"[ Humming ]" "What's up, man?" "Hey." "Oh, my God." "How you doing?" "Oh, my God." "Hey." "Hey." "How are you?" "Good, good." "Can't complain." "This is crazy." "I'm sorry." "This is nuts." "I lust watched Blown _way this week, so I'm like...." "Okay." "Did you like it?" "Yeah." "No, I did." "I thought it was really well done and everything." "I thought it was cool." "Yeah." "Good." "You were awesome." "I mean...." "What?" "I said you were awesome." "Cool." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I'll bet you get that all the time." "I'll be quiet." "Sorry." "No, I don't." "What are you talking about?" "What.. .?" "Okay." "Whatever, man." "Are you gonna go to Carol's later tonight?" "You know Carol?" "That's...." "How do you know Carol?" "I'm going to her...." "What the fuck is your problem?" "I dated Carol for two years, man." "I'm Zach." "Yeah, I know Carol." "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "What is wrong with you?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry. I thought you were Forest Whitaker." "I'm sorry." "What?" "You know the actor?" "Forest Whitaker?" "Yeah, I know who Forest Whitaker is." "See, he was in Blown _way." "l know he was in Blown _way." "So I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have thought you were Forest Whitaker." "No, you shouldn't have thought I was Forest Whitaker." "I'm not even black." "Yeah, I shouldn't have thought you were Forest Whitaker 'cause I lust came back from the doctor's office, and he lust told me that I have this disease where l think that everybody is Forest Whitaker." "I'm so stupid." "I don't know." "You lust came from the doctor just now, and yet you still thought I might be him?" "Yeah, well, I thought the odds were crazy." "But I don't know." "What's up, guys?" "Hey -- Oh, my God!" "You guys going to Carol's?" "Busted!" "Did you hear us?" "We were lust talking about you." "See, my friend and I had this little confus" "Oh, my God!" "What the...?" "is this some kind of weird cloning thing?" "Okay." "Get it together." "You lust came back from the doctor, and he said you have a disease where you think everybody is Forest Whitaker." "So that means...." "You're not the real Forest Whitaker." "It's the wiggle dance lt's the wiggle dance lt's the wiggle dance lt's the wi" "Do that thing where you grab the tip of your penis really hard." "Okay, King." "No, no, no, no." "Be gone, court jester." "Not even your tomfoolery could turn this frown upside down." "My liege, what is the problem?" "What wind could calm your restless soul?" "You have every earthly desire at your fingertips." "You have the finest drink and entertainment in the land, and yet you are morose." "I am morose!" "I long for the touch of a maiden." "We have maidens by the score that would tend to your every desire." "No, no. I long for the touch of a maiden of the sea." "For ages I've sent my finest fleets to the end of the seven oceans." "And yet every spring they return to me empty-handed." "Your Highness, perhaps the tales of these merwomen have been exaggerated and the sailors who have seen them have been deceived by their own eye." "Nonsense." "Who is this man?" "That man is Captain Maximilian Crunch of the Ottoman Empire." "Our cursed enemies!" "Yes, but also the greatest sailor known to man or wolf." "I come with a gift, a peace offering between our two nations." "I have seen this mermaid." "Captain Crunch, you've seen one of the mythical merwomen?" "Not only have I seen this mermaid, but I've brought one here today." "You toy with me!" "I do not." "My land offers her to you." "I present Ariel of the sea." "Oh, my God." "She is gorgeous!" "Her eyes shimmer like the seas." "Her hair flows like the oceans." "And her breasts swell like the ocean." "Uh, Your Highness, I think that's a manatee." "Silence!" "Do not offend the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, that will one day be my queen." "No. I'm being serious." "I think that's an actual manatee." "They lust put a wig on it." "Egads!" "There are barnacles stuck on her." "Yeah." "Probably because she's a manatee." "Manatees get barnacles stuck to 'em." "Oh!" "She's been assaulted!" "A scar runs the length of her body." "Probably from a motorboat." "Manatees tend to get hit by motorboats." "Fear not, fair Ariel, for my nation will offer you protection." "For millennia -- nay, trillennia -- l've dreamed of meeting one of these mythical merwomen, for my body to merge with hers as one so that we might usher forth a new generation of sea-land men" "that might one day inherit the world." "Ariel, will you be my bride and welcome my advances?" "Joyous!" "Let us commence here on the floor." "Your Highness, please stop." "I think the Ottomans are playing a trick on you." "Let