"You must do your best tonight Be on your toes, men" "There's another guest tonight It's one of those men" "Who are being feted by the smart set." "We'll see that he gets what he deserves" "Treat him as they do a king in manner royal" "Like a subject to a king you must be loyal" "On this object you must have your heart set" "We'll do nothing to get on his nerves" "Again I mention Be on your toes, men" "He craves attention He's one of those men" "Yes, sir, we will give him just what he deserves" "Oh, Hives?" "Oh, yes, Mrs. Rittenhouse?" "I'd like to make a few changes in the assignment of the rooms." "Very good, madam." "Suppose you put Mr. Chandler in the blue suite." "And Captain Spaulding, as guest of honor, will have the green duplex with the two baths." "Two, madam?" "Why, yes." "I think the Captain would like two baths, don't you?" "Well, if he's just returned from Africa, he may need two baths." "Mr. Roscoe W. Chandler." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, well!" "Mr. Chandler." "So nice to see you." "The famous Beaugard, as I have promised." "Mr. Chandler, how can I ever express my gratitude?" "Oh, it's nothing." "Nothing?" "You return from Europe with a masterpiece valued at $100,000, and instead of displaying it yourself, you allow me to unveil it at my party in honor of Captain Spaulding." "You call that nothing?" "Mrs. Rittenhouse, I..." "Uh, will you please remove that to the place where it is to be exhibited?" "Very good, sir." "And uh, very careful, please." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, you think that is something?" "It is nothing compared to what I would like to do for you." "You are a very beautiful woman." "No, no, Mr. Chandler." "Well, maybe I'm wrong." "What?" "Please, do not go, Mrs. Rittenhouse," "I love you." "I know, but..." "Do not take away your hand." "I tell you, I love you." "Careful..." "Hello, Mother." "Playing house?" "Well, uh, if you'll pardon me." "Have you seen Johnny Parker?" "I wish you'd get Johnny Parker out of your mind and show more respect to Mr. Chandler." "The trouble with you is you don't take these social affairs seriously." "What would you suggest, Mom?" "Suicide?" "I would suggest..." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, Captain Spaulding has arrived!" "Splendid." "Oh, I'm so glad." "My friends, Captain Spaulding has arrived." "At last we are to meet him The famous Captain Spaulding" "From climates hot and scalding The Captain has arrived" "Most heartily we'll greet him with plain and fancy cheering" "Until he's hard of hearing The Captain has arrived" "At last the Captain" "Has arrived" "Mr. Horatio W. Jamison, field secretary to Captain Spaulding." "I represent the Captain who insists on my informing you" "Of these conditions under which he camps here" "In one thing he is very strict he wants his women young and thin" "And as for men, he won't have any tramps here" "And as for men, he won't have any tramps here" "There must be no tramps" "The men must all be very old the women warm, the champagne cold" "It's under these conditions that he camps here" "I'm announcing Captain Geoffrey Spaulding" "He's announcing Captain Geoffrey Spaulding" "Oh, dear, he is coming" "At last he's here" "Well, what do I owe you?" "What?" "From Africa to here, $1.85?" "That's an outrage." "I told you not to take me through Australia." "You know it's all ripped up." "You should have come right up Lincoln Boulevard." "Where do you come to that stuff?" "Turn around the rear end, I wanna see your license plates." "I don't think, you're on the square." "Oh, Captain Spaulding." "I'll attend to you later." "Oh, Captain Spaulding." "Why you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen." "That's not saying much for you." "Captain Spaulding," "Rittenhouse Manor is entirely at your disposal." "Well, I'm certainly grateful for this magnificent washout." "Uh, "turnout," and uh, now I'd like to say a few words." "Hello I must be going" "I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going" "I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going..." "La la" "For my sake you must stay" "If you should go away you'd spoil this party I am throwing" "I'll stay a week or two" "I'll stay the summer through" "But I am telling you" "I must be going." "Before you go will you oblige us" "And tell us of your deeds so glowing" "I'll do anything you say In fact, I'll even stay" "Good" "But I must be going" "There's something that I'd like to say" "That he's too modest to relate" "The Captain is a moral man Sometimes he finds it trying" "This fact I'll emphasize with stress" "I never take a drink unless" "Somebody's buying" "The Captain is a very moral man" "If he hears anything obscene he'll naturally repel it" "I hate a dirty joke I do" "Unless it's told by someone who knows how to tell it" "The Captain is a very moral man" "Hooray for Captain Spaulding the African explorer" "Did someone call me Schnorer" "Hooray, hooray, hooray" "He went into the jungles where all the monkeys throw nuts" "If I stay here I'll go nuts" "Hooray, hooray, hooray" "He put all his reliance in courage and defiance" "And risked his life for science" "Hey, hey" "He is the only white man who covered every acre" "I think I'll try and make her" "Hooray, hooray, hooray" "He put all his reliance in courage and defiance" "And risked his life for science" "Hey, hey" "Hooray for Captain Spaulding the African explorer" "He brought his name undying fame" "And that is why we say hooray, hooray, hooray" "My friends, I'm highly gratified at this magnificent display of effusion." "And I want you to know..." "Hooray for Captain Spaulding the African explorer" "He brought his name undying fame And that is why we say" "Hooray, hooray, hooray" "My friends, I'm highly gratified at this magnificent display of effusion." "And I want you to know..." "Hooray for Captain Spaulding the African explorer" "He brought his name undying fame And that is why we say" "Hooray, hooray, hooray" "My friends, I'm highly gratified at this magnificent display of effusion." "I want you to know..." "Hooray for Captain Spaulding the African explorer" "Well, somebody's got to do it!" "Captain Spaulding?" "It is indeed a great honor to welcome you to my poor home." "Oh, it isn't so bad." "Needless to say..." "Wait a minute, I think you're right." "It is pretty bad." "As a matter of fact, it's one of the frowsiest looking joints I've ever seen." "Why, Captain..." "Where did you get your wallpaper?" "You're letting this place run down, and what's the result?" "You're not getting the class of people that you used to." "Why, you've got people here that look like you!" "Now, I'll tell you what to do." "We'll put up a sign outside, "Place under new management."" "We'll set up a 75-cent meal that will knock their eyes out." "After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want." "Now sign here and give me your check for $1,500." "I want to tell you, madam, with this insurance policy, you've provided for your little ones and for your old age..." "Which will be here in a couple of weeks now, if I'm any judge of horseflesh." "And now, madam, "I feel that the time has come," the walrus..." "Captain Spaulding!" "Captain Spaulding!" "You stand before me as one of the bravest men of all times." "All right, I'll do that." "In the dark forests of Africa, there has been no danger you have not dared." "You mind if I don't smoke?" "Fearlessly, you have blazed new trails, scornful of the lion's roar and the cannibal's tom-tom." "Says you!" "Never once in all those weary months did your footsteps falter." "Cowardice is unknown to you." "Fear is not in you!" "Oh, pardon me, a caterpillar..." "Put him over here." "Oh, it must have been the caterpillar that frightened him." "Oh, dear." "This is unfortunate." "Don't stand there." "Get the whiskey!" "Get the whiskey." "The whiskey?" "The whiskey?" "Where is the whiskey?" "It's in my little black bag in the right-hand corner." "Signor Emanuel Ravelli." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Where's the dining room?" "I'm surprised." "Say, I used to know a fellow who looked exactly like you, by the name of, uh, Emanuel Ravelli." "Are you his brother?" "I am Emanuel Ravelli." "You're Emanuel Ravelli?" "I'm Emanuel Ravelli." "Well, no wonder you look like him, but I insist there is a resemblance." "Hey, he thinks I look alike." "Well, If you do, it's a tough break for both of you." "You are one of the musicians, but you were not due until tomorrow." "Couldn't come tomorrow." "That's too quick." "So, you're lucky they didn't come yesterday." "We were busy yesterday, but we charge just the same." "This is better than exploring." "What do you fellows get an hour?" "Oh, for playing, we get a $10 an hour." "I see." "What do you get for not playing?" "$12 an hour." "Well, clip me off a piece of that." "Now, for rehearsing, we make special rate, that's $15 an hour." "That's for rehearsing?" "Yes, that's for rehearsing." "And what do you get for not rehearsing?" "You couldn't afford it." "You see, If we don't rehearse, we don't play." " And If we don't play..." " That runs into money." "How much will you want to run into an open manhole?" "Just the cover charge." "Drop in sometime." "Sewer." "Oh, we cleaned that up pretty well." "Well, let's see how we stand." "Flat-footed." "Yesterday we didn't come." "You remember, yesterday we didn't come." "Oh, I remember." "Yeah, that's $300." "Yesterday you didn't come." "That's $300?" "That's $300." "That's reasonable." "I can see that, all right." "Now, today we did come." "That's, uh..." "That's $100 you owe us." "Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal." "Tomorrow we leave." "That's worth about..." "A million dollars." "Yeah, that's all right for me, but I got a partner." "What?" "Partner?" "The Professor!" "The gates swung open and a Fig Newton entered." "How do you do?" "Goodness!" "You haven't got chocolate, have you?" "He's got everything." "Hives, take the Professor's hat and coat." "And send for the fumigators." "Oh, my goodness!" "Bonjour!" "Hey, don't you see." "There are ladies present." "What do you think this is?" "Put that hat down." "Will you?" "What you do there?" "Get out." "Don't go near those guns!" "A little more to the right." "Ah-ah, that's better." "Now, see that the drape is well-hung." "The mistress will inspect it before the unveiling." "Hello, Hives!" "Mrs. Whitehead, this is a surprise." "And how about me?" "Miss Grace, you've grown so in the last year." "You haven't lost any weight, yourself." "No." "Unfortunately not." "You know, Hives, it seems strange to find you working here instead of in our own home." "Well, after you left for Europe," "Mrs. Rittenhouse was good enough to make me an offer." "Lovely!" "Oh, by the way, Hives, what's the secret about the painting?" "No secret." "It's Beaugard's After the Hunt." "The original?" "Most original." "Be careful!" "Where did she get hold of that, do you suppose?" "Is it very valuable?" "Is it?" "It must be worth a fortune." "But sis, it looks as if we yield the social honors of the season to Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Well, isn't there something we can do?" "We might shoot ourselves." "I'd rather shoot Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Say, I have an idea." "I copied that painting in art school a year ago." "Well, what of it?" "But, I still don't get it." "I'll go home and get the copy." "We'll substitute it for the original." "And when she unveils it, what'll she have?" "An imitation, and I must admit, a very poor one." "Grace, you're wonderful." "That's what I've been telling you." "I won't be long." "All right." "See you later." "Oh, Hives?" "Do you still feel there's a strong bond between us?" "Why most certainly, Mrs. Whitehead." "Strong enough for you to do me a big favor?" "Why, anything at all." "Well, suppose I were to ask you to take away the Beaugard?" "What?" "You mean..." "Oh, just temporarily, of course." "And substitute something of my own." "Well, I should consider it rather an unusual request." "It is, Hives." "But somehow I still think of you as one of the Whiteheads." "You may count on me." "My soul is yours." "Even though my body may belong to Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Why, Hives?" "Oh, Mrs. Whitehead." "Arabella!" "May I present, Mr. Parker?" "Oh, of the Massachusetts Parkers?" "Why, no." "Oh, then the southern Parkers?" "Oh, no!" "The central Parkers." "You know, the, uh, benches and trees." "I see!" "Oh!" "I don't like that woman." "Well, never mind." "You come over here and sit down and tell me whom you do like." "Oh!" "So, that's your game." "Now, listen, do you really love me?" "Why don't you marry me and find out." "Marry you?" "Ha!" "On what?" "Hmm." "Last year, I sold two paintings." "One at $100 and one at $50." "Could we live on $150 a year?" "Oh, we wouldn't need any money!" "I've got a charge account in every shop on 5th Avenue." "Well, if I had any brains," "I'd give up painting and get a regular job." "You know, I had a cousin who made $50,000 on Wall Street last year." "Oh, I don't want to marry your cousin." "I'm a darn fool." "I want to marry you." "Say, why don't we get that old bluff, Chandler, to buy a portrait from you?" "Chandler?" "Ha!" "What does he know about art?" "Well, the less he knows, the easier it will be for you to sell him." "They're right upstairs." "You can't miss them." "Go around to the other side." "Mrs. Rittenhouse?" "Oh, Captain Spaulding, how are you?" "Tell me, are you alone?" "Captain, I don't understand." "What?" "You don't understand being alone?" "Don't give me that innocent stuff or you'll be alone!" "A big cluck like you turning cute on me!" "Mrs. Rittenhouse?" "Yes?" "Oh, pardon me." "You've been affected like this yourself, haven't you?" "Oh, no, Captain." "Well, you will be." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, ever since I met you," "I've swept you off my feet." "Something has been throbbing within me." "Oh, it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle." "There's something that I must ask you." "What is it, Captain?" "Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?" "Captain, I'm surprised." "Well, that maybe surprise you, but it's been on my mind for weeks." "It's just my way of telling you that I love you." "That's all." "I love you." "I..." "Captain..." "Mrs. Whitehead." "I beg your pardon." "I beg your pardon." "Am I intruding?" "Are you intruding?" "Just when I had her on the five-yard line." "I should say you are intruding!" "I should say you are intruding!" "Pardon me," "I was using the subjunctive instead of the past tense." "Yes, we're way past tents." "We're living in bungalows now." "This is a mechanical age, of course." "Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met Captain Spaulding, have you?" "Why, no." "I haven't." "How are you?" "How are you?" "I'm fine, thank you." "And how are you?" "And how are you?" "That leaves you one up." "Did anyone ever tell you you had beautiful eyes?" "No." "Well, you have." "And so have you!" "He shot her a glance." "As a smile played around his lips." "Yes." "I don't think I've ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life." "Well, three, anyway." "You know, you two girls have everything." "You're tall and short, and slim and stout, blonde and brunette, and that's just the kind of a girl I crave!" "We three would make an ideal couple." "Why, you've got beauty, charm, money." "You have that money, haven't you?" "Because, if you haven't, we can quit right now." "The Captain is charming, isn't he?" "I'm fascinated." "I'm fascinated, too." "Right on the arm." "Fascinated." "Whim-wham." "If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell you what I really think of you two." "You know, you're very fortunate the theater guild isn't putting this on." "And so is the guild." "Pardon me while I have a strange interlude." "Why, you couple of baboons, what makes you think I'd marry either one of you?" "Strange how the wind blows tonight." "It has a thin, eerie voice." "Reminds me of poor old Marsden." "How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away." "Well, what do you say, girls?" "What do you say?" "Will you marry me?" "But, Captain, which one of us?" "Both of you." "Let's all get married." "This is my party." "Party." "Party." "Here I am talking of parties." "I came down here for a party." "What happens?" "Nothing." "Not even ice cream." "The gods look down and laugh." "This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach." "Well, what do you say, girls?" "What do you say?" "Are we all going to get married?" "All of us?" "All of us!" "But that's bigamy." "Yes, and it's big of me, too!" "It's big of all of us." "Let's be big for a change." "I'm sick of these conventional marriages." "One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother?" "Nobody." "Not even your grandfather." "Think of the honeymoon, strictly private." "I wouldn't let another woman in on this." "Well, maybe one or two, but no men." "I may not go, myself." "Are you suggesting companionate marriage?" "Well, it's got advantages." "You could live with your folks, and I could live with your folks." "And you, you could sell Fuller Brushes." "Living with your folks." "Living with your folks, the beginning of the end." "Drab dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows." "Hideous stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time." "In those corridors, I see figures, strange figures, weird figures." "Steel 186, anaconda 74," "American Can 138." "Well, let's see." "Where were we?" "Oh, yes!" "We were about to get married." "Well, what do you think?" "Do you think we really ought to get married?" "I think marriage is a very noble institution." "It's the foundation of the American home." "Yes, but the trouble is you can't enforce it." "It was put over on the American people..." "While our boys were over there and while our girls were over here." "You know that I've been waiting at the bottom of these stairs for years for just such a moment as this." "Why, Captain, where are you going?" "I'm sorry, ladies, I'm sorry," "But, uh, I'm afraid we're gonna have to postpone the wedding for a few days, maybe for a few years." "Before I get married, I'm going to sow a couple of wild oats." "The Captain's so amusing." "Isn't he charming?" "So that's the famous Beaugard, eh?" "It's a great picture, isn't it?" "Oh, you've seen it before?" "Seen it?" "I spent three days in Paris copying it." "You did?" "Well, me and a million other young artists." "I