"I have always been my own worst enemy." "Oh, my God, you're so late." " Hudson Milbank." " God, you are so late." " Hudson Milbank." " You are so late." "Even on the most important day of my career." "I felt overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what I had." "I wasn't the same person anymore." "I was now living in some kind of horrific perpetual dream state, yet somehow still able to interact without anyone knowing." "Just going through the motions, on automatic." "I'm afraid I'll never get out of this." "My life view was simple." "One, I just wanted to be a happy person with happy thoughts." "Two, we were all a simple action away from complete disaster." "You should slow down, man." "But I didn't want to slow down." "I just wanted to stop my racing thoughts, constant worry and never-ending anxiety." "Little did I know, inhaling a harmless joint 12 times in 12 minutes could unhinge an already vulnerable brain and send it into the bottom of an abyss." "Jesus Christ!" "Jesus!" " You just smoked too much." " Jesus Christ!" "You'll be okay." "He'll be okay." "I'm fucked!" "From that point onward, I would suffer from a symptom so frightening, it would consume every minute of every hour of every day." "The official term was "depersonalization"." "No matter what I did, it wouldn't go away." "So, what was it exactly?" "Depersonalization disorder, in brief, involved the persistent or recurrent experience of feeling detached, as if one was an outside observer of one's mental processes or body." "Are you okay?" "The sense that the external world was unreal or strange, like living in some hellish dream-like state." "In layman's terms, I was fucked." " You hear that?" " Yes, I did." "Is that bad?" "Just hold your arms to your side." "Now touch your nose with your forefingers." "All right, you can open your eyes now." "You're fine." "That's impossible." "I never joke about the head, son." "My finger hit my nostril." "Did you catch that?" " It was close enough." " But what about the "nothing's real" part?" "Perhaps you should see a psychiatrist or something." "I also lived substantially below my means." "Not that I was cheap," "I was just terrified of things getting so bad, I wouldn't be able to function." "So I opened up my checkbook, and found myself in the office of a West Side psychiatrist who specialized in dealing with creative types on the verge of losing their minds." "Have you ever heard the word "dysphoric"?" "I knew it." "I've somehow gone crazy." "No, that's psychotic." "Dysphoric is when you just don't feel right in your own skin." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Say that again." "Over the next week, I couldn't stop talking about that word." "It means I don't feel comfortable in my own skin." "Tomwasmy writingpartner of seven years." "We complemented each other perfectly." "He considered himself the writer of the team." "I was the hustler." "Even in my state, I could sell better than he could." "So, how's the detachment thing?" "You could jam this fork into my eye socket right now and I wouldn't feel it." "But you're gonna be okay for the pitch next week?" "I'm suffering here." "Now, but this is important." "Why did I have to smoke the pot?" "We have to sell something." "I mean, I didn't even touch a drug in high school." "See, when we're in the room, you're always the guy." "So between now and then," "I'm really gonna need you to put down that fork." "I couldn't have just taken one or two hits like a normal person." "I had to smoke the whole thing like some fucking maniac." "It's not the pot." "It's not the pot." "I smoke pot every day of my life." "I've never stared at cutlery." "Do you have a turkey burger?" "Fuck!" "All right." "All right." "What about the shrink?" "Is he any good?" " He went to Harvard." " Can't get any better than that." "That's great." "What's he say?" "He thinks it might be a good idea for my self-esteem if we switched the order of our names on every other screenplay." "He's an asshole, a Harvard asshole." "Oh, missed it on the high side, with the wind, with the slope." "Also, I watched The Golf Channel for 23 hours yesterday." "Why golf?" "I don't know." "I find it comforting." "It's green." "People are whispering." "So you're not getting out at all?" "Look, I think this is something a little bit more than just being not comfortable in my own skin." "What do I do?" "Tell me what to do." "Hudson, it's important that you socialize, even if you have to force yourself." "You are the sweetest dog." "So handsome." "I read in a pamphlet from the National Mental Association that after 12 weeks of psychotherapy, if you're not better, seek another therapist." "I was on week 14 with Dr. Townshend, but we'd become more like friends, so I didn't mind." " So, the "S," that's for Scott, right?" " Yes." " Can I call you that?" " No." "One way to survive the endless time between therapy sessions was to distract myself with the longest-running movies ever made." " These are due back Thursday." " What if I watch them all tonight?" "Okay." "Dr. Townshend." "Wow, I can't believe I'm bumping into you." "How are you?" "Fine." "I was just at the video store." "Hey." "Well, I guess I'll go home and wait for our next appointment." " It's tomorrow, right?" " Fine." "Patient." "TheonethingTownshenddidgive me was clonazepam." "The directions read, "Take as