"Take a letter to Paramount Studios, Hollywood." "Gentlemen, I've read the book of your show, and as your legal advisor, I'm writing to let you know... that it really can't be done." "I know it's all in fun, but there is a state called Louisiana, and anyone can tell that they're gonna be sore as..." "Well, you won't get away with it." "They'll sue you... and the writers and the actors too." "Because there are laws, laws that specifically say... you can't write a book or a play... based on characters living today." "Yes, the cast will go to jail, of that I have no doubt." "But speaking as your attorney... ?" "Let me say that there is a way out ?" "?" "You can make the whole thing legal ?" "?" "Without changing a line in your book ?" "?" "It can still be Louisiana ?" "?" "You can call a crook a crook ?" "?" "But you must say it's based on fiction ?" "?" "And everything will be fine ?" "?" "Yours truly Sam Horowitz ?" "?" "Of Rafferty, Driscoll and O'Brien ?" "?" "Before the picture starts we say with all our hearts ?" "?" "The characters portrayed in our musical charade ?" "?" "Have not been based on persons living or dead ?" "?" "They've all been made up out of the author's head ?" "?" "The politicians we investigate ?" "?" "Could come from Kansas Maine or Indiana ?" "?" "So we laid our story in the mythical state ?" "?" "A mythical state we call Louisiana ?" "?" "Within our simple plot you'll notice quite a lot ?" "?" "Of references to crooks who have monkeyed with their books ?" "?" "The law says shows like this one ?" "?" "Can get by with one restriction ?" "?" "It must be fiction ?" "?" "We've tried to stay within the law ?" "?" "That's why we laid the scenes ?" "?" "In New Orleans ?" "?" "A city we've invented so that there would be no fuss ?" "?" "If there is such a place it's certainly news to us ?" "?" "Yes, it's certainly certainly news to us ?" "?" "Mythical, mythical fiction, fiction ?" "?" "Mythical, mythical fiction, fiction ?" "?" "Mythical fiction, mythical fiction, ah ?" "Ohh." "You're tellin' me." "Huh!" "Where's Whitfield?" "I've got to get back to the commencement exercises." "Oh, no, you don't." "We're all in on this together." "Now, keep calm, son." "Keep calm." "We've been investigated before, and we'll be investigated again." "Yeah, but we've never had Oliver P. Loganberry before." "They don't call him the watchdog of the senate for nothin'." "Senator Loganberry." "Where does he hail from?" "[Young Man] Some New England state." "I thought so." "Nothin' but a doggone Yankee carpetbagger." "He'll give us a fair trial." "If we get a fair trial, they'll hang us." "But think of the college." "If it ever comes out that the head of the English department... signs his name with an "X"..." "Well, let's drink up." "They tell me the liquor at Leavenworth... ain't fit for man nor beast." "[Door Opening]" "Well, Captain Whitfield, I'm glad you're here." "I always feel a lot safer with the police force around." "Well, boys, we're in for it." "We're in for it?" "Now wait a minute, fellas." "Don't pin it on me." "But after all, they expect it from you, Captain." "What?" "Whose idea was it... to make the football team share their salaries with us?" "Gentlemen, gentlemen, don't let's fight among ourselves." "A house divided must fall." "If it's gotta fall, let it fall on Jim Taylor." "Taylor?" "But he doesn't know what's going on." "That's the point." "Being innocent, he won't seem guilty... when they get him on the stand." "That's right." "We made him president of the Louisiana Purchasing Company." "We even got him elected to the state legislature." "And what's he ever done?" "Nothing but sit on his seat at the state capitol, taking our honest money and acting like a big shot while we do the dirty work." "We put him in there in case a situation like this came up." "Now let him earn his keep." "You'd better figure something out quick." "He'll be here any minute." "It's simple." "Jim Taylor gave us his power of attorney, didn't he?" "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "Every deal we've made, we've made in his name." "Hello, Mr. Taylor." "Hello, Sam." "With you home again, New Orleans looks more like New Orleans." "What did it look like without me?" "[Both] New Orleans!" "I'll be back in a few minutes, boys." "Here's the cards." "Play a little rummy." "Cut out the gin this time." "Yes, sir." "Hello, Jim." "Glad you're back." "So am I. Thanks." "Hello." "Hello." "[Laughter]" "Whoa, that's wonderful!" "Well, hello, fellas." "What's cooking?" "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Well, well... nothing's changed." "You're just the way I left you." "Jim, I have bad news for you." "Looks like your trial's coming up." "My trial?" "[Captain] You know, for all that lumber you sold the college?" "When did I sell the college lumber?" "The day after you left." "Oh, we paid for it, all right, but the following month you sent the college another bill, and through some mistake, the college paid your company again." "Wait a minute." "Why do you keep calling it my company?" "It is your company." "We used your power of attorney to put it all in your name." "Maybe if I sent back the second check with a sweet little note... they might think it's an oversight?" "We could explain the second check." "What you've got to worry about is the third check." "Yeah..." "I do?" "Uh... does anybody got a funnel?" "How much lumber did I sell the college?" "$25,000 worth." "$25,000 worth?" "Say, the Louisiana Purchasing Company... wasn't in the lumber business when I left." "Where did I get all that wood?" "It's a little complicated." "You remember the lumber the government gave the city... to build that new high school?" "Don't tell me I swiped the lumber from the government." "You shouldn't have done it." "Why monkey with the federal government?" "Oh." "The rough idea is I swipe the lumber, then I charge them for swiping it, then I sold it every month." "Am I a genius." "Hey, that's crooked, ain't it?" "Yeah." "Well, I'll never forget you boys... for the way you've trusted me, but the responsibility is too great." "You can sell my seat in the legislature to the highest bidder." "I'm learning to rumba, so I'm flying to Havana tonight." "So long, fellas." "Ha." "Pardon me, I'd..." "Is this him?" "[Captain] Yep, that's him." "Okay, you're pardoned..." "with pleasure." "I got his fingerprints." "We ge..." "That's about it, Jim." "Do you see what we mean?" "I see." "I'm gonna get a convoy." "All you've got to do is to get the senator in a compromising situation." "Compromise him?" "He doesn't drink, smoke or play cards." "Every time he lies down, they muffle a bugle and play "Taps."" "Well, how about women?" "Loganberry's 60 years old and has never kissed a woman." "He's been in "Ripley" three times." "Get him a girl, we'll make him think he's 19 again." "You expect me to do that with a power of attorney?" "If you don't, you'll regret it... for the next 20 years of your life." "Okay, I'll try." "After all, if the government could fertilize the dust bowl..." "I ought to be able to do something with Loganberry." "Will you join me?" "Hello, Oscar." "Hello, Mr. Taylor." "Can I have one?" "Hello, Mr. Taylor." "Next year you'll be buyin' papers from me." "Here, you can look at the pictures." "[Newsboy] Extra!" "Paper!" "Read all about it!" "Get your evening news!" "Extra!" "Paper!" "Read all about it!" "You got a slug, slug?" "Yeah, sure." "Oh, no, no, not that kind." "Just the phone." "Oh." "Help yourself." "Hmm." "Make your own, huh?" "Hello, Madame Bordelaise's Cafe?" "This is Jimmy Taylor." "Let me talk to Madame." "Madame." "[Indistinct Chatter]" "Too many cooks spoil the..." "Madame!" "Oh." "Mr. Taylor on telephone." "Jimmy?" "When did he get back?" "Hello, Jimmy." "Welcome home to New Orleans." "I'll be over." "I'm in trouble." "Certainly I'll help you." "Who is the girl?" "No, this time something else got me in trouble." "It wasn't legs, it was logs." "Good-bye." "I'm gonna be busy, so you can take the afternoon off." "Spend some time with your father and mother, if there's visiting hours today." "Mademoiselle." "Oh, excuse