"Okay, I'm going to ask you to take a deep breath in." "And you can let it go." "Should I do it again?" "No, one is good." "...upset about?" "Apparently we had this fundraiser and I brought cupcakes, she brought cake pops." "And she's like:" ""That's too similar."" "I'm like:" ""No, a cupcake is a cupcake." "A cake pop is cake with a stick in it."" "Cynthia?" "I'm going to ask you to scooch down the table and turn over, please." "We are grown women and we're fighting about cake pops." "Let's get over it already!" "But the real issue is her daughter Alicia is a very nice girl, but not very smart, whereas my daughter..." "Hey, Eva." "Nice to see you." "Hey." "Come on up." "How's everything?" "Great." "Excuse me." "Hey, Mom." "Where are you going?" "To a party with Sarah and Will, so they don't have to be alone." "Want to come?" "Why?" "Because you're leaving soon, and I want to be with you." "I'm good, thanks." "Have fun." "Thanks, honey." "She's driving us totally crazy." "We can't find anything." "She puts things in the weirdest places." "Like, if I leave my bracelet in the kitchen, she'll put it in a kitchen drawer!" "Why can't you just do it?" "I always do it." "I fired the gardener." "It's not fair." "We want to fire her, and he won't do it." "It's not hard for you." "Why does it have to be fair?" "You should do it because it's hard for you." "Please." "You're a grownup." "You can fire a maid." "That's the definition of maturity?" "Firing your friggin' maid?" "Sarah, is this color good on me?" "You look good." "You look pretty." "That's good." "That's a nice look." "Whose party is this, anyway?" "He's a book editor and she's an interior designer." "They know everybody." "Maybe some single men are here." "No." "Shit, I see a patient." "Will you show me?" "Show me who." "Come on, introduce me." "Stop looking." "No." "God, you're such a wet blanket." "Lookit!" "There's that lady from my gym." "What is..." "Okay, bye." "Bye." "What is her name?" "It's Hilary." "Hilary?" "Hilary!" "Eva!" "Hi." "It's so weird to see you here." "Eva, this is Marianne." "Marianne, Eva." "How are you?" "Good." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Eva is an incredible, incredible masseuse." "Wonderful." "Thank you very much." "Excuse me a second." "I have, I have to find a bathroom." "That was abrupt." "Oh, my goodness!" "Look at those shoes and that outfit." "With the purse?" "It looks so nice." "Thank you." "I should bring you everywhere." "I love your outfit, too." "So you're a masseuse?" "I am, yeah." "Yeah?" "And what is it you do?" "I'm a poet." "And I'm a dreamer." "No, really." "You're really a poet?" "I am." "You do it for a living?" "I do." "You do, I don't." "You're a poet, now I know it." "Good one." "Feel free to steal it." "Can I give that to you?" "Thank you." "Guess what?" "What?" "I think I just got a new client." "Yeah?" "Where?" "Ah, right there." "She looks clean." "She's really nice and funny, she's got great taste." "And very attractive." "I bet you think all the women here are attractive." "Pretty much." "Hold this." "There's not one man at this party I'm attracted to." "Will." "Hey!" "Jason!" "This is Albert." "Hi." "How's it going?" "How are you?" "Hi." "So, this is a nice party." "Got all the nice white balls hanging down." "Eva was just telling me that there are no men at the party she's attracted to." "Okay." "I don't know why you would make that announcement, but..." "Is that unusual?" "No, actually, it's not unusual." "No offense." "No, that's okay." "There's no one here I'm attracted to, either." "Yeah, it's kind of an ugly crowd, really." "Jason, you have a kid in college, right?" "Two." "Yeah." "I have one leaving in the fall." "I do, too!" "That's all I have." "Me, too." "Come on." "Your kids are supposed to go away." "That's healthy." "No." "Shut up." "Yeah, shut up." "Do the guys get boners?" "No." "Haven't we been over this?" "Yes." "I get so nervous with massages." "I'm afraid I'm going to get a boner." "You are?" "Absolutely." "Absolutely." "Do they hit on you?" "Okay, you're starting to depress me." "No, they don't hit on me." "They don't get boners, either." "I do have one guy who has like a hundred stairs going up to his house and he never helps me carry my massage table." "Did you ever ask him to?" "She shouldn't have to!" "No, I shouldn't have to!" "Bye, guys." "Thank you." "Love you." "Bye, honey!" "Bye, Eva!" "Thanks for the ride." "You're welcome, Chloe." "Maddy Price!" "You littered, honey." "What did you say?" "I said, pick up your trash." "You're not British." "What a bitch." "Come on in." "Thank you." "Nice to see you." "You, too." "You can just put your table clown there if you want." "Would you mind taking your shoes off?" "Not at all." "Thank you." "And your socks, too." "Do you want some iced tea?" "That sounds good." "Thank you." "I'm so happy you called." "Most people usually just take my card to be polite." "Well, I'm not polite." "Oh, my, isn't this nice!" "Thank you!" "Just make yourself at home, look around." "I'm going to go change." "Everything is so pretty!" "Can I live here?" "That tea's kind of fabulous, too." "I'm dating this guy." "He has no sense of humor." "That can be a dealbreaker." "I don't know what to do... he's very sweet." "Sweet can be good." "Maybe you can find someone else to tell you jokes." "Are you married?" "Divorced." "Ten years." "Are you still friends?" "No, not really." "We share a daughter, but other than that it's hard to believe that I ever had a laugh with that man let alone create a child." "I know what you mean about your ex." "We had zero in common." "I don't know how lever had a real conversation with him." "It's crazy, right?" "I'd like to call you pretty soon if it's all right." "My right shoulder is still very tight." "You should ice it tonight." "And drink plenty of water." "It's important to stay hydrated." "Of course." "Hey, do you want some chervil?" "I'm drowning in it." "Sure." "I'll just give you what I've cut." "I don't have anything to put it in, but..." "That's ideal." "Thank you." "Lovely." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "What is chervil?" "She said she was drowning in it." "It's a herb." "A what?" "An herb." "How long have you known me?" "I can't understand a damn thing you say." "Oh, my God." "Everything in that house was gorgeous." "I wanted everything." "She has no cellulite!" "How can that be?" "I've never seen anything like it." "Nothing." "Will told me some guy you met at the party wants your number." "Jason's friend, I think." "That's so funny." "We both said we weren't attracted to each other." "I don't know what to do." "He's kind of fat." "He is?" "He's got this big belly." "Well, you've got nothing to lose." "No, but he does." "Your light came on." "You got a patient." "Better get a move on." "What happens if you never go out there?" "Do they..." "Was that inappropriate?" "Bye." "I'm sorry about this." "I swear to God I made a dinner reservation." "No, it's okay." "It's fine." "What about you?" "What do you do?" "I work at the American Library of Cultural History." "The what?" "Exactly." "It's kind of a television library." "Do you watch a lot of TV?" "No, it's television history." "What's on now, I have no clue." "I tried to watch one of those Housewives of Idiot Town but I got so depressed, I thought I was going to jump off a building." "I know what you mean." "I tried to watch one with my daughter and I could not believe what I was watching!" "No brains, and the fake cheekbones and fake boobs." "Do you like fake boobs?" "No." "I like real boobs." "I have real boobs." "That's working out for us then." "How long have you been divorced?" "About four years." "Was it mutual?" "Not really." "No." "Can I have her number?" "Of course." "Imagine the time that would save." "We should all put a sign on our necks with what's wrong with us." "Get it all out there." "Good idea." "What would your sign say?" "I don't know." "I'm a slob." "I have ear hair." "There are things to get rid of that." "Researched, taken care of." "So you're a slob?" "Not like a dirty hoarder slob." "What kind?" "A normal disorganized one." "Does your daughter live with you?" "Half the time." "It aggravates her sometimes." "She and her mother are very, very neat." "As a matter of fact, their favorite store I don't know, it's... it's the store with all the empty boxes and storage." "The Container Store?" "Yes." "The Container Store." "The store that sells crap you can put your crap in so you can buy more crap." "I love that store!" "I love crap." "So did my ex-wife, and she puts it in lovely, flowery and expensive boxes." "You should know, they have things in sort of manly designs there." "Manly designs?" "Yeah, like browns, and little cowboy designs." "Little cowboys." "I mean, come on." "It's hard to live with somebody, don't you think?" "People's habits are..." "Okay, listen to this." "I like guacamole." "But I don't like the onions in guacamole, so I take a chip and swirl it around and separate the onions from the guacamole so I can eat it." "Now, that drove her bananas." "It sounds pretty harmless." "I thought so, but by the end of our marriage, it made her gag." "That's not nice." "You have lovely hands." "I thought, as a masseuse, you'd have big, muscular hands, but they're very lovely." "Thank you." "You have nice hands, too." "Thank you." "Kind of like paddles." "Did they just turn the music louder?" "No, I think you just got older." "Excuse me!" "Do you mind turning down the music a little?" "I'm old." "No, I'm sorry." "No, you're sorry I'm old or that you won't turn the music down?" "I'm not allowed to change it, ma'am." "He's so nice!" "I find I don't like younger people." "I'm sorry, I picked the wrong restaurant." "I'm having a great time." "This is delicious." "I can't hear what you're saying, but..." "That's probably why you're having a great time." "What is this, tomatoes?" "Tomatoes?" "It's watermelon." "That's croutons next to it." "Doesn't that defeat the purpose?" "It's nonfat yogurt, not ice cream." "You can put stuff on it." "That looks good, man." "What?" "What?" "People tasting?" "Take a chance." "Put something in your bowl." "You're not buying a house." "He's happy." "I know." "Give me this." "They have to test the flavors, there's millions of them." "Very Berry Sorbet, and..." "This is my daughter." "Wowie kazowie!" "She's stunning!" "Lucky you." "She looks like her mother, thank God." "Here's mine." "Right there." "She's beautiful." "You got any money?" "I'm kidding." "Oh, my God." "I had such a good time." "That was really fun." "I thought so, too." "I'm not sure." "Okay." "I mean I mean, maybe." "I understand." "It's just..." "I'm not sure." "I get it." "I'm not deaf." "I'm a little deaf in..." "Thank you very much." "I like your paddles." "I like your ass." "My God." "Well, thank you." "Good night." "Hi!" "Hi." "Hi." "How was it?" "Fine." "I mean, if he hooks up with someone else, I'll feel like an idiot." "So don't do it." "What are you talking about?" "Nothing." "I can't decide if I should sleep with Chris or not." "I don't want to do something I'll regret but I also really like him, so I don't know what to do." "And you're a virgin?" "Yeah." "Don't answer that!" "Here's what I say." "You can't live in fear of making a mistake." "If you want to do it, do it." "Mom." "What?" "Stay out of it." "Ellen, honey, she asked me." "She did?" "Right, Chloe?" "No?" "My bad." "Quiet." "Ellen, I forgot to ask what happened to Maddy Price?" "She was so rude to me the other day!" "She had a threesome with Sage Berger and Brendon Weiss... she thinks she's Taylor Momsen." "Don't tell my mom!" "She can tell me stuff." "You never do." "Wait a minute." "They had a threesome?" "Forget it, Mom." "What is happening?" "Is everybody doing it?" "Mom, shut up!" "Come out!" "You look beautiful!" "Look at you two." "Come on!" "We're not buying the same dress, Mom!" "We won't wear it at the same time." "But you look stupid." "I think I look good." "You're so lumpy!" "I'd wear that if I could." "Thank you." "No, you wouldn't." "Mom, you look crazy." "You are not the only attractive girl in this family, Chloe." "Why can't you dress like Ellen's mom?" "She looks normal." "So what happened with not-so-funny guy?" "It didn't work out." "No, it's fine." "What about you?