"It was the morning of Martin's Confirmation, another milestone in his idiotic little life." "It seems a tad too big?" "Oh yeah, ya look like a schmuck." "I wouldn't worry about it buddy, you're just a late bloomer." "And hey, big day." "Yeah. "Confirmed ."" "It's got a nice ring to it alright." "Not "hoped for" or..." ""pencilled in"." "Confirmed." "Like a well organised dinner reservation." "I'm a show-er, not a grow-er." "Oh Martin." "You look so handsome." "Thanks, Mam." "Better get your shoes on, love." "We're running late." "Where's my coat?" "It's hanging up in the hall." "Your shoes, Martin." "These are my shoes." "No, your black leather shoes." "I don't have any black leather shoes." "Of course you have black leather shoes." "I remember buying you black leather shoes." "That was for my Communion, Mam." "I grew out of them." "Ah!" "Always bloody growing." "Okay." "Stay calm." "Somewhere in this room, there has to be some kind of black leather footwear..." "At least take the studs off." "I can't!" "They're moulded!" "Ya know what's Gaz?" "I'd totally forgot I was your godmother." "Probably missed loads of your birthdays!" "It's OK I kept a tab." "You've have them all there alright.." "So do you know what name you're taking?" "I checked out some saints and I've got a few suggestions." "Aquinas?" "The Baptist?" "Bonaventura?" "Actually I decided to let Grandad pick my confirmation name." "Aww, that's sweet Martin." "I think I'll go for..." "Martin." "Martin?" "Martin's a lovely name." "After Saint Martin." "What did he do again?" "Oh I don't know." "He was one of the black ones." "Oh yes." "Martin's my name." "That's right." "Martin." "Martin Martin?" "It's easy to remember." "Here we go." "So exciting...!" "Mass is so exciting." "Oh, we praise thy name." "Already bored Martin tuned out." "Till suddenly a biblical breeze of coolness blew through the congregation like a boy blizzard." "With it's own smoke machine and their raffish robes." "Who was this bell ringing brotherhood?" "With their godliness and their great hair, these Holy Joes were a law unto themselves." "I think I want to be an altar boy." "Me too." "OK, excited." "Say Confirmation." "Confirmation." "That can't be what Jesus died for." "If anyone should be crucified it should be that keyboard fella." "Unbelievable." "I could barely sleep." "We need one more with the baldy bishop then we can get the hell out of here." "Yeah the choir was pretty weird." "I bet their just doing it for extra school credits." "I'd rather fail." "And that Trish, is why you'll never be Ireland's first female Taoiseach." "Well, that and my future drug habit." "So how's mass lads are you enjoying it?" "Yes." "Well that's good." "You learning?" "Yes." "That's the main thing." "Put the two together and you'll be a winner." "Hey." "Nice Ave Maria." "Haven't heard it in A-minor before." "Or with a Samba beat." "Go raibh maith." "Just trying to mix it up a bit." "Add some snares to the prayers..." "I'm Dessie by the way." "Phidelma." "Delma." "Nice to meet ya, Phidelma Delma." "Right lads, a bit of exodus" "I really think the boots work Martin." "We could have a big game of football right now if we wanted to." "But for once Padraic's moronic ramblings were falling on deaf ears." "Hi Petey." "Hi Paulie." "Hi Joey." "Hi other Joey." "Great mass, lads, great mass." "You know those guys?" "!" "Know them?" "I used to serve with them." "But I had to quit." "Being an altar boy was just too intense..." "Can you get me in?" "You don't want to go down that road, Martin." "Trust me." "I've been there.." "Grand, I'll ask someone else then." "Okey-dokey." "See ya!" "Hey, I'm heading out to the church." "Gonna audition for the choir." "Seriously?" "The Singing Saps?" "Mam?" "Seriously?" "The singing Saps?" "It's for school." "Plus I think it'll look good on my college CV." "One step closer to Taoiseach." "Ah, she'll be running the country soon enough..." "Oh, and eh, I'm sure you two will be right there with her." "Why would we be there?" "I dunno." "Assassinating her?" "It was awful, wasn't it?" "When we sing for the baby Jesus, it's never awful." "Usually..." "No I'm joking." "Or am I?" "No I am it wasn't that bad." "Well, maybe I could try something more contemporary." "Like, eh..." ""Nothing Compares 2 U "?" "Sinead O'Connor?" "Look, Phidelma, when I play for the baby Jesus I want him to be entertained." "Not frightened." "I want to make him dance." "You know?" "Is he... big enough to dance?" "What