"Mr Victor Albert is the greatest operatic composer living today." " You make it clear, signor." " Don't interrupt." "As his personal manager, I must be sure that everything is ready for his arrival." "I will make doubly sure." "Enrico?" "Make sure that everyone has their costumes and prepare them for inspection immediately." "Nothing must go wrong with our plans." "Not only have I rented every room here but I've provided the most beautiful Tyrolean costumes." "Every employee with whom Mr Victor Albert comes into contact must create the proper atmosphere." "Mr Albert's Tyrolean opera is to be his masterpiece." " Do I make myself clear?" " Si, signor." "We will do all we possibly can to make the maestro comfortable." "Excuse me, signor." "Mr Albert's wife, she's coming too?" "No!" "Absolutely no." "The maestro is to be alone." " How far are we from Pontresina?" " About 50km, monsieur." " And to the top of the mountain?" " Two more kilometres to the hotel." "(Practising scales)" "Everybody!" "# La la la la la la la la la" "# Laaaaaa #" " You like it?" " That's fine, Luigi." "Now, let me see your costume." " Me?" " Certainly." "Why?" "I am the manager." "I said that everyone must wear a costume." "Even me." "# To the... (Voice cracks) #" " (Giggling)" " Quiet!" "Er...monsieur." "Yes, what is it, Joseph?" "You've, er, forgotten your trousers." "These are trousers." "Tyrolean trousers!" " My hat, Joseph." " Yes, monsieur." "And remember, Joseph... no one is to know that I am here." "No one." " Especially my wife." " Yes, monsieur." "(Yodelling)" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho # Yo-ho # ln Swiss that's good morning to you" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho" "# How are you?" "What's happening?" "What's new?" "# The birds sing a song as they wing through the sky" "# We're happy to see you" "# You're good for the eye" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho # ln Swiss that's good morning" "# To you" "# Early this morning I rose with the sun" "# Happy at finding the day had begun" "# Happy to take what the world had to give" "# Happy to laugh and to love and to live" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho # ln Swiss that's good morning to you" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho" "# How are you?" "What's happening?" "What's new?" "# The birds sing a song as they wing through the sky" "# We're happy to see you" "# You're good for the eye" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho # ln Swiss that's good morning" "# To you #" "Whoa." "(Silence)" "(Ringing)" "Mousetraps." "(Operatically) # Mousetraps #" "Say, why don't we try in here?" "Well, that's a very good thought." "Psst." "Why, good morning, madam." "Could we interest you in a mousetrap?" " What kind?" " Any." "We have the latest inventions." " Yes, we have..." " l'll handle this." " You will handle what?" " Good morning!" " We'll show you our latest mousetraps." " We don't want any." " Oh, let's take a look at one." " We don't want to look at any." "If I want to look at a mousetrap, I will." "I said no." "I said yes." "I said no." "Don't you dare hit my husband." "That goes for you, too." "Oh, mama, that was nice of you." "Now, if you want to look at a mousetrap, look at one." "Oh, papa!" "Mama changed her mind." "We don't wanna look at no mousetraps." "Well, this is your idea." "Coming all the way from America to Switzerland to sell mousetraps." "Whatever gave you that idea?" "I thought there'd be more mice here." "And why should there be more mice here than any place in the world?" "Don't they make more cheese here?" "Do you realise we've been here two weeks and haven't sold one mousetrap" " and we're flat broke?" " We're what?" "We're flat broke." "Does that mean we haven't any money?" " You know what the trouble is, don't you?" " No." "What?" "We're not going to the right places." "What do you mean?" "Suppose you were a mouse and you wanted something to eat, where would you go?" "I'd go where there was cheese, of course." "That's the idea." "Where there's cheese, there's mice." "I still don't know what you mean." "Why don't we go to the cheese factories to sell them?" "Let me give that a little thought." "You take the two small ones in and come back and help me with the big