"Daddy, Joey, come here." "What's the matter, honey?" "There's a monster in my closet." "Michelle, we've been through this a hundred times." " There's no such things as monsters." " There's a Cookie Monster." "Cookie Monster's not a real monster." "He's just a sugar freak who got stuck with a scary last name." "I'm telling you, there's a monster in my closet." "All right, I am gonna prove to you that there's no monster in your closet." "Be very careful." "Look, honey." " Aaarggh!" " Whoa!" "Gotcha." "JOEY:" "Oh, yeah, you guys got us." " Way to go, Michelle." "Yes." " What is this thing?" " That's very attractive." "Your old Halloween mask." "Okay." "[SIGHS]" "Freeze." "Stop." "Take off your shoes." "Oh, that's right, it's Friday." "And Friday is..." " ...mop till you drop day." " Mop till you drop day." "Comet, wipe your paws." "I just mopped." "Comet, come back." "Don't you know it's mop till you drop day?" "Comet." "Comet." "Oh, man, it's a good thing you start obedience school tonight." "You know, some dogs your age are pulling sleds or herding sheep." "All I want you to do is sit, heel, maybe do an occasional load of laundry." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Comet." "Comet, come back." "Okay, get it out of your system." "JOYCE:" "Hi." "DANNY:" "Hi." "Here's the baby." "Thanks for letting Tony sleep over tonight." "Oh, hey, what are neighbors for?" "I get $3.50 an hour, plus tips and all I can eat." "Which is no big deal because it's my food." "Ha-ha-ha." "[LAUGHING]" "You're a prince, man." "Here's a list of emergency phone numbers." "And here's Tony's nutritionally balanced, cholesterol-free oat-bran-enriched baby food." "Sort of like Purina Yuppie Chow." "Ha-ha-ha." "[LAUGHING]" " Well, thanks." " Oh, one more thing." "Tony won't bond with just anybody so don't take it personally when you pick him up if he screams his guts out." "[LAUGHS]" "Why aren't you laughing?" "You'll see." "Okay, Tony, what do you say we do a little bonding?" "Yeah, you look psyched." "Let me warm up your bottle for you." "And I'm gonna put you right over here where I can see you." "Now, don't you move." " Come here." " I can't wait to get in the kitchen." " I haven't cooked for you in months." " We can't wait either, sweetheart." "Baby in the house." "Look, Jess, he's so cute." "Sure." "You see cute, I see smelly diapers." "Joey, where did the baby come from?" "Well, you see, Jess, when two people really love each other...." "I know that part." "This baby." "Where did this baby come from?" "This is Tony Kagan from across the street." "We're babysitting him tonight." "[CRIES]" "What did you say?" "You want your Uncle Jesse?" "No, no, no." "JESSE:" "Kid, trust me, you want nothing to do with me." " No, no, no, you don't." " You want your Uncle Jesse." "BECKY:" "Aw...." "What did I ever do to you?" "Face it, Jess, the kid just loves you." "Which is great because I gotta take Comet to obedience school." "Watch him?" " You're dreaming." " Oh, come on, sweetie." "It'll be fun." " We'll get to play mom and dad." " Great." "We'll call a babysitter." "Jess, you can't fool me." "I know you love kids." "His bottle's in the sink." "Come on, Comet, let's go." "Heel, heel." "Comet, heel." "Stay." "Comet, wait for me." "Comet, get in the car." "Comet, not that car." "Come back with my dog." "All right, that's enough baby bonding." "Here you go, chief." "Michelle, this is Tony." "Tony, Michelle." "Very nice to meet you." "Can you do this?" "Can you do this?" "[BECKY AND JOEY LAUGH]" "Can you do anything?" "Yeah, I bet he could laugh." "Let's tickle him, okay?" "Ready?" "[JESSE MAKES NOISES]" "My turn." "Tony, I used to be really cool." "Homework halftime." "Oh, thanks, Joey." "I'm in big trouble here." "Are you any good at math?" "Well, I hate to brag, but I did sleep through a whole year of honors calculus." " What's the problem, Deej?" "Lay it on me." " Okay, here it is." ""Bill is throwing a party." "He wants to buy a pound and a half of mixed nuts." "One third is almonds, two thirds are walnuts." "The total cost is $7.50." "The almonds cost $4.00 a pound." "How much do the walnuts cost?"" "The guy's name was Bill?" "Who wants to play with the munchkin?" "I do." "I do." "I do." "Joey, you have homework." "Look at those little fingers." "Look how adorable." "Hi." "Oh, I always wanted a baby brother." "Oh, I can't take this." "I'm taking a baby break." "[BABY TALK]" "As much as I love baby talk, I really have to leave." "[CRIES]" "[IN UNISON] Uncle Jesse, Tony wants you." "He's not crying just because he wants me." "[TONY STOPS CRYING]" "This "I don't cry around Uncle Jesse" bit was cute at first, but now it's...." "Okay, it's still cute." "Ready?" "Come