" Yeah!" " Fantastic!" "Whoo!" "I want you to play that at my funeral just to prove that it's never too late to start something new." "I also..." "I have a list." "There's a caterer that will do the spread for the two-day viewing." " Great, can we be done now?" " Almost." "I don't know what to do about dad." "Fuck dad." "It's like an automated response with you." "Fuck, yeah." "Asshole." " I need to call him." " Fuck him!" "We haven't talked to him since we went to his house last year and told him off." "I mean, he doesn't even know I'm sick." "He's not even an asshole." "He's the whole ass." "Okay, just stop." "Stop!" "Adam, I don't want you talking like that when I'm gone." "Whoa." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "You want me to call him for you, honey?" "No." "I should do it." "Not like I'm his favorite guy anyway." "I could call him if you want." "No, it's okay, Adam." "It's just... it's a shame you don't have a relationship with your grandpa." "Yeah, it's a real shame you don't get to hang around with this really mean guy we know." "What if we never see him again?" " Fuck him." " Okay, I got to go." "Where are you going?" "I'm going to hang out with Lydia and Jeff and some friends." " Where?" " Uh, Jeff's house." "We're gonna play some video games, you know, smoke some pot, do some blow, maybe some speedballs, and then go for a drive, so..." "Well, then do you think maybe you could squeeze some homework in between speedball and the joyride?" "Uh... yeah, I will." " I love you." " Bye." " See you, dad." " See you, Sean." " See you." " Buddy." "Why is he always rushing out of here?" "Maybe it's because you're talking about your funeral like it's a grocery list." "It was a little cavalier." "Well, you know how much I love crossing things off a list." "Oh, I get it." "God, I so get it." "You're active." "You're doing something." "That's what keeps you from totally losing it." "You know, I'm doing all these tests right now for the transplant." "And it feels so good to be actively moving towards a goal." "I'm thinking about what I can give next... bone marrow, blood, for sure." "You know, I might even get my tonsils out." "Not to donate, but I don't really need them." "Yeah, see?" "That's how I feel." "There you are." "Here I am." "Nice pocket square." "You know, Andrea, my first week here, I looked around the classroom." "I studied everybody's first sketches, and I made some snap judgments." "And how did I do?" "Well, I thought you were gonna be my big attitude problem who thought she was God's gift to design." "I envisioned us in a big fashion fight... feathers flying, beads thrown, words said that can't be taken back." "We can still do that." "But you surprised me." "You amused me." "You took my breath away." " Are you gonna propose to me?" " Yes, I am." "I propose that you come to New York this summer and intern for me." "I'll pay you just enough to put you in a bug-infested apartment the size of a closet." "You'll be living the dream." "That is my dream." "Oh, my God!" "That's my dream!" " Yay!" " Yay." "I know what it is." " It's an "s."" " Mm-hmm." "Ha." "Damn it." "I wish there was a way I could check on you guys." "Let's make a signal." "If your electric toothbrush goes off when you're not using it," " it's just me saying hi." " Okay." "But what if that really freaks me out?" "♪ Knock, knock" "Hi, Cathy." "Paul." "Hello." "I have some information" "I wanted to share with you." "Would now be a good time for a chat?" "Have a seat." "So, your insurance covers four months of on-site hospice care." "And next Friday, you will have been with us exactly four months." "So, we need to make a plan." "A plan for what?" "Where you're going to go." "What do you mean where am I gonna go?" "I don't want to go anywhere." "Do we just have the worst insurance ever?" "Actually, this is very standard." "And your insurance does cover home hospice care, which would start as soon as you get home." "And that would include a hospice nurse coming in to check on you several hours a day." "Okay, what if we wanted to stay here?" "How much would it cost to pay out of pocket?" "Well, unfortunately, we are an insurance-based hospice, so we can only provide care through your plan." " You don't take cash?" " Mm-mm." "Who doesn't take cash?" "I mean, look, we... we know you have room here." "I mean, that bed's been empty for months." "You know what?" "It's okay, Cath." "It's actually great." "I get to take my bride home again." "Actually, I thought you might be excited about going home." "I'm excited." "I'll get you all set up, honey." "You can curl up with your own blanket." "We had a woman here a few months ago who begged to go home just to sit in her favorite rocker on her sun-porch." "And her husband said that that is where she passed with a smile on her face." "If I wanted to sit on my frickin' sun-porch," "I