"(Man) Uno, dos, tres, cuatro." "(# Jaunty tune)" "(Shop bell dings)" " Do you do poison?" " Er, no, sir." "Just holidays." "This is a travel agent's, sir." "Oh." "Do you do holidays to places where you can't breathe?" " Could a holiday hurt a person?" " Well, I hope not." "Could you batter someone with a big ticket?" "Could you get a boarding pass and shove it under someone's fingernails until they wept?" "Well, I suppose..." "Erm, what sort of holiday were you looking for?" "Ooh, quiet." "Could you make a person so relaxed they forgot to live?" "Well, we do do some very relaxing packages, sir." "Do you do very disappointing packages, the sort that get your hopes up then it's such a letdown, you die?" "Er, not in here, sir." "We aim to make people as happy as possible." "Too happy?" "Could you make a person smile so much it made their face break?" " Could you break a face like this?" " Well, erm..." " Do you do those sunhats made of razor?" " No." " What about sun cream?" " Yes." "The sort that when it's on your skin it reacts with sunlight and turns to snakes?" " No, sir, we don't." " Do they still shoot tourists in Florida?" "Mainly, sir, yes." "Mega." "(# Organ playing, choir singing hymn)" "Know why I joined the amateur choir?" "Cos it's pussy on a stick." "Plenty of girls opening their mouths rhythmically gives a man ideas, i.e. "Can I put my cock in them?" and the answer more often than not, is yes." "A lot of these ladies have led sheltered lives away from the storm of sexual liberation I can unleash simply by taking off my trousers." "I usually say, "Try this, duchess, it'll help your breathing."" "Often we team up with the local orchestra." "A man gets to thinking, if a girl can fit a cello between her legs, she's certainly got room for my musical tool, i.e. my penis." "These girls make a hell of a racket, especially when I stick my icy hand up their frocks." "One sheila couldn't help herself and played watersports with me right there in the vestry." "Choirs are the new rock and roll." "Go figure." "(# Choir singing hymn)" "(# Spoof James Bond theme)" "Now, pay attention." "We don't want you going out there without some serious protection." "The bods in the lab have been working on something rather special." "Unless it's a gun, I'm not interested." "Oh, ye of little faith." "Hm." "I want you to answer the next question absolutely truthfully." "Is that just a wristwatch?" "Put the goggles on." "(Sighs)" "No, Putchek." "I cannot stay for dinner." "I have to leave or I will be late for..." " Take that, Russian bastard!" " (Alarm blares)" "I'll teach you with your no head now, you spying shit." "Try and spy now!" "Go on!" "Go on!" "Do you want some more, you shit?" "I feel a bit silly saying this but I thought for a second it might have some cheese wire in it that pulls out and cuts his throat." "Yes, we tried that, but it kept screwing up the mechanism." "Of course." "Could I have, say, a stick with a nail in it?" "(# Spoof Bond theme)" "How long do we have to sit here for?" "Until." "I've got things to do." "Hard cheese." "Doesn't matter." "But what are we actually doing?" "We're just reminding people of the presence of Goth." "Wankers." "See?" "This is important." "I've got something to tell you, but you must promise not to tell anyone." "Of course not." "What?" "Last night, Rob did, like, the weirdest thing." "We were, you know, and it was hurting a little bit" " because I wasn't properly..." " Lubricated." "So he said, "Let's use something."" " Right." "Couldn't be arsed with..." " Foreplay, yeah." "So he goes down into the kitchen, comes back, smears himself with..." " cooking oil." " Curry!" "(Bell dings)" "OK, guys, Titchmarsh has just finished another series of Songs Of Praise, so he's back in rehab." "But just cos we haven't got Big Al doesn't mean I'm not still an ideas guy." " So hit me." " OK, Sunday night." "Slippers On Sunday, hosted by Roger Slippers." " Who's Roger Slippers?" " We made him up." "There's bound to be one." "Great." "Get