" ¶ I say james, y'all say franco, james franco ¶" "¶ james franco, I say james, y'all say franco ¶" "¶ james franco, james franco" "¶ I say james, y'all say franco ¶" "¶ james franco, james franco" "¶ money in the bank, bro, eh, james franco ¶" "¶ franco, franco" "¶ mr." "James franco" "¶ franco, franco" "¶ I say james, y'all say franco ¶" "¶ james franco, james franco" "¶ I say james, y'all say franco ¶" "¶ james franco, james franco" "¶ yo, franco, fra-fra-franco ¶" "¶ franco, james franco" "¶ franco, fra-fra-franco ¶" "¶ franco, franco, franco" "¶ franco, fra-fra-franco. ¶" " This is "the comedy central roast of james franco."" " This whole crowd is high, james franco." "And now please welcome your roastmaster seth rogen." " Hello!" "Hi, guys." "My name is seth rogen." "Welcome to "the comedy central" "Roast of james franco."" "Why, uh..." "Why are we here?" "Why are we doing this?" "I don't know." "How high was I when I said I would do this?" "It's crazy." "Is this punishment for "the guilt trip"?" "Is that what this is?" "I'm just glad I'm not alone up here." "I got nick kroll," "Jonah hill, sarah silverman," "Andy samberg..." "Jeff." "This dais is literally hitler's wet dream though, in all honesty." "It's got jews, gays and whatever aziz is." "This is so fucked up to do with you guys here." "This is so mean." "I really like these people." "Uh..." "Anyway, I'll start with the jewiest and work my way down:" "Sarah silverman is here." "Sarah and I actually worked together on the film "take this waltz,"" "Which she was great in." "She actually did full-frontal nudity in the movie," "Which was fantastic." "It was amazing." "I always thought she was very liberal," "But it turns out she's actually a giant bush supporter." "Huge!" "Aziz ansari is here." "Yes." "This is actually the longest aziz has ever heard me talk" "Without checking to see if someone more famous has texted him." "I wanna make fun of you for being friends with kanye west." "But truthfully, it's the only cool thing there is about you, so I can't do that." "Jonah hill is here." "A lot of people compare, uh, jonah to a young belushi" "Jim belushi." "Jonah's actually started to move away from comedy." "It happens five minutes into his movie "the sitter."" "Andy samberg is here." "Andy plays a cop on his new fox show." "His first case will be investigating the disappearance of his new fox show." "A lot of people are live-tweeting the show tonight." "Speaking of 140 characters no one gives a shit about, bill hader is here." "Bill's a great impressionist." "Right now he's doing an impression" "Of a guy who really regrets leaving s.N.L." "Nick kroll is here." "Yes!" "Nick kroll is the scary jewish face mel gibson runs from" "In his dreams every night." ""ahhhh!" yeah." ""gimme your pennies."" "Let's start talking about someone people actually give a shit about:" "James franco." "You know, who is the real james franco?" "Is he an artist?" "Is he an actor?" "Is he a scholar?" "He's tough to pin down," "Although I've heard many guys have been able to do it." "Let's take a look at the career of james franco." " I got a lot of plans." " Okay, what will you be doing?" " Plenty." " He is a director, an author..." " Painter, pilot..." " A soaking-wet gucci spokesman..." " A student..." " And an artist." " Good morning, everyone." " This is my fucking dream, y'all." "Make it come true." " Rub your wrist against my belt buckle." "Yeah, let me save you!" " What do you think, I want to be terrible at school?" " I actually did fall asleep in class." " Who doesn't fucking fall asleep in class?" " What are you doing?" "Are you reading my books?" " Oh." " Stop it!" "Stop learning for one second!" " Okay." " James franco." " This guy ain't so bad." " God, I've missed you so!" " James franco didn't suck any dick last night." "Now I know y'all are tripping." " ¶ I..." " All right!" " ¶ wanna be..." " Look at me." " ¶ just like..." " Cool, man!" " ¶ james franco..." " Eff you." " Eff me?" "Eff you." " Eff you!" " Eff you, man." " Eff you, mother-effer." " ¶ brass monkey..." " Gimme some love." " ¶ that funky monkey, brass monkey ¶" " I'm just marking my territory." " ¶ that funky monkey..." " The artist known as franco" "Won't mind that you trashed his masterpiece." " Your mama's pussy was the canvas, your dad's dick was the paintbrush." "Boom, you're the art!" " Thanks, james franco." " Why don't we do a sequel to "pineapple express"?" " You guys want to buy some chronic?" "Smell it!" "Like god's vagina." " ¶ I'm gonna pop some tags" "¶ only got $20 in my pocket ¶" "¶ this is fucking awesome..." " We do it gangsta!" "Gangsta!" "I'm from a different planet, y'all!" "And I just transported y'all out to fucking space, y'all!" "¶ damn, that's a cold-ass honky. ¶" " Would you ever consider hosting the oscars?" " I did that." " So would you ever consider" "Hosting it, properly?" " I'm the actor james franco, damn it!" "And I'm in love with a japanese body pillow!" " ¶ I've been looking in a new direction... ¶" " Avenge me!" " No!" " ¶ I wanna laugh and I wanna cry ¶" "¶ I wanna spit but my mouth's too dry ¶" "¶ I wanna run but I'm scared 'cause my legs don't go... ¶" " Ow, help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" " The first guy that I ever sold to that I became friends with." " B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F." " Best fucking friends forever, man." " ¶ in a new direction." " Boom." "It's over." " All right." "Every man wants to be him and he wants to be in every man." "The prettiest boy I know-- james franco!" "Where-- where is james franco?" " Come on." " Ready three..." "Take three." "Okay, I gotta go." "You take over." " Franco?" "What the fuck is he doing back there?" " All right, spidey-pose!" "Genius!" " Mr. Franco, I'm so sorry my paper's late." " Oh, late? "f"!" " Love it." "Beautiful." "Yes, yes!" "And..." "That's our cover." " Congratulations, doctor." " All