" and we're very happy to welcome back our old friend jane pauley for another segment in her series "life reimagined."" "and, jane, it sounds like your guest this time has had a lot of time to reimagine his life." " nothing but time, matt." "currently serving a five- to seven-year prison term, senator vernon smits is a man at a crossroads." "i caught up with him recently at the federal correctional institution in cumberland, maryland." "the two-term senator's life has been turned upside down by his conviction, although he's lost none of his mischievous charm." "senator smits, so much has changed since we last sat down." "you'd just been re-elected, and now, you find yourself incarcerated." " we all live in prisons, jane." "come on, huh?" "sure, some have orange clothes and bad food, but there are others that are hellholes of the mind, inescapable pits of self-loathing and fear." "i used to live in one of those pits." " so prison has freed your mind?" " my soul, really." "it's freed me to re-envision my life of service, so now instead of serving 700,000... mostly white people, i now serve the source of all creation." " god?" " good guess." " and yet..." " and yet." " you'll always live with what you did that day at the amusement park, won't you?" " aw... jane, what happened to you, hmm?" " so, apparently leland saw some pretty serious action over in the sandbox." "something that i know a little bit about." " oh, please, daddy, don't remind me." " oh, fair enough, sweetheart." "i put the family through a lot." " oh, this says that colonel grimmel dragged nine men to safety..." "under heavy fire." " just doing his job." "i suspect he didn't even report it." "i wouldn't have." " oh." " can i..." " pretty impressive gathering." " medal of honor's a pretty big deal, man." " so how do you get one of these bad boys anyway?" " you've got to distinguish yourself conspicuously by gallantry and intrepidity at risk of life." " well, there must be a way to game it." "who nominates?" " it comes up through the chain of command, but sometimes the skids needs a little greasing." "it was my great honor to help out a former player." " so he owes you double, and now you've got a war hero campaigning for you in the general." " well, we hadn't discussed that, but...i can't stop him if that's what he wants to do." "it's a free country, thanks to heroes like him." " i got to start giving you more credit, gil." "you're always thinking two moves ahead." " his idea of a good time isn't a big ceremony like this one." "he'd rather be somewhere up in the mountains, or on a trail surrounded by cedar trees instead of cameras." "but i think our nation needs this ceremony today." " that's my boy." " any word on the pardon for vern?" "he's not doing too well in the can." "it's just not a good fit." " you know, i'm not in the loop on the pardon stuff, but realistically, i see no chance for him." " why is that?" " well, two words.." "amusement park." " who jacks food from the white house?" " you didn't do this when you were an aide?" "load up at receptions?" " yeah, cheese cubes and crackers, but you're boosting high-end shit." " i need carbs." "this is my only real meal of the day." " flash hug!" " oh." " i never get to see him anymore, senator." "you are working him too hard." " worse than you think." "see you back at the house." " leland, god damn it, son." "what a proud day for you, and for the whole state, and for me." "look at you, medal of honor hanging proud from our tar heel colors." " yeah, it does kind of feel like home, huh?" "hey, listen, coach, i was wondering if we could get together today, you know, away from all the crowd." " hell yeah, son, we got a lot of catching up to do." "you come by the office later this afternoon." "i'll have tammy clear my schedule." "and get us some cigars, good ones." " got you covered, big guy." "habanos, i'll send some over." "colonel, andy guzman, heard a lot about you." " i wonder who from." " from your citation." "went on a bit, but it was very impressive." "we should talk." "i'd love to get you down to florida." " hmm." " ahem." " oh, excuse me... colonel, this is my fiancee, adriana de portago." " ma'am." " fiancee?" "senator!" "ma'am!" " he proposed in puerto vallarta during recess." "he played the ukulele, and sang the most beautiful little song." " i just rewrote the