bet your copy was better than any of them." "Well, it wasn't bad at that." "I'll show it to you sometime." "Listen." "What?" "Mother's going to unveil it tonight." "Yeah." "Suppose..." "Suppose when she unveils it, it's not the Beaugard at all?" "Suppose it's yours!" "You mean, put my copy in place of the Beaugard?" "Exactly." "Well, Arabella, you're crazy." "What good would that do?" "What good?" "Listen." "They'll unveil it." "Chandler will tell everybody how fine it is." "They'll all cheer their heads off, and then we'll tell them who really painted it." "They'll say, you're a great artist." "You'll get six commissions for paintings, and we can be married and divorced in no time." "Well, that sounds great." "But what if they don't like my painting?" "What then?" "Well, isn't the chance worth taking?" "Ah, I see you're admiring my picture." "Yes, yes." "Your picture?" "Yes, my picture." "Well, it don't look like you." "Hey, wait, wait." "Someplace I met you before, because you're face is a very familiar." "Well, after all, I'm one of the most well-known men in America." "The newspapers will keep on running my photograph." "You're not Abe Kabbible?" "Oh, nonsense!" "All right." "Hey, wait." "If you're not Abe Kabbible, who are you?" "Now, please." "Chandler is my name, Roscoe W. Chandler." "Yeah, but I don't care about the name, you see." "Someplace I met you before, because your face is very familiar." "Now, wait." "Let me see," "Were you ever in Sing Sing?" "Please!" "No, no, Sing." "I got it." "I got it." "Joliet?" "Leave me alone!" "No?" "All right, don't run away." "Don't run away." "Leavenworth?" "Oh, listen here, I have never been in these places." "I spend most of my time in Europe." "Europe." "I got it now." "I know." "You come from Czechoslovakia." "You are wrong, I tell you..." "You come from..." "Hey, hey, come here, come here." "I tell you..." "Please get away from me." "Hey, you remember him." "Who was he?" "He comes from Czechoslovakia." "You are wrong, I tell you." "I told you before, you are mistaken." "He comes from Czechoslovakia, and I know who it is." "That's Abie the fish peddler from Czechoslovakia." "Ridiculous, I tell you." "You are wrong." "Wait, wait, wait." "We prove it." "He had a birthmark." "Remember?" "Oh, please!" "What are you..." "Leave me alone." "On the arm." "On the arm." "On the leg." "On the foot, up here, on the mustache." "Ah-ha!" "There it is." "There is the birthmark." "Abie the fish man." "I confess." "I was, I was Abie the peddler." "Well, how did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?" "Say, how did you get to be an Italian?" "Never mind." "Whose confession is this?" "Well, boys, for heaven's sake, don't say about this to anybody, and I think we can come to some agreement." "Some arrangement which would be, uh, mutually satisfactory." "Money, money." "Yeah." "Shall we say, uh, $500?" "Piker!" "$500." "Well, that is all the cash I have." "$500?" "Well, all right." "I tell you what we do." "We'll take your I.O.U." "I've given you my best offer and that is all you will get." "That's all you give?" "Yes." "Abie the fish man Abie the fish man" "Abie the fish man Abie the fish man" "Please be quiet, quiet!" "Please." "Now, come here." "Now, listen here." "I have here a check for $5,000." "Now, I give it to you." "Yeah?" "Hey." "Is it good?" "Well, of course it is good." "Who would give me a bad check?" "I would." "Hey, see if it's good." "All right, if you don't want the check, then that is all you will get." "That's all we get?" "Yeah." "Abie the fish man Abie the fish man Please, quiet!" "Abie the fish man Abie the fish man Quiet!" "Abie the fish man" "Here!" "Give me that handkerchief." "My tie!" "Where is my tie?" "I..." "You're nothing but a pair of thieves." "That's all." "I get a the tie." "Well, what do you got?" "The birthmark!" "Hey, hey, where's your tie?" "Well, I..." "That's a fine way for a millionaire to be running around, open at the neck." "Have you got garters?" "Of course, I have garters." "Here." "Oh!" "They've taken my garters, too!" "A likely story." "Turning collegiate on me, eh?" "Have you got socks?" "Certainly." "Here they are." "Oh, yeah." "You have got socks." "They look pretty old to me, too." "Whose are they?" "My old socks." "Let me introduce myself." "My name is Spaulding, Captain Spaulding." "I am Roscoe W. Chandler." "Well, this is a treat, your treat." "You have heard about me?" "Yes, I've heard about you for a great many years, Mr. Chandler, and I'm getting pretty darn sick of it, too." "Quite naturally, I've also heard of the great Captain Spaulding." "Well, that's fine." "I've heard of you and you've heard of me." "Now, have you ever heard the one about the two Irishmen?" "Oh, yes!" "Now that I've got you in hysterics, let's get to business." "My name is Spaulding, Captain Spaulding." "I am Roscoe W. Chandler." "And I'm Geoffrey T. Spaulding." "I bet you don't know what the "T" stands for." "Uh, Thomas?" "Edgar." "You were close, though." "You were close, though, and you still are, I'll bet." "Now, this is what I want to talk to you about, Mr. Chandler." "How would you like to finance a scientific expedition?" "Well, that is a question." "Yes that is a question." "You certainly know a question when you see it." "I congratulate you, Mr. Chandler, and that brings us right back to where we were." "How would you like to finance a scientific expedition?" "Well, is there any particular kind of an expedition you had in mind?" "Well, I tell you." "I'm getting along in years now." "There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit." "What is that?" "Retire." "Now would you be interested in a proposition of that kind?" "You know, I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science the world has ever known." "This is your chance, Mr. Chandler." "When I think what you have done for this country..." "And by the way, what have you done for this country?" "Oh, well." "I've always tried to do what I could, especially in the world of art." "Art?" "Well, I don't know how we drifted around that." "But what is your opinion of art?" "I am very glad you asked me!" "I withdraw the question." "This fellow takes things seriously." "It isn't safe to ask him a simple question." "Tell me Mr. Chandler, where are you planning on putting your new opera house?" "Oh, I thought I should put it somewhere near Central Park." "I see." "Why don't you put it right in Central Park?" "Could we do that?" "Sure." "Do it at night when no one is looking." "Why don't you put it in the reservoir and get the whole thing over with?" "Of course, that might interfere with the water supply." "But after all, we must remember that art is art." "Still, on the other hand, water is water, isn't it?" "And east is east, and west is west." "And If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, it tastes more like prunes than rhubarb does." "Now, uh, now, you tell me what you know." "Well, I would be very glad to give you my opinion." "Well, that's dandy." "I'll ask you for them someday." "Remind me, will you?" "I'll tell you what, could you come to my office at 10:00 tomorrow morning?" "If I'm not there, ask for Mr. Jamison, that's my secretary, and If he sees you, I'll discharge him." "That's a date, now." "Saturday at 3:00." "No, you better make it Tuesday, I'm going to Europe Monday." "Pardon me." "My name is Spaulding." "I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler." "Tell me." "What do you think of the traffic problem?" "What do you think of the marriage problem?" "What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?" "Well, I'll tell you..." "I'd rather not discuss it any further." "Remember, there are children present." "Well, you see, my dear Captain, in the last analysis, it is a question of money." "The nickel today is not what it used to be 10 years ago." "I'll go further than that." "I'll get off at the depot." "The nickel is not what it was 15 years ago." "You know what this country needs today?" "What?" "A seven-cent nickel." "Yes, sir." "We've been using the five-cent nickel in this country since 1492." "Now, that's pretty near 100 years, daylight saving." "Now, why not give the seven-cent nickel a chance?" "If that works out, next year we could have an eight-cent nickel." "Think what that would mean." "You could go to a newsstand buy a three-cent newspaper and get the same nickel back." "One nickel, carefully used, would last a family a lifetime." "Captain Spaulding, I think that is a wonderful idea." "You do, eh?" "Yes." "Then there can't be much to it." "Forget about it." "Well, uh..." "Well, tell me, Captain Chandler, uh, excuse me, Spaulding." "Spaulding, Spaulding, that's right." "Yeah." "I'm Spaulding, you're Chandler." "Let's have no more of that either, eh?" "It's bad enough being Spaulding." "Well, tell me, Captain Spaulding," "Spaulding is the name?" "That's right." "That's right." "I'm, I'm Chan..." "I'm Spaulding..." "Spaulding..." "Could I look at a program a minute?" "I might be the "News Weekly," for all he knows, or "Coming Next Week."" "Well, tell me, Captain Spaulding, you've been quite a traveler." "Uh, what do you think about South America?" "I'm going there soon, you know." "Is that so?" "Where are you going?" "Uruguay." "Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine." "Say, how