him do it." "Ariel, may I begin by touching you sexually?" "Your Highness, I beg you." "Please do not finger-bang that manatee." "Silence!" "The king needs privacy." "Your Highness, look, look!" "He's got a camera." "He's taking pictures." "Hey, guys, look." "Trumeter fell asleep at his desk." "What an asshole." "[ Laughter ]" "We should totally mess with him." "Yeah." "We should throw his computer down the stairs." "No, we should punch him in the face." "Hey, you know what we should do is we should use a book idea." "We should hit him in the nuts with a book." "No, no, no, no." "I read in a book that if you whisper suggestions to people while they sleep, you can affect their dreams." "Whoa!" "Yeah." "Can we make him gay?" "No, no, no." "But you can do all kinds of crazy stuff to him in his dreams." "Oh." "Can we make him gay in his dreams?" "No, dude." "Can we hit him in the nuts in his dreams?" "No." "Guys." "Watch me." "Here we go." "All right, Trumeter." "It's your first day of skydiving." "And you're up next to jump out of the plane." "Here we go." "You're gonna jump in 3." "1, 2, 3!" "You're out of the plane." "You're falling." "Oh, it's so beautiful." "This is the most fantastic experience you've ever had." "You feel the wind in your hair." "Right?" "It's great." "Now, get ready to pull your chute." "Here we go." "You're gonna pull the cord in 3." "1, 2, 3!" "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "It didn't work!" "Your chute didn't open!" "You keep falling and falling!" "You're so scared!" "You're so scared that you start to pee your pants." "You start peeing your pants." "You lust keep peeing and peeing and falling and falling." "There's some other dude falling beside you, and he's super hot." "No, dude." "Come on." "You're falling and peeing and falling." "Oh, no, Darren." "Here comes the ground." "What are you gonna do?" "You're gonna hit it." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "3, 2, 1!" "Splat!" "His head exploded!" "Scatter!" "We made his head blow up." "Did anyone see us?" "Do you know what this means?" "They're gonna suspend us with no pay." "No, this means we can physically affect objects in the real world by manipulating people's dreams." "They're not gonna let us have lunch in the office anymore." "Shut up!" "I've got an idea." "How long do you think it'll take you to pass out?" "Not long." "Here." "Let me press on your neck." "Okay." "All right." "Okay, he's out." "Sam, you're outside of a bank." "You walk towards it." "You go inside." "You're gay." "Shut up!" "You go into the vault." "You grab two big bags full of million-dollar bills." "And you come back to the office where you hide them in the file cabinet next to the microwave." "It lust does that." "It just does that." "Scatter." "Yeah." "No one can know that we have this power." "I know." "I'm serious." "Don't tell anybody about this." "I won't. I don't want to have to eat in the cafeteria." "Okay." "So mum's the word." "Honey, I'm home." "I had a weird day." "She was sleeping." "Good." "So was the kid." "Why does everybody go to bed so early in this house?" "So you see, as soon as the Mayflower arrived, the Indians immediately attacked the boats, saying, "You've got to fight us, or we'll go back to Europe and rape all your babies."" "Hello, Margaret." "Who are you?" "I am the fairy of womanhood." "Oh, no!" "That's right." "Today is your special day." "You mean...?" "Yes." "Today's the day I turn on your womb." "Not now. I'm in the middle of social studies." "Oh, Margaret." "Womanhood waits for no one." "Now spread those legs 'cause here we go!" "Wait!" "No!" "Stop!" "Margaret, do you have a problem with our forefathers' treatment of the savages?" "No." "Good." "All right, now, these godless assholes had the nerve..." "All right." "Let's clear out those cobwebs and fire up those ovaries." "Listen, fairy, I don't want to become a woman here in the middle of class." "Could we at least wait till I get home?" "Oh, Margaret, there's nothing to be nervous about." "The shedding of one's uterine lining is a symbolic transition from childhood to adulthood." "Nothing could be more natural." "Now, here I go!" "Wait, no!" "Oh!" "Margaret." "That wasn't very nice." "Now, spread those legs and accept your fate." "No, you'll never get me!" "Never!" "What's happening to me?" "Oh, my God!" "It's not going to be that bad." "Now stop making me angry." "You'll never get me." "Never." "Margaret, what's going on around here?" "Who are you?" "I'm rationality." "Rationality?" "That's right, Margaret." "Don't you think it's a little pointless to try and avoid an inevitable part of growing up?