"♪ Now the reason we are here ♪" "♪ is to love each other ♪" "♪ take care of each other ♪" "♪ when love walks in the room ♪" "♪ everybody, stand up ♪" "♪ oh, it's good, good, good ♪" "♪ to say, "I love you, I love you, I love you ♪" "♪ I love you, I love you, I love you" ♪" " Hey!" " Whoa." "It's a sidewalk." "Walk." "There's three good reasons to run, man-- cops, lions, and--and" "Angry hookers who won't accept checks." "You and I are very different." "Hey, hold up, I got to pop in here for a purchase real quick." "You got one of these cards?" "[Scoffs] Yeah, of course." "My cousin Pete's a gynecologist." "And you suffer from what, cramps?" "Yep." "And anxiety..." "And breast tenderness." "Yeah, I-I would stop seeing that gynecologist." "[Chuckles]" "Hey, no card, no entry." " I'm just gonna look." " No card, no look." "Hey, what's up, man?" "How you doing, bro?" "You see the tattoos on that old guy?" "Pretty sweet." "Don't look at me." "You're the old guy." "Oh, man, I haven't been this pleased with a purchase since I bought that bottle of drakkar noir at the duty-free." ""That old guy."" "I mean, those guys weren't teenagers." "They were, like, late 20s." " You want to know the secret?" " No." "Moisturizer." "I moisturize like it's my job." "You got to take care of your skin, dude." "It's your biggest organ." "I take care of my organ." "Colleen got me a loofah." "Loofah?" "What" "Dude, you're a complete train wreck." "You've got to moisturize, Judd." "Those guys back at the pot shop," "I guarantee you they moisturize." "McConaughey-- perfect example." " Matthew McConaughey?" " Yeah, man's 59 years old." "He doesn't look a day over 30." "Matthew McConaughey is not 59 years old." "Regardless, he has a youthful glow about him." "And he's always gonna have it, 'cause Matt McConaughey moisturizes." "And he uses a weird electric comb to keep his hair." "You know what I found the other day?" "A gray hair." "So what?" "Color it." "Your hair's your second biggest organ." "No, no." "I found a gray hair down there." "Well, that's no big deal." "It'll just make your junk look more distinguished." "Oh, awesome." "So my penis looks like a tenured college professor." "You know, I'm completely clear-cut down there." "Did you know that?" "How would I know that?" "Yep, keeps my junk looking eternally youthful." "Chicks love it-- from the waist down," "I'm a 14-year-old boy, except for my junk." "That's great." "You know what?" "I don't know why, but this isn't helping me." "Bet I know what will." "The doctor is in!" "[Chuckles]" "[Panting]" "Hey, how's it going?" "Great." "It's great." "[Panting]" "Oh, crap." "[Rock music playing]" "Hey, honey." "Hey." "Great news." "Uh, Dan has, uh, one of those, uh, medicinal marijuana cards." " Boom." " You guys are high?" "It's 10:30." "We don't have a choice." "Look what they have on tv-- the space walk." "NASA would never broadcast stuff like that in the morning if they didn't want us to wake and bake." "Check it, Judd's wife, there's something for everyone." "We got s'mores, soda pot, caramel pot corn." "Yeah, when did pot become all wonka-fied?" "I mean, what happened to buying it from that sketchy kid who lived off campus and looked like Joey Ramone?" "Oh, he dropped out and opened a pot store." " Pot pot pie?" " No, thanks, Judd's friend." "[Scoffs] I'll pass." "Oh, well, suit yourself." "That's more..." "More for us." "Ohh." "Oh, smell that." "Oh, my God." "Smell that." "[Chatter on TV]" "Dude, you got to go." "What?" "But, uh..." "The-- what--the pizza?" "I'm about to have daytime sex with my wife, 'cause that's what young guys do." "They have sex during the day." "Not with their wives." "Bye, Dan." "I'm so alone." "Uh..." "Can I help you?" " So I kicked Dan out." " Still here, dude." "Get out!" "So I kicked Dan out." "[Chuckles]" "Are you, um, having trouble with your belt there, chief?" "There's something wrong with my pants." "Is somebody a little high?" "Yeah, me." "I am a little high." "You can stop fighting with your pants." "We're not having sex." "Oh-ho." "Are you sure?" "Uh, ugh." "Uck, yeah." "Wow, is that how you seduce people-- by sticking your fingers in their