right, thank you, thank you." "Okay." " "james franco documentary," scene 1-apple, take one." " Hit it, all right." "Here we go." " Hi, james." " All right!" "Welcome james franco, everybody!" "I'm a little surprised he showed up, to be totally honest." "Why are we here, james?" " I don't f" " Can you tell us why the fuck we're here?" " No fucking idea, bud." " I know why I'm here." "'cause whenever you do something without me, it sucks." "That's why I'm here." "We're here tonight so james can live out" "One of his unfulfilled sexual fantasies:" "To have a room full of his friends shit all over him." "Franco, you look like you're asleep." "Did you just read a james franco book?" "He's had a great career." "Judd apatow" "Gave both me and him our start on the show "freaks and geeks."" "Uh..." "Yeah." "It's true." "Judd was actually gonna direct this roast," "But comedy central didn't want it to be 40 minutes too long." "James became famous for playing james dean," "Which makes sense 'cause they both sucked some dicks and made three good movies." "You asked us to do this, man." "I don't know why." "To prepare for his role in "127 hours,"" "He told me he spent five days with his arm inside the rock" "Actually he goes by dwayne johnson now." "I keep forgetting that." "He's the last guy I should be making jokes about." "He'll literally fucking kill me." "Look at me doing all the talkin' while you sit there doing nothing." "I feel like I'm co-hosting the oscars with you." "Say what you will about james's awful" "And borderline contemptuous performance at the oscars..." "In this world there can only be one james franco, 'cause if there were two james francos," "They'd never stop buttfucking each other." "How 'bout we bring out our first roaster, huh?" "There we go." "You probably know him" "From his small roles in movies like "date night" and "get him to the greek,"" "And his starring roles in no movies ever." "Please welcome nick kroll." " All right." "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for seth rogen." "Let him hear it." "God, seth rogen is so jewish..." " How jewish is he?" " Seth rogen is so fucking jewish..." "Anyway, I'm excited to be here tonight." "Seth, you're doing a really good job up there." "It's not an easy job." "Now many of you might not know this," "But seth rogen has a writing and directing partner named evan goldberg." "What does this other guy look like that you're the face of the operation?" "I assume he's like a sweaty orthodox jew" "Eating a pastrami sandwich:" ""hey, sethy," "Yeah, I added nine dick jokes on page four." "And I was thinking that the guys are friends and then they're not friends" "And then at the end of the movie they're friends again." "And also they should smoke a lot of ganja, sethy."" "We got a lot of jews on stage here tonight." "You know, people say that jews control the media." "And we do." "And you know why?" "'cause we're really good at it." "I've never heard anyone say, "why are all those black dudes in the n.B.A.?"" "Because they're better at dunking, just like jews" "Are better at whatever joke my jew writers come up with." "Lisa lampanelli's here!" " ( scattered cheers )" " Oh, I'm sorry, that's jeff ross." "Andy samberg is here!" "Or as I like to call him:" "Better-looking more-successful me." "Jonah hill." "You know, a lot of people are gonna touch" "On your weight tonight, jonah, but not enough people are gonna talk about" "What an asshole you've become." "But we're here tonight to celebrate james franco," "The man who made this whole evening possible." "James always has that look of," ""oh man, how did this perfect amount of facial hair" "End up on my face?" "You know, I'm from palo alto, from california," "Yet no one questions why I talk like I'm from 1940s brooklyn."" "James franco is truly our generation's james dean." "James dean of course died at the tender age of 24," "Sparing himself the embarrassment" "Of getting roasted by a bunch of jealous jew monsters." "James, honestly, what happened with you and anne hathaway?" "Did you bone her out?" "You know what?" "You're a gentleman," "You don't have to answer that." "Just squint once if yes." "Quick reminder that if at any point tonight" "James fully opens his eyes, there will be six more weeks of summer." "But in all seriousness, james, I admire your work ethic." "I think you're..." "( mumbles )" "I'm just here to get slightly more famous." "And remember, if anyone here bombs tonight," "It's just 'cause they're doing an impression of james franco at the oscars." "Thank you, guys." "Enjoy the rest of your night." "That's it." " All right, I have to admit" "I'm a little jealous of our next roaster." "He's gotten to work with guys like quentin tarantino," "Martin scorsese, brad pitt." "And I'm stuck doing movies with self-important assholes" "Like jonah hill." "Please welcome jonah hill." " Hi, guys, james." "How's it going?" "It's really great to be here for my buddy james." "I just don't know why they would choose me, though," "Because there's nothing really anyone" "Can make fun of me for." "I guess," "These guys are gonna make fun of me for something." "So I just think I'm just gonna be nice" "And say what I like about them" "Because I really love all these people up here." "Um, you know, like bill hader, good friend of mine." " ( applause ) - right?" "He was brilliant on s.N.L. He was brilliant." "And when he left the show this year," "Every single person was like "what are you doing?" "You're never ever gonna work again like ever!"" "And what does my man bill do?" "Boom!" "He goes ahead and books himself a t-mobile commercial." " Who's laughing now, lorne michaels?" "My man bill is." "I mean, this guy's cashing checks" "From the fourth largest mobile provider in the nation." " And look-- no, look," "I respect bill because sprint was coming after him hard." "But he just held out for that fuck you t-mobile money." "Bill's