"What a mess." "I cannot believe you exploded a dozen eggs in our microwave." "Don't worry." "I'll lick it clean like I always do." "I will thank you to keep your tongue off our appliances." "Fine." "Another arbitrary rule." "Kate, I have some very bad news." "What?" "What is it?" "I found the cat outside by the fence." "He's dead." "Lucky?" "Oh, no." "So, what's the bad news?" "That was the bad news." "Thank you for your concern." "Well, honey, what happened?" "Well, he must have died in his sleep." "Apparently, he was a lot older than the vet said he was." "I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage." "Poor Lucky." "Oh, this is gonna be so hard for Brian." "The Luckmeister is dead." "This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him or chased him." "Is the Crock-Pot still under the sink?" "Please take good care of Lucky, and let him be happy." "Tell him we miss him." "Amen." "Lynn, that was indeed beautiful." "I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed." ""And if I die before I wake chicken fry me like a steak."" "ALF." "Hey, they were his words." "[WILLIE CLEARS THROAT]" "Life is eternal and, uh, love is immortal and death is but a horizon." "[BLOWING NOSE]" "What we return to the Earth, we receive back tenfold." "Tragic." "A tragic waste." "Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?" "No." "Honey, it might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him." "Bye." "Whoa." "What a load off." "Brian, uh, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to." "There's nothing I wanna say." "Come on, Bri." "Let's go inside." "Funeral poopers." "Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?" "Well, excuse me." "But where I'm from, this is ludicrous." "It's like having a funeral for a hamburger." "Why don't you just, uh, go inside with them?" "Why?" "I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt." "Not a chance." "I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place." "Well, can I at least put something in there with him?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "Go ahead." "Just hurry up." "This was Lucky's favorite toy." "He loved the sound the little metal bell made." "He wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world." "[JINGLING]" "I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this." "[SNIFFING]" "This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti." "ALF:" "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." "Here, kitty, kitty." "Here, kitty." "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." "Come on." "I know you're out here." "Here, kitty, kitty" "[GASPS]" "What are you doing with that metal detector?" "This isn't a weed whacker?" "Well, no wonder it's taking so long." "Are you looking for this?" "No, uh" "I was looking for quarters." "Yeah." "Hind quarters." "You were looking for Lucky's body, weren't you?" "Well, yes." "I thought there should be an autopsy." "A what?" "There are still a lot of unanswered questions surrounding his death." "I've formulated a second-gun theory." "What is your problem?" "Willie, I must eat cat." "It burns in my blood." "It's the fire in my loins." "Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly why then, oh, why can't I?" "I don't wanna hear this." "Melmacians who didn't eat cat were considered sissies." "We spat on cat lovers." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "[SPITS]" "Don't spit on my shoe." "I thought a visual aid might help." "Hey, Tanner, what's going on out there?" "Hide quick." "By the way, that's Trevor's weed wacker." "Play dumb." "Hurry, Bri." "We're gonna be late for church." "I'm not hungry." "Honey, it's a shame to waste good food." "Why don't you bury it in the back yard?" "That way you'll have something out there from all the food groups." "You know, Brian, we all loved Lucky and we all miss him, but he's gone now and sometimes the best way to get over the loss of a pet is just go right out and get yourself another one." "Same as losing a wife." "The want ads here are full of people who are giving away all sorts of pets." "Giving away?" "Would that include cats, nature's perfect food?" "We're not getting a cat." "If anything, we'll get a dog." "A dog?" "Oh, like I need the competition for table scraps." " I don't want a dog." " Me either." "Not enough gristle." "Breakfast is over." "We all need some air." "Come on, Bri." " See you after church, ALF." " Yeah." "Put a good word in for me." "Not that I need it." "Don't do any more treasure hunting." "How can I?" "It's not like Lucky had any silver fillings in his teeth." " Did he?" " Goodbye, ALF." ""Free cats."" "Wonder if they deliver." "No, I can't." "Willie'll kill me." "Well, maybe if I just eat the feet, nobody'll