mouth?" "No." "I seduce people by sticking fingers in their mouth and dancing like this." "Aw, you look like that little gopher at the end of Caddyshack." "Yeah, nobody had sex with that gopher, Judd." "Hey, Colleen, Dan left us some treats." "I, uh--I got stuff I got to do today, okay?" "Hey, remember when we used to smoke all the time?" "Remember Sunday..." "Both:" "Fun day." "Right!" "That was fun, right?" " Yeah." " Fun day!" "And aptly named." "Yeah, you know what else is fun?" "Going to the local farmers' market and sampling peaches to get the taste of my husband's fingers out of my mouth." "Boo!" "Come on, old Colleen would've done it." "Yeah, well, old Colleen didn't have a job." "Ugh!" "Peaches and jobs-- listen to yourself." "Okay, you know what?" "I didn't want to have to do this, but I am gonna redeem birthday coupons for "anything Judd wants."" "You realize that those were supposed to be for steak and a birthday beej." "Okay." "Uh, well, I'm actually gonna redeem this one for you getting high, and this one I'm gonna redeem for you helping me with my pants, and then we'll see where it goes from there." "Come on." "Did Dan leave maybe a pot breakfast burrito?" "'Cause I'm kind of starving." "I already ate it." " Dude." " Later." "[Exotic music]" "♪ ♪" "I totally get it now." " Told you." " Ah." "Wow." "It's much better, though, when you're doing the dance." "Mm, never." "[Telephone ringing]" " I'll get it." " Get what?" "The phone." "Oh, you mean our phone's ringing?" "Because I hear whale sounds, and they need our help." " Hi, mom." " Hi, Judd." "Mom, are you in the car?" "I can't hear you." "Yeah." "But don't worry." "I got one of those new bluetooths." "Actually, mine is pink." "But I'm hands-free." "We just left, and we'll pick you up in about 15 minutes, okay?" "Okay." "Why's my mom picking us up?" "[Whispering] I don't know." "She's old and crazy." "[Giggles]" "I feel sorry for her." "[Normal voice]" "Judd, you're not running late, are you?" "You can't be." "It's important." "You're the godfather." "We forgot about the christening!" "Oh, crap!" "That's today!" " Yes!" " What is going on over there?" "It's Colleen, isn't it?" "Yeah." "She's upset because she's not the godmother, right?" "You have to tell her it's nothing personal." "She's just not real family." "Okay, mom, I'll tell her." "I love you." "Bye." "Oh, my God, 15 minutes!" "She'll be here in 15 minutes!" "We got to go get dressed." "Come on!" "Come on!" "We got to get dressed." "My mom is gonna be so disappointed." "She's gonna know I'm high." "I'm not gonna be her special boy." "I need to be her special boy." "Special..." "Boy." "Whoa!" "What is that?" "I've never seen you wear a hat." "Where'd you get that thing?" "Well, I like buying hats, but I don't like wearing hats." "Oh, you're freaking me out." "Okay, pantyhose." "You know what?" "They don't let you into church without pantyhose." "God hates bare legs." "Oh, God, I haven't shaved!" "Oh, hairy and bare--that is a first-class ticket to hell." " Huh?" " A shirt with words?" "Are you kidding me?" "Did you read it?" "Live in the world, Judd!" "We need to stop slapping each other--we got to get dressed." "Oh!" "You're right." "Sorry." "All right." "[On the wings of loplaying] I love this song." "Oh, yeah, me too." "♪ And let the day begin ♪" "♪ you are the sunshine ♪ [Giggles]" "Just stop it." "Be cool." " Shh." "Shh." " Shh." "You shh." "You shh." " Shh, shh." " Shh, shh." "Is everything okay back there?" "[Giggles] Yes, we're cool, mom." "Yeah, just, uh..." "Just enjoying the ride..." "In the car..." "Uh..." "Past all the--the houses." "All the..." "Foreclosed houses." "We live in sad times." "♪ Is on the wings of love ♪" "♪ on the wings of love ♪" "♪ only the two of us together flying high ♪" ""Me too."" ""Ur aunt..." ♪ Flying high upon ♪" ""Smells funny." ♪ The wings of love ♪" ""You are talking as you text."" " No, no, you are." " No, you are." " No, you are." " I just heard you do it." " No, I just heard you do it." " You did it." "Judd, how did your speech turn out?" "My speech?" "Yeah, you're the godfather, honey." "You have to say something." "Right." "Right." "Uh, yeah, I have