"♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "♪ And I'm so hot" "♪ Cos I'm in hell ♪" "So, I thought" "Trish could sit here," "Neil can sit here and Simon..." "'The ex-boyfriend.' can sit there." "And if anyone tries to move from the seating plan," "I'll taser them." "Mark," "I think you need to take a chill pill from your frankly inadequate supply." "Sorry, yes, I guess I am a bit nervous, cos this is the first time we've hosted a social evening together in our soon-to-be-joint home." "Don't sweat it, dude." "Oh, by the way, Simon's invited me to come away for the weekend for his thirtieth." "'Sex with the ex.'" "Yeah?" "You... and him?" "And the whole website gang." "Oh, thank God." "I've a website opportunity, actually." "Super Hans has sorted us out a website." "And get this - it's empty." "Right." "Yeah." "He's wangled us a website for us to do shit on." "Business, creative." "Whatever." "Totally blank." "Big opportunity." "You in?" "Yes, Jez, I guess that would be an exciting opportunity, if it was the last website ever." "I mean they say, y'know, cut him some slack, cos he was in the Beatles, but..." "Finally, the use of Jeremy and Hans becomes clear." "They're my normality cloaks, allowing me to slip into human society and wreak my evil doings/make friends and relax." "Nice place, Mark." "So many biscuits!" "Is this a normal night for you?" "Yeah." "Oh... yeah, me and my guys and our... cannabis." "No, thanks." "I'm full." "You're full?" "I-I never stone alone." "I'm just high on pie." "What?" "Bad to worse, I'm speaking in verse." "Saying a rhyme ain't a crime." "If I can say it to you, it must be true." "'Am I sort of rapping?" "'" "I'm... thinking of joining a gym, get back on a... positive track." "I've always suspected that getting on a positive track is a good idea." "But now I'm a professional life coach," "I can confirm, you know, medically, that it is a good idea." "Y'know, if you ever want to speak to anyone, I am a fully qualified life coach." "'Yes, and I printed his qualification as a treat.'" "There's a quarter there." "And if you weigh it, it will appear to come in light, cos it's helium weed." "Tell you what, Hans, Jez, you should come to my thirtieth." "And you, Mark." "Paintball till we drop and then smoke till we pop." "Wicked." "Cool." "Great." "'Ugh, paintballing weekend?" "'It's so obvious he fancies Dobby." "'He's just using it as cover." "But he won't be expecting 'how incredibly taciturn and deflating I can be 'in social situations." "'The fun stops here, my friend.'" "Yeah, I mean, I really just want a... honest broker, someone to chat through some shit with." "'Is it OK, the bed?" "Is it a bit like at any moment" "'I might jump on him and hump him better?" "I could hump him." "'I wonder if I'll hump many clients.' and I've always really wanted to do footy coaching, and I've got the first FA badge, but it's hard." "OK." "So what seems to be stopping you?" "Well, I've got my job." "Well, quit your job." "You think so?" "Definitely." "You've got to follow your dream." "'Case closed." "Next!" "'" "I mean, it's hard to find paid coaching work, and, um, Alice, my wife, she wonders if it's not a bit late to get into all this." "'OK, might have a poke about a bit.'" "How are things in the relationship?" "Oh, um..." "OK, I guess." "I mean... not always great." "No." "Right." "Of course not." "'Can I get into the bedroom?" "'" "Tell me about the sexual side of the relationship." "Well, to be honest, it's... it's not good." "'This is great!" "'I can ask him anything I want, 'cos I'm the professional and he's the worm in the science beaker.'" "Go on." "Well, look, I mean..." "I guess I can say..." "I like to be... dominated." "In the bedroom." "'Course you do,' 'you filthy bastard.' There's no judgment here, Neil." "I've also experimented with same-sex experiences." "'Whoo, tell me more!" "'" "So, in the relationship, do you think you're getting really fulfilled?" "Alice has this medical condition which makes..." "We don't need to go into that." "That's not part of it." "Right." "What is part of it?" "I'll... tell you what's part of it." "Now, tell me more about these gay feelings." "They sound interesting." "I mean important." "I suppose..." "I mean, I was hoping to talk about the footy coaching, but..." "I mean, everything's connected." "Um..." "A relationship... it, er..." "Well, a relationship... it's... it