"File this under amazing stories, my friends." "It seems that the National Organization for Women otherwise known as NOW, otherwise known as lesbians fond of plaid have chosen, once again, to take issue with yours truly." "These angry feminists and I say angry feminists like there's some other kind...." "Should we help her?" "We should." "So start helping her." "You don't need us to help her." "Why don't you?" "Why don't I carry your slippers in my mouth?" "That's an answer?" "You don't help her, you don't help us." "You're a big cow." "We'll have the appetizers while we wait for Pete and what's her name." "I didn't have tomatoes for salsa so we'll dip in hummus." "Sorry." "I don't care." "What we need in this country, my friends, is leadership." "Someone who can stand up to the liberals." "We need a return, God darn it, of the promise of the Reagan-Bush years." "A time of unequalled growth in this county." "We need Norman!" "Well, careful folks, you just might get me." "Please." "Can we get this idiot out of our living room?" "Who, Norman?" "He's a moron!" "Honey, he's a genius." "He can take any issue, no matter how trivial, and create a national debate." "He tells lies better than most tell the truth." "Please." "It's good to keep track of what the enemy is doing." "A storm is brewing, my friends." "Someone has to stop it." "Well, it's my TV." "That was truly puerile." "Okay, so who's Pete bringing?" "Jenny Tyler." "Not funny." "The kidnapped girl, that's funny." "It's very funny, it's just tasteless." "That's them." "Is it me, or does someone need to get laid more often?" "Yeah, me." "I'm available." "Talk to her." "What happened?" "Don't ask." "Cindy stood me up again." "Then my fucking Benz...." "No guest?" "Not exactly." "Zack?" "Zack, this is Marc." "Marc, this is Zack." "How are you doing?" "Zack picked me up in his truck." "What was wrong with my Mercedes again?" "Cracked manifold." "No shit?" "I said, "Can I?" My wallet...." "What do you need?" "A two." "That's good." "Thank you, Zack." "Thanks, I don't usually take charity." "I'll be seeing you guys." "No, no, wait." "Stay for dinner." "Why don't you stay?" "We're expecting a guest anyway, we got a place set." "I don't want to be any trouble." "No." "Please, it's horrible out." "You helped us out, so please." "Come on." "All right?" "What are you having?" "Lasagne." "Yeah?" "I can eat that." "Cool." "Pete, why not get a new car?" "But I love my car." "Maybe your folks can give you another hand-me-down Mercedes." "No, it would have to be a new car." "Twitchy was looking for you in the quad today." "No." "Yes, way." "No." "He had that big booty butt." "No, he was looking for me?" "Excuse me, aren't you all forgetting something?" "We eat our salad after the main course, European-style." "No, I mean grace." "We don't say grace." "You don't want to thank somebody for putting this nice food on your table?" "I hope you put in a good word for us heathens." "Oh, I did, but I don't think he heard." "So, Zack, do you live around here?" "Why do you want to know where I live?" "Just making conversation." "You see, every Sunday for about a year we've been inviting a guest over for dinner and discussion." "What do you talk about?" "Everything." "Life." "Current events." "The environment." "The law." "I don't live anywhere around here." "I drive a truck." "Zack was telling me on the way over here that he's actually driven through all 48 conterminous states." "Fascinating." "So, you all college students or something?" "We're grad students." "What's that?" "It means we've graduated." "We're earning our Master's degrees." "I'm going to be a master painter." "Master lawyer." "Masturbator." "Just plain master." "I'm studying social work." "Jude is actually continuing studies in...." "What is it this week?" "Psychology." "Thank you." "You paint those pictures there?" "Marc wants to be a time traveller." "Time traveller?" "You know, go back in time to change history." "What if the Confederacy had a liquid metal guy?" "Or what if Eisenhower was a girl?" "And what do you do again?" "Don't you know?" "I am a professional basketball player." "Are you making fun of me?" "No." "I'm getting my Ph.D. in political science." "That means I'm going to be a doctor." "Have you always driven a truck?" "No, I was in the Marines." "I was in the war." "War?" "What war?" "Desert Storm." "Was that really a war?" "I just thought that was a Republican commercial campaign." "You got a problem with patriotism?" "As a concept?" "No." "I love my country, and I will fight anyone who says different." ""Who was Joey Gerbils, 1933?"" "But wait." "Seriously, I don't think the Germans were actually patriotic." "I think it was a hysterical wave of nationalism." "Patriotism leads to nationalism." "No, not true." "Wait." "Which one had the designated-hitter rule?" "The American League." "Just wanted to know." "Hitler had the right idea." "Excuse me?" "That was an extraordinary statement, Zack." "I'm not saying that killing Jews was right." "If he really did." "There's no real proof, you know." "He killed six million Jews." "And millions of Gypsies and Catholics." "All numbers, really." "Nobody can prove it." "Funny, ain't it?" "When it comes to buying shit, the Jews always bring the numbers down." ""$2,000 for this old car?" "I'll give you $1,200, tops."" "When it comes to WWll, they're always pushing the numbers up." "First it's six million, then it's seven million." "Why don't we change the subject?" "Yeah, do you like the lasagne?" "No, I want to hear this." "Wait a minute." "What do you think, in your vastly finite wisdom that Hitler had the right idea about?" "It's common