"This is a customer announcement." "Head to aisle five for exciting offers on fruit and veg." "Ooh." "Hey." "I saw that first." "And I got it first so tough titty." " Put that carrot back." " How about we share it?" "I'll have the orange bit, you have the green bit." " I'll tell my master." " Ooh, scared!" "Master?" "This short man just took my carrot directly out of the basket." "Well, give it back, turd." "That carrot is a vital ingredient for my supper." "It's pretty vital for mine an' all." "I'm having beef and vegetable stew." "What are you having?" " Carrot." " Seize it from him, Terrence." " Ooh, yes." "How do I..." " Seize it!" "Er..." " Er..." " Hit him, go on." "Ooh." "Oh, yeah." "You want some, do ya?" " Slave fight!" " Slave fight...!" "Go on!" "That's it." "Get off me." "See how you like this, then, bugger-nuts!" "Ooh!" "Agh!" "Aaagh!" "My arm!" "Just this, please." " I can't find my clothes." " So come back to bed." "Yeah, not really a solution long-term." "I had some clean pants and my tunic?" "Just take any tunic." "No-one'll mind." "Erm, I will." "Er, sorry, have you been in our bed the whole night?" "It's not your bed, Marcus." "It's communal." "We share things here." "Yeah, underwear, cutlery, diseases." "You're living the dream!" "Don't mind me." "Where's your tunic?" "No idea." "Someone stole it." "In fact, no." "Someone shared it." "Which apparently makes it fine." "Those dirtbags just move in on everything." "Including my girlfriend." "Maya is all over her like an angry rash." "I cannot go back to that filthy fart farm." "I swear." " Is this yours?" " Er, yes." "Well, your slave broke my slave's arm." "Oh." "Did he?" "Right." "Say sorry to the nice man, Grumio." " Eff off." "He pushed me first." " See?" "He's totally out of control." "Yeah, I know." "Welcome to my world." "I'm always saying that." "So what are you going to do about it?" "I tend to just ignore it." "Rise above it if I can." "This is my head slave that your little lout savaged." "Now, either you pay me 200 denarii for every day he misses, or I take your slave to fill in until his arm gets fixed." " Yes, that one." "The second one." " Oh, you tight bastard." "You brought this on yourself, Grumio." "And if it teaches you how to be a less shit slave, I'm all for it." "Very well, then." "And there's no such thing as a bad slave." "Just a bad master." "Couldn't agree more." "Can we swap ears in a bit?" " Cracking gaff, this." " Yes, well, we all work very hard, to keep our gaff cracking." "Let me introduce the dream team." "Alba here is our culinary whizz." " Hello." " Good afternoon." "And this is Cato." "He does all the strong, boysy stuff." " Blimey, you're a big 'un, aren't ya?" " Cato is a mute." "Something you would do well to aspire to, gobby." "This is Grumio." "He's kindly covering my work, after unkindly breaking my arm." "So tomorrow morning you will be up at 05:00am... 05:00am?" "!" "Is that a real time?" "To prepare the master's bath." "Cook his breakfast, serve his breakfast, empty his potty, wipe his botty, change his sheets, rub his feet." " Then 11 o'clock nap time." " Hmm, sounds like I'll need that." "For the master, not for you." "Now, follow me and I'll show you your sleeping shelf." ""...and plunging the dagger deep into her heart," "Dido leapt onto the burning pyre."" "Well, I don't think she's coming back from that." "Hey, Marcus, there's girl's knickers hanging by the well." " I love this heat-wave." " They're mine, Stylax." "Should bring them in." "They're probably dry now." " Oh." "Yeah, they did feel dry." " I asked Delphine to move in for a bit." " Hope that's cool?" " Just while Grumio's away." " Hang on." "Did you feel her knickers?" " Er, very cool." "Yeah." "So what's the plan for tonight, then, roomies?" "Ah, yeah." "You know that guy who did the Georgics?" "Uh-huh." "We're making our way through his new one, the Aeneid." " Marcus got the full box-set." " Cool." "So could I do that, too?" " Er, yeah." " Yeah?" "I mean, it is quite plotty, so we might have to start again." "Oh, no." "Come on." "We're not going back to the beginning." "Er..." "No it's fine." "Carry on." "I'll pick it up." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Sure." ""She screamed as the flames caressed her legs..."" " And who's doing that, sorry?" " Dido." "She's just stabbed and burnt herself" " because Aeneas is leaving." " Ah, cool!" " And who's he?" " He's the main character." " He's there because Troy got sacked." " Right." "Gotcha." "So he's Troy's replacement." "If Troy got sacked..." "What?" "No, Troy's not a person!" "No, it's Troy." "As in the Wooden Horse of Troy?" " That the Greeks made." " Right." "Yeah, got it." "Carry on." "Er... yeah." ""She screamed as the flames caressed her leg..."" " Sorry, there's a horse made of wood?" " Oh, for Jove's sake!" "Er, I might go for a walk." "That's a thing people do, isn't it?" "Sorry." " Wash my feet, boy." " Nah, you're all right." "I've got a thing about feet." "I've walked the filthy streets all day because of you." "Now wash your master's feet, you little pillock." "They say feet wash themselves after a couple of weeks." "They say that about hair." "Well, you've got hairy feet." "Now!" "♪ This little piggy went to market... ♪" "In silence." "It's meant to be relaxing." "Agh!" "What sort of brush is that?" "!" "Dunno." "I found it in the bog." "You've got to get right in t'cracks, ain't ya?" "Agh!" "No, stop." "This is hateful." "You are not to go near my feet ever again." "Oh." "Nice one." " So are you on food-tasting now?" " What?" "No, I got time off for bad behaviour, didn't I?" "Go on, tell us." "What's your secret?" "Come on, quick sticks!" "Master wants his vol-au-vents." "Well, when they ask you to do something, just do it badly" " and they never ask you again." " Back to work." " Do not listen to him..." " Or if you do it really badly, they actually step in to show you how's it done and basically end up doing it for you." "And that is not how we do things in this house." "As my late father used to say, if something's worth doing" " it's worth doing properly." " Why?" "Because..." "Erm..." "Oh, be quiet!" "OK, I'm gonna drop some next-level shit on you now." "This is a technique I like to call" ""deliberately misunderstanding until people give up asking"." "You and Delphine just need a bit of time to bond is all." "Maybe we'll do a night of parlour games or something." "It can be proper awks living with a couple, trust me." "I've done it for ages now." " Do you mean your parents?" " That's not awkward, that's tragic." "No, it's not." "I have my own door." "And anyway, my parents are away this week." "So you know what that means." "A pool party at Aurelius's house!" "Yeah, "pool party" does sound cool, but "at Aurelius's house" more than cancels is out." "Then stick to your dorky parlour games, mate." "I prefer getting girl round for a bit of skinny-dipping and fingering myself." " You finger yourself?" " What?" " That's your pool party, is it?" " No, I..." "Just get in the pool and prod yourself silly." " Girls, not me." " It's more of a poo party." "I am not gonna finger myself!" "Good for you, water boy." " Fight that urge." " No." "They were... just doing some teasing about my oncoming pool party, water ma'am." "Oh, yes." "I got the invitation." "Thank you." " Shredder." " Have you got all the relevant details?" "I have." "It's your party so I'm not coming." "There'll be cocktails." "And onion rings!" "Focus, please." "Alba." "Sorry, master." "Just trying my best." "Just stop..." "Just stop it, then." "Here you go, boss." "Cheese board." "What?" "Where's the cheese?" "Oh." "I wondered why you just wanted the board." "A cheese board means a selection of cheeses, you numbskull!" " So you don't want the board, then?" " Yes, of course I want the board!" "I want a cheese board of cheese, on a board," " and I want it an hour ago." " Oh." " I don't know how to do all that." " Right." "That's it!" "I'm going to bed!" "Ow!" "Grumio, you're a genius!" "Ta." "I was actually quite confused for a lot of that." "So what do we do now?" "We've never had any time off before." "I tend to sit down, maybe snaffle any food and drink what's lying about." "No, no." "We must use this time to tick off some fiddly jobs we never get round to." "Polish the bronzies." "Weed the herbaceous border." " Oh, come on, man, live a little!" " Please." "Well, I suppose a cheeky bottle of the master's vino wouldn't hurt." "Hmm, yeah." "So this a game called "secrets"." "Whoever has the pebble has to tell us something they've never told anyone." "OK?" "I'll got first." "I once stole an abacus from school" " and kept it under my bed." " Whoa, Marcus, you total bad-ass!" "That's a very shit secret." " All right." "What have you got?" " Er..." "When I was a teenager, I stole some liver from the butcher's." " His one's just as tame." " And then had sex with it." "Ah." "OK." "That is worse." "When I was growing up in Gaul, me and my friends" " set fire to the magistrate's house." " Whoa!" " What?" "!" " Your go, then, Marcus." "Yeah." "I'm mainly thinking about being trapped inside a burning building now." "Let's leave