"One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six," "Shake it, dude." "Cue the pulse to begin" "Cue the pulse to begin" "Cue the pulse to begin" "Cue the pulse to begin" "I suspect it's a seminoma, a form of testicular cancer quite common in men your age." "However, we can't be sure until we perform a biopsy." "How do you do that?" "First, we have to remove the testicle." "That's what I was afraid you were going to say." "And if I don't have cancer, then..." "Do you put it back in?" "Unfortunately, no." "I was afraid you were going to say that too." "However the good news is that the procedure is relatively simple." "As for the other teste, it will still be completely functional and neither your sexual performance nor your fertility will be affected." "That is good news." "I'll be a one-ball wonder." "Ah, no, no, no." "We give you a prosthetic replacement." "Here." "Help yourself." "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." "They all look and feel completely natural." "Of course we try to match your original testicle as closely as possible." "Not too big, not too small, but... just right." "So what are my chances?" "With surgery and follow-up procedure, 99%." "Not bad." "And without surgery?" "The cancer will spread through your body." "It will invade your vital organs, and you will die." "This one year of clarity has meant more to me than all my other 40 years of pain and confusion." "And for that, I would like to thank the person who helped get me here," "Blake has been my rock." "I don't know what I would've done without him." "Blake, I've never met anyone with more integrity than you." "Thank you for being there for me, for being my friend, for believing in me." "Should I go up and get her?" "Give her a few more minutes." "She was up most of the night." "I heard her rattling around in the kitchen." "That can't be a good sign." "Then this morning, she was pacing back and forth in her room." "Like Mary Tyrone?" "Who?" "Didn't any of you illiterates ever read "Long Day's Journey Into Night"?" "Part of the 10th grade English curriculum." "Compared to some off the foster homes I was in, it's the fucking Brady Bunch." "Would you show a little respect?" "Sit down." "Michael." "It's my uncle's funeral." "If she doesn't get her ass down here in... two minutes, we're going to be late." "Like the guy's going to give a shit." "I'm not sure she's up for this." "That makes two of us." "She wouldn't miss his funeral." "Who knows, after the fight they had?" "I'd better go get her." "If you need help, just holler." "I'm a marvel with madwomen." "Why's everybody sitting around?" "Michael, are the car and driver here?" "They're out front." "Then let's go." "Before we consign our brother Victor Antonio Grassi to the arms of our loving and benevolent god, is there anyone who would like to offer a personal remembrance?" "This is so hard." "Where do I start?" "My Uncle Vic was the first person I ever told I was gay." "He laughed and said," ""Thank god." "Now your grandmother will have someone else's soul to pray for."" "That's how he was." "Never sentimental, unlike me." "Always facing adversity with a smile and a cynical remark." "I'm sure if he saw us here today he'd say," ""What the hell are you wasting your time on a dead man for?" "Go get laid."" "So I just want to say, "Thank you, Uncle Vic... for everything you taught me." "You were a brave man, a good man." "Which is all we can ever hope to be."" "Anyone else?" "He made a fucking fabulous tarte aux pommes with creme fraiche." "He was the only person I knew who looked good in a Hawaiian shirt." "Well, almost." "He once did coke with Liza at studio 54." "He was gay before it was fashionable." "I never heard him complain, not once." "He lived in gratitude." "Ma?" "I think your uncle's heard more than enough of what I have to say." "If you would like to place your roses." "You holding up okay?" "Why?" "Do I look like I'm falling apart?" "No, you're doing great." "I just want to get back to the house before the others do." "I was up half the night preparing food." "There are boxes we still hadn't unpacked." "He said, "What's the hurry?"" "Well, I guess that's what they mean when they say, "appreciate every minute."" "That's hard to do when they go by so fast." "It's been so long since anyone we know has died." "I guess we've been lulled into complacency by all the new drugs." "Yeah." "You okay, pal?" "Yeah." "Sure." "All I'm saying is that it's better to go out when you're young, in a blaze of glory, than to end up some diseased old