"It'll be ready in 10 minutes." "Maybe twelve... fourteen minutes." "No!" "10 and that's it." " Good afternoon." " Good afternoon." "Would you care for a drink?" "We don't drink, but we will while we wait." " Wait for what?" " For our meal." "A good and copious one." "Are you the chef?" "No, it's my brother." "I'll let him know." "Cigalon!" "Cigalon!" " What?" " They want to eat." "Eat what?" "I don't know." "They want to eat." "I thought so." "Yes Sir?" "First, an aperitif." "Picon for me and Quinquina for the others." "Sidonie, get the drinks." "And bones for the dog." "Yesterday's leftovers." "Good." "What do you suggest for us?" "What will you eat?" "If he's a chef, I'm an omnibus." "Is the old bag mad?" "Well, she's slightly nuts but she's harmless." "It's her birthday." "Happy returns." "That's why I promised the whole family a feast to be remembered." " So here we are." " I see." " Here you are." " Here we are, here we are here." "Tell me, what's on the menu," "I mean, generally?" "A local speciality?" "With all the poachers around, what we eat most is game." " Game?" " What sort?" " Well, small birds are my favourite." "White tails, red tails..." "How are they cooked?" " How do I cook them?" " Yes, how?" "I spit-roast them wrapped in bacon." "I make a vine wood fire," "I set the roasting spit, the birds melt, the juice drops on the bread, nice fat slices of country bread." "When they're done, I remove the livers," "I chop them and spread them on the toast." "I serve with a fresh crunchy lettuce and the lightest touch of garlic." "It's a pure delight." "It sounds good." "So we'll have small birds." " Have you got them?" " No!" " Where are they?" " Here!" " I don't have any." " How come?" "I have no thrush, no sparrow, nothing!" "Why mention birds then?" "I didn't, I was just answering questions." " So what will we eat?" " Yes, what?" " What will you eat?" " You tell us." "I'm not a magician." "You'll eat what you've brought." "We brought nothing." "So you'll eat nothing." " Not possible!" " I'm afraid it is." " You're hungry?" " Terribly." "Really hungry, I mean, you're ravenous?" " I'm about to faint." " Sorry." "Truly." "But I've got nothing except for the dog." "Eat, good dog." "Isn't this a restaurant?" "It's Written:" "RESTAU RANT." "What do your patrons get?" "This!" "Isn't it wonderful?" "Don't say it's not!" "Even the old lady wouldn't deny it!" "It's wonderful but we're hungry." "You've been here 10 minutes and all you talk about is eating." "What else in a restaurant?" "This not a real restaurant." "It's a view, people eat with their eyes." " Can you make an omelette?" " Yes, I can." "But I won't ever serve one." "An omelette!" "Me, a chef!" "You're as mad as the old bag." "A cream pollard, yes." "A crayfish soup, yes." "But an omelette!" "I won't bother for an omelette." "You cook roast chickens!" "I used to but not anymore." " Or fish soup." " Not today." " What for then?" " For nothing!" "I can't be bothered." "Give me the eggs, I'll cook it myself." "Where?" " In the kitchen." " Are you joking?" "A stranger in my kitchen?" "My pans in unskilled hands?" "No, thanks." "I'm too zealous a chef!" "I've got it." "You're not a chef." "You've never been one." "Sir, I was a chef at the Noailles Hotel and at the Splendid." "I found the famous stuffed pheasant recipe." "It was lost for centuries." "I modernised it by adding 15 drops of garlic juice." "My name is in the Golden Book of French cuisine." "Doesn't that make me a chef?" "For 30 years, Sir, the man in front of you mused over my stove and melted as I mused and mused as I melted." "Shrove Tuesday goose, Christmas turkey," "Spring woodcocks and Autumn larks sweating in their lard coats." "I was hotter than they were because I was not rotating." "I roasted on my front side only." "Me!" "Not a chef?" "If we were on the beach, you could see it for yourself." "I'm all creased up, wrinkled." "My navel is as crunchy as a biscuit." "And here you are, telling me that I'm not a chef!" "That's a hard one to hear, Sir." "Real hard." "He may be a chef, who knows?" "Maybe, but he can't prove it." "You want me to prove it?" "Is this a court?" "You want me to prove it?" "I will." "Come, Sidonie!" "That wasn't so hard after all." "Mutton feet and tripe é la Provengale." "Move closer." "Listen!" "Glug glug glug..." "The slight but continuous bubbling cooks the tripe and tenderizes the feet." "I cleaned the fresh tripe myself." "I parboiled the feet, at a special temperature known only by me." "And now, smell it." "You smell it?" " Perfect." " Pure art!" "Give me some, I want some!" "You're too greedy!" " Am I not a chef?" " You definitely are." "Smell it one more time." "Am I not a great chef?" "You are." "A great chef." "Write it down in our Golden Book." ""Cigalon is a great chef."" "With pleasure." "I'll add:" ""Thank you" ""for the marvellous feet and tripe."" "Please." " Let me eat!" " You'll get some." "No, she won't." "It's