"Murder Most Horrid" "To whoever finds me." "There is a stamped addressed envelope on the bed." "Please place this tape recorder inside and post it." "Thank you." "Right." "Dear Mum, as you will know by now I am dead." "How are you?" "I just wanted to say..." "I just..." "Look, I've got everything wrong in my whole stupid life." "The one thing I've got to get right is telling my Mum how I feel about her." "[Banging on door]" "Tina, do you want to come for a drink?" "Oh sod off and die you lonely old pervert!" "Mum, I didn't mean you, Mum." "Mum." "Hang on a minute Mum, I'm coming." "Hang on, Mum." "Help!" "Person in the next room!" "Could you help me please?" "Person in the next room, could you come and help me please?" "God." "Sodding typical this is!" "Can't even hang myself without upsetting me mother!" "Oh well!" "One..." "Two" "Three..." "I was under the impression this room was free." "Well I'm doing my best." "Okay." "Just stay exactly where you are!" "Or what?" "I'll shoot you." "Well I'll hang myself." "You'll never make it!" "You came in through the window." "Why?" "So, ah... you're just about to hang yourself, are you?" "Yes." "Well excuse me for asking but do you think you'll be much longer?" "Abit longer, I suppose, yes I'm just five foot two at the moment. you see." "God, you're really into the grisly details, aren't you?" "Hold on, that's personal that is!" "The one thing I want to get right is telling my Mum how I feel about her." "It's my suicide note." "Why don't you sod off and die you lonely old pervert!" "I got it a bit wrong." "Look, you really truly want to go through with this?" "You care?" "Oh, yes, I do." "Very much." "Well I'm sorry but you're a bit late you see." "'Cos I've got no friends, I've lost me job, and I'm definitely hanging meself!" "Promise?" "Look, I need the room." "Oh, so you're not trying to talk me out of it then?" "You're saving me the effort" "What do you mean 'the effort'?" "Look, I'd love to stop and chat but I'm afraid I haven't got all day." "And you certainly don't." "Oh, sorry." "Excuse me." "Excuse me, you couldn't pass me that tape recorder on the bed there, could you?" "It's just I can't reach it you see cos of this noose thing I've got round me neck." "O.K. I need a chair." "I need a chair." "Erm... could I have that chair?" "In a minute." "What is it, what's happening?" "You're being shot at, what do you think?" "I'm only trying to kill myself for God's sake." "You'd better hurry up then, hadn't you?" "Oh God, I think I've been hit, I think I'm bleeding!" "Shut up will you!" "I've been hit." "My leg!" "It hurts!" "Embarrassed?" "I mean, most people, under the circumstances, could just about manage to kill themselves." "Flesh wound?" "Actually it doesn't matter at all." "No, you're soaking, there's blood everywhere." "Do you know, I don't think I did get hit after all." "I think I just panicked a bit." "What are you talking about, you're soaking!" "Oh, God!" "Sorry!" "I can't believe this!" "Well, I got a fright." "It's disgusting." "I thought it was blood." "Oh, honestly!" "Well, excuse me!" "I'm here in the middle of hanging myself and you jump in the door and point a gun at me." "And people are shooting at me from the window behind." "My bladder's never had to think so fast!" "You'd better be careful you're right in the line of fire there." "Oh Jesus, don't you have any control?" "From the people shooting through the window!" "No they were taking a risk they won't try anything for the moment." "Anyway, why should you care?" "Habit." "I'm a social worker you see." "Well I was a social worker." "I got fired." "I don't understand this!" "Well, I made a little mistake you see." "It wasn't just the one." "It was whole housing scheme actually." "What a mess!" "Yes, the police had barricades there for three days." "Apparently it's still burning." "What a stupid, stupid mess!" "It's very difficult to explain really." "It all started as some very exciting street theatre with my borstal group." "It's a bit embarrassing really because in the middle it all I was still applauding." "Sewing out the orange juice." "What are you going to do?" "[Phone Ringing]" "[Phone Ringing]" "You came here to kill yourself, right?" "Right." "So who'd be phoning you?" "Ah, well, it