"_" "Eleanor?" "Come on in." "Hi, Eleanor." "I'm Michael." "How are you today?" "I'm great." "Thanks for asking." "Oh, one question." "Where am I?" "Who are you?" "And what's going on?" "Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead." "Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe." "Cool." "Cool." "I have some questions." "Thought you might." "How did I die?" "I-I don't remember." "Yes, um, in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory to allow for a peaceful transition." "Are you sure you want to hear?" "All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot." "You dropped a bottle of something called" ""Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One."" "And when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area rolled out of control and plowed right into you." "Oof." "That's how I died?" "No, sorry, there's more." "You were able to grab on to the front of the column of shopping carts, but it swept you right out into the street where you were struck and killed by a mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill called "Engorge-ulate."" "Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours..." "Okay, that's..." "I get it, thank you." "Oh, okay, sorry." "Um, so who was right?" "I mean about all of this?" "Well, let's see." "Hindus are a little bit right," "Muslims a little bit." "Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett." "Who... who's Doug Forcett?" "Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s." "One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said," ""Hey, what do you think happens after we die?"" "And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct." "I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing." "That's him, actually, right up there." "He's pretty famous around here." "I'm very lucky to have that." "So..." "Maybe my biggest question:" "am I..." "I mean, is this..." "Or..." "Well, it's not the heaven or hell idea that you were raised on." "But generally speaking, in the afterlife, there's a Good Place and there's a Bad Place." "You're in the Good Place." "You're okay, Eleanor." "You're in the Good Place." "Well, that's good." "Sure is." "Okay, let's take a walk, shall we?" "Oh, did I have a purse?" "No, I'm dead, right." "Okay." "So this is how it works." "The Good Place is divided into distinct neighborhoods." "Each one contains exactly 322 people who have been perfectly selected to blend together into a blissful harmonic balance." "Do all the neighborhoods look like this?" "No, every neighborhood is unique." "Some have warm weather, some cold." "Some are cities, some farmland." "But in each one, every blade of grass, every ladybug, every detail has been precisely designed and calibrated for its residents." "There's a lot of frozen yogurt places." "Yeah." "That's the one thing we put in all the neighborhoods." "People love frozen yogurt." "I don't know what to tell you." "You're gonna have a million more questions, I know." "For right now, better grab a seat." "Movie's about to begin." " Ah." "Hello, everyone." " _" "And welcome to your first day in the afterlife." "You were all, simply put, good people." "But how do we know that you were good?" "How are we sure?" " During your time on Earth, - _ every one of your actions had a positive or a negative value, depending on how much good or bad that action put into the universe." " Every sandwich you ate, - _" " every time you bought a magazine, - _ every single thing you did had an effect that rippled out over time and ultimately created some amount of good or bad." "You know how some people pull into the breakdown lane when there's traffic?" "And they think to themselves," ""Ah, who cares?" "No one's watching."" "We were watching." "Surprise." "Anyway, when your time on Earth has ended, we calculate the total value of your life using our perfectly accurate measuring system." "Only the people with the very highest scores, the true cream of the crop, get to come here, to the Good Place." "What happens to everyone else, you ask?" "Don't worry about it." "The point is, you are here because you lived one of the very best lives that could be lived." "And you won't be alone." "Your true soul mate is here too." "That's right." "Soul mates are real." "One of the other people in your neighborhood is your actual soul mate, and you will spend eternity together." "So welcome to eternal happiness." "Welcome to the Good Place." "Sponsored by:" "otters holding hands while they sleep." "You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands?" "That's how you're gonna feel every day." "So who is in the Bad Place, that would shock me?" "Uh, well, Mozart," "Picasso, Elvis, basically every artist ever, uh, every U.S. president except Lincoln." "That sounds about right." "What about Florence Nightingale?" "That was