sacred." "It's my dinner." "I gave you proofs." "That's all I can do for you." "Don't you dare snatch it from me." "That's a lesson for you." "I don't have your subtlety." "You'll eat in front of us?" "I'll have to if you stay here." "I wouldn't if I were you." " You're stupid!" " Really!" "You made us walk here to watch a chef eating." "What a criticism!" "A chef who eats." "Because for you, a chef isn't supposed to eat." "For 35 years, I ruined my appetite, tasting the others' food." "But now, that's finished." "The game is over." "I sit at the best table and I eat the best dish cooked especially for me." "This is a disgrace." "I'll write to the Guild a detailed letter of complaint." " How subtle of you." " You jerk!" "You're ridiculous!" "That's why he mocks you." "Me?" "Ridiculous?" "Yes, I am ridiculous, because I'm too kind, because I married a vicious and obstinate woman." "Don't listen to this brute." "You can go." "You know what it's like to be stuck with an ill-tempered and mad wife?" "You know what it's like to eat feet and tripe surrounded by a bunch of bickering idiots?" "Well, it is intolerable and I won't tolerate it." "Beat it, you and your family!" "Go and quarrel in another restaurant." "Leave me alone!" "I've a right to rest in my own house on a Sunday!" " Come, auntie." "Thanks for your welcome." "And the fine cuisine." "And such a pleasant day." "We'll recommend you to our friends." "See you soon." "Your tripe is delicious." "Only you can cook it so well." "A secret." "My secret." "It's sad to think that when I die, nobody will ever eat it cooked this way." "I know your recipe is a secret but you could write it in your will." "My secret is the boiling temperature." "The exact degree." "I've never told anyone." "Not even you." "I won't tell." "The secret will die with me." "You're wrong." "I'm pleased to be wrong for once." "Because since I'm always right, it'll be my first little flaw." "God will have one thing to pardon me for." "Fancy, Mrs Toffi!" " Hello." " Hello." "Hello Mr Cigalon, Mrs Cigalon." " Miss, if you don't mind." " Sorry." "You're touring the countryside?" "Yes, I've come with my nephew." "He's just finished his military service." " Say hello!" " Hello." " They enrolled him?" " For one year." "It's hard but you learn a thing or two, it makes you smarter." "He looks smart." "Take a seat if you like." "How is the laundry business?" "Linen will always get dirty and need to be cleaned." " But I've stopped working." " Is that so?" "I sold my business." " I have enough." " What will you do?" "I've come to see you about a delicate matter." "Sit down." " You want to borrow money?" " No!" " Just as well." "I'm not lending." " Thanks." "I have money." "I've known you for a while." "That's why I came to tell you what I'll do before I do it." " So?" "I'm through with laundries so I thought of opening a restaurant." "A restaurant?" "That's a clever woman who wants to please people and make money." "She wants to open a restaurant and whose advice does she want?" "Mine!" "Bravo!" "Have an orange." "Who else could I talk to?" "I'll give you my advice." "And that's precious." "Because I've given the matter a lot of thought." "As a journalist," "I'd have written many columns." "Let's take some distance." "A luxury place on the main avenue is good business." "The harbour is different." "Around Endoume, the atmosphere is particular." "For the Chartreux area, it's simple:" "I know everyone's tastes and habits, the temperature, the smells and the climate." " Are you with me?" " Quite." "But first things first:" "Where is it?" "It's here." "You want to buy the restaurant?" "No, I want to open another one." "Here, in the village, next to my restaurant specialised in home made preserves?" "Why not?" "A restaurant?" "Where people can eat?" "A place where they can eat well." "I rented Toine's house and ordered repairs." "They start tomorrow, hence my visit." "I've heard things in my life, insolent and presumptuous things, slander, dirty talk and abuse." "But such impudence, never!" "Never!" "Oh God!" "Cigalon!" "Here, drink!" "The feet and tripe got stuck..." "Drink!" "Jesus!" " Feel better?" " Yes." " Take the orange back!" " Here." "How dare you do this to us?" "Our own laundress!" "Don't be upset, calm down." "Let me explain." "Many people visit the area, especially on Sundays." "And you won't serve them." "Why do you object if I serve them?" "You won't lose anything." "I'll tell people my condition:" ""I can't serve you" ""unless Cigalon turns you down."" "They'll come here first." "I'll send them all to you." "Her restaurant will look as a stable!" "She's already seeing guests!" "She thinks she's a restaurateur!" "Look, this is hilarious." "I'm in stitches." " It doesn't show." " It's not a stable." "Don't say it is because it is not." "I know a stable when I see one." "You can't make the difference:" "an ass thinks a stable is a restaurant." "A 20m long