"This is Paul Slippery." "This is what's inside his brain." " He's naked!" " Can you not think of anything else but sex?" "I will have you, Slippery." "I will suck you dry." "Paul!" " Dad!" " That's disgusting!" "No, Rory, put that axe down!" "He is a man in crisis." "Is it time he did something about it?" "Maybe it is." "What?" "We don't seem to have sex anymore." "Wow." "That's been full on." "We don't, tough, do we?" "What are you asking me for?" "If we had, I wouldn't remember it." " God, Paul." " What...?" "You're saying that this is my fault?" "I didn't say that." "What is the matter with you?" "Why are you being so horrible to me?" "Rory and Dan are moving out, remember?" " People grow up, Estelle." " Not you, it seems." " It may not mean that much to you..." " It means a lot to me!" "...but it's the end of a whole stage of my life, and I haven't got time to deal with it properly." "It affects me just as much, Estelle." "I just don't see there's any point in wringing your hands about it." " You think I'm wringing my hands?" " No, I..." "Whose is this?" ""Hypnotism: the way to reduce stress by confrontational thinking."" ""Read this book and you'll never be the same again."" "Maybe that's what you need, to be sent into a trance." "Yeah, and get sawn in half by a conjourer." " Hypnotism, my arse." " Hypnotism can help people." "Really?" "Help them do what?" "Get girls' knickers off?" "No, help people solve their problems." "It was invented by a doctor." "Never know, could help you solve yours." ""A good hypnotic subject is open to the power of the mind, and receptive to new experiences."" "You'd be crap, then." "What do you mean?" "I'm receptive to new experiences!" "No, you're not, you're the sort of neurotic Englishman, who represses everything and then runs amok with an axe, murdering everybody." "Why is it run amok?" "What is it with amok?" "Can you walk amok?" "I don't think I can bear this anymore." "Did you just..." " Did I just hear..." " Oh God, no, please, please." "Not the voices." "No, not the voices, the voices." "You have absolutely no interest or sympathy for me, have you?" "Really." "I mean, really." "I'm going to work early because Gwendolen has called me in for a meeting." "She's probably gonna sack me." "A fat lot you care about that or anything else for that matter." "This is sort of mine, do you mind if I take it?" "No, no." "Take it." "Take it." "Take the bloody kitchen sink for all I care." "Mum?" "Mum?" "Bit upset about you guys leaving." "How brilliantly perceptive of you." "Hold on, those are my pants!" "These are categorically not your pants." "I think I know my own pants when I see them." "I think I wanna be seen dead wearing your pants." "No, it's important what pants you'll get seen dead in." "You get hit by a bus, you don't want to embarrass the nurse with an unseemly pant." " I'm gonna miss you guys." " We're only around the corner." "Can I take "A hundred years of solitude"?" "No." "Uhm, yes." "No." "Yes." "Maybe." "You're falling into a deep sleep under which you'll obey my every command." "And when you wake up, you'll forget you ever had any possessions at all." "Can't believe this is all you own after nearly quarter of a century on the planet." "Oh, don't look now, but Edwin's in the upstairs window." " Looks like he's in mourning." " Maybe we should wave or something." "He's got Woj, guys." "All right, come on, chaps." "To 33A Alluvial Road, Clap and Queen's Mackem." "Stiff upper lip." "Passing is such sweet sorrow and all that." "At least you'll be able to get into the bathroom now." "We all have to do it." "We grow up, we move away from home." "We leave our parents behind while they... you know... die." "We've got the Kaiser Sach people at 11:00." "Are you on top of that?" "Yes, I'm..." "I'm so sorry I've been rather useless recently." "But it was here, how can it not be here?" "It really was here..." "I'm sorry." "I'm just gonna miss Rory and Daniel so much." "Get your coat." "I want to show you something." "This is..." "This is really nice." "Your mother and I shared a place like this before we were married." "With a bloke called Pervis." " Did you have feelings for Pervis?" " I did, yes." "Severe distaste." "He had this habit of labeling things in the fridge." ""This is my milk!" "Half of this bacon is mine!"" "Well, I have to go." "What about a drink at the end of the day?" "It'd be nice." "Are you and mum okay?" "I don't