"Oh, yeah, the little tiller." "These things are the best." "And I'll tell you why." "One of the things these do is they cut ground up" " and make it easy for you to shovel..." " What the...?" "Hey, Mom?" "Mom?" "Mom?" "Hey, Mom." "Do you have a rototiller?" "Well, dang, the rototiller's in the shop." "You'll have to use my plow." "And don't you forget to put Buttercup back in the stable when you're done." "Mom, you know, I'm doing all of this, all of this, for you." "Yeah, well, honey..." "Why are you doing this to me?" " For you." " What did I say?" "I'm back from the beach!" "Ugh." "That boy's gonna help me to death." "If he's going to be here all the time, can he do something we actually need?" "Like get my shoe out from under the bed?" "You know what I really need?" "A pair of good strong arms to help me out of the tub." "Of course I'd have to bathe in a bathing suit." "I can't get clean that way." "I suppose I could buy a bikini, but I don't want him to see me in a bikini either." "Maybe Bud needs a nice mother-son night out on the town." "How about tonight?" "I bet there's a Pink Floyd laser show someplace in San Diego tonight." "Well, first of all, it's in Bakersfield this week." "And get your feet away from my fruit!" "No!" "And second, I'm not going out." "I'm rehearsing here tonight with my Tuvan throat-singing group." "Uh-uh." "No." "No, you're not." " I made snacks..." " Please." "I want the house tonight." "You can sleep in your room, but just stay out of the main house." "Wait." "Is tonight the night?" "If you mean, "Is Guy coming over tonight?" then yes." " For sex?" " For dinner." " And sex?" " Okay." "I'm gonna go to Guy's." "No, no." "Do it here." "The girls and I can meet at Narantsetseg's house." "You have not had sex in a very long time." "Clang, clang!" "Bud's out here!" "Hearing you ladies!" "Wanting to kill himself!" "Please stop." "Can we stop talking about this now?" "Why are you freaking out?" "Break down your emotions for me." "Annoyance." "Irritation..." "No, that's what you're feeling about me." "I'm talking about tonight." "Are you nervous that this will be the first time in 40 years that a straight man will see you naked?" "No, because the lights'll be off." "Matter of fact, I'm going to turn off all the lights in San Diego." "What about vaginal dryness?" "Are you worried about that?" "I am now." "You have two options." "Either Brianna's room..." "Why don't I just use the dining room table?" "I have all of our wedding stuff on the dining room table." "I'll use a corner of the den." "Sol." "This room would make a perfect office." " Or I can work from my car." " What is the problem with Brianna's room?" " Brianna." " What?" "She scares me." "Okay?" "Your daughter is terrifying." "I don't want to give her any reason to kill me in my sleep." "Sol!" "And as our bodies age, our vaginas stop producing their natural lubricants." "You are just going to keep talking about my vagina, aren't you?" " I want to show you something." " No, please, no." "Oh!" "You are such a prude." "It's my secret weapon." "No, please, no." "Frankie's homemade yam lube." " That's a lubricant?" "!" " Yeah." " I've been putting that on my toast!" " Well, that's fine, actually." "My gynecologist says you should not put anything in your vagina that you would not put in your mouth." "I call it "vagacadabra." I'm gonna whip you up a batch." " My yam man is coming today." " Wait a minute, you have a yam man?" "My friend, Jacob." "He's an organic grower and one of my top twelve favorite people." "This is my first time with Guy, okay?" "I don't want to break out the bells and whistles and... yams." "It's not a dildo, honey." "It's a facilitator, that's all." "I also make dildos." "Oh, my God." "Ah..." "Oh, God." "How do you do it?" "Passion." "And some really high quality cow shit." " What are all these yams for, anyway?" " I'm making a lube for my roommate's..." "Car!" "It's lube for my car." "The... the pistons are..." "It's for my car." " Grace, meet my friend, Jacob." " Hey." "Frankie has told me so much about your sweet potato