notice." "So any last meows?" "Huh?" "No?" "Then I'll see you in a few days." "You're kind of small, aren't you?" "Well, at least you won't claw so much going down." "[MEOWS]" "Don't look at me like that." "[MEOWS]" "Oh, no." "Ugh." "What's wrong with me?" "Maybe you have an ugly brother or sister in that box." "[MEWING]" "Yeah." "Now, you're ugly enough to eat." "[LYNN LAUGHING]" "What cats?" "Where did you get these?" "Um, they came for Lucky's funeral." "They brought casseroles." "What was I gonna do, turn them away?" "All right, all right." "I called an ad in the paper." "How many did you eat?" "None." "I don't believe you, ALF." "All right, give me a bucket and a moment to myself and I'll show you." "We'll take your word for it." "It makes me sick to even think that you would eat a cat." "There will be no eating of cats in this house." "Do you hear me?" "All right." "But that rule has to apply to everybody for it to mean anything." "Hey, Tanner, you guys in?" "Maybe we can get the Ochmoneks to take them." "They'd be better off on the freeway." "Well, hi Trevor, Raquel." "Hi Kate." "Hey, Willie Raquel and I are going treasure hunting in Malibu." "You guys wanna come?" "We're gonna hang around outside Larry Hagman's house." "Last week I found a watch." "Look:" " It's lovely." " And I can wear it in the shower." "Well, as exciting as that sounds we're kind of busy." "We've gotta find a home for these kittens that were suspiciously left on our doorstep." "We'd take one, but Raquel's allergic." "She breaks out in these big red welts that drip." "Trevor, please." "Some things are private." "Then why did you pose for the cover of that medical journal?" "I was young, and I needed the money." "Aren't you gonna lose the sun soon?" "Good point." "See you later." "You know, we should spring for an electric fence." "Ready to go through with this?" "All right." "[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "Hey, hey, if you're gonna put up a struggle, who needs you?" "Gee." "Oh." "I can't do it." "That settles it." "I, Gordon Shumway, am a..." "[SPITS] ...cat lover." "Ugh." "Sorry, Ma." "KATE:" "They're right in here." "I am so ashamed, Papa." "Why can't we get a purebred Himalayan?" "They cost too much, honey." "But how am I supposed to get attached to a cheap cat?" "[CHUCKLES]" "Sorry about that." "I thought sending her to French school meant to France." "I understand." "Uh" " Well, here they are." "Please, pick one." " Oh, these are great." "Oh, I like the grey one." " A grey cat?" " Yeah." "You'll have to excuse my father." "He works with his hands." "I guess we'll, uh, take the black one here." "Good choice." "Very good choice." " There you go." " Thanks." "[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "[CHUCKLES]" "[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "Well, I'm glad to see you're not giving them away to just anybody." "ALF, what are you doing out here?" "Oh, Kate, I've discovered a horrible secret about myself." "I am a cat lover." "[SPITS]" "Hold me." "We know all about your love of cats, ALF." "That's why we just sent one home with Les Misérables." "No, I'm serious." "And what supposedly brought on this sudden change?" "Would you believe I've never seen a kitten before?" " You?" "You have never seen a kitten?" " Never." "Well, I've seen bits of them in chowder." "I just had no idea they were so cute whole." "Nice try, bub." "Now back away from them slowly." "Oh, Kate, I promise I won't harm a hair on their fuzzy wittle heads." " Have I ever lied to you?" " Yes." "Several times." "I meant today." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Which one did they take?" "Ah, I don't wanna know." "No, tell me." "No, no, no, don't tell me." "Tell me." "Stripey one." "Not Tuffy." "Oh, I can't stand this, Willie." "Every time you give away another kitten, a part of me dies." "Uh-huh." "I tell you, I'm a changed alien." "You know, there's an old saying, ALF:" ""The leopard cannot change his spots."" "Whoa, that's deep." "Back up, man, you lost me." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Oh, yeah, Lynn, there's one kitten left." "The grey one." "Heh, the runt." " Hey, I'd like to see baby pictures of you." " All right." "Well, Lynn's bringing a friend by." "They're gonna pick up the last one." "The last cat." "Oh, you can't give away the grey kitten." "He's my favorite." "Oh, I'll change my spots, Willie." "In fact, I'll endure every bad analogy you throw my way." "I can't trust you, ALF." "These cats are too much of a temptation for you." " Did I ever try to eat Lucky?" " Yes." "I meant today." "Go!" "Oh, goodbye, kitty." "Have a nice life." "I love that cat." "[SPITS]" "I gotta get a handle on that." "And another thing about having a cat is a cat won't leave you for a cheerleader named Buffy." "George and I were gonna spend the rest of our lives together." "He said I inspired him." "That since he knew me he sold more van conversions than anybody else at the showroom." "Joanie, it's been a month." "That's three weeks longer than you went with him." "But it was so right." "Didn't you think it was right, Lynn?" "Listen to me." "You are in danger of developing a very bad life pattern." "Hi, Dad." " Joanie's here to pick up the kitten." " Oh, good." "How are things, Joanie?" "I'm taking your cat." "What does that tell you?" "I guess I'll go get it." "Now I'm stuck with this lousy tattoo and it doesn't mean anything." "I told you not to rush into that." "I'll strangle him." "What's wrong, Dad?" "Uh, it seems the cat has, uh, wandered off." "It figures." "WILLIE:" "ALF." "Stay cool." "Remember, I've been here the whole time." "Where is that cat?" "Why are you asking me?" "I've been here the last hour." "Isn't that right, Eric?" "[LAUGHS]" "See?" "I don't have time for this." "A morose teenager has come to take it home." "Do I have to tear the house apart?" "Don't bother." "You won't find it." "Why not?" "Because I ate it." "I c" " I can't believe that you could possibly disappoint me this much." "No more disappointed than I am in myself, Willie." "Your punishment couldn't begin to top what I'm going through." "We'll test that theory in one minute." "Ugh." "You may be looking at the piñata for your first birthday party." "I'm out of here." "I'm sorry it appears that something has happened to the, uh, kitten." "I see." "Joanie, this is not at all like what happened between you and George." "I wanna believe you." "Well at least now I'll have something to talk about at group tonight." "Bye, Mr. Tanner." " I'll call you." "LYNN:" "All right." "Ah, she's one taco short of a combination plate." "What happened to the kitten?" "It seems ALF ate...." "Oh, my God." "That's just too horrible to think about." "How do you know?" "He admitted it." "Wow." "I knew he was capable but I never thought he'd actually go through with it." "One thing is certain." "He'll never do it again." "Look, I don't know how much time we have." "So here's the plan." "How soon do you think you can get on a game show?" "We're gonna need some money." "What, you have a better idea?" "WILLIE:" "ALF?" "ALF, there you are." "Dad, he's in here." "Is he in a good mood or a bad mood?" "Don't even talk to me." "I guess it's that time, huh?" "Doesn't a condemned man get a last meal?" "You just had it." "How about an after-dinner mint?" "Dad, what's that?" "Uh, pay no attention to the moving box." "The great and powerful ALF has spoken." "[LAUGHING]" "Don't take him away from me, Willie." "He's mine." "I'll do anything." "Please." "ALF, you were telling the truth." "How many times does a guy have to spit on himself before you believe him?" "I knew it." "I knew you couldn't eat him." "Then why didn't you say something?" "Stick up for me." "What if I was wrong and you ate him?" "This is one of those logic puzzles, isn't it?" "I've never been good at those." "Willie, can I keep him?" "No." "But why?" "Well, I don't think it would be a good idea in light of everything." "But he's my friend." "You don't realize how close you can get with someone until you've had their head in your mouth." "You should really have somebody else do your arguing for you." "Dad, he obviously loves the kitten." "Don't we owe it to him?" "Well, what do we owe him?" "Lynn, he brought these kittens into our house without asking." "He tried to eat them." "He actually sat at the dining room table" "Dad, look at him." "He'll be like the son I never had." "Okay, you can keep him." "Yeah!" "Hey, did you hear that, little fella?" "[MEOWS]" "Yeah, you get to stay." "You know, Willie, my Mom was wrong." "It is fun to play with your food." "Somewhere in this yard your illustrious predecessor rests." "At least, that's what they told me." "They could be lying." "They're an odd family." " Hi, ALF." "What are you doing?" " Hi, B." "I was just showing Flipper where Lucky was buried." "You named him Flipper?" "That's a stupid name." "Hey, don't criticize." "You haven't seen him underwater." "I wanna name him Lucky Two." "Brian, are you trying to tell me that you like this kitten?" "No." "Not even just a little?" "Well, maybe a little." "Well, maybe a lot." "You know what?" "I think you should go inside and tell that to your folks." " They like that kind of junk." " Okay." "You even look a little like Lucky." "Same fat cheeks same meaty thighs..." "[SNIFFING] ...same delectable aroma." "Maybe I should keep him in my room." "Good idea, B. Why tempt fate?" "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"