awesome." "( chuckles )" "I love you, bill." "Andy samberg is another friend of mine." "I love him." "And now that he's got his new tv show," ""brooklyn nine-nine," which I'm assuming is about this brooklyn cop" "Who tried to make it in the movie business," "But failed and got sent back to tv." " Yeah." " My only question is," "Andy, when the show gets canceled after five episodes," "Are you gonna do a different cellphone commercial" "Or are they gonna turn bill's into a two-hander" "For both of you guys?" "Andy's awesome." "Sarah silverman, so amazing," "So beautiful." "I think you're gorgeous." "And I think it's crazy" "Because everyone's like "she's hot for a comic."" "But I don't agree because she's not just hot for a comic." "She's hot for someone her age." " That's right." " Seriously, sarah, you were my favorite comic as a kid." " Sarah is a role model for every little girl out there." "I mean every little girl dreams" "Of being a 58-year old, single, stand-up comedian" "With no romantic prospects on the horizon." "They all dream of it, but sarah did it." " I'm living it." " And people say it's too late for sarah" "To become successful in movies at her age." "I, again, do not agree." "It's not impossible." "I mean, it's not like they're asking you to bear children" "Or anything like that..." " 'cause you can't do that." "( laughter )" " Nope." " And then there's jeff ross" "Who's gonna fucking kill me later." "So I figured I should go pretty hard." " Bring it." "Bring it." "Bring it." " I never gave you this compliment before," "But you're actually the reason I decided to become successful." "I saw what you became" "And it scared the living shit out of me." "Jeff, you're like the ghost of me and seth's future" "If we never made it." "You know, jeff, I actually have a question for you." "When you meet someone," "Do you just straight up lie to them" "And say, "yeah, I'm in show business"" "Or are you honest?" "'cause I imagine it would be easier" "Just to say like "yeah, I'm unemployed,"" "Instead of having to struggle and explain" "Like, "yeah, I'm on tv once a year." "It's like this thing where famous people come in" "And I'm part of it, kind of." "Like I make fun of them, but then they leave" "And go on to their careers" "And I just kind of stay and clean everything up."" "But seriously, guys, can you please pick up after yourselves?" "It's gonna make jeff's life a lot easier." "Thank you." "Jeff's awesome, you guys." "Aziz, natasha, nick kroll, I'm assuming you guys" "Are james's friends from high school." "But I think that is so dope" "That you guys are willing to get up here" "Even though no one knows who the fuck you guys are." "Okay, that was a joke." "I know who you guys are." "But, genuinely, aziz hates this joke" "Because all aziz wants is to be famous." "I mean, he's famous in like silver lake." "But who gives a shit, right?" " Nick and natasha, how much does it bum you guys out" "That even being associated with you two" "Is literally killing aziz right now." "That's fucked up." "Can we talk about my buddy seth rogen?" "Come on." " ( applause )" " I adore this guy." "I fucking adore this guy." "He's a great writer, a great friend." "And we can't talk about seth" "Without talking about "the green hornet."" "We just can't, right?" "Because every person in the world is like" ""'the green hornet' lost so much money."" "But that's not true." "It didn't lose that much money." "I mean every single person in the world" "Fucking hated it," "But it didn't lose that much money." "And that's the goal after all, right?" "To make terrible movies that don't lose that much money." " Seth's fucking awesome." "Um..." "Now, james, the main course." "The feast de resistance." "James loves education." "He's always going to school." "Did you know that he even went to yale?" "Okay, look, I know what you're thinking." "And it's not true." "He got into yale just like everybody else." "He got really, really famous" "And just kind of asked a person from yale" "If he could go there," "Just like everybody else." "And everyone is gonna make fun of james" "For the oscars." "It's obvious." "Everyone was saying, "james was dead up there."" "But I think that was anne hathaway's fault." "I mean, fuck her for trying, like at all." "How dare she" "Attempt in some way" "To entertain the millions of people" "Trying to escape their lives for a few hours." "I commend you, james." "You know, you always hear" "George clooney and other big movie stars saying" ""my philosophy on making movies is" "One for them and one for me."" "But not my guy james." "Not my boy james!" "James is a rebel." "He has his own philosophy on this." ""one for them, five for nobody."" "( chuckling ) okay." "All jokes aside," "James, you are the weirdest fucking person" "Anyone has ever met in their entire life." "I've known you for 10 years" "And I'm still pretty sure I've never met you before." "But for some reason, I fucking, I love you, dude, so..." " Our next roaster was #29" "On "maxim"'s hot 100 in the year 2007." "Please welcome sarah silverman." "Thank you." "So how about a hand" "For our host for tonight, seth rogen?" "Isn't he round?" "I can't tell if this is the dais" "Or the line to suck judd apatow's balls." "It's so jewy." "What is this, "the comedy central audit of james franco"?" "I saw the movie "the guilt trip."" "Seth, what was it like working with barbra streisand?" "And how did you two tell each other apart?" "Like, did one of you wear a carnation or..." "Was it something like that?" "Seth's parents" "Uh, seth's parents actually met at a kibbutz." "If you don't know what a kibbutz is," "It's a community in israel" "Where apparently they don't allow abortions." "Right before the show started seth rolled a gigantic fatty," "Because that was the only way" "We could get jonah hill onto the stage." "James, I loved "spring breakers."" ""spring breaker" is actually the nickname" "We gave jeff ross