"* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear this same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out, on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Saucy flappers in cloche hats" "* Natty chappies in white spats" "* The upper set is going bats" "You rang, m'lord?" "(Clock chimes)" "(Sighs) Dad..." " Dad!" " Eh?" "It's two o'clock in the morning." "Have you woke me up just to tell me that?" "How much longer are they going to be?" "I don't know, Ivy." "They've probably gone onto the Kit Kat Club." "That's a terrible place." "I read about it in The News Of The World." "The men dress up as women and the women dress up as men." "I think you're mixing it up with the Conservative Club, Ivy." "Well, it's all very well, I've got to be up at six." "Part of the job, Ivy." "Them toffs enjoy themselves while we work all hours that God sends." "I work all the hours that God sends." "I have to get all the early morning tea trays ready before you're awake and you can have a snooze in the afternoon." "It's not right, Dad!" " Don't call me Dad." " What's it matter?" "Henry and James both know." "And we don't want anyone else to know." "You've only got this job because of your wonderful references." "You forged them!" "Precisely!" "We don't want any questions asked." "Wait here." "Don't make any noise." "The coast is clear." "Oh, Mr Teddy, in't this exciting?" "As soon as I heard that ladder outside me window and I looked down and saw you standin' at the bottom with the moonlight shining' on your monocle," "I thought "My fairy prince has come."" "It's jolly nice of you to say so." "Can your fairy prince have a kiss?" "You won't turn into a frog, will ya?" "I don't think that's awfully likely." "I demand a kiss." "My Sheik of Araby, take me in your arms and overpower me." "Oh!" " Dad, Dad!" "Dad..." " Eh?" "There's someone downstairs." "I think it's burglars." "I'll go and see." "Where are you taking me?" "To paradise." "The drawing room actually - there should be a fire there." "Have you got a free hand to deal with the knob?" "Oh!" "Oh, you are strong." "It's you, Rose - you give me the strength of ten men." "Come on, don't let him see you." "It's the Honourable Mr Teddy." " Who's he with?" " Miss Cartwright's maid, Rose." " Dad?" " What?" "!" "Why was he carrying her - has she hurt her leg?" "Very likely." "He's taking her to his bedroom to put a bandage on it, now get in the drawing room." "Mrs Lipton's got Sloane's Liniment in her bedroom." "D'you think Mr Teddy'd like to put it on Rose's leg?" "I don't think so, Ivy." "I think they're coming in 'ere." "I feel like a young bride being carried across the threshold." "I was hoping you would." "Oh!" "It's chilly in 'ere." "You lie there and I'll have a go with the bellows." "There." "That's better." "You soon brought it to life." "You're a dab hand with the bellows." "I was a boy scout." "Do boy scouts use bellows?" "We got a couple of cubs and made them blow." "I can feel the heat already." "It's coming from me." "My whole body's on fire." "From the first time I saw you, scrubbing the steps with carbolic soap, you brought to life something I thought was dead forever." " What was that?" " Passion." "Naked passion." "The next time I saw you, you were wearing your starched apron, and tipping clinkers into the dustbin." "Then there was the night I saw the light in your room and you came to the window to draw the curtains and I saw..." "I saw the straps of your camisole through my binoculars." "I don't wear a camisole." "It was my vest." "Oh, my God!" "I must have a drink." " Can I have one?" " By Jove, yes." "Here's to us, Rose." "In't it about time I went home?" "Home?" "Home?" "(Laughs)" " What did you do that for?" " Russians do it." "Are you a Russian?" "I sometimes think there's a bit of the Tartar about me." "I thought that was a sauce you put on fish." " What?" " Tartar." "No, no, no, no." "Tartars are wild tribesmen who gallop over the Steppes pillaging and carrying off girls." "Oh, that's you all over." "Look how you carried me up the back stairs." "Oh, Rose, here's to the next flight." "(Car pulls