me, please." "Is this Madame Bordelaise's restaurant?" "Yes, mademoiselle." "May I see her, please?" "We are very old friends." "Oui." "[Bordelaise] Marina." "Oh, my little Marina." "You here in Louisiana." "What a surprise." "Yvonne." "This is a bigger surprise for me." "You have not changed in ten years." "Oh, but you have." "You were such a little girl." "What a beautiful place." "Oh, I'm so happy to see you." "Now, sit down." "How is your mother?" "Well, I trust." "No, she's not well, I trust." "Oh." "She's still in Vienna." "Oh, health is all right, but money and things..." "I want to get mama a passport too, but she needs $500 to come over." "$500?" "Mm-hmm." "I just paid my mortgage, but I'll get it." "No, no, no." "I don't want you to give it to me." "I want a job, any kind of a job." "I can dance or scrub the floors... or wash the dishes or anything." "But the estate." "First we sold one part of the estate, and then another, and then came Anschluss." "You know..." "liberation." "They liberated the rest of the estate from us." "Of course they left us the gardener's cabin." "Mon dieu." "Oh, it wasn't bad." "The gardener had some cows." "First we sold the milk, then the cows." "And then what?" "Then last year I got a passport for America." "I have my first citizen papers already." "In a few years I get my second papers, and then I'll go on relief." "Heil Roosevelt!" "Ah, bonjour, monsieur." "Voulez-vous prendre cette table ici, peut-etre... tres bien, je vous assiérai et personne ne vous derangera." "How do you do?" "La tempete est belle dans New Orleans, n'est-ce pas?" "Thank you." "Et maintenant, monsieur, voulez vous choisir?" "This is in French too." "Yes." "Well, could I order something in English?" "Certainly." "Certainly." "Monsieur would like to have something to drink before dinner?" "No, I'll just take my usual:" "A glass of hot water." "Hot water?" "Yeah, that's good for you before a meal." "Oh, very well, but, uh... now, what about something to eat?" "I will suggest some oysters." "I knew you were going to say that." "Every time I go in a restaurant, a waiter takes one look at me... and suggests oysters." "I don't understand it." "But, monsieur, this is New Orleans, the home of oysters." "I've had waiters suggest it to me in Nebraska, and Nebraska ain't the home of oysters." "Oh, but you see, the waiter realizes immediately... that monsieur is a connoisseur about food, so naturally he suggests oysters." "Say, maybe that's it." "All right, I might have some oysters." "May I suggest a New Orleans speciality?" "Oysters Rockefeller." "Oysters Rockefeller?" "Oh, no, you don't." "What's the matter?" "No." "A man in my profession can't afford... to have his name associated with Rockefeller." "What is your profession?" "Bend over." "I don't want this to get around, but I'm a senator, a United States senator." "We're supposed to knock big business all the time, see?" "We can't have anything to do with Rockefeller." "Oh." "I understand." "I can't even go to Radio City." "That is sad." "So I guess we'd better skip the oysters?" "Well, then, uh... what about some soup?" "Soup?" "Mmm." "Nah." "That's practically hot water, and I'm having that anyway." "I tell you what:" "You bring me a ham sandwich... and a cup of coffee." "A ham sandwich?" "In Bordelaise's, the best restaurant in New Orleans?" "Oh!" "What an insult!" "What's the matter?" "We are not in the habit of serving ham sandwich in Bordelaise's." "Oh, I get it." "A kosher restaurant, huh?" "Well, that's all right." "Bring me a hot pastrami on rye." "A hot pastrami?" "Sure." "I like that too." "Oh!" "Gaston!" "Oui, Madame?" "Madame?" "Have the gentleman served immediately." "Yes." "Il veut de I'eau chaude et du hot pastrami." "Tu t'imagines, chez Bordelaise?" "On a pas d'idée d'une chose pareille." "Aussi donne lui un sandwich... de n'importe quoi et ca fera la rue michel." "With mustard." "Wi..." "I suppose it's quite an honor to you... having a senator eat here." "We've had a lot of senators." "Oh." "And we've had ambassadors and presidents." "Is that so?" "Uh, President Roosevelt ever eat here?" "No, but we had Coolidge and Hoover." "Ah, Coolidge and Hoover." "Well, in those days it was still legal... for a Republican to be president." "Why?" "Isn't it legal anymore?" "It hasn't come up recently, but if it ever does, I don't think the new supreme court... would declare it constitutional." "Voila, monsieur." "C'est un bon client, n'est-ce pas?" "Quel ballot!" "Tais-toi!" "Tais-toi!" "Tais-toi!" "On a pas d'idée d'une chose pareille!" "[Whistle] Don't do that." "This is a pretty expensive place." "You'd better wait outside." "Uh-huh." "[Whispering] Bordy!" "Jimmy?" "Jimmy Taylor!" "Is it really you?" "This is a fine time to make sure." "I'm so happy to see you." "Oh, thanks." "Mr. Taylor?" "Yes?" "You're just the man I'm looking for." "I'm busy now, shorty, and I have all the insurance I can carry." "What I want you to do, Bordy, I wa... come in." "What's this?" "My card." "I told you I'm busy." "I don't even know who you are." "That's the reason I gave you my card, so you'd know." "Well..." ""Mr. Oliver P. Loganberry."" "He..." "I'll see you later, Bordy." "All right." "I'll be around." "So you're Senator Loganberry." "Mm-hmm." "Well... heh heh." "Uh... do you want to come over to my table with me... while I finish my sandwich?" "The reason I want to go over to my table is... because they got the mustard over there." "The mustard." "Oh, uh... could I offer you a piece of this?" "No, thanks, Senator." "It would stick in my throat." "Well, then I'll just go right ahead." "Mm-hmm." "It's quite a coincidence, my running into you this way." "Yes, sir, it certainly is a small restaurant." "Yeah." "I was afraid I'd have to send J. Edgar Hoover after you." "Oh, well, we wouldn't want to trouble him, would we?" "What was it you wanted to see me about, Senator?" "You're the president of the Louisiana Purchasing Company, aren't you?" "Well, I was." "What do you mean, "was"?" "We elected a new president today." "We felt like we needed new blood... and we'd like to give the young fellas a chance." "I see." "I'm glad to have met you, Senator." "If there's any I can do to make your stay pleasant, just call." "That's very nice of you." "Good-bye." "Hey!" "Wait a minute." "There is something you can do." "What's that?" "I'd like to see your books." "Books?" "Uh..." "Yeah." "Why read that old stuff?" "There's a circulating library right..." "No, I don't want to read, I just want to add up." "Mmm." "Well, that's too bad." "Huh?" "Didn't you hear about the fire we're having?" "I mean had." "Fire?" "It destroyed all our records." "It started out as a hotfoot, but it got away from us." "That's too bad." "Much damage?" "No, the fire was confined to the bookkeeping department." "Destroyed all our records of sales, checks, valuable papers, but the rest of the building is still intact... and no lives were lost." "That was pretty fortunate." "So, as much as I'd like to cooperate," "I can't show you our books." "Of course not." "All burned up." "A beautiful set of books they were too." "I'll betcha." "Made out by the best certified public accountant money could convince." "You mean Simpson." "Yeah..." "Yeah, he's a good man." "I guess I'm lucky." "What do you mean?" "When I got to town, the first thing I did was to go to Simpson... and subpoena his duplicate set of your accounts." "I got 'em right here with me." "It's a very interesting record." "Only they, uh... the figures don't add up right." "I've gone over it very carefully from every angle." "I've had it checked, rechecked and certified." "You certainly seem to think of everything, Senator." "Just a case of experience." "I've been in politics for thirty years now." "When my side, the Republicans, are in, they tell me all the tricks they pull and... when the Democrats get in, I know just what to look for." " You fellas have to keep an eye on each other." " Mm-hmm." "It's a good thing for the American people we do." "That's the only reason they still have shirts." "Well, uh..." "I..." "I don't suppose there's any way you could forget about this, Senator?" "No." "No way I can see." "Might even get you ten years extra just for asking me." "Oh, uh... waiter." "Oui, monsieur." "Bring me the check, please." "Monsieur, check." "Voila, monsieur." "Check." "90 cents." "Oui, monsieur." "That's enough." "Any place that'll charge 90 cents... for a sandwich and a cup of coffee... can't be respectable." "There's a dollar." "That's ten cents for you." "Merci, monsieur." "He didn't even say thank you." "Well, I've enjoyed this little talk, Senator." "I'm very glad to have met you, Mr. Taylor." "I suppose I'll be seeing you again in the state capitol." "Look for me." "I'm in the sixth row on the aisle." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "[Senator] Oh, uh..." "Oh." "If you want to keep that briefcase... to look over those records, it's all right, because I had a lot of copies made anyhow." "Crook." "Jimmy!" "Huh?" "Something's the matter, no?" "Yes?" "Something's the matter, yes." "The senator." "He's going to send us all to jail for 1,000 years apiece... unless we get him first." "Besides that, the gang'll probably bump me off." "I've got to do something, and you can help." "Sure." "But how?" "I need a girl to go after the senator, a girl with plenty of ants." "Relatives?" "She can have relatives too, but she's gotta have ants." "Ants?" "Ants." "You know, flies that have been grounded." "Yvonne, I've been looking for..." "Marina!" "Jimmy, look!" "From heaven!" "Heaven?" "She must've had a rough trip down." "But that's what you wanted:" "Nice, sweet, demure." "But what about the ants?" "She has no ants." "What I'm after is ants." "You should go on a picnic." "[Jimmy] Ohh..." "[Bordelaise] Listen, Jimmy... an archduke and a baron, for this girl they killed themselves." "What?" "What?" "Yes!" "And then there was the count of Budapest." "There's no count of Budapest." "No." "No more." "He kill himself." "You mustn't say such things, Yvonne." "Yes, I'll say it." "Let him know how good you are." "Mr. Taylor wants to engage you." "You want to engage with me?" "Well, yes, I..." "But I do not love you, and I do not engage unless I love." "What's playing with her?" "Oh, no, no, no, darling, you don't understand." "Mr. Taylor wants to give you a job." "Good!" "What kind of a job?" "Well, it won't pay much." "Only $500." "$500?" "For $500, I can get a truckload of girls and two tons of caviar." "Never mind the caviar." "I'll take the $500." "She works fast." "Tell him what I did to the crown prince." "Oh, yes." "I know." ""He keel himself."" "Oh, you read about it in the paper." "Yes." "In the "Budapest Bugle." Come here." "She's not a bad-lookin' girl, but if she's such a killer, what's with those clothes?" "She looks like a fugitive from a down payment." "Oh, well, you see... when she ran away from the baron, she left everything behind:" "Her jewels, her clothes, everything." "Well, not everything." "So you know a lot about men, huh?" "Maybe you do not think so." "Well, it's barely possible." "So you think I'm barely possible." "Well, you might even go a little further than that." "Oh, I'm sure I could." "Like this." "Turn it off." "You'll wear out your battery." "You get the job." "I do?" "Yeah." "Now turn it on again." "What do I do?" "I'll arrange for you to have dinner... with the senator tomorrow night, then you can do your stuff." "My, uh... stuff?" "You know, the old stufferoo." "My, uh... stufferoo?" "But not all of it." "I don't want him to "keel himself." Oh." "I'll try to hold back." "I don't give him all the stufferoo," "I just give him half." "[Bordelaise] She must have new clothes." "I knew you'd say something like that." "What you want her to do, go without any?" "Yes." "No!" "No!" "Suppose I pick you up about 1:00 and we go on a shopping tour?" "Shopping." "Shopping?" "And Jimmy, don't worry." "You've picked the right girl." "If I haven't, you can tell the archduke and those other suicides to move over." "Tomorrow at 1:00?" "Tomorrow." "Ants." "She's loaded." "Oh, Jimmy, this is wonderful." "I want to look like an American girl." "Let's buy, buy, buy, buy." "You talk like one already." "[Saleswoman] Good morning." "May I assist you?" "Thanks." "We'd like to see some clothes for a senator." "What?" "Something that'll appeal to a disintegrating Don Juan." "I wouldn't call you old, sir." "Well, isn't..." "You would if you knew what I had on my mind." "This way, please." "May I show you something, sir?" "No, thanks." "I seen it." "Your young lady should look very well in clothes." "She's the type who can take 'em or leave 'em." "I'm not his young lady." "I'm his business." "You're entitled to your own opinion, but you can be wrong too." "Hello there." "[Jimmy] Shopping?" "Who's that?" "A friend of mine who's been on my tail for days." "He's practically a bustle." "These are the latest sport models." "Sports, huh?" "Have you anything appropriate for trapping an old goat?" "Oh, they're lovely." "I can hardly wait to put myself in them." "Oh." "I'll take that and that and..." "Don't mind her." "She stutters." "Very good." "Very good?" "She's batting a thousand." "We're really interested in some sheer, clinging, low-necked overalls for night work." "You got that type of thing?" "Of course." "Oh, you have, eh?" "Somebody strap me down." "Oh." "So that's the kind you are." "You mean there's another kind?" "[Coughs]" "Is that what they mean by the open door policy?" "Well, they're beautiful." "I'll take them all." "Yes, I would..." "All?" "Now I know why all those noblemen shot themselves." "Say, does fluid drive come with this model?" "That reminds me:" "I must get some vitamin B pills." "Oh, what a country." "Say, come to think of it, shouldn't you have a bathing suit?" "Why?" "The senator might drool." "Oh." "We'd like to see some bathing suits." "Filled, of course." "What a racket." "[Wolf Whistle]" "Please, Malcolm, let's dispense with those long and low whistles... and the thought behind them." "Chicken under glass." "These are all next season's models." "Yeah?" "Let's see the season after next." "Ha ha." "Thank you, Jimmy, and good-bye." "Wait for me downstairs." "I may be out much quicker than I think." "All right, but don't think I'm a dope." "Don't pull nothing'." "Mind reader." "Wha..." "I thought we made good-bye." "Well, we make hello again." "Why?" "Is there something else?" "Are you kiddin'?" "I hate to shop and run." "Besides, if you're going to tackle the senator, we'd better have a rehearsal." "Rehearsal?" "How will we rehearse?" "We'll go through the motions." "I'll pretend to be the senator, and you pour on the stufferoo." "Stufferoo?" "Oh, no." "I pour on the stufferoo tonight." "Oh, no." "Look, I'm the senator." "What are you doing in my room?" "Must I call the house detective?" "But, Senator, you do not understand." "I have come here specially to make this visit with you." "Young lady, I know just what you're lobbying for, and... you've got a beautiful lobby." "But, Senator, I do not want to lobby with you." "This means very many to me, alone..." "like this." "Marina." "Remember, you're the senator." "Loganberry never felt like this." "Please, Jimmy, one man at a time." "First I must get the senator in a promising position." "Okay, but remember, after you've finished with Loganberry," "I want a chance to blow my brains out." "Well, I've never seen a cleaner-lookin' bunch of vultures." "I hope you've thought of something good." "I've procured the services of one of the world's most dangerous women, including the Scandinavian." "Miss Marina's in there, sir." "This is it." "Thanks, Sam." "Let's take a look." "Good evening, gentlemen." "Wait a minute, boys." "This is to get us out of a jam." "What she hasn't got, she doesn't need." "What she doesn't need is good enough for me." "I'll buy that." "I'm not late, am I?" "How do you like?" "I like fine." "I knew you'd come through, Jim." "Yes, sir." "From here in, we'll leave it all to you." "Boy, if she was black, she'd be beautiful." "I'll call the senator and make an appointment." "Take these." "You know what to do with 'em." "Shoot him from every angle." "Hello." "Give me Senator