"(barking orders)" "MAN (over P.A.):" "Attention, Sergeant Bilko." "Where is the colonel's staff car?" "Report at once." "WOMAN (over P.A.):" "Sergeant Bilko, where are your daily worksheets?" "Report to the company clerk at once!" "Now I ask you, how can a man think with that racket going on?" "Paparelli, fix it." "MAN (over P.A.):" "Sergeant Bilko, report at once to the..." "All fixed." "All right, men, what do you got?" "Two pair-- jacks and nines." "I got three queens." "What do you got, Sarge?" "Well, as Tommy Manville once said when he invited all his ex-wives to a reunion," ""I got a full house."" "Some people te..." "tell your fortune with cards." "Bilko just takes it." "Now, now, now, men, please." "When you play cards with me, you don't lose money-- you learn a trade." "Hey, Sarge, can I sit in for a hand, just for fun?" "Duane, you've forgotten your first lesson." "You never play for fun in the Army." "Poker is a serious business." "If you want to join us, go out and borrow a buck and come back." "All right, men, how about a round of Mexican slap the deck?" "What's that?" "You know the rules." "One-eyed jacks and red queens are wild." "Deuce of spades is a spade on either end." "Now, a five of hearts is an ace if you've got a three of clubs to go with it." "Ask questions..." "Officer coming!" "Officer coming!" "And so, men, when you disassemble the rifle be sure that your cylinder is not blocked by the trigger housing." "Now, when you get the rifle in its proper form, the trigger housing..." "Ten-hut!" "As you were." "As you were, men." "Sergeant Bilko, what are you doing?" "Well, we had a little spare time, and I was alerting the men on the workings of the rifle." "You see, sir, I always feel that, uh, idle hands are the devil's tools." "There's something wrong somewhere." "Wrong?" "The colonel heard that there was a big game going on in this barracks." "Game?" "Gambling in my barracks?" "Hey, Bilko, here's a buck." "Can I get in the game now?" "Why yes, Private Doberman, of course you can." "Here it is." "Look at those eager eyes." "Look at those willing eyes-- willing to learn." "What is this?" "You..." "He gave you a dollar." "Well, of course, sir." "You don't think I'd give him government property without getting a deposit!" "Of course, now he can have the dollar back if he brings the rifle back in good shape." "Oh, yes, sir, the first thing I try to do to my men is instill a certain respect for government property." "Oh, excellent, Bilko." "As you were." "Thank you, sir." "And so, gentlemen, when aiming the rifle, it's best to aim at enemies." "All clear." "I have fired..." "All clear." "Now..." "Sarge, Sarge, the way you take care of them officers-- it's a sheer delight." "Yeah." "You had him up to his knees in snow." "(all laughing)" "All right." "Sergeant Bilko, this just came for you special delivery." "Well, surprise day, huh?" "You want to sign here?" "Yeah, I'll sign." "Uh..." "Wausopi Falls, Wisconsin." "Must be from my Aunt Minerva." "There's a letter here." "See what it is." "(rattling)" "Sounds like a lot of junk in here." "Oh, that aunt of mine." "Someday they're gonna drop a net over her." "Open it up, Sarge." "What's in it?" "She's really..." "she's a dear old soul." "In her own way tries to keep the family together." "Let me see what it says here." ""My dearest nephew Ernest, Aunt Lena wrote me and told me that you were in the Army."" "News gets around fast in my family." "I've only been in 14 years now." ""Since you are an American soldier" ""these mementos are rightfully yours." ""They belonged to your great-great grand uncle" ""Major Joshua Bilko, who was on General Washington's staff during the Revolutionary War."" "You had an ancestor was in the Revolutionary War?" "My great-great grand uncle was on General Washington's staff." "No kidding?" "Go ahead, Ernie, what else does she say?" "Goes on to say, "Cherish these souvenirs" ""and carry on the great military tradition of the Bilkos." "Your loving Aunt Minerva."" "The great military tradition of the Bilkos." "Bilko?" "(men murmuring)" "The Revolution!" "The first president." "(astonished murmuring)" "Open that, Roc." "Yeah." "Bilko in the Revolution." "Hey, look at this." "Here's a broken sword." "Hey, there's an inscription on it." ""To