that." "Who wants to play charades?" " Dunno." "Old people?" " Ha!" "Ãxactement!" "Yeah!" "Great stuff." "I'd rather you two didn't bond over a mutual mockery of me, though." "I've got a Gallic drinking game we can play." "Oh, yeah." "Let's do that." " OK." "What are the rules?" " We drink as much wine as we can." " Sounds good." " Yeah, not really rules, are they?" "Time for more wine." "Oh, no." "I'm absolutely hammered." "I think we should just go to bed." "OK." "Maybe we should." "What was that?" " Maybe it's a French thing." " It is a French thing." "It's called a menage-a-trois, AKA three-way," " AKA the only French words I know." " OK." "Yeah." "Shit." "Well, we're obviously not doing that." "Sure." "Devil's advocate for a sec." "I think we should." " What?" "No." "Why would I want that?" " Well, think about it." "It'll be you, the woman you love and your best friend." " What could be better?" " You not being there." "Clearly." "You just wanna have sex." " You may as well have a go on some liver." " Wha..." " Have we got any liver?" " Nah." "We've got mince." "Nah, that's not..." "Oh, come on, man." "We'll be laughing about it in years to come." " You think?" " Yeah." "What if me and Delphine get married?" "Will we be laughing about it then?" "At my wedding." "Where you're the best man." "There won't even be a wedding if she thinks you're a saddo who loves maths and hates three-ways." "I mean..." "Oh, quick." "She's coming back." " OK." "Don't look me in the eye." " I won't." " Or in the privates." " Yep." "Or make any unnecessary skin contact." "You won't even know I'm there." "Well, no-one can say you haven't bonded." "Oh, what have we done?" "Oh, Jove!" "Oh, we have to tidy up at once." "I wouldn't bother." "It's only gonna get dirty again, innit?" "Well, yes, I suppose that is true." "What do you recommend, then?" "Go out for a fry-up, some fresh air and have a bottle of plonk to take the edge off," " we're sound as a pound." " Yes!" "Outside." "I've not been there for three years." "Why has no-one come to tie my toga?" "Right." "Yes." "Off we go, then." "Follow me." "Ohh, ohhh!" "Stylax banged your missus?" "You saw each other's stiffies, you dirty pervs!" "We made a pact not to look, actually." "And Stylax's stiffy was fairly well hidden inside my girlfriend." " While I was reduced to boob duty." " Well, no, it was a team effort." " You were making her moan, man." " When was that?" " When I accidently knelt on her hair?" " Ha." "OK, well, I am happy to go on boob duty tonight, if you want?" "Er, it's not happening again." "It was a one-off, drunken mistake." " We're some kind of throuple!" " All right, fine." "But if at any point you need me, just whistle." "I'll be there in 5 seconds." " What, like a sort of sex dog?" " A bit like a sex dog." "I don't want to live with a sex dog!" "I wish the sex dog had never been let of its leash!" "Oh, Stylax, man, you have spunked on your own doorstep, dude." "You should totally come and stay at mine." "Hell, no!" "Well, hear him out." "It's not a bad idea." " He's having a pool party." " I am." "With cocktails." " And onion rings." " And ladies." "And ladies." "You like ladies." "I say "pool", you say "party"." "Pool!" "Are you waiting for me to say "party"?" "Pool party!" "Yes." "That counts." "Pool party!" "Well, I loved it." "I'm always up for a threesome." "Would've preferred a good threesome, "two girls, one guy" version but..." "Yeah, sadly, Stylax couldn't cope and had to move out." " It's so weird." " Yeah, well, you say that." "He can be very closed-minded, sexually." "Really?" "He's had sex with liver." "Yeah, that's the problem." "He prefers liver." "He's a real liver lover." "He can't relate to people." "He was relating pretty well last night." "So what should we do with his room, then?" "Walk-in wardrobe?" "Panic room?" "Bondage den?" "Is that Grumio?" "Oh, yeah." "Huh." "He's grown." "Oi, Grumio!" "Over here." "Cato, nine o'clock." "Sorry, no, two o'clock." "Or five o'clock maybe." "Over here, basically." "All right, Marcus?" "Yeah, thanks." "Made some new friends, have you?" "Oh, yeah, they're a right laugh this lot." "Can I just say, I fucking love this guy." "Love you, too, Terrence." "Come on, gang, let's go and get some crepes." "Oh, yes!" "Crepes!" "What are crepes?" "Yep, so that's the crib." "If my parents had a place like this I'd still be living at home." "Right." "You see?" "It's not tragic." "It's not." "So I was thinking, male changing in the kitchen." " Uh-huh." " Female changing out here," " where we can see them." " Yes." "Make sure they