needed"." "Which for me was Monday to Friday and weekends." "One blue pill was the equivalent of three domestic beers." "Two pills cut my feelings of hopelessness by a third." "More was needed if you were, say, rejected by a shrink you entrusted your life to." "I adored the sedation, but there was one drawback, sexual dysfunction." "It got so bad, the average sexual act did nothing for me." "I had to find the most extreme 20 seconds of footage and play it over and over until it did the trick." "Oh, fuck me with your tongue." "Oh, fuck me with your tongue." "Despite the restaurant snub," "I decided to give Dr. Townshend another shot." "After all, he was out with friends, and that had nothing to do with his dedication to me within our sessions." "Go on." "I guess this is boring you." " Excuse me?" " You kind of fell asleep there." " No." " You were snoring." "I was listening." "Because last night I was in the bath, and I figured out that I've already spent $2,650 on sessions, and I still feel crazier than I ever did." "So if you were snoring..." "I think you're making this bigger than it needs to be, Hudson." "You would also think, at those kind of prices, if we ran into each other at a restaurant, you could acknowledge me as something more than "patient"." " Perhaps we should talk about this." " Perhaps." "Obviously, you're upset." "I think I am a little upset because I rely on you." "You're my touchstone to mental health, and I think we have kind of a bond..." "Fuck me." "Intense exercise was my next course of action." "I read if you could raise your endorphins high enough, it could somehow alter your brain chemistry." "I found a class packed with lesbians, not by choice, but still, it was strangely comforting." "Okay, people!" "This is your time, so let's push it!" "That's it!" "Everybody up!" "And everybody down." "After 30 minutes, I thought something might actually be happening, but it was wishful, psychosomatic false alarm." "My legs might as well have been attached to one of the lesbians." "I didn't know where else to turn." "I hadn't been home in five years." "Maybe a little family reconnection was what I needed to snap me back to normal." " Now, what is this spaciness, sport?" " It's anxiety." "That is all it is." "Oh, my goodness." "Sport?" "I desperately wanted my dad's help, but he was the king of pragmatic thinking." "I'd get the same kind of advice to all my worries." "Do you think it was the pot?" "I mean, why did I have to smoke so much?" "Just pull up your socks, huh?" "You'll be okay." "I thought about reaching out to my older brother, Stan, who I'd worshipped since I was a kid." "I'm busy." "Can I at least get a glass of water before I ride back?" "I'm in the middle of a writing session." "There's a gas station on the corner." " Sport?" " I can't..." "I can't breathe." " What is it?" " He says he can't breathe." "Oh, for goodness' sake." "Stop acting like a child!" "Breathe." "Hyperventilating." "I think that's enough, sport." "Reconnecting wasn't the answer." "I had to get back to LA and somehow heal thyself." "I know you're in there!" "Hudson, it's Tom!" "Come on, get up!" "Get up!" "Put those feet on the ground and move them!" "That's it." "Don't trip on your clothes, 'cause they're everywhere, aren't they?" "That's me knocking!" "Answer the door!" "Open it!" "Okay, got to get you dressed." "Got a meeting in 30." "So when's the maid come?" "Never?" "What do you think?" "Jeans and a T-shirt today?" "I am dying here." " All right, then I'll drive." " I have to sleep." "How about this shirt?" "Look at this." "Oh, my God." " Are you kidding me?" " I can't..." "I can't do this." "Of course you can." "The shirt goes on the top." "Watch this move." "The pants, big surprise to everyone, go on the bottom." "All right, we've got the leg crossed." "I crossed the pant." "Where are the shoes?" "Gotta have shoes." "You know why?" "'Cause you're going outside." "That's right." "You are a handsome man." "I'm gonna wait in the car." "We've got to get this job today, buddy." "Gotta get this job." "So, how you doing now?" "But that's better than in the car, right?" "Oh, God!" "Can't you just fight this until after the meeting?" " No, but I think I can mask it." " Okay, that's all we need." "He's ready for you." "Now would be good." "Sorry I'm late." "Fuck." "Fuck." "For some reason, just looking at her jolted me into a state of awareness and back to the job at hand." "So, would you like the $50 million version or the $100 million version?" "You did it!" "You did it!" "Oh, let's get something to eat." "That girl is an angel." "What?" "Who?" "The development girl." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "Please, God, no." " What?" " What?" "Remember the last gig?" "The copy girl?" "The flower and the rain and the obsessing over her youthful zeal?" "We didn't work for a year after that." "Well, there's something different about this girl." "All right, maybe there is." "Maybe there's something very different about this girl." "It's just that there's also something very different about money coming in." "Okay?" " Okay." " Okay." " Fuck!" " Hello?" "Hello?" " Is Hudson there?" " Yes?" "Is this Hudson?" " Yes, who's this?" " Sara Harrison." "Who?" "I was..." "I was the executive." "You were in my office today sucking up to my boss." "Yes." "Hi." "This is him." " I hope it's okay I'm calling." " Yes, sure." "Of course." " Hello?" " Hello?" "I was wondering if you wanted to get together." " You and me?" " Uh-huh." "When?" "Just an ordinary everyday spoon." "You've seen it a thousand times." "Just an ordinary piece of kitchen cutlery." "See?" " Very impressive." "Where did it go?" " Well, it's magic." "Your lap?" "It's a stupid trick, really." "You know, I've seen you before, at a party a couple weeks ago." "You were sitting on a couch by yourself, and this dog came up to you." " You fed it a potato chip." " Potato chip." "Yeah." "You looked really lonely." "Oh, no, that's just the way that I appear when I'm really enjoying myself." "You seemed really anxious to leave." " I did?" " Mmm." "There was something so fucking noticeable about you." "Sorry." "Sweet." " I cuss when I get excited about things." " That's okay." " It's not Tourette's or anything." " Right." "My God, she was fantastic." "And by dessert, things loosened up when she started talking about her last relationship." "So, he took a gun out of his glove compartment and then blew his brains out all over his Porsche, in front of his ex-wife." "But she was obviously attracted to unstable guys, which was perfect." "What's your biggest fear?" "Uh, um..." " Well, I guess I have two." " Mmm-hmm." "The first is going spontaneously insane." "And the second is something happening to my father." "Like him dying?" "I really wish you, um, wouldn't say it." "You're afraid of the word?" "Yeah, for some reason, I think that saying it might..." "Make it happen." " Yeah." " It won't." "Death, death, death." "Die, die, die." "See?" "Nothing." "Right, but you're saying it." "Nothing's gonna happen when you're saying it." "See, that's the way my mind works." "See, I figured out the other day that life expectancy for a male is 72 years." "That's 25,000 days." "You know, and you sleep a third of that, so that's just 16,000 days." "And say you spend half that time trying to figure out what you want to do with your life." "That's down to 8,000 days." "Now, I'm 36, so that leaves me only 4,311 days left, if I don't get sick or hit by a bus or something." "You're an unusual person." "My father is a physicist." " He teaches string theory." " That's interesting." "Yeah, so's the affair he's having with a chick half his age." "Should I come in?" "Oh, I would." " What's the deal with him?" " He likes me." " Really?" " Yeah, he leaves CD's on my car and circles the tracks that remind him of me." "People always look at the numbers changing." "Yup." " I think it's 'cause they're nervous." " Yup." "So, what did you think?" " It sounds good." " Seriously?" "It's the worst playing of any musical instrument I've ever heard." "Really, you should throw that thing in the fireplace." "Oh." "Where did you get all of this stuff?" "What is that?" " A turtle." " It is?" "Yeah, I broke its head off." "I was watching the basketball playoffs, and my fucking team didn't win, and so I threw the remote control at the TV and it..." "Headless." "Yeah, I can see that." "You're insanely cute." "You think I'm cute?" "I kind of think I have a big head." "Yeah, well, at least you have a chin." "I mean, look at this." "I've got a straight line from my chin to my neck." "It's like a chin-neck." "Well, I think that one of my ears is bigger than the other." " I don't see that." " Liars go to hell." "Yeah, I see that." "You really have no chin." "Well, you kind of look like a lion." "Well, you kind of look like an owl." " An owl?" " An owl without a chin." "Oh, I have to go." "Where?" "Just..." "I have an appointment tomorrow for something that I forgot." "What kind of a deadbolt is this?" " Did I just fuck this up?" " I'm gonna call you." "So be ready for that." "You do kind of look like an owl." "So, you really like this girl, huh?" "So, you must have told her you were depersonalized, yeah?" "Okay." "How was that?" "It was the worst lawn bowling I've ever seen in my entire life." "I think you should take the ball and throw it in my fireplace." "Over the next few dates, she was able to drag me outside during the day." "Luckily, we did things almost as comforting as The Golf Channel." "Nights were the worst for me, so I convinced her to stay in and watch extended versions of Lawrence of Arabia," "Bridge on the River Kwai and The Right Stuff, which we saw twice." "She seemed perfectly fine." "At this rate, I could stay in my comfort zone indefinitely." "I think we should go out tonight." " Out?" " Hmm." "But I thought we were gonna watch the Star Wars trilogy with the commentary." "I know." "Watching the Star Wars trilogy with the commentary's fun, but I was thinking that maybe we could do something different." "So even though the Millennium Falcon was the oldest plane, it ended up saving all of them." "Yeah, it did, yeah." "I'm thinking about getting a new car, by the way." "Really?" "Why?" "Well, I just don't want you to think that I like driving something that's 10 years old." "A lot of people in LA don't have insurance, so they don't care if they crash into you so..." "You don't have to impress me, Hudson." "I know." " And I am looking at homes." " Hmm." "Let's go there." " You okay?" " Yeah." "You?" "Yeah." "That's impressive." "I think you should give her $5." " $5?" " Yup." " I only have a 20." " I'll pay you back." "You should wash your hands." "That's good." "I'm gonna