know." "I'll tell you this evening." "This is really nice." "Isolation" "Desolation" "Deadly vermin in your hair" "No inclination" "For masturbation" "You will not find your true love there..." "Hi." "Hi." " You're here." " I am, yeah." "How'd you get in?" "Through the black door." "All right." "You gave me a key." "I remember." "You look terrible." "Never thought I'd miss my brothers." "But I really do." "Man, 84, murders wife." "A Darbyshire man pleaded guilty yesterday to battering his wife of 60 years to death with a hammer." "He told the judge:" ""We haven't had sex since 1959."" ""Enough is enough."" " Jesus." " You've a long way to go, Paul." "Hi, Paul." "How are we?" "We're pretty rough, actually, Pilfrey, old bean." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Is there anything I can do?" "You know, it's funny." "Since your breakdown, you turned into a really nice guy." " I try." " To be honest, I've..." "I was nervous about you coming back, and now you..." " You know..." " I know." "I know." "See, the thing is that..." "Estelle and I..." "we're not..." "We're not really... you know..." "And a while ago I thought I could hear what people were thinking." " I remember." " You do?" "Well, that... that seemed to wear off, then this morning it seemed to come back again." "Do you know what you need?" " What do I need?" " Hypnotherapy." "You see, that's really strange." "Do you believe in hypnotism?" "You think you can reduce stress by confrontational thinking?" "It helped me with my recent troubles." "I believe in it totally." "It can make a new man out of you." "You do need treatment, Paul." "Yeah, but... who's qualified to... put me under or help me regress or whatever?" "Moi." "And now you're breathing in time." "With the sound of those waves gently lapping on the shore." "And you're allowing yourself to drift away... into a deep sleep." "In which you'll forget all your troubles and your worries." "And you hear only my voice." "Can you hear me, Paul?" " I can hear you." " Good." "Very good." "Now Paul, I'm gonna count backwards from five." "When I reach zero, you will be in a deep sleep." "Five..." "Four..." "Three..." "Two..." "One... and when I snap my fingers, you will be sound asleep." "Zero." "Good." "Now Paul, hold up both your hands in front of you." "Now I want you to let them go all floppy, say you're a puppet and someone cut your strings." "Funny, isn't it?" "Few weeks ago we were sworn enemies, and now... you're completely in my power." "Are you in my power, Paul?" "I'm in your power." "Good." "This marks from when he used my head as a battering ram." "1994." "It was at a party." "Jake Furbisher was in there with Fennella Warns." "Yeah, you must... really miss all those stuff you used to do together." "They hung me from this banister rail when I was six." " What, by the neck?" " That was the initial idea, I'm sure." "But in the end they settled for a hook in the seat of my pants." "What are you gonna do, Edwin?" "I'm gonna leave home, too." "Oh right, and where are you gonna live?" "Dover." "Somewhere in there are some MarksSpencer's codfish cakes, with panchetta and salsa verde." "Let's drink our way through to them." "Now sit up straight." "I want you to go way back." "Way, way back." "As far back as you can remember." "What can you remember, Paul?" " Tricycle." " Tricycle?" "Good, what else can you remember?" "Cornflakes." "Milk." "I've got cornflakes." "There's a submarine in the packet." "Do you play with the submarine, Paul?" "It goes underwater in the milk." "That's nice." "But things aren't always so nice, are they, Paul?" "Later on there's something happened." "Yes, you've gone away to prep school, haven't you, Paul?" "No... no girls there, I suppose." "Girls are wet and weedy." "We don't have any girls." " Hold old are you, Paul?" " 11 and a half." "So there." "How old are you?" "Forty-five." "Forty-one!" "Sit down, Paul, listen to me." "We're gonna go on a little journey, Paul." "You've grown up now, you like girls." "Can you say that for me?" "I like girls." "Wow." "It's lovely." "Also it's very quiet, nobody bothers me." "But you haven't brought me here to show me your flat." "Yes, I have." "Spare room." "Oh, I see!" "And what are you looking for, a professional person?" "No pets?" "I can't really imagine pets here." "I'm offering it to you." "Me?" "You want me to move in with you?" "Look... you and me..." "We're so like a car