up)" "Oh!" "It's my brother." "His lordship?" "You said they were all in bed." "Quick, let's hide behind the curtains." "No, they'll probably come in here." "Quick, the dining room." "I hope they won't think I broke them glasses." "If that's how they carry on in Russia, they can't have many left." " (Bell)" " Straighten up your apron, Ivy." "(Bell)" "Good morning, Miss Cissy, Miss Poppy." "Good morning, sir." " I trust you had a pleasant evening." " Yes, but late nights are exhausting." "I know the feeling, sir." "Jerry took us all to the Silver Slipper." "It's got a glass dance floor." "Damn dangerous." " Sorry to keep you up so late, Ivy." " It's all right, Miss Cissy." " What time do you have to get up?" " Six o'clock." " Have a lie-in, Ivy." " Thank you, m'lord." "Make it 6:30." "Thank you, m'lord." "Careful how you hang up my cloak, Ivy." "Don't crease it like last time." "Wasn't my fault, Miss Poppy." "Don't argue." "Oh, James, I've never seen you in your pyjamas and dressing gown before." "I was aroused by the sound of breaking glass." "I've never seen you aroused before either." "You must've been dreaming, James." "You may return to bed." " Stokes?" " M'lord?" "Come in here." "What's all this glass in the fireplace?" "I think Mr Teddy had a slight mishap, m'lord." "He left our party hours ago." "Said he was going to bed." "That was his intention, wasn't it, Ivy?" "Er, yes, it was." "I 'eard glass breaking." "We got burglars?" "How dare you appear before his lordship in your night attire - return to your room at once, Henry." " What are you doing with that?" " I was gonna hit 'em with it." "You do not hit burglars with his lordship's ornaments." "I'll remember that, Mr Twelvetrees." "I'm having a brandy and soda." "Poppy?" " I'll have a stiff one." " Oh, there's no soda." "There's some in the dining room." " I'll get it, miss Cissy." " Don't worry." "You buzz off to bed." " Dad!" " Nothing to do with us, Ivy." " (Rose screams)" " Good God!" " What's that?" " We have got burglars." "Thank you." "Teddy!" " This is Rose." " Rose?" "Miss Cartwright's maid, sir." "How dare you, Teddy!" "And in front of the servants!" "I'm over 21 ." "I'll do what I bally-well like." "Not in my house." "James, take this girl back to where she came from." "Yes, m'lord." "Henry, take Rose downstairs while I dress." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "The rest of you, go to bed." "I'll see you in my study in the morning." "Ivy, can you ever forgive me?" "Pardon?" "I said I was in love with you but I've fallen in love with Rose." "Oh, that's quite all right." "You're a good egg." "Ooh, could you do me a little favour?" " It depends what it is." " Have you got another pair of glasses?" "I'd like to see what Rose looks like in them." "Sorry, I've only got these." "Oh, hang." "They're a rum lot these gentry, aren't they?" "Don't you worry, Ivy, their days are numbered." "(Parrot) Come in." "(Woman) Oh, shut up." "Come in!" "(Parrot) Shut up." "Come in." "I brought your breakfast, Lady Lavender." "Ah, I put that there to remind me it was empty." "Hurry up and eat your breakfast." "You've got the doctor coming to see you this morning." "They're trying to prove I'm potty, you know." "Oh, how awful." "You don't think I'm potty, do you?" "No, of course not." " Potty, potty, potty." " Oh, shut up." "They're after my money but they're not going to get it because they don't know where it is." "It's under the bed." "At least it was last night." "Have a look and see if it's still there." "There's a lot of stuff under 'ere." "What's this?" "It's a mongoose." "It keeps the snakes away." "But it's stuffed." "The snakes don't know that." "The money's in a small portmanteau." "Got it." " Open it." " Yes, Lady Lavender." "(Parrot) Pieces of eight, pieces of eight." "Shut up." "That's the trouble with parrots, you never know where they're from." "I've never seen so much money in me life!" "I started counting it last night but I fell asleep at L9,486 14 shillings and ninepence." "I tell you what - we'll count it all over again." "There's no time." "I've got my work to do and you've got to eat your