"♪♪ [Music playing] ♪ announcer: from new york city," ""comedy central presents":" "Frank caliendo: whew!" "Yay, me!" "Yay, me!" "[Cheers and applause continue] Alright." "I'm chubby." "Alright." "Yeah, that gotcha." "It's great to be here in New york." "I was in utah a couple months Ago." "Anybody ever been to utah On purpose?" "[Laughter] My favorite thing about utah is," "They don't swear there." "They use replacement words." "You know what those are?" "Replacement words?" "If you don't know what a Replacement word is, you ever" "See a movie on television That doesn't belong on" "Television 'cause it got too Much swearing in it, so what" "They do is they take out all The bad words, and replace it" "With the most ridiculous word Possible?" "They got all these tough guys Running around trying to look" "Tough, but they're saying Things, like, "what the fruit is" "Going on here?" "You shut up, you ice cream Cone."" ""Did you call me an ice cream Cone?"" ""You better believe it, You goddle-dampin'-fruitin Dumpsuit."" "[Laughter] These people don't sound mad." "They sound hungry." "Give 'em a piece of pie." "That's what my mom used To say." "Every time something wrong When I was a little kid," "Every time something Went wrong-- there's my mom." "She's like "have a piece of pie." "Have a piece of pie, frankie." "I think that you should have A piece of pa-ho-hoo-hoo--"" "Apparently my mom sounded A lot like adam sandler." "[Laughter and applause] I love adam sandler 'cause" "He can sing a song and it won't Make sense." "He'll rhyme it at the end." "People will give him a ton of Money." "I want that gig." "I wanna come here and sing, [Mimicking adam sandler]" "♪ A song for me ♪ ♪ A song for you ♪" "♪ Let's have a song ♪ ♪ In a canoe ♪" "This guy is brilliant!" "Here's $20 million." "[As adam] hey, thank you." "Would you like a piece of pie?" "Some of you guys are getting This stuff." "Other people like, "what the Fruit is this guy talking" "About?" See, cable doesn't do that." "They bleep out the words, Like you don't know what" "They're saying." "You can't read their lips, Which is bull" "[Laughter]" "They're like, "what the-- Going on here?" "That's a bunch of bull-- A--hole"" "Give the guy the finger, They blur it out." "Sitting at home going," ""I don't know what's behind There, possibly a banana." "He did say, 'fruit you.'" [Laughter]" "I wish I could've done that when I was younger 'cause my mom was" "Always yelling at Me to clean my room." "Be like, "mom, don't be such an Hole."" "Frankie, what did you call me?" ""Nothing."" "[Laughter and applause]" "I love watching television." "I love football season Football season, my favorite Time of year." "Now, I don't really Care about the teams," "And I don't care About the players." "I only care about one person During football season, my idol," "John madden." "Yeah, some people Don't like him." "I love john madden because He makes me feel smart." "[Laughter] He does." "John madden explains Things in the football game You already know." "He doesn't give you any new Information." "He just says the same thing in The beginning of the sentence" "That he says at the end of the Sentence." "He'll say things like, "great Football." "This is about great football." "You got great football players Playing great football." "That's the best kinda Football to play." "But when you got-- [Cheers and applause]" "But when got regular players Playing great football," "That is right there, that's Just regular great football."" "Then he got the madden laugh, "I need" "My inhaler." "I'm okay."" "It's like mikey in "The goonies, when he was" "Underneath the wishing well." "[Laughter]" "He's so ridiculous, he could" "Drive a guy to drinking, which Explained pat sommerall's Problem, didn't it?" "[Laughter] Don't get me wrong." "I love pat sommerall." "Shame on fox and abc for Breaking up the bert and ernie Of football." "Sommerall had the greatest Voice of all time." "Never used it, though." "If you play the