"No!" "Is there an e-mail from the Event Committee?" "!" "I can't answer that." "You can't or you won't?" "You and Siri fighting again?" "I get it." "Yeah, my Roomba and I fight all the time." "Guys, the Welltopia banquet is this weekend, and the Event Committee still hasn't called to ask me to emcee." "You know, I'm gonna check to make sure the phones are working." "They're working." "I've hosted five years running, and that was before my legendary performance at the legendary Laugh Factory." "Okay, to be clear, you did a five-minute set for friends and family on a Tuesday at sundown." "Yeah, and you're still talking about it." "How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?" "None, unless it's ready to change." "That's just a little taste of what you'll be getting when I host the banquet." "Good crowd." "Good crowd." "You?" "!" "They asked you to host the banquet?" " Mm-hmm." " Why?" "I don't know, I guess maybe they wanted more thinking man's comedy and less desperate man's comedy." "You know, more cerebral humor and less of the rubber-faced clowning that is your trademark." "Did you guys know about this?" "A little bit, we did." "But we were maybe scared to tell you." "Because we thought you would go crazy." "P.S. I wanted to tell you." "I like a little crazy to break up my work day." "Thank you... for being honest with me, but I'm fine." "And I'll actually be able to enjoy the banquet for once." "You never get to eat when you emcee." "Have a great morning." "It was in the way." "Why would they ask Pat to host?" "Maybe they want to give someone else a turn." "You don't ask Mark Zuckerberg to step down to give someone else a turn." "You're the Mark Zuckerberg of hosting HMO banquets?" "I was until the Event Committee Winklevossed me." "Forget it." "You're not a comedy person." "Hey, I'm the funniest person in my book club." "Book club funny?" "That's like saying I'm the smartest guy at my gym." "When did you join a gym?" "The point is... you know how much this banquet means to me." "Okay, look." "Instead of stewing and brooding, maybe you'd feel better if you took the high road." "Oh, yeah." "I'll consider that never." "The low road's easier, it's faster, it's on brand." "Ken, you've gotten a lot of validation for your comedy." "You can afford to be emotionally generous with Pat." "You're right." "I am?" "This lame HMO banquet is beneath me now." "But it's the only kind of garbage gig Pat can get." "I can throw Pat a bone because I am made of bones." "You know what?" "I'll go get Pat a bottle of scotch and say, "Congratulations, it isn't easy stealing a job from a more deserving candidate."" "Ohh..." "I'm sort of proud of you." "Thank you, Allison." "I'm a very good person." "Humble, too." "Humble, too." "Uh... why is the neighbor girl standing outside the kitchen window creepy-staring at you?" "Emily?" "She likes me." "How long does she just stand there?" "Depends." "Sometimes she takes a break to eat." "Sometimes she just powers through." "Uh, Dave, you have a stalker." "I don't like to put labels on things." "Well, I do, and I would label this with a "W" for "weird."" "Don't encourage her." "You want to get rid of her." "How do I do that?" "Aah!" "She's still here?" "And don't come back!" "Eric, I don't work hard all day to come home and eat leftovers out of a damn doggy ba..." "Excu... 'scuse me, 'scuse me?" "What you call me?" "Uh-huh, that's what I thought!" "Oh, my God, is everything okay with you and Eric?" "Yeah, why?" "Speaking of Eric..." "Always eavesdropping." "Will he be attending the banquet as your guest?" "Yes, Pat, just like I told you yesterday and the day before." "Well, relationships are volatile, and I'm in charge of the plus-ones." "So sue me for being thorough!" "Oh, uh, Connor is coming, too." "Yeah, whatever." "Okay." "So, are you bringing anyone, Pat?" "Well, it would hardly seem appropriate to bring a date to a work event where you know an ex-lover... mmm!" "... is going to be." "Would it, hmm?" "Would it?" "Listen, I am so glad that Eric is my plus-one." "This is easily the best relationship" "I've been in in a long time..." "Some people are still eavesdropping!" "You're leaving early, Mr. Dr. Ken." "You get fired?" "No." "No, I'm just heading to the liquor store." "Oh, 'cause I was gonna give your parking spot to the new Ears, Noses, and Throats guy." "Super cool." "Real people person." "Already remembered my birthday." "Sorry, Juan-Julio." "Not fired." "I'm sorry, too." "Ahh." "Find the nearest liquor store." "Licorice store." "Not licorice store!" "Liquor... store!" "Livermore, California." "Aah!