knowledge that the Jews, no offence were stealing from the Germans, like they do here." "Really?" "Yeah, it's a fact." "First of all, the Jews were Germans." "Come on, Jews ain't like that." "No, Jews ain't like that." "It's always being a Jew first." "That's why everybody hates them." "Everybody does not hate the Jews." "You're thinking about people who can read." "Marc, you're a Jew, right?" "Right." "All right." "If the U.S. was to go to war against Israel, who would you fight for?" "Well, I guess that would be the side that paid me the most." "How about you, Luke?" "If the U.S. was to fight Africa?" "Africa is a continent, Zack." "Yeah, I know that." "Which side would you take?" "What if the U.S. went to war against the Louisiana swamp you come from?" "How's that for heavy?" "Calling people names, that ain't polite." "Of course, that's always been the trouble with colored people." "Quick temper." "Excuse me?" "My grandfather used to say, if he knew you boys were going to be so much trouble, we'd pick the damn cotton ourselves." "Am I conscious?" "Yes." "Why don't we just eat?" "Fine with me." "Am I here?" "Grad students, shit." "You all don't know nothing about anything." "Yeah, Zack, I'm sure you're much smarter than we are." "Christ, I know what you all are." "You're a bunch of damn liberals." "What are you, a Nazi?" "Or is that too far to the left?" "You all think you're so smart, don't you?" "You all just sit back, whine and complain like you always do, but you don't do nothing." "A war comes up, do you fight?" "Hell no, you protest." "Protest can be a powerful thing." "Protest is for pussies." "Try fighting for something, putting your life on the line, before talking about powerful things." "You left-wingers make me want to puke." "You never take a real stand." "A stand that you'd be willing to" "Die for?" "No, boy, dying's easy." "Ain't nothing heroic about dying." "But if you can take a stand for something you'd kill for that's something." "Something special." "Okay, I think maybe you should leave now." "I'm fixing to." "Don't worry." "One of these days, all you bleeding hearts are going to learn that we're right." "Us people with jobs, I'm talking about." "Real people." "We do all the fighting, working, and dying, and you do all the bitching." "Grad students, I'm glad you all don't join up." "You wouldn't even know what to do, would you?" "Guess not." "What the fuck are you doing?" "I ain't gonna hurt him." "I'm gonna show you something." "A little experiment." "Okay, Zack, we get your point." "Fuck you all." "I fought for my country." "I killed for my country." "All the while, you were laughing back here, hoping we'd fall on our faces." "Please, stop it!" "Calm down, Zack!" "Fuck you!" "Look at your buddy here, scared white." "Blue eyes, a guy's holding a knife to your throat telling you he's going to kill you." "Yeah, he's going to kill you." "Then I'm going to rape your girlfriend before I kill her, too." "What are you gonna do, kike, bargain with me?" "Get this boy some balls!" "That shut you up, war hero?" "You think you can come in here and bully us?" "You threaten women?" "Some war, us against some Third World country!" "Pushing buttons and smart-bombing chimneys." "So tough guy?" "What did you train on, Nintendo?" "I bet you didn't even get off the boat, you ignorant fuck!" "You finished, rich boy?" "You have soft hands." "Stop it!" "You're hurting him!" "He's a tough guy." "He can take it." "I didn't mean to break" "ls he really dead?" "Yes, Paulie, he's really dead!" "It's a side effect of a knife in the back!" "Oh Christ!" "Oh Christ!" "Now you find religion." "Shut up!" "Look at all this blood!" "That was self-defense!" "He wasn't hurting you!" "Oh, my fucking arm, he broke my arm!" "Wait." "Am I an accomplice?" "Let's get ourselves together here now." "A little late to be getting rational, no?" "I had to do something." "The rest of you just sat there!" "He broke my fucking arm!" "He broke his fucking arm!" "He was a right-wing asshole." "That's still no excuse to kill a person!" "It's a good reason." "I'm a murderer?" "We must tell the police." "They'll understand." "Of course they'll understand." ""College kid kills farm-boy war hero."" "You'll probably just get a ticket." "Marc could plead insanity." "We'll cover for you, Marc." "Van Gogh did some of his best work in an asylum." "Thanks." "I can't believe this." "This man's dead." "He's not breathing." "He's never getting up again." "And all you can think about is Marc's future employment opportunities!" "We could discuss Zack's future opportunities, but at this point, I think they are limited." "Oh, my God!" "Calm down, Paulie." "Somebody give her a drink!" "I need a drink!" "I will not calm down!" "Nobody should calm down!" "You all act like we do this every Sunday!" "Invite a guest over and if we don't agree with his politics, then kill him!" "He pulled a knife." "He threatened to rape you." "We're all in shock." "We're just dealing with it in our different ways." "You got that right." "I say we just bury the cracker and eat dessert." "This is terrible!" "It's not that bad, Paulie." "People get killed every day." "People a lot nicer and more innocent than Zack." "If you want to feel bad, feel bad about one of them." "He was carrying a hunting knife." "What's up with that?" "Maybe he was a hunter!" "People shouldn't go around carrying big knives." "Hey, it's not illegal to carry a big knife!" "It should be." "Look what happened." "It is, however, illegal to stab someone!" "Especially in the back!" "Why don't you just give him your card!" "We have to tell the police!" "Yes!" "I'm not going to be an accomplice." "I really admire how you consistently put your feelings first before anybody else." "You're the one sending your boyfriend to the pokey." "Okay, listen!" "Let's just tell them the truth." "Zack got drunk." "Marc got drunk." "Marc stabbed him." "At worst, you'll get involuntary manslaughter." "I didn't get drunk." "I smoked dope." "Yeah, tell them that." "Listen, I'm being serious." "It was an accident." "They'll understand." ""Officer, to make a long story short, we had this guy over for dinner." ""He was rude, so Marc stabbed him in the back!" ""Do you have a problem with that?" Wake up!" "Bitch!" "All right, do I need a coat?" "I'll go with you." "Hold on." "Come on." "The police are an option." "They're the only option." "There is another option." "Yes!" "Take me to a hospital!" "Hear me out." "What if we just forget about it?