"We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas" "We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year" "Lights, please?" "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night." "And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were so afraid." "And the angel said unto them, Fear not:" "For, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy." "For born unto you this day in the City of David is a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will towards men." "And now, South Park Elementary presents" ""The Birth of Jesus."" "Come on, Mary, push!" "I can see its head!" "It's a boy!" "Wait a minute." "Wait, wait, wait." "Kyle, what the hell was that?" "You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head." " What kind of sick weirdo are you?" " Sorry." "And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labour pains." "Okay." "Mr Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?" "Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding baby Jesus foetus by the head." "How dare you include the nativity in a school play!" " Don't you realise my son is Jewish?" " So?" "So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?" "Because it's Christmas." "Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas!" "Oh, God, you're not going to lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are you?" "What, what, what?" "You're not going to get away with this, Mr Garrison!" "Oh, good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!" " Shut up, fat boy!" " I'm not fat!" "I'm festively plump!" "Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?" "Okay!" "Kyle, is there anything you can do for a Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?" "How about the Dreidel song, boobie?" "I can sing the Mr Hankey song!" "The Mr Hankey song?" "How does that go?" "Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo" "He loves me and I love you" " Christmas poo?" " What the hell is Christmas poo?" "Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?" "Kyle, that is enough!" "See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan." "Now, that does it!" "I am going straight to the Mayor about you," " Mr Garrison." " Oh, wait, wait, wait." "I'm sorry." " Was it the pagan remark?" " You guys!" "Look!" "It's snowing!" "Wow, Christmas snow." "Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue, it's fun." "That was sick, dude." "Hey!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!" " We can, too." " No, I think it's against the law, dude." " Officer Barbrady." " What?" "Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?" " Yes." " Damn it!" "Hey, come on, guys, we have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas!" "Yeah, we'll see you later, Kyle." "Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents." "No, but I get Hanukkah presents for eight days." "Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that." "We'll catch up with you later, Kyle." "Wait!" "I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo!" "What is this about Christmas poo, dude?" "Mr Hankey." "He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fibre in their diet." "Oh, Kyle, come on, seriously, you are really reaching right now." "Well, you're going to be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr Hankey, fat ass!" "You're not going to ride on Santa's sleigh, 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle." "See you, dude." "It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas" "My friends won't let me join in any games" "And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree" "Or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me" "My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity" "I'm a Jew" "A lonely Jew" "On Christmas" "Hanukkah is nice, but why is it" "That Santa passes over my house every year?" "And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkes" "Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish" "And what the... is up with lighting all these... candles, tell me, please" "I'm a Jew" "A lonely Jew" "I'd be merry" "But I'm Hebrew" "On Christmas" "Okay, everybody, settle down!" "Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene in front of the capital office!" "Church and State are separate." " No!" "No!" " What's going on, you guys?" "The whole town's pissed off at each other." "It's really sweet." "That isn't all, Mayor!" "The school play is doing a nativity scene!" "It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!" " You are the Jewish community!" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " Oh, boy, super bitch is at it again." " Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" "Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is all about!" "If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty" " and all that garbage, too!" " Hallelujah!" "And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!" " Yeah!" " Oh, give me a break!" "And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids!" "If you don't want to spill your coffee then you shouldn't be driving with it!