would never have come here." "But I did come here, because I don't want our son to associate our house with the place where his mother died." ""Oh, that's the room she fell down in." "That's the room where she finally passed."" "I came here to die." "Well, you have until Friday." "He said that I inspire him." "I'm not surprised." "You inspire me." "I figured at first that he was, like, creating some new big-gal line, but it's regular skinny clothes." "Are you winking at me?" "I'm sorry." "It helps me focus." "Go on." "And this is really cool." "We both get good news on the same day." "I get a job, and you're going home." "Yep." "What do you mean I'm shellfish?" "I like seeing you guys on my rounds." "Oh, my God." "It's like a joke." "A priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim dude..." "No, an imam." " All walk into a bar." " A hospice." "Andrea, would you ask them to come over here?" "Where do you think we go when we die?" "It's the question I'm most often asked, second only to, "how long is the service?"" "I get that one too." "Catholic thought is that you go to heaven, where believers enjoy the presence of God and the freedom from suffering and sin." "That sounds nice." "All right, rabbi, what you got?" "Well, the torah does not discuss an afterlife." "We focus on olam ha ze... this world... the here and now." "Well, my "here and now" is about to get up and go." "So, can you give me something to get excited about?" "Well, there is a famous midrash that describes souls in the afterlife at a huge banquet table, sharing delicious food." " That's better." " I like Jewish food." "Oh, same here." "Our paradise, Jannah, is pretty nice." "You get to wear fancy robes, and you can recline on couches." "I might be Muslim." "But the sick and the dying have to wait their turn to go." "It's a big tease." "The essence of faith is surrendering to God's will." "And his timing." "I take great comfort in knowing that my life and death is no more important than others." "But if I have to stay here and wait for God to decide when he's ready to let me go, why does it have to be so painful?" "Your illness is not just to test you, but to test the charity of others." "Have you seen generosity and kindness in the people around you?" "Well, we believe that beauty and the knowledge of that goodness is Allah." "We believe it's God." "We're not sure." "Oh, lord Jesus Christ, most merciful lord of earth, we ask that you receive this child into your arms, that she may pass in safety from this crisis." "As thou hast told us with infinite compassion, let not your heart be troubled." "Ye believe in God, believe also in me." "How you doing, Adam?" "I'm tired." "You look tired." "All my friends are partying because they're almost out of school, and I'm still taking tests." "Well, you dug your own hole." "Now jump in." "I'm ready." "I don't want it to get any more painful... not for me, but more importantly for my family." "I apologize if I didn't have enough faith in my life or the right kind of faith." "But right now..." "I believe in you." "I believe you can help me." "Now I lay me down to sleep." "I pray the lord my soul to keep." "If I should die before I wake... that'd be good." "God damn it." "Not only did you think that you could get everyone and everything under control before you died, but you actually thought that you could control when you died?" "Well, not just me." "I thought I could invoke a little divine help." "Yeah, but isn't having faith largely defined by surrendering control?" "I have surrendered control." "I need someone to help me go to the bathroom." "I've completely given up trying to look cute." "I'm reconciling the fact that my dad and I will never be close." "And I won't get to see Adam graduate from high school." "Yeah, but you're also afraid that your death might screw up Adam." "That's not the same as trusting in a higher plan for a greater good." "I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better." " Not necessarily." " Hmm." "Then you're doing great." "Why, thank you." "So, if I sign something saying I'm willing to meet the person that I'm donating my kidney to and they sign something saying they're willing to meet me, then it doesn't have to be anonymous." "And guess what." "We both signed." "I'm meeting him." "His name is Ray." "You don't even seem nervous." "No, no." "I'm over that part now." "Hey, you know how you hear these stories that sometimes donors and donees become lifelong friends?" "Well, maybe now that he'll have a little piece of me in him, maybe he'll become like a brother." " You know?" " Sean..." "Now, I know that I've judged you for not being typical, but you do amazing things." "You help people, which is why you're the person I'm asking to help me now." "With what?" "I'm ready to go." "Uh, where?" "On my adventure to the great beyond." "And