booth." "That's odd, seeing as how I'm a yam man." " Aren't they the same thing?" " Rookie mistake." " Vastly different creature." " See, sweet potatoes are actually dicots." "And the yam is a prime example of a monocot." "Mm-hmm." "God's tuber." "Don't I feel like an idiot." "Well..." "Can you make the On Demand happen?" "I'm wanting to watch something with Lee Marvin in it, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing." "Why don't you get your boyfriend to do it?" " What?" " Mr. Potato Head." " Who, Jake?" " Yeah." "We're just friends." "Just friends?" "Seriously?" "Adult men and women can't be "just friends."" "Oh, that's ridiculous." "I'm friends with lots of men." "Take my dear friend Tim McGinniss, who gave me my tribal mate gourds." "There's never been the slightest suggestion of romance." "Of course, he lost his wang in Korea." "I don't know about your Korean friend." "But I do know that this "friend" was flirting with you." ""God's tuber."" " He was not." " You know, maybe if you stop texting your ex-husband every time you feel sad or you see a funny looking dog, maybe you'd see that this... farmer likes you." "You think?" "No." "Him?" "Really?" "With me?" "No." "Although I do have my charms." "And a fantastic head of hair." "Oh, but he's a Leo..." "Oh, but he's a Leo!" "Loretta's service ferret is in the hall again." "God, I hate his little vest." " Ow!" " What you doing over there?" "Nothing." "Just bills." "Ikea sucks." "You don't have any bills and that's Dad's desk." "Right?" "I gotta get going." "Marching band rehearsal." "Hmm." "Oh, hey, could you take the trash with you on your way out?" " I think it's your turn." " It's whoever leaves first." "And doesn't own the apartment." " Thanks." " Yup." " Forgot my backpack." " Of course you did." " What you doing there?" " Hmm?" "New workout routine?" "Desk lifts?" " Look, man..." " What are you doing with my stuff?" " What are you hiding?" " Come on, give me my drawer." "So, uh... how are you adjusting to... to life in safe, boring San Diego?" "You know, a few years ago I was doing a piece for National Geographic in central Africa, and our village was overrun by Congolese rebels." "So we holed up in this hospital." "And I really thought that was going to be the end." "But today, trying to get out of the parking lot at Trader Joe's, that was the most scared I've ever been in my entire life." "Ah..." "Would you like some more wine?" " Oh, please." " Yeah." "You know, they've got an incredible cheese section there." "It's the only place I can find this Swedish cheese made from moose milk." " You wanna have sex?" " Oh, boy, yeah." "Ah!" "Oh, my neck." "Grace?" "Can I come in now?" "Wait, just a sec." "Okay!" " Oh, boy, it's dark in here." " I know." "Um..." "I've got a little night blindness." "Could I have a little light maybe?" " Just..." " Okay." "Just one sec." "Okay, I'm going to turn the light on just for one second." " And you plan your route, okay?" " Okay." "Okay." " Okay." " Good." "Just that the old memory isn't what it used to be, so..." " Follow the sound of my hand." " Okay." "Ah!" "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "That..." "Oh, jeez." "Boy, band practice must've gone really late." "What do you want, Bud?" "I swear to God, I will not put up with any of your bullshit." "I'm aware that you have a disease, and that you are recovering, because there's no such thing as recovered, however..." "Come on, man!" "My balls?" "!" "If you are using, or if you are lying to me, if you're not going to your meetings, you can just pack up all your stuff and you can get out of my place I'm letting you stay for free" "out of my love for you." "Are you done?" "Did you get out everything you wanted to say?" ""No such thing as recovery..." "stay for free..." "love for you..."" " Yeah, I'm good." " I'm not using." " I'm not lying to you." " Then what is going on, man?" "Are you sure that you wanna know?" "I don't know." "Yes!" "I'm looking for my birth mother." "I knew it!" " Knew what?" " Mussed hair, fancy robe, vague aura of shame..." "Night moves!" " All