"Yes!" "That's my boy!" "Hey, guys." "What's going on?" "He just hit another bull's-eye." "He's unbelievable." "Come here, you!" "[ Both grunting ]" "It's funny, dad." "I don't remember you being such a hugger." "And I don't remember you ever hitting a bull's-eye." "You big knucklehead, you." "Ahh, you're the knucklehead." " We're gonna kick butt!" " In what?" "The father and son darts tournament." " Oh, that was always so much fun." " Great fun." "For us, to do together -- the actual father and son." "Well, I've been playing with Owen since you've been away." "He's one of those rare players that makes you better by playing with him." "[ Chuckles ] We're reigning father and son champs." "We even look alike." "That's great." "I-I'm still a little stuck on the "father and son" thing." "Well, it just made sense." "My dad abandoned me, and you abandoned your dad." "I didn't abandon him." "I went to law school." "Yeah." "I'm sure my dad had his justifications, too." "You're okay with this, right?" "I mean, Owen's really, really good." "Yeah, I guess, dad, but one of the reasons I left the corporate life in New York was that I could come home and do stuff just like this with you." "You left a six-figure job so you could play in a bar darts tournament?" "I did it to be with my family and spend time with the people that matter most to me." "Well, that's a beautiful sentiment." "But here's the thing." "You suck at darts." "I don't suck at darts!" "No, no." "You're a terrific kid." "You're good at so many things." "You're -- you're good at reading." "You're, uh..." "You're also tall." "I'm actually taller." "That's true!" "I mean, look at the reach on him!" "He's like three inches from the board!" "You see, Owen and I are winners." "We got a trophy!" "Look at it!" "It's got a naked lady holding a dart." "It's got eagles." "Yeah, I get it." "Birds and boobies -- very classy." "But I'm your son." "Yeah, look, I hear you." "I know you're having a little trouble with this, but I'll tell you what." "You and me, next week, we'll do something together just the two of us." "Is that okay?" "That'd be great, dad." "We'll get together then, son." "We'll have a good time, then." "I feel a little weird about this." "I mean, technically Steve is your son." "Not technically." "I am his son." "Maybe you guys should play together." "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "He's terrible!" "But you have some wonderful qualities." "Yeah, the height, the reading." "I know what it's like to not have a dad to play with." "It sucks." "I never even knew my dad." "The last thing I want to do is..." "Steal someone else's." "Great." "Look what you did to your brother." "♪ da, da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪" "♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪" "♪ da da da, da da da, da da da da ♪" "♪ da, da da da, da da da, hey!" "♪" "No!" "Never move your body when you're throwing." "Just keep practicing." "Well, look who's not the favorite child anymore." "[ Chuckles ]" "The mighty Steve Sullivan gets knocked off his pedestal by a tiny dart." "[ Laughs ]" "I was all-state in hockey." "I can get the hang of freaking darts." "What if you can't, Steve?" "What if this is the one thing that starts your fall from grace?" "[ Gasps ] Dad's still not over you abandoning him." "I went to law school!" "Listen, mom, I know you don't like to talk about this, but I really want to find my dad." "Oh." "Why, honey?" "I was a good mom." "You were the best." "You had three hots and a cot." "You had plenty of male role models around -- sometimes two or three a night." "Oh, mom, I'm grateful." "It's not about that." "I just want to play once with my real dad." "I've told you a million times." "I was kind of a wild child back then." "But if I could just spark your memories of the time -- honey, nobody remembers what happened in the '60s." "It all went by in a haze." "I was born in 1980." "It was a long haze." "But if we could just narrow it down -- how?" "I can't even remember what was happening the weekend you were conceived." "Shouldn't be too hard to figure out." "Your birthday was November 5th." "Oh, let's ask the Google machine." "It knows everything." "You know, your mom's kind of famous." "She's the reason Pittsburgh's now known as "the most livable city."" "Yeah, people used to hate it here!" "But she'd get 'em on the way into town and again on the way out." "And suddenly, people didn't mind coming to Pittsburgh anymore." "I'm a booster." "[ Chuckles ]" "Well, according to the "Google machine,"" "it was a busy time in Pittsburgh." "And this doesn't work out." "Future