when he sits on a bed." "James recently won the ally award" "For his support of the l.G.B.T. Community." "It's a prestigious award that is given anally" "Annually!" "It's given annually." "Jonah hill is here." "I love jonah." "Jonah is such a jewy dick," "You have to watch his movies through a hole in a sheet." "Jonah actually gained 50 lbs for his role" "In the new martin scorsese film," "Because the producers wanted the character to be a "jonah hill type."" "But he slimmed down a lot last year." "But what jonah lost in weight, he gained in weight." "Jonah, on a scale from one to 10," "Do you own a scale?" "But seriously, you have had" "Such a body transformation in the past couple of years." "You have come a long way from just being" "Sonny and cher's daughter." "It's done?" "Hi, bill hader." "I hate making fun of bill." "He's so sweet and gentle" "And I used to date his brother, jew hater." "But..." "Natasha leggero, everybody." "I love natasha so much." "This is natasha's first roast, you guys." "She's like a little chihuahua, 'cause she's teeny tiny and she's feisty," "And she's filled with mexican d.N.A." "Just to be clear, when I say "filled with mexican d.N.A.,"" "I mean, she's filled with the cum of mexican people." "Like, from tons of mexican gentlemen" "Cumming inside her vast vagina." "And also from her guzzling cum." "I just didn't want there to be a misunderstanding." "Speaking of brownish people, aziz ansari is here." "I have been a huge supporter of aziz for years," "And for only the price of a cup of coffee." "By the way, aziz can't stay all night." "He's gotta get back in the cupboard." "When..." "But tonight is about our man of the hour," "Mr. James edward franco, sitting to my right." "James is openly a very sexual person." "I don't think james is necessarily gay or straight," "I think he just-- he literally can't" "Open his eyes enough to see who he's fucking." "James did a movie called "interior." "Leather bar."" "It's about gay pornography." "He was inspired after he ate" "A giant bag of dicks hosting the oscars." "Robert de niro," "Sean penn, julia roberts" "These are just some" "Of the huge stars james has worked with" "Who didn't wanna be here tonight." "But you landed me and I'm so lucky for that." "Congratulations, doll." " We are very excited and I'm just gonna say it" "Honored to introduce our next roaster." "He's responsible not just for my career," "But for every single person's career in this entire room." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome" "The president of hollywood." " Hello, everybody." "Hello, hello, everybody." "Before I start I just want to say to everyone up here..." "You're welcome." "In no other place but hollywood" "Could these 10 people make the kind of money they make" "And sleep with the kind of people they sleep with." "And so again I say..." "You're welcome." "Seth rogen." "You're welcome, you hairy canuck." "You are welcome." "I, hollywood, made the world accept you." "I put you on a movie poster" "And I said, "deal with it."" "And then I put barbra streisand on that poster" "And the world said, "no!"" ""the guilt trip"!" "Listen, if I wanted to watch" "Two ugly jews weaving through traffic," "I'd watch seinfeld's web series." "And, jonah, I'm assuming you're here because seth is?" "People call me all the time and they say," ""hollywood, do we really need two of these guys?"" "But I own you, jonah." "I fuckin' own you." "If I tried to buy you on itunes, it would say," ""are you sure you want to purchase?" "Because you already own this fuck."" "Andy samberg." "The correct pronunciation..." "Looking forward to your new show, "brooklyn nine-nine."" "Funny cops." "You're always pushing the envelope, andy." "What's gonna happen when you run out" "Of funny crimes like graffiti and pickpockets?" "Can't wait to see episode 10" "When "brooklyn nine-nine" has to deal with a rape." "( mockingly ) "oh, I dropped the rape kit?" "!" "Shmorgy-dorg!"" "Yeah, that's gonna be fun." "Aziz, you're welcome." "Aziz, I admire how you've never taken" "The stereotypical indian roles." "And I just want to tell you that if you did," "You would make so much more money." "If you came out here right now with crossed eyes" "Playing a sitar, I would fall on my ass laughing." "But still, what an actor." "Such phenomenal range." "You're like the daniel day-lewis of only doing one thing." "Jeff ross!" "Hi, I'm hollywood." "We haven't met before." " Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." " Uh uh uh, sorry I haven't been able to do anything yet." "Like enterprise rental car on christmas day," "I do not have a vehicle for you." "Jeffrey?" "Do you understand what I'm saying?" " Yeah, I hear you." " Jeff doesn't get it." "No, I gotta speak to jeff now in his native language." "Excuse me, everybody." "( mimicking jabba the hutt ) oh-oh-oh-oh!" "...Wookie." "Hey, where's bill hader?" "Huh?" "Where's that guy?" "I loved his original characters on s.N.L." "Stefon, a gay guy!" "Oooh, how original!" "What's next, an old jew in a track suit?" "But bill's okay in the movies" "If you need a best friend's best friend" "To ask an exposition question." ""so, you're gonna follow her to hawaii?"" ""yes, bill." "Now fuck off for the rest of the movie."" "And now I come to you, james franco." "You're welcome." "And no one can argue with your integrity as an actor." "From jerking off next to a boulder" "To sucking a gun like a dick," "You are truly the jimmy stewart of today." "But I know it hasn't always been easy for you, james." "You overcame a crippling childhood affliction" "Known as dumb face." "But you never let that interfere with your dream" "Of making dog-shit movies..." "And explicitly gay gucci ads." "And the oscars." "The oscars." "Look, I don't even watch the oscars anymore," "But everyone was calling me." ""the kid is making a mockery of your night."" "But you did the impossible:" "You made me like anne