go get some hand sanitizers." "Okay." "Why do they have locks on stores that are open 24..." "Do you steal a lot?" " What stealing?" " The pen." " No, I paid for that." " Don't lie." "Fucking hate that." "Why do you do it?" " I don't know." " Yeah, you do." "Well, maybe it gives me a warped sense of control or some adrenaline or..." "Because I got to tell you, Hudson, I can't date somebody who does that." " Well, it's only small stuff." " It doesn't matter." "It's not right." " I know." " Do you?" "Yes, and it will absolutely not happen again." "You're just saying that to get off the hook." "You returned it?" "Like it never happened." "Thank you, Hudson." "No, thank you." "Stealing is bad and I don't want to be bad." "You do you realize we haven't had sex yet." "Uh, yes, I am aware of that." "Will you take me back to your place?" "Mine?" "It's kind of like a ski lodge." "Ha!" "It is very chalet-like." " You rent this place?" " I do pay a monthly fee." " Whoa, what the fuck was that?" " Oh, no, you're..." "You're okay." "There's just a family of squirrels." "Can I get you anything?" "What you got?" "Um..." "Well, I have pasta." "I don't have any sauce." "But would you like me to make you some pasta?" "That's really sweet." "We just ate so..." "How about some bottled water?" "Oh, okay, here's the deal with that." "I don't really keep bottled water in the house 'cause I believe that it's a scam." "See, tap water has to undergo much more stringent testing for bacteria." "Tap's good." "Hudson, what are you looking for in a relationship?" "Oh, well, just basically, somebody who can stand to be with me, I guess." " Here." " Thank you." "You?" "Well," "I want to know that if my limbs fall off, we'd still be together, no matter what." "And when he says my name, it sounds different in his mouth." "You know, like it's safe there." "Or" "I put on perfume and he puts on cologne, and we go out, and we can smell each other." "You know, they make you smile when you're tired." "That's a big one." "Or you tell them something that you're scared to tell them because you're afraid it'll make them stop loving you." "But when you tell them, you're surprised, because it actually, it makes them love you more." "Or you tell them that they..." "That you love their shirt, and then they end up wearing it every day." "My greatest example of this is my grandparents." "My grandmother has arthritis in her hands, and she can't bend down and paint her toes." "So my grandfather does it for her, all the time." "Even though he has arthritis in his hands, too." "So, do you like the place?" "I like you." "What are you doing?" "You can't sleep?" "You wanna turn..." "You can turn on the TV." "Is that good?" "That's great." "How many girls could fall asleep to the Greater Hartford Open?" "Maybe a lot, but this was the first one I ever met." "Go, go, go." "And I never want to see you back here ever again!" "Do you understand?" "I couldn't hide my condition from her forever." "If I had any chance with Sara, I had to speed up my recovery." "So I went with another doctor who specialized in a big word, which meant, "Fuck talking, take drugs"." "Uh..." "So, Dr..." " Richmond." " Richmond, here's the thing." "I have met and, I think, fallen in love with the most beautiful, incredible, weird woman on the face of the planet." "She's so pretty." "I mean, she thinks she has a big head, but she doesn't." "And last night we consummated our relationship, which is to say that I had sex..." "Well, we had sex and..." "It should have felt really good." "I mean, it should have felt really good." "But I was so focused on her not seeing the pen that I stole, which she saw me steal." "But I told her that I returned it, but I didn't return it." "I just stole another pen." "So all that was flying through my brain when I was supposed to..." "So, fucking help." "Help." "Fuck, help." "On a crowded elevator, do you stand at the back or the front?" "What?" "On a crowded elevator, do you stand at the back or the front?" "Back." "Front." "Front." "Front." "Although, sometimes I find myself looking up at the numbers 'cause I get nervous." "You ever hear voices coming from your television set?" "That aren't part of the show?" " Yes." " No." "I think we'll begin with divalproex sodium." " What's divalproex sodium?" " Technically, an antipsychotic." " Psychotic?" "I'm psychotic?" " No." "Because I feel psychotic, sometimes." "The fact that you're asking the question proves that you're not." "Well, then why am I taking psychotic medication?" "Because in small doses it can be quite helpful with mood, which I think is contributing to your problem." "But I thought that's why I was on clonazepam." " Did someone from Harvard prescribe that?" " Yes." "Idiots." "You'll stop that immediately." "Well, is this gonna help with my depersonalization?" "That's what we're gonna find out." " Well, what about the side effects?" " Nothing to be concerned about." " Have you taken an antipsychotic before?" " No, I'm not psychotic." "I already asked if I was psychotic, and apparently that proves I'm not psychotic." "I'm taking it for depersonalization." "Are you aware of the side effects?" "I was told there's nothing to be concerned about." ""Blurred vision, constipation, dry eyes," ""dry nose, dry mouth, difficulty urinating"." "Nothing to be concerned about." ""Tardive dyskinesia"." ""Tardive