"Morning." "Morning, willie, kate." "Hi, alf." "What are you cooking?" "It's a surprise." "Oh, no." "Relax." "It's just my june bug scaloppini." "Hence the crackling noise." "You're frying june bugs?" "Please, willie." "You fry caterpillars." "June bugs you saut?" "Go...sit." "Good morning." "Hi, lynnie." "Mmm, what smells so good?" "June bug scaloppini." "I'll grab juice." "[Sniffing] alf, do you have something in the oven?" "Brian's history book." "What?" "Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, willie." "I didn't do it!" "I didn't say you did." "I did it." "So i put it in the oven to dry." "Dad, he's kidding." "Oh, no!" "No!" "I'm...i'm doomed!" "You got that right." "For melmackians," "It's bad luck to destroy a history book." "You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?" "Worse." "Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess." "Alf, that is just silly." "Aah!" "June bug flamb?" "Anyone?" "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment." "My history book is history." "My life is history." "I'm an accursed melmackian." "I belong in the realm of the..." "Gosh darned." "Gosh darned?" "Ours was a polite society." "I don't get it." "Why is it bad luck to burn a history book?" "Because melmackians have a great respect for books." "If you destroy a history book," "You cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past." "That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was" ""Are you going to finish that sandwich?"" "Wait." "I don't make fun of your stupid planet." "Electoral college." "How long is this curse thing supposed to last?" "I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck" "Followed by 7 years of really bad luck." "[Thumping]" "Not again." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Alf." "Are you all right?" "Oh, about as well as i was the other 4 times" "I fell down the attic stairs." "Well, you've been so quiet for the last hour or so." "I thought maybe you were over this bad luck thing." "I was unconscious." "I hit my head on a rafter." "Relax, dad." "In 14 years, it'll all be over." "Oh, he's just being careless." "I am not." "I'm accursed." "You ever heard the saying" ""Superstition is the religion of feeble minds"?" "Sounds good to me." "[Knocking]" "Jake: it's me!" "Oh, come on in, jake." "[Door opens and shuts]" "Hi, alf." "I heard about your run of bad luck." "How ya doin'?" "Aah!" "Ah." "Fine, until you touched" "Where willie's trophy collection fell on me." "You broke my trophies?" "Just the math club trophy." "The science club trophy is fine." "[Clanging] will you be careful?" "I am being careful." "This thing is bigger than all of us." "Isn't there anything you can do" "To stop all this curse stuff?" "Well, there was one thing i could've done back on melmac." "What?" "The bibliocide ritual." "Basically, it's a ceremony where i ask atonement" "In front of people wearing meat." "Meat?" "Meat." "Well, why don't we do that?" "One reason comes almost immediately to mind." "We can't do it anyway." "The accursed person has to stand in the light" "Of a green full moon." "Isn't there anything else you can do?" "Wait it out." "For 14 years?" "Yeah." "Boy, am i gonna be hard to live with." "Come on, alf." "I'll buy you a peanut butter sandwich." "Ok." "As long as you know the heimlich maneuver." "Dad, we have to help him." "He's only having bad luck" "Because he thinks he's going to have bad luck." "He'll get over it." "[Glass shattering]" "Alf: remove it slowly." "Lynn?" "Hmm?" "Never have aliens." "* nobody knows * * the trouble i've seen * * nobody knows * * my sorrow *" "* nobody knows *" "Um, alf," "Is this what all that hammering was about?" "Yes." "This is my home for the next 14 years." "What happened?" "Oh, the roof fell on my head while i was installing it." "Then i slammed my hand in the door when i locked myself up." "Alf-- Not to mention" "The several hundred splinters i got" "Building the gosh darned thing." "Ours was a polite" "We know." "We know." "Alf, come on." "Come on