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "I had a very good first date over the weekend." "How nice!" "What's he like?" "Funny." "We really never stopped talking." "It was like we were old friends already." "Be careful with that, 'cause it could kill the chemistry." "No, no." "In a good way." "Really." "I mean, it was just..." "it was very flirtatious." "I didn't find him attractive at first, because he's not handsome in the typical way." "But I don't know..." "now I find him kind of... sexy." "Hi." "Did I get the day wrong?" "No." "Why?" "Because you're wearing pajamas?" "It's just brunch." "It's Sunday." "I like to be comfortable." "Good." "Okay." "Come on in." "I got us that." "I'll make us some mimosas." "This is nice." "Thank you." "You carry a purse?" "No, that's my daughter Tess's." "It was outrageously expensive, but it was her 18th birthday, so..." "Oh, my God!" "Bagels!" "I love bread." "I really love it." "So, what's she like?" "Your daughter." "She's very sophisticated..." "as you can tell by the pocketbook." ""Pocketbook"." "She's smart, lovely and funny, and she's moving to New York." "Very far away." "It is far." "She's going to Parsons School of Design." "I'm very proud of her." "I bet." "I would be." "But part of me thinks that I shouldn't let her go." "She's 18 and this is a great opportunity but if something happens to her while she's in New York, I will never forgive myself." "Come on." "But I know what you mean." "This going away to college thing." "We just send them off?" "And not know where they are all the time?" "Aside from the fact that I don't know what my life will be like when she's gone." "And Ellen doesn't want her dad and me to take her there." "We take her to the airport here, but don't fly with her." "That would kill me..." "just put her on the plane?" "Heartbreaking." "We're going to have to develop hobbies." "I guess so." "I already have one, 'cause I knit." "So I'll just spend the rest of my life knitting." "That's my plan." "That's funny because... actually, I weave." "Like baskets?" "Yeah, I do it in the garage." "Really!" "No." "Why would you think I'd weave?" "I thought you were..." "I didn't want to insult you." "I'm kind of glad you don't weave." "Me, too." "I've been picturing what it's going to be like for her not to be here." "Even though she's only here half the time, it'll be very different." "I can see your penis." "My God!" "Your pajama thing is a little bit open." "Shit!" "I'm very sorry." "What did you think?" "I think you are very healthy." "Thank you." "Go change your pants." "Be right back." "What happened to you guys?" "Not the details, just general..." "We were... very different." "We never had sex." "Not my choice." "She just had no interest in it." "And I'm pretty sure she had an affair." "Which was awful, because it meant that she did like sex, she just didn't like it with me." "You." "Right." "She thought my job was stupid." "She thought I parented badly." "I thought she parented badly." "Why are you wrecking my backyard?" "You have a lot of weeds." "I thought this was all good." "No." "We never had sex, either." "Not his choice." "We were pretty out of sync in that department." "We were pretty out of sync with Ellen, too." "Oh, my God fought all the time about how to parent." "That's good grass you're pulling up." "I'll put it back." "Jesus." "Got yourself a... blister thing going on?" "Yeah." "Are you grossed out?" "No." "You are." "Are you freaked out by my feet?" "I have a little problem with feet." "Have you looked at your own feet?" "I'm used to my feet." "Okay, well..." "What's the deal?" "It has to do with my mother." "She had feet?" "She had spectacular feet." "Here we go." "They were red and yellow and green and purple and swollen with veins." "I get it." "Don't do that." "I have to." "I've never had a pedicure." "I never saw the point until this actual moment." "Would you like a Band-Aid?" "Please!" "That would be great." "And maybe a bag for my foot." "Stop it." "Two bags." "Two bags for the old bag." "I knew I shouldn't have told you." "They're naked, right?" "Yeah." "Are you ever attracted to them?" "No." "I'm sure they're attracted to you." "They're getting massaged." "Do they ever hit on you?" "Sometimes, yeah." "I can give you a massage some time, if you want." "I might like that." "I would definitely hit on you." "That might be okay." "Really?" "Want a kiss?" "Yeah." "You didn't actually open your eyes at any point, did you?" "No." "No worries." "I kept my eyes closed." "I figured if I couldn't see you, you couldn't see me." "I saw you." "Oh, God." "I'm tired of being funny." "Me, too." "But you're not funny." "I'm so excited for you." "He sounds great." "He is great." "It was so cute..." "he made a whole bruncheon." "Sweet." "Yeah, it was sweet." "Okay, good." "We had such good sex." "How fun." "I can't even imagine." "What do you think?" "I liked how it was before." "You're going to give yourself a hernia." "Okay, you guys are done." "Thanks for your help." "Take your drawing in the kitchen." "You can watch TV, but no Cleveland Show." "Please, Mom?" "Okay." "Jeez." "Way to put your foot down." "I'm too tired to be a good parent." "Maybe because you're always moving furniture." "Hi, Cathy!" "Hola." "You have no idea." "Will refused to fire her so I let it go, hoping she'd get better." "But she got worse." "It was like she wanted to be fired." "She did such dumb stuff." "That is so interesting." "So I fired her." "And she started crying." "Then I started crying." "Then we were hugging and..." "I hired her back." "Of course you did." "You're nice." "Right?" "Some people would see me as being compassionate or soft-hearted." "Will thinks I'm a baby." "He wants me to fire her again as a learning experience!" "Jesus Christ!" "That's our relationship." "Not your whole relationship." "Whatever." "He's a middle child who never got enough fried chicken at dinner and needs everything to be fair." "Miss Sarah?" "Where should I put this?" "It was in the bathroom." "Outside, with the ping pong table." "Okay." "No problem." "Jesus." "I've never actually seen wisdom teeth." "You do have a lot of fillings." "Are they the mercury kind?" "The normal kind." "And a couple of crowns." "Yeah." "Okay, your turn." "Well, I'd rather you didn't." "Well, I'd rather I did." "I'm going to get my glasses." "Come on." "Open your mouth!" "No." "Open your mouth." "Make me." "Make me." "Open your mouth." "Okay." "Oh, my God!" "You're missing a tooth?" "You are!" "Yes, I am." "Let me see." "You can't tell... it's way back there." "It doesn't matter." "I need some kind of hideous bone graft." "It costs a lot of