"This is the New York Times." "Okay, may I see the comics ?" "I thought you were taking Ross to the game." " We are." "He's meeting us here." " No, Rachel's meeting us here !" "Come on !" "They can be in the same room." " You should've been there last night." " What happened now ?" "Ross was hanging out at our place." "Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturizer from Chandler..." "How hard is it to say "something" ?" "Rachel came over to borrow "something."" "Anyway, her and Ross just started yelling at each other." "Why was he yelling at her ?" "He's the one who slept with someone else." "He says they were on a break when it happened so she should've forgiven him by now." "He is so unreasonable !" "God !" "Although, I think I understand what he means." "Oh, my God !" "This is like 60 Minutes." "At first, you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug." "And then, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow." "You know what this is like ?" "It's like when my parents got divorced." "Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts." "I dreamed that Ross and Rachel were still together." "They never broke up." " We were all hanging out and happy." " I had the same dream." " And nobody slept with the Xerox girl." " Oh, I had the opposite dream." "Maybe it's gonna be okay." "I mean, it's been a week." "It never takes me more than a week to get over a relationship." "It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship." "Let's go !" "Let's hit the road." "Let's get the show on it." "Let me get coffee." "I know the best coffeehouse." "And it's so close." " Closer than here ?" " Oh, look !" "I found coffee !" "Okay, let's skedaddle." "Pheebs, I'm not gonna drink somebody's old coffee." "Okay, Your Highness." ""Rachel, I'm really sorry." "Okay, Ross." "Wanna get back together ?"" ""Yeah, okay."" "Did anyone else hear that ?" "The One Without the Ski Trip" " Is he here ?" " No." "Here's your moisturizer." "You guys are gonna love me !" "Okay, check it out." "Thursday night, five tickets." "Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me." "I said that out loud, right ?" "Yes, it's just that we kind of already made plans with Ross." "Well, okay." "Well, there you go." "He got this new home-theater dealie, and he wants us to check it out." "He's really excited about it too." "He even recorded showtimes on his answering machine." " We're sorry, honey." " It's okay." "Rach, it's not that we don't want to." "Really." "Are we talking models in their underwear ?" "And heels." "Ross did ask us first, and we set that night aside." "Come on." "If he asked you first, it's only fair." " Boy, do I feel bad !" " Oh, yeah." "Very bad." " Chandler, what are you doing ?" " Chandler !" " Oh, my God !" " You're smoking again ?" "Well, actually, yesterday, I was smoking again." "Today, I'm smoking still." "Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum ?" "This is just like my parents' divorce which is when I first started smoking." "Weren't you 9 ?" "Yeah." "I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime..." "That's great." "With my luck, that's him." "Him ?" "Ross ?" "No, Hymn 253:" ""His Eyes Are on the Sparrow."" "When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism." "Hi." "Do you guys have weekend plans ?" "Because my sister says we can spend the weekend at her cabin, skiing." "I'm asking you first, right ?" "I'm playing by the rules." "Absolutely." "Chandler !" "You're smoking ?" "What are you doing ?" "Shut up !" "You're not my real mom !" "Could you close that window ?" "My nipples could cut glass over here." "Wait, really ?" "Because mine get me out of tickets." "Look, I just wanna say I really appreciate you spending time with me." "It's been a pretty hard time right now, so I just wanna say thanks." "Can somebody else hug him ?" "I have to stay by the window." "Hey, how about this weekend, we have a laser-disc marathon, okay ?" "And maybe a tournament on my new dartboard ?" "What do you think ?" "Two days of darts !" "Lt'll be great !" " It'll be great for next weekend." " No, this weekend, guys." "It'll be great for next weekend." "I mean, "lt'll be great."" "What's going on ?" "We're sort of invited to go skiing." "You know, Rachel's sister's cabin ?" "So, for the whole weekend ?" "We're really sorry, but she did ask us first." "That's okay." "If you all have to go away for the first weekend I'm alone by myself then I totally, totally understand." "I can stay." "I'm gonna stay." "The last time I went skiing I was afraid to jump off the chair lift." "I just went round and round." "We need you to drive us there in your grandmother's cab." " But you know what ?" "I'll stay." " No, I'll stay." "He's my brother." "What, a "pity stay" ?" "We're gonna have fun !" "We can make fudge." ""Pity food" ?" "You know what ?" "I don't