"Uh, ladies and gentlemen, won't you please, uh, give a warm welcome to the comedy stylings... of, uh, Mr. Marty Malt." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Marty Malt." "I'm reminded tonight... of something that happened to me the other day." "I went to the post office to get some stamps, and I waited my usual three hours in line." "And just as I was getting to the window, an announcement was made that if anyone just needed stamps, to move into a different line." "So I moved into the different line, and this giant boot came down from the ceiling... and stamped me on the head." "Ooh!" "Do I have a headache." "I decided to buy a pet, so I went to the pet store and asked the guy there... what would make the best pet." "And he suggested a turtle." "So I bought a turtle and got a nice little bowl..." "for him to live in... with some plants and a bridge for him to walk on." "But he would never come out of his shell." "I waited and waited, but he never came out." "And then I realized that the pet shop owner... had taken me for a ride." "It wasn't a turtle at all." "It was a rock." "So now I use it as my doorstop." "Even you didn't laugh." "I was laughin' on the inside!" "I was roaring'!" "Oh, God!" "See, I didn't want to laugh out loud 'cause I was eyein' this chick across the room, and I didn't want to come off uncool." "But, no, I was laughin' inside." "Oh, yeah!" "You were funny." "Trust me." "I know comedy, and you were funny, hilarious." "I don't usually use that word unless I really mean it." "But, yeah, I'm gonna use it again." "Hilarious!" "You were hilarious, man!" "You think so?" "Hilarious?" "Oh, yeah, definitely." "You were sensational." "Well, 'cause Syd said that I can do it regular... on Tuesday and Thursday nights for 10 bucks." "You see?" "They loved ya." "They know talent." "Most of them are probably laughing' on the inside, too, unless they were too stupid to get the jokes!" "So 10 bucks a week, huh?" "Ten bucks a night." "Twenty bucks a week." "Twenty bucks a week just for standing up and telling dumb jokes?" "Hey, that's great, man!" "You're gonna do it, right?" "I guess so." "You guess so?" "Go grab it, baby!" "You have a talent." "It's your calling." "And maybe once in a while, you'll let me play a little musical accompaniment." "Maybe." "Hey, that's great!" "You are gonna be famous." "You are gonna be so big!" "Big!" "Let's see you go big!" " How'd it go?" " He was great!" "Great, huh?" "Fantastic." "He was so funny, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack." "He had the joint eating out of his hand." "I almost split a gut!" "What did you say?" "Come on." "Give me a sample." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Come on." "Come on." "Tell 'em the one..." "about the movie star and the podiatrist." "Oh, this one really bowled them over!" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "This movie star goes to see this podiatrist, right?" "Right!" "Okay." "He limps into the office, and the podiatrist says, "Oh, my God!"" " What's a podiatrist?" " Who the hell knows?" "Um" "Well, he-- he limps into the podiatrist office." "Hang on, Marty." "Hey, Rosarita." "What's the special?" " Um, ham and beans au gratin with peas." " Is that the man-made ham?" "Nothing but the best." "So, Marty, when's the next show?" "Thursday." "You are lookin' at the next big deal in professional comedy!" "Well, I-I always told him that if he gave it a try, they'd love him." "I've been working on some new material." "I think it's gonna be some pretty funny stuff." "People relate to jokes about things they know, you know?" "A guy goes into a barbershop, he asks for a haircut." "Barber says, "Sure." "Have a seat."" "The guy sits down." "He takes off his toupee." "The barber says, "Wait a second." "You wanted a haircut." "You're completely bald."" "And the man goes, "Why, you're right." "In that case, cut my ears off."" "Marty?" "Do you have any milk?" "Whoa!" "Hey, Marty!" "Oh, God." " You got a bite, man." " A what?" "Uh, on your back." "A bug bite or something." "Oh, well." "Okay!" "Let's go!" "Land ho!" "Here I go" "Whoa!" "A-ho Whoo!" "Hey, Gus!" "Yeah, Marty." "Can you come over here for a sec?" "Uh" "Here, help me get this out." "What is it?" "It's an authentic Oriental rug." "Wow!" "How do you know it's authentic?" "Look at the craftsmanship." "Yeah." "Hey, Gus?" "Yeah, Marty?" "I thought you were gonna come by and listen to my act." "I will, I promise, later." "We'll only be at Nicolette's for a minute." "Well, I have a whole bunch of new material." "I think you're gonna like it." "I have no doubt about that, sonny boy." "If last night's performance is any indication of what's to come," "I will laugh so hard, my stomach will burst open and spray bile all over the stage!" "Well, I hope so." "Who is it?" "It's Gussy pussy," "Nicky picky." "God, what a woman." "Gussy." "Oh, baby!" "Hi, Nicolette." "So what'd you bring me, big boy?" "I brought you something very special, and it didn't cost me a dime!" "What is it?" "Give it to me." "Close your eyes." "Okay." "They're closed." "Can I open my eyes?" "Sure." "Give me!" "Give me." "They're mine!" "Give me!" "Give me!" "Give me!" "Oh, baby." "Hey, man." "Why don't you run along?" "We'll work on the act a little bit later." "Marty has an act?" "Oh, yeah, baby." "Marty's gonna be a big, famous... comedian." "Yeah." "That's-- That's great." "Yeah." "Well, but" " I" "You got anything to eat?" "I'm starving." "What took you so long?" "Huh?" "What time is it?" "Well, it's 3:00." "Geez, I'd better get home." "You know, we gotta go to work in a couple of hours." "Just sleep here." "What, in this dump?" "Never mind." "Hey, do you mind if I eat this chicken?" "It's been there for quite a while." "That's okay." "I don't care." "So, what have you been doing?" "Just polishing up that new material." "Oh, yeah, right." "I wanna hear that." "You should've told me earlier." "I'd have come by." "I would've." "Okay, let's hear it." "This is gonna be great!" "I know it." "Okay, okay." "Let's see." "There was this guy-- Hold on a second!" "We gotta do this thing up right." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Syd's nightclub is proud to welcome... once again... the comedy stylings of Mr. Marty Malt!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Marty Malt." "" " Yeah." "Well, I was" " I was trying to grab a cab the other day." "It was rainy and cold." "I forgot my raincoat and my umbrella." "So I'm standing at the cabstand with three other guys and me." "A Jew, a priest, and a black, and me." "So this cab comes up-- One cab to the cabstand." "And the cabdriver was Chinese." "Okay?" "Well." "We were all standing there in the pouring rain... when this little old lady gets in the other side, and off they go." "Which just goes to prove... nobody can get a cab in this town." "This little old lady jumped into the cab from the other side, and off they went." "Which just goes to prove... nobody can get a cab in this town." "So, you were laughing inside again, right?" "Well, I didn't exactly see the whole show." "Me and the hatcheck girl were getting friendly, if you know what I mean." "Well, which part of-of the show did you see?" "That's not important." "Just listen." "I've got some great news." " How was the underpants joke?" " Will you shut up and listen?" "You're gonna love this!" "What?" " Me and Phyllis" " Who's Phyllis?" " The hatcheck girl." " Oh." "Me and Phyllis went across the street for some cocktails." " During my act?" " Will you shut up?" "We were in the lounge, and there was this awful comedian onstage, and this fancy Dapper Dan sitting at the bar next to us, squawking' about how bad the comic was." "So I said, "You wanna see comedy, mister?" ""Catch Marty Malt across the street at Syd's." "He's a comic genius," I said." "So, he hands me this card, and what do you think it says?" "Go ahead." "Read it." ""Jackie Chrome, Talent Agent."" "So?" "So?" "So, he's coming here to see your act Tuesday night!" "Man, don't you see?" "This is the start of everything." "Do you know what a talent agent can do for you?" "He'll just make you the biggest, the richest son of a gun this country's ever seen!" " Tuesday?" " This Tuesday!" "Should I write new material?" "Should I stick with the old standbys?" "What if he hates me?" "What if he doesn't hate me?" "Maybe I should get some new clothes." "This is the lucky suit." "Geez, look at my clothes." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mart." "What?" "What?" "Hey, this lump's getting bigger, man." "Does that hurt?" "Yes." "You better see a doctor before Tuesday." "The last thing we need is for you to get spine cancer... before our big break." " Morty Malt?" " Marty." "Oh." "The doctor will see you now." "Excuse me." "Kitty." "Back to work." "Aah!" "Ooh." " So, Mr. Fault." " Malt." "What?" "Malt." "Yeah." "Malt." "What, uh-- What seems to be your problem?" "Well, I've got this odd lump in the middle of my back." "I'm, uh, somewhat concerned about it." "Oh." "Oh, you're concerned, an odd little lump?" "Well, at first I thought it was just a bite, but it hasn't gone away." "It just keeps getting bigger and bigger." "Shut up." "Shut up!" "Here's where your problem is." "What is it?" "Will you wait!" "I'm a professional." "Would you like me to jump on a misconclusion?" "Diagnose you and send you off in a coma?" "You'd like that, maybe?" "No, no, I thought not." "Just wait." "I gotta get my nurse." "Kitty, get-- Yes, Dr. Scurvy?" "Here." "What do you make of this?" "Um" "Ooh." "It's an odd little lump." "It's pretty big though, huh?" " Uh, do I need to worry about it?" " Now, look, kid." "I see this kind of thing every day." "You just leave it alone, and it'll fade away." "Of course, uh, we-we could always cut it off." "Uh" " Uh" " E" "If it's going to go away... anyway," "I'd rather not pay the money." "Do anything you want, you little weasel." "I don't care." "I don't care." "All right." "Here." "This'll fix ya." "Right." "That oughta do you." "What does this say?" "Two." "All right. $250." "I-- I don't have $250." "Oh." "Um, well." "There are other ways of paying, besides money." "You know, when I see a great act like this, it makes me all hungry for Blump's cheddar-scented cheese!" "You can put this on a Welsh rarebit." "You can put it on a-- a Chinese rarebit." "You can put it onanykind of rarebit there is." "Oh." "It smells so good!" "And now it's Mr. Smuntz and His Dancing Bible." "Well, Martin." "Do you realize it's been a week?" "I'm sorry, Mother." "How long do you expect me to live on two bags of groceries?" "How are you feeling?" "It's obvious you don't care." "I'm on my deathbed here." "Well," "I'm sorry that I'm a day late with the groceries," "but I got another job." "I knew you couldn't hold on to a job." "No, I got a second job." "Yeah?" "Doing what?" "Doing stand-up comedy." "Oh, what a joke." "Comedy's big business." "And Gus got this agent... to come and see me on Tuesday." "You're not funny, Martin." "Listen, Marty." "After you get done with that, I want you to clip my toenails." "They're getting jagged again." "This big agent will probably get him his own TV show." "That's exciting." "And he's gonna take me along." "Me too." "When Marty gets rich, we all get rich!" "Hi, everybody." "Speak of the devil." "Hi, Marty." "Gus, we don't want to be late." "Well, okay, pal o' mine!" "Let's go!" "So you're sure that he's really coming tonight?" "As sure as my name is Gus!" "How do I look?" "Couldn't look any funnier." "Cigars." "Cigarettes." "Cigars." "Cigarettes." "Cigars." "Cigarettes." "Cigars." "So, he