"" " Subtitle FPS=23,976" " Edited by DivXTurk v.1.5.4.23 -\\" "( theme music playing )" "you are probably wondering what i am doing behind that tree." "well, i will tell you, but listen very carefully because i shall say this only once." "you will remember that i own a cafe which is being used by the resistance for hiding escaping british airmen." "well, everybody seems to know about this except my wife's mother and the gestapo." "and up to now i have had a better relationship with the gestapo." "now, those two men disguised as scarecrows are, in fact, british airmen." "those two onion sellers are none other than the german town commandant colonel von strohm, and his assistant, captain geering." "now, they look unhappy for two reasons." "first, their new uniforms-- which are being made to replace the old ones which they lent the british airmen who, when they thought they were going to be captured by other germans and interrogated as conspirators, set fire to them and burned them to a crisp" "you are with me so far?" "did not fit and are now on their way back to london by tiger moth." "the second reason, the uniforms are being made in london by a jewish tailor, which is against the rules in the german army." "oh, and the gestapo are also looking for a painting of the fallen madonna with the big, um-- by von clomp." "this is also winging its way across the channel in order that a copy can be made so that the original can become the personal property of the colonel, who is as bent as a corkscrew." "what happens next?" "your guess is as good as mine." "rene!" "what?" "we have much to do." "the germans may have heard the plane." "we did." "she means the other german troops under my command." "who will shoot us if they catch us with this lot." "these are the orders for our next move." "from here, we go north." "but if you don't mind my saying so, my cafe is south." "the railway is north." "but we could walk home." "why take a train?" "first, we have to blow up the railway." " what?" "!" " what are we going to do with these german swine?" "we shall have to take them with us." "what use are they?" "if anyone is interested, i took a course in explosives." "hans, we are german officers, part of the great army that is winning the war." "we do not help the resistance to blow up our supply lines." "on the other hand, if general von klinkerhoffen finds out that we have lent our uniforms to the british airmen to help them escape, we will be in dead schtook." "what are you trying to say?" "if we help them blow up the railway, von klinkerhoffen's train will not arrive, so we won't have to meet it, so we won't have to wear our uniforms, so he won't know we haven't got them." "and if you don't cooperate, we will shoot you, and hide your corpses in the copse." "when you're winning the war, what's one railway?" "follow me." "( door knocker banging )" "i am here in obedience to your orders, herr flick." "you are quite punctual." "only 12 seconds late." "come in." "stand over there." "yes, herr flick." "( lock clicks )" "we do not wish to be disturbed, do we?" "you don't take any chances, herr flick." "that all depends." "go into the next chamber." "you are trembling." "are you afraid of me?" "the streets are cold." "but you are also perspiring." "your room is hot." "the room is 62.5â°." "this is not hot." "i can hide nothing from you, herr flick." "i am trembling with uncertainty, and perspiring with anticipation." "this is not unusual." "take off your jacket." "yes, herr flick." "on the bed." "your jacket." "let down your hair." "yes, herr flick." "anything else?" "not yet." "sit down." "the colonel is behaving strangely." "do you think he will find the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies?" "it's hard to say." "the whole thing is... in the air at the moment." "are you telling me the truth?" "i promise." "i swear on my honor." "you can do what you like to me." "we shall come to that later." "come with me." "bring the germans." "yvette, you come too." "stand by for a quick getaway." "michelle:" "the railway line runs in that cutting." "look, do you really need me?" "i have had no experience in this sort of thing." "all i have ever blown up is a balloon." "at a party." " you will take these spades." " what are these spades for?" "to dig a hole under the sleeper for the explosives." "what?" "!" "follow me." "what's going on, fairfax?" "can't be gardening at this time of night." "speaking for myself, i'm jolly frightened." "me too." "dig a hole under the sleeper here." "yvette, you have the explosives?" "i have it strapped to my thigh." " you are very brave, yvette." " i know." "if you had tripped, that cork could have put an end to everything." "i have been thinking of nothing else." "there is a lot missing." "ah, yes... you see my wife gave some to my mother-in-law and quite a lot to the chickens." "you fool." "can i trust you with nothing?" "there might not be enough to blow up the train." "in that case, do not let us waste time." "let's go home." "no. wait here with the germans." "i will crash the lorry onto the line." "that and the explosives will stop the train." "once you get an idea into your head, you don't let go, do you?" "wait here." "i am sorry for the delay, colonel." "a little technical matter, you understand." "at least we can have a drink while we are waiting." "no, that is not gin." "what is it?" "it's nitroglycerin." "nitro-- ah!" "( birds squawking ) hans, you fool." "you have blown up the railway." "isn't that