"Joy to the world The Lord has come" "Let Earth receive her king" "Let every heart prepare him room" "And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing" "And heaven, and heaven and nature sing" "This sucks." "This is why we need to make a statement, you know?" "I don't think that..." "What?" "You afraid we'll end up in detention?" "Well, yeah." "That's what teachers do." "They're not going to send all of us to detention." "Mr. Henderson is totally lame, and this is our best chance to inform him of that fact." "You don't think he's lame?" "Well, yeah, but..." "Then what's the problem?" "Okay." "The Robert Page Academy vocal jazz ensemble." "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" "Jack Frost nipping at your nose" "Yuletide carols being sung by a choir" "And folks dressed up like Eskimos" "Everybody knows" "Mr. Henderson's a stupid..." "I can't believe she fell for that." "Why'd you do that..." "I don't feel so good." "Sixteen-year-old female gets pranked, also gets visual hallucinations and vomiting." "Turns out to be a failing liver." "Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?" "Large breasts are a classic symptom of you letting Foreman take vacation days so he can finish his FDA reports before the end of the year." "When are you taking vacation?" "Hepatic and neurological involvement..." "So, I understand Foreman's absence." "Your presence, not so much." "I'm bringing in a case." "You may have noticed me doing that before." "I've noticed you a lot of recently." "It's almost as if you have a sexual interest in someone here." "Like, say, Taub?" "Well, Taub might think I like him if I stayed, which is why I'm going to do this." "Somehow, I don't think that was really about me." "Wilson's Disease." "Ceruloplasmin's normal." "You got a Christmas present." ""Greg, made me think of you."" "That's funny." "It usually explodes after I do that." "Alcohol abuse?" "She's 16." "The kind of boozing that destroys your liver that early, her parents or teachers would notice." "Wow. "Manual of the Operations of Surgery by Joseph Bell."" "You're throwing that away?" "Twice." "Someone's screwing with me, forget it." "Yeah, gifting antique medical texts." "Oldest gag in the book." "Handwriting's kind of girly." "You got an admirer, House?" "I said, forget the book." "Why'd they pick on her?" "She's an overachiever, high grades, she volunteers, she's a big target." "I'm assuming literally, depending on where this school falls on the Heathers scale." "You think the kids slipped her something?" "Their teachers grilled them." "When did teachers ever know how to motivate their students?" "What did you do to Natalie?" "It's all my fault." "I didn't stop her from being a total pig." "What are you..." "Your friend's liver is failing." "We're doing what we can, but she still might need a transplant." "She could die, unless you tell us what you gave her." "Just tell him." "Shut up." "We gave her some shrooms." "We took some ourselves, we just wanted to make her loosen up a little." "How thoughtful of you." "You got any left?" "They're in Simon's locker." "This was your idea?" "No way." "I didn't give her anything." "Right, you just knew about it and let them do it." "Poisonous mushrooms and hallucinogenic ones are different." "Not if they're not dried correctly." "Get back to school." "You better hope we got to her in time." "What?" "Am I going to get in trouble?" "Should we apologize or something?" "Yes, you should." "Natalie's on the third floor." "Who's down there?" "Mr. Ravitz." "Where's the woman I spoke to last week?" "The trial patient with the advanced symptoms." "She dropped out." "She okay?" "Not health related." "She just wants to drop out." "Why?" "She didn't say." "And I only break into the houses of very special patients to get to understand them better." "I do good today, boss?" "No rigidity, no cogwheeling." "So absolutely, I'd call that good." "Great." "Thanks." "Your clipboard." "Keep it." "This place actually smells of evil." "Where do you work again?" "Why would House throw out a book worth hundreds of dollars?" "To make you ask that question." "Can you really put a price tag on screwing with people?" "Can you get us into Natalie Soellner's locker while we're here?" "House always has an agenda." "Just screwing with us isn't..." "Yeah, he'd never do that." "Oh, wait, he already did, last year." "Remember the Secret Santa gift he got himself?" "He was making us fight over who could get him the best present." "This time, he's just making us wonder." "No animosity, no ugly competition." "I think it's a real present." "If it's real, then House really was freaked." "And if it affects him, eventually it'll affect