close, but, no, she didn't make it." "Wow, all those amazing people down there, it just seems so hard to believe." "Again, it's an incredibly selective system." "Most people don't make it here." "But you, a lawyer who got innocent people off death row, you're special, Eleanor." "And by the way, welcome to your new home." "Oh, it's perfect, isn't it?" "You see, in the Good Place, every person gets to live in a home that perfectly matches his or her true essence." "Cool." "So I guess that's why my house, for example, is this adorable little cottage, whereas other people might have homes that are bigger, like that one." "Exactly." "Oh, I'm so happy you get it." "As you can see, the interior has been decorated just as you like it, in the Icelandic primitive style." "Oh, oh, and, uh, of course, you love clowns, so..." "I do love clowns." "Now, let me show you the, uh... the video system here." "You can review everything that happened in your life from your point of view." "There we go." "This is your Human Rights mission to the Ukraine." "I mean, you got a ton of points for that one." "It really put you over the top." "Oh." "Chidi, come on in." "Eleanor?" "I'm Chidi Anagonye, and you are my soul mate." "Cool, bring it in, man." "Now, excuse me." "I have other people to attend to." "So where you from, Chidi?" "Well, I was born in Nigeria, raised in Senegal, but my work took me all over the place..." "Australia, Hong Kong, Paris." "What about you?" "Uh, well, I..." "I was born in Phoenix." " Mm-hmm." " Arizona." "And then I went to school in Tempe, Arizona." "And then I moved back to Phoenix, Arizona." "Your English is amazing." "Oh!" "I'm actually speaking French." "This place just translates whatever you say into a language the other person can understand." " So it's incredible." " Whoa." "And now I want to say this." "Mm-kay." "Eleanor." "I have spent my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe." "And now we can actually learn about them together as soul mates." "It's overwhelming." "Chidi." "You'll stand by my side no matter what, right?" "Of course I will." "Promise me." "Say, "I promise" "I will never betray you for any reason."" "Eleanor, I swear that I will never say or do anything to cause you any harm." "Good." "Because those aren't my memories." "I wasn't a lawyer." "I never went to the Ukraine." "I hate clowns." "There's been a big mistake." "I'm not supposed to be here." "Wait, what?" "Are you sure this isn't you?" "Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure" "I wasn't a death row lawyer who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans." "They got my name right, but nothing else." "I mean, somebody royally forked up." "Somebody forked up." "Why can't I say "fork"?" "If you're trying to curse, you can't here." "I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited." "That's bullshirt." "So, uh, if you're not this person, then who are you?" "What did you do for a living?" "I was... in... sales." "So we sell two products here," "NasaPRO and NasaPRO Silver." "We aim this at seniors." "Now, you can't legally call it medicine because it doesn't technically work and it is technically chalk, so what you're gonna want to do..." "You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake medicine." "I get it, man." "Which one's my desk?" "So your job was to defraud the elderly?" "Sorry... the sick and elderly?" "But I was very good at it." "I was the top salesperson five years running." "Okay, but that's worse." "I mean, you... you do get how that's worse?" " Right?" " Mm." "You know, maybe... it's a test." "Maybe if you go to Michael and you tell him the truth, you'll pass the test and you'll get to stay." "No way." "I can't risk going to the Bad Place." "Okay, well, maybe it's not actually, like, all that bad." "Let's just get some information first." "We'll ask Janet." "Hey, Janet?" " Hi there." " Gah!" "How can I help you?" "What the fork?" "Who are you?" "I'm Janet." "I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place." "She's like this walking database." "You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history..." "Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002." "His name was Kevin Paltonic." " Is he gay?" " No." "Really?" "Huh." "I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me." "That's correct." "Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway." " Yes, you were." " Okay, Janet," " I have a question." " Okay." "What is the Bad Place like?" "Oh, sorry, that is the one topic" "I'm not allowed to tell you about." "I can only play you a brief audio clip of what is happening there right now." "Okay." "The bear has two mouths!" "Well, it doesn't sound awesome." "Does everyone have a huge house except me?" "All right, we need a plan." "I say we just lie low and hope that they don't notice