"* doo-wop, doo-wop *" "Hey, sunshine." "How are you?" "Are you okay?" "Are you-- are you good?" "I wanted to ask you if you think me getting" "An abortion is definitely the right decision," "Because I know that you and I have talked" "About raising kids, and-- and I know that it's-- it's big." "It's a big thing." "But, like, I don't know," "Maybe-- maybe we could, like, keep it and raise it together." "Yes, jokes." "Okay, you're making funny jokes." "Good." "Fine." "I'm not joking." "I'm being totally serious." "And now you're making me feel really weird about it." "Okay." "Why won't you laugh?" "Nobody knows." "Don't worry." "I really am a very good helper." "I'm really nervous about the dentist." "Not the dentist!" "He's gonna hurt my mouth." "Mm, yeah." "Arnold's surprisingly calm about the trial sleepover" "At his parents' house." "That's all pretty fucking weird, yeah?" "I can hear you, tom!" "Well, it is weird!" "You want to know what else is weird?" "Your confidence levels!" "I don't come across as confident, do I?" "Um, claire's ill, so I'm going to take her to the doctor today." "Is it contagious?" "* one, two * * one, two, three, four * * ooh-ooh-ooh * * yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah * * ooh-ooh-ooh * * oh, yeah, here * * oh, the good lord knows it *" "* ooh-ooh-ooh * * oh, the good lord knows it * * ooh-ooh-ooh *" "* I left better behind to be fine * * yeah, yeah, fine * * make my mama turn another blind eye * * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *" "* I left better behind to be fine *" "Oh, I can't believe he's leaving us." "He learned to use the washing machine and now he's off." "We've not done enough for you, apparently." "But now it's time I went out and stood on my own two feet." "At your parents' mansion." "Mm-hmm." "Are those two feet standing exclusively" "On a rug woven from the hair of beautiful swedish people?" "Yes." "Bye." "Good luck!" "* doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop * Thank you." "Why did you take one?" "To be polite?" "Idiot." "A lot of spelling mistakes." "Yeah?" "They spelled "fetus" four different ways" "On this page alone." "Well, which is the correct one?" "F-e-t-u-s." "Isn't there an "o"?" "F-e-o-t-u-s?" "F-e-o-u-..." "F-o-u-..." "F-o-- f-o-e..." "I just have no idea." "Why don't we know this?" "Hello?" "Hi, this is claire." "I have an appointment." "I'll be there in a moment." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I just hate doctors, that's all." "I am very excited to exercise my right" "To decide what happens to my body today." "You look very pretty." "Thank you." "What do I do with this?" "Hide it!" "Hello." "Hi." "Thank you." "Claire?" "Oh, we just need claire." "Okay." "He can't come?" "We just need you to meet with the doctor initially on your own." "You can stay here for now." "Okay." "Ooh." "Yeah, okay, I shouldn't have winked." "I" " I panicked." "Stop." "oh, my god." "I hate the dentist." "yeah, it's the worst." "Mm." "Why's it so quiet?" "I don't know." "oh, god." "You're lying there, the chair's all back" "And you can't go anywhere." "The man comes in with the rubbery fingers in your mouth" "And they're all squeaking against your teeth." "He's just..." "He's just in there." "Like, he's just too far in." "His fingers are too far in." "Your teeth aren't that far in." "Your mouth's just always open and you can't swallow" "And he's got that sucky thing." "You know, and he only uses it at the last second," "Do you think they'd let me come in and be in charge of your sucky thing?" "I don't..." "I don't think so." "Oh, god!" "And that sharp, pricky thing." "You know that awful, sharp, pricky hooky thing?" "Like, that scrapy hooky thing?" "You know, in between the..." "It's like a scrapy" "Oh my god, shut up!" "Shut up." "Oh my god, I'm in a real state now." "I'm in a state now." "No, I'm serious." "I'm actually quite anxious." "I'm all hot." "Why'd you bring me with you?" "I didn't bring you with me." "You just came." "Well, you know I can't be by myself." "I've got claire for you." "hi, mum." "Just a sec." "Just a sec" "Stuart's cheating on me!" "He's cheating on me!" "just push the button." "Joshua, did you hear what I said?" "Thank you." "I'm sorry, what was happening with stuart?" "Stuart's with hazel." "He's cheating on me." "Stuart's not cheating on you, mum." "Oh, that-- that's