crash waiting to happen, right?" "Right." "Right." "Well..." "Let's let it happen." " Not... stop it before it does?" " No." "Not strangle in its cradle, if you can strangle a car crash in its cradle..." "No." "You want... physical stuff?" "And stuff?" " If that's okay." " It might be okay." "I'm not offering you anything more than a room, Estelle." "You seem so beleaguered." "I suppose I haven't been apart from Paul for more than a day or two at a time for twenty years." "The room is yours for as long as you want it." "We could stand outside at night and make witty conversation." "Like "Privet Lives"." "Like "Privet Lives"." "It's funny, with the boys going away" "I just didn't realise how much time they all took." "Hasn't quite sunk in yet." "I'll call Paul." "Invite him to lunch!" "How old are you now, Paul?" "Old enough for you, baby." "Do you know a girl called Estelle?" "She said she'd call." "Why hasn't she called?" ""Don't keep me hanging on the telephone..."" " "Don't keep me..."" " Paul, Paul." "What's Estelle like?" "Estelle gave me something." "And I gave her something." "And if I can find it, I know we'll be all right again." "What did Estelle give you?" "Did she give you confidence, Paul?" "Is that what she gave you?" "What did you give her?" "You're meeting Estelle for the first time." "Where are you?" "At a party." "Are you a student?" "I'm at medical school." "She's there." "But she's not a medic, she's more the artsy-type." "How do you meet?" "I look at her across the room..." "She's eating a piece of pineapple." "Yes?" "And I love her." " Pilfrey, did you see..." " Surinder, Surinder." "I'm in the middle of something with Paul." "Fine, I'll catch you later, Paul." "Who loves ya, baby?" "You like that lady, don't you, Paul?" "I do." " She likes you." " You think?" "Women like you, Paul." "I've always resented that." "We're gonna play a little joke on these women." "A very funny joke." "Now, I want you to listen to me very, very carefully." " Some things I won't do." " I respect that." "I'd like... you know..." "an advance warning for any... hands-on stuff." "Right." " Like a kiss or something." " Right." "Yeah." "How much advance warning?" "A week?" "You know, a week's a long time in politics." " An hour?" " 20 minutes?" "30 seconds?" "You're cool, Woj." "You can... try it sort of anytime from now if you like." " I'm cool." " You are." "Well... here I come." "Ready or not." " Uhm, I'm ready for you." " That's good." "In your own time." "Fine." "We're gonna go right up to the present now, Paul." "Every time you see a woman, and you feel turned on by her, aroused by her..." "Yes?" "Yes." "You're gonna do something very funny." "Am I?" "You're gonna make a noise like a chicken." " A chicken?" " Yes." "You're going to be a chicken." "You're going to go "puk-puk-puk"." "And all these women... they're gonna be at your feet, Paul." "They're going to love you're a chicken." "Okay." "Now, you're looking at a woman." "She's turning you on." "Wonderful, wonderful!" "Now, when I'm with you and I snap my fingers, you're gonna go to sleep." "Lovely." "Now, Paul, I'm gonna count backwards from five." "When I reach zero, you will be awake, refreshed, and you'll think of me as your friend." "Five..." "Four..." "Three..." "Two..." "One, and when I clap my hands, you will be fully awake..." "Zero." "Okay, Pilfrey, I'm ready." "Feeling good." "So, hypnotise me." "Maybe later." "Isn't this your brother's room?" "Not anymore." "We can now move freely between all three sleeping areas." "Paul?" "We need to talk." "Yes, we certainly do!" "You and I need to..." "I want you to come and have lunch with Gwendolen and me." "Can you be at Le Lumiere at 1:00?" "Yes, she's..." "She's put a proposition to me." "A proposition?" "What kind of proposition?" "Does it involve a hotel?" "How come there's three of us in this marriage?" "Do I have to bring a lawyer to lunch?" "Is everything all right?" "In fact, I'll tell you what." "I'm bringing Pilfrey!" "Ronnie Pilfrey is coming with me." " Why?" " Because I want him to, all right?" "Paul?" "Could you keep your voice down, please?" "You bring the dyke, I bring Pilfrey." "Don't call her a dyke!" " Why not?" " Because... just don't!" "She can call herself a dyke, but you can't." "She'll be taking you away to DM next." "Why would she want to take me away to DM?" "What do you think?" "Because she wants to sleep with you!" "Paul, I'm gonna put