"Hey, Will." "Wanted to tell you something, but we forgot." "Okay." "Thanks for coming." "No, wait." "Was it about his hair?" "Yes, you already told me that my hair looks like that chocolate topping that hardens when you put it on ice cream." "It totally does." "Our business here is done." "Wait." "I know what it was..." "Trans am." "Right." "My Trans Am's been acting up again." "I gotta take it into the shop." "It's lurching and sputtering and making weird noises." "Sounds like me when I try to dance." "Will." "Love yourself, man." "You need to follow me to the garage." "Craig, you need to bring the booty mug." "The booty mug?" "You still use that thing?" "'Course." "Gives me street cred with guys who do manly jobs." "The pipes are corroded." "It's gonna cost you 1,000 bucks." "1,000?" "You sure about that, chief?" "You seem like a pretty good guy." "I can probably do it for $200." "All right." "I'm gonna go look at some "playboys."" "Call me when you're done." "You got it." "There isn't anything that mug can't do." "Kenny, you should just work on your car yourself." "There's nothing like the satisfaction of fixing something with your own hands." "Will, you know I have no mechanical skills." "My only true skills are lick-bathing myself like a cat and shake-drying myself like a dog." "One time I walked in on you taking a bath belly-down like a seal." "Keeps my butt-tocks cool. so..." "I've got news." "Grant and I are thinking of moving in together." "Really?" "Well, that is great." "I got to say, this is the healthiest relationship that you have ever had." "But first I want to provoke him into having a big, ugly fight." "There's the girl I know." "It's just, we've never fought, and I want to know what that's like before I commit." "Well, that makes sense, Theresa says, not meaning it, but trying to be supportive." "When I was with Kenny, fighting was the worst thing about our marriage..." "That, and sleeping with him was like being steamrolled by a bag of elbows." "Well, good luck getting grant to fight." "It'd be easier to get a rainbow to flip you off." "I know." "The man has no buttons to push." "This one, however, is all buttons." "Hey, Kenny." "Shmermi." "Shmermi?" "What the hell does that mean?" "You're relentless!" "You guys ready to go?" "Shut up, bro." "Didn't mean that." "That was the booty mug talkin'." "Since you're following me to the mechanic's, you should know that something clear and sticky is spewing out of the Trans Am's tailpipe." "It is outrageously flammable, so keep your distance." "I don't know why you keep that piece of junk, Kenny." "I still think dad only gave it to you as punishment for quitting football." "I didn't quit football." "I was thrown off the team for crying, and that car's just a little quirky." "No, it's a giant quirk that's a little car-y." "I worked on it with dad when we were kids, Kenny." "I should know." "Let it die already." "It's just showing its age." "Who here among us hasn't, at some point in their lives, spewed a clear, flammable liquid?" "My God." "Am I the only one?" "Compression's out of whack, rings are shot, timing belt needs replacing." "I'm gonna nod like I understand, but I have no idea what you're talking about." "All right, try this... $5,000." "Craig?" "Booty?" "Do something." "You sure about that number, big dog?" "You seem like a good guy." "Can't help you with the money, but I'd love to go bowling with you sometime." "No!" "Kenny, come here." "We can totally fix your Trans Am ourselves." "I have tons of car tools..." "Lifts, gauges, uh, one of those wrenches, uh, what's it called?" "Goes..." "You're not inspiring confidence." "Ratchet." "Yes, they're filthy animals, but how does that help us?" "Kenny, I fix stuff around the house all the time." "Come on." "We can totally do this." "Okay, Will." "I will fix this car with you." "Tiny little baby lips." "I'm sorry." "There was a lot of fumes in the Trans Am on the way over." "Yeah, looks like what we've got here is some of those steel-belted sons of bitches?" "Hey." "Nice mug." "No." "It's just an ironic anti-objectification..." "No, seriously, I love it." "It's funny." "It's great to see a guy who's not afraid to be a guy." "I'm Becky." "I'm Craig." "So tell me about yourself." "Wait, I'm not interested..." "Because I'm a guy." "I'm taking out the recycling." "I'll do it." "It's my house." "But, Brenda, that's recycling." "Yeah, but I've been thinking, who really cares about the planet?" "As long as it holds up till I'm dead, screw the next generation." "So grant cleans when he gets mad?" "I know." "Isn't that weird?" "He's handsome, charming, and now this." "If you tell me that nagging makes him horny," "I'm gonna kill you." "The guy's even ironing my sheets." "I feel like the pope." "For some reason, I've