me Roger Slippers and tell him he's got his own show." " What else?" " We need a host for the Turner Prize" " and we thought Tina Turner." " Great idea." "But she's already covering the Tina Prize on the same night." " How about Beadle's A Bastard?" " So what's new?" "Or Wank And File where Ken Wank joins the army?" "Get me Ken Wank and tell him he's got his own show." "Battery Slattery where comedian Tony Slattery is dipped in an enormous vat of boiling batter for charity." "No, Battery Slattery where comedian Tony Slattery mans an anti-aircraft emplacement in Baghdad." "I've got it!" "Battery Slattery, in which comedian Tony Slattery runs an inhumane chicken farm." "I think that might be one for Roger Slippers." "How about Marshall Law, featuring former West Indian bowler Malcolm Marshall and actress Phyllida Law?" " What's it about?" " Nothing." "We've used it all up in their names." "I want something for Bill Oddie." "Noddy Oddie where Bill Oddie finally gets to meet Noddy, and also the lead singer of Slade." " I hate that." " Oh, no!" "Oddie's Wad, where Bill Oddie gets to talk about money." "Oddie's Shoddy Wad, where Bill Oddie talks about how dirty his cash gets after a hard day's bird-watching." "Oh, no, I've got it!" "Oddie's Shah-waddywaddy, hosted by Bill Oddie and the teddy boy retro band Showaddywaddy featuring the Shah of Iran and two puppets of ten-pound notes called Waddy and Waddy." "I love it, but the Shah of Iran is dead." "Right!" "Oddie's Shah's Boddy Waddy Waddy where the corpse of the Shah of Iran likes to abbreviate the name of his favourite bitter." "So in Oddie's Shah's Boddy Waddy Waddy," "Bill Oddie, Showaddywaddy, the Boddys drinking body of the Shah of Iran and two crazy banknote puppets called Waddy and Waddy do what?" "(Both) It's a quiz." " I love it but there's no..." " (Phone rings)" " (Woman gabbling)" " Titchmarsh?" "Titchmarsh has broken out of rehab and he's on his way here in a giant taxi!" "Get me whisky and Valium and tell Roger Slippers he's fired!" "(Woman gabbling on phone)" "It's gonna be summer soon." "I hate that." "Are Goths allowed to take their jumpers off in the summer?" "No." "It's just that it's gonna be really hot and me nan's bought me an England top." "I'd quite like to wear it." "Well, you can't." "You can't expose your body as a Goth." "You'd look really stupid." "(# Spoof James Bond theme)" " Now, pay attention." " Is it a gun?" " Hold on, be patient." " A knife?" "It's an amazing gadget that we've..." " Is it a weapon of any kind?" " Yes." "Is it?" "Meet J-315X." "Shoes." "See ya." "No, wait." "Watch." " You'd better..." " I'm not putting on the goggles." "Get on with it." "So imagine." "Putchek has you at gunpoint in a locked room." "It's dark and there's no escape." "Time to die." "OK?" " Take that, you nasty spying Russian!" " (Alarm blaring)" "Take that with your locked groove and your "I've got a gun but you've got shoes."" "You bastard, eh?" "Ha?" "Ha?" "Ha!" "Gotcha!" "There's a compass in the heel." "Of course it still is mainly an arable farm but in the last few years we've got into eggs and chickens and really we just wanted a few tips." "Yes, I know!" "You said on the phone!" "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "I'm just having a bad day." " Oh, why's that?" " Because I spend my life surrounded by hens!" "Come on, let's get on with it." "Do you think there'll be many eggs?" "I hadn't thought!" "I was just gonna peek inside for the joy of it!" "Here we are in the chicken shed surrounded by shit." "What are we gonna find?" "Weetabix?" "Jam?" "No, eggs." "That's my first tip." "Hens lay eggs." "You might have wondered what you were doing keeping the bloody-minded bastards otherwise." "Oh." "The first thing to do is to remove the eggs as carefully as possible." "No point yanking them out or you'll get pecked." "Ow, ow, ow!" "I'm being pecked." "Ow, ow!" "This is me being pecked." "There's nothing I can do about it." "Ow, ow, ow!" "Hens