dining-room!" "Electrical lighting and at the back, a bowered terrace." " A bowered terrace?" " Yes, for lovers." "A bowered terrace for lovers!" "What a disgrace!" "A place where people have to bring their food." "With a lantern at the door!" "What a shame!" "That's all we needed." "Pots and pans worth 4000 francs!" "Who will be cooking in that so-called restaurant?" " I Will." " She Will!" "I can picture it!" "This is insane!" "Senile delirium." "Nothing to be mad about." "Good, don't get mad." "Silly woman!" "Can you make the difference between a stew cooked in ironware and one in crock ware?" " No, I can't." " She can't!" "Can you cook Milanese minestrone?" "She can't." "What about Cumberland sauce?" "And Oxtail Hotchpot?" " Answer me!" " I don't know!" "I admit you can cook everything." "But you never cook!" "A good restaurant can make money so I'm opening one." "Mine is opened!" "But you won't serve people." "You won't lose any money if I feed them." "I don't care about money." "I have money." "It's a question of honour!" "I'm a restaurateur." "Whether I serve people or not," "I don't want competition." "If you dare open a hashhouse," "I'll ruin it." "We shall see." "I came to inform you out of respect for you." " Respect!" "It's an offence!" " An offence?" " You come to our house while we're having lunch to declare a war!" "That's respect for you!" "May I know the day and time when you turn on your stable stoves?" "I've nothing to hide." "On 10 July." "It gives us 2 months to fight back." "Now leave immediately." "You might steal my cooking secrets." "Cover the tripe so she can't smell it." " I've got a cold anyway." " Go away!" "The place is closed." "Don't bother." "I need no advice." "Don't bother closing, it's never been open." " Beat it!" "I'll reopen it!" "We shall see!" "Go back to your stables!" "Look at your sad face!" "This is stupid!" "Closing for preparatory works!" "Come with me." " Hello." " Sir?" "A word with you." "I'm listening." "I want to say that I'm ready." " For what?" " To open tomorrow." "I'm ready too." "To serve sausage, olives?" "Anchovies, salads?" "And on special occasions, a fried egg!" "While you declaim recipes without feeding anyone!" "I have a proposition but I'd rather speak inside." "The restaurant is not open yet." "Nobody will see it before the inauguration." "Very well." "I'll sit here." "Now, listen carefully and sit down." "You came to my place, in my village, near my restaurant to open your canteen." " I could have been upset." " You were!" " You nearly choked." " I could've choked you." " I didn't." " Thanks." "I could have ignored you and simply laughed it off." " Simply." "Laugh it off and ignore it." "I didn't." "I took your ridiculous project seriously." "Selling pork sausage..." "Donkey." " Why?" " Donkey sausage." "It wasn't the idea in itself, but I was shocked to see how cheeky, how shameless you were!" " A canteen..." " It is not a canteen!" "Not a canteen, but it's a challenge." "I took it up." "Since, I've been working in the day and thinking at night." "And this morning, I thought:" "Cigalon, you're going to crush this woman." " Crush?" " Yes." " How?" " As a bug." "That's nice." "You're very polite." "You're a gentleman." " Then?" " Then," "I looked at the newly painted walls, the set tables, the flowers in vases, the most sophisticated rotisserie and the shiny copper pans on the wall." "Yes indeed!" "When I walked in the kitchen," "I caused an eclipse." "Then I looked at the chef, in his chef's outfit." "A fork in one hand and a barding needle in the other." "I exclaimed:" ""He's got style!"" " You hired a chef?" " No, just me in the mirror." "Then I thought" "I'd awakened from a long sleep, looking 10 years younger." "What do I owe this to?" "To my neighbour's challenge." "Am I going to crush her?" "No!" " Why not?" " You won't." "Poor child!" "I won't crush you." "I'm grateful to you." "Mrs Toffi, thank you." "Yes, thank you." "You're welcome." "You know, your restaurant may look good." "But you'll see mine tomorrow." "A stable, donkey sausages!" "Well, I must thank you." "And I'll say something more." " What?" " Hold the chair and don't cry." "I'll propose something great, because I'm a kind man." "Please yourself." "It's to please you, Virginie." "Virginie," "I'm marrying you!" "Are you crazy!" "I may be." " Are you serious?" " Serious and reasonable." "Sit down." "Let's see the benefits of my plan." "This place becomes an annex to sell ham, sausages and store preserves." "There'll be a few tables for the chauffeurs, the staff, umbrellas and birds." "My restaurant will be a success because we're a perfect and complementary match." "I'll devise the menu." "I'll peel the potatoes." " I'll welcome the guests." " And I'll clean the floor." " I'll talk to the guests." " I'll wash up." "A perfect marriage!" "My sister is delighted." "Deep inside, she likes you and so do I, Virginie." " I do like you." " That's news." "This is