"With the Indians!" "Avram!" "I want to talk to you in private." "Speak only English." "And no matter what I say, don't smile." "Out of 88 students graduating from this yeshiva... you came in a close 87." "Don't smile." "Look sad." "There is a new congregation..." "In America?" "Wait!" "Some meshuggener suggested your name to become the new rabbi." "I am forced to take an official vote of the board of rabbis." "Close." "It's a close vote." "But I am the Chief Rabbi!" "I am the one who has to decide!" "So, cowboy..." "I am sending you to San Francisco." " Where is San Francisco?" " By New York." "Get out, quick." "And so, on a wonderful sunny day in 1850..." "I started out my great adventure... and I left Poland for Philadelphia... the city where all the brothers love each other..." "The boat's gone." "Understand?" "Somebody should have told us!" "This is the devil's work." " What'd he say?" " Says the boat is gone." "Mister, what'd you just say about the boat to San Francisco?" " Gone!" " Well, that can't be." "That boat's supposed to leave first tide in the morning!" "Supposed to?" "What the hell's the matter with you?" "It's a gold rush." "Haven't you people heard anything?" " Next boat two months." " Oh, God!" "Oh, my God, help me!" "Just this morning me and my brother got the news." "All right." "Who's next?" "Our mama's dying in San Francisco." "What am I gonna do?" "There must be some way that a person can go to San Francisco... in another way than the boat." "Not for us, sir." "Just 10 minutes ago, me and my brother sold our horses and our wagon... so as we could purchase tickets on this here boat." "And now we ain't got neither." "Well, perhaps if you go to the man... and you told him your troubles and you give him back the money... he would give you back the wagon." "You think he'll do it?" "If he is a good man, I think he would do that, yes." "Mister, would you help me, please?" "I'm not much good at explaining myself and..." "I usually just start to cry." "I will do that." "I would be happy to do it." "But I don't know if I would be much help to you." "With the way I speak English..." "Wait, you don't have to carry the bags." "My brother, his name is Matt." " Oh, say, what's your name?" " Avram." "Avram." "My name's Darryl, Darryl Diggs." "Anyway, my brother's got a temper." "Sometimes he just unloads, you know what I mean?" " Can't I help you to carry..." " No, that's all right." "I've got it all." "Don't worry about a thing." "Just step in here, anyway." "Come on, what is it again, Avrum?" "Avram." "But you didn't do nothing wrong." " Everything go all right?" " Well, we missed the boat." " What?" " The boat sailed yesterday." "The whole town's gone crazy, Matt." "It's gold rush." "It sailed yesterday." "Yeah, but what are we supposed to do now?" "Well, God may be on our side yet, Matt, thanks to this here gentleman." "Avram, this is my brother, Matthew Diggs." " How do you do?" " Mr. Jones!" "Mr. Jones, we missed our boat and we find ourselves in a desperate state." "We need our horses and our wagon back... so as we can get to San Francisco to see our mum before she dies." "So if you'd be kind enough to take your money back..." "I sympathize with your misfortunes, fellows." "But you've got to understand..." "I'm in the business of buying and selling... and I don't sell unless I can make a profit." "But we don't have no money to give you a profit." "Then we don't do no business." "Excuse me." "Excuse me, Mr. Jones." "How much profit do you need from these gentlemen?" "$50." "$50." "That's it, Matt, we're sunk." "I'm sorry, Avram." "Sorry I wasted your time." "Well, perhaps I could pay the $50." "It's real kind of you, Avram." "I don't know how's we could ever pay you back." "Do you, Matt?" "$50, look, I don't know." "If I could have a seat on your wagon to San Francisco..." "I would be more than paid back." "Well, you pay the $50... you could have a seat with a cushion on it." "Can't he, Matt?" "All the way." "I would share the cushion." "Matt, the Lord is smiling on you and me today!" "Amen." "Gentlemen, quiet!" "Wonderful, marvelous news." "Just this morning, I received this letter." ""Dear Mr. Bender:" ""This is to inform you that soon, God willing..." ""you will have a rabbi and a Torah." ""Rabbi Avram Belinski has left Poland..." ""to join you in the village of San Francisco." ""Avram thanks you for the picture of your lovely