"In last week's episode of Soap, the doctor told Jessica Chester has a brain tumor, and that's what caused him to kill Peter." "Jessica told the doctor to operate in order to save Chester's life, although she was told he could come out of the operation with the personality of a pineapple." "Mrs. Flotsky told Tim she was dying, because he left the priesthood and married Corinne." "Tim told her to knock it off, which she did by dropping dead, and although Burt didn't want her to," "Mary started college, something she's always wanted." "Danny wants to change Elaine, and his plan is not to let her eat, sleep, or dress." "Elaine hasn't changed, she just wants to live." "Eunice wants to be with Dutch, but since he's wanted by the police, he can't be with her, even though he wants to, and Jodie told Carol he wants to marry her, only Carol isn't sure that's what she wants." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is..." "Soap." "Hello, darling." "Hi, Ma." "This is for Tim." "Where is he?" "I don't know." "Oh..." "Well, this is a welcome-to-our-family present for Tim." "Oh, Corinne, they have the loveliest things in the hospital gift shop." "I bought one in red for Daddy." "Of course, being unconscious, he couldn't get too excited about it." "Ma, I think Tim's left me." "I've only been married six days, and already he's left me." "Oh, Corinne." "No, darling, he hasn't left you." "He's 10 hours late." "Traffic." "Ma, he's been very depressed since his mother's death, plus he's not too thrilled about moving in here." "Neither am I." "Oh, boy?" "Boy?" "You." "Simpson." "These boots have been sitting outside my door for a week now." "I'd like them shined." "Yes, sir." "Oh, maybe that's him." "Yes." "Tim!" "Where have you been?" "I've been worried." "What happened?" "Corinne, I spent the last 10 hours thinking, and I've come to the realization that I'm cursed." "Wherever I am, I bring death or destruction." "I can't live here." "Good." "Tim... you are not cursed." "You're a part of this family now." "You can stay here just as long as you want to." "You know, Tim, let me tell you something." "When Mr. Tate and I first got married, well, we moved in with my parents, and, look, we're still here." "Now, I don't want to hear any more nonsense." "You are staying." "Thank you." "I guess it's silly of me to think that my mere presence could cause something bad to happen." "Well, if you ain't the kiss of death, you come awfully close." "Thanks for the ride." "My pleasure." "It's so much nicer than taking the train." "Well, it's so much nicer than driving alone." "Listen, could I possibly get you to offer me a cup of coffee?" "A cup of coffee?" "Or tea." "Root beer?" "A glass of water?" "Kaopectate?" "Anything." "I'm easy." "Coffee?" "Yeah." "Of course, coffee." "Come in." "I'll make some coffee." "Sit down." "Make yourself comfortable." "Thank you." "It's a nice homey place you have here." "Well, it's home." "I suppose that's what gives it that homey quality?" "Probably." "Oh, coffee!" "You wanted some coffee, right?" "Listen, are you all right?" "Oh yeah." "I'm fine, I'm fine." "Uh..." "I guess I'm just a little nervous." "I've never had a professor in my home before." "I've never had a professor before." "You ought to try it." "I'll make the coffee." "It's ridiculous." "Well, Bob, I am sorry, but she's put her foot down." "I mean, this time, she wants to spend some time with me alone." "Well, what's the matter with this girlfriend of yours?" "Is she afraid I'll see her with no clothes on and throw up?" "No, Bob, that's not it." "Hey, who are you?" "The coffee will be ready in a..." "Hey, Mare, who is this guy?" "Chuck, why don't you go on upstairs?" "Oh, getting a little on the side, huh?" "Bob!" "Well, there's nothing wrong with a nooner." "Bob..." "Incredible act they have there." "I'm afraid that's not an act." "Is he home yet?" "No." "Oh, thank God!" "I hope I have time for a nap." "He never lets me sleep, but first," "I've got to have some food." "He hasn't let me eat in days." "I am faint from hunger." "I just pray he likes this dress." "He's destroyed all my clothes." "My daughter-in-law." "Happy girl." "So, uh..." "Do you like teaching?" "More now than before." "I'll see if the coffee's ready." "Hi." "Hi!" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "This is Anatole Martins, my English professor." "This is my husband, Burt, and this is my son, Danny." "Hi." "How are you doing?" "I can't tell you how good even this crap tastes." "Oh, Elaine..." "Oh, no." "What are you doing?" "Where did this come from?" "And that dress." "Oh, no." "She'll never learn." "Nice meeting you." "I think maybe I'd better go." "Mary, see you in class, yes?" "Yes, yes, of course." "Nice meeting you." "Good night." "Good night." "Did loverboy leave?" "What's he talking about?" "Her teacher." "Boy, does he have eyes for her." "Why, I'll never know, but he does." "Don't listen to them." "They're crazy." "Hey, listen, I'd watch it if I were you." "I mean, face it, this guy's got everything that you don't:" "looks, class, smarts." "See you, loser." "It's happening, just like I said." "What?" "You're in school a week, the teacher's in the house." "I hate to think where he'll be by mid-semester." "Burt, the man gave me a ride so I wouldn't