not new." "Remember that young laundress who used to come to a hotel kitchen for the cooks' dirty clothes and return them spotless?" "A young cook invited her for a day out." "She flatly refused." "It's my nicest romantic memory." "Virginie, give me your hand." "No." "" No?" "" No!" "Why?" "Won't you marry me?" " Certainly not." " Wretched woman, come to my restaurant." " No." "It's my turn to speak." "You don't take me seriously." "You think I'm joking." "It doesn't matter anyway." "I don't want to marry any man." "I married twice, and a half." "And a half?" "Two husbands and a weakness." "The 1st took my money, the 2nd also." "The 3rd sold my furniture." "Now you understand." "You can't compare me..." "Yes I can." "You're even worse." "Because you're nuts." " Nuts?" " Nuts!" " You're mad!" " You are!" "You're a self-admirer." "You're always the best." "I couldn't stand it." "I can see through your plan." " I know where the wind comes from." " Meaning?" "You're scared of me." "Your restaurant can't survive." "The trade is mine." "So, to avoid competition, you thought of marriage." "It's not on." "No more speeches." "Go back to your eclipse while I cook omelettes." "Are you perfectly sane?" " Yes." " And you refuse to marry Cigalon?" "Let me tell you..." "Who do you think you are?" " Let me..." " A tyrant using his sister and too lazy to cook." "A wicked man intent to ruin a good woman." "I will open my inn and have more guests than you." "If you make half my profits, I'll marry you." "Let me tell you..." " What?" " Nothing!" "Good bye!" "Hear, hear!" "Mrs Toffi informs the population of the village that she will open her inn next Sunday and serve meals." "Homely, shady bowers and electricity." "Hear, hear!" "Madam!" "The war is on!" "I will crush you!" "AT MRS TOFFl'S INN YOU CAN EAT" "CIGALON'S RESTAURANT SPECIALISED IN EVERYTHING" " Hello Mrs Toffi." " Hello." " Is he busy?" " Not one guest." "Only 2 trams will stop here now." "He must be furious." "They're all avoiding him." "What about you, how many?" "9 on the terrace and 5 inside." "Maybe more will come." "Those on the terrace are tourists." "They've ordered only filtered water." "Look, the noon tram passengers coming up." "Probably quite fancy." "The food must be better next door." "It's overpriced!" "Go, Gentlemen!" "Go to the inn, to eat omelettes cooked in petrol, battery birds and donkey sausage." "There's no chemist in the village." "To buy paregoric, you'll have to walk a mile." "Shut up, you clown!" "Fancy chef!" "No, nothing can replace butter." "To cook you need to be a chef." "You can become a laundress but being a chef is inborn." "You're right." "A trip will do you good." "I can't, I'm broke." "Then they'll get you." "No." "I know where I'd be safe:" "In prison." " Maybe." "Let me tell you." "The guards keep you in but they keep the others out." "If I come out after 6 months, the matter will be settled." "You don't decide go to jail just like that." "Easier than going to Oxford." "Maybe." "But when you are where you said, you can go out at anytime." "In prison, 6 months can turn into 5 years." " Depending on the judge." " And the crime." "There's a maximum sentence." " I know what to do." " Pickpocketting?" " No." "Chiseling." " What's that?" "You eat in a restaurant and after brandy, you say:" "I've no money." "Then they call the cops." "15 days, suspended." "Not the third time." "Done it before?" "I'll do it again today." "Be my guest." "They'll leave you alone." "But before they call the police, all the waiters will beat us up." "I'd rather not be part of it." "But at 13.40," "I'll think of your backside." "I'll cry for you." "Cry with laughter." "You can laugh." "You've chosen the place?" "No but I've chosen the jail." "I like Aix prison." "It's cosy." " Melun is better." " Not really." "How would you know." "Been there?" " No." " A palace." "It beats Fontainebleau." "Maybe, but I can't afford the trip." "I've 50 francs left." "I'll take a cab and stop at a posh restaurant." "See the sort I mean?" "I trust my luck." " The chef won't be so lucky." " Too bad." "Taxi!" " Ciao, Vicco." " Ciao." "In that restaurant, if the waiters are like this, don't go in." "Ciao!" " Cigalon?" " What?" "There's a blister on the fowl." "Damn it!" "The spit's stuck." "A 30-franc guinea-fowl!" "So delicious." "The one who eats it is a lucky man." " The lucky man has not arrived yet." "He will." "When you cook a fowl as noble as this, on such vine wood fire, mysterious things happen." "This roasting bird will inform the local gourmets." "Their flaring nostrils sniff at the wind and they come here." "It's 12 o'clock and nobody's come." "The next tram is at 1 o'clock." "Who cares about trams?" "Would a gourmet catch a tram?" "Poor girl." "A gourmet has a delicate bottom and fears wooden seats." "The man who will eat this can only come by car." "Cars rarely come to the village." "One will come today." "Listen!" "An engine!" "Really!" "Keep