has, um..." "'Where am I going here?" "'" "A relation-ship is a lot like a real ship." "It needs to be moving forward, it needs to be properly maintained." "Yes." "Yeah!" "I get that." "'He gets that?" "I'm a life coach!" "'" "I mean, the truth is, I have had thoughts about leaving Alice." "If you sometimes want to do something, you should do it." "Yes?" "Yes." "What you sometimes think you should do is what you should do." "That's at the very core of the Usbourne philosophy." "'Kiss my cheeks, Dr Freud, I'm on fire.'" "'That's not my fault." "I was definitely on fire.'" "So, Neil broke up with Alice." "She's in tears in Crofton Park, apparently." "Because you told him to leave her." "It was his idea." "I just... encouraged him to believe in himself." "You've got nothing, no weed at all?" "I'm not Muffin the fucking drugs mule, mate." "Why do you think I invited you?" "For my off-key remarks and crazy insights?" "Jez, man..." "Oh, shit." "Can we grab five?" "Cos my head's in fucking pieces." "You want to book in a session next week, or...?" "I'm really starting to regret leaving Alice." "Uh-huh." "I really think it was a... terrible idea." "Sorry, dude, but you're kind of harshing my mellow." "She says she won't have me back." "Yeah, I feel for you, but I'm off the clock." "What shall I do?" "Park it, Neil." "Save it till, I don't know, Wednesday." "OK, OK, everyone, hat game." "Hat's full of band names." "'Paintballing and the hat game?" "Terrific...'" "So, teams are" "Jeremy and Super Hans," "Mark and Neil, me and" "Mrs Dob-Dobalina." "Sorry, hon." "'Obviously." "'And no doubt the prize/forfeit for the losing/winning team 'is languorous copulation.' OK." "Time starts... now." "OK, you probably love them, and fair do's." "Elbow." "Correct." "'Ugh, Elbow." "Elbow, Elbow, Elbow." "'Should I get an Elbow CD?" "Probably." "'And The Killing and Mad Men 'and an iPad and everything." "God, why won't everyone leave me alone?" "'" "Hipsters, flavour of the month, still going strong." "Boards of Canada!" "Word!" "'Oh, Christ.'" "Poor man's Talking Heads." "No proper names." "Over and out." "Right, Jez and Hans." "Go." "Er, widely acknowledged to have nicked our sound." "The Chemical Brothers." "Correct." "Er, bullshitters turning wank into cash." "Flaming Lips?" "Correct." "Oh." "Arsehole." "LCD Soundsystem." "Fakers." "Pavement." "Yeah." "Oh, we thought we had her number and you got a bit overexcited, but it turned out to be a not very funny joke." "Lily Allen." "Correct." "Phoneys." "Foo Fighters." "Oh." "Demanded the Ramsgate blow job." "Mumford  Sons?" "Mm." "That's your lot." "'I'm so good at this.'" "'But I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blow job.'" "OK, Mark, Neil, you are up." "'And so the descent into Hell begins." "'I just hope they're all Snow Patrol." "'If it's not Snow Patrol or the Beatles, I am so fucked.'" "All right, er, fading fortunes, but..." "Snow Patrol?" "New release expected in about..." "The Beatles?" "Er, four... releases, big with... the men who might be what you find as relief in the desert...?" "Oasis!" "I've got one." "Oasis!" "Good." "Big with them." "What?" "Big with them?" "Big with Oasis?" "Right, who are Oasis's favourite bands?" "Um..." "'This is completely impossible.'" "Have I said Snow Patrol?" "I have, haven't I?" "Um..." "Not the Rolling Stones, obviously." "Um..." "Er..." "OK." "Moving on." "Kasabian." "Ah, Kasabian!" "Of course, Kasabian." "Kasabian, Kasabian, Kasabian." "OK, um, hipsters with attitude, er, electro sounds." "It's not Snow Patrol, is it?" "No." "Madonna." "Group." "Five-piece, I think." "OK, so not the Beatles, cos, famously, they were a four-piece." "A bit of trivia." "Er, Susan Doyle." "Boyle!" "What?" "Sorry, my mind's just drowning in bands." "All the bands." "Er, nice videos, very cool." "Meat Loaf." "Kate Bush." "Bald guy in the video?" "Hot Chocolate." "Are they a band?" "Of course they're a band!" "OK, um, clue." "They're warm, very warm." "Nation's favourite food." "Hot Potato?" "Boiling Potato." "Hot Pie." "Hot Pies." "Hot Potato." "Hot Potato." "Stop saying "Hot Potato"." "T'Pau!" "Come on, you must know, it's so easy." "Cool electro, improvise live." "I don't know." "OK?