video game, You know exactly what I'm Talking about, though." "Guy would be running down The field." "Sommerall could paint a Beautiful picture with the English language." "But all he did was that, "To the 20..." "To the 25..." "There's the flag on the play" "Afc." "If the referee if he Throws the flag in and" "He didn't make a mistake, Then there's probably" " There is probably" "Gonna-- gonna-- gonna-- Gonna be-- gonna be a penalty."" "Thanks, john." "[Laughter and applause]" "Did you ever Hear madden do this?" "He'll take, like, 35, 40 billion different things," "Throw 'em all into one Sentence 'cause he thinks They go together." "Sommerall never said anything, 'Cause he'd been drinking Since last sunday." "Some of you guys know the Feeling." "Matted stuff in sentences Together like sardines in a can," "Like, "sometimes you can tell These..." "Now you know there was a time Now michael irvin a couple" "Years ago I had a crack pipe On the sideline." "You could tell that was the Kinda thing." "And this is the place with the Helpful hardware man," "There's a rainbow Out today." "Met at an Outback steak house." "I had a dr." "Pepper on my way Over to rent-a-center." "Rainbow works." "You got the sun over here." "And there's a cloud over here And then the rain comes down." "Hey, look, that's pretty rain." "And the sun shines through it." "That's a ray of sun, and not Like ray romano." "Hey, ray romano, that guy's Got a good show." "Everybody loves raymond." "I like the tall guy at the end Of the rainbow there is a pot" "Of gold and a leprechaun, He's looking for his lucky Charms." "And brett farve " " Brett farve is the greatest Player in the world." "I mean, [laughs] Brett farve you can cut off" "Both brett farve's arms And both his legs, he'd still Be the best torso in football." "I mean, [laughs] one time Brett farve and I went to" "Ace hardware, we make some keys, Put 'em in a pile, try and" "Figure out which one opens up The bus." "I mean, that's five or six hours Of fun right there." "Then brett farve one time" "But see, no, here's the thing." "Brett farve one time, He had a dog on his leg" "And once a Farmer had a dog." "And bingo was his name-o." "I learned how to spell bingo In third grade," "I-n-g-o, clap and said The b dog was lickin'." "He got a rash there and wants To get rid of it." "Boom, tough acting tenactin Will get rid of it."" "[Laughter, cheers  applause]" "Any fans of the President here?" "[Scattered boo's]" "Couple of you, rest of you, The dixie chicks?" "Is that what's going on?" "I love our president." "It's president bush, For those of you who Don't know who it is." "I love president bush." "I think it's great we have A president who seems like he's" "Always looking Directly into the sun." "[Laughter and applause]" ""Do me a favor and hand me A pair of sunglasses," "'Cause I can't See shit right now."" "[Laughter]" "Remember that saying he got Wrong, as if there was one?" "Here's a guy who's Underestimating." "Remember that one, like-- "There's an old saying in texas," "Which I'm pretty sure Is where I come from."" "[Laughter]" "Fool me once-- Sh-- shame--shit." "How many of you Think he says that?" ""Shit, I cannot believe I said that."" "He should finish things with The words "the end," so You know that he's done." "Because he tends to ramble." "If you wanna teach the nation" ""A penny saved Is a penny earned"?" ""A penny saved is ah-- It's one cent" "Or in spanish centavo." "It's-- put in your pocket For awhile, 'cause it's yours," "And you-- you earn-- earned it." "The end."" "My favorite thing about him Though, is when he gets Something right," "'Cause he gets That little grin on his face." "You know what I'm talking about, right?" "That little thing where he's Like," ""And that's why the united States will lead us to peace."" "[Laughter and applause]" "Is there a fan blowing on him?" "The ears start going." ""Somebody call walt disney."" "Got that confidence When we went to the Middle east, you know." "He's