queen." "You might feel differently if it were you." "Well, at least he didn't get sick and linger." "That's the worst." "Yeah." "And in such poor taste." "Buy a one-way ticket to Ibiza, party till you drop, and then discreetly disappear." "Here you go, sweetheart." "You're great." "Aw, thank you." "Take care, Michael." "Em honey?" "Little more wine?" "Can I give you a hand?" "No, no, no, I'm good." "I'm good, baby." "Huh." "How about for you, sweetheart?" "Oh, uh... yeah?" "Yeah?" "No?" "Okay." "Huh." "I wrapped up the cold cuts and salads." "Oh, I was about to do that." "Mmm, do you want the cake and the cookies in the fridge?" "I want you to sit down, all of you." "Really, I'll take care of it." "Debbie." "You haven't stopped all day." "Well, it's best to stay busy." "I agree." "In fact, they're starting some new classes this week at the center." "I was thinking I'd sign up for pottery." "How about you come join me, Deb?" "We can get our hands dirty." "Well..." "That's a wonderful idea." "And they say that doing something creative is a highly effective way to process your grief." "Well, I'm Italian." "What I find highly effective is food and plenty of vino." "Huh!" "Deb?" "Uh, um..." "Deb?" "Oh." "How're you holding up, baby?" "Not as good as you." "Here, I brought you this." "Some of Vic's things." "Thought you'd like them." "Oh." "Well, that's very thoughtful of you." "Thank you." "There's some family photos, his rings and watch." "There's also, uh, a letter addressed to you." "A letter?" "For me?" "Listen, would you mind if I took off?" "I'm feeling a little tired." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "You go ahead, you get some rest." "Um, here." "Take this." "No, that's all right..." "No, no, no." "You're gonna eat, you hear me?" "And this too." "We'll be there for you too." "Ah." "I'm going to take off." "See you later." "We'll get through this." "It's all right." "Could you come by next week?" "Okay." "Just have dinner with us." "Call me if you need anything." "Ma, why don't you let Mel and Linz and Jennifer help you?" "What's that?" "Oh." "It's a letter from your Uncle Vic." "He wrote it to me a few years ago when... he was sick and we thought he was gonna die." "And what does it say?" "It says..." ""we're gonna have a party."" "We're having a party." "Seeing that box and knowing Vic was inside, that was... tough." "I bet." "But Debbie picked out a real nice shirt... with... hula dancers and palm trees." "At least he'll have something to wear when he goes out dancing." "Ah, hope Thai's okay." "It's amazing." "Better taste it first." "I mean how caring you are." "Just like everybody at the meeting said." "I..." "I know how stressful funerals can be." "I figured you could use a little... comfort." "You figured right, counsellor." "I got, uh, pad thai and mee grob." "Love it." "You know what I kept thinking the whole time?" "I know it's awful, but... that could've been me." "All those people," "Michael and Brian," "Mel and Linz." "Emmett." "They could've been there for my funeral." "You know what else I was thinking?" "How much I wanted to kiss you... and bite you... and fuck you." "And suck you." "We should probably eat before it gets cold." "Better the pad thai than you." "Ted." "Mm-hm?" "I was expecting the funeral would be a disaster." "But as it turns out, your mother was well-behaved, you made a beautiful speech, and your hair looked great." "Thanks." "Didn't it seem a little strange to you how well she was holding up?" "Well, my guess is she's still in shock." "Besides, I've lost enough friends to know there's no right or wrong way to behave." "Everyone grieves in his own way and his own... time." "Jesus, do you smell that?" "Hunter?" "What the hell are you doing?" "Smoking your hidden joint." "What's it look like?" "Is that why you didn't want to come with us to my mom's?" "So you could stay here and get stoned?" "Beats the hell out of eating cold cuts and hearing stories about some old guy I hardly knew." "That old guy happened to be my uncle." "Then you go get all teary-eyed." "I prefer having a toke." "We're fostering a minor, Michael." "If they found out we had pot or any other illegal substances around the house, we could lose him." "I forgot I even had it." "Brian gave it to me for emergencies." "He obviously went snooping and found it." "Michael?" "What are you doing?" "This is an emergency." "Michael, we can't tell him not to use drugs if we do it ourselves." "Of course we can." "That's what parenting's all about." ""A surprise awaits you."" "What's yours