"If you learn nothing else in life, just remember you can never go wrong with Dolce  Gabbana." "Their baby line is almost as chic as their little doggie line." "It's just so exciting to think there's going to be a baby in the world with hopes and dreams and swarovski crystals." "Are those baby clothes?" "Bryan, we talked about this." "We agreed no buying any baby things until after all the health tests." "I know." "I was bad, but it wasn't planned." "I mean, it just happened." "I got excited." "We were out for pinkberry." "I mean, obviously, I'm lactose intolerant but Shania here begged me for some." "Anyway, next thing I know, the kid here spots a baby store and drags me inside." "It is a whole new tiny fashion world out there." "I had no idea." "Supermodel, werk!" "It's so gaga." "House of Lebeija!" "You look ridiculous." "I mean, that baby model was a perfect, like, twelve-eight-twelve." "No buying any baby clothes until after all the tests." "A mouse driving a car." "It's hilarious." "You are made of stone!" "All this stuff needs to be returned." "Returned?" "David, the salesgirl will think we're poor." "Yeah?" "Well, you should have thought of that before you broke our agreement." "Can I keep this baby skirt?" "It's so cute." "Of course." "Sure." "Just take it before eeyore makes us return everything." "So... this baby is going to be the greatest thing that ever happened to us, right?" "Mm-hmm." "It's our little miracle." "Absolutely." "So when can we start enjoying it?" "At about the 12-week mark." "That's when we run the fetal nuchal translucency test, or the nt." "Fnt." "I just say nt." "Quicker." "Well, after that, I can pull the trigger on his/her canopy bed?" "Uh, no, Bryan." "We're not out of the woods yet." "What's the test?" "It's basically an ultrasound that scans for downs syndrome." "They also look at the amniotic fluid for any other abnormalities and they measure the baby." "And let's pray that he or she is just slightly undersized, 'cause those Marc Jacobs onesies run a tad small." "It'd be a shame if he or she got shut out of that fall line." "Yes, that would be a shame." "So after the Marc Jacobs test, then what?" "Well, then we start to..." "Well, there are many options." "There's the amnio at 16 to 20 weeks, the chorionic villus at 18, but a lot of people are doing that earlier now, but I was thinking just to be safe, that we go ahead and schedule" "the quadruple marker screener." "What's that?" "I don't know." "Why don't you ask him?" "Well, it's really quite amazing." "What they do is they take a blood sample and they analyze various hormones." "The results can detect upwards of 85% of defects." "Defects?" "What kind of defects?" "I'm shutting down." "Anything from spina bifida to red hair." "Red hair?" "Can we do that test now?" "You know, I read online that Judas was a redhead." "I don't trust any one of them." "Every time I see Reba McEntire, I just want to shout," ""you killed my lord and savior."" "You see a redhead walking down the street just go, "fire in the hole!" "Fire in the hole!"" "Um, I don't think" "I did any of these tests when I was pregnant with Shania." "I mean, my Nana was so ashamed, for the first three months, she took me to the veterinarian." "It's the Marc Jacobs test, the amnio, the birth defect thing, the red head scare, and then we can have the joy?" "Yes." "Then we can have the joy." "It's a lot to deal with, I know, but really, all you need to focus on now is the ultrasound this Friday." "It's a big day." "You're going to hear your baby's heartbeat!" "Of course, just because you hear the heartbeat doesn't mean that you're safe." "Nearly 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage." "Butterscotch?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "Hey." "Can I sit with you guys at lunch?" "No." "You're hideous." "Wait, is that for a baby or something?" "What?" "Uh, no." "It's a crop top, like teenagers wear and certain women my dad hangs out with." "Then why is there a pacifier on it?" "Hey, shauna." "You want to sit next to me?" "Thanks." "It's Shania." "My mom's boyfriend packed my lunch today." "He always gives me leftover pizza." "If you sit with me, you can eat my crusts." "You want me to eat lunch with you?" "Is this a prank?" "'Cause no one here is nice to me." "Why are you being nice to me?" "I like your top." "I really like it." "I really wouldn't worry." "Only four percent of the world's population has red hair." "I know." "I just never considered the possibility." "See you on "heartbeat Friday." Bump!" "Bump!" "Oh, Bryan!" "Shania said some top you gave her was so cool, it helped her make a new friend." "Aww." "Aww." "You know what?" "I'm going to buy her some more new clothes." "You guys have fun at lunch." "I'm hitting the outlet mall." "If I had ever been to one, I would love an outlet mall." "I'll