"ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, please will you welcome onto the stage" "Simon Amstell!" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)" "hello." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(MAN WOLF-WHISTLING)" "Thank you." "How are you?" "Are you okay?" "You all right?" "well, this is fun, isn't it?" "This is sort of a fun thing to be doing." "This is fun." "It's fun, right?" "I'm quite lonely." "Let's start with that." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Nothing can be done about it, people of dublin." "Nothing can be done." "I bought a new flat about two years ago." "In this flat, in the bathroom, there are two sinks." "I thought that would bring me some joy." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It is a constant reminder." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And so what I've had to do..." "This is what I'm doing now in my Iife." "I'm actually doing this." "I'm using both sinks." "I now, every day, brush my teeth in the Ieft sink, and in the right one, mainly cry." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I think the problem comes from the inability to be purely in the moment without fear." "I think we're all stuck in the past, and looking to the future." "And it's in the moment where true joy exists." "It's in the moment where love can occur." "It's only in the moment where you can be fully at one with the universe." "I was in Paris recently, with a new group of people, one of which was quite a sort of kooky, interesting girl, although, in hindsight, not that interesting." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I always get fooled." "I always think, "Oh, she seems fascinating."" "Is she, Simon?" "Or does she just have short hair?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "completely fascinated, and I'm thinking, "Oh, I'II talk to her for the rest of my Iife."" "Bored after 10 minutes." ""You should grow your hair and stop misleading people."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So she suggests, at about 3:00 in the morning, that we all run up the Champs-EIysee, to the Arc de Triomphe." "And I guess telling you about that now, it sounds a little bit exciting and fun, but at the time, I just thought, "well, why would we do that?"" "And then, "What's the point?"" "And then, "When we get there, then what will we do with our lives?"" "And I'm sort of analysing what the point of it is, and, "We live that way, and it seems a Iong way to go."" "And everyone else is just not analysing, they're just running, and I'm running as well, because of the peer pressure, because I'm fun." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And we're all running and running, and everyone else, I think, is just at one with the moment, at one with joy, at one with the universe, and I'm there, as I'm running, thinking, "well, this'II probably make a good memory."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Which is living in the future, discussing the past with someone who, if they asked you, "Oh, what did it feel like?"," ""I don't know, I was thinking about what I'd say to you."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I think it comes from childhood." "When you're a child, you're free." "You're purely in the moment." "You're not worried." "It doesn't even occur to you what other people might think of you." "You don't analyse every moment." "You just live, moment to moment." "And then something happens where you realise you have to think before you act." "We get taught we have to think before we act." "When I was 15..." "And this happened when I was 15, but I think it's too odd a story if I was 15, so I think it's better if we say I was 1 1 ." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was in my grandparents' house, and I used to have quite a good relationship with my grandma." "She used to really validate me and my Iife." "I used to do little drawings and doodles, and she'd say, "Oh, that's nice."" "I'd do another drawing, "Oh, that's nice." Another drawing, "Oh, that's nice."" "And at one point, I distrusted the consistency of her reviews." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I did a deliberately bad drawing to see what she would say." "She said, "Oh, that's nice."" "And I thought, "I can't deal with this inauthentic sycophant."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So one day..." "And I know now that I did this because I wanted to do something where she couldn't validate it, where she couldn't say, "Oh, that's nice."" "But when I did it, it was purely unconscious, it was purely in the moment." "One day, I ran up to my grandma, and I mooned my grandma." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "well, I was only 1 1 ." "I'm just 1 1 ." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It wasn't even like a cheeky, playful little moon and run away, funny, funny." "It was a violent bend-over, "Here's my arsehole, Grandma,"" "and apparently a bit of balls as well, a little bit of balls." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "She didn't say, "Oh, that's nice."" "although I think she wanted to because she's generous and encouraging." "She just couldn't quite get there with my arsehole in her face." "She ended up saying, "Oh, okay."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But still encouraging, still a sort of, "Oh, I see what you were going for."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So that's why I can't enjoy Paris." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I did fall in love about five years ago." "fell in love five years ago, but with somebody I invented, which isn't ideal." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And he was based on somebody who existed, but because I had such low seIf-esteem," "I took every negative attribute I felt about myself, converted those into positive attributes and projected those onto him." "Thus he would heal me and complete me in my Iife." "initially, I just liked him because he was really thin." "I really liked that." "Like, thinner than me, iII-thin." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I don't know why I liked that." "I just liked the idea I couId go on a date with someone and it could be their last date." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "A Iot of it is narcissism, really." "My type..." "I realised my type is me, but better." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Which I think is okay." "I just need to find somebody who wants himself, but much, much worse." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I went to see him in this play that he was in, and he was really vulnerable on stage, and I really like..." "vulnerability, to me, is quite sexually appealing." "I don't know if you..." "Like, you know there are people who are more like," ""well, we know what we're doing." ""We've done it before, we'II do it again." "Everything's fine."" "To me, it's much more sexy if someone's a bit more," ""Oh, I feel faint." You know?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It's hot, right?" "So... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I went to see this play on the press night so I couId perhaps meet him afterwards - and weeks had been building up to this moment - and all I couId manage when I saw him at the party was a kind of polite nod." "And I don't know if he saw it." "He didn't nod back." "And then I felt awkward about approaching him at all." "And an hour went past, and I couldn't approach him." "And then I saw him leave." "I saw him leave the theatre, his rucksack on his back, his little beanie hat on his head, and as he got further and further away, it became harder and harder to move, and he was gone, gone." "Three weeks go by of sadness, pain, regret." "I've turned him into the only person I can possibly be with in my Iife." "A Iot of it was ego." "I just felt like he was going to become a great actor." "He could make people cry." "And I couId become a great comedian, and make people laugh." "And if we were together... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) ...we could be like a two-man Robin williams." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "AII the talent of Robin williams, but in two separate thin men." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I didn't know how I was going to meet him again." "And then I was in a shop in Covent Garden that sells vintage clothing, and he was there in the shop." "I felt, in that moment, that God had brought us together." "I don't feel that now so much because it feels like the thought of a deluded moron, and... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I don't want to attack religious people who may be here this evening." "It feels like a sort of unkind thing to do, to attack religious people, and it feels..." "You know, it feels too easy, and like the battle's already been won, and... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "No, but..." "But really, it just feels rude." "Like, if you're at a party and someone says, you know, you get into a conversation and someone says, "I'm a Christian, I'm a muslim, I'm a Jew,"" "it's very rude there to say, "Oh, how ridiculous!"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I feel, at this point, we have to treat people with kindness and love and respect, in the same way you treat a child running around a party saying, "I'm a helicopter."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Say to them..." "Say, "Good for you!" "We're all having fun!" "I'm a choo-choo train!"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I'm not an atheist." "Like, I'm a big fan of Jesus Christ." "There's nobody more thin or vulnerable than Jesus Christ." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And he's bleeding as well." "It's very clever of them." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But I'm not an atheist for this reason." "This is the main reason I'm not an atheist." "I think I'm God a bit, and here's why." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And that's the sort of thing I can say here but I can't really say at a dinner party, because people will say, "well, why have you got hummus on your chin?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Because it's sort of seemingly arrogant and blasphemous." "I don't think it's blasphemous." "Speaking as God, I'm not offended." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But I feel..." "He..." "That actor was in that shop at the same time as me." "I don't believe in coincidence." "I think coincidence is a word we invented for something we don't quite understand yet." "On the cover of this book is a blue feather, because the characterlauthor of this book believes in the philosophy "thinking makes it so." ""We create our own reality."" "He tests this by visualising a blue feather in his fingers." "He believes, Iike Buddhists, that everything has already been achieved." "Time is an illusion." "So if he feels he has the blue feather already, it will come to him because there's nothing opposing that idea." "Later in the book, the blue feather appears." "I tested this myself with a white feather." "I felt I had the white feather in my fingers." "Not that I needed the white feather or desired the white feather, it had already been achieved." "Later, I was at a picnic, I put my hand in a packet of crisps, which is something I wouldn't normally do." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I pulled out a crisp with a white feather on." "Which is disgusting." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But there he was in the shop." "And I don't know how you feel." "Maybe you think, "well, he walked into that shop" ""at the same time as you with his own legs."" "No, I put him in that shop with my God-mind." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Now, some people will say, "well, you know, if we do create our own reality," ""what about the holocaust?" "What about victims of child abuse?" ""Do they create that in their world?"" "And the thing you have to understand about that is..." "Shh!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "For whatever reason he was in that shop, I knew I had to approach him, because this was a moment, and I couldn't have any more regret." "Um, I also knew I couldn't go up to him with my personality." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I don't know if you can tell fully, from the tone of my voice, this is not a voice that lends itself to getting sex or relationships." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "What you need is a less anxious, a cooler voice." "Like, I don't know why there's still so much anxiety in my Iife." "The other day, a guy approached me, and I wasn't sure if I'd met him before or not, and in the panic of the moment, I just said, "I've got that jumper."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I didn't." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I went out with someone..." "I went out with someone for quite a while who wasn't that keen on that aspect of my personality." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And we were in a supermarket together, and a friend of his, who I hadn't met before, approached us, and because I hadn't met this guy before, I got instantly nervous." "The friend says, "Oh, what are you up to?"" "And I say, "Oh, a bit of shopping." "We've got a pineapple."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "An hour passes, and then the boyfriend says to me, "What's wrong with you?" ""Why do you always have to..." ""Why do you always have to try to be so funny all the time?"" "I said, "well, it wasn't funny, it was factual."" "I said, "There was a pineapple."" "He said, "You deliberately chose the most humorous object in the trolley."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""well, I'm gifted."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So awkward all the time, a ridiculous way to be." "But there's this feeling of, even though I believe that we're all one," "I still feel a constant detachment, even with people who I'm close to." "Like, my mum and I have got a good relationship, but there's a detachment, there's an inauthenticity to every conversation." "I feel like I should be able to tell her anything, but there's a sort of awkwardness to it, on the phone." "And I think it's because I came out of her vagina, and that's..." "That's sort of always there, you know?" ""Oh, have you done your council tax, Simon?"" ""Mum, I came out of your vagina." ""Let's not pretend that's a normal thing to have happened."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""I came out of your vagina, I sucked on your tits, you want to talk about tax?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And my grandma as well, whom I got on with quite well, still, an awkwardness, I think because my mum came out of her," "I came out of my mum, it's like a Russian-doII awkwardness." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I didn't want to be that person any more." "I didn't want to be that guy in front of this actor." "In my ideal world, I would have been able to go up to him, and just say," ""Hey, how are you?" "I saw your play the other week." "It was great."" ""Oh, thank you." "Oh, of course." "I remember the nod."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Why are you crying?