out." "I can't." "Do you feel safer in there?" "No." "I sprained my ankle." "We want to cure you." "We have an idea that might work, right, dad?" "Yeah, we do." "Sure do." "Um, w-We'll cancel out your curse." "All you have to do is do something" "That's considered lucky on earth." "This idea sounds rather far-Fetched." "Well, fine." "See ya in 14 years, pal." "Uh, all right, all right." "Maybe your idea's more nearly-Fetched than i thought." "Make that several hundred and one splinters." "Ugh!" "Here, take this." "Salt?" "On our planet," "It's lucky to throw salt over your shoulder." "Oh!" "Sorry." "Unh!" "Unh." "Throw the salt..." "Not the saltshaker." "But i always throw the shaker." "And what do i always say?" ""Don't throw the shaker."" "Maybe if you do something that's bad luck here," "It'll cancel out your bad luck." "Oh, come on, lynn." "Sounds good to me." "Come on, let's try it." "It's bad luck to break a mirror." "Give it a shot." "Do you feel any luckier?" "No." "This was kate's mirror." "Well, here." "Here, try this." "I can't break that." "Just walk underneath it." "That's also considered bad luck here." "Well, ok." "Uh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "What's wrong?" "Oh, i stepped on a piece of broken glass!" "Are you all right?" "Well, the glass doesn't hurt much" "But the salt that's seeping into the wound" "Hurts like a martian head woogie." "Uh!" "I'll get you a bandage." "Good idea." "I was getting tired of falling down the stairs" "Every time i needed one." "Willie: oh!" "[Thumping]" "Ugh." "Oh." "Uh!" "Does it still hurt?" "No, no." "Only when you laugh, right?" "[Chuckles] yeah." "Yeah." "What happened?" "Willie's dead." "I'm not dead." "Dad fell down the stairs." "Are you sure you don't want me to call a doctor?" "No." "No, i'm just a little shook up." "Ok." "This is what i feared the most." "What?" "In severe cases," "The bad luck spreads to people" "The accursed one comes in contact with." "It's starting." "Nothing is starting." "I fell down the stairs" "Because i had salt in my eyes." "Now i don't want to hear anything more about this curse." "I won't say a word." "How's the picture?" "Perfecto." "Then i guess it was just a short in the plug." "Try to get a grip on reality, jake." "It wasn't the plug." "I'm cursed." "What are you watchin'?" "That tv shrink." "The one who helps viewers cope with their problems." "Well, is he any good?" "He's on channel 129." "You be the judge." "[Telephone rings]" "Hello." "Welcome to video couch." "You are..." "Do i have to give my name?" "I don't want my friends and neighbors hearing about this." "It would help if i could call you something." "Ok." "Willie tanner." "How can i help you, willie?" "I'm a visitor in your country," "And i did something that in my homeland" "Brings a person bad luck." "The only way to shake it off" "Is for me to do a certain ritual," "But people think i'm crazy." "Uh, willie, immigrants often have trouble" "Assimilating into a new culture." "If you feel you must do this ritual, go ahead." "I can't." "Uh, see the things i need for this are far, far away" "In my galaxy." "Uh, my--My part of the galaxy." "Uh, our galaxy." "Yonkers." "Perhaps you'd feel better" "If you carried a good luck charm." "You mean like a tupperware lid or a mouse?" "Well, whatever's appropriate in your country." "I tried that," "But my bad luck is only getting worse." "How's that, willie?" "It's spreading." "See, people i come in contact with are having bad luck" "And getting hurt, too." "And you think you have the power" "To affect other people's lives this way?" "We'll take our next call." "I guess i shouldn't expect too much from a cable quack." "What'd you do to your hand, mr." "Tanner?" "Oh, nothing." "That does it." "It's too dangerous for you guys to have me around." "You're gonna have to move." "We're not going anywhere." "Wait, alf." "I was thinkin'." "Why can't we at least try to do your ritual here?" "How?" "Well, uh, there is a full moon tonight." "But it has to be a green moon," "Like melmac's." "You