always imagined that the pope has a hot black guy that irons his sheets." "So what happened to finding out if you should move in together?" "Yeah, I'm putting that on the back burner, which, by the way, is very clean." "Uncle Kenny and daddy are arguing in the garage." "They said I could have ice cream if I didn't tell you the bad words they said." "Chocolate, please." "How can you mix up my car parts with pieces of your lawn mower?" "!" "I just put a few pieces in the wrong pile, okay?" "I know what I'm doing, Kenny." "Who's the one who got the master cylinder out?" "We didn't need to take the master cylinder out!" "Yeah?" "Well, then, how were we supposed to get to the screwdriver that I dropped?" "!" "Yeah, this looks about right." "Boys, why don't you consider this the autopsy and just get rid of the body?" "I can fix this." "I'm the one who figured out how to get our hands unstuck from the air conditioner vent, wasn't I?" "We're stuck." "Does anybody even know we're here?" "I knew this is how death would find me." "That wasn't exactly a challenge." "We just had to calm down and unclench our fists." "I'm serious, Will." "This already feels like one of those projects that you start and never gets done, like Lucy's swing set." "Lucy doesn't have a swing set." "She only has a bag of bolts and chains and swings she plays with next to her lumber pile." "Damn it, Will." "Hey, hey." "I'm gonna finish that." "Theresa just gets impatient." "She doesn't understand that sometimes a guy needs a little break to come up with a plan." "I don't want this thing in my garage forever." "If it's still here in a week," "I'm gonna take care of it myself." "Honestly, Kenny, you should just let it die a dignified death, like we didn't do with grandma." "This car is nothing like grandma." "It doesn't spit or slap or say racist things." "But if you don't put it back together," "I'm-a do all that, you lazy, lily-white snow devil." "So I went on my date with Becky, the tow truck driver, and I wore that belt buckle my uncle Roger gave me that just says, "balls."" "I never understood that buckle." "It needs a verb or something." "Real men don't use verbs." "So..." "I problem Becky." "You me advice." "You need to use verbs." "Fine." "Becky's great..." "Pretty, firm handshake, conversationally vulgar..." "Everything you'd want in a woman." "The thing is..." "She's a sexist." "She has a problem with men?" "No, not with men." "Stupid woman driver." "Most women should be banned from the road." "And look at her cry." "Crybaby." "What are you, on your period?" "!" "Okay." "Here's my advice." "Dump her." "I need different advice." "Then put up with her." "I can't, Will." "Sexism goes against everything I believe." "People who ascribe stereotypical traits to a group of other people are all the same, and they should be rounded up and treated as inferior." "Maybe you should talk to her." "Tell her it bothers you." "I want to, but how does a guy wearing a testicle-referencing belt buckle talk about his feelings?" "I trouble." "Hey!" "I need my car, Will." "What are you wearing?" "Shorts." "I've been riding my bike to go do my rounds because some idiot took apart my car and won't put it back together again!" "I'm figuring it out." "I went online to do some research, but I didn't find anything helpful." "But I did see this really funny video of this fat kid on a roller coaster." "You will fix this car, Will." "You will, Will." "The question is, can he?" "What?" "No, I'm saying, "can he?"" "What?" ""Can he" fix the car?" "I'm not gonna fix it." "He took it apart." "He should do it." "Who, Will?" "He will!" "I know!" "He, Will." "You, Kenny." "I, Craig." "See, this is how real men talk." "Hi, Will." "What's the matter?" "Does it upset you when someone takes apart your car and doesn't put it back together?" "Weird." "So that's what we're gonna do?" "Well, remember, I'm the one with all the tools!" "Except the biggest tool of all..." "You!" "Mr. Patterson." "Whales are stupid and they take up too much room in the ocean." "These get washed on gentle." "It's just you." "You almost triggered my flight-or-curl-up-into-a-ball response." "I hope you don't mind I let myself in." "Brenda figured out I clean when I get angry, and she's been taking advantage of that." "I don't want her to benefit from her extremely effective sneak-ery." "So why don't you just talk to her about your feelings?" "Isn't that what you hippies do?" "I'm worried if I talk to her about it, I'll get angry, and that'll make me clean, and around and around we'll go." "Then why don't you make her angry so she sees how it feels?" "That's the only language that tiny sack of evil understands." "Okay." "How do I make her angry?" "Well, when we were married," "I discovered a few things that piss her off." "Accidentally throwing up on her while she's sleeping on the plane, accidentally throwing up on her while trying to get an eyelash out of her eye, accidentally throwing up on..." "If possible, I'd love to get out of the whole upchuck arena." "Well, she does hate being scared." "I once jumped out of a pile of laundry." "She got so mad..." "It made me throw up on her." "Scare her?" "Like, "boo!"