the phone down now." "God, I'm so sorry that you heard that." "Don't be." "He can't separate the fact that I'm gay from the problems you're having." "I know, but..." "I've got nothing against the word dyke, actually." "I always assume it refers to other people." "It was... just like an ultimatum!" "It wasn't like an ultimatum, it was an ultimatum!" "Be there at 1:00, and I'll bring my lesbo chum." " Maybe..." " Maybe what?" "Maybe you need to put up a fight for her." "Listen, if you're serious, I'm happy to come." "If you think it'll help." "I don't think that's such a good idea." "Why not?" "What have you got against Ronnie?" "Oh, it's Ronnie now, is it?" "Ronnie's my name." "Thank you, Paul." "I'd love to come to lunch." "What?" "Ronnie's my mate!" "You're much more than that, Surinder." " Am I?" " Yeah, you're... you're..." "You're nice and dependable... lovely and gorgeous..." "Always be my friend, Paul." "Always make that chicken noise." "Are we ready to order?" "I'm not hungry." "All right, let's leave it for a moment or two." "I understand the rib of beef is excellent, but it's for two." "What's he doing here?" "He's my friend." "What's she doing here?" "Gwendolen has made me a..." "A what?" "A quilt?" "A lemon meringue pie, what?" "Go ahead, Estelle." "I'm here to help." "I'm but a tool." "I've been parched." "I'm not the man I was." "You're not the woman you were, and Paul's not the man he was." "What about the waiters?" "Are they the waiters they were?" "Or have they been "parched"?" "Carry on, Estelle." "Gwendolen has offered me the use of her flat for a while while we sort things out." "I see." "It's only a temporary thing, I'm sure, it's just that we seem to be all..." "All messed up." "When did we last have sex?" "1959." "Sorry?" "What's 1959?" "Sorry, it's nothing." "It's just I thought I heard... the voices..." "Well, I thought..." "Going mad." "Sorry." "Paul is going through trauma, I've been through a trauma." " What made my trauma particularly..." " Dr Pilfrey." "Why don't we let Estelle and Paul work out their own problems?" "I just don't know what's happening to us at the moment, Paul." "Should we order now?" "Allow me." "Garçon!" "That's a female." "Sorry?" "Paul!" "Hello!" "Hello." "Paul?" "Darling, are you all right?" "What's wrong with him?" "Classic trauma symptom." "He's taking refuge in sleep." "Paul." "Wake up!" "Our lovely waitress is here." "What do you think?" "You want the chicken?" "Paul, for God's sakes, what's the matter with you?" "Right, we got the message." "What've you done to him?" "Look, I'm sorry about this." "Could you give us a moment to collect our thoughts?" "Paul, it's Ronnie, are you listening to me?" "Yes, Pilfrey, I'm listening, old bean." "Estelle is trying to say something to you." "Shut up!" "Paul, look at me!" "Look at your wife, Paul." "Paul, what are you gonna do about our marriage?" " Ronnie?" " Yes, Paul?" "What am I supposed to say?" "That is it!" "Don't expect me home tonight, Gwendolen will tell you where I am." "Oh for God's sake, Paul, say something!" "Even if it's just goodbye!" "I'm starving." "Why did you clap your hands?" "I find that the waitresses respond quicker to that particular stimulus." "People are like machines, really." "You just need to know which buttons to press." "Right, have you decided now?" "You two deserve each other." "Excuse me." "What's happened with her?" "And where's Estelle?" "Do you still want the chicken?" "The what?" "Isn't it odd?" "Isn't what odd?" "After you've had four or five..." "Or six." " Or six..." " Lagers..." "Yeah." "What about after you've had four or five or six lagers?" "What?" "What about it?" "You don't want any more." "No." "But after you've..." "you know..." "What?" "With a woman..." "Yes?" "It is endless really, isn't it?" "What is?" "The longing." "Suppose it is, really." "Want another lager?" "Get one." " Sorry." " Thank you, Gwendolen." " She didn't..." " No." "She's gone home to get her things." "All right." "Thanks." "Bye." "What news?" "Estelle's gone home to pick up her stuff." "I just don't know what came over me at lunch." "Maybe Gwendolen slipped something in my drink." "I should get home and talk to her." "Of course, I'll cover for you." "You're in no fit state to work." "Surinder, you're a real pal." " Is he all right?" " Yes." "It's so sad, isn't it?" "Such a shame." " What is?" " What's happening to our friend." "Tell me, has he made any