money and I'm putting it off." "My grandma Dee Dee had that." "Your grandma Dee Dee." "Thank you for that." "Thanks." "I'm so sorry!" "It's okay." "This is Ellen's best friend, Chloe." "This is my friend, Albert." "Hi." "Ellen didn't answer my texts." "I thought she was sleeping." "She's at her dad's, honey." "Is everything okay?" "I thought we were getting breakfast." "You hungry?" "Let's see." "From 1975, Channel 4." "Well, what time?" "Come on." "Saturday morning." "Woody Woodpecker, Pink Panther, McDuff, the Talking Dog which I didn't like but watched anyway," "Monster Squad, Land of the Lost, then Big John, Little John, which was like the movie Big, but weirder." "That's incredible." "I thought I watched a lot of TV!" "I looked forward to that lineup." "What, were you neglected as a kid?" "I was kind of raised like a veal." "I was put in a dark room fed and told not to move." "Very relaxing." "...and she's like, "I might want to get another size", but that's bullshit, it is the right size." "She's petite, but very heavy on top, so I got a medium!" "But here's the thing, I got it at Nordstrom Rack, but I put it in a Neiman Marcus box..." "Yeah, that's good." "Don't open the door." "Just pretend you don't know I'm here even though you heard me lock my car." "Amazing." "So what do you do with all this?" "Do you really want to hear this?" "Yeah." "I do." "What?" "I make sure things are transferred to digital properly." "I make sure they' re logged in properly." "I write blurbs so if anyone under 50 wants to put down their phone and come in and watch something original and brilliant, they can find it." "Like what, for instance?" "The Sid Caesar show." "The Jack Benny show." "The Dean Martin show." "So cool." "Yeah, it is." "I kind of love it." "On slow days I can sit in my office and watch episodes of What's Happening!" "No, you don't." "Well, if things..." "This is my office." "That's Bob." "Hey." "Did you ever see Flipper?" "Of course I did." "Oh, God." "It made me want a dolphin as a pet so bad." "Really?" "That's a lot of work." "What is that noise?" "Somebody watching something." "It happens occasionally." "It's Taxi." "The episode where Alex's dog dies." "Buddy or Buster or something." "You hungry?" "Starving." "Let's get lunch." "There she is!" "Right on time." "Hi, honey." "Hi, Dad." "So, Eva..." "Tess." "Tess, Eva." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "You, too." "Seriously?" "They have great chili!" "I love chili." "Have you ever been to Lilly's?" "No." "It's so good." "It's around the corner." "Lilly's it is." "I'll be studying fashion design." "You obviously have good taste." "Thank you." "Eva has a daughter your age going to college in the fall also." "She's going to Sarah Lawrence." "She's interested in English and history." "She loves history!" "I think she wants to be a writer." "Sarah Lawrence is not what it used to be." "I mean, I'm sure it's still good." "It's just gone downhill a lot in the last few years." "Some of my let's just say not-so-smart friends just got in." "I was shocked." "I'm sure a lot of smart people still go there." "Oh, yeah." "I know." "I'm just saying." "I think you should stay home and go to school here." "At least you're honest about it." "Mom acts like she's excited to be on her own again, but I don't buy it." "Why don't we take it a little easy on Mom." "She's all right." "Don't judge till you have kids of your own." "Except I'm not having any." "And why do you say that?" "I want a career." "Anyway, I hate kids." "Really?" "Right now we have that in common." "Corey?" "Listen, she doesn't know what she's talking about." "She's too young to know what she wants." "Dad, I'm going to go get a coffee, okay?" "Bye." "Thank you for lunch." "So nice to meet you." "You, too." "Yeah." "Great." "Bye!" "Bye." "Be careful!" "She has a lot of friends." "You think she has threesomes?" "What?" "Why would you say that?" "I know, but apparently, it's what they're doing these days." "That's what I heard." "Oh, my God." "Right?" "I'm afraid that window's closed." "There was a window?" "How was the daughter?" "Kind of awful, actually." "A real snob." "That's too bad." "I wonder what your roommate will be like?" "Me, too." "You want me to call her parents?" "No, I don't." "You hungry, honey?" "Not really." "What did you eat yesterday?" "I don't know." "Well, think." "Tell me." "I want to know what you ate." "Cereal a banana..." "Where'd you get the banana?" "Mom, you're crazy!" "What?" "What'd you have for lunch?" "Okay, bye." "Where are you going?" "I mean, he's kind of flabby and middle-aged, but I don't care." "I'm flabby and middle-aged." "It's funny, because our middle-agedness is..." "Isn't that so incredibly sad?" "But sort of good, too." "Yeah." "I think that my ex, all he wanted was for me to accept his belly and all his quirks." "In the end, I was completely repulsed by him sexually." "Kind of terrible in bed and just very clumsy." "Oh, no." "Just a sec." "Here." "It's my last copy, but I really want you to have it." "Are you sure?" "Absolutely." "I'm a little intimidated." "I'm not really good with poetry." "Just let it wash over you." "Don't try to understand it." "I won't, believe me." "God, thank you so much!" "I've loved our time together." "I know." "Do you think it would be weird if we hung out as friends?" "I would love that!" "I would!" "I want you to try this salsa, 'cause these tomatoes are amazing." "But careful!" "There's a ton of onions." "One of the many upsides to my divorce." "What do you mean?" "My ex hated onions, so he would take a chip and he would put it in the salsa and tap, tap, tap swirl, tap, tap, tap, swirl, and so on," "until all the onions were pushed up against the side!" "It kind of made me sick." "Mom?" "That's my daughter..." "she's not feeling well." "Be right back." " Hi, honey." " Hi." "I don't feel good." "I feel..." "Right here." "Let me see." "They're swollen." "Listen, will you come meet my friend?" "Just for a second, please?" "Eva?" "Eva?" "That's so weird, she was just here." "Eva?" "I'm going back to bed." "I love you." "I love you, too." "You have bad breath." "I'm sick!" "God!" "Hi." "This planting I'm admiring, it's so huge!" "Thank you." "I wanted you to meet my daughter Tess, but..." "I have to go." "Okay!" "Yeah." "Okay." "Great!" "All right." "So