do you mean?" "It's just, Isn't he a little baby?" "What a 2000-year-old baby?" "But let's not over think it." "The point is joining this choir is a serious business." "Especially with holy week approaching and I need singers that'll raise the roof." "And the dead." "Do you get me?" "I wanna make the baby Jesus dance." "Snake eyes." "Hard 8." "Just stroll over there, buddy just stroll over." "Be cool." "Shoulders back, head up, don't let them know you're intimidated." "Be smooth." "C'mon." "Oh I love snakes and ladders!" "Diaphragm, Diaphragm." "What?" "You gotta breathe from down here, my love." "Feel where my hand is." "You feel that?" "Alright." "Try it again." "How'd that feel?" "Yeah, that felt... really nice." "Sorry Mister Dolan," "This kid says he wants to be an altar boy." "Hi Delma!" "Is this your brother, Delma?" "Hmm, yeah, this is Martin." "That's so great." "Family is so important, isn't it?" "Let's get Martin fitted out for a cassock shall we?" "You're letting him join?" "That's right, Paulie." "But, he hasn't been through the training." "What about bell camp?" "I said, that's right, Paulie." "We're a man short, 7am mass on Tuesday." "Y'reckon you're up to it?" "I was born up to it." "Good man." "Let's get back to this crowing so." "Can you believe it P?" "My first mass tomorrow." "So exciting...!" "Oh Martin.." "Martin.." "Martin..." "It's just Martin Martin." "Look, at least let me give you some advice." "The Altar Boys Code." "Always give respect." "Pay your dues." "And never be a snitch." "Is that it?" "And always hand-wash your cassock, it's really quite delicate." "Let us pray." "And so Martin embarked on his first mass, with all the nerves and trepidation of a boy... serving his first mass." "This is my blood, drink from it and remember me.." "Drink this blood, and remember me..." "My blood.." "Drink my blood.." "Do something Martin!" "And Jesus said this is my blood drink from it in remembrance of me." "Yes!" "Nailed it." "Nice mass, Moone." "Thanks, I just felt so at ease." "Don't get ahead of yourself chump." "It was a decent start." "That's all." "Alright." "Here's your cut..." "Wow!" "Free eucharists...!" "Don't eat them all at once.." "And 12p?" "This isn't... from the collection plates, is it?" "We divide up the money we find on the floor." "Oh, well that's OK then." "And we add that to the money we steal from the collection plates." "Oh." "Loaves and fishes kiddo, loaves and fishes..." "And hey, make sure Dessie gets his taste, yeah?" "Dessie?" "Petey explained the structure of the Mass Mafia." "A complex pyramid of corruption and brown envelopes." "With one man pulling all the strings the electric piano strings." "I love the baby Jesus." "Sweet sands, that's dry" "Martin?" "What are you eating there?" "Eh." "Nothing, Father." "Just.. crisps." "You mean, God's crisps - these are eucharists." "No, they're..." "Eucharisps." "I'm only gonna ask ya one more time." "Where did you get the eucharists?" "Talk, dammit Martin." "Stay strong buddy." "Remember what Padraic said." "Never be a snitch, Martin." "Hey this is cool." "Am I a dream?" "What are you looking at?" "Just my imaginary friend" "The church is no place for imaginary friends." "Look I know you altar boys are up to no good, and I've turned a blind eye to it for far too long." "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this racket even if it takes me all mid-morning!" "Oh, actually, It's time for soup." "I will deal with you later." "If I remember." "Looks like Moone didn't crack." "You broke your cherry Marty Football Boots." "Nice job, Martin Martin!" "Marty-two-times!" "I think the boss might want to show his appreciation Marty-two-times." "Wow." "Shoes." "Thanks Mr Dolan." "You've earned them kid, also your studs are really messing up the carpet." "Oh right sorry." "And I think this is for you." "Oh, thanks." "Now listen a slots opened up for Holy Thursday." "Can I count on you?" "I was born to count on me." "Holy Thursday!" "Welcome to the big leagues buddy." "We've got work to do." "Mam, you know when a guy flirts with you?" "I've a vague memory of it." "And then sort of ignores you." "Oh that part I'm more familiar with." "What does that mean exactly?" "This some fella you like?" "No not really." "He's a bit of a dork to be honest." "So why are we talking about him?" "Dunno." "Just wondering." "He's probably just stupid, hun." "But if you fancy him just throw yourself at him." "ABC Delma." "Always be classy." "And