what we're here for?" "( guns firing ) get down, they're shooting at us." "no, it's the guards." "they are shooting at the lorry." "i say." "it's all go, isn't it?" "we surrender." "we surren-- don't shoot!" "do you think this would be a good time to tell them we are german officers?" "it would have been, if you hadn't just blown up the railway." "good evening." "you are probably wondering what i am doing here." "( pounding ) edith, rene, yvette-- will nobody attend to me?" "coming mamma." "edith: ah!" "what is monsieur leclerc doing in your bed?" "he was sleeping in the cellar." "it is very windy down there." "it is not much better up here." "( coughing ) why have i been left alone so long?" "i had a headache, fanny." "i was talking to my daughter." "the germans have arrested rene." "he is in the nick." "he will be shot!" "i always knew it." "his eyes are too close together." "you should have married the butcher." "he liked you." "every time you pass his shop, he'd wave at you with his chopper." "i have to think of a plan to rescue him." "monsieur leclerc, you have been in prison many times." "can you help me?" "of course, madame." "i can help you." "i have been in many french nicks." "always the gigolo." "i am ready, madame." "lead on, i will follow." "look at it how you will, this is a very serious situation." "surely you know somebody who could order our release?" "there is only one person who could order our release." "all: who?" "me." " ohh." " rene?" "if they shoot us, at least i will die by your side." "if you died in front of me i'd have a better chance." "you do love me, don't you?" "of course i love you, yvette." "of course." "what do you think it will be like in heaven?" "i don't suppose they will let us do this for a start." "only the french would have boys and girls in the same cell." "psst!" "helga, how did you get up there?" "i am standing on a peasant." "have you come to get us out?" "no, but i have your uniforms back from the cleaners." "where are they?" "in the office, ready for you when you get out." "but how do we get out?" "here is a hacksaw for the bars." "thank you." "even without bars, i can't get through this little window." "i could." "yes, but you can't sign the orders." "you're not senior enough." "i could forge your signature, i've done it before." "now it's all coming out." "general von-- stand still!" "general von klinkerhoffen is arriving by car." "he is most displeased." "somebody's blown up the railway." "it was him." "telltale." "i must go, somebody's coming." "ah!" "the other way round!" "oh yes!" "as you are no doubt all going to be shot, you will no doubt wish to see a priest." "come this way." "â™ª there was a monk of high renown â™ª â™ª he took a nun a-wooing â™ª â™ª and when... â™ª" "it is i, leclerc." "i never would have guessed." "what do you want?" "i bring you good news." "your mother-in-law and your wife are coming to see you." "this is good news?" "also, i have for you, concealed on my person... a hacksaw!" "we already have a hacksaw, you silly old fool." "in that case, my son, up yours!" "( chants ) i have given them my blessing." "let me out." "achoo!" " bless you." " and you." "( chanting )" "here, hide this." "another." "you have more visitors." "why are you putting me in here with these smelly peasants?" "to say goodbye to your son-in-law." "goodbye." "let us get out." "oh, rene." "not now edith, please." "we have a plan." "good, what is it?" "oh heck!" "we are up to here with hacksaws!" "i am down to there with hacksaws." "it was michelle's plan." "now listen carefully, she said this only once." "rum war, isn't it, fairfax?" "i was just thinking, if the jerries find us dressed in civvies it will take quite a lot of explaining." "if they found us in bed with each other it would take even more explaining." "carstairs, are you a grammar school boy?" "how do you know?" "wearing your socks in bed." "come along, time is up." "time to go home, mamma." "edith, i do not wish to nitpick, but why could not yvette and i have escaped?" "i mean, what kind of a plan is it that leaves me still in the cooler?" "it was michelle's plan." "the colonel, once he's back in his office, he'll sign the papers for your release." "and what if he doesn't?" "then michelle will tell the gestapo that it was the colonel who nicked the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies." "what do you think, rene?" "i once heard a proverb about the best laid plans of mice and men." "this plan was definitely laid by a mouse." "you can say that again." "if it should go wrong, rene, i shall be by your side." "and as they take aim i shall sing the marseillaise." "then i hope they are quick on the trigger." "hans, it's good to be back in the uniform." "we were very lucky to get out of that jail." "you were very convincing as rene's 85-year-old mother-in-law." "you were very good as my daughter." "i have good legs." "the prisoner is outside." "good, bring him in." "( yells ) bring him inside!" "( chains rattle )" "right, you are dismissed." "rene, my old friend, take a chair." "make yourself comfortable." "you are most kind." "after all, we are all in this together." "i think some of us are in a little deeper." "can we not get rid of these things now?" "not until i've signed the release form." "i have a pen in my pocket, here." "we must proceed cautiously." "this morning already i have signed for the release of your wife and mother-in-law." " and yvette." " and yvette." "he signed hers first." "shut up, hans!" "we