Senator Arlen Specter was giving a speech downtown." "[ Giggles ] Oh, Arlen." "The steelers were in town." "Was Terry what's his name playing?" "Terry Bradshaw?" "Aw, he was on the injury list that week." "Oh, I could have done that." "Holy crap!" "Terry Bradshaw could be my father!" "That's awesome!" "You're so lucky." "My mom only slept with my dad." "Earth Wind  Fire played the Civic Arena." "Carol, you want to freak us all out?" "Well, I definitely did not sleep with earth or fire." "But I could have blown wind." "[ Cellphone ringing ]" "Oh, damn it." "I hate this stupid thing." "How do you make it stop ringing?" "Oh." "Well Owen, your mom casts a pretty wide net." "For every celebrity, there were probably 10 guys who worked at Radio Shack." "My dad did not work at Radio Shack!" "He was somebody big and important." "I don't know." "When you need batteries..." "Look, I know you want your dad to be famous or important, but it's not gonna make up for him not being around." "You're just jealous, Steve." "You don't want my dad to be cooler than your dad." "Let me tell you something." "I'm gonna find my dad, and when I do, we're gonna go outside and play catch with a football!" "Unless it's Senator Specter, then we may have to do something inside." "[ Cellphone ringing ]" "That's probably senator specter right now inviting me to Washington!" "If you'll excuse me." "Hello, Senator dad?" "I just hope that he's not getting his hopes up too high." "What are the chances that his dad is somebody famous?" "You're right." "Carol's been here every night for 30 years." "I mean, this is her hunting ground." "It's probably somebody right from this bar." "[ Both mumbling ]" "Don't go there." "Did you see that out there?" "Somebody has to tell Owen." "Hank could be Owen's dad.." "At least 50% of human race could be Owen's dad." "That woman's had more dongs than a Vietnamese phonebook." "You saw it, too." "They both hold their phone that same weird way." "And fathers and sons often have traits in common." "Then why can't you play darts?" "Do you know if Hank and Carol ever -- it doesn't matter what I know or what I don't know." "I can't say anything, and neither can you." "We're bartenders." "We have to follow the bartenders code." "But doesn't Owen deserve to know who his father is?" "Look, when you step behind that bar, you take an oath." "People trust their secrets to bartenders, and you cannot violate that oath!" "You have no idea what I know from standing behind that bar for the last 30 years." "What the hell do you know?" "Things." "I know things." "And I can't say." "We stare at each other at dinner every night with nothing to say." "Now I find you been keeping the good stuff from me." "All these years, I just thought you were boring." "You see what you started?" "Why is he so pissed at me lately?" "Well, what you expect?" "You abandoned him." "I went to law school!" "Steve, awesome news!" "I narrowed it down!" "There's 25 guys that could be my dad." "Wow, 12 of them are Pittsburgh Penguins." "You know, it could just be a regular guy." "You're right." "Listen, thanks again for all the help, but I'm sorry I went crazy on you yesterday." "It's just this dad thing's got me all worked up." "Don't worry about it." "You probably get your fiery temper from your dad." "That's a good point." "I do fly off the handle sometimes." "But I should be looking for guys with TMJ and 3-hour erections." "But maybe it's a guy who hung out here." "I mean, your mom's here all the time." "I know I'm gonna find him." "I'm this close." "Yes." "Very, very close." "Psst!" "What are you doing?" "I'm not breaking the code," "I'm just kind of pushing him in the right direction." "No, no, no, no." "No pushing." "You got to let people figure these things out on their own." "But it's Owen we're talking about." "He's never gonna figure it out." "Then so be it." "Honor the bartenders code." "Do we have a secret handshake?" "See, now you're making it gay." "Wait a minute." "It just occurred to me." "Why didn't I see this before?" "It's so obvious." "Hank!" "You could know who my dad is!" "I don't know who your dad is, kid." "But you've been sitting here forever." "Do you remember seeing anything that might help me?" "Like what?" "Seeing your mom get plugged on top of the bar?" "Hey, that's my mom we're talking about!" "But did you see that?" "Kid, you've got a great mom." "Be happy with that." "You see that?" "It's happening." " His brain is starting to figure it out." " I know." "It smells like burning rubber bands." "What are you doing?" "What do you mean, what am I doing?" "I'm licking salt off my