one." "Don't go away, we've got something to show you." "Stay here." "All right." "Look!" "Look what you do to my cheese!" "What are you trying to do?" "Wreck my place of business?" "(Shouting incoherently)" "Just a moment, just a moment." "Pardon this odd intrusion, we really meant no harm." "Don't get yourself a-flutter, there's no need for alarm." "We're selling something that you need so won't you listen, please." "We'll rid your place of all the mice and we'll also save your cheese." " Won't we?" " Save my cheese?" " Yes, sir." " (Shopkeeper) Cosi." "Fix me a hole." "You put this trap in a conspicuous place." "What you are making holes in my floor for?" "The mouse has to have someplace to get in." "Maybe so." "What's that cork for?" "That's so the mouse can't get out." "What you are making another hole in my floor for?" "That's because a mouse never comes out of the same hole twice." "Oh, is that so?" "Emile, come here." "Shh, shh." "Excuse, please." "Why don't we make a lot of holes?" "It'll save time." "That's a good idea. I'll help you." "What are those men doing to our floor?" "They are trying to sell me mousetraps." "Don't you waste any good money on mousetraps." "Who's wasting good money?" "Here's where l get rid of those no-good Bovanian francs." "Ja!" "I go get it for you." "Hurry up." "(Hissing)" "See what it is." "Should we go downstairs and get some fire and put the water out..." "I mean..." "The fire is out." "For once in your life you've acted with impunity." " Now I've an idea." " (Both) You've an idea?" "I'll buy your whole business for 5,000 gule." "Why, you being so generous, we'll throw in our mule." "You can't do that, don't be such a fool." " That's my idea." " lt's a splendid idea." "It's just an idea of my own." "# lt's just an idea" "# A splendid idea # lt's a just an idea of my own" "# (Very deep voice) Won't you" "# Roll dem" "# Bones #" " How about some dessert?" " Uh-uh." " Waiter." " Yes, sir?" "Bring me a large slice of apple pie and a demitasse." "Yes, sir." "And you, sir?" " l'll have..." "What?" " What will you have, sir?" " l'll try some of that demitasse." " Yes, sir." " And bring me a cup of coffee, too." " Yes, sir." "I hope everything is of your satisfaction." " l'm too full for words." " Splendid." "Chi assaggia il nostro cibo, ritorna, as they say in Swiss." "Sorry, sir, there is no apple pie." " No apple pie?" " No, sir." "Just what kind of a hotel is this?" "I am sorry." "Maybe we have some other kind you would like?" "No, sir. I have my mouth all set for apple pie." " Send the chef to me at once." " Yes, sir." " l will go to the bottom of this." " See that you do." "What is the meaning?" "Why no apple pie?" "Yes, what is the meaning?" " What do you say?" " Don't stand there like a jackass!" "Why isn't there apple pie?" "Why don't you tell him?" "He's got his face upset for it." "Say something!" "Let me tell you something." "I've had better chefs than you discharged for not having apple pie." "Absolutely." "He shall be released if he cannot tell why no apple pie." "Make apple pie." "Make lots of apple pie!" "Yes!" "Make a hundred apple pies." "And make me an apple dumpling." "You numbskull." "Yeah, and that goes for him, too." "I am sorry to cause you this inconvenient." "I promise it never will happen again." "Aw, just skip it." "Bring me the bill." "Waiter, the bill." "Take it out of that and bring me the change in American currency - large denominations." "That is some funny joke." "You Americans give always to me a sense of humour." "Now stop the monkey business and give me some real money that I can pay the bill." "What do you mean?" "You've got 5,000 francs in that bill." "They are no good in this country." " Well, where are they good?" " ln Bovania." "Maybe we'd better go to Bovania." "Where is Bovania?" "There is no such place." "What are we going to do about it?" "What are you going to do?" "You are going to pay the bill." "That's all the money we've got." "Questa é una truffa ben regolata!" "Don't drink that coffee!" "You come with me, come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Put that down!" "What do you think has happened?" "After so much fuss about the apple pie they cannot pay the bill so I put them to work." "You will tell them what to do." "And if