a teeny bit slutty." "Oh yeah, and a teeny bit slutty." "Oh great work tonight, folks." "I'll see you tomorrow." "God Bless, dudes." "Need a hand with that Dessie." "A little." "That Gloria mass is really coming together." "I didn't think it would work with the Brazilian drum sound but you know it kinda does" "Well what can I say?" "The Lord sings through my Casio." "Well er I think I'm heading home." "Gonna do some work on my electric opera" "Cool." "Wanna drop me on the way?" "To your house?" "But we live in opposite directions." "Do we?" "Oh big time." "Oh yeah, I just thought you might like to take me home." "It's a two minute walk, Delma." "Right, yeah sorry." "No problem." "See you later, buddy." "And bless." "And bless." "Do this in memory of me 3.8." "Good." "Faster Martin." "Come on put some holy in it." "Oh yeah that's incense-sational" "Good genuflect." "You don't want to falter at the altar." "Keep it short and sharp." "You wanna keep the ecumenical economical." "We wanna leave the congregation reeling at your kneeling." "Keep going kid you've got it in ya, just keep doing it." "That's it, that's it, that's it." "So we raised an Altar boy and a choir singer." "Where did we go wrong?" "Suppose that's the risk you take when you have children in wedlock." "Alright kid." "It's time..." "No seriously it's time." "We should go." "Don't want to be late, yeah." "Big crowd isn't it?" "Well yeah, it's holy Thursday." "♪ I really want to be with you. ♪" "Morning everyone and welcome to." "Welcome to Holy Thursday mass." "Let us bow our heads." "And pray." "Let us pray." "Glory to God." "Martin, take over." "Charlie's got the jingle jangles." "But I've never bell-rung before." "I said, take over." "I'm so ashamed..." "He took the cup, gave it to his disciples and said," ""Do this in memory of me."" "Hold, Hold, Hold." "Bells." "You were magnificent, Martin." "Seeing you up there brought back a lot of memories." "Yeah being an altar boy is great." "It really is." "Apart from all the corruption, obviously." "Yeah there really is quite a lot of corruption isn't there." "That's altar boyism for you." "Why do you think I got out of it?" "There's some things you just can't change." "Another triumph, Martin." "I trust you're free to join us again on Sunday?" "Easter Sunday?" "Hell yes." "I mean yes." "Padraic." "Mr Dolan." "Sounds to me like they're gonna make you a Made Boy." "A Made Boy?" "What's that?" "It's a great honour..." "Wow." "Were you a Made Boy?" "No." "I could never be a Made Boy because my Granny's a Protestant." "That was a lovely mass, Dessie" "Oh I dunno." "My bongo solo lacked a bit sparkle though..." "You should be proud." "You're really talented Dessie." "In your own way." "Yeah." "I know." "Hey you know I've been trying to ignore you Delma, cos" "I know it's kinda wrong but the baby Jesus is dancing in my heart for you." "Then let him dance, Dessie." "Just let him dance" "How was it for you?" "You know what you're getting mixed up in, Delma?" "What?" "You're playing with fire." "All is not what it seems." "Are you going to tell me something?" "It's Dessie." "He's corrupt." "He's got his hand in everyone's pocket... and his fingers in everyone's pies." "So the pies are in the pockets." "This conversation never happened." "Oh hi, lads." "I'll just get that." "Is this some kind of ritual?" "Am I a Made Boy now?" "You're out." "Was that not clear?" "Out?" "Why?" "Altar Boys Code..." "Ya snitched, Ya big snitcher." "But..." "What about Easter Sunday Mass?" "Can I still serve...?" "You'll be serving dinner you schmuck." "Dinner of dishonour." "You're so funny Petey." "I know." "Hey." "Well at least I protected my family from Dessie's corrupt ways." "Yeah you really did." "Jesus, Mass again." "Weren't we just here?" "It's OK love." "Go back to sleep." "Oh by the way Martin was saying you're corrupt." "What's that about?" "Altar Boys I don't really understand them, to be honest." "They've got this whole gangster thing going on." "But hey, I guess it keeps them motivated." "They keep giving me money and stuff, I just put it back in the baskets." "♪ Jesus was a sound man killed by Pontius Pilate and a bunch of angry Jews. #" "As Martin sat there listening to the terrible music, a regular schmuck again just like everyone else, he realised one man can't make a difference in a corrupt world and the only thing you can really do is turn your back on it and walk away." "Just like Padraic did." "Unbelievable." "Judas!"