Loganberry's room, please." "I've been with him all afternoon." "We're practically bosom pals." "Hello, Oliver, this is Jim." "Jim Taylor." "You know, Louisiana Purchasing Company, the one whose books are short?" "Well, this is shorty." "Meet you?" "Wh..." "I'm in bed, practically." "Um, it's... it's s... s..." "18 minutes past seven, and I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow." "He's shy." "He wants to be coaxed." "Meet me at Madame Bordelaise's and I'll give you the lowdown." "I've been telling him all about her." "Boy, is he steamed up." "You mean you're ready to turn state's evidence?" "Oh, sure." "Anything you want, from soup to nuts." "Well, that's fine." "Fine." "You see, I gotta get back to my home state... and start campaigning for re-election, or I'm liable to lose my senatorial seat." "Well, you've got an awful lot to lose, Senator." "Okay, it's a date." "Boys, I have to give Marina a final polishing job, so meet me there, will ya?" "You think I got the, uh... ants?" "Honey, you're covered with 'em." "I have a lot of fun with you when you take me shopping." "I have a lot of fun when you take me." "Good." "I like two people should have fun together." "Well, we could have a lot of fun together, but... business before business." "You see, you're my private secretary." "You tell the senator I'll be a little late... and that you can explain things till I get there." "What I explain?" "You're not going to explain." "When he opens his books, you get to work." "I'm counting on your figure to make him forget ours." "You like my figure?" "There are a lot of things I like about you, only..." "Only what?" "Well, there are some things I don't like." "What?" "All those noblemen, for one thing." "Oh, but they are dead." "Yes, but there they are." "But you are different." "You are not noble." "I see." "You never have any trouble with the peasants." "No." "No." "Heh heh." "[Bordelaise] Ah, good evening, Senator." "Good evening." "Please go in." "Go in." "Say, what is this?" "Where's Taylor?" "He's to meet you here." "This is our private dining room." "Oh, yeah." "I never been in one of these before." "Ha-ha." "Won't you sit down, Senator?" "Thanks." "That was awful good pastrami I had yesterday." "Oh, I'm glad you liked it." "Pardon me." "Are you Madame Bordelaise?" "Yes." "I'm Marina Von Minden." "Is Senator Loganberry here?" "Yeah, that's me." "I'm Mr. Taylor's private secretary." "Oh." "He will come later." "While we are waiting, I can explain anything." "Oh, well, won't you sit down 'til he comes?" "Thank you." "[Bordelaise] While you are waiting, Senator, may I send you up some of your hot water?" "That's a good idea." "Will you have some?" "Hot water?" "Yes." "No, thanks, I just have my bath." "Uh... well, this isn't for bathing, it's for drinking." "No, thanks, I do not like it." "Could I offer you something else?" "Some cold water, maybe." "Hot water?" "Cold water?" "I think you are old foof." "Huh?" "Oh, old foof!" "Oh, yes." "We have very good old foof. 1880." "I'll send it right up." "What is this old foof?" "I hope it's nothing intoxicating." "They tell me so many girls drink liquor nowadays." "Not me." "I believe in..." "probation." "Uh, pardon me." "What sort of an accent is that you have?" "Oh, that's Viennese." "Oh." "I'm not here very long." "I see." "You, uh..." "live here with your family?" "No." "My mother's still over there." "I can't bring her over yet." "Why not?" "Those dirty, stinking immigration laws." "Immigration laws." "I wrote them." "You?" "Perhaps you could bring her over here." "Oh, sure I could." "Like that." "Really?" "But she'd have to have $500." "Oh, she'll have that, all right." "I'm getting it tonight." "Oh." "Well, uh..." "what is her name?" "Countess Maritza Von Minden, 32 Josefstrasse, Vienna." "32..." "Josefstrasse?" "Uh-huh." "[Whispering] Josef..." "Strasse." "Uh, how do you spell that?" "Yaht-O-S-E-F..." "Strasse." "Yaht?" "Yaht." "You better write it." "Your mother is a countess?" "How did that happen?" "Very simple." "My father was a count." "Oh." "Well, that sounds reasonable." "I'll send a wire tonight, and she can come over as a visitor... under my protection." "How's that?" "Oh, Senator." "Oh, you didn't have to do that." "[French Accent] Ahem." "Senator Loganberry?" "Yeah?" "I have the honor to present myself." "I am Madame Bordelaise's head waiter." "I am Jacques." "Hiya, Jacques." "Madame Bordelaise told me to take good care of you, and I am going to give it to you... good!" "Observe." "Voila!" "My staff." "Pierre, Albert, Robert... and, uh... polar bear." "They certainly give you good service here." "Five waiters for a glass of hot water." "Albert." "This way." "Senator." "Observe." "What is that?" "This is pure Mississippi River water." "Oh." "Temperature is as you wish?" "Yeah, that's about right." "Mississippi River water, huh?" "Uh-huh." "Would you mind putting a squirt of lemon in it for me?" "A squirt?" "A squirt!" "A lemon?" "Certainement." "Oui oui." "Tout suite." "Lemon!" "Voila!" "Voila!" "Take it on ze lam." "Warm it up out zere." "[Indistinct Chatter] Lemon?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Lemon." "[Jimmy] A little hot water for the senator, polar bear?" "Oh, yes." "Little hot water." "Very little." "Pierre, a little vitamin A for the senator." "Thank you." "Albert, a little pinch of salt for the senator." "A little pinch of salt with a slight gin flavor." "Robert, a little squirt of lemon." "The everlovin' squirt of lemon for the senator... and stir well before tasting." "Ah ha ha." "I taste." "Monsieur." "Hot water for the senator, and the old foof for the mademoiselle." "You taste, please." "Pure Mississippi River water, eh?" "Ah." "You sure?" "Look, there's a piece of the levy." "Gulp!" "Uhh... uh... whew." "That's a little hot." "The senator will blow on it or fan it with his hat." "Yes, that's better, but it tastes different... from what I had yesterday." "It don't seem to be hot, but still it burns going down." "I guess it's stronger." "That's the "whitamin" content." "It has the "whitamins" S, O, U, S and E." "Yesterday we have on hand only the Missouri water." "The Missouri water is much weaker than the Mississippi water, but you prefer the Missouri..." "No, I'm beginning to like this." "[Jimmy] Oh, you make me so happy." "Oh." "Very happy." "Hey!" "Oh." "Don't worry, Senator." "I'll take it off your check." "Vamoose." "Amera-cays." "[Loganberry] Oh... oh... oh, Jack." "Monsieur?" "Some more hot water." "Ah-ah!" "One more of these and he'll be higher than the B-19." "[Loganberry] I think I've seen that waiter someplace before." "Oh, Jack, haven't I seen you someplace before?" "Well, I don't know." "Maybe it was Paris, where I was head waiter at the Petite Poulet?" "No, I never been to Paris." "Maybe it was Washington." "That could be it." "Washington." "Washington." "Let's drink to Washington." "To Washington, B.C." "Washington... [Mumbles]" "Gulp!" "Washington." "Every time I think of Washington, I could cry." "There's a couple of guys in Europe who feel the same way." "[Crying]" "Oh, don't cry, please." "I was just feeling a little homesick... for Washington." "Oh." "I don't know anybody in New Orleans." "Everybody I try to get in touch with... doesn't want to see me." "Well, I know how you feel." "I don't recognize many people here either." "You don't?" "No." "I just work for Mr. Taylor." "Yes?" "After I finish my work, I go home right away... so I can worry by myself." "That's the saddest story I ever heard." "I'm lonely too." "Why, even when I get up in the senate to make a speech..." "I'm all alone." "?" "You're lonely ?" "Yeah." "?" "And I'm lonely ?" "?" "So why can't we ?" "?" "Be lonely together ?" "?" "The night is young and while it grows older ?" "?" "We can forget ?" "?" "Crying on each other's shoulder ?" "?" "The sky's cloudy ?" "?" "'Cause we're lonely ?" "?" "But soon we'll see ?" "?" "A change in the weather ?" "?" "Two lonely hearts beating as one ?" "?" "Can be miserable ?" "?" "And still have a lot of fun ?" "Ah ha-ha-ha." "?" "You're lonely ?" "?" "And I'm lonely ?" "?" "So why can't we ?" "?" "Be