they break any dishes - for every dish they break, work another day." "Both of you!" "Go ahead." "So, you bragged about discharging better chefs than me?" "Didn't you?" "There are no better chefs than me." "Are there?" "!" "Are there?" "You remember what the boss said." "For every dish you break, you'll work an extra day." "Hold it." "Catch!" "Come on." "One day, two days." "By the time you leave this place the grey hairs of your beards will be trailing on this kitchen floor." "(Chirping)" "Edward!" "Edward!" "Where in the name..." "Coming, sir." "Edward, what's making that noise in my head?" "I'm sure I don't know, sir." "Can't you hear it?" "Listen." "(Chirping)" "Bless your heart, sir." "That's not in your head, that's a cricket." " A cricket?" " Yes, sir." " The cricket song." " That's not bad, sir." "Not bad at all." "# Hear the cricket" "# Singing merrily all day long" "# Click, click, click hear the cricket" "# Yea, it is verily quite a song" "# He seems to know what is due from him" "# Each tune is new from him" "# Let's take a cue from him" "# With a click, click, click" "# Hear the cricket" "# Singing merrily all day long" "# Put a click, click, click in your song" "# Hear the cricket" "# Singing merrily all day long" "# Hear the cricket" " (Honks horn) - # Singing merrily... #" "How can I compose with that infernal racket?" "Stop it!" "# Click, click, click, hear the cricket" "# Singing merrily all day long" "# Click, click, click, hear the cricket # lt is verily quite a song" "# He seems to know what is due from him" "# Each tune is new from him" "# Let's take a cue from him" "# With a click, click, click" "# Hear the cricket" "# Singing merrily all day long" "# Put a click, click, click in your song" "# Ah-ah ah-ah ah..." "(All) # He seems to know what is due from him" "# Each tune is new from him" "# Let's take a cue from him" "# With a click, click, click # Ah-ah ah-ah ah... #" "# Hear the cricket" "# Singing merrily all day long" "# Put a click, click, click" "# A-ha # ln your" "# A-ha # Song!" "#" "(# The Cricket Song)" "(Engine splutters outside) I won't have it!" "I'll not be interrupted." "Not even by me, Victor?" "Darling!" "Oh, my darling." "What are you doing here?" " Aren't you happy to see me?" " Why did you follow me?" "But, darling, I am your wife." "Don't you remember?" "Edward, will you please introduce me to my husband?" "Certainly." "Edward!" "(Clears throat) I beg your pardon." "Why is it you run away from me and why the disguise?" "This is not a disguise." "This costume is to get me into the mood to write my greatest operetta." " ln those fancy pants?" "!" " These are not fancy pants," " they're Tyrolean trousers." " Darling, I don't understand." "You write your greatest music with me and the critics have all acclaimed you." "The critics have acclaimed me?" "!" "That's good." "Just listen to what the Vienna Journal says." "Read this." "Never mind, I'll read it." ""Anna Hoefel's singing is divine." ls my music mentioned?" "No." ""Anna Hoefel's new operetta is a sensation." "PS - the composer is Victor Albert."" "Well, we're a success." "We're a success?" "You're a success. I'm a "PS"." "But that's all over now." "This is one time the critics won't be blinded by your lovely voice." "You're-You're going home a-and you're going to stay there." "My home is with you." "With you beside me I could never compose music about an unsophisticated girl that a peasant could fall in love with." "And a peasant could not fall in love with me?" "A peasant fall in love with you?" "Imagine a peasant falling in love with a prima donna!" "He'd be scared to death." "is that so?" "I suppose you think I..." "Now, now, now, darling, please." "Please." "You go back to Vienna and leave me in this peaceful atmosphere where l can compose undisturbed, huh?" "All right. I'll go back to Vienna." "You go ahead with your foolishness but at the last moment don't come crying to me to sing your...your masterpiece!" "Peaceful!" "Permit me, madam." " There you are." " Thank you." " The pleasure's all mine." " And mine." " At least the help is courteous." " Well, we can't help being help." "We're American gentlemen temporarily embarrassed." " We wash dishes." " Gentlemen who wash dishes?" "It's purely temporary. it happened like this." "Pardon