us." "Uh-oh." "Maybe it wasn't those kids who poisoned Natalie." "Maybe it was Natalie herself." "I didn't try to kill myself." "Then why'd you have all those painkillers?" "In case I get a headache." "Well, maybe, you took a few too many." "Do you have any kids?" "No." "But high school wasn't all that different when I was your age." "Teenagers can be incredibly mean." "I know what you're going through." "I bet you were cool." "You're pretty." "You're pretty, too." "I'm fat." "I'm a loser." "They all hate me." "You know what they did last year?" "They took these photos of me for the yearbook." "But it wasn't." "It was for this website making fun of me, calling me a pig." "Forget about them." "Let's just make you better." "What's the point?" "Acetylcysteine could save her liver, but we have to act fast." "If there's any chance that she took all those pills..." "There's no chance." "Okay." "She was the happiest, sweetest little girl." "And a year ago, she hits puberty, and it's like this secretive little stranger moved into her room." "I tried to talk to her about what she's going through, but..." "Give her the treatment." "Kimberley, you think that she tried to..." "I don't know what to think." "If it's a subpoena, he's gotten that kind of present before." "It was a book." "That narrows it down." "Just look for someone who knows how to read or has been to a bookstore." "Most bookstores don't carry Joseph Bell on surgery." "Did it have a note?" ""Greg, made me think of you."" "Green wrapping paper." "How did you know that?" "What is it?" "It's nothing." "Yes, when something's nothing, the natural response is to guess the color of the paper it's wrapped in and then descend into stunned silence." "Irene Adler." "Christmas 2001." "Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate." "I've never seen him so obsessed." "He saved her with a last-minute Wegener's diagnosis." "But the hours he put in, I thought it would kill him." "And then, well, he fell for her." "But it was too soon after Stacy and..." "It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away." "Really?" "No, you idiots." "House is just screwing with you." "You think there's some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?" "Then how did you guess..." "I could be wrong." "It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas," "And the same paper I wrapped it in, and the note I wrote." "We gotta go." "Heartbeat?" "One-fifty." "BP 180 over 110." "Crackling three-quarters of the way up." "At least this means she didn't try to kill herself." "Scratch the hallucinations, that's from the mushrooms." "Leaves liver failure and now pulmonary edema." "And you standing there beseechingly." "Yes, I was gonna stalk you at home, but it was a busy week and your office is closer." "Thirteen and Foreman were busy drug-trialing and we needed an answer on the overdose, so we called her in." "She's just updating us." "Convenient." "Update's done." "This is a good experience for me as my parents never got divorced." "Theories?" "Glue sniffing." "Effects on the lungs would have been immediate." "House, we all know what's going on here." "Cuddy gave you that present." "No." "Infections?" "No fever, no polys in the sputum." "I think..." "I think she loves you." "I told you to lay off the present." "And the LSD." "We got distracted by the painkillers, toxins are still the most likely..." "Just tell her how you feel." "If you won't, then I will." "I'll walk right down there." "Damn it, love like this needs to fly free." "You talked to Wilson." "He has very girly handwriting, by the way." "I knew I should have just wrapped a new present." "You said the patient volunteered." "Where?" "Pleasant Valley." "Soup kitchen in Trenton." "Thirteen and Kutner, go search the home and the school." "Taub, you take the anal swabbing of the fragrant and contagious homeless men." "Why don't you hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze?" "By the way, that ending really made no sense at all." "You had my present for a year and didn't even open it?" "I had no way of knowing there was an expensive book inside." "Completely meaningless prank, even for you." "Stealing your ice cream is a completely meaningless, albeit delicious, prank." "Observing my team's reactions to unexplained phenomena could have been pretty useful." "Of all the ways to mess with people, why give yourself an imaginary present?" "Have you checked the prices for firemen strippers recently?" "Yes." "The holidays." "They're hard for you, I get it." "You see the people around you giving and receiving gifts, having sustained, meaningful relationships." "And since you can't, something deep in your subconscious makes you create the appearance of a gift." "Sad." "You really passed your psych rotation?" "It's too bad you can't just be nice to people." "You could get a real present that way." "If I wanted gifts," "I would just look deep into my patient's eyes and act like you." ""Oh, I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron." ""Of course I'll sleep with you." "What I lack in skill, I can make up for in..."" "You'd just wind up insulting her." "Perhaps calling her Mrs. Moron." "Right. 