says," ""I'd like the doughnut soup, please."" "Then the guy behind the counter, he says, "Would you"""" "Marty!" "Marty!" "He just walked in." "He's here, man!" "This is it!" "That is theJackie Chrome!" "I can't do it." "Oh, Jesus." "I can't go on." "Pull yourself together, man." "Just picture him out there naked." "And now, ladies and gentlemen" "I'll see you after the show!" "Syd's nightclub welcomes the comedy stylings... of Mr. Marty Malt." "Hey." "Good to see you." "This is gonna be great!" "Seeing all of you out there tonight... reminds me of my eye doctor." "He told me I needed new glasses." "I told him I already had four pair." "He said I needed more." "So I got four more pair of glasses... just to be on the safe side." "So now, 16 people can drink in my house." "My friends said that I needed a hobby... to fill up my idle time." "And..." "I thought it was a good idea." "I tried stamp collecting, building the little ships in a bottle." "None of it seemed right." "But I finally found the hobby that suits me." "I'm reconstructing tomatoes... from ketchup." "Mr. Chrome!" "Mr. Chrome!" "Mr. Chrome" "Sir" "Mr. Chrome, show's not over yet!" "Oh, it-- it is for me, pal." "Your friend stinks." "Marty Malt has to be theworst stand-up comic..." "I have ever had the misfortune to see." "What are you being so picky for?" "You walked out before his best stuff." "He was getting warmed up." "Come on." "What do you think I am?" "Stupid?" "Do I look stupid to you?" "Talent is my business." "Your friend has none." "Now, if you'd like some free advice, shoot him and put him out of his misery." "So what are you saying?" "Does this mean no contract?" "On the nose, buster." "On the nose." "Wait a minute, pal!" "How 'bout a nice, class musical act?" "Drop dead." "Ah, you're a bum anyway!" "He said he liked your material, loved your delivery, but wants you to polish it up ever so slightly." "Ah, you don't want an agent like him anyway." "Did you see how stiff his hair was?" "Look, he's just probably not used to such intellectual wit." "You know agents these days." "They handle all kinds of dumb acts." "I would take it as a good sign, if I were you." "I don't know." " You think so?" " Definitely!" "And I got an idea about how you can polish up your act." "Musical accompaniment!" "Yeah, you know, you tell a few jokes, I play a few notes." "You tell a few more jokes, I play a few more notes." "Then, during your bow, I play a little song." "It'll be real original." "Yeah." "Yeah!" "That might not be a bad idea." "Yeah." "Let's do it!" "You see, that's what I've been trying to tell you all alo" "Turn around, Marty." " What?" " Just do it." "Great Caesar's ghost!" " What?" "What happened?" " Marty!" "Look!" "Look at your lump!" "Oh, my God!" "Wait!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "That's weird, man." "That's weird!" "God help me!" "God help me!" "God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Calm down a minute, will ya?" "Do something, Gus!" "Do something, Gus!" "Calm down!" "Calm down!" "Just calm down." "Now, let me take a look at it." "Oh, man." "Oh, man." "Oh, no." "Oh." " Can you feel this?" " Yes!" "Uh" "Gus!" "Oh, my God, Gus!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Gus!" "What is it, Gus?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Whoa!" "I don't know why you keep running in here all the time." "I see this type of thing every day." "I told you if you left it alone, it would probably go away." "But, no, you probably picked it, right?" "I am sick and tired of you little mama boys coming in here... every time you have an abrasion or a hand growing out of the back or whatever." "I am a busy man, and I can't spend my time babying you wimps." "Medicine is reserved... for those with real problems, life and death kind of stuff, not these little frivolities you guys come in here with!" "Well, I-- I never heard of this." "Yeah!" "That's why you're not the doctor." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "That's gross!" "That is so gross!" "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" "You promised you wouldn't scream." "You didn't tell me it was a hand!" "I thought it would be a carbuncle or a boil, but a hand?" "I mean, Jesus!" "I thought you'd understand." "It's disgusting!" "It's gross!" "I'll" " I'll always keep my shirt on." "It won't matter!" "People don't grow hands out of their back!" "What's wrong with you?" "Well, I" " I didn't grow one on purpose." "Oh, geez!" "I gotta get out of here." "Wait a minute." "Look, Marty, it's all over between the two of us!" "I can't love a man with three hands." "I'm sorry." "It's all over, Marty!" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, my Gussy here eats garbage." "He does?" "You do?" "Real garbage?" "Yup." "I'll eat anything." "I'll even eat bugs!" " Well, I don't eat bugs." " That's about the only thing you don't eat." "Well, I have horseradish on my pancakes." "Did any of you ever eat dog food... stir-fried in castor oil," "topped with minced clams... in a sugary cream sauce... with pimento and chives?" "No one eats that!" "Oh, yeah?" "Show 'em what I had for breakfast this morning!" "Whoo!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Baby!" "Ooh." "That stinks." "Oh, mwah!" "My compliments to the chef!" "Wait a second!" "You guys wanna see something really neat?" "Uh-huh." "Well, come on!" "Marty!" "Party!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Whoa!" "Wake up, Marty!" "Come on." "Open up." "Marty!" "Whoo!" "Marty, old buddy!" "Ol' pal o' mine!" "We didn't wake you, did we, Marty?" "Nah, we didn't wake you, did we, Marty?" "See?" "He's still all dressed." "No, I" " I" "I told you he'd be up, didn't I?