"Once in every decade comes a motion picture milestone, more spine chilling than White Heather Club, more brutal than Sanctuary, more confusing than Christopher Mousejournal meets the Tweezer People." "Co-starring dusky tigress Marty Feldman as winsome childmobster Babyface Lipsalve and snakehipped, stoatgroined Graham Chapman... as rival gang boss 'Diamond' Albert Nosefetish." "They give a whole new meaning to the word "yugh"." "Quit stalling Diamond." "When did Prussia first acquire the hegemony of the North Germanic confederation?" " 1866." "Correct." "What is the angle of the plane of movement of the two outer and brighter of the four main satellites of Uranus with the eliptic?" " 82 degrees." "Correct." "What is the square root of 7974?" "89,3." "Correct." "Alright Diamond, I don't want to do this, but I'm gonna kill you." " Why?" " You know too much." "At Last, The 1948 Show." "Hello, I'm the lovely..." " Get in the cake." "Do what, darling?" " Get into the cake." "Hello, I'm the lovely Aimi ooh!" "I'm sorry but I'm stuck!" "Anyway, I'm the lovely Aimi Macdonald, and it's not my day really." "But I'd better introduce the show." "Ladies and gentlemen:" "The show." "Those are fine." "How much are they?" "39/11." "Good, well I'll take one." " Just one?" "Oh my god, does it have to be just one?" " Well I only need one." "Right, just the one shirt it is then." "Just the one." "Oh my god..." "Is anything the matter?" "Couldn't you buy more than one shirt, two shirts please otherwise I'm finished!" "I don't sell enough shirts, unless I do better I'm going to be fired." "My wife's just left me, and without I've got nothing to live for." "And now I'm going to lose my job, unless I sell more shirts." "Please buy more shirts!" "My dear fellow..." "I'm sorry, that was inexcusable, I don't know what came over me." "I'm alright now." "Just the one shirt it is then sir?" " Yes." "No no, I do need more than one, really." "That's very kind but you just asked for one shirt." "Oh no no, but that's silly, just popping in here to buy one silly little shirt." "I need half a dozen." "Thank you, but you're just trying to be kind." "Good heavens, no no, I really need half a dozen." "I couldn't ask you to, not after I broke down just now..." "Broke down?" "Call that breaking down?" "Good heavens!" "You should see the way we carry on at the bank." "I mean, some people, the average person, wouldn't noticed you just now, it's just that" "I've trained myself to be a little extra observant." "Nobody has ever been this kind to me before." "Thank you!" "Is someone serving you sir?" " Yes, and splendidly too." "Young Philip?" "Fair-haired boy this tall?" "He didn't break down again, did he?" " No, no no, good heavens no." "He seemed a little bit upset." "His wife left him." "You know?" " Yes." "I see." "It's not often that people..." "understand." "It's not easy in the shop you know." "The owner is a pretty hard man." "I'm sorry." " Thank you." "You know... there's something unusal about you." "I only came in to buy a shirt." " Yes, but you understand." "Are those the shirts for this gentlemen, Philip?" "I think I know what I can do to express my gratitude." "Rogers, get the silk shirts." "Which ones sir?" "THE silk shirts." " Not THE silk shirts, sir?" "You heard what I said Rogers." " But they're the duke of Walton's sir." "I know that." "Get them." "He's coming to get them this afternoon, sir." "What will we tell his grace, sir?" "We'll just have to say they're not ready yet." "You bloody fool, you'll get us all the sack!" "Get them!" " Yes, get them Rogers, I've had enough of this place!" "Good man Philip." " I'm not taking any more of it!" "Neither am I, I just want to help this gentleman and then I'm going to walk out of this hell hole with my head held high." "Put them here Rogers." " You can't do this Fenton." "Can't I?" "And who's going to stop me?" " I am." " You are?" "Yes, you're mad, Fenton, you can't let him have these!" "Give those shirts to me." "No." "Right, I'm coming to get them." " No, please!" "This is a good man, Rogers, and I'm going to help him if it's the one decent thing I've ever done." "It's not too late to start a new life." "These are your shirts, sir." " They're very nice." "Don't thank me." "Today, you've taught me something." "How... how much are they?" "How much?" "Ten, no five pounds each." "What does it matter now?" "You can't let him have those shirts for 5 pounds!" "They're thirty guinea shirts!" "Shut up!" " You'll have us all put in prison." "I don't care!" "There you are, take them." "And you know something?" "I'm glad." "Glad, do you hear me." "Glad!" "Yes, but thirty pounds.." " Please, accept them." "Money..." "Goodbye, and thanks." " Yes, thanks." "Thank you, for the shirts." " Thank you, for everything." "We sold the shirts...!" "Some people have complained that this show is not satirical." "So the lovely Aimi Macdonald is going to be hard hitting and outspoken." "and prick the sacred cows of British pomposity." "Here goes:" "Mister Heath's got a glass leg." "Next week, mister Wilson's legs." "Now it's time for Britain's