like "we went to the Middle east." "And we stopped hussein from Sodomizing it." "[Laughter]" "Shit." "I cannot believe I said that." "I misdispronunciated a word." "That was ironical." "I misdispronounciated a word." "We went to the middle east And we stopped hussein from Saddamizing it."" "[Laughter and applause] I'm gonna kick some ass." "They should put a little Button on him, you know." ""I'm gonna kick some ass, Kick some ass," "Kick, kick, kick, kick, Kick some ass, beotch."" "[Laughter]" "He could never Have gotten himself" "Out of the stuff clinton Got himself into." "There's no way," "'Cause clinton Could lie his way out of Anything." "Bush has truthful turret's." "If he wanted to tell you" " Did you have sexual relations With that woman?" ""Ah, what did they tell me To say here?" "[Laughter]" "Did I say that part out loud?" "I cannot believe I said that."" "Did you have sexual relations With that woman?" ""I did not inhale." "The end."" "Remember the movie, "scent of A woman" with al pacino" "Where he said "hoo-wah" After everything?" "It was like a period at the end Of the sentence, like," ""I got a dog on my leg." "Hoo-wah."" "[Laughter and applause]" ""When I'm hungry, I eat broccoli." "Hoo-wah."" ""Hoo-wah" doesn't mean anything." "It's a nonsensical phrase." "You might as well Be out there going," ""Nah nah, nanny boo-boo."" "'Cause that's what pacino does." "He takes little kid sayings, Turns 'em into tough-guy" "Phrases no matter what the Situation is." "Someone called through and say The mob's gonna kick your ass," "Be like, "you, sir, are a liar." "Liar, liar." "Your pants are on fire!"" "[Cheers and applause]" ""Nah nah, nanny frickin' Boo-boo."" "[Laughter]" "He yells for no Reason in movies, too." "I wanna see somebody Cast him as a librarian," "Just to see what he'd do." "There's no way he Could get through it." "Running around," ""Where's the B section?" "Where the hell is the B section?" "!" "And what on earth is the Dewey decimal system?"" "[Laughter]" "Anybody here watch the Cartoon network That doesn't smoke pot?" "See, how there are a lot of People who went," ""Oh, there's a clause."" "Part a yay, part b, nay," "Sorry but daddy's A doobie brother." "[Laughter]" "I watch the cartoon network Mostly for scooby-doo," "More specifically the Guest stars on scooby-doo," "'Cause they always Had a cultural icon comedian," "Somebody that Represented america On there." "Shaggy and scooby Come walking in." ""Zoiks, like, hey, scoob." "Like, it's the harlem Globetrotters."" ""Who?"" ""Like, it's the guys in with The fancy basketball tricks."" ""Ooh." "Ruby roo. [Laughs]"" "What I-- What I wish" "What I wish they would do is Update that with the cultural" "Icons and comedians of today On, just 'cause I wanna see" "The chris rock episode, See what he'd have to say." "Shaggy and scooby Come walking in." ""Zoiks, like hey, scoob." "Like, it's chris rock."" ""Brother, they put a black man On scooby-doo who's not a damn" "Globetrotter." "And forget about scooby snacks, That dog's doing scooby crack."" ""Zoiks, like, hey, scoob, like, He's right." "Like, what are you gonna do About it?"" ""Ruby recovery."" "Today, shaggy and scooby meet up With president bush." ""You mean to tell me there's A dog that can talk?" "[Laughter] I believe it."" "[Laughter, cheers  applause] I was watching the credits" "To scooby-doo the other day, 'Cause I have that kinda time." "The voice of scooby is done By a guy named don messik." "You know who did the voice Of shaggy?" "It was casey kasem who was also The voice of robin in batman" "Robinonthesuperfriends." "You remember the superfriends?" "You can tell casey kasem played Robin 'cause batman and robin" "Coming on the crime scene, Batman's like," ""Who coulda done this?" There's robin." ""Look, batman, there's a letter From the riddler." "[Laughter] And he writes, 'Dear batman and robin," "It's been a long time since I last saw either one of you." "But while I was in prison, I came up