not the right thing to say, josh." "Now you say you're sorry because my feelings are hurt." "Yeah, no, I'm sorry." "You're right." "No, no, I don't give a shit." "Fuck stuart." "Okay." "Fine." "Fuck stuart." "How come-- why do you think he was cheating?" "Well, 'cause I read his texts." "And he's-- he asked her to pick up oats." "That's married." "It's so married, josh." "Look, I'm plotting revenge." "I want you to come over 'cause you're clever." "No, no, I can't." "No, come on." "I want to get him." "Please." "I just" " I can't, okay?" "Come on!" "I just can't!" "Oh, you're no fucking fun!" "hi." "Um, this is josh." "I was just in there with claire." "Do you have an appointment?" "Yeah." "I have an appointment with claire." "Yeah, it's just that-- there was a different nurse." "I'll buzz you in." "This is josh." "Hi." "Hi, josh." "Uh, they wanted to pull me aside" "To make sure you weren't forcing me to have an abortion." "That paints a dark picture of the world we live in." "I know." "Imagine you forcing me to do anything." "Look at you." "I could force, thank you." "I'm tough." "I'm quite tough." "Big, tough man." "Good on you." "Thank you." "Uh, how was the ultrasound?" "Well, there is a baby in me, which is pretty fucking weird." "Gosh." "Wh-- what now?" "Well, claire has opted to have a medical termination" "Now, she tells me you're going to be her partner through all this?" "So, I want you to hear what needs to be done." "Okay." "Yeah." "Yes." "I mean, I'm good." "I'm ready." "Now..." "Okay, now, she's already had the mifepristone," "Which stops the supply of the pregnancy hormone," "Which is needed to keep a pregnancy progressing and healthy." "Tomorrow, she'll have the misoprostol," "Which will bring on the miscarriage," "Which will allow the pregnancy tissue to pass." "That can be a bit painful." "Everyone reacts differently." "It could take a few days for all the tissue to pass." "Most likely no more than a heavy period," "But you should be prepared to be irritable and emotional." "Yeah." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Did you hear that?" "She said you're gonna be emotional and irritable." "Yes." "Yes." "Mm-hmm." "So, you remember that." "So, later if you're angry, just remember it's not my fault." "Yeah, I..." "I'll be fine." "Maybe we should write it on your little wrist," ""it is not josh's fault."" "I think I'll remember." "Okay." "You could get a little..." "A little band," "And instead of saying "what would jesus do?"" "And another sign saying "nothing." "Don't do anything."" "You've got no one else?" "No one else in the world free this weekend?" "Boom." "All right, fine." "Everything can be my fault." "thank you." "Oh, it's my mum." "This'll be good." "Hi." "Oh, josh!" "I'm gonna get a gigolo!" "Well, you have moved on quickly." "Yeah, I'm gonna get one with really tight shorts" "And a really big package," "And I'm gonna parade him around in front of stuart." "Yeah?" "Where is this parading happening?" "Oh, wherever he is." "He's gonna be so jealous!" "What if he's at his house with hazel, his wife?" "Oh, no, I'll" " I'll figure something out." "Now, where do we get a gigolo?" "I don't know." "Why do you think he'll be jealous?" "You've got a prostitute, he's got a wife." "This isn't a win for you." "What?" "No-- ooh!" "I'll get a girl then!" "You know, that's-- that's even better!" "No, that doesn't make sense." "No." "Oh." "Okay." "Uh..." "I" " I'll keep thinking about this." "Okay." "Good." "I thought you said she'd been getting better." "Yeah." "She's making plans for the future." "It's a breakthrough." "Alan?" "Please..." "Call me back." "I could list his dna with the police." "You got good contacts in the police?" "No." "Oh!" "Uh..." "Maybe..." "Maybe I could sneak some laxative into his food." "No, I feel like I've seen that." "I could tell him I've got a disease," "Like syphilis." "Then he'd have to tell hazel he's got syphilis." "And then he'd also think you're gross." "But today I found out that I don't have wisdom teeth." "I'm evolved." "I think it's hot, like in x-men." "Hey!" "Why are there no shit x-men?" "How are all the mutations cool?" "No, I imagine there are loads of shit ones." "They just don't get invited to professor charles xavier's" "Like a guy who's mutated into having a really dry mouth" "And everyone can hear his lips in uni lectures." "Does professor charles xavier-- does he just..." "Pretend not to see them?" "I see every mutant in the world with this machine." "oh, who's that kid over there with the weasel for a penis?" "I..