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "You hit your boss's car." "I can't wait to tell the Ears, Noses, and Throats guy the good news." "Mr. Dr. Gary!" " Pat." " Mm?" "Did you park in your spot today?" "Why wouldn't I?" "So, your license plate says "Boyy Toyy"?" "I'm a boy, and it's my toy." "I feel terrible because I backed into your boy toy." "You did... you did what?" "Don't... don't... don't worry." "No, my insurance will pay for everything, and... oh, and... here." "Well, well, well." "I guess it wasn't enough to wallow in jealousy over my hosting the banquet, no." "You had to take it out on my boy toy." "No, no, Pat!" "It was an accident." "Damona, you believe me, don't you?" "Clark." "Sweet, sweet Clark." "You believe me, don't you?" "I believe it's what you believe." "Clark, what the...?" "Oh, Juan-Julio." "You were there." "Thank God." "Can you find the security footage?" "You bet I might be able to." "Okay, uh, just have to type in my password." "A little privacies?" "Okay." "Oh, it's running kind of slow." "Damona, can I close out these windows?" "Oh, yeah, just keep my e-mail open." "Oh, wait, is that that Groupon you were telling me about?" " Yeah, honey." "Raglin Brothers... we going." " Oh, we are going." "Just show the tape already!" "I hate you!" "I wasn't yelling at Pat." "I was yelling at Siri." "It was her fault!" "Oh, sure." "Blame the woman." "No!" "I was taking the high road!" "Ken, you wouldn't know the high road if you were driving in the Alps." "And those are clearly high roads!" "Are you looking for neighbor girl?" "She was here before." "She was?" "I turn on sprinklers." "Dave, if you miss Emily, maybe she was more than just a stalker." "You think so?" "I mean, it's a little weird, but you do a lot of weird things, like get dressed for school the night before and then sleep in your clothes." "It's called a power wake-up." "Warren Buffett does it." "The point is, maybe there's more going on here." "Maybe you like like Emily." "Ha!" "Me like like her?" "That's crazy." "Or is it?" "It is crazy." "She was standing in sprinklers for a good 10 minutes!" "Not normal!" "Hey..." "Yep, I told Eric it was black tie, but he wanted to do his own thing." "You said it was black tie optional." "Everything is technically optional, Eric." "But most of us opted not to dress for a damn rodeo!" "Look, if you gonna be on me all night about my outfit," "I'm gonna find someone who appreciates me and my nice jeans." "Well, fine!" "And while you're at it, check the buffet!" "I like to know how to plan my plate, you yokel!" "Isn't this fun?" "Like, us out with our guys." "It's so much fun." "It's just you, me, Connor, and the Yokel." " What?" "Is there something wrong?" " Okay, listen." "I'm your friend, so I'm just gonna give this to you..." "What?" "No." "Yeah, I'll come to you." "You guys are always fighting." "It's super uncomfortable." "I mean, Connor is over there having a conversation with himself." "Oh, please!" "That's just the way we are." "We are just totally honest with each other." "What, you and Connor never fight?" "Of course not." "So, what do you do when he does something that bothers you?" "Nothing he does bothers me." "Okay, occasionally when he is eating, he makes this, like, "Mmm mmm mmm-mmm-mmm" sound." "Kind of makes me okay with the idea of dying alone." "And you don't say anything?" "And risk having a fight?" "No, no." "I just sit there and take it, like when you have a politically incorrect Uber driver." "Well, every relationship I ever had," "I got that kind of stuff out." "I argued from the first day to the last day, and sometimes that's the same day." "I really want it to work with Eric." "I really want it to work with Connor." "Well, maybe we should just trust our instincts." "Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Although, historically, you and I have spent many evenings alone with our instincts." "Ugh!" ""Enjoy the comic stylings of Pat Hein"?" "No, thank you." "Just try to enjoy yourself." "Hey, watch it." "Oh, no." "I'm sorry." "Don't smash my car in." "Why are there no trash cans here?" "!" "Hey." "Do you think we fight too much?" "I don't know." "The real question is why you keep stepping on me with them big-ass biscuits you call feet." "Um, thank you, Eric, for your... constructive criticism." "I will try to be a better dancer." "You feeling okay?" "Never better." "Because you dance like a drunk ox." "Oh." "You." "You, oh, you are... oh, you a funny man with some... nice, appropriate jeans on." "That's what you are." "Mmm mmm