lonely together ?" "?" "The night is young and while it grows older ?" "?" "We can forget ?" "?" "Crying on each other's shoulder ?" "?" "The sky's cloudy ?" "?" "Cause we're lonely ?" "?" "But soon we'll see ?" "?" "So why... see ?" "?" "A change in the weather ?" "?" "Two lonely hearts beating as one ?" "?" "Can be miserable ?" "?" "And still have a lot of fun ?" "Oh, say, that was beautiful." "Oh, really?" "Oh, Jack!" "Some more hot water!" "Oh, Jack!" "Some more hot water!" "First time the Mississippi ever emptied into a senator." "[French Accent] Zere you are." "Uh, thanks." "Oh, golly." "I wish I could remember who you remind me of." "Oh, don't worry, Senator." "It will come to you." " [Hiccup]" " Don't reach for it." "It'll come to you." "I guess the Mississippi [Hiccup] is repeating on me." "Sounds more like the levy eez breaking." "Mademoiselle, I have a telephone message for you... private." "You will pardon me, Senator?" "Oh, sure." "Go right ahead." "I've run out of conversation anyhow." "We're all set." "All you've gotta do... is get on this guy's lap long enough for us to take a picture." "Do I got to?" "He's such a sweet man." "Do you want me to spend my life in jail... or floating down the river in a barrel of cement?" "No, Jimmy." "Then give him the works." "Okay, I'll give him the works, but I don't like it." "?" "Oh, my darling Nellie Gray ?" "?" "Oh, my darling Nellie Gray ?" "?" "They have taken you away ?" "Mmm." "Was it anything important?" "No." "It is Mr. Taylor." "He say excuse him, he'll be here in 10 minutes." "Mr. Taylor?" "He wanted to see me about somethin', didn't he?" "Oh!" "Oh, goodness." "Goodness." "What's the matter?" "I got a ruin in my stocking." "Hmm?" "Look." "Oh!" "You think that's anything?" "Look." "Ha-ha!" "Oh, say, maybe we ought to have something to eat, huh?" "[Loganberry] Uh... oh, Jack!" "Oh, no." "Ain't you hungry?" "No, I am on a diet." "Oh." "[Crying] What's the matter, another stocking?" "No, I've got something in my eye." "Oh, that's too bad." "Maybe I ought to get a doctor." "Oh, no, Senator." "I think maybe you can get it out." "Have you got a handkerchief?" "A handkerchief?" "I had a handkerchief." "What did I do with it?" "I got it here somepl..." "Here it is." "Uh... which eye is it in?" "I think it's this one." "I don't see anything." "Maybe it's the other one." "It must be the other one." "I think it's better if you sit down." "Oh." "And I also sit down." "Now can you see better?" "Oh, yeah, I think I see somethin'." "How's that?" "That's much better." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Say, this is funny, isn't it?" "What?" "You're sitting on my lap, ain't ya?" "Oh, yes." "That's what I thought." "Do you like it?" "I love it." "Uh, what was that?" "Oh, that, like a big flash?" "Yeah." "That was love." "Oh." "Say, let me sit on your lap, will ya?" "Oh, no." "No." "I just want to try it." "I never sat on a girl's lap." "I just wanna try it." "Are you all ready?" "Here I come." "Ha-ha-ha-ha." "[Laughing]" "Are you comfortable?" "I don't mind it a bit." "How do you feel?" "I feel just like Charlie McCarthy." "Hello, Mr. Bergen." "Hello, Charlie." "Am I wrinkling your dress?" "No, I don't think so." "I don't want to wrinkle such a pretty dress." "I'm glad I'm not wrinklin'-in'-in'-in'." "No." "Heh, heh." "Are you..." "Are you..." "Are you sure..." "I'm not too heavy for you?" "No, not for me." "I'm afraid I'm too heavy." "I weigh almost 200 pounds." "I..." "Oh ho-ho!" "I..." "You mustn't do that." "I..." "[Jimmy] Peeping toms." "Now, you were sitting right there, ze young lady was sitting on your lap, your heads were together, you were making love, and you were making that $500 smile." "Close-up, close-up." "Follow me." "[Loganberry] Were we like thi..." "There goes love again!" "You get everything you need?" "I got him from every angle in the U.S. Camera Guide." "Okay." "Oh, Senator?" "How about a little nightcap?" " Nightcap?" " Yeah, just try this on for size." "Ooh!" "I just happened to think of somethin'." "What?" "I just remembered who he reminds me of." "Who?" "Jim Taylor." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Yeah." "Jim Taylor?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." "If you didn't have a mustache, you'd be the spittin' image of Jim Taylor." "Oh, you mean like this?" "No, wrong again!" "[Laughing]" "I've bought you a costume." "Wait until you see it." "You'll be the sensation of the Mardi Gras." "Will I?" "Oh, what's wrong, Marina?" "You should be very excited." "Think of it." "Mardi Gras comes only once a year." "?" "?" "?" "["Louisiana Purchase"]" "?" "New Orleans, New Orleans ?" "?" "Louisiana purchase I'll tell you what it means ?" "?" "It means I'd like to sell you New Orleans ?" "?" "Come on, come on and you all can go to town ?" "?" "Way down in New Orleans ?" "?" "Louisiana salesman with nothing in his jeans ?" "?" "That's why I'd like to sell you New Orleans ?" "?" "Come on, come on and do all the things there are to do ?" "?" "In New Orleans ?" "?" "Where'd ya think that heat comes from ?" "?" "That rhythmic beat comes from ?" "?" "And that red meat comes from ?" "?" "New Orleans ?" "?" "Louisiana purchase I've told you what it means ?" "?" "So won't you let me sell you New Orleans ?" "?" "Come on, come on, come on, come on along ?" "?" "Come on way down to New Orleans ?" "?" "?" "Louisiana purchase I'll tell you what it means ?" "?" "It means I'd like to sell you New Orleans ?" "?" "Come on, come on and do all the things there are to do ?" "?" "In New Orleans New Orleans ?" "?" "Where does that heat come from ?" "?" "That rhythmic beat come from ?" "?" "Where does that heat that rhythmic beat ?" "?" "And that red meat come from ?" "?" "Louisiana ?" "?" "Loui-Louisiana ?" "?" "Come on along come on along, come on along then you can go all to town ?" "?" "Way down in New Orleans ?" "?" "?" "Louisiana purchase ?" "?" "I'll tell you what it means ?" "?" "It means I'd like to sell you New Orleans ?" "?" "That new, new, New Orleans ?" "?" "Where do you think that heat comes from ?" "?" "[Scatting] ?" "?" "Where do you think that beat comes from ?" "?" "[Scatting] ?" "?" "And that red meat comes from ?" "?" "[Scatting] ?" "?" "New Orleans ?" "?" "Louisiana purchase ?" "?" "Yeah, New Orleans ?" "?" "I've told you what it means ?" "?" "So won't you let me sell you New Orleans ?" "?" "Come on along come on, come on ?" "?" "Come on along ?" "?" "To New Orleans ?" "?" "To New Orleans ?" "?" "?" "[Bordelaise] Look, there's Jimmy." "Jimmy!" "?" "Oh, Jimmy!" "Pause, James!" "?" "Long live King Taylor!" "?" "Here, press this for me!" "?" "?" "Hey, what is this?" "?" "Five hundred dollars." "My payoff!" "?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "?" "?" "[Indistinct Chatter]" "?" "To Mardi Gras!" "To Mardi Gras!" "To Mardi Gras!" "?" "[Indistinct Chatter]" "?" "?" "[Laughing]" "I want you boys to be the first to know, now that we have Loganberry where we want him... and jail isn't staring us in the face, Emmy Lou and I are gonna get married." "Well, congratulations!" "Good for you!" "I love him so much, I could just die." "Uh-huh!" "She's always saying that, but she never does!" "[Laughing]" "?" "Senator, I've been looking all over for you." "I haven't thanked you enough." "Now, you..." "You'll have to break yourself of that habit." "Why?" "Don't you like it?" "It's from my heart." "Well, I can't help where it's from." "I've got to be a little careful." "You see, I'm a dark horse." "Well, you look all right to me." "No, you don't understand." "That's another expression... for somebody who thinks he can be president." "President!" "Yeah, I've been a dark horse for the last nine elections." "Ever since you were a little pony?" "[Giggling] Yeah." "They tried to give it to me in 1940, but I outsmarted 'em." "Uh-huh." "But next time, I think I'll have a chance." "I'll show you how it figures." "Uh-huh." "There are 22,000,000 Republicans who will vote the ticket... even if we put up Li'I Abner." "Is he a Republican?" "Yeah." "And this investigation should be worth at least 5,000,000." "Mm-hmm." "The public