don't steal anything." "Some of the girls from the office are nasty." "So this is the foot-wash thing we use before the main pool," " which is... where?" " No." "No, this is the pool." " This is the pool?" " Yeah." "We can't party in this!" "It's 'one in, one out'." "I was planning on heavy petting and breast stroke puns." " This is way too small!" " No, the smaller the pool the better." "Then the girls can't escape." "We'll be big fish in a small pond." " Er, what's that now?" " Oh, it's my ducky float." "I'm not allowed in the pool without him." "And you're expecting to pull with that on, are you?" "Er, just a bit, yeah." "Chicks dig the duck, dude." "I'm gonna get the hunnies poolside and just... get quacking." "Quack-quack!" "Yeah." "Aagh, gone a bit too far." "Just wind it back a bit." "Not looking, not looking." "Right." "Here we go, chapter five." " At last." " Mm." ""Meanwhile, Aeneas and his fleet..."" " Huh." " Hey, you're here!" "Thanks so much for this, guys." "No problem." "What for?" "I said Maya could stay while there's this heat-wave." "The squat's really unhygienic at the moment." " You were right, Marcus." " Was I?" "It's probably fine." "I'm sure I was overreacting." "We don't need a walk-in wardrobe or panic room, so..." "Yeah." "I guess this way every room's a panic room." "I mean, how the bloody hell do you cook eggs?" "How do you make them flat?" "Just nibble at whatever's in the pantry." "I would." " That's what we did." " Well, I need a proper meal." "Alba, how's my chicken coming on?" "Oh, think he's fine." "What's he doing?" "Get in that oven at once!" "Why is no-one doing what I say?" "I'm the bloody master of this house!" "And I demand that you dirty shirkers get up and get back to work now!" "Four against one, though, innit?" "Five if you count the chicken." "You're gonna pay for what you've done here, Grumio." "I'm gonna have your balls in a bloody bun!" "I don't understand." "I put the address and a map on the invite." "And at least ten girls from the office said to put it down as a maybe." "What?" "!" " "Maybe" means no!" " What?" "No, "maybe" means maybe." "They might just be fashionably late." "Or they might be fashionably not coming." "Because you're a massive loser who still lives with his parents, has got shit hair and can't even swim in a big bathtub without a twatish duck!" "I can swim!" "Aurelius?" "Oh, shit!" "Hey!" "Aurelius!" " That's the end of the wine." " Cool." "Well, do let me know if there's anything else you want." " One of my kidneys maybe." " Can you get me some olive oil?" " I said I'd give Delph a massage." " Mm, yeah, that'd be amazing." "Er, yeah, but what do I do?" "While you're doing this." "Whatever." "Go to bed if you want." "Well, nah." "I don't wanna just leave you on your own, just a sort of de facto... host." "Or maybe..." "Oh." "OK." "That's..." "Erm..." "Isn't this what you call a "good" threesome?" "Whoo!" "I know we're only throwing eggs at a bin but... for the first time in my life I feel like I'm actually free." "Hear, hear." "And it's all thanks to Grumio." "Your free-thinking and downright daring approach to servitude has empowered all of us to follow our hearts." "And workwise, it is a lot easier." "I understand that one of the slaves in this house has led a rebellion against the master." "Which one of you lot is Grumio?" "I am Grumio." "I am Grumio." "I am Grumio." "I am Groovio." "Am I saying that right?" "Yeah, I'll leave you to it." "Yeah!" "Now, just let this be a lesson to you all." "Oh, bloody hell, they've crucified the wrong one!" " I mean, come on..." " I'm sorry, sir." "Just..." "The rest of you, just get back to work before you bloody join him!" "Not you!" "You... follow me." "Best of luck, then." "Best of luck?" "What the..." "I take back everything I said earlier, Grumio." "I wish I'd never listened to you." "You're a lazy idiot and this is all your fault!" "Should've let me have that carrot." "What..." "Urgh, the little beard!" " Aurelius?" " Er, Mummy, Daddy." "It's not what it looks like." "He made me take my ducky off." "Oh, what are you doing?" "That's our thing we do together." "Yeah." "Likewise." "I'll get that, shall I?" "Thought so." "And can you get us some water?" "Oh." "Take him back, please?" "This man is the worst slave in the world." "No such thing as a bad slave." "Just a bad master." "To be honest, I'm impressed you lasted 48 hours." "Dunno what his problem was." "I did some dead good slavin' at his gaff." "Let's see it in action, then." "Take this into the bedroom for me, would you?" "Easy-peasy." "Oh!" "Bloody hell!"