Joshua-- a trusted friend and gallant soldier."" "From General Washington." "What does it say on the tag?" ""Broken in the Battle of Brandywine Creek," "January 6, 1777."" "Look, here's a medal." "Another inscription." ""To Major Joshua Bilko, who has done more than any other man for our great cause."" "Looks like an oarlock." "Oarlock?" ""This oarlock of the boat used by General Washington in our crossing of the Delaware."" "Gee, look at this old book." ""Diary of Major Joshua Bilko."" "Hey, I bet you this stuff is valuable." "Yeah, Sarge, I wonder what the pawn shop will give you when you try to hock it tomorrow." "Hock it?" "Hock it?" "!" "Hock these relics?" "!" "Hock these last rememberments of a great military man?" "But, Sarge..." "Mullen, I'll have to ask you to leave the room." "But, Sarge, everything..." "Out, out, out." "You too, out." "But, Sarge, what did I do?" "What did you do?" "You stood there and let him slander your sergeant." "You should have been at his throat." "Out, out!" "You, too, out, out!" "Everybody!" "Come on, Sarge, take it easy, will ya?" "What's the matter?" "Ern, he didn't mean anything wrong." "Wrong?" "That's what hurts-- he was right." "Right?" "Fine..." "Yeah, fine link in the Bilko tradition I am." "Finagling, conniving." "Look what Major Bilko left behind." "A medal, a broken sword." "What mementos will I leave behind for some future Bilko?" "Loaded dice, marked cards, raffle tickets?" "What a comedown from the Bilkos." "From a major on General Washington's staff to a goof-off sergeant." "I got to think differently, men." "I got to aim higher." "I got to fulfill the destiny for the Bilkos-- and for him." "BILKO:" "Colonel Hall?" "Colonel Hall, sir?" "Huh?" "Oh, I-I'm sorry, Bilko." "My nerves must be all shot or something." "You came in here and started to tell me something, and I heard a voice saying something completely insane." "What did you want, Bilko?" "Sir, I would like you to sign this application." "I want to become an officer." "An officer..." "There!" "I heard it again." "I need a rest." "It..." "It must be the strain." "Sir, it's completely true." "I want to be an officer." "An officer?" "You, Bilko?" "An officer?" "Yes, sir." "You see, I must fulfill the obligations of my family's great military heritage." "Look, Bilko, if you're trying to get out of the Army, that's a pretty sneaky way of going around it." "Trying to show that you're a mental case." "Sir, it's all true." "It's true, sir." "I have a military heritage behind me." "My great-great grand uncle was a major on General Washington's staff in the Revolutionary War." "There was a Bilko in the Revolutionary War?" "Yes, sir." "And we won?" "# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "# Won't you come home?" "#" "# Won't you come home tonight?" "#" "# Oh, I'll do the cooking, honey #" "# I'll pay the rent #" "# Oh, just come home tonight #" "# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "Hiya, Sarge." "# Won't you come home... #" "Hiya, Sarge." "Something wrong, Sarge?" "What is it, Ernie?" "Did the colonel find out where we were hiding our roulette wheel-- in the trunk of his staff car?" "What's wrong, Sarge?" "What's wrong?" "When the leader walks into his barracks and sees the sickening sight I just saw." "But, Sarge, this is Wednesday night." ""Relax in your slacks" night." "Relax?" "Relax on a military post where the keynote is vigilance?" "Relax, indeed." "But, Sarge, it was your idea." "You said it'd loosen the men up for the midnight gin rummy tournament." "And it sure loosened them up." "Fleishman bought four tickets to your Robert Fulton Birthday Ball." "Yeah." "Mullen went for a couple of tickets on your raffle for the mine detector." "Oh, yes?" "Give the men their money back." "(all clamoring)" "Sarge, give the money back?" "Every cent that you have taken by these unauthorized methods, give it to them back." "But, Sarge, I don't under..." "And, Corporal!" "Get these unmilitary signs off that bulletin board." "But Sarge, you got to..." "We're gonna... gonna have some protocol around here." "Everything's going to be spic and span." "But you got to advertise..." "Quiet." "A little, uh..." "A little dusty, would you say, Paparelli?" "Let's have an inspection of everything around here." "What