"[Theme music]" "ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants" "See, we're just like you" "We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs" "See, we're just like you" "Yes, we graduate from Harvard" "At the head of my class!" "But if you take sobriety" "I may not pass!" "There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my" "We're just like you!" "GREG:" "Everyone makes mistakes." "Hell, history's full of them." "Betamax, Waterworld, your brother who's 16 years younger than you." " Tardy?" " Hi." "I'm not supposed to do this." "GREG:" "There's really no shame in making mistakes... just as long as nobody knows about them." "You're Dottie Sunshine from Sweetknuckle Junction, right?" "Hi." "I'm Leo Kornelly." "I work at Goodwill, remember?" "You know, when you dropped off that box of old clothes." "You were the guy behind the counter who was doing all the funny impressions." "Yeah, when people give, I like to give back." "Anyway, the reason why I'm here... is you may have left something important in that box of junk." "That's so sweet." "You came all the way here and got past the guard just to give it to me?" "Not exactly." "You see, what I found, imagine my surprise, was a tape of you." "[Whispering] It was a dirty tape." " Oh, my God." " Yeah." "Please give it back to me." "If you were familiar with the rules of Goodwill... you would know that we can't return items or accept carpets or stoves." " What do you want?" " You see, I'm an actor like you." "At least I've been trying to be for the last 12 years." "Check it out." "I can be serious." "I can be funny." "I slipped." "I can be a gondolier." "Would the nice lady like a pizza?" "[Mumbling animatedly]" "DOTTlE:" "You're very good." "LEO:" "I know." "So when I saw in the casting call... that your show was looking to add a singing mailman, I thought:" ""What a coincidence!" "You guys need a singing mailman..." ""and I have your dirty tape!"" "So you're blackmailing me to get a part on the show?" ""Blackmail is such a dirty word." Jack Nicholson, Chinatown." "And yes, I am." "Look, I would love to help you out... but Sweetknuckle Junction is a network television show." "They don't just let anybody be on it." "[Lively instrumental music]" "TARDY:" "I'm strong now." "[Tardy squeals]" " Hi, Dottie, I saw your hooters." " What?" "Those new guys playing your sidekicks on the Dottie Hears a Hoo sketch." " Hello." " Right." "OWL #2:" "Nice melons." "OWL #1:" "Juicy." "What is wrong with you people?" "[Dottie crying]" " Are you okay, Dottie?" " Yes, Greg." "Go away!" "You don't look okay." "Come on, what's wrong?" "I can't tell you." "It's too embarrassing." "Is it more embarrassing than peeing your pants during a Little League game... then to hide it, you fall in a puddle, but nobody buys it... and everyone starts calling you Puddle Pants?" "Yeah, it's more embarrassing." "Is it more embarrassing than seeing Nightmare On Elm Street... and you're so scared, you pee yourself, so you pour soda on it... but nobody buys it, and everyone changes your name... from Puddle Pants to Pepsi Pants?" "Yes, Greg, it's more embarrassing!" "GREG:" "What's wrong?" "This guy has a videotape of me doing something of an adult nature." "[Greg exclaims]" "You mean like, sexual stuff?" "No, it's me voting." "Yes, it's sexual." "He has a tape of me stripping and he's blackmailing me to get on the show." "Skatchamagowza, you were a G-string diva?" "No, it was nothing like that." "I was young..." "I was dating this really cool guy named Ira who went off to dental school." "Like many aspiring dentists of the day, Ira was really into M.C. Hammer." "So, one night, I set up a video camera... and I put on some genie pants... and I danced around seductively to U Can't Touch This... and then I took them off... and I touched it." "It's a tale as old as time." "I've got to get this guy on the show." "He said he'd put the tape on the lnternet and then everyone will see it." "I'm sure that if you just tell Mr. Bender what's going on" "No, I can't tell Gil, because then he'll tell Alison, and I'll get fired." "Oh, God." "And then my parents..." "They can't find out." "This would kill them." "Let me talk to the rest of the cast." "Maybe they can help." "No, you've got to swear to me." "You can't tell anyone." "Okay, I swear." "[Popular '80s funk music]" "alison:" "Oh, my God." "Then instead of taking me home, as I asked him obviously to do... he takes