'Cause I'm physically incapable of being polite." "Being kind in a sustained, meaningful way?" "No." "Oh, I get it." "You're trying to get me to prove you wrong, then I'm gonna be nice to all my patients all through the holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge." "I'm totally on it." "Yeah, that actually is what I'm trying to do." "And the pathetic part is, it's not going to work." "You're right." "I gotta stop being such a jerk." "Oops!" "Kind of undercut myself there." "Janice?" "I'm Remy." "I'm..." "Yeah, I remember you." "I heard you left the trial." "Yeah." "If there's some way I could help..." "It was that doctor." "The one that was running the test." "Dr. Foreman." "Yeah." "He's a great neurologist." "He's a great guy." "You like him?" "Why don't you?" "I told him that those injections were making me sick in my stomach, and he just gave me antacid." "We were warned that nausea's a side effect, and giving you antacid is all he really could do." "No." "He told me, "Get over it."" "With or without these drugs," "I don't have a long time." "I'm not gonna spend it being his guinea pig." "House." "It's tuberculosis." "You got that from an anal swab?" "Man, you're good." "There was a more subtle clue." "Homeless guy, uncontrollably hacking up blood." "Cough's lasted two months." "He was cachectic." "Unless you could tie him to the patient..." "Yes, again, if only there was some subtle clue, like the fact that he was standing next to her in the soup line for a week." "I hate spunk." "TB can cause liver failure, lung symptoms." "Fits." "Start her on the standard regimen." "You don't have clinic duty today." "Who says it's a duty?" "Hi." "I'm Greg." "Hi." "I'm Whitney." "Hi, Whitney, how can I help you?" "I have a terrible headache." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "We'll get you fixed up." "Is there anything else you need?" "Bottled water?" "Coffee?" "Mint tea?" "No, but that's so nice." "Usually, the clinic doctors are kind of rushed." "If you can't be nice, why be a doctor?" "So, where do you feel the pain?" "In the back of my head, here." "Uh-huh." "It's Beccaria's sign." "It'll be gone by your third trimester." "Oh, I'm not in school." "Neither is your fetus." "Oh, God." "You didn't know you were pregnant?" "How do..." "You know that just from the headache?" "How do I know?" "I missed my period, I got fat and threw up." "Oh, no, wait, that's how you know." "What?" "I know because of the tight shirt stretched over the swollen boobs, the salt craving you imported into the clinic, the motion sickness patch that doesn't do anything for the kind of sickness that you feel in the morning." "I'm a virgin." "So is my fiancé." "I believe him." "Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant?" "Like sitting on a toilet seat?" "Absolutely." "There would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat, but, yes, absolutely." "And I was doing so well." "Natalie?" "Oh, God." "Natalie." "She's having a seizure." "Put her on her side." "Nurse!" "Is this from the TB?" "Not with a supple neck." "I don't know what this is." "Four milligrams lorazepam." "Liver, lungs, and now brain, which has mysteriously reappeared." "Speaking of mysteriously reappeared..." "Her ALT is 20 times normal, transaminases and PTs, way up." "She's going to lose her liver." "We gotta get her on the transplant list." "You keep showing up." "You also keep leaving." "It's possible that you have the hots for me, but really, really hate this kid." "It's also remotely possible I have that reversed." "She's a nice kid, I want to make sure she's okay." "Hepatic fibrosis." "Normal complement level, normal-sized liver." "She remind you of you?" "No, you weren't a loser in high school." "You had every Tom, Dick and Hershel wet dreaming about you." "But she could be making you think of another helpless, chubby little girl that you recently met." "You're not really making this about the baby I tried to adopt." "It's been a few weeks." "Just enough time to get over hurt feelings." "Natalie's 16." "I think you're confusing being maternal with being human." "If we hadn't ruled out the mushrooms..." "Maybe we shouldn't have." "Forget toxic, think allergic." "Severe