new number one quiz show:" "Have a double your golden jackpot." "And here's your genial master of ceremonies:" "Nosmo Claphanger." "Hello, we're all set for another half-hour of fun and embarassment." "And tonight we're in the town hall of the famous old city of Gooley before our usual audience." "It's a pity we can't get the cameras on them so that all of you at home could have a good laugh." "Who's an ugly audience?" "We are!" "Right, let's have the first greedy old couple who think they can outsmart me." "And the first greedy old couple are Mr. and Mrs. Stavaker... of Paddington New Town, Gloucestershire." "Well, I can't say how delighted I am to have you on the show, because I'm not." "Stavaker isn't it?" "That's a stupid name isn't it?" "Now come on, get on these marks, stop it, stop it." "Get on these marks." "That's right, that's right, there, good, where I don't have to look at you." "Now, how long have you been married?" "Forty years." " Forty years..." "Forty years to that old bat?" "My god, you're ugly woman, ugly ugly ugly!" "I suppose he got what he deserved." "Come on audience, have a laugh, make them feel rejected." "Come on." "Right." "Right now you, how old are you?" "73, Nosmo." "73, 73?" "Well, isn't that fan..." "Call me sir!" "73, good good, 73, well isn't that fantastic." "No it isn't, there's not a person here who looks a day under 95." "And now tell me sir, do you have a word of advice for the young people of today?" "Well I think the young..." "Who cares what you think, you boring turnip-faced old fool!" "Who cares what you think?" "I'm only asking these questions to fill in the time." "Tell me have you ever had an embarassing moment?" "Not till now." "Don't be clever!" "Don't get clever with me, we have ways of dealing with you afterwards!" "Now you're not nervous are you?" " Yes." "You are, oh good, we'll soon have you panick stricken, feel the mind go blank." "Now what subject do you want to answer questions about?" " Dressmaking." " Dressmaking." "Right, start the clock." "Dressmaking, right." "If 13 men take 10 days to dig a ditch, 37 by 45.5 feet wide, how long would it take for 37 men to dig a ditch half the size?" "Come on, come on!" "Do you understand the question?" " Could you repeat it?" "Repeat it?" "Good god, they're deaf as well, come on come on come on, alright." "What I asked was, who was the substitute right-back in the Serbo-Croatian football eleven in the 1913 Olympics?" "Come on, come on!" "Even I know that, come on!" "Oh my goodness, say Shovanovitsj." " Shovanovitsj, Shovanovitsj." " Wrong!" "Never mind, I'm in form tonight, never mind, alright, I'll give it to you." "I'll give it to you." "Right, which number prize do you want?" " We'd like to have prize num..." "Come on, make up your mind, make up your mind or I'll set the crossbow on you!" "Come on, which number?" " Number six." "Number 6, right, right, alright, you want number 6, you've chosen number 6 have you, you're sure you want number 6?" " Well I'm not sure..." " Why'd you say so then." "Get the bolt ready." "It's alright, doesn't matter, doesn't matter." "Alright I'll give you five pounds for number 6." "Five lovely pounds." "More money than you've seen in your miserable lives." "Yes, we want it." "Look at him drool, look at him snagger, the avarice of it all!" "Alright, you've turned down five pounds." "I'll double your money," "I'll double your money, I'll give you ten pounds." "Alright, alright: fifty pounds." "Right, a thousand pounds." "Alright, 20,000 pound. 20,000 beautiful crisp green crinkly smackers." "What shall I do audience?" " Give them number 6." "Shut up!" "What do you know." "Right, you're getting number 6." " Yes but they said..." "Who cares what they said." "Number six it is." "Right, now you remember you've turned down 20,000 pounds," "No we didn't..." "You remember the prizes." "There's the deluxe trip round the world for two, the twin screw luxury motor yacht, and this week's booby prize, a half-eaten ham sandwhich." "Laugh, audience!" "Right." "Now which one do you want, come on come on come on?" "We'd like to have the half-eaten ham sandwhich." "See we haven't eaten since the man brought us here and locked us up..." "Yes well we don't want to hear this maudlin nonsense." "Right." "Bad news I'm afraid, number 6 isn't the ham sandwhich, it is in fact the luxury yacht." "But I'm not going to give it to you, you wouldn't appreciate it." "I'm going to keep it because I haven't got one." "Right." "And now, it doesn't matter, never mind, you haven't won the luxury yacht, but you can have a go in lucky dip 66." "Alright, lucky dip 66." "I'll give you 60,000." " Yes we'll take it." " Alright, 30,000." " Yes yes yes yes." "Alright, my last offer, 1 and 4 pence." "Alright, you've turned it down, open 66." "Open lucky dip 66." "Right, open lucky dip 66." "Good." "That's the end of another session of homely fun." "Thank you very much indeed ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience." "Bye!" "Mister Briddick?" "I'm sorry about the door." "And the cups." " Not at all, sit down." "Mister..." "Wearing." "Sorry