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Okay, people, clearly we need to reach a compromise." "Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas." "Brilliant idea, Mayor." "Hey, how about Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo?" " Excuse me?" " Oh, boy, here we go again." "Mr Hankey." "He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fibre in their diet." " Kyle!" " It's true!" "He doesn't care what faith you are!" "Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo He loves me and I love you" "Therefore, vicariously he loves you Even if..." "Don't mind him, he's a very disturbed little boy." "Yeah!" " Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right now!" " Wait!" "Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this will be the most non-offensive Christmas ever to any religious or minority group of any kind." "Are there any other suggestions?" " Yes, Mr Garrison?" " Could we get rid of all the Mexicans?" "No, Mr Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans." "Rats." "It is sick and disgusting and we simply will not have it." " Your father's right, Kyle." " Sheila, let me handle this." "Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!" " Listen to your father, Kyle." " Now, I want you to repeat after me." ""There is no such thing as Mr Hankey."" " But, Dad, he always..." " Say it!" " There is no such thing as Mr Hankey." " Again!" " There is no such thing as Mr Hankey." " This is for your own good, boobie." "Now you go brush your teeth, and march in to bed!" "You won't be opening your Hanukkah present tonight." "Probably just another stupid dreidel, anyway." " What did you say?" " I said Ike's on fire." "Oh, my God!" "It isn't fair!" "I don't want to be an outcast!" "I'm not hearing that." "Hello!" "Mr Hankey?" "Howdy ho!" "Howdy ho, Kyle!" "Gosh, you're looking swell." "Go away, Mr Hankey." "You know something, pal?" "You smell an awful lot like flowers." "I said, go away." "My dad says you aren't real." "Not real?" "Well, shucks." "If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?" "Santa Claus is on his way He's loaded goodies on his sleigh" "He'll drop them off on Christmas Day And I'll say, "Howdy ho"" "Mr Hankey!" "I'll get in trouble!" "Folks will gather round the fire Sing a song from a choir" "Pretty soon they'll all retire And I'll say, "Howdy ho"" " Kyle, what are you doing in there?" " Nothing." "Open this door!" "I hope that Santa comes real soon I been waiting..." "Mr Hankey, come here." "Kyle!" "Say something, Mr Hankey." "Now, you get to sleep and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up." "What, what, what?" "Me?" " Howdy ho." " Mr Hankey!" "Where the hell did you go?" "You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle." "You're going to catch a cold." "Nobody believes in you, not even my friends!" "Oh, gee, that's too bad." "Hey, how about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends?" "Say, that sounds like a swell idea." "We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas." "Yeah, we'll show them." "Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around!" "Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!" "Is mistletoe offensive?" "Is anyone offended by mistletoe?" "Lose the mistletoe!" "You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!" "How do you know?" "'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night!" "Yeah, well I sneaked around my mom's closet, too, and saw what I'm getting." " The UltraVibe Pleasure 2000." " What's that?" "I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet." " Hello, everybody!" " What's in the box, dude?" " It's a surprise." " Let me see." "Oh, okay, but don't scare him." "Dude, sick!" "Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?" "That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!" "Wait, you guys!" "He's alive!" "Kyle, I think you better get home and get some sleep." "Come on." "Dance." "Dance!" "Dance, damn you!" "Now, this is very simple." "I'm going to say words, and the computer will measure how offended you are by them." "In this way, we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season." "Are we ready?" "Here we go." "Christ." "Okay." "Chair." "Camel." "Sand." "Stupid wop dago." "Bench." "Oh, do you have to take the Christmas tree, too?" "Mayor's orders." "Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play." "The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus." " Thanks to Kyle's mother." " Shut up, Cartman!" "So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs?" "Yes, Eric?" "How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D minor?" "I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman." "Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch She a big fat bitch" "She's the biggest bitch In the whole wide world" "She's a stupid bitch If there ever was a bitch" "She's a bitch to all the boys and girls" " Shut up, Cartman!" " Howdy ho!" "Mr Hankey!" "Monday she's a bitch On Tuesday she's a bitch" "And Wednesday through Saturday She's a bitch" "Then on Sunday just to be different She's a super King Kamayamaya bitch" "Golly, that isn't very nice!" "I'd sure like to teach him a lesson!" "Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?" "She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world" "She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair" "She's a bitch, bitch, bitch bitch, bitch, bitch" "Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch" "She's a stupid bitch" "Kyle's mom's a bitch Yeah, she's just a dirty bitch" "Kyle's mom is a bitch" "Mr Hankey, no!" " What the..." " Gross, Kyle!" "Oh, my Lord!" "Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?" "You sick bastard!" "Now, Kyle, as your school counsellor," "I want to try and help you confront your problem, m'kay?" "I don't have a problem!" "Well, it's my understanding that you..." "You have an acute case of faecalphilia." " What's that?" " Well, a faecalphiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle." "Mookie-stinks?" "Now, I also understand that you're Jewish, is that right, Kyle?" "Well, not on purpose!" "So, this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all." " Do the other kids make fun of you?" " Well, sometimes." " And that must make you mad." " Well, sure." " Mad enough to kill, Kyle?" " No, dude!" "Oh, that's good." "You see Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we create friends, m'kay?" "In our minds, m'kay?" " But Mr Hankey seems so real." " Well, of course he does." "In your screwed-up little head, he's the only friend you have." "Kyle, howdy ho!" "Right now, you're nuttier than Chinese Chicken Salad, m'kay?" "I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid, do you understand?" "Santa's loaded up his sleigh" "So just try and stay positive, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and