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "I don't know, so fuck off!" "Um, time's up." "Hot Chip?" "Ah, yeah, OK." "I thought it might be Hot Chips." "'Round one to you, Simon." "'Next time we do a quiz, it'll be on Napoleon." "'And while you might scrape through a few Waterloo questions, 'when I pin you down on the emperor's domestic reforms," "'I will fuck you very hard in the mouth.'" "When I woke up, Dobby was already having a coffee and a joint with Simon." "They found some dope?" "My dope." "I drove to Brighton at 7:30 to buy some." "Half an ounce of hash for a blim of approval." "God, I hate myself." "You shouldn't hate yourself, man." "Stop life-coaching him, Jeremy." "I'm not!" "Hey, guys." "'At last, military strategy.'" "'You're on my turf, music geeks.'" "All right, Neil?" "No." "I've left 36 messages for Alice." "Great." "Well, that's clearly all part of your particular process, so well done." "That's all normal and good." "'Possibly.'" "We've sorted out the teams - you're Reds." "It's ten minutes to scatter, then let the death hunt commence." ""Death hunt"?" "'Mm, the death hunt." "That sounds relaxing and fun!" "'" "Sorry, Mark, I'm Yellow." "Look out for the grenades." "Grenades?" "Can we have some grenades?" "This is a private stash." "We want one of those." "I'm happy to pay." "Pay?" "Who you gonna pay?" "I don't know, the... men?" "There aren't any men here, dude, it's just us." "No men?" "Not even "a man"?" "We're going off-road!" "There's no rules." "Just take out every member of the opposite team to win." "'And by that she means me.'" "Death hunt!" "Death hunt!" "Dobs, this isn't fair!" "Look at us!" "Yellow team, move out!" "'Holding hands?" "That's not military!" "'I'm pretty sure Rommel never held hands.'" "Why does there have to be a death hunt, Mark?" "Why does war even exist?" "Why can't we all just have a game of footy, like how England beat Germany for the First World War?" "I don't know how to answer that, Jeremy." "'Oh, this is a paintballing nightmare!" "Must escape.'" "'Must not die." "Enjoy the relaxing game.'" "'Keep girlfriend from ex sex.'" "We're coming to paint you, shitheads!" "'Oh, yes, a ditch!" "'" "'I should burrow further and further into the earth, like the worm I am.'" " Mark?" "It's me." " Hans?" "I think I've just spotted some kind of bunker." "Brilliant!" "I wonder if Simon found a bunker." "I wonder if he's in there with Dobby." "Oh, God!" "Probably." "War makes people horny." "Yalta." "Yalta was hardcore." "Stalin and Roosevelt sandwich." "Churchill sat on the side, wanking." "Yeah?" "Can we hide with you?" "We're not hiding." "We're in a... holding pattern." "'Hmm, the lifeboat is getting overcrowded.'" "Hi." "Hi." "'Yes, it's more the merrier in the lifeboat." "'You can't have too many people in a lifeboat." "'That's what they never, ever, ever fucking say.'" "Is this allowed?" "Just... run away from the war?" "The action of the sane man through the ages." "They were forming a kill squad cos of Alice." "Kill squad." "That's not a nice squad." "Don't sweat it." "Alice is a doommonger." "Long term, Neil's gonna be very happy he chucked her." "That was my hunch, cos, y'know..." "Well, I'm bound by strict confidentiality, but I think it's OK to tell you because you know him a bit." "Neil likes to get handcuffed and then pulled off with gloves on." "Does he?" "Yeah." "This is all confidential, and I wouldn't be telling you unless it was... interesting." "That would be unprofessional." "But she wouldn't wear the gloves, even at Christmas." "Bloody hell!" "Can you keep it a secret?" "I don't know." "He sucked a guy off at college and thinks he might want to do it again." "Wow!" "OK, and what about the football coaching thing?" "Yeah. 'What was the football coaching thing?" "'" "'There was something about his job." "Really liked his job or something.'" "I really think I've said enough, to be honest." "Hey, Gaylord!" "You gonna bum the lesbo?" "What's that?" "Lesbo." "Yeah?" "Eat this, motherfucker." "Fuck's sake!" "And if I was gay, why would I want to bum her?" "That doesn't even make sense." "Taste my logic gun, bitch man." "'God, this is so frightening and boring, just like a real war, 'cowering in a foxhole for months." "'I could have got this sensation of anxiety and fear at home 'by drinking three cafetieres of coffee and then lying under my bed 'and calling my dad after 10pm." "They went this way." "Scour the area." "Guys, look, they're onto you." "There are too many of us here." "What about this?" "Matches." "Two longies, two shorties." "Pick." "OK." "Short." "You're