"Previously on United States of Tara..." "The minute they walk in here, I just get..." "I really don't want a transition." "Hell House?" "They're like haunting houses, except they're run by a church." "I think you're joining the God squad in order to get closer to Jason." "{\Look, }We knew when you were off the meds the whole gang would resurface." "I can't {\begin to } understand why you need them, unless we let them show themselves." "At boarding school, she had sex with a guy she didn't want to have sex with." "Tara's roommate's name was Heidi Sawyer." " Does that help?" " Yeah, yeah." "You bet." "I want a big house, and I want a great fuckin' boyfriend." "And I am never gonna fuckin' have those things because my idiot ex-husband made me get a boob job, and now I'm stuck with these!" " Write her a check." " Mom!" " What the fuck?" " I wet the fucking bed." "Well, I made it." "Relecture/Synchro:" "grischka, salomon, valpi" "A lot of people just want to be rescued from themselves." "They wish they could be airlifted from their skin and dropped into someone else's." "Me?" "Just wish I could stay the same for a whole week." "But then, ironically I'd be a whole different person." " See you next time." " Thank you." "I'm sorry to just show up like this, but things are getting very hairy at home." "You wouldn't return my calls and I need to talk to you." "Max, as your wife's therapist, there are boundaries I have to observe." "I can't advise you." " Now if Tara wants to come in..." " Please, I..." "I think I saw something." "A new alter." "Completely new personality?" "Tara's parents were visiting us last week and it was a... world of shit as usual." "Whatever." "And I saw something, in the middle of the night." "It wasn't Tara." " Was like this..." " What was it?" "It's like a weird poncho goblin or something." "Poncho goblin." "It wasn't her." "It was like an animal." "It did stuff an animal would do." "Max," "I've really been educating myself about this stuff lately." "Lately?" "I shouldn't be speaking to you at all, but..." "It's very common for there to be a child-like or nocturnal alter." "I think this being has manifested itself because of Tara's lifetime of secrets." "She's looking for answers about her youth." "Maybe whimsical nighttime play helps her discover those answers." "This wasn't whimsical." "Tinkerbell's whimsical." "This little fucker pisses on people." "Tell you what." "Wait till Tara's next session." "You come with her and we'll talk together about the memories that have triggered all this." "You think that'll work?" "I think having a professional and a loved one working in tandem can be very productive." "Okay." "I trust you." "Thank you." "Okay, I've got my prescriptions filled, a big pillow, a sports bra in my new size, four DVD's starring Kate Hudson," "soft bland foods in case the anesthesia makes me pukey, and..." "Did you remember to get those pudding snacks that I like?" "I did but Kate ate all the vanilla ones." "Okay, well someday when Katy gets her tits done" "I will get my revenge." "My child will never be that insecure." "Tara," "I chose you to be my post-surgery booby buddy because I thought you'd be supportive." "You of all people should know what it's like to be judged." "I do." "I do." "I just think you're beautiful the way you are and you don't need to change." "Just..." "I'm gonna take great care of you." "You're gonna wake up in that operating room on a fluffy vicodin cloud." "And I'm gonna take you home and tuck you in and put on "You, me, and Dupree"." " Okay." " Could almost be fun, except you'll have a drainage tube in your chest and moderate to spectacular bruising." "Do you think Dr. Pete can fix me?" "I'm weary of anyone who calls himself "Dr. Pete"." "Come on, Tara." "Reassure me." "It's gonna be fine." "Just three little incisions and everything will be fine." "Come here." "So we're just committing random acts of violence?" "Yeah, that's the main objective." "Mug the prostitute." "It's really funny." "You're right." "That's quite a delight." "So..." "Can I ask you for some advice on something weird?" "Seriously?" "You want advice from moi?" "Your shallow big sister whom" " you've mocked and belittled?" " That's