drive." "Oh, no, it's far." "I'll just take the bus." "No, we can give you a ride." "What's wrong with the bus?" "Honey, the only people that take the bus are high school dropouts, single moms and bottle blondes." "You literally just described me." "Oh, we can fix your hair." "Okay, David, I need your help." "If you were a nine-year-old girl, would you think this is cool?" "Hmm, I would say "cool," but probably fatal." "Okay." "I'm just saying" "Shania is very fair-skinned, and tank tops like that expose shoulders which is the area most commonly neglected by sunscreen and can cause irreparable damages." "But you know, just keep an eye out for any irregular, notched or scalloped moles." "But super-cute color." "Where's Bryan?" "Mm..." "I'll check by the scarves, you check by the mirrors." "Okay." "♪ Busted. ♪" "Are these baby clothes?" "I'm confused as to why the prices are so low." "Where am I?" "Stop it." "You promised we'd wait till after the test results." "I know." "But when I promised that," "I didn't know that this existed." "That's not that cute." "Okay, that's adorable." "Can you believe we're going to have a baby with a head that wears one of these?" "I know." "We're really gonna be dads." "I love you, too." "I didn't say I love you." "I know, but I know you were thinking it." "I love you, too." "Wow." "Excuse me?" "Would you mind not doing that?" "No, it's okay." "He's actually going to let me buy this thing." "No." "Uh, don't do that in front of my daughter." "Kissing another man." "This is a family store, and I shouldn't have to go home and explain that to my kid." "Explain what?" "Look, I don't care what kind of crap you do in the privacy of your own home, but don't bring it in here." "No, no, no." "Let's just go." "It's not worth it." "No, no, no, no, no." "Explain what, sir?" "Love?" "There are places you'd get your ass kicked for that crap." "I'm trying to be cool here." "Oh, well, you really are being cool, sir." "Thanks for your intolerance and your bigotry, and for fostering this ignorance in another generation." "And for bringing back the Fanny pack." "Okay, the impact of that line fell short because you're still wearing a beanie on your head." "I'm trying to protect my family here." "Yeah, well, we're having a family, too." "Well, that's disgusting." "I feel bad for that poor kid." "Come on." "Oh, there you are." "Are you guys all right?" "What happened?" "I'm here to pick up my granddaughter." "Name?" "Mrs. Jane Forrest." "The girl." "Oh." "Shania Clemmons." "Four-eyes." "Cloakroom." "With a classmate." "Oh, that's nice." "I've never met any of Shania's friends." "I was starting to think she killed, breaded and ate them all." "What the hell are you wearing?" "!" "Hey, Nana!" "And what the hell are you doing?" "!" "Rounding second." "Okay, both of you, come with me... right now." "Hey, dude, whatcha doing?" "Please tell me you're not upset about returning the baby clothes." "I'm not." "Once we're out of the woods," "I promise you can buy as many tiny pairs of baby shoes as you want." "Our kid is going to give Terry bradshaw a case of shoe envy." "It is Carrie bradshaw!" "And stop pretending you don't know!" "And that's not why I'm upset." "You're not still thinking about the guy from the outlet mall, are you?" "That was an isolated incident." "Honey... it's okay." "It's not okay." "There will always be stupid jerks in the world." "You can't let them bother you." "Just ignore them." "That's your plan?" "Ignore them?" "I've been ignoring people like that my entire life, David." "That's not good enough anymore." "We're having a baby." "Yes, God willing, everything's chromosomally correct..." "Will you stop that?" "!" "We are bringing a baby into the world where idiot people feel free to say and do the things they say and do because we have been trained to ignore them!" "That guy is not the problem." "We are the problem." "Well, what did you want me to do?" "Get in his face?" "I'm not that guy." "I don't know!" "I'm not crying for me." "I'm crying because what if that happened in front of our kid?" "What will we do then?" "Just be ashamed of who we are?" "What kind of message does that send to our child?" "I don't want our kid to feel that." "To see him or her get hurt like that, that would just kill me." "As a parent, you're supposed to protect your child." "You tell them not to play in the street, and-and don't do drugs and wear a thick shea butter moisturizer at night." "But how are we supposed to protect our baby from hate?" "Excuse me, what is the best method of birth control nowadays?" "Ma'am, isn't your age the best method of birth control?" "No, it's not for me, you inked-up, rude pervert." "It's for them." "Uh, I'm sorry?" "Why don't you just give me the pill for her, and I'm gonna need some condoms for the boy." "I'd say, extra small." "Are