a lot to say." "You know, it's a very important day, mom." "Yes, it is." "♪ On the wings of love ♪" " Okay, okay." " I can't do this." "What, are we making matzo in here?" "Mom..." "At the next stoplight, get ready to jump." "[Bell ringing]" "I got to give a speech." "What kind of a cult is this?" "Well, you're the godfather." "What did you expect?" "I don't know, I don't know-- you dunk them in water, and you send them $5 in a card once a year." "I'm not a hero, Colleen." "Look, look, if that woman looks at me one more time," "I'm gonna pop her in the nose." "Colleen, she's 88" "No, I am serious, all right?" "If it kills her, it kills her." "I have lived a very good life." "Oh, my God, how could you let us get high right before my godson's christening?" "What?" "What?" "You're the one that went on about Sunday fun day and being cool." "Me?" "You cashed in your coupons for this." "You are the moral compass." "You're the-- you're the woman." "You're supposed to-- help me, woman." "Please, give me something to say." "All I've got in my head is on the wings of love." " [Laughs]" " Judd." "What?" "Brent." " Hey." " Hey." "Hi." "Ahem." "He looks great." "One of his balls hasn't dropped." "Kelly said not to flip out, but I'm finding him harder to love." "Oh, my God." "Just kidding." "I still love the little freak." "I'm heading in." "Okay." " Thanks for doing this, pal." " Oh, yeah, my pleasure." "I'll see you inside, man, and, uh..." " It's Eli." "It's Eli." " Eli, it's Eli." "Would the parents and godparents of Elijah rouscher please come forward?" "It's just one godparent, reverend." "It's just my son, not his wife." " What am I gonna say?" " Shh." "Just go." "Go, go." "Thank you, Gail." "I see you're not wearing any pantyhose." "It's not very Jesus-Y of you." "What we're celebrating today is the beginning of Eli's spiritual life." "The role of the godparent is an important one." "Judd..." "Your brother and sister-in-law have chosen you because you are a person they admire." "And they hope that Eli will look to you as an example of what it means to be a man in this world..." "And that you will look after." "Eli's spiritual well-being." "They think of you as a role model and a mentor." "It's an honor." "Yeah." "But it's also a great responsibility." "Do you accept that?" "Uh..." "I do." "Mom, if you'll step in here..." "[Soft guitar music plays]" "♪ ♪" "In the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit." "♪ ♪" "Judd..." "Would you like to say a few words?" "Yes..." "I would." "[Eli crying]" "[Whispering] Would the parents please pass the baby to the godfather?" "What?" "Oh, no, no, no, I don't have" " Take the baby." " I don't want to." " Take the baby." " Okay." "Um, uh, this..." "Wow." "This is, uh..." "Hmm." "I've never been a godfather." "And I got a lot" "I got a lot going on up here." "This is so special, and there's a lot I want to say." "[Chuckles]" "[Softly] ♪ you are the sunshine ♪" "♪ that lights my heart within ♪" "♪ and I know that you're an angel in disguise ♪" "♪ come take my hand ♪" "♪ and together we will ride ♪" "♪ on the wings of ♪ both: ♪ love ♪" "♪ up and above the clouds ♪" "♪ the only way to fly ♪" "♪ is on the wings of love ♪" "All three:" "♪ on the wings of love ♪" "All:" "♪ only the two of us ♪" "♪ together flying high ♪" "♪ flying high ♪" "♪ upon the wings of love ♪" "♪ on the wings of love... ♪" "I totally saved your ass in there." "I'm so calling this in one day." "Oh, you got it, baby, any day." "[Chuckles] What?" "I'm just thinking everybody makes such a big deal about staying young." "There are some really cool things that go along with being an old guy." "You know, old guys get to be godfathers." "Is my mouth filled with hair?" "Well, why did you break up with him if you knew that the winter formal was this weekend?" "I don't know." "Maybe because I insisted I pay for my lunch, and he let me pay for lunch." "What is he, some kind of feminist?" "Exactly!" "Oh, hang on, Christy." "Hi." "Oh, no." "I'm just talking to my cousin." "Wait." "Why?" "This is handicapped parking only." "See the blue curb?" "Oh, no." "I am handicapped." "I'm pregnant, and it's not even my baby." "It's