hathaway." "I made sure she won every single fucking award" "For that "les mis" theater-camp bullshit" "Because of what you put her through, you lazy dick!" "But things are looking up." "Yeah, yeah." "Your upcoming film that you wrote and directed" "Is an adaptation of william faulkner's "as I lay dying."" " ( cheering ) - oh." "They got the faulkner crowd in here." "Well, I'm very excited for that, james." "And I must say, you know, if you..." "It's gonna suck, james." "I'm worried about you." "I'm really fuckin' worried about you." "You know how when people talk about john wilkes booth," "They go, "you know, he used to be an actor."" "I feel like you're going down that road!" "You're gonna start a forest fire that kills 20 people" "While making an experimental vine video." "And from then on people are gonna say," ""you know, that fucking psycho used to act."" "I just don't know what you're doing." "I gave you a chance to be a movie star," "Make money, hang out with the spider guy." "And you said, "naw, I wanna be an artist."" "Well, I'll tell you what I told richard grieco 20 years ago..." ""play ball, you squinty fuck..." "Or you will disappear!"" "And poof!" "He's gone!" "And you're next, franco!" "So what I need from you, james, are hits," "Like when you played the bad guy in "21 jump street."" "Oh wait, that wasn't you." "That was your less-retarded younger brother dave!" "Dave." "That sounds like a made-up brother name:" "Dave." ""hey, james franco's got a brother."" ""what's his name, dave franco?"" "In closing:" "Give me hits, drop the artist shit," "And take your money and fuck off." "I hope you enjoyed your roast." "I can't wait to see your shitty documentary about it." "Good night." "You're welcome." "Come here." " I am very excited to hear what our next roaster's voice" "Sounds like for the first time in my life." "Please welcome natasha leggero." " Thanks, "honey jew-jew."" "Look at this dais:" "Jonah hill," "Seth rogen, jeff ross," "Andy samberg, nick kroll." "I feel like the hot counselor at hebrew camp." "The room is buzzing tonight," "And not just from the flies around aziz's relatives." "Jonah hill, I loved you as a baseball analyst in "moneyball,"" "And I love you as rosie o'donnell in real life." "Jonah was born and raised in hollywood," "And you can tell." "He's a name-dropper" "With big tits and an eating disorder." " That's a fucking great joke." " Andy samberg." "Hi, how are you?" "Andy's comedy group is called the lonely island," "Which is how each of his teeth feel." " I got 'em fixed." " Andy, I'm looking forward" "To the sad acoustic version of "dick in a box"" "At lorne michael's open-casket funeral." " What is this?" " Nick kroll!" "Nick!" "Your fan must be so excited you're here!" "No, nick, I love "kroll show."" "You are amazing at characters." "You're like a chameleon..." "In that you have hideous skin and bulging eyes." "Bill hader, you are this generation's phil hartman..." "Hopefully." " Jesus fucking christ." " ( audience moans )" " Sarah silverman's had more ugly men inside her than comic-con." "Kim kardashian is here." "Oh, that's aziz." "Sorry." "I get 'em confused, they're both brown narcissists" "Riding kanye's dick." "No, aziz is only in show business" "Because he's too ugly to be a genie." "My third wish, aziz, is that you stop screaming your punch lines." "I saw your special." "If I wanted to get yelled at by a humorless indian," "I'd read a magazine at 7-eleven." "No, they love aziz in india." "He was recently awarded india's highest honor..." "Soap." "James franco..." "Acting, teaching, directing," "Writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing" "Is there anything you can do?" "No, at first I wasn't sure why james would do this roast," "And then I saw "spring breakers" and I was like, "oh, he'll do anything."" "James has a new reality show coming out on the ovation network-- wow." "Finally something so awful that even t.L.C. Was like," ""nah, we're good."" "James, you're hard to roast." "I mean, you're so dreamy." "I mean, something about you, I just wanna please you." "I just wanna take you back to my hotel room," "Take off all your clothes and let a man fuck you." "No, I'll fuck you, james." "I just wanna put a bag over your career choices." "You're a fantastic artist." "Thank you, I feel honored to be here." "Thank you." "Thank you." " Coming up is the man who made s.N.L. Funny again..." "By leaving." "Please welcome andy samberg!" " Hey, everyone." "So, uh..." "I just flew in from new york" "And boy, are my arms fine!" "Because seth rogen gave me a ride on his private jet." "Way to be thoughtful and generous when you had nothing to gain from it, pussy." "I'm kidding." "Super appreciate the hookup." "But seriously, seth, what's up with your gigantic tux?" "I'd be swimming in that thing..." "If I could swim!" "Burned you!" "I can't swim." "Roastmaster-- check." "Let's see, who else should I lampoon?" "Wow, look at this dais-- a word I knew before tonight." "Someone must have told the producer" "That this was a panel of kenny rogers roasters, 'cause you guys are a bunch of chickens!" "Thank you." "It's a chicken-based restaurant, I researched that." "The "lovely" sarah silverman is here." "I hate to break it to you, sarah, but you're getting older." "And you know who else is getting older?" "My mom." "I'm scared she's gonna die soon." "What's that gonna be like?" "Roasted you." "Roasted sarah." "Okay, who's my next victim?" "Huh." "Natasha leggero is here." "She's, uh-- she's basically a complete unknown," "But tonight we're gettin' paid the same amount of ¶ money!" "Uh ah, got you." "Well, guess what, natasha?" "You can do everything I can do," "But I can never experience the miracle of birthing a child." "Roasted you." "Roast-afari." "Like a reggae guy." "Here's one:" "Nick kroll, bill hader, and seth rogen walk into a bar." "They're there to pick me up because I'm an alcoholic who