long has this been going on?" "Let's change the subject." "Take the foreign situation." "Take Abyssinia." "I'll tell you, you take Abyssinia, and I'll take a hot butterscotch sundae on rye bread." "Let's go and see what the boys in the back room will have." "But, my..." "Let's see how yours compares with the original." "All right, let's." "Oh!" "I don't see any difference." "Well, look closer." "Maybe, you'll find it's better." "Oh, you!" "You seen my partner?" "No." "Oh, Mr. Ravioli." "Ravelli, Ravelli." "Oh, Mr. Ravelli." "I want you to do something for me." "I do anything for you." "What do you want, I should do?" "You see that painting?" "You mean, this picture?" "I want you to take that out of the frame and put this one in its place." "You want I should take this one down and put this one upstairs." "Yes, that's it." "You want I should steal!" "Oh, no, no!" "It's not stealing." "Well, then, I couldn't do it." "Oh, Mr. Ravioli!" "Oh, no, no, no." "Hey, get up, get up." "Come here." "That's all you do, chase the women." "Go." "Aw, stop!" "Everybody here plays cards." "They don't ask us." "We are a waste all the time." "We been here all day." "How much a we make?" "We make a nothing." "First thing you know, we gonna live on a charity, then go to the old ladies' home." "How do you like that?" "No, no." "That's a no good!" "These people here all got a money." "Now, we gotta get someone to play with us, see." "I play anything." "Oh, Signor Ravelli," "I want to speak to you about the music." "Yeah." "How do you do?" "What's the matter with you?" "I thought, it would be nice..." "Go away from me." "What is this?" "That's all right." "Just a..." "Oh, there you are." "My, dear..." "Hello, Professor." "Good heavens." "What's the matter with his feet?" "This is embarrassing." "That's nothing." "Why, we play all kinds of games." "We play blackjack, soccer..." "Oh!" "Dear, I'm so sorry!" "Mrs. Whitehead..." "What is the matter with him?" "I wouldn't have had this happen for the world." "Oh!" "Heavens!" "Come on!" "Atta boy!" "Go away from me!" "One..." "Two..." "Three." "Atta boy." "Atta boy." "Good heavens." "Oh, dear." "I must, get them out." "I must get them out of here!" "Oh, look." "You see how terrible he looks!" "Look." "I'm so frightened." "Look, what can I do?" "I don't know." "I better get Hives." "No, let me get her." "Well, you go, then." "I'm just trying to watch my..." "Oh, this is terrible." "She can't take it there." "You better get Hives." "Go away from me!" "This is dreadful." "Well, why don't you leave him alone?" "Stop!" "Now that this game is over, how about playing bridge?" "You play bridge?" "I play bridge a little." "What do you play for?" "Oh, we just play for small stakes." "And French fried potatoes?" "Set it up over there, Hives." "Very good, madam." "What in the world is he up to?" "Look at this." "The whole house will be torn to pieces." "Absolutely." "If it isn't one thing, it's another." "Oh, Hives!" "Oh!" "Take it away, Hives." "Extraordinary." "We'll play over here." "Now, how do you want to play?" "Honest?" "Well, I hope so." "You put that right away." "It's your own fault." "Come along now." "We'll cut for partners." "Oh, he's my partner." "That's the only way we play." "I'm sorry but it's against the rules of the games." "We have to cut for partners." "All right." "We cut for partners." "I got ace of spades." "He's got ace of spades." "That's what you call "quin-cidences."" "Two aces of spaces?" "Yeah, he's got thousands of them." "Well, I suppose that gives him the choice of seats." "You have the choice of seats." "Good heavens!" "Not on her lap." "Come on!" "Sit down." "What's the matter with him?" "I don't know." "He thought it was contact bridge." "Just a minute now." "Shuffle the cards." "Yeah." "You got to scrumble them up a bit." "You know." "Just a moment." "I'd like to cut those cards." "That's a better." "Uh, your bid, partner." "You pass?" "Misdeal." "You pass?" "I bid one spade." "I pass." "Three spades." "Four spades." "One club." "I don't understand this kind of bidding!" "Well, you don't have to understand." "You bid four spades, huh?" "Why, I haven't a spade in my hand!" "All right." "We double." "There's something wrong here." "I want you to go over the bidding." "Hey, she wants to start them up again, the bidding." "He bids one." "One?" "One what?" "That's all right." "You find out." "But we have to know what he's bidding." "We tell you later." "Now I bid two." "Two what?" "Uh, two of the same he bids." "Now, the bidding's over." "See, that's enough bidding." "Uh, it's your lead." "Oh, no, you can't lead that." "Why not?" "Why, we can't take it." "Well, what should I lead?" "Ace." "Ace of spades." "That's very good." "Three of spades, four of spades..." "You trump it?" "Uh, that's what you call a finesse." "No spades, partner." "No spades!" "Ace of hearts." "Ace of clubs." "Dummy leads." "The dummy leads." "I'm not the dummy!" "Well, you could be." "Ace of diamonds." "100 aces, huh?" "200?" "That's better." "Ace of hearts." "Atta boy, make a big slam." "Make a big, big slam!" "Ace of spades." "Ace of spades." "That's a good." "He plays a good game." "Ace of spades." "He plays a fine game, all right." "Ace of..." "I refuse to play any longer." "You're nothing but a couple of card sharps." "Good heavens!" "What's the matter, dear?" "My shoes are gone!" "Good gracious." "He has your slippers." "Come along, come along." "Hey, you take a the lady's shoes, huh?" "Hey." "Quiet." "Quiet, quiet." "Hide!" "Hide!" "Somebody's coming." "All right." "I make a mistake." "Get up, get up." "Come on." "Hurry up." "Come." "Hey, hurry up." "Come here." "You know what we gotta do, eh?" "We gotta take a that picture out and put this one upstairs for the lady." "Wait!" "No touch." "You got everything ready, huh?" "The shovel, the ax, the dynamite, the pineapples?" "Where's the flash?" "That's a no flash." "A flash." "There's a flash." "Flash." "That's a flash." "A flash." "Yeah, that's a flash." "That's a fish!" "I no want a fish." "No fish." "Flash." "Aw, stop it." "You act crazy." "When you go out in the night time, you gotta have a the flash." "Ha!" "That's a no flash." "That's a flask." "Flash." "When you wanna see somebody, you gotta have a the flash." "That's a flush." "What I gonna do with a flush?" "A flash." "No flit." "It's a flits." "What am I gonna do with a flits?" "What do you got?" "That's whatcha call a flutes." "All you got is a fish, a flutes, a flits, flutes, flits and a flutes." "Stop this!" "Where's the flash?" "Look, when everything is a light..." "And you wanna make them a dark, what do you do?" "Ah!" "You're crazy." "I don't want no blackjack." "That's a my mistake, I guess." "When everything is dark, and you wanna make them light..." "Yeah, that's a flash." "That's a flash." "Hey, that's a good, all right." "The storm put the lights out." "Now, nobody can see what we do." "That's a fine." "Where is the flash?" "Where's the flash?" "I no want the fish!" "The flash!" "No, no flute!" "No, flute!" "What's the matter with you, eh?" "Flash." "Before the people come, get a the flash." "What's the matter?" "You lose it?" "Well, you gotta find it." "Look for it." "All right, all right." "Never mind." "Come on." "We'll work without it." "Yes, madam." "Hide!" "Hide!" "Somebody's coming." "Hide, hide, hide." "Quiet!" "Shut up!" "Quiet." "Shut up." "Be quiet." "I know where you are." "It's all right." "Oh, Captain Spaulding?" "Captain Spaulding, where are you?" "Here." "Yes, what's the trouble?" "The storm has put the lights out, and you can't see your hand before your face." "You wouldn't get much enjoyment out of that." "I don't know what you're gonna do, but I'm gonna take a nap." "Leave me a call for 3:00." "Make it 3:30." "You certainly get service around here." "Pardon me, Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose a fish?" "What?" "Well, somebody lost it." "Will you take it out in the kitchen and have it fried for me?" "Did you hear that?" "There's somebody over there." "I say, there's somebody over there!" "Don't be silly." "The house is just settling." "That's all." "Anybody over there?" "I don't see anybody." "There you are." "If there's anybody there, we'd see him, wouldn't I?" " Oh, what is it?" " Captain, what is it?" "You know, what I think?" "I think you got roaches." "Yes, you got roaches, all right." "And the biggest one has got asthma." "Oh, this is terrible." "Captain, let's get out of here." "We get a the picture." "We don't make one sound." "Hey!" "Somebody put on the lights." "All right." "We get a the picture." "We don't make one sound." "Come on." "Let's go." "Get out of here." "What do you want?" "Oh, the fish." "Come on, come on." "Oh!" "That's some storm, huh?" "That's a regular tomato." "Come on." "Let's go this way." "I think it's a shortcut." "Come on, let's go." "California!" "Oh, Captain, how thrilling." "And then what happened?" "It was nothing at all." "I'd rather not discuss it." "But I can't wait to hear the finish." "I must hear it." "Well, there I was." "There I was in the top of the tree with this rhinoceros pointing his gun straight at me." "A rhinoceros?" "Yes." "Captain, what did you do?" "What could I do?" "I had to marry his daughter." "What kind of a story do you call