on." "Flying baby." "Here we go." "Ready?" "Flying baby." "Oh, boy, jumbo jet." "Here we go." "Look out, flying baby." "Wide body." "Coming in for a landing." "It's a bird, it's a plane, it's superbaby." " Hey, I'm superbaby." " No, you're not." "You're super big girl." "Okay, here we go, chief." "Coming in for a landing." " Hey, that's my crib." " You don't need a crib anymore." "You're a big girl." "You sleep in a big-girl bed." "Here, Ton, you want some toys, buddy?" "Here, Ton." "There you go, buddy." "Those are my toys." "Well, Michelle, Tony needs some company while he sleeps." "In my room?" "Michelle, you have to learn how to share." "Now, today it's Tony's room too, okay?" "This is nuts." "Let me sing you a song, and then you're gonna go to sleep, okay?" "Here we go." "[SINGS]" "That's my song." "Uncle Jesse doesn't like me anymore." "Okay, guys, I finally got it." "I finally figured out D.J.'s math problem." "According to my calculations, Bill can buy a pound of walnuts for...." "Fifty-three thousand dollars." "Well, that's what the Pentagon would pay." "Too spicy?" "No, no." "I always cry when I eat chicken." "It's pasta." "Uncle Jesse, come with me, please." "Okay, where are we going?" "To see Tony." " What's the matter with Tony?" " He's still here." "Come on, check this out with me." " What about my dinner?" " Just let it fester." "I mean, "simmer."" "Ow!" "Hello, Mohammed's House of Nuts?" "Yes, hello, my name is Bill." "Yeah, look, I'm having a party and my nut budget is exactly seven dollars and fifty cents." "Now, if a third of my friends like almonds and almonds cost, let's see, $4.00 a pound...." "No, this isn't for homework." "Yes, I know I'll never learn if I don't do it myself." "Time to go home." "Bye-bye, Tony." "Michelle, that wasn't very cool." "You woke up the kid." "Good, now he could go home." " Oh, Michelle, you don't mean that." " Oh, yes, I do." "All right, come on, buddy." "Here we go." "Here we go, Tony." " Okay, bud." " My turn." "Carry me." "I'm taking care of the baby right now." "I'll carry you later, okay?" "You okay, Ton?" "You okay, buddy?" "Hey, Jess." "I think that Michelle's jealous because baby Tony's getting all of her uncle's attention." " Now she wants to be the baby." " Hey, baby." "What would give you a crazy idea like that?" "Well, intuition, instinct and the fact that Michelle's sitting in the crib sucking her thumb." "I'm a baby." "Here." "Michelle, you're not a baby." "You're a big girl." "Goo-goo, ga-ga." "Beck, we gotta do something about this." "I think the obvious thing to do is reward Michelle for acting like a big girl." "You obviously know nothing about child psychology." " Oh, really?" " Yes, really." "It's very simple." "You just have to look them in the eye and lay down the law." "Watch and learn." "Should I take notes, O wise one?" "Wouldn't hurt." "All right, Michelle, come on, stop clowning around." "You get out of that thing and start showing us what a big girl you are." "Waa!" " Ready to try the reward method?" " Oh, please, that never works." "If you try it, I'll give you one of my special back rubs." "It's worth a shot." "Why, because I'm gonna reward you?" "Well, maybe." "Just because you tricked me doesn't mean Michelle's dumb enough to fall for it." "I've been working on this problem for over an hour and the answer is you're never gonna use algebra in real life." " Joey" " I let you down." "Now you'll never get into college." "You'll end up working in some diner serving chicken-fried steaks and creamed corn to truck drivers named Tiny and Duke and Buck." "Relax." "I called the Homework Hotline, and they helped me do it." "See, X is the total, Y is the price of a pound of walnuts." "So the walnuts are Z, and Z equals X minus Y divided by two which makes the price of the walnuts $5.50." "Oh, sure, it's easy when you use letters." "I was using real nuts." " All right, Deej, give me another problem." " Okay." " Okay." " Here we go." "Page 62." "And numbers one through 20." "Show all your work, neatness counts." "I'll get right on it." "Doing my homework." "Can't talk now." "Who wanted to talk to him?" "Listen, girls, I'm having a little problem." "I wanna ask you about something." "I've been hanging around with Tony and Michelle's getting jealous." "You know, and Tony's a baby so Michelle's acting like a baby." "I figured I'd give her something special to reward her for acting like a big girl." "So do you guys have any ideas?" "Well, Michelle has had her eye on Mr. Bear ever since she could crawl." "So, what's your point?" "Well, you always said that one day you were gonna give Mr. Bear to Michelle." "Well, when I said "one day," I meant like her wedding day." "Here, why don't you