dyskinesia, a permanent twitching of the facial muscles"." "Fuck." "My alternatives were slim." "Permanent spaciness or rare, irreversible facial twitching." "Give it another hour, sport." " I'll leave the back door unlocked." " Okay, Dad." "Where have you been?" " What?" "Here." " I've been calling and calling." " What time is it?" " It's almost 4:00." "I fell asleep." "I fell asleep in the bathroom." "You fell asleep in the bathroom." "Hudson, what's going on?" "Nothing." " Hudson, tell me what's going on." " Nothing." "I want to know." "The technical term for it is "depersonalization."" "But I can't explain to you what that is because you don't have it." "Can you please try?" "It's like when I feel anxious, which is all the time, my relationship with reality is all screwed up." "So..." "Like, I look at my hand and it just doesn't feel..." "Like, right now, I see your lips moving and I hear you talking, but it just doesn't feel real to me." "I don't feel real to you?" "This all started with the pot." "Do you think it was the pot?" "No, I don't think pot can do that, baby." "Yeah, and I didn't want to tell you because I didn't think you'd want to be with me." " Have you seen anybody about this?" " I've seen almost everybody about this." " What do they say?" " They give me pills, but I don't think I'm taking the right ones because they just make me feel worse." "Do you ever feel better?" "4:45am." "and for the next 20 minutes, the only time in this city's day when it is completely deserted." "I feel like we're the last people on earth." "I wish it was like this all the time." "You can't live like this." "Sometimes I wish I didn't." "And I don't think you understand what he's going through." "I'm afraid for him." "Let me put your mind at ease." "People who talk about killing themselves very rarely carry it out." "Oh, really?" "Because I dated a guy who talked about it all the time, and then he blew his fucking brains out." "Hudson, if you don't mind," "I'd like to speak to Sara alone for a few minutes." "What I'm interested in is why you're here." " Because I care about him." " Why?" "Because he does stupid magic tricks." "Because you can't pick who you fall in love with." "I would never let a girl go to my shrink." "You should have seen her." "She was amazing." "She completely defended me." "She really put him in his place." "Well, she knows too much about you now." "So?" "Well, I'd just be concerned that she'd use it against me." "For what?" "Like a trump card." "Whenever she wants, boom, she's got that." "No, Sara would never do that." "Okay." "You know what?" "Okay." "She sounds great." "Want to get some work done for a few hours?" " Yeah." " Great." "Yeah, we can do that." "After the first round of individual drug trials failed," "Dr. Richmond decided to bombard all my neurotransmitters at once." "So we combined... everything." "Sertraline, bupropion, MAO inhibitors, fluoxetine hydrochloride." "It was like musical drugs, and when the music stopped, I couldn't get a chair." "I became numb to the labels." "I just wanted relief." " Good luck with this one, Hudson." " Thanks, Rick." "We have to turn this off." "Just one more tournament." "How's your reality system now?" "Hey, let's..." " Hey." " Mmm?" "Let's get married." " What?" " Let's get married." " You're serious?" " Yeah." "Hudson, marriage is a motherfucker of a responsibility." "I know." " And a lot of work." " I know." " You're not ready to get married." " Yes, I am." "And I want kids, you know, someday." " You think you can do that?" " Yes." " You don't?" " I didn't say that." "I just think that maybe right now isn't a good time to be talking about marriage, when you're going through this..." " This thing." " Yeah, you can say it." "Fucked up state of mind that nobody seems to have a clue what to do with." "But I think you're gonna work yourself through it." "Well, what if I don't?" "You will." "Right, but what if I don't?" "What if this is the way I'm gonna be for the rest of my life?" "But I don't think that's the case." "I..." " You just need to stop being so..." " What?" "Negative." " Negative?" " Yeah." "Negative." "Well, I'm sorry if the rest of the world was born with perfect brain synapses and is walking around in la-la land, and I can't tell if this fucking flower is real!" "If you are just waiting around for me to get better..." "This is it." "This is it." "Tom was right." "In the best of worlds, all I could bring her was unending grief and the need for constant reassurance that I wouldn't lose my mind." "It would only be a matter of time before she couldn't take it anymore." "Self-sabotage the best thing in my life?" "Of course I would." "Ready?" "What?" "You told me you weren't gonna do this again." " I didn't." " Stop it." "Stop what?" "I know what you're trying to do." "Please don't." " What?" "What am I trying to do?" " You promised." "Look, this is me, all right?" "It's just me." "That's such a crock of shit." "You want to end this?" "You think you're so irre-fucking-deemable?" "Then end it." "Come on, tell me it's over." "But you have to say it." " Fuck!" " Fuck." "Did you not hear me say that she would?" "She didn't do anything." "I did this." "I fucked this up." "Me." "Okay." "Okay, then, just go apologize." "No, she deserves a normal person, not some kleptomaniac freak show who's gonna ask her to marry