say?" ""The man you love will slowly and sensually peel off all his clothes for you, exposing his perfect body." "Then he will take out... his beautiful dick... and you can suck it."" "This is one long fortune." "There's more." "Oh?" ""Next, he'll rim your ass to get you crazy, then ram his cock... up you and fuck you so hard you pass out."" ""...in bed."" "You're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of every fortune." "I was thinking "on the floor."" "Okay." "What?" "Nothing." "Your hand's cold." "Huh!" "I'll warm them up." "That's okay." "I'm kind of tired." "Okay." "Um... when I went to bed, it was February, and, uh, I only took one Xanax." "Shit!" "So exactly how long have I been asleep?" "Fuck!" "I can't tell if these branches are tops or bottoms." "Well, you got to ask another tree about that one." "Deb?" "Huh?" "Oh." "Can't you see?" "It's Christmas." "Christmas." "But before you call the looney-bin and have them cart me away, it's for a damn good reason." "Rodney brought me this letter Vic wrote a few years ago, at, uh, at the time we thought we were going to lose him." "It was just before Christmas." "The doctors said that, uh, it didn't look like he was going to make it." "So, in this letter, he made me promise that even if he wasn't here, he still wanted us have the most beautiful holiday ever." "But, Deb, he was here." "And... and not just for that Christmas, but for many more Christmases." "Yeah, but he's gone now." "So I say what better way to pay tribute than to have one last celebration." "That's very sweet, deb." "But aren't you a little late?" "It doesn't matter." "If somebody you love writes you a letter and asks you to do something, you got no choice but to do it." "You know, chopping down a fucking tree would've been easier." "Hey, sleepyhead." "Alarm went off 10 minutes ago." "I know." "Hmm." "Well, don't you have places to be, things to do, people to see?" "You're right." "I should get up." "Oh... ah." "First, we should relieve that morning stiffness." "Ted." "Ted." "Ted, plea... please." "Please." "What, not in the mood?" "It's not that." "I don't..." "I-I don't think we should do this any more." "What?" "Cuddle without our clothes on?" "Play "this little sex-piggy went to market"?" "Yes." "Oh." "Look, uh, Ted, please, before you start thinking it's something it's not..." "You mean, that it's me?" "It's not." "Of course." "It never is." "I should have known better." "Than to get involved?" "It was a mistake." "To fall in love?" "Have sex?" "Be close?" "Th... the program says..." "Fuck the program!" "This is my life." "I'm allowed to make my own decisions." "Yes, and as your counsellor, it's my responsibility to help you make the right ones." "Uh... you have." "You've helped me more than you know." "It's like the woman at that meeting said." "I don't know what I would've done, how I could've survived without you." "It doesn't include sleeping with you." "Then why did you?" "To make amends?" "The same reason you did." "Because I wanted to." "But it's hurting you." "Hurting me?" "How could it be hurting me?" "Because you need to focus on yourself right now." "Nothing else is important, and that includes me." "The fucking asshole tripped me." "Then he lied, said it was an accident." "What, so you hit him?" "Got to stand up for yourself." "Yeah, and what if he'd made you bleed?" "Everyone would need to know you're positive." "Is that what you want?" "Yeah." "That's exactly what I want." "Look, you've been doing great, better than anyone expected." "Proving what?" "That hustlers not only can give expert head, they can even write a book report?" "No, that's not what I meant." "So why would you fuck it up?" "As if it matters what I get on my S.A.T. Scores, or if I'm a national merit scholar, since I'm going to end up in a box like Vic." "Whoa." "Okay, look." "Not long ago, the person who infected me died." "You knew him?" "Yeah." "And you didn't kill him?" "He was my ex-lover." "Shit." "You can't trust anyone." "The point is, afterwards, I did some pretty self-destructive things." "Like what?" "Like taking steroids, because I thought they'd make me healthier." "But they only did more harm than good." "And it didn't change the fact that I still have this thing inside of me, same as you, but... no matter how scared or angry we are, we can't self-destruct, we can't let it sabotage our lives." "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about." "Dude, I told you." "The guy tripped me, that's all." "All right." "Well, that's all it was." "Come on, let's..." "let's