?" "Not quite." "Let me get a beer, and we'll work on it." "Boo." "That was better?" "What the hell?" "I meant to tell you, will stopped by earlier and disassembled your refrigerator." "And you just let him?" "I don't know what sort of arrangement you fellas have." "And that's why I gave up cage fighting." "I love fighting, of course." "I just hate being caged in." "My brothers love fighting, too." "You should fight them sometime." "Yeah." "She didn't add the check right." "Big surprise..." "A woman who can't do math." "You know, Becky, you say a lot of negative things about women." "Yeah." "Now let's go home and get those pants off you, dummy." "Okay." "Now." "Okay." "I'm gonna tear you up." "I'm in." "Kenny." "Sorry, Will." "My money's on Kenny." "So Becky and I went out last night, and she was God-awful, but I didn't say anything because my wiener wanted to have a sexy adventure." "Anyway, I figure it's not wrong for me to keep seeing Becky as long as I counterbalance her sexist behavior." "So whenever I'm not with her," "I'm gonna be extra, extra, super-duper supportive of women." "I started this morning." "Let me..." "I'm sorry, I was about to treat you like an incapable woman, but instead, I will celebrate your powerful female ability." "You go, girl." "You can do it." "You can do it." "You can do it." "Lift that water." "You go, girl." "You do it." "You can lift that water." "Lift that water." "I'm still fine-tuning the concept." "What you're doing is crazy." "Yeah, well, from the looks of your desk, you certainly know crazy." "In fact, you're a barmaid sitting on crazy's lap, and crazy is drunk, trying to unbutton your blouse, and you're not doing anything to stop him." "How am I supposed to answer that?" "One second." "Hi, Will." "Sorry we missed you." "It's the screws from your desk." "We're taking a personal day." " Boop." " Well, hey, guys." "I just got a text from Theresa." "You only have four days to fix my car before she gets rid of it." "My God." "What happened to your desk?" "I would have been done fixing your car by now if you hadn't distracted me by acting all crazy." "You know crazy." "And once crazy gets your blouse unbuttoned, he takes you out to a field by the train tracks, lays you down on a dog blanket." "You just keep staring up at that moon, hoping one day you'll get out of this town and prove your daddy wrong, because you're a dancer, damn it..." "That's it." "I'm outta here." "What's his problem?" "I have no idea." "Not my favorite suit." "No!" "I hope revenge suits you, William j." "Keen." "I'm just saying, that car's taking up room in the garage," "I can smell it in the house, and I need it out of here." "Well, I'm not gonna fix it now." "Your brother's being too big a jerk." "Will, would you come here a minute?" "I know you don't want to back down for some stupid man reason, but can you please fix my brother's car, preferably tonight so I can pee without crouching like an ancient roman?" "I can't fix his car." "You were right about me." "I don't finish things." "I jus..." "I get overwhelmed and I give up." "If I really picked apart my personality," "I'd have to say..." "Forget it." "Well, I'm giving up on the toilet, too, and that's sad, since it's been the site of some of my greatest victories." "Look, maybe you just need to pick one thing and follow through on it, just to show yourself you can do it..." "Not fixing the toilet, because the stakes are too high, but this did all start with Kenny's car." "You're right." "I need to see something through to the end." "And I'm gonna get started on that right now." "It's happening!" "Global warming!" "It's you." "What are you doing in my sleeping quarters?" "I'm taking apart your bed." "I'm not gonna quit this, Kenny." "I need to prove to myself that I can finish something, and that thing is this ridiculous war with you." "Why don't you just finish putting my car back together, you butt-piston?" "Because I have no mechanical abilities whatsoever." "Then why did you take it apart in the first place?" "!" "Because I have no reasoning abilities whatsoever." "So I'm gonna disassemble your life piece by piece until there's nothing left but a pile of beard hair and silly t-shirts." "I've never seen you this way before." "You're so determined." "Such man-like qualities." "It's like you have a booty mug..." "Inside your soul." "Okay." "Clearly, you want this more than I