everywhere." "One." "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" "Two." "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" "Ow!" "Three." "Ow!" "(# Piano intro)" "Roy Castle." "Il est mort." "Mais non!" "Monsieur Chateau, il vive, hein?" "Non." "Non, il ne vive pas." "Il est mort." "(Gasps)" " (Sighs) - (Gasps)" "Le comedienne." "Le casseur des disques." "Le trompetteur." "Le danceur du tap." "Il est mort." "Pourquoi?" "(All) Pourquoi?" "Pourquoi?" "Les cigarettes." "Les cigarettes!" "Il a fumé?" "Non, c'est les cigarettes des autres." " Les autres." "Les autres." " Les autres." "Les autres." "Nous!" "Nous sommes coupables!" "Chaque puff de nos cigarettes était dans son visage." "Quelle dommage!" "(# Rasping notes)" "I never feel like I'm giving a really good hand job." " Oh, I know, I'd much rather give a good..." " Blow job!" " You feel they could probably do a hand job..." " Better themselves!" " They are so annoying." " Annoying, yeah." " Last night, after I'd gone to bed..." " After you'd gone to bed..." " Woke you up." " Yeah, so I wake up..." " And he was wankered..." " Wanking all over you." " Have a cockle." " I'm busy." "My dad wants to take the family to Center Parcs next month." "He's been working really hard for this." "And, er, I just wondered whether as a Goth I'd be able to participate in watersports?" "No, you can't." "You can't touch water." "But I find myself looking forward to the wave machines." "You won't go." "You'll stay here with me." " But..." " Goth won't allow." " I'm going for a paddle." " See you in hell." "Right, now, what's going on here is that this is my house and I'm going home." "No, no." "This is the house of a suspected video pornographer." "By which I mean..." "Right, let's take it in three parts." "Suspected, that means we think he's done it." "Video, that's just video." "That's easy." "And pornographer, a man or woman involved in the making of, purchasement at or buying in on... titty films." " Nudies." " Nudies." "Nudy, rudey titty films." "Porn." "Video porn." "Right, now, we do have a warrant which means we don't have to knock, we're just gonna be polite." "(Clears throat)" "Yeah?" "What?" " Right, Kevin's moving into the house now..." " (Grunting and punching) ...and the first thing he'll establish is where the videos are." "Actually, that's not what he's doing, he's questioning the suspect." " (Punching continues)" " Now there is an art to questioning a suspect and in that art, there is a fine line between tough questioning and what we on the force call kicking someone to bits." "Er..." "With Kevin, there's always the possibility that he's not only gonna approach but cross that fine line and so you get, horror of horrors, er, law keeper turned law breaker." "And I think that's what you can hear the sound of behind me." " (Choking and thumping)" " I'm almost definitely gonna have to intervene." "Cos it looks like a man is dying in there under a rain of Kevin's angry fists." "Erm, could someone call an ambulance, please?" " Ow!" "Ah!" " Kevin... (Thinking) Soft furnishings, soft furnishings." "Ah, over there." "Oh, no." "Oh, shit." "Everyone's gonna think I'm just eyeing up the panties. hat should I do?" "Keep looking ahead!" "No, everyone will think I'm trying too hard not to look that I must be looking." "Oh, damn." "She's seen me see what bra she's got." "She thinks I'm picturing her in it, her in just that flimsy, lacy bra, standing in her bedroom, shy and coquettish." "She knows I'm just a dirty, perverted, voyeuristic man." "Oh, what will I do?" "I'm not a pervert!" "(Ding-dong)" "(Laughs) And when they talk during sex." " I know..." " It's just funny." "You can't concentrate if they're shouting, "Give it to me!"" ""Give it to me, Bishop!"" "And how they find it really endearing during sex if they whimper..." "Whip you!" "But never mind that, let's talk about your early films cos you used to be brilliant." "That wonderful dance number in Take Me Or Leave Me - that was all one take!" "Well, it was one take but it wasn't