"Oh, thank you." "Can I get you anything else?" "No, I'm fine." "Thanks." "Cheers." "Just a waste of time." "'You still there?" "'" "Yep." "She's half an hour late." "'You sure she's not there?" "'" "No, Monica." "No, she's fucking blown me off." "'Out." "She's blown you out, David." "Learn to talk.'" "Whatever." "Anyway, I'm going to go home." "'Give her another 15 minutes." "Maybe she..." "You know... 'had to take a dump at the last moment.'" "What?" "'I always get like that if I'm stressed." "'I should allow more crapping time when I'm hurrying.'" "Monica." "What are you talking about?" "'Anyway." "What's her name?" "'" "Celeste." "'That's not good." "Who the fuck is called Celeste?" "'" "Monica, seriously, I..." "Jesus." "There you go then, just absolutely pointless." "I don't know what I'm doing here." "Hi." "Sorry, erm..." "Are you called Celeste?" "No." "You just look like the person that I'm meeting." "But she's supposed to be in red." "Yeah, I can see, you know." "It's strange cos, you, er, you do look like her photograph." "Or maybe she's a bit younger, don't know." "I'm really sorry I can't help." "Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry." "Hopefully." "Fuck's sake." "It..." "It is you." "Yeah." "I, erm..." "I decided not to do this." "Oh, oh." "OK." "No offence." "No, none taken, Celeste." "It's fine." "What?" "Do you always do that?" "Come in disguise." "You know, I've been sat here waiting like a div." "Yeah, well, there's a lot of tossers out there." "OK." "Well, I guess you nailed me." "No." "OK, I didn't mean you." "Cheers, thank you very much." "It's fine." "Just don't wear the tie with the jeans." "It makes you look like a Belgian." "Ha..." "I'm not sorry." "No, no." "You don't look that sorry." "You're just not my thing." "OK." "OK." "It's just different here in the flesh, isn't it?" "It's different." "I don't know." "I suppose." "I've never done this before." "Oh?" "Yep, this is my first time." "Oh, OK, so you just thought I would be your friendly teacher in your journey through love or something?" "I mean, how long have you been signed up?" "About six months." "Wow." "Anyway it doesn't really matter, Celeste." "As it goes, I don't like people who are late." "Late?" "Late." "Yeah." "And now you've just blown me off." "I'm sorry, what?" "Nice meeting you." "OK?" "I'm just going to sit and have some dinner, read my book, and probably have a starter now an' all." "Excuse me." "Hiya, erm..." "Hiya." "Oh, hi." "You've arrived." "Can I get you a drink or anything?" "No." "It's fine." "She's going." "But, erm, can I order?" "Is that all right?" "Yep." "That's fine." "So I can take you through some starters." "We don't have that." "Bye." "You don't have what?" "Sorry?" "We don't have this." "OK, so, this is what we've got." "Unfortunately we've run out of that and that." "You see, the scallops?" "Are they fresh?" "Yep, they are." "We've got them." "I could do that for you." "Right." "Erm..." "Thanks." "Yeah, scallops would be good." "'Did you leave?" "'" "Yeah." "He's wearing a tie with jeans." "'Oh, fuck." "Get out of there.'" "'Hey.'" "'Hey, Mimi.'" "Yeah?" "'Do you want to come over to mine and have takeaway?" "'Do you want naans or not?" "'" "'Mimi?" "'" "Not." "'Mimi what...'" "God." "I saw that." "That was fucking cheeky, actually." "What?" "I'm standing right outside, watching you bond with Teen Pussy Dream over there." "I was chatting." "Ripping the shit out of me?" "Yeah." "Yeah, pretty much." "Yeah." "Well, I don't appreciate that." "Well, we're not actually having this date, are we?" "Because, you know, I'm..." "I'm not your thing so... 17." "And that's pushing it." "You've got a real winning way with the ladies, don't you?" "I'm just trying not to feel like a twat." "Is that OK?" "Well, maybe I'll stay for a bit." "Did I invite you to stay?" "You want me to." "Why?" "Men like to be on dates with me." "They're grateful mostly." "Grateful." "Are you always this horrible?" "It's just..." "It's just tonight." "I can't be bothered." "David, right?" "Yes, it is." "I'm tired and it's all bullshit anyway." "So don't put yourself through it, Celeste." "Right?" "You're excused." "I've got scallops coming." "Everything's..." "Everything's good." "You should go on a couple of dates, David." "OK." "Learn the ropes." "I tell you what, you give me your routine." "I'll give you mine." "Maybe we'll bore each other's brains out." "Or maybe we'll be so outraged by each other that we'll end up fucking like rabbits afterwards to teach each other a lesson." "Never even know our real names." "I know it's your first time." "Hats off to you, mate." "Good luck." "You're not called Celeste?" "Oh, come..." "Nobody's actually called Celeste." "Here you go." "Oh, thank you." "I'll have, erm..." "Double vodka cranberry and the lamb." "Not too pink." "And tell your boss