the change." "He's a gourmet." "Sir!" "Sir!" "Count!" " Did you call me "count"?" " Yes." "Don't make a mistake unworthy of a man like you." "I don't know you but I understand you." "Aren't you here on your own to enjoy a good meal?" " Absolutely." " This way, then." "Follow me." "Thief!" "Aren't you ashamed to tout people like this?" "Don't mind her, she's my laundress." "Come." "No he won't!" " Easy!" " Don't you dare hassle the Count." "And what for?" "You intend to cook for him?" " Yes." " You think boiling dirty linen can be compared to cooking?" "Count, a laundress can just bleach a sauce and wash ravioli, grill a steak with an iron!" "Better have your linen cleaned by me than eat her food." " Follow me." " No, he won't." "He won't serve you." "He can't cook." " This is an insult!" " Eclipse!" " Donkey sausage!" " Dressing as a clown won't impress him." "You'd better come to my inn before it's booked up." "You shouldn't bring this ladle here." "It stinks of cod liver and axle grease." "Wait... don't smell it, it'll ruin your palate." "Come with me." " Virgile!" "Look!" "He's taking away our best customer." " He was coming our way." " True." "And this crook snatched him away." "He won't get away with it." " There's a witness." " I saw it too." "This man was about to go in when the statue rushed to him." "Our witnesses have their own witnesses." "Sir, tell us the truth." " You'd chosen our restaurant?" " He had!" "But as he was at the door, he felt sick and turned to me." "Not at all!" "He didn't." "Cigalon is a rich man who wants to deprive a widow." "I need customers." "Come with me." " I'll look after you." " You're poor?" "Not really poor, nor really rich." "I work for a living." "I work for art!" "I'll go to his place." " To the richest!" " He's right." "A rich chef is a good chef." "God will punish you." "Be prepared." "I'll take you to court!" "Shut up, woman!" "Bed sheet cleaner!" "Shirt ironer!" "Collar starcher!" "The Count wisely made the difference!" " Abusing me publicly!" " Don't cry, auntie." "Don't cry." "I'll eat at your place." "And better than there." "The omelette's burning!" "Your hat..." "Cloakroom service!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Take care of the Count's hat." " You want to eat good food?" " Good food." "An aperitif?" "What?" "No, no aperitif." "Right." "Aperitifs ruin the palate." "Starters?" "No starters." "Those appetizers ruin your appetite." "A gourmet!" "One at least!" "Would you like my advice or would you like to choose yourself?" "I trust you to choose the dishes in season, suitable for the day and for me." " Good." "What about the price?" "Never mind." "Really." "Great." "I'm not a greedy man." "But an artist needs freedom to create a masterpiece according to his taste, instinct and supplies." "You'll be fully satisfied." "Thanks for trusting me." "I'm confident." "It'll be a fair price." "I bet it Will be." "The best guest!" "In a car!" "And so distinguished!" "A noble man!" "Noblemen are pigs!" "No." "Look, he has only one guest." " We have 15." " They eat nothing." "They'll survive." "They can die but not here." "A 10-franc bill each!" "They ordered sausage, fried eggs, a lamb chop and cheese." "Nothing." "Whereas the other..." "Don't cry, auntie." "He must have ordered two meat dishes for himself." "What can we do?" "Come here, lad!" "Come here." "Go and see what the man is eating." "Tell me how many plates." "Hurry up!" "Not a good idea." "It'll only hurt your feelings." "Don't think he'll eat a 1000-franc meal." "He looks smart but he's no millionaire." "Soup fish é la Provengale." "Made with rock-fish." "One kilo of scorpionfish." "Capelan, angler fish, John Dory and some seafood." "Still wriggling when I boiled them, as if they where applauding me." " You deserve it." " Thank you." "Who is this?" " A Gypsy?" " He's just curious." "Come in, boy." "Come closer and have a look." "This is a rare thing: a good meal eaten by a gourmet." "A complete success!" "Watch carefully and never forget." "Delicious." "Thanks." "Now, the next dish." "Bouillabaisse." "Virgile!" "Virgile!" " He's having bouillabaisse." " Really?" " So he's from Paris." " I knew it!" "A lot of bouillabaisse?" "4 platefuls of spiky fish." "Scorpionfish!" "Bouillabaisse with scorpionfish." "He'll charge him 40 francs." "For a Parisian, it's normal." " Let me add up." "What for?" "To see how much he cheated us." "Bouillabaisse: 40 francs." " Drink?" " White wine." " A wax-sealed bottle?" " Red wax." "Sealed!" "We could have sold the same!" "We don't have any." "We have wax." "With wax, you can seal a bottle." "Sealed wine: 12 francs." "12 francs." "Listen, go back there." "Stand close to the man, very close." "And see if it smells good." "Hurry." "I'll give you 20 cents." "Sealed wine: 12 francs." "It's not finished!" "Spit-roasted guinea fowl slightly sprayed with chives elixir." "Toast with foie gras from Toulouse." "Fresh lettuce." "And