"(PHONE RINGS)" "(CONTINUES RINGING)" "(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)" "Yeah." "Hi, Ma." "What?" "Oh, gee, Ma." "Tonight?" "Uh, can't." "Can't tonight." "No, 'cause..." "Because, uh, why?" "'Cause we already ate." "Yeah." "No, we already ate." "What did we have?" "We had, uh, chicken." "Yeah, we had..." "What kind of chicken?" "Uh, roasted." "Roasted chicken." "Yeah, Jamie made roasted..." "Vegetable." "Yes, we had, um, clap..." "We had clap..." "We had clappers." "Clap..." "Squash." "Squash, squash, squash." "We had squash." "Yeah." "Chicken and squash." "Dessert." "We..." "Sylvia, hi." "What time would you like us there?" "Great." "See you then." "It's just easier." "* Tell me why I love you like I do" "* Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you" "* Let's take each other's hand" "* As we jump into the final frontier" "* I'm mad about you, baby" "(PHONE RINGS)" "PAUL:" "Hi we're out." "Leave a message and we'll call you back." "(BEEPS)" "IRA:" "Hey, Paulie, you there?" "PAUL:" "I'm here." "I'm here." "IRA Come on, come on, pick up the phone." "I'm here." "I'm right here." "Right here." "Howdy." "People say "howdy."" "Well, I said it." "Listen..." "I don't know, but I said it." "Hey, you want to hear something terrific?" "We're not gonna be late." "8:00, 8:00, feel-good movie of the year." "We will be there." "Speaking of feeling good, guess what happened to me today?" "We'll like her." "Well, come on, we're gonna like her." "And I'm sure she'll like us." "I already like her." "What's her name?" "That's her name?" "No, no, no, I like her." "I like her It's just a little unusual." "What is wrong with people?" "Jamie's looking forward to it, too." "Yeah." "We'll see-- We'll see you there." "I'm walking out the door." "I'll see you." "Bye." "Guess what..." "So I'm leaving school, and I'm heading for the subway and I see this guy on the street who's-- who's got one of those tables by the curb, where he's selling, you know, books and fruit, and hosiery." "And I remember I have to buy a birthday present for Marilyn's stepdaughter." "What'd you buy, a dictionary?" "Yeah, she's going to college." "It's like 1,000 pounds." "So the guy wants $40." "Finally I talk him down to $12 if he throws in a bag of tangerines and a pair of thigh-highs." "How many words could there be?" "So, listen, so, I give him 20, and before he can give me my change, this cop comes by and chases him off." "With your change?" "Yes!" "With my change." "So, I say to the cop, "That guy right there, there he goes," ""he's got my $8." "Go get him."" "He doesn't go get him." "He lectures me about buying stuff off the street!" "Okay." "But, guess who got a big grant from the New York City Film Council." "So, then, I'm on the subway with, like, this book that weighs more than I do, and 24,000 pounds of fruit, and we get into one of those sections where the lights go out." "So, the lights go out." "They come back on." "There's this woman in an Armani suit eating one of my tangerines like I'm a buffet!" "What is wrong with these people?" "Give up?" "Me." "What?" "Me." "What?" "Grant." "Grant?" "Got it." "You got the grant." "Got the grant." "Congratulations." "What I'm trying to say..." "Like it's her God-given right!" "What?" "The tangerines." "Oh, yeah." "I'm never leaving this apartment again." "Er, well, except for to go to the movie with Ira in 15 minutes." "Right?" "Oh, that's not tonight." "It actually is." "I can't." "Oh, come on, it'll be fun." "No, no, no, no." "I'll die." "Oh, he wants us to meet this woman." "I'll hate her." "Feel-good movie of the year." "I don't feel good." "Well, luckily, they have this movie." "I can't go out there again." "Hey, we love this city." "They just gave me money." "I'll give you money." "Don't make me go." "Come on, you can't let the city get you down." "When you fall off New York, what you do?" "Get right back on." "No." "Come on, do it for me." "No." "Do it for Ira." "No." "Do it for Velma." "Velma?" "It's unusual." "Just put it on." "I don't care how hungry you are." "You don't eat out of another person's grocery bag, especially fruit." "I know." "I'll bet you that there's not anybody in a cab in this city with a bigger book on their lap." "We'll drop it off." "It'll take 10 minutes." "I'm not complaining." "Little movie-going, little present drop-off, all good things." "I got the beginning of a headache, like right before you get a headache." "Oh, I hate that." "It's like worse than the actual headache." "That's what I'm saying." "We'll get you..." "We'll stop, we'll