can't manage my feelings!" "Nailed you fuckers!" "Suck a butt!" "Uh, is there a barista here?" "'cause this roast just got dark!" "Who else?" "Who else wants the wrath?" "My good friend aziz ansari is here." "Aziz's parents are from india and he's from south carolina." "Hey, aziz, what's it like to have a unique perspective" "On what it means to be american, you bag of shit?" "Roasting so hard right now." "It's like at boston market in here, 'cause I'm roasting all these kenny rogers chickens." "Jonah hill is here." "Jonah is so dumb that when he had me over for a dinner party," "I overstayed my welcome and he pretended to be tired" "So I would leave without getting my feelings hurt." "You a passive-aggressive sweetheart, jonah!" "Just ask me to leave." "But I did wanna stay." "Who else is here?" "Uh..." "Oh yeah, god is here." "God is everywhere, okay?" "He walks with me through sunshine and rain." "He protects me from temptation." "He is my light." "Roasted the father!" "On the sacrilege tip." "Expect letters, comedy central." "If you don't want controversy, you shouldn't have invited the king!" "Whoo!" "And now we come to james franco." "Everyone's always talking about-- - ( laughing )" " Thanks, bill." "It's my old homey." "Hey, everyone's always talking about how good-looking you are, james." "And they are spot on." "You're so handsome" "You remind me of the man who broke up my parents' marriage." "Bam, boston market!" "Did you know james franco was on "general hospital"?" "A crappy soap opera!" "It's like you don't let your ego" "Get in the way of your artistic path." "What is that, kenny rogers?" ""oz the great and powerful"?" "More like a movie that transported me to a magical wonderland." "Good one." "Thanks." "Hey!" "Here's a fun fact:" "James franco has a tiny dick." "Yeah, I said it." "James's dick is so small" "That I had to suck it for, like, three hours just to get him hard." "And then it got way bigger." "Like, scary big." "I was like, "you want me to do what with that?"" "Anyways, he railed on me up the ass, up and inside of my asshole" "With his gigantic "planet of the apes" cock." "Huh..." "James is so bad in bed" "That he doesn't even clean his jizz off my back when he's finished." "Talk about chivalry is dead" "A gentleman, sir, you are not!" "Ahhh..." "You guys, don't be homophobic." "Seriously, it's 2005." "Grow up." "Hey, james, knock knock." " Who's there?" " I think about you when I jerk off." "Hey, guys, can you try and settle down out there?" "I'm trying to roast up here." "I don't go down to your job and knock james franco's dick out of my mouth." "You never take me anywhere, james!" "I sucked your dick, man!" "So these are classic roast jokes." "Jeff ross knows what I'm talking about." "You melting hippo." "Look..." "All I'm saying..." "All I'm saying is this:" "James has force-fed me so much dick" "That you can make foie gras out of my liver." "That's a foodie joke about dicks." "You guys, this has been great." "Let's always remember this." "And, james, you are a super strange guy and I like that." "Because you've had every opportunity to be boring and you didn't." "So congrats." "And congrats to all of us for being here tonight" "And being so mean to each other, because it's a tradition" "And we're all terrified." "Thank you." " Our next roaster" "Could have been in the movie "life of pi,"" "But producers thought they'd get a better performance" "Out of someone who's literally never acted" "In anything ever in his whole life." "Please welcome aziz ansari." " Thank you." "Thank you so much, everyone." "This is so cool." "I've actually never done any of these roasts before." "But hey, they told me this roast is different." "You know, they got a contemporary relevant celebrity," "James franco, and they got his actual friends to roast him." "Very cool idea." "If that's the plan though," "Why am I here?" "I don't know james at all." "You guys saw "this is the end."" "I've been up here longer than I was in "this is the end."" "The funniest part of "this is the end" to me" "Is if james actually had that party," "I don't think I would have been invited." "Natasha leggero is here." " And yes, natasha, sometimes in my set," "I do yell." "And so would you" "If you toured for more than tens of people." " Yeah!" " But natasha had a fantastic set." "It's-- yeah, that was so funny." "It's a shame she didn't say her jokes eight times slower though" "So people actually had a chance to catch it" "When they fast-forward her on their d.V.R." "This is my impression of natasha's set" "As it will be seen on most television sets:" ""ladies and gentlemen, natasha leggero." "Thank you so much, james."" "Jonah hill is here." " ( applause ) - yes." "I do think one day jonah" "Will win an oscar..." "Meyer hot-dog eater of the millennium award." "Look this guy is a huge star." "He's hanging out with the brad pitts" "And the leonardo dicaprios of the world." "If I was hanging out with those guys," "You think I'd still get brunch with nick kroll?" "No, of course not." "That's how successful jonah is." "He had to get new friends." "That's my new career goal," "To never see nick kroll again." "Sarah silverman is here." "Some of the guys here tonight really taking me to task" "Over one kanye west joke" "I did in my stand-up act five years ago." "If anyone wants to make fun of any jokes sarah did five years ago," "Please don't." "She's still doing those jokes." "Also, I think it's so cool" "That some of you guys were able to travel back in time" "To 1995 for those indian jokes you did." "That's so cool." "Man!" "Those stereotypes are so outdated." "My god." "There's more indian dudes doing sitcoms" "Than there are running 7-elevens." "We're straight up snatching roles from white actors." "My last three roles were randy, chet and tom." "Jeff ross is here... 