"Excuse me." "I know we haven't been formally introduced but I was wondering." "when you get off from work if you haven't made any dinner p|ans...?" "Steak and Brew. 10:30." "Wear something tight." "In Manhattan." "The number for Spandex for Less." "It says here they're down to three candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize." "I would kill for one of those." "I don't know how to be delicate." "but it would seem that one of the prerequisites for winning a humanitarian award is that you be...." "Human." "Why are you interested in a Nobel Peace Prize." "Dan?" "Career advancement." "Of course." "I lost my head there for a second." "Excuse me." "I'm afraid I'm a little lost." "I was wondering if you could direct me." "Certainly. first left. take the corridor." "and then follow the yellow brick road." "I crack myself up." "Who are you?" "Dan Fielding." "Can you say that?" "I'm Vincent Daniels. your new boss." "Can you say that?" "I'll expect you in my office immediately." "Heigh-ho. heigh-ho it's off to work I go." "BERNIE:" "Florence." "FLORENCE:" "Huh?" "Florence." "I was thinking." "before we rushed into things maybe it would be a good idea if we got to know each other a little better." "Why?" "Well. there are a million questions I'd like to ask you." "And I'm sure there are a million you could ask me." "Go ahead. ask me any little thing your heart desires." "Ever do it to Twisted Sister?" "Talk is cheap." "Bernie." "Vincent Daniels wanted me to tell you he's gonna be sitting in with Dan on tonight's session." "Thanks." "Have you seen that guy's credentials?" "Yale Law Review." "Supreme Court clerk." "The highest rate of convictions of any DA in the state." "How do you think Dan's gonna handle working with him?" "You ever discuss jurisprudence with a Muppet?" "Ask a stupid question...." "I hate him." "Because?" "That job was mine." "I busted my chops for years." "what do they do?" "They give it to Santa's favorite elf." "Oh." "Dan." "And then he lectures me." "He sits with his little feet on top of his little desk and lectured me." "He happens to be one of the best-qualified prosecutors in the state." "Perhaps he beat you out for that job fair and square." "[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES]" "My favorite is." ""How's the weather down there?"" "Mine is. "How's the view?"" "I've heard that one a thousand times." "[BOTH CHUCKLINGI" "Ever see Rocky and Bullwinkle?" "Watch out." "Dan." "Mr. Fielding." "I'm only going to interject when I think it is absolutely necessary." "Mm." "Light docket tonight." "That's about the size of it." "IGAVEL BANGINGI" "Yeah. the gavel works good." "What do we got first?" "We've got some burglaries..." "...attempted arson. bodily assau|ts...." "Surprise me." "Arnold Preminger. attempted arson." "Lovely choice." "Oh. thank you. sir." "Defense requests a psychiatric" "Whoa." "Miss Sullivan." "I would like to hear the particulars of this case before we pass judgment." "Mr. Preminger believes aliens from the gaseous nebula Gamma Seven are infiltrating the municipal work force in their continued quest for domination." "You were saying." "Miss Sullivan?" "I have proof." "Mr." "Preminger" "Front page." "New York Times." "They've invaded every area of the work force." ""Evidence of alien hiring."" "Mr. Preminger." "this is an article about immigrants." "From space." "Your Honor. the empire recommends we beam the earthling aboard the slave colony at Terra Bellevue." "IBREATHES HEAVILYI" "Oh. my God." "Mr. Fielding." "Excuse me." "Vinnie the Pooh wants to see me." "WOMEN:" "Oooh...." "Hey!" "You can forget those Christmas cards." "What?" "Mr." "Fielding." "Ethics aside." "I found your comments to the defendant disgusting and totally unacceptable." "So. what's your point?" "My point is." "I'm going to show you how I want things handled in this court." "I have been doing this job for eight years" "Sit!" "Look. listen and learn." "I hated you in E.T." "And in conclusion." "Your Honor." "I would like to cite a relevant precedent." "Namely." "Green v. Wisconsin, 1962. in which" "You mean Greenberg v. Wisconsin." "Greenberg. right." "As I was saying" "And it was 1972." "What did I say?" "'62." "Hey. you got the state part right." "How clever of me." "With all due respect to counsel for the defense the Greenberg decision was overturned by the Supreme Court." "It was a 6-to-2 vote with one abstention on August 17th. 1977." "I believe it was