showed us pictures of your planet's moon." "It's not green." "Well, it was when certain atmospheric conditions were right" "Or when someone threw up on it." "We could fake it." "You know, uh, have everybody wear green sunglasses." "Jake, you're a genius!" "Plus you've got good fashion sense." "Now, i just need 5 people to witness the ceremony" "And to wear meat." "I'm not wearing meat." "Please?" "I have to draw the line somewhere," "And i choose to draw it at the wearing of meat." "[Whiny tone] i'll whine" "Till you give in." "You know, mr." "Tanner," "It might help." "All right." "[Normal voice] yes!" "He's going to wear meat!" "What kind of meat are we talking about here?" "Uh, pork, veal." "Whatever you prefer." "Uh, but no spam." "I'll wear meat." "Why do we have to wear meat in this ritual anyway?" "Because the high priest on melmac was also a butcher." "Did all melmackian rituals involve wearing meat?" "Yeah, unless they took place on a friday," "Then we wore fish." "No pictures, please." "I feel like an idiot." "Hey, lynn, how do i look?" "A1." "[No audio]" "Brian, hurry up!" "We're about to start." "Ok, what is it exactly you want us to do, alf?" "Basically just be witnesses" "While i apologize for my misdeed." "Ok, now start pouring this gravy in your hair." "Alf!" "All right." "That part is optional." "I'm just trying to make this fun, people." "Don't." "Is my hot dog on straight?" "You look fine, honey." "It is now time to begin the bibliocide ritual." "Everyone put on your shades." "Does the moon look green?" "Everything looks green." "Get on with it." "Ok." ""There once was a girl from nantucket who--"" "Whoops." "Wrong ceremony." "Could you hurry it up?" "Some of us are spoiling." "Ok, ok." "Is it just me, or is it dark out here?" "Get this over with." "Aye aye." "Trevor: hey, tanner!" "Have you seen jake?" "Oh, great." "My bad luck's changing for the worse." "Alf, hide." "Hi, mr." "Ochmonek." "Am i interrupting anything?" "I don't think so, no." "Why are you wearing sunglasses at night" "And meat?" "'Cause i want to." "We want to, also." "I don't." "W-We're--Ha ha ha." "We're having a barbecue." "Yeah." "And you're cooking with body heat?" "No, just thawing." "Trevor, haven't you ever wanted to let your hair down" "And slap on a flank steak?" "I always thought about it." "I mean, everybody's thought about it." "Well, gosh, live a little, trev, hmm." "I'll do that." "Can we please get this goofy ceremony over with?" "Goofy?" "The destruction of history is not to be taken lightly." "Those who cannot remember the past" "Are condemned to repeat it, you know?" "I--I'm sorry, alf." "I didn't mean to belittle your ritual." "Please...begin." "Sorry about the book." "That's it?" "Uh-Huh." "Let's eat." "That's it?" "Yes." "I mean, it's not like i killed somebody." "We went through all this just for "sorry about the book"?" "Hey, a ceremony doesn't have to be long" "To be effective." "A melmackian wedding consists of a preacher saying," ""You're hitched." "Go for it, babe."" "Now trevor's coming back." "Uh!" "Man!" "I'm sorry to bother you again," "But can i just get a shot of this?" "Why?" "Raquel went shopping, and she's never gonna believe this." "Everybody scrunch together, hmm." "All right." "[Camera shutter clicks]" "I'll get you some wallet size." "He's gone, alf." "Do you feel any luckier?" "I don't know." "Jake, flip a coin." "Ok." "Aren't you gonna call it?" "No." "It didn't hit me in the eye," "So my luck is back." "Ha!" "I call." "Another royal flush?" "Brian: man." "I'm embarrassed." "I truly am embarrassed." "Ha!" "I can't believe my luck." "Someone get me a racing form." "I'm busted." "That's ok, brian." "You wouldn't have liked college anyway." "Ha!" "Alf, are you sure you're playing" "Exactly by the rules?" "I'm not cheating." "I told you" "Once a person is released from the bad luck curse," "He enjoys a period of good luck." "Sometimes up to 3 days." "I said up to 3 days." "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment" "Alf: ah!" "Ha ha ha ha!"