family." ""He is looking eagerly forward to meeting your daughter Sarah Mindl..." ""with an eye towards matrimony."" " Papa!" " Not now, Sarah Mindl." "But, Julius!" "Go to your room." "What's the matter with Sarah Mindl?" "Bender, a rabbi is better than a Rosensheine." "You want a bite?" "Oh, thanks." "There she is, Avram." "That little shortcut I was telling you about." "Gonna get us to San Francisco four days earlier." "Good." "Whoa!" "What happened?" "Is it Indians?" "Mr. Jones, what's happening?" "I don't understand." "What's..." "Darryl, tell him I paid the $50!" "He paid the $50." " You paid the $50?" " Yeah, I did." "Is it clothes what you want?" "You want to take my clothes?" "You need my clothes so much?" "You don't have your own clothes?" "No!" "No!" "Not the Torah, please!" "Take my money, you can have the..." "God!" "God, help me!" "Mr. Jones, please don't do that!" "Please!" "Please!" "No!" "What's you need my tallis for?" "Why are you doing this?" " We love you." " Mr. Jones... why are you doing this?" " You're not happy with our service?" " No." "God!" "I don't want to be with these filthy crooks!" " We'll fix that for you, bucko." " No!" "There you go!" " How'd we do?" " I got the rest of his money." "This you couldn't throw out first!" "America." "Landsmen!" "Landsmen!" "Hello!" "Landsmen!" "Landsmen!" "Hello!" "Landsmen!" "Dost thou speak English?" "Dost thou... speak..." "You know, I think he's crazy." "We have decided... that thou shouldst have this money for the train to Akron." "We are sorry it cannot be more." "We all hope it will help thee on thy journey..." "Brother Avram." "I will never forget thy kindness." "Thanks." "Bye-bye." "Good-bye, children." "Good-bye." "Thank you very much." "Thanks." " Good-bye." " Good-bye, Avram." "My parents have a farm... not big like this one, but they have a nice farm." "How is it that thou are not a farmer?" "Well, God made me a rabbi." " Why?" " Why?" "I think he had enough farmers." "What a wonderful country." "Simple Simon says, "Put your fingers on your nose."" "Simple Simon says, "No laughing."" "Simple Simon says, "Put your fingers on your nose."" "I really have to go!" "Simple Simon says, "Put your fingers on your nose."" "Don't bother the man, honey." "Simple Simon says, "You don't have to play."" "I think we're an hour and a half away." " Mommy, I'm getting sleepy." " Then take a nap." " Can you stop it?" " Mama, I'm hungry." "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?" "Now I want you all to stay calm and listen... 'cause I'm only gonna say this once." "First thing is:" "Don't turn around." "There's a man behind you with a big shotgun... and he don't care to be recognized." "Them that don't believe me is gonna die." "All right now." "You all put your hands on top of your heads." "Good." "That's real good." "Now we're all gonna play like we're in church." "You got something for the collection, sir?" "Very kind." "Ma'am?" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Ma'am?" "Thank you." "Well, thank you all very much." "Mr. Jake, I'm jumping here, you go at the next bend." "Remember, folks... the best way to keep your heads is keep your hands on top of them." "And don't turn around." "Better to give than to receive, ain't it, folks?" "Simple Simon says, "Everybody laugh."" "Don't you get the joke?" "Simple says, "Everybody gotta laugh."" "It's difficult to explain that a Jew can't ride on a Saturday." "And, for a Jew, Saturday begins on Friday." " Name?" " Joseph Pellerton." "See the foreman." "Name?" "Good?" "Good." "See the foreman." "Name?" "You funny looking fellow." " Yes." "Yes." " See the foreman." "Name?" "Yes." "See the foreman." " You ever work on railroad before?" " No." "This is the first time for me." "K-O-V..." "See the foreman." " You sure talk funny." " Name?" " Yes." " See the foreman." " Yes." " Name?" "John Browning." "Strange-looking characters looking for jobs." "See the foreman." " Name?" " Belinski." "Sorry, Paco." "Sorry." "It wouldn't happen again." "You can bet your boots on that." "He did it again." "Wait, Paco." "Wait!" "Wait, it wasn't done on purpose." " Avram, some water over here." " Coming right up." "Got nice, fresh water coming right up." " Avram." " What?" "What happened?" "Paco?" "No!" " It was an accident." "I didn't mean to..." " I kill you, pendejo!" "I'll bust your Jewish bones!" "You smart, you listen." "We open a big