"Ah, the magnificent Renaissance Duomo." "Amazing what you find tucked away in Croydon, isn't it?" "It's still not level." " The campanile was designed by Giotto, but he died before it could be completed." "Like the bloke who built my dad's garage." " Shut up, Gary." "Ah, here's a group of us outside another magnificent building." "That fat bloke's pushed his way to the front again!" "He was very knowledgeable about Bernini." "Bernini?" "Didn't he used to play for Juventus?" "You really are a yob, aren't you?" " On the contrary." "I'm remarkably sensitive." "Oh." "That must be why you referred to Luciano Pavarotti as "that fat git"." "That's the bloke who did my dad's garage again." "What's that?" " I dunno." "What is it?" "A rabbit with a knife stuck in its head." "Very funny." " Honestly, Dermot!" "You haven't even used a clean sheet for the screen." "It's just a bit of blood from a nosebleed." "I'll pick it off." "Oh, lovely!" " You should have seen the first one." "Isn't that Richard Gere?" " Right." "That's it." "I've had enough." "I'm going home." "Do we have anything in common?" " We both hate your mother." "When I showed Graham, he showed some appreciation." "Graham, if he exists, is obviously trying to toady his way into your pants." "Oh, he certainly does exist, and he doesn't sit there parading his stupidity." "Probably because he hasn't got any to parade." "Dorothy, er..." "Look, why don't we do something together this week?" "Yes." "Saturday night." " Hmm?" "We're going to "Carmen" together, remember?" "Oh, yeah." " You have got the tickets?" "Yeah." "Then, afterwards, we could come back here and, you know..." "I don't understand you, Gary." "You despise me when we're going out together, and when we start splitting up, you go all..funny." "Got any spare tickets for "Carmen"?" "I might ask our new neighbour." "Here we go." "She smiled at me this morning." "So you assume she wants to sleep with you?" "She didn't just smile, she sort of quivered." "Probably nausea." "No, I haven't got any spare tickets." "It's my treat for Dorothy." "She says I don't spend any money on her." "How much did they cost?" " Nothing." "I got them off a salesman at work." "She's probably gone to see this new bloke now." "No, she saw him last night." " That must be why she looked so knackered." "They were up late playing chess." " ls that what she told you?" "What's that supposed to mean?" " No, you're probably right, actually." "When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other." "You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of chess before you go, then rush back afterwards, have another game of chess, possibly in the shower." "Then in the morning you play with each other's pieces again, even if you've already woken up in the night and wopped your bishop out." "Then you see her bending over, and you can't resist giving her a right good chessing before she goes." "You're saying they've slept together?" " Sorry. ls that insensitive?" "If Dorothy says they were playing chess, they were." "It's a noble game, the sport of..." " Non-stop shaggers." "Anyway, you can't even play chess." "I play with George at work." " Let's have a game, then." "Now?" "Er, no, I can't." "I've got to clean my watch." "Oh, right." " I can beat you." "Let's play, then, with a bet to make it more interesting." "All right." "Anything you like." " All right." "Your tickets for "Carmen"." " Fine." "It's a bet, then." "Fine." "Sorry, if I Lose, you get my tickets to "Carmen"?" "Yep." "We'll play on Friday." "Fine." " Fine." "Fine." " Fine." "Marjorie and I went to the garden centre at the weekend and bought a Lawnmower." "Here's a picture of it." "Look." "It's lovely, George." "You suggested that I photograph everything I buy in case it gets stolen." "There's a privet bush we bought." "There's some packets of seeds..." " Whoa." "Not just now, George." "I've got a lot on my mind, all right?" ""Bluff Your Way In Cheese."" "Chess, George." "I haven't got time to worry about cheese." "Why are you reading about chess?" " The Kasparovs are coming on Saturday, and I don't want the conversation to sag." "ls that consumption or are you after my attention?" "Swabey Engineering want to know if we're going to market their handcuffs." "Yes." "And your friend Dorothy rang to check that you've hired your dinner jacket for the opera." "Ah." "Are you taking calls now or still chairing an international conference?" "Still chairing, Anthea." "George, you have to help me." "I promised Dermot I can beat him at chess by Friday." "You can't hurry chess." "I started a postal game with a pen-friend in Hong