now, some music." "Go and get it." "Music?" "Just be prepared." " Perfectly cooked." " Look at it!" "The wings come off easily." "Now the breast." " The bird must be costly." " Yes." "If you eat it all, it'll cost you 60 francs." " I'll eat it." ""I'll eat it all!"" "60 francs." "You're my first guest who is happy to hear the price." "Sundays make me happy." "Here's the music." "Wine waiter, come closer." "Burgundy wine, Count." "Not heavy but joyful." "Melodious." "15 years in the cellar." "It's a quiet, unpretentious wine," "but it has a soul." "This wine sings and dances to its own song." "It'll dance on your tongue and leave a kiss on your lips." "A guinea fowl." "At least 50 francs." "We could have served him guinea fowl." "Be reasonable." "We don't have guinea fowls." " We could have made one." " What with?" "The parrot." "Once plucked and cooked, it won't speak." "Who will know?" "A guinea fowl: 50 francs." "We've been waiting 15 minutes on the terrace." "Waiting for what?" "For guinea fowls?" "Why slave for 10 francs?" "I won't get rich selling sausage." "Go and see what they want." "Anchovies and olives I bet." "Even in a big restaurant," "I've never used leftovers for the ravioli." "And I've never cooked cannelloni." "What's so special in cannelloni?" "Cannelloni is a square piece of pasta." "You roll it like a cigarette and stuff it with leftovers, sad spinach and sausage." "Poor choice." "In fact cannelloni is like a waste bin:" "they clear the kitchen leftovers." "No need to throw them away, give them to the customers." "But not here." "Whereas Mrs Toffi must serve them often." "Come here, my boy." "Listen." "Go to Mrs Tom's." "Count the guests, see what they eat." "You'll tell me." "I'll give you 20 cents." "Give them now." "You're suspicious, good." "Here." "I've just been there." "The terrace is full of tourists." "She can have tourists and the quantity." "I have the quality." "What did they order?" " Filtered water." " Water!" "Serves her right." "What about the food?" " They brought their own." " They did?" "Really!" "Very thoughtful of them." "Mrs Toffi, poor laundress, you tried to double-cross me, to humiliate Cigalon." "The Lord punished you." "Here, 20 cents more." "Wait..." "Here." "You have a serious grudge against this lady." "Are you bad-tempered?" "I'm a faithful friend and a patient servant." "But it's tit for tat." " Tat?" " Yes." "What do you mean by "tat"?" ""Tat" means to defend yourself." ""Tit" is to attack." "You attack, I react." "No forgiveness." "I can't stand vicious people." "This malevolent woman back-stabbed me." "It's unbearable." "It drives me mad." "That's annoying." "And worrying." "Still, you wouldn't go to extremes?" " Sorry?" " You wouldn't... kill someone?" "I don't know." "Frankly, I don't know." "Maybe." "Let's not waste time." "Cheese, fruit, brandy and cigar." " If you insist." "Sir, I swear it." "When the man came here, it was to have lunch." "I saw it in his eyes." "Didn't you?" "He had made up his mind." "He had a customer's look." "He walked as a customer." "He was hungry." "In any case, he didn't come in." "He didn't." "So Cigalon didn't really rob you." "What of this 200-franc bill?" "He stole 200 francs." "The terrace people." "The filtered water eaters." "Give them the pond water." "And now, Count, as it's your first time here, please do me a great honour." "Come and visit my kitchen." "It's an honour for me." "This way please." "Follow me." "And the brandy?" "How much for it?" "Brandy?" "As you like." "Ignore her, Count." "My sister is rambling." "Don't count the brandy." "If you don't mind, it's on the house." "It's logical, all is on the house." "All?" "The whole meal." "Really, I can't." "It makes no difference." "I have no dough." "Poor as a church mouse." " Sweet lord!" " It's a joke." "I'm not joking." "First, I'm not a count." "And I'm skinned." "All you can do is call the police." " It's not true?" " It's true." "I gave my last note to the driver." "Sit down." "Give him some water!" "Keep your hair on, old miser!" "Listen, I haven't got a cent." "I'm really broke." "I came here to eat well and be arrested." "It's crucial." " Have me arrested!" " Sidonie!" "Get the police." " Virgin Mary!" " Quick!" "Go and get the police!" "I'll hold him at gun point." " Hands up!" " Why?" "Hands up, thief!" "Blink and I blow your head off." "Don't aim at me." "I won't go." "I don't want to." "I did it to be arrested." "Shut up and don't move." "I allow you to say a prayer, but keep your hands up." "It's going off on its own." "This barrel's empty." "But the other is loaded." "Just watch it!" "Gangster, jail bird, ruffian, you're a criminal, a bandit!" "I'll shoot you for good." "He's mad." "I told him." "I could see he was no nobleman." "A 30-franc guinea fowl!" "A chef with a difference!" " He's visiting the kitchen." " God!" "That's for the bill." "Don't worry, auntie." " He's just a guest." " Of course." " Others will