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "My Marty here, he's like an owl." "Make yourselves at home." "Girls, I bet you never met a star before, huh?" "Mmm." "You are standing in front... of the one and only..." "Marty Malt!" "Ooh!" "Marty Malt, this is Pickles." "And this-- whoa-- is Shirley!" "I'm Pickles." "That's Shirley." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Pickles, Shirley." "Shirley, Pickles." "Shekels, shackles, tickle, tackle!" "Who cares!" "Gus, I don't mean to be a party pooper, but it's really late." "Enough with the small talk." "Ladies, will you excuse us for a moment?" "Look, Mart, I promised the girls a little something." "You don't mind helping out, do you?" "Tell some jokes?" "I promised them you'd show 'em somethin'." "Oh, no." "Oh, yeah." "Come on." "Show it to 'em." "No way, Gus." "Uh-uh." "If you do, you can have your pick of either Shirley or Pickles." "Both drunk and ready to be taken advantage of." "Ooh." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "No way." "Come on, Marty." "No way." "Marty." "No." "Oh, I see how it is." "You ask a favor of a friend, and what do you get?" "A kick in the pants." "And you call yourself a friend?" "Well, am I-- am I asking so much?" "Am I asking you to kill your mother, or poke out your own eyes?" "I don't think so." "I'm disappointed in you, Marty." "Who got you the job at the club?" "You." "Who, uh, got Jackie Chrome to come see your act?" "He's a big man, you know." "You." "Who's been pulling your butt out of trouble since we were yea high?" "You." "Well, I think the record speaks for itself." "I think if the shoe was on the other foot, you know what I'd do." "Yeah." "But it's up to you, Marty." "If you don't want to do me this one small favor... after all I've done for you," "then just forget it." "Okay." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Okay." "All right!" "Well, come on over and show the girls!" "Ladies, what you are about to see... is the eighth wonder of the world." "May I humbly present... the backside of Marty Malt!" "Whoa!" "Well, pickle my tongue!" "You rascal, you didn't even tell me!" "Tell you what?" "Look." " Oh, God." " Kind of weird, you know?" "I don't know." "I think it's kind of funny looking." "Okay, girls." "Show's over." "Marty." "Marty." "Hey, Marty." "When did it get that big, man?" "It wasn't that big earlier." "You're a weirdo, man." "You're a nutcase." "Hey, Marty." "Mind if we use your bed for a minute?" "Know what I mean, huh?" "Huh?" "I don't know." "Aw, come on, Marty." "I can't wait." "Gus!" "Marty!" "I guess so." "That's my boy!" "You sure you don't want to join us?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I-I-I-I'm sure." "I'll just wait right here in the kitchen." "Oh!" "Whoopee!" "I love it!" "Here comes Daddy, you three little vixens!" "Let's get naked!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Ah, Marty!" "Marty, come on, man!" "Whoo!" "Oh, Marty." "This is great!" "Ah, man!" "Oh, God!" "Marty!" "Marty!" "Get away from me!" "Please, Ma!" " Why won't you look at it?" " I can't stand to look at that thing one more time!" "How can such a thing happen?" "How can you do this to me?" "Do you think I grew this on purpose?" "How do I know why you did it?" "You think I could figure out what goes on in your head?" "You're just like your father." "I give you my life, and what do you do?" "You treat me like dirt." "You think you bring up a kid right, and what does he do?" "He pulls a stunt like this!" "What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?" "You know I can't take this sort of thing!" "Do you care?" "No!" "What do you care?" "I'm running a nightclub here, not a circus sideshow." "But, Syd, no one's gonna see it." "I'm gonna see it!" "Now get the hell out of here." "I don't want no freaks performing in my club." " But, Syd" " It's not just the arm." "I've been looking to fire you for a long time now." "Your jokes stink." "I got me a new comic." "Here." "This here's Rufus Bing." "He knows comedy." "Show him your stuff, Rufus." "Okay." "So, I go into this coffee shop, and there's three other guys in there and me." "There's an Italian guy, there's a Swedish guy, there's a Jamaican guy and me." "And there's one cup of coffee left." "Suddenly this Mazatlántian waitress comes up and drinks it herself." "Which just goes to prove... nobody can get a cup of coffee in this town!" "Look at him!" "Yeah-- Now, that's comedy!" " But, Syd" " That's it!" "I've had it with you." "Take your third arm, your lousy jokes and beat it, you freak!" "You're starting to make me sick." "I'll give you 20 bucks a day, uh, Tuesdays and Thursdays." "Uh, just keep those original jokes coming." "Nobody can get a cup of coffee here!" "Oh, that's rich." "That's rich!" "Who is it?" "It's Gus." "Come on in." "Hey, Marty!" "Look who I brought to see you." " Hi." " Dr. Scurvy." "Hmm." "What's that growing out of your back?" "An arm?" "Hey, Marty, I was down at the dump, looking around for stuff, and who do you suppose I run into?" "Good old Dr. Scurvy here." "So, we get to talking and decided to come and see ya." "Yeah, we-we came to see you and, uh, we came to help you." "Help me?" "What do you mean?" "What do I mean?" "You seem to have forgotten." "I'm a doctor." "I fix things." "Yeah." "Yeah!" "Gus, he hated me." "I can't go in." "Would you shut up about that?" "He didn't hate you." "Besides, you got a gimmick now." "It's a crazy idea." "Let's go home." "No way!" "Come on!" "We're here." "What's the matter with you?" "Don't you ever want to succeed, huh?" "It'll never work." "Here we are." "Jackie Chrome, talent agent." "This is a mistake." "Marty!" "Marty." "Marty!" "On the other side of this door sits the golden key... of opportunity." "Go ahead." "Knock." "You knock." "Come in." "Come in." "I'll be with you in just a minute." "Beautiful!" "Bravo, kids." "That was wonderful." "Wonderful." "Why don't you, uh, give me a call in about a week?" " I just might have something for you." " How exciting." "In the meantime, keep up the good work." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Cheerio." "Cheerio." "Very nice to meet you." "Weren't they a bunch of honeys?" "Mark my word, you'll be hearing big things about Marjorie Zipp... and Her Human Xylophone." "Uh-- Do I know you guys?" "As a matter of fact, you do, Mr. Chrome." "The name here is Gus, and I'm sure you remember Marty Malt." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, not a chance." "I thought I told you guys to drop dead." " Calm down there, Mr. Chrome." " You just take your little friend and get out." "Before you jump to any conclusions, let me explain." "You got no explaining to me, pal." "I told you before, this guy stinks." "I got no place in my agency for the likes of him." "Let's go, Gus." "Sit down." "Mr. Chrome, I don't think you quite understand." "I understand perfectly." "Something wonderful has happened." "What?" "Somebody laughed at one of his jokes, so now you think he's star material?" "Get up, Marty." "Come here." "Come here." "Come on." "Come on." "Get over here." "Here stands Marty Malt, a stand-up comedian extraordinaire, but with a difference." "I've just about had it." "Take your coat off, Marty." "No, do me a favor and leave your coat on and get the hell out." " I've heard enough." "" "Turn around, Marty." "Presenting Marty Malt, the comic with a little something extra." "I said get the hell out!" "Oh, what have we here, the old" "The old "fake arm out of the back" routine?" "Let me tell you something, schmuck." "I've seen 'em all." "I've seen 'em with" "I've seen" "It's real?" "This is real?" "It's" " It's real." "It's real!" "It's real!" "Marty Malt." "Marty Malt." "We gotta do something about the name, fellas." "Martin" " Marty Malt." "It just doesn't grab me." "You're right." "Marty Malt, that name stinks." "You see, Marty, in showbiz, everything's in the name." "The name's more important than talent even." "You gotta have a name that grabs people." "You gotta have a name that draws 'em in." "How 'bout Gus?" "That's" " That's wonderful." "That's really wonderful." "Gus, the Three-Armed Comic, and His Musical Accompanist, Gus." "You guys don't know a thing about show business." "You gotta have a name that's snazzy." "A name with pizzazz, you know." "How about Peppy Rodriguez?" "No." "No." "The Amazing Maltzie." "What are you, stupid?" "No M's." "Nothing that sounds like Malt." "You don't want anything that sounds like your real name." "Beside, we gotta push the third arm." "That's the important thing." "Willy the Wonder Comic." "I like "Wonder."" "I like "Wonder."" "Willy... the Three-Armed Wonder." " Comic." " Huh?" "Willy, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic." "I got it." "Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic." "Desi?" "Perfect." "Wh-Where did Desi come from?" "Genius, my boy, genius." "Welcome to showbiz, Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic." "Fellas, I got you booked Thursday night at Club Gay Paree." "Ooh-la-la." "Friday night at Sam's Hoedown Ranch." "And then I got a gig for you at Sloppy's on Saturday and Sunday." "Sloppy's?" "You hear that, Mart?" "We're gonna be performing at Sloppy's." "Let me tell you guys, come this time next week, we're gonna be blowing our noses in money." "Sam's Hoedown." "I ate a dog there once." "I've always felt that the fingernails and toenails... are the most underrated part of the human anatomy." "The sensual implications are, of course, self-evident." "However, left in a natural state, their crudity, their vulgarity is almost unbearable." "For me, anyway." "How does it feel in the shoulder?" "Too tight?" "No." "M-Move your arms around." "See how it feels." "It's good?" "Wonderful." "Wonderful." "You look pretty sharp, man." "Nothing's too good for our boy Marty here, huh, guys?" "That's right." "A wonderful job, Raoul." "Wonderful." "Thank you, sir." "I'm rather proud of it myself." "Pay the guy, Marty." "Marty, we're gonna be famous." "Only I already had four pair." "But he said I needed new ones, so I got four more pair, just to be on the safe side." "So now 16 people can drink in my house." "I was on a farm recently." "Farms are such funny places." "Somewhere something's missing." "It wasn't me." "I think his timing was off." "Well, maybe the jokes aren't strong enough." "Maybe if he did it without his shirt on." "What?" "Half naked?" "Let's both do it totally naked." "What are you, stupid?" "You want me to lose my license?" "I mean, what we need here is a gimmick." "I thought my arm was the gimmick." "It is, but we need more of a gimmick." "It was probably just a tough crowd." "Could be, but we really need a little spark." "How about this?" "I think I got it." "Right now I sit on Marty's left side." "What if I were to, unexpectedly, after the first two jokes, move my chair to Marty's right side?" "Then back again after two more jokes." "And then you do that, like every-- every couple of jokes?