loves a good crusade." "Makes 'em think that we're looking out for their interests." "Oh, I'm glad I came to America." "It's wonderful." "Marina, would you mind trying a dance with me?" "Of course!" "Come on." "Well, Senator, I've been looking all over for you." "No wonder I didn't recognize you." "What are you supposed to be, a used laundry bag?" "No, I'm still a senator." "I'm an old Roman now." "An old Roman!" "Quite a Colosseum you got there." "Look..." "What is it?" "I want to show you a picture I found in an Easter egg." "Come here a second." "Senator, I want you to meet some members of the old and now defunct firm." "Colonel Davis, Senior and Junior, Dean Manning and Captain Whitfield." "[Together] How do you do?" "How are you, gentlemen?" "You look like a nice bunch of fellas." "I'm sorry I've got to do what I got to do, but I gotta do it." "You may not have to, Senator." "Here, take a look at this and hold on to your eyebrows." "It looks like a drunk." "Correct, Senator." "You hit the nail right on your head." "Get a good look, you may recognize who it is." "Say, wait a minute." "That looks like me." "That's right." "That's either you or a reasonably plastered facsimile." "I was never drunk." "No?" "Then how'd that girl get in your lap?" "Don't tell me that was the only chair in the room." "I never had a drink in my life." "All I had last night was some Mississippi River water." "I got a witness." "I'll take this and give you three witnesses and six points." "Why, even your own secretary can..." "That girl." "Say, that's you." "Yes." "Oh, I begin to get it." "It was a frame-up and she was in on it." "We're willing to leave that to the American people or Dr. Gallup." "Take your choice." "You mean you're going to print this?" "Not necessarily." "If you called off the investigation, we could forget about this." "You come down with amnesia and we'll catch it." "There's a train pulling out of here at midnight." "I'll give you a police escort." "What do you say, Senator?" "Well, I guess I'll have to take it." "I got a record of 30 years in the senate... but it wouldn't hold up against this picture." "You're a pretty smart fellow, Mr. Taylor." "I kind of wish you were a Republican." "No hard feelings, Senator." "No, no hard feelings." "After all, it's only politics." "Only it might've been nice to have had a chance... to be president." "My sister would've liked it." "You get your name in all the history books with the other presidents." "Other presidents?" "You mean there was somebody before Roosevelt?" "Wait a minute." "Let me see that picture." "There's nothing bad about this." "No, maybe not for you." "But it'd mean ruin to me." "Anyway, you got your mother in." "You're still going to bring her over?" "I'm not going to stop it now." "That'd be pretty cheap revenge, wouldn't it?" "No wonder I love you." "Sure, that's why you lov..." "What?" "Love?" "You call that love?" "Why, you're almost old enough to be his daughter." "The senator and I got engaged last night and here we are celebrating before the marriage." "Huh?" "I smell a rat with a Viennese accent." "Do you mean to say..." "Do not try to hide it from them, Oliver." "You know I proposed and you accepted." "Are you sure?" "You're a little hysterical." "Why don't you creep off and hold your breath a little too long?" "Go ahead and try and print those pictures!" "You know who they will hurt?" "You!" "Snooping on two people who are engaged." "No decent paper will print it and you know it!" "If we're engaged, this is blackmail!" "Who's double-crossing who?" "Let's be fair about this." "I am double-crossing nobody." "I did your job." "Can I help it if I fell in love?" "You fell in love with a 60-year-old foof?" "I am not a foof!" "I know." "I was bein' polite." "You fell in love when I was around?" "A 30-year-old foof?" "So this is the girl you dug up to help us!" "Jim." "Come along." "We want to talk to you." "Wait a minute, fellas." "She's only kidding." "Tell them." "No, I'm not kidding." "Come on, Senator, let's celebrate our engagement." "All right." "Do you like Mississippi River water?" "A female Benedict Arnold." "Come on!" "Get goin'!" "Take it easy!" "I admit, on the surface, it looks bad, but if you think about it..." "it gets worse, doesn't it?" "Come on!" "Hey!" "[Indistinct Arguing]" "Let's get back to the ball and enjoy ourselves." "Wait a minute!" "I can't walk around like this!" "We'll send you somethin' to wear, somethin' to fit your personality." "Never mind my personality." "At least throw me a fan!" "[Growls]" "[Barks]" "?" "It's a lovely day ?" "?" "A-tomorrow ?" "?" "Tomor... ?" "What am I singing' about?" "Am I a jer..." "I'm nuts." "?" "Tomorrow is a lovely day ?" "Yeah, if I live that long." "?" "Come and feast your tear-dimmed eyes ?" "Feast!" "Here I am, caught in the draft again, and you're talkin' about eating!" "?" "On tomorrow's clear blue skies ?" "Fine time for a weather report." "?" "If-a today ?" "If-a to-a-day!" "?" "Your heart is weary ?" "Weary, he says." "I got heartburn!" "?" "If every little thing looks gray ?" "I can see those gray walls." "I hope I get a low number." "That's all I ask." "?" "So forget your troubles ?" "?" "And learn to say ?" "Aw, shut up!" "?" "Tomorrow is a lovely day ?" "?" "Hmm-hmm ?" "[Chuckling] Jolly!" "Jolly!" "Politics!" "I should've stayed in the butcher shop, blowin' up turkey bladders." "What was I do..." "Heh-heh." "Ha-ha!" "[Kissing Sound] ?" "Tomorrow is a lovely day ?" "So, you're going to marry the senator." "But he's 60 years old, if he's a day." "To save my mother, I will marry him if he's 90 years old, if he's a day." "Oh!" "But you don't love the senator." "Yes, I love him!" "What?" "Yes, I love him like he was my own son." "[Laughing] Everybody feels that way about the senator, but that's not enough for marriage." "Jimmy Taylor likes you a lot, you know." "Hmm." "Yes, I know." "He's crazy for me!" "[Chuckling]" "And much younger than the senator." "Yes, I know." "I like him in a much younger way from the senator." "[Sighing] It would be lovely if I could marry Jimmy... and adopt the senator." "[Laughing]" "I've been lookin' all over for you, you double-crosser." "Don't call me names, you crook!" "Who's a crook and how did you find out?" "The senator." "He tell me all about you and your crooks." "What did you sell out for, $600?" "I do not what I do for money." "I do it because I like people who are honest." "Single-crossers!" "I suppose it's honest to marry a man old enough to be your grandfather." "It is more honest than framing him up." "I did what I did in self-defense." "You're doing what you're doing in cold blood." "You're only jealous." "You only want to make marriage with me yourself." "Are you kiddin'?" "I wouldn't marry you if you were the last woman on earth!" "'Course, I'd still keep your phone number." "I'm more good-natured than you." "If you were the last man on earth, I would marry you." "But only if you were the last man!" "If I were the last man." "If I were!" "Bordy!" "Jim, I'm glad you're here." "Marina is so unhappy." "She's unhappy?" "You don't understand why she's marrying the senator." "She's doing it for her mother." "Why does her old lady want to see me go to jail?" "No, she's getting into the country." "Oh." "Well, she can have my quota number because I'll have to get out of the country." "Why?" "Look, Bordy, there's only one chance left for me." "Yes?" "And it's up to you." "Me?" "I should've thought of you first." "After all, it's your reputation that gave New Orleans its reputation!" "Oh, Jimmy, now you're just trying to flatter me." "No, I mean it!" "You can make the senator forget Marina, the investigation and the White House if you want to." "Oh, but the senator is such a cold-blooded fish." "Yeah, but you ever see what happens to a cold fish when you put the heat on?" "It's cooked." "And you can make him sizzle, honey." "[Laughing] Well, I suppose I could do it, if I put my mind to it." "Well, you put your mind to it and anything else you can spare." "All right, I'll do it." "And now you go to Marina and tell her you understand." "Oh, sure." "Thanks, Bordy." "You