Kong." "We were just warming up for six years." "Who won?" " We're still playing, actually." "I've just put his queen under pressure." "Mind you, that was in 1985." "Hello." "Deborah." "You're looking stunning." " Thank you." "Your hair, clothes, everything." "Thank you." " Eyes, face..." "Absolutely stunning." "What are you...?" " Love your slug." "I'm sorry?" " Your slug." "It's wonderful." "It's a lizard, actually." " Brilliant." "Absolutely brilliant." "So, what are you doing here?" " just looking at myself." "How about yourself?" " Trying to find something nice for my fiat." "You're looking stunning." "Actually, I really like this bookcase." "Yes, it's a marvellous piece of furniture." "They've even made room for things like books and... mugs...anything you like, really." "Brilliant." " Do you think you have to order it?" "I don't know." "Let's ask someone." " Mr Povey?" "When you've finished, this lady has a question about cushion care." "Sorry, I don't care about cushions." "Try that shop." "I didn't know you worked here." " No, a lot of people don't." "I'm glad I bumped into you." "I've got us tickets to see "Carmen"." "You don't know if I like opera." "You'll love it." "It's the one where they roll cigars on their thighs." "I know which one it is." "Well, if I go, I insist on paying." "No, no." "You can pay next time." "You do know I have a boyfriend?" "I could only get two tickets." "No." "He works in Singapore." " Good!" "I hope you're not trying to chat me up." " No, no." "I'm just being neighbourly." " Thanks, then." "Is your boyfriend going to be away long?" "I must get back to Marjorie." "We always watch "News At Ten" together in bed." "Can't she watch it on her own?" " We like to say the bongs together." "Marjorie'll worry that I've got a lady-friend." "Well, you ooze sexuality, George." "Do you think so?" "I think one woman's enough." "It's like having two houses - you're always worried about the other one." "Have you ever suggested marriage to Dorothy?" "Yeah, but she hasn't liked any of the men I've come up with." "Actually, things aren't going at all well, George." "I'm in danger of being chucked." "But you're always complaining about her." "I complain about the weather." "It doesn't mean I don't want any." "If I lose these tickets, that's it." "She'll understand if you tell her the truth." "She'll never believe me." "I'll have to say I've given them to a charity for little children." "No, sick Little children." "Orphans." "Sick Little orphans." "I think I'm bloated with all that coffee." "I think you'd be more comfortable if you weren't wearing Anthea's spare coat." "Wait a minute." "My horse is going to jump on your vicar." "You still have a lot to Learn, don't you?" "Checkmate." "Don't go, George." "I need more practice." "If I set off now, I'll catch Marjorie before she takes her plate out." "I didn't want to use force, George." "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" " What makes you think that?" "Why have I got the Albanian flag?" " It was reduced." "Don't worry about me, sunshine." "George has been teaching me." " I wondered where you'd been." "I thought you'd moved out until saw your banana toothpaste was still in the bathroom." "I've asked Deborah out." "What happened?" " She said yes." "You've asked her to "Carmen", haven't you?" " Yes." "What?" " Have you heard the term "fool's mate"?" "Yeah, it's when the king gets blocked by the...queen and he loses straight away." "Checkmate!" "What a triumph for Albania!" "I'll give you 50 quid." "Rubbish." "They cost 200." " I'll give you my two best suits." "They wouldn't fit me, stumpy." "What am I gonna do?" " You should have thought about that before?" ""Align the A arrow with the B arrow," ""taking care not to overstress the dowel pins."" "OK, dowel pins, just relax, OK." "Chill out." "How's it going in there?" "I'm just aligning the A arrow with the B arrow." "It was kind of you to offer to help." " I've done a few of these in my time." "Does it always take two hours to get this far?" "That's pretty standard." "A lot of people rush and end up overstressing their dowel pins." "How's the welding going in there?" " I've finished." "What time does the opera start tomorrow?" "Ah, no." "Afraid I've got a bit of bad news." "I had my wallet stolen." " Oh, no!" "How?" " Oh, the usual thing." "The snatch, the desperate chase through crowded streets, all very boring." "That's awful." " Anyway, the thief got the tickets." "Were they very expensive?" " I'm not worried about the £200." "I just wanted us to have a good time." " Don't worry." "We can do something else." "Yeah, I've had