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Listen." "Say we just bury this guy in the backyard or something." "People disappear all the time." "Especially in Iowa." "We probably saved him from an alien abduction." "We don't report anything." "We don't tell anyone." "We just let this pass." "No!" "We don't just let this pass." "No?" "You want to go to jail for this fascist fuck?" "He's dead, Luke!" "Exactly." "And nothing is going to change that." "Luke is right." "We all know it was an accident." "If we let this pass, we can go on with the rest of our lives." "If we don't let this pass, things will never be the same." "Things already will never be the same." "Have I mentioned that my fucking arm is fucking broken!" "Yes!" "Pete, where's Zack's truck?" "It's out front." "Good, this is what we're going to do." "Paulie, Jude, take Pete to the hospital." "Yea!" "Marc?" "Marc!" "What?" "I want you to help me bury the body." "Okay." "Then I'll drive the truck somewhere far." "Then...." "Marc!" "Marc?" "What?" "I want you to follow me in your car and bring me back." "You're serious, just pretend that this never happened?" "What never happened?" "Exactly." "Oh, Lord." "Is that the license plate from the Mercedes last night?" "Yeah." "Was it important?" "Probably not." "What are those?" "Leads on the kidnapping." "You go on TV talking about Jenny Tyler, everybody wants to talk to Alice." "Three guys have proposed already." "Nothing in the Times." "We're all clear in the Tribune." "Did you check the USA Today?" "Let's not flatter ourselves." "I'm not talking about the front page." "How about those Hawkeyes?" "I'm talking about the back page." "They have that little section on each state." "Just do it." ""Iowa, Ames." "City Council approves expansion of the Iowa State..." ""...athletic facility at a budget of $2,000,000."" "I think we're in the clear." "And will you take off those glasses and that homeboy hat?" "You got a problem?" "Asshole." "That's a guy we should have over for dinner." "Here's a hypothetical." "Here's a hypothetical." "If you try and trivialize this horrific situation with one of your stupid hypotheticals, I'll scream." "Just hear me out." "You're a time traveller" "Jesus." "It's 1909 in Austria." "You're in a pub having a schnapps with a stranger a young art student with one testicle." "Let's say his name is Adolf." "Adolf at this point in his life has done no wrong." "He's not bitter." "He's not angry." "He's committed no crime." "He does not bring knives to dinner." "He has not killed anybody." "He certainly hasn't started a world war." "Your point being?" "Do you kill him?" "Do you poison his schnapps to save all those millions of innocent people?" "Would Hitler drink schnapps?" "Look, this is ridiculous." "Zack was not Hitler." "How do you know?" "You can't look into the future, can you?" "I would kill the bastard slowly." "You know where I stand." "Pete?" "No comment." "I would use something blunt like a motherfucking chair." "Paulie, it's not like we're killing Mozart here." "We killed a guy that I am sure was an evil force on this planet." "An evil force on this planet?" "You have to start reading books without pictures." "You're not God." "You can't decide who's good or evil, who lives or dies." "But what if you kill somebody whose death makes the world a better place?" "But that's bullshit." "We have no idea that Zack's death makes this world any better." "My world feels better." "Maybe he was right." "Who?" "Zack." "Maybe he was right about how we only talk." "We sit back and let the conservatives do whatever they want." "They put aside their differences." "They achieve their common goals." "We always seem to get stuck arguing about the stupidest, tiniest, little things." "What, like murder?" "Conservatives are simple." "No, they're effective." "So we buy animal-friendly mascara or we stop buying grapes, but we don't do anything." "All we do is fight." "We do not fight." "Yes, we do." "No, we don't." "We do." "We're liberals." "We do the right thing." "Then how come the world is so fucked up?" "Because we don't run the world." "Exactly, we don't." "You see, we finally do some good." "Do some good?" "Think about all the right-wing assholes the world would've been better off without if someone had wasted them before they did any damage." "Anybody who ever killed an abortion doctor." "Pol Pot." "Idi Amin." "Josef Mengele." "Joseph McCarthy." "Joey Terrio." "From Dance Fever?" "No, it was the kid from sixth grade." "Broke my glasses eight times." "Little motherfucker." "And if they're such big assholes, we can't convince them." "You're sitting across from Hitler." "Still no comment?" "If it was Hitler, I would kill him." "Paulie?" "No." "No." "I would thank him for his schnapps get back into the time machine, set it for home and