"[Kinky Friedman's Shield Of Abraham]" " ♪ JACOB CLIMBED THE LADDER ♪" "♪ CLIMBED IT TO THE SKY ♪" "♪ SAID, PEOPLE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "♪" "♪ HEAVEN AIN'T SO HIGH ♪" "♪ PEOPLE, HEAVEN AIN'T SO HIGH ♪" "♪ WHEN YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" "♪ OF ABRAHAM ♪" " ♪ LITTLE CHILDREN ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" "♪ OF ABRAHAM ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ THE YEARS WERE LIFELESS ♪" "♪ THEY WANDERED ♪" "♪ IN THE DESERT 40 YEARS ♪" "♪ AND OL' MOSES TOLD THE CHILDREN ♪" "♪ BRUSH AWAY THEM TEARS ♪" "♪ HEY, KIDS, THIS AIN'T NO TIME FOR TEARS ♪" "♪ CHILDREN ♪" "♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" "♪ OF ABRAHAM ♪" " ♪ LITTLE CHILDREN ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" "♪ OF ABRAHAM ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ DAVID, HE FOUGHT GOLIATH ♪" "♪ WITH NOTHING BUT A TINY STONE ♪" "♪ DAVID, LITTLE DAVID ♪" "♪ GOD KNOWS YOU'RE NOT ALONE ♪" "♪ GOD KNOWS YOU'RE NOT ALONE ♪" "♪ DAVID, YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" "♪ OF ABRAHAM ♪" " ♪ LITTLE DAVID ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD ♪" " ♪ YOU GOT THE SHIELD... ♪" " MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN THADDEUS REGINALD MCARTHUR O'CONNELL," "AND BETWEEN THE AGES OF 8 AND 17 YEARS OLD," "GOOD OLD UNCLE SAM RESTATIONED MY FATHER 12 TIMES." " CLASS, PLEASE WELCOME..." " G.I. JOE?" "[laughter]" " FROM WICHITA TO BERLIN," "NOBODY WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE NEW KID." " I THINK G.I. JOE IS COOL." " THANKS." "THERE ARE A LOT OF DIFFERENT REASONS" "WHY PEOPLE BECOME FRIENDS..." "BECAUSE YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON" "OR MAYBE BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMETHING" "OR BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL BE YOUR FRIEND." "AND THAT'S HOW I BECAME FRIENDS WITH ADAM LIPSCHITZ." " HOW RUDE OF ME." "WANT ONE?" " [laughs]" "WE WERE COMPLETE OPPOSITES," "BUT WE BECAME BEST FRIENDS." "MY FIRST DINNER WITH THE LIPSCHITZES..." "ONE WORD." " WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE GONE TO CHINA PALACE?" " JEWS." " DENNY, WE'VE DISCUSSED THIS." "YOUR CHOLESTEROL IS 272." "DO YOU WANT TO DROP DEAD OF A HEART ATTACK" "BY THE TIME YOU'RE 50?" " NO, BUT..." " BESIDES, I HEARD THAT THEY COOK" "WITH D-O-G." " ADAM'S MOM TOOK CONTROL OF HER MEN." " NAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, ARLENE." "YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT." " THE BABY JUST KICKED." " I LOVE YOU." " I LOVE YOU." " WELL, I LOVE YOU MORE." " NO, I LOVE YOU MORE." " YOU JUST WAIT TILL LATER." " OOH, IS THAT A THREAT OR A PROMISE?" " IT KIND OF FREAKED ME OUT AT FIRST... [both laugh]" " BUT I LEARNED TO LOVE IT." " HI." "MY NAME'S SOO YUN." "YOU READY TO ORDER?" " STOP STARING AT HER, ADAM." "THAT IS RUDE!" " OH." " YOU CUTE." "YOU STARE ALL YOU LIKE, LITTLE MAN." " YOU ARE NOT AND YOU WILL NEVER BE HER LITTLE MAN." " I NEVER REALIZED HOW DIFFERENT GROWING UP JEWISH WAS..." " WHERE'S MY BURGER?" "BETSY!" " UNTIL I HUNG OUT WITH THE O'CONNELLS." " I'M COMIN'." "I'M SORRY, THE TOTS WERE FROZEN" "AND I..." "AND I HAD TO WAIT FOR THEM TO DEFROST." " AND WHERE'S MY UNCLE BRIAN'S BARBECUE SAUCE, HUH?" " ONE WORD..." "GENTILES." " OH, I GOT DISTRACTED WAITING FOR THEM TOTS." "I'LL GO GET IT." "DON'T YOU MOVE AN INCH." " WAY BACK!" "AND HE SEES TAYLOR!" "AND THE THROW IS UP!" " AAH!" "TOUCHDOWN!" " [inhales using inhaler] [whistle blows]" " OH!" " WHAT THE HELL?" "THAT'S A TOUCHDOWN." "I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING." "THERE'S NOBODY WHO CALLED A BETTER GAME THAN COSELL," "BUT BOY, DID HE HAVE HIM ONE HECK OF A BEAK." "JEW BEAK." " THE TALMUD STATES THAT THE FIRST 12 YEARS" "OF A JEWISH MAN'S LIFE ALL LEAD UP TO THE MOMENT" "WHERE HE MUST TRANSFORM HIMSELF" "FROM A BOY TO A MAN." "ADAM MINTZ LIPSCHITZ, THAT MOMENT HAS ARRIVED." " I'D NEVER BEEN TO ANY JEWY TYPE OF THING" "UNTIL ADAM'S BAR MITZVAH." " [reciting Hebrew nervously]" "GAAH!" "I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" "I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" "I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" "I'M NOT READY!" "I'M NOT READY!" "I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" " AND YOUR FAULT." " [scoffs]" " I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" "I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" " WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" " BAR MITZVAHS ROCK!" " CHRISTIAN DIDN'T ALWAYS COME UP WITH THE SMARTEST IDEAS." " NOBODY CALLS ME G.I. JOE." " MY MOM TOLD ME THAT IF YOUR HAND TOUCHES POO," "YOU CAN GET PSORIASIS." " YEAH, WHATEVER." "LAUNCH SEQUENCE ACTIVATED." " 3, 2, 1." "COMMENCE FIRE!" "[gasps]" "MISSION ABORT!" "MISSION ABORT!" " IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE I'M HAVING A SEIZURE." "I'M NOT." "THIS IS A PANIC ATTACK." "IT'S HEREDITARY." " GET UP LIPSCHITZ, GET UP!" " I CAN'T, CHRIS." " [grunts]" " GO ON WITHOUT ME!" " NO!" "GET UP!" " SONS OF BITCHES!" "[both screaming]" " DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" " 3:07 A.M., SIR." " AND WHAT DO I LIKE TO DO AT 3:07 A.M?" " SLEEP, SIR." " APPARENTLY, THE TWO OF YOU DON'T." "YOU TWO WOULD RATHER BE LAUNCHING BAGS OF FECES." "I NEED A WORD WITH YOU IN PRIVATE." " FECES?" " IN HERE." "YOU SEE, MY SON WOULD HAVE EXECUTED LIKE A REAL MARINE" "IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR PRIVATE LIPSCHITZ," "WHO HAD A BRAIN FART." "HE SCREWED UP THE ENTIRE OPERATION." "NOW WHAT THE HECK KIND OF A WEIRD SHIT IS THAT?" " IT'S A PULMO MACHINE." " ENGLISH!" " IT'S FOR HIS ASTHMA." " SO YOUR BOY, HE'S GOT A FAKE DISEASE?" "I'LL BET YOU MAKE HIM WEAR A SEATBELT TOO." " HOW IS YOUR BOY STILL ALIVE?" "SERIOUSLY, HOW?" " ALL I CAN SAY IS, I THANK GOD AND UNCLE SAM" "THAT I HAVE BEEN RESTATIONED." " SCHMUCK." " COME ON, CHRISTIAN." "LET'S MOVE." "COME ON." " WHERE ARE WE MOVING TO, DAD?" " CAMP BLUE JEAN, SOUTH CAROLINA." " BUT I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AGAIN, DAD." "I LIKE IT HERE." " OH, YOU LIKE IT HERE?" "YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT THERE." " ADAM'S THE BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD." " COME ON, CHRIS." " CHRIS IS THE BEST FRIEND THAT I'VE EVER... [gasping for air]" " MOVE." "[door opens]" " ADAM AND I LOST TOUCH." "HE WAS THE ONLY JEW I EVER KNEW." "BUT THEN..." "COLLEGE." " COULD YOU MAYBE NOT MIX THE POTASSIUM PERMANGANATE" "AND GLYCEROL?" "I PREFER TO NOT EXPLODE BEFORE GRADUATION." "HERE." "USE THE HYDRAZINE." " THANKS." "HER NAME WAS REBECCA HADASSAH ZAHADA OGIN." "YOU KNOW, ME AND YOU HAVE REALLY GOOD CHEMISTRY." "AND JUST LIKE THAT, ALL OF MY DECISIONS WENT AWAY." "OH, I'M GONNA HAVE AN ORDER OF THE FRIED MOZZARELLA STICKS." " NO, YOU WON'T." " I DIDN'T HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT TO EAT..." " SURPRISE." " WHAT?" "I DIDN'T HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT CLOTHES TO BUY." "OH!" "AND I DEFINITELY DIDN'T DECIDE" "WHO MY FRIENDS WERE GONNA BE." " [gasps]" "I'M SORRY, DUDES, BUT CHRIS' GPA" "HAS DROPPED OVER THE PAST TWO QUARTERS," "SO HE WILL NO LONGER BE HOSTING POKER NIGHT." " THIS IS VANCE VAN VANDERSON." "I'M COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO," "GRADUATION DAY!" "YEAH!" "I'M STANDING HERE WITH A HOT AND BUSTY YOUNG CO-ED." "HER NAME IS REBECCA OGIN." "SAY HI FOR THE..." "FOR THE AUDIENCE, REBECCA." " [clears throat] HI." " WOW." "NOW REBECCA HAS JUST INFORMED ME" "THAT SHE IS NOT WEARING ANYTHING" "UNDERNEATH HER GRADUATION GOWN." "IS THAT TRUE, REBECCA?" " THAT IS TRUE, VANCE," "AND I DARE YOU TO GET A CLOSE-UP." "[laughs]" "STOP." "GET OUT." " OH, MY GOD." "YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL." "I JUST..." "I FOUND THIS BEAUTIFUL LITTLE PINK BOX." " YOU'RE DISGUSTING." " NO, LOOK." "REALLY." "[applause in distance]" "MARRY ME, REBECCA." " UH, CHRISTIAN," "LOOK, THESE LAST THREE YEARS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN TOGETHER," "BUT WE'RE ENTERING THE REAL WORLD NOW," "AND IN THE REAL WORLD, THIS CAN'T WORK." " WHY NOT?" " BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT JEWISH." " WAIT." "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" " IT'S OVER, CHRISTIAN." "[applause in distance]" " AND NOW I'M A 31" "YEAR-OLD PLUMBER," "STILL CRYING OVER HIS COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND." "I MISS BEC-BEC." " OKAY, I LOCATED THAT ONE!" "70 POUNDS OF PRESSURE RISING!" "OVER!" " OKAY." "LOCATING THE SEPTIC TANK!" "LOOKING AT 85 POUNDS AND RISING!" "OVER!" "ARE YOU THERE, BOSS?" "OVER!" " YEAH, GUYS, I'M HERE." "SORRY, SORRY." " AND DID YOU FIND THE GAS LINE?" " YEAH, GOT IT." " AND THE SEPTIC SHUT-OFF LINE?" " GOT IT TOO." " OKAY, BOSS." "WE'RE GOING TO SHUT THEM BOTH DOWN, OKAY?" "TRES, DOS, SHUT OFF!" "[loud bang]" " [screams]" " GUYS, I'M REALLY SORRY." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED." "I MUST HAVE SPACED OUT." " IT'S COOL, BOSS." "NO WORRIES." "I SPACE OUT TOO SOMETIME." " [groans]" " BUT IF IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY" "TO TURN OFF THE GAS AND SEWER LINES" "TO PROTECT THE LIVES" "OF MY LOYAL, HARDWORKING, UNDERPAID EMPLOYEES" "NEXT TO A LEAKING SEPTIC TANK" "WITH 10,000 POUNDS OF RAW SEWAGE," "I WOULD NOT FUCKING SPACE OUT!" " SORRY." "WHAT'D YOU SAY?" "I SPACED OUT." " AY, MADRE DE DIOS!" "QUE ES ESO?" "WHAT IS THAT?" " WHAT?" " QUE ES ESO?" "QUE..." "OF COURSE!" "WHAT WAS I THINKING, COMING TO WORK WITH YOU TODAY?" "IT'S MAY 25TH." " OYE, CINCO DE MAYO?" " NO, PENDEJO, MAY 25TH IS THE DAY" "THAT THIS CHICA REBECCA DUMPED HIM NINE YEARS AGO." " WASN'T THAT THE DAY LAST YEAR" "WHERE BOSS FIXED THE TOILET IN THE MEN'S ROOM" "AND ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED IT UP TO THE HOT WATER?" "[both laugh]" " BOILING TOILET DAY." " BOSS, I LOVED THAT DAY, MAN." " I WENT TO TAKE A CRAP AND THE TOILET EXPLODED!" "I STILL HAVE PORCELAIN IN MY ASS." " [laughs]" " LOOK, BOSS, ME AND JUAN, OKAY," "WE LOVE YOU, OKAY?" "BUT WE ARE GETTING TIRED" "OF RISKING OUR LIFE FOR THIS PUTA!" "LOOK, JUST DO US BOTH A FAVOR." "GO OUT THERE AND FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER PUTA" "AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE, PUTO!" " YOU GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, YOU PUTO!" " I ALREADY SAY THAT!" " BOSS, CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM?" " MM-HMM." "[triumphant orchestral music]" " HAVE YOU EVER DREAMED" "OF HAVING YOUR NICKNAME" "EMBROIDERED ON YOUR FAVORITE UNDIES?" " WHAT ABOUT YOUR GANG NAME ON YOUR BASEBALL CAP?" "MALT 40!" "UNH!" "MANATEE!" "UH-HUH!" "GOLDIE TOOTH!" " THEN COME ON DOWN TO THE EMBROIDERY PALACE." " WHERE OUR ROYAL FAMILY HAS PROVIDED" "THE HIGHEST QUALITY CUSTOM EMBROIDERY FOR 50 YEARS!" "all:" "NO BOOTY TOO BIG, NO BOOTY TOO SMALL," "BECAUSE HERE AT THE EMBROIDERY PALACE," "WE EMBROIDER IT ALL!" "[phone rings]" " WHAT THE HELL?" " OH, DAMN IT!" "SORRY." "I TOLD HER NOT TO CALL AGAIN." " COULD YOU BE ANY MORE PUSSY-WHIPPED?" "RREOW!" "[imitates whip crack]" " YEAH." "WHAT NOW?" "AND HERE I AM," "STUCK WORKING FOR THE FAMILY BUSINESS" "AND ENGAGED TO HANNAH DANIELS." "THIS IS HER 13TH CALL." "YES, I'M AVAILABLE AFTER 3:00 TOMORROW." "WHY?" "WHAT?" "NO!" "WHY WOULD WE HAVE A PRESCHOOL