my sister's." "That is what a Saint I am." "So you can--you can go ahead and give me a ticket, but, karmically," "I'm really not sure that I would roll those dice." "I'm feeling lucky." "You are, like, the meanest person in the world." "Meter maid!" "Sorry, Christy." "What was that all about?" "Nothing." "Someone's just going to hell." "Okay, so..." "Senior formal-- what are you gonna do?" "I guess I'm not going." "It is your senior formal." "You are a senior." "You have to go." "But with who?" "There is nobody." "It doesn't have to be, like, the most popular person in the world." "Why don't you try a new approach this year?" "How about you-- you know what?" "How about you ask out a freshman-- some kid who will treat you like a queen instead of throwing up all over your dress?" "Just a thought." "That seems random." "Um, random brilliant." "Plus, it's not a bad p.R. Move." "And no offense, I love you, but you are kind of a snob." "Let the little freshmen have some cake." "Look, I didn't have enough time to finish grapes of wrath last night." "There's a quiz after lunch." "Stop being a jerk and just tell me how it ends." "Rose's baby dies, and she breast-feeds a drifter." " What?" " Spoiler alert." "Wait." "From both boobs?" "The book didn't specify how many boobs were used." "Oh, I get it." "The grapes of wrath are her boobs, and they're angry." "Yeah, they'll definitely put that in the quiz." "Hey, you guys hear Mr. Burke's class gets to video chat with an astronaut next week?" " Boring." " Who cares?" "That's why I said it, to make sure that we're all in agreement that the space program is lame." "Everybody, put your hand in." ""Space is lame" on three." "Roddy, that's lamer than space." "Exactly." "Congratulations." "You guys passed both tests." " Oh." "Oh, sorry." " What the hell?" "Oh, hey, Christy." "That's a cool phone." "How many apps you got on that thing?" "I bet you got, like, 40 apps." "That's so like you." "And that's so me, to be all up in your technology." "[Both chuckle]" "Roddy, am I still talking?" "Want to go to the senior formal with me on Saturday?" "Yeah, right." "Are you serious?" "Pick you up at 8:00." "And..." "Don't get a haircut." "What just happened?" "Christy frickin' Hayes just fingered one of your curls." "♪ I've been trying to find exactly what's been missing ♪" "I'm confident, smart, and fun to be with." "I'm confident, I'm smart, and I'm fun to be with." "[Knock at door] I'm busy!" "Okay." " Uh-oh." " What?" "I think I passed your hair on the side of the road this morning." "[Sighs] The one thing she liked about you was your hair." "Why did you mess with it?" "Because it-- shut up." "I don't know." "Better." "Don't touch it." "[Knock at door] One second." "I hope you understand the magnitude of tonight." "You nail this, we all get christies." "Our lives will never be the same." "What's so great about Christy Hayes?" "Roddy, I'm gonna need a stack of legal pads, a number-two pencil, and, like, 20 red bulls to explain to kit the wonders of Christy Hayes." "[Knock at door] Hey, Josh." "Hey, buddy-- what are you guys do-- what, are you smoking drugs?" "Get out." "Get the hell out, all of you." "Let's go, double time." "I want to talk to my boy alone." "Jeff." "Every time." "Kleptomaniac." "[Chuckles]" "Your hair looks nice." "Look, Christy's gonna be here any minute." "We really don't need-- Look at you, all grown up." "Dad, we really don't need to have this talk" "All right, all right, I'll get to the point." "Have a seat." "[Sighs]" "Come on, sit down." "Josh, we need to talk about your penis." " What?" " You're a Ford." "Ford's get boners easily, all of us." "We always have--it's a family trait or something." "Dad, we don't need to talk about boners." "Relax, Josh." "You're gonna thank me for this tomorrow." "I'm not gonna thank you tomorrow." "You just need to learn a few simple tricks, all right?" "Now, if Mr. happy comes out at an inappropriate moment, the first thing you're gonna do is what we call "The Tuck"-- simple." "You go in, grab hold, pull it up north, tuck underneath the belt buckle-- one fluid motion, right?" "Now, look, if that's gonna attract too much attention, you