"Oh, God, I can't believe it's 3:00 in the morning." "Hey, Stephen, do sections D through K check out?" " Stephen." " He's asleep." "Oh, he's so sweet!" "Give me that magic marker." " What are you doing?" " Drawing a mustache on you." "Could you give me something cool like a goatee?" "Okay, that's it, everybody." "Go home." "I really owe you guys, giving up your Friday night." "Stephen, you were going to meet an old college buddy or something, right?" "Actually, sir, I had to cancel a blind date with a former Miss Pennsylvania." "Oh, you're serious." "Chin up, son." "I've found that beauty queens don't look that great close up, anyway." "Yeah, I wouldn't know, sir." " Hey, guys." " Hey." "Well, I locked up the tavern." "You ready?" "Translation:" "She can't believe she has to take a cab all the way to her place." "I speak Alex." "Well, how about this:" "let's stay at my place." "Oh, you're serious." "Yeah. we never stay at my place." "You have that lumpy mattress." "Alex, it's 3:00 in the morning." "My place is right around the corner." "Yeah, you're right." "I'm so tired I could sleep anywhere." "Ah!" "That's it!" " You're getting a new mattress." " What?" "Oh, you can't sleep either?" "I just want to make sure you're really okay with buying a non-lumpy mattress." "Hey, I want you to be able to spend the night at my place." "I like morning sex." "I mean, I want you to be comfortable." "If you like that one, try the inner spring." "It's this one right here." "Costs a little more, but it's worth it." " We can just roll over there." " I'll race you." "I'll be over here if you need me." " Alex." " Michael!" "Hi!" "Uh, sorry." "I didn't mean to interrupt anything." "Oh, no, you didn't." "He's one of the salesmen here." "They're really aggressive." "Michael, this is my boyfriend, Scott." "Hey." "So how are you?" " Good." " Good!" "Good." " Good!" " Yeah." " Well, it was nice seeing you, Alex." " You, too, Michael." " Take care." " Okay." " See ya." "That was kind of funny, running into my ex-boyfriend like that." "You okay?" "Man, this is kind of tough." "Look, it was a long time ago and it was not a serious relationship." "Oh, no!" "I meant, how do you ever choose a mattress?" "Memory foam is great, but this inner spring stuff-- this is a lot of fun!" "I just thought maybe you were a little jealous." "You know, cause that was Michael." "Michael Robbins?" "We dated for six months." "I told you about him." "Man, I really got to listen when you talk." "Look, I'm sorry, Alex." "I'm just not the jealous type." "I couldn't agree more." "Jealousy is stupid." "But, I mean... you would only be human, you know, if you felt... something." "Yeah, you're right." "I am starting to feel something." "I'm going to go kick that guy's ass." "See?" "That's all I wanted." "That was a successful shopping day." "Yeah, but there's only two of us." "Why do we need eight pillows?" "Because they're pretty and decorative, and... they can be kicked off the bed during morning sex." "I love 'em!" "You know, this place is really coming along-- a new mattress, you got a nice, comfy couch, your souvenir from lamp day at Yankee Stadium..." "Yeah, you just press that ball and it plays that tune..." "I know." "I know." "Well, I better get to the bar." "Saturday night shift starts soon." "You sure you don't mind waiting for the new mattress?" "No." "Worked till 3:00 a.m. last night." "I could use some time to decompress." "Hey, I had fun today." "Yeah." "Me, too." "It was kind of nice going mattress shopping together." "I think that's a big step in a relationship." "Me, too." "Actually, it's a first for me." "I've never gone furniture shopping with someone I was dating before." "Well, I better get to the bar." "Have you gone furniture shopping with a girlfriend before?" "Uh, yeah." "Oh." "With who?" "Uh, Lisa back in Montana." "Lisa..." "Oh, wasn't she the one with the psoriasis?" "What?" "I listen when you talk." "All right, well, Eddie's at the bar by himself, so I..." "So what did you guys buy?" "Uh... a couch." "This couch?" "Y up." "Oh!" "It's nice." "Come on, Alex." "It was no big deal." "We just got sick of living in a place with a crummy couch." "Oh." "You never mentioned that you and itchy lived together." "We weren't really living together." "Her lease ran out." "She needed a place to crash for a while." "A while being...?" "A couple of months." "12... 