breakfast." "Oh, all right then." "Put it away, we'll do it later." "I want you to give me a solemn promise that you won't say a word to a living soul about the money." "Of course I won't." "Cross me heart and hope to die." "Will there be anything else?" "No, that's all, thank you, Ethel, you may go." "Well, I'll leave you in peace then." "Why are you cringing?" "You think I'm going to throw something at you, don't you?" "Well, you do as a rule." " You're quite safe, I promise you." " Oh, good." "Fooled you!" "I had my fingers crossed." "Dirty dishes coming down, Mr Twelvetrees." "Thank you, Mr Stokes." " Pull down the dirty dishes, Henry." " Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." " Take them over to Mabel, Henry." " Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Oh, yes, bring 'em over 'ere." "That's all I'm 'ere for." " Morning all." " Morning, Constable Wilson." "Will there be a cup of your excellent tea going, Mrs Lipton?" "Just brewing up." "You're early this morning." " I've gotta be in court at 1 1 ." " Nothing serious I hope." "I apprehended a bookie's runner taking bets yesterday." "He offered me ten bob to let him off." "Ho, I should coco." "Usually get a pound, don't ya?" "Hold your tongue, Henry." "Sit yourself down, Constable Wilson." "You finished up the cherry cake last night if my memory serves me right." "Don't worry, she's got one in the oven." "Here's another tea tray." "It's Miss Cissy's." "Miss Cissy's?" " You didn't stop long, did you?" " No." "Here you are, Mabel." "And still they come." "I'll bet, when I go to heaven I'll have to do the washing-up." "I'm sure they've got a big machine to do it up there." "I bet I'll have to turn the 'andle." "Did Lady Lavender like her breakfast, Ivy?" "She chucked the porridge at me but I didn't wait for the rest." "Ivy, I'd like a word with you in private." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Oh, dear, is Ivy in hot water?" "Now, Ivy, I want to talk to you about your father." " Who?" " Mr Stokes." "Wake up, girl." "He did not tell his lordship when you were engaged that you were his issue." " His what?" " His daughter." "Also, you did not reveal that you had not been in domestic service before, did you?" " No." " That was very underhand of you, Ivy." "I know." "When I said me prayers I asked God to forgive me and I think he did, cos He does that sort of thing, doesn't He?" "Yes, I think he does." "You're a good girl and you try very hard." "I will not reveal your identity, providing you do your work properly." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Attend to your duties diligently and mind your Ps and Qs." "Why are you staring at me like that, girl?" "I was concentrating on what you were saying." "Good, now go about your duties..." "and close your mouth." "You're early today, Constable." "Been investigating a few murders?" "Early this morning I was called out to investigate a ladder propped up against a house down the street." "That's Miss Cartwright's house." "Our Mr Teddy's been up to his tricks again." " With Miss Cartwright?" " No, her maid, Rose." "I had to escort her home." "In that case, least said, soonest mended." "That's what you always say, isn't it, Mrs Lipton?" "I've heard about that girl, Rose." "If you ask me, she's no better than she should be." "Last night she narrowly escaped being worse than she was." "That Mr Teddy's a monster." "No woman's safe." "He ought to have it cut off." "What d'you mean?" "His allowance, Ivy." "He ought to be made to work for a living." "The devil finds work for idle hands." "What could he do?" "He could come down 'ere and do some washing-up for a start." "Don't be ridiculous, Mabel." "You cannot have a gentleman working in a kitchen." "Where will it all end?" "I'll tell you where it will all end - in revolution." "With things as they are, workers will have to take to the streets and fight for what's due to 'em." "That's right, Mr Stokes, you tell 'em." "The tumbrels'll roll like they did in France." "It upsets me, that sort of talk." "I quite agree." "Get on with the washing-up, Mabel." "If that's how you feel, I suggest you go do