him." "All right." "All right, what you need now is a different kind of woman." "Why, so I can just play this shit out again?" "No, no, no." "Stay with me." "Ah, there she is." "Look over there." "Attractive, clearly a different woman." "Just go over there and talk." "Huh?" "I can't." "Look at me." " Who's your best friend?" " Dave Wilson." "In this city." " You." " Thank you." "Trust me, okay?" "You're hurting." "I get that." "This is the best and easiest way." "Just go over and talk." "No proposals." "Do not mention The Golf Channel." "Just talk to her." "Okay, she's on the move." "Make your move." "Now." " Go." " She's going to the bathroom." "Perfect!" "Go." "Go, go, go." "You are not gonna believe this." "She's a doctor." "She specializes in cognitive behaviorism." "That's incredible, and she's hot." "Cognitive behaviorism." "The deal was you could change the way you felt by altering your negative thinking." "Would it work?" "I highly doubted it." "But, my God, she was qualified." "A tenured professor at UCLA, a Master's in psychology from Stanford, another from Cambridge, published books on anxiety, articles in prestigious medical journals." "Exactly what I needed." "When you say," ""I hate myself for blowing it with the woman of my dreams"." "That's an example of magnification." "A better way to express it would be," ""At the moment, I'm disappointed that we're no longer together," ""but many relationships don't work out." ""What can I do to change my behavior next time?"" "Are you married?" "Another area we'll work on is labeling." "Right, but is there a Mr. Dr. Blaine?" "I don't think that's really important to your treatment." " Where are you from?" " We're not here to talk about me." "Okay." "But it's Texas, right?" "Arkansas." "Okay?" "Unlike most therapists, who would never think of leaving the comfort of their offices," "Dr. Blaine actually took her patients into the field." "I can't." "There is absolutely no connection between saying a word and the health of your father." "But why tempt fate?" "Because it will lower your anxiety and help you get better." "All right, give me a second." "You can do this, Hudson." "Death." "It worked." "He's okay." "He's trimming the hedges." "See?" "Has a patient ever asked you out before?" "It happens." " Do you ever say yes?" " Never." "How about dinner with me?" "I don't think so." "Because we have a professional relationship?" "Exactly." "Well, what if I stopped seeing you?" "I don't think that would be wise." "Right, but what's the rule on that kind of thing?" "You're very sweet, Hudson, but my only concern is that you get better." "Is that why you blushed back there?" "As a way to recovery, Dr. Blaine thought it a good idea to e-mail me cognitive exercises I could practice outside our sessions." "First assignment, monitor my daily negative thoughts." " Hello." " Hudson, it's Dr. Blaine." "Are you busy?" "No, I'm just doing a little cognitive homework." "Good." "Well, the reason I'm calling is that I found a very interesting article on cortisol levels" "I think may be of some help." "You may want to take a look at it." " Really?" " In fact, I have it with me now." "Yes, absolutely." "It explains how high cortisol levels increase adrenaline, which could have a bearing on the feeling of depersonalization." "Interesting." "Hmm." "So I'll do some more reading over the weekend." "I hope I didn't make you drive too far." "No, my shack is only about five minutes away." "Shack?" "Well, I'm sure it's not a shack." "My God." "It is a shack." "Yeah, it's the only place I feel even close to okay." "Almost like a sanctuary." " I'm so sorry this is happening to you." " Thanks." " It's not fair." " Thank you." "And I did blush." "I knew it." "I just think, therapeutically, it's important to bring it out in the open." "I do find you very charming, attractive and funny." "But things as they are, nothing can ever happen on that level." "I'm sorry." " The door..." " Sticks." " Bullshit." " She said it was the first time she'd had sex in seven years." " Bullshit." " It was like having a wounded animal on top of me." " That is so wrong." " Well, what do I do?" "Isn't it obvious?" "Try to see her without having to pay." "Hi." "Yeah." "Let me get two of the chocolate things there." "It is absolutely my fault." "Inexcusable." "I want you to know that I have spoken to a colleague to find someone to take over your sessions." "Who can make me say "death"?" "There is no other way here." "I could lose my license." "I can't see another therapist." "It has to be you." "Hudson, a terrible line has been crossed." "Can't we just forget about what happened?" "You could do that?" "Yes." "The first time was exciting." "Now having her writhe all over me, I realized I was letting her use me, so I could use her, so she'd work harder at making me better." "I had become a cognitive whore." "Dr. Blaine here again." "If we could talk before noon, Hudson, that would be good for me." "Hey, it's Tom." "I'm here writing and you're not." "That's okay." "Just another reminder, we've got our biggest pitch ever next week, so..." "Head of production, that kind of a guy." "Chance of a lifetime, partner." "Just need you firing all selling cylinders." "Call me." "Hudson, it's Dr. Blaine again." "Call me at home when you can." "I hope I haven't filled up your machine." "The machine is full." "So, is