finger." "That you just dabbed up from your shirt." "Yeah, well, the salt on your shirt is part of" " the full pretzel experience." " The full pretzel experience." "Right." "I do the exact same thing." " Dad?" " What?" "!" "Dad!" "Let go of me!" "You're my dad!" "That is impossible!" "You sure you were never with my mom?" "Yes!" "And I'm probably the only guy in Pittsburgh who can say that." "Hank is totally my dad!" "We have the same fiery temper, we both love beer, we both dress awesomely." "Okay, maybe he is." "But there's only one way to know for sure." "You have to get a DNA test." "Great!" "Steve, you're my lawyer." "Go get a court order that forces him to be tied down so we can jerk him off!" "What court is that?" "I'm still stuck on the "we" part." "You know, Owen, for a DNA sample, you don't need Hank's personal fluids." "You just need a hair from both of you." "Okay, well, here's mine." "Whoa!" "Not from there." "Really?" "It just feels more science-y down there." "Hey, Hank." "You stay away from me, you giant freak!" "You know, sorry about grabbing you earlier." "I just kind of got carried away in the moment." "Well..." "I got him!" "Hey!" "Let me go!" "Quick!" "Somebody jerk him off!" "What's going on?" "!" "Owen thinks Hank's his dad." "Owen, stop it!" "Hank is not your dad!" "I told ya!" "I was a happily married man!" "Why would I want to beat the same drum every guy in America was banging?" "!" "No offense." " None taken." " All right." "And when you were conceived, I was at the top of my game." "So can you give me a little more credit than Hank, please?" "And I don't go for small-minded, racist alcoholics." " No offense." " None taken." "But my son who married the Mexican said I've grown quite a lot." "What am I doing?" "If he wanted to find me, he had 30 years to do it." "I'm just one of those guys who's never gonna have a dad." "You know what, Owen?" "You and my dad have a good thing going with this darts stuff." "Why don't you play with him in the tournament?" "I don't know, Steve." "I can't just borrow your dad every time I need one." "But he has been kind of a dad to you, too." "And that's cool." "He's a big guy." "There's enough dad to go around there." "Hey, thanks, man." "I mean, I love hanging with your dad, even if he isn't mine." "Some of my best memories were from our fishing trips." "You guys went fishing together?" "When did that start?" "Oh, we had such a great time building the go-kart." "You built a go-kart?" "Father and son champs!" "Dad, maybe you shouldn't drink so much before the tournament." "Nonsense, Ahmed." "When one learns the game of darts drunk, one must always play drunk." "Hello." "I am Amun, a very well-known and beloved personality in the arab community." "And even though it angers my fellow countrymen," "I very often make love with the Jewish women." "[ Giggles ]" "Okay, I'd like to welcome everyone to this year's father and son darts tournament." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Ooh, Jack, but we want to know why you're not playing with Steve this year?" "It's tradition I play with Owen." "Only since Steve left." "But he's back now." "Shouldn't you be playing with your actual son since this is a father and son tournament?" "I'm not sure I get your logic." "I don't know, Jack." "Maybe they're right." "Maybe I shouldn't play." "Oh, don't listen to them." "They're just trying to get in to your head." "They don't realize that nothing gets in there." "That's your gift!" "Now, come on!" "Let's play darts!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Come on, let's go!" "Let's go!" "Here we go." "That's my boy." " Ohh!" " Ohh!" " Ohh!" " Ohh!" "What just happened?" "!" "I don't know, Jack." "This dad stuff's just messing with my head." "I can't stop thinking about Steve." " Who?" " Your son." "Wait, now you got me confused." "He says he's cool with it, but I know he's not." "I see the way he looks at me." "It's the look of a kid who wants his dad and can't have him." "I invented that look." "You really did." "I'm not your son, Jack -- no matter how many times you take me to the zoo to see the pandas." "You took him to see the pandas?" "In a lot of ways, we are more than father and son." "We chose each other." "You can't choose your real family." "You're stuck with them." "I'm standing right here, dad!" "Think about what really matters." "Our trophy's on the line!" "Was it ever really our trophy?" "Ahmed:" "Hey, Jack." "You're up." "You're gonna have to forfeit unless you get up here." "[ Voice breaking ] Give me a minute, will ya?" "I just lost my son." "Am I here?" "!" "Steve, I know you're