the washing-up in Russia." "You won't have many glasses to do." " (Knock on door)" " Come in." "I've shown the professor to Lady Lavender's room, sir." "Oh, good." " Did she throw anything at him?" " Not up to the time I left, sir." "I'm afraid she's becoming a bit of a problem to us all." "We are aware of this below stairs, m'lord." "We were led to understand that the previous specialist she saw said that she was completely sane." "Yes, that's why we've called in another one." "Anybody can tell she's not quite plumb." "Her bank manager rang me yesterday to say she'd drawn all her money out of the bank in cash." " Cash?" " Mm." "Pound notes...in a suitcase." " What has she done with it, sir?" " I presume she's got it in her room." "Would you like me to conduct a search, sir?" "Certainly not." "I couldn't be a party to that sort of thing." "Not today, anyway." "And on top of it all there's that sordid business with my brother last night." "Most unfortunate, sir." "I wish he'd settle down and get married." "I suppose all the servants are gossiping?" "Very sympathetically, m'lord." "The general opinion is that Mr Teddy should undertake some form of work to take his mind off his problems." "You're absolutely right, but unfortunately, he can't do anything." "I mean, who'd have him?" "Could you not find a position in one of your enterprises, sir?" "Not a bad idea, Stokes." "I have given it some thought." " Ah, that'll be all, Stokes." " Very good, sir." "I was expecting you here half an hour ago." "What a bally cheek!" "I'm not a schoolboy, you're not my housemaster." "I'm sorry, Teddy, as head of the family" "I cannot allow this conduct of yours to go on any longer." "Either you take proper treatment and marry Madge Cartwright or you leave the country." "I don't want to marry Madge Cartwright." "I want to marry her maid." "Then you have to leave the country." "Where can I go?" "One of our rubber plantations in Malaya." "I know nothing about rubber." "It's perfectly simple - you make holes in the little trees, the rubber stuff drops out and you collect it in little cups." "Oh, really, George!" "You don't do it." "You make sure the natives do it." "You'd do this to your own flesh and blood?" "(Sighs) You can't stay in England to disgrace the family." "I tell you what, that professor chap, he's upstairs talking to Lavender." "He's supposed to be top man when it comes to brains." "Why don't we chat with him and see if he'll take you on?" "I don't need taking on!" "You talk about me as if I'm up the pole." " (Knock on door)" " Come in." "Professor Van Manheim has concluded his interview with Lady Lavender" " and would like a word, sir." " Send him in." "James is sponging him down in the cloakroom." "What was it?" "Mostly fried egg with a little kedgeree on the tie." "I see, yes." "Well, send him in as soon as he's ready." "Very good, sir." "If she threw her breakfast at him, he's bound to say she's potty." "You're going to get your own way, aren't you?" "You ruthless cad." "You'll have me in the Malayan jungles sweating like a pig, poking little holes in rubber trees and poor old Lavvy certified." "I didn't say a word about certified." " (Knock on door)" " Come in." "Professor Heinrich Van Manheim, your lordship." "Come in, Professor, come in." "I'm sorry you were the target for Lady Lavender's eccentricity." "I'm quite used to this sort of thing." "My brother, Teddy." "Ah." "Is he the vun ve spoke about?" "Yes, that's right." "Have you been discussing me behind my back?" "I filled the Professor in with one or two details." " You absolute rotter." " It's all right, Teddy." "Right, Professor, now, what conclusion did you come to regarding Lady Lavender?" "It's very complicated." "I shall be making a full report to your doctor in due course." "Eurgh!" "Little piece of haddock, I think." "Now, the other problem I have is my brother." "He has this obsession with servant girls." "Vell, zere could be two reasons for zis." "Eurgh." "First, an inferiority complex, or second, a superiority complex." " Do you ever feel inferior?" " Well, doesn't everyone?" " I'm asking you." " Do try and answer