need to do what we call "the untied shoe."" "He's doing his thing, right?" "You go down on one knee, you act like you're tying your shoe." "You wait it out." "You got it?" "I have it." "I will wait it out." "[Doorbell rings] Oh, she's here." " Thank God." " Good luck." " Thanks." " [Chuckles]" "[Door closes] Pictures!" "I got to take pictures." "Hi." "Oh, you look nice." "You look fantastic." "Laura!" "Laura!" "Come here, come here." " [Gasps]" " All right." " Aw!" "My baby!" " All right, guys, here we go." "It's kind of a big deal for you guys, huh?" "Nope." "Oh, you know what?" "You need the corsage." "Yeah, give him the flower thing." "Thank you." "Did your father talk to you about your penis?" " Mom!" " Oh, okay." "Come on." "All right, together, big smile!" "Big smile!" "That's it." "Oh!" "[Camera shutter clicks]" "Because you're one." "[Giggles] You're so cute!" "That wasn't too cheesy, was it?" " No." " Okay." "[Cell phone ringing] Oh, can you hold that?" " Sorry." " Hello?" " Grandma's dead." " What?" "Oh, no!" "What happened?" "Nothing." "You told me to call you so you'd have an out in case things didn't work out with the kid." "Oh, I totally forgot." "No, things are going great." "Oh, really?" "[Gasps]" "So things are going well with the freshman." "That is so nice." "See, Christy?" "I told you." "You never know where the right guy's gonna turn up." "Bye." "[Gasps]" "Annie?" "Matt." "Wow." "Um..." "Wow." "This is crazy." "What a surprise." "Yeah, totally..." "Though maybe more so for me." "You know you're in the men's room, right?" "Oh, oh, right." "But, um, I'm pregnant, so I have a right, and there was a really long line." "No, no, I get it." "Guys are quicker." "So, uh, how are you?" "I mean, y-you're still pregnant, I see." "Yeah, I can't really shake this thing." "[Giggles] Um..." "Hey, what about you?" "Do you..." "Oh, do you still have that girlfriend?" "Uh, yeah, I do." "Great." "It's just so-- it's great when things work out, you know, 'cause most of the time they don't, and-- not that things aren't gonna work out for you, unless they don't." "You know what I mean?" "Not really." "[Door opens] Oh, hey, um, you're good." "I'm pregnant, and I have a right, so..." "One second." "I think I'm gonna go." "Oh, hey, Matt, next time we run into each other," "I promise that I'll try to act like a marginally normal human being, you know, if there is a next time." "There will be." "I just mean that the city is small, like, only 20 square Miles, I think." "It's really just-- it's a question of probability." "You know what I mean?" "I do." "[Man urinating]" "Okay, seriously, dude, you couldn't wait, like, 20 more seconds?" "Wow." "Tonight didn't suck." "I agree." "Actually, I had a really good time, even though..." "[Grunts softly]" "This bra has been killing me." "So much better." "Yeah." "Those things always looked uncomfortable-- bras." "Well, um, thank you for inviting me." "I'll see you around, I guess." "Well..." "[Josh slurping]" "Good night, Christy." "♪ My first kiss went a little like this ♪" "[Smooches] ♪ and twist ♪" "♪ and twist ♪ [Smooches]" "♪ Well, my first kiss went a little like this ♪" "[Smooches] ♪ and twist ♪" "♪ and twist ♪ [Smooches]" "I can't believe you came to school today." "If there were ever a time to stay down on the mat..." " What?" " You blew it." "And everyone at school is talking about it, even the janitor with the Vietnam hair." "Wait." "Blew what?" "The date?" "How?" "I had it perfectly tucked." "There's no way she could've seen it." "No, I'm not talking about your boner." "Christy Hayes sees 100 boners a day." "They throw a boner tape parade every time she walks down the street." "I'm talking about the fact that you are a horrible kisser." "What?" "Says who?" "The social networks are on fire." "Nuh-uh." ""Josh's mouth is a saliva well." "We need to cap it before it destroys our natural habitat."" "That's my favorite one so far." "I'm laughing and thinking." "This isn't funny." "We were going to be knee-deep in christies." "Now all we have is each other, which is what we had to begin with, which isn't enough." "Dude, I need a woman." "I can't sit through another" ""it's