a Thursday." "It was a Tuesday." "I'm just kidding." "I know." "Defense have anything to add?" "I respectfully decline." "Your Honor." "on the grounds that it may incriminate me." "Mr. Fielding?" "Her turn-ons are sunshine. smiles and Bert Convy movies." "Dan." "Yo." "Do you concur with Mr. Daniels?" "Well. if the pointy little shoe with the bell on the toe fits...." "Okay." "I don't see any reason we can't continue this case till the next session." "We will take a short" "I mean. a little" " I mean...." ""Short" is fine." ""Short" it is." "Short recess." "Fielding." "I've got a problem with your attitude." "Did you say "attitude" or "altitude"?" "Your behavior is bordering on insubordination." "Now. you listen to me" "No. you listen to me." "I'm giving you one week to clean up your act." "Is that understood?" "Understood?" "Yes." "Yes. what?" "Yes. you little ba" "Barrister." "Fielding." "I don't think we see eye-to-eye." "You wanna see eye-to-eye?" "You want to see eye-to-eye?" "Okay. here's one more." "Vincent Price in The Fly." "Help me. help me. help me." "Great news." "What?" "I've been fired." "No." "You're kidding." "It's true." "I've just been promoted to former assistant district attorney." "Oh. wow." "Congratulations." "Poor Dan." "Just kidding." "Oh. even so it seems a shame to see a man's whole life go down the tubes like that." "It's like the 17th century mathematician and philosopher René Descartes once said:" ""You hoist your boss. you pay the price."" "Here he is." "Thank you." "Bull. where did you find him?" "In the men's room beating his head against the tile." "Well?" "Well?" "What do you expect when you behave like an inconsiderate...." "Diseased piece of vermin meat?" "Dan." "I feel sorry for you." "I really do." "I have seen the sensitive side of you." "so this really shocks me." "Frankly." "I was just beginning to like you." "So sex is not totally out of the question?" "I'd rather sleep with Attila the Hun." "Hey." "Christine. wait up." "She wouldn't." "Oh." "Well." "I gotta go check on my roast." "Yeah." "I know." "You're disappointed." "And I know that you are prejudiced jerk." "Well. so would you be if you were in my shoes." "It's very easy to be a bleeding-heart liberal from where you sit." "Try working for Vincent Daniels." "Dan. everyone has the right to work." "Of course." "In circuses. amusement parks." "Dan." "Damn it." "Harry." "I wanted that job." "Dan. from the bottom of my heart I am truly ashamed of you." "See you." "Be sure to put down your doctor's name and phone number." "I never filled in a medical report for a date before." "Safety first." "Bernie." "Florence. about tonight" "Oh. listen. you better put down your next of kin too." "My hot tub's been acting a little funny lately." "IKNOCKINGI" "Yeah?" "Wondering if I could bother you for a letter of recommendation." "Exactly 32 seconds. huh?" "What is the job market for village idiots?" "Harry. don't you realize yet that it's a matter of dignity?" "Oh." "I know that." "You are in need of some." "I am a full-grown man being forced to take orders from somebody who should be named Spanky." "All right." "Fielding. that's enough." "I will not sit and listen to you denigrate another human being just because he happens to be 2 feet tall." "Actually." "I'm 4'2"." "Sorry." "Vincent." "This foot-in-mouth disease seems to be contagious." "VINCENT:" "Forget it." "I just stopped by to let you know that a new prosecutor will be taking over after the lunch break." "Fine." "Gentlemen." "HARRY:" "Vincent." "I want you to know that I think Dan Fielding is ignorant. bull-headed and just plain stupid." "About that recommendation ... ." "And I'm probably crazy for thinking this." "much less saying it out loud but I believe that underneath all this junk there is something that is salvageable." "Would you reconsider?" "I suppose." "If he apologized." "Dan." "Uh.... l.uh...." "I was wrong." "He's gone from stupid all the way to brain damage." "I can't." "I just cannot apologize." "That's okay." "I know exactly how you feel." "You do?" "You've got your pride." "You've been humiliated." "You had to suck up to a man who sits on booster seats in restaurants." "[LAUGHS]" "That's pretty funny." "Shut up." "Velcro head." "I know all about humiliation." "Fielding." "believe me." "Pee wee. munchkin. runt." "dwarf." "PY9my. midget." "I think I've heard them all." "Kids can be very creative when they tease you. you know." "You