the question, Teddy." "It's all so damn ridiculous." "I mean, sometimes I feel inferior, sometimes I feel superior." "Ah, ze split personality." "Let us take aggression." "Do you ever feel aggressive?" "Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't." "What did I tell you?" "A split personality." "Do you ever have ze vivid dreams?" "Occasionally." "Do you ever dream about vomen?" "Sometimes." "Do zey have any clothes on?" "Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't." "Can't you make up your mind about anything?" "He could be a very difficult case." " Can you take him on?" " Mm..." "Maybe." "Could you cure him of his obsession?" "I don't want curing." "I think servant girls are jolly nice." "There, you see." "Could take a long time." " How long?" " Maybe two, maybe three years." "I would start off vith revulsion therapy." "I would attach him to a machine, show him photographs of servant girls... and every time he looked at zem, I would give him an electric shock." "George, I am not gonna spend two or three years attached to a machine, with this fathead giving me electric shocks." " It is harsh." " Alternatively," " you could let him marry a servant girl." " That is absurd!" "What's wrong with servant girls?" "My mother was a servant girl." "HG Wells' mother was a servant girl." "Yes, but he's just a writer." "It wouldn't do for our family at all." "As a matter of interest, when did all zis first start?" "My brother got a bonk on the head in the war." "When?" "Where?" "Well, if you must know, September 16th 1918, just outside Amiens." " North or south?" " South." " Ah, I was there!" " What?" "On ze other side." "It's all your fault." "You probably did it." " What?" " Don't be absurd, Teddy." "You were hit by a piece of shrapnel." "The Professor didn't fire heavy guns, did you?" "Nein." "I was in the field hospital." "What's it matter?" "If it wasn't for you Germans, there would have been no war." "It's your fault, you, you, you..." "Hun!" "Hun?" "Hun?" "!" "How dare you!" "I am a Viennese." "I never supported ze Kaiser." " Ha, they all say that." "You swine!" " Teddy, stop!" "Teddy, control yourself, for heaven's sake!" "Stokes!" "Stokes, come quickly!" "Stop it." "Stop it." "It took all our strength, James and me, to drag Mr Teddy off." " You should've sent for me." " We couldn't do that." " Think of the scandal." " We could've kept it quiet." "We understand the gentry's problems at the station." "Have you got a price list?" "Anyhow, what happened?" "Shh." "Well, I'll be off now." "Havin' shepherd's pie, are ya?" "Yes, Mabel, we're having shepherd's pie." "That's nice." "I can't remember the last time I sat down to a big plate of shepherd's pie with onions and gravy." "There's a bit of cheddar cheese in the larder you can take home, Mabel." "That'll be nice." "There's plenty of pie in the oven." "Be quiet, Ivy." "Well then, Mr Stokes and I held him down while the Professor got his bag." " Did he give him a pill?" " No, he took out a big syringe." "Then his lordship pulled Mr Teddy's trousers down." "(Gasps) Oh, the humiliation." "Mrs Lipton, which bit is it - the big bit or the little bit?" "The little bit." "Oh, thanks." "It's been there for days." "It's all wizened." "All she's got to do is cut the mould off." "Sure you don't want it for the mousetrap?" "There's no need to be sarcastic, Mabel." "You don't have to take it." "Oh, I'll take it." "I'll make a welsh rabbit." "A green one." "I'll have a glass of water before I go if you can spare it." "Don't worry, I'll drink it in the scullery." "Close the scullery door, Henry." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "You could've given her a bit of shepherd's pie." "She should've left at one o'clock." "She can have a bit tomorrow, if there's any left over." "You've gotta watch out for her sort." "They're always on the cadge." "Anyhow, what happened next?" "You got up to the bit where his lordship pulled Mr Teddy's trousers down." "Then the Professor stuck a great big needle in him." "(Gasps) Oh, the shame." "Two minutes later he was out." "James and I had to sit him in a chair." "I don't feel safe in the house with him." "I haven't much time for Germans myself but... well, I don't think you should strangle them." "Not in the house anyway." "What happened when Mr Teddy came round?" "You better ask Ivy - she was listening at the door." "She was polishing the knob - I told her to." "His lordship went at him hammer and tongs." "He said Mr Teddy was a rotter, a cad and a disgrace to the family name." "Poor Mr Teddy." "I've known him since he was this high." "He was a demon for sweets." "He used to climb up the stairs, knock on my bedroom door and say "Have you got anything for me, Blanche?"" "If you ask me, you started him off." "Anyway, his lordship said, "I'm having no more of it." ""You start to work in the factory in the morning."" " Which one?" " The Union Jack Rubber Company." "Fat lot of good that'll do sitting behind a desk signing cheques." "It's not gonna be like that." "From what I understood from Mr Teddy, he's going to be working in the factory with the workers." "Oh, the disgrace of it!" "Oh, it'll kill him." "Hard work never hurt anyone." "What do they make at the Union Jack Rubber Company?" "Lots of different things made of rubber." "What sort of things?" "Get on with your dinner, Ivy." " Another cup of coffee, Uncle Teddy?" " Huh?" "Oh, leave him." "(Sighs) What a morning." "I hope Daddy doesn't make us all go out to work." "It would be good for us." "You just lie around all day, chatting on the phone and making fish eyes at James." "All you'll do with your life is marry somebody like Jerry, have babies and they will all grow up as idle as you are." " What do you do?" " That's not the point." "I'm aware of what's going on around me and I care." "Do you realise there are three million unemployed in this country and half of them are starving?" "Jerry and I give them soup every Thursday night." "Not last Thursday, it was Angela's party." "Super!" "Well, I'm going to do something useful." "What?" "I shall..." "learn to fly and be a pilot." "Jolly good." "You'll take some poor pilot's job and there'll be three million and one out of work." "I obviously can't have a serious conversation with you." " (Knock on door)" " Come in." " I've come for the coffee things." " Thank you, Ivy." "Is the Honourable Teddy all right?" "Yes, he's just a bit drowsy." "He looks ever so pale." "He's got a funny sort of wrinkle under his left eye." "Oh, of course, that's where he keeps his eyeglass." " Shall I put it back?" " No!" "Well, his face looks half-finished without it." "Just take the coffee and go." "I'll just loosen his collar." "Oh, Rose!" "Rose!" " Rose." " Get off!" "Get off!" "Just left his lordship." " How is he?" " He's calmed down a bit now." "Tomorrow morning, I've got to drive him and Mr Teddy to the factory" " and you're coming with us." " What for?" "Maybe he thinks one of the workers is a German." "It's damn ridiculous." "One person to go to work and three people to hold his hand?" "These toffs make me sick." "They should close down the House of Lords, give 'em all a shovel and stick 'em down the mines." "You don't mind taking your wages from his lordship every Friday." "I have to live, the same as you." "I can't wait for the day when I tell him what to do." "You're a fool, Alf Stokes, and a dishonest one at that." "How you came to have a nice daughter like Ivy is beyond me." "If it wasn't for her, I'd have you out of here just like that." "You're not gonna tell on us, are you?" "No, provided you both toe the line." "You're a hard man, James Twelvetrees, but I'm very grateful to you." "It's a pity you're such a pompous stuck-up prig." "Having a nice little chat, are we?" "Yes." "James was just reminding me in his wonderful, usual, generous manner how grateful we should be for him letting us stay in this house." "Yes, thank you very much." "Excuse me, I must telephone the florist." "Those flowers are wilting." "They must send some fresh ones." "You two haven't been having words, have you?" "No, we understand one another, Ivy." "Hey, Ivy, when you were in Lady Lavender's room, did you notice anything unusual?" "Yes, a mongoose." " A mongoose?" " A stuffed