I'll call you and we'll do something." "Wonderful." "Thank you so much!" "It was so nice!" "Thank you so much." "Have a great day." "Great, great, great!" "Bye-bye." "Are you okay?" "I got it!" "Do you believe that?" "I am not shitting you!" "Thai is an unbelievable coincidence." "What will you do?" "I don't know!" "Shit!" "Your light went on." "Can you call me back, please?" "Hi, Mom!" "Hi!" "Did you take your shoes off?" "No." "Since when do I have to?" "We're doing that now." "It's cleaner." "And your socks, too." "You are not going to believe this." "It turns out that the woman I've been massaging is Albert's ex-wife." "Weird!" "So weird." "I have been listening to her say the worst things about the one guy I started to really, really like." "And I pictured the ex she was talking about as this fat irritating slob and it turns out it's Albert!" "Fat Albert!" "What?" "Who?" "It's a cartoon." "A cartoon!" "But he's so not like that." "How do you know?" "We had breakfast the other day." "He's sweet, funny." "Yeah, you liked him, right?" "Totally." "Wait, what?" "You weren't here." "We all had breakfast." "I haven't even met him." "Well, you will." "What did she say about him?" "Oh, my God!" "It's like this parade of horribles!" "He's disgusting." "That he's like this clown in bed." "Mom!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I date sometimes." "It's just so hard to meet people." "And I'm not attracted to anybody." "Really?" "Really." "And you weren't attracted to your ex-husband?" "That must have been difficult." "Well, I tried really hard." "I did." "But he would go on so many diets, and then he would cheat and then he would act shocked when he got fatter." "...the behavior around the weight." "Excuse me." "Are you Marianne Hope?" "Yes." "Oh, my God!" "I told you." "You are like our biggest idol." "This means so much to us." "She gave me a copy of Beautiful Fruit when my mom died." "It saved me." "How wonderful." "I'm so sorry." "Thank you." "Well, thanks very much." "Blessings." "Blessings." "Take care." "Blessings!" "It's so cool that you saved her." "But, he never got obese, right?" "Well, it depends on your definition of the word obese." "But initially... you were I don't know, you liked him, more or less?" "Unfortunately..." "less." "There were just so many things that really got on my nerves." "Like what, though?" "Sorry I'm being so negative." "I really am." "It's okay." "It is." "It's just that I don't really have anybody" "I can bitch to about things like this." "You can completely bitch to me." "Really." "Thank you." "Sure." "I trust you." "Good." "I do." "What's wrong with you?" "She can find another masseuse." "I'm her friend." "She doesn't have any close friends." "I'm like it." "I feel so pulled in." "She's like a human Trip Advisor." "Albert is not a hotel." "But if you could avoid staying in a bad one, wouldn't you?" "Oh, my God." "She has said so many bad things about him." "She's not perfect." "But she knows what she's talking about." "She's smart." "So are you." "Maybe she's ultimately right." "Are you right about Peter?" "You didn't want him... does that make him unlovable?" "By anyone normal." "You haven't said anything about my furniture arrangement." "I don't remember how it was before." "Hey!" "What do you think?" "Oh, honey." "Why do you keep doing this?" "She's filling a hole." "I'll fill your hole." "Different hole." "You're missing out." "Fun time!" "Hi!" "Whose car is this?" "Tess is getting hers fixed." "This is a rental." "Sorry." "Why do you have it?" "I'm letting her drive mine." "She likes it better." "Yeah, I bet she does." "You okay?" "Yeah." "What was that?" "The gear skrinkle." ""Skrinkle?"" "Why are you shaking that?" "It spreads the butter around." "You put more butter on that?" "No, I put regular butter." "I asked for butter." "I didn't put more butter." "I thought it came with butter." "This actor, I saw him in a restaurant." "He was about three and a half feet tall." "You need to whisper, okay?" "What is she wearing?" "It looks like her aunt crocheted something to put over a plant." "You got to whisper." "I am whispering." "I'm whispering." "No." "I want to ask you something." "And I really want the truth." "Okay?" "Can you breathe when I'm on top of you?" "Yeah!" "I'm planning on losing some weight." "I know I need to." "Was it an issue with your ex-wife?" "Oh, my God!" "Sometimes I ate just to drive her nuts." "You have a cold?" "No." "No, I..." "I broke my nose a couple times." "My doctor says at this point, my nose is purely ornamental." "Will you get it fixed?" "Yeah, after the missing tooth." "You know, I think Tess really liked you." "I could tell." "She seems so neat." "She really is a great girl." "I know she can be obnoxious sometimes, but she's young." "She's really got a good heart." "She'll figure it out." "I kind of adore you already." "So what about you and Chris?" "What's going on?" "What?" "What?" "We did it." "Really?" "How was it?" "Nice." "I think." "No, it was good." "Congratulations." "I'm happy it was nice." "Even if we don't stay together, I'm glad I got it over with." "I'm glad I took your advice." "Hey!" "Hi, honey." "When did you get here?" "A couple of minutes ago." "Just waiting for you." "Look." "I've wanted to paint your nails for like ten years." "I thought you were too ticklish." "I know!" "She's in love." "So I guess that makes you not ticklish." "You weren't here." "Come be with us." "Actually, I have some..." "Come on, Ellen." "Come back." "Crazy day." "I had a wonderful call from Joni Mitchell this morning." "She read the galleys to my new collection and loved them, so that was..." "You're friends with Joni Mitchell?" "Yeah, we have been for a while." "Do you want some water?" "No, thank you." "And I met a guy!" "A really nice guy." "He takes really good care of himself." "He's vegan and he actually read my work before he met me." "A poetry-reading vegan." "Oh, my God!" "I hope it goes well." "I tend to get my hopes up a little early." "I just don't want to be disappointed again." "With Albert, there was always this bait and switch." "When we first started dating, I thought," ""He's mature." "He can buy a house."" "This house?" "Yes!" "But you should see where he lives now." "And he made this dish of spaghetti with eggplant and mozzarella." "Sounds