if I don't die naturally in here by Friday," "I have to die in the house in front of Adam, and I don't want to do that." "And most importantly," "I want to do this last hurrah with you." "But I'm relying on your amazing ability not to judge." "And I love you, which is why... my dying wish is that... you help me die." "Y... you are a fucking crazy lady!" "Hey." "Hey, crazy lady, what did you just do with my sister?" "Did you eat her?" "If I looked in your mouth right now, would Cathy be down there screaming," ""hey, this crazy bitch just gobbled me up, but I'm totally sane, and I'm down here"?" "Just keep it down, Sean." "I'm not gonna help you kill yourself, Cath." "What do you think vegan kidney donors do, huh?" "We save lives, not destroy them." " I just want to..." " What?" "Participate in my own death, acknowledge it, accept it." "It's not like I'm cutting my life short." "I know my time is up." "You don't know that." "You could have ten days, or you could have six months." "I can't walk, Sean." "My vision is so messed up." "I'm terrified of going blind and hearing your voice and not being able to see your face." "The pain medication they give me... it doesn't take it all away anymore." "And I'm hurting all the time now, Sean." "Now, look, I might be weak-minded, or maybe I'm just not framing this right, but I want to go... now." "Well, why me?" "Huh?" "Why not... why not Paul?" "You're supposed to be partners with him in sickness and in health." "Paul definitely wouldn't get it." "I'm worried he's not gonna honor the DNR I signed." "Well, I don't get it either." "Okay." "That's fine." "Her birthday is in two months." "We have to plan something really meaningful, you know?" "Great idea." "Hey, everybody." " Hey, man." " Hey, Sean." "Check out this cashmere blanket I got for Cathy." "It's like sleeping with a bunny." "Yeah." "It's nice." "Who's, uh, gonna go see her tonight?" " I am." " I'm going tomorrow." "Me too." "Why?" "Is she worse?" "No." "No." "She... same." "Just... you never know, so, you know... it's good to say what you want to say." "That's all I'm saying." "What's that?" "It's just to keep track of her medications." "One of the nurses at the hospice taught me how they make their charts." "Buddy, you left off Tuesday." "Oh, shit." " It won't come off." " Why not?" "It's permanent marker." "Damn it, Adam." "What the hell?" "I just reached into the drawer." "I didn't think about it." "Yeah, well, you should've thought about it." " It's not a big deal, is it?" " Oh, I don't know." "Is it a big deal if she doesn't get the right pills?" "You know what?" "Let's just skip Tuesday." "Who cares, right?" "I mean, if she doesn't get her pain medication on time and I'm in the garage and I can't hear her scream, who cares, right?" "Yeah, you're right." "Fuck it." "No big deal." "W... whoa, Paul." "I mean, why are we even trying to make this place look nice?" "I know." "Let's let her drag herself up the stairs, and if she falls down..." "Oh, God!" "It's okay, buddy." "It's okay." "It's okay." "It's okay." "I'm scared." "I know." "She doesn't want to come home, you know." "Can I tell you something?" "And I hate myself for this." "I don't want her to come home either." "If you still want to do this thing," "I'll help you." "Once you have the plastic tubing and the plastic hood, you need 2 helium tanks for 50 party balloons, uh, which you can rent or buy." "If I rent them, you have to return them." "The first tank should kill you." "But the second tank is just in case something goes wrong." "God almighty, how do you sleep at night?" "Really well." "I could hardly sleep at all when my wife was in the final stages of lymphoma and begged me not to let her die in the hospital." "W-we found this group, and they told us about some options." "And then we found a sympathetic doctor who gave us some drugs that I mixed..." "I mean, that she mixed into her coffee." "And her final words were, "thank you, love."" "The hood... doesn't seem very discreet." "And... and then Adam would know." "Is there anything less dramatic?" "Well, some people take as much morphine as they can and then have someone else place a bag over their head when they've fallen asleep and then dispose of the bag after." "No!" "Whoa." "I am not suffocating my own sister." "Remember at camp?" "You loved to hold me underwater." "Oh, my God, Cathy." "Don't say that." "I was trying to torture you, not kill you." "So, how do we get in touch with one of these sympathetic doctors?" "We're not allowed to give out names." "Too bad you don't live in Oregon." "Yeah, that's one of a few things" "I feel bad about right now." "It's a lot to take in." "Here's my card." "If you have any questions or want to talk some more, just give me a call." "Hey, totally great and weird to meet you." "All right." "Look, I have got to go now and meet my kidney brother