me." "I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you." "I just don't like being dishonest, and I can't advise you to be dishonest either." "Come on, I'm just asking you to fudge a little bit." "You must've told a few white lies in your life." "I mean, what was your job?" "I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy." "Motherforker!" "I'm getting a stomachache." "I'm in a perfect utopia, and I'm..." "I have a stomachache." "This is awful." "I-I, uh..." "I think I have to tell Michael about this." "Tell Michael about what?" "Michael?" "Hi." "What have you been up to?" "Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet" "Tahani and Jianyu." "They are soul mates and your next-door neighbors." "Hello." "Can I just say I love your house?" "It's just so tiny and cute." "It's like a little child's plaything, like for a family of mice or for a very fancy little dog." "I love it." "It's just so sweet and teensy." "Just like you." "Boop." " Oh." " Oh." "You booped me." "Ha-ha." " I did." " That's fun." "Tahani and Jianyu are having a little welcome party tonight, and they've invited the entire neighborhood." "I simply adore entertaining." "Don't I just adore it, Jianyu?" "Oh, um, yes, by the way," "Jianyu here is a Buddhist monk, you see?" "And he obeys a strict code of silence." "So when you see him smiling and nodding, that's actually his way of jumping up and down with glee." "Isn't that right, darling?" "So we'll see you tonight?" " Great." " Yes." "No way." "My entire house could fit in this room." "Okay, uh... help me out here." "Tell me one good thing that you did on Earth, just one truly kind and decent act so that I can feel better about helping you out." "Let's forget about good." "Um, just tell me something neutral about yourself." "Like, tell me about the day before you died." "What do you remember?" "Hi there." "Do you have a second to talk about the environment?" "Do you have a second to eat my farts?" "You missed." "Pick it up if you're so horny for the environment." "I don't remember anything specific." " Oh." " Look." "I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody." "I wasn't an arsonist." "I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground." "Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that." "All I'm saying is these people might be "good,"" "but are they really that much better than me?" "Well, I spent half my life in North Korea fighting for women's rights and the other half in Saudi Arabia fighting for gay rights." "So we said, "If the U.N. won't remove those land mines, we will."" "And we dug up over a thousand unexploded land mines from the area surrounding the orphanage." "Well, then he said," ""You can't give me both your kidneys; you'll die."" "And I said, "But you will live."" "And I know we just met on this bus ten minutes ago, but he seemed nice." "Oh, forget it." "Heading to the bar!" "Thank you, thank you." "You all know that I am the architect of this neighborhood." "But what you don't know is..." "Golly, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but, um, oh, what the heck?" "This is actually the very first neighborhood that I have ever designed." "I had been an apprentice for over 200 years, and my boss has finally given me my first solo project." "Yes!" "Ah, gah-gah... gah-gah-gah." "Hold on there, ace." "Let me get more of them shrampies." " Okay, easy." " What?" "They're for everybody, right?" "Yes, exactly." "And you deserve a perfect world because every single one of you is a good person." "That's it for me." "Back to you, Tahani." " Bravo, Michael, bravo!" " Thank you." "Um, and I would just like to quickly say if any of you would like to play tennis tonight, we have 36 regulation grass tennis courts." "Such fun." "Cheers." "Tahani, what a condescending bench." " Okay, okay, okay, okay." " Am I right?" "Why does she still have that British accent, right?" "No one else here has an accent." "She's choosing to have that accent." " Shh-shh-shh-shh." " "Oh, hello." ""I am just a big, beautiful, utterly perfect cartoon giraffe."" "Oh, okay." "Okay." "I think it's time to go home." "Wait, wait, wait." "I just have to go upstairs real quick and steal a bunch of gold stuff." "Okay, don't do that." "Don't do... no, Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor." "Hello, creepy house that I hate." "Hello, one million clowns." "Why aren't there stairs here?" "What kind of weirdo house is this?" "Ooh." "Did you fill your bra with shrimp?" "No." "Yes." "Whatever, it's freakin' heaven." "I'm sure they have plenty of shellfish." "That Tahani is a real butthead, huh?" "Hey." "At least I can still say "butthead."" "She is a butthead." "Found some pajamas." "Chidi..." "Chidi, Chidi?" "I'm sorry that you had to deal with this..." "It's okay." "It's not, though." "Do you think anybody cared that I