INTERVIEW?" "THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" "YOU'RE NOT EVEN PREGNANT YET!" " NO, HANNAH, IT'S SMART TO INTERVIEW NOW." "IT'S VERY HARD TO GET INTO A GOOD PRESCHOOL." " THIS COMMERCIAL IS COSTING ME AN ASSLOAD." "GET OFF THE PHONE!" " OKAY, I GOTTA GO." "I GOTTA GO." "YES, I LOVE YOU." "BYE." " WHAT IS THAT?" " WHAT?" " YOU HAVE A MASSIVE BLACKHEAD ON YOUR FOREHEAD." "WHY DIDN'T YOU COVER THAT BEFORE THE SHOOT?" " EW!" "DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL" "DURING OUR COMMERCIAL?" "WOULD YOU PREFER OUR FAMILY GO BROKE?" " OH, MOM, NO!" "COME ON, MOM!" " OH, NO." "STOP MOVING." "DENNIS, GET ME MY SAFETY PIN." " NO, NOT THE SAFETY PIN!" "COME ON!" " IT'S 5:00." "I HAVE TO GO MEET BRIANNA." " WELL, BRIANNA'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT." "HOLD HIS HEAD." " WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?" "IF MY BROTHER WASN'T SUCH A DOUCHE" "AND HIS PSYCHO FIANCEE WASN'T CALLING HIM" "EVERY TWO MINUTES..." " SHE IS NOT A PSYCHO." " SHE'S THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOUR BROTHER." " I'M NOT A DOUCHE!" "OW!" " I GOT IT!" "I GOT IT!" " WHAT THE HELL?" "EXCUSE ME!" "EXCUSE ME!" "WHAT'S..." "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" "[hammering in distance]" "HANNAH!" "HANNAH!" "OH, FUCK ME!" "A JACKHAMMER?" "COME..." "HANNAH!" " NOT A BOTHER AT ALL, MRS. NEIMAN." "YOU CAN ALWAYS CALL ME AT HOME WHEN THERE'S A PROBLEM." "WHY DO YOU THINK I WAS RANKED NUMBER ONE GYNECOLOGIST" "BY CITY QUEST THREE YEARS IN A ROW?" "JUST REMEMBER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT MIGHT ITCH," "I DON'T WANT YOU TO SCRATCH IT." "OKAY, BYE." "[phone beeps]" "STUPID BITCH." "OH, HEY, I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SNEAK IN." " OH, PROBABLY 'CAUSE OF THE JACKHAMMER THAT'S OUTSIDE." " HOW'D THE REST OF THE COMMERCIAL SHOOT GO?" " FINE." "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?" " THEY'RE STARTING CONSTRUCTION ON THE BABY'S ROOM." "ISN'T IT EXCITING?" " HONEY, I-I KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY SO BAD," "AND SO DO I, IN THE FUTURE, BUT THERE IS NO BABY" "TO BUILD A ROOM FOR YET." "THERE'S NOT EVEN..." "NOT EVEN A FETUS" "TO BUILD A ROOM FOR YET." " BUT IT CAN TAKE UP TO 18 MONTHS" "TO COMPLETE CONSTRUCTION ON THE SERIES SIX BPBC." " I'M SORRY." "BPBC?" " BABY PROTECTION BED CHAMBER." " OH, GOD." " YOU ENTER HERE, THROUGH THE ANTI-BACTERIAL WASH CHAMBER" "TO DISINFECT AND PUT ON STERILIZED SCRUBS." "ONCE INSIDE, YOU'LL BE SURROUNDED" "BY FIRE-RETARDANT JUNGLE BOOK WALLPAPER," "A SIX-INCH-THICK BULLET AND GERM-PROOF BABY ENCASEMENT UNIT, 24-HOUR CLOSED CIRCUIT VIDEO SURVEILLANCE," "LIFE-SIZE PARENTAL CONTROL REINFORCEMENTS," "ANTHRAX DETECTOR, RADON DETECTOR," "CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR, SMOKE DETECTOR," "AND FAULTY DETECTOR DETECTOR," "AND A PANIC ROOM." " AND..." "AND..." "AND WHAT IS THIS?" " FOR AN EXTRA 30 GRAND," "THEY CAN INSTALL AN UNDERGROUND ESCAPE TUNNEL" "JUST IN CASE THE PANIC ROOM GETS OVERRUN BY TERRORISTS." " TERRORISTS?" " TERRORISTS." " [laughs]" "WELL, THANK GOD THAT'S OPTIONAL." " OH, I'LL BE EXERCISING THAT OPTION." "[singing to song on radio] - ♪ YOU'RE REALLY GONE AGAIN ♪" "♪ IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ♪" "♪ WE'RE TWO OF... ♪ - ♪ WE'RE TWO OF A KIND ♪" " ♪ A KIND ♪" "♪ ♪ [gasps]" "WORKING ON A DREAM." "[tires squeal]" "AND THEN IT HIT ME" "HARDER THAN DALE EARNHARDT HITTING THAT WALL," "REST IN PEACE." "THE GUYS WERE RIGHT." "I NEEDED TO FIND ANOTHER PUTA." "A JEWISH PUTA." "HOW YOU DOIN'?" " [groans]" " HEY, I'M CHRISTIAN." "HEY, YOU REMEMBER WHEN CHENEY" "SHOTGUNNED THAT OLD GUY IN THE FACE BACK IN '06?" "I MEAN, I FELT BAD FOR HIM, DIDN'T YOU?" "HEY, SO YOU BEEN A JEW YOUR WHOLE LIFE?" "DAMN, A LOT OF HOT JEW PUSSY IN HERE." "HEY, AM I RIGHT?" "[groans] NO, BAD." "BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD." " [laughs]" "THAT IS A VERY NICE GETUP." "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT STUFF?" " THANKS." "I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME." "IT'S MINE." " [laughs]" " YOU LIKE IT?" " IT'S HYSTERICAL." " REALLY?" " AND I'M REALLY GLAD TO SEE" "THAT YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR" "ABOUT THE WHOLE THING." " OH, HEY, WELL, THANKS." " SO HOW DID IT GO IN THERE?" " BAD." "I DON'T THINK THE GIRLS AROUND HERE" "LIKE A GUY LIKE ME." " WELL, THAT'S CRAZY." " I MEAN, WHAT GIRL HERE" "WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED" "IN A REALLY CUTE JEWISH GUY" "WITH A WHACKED-OUT SENSE OF HUMOR?" " SO YOU, UH," "YOU COME TO THESE THINGS OFTEN?" " ONLY THE ONES THAT MY MOTHER ORGANIZES." " [laughs] YOUR MOTHER." "SHE ORGANIZED THIS?" " YEAH, AND IF I DIDN'T SHOW UP," "I WOULD NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT." "YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS." " YEAH, I KNOW HOW THAT IS." " [laughs]" "YOU SHOULD TAKE MY NUMBER." " FOR WHAT?" " TO CALL ME." " OKAY." "YEAH, OKAY." "[phone beeps] FIVE MISSED CALLS." "I NEVER EVEN HEARD THE PHONE RING." " OH, WHO'S YOUR PROVIDER?" " PIN MOBILE." " WELL, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE." "PIN MOBILE HAS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF COVERAGE IN L.A. COUNTY" "AND THE MOST DROPPED CALLS OF ANY NETWORK." "YOU SHOULD SWITCH TO ATT NATION 900" "WITH UNLIMITED MOBILE TO MOBILE." " THANKS." " ALISON." "ALISON MARKS." "AND YOU ARE?" " RO..." "ROSENBERG." "AVI ROSENBERG." " MAN, YOU DO NOT LOOK JEWISH." " REALLY?" "I..." "YOU KNOW, I HAVE GOTTEN THAT." " I'M GONNA HEAD BACK IN." "OKAY." "AVI." " ROSENBERG." " I'M GONNA HEAD BACK IN." " OKAY." "BYE." " ARE YOU FUCKING LOCO, BOSS?" "YOU NO JEW!" " I KNOW I'M NOT A JEW." "SHE'S JUST LIKE REBECCA." " AY, DIOS MIO!" " LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID IT!" "IT JUST CAME OUT, ALL RIGHT?" " WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH." " NO, I'M NOT GONNA TELL HER THE TRUTH." " I'M NOT GONNA TELL HER THE TRUTH," "'CAUSE THEN SHE'S NEVER GONNA DATE ME." "I'M JUST GONNA KEEP TELLING HER I'M A JEW" "AND HOPE SHE DOESN'T FIND OUT." " Y QUE GRANDE SON SU TETAS?" " JUAN, I DON'T CARE HOW BIG HER TITS ARE!" "BUT, I MEAN, THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD." " ARE YOU STUPID?" "JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY YOU'RE A JEW DOES NOT MAKE YOU ONE!" " I KNOW." "I KNOW!" " LOOK, SHE'S GOING TO FIND OUT, BOSS." " I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING!" " HEY, YOU KNOW, BOSS," "JESUS WAS A JEW." "WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER YOU'RE JESUS?" "HUH?" "DE NADA." " COME ON DOWN TO THE EMBROIDERY PALACE." " WHERE OUR ROYAL FAMILY HAS PROVIDED" "THE HIGHEST QUALITY CUSTOM EMBROIDERY FOR 50 YEARS." " ADAM LIPSCHITZ!" "THIS HAD TO BE A SIGN." " NO BOOTY TOO BIG, NO BOOTY TOO SMALL," "BECAUSE HERE AT EMBROIDERY PALACE," "WE EMBROIDER IT ALL!" " A JEWISH SIGN!" " ALL RIGHT." "[claps hands]" "I WANT EVERYBODY TO CLOSE YOUR EYES" "AND FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNOW" "ABOUT EMBROIDERY," "BECAUSE STARTING NEXT TUESDAY," "THE EMBROIDERY PALACE WILL BE IN POSSESSION" "OF THIS BAD BOY!" "BEHOLD THE MAUTER EVOLUTION 30-70!" "OKAY." "ON TO THE NEXT PIECE OF BUSINESS," "WHICH IS OUR MONTHLY CORPORATE ACCOUNT REVIEW." "JILLIE BEAN, CAN YOU PASS OUT" "THE ACCOUNT REVIEW BOOKS, PLEASE?" " [groans] [book slams]" " NOW, AS YOU ALL KNOW," "THE HANDLEBAR COFFEE COMPANY" "HAS BEEN OUR LARGEST CORPORATE CLIENT" "FOR THE PAST TEN..." "[book slams]" "YEARS." "[clears throat]" "THEY NOTIFIED ME THIS MORNING" "THAT FROM THIS DAY FORWARD," "THEY WILL BE TAKING THEIR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE" "DUE TO THIS." " [snickers]" " ADAM," "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED?" " [muffled] ONE SEC, DAD." " ADAM!" " WHAT?" "OH, MY GOD!" "OH, GOD." "I "CUN'T"..." "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I DID THAT." "BUT I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE WITH THIS WHOLE WEDDING THING!" "I GOT..." "I GOT HANNAH NAGGING ME ABOUT BRUNCH TOMORROW." "IT'S..." "I MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN TO DOUBLE-CHECK THE SAMPLE." " YOU SHOULD FIRE THE PRINCE, DAD." " OH, I'D LIKE TO CHOP OFF THE PRINCE'S HEAD," "BUT THEN THERE'D BE NOBODY TO ASCEND THE THRONE!" "[intercom beeps] PAGING PRINCE ADAM." "THERE'S A MR. CHRISTIAN O'CONNELL HERE TO SEE YOU." " [muffled] CHRISTIAN O'CONNELL?" " WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT." "COME BACK HERE." "WHAT..." "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?" " WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?" " YEAH." " YOU..." "YOU TELL SOME GIRL YOUR NAME IS AVI ROSENBERG" "AND THEN YOU SHOW UP AFTER 17 YEARS SO THAT..." "THAT I CAN" "TEACH YOU HOW TO BE A JEW SO YOU CAN DUPE HER?" " YEAH." " HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" " LISTEN, I'VE BEEN DUMPED BY A JEW BEFORE." "I'M NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN." "IT'S NOT PRETTY, MAN." " ALL RIGHT, WHY ME?" " BECAUSE OTHER THAN REBECCA OGIN," "YOU'RE THE ONLY JEW I KNOW." "NOW, COME ON, MAN." "I NEED YOU." "YOU GOTTA TEACH ME HOW TO PASS MYSELF OFF" "AS ONE OF YOU GUYS." " WELL, WHY DO YOU" "WANT TO MARRY A JEW SO BADLY?" " BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO MAKE" "ANOTHER DECISION FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE." " WOW." "THAT'S MILDLY OFFENSIVE, YOU KNOW THAT?" " YES, BUT TRUE." " OKAY, I GOT IT." "TELL HER THE TRUTH AND THEN CONVERT FOR HER." " NO." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "NO." "LISTEN TO ME." "ALISON MARKS IS NOT GONNA SETTLE FOR IMITATION JEW." "SHE CAN HAVE THE REAL DEAL." "NOW, COME ON, ADAM." "JUST HELP ME." " I'M SORRY." "DID YOU SAY HER NAME WAS ALISON MARKS?" " YEAH, ALISON MARKS." "WHY?" " I WENT TO SUNDAY SCHOOL" "WITH AN ALISON MARKS." " OKAY." " DID..." "DID SHE TELL YOU WHAT HER FAMILY DID?" " HER FAMILY?" "HER MOTHER, UH, ORGANIZED THE MIXER." "WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE." "YOU KNOW THEM, DON'T YOU?" "DO YOU KNOW THEM?" " YEAH, YOU COULD SAY THAT." " WHAT?" " OH!" "OH, I KNOW, I KNOW." "BUT LISTEN, LISTEN." "CHRIS, THIS IS, UH, YOU KNOW," "THIS IS GREAT, SEEING YOU AGAIN." " I KNOW." "YOU LOOK AWESOME." " AND I LOVE THAT, YOU KNOW," "ARE..." "ARE..." "ARE SEEING WHAT I'M DOING HERE," "BUT I-I GOT A LOT OF SHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW," "AND MY..." "SORT OF, MY WORLD'S FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN" "WITH THE WEDDING," "AND..." "AND..." "AND..." "AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR PRESCHOOLS." " PRESCHOOLS?" " BUILDING A SAFE ROOM FOR THE..." "FOR THE BABY." " WAIT A MINUTE." "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A BABY." " YEAH." "I-I DON'T." " OH." " IT'S COMPLICATED." " SOUNDS IT." " CHRIS, I DON'T THINK I'M THE GUY" "FOR THIS ADVENTURE." " OKAY." "I UNDERSTAND." " YEAH." " WELL, UM, YOU KNOW," "FOR WHATEVER IT'S WORTH," "I'M GLAD I TRACKED YOU DOWN." " NO, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU." " SO, MAYBE WE'LL..." "WE'LL DO SOME LUNCH," "UH, WE'LL CATCH UP." " I WOULD LOVE TO DO SOME LUNCH." "YEAH, THAT'D BE FUN." " I'M GONNA BE UP ON MY PARENTS' RANCH FOR THE WEEKEND," "SO..." "BUT HERE'S MY BUSINESS CARD." " OH, THANKS." "I DON'T HAVE A..." " MAYBE WE'LL GET A, UH..." " WELL, HERE." " COFFEE." " UH, TAKE