rich." " Forget it." " Come on." "Proceed." "Jason is ignoring me." "Ignore him back." "See, I'm surprised you'd say that." "I thought you'd tell me to, like, pursue him boldly." "No." "I mean some people can be that, Moosh." "Like people like me." "But you have to play it cool." "{\Besides, }The odds aren't really in your favor because we don't even know if Jason's a homo." "I mean I think he's a homo because he has a bad case of gay face." "But even I can't know for sure." "I mean, I see him at Hell House rehearsals." "But we're just so busy inhabiting our characters and doing body work." "I just never get a good excuse to talk to him." "Well, that's good." "That's great." "You have a mystique." "Don't talk to him." "Don't look at him." "Have you ever seen that movie "Boomerang"?" "Gotta play the player." "I didn't see that film." "Anyway, I just couldn't see myself being so insincere." " Just feels so fake and manipulative." " Yeah." "I think you're the player." "No doubt." "I'm a baller, dude." "Hey, what are you doing to the alphabets?" "Well, our son has a crush and our daughter just filled out her first W-2." "I think we're officially out of alphabet territory." "Yeah, they're not our babies anymore." "You have any fun memories from that age?" "I barely remember anything." "You know that." "Oh, hey, are you gonna drive Charmaine to Dr. Pete's?" "I gotta help Kate with her Jackson Pollock essay." " Yeah, yeah." " I'll pick her up after." "Are you telling me you never snuck out of your dorm to go see a boy or something like that?" " What are you driving at?" " Nothing." "Just wanted to find out..." "What made you." "What made me what?" "A freak?" "No." "I'm not your home improvement project, Max." "Forget it." "I'll get Charmaine." "Thank you." "Tell Tara to come get me as soon as the clinic calls." "They said I could go home 45 minutes after I wake up." "Of course." "She's gonna stay with me all night, right?" "That's the plan." "So you get the whole place to yourself." "Guys' night out." "Actually..." "I'm gonna go meet Tara's old roommate Heidi." "What?" "Tall Heidi?" "Turns out St. Ann's has quite an alumni association." "There's only 14 Heidis since '89." "I don't know why you do this to yourself." "It's crazy." "'cause I want to find out what happened to my wife." " What caused this disorder." " It's not a disorder." "It's a weakness." "All right, she does it to herself." "You know that." "Look, they're characters she plays to..." "You know, you're a shitty sister." "You know that?" "She always sticks up for you." "I speak the truth because I care about her." "I am the best sister in the world." "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go have major surgery." " Elective surgery." " Major." " Majorly elective." " Major." "Hey, Marshall." "Oh, hey." "What's up?" "Oh, you know, this and that." "Hey, sorry I haven't, you know, called you or been able to hang out." "Just been so busy." " You know how it is." " Yeah, sure." "I know." "Have fun doing that." "Hey, you want to come hang out with us?" "We're doing paper mache." "It's French." "Enjoy yourselves." "Well..." "Look who's up." "Where's Dr. Pete?" "Dr. Pete's updating his video blog, but he wanted me to tell you your girls look gorgeous." "You've been napping on and off." "You're pretty much ready to go." "We called your support person." "Oh, she's here?" "Yes, the person is here." "Nausea is common in recovering patients." "Fine by me." "Long as it ain't coming out the other end." "That's not my booby buddy." "Don't worry, babe." "I'll drive real safe so you don't hurt your new fun bags." "This isn't happening." "Tara," " stop." " Call me Buck." "Or I'm gonna leave you here with the mummy's revenge." "This is so like you." " Is everything all right?" " Hey." "I got it all under control, sugar." " Careful." " Sorry, ma'am." "What the fuck is elective surgery anyhow?" "You wanna be sliced open by a Russki?" "It's corrective surgery." "My first boob job came out looking like those googly eyes you get in arts and crafts at camp." " You know that." " Hey, you like mixed martial arts?" "No, I like romantic comedies with women who fall down a lot." "These guys fall down a