okay if you're gay" conversation with my parents." "Why is this all my fault?" "Did it ever occur to you that maybe Christy Hayes is the bad kisser?" "I should shoot you in the face for saying that." "Christy Hayes taught my dad how to kiss." "There's only one thing to do." "You have to kiss her again." "Prove that you're a good kisser." "Then she'll think it was just an anomaly and throw out the false data." "Or you could move on, like a winner." "The problem is, Josh doesn't know how to kiss." "Then we'll go to the source of all knowledge." " Which is?" " Porn." "Oh, come on, no." "I don't want to watch-- Yet another stupid idea." "There's no kissing in porn." "I'm sorry." "Did someone say that there's no kissing in porn?" "Oh, man..." "They seem friendly." " Yeah." " You guys are idiots." "[Sighs] Come here." "Wait." "What?" "I'm gonna sit down, 'cause I might fall." "You think they're on Facebook?" "No." "What?" "Shh." "Okay, I'm gonna show you how to kiss." "What?" "No, that's like kissing my brother, no, thank you." "Look..." "It's even grosser for me, because you're you." "But right now I'm your only hope of ever even coming within 15 feet of a female ever again." "So, come on, let's do this." "Okay." "Wow." "She was right." "You suck at this." "Oh, my God." "Don't freak out." "We can fix this." "First of all, you got to relax those lips." "They have to be soft." "Do not flex one lip muscle." "Okay." "And as soon as your lips touch mine, mouth the word "whisper."" " What?" " Just try it." " [Muffled] Whisper." " [Giggles]" "You don't actually say the word." "You just mouth it." "[Inhales deeply] Okay, okay." "And that's how you kiss." "But your lips are, um, really dry." "Always wear chapstick." "Oh, thanks." "And thank you for helping me." "Shut up." "Okay." "Drumroll, please." "[Chuckles]" "Well, today's the day we've all been waiting for." "And, no, I'm not retiring." "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Mr. heinszer?" "[Chuckles] Well, enough of that." "Today we have the rare privilege to chat with astronaut Scott bowers, live from the international space station." "Miss Hodges, are we ready?" "I.S.S., this is Houston." "We are now on board to video conference with minotta high school." "Colonel bowers, can you hear us?" " I'm gonna kill you!" " I have a Caucasian fetish!" "Uh, not a good time, Houston." "We've got technical difficulties." "Oops." "Looks like somebody's having a star war." "[Both laugh]" "But, seriously, uh, no need to mention this to your parents." "[Two door cinema's this is the life]" "♪ ♪" "Whisper, whisper." "Whisper." "♪ ♪" "♪ 'cause this is the life ♪" "♪ this is the life, this is the life ♪" "Mr. Ford." "Mr. Ford!" "What do you think you're doing?" "[Class whooping]" "Watch the cake." "♪ And if this is the life ♪" "♪ this is the life ♪" "♪ this is the life, this is the life ♪" "♪ this is the life, then who'd argue?" "♪" "Hi." "Hey." "So..." "That was a 180." "[Chuckles] Yeah." "I have no plans Friday night, in case you wanted to spend your allowance on something worthwhile." "Uh..." "No, no." "I'm--I'm good." "[Giggles]" "♪ But you ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ but you ♪" "♪ ooh ♪" "♪ but you ♪" "Are you crazy?" "♪ No one's gonna change your life ♪" "♪ no one's gonna change your life ♪" "♪ but you ♪" " Hey." " Hey." "So I heart you mouth-molested Christy Hayes in physics today." "Yeah." "Congratulations." "Christy thinks you're a good kisser." "Actually, she said I needed more practice." "♪ No one's gonna change your ♪" "♪ no one's gonna change your ♪" "Did you see what happened on the space station today?" " No, I missed it." " Oh, it's great, it's great." "Whoa!" "Hey!" "Hi, sweetheart." "How are you?" "I'm better now that I'm talking to you." "Wow." "You look-- you look great." "How are you?" "Hanging in there." "I miss you so much, tons." "But I'll--I'll be home before you know it." "Yeah, just three more months." "We'll call it 90 days, okay?" "It makes it seem shorter." "90 days." "[Chuckles]" "It seems just as long." "Yeah, but tomorrow it'll be 89 days." "And the next day, we can say 88 days, until one day I get to wake up