have to take the train." "Mary, please, the old train-ride ploy?" "Mary, I know all about this stuff." "I'm an expert." "I've got a welder, Frank." "His wife went back to school." "Wonderful wife he had, was known for her pot roast." "Anyway, she takes a course and then another one, and what happens is the teacher assigns them Lady Chatterley's Lover to read." "You don't get that, Lady Chatterley's Lover?" "Then he assigns another hot book, Ulysses, and then he assigns another hot book, and one hot book after another, until finally, Frank's wife isn't cooking pot roast anymore." "Frank's wife is just cooking... and that was that." "She up and left Frank for this pervert professor." "Frank told me she stopped shaving her legs and was stranger than hell." "So don't tell me about schools, Mary." "Don't tell me about professors, Mary, because I know all about it." "Here." "What?" "What's this?" "The class I'm taking is in poetry, and that's my first poem." ""To My Husband?"" "To my husband I love him so" "That words merely Diminish the feeling" "I would not attempt To describe a rose" "That's what I did in school." "I'm sorry, Mary." "I'm sorry." "I really am." "If I didn't love you so much," "I wouldn't get so crazy." "Oh, Burt, I know, but listen, I am not leaving you." "I love you." "You've got to stop being afraid." "I know." "Will you forgive me?" "What do you think?" "Hey, Mare, now, I don't want you to feel bad, but your poem..." "Mm-hmm?" "It didn't rhyme." "Well, the thing is, everyone in this family except you and me is completely bonkers." "Now, what worries me is is it hereditary?" "I mean, is this what I have to look forward to, setting sail on the banana boat?" "Don't be silly." "First of all, it's not hereditary, and second of all, it's not even insanity." "The people in this house are just a little unconventional, that's all." "Unconventional?" "Mm-hmm." "Our father's a murderer, our sister Mary's a priest," "Grandpa's fighting WWII, and Mother lives on Mars." "I don't know what to do." "Okay, Billy, let's talk." "Sit down." "Thanks." "Uh, get up." "What?" "And get out." "But we were going to talk." "And we did, and it was just lovely." "Do come back sometime, and we'll continue." "Wait a minute, Eunice." "I have something to say." "That's okay." "I'm finished." "And I loved every minute of this..." "But..." "Charmed." "Delightful." "I'll see you." "Oh, Dutch, I missed you." "Where were you?" "Where are you going?" "What are you doing?" "I'm going to make love to you." "Now?" "Well, if I wait till after I leave," "I don't think I'll enjoy it as much." "Wait a minute." "What happened to talking?" "Eunice, I'm a fugitive." "I didn't just climb through that window from a day at the office." "I've only got a little time." "I want to spend it being close to you." "Oh, I'm sorry, Dutch." "Eunice, I've got to..." "Hold it!" "Don't, Billy." "No!" "Listen, you creep," "I'm a green belt in karate." "You should know that." "We're lovers!" "My hands are lethal weapons." "What?" "We're in love." "You and him?" "Put me down, please." "A convicted killer?" "Well, why not?" "Why should you be any less crazy than anyone else in this house?" "And I'm next, I know it." "I already have the first symptom." "I'm talking to myself." "I guess I'd better get going." "Now?" "Yeah." "Oh, Dutch, take me with you." "It'll only take me a couple of minutes to pack." "Forget it, Eunice." "No, really, I'll be a big help." "I can be a decoy." "I can be a lookout." "I kiss nice." "Eunice, put the suitcases away." "You're not going." "This is no trip for you and your matching luggage." "I've got to go by myself." "Oh, Dutch, what's going to happen to us?" "When will I see you again?" "I don't know." "Oh, Dutch." "So long, sweetheart." "Be careful on that roof." "It's so steep." "Here." "It was stuck behind the backboard." "Sorry I'm late." "I'll have a draft, please." "Where have you been?" "I was with Carol." "Are you sure you're gay?" "She had to go to the doctor, and I thought I ought to go along." "Thanks." "Jodie, isn't this togetherness thing getting a little out of hand?" "It would make sense if it was another guy." "I wouldn't be all that crazy about the idea, but at least I'd understand." "Dennis, this is a very confusing time for her." "She just found out she's pregnant and I feel responsible." "You feel responsible?" "What about the guy that got her pregnant?" "Where in the hell is he, huh?" "You're looking at him." "You're kidding." "I guess you want to know why." "I'm still wondering how." "It just happened." "It was late one night, she was crying, and she was real upset, and I held her in my arms and... it happened." "It just happened?" "Yeah." "Well, how does it work these days?" "Does she have to cry every time, or can you just skip over that and go straight to the fun stuff?" "Dennis, please." "Well, where does that leave us?" "I don't know." "I'm waiting for her answer." "I asked her to marry me." "Marry you?" "I think it could work." "Forget it." "Hey, I tried it." "It doesn't work." "And even if you can make it work," "I'll make sure you don't." "It's not raining out..." "or in, for that matter." "This is the only thing I've got that Danny hasn't destroyed." "I don't know how much longer I can take this." "Why is