?"" "No, I didn't identify myself." "So she didn't know you were my dad." "I didn't identify myself." "Well, that's good." "I said, "Ben is here."" "I said, "He's in the bath."" "You said I was in the bath?" "You're kidding." "Well, there's nothing wrong with..." "Dad, who takes baths anymore?" "Oh, that's embarrassing." "Why did you say that?" "You could have said I was in the shower," "I was shaving, I was working out." "I don't know..." "I wasn't thinking." "I panicked." "I was building something." "It seemed like an innocent thing to say, you know?" "Did she sound like she lived at home?" "Like, did you hear her mom in the background?" "I'm trying to remember what I heard in the background." "I think it was the soundtrack to Exodus, if that helps." "You know, the major problem, dad, about you telling Anne I was in the bath?" "I get the feeling she was picturing me naked, and that's gonna hurt when I see her." "I didn't say anything about being naked." "Because I wasn't." "I was wearing my suit." "You should rent a limo." "And pick up some of your friends." "A lot of these kids do that, you know, take a limo to this..." "Not to the reunion, though." "That was for the prom." "Oh, that's right." "You can rent a limo, though, with the vomit in it already." "For a extra couple hundred bucks." "Hey... hey, Laura, how you doing?" "Good." "I forgot my shoes today..." "And my feet are wet." "Do you have any dry stockings and shoes?" "Uh..." "I was in a hurry to go, and I got dressed up." "And I wanted to look good..." "You know, for therapy and the whole thing..." "And make sure I had the money, of course." "It's always about the money, apparently, with you guys, and I forgot my shoes." "Wait a second..." "You lost me." "Look, Laura... you're not the therapist too, okay?" "I answer enough questions in there." " Anyway, doc..." " Yeah?" "I feel a little weird today." "I punched my cat, all right?" "Now, you know, I'm not an animal abuser." "I love my cat." "I gave him two vicious left hooks in the neck." "Then I kind of skated back." "And gave him a straight jab to the puss." "It was like, "Meow, meow, meow!"" "You know, you'd be surprised." "How much give their little kitty necks have." "Why did you do that?" "He had some of my chicken." "He ate some of my chicken." "I know I shouldn't have." "First, I just pushed him, you know?" "And you know cats, you can't hurt a cat." "You can pick up a cat and throw him, and he won't even give you the satisfaction of looking back." ""Hey, I was going this way anyway, my main man."" "You know what I mean, doc?" "So then I was on the phone, and I see the cat." "He gets in my gym bag, right?" "And he starts peeing and squirting all over the gym bag, not a big deal, we've all done that." "Sometimes you just don't feel like walking upstairs, right?" "But the protocol is, if you're gonna do it in somebody else's bag, you look away, use a little discretion." "You don't look right defiantly at them." ""Hey, here's your bag, right here." "I'll give you your bag!"" "Right, I mean..." "Tom?" "Tom, please!" "Mind if I have another beer?" "Hey, doc..." "I'm drinking ice beer now." " You know why?" " Why is that?" "Better buzz." "Rowr!" "Better buzz." "Arf, arf, arf!" "Come on, have one beer with me." "You want a Lite Ice." "Or a lite extra-dry Draft Ice, rappa papa?" "Come on..." "Have one for Dommy." "Why do you wanna change the mood of this room from work to play?" "Uh... that's a good question." "I'll give you..." "Pick a finger." "Okay, pull it, pull it." "All right, guess what's up for you, docarooni?" "Mmm, caramba!" "Remember when I went to my..." "Oh, you went to your 25th reunion, recently." "Yeah." "How did that go?" "It was great." "I really had a great time, you know?" "Yeah, but, see, it's easy for you." "Because you're established." "I mean, you're a doctor." "I know, but, Ben, people respect people." "They don't respect titles." " Do you know what I'm saying?" " No." "Let me try again..." "People respect people." "Right." "People respect me because I'm Jonathan Katz, not because I'm Dr. Katz." "Well, how come you insist." "On being called "Dr." all the time?" "Respect, it's a sign of respect." "You know..." "But that's not the kind of respect I'm looking for." "Not that night, anyway, 'cause it was late and I'd had a couple too many." "You don't wanna be a doctor in that situation." "No... no." "Oh, dear." "What is it?" "I got invited to my high-school reunion." "Really?" "They invited you?" "Yeah." "Do you think they had a hard time tracking you down?" "Not really." "That's kind of the embarrassing part." " Did you go to yours?" " No." " Did you go to high school?" " Yes." " Oh, you did?" " Yeah." "What, did you do that equivalency thing?" "No." "I