that he shouldn't employ underage girls unless he can afford to buy them clothes." "Well, I'm 19, so that...." "Yeah, well." "Whatever." "Like I said." "Not too pink." "Yeah, mm-hmm." "Brilliant." "Thanks." "Thank you." "You know, David is my actual name." "Well done." "Yeah." "And now you're going to tell me you're an actual lawyer." "No." "No, I'm, er..." "No, no, I'm not a lawyer." "But that's what everyone wants and I just thought that we could probably get round to..." "To...what?" "I thought we could get round to what I did..." "Well, then don't get so high and mighty, David." "Doesn't suit you." "OK." "Mia." "Je m'appelle Mia." "Nice to meet you." "I'm David." "David." "You could have got away with vet, you know." "Hey?" "The whole craggy Northern thing?" "I can really imagine you elbow deep in a horse's arse." "See, this, is exactly what I expected." "Exact..." "See..." "See, this is London, you know?" "Women here are just..." "What?" "Nothing, they're..." "What?" "A bit of a nightmare." "A nightmare." "Well, I'm your worst dream, first timer." "The only way is up." "Ah." "Beer, urgh." "Where are you going?" "I'm just going to go for a pee?" "Is that all right?" "You're not going to do a runner on me now, David, are you?" "Now that I've invested some time in you." "Men run out on you?" "It has been known to happen." "You know, you're really pretty." "I just think you probably piss people off." "So my dad says I don't have to serve you if you're still rude." "Keep your tits on." "I'm a bitch." "Keep the change." "Peace." "OK..." "Oi." "Would you give him one?" "What, you mean, apart from the fact that he's, like, super old?" "Yeah, Lolita, apart from that." "Yeah." "Why not?" "Got you." "It's rude to watch girls eating." "Is it?" "Mmm-hmm." "In London maybe." "You see up North, we're right fucking rude." "Yeah, yeah." "We'll watch a girl doing anything." "Yeah, eating, sleeping... having a dump." "We call it foreplay." "You're funny." "Yeah." "I can be." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I'm a lorry driver." "That's what I do." "Oh..." "And what kind of..." "What kind of lorries do you drive?" "Red lorries, yellow lorries..." "And, erm, and where do you drive these, these, er, red and yellow lorries to?" "Bulgaria mainly." "Mmm, Bulgaria." "How interesting!" "Am I starting to take you by surprise, Mia?" "No." "You're all lorry drivers up there in the North, aren't you?" "Mainly, yes." "Apart from Cheshire." "It's all holding midfielders, and chlamydia and Maseratis." "You know what a holding midfielder is?" "That's pretty cool." "Oh, footballers I've fucked?" "I could write the fucking book." "What footballers?" "Oh." "There was that, um... ..Wayne Bridge incident." "You banged Wayne Bridge?" "Do you know what?" "It's none of my business." "I wasn't actually listening." "He'd played with Wayne Bridge." "When he was 14." "Oh." "And I only found out when I was fucking him in the back of his Toyota and um..." "I was just shouting his name, saying, "Oh, Wayne!" "Oh, Wayne!" ""Put it there, Wayne!"" "Silly cow." "The car should have been a clue." "Yeah, when you're drunk, everything looks like a Porsche." "Even a lorry." "Come on." "Tell me what you do?" "It's the least interesting thing about me." "You haven't told me anything about you." "Not really." "Have you?" "Big deal." "You drive lorries, you're looking for love." "I like to fuck, I'm..." "looking for love." "So does everyone get this?" "This?" "This." "Yeah." "You know you don't have to bang me, you know." "I'm not that bothered because we're having a nice dinner and we don't hate each other." "Seems like some kind of result when I think about the rest of my life." "So?" "So!" "Just..." "Just tell me something that's meaningful, something..." "Not clever shit or..." "Just something." "Something that matters." "Come on, something." "You first and then we'll see." "Depending on how riveting your life is." "Riveting, yeah." "It's not that." "OK." "Erm..." "I got married very young, as it goes." "You know how it is." "Well, actually I don't." "We tend to wait for puberty down here." "Anyway..." "Anyway, anyway." "Erm, Tabitha and I, we, er..." "This, girl, Tabitha, erm..." "We were together from..." "From what?" "14?" "We went to school together in Ripley up in Yorkshire." "We got a bit older, you know, we started going out and, you know, to clubs, having sex and..." "Yeah, everything was...." "You know, it didn't even seem that much of a big deal when I asked her to marry me." "It didn't." "I mean, she was 17, I was almost 17 and...." "You know, it seemed all right, it seemed good." "Cos, you know, I was into her and...." "Yeah, I couldn't believe my luck basically." "This girl Tabitha." "All she had to do was wiggle her nose, right?" "Why do you say that?" "Oh, come on." "Tabitha the..." "The witch from the telly." "Do you want to hear this or not?" "I don't mind if..." "Sure." "No, no, no." "Sure." "No, sure." "Tabitha, underage sex, Yorkshire." "Go." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, anyway, erm..." "So she wanted to move out of the town because everyone fucking knows everybody, it is what it is." "The depot was in Peterborough, so that's where we went." "Yeah." "Got a little house and stuff." "And eventually Tab got a job as, like, a teaching assistant you know, so it was easier to work it around with the kids..." "Whoa." "OK, wait." "You just jumped a couple of steps." "How many kids do you have?" "Oh!" "Four." "Four girls." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'll show you some pictures." "Oh, no, it's OK." "Fuck." "What?" "Just the four then?" "Just the four kids." "Sorry!" "It's..." "What?" "It's..." "You just..." "You should just go easy on that information." "Well, you know what?" "I kind of don't give a fuck, so..." "Anything else I should know?" "I don't know." "See, I think you are too clever for the world and it's hard being this beautiful and one step ahead of everyone all the time." "I think it wears you out." "Because most people, but men especially, we kind of lie to you and you can see straight through it." "It's just a bit shit that you don't let people see who you really are." "How's that?" "Well, aren't you the clever boy?" "I'm just making conversation." "Anyway." "Shall we get the bill?" "It's just my sister's baby-sitting and she's a bit of a moody old fucker." "I don't like to leave her too long." "Yeah." "Can I have the bill?" "Cheers." "David?" "Yeah?" "You did like me, a bit?" "Yeah." "I mean, everyone likes me at first but..." "Mia." "I like you." "Well, that's good." "I mean, I've totally fucking screwed this up, I know that." "Screwed it, it's just..." "I just say things, you know, sometimes." "Nah, it's the tie." "Lose the tie, honestly." "I fucking hate it, I don't even know why I wore it." "Yeah, burn it." "Burn it." "Yeah." "Can I tell you something?" "What?" "You are going to meet a lot of really stupid women in the next couple of months." "Just lie more." "It's easier." "No." "I'm not great at lying." "Yeah." "You're not." "You're not great at it." "Well, you better not be faking all this integrity." "Well, does it matter?" "Possibly." "Here you go." "Was everything OK?" "Oh, yeah, yes." "It was great." "Thank you very much." "Here you go..." "Er...you can keep the change." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, no it's fine." "No, you've been great." "Thank you." "Oh, thank you." "No problem at all." "So..." " So you, you've got to get home to the kids then?" " Yep." " And baby-sitter and..." " Yeah." "Yeah." "One last question though, yeah." "Go on." "What did sexy witchy bitchy love goddess Tabitha do to you that was so bad?" "Er..." "She died, mainly." "Yeah." "Oh, no, right, I..." "I should've, should have thought... should've thought of that." "It's OK." " No, I should have thought." "Fuck." " No, it's all right." "It's fine." "It's fine." "No, it's..." "listen, she just, she got meningitis." "That's it." "Oh..." "Oh, fuck!" "Yeah, sorry, you...you wouldn't normally get me this stupid." " I'm just, this dress is..." " It's OK." "..is too tight and the, the shoes are new and it's making me edgy..." "Actually, I'm edgy all the time." "Nothing I can do about that." "Here, look, listen." "I can tell you about it, I can, it's just..." "It'll have to be another time." "OK?" "Right." "Well, erm..." "I'm going to... ..I'm going to go to the bathroom." "Why don't you order some... some creme brulee and some coffee, and..." "I'll think of something?" "What?" "Well, something to tell you." "You've got to work it out?" "Well...there's a fair amount of shit...choice of debacles." "Just give me a minute." "I've had a good time." "Cool." "Fucking shut up." "Shut up." "Shut up." "What?" "She left quite a while ago, actually." "Oh." "Oh..." "Sorry." "No, it's..." "Bugger!" "Oh, fuck!" "Oh...naff off." "Mia, come on." "Come on, that's not fair." "David, I'm, I'm not up for this." "We were getting on, though." "We were getting on fine." "No." "I've really got to go, so..." "No, OK, OK, but listen," "I think, I think we had something going on it there." "Yeah, well, we didn't." "What?" "You say that to me." "Say it to me." "Turn around and you say it to me." "Say it to my face." "Say what?" "There was nothing going on." " David, you don't even understand." " Say it!" "You have no idea." "Say it!" "Bad idea." "Bad, bad." "Fuck's sake!" "Jesus." "You've not got a fucking clue what you want, have you?" "Not a fucking clue." "Well, don't get too clever about it cos it's not attractive, right?" "Where to, love?" "Shad Thames, please." "Fucking nightmare." "Fuck you." "Everyone makes mistakes..." "Is this mine?"