come." " Others!" "But not him." "The one with a car, with gloves, and who eats a lot, who doesn't check the bill, an extortionate bill." "What's that whistle?" "A busy can." "Strange can." "A speciality." "It's ripening." "It's done." "Listen, put it in the sun." "I'll throw it out." "Don't move!" " It's going to explode." " Not yet." "How do you know?" "Habit." "The 100th explodes." "I had 100." " Explosive?" " Every one!" "Change supplier." "I don't need advice!" "And stop fidgeting!" "You're off the line of fire." " Stop moving" " I'm nervous." " Listen." " What?" "Why not aim at me outside?" "You can't choose the place." "The victim chooses!" "Then, he tasted all the cheeses." "Then, he ate fruit." "Then he had coffee." "Then, 2 glasses of brandy." "Then he had a cigar long like this." "Then he showed his empty pockets and said:" ""I've no dough."" " Chiseling." "Cigalon's guarding him with his gun." "He'll get 3 to 6 months." "Cigalon thought he was a nobleman!" "He was mistaken." "He shouldn't have." "Jesus!" "It's bubbling!" "It's a sign of relief for the hole." "It might not explode." "You're sure?" " Scared?" " You would be too." "A self-firing gun and an exploding can!" "Eating my fowl didn't scare you." "A well-cooked fowl is not scary." "Now, the hole is jammed!" "It's going to explode!" "What are the cops doing!" "Human justice is always slow." "What makes this can bloat is God's justice." "It's a mighty bloat!" "Wait for the cannonade!" "I must tell Cubisol." "This isn't a can, it's artillery!" "A shower of tomato sauce." "It will ruin your suit, your thief's smart suit." "Help!" "It's just a flying lobster!" "Let me go out, I'm sick." "Don't move!" " Diarrhoea!" " Thieves' diarrhoea is God's justice." "In the village, 2 restaurants can't make a living." "If I'd known that Cigalon was serving food," "I wouldn't have opened one." "He takes the best guests." " It won't last." " It will." "He's cunning." "Not as mad as he looks." "The police!" "Virgile!" "The police are at Cigalon's!" "The police?" "What's happened?" "At ease!" " Here's our customer." " A shady one." "What a battlefield!" "What's this?" "A canned lobster." "The cannery didn't do a good job." "The lobster is ruined." "Crabillon." "A new recruit." "A new word for you:" "crustacean." "Lobsters, snails and turtles are crustaceans." "Prepare the table." "Ink and paper to write my report." "You're not familiar with chiseling, so it's a chance for you to learn." "Look at what I'm doing, listen to my words." "If you're clever you could become a sergeant and be in the same position as me." "This is chiseling, and probably violence." "This man tried to attack the plaintiff with cans and crustaceans." " Is that right?" " Not at all." "Crabillon, it's not that at all." " Not at all." " Let's not rush it." "Let's hear the story." "Just one thing though." "In a case, there's a plaintiff and a defendant." "The plaintiff is this man." "The defendant is this character." "Stand up." "Sir, tell your story." " He's eaten and he won't pay." " Not so fast!" "This is not a conversation but an inquiry." "I want a story with more details." " What did he eat?" " Here, the bill." " Good." " Are these original characters?" " What?" "He's the character." "I mean is this bill the original, it's not a copy?" "Isn't one enough?" "You want a copy?" "So it's the original." "Crabillon, examine this bill." "What question comes to your mind?" " He ate all this?" " Heartily." " Blimey!" " Crabillon!" "No swearing on a case." "He ate it all!" "Shit!" "He has a strong stomach." "He can't breathe." "Your gun stopped my digestion." "The food is sitting on me." "Why scare me like that?" "I wasn't escaping." " Now I'm sick." " He does look pale." "I could sue for death threats." " Sue!" " I heard him." " You're a thief and you want to sue?" " Why not?" "This is too much!" "Crabillon, slap the thief." "Sit down to receive it." " A hard or soft one?" " Ordinary." "One more!" "Go on!" "No!" "One's enough." "So he ate..." "The man is not stupid." "He refuses to pay." "And Cigalon dares call the police." " It's a shame." " And bad publicity." "This man was absolutely right." "Shut up, scandalmonger!" "Aren't you ashamed, at your age?" "Me, a scandalmonger?" "Did I need to call the police?" "Don't mix things up." "My guests are satisfied, yours won't pay." "The man's right." "His meal isn't worth more than 50 francs." "No more." "But you said it was worth 200." "Before the police came." "But with the police, it's 50." "He's right." "We declare:" "he refused to pay because he had no money." "Consequently," "Mr Cigalon accused him of chiseling." "Accordingly, we, police officers, arrested him immediately." "I feel sick." "Now he's being rude." "Crabillon, give the thief another slap." " Same type?" " Yes." "Thanks, I feel better." "What I need is bicarbonate." "All we need is him vomiting on the terrace." "I'm already ridiculed, he'll give me a bad name if