one." "Stuffed with money?" "No, I found it under the bed." " What were you doing under the bed?" " Nothing." " Did you see a suitcase?" " I'm not going to talk about it." "You did, didn't you?" "Look, Ivy, I know all about Lady Lavender going to the bank and bringing all her money home in pound notes." "It was full of money, wasn't it?" "I promised Lady Lavender I wouldn't talk about it." "Just think, all that money under the bed and what use is it to her?" "It could be doing someone some good." "You're getting that look of greed in your eyes again, Dad." "It's not greed, it's politics." "I'm talking about the redistribution of wealth." "Well, burglars do that." "You'll never understand, Ivy, but just promise me this - if she offers you a handful, don't refuse it." "Oh, I do love you, Dad." "I just wish you weren't so greedy and rotten." " Good morning, sir." " What?" "Good morning., It's seven o'clock, sir." "Seven o'clock?" "What on earth are you doing?" "Bally cheek." "It's still the middle of the night." "You're going to work, sir." "Oh, God, yes." "It all comes flooding back." "It's a nightmare." "I'm sure you'll enjoy it when you get there." "Perhaps I should've agreed to marry Madge Cartwright." "I wouldn't have to get up at this hour." "Shall I tell his lordship you changed your mind?" "No, I..." "I suppose I better go through with it." "What shall I wear?" "May I suggest something not too flamboyant, sir." " What do you mean?" " Don't upset your fellow workers." "Who cares what the bally workers think?" "Bally cheek." "I'll wear what I bally-well like." "Lay out my tartan suit." "As you wish, sir." "(Knock on door)" "Morning, Miss Cissy." " What on earth's going on, Ivy?" " I brought your breakfast early." "We're not having it in the dining room." "Mr Teddy's going to work." "His lordship's going, so's Mr Twelvetrees and Mr Stokes is driving the car." "What's that got to do with me?" "It's his lordship's orders." "Everybody's got to stop lounging about and you've all got to get up early." "What's going on, Cissy?" "The maid's just been and plunked my breakfast down." "You can jolly well take it away again, Ivy." "I can't eat porridge and bacon and eggs at seven in the morning." "Would you rather have a kipper?" "No, I would not!" "It's got nothing to do with me, Miss Poppy." "Of course it's to do with you, you woke me up." "It's Daddy." "He's gone completely off his rocker." "I had to get up at half past five." "You're paid to get up early, I'm not." "I didn't get to bed till three." "I'm sorry, Miss Poppy." "Well, just watch your step in future." "Mr Stokes." "Yes?" "There are two thumb prints on the radiator adjacent to the mascot." "Well, huh on them and rub 'em off, James." " Have you a duster?" " Use your sleeve." "Oh, they're taking him in the big car." "Looks like an 'earse." "When my poor old dad passed on, we couldn't afford an 'earse, we had to push him on a fruit barrow." "And when we took the coffin in the church, there were all cabbage leaves stuck to the bottom." " Mr Stokes." " What is it?" "When his lordship is ready," "I shall go out into the road and hold up the traffic for him." "Bye, Uncle Teddy." " Do hurry up." "You'll be late." " But you own the bally factory." "We have to set an example to the workers." "Good luck, Uncle Teddy." "I do hope we don't have to do this every morning." "Stokes looks ridiculous driving the car." " Daddy should have a chauffeur." " He's far too stingy." "Oh!" "Oh, Mr Teddy, you're so brave." "As if you didn't have to suffer enough in the war." "Don't worry, Mrs Lipton, I shall be back...about teatime." "Come on, Teddy, get in the car!" "Good luck." "When you're ready, m'lord," "I will go out into the road and stop the traffic." "Good." "It's a far, far better thing he's doing now than what he ever did done before." " Union Jack Rubber Company, Stokes." " Yes, m'lord." "Bye." "Stop the traffic." "Stop the traffic." "Thank you." " This is the factory, Teddy." " I can see that." "What's that fella doing?" "I say, you, fella, come over here." "Yes, sir?" " Are you employed here?" " Yes, sir." "Why are you lounging about smoking