mmm-mmm-mmm." "Hey." "Could I just ask you about the "Mmm mmm mmm-mmm-mmm" sound?" "What are you talking about?" "Just whenever you take a bite of something, you just make this... noise." "Which I gather bothers you." "It is the soundtrack to my nightmares." "Are you fighting with me?" "I don't know." "Maybe a little." "Okay, all right." "Well, I guess I can tell you what bothers me." "Like what?" "The fact that you tend to wildly overreact." "Pat's 15 minutes late." "That's how bad his comic timing is." "How am I not hosting this?" "!" "You know what?" "Enough." "Pat's been through a lot." "I think he took the Damona thing pretty hard." "Someone hit his car." "Just be a friend, okay?" "Pat's stranded on the side of the freeway." " Would you consider..." " Yes!" "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Oh!" "You don't have to ask me twice." "She didn't even ask you once." "So, Pat Hein won't be able to make it tonight." "His bumper somehow fell off on the 405." "He says he's not in the greatest of neighborhoods, but so far, no one's been able to jimmy his doors open and get at him." "Anyway, here's Dr. Ken Parks!" "You were right, Allison." "Sorry, I can't be funny right now." "Didn't stop you last year." "So, guess who has a girlfriend." "You talked to Emily?" "Go, Dave." "So, are you gonna, like, take her on one of your learning walks?" "No, we're really more homebodies." "Aah!" "Wow, you have a really unique ability to go unnoticed." "I love that about her." "She's like a superhero." "Aah!" "She got in the house?" "!" "Grandpa." "No." "Every relationship is different, and if this works for them..." "Okay." "But I'm not making her a snack." "You feed them, and they keep coming back." "Well, you're the last person I expected to pick me up on the side of the freeway." "I thought for sure you'd be up there hosting in my place." "I was." "The crowd begged me to stay." "They were chanting my name, pulling at my clothes." "But I couldn't go through with it." "I was up there thinking about you and your imminent mugging and... your situation." "Whether you believed it was an accident or not, it was still my fault." "Well, thanks." "And I'm sorry I wasn't more gracious about you being asked to bomb..." "I mean host." "You know, the car is a great place for awkward conversations." "You don't have to make eye contact." "It's where my dad told me about the birds and the bees." "And about his other family." "My point is... the only reason the Event Committee asked me to emcee is..." "I made them." " What?" "!" " Hmm?" "Hmm." "Why?" "Well, even though Damona and I are no longer," "I wanted her new beau to think that her ex was a somebody." "I took the low road." "Yeah, you wouldn't guess it to look at me, Ken, but I can be small... and petty." "Me, too." "Oh, man, I do stuff like that all the time." "Low road's so much easier." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, if they had a Fast Pass, I would own it." "Ahh, I wonder who they got to host the banquet." "Eh, probably pulled some hack out of the crowd." "So, I have three children... 11, 17, and 46." "I'm not saying my husband is a child." "I don't want to insult children." "No, Ken's great." "Just ask him." "What the...?" "You guys have been such a great audience." "So much better than my husband." "He doesn't even think I'm funny!" "But then again, he thinks he's funny, so maybe he's not the best judge." "Thank you, Radisson Ballroom B!" "Thank you!" "So, Eric and I didn't fight for two whole hours." "It was hell." "But we did have a blowout in the lobby over some toothpicks." "We're all good now." "Well, we did fight, and it turns out we are not good at it." "Yeah, we had no idea what to do or how to get out of it." "Finally, I had to agree to start watching "Stranger Things."" "Ugh." "Hey, I gave the valet our ticket." "Our car is waiting for us." "Aww." "Brought your raincoat so you wouldn't have to wait in line." "Aww." "That's not my raincoat, genius." "You want to wait longer?" "A raincoat is a raincoat." "That's my girl." "Looks good." "That was my coat, but I'll get another one." "It's fine." "Did you see any of it?" "How did I do?" "You were so funny." "And not just book club funny..." "HMO banquet funny." "So, you made things right with Pat?" "Yep, we're good." "You're right about the high road." "It does feel better." "Really?" "You're a high road guy now?" "Mm, not sure it'll stick, but let's just enjoy the moment." "So, were all your jokes about me?" "Oh, no." "Most of them had nothing to do with you." "Aww." "Thanks for lying." "High road."