give her your pillow person?" "Because Mr. Bear is a child's toy." "My pillow person is a sophisticated companion." "Please." "Sophisticated?" "It's got arms and legs growing out of its face." " I say we let Michelle decide." " Fine with me." "It is a stupid-looking pillow." "Michelle, pick a toy." "Haven't you always wanted this darling little bear?" "I'm sure you'd rather have this sophisticated companion." "You don't want this boring square person." "But he's much better than this disgusting, yucky old bear." "I'll explain later." "Michelle, if you get one of these toys, you're gonna have to act like a big girl because these are big-girl toys, capiche?" "Capiche." "Eenie meenie minie mo Catch a tiger by the toe" "If he hollers, let him go Eenie meenie minie mo" "I pick Mr. Bear." "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you." "Goodbye, old friend." "Hello, new friend." "I'm proud of you, kiddo." "Well, if it makes Michelle happy, I guess it was worth it." "STEPHANIE:" "What have I done?" "Well, I guess I took care of that." "Turn around." "Michelle, get out of the crib." "She's back in the crib?" "If she's still acting like a baby, the deal is off." " I want Mr. Bear back." " No." "Well, I'll go get Tony a bottle." "Take care of this, will you, Beckala?" " Give me Mr. Bear." " His name is Willie." "You changed his name?" "You got it, dude." "Jesse, you are gonna be so proud of this dog." "And you're gonna be proud of me too." "They taught you to heel?" "No, the instructor taught me how to control Comet." "The relationship between a dog and his master can be a beautiful thing." "Now behold, the new and improved Comet." "Comet, lie down." "Comet." "He will lie down eventually." "And when he does, I'll be waiting with a doggy yummy." "Danny, I'm glad you're here." "I'm having a little problem with Michelle." "You know how I've been hanging out with Tony?" "Michelle's starting to freak out." "She's acting like a baby." "Poor kid." "How did you handle it?" "Well, I told her to straighten up and start acting like an adult." "And when that didn't work, what did you do?" "Well, we tried giving her a reward for acting like a big girl." "You tried to bribe her?" "Don't cheapen it." "What should I do?" "I think if you want Michelle to act like a big girl you have to talk to her like she's a big girl in words that she'll understand." "You got it, dude." "All right, Michelle." "It's time for a special uncle-to-niece talk, okay?" "I'm not giving Willie back." "All right, Michelle." "Now you tell your Uncle Jesse why you're having a bummer of a day." "You like Tony better than me." "Michelle, that's not true." "You're my best pal." "We go back three years." "You gave Tony my room and my song." "I was just trying to be nice to our new friend." "But I should have asked you first." "Because I'd never want to hurt your feelings, pal." " You wanna know why?" " Why?" "Come here and I'll tell you why." "Because you make me laugh, Michelle." "You make me smile." "You make me feel good about caring about somebody." " I do that?" " Yeah, you do that." "Michelle, you and I are gonna be together forever and Tony's leaving tomorrow." " He is?" " Yes, he is." "And I want you to know something." "There's gonna be a lot of people that come in and out of my life." "But you're always gonna be number one." "You're gonna be my best pal, my buddy, my sidekick." " You know why?" " Why?" "Because I love you very, very much." " How much?" " You wanna know how much?" "I'll show you how much." "I love you this much." "Wow!" " How much do you love me?" " This much." "That much?" "Oh, our arms are open." "We have to hug." "It's a given, it's a given." "Michelle, I've been thinking about it, and, you know you might need that bear more than I do." "So have a nice life with Mr. Bear." "I mean Willie." "Here, you can have Mr. Bear." "Michelle, I love you so much." "Everybody loves me." "That was a wet kiss." "I'm hip." "Come here." "Let me tell you something, Michelle." "That was very nice that you gave the bear back." "You really are a big girl." "I'm hip." " How did we do?" " We did pretty good, didn't we?" "Wanna make friends with Tony?" "Yes, I would." "Tony, you're a nice baby." "Give Tony a kiss." "Give him a kiss." "You know, one day you're gonna be a great dad." "Give Jesse a kiss." "Give him a kiss." "Oh, yeah." "Have mercy." " Can you say "have mercy"?" " Can you say that, little guy?" "Have mercy." "You will someday." "Here we go." "Time to go to sleep." "There you go, big Ton-o-rama." "Here we go, man." "Good night, Tony." "Oh, Michelle, that's so sweet." "Come on." "You're going home tomorrow, you remember?" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH SDH]"