Ray." "And we'll talk more about this when I get back, okay?" "Oh, hey." "Don't go to the party store before I come back." "Mr. Tolke, this is Ray Milson." "Uh, Sean." "Sean." "Call me Sean." "This is my wife Janelle." "Can I just give you a hug?" "If you don't mind, I'm going to take care of a few things, and let you all get acquainted." "Well, I really appreciate what you're doing, Sean." "Oh, it's my pleasure, Ray." "Um, this has been a really good experience for me." "My sister's dying." "So, being able to focus on something positive like kidney surgery..." "it's been just great." "I'm so sorry to hear that." "If there's anything you or your family need, we'd love to help you out in any way we can." "That's very nice of you, but we're okay." "Thanks." "We're just so grateful to you." " We brought you a gift." " It's sort of a thank-you." "No matter what happens, the fact that you're willing to do this for a stranger means the world." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I don't want that." "I... it's just a token." "I don't value material goods." "Well, they say once you go Rolex, you never go back." "Are you trying to buy my kidney with a watch?" "Absolutely not." "It's just a thank-you." "No, "thank you" is just a thank-you." "That's a watch, the cash value of which could go to pay somebody's health care who will die of their kidney disease without ever being able to go to the doctor to find out what's killing them." "We didn't mean to insult you." "If you don't want the watch..." "You insulted humanity." "You know, you're the reason I, just this minute, decided to go live back on the streets." " You're homeless?" " No, I am a freegan." "I am occasionally homeless by choice." "Well, all homeless people are homeless by choice." "What the Rolex is that supposed to mean?" "There are plenty of people who don't take proper advantage of opportunity." "Holy fuck, Ray." "If your head's that far up your ass, you should be able to kiss your kidney good-bye on its way out." "Guess what." "I got Wesley to cough up the name of a Kevorkian-type doctor in Oregon." "They are so civilized there." "If you are terminal, they..." "they write you a prescription, you drink a little drink, you go to sleep." "Wow." "Sounds great." "And that wonderful doctor is going to give me that drink." "But he won't put it in the mail." "So, I need you, please." "You need to get to Oregon." "You need to show him my scans and bring back the goods." "It'll give you plenty of time before your surgery on Monday." "It doesn't matter, 'cause I'm..." "I'm not doing the surgery anymore." "So, uh, where am I supposed to go to meet your doctor feel-no-more?" "Why aren't you doing the surgery?" "Just found out my kidney brother, Ray, is a fucking elitist bigot." "So, I'm just going to let him die, go to Oregon, get the stuff to come back and kill you." "As a pacifist, I'm gonna have a lot blood on my hands, but it feels right." "Sean, you can't let this man die." "No, no, it's okay." "He's completely crazy." "He doesn't believe in homeless people." "Look, you don't know." "I mean, maybe there's a lot of good things that Ray does." "I doubt it." "He might give to an animal charity." "Look, even if he isn't generous, maybe your act of generosity will change him." "You'll be giving him years to have the opportunity to change." "I..." "Even if he doesn't, maybe there are other people who love Ray, warts and all, very much." "You'd be giving them at least the opportunity to have more holidays with him, to feel that love before it turns to heartache." "I can't do both, not by Friday." "I'm supposed to have another round of blood work." "And they asked me not to travel to avoid any last-minute disease." " Oh." " See?" "Let me do this." "It's more important you die than he live." "No, it isn't." "My life or my death are no more important than anyone else's." "W... what are you gonna do, then?" "I've been having this real... push-pull thing with God lately and the reason for his or her timing." "You know, I've never really died before, so maybe I just need to play the whole thing out." "Take it as it comes." "What?" "What's wrong?" "A pacifist with blood on his hands." "I..." "I mean..." "I never even killed a spider before." "And here I was, ready to take two people out." "Your home hospice nurse is coming this afternoon." "I think her name is Ina." "It's "ee-na." I talked to her on the phone." "Oh, yeah?" "Is she nice?" " Yeah, she sounded awesome." " She's supposed to be terrific." "You're going home 'cause you're a fighter." "Hmm?" "'Cause you told your cancer that you're gonna fight till the end." "That's why you get to go home." "They didn't expect you to live for four more months, but you did." "And now you could be one of those stories where you leave hospice, and you live for years and get cured and beat this thing for good."