it this, prune juice and then death?" "Is that the trifecta?" "Seriously, are you still banging that shrink?" "I'm afraid to break it off." "She's doing all this extra research for me." "She's even canceling her appointments with other patients." " This could get bad." " Hudson." " Oh, God." " It got bad." "It got bad." "I think we should have some lunch." " What do I do?" " Have lunch." "Have lunch." "I thought it would be safer to say what I'm about to say in public." "Obviously, something has happened to my emotions." "My behavior has been..." "Fuck off!" "Unacceptable." " Well, that can happen." " No, it can't." "Did you witness my tone with the waiter just then?" "I did catch that, yeah." "It has to stop, Hudson." "Us, we, this." "I agree." "I was up all night analyzing my actions, berating myself, abhorring myself." "I go to sleep that way every night so..." " Thank you for saying that." " Sure." "I suppose I have spent so many years listening to other people's feelings that I've neglected my own." "And it's all coming out now, here, in the restaurant, in front of all these people?" "Mmm." "Which is something I have to deal with, and I will deal with." "Oh, I feel so much better." " Oh, my God, even my hunger is back." " Oh, well, the tuna melt looks good." "It's no good." "I love you, Hudson." " What?" " I love you!" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "I am so sorry." "I didn't mean to raise my voice like that." "I thought you..." "I thought you were dealing with it." "I am, I am." "It's just I cannot get you out of my mind." "Sure you can." "Sure you can." "Look at me, I'm a mess." "You don't want that." "I'm flattered that you think that you have these feelings..." "No, no, I don't think." "I have them." "Fifteen years of cognitive training," "I might just know a little something about feelings." "Oh, God." "God, what is wrong with me?" " I'm acting like an insane person." " No." " Forgive me?" " Yes." " Will you forgive me?" " Yes." " I think we should go." " Sure." "But first, may I just ask one question?" "Why don't we wait till we get out of the restaurant?" "No, no, no." "Need to know now." "Do you think, under different circumstances, you would feel the same way about me?" "I think you need to calm down." "Calm down?" "Oh." "I think I know how I am." "And I certainly know how you are." "A walking generalized anxiety disorder with rapid cycling issues, precipitous abandonment, a tendency toward hypomania, possibly, who's magnifying all over the place!" "I love you!" "Uh..." "Run." "Uh..." "It just occurred to me, I haven't even met your family." "So, how'd it go with the therapist?" "Mr. Milbank?" "This is the office of Professor Paula Simon," "Mount Sinai School of Medicine." "We received your inquiry regarding your depersonalization study, and a spot has become available." "Please contact us at your convenience." "Dr. Paula Simon was the only doctor in North America researching depersonalization specifically, but I was determined to get through the four-day intensive, no matter what." "Plus, it would be a relief to finally meet other depersonalized people as I was beginning to think I was the only one." " Where are the others?" " Others?" "Other crazy test patients like me?" "It's just you this weekend, sweetheart." "I'll draw your blood every hour on the hour for 72 hours." "You're kidding." "You know, it's funny." "Everyone says that." "You'll see Dr. Simon on Sunday." "I'm the most selfish person in the world." "I blew the best thing that ever happened to me because I was afraid." "I'll see you in an hour." "Count backwards from 2,004 in groups of seven." "If you make a mistake, begin again." "1,997, 1,990." "Have any of you guys ever slept with a patient?" "All my attention should have been at the tests at hand, but for the first time, I wasn't thinking about my condition at all." "It was just Sara." "You have depersonalization disorder." "Well, I know that." " How do I get rid of it?" " We don't know at this time." "Well, you have to." "There's a great girl involved here." "I've heard." " What about the pot?" " Triggered what was already there." "It probably would have happened eventually." "But not definitely?" "Based on our current research, there was more than likely a predisposition there." "So, what do I do?" " There are medications." " I've taken them all." " And therapies." " I've done them." "Then I suggest you try to accept it." "You suggest I try to accept it?" "I do know of an excellent cognitive behaviorist at UCLA who's proven helpful." "4.2 feet of cubic space back here." " You won't find that in a Mercedes." " I'll take it." "Very bright and airy, beautiful backyard, stunning hardwood floors." " A very pretty yard." " I'll take it." " Oh, good." "Tim." "Tim, where is she?" " She's gone." " What?" " She left with some guy." " Where?" " Maui." "Look, an airport cab came to pick her up two hours ago." " Does that help?" " Which airline?" "I'm only doing this because I dislike him more than I dislike you." " Which airline?" " Delta." "You'll be towed!" "Hold on just a second." " Hudson, what are you doing here?" " Don't do this." "This guy can't make you swear the way I can." " Go home." " Home to what?" "You're the only one I can be myself around." "You're the only one I can be comfortable with." "I bought a new house and a car and I'm getting a smaller TV." "Hudson, it's not about a house or a car or a TV." "Okay, how about this?" "I love you." "Don't say that." "You could save me and you won't even try." "Sara." "Let's go." "Fuck." "Hello." "Can we talk?" "I'm busy." "Mmm-hmm." "Our dad just died and you're doing business on the phone?" "It's nothing." "It's just my brother." "Go ahead." "You wanna get off the phone?