"BLACKADDER "The Cavalier Years"" " Baldrick!" " Yes, sir?" "Get me some mulled ale, will you?" "I'm freezing." "How's the King, sir?" "About as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush." "Do you think the Roundheads will find him?" "Certainly not." "I've assured him that he's as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises." "Is that true?" "Yes, of course it's true." "Have you ever known me to lie to the King?" "Yes." " No." " Exactly." "He's absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut." "You can trust me, sir." "Right, Baldrick, I'm off to answer the call of nature." "If, by any freak chance, Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next 90 seconds, remember:" " "The King is not hiding here."" " Yes, sir." "# Greensleeves... #" "Good evening, citizen." "I am Oliver Cromwell." "My men have surrounded your house, and I'm looking for royalist scum." "Is the King hiding here?" "No." "On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?" "Yes, I am." "I see." "Well then, my proud beauty, you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?" "Men, come in from the cold, will you?" "Now, we'll all have a cup of milk by your fireside." "All right, but don't touch the purple cup." " Why not?" " That's the King's." "Thank you, citizen." "You may leave me alone with King Charles." "Mr. Cromwell, how delightful to see you again." "Don't get up." "Don't get up." "Tell me, have you come far?" "I have, sir." "From country squire to Lord Protector of England." "Fascinating, absolutely fascinating." "Tell me, what exactly does a lord protector do?" "He spells your doom, sir." "He spells my doom?" "Wonderful!" "That's particularly exciting because so many people these days can't spell at all." "Particularly in the inner cities, which is my area of interest." "Speak, sir." "But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold." "Jolly good!" "Fascinating!" "Carry on." "A priest, sir." "To help you make your peace with God before you die." " Oh, hello." " Your Majesty," "I've arranged for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape." "Blackadder!" "You're dressed as a priest!" "How dangerous and stupid and perverted!" "It's just like school." "Sire, this is a matter of life and death." "Nonsense, Blackadder." "I don't think any jury in England would bring in a verdict of guilty against me." "Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury." "So, what does it say?" "Guilty or not guilty?" "I'll give you two guesses." "Not guilty." "One more guess." "Oh, damn!" "One measly civil war in the entire history of England, and I'm on the wrong bloody side!" "Something wrong, sir?" "Yes, Baldrick." "If the King dies, we royalists are doomed." "We will enter a hideous age of Puritanism." "They'll close all the theatres." "Lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal." "And I won't be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne." "If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop." "Oh, I love chops." "Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen." " In what way?" " It doesn't exist." " Oh, God." "What will we do?" " Don't despair, something'll pop up." "Not under Puritanism it won't." "We must do something." "We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant." "What ant?" "That one." "So this is the day of the execution of Charles I." "Absolutely not, Your Majesty." "Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle." "Fascinating." "What is that exactly?" "They will never find a man to behead you." "They'd have hundreds of volunteers to execute Cromwell, he's so ugly." "He's got so many warts on his face it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is his nose." "But they'll never find a man to execute you." "Well, I find that absolutely tragic." "There are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this." "All they need is the initiative, somehow." "I suppose, in a sense, that's what my award scheme is all about." " Really?" " Yes." "On the other hand, of course, I don't want my head cut off." " It's a question of balance, like..." " Shut up!" "With respect Your Majesty." "They'll never find an executioner." "And if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket." "A message for the King." "# There's a tavern in the town... #" "For God's sake, stop that Baldrick!" "It's bad enough having one's life in ruins, without being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster." "I'm sorry, sir." "I can't help it." "You see, I've just had a little windfall." "Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden." "No, I mean I've come into some money." "Really?" "Family inheritance?" "No, I ate that ages ago." "Yes, of course." "Your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip." "No, it was 50 pounds actually, it was delicious." "But this is just a little something that fell in my lap." "Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap." " No, but this one is a job." " Really?" "I just don't understand it." "Where on earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England?" " Baldrick?" " Yes." " That little job that fell into your lap..." " Yes." "It wasn't by any chance