go to bed." "Which is where I am going right now." "Good night." "Good night." "I wouldn't want to stab him though, because that was too weird." "I would club them." "Obviously, we'd poison them." "Obviously." "I wouldn't want them to know that they were being poisoned." "It's bad enough they have to die." "I wouldn't want their last thoughts to be, "Hey, I'm being killed by these liberals."" "No, maybe we could scream and act like it's some horrible accident." "That way their last thoughts on earth wouldn't be horrible ones." "That's nice." "Jude already knows." "The blue bottle is bad." "The green bottle is good." "What is that stuff anyway?" "Arsenic." "None of us are going to do this." "Probably not." "But just in case the guy pulls a knife." "...just in case the guy pulls a knife." "Everyone, this is Reverend Gerald Hutchens." "This is Luke." "Luke, a pleasure." "Paulie." "Paulie, a pleasure." "That's Marc there." "And Pete." "Nice to meet all of you." "Nice to meet you." "I had no idea this meal was going to be so formal." "We like to take care of our guests, Reverend." "So, Reverend, where's your parish?" "We have a little parish outside of Maple Falls." "Really, that's where I'm from." "You must have seen our manger." "We have the biggest baby Jesus in the county." "I hope you're hungry." "I am famished." "And it all looks so delicious." "ls that apple pie?" "It's homemade." "Would you like to say grace?" "I would love it." "I had no idea that you younger people were into that." "That's very charming." "Shall we bow our heads?" "Bless us, Lord, for this bounty we are about to receive." "A fucking reverend?" "For this blessing of youth and kindness you have chosen to bestow upon me." "God bless us all." "So, Reverend, how do you and Jude know one another?" "I interviewed the good Reverend for a research paper I was doing." "Yes, on the vileness." "The vileness?" "The gay plague, of course." "On the use of secular therapy in comforting families of aids patients." "The good Reverend was kind enough to let me use his view as a counterpoint position." "So, you don't believe in comforting the families?" "No, I do not believe in comforting the families of irredeemable mortal sinners." "Are those biscuits made from scratch?" "Really?" "They're lovely." "aids is not a sin, it's a terrible disease." "Not quite." "Homosexuality is the terrible disease and aids is the cure." "ls there butter?" "Come again?" "Butter?" "Butter, yeah." "Thank you." "When you violate the moral, health, and hygiene laws you reap the whirlwind." "You can not shake your fist in God's face and get by with it." "Ready for more wine?" "No, wait!" "It's white wine and we're having meat." "We should wait for dessert." "Yes." "Surely, being a reverend you must have some compassion?" "Yes, Jesus himself would be one of the most compassionate men in history." "Why, yes, certainly." "But Jesus would never touch a homosexual." "But we're all God's children." "We are all God's children, but like children, we can get into trouble." "And when we do, we must be punished." "Gerald is the leader of God's Way." "God's Way?" "Homosexuals are the living, breathing cesspool of pathogens." "We simply propose to put them out on a desert island with enough foodstuffs to last them for their limited lifetimes." "And what would that be?" "Say, two years tops?" "That way, for a nominal cost to us they would all die." "ls that radicchio?" "Yes." "Has anyone close to you ever died from aids?" "Really?" "Really." "No." "I think it's time for dessert." "Yes." "Thank you." "I'd like to propose a toast." "I'd like to propose a toast." "To God's soldiers." "I like that." "This pie is delicious." "ls anything wrong?" "We're dieting." "Can I make a confession?" "Do you want more white wine?" "No." "I think this pie might be a little too rich." "Excuse me." "Is he dead?" "He's real dead." "Oh, God." "Maybe we should say the last rites or something." "No, you do that before." "We should just finish dinner before it gets cold." "How can you guys eat with a dead man at the table?" "What is your problem?" "You're the one that gave him his death sentence." ""l think it's time for dessert." What was that, Anne Rice?" "I think Paulie behaved, performed, beautifully." "So do I." "We gave him every chance possible." "I want to propose a toast." "To us, for making a difference for putting aside our differences and for making the world a better place." "L'Chaim." "Please pass the radicchio." "Butter?" "Don't choke." "Hit him on the back." "He's choking." "Not funny." "Are you okay?" "Jesus Christ, he switched the glasses." "He switched the glasses!" "Oh, my God!" "Get up, Marc." "The Heimlich!" "Call 911!" "No!" "Marc!" "Oh, shit!" "What?" "You jerk." "Jerk!" "Let's get him out of here." "Yeah." "This was in the paper today." "They want to do another gay pride parade." "Do you think that a bunch of gays and lesbians strutting through town constitutes a parade?" "Does anybody remember what it was like when we were kids and had parades that meant something that were about real, wonderfully festive events with people dressed in inventive costumes, like kings and queens." "Now that I think about it, that does sound a little like a gay pride march." "How often does a woman say, "No" but she really means, "Yes"?" "She says, "Stop, " but she means, "Keep going. "" "You can't bring the law into the bedroom, it's constitutionally wrong." "Isn't violating a woman's body constitutionally wrong?" "Isn't leading a man on wrong?" "If a woman accepts a date with a man, especially in this day and age she knows what he's after and she accepts." "So you think that all dates lead to sex." "I don't." "Man is the dominant species." "Women are the dominated." "They are the weaker sex and they always will be." "We're not talking about species." "A man does not have the right to rape a woman." "No, of course he doesn't, Paulie." "Rape is a terrible thing." "But it is also much rarer than people think." "When a woman cries rape, it's because she's already consented to sex." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "If she doesn't allow herself to enjoy it, then she feels used." "So women, vindictive by nature, cry rape." "And force the man to suffer the feelings of inadequacy that they themselves have created." "The world stops and you destroy the man." "It's quite self-defeating, really." "Keep them in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant." "No, I think that's a little sexist." "So this is what your parade is all about?" "We're stealing a chapter from the civil rights movement." "You got to fight for what you believe in, right?" "Absolutely, I think we can all drink to that." "Please." "Good evening, sorry to bother you." "I'm Sheriff Stanley." "I'm going door to door and asking people for information on Jenny Tyler the missing girl." "I'm wondering if you could just take a look at a few pictures." "If I don't use everything in my power to block that entrance innocent unborn children will die." "And if I have to kill someone to stop that, well that is what the Right to Life Movement is all about." "These hippies want our Native American, heaven forbid, I almost called them Indian, children to blame our forefathers for all of their trouble instead of their own." "Now, I'm the first to admit we took this country from the Indians." "But what in the world were they doing with it anyway?" "Shooting off bows and arrows and using seashells for money." "Die!" "You bastard!" "Brother, have you lost your mind, serving me this filthy swine!" "I can't eat this." "This is why the first thing we must do is eliminate the traitors among us." "Then we can concentrate on the true enemy." "Alice!" "When the rain stopped, the water went down to its normal level and it popped up." "Jack Mayr, with the leg brace, found it." "Have you searched it?" "Getting ready to go." "I think there's some blood under the mat." "See that, right there." "Yeah, bring it up." "I want to run a search on the plates." "Watch your step, it's slippery." "Hang on, Jenny." "I'm getting closer." "I never really thought of it that way." "Maybe you all are right." "Maybe they are just all people." "They got feelings." "They got family." "You are entitled to your own opinion, of course." "Yeah!" "It's true!" "You got to beat them homeless senseless." "Make sure they know their place." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, it's just my stomach is killing me for about three weeks." "Maybe it's all these tomatoes." "Bravo." "Yeah, real nice work." "I couldn't sleep." "I see." "Where have you been?" "I got to take a shower." "Can I join you?" "I've never met anyone who's anti-Earth." "I'm not anti-Earth." "I'm pro-earthling." "It's kind of hard to care about the greenhouse effect if you don't have a house." "You see, I think it all comes down to evolution anyway." "Survival of the fittest." "I mean, if the spotted owl's time is up hasta la vista, baby, I guess." "See now, your damn liberals, on the other hand they'd be protecting the rights of the dinosaurs if they could." "I would defend them, too, if they weren't already extinct." "A little wine." "All right." "Cheers." "Cheers." "I shoot skeet." "I have a license." "Well, you should never leave an unsecured gun in a car." "I know that." "I'm sorry." "My car, it was dead." "And a guy picked me up in a truck." "A truck?" "Yeah, and I didn't want to stop him with the rifle in my hand." "What kind of a truck?" "A pickup truck." "Did it look like this truck?" "Maybe, it was very dark that night." "But it's possible." "Was it this color?" "Yes, it's a possibility." "Yeah, sure." "Did you get a look at the driver?" "Honestly, I don't remember." "White man, black man?" "No." "White." "How do you say?" "Medium build." "That truck belonged to a known felon." "We found it dumped next to the Missouri River." "I want to show you a couple of pictures." "Maybe you could identify the man." "Nothing?" "No, sorry." "We found traces of blood inside the truck." "We're waiting for tests to see if it matches Jenny Tyler's." "That little girl?" "That would be horrible." "I want you to think about this really hard." "If you can remember anything or you see this man again, call me immediately." "Understand that?" "Of course." "You should consider yourself very lucky, Mr. Van Doren." "You might've been this close to a murderer." "We've been thinking." "About us." "You have?" "Yes." "We don't feel that we're giving people enough of a chance." "Remember the original plan?" "We said we wouldn't kill anyone unless we couldn't change their minds." "So we haven't changed anyone's mind." "Maybe we're not as smart as we thought." "Luke, the guy with the swastika sat down and you told him it was happy hour." "I figured, "Why waste the food?"" "What food?" "We're not even giving people a decent meal anymore." "The fag-basher had Chinese." "Chung King is not Chinese." "We had soy sauce." "Let's remember why we started this in the first place." "Yes, sir, master." "Catcher in the Rye is supposed to be art?" "Thumbelina is art." "Catcher in the Rye is just mean-spirited garbage Iittered with the "F" word." "I've heard enough." "How about a toast?" "Come on, this is pathetic." "Oh, come on." "A toast." "I'll get it." "Well, thank you." "Good evening, sir." "I'm