may be adding 20 years to my life." "[Knocking]" "Hello." "Marina, it's me, Jimmy." "I wanna talk to ya." "I know what you want to say." "That I'm a dirty double-crosser and no good." "Well, it's all true and I don't want to hear it." "Good-bye." "Oh, no, no." "That isn't what I want to say." "No?" "No, I would've done the same thing." "Madame Bordelaise told me all about your mother." "And you forgiving me?" "I forgiving you." "Please believing me." "Oh, but you will go to jail." "Oh, what's 15 or 20 years... as long as I know you'll be waiting outside those cold, gray walls." "And you'll run up to me like this, take me in your arms and kiss me like this." "Think I'll go back and serve another year." "You mustn't do this." "Why, don't you like it?" "Listen, if you marry the senator, this is what you'll get." "I don't say it's bad." "But if you marry me, this is what you'll get." "Think it over, honey." "[Indistinct Muttering, Snoring]" "[Telephone Ringing]" "Hello?" "Yeah, this is me." "Oh, well, I don't want to brag, Mr. Winchell, but if you like corruption, that's what I got." "Well, if you give me about 15 minutes to get dressed, you can come up and have breakfast with me and we could..." "Hello." "Oh, hello." "Oh, sure." "Ju..." "Hey!" "What are you doing here?" "I've come here to save Junior." "I'm not gonna see him sent to jail." "Who's Junior?" "Just a minute, Mr. Winchell." "You're ruining my life, and now I'm gonna ruin yours." "When that columnist comes up here, he's going to find me." "And I'm going to say I was here all night." "You can't do tha..." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, he hung up." "Hey, you get out of here or I'll call the police!" "Oh, no, I'll call them." "Help!" "Murder!" "Police!" "Shut up!" "Hey, there!" "What's goin' on?" "Aaah!" "Who sent you here?" "The dean." "Now, you get on outta here and let a big girl handle things." "Aw, I never have any fun!" "That's all right, go on." "Scoot!" "All right, Senator." "I got rid of her." "Yeah, that was a narrow escape, wha..." "Hey!" "You gotta get outta here too!" "[Knocking]" "Winchell!" "Hide, quick!" "Where is she?" "Tell me where she is or I'll kill ya!" "Where's who?" "Emmy Lou." "They told me she was here." "Now tell me, or I'll..." "Honest, you're killing an innocent man!" "All right." "If she's here, believe me, I'll find her." "Emmy Lou!" "Emmy Lou!" "A-ha!" "Now I know she's here." "You cur!" "There's nobody here but me." "Oh, yeah?" "Is this yours?" "What is that?" "Brother, they ain't water wings!" "[Indistinct Noise]" "What was that?" "I didn't hear anything." "Well, I did!" "Oops!" "Sorry." "Well, you sure oughta be." "Now, can't a girl have any privacy?" "But I expected to find Emmy Lou." "Emmy Lou is in the closet of a room upstairs." "Ohh." "Well, that's all right." "What?" "Okay, Senator, the coast is clear." "Good morning!" "Aaah-hhhh-hhhh!" "Scram." "Say, who's order's you workin' under?" "Jim Taylor's." "Oh, that's all right, then." "[Door Closing]" "Hello, toots." "How did you get in here?" "And in my other nightgown!" "You brought me here..." "by brute force!" "When?" "When!" "Don't tell me you forgot." "Oh-ohhh!" "[Knocking]" "Winchell!" "[Knocking]" "Come in." "Senator Loganberry?" "Yes?" "I'm the house detective." "The house detective?" "Yeah." "I just got a report there's a wild party going on in this room." "No, there's nobody in this room but me." "[Knocking]" "Can I see you a moment, Sen..." "Wilson, you here?" "What seems to be the trouble?" "I'll tell you, Mr. Taylor." "There's been goings on going on in here." "That's impossible." "I'll vouch for the senator." "Thanks, Mr. Taylor." "Better yet, take a look at him." "Ain't that guarantee enough?" "Three women were reported here in this room and that's a case for the grand jury." "Three women?" "Who sent the other two?" "What?" "Three women?" "Why, that's nonunion!" "Ohhh-hhh-hhh!" "Ohhh-hhh-hhh!" "You've got to help me, Mr. Taylor!" "Certainly I'll help you, Ollie." "I'll tell you what you do, Wilson." "You wait outside while I have a talk with the senator." "I'm sure he must have a reasonable explanation." "Tch-tch-tch-tch." "Well, Senator, it looks bad." "Well... what do you think they'll do to me?" "You never know in Louisiana." "We're pretty hot-blooded about our women." "So are the women." "They may lynch you." "But that wouldn't prove anything, except that you've got a neck." "Mr. Taylor, I didn't do a thing." "Honest, I didn't." "Yet you admit there were three women in here." "Yeah, at least three." "Do you know there's a federal law covering that?" "Do I know it?" "Gosh, I helped pass it." "Senator, why don't you think of the future when you pass laws?" "Or didn't you think you'd have a future like this?" "Look, Ollie, let's lay our cards on the bed, marked as they are." "After all, as a state representative, I can pull wires and straighten out this scandal." "There's no scandal." "Don't worry, there will be." "All you have to do is sign a statement that the Louisiana Purchasing Company... is innocent of all charges." "Never!" "They can dunk me in tar and feathers, but I'll never sign away my honor!" "Okay, but if you're in Washington a year from now, you'll see less of the White House than Eleanor!" "Oh, you can't prove anything." "No?" "Hello." "Oh, I get it!" "This is another one of your frame-ups, isn't it?" "Oh, sure..." "No, that's ridiculous." "I just want to see that justice is done to this poor little flower of the South." "You're losing one of your petals." "Have you seen enough or do you want to wait for the supper show?" "I've seen enough." "Okay, I'll just draw up the papers." "I'm sorry, it's only politics." "And you know what they say about politics." "It certainly makes strange bedfellows." "[Door Closing]" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "They haven't got me yet, those blasted Democrats!" "I want a double brandy." "And put some whiskey in it." "Nothing for me?" "Oh, yes." "I'm gonna get you something too." "And send up a justice of the peace right away." "What?" "A wife cannot testify against her husband." "Hello, Sam." "I must see Mr. Taylor right away." "I'm sorry, Miss Marina, he just left." "Left?" "Where?" "There was some talk about catching a plane for Havana." "He said he was expecting a little hot spell and he had to get out of town." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Hey, fellas, wait for me!" "Wait a minute, what are you tryin' to do?" "Run out?" "Not if I can fly." "You can't leave me behind, fellas!" "You have our power of attorney." "Anything you do is all right." "Go to the capitol and sit tight." "We've turned over all our holdings to you." "They're all in your name." "That's wonderful of you, but I don't want it." "All I want to do is go with you." "Stay here." "Take your medicine." "I don't mind takin' my medicine, but must I lick the spoon?" "You're lucky we didn't have you taken for a ride." "Won't you even take me along... as the kibitzer?" "It's the FBI!" "Ho!" "Let's go." "I can feel J. Edgar Hoover breathing on my neck." "Why am I always last?" "Let me in there." "Hey, wait a minute!" "I'm with them!" "What kind of a racket..." "Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" "Hey, fellows, you're kiddin'!" "You're gonna leave me... here." "Jimmy!" "They tell me you fly to Havana, so I came to flying with you." "That's fine." "We just missed the carrier pigeon." "You don't seem very happy and delighted." "Oh, I'm happy and delighted, all right." "Huh." "Where will we go on our honeymoon?" "Think we can see Niagara Falls from Leavenworth?" "I just got a beautiful idea." "Yeah?" "We have to go to the state capitol immediately." "You expect me to go up there?" "The least I can do is make 'em drag me." "The senator told me he had to leave for home in three days." "What an idea." "How'd you ever think of that?" "I think about that American movie I saw, all about politics." "You're new in this country and on to all the rackets." "You're 100 percent American." "Hundred percent?" "Is that as high as you can go?" "Yeah, and still be honest." "Look, Jimmy!" "Boy, what