the whispering." "..when the check came, we didn't have any money." " What?" " l told her we had to stay here till we get some money to get out." " What for?" " Well..." "None of your business!" "Do you mean you have to stay in this hotel because you couldn't pay for your dinner?" "Absolutely." "I'll take a double order of everything on the menu." "Everything is going to be lovely." "Everything is going to be fine." " Take it." " Yes, sir." "Take it." "Take it." "Here!" "Put them all back." "And keep marking till I tell you to stop." "Come on now." "Go on." "(Music and laughter)" "How often o they fill those barrels?" "Every time they become empty." " What's on your mind?" " Huh?" "What's on your mind?" "Nothing." "That brandy is put there for a humane purpose and anyone that would stoop so low as to touch it without a just cause should be shot." "He certainly should." "Do they save people in the summertime, too?" "No." "Only when it snows." "Huh." "Hey, fatty, come with me." "I got some work for you inside." "What does that guy think I am?" " Calling me fatty." " Why don't you tell him?" "For two pins I'd go in and punch that monkey on the nose." " l certainly would." " l'll be right in." "And ano..." "(Growls)" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Help." "Help!" "I'm exhausted." "Oh!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help." "Oh!" "Oh, help!" "I'm exhausted. I..." "Help!" "Help!" "I'm freezing to death." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "(Piano playing, Victor humming)" "# l only know you're mine to love" "# You..." "# You give a new design to love" "# Be still my heart, be still" "# We haven't lived until" "# This moment with its thrill of lo... #" "Take off that silly costume and get out of this hotel." "I'm afraid that's impossible." " And this costume isn't silly." " lt is." " lt isn't!" " lt is!" "Then why do you demand that the hotel staff dress this way?" " That has nothing to do with you." " Oh, yes it has." "The manager insisted that I wear this." "What are you talking about?" "Don't you think I make a pretty chambermaid?" "No, I don't." "That costume isn't fooling anybody." "I am sorry, sir, but I haven't the time to argue." " l must finish my duties." " l'll not have you interfering with my work!" " Edward!" " Coming, sir." "I was just observing, sir..." "Why, Miss Hoefel, how charming." "You look perfect for our new operetta." "Oh, you idiot!" "Can't you see this is one of her tricks?" "This hotel isn't big enough for the two of us." "Order the manager to get rid of her." " Well..." " What are you waiting for?" "What a tasty morsel for the Vienna newspapers." "I can see the headlines! "Famous composer has wife thrown out of hotel."" " You wouldn't dare." " You leave me no alternative." "I am at your mercy." "Oh!" "This is all your fault." "Get me a place where l can work in peace away from everybody." "You, too!" "Me, too?" "I..." "I..." "Well?" "Well?" "Well?" "Why don't you give up this crazy idea and stop acting like a musician?" "Oh, I'm crazy, am I?" "Just because I want to fulfil an ambition that does not include you." "Victor, you are getting one of your spells." "You'll be foaming at the mouth soon and biting people." "And you're the first one I'll bite." "If you do, I'll bite you right back." " Yes!" " Ah!" "I've just seen the manager and it's all arranged..." "What's arranged?" "A quiet place where you can work and nobody can disturb you." " Out there." " Where?" "Out there, sir." "The tree house!" "Perfect." "Have my piano sent up there." "It's being taken care of right now, sir." "The men'll be right up." "Stan." "Stan." "(Hiccups)" "(Hiccups) Ollie..." " What?" " l ought to be shot." " What is it you wish?" " We've come to move the piano." "Oh, yes." " l believe this is yours." " Oh, thank you." " You're welcome, your ladyship." " A chambermaid!" "(Laughing) "l believe this is yours."" ""You're welcome, your ladyship."" "(Ollie, clapping loudly) Psst!" "(Hiccups)" "Come over here and help me push it." "Are you afraid of me?" " Why, no, ma'am." " No?" " No." " Do you like me?" "Well...yes, ma'am." "You do?" "And you, you too?" "No, no, no, no." "I mean you." "Close the door." "(Screaming and yelling)" "(Whistles)" "See what that is." "Wait a