and say," ""See you tomorrow, sweetheart." [Chuckles]" "Can't wait." "[Chuckles]" "Meanwhile, here we are, stuck in today." "Yeah." "Janine, who is that?" " Who is what, hon?" " I saw a dude walk by." "That is just Randy the landscaper." "He's here to mow the yard." "Why is he in the house?" "[Chuckling] I mean..." "The yard is..." "The yard's still outside, right?" " Oh, God." " Hey, man." "It's Randy!" "You are a hero, brother." "Now, that's real talk." "And I don't want you worrying about that yard out there, chiefy, 'cause the rand-scaper, he's got it all under control." "[Laughing]" "So nice to meet you, sir." "[Laughs]" "I'm sorry, Janine." "Why do we need a guy to mow the yard?" "Why do we need a guy to mow the yard?" "Um, let me see." "Oh." "Oh, because I have better things to do besides mow your yard and pay your bills and clean your house, okay?" "I have a job too, remember?" "I know." "I know." "I know, babe." "Um, I'm so sorry." "I" " Look, Scott, I got to go." " What?" "I'm sorry." "I just, um..." "[Softly] I need a little space." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Wait a min-- wait a minute." "Are you--are you kidding?" "Look, I'm--I'm tired." "Can we just talk tomorrow?" "Okay?" "Love you." "Yeah, I-I love you too." "She needs more space?" "She needs more space!" "I'm 216 Miles above the earth's surface, and--and she needs more space!" "That was weird." "That--that was weird, right, Craig?" "I don't know, Scott." "I was busy doing space stuff." "I didn't think she was acting weird at all." "No?" "Huh?" "Takashi, thank you." "I don't-- maybe it's just me." "The guy banging her was acting really weird." " You son of a" " Take it easy, both of you." "Look, we've all been up here a long time." "I get it." "You're on edge." "We all are." "But we've spent years learning how to keep it together and do our jobs." "So let's keep it together and do our jobs." "Sorry, Craig." "I'm sorry, Craig." "Aah!" "[Earth, wind  fire's shining star]" "Is there a spider on me?" "I know it's implausible." "I feel like there's something crawling on me." "Scott, is there?" "Scott!" "Huh?" "I need you to focus." "I'm--I'm focused, Craig." "I just..." "I was just thinking about how nice it would be if we had a little dog up here, you know?" "Yeah." "Puppies are nice." "Mm-hmm." "And I was thinking about..." "Smashing some of these buttons with my hand, so this would all go away." " Scott!" " Yeah?" "Janine loves you." "Now, that's a known." "But if it'll make you feel better," "I can give Marty a call and see if we can get a visual confirmation that your lawn's been mowed." " You'd do that for me, man?" " In a heartbeat." "But only because I need two things from you, colonel." "I need you to be focused..." "And I need you to be exceptional, 'cause that's what astronauts are." "We're exceptional." "I.S.S., this is Houston." "Glad you're checking in." "We need to add an event to your agenda for tomorrow." "Video conference with high-school students at 0400-- details to follow." "Over." "Roger that, Houston." "Hey, Marty, I need you to do me a solid." "Such as?" "I need to grab a quick satellite shot of Scott's yard to see if it's been mowed." "Yeah, right." " I'm serious." " What?" "Why?" "If the yard's been mowed, that means that, uh, Janine's landscaper's been cutting the grass and not plowing Janine." "Negative." "Absolutely not." "Over." "Come on, Marty." "Scott's on the edge." "He's about to fall off." "Too bad." "Those satellites are government property." "Really?" "When you were going through your divorce, Marty, who was there for you?" "Was it government property?" "No." "It was me and Scott." "Okay." "I'll call Albert and see what he can do." "Roger that, Houston." "I.S.S. Out." "[Beeping]" "[Soothing music]" "♪ ♪" "I.S.S., Houston." "Stand by for video recon." "Picture is coming in now." "Roger that, Houston." "And there it is." "[Laughs]" "That's a good-looking yard right there." "Hell, I haven't seen grass like that since I was at wrigley." "Yeah, yeah." "It, uh, does look pretty good, doesn't it?" "Glad you're happy." "So can we all get back to work now?" "Wait." "One second, Houston." "Can