THIS." "EMBROIDERY PALACE." " IT'S A NICE YELLOW." "YEAH." "AWESOME." " DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, HANNAH," "BUT WHAT LED YOU TO DIAGNOSE IT AS VAGINITIS?" " WELL, DAD, SHE WAS EXPERIENCING ITCHING," "IRRITATION, ABNORMAL DISCHARGE, AND PAIN DURING INTERCOURSE..." "ALL THE BASIC SYMPTOMS." " YES, THOSE ARE THE BASIC SYMPTOMS TO VAGINITIS." "BUT DID YOU ALSO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION" "THEY COULD INDICATE VULVITIS?" " YES, DAD, BUT I RULED OUT VULVITIS" "BECAUSE HER VULVA WAS NOT ENFLAMED." " NO NEED TO GET DEFENSIVE, SWEETIE." " YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT WITH YOUR DIAGNOSIS." "IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GYNECOLOGIST," "I ONCE DIAGNOSED A PATIENT WITH VAGINITIS" "WHEN THEY HAD VULVITIS." " YOU KNOW WHAT?" "IT MIGHT HAVE EVEN BEEN" "BACTERIAL VAGINOSIS." " IT WAS NOT BACTERIAL VAGINOSIS" "BECAUSE THERE WAS NO GRAY DISCHARGE." " IN MY 25 YEARS OF PRACTICE," "I HAVE SEEN MANY CASES OF VAGINOSIS" "WITH NO GRAY DISCHARGE." "WOULD YOU BACK ME UP ON THAT, BRUCE, PLEASE?" " YOUR MOTHER'S RIGHT, SWEETIE." "WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS A FEW MORE YEARS THAN YOU," "AND SOMETIMES EVEN WE CAN'T" "DISTINGUISH BETWEEN VAGINOSIS, VAGINITIS, OR VULVITIS." " LOX, HONEY?" " COTTAGE CHEESE?" " OKAY, EXCUSE ME." "I'M JUST GONNA..." "USE THE BATHROOM." "I'LL..." "I'LL BE BACK." " HOLD IT." "BETS..." "WHY DON'T YOU AND THE LADIES HAND OUT SOME EGGNOG?" " ALL RIGHT." " THANKS, MOM." " NOG, BABY." " DAMN RIGHT." " NOG, BABY?" " SECOND THAT." " OH, MAMA, THAT IS SOME GOOD NOG." " SON, WHY IS IT THAT YOU HAVEN'T FOUND YOURSELF" "A GOOD WOMAN YET?" "HUH?" "SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU..." "SERVE YOU NOG." " MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE CHRISTIAN'S A HOMO-SEXU-WAHL!" " ALL RIGHT, YOU STOP BULLYING YOUR BROTHER." "HE WILL FIND HIMSELF A GIRL..." " THAT'S RIGHT." " OR WHATEVER, WHEN HE'S GOOD AND READY?" " WHAT?" "[laughter]" " I'M READY TO BAG ME A 10-POINTER," "AND I'M GONNA SKIN HIM, GUT HIM," "AND PULL OUT HIS RECTUM." " THE HELL YOU ARE!" "I'M PULLING OUT THE RECTUM, ASS TAR!" " WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PULLING OUT A RECTUM?" " HE ALWAYS PULLS OUT THE RECTUMS." " YOU MAKE A CIRCULAR INCISION AND..." "CLAYTON, CHUCK!" "OVER HERE NOW!" " HURRY UP, THERE'S COME RECTUM OVER THERE." "[laughter]" " YOU TWO TAKE A KNEE." "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FIGHT OVER" "WHO'S GONNA PULL THE RECTUM?" "YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT WHAT HUNTING IS ALL ABOUT." "HUNTING IS ABOUT THE FAMILY." "IT'S ABOUT TEAMWORK." "IT'S ABOUT FINDING PEACE." "[cell phone rings]" " HELLO?" " THAT NIGHT, WHEN WE WERE T.P.ing TIM BAKER'S HOUSE," "AND I HAD ONE OF MY ATTACKS, AND I TRIPPED AND I FELL," "YOU COULD HAVE LEFT ME THERE" "AND SAVED YOURSELF." " SO RUDE!" " OKAY, ONE SECOND." "JUST..." "BUT YOU DIDN'T..." "BECAUSE YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND." "AND BEST FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR EACH OTHER." " MOOSE!" "[gunfire]" "YO!" " FUCK YEAH!" " BEAUTY, AIN'T HE?" "SPENT THE EXTRA GRAND FOR THE GLASS EYES," "BUT THEY THREW IN THE MATTE FINISH HORN SHEEN PACKAGE." "UNH." "HEY, DO YOU LIKE WHERE I PUT HIM?" "'CAUSE I WAS THINKING MAYBE..." "I MEAN," "I COULD PUT HIM BETWEEN THE BASS AND THE BOAR'S ASS." " THE PLAN WAS TO REMOVE ALL TRACES OF GENTILE FROM CHRIS," "WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE A VERY BIG TASK." " I DON'T GET WHY I HAVE TO SELL MY TRUCK." " BECAUSE VOLVOS ARE PRACTICAL AND THEY'RE SAFE," "AND JEWISH GIRLS LOVE 'EM." " BUT I'M NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO FIT MY KILL INTO A VOLVO." " THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SELLING THE MOOSE HEAD." "ALL RIGHT, $200 IT IS." " DEAL." " ALL RIGHT." "TAKE THAT WITH YOU." "NO, LET HIM TAKE IT." "CHRIS, LET HIM TAKE IT!" " I'M GIVING IT TO HIM." " NO, YOU'RE NOT." "YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO IT." " I PULLED THE RECTUM OUT OF THAT ONE." " ALL RIGHT." "THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE." " NO." "SALMON!" " STOP IT." " [blowing]" "SO UH, YOU THINK I'M GONNA BE READY FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?" "OW, OW, OW." " YES, JUST DO WHAT I SAID, AND YOU'LL BE FINE." " TELL ME AGAIN WHY I'M DOING THIS." " BECAUSE THE LAW STATES THAT YOU CAN'T BE BURIED" "IN A JEWISH CEMETERY IF YOU'VE DESECRATED YOUR BODY" "WITH TATTOOS, MARKINGS, OR PIERCINGS." " WELL, THAT'S STUPID." "YOU'RE DEAD ALREADY." "WHO CARES?" " WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER." "IT'S THE LAW." "HAVE YOU BEEN TAKEN CARE OF DOWN THERE?" " DOWN WHERE?" " HAVE YOU BEEN CIRCUMCISED?" "SORRY." " NO." "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" "MY FAMILY'S NOT INTO THE WHOLE" "CHOP YOUR COCK AT BIRTH THING." "BESIDES, IT'S NOT THAT NOTICEABLE." " IT IS NOTICEABLE!" "MINE LOOKS NORMAL," "AND YOURS LOOKS LIKE A..." "LIKE AN ANTEATER." "LIKE THIS." "DO YOU WANT THAT IN YOUR FACE?" " [laughs] GET THAT..." "GET IT OFF OF THERE, MAN." "SORRY." " SORRY." "IF CHRIS WAS GONNA STAND A CHANCE WITH ALISON," "HE NEEDED A CRASH COURSE IN THE WAY OF THE JEW." "NOW, I'M YOUR DATE, AND I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME" "SEVEN YIDDISH WORDS THAT YOU WILL CASUALLY SLIP" "INTO THE CONVERSATION." " GO." " GOYIM." " THE SECOND THE WAITER APPROACHES," "WHAT DO YOU DO?" " OH, UH, I'M FEELING A BIT OF A DRAFT." "WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF WE MOVE TO ANOTHER TABLE?" "SCHVITZ." " GOOD." "NOW, YOU'VE BEEN RELOCATED" "TO THE NEW TABLE," "AND WHAT DO YOU DO?" "[murmuring]" " OH, COULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN THAT LOUD MUSIC?" "KVETCH." " ALL RIGHT, NOW WE'RE ON TO THE ORDERING PROCESS." "NOW, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT AS A JEW," "YOU HAVE TO TAKE SOMETHING ON THE MENU" "AND ALTER IT BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION." "ALL RIGHT?" " OKAY." " PRACTICE." " WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE" "TO CHANGE THAT SIDE SALAD TO AN ENTREE," "AND WOULD YOU MIND THROWING A LITTLE SALMON IN THERE?" "NOSH." "UH, CAN I HAVE THAT ON THE SIDE?" "PUPIK." " DINNER COMES." "THE SALAD IS EXACTLY HOW YOU ORDERED IT, RIGHT?" " RIGHT." " TAKE ONE BITE, AND YOU..." " SEND IT BACK." " YES, YOU SEND THAT SHIT BACK!" "WE NEVER EAT WHAT WE ORDER." "EVER, EVER, EVER." " EVER!" " YOU READY?" " I THINK SO." " YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING?" " I DON'T KNOW." " LET'S TAKE A WALK WITH IT THEN." " HI." " HI." "NICE VOLVO." " THANKS." "I JUST GOT IT." " OH, I GOT MINE LAST YEAR." "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "VOLVOS ARE THE SAFEST CARS IN THE WORLD," "AND THEY LAST FOREVER." " YEAH." " NO NASCAR GETUP TONIGHT?" " NASCAR?" "WHY?" " OH, YEAH, NO." "UH, YEAH, I WAS GONNA WEAR IT TONIGHT," "BUT, UH, THE DRYCLEANER HAS IT." " OH." "[chuckles]" "SO WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?" " WELL, I THOUGHT..." " BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW" "WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, SO I MADE RESERVATIONS" "FOR 7:00 NEAR 1 ST AND HOPE." "IT'S NEAR THE MUSIC HALL." " YEAH, SURE." " AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU LIKE JAZZ," "BUT SMOKEY JOE JEFFERSON IS PLAYING AT THE FEDORA TONIGHT," "SO I GOT US TICKETS." " THAT SOUNDS GREAT." " GREAT." "THE MUSIC HALL IS ON GRAND AND FIGUEROA." "AND I CHECKED TRAFFIC." "THE 101 IS CLOSED" "BETWEEN BARHAM AND HIGHLAND," "SO YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA WANT TO TAKE" "FOUNTAIN TO LA CIENEGA TO THE 10" "TO THE 110 NORTH AND THEN GET OFF ON FIGUEROA" "PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT." "SO AFTER I GRADUATED FROM PENN, I TRAVELED EVERYWHERE." "STARTED WITH SOUTHEAST ASIA, WENT TO THAILAND," "CAMBODIA, BURMA." "I EVEN LIVED IN INDIA FOR A MONTH" "WITH THE UNTOUCHABLES." " OH, I LOVE THAT MOVIE." " [laughs]" " SEAN CONNERY... [as Sean Connery] SEAN CONNERY IS GREAT IN IT." " [laughs] SO THEN AFTER I VOLUNTEERED" "AS AN AIDS RELIEF WORKER IN THE SUDAN," "I JUST FELT LIKE I NEEDED TO USE MY FINANCE DEGREE" "TO HELP PEOPLE IN THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES" "RELIEVE THEIR DEBT." "SO THAT'S HOW I STARTED WORKING FOR THE IDRF." " WOW." " AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, AVI?" "WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A DOCTOR?" " OH, UH, WELL..." "YEAH, THE HOURS ARE CRAZY," "AND I'M ON CALL 24/7 FOR EMERGENCIES." "AND UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE TO DEAL" "WITH A LOT OF CRAP." "BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY," "LIKE YOU, I LOVE HELPING PEOPLE" "WHEN THEIR PLUMBING GETS BACKED UP." "[laughs]" " [clears throat] BONJOUR." "MY NAME IS CLAUDE." "I WILL BE YOUR SERVER THIS EVENING." " UH, YES, CLAUDE, I'M FEELING A BIT OF A DRAFT HERE." "DO YOU MIND IF WE MOVE TO ANOTHER TABLE?" " HM." " OOH." " CLAUDE, WOULD YOU MIND TURNING DOWN THE LOUD MUSIC?" "AND TURNING UP THE LIGHTS?" "IT'S SO DARK IN HERE, I DON'T THINK I'D BE ABLE" "TO READ THE MENU." " IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE, SIR." "BUT IN THE MEANTIME, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT OUR SPECIALS." "FOR APPETIZER, WE HAVE A SCRUMPTIOUS SALAD" "WITH GORGONZOLA, CANDIED WALNUTS, PEARS," "CRANBERRIES, AND A HONEY DIJON VINAIGRETTE." "TO DIE FOR." " WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE TO CHANGE THAT APPETIZER SALAD" "TO AN ENTREE?" "AND COULD YOU SUBSTITUTE FETA FOR GORGONZOLA," "PECANS INSTEAD OF WALNUTS, APPLES INSTEAD OF PEARS," "AND CRANBERRIES INSTEAD OF RAISINS?" "AND THE HONEY DIJON VINAIGRETTE..." "CAN YOU PUT IT ON THE SIDE, PLEASE?" " ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?" " YES, AND I HOPE THIS ISN'T TOO MUCH TROUBLE," "BUT WOULD YOU MIND THROWING A LITTLE SALMON IN THERE?" " AND FOR MADAME?" " THAT SOUNDS GREAT, AVI." "I'LL HAVE THE SAME THING." " OF COURSE." " THANKS, MENSCH." " SO DID YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE A DOCTOR?" " [laughs] NO." "YOU KNOW, I MEAN, BEING JEWISH," "I ONLY HAD A FEW OPTIONS." "BECOME A DOCTOR, BECOME A LAWYER." "BECOME A BANKER AND MANIPULATE THE ECONOMY." "GO INTO PUBLISHING, MANIPULATE THE MEDIA." " [laughs] GOD, YOU ARE TOO MUCH." " YOU'RE SO CUTE." "TURN YOUR HEAD FOR A SECOND." "DID YOU GET A NOSE JOB?" " NO." " ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" "THAT'S YOUR REAL NOSE?" "THAT'S THE HOTTEST LITTLE JEW BEAK EVER." " AND FOR MADEMOISELLE." " MMM." "THAT LOOKS GOOD." "AND FOR MONSIEUR." " THANK YOU, CLAUDE." "THIS LOOKS REALLY GOOD." "MMM." "OH." "[gags]" "NO." "OH, I GOT..." "I'M..." "I'M SORRY." "I GOTTA SEND THAT BACK." "NO." "NO, NO, NO." "HERE YOU GO." "THANKS, MENSCH." "AND DID THEY TURN UP THE HEAT IN HERE OR WHAT?" "I AM STARTING TO SCHVITZ." " YEAH, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT ON TIME." " OH, YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT." " LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CHECK HERE." "OH." "OKAY, WELL," "LET ME JUST GET CLAUDE OVER HERE FOR A SECOND," "SEE IF I CAN'T JEW HIM DOWN ON THE CHECK." "[up-tempo jazz]" "♪ ♪" "HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" "YOU SEEM