died?" "Maybe someone did." "I don't know." "I was an only child." "My parents were divorced when I was a kid." "They were both crummy people, so they're probably... in the Bad Place." "Maybe they're being used to torture each other." "It would work." "I bet way more people cared that you died." "'Cause you're a nice person." "You're a nice person, Chidi..." "Anaconda." "Anagonye." "Aganocomonga." "Anagonye." " Ags... say it again." " Anagonye." "No, say what you said before." "I did." "It's Anagonye." "You just changed it." "I didn't change it; it's my name." "Argrugande." "Ariana Grande." "That's a person." "I did it." "Good night." "Good night." "Well, that's terrifying." "That can't be good." "Oh, fork." " Michael." " Mm?" "Is that giant, terrifying ladybug supposed to be there?" "Ah, well, great question, Tahani." "No." "No, it's not." "I have no idea why any of this is happening or how to control it." "Should we run away then?" "Yes." "Righto." "Chidi, Chidi!" "What's going on?" "Why are there giant animals everywhere?" "Do you hear Ariana Grande playing?" "Why is everyone wearing blue and yellow?" "You're not." "You're... you're the only one who's not." "Eleanor, this is all happening because of you." "Ah, fork me." "Okay, okay." "We don't know this is because of me." "Eleanor, this place is a perfectly made Swiss watch, and you are a wrench in the gears." "Actually, you're a hammer, just smashing the gears into dust." "Oh, hang on." "Not everybody here is perfect, okay?" "Tahani is totally condescending." "And there are a couple of, you know, chunksters." "Oh, come on!" "No judgment." "I'm just saying" "I'm not the only one with flaws." "So how can we be sure this is my fault?" "You hogged all the shrimp, and now there are shrimp flying around." "You called Tahani a giraffe, and now there are giraffes everywhere." "Okay, fine, turns out there are many ways to know that it was me." "Let's just face it, Eleanor, you don't belong here." "Well, then this system sucks." "What, one in a million gets to live in paradise and everyone else is tortured for eternity?" "Come on." "I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay." "I was a medium person." "I should get to spend eternity in a medium place!" "Like Cincinnati." "Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati." "Look, apparently it doesn't work that way." "I'm sorry, Eleanor, but there's nothing anyone can do." "Unless... there is something we can do." "Unless you could teach me." "Teach you what?" "How to be good." "That was your job, right?" "A professor of ethics?" "No one knew I was a problem when I arrived." "Things only started getting crazy after I was an ash-hole to everyone at the party." "You know I'm trying to say "ash-hole"" "and not "ash-hole," right?" "I got that, yes." "Okay, give me a chance." "Let me earn my place here." "Let me be your ethical guinea pig." "Hey, guys!" "Uh, emergency neighborhood meeting, now!" "We'll be right there, Michael!" "If I walk out of here in these clothes," "I'm toast." "My soul is in your hands, soul mate." "What's it gonna be?" "Oh, stomachache." "_" "I, uh..." "I don't know what to do here." "This is a mess, morally speaking." "This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup." "Okay, well how about we just chill and go to the town meeting and talk it out after?" " W..." " Great." "Hey, how do I make that helper woman show up?" "Hello?" "Front desk lady?" "Magical slave robot?" "Excuse me, Janet?" "Hi there." "Gah... still not used to it." "Um, Janet, I need... quick question:" "can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot male man from your work computer?" "It is 100% confidential." "No one can access what you ask me, including Michael." "Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?" "No." "No, no, no, not porn." "I, um..." "I need clothes like yours and Chidi's with the stripes." "There you go." "Everybody, everybody!" "Uh, gather round, please, thank you, thank you." "Obviously, there's something very wrong with this neighborhood." "We don't know what it is, how long it will last, or what caused it." "What do we know, Janet?" "We know where it happened." "Here." "Yes, thank you, Janet." "The chaos happened here." "See, that's the trouble with these perfect systems." "One little flaw can lead to... well, it can lead to" "Gary over there." "Hey, Gary." "Hang in there, buddy." "Boy, my armpits are leaking." "What is that called again?" " Sweat." " Right, right." "Still not used to being in a human body." "And what do you do with sweat?" "Do... do you lick it away, is that right?" "No, you dab it with a cloth." "Oh, right." "And then you lick the cloth?" "That seems weirder." "Michael." "Look!" "Okay." "That's a good sign." "It... it could mean that this is almost over." "Oh, such a relief." "That was my first time as a