he doing this to me?" "Doing what?" "Burt, come on." "He won't let me sleep, he won't let me eat, he won't let me get dressed." "Oh, that." "Well, he had to do something." "Well, he can't leave you, and he can't stand you." "You asked." "Am I that bad?" "The worst." "You've got to stop." "You cannot keep treating Elaine like that." "But it's working." "She's not nearly as nasty." "Of course not." "She's too tired and weak to be nasty." "I'm changing her." "Danny, you are not changing her." "If you're doing anything, you're killing her." "Well, what am I going to do?" "I can't spend the rest of my life with her the way she is." "Why don't you try being nice?" "Nice?" "Are you kidding?" "With her?" "Nice?" "Listen, I went with a guy once, after your father died, a guy who, for one reason or another," "I was really rotten to." "I don't know why." "I guess I was just going through a rotten phase." "Anyhow, I was rotten to him and he was nice to me, so I got rottener, and he was still nice, and then I got really rotten, and he still stayed nice." "I finally gave up being rotten, because there was no one to appreciate it." "Being rotten is only satisfying if it has an effect." "So you think if I start being really, really nice, she'd stop being rotten?" "It's possible." "It's worked before." "It worked with me." "Hmm." "What about the guy?" "He's in the dining room." "I married him." "Why are you like that?" "I wasn't always like that." "I used to be nice." "If you used to be nice, you know how to be nice." "Why don't you just be nice?" "Because I'm scared." "The people I was nice to turned out not to be so nice." "Hey, we're nice." "I thought they were nice too." "Look, I guess there's no reason why you should, but I wish you'd trust us." "Well, I guess we can eat now." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Psst." "Benson." "I think he's looking a little better, don't you?" "Better than what?" "Than before." "He looked dead to me before." "He looks dead now." "Oh, Benson, he's not dead." "Well, I didn't say he was dead." "I said he looks dead." "Chester, you just have to be all right." "I mean, you just have to be." "We can't go on without you." "Pshh." "Chester, you are the best husband, the best father, the best friend, the best person." "You are the best, Chester." "We need you." "Darling, did you know that Benson's here?" "Benson!" "He's been sitting by your bed for hours worried to death." "Bored to death." "Benson, he moved." "He moved." "Do you know what that means?" "Well, I guess that means he ain't dead." "Chester?" "Yoo-hoo, can you hear me, Chester?" "Whoo-hoo!" "How are you feeling, dear?" "Do you feel all right?" "Where am I?" "You're in the hospital, dear." "Who are you?" "Oh, Chester." "Look at that." "Sick as a dog, and he still finds the strength to tease me." "Orderly, who is this woman?" "Uh-oh." "I better get the doctor." "Chester?" "Are you feeling all right?" "Who is Chester?" "Oh, Chester, you're Chester." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I don't know who you are and I don't know what you're talking about." "He's alive." "I can't believe it." "He is alive." "Do you know what this means?" "Only he and the chimpanzee have ever survived this operation." "Doctor, he doesn't even recognize us." "He doesn't even know his own name." "Give him a chance, please." "Give him a chance." "The man just got out of a coma." "Mr. Tate, can you hear me?" "I'd like a Fudgsicle, please." "He thinks I'm the Good Humor man." "Common mistake." "Mr. Tate," "I want to ask you a few questions." "Do you know what month this is?" "July." "July!" "He got that one wrong too." "Mr. Tate, can you tell us who this gentleman is over here?" "That's Sidney Poitier." "Sidney Poitier, I can't believe it." "Okay, okay, okay, okay, Mr. Tate, one last thing, Mr. Tate." "Do you know who you are, Mr. Tate?" "Oh, my God..." "I'm Gunga Din." "You are not Gunga Din." "Then I'm Gloria Swanson." "Doctor?" "Doctor, what are you doing?" "I am giving him something to make him sleep." "I can't stand it." "The man is behaving like an idiot." "Gunga Din." "Well, Mrs. Tate, the lesion was much bigger than we thought, and I might have removed a little more of the healthy tissue than I planned." "I don't know." "I don't remember seeing any, but these operations are generally so messy, it's hard to see what the hell you have on your knife." "Doctor, do you mean to tell me he's going to be this way forever?" "I don't know, Mrs. Tate." "Time will tell." "In time, you will have your husband back, or I will have a hell of a lawsuit on my hands." "Bye, Mrs. Tate." "See you tomorrow." "Just a minute." "I have to talk to you." "Chester?" "Chester?" "Gunga?" "Miss Swanson?" "Oh, Chester, no matter how you are or who you are," "I'll always, always love you." "Is Tim really the kiss of death?" "Is Eunice ever going to see Dutch again?" "Is Elaine really changing?" "Is Mary going to have to worry about more than just grades with her professor?" "Is Jodie going to wind up with Carol... or Dennis?" "Is Chester going to continue to think of himself as Gunga Din?" "And, if so, would Jessica buy him an elephant?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of..." "Soap" "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."