"(running footsteps, panting)" "Oh." " Oh, hey!" " Hey." "Wow, look at you." "Oh." "Thanks." " Oh, I'm running late." " Oh," " Uh, go, go." "Okay." " Yeah, okay, right." "(panting)" "Oh, not again." "Kristen, you got to stop these secret ninja food drops." "We need to talk before things get weird weirder." "(moans) Oh, my dear sweet Lord." "The natural wool fibers provide an aggressive yet forgiving exfoliation without any of the painful afterburn of some of your cheaper synthetics." "(moans) Oh, yeah." "Oh..." "That's disgusting." "You rub your ass on everything, and I want it to stop." "Ryan, my anal glands need to be expressed." "It's my constitutional right." "Freedom of expression." "Oh, Mexican today... she's mixing it up a little." "She must be worried sick about me." "You think she's doing this because she cares?" "This is a guilt burrito." "And they put onions in it." "Son of a bitch!" "I do feel guilty." "I mean, Kristen was just trying to be a good sister, and I told her to get out of my life." "But she just wants what's best for me." "Then she should accept you as you are." "Kirsten's always busting balls." "Does she ever try just licking them?" "How am I gonna get her to stop this?" "You know how Jenna stopped me from chewing on her panties?" "She didn't." "Know why?" "She never caught me in the act." "You got to catch Kristen in the act." "(slurps)" "(sighs):" "Ah..." "RYAN:" "How are we supposed to spot Kristen with all this smoke?" "Use the wipers." "That's better." "(groans) This is ridiculous." "Don't open that door!" "What's the point of having a bake-out if we don't get properly baked?" "(groans)" "(squirting) Aah!" "What the...?" "Not the floor mat." "I'm trying to change your behavior." "I caught you in the act." "Ryan..." "I've been doing this for years." "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." "That's pretty good;" "I just came up with that." "You should write that down." "No." "Aah...!" "Why?" "!" " Why?" " KRISTEN:" "Aah!" "Shit!" " Kristen!" " Kristen!" "(quietly):" "Oh, God..." "What the hell is your guitar doing on the steps?" " I don't know." " Oh, yeah, I found your guitar in the basement..." "I left it on the steps." " Is it broken?" " No, I think it's just out of tune." "(groans) (plucks string)" "(sighs)" "I don't take generic." "This is a switch, huh?" "Back when we were kids, you gave me the boo-boo medicine." "I gave you boo-boo medicine not too long ago and you abused it." "Remember?" "You're right." "I messed up." "But I'm feeling better." "In fact, my life is great." "(laughs) Dog-sitting is not a career, Ryan." "Is this how you're, you're gonna spend the rest of your life?" "(winces, sighs)" "God, I have to work at the hospital all day tomorrow, I can't drive, and my stupid husband is off golfing in Vegas." "(sighs) Leo's so boring, he probably is golfing." "I'd be happy to drive you." "Thank you, Ryan, but if I am not there on time to catch the baby," "I don't get paid." "Look, I know I've been a little unreliable, but, come on, give me a chance to prove I've changed." "(electric guitar playing in distance)" "Did you hear that?" "Yeah." "You sound very sincere." "No, I mean..." "I'll be right back." "(rock guitar solo playing)" "You're late." "If this band's gonna make it, we need to show a bit more dedication." " We have a band?" " Yeah." "All's we gotta do is lay down a demo, shop it around to the labels and then start giggling." "We're gonna go big-time, baby." "I'm talking six fingers!" "And it all starts tomorrow." " I can't." " Why not?" " I have to help Kristen." " You're letting her get between" " you and the band..." "I can't believe this!" " Calm down!" "Yeah, that's what John Lennon said before he ran off and got nude with that Asian bitch!" " Don't be racist." " How can I be racist?" " I'm incapable of seeing color." " Wilfred, she needs me." "Oh, and I don't?" "You know how I