with the most" "Diabolical plot of all time." "A plot to take over gotham city And the rest of the world." "But I needed a partner." "Batman, because I'm the Riddler, I can't tell you who That partner is." "But the answer lies In a song from 1974.'" "Holy midnight tokers, batman, It's the joker."" "It's a long way to go for a Steve miller band joke, but" "Here's the guy who did it." "[Cheers and applause]" "They're remaking All kinds of movies." "If I was gonna remake any Movie on earth," "I would remake The wizard of oz" "With robin williams, And that's it." "[Laughter]" "Just let him do the whole Dang thing by himself." "Why pay anybody else?" "So, here we go." "The wizard of oz starring Robin williams written by" "Robin williams and directed By quentin tarantino." "[Laughter] My favorite thing to do." "Here we go." ""Who dares bother the old and Powerful wizard of oz?"" ""Oh, my god, what an Incredibly wonderful place." "But who the hell does your Decorating?"" ""Silence."" ""Whoa, tacos for lunch, okay." "Listen." "I was just out in Kansas having It up with the pigs," "Makin' bacon." "You know what I mean?" "[Indistinct]" "Clucking around the chickens, Chickens, little damn peckers." "You know what I'm saying?" "Ran back to my shack." "I thought to myself." "Oh, my gosh, unabomer, Newspaper joke." "'Get one." "It gets funnier, literacy, It's a good thing, okay." "So then my house is up in The air, it's spinning around" "Like baryshnikov on Amphetamines," "I don't care if you laugh At that joke, I did it just for." "I looked out the window, There's a little wicked witch" "On a hoover vacuum cleaner Going, 'i'll get you," "My pretty, and your little dog Toto, too.'" "I said, 'lady, I don't have A little dog toto." "But if I did, I'd give him To you, 'cause you look like" "You need a dang friend.'" "So, then the house landed." "Oh, no." "I've landed on ronald mcdonald." "[Laughter]" "He's wearing a pair of Marv albert shoes." "Now it looks like a good time For the great taste" "You should've seen the little People, like, 'follow the" "Yellow brick road." "So then I met up with a guy Who was made who's made of Straw." "I said, "hey, man-- Whoa, hey man, straw" "That's a joke right there." "No, if you don't Start getting this stuff," "John madden's coming Back to explain it." "'See, the guy-- What happened was, is" "Is-- you know, it's-- Over here, is part of the joke" "And the reference over there, And then boom, that's where" "It is in the middle.' Okay, I'm back." "You're not gonna-- There's still some people in" "Here going, 'who the hell is John madden?" "'" "'Why is this jackass drawing Circles in the air?" "This is the stupidest crap I've seen all night." "This is terrible." "Buy some props." "I hate mime." "Mime is for losers." "Apparently, I don't even have A cigarette here." "I can explain this." "I have carpal tunnels." "In the '60s, I was always saying 'Peace.'" "In the '70s, I was a hand model For the international symbol Of scissors." "And in the '80s, I was always Doing little bunny foo foo.'" "♪ Little bunny foo foo ♪ ♪ Hop into the forest ♪" "♪ Picking up the field mice ♪ ♪ And-- boom!" " ♪" "♪ Bopping 'em on the head ♪ [Laughter]" "Robert deniro was in a movie Mary shelley's "frankenstein." "He played the Frankenstein monster." "You picturing that?" "[Laughter] "Look at me, huh?" "I am the frankenstein monster." "I got bolts on me in my neck." "I'm electric and scary." "Whoo." "[Laughter and applause]" "Do not bring That fire near me."" "Keanu reeves was In a dracula movie." "He didn't play dracula, Though." "Thank god." "He'd be trying to scare you, You'd be laughing your ass off." "Keanu reeves coming out of The coffin." "Try not to laugh at that, Right?" "Shows up." "[Laughter]" ""I am keanu dracula." "Damn." "Count dracula..." "Like the cereal." "I brought my friend igor With me." "Igor, tell these People what you told me."" "[Laughter]" ""I am the key master." "Are you the gatekeeper?" "[Laughter, cheers  