are you hiding in there, your discharge?" "What is this?" "Running a rummage sale, Paparelli?" "Now, you men are going to toe the mark around here." "Hey, Bilk, what goes?" "What was that?" "I said, "What goes?"" "No, what did you say just before that?" "I said, "Hey, Bilk."" ""Hey, Bilk"?" "Men, I don't want to seem severe upon all of you, but when an enlisted man refers to his superior as, "Hey, Bilk"..." "I'm sorry, Sarge." "Sarge?" "Sarge what?" "Sergeant." "You remember that." "There are two syllables to that word-- "Sergeant!"" "Now, hear this." "I want some things done around..." "Sorry, Sarge." "Now, men, it is not my purpose to put up a wall between us." "GANDER:" "Why you..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "But let's not have too much..." "What's going on?" "FLEISHMAN:" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "I ought to knock your brains out, you dirty little liar." "What-What-What's going on here?" "He deserves a beating, Sarge." "You dirty liar." "I didn't mean it, Sarge." "I..." "All right, settle down." "Quiet." "What happened here?" "What, what?" "Well, go on, go on-- say it in front of him." "Say it in front of all of us." "Say it!" "Say it!" "Say what?" "What?" "He said something dirty about you, Sarge." "Oh!" "What did you say about me, Fleishman?" "I said I heard that you were going to be... an officer." "(angry shouting)" "Easy, Gander!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "What he said was true." "My man, hand me that crop." "Don't stand there like a fixture." "It's true." "Sarge..." "I am going to become an officer." "Not you, Sarge!" "(all shouting)" "Quiet!" "Formation, on the double!" "(barking orders)" "Formation, quickly." "Now, some of you men have to get used to these facts." "Some of us-- buttons, buttons, man-- some of us are born leaders, and we must accept the respons..." "Here, belt, beltline." "Chest in." "Some of us who are born leaders, we must accept our destiny." "Now, I don't expect you men who do not come from military families to understand this." "However, you, Zimmerman, you understand." "You come from a military family." "Your mother was a WAC." "Here, here." "And so, men, before I leave for Officers Training School," "I would like to take with me a memory of the snap and the precision which I've taught you for the past eight years." "Give me this as a farewell gift of memory." "Ten-hut!" "Platoon, right face." "Forward march." "March." "To the rear, march." "To the left back, march." "Count off cadence-- one, two, three, four." "Ten-hut." "(men counting out of synch)" "Platoon, present arms." "Hut two, three, four." "Present arms." "Forward march." "To the rear, march." "Company... halt, hut, two." "Good show." "Sarge, an officer?" "Ernie, you?" "You fellas still don't understand, do you?" "But an officer?" "I'm not doing this for me." "I'm doing it for him." "How can I stay an enlisted man when you consider the great exploits in this wonderful war diary?" "Men, I wish to read this alone." "Oh, Sarge, let us hear." "Please, Sarge." "All right." ""The Diary of Major Joshua Bilko." "Valley Forge, November 10..."" "Take off your hats." ""Valley Forge, November 10, 1777." ""Will there be no end to this cold and misery?" ""Will our gallant army last the winter" ""without the food and clothing?" ""This morning, General Washington called an emergency meeting of his staff."" "Well, are we all here?" "All except Major Joshua Bilko." "Is that young scamp late again?" "General, forsooth." "Is he really the type to be on your general staff?" "He is a rake, sir." "Now, listen." "There's no more wood for the fire, there's no food, there's no clothes." "Look at our uniforms." "This is no time for petty quarrels." "My apologies, General." "It's just that we haven't eaten for three days." "Well, neither have I." "But by our example, the men will take heart." "BILKO:" "Hey, ho!" "Come, Benji!" "(grumbles)" "Quarter those horses!" "(barking orders)" "Hello, men." "Howdy do?" "Here, here!" "Back!" "Back!" "I have my own man." "Benji, thank you." "My apologies for being late, gentlemen." "However, today was the drawing for my turkey raffle." "Turkey raffle?" "Oh, yes." "You knew about that..." "Oh, General, I wish you could've been there to see