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""I've got too many sinks."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" ""I don't know why, but I feel I need to ask you" ""if you'd Iike to go and get some coffee with me or a juice or something, and..." ""And I don't know, maybe if that works out, we could move to the country together."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Okay, well, Iet me just purchase this effortlessly cool cardigan" ""and we can talk to an estate agent."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Here's what actually happened." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Because of my personality." "I saw him there, he hadn't seen me." "He was about a metre away from me." "There, that thin." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And what I thought..." "For some reason, what I thought would be really cool and seductive would be to just stand in the middle of the shop and shout his full name." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He turned round, alarmed." "I couId see the terror in his eyes, but because I'd started at a certain volume, I thought it'd be too odd to get any quieter." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I'm then just shouting about the good reviews this play has had and he's going, "Oh, I don't really read reviews."" "And he's all timid and vulnerable, which is why I Iove him." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I think the difference between us, because I think we were both quite shy as children..." "I say, "I think"" " I did a Iot of research on him." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But he retained that shyness, and it makes him beautiful and sensitive, and I decided shyness was something to be overcome, and I think it's in our training." "He went to a really good acting school in London where he was taught to nourish his sensitivity, to nurture his vulnerability, and that's what makes him a great actor." "I went to Saturday-morning stage school in Essex, where we were taught that whether we were singing, dancing or acting, just do it loud." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I didn't become good at any of those things." "But when I danced, people heard." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "So I'm there, still shouting at him." "And I realise I've got to make some sort of lasting connection with him." "I ask, it occurs to me to ask," ""You must be very busy at the moment, but do you have a night off?"" "He says, "I have Monday nights off."" ""I know a very cool club night that happens on Mondays."" "It's very cool to me, 'cause it's such a contrast to the Essex nightclub I went to for three years, in Romford." "Three years, between the ages of 18 and 21 ." "Three years, every Saturday night, in Romford." "Three years, every Saturday night, in Romford." "Three years." "Because nobody told me that London was close." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And you had to wear black trousers to get in, black shoes, an un-tucked shirt, and I don't like it when the dress code is "basic dick"." "I think it's restricting." "One time, I don't know if I was being rebellious or if I just thought it wouId be okay, I wore black trainers." "I thought that would be all right." "And the bouncer looked at me and said, "You can't come in like that." ""You look like you've come from a gym."" "Which gym do I Iook like I've come from?" "He's such a basic human being, to him there's only two forms of dress, club and gym." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I remember the Iast time I went there." "I think I was 21, and I threw up." "I used to throw up there quite a Iot, 'cause I used to drink a Iot 'cause I wasn't happy." "I don't want to judge you if you're drinking tonight, but you know it's 'cause you're not happy, right?" "You know..." ""We'II have a good old..." "We're all right, we'II have a couple of drinks" ""and then pay for laughter." "We're fine."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was trying to get to the toilet, and I didn't make it." "I threw up on the dance floor." "I Iooked at what I'd done, and I was pleased." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I thought, "That's what you deserve." "That should be your logo."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But now I was in London, talking to this actor, and I suggested this wonderful avant-garde club on a Monday night, which he hadn't heard of, which meant that I couId say, "well, I'II email you the details."" "That casual." "He said, "Okay." I then had his email address." "He gave me his email address." "I'd triumphed over this fear of rejection, this fear of being in the moment." "I had his email address." "And then this final moment, where we seemed to level out." "Up to now, I'd been his crazed, desperate fan." "And then, just as I was leaving, he said, "Oh, do I know you from something?"" "And I said, in as quiet and modest a way possible," ""I sort of do this small pop show on channel 4." ""But it's on very early in the morning." "You probably haven't seen it."" "Thinking that he might say, "Of course!" ""You're really funny!" "You're really funny!" "You're really funny!"" "Not, "Oh, okay," in the same tone as my grandma when I showed her my arsehole." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But I had his email address." "I went home, and I composed the most beautiful, funny little email." "Six friends confirmed, it was a beautiful, funny email." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I pressed send, and this is very much the end of this story, he never emailed back." "(AUDIENCE GROANING)" "Thank you." "ideally, in this situation, laughter is better than pity, but you're quite right, it's not a funny ending, is it?" "It's not funny." "He didn't email back even, you know, even something negative that I couId do something with." "He just..." "Just indifferent." "Not funny, is it?" "It's not funny." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So, not only did he ruin my Iife for five years, he's ruined this." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Fucking Martin CIunes." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE HOOTING)" "It's my fault for chasing this fantasy of this quiet, mysterious actor type." "That's what I've always gone for, some sort of..." "And I didn't know what it was." "I didn't know why I kept going for the same sort of weird, vulnerable, quiet person." "And then I realised, it comes directly from being about 15 years old and watching the teen drama My So-Called Life, starring Jared Leto as Jordan CataIano." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "You may whoop and cheer, but that programme has left me damaged." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Everyone I've ever gone for has been some version of Jordan CataIano." "(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)" "I watched the DVD to see what I was to do about this and, uh..." "I wanted to watch the DVD to see what it was about this character, and I figured it was about..." "It was these three things." "Number one, he has about four lines in every episode." "Number two, he has long hair, that sometimes fails over an eye." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And he'II tuck it behind his ear." "Which is amazing, isn't it?" "It's just amazing." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And the third thing is that his main character trait is that he is dyslexic." "And that's all I've ever wanted." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "A near mute with long hair and learning difficulties." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "And there's nothing wrong with any of those things." "I don't want to offend anyone." "If that describes you in any way, I'd Iike to meet you." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "recently, I went to see a play in which there was an actor that I fancied, because if you don't seek some therapy, life repeats." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "This time I was slightly better connected." "I knew the playwright." "We went to eat after the play." "I was sat next to the actor that I fancied." "I was talking to him about some of the things we've discussed tonight, that thinking makes it so, that we can create our own reality." "And even if you don't buy into that in a spiritual sense, you can still see that we live in a culture where you can order stuff online and it comes within the next day or two." "We live like that now." "So it's frustrating not being able to order a specific human being from the universe and have them come towards you." "He says, "well, what do you want?" "Who do you want?"" "I say - and I hadn't thought about this for a while " "I say, "I want Jared Leto."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He then says, in that moment, "I just did a film with Jared Leto" ""where I played the younger version of his character."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I didn't know what to do with that." "I'd only just ordered him." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He then says, out of his mouth," ""Do you want to see a sex scene I did as the young Jared Leto?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I say, "Yes."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He pulls out his iPhone, shows me himself having sex as Jared Leto, with long hair, and naked, and I say, "Oh, that's nice."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And it's so close to the fantasy, I don't know what to do." "That is the root fantasy." "That's the young Jared Leto." "It's even closer to the fantasy than the actual Jared Leto, in real life now, who, oddly, I did meet about three years ago in thailand at a fuII-moon party." "I didn't realise it was him." "I thought it was just someone who looked like him." "So I went up to him and said," ""You look a Iot like Jared Leto." "Do you know who Jared Leto is?"" "He said, "I am Jared Leto." I wasn't ready for that." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So all I couId manage to say was," ""Your beauty in Requiem for a Dream detracted from the narrative."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He thanked me and walked away." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "This was so close to the fantasy." "And also, there was, of course, the fear of rejection, as there always is." "I felt there was a flirty vibe between us, but I wasn't sure, and I have to be sure." "When I was running up the Champs-EIysee with the people in Paris, one of them asked if he could come back to my hotel room that night, 'cause he said the Metro wasn't going to be able to get him back to his hotel." "I knew he was sort of making that up, but I didn't know." "I knew he liked me a bit, but I didn't know." "It got to the point we were in my hotel room, both under the covers, haIf-naked, and I'm still going, "My God, but what is this?" ""What is this?" "I don't know what this is." "What is this?"" ""What is this?" "My penis is in his mouth, but is he joking?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It was too close to the fantasy, there was a fear of rejection," "I didn't know what to do, so I did what I always do." "I ignored him completely, became friends with somebody he knows quite well, and now, every Sunday, she is teaching me piano." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It was too close to the fantasy." "It was too much for me." "I should have remembered what my mum used to say about how you could be or do anything you want in this life, because everyone you see on TV, or on film, they all shit." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "She used to say that a Iot." "She would point at the television and say, "Shit comes out of them."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""You'II be a star."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I feel like we're all damaged in a way, right?" "We're all sort of damaged." "You're damaged, right?" "We're all damaged." "You look quite damaged." "Are you damaged?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "A little bit, yeah." "And I don't mind that so much." "I feel like that's where the good stuff comes from." "The only reason comedy exists is because we have tragedy." "That's the way it works." "Tragedy plus time equals comedy." "although that's not the..." "I realised what the formula really should be, is tragedy plus time plus joke." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "You can't just be involved in horrific tragedy and wait." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I feel special in some way, if I feel broken." "If I'm broken, there's a journey to be healed." "There's a journey to be fixed." "I feel like I'm an interesting, unique human being." "In the meaninglessness of it all, I feel unique, I feel special." "I Iike that I've got an osteopath appointment once a month, where I go because I've got bad posture, something happened in my past, and I guess this man is healing me each month, bringing me to some sort of neutral state, some pure, neutral state." "And I asked him, because he's quite a sensitive, sweet man," ""Why did I end up with bad posture?" ""Is it because when I was a kid, I was quite shy" ""and ended up trying to make myself invisible from the other children" ""and ended up all hunched over and scared?"" "And even though what I do now is extrovert, still inside, I'm the same scared, crying child." "I said, "What's wrong with me?" "Why would that happen to me?" ""What's wrong with me?"" "And he said, "You have very tight hamstrings."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Yeah, but isn't it more that I'm a genius recluse?" "Isn't that the..."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He said, "No, the tendons behind your knees are quite restricted."" ""Yeah, but isn't that just the physical manifestation of a tortured soul?"" ""No, it's your legs."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "similarly, I got ill a few weeks ago, and this happened the day before." "I've got a cat." "obviously I've got a cat." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I really thought the cat would end my loneliness." "It has only become a mascot for my loneliness." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Because if anyone does come round, they go, "Oh, you've got a cat." "Are you quite lonely?" ""What's he called?" "solitude."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I woke up, and the cat had peed on my bed." "Because I was still half asleep, I ended up putting my hand in the cat's pee." "I then went to grab the cat to put its head in its pee." "Not as an act of revenge." "My mum had just told me that's how you teach it not to do it again." "It doesn't work." "It doesn't remember the great moral lesson of Tuesday." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It just ends up with a head covered in its own pee, wandering around, wondering how that could have happened." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "In the process of grabbing the cat, the cat scratched my hand, the same hand where the pee was." "There was then some blood coming out of my hand and maybe some pee getting into my bloodstream." "And I thought, "I've got cat AIDS."