me to his home." "Get it?" "Like, his home." "Alison, sometimes I ask people "What's new?" just to be polite." "HAMSTER #1:" "Moment of your time, please." "GlL:" "What can I do for you fellas?" "We're here on official union business." "The Loyal Brotherhood of Hamsters." "Local 146." "We're putting in a formal request." "We want a couch for our exercise wheel." " Yeah." " You want a couch for the wheel?" " Yeah." " I'm sorry, fellas." "There's no money in the budget for a couch." "Then you leave us no choice there, Bender." " A shop steward for the hamsters." " Local 146." "I'm calling for a work slowdown." " Yeah." " You guys can go slower?" "That's for us to know... and you to" "Okay." "Bye, fellas." "Off you go." "[Hamsters grumbling]" "By the way, I know about the gin in your suck nozzle." "HAMSTER #1:" "I got your suck nozzle here." "HAMSTER #3:" "Good one." "There you are, Gil." "I hear you're casting for a singing mailman." "Yeah, he delivers letters of the alphabet." "[Exclaiming and laughing]" " That's very inventive." " Thank you." " Did you think of that?" " No." "Anyway, you're not going to believe who I can get for this part." "When you think of Broadway, who do you think of?" "Nathan Lane?" "You can get Nathan Lane?" "No, bigger." "Leo Kornelly!" "Never heard of him." "He's been in everything." "He's huge." "He's got more Tonys than the mob." "[Drum roll]" "Tardy, get off the drums." " Drumsticks can also be chicken." " Now." "I'll be honest." "I don't have time for a long casting session this week... so I'll take your word for it." "But this Leo better be great." "Great?" "Before he was in The Fantasticks, it used to be called the Just Okays." "[Drum roll]" "I'm a rock star." "GlL:" "Tardy." "[Tardy squeals]" "So where did this Leo guy come from?" "He's been on Broadway." "You've heard of him, right, Greg?" "Are you kidding?" "Who hasn't heard of..." "[Whispering] Leo Kornelly." "And by the way, guys, Leo is a little quirky." "He'd prefer it if you didn't talk to him too much." "Fine." "The last thing we need is a disgruntled singing postal worker." "If anyone's going to go nuts and kill everyone, it's going to be Jack." "There's some bad craziness out there." "I, for one, welcome my brother from the stage." "It will be nice to finally have a true actor... to help me carry the show's full dramatic weight." "Here's your banana for the Punky, the Chunky Monkey sketch." "Try not to eat it this time." "Well, that was unfortunate timing." "Apparently, Mr. Kornelly is here." "He's on his way in from Wardrobe." "So why don't we all take our positions for his dance number... and let's show him that we're professionals, too." "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "Hey, everybody." "[Drum roll]" "[Leo exclaiming]" "[Dottie exclaims]" "[All sigh]" "How about that entrance?" "You like it?" "I just made it up." "I found the crutches in the hallway." "[Gasping]" "Could somebody help me, please?" "Hey, Dottie." " Gil Bender, Producer/Director." " Hiya, Gil." "How are you doing?" "Leo, Warren Demontague." "The pleasure is mutual." "I'm looking forward to our scene together." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I'm playing a mailman... why would I be doing a scene with a dog?" "[All gasp in shock]" "I, sir, am an actor first... a puppet second, and an ape third!" "I am not a dog, but if I were, I would bite you thusly." "[All screaming]" "WARREN:" "That son of a bitch!" "Yeah, he does that to all the guest stars." "WARREN:" "I'm all right." "After Warren bit Robert Downey Jr." "he was high for two days." "And you are?" "Jimmy." "I don't recall ever seeing you on the show." "No, I'm not an actor." "I'm a production assistant." "I do all the behind the scenes." "I work in the..." " Gil, who is that?" " That's our new mailman." "He's creepy." "He looks like a real mailman." "[Dottie chattering]" "GlL:" "Okay, places, everybody." "This is a rehearsal." "Now, remember, people, motivation." "GlL:" "Greg?" "GREG:" "Yeah?" "You wonder what the mailman has in store for you today." "[Greg murmurs]" "Jack, you hope it's a bunch of letters and a zippity song." "Here we go." "Action." "GREG:" "I wonder what the mailman has for us today." "Hopefully, a bunch of letters and a zippity song." "[Lively song]" "[Singing] Hey, Mr. Mailman, what's in your sack?" "Letters for Dottie, letters for Jack" "I hand out letters That's what I do" "I hand out letters to you, you, and