in the meantime, I'm going to put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac." "Oh, my God!" "You sick little monkey!" "Okay, children, we've just received word from the Mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights since they offend people with epilepsy." "So, Kenny, would you please go over and pull the light cords out of the wall?" "Careful, now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous." "Okay, now let's practise our..." "No!" "Get away from me!" "Here, just look more closely at it!" "No, go away!" "Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay?" "Get him out of here before he hurts anybody, m'kay?" "Hello, we need to commit our friend Kyle, please." "Reason?" "I'm a clinically depressed faecalphiliac on Prozac." " Any allergies?" " No." "Jacket!" "Bye, Kyle!" "Happy Hanukkah!" "Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?" "Good, it looks like they've taken the Christmas trees down." "Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either." "This should be great." "Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play." "I wish our little Kyle was here to see it." "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I will play" "Second verse, same as the first Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel" "Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday..." "Wait, wait!" "There's a star above the stage!" "That's very offensive to non-Christians!" "Oh, come on!" "Hey!" "Don't push your beliefs on me, buddy!" "I agree!" "Oh, brother." "Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?" "And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience." "Before we bring out the kiddies for the play here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef!" "I'm going to lay you down by the Yule log" "I'm going to love you right" "Baby, I'm going to deck your halls And silent your night" "You'll hear the herald angels sing when I'm sliding off your bra" "I Just can't wait to jingle your bells and Fa La La your La!" "I wish Kyle was here, it just doesn't seem right without him." "Well, old Kyle is going to be locked up for awhile, so get used to it." "Okay, kids, get ready to take your places." "Thank you, Chef." "And now South Park Elementary presents the happy non-offensive non-denominational Christmas play!" "With music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer Philip Glass!" "As I turn and look into the sun" "The rays burn my eyes" "Happy, happy, happy everybody's happy" "How like a turtle the sun looks" "What the hell is this?" "This is horrible!" "This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!" "Hey!" "You're the ones who made it this way!" "Yeah!" "It's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian!" "It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!" "All you bastards ruined Christmas." " Get him in the ribs." " Damn tree-hugger!" "This sucks, dude." "This is like the worst Christmas I've ever seen!" "Yeah." "Say, where's Kyle?" " We committed him." " What?" "Why?" "'Cause he kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went." "Christmas Poo?" "You mean Mr Hankey?" "Say, kids, why the long faces?" " We're bored." " There's nothing to do." "Well, maybe this will help!" " Wow!" "Mr Hankey Construction Set!" " Cool." "That's right, kids, now you can make your very own Mr Hankey!" "Just use this special faecal fishing net," " and select your best Mr Hankey." " That one!" "Then use the handcrafted Hankey stand to add whatever eyes, mouths and hats you want!" "Howdy ho!" " I made a mariachi Mr Hankey." " Now it's a Mrs Hankey." " Let's put the fez hat on him." " I wish Daddy was still alive." "The Mr Hankey play set comes with everything seen here." "Hey, where's Mr Hankey?" "Mr Hankey play set" " I love you, sweetheart." " I love you, too." "This is horrible." "Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution!" "All because we didn't believe in Mr Hankey." "Well, you can believe in him now." " I believe!" " I believe in Mr Hankey!" "Howdy ho!" "Howdy, folks." "Gosh, you sure do smell nice and flowery!" "Whoa!" "Howdy ho, Chef!" "Howdy ho, Mr Hankey." "Okay, that does it." "Screw you guys, I'm going home." "Talking poo is where I draw the line." "What's all the ruckus?" "I'm glad you're here, Mr Hankey." "The whole town is about to kill each other." "I reckon this could be a job for Mr Hankey!" "Stop fighting!" "Oh, my God, what the hell is that thing?" "Come on, gang, don't fight!" "You people have focused so hard on the things wrong with Christmas, that you've forgotten what's so right about it." "Don't you see?" "This is the one time of year we're supposed to forget all the bad stuff, stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world and for just one day, say, "Oh, the heck with it!"" "Let's sing and dance and bake cookies!" "Dude, this is pretty... up, right here." "I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew" "Howdy ho, Kyle!" " Oh, no!" "I'm not sane yet." " I brought some friends with me!" "Friends?" "Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!" "You mean you can see him?" "I'm not crazy?" "Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo He loves me, I love you" "Therefore, vicariously he loves you!" "Even if you're a Jew!" "Sometimes he's nutty Sometimes he's corny" "He can be brown or greenish-brown" "But if you eat fibre on Christmas Eve He might come to your town" "Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo" "Well, I've got a long night ahead of me." "Bye-bye and Merry Christmas." "Goodbye, Mr Hankey!" "Bring me lots of presents!" "I always believed in you!" "Howdy ho, ho, ho." "You know, I learned something today." "I learned that Jewish people are okay" " and that Hanukkah can be cool, too." " Yeah." "You know, it seems like something's still not right." "Yeah!" "Something feels unfinished." "Well, what could it be?" "Well, what could it be?" "Happy birthday to me." "Happy birthday to me."