going." "Sorry." "Shit!" "Mate?" "Long." "Mark?" "'Oh...!" "One short, one long.'" "Short." "Congratulations." "But..." "Yeah." "First short goes, first long goes." "And the last one is long, so I'm good." "Bad luck, guys." "Is that right?" "Yeah, course it's right." "Innit, Mark?" "'Hmm, bit horrible, but...'" "That's right." "Sorry." "Hey, we don't make the rules." "Well, you did make the rules." "I think that you might be OK." "'You won't be OK.'" "Yeah?" "Listen up, Hall and Oates, you're going for a walk and you may be some time." "'Fuck, it worked!" "'" "'Maybe I should use the matches to get Jeremy to move out.'" "'Long, he leaves." "Short, he leaves.'" "Ow!" "Fuck!" "Jesus." "They're painting those poor bastards like the Forth Bridge." "All right, bunker cleared." "Moving off!" "Thank God." "They're lucky they didn't get hit by the Snitch." "The Snitch?" "Golden Snitch." "Apparently, the Yellows like to mix it up a bit, chuck a ball bearing in the paint pot - keep it interesting." "A ball bearing?" "!" "But that would..." "That'd kill you!" "No!" "No." "I mean, it'd go in ya." "It'd go in you?" "Yeah, it'd go in you a bit." "Wouldn't it?" "From one of those guns?" "A fucking ball bearing?" "!" "Oh, God." "Splat an eyeball, take out your windpipe." "Take a nut off like that." "You'll be all right." "Unless you get hit in a sensitive area." "But I'm covered in sensitive areas!" "I can't see a single part of me that I would nominate to be smashed with a high-velocity ball bearing." "Hans, I'm really sorry, but..." "I think I need to do a poo." "You're not pooing in the bunker, Mark." "You had a wee!" "Yeah, a little bit of wee, compared to a great big poo." "You're not pooing in this bunker." "Poo in the bunker, I will shoot you." "'Could keep it in, but then what if I get into a combat situation 'and my valves go floppy?" "'" "Oh, for God's sake!" "'The Charge of the Shit Brigade.'" "'Oh..." "Force 10 Poo From Navarone?" "'" "'I thought humanity had evolved beyond this.'" "'This is a really fun weekend!" "'" "'Could it be any worse?" "'" "'Maybe, if Dobby and Simon came round the corner humping 'and then shot me with my pants down.'" "'Started this war as Napoleon, 'but I'm reduced to wiping my bum with his biography.'" "'Although I am able to pick a section I've already read.'" "'Plus, it's not like Napoleon is wiping his bum with pages of my biography, 'so I am, to an extent, maybe winning?" "'" "Simon wants to know if I'll join him in his bunker for a party." "Yeah, Hitler put the bad vibe on the bunker party." "Like he did with so much else." "I shouldn't talk to you about this, should I?" "It's cool." "I am a professional life coach, remember." "Everything you say will be strictly confidential." "What's Mark like to live with?" "'Well, I hate living with him, but I never want it to end.'" "'Why is that?" "Is it like Stockholm syndrome, where you want to go 'and live in Stockholm with a dick, or something?" "'" "That is quite a long wait." "Is he a secret paedo or something?" "No." "Obviously, no." "'She's asking for it.'" "'She's begging for a life-coaching.'" "How are you feeling about moving in with him?" "Well, you know Mark - he's brilliant." "Sour and funny and cynical and anxious and screwed up." "'Keep going.'" "But sometimes I wonder, is he enough fun?" "Right." "Yeah." "'"Fun" means good at sex.'" "'Everyone knows that." "Basic life coaching.'" "'Oh, drugs!" "He'll probably start hallucinating I'm a Yellow 'or a sexy female hostage.'" "I'm going Ewok, mate." "Full-on fuckin' furball." "I've got hairy ears poking out of me noggin." "Maybe not too much more speed?" "They think I'm a drugged-up scumbag." "They're all the same, the Yellows." "Yeah." "The Empire - we're 22-carat Ewok." "Right." "We should get one of 'em in here, take a knife to him." "You don't mean a real knife." "You mean a... paint knife." "It's a paintbrush, Mark." "I'm just talking Swiss Army." "Cut one up." "What d'you say to that?" "I say let's definitely not do that." "Forget the knife, just get one of them down on the floor, yeah?" "Strip him." "Paint his arsehole from point-blank range." "What d'you say?" "I'd say you've moved from attempted murder to violent sexual assault, which is probably, technically, moving in the, quote, "right direction"." "How about we just surrender, make my boxers into a makeshift white flag, march into their bunker, my boxers