sorry to bother you at the dinner hour but I'm going house to house to see if anyone has information regarding Jenny Tyler." "The kidnapped girl?" "Right." "I wonder if you'd look at some pictures?" "Sure." "You know, I've got some company" "It won't take a minute." "Have you seen any of these men?" "What is it, hon?" "Good evening." "Hi." "I'm sorry, this is...." "I forgot your name." "Don't worry, Officer." "He's not driving." "I trust you." "Sheriff Alice Stanley." "Paulie Layton." "My grandfather was chief of police in Maple Falls, way back." "Really?" "Maybe you'd like to look through this stack and see if you recognize any of the men in the pictures." "Sir?" "He...." "He was chief of police for over 32 years." "They called him "Big Smokey."" "He drank, too." "I'm sorry, Sheriff, but none of them look like anyone I would want to know." "Pretty scary-looking bunch, actually." "I don't know any of them." "You stopped on this picture." "Have you seen this man before?" "Yeah, no." "I mean, just...." "What was that?" "I don't know." "Why don't you go see if our guests are all right?" "Sorry!" "Jude's okay, but I think the dessert's about had it." "Good evening, Mr. Van Doren." "Hi, Sheriff Stanley." "Is this the house where you were dropped off that night?" "We're roommates." "Maybe that's why this picture is familiar to you." "Have you seen this man before?" "No, they haven't." "Remember when he dropped me off, you were all inside, remember?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Inside...." "He was like, dripping wet." "It was like wet." "It was pouring out." "You went through the stack pretty quickly." "Would you like to take another look?" "No." "I told you, they're very scary-looking." "I've never seen criminals like that." "Your grandfather never had any mug shots laying around?" "No." "I died long before, I mean, he died long before I was born." "Well, okay." "Thank you." "Sure." "Mr. Van Doren, for your information, that blood we found did check out." "Thank you." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "What the hell happened?" "What the hell happened?" "Barbara doesn't drink wine." "So this fucker stabbed her!" "Pete, you were saying about the Sheriff?" "Let me explain." "What sheriff, Pete?" "The other day I got called in for questioning." "Oh, fuck!" "It's got nothing to do with us, believe me." "Remember that night with Zack?" "I left my car on the side of the road." "I also left my rifle in the car, because I didn't want to scare Zack." "The Sheriff found the car, she also found the rifle." "She called me in." "It's no big deal." "Not a big deal?" "She had Zack's picture." "I was getting to that." "They found Zack's truck." "Oh, fuck!" "When were you going to mention this?" "It's got nothing to do with us." "Listen, I got called in because of the rifle." "Completely separate from that, they found Zack's truck with some of Jenny Tyler's blood in the back seat." "The Sheriff doesn't know he's dead, so she's looking everywhere for him because he probably killed that poor little girl." "Oh, fuck!" "We did some good there." "Of course we did." "You were right, Luke." "Hey!" "Hooray for us!" "What if they trace Zack back to here?" "No, that's not going to happen, Jude." "They found the truck and that was not supposed to happen." "She's right." "Maybe this is a sign that we should just slow down." "Paranoia, paranoia!" "What are you talking about?" "We got rid of a child murderer and now you're acting like we're wrong." "What if Zack had lived?" "We stopped him before he killed anyone else." "Isn't that why we started this?" "But look at her." "She was just an illiterate." "I mean, we're getting out of hand." "We've been careful, Marc." "No one's going to touch us." "We have to slow down." "Slow down." "We have killed nine people." "Ten people." "Nine!" "I was an accounting major once." "It's only nine." "It's ten." "It's nine!" "Ten." "You're not gonna count Zack." "He was the first one." "He was an accident." "lf he's in the garden, it counts." "That's the rule." "You are fucking crazy." "There are no rules, okay?" "We're killing people, for God's sakes!" "They're not people." "They're people who hate." "What are you talking about?" "She just had bad taste." "I didn't kill you for that haircut." "That's a good one coming from a fashion victim like you, you moron." "All I'm saying is we have to think more." "Think!" "Hooray for us, come on, wake up!" "All right, all right!" "Let's get rid of Miss Mensa here." "Just go to sleep, okay?" "You might recognize Heather from the newspaper." "You might recognize Heather from the newspaper." "She's the one who's suing her high school." "That's right." "The condom thing." "That's how the press has simplified it." "I'm suing the school because they're violating my constitutional right to privacy by making sexual education mandatory for graduation." "I'm sure that's going to get you a lot of publicity, Heather." "But in legal terms, your case is what we call bullshit." "Why?" "That's the way things ought to be." "Number one, the court understands that especially in this day and age of aids sexual education must be mandatory to insure the public safety." "No, that's not so." "Oh, no?" "No." "I don't go to those classes and I'm perfectly safe." "Sexual education and free condoms sends a message to kids my age that they should be having premarital sex!" "But, Heather, you're a high school senior." "When I was in high school, I was curious." "I'm sure you were." "Shut up." "Don't you ever have any of those feelings?" "I mean, they can be really nice." "No offence, ma'am, but that curiosity isn't human nature." "But