restaurant." "You work one year, make enough money to buy a wagon." "Maybe we even go with you, huh?" "Open a big joint in San Francisco!" "Paco, would you show me where to buy a horse?" "Hey, pendejo." "How you going to find your way?" "Paco, please, just show me where to buy a horse." "You're crazy, Jew-boy!" "You gonna get lost!" "Believe me, I won't get lost!" "Oh, yes, you will." "Good-bye!" "Good-bye, Paco." "Good-bye, Mr. Ping!" "Wait!" "Wait, horsie!" "Wait, wait, horsie!" "Take it easy." "Nice horsie." "That's a good horsie." "That's it." "Let's take it slow and easy." "Slow!" "Slow." "That's it." "You're a good horsie." "Sarah Mindl." "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah." "Oh, my Sarah, Sarah." "Oh, show me what you meant to me." "Oh, my food!" "My food!" "Why me?" "My food, you're gonna take?" "You got the whole world, you're gonna take my food!" "Not you!" "Wait!" "Not you!" "Wait!" "Horsie, wait!" "No food and no horse." "Come back!" "Come here, horsie!" "I'll be good to you!" "I'll be nice!" "I'll pick grass for you!" "I'll scratch your back!" "I'll give you a nice rub!" "Chicken, chicken." "Chickie, chickie, chicken." "Come here." "I don't wanna hurt you." "I just want to eat you." "Come here, wait!" "I don't wanna hurt you!" "I just want to make you kosher!" "How hungry are you?" "I'm pretty hungry." "If you had been here yesterday... we could've had roast chicken!" "So that's Jewish cooking, huh?" "Pretty good, huh?" "Where're you coming from?" "Back there." "You're from California, huh?" "California is that way?" "You're lost, ain't you?" " Got any money?" " No." "Got any food?" "No." "Sure talk funny." " Where you born at?" " Poland." "Is that near Pittsburgh?" "No." "That's near Czechoslovakia." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "And you're going to California?" "Yes." "You ain't gonna make it." "Excuse me... in the morning, would you be kind enough... to point out in which direction is San Francisco?" " Sure." " Good." " In the morning." " In that case... would you like to fight for that last fish?" "You think you got a chance?" "I think I can say, with complete confidence, none whatsoever... but I'm still hungry." " Help yourself." " Thanks." "What you call this kind of fish?" " That's a trout." " A trout?" "It's got a lot of bones." "You got family waiting for you?" "I'm promised a wife when I get to San Francisco." "But I haven't never met her." "You gonna marry a woman that you never seen?" "I didn't say I never seen her." "I said I never met her." "They sent me a picture before I left Poland." "Well." "What you think?" "Well, that's my kind of woman." "You son of a gun." "You son of a gun, you." "Shee-it!" "I guess so." "This other one ain't bad, neither." " Good night, Rabbi." " Good night, cowboy." "Well, it's nice meeting up with you, pard." "Nice meeting up with you, pard." " You got it straight?" " Oh, sure." "Right from this tree..." "I head straight north five or six weeks... till I come to the flat country." " Yeah." " Then I make a left for two days." "That way I avoid the Indians." "Then I cross the river... and I make a sharp right, away from the mountains." "Once I get to the desert, God willing..." "I just continue straight as piss... till I come to the ocean." "Take a left... keeping the ocean on my right shoulder... and just hot-tail it right into San Francisco." "Good?" "Pretty good." "Well..." "I hope you make it." "Okay, wait, horse." "Good." "All right, go, horsie." "That's it, straight ahead." " Speak any Mexican, do you?" " No." "Why do you ask?" "Oh, nothing." "Just curious." "If you should ever come to San Francisco, I hope that you'll call on me... and we could talk over some nice times." " Come on, horsie." " Hey... that way." "That way?" "Of course, I know it's that way... but first I have to go around that big log before I can go that way!" "You mustn't turn a horse so quick." "That's how accidents happen." "You gotta start nice and slow." "That way you get off on the right foot." "Hey!" "What kind of crazy horses they got in this country?" " What do you call this in Jewish?" " A tokhes." "Well, you keep your eyes on this tokhes and don't take them off till I tell you." "Keep my eyes on the tokhes..." "Shee-it!" "Don't get no closer to that edge, Rabbi." " What kind of word is that?" " What word?" "You always say, "shee-it" at a certain moment." "Shee-it?" "Well, that's