that?" "All right, you tell one." "And now, my friends, before we start the musical program," "Captain Spaulding has kindly consented to tell us about his trip to Africa." "Captain Spaulding." "Me?" "My friends, I'm going to tell you of that great mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa." "Africa is God's country, and he can have it." "Well, sir." "We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 2." "After 15 days on the water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa." "We once proceeded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear." "This bear was 6' 7" in his stocking feet and had shoes on..." "Pardon me, just a moment, Captain." "Just a moment." "I always thought that polar bears lived in the frozen north." "Oh, you did." "Well, this bear was anemic, and he couldn't stand the cold climate." "He was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter." "You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine!" "Frozen north, my eye." "From the day of our arrival, we led an active life." "The first morning saw us up at 6:00, breakfasted and back in bed at 7:00." "This was our routine for the first three months." "We finally got so we were back in bed at 6:30." "One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat." "Smoking some meat?" "Yes, there wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood." "As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers." "Oh, Captain!" "Six of them biggest I..." "Captain, did you catch six tigers?" "I bagged them." "I..." "I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon." "They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen." "The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias." "Of course, you all know what a moose is." "That's big game." "The first day I shot two bucks." "That was the biggest game we had." "As I say, you all know what a moose is." "A moose runs around on the floor and eats cheese and is chased by the cats." "The elks, on the other hand, live up in the hills." "And in the spring, they come down for their annual convention." "It is interesting to watch them come to the water hole." "And you should see them run when they find it's only a water hole!" "What they're looking for is an elk-a-hole." "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas." "How he got in my pajamas, I don't know." "Then we tried to remove the tusks." "The tusks." "That's not so easy to say." "Tusks." "You try that sometime." "Tusks." "Oh, simple." "Tusks." "Pardon me, my name is Spaulding." "I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler." "As I say, we tried to remove the tusks." "But they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't bust them." "Of course, in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa." "But, uh, that's entirely irr-elephant to what I was talking about." "We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed." "But we're going back again in a couple of weeks." "I will..." "A very enlightening speech, Captain." "Very enlightening." "Hooray for Captain Spaulding!" "Three cheers for Captain Spaulding!" "Aw." "Oh, really I..." "Three cheers for Captain Spaulding!" "Three cheers..." "No one asked for the chairs!" "Put them right where you found them." "Now, go now." "Go now." "Go on, go on!" "Go on with your chairs." "Get out!" "Go on, go on, go on, you." "And, now, friends," "Signor Ravelli will oblige us at the piano." "Signor Ravelli." "Signor Ravelli's first selection will be" "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping With a Male Chorus." "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16," "17, 18, 19, 20..." "Say, if you get near a song, play it." "I can't think of the finish." "That's strange." "And I can't think of anything else." "You know what I think?" "I think I went past it." "I mean, if you come around again, jump off." "I once kept this up for three days." "You wouldn't consider hush money, would you?" "I can't get him now, I've got to wait for inspiration." "It's about time." "Play the song about Montreal." "Montreal?" "I'm a Dreamer, Montreal." "I don't know that." "I'll tell you what I do." "I play one of my own compositions by Victor Herbert." "Make it short." "He plays them both well." "Atta boy." "The old red team scored that time." "So did the old blue one." "Why do you push, huh?" "Why do you push?" "Oh, please, stop them." "Let them alone." "They may exterminate each other." "Come on, come on!" "The best thing that can happen for either of them." "And once for old Purdue." "I was afraid of that." "Hey, I thought I had the finish." "I wish you did." "Yours." "Play the song about the Irish chiropodist." "Irish chiropodist?" "My Fate is in Your Hands." "Is there a horse in the house?" "They've got everything else here." "And, uh, now, Mrs. Rittenrotten..." "Uh, Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Yes, a slight error." "I have a little surprise for you!" "The man is here for the piano." "Oh, Captain." "No, really." "What I meant to say was that, uh..." "When I departed from the natives in Africa, I was presented with a gift." "And this gift I'm going to give to you at a very low figure." "Oh, how wonderful, Captain!" "Well, no." "Don't be too hasty." "Oh, I just..." "This is all hand-painted." "The whole thing was done with the white of an egg." "Well, what is it, Captain?" "What is it?" ""What is it?" you ask." "This is a hope chest for a guinea pig." "Oh." "What is it?" "This magnificent chest..." "No, this..." "No, this magnificent chest," "I now take great pleasure in presenting to you with my compliments." "Captain, this leaves me speechless." "Well, see that you remain that way." "And, now, ladies and gentlemen..." "Come outside and say that." "If we will all adjourn to the library," "Mrs. Rittenhouse has another, and perhaps greater, surprise for us." "Hmm." "This way, Captain." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, how do you pay Hives?" "By the week or by the pound?" "And now, it is my privilege to reveal the masterpiece of Francois Jacques Dubois Gilbert Beaugard." "No trains will be sold after the magazines leave the depot." "After the Hunt." "There!" "I told you you were a great artist." "Shall we spill the beans now?" "Let's wait a minute." "Something might happen." "Now, I'm sure, we'd all appreciate a few words from Mr. Chandler, who will tell us of the life and work of the artist, Beaugard." "And keep it clean." "Mr. Chandler." "My friends," "I am quite sure that you are all familiar with Beaugard, and this is perhaps his masterpiece." "In it, he has achieved the greatness in the handling of color and line." "Now, you will see here that I..." "Wait!" "This is not my picture." "This is a rank imitation!" "What do you mean, Mr. Chandler?" "Well, here, see for yourself!" "You are right." "It is not the Beaugard." "It certainly isn't." "There's a dog missing!" "Oh, Captain Spaulding, what shall I do?" "Telephone the dog catchers immediately!" "They have taken the original and left me this." "Leave it to me." "I'll throw some light on this subject." "Has anyone a match?" "What's wrong?" " Hives, Hives, where are you?" " Turn on the lights." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose that fish again?" "Oh, Captain, I'm so worried." "Good heavens!" "That one is gone, too!" "Oh, this is awful." "The crooks!" "The crooks!" "They are escaping." "Follow me, men!" "Never mind the men, just the women." "Oh, Captain." "Captain!" " Captain!" " Come on." "Right this way." "He went out here someplace." "Excitement." "I never saw anything so funny in all my life." "It was great, and there goes her old party." "Good old Hives." "Wasn't it funny?" "Oh, very." "Why, you're not afraid, are you, Hives?" "Oh, no, I'm not afraid." "Oh, dear, no." "Only, you see, well, they were talking of having the police here." "And I wouldn't want the police to suspect me." "Why, they wouldn't suspect you." "Oh, yes, they would." "You see, the last time they suspected me," "I got four years." "Hives!" "All right, Hives." "Give me the painting and I'll take care of it." "Good." "Come." "Good heavens!" "It's gone!" "Gone?" "I left it in there." "There?" "There must be thieves at this party." "Oh, God!" "If I'd known that, I never would have come." "Wait a minute." "That professor." "The professor!" "I see!" "Hives, that's the fellow in the woodpile." "Now, listen." "We've got to get that picture away from him!" "Might I suggest some of this?" "What..." "Oh, very satisfactory in these cases." "A few drops on a handkerchief and the professor will no longer obstruct us." "You are sure it'll do the trick?" "Oh, absolutely." "Would you care to try some?" "No, thanks, Hives." "Let's find the professor." "I don't see how the thief could have gotten away." "I wonder who it could have been." "It's a good thing we substituted yours." "Suppose that the thief had gotten away with the Beaugard!" "Oh, it would be all right if they stole mine." "Oh, darling, I..." "I didn't mean that." "But what would mother do?" "Why, it's worth $100,000!" "How could she have replaced it?" "Oh, I understand, dear." "Isn't it exciting?" "Just think." "Whoever took it was right in the room with us!" "Just like Raffles." "Oh, isn't it romantic?" "All the boys I've known" "Used to