you" "I pass out letters from nighttime till noon" "I make people happy as I yodel a tune" "[Leo yodeling]" "I don't know where this guy came from, but return to sender." "Because he's a mailman and he's bad." "[Singing] Wind and snow, sleet and hail" "I sing a song, and I bring the mail" "Or if you prefer I will lay down my rap" "I'm so versatile I can also scat" "[Scatting]" "[Singing] Who's got the moves?" "Me" "Who's got the ankles and the knees?" "Me" "[Leo scatting louder]" "I hope you guys were filming... because I don't think I can do it that good again." "[Bell rings]" "GlL:" "I don't believe it." "GlL:" "Dottie said he was a big star on Broadway." "alison:" "The only thing he's done on Broadway is sell crack." "You see?" "You got to go in there and tell them the truth." " I can't." " Then they're going to fire Leo." " No." "I've got a plan." " I don't know." "Whatever it is, I don't think it's a good idea... unless of course it involves me getting dressed up in some disguise... preferably a sombrero." "Okay." "You guys, wasn't Leo great?" "No, Dottie." "He was a pathetic hack." "It's hard coming into a new place... when he's surrounded by such talented actors." "Most of these people suck." "They only look good in comparison to him." "I mean it." "Most of you, you really do suck." "We're talking about Leo." "Fine." "But I've been meaning to bring it up for a while." "All right, where's Leo now?" "The last I saw him, he was taking a fax machine out to his car." "I can't reach the pretzels." "I know Leo's horrible, but I need you guys to help me make sure..." " he doesn't get fired." " Why?" "I can't say." "Come on, you guys." "This is really important to me." " Pretzels." " Would you give him a freaking pretzel?" "DOTTlE:" "I'm begging you." "Help me convince Gil and Alison that Leo's got talent." "There's a such thing as artistic integrity." "Yeah, we're not going to sell out the show." "I'll take you all out for sushi." "[Exclaiming]" "BLAH:" "I suppose I could use a little spicy tuna roll." "DOTTlE:" "Come on." "TARDY:" "Pretzel!" "Well, Dottie, thanks so much for stopping by." "Great job with Leo, incidentally." "Any other friends you want me to cast..." "like a guy with no arms for the Patty-Cake sketch?" "That's mine." "I just said that a minute ago." "No, you said something about a guy with no arms... to play Who's Got Your Nose?" "which makes no sense to me at all." "Why doesn't that make sense?" "Just because someone has no arms, you can still grab their nose." "No, it's the guy with no arms who is grabbing the nose." "Yeah, okay." "How much do you two get paid?" "Anyway, I can guess why you're all here, and don't worry, we're firing Leo." "The guy stinks." "What are you talking about?" "He's brilliant." "And I'm not the only one who thinks so." "Right, guys?" " Gil, the man is a genius." " Clearly ahead of his time." "If he's ahead of his time, that doesn't do us any good now, does it?" "He's only about three weeks ahead of his time... so by the time the show airs, he'll be perfect." "JACK:" "Come on." "GlL:" "You want him to stay?" "Si, Señor Leo es muy taliente." "[Traditional Spanish music]" "Fine, we'll keep him." "But when I bring the episode to the network and they hate it... we will have to recast and we'll be re-shooting everything this weekend." "Hold on." "I'm sorry." "I've got Pilates." "No, I've got time reserved at the kiln." "I was going to give flowerpots to all of you for Earth Day." "I will be spending the entire weekend up in wine country... which is what I call the room above my garage, so..." "But it's worth it, right, guys?" "I mean, it's just one weekend." "[All mumbling disappointedly]" "DOTTlE:" "Guys?" "WARREN:" "No." "Come on, guys." "That Frenchman is Greg." "Guys?" " Will you fire him or should I do it?" " No, it's my responsibility." "Let me write the note." "I'll have Jimmy slide it under his door." "[Dottie crying bitterly]" "You're doing the right thing there, Gil." "The guy sucks." "[Popular '80s funk music]" " Leo, wait." " I cannot believe they fired me." "They didn't even have the decency to do it to my face." "They just slipped a note under my door." " What kind of people are these?" " Them?" "You're a blackmailer!" "I may be a blackmailer, but it's only because I wanted to be an actor so much!" "At least I know I can leave here with dignity and class." "I will see you on the lnternet, lady." "All right, guys, I was sworn to