could be the Samaritans, to apologise." "What?" "Well, they hung up on me you see." "That's got to be a first." "No." "No, I think it's my friends from across the street." "Oh, is it your friends shooting at you?" "Oh God yes, I know how that goes." "Yes." "We know who you are and the details of your assignment." "You will present yourself here within one hour or you will be brought." "I look forward to meeting you." "What did they say?" "They want me to go and see them." "Will you go?" "Now that would be suicide." "You didn't get hit, did you?" "Not once!" "No." "Which rather suggests that... the angle is wrong... and they haven't seen you." "Carmela Vezza." "Hello." "Tina Mellish." "Nice to meet you." "You've done that before, haven't you?" "Not on alive one." "Come and sit down, Tina." "So." "Why are you helping me?" "Tina, I'd like to put a little proposition to you." "Okay?" "Right." "So far, in my professional life," "I have killed well over fifty people." "Oh!" "So you're a social worker too!" "No, not so much a social worker, Tina, as an assassin." "D'you know that's exactly what they said about me." "No, I think the crucial distinction here might be that I kill people on purpose." "Well, we all know what goes on when you've got a couple of bedwetters in your sheltered housing and there's a royal visitor on the way, don't we?" "No, Tina, I..." "Pillow time, right?" "Look, what I'm trying to explain is that I kill people for money." "On purpose, for large sums of money." "Right." "I'm a contract killer." "You're not, are you?" "Contract killer?" "Yes." "Prove it!" "Oh, I will, Tina, soon." "I promise you that." "Oh, good." "The situation is this." "There is a man, in an office across the street, and I have been hired to stop him." "However, the man in question seems to have got wind of this development." "Right." "So, the likelihood of my getting out of this particular contract alive is very small indeed." "Do you understand the problem?" "So, you want me to help you?" "These fit on your forearm as you can see." "This one fires a blade." "This one has a useful line in poison dads." "Why are you telling me this?" "Victim doesn't feel a thing thirty seconds later they're dead." "God, that's faster than a foster parent!" "Anyway..." "I was wondering if you'd like to be considered for fostering?" "Will you please shut up and listen!" "Right." "O.K. They're triggered by certain muscles in the forearm," "I'll show you in a moment." "Please be careful when shaking hands with people." "Colleague of mine accidentally wiped out most of his masonic lodge." "Oh God, I know how that goes" "I once took a day trip of wheelchairs on a hilltop..." "I don't wish to know, thank you." "...we still haven't even found most of them." "Will you please concentrate!" "Right." "The man I came to kill is going to kill me." "Unless I kill him first that is." "Now, he knows that I always work alone so the last thing he'll be expecting... is you." "Right." "What?" "No, no!" "I'm not going to kill for you!" "No." "Aren't you?" "Oh, that's the game you are playing, is it?" "Right well... two can play at that game!" "Stop." "What are you doing?" "One more move and you're dead!" "Yeah, well so am I!" "Helen Mellish!" "Huh?" "Dear Mum?" "Oh no." "No please." "Give me that!" "No." "Give that back." "Let's negotiate." "Hmm?" "Do you want me to go and get her?" "It'd be suicide." "You shouldn't have missed the first time." "What do you think she's doing up there?" "I don't know." "But we have to be ready." "Remember, she's the best." "And whatever she comes up with, it will be quite brilliant!" "Tina?" "Tina, are you all right?" "Are you having trouble getting into the building?" "Nothing I can't handle." "Now, just make sure you don't attract attention." "Right." "Where are you now?" "I'm inside." "By the lifts." "Right, well you're just about to be stopped by security." "Excuse me!" "Look, these guys are tough, we've got to handle this exactly right." "Big smile now." "Excuse me, miss, your pass please." "Ermm..." "Your pass, miss." "You didn't show it to me." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I thought I did." "I thought I did." "You don't think that at all, miss." "You walked right past me and hoped I wouldn't notice." "Wasn't born yesterday, miss." "I should mention I've had a long day," "I am no respecter of persons, female or otherwise, and I am empowered to use force when I'm cross." "So no more clever answers please!" "Where's your pass?" "Look in your handbag." "Look in your handbag." "Tina!" "Pardon?" "Tell him it was joke!" "It was a joke." "Big smile!" "Big smile!" "No!" "No!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Did you just tell me to shut up?" "Don't repeat everything I say, you stupid bitch!" "Don't repeat everything I say, you stupid bitch!" "I think you'd better just come with me, miss." "Go with him!" "Say nothing until I specifically tell you to!" "Wait... here." "This is bad." "If they throw you out, life gets very difficult." "These guys are really tough." "You just have to remember your average building security officer is just an ordinary man in unusually tragic need of a blow job." "What's a blow job?" "Oh, Tina, how can a grown woman not know Suffice it to say it's beyond the call of duty." "Right then." "Either you leave now or you explain exactly what business you have here." "You've got to get on this guy's good side, it's vital!" "I think I know what you're in need of." "Tina?" "You just want a blow job, don't you?" "Well?" "Do you want one?" "You serious about this?" "Tina, this probably isn't a good idea" "You just have to forget about that pass thing." "Alright?" "Wait here a moment." "Carmela, did you give me any blow jobs?" "Now that I would've remembered." "Tina, you're a virgin, aren't you?" "Well, never really fancied all that sex stuff." "It seemed a bit messy." "Messy, yes." "You wouldn't believe what kids in care do to themselves at night." "They'd all turn out to be perverts if I wasn't constantly spanking them!" "Tell me, Tina, do you find the security guard... attractive at all?" "No, he's horrid." "And he's got bad breath." "I'm afraid, Tina, a blow job is... well, technically speaking... oral genital stimulation." "That's quite a mouthful, isn't it?" "Oh." "Yes, quite." "You mean..." "Stimulation of the, uh... er..." "Of the whatsit." "By the mouth" "God." "You'd never think he'd be able to reach!" "Tina, listen..." "Ready, love?" "Well, uh..." "Come on then!" "This way, love." "Anybody in here?" "Wait in there, dear." "I'll just make sure we're not disturbed." "Tina, there's just one tiny detail I'd better explain..." "Now I know it's a disgusting idea, but don't overreact." "Tina?" "Tina?" "You haven't started already, have you?" "That's keen..." "So how's it going?" "He's dead." "WOW, you're good!" "No." "I mean I shot him, I've killed him." "Oh, Christ!" "Get out of there fast!" "There's a queue of them waiting outside!" "Perfect!" "Brilliant!" "Well, honey, you're just going to have to find a way of getting past them all!" "Next!" "Anything?" "The blind's still down, but she's moving about." "Are you sure you don't want me to go over there?" "Yes!" "Eventually she has to come to us." "Excuse me, have you got a Tina Mellish staying here?" "Well, I'll just have a look and see." "Oh I'm sure she's here." "She's my daughter." "I am at the top." "As you leave the lift, you should find yourself in a reception area." "Go to the desk, say that you want to see Mr Doverson." "Give the receptionist your name and tell her you've got an appointment." "But I haven't got an..." "Just do it!" "But I haven't got a..." "Tina!" "Can I help you?" "My name's Tina Mellish." "I've got an appointment to see Mr Doverson." "I don't think Mr Doverson has any appointments today." "Are you sure?" "Well, actually..." "Yes I'm sure." "Yes I'm sure." "Tina Mellish..." "Your name's not here." "There must be some mistake." "No there isn't, I haven't made an appointment." "Tina, what we're doing here is lying!" "We're just going to lie our little heads off about everything." "Now, you do have an appointment." "I do have an appointment." "And your name's Tina Mellish?" "No, it isn't!" "Tina...!" "You just said it was." "No I didn't!" "Tina, please..." "Well who is Tina Mellish then?" "He is!" "Tina, you can stop lying now!" "I don't really have an appointment you know." "Mr Lambert?" "Yes, what is it?" "You asked me to phone if anything odd happened." "Well there's a lady