a cigarette?" "Why aren't you working?" "I'm waiting for the ambulance, sir." "I've broken my arm." "Oh." "Well, I'm sure it'll be here soon." "Good chap." "Ow!" "Good morning, m'lord." "This is Mr Foster, the factory manager." "Good morning, er...sir." " Hello." " Foster, I want you to give my brother a working knowledge of the factory." "You leave it to me, sir." "This way, please." "I hope his lordship knows what he's doing." "Well, James, I've always said, you can't beat starting at the bottom for ten minutes." "Come along, Teddy." "Morning." "Morning." "Morning." "I thought we'd start the honourable Mr Edward in here, your lordship." "This is where product samples are brought for testing." "Hear that, Teddy?" "This is where samples are brought for testing." "Of course I heard it!" " This is our foreman, Mr Barnes." " Morning, your lordship." "Now, your lordship, if you'll excuse me, I have a deputation coming to see me." "The wage cut you ordered is causing problems, m'lord." "It's only tuppence an hour." "Times are hard." "We all have to make sacrifices." " Perhaps you'd care to explain it, m'lord." " Oh, no, you're better at that." " You go ahead." " Yes, m'lord." " Carry on, Barnes." " Sir." " Carry on, Barnes." " Your lordship." "Well now, sir, if it's made of rubber, it's made by the Union Jack Rubber Company." "And if it's made by the Union Jack Rubber Company, then his lordship insists that it is of top quality." "Hear that, Teddy?" "Charlie here, he tests the tyre casings." "And Jock..." "He's on inner tubes." "And, er, young Jim here, he tests the little bits of rubber on the end of pencils." "Well, show his lordship, son." "It's come off." "Reject it, lad, reject it." "You can manage that, can't you, Teddy?" "Now, sir, Cyril, he does surgical gloves." " Where do you test...?" " In another room." "You need compressed air for that." " Am I going to..." " No, probably not." "We have three respectable married ladies who specialise." "What do I do?" "I thought we'd start you off at this end, sir." "It's baby comforters and invalid cushions." "You test the comforter like so - just give it a good hard bite." "And the...invalid cushion, you blow it up... then you immerse it in a bowl of water." "George, if you think I'm going to spend all day..." "Teddy, you promised." "The honourable Edward's overalls, m'lord." "I'm not taking my trousers off in front of these workers." "That won't be necessary, sir." "Allow me, sir." "You can put the coat in the honourable Mr Edward's locker with his lunchbox." "Where is the honourable Mr Edward's lunchbox, James?" "I wasn't instructed to bring a lunchbox." "Has he no' brought his piece with him?" "I beg your pardon?" "If he hasnae brought his piece with him, he can have a loan o' mine." "Awfully kind of you, but I'll get something sent round." "What do you want for lunch, Teddy?" "Stokes, make a note." "M'lord." "Oh, a little cold consommé, some cold salmon with hollandaise sauce, potato salad, oh, yes, and some raspberry fool." "With cream, sir?" "Of course." "Oh, and a half bottle of Paul Roget, 1919." "I'll leave you to it." "James, Stokes, to the car." "On to the City, m'lord?" "Oh, no, I think I've done enough for one day." "Oh, I shall send Ivy on the bus with your lunch at 12:30, sir." "Good morning, ma'am." "Hello." "We've brought Mr Teddy's lunch." " Oh, carry on." " Thank you." "They all taste of bally rubber." "We've had no complaints frae the bairns so far." "Mr Teddy?" "Oh, Mr Teddy, we've brought your lunch." "Oh, thank goodness for that." "Hey, Jimmy, ye'll no start tae eat till ye hear the hooter." "I'll get it ready." "After ye've tested them, ye're supposed tae put 'em in the box." "Well, they're too fat." "Ye have tae get the air out." "Oh?" "How do I do that?" "Sit on them." "(Loud parp)" "I don't think this sort of work suits him, Henry." "Ripped by malgabo Sync by sutyiboy" "* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear the same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Talking flicks are here today" "* And Lindbherg's from the USA" "* Poor Valentino's passed away..." "How sad, m'lord."