mold allergy could cause liver failure, respiratory arrest, and encephalopathy." "She ate the shrooms days ago." "There's no way she'd still be sick." "Unless it also gave her a fungal infection." "Give her a prick test and antifungals." "Hey." "Thank you for the gift." "I really appreciate it." "I spoke to Janice." "She okay?" "Yeah." "Her nausea, she said you told her, like, "Get over it"?" "And?" "Nausea isn't something you can overcome with sheer willpower." "Which is why I didn't prescribe willpower, I prescribed antacids." "She can't handle that, she'd have to leave the trial anyway." "Just call her, say you're sorry, she'll come back." "No." "God, you're acting like House now." "No, I'm not acting like House, which is exactly why I don't need to apologize." "I'm not being cruel, I'm not being manipulative." "You said the same thing to me when I told you I was having a hard time." "And it worked." "She's a 40-year-old woman who's falling apart, physically and emotionally." "She's dying." "Look, I know seeing the Ghost of your Christmas Future is tough, but the only way I can help her is to make sure she follows her regimen, not by becoming her life coach." "You're not acting like House." "You are like him." "Dr. House?" "This is my fiancé, Geoff." "She says you told her you can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat." "I said those words, but with a particular inflection." "I knew it wasn't true." "Is there any other way?" "Isn't it possible?" "There was a reported case of a Civil War soldier." "He was shot in the testicles, and the musket ball carried the non-musket ball into the uterus of a woman working in a neighboring field." "Nine months later, a miracle child was born." "Also, maybe she cheated on you." "We made a promise." "We do other stuff in bed." "Couldn't some of his sperm have made it up there somehow?" "More likely it came from the guy whose penis made it up there somehow, but sure, anything's possible." "I want a paternity test." "Tell him that amnios are dangerous this early on in the pregnancy." "Are they?" "Who cares?" "He doesn't know." "We'll do the paternity test." "No reaction." "That's bad?" "If you had a mold allergy, it would explain your symptoms." "We'll find out what's wrong, don't worry." "And I know some things are hard to talk about with your parents around, but kids can be really mean." "There are people you can talk to, programs..." "I'll be okay." "You're in good spirits." "You feeling better?" "No." "I was just doing my homework." "I'm such a dork, I guess that cheers me up." "Parents brought it?" "No, Simon did." "The jockey kid in your class?" "Yeah." "He just left." "Security." "I was just bringing her homework." "You helped bully this little girl and completely refused to accept responsibility." "No way you came here out of compassion." "That only leaves guilt." "What did you do to her?" "Nothing." "Stop lying or I'll take the drugs I found in your locker down to the cops, you slimy little jerk." "This kid didn't do anything to you." "This isn't about me." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, you were bullied yourself when you were in school." "Take it easy." "I wasn't bullied." "Right." "The Indian foster kid whose parents were shot in front of him." "You were clearly Homecoming King." "Let's try this again." "Just tell me..." "Honestly, you don't understand." "We used to be friends." "And I'd be friends with her now if people wouldn't make fun of me." "There's nothing you could tell us that'll help?" "Did she mention she used to drink a lot?" "No." "How do you know that?" "Look, don't tell anyone, all right?" "I have my brother's ID and I kind of supply people." "I used to get her a few bottles of vodka each week." "Why'd you stop?" "She got her own ID." "Said it was cheaper buying it herself." "You can go." "I think we got our diagnosis." "Our little girl's a drunk." "I don't drink." "I did back then, but..." "You could die." "We can't get you on the transplant list until we know why your liver is failing." "Alcohol abuse would explain that." "The seizures could be from withdrawal." "I haven't drunk in six months." "I didn't even drink that much back then." "A couple of vodka bottles a week?" "I didn't open half of them." "I just bought them because Simon was selling them." "We used to be friends, and that's, like, the only way" "I could get him to even talk to me." "Then why did you stop buying from him?" "He said you got your own ID." "I don't know." "See, that's not a good answer." "Remember when you asked me if I had any kids?" "I don't." "I don't know, maybe it has nothing to do with it, but I was good at school, good at work, lousy at life." "I