the first one." "Oh." "But anyway, it was all directors in golf trousers with megaphones and outdoor sets that don't look real cos they're made of dance floor." "Then a bit of lame dialogue and the music starts and you think you'll shrivel up with embarrassment but you don't and it's all right in a minute cos it's got going, even though nowadays it all looks a bit naive and rubbish." "From what you say, I'm not sure whether you like my movies." "Oh, no, Bob, shit!" "I think they were great." "You've got to think they're great, haven't you?" "I can't think of why else everyone does." "It's like Singing In The Rain." "You don't say, "What was the psychedelic bollocks at the end?"" "You say, "No, it's a classic." "Leave it alone."" "It wasn't all musicals, of course." "I did a wonderful western..." "Hell, yes, I've been talking ten to the dozen." "You probably can't get a word in edgeways!" "Oops." "Shtoom." "You tell your marvellous anecdote about the western." " I wouldn't call it an anecdote..." " Never mind." "No, I used to love those westerns." "Were they boring to film?" "Cos they seemed to go on forever." " Well, no..." " They were incredibly long." "They don't make them like that any more." "How old are you, Bob?" "I'm 78 years young." " Young?" "Is that a joke?" " Uh..." "What do you think about the young whippersnappers," "Tommy Cruise, young Harrisony Ford, little Melly Gibson." "I've known him since he was so high." "Well, he still is." "Smelly Gibson, they used to call him." "Probably, I don't know, I'm just bullshitting." "But those guys..." "Little Seany Connery." " Sean's no spring chicken." " Don't say that, he'll sue." "Our channel called him a nationalist, woman-slapping tax exile and we haven't been in the black since." "But be honest, do you ever want to take anyone like Nicholas Cage or Johnny Depp and just disfigure the little million-earning shit?" " Of course not." " I wouldn't blame you, Bob." "I mean, what do they know about making movies, about this town," "Tinseltown, your town?" "When have they ever played tennis with the B Mayers or jacked up on morphine with F Scott Fitzgerald?" "I was never really in with that crowd." "Oh." "Have you ever seen Errol Flynn's member?" "No." "Mm." "Never mind." " I don't know who he thinks he's trying to kid." " I'm not trying to kid anyone." "I'm just tired of living a lie." "The truth is, I'm gay." "Obviously, that's hard for Samantha." "I see that." "But I could do with more support than I'm getting." " He is not gay." " I am gay." "I'm queer as a nine-bob note." "No, Gary, you are definitely not gay." "Yes, I am." "If you're so gay, why have you still got that Pirelli calendar with all them birds on it?" "Well, look, it's..." "I've only been gay since last Tuesday," "I'm not gonna go off tits completely." "Like, all of a sudden." "It's a slow process." "I have obviously gone off yours." " What's wrong with my tits?" " Nothing's wrong with them." "I'm just saying I'm slowly coming to terms with being a homo and now I'd probably prefer to look at some bloke's cute arse." "I don't believe you." "Can I have my beads back, please?" "No, I like 'em." " Hello, and welcome to Outdoor Wee." " Hi there!" "Today we come to you from a stinking alley behind the Victory Theatre, Westbourne, where I'm joined by former TV tap dancer and pantomime stalwart" " Jeffery Chaff." " Hi, it's me." "I'm back!" " After you, Jeffery." " I'm game!" "(Unzipping)" "(Sighs) So tell me, Jeffery, why have you picked this spot for our wee?" " (Trickling)" " I'm so busy, Keith." "I'm in panto again right here at the Victory Theatre." "We open tomorrow." "I just can't wait!" " So what are we...?" " I've already got my dancing shoes on!" "Well, I'll try not to wee on them." "(Laughs uproariously) Not to wee on them!" "Honestly, yeah!" "Cos it's been a while since you've been on our TV screens, hasn't it?" "What, 12 and a half years?" "Yes, I bet you feel neglected, Keith." "I bet!" "No, I've just been so busy, what with panto