lyrics to blurred lines, that was all." " ah, well, congratulations, sir, and ma'am." " thank you, and to you, and thank you for your service, and your gallantry, and your intrepidity." " those words don't get out enough." " andy!" " excuse me, colonel, we'll talk, okay?" " ooh, look at that." "it's so big." " kudos on the straw poll, you freaking rookie." " oh." " who died and made you front-runner?" " christie." "seriously, those things are meaningless, lamar." "i probably should've pulled myself out." "truth is, i'm still exploring." " i don't envy you." "glad my senator doesn't see a president in the mirror." "he sees yves st. laurent." "mm." " what?" " not here." " i thought we'd agreed to stop hiding." " not hiding is different than mauling me in the east room." " excuse me?" "your partner is lightly touching your shoulder." "deal." " look!" " what is it?" " um, the south lawn." "look how lush it is." "who knew the democrats gave a whit about lawn care?" " well, they have to, daddy." "it's the people's lawn." " oh, christ." " what?" " got to go." " both phones." "look at this guy, here." "world can't get enough of him." " you need to get back to the office right away." " yeah." "excuse me." "let's go." " what's going on?" " nothing." " not nothing, politico just-- - politico just posted some story about the tv light falling during my rebuttal speech." "they're saying it was staged." " so bizarre. who stages nearly getting killed just to look unflappable?" " more to the point, who makes up a story like that?" " that is more to the point." "who is capable of this?" "rand paul?" "i wouldn't have thought so." " rand paul, of course!" " whoever it is, it can't go unanswered." "i'll put out a blanket denial." " uh, blanket?" "you think we should go full blanket?" "let's call in the team, explore our options, war-room it." " yeah, this could blow up." "you better war-room it." " you guys know we don't actually have a war room, right?" " it's got to be rand paul." " what do you smell?" "could it be chateaubriand from the chef at the white house?" "yes, it could." "yes, it could." " your wife, senator." " what is it, maddie?" " gil, have you heard what charlotte's doing?" " oh, i have, ma'am." "i saw it this morning on tmz." " christ, what now?" " she's in one of those reality shows." " real daughters of d.c." " a reality show?" "how could you approve a reality show?" " approve?" "she's 26, gil john." " but she lives in west hollywood." "how could she be a d.c. daughter?" " "all the girls are daughters" ""of actual united states senators." "they bond over the resentment of their powerful parents."" " excuse me, senator." "colonel grimmel here to see you." " leland's there?" " please come in, sir." " i better get over to the house." "i'll see you there, senator." "colonel." " nice to see you again, ms. stackhouse." " go, go!" " hey, coach." " leland, darling boy!" " mrs. biggs." " we could not be prouder of you if you were our own child." " actually, we could, considering what our own child is doing." " hush." "leland, i just saw you on the news in your dress blues." "you looked good enough to eat!" "you should run for office someday." "shouldn't he, gil?" "you could groom him!" " now, maddie, i'm sure the last thing leland wants to do is run for county commissioner or whatever." " well, actually, coach, that's what i wanted to come speak to you about." "last month, after news of the medal broke, the party kind of put out some feelers." " good lord, you are running for something." "that's wonderful news." " which party is that, leland?" " well, the democratic perty." " in north carolina?" "bad move, son." "what seat did you have your eye on?" " yeah, well, that's the thing of it, coach." "i'm running for yours." " i'm sorry, what?" " say again, son." " coach, look, the wing nuts in our state have been rolling back 30 years of progress, and you've just stood by." "north carolina used to lead the way, man, pulling the south out of its past." "someone's got to say no to all you-  are you fucking kidding me?" "you ungrateful little judas, who do you think gave you your start 20 years ago?" "who made you a star?" "gil john." "and you think you're wearing that medal because you're so much bigger and badder than all our other heroes?" "it's there because gil john biggs put it there!" "you get