a break." "The senator and his bride are here." "Yeah, nothing ever happens at the Grand Motel." "I think I'll stick with the senator tonight and find out what he's gonna do." "Okay, see you at the capitol." "All right." "[Whistle] Don't do that." "Did you..." "Hello." "Ohhh." "[Crickets Chirping]" "Hello, Mr. Taylor." "Oh, hello, Senator." "What are you doing here?" "I just stopped off on my way to the capitol." "What was that you were going through, your daily dozen?" "I was just going over the speech I'm gonna make against you fellas." "It's a pip, too." "Wanna hear it?" "No, thanks, I never go to previews." "Oh, just gonna plead guilty, huh?" "No, I think I've got an ace in the hole." "Well, no matter who wins, I want to thank you for what you've done for me." "I guess if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't be married." "I take it Madame Bordelaise's made you very happy." "Ohh..." "I don't know whether she's made me happy, exactly, but... she is interesting." "I've seen more gadgets that I didn't know about." "Gadgets?" "Yeah." "My wife wears a, uh..." "A... a contraption that looks like a straitjacket." "I think they call it a "griddle."" "A griddle?" "Yeah." "Oh, you mean a girdle, don't you?" "Girdle, yeah!" "How did you know?" "You never been married, have ya?" "No, but I read a lot." "And besides, the Louisiana Purchasing Company... also manufactures griddle..." "I mean girdles." "Maybe you can tell me how she gets into this thing." "It puzzles me because there don't seem to be any opening in it anywhere." "It can't go over her head." "Oh, no, she'd strangle to death." "All she does is put her hands in the girdle like that." "Yeah?" "To open it." "She couldn't do it like that." "She'd break her wrist." "Oh, yeah." "Tear 'em right off." "So, she puts her hand in like that." "Then she puts one foot in and then the other foot in." "Yeah." "And there she is, in the girdle." "Yeah?" "[Chuckling] She can't walk in it!" "She takes the one side and she pulls it up." "Then she crosses her leg." "That makes it smaller." "Oh, yeah." "Then she pulls the other side up." "Yeah." "Then she..." "[Grunting]" "[Laughing]" "Now it's on." "Well, this part's up, but that part's still down there." "Goes up in the back." "Yeah, it's coming." "[Laughing] And there it is, all one piece." "Equal distribution." "By golly, that's very ingenious." "Oh!" "There are two things on the sides with snappers on the end of'em." "What are they for?" "Oh, those things are to hold her stockings up, too." "How can she walk with that harness on?" "It's easy." "Just try it." "Follow me." "[Murmuring]" "The House will please come to order." "Next on our agenda... are certain charges brought against the Louisiana Purchasing Company... and members of the local government." "Gentlemen, please." "Please." "Charges brought by Senator Oliver P. Loganberry... of a northern state." "[Murmuring]" "Mr. Speaker..." "Mr. Speaker!" "[Gavel Pounding]" "The chair recognizes the gentleman from New Orleans." "But, Mr. Speaker, I raised my hand first." "And besides, I'm bringing the charges." "Don't worry, this won't take forever." "What is this?" "It's a filibuster, Senator!" "[Murmuring]" "Hey, Ed, it's a filibuster." "Yeah." "If Taylor holds the floor for three days, he's got Loganberry licked." "The senator's due back in his home state for a political rally." "You can't do this!" "Oh, yes, I can." "I got special permission from Jimmy Stewart." "Gentlemen, I want to start this auspicious occasion... by reading a brief statement on the glories of the South." "Gone with the Wind..." "[Laughter, Gavel Pounding]" "By Margaret Mitchell." ""She could get Rhett back, she knew she could." ""There'd never been a man she couldn't get once she set her mind upon him." ""I'll think of it all tomorrow, at Tara." "I can stand it then." ""Tomorrow I'll think of some way to get him back." "After all, tomorrow is another day."" "Oh, the glorious South." "[Murmuring]" "Mr. Speaker!" "Quiet, Yankee!" "[All] Quiet, Yankee!" "But I have to get home." "I've got business to attend to." "You better give up." "I'm gonna be talkin' a long while and I know how to talk." "My father was a tobacco auctioneer and my mother was a woman." "You better give up." "Never." "Never!" "Okay." "Let's see what's in the paper." "Ohhh." "I tell ya, this is a wonderful country we're living in." "You can always get help." "You can get cooperation any time you..." "Hi, Mr. Taylor." "Oh, hiya." "Thank you." "This'll just give you a rough idea." ""Friends, do you need money?" "We can help you." ""You can have as high as $500." "No security, no endorsers." ""You don't even have to have a job." "Pay the money back any time." "And when paid back, we let your mother out of the dungeon."" "Now, I just..." "Back in vaudeville." "[Clapping] Good morning, good morning." "A funny thing happened on the way to the senate." "There was a lady standing in the rain, holding her dress up over her hat." "I said, "Lady, you're gettin' your legs wet." She said, "I don't care." "My legs are 50 years old." "The hat's brand new."" ""Mother bear cooked a pot of porridge and poured it into three bowls," ""a big bowl, a middle-sized bowl and a small bowl and left it on the table to cool." ""Then the bears went out for a walk." ""They had such a good time, they stayed until..." ""the small bear got quite tired and hungry." ""While they were away, a little girl called Goldilocks, because of her golden hair," ""passed by the bears' house and knocked on the door." ""There was no answer, but Goldilocks saw an open window and climbed through it." ""The first thing she found was a table with three bowls of porridge." "[Amplified] "The porridge smelled so good, it made her hungry." ""She tasted the porridge in the big bear's bowl." "It was too hot." ""She tasted the porridge in the big bear's bowl." "It was too hot." ""But the wee, small bear's porridge was just right, so she ate it all up." ""She tried the middle-sized bear's chair." "That was too high." ""Then she tried the wee, small bear's chair," ""and it broke all to pieces." ""Goldilocks went into the bears' bedroom." ""The big bear's bed was much too big," ""and the middle-sized bear's bed seemed a little hard." ""But the wee, small bear's bed was so comfortable," ""Goldilocks went right to sleep." "It was just about then that the three bear..." [Clears Throat]" "Huh." "Can you imagine?" "Another drink." "And with the chalk in hand, the vagabond finished the sketch... of a face that well might buy the soul of any man." "And as he placed another lock upon that shapely head, with a fearful shriek, he leaped and fell across the picture, dead!" "[Shouting]" "[Murmuring]" "Only acting, Senator." "I hope." "[All] Ohhh!" "Ah." "Beautiful hair." "Dandruff." ""Invention number 9,412 is a snood for a chicken." ""You slip the snood over the back end of the chicken... and when she lays an egg, she brings it to ya."" "Let's forget inventions and take up cooking." "Jim Taylor's epic struggle has been going on now for three days... and this remarkable man shows some signs of weakening." "Water!" "Water!" "Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink!" "That's all, folks!" "[Murmuring]" "[Indistinct Talking, Shouting]" "Jimmy!" "Jim!" "[Indistinct Talking Continues] Are you still acting, Jim?" "[Man] Rub his hands!" "Rub his hands!" "Mr. Speaker!" "Gentlemen!" "I have absolute proof that Mr. Jim Taylor... has been the innocent victim of a bunch of crooks." "[Murmuring] And in view of the fact... that the FBI have apprehended these scoundrels," "I'm turning over my evidence to the state." "Now, I'm quite sure that you gentlemen are able to clean your own house." "[Cheering]" "Speech, speech!" "[Crowd] Yeah!" "Speech, speech!" "[Voice Cracking] Well, I don't know what..." "[Laughter]" "[Marina] Ollie!" "Ollie!" "Thank you, thank you!" "[Laughing]" "Gentlemen, gentlemen!" "Jim Taylor, the pride of the South!" "[Cheering]" "[Man] Jim Taylor!" "Jim Taylor for governor!" "[Cheering]" "For governor?" "Well, shut my mouth." "Shut my m..." "She did!" "[Laughing, Cheering]"