here asking to see Mr Doverson" "Tina, Lambert is dangerous." "Now he's bound to come and check you out so do nothing to arouse his suspicions!" "Tina Mellish, I think." "What the hell's this?" "Well don't look at me." "I just pointed at you like that." "There another one!" "What's going on here?" "Nothing, honest!" "Yes, yes I will..." "O.K." "Mr Lambert will be out to see you in a few a moments, please take a seat." "Who did that?" "Her!" "It's okay, don't worry." "Think I'll just take a seat over here for a moment?" "What's going on here?" "They just... died!" "People don't just die, Miss Fleming!" "Doesn't it make you appreciate how lucky you are to have your health?" "You killed all these people?" "God, you've got a suspicious mind, haven't you?" "Well done." "I'm working for the same people as Carmela We're on the same side." "I presume you are Carmela's agent?" "Lamberfs come over?" "Oh, thank God." "I thought I was a goner then." "Oh, Sorry, sorry!" "What are you doing now?" "I've just squirted Mr Lambert in the face with cyanide." "Sorry!" "I didn't inhale, it's okay." "That was ever so clumsy of me, I feel dreadful." "Here." "Oh, sorry." "Tina?" "I've just shot him with a poison dad now." "I think I got it out in time!" "Oh, Jesus, I don't feel so good." "I'm dying!" "Well that's lucky." "I'm very experienced at that you see." "Tina, for God's sake, can you not kill this one!" "He's useful." "With Lambert we've got a chance of getting out of this alive!" "I think he's going to be alright, Carmela." "He's just coughing a lot." "Listen to me." "You'll find a bottle of pills in your inside pocket." "Right, right, yes." "I tell you, Lambert was a real stroke of luck." "If only they'd just told me he was ours from the beginning, this whole thing could've been a lot simpler." "Tell Lambert to put the pill into Doverson's coffee." "It's concentrated scorpion venom." "Quite lethal." "He'll be dead within a minute." "Ah." "I hope his office is soundproofed." "It's a painful death." "Going to be a lot of screaming." "A lot of screaming..." "Am I going to be okay?" "It'll only hurt for a moment." "Why...?" "What have you given me?" "No." "Where's Lambert?" "Dead." "I put seven security men on the ground floor." "How did you get past them?" "Again, they're pretty much... dead in fact." "You murdering bitch!" "What about my receptionist?" "It's her birthday!" "Oh, that's a nice coincidence, isn't it?" "Doverson, can you hear me?" "Where you speaking from?" "I've fitted a concealed speaker to my assistanfs clothing." "Ingenious." "Thank you." "Carmela, should I be attempting lip-synch?" "No, no." "It's not important." "O KEY." "I've got her at gun point, Miss Vezza." "It's all over." "For you, yes." "You see..." "My assistant is very thoroughly equipped." "That's true, that is." "So you'd better be careful." "She is wired to explode!" "Yeah, I've got quite a temper, buddy." "No, I mean really explode!" "You bet!" "I'll hit the ceiling!" "And quite a bit of the walls too Tina." "I've wired you with high explosives." "Did you hear that?" "She's wired me..." "What?" "I have the detonator right here." "Explosives?" "Give her the gun." "I thought you said it was all gadgets!" "Give her the gun, Doverson, or I'll blow her up." "You rotten cow!" "She has the gun." "Tina, come to the window, show me." "You bitch!" "Tina, please be careful." "Those things go off very easily!" "Right, I'll show you!" "The chair I was standing on..." "Put it where I can see it!" "Look, I don't see what..." "Get on it!" "Put the noose round your neck!" "Quick!" "Now what?" "I'll shoot you!" "I'll hang myself." "Still got my tape recorder?" "Come and get it!" "You think I'm stupid?" "Throw it out the window." "I'll pick it up in the street." "On, no." "She's all yours!" "Nervous, Miss Vezza?" "Couldn't you at least try her room?" "I told you, I saw her go out myself." "Hey, you!" "With the letter!" "That's my letter that is." "That is mine." "Go on, make the call, get help." "That's all the time I need." "Tina?" "Mum" "What have you been up to, we've been terribly worried!" "Oh, Mum, what are you doing here?" "Oh, Mum!" "I've got so much to tell you I could burst!" "Dear Mum, as you will know by now I am dead." "How are you?" "The End"