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I like that." "I mean it would give the act... just enough action to be entertaining, and yet, not so much it would cover up Marty." "Yeah, I like that." "That's real good." "That's real good." "I hope all that motion doesn't confuse me." "I'd hate for my timing to be thrown off." "Timing, "schmiming." There's more important things to comedy than timing." "Gus is right, Marty." "I mean, I believe this is the answer." "Come on, Marty." "Don't look so down, man." "The act's gonna work." "It's not that." "Well, what?" "Well, I" "I've been thinking about Rosarita." " What's a Rosarita?" " Just some old girlfriend." "She dumped him when he grew his hand." "Well, then who needs her?" "That's what I've been telling him." "But our Marty here, he's a sap." "Are you a sap, Marty?" "Are you a little chump, Marty?" "Go talk to her, Marty." "No." "No way." "She hates me." "She doesn't hate you." "She just thinks you're some kind of weirdy or something." " You know her, don't you, Gus?" " Yeah." "Well, you go talk to her for him." "No." "No." "Don't anybody talk to her." "Don't you worry about it, Marty." "I'll just go have a little talk with her." "Just talk." "She'll be begging to come back to you, once she hears you're on the verge of stardom." "Hey, I'm doing this strictly as a favor to you, Marty." "I mean, what are friends for?" " " "Wow, was that wacky!" "Here comes Lou Moskowitz... and His Singing Bunion!" "Are you hungry, Gus?" "Oh, yeah, I'm hungry, all right." "What would you like to eat?" "I think what I want isn't exactly on the menu." " So, how's the world of garbage?" " Oh, didn't you hear?" "Me and Marty ain't garbagemen no more." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "We're full-time showbiz people now." "That's great." "How's Marty?" "Oh, you know Marty." "Still the same old dork." "No respect for anybody." "I mean, look how he treated you." "Growing an arm out of his back." "Is that any way to treat a girl?" "An arm?" "Yeah." "He's bragging about how glad he is he dumped you." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Marty never did know how to treat a lady." "But I do." "Gus, customers aren't allowed behind the counter." "Oh, I've always considered myself more than just a customer." "Yeah?" "Come on." "You've always wanted me." "No." "Oh." "That doesn't particularly matter, because I've always wanted you." "What are you doing?" "Don't fight it." "What are you doing?" "Stop." "No." "Stop." "No." "Stop." "No." "Stop it." "No." "Gus, stop." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "No." "All of a sudden, the little old Chinese lady who worked there grabbed it and ate it." "" " Which just goes to prove... no one can get a cream puff..." "in this town." "So here's the deal." "Two nights a week." "That's all I'm asking." "What's a measly two nights a week?" "Jackie, I like you, but this act, it stinks." "It is the dumbest thing that I have ever seen." "And what's with the guy on the accordion?" "What the hell does he keep running all around for?" "What's the matter?" "You don't know anything about comedy?" "It's called pacing." "Fat slob." "That's it!" "That is it!" "Get the hell off of my stage!" "Right now, get 'em off!" "I've had it with you two." "Outta the house." "Out!" "Get the hell out of here." "Get the hell out of here." "Go!" "Go!" "Get the hell out of here." "I don't wanna ever see you again!" "You stupid-- Get the hell outta here!" "That's the dumbest act" "Now, you too!" "I've had it with you!" "Don't you ever come back!" "And don't you ever show me another act like that." "I hope you all drop dead!" "Oh, go eat your beans." "Whoa!" "What was that all about?" "We had that crowd eating out of our hands." "Well, he wanted you guys every night for a year." "I said, "No can do." "These guys gotta circulate."" "He got mad, calls Marty a slob." "The next thing I know we're in midair." "He called me a slob?" "Geez, Marty, you're always screwing things up." "Come on." "Rosarita." "I love you, Marty Malt." "Rosarita." "Rosarita." "Hey, Marty!" "Marty, wake up, will ya?" " Marty, wake up, man!" " Gus." "Wake up, will ya?" "We gotta get over to Jackie's." "Why?" "I don't know, but he said it was something big." "Something mighty big!" "Say, you didn't happen to talk to Rosarita lately, did you?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, I went in to talk to her about you." "Man, just forget about that chick." "What did she say?" "She said she hates guys with three arms." "Well, boys, I think our boat has come in." "What are you talking about?" "Let me put it to you this way." "You're gonna be on television." "What are you talking about, you little weasel?" "Does the name Twinkee Doodle mean anything to you guys?" "Twinkee Doodle's Amateur Spotlight?" "Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic and His Musical Accompaniment, Gus, will be filling the number-two spotlight on this Sunday's telecast." "Now don't get too excited." "I mean, it's just a local thing, but it's one hell of a start." "D-Don't you see what this means?" "This is it!" "This is the beginning of everything." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I've been waiting for this all my life!" "All my life!" "Gus." "Gus." "Gus, Gus." "Gus." "Gus." "Let's be realistic about this." "I mean, accordion players can come and go, but the comedy genius of Marty Malt and Desi... is a one in a million thing." "You're right." "Marty here is our baby boy." "Hey there, kids." "I know who you've been waiting for." "Me!" "Who's the guy with the talent show" "Twinkee!" "Twinkee!" "I'm all ready so come on let's go" "Doodle!" "Doodle!" "What can you do Let me see" "Play the harp or eat a bee" "Pull your tongue down to your toe" "Come and do it on the Twinkee Show" "Hi, everybody." "Welcome to the Twinkee Doodle Amateur Spotlight." "Boy, have we got a great show for you tonight." "We'll start with Apples Yonahan, the Man With a Thousand Faces." "Okay, great, good." "Thanks." "You guys are up next." "Oh, my God." "I can't do it." "Don't freeze up on me now." "You okay, Gus?" "Never felt better in my life, Mr. "C."" "Twinkee, baby." "Man, I can't thank you enough." "Yeah, yeah, great." "There's something I've been meaning to tell you guys." "This is TV." "It's not the stage." "So when you're doing your act, just stay in one spot." "None of this running around stuff." "Okay?" "That's what I've been trying to tell him, Twinkee." "You hear that, Gus?" "Stay in one spot." "You got it, boss." "I gotta run." "You guys are next." "That was great!" "I love it." "That was Apples." "Boy, did you see all those faces?" "Whew!" "But now we have a real treat for you guys." "Keep in mind, this isn't for the squeamish." "Give a nice warm Twinkee Doodle welcome... to Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic... and His Accompanist, Gus." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I heard this story the other day... about the tortoise having a race with a hare." "And I think that's pretty stupid." "Everyone knows a tortoise is a cold-blooded reptile... that moves about half a mile an hour." "Of course it will win." "A hair is just something you pull from someone's head." "I went into a butcher shop the other day." "And there were three other people in there and me-- a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, a Jewish rabbi and me." "And only one leg of lamb on the rack." "And all of a sudden, this Buddhist monk came out of the back room, disguised as a bush." "And he grabbed the leg of lamb off the rack... and proceeded to beat everyone up with it." "Then he hit himself in the face with the leg of lamb, knocking himself unconscious." "And it just goes to prove a leg of lamb is worth two in the bush." "Hmm." "I was on a farm recently." "There was this telephone in the chicken coop." "And I said to the farmer, "What is a telephone doing in the chicken coop?"" "And the farmer said, "Well, how the heck should I know?" "They're not my chickens."" "Weren't they great, kids?" "You guys sure are funny." "Sensational!" "Sensational!" "Boys, you hear me?" "It was sensational." "I couldn't have done it without my Marty here." "Hey, everybody, look who's coming now." "It's Denny Ginkle... and His Fantastic Gymnastics." "Whoo!" "Wonderful." "Wonderful." "Excuse me." "Are you the manager of Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic?" "Yes." "Jackie Chrome, talent agent, at your service." "Dirk Delta." "I'm the talent scout forthe Night-light Show, starring Sammy Dugan in Hollywood, California." "The Sammy Dugan?" "You got it, babe." "Wow!" "Well, uh, what can I do for you, sir?" "How about a cigar?" "We're looking for some, uh, unconventional entertainment." "There's just so much competition in late-night television these days, you know." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "You know?" "Does he know?" "Well, I just got this feeling about Desi." "He's gonna be a really big star." "You got a great eye, sir." "Desi's a great talent." "We'd like to book him on next week's show." "Call my assistant here." "He'll call you back, and we'll make the deal." "Keep in mind that a limo... will be waiting for you on Tuesday." "Do you hear that, Marty?" "We're going to Hollywood!" "Whoo!" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Babe, perhaps I didn't make myself clear." "Uh-huh." "I want Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic." "I have very little use for an accordion player." "" " Oh, no!" "Marty, Marty-- Uh, Desi, Desi." "No way." " I'm not going anywhere without Gus." " Yeah." "Would you-- Would you excuse us for just a moment?" "Excuse us." "Yeah." "You guys crazy?" "Do you realize this is The Sammy Dugan Show?" "I'm not going on without Gus." "Listen to me." "Listen to me." "Marty goes." "Gets a little notoriety, then we work the accordion back in." "That's the way you do things." "No, Jackie!" "I'm not going on without Gus." "It's either both of us or none of us." "Marty, don't do this." "Fellas, fellas, six of one, half dozen of the other." "I'll take 'em both." "I'll see you next Tuesday in Hollywood." "People wonder why they need agents." " " "This is the best." "This is the greatest." "Don't you see?" "We're gonna be stars." "Famous!" "The Sammy Dugan Show." "I've been watching that show ever since I was a kid." "Boys, I am so proud of you." "I mean, I knew the first time I laid eyes on you that you were going places." "And I said to myself, "You'd better get a piece of that action."" "You know, Marty, I've been thinking." "Jackie's fine for this local junk, but out there in Hollywood, they got all them big-time agents." "Once they see us onthe Sammy Dugan Show, they're gonna be knocking our door down." "We got a contract with Jackie." "Contract, "schmontract."" "What do you think, he's gonna fly all the way out to L.A. to sue us?" "Maybe." "After Tuesday, we never have to think about Jackie Chrome again." "Marty, opportunity only knocks once." "How come you never wanna succeed?" "I don't know." "You're right." "You're right." "You're always right, Gus." "We're going to Hollywood, and we're going to be big stars." "That's my boy." "That's my boy!" "Hollywood." "Quit screaming, will you, Gus?" "Where is it, Marty?" "Where is it?" "Where's what?" "Your arm!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, Jesus, Marty!" "Oh, no, you gone and done it now." "I can't believe it." "Where is it?" "It's gotta be here somewhere." "How could you do this to me?" "Well, don't-- don't blame me!" "It's not my fault." "Oh, well, whose fault is it?" "Mine?" "Huh?" "Well-- You've-- You've gone... and just ruined everything." "We were so close, and you" "Maybe we-- You wrecked it!" "Well, I-I never wanted a third arm in the first place." "Bite your tongue!" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I got an idea." "I don't think it's gonna work." "Just shut up and trust me." "There they are." "My two stars." "Come on in." " Morning, Jackie." " Hey." "Hey." "Well, I got the phone number right here." "Shall we make the call now?" "Or should we wait a minute?" "Why don't we make the call?" "A little nervous, are we?" "Well, I'm a little nervous too, fellas." "Nervous?" "Why should we be nervous?" "Do we look nervous?" "Are you nervous, Marty?" "I'm not nervous." "No, I'm not nervous." "See?" "He's not nervous." "Look, it happens to everybody." "I mean, you know, it's nothing to be ashamed of." "You're right." "Jackie, you're right, as always." "We're nervous, all right." "At least I know I'm nervous." "Are you nervous, Marty?" "Yes, I'm nervous." "You see?" "We're nervous." "Let's get this show on the road." "What's going on?" "Going on?" "We're going to Hollywood, that's what's going on." "Now make the call." "You guys are acting funny." "Well, um, Marty here's a comedian." "We're supposed to be funny." "All right, fellas, it's just my nerves speaking." "I mean, it's the biggest day of my life, but I'm calm." "We understand." "Don't we, Marty?" "Yes." "I think it would be best if you made that call." "Okay." "Okay." "All right." "Look, call me crazy, call me a sentimental old fool, but before I make this call, you gotta do me one favor." "In order to get in the mood, I-I gotta see Marty do a spin just once more." "No, nah, come on." "Just make the call, will ya?" "Aw, come on, Just one spin." "I mean, look at my hands, they're shaking." "Without a stage, it's just going through the motions." "That's all right." "Well, I need music." "Well, you got Gus's accordion right there." "Marty slammed my hand in the door on the way over here." "Oh, God." "Come on, just one quick spin." "I mean, we can't keep Dirk Delta waiting." "Please." "Get out of the way, Gus." "One more time, Marty, for me." "Come on, one more." "A real one." "Inspire me." "Okay." "Yeah." "A real spin." "A real spin." "Again." "Again." " Again." "Again." "" "One more time for the Gipper." "Come on." " " "Turn around, Marty." "Turn around, Marty." "Turn around, Marty." "Turn around, Marty." "It's gone." "It's gone." "It's gone." "Where is it?" "Where is it, you stupid little maggot?" "Where is it?" "Say, leave him alone, you bum." "Nobody pushes my Marty around." "It's-- It's not my fault." "But where is it?" "Well, who the hell knows where it is?" "It just must have sunk back into him." "I'm sorry, Jackie." "I didn't mean to." "I'm ruined." "It's all over." "I'm ruined." "What are you talking about, you're ruined?" "Hey, that's not the Jackie I know." "What, you're not even gonna call him?" "Big deal." "So he doesn't have three arms." "He's still gonna tell the same jokes." "I'm still gonna play the same notes." "They'll never buy it." "Sure they will." "I mean, what, are you gonna give up without even calling him?" " What am I gonna tell him?" " Don't tell him anything." "We'll stuff the bat back in." "Who's gonna know?" "Everybody knows the old "fake arm out of the back" trick." "Maybe you should..." "tell him the truth." "You should call before it gets too late." "Yeah, Dirk Delta's secretary, please." "Jackie Chrome calling." "Hi." "This is Jackie Chrome." "Yes, yeah, mm-hmm." "Tuesday." "Tuesday morning." "Okay." "Flight 56." "Okay." "Yeah." "No, that's great." "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, uh, by the way," "Desi, the Three-Armed Wonder Comic, yeah, he's only got two arms." "He only has two arms." "Yeah." "I'm on hold." "Oh, Dirk." "How are you?" "Mr. Delta, how are you?" "That's right." "J-Just two." "No, no, the one out of his back." "Okay, yeah." "I'm on hold again." " Wh-Wh-What?" " Shh." "Right here." "Right here." "Uh-huh." "Oh, great." "Wonderful." "Wonderful." "Absolutely." "Geez, thanks a million." "Okay, see you Tuesday." "Bye-bye." "" " What's the beef, chief?" "It's not as bad as we thought, boys." "Honesty pays." "Honesty pays." "That's what I've always believed." "You heard me tell him straight out that Marty here's only got two arms, and he said they've gotta fill the slot... and all the arrangements had been made." "Uh, I mean, he was honest, you know." "He said, "Comics with two arms are a dime a dozen."" "He said, "But Dirk Delta is a man of his word."" "I was really impressed." "So here's the deal." "He said, "Send out the accordion player."" "You're going to Hollywood, Gus, me boy." "You're going to Hollywood!" "Hollywood?" "H-H-Hollywood?" "Do you hear that, Marty?" "I'm going to Hollywood!" "Bless you, sir, bless you." "Oh!" "In you go, little lady." "Bye, Marty." "Jackie." "Oh, hi, Marty." "I'll be seeing you, buddy, huh?" "You're going too?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm gonna open up this big agency in Hollywood." "No more of this piddly stuff for Jackie Chrome." "But what about me?" "Ooh, uh," "Desi, the Two-Armed Wonder Comic has a great snap to it." "See ya." "See ya, Mart." "Can I help you?" "Where's Rosarita?" "She doesn't work here anymore." "You gonna order?" "Mashed potatoes, please." "Ladies and gentlemen, Syd's nightclub is proud to welcome back... the comedy styling of Mr. Marty Malt." "Up until a few days ago," "I had a third arm growing out of the middle of my back." "No." "It's true." "Three arms." "It was very frightening." "It started out as a lump." "And then it grew into a... baby hand." "Anyway, it eventually grew into a..." " full-sized arm." "" "And my best friend, Gus, said I was a weirdy." "Having a third arm taught me quite a bit about my friends though." "My girlfriend dumped me." "Gave me the boot." "I guess she didn't like me always having the upper hand." "Now that it's gone though," "I kinda miss it." "I mean, I was making a lot of money as the turnstile at Kiddieland." "It's very embarrassing having three arms though." "Every time I would go to a restaurant, when I would stand up, people would think I was the coatrack." "At one point I was so depressed," "I thought I would join the military." "But I failed the physical." "Can you imagine?" "Me, not being allowed to join the army."