unhappy right now, but you take this too hard." "Your father and Owen just play darts." "But you own a bar with lots of customers." "And one of them just took a giant grumpy." "Go." "Hank." "Holy crap!" "You stopped me in midstream!" "You know how long it's gonna take me to get that going again?" "We have to tell him, Hank." "We don't know it was me." "But we don't know it wasnyou, either." "[ Sighs ] We never talked about that night." "I always wondered if you even remembered it." "Oh, I remember." "I wanted to talk to you the next day, but, you know..." "You were getting married." "Yeah, that wouldn't have been a good time to talk." "Look, Carol, I always felt kind of bad about that night." "Not for me." "I mean, it was one of the greatest nights of my life." "But, uh..." "I just hope you didn't feel like, uh," "I took advantage of you, like I was just some older guy panicking before his wedding night and didn't, you know..." "Didn't what?" "Care." "[ Sighs ] The funny thing is," "I thought I was taking advantage of you." "How's that?" "Well, you were this handsome man with responsibilities about to take the next big step in life." "And I was just a party girl looking for trouble, never even thinking about the consequences." "You know, I was faithful to my wife from that day we were married till the day she died." "I know you were, Hank." "Not that I didn't notice you." "Not that I didn't notice you noticing me." "Look, Hank." "It's not my secret to tell." "It's ours." "And if you don't want to tell him..." "I'll respect that." "Ah, I missed the window." "[ Cheering ]" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "So, Hank." "I kind of overheard you and Carol talking." "You did, huh?" "Don't you think you should tell Owen?" "Why?" "So what if it's me?" "My own kids wish it wasn't me." "They got no time for me." "Of course, I never had a lot of time for them." "Some people would think there's a connection there, but I say bullshit." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Okay, the winners are Leroy and Roy!" "Yeah!" "I'm gonna put this baby on the hood of my car!" "Mm-hmm!" "That's what I'm talking about." "I don't know, Hank." "It might be a nice change to have a kid that..." "Likes you." "Do I have to give him money?" "That's what all the others want." "I just think he wants to know." "Hey, uh, kid." "You still want me to, uh, I'll take the stupid test." "But you said -- I know what I said." "Upon reflection..." "It turns out there might be a chance." "I just hope, for your sake, it turns out it's not me." "Why?" "It'd be totally cool if you were my dad." " It would?" " Sure." "I've known you forever." "You're a great guy." "We hang out here all the time." "I mean, if Terry bradshaw was my dad, it'd be cool but weird." "I got nothing in common with that guy." "Whereas you both eat pretzel salt off your shirts." " You do it with sugar doughnuts?" " Of course." "Both:" "It's all part of the full doughnut experience." "Right." "[ Laughs ]" "Well, so how do I do this DNA thing?" "We just need a hair from ya." "All right." "It doesn't have to be from down there!" "Really?" "Yeah!" "Seems like it would be more science-y." "Right?" " They've been having breakfast together at Kelly O's." " No kidding." "I just hope Owen's all right, however it works out." "Hey, I got the results!" "[ Cheering ]" "[ Sighs ]" "As your attorney, no matter what's in this envelope, the important thing to remember is..." "You both owe me 50 bucks." "Just open it!" "And the DNA goes to..." "Oh." "Just a little DNA humor." "Open it!" "Open it!" "Open it!" "Open it!" "It's not a match." " Oh." " Oh." " Oh." " Oh." "Sorry, Owen." "Sorry, Hank." "So, I guess I won't see you for breakfast tomorrow?" "Why not?" "A bastard's got to eat, right?" "So, you still want to..." "Tomorrow's special is the flaky French toast!" "You're gonna love eating that off your shirt." "It's like an extra meal!" "[ Chuckles ]" "Awesome." "I'm sorry, dad, if you felt I abandoned you when I went to law school." "Ah, you didn't abandon me." "I couldn't have been more proud when you were a lawyer in New York, and I couldn't be more proud now." "It's just that in all that time away, I just wished..." "What, dad?" "That you had learned to throw a freaking dart." "If I'd known it was that important to you," "I would have went to dart school." "You never would have gotten in." "I'm good at other things, too." "How about, uh..." "Father-and-son supreme court re-enactments?" "Yeah, that sounds like fun." "All right, that sucked, but, uh, I'm sure we can find something to do together." "We're doing it."