mean, you actually got your diploma and..." "Yeah." "Same here." " Were you in a gang?" " No." "Because those were big at my school." "We had gangs." "Were you in a gang?" "Yeah, yes, I was." "What was it called?" "We were called "the Jews", and we weren't very popular, because, I'll tell you..." "That on the back of a coat doesn't look good." "Oh man, that's funny." "I was kidding, though, about the gang." "Being called "the Jews"." " I was never in a gang." " Oh, really?" "I was in the map club, though, which was kind of a gang, you know?" "But it was a gang that just loved maps." "So tell me why you stopped seeing your last therapist." "Well, because I wasn't very honest with him, and I sort of painted this picture of a person." "That I thought he would want to be talking to." "Right." "Therapy's supposed to be." "Where you can just be honest and yourself, right?" "And just say everything that you can't say." "In the outside world." "That's the idea, yeah." "And there I was, saying all these lies." "What kind of lies?" "I told him that I had blue eyes." "Right." "I don't." "I told him that I was one of the Kennedys." "I see." "That's not true." "I told him that I was a vegetarian." "So at least with me, this is a fresh start, and I hope you feel like you don't have to impress me." "Oh, no, no." "And it's in your best interest." "To be brutally honest with me." "Yeah, no, no, I know that now, yeah." "So you are half-Cherokee, then?" "Uh-huh." "Cool!" "Hey, boy..." "Ben, remember her?" "Didn't you have a thing for her?" "Or am I thinking of me?" "I'm just kidding." "I'm just kidding 'cause that's why they have laws." "Remember Doreen Camonitti..." "She used to come over on occasion, huh?" "Yeah, it used to make me uncomfortable, you being alone in the apartment with her." "We didn't do anything, you know?" "It just didn't feel right." "She was in my biology class." "Yeah, see, that's fuel to the fire." "There's nothing attractive." "About carrying around a fetal pig all the time, wherever you go." "Well, don't sell yourself short like that." "You know, different women are attracted to different things." "I wasn't talking about me." "I was talking about the actual pig." " The pig itself?" " Yeah." "That's gross." "That is." "You know, this guy, dad..." "Tom Friar..." "Was the guy who used to eat anything." "Oh, right, on a dare." "Didn't you once bet 20 bucks he couldn't eat a ping pong ball?" " That's right." " Right." "And he couldn't." "But you could, like, throw a candy bar on the ground." "In, like, in the gutter, and step on it." " Yeah." " And he'd eat it." "And he'd get sick." "It's great to have a hook like that." "You know what he's doing today?" "I'm betting it involves eating and gutters and..." "Yes, he's a doctor." "So what'll it be, Ben?" "Have you made a decision about the reunion?" "Now that I've looked at the yearbook." "And got all nostalgic, I'm gonna have to say no." "But don't you wanna see..." "You know what, dad?" "You know, these people have their own lives now." "They don't need me anymore." "They never needed you." "That's true." "They liked you, Ben." "They loved you, some of them, I'm guessing, you know?" "Um..." "Is throwing my book bag around an expression of love?" "I love my girlfriend very much, doc." "Yeah." "I took her to Disneyland, recently, because she's 14 years old..." "She loves the rides." "Everything is so new when you're that age..." "Those big, wide eyes, seeing things for the first time." "Tom, that's not true, she's not 14." " You know, doc..." " Yeah?" "I realized something about myself." "A lot of times, I thought, you know, being an Italian guy." "That I was, like, a womanizer, a philanderer, but I realized..." "You know what it is?" "You know what my problem is, doc?" "What's that?" " You wanna know?" " Yes, I would like to." " You know what my problem is, doc?" " Yeah." "You know what I have?" "What?" "What do you have?" "Too much love..." "That's what my problem is, too much caring, too much giving." "So where does the problem come in?" "I think I made wrong choices." "Well, it's all about the choices we make in life." "You know, you chose..." "You had a wonderful marriage." "What was that breath all about?" "...and then a wonderful marriage." "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" "Big Mr. Therapist?" "Huh, Mr. Know it all?" "!" "Mr. Take my money and don't make me better!" "You think that's what's going on here?" "I can't get my life together!" "You know what depression is, doc?" "I wake up for breakfast, and then I have a little bit of Cap'n crunch." "I laugh, I play in the bowl," "I look for things in the milk, and then I fall asleep." "I force myself to sleep." "That's depression, doc." "Well, that's