something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask and the King of England?" " No." " Go on." "I couldn't find a basket." "You very small total bastard!" "Please, sir, don't kill me." "I have a cunning plan to save the King." "Forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy." "Your family's record in cunning planning is about as impressive as "Stumpy" Oleg McNolegs' personal best in the Market Harborough marathon." "All right, what's the plan?" "A pumpkin..." "is going to save the king." "But over here, I have one that I prepared earlier." "I'll balance it on the King's head, like this." "Then I'll cover his real head with a cloak and then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head," "I'll cut off the pumpkin and the King survives!" " I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick." " Why not?" "Because once you've cut it off you have to hold it up and say," ""This is the head of a traitor." At which point, they'll shout back," ""No, it's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it."" "I suppose it's not 100% convincing." "It's not 1% convincing." "However, I am a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment," "Here's my fist, kindly run towards it as fast as you can." "I just don't understand it." "What possessed you to take the job?" "I'm sorry, sir." "It was just a wild silly foolish plan." "I thought with the money I got from executing the King," "I could sneak out and buy a new king when no one was looking and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing." "Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants." "You'd do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you?" "It was a thousand pounds actually sir, plus tip." "Well I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they?" "And when it's gonna be done, it's got to be done in single stroke, by someone who actually owns an axe." "We don't want you hacking away at it all afternoon with your cheap penknife of yours." "It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning with his neck flapping like fish's gills." " Sir, you don't mean?" " Yep, I'm doing it." "Lend me your costume, then go immediately to the King, and inform him that Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow." "And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse." "So that's why he can't be here." "Sorry." "I see." "I quite understand, yes." "Sir, the moment has arrived." "Are you ready to meet your maker?" "I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life but yes, particularly manufacturing industry." "Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner," " and let's get on with it." " Right." "Well, I'm sorry, my friend." "I'm alone here today." "I'd hoped that my loyal chum Sir Edmund Blackadder would be here, but unfortunately his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch." "So, naturally, he can't be with us." "All I can do is bid you do your duty well." "Well, thank you, Your Majesty." "May I say how much I mourn for your lot, and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly." "Thank you." "I take great solace from that." "Sir Thomas More, for instance." "A great generous man to the last." "He apparently tipped his executioner, handsomely." "I'm so sorry, I thought service was included." "Here you are." " And then there was the Earl of Essex." " Was there?" "A truly great man." "They still sing his famous ballad in The Chepstow Arms." "What ballad is that?" "# The Earl he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no #" "# He gave them all away to the man with the axe... oh. #" " A thousand sovereigns?" " You can't take it with you, Majesty." "Very true." "There you are." "Keep the change." "Thank you, Your Majesty." "Right, should we go?" "Just a moment!" "That voice has a strangely familiar ring." "And so does that finger." "Blackadder!" "Hello, Your Majesty!" "You cunning swine!" "Yes, well..." "Marvellous!" "Splendid!" "You've duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan to help me and my infant son escape to France." "Yes, that's right." "Yes." "So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away." "Yes, let's..." " Well, you start the ball rolling." " No, no, after you." "Right... yes..." "Oh, yes, right." "And it's a very good plan." "It's a staggering bowel-shatteringly good plan." " Is the King ready?" " He is." "Come, Your Majesty." "This is the head of a traitor." "No, it's not." "It's a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it." "Oh yes, so it is." "Sorry." "I'll try again." "Well sir, they can't say you didn't try." "Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms, in the person of this infant prince." "And with the money you've earned you and he can escape to France." "Well, quite." "On the other hand, you can stay here and as a known loyalist, the Roundheads will come and cut your head off." "Exactly, Baldrick." " Oh, my God." " Surround the house, men." "Oh no!" "We're surrounded!" "What'll we do?" "At times like this Baldrick, there's no choice for a man of honour." "He must stand and fight and die in defence of his future sovereign." "Unfortunately, I'm not a man of honour." "Thank God you've come!" "Seize the royalist scum!"