rather your generation's lower standard of morality that has put my generation at risk." "Heather, you're not hearing me." "No, I see a great danger in the world and I want to stop it." "We have to get back to family values in this country." "Heather, have you ever had sex?" "Luke!" "That's a very inappropriate question for the dinner table." "How can you sit there, all of 17..." "17 and a half." "...and preach to me about family values and sexual education?" "You don't know what it's like to have sex." "I knew girls like you in high school." "So stuck up that the guys were afraid to ask you out." "Luke." "You know what you need, Heather?" "You know what you really need?" "You need a good stiff dick that'll shut that mouth." "Luke!" "Oh, shit!" "Shut up, Luke!" "All right, I'm sorry." "How about a glass of wine to loosen you up?" "Come on." "I don't drink!" "One little sip ain't gonna kill you." "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing." "Let's drink and get this over with!" "I don't think so." "Why is he so mean?" "Let's not let Luke's little outburst cloud the issue here." "That's exactly it." "Will you just cool it for a minute?" "Can't you see that we've upset her?" "You'd better shut your mouth, man." "I'm going to walk Heather out now." "That would be a bad idea, Jude." "No, I want to go." "I don't think so." "She's a child." "Hitler was a child once, too." "We're getting too emotional." "Funny, coming from you." "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "You'd better shut your mouth, or I'll break your fucking arm, you know?" "Shut up!" "That's new, actually attacking someone when you're facing them." "Stop it." "Stop it!" "Dick!" "Thank you." "We need a vacation." "Let me take you home." "Figure this shit out after the break." "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Those are mine." "Getting rid of your lovely little borders here." "Why don't you just put up a sign saying, "Cemetery: bodies buried here"?" "Why don't you mind your own fucking business?" "I am minding my own business." "And you need to get your shit together." "I've got my shit together fine, don't worry about that." "The travel agent's on the phone for you." "Going to Guyana over the break?" "Yes, spring break in Guyana." "You enjoy yourself." "After you." "Oh, no, after you." "Bitch." "Can I help you?" "Hi, I'm Sheriff Stanley." "Are you trespassing or just interested in olericulture?" "What?" "Olericulture, the growing of vegetables." "Yes, olericulture." "I've never tasted tomatoes this sweet." "Thank you." "ls it something you put in the soil?" "No, just good topsoil." "Got to keep the earth moving, my grandmother always said." "Is that why everything looks so dug up?" "It's a secret." "Don't let it out or everyone will start growing these things." "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me." "My business is almost done here." "Your business?" "The Jenny Tyler case." "Haven't your roommates told you?" "Oh, yes, that girl." "I think she's dead." "There's always hope, isn't there?" "Have a good day." "Damn." "Thank you." "We don't have a book." "I'll have to call my publisher and have them send more down here immediately." "That's the price of greatness." "I think it's more the boredom of travel..." "...but thanks anyway for the compliment." "No, no." "You are a great man." "I'm a loud man." "But thanks again." "Say, you guys wouldn't know where a guy could get a decent meal around here, would you?" "Yes." "Can you believe that Norman Arbuthnot was at the airport?" "I'm sure it's a real bitch flying your own private jet." "How many drops does Luke put in?" "I think just a few." "Well, fuck that." "Mr. Arbuthnot?" "Would you like to say grace?" "I didn't know people said grace anymore." "We don't usually, but we just thought you might be used to it." "Oh, for God's sake, no." "No." "If anything, we ought to bow our heads and thank Paulie for such an incredible spread." "Bon appétit." "You know, I'm forever amused by these people from the Christian Right who thank God for everything good and blame humankind for everything's that bad." "May I?" "But isn't the Christian Right your strongest supporter?" "Those people need somebody to follow, they can't do anything on their own." "Of course the moral majority makes up a huge contingent of the Republican Right." "They do." "But they have very little power." "They make most of the noise, but the centrists do all the work." "The extremes of both parties grab all the headlines." "But all the decisions are made by the moderates." "That seems to go against most people's perceptions." "Only naive people." "I can rant and rave with the best of them." "But how else am I going to get heard?" "I'm not an elected representative." "I'm a concerned citizen that sees certain things wrong and wants to change them." "That's what's great about this county." "But your views are extreme." "And extreme views incite people to extreme measures." "I can't be responsible for every nut case who thinks I mean something when I mean something else." "Look, I admit to sometimes throwing in some pretty outrageous arguments to support my positions, but, man, it's the ratings thing, you know." "Besides, the average citizen knows what I'm doing." "What are you doing?" "Dissent." "Being the voice of dissent." "Jefferson, Monroe, Paine." "They were all critics." "Pundits, if you will, before they were the power." "This is excellent wine." "Willow Crest, Merlot?" "Is that what you want, Norman?" "Power?" "To be president?" "Luke, I already have power." "The President?" "He doesn't have any power." "He's got to answer to Congress, to special