say I was made of stone" "I would always leave them alone" "In despair" "I've been on the pan" "I've been called an electric fan" "Told I'm even much colder than" "Frigidaire" "I began to wonder" "If I was all wrong" "I thought so till you came along" "Tell me, dear" "Why am I so romantic" "When you're near" "Why am I so romantic" "What a grand feeling" "When your lips meet mine" "That certain something comes" "Stealing up and down my spine" "I don't know what it is you do to me" "You don't know half of the good you do me" "Other boys bore me" "They just leave me blue" "But why am I so romantic" "With you" "Tell me, dear" "Why am I so romantic" "When you're near" "Why am I so romantic" "What a grand feeling" "When your lips touch mine" "That certain something comes" "Stealing up and down my spine" "When we pet close in your arms" "You hold me" "I forget all that my mother told me" "Other girls bore me" "They just leave me blue" "But why am I so romantic" "With you" "Oh, Signor Ravelli." "Ah, how do you do?" "I've been looking for you all morning." "I was busy all morning, but you could have had me last night." "Signor Ravelli, you've gotta put that painting back." "Painting?" "Painting?" "What painting?" "What are you talking?" "The one you changed last night, you remember?" "Oh, you mean the picture?" "Yes." "Hey, what's the matter for you?" "First you want them downstairs, then you want them upstairs." "Then you want them downstairs, then you..." "Come on, make up your mind." "Oh, I do thank you for what you've done." "But you've got to get that painting back before the police get here." "Police?" "Yes!" "They come here?" "Yes!" "Wait, I give it to you, you put it back." "Come on, come on." "Where's the picture?" "What do you mean, "Where's the picture"?" "I put him in there." "It's gone." "Somebody take him." "You take him!" "Me?" "No, I know." "I know." "I..." "The fish peddler." "Abie, the fish peddler." "Did mother invite a fish peddler here?" "I don't know whether she invite, but he's here." "Come on." "We find him." "Good morning, Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Good morning, Mr. Jamison." "And how is Captain Spaulding this morning?" "Oh, he had a very bad night." "He didn't sleep a wink." "He went horseback riding in the middle of the night." "I'm sorry." "Yes, I know." "But we've all been very upset." "Bad case." "Yeah." "Uh, good morning, Captain." "Did you enjoy your ride?" "What in the world are you looking for?" "I lost my horse." "Oh!" "Yes, he slipped right out from between me." "I can't understand it." "I had my feet in the syrups, too." "I don't know." "I don't know how he got..." "I didn't care about that, but I lost the bit you loaned me." "Never mind." "I'll get you another bit." "Well, that'll be two bits I owe you, then." "Captain, I hope you weren't distressed by last night's unfortunate occurrence." "You mean that dinner you served?" "No, the painting that was stolen." "Was there a painting stolen?" "I haven't seen a paper in three weeks." "Jamison, as my secretary, why didn't you inform me there was a painting stolen?" "What do you think I engaged you for?" "But, Captain, I didn't know it." "Well, you should have asked me." "I didn't know it!" " Well, I'm sorry." " You're sorry." "You're a contemptible cur!" "I repeat, sir, you're a contemptible cur!" "Oh, if I were a man you'd resent that." "Please keep quiet, will you?" "I can get along without you, you know." "I got along without your father, didn't I?" "Yes, and your grandfather." "Yes, and your uncle!" "Yes, and your uncle!" "Yes, and my uncle." "Captain!" "I didn't come here to be exonerated." "I beg pardon, Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Oh, you do, eh?" "Well, I'd like to see you crawl out of a rumble seat." "The police are here, madam." "Oh, the police." "Have them come in." "Oh, so, that's your game, is it?" "You can't shut me up." "Captain." "No!" "You can talk to my attorney." "Jamison?" "Yes, sir." "Take a letter to my lawyers." "I'll show you a thing or two, or three." "I'll show you a thing or three." "Oh, Captain." "Sending for the police." "Take a letter to my lawyers!" "Sending for the police, eh?" "I say, take a letter to my lawyers!" "I am taking it!" "Uh, read me what you have so far." "Honorable Charles H. Hungerdunger, in care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick." "Semicolon." "How do you spell "semicolon"?" "All right, make it a comma." "Dear, Elsie..." "No, never mind Elsie." "Do you want me to scratch "Elsie"?" "Well, if you enjoy that sort of thing, it's quite all right with me." "However, I'm not interested in your private affairs, Jamison." "Begin this way." "Let's start all over again." "Honorable Charles H. Hungerdunger, in care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick." "Gentlemen, question mark." " Do you want that, uh..." " in the letter?" "No, put that in an envelope." "Now, then, in re yours of the fifth inst." "Yours to hand and beg to rep." "Brackets." "That, uh, we have gone over the ground carefully and we seem to believe," "I-E, to wit, E-G, in lieu, that, uh, despite all our precautionary measures which have been involved..." "We seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment." "Quotes, unquotes and quotes." "Uh, hoping this finds you, I beg you to remain..." "Hoping this finds him where?" "Well, let him worry about that." "Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison." "Sneak!" "I say, hoping this finds you," "I beg to remain, as of June 9th, cordially yours." "Regards." "That's all, Jamison." "I'll show you where I get off." "Sending for the police." "Now read me the letter, Jamison." ""Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga..."" ""Hungerdunger."" ""Hunga..." "Hun." "Hunga..."" ""Hungerdunger." That's it." ""Hungerdunger."" ""In care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick."" "You've left out a "Hungerdunger."" "You left out the main one, too." "Thought you could slip one over on me, eh?" "All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead." "I'll tell you what you do, Jamison." "I'll tell you what." "Make it, uh, make it three windshield wipers and one "Hungerdunger."" "They won't all be there when the letter arrives anyhow." ""Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick."" ""And McCormick."" ""Dear Elsie, scratch."" "That won't do, Jamison." "That won't go through the mail, the way you got it." "The way you've got the letter, you've got McCormick scratching Elsie." "Now you better turn that around and have Elsie scratch McCormick." "And you better turn McCormick around, too, Jamison." "And see what you can do for me." ""Gentlemen, question mark."" ""Gentlemen, question mark"?" "Put it on the penultimate, not on the diphthongic." "You wanna brush up on your Greek, Jamison." "Well, get a Greek and brush up on him." ""In re yours of the fifth inst." I see." "Now, you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them." "Well!" "Hmm." "Oh, Captain!" "Good gracious!" "Oh, my!" "So, you've just omitted them, eh?" "You've just omitted the body of the letter, that's all." "You've left out the body of the letter, that's all." "Yours is not to reason why, Jamison!" "You've left out the body of the letter!" "All right, send it that way and tell them the body will follow." "Do you want the body in brackets?" "No, it'll never get there in brackets." "Put it in a box." "Put it in a box and mark it, uh, "fragilly."" "Mark it what?" "Mark it "fragilly." F-R-A-G..." "Look it up, Jamison." "It's in the dictionary." "Look under "fragile."" "Look under the table if you don't find it there." "Uh, "Quotes, unquotes, and quotes."" "That's three quotes?" "Yes, sir." "Add another quote and make it a gallon." "How much is it, a gallon, Jamison?" "Regards." "Regards." "That's a fine letter, Jamison." "That's an epic." "That's dandy." "Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away." "And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away." "Just send a stamp airmail." "And that's all." "You may go, Jamison." "I may go, too." "Mrs. Rittenhouse?" "Yes?" "I'm Inspector Hennessey from headquarters." "How do you do, Inspector?" "Let me introduce myself." "I'm Captain Scotland of Spaulding Yard." "No, I'm Captain Spaulding of Scotland Yard." "Please don't make the same mistake again." "I'm glad to know you, Captain." "Well, I should think you would be." "Now, then, inspector, I think between the two of us we can solve the mystery of the stolen painting." "Especially, if you go home." "Inspector, please don't be too hasty about making an arrest." "I don't want my guests embarrassed." "Don't worry." "We won't arrest anybody." "He's lucky if he can stay out of jail himself." "Mr. Jamison, would you mind taking the inspector and his men to the library and showing them the scene of the crime?" "Certainly, Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Right this way, Inspector." "Come on, boys." "And, Jamison, count the spoons." "Captain, I didn't know you'd been a detective." "There's a whole lot of things you don't know." "I suppose that's so." "You know darn well it's so." "Where were you on the night of June 5, 1774?" "I'm afraid I don't know." "You bet you don't know." "Where was I?" "I don't know." "Well, I don't