your treacherous little ass out of this office right now, out!" "you hear me?" "buster!" "attack him, boy!" "attack that son of a bitch!" "christ, i'm so mad i could spit!" "is he gone?" " do you need something, senator?" " oh, no." "no, no, no." "carry on." "actually...um...yes." "could you step into my office for a moment, please?" "so, hi." " hi." "okay, what's happening right now?" " nothing." "it's just been a long time since we had a friendly chat, and talked about our personal lives." " we have never talked about our personal lives." " we always talk about our personal lives." " how many siblings do i have?" " well, we should talk about our personal lives." "so...how's your gay relationship going?" " fine." "you ask because?" " because i noticed at the white house that the two of you were on full display." "full flower, so to speak." "lesbianic flower." " katharine had her hand on my back." "is that what you mean?" " look, julie... say i liked, i don't know, pole vaulting." "and say we're in a country where pole vaulting gives some people the willies..." "for some reason." "now, i don't have to stop pole vaulting in private." "i mean, this imaginary country is free." "but it might make things easier, all around, if i just pretended not to like pole vaulting in certain situations." " senator, is my relationship a problem for you?" " for me?" "no, no." "but if my wife found out... you know she thinks of you like a daughter, julie..." " mm-hmm." " and nobody wants to see their own daughter burning in hell for eternity." " no, i certainly wouldn't." " see?" "now you're just being smart." "so, we won't have to talk about this anymore?" " oh, no." "no, no, no." "uh, in fact, senator, i insist on it." "if you even mention my sexual orientation one more time, i will be quitting faster than you could say" ""gay pole vaulting."" " raising the question, was the accident staged?" " well, that's the fastest i've ever seen something become a "gate."" " our phone sheet is 15 pages long and everyone's on it-- anderson, o'reilly, all the fox blondes." "we need to get a denial out there right away." " i don't know if that's such a good idea." " are you guys... are you... please, please, please don't tell me this thing was staged." " i'm not saying that." " good." " but i am saying, we shouldn't say it wasn't staged." " oh, god." "this is real." "did you know?" "wait, don't answer that." "i can't afford a washington lawyer." " i don't know anything about anything, because there's nothing to know anything about, as far as i know, right?" " right, but here's the thing." "let's just say, hypothetically, someone arranged this." "the only other person who would know about it, again, hypothetically, is the gaffer who actually knocked over the light." "and, hypothetically, i'm sure we would've taken care of the gaffer financially, not to mention, he works for the campaign." "so who could be the source on this story, hypothetically?" " oh, my god." " what?" " i fired the gaffer." " you did what?" " what were you thinking?" " yeah, what was i thinking?" "he knocked a light over and almost killed my boss." "i should've given him a raise and a trip to hawaii." " you didn't think to run it by me?" " you didn't think to run your mentally challenged plan by me?" " are you kidding me?" " uh, something about shutting the fuck up." " listen..." "whatever happened here, it should have never have gotten out." "that's your fault, the two of you." "so i'll tell you what's gonna happen next." "all of us are gonna figure out the right way to handle this, except for andy, who's gonna put on his earbuds and listen to that lorde song that he likes on repeat so his deniability isn't compromised further." " i love you." " oh, you better." "i'll wave if we need you, okay?" " okay." " kill me." " hello, babies it's the love doctor coming to you with some sweet, sweet, sweet-- oh, jesus." "this is exactly what i did not want to happen." "louis!" " what's up, doc?" " can you grab the sound guy before he goes?" " senator bettencourt?" " yes, marta?" " who is "love doctor"?" " well, i'm the love doctor." "i prescribe commitment to love-deficient singles, 12 successful matches so far." " you arrange marriages, sir?" " i facilitate them." " my grandmother had an arranged marriage, and a dowry." " that's pretty old school." "oh, you