'cause he never left since the last roast." "He has nowhere else to go." "It's so sad." "He lives in the dressing room." "But hey, jeff is really good at roasting, okay?" "Even if they canceled the comedy central roast," "You'd still see jeff out there" "Somewhere roasting..." "A dead rat over a garbage fire" "Because he'd be homeless" "And he'd need to make a nice dinner that evening." "I saw jeff at the comedy club the other night." "A woman comes up to him and says, "hey," "If you're who I think you are, I'm definitely sleeping with you tonight."" "And he goes "hell yeah, I'm jeff ross."" "And she goes, "oops, sorry." "I thought you were the main orc from 'the lord of the rings.'"" "I wrote that joke before you did that to your hair too." "But we're here for james franco." "Yes." " ( cheering )" " So many gay jokes tonight." "Wow, so many gay jokes about franco." "Apparently if you're clean, well-dressed" "And mildly cultured you're super gay now." "Is that why the rest of you guys" "Are so aggressively fat and dirty?" "You think if you read one book and take a shower," "Dicks are just gonna fly into your face?" "Franco, I don't know you that well," "But I'm glad you had me here." "And later tonight, I'm looking forward to you coming up here" "And doing what you do best-- being mildly funny" "Reading material seth rogen has written for you." "Thank you guys very much." " All right, our next roaster very cleverly came dressed" "As one of the characters from james's films." "Here he is dressed as the hot-air balloon from "oz the great and powerful,"" "Jeffrey ross!" " Whoa-oh-oh!" "How you guys doin'?" "I love it." "What an epic night!" "First off, I'd like to thank my niece seth rogen for hosting." "Oh man!" "I saw your mall cop movie." "What was it called?" " "observe and report." - yeah." "It made me realize how funny kevin james is." "How many people saw "this is the end"?" " Awesome movie." "I loved all you guys in "this is the end." I really did." "You played yourselves, that was so cool." "How'd you guys you get into character on set?" "Did they pass out smoothies that taste like judd apatow's asshole?" "Look at these fat guys laughing." "I love it." "In "this is the end," jonah hill gets raped" "By a demon with a big black cock!" "The cock didn't have to be big or black," "But you know jonah with his demands." "Actually jonah almost couldn't make it tonight" "Because he had trouble finding a tuxedo that changed in sizes every three hours." "Ooh!" "Jonah, you're an amazing talent." "I love you as the ku klux klan guy in "django unchained."" "That was a great role." "You should wear a sheet over your face in every movie." "What was that, a california king?" "It was big." "When jonah's agent told him that quentin tarantino" "Wanted him to be in a spaghetti western," "Jonah was like, "you had me at spaghetti."" "Jonah hill!" "Jonah hill..." "What's that?" " Spaghetti western." " Spaghetti western." "You like that?" " I like that." " I love you, jonah." "You're a good guy." " I fucking love you, dude." " Great to see sarah silverman." "She's the greatest." "So funny tonight." "You're like a sister to me." "I'm so proud of you, sarah, for your success" "In the animated movie." "Anybody see "wreck-it ralph"?" "Wow." "Which is what guys do to your pussy." "They wreck it, then they ralph." "Bill hader." "Holy mackerel, so hilarious." "That was great." "Too bad you can't do an impression of a guy with two equally sized eyes." "Man!" "Look at that!" "Get a close-up!" "I've heard of a lazy eye," "But that left one's collecting unemployment." "Aziz, I wanted to make some jokes about you bombing tonight," "But you were so goddamn funny I can't and, uh..." "I mean, seriously, aziz, you were hil... ( ululates ) ...Larious." "Aziz has been charming audiences and snakes for years." "And I guess you're here tonight because now that kanye" "Had a real baby, he doesn't need you anymore." "How ya doin', franco?" "You look like johnny depp with lupus." "Does ryan gosling ever call you, start laughing and then hang up?" "Franco is half italian and half-asleep." "How about a hand for james's grandma, 91 years old." "Beautiful." "Look at her!" "Wow!" ""127 hours" is how long she has left." " Get him, grandma." "Get him." "Get him!" " Oh..." "Oh, franco." "Franco comes from humble beginnings, right?" "Your first job was working at mcdonald's." "It was the last time anybody ever said about your work, "I'm lovin' it."" "Oh." "And because you're an academic" "I treated this roast like a research project." "I watched all your films." "I read your poetry." "I even have one of your paintings hanging in my fire pit." "You know, franco, personally I don't care if you fuck guys or fuck girls." "All I know is you fucked me out of 12 bucks when I went to see that wizard of oz movie." "The whole time I was in the theater I was thinkin'," ""there's no place like home."" "But, franco, I'm really looking forward" "To you mumbling your rebuttal at the end of the show." "Are you ready to bring it, franco?" "Let's hope you-- that's good." "I'm psyched." "Let's hope you bring some of that razor-sharp wit" "You brought to the oscars." "You were a worse host than the aids monkey." "Face it, franco, you and anne hathaway" "Had the comedic chemistry of trayvon martin and george zimmerman." "Anyway, franco, I really do admire you" "Because you're a creative risk-taker" "During a time when the world needs more of that." "So I wish you continued success and..." "I hope I wasn't too mean tonight" "Because my girlfriend and I both wanna fuck you after the show." "All right, good luck, buddy." " All right!" "It is time for the man of the hour." "Get ready." "Are you ready?" "He's been sitting here for hours squirming," "Waiting for this to end." "So now he knows how we feel when we watch" "One of his piece-of-shit independent movies." "Please welcome up my good buddy james franco." " ¶ james franco" "¶ james franco, james franco ¶" "¶ I say james, y'all say franco ¶" "¶ james franco, james