fashion "don't,"" "and I did not care for it." "Okay, I think it is time to make me good, partner." "How do we do it?" "Is there a pill I can take or something I could vape?" "Where did you get a chalkboard?" "It's the Good Place;" "you can get anything you want at any time." "And you chose a chalkboard?" "What are you reading?" ""The Metaphysics of Morals" by Immanuel Kant." "It's a treatise on the aesthetic preconditions of the mind's receptivity to duty." "A book on how to act good." "Oh, great!" "So you've decided to help me?" "I don't know." "There's a thousand questions." "Is there a moral imperative to help you?" "Do I have a greater obligation to my community?" "Are you taking someone else's spot, someone who deserves to be here?" "Ooh, on that question," "I honestly think" "I was just put here by mistake." "Because Michael called me Eleanor Shellstrop, so he knows I'm me." "He's just wrong about my overall "quality" level." "Please, help me, man." "I swear I am worth it." "Tell me one fact that you know about me." "I mean, we spent the whole day together." "You must remember something." "What country am I from?" "Is it racist if I say Africa?" "Yes, and Africa is not a country." "I am from Senegal." "Do I have any siblings?" "Where did I go to college?" "Trick question." "You didn't." "I was literally a college professor." "Do you not remember one single thing about me?" "Dude, things have been nuts around here." "I bet you don't know anything about me." "You were born in Phoenix." "You went to school in Tempe." "You're an only child." "Your favorite show is something called" ""The Real Housewives of Atlanta,"" "and your favorite... book is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed." "How did you know all that?" "Because you are constantly talking about yourself." "You are the most self-obsessed person" "I have ever met." "You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed." "Okay, this is my fear about you, Eleanor." "You are too selfish to ever be a good person." "Well, I think you're wrong." "What country am I from, again?" "Sen... sodyne." "That is a brand of toothpaste." "Look, the only thing that you are concerned with is your own happiness." "That's your problem." "Okay, names in the hat." "Time to pick a designated driver." "And the loser is..." "Betsy." "Wait, you never get picked, and you're always the one who draws the name." " Let me see that." " There's no need." "Everyone here believes in my integrity 100%, right, guys?" "Give it to me." "For the record," "I did that out of principle, because it absolutely had your name on it." "If I check the other ones, I can figure it out by process of elimination." "All right, everyone, let's get started." "Things have settled down." "Whew!" "So hopefully, we're off and running." "Welcome to orientation, day two." "Now, today we're gonna start with something that everyone has always wanted to do." "Flying." "Now that you're dead, let's live a little, right?" "Uh, sorry." "Uh, Michael?" "If... if I might?" "I was just thinking, earlier today in all of the chaos, large swaths of this neighborhood were destroyed." "We thought perhaps some of us could, uh, volunteer to help clean up the debris." "You know, it's quite a fun way to band together as a community, isn't that right, Jianyu?" "Oh, uh, yeah, sorry." "For those of you who don't know, my soul mate, Jianyu here, is a Buddhist monk." "He took a vow of silence that he's still observing, even here, in the Good Place." "It's truly inspiring." "Well, Tahani, it's not really your job to clean up, but I suppose there's no harm if you really want to." "Oh, well, hurrah." "We need about, uh, 12 volunteers." "Oh!" "I can't believe all these people are passing on flying to pick up garbage all day." "Have fun, nerds." "I'll be soaring through the air like a forking' bird." "Eleanor and I would love to help." "Ah, hurrah-hurrah, yay." "Dude." "You want to prove you're not selfish?" "Here's the perfect test." "There's something fun that you want to do, and then there's something less fun that people are doing for the common good." "Which do you choose?" "Have fun." "Whoo!" "Hey!" "Yeah!" "Whee!" "Hey, up there, having fun, or does it maybe suck, probably?" "I'd say it's like 50 million simultaneous orgasms, but better." "How's volunteer garbage pickup?" " About the same." " Great!" "Whee!" "You know, this really reminds me of my time in Vietnam, picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana." "Doesn't really matter of what she's a princess of." "It's not really important." "Tahani!" "How goes the cleaning?" "Oh, swimmingly, Michael." "And I have to say this neighborhood that you've built is truly a masterpiece, the likes of which I've never seen." "And I've been to Johnny Depp's private bird sanctuary." "Well, thank you." "That's very kind of you to