get you aspirin." "Just ask him to turn down the music." "Er..." "Excuse me, could you... (MUSIC STOPS)" "Thank you." "Even in his culture, that's a bad song." "Left or right?" "What's that?" "You get out left side or right side?" "Oh, it's not for 20 blocks." "Well, tell me!" "Right side, right side." "Right side." "All right, so what do we know about Velma?" "Uh, not too much." "Well, where's she from?" "I don't know." "How did they meet?" "He didn't say." "Well, what did he say?" "Phenomenal sex." "That's all?" "And she was a member of the original Go-Go's." "Get out of here." "Yeah, that's what he said." "Wow." "Good for Ira." "Yeah." "I think this is it for him." "All right, let's not put that pressure on him." "No, I was actually putting it on us." "Let's not do that either." "He--He really likes her, and--and, uh, he needs us." "You know, we gotta..." "You and I have to close the deal." "I hate that." "We're like relationship whores." "Yes, we are." "Actually, we're relationship pimps, which is better 'cause we get hats." "Which Go-Go was she?" "Huh?" "Shemp." "There's a store." "Could you-- Could you pull over?" "Left side, right side?" "Just right--right here." "Tell me!" "Right side, right side, right side." "All right, I'll be right back." "Do me a favor." "Pedagogue, look it up, see if I'm using it correctly." "Get wrapping paper." "All right." "And ribbon." "Yes." "And get some scotch tape." "And a Sprite." "49th and Broadway." "Hello." "I saw it first." "I'm in here." "The guy just got out!" "(SIRENS APPROACHING) He's coming back!" "Your boyfriend fast?" "What?" "Your boyfriend run fast?" "I cannot sit here long." "The police..." "All right, first of all, he is my not my boyfriend, he's my husband." "He'll be back in two minutes." "No, two minute..." "Fast!" "Fast!" "Fast!" "Yes, my boyfriend is fast." "Are you still here?" "Hey!" "I got tickets for Cats." "It's been running 12 years." "You can't wait for another cab?" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Look what they had, cowboy paper." "Hello." "You know how long I've been waiting for a cab?" "Don't talk to him." "Is there a problem here?" "He's going to see Cats." "You haven't seen that yet?" "Don't talk to him." "You can't save cabs!" "Why not?" "Okay, okay, honey." "Here's what we're gonna do." "Sir, I'm gonna step out of the cab, and then you're gonna step out of the cab, and then I will get back in the cab, and you will go off and see an outstanding musical." "Which everybody else saw in 1982." "All righty." "Okay, sir?" "That's what's gonna happen." "Here we go." "(POLICE SIRENS)" "(MUTTERING)" "What was that?" "You know what you are?" "You're the reason people move to Jersey." "Know what?" "I'm gonna give you a muffin." "I bought a muffin for my wife and I bought another one for myself." "I'm giving my muffin to you, in the hopes that you will enjoy it and that someday maybe you'll give a muffin to somebody else." "Did you see that?" "We go?" "Yes, yes, yes, we go." "Did you see what he did?" "Unbelievable." "What does that mean?" "I don't know." "I give you my nose?" "You are my nose?" "I don't think I would have given him a muffin." "Well, it seemed like a Gandhi-esque thing to do." "You get my Sprite?" "Huh?" "Well, tell me!" "All right, hold on." "Well, I don't see him." "All right, I'll get in line." "You buy the tickets." "All right." "Oh, what if Ira already got the tickets?" "What if he didn't?" "Yeah, what if he did?" "What if he didn't?" "What if he did?" "Buy the tickets!" "I'll buy the tickets!" "All right." "Here, here, here, here, here." "No, no." "It's your present." "I'm a girl." "(EXCLAIMS)" "By the way, pedagogue:" "a servant who escorts children to school." "Ooh, that's what it means?" "Mmm-hmm." "Remind me, I gotta send a note." "All righty." "Hi." "Four please, for, uh, Feeling Good." "That's the 8:00 show?" "Feeling Good." "Wanna be feeling good by the end of this movie." "And if we're not, I expect all our money back." "No problem there." "All right." "Thank you." "Enjoy the show." "I'm feeling' better already." "IRA:" "Hey, Paulie." "Hey." "What are you reading?" "Long story." "Where's Velma?" "Uh, she's-- she's making a call." "Where's James?" "She's on line." "Come on." "I got tickets." "What're you talking about?" "Tickets are on me." "Paulie, I got the tickets." "Well, why did you get tickets?" "Why did you get tickets?" "'Cause I wanted to have this very conversation." "Paulie." "All right." "Well, I just need to explain to the guy." "Excuse me." "Hey, pal." "There's a line." "No, I