screwed up every relationship I ever had." "I thought, why would I want to bring a child into this?" "But then I got older and..." "How you feel now will pass." "Don't let it screw up your whole life." "It's already screwed up." "My asthma." "They said they'd fix it, but it didn't make any difference at all." "Well, sometimes doctors make mistakes, Anna, and then we have to try twice as hard to fix them." "You using your inhaler?" "All the time." "Go through one a week." "You sure you're using it right?" "Do I look like an idiot?" "No." "Why don't you show me how your inhaler works?" "Jerk." "What was that all about?" "Jamaican chicken recipes." "The parents said no to the benzos." "But I still think Natalie's not being honest with me." "So she's willing to die to cover up some boozing?" "She's very depressed." "She feels like she deserves what the other kids are dishing out on her." "I think she either wants to die or she wants the attention that dying gives her." "I have no idea why you care so much." "Tell Kutner to start her on benzos." "House, the parents just..." "Uh-uh." "Not the alcoholism, the seizures, totally different." "Don't need their approval for that." "You sure you want to know?" "If it makes it any easier, I'm going to tell you anyway." "We want to know." "What does it say?" "Don't leave." "You go home last night?" "I meant to, but started reading this file, just couldn't put it down." "Let me ask you." "That patient who dropped out, the one I told you about?" "Yeah." "Do you think I should pursue it more?" "No." "Patients drop out, that's why we start with hundreds." "I just thought, if there's an easy way to make the people who drop off come back, then why not?" "They're not people." "Really?" "I thought the zombie trials were all completed during Phase Two." "You can't see the patients as people." "You can't even see them as patients." "They're numbers." "Look." "A friend of mine has this disease." "I don't want to know." "There's a reason this is double-blind." "Any personal stake we have skews the study." "Science is not about human relationships, it's about results." "But you know that." "You work for House." "Why do you think I brought you on as my partner?" "Dr. Taub!" "She was talking to me and then she just passed out." "Her heart's slowing down." "Can you fix it?" "Can you fix it?" "I'm trying." "Push one amp atropine." "We've been waiting here for six hours." "Am I the father or not?" "No, but she also didn't cheat on you." "Normally, sperm meets egg," "DNA meets DNA, goes back to her place, cells divide." "Nine months later, joy is bundled." "That's normally." "Abnormally, an egg could have two naturally occurring gene mutations that don't naturally occur together." "Spontaneous calcium spike could prep the egg for fertilization without sperm." "And a division mistake could let the egg split up without ever needing male DNA at all." "Parthenogenesis." "A baby without a daddy." "In humans, it's only ever been theorized, and it was never proved." "Until now." "Mommy, baby." "Your daughter has only maternal DNA." "I personally checked this five times." "In seven months, you will have a virgin birth." "Merry Christmas." "I've got to tell you about this clinic patient." "Natalie's liver's continuing to fail." "And now bradycardia." "Atropine isn't keeping the heart rate up, we're going to have to put her on a pacemaker." "Alcohol withdrawal would cause her heart to race, not crawl." "There's nothing structurally wrong with her heart." "EKG, echo, electrolyte panel are all normal." "Multiple endocrine syndrome?" "Free T4's normal." "Hypothalamic brain tumor?" "Didn't come up on the CT scan." "It's hitting all her organs." "Could be the blood." "What's her Alk-Phos?" "Three hundred." "It can't be leukemia." "High Alk-Phos could also be from liver failure." "She's a teenager, means bone growth and destruction could throw it off." "Maybe." "But it's higher than you'd expect." "Start her on chemo." "We'll do a bone marrow biopsy to confirm." "Why are you ordering tests instead of treatment?" "Her heart and liver are about to give up." "Do whatever you need to." "Why are you so attached to this girl?" "It's your call." "He doesn't want us to treat her." "If it's leukemia, even if we kill every cancer cell, her heart and liver are too far gone." "A double transplant." "With brain involvement?" "The committee won't even open the file." "There's no reason to put a dying girl through a painful treatment if it can't save her." "He's being kind." "I'll arrange a biopsy." "Mrs. Burke?" "We're conducting another trial in tandem with yours." "Same drug, lower dose." "The nausea would be less." "I did some checking, I can