your definition." "You know what I wanna do with my life." "When I get better?" "What's that?" "I wanna become a therapist, just like you, so I can sucker people." "Into this place and make some bread." "Look at this couch." "You think this is a racket, don't you?" "I certainly do." "I think you got a real racket going here." "So why do you come back week after week?" "Okay, here's the story:" "I was thinking about this." "Do you love me?" "I'm asking you point-blank." "I love you and I'm not ashamed to say it." "I'm not in love with you." "I love you like in the sense that, you know, if you died," "I would cry longer than I cried." "In Ordinary people." " You know what I mean?" " Mmm-hmm." "Do you love me?" "Dom, don't put me on the spot." "Okay, if you don't say anything, it means you love me..." " Okay, you do." "Now, I never had a father, really, a father-father." "Why don't you adopt me?" "If you wanna do a little role playing." "And pretend that I'm your father, if you think that would help..." "Yeah, I think it would help." "Okay, let's try that." "As long as you understand that when the session is over, things are back to where they were, which is not great." " Hi, pop." " Hi, son." "Pop, may I sit here?" "That couch is too soft." "Sure." "Oh, boy!" "Hey, dad, when I was in school today, little Jessica made me show her my pee-pee." "Oh, boy!" "You know, I think you're confusing young." "With really stupid." "Oh, okay, thanks, doc." "So, looking through the yearbook..." "Yeah?" "And all of a sudden, all this anger surfaces." "That he's been holding in, you know?" "That he claims I wasn't there for him in those years, you know, right after the divorce." "Aw!" "And where was roz during all of this?" "He, for some reason or other, will defend his mother until his..." "Until he gets hungry, essentially." "Then he goes off and eats something." "No, but he'll defend her 'til the end, when, in fact, she abandoned him." "That's the story." "And he's misplacing his anger." "He's transferring it, I guess, right?" "Isn't that the term?" ""Transference"?" "Yeah, this is actually..." "It's not the correct use of that term." "Right... was misplaced." "It is misplaced anger, but it's not transference." "Okay." "Transference is a very specific..." " What is that?" " I don't know." "I've never been able to use it correctly." "You know what, Dr. Jonathan Katz?" "You okay, Ben?" "Push it!" " Ben, are you all right?" " Come on, baby!" "Three." "Come on, make it!" "Oh, Ben..." "Come on in, dad." "Oh my god." "What are you doing here, Ben?" "I'm lifting weights." "Where'd you get that girdle, that harness?" "Oh, it's not a harness." " What is that thing?" " It's a weight belt." "Is that mom's?" "No, I'm..." "You're trying to make up." "For the last five, six years of neglect in 24 hours?" "What do you mean, neglect?" "I've taken good care of myself." "Well, you've taken good care of yourself." "In the sense that pampering yourself." "Is taking good care of yourself." "I'll tell you, there's nothing better." "Than the feeling that you have after a workout." "It's like a high." "I mean, I don't know what a high is." " It means you're in a lot of pain." " Oh." "Try and lift one of these, dad." "Jeez, you think I could?" " You know, I'll spot you." " Okay." "Go ahead." "It's not so heavy." "Oh, damn it." "Ben!" "Hey, dad, how are ya?" "You in the car?" "Yes, I am." "Why am I yelling?" " Why am I?" " I don't know." " Can I ask you a question?" " Yeah." "Where's my high school?" "'Cause I'm out of state now." "Ben, the reunion is at the Sheraton." "Oh, I ain't going to no reunion." "Oh, Ben, that's a bad idea." " It's a long way to Mexico, dad." " Yeah." "But you lent me the car, and I ain't coming back." "Yeah, that car is..." "You know, if you cross the state line in that car, you are violating some law." "What is that?" "Some kind of interstate commerce thing." "Yeah, you know, I'm not wanted in this state." "You're not wanted in any state." "That's the problem!" "Dad!" "I'm sorry, Ben." "Don't set me up like that." "Why would you say that right before" "I have to go to my reunion?" "Because you are a masochist to say a straight line like that to your father." "You know where I am right now?" "I'm guessing you're in the front seat." "I'm hoping." "Hey, dad!" "Hey, Ben, how was it?" "You know what?" "It was..." "It was great." "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that." "I was so worried." "I loved it, I'll go to another one tomorrow." "I wish I had graduated several high schools, because I'd go to all their reunions." "Well, who did you most like to see?" "You know, everybody was great." "And everybody remembered you?" "Yeah, most people remembered me." "What about Doreen