and summer season and panto..." "Well, thanks very much for talking to us." "Oh, look, I'm still weeing!" "Still going strong after all these years." "That's me all over!" "I heard I was going to be on the show so I haven't had a Jimmy Riddle for a week." "I've been saving it up so you have to talk to me longer." "I'm awful, aren't I?" "(Giggles)" "Right, thanks for joining us for Outdoor Wee." " And..." " # Gotta dance!" "# Gotta dance... #" " So...you're a nurse." " Off-duty." "Ah, it must be great being a nurse." "I mean to have a job where you feel like you're, er, putting back into society." " I see a lot of dick." " (Splutters)" " Loads of it." " Oh, erm..." " I can touch them." "It's legal." " I'll get some nuts." "I'm entitled in my professional capacity to draw the foreskin back." " (Chokes)" " I can get that close in broad daylight" " and stick a needle in, if necessary." " (Winces)" "I've seen more cock than you could shake a stick at." "18 inches, I'm not impressed." "# La, la, la... #" "So...your place or mine?" "What you having, then, Steve?" "Well, usually, I'd have a pint of lager so... can I have £2.20 and I might get it later?" "Er, OK." "Now, when it's my round, if I say, "I haven't got any money, apart from the 2.20,"" "would you believe me?" "Er, yeah, course." "Now, then, with me not having any money, would you then for the rest of the evening buy drinks just for yourself while I watch, or would you keep buying me lagers?" "Well, I'd probably..." " You'd keep buying me lagers." " Yeah." "Course you would." "You're a mate." "So it's only quarter to eight now so that's nine, ten, eleven..." "That's at least another four pints." "Five, if we work quickly." "So that's five times 2.20, 11 quid." "You'd be willing to spend 11 quid on me." " Yeah, I suppose..." " Great." "I'll have that now." "I'll get a cab home." "No." "No, you are definitely not queer, cos you never even had sex with a bloke." "That is such an ignorant way of looking at it." "It's far more complicated..." "Anyway, I have." " You haven't!" " How do you know?" "You haven't!" "Well, who with, then?" "Chris." " Your mate Chris Bakewell?" " Done him up the arse." "You have not done Chris Bakewell up the arse." "All right, it was not up the arse, but it was sex, of a sort." "And it was very, very gay." "It was about as gay as it gets." "Me and Chris, being gay together." "At it." "I'll give Chris a ring and ask him, shall I?" "No, don't, Samantha, he'll deny it." "He's not out, like me, he's living a terrible lie, being married to Jackie." "I'll raise you 20." "See your 20." "Raise you 20." "See your 40." "Raise you 25." "Your 65, raise you... 400." "(Stage whisper) I'm bluffing." "I've got a really weak hand." "I'm hoping that by just continually raising the stakes," "I'll make Steve assume that I'm in a much stronger position than I actually am." "(Clock ticking)" "Best you break the news, Tony, seeing as you know the family." "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "Judy's dead." "Er, no." "Er..." "I'm terribly sorry." "It's about Judy." "She..." "She..." "No." "(Doorbell)" "Doreen, Michael." "Judy's had a deadly accident that's killed her." "No, no, no!" "Er, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this... but it's, er, Ju..." " Tony?" " Is Judy in?" "Hi." "I'm Sasha Solomon." "Hi." "It's another world over the pond." "Here, they have fat actors and I'm talking to one right now." " Well, I'm not that fat!" " You are!" "You're so fat." "You're the fattest actress I've ever seen." "You're like Courteney Cox times two but I'm sure you're twice as good." "You're very kind but I'm due on set." "Just give me five minutes, OK?" "We're talking exclusively to the star of Green And Pleasant." "She's big, she's beautiful and she's got nothing to hide." "Indeed, how could she hide?" "She couldn't." "So, does it anger you you'd never get a day's work in the States?" "Well, I get plenty of work here." "America, hear me." "This country is brave enough to love