feel about being left alone, Ryan!" "It's just a few hours." "Yeah, what am I supposed to do all by myself in a big, empty house?" "Geez, so high-maintenance." "What if something happens?" "What could happen?" "Well, I guess we'll find out." "(crackling)" "(grunts)" "(groans)" "Wow." "Look at this place." "I think this is gonna work out great." "(dogs barking) I mean, it's pretty cool, huh?" "We got an outdoor area, and..." "Look, a TV." "I'm begging you, Ryan, don't leave me in here with all these losers." "Look at the hair on this punce." "And the pug..." ""I'm so ugly, I'm cute."" "No, you are ugly." "And look at this genius, chasing his tail around in circles." "It's not going anywhere!" "What the...?" "This is my friend, Ryan." "And this must be Wilfred!" "Hi, Wilfred!" "(chuckles)" "What is he?" "Good question." "Well, he's gorgeous." "And something tells me he likes peanut butter!" "JENNA:" "Oh, God, it's his favorite!" "(laughs)" "He looks a little nervous." "Yeah." "He'll be fine." "Look... he's already made a friend." "Smoke?" "Yeah, I should quit, too." "This is better than being left alone at home all day, right?" "Yeah." "That's Ryan." "Ha!" "I never noticed that before, but you're right, it is too big for his body!" "L-O-L!" "I'll be back before lunch." "Bye, Wilfie." "Don't you guys worry, I have a gift with dogs, okay?" "(dog barking)" "Wilfred's gonna have a ball." "Right on time;" "I'm impressed." "No, actually, I'm shocked." "See?" "It's the new Ryan." "(inhales sharply)" "What's wrong?" "When you threw my crutches in back, it vibrated right into my ankle." "Sorry." "(sighs)" "Crap." "I'm out of gas." "(sighs You're kidding!" "(chuckles) Yeah, I'm kidding." "Ryan, don't tease me..." "when I get stressed, my ankle hurts." "Is that why they call it a stress fracture?" "(groans)" "(laughs)" "Laughing hurts, too." "Hey, it's Ryan." "I'm just checking in on Wilfred." "How's he doing?" "DARRYL:" "Oh, he's fitting right in." "Man, he sure does love peanut butter." "Okay." "Well, I'll be there in a half an hour." "OK." "Take care." "How was the C-section?" "(groans)" "Twins... one ugly baby two times." "Whatever, who cares?" "Where do you want to have lunch?" "Oh, I have to be somewhere." " I'm buying." " No, it's not that." "I just have to pick up Wilfred." "That dog?" "That's why you don't want to have lunch with me?" " No, I do." " No, no, I get it." " You're still angry with me about something." " I-I'm not mad." " I have no idea what." "All I've ever tried" " I just promised I'd..." " to do is keep you safe..." " Kristen, just listen to me..." "I'm just saying..." "Okay!" "Let's go to lunch!" "Ryan, keep your voice down;" "you're embarrassing me." "(music playing quietly)" "Hello?" "(door opens)" "Oh, hi." " You're late." " I'm sorry." "I had lunch with my sister, and..." " she wanted to go shopping..." " It's okay. (chuckles)" "Wilfred and I had a great time." "Didn't we, Wilfred?" "Can we go now?" "Ah-ah-ah." " Bear stays here." " Of course." "Wilfred, drop it." "Drop... it!" "What's wrong with you?" "He must be hungry." "Well, he shouldn't be." "(chuckles) Bye, Wilfred." "I never wear jackets anymore." "But she really wanted me to have it." "It's very fetching, Ryan..." "a perfect choice." "You know, Kristen's not so bad." "Once she ran out of things to criticize, we actually had a lot of fun." "I'm very happy for you, Ryan." "I'm happy for you both." "I think she's finally starting to accept me for who I am..." "Wilfred!" "(urinating)" "What are you doing!" " It's a cry for help, mate." " Is this because" "I was late picking you up at doggy day care?" "No." "Darryl didn't do anything wrong." "Who said anything about Darryl?" "I better go home." "Jenna will be wondering where I am." "She's working late." "Let's take a walk." "Hey, champ." "I have something that'll make you smile." " N-No." " What do you mean, no?" " It's peanut