know, things have changed for women since then, huh?" " oh, yes, my sister works in sex trade." " that's really not necessary, senator." " well, maybe not, but you never know where these glasses might have been." " they've been in a dishwasher." " hmm, which explains the lack of clarity." "look at this, louise." "the flute manager at the bellagio would have a coronary." " now, now, mr. braggy pants." "things can't always be like at home." " i'm just saying, if our great casinos used filmy stemware like this, they'd be out of business." " this arrived for you at the office, daddy." "hand delivery from the heritage foundation?" "oh!" " my bush!" " your what?" " i won a bush at the gala dinner auction." " oh, my goodness." "president bush painted that?" "what do you suppose he was thinking?" " isn't that painting famous, daddy?" "i think i saw it on buzzfeed." " it's possible." "i like it." "it captures a certain something." "when i look at my feet in the bathtub, that's exactly what it feels like." " yeah." " it really elevates the room, don't you think?" " whoa." "is that what i think it is?" " early dubya." " i mean, you can't hang it there." "i'm not gonna eat my cheerios looking at bush's bathwater." "well, it's about time." "where's young soo and susan?" " uh, held up at work." "don't worry, sir." "they'll be here on time." " they better be." "they owe me everything." "their lives were empty." " and your wife will be here." " she will?" " driving down today." "she's been trying to reach you." " i know. i've--i've been-- i've been busy." "it's about time." " i'm sorry, senator." "i got held up." " held up where, james?" " the bank." "i had to make a deposit." " i don't want to talk about it." " neither do i, but you asked." " spreading your seed that way is sinful, james." " it's $130, lola, which i need, and i'm helping the childless, who, i might add, had been abandoned by the so-called creator." " that's awful, james." " it's true." "i'm just filling in, and if i can bring joy to a fertile would-be mom, then $130 is a small price to...take." "what's wrong?" " i just don't see how you can sneak off to have a paid orgasm, and then show up at a garden party like nothing happened at all." " what?" "i was thinking of you." "i used your selfie from daytona beach!" " you all know me as dr. robert, the love doctor... rat on!" "rat on!" "rat on!" " but in real life, i play a united states senator." "so with the power vested in me by the state of euphoria, which governs such occasions, i hereby proclaim young soo and susan formally engaged." " aww." " mm, and i hereby tweeteth." " the love doctor has his own twitter feed." " lol!" "lol!" " what does that mean again?" " "lots of love."" " lol, lol." " hashtag, hashtag." " if i might take the baton..." " i am tweeting." " from the good doctor, i haveth a little surprise for the happy couple, who are here... to celebrate a little "dream" of their own." "gentlemen." " jesus christ, singing senators." "i am so sorry." " forget it." "♪ bom, bom, bom, bom, bom" "♪ bom, bom, bom bom, bom, bom, bom, bom ♪" " * mr. sandman..." " * yes?" " * bring me a dream - * bom, bom, bom, bom" " * make him the cutest that i've ever seen *" " * bom, bom, bom, bom - * give him the word" "♪ that i'm not a rover" "♪ then tell him that his lonesome nights are over ♪" "♪ sandman, i'm so alone" " * don't have nobody - * don't have nobody" "♪ to call my own" "♪ please turn on your magic beam ♪" "♪ mr. sandman bring me a dream - excuse me." "robbie." " eve!" "aaron told me you were coming down." "why didn't you call?" " i did, as you know." "but i can see you've been busy." " two weddings up on schumer." " and they say nothing gets done in this town." "listen, can we go upstairs and talk for a minute?" "like, right now?" " what, and miss louis' solo?" "please." " * and lots of wavy hair like liberace!" "*" " they know this is a chick song, right?" "about a guy?" " but liberace was gay." " yeah, but at the time, everyone pretended he wasn't." "remind you of someone?" " oh, by the way, he noticed you touching me at the white house." " what?" " mm-hmm." "we had a little chat." " give me a fucking break." " * bring us a dream" " that's it." " oh, my heart's bells!" " hey." " amazing." "just when things seem bad, life gives you a little present." " say something." "robbie-- - what