interests, to the Court." "To the people?" "To a lesser degree to the people but I got power: one voice, one vote." "But your followers, they hate anyone who disagrees with you and your opinions." "Followers of Nelson Mandela commit murder." "Followers of Gandhi killed people." "You compare yourself to Mandela and Gandhi?" "No, those are great men." "Paulie suggested I have followers as if I could control what people do." "People do what they want to do." "Like hate?" "It's true." "You have some harmful people on the extreme left and the extreme right." "But I suggest that the more extreme those opposites get the more moderate this society becomes." "Because when you average out all those extremes you come up with a society that's anchored in the middle and that's what we all want, isn't it?" "A society where all of us can live." "All races, all religions, all views, living together forging ahead as one." "In any society, no matter how big or small, you're going to have dissent." "I mean, look at the five of you." "Can you honestly say you agree on everything?" "So how is any good supposed to get done?" "My friend, I do not presume to know the answer to that one." "All I know is you got to do the best you can do." "You have to be the best individual selves you can be." "Otherwise, why bother, right?" "Anything else turns the world to pure manure." "I don't think you should drink that one." "It's been out for a little while." "It's probably bad." "I think the wine is fine." "I would never be rude enough to ignore the suggestion of a lady." "Thank you, Jude." "It's 1909." "You're in Austria." "And you're alone with a young artist named Adolf Hitler." "Do you kill him?" "Do you murder him there, even though he hasn't done anything yet?" "Because you know you'll save all those millions of people." "Absolutely not." "You'd let all those people die, knowing you could do something about it?" "I didn't say that." "What I said" "You don't say anything." "You just talk and talk and say nothing so many times that people think you're saying something." "What I would do, Luke, if you would let me finish, is talk to the man." "Try to show him the error of his ways to the best of my ability." "Challenge his ideas." "Exchange thoughts." "Provoke change by intelligent debate." "I'll be right back." "I've got to get some dessert." "I'll help." "I have to get something for somebody." "We are not going to do this, right?" "We got the king in our grasp." "Haven't you heard a word the man said?" "Don't you see, he's right, we're wrong?" "Don't tell me you're falling for that shit." "He's Satan, for Christ's sake!" "I don't know, he's making some sense." "You blow like the fucking wind." "He's giving us a prepared speech." "He's so used to defending himself, he's got an answer for everything." "He is an iceman." "Maybe we're wrong about him." "Maybe he does this for money and publicity." "You fucking imbecile, that's even worse." "Creating hate for money, the fucking dollar." "Come on!" "We have Norman Arbuthnot in the palm of our hands." "Can you hear yourself?" "You sound like a crazy man." "Is it crazy to make a difference?" "Is it crazy putting these assholes in their places?" "Can't you see through his shit?" "Being full of shit is not a good enough reason to kill him." "It isn't the right thing to do." "You guys are all turning into the fucking Stepford wives." "This is getting us nowhere." "This is getting us nowhere." "I'm sorry, Luke, but you have to have unanimous consent." "It's four to one that he lives." "I'm sorry, too, Marc, because he's not going to fucking live." "And nobody is going to stop me." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Oh, my God!" "He's Hitler." "What are you doing with a gun?" "He's Hitler and your deaths won't make the world a better place but his will, so just get out of my way." "Where did you get that gun?" "The Sheriff." "What sheriff?" "Oh, my God, the Sheriff!" "The Sheriff's missing." "Not anymore." "Jesus." "What did you do?" "She was on to us." "She was sneaking around back in the family plot." "You killed a cop!" "You'd rather I didn't?" "You'd rather be in jail right now, getting corn-holed?" "I thought we were all together on this." "Serious that what we were doing was something great." "Now, I'm sorry she had to die but she was in our way." "What are you doing?" "Since you've completely lost it, I'm calling the cops." "No!" "Luke?" "So shoot me." "No!" "Luke!" "You have reached the Iowa Police Emergency Hotline." "All our officers are busy right now." "Please stay on the line." "Your call will be answered in the order it was received." "Come on." "Luke." "It's okay." "Oh, God!" "Come on." "Are you guys okay?" "Fine." "Just a little nonnuclear-family-values problem." "God, life gets more and more complicated every day." "The weather's breaking and I just wanted to drink a toast to all of you guys." "No, don't worry." "I didn't pour the bad wine." "Actually, I think we could all use a drink." "Aren't you going to join us?" "No, please." "I've had more than enough." "Besides I don't want you guys waking up to the headline:" ""Old windbag, forced to have last drink, crashes private plane."" "Isn't it bad luck to toast without wine?" "Not in China." "Anyway, to your health." "You know, wherever I travel in this bountiful land of ours the question on everybody's mind seems to be will I make a run for this country's highest office?" "Well, my friends, some people would say I already have." "At any rate, all I would like to say to you well-wishers out there is that I shall do whatever the people want me to do because I am your humble, humble, servant."