kind of delicious." "But it turned out that was all he could cook." "And he has no friends." "I mean, neither do I, but..." "Well, me and Joni." "Yeah." "That's true!" "That's true, that's true." "Hi." "Hungry?" "Yes." "Get ready for some eggplant with mozzarella!" "You okay?" "Yeah." "This is actually delicious!" "Why do you sound surprised?" "It's great." "How was work today?" "Good." "I had two massages." "Barnacles?" "Non-stop talking?" "Boners?" "There was this nice woman in Santa Monica." "She talked a lot about her ex-husband." "I just hope it wasn't my ex-wife." "I got you a little present." "You did?" "Now, it's just a little present." "Oh, my God!" "I saw it and thought of you." "This beautiful, wonderful..." "I can't do it, but let me help you." "Oh, my God." "Thank you so much." "Look." "Do you like it on me?" "It's nice." "Maybe I shouldn't have?" "Is it too soon?" "No." "It's just so nice." "Thank you." "What?" "Nothing." "You all right?" "Yeah." "I don't know what that was." "Sorry." "Let me get here." "You okay?" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Your beard is so tickly." "Sorry." "That's okay." "Okay, here I come again." "Oh, goodie." "Oh, my hair!" "My hair, my hair!" "I don't know what I'm doing, but this isn't going very well, so let's just stop." "What?" "You look cute in my robe." "Is everything okay?" "You have like four hundred mouthwashes." "Yeah, I need to use them and then I buy them and then I forget about them and then I buy more of them." "And you have like 80 million toothbrushes." "I do?" "I only use one of them." "So why don't you throw the other ones out?" "I don't know." "Because... they're my friends?" "Are you all right?" "You want to take another shot at it?" "I'm just..." "I'm kind of tired." "Is that okay?" "It's okay." "You looked so pretty." "Seriously, kiddo, I'm proud of you." "Thank you, Dad." "We are so proud." "We have some graduation money for you." "Thank you, Fran, Dad." "It's in fives." "Thank you for including me." "You really have a fight with your mom?" "Huge." "Where's your clad?" "He lives in San Diego, but you'd think he was in Alaska." "He never visits." "But I don't care." "He remarried this really weird woman, and she never talks." "Hear, hear for second marriages!" "It's kind of true." "It's good when everyone is older and wiser." "Steady." "And people have figured out how to compromise." "Or behave." "Thank you very much." "Nobody's talking about you." "Don't take it personally." "I'm talking generally." "If I got married again, I'd be on the lookout for the inevitable problems." "Odd conversation." "Pretty weird." "Sorry, but maybe don't get married a second time." "I'm not saying I will." "I'm just saying." "She's just saying." "Fran, what was your ex-husband like?" "He was actually a lovely, lovely man." "But not for me." "Very grownup!" "He passed away." "Two years ago." "I'm sorry." "Could we get some more bread, please?" "Please, no more bread." "Why not?" "I don't want to eat it." "Then don't." "More bread, please." "Are you going to eat it?" "I don't know, but somebody else might." "I probably will." "Me, too." "Bread eater, bread eater." "I'm sorry." "So, Fran, you eat bread, I see." "It's true!" "So you get to keep cookies in the house." "I can." "What are you talking about?" "It's not a big deal, but I have trouble controlling myself so when Peter would bring home things like chocolate or good bread, yummy stuff," "I'd eat all of it, then hate myself." "And me for bringing it home." "So did you stop buying it?" "Yeah, I did." "And got so angry." "I was not angry." "A little bit angry." "Well, he should have been angry." "Why should he be deprived because she can't control herself?" "Because she's his wife and he's trying to help her?" "Yeah, but is that really helping her?" "Yes!" "Not if we want her to learn to control herself." ""We?"" "I just said it's not fair to him." "Why does everything have to be fair?" "What are you, six?" "Of course..." "What?" "Let's keep it nice." "I just forget the cookies are there." "So..." "That's why it's good you're married to Peter and I'm not." "That is absolutely the God's honest truth." "It's cold out." "Nobody ate the bread, by the way." "You did." "Yeah, exactly." "Exactly?" "Let me ask you a question." "When people ask why we got divorced, what do you say?" "I say I don't think you and I should have been together." "What about Fran?" "Did you talk to her about us?" "Right." "She's your wife." "Right." "Yeah, okay." "That was fun?" "I started this blanket when you were five." "I don't know what I was thinking about this color." "I'm going to finish it, so you can take it with you." "I'll probably buy another one, in case." "What are you talking about?" "This will be good." "Why are you looking at this?" "I don't know." "I just pulled it out." "I was trying to remember what I knew." "Did I already know those things about your dad?" "I mean the things we would fight about." "Probably not." "I think I did, actually." "I think I always knew." "Or felt them." "I just wasn't paying attention." "But look at what I got!" "I'm going to bed." "No, stay here and cozy up with me." "I'm tired." "Come on, Chloe." "Is that hard?" "Not at all." "You want to learn?" "Yeah." "I've been trying to teach Ellen for the longest time!" "Albert." "Are you still seeing his wife?" "Well, she has a bad shoulder." "And she has no friends." "What?" "Don't look at me like that." "I'm screwed up." "Just one second." "I'm in the middle of some bullshit." "Can you just put your table down?" "I'll be right back." "Yeah." "Take your time." "We did, we agreed on it, Albert!" "Because I was there!" "I remember." "Oh, my God." "Okay." "Well, it is." "It's all worked out." "Yes, it is." "Okay, fine, good." "Bye!" "My God, I cannot wait till I don't have to talk to him anymore." "What happened?" "He thinks he should take Tess to school, not me." "Tess wants it to be me, because she told me." "But, I mean..." "Thank you." "Can't you both just take her?" "I don't think so." "No, I don't." "He's such a wreck about her going away." "She doesn't need that kind of energy right now." "And he just focuses so much onto her." "She can feel it." "Isn't that kind of nice, though?" "I mean, that he focuses?" "Well, maybe if he had a girlfriend or something so it would