say." "But it's also dead wrong." "This neighborhood is a disaster." "See, I must have made a mistake somewhere." "And it led to all this chaos, and now I'm just..." "I'm just terrified that it's gonna happen again." "I'm trying to put a good face on well, this... this face that I've constructed for myself." "But the truth is," "I..." "I'm just miserable." "I have to go." "Thank you so much for your service." "Oh, no." "Powerful people do not handle failure well." "Michael could be heading for a total meltdown." "Soul mate, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Should we say it at the same time?" "All right." "One, two, three." "We must help Michael." "Oh, you sly devil." "You're going to keep me on my toes, aren't you?" "All right, come on." "Let's go." " Oh." " Ooh." "Hey, Gunnar!" "Hey, Antonio!" "Hey, Eleanor." " Isn't this great?" " Um, yeah." "When I thought of the afterlife," "I totally pictured being an unpaid, non-flying janitor." "Us too!" "You guys are so fun." "Just relentlessly fun." "I keep thinking, "When are they gonna stop being fun?"" "And the answer is never." "You're never gonna stop." "Well, I have had a pretty full day of being unselfish." "I've made some new friends." "My area's almost garbage-free." "So you're gonna help me figure out how to stay, right?" "Well, that is a really tough question." "Most great philosophers would say helping you is pointless, that you can't try to be good, especially when your motivations are so obviously corrupt." "Yeah, but what do most great philosophers know?" "On the other hand, Aristotle thought that moral virtue is something that you could get better at." "He... he compared it to playing the flute." "The more you practice, the more you improve." "Aristotle!" "That's my boy, right there." "He was the best." "I mean, most people agree he was the best one." "So it sounds to me like you are on board the "help Eleanor" train." "Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities:" "yes and no." "Well, no worries." "Just hit me up when you're done weighing my life in your hands." "I'll just keep doing what I do best:" "being super considerate and selfless." "Hey, guys." "Okay, Eleanor, reminder." "We switched to a rotating system for choosing a designated driver, and it's your turn." "Got it." "Full disclosure," "I forgot we were doing this new system." "I got off work early." "I've been here for about an hour, and I'm already pretty drunk." "Someone else will do it." "Good call." "Guess the only place I'll be driving is through the giant loophole in the system I accidentally discovered." "Beep!" "Beep!" "Whoo!" "Whoa!" "I can't believe they've managed to mix one million flavors together, and yet, somehow, I can taste each individual one." "It's remarkable." "I got no-flavor." " It's all I deserve, really." " No." "Look, I..." "I appreciate you trying to cheer me up." "I really do, but you don't understand." "This was the very first neighborhood that I got to design." "It was my chance to prove myself, and now I've blown it." "You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful, like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is." "Oh, Tahani, if I made one tiny mistake in my design, if there's a single glitch in the system, if even one blade of grass is angled a... a fraction of a degree off..." "The whole neighborhood is compromised." "Whose dog is that?" "Guys, whose dog is that?" "Whose dog is that?" "See, this is one of those glitches I was talking about." "Nice try, puppy!" "Whew!" "That was a close one." "Teacup?" "Hey, have you seen my dog?" "Shouldn't these be magical trash bags?" "Five more minutes, flyers!" "Five more minutes!" "Oh, man, really?" "Janet, I'm finished with cleanup, and I'm ready to fly." " How do I start?" " Hop on the launch pad and conjure an image that brings you pure joy." "Some people think of their wedding day or favorite vacation spot." "People puking on roller coasters." "People puking on roller coasters." "It's working!" "Ow!" "What the fork?" "Janet, any chance this is a scheduled trash storm?" "So here's the situation, Pevita." "I kind of kicked your dog into the sun." "But I got her back." "Everything... everything seems fine." "Teacup, thank goodness you're okay." "Everyone, it is merely a construct of a dog." "It feels no pain or joy or love." "Teacup doesn't love me?" "Oh!" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it definitely feels love." "Do you actually want a dog that loves you a little bit more?" "Because I can kick her right back into the sun and get you another one just like that." " No!" " Oh, boy." "I'm making things worse." "Okay, all right, that's all right." "Breathe." "Breathe... do you breathe?" " Mm-hmm." " If you do, then just breathe 'cause everything's fine, Michael, it's fine." "Ooh!" "It's raining garbage." "Run!" "Ooh, ooh, no, no, no, I'm gonna run this way." "Chidi!" "Hey." "Before you say anything..." "That's it, I just don't want you to say anything." " What did you do?" " Nothing!" "It just started raining trash out of nowhere for no reason at all." "Oh... okay, fine, fine." "My bag broke, and I ditched the trash instead of taking it all the way to the dumpster." "But in my defense, there were only five minutes left in flying and I wanted to go flying." "How is that a defense?" "You made a bad choice." "I made a bad choice?" "We could have literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals." "I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman." "This is a relief." "I can stop my deliberations." "You're a selfish person, and it is pointless to help you." "You are on your own." "Oh, man." "How 'bout this trash storm, Gunnar?" "More cleaning up to do." "It's a... it's a dream come true." "We're okay!" "You can't die here." "Come on, I mean, even you have to admit, those guys are psycho." "I don't know what's happening to me." "I mean, it's my duty to be calm and in control and I'm falling apart." "No, Michael, you are a paragon of fortitude." "You're a mountain of strength." "I'm not a mountain of strength." "I'm a canyon full of poo-poo." "Jianyu, the architect of this neighborhood has just referred to himself as a canyon full of poo-poo." "Surely now, you will say something?" "Grace us with your vocalized wisdom." "Please, I'm begging you." "Oh." "Yes, yes, I understand." "The strength is inside me." "It's been there all along." "No, of course, I can overcome any obstacle." "Oh, thank you, Jianyu, thank you." "I'm back." "You did it." "Oh, you have so much to teach me." "Maybe I should try to be silent too." "No really, look." "Here I go." "Oh!" "That was wonderful!" "So cleansing." "Just water tonight, huh?" "Designated driver?" "Yeah, it sucks." "I think it's awesome." "I mean, someone's got to do it, right?" "I think it's a cool thing to do for people." "Yeah." "No... no, I meant..." "I meant..." "I... it sucks that I can't do it more often, you know?" "I actually prefer it to drinking." "Staying sober and knowing my friends will get home safe, that's my buzz." "Hey, guys, good news and bad news." "See that hot bartender over there?" "He's into me, and we're gonna bang it out." "The bad news is, it means I can't drive you guys home." "But I did call a cab for you guys." "But they recognized my number, and they didn't want to come." "I've thrown up in a lot of cabs." "So are we good here?" "Eleanor, you have a very important choice to make." "If you blow us off, you are banned from Thursday night drinks forever." "Yeah, I'm good with that." "I'll see you guys at work." "Peace!" "You, let's go." "Hey." "How did you know I was here?" "I saw you from my window." "That's where I live, by the way." "Not that you ever asked." "What are you doing?" "I went to all the places where I dumped trash earlier and cleaned it up so it couldn't be traced back to me." "Well, it looks like you cleaned up everything." "You're doing this because you feel bad." "And you're not even doing it to get me to help you anymore because I told you that's not gonna happen." "Okay, yeah, fine, I felt bad for stupid Gunnar and stupider Antonio and the whole neighborhood." "I felt bad about what I did." "It was a weird feeling." "Not used to it." "Didn't love it." "Well, feeling remorse about being wrong isn't as good as just doing something right, but it's a start." "Look, I think you're capable of change." "And I will help you try." "Oh, wow, man," "I swear I won't let you down." "Hi there." "I've collected the worst-smelling garbage that I could find." "Do you still want me to dump it inside of Antonio's house?" "What?" "No." "I did not tell you to do that." "You are loco, girlfriend." "Okay, I won't let you down starting now." "Ah, Eleanor." " Good morning." " Michael." "Do you know what the best part about this place is?" "You figured out how to make a to-go cup that doesn't leak right where the seam meets the lid." "Oh, I'm so glad you noticed." "I was very proud of that." "One of the hardest problems I had to solve." "Eleanor," "I know what you did." "Cleaning up the entire neighborhood by yourself." "I knew you were special, but this is proof." "Enjoy your coffee." "And the cup." "Okay, let's begin your "good person" lessons." "You got a long way to go to pull this off." "It will take hours and hours of studying ethics and moral philosophy." "We're gonna have assignments and quizzes and papers." "It's gonna be so much fun." "Remind me what I'm getting out of this again." "You get to avoid eternal damnation." "Oh, yeah." "Right." "Hey, I got you a present." "What?" "Senegal." "That's not a present;" "that's just common decency." "Yeah, but I forking' nailed it." "Good talk." "_" "Ah, shirt."