was just here." "Well, now you're not." "Hey, what's your problem?" "Hey, no." "Hey." "It's all right." "I'll, uh..." "We'll sell them." "Hey, do you-- do you want to buy these tickets?" "Yeah." "Right." "No, no, these are perfectly good." "I just bought them." "What am I, from Winnipeg?" "(EXCLAIMS) I'm not..." "All right." "Tickets..." "You guys need tickets?" "Wanna buy tickets?" "Tickets?" "Tickets?" "Perfectly good tickets." "Absolutely nothing wrong with the tickets." "Four tickets for yourself?" "Tickets." "This is unbelievable." "Hey, you piss people off." "Let me ask you." "Anybody ever do this to you?" "Somebody did this to you?" "A guy, today." "Right in my face, like... (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, that's bad, right?" "It's like the finger?" "That's worse than the finger." "Right in my face." "Just boo." "Hey, buddy, you got a real problem." "No, I wasn't..." "Oh!" "What're you starting with people?" "I was..." "I wasn't starting, I was telling a story." "Well, look, try and make a good impression tonight, will ya?" "When do we not make a good impression?" "Yeah, you're right." "I'm sorry." "I'm a little nervous." "Hey, listen, we're gonna love her." "She's gonna love us." "So, Velma." "What's that?" "A German Wilma?" "Hey, not now." "Oh." "Ma'am, excuse me." "Are you going to buy tickets?" "How do you know my name?" "Your name is ma'am?" "What do you want?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "We just bought some extra tickets by accident." "We thought maybe you could buy a couple of them." "Let me see." "Are these real?" "No, no, we spent months working on them in our garage." "I'll give you $4." "That's $30 worth of tickets!" "I am a senior citizen!" "Okay, okay." "You know what, you're absolutely right." "Why don't you take the tickets." "What do you mean?" "Yeah, what'd you mean?" "I mean take them." "They're yours for free, because I had a good day and I'm a nice guy." "What are you trying to pull?" "No." "I want you to take..." "No." "I don't want them." "Please." "It's a gesture." "I don't want them!" "Ow!" "Get away from me." "What is in that bag?" "Ira?" "Hey, Velma, this is my cousin, Paulie." "Hi, how you doing?" "He doesn't usually fight with the elderly." "Ow!" "Ow!" "So, you still in the music business?" "Uh, in a way." "I manage a couple of bands." "Really?" "Anybody famous?" "Well, I'm really proud of Aerosmith." "Whoa." "You manage Aerosmith?" "How did you get into that?" "Originally, I went to film school." "Paul went to film school." "Oh." "I went to NYU." "Yeah." "I went to NYU." "Oh, that's funny." "Did you take "Sight and Sound" with Schultz?" "I think I did." "No, wait." "Schultz wasn't "Sight and Sound." He taught "Documentary."" "Right." "Right." "Right, Schultz." "No, wait." "Schultz is our pharmacist." "Schlatz." "Professor Schlatz." "Schlatz!" "Right." "I can't see." "Want to switch with me?" "No, give me the dictionary." "I'll tell you right now, the word is "obstructed"." "Excuse me." "You're sitting on a book." "I know." "Well, I can't see." "Well, what if I were this tall?" "But you aren't." "Pretend I am." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(KICKING SEAT BACK)" "A-A-All right, all right." "Would you stop kicking my chair, please?" "Pretend I'm not." "All right." "Wait a second." "I got an idea." "Get up a second." "All right, we'll compromise, okay?" "Honey, just sit on it "A" through "L"." "There we go." "ANNOUNCER:" "From the best-selling author of A Penny For Your Life..." "MAN:" "Oh, good." "Coming attractions." "WOMAN:" "Great." "I love coming attractions." "Yeah, me too." "WOMAN:" "They're talking." "It's just coming attractions." "This is how it starts." "MAN:" "Hey, I read this book." "It'll never make it as a movie." "(SHUSHING)" "Alan Alda's the killer." "No!" "WOMAN:" "I like him." "(SHUSHING) Alan Alda." "What in the world were they thinking?" "All right." "All right." "You shushed 'em." "Let 'em adjust." "Hey!" "Will you two shut up down there?" "Shh!" "Don't shush me, blondie." "Hey, hey, pal." "Hey, I'm trying to watch the movie here." "Yeah, well, so are we." "So shut up." "What is your problem?" "What is your problem?" "You are my problem." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Well, come on up here and say that." "WOMAN:" "What a jerk." "Do you believe this?" "Just forget it." "ANNOUNCER:" "Coming this Spring..." "Forget it?" "The guy just bounced a Milk Dud off my medulla." "He's a crazy person." "MAN:" "Yeah, check with the wife, chicken." "(CLUCKING)" "You know what?" "You got a big mouth." "So, you wanna step..." "Oh." "Oh, what?" "Huh?" "Oh, you know..." "Just..." "Well, let's just calm down, okay?" "We'll calm down so everybody'll enjoy the movie." "All right?" "(CLUCKING)" "See, I don't want to fight you." "Why not?" "'Cause, you know, 'cause it's just..." "It's a feel-good movie." "So, what do you say we all try to feel good?" "You don't think I can take care of myself." "Hey, no." "It's not that at all." "Come on." "It's not that at all." "It's just..." "It's just what?" "Nothing." "It's just..." "You know, I..." "We don't want..." "You think you're better than me?" "No, no." "Hey, not at all." "It's just that..." "All right." "Come on, let's go." "Don't." "Hey, wait, wait, wait one minute." "You're gonna fight?" "I don't want to insult the guy." "So you're gonna hit him?" "It seems the right thing to do." "Just talk to him." "Ow!" "What'd you do that for?" "'Cause we're having a fight, genius." "He very rarely fights with people in wheelchairs." "Ow!" "Ow!" "What is wrong with people?" "It stopped bleeding." "Yeah?" "Now it's clicking." "Oh, God." "I'm sorry I made you miss the movie." "I don't care." "Does it hurt?" "You ever been punched in the nose?" "No." "It hurts." "Oh, there it is." "You hear that?" "What?" "Little click." "Okay, do it again." "It's not a party trick." "It just happens." "But it hurts." "What were you thinking?" "I was protecting you." "You could've really gotten hurt." "So--So, good, explain me the rules." "When do I offer pastry, and when do I get to smack a guy?" "It's never clear." "So Velma seems nice, right?" "Yeah." "By the way, I love that she studied film with our pharmacist." "What're you saying?" "Do you think she didn't go to NYU?" "Oh, she absolutely did not go to NYU, and I guarantee you there's no way were the Go-Go's were really water-skiing." "I thought so, too." "What was that?" "Forget about..." "Ira's" " Ira's little friend likes to fib." "So what are we gonna do?" "We don't do anything." "He's your cousin." "Yeah." "So, we go, we meet up with him, we have a nice dinner." "Yeah, and she can tell us she invented meat." "It's right up there." "On the left, on the left." "On the left." "They like that." "So, you're a filmmaker." "Yeah, he just got a big grant from the city." "Really?" "Yeah." "You know, when I was a child, I was on To Tell the Truth." "You're kidding." "Mmm-hmm." "I was one of the imposters for Caroline Kennedy." "Caroline Kennedy?" "With a "C." Uh-huh." "She is very nice." "We all went to Hyannis Port afterwards reenacted the scene for Joe, who wasn't able to leave the house at the time." "Oh, they had a deli platter." "The Kennedys?" "The Kennedy's had a deli platter." "Yeah." "So?" "I'm just trying to get a mental image of the whole thing here." "I was up in the attic, playing with John-John..." "Yeah, I bet you were." "Okay, you know what?" "It's really..." "It's a great story with the Kennedys and the whole deli situation." "My nose is killing me." "You know what, it really is." "I'm gonna get him home, give him some aspirin and put him and his nose to bed." "What, you're not gonna stay for coffee?" "No, we should get home." "Oh, it's so early." "I know." "We've had a rough day." "Oh, you know, one time I got so high from fasting," "I stayed awake for 11 days." "Well, Velma, it's been a pleasure meeting you." "Oh, it was so nice meeting you." "Nice to meet you." "Good luck with the marathon." "Oh, thanks." "I'll be happy if I can just finish in the top 10 again." "Me, too." "Yeah, really pounding now." "We're going." "We're going." "Ira, I will call you." "Okay." "First of all, Caroline Kennedy would never be on To Tell the Truth because Kitty Carlisle would spot her." "In a second." "That was Kitty's job." "How's your nose?" "Huh?" "It's fine." "You sure you're up for the movie?" "Oh, absolutely." "I had to get out of there." "Me, too." "Henry Kissinger." "Oh, boy, I do not see them together." "It's the next block." "Number 212." "You know how happy I'm gonna be to get rid of this dictionary?" "So happy, the word is not even in here." "It's the blue building." "Left side, left side." "Left side." "Left side." "There you go." "JAMIE:" "Look at that." "It's perfect." "(EXCLAIMS) What?" "I just stepped in something." "Well, wipe it off." "Well, wait a second, what is this?" "Just wipe it off." "It's veal." "No, it's not." "Somebody threw out an entire dinner." "What's wrong with people?" "What are they, 10-J?" "I stepped in veal." "Honey, it happens." "It doesn't happen." "It happens." "Name me one person in history who steps in veal." "MAN:" "Yes?" "Hi." "We're here to see the Kurdys." "They're not in." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Do you know when they'll be back?" "No." "What do we do?" "Just leave it for them." "Yes?" "Hi." "We'd like to leave something for them." "Who?" "The Kurdys." "They're not in." "We know that." "We'd just like to leave something for them." "Are you on the list?" "What list?" "We don't know anything about a list." "Can't let you in unless you're on the list." "Excuse me, could you be less helpful?" "Okay, okay, okay." "Apparently so." "Yes?" "Hi." "Yeah, it's us again." "Listen, we came all the way up here just to leave something off for the Kurdys..." "They're not in." "We understand they're not in." "See, nobody told us anything about a list." "I can't accept gifts, packages or parcels if you're not on the list." "Have to be on the list." "All right, stop saying list." "It's a dictionary." "How do I know that?" "Hey, we've been lugging this, the entire English language, all over town." "We just want to leave it here for them." "Not if you're not on the list." "Did he say list?" "Did you say list?" "Got to be on the list." "Excuse me, sir, can you see this?" "Yes, I can." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Okay, we're putting a lot of pressure on this movie to make us feel good." "It's closed." "How could this happen?" "Oh, that's perfect." "$8,000 worth of tickets and we don't get to see the movie." "You said there was a midnight show." "Well, what do I know?" "I carry a dictionary and step in veal." "IRA:" "Hey, Paulie." "Hey, hey!" "Hey." "Hey, hey." "Hey, there you are." "There you are." "We were looking all over for you." "We thought we'd take a shot at the late show." "I thought you guys were going home." "We were, but then Paul's nose was feeling a lot better so, we went to Riff's to look for you guys and we couldn't find you." "So then we thought maybe you went to the movies again." "So here we are." "You were right." "Absolutely right." "We were gonna see a late show and now they're closed, so we're gonna go home." "We were at Riff's this whole time." "Well, we didn't see you." "How didn't you see us?" "How'd you miss us?" "We must've looked on the wrong side." "You guys ditched us, didn't you?" "No, come on." "What are you talking about?" "We didn't ditch you." "Why would we ditch you?" "Uh-huh." "No, we--we--we-- we wouldn't do that." "I just hate being lied to." "The wrong side?" "Come on, Ira." "Let's go." "You hurt me, Paulie." "IRA:" "They very rarely lie to people." "Know what we can do, be a nice capper to the evening?" "Why don't we go home, take this thing and just throttle it." "Howdy." "Howdy to you." "Nice night." "Well, maybe for you." "Not so much for us, sir." "All right." "Take it easy, honey." "We're all out of muffins." "Good night." "Did you enjoy the movie?" "Uh, sadly, no." "We didn't" " We didn't get to see it." "Oh, that's too bad." "It's a wonderful film." "Well, we'll just have to take your word for it, sir." "Or, if you like, you could come inside and I'll run it for you now." "What?" "I'm the projectionist." "What, are you kidding?" "No." "You look like you could use a feel-good movie." "Oh, oh, we could." "We really, really could." "I..." "This is so nice of you." "Not at all." "Not at all." "I'll just stay in the back and finish my crossword puzzle." "Well, can I just say that you're the nicest human being on the planet?" "Oh, thanks." "Oh, what's a seven-letter word for rumpus?" "Oh." "You know what?" "We thought you were gonna ask that." "Here." "Little gift." "Has everything you need." "Hello, I'm Rudy Giuliani, Mayor of New York City." "In spite of the Buchmans' experience tonight," "New York is a great city, one of which we can all be very proud." "As you just saw, some of our hardest-working residents drive taxicabs." "Almost all of them are fair, courteous and honest." "But like any cabdriver in any city, they merely wish to be told on which side of the street, the left side or the right side their passengers want to get out." "I'm sure that you'll agree that's a very reasonable request." "Quality of life is very important to us in New York and that's why we keep our streets as clean as possible." "Occasionally, we may miss a spot, here and there, but I assure you, incidents of people stepping in veal are very rare." "Almost unheard of." "New York is a great city and we're constantly striving to make it even better." "I just thought you should know that." "Thank you very much."