do." "You win." "I'm gonna figure out another way to fix my car." "Really?" "Yeah." "I saw something through to the end?" "Yes!" "Take that, crazy!" "You were wrong about me." "I am a dancer." "You go, Will!" "Live your dreams for the rest of us!" "You maniac." "Wait!" "What are you doing?" "!" "I'm sorry, Kenny." "Time's up." "I know you have a lot of memories with this car, but it's time to let it go, sweetie." "Okay, get this piece of crap outta here." "No!" "Not Trans Am-mie!" "You can't tow it if I'm sitting in it!" "God." "Hey!" "Ow!" "Son of a..." "O" "Hang on!" "So do we have six more weeks of winter, or what?" "Ha." "That's very funny." "Let me out." "Not until you do to this car what we're pretty sure that disgruntled nurse did to grandma." "Fine." "I'll reach the latch myself." "I choose to stay here for now." "Okay." "I don't understand why you hate this car so much, Theresa." "Because it's a jerk." "It's not a jerk." "I should know what it is, Kenny." "I was the one who spent a summer working on it with dad, rebuilding the engine, replacing the gears in the differential." "I think I see what's going on here." "You're upset..." "About... somethin'." "I'm upset because after all of that work, dad gave you the car instead of me, and it should have been mine." "Dad was not a great dad, Theresa." "When I was 10, I caught a frog, I wanted to keep it as a pet, and he wanted to eat its legs." "Guess who won?" "And they were delicious." "On my prom night, I had a pimple, and dad pointed at it in front of my date and called it "mount facemore."" "I'm sorry dad didn't give you the car, Theresa." "Why don't you take it now?" "How about this instead?" "I'll help you get it running if you let me drive it every once in a while..." "Like, when I have a cold and I can't smell anything." "Deal." "High five?" "Hello and welcome to the first "hearthstone insurance career day for girls."" "Our theme is "Craig empowers future women." Applaud." "No!" "Don't do what I say just because I'm a man." "Hey, there you are." "I was in the neighborhood." "Thought I'd see if you wanted to grab a steak or somethin'." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "I just wandered in here." "Wh..." "Mr. Griffith invited my class to hear a talk about a... career for girls." "I don't know who that is." "You're really talking to these girls about careers?" "That's a waste." "Why is it a waste?" "Well, first of all, most of you should not and will never have real jobs." "You'll just find a guy to take care of you, squirt out a couple of kids, and try and hold on to your looks." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Becky, I'm sorry, but your views about women are absolutely horrible." "I thought I could get over it because we had fantastic..." "Playtime together." "I mean, really good, creative stuff." "But the bottom line is I think women can be whatever they want." "Like a doctor or a lawyer or..." "What do you want to be, sweetheart?" "A unicorn!" "And you will be." "You see, Becky?" "I'm a feminist, and while I wish she had said something like "astronaut" instead of a made-up creature," "I think that these girls can do whatever they put their minds to." "I don't believe this." "Your booty mug is a liar." "And to think I almost let you fight my four brothers," "Mikey, Tommy, Danny, and Steve." "Four of 'em?" "This is a good man!" "Let's parade him around on our shoulders!" "I don't think that's a good I..." "Actually, you know what?" "What am I saying?" "If you can dream it, you can do it, ladies!" "Hoist away!" "Boo!" "So much for my nine years of karate." "My God." "Why did you scare me?" "I was trying to teach you a lesson about what it feels like to be emotionally toyed with." "I did not anticipate it ending in a stabbing." "Frankly, I'm surprised about that, too." "The truth is..." "I'm scared about moving in together." "Maybe we should talk." "Good idea." "I'll start." "Sometimes it's important to let go of things so you can move on." "Will had to let go of wanting to be the kind of guy who could fix things." "For Theresa, it was letting go of her anger toward her dad." "For Brenda and grant, it was letting go of their fears so they could take the plunge and move in together." "But while it's important to let things go, it's also important to realize that some things are worth holding on to." "Why are you telling us all this?" "Seriously, who are these people?" "They're my friends, and I wanted you to hear what they learned so you realize that you, too, can let go of anything that keeps you from your dreams." "This is boring." "I thought coming to an insurance company would be fun." "Frankly, Tess, with an attitude like that, you'll never be a unicorn." "Anyway, I learned to let go of something, too." "Good-bye, booty mug."