on a stick, and say, "What the hell's going on here?"" "Still living the boxer-short dream, Mark, eh?" "You need to get some ball support before your nuts start dragging like iron eggs in a pair of Grayson Perry's tights." "'Hmm, locked in with a mad commanding officer.'" "'Only problem is, if I shoot him, he won't actually die.'" "Do you think Simon is really getting it on with Dobs in the bunker, or is it just me being paranoid?" "No, mate, course you're not." "Yellows, fuckin' yellow-bellied." "Yellow fever!" "Boning your bird?" "Classic Yellow." "'Probably not the most reliable spirit level to test my paranoia against.'" "Seriously, I've had it up to here with Yellow shit." "If you wanna belt up and bust out, Mark, I am in." "Well, as Napoleon once said..." "'Hmm, what's a goody?" "'" ""Laws which are consistent in theory often prove chaotic in practice"." "Fuck, yeah!" "'Oh, God." "He's going to kill someone.'" "'With paint." "I might have inspired a paint war crime.'" "I think the truth is, basically, I've been bored ever since 9/11." "Yeah?" "I mean, I was watching the news with Mark the other day, and he was, like, all up in my grill about the euro, and I was, like, "Ooh, the Italians might leave the euro, big wow."" "It's not exactly planes smashing into buildings, is it?" "Yeah." "That was good news." "Not good news, obviously, but good... news." "It was amazing news." "Y'know, in terms of events and consequences, it was just huge news." "Maybe I've been bored since 9/11." "They set their standards too high with 9/11, the news." "They can't top it." "Exactly." "'I love you.'" "'Holy fuck!" "Where did that come from?" "'" "Simon again." "Last year, he was all, "It's just not working."" "Now I'm with Mark, he's all, "Ooh, I forgot what nice calves you have." ""Let me put my dobbin in your noggin."" "Tch!" "Right." "'Get your dobbin out of her noggin.'" "'There's a queue here" " Mark, me, dead Gerrard, then you 'at the very back of the queue.'" "Jez?" "Are you OK?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I was just thinking about... how weird it is that, er, things and also people, er, can sometimes be di... different." "Yeah." "I'd love to agree, but you're spouting gibberish." "Come on, let's rejoin the troops before we get court-martialled." "'This is bad." "I've done a lot of bad shit, 'but falling in love with her is the worst - or at least the most recent... 'bad thing I've ever done.'" "That Yellow bastard'll be in there right now, doing your missus." "We need to get in there." "OK." "Let's think this through." "How about we outflank and try a Napoleonic manoeuvre de derriere?" "Eh?" "I'm gonna give them an art lesson." "I'm gonna Jackson Pollock these motherfuckers." "Yeah, or..." "SUPER HAAAANS!" "'Right, into the bunker to save Eva Braun and cock-block the Fuhrer.'" "Where's Dobby?" "I thought Dobby was in here." "I've been trying to get her to come in to talk some sense into Neil." "'No humping." "Brilliant.'" "'So, just got to get her to stay faithful for another 40 years, 'when we have very little basic compatibility.'" "Yeah, screw Simon." "I'll just move in with Mark and give it a go." "Great." "And if it doesn't work out, just move in with me!" "Just joking." "Stupid joke about something that wouldn't happen." "That'd never work." "We're too similar." "I know!" "We'd never get out of bed." "Cos we'd be doing it and doing it and doing it, and then have a doobie and then do it, and watch TV, then maybe we'd have dinner and just fuck the world, and that'd be our whole thing." "'Easy, Romeo, lay off the "doing it"." "THWACK!" "Argh!" "Oh, I got the Snitch!" "I've taken the fucking Snitch up the jacksie!" "This is bullshit, Mark." "I want revenge." "Dobs!" "You're OK!" "Yeah." "Of course I am." "It was her." "It was her, the last Yellow, with the Golden Snitch." "It wasn't me." "We're out of the game." "Yeah, this game ain't got no off-ramp, sister." "No, Hans, too close!" "Bullshit." "No!" "Ow..." "Jez!" "Fuck!" "What the bloody hell?" "Hang on..." "Are you a secret Yellow?" "Are you a double agent?" "'Yeah, I'm a double agent." "I'm James Bond, 'and I'm gonna get some ointment rubbed on my swollen scrotum.'" "You ruined my life!" "I'm about to be hit?" "Correct." "Sorry!" "'This is Vietnam - drugs, breakdown in military order... 'all we need now are The Doors.'" "'The Doors!" "Now I remember another band!" "'"