go home." "Found Donner and Blitzen." "Want me to help round them up?" "Thanks, honey." "I got the herd under control." "Holy Christ!" "The crèche scene." "Thanks for reminding me." "Been a long time since you've seen those, huh?" "Huh, he used to love 'em." "Every year he'd say, "Where the weindeer, ma?"" "'Cause every year we'd put 'em up on the roof." "Then Vic got sick." "But this year, we're going all the way, just like we used to." "Well, I'll leave you to your weindeer." "W-where are you going?" "Christmas shopping." "There're only 310 days left." "Ma?" "Ma." "I must've gone up and down these stairs 20 times today." "I think it's really nice what you're doing for Uncle Vic, but don't wear yourself out." "Oh, I'm fine, honey." "Well, at least let me help you." "No, it's okay." "Well, I'm happy to..." "I already got it." "Michael, would you just let go?" "I don't want your goddamn help!" "Ma..." "I-I just have to do this." "All of it by myself, okay?" "But why?" "Because it was Vic's last request." "And if I do all of it perfectly, the way he would've wanted, then maybe..." "It just has to be right, that's all." "Okay?" "Nothing can go wrong." "Does no one respect privacy any more?" "Is it all but a forgotten right?" "Gus has been saying "dada" all day." "So he's developed a sudden interest in German surrealism." "I think he means you." "Try to be amusing." "He's been an enfant terrible all day." "Oh, what's that?" "Want to watch that?" "Boop." "Do you see the... pretty boy, Gus?" "He not only knew how to live... he also knew when to die." "No." "Mm-hm." "No die..." "No seeing himself... get old and gross." "Seeing himself gradually decompose, no "diapers revisited"." "He went out in a blaze of glory, both balls intact." "Isn't he a little young for James Dean?" "Well, you don't want him watching teletubbies, do you?" "It might make him gay." "You know, in your own weird, subversive way, you're not a bad father." "Well, I prefer to see myself as the anti-dad." "Well, whatever you are." "If you'd like to spend more time with him, all you have to do is ask." "I think I'll stick to my un-credited cameo appearances." "You know, one day in the not-too-distant future, we'll be watching him graduate from school." "Then I imagine he'll meet a lovely young girl... or boy." "Get married, maybe." "Have grandchildren, maybe." "Oh, you really know how to kill a moment, don't you?" "Don't worry." "I'm sure you'll be the hottest, handsomest anti-grandpa ever." "...Instead he's joined the pantheon of celebrities who will be remembered as being forever young and unspoiled by time." "And on top of everything else, you have to get suspended." "It's not like I called in a bomb threat or went on a shooting spree." "That's not the point, smartass!" "I've got enough shit to worry about without having to worry about you too." "So stop worrying." "I will worry as much as I goddamn well please." "What the hell were you thinking?" "I wasn't thinking anything." "Obviously." "You are not excused." "I'm not going to sit here and get yelled at." "Then quit acting like an idiot." "Michael, stop." "Well, that's all we need, for him to get into trouble." "Go to your room." "Go on." "He's got to understand he can't go around picking fights." "And you can't coddle him." "I wasn't coddling him." "What he can use is some discipline." "What he can use is some understanding." "Look, I know you've got a lot to deal with, but so does he." "It's not his uncle who just died." "It's not his mother who's gone around the bend." "No, but he's the one who is 16, who's positive, who's dealing with an HIV-related death for the first time." "Try to imagine how terrifying that must be." "So if he's acting out right now, it's because he's scared shitless." "I'm sorry." "I didn't even think about it." "Why should you?" "You don't have it." "Hey, look who it is!" "Teddy-boy." "Where the fuck have you been?" "Doing the circuit?" "Yeah." "We're going over to Dr. C's later." "Hot, hot, hot!" "You wanna come, cum, cum?" "Ah..." "No thanks, guys." "But I was wondering... that is, uh... if you have, you know... a little tina?" "Thanks." "Special one-time offer." "The first hit's on me." "He's never turned me down before." "I have to admit, it doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and feel ambivalent about." "Gotta go." "Maybe I'm getting too old for him." "Maybe it's the hair." "Honey, I love the hair." "And if you're too old, the rest of us should be in assisted care." "Then what?" "Maybe you're in a slump." "It happens in the