he's sick in my kitchen." "What is it, what do you want?" "You, herd of gazing cows!" "You'll break my fence." "Can't we watch?" "Shut up, cannelloni eater!" "Don't breathe on my shrubs!" "You, school teacher, staring like a dummy." "Here, the cops write the bills!" "You, cuckold, instead of spying me, watch your wife!" "That's enough!" "Go away!" "Otherwise I'll sue you for disturbance at night." "Or worse:" "disturbance at night in the sun." "Here, drink this." "Criminal!" "Feeling better?" " Yes, thanks." " The taxi's still here since the driver's outside." "Finally, I won't sue you." " Come on!" " Look outside." "If they spread the news, I'm ruined." "They'll make songs about it." "I'm losing money but not my honour." "So we came here for nothing?" "This is questionable." "I'll offer the drinks." " We haven't eaten." " We'll feed you." "And you, yobbo, silly bastard, when you feel better, get out of here." "No!" "I don't want to go." "What do you mean?" "They must arrest me." "Why do you want to be arrested?" "Why?" "Why?" " Because I'm scared." " Of what?" "Last week, they arrested Frisé," "Favouille and Gras-Double, the bank cashier's killers." "They're going to be guillotined." "Probably." "They planned the robbery in a bar on the port." "That day, I was in the same bar." " You understand?" " No." "What link with my guinea fowl?" "They were arrested on someone's denunciation." "Their friends think it's me and they want to kill me." "I understand." "The other day, in the street, they made holes in my hat." " What with?" "With two bullets." "Yesterday, when I opened my door, the lock exploded, it was booby-trapped." "I wasn't seriously injured but my navel is bigger now." "Is it really possible?" "I'll show you." "That's enough!" "Respect my sister." "We believe you." "Ok, I won't insist." "I was scared, where could I hide?" "They'd find me anyway." "But if I was sent to jail, I would be safe." "I must be arrested." " Arrest me." " They can't," "I'm not suing." " If he insists, we have motives." "I'll arrest him." "Just slap the sergeant hard." " Sergeant?" " Certainly not!" "If you do, I'll arrest you." "That's what I want!" "Don't arrest him here." "He's my customer, my uninvited guest." "Well, if he wants to slap a police officer, a serious offence, he can slap another, elsewhere." "If someone must be slapped, why not Camoins-les-Bains Superintendent?" "The four-eyed one." "Clever idea." "Yes, he objected to my ads." "If you slap him, I'll forgive you." "How long will I get for it?" "4 to 6 months." "4 to 6 months?" "Still, slapping the sergeant now is tempting." "You want to harm me again?" "No, it wouldn't be fair." "Life is a compromise." "Ok, the Superintendent." "Excellent." "Is my taxi here?" " My hat and gloves." " Quick, Sidonie." " The taxi?" " What?" " Who will pay him?" " Not the Super." "Not me either." "Certainly not me!" "So he won't be paid." "You'll cheat this honest driver of 10 or 12 francs?" "Sir, I won't have any of this." "I know what you have:" "free bread and guinea fowl." "I won't argue anymore." "I give you 3 minutes to pay him, otherwise I'll slap the sergeant." " What if it was chiseling?" " Chiseling!" "It's guinea fowl, the boy saw it." "No." "I mean a crook, someone with no money who eats his meal and won't pay for it." "He could be." "It'd be too good to be true." "I could cry with joy." "You'll arrest him if he slaps you?" " Henceforth." " You mean immediately?" "Immediately." "Henceforth." "If Mrs Toffi wasn't sneering on the terrace, with 30 other fools, I'd skewer him." "But I have to surrender." "Here's what we'll do." "You must accept, otherwise I'll use my gun!" "Easy!" "I'll give you 150 francs." "Give 100 to the driver and 50 to me, publicly." "With complimentary words, you'll congratulate me:" ""You're a wonderful chef." ""I'll come again."" "Please come and have lunch." "The chicken is cooked, we'll share it." " With pleasure." "Let's eat before we hear from the police station." "Don't go away!" "You must see Cigalon's punishment." "Children, come closer!" "Look at the gentleman being arrested and Cigalon looking furious." "The moral:" "cheat people and you'll be cheated." "Auntie, here they come!" "The Count's car!" "This meal was excellent and quite cheap." "Count, you're too kind." " You're an artist." " I'm honoured." "You deserve it." "Keep the change." "It's too much..." "To Camoins-les-Bains." "Mrs Toffi, don't cry." "You made a scandal, you wanted to outdo me, and said a foolish thing:" ""His customer won't pay."" "But he did, look at the tip." "I'll give it to Virgile." "Take this note." "I've made enough profit." "You're clever." "More clever than you think." "Remember your promise." " What promise?" " You said:" ""if you earn more than me..."" "Don't say it publicly." "Virgile, go and see to the inn." "Your aunt is coming with me a moment." "The police and my sister are there." "She'll be safe." "But I may not return her."