balance it out but I don't see that happening." "Really?" "Why not?" "Because he's a loser." "Such a mean word, but it fits." "How does it fit?" "For instance-this is typically Albert when we were first going out, he had nothing next to his bed." "No table, nothing." "At first I thought, "That's cute." "It's kind of bohemian." Stuff like that." "So then we got married and I went out and bought these really lovely bedside tables." "Then last year, I saw all of his stuff was on the side of the bed again." "I mean, I took the tables, granted, but he never went out and replaced them." "He's just content to just put his shit on the floor again." "Metaphorically speaking, he's not building a life for himself." "I mean, who would date a person like that?" "Right." "I'm not picking up." "Marianne, please pick up the phone." "We haven't resolved anything." "I know you're there." "This is so embarrassing." "I'm sorry." "Fine." "Don't deal with it." "Okay, these are just little things." "Ultimately, we just..." "I never felt understood by him." "You know?" "He didn't get the poetry." "He never got me." "Has anyone ever gotten you?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "What about the flabby guy?" "How's that?" "Yeah." "Maybe." "I need you to meet him." "We can do a double date." "Not so you can decide what you think of him." "Please?" "I'm losing all perspective here." "Exactly!" "You don't need somebody else's!" "Will you please just say yes and do this for me?" "Please?" "They had stars and suns and moons." "I know." "I hate those." "Why do women like things that look like they belong to children?" "You know what I love?" "Dollhouse furniture." "I would eat it if I could." "Sometimes I wish I was single, just so I could have girlie sheets." "You would love that." "I have flowery sheets." "They're not all they're cracked up to be." "I like your flowery sheets." "Don't sell me out, man." "We're new." "I'd like her sheets if they had little Mussolinis on them." "Talk to me when you get night tables." "He has normal sheets, but no night tables." "So I don't have night tables." "Maybe it's a metaphor." "Or maybe not!" "I don't know." "I make a million compromises." "It just seems not having flowery sheets is not a big deal." "I know." "I know you make compromises." "Really?" "What do you think they are?" "This is not the time." "Sometimes I wish I was with somebody who was more interested in history." "What?" "History." "Okay." "I'm just saying." "More guacamole?" "Not for me." "I'd love some, actually." "You know how many calories are in guacamole?" "Ten." "Lay off the guy." "He likes guacamole." "You know what?" "We don't need the guac!" "I'll just stick with the cheese." "You know what I'm going to get you as a present?" "A calorie book." "Please don't." "Yeah." "A calorie book as a gift is not so good." "Eva tells me you're a therapist." "Tell us about your weirdest patient." "No, I can't She can't." "Of course you can!" "You don't have to name names, mate." "You're so uptight about confidentiality." "Shouldn't she be?" "Well, you know." "Okay." "I have one patient who picks his nose and eats it." "Oh, man!" "In front of you?" "Yes." "Is he a child?" "Are you making this up?" "It is so gross and distracting." "He does it in this way he thinks I can't see, but it's so obvious." "I won't say who it is, but he is famous." "Really famous." "He is not!" " I know who it is." " You do?" "No, you don't." "I absolutely do." "Please, Sarah, tell us!" "Please!" "Okay!" "That's it!" "Shaw's over!" "I like being drunk." "I really think it's highly overrated." "Underrated!" "You're shouting." "I am?" "No, I'm not." "You are." "A little." "Okay, I'm sorry." "I don't want to wake up the small people." "I'm sorry." "You want to know something funny?" "This one here can't whisper." "What?" "Will you do it right now?" "Will you show them?" "I'm whispering." "That was a whisper." "What?" "No, it's not." "Can I?" "Yeah, that was a whisper." "What about me?" "Yes, you can whisper." "This is whispering." "No, it's not." "That is not a whisper at all." "You're picking on him." "No, I'm not!" "You are." "You kind of are." "Okay, I'm sorry." "I've just, never in my entire life have I met anybody who couldn't whisper at all." "Whatever." "No." "You are not allowed to complain about her anymore." "Why the fuck is this in the drawer?" "Cathy?" "Did you put this in the drawer?" "No." "Maybe one of the kids did." "That could be." "But I think you put it there, 'cause I find weird stuff in these drawers all the time." "I clean the best I can." "I'm just trying to understand the thought process." "You like the counters clean." "Yeah, but not by shoving weird shit in the wrong drawers." "Does the ball belong in the kitchen?" "That's enough." "You know what, Mrs. Sarah?" "I find your crap everywhere." "You think I know where to put it?" "You leave stuff all over the house." "You let your children write on the walls." "You floss your teeth and leave it." "You clean your own house." "You people disgust me." "But you is nice, Mr. Will." "Thanks, Cathy!" "It really would have been kinder to fire her." "Oh, my God." "Guys, my timing might be a little off but I think I put the ball in the drawer." "Not funny." "Are you serious?" "That wasn't a very fun evening, was it?" "God!" "Yikes!" "Why do you care if I don't know how to whisper?" "What was that?" "I mean, that was embarrassing." "I was just joking around." "That was complete... nothing." "A calorie book?" "You're going to buy me a calorie book?" "Okay, well, I'm sorry." "I'm obviously not going to buy you a calorie book." "I thought you actually liked me." "I do like you." "Why do I feel like I just spent the evening with my ex-wife?" "Wait, what are you doing, driving me home?" "Are you going to spend the night?" "No." "Not tonight." "Okay." "Hi." "Ellen went out with friends, but I didn't really want to go home." "Is this okay?" "I'm glad you're here, actually." "I'm always so much more comfortable at your house." "You know you would be so welcome to stay in Ellen's room once she's gone." "You'd have to check with your mom, but the room will be empty." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "That would be awesome." "Thank you so much." "Sure." "Thank you." "Excuse me, Chloe, but can I have my mom back?" "Honey, we were just watching something and passed out." "Next you'll be asking her to move into my room when I'm gone." "I'm sorry." "No, it's not your fault, sweetie." "I better go home." "Honey." "Chloe is needy." "Who's needy?" "You know, I guess I am just trying to feel a little bit more separate." "Son of prepare." "But instead, I just feel lonely and anxious and Chloe is always here." "I'm so sorry about that." "But, Ellen, you know you're my baby." "Right, honey?" "Give Mommy a hug." "Will you sit with me?" "Can I see what Daddy and Fran gave you?" "I'm going to finish my blanket." "They get you anything else?" "Those are good." "They don't take up room." "You'll use those." "Hey, did you ever get a chance to look at my book?" "I did!" "You did?" "Yes." "Your poems are beautiful!" "I mean, not that I understand them, but I like them." "Thank you." "And I'm sure you understand them." "Mom!" "We're out here!" "Dad's in the car." "I forgot my phone." "Good, because I finally get to introduce you guys." "This is Eva." "Tess!" "Hi?" "You guys know each other?" "Yeah, we know each other." "This is Tess." "Mom, she's dating Dad." "What?" "You didn't know that?" "You date Albert?" "I'm not sure what's going on right now." "Wait a minute." "Hello!" "Marianne!" "Sorry to interrupt, but, Tess, we really have to get going." "Hi!" "Hi." "I don't understand." "What are you doing here?" "She massages me." "We're friends." "I thought" "You're friends with Marianne." "I met you at a party and you gave me your card..." "No, no." "I gave you my card." "Yes." "I think you were at that same party." "Yeah, I remember the party." "And you met us both." "So now you're her masseuse?" "Yeah!" "For how long?" "Ever since we all met." "Well, I didn't know who she was, or who you... are, were." "So you put it together at some point, right?" "No." "No?" "I'm sorry, at some point, I..." "When?" "Well, I think..." "What?" "When?" "When?" "Yeah." "You got your phone?" "Yeah." "Okay, let's go." "I'm so sorry." "Are you okay?" "Should I not be here?" "Probably not." "I screwed up big time." "What happened?" "Shit!" "That's my mom." "Hi, Mom." "I'm sorry, do you have a daughter?" "'Cause this one's mine." "Who do you think you are, telling her she should have sex with her boyfriend?" "You know what?" "All she needs..." "No, you shut it!" "Dyke." "I didn't tell you about the kitchen remodel." "They talked to the guys in Rome about the travertine." "Apparently when they were lifting it up, it snapped or something..." "Is your dad here?" "He went to the market." "Sorry to just come over like this, but he hasn't been returning my calls, so..." "I'll tell him you came by." "What are you gonna do with that?" "You want one?" "Sure." "Hi." "You know how many calories are in that?" "I just want to talk." "It really was a coincidence." "Okay?" "And I wanted it to stop." "But she needed massages and we sort of..." "Thank you." "We sort of became friends and I didn't know what to do." "She needed massages?" "You knew what to do." "You just didn't do it." "Well, I was very torn." "So while you were being torn she was poisoning our relationship and poisoning your perception of me." "Why would you want that?" "I don't know." "I mean..." "Except maybe I was trying to protect myself, you know, because you know because we'd both been married before, and you know how things can turn out." "What about us?" "What about protecting us?" "I didn't protect us." "And it didn't get poisoned, Albert." "I still really wanted us to keep seeing each other." "I wouldn't know how, you know?" "I'm so, so, so sorry." "I know this sounds corny but you broke my heart." "And I'm too old for that shit." "And the worst part the worst part of it is that you made me look like an idiot in front of my daughter." "I'm the idiot!" "I'm the idiot." "Look, I got a lot to do." "Tess and everything." "School." "When is she leaving?" "Next week." "School starts early for her." "Yeah, same for Ellen." "I guess we have to get those hobbies going." "Guess so." "Bye." "He just really, really liked you." "I just really, really liked him." "How will you know which one is your room?" "It's all written down." "And remember, Mom, we saw everything on our visit." "I don't remember anything." "I do." "She's going to be great." "You're going to be great." "I love you guys." "I love you, too." "Well, we made a fine person." "Hey, Eva!" "Do you think you can help me?" "Of course!" "Oh, my God." "I'm such an idiot!" "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Is that..." "Jeez." "I'm sorry." "This thing's heavy." "We always go to my mother's house for Thanksgiving and I get in a fight with my sister and brother." "My sister's a middle child, so she has issues." "Anyway, what are you doing?" "What are you doing for the holiday?" "I'm going to my friend's house." "It's going to be a small group, but..." "That sounds nice." "Oh, yeah." "Hi, honey." "Thank you so much." "No problem." "It really smells good in here!" "Yeah?" "I can't smell it anymore." "It's unbelievably delicious sound..." "Sounding." "Smelling." "You excited?" "Oh, my God, beyond!" "You think she'll look different?" "Yeah, maybe she grew a beard or something." "You know how it is at Sarah Lawrence." "No, she looks the same." "I Skyped with her yesterday." "Actually, I think she's gained weight." "What time are you picking her up?" "Not till two." "We're eating at five... you should just come straight here from the airport." "Let's use the fancy plates." "But you say you don't like them." "I know." "But it's Thanksgiving... you're supposed to use the ugly plates." "Okay, I'll see you." "Bye." "Bye, Eva!" "Bye, Cathy." "Hi." "Okay." "I don't always park in front of your house." "I usually just drive by." "Sometimes I drive by your house, too." "You do?" "You look good." "You, too." "Thank you." "Is Tess coming home for Thanksgiving?" "She's already here." "She's over at her mother's." "I'm going over there later." "You want to come?" "And Ellen is..." "This afternoon." "She's coming home this afternoon." "You been okay without her?" "Sure, yeah." "I mean, she's not going back." "'Cause I've built a cage." "What a good idea!" "I've missed you." "I missed you, too." "I should tell you..." "I bought some night tables." "You did?" "No." "No, I didn't." "Okay." "That's good."