best of non-relationships." "Try spicing it up." "But there's nothing, and practically no one, we haven't done." "All it takes is a couple of new ingredients to perk up an old familiar dish." "He is hot." "Uh-huh." "Thought you might like a long, hard night after a long, hard day." "Um... you know, I just remembered, I... left something at the office." "Brian." "I want you to wear something nice to the party." "That new sweater we got you." "It's a special occasion, and she'll want us to look our best." "And if there's time after school to get a haircut..." "You done with my makeover?" "Yeah, I'm done." "Good." "Because I'm not going." "The least you could do is try and make an appearance." "I don't do the Santa ride, especially when it's not even fucking Christmas." "It's important to her to respect Vic's wishes." "So what's she going to do when I croak?" "Throw me an Easter egg hunt?" "You're not going to croak." "You're going to be around for a long, long time." "How do you know?" "Answer me." "I don't." "Then don't fucking say it." "That's why it's important that we all live in the now, like Ben says." "That's awesome advice, dude." "Ben's Buddhist bullshit has really inspired me." "Well, I'd better get a move on, before I run out of "now"." "Hey." "Hey, hey!" "You don't have to go if you don't want to." "Come on." "Who is it?" "The ghost of Christmas past." "Season's greetings." "Trying to get in the spirit for Vic's, uh... never mind." "I just stopped by to tell you that I, uh, read your letter." "Oh, you did?" "A few times, actually." "It was very well-written." "And fabulous stationery." "Oh yeah, I-I got it at that little store you turned me on to." "You know, where you got your business cards done." "Oh, I love that store." "And that cute British guy, Morgan, who runs it?" "Yeah." "He's a hottie, isn't he?" "I've always been such a silly slut for that accent." "You know, one "cheerio" and my legs are up pointing north." "Um, yeah, the... the letter." "Uh..." "So I, uh..." "I read it and..." "Wait a minute." "You gave the letter back to me." "I ditched it." "Luckily for both of us, um, Blake retrieved it and, um, gave it back to me." "I, uh... didn't know he did that." "Well, I'm..." "I'm, uh..." "I'm glad he did, 'cause to tell you the truth... there was a part of me that... didn't want you to recover." "Wanted you to be in pain, felt like you deserved it." "Pretty cunty, huh?" "Not really." "I felt the same way myself." "Anyway, um... gotta hand it to him." "He's a damn good counsellor." "And a... and a damn good friend to care about you that much." "You're lucky to have him." "Well, Teddy, I, uh..." "I just wanted to wish you the best." "You look like you could use a blow job." "I'll settle for a joint." "I suddenly feel a preponderance of death." "Isn't that a play by Arthur Miller?" "It's an unsettling observation by Michael Novotny." "Everywhere I turn, I'm... confronted with the inevitable fact of one's mortality." "Death can really hang you up the most." "I don't mean just Vic." "Ben and Hunter." "Man, it's a... a horrible thing to say." "I don't even like to think it, but... they could die just like him... and I'd be the one left to pack up their stuff and turn out the lights." "Just because they're positive doesn't mean they're going to be the first to go." "Hell, it could be you." "You could step out in the street... get hit... by a Mercedes Kompressor." "So much classier than a bus." "Thanks." "Go down to the post office to buy a stamp..." "Get blown away by a disgruntled postal worker." "In case you haven't noticed, these days, they're all disgruntled." "I just..." "I just get scared at the thought of being alone." "It's how we all came in." "It's how we're all going out." "Yeah, but until then, I'd..." "I'd prefer at least the illusion that someone else will be there, if only temporarily." "Believe what you want, but... the less you have to hold onto, the easier it is to let go." "Maybe so." "Still, I'm glad I have you." "Who said anything about me?" "Well... it's nice to know that no matter what happens, we'll always have each other, like we always have." "Right?" "Need a lift?" "Uh, hey." "It's okay." "I don't have that far to walk." "Getting cold." "Feels like snow." "Thanks anyway." "Please?" "Look, uh..." "Ted, I already tried to explain to you." "I don't know what else to tell you." "Then let me talk, okay?" "Look, after you told me you didn't want to see me any more..." "I said it wasn't a good idea for us to see each other." "Right." "I was so upset, you know