you, uh, reposition the photo a little to the left?" "Over." "It's all good, Scott." "Let's go." "Hey, Marty, thanks a lot." "No, just two more ticks to the left, Marty." "Over." "Yeah, okay, now, uh, zoom in 50-p and focus." "Can you clean up some of the noise, Houston?" "♪ Yes, it's true that cheaters always lose ♪" "We'll call you back when it's time to do the video thing with the kids." "Out." "Sorry, man." "So how long can I wait to call her, like a week?" "Guys, where's my picture of Janine?" "[Bell dings]" "The bathroom's free." "[Rolling stones' get off of my cloud playing]" "♪ I said, hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪" "♪ you ♪ ♪ You ♪" "♪ get off of my cloud ♪" "You bastard!" "I.S.S., this is Houston." "We are now on board to video conference with minotta high school." "Colonel bowers, can you hear us?" " I am gonna kill you!" " I have a Caucasian fetish!" "It's not a good time, Houston." "Technical difficulties." "I want to talk to the kiddies." "Hi, kids!" "If you ever become an astronaut, you might want to lock up your girlfriend while you're in space." "Or when you're going to the grocery store, because you can't trust women!" "Aah!" "You're the woman, cowgirl, 'cause you have no balls!" "Huh?" "By cheating on you, your earth girlfriend is making a mockery of the entire space program and all the astronauts who have ever been a part of it!" "You ever think the great Chuck yeager would ever put up with this crap?" "Uh-uh!" "Right now the late John Glenn must be rolling over in his grave." "If you don't break up with Janine right now," "I will." "Takashi!" "That's enough." "No, Craig." "Takashi's right." "I mean..." "Chuck yeager was never an astronaut, and John Glenn isn't dead, and I have no idea how he would break up with my girlfriend, but..." "He's got a point." "This has gone on long enough." "Takashi..." "Get Janine on the line." "Nice." "Catch you on the flipside..." "Colonel balls." "Colonel balls." " Psh!" " Pshew!" "Hey, Janine." "We need to talk." "All right, what do you want to talk about?" "Well, I, um..." "I've been doing a lot of thinking about this." "And, um..." "It's not working." "What do you mean?" "What's not working?" "I'm saying..." "That we're done, Janine." "I..." "I need space." "W-w-w-wait." "You're breaking up with me?" "Sorry I couldn't be there, kiddo." "Colonel Scott bowers..." "Out." "[David bowiestarman playing]" "Congratulations, colonel." "You're a free man." "♪ ♪" "[Voice breaking] I thought she was the one." "Let's go." "Where are we going, Craig?" "Let's take a walk." "♪ Just smile for me ♪" "♪ and let the day begin ♪" "♪ you are the sunshine ♪" "♪ that lights my heart within ♪" "♪ I'm sure that you're an angel ♪" "♪ in disguise ♪" "♪ come take my hand ♪" "♪ and together we will rise ♪" "♪ on the wings of love ♪" "♪ up and above the clouds ♪" "♪ the only way to fly ♪" "Hey, Craig." "Can we just go back inside, man?" "All that buckling and fastening really wore me out." "Look at that thing down there, Scotty." "Almost seven billion people on that thing-- seven billion." "And you know what?" "Some of them are skanks." "Janine." "And some of them are saints." "Here you go." "♪ I'm crazy about you, baby ♪" "No way." "Are you seriously giving me another ticket?" "Do you just, like, not see this?" "I'm a pregnant woman!" "I'm a pregnant woman who is helping out a homeless person!" "♪ On the wings of love ♪" "Some of them are lost, and some are discovering things for the very fist time." "What's wrong?" "My shoe's untied." "Okay." "♪ On the wings of love ♪" "Some are afraid, and some are happier than they've ever been." "See, this is why I didn't want her to be godmother." "♪ Flying high ♪" "♪ upon the wings of love ♪" "But most importantly, 52% of them are women." "And the chances that one of those women wants to have sex with an astronaut are pretty damn good..." "[Chuckles]" "Which is great news for you, my man, because you're colonel Scott bowers-- astronaut." "♪ Together flying high ♪" "♪ flying high ♪" "♪ upon the wings of love ♪" "♪ la la la la la ♪" "♪ la la la la la ♪" "♪ the wings of love ♪" "♪ la la la la la ♪" "Nooo!" "♪ The wings of love ♪"