18 months." "Really?" "That's funny, uh..." "You never mentioned it before." "Well," "Alex, it never came up." " And besides, I'm telling you now." " Oh, that's true." "True." "Oh, no!" "The pillows do not match the couch." "Meaning...?" "Well, something's got to go." "And there's eight pillows." "There's only one couch." " Alex, are you jealous of my couch?" " No!" "Okay, a little." "It's just now every time I look at it, I think about Lisa." "Khaki, microsuede Lisa." "Alex, trust me on this." "I don't... when I look at this couch, I don't see Lisa." "I see a comfortable place to stretch out and take a nap." " Really?" " Yes, that's it." "Well, maybe I am being silly." "It is just a couch." "Go to work." "I'm fine." "All right." " Yeah." " Can't wait to see you later." " Oh, me, too." "I was talking to the couch." " Kidding." " Oh, I know!" "It's a good one." "You did that on purpose!" "Oh!" "Thank you for coming over." "Hey, nice place." "I've been stuck here waiting for Scott's mattress to be delivered." "Just me and that slutty couch." "Oh, so this is the troublesome little minx." "Oh, well, I can see why you're jealous." "She is very alluring." "Soft, supple..." "Magnificent pillows." "You know, I think these are real." "Should I leave you two alone?" "Yeah, just dim the lights and put on some Barry White." " Come on, have a seat." " I'm fine." "Alex, sit on the damn couch." " Why give it the satisfaction?" " You are being ridiculous." "All right." "Alex, it's a couch, not a public loo." "Sit!" "Oh..." "I have to get up." "Mattress delivery." "If you want us to haul away the old one, It'll be an extra 20 bucks." "Fantastic." "Look, I do understand your problem." "I went through the same thing." " You did?" " Yeah." "I was dating Gladys." "Trust me, it's a very sexy name in England." "Anyway, she used to wear this bustier, which she had been given by her former boyfriend Simon." "But I didn't resent that." "In fact," "I reaped the rewards on a regular basis." "Till, of course, she left me and went back to Simon." "She left you?" "!" "No, you're right-- this is a terrible story to be telling you." "Maybe you should just have them haul the couch away, too." "Oh, I couldn't do that." "Could I?" "Cost you an extra 20." "I got plenty of room on the truck." "Do it!" "What?" "!" "Alex, I was kidding!" "You can't do this." " Why?" " Well, what would you tell Scott?" "I'd probably just distract him by taking my top off." "I'm not letting you do this!" "Put it down!" "What if he's holding on to the couch because he still has feelings for her?" "Guys?" "He lived with the woman for a year and a half." "No, no, no!" "Wait!" "Let me ask you this-  where is this Lisa now?" " In Montana." "And where are you?" "Not in Montana." "That's right." "You're the one who's here in Scott's apartment, not her." "You're right." "Why should I let a stupid piece of furniture intimidate me?" "Exactly." "So...?" "It stays." " But you can take that lamp." " Alex!" "Leave the lamp!" "Thank you." "Feel better?" "You know what?" "I do!" " And you should!" " Yeah!" "Who cares about Lisa?" "She may have bought the couch, but whose ass is sitting in it now?" "Oh-oh." " That was an accident, I swear." " Yeah." "Scott'll believe me, right?" "Well, I was here." "I'm not even sure I believe you." "No, Robin, I'm not canceling again, I'm just running a little late." "Yeah." "Every time I try to leave, I get stuck listening to one of the old man's stories, and then it's just blah, blah-blah, blah..." "Okay, I'll see you real soon." "Bye-bye." "I'm sorry, sir." "Look, I didn't mean..." "No, no, no, please." "You come in on a Saturday." "You're helping out with this damn Gassner brief." "You don't want to listen to me ramble on about my old-time stories." "You have a date anyway, don't you?" "Get out of here." "I'll take care of it." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Miss Delaware, right?" "Well, Pennsylvania, actually, yeah." "Wow." "Pennsylvania." "Did I ever tell you about the time that F. Lee Bailey and I drove across Pennsylvania with these two blonds who he swore were paralegals?" "No." "It was the fall of '70..." "Sit down." "It was the fall of '72." "You'll know this story." ""Not to be used on grape juice or red wine."" "Good to know." "Now what gets out stain remover?" "Oh, thank God, Molly." "I'm so glad you're here." "Hope I didn't ruin your night." "Are you kidding?" "You saved me." "I was on a date with a guy who bought me coffee with a bunch of nickels." "Yeah." "All right, I need details." "What time did you try to kill the couch?" " A few hours ago." " And what kind of wine is it?" " Red." " Bordeaux or Burgundy?" " Burgundy." " Okay, I'll have a glass." "Well, at least she knows how to get rid of the wine that's still in the bottle." " Just wait." "She has a gift." " Now let's see." "It's a tussar-silk-and-cotton blend with a special Teflon treatment." "Scott's ex-girlfriend had great taste." "The bitch." " This ought to do it." " Okay." "Hello." "Hey, it's me." "Just calling to say I miss you." "Oh, I miss you, too." "So I was thinking I'd leave Eddie in charge and just come home." "Now?" "We just saw each other." " He's coming home!" " I need at least an hour and a half." "I can't wait to test out that new mattress." "Scott, wait, um, you know what?" "I just ate and well, you know, like swimming, you need a good hour and half before..." "Hello?" "He's