butter." " No." " No!" " You love it." "No, it's not right." "Now, cut the crap, Wilfred." "How long are you gonna stay mad at me?" "So I was late" " a couple hours." " Just leave me alone!" "No!" "And stop being such a baby." "It's peanut butter." " Take it." " No." "Take it." "You know you want it." "♪ ♪" "(crying quietly)" "(moaning, crying)" "DARRYL (echoing):" "He likes peanut butter." "(sobbing):" "Ryan..." "Wilfred's gonna have a ball..." "ball... ball..." "Holy shit." "(shower running, quiet sobbing)" "Wilfred?" "What are you doing in there?" "A number two." "I know that's not true." "Please, open the door." "(slurping)" "He rubbed it all over his nut sack." "Then I..." "I..." "It's okay." "I-I just don't understand... why you'd..." "why you'd do that." "You think I wanted to?" "Ryan, it was peanut butter!" "(phone ringing)" "It's Kristen." "Hey." "Hey." "I just wanted to thank you again." "You really impressed me today." " Thanks." "Look..." " So, about tomorrow." " Tomorrow?" " Yeah." "My ankle... still sprained." "I have to be at work at 9:00." "I'm sorry," "I can't help you tomorrow." "I have to stay with a friend." "A friend." "Thanks for understanding." "You are not going back to that day care." " Except to get Bear." " What?" "We have to save Bear." "Bear?" " You mean the teddy bear?" " What Darryl does to Bear is even worse." " It's a stuffed animal." " Yeah, Ryan, stuffed with pain and humiliation... and Darryl's come... a-and bits of foam, I think." "Oh, my God." "I'm such an idiot." "This is exactly what you accused Kristen of doing." "You're using guilt to manipulate me!" "What?" "Why would I do that?" "Because you're jealous..." "I chose Kristen over you, and she and I are finally getting along, so you come up with this bullshit story." "Bullshit it's bullshit!" "Darryl is a dog molesterer!" "You know, I'm starting to think you're more trouble than you're worth." "The head games, the endless need for attention, the way you constantly critique every shit I take..." "I've had enough!" "Kristen." "Hey." "Change of plans." "Yeah." "I'll see you there at 9:00." " Great." " I should've known you wouldn't believe me." "It's like you're shoving his big, hairy peanut butter ball bags in my mouth all over again!" "Go home, Wilfred." "You're not my father, and I hate you!" "I wish I'd never been born!" "So, I finally saw Tom and Cindy's new place," "(chuckles) and the verdict is not good." "I mean, there's a fine line between Beverly Hills elegance and Persian overkill." "It looks like they use" "(echoing, distorting):" "the same decorator as Saddam Hussein." "WILFRED (distorted, echoing):" "No!" "Don't leave me!" "KRISTEN:" "Ryan!" "(tires screech) Ah!" "Sorry." "What-what were you saying?" "Oh, great... my 10:00 just cancelled." "45-year-old woman decides to skip her amnio?" "She's even dumber than her kid's gonna be." "So, looks like I have a free morning." "Hey, um, you know what we should do?" " I-I don't want it too short, Kristen." " No, of course not." "Just something that looks more professional." "Not, I mean, you know... neat." "(mouthing)" "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "WILFRED (whispering):" "Ryan, you've got to help me." "How'd you get this number?" "No time to explain..." "Darryl's gone" " to get the peanut butter." " Look, I don't believe..." "He's gone to get the peanut butter, Ryan!" "(panting)" "He's trying to trick me into doing it all again." "You've got to put a stop to this." "You've got to..." "(phone beeping)" "H-Hello?" "Hello?" "Dolly wants a haircut." "Dolly isn't real." "She's real to me." "Hey, remember Sheila Caufield?" "Doesn't matter." "Uh, she runs a legal aid center downtown now, and, um, it's for poor people, so no one's gonna care if you don't try that hard." " Anyway, I was thinking..." " You were thinking you'd trick me into doing it all again." "I don't want to be a