right, all right." " Tell me everything." "How was it?" "Ah, ah." "Wait." " No, excuse me." " Sister, I need details." "Was it good?" "How long did it last?" "You know something?" "I don't think this is appropriate." "Did you do it more than once?" "Is he a cuddler?" "Did he cry after?" "Did you cry during?" "Tell me what happened." "Fine." "Well..." "Without going into too many details..." "I will say that Guy is..." "no slouch in the boudoir." "How does that feel?" "Are you doing anything?" "No slouch, okay." "What else?" "Well, he has a very... gentle touch." "Ow!" "Oh, that's my nipple, Guy." "It was a delicate dance, really." " Are you there yet?" " Where?" "Oh, never mind." "Mm-hmm." "Not so good, huh?" "Overall, I would give the night a solid B..." "Minus." "Mmm." "Well, it was your first time." "Tell me, did you finish at least?" "I'm here, right?" "Of course I finished." "No, I'm not asking..." "I'm asking did you have an orgasm?" "You are such a child." "That's a "no."" "Okay, so, the keeper pile will be over here." "Sol, for the last time, there is no keeper pile." "That's actually what's on our family crest." "Hang on a minute!" "This is your yearbook!" "I still read things people wrote in my high school yearbook." ""People say we won't stay friends later in life." "In this case, it's true..." "See ya never."" "Who wouldn't want to save that?" "What do I do with this stack of birthday cards?" "They're from your parents." "You'd want to save these." "They're from you when you were a little girl." " Toss 'em." " Bye-bye!" "So long, poignant memories." "Zephyrentamental's bed!" " What are you looking for?" " It's nothing." "Sol, could you get me, like, a sandwich or something?" "Sweetheart, there's no amount of sandwiches that can fill the void you must be feeling right now." "Of course, I could whip you up a nice panini..." "Great!" "Yes!" "Panini!" "Go!" "Thank you!" " I scare him, don't I?" " He's terrified of you." "That makes me so happy." "So were you open with him?" "Did you tell him what you like?" " What do you like in bed?" " Privacy." "Come on." "You've got to speak up or it'll never get any better." "You know what I like in bed?" "I like for the man next to me to be the right man." "Guy is tall, he's full of life, not gay..." "Did you remind him that direct clitoral stimulation is essential before," " during, and often after penetration?" " Yes, I used those exact words." "No!" "I'm 70 years old." "Actually, I have never once talked about my c-l-i-t-o..." "Who's the child?" "It's anatomical." "Say the word." " No." " How about if I show you mine?" "Clitoris!" "Clitoris!" "Clitoris!" " Why?" " Why what?" "Why now?" "I mean, you're barely a year sober." "I mean, are you just looking for some other kind of charge?" "Fuck you!" "No!" "I want to find my mother." "Your biological mother." "Okay." "Because our actual mother, the woman who raised us since we were babies is going through a pretty hard time right now." "So if she finds out about this, it could push her over the edge." "My God, would you stop it with the guilt trip?" "Please?" "Look, I just want to know where I come from." "San Diego." "The Bergsteins." "I want to sit across the table from someone who looks like me." "Can't you understand that?" "No, what would an adopted, black, Ashkenazi Jew living in San Diego understand about that?" " Exactly." "And you're not curious?" " Not enough." "I mean, what if she's some sort of hooker, or a crack whore?" "Or just... someone who didn't want me." "The good news is I'm more likely to have a crack whore for a parent than you." " Then why do it?" " I don't know." "Look... now that I'm-I'm waking up to my life, okay, I can feel this pull." "I can feel it from my stomach, Bud." "And I don't think that it's going away." "Look, you don't have to do anything." "Okay?" "This is not your responsibility." "I wasn't even going to tell you." "I'm glad that I did." "I don't understand why you have to do this, but I do understand that you have to do this." "Do you understand?" "Well... my mom's pretty stupid." "So..." "I'm