A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, QUIET." " NO, I'M FINE." " YEAH?" "YOU KNOW, ALISON, I, UM..." "I MEAN, I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE SAYING THIS..." "IT'S OUR FIRST DATE, BUT..." "I REALLY LIKE YOU." "YOU KNOW, SO IF I SEEM WEIRD OR AWKWARD OR..." "THAT'S WHY." "I JUST..." "I JUST HOPE" "THAT THIS IS THE FIRST DATE OF MANY MORE TO COME." "[song ends]" "OH, DAMN." "DAMN!" "NOBODY PLAYS JAZZ BETTER THAN THE SHVARTZES!" "[scattered gasps, applause dies]" "L'CHAIM!" "OKAY... [electric trimmer buzzing]" "AAH!" "UHH!" "COME ON." " HURRY UP!" " OKAY." "WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?" " SORRY, SORRY." "I AM ALL MANSCAPED." " MM." " TRIMMED TO 1/8 OF AN INCH, JUST HOW YOU LIKE IT." "LIKE A PREPUBESCENT BOY DOWN THERE." "IT'S SO EXCITING." "OH..." "OKAY..." "LOVE YOU." "GOOD NIGHT." "[sighs]" " WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "ARE WE GONNA TRY AND MAKE A BABY?" " IT'S JUST I'VE HAD SUCH A LONG DAY AT WORK," "AND DO YOU MIND IF WE JUST, YOU KNOW," "SKIP THE BABY-MAKING?" " NO, WE CAN'T SKIP IT." "IT'S MY MOST FERTILE TIME OF THE MONTH." " OKAY..." " NOW MAKE ME A BABY." " RIGHT." "GUESS I COULD FIND SOME ENERGY." "OOH." "[clears throat]" " WHY AREN'T YOU HARD?" "WHAT?" "IT WAS, LIKE, THREE SECONDS." " DO YOU WANT MY HAIR DOWN?" " NO, BABE, IT'S NOT..." "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME." "IT'S HIM!" "I MEAN, WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING" "AND ON YOUR LUNCH BREAK." "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA SAY THIS" "BUT I THINK THAT I'M SEXED OUT." "WHAT?" "WHAT?" " YOU THINK IT'S UGLY." " I..." "I THINK WHAT'S UGLY?" " IT'S OKAY." "IT'S FINE." "I SEE 100 OF 'EM A DAY." "I KNOW IT'S UGLY." " OH, NO, NO, I THINK..." "NO, I DON'T THINK" "THAT IT'S UGLY AT ALL." "I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL." " THEN WHY DON'T YOU EVER GO DOWN ON ME?" " BECAUSE I..." "I CAN'T GET YOU PREGNANT LIKE THAT." " OH, NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING EXCUSES!" " I AM NOT." "OKAY, FINE." "YOU WANT ME TO GO DOWN ON YOU?" "I'LL GO DOWN ON YOU." "I'M HAPPY TO GO DOWN ON YOU." " GOOD." "IT'S PART OF MY MANLY DUTY." " YES." " I LOVE IT." "MMM, YUMMY!" "I WANT IT." "[chuckles]" "HERE WE GO!" " GO!" " IT'S GONNA HAPPEN" " COME ON." "OH, MY GOD!" " WHAT?" " I KNEW IT!" " WHAT'S WRONG?" "I WAS GONNA MAKE A BABY WITH MY MOUTH." " OH!" " WHAT HAPPENED?" " YOU TURNED OFF THE LIGHT!" " I..." "WELL, IT WAS BRIGHT IN HERE." "AND WE WERE GOING TO BED." "AW, COME ON." "I'M SORRY." " OH, LEAVE ME AND MY UGLY VAGINA ALONE!" " OPEN THE DOOR." "[tries lock] [knocking] HONEY..." " OH, MY GOD..." "IT'S UGLY." " IT'S NOT YOUR VAGINA." "IT'S ALL VAGINAS." " WHAT SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS THIS FROM?" " HEY, YOU'VE REACHED ALISON MARKS." "YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO DO IT." "[beep]" " HEY, ALISON, IT'S AVI HERE." "JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I HAD A GREAT TIME" "WITH YOU LAST NIGHT," "AND I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN." "SO..." "YOU GOT THE NUMBER." "CALL ME." "BYE." " HEY, YOU'VE REACHED ALISON MARKS." "YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO." "DO IT." "[beep]" " HEY, ALISON," "WHERE'S MY JAP AT?" "WHERE'S MY JAP?" "[chuckles] AVI HERE." "DIDN'T HEAR BACK FROM YOU YESTERDAY." "BUT I'M SURE YOU WERE JUST BUSY." "ME TOO." "LONG DAY OF SURGERY AT THE HOSPITAL." "SO DRIVING HOME NOW." "THOUGHT I'D DOUBLE UP, GIVE YOU A CALL." "SO YOU GOT THE NUMBER." "CALL ME BACK." "BUH-BYE." " YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO DO IT." "[beep]" " HEY, ALISON, IT'S AVI." "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE NOT CALLING ME BACK." "I THOUGHT WE HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME THE OTHER NIGHT." "AND, YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT WE HAD A REAL CONNECTION." " BOSS!" "BOSS!" " I WAS HOPING THAT WE..." " WE NEED YOUR HELP." "ME AND JUAN HAVE BEEN AT MRS. WAZINSKY'S ALL DAY!" " BOSS, WE CAN'T GET THE SHIT OUT OF HER PIPES!" " YES." "SI." " THANK YOU, DOCTORS JUAN AND RAMONE." " HUH?" "I WILL BE TO SURGERY IN JUST A SECOND." " SURGERY?" " BOSS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS LADY ATE," "BUT I NEVER SEEN SO MUCH CRAP" "BACKED UP IN MY LIFE!" "[phone line clicks]" " AVI?" " ALISON, HI." " DO YOU WANT ME TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER?" "STOP CALLING ME." "[hangs up]" " [gasps] OH..." "LOOK AT THIS ONE." "ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?" " OH, GOD!" "A LITTLE WARNING, PLEASE?" "WHAT IS THAT, A BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTO?" " YES." "ISN'T IT AMAZING?" " NO." " IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE IT'S THE SAME VAGINA." "WHICH ONE'S YOUR FAVORITE?" " I DON'T KNOW." " YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GONNA HAVE TO LOOK AT IT" "FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." "SO COME ON, PICK." " OOH, YEAH." "DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE?" " UM..." "MAYBE THE, UH..." ""PEARBLOSSOM"?" "OR THE..."GENTLE TULIP."" " REALLY, HONEY?" " YEAH." "YOU LIKE THE PEARBLOSSOM?" " MM-HMM." " WELL, THAT'S THE CHEAPEST ONE." "THERE'S NOTHING TO IT." "[cell phone rings]" " OH, HOLD ON." "[sighs sharply]" "HELLO?" "ALL RIGHT, RELAX, RELAX." "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "NO, I CAN'T MEET YOU RIGHT NOW." "I'M..." "I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING." "RELAX AND..." "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "YES, I CAN." "YES, I CAN." "OKAY, I'LL MEET YOU IN 20 MINUTES." "ALL RIGHT, BABE." "I'M SO SORRY." "I..." "I HAVE TO GO." " WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO?" " A FRIEND HAS AN EMERGENCY," "AND I GOTTA GO MEET HIM." " WHO?" "WHAT FRIEND?" " HE'S A FRIEND FROM GRADE SCHOOL..." "I GOTTA GO." " YOU CAN'T LEAVE." " WHY CAN'T I LEAVE?" " I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE TO GET!" " JUST GET ONE OF 'EM!" "RIGHT?" "I MEAN, LIKE, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL." " IT'S A BIG DEAL." "THIS IS FOR YOU." " I UNDERSTAND." "IT'S NOT THAT HARD." "JUST GO THROUGH IT." "THE "GENTLE TULIP."" ""MIDNIGHT RAIN."" " I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE." " "CALLA LILY BREEZE." "LA PETITE CANYON."" "OOH, STAY AWAY FROM "VENUS FLYTRAP."" "THAT LOOKS LIKE A..." "LIKE A LIMP STARFISH," "AND I DON'T WANT TO BE LOOKING AT THAT" "WHEN I'M DOING WONDERFUL THINGS TO IT." "MWAH!" "I LOVE YOU." "OKAY." "PICK WHATEVER YOU WANT." "ANY PRICE." "KISSES." " OH..." "LOOKS LIKE MY MOM'S." " WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, SHE SAID, "STOP CALLING ME?"" " NO, NO, NO, SHE SAID, "IF YOU CALL ME AGAIN," "I'M GONNA GET A RESTRAINING ORDER."" " IT TAKES A SPECIAL KIND OF WOMAN" "TO DANCE NAKED AT 10:00 A.M." "GIVE IT UP FOR CRYSTAL." " OKAY, WHEN YOU SAT DOWN AT THE RESTAURANT," "DID YOU COMPLAIN THERE WAS A DRAFT AND ASK..." " WE MOVED THREE TIMES!" " DID YOU TALK TO HER AND TELL THEM" "TO TURN DOWN THE LOUD MUSIC?" " AND TURN THE LIGHTS UP." "YES." " AND YOU TOOK SOMETHING ON THE MENU" "AND ALTERED IT BEYOND RECOGNITION?" " I CHANGED EVERYTHING." "I PUT SALMON ON IT." "I SENT IT BACK." "JEWEL, CARLA..." "LAP DANCES." "[groans]" "I DID EVERYTHING THAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO." "WHAT WENT WRONG?" " DID YOU THROW IN SOME YIDDISH?" " YEAH, YEAH, YEAH." "I TOLD HER THAT" "MY PUPIK WAS STUFFED FROM THE NOSHING," "AND THAT I WAS SCHVITZING." "THEN I TOLD SMOKEY JOE JEFFERSON NOBODY PLAYS JAZZ" "BETTER THAN THE SCHVARTZAHS." " WHAT?" "YOU..." "YOU CALLED HIM A SCHVARTZAH?" " YEAH, RIGHT TO HIS FACE." " NO." " WAIT, IS THAT BAD?" " YEAH, THAT'S BAD!" " WHY DID YOU TEACH ME THAT." " OKAY, I'M SORRY." "THAT'S ONLY A JEW-TO-JEW THING," "NOT A JEW-TO-THEM THING." "WHAT THE HELL ELSE DID YOU SAY?" " I SAID THAT SHE WAS THE PRETTIEST JAP" "THAT I'D EVER MET, AND THAT SHE HAD" "THE CUTEST LITTLE JEW BEAK I'D EVER SEEN." "AND I ASKED THE WAITER IF I COULD" "JEW HIM DOWN ON THE CHECK." " DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND GOOD?" " WAIT, I USED TO SAY THAT KIND OF STUFF" "TO REBECCA OGIN ALL THE TIME." "SHE ALWAYS LAUGHED." " YEAH, BUT SHE KNEW THAT YOU WERE JOKING..." "THAT'S DIFFERENT." " JEWS DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT?" " NO!" "NO!" "WE DON'T!" " OH..." " IT'S OVER." "IT'S DONE, ALL RIGHT?" " NO, IT'S NOT DONE." "YOU GOT ME IN THIS, YOU'RE GONNA GET ME OUT OF IT." " NO, I'M OUT." " YOU ARE IN." " I'M OUT." " YOU ARE IN." " OH..." " OH, YOU ARE IN." "YES." " SON OF A BITCH." " MARCY MARKS..." "PRESIDENT OF TEMPLE BETH JACOB" "WIFE OF MY RABBI, AND ALISON'S MOTHER." "SHE WAS ALSO THE PRINCIPAL OF MY HEBREW SCHOOL." "FROM WHAT I KNOW, NO MAN HAS EVER" "BEEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALISON." "BUT IF YOU CAN GET THAT WOMAN'S SEAL OF APPROVAL," "YOU MIGHT HAVE A SECOND CHANCE." "I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT DAY I MET HER." "[school bell rings]" "NEED SOME HELP?" "[stomps foot]" " YOU TOUCH MY DAUGHTER," "AND I'LL WEAR YOUR BALLS AS EARRINGS." " [groaning hysterically]" " [speaking Spanish]" "BOOM!" " OW." "[both speak Spanish]" "[camera shutter clicks]" "[camera shutter clicking repeatedly]" " [gasps]" "[gasps] [camera shutter clicks repeatedly] [lively spy music]" "♪ ♪" " THEY'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME." "SCHLOMY AND I DON'T STAND A CHANCE." "HONEY WOULD YOU GRAB MY STUFF BACK THERE?" " YES, YES." " THANKS." "I'M TELLING YOU THE FLEISCHMANS ARE UNBEATABLE." "YES." "GOOD-BYE." "OH, HONEY, HAVE YOU TRIED THIS CARAMEL APPLE SKIM CAPPUCCINO?" "IT IS TO DIE FOR." " FLEISCH..." "MAN." " I WANT TO GET ME ONE OF THOSE" "CARAMEL APPLE SKIM CAPPUCCINOS." " AH." " MOM, I'M FINE." "THE EARTHQUAKE WAS ALL THE WAY IN DEATH VALLEY." "I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES." " WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SOUND SICK?" "I'M NOT SICK." " WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SOUND SICK?" "I'M NOT SICK." "YES, IF YOU SEND ME MULTIVITAMINS," "I WILL TAKE THEM." " GOOD." "GOOD." "NOW TELL ME YOU LOVE ME." " HUH?" " EVERY TIME WE GET OFF THE PHONE WITH EACH OTHER," "WE HAVE TO SAY "I LOVE YOU."" " YOU'RE KIDDING." " NO, I'M NOT KIDDING." "JUST DO IT!" " I LOVE YOU, MOM." " PERFECT." "I'LL CALL YOU IN TWO MINUTES." " OKAY, BYE." "SORRY, THAT WAS MY MOM." " DR. AVI ROSENBERG, MAY WE PLEASE NOW CONTINUE" "WITH THE INTERVIEW?" " OH, YES, PLEASE." "DO YOU LIKE CAPPUCCINO?" "BECAUSE I WAS JUST AT HANDLEBAR COFFEE," "AND THEY SCREWED UP MY ORDER." "I LIKE CARAMEL APPLE CAPPUCCINO." "THEY GAVE ME A CARAMEL APPLE SKIM CAPPUCCINO." " HMM." "SURE, WHY NOT?" " [chuckles] GREAT." " OKAY, YOU ARE SINGLE, 31 YEARS OLD," "UNMARRIED, NO CHILDREN." "ARE YOU GAY?" "...N-NO." "WHY?" " WELL, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED?" "OH, BELIEVE ME, MRS. MARKS THERE IS NOTHING" "THAT I WOULD LIKE MORE THAN TO FIND" "A SPECIAL YOUNG LADY" "WHO SHARES MY VALUES AND MY BELIEFS." "AS A MATTER OF FACT, JUST A COUPLE WEEKS AGO," "I WAS HERE AT THE MIXER." "I MET A WONDERFUL GIRL." "WE WENT OUT." "WE HAD A WONDERFUL FIRST DATE." "I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN." " YES, WELL, FINDING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE" "IS NEVER