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Every woman has to menstruate." "It's a part of life." "And besides, there are plenty of cool things to come along with growing up, like wearing makeup, driving cars, or getting dick." "I suppose." "Don't fight Mother Nature." "Just relax and bleed." "Okay." "Thank you, rationality." "Good-bye, Margaret." "Good-bye." "Good-bye, Rationality." "Will I ever see you again?" "I'm afraid not." "You can't have both." "Good-bye." "Good-bye, Rationality." "Good-bye." "Good-bye, Rationality." "Good-bye." "Good-bye, Rationality." "Good-bye." "Well, I see no one showed up for the first day of ninja school." "Or did they?" "Oh, you must be our new "haybenar" guy." "Yes, AR guy." "Matthew Williams." "So are there any new bands I should know about?" "I have some good news and some bad news for you." "Only good news, I hope." "Well, the good news is that I found this amazing new band." "That's great." "They're young, they're good-looking, they're talented." "They have a sound all their own." "They're kind of like a cross between the Beatles and the Arcade Fire with a hip-hop twist." "All those things make money." "Yes, I know, I know." "And what's even better is that they want to sign with us." "We're their first choice." "Well, let's sign 'em." "Here's the thing, though." "The name of the band is Our Label Is Run By Homos." "But then people would think that we're...." "l know." "But we're not!" "I know." "Well, they will have to change their name." "That's the one point they won't move on, sir." "Okay." "Let me get this straight." "If we were to sign this band...." "Our Label Is Run By Homos." "We'd have to put out T-shirts and CDs and posters that say...." "Our Label Is Run By Homos." "This better make a lot of money." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "We'd like to thank everyone for coming out to our CD-release party." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "And to all our fans and all the press that's here, we couldn't have done it without you." "And without further ado, I'd like to introduce the head of our label," "Mr. Jim Gibblecost." "Jim!" "Gibblecost!" "Whoo!" "[ Applause ]" "Thank you." "I'd like to thank the members of the press for coming out this evening." "We're very excited to be working with this particular band." "They've got a great sound." "And we're very proud to be in business with..." "Our Label Is Run By Homos." "[ Laughter ]" "And I hear a lot of snickering." "So I'd like to take this moment to point out that the band's name is just a name." "It has nothing to do with myself or any of my colleagues at our fine label." "So without further ado, I present to you their debut CD:" "[ Laughter ]" "And I'd like to take a moment and reiterate that this is lust the name of the CD." "We have no control over what they title things." "That was in their contract." "Now, the CD itself has 12 cuts on it of various titles." "And the first single has been getting a lot of positive publicity from the " "What's the single's name?" "Yeah." "What's the single's name?" "The first single is titled..." ""l'm Really Sorry I Keep Lying About Being Gay." "I'm Just Really Concerned About How People Will Take It," "So I've Called This Press Conference and Am Using This Band and CD" "As Sort of an Excuse to Test the Waters."" "[ Laughter ]" "And again, I know this sounds particularly specific, and this may be confusing." "And I want to make sure everybody understands this because I see a lot of the press is frantically writing stuff down." "We do not have control over " "Mate, be brave." "Come on, now." "You know what's going on here." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Rick Simmons." "Rolling Stone magazine." "What are some other track names?" "Read him some more names, mate." "Yeah." "Read them." "[ Laughter ]" "Umm...." "Well, there's...." ""So, Seriously, What Do You Guys Think?" "Will You Still Respect Me, and Can I Drop This Charade?"" "Which, again, is lust a name." "There's... ." "Nope." "Nope." ""l've Known For a While Now, Since Secondary School, but I've Been in Denial."" "Which is silly." "I think we all know what they're doing." "It's the same thing over and over." "It's not very funny." "I don't think anyone here finds it funny." "Read them Track 4." "Yeah." "Track 4!" "No." "You know what?" "I think I won't read Track 4." "I think I'm done reading the track names." "If anybody is interested in the CD, they're in the lobby on the way out." "I think that's all well and good." "We can lust...." "Yes?" "_ou _now Rolling Stone is doing the cover on the boys here?" "Yes." "And thank you for that, Rick." "What is the name of Track 4?" "[ Laughter ]" "Right on." "Track 4 is...." "And this is childish." ""l, the Person Standing Before You at This Press Conference Drink Ball Juice."" "[ Laughter ]" "And again...." "Rock 'n' roll!"