lot." "Hell, they eat shit every few minutes." "No crying'." "Tara," "I'm a fucking mess." "Okay, I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and I am on drugs." "Please don't do this." "Okay, just stop." "I ain't Tara." "You're lucky I'm here." "I was meant to go to league night." "Now I gotta stay at home on account of your womanly vanity." "Look at me." "I got my ass blown up at Con Thien." "You don't see me bitchin'." "Tara, you didn't go to Vietnam." "You're a 35-year-old woman." "You've got two kids." "You lost your tonsils in '76 and that's it." ""Oxycodone"." "This is hillbilly heroin." "It's for pain." "I got pain." "Like I said, I need to ask you some stuff." "And it's..." "I mean, it's kind of weird." "I just have this feeling that... something... happened to Tara when you two went to school." "Are you, like..." "Are you..." "Are you divorcing her or something?" "You're trying to get dirt." "Is this a custody thing?" "No, no, no{\, no, no}." "No, nothing like that." "Not a custody thing." "It's a long story and it's complicated, but I'm..." "I'm just doing this because I love her." "Tara and I had a falling out during our second year of school." "Anyway, I finally..." "I get a boyfriend." "He's my first one." "And his name is Trip." "And he's..." "He's very outdoorsy." "He's really into windsurfing." "He's very weathered and, you know, kind of melanoma sexy." "Right, okay." "Right." "So, one morning," "Tara comes back to the room and she's all messed up." "Messed up how?" "She looked like she'd been knocked around." "{\And }I asked her what happened and she said that she didn't know." "I didn't..." "Also, I didn't..." "I didn't ask her, only really ask her 'cause that kind of shit happened at St. Ann's all the time." "It was the late '80s." "You know, mosh pits and everything." "Yeah, but the night that she was attacked." "So then, I find out from some girls around school that she had slept with Trip that night." "Your Trip?" "Yeah." "And I was pissed." "And then I confronted him and he denied it." "And Tara and I never spoke again." "And I didn't really know what had happened." "But I've thought about it over the years and I just..." "I think it's fishy." "Yeah, it's very fishy." "I think he lied and I think he did do something to her." "What's Trip's last name?" "Can I have his last name?" "You have a pen or..." "His name is Trip." "Johanssen." "I peeked under the bandages." "See anything you like?" "I think it's gonna be nice." "Once the weeping stops." "You're a nice-lookin' woman." "I bet that commie doctor fixed you up good." "Could that go off?" "Depends how much more you talk." "If I talk about the kids, will that change you back?" "Back to what?" "I hear Marshall has a crush on a boy at school." "Probably another creampuff." "They're runnin' rampant these days." "How can you talk that way about your son?" "Marshall ain't my son, thank God." "If I had a son, he'd be a grade-A pussy hound." "You got him!" "Take the fucker down!" "Shit." "Maybe he's just struggling with his identity." "I still don't know who I am." "I fucking got fired from Vita-Self." "Sure got fucked over with that whole restraining order thing." "Right?" "We don't even know who defaced that ridiculous mural." "I mean, obviously..." "Tara did." "I mean you... did." "I mean..." "Are you Tara?" "What do you think?" "I don't know anymore." "That lady's got problems." "The rest of us just gotta hold it down as long as we can." "I really hate her." "Sometimes." "I don't understand women." "Always fighting'." "Must be because of your monthly bill." "It's a sister thing." "You wouldn't understand." "I mean, my whole life, Tara's been more loved by everyone." "I mean, our parents obviously." "She always attracts good guys." "They weren't all good." "Max is great." "I've never been with anyone great." "Just guys who work in bars and have huge gross arms." "Guys whose names are action verbs." "Hey, it's like me." "Buckin' bronco!" "Good for you." "I feel like shit." "My hair's a mess." "Can you help me?" "Just stop cryin', okay?" "Trip..." "Trip Johanssen." "Thanks for this." "I'm not supposed to lift my arms until Day Three." "Yep." "Think you could take me to the gun range some time?" "Sure." "Just gotta watch out for the kick back." "Don't want to bust a titty." "I think I'd look good with a gun." "Most women do." "Oh, be sure and condition the ends." "You know, Tara used to wash my hair when we were kids." "One time we were playing beauty salon outside with the hose and we got in trouble because the shampoo killed mom's geraniums." "And..." "Buck?" "Charmaine?" "You..." "Oh, God." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, Tara." "You're back." "I'm sorry." "Cigarettes make me sick." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Take your time." "Who drove you home?" "Buck did." "Oh, no." "Was he horrible?" "He was a pretty good booby buddy." "Hello." "Oh, hey." "There is absolutely nothing healthy in this bag." "Good." "I need lots of bad carbs to soak up all this prescription dope." "How do you feel?" "Like someone shoved saltwater bags under my pec muscles." "But my hair looks amazing." "Buck should open a salon." "He could call it Hair Trigger." "Funny." "Not really." "So wait, what's the story with Jason?" "Did you talk to him?" "He goes to school here, you know?" "Along with 4,000 other assholes who happen to live in the district." "So what happened?" "Pretty much blew him off at sets." "Like you said." "I was both cold and aloof." "And how'd that work out?" "He called me last night." "No shit!" "Yeah, he had..." "He had a question about McCabe and Mrs. Miller." "But I think he was lying because, I mean, since when does he even care about Altman anyway?" "He doesn't." "I was right." "I don't know." "Just feels so phony." "I mean, why do people have to hide their feelings to seem more attractive?" "Because people only chase whatever it is that they can't have." "It's basic boy science." "There's actually this old book on it called The Rules." "Aunt Charmaine has it on her toilet." "So I basically just have to keep pretending that I don't like him?" "I mean, you could even act like you actively dislike him and that'd probably work okay." " I don't get it." " It's all about maturity, Moosh." "Like, you know that stuff they teach you in kindergarten about being yourself?" "It's bullshit." "Don't ever be yourself." "It's the kiss of death." "You're back!" "I had to take care of her all day." "Didn't even get to shower." "You are a great breast friend." "Booby buddy." "I smell gun oil and Lucky Strikes." "Guess why." " Hi, mommy." " Hi, sweetheart." "Why are you wearing that?" "I forgot to bring {\a }change of clothes and had to borrow something from Charmaine." "Where does she shop, Forever 36?" "So what did you guys do last night?" "Had this place to yourselves." "Kind of fun, right?" "Oh, I went out with the girls." "We saw this movie." "It was the dumbest movie of all time{\, mom}." "It is so stupid." "I cannot wait to go see it again so I can hate it even more." "I worked on sets at the Hell House." "We're coming really close to a realistic underworld look." "Plus I created this faux finish that looks exactly like scabbed flesh." "Cool." "How about you?" "I hit the gym with Neil and we had a couple beers." "Sounds nice and counterproductive." "How's Charmaniac?" "She's great." "Her swelling's already going down." "And I think when she heals, they're both gonna point in the same direction." "Mom, can we please not talk about Charmaine's body?" " Sorry." " Well, we missed you." "Wanna try some of Marshall's... skirt steak with truffle salt, right?" "Some mushrooms he's never even heard of." "I would love nothing more." "Just gonna take a shower." " Back in a minute." " Yeah, 'cause you smell like smoke." "So do you." "Busted." "Change can be good for the soul, I guess." "Sometimes it's long overdue." "Boosh." "In my case, it's just a pain in the ass." "I've never lied to the kids about a transition before." "I just..." "Don't want to put them through any stress right now." "I told Max though." "I know he'd never keep anything from me." "I feel tired all the time." "I even wake up feeling worn out." " You been having strange dreams?" " No." "Why?" "Am I talking in my sleep?" "Not talking." "Did you just scoot away from me?" "No." " What's going on?" " Nothing." "I love you." "Come here."