have to show someone to general von klinkerhoffen." "what happens when he has seen me?" "we will tell him you are a very small potato, and that we are going to shoot you or something or hand you over to the gestapo." "and then he will go away." "and all will be well." "i expect you feel very relieved." "up to a point, yes." "general von klinkerhoffen is here." "von klinkerhoffen-- is here!" "ah!" "quiet, hans." "my friend, we may have to insult you a little, call you pig and dog and that sort of thing." "dear colonel, feel free." "general von klinkerhoffen!" "hell hitler." " hell hitler." " klup!" "so this is the ringleader." "no, the ringleader escaped." "this is just a poor, unfortunate peasant who was dragged in against his will." "what he says is perfectly true." "i am a small potato." "silence, you dog!" "pig!" "i will talk with him." "what are the names of the other men in the plot to blow up my train?" "let me think." "there was-- he doesn't know." "we've been through all that." "pig!" "he knows nothing." "i think we should release him." "i do not agree." "i think he should be executed as an example." "don't you think that is a little drastic, colonel?" "quiet, hyena." "i must remember that." "you will be shot at dawn." "of course." "i will supervise it personally." "good. how does 7:00 suit you?" "later would be better for me." "quiet, pig dog!" "hyena." "frog face." "i shall be there to see it done." "hell hitler." " hell hitler." " klup." "( door closes ) he has departed." "if you don't get me out of this i shall be forced to reveal how you stole the painting, how you lent your uniforms to the british airmen to help them escape, and how you blew up the railway." "i did not blow up the railway." "he blew up the railway." "how did we get in this mess?" "i have an idea." "we will give to the firing party wooden bullets." "how is this an improvement?" "wooden bullets disintegrate 10 foot from the muzzles of the rifles." "i see." "how close do they stand?" "not as close as that." "providing it is not foggy." "tell me, what happens when they fire?" "you fall down." "do you really think it is safe?" "we won't know for sure until you get up again." "i have come to see the prisoner to say my last farewell." "so many goodbyes." "you are number six." " this way." " ( keys rattle ) yet another visitor for you." "maria!" "oh, rene!" "five minutes only." "maria." "my little cabbage." "rene, my big parsnip." "it is so comforting to hold you in my arms again." "i have something for you." "i have something for you too, but... you go first." "i will never let the firing squad shoot you." "take this ring." "you think i can bribe them?" "inside there is a pill." "take it between those strong white teeth and crush it, and you will be gone." "this is not the kind of escape i had in mind." "no, but you must use it if all else fails." "i promise." "there is only one more thing i can give you." "oh, maria." "no, there is no time for that." "what is there time for then?" "( whispers ) here it is, a hacksaw." "it is still warm." "i don't want to be difficult, but could you goosestep just a little more slowly, please?" "did you get the dummy bullets?" "yes, here they are." "do they look exactly like the real bullets?" "yes, i brought the real ones to show you." " good morning, colonel." " good morning." " morning captain." " morning." "a sad occasion." "yes, but the dog deserves it." "pig." "the bullets." "thank you." "hans, he has taken both boxes." "what if he loads the real bullets into the rifles?" "oh dear." "do you think we should warn rene?" "there's no point in worrying him." "he has a lot on his mind." "sergeant, here are the bullets." "load the rifles." "port arms." "all prepared?" "everything is going according to plan." "very nearly." "do not waste time." "i have to leave." "oh." "it is cold." "why have you brought me here?" "the angels are going to take my husband away." "the last time, it was the bailiffs." "this is a very sad occasion for me, rene." "yes, i feel the same way, lieutenant." "you french, you are so brave." "your mother-in-law has not shed one single tear." "this i believe." "what about my wife?" "she is like a rock." "she says she is going to sing the marseillaise." "do you wish a blindfold?" "earplugs would be better." "may i shake your hand?" "of course." "you will find it round the back." "can we get on with this please?" "i nearly forgot." "so they have something to aim at." "you germans, such sticklers for accuracy." "bye." "now?" "no, i will give you the signal." "is that it?" "no, i am composing myself." "front rank, kneel." "present your rifles." "now." "a one, two, three, four!" "( concertina music plays ) â™ª arise, ye children of the marseillaise... â™ª" "( singing continues ) ready?" "take aim." "fire!" "( women gasp )" "( mamma continues singing ) â™ª our blood shall not be shed in-- â™ª why have we stopped?" "it is over." "good." "let that be a lesson to you." "the relatives may remove the body." "hell hitler!" " hell hitler." " klup." "you may escort me to my car." "lieutenant:" "front row up!" "lieutenant:" "right turn." "lieutenant:" "by the left." "do you think he's all right?" "if he is, it'll be drinks on the house." "if not, we find another cafe." "my poor, brave rene." "edith." "he's still alive, he's trying to speak." "dear rene, are you in pain?" "keep quiet, these may be his last brave words." "listen carefully, i shall say this only once." "my bum is on a thistle." "( theme music playing )"