need any of you to stay." "Nobody stays." "Well, then, I might as well offer to stay." " Does anybody else feel bad about Ross ?" " You think he's still mad at us ?" "He's probably more mad since you called him to borrow his goggles." "What ?" "Mine aren't tinted." " Chandler !" " What ?" "What does the sign say ?" ""Beam me up, Jesus."" "The "No smoking" sign." "There's no smoking in my grandmother's cab." "Well, then, I have to go to the bathroom." "Oh, please !" "No unscheduled stops." "You can go when we stop for gas." "There's a rest stop right up there." "Come on, I really have to go !" "Oh, now I have to go !" "[UNCUT] Is that all that it takes ?" "[UNCUT] Sometimes just a small breeze..." "Here we go." " Brace yourself !" " What ?" " Aren't you gonna go ?" " No, thanks." "Rachel never pees in public restrooms." "They never have any paper in there." "So my rule is, "No tissue, no tushy."" "Well, if everybody's going..." " Don't close it !" "The keys are in there !" " Oh, no, no, no !" " What's going on ?" " My lighter's in there !" "Damn !" "The tailpipe's not hot enough to light this." "Relax." "I can open this." "Anybody got a coat hanger ?" "Oh, I do." "No, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning." "So if your parents hadn't divorced you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person ?" "Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it." "One of you give me your bra underwire." "What ?" "!" "Come on !" "Who has the biggest boobs ?" "Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra and wire." " No !" " It's too expensive !" "To get back in the car, we need that wire." "Your call." "Okay." "Monica's are the biggest." "These tiny little non-breasts ?" "Please !" "Gotta be Rachel." "What ?" "No, mine are deceptively small." "I mean, I actually sometimes stuff my bra." "Well, then, your bra would still be big." "No, I stuff outside the bra." "Ladies, let's just compromise, okay ?" "Phoebe, Rachel, take off Monica's bra." "All right, forget it, never mind." " You can have mine." " Thank you." "Chandler, what are you doing ?" "There is a trash can right there." "I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us." "Okay." "There." "Wow." "Thank you, Phoebe." "That is very generous." "[UNCUT] Wow." "This is nice." "Were you planning on meeting somebody up there ?" "Okay." "Now let's decide who has the nicest ass." "And there you go !" "Chandler." "Well, at least let me smoke it to the good part !" "Okay." "Oh, no." " What ?" " What ?" "What's going on ?" "Yeah, this has happened before." " So you know how to fix it ?" " Yep." "Put more gas in." "Hi." "What are you doing here ?" "I was wondering, when you and I split up did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M.A.S. H and half the hostages coming home ?" "Yeah, but now it's Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home." " Where's Ben ?" " He's sleeping." " Is this a bad time ?" " Yeah, actually." "Susan's gonna be here any minute." "It's kind of an anniversary." "I thought you guys got married in January." " Different kind of anniversary." " Oh." "Oh." "So anyway..." "Candles, champagne." "Yeah, anniversaries are great because love lasts forever, you know ?" "Nothing like it in this lifetime." "Money in the bank." "So Rachel and I broke up." " God, Ross, I am so sorry." " Yeah." "You know what ?" "I wanna talk about this so much when we can really get into it." "You free for dinner tomorrow ?" " Yeah." "I'd love that." " Me too." "I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job." " Okay." "Yeah." "Triple-A can pick us up." " Good." " What town are we near ?" " Fremont." " Westmont." "Westberg ?" " Okay." "Why are you answering ?" " Do you know what route we're on ?" " We are definitely on Route 27." "Okay." "We are at a rest stop on Route 27." "Okay." "There is no Route 27." " Okay." "Either 93 or 76." " I don't know." "I'm sorry." "I always slept in the back when we drove here." "Can you just send someone up and down 76 and check every rest stop ?" "And also 93 ?" "Okay." "Yeah." "No, they don't do that." "Okay." "Somebody will come and save us." "Who ?" "Have you seen a car in the last hour and a half ?" "We should call Ross." " He can get a car to pick us up." " No !" "I am not getting in a car with Ross !" "We will just have to live here." " But it's cold." " I'm not getting in a car with him." " Think of something else." " Good." "Joey and Chandler are back !" " So the "going for help" went well ?" " Yeah." "Smokey Joe here got halfway to the highway and collapsed." "I have the lung capacity of a 2-year-old." " Then why are you smoking ?" " Well, it's very unsettling." "Right ?" "I mean, it's pretty unbelievable." "I mean, they just took off, without even looking back." "You know, I don't need them." "I've got you guys now as friends, you and Susan." "Susan