Camonitti?" "She was not there." "She was not there, I didn't see her." "But, you know, I saw a lot of other old friends." "You know, we danced." "I did three fasties, two slows." "That's great, who'd you slow-dance with?" "Herman Melkin." "Did they do..." "What's the dance called that's the craze right now?" "Oh, the macarena." "Yes, did they do that?" "They did not do that, no." "That's good, I don't like that." "It makes me uncomfortable." "Right." "We did the bunny hop, though." "I'll tell you that." "That's a classic." "I squished two people." "Well, is there somebody in your life, Lisa, who is just, like, the bane of your existence?" "Yeah, there is someone I work with." "Who is almost impossible to deal with, and I have to see this person every single day." "You know, I've talked to you about him before." "He's really sensitive." "He's the most selfish creature I've ever met, and I don't even know how to deal with him anymore." "I get really angry and frustrated, 'cause I can't..." " Can you hold on?" "That's my cellular." "Yep." " Hello?" " Hi." "Oh, hi, Michael." "Can you hold on one second?" "Okay, this is him." "This is him calling right now." "This is good, just hold your ground." "Tell him that, you know, that you're not at work now." "That you don't need to talk to him now." "You'll see him at work tomorrow." "And that he shouldn't be calling you at home." " You know?" " Okay." "Michael, hi." "You know what?" "Right now, this is my own time." "And we have time at work where we can discuss this stuff." "Well, you don't have to take it personally." "I'm just..." "Can you hold on one second?" "Tell him that he is constantly playing the victim, that it's passive-aggressive." "You know what?" "You are constantly playing the victim." "This is really passive-aggressive." "What do you mean, "What does that mean?"" "Hold on." "What does that mean?" "Passive... passive-aggressive means, classically, is just, uh..." "Can you pick it up a little?" "It's complicated, let me..." "Passive-aggressive is a certain type of response." "It's a response." "In which one party..." "In which one party..." "Is, um..." "Is... you have to pick it up." " In which one party..." " In which one party..." " Is acting..." " Is acting..." "As, as..." "I'm sorry, I'm "fumfering."" "Tell him we'll call him back." "Can I call you back?" "Yeah, we gotta work this out." "Because he's gonna suspect that you're being coached by a guy who stammers." "Wow, do you look good today." "Can you come here for just one second?" "Dom, please don't." "Dr. Katz..." "Cha-cha-cha." "Come on, just go with me a little." "♫ I think I'm falling hard for Dr.... ♫ cha-cha-cha!" "Come on, just a therapist now." "♫ You and me in my dreams. ♫" "Cha-cha-cha!" "Come here, doc." "First of all, this is not a cha-cha." "You know what's amazing, seriously, about this?" "When I'm in therapy with you and I'm so close to you," "I could just punch you right in the face." "And there's nothing you can do about it." "Isn't that scary, the thought of that?" "Or I could just, like, poke one of your eyes, or..." "Dom, where do these thoughts come from?" "And where are we going with this?" "I just don't think you really care about my problems." "I mean, you never give me an extra minute of your time." "It's always, "Well, you know what the thing..."." "You ever think maybe I'm in a little hurt here, doc?" "I was even thinking of becoming gay, but I can't get in that kind of shape!" "I mean, I had a dream the other night." " That I was in an elizabethan play." " Yeah." "And I understood nothing but everything." "You know what I mean?" "Then I had this dream..." "I get kidnapped by pirates, right?" "And I had to put those tights on, and the whole time I'm talking, I'm holding my stomach in." "What does that mean?" "Oops, Dom..." "I'm sorry." "You know what the music means." "Hey, doc..." "Thanks so much for this." "This is great." "Now, look..." "Just don't expect this." "I don't expect anything." "Can I sit in the front, though, please?" "Let me sit in the front, 'cause I like to wave." "Look at this." "I love to put my head out the window like this." "Dom, don't do that, please." "Blah-blah!" "That's not..." "Dom, that's just not safe." "Look how much wind I can take in my mouth." "Aahhh-waa-waa-waa-waah!" "Hey, doc, wanna stop at Scooter's." "For a little brewski?" "Come on, one beer, on me." "You buy the rest of the night, come on!" "No, I actually have another arrangement." "Hey, there's a pharmacy." "Let's drive through the takeout window." "Come on, you're a doctor." "Less party!" "I'm feeling a little pain." "What about you, doc?" "Come on, let's write some scripts, huh?" " No, let's not." " Come on, legal drugs!" "Not a bad way to go."