noises?" "What?" "Has he made any... animal noises?" "As a matter of fact, he did make a noise like a chicken." "Why'd you ask?" "Because he did that to me earlier, I found it very disturbing." "Really?" "I love it." "Not when you do it, Pilfrey." "But I can try." "My little Indian love goddess." "I can try." "Quick, upstairs!" "Too late!" "Hide!" "Just hide!" " Hi." " Hi." "You're not at school." "Thought I'd do some... athletics." "Look, darling, I've gotta go away for a couple of days, okay?" "Oh, I cannot believe these are here since last summer." "Corsica, remember?" "We all went up to the mountains and got lost." "God, it was so beautiful." "The sun shone every day." "It rained once, actually." "This is the one." " I've never stopped fancying him, Lucy." " Daniel or Rory?" "Are you gonna ring it or am I?" " You do it." " No, you do it." " No, you do it." " No, you do it!" "I don't know what to say." "What if they don't want us?" "Someone's coming." "Quick, let's go!" " Is it safe to come out yet?" " She's still upstairs." "Yes, I found this on the stairs." "And these in the hall?" "They're not mine, I swear!" "No." "Be good, darling." "Look after him, Woj." "Yeah, I'll try, Mrs Slippery." "What was she on about?" "Didn't look too good, did she?" "Maybe Paul'll leave, too." "And then we could do it all over the house!" "I swear, I heard Lucy's voice." "That's how it starts." "You think you hear their voices in the wind." "Then you see them everywhere." "Every passing spaniel has Lucy's face." "I heard her voice." "They're not coming back, Dan!" "You screwed it up by shagging Laura," "I screwed it up by convincing myself I fancied Lucy, end of story!" "It's just you and me, and 300 cans of lager." "Hello?" "Is anybody home?" "Is there anyone under that blanket?" "No." "No." " Did Estelle come back?" " She did." "Then she left again." "With a suitcase." "You all right?" "Not great." "Anyone else under there?" " Hello, Woj." " Hi, Dr Slippery." "Anyone else?" "Is Snozzer lurking under there perhaps, or Bozz?" "No, it's... it's just us, I'm afraid." "Two people is best in bed, Woj." "Or ought to be." "He's in bad shape." "Didn't even ask if I was wearing a condom!" "I can see the flat I lived in when I first came to London." "It was 1964 and I had no money at all." "I worked for a woman called Charlotte Fox." "She was an absolute bitch." "She doesn't seem to have done you any lasting damage." "She slept with every men in town." "All men in those days had to be straight." "When did you first... know...?" "Well, I first realised I was a... dyke, when I was about 26." "I was in a restaurant with some friends." "And these girls came in." "Page 3 type girls." "And the men on the next table started to ogle." "One of them kept saying "Look at that!"" "My friends were not amused." "There was a lot of talk about the degradation of women, and the beastliness of men, but I didn't join in because I was looking at one of the girls." "A girl with auburn hair and a naughty look in her eyes... and I was thinking:" " Hi, there." " Hi." "What's the problem, dad?" "I rather like that. "Dad"." "God, look at you two." "You look great." "You look like two people who've had a really great afternoon." "God, when you're young, you just don't know what it is you've got." "There's no reason why you should know." "Part of the point in being young really is not knowing." "Life gets around to you soon enough." "Have a good afternoon." "Take whatever you need." "Dr Slippery?" "You're not gonna..." "like... do something stupid, are you?" "No, Woj, I'm not gonna hang myself this afternoon, but thanks all the same." "I'm just gonna go and see Dan and Rory." "But you two..." "have a good time." " This is weird." " Yeah." "Don't feel like it." "No, me neither." " Guess it happens." " Guess it must do." "For no one's getting done." "Everything's all right?" "Yes, I just..." "I didn't know how many books to bring." "Do you read two books at once?" "God, yes." "When I was younger, I used to have three books on the go at the same time." "I can just picture you as a ten-year-old squat." "We were married young." "We didn't know each other, not really." "I don't want you to think I'm pushing you in a direction you don't want to go." "You haven't pushed me!" "You've given me a great job!" "Isn't that what life is about these days?" "Success and earning lots and lots of money?" "Listen, I earn lots and lots of