applause]" "It's been pretty cool," "'Cause I've gotten to Meet some people I do impressions of." "Leno came up to me." "He's like," ""so, was that you doing me On mad tv the other night?" "Yeah, that was pretty good." "That was real good." "Jay leno's the only guy on Earth who could have a bobble" "Head made of him that would Bobble less than his actual Head." "[Laughter]" "And he collects cars." "I think he just sits in the Dashboard going," ""This is gonna be a fun ride." "Here we go."" "[Laughter]" "There's so many Cool voices out there." "I think that's 'cause there are So many people." "[Laughter]" "Arnold schwarzenegger Has a cool voice." "That voice usually when he Asks a question, that cool Voice, that" ""Vat you doing?" "Who are you?"" "He can ask any question." "It sounds cool, like, "What color is your hair?" "Do you wanna Touch my bicep?" "Why are you looking at my Belly button?"" "You ever hear schwarzenegger Yell?" "You don't know what to do, Laugh, cry, run away, find Shelter." "He starts screaming, his face Gets all contort" ""There's a fire."" "There's a what?" ""There's a fire." "Get down."" "What are you doing?" ""Yelling." "That's how I yell."" "Why do you yell like that?" ""There's a fire."" "At that point, even Mike tyson's going," ""I can't believe such a big Guy has such a funny voice."" "[Laughter] Tyson got pulled over a few" "Months ago or a year ago or Ten or 12 years ago," "I'm not sure how long ago, 'Cause I don't update my act." ""Here's a guy who's honest." "[Laughter] If he wasn't honest, he'd" "Never be a real boy." "He'd get swallowed by a whale And gepetto would get mad," "The cricket would Sing disney songs and--"" ""Oh, what tangled webs Are woven when first we Practiced deception and" "Charlotte dies but wilbur Lives on forever." "[Cheers and applause]" "The end."" "[Laughter]" "Well, you guys have Been wonderful." "Ah..." "[Laughs] I don't" "You guys are just laughing At me now, aren't you?" "[Laughter]" ""I still don't know who John madden is" "And bunny foo foo Is a stupid song."" "People think I look like a lotta Different people, don't say" "Anything yet." "Some people think I look like John goodman 'cause I'm so tall." "I was at a all-women's college In" "Who cares where it was?" "They thought I looked like The real-life version of Barney rubble." "[Laughs] "Yeah, fred, I got Your fruity pebbles."" ""Barney, those aren't my Fruity pebbles."" ""Oh, shit."" "[Laughter] Brad pitt, tom cruise," "Just smash their Heads together." "Wiped away the Blood..." "Right here." "John belushi, think I look like John belushi?" "If you're a naysayer, hold on, John belushi." "[Laughter and applause]" "You don't even want to know How I figured that one out." "[Laughter]" "Sometimes, people say Chris farley" "Just 'cause they Wanna see if I'll do it." "What's amazing about Chris farley he had a movie" "That came out after he Passed away." "A few months later, he's in Norm mcdonald's movie." "Can you imagine if that kept Happening, farley kept showing" "Up in movies, be like a tupac Kinda thing?" "Thirteen years later, you're Going to see adam sandler in" "In some movie, the preview Comes up before it." ""In a movie kept so top secret, Even his friends never knew it Was made." "This summer, the legend lives On, because chris farley is..." "Batman."" ""Oh, my freaking gorde." "[Laughter and applause] I am the caped crusader." "I lurk in the shadows, I'm a creature of the night," "And I have a little bit of what You'd call a weight problem."" ""With pauly shore as robin."" "Ah-ah-ha-ha, I'm the weasel." ""You're a little crazy, man." "I'm gonna get motivational On your ass." "You might think you Know what you're doing." "You're up there-- [Grunting]" "[Cheers and applause]" "Thinking you're a tough guy" "Well, let me Tell you this, sir." "You don't know dick wad!" Thank you guys very much." "[Cheers and applause]  captioning made possible by  comedy central." "captionedby mccaptioningservices." "reseda,california."