the eyes of our men-- those gallant men in their tattered rags-- as they looked up at me with pleading eyes, anticipatory, as I drew the lucky number." "Oh, it made me almost cry, sir." "Shall we get on with it?" "Bilko, you..." "Here, here." "Run your own raffle." "Major Bilko..." "Major Bilko." "Sir?" "Bilko, before those starving men, you had the audacity to take that turkey?" "Good heavens, General, I won it, didn't I?" "As an officer, that was your opportunity to make a beautiful gesture." "Well, by Jove, I did." "I let them watch me eat the drumstick." "Oh, they were..." "General Washington!" "This is disgusting!" "Oh, you're right." "It was terrible." "The look in their eye was frightening." "I had to whip some of them." ""Back!" I said. "Down, you...!"" "Quiet." "Quiet!" "We'll try and forget this regretful incident." "As you say, sir." "Gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt you again, but, George, I, I..." "Oh, Major Bilko!" "The sun shines again." "And it is spring at Valley Forge, my dear." "Oh, Major!" "General, you didn't tell me you engaged this young actress to entertain the troops from Philadelphia." "(chuckles):" "Oh, Major." "Terribly sweet of you, young lady, just to come all the way to enter..." "Well, good heavens, Benji!" "Do you see who it is?" "It's Mrs. Washington." "Yes." "By Jove, I say if you get any younger, there'll be a revolt in the..." "Major Bilko!" "Bilko!" "Yes, sir?" "This is at a crisis, gentlemen." "I've been up all night, and I finally reached a decision." "You're going to have an officers' club." "Bilko!" "Splendid!" "Splendid!" "I think we should do the billiard room in Chippendale." "Oh!" "We'll get Betsy Ross to do the drapes." "Major Bilko!" "(Bilko continues indistinctly)" "Bilko!" "Yes, sir?" "What is your opinion?" "Oh, yes, Chippendale for the billiard room, definitely." "I..." "Major Bilko!" "Sir?" "We were talking about an offensive against the British." "Oh, go get them, sir." "Tax us without representation." "Well, get them." "Smash them!" "Smash them!" "All right." "Have you seen the new minuets?" "No." "Oh, the new minuet they're doing in Philadelphia is..." "I can teach it to you, my dear." "All right." "Now, it's very simple." "(humming)" "No, no." "Pointy toesies, pointy toesies." "Now..." "(humming minuet)" "Benji, get your flute." "Bilko!" "(humming minuet) And we dance and..." "Major Bilko!" "Sir?" "Stop that immediately." "Later, my dear." "Oh, I must tell you about the new gavotte." "You'll swoon, my dear, swoon!" "Ooh!" "(giggles)" "Now, gentlemen, we must strike the British where they least expect it." "Mirror." "According to intelligence, if we move our troops if we move our troops across the south of Maryland, we can bottle up the British at Yorktown." "Yorktown." "Of course, of course!" "It's daring, but it might work." "What is my date for tonight, Benji?" "Quickly!" "You're busy, sir, you're busy." "Oh, is tonight the night with those two barmaids?" "Yes, sir." "Good heavens, I'd forgot that." "Where are we meeting them?" "Brandywine, sir." "Brandywine!" "Brandywine Creek..." "What was that?" "Brandywine Creek, sir." "Brandywine?" "If we're going to meet the British tonight," "that's the place we should go." "Brandywine?" "Now, that's a British stronghold." "Yes." "Apprehensive, mon général?" "(chuckles)" "Oh, yes, Brandywine Creek-- it's begging to be taken." "The name sings, it sings!" "Brandywine Creek-- where we would be least expected." "By Jove, General, you've done it again." "Alert the men." "On to Brandywine!" "Brandywine-- it sings, it sings!" "I'll muster the men." "Get the equipment rolling." "And if you're going amongst the men, General, please do something about your hair." "It's disgraceful." "Oh!" "Brandywine-- it sings!" "Ho, ho, hum and a flagon of rum!" "Off we go!" "What!" "What, Benji!" "BILKO:" ""On to Brandywine." ""As I write these words," "I am getting ready for the great adventure."" "Great adventure?" "If you'll pardon my saying so, Sarge, but running a turkey raffle and winning the turkey himself, and then conning Washington into going to Brandywine 'cause he had a date there-- he was something of an operator, huh?" "Rocco, you're speaking of a member of my family." "That's for sure." "I really pity you