the large." "You have Robbie Coltrane." "He's a massive man." "He's very good." "Do you know him?" "Oh, do you know Dawn French?" "No, but she's very funny." "Hilariously fat." "And she's married to a black man." "My God!" "Erm, there are fat actors in America." "Oh, but we don't let them on TV!" "But you guys..." "My God, you let them do anything." "I mean, you have fat sex symbols." "You are one." "You're a large lady that's fat." "But I couldn't take you home." "How does that make you feel?" " Well, it's your loss." " You kill me." "And you'll kill yourself." "But you don't care." "I love this country!" "15 minutes, Shirl." "Coffee's in the van." "Did you see that?" "In this country, it's a fine day for a pastry in public." "In the US, the fat can't eat in public." "People'd make associations." "It is lunch time and I'm just going to get some coffee." "America, take heed." "In this country, it ain't all over when the fat lady sings, it's only just beginning." "This is Sasha Solomon, reporting to you from beautiful England." "Did you get a shot of her ass?" "Yeah, so if she rings, can you tell her we had sex?" "Yeah, gay sex." "No, mate." "Not up the arse." "I wouldn't do that to ya." "Say you gobbled me off." "All right, I gobbled you off." " (Door opens)" " Right, OK, yeah." "I'll explain at the pub, all right?" "Cheers." " Who was that, then?" " It was a gay...gay chatline." " What'd you ring them for?" " They rang me." " They wanted gay chat." " What sort of gay chat?" "They just chat about gaiety, gayness." "It's gay stuff." "You wouldn't understand." "Not the sort of chat we'd have, but, erm, gayer." "More gay." "All right, Gary, so if you're so gay, what we gonna do with your copies of Mayfair?" " Do what you like." "You can have 'em." " I don't want them." " Maybe I should burn 'em." " Don't." "Just leave 'em where they are." "That's probably the best solution." "So anyway, we ended up spending the entire day there." "(Stage whisper) I'm pretending to take an interest in her dull conversation for now, because I think there's a chance I'll be able to sleep with her later." "Another white wine?" "And there's your receipt." "Erm, I know this is a bit rude and improper," " but I was wondering..." " Yes?" "...well, if you're free, that is, if you'd like to come to dinner with me one night?" "Actually, I'm free next, erm..." "Good day, madam." "Can I have a word with you, Roger?" " I'm a bit busy at the moment, Sparky." " But it's important!" " I'm sorry about this." " That's quite all right." "I mean, you're not actually working, are you, Roger?" " You were asking her out!" " OK, make it quick." "What do you want?" " I'm dying." " What?" "I'm dying, Roger." "I've got less than a week to live." " Look, I'd better go." " No, please, don't go!" "You're dying?" "You're a puppet!" "Well, I've been having these terrible headaches so I went to see Dr Twinky in the toy shop." " Yeah..." "And he said it was a bit terminal and that I was gonna die in about five days." "Ooh!" "(Coughs feebly)" "We had some good times together, didn't we, Roger?" "Yes." "Yes, we did." "Do you remember the time you were on the toilet and I pulled the flush before you were finished and you got a wet bum?" "Yes." "That was..." "Well, that was lovely." "I'd like to be buried in the woods." "Yeah, can I just stop you there?" "What about Wednesday?" "I could meet you at six o'clock?" "Look, erm, you've obviously got your hands full." "I can come in again." "I expect." "Bye!" " (Bell dings)" " Damn!" "(Sniggers)" "No hot date for you, me bucko." "What a funny trick to play on someone!" " I'm great!" " Sparky!" "Oh, you stupid bastard." "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "(Groans in pain)" "How big's a baby's head again?" "Well, it's about sort of..." "And how big's a lady's... you know?" "Oh." "Erm..." "Well, depends, but... no bigger than say..." "Uh-oh." "Then we're in trouble." "What?" " No way." " Exactly." "(Panting)" "Apparently, it stretches." "(Phone ringing)"