stupid, too." "You make fun... but that could actually be your mother." "Well, Bud gardens like one hell of a lawyer." "Well, it's good of you to take a look." "How bad is it?" "You might just wait for the next storm and let the sea take it." "You got a great laugh." "I, um..." "Are-are-are you thirsty?" "You want drink?" "A drink?" "In a cup?" "Let's see, I have mate..." "I'd love some mate." "Um..." "I have goat milk..." " Mate's fine." " Yeah..." "I'll just go in and get it," " Jack-ub." "Jacob." "Jacobin." "Um..." "Fuck, shit." "Yes, it was nice." "Tonight sounds wonderful." "Okay." "Frankie, Guy and I just made plans for him to have another orgasm tonight." "Frankie?" "You are right." "He is flirting!" "Frankie, that man is out there literally sowing his oats in your garden." "What am I going to do?" "I haven't been in this situation with a man in 40 years." "According to you, just tell him about your clitoris and it'll be fine." "Oh, why am I asking you for advice?" "Well, at least I've had mediocre sex recently." "Look, just flirt back a little, you know, see how you feel." "Oh, last time I flirted was 1968 and it was basically," ""Do you want to do it?" "Sure."" "Flirting outside of hippie sex pile is a little more nuanced." "Display, display open body language." "Ask a lot of questions." "You both love dirt, ask him about that." " Okay." "I can do that." " Yeah." "And men love it when women mimic their body language." "You know, and laugh, laugh at what he says." "Give me some paper." "Oh, and tilt your head slightly to the side." " Why?" " It shows deep concern" " about what he's saying." " You mean like my retriever used to do?" " Exactly." "Like Mahatma used to do." " Oh, God." "Is this what you're looking for?" "Zephyrentamental." "Where did you find him?" "I..." "I had him." "You know, when you went away to college, I just..." "I just kept him." " You kept him for me?" " For me, too." " And you didn't wash him." " He never liked baths." "You remember when you did that operation on this eye?" " We almost lost him." " You had a steady hand." "You don't get this with boys." "Sol!" "Oh, God..." "But then the water can't get in there, that's why you've got to aerate the soil." "That is so fascinating." " Ah!" " Ah." " Mmm." "Hmm." " Mmm." " So, where did you go to school?" " Humboldt State University." "Oh!" "Cornhuskers." "Lumberjacks." "Oh!" "What... what the fuck am I doing?" "Are you all right?" "No, no." "Grace had this stupid idea that you were flirting with me, so I tried to flirt back." "You couldn't tell." "I thought you were having a stroke." "I'm terrible at this." "I've got an idea." "Damn." "That's some good cheeba." "I cross-pollinated a super-strain of White Widow and some Hindu Kush." "I call it..." "God damn, I'm totally blanking." "Can't remember what I call it." " So how's that car running?" " The what?" "You know." "You were making a lubricant for Grace's car." "Oh, right!" "That was a lie." "That was personal lube." "For Grace's person." "Is it any good?" "Best damn yams, best damn lube." "Oh, I gotta go." "That's for you." "Wow, nice." "For the record, Grace was right." "I was flirting." "Is it okay that I'm using your copy of Toxic People as a coaster?" "Well, it's actually Frankie's, but she keeps leaving it out for me, so have at it." "This is all I've been able to think about." "Me, too." "Oh, hey, I brought a flashlight." "Good planning." "Um..." "Uh, hmm." "I'm sorry." "Is this not what you want?" "Yeah, no, I..." " Remember these?" "Do you remember?" " Of course I do." " I didn't realize you were a vinyl lover." " Well, they're Frankie's." "She's not so much a lover of vinyl but... she just can't open CDs." "Um..." "Would you dance with me?" "Grace, I've got two left feet..." "That's okay, I'll lead." "Wow, that's nice." "Isn't it?" "Isn't this beautiful?" "Oh, boy." "Put your hand here." " Right here?" " A little lower." " Like that?" " Perfect." "Can you come a little closer?" "Oh!" "Take your time." "Okay." "You're doing great." "You make it easy." "What else?" "Look in my eyes."