see." "I stopped growing when I was 11 years old." "But. then. apparently. so did you." "Look." "I am sorry you were born that way." "Hm." "That's exactly what my father said just before he left." "Your father left?" "I guess it was rough on him." "His friends' sons played baseball." "his carried the water bucket." "His friends' sons played football." "his carried the water bucket." "To this day." "I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain." "You mean your father walked out just because you were..." "'--Petite?" "The night before he left I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault." "He said that I was a punishment from God." "But my mother was a intelligent and caring woman." "And she finally explained it to me that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with." "It was his own." "Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?" "You can do it with your own words." "Vincent." "I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did." "You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice." "AP0|ogy accepted." "I'll get back to you on which organ." "In the meantime. get those cases together for the rest of the session." "You're taking me back?" "Yes." "Because I think you're being sincere." "Also." "I've seen your conviction record." "You're good." "But most of all." "I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a living hell." "You think you're a tough customer?" "Well. move over. buster." "Because I'm the toughest." "I'm the meanest I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth." "I'm going to make you run." "I'm going to make you jump I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake." "God bless you. sir!" "I don't understand him." "Neither do I." "But together we can have some fun abusing him till we do." "Dan apologized?" "Our Dan?" "Very same." "It was really kind of beautiful." "He really listened." "So he's working?" "Well." "I wouldn't exactly call it working." "Yes. sir." "I can pick up your dry cleaning on the way home." "It's more like groveling for dollars." "And you typed up all the plea bargain motions for December?" "Yes. sir." "The conviction ratios?" "Oh. yeah. stuck in my pants." "Oh." "Fine." "Now. about my car...." "Light wash. no wax." "I can have it first thing tomorrow." "Fine." "Tomorrow. what?" "Tomorrow. my lord." "Good." "Now toss me a salad." "Oh. and Fielding got any spare change for the vending machine?" "I'm a little short right now." "Did you hear me." "Fielding?" "I said." "I'm a little short right now." "Anything you would care to say?" "A little nervous about your date." "Bernie?" "No." "I'm afraid for my life." "Oh. come on." "Bernie." "It's just sweet. little old Flo." "She sent me a box of whips." "That must be a joke." "Oh." "I see the party favors arrived." "Florence. about dinner tonight." "Oh. forget dinner." "What the hell. let's just shack up." "I can live off your savings and devote myself to my hobbies." "Did I ever mention the motorcycle club?" "Actually. it's more of a gang." "Florence. we have to talk." "Sure. what topic?" "Well. it's kind of private." "That roast should be done by now." "Florence. it's not going to work." "It's not?" "Don't get me wrong." "it's not that I don't find you attractive it's just. well I'm used to a certain pace when it comes to relationships." "Like?" "Like you're a Corvette and I'm a milk truck." "Oh." "I'm sorry. really I am." "Well." "I guess if that's the way you feel." "It is." "And listen. who knows?" "In a few years after you'll have gotten all of this out of your system...." "Goodbye." "Florence." "Goodbye." "Bernie." "Ee-vah!" "He bought it?" "Bought it?" "That c|own's gotta be halfway over the river by now." "All right!" "I sense a conspiracy." "Yes. sir." "See." "I told Florence what a nuisance Bernie was with Selma." "I figured it was a matter of time before he started bothering Florence." "So we just decided to beat him to the punch." "Being irresistible must be tough. huh?" "We manage." "You know." "I still can't believe Bernie actually bought all that stuff we concocted." "The line about the motorcycle gang was my favorite." "Motorcycle gang?" "Ready. angel?" "FLORENCE:" "Oh. anytime. doll." "We better get a move on." "We gotta link up with 50 guys from Sickle and Skull and still make the Jersey border before the highway patrol throws up a barricade." "Some of us were born to run." "[LAUGHING]" "[ENGLISH SDHI"