guys." "You don't understand." "He was a hot-blooded aristocrat." "Sure, it was wine and women." "But when it came to bravery, how do you think this sword was broken?" "I'm sorry, Sarge." "Yeah, we're just stupid, Sarge." "Go on." "Yeah, come on." "Hmm..." ""Back at Valley Forge the next day." ""The Battle of Brandywine..." "(clears throat)" ""was one of the most disastrous defeats our poor army suffered." ""It was... it was ill-conceived, ill-timed," ""and why General Washington insisted on going to Brandywine is beyond me."" "But, Sarge, it was he who suggested..." "Sorry." "You don't understand." "It was the battle, it was the braveries that counted!" ""Wounded and exhausted, our men returned to Valley Forge."" "It was horrible." "We didn't have a chance." "Horrible." "Horrible." "Brandywine Creek." "How I curse the fate that made me decide on Brandywine." "(groans)" "It wasn't fate." "It was Major Bilko." "Major Bilko." "Where is he?" "I don't know." "I didn't see him during the battle." "(hoofbeats approaching)" "No." "BILKO:" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Ha!" "Ho!" "Here he comes." "(horse sputtering)" "Hold those horses; the men have been nibbling at them." "Here." "Well, gentlemen, I came here." "I've got it!" "I've got it at last!" "At..." "What happened to you men?" "Good heavens, you look awful." "What happened?" "We just suffered a terrible defeat at Brandywine." "Brandywine?" "Good heavens, don't tell me you went to Brandywine, the British stronghold!" "You told us..." "I told..." "Sir, I told you Yorktown." ""Bottle them up at Yorktown," is what I said." "I said Yorktown." "Oh, really?" "If you feel that way, General." "But, Bilko, I have witnesses." "It's quite all right, gentlemen." "It was an honest mistake." "History will never know." "My lips are sealed." "I..." "Oh, General Washington..." "This man is always trying..." "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "General, do something about your hair." "This doesn't become you at all." "Quiet, Bilko." "Now, where were you during the battle?" "Where was I?" "While you men were off at this wild-goose chase," "I spent the entire night working, working it out." "And here it is, my completed plan!" "The complete plans?" "For the officers' club." "Officers' club?" "Yes." "I have some definite ideas." "However, Benji's thought was to have the billiard room in Chippendale." "He thought the general might like that." "I was going to ask the general's opinion." "(chuckles):" "However, after that mishmash he made at Brandywine..." "Now, we have to start here." "I thought if we push all the rooms together in the foyer..." "Major Bilko." "Sir?" "Give me your sword." "Your obedient servant, sir." "Now, go." "Yes, sir." "You and your Chippendale-- I told you he wouldn't like it." "Didn't I tell you?" "Oh, I-I don't like him." "I'm gonna get a new man." ""That is the true story of the disgraceful fact of why," ""in spite of all my efforts," "Valley Forge never had an officers' club."" "Ah, don't feel too bad, Sarge." "Yeah, it wasn't his fault" "Valley Forge didn't have an officers' club." "He tried his best." "Look, boys, thanks for trying to console me, but you don't have to." "This proves how he straightened himself out after that setback." ""The oarlock of the boat used by General Washington in our crossing of the Delaware."" "He crossed the Delaware." "Hey, Sarge..." "Sarge, I wonder which one is your uncle." "We'll... we'll soon find out." "We'll soon find out what he had to do with this historic episode." ""When Washington decided to cross the Delaware" ""and attack the Hessians at Trenton," "I was in charge of all the boats."" "All right, men, get your tickets for that great crossing, friends." "You want to have some fun, you want to have some gaiety, you cross the river, listen to that music." "Wine, women, Hessian girls!" "All right, men, they're only $30!" "Major Bilko." "30, 30, 30 doll..." "Yes?" "Major Bilko, I just must be in the first boat with the general." "I told everybody." "Everybody wants to be in the general's boat." "It's crowded, I tell you." "I can't put everyb..." "Look, for $20, I can put you in one of the smaller boats." "You'll like it." "A lovely crowd, very intimate group." "Here, Benji, fix him up." "All