you serious?" "These are just kids." "Oh, they may look like kids, but their private parts have already gotten into some very adult conversations." "Look at her chest." "These tiny boobies are already starting to sprout and for all I know, auntie Flo's come to visit." "She's so secretive." "She's just like her mother." "In my mind," "I'm taking a bubble bath and someone just threw a toaster in next to me." "I feel so relieved." "Budding breasts." "I hadn't noticed that." "Oh, I have!" "And that is all it takes." "I'm going to call the police." "What fruit is in the mango-banana blast?" "Amir, I'm completely freaking out." "Bryan and I are going to hear the heartbeat for the first time today." "Is the lemon bang sour?" "What, are you nuts?" "Why are you even telling me this?" "You still have the first heartbeat." "You still have the cvs and the triple screen." "All sorts of bad things can come up." "I know." "Can't you just say you're happy for us?" "Is there meat in the protein boost?" "Come on!" "Dude, biggest fight me and the wife ever got in was during my son's first heartbeat test." "I was all over the monitor comparing fetal heart rate against hers..." "What does immune boost mean?" "You frickin' kidding me?" "Come on!" "See, it turns out, she was just upset because I was thinking like a doctor and not like a man hearing his son's heartbeat for the first time." "I think I'm having an anxiety attack." "Hey, look at me." "What?" "Hey." "Congrats, David." "Can I have a femme boost, please?" "Will you give the idiot an IQ boost already?" "This retard's holding up the line!" "Hey, don't talk to him like that!" "Oh, yeah?" "What are you gonna do about it?" "Hey!" "I don't need you fighting my battles for me..." "Fag." "Sorry I'm late, guys." "That's okay." "The doctor's not even here yet." "Oh, yeah." "Are you okay?" "Uh, no, I'm upset that I-I just punched someone at the gym." "For hogging the free weights?" "I mean, David, I don't condone that, but I-I do understand." "No, I punched a guy who called a handicapable person the r word." "That's horrible." "And then the retarded guy called me a fag." "Can you believe that?" "Oh, well, is-is the guy you hit going to press charges?" "I don't know." "I'm just..." "I'm just upset." "Largely at myself." "I just lost it." "It doesn't matter." "Where's the chart?" "Look at the chart." "Oh, no." "David, are you okay?" "I'm fine." "I knew." "You knew what?" "At the outlet store," "I pretended I didn't hear when that guy said you were disgusting for being gay parents, but I did hear." "You really are being cool, sir." "Thank you for your intolerance, and your bigotry, and for fostering this ignorance in another generation." "And for bringing back the Fanny pack." "I should have marched up and confronted them, but I was too afraid." "It's okay." "No, it's not okay." "And the next time that happens, I promise I'll speak up." "If only these ignorant people with all this hate in their hearts could see you like I do." "Did you just intentionally quote a song from cabaret to lift my spirits, or was that a well-timed accident?" "Everybody ready?" "Yes." "All right, it's gonna be very simple." "It'll be over in a minute." "Just so you know, 45% of all of these tests turn out..." "Yes." "Here we go." "Ooh." "Yup." "Okay, there we are." "We have a heartbeat." "Congratulations." "I... have to apologize." "I never should have allowed this woman to remove these children from my classroom." "Excuse me?" "When I found them, these children were about to fornicate in a coat closet." "Looked like a fourth grade production of caligula back there." "Nana, that's no excuse for kidnapping an actual kid and dragging him to planned parenthood." "Okay, this little horn dog was going at Shania like a kid who lost a quarter in a candy machine." "And who can blame him?" "He can't control himself." "You've got poor little Shania tarted up like some CNN news anchor." "Come on." "It was completely innocent." "I'm so sorry." "This is not the first time my Nana's abducted a person to make a point." "I'm actually really glad she did it." "Yeah." "I'm sorry?" "Kids grow up so fast." "You know, everywhere they look, it's just sex, sex, sex." "After the stunt your Nana pulled yesterday, wilbur and I were able to sit down and have a very honest conversation, and I was able to answer all of his questions." "Uh, well, maybe not all of his questions." "I still can't tell him who his father is 'cause I don't know myself." "Anyway, thank you." "You're welcome." "Now, may we be excused?" "God, I hope so." "I really like the way you took control of that situation." "Okay, come on." "All this is going in my spank bank." "Attention students." "Buses 54, 78..." "That's right." "I think we got it straight." "Shania, sweetheart, would you mind waiting in the car?" "I-I need to talk to