what I did?" "No." "Dr. C's finest." "Good price too." "Shit." "But after walking it around," "I did a little accounting and I figured, doing this would put me back in the minus column." "This time, maybe permanently." "So I decided to pass." "A wise decision." "Look, when we first met..." "I fell in love because you needed me to take care of you." "This time, I fell in love because I needed you to take care of me, and you have." "In fact, I wouldn't even be standing here right now if it wasn't for you." "And I am so sorry... if I was too selfish and too horny to see it." "Th-th-thank you..." "Ted." "So where does that leave us?" "I... besides being stuck with lousy timing once again." "Yeah, we do seem to have that, don't we?" "Maybe one day, the timing will be right." "Huh, you think?" "One can hope." "Oh... just in case you get tempted." "What do you know." "It's snowing." "I can't believe you're taking off." "Flight 18." "Barcelona and Madrid." "Care to help me practice my Spanish?" "Como esta usted?" "I'm fine, thank you, but you must be demented." "It's one of those spontaneous sort of things." "And how are we supposed to... spontaneously sort of cover for you while you're tanning your ass?" "You have meetings with Remson, Brown, Eyeconics." "They can wait." "They can all wait until I get back." "And when are you coming back?" "I'll let you know." "Huh, I have worked for you for five years, and I've never known you to just take off." "So why now, when you've just opened up your own firm, would you suddenly decide that..." "Well, that's the point of being your own boss, isn't it?" "Make your own hours, come and go as you please, not answer to anyone." "Almost anyone." "Ah, the ball and chain." "Cynthia... would you excuse us?" "Be sure to eat plenty of fresh fruit and drink lots of tap water." "Where are you going?" "Ibiza." "I'm leaving tonight." "Without me?" "Well, you're going back to school, remember?" "And it would be highly irresponsible of me to just pull you out." "Fuck school." "Fuck the bet." "Fuck you." "I mean, we're supposed to go together." "We're not fucking married!" "And I don't need to get your fucking permission if I want to go somewhere." "You're right." "You're absolutely right." "We have no obligation to tell each other anything." "Look, if I did something or said something to piss you off, I didn't mean to." "It's not you." "Then what is it?" "Then what?" "Okay." "You go do whatever you have to do for whatever reason you have to do it." "I just want you to know I love you." "And I'll be here when you get back." "Deck the halls with boughs of holly" "Rockin' around the Christmas tree Have a happy holiday" "Everyone dancing merrily In the new old-fashioned way" "Thank you." "I always knew that Shanda Leer would be back on her heels again." "You can't keep a good drag queen down." "So is it true gentlemen prefer blondes?" "I don't know about gentlemen, but dirty old men sure do." "Even better." "I keep thinking, I can hardly wait for all the after-Christmas sales." "Then I remember it isn't Christmas." "Deb really went all out." "How about those elves in leather harnesses in the front yard?" "That was Uncle Vic's idea." "Help yourself." "Try the Santa one." "It was Vic's favourite." "When he was a kid, he used to bite the head off." "I wish he were here now to share these with us." "Who's to say he isn't?" "So let him see you smile." "Go." "Want some?" "Oh, actually, I hate eggnog." "Ah, me too." "Somehow, I feel obligated." "Well." "One nice thing about celebrating Christmas off-season... the rates are cheaper?" "You get to be reminded again to love your fellow man." "Merry Christmas, Em." "You too, Teddy." "Can I have everybody's attention, please?" "Everybody, come on in." "This year, Christmas has come a little early, or a little late, depending on how you look at it." "But, uh, either way it's here." "And, um, that's 'cause that's the way Vic would've wanted it, to have all his friends celebrating his favourite holiday... and him." "Hear, hear." "So now, time to add the finishing touch to the festivities." "Every year, Vic and I used to fight about who gets to put the angel on the tree." "Usually he won, 'cause..." "I let him." "But now... this year, baby brother..." "I'm doing it, in your honour." "Careful, ma." "If I can climb up on top of a roof, I can climb up on top of a fuckin' chair." "No." "No!" "It had to be perfect." "Ma..." "No, it had to be perfect!" "It had to be perfect!" "Okay, Mr. Kinney, relax and count backwards from 10." "10... 9..." "8..." "Moo!"