switch you." "Here's the forms if you want back in." "What if we're wrong?" "Maybe we shouldn't have overlooked autoimmunes." "High sed rate." "We went over this." "Normal complement level." "So it isn't hepatic fibrosis, it could still be microangiopathic vasculitis." "With high dose steroids, we might be able to reverse..." "You run a hospital that treats thousands of patients every day." "Some of them die." "Every day." "If you're gonna get this worked up over every one of them..." "Yes." "BRB." "What is it?" "Thank you from a patient." "For you?" "I saved her marriage by showing that her pregnancy was a result of parthenogenesis." "Human parthenogenesis?" "You proved..." "Yep." "It's unbelievable." "But I personally checked it five times." "How did you check it five times?" "The cycler's broken." "You would have had to send it out." "It would have taken..." "Oh, yeah." "That does sound impossible now that I think of it." "I guess the better explanation is that the paternity test showed she cheated, so I faked the whole parthenogenesis thingy." "What?" "Why?" "I win." "You faked a scientific miracle just to win a bet with Wilson?" "More an argument." "I realize it would have been simpler to just fake the paternity test, but, hey, Christmas spirit and all that." "I think you're confusing "nice" and "evil" again." "Letting the woman deceive her husband by inventing a virgin birth, just so you can..." "And it obviously would have been more fitting if the baby had been born on Christmas, not just invented then." "It's not leukemia." "Seizures, liver failure." "It's eclampsia." "Which means we don't have one dead patient, we have two." "You have a disease called eclampsia." "It causes liver failure, pulmonary edema and seizures." "It's also associated with cardio myopathy." "That's a pregnancy disease." "You tested her when she came in." "You can get eclampsia up to a month after giving birth." "That's ridiculous." "How could she hide a pregnancy?" "Loose clothes." "She's heavy to begin with, it was probably premature." "If it was three weeks ago, they could have missed it on a physical exam." "The baby's why you quit drinking, isn't it?" "Why you asked me if I had kids." "Why you feel guilty." "I'm sorry." "Oh..." "Who did this to you?" "Simon." "It wasn't bad." "We were, like, boyfriend-girlfriend for a while, we just didn't tell anyone." "He doesn't even know about..." "What happened to the baby?" "I was going to give her away." "If they found out at school..." "I was at the soup kitchen, and she started coming." "There was this empty house down the street, but..." "And she wasn't breathing." "I tried so hard, but I couldn't do anything." "I'm so sorry." "If I had her in a hospital, maybe she'd be alive." "Can you cure this?" "The damage to the heart and liver are permanent." "I'm gonna die?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't even bury her." "I just put my coat over her." "Get out of my house." "I'm a doctor." "I don't care who you are." "Did you find the body of a baby?" "I said get out." "Michael?" "Who are you?" "That's not your baby." "You're tiny." "There's no way you gave birth three weeks ago." "She's my sister's." "That baby is sick." "She needs clean water." "She needs real heat." "She was probably born with a partially blocked airway and might even have brain damage." "You can't take care of her in a place like this." "Shut up." "I took care of her." "I know." "You found her." "You saved her life." "Now you have to let her go." "Who's that?" "It's your daughter." "She was alive." "People found her and took care of her." "She's beautiful." "It's okay." "Kutner." "No transplant?" "We appealed." "Too sick." "How much time does she have left?" "A couple days at most." "What about the baby?" "Seems healthy, but it's too early to tell." "She's in the hospital for observation for a few days." "But after that..." "Best case, winds up with her teenage father, who just got voted captain of the varsity bullying team." "He's just a kid." "You all right?" "I gotta go." "Jonathan?" "Yeah?" "It's Lawrence Kutner." "Why are you here?" "I wanted to apologize for all the horrible stuff I did to you in high school." "I'm sorry." "What's going to happen to her?" "I spoke to both sets of grandparents." "It's too painful." "They're putting her up for adoption." "What are you going to do?" "I already spoke to a lawyer." "I become a foster parent and then I adopt." "Merry Christmas, Cuddy." "Hey." "Where is everybody?" "Down at the party." "I heard Janice is back on the trial." "My Christmas gift to you." "I was wrong." "You're not House." "Yeah." "Well, that's my Christmas gift to myself." "We should go to the party." "We should."