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Hudson?" "What are you doing?" "Nothing." " What happened with you and your brother?" " It doesn't matter." "That's what he said." "You ought to be downstairs with the others." "Would you stop that?" "Would you stop that?" "God damn it!" "What is wrong with you?" "Why have you always been so angry at me?" "Are you kidding?" "You know, they say the first three years of a child's life are the most essential." "I'm just curious, were you bouncing me on my head during that time?" "I'd really like to know how I turned out this way." "Well, it wasn't easy for me, either, Hudson." "Do you have any idea what a selfish boy you were?" "I was a kid." "Kids are supposed to be selfish." "Okay, fine." "I was a terrible mother!" "Is that what you wanna hear?" "Yeah, that's what I wanna hear!" "I just..." "I always..." "Of all the children, I thought that you and I, we're the most alike." "Well, that's certainly true." "Maybe I wasn't as nurturing as I should have been." "Well, that must have been really hard for you to say." "Mytheorywassimple." "If smoking marijuana triggered my problems, smoking even more would reverse it, shocking my synapses back to normal." "There was no science behind this, just gut feeling mixed with sheer desperation." "Was I scared?" "Absolutely." "Would it work?" "It had to." "You're okay." "Is that all you got?" "Is that all you got?" "God, no." "I needed a quick fix of manic adrenaline, to snap me back into a semblance of reality." "Hell, I deserved it, and I knew just the remedy." "Hey!" "What are you staring at?" "Probably best to keep it low-key around here." "So, what did you do?" "Shoplifted a pair of Aerosoles." "Good shoe." "What did you do?" "Nothing." "Well, they don't like that." " Hey, it's gonna be okay." " No, it's not." "I miss Sara." "I don't think I can be a writer anymore, and I am completely alone." "Do I look familiar to you?" "I've passed you and your dog outside the grocery store a hundred times." "A hundred times, and I never gave you anything." "I know." "Look, I'll wait here with you." "So, is that real enough for you?" "Maybe Dr. Simon was right." "Maybe I had a predisposition all along." "The pot was just an easy excuse to pin it on." "And maybe it was just me." "I was my problem." "Maybe my dad had it right." "Just pull up my socks and get out of my own way." " Hi." " Hello." "I'm here to tell you that I love you." "Now, even though I know you're gonna say, "Yeah, so?"" "I still love you." "Okay." " See you." " Yup." "Hudson, I think you're making a big mistake." "We need to have a session to discuss you ending your sessions." "This is your brain chemistry talking." "There are new medications coming out all the time." "This should square us up." "This your first time?" "I'll wait with you." "Oh, my God, you're so late." " Hudson Milbank." " God, you are so late." " Hudson Milbank." " You are so late." " Sorry I'm late." " No problem." "We understand that you can buy in the room, and my partner is very excited about that." "So excited that we've worked really hard for the last couple of weeks to come up with something great for you here today." "Well, that's not true." "He's been working really hard." "See, he's the writer." "He's a really good writer." "The only thing I'm really good at is bullshitting all of you guys, and that's just not enough for me to be good at anymore, so I'm gonna go." "Yeah, I'm gonna go." "Tom will take this home for you." "I'll put your name first." "I'll put your name first." "You know you can do this." "Do you need validation?" "You want to hear the $50 million version or the $100 million version?" "There you go, guys." "They were out of organic bananas." "Thanks." "So, how's Sara?" "She's..." "Right there." "She's right there." " Are you okay?" " I'm great." "Hi." "God, hi." " How are you?" " I'm good." "Good." " How are you?" " I'm good." " Good." " I'm better." "I mean, I'm not ever gonna be normal." "I'm still gonna be much more comfortable at 4:45 on the corner of Ventura and Woodman." "Hey, look, I don't wanna hold you up." "I just want to let you know that if you lost all your limbs, we'd still be together forever." "I mean, I really hope that doesn't happen because I think your limbs are pretty great." "And when I said your name, it would always sound safe." "I'm not sure about the perfume and the cologne thing, but I could try, you know." "I mean, I could pick some up." "I would always try to make you smile when you're tired." "I know you think that's really hard to do, but I think I could do that." "And you'd never have to be scared to tell me anything." "And if you like this shirt, I wouldn't take it off for a month." "And I'd be more than willing to paint your grandmother's toenails so your grandfather doesn't have to do it anymore." "You don't have to save me, Sara." "But I am gonna love you for the rest of my life, so things would be a lot better for me if you were around." "Okay."