right, friends, all right!" "You don't want to go to Trenton." "Okay, I got two round-trip tickets to Camden." "What about it?" "(fanfare in distance)" "They're launching the ships!" "All right, men, there's no hurry." "There's... no boats will leave until every ticket is sold." "Don't get shut out, men." "I..." "Bilko, is everything ready?" "General, yes, of course it is." "Good work." "Hold the boat?" "Where do I sit?" "Your boat." "Let me see the seat planning." "Here it is." "Your boat was crowded, sir." "You are terribly popular." "They all wanted to be with you, sir." "Bilko, where do I sit?" "Yes, just a moment, General, I'll see." "Oh, I put this lieutenant on the stern." "You know, the..." "(chuckles) the little mal de mer." "Let me see." "Now, where...?" "Here we have it." "Oh, no." "Not this seat." "I gave that to Captain Slocum." "He was very generous, as you..." "(fanfare plays)" "Bilko, in one minute we cross the Delaware!" "Now, where do I sit?" "!" "Just, uh, where...?" "General, I'm afraid you're gonna just have to stand." "BILKO: "General Washington was completely unreasonable." ""He stood the whole way complaining." "Not once did he mention I didn't charge him a cent."" "Boys, I know what you're thinking." "You're right." "Sarge, this ancestor of yours, he was, uh..." "This ancestor of mine went out and redeemed himself." "Look at this medal." "The Medal of Saratoga!" "What does it say?" ""To Major Joshua Bilko, who has done more than any other man for our great cause."" "How did he get that?" "Well, it's right here." "Let me see." ""At the Battle of Saratoga." ""Our army has won a great victory," ""the Battle of Saratoga." ""How I would have loved to have been in it," ""but I overslept." ""I was summoned to General Washington's headquarters, and again, the general was unreasonable."" "General, I don't understand why you're stripping me of my rank just because I overslept." "After all, I was up half the night questioning that very suspicious Tory woman..." "Quiet, Bilko. -...who happened to be in my room at the time." "Quiet!" "At a time like this, when we're shorthanded and trying to launch our final drive to victory," "I have to cut you off my staff." "Sir, I am ashamed." "Where will we get someone to replace him?" "(sighs)" "Sir, may I make a suggestion?" "It's true that I am stripped of my glories, but perhaps I can redeem myself with a worthy suggestion." "I can suggest an officer, sir, worthy of your trust, a loyal officer." "Benji, let the general see you." "A fine..." "What?" "This young lieutenant who's been running around with you?" "Sir, you won't find a more loyal subject anywhere in the whole realm, sir, believe me." "Well, it'd take days to brief him." "Well, that's his great attraction, sir." "He knows everything 'cause I've told him the maps, the codes, everything he need know." "Well, we do need officers, sir." "Very well, I'll sign his commission." "You won't regret it, sir." "You'll never find a more loyal officer in the whole..." "Yes, no, but that's the old maps." "Will you give him the new maps that we have with the new codes?" "Oh, yes." "Because I want him to be up on everything." "By the way, Lieutenant, we never did get your name." "Oh, his name is Arnold, sir, Benedict Arnold..." "Benedict Arnold?" "Your..." "How do you figure he got this medal?" "Look." ""To Major Joshua Bilko, who has done more than any other man for our great cause."" "What does it say on the other side?" "The other side?" ""Presented in gratitude by King George III."" "Sarge." "The English, the English gave him a medal." "Listen, get this stuff out of here, you understand?" "Bury it." "Get a shovel, bury it so deep, they won't be able to find it with a mine detector." "Off you go!" "Right, Sarge." "And you, if you say one word about this to anybody..." "What is...?" "Hensh, Hensh!" "Wait a minute!" "Hensh, here." "Be sure and burn this, too." "What is it?" "My officer's application." "What are you standing for?" "Don't stand there grinning." "It's 12:00, the witching hour." "Fun time, fun." "Get those signs up there." "All right, men, on the double!" "Monte Carlo time!" "Fun, fun, fun!" "(excited clamoring)" "ANNOUNCER:" "General Washington was played by Charles McClelland," "Mrs. Washington by Edith King."