one or two ideas..." "It's Gary from downstairs." "Ah, hello, Deborah." " Hi." "Gary from downstairs." " Yes." "I heard you banging about, happened to have my overalls on, thought I'd see if I can lend a hand." "Well, I'm OK." "Dermot might need a hand." "You've been ironing creases in them!" "You told her your bad news?" " Yep." "What excuse did you use?" " It's all settled." "Don't tell me." "You had your wallet stolen." "Haven't you got something explosive you could be playing with?" "You sure you don't need a hand?" "No, it's fine." "I think we're nearly there." "You didn't mind me choosing the video?" " No, you deserve it." "Anyway, I haven't seen a cartoon for ages." "Shall we watch it up in your flat?" " Why?" "It's cosier up there." " Dermot, we're just friends." "We don't have to be cosy." "Gary and Dorothy aren't getting on well I don't want to be here when they get back." "Sounds like they're back." "Well, that was quite an evening." "Have you been to a fancy-dress party?" "Yes." "I went as the man who arrives at the opera with forged tickets and has a fight." "Gary asked the box-office manager to step outside." "Then you had to get in the way." "Gary, she was a 60-year-old woman with a bad hip." "Oh!" "You poor old thing. £500 wasted." "Still, at least you tried to do something for me." "£500, eh?" "That's inflation for you." "The police came." " They managed to get tickets, did they?" "Oi." "I've had about enough of you." "Does the Liberace estate know you're wearing one of his costumes?" "They ran out of black tuxedos, Dermot!" "Gary, it doesn't matter about "Carmen"." "We can see it another time." "That's funny." "We were supposed to see "Carmen"." "Let's go." "My salami surprise is getting cold." "No, no." "Don't rush off." "Why didn't you go?" "Dermot said somebody had stolen our tickets." "One thing to learn about Dermot is he's a liar, a womaniser and he doesn't like the opera." "That's three things." " I've told him before, he can't arrange bogus evenings because he wants to go to bed with people." "Dermot, you are a sad Little man." "Well, he didn't mention my good points." " Are you always like this with women?" "No, no." "It's just..." "I can't afford to buy you fancy evenings." "Don't listen!" "He's a proven liar!" " Don't, Gary." "He's upset." "Sorry, Deborah." "I've let you down." "I've let myself down." "I guess, in a way, I've let lovers down everywhere." "That is the most transparent bullshit I've ever heard." "How do you mean?" " Well, we're going to loosen some clothing." "No, don't go yet." "Dorothy, ask Gary how much he actually paid for those tickets." "Gary?" " Urn..." "How much did I pay?" "In money terms?" " No, in jumping beans." "What do you think?" "I think it was somewhere in the region of...ooh..." "You didn't pay for them, did you?" " Not exactly." "In the business community..." "I don't want a miniseries. just tell me." "This bit is brilliant." "Our photocopier salesman exchanged them for two rolls of barbed wire." "Surprisingly expensive, good barbed wire." "How cheap can you get?" "You pretend you've spent some money on me..." "You like thinking it's expensive." "You watched me put this rubbish in my hair!" " It's a statement." "A royal gala, you said. "We'll probably run into the Yorks in the queue for Cornettos."" "We saw Lionel Blair in the foyer..." "possibly." "I'm going." " I'll give you your bus fare." "Thank you." "I'll call for a car." "Thanks for the evening." " It was nothing." "I know." "Oh, pooh!" "That'll be my car." " No, don't go." "Let's play chess." "I've Learned, you see." "Only because you're so jealous of Graham." "I'm not." "I've changed." "I've been looking at those slides." "Fascinating architecture in Rome." "Florence." " Florence." "Fascinating." "It's too late." "Oh, Graham." " Hello, Dorothy." "This is Gary." " Graham?" "Hello, Graham." " Hello, Gary." "Very nice to meet you." "We've all been having some wine." "Can I offer you a glass of urine?" "No, thank you." " People don't like a nose that big, but I think it breaks up an otherwise dull face." "Want to stay and watch this?" " No, we ought to be going." "Oh, well." "Bye-bye, Graham." "Sorry you couldn't stay." "Bye, Graham." "Must have a game of chess sometime." "Sorry." "I don't play chess." "What?" " I don't play chess." "Oh, you don't play chess." " No." "You don't play chess?" "!" "How dare you not play chess..." "with my Dorothy?" "!" "Sorry." " Get out, the pair of you!" "Is he always like this?" "Get off to your poxy hospital and don't play chess together!" "Get out!" "Never mind, eh?" "We can have a game of chess if you want."