EASY, DOCTOR." " AND ESPECIALLY FOR ME." "I JUST, YOU KNOW, MOVED HERE FROM SKOKIE," "AND I'M BUSY WITH MY PRACTICE, OF COURSE, [cell phone tune plays]" "AND VOLUNTEERING FOR HADASSAH LIKE I DO..." "I'M SORRY." "EXCUSE ME." "YES, MOM?" " COLONOSCOPY." " YES, I HAD MY COLONOSCOPY." " FIBER." " I DO GET PLENTY OF FIBER." "MOM, I'M SORRY BUT I HAVE TO GO, OKAY?" "I DO." "I LOVE YOU." "[giggles]" "I LOVE THE WAY YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING," "AND YOU'RE JUST ALWAYS SO FRESH AND BUBBLY." "AND THEN THE SUNLIGHT COMES..." " TOO MUCH!" "TOO MUCH!" " OKAY, I'M GONNA HANG UP." "BYE." "OKAY, SORRY." "THAT WAS MY MOM AGAIN." " I MUST SAY THAT I FIND THIS VERY UNUSUAL." "THAT A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, SINGLE DOCTOR" "WOULD WALK IN HERE BY HIMSELF" "WANTING TO JOIN THIS TEMPLE." "NOW, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON?" "MRS. MARKS, DID YOU KNOW THAT IN THE LAST 20 YEARS," "THE RATE OF INTER-FAITH MARRIAGE AMONG OUR PEOPLE" "HAS RISEN FROM 7% TO 40%?" "ACCORDING TO THE AJC, BY THE YEAR 2050," "OUR PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE COMPLETELY WIPED OUT." "NOW, I'M JUST ONE MAN." "I CAN'T STOP IT MYSELF." "BUT I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE ON THE SIDELINES" "AND WATCH IT HAPPEN." "THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON." "HA." "[knocking]" "ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE." "[knocking]" "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." " SO YOU'RE IN." " OH, YEAH, I'M IN." "SHE'S PUTTY." "STILL GOING DOWN SATURDAY, RIGHT?" " THAT'S THE PLAN." "YOU MASTER DUPLICATE BRIDGE YET?" " AND RUBBER." "THAT SHIT REEKS." "YOU GUYS REALLY EAT THAT?" " GEFILTE FISH IS MANDATORY." "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT IT IN THIS DRAWER." "DON'T TAKE IT OUT TILL SATURDAY." " UGH." " SO GOOD TO SEE YOU." "THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM OVER THERE." "YOU GUYS, I WANT YOU TO KEEP EYES FORWARD" "AND PAY ATTENTION." "UNDERSTAND?" " MARCY." " AVI!" "WHAT A NICE SURPRISE." " SURPRISE?" "I'M A NEW MEMBER HERE." "YOU THINK I'M GONNA MISS" "MY FIRST SATURDAY MORNING SERVICE?" " GREAT TO HAVE YOU." " THANK YOU." "THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL PURSE." " ARIANNE TUNNEY." "WINTER, 2012." " REALLY?" " I COVETED THIS BAG, AND I GOT IT." "[sniffs]" " [chuckles]" " THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS" "THAT JUST..." " WISH ME LUCK, LOLLYPOP." " HONEY, HONEY, YOU ARE GONNA NEED IT." "OH, TODAY WE HAVE A DOUBLE BAR MITZVAH." " OY." " THIS IS OUR NEWEST MEMBER" "I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT, AVI." " HI, I'M AVI ROSENBERG." " WELCOME TO BETH JACOB, AVI." " THANK YOU, RABBI." " HAS MARCY WARNED YOU ABOUT OUR LITTLE PENIS CLUB?" " OH, NO..." "UH, PENIS CLUB?" " 18 YEARS AGO, A BOY NAMED ADAM LIPSCHITZ" "HAD A PANIC ATTACK DURING HIS BAR MITZVAH..." "DROPPED HIS TROUSERS," "AND EXPOSED HIMSELF TO THE CONGREGATION." " THAT'S MESSED UP." " OH, IT IS MESSED UP, AVI." "WHAT'S EVEN MORE MESSED UP IS THAT TO THIS DAY," "ADAM'S LEWD ACT HAS BECOME THE RITE OF PASSAGE" "FOR EVERY BOY WHO'S HAD HIS BAR MITZVAH AT OUR TEMPLE." "IN FACT, THERE HASN'T BEEN A BAR MITZVAH BOY SINCE 1993" "WHO HASN'T SHOWN HIS PENIS TO THE ENTIRE CONGREGATION." "I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING." "THEY WON'T STOP." "I'VE SEEN THE PENISES OF 459 YOUNG BOYS." "SO UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY INTO SCHLONGS, AVI," "THIS AIN'T THE TEMPLE FOR YOU." " HE GETS EXCITED." "AVI, SCHLOMY AND I ARE SO EMBARRASSED THAT," "ON YOUR VERY FIRST SATURDAY MORNING SERVICE WITH US," "YOU HAD TO SEE..." "GENITALS." "AND WE SINCERELY HOPE THAT THE FACT THAT OUR TEMPLE" "HAS A PENIS CLUB WON'T MAKE YOU CONSIDER" "JOINING ELSEWHERE." " NOT AT ALL, NOT AT ALL." "WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE YOUNG MAN" "WHO STARTED IT ALL?" "ADAM... all:" "LIPSCHITZ." "I HOPE I DON'T RUN INTO HIM." " YES, DON'T WE ALL." " I'VE SEEN ENOUGH." " WHAT A FREAK." " EXCUSE ME, RABBI, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FISH?" " OH, YES, THANK YOU, UH, HYMAN." " THANK YOU." " MM-HMM." " OY!" "WOW." "I HAVE TO SAY, OUR PEOPLE HAVE INVENTED" "A LOT OF LOUSY FOOD, BUT GEFILTE FISH" "MIGHT BE THE WORST." "[laughter]" "MY ADVICE IS TO GET IT OVER WITH AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE." "TWO BITES." "WHAM, BAM..." "DONE!" "AH." "AHH!" "[stomach churning] [loud splatter]" " SCHLOMY, HONEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" " GO AWAY!" " DAMN IT, SCHLOMO," "I AM COMING IN THERE." " NO, YOU DON'T WANNA SEE THIS!" "IT'LL CHANGE YOU." "IT CHANGED ME." "I'M SHITTING... [indistinct under bathroom sounds]" "OH, MARCY, I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOU, CUPCAKE," "BUT I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO BOW OUT OF THE TOURNAMENT." " NO!" "NO!" "NO, NO, NO, SCHLOMO." "YOU ARE NOT DOING ANY SUCH THING." "NOW, THIS IS THE FINALS!" "IF WE HAVE TO TAKE SOME SORT OF SLOP BUCKET," "THEN SO BE IT." " I'M SORRY, LOLLYPOP." "WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER YEAR" "TO BEAT THOSE DAMN FLEISCHMANS." " DARN IT." "WHAT TOURNAMENT?" " WHAT TOURNAMENT?" "IT IS THE N.B.L.A. REGIONALS." "WE ARE IN THE FINALS." "IT STARTS IN THREE HOURS." " OH." " BUT..." "WELL..." "I GUESS THAT I WON'T BE GOING THIS YEAR." " I PLAY BRIDGE." "[flatulence inside]" " DEAR GOD, ALL I DO IS HELP YOU!" " I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR TAKING PART" "IN WHAT IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST SPORTING EVENT..." "DUPLICATE BRIDGE!" " ♪ STAND UP, FEEL THE SUN ♪" "♪ YOU KNOW YOUR TIME HAS COME ♪" "♪ ALL OR NONE, IT'S TIME TO FEEL ALIVE ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ SO HERE IS DESTINY ♪" "♪ TO CLAIM YOUR VICTORY ♪" " GIMME A 4 OF DIAMONDS." " 4 OF DIAMONDS." " GIVE ME AN 8 OF CLUBS." " THE 8 OF CLUBS." " GIVE ME AN ACE OF SPADES." " ACE OF SPADES." " AND WHAT DOES THAT SPELL, AVI?" " BRIDGE, BITCHES!" " HOO-YEAH!" " BOO-YEAH!" " ♪ YOU GOT IT, WALK AWAY ♪ [vocalizing]" "♪ STACK 'EM UP AND HEAR... ♪" " JACK TRUMP, IN YO FACE!" " WE HAVE A TWO-WAY TIE." " THAT MEANS..." " SUDDEN DEATH!" " YES!" " OH, YEAH!" "OH, YEAH!" "OH, YEAH!" " YOU'VE ALL BEEN BRIEFED ON THE RULES." "THREE BOARDS." "TWO OUT OF THREE WINS." "LET'S KEEP IT CLEAN." "BEGIN!" "[cheers and applause." " ♪ ON YOUR MARK, GET READY, HERE WE GO, IT'S TIME TO PLAY ♪" "♪ IT'S A BATTLE, BATTLE, YOU HAD BETTER WALK AWAY ♪ [vocalizing]" " YES!" " ROSENBERG/MARKS LEAD 1-0." " THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT A LITTLE BIT." " JUST PAY NO ATTENTION TO THEM." "I'VE BEEN PLAYING WITH THEM FOR YEARS." "IT'S DISTURBING." "[audience groans]" " OOOOH!" "OH!" "OH!" "[applause]" " WE CAN DO THIS, RIGHT?" " TRUST ME." " IT'S OVER." " TRUMP!" "WHAT!" " OH!" " TRUMP, BABY!" "IT'S CALLED TRUMP!" "IT'S CALLED TRUMP!" " I CAN'T BELIEVE IT." "YOU DID IT!" " WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!" "[shouts and applause]" " OH, MY GOD!" "FINALLY!" " WHO'S THE BIG WINNERS OVER HERE?" "WHO BEAT THE FLEISCHMANS?" "I BEAT THE FLEISCHMANS." "WE BEAT THE FLEISCHMANS!" "WE BEAT THE FLEISCHMANS." " YOU!" "YOU DID IT!" "YOU DID IT." "OH, YOU ARE AMAZING." "YOU ARE TOTALLY..." " WE DID IT." "WE DID IT." "YEAH." "WHO WANTS AN AUTOGRAPH?" " OH, HONEY." "HONEY, DID YOU SEE US?" "OH..." " ALISON." " AVI." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" " WAIT, YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?" " YEAH, WELL..." "YEAH." "THIS IS THE GIRL I TOLD YOU ABOUT." "WE WENT ON A DATE," "SHE NEVER CALLED ME BACK." "HOW DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?" " THAT'S MY DAUGHTER." " WHAT?" "YOUR DAUGHTER?" " UH, MOM," "CAN I TALK TO YOU JUST FOR A SECOND?" "UM, I..." "I MET THAT GUY AT YOUR LAST MIXER." "WE WENT ON A DATE, AND HE ENDED UP BEING" "ONE OF THE STRANGEST GUYS I'VE EVER MET." " HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY THAT?" "I THINK HE IS WONDERFUL." " HE ASKED OUR WAITER IF HE COULD" "JEW HIM DOWN ON THE CHECK." "AND THEN HE SAID THAT I HAD A CUTE LITTLE JEW-BEAK." " OH." "[laughing]" "OH, I'M SURE THAT HE WAS JUST JOKING." "HE'S VERY FUNNY." " REALLY?" "OKAY, WELL, THEN WE WENT TO A JAZZ CLUB," "AND HE STOOD UP IN FRONT OF EVERYONE" "AND SAID THAT SMOKEY JOE JEFFERSON WAS A SCHVARTZAH." " WELL, HE IS ONE, ISN'T HE?" " HE IS A PSYCHO!" "I MEAN, ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT HE'S, LIKE, STALKING ME?" " OH, PLEASE." "NOW COME ON." "I MEAN, THE MAN IS A DOCTOR." "IT'S NOT LIKE HE HAS TIME TO STALK." "NO, OBVIOUSLY THIS IS SOME SORT OF CRAZY COINCIDENCE" "THAT, YOU KNOW, IT'S..." "NOW WAIT A MINUTE." "A..." "ACTUALLY, I..." "I DON'T... [sighs]" "I DON'T THINK THAT THIS IS A COINCIDENCE AT ALL." "NO, I THINK THAT THIS JUST MIGHT BE FATE" "TRYING TO GET YOU TWO TOGETHER." " WOW." "[laughing]" "I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU LIKE THIS." " ALL RIGHT, ALISON, DARLING, LISTEN TO ME." "YOU ARE 27 YEARS OLD." "AND HAVE I EVER TRIED TO SET YOU UP WITH ANYONE?" "NO!" "AND WHY IS THAT?" "BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER FELT THAT ANYONE WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU." "UNTIL NOW." "MM, MM, MM." "[string orchestra playing Bridal March]" "♪ ♪" " WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " WHAT?" " I TOLD YOU TO LET ME GET TO THE ALTAR," "LOOK AT ME FOR 15 SECONDS, LET THE TENSION BUILD," "AND THEN SLOWLY PULL MY VEIL BACK." "AND WHERE IS THE RABBI?" "CAN SOMEBODY GET HIM OFF THE SHITTER?" " OKAY, FINE." "WHATEVER." "LET'S JUST KEEP GOING." " NO, WE CAN'T KEEP GOING." "WE HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT TILL WE GET IT RIGHT." " ADAM, YOUR TIMING WAS WAY OFF." "I CLOCKED YOU PULLING BACK THE VEIL AFTER FOUR SECONDS." " YEAH, THAT'S THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS." "YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TEARS IN YOUR EYES" "WHEN YOU LIFTED UP THE VEIL." " IT'S A REHEARSAL!" " WHO CARES IF IT'S A REHEARSAL?" "DON'T YOU LOVE MY DAUGHTER SO MUCH THAT YOU TEAR UP" "EVERY TIME YOU SEE HER?" " I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE BEING SO INSENSITIVE." " DON'T YOU KNOW" "THAT SHE IS STILL RECOVERING FROM HER SURGERY?" " OH, BY THE WAY, HANNAH, HOW'S YOUR NEW VAG?" " JILL!" "STOP TALKING ABOUT HANNAH'S VAGINA." " [sighs]" " LESS UGLY?" " DENNIS!" " DAD!" " WHAT?" " POOKIE-POO?" "THE DANIELS ARE RIGHT." "YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE THIS A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY" "BECAUSE WE ONLY HAVE THREE MORE REHEARSALS LEFT" "TILL THE WEDDING." " MEGAN, SWEETIE, YOUR PEDAL THROWING'S GOT" "A LITTLE BIT SLOPPY AND UNFOCUSED." "REMEMBER, IT'S THREE PETALS PER STEP." "SCREW IT UP AGAIN AND YOU'RE BOTH OUT." "[kids crying]" "OKAY, SO LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE POEMS." " WHAT?" "THE POEMS?" " YEAH." " OH, HONEY." "YOU WANNA DO THAT NOW?" "I THOUGHT THAT WAS GONNA BE A SURPRISE FOR THE WEDDING DAY." " IT'S GOING TO BE A SURPRISE FOR THE GUESTS," "BUT I NEED TO SEE YOUR PERFORMANCE" "SO I CAN GIVE YOU NOTES." " OKAY!" "[clears throat]" ""HANNAH."" " YES." " "THE DAY I MET YOU IT WAS LIKE A DREAM," ""EVEN MORE THRILLING THAN MY FATHER'S NEW EMBROIDERY MACHINE." " FINE." " FINE." " "MY FEELINGS TOWARD YOU ARE SO EXTREME" ""THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M WITH YOU" ""I JUST..." "I JUST WANNA S... [makes funny noise]" "SCREAM."" " WHAT GRADE IS HE IN?" " "THE THOUGHT OF BEING WITHOUT YOU" ""WORDS CAN'T EXPLAIN." ""IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON INSIDE..." "MY BR..." [strained groan]" "AH!" " BRAIN." "BRAIN!" " "BRAIN." ""I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SPEND" "THE REST OF MY YEARS WITH YOU."" " GOOD." " "AND IN JUST A FEW MINUTES..." ""I'M GOING TO SAY THE WORDS..." ""'I..." "[strained groan] [pained grunt]" "I..." "I'M GONNA SAY THE WORDS 'I..."" "[strained groan]" " WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN." " WHAT?" " AGAIN?" " I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN." " OH, GOD, FINALLY HE SAID SOMETHING TRUE." " WHAT!" " I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" " [scoffs]" " I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" " ADAM!" " I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN!" " [grunts]" " ADAM!" " THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO REHEARSE!" "WHAT THE FUCK!" "[sensual music playing]" " I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS SO WRONG ABOUT YOU." "WHY DOES MY MOTHER HAVE TO BE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING?" " YOU KNOW MOTHERS." " MM." " WAIT, WAIT." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?" " NO, NO." "I THINK WE SHOULD..." "I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE IT SLOW." " YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?" " NO, NO, BECAUSE, UM..." "SEX, YOU KNOW, HAS A WAY OF COMPLICATING THINGS," "AND I WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU." "I WANNA GET TO KNOW THE REAL YOU." " I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SAYING THIS." "I'VE NEVER MET A GUY WHO WANTED TO WAIT." "THAT IS SO..." "HOT." " OH, SHIT." "[cell phone ringing]" "THAT'S MY PHONE." "HOLD ON, HOLD ON." "ADAM!" "WHAT ARE YOU DO..." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?" "I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU ALL WEEK." "I HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM YOU." "WHAT'S THE MAT..." "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT." "HANNAH?" " WHO'S HANNAH?" " SO THEN I SAW YOUR COMMERCIAL." "SO I WENT TO THE PALACE" "AND WE'VE BEEN HANGING OUT EVER SINCE." " HE NEVER SAID A WORD TO US ABOUT THIS." " GOD FORBID HE SHOULD TELL US ANYTHING." " HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HIM AT ALL IN THE LAST WEEK?" " NO, NO." "I'VE BEEN CALLING HIM TOO." "HE HASN'T RETURNED ANY OF MY CALLS." " [gasps]" "WHAT IF HE WAS RAPED AND MURDERED" "BY THE HOMELESS METH HEADS?" " WHAT IF HE WAS BLOWN BY A VAMPIRE?" " DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HANNAH, ABOUT THE WEDDING?" " NO, NOTHING." "I..." "I..." " DADDY!" " YOU KNOW WHAT?" "HE PROBABLY JUST GOT COLD FEET." "I DISAPPEARED FOR SIX MONTHS BEFORE MY WEDDING, RIGHT, HONEY?" " UH, THAT WAS ME." " [gasps] THAT'S RIGHT, IT WAS..." " HOW ARE YOU A DOCTOR?" " OH, MY GOD!" "HE'S GONE FOREVER, AND I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE A BABY!" "OH, GOD!" " I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE A GRANDCHILD." " [crying, muttering]" " GOD DAMN IT, DO SOMETHING, BRUCE!" " [sobbing]" "NO!" " [murmuring]" "I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN." " HELLO?" " I'M NOT READY TO BE A MAN." " ADAM?" " [growls] - [screams]" " NOW THE DOCTORS AT THE HOSPITAL" "REFERRED YOU TO SERENITY HILLS" "BECAUSE THEY FELT THAT ADAM REQUIRED" "A MORE INTENSE, HANDS-ON ENVIRONMENT FOR HIS CONDITION." " HIS CONDITION?" " OH, ADAM IS SUFFERING FROM A SEVERE CASE" "OF POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER." " [gasps]" " OH." " WHAT THE..." " I DIDN'T DO IT." " I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND" "WHAT COULD'VE CAUSED ALL THIS." " NOT AGAIN." " [whispering] AND YOUR FAULT." " SHH!" " HONEY, YOU CAN STILL CHANGE YOUR MIND." " [muttering]" "WHAT THE..." "[yelling]" " SEEMS FINE TO ME." " [giggling]" " GET HIM!" " POOKIE!" " RUN!" "GET HIM!" " GET BACK HERE!" " IN CASE LIKE ADAM'S, WHO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF PANIC ATTACKS," "IT'S NOT UNCOMMON THAT HE WOULD REACH" "WHAT WE REFER TO AS THE "HA," OR THE HYPERAROUSED STATE." "[water splashing]" " [gasps] OH." " WHAT WE ARE WATCHING" "IS ADAM ATTEMPTING TO ISOLATE AND DETACH FROM HIS FEELINGS," "THUS CREATING WHAT WE CALL EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT," "OR NUMB NUTS..." "NUMBNESS..." "NUMBING." "SORRY." "NOW, OVER THE NEXT 21 DAYS," "WE ARE GOING TO BE IMPLEMENTING" "A SERIES OF THERAPIES AND TREATMENTS." " 21 DAYS." "NO, NO, NO." "THAT IS JULY 2ND." "JULY 2ND MY WEDDING." " WE GOTTA GET HIM OUTTA HERE QUICKER THAN THAT." "I GOT 200 GRAND IN DEPOSITS." "DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, AN EXPRESS SERVICE?" " EXPRESS SERVICE?" " THIS IS OUR ONLY SON YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." " WHOA!" " WE'RE NOT PUTTING HIM ON SOME EXPRESS SERVICE!" " WHOA!" "WHOA!" " UGH!" "[all shouting]" " RELAX, BREATHE." "WE NEED 21 DAYS, AND IF YOU CANNOT GIVE US THAT," "THEN GET HIM OUTTA HERE!" " NO!" " WE COULD GO SWIMMING." "I DON'T KNOW." " NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO CRY." "IT'S GONNA BE OKAY." "LOOK, HE LOOKS BETTER ALREADY." " IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THAT DOLPHIN LOOK LIKE HANNAH?" " HE NEVER DID THAT WITH ME, EVER!" "[overlapping shouting, Adam grunting]" " FUCK YOU, ADAM!" " FUCK YOU!" "TV host:" "JOHNNY WILLIAMS, COME ON DOWN!" " OH, GOSH, I DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN THIS SINCE I WAS A KID." "WOW." "IT'S AMAZING THEY CAN STILL FIND HUMANS" "WHO WILL ACTUALLY APPEAR ON THIS SHOW." "I'M SALA KHAN." "I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO BE YOUR PRIMARY COUNSELOR." "LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANNA TALK, IT'S NO PROBLEM." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK." "THESE THINGS TAKE TIME." "AND I'VE GOT ALL THE TIME YOU NEED." "TV host:" "ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME PACO?" "man:" "OKAY, LET'S DO IT." "TV host:" "LET'S WALK OUT." "[laughing] AND GIVE IT A DROP." "man:" "OKAY, ALL RIGHT." "HERE IT GOES." "TV host:" "A LITTLE TEA TIME." " WHY IS THAT ONLY FAT PEOPLE MAKE IT INTO THE SHOWDOWN?" "FINE." "YOU KNOW, YOU WANNA SIT THERE LIKE A VEGETABLE ALL DAY" "AND PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T HEAR ME," "THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD." "BUT MY JOB IS TO MAKE YOU WELL AGAIN" "BY HAVING YOU FACE THE TRAUMATIC EVENTS" "THAT HAVE FORCED YOU INTO THIS STATE." "SO..." "UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING TO TURN OFF THE TV AND DO THAT," "THEN I WOULD SAVE THE 2,500 A DAY YOU'RE SPENDING HERE" "AND GO CHECK YOURSELF INTO A HOTEL." "[cheers and applause, bell ringing on TV]" "SUIT YOURSELF." "YOU STARE ALL YOU LIKE, LITTLE MAN." " WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" " MM, SO ANYWAY, THE MOYIL SLIPS," "A PIECE FALLS OFF, HITS ME IN THE PUNIM." "I BEEN COCKEYED EVER SINCE." "[all laughing]" " SO, AVI, ALISON TELLS ME YOU'RE FROM SKOKIE." " YEAH, YEAH." " YOU KNOW, AL AND I GREW UP IN GLENVIEW." " [coughs] SORRY." "EXCUSE ME." "OH, REALLY?" " YEAH, WE WERE PRACTICALLY NEIGHBORS." "YOUR FAMILY STILL THERE?" " NOPE." " WHERE'D THEY MOVE TO?" " THEY MOVED..." "TO HEAVEN." " OH..." "I'M SO SORRY." "WHEN DID THEY PASS?" " THEY, UM..." "THEY PASSED A FEW YEARS BACK." " CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT." " WELL, IT'S HARD TO TALK ABOUT IT." "IT'S VERY RAW." " WHY, WHAT HAPPENED?" " HUNTING ACCIDENT." " OY!" " HUNTING ACCIDENT?" "YOUR PAR..." " THEY GOT SHOT BY HUNTERS." " WHAT WERE YOUR PARENTS DOING WANDERING AROUND" "WHERE PEOPLE WERE HUNTING?" " THEY WEREN'T." "THEY WERE, UM..." "THE HUNTERS WERE HUNTING IN OUR BACKYARD." " WHAT WERE THE HUNTERS DOING IN YOUR BACKYARD?" " THEY HAD GOTTEN LOST AND, UH, WERE OFF TRACK." "AND, UH, MY PARENTS WERE WEARING THEIR BROWN ONESIES" "AND THE..." "[choking up]" "THE, UM..." "THE HUNTERS MISTOOK THEM FOR ELK." " ELK." " WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HUNTERS?" "WERE THEY ARRESTED?" " NO." "THEY ARE STILL AT LARGE." " YOU KNOW WHAT, AVI?" "THE POLICE IN SKOKIE'S AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE." "I'M CALLING HIM TOMORROW." "WE'LL SEE IF WE CAN'T HELP MOVE THINGS ALONG." " HUH." "FORGIVE ME, BUT WEREN'T YOU ON THE PHONE WITH YOUR..." " CAN WE..." "CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?" " OF COURSE." " I WAS WATCHING TV LAST NIGHT." "UM, TEN COMMANDMENTS." "CHARLETON HESTON." "WHAT AN ACTOR." " NOT JEWISH, YOU KNOW." " WHO ISN'T?" " SO I'M..." "I'M UP THERE AND WE'RE REHEARSING THESE..." "THESE POEMS THAT WE HAD WRITTEN FOR EACH OTHER." "AND..." "AND RIGHT AT THE PART WHERE I'M ABOUT TO SAY "I DO"" "I JUST..." "I JUST CRACKED." " GOOD, ADAM." "DO YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU WERE FEELING" "IN THAT VERY MOMENT?" " NO." "I MEAN, I..." "I JUST..." "FOR A SPLIT SECOND, I SAW MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH HANNAH" "FLASH BEFORE MY EYES." " AND WHY DID THAT SCARE YOU?" " PROBABLY BECAUSE I..." "I DON'T THINK SHE'S RIGHT FOR ME." " SO THEN WHY ARE YOU MARRYING HER?" " I DON'T KNOW." " YOU'RE AVOIDING THE QUESTION, ADAM." "I THINK YOU DO KNOW." "NOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO" "IS TRY TO PINPOINT THE EXACT MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE" "WHERE THIS PRESSURE YOU'RE FEELING ORIGINATED." " [laughs]" "I WAS 12 YEARS OLD." " STOP STARING AT HER, ADAM." "THAT IS RUDE!" " YOU CUTE." "YOU STARE ALL YOU LIKE, LITTLE MAN." " YOU ARE NOT, AND YOU WILL NEVER BE," "HER LITTLE MAN." " WHY CAN'T I BE HER LITTLE MAN?" " BECAUSE SHE'S NOT JEWISH." " SO I CAN'T BE WITH A GIRL WHO'S NOT JEWISH?" " THAT'S RIGHT." " WHY?" " BECAUSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY" "TO PERPETUATE OUR RELIGION." " WHY?" " BECAUSE 6 MILLION OF OUR ANCESTORS DIED" "AND WE OWE IT TO THEM." " WHY?" " BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD!" " SO WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?" " BECAUSE YOU'RE JEWISH!" "THE FATE OF OUR ENTIRE RELIGION DEPENDS ON YOU!" "[echoing]" " IT DEPENDS ON ME!" "IT DEPENDS ON ME!" " IT'S ALL RIGHT." " IT ALL DEPENDS ON ME!" " IT'S ALL RIGHT." "IT'S ALL RIGHT, ADAM." " ROSH HASHANAH." "OH, GOD!" "OH, GOD, BAR MITZVAHS!" "OH, GOD!" " ADAM, THAT WAS REALLY GOOD." "REALLY GOOD!" "I'M HERE." " HEY, BOSS, CAN I GET THE CRESCENT WRENCH?" " [panting] YEAH, HERE." " AH, GRACIAS." "YOU HAVE SOFT HANDS." "UGH." "HEY, BOSS, YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME WE WENT TO... [cell phone ringing]" " SHH, SHH, SHH!" "DON'T SAY A WORD." "HEY, HEY, BEAUTIFUL." "HOW YOU DOING?" " JUST WORKING." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " OH, NOTHING, YOU KNOW." "JUST HERE AT THE HOSPITAL." "CHECKING IN ON PATIENTS, PATIENTS, PATIENTS." "WHAT'S UP, BABY?" " WELL, I JUST SPOKE TO MY DAD," "AND HE TALKED TO THE CHIEF OF POLICE IN SKOKIE." "AND THERE'S NO RECORD OF ANY ROSENBERGS" "BEING SHOT AND KILLED BY HUNTERS." " REALLY?" " YEAH." "IN FACT, THERE HASN'T BEEN A HUNTING-RELATED DEATH" "IN SKOKIE..." "EVER." "SO I WENT ONLINE TO RESEARCH IT, AND I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING." " ALISON, I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS," "BUT MY PARENTS..." "WERE IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM." "AND WHEN THEY WERE MURDERED, THE FBI DESTROYED THEIR RECORDS." " OYE, BOSS, TU ESTAS LOCO." " WHAT WERE THEY DOING IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM?" " JIMMY HOFFA?" " WHAT ABOUT JIMMY HOFFA?" " LOOK, I'VE SAID TOO MUCH ALREADY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" " AVI, I JUST FEEL LIKE YOU'RE HIDING THINGS FROM ME." "I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT FOR A MONTH," "AND YOU NEVER TELL ME THAT YOUR PARENTS WERE MURDERED" "BY ELK HUNTERS?" "AND NOW THEY'RE IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM?" "AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT," "I'M JUST STARTING TO WONDER IF YOU MIGHT BE..." "GAY." " WHA..." "GAY?" " GAY?" " WHOA, WHOA." "WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'M GAY?" " BECAUSE WHAT GUY GOES OUT WITH A GIRL FOR A WHOLE MONTH" "AND DOESN'T WANNA SLEEP WITH HER?" " I DO, I WANNA SLEEP WITH YOU." "I JUST..." "WANT IT TO BE SPECIAL." " EW." "THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT MY AUNT JUDY'S HUSBAND" "TOLD HER RIGHT BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED." "AND 20 YEARS AND TWO KIDS LATER," "SHE WALKS IN ON HIM TIED UP" "WITH A RUBBER BALL GAG IN HIS MOUTH," "BEING SODOMIZED BY A TRANSSEXUAL" "WHO IS DRESSED AS DOROTHY FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ!" "OKAY, AND I AM NOT GONNA TURN OUT LIKE MY AUNT JUDY." " O..." "[disposal running]" "OKAY, OKAY, OKAY." "LISTEN, WE WILL SLEEP TOGETHER." "I..." "LET'S DO THIS, BABY." " REALLY?" "DO YOU MEAN THAT?" " OH, YEAH." " WHEN?" "WHEN ARE WE GONNA HAVE SEX?" " RIGHT AFTER..." "I GET BACK FROM THE MEDICAL CONFERENCE IN DALLAS." " WHAT MEDICAL CONFERENCE IN DALLAS?" " REMEMBER I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT A COUPLE WEEKS AGO?" " [sighs] WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?" " LIKE, IN TWO HOURS." " YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU IN HELL," "MAYBE YOU AND TED BUNDY CAN BE ROOMMATES, CABRON." " YOU KNOW, BRUCE, I'M LOOKING AT A BILL HERE" "FOR $42,765, AND CONSIDERING WE SAID" "WE'D SPLIT ALL THE WEDDING EXPENSES," "WE NEED TO GO HALFSIES." " YEAH." " HOW IS YOUR SON GOING CRAZY A WEDDING EXPENSE?" " WELL, IT HAPPENED DURING A WEDDING REHEARSAL," "SO I THINK THE CASE COULD BE MADE IN A COURT OF LAW," "THIS IS A WEDDING EXPENSE." " NICE TRY, NICE TRY." "HE'S GOT A WELL-DOCUMENTED PRE-EXISTING CONDITION." "THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL WE'RE PAYING FOR IT." " HIS CONDITION WAS NEVER THAT BAD UNTIL HE MET HANNAH." " OH." " [scoffs]" " HEY, ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT MY DAUGHTER" "HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH ADAM'S FREAK OUT?" " [chuckles]" " OH, SHE'S NOT IMPLYING." "SHE'S SAYING." " I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS." " OH, RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT INSANE." " EVERYONE, PLEASE!" "WE HAVE WORKED VERY HARD" "TO GET ADAM TO THE POINT HE IS AT IN HIS THERAPY," "AND HE HAS HAD A VERY TOUGH TIME," "BUT THESE LAST FEW DAYS," "HE HAS TRULY MANAGED TO COME FROM BEHIND." " OH, GOD, OH, GOD!" " MEPONG, NEKOCK..." "HO!" " OH!" "OH!" "OH, GOD!" " OH, PING-TO!" " FUCK." " WHAT THE..." " OH, GOD!" " OH, GOD!" " WHAT?" "MOM, DAD?" " OH, GOD!" " GET OFF OF MY BOY!" "[overlapping yelling]" " WHAT ARE YOU..." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " HE NEVER TRIED THAT WITH ME!" " HANNAH?" " GET OFF HIM!" " WHAT IS EVERYBODY DOING HERE AT THE SAME TIME?" "OH, GOD." " OH." " SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT." "YOU NO LONGER WANT TO GET MARRIED TO ME" "BECAUSE YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH YOUR MONGOLIAN DOCTOR?" " I KNOW THIS MUST BE A SHOCK FOR EVERYONE," "BUT WHEN ADAM FINALLY OPENED UP TO ME," "I DON'T KNOW, WE JUST CLICKED." " WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST CLICKED?" " ARLENE." " HMM?" "WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET ANYWHERE BY ATTACKING EACH OTHER." " MM-HMM." " SALA, PLEASE CONTINUE." "BY THE WAY, YOU'RE FIRED." " WELL, I'M BUDDHIST AND YOU KNOW," "BOTH OF OUR RELIGIONS WERE BORN OUT OF STRUGGLE," "SO WE BOTH PLACE EMPHASIS ON FAMILY," "EDUCATION, AND HARD WORK." "AND THE INTENSE PRESSURE THAT ADAM FEELS" "TO MARRY WITHIN HIS PEOPLE" "IS THE SAME PRESSURE I FEEL TO MARRY A MONGOLIAN," "SO IT'S NO WONDER WHY WE'RE ABLE TO CONNECT." " FOR 43 GRAND," "YOU COULD HAVE CONNECTED WITH EVERY CHICK IN MONGOLIA!" " OKAY, SALA." "HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING," "IF YOU TWO TO WERE TO STAY TOGETHER AND GET..." "MARRIED," "HOW WOULD YOU RAISE YOUR CHILDREN?" " OH, MOM, DO WE HAVE TO GET INTO THIS RIGHT NOW?" " WELL, ISN'T THAT WHAT THIS IS FOR?" " OKAY, WELL, THE TRUTH IS..." "THE TRUTH IS..." " THE TRUTH IS?" "THE TRUTH IS..." " WHAT'S THE TRUTH, ADAM?" " THE TRUTH IS, I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO RAISE MY KIDS JEWISH!" "[all gasp]" " OH, SHIT." " JESUS." " WHO ARE YOU?" " WAS I NOT A GOOD MOTHER TO YOU?" "WHEN YOU WERE IN KINDERGARTEN" "AND YOU WANTED THE LITTLE TRAMPOLINE" "THAT COULD POKE OUT YOUR EYE," "WHO GOT YOU THE TRAMPOLINE THAT COULD POKE YOUR EYE OUT?" "I DID." "AND WHEN YOU WERE IN FIFTH GRADE" "AND YOU WANTED TO TAKE KARATE LESSONS IN CHINATOWN," "WHO DROVE YOU THERE THREE NIGHTS A WEEK" "AND SAT IN THE PARKING LOT, ALL ALONE, IN THE DARK?" "I DID." "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?" "BECAUSE YOU'RE MY SON," "AND I LOVE YOU." "AND HOW DO YOU SHOW YOUR LOVE FOR ME?" "YOU HAVE DOGGY-STYLE SEX WITH YOUR MONGOLIAN THERAPIST" "ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!" "AND THEN YOU SAY TO ME, "HEY, MOM," "I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO RAISE MY KIDS JEWISH."" "OH, ADAM, THAT'S FINE!" "THAT'S FINE, JUST..." "JUST TAKE THE KNIFE!" "JUST TAKE THE KNIFE AND KILL ME, ADAM!" " MOM, STOP IT!" " JUST TAKE IT RIGHT NOW!" " [clenching whine] both: [clenching whine]" " OH, OKAY, ADAM, SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT" "OUR ENTIRE TIME TOGETHER MEANT NOTHING TO YOU?" " WE NEVER HIT YOU!" " WE NEVER FONDLED YOU!" " I GOT LE PETITE CANYON FOR YOU!" " HONEY, HONEY, I THINK WE DODGED A BULLET." " YEAH, SHE SEEMS NICE." " I MEAN," "YOU BETTER GET A GOOD LAWYER, FREAK-BOY," "'CAUSE I'M SUING YOUR ASS OFF!" " OKAY, THIS." "THIS RIGHT HERE." "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I WENT NUTS?" "IT'S BECAUSE ALL OF YOU ARE NUTS!" "HANNAH, I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T MARRY YOU," "BUT IT'S BETTER THAT WE END THIS RIGHT NOW," "RATHER THAN DRAGGING THIS ON FOR A LONG FUCKING TIME." "AND MOM, I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO DO THINGS" "THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO." "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?" "SO DID I." "I JOINED THE FAMILY BUSINESS AND BECAME "THE EMBROIDERY PRINCE."" "WELL, HOW HAPPY CAN A MAN BE?" "AND TO TOP IT OFF, I'VE NEVER DATED A WOMAN WHO WASN'T JEWISH" "MY ENTIRE LIFE." "WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?" "I'M NOT DOING THINGS FOR YOU GUYS ANYMORE, HUH?" "I'M DOING THINGS FOR ME, BECAUSE I LOVE SALAD." " SALA." " SALA." "AND SHE'S MONGOLIAN." " [shudders]" " AND THAT'S PRETTY COOL." " I LOVE YOU TOO." " OH, GOD." " ARE YOU GONNA BE PAYING BY CASH OR CHECK?" " THE DORSAL SLIT ALLOWS A TIGHT RING OF PHIMOTIC SKIN" "TO BE EXPANDED BY SHORTENING THE SKIN NEAR THE INCISION." "WITH THIS TECHNIQUE, THE PHIMOTIC SKIN" "IS ALLOWED TO STAY INTACT," "AND FINALLY, THE NEOCROSING CRUSH." "BY USING THE TARA KLAMP," "THE SKIN IS CRUSHED FOR AROUND TEN DAYS," "UNTIL IT SUFFOCATES AND DIES." "WITH THIS TECHNIQUE, THE SKIN BONDS" "WITHOUT NEEDING SUTURES." " OH, THIS IS TOUGH, THOUGH." " YEAH." " I MEAN..." "I MEAN, YOU GOTTA LOVE THE DORSAL SLIT." " WELL." " RIGHT?" "'CAUSE THE PHIMOTIC SKIN STAYS INTACT," "BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WITH THE SLEEVE RESECTION," "I GOT THE WIDEST VARIETY OF SCARRING OPTIONS." "WHAT..." "WHAT..." "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" " HONESTLY, I'M KIND OF PARTIAL TO THE TEMPORARY CRUSH." "YOU KNOW, YOU GET ALL THE BENEFITS" "OF THE SLEEVE RESECTION, BUT YOU GET THAT PUMP ACTION" "OF THE GOMCO DEVICE THERE." " YEAH, YEAH." " PLUS, IT REDUCES YOUR SMEGMA BY, LIKE, 75%." " IT DOES?" " YEAH." " DONE, SOLD." "GOING WITH THE TEMPORARY CRUSH, BOY." " OKAY." " KNOCK, KNOCK." "SNIP-SNIP TIME, MR. O'CONNELL." "OH." " WHEW." " HERE WE GO." " IS THIS YOUR LIFE PARTNER?" " WHO?" " NO, NO." " NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." " [laughs]" " NO LIFE PARTNERING HERE." "NO, THERE'S..." "THAT WOULD BE WEIRD." " OKAY." " NOT THAT THAT'S WEIRD AT ALL," "BUT JUST, YOU KNOW." " OKAY, MR. O'CONNELL." "SO ME GOING TO TURN THIS LITTLE KNOBBY HERE ON," "AND YOU'RE GOING TO JUST SLOWLY DRIFT AWAY." "ME WANT YOU TO BREATHE, RELAX, ENJOY IT." "[breathes deeply]" " BREATHE IN, BREATHE IN." "[inhales]" " I'M SCARED." " YOU HAVE NOTHIN'" "TO BE AFRAID OF, BOY." "NURSE BOO IS GOIN' SING YOU A LITTLE DITTY" "AND MAKE YOU FEEL ALL BETTER." " OH." " ♪ WHEN I WAS ONLY EIGHT DAYS OLD ♪" "♪ HURRAH, HURRAH A-BILLY BILLY BILLY BUM ♪" "♪ WHEN I WAS ONLY EIGHT DAYS OLD HURRAH, HURRAH ♪" " ♪ A-BILLY BILLY BIL... ♪ - ♪ THE MOYIL CAME ♪" "♪ WITH HIS BIG KNIFE ♪" "♪ I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO TAKE MY LIFE ♪" "♪ BUT HE ONLY TOOK A LITTLE BIT OFF THE TOP ♪" "♪ A LITTLE BIT OFF THE TOP TOP, TOP ♪" "♪ LITTLE BIT OFF THE TOP ♪ [popping]" " ♪ TOP ♪" "OH." " OKAY, OKAY." " OKAY." " SHE WAS TAKING A LITTLE OFF THE TOP." " EASY THERE, MR. O'CONNELL." "NEXT TIME, DON'T TRUST YOUR CIRCUMCISION TO AN HMO." "[laughs]" " [laughs]" " I THINK SHE'S NICE." " I JUST..." "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE DOING ALL OF THIS" "JUST SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY MORE DECISIONS." " OH, ADAM." "YOU DON'T GET IT." "ALL THOSE THINGS THAT YOU SAY DRIVE YOU CRAZY, I LOVE." " AH." " I LOVE THAT YOUR PARENTS" "SMOTHER YOU." "I LOVE THAT" "IF THEY HEAR ABOUT A TORNADO IN KANSAS, THEY CALL YOU," "EVEN THOUGH YOU LIVE IN LOS ANGELES." " YEAH, WE'RE VERY NERVOUS PEOPLE." " AND I LOVE THE FACT THAT" "YOU EMAIL EACH OTHER YOUR ITINERARIES" "BECAUSE..." "BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW." "YOU KNOW?" " NO." "YOU NEVER KNOW." " NEVER KNOW." "FOR THE PAST 5,000 YEARS, EVERY CIVILIZATION," "EVERY CULTURE HAS TRIED TO HAVE YOU GUYS ANNIHILATED." " YEAH, WE ARE NOT LIKED." " I LIKE YOU." " LIKE, YOU'RE GETTING THE..." "[imitates snipping]" "IT'S GONNA ALL MAKE SENSE NOW." " NOW, MOHAMMED EL-SHEIKH EL SHEEN EL-SHEIKH IS UP HERE." "NOW, HE'S GONNA COME UP HERE, AND THEN, WE GOT MOHAMMED..." " MUHAMMAD ALI?" " NO." "[phone ringing]" " STOP THAT." " O'CONNELL HERE." "SPEAK UP!" " HI, DADDY, IT'S YOUR SON, CHRISTIAN!" "WHAT YOU DOIN'?" "[laughs]" " I'M IN TAHITI HAVING MYSELF A MAI TAI." "WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?" "FIGHTING TERRORISTS, SPREADING DEMOCRACY." " DAD, GUESS WHAT I'M DOING?" "OH, I'M HERE" "WITH ADAM LIPSCHITZ." "YOU REMEMBER HIM?" " ADAM LIPSCHITZ?" "DIDN'T I ORDER YOU" "TO STAY AWAY FROM THAT BOY?" " NO, DADDY, WE'RE LIFE PARTNERS." " NO, SIR, THAT'S INACCURATE, SIR!" " LIFE PARTNERS?" "NOW, WHAT THE HELL" "IS LIFE PARTNERS?" " LIFE PARTNERS." " MEANS HE'S A HOMO, DAD." " WHAT?" " I CALL IT OR WHAT?" " A HOMO?" " [laughs]" " YEAH, WE'RE HERE AT THE HOSPITAL, YOU KNOW," "'CAUSE I..." "HE'S WITH ME SO I CAN GET CIRCUM..." "CIRCUMCISED, SIR." " WHAT..." "NO, NOT FOR ME, THOUGH." " CIRCUMCISED!" " CIRCUMCISED?" " YEAH, SO I CAN BE A JEW, DADDY." " YOU CAN BE A..." "A JEW?" " DADDY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING TOO," "BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE." "WE NEVER SAY THIS, BUT I LOVE YOU." "DADDY, I LOVE YOU." "HI." "OW!" " SORRY." " UGH." " YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD" "WE'RE HANGING OUT AGAIN, BUT I KIND OF FEEL" "LIKE SOMETHING'S MISSING." " [laughs]" " ♪ A LITTLE BIT OFF THE TOP ♪" " OW." " ♪ TOP ♪ - ♪ TOP ♪ [phone beeps]" " ALISON?" " WANT TO HAVE SEX?" " MM..." "NOT REALLY." "[door crashes open]" " GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!" " [screams]" " CLEAR LEFT!" " CLEAR RIGHT!" " DIDN'T I ORDER YOU TO KEEP YOUR SON AWAY FROM MY SON?" " EXCUSE ME?" " DON'T YOU PLAY DUMB WITH ME," "SHIT-LIVES." " BUCK O'CONNELL?" " OH, JEEZ!" " YOUR ADAM HAS TURNED MY CHRISTIAN INTO SOME GAY JEW!" " WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA." "BUCK, SLOW DOWN." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" " THEY'RE LIFE PARTNERS." " LIFE PARTNERS?" "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS?" " HE CALLED AND TOLD ME" "WHILE HE WAS IN HOSPITAL WITH YOUR ADAM" "THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO GET HIS PECKER CHOPPED" "SO THEY COULD BE GAY JEWS TOGETHER." "AND THEN, HE TOLD ME, "DAD, I LOVE YOU."" "[scoffs] WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, HUH?" " OH, DENNIS, WE PUSHED HIM TOO FAR, AND HE SNAPPED." "WITH ALL THE PRESSURE THAT WE PUT ON HIM" "TO MARRY A JEWISH GIRL, THE ASIAN WASN'T ENOUGH," "AND..." "AND..." "AND HE..." "HE WENT THE OTHER WAY." "OH, GOD." " OKAY, BUCK, FIRST OF ALL," "YOU LOOK FANTASTIC." " WHOA, HEY, HEY, HEY, WHOA." " TAKE IT EASY, OLD MAN." " NO, BUT SECOND OF ALL, I MEAN," "I'M HAVING A HARD TIME BELIEVING ANY OF THIS." " OH, YEAH?" "THEN WHERE'S YOUR BOY RIGHT NOW?" " BUDDY, I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE," "AND THAT YOU'RE HELPING ME WITH THIS." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU." " YOU REALLY NEED ME TO DO THIS AGAIN?" " YEAH, PLEASE." " I GOTTA BE HONEST," "I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GET THROUGH ANOTHER GAUZE PASS." "AND HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU HAVE TO DO IT?" " OH!" "REALLY, I CAN'T DO THIS MYSELF." "PLEASE, COME AND DO IT." " GOD." " COME ON, JUST HELP ME." " OKAY." " COME HERE." "PUT SOME OF THAT JELLY ON IT," "AND LET'S GET GOING." " OKAY." "I MAY GAG A LITTLE AS WE'RE GOING HERE, BUT..." " THAT'S OKAY." " OH, GOD." " EVERYONE GAGS." " UGH." " EVERYONE GAGS." "OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH-HOO-HOO." " OH." " OH, THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD." " UGH." " [laughs] - [grunts]" "I'M ACTUALLY REALLY HAPPY THAT YOU WENT" "WITH THE TEMPORARY CRUSH." " REALLY, HOW'S IT LOOK?" " YEAH, IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD." " MORE VASELINE, MORE VASELINE." " GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!" " CLEAR!" "[both screaming and yelling]" " OH, GOD!" "WHAT?" " TEN-HUT!" " DROP..." "THE PETROLEUM JELLY, AND BACK AWAY FROM MY SON'S ANUS." " HOLY SHIT." "I KNEW IT." " DON'T SHOOT HIM, DAD." " MOM?" " ADAM." " DAD?" " DAMN IT, ADAM," "JELLY'S FOR TOAST!" " ALISON, I'M NOT A JEW, AND I'M NOT A DOCTOR," "AND MY NAME IS NOT AVI ROSENBERG." " WELL, THEN WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" " I'M CHRISTIAN THADIUS REGINALD MCARTHUR O'CONNELL." "I'M A PLUMBER." "LOOK, WHEN I MET YOU AT THE MIXER," "I BEGGED MY FRIEND ADAM HERE TO HELP ME" "PASS MYSELF OFF AS A JEW SO THAT YOU'D BE ABLE TO DATE ME." " PENIS CLUB?" " ALISON, HOW'S IT GOING." "MARCY." " DON'T YOU EVEN LOOK AT ME." " RABBI, I'M SO SORRY." " YOU." " "PENIS CLUB"?" " BEFORE ADAM CAME ALONG," "I WATCHED NASCAR, AND I HAD THE HEADS OF DEAD ANIMALS" "THAT I'D HUNTED AND KILLED MYSELF ON MY WALL," "AND I HAD NO IDEA THAT WHEN YOU ORDER A SALAD AT A RESTAURANT" "YOU CAN ORDER THE DRESSING ON THE SIDE..." "LET ALONE CUSTOM-CREATE YOUR OWN DISHES OFF THE MENU." " HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "I FED YOU CAESAR SALAD." " JEWS CAN CUSTOM-CREATE THEIR OWN DISHES OFF THE MENU." " THEY'RE ALWAYS UP TO SOMETHING." " I CAN HEAR YOU!" " THAT'S WHY I MESSED UP OUR DATE SO BAD," "'CAUSE I WASN'T BEING MYSELF." "AND THEN ADAM TOLD ME THE ONLY WAY I'M EVER GONNA" "BE ABLE GET YOU BACK IS IF I COULD CONVINCE YOUR MOM" "THAT I WAS THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD." "SO THAT'S WHY I POISONED YOUR DAD" "WITH THE ROTTEN GEFILTE FISH, BECAUSE I WANTED" "TO PARTNER WITH YOUR MOM IN THE BRIDGE TOURNAMENT." " YOU'RE THE REASON I'VE BEEN ON THE TOILET" "FOR THREE DAYS BECOMING A RAISIN?" " ALL RIGHT, WE FINALLY BEAT THE FLEISCHMANS, SCHLOMY," "SO JUST LEAVE IT ALONE." " WAS THERE EVER A MEDICAL CONFERENCE IN DALLAS?" " NO, I JUST NEEDED TIME" "TO RECOVER FROM THE CIRCUMCISION." "all:" "OH!" " OH, JESUS!" " FROM THE WHAT?" " I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING CIRCUS VISION." " WHY WOULD YOU DO ALL THAT?" " BECAUSE I LOVE YOU." "ALISON, I LOVE YOU." " OH." " [wincing]" "AND I WANT..." "I WANT YOU TO MAKE EVERY DECISION FOR ME" "FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE." "WILL YOU DO THAT?" " SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID" "BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME?" " YES, PLEASE." " [clicks tongue]" " AH." " SON, STOP THIS HOLLERING AND JUST PROPOSE TO THE GIRL." "DON'T PUT THE TONGUE IN." " WELL, THAT HAIRCUT IS AWFUL," "SO LET ME MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU WITH MY GUY," "'CAUSE HE'S THE BEST." " I SHOULD TAKE THAT AS A "YES," HUH?" " YES." " I'LL TAKE THAT AS A "YES."" " OH." " MAZEL TOV." " OH." "SCHLOMY, WE'VE GOT A PLUMBER." " CHRISTIAN THADIUS REGINALD MCARTHUR O'CONNELL..." "ROSENBERG." "NOW, THAT'S A NICE JEWISH NAME." " WE ARE SO THRILLED THAT YOU FINALLY DECIDED" "TO COME ON A MOOSE HUNT WITH US." " I CAN'T WAIT TO KILL ME A TEN-POINTER." "I'M GONNA SKIN HIM AND GUT HIM" "AND PULL OUT HIS RECTUM." " SHH." " THAT'S THE SPIRIT." " NOBODY IS PULLING OUT" "ANYBODY'S RECTUM HERE." " THAT'S WHAT THEY DO." " NO, NO, LISTEN TO ME, SCHLOMY." "THAT WOULD BE A DISGUSTING THING TO DO." "THINK OF IT, E COLI." " YOU COULD BE MORE..." " YOU COULD GET BACTERIUM." "THERE ARE NO WIPES HERE THAT I CAN SEE." " SHUT UP!" "STOP THE KVETCHING." "MARCY, YARMULKE MAN, TAKE A KNEE." " KNEE?" "OY, CRAMP." " CAREFUL." " NOT LIKE THAT!" "FOR GOD'S SAKE." "SHH." "I REMEMBER WHEN MY FATHER TOOK ME OUT FOR MY FIRST HUNT." "[laughs] WE ALL FOUGHT LIKE CRAZY" "OVER WHO'S GONNA BE THE LUCKY ONE" "TO PULL OUT THAT RECTUM." " AH." " THAT'S WHAT THEY DO." " OH, THANK YOU." " NOG, BABY?" " DAMN RIGHT." " NOG, BABY?" " OH, DADDY LOVES MAMA'S NOG." " [chuckles]" " NOG, BABY?" " I'M NOT REALLY MUCH OF A NOG GUY." "YOU KNOW, THE DAIRY KIND OF MAKES MY ACID REFLUX KICK IN," "AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF THE EGGS ARE CAGE FREE," "SO I DON'T FEEL SAFE..." "ONE SIP WON'T KILL ME, I GUESS." " NOG, BABY?" " OH, YEAH." "[moose calls]" " MOOSE!" " [gasps] MOOSE!" " MOOSE!" " OH, YEAH!" "[moose groans]" " NAR NUTENG AND JEBEI N..." "WHATEVER," "MY WIFE AND I, WE WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY" "AND FOR THESE BEAUTIFUL HATS." " OH." " [speaking Mongolian] - [chuckles] [speaking Mongolian]" " MY FATHER SAYS IT'S AN HONOR" "TO HAVE YOU AS PART OF OUR FAMILY" "AND THEY'VE LEARNED A GREAT DEAL OF WISDOM" "FROM ALL OF YOU THIS WEEK." " THANK YOU, THANK YOU." " [speaking Mongolian]" " MY MOTHER SAYS YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE FRIED MARMOT." "IT'S A SPECIALITY." " OH, DENNIS, DID YOU HEAR THAT?" "WE'RE GONNA HAVE FRIED MARMOT." "HURRAY." " ARLENE, WE DISCUSSED AT HOME," "I CAN HAVE FRIED FOOD ONCE EVERY FEW MONTHS." "IT'S NOT GONNA KILL ME." " OH, I'M NOT SAYING" "THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FRIED FOOD, I JUST..." " WELL, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" "LET'S JUST EAT IT." " WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE" "MONGOLIAN BARBECUE, OR SOMETHING." "[both arguing in Mongolian]" " JUST EAT WHAT THEY ORDER." " BUT I..." "WHY?" " WE DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE." " IS IT KOSHER?" "I DON'T KNOW." "AND BY THE WAY, WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHOLESTEROL?" " WE'RE NOT EVEN KOSHER." "WHY DO YOU CARE?" "[indie rock music]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ I HAD A DREAM ♪" "♪ WHERE WE SAW EVERYONE WITH A SMILE ON THEIR FACE ♪" "♪ OH, I HAD A DREAM ♪" "♪ OF A DAY WHEN OUR LOVE TOOK THE PLACE OF OUR... ♪" "♪ ♪" " I WAS DEPRESSED." "I WAS SELF-CONSCIOUS." "I REALIZED THAT MY GOD-GIVEN VAGINA" "WASN'T THE VAG I WANTED GOD TO GIVE ME." " HI." "I'M DR. BILL GINSBURG," "FOUNDER OF VAGINA BEAUTIFUL." "OUR STATE-OF-THE-ART SURGICAL PROCEDURES" "WILL TRANSFORM YOUR VA-VA-BLAH INTO A VA-VA-LA." "CALL NOW FOR YOU FREE, NO-OBLIGATION, COLOR BOOK," "FEATURING MY ORIGINAL DESIGNS." "OUR TEAM OF EXPERT VAGINACOLOGISTS" "WILL TRANSFORM YOUR CATERPILLAR INTO A BUTTERFLY." " DR. GINSBURG TURNED MY GRAND CANYON" "INTO LE PETITE CANYON, AND FOREVER CHANGED MY LIFE." "IN FACT, I WAS SUCH A SATISFIED CLIENT..." "THAT I BECAME ONE OF THE DOCTORS HERE." " AND MY WIFE." "[chime]" "GIFT YOURSELF THE VAG THAT YOU DESERVE." " DON'T LET YOUR LABIA INTERFERE WITH YOUR LIFE." " ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ THERE WAS ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ WHOA ♪ - ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ YEAH I HAD A DREAM ♪" "♪ NOT A DREAM FOR MYSELF BUT FOR ALL OF JEW-KIND ♪" "♪ I HAD A DREAM ♪" "♪ I SAW JESUS AND MOSES SINGING GOSPEL ♪" "♪ ALL TOGETHER NOW ♪" " ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ OH, OH, OH ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ OH, THEY WERE ♪ - ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ YEAH ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ WHOA ♪" "♪ JEWS AND ASIANS WALKING HAND IN HAND ♪" "♪ SMOKING SCHIKSAS WITH A JEWISH MAN ♪" "♪ EVEN MOSES GOTTA LEND A HAND ♪" "♪ I'M THINKING LOVE SHALOM, SHALOM ♪" "♪ I HAD A DREAM ♪" "♪ WHERE I SAW EVERY JEW PAYING RETAIL GUILT-FREE ♪" "♪ I HAD A DREAM ♪" "♪ WHERE I SAW EVERY GENTILE ORDER DRESSING ON THE SIDE ♪" "♪ YEAH ♪ - ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ THEY WERE ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT ♪" "♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ YEAH ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ ALL TOGETHER NOW ♪" " ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ WHOA-HO ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ SWEET LOVE ♪ - ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ YEAH ♪ - ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ WHOO ♪ - ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪" " ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪" " ♪ OH, SWEET LOVE ♪ - [vocalizing]" " ♪ PEACE AND HARMONY ♪ [applause] [song ends]"