minute!" "Come here." " See if it's safe." " Huh?" "See if it's strong enough to hold us." "Well, if it's not, I'll let you know." " Say, I'm not gonna go across that bridge." " You just went across it." " Did I?" " Why, certainly." "Come on, let's get this piano across here." "Get a hold." "Take it easy." "We'll have to lift it." "Come on." "Come and get me!" "(Yelling)" "Come and get me!" "I can't hold on much longer." "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Hey!" "Come on and get me out of here." "Hey!" "Hurry!" "(Ollie panicking)" "Take it easy, take it easy now." "What happened?" "Look out. i'm gonna see if the rest of these slats are safe." "Everything's OK." "From now on it's gonna be easy sailing." "I see a monkey." " A what?" " A monkey." "Well, it doesn't surprise me a bit." "If you don't quit drinking that brandy, you'll be seeing pink elephants." "Everything ain't just all right." "Oh!" "(Ollie) Quit that!" "What are you..." "Get your foot off of my hand." "Ooh!" " Here you are." " Thank you." " Oh, please." " Yes?" " Will you tell me something?" " Yes." " Are you afraid of me?" " Afraid of you?" "No." "Why?" "Do you like me?" "Like you?" "I love you." "Ever since I see you in this hotel, my heart goes bumpety-bump." "Oh, er...you are so sweet." "Now that you've arranged everything and the piano is ruined, how am I going to work?" "I have everything under control." "There'll be a piano here in a week." "A week?" "!" "In meantime, sir, why not use the organ in the lobby?" "Excuse me." "Oh!" " Why, you dropped these." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " You're so sweet." "And I never thanked you for helping me getting into this hotel." "It was a mere nothing combined with a terrific pleasure." " Will you tell me something?" " Certainly." "If you didn't know me, wouldn't you think that I was really a peasant girl?" "I'd say I would." "The prettiest peasant girl I have ever seen." "Oh, you are sweet." "(Sighs)" "What's the matter?" "I don't know." "I know." " What?" " You're in love." " ln what?" " ln love." "L-U-G-H, love." " Am I?" " You certainly are." " How can you tell?" " lt's easy." "Look at the silly, sloppy look on your face." "Look at it." "is that what it is?" " Do you mind if I tell you something else?" " What?" "She's in love with you, too." " How do you know?" " Any dumbbell can tell that." "You know what you ought to do?" "If you play your cards right, you've got her right in the palm of your hand." "Tell me some more, Stanley." "There's nothing to tell." "All you've got to do is let her know." "But you don't understand." "This is my first love affair and I don't know how." "Why don't you do like the Gay Caviars used to do in the olden days?" " The what?" " The Caviars." "Gay Caviars!" "What did they do?" "When they were in love they used to go by the light of the moon and they used to serenade their lady fair." "But suppose she's in love with someone else?" "Faint heart ne'er won fair lady." "You're right." "(Humming happily)" "(Starts to play)" "(Silence)" "(Four notes ring out)" "(Starts playing)" "(Silence)" "(Three notes sound)" "(Plays cheerful tune)" "(Silence)" "(Three notes sound)" "(Resumes playing)" "(Silence)" "(Four notes sound)" "(Resumes playing)" "(Silence)" "(Three notes sound)" "(Resumes playing)" "(Silence)" "(Notes sound)" "(# Plays reveille)" "(Very deep note)" "(Parp)" "Hello!" "What are you doing here?" " l've brought you some dandelions." " Oh!" "Thank you." "And he's got something to tell you, too." "Haven't you?" "If you love me like I love you, I'd love you better than Irish stew." "Bo-boop-be-do." "Oh, your poetry is so very touching." " Thank you." " Yeah, I wrote that." "(Whispers)" " l wonder if you'd give me..." " Yes?" "..a chance to take you to the Alpenfest tomorrow?" " The Alpenfest?" " lt's going to be a big holiday." "Yeah." "All the countryside gathers for merrymaking." "There'll be gypsy fortune-telling, dancing and song." "I have an idea." "Will you help me?" "Yes. I'd do anything in the world for you." "Then meet here tomorrow morning at sunrise and I'll tell you my plan." " We'll be here." " All right." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Oh, Stanley." " Do you know what?" " What?" "We forgot to serenade her." "Well, let's do it now." "(Plays oompah rhythm)" "Now." "# Let me call you sweetheart # l'm in love with you" "# Let me call you sweetheart # l'm in love with you" "# Keep the love-light burning # ln your eyes so blue" "# Let me call you sweetheart # l'm in love" "# With you #" "Hey, you dumbbells." "What are you playing music at this hour for?" " We're serenading." " Serenading who?" "His sweetheart." "You know, Anna, the new chambermaid." " For what?" " He's in love with her." "And you know what?" "She's in love with him, too, isn't she?" " Uh-huh." " Look at the silly, sloppy look on his face." "Let me tell you something." "I want you to know that Anna is in love with me." "She's my girl." "She told me so this afternoon and I will let nobody to come in between." "If I ever catch you talking to her again, I'll skin you alive." "Now get out." "Go on!" "Go on!" "# l've seen the seven wonders of the world" "# And yet I can't get over the Alps" "# Oh, I'm amazed at each Dionne quintuplet # l can't get over the Alps" "# A Swiss miss was shiing down the mountain side" "# One day she went he-ing and became my bride" "# And now she sits at St Moritz and waits for me" "# But I can't get over the Alps # l've seen the seven wonders of the world" "# And yet I can't get over the Alps" "# So I'm amazed at each Dionne quintuplet # l can't get over the Alps" "# A Swiss miss was shiing down a mountain side" "# One day she went he-ing and became my bride" "# And now she sits at St Moritz and waits for me" "# But I can't get over" "# No, I can't get over" "# No, I can't get over the Alps #" "(# Landler)" "Hey, do you think anybody'll recognise us?" "Even your own brother wouldn't know you." "I haven't got a brother." "The brother that you haven't got wouldn't even know you." "Even if you are discovered, they can't do anything to you." " Certainly not." " Not much." "Remember what the chef said if he saw us again?" "He was going to skin us alive." " Don't worry." " Go ahead, please." "Ladies and gentlemen, with your kind permission we will introduce the greatest prima donna that ever trilled a cantata..." "Romany Rose!" "# lf you should read" "# Within my eyes" "# But one desire" "# Could you say no" "# To me?" "# And if my breath" "# Upon your lips" "# Should fan the fire" "# Could you say no" "# To me?" "#" "(# Passionate dance music)" "Edward, go down and bring that gypsy up to my room." "Yes, sir." " Your room, sir?" " Mm-hm." "You've never gone in for that sort of thing, sir." "Oh, no, sir!" "Tell her that I want to sign her to a contract." " Well, if that's what you call it..." " Hurry, Edward." "# lf l should feel a love" "# That only you inspire" "# Could you say no" "# To me?" "#" "I don't think Miss Anna's going to like this, sir." "Fool." "Don't you recognise her?" "That is Anna." "What?" "!" "Oh, er, come right in." " What's it say?" " lt says we can't go in there." " Well, can you beat that!" " He certainly got his..." "(Ollie humming)" "I thought I told you two not to come back here." " Who?" " You!" " You know what?" " What?" "He thinks we're us. lsn't that silly?" " We're two other fellas, aren't we?" " Certainly." "I could pick you two out of a million." "I bet you couldn't." " Bet I could." " l bet you couldn't." " Close your eyes" " All right." "I'll skin you alive." "(Telephone)" "Hello." "It's for you." "Hello." "Ooh!" "That'll hold you for a while." "Come on, Stan." "Bye." "Wait a minute!" "Let me go!" "Why don't you try the handle?" "What's the meaning of this intrusion?" "Can't my wife and I have some privacy?" "Your wife?" "How can she be your wife when she's in love with him?" "Isn't she?" "Let me tell you, gentlemen, she is my wife and always will be my wife." "I thought you told me I had her right in the palm of my hand." "Well, you did but you didn't play your cards right." "Remember, I told you..." "Oh, get out!" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho # ln Swiss that's good morning to you" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho" "# How are you?" "What's happening?" "What's new?" "# The birds sing a song as they wing through the sky" "# We're happy to see you" "# You're good for the eye" "# Yo-ho, yodel-adey, yo-ho, yo-ho # ln Swiss that's good morning to you" "# To you # # Yodel-ay-ee-ho #"