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I tried not to think that, because I believe that thinking makes it so." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I woke up the next morning and I couldn't stop vomiting into my toilet." "So violent was the vomit coming out of me, it was going into my toilet, it was all around the toilet as well, sort of spattering all over the floor, my cat came, put my head in the vomit." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I felt so weak and thin and pale." "I saw myself in the mirror, I thought, "He's hot."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "On the way to the doctor, I wondered," ""should I mention what happened with the cat?"" "I felt a bit embarrassed about it, but I thought it could be relevant, it could be relevant to what's happened this morning." "I got there, I told him about the vomiting, and I said, "I don't know if this is anything," ""but my cat yesterday peed on my bed," ""some of it got on my hand and then there was some blood."" "I said, "I don't know..." "I've heard about cat AIDS?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "She looked at me in a way that I thought doctors were trained not to look at patients." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Uh, no, there's no way you could have cat AIDS." ""You're not a cat."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "You all right?" "You having fun?" "You're quite thin, aren't you?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "What's your name?" "colin!" "Okay." "colin..." "What, wait..." "colin?" "caitlin?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "CathaI." "Go on, one more." "CathaI." "AUDIENCE:" "CathaI." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I still don't know what his name is." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "What..." "Connor?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "CathaI." "CathaI!" "CohiI?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "C-O-H-I-L?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Oh, yeah, laugh at the idiot EngIishman." "Yeah." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Yeah." "I'm trying my best." "I'm being polite." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Yeah, go on, spell it, yeah." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "C-O-T-K-H-I..." "Hang on!" "I'm speaking to CohiI." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He can do it, even though he may have some dyslexia issues." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Let's hope." "Let's hope so." "Let's hope so." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Go on, then." "MAN:" "C-A-T-H-A-L." "C-A-T-H-A-L." "That's pretty fucked-up, huh?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I'm Simon." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "I think that went quite well, don't you?" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, God." "What the hell was I talking about?" "Oh, yeah." "I remember." "I bloody remember." "I can do this." "The main problem is that we feel like we're living into the future." "really what we're doing is living into the past." "We're constantly repeating moments from the past, hoping for better endings." "Whenever I'm with my family, I feel like if I couId just heal the past, maybe then I can live in possibility, maybe then the future could be a blank page where anything could happen." "until that point, I feel like I'm going to repeat moments from the past." "It was recently my grandpa's birthday party, his 70th birthday party, at this restaurant in Essex." "Everyone was there, apart from my brother's girlfriend, who he's been with for about four years." "She was not there, on account of a couple of the family members having a problem with her not being a Jew." "We mustn't judge them for this." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "This is just because..." "It's just because they personally have a very strong belief in racism, so... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And that's their belief." "What can you do?" "There's nothing you can do." "You're very lucky in ireland." "I don't suppose you've ever had any sort of religious conflict or anything, you know... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It's a nightmare." "It's a nightmare." "You can't imagine." "You can't imagine, dublin." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "That's their belief." "And, you know, we mustn't judge them because they live in Essex, where there's not much to do, and so there's a Iot more time for racism." "I Iive in London now." "God, if I had the time, but... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Every day, I'm walking through Oxford Street, I see people from ethnic minorities and think, "I should do something," but I'm so busy, you know." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I..." "You know, it's unfair of me to just be on this stage attacking them." "They have their perspective." "They were just trying to protect their children." "They saw it..." "From their perspective, it was a bad example to their children 'cause they could end up marrying gentiIes, then their children's children wouldn't be Jewish, then they wouldn't be able to go to a Jewish school," "and then where would they learn paranoia?" "So... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And nobody's ever caused a drama about this in the family." "We just sort of try to keep the peace and we try not to say anything about it, because it's genuinely believed in this family that when my mum got divorced, which was quite a drama, it was the direct reason for my grandpa becoming diabetic." "So no one's allowed to say anything, so they say these sort of awful, offensive things, and I'm sat there going, "My God, if this was being televised, people would boo you."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And then, near the end of the dinner, because I've been on a few courses to try and make my Iife happier," "I say to these members of my family, in as sort of sweet and polite a way as possible," ""Isn't it a shame that my brother couldn't bring his girlfriend tonight?" ""It's sort of a shame." "Isn't it sort of a shame?"" "And they get quite defensive, of course, and say, "well, why isn't she here?" ""We thought she would be here." "Why isn't she here?"" "And I say, "Oh, isn't it..." "I don't know." ""Isn't it because of that time that you said, 'She can't be here'?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I say..." "I ask, "Just explain to me why is the belief more important" ""than the feelings of a human being?"" "And it's so sad, 'cause she's a brunette." "She could pass." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And then my brother comes over and just starts swearing at them, and it becomes a bit intense, and I say, "Oh, no, it's all right." "calm down." ""I've been on a course, and..."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And my grandpa..." "This is just the point where the cake is supposed to come." "We should be singing happy birthday, and now my grandpa is crying, partly because of the drama that I've created, but partly 'cause he can't eat the cake." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And, uh..." "Yeah, it's a tricky business." "The whole thing's a tricky business." "It is then suggested that we all go back to my mum's house and resolve this." "And I feel very awkward about the whole thing because we don't have drama in this family, and now I've created one, and I've got to resolve it." "We've got to have this whole debate about who's right and who's wrong." "And I used to..." "As a child, I was quite into debate and opinions, and now I just feel like debate and politics is the opposite of truth, the opposite of beauty, the opposite of joy." "When I was younger I went to see the Vanessa FeItz talk show being filmed." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "There's nothing we can do." "It happened." "It happened." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "The subject up for debate that day was, "should I murder my husband?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "At the beginning of the show, the floor manager told us that the best opinion of today will win a bottle of champagne." "So there's everything to play for." "should she or shouldn't she murder her husband?" "Twenty minutes go by and people say some very interesting things, and I, at about 1 4 years old, stand up and say," ""I think you shouldn't murder your husband 'cause you could go to prison."" "And I won a bottle of champagne." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And whether it's a lowbrow, stupid, daytime-TV-show debate like that, or a highbrow Question Time political debate, it's the same inane, nonsensical, cyclical, boring topics, and we go round and round in circles" "debating the same things over and over again." "Somehow we take out logic and prior knowledge from our collective minds." "And I think it's quite similar to what happened to me when I did magic mushrooms a few years ago." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Somehow, I was able to say to my friend, on mushrooms - and I think it's this sort of conversation that we're all constantly having that stops us from progressing at the speed that we perhaps could " "isn't it odd how, when you say to someone," ""Oh, do you want to meet up for some dinner next Thursday?", the dinner is a lie." "What you're really saying is," ""It'd be nice to meet up with you." "I haven't seen you for a while."" "Why do we have to have this dinner cover?" "How do you know how hungry you're going to be on Thursday?" "Why can't we just say, "It'd be nice to meet up with you"?" "And there should be a place where you could just meet, the meeting place, an indoor place, where you walk in and you sit down, there's nothing, just chairs, and you sit down and you look at each other" "and you meet, and it's truthful, it's authentic, it's beautiful." "And then I thought, after about half an hour there you could get a bit hungry." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I invented the restaurant." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "So I didn't want to have this debate with my family, who was right and who was wrong." "Very difficult thing." "We have to continue to debate things because there is no truth, there's only perspective." "And their perspective was that it was a terrible misunderstanding, and the one time they did meet her, she hadn't said hello to them." "And I had to explain that she was the shy, new guest coming into this family." "We are hosting her." "We have to say hello first." "That's how it works." "I don't know if I only know that from presenting TV shows where you start with, "hello, and welcome to the show."" "You don't stare at the audience." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I had to explain it to them like they were children." "I said, "Why can't we learn from Lumiere," ""the candlestick holder from Beauty and the Beast?""" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Who sang Be Our Guest, Be Our Guest, not Is She a Jew?""" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But this is unfair, because I realised in everything that I was saying what was underneath my words was essentially," ""Why can't you just be less judgemental, and more like me?"" "Which is judgemental." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And arrogant, to try and change somebody else's perspective just so that the world can seem better for you." "It's important that we have these contrasts in life." "Nothing ever got created from things being the same." "It's from the contrasts in life that anything happens." "I realised in the end that all I couId do, I couldn't change them, all I couId was change my perspective on them, and then move on with my Iife." "AII you can really do in your life is change yourself, and that's hard enough." "I really wanted to change myself a Iot last year, because I felt I wasn't getting enough sex." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And that's a fun thing to do, it's a shame not to have more of it." "And the reason I wasn't..." "The reason I wasn't achieving the getting of more sex was because I would see somebody at a party that I really liked and I'd think, "Gosh, well, he seems just about perfect." ""Like, who knows what could happen?" ""I couId end up spending the rest of my Iife with him."" "And what I would do every time, to woo him, to beshoe him, to make him see that I was the one for him, is I would go home and hope that I saw him again." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Because for me to go up to someone and say, "hello, what's your name?"..." "perfectly lovely question, "hello, what's your name?"" "Nothing wrong with that question, "hello, what's your name?"" "It's a delightful, curious question, but to me, it wouId definitely come out like," "(PERVY VOICE) "hello." "What's your name?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "also, I developed a paranoia for talking to anyone because I felt like, if the chat-up didn't go well, they would then have a story to tell their friends about." "This came from being at the Edinburgh Comedy festival and somebody coming up to me and reminding me of a gig that we'd done together." "I said, "I remember the gig." ""I went on a few dates with a poet who was on that show."" "And he said, "Yes, that's my friend."" "And he said that in a kind of smug way, Iike he knew something about me." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I said, "Do you know something about me?"" "And he said, "Yes."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He then told me that his friend had told him that when we were having sex, and his friend cIimaxed, I said..." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""well done."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I think it's 'cause it took him a while." "It's not my catchphrase." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I couldn't talk to people." "I couldn't talk to people." "And then I saw the film Waking Life." "I don't know if you've seen it, but one line stood out for me." ""actual seIf-awareness is the knowledge" ""that you are a character in someone else's dream."" "I Iove this idea that it could all be a dream, and it's somebody else's dream." "I makes everything so silly." "There's no need to fear anything, no need to feel anxious about anything." "It's all a dream." "And if you're playing a character, and that character isn't serving you, that shy, anxious character who can't talk to people," "let go of the character." "Become a different character." "I was out with a friend of mine, walking through the streets of north London on a Sunday afternoon a few months ago, and in the time that we were together, he got the phone numbers of about four different girls." "His thing is he's able to go up to girls and say, "hello." "What's your name?"" "They exchange phone numbers, and then later, they have sex." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "That's a better system than mine." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I said, "You've got to do this for me."" "He then spots this guy that I'd been looking at." "And before I can run away, scared of what might occur, he just saunters up to this guy and says, "hello, young man."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""You look like a fun chap." "What are you up to today in your life?"" "And this young student guy says, "I'm..." "I'm meeting some friends in the park."" "And my friend says, "well, we must join you."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And for some reason, this guy doesn't say, "Why?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I think it's 'cause my friend said, "we must", and so he just went, "Oh, well, if you're in charge of the world, okay."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "'Cause that's what my friend's putting out there." "His character is he can grab someone from the universe, throw them in his hot tub and fuck them." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "We're now sat in this park with these people, and everyone's acting very nonchalant," "like it's a normal thing to have happened." "But at Ieast in my head, I'm screaming, "But we're all strangers!"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I try to chat up the one that I Iike." "I say, "You look like the cool one in the group."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Because I don't know how to talk to humans." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "The only way I can cope, it seems, is if I imagine I'm conducting a TV interview." ""well, you're the cool one, and who dresses you?" ""And thank you for coming in today." "And now Lady Gaga."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Who I don't trust." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So my friend then rescues me from my character and says, "Why don't you two exchange phone numbers now?" ""We must move on with our lives."" "So we do exchange phone numbers, because he's told us to." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "We walk away, and I acknowledge that what's happened has been quite special." "generally in life, we feel we're in control, but we're just like ants, wandering around, hoping to avoid bumping into each other, as humans, hoping to avoid doing anything that might embarrass us." "And this was a moment of grabbing a moment from the universe without any fear." "We're not in control of our lives." "You're not in control of your lives." "I'm aware that half the people in here are only in here because the person next to you likes me." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Maybe more than half." "Maybe... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I'm not in control of my Iife, even being here tonight." "It's just that something happened in my childhood, where there was a moment of fear," "I responded with something funny and that worked, so I carried on with that and now I'm here talking to you into a microphone, which I don't need." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Just 'cause it gives the impression I'm definitely a stand-up comedian." "Otherwise, I'm just a man standing." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "And unless you grab these moments, life just is cyclical and it is repetitive." "Do you know what I was thinking about when I was in the toilet the other morning?" ""Again?" It's always the same, isn't it?" "Once, about six years ago, I had a green shit." "Once." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And it looked at me, as if to say, "Perhaps everything will be different now."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It wasn't." "Goatee beard, huh?" "You think that's going to help?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So, you know, you think, you shave that bit and that bit and..." "We're all still going to die." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I asked my friend." "I said, "What do you want me to do now?" ""should I text him next week and see what he's up to?"" "He said, "No." "Just text him now and see what he's doing tonight."" "I said, "This is a bit keen." "We just walked away." ""ShouIdn't I play hard-to-get a bit?"" "He said, "No, you don't play hard-to-get." "You just picked someone up in a park."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And he was right." "This stupid game, based on fear, that we play, this hard-to-get game, we don't play it in any other area of our lives." "You're in a supermarket and you think, "Oh, I quite fancy a potato,"" "you don't go, "Oh, best to avoid eye contact."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "You grab the potato, you bloody eat it." "The only difference between a potato and a human being is the fear of rejection." "That's not the only difference." "Um... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Everything's a choice between fear and love." "We may as well choose love, because death is coming." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Death is coming." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Death is coming." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "That's my catchphrase." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I texted him, there and then, because death is coming." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And he was free that night." "He was free that night." "We were then going on this date, that night." "We'd met that day." "We're going on this date, that night." "I feel alive." "I feel like I'm living some sort of dreamlike existence." "My friend then gives me tips on how to have sex with him that evening." "Because that is what this is about." "This is about grabbing this moment from the universe, without any judgement, without fear." "We still judge ourselves on sex." "And we add so much meaning to it, as we add meaning to everything in our lives." "Sex can just be fun." "It can just be fun." "It can just be fun." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "No one ever says, "Oh, you're playing all that tennis." ""Where's it leading?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Did you enjoy your tennis game?"" ""Oh, it was just meaningless, wasn't it?" "It was just..."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It's joyful." "His tips were, "Don't talk about the past." ""Don't discuss the future." "This is just about this moment." ""Just keep saying the words 'spontaneous' and 'adventure'."" "Spontaneous." "Adventure." ""Aren't we spontaneous?" "What an adventure we've been on today." ""We met today and we spontaneously decided to be here right now." ""What an adventure it has been," ""and what an adventure it could continue to be." ""Aren't you spontaneous?" "Aren't I spontaneous?" ""When was the Iast time you did something spontaneous?" ""We're so adventurous." "What an adventure this is."" "It worked." "He taught me two things that day." "One, some confidence, 'cause why be timid?" "Death is coming." "And two, hypnosis." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I feel like now we can just have anything we want in our lives, and the only thing to fear is death, and that's happening anyway." "The real problem, I find, is that we're getting older, and we have to be here for that." "I turned 30 last year, and it was a bit of a crisis leading up to it, culminating in this." "I was at the theatre and I saw somebody who turned out to be 18." "Okay?" "So he was 18." "AII right?" "He was 18." "But he was so thin." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And he was with a woman who turned out to be his mother, but she, it turned out, was a fan of mine." "So that's good." "She likes my work, I Iike her son." "Great." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "also, I've worked really hard since about the age of 1 4 to get to wherever the hell I am today, so if she's taken any enjoyment from my work," "I think I've earned her child." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "We get talking, and they're delightfully uber-middIe class, and I'm from Essex, and this feels like a moment where I've arrived." "We're talking about the play, we're talking about poetry, we're having a wonderful time." "I don't like to caricature, 'cause it feels crude and untrue." "I wouldn't say this if it wasn't the case." "He is speaking in that stereotypical way we imagine posh people speak," "like that sort of, "Fa-fa-fa..." Like that, "Wa-wa-wa-wa..."" "He's actually speaking like that." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Like there's no need for him to be able to speak," "like his mouth is full of pound coins, I don't know what it is." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But I'm really having a lovely time with both of them, and then after the play I meet up with just him outside the theatre." "We're sat on the steps of this theatre." "It's about 1 1 :30 in the evening, there's a frisson between us, there's romance in the air, and then his mother comes around the corner and I feel awkward." "I think, "Oh, gosh, the mother must love him and is protective of him."" "And she just says to him, "Okay, goodbye, darling." "See you later."" "Leaves me with her son." "So I thought, "well, she's given him to me."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I took him..." "Um... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He actually took me to this restaurant that he knew." "It was his area." "We went to this Iate-night restaurant." "We spoke for two hours." "And he's actually much more mature than you'd imagine, for 18, much more intelligent than you'd imagine, for 18, and all those other things that people like me say." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "We started meeting up for these kind of dates." "They weren't defined as such, but they were essentially dates, and eventually I invited him back to my flat." "I felt strange and torn about inviting him." "I wasn't sure if it'd be a bit too much for him." "And I'm not very good at making the first move," "like in terms of the first kiss." "I'm not very good at that." "And I thought I would have to, 'cause I'm the responsible adult here." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And then we were sat for, Iike, three hours on my sofa, just talking and talking, and I couldn't quite make the move." "I felt just awkward about it, I wasn't sure what..." "And it was hard for him as well, 'cause he's straight, so it was difficult." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But everything is seemingly leading towards this kiss." "We're edging closer to each other, subtly, on the sofa." "And at one point, I realised I had to kiss him because I found myself fiddling with his hair." "And I thought, "well, I've got to do the kiss now,"" "because that's a precursor to a kiss." "If you don't then do the kiss, you're just a weirdo who likes hair." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Oh, it's been lovely touching your hair this evening."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Let yourself out."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I leaned in, and I kissed him on the lips, and said, "I've just kissed you on the lips."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Is that okay?"" "And he said, (POSH) "Oh, yeah, that's fine, that's fine."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And in that moment I won ?" "7." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I leaned in again, I kissed him again." "I said, "I've just kissed you on the lips again,"" "because kids love repetition." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But really we were having a laugh about it ourselves." "Like, I kept sort of..." "You know, I tried to make it fun." "I was making him laugh." "He really liked..." "I kept doing, "Who is it?" "It's me."" "He really..." "He loved that." "Loved it." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And actually, it was a really lovely experience for both of us." "Don't regret any of it." "It was like a wonderful, beautiful, sensual evening, and there's no..." "I don't feel any shame or regret about it." "If there's one thing..." "There's one thing that makes me feel slightly odd about it, and it is that he did describe what we had done afterwards as "rumbIy-tumbIy"." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""well, obviously, a bit nervous at first, but in the end, lovely bit of rumbIy-tumbIy."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Now, I..." "Look, it's not ideal, being with an 18-year-oId." "Nothing we could do about the fact that he was 18." "Nothing we could do about the fact that if I'd met him five weeks before, he would have been 1 7." "Nothing we can do, nothing the police can do." "No one can do anything." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And I realise now that, as well as it being a worry about getting older, it was also an attempt to heal the past." "When I was 18, at that stage it seemed impossible to be with another 18-year-oId, so this was a moment of trying to heal that broken moment from the past." "The great lesson in all of this came a few months ago." "I'd received a big bill for something to do with my flat, and it was really frustrating, and it felt like an injustice." "It was like this just stupid, boring bill, and there was nothing I couId do about it." "And I was really annoyed by it, and then I got in this minicab and started telling the cab driver about it." "He said to me, "well, is there anything you can do about this bill?"" "And I said, "No, there's nothing I can do." "It's a real injustice."" "And he said, "Acceptance."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""What do you mean, whispering, wise cab driver?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And he explained so absurdly simply that if there's nothing you can do about something, then you do nothing." "And in that moment, the feeling of injustice, the frustration, it was lifted, it was gone." "There was nothing to do." "I realised I'd made it up." "I'd made it up that it was an injustice, I'd made up the frustration, it was all a story." "And it's the same with the past." "You can't change the past." "There's no need to heal it." "It's only a story that you've created." "AII you can do is let go of the story." "You can't change yourself." "AII you can do is let go of the story of who you are." "Let go of the character you've created from fear." "And you can't change other people." "AII you can do is let go of your limited perspective of them." "I really tried hard with my family on that stupid debate about my brother and his girlfriend, but they stuck with their perception, as they have a right to do." "They said, "It's not our fault." "It's your mother." ""She would rather that he was with a Jewish girl."" "And my mum said, "No, that's not what I've said." ""What I've said is in an ideal world, he would be, but I'm happy that he's happy."" "Which sounds more positive, but she's creating a whole other world there where he's with someone else." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So I said, "We've got to let go of this idea of an ideal world." ""The world is how you perceive it." "It's ideal, if you want it to be ideal."" ""And they're in love." "surely, love is the ideal."" "And I won a bottle of champagne." "Thank you very much for coming." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)"