secrecy, but I'm going to tell you anyway." "Leo is blackmailing Dottie... because he's a got tape of her stripping for her dentist boyfriend... to the tune of M.C. Hammer's U Can't Touch This." "WARREN:" "This is rich." "GREG:" "Guys, she needs our help." "Yeah, someone should do something." "Let's call the cops." "Maybe they'll do something." "We're a theater troupe." "Theater troupes take care of their own." "I say we find this M.C. Hammer and kill him." "Well, what are we waiting for?" "To the Blahmobile." "Well, what are we waiting for?" "To the Blahmobile." "Wait, I rode my bike today." "[Adventurous instrumental music]" "Come on, Jack, hurry up." "We're going to lose him." "Yeah, we're going to lose that." "All right, men, let's get a weapons check." " I've got a wrench." " I got a rope." "I got a candlestick." "Guys, we're going to beat up Leo, not play Clue." "Let's focus." "We've got to be ready for everything." " I'm scared." " You have a cantaloupe, Tardy." "I feel better now." "There he goes." "He's pulling into that scuzzy motel." "WARREN:" "I'm having total déjà vu." "That's right." "I bring whores here." "[Adventurous instrumental music continues]" "BLAH:" "All right, let's do this thing." "My brass knuckles." "[Jimmy mumbling]" "WARREN:" "Somebody hold my car keys, will you?" "Little Green Bagby George Baker playing." "HAMSTERS:" "We want a sofa." "Not Jimmy Hoffa." "HAMSTERS:" "Hey!" "Whoa!" "If you want to get inside... you're going to have to try and cross our picket line." "Yeah." "[Hamsters shouting]" "Gil, Alison, this is for you." "It's about what happened with Leo." "It's all in the letter." "I just wanted you to hear it from me." "I'm sorry." " It's a letter of resignation." " She's really upset." "She dotted her "l's" with frowny faces." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Tardy." "Ouch!" "Someone knock and say he's the pizza man." "Pizza man?" "Safety is at stake." "Careers are on the line." "This situation demands realism." "[Warren sniffs and clears throat]" "[Knocking]" "Room service." "LEO:" "I didn't order-- WARREN:" "Die, you bastard!" "What the..." "We came for Dottie's video and we're not leaving without it." "jimmy:" "And it better be rewound." "GREG:" "Yeah." "Okay." "Wow." "You guys really mean business, don't you?" "Yes, we do, Leo." "Or shall we say M.C. Hammer?" "So do I." "[Buzzing and crackling]" "Oh, please." "I played the unscrupulous owner of a nursing home... in a very well-received episode of Diagnosis Murder... and I think I know a prop when I see one." "[Screaming]" "And that is not a prop." "All right, you're all such great actors." "Why don't you act like you're putting your weapons down?" "Jack, you were in Nam." "What do you do when someone points a weapon at you?" "You spend three years in a bamboo cage." "Leo?" "Guys, what are you doing here?" "We came to get your tape back." "Oh, my God." "I can't believe you came here to help me." " I can't believe you told them." " But" "You guys are so sweet." "You are so dead." "Could we just stop the chitchat?" "What do you want?" "I want to buy my tape back." "Here's all the money that I have and the pink slip to my car." "I'm not doing this for the money." "I've already got a cool car and a great place to live." "I'm doing this because I want to be in show business." "Maybe we can help." "DOTTlE:" "Gil, Alison!" "Look, Leo, give us the tape and we'll put you back on the show... and not just for an episode." "You can be a regular." "I ain't falling for that." "I want it in writing." "We thought you'd say that... so we brought a contract." "Let's see the tape." "Let's see the contract." "Back off!" "Greetings from the Loyal Brotherhood of Hamsters!" "Local 146." "Yeah." "[Screaming]" "GREG:" "So, everyone makes mistakes... but that's okay as long as you also make friends." "Friends will do anything for you... especially if they have friends who will do anything for a couch." "Thanks you, guys." "This means so much." "Don't even think about it, Warren." "Damn." "I was going to take it with me up to wine country." "Don't mind the writer." "I'm sure if I was an actor... everybody would be right in here to help me up." "Wouldn't you?" "[Groaning]" "I'm in pain." "Pain and ouch." "Hello." "Pain, man on the floor." "Man down." "There's a man down!" "Does anybody see the braces here?" "If I could walk, I wouldn't be here." "Hello, writer on the floor." "Is there nobody?" "Hello?"