about the chair." " That's alright." "Now you've come to see me about insuring your life." "Well that's easy enough." "All I've got to know is whether you're a good life risk or whether you're what is known as" "accident prone." "I'm sorry about the other chair." "You see there's a lot of money at stake here so we do have to be careful..." "Lucky." " ...to make sure, we have to know how long our client is likely to live." "Oh dear." "I'm so sorry but I appear to have stabbed myself with the paper knife." "Oh no, it's alright, it's just been caught in the jacket." "How lucky." "Do sit down." " Thank you very much." "Alright Wearing, I'll teach you to play around with my wife." "Are you alright mister Wearing?" " Yes, fine, thank you, yes." "I'm used to do that and then he lays off for a couple of days." "Does he often do that?" "Yes, frequently, Sometimes I think I must be terribly lucky." "Ah good." "Hello miss Gomme." "Remind me please quickly, is this office on the ground floor?" "Yes sir." " Good." "Fine, you can go home now." "It's raining again." "Mister Wearing, I think we can waive the formalities, the medicals, family history and so on." "There's just the question of how much you'll have to pay each year." "I was thinking of a premium of 1500 pounds." " Oh, that's fine." "So if you'll just sign here." "Very good, thank you very much." " That covers me against almost anything?" "Oh yes, absolutely everything, except of course acts of god, and also death by flood, fire, earthquackes. nuclear war," "And red indians." "And now, here is an announcement in the public interest." "Good evening." "What I have to say concerns all dog owners." "Please remember that a high-pitched whiste, whilst inaudible to the human ear, can be very irritating to your dog." "Another good way to irritate him is to drop him in a bowl of treacle." "Hello, what's going on here then?" " We're robbing the shop." "I see." "Do you have the owner's permission?" " No" "Do you realise you're committing a criminal offence?" " 'Course." "No no no wait a minute." "What's going on here then?" "Do you have the owner's permission?" "Do you realise you're committing a criminal offence?" " Yes." "Well don't let it happen again." "Hello, still at it I see." " Yeah." "Burglers, are you?" " That's right." "I thought as much." "What have you got in that sack then?" " Jewels, look." "Burglers, jewels, there's something fishy going on here." "I must ask you to accompany me to the station." " No." "Right." "In that case I must ask you to remain here." "Right, leave this to me." "Now then, what's going on here then?" " We're robbing the shop." "Do you have the owner's permission?" " Ask him, we're busy." "Do they have the owner's permission?" " No." "Are they aware that they are committing a criminal offence?" " Yes." "Have you asked them to accompany you to the police station?" " Yes." "Right, we've covered it." " Goodnight." " Plan 53." " Right." "Surround them!" "Move in!" "Hello!" "They give us the slip." " So they done." "Never mind, they won't get away with it." " No, traffic wardens will get them." "What a noisy show." "Now for a moment of tranquility, when ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever on television" "I'm going to perform Hamlet's immortal soliloquy, whilst exectuing a tapdance." "One, two, three four." "To be or not to be, that is the question." "Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?" "Or by opposing end them?" "Next week:" "King Lear." "Excuse me sir." "Do you want a dram?" "My name's Angus." "You know, I like you." "How nice." "Who are you for, England or Shotland?" "Who are you supporting?" "I don't think I quite follow..." "Wie ben jij?" " My name is Feldman." "Are you for England?" " Yes, yes." "You do realize this is a ballet do you?" "What do you think we're here for you tatty bogle, the ice cream?" "Come on then, Scottish National Ballet!" "Scottish National Ballet!" "Who was that?" "Do you want your face smashed in?" "Don't you wave your program at me or I'll stuff it down your throat, you old bag." "Oh, we've got a lot of geese here." " Please be quiet." "Say that once more and you're dead." "Look at them." "Our lot will dance bloody rings round your lot." "You wait till you see Willie Fraser entrechat." "Fan-bloody-tastic!" "Quiet everyone, quiet, the music's starting." "Shut up." " Shut your mouth." "Is this your lot?" "Terrible." "Call that ballet?" "Our lot will tear your lot limb from limb!" "Get off!" "Get off off off off off!" "Is that wee one Nureyev?" "You're terrible, Nureyev." "Call that leaping, it's not even a hop?" "Go boil your head, Nureyev." "Here they come." "Come on, Scotland." "Hooray." " Hooray for Scotland." "Show them a real pas de bloody deux!" "Look, look look, Willie Fraser's going to do his entrechat." "Look, come on, Willie, come on." "Bloody great" "That's ballet." "Oh they've all gone quiet over there..." "Will you shut up." " You get a mouthful of headies?" "Come on, English Ballet." "We are the champions!" "I hardly like to say this, but this is the first time I've enjoyed ballet!"