do you want me to say?" " i'm sorry, robbie." "i didn't see this coming." "i certainly didn't expect it." " who is he?" " it doesn't matter." " who is he?" " someone i met at the opera." " the opera?" "but that's--that's ours." " it was ours, years ago." "he had the seat behind yours." "one evening, he asked why it was always empty." "i started crying." " what does he do?" " nothing." " psh, there's a future." " he's in the motorcar trade." " are you kidding me?" ""the motorcar trade"?" "does he--does he use writing instruments?" "does he wear timepieces?" "i mean, he makes fucking cars, eve." "he makes--what kind?" " lamborghinis." " we're going away, robert, tomorrow night." " what?" "where?" " monaco, the grand prix." "he wants me by his side." "it's nice to be needed again." "you know, i never minded that part." "i actually missed it." "nelson is drawing up the papers, but you'll need to get your own lawyer." "i gave the key to the safe deposit box to jill, if you want to dust off the prenup." " * lollipop, lollipop" " there doesn't have to be a whole lot of drama, robert, and it shouldn't hurt your campaign." "no one cares about this personal stuff anymore." " * lolli--lolli--lollipop - it happens to everyone." " senator, you just missed the singing senators!" "they did, like, the entire chordettes' songbook." " i'll be in the basement." " you should've invited colonel grimmel over, sir." "everyone would have been thrilled to meet him." "you did a great thing getting him that medal." "he's a true hero." "and so handsome, and well-spoken, and... i wouldn't be surprised if he ran for office one day." " and that's all you think it takes to do this job?" "a uniform, and a smile, and a fancy damn medal." "do you think that's all it takes?" " no, sir, there are other parts to the package... like intelligence, judgment, mental toughness, and perseverance." " you just assume leland has all these qualities?" " oh, i know, sir." "i mean, i spent days poring over his service records to write your medal of honor recommendation, and--and i couldn't find one single flaw!" " well, look harder, god damn it!" " sir!" " my bush!" "gil john, for the love of all that's holy, do you know how much i paid for this painting?" " you paid money for that?" " louis, how long do you think julie and katharine have been pleasuring each other?" " louise!" "we don't know that they ever have." "what you saw could have been a... a social kiss gone awry, an innocent slip of the tongue," "or maybe they were experimenting." "haven't you ever been curious?" "i haven't." "but i'm sure it'll all blow over." " hmm, louis, i know what i saw, and there was intentionality." "i'm positive as pie." "i think it's all joseph smith's fault." " what?" "louise..." " no, it is." "it's the legacy of polygamy." "all those wives, sitting around the parlor when it wasn't their turn, what were they supposed to do?" "a woman needs intimacy." "it's natural adaptation-- make that unnatural adaptation." "no wonder good mormon girls like julie think it's okay to be with other girls." "it's probably in their genes by now." " you think so?" " i do." "it just makes scientific common sense." " hmm." " here's the problem, maddie." "we just assumed that the primary was the worst of it, so we don't have a war chest left to deal with this son of a bitch." "so we're gonna have to go after dark money as soon as he announces." " what dark money?" " the super pacs-- they can hit leland lower and harder than i can." "i'm gonna have louis make an intro to the watt brothers." "i might have to kiss one or both rings, but those old boys can make the mud fly." " hmm." " it's not gonna be easy." "leland's a tough son of a bitch, hard to rattle." "you rip his face off, he grows another." " honey bear?" " hmm?" " you're beginning to scare me, darling." " yeah?" " yeah." "it's kind of a turn-on." " such a strange day." "one minute, katharine's calling me out for embarrassing the campaign." "the next minute, i come home to find her making out with julie in front of 50 people, one of whom probably tweeted a picture of it." "i mean, i hope not, for katharine's sake." "although, i'd probably check it out, you know, if it was out there." " sir, what does "self-deportation" mean?" " not a word you need to know, marta, i promise." "synch and corrected by kiberline"