on his way over." "He saw through that?" "The man's a human polygraph." "We got to stall Scott." "Hey, Dad, it's me." "Um, remember when you said you owed me one?" "Well, I need you to run across the tavern and stop Scott from leaving." "Yes, I care how you do it." " Steven?" " Yeah, hi." " Hi." " Sorry." "No cabs." "Had to run all the way here." "Except for the last block." "I slowed down because" "I wanted to look cool." "How am I doing?" "Pretty cute." "Wow, Miss Pennsylvania just called me cute." "Actually, I was just the runner-up." "Oh, well, in that case," "I am out of here." "Seriously, I have a great night planned for us." "Oh, that's, uh, just take a sec." "Hello." "Look, I got to do something for Alex." "I need you back here to finish up" " the Gassner brief now." " Pennsylvania, Pennsyl..." "Okay." "You know, it's funny." "I've got to get back to the office." "Are you kidding?" "You're blowing off Miss Pennsylvania again?" "Well, technically, runner-up." "Okay," "I'm really sorry." "I-I promise I'll make this up to you." " All right." " Thanks." "Hey, Scott." "How you doing?" "Mr. Rose, wow." "I'm surprised to see you here, sir." "Why do you say that?" "Well, maybe because you once said-- and I quote" ""I'd rather eat glass than set foot in that crap joint ever again."" "I like the way you cleaned that up a little." "So can I get a scotch in this crap joint?" "Sure." "Enjoy." "Where you going?" "Well, actually, sir," "I'm headed home to see Alex." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, I, uh, I thought maybe we could talk a little bit." "We never talk." "The fact is, I, uh, need your... your advice on something." " You want my advice?" " Yeah." "No, I wouldn't buy that either." "The truth is, Alex sent me over here." "She spilled some wine on your couch, and she, she needs some time to clean it up, so would you, would you walk around for a few hours before you go home?" "Oh, unbelievable." "I knew she was going to do something to that couch." "It was an accident." "Oh, no, I bought that couch with an ex-girlfriend, and Alex is jealous." " Jealous?" " Mm-hmm." " She's jealous of the couch?" " Yes." "Oh, look, my glass left a little ring on your bar here." "I must be jealous of the wood." "All I'm saying is, I think I know Alex." "Well, then you know she doesn't do things halfway." "If she doesn't like that couch, she's going to burn it, she's going to chainsaw it, but she's not going to try to clean it for you." "Well, I guess you got a point." "She'd throw it off a cliff, put it in a wood chipper." "Soak it in gasoline and torch the thing." "Put cement shoes on it and dump it in the East River." "She can get a little crazy." "Hey, my daughter you're talking about." "Sorry, sir." " Sorry?" "Sorry does not fill a glass, son." "Hey." "Wow, the bed looks great." "All the new sheets and pillows and pillows... pillows." "Ah, come here, you." "Oh, I can't." "I am so tuckered out from making the bed." "Oh, come on." "Give me a hug." "That was nice." "Babe, could you get my keys for me?" "They're right there." "Yeah, but my back is killing me." "Thank you." "Welcome." "So what do you say we go mess up that bed?" "Okay." "Why don't you turn off the lights first?" "Why don't we leave 'em on?" " Why don't we turn 'em off?" "Okay." "See, isn't this nice?" "And with the lights out, you can barely see the stain." "I am going to kill my father." "It was an accident, I swear." "I know, and I love that you tried to save a couch you hate to make me happy." "So now I want to make you happy." "Let's get rid of the couch." "Now I want to keep the couch." "You didn't mess up the rug underneath the couch, did you?" "No." "But now it's not just the couch you bought with your ex-girlfriend." " It's not?" " Mm-mm." "Now it's the couch I saved, proving once and for all how amazingly unjealous and easygoing I am." "See?" "It's our own couple story we can tell our friends." "Well, let's add a little bit to the story we can't tell our friends." "All right." "I don't think I can do this with 30,000 people watching." "Yeah." "Me neither." "Charge." "Robin, hey." "I've been working all night." "I was hoping to catch you." "Listen, is there any chance you can give me one more shot at taking you to dinner?" "Oh." "Breakfast?" "Yeah, okay." "I'll be right there." " Steven." " Oh, hi, sir." "You worked last night." "You didn't have to come in today." "It's Sunday." "Yeah, actually, sir, I never left." "Really?" "Yeah, I just finished the Gassner brief." "That's great." "Yeah, okay, take care." "Bye-bye." "Actually..." "I could use a pair of eyes on the Beaumont deal." "It's lucky I caught up with you here." "Yeah, lucky." " Steven." " Yeah?" "what are you doing?" "I'm putting you on." "Get back in the elevator." "Go get some rest." "Thank you, sir." "I'll see you tomorrow!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!"