know, either." "And if I did know I wouldn't tell you." "Put that in your pipe and smoke it." "Take a number from one to 10." "All right." "All right." "What's the number?" "Seven." "That's right." "Seven is right." "I could have done it with one hand if I wanted." "This is no mystery." "I could solve this in five minutes if I wanted to worry." "Captain, I don't want you to worry." "I don't want anything to interfere with your weekend." "Nothing ever interferes with my weekend, and I'll thank you not to get personal, Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Captain." "Captain, I assure you..." "Where's my secretary?" "I didn't mean..." "No, no." "Where's my secretary?" "Jamison, Jamison?" "Captain, you misunderstood me." "Oh!" "A more dastardly crack" "I've never heard." "Oh." "Captain, please." "I wish I was back in the jungle where men are monkeys." "Captain, I'm so sorry." "Jamison!" "Jamison?" "No." "Oh, Captain." "Oh, dear." "No!" "Good morning, Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Good morning." "Perfectly charming party." "I wouldn't have missed it for the world." "It's just full of surprises." "So glad you're enjoying yourself." "Oh, Hives." "Hives!" "Good morning." "Some breakfast?" "Breakfast, nothing." "Did you get the painting?" "No, I did not." "I watched all night, but the professor did not sleep in his room." "No?" "Strange." "Very strange." "Good heavens, Hives!" "What will we do?" "I don't know." "Until we see the professor." "You keep an eye on him till I get back with the bottle." "Don't worry, he'll not get away from me this time." "Did you get it?" "Good." "Yes, madam." "Now, I'll go ahead and engage him in conversation." "You'll trail behind, and when the proper time comes, see that he gets it." "Very good, madam." "Oh, hello." "I've been looking all over for you." "Where have you been?" "What is the matter with this?" "What have you got there, the morning papers?" "No, that isn't the one I want." "Let me see one of the others." "That still isn't the one I want." "You know what I want." "Out." "Yes, out." "Never mind the birds." "Come on up here." "Sit down." "I want to talk to you." "Don't you like me?" "You don't?" "Well, I like you." "I like little boys like you." "By the way, how old are you?" "Five years old?" "Why you're just a baby, aren't you?" "Aw, isn't that nice?" "I like that." "No, no, no!" "Now, all joking aside." "Isn't there someone you do like?" "Isn't there someone you love?" "Now think again." "Isn't there someone you really and truly love?" "Is there?" "Tell me who." "Why, that's a horse." "You love a horse." "Come on." "Lift him up." "Come on, he's out." "Let us get out." "Arabella." "John, I've been trying to find you." "Ravelli has lost the painting." "Well, I've been looking all over for you." "I found a painting out on the terrace." "Was it the Beaugard?" "No." "Oh, yours!" "Shh." "Well, if it's not yours and it's not the Beaugard, whose is it?" "Where did it come from?" "Oh, don't you see?" "Someone else came along and substituted it for mine, thinking they were getting away with the original Beaugard." "Somebody swiped my scheme, eh?" "Hey, then Chandler never saw your painting after all." "No!" "For all I know you may still be a great artist." "Where is this picture?" "It's up in my room." "Well, you go get it and I'll get Captain Spaulding." "He'll get to the bottom of this." "And then John found a third painting." "Well, that's very interesting." "Well, fairly interesting." "But we've just got to keep a sharp lookout." "That's all." "Oh, I've got to find it or mother's out of $100,000." "Now, don't worry." "Let me work on this case for 24 hours, and then we'll call in somebody else." "You think it's a mystery now?" "Wait till you'll see it tomorrow." "Remember the Charley Ross disappearance?" "I worked on that case for 24 hours and they never did find him." "They couldn't find me for five years." "That's me, Captain Yard of Scotland Spaulding." "I always get my women." "Or paintings." "Arabella!" "Can you imagine what's happened?" "You know that painting I found?" "Yes?" "Well, it's been stolen from my room." "John!" "There you are." "I've been on the case five minutes and there's another painting gone." "I'll bet it's not even five minutes." "I'll bet it not over three." "Now they've got my watch!" "This is going too far." "It wasn't going and now it's gone." "The door to my room was locked, too!" "Well, how could they get in?" "Who could it have been?" "Wait a minute." "I think I've got a clue." "No, it's a hair." "A red hair." "The professor?" "Oh, no." "No, it couldn't be." "Well, he's been picked this month by the Crook of the Month Club." "Anyhow, we'll investigate it." "You know Conductor Hennessey, don't you?" "Inspector!" "Inspector yourself." "Now, listen, you know that little redheaded fellow?" "The professor?" "Yes." "Well, get that gang of flagpole sitters of yours and see if you can find him." "Aye, aye, Captain." "Come on, boys." "He'll get to the bottom of this." "You'll see how quick these boys..." "Hey, what's that punk doing there?" "They're good policemen." "Didn't take long to find him." "That's right." "This is it." "Yeah, this is it." "But which one is it?" "That's the one that was just taken from my room!" "Well, we've got that back." "Maybe I got my watch back." "Now, the fob is gone." "Well, I still got the pocket." "Anything I retain now is velvet." "Except the coat." "That's Prince Albert." "Well, all the jokes can't be good." "You've gotta expect that once in a while." "Say, if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, well, we'd have a pretty good clue." "What'd you say?" "I said if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, we'd have a pretty good clue." "You just said that!" "What a dull conversationalist you turned out to be." "Let me see that a minute." "Will you?" "Say, this is signed "Beaugard."" "There's the criminal, Beaugard." "No, Beaugard is dead!" "Beaugard is dead?" "Then it's murder!" "Now we've got something." "What you got, Captain?" "I got jacks and aces." "What do you got?" "That's good." "I was bluffing." "Look at this, Ravelli." "Isn't there something strikes you very funny about this picture?" "Oh, come, come." "It isn't as funny as all that." "Did you ever see a tree like that?" "Tree?" "That's a spinach." "That can't be spinach." "Where's the egg?" "Well, it could be spinach." "Look, all the sand laying around there." "You mean, it's an old spinach custom?" "No, it's not that, Ravelli." "Anything but that." "Oh." "No, Cap." "That's all right." "It's my mistake." "You know what that is?" "That's coleslaw." "Coleslaw?" "Yeah, it's a coleslaw." "Did you ever see coleslaw like that?" "Sure, look at this one." "No, I don't want one on your lip, now." "Did you ever see anything like that?" "Did you ever see anything like that?" "You know what this is?" "This is a left-handed painting." "Look, there's a signature." "That's right, it's in the right-hand corner." "That's right." "This is either a left-handed painting or a vegetable dinner." "Now, if we can find the left-handed person that painted this, we'll have The Trial of Mary Dugan with sound." "Well, I saw that." "Good-bye." "Now, you wait here." "I'm gonna need you." "Now, look." "We mustn't lose this." "This is evidence." "Now, take it to your room and leave the door open this time." "We'll try that." "And not a word about this to anybody, not even to me." "Ravelli, we have got to find the left-handed painting." "Yes, the left-handed painter." "Now in a case like this the first thing to do is to find the motive." "Now, what could have been the motive of the guy who has swapped the Beaugard?" "I got it!" "Robbery!" "Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?" "See, Cap, sit down." "You understand, I got an idea how to find this painting." "In a case like this that is so mysterious, you gotta get at the clues." "You gotta use the Sherlock Holmes method." "Now, you go about it like this." "You say to yourself, "What happened?"" "And the answer come back, "Something was stolen."" "Then you say to yourself, "What was stolen?"" "And the answer come back, "A painting."" "What are you, a ventriloquist?" "Now you say to yourself, "Where was this painting stolen?"" "And the answer come back, "In this house."" "Now, so far I'm right, eh?" "Well, it's pretty hard to be wrong if you keep answering yourself all the time." "Now you go a little further, and you say to yourself," ""Who stole the painting?"" "This is a very, very important question." "Captain, you get the answer, you've got the solution to the whole thing." "Especially if you find the picture." "Now you take all the clues." "You put them together." "What do you got, eh?" "A bread pudding." "No, here's what we got." "Something was stolen." "Stolen where?" "In this house." "Stolen by who?" "Somebody in the house." "Now to find the painting, you only gotta do is go to everybody in the house and ask them if they took it." "You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?" "You say you're gonna go to everybody in the house and ask them if they took the painting?" "Suppose nobody in the house took the painting." "Go to the house next door." "That's great." "Suppose there isn't any house next door." "Well, then of course