your mom." "Really?" "Now?" "Now I should wait in the car?" "Go on, sweetie." "Well, I think we dodged a bullet there." "Goldie, sweetheart, we didn't dodge anything." "Your daughter is about to wade into the deep end of the sexual pool, and she does not know how to swim." "We-we shouldn't even be talking about... swimming." "My daughter is nine." "Oh, yeah?" "That's what I thought about you." "And your mother, and myself while I'm at it." "I was a 34-year-old grandmother." "Now how would you like to add that to your list of accomplishments?" "Which, by the way, aren't many." "Goldie, this is our wake-up call." "This is our chance to do better for Shania." "This is our chance to stop this cycle." "You're right." "I'll talk to her tonight." "Good." "Now let's get the hell out of here." "That kid is giving me the creeps." "Wilbur!" "Come on." "Now!" "Well, good news." "Jason here has agreed not to press charges." "I did two tours in Iraq." "Bit the hump off a camel on a dare." "You think I can't take a punch from some punk-ass doctor?" "Technically, I'm not an ass doctor." "I deal more with the front side, but, uh, thank you for being so cool about this." "I don't know what got into me." "It's probably just stress." "My boyfriend and I are about to become dads for the first time." "Aw!" "Congratulations!" "My boyfriend and I just got engaged." "You?" "I didn't..." "That's great." "Congratulations." "Yeah, I'm so excited." "Get a room!" "Can we get this boy dance party over with?" "Well, Jason, David, we at equinox do not tolerate physical violence." "Except in our krav maga class." "We're going to have to revoke your memberships." "Permanently." "Boo-ya!" "Boo-ya?" "What is that?" "You're getting kicked out, too!" "He is getting kicked out, right?" "No." "He called him a fag." "That is not acceptable." "But I didn't use my hands." "I wish there was something I could do." "Unfortunately, there isn't a company policy about this." "I'm out of here." "I have a zumba class in five minutes." "Would you like to hear your three favorite words?" "I love you?" "Nope, not those." "These." "You were r..." "You were right." "I need to learn to let joy in my life." "All the negative stuff, the fear... it's all I know." "Like, in med school, they teach you to only look for the bad parts in things." "The exceptions, not the rules." "Get back to the part where I'm right." "Why now?" "We don't have all the test results back." "That's just it." "We'll never be out of the woods." "There will always be something." "I hate that all the tough stuff a kid faces in life will be even tougher for our kid because he or she will have two dads." "So, even though it's not going to be easy," "I need to try to celebrate the wins." "Like, when we heard that heartbeat yesterday," "I don't think I have ever loved you more, because that..." "That was the sound of our family." "Just so you know, the guy whose ass I kicked at equinox was practically the size of a lumberjack." "I can't believe you got banned for life." "I know, right?" "That's kind of hot." "Mm." "Just please don't let yourself go." "Hey." "Hey, Goldie." "What are you guys doing here?" "Yeah." "I hope you guys don't mind us stopping by." "Of course, anytime." "Come on in." "Don't break out the crystal." "We're not staying long enough to catch anything." "Lovely." "Shania has something that she wants to speak to you about, and I wanted to be here to hear it." "Go ahead, honey." "Say it." "I have to give you back the baby clothes." "We agreed it's a little too..." "What was the word you wanted me to use again?" "Mature." "Whoreish." "Yeah." "Too mature for someone my age to wear to school." "But thanks, anyway." "Oh, well, you're very welcome, young lady, but I'm sorry if it caused you a little trouble." "It also got me my first heartbreak." "I'll look back on it later in life and blog about it with bittersweet melancholy." "Uh, Nana has a gift for you." "What?" "It just baby clothes." "I love buying baby clothes." "I've had a lot of practice." "With Shania and Goldie and Goldie's mom." "And now your little abomination." "Huh." "Oh, that's a surprise." "Oh... oh!" ""Please help me!"" "I actually wanted it to say, "please help me." "Call child protective services," but..." "Anywho, um, we're off to see who Nana can offend at dinner." "Have a great night." "Come on." "Uh... yeah." "Stay." "Yeah." "We ordered way too much Chinese food." "Come on, there's plenty for everyone." "Great." "You know, if you boys wanted a baby so badly, why didn't you just order up one of those pretty little unwanted" "Chinese girls for delivery?" "With six you get egg roll." "I imagine you gays have wine?" "Barrels full." "God forgive me." "Have a seat, Mrs. Forrest." "What do you want to drink?" "Um..." "What do you want?" "Can I please get some milk in a wine glass?" "Done."