will be so pleased." "Seven-one-seven ?" "Where's 717 ?" " You have more for Susan, right ?" " No, but that's okay." "I'll just put out pickles or something." " Ross, thank God !" " Pheebs ?" "Why are you whispering ?" "I ate a bug." "Hey, Rach !" "The tampons here are only a penny." "Let's stock up." "We ran out of gas and don't know where we are, so we can't get a tow truck." "Now you want a favor ?" "Yes, please." "I'm sorry your car broke down, Pheebs but I'm busy with some real friends right now." "Please call to let me know you got home safely." "Hang on a second." "Take my car." "Go pick up your friends." "No, I won't pick them up." "We both know you'll do it because you're not a jerk." "So you can sulk here, then go pick them up, or save time and sulk in the car." " Rachel doesn't..." " I'm sorry Rachel dumped you for Mark and you're innocent." "But don't punish your friends for what Rachel did to you." "Yeah, you're right." "Phoebe, hang on." "Ross wants to tell you something." "What ?" "You slept with someone else ?" "We were on a break !" "Okay ?" "We were..." "We were..." "Yeah." "Where are you ?" "I'll find you." " You slept with another woman ?" " Oh, you're one to talk." "Okay, done." "What's "pleh" ?" "That's "help" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air." "What's "dufus" spelled backwards ?" "Car !" "Car !" "Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives !" " Hey !" " Hey !" " What is he doing here ?" " He is saving your butt." "Unless I'm stepping on some toes, in which case I could just mosey on." "I've got plenty of people to help on the interstate." " We need your help, please !" " Fine !" "Fine !" " Hey." " Hey." "Oh, no !" "Now it's not gonna make any sense." "You guys, what do we do about Ross ?" "He drove all the way up here." "Just send him back, and we're gonna go skiing ?" "This is horrible." "It's just horrible." "You think we should ask Ross to come along ?" "What about Rachel ?" "How are we gonna even ask her ?" "Ask me what ?" "If it might be okay if Ross came skiing ?" " No, I wasn't gonna ask that." " I wasn't." "You guys are unbelievable." "No, he cannot come !" " Excuse me ?" " It's horrible !" "Oh, please ?" "Can't I come to your special, magical cabin ?" "Why would you even want to come ?" "You're a horrible skier." "Hitting me where it hurts !" "My ski skills !" " Here we go again." " I can't handle this." "I can handle it." ""Handle" is my middle name." "Actually, it's the middle part of my first name." " All right, Pheebs, your cab's ready." " All right." "Let's go." " You're welcome." " I'm sorry." "Were you speaking to me, or sleeping with someone else ?" "We were on a break !" "Why don't you just put that on your answering machine ?" "It's valid, and I'm not the only one who thinks so." "Monica agrees with me." " What ?" " I don't know." " You said it last night." " What I said was that I understood." " Joey is the one who agreed with you." " Okay." "Really, Joey ?" "What ?" "You know what ?" "There is no right or wrong here." " I think it's obvious who's wrong here." " Obviously not to Joey." "What ?" " Joey and Monica feel the way I do !" " You and this "innocent puppy" act !" "Guess who I am ?" "All right." "You know what ?" "I can't even..." "Hey, hey, hey, hey !" "Look what you're doing to Chandler !" "Look." "We know that this is really, really hard for you guys." "You know..." "You don't have to love each other." "You don't even have to like each other much right now." "But please, find a way to be around each other." "And not put us in the middle." "Yeah." "I mean, otherwise, that's just it for us hanging out together." "You know ?" "Is that what you want ?" "Can you be civil ?" " Yeah." " I can." "Good." "Let's get back in the car." "It's freezing, and my chest is unsupported." "Wait a second !" "I mean, what are we doing ?" "Who's going with who ?" "Look, you guys should go." "No." "You know, you planned this all out, and I don't wanna ruin it." "So you should just go." " You drove all the way up here." " I've got to take the car back anyway." "I'm spending all day tomorrow with Ben." "It's fine, okay ?" "Just go." "No guilt." "I promise." "Thank you." "We'll call you when we get back." "Maybe we can, like, go to a movie or something." "Or the rodeo !" " That would be great." " Okay." "I was being Shelley Winters from The Poseidon Adventure." "I know." "Bye !" " Ross." " Hi." "Sorry I'm late." " Were you sleeping ?" " No." "Oh, great, because..." "I had to get you a new battery." "I got the best I could." " That's not where you wanna skimp." " You're a genius." "It came to about $ 112." "But what the hell ?" "Just call it an even 110 ?" "Okay." "I'll pay you tomorrow, Ross." "Bye !" "So they all took off." "It was pretty hard watching them go, you know ?" "Yeah, okay." "Bye." "So I'm gonna take off, then."