franco ¶" "¶ I say james, y'all say franco ¶" "¶ james franco, james franco ¶" " ¶ franco, franco..." " Thank you." "I do think this-- this is truly my punishment" "For the oscars." "America and the rest of the world" "Can have a cathartic moment after this airs." "And I wanna thank everybody here." "Thank you for coming." "I had no idea what you were gonna be into." "And, jonah, thank you most of all!" "I" "When you said yes, I didn't know that you were gonna be" "Listening to these jokes for two hour" "I had no idea what a friend you are." " I love you." " I love you, jonah." "Thank you." "I agreed to do this roast" "Because I really wanted to do something I'd never done before," "Something that has zero artistic value," "Something nobody will remember three months from now," "Something that's offensive, homophobic," "Stars horrifically untalented people," "And something that's only a big deal" "To a handful of teenage stoners on twitter." "Now you might say, "but, james, didn't you just describe 'your highness'?"" "I wouldn't know." "I didn't see "your highness."" "And you know why I didn't see "your highness"?" "Because I was too busy working, creating," "Writing poetry, painting, making independent films" "And building psycho-sexual edible birdhouses." "And despite all of my amazing, inspiring work," "I've had to sit here," "Listen to you guys launch vicious attacks at me," "And all of them are completely unfounded." "You're gonna say I sucked at the oscars." "I was a genius" "At the oscars." "That was experimental tuxedo-sleep-art." "Now you're gonna say I'm a pretty boy." " And you don't know how painful that is." "I'm always typecast as the same guy" "You know, the handsome wizard" "And handsome meth dealer" "And the handsome clumsy amputee hiker." "Just once I'd like to play" "Some of the diverse roles that nick kroll gets, like..." "The rat-faced attorney," "Or the rat-faced maitre d'," "Or the rat-faced children's hospital doctor." "And you're gonna say I'm effeminate" "Just because I feel comfortable in a flowing ball gown." "I mean, if I'm wearing the high heels," "How am I not gonna wear a beautiful gown?" "And I know that I look terrific as a woman." "And I'm certainly doing a better job of it" "Than that guy over there dressed as sarah silverman." "Now seth was really hilarious tonight," "But the jokes suggesting that I was gay" "Coming from you, seth..." "It really hurts!" "Because it reminds me" "Of the time on the set of "pineapple express"" "When seth rogen tried to rape me." "Forced his way into my dressing room," "Blew pot smoke into my mouth" "P-- and he pinned me beneath his sweaty," "Heaving, shlubby body." "Luckily he was distracted by the sound of an ice-cream truck outside..." "And I managed to break free." "But, seth, the incident did inspire my latest painting entitled" ""seth rogen is a gay stoner rapist."" "Now you say you don't understand my movies?" "Well, I don't understand my movies." "In "oz," I was followed around the whole time" "By an excitable little monkey dressed like a bellboy." "Why was he dressed like a bellboy?" "Well, what am I asking you for?" "Aziz, why were you dressed like a bellboy?" "All right, so you guys think I'm pretentious." "Well, james franco addressed james franco being pretentious" "In his book "james franco."" "But it's-- ( snickers ) but it's not just me." "Look at how full of himself" "Jonah's become since his oscar nomination." "Don't forget where you came from, pal." "Sure, you're buddies with brad pitt and channing tatum," "But I was your first handsome friend." "Before you get too cocky, remember, I was there in "this is the end"" "When you were getting brutally ass-rammed by that demon." "We both know the only way the demon could keep his erection" "Was because he was thinking about me." "So all night I've had to sit here and listen to everyone's jokes," "Pretending to be amused by them, but in reality the joke's on all of you." "This is not a roast." "This is my greatest," "Most elaborate art installation ever." "I'm not the real guest of honor" "And these aren't real comedians" "And we're not even on a real network." "What you've seen tonight was my brilliant opus" "To sequester an artistic visionary" "And subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings" "Of a scattering of miscreated, talentless abnormalities." "I call it "genius unscathed"" "And this is my masterpiece." "There's only one thing missing..." "My signature." "That says, "james franco, bitches."" "Thank you." "Good night!" " ¶ franco, franco" "¶ fra-fra-franco, james franco ¶" "¶ james franco, franco" "¶ fra-fra-franco, james franco... ¶" " Thanks, brother." " Yeah." " Thanks again." " Great job, buddy." "Awesome, hilarious." " Thank you." " Now I'm going to burning man." " Are you really?" " Yeah." " Goddamn it." "Goddamn it, I actually love you." " You're a real friend." " Yeah, I am," "And I love you." " Thank you for being a good sport." "You're so sweet." " I laughed a lot, man." " That was fun, dude." " You guys were great." " ( kisses ) ah." " Everybody was good." " That was awesome, man." "You did such a good job, man." " You're so great, sarah." "That was so funny." " You are too." "It was so fun." " You're so awesome." " It was one of the best roasts I ever saw." " I want this picture." " A night to remember." " Thanks for coming out." " Hey, no problem, buddy." " Great job, man." " Thanks for coming out." " You're a fucking good sport for all of this." " Thank you, brother." " Thanks, man." "No problem." " You guys were great." "You guys were great." "You guys were pros." "You're a pro, brother." " Everyone was solid." "Everybody was great and different." " Good night, darlings." " Thank you so much, james." "That was fun." "Bye." " Good night, everybody." " Everybody was funny." "Everybody took it well, and..." " Good?" "Everyone good?" " I don't know." "This one'll go down in roast history."