lawyer, Kristen." "I was just trying to help." " I don't need your help." " Well, excuse me, but I've been taking care of you my entire life." " What do you want me to do now, just stop?" " Yes!" "(sighs)" "Look, I don't need a mother." "I just need a sister who can accept me as I am." "Can you do that?" "I don't know." "Can't teach an old dog new tricks." "I'll try, but if I can't..." "Then I'll just have to accept you as you are." "A pain in the ass." "(laughs) I'm sorry." " Wilfred needs me." " Oh, that dog again?" "Ryan, you..." "Okay." "Go." "Go." "Yeah, I'll just take a cab." " Car's out front, Ryan." " Thank you." "Sure." "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "(distorted, echoing):" "Wilfred...?" "♪ ♪" "(Ryan honking horn)" "Come on!" "(distorted, echoing):" "Wilfred...?" "(closing door booms)" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "(distorted scrape of peanut butter lid echoes)" "(jar thuds)" "♪ ♪" "(clacking belt buckle echoes)" "♪ ♪" "♪ My nights are so long now ♪" "♪ My days drag on too♪" "♪ Wherever I go now ♪" "(chair squeaking)" "♪ I feel so blue♪" "(peanut butter squishing)" "♪ Because you don't love me ♪ (echoed chuckle)" "(slurps)" "♪ The way I still love ♪" "♪ you ♪" "(chuckles) Well, what a surprise." "I'll bet." "I'm sorry?" "Where's Wilfred?" " Ryan!" " Wilfred!" "Let's go." "Oh, um, Jenna signed him in, so she has to sign him out." " I'll just call to confirm." " No need." "Wilfred, we're leaving." " He's not your dog." " And he's not your sex toy." "He's a pain in the ass, but he's my friend." "If he's got a problem, I've got a problem." " Let's go." " Well, okay." "But you can't take Bear." "Don't even think about it!" "Are you crazy?" "That's one possibility." "Wilfred, get Bear!" "Is that a squirt gun?" "Hey!" "Aah!" "I don't even know what happened back there." "You came for me." "I knew you would." "Why do I put up with you?" "Ah, but that's the question, isn't it, mate?" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "No, cut, cut." "You're supposed to be" " playing G there." " Yeah, G. That's what I'm playing." "No, you're playing H." "There is no H." "Not in this song, there's not." "Wilfred, I did not play an H." "Bear?" "Hang on." "Is Bear even in this band?" "Why, would that be a problem?" "Well, if his only purpose is to help gang up on me, then yes." "He doesn't play any instrument that I'm aware of." "He plays a pretty good skin flute." "♪ ♪" "Let Bear play bass if he's such an expert!" "Bear is just giving constructive criticism... don't take it personally!" "Well, it doesn't get much more personal than I play bass like "a busted vagina."" "I can't work like this." "Guys!" "Bear, drop it." "Ryan... (laughs quietly) He didn't like that, did he?" "Yeah, I know, we've just got to put up with him" "(footsteps approach) until we can form a new..." "Yes, so go down to G, into the middle bit, then it's chorus, chorus, chorus." "Hi, mate." "Three, four... ♪ ♪" "Down to G, now!" "G!" "That's it." "(clicking)" "(laughing) I have you so trained." "What?" "Well, all week long I've been clicking this and giving you a treat every time you sat down." "Now I don't even have to give you a treat and you still sit down." "I have to hand it to you, Ryan, you humans do possess the superior intellect." "Well, I did go to Stanford Law School." "(bubbles burbling)" "(bubbles burbling)" "The canine ear is four times more sensitive than that dried apricot you call an ear." "As a matter of fact... right now I'm..." "I'm hearing something three or four miles away." "Glass breaking." "Footsteps." "A gun being cocked." "A man screaming." " Oh, my God, Ryan!" " What, what?" "!" "Coming from the other direction, I can..." "I can hear two Labradors going at it." " Wh-What about the man screaming?" " Shh!" "They're both female." "Should I call..." "should I call 911?" "No." "They're just experimenting." "Don't wait up."