we gotta build one." "Well, now you're talking." "What kind of house do you think we ought put up?" "Well, I'll tell ya, Cap." "You see." "My idea of a house is something nice and small and comfortable." "That's the way I feel about it." "I don't want anything elaborate." "Just a little place that I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner." "I see." "You just want a telephone booth." "No, in that case, I'll get in touch with Chic Sales." "Now, what do you say, Cap, we build right about here?" "Here?" "Yeah, right about here." "Oh, I'd like something over here if I could get it." "I don't like junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school." "I don't like junior at all, as a matter of fact." "All right, all right." "We got something over there." "And believe me, that's convenient." "That's very convenient." "Well, all you gotta do is open the door, step outside and there you are." "There you are?" "Yeah." ""There you are" where?" "Outside." "Well, suppose you want to get back in again?" "You had no right to go out." "Well, don't do anything until I hear from you, will you?" "Say, maybe that's the painting down in the cellar!" "That's no cellar." "That's the roof." "That's the roof?" "Down there?" "Yeah, you see, we keep the roof in the basement, so when the rain comes, the chimney don't get wet." "I'm going out and get X-rayed." "I'll be back in a little while." "I may be wonderful, but I think you're wrong, Ravelli." "Hey, wait, don't get up excited." "Come here." "Now, look, here's the rooms." "Those are the rooms?" "Yeah." "Right, there's the rooms." "This is your room." "This is my room and this is the maid's room." "Oh, I'd have to go through your room?" "Ah!" "That's all right." "I won't be in it." "Say, Ravelli, you couldn't put the maid in your room, eh?" "What makes you think I couldn't?" "Well, there's gonna be a lot of traffic in there." "I can see that." "Well, what do you say?" "You ready to sign the lease?" "Well, it's a little premature." "I'd like to discuss it with my husband." "Could you come back this evening when he is home?" "Hey, you married?" "Why, I've got a girl as big as you are." "All right, get me one." "Don't get vulgar, Ravelli." "Ravelli, how about the painting?" "We take care of that, all right." "Now, I tell you what my idea is." "I think the kitchen should be white." "Outside green, inside cerise with blue..." "The painting, I say." "How about the painting, Ravelli?" "All right, what do you think I talk?" "That's painting." "The kitchen white, outside green, inside cerise." "The painting." "The painting that was stolen." "Stolen?" "Don't you remember Mrs. Rittenhouse lost a valuable Beaugard painting worth $100,000?" "Don't you remember that?" "No, I'm a stranger around here." "I no remember that." "What do you think I am, one of the early settlers?" "Ravelli, don't you remember," "Mrs. Beaugard lost a valuable Rittenhouse painting worth $100,000?" "Don't you remember that?" "No, but I've seen you someplace before." "Well, I don't know where I was, but I'll stay out of there in the future." "Hey, Cap, it come to me like a flash!" "This painting wasn't stolen." "Huh!" "You know what happened?" "This painting, Cap, is disappear." "Vanish." "Yes, it disappear." "And you know what make it disappear?" "You'll never guess, Cap." "What do you think make this painting disappear, eh?" "Moths!" "Moths eat it!" "Left-handed moths." "Go away." "Go away." "I'll be all right in a minute." "Left-handed moths ate the painting, eh?" "That's my own solution." "I wish you were in it." "Left-handed moths ate the painting." "You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open." "Hey, I got pair of shoes." "That's crazy." "Come on, let's get out and get the reward." "We solved it." "You solved it!" "The credit is all yours." "The painting was eaten by a left-handed moth." "Hey, I know, we did a good day's work." "How do you feel?" "Tired?" "It's worth it." "Maybe you ought to lie down for a couple of years, eh?" "Well..." "Why don't you just lie down until rigor mortis sets in?" "Yeah." "That's nothing." "Come on, Ravelli." "I'll show you how we get the painting." "Yeah." "We go to court and we get out a writ of habeas corpus." "You're gonna get rid of what?" "Oh, I should never have started that way." "I can see that." "I say, we'll go to court and we'll get a writ of habeas corpus." "Yeah, scorpus, scorpus." "Didn't you ever see a habeas corpus?" "No, but I see Habeas Irish Rose." "Hey, it's okay." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Mr. Chandler, why don't you go down to the beach with the others?" "I'm sure you'd feel better." "If I had my Beaugard, I'm sure I'd feel better." "Oh, but we're doing everything we can." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, Mrs. Rittenhouse!" "I have it." "The Beaugard!" "Wonderful!" "My Beaugard!" "Wait, this is not my Beaugard!" "This is a rank imitation." "Where did you find it?" "Why, in Mr. uh..." "In Mr. Parker's room, madam." "Parker!" "One thing is certain!" "The man who made that, stole the Beaugard!" "Hives, find Mr. Parker and ask him to come here." "Certainly, madam." "Wait a minute." "My men will bring him in." "Go out and get Mr. Parker." "Oh, what's the matter with this?" "Well, look at here." "You've only to look at it once to see what it is." "It is a rank nothing!" "Mother, what's wrong?" "I can come in without being pulled in." "Mr. Parker, something very mysterious has occurred." "And I'm afraid, you're the only one who can explain." "I'd be only too glad to if I can." "Nothing mysterious about it." "We found this in your room." "Now, what have you done with the original Beaugard?" "Come clean!" "Come on, out with it." "Really, I think I would be wise..." "Well, I have nothing to say." "Except that I don't know where the Beaugard is." "Oh, how is it we found this in your room?" "Come on!" "You better come with me." "You can't take him!" "Arabella!" "Sing one song" "For my old Kentucky home" "For my old" "Kentucky home" "Far away" "So far away" "This program is coming to you from the House of David." "He's either got that suit on upside down or there is no law of gravity." "Einstein or no one." "My tie!" "Oh, Captain, what shall I do?" "They're going to arrest John." "Who's going to arrest John?" "I am, Captain." "Oh, you are, eh?" "Well, let me tell you something." "The first thing they teach you at Scotland Yard is never to arrest an innocent man." "But he's not innocent." "I'll have to arrest him just the same." "By all means or nobody will be safe here." "You can't arrest him!" " I stole it!" " Arabella!" "Don't listen to her, Officer." "I did it." "They're both lying." "I did it!" "I did it with my little hatchet." "Eh, he's crazy." "He's crazy." "I confess, I did it." "Or maybe nobody stole the painting." "Maybe there was no painting." "That's right, maybe there was no painting." "I saw it." "Cut out all the talk." "Who stole the painting?" "I did." "Good gracious!" "What!" "What in the..." "What?" "You?" "You took the picture?" "Where is it?" "Oh, that's a horse." "The Beaugard!" "That is my Beaugard!" "No, that isn't your Beaugard." "Don't be ridiculous." "I paid $100,000 for this painting." "I know what I bought." "Well, look at the signature." ""John Parker."" "Somebody changed it." "That is my Beaugard!" "That is the Beaugard, I tell you!" "There it is!" "Ah, but that one." "That has the color, the depth, the soul of the Beaugard!" "Only a master could have produced a painting like that." "Oh, John." "You mean to tell me that you painted that?" "Yes, sir." "Why, young man, you're a genius!" "You're a genius!" "I commission you to paint a portrait of me immediately!" "Well, you better wait until tomorrow." "I'm gonna be busy all day." "Get it?" "You better come with me, young fellow!" "Don't take him away, Officer." "He returned the paintings." "Pardon me, my name is Spaulding." "I've always wanted to meet you." "All right." "I'll let him go this time." "But I want to give you some advice." "You're running around with the wrong kind of people." "You wanna be a crook?" "Oh, why don't you go home?" "He's got no home." "Go home for a few nights and stay home." "Don't you know your poor, old mother sits there sits there night after night after night." "...waiting to hear your steps on the stairs." "He got no stairs." "And I can see a little light burning in burning in the window." "No, you can't." "The gas company turned it off." "What I'm telling you is for your own good." "And if you listen to me..." "You can't go wrong." "This may go on for years." "Now, there's just one thing..." "I can't understand what's delaying that coffee pot." "Where's the cream?" "Well, you certainly surprised me!" "Me, too." "I thought he had more than that." "It's no use giving you any advice." "Captain, this time I'm afraid I'll have to take him." "Come on, here!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Oh, what's he doing?" "Oh, my dear, oh!" "Hey, what's the idea?" "Jamison, take a letter to my lawyer!" "No, no!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no, no!" "Not..." "Oh." "Oh, to think that I've got to go so young." "Good." "Come on, now." "Let's get out of here before they all wake up." "Hurry up!" "Come on, come on, come on, come on."