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I just saw his dick turn into a weasel and he sighed and said," ""oh no, not this again!"" "No you didn't!" "This conversation is shit." "Are you okay?" "Do you need anything?" "No." "Well, I" " I suppose we can bring him into the school" "To help with the rat problem..." "..." "If we must." "High ceilings." "Yeah." "Aren't they just fabulous?" "Difficult to heat." "Hello?" "You're up." "Yeah." "Do you want to come apartment shopping with me?" "No, I couldn't." "I just couldn't." "Oh." "Oh." "All right." "Okay, bye." "Okay." "Okay, she said you take that for pain," "This for nausea," "And you hold these under your tongue" "For half an hour for termination of pregnancy." "I know, josh." "Okay." "I will start the pill timer." "Then we wait." "You can't really talk, can you?" "It's just me." "Talk about whatever I like." "Ooh!" "What-- what does he want to talk about?" "So, anything I want to talk about." "We can talk about, um..." "Uh, we can talk about atheism." "Do you want to talk about alternative medicine?" "Mm-mm." "Um, doesn't work, does it?" "'cause you can't really put the word "alternative"" "Before the word "medicine," you know?" "Before "ideas," you can have alternative fashion," "You know, alternative music," "But you can't have alternative facts." "Alternative facts, can you?" "But medicine's not, like," "Always a fact based" "I was just, I mean," "I can't understand you." "Um, because you can have al..." "Just putting "alternative" before..." "Medicine is like-- it's like pointing at a dog and saying," ""that's my alternative cat."" "It's still not a cat." "You've been quiet for a long time." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Quiet means I'm okay." "If I'm groaning, that's how you know that I'm not okay." "I just..." "Sorry again." "I just" " I was worried you might have fainted." "One time doing the national anthem!" "Oh, fuck!" "I'm never, ever, ever having sex again, okay?" "Okay." "Aah, fuck!" "Babe?" "Babe?" "I think it's done." "You did it." "Hooray." "Well, what do I do now?" "Uh, I think maybe flush the toilet and then..." "Possibly have a shower?" "Do you want to see it?" "No." "Nah." "You think I should take a picture?" "And show it to people when they show me photos of their kids?" "No." "Just flush the toilet." "Yeah." "Be out in a second." "Okay." "So, I made fried chicken and..." "I was thinking maybe I'll say some irrational feelings" "That I've had over the weekend in, like, a monotone voice," "And then you can do the same, and what we'll do is," "We just won't judge each other's feelings." "Yeah?" "Okay." "Okay." "I know I've had a lot." "Um..." "I thought that my politics would keep me safe from my feelings," "And I was wrong." "Okay." "Um..." "I got jealous that you could get pregnant." "Um..." "I dressed up for the abortion clinic." "I mean, that is a nice dress that you were wearing." "That is a good dress." "And..." "I think I just didn't want them to think that I was like the other girls." "I'm furious at myself for thinking that." "I accidentally fantasized about keeping the baby." "Some of those, um, hilariously tiny sneakers perhaps?" "No." "No way." "Not on my kid." "All right." "Are we done?" "I mean, I'm out of things." "I felt guilty." "Yeah?" "Okay, look, I-- I know you know, okay?" "But I'll just say you have nothing to feel guilty about." "Obviously, right?" "Yeah, well, maybe not guilty," "But, like..." "Just kind of like a fuck-up" "Because flushing the toilet, it just reminded me of..." "That time I forgot to feed bert and ernie," "And I had to flush them down the toilet." "Yeah." "It's just..." "This is it." "It's like..." "We're grown-ups." "This is it." "We're not practicing anymore." "Shit is getting real, you know?" "oh, my god." "No, we're not crying and eating fried chicken." "This is not an image we're having in our lives." "We have to suck it up." "Pull it together." "I think everybody" "Cries while eating fried chicken." "I'm pretty sure tears are the 12th ingredient." "Yeah." "Yeah, when some people get pregnant," "They get to throw a party." "We could have had bunting." "Do you want bunting?" "I mean, I can get you bunting." "If you want, I can organize shit-loads of bunting." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "oh, I'm sorry." "Look, it's my mum, yeah?" "Perfect timing." "Definitely." "I've run out of paint, josh!" "I've run out of paint!" "What are you doing?" "No, I'm" " I'm writing" "A word on stuart's back lawn and I didn't bring enough paint!" "Okay." "Um..." "What word?" "Well, I'm writing the c-word." "The "c-word"?" "I don't understand." "Like "corn"?" ""cuticle"?" ""cornelius"?" ""capsicum"?" "But I only got" "As far as c-u-n." "I'm sorry, I just-- I don't understand." "What word were you trying to write, mother?" "I can't say it!" "Have you got me on speaker?" "Oh, j-- josh, take me off speaker!" "Oh!" "Oh." "* doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop, ooh *" "Hey, tom?" "Hm?" "Do you wanna be my boyfriend?" "Um, yeah, no, that's" "Sorry." "Yes." "What?" "No, it's good." "It's..." "Do you not want to?" "No, I do." "I do." "I" " I do, I just thought that would be something..." "That kind of happened organically," "Just over time." "are you kidding?" "What?" "Oh, my god." "This is so humiliating." "No, it's good." "This is nice." "This is a nice moment." "We are..." "Two people deciding that they're gonna be" "Boyfriend/girlfriend." "You know, I was just trying to be helpful." "I was" " I just-- -you were the one who needed clarification." "I just thought it would be organic." "Can you stop saying "organic"?" "You kept accidentally referring to me as your girlfriend" "And then pretending to be embarrassed." "No, it just slipped out because it was easier" "Than referring to you as "girl who sleeps at my house every single night."" "I didn't want it to be organic." "You needed clarification." "This is my gift to you." "Your gift?" "Mm-hmm." "I don't need your gift." "I'm fine." "No, tom." "You're just a pretty shit guy, actually." "Just a shit guy." "I'm a shit guy?" "You're crazy." "You're like a cat lady except not old." "Sometimes when you kiss me, I feel the oil from your nose" "Coat my face." "You have no money." "I have self-esteem issues, so I don't know" "If I'm with you 'cause you're good" "Or just 'cause you're available." "You're bad at sex." "I can go on forever with you, literally forever." "And usually, I need to think of something bad to stop myself" "From ejaculating-- never with you." "That is so awful." "That is just so mean." "What an awful, shit guy thing to say." "Oh, now I've got another shit boyfriend." "well, that was fucked." "Hey." "Hi." "Hey, maybe kiss me on the mouth?" "What happened?" "Uh, we sat around awkwardly for a while and then" "Near the end, my dad apologized." "Then he told me, in his usual tone," "Where it's just so obvious he thinks he's being" "Some kind of hero, he tells me he's working on" "Working on accepting it!" "That's good, isn't it?" "No, it's fucked." "Yeah, fuck him." "Don't work on me." "I'm not a project." "I'm meant to be grateful that you're trying?" "Not just accepting, even." "Just be, like-- like, lovely." "Mm." "Your dad's a dick." "He's a dick." "I feel bad for saying your dad's a dick." "I'm sorry." "Wait." "Arnold..." "Are you having a bad day?" "Mm-hmm." "Claire's having a bad day." "Yeah." "What are you saying?" "Today's the day." "Today." "What day?" "What day?" "Uh, the day." "What day?" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to cardboard metropolis," "The most populous city in the world!" "Yay!" "Uh, cardboard metropolis has survived wars and tsunamis" "Throughout all of history, but nothing could prepare" "The great empire for the devastation of johnzilla!" "Oh, johnzilla!" "Whoo!" "Aww, yeah!" "Aww." "Tom, you should show a video" "Of this activity to all the new people" "That you meet, and then you'll never have to explain" "Why you were never popular." "John, what are you doing?" "Destroy the city." "Oh, yeah, john's a pacifist." "Did you put any dog food in there?" "I put so many treats in-- no, john." "You've gotta..." "This..." "John, crush card broadway." "Don't you do anything you're not comfortable with, john." "Well, okay I don't know now, 'cause..." "I've set up all the cameras, haven't I?" "Expensive, and it's like-- it's rubbish." "Claire, you seem quite angry for some reason." "You feel like crushing some civilization?" "Yeah, okay."