money, you just earn lots." "Stay as long or as little as you want." "Thank you." "If you really love him, you should go back." "Didn't someone set that to music?" "There'll never be anyone else for me, Dan Slippery." " I just love bastards." " I love bastards, too, cause I am a bastard and I know how nice they can be." "I'm not a bastard!" "I'm a sensitive, intense, incredibly feeling young man, who just occasionally likes to go..." " To the pub!" " Yay!" " The door was open so I..." " No, no!" "Hi." "Well, it's me." "It's really nice to see you!" "Lovely to see you, Paul." " You're a bit..." " Early, I know." "No, no, it's just we were..." "We were just about to go to the pub." "Wanna come along?" "No, it's okay." "You go, and I'll wait here." "Yeah, sure?" "Cause we're probably gonna be..." "Take as much time as you want." "You've probably got things to talk about." "It's important to talk." "Your mother and I should've talked more." "You okay?" "For God's sake, I'm fine, go!" "Go, I'll wait here." " Bye, Paul." " See you, dad!" "Bye, Paul." "I felt rather bad about taking this." "I'm not really sure it's mine." "I gave this to Estelle..." "years ago." "Rory?" "Darling, it's Estelle." "It feels really weird dialling this number." "Look, I thought I might come and see you." "Actually, I'm sort of here looking at your new front door." "And I suddenly tought maybe you're out." "Look..." "Things aren't great between your father and me, and I thought I might..." "I hate it, he's always so bad at saying what he feels, and he gets these crazy ideas all the time, and I don't feel..." "Why am I saying all this to a machine?" "Why am I not picking it up?" "People just don't communicate properly anymore, do they?" "No, they don't." "They just go and shout at each other across empty space." "Maybe you're closer to him than I am, maybe you can tell me how to get through to him..." "This is hopeless, you're obviously not here." "I'm in a real state, I don't know why I'm going on like this." "I think I'll just go." "Can you believe it?" "Little brats tried to steal this." "They didn't." "They did." "Would you like to come in?" "It's just me here, I'm afraid." "What do you think?" "It's very Pervis." "I gave you this the day we got married." "You did." "I remember exactly how you looked after we said those words." "Do you?" "I remember the registrar... actually had to say "Kiss her!"." "And you did." "I find those things difficult." "I know." "When you've been married a long time sometimes you forget..." "You forget why you're there and what you're supposed to be doing." "You forget a lot of things." "Like when we last had sex?" "13th May." "Was it really that long ago?" "That's not the only bloody issue." "I just can't believe you still hear voices!" "Yeah." " Sorry about that." " It doesn't have to be a huge problem." "In certain circumstances it could be an asset." "As in...?" "Come over and sit next to me." "I see what you mean." "I suppose forgetting things isn't all bad, is it?" "No." "You have to forget things sometimes in order to remember them." "What have you remembered?" "That I love you, I suppose." "There was only one woman for me." "Darling, can you put that down?" "Always one woman." "I just thought you ought to know that." "I love you." "I will always love you." "That's a fixed thing as far as I'm concerned." "Done deal, okay?" "When are the boys due back?" "Horribly soon, I expect." "Although... great thing about London is there's so much for young people to do." "Don't you think?" "What are you doing?" "I'm surgically removing the battery from this doorbell." "I am a doctor." "So..." "What happens now?" "I think you take off your clothes." "What if I don't want to?" "Then I would... take them off for you." "Paul, right now that's not a great choice." "It's not a choice, it's you!" "You're doing this to me!" "You make a lovely chicken." " Do I?" " Yes." "Dad!" "Dad!" "He's drawn the curtains." "What's mum's car doing here?" "You don't think..." "That's disgusting." "What are we gonna do, then?" "We could always go home, I suppose." "Yeah!" "What took us so long?" "Search me." "Did you say 3rd May?" "Can't remember, might've said 3rd February." "I don't really care." "Me neither." "I really like this place." "It's all right." "We could live here." "We could." "There's something I meant to say to you." "What's that?" "I love you, too." "I know that." "The little swine!"