a..." "That's a..." "What do you..." "You must have a word in your language that you..." "What do say when you get really took by surprise?" "Oy gevald." "Oy gevald?" " Yeah." " That's it." "That's what "shee-it" means?" "Oy, shee-it!" "Yeah, that makes sense." "Slow." "Slow, horsie." "Well, this is it." " Where are you going?" " Back down the river a few miles... it's a good place to cross." " Why not here?" " Here?" "Here's a good place to die... but it ain't a good place to cross the river." "We just jump in and swim straight across." "Simple as pie." "You wanna kill yourself, go ahead." "I don't like the odds." "I'm taking the long way." "Well, that shouldn't be so difficult." "Wait a minute!" "Where you going, horsie?" "I didn't say where to go yet!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "That snake could've killed me!" "Well, damn me!" "If he can do it, I can do it." "Help!" "Oy gevald!" "God damn!" "Shit!" "You know, Rabbi, you're one crazy bastard!" "Remember..." "I'm the kind of person when he says he's gonna do something, he does it." "You got a guarantee, huh?" "He could be laying out there somewhere..." " dead in the wilderness!" " Bite your tongue!" "You're talking about my future son-in-law." "Somebody, maybe, should remind Sarah Mindl." "Rosalie." "Rosalie." " Get your sister away from that idiot!" " I'm not mixing in." "I'm not mixing in." "This is a nice little town." "Cold, but nice." "Yeah, I guess." "I don't think that fellow is 100%." "I'll see if I can find us some place to stay." " Someplace pretty cheap." " Yeah, pretty cheap." "About tomorrow morning..." "This ain't traveling weather." "I know this place ain't fancy, but it's got a roof." "And like you say, it's cheap." "So we just stay here for a couple months and then head south." "No." "I've wasted too much time already." "When they banged on your head, they must've mushed your brains!" "So goddamned worried about time, how come you don't ride on Saturday?" "I told you, it's against my religion to ride on the Sabbath." "I got me a new religion, too!" "And one of the things you ain't allowed to do is die!" "There's real mountains out there, and that's a real blizzard building up." " I'm telling you we can't make it." " I can make it." "God damn!" "I ain't gonna let you talk me into this." "It's just impossible!" "Every goddamn Indian knows that!" "Every goddamn trapper knows that!" "I know, you don't like it when I talk that way." "But I'm telling you, you ain't gonna talk me into it this time!" "Am I trying to talk you into anything?" "Good night!" "Have a nice trip." "Good night." "And thanks for everything you did for me... up until the time I needed you the most!" "Don't wake me in the morning!" "I'll try to be as quiet as possible!" "What do you think now, Rabbi?" "It's cold." "You should see it in winter." "In the Talmud it says, '"Find thyself a teacher. '"" "And this I had done." "However, there were times I feared that he would find another pupil." "Get your horse down!" "If we'd have gone on, we'd have froze to death!" "No, make one!" "Move!" "Come here... closer!" "Wait." "We are doing this to keep warm, aren't we?" "In that case, you can put your arms around me." "Come here, darling." "That's better." "Hey, look." "I think we've found the Garden of Eden." "Well, it ain't exactly the Garden of Eden." "What a wonderful place America is!" "There are no walls around these cities." "You don't have to worry about soldiers coming in from the next town... and killing people." "You know, I think this is the West." "We're in the Wild West here, just like the books I read in Poland." "This is a wonderful city." "They got banks and restaurants... they got merchants of all kinds here." "And look at the people... how they're dressed." "I think those are cowboys." " Howdy." " Howdy." "Hold up here." "I got a little business I wanna take care of." "Hold on to the horses, will you?" "I'll be right back." "Move it!" " What's happening?" " We just robbed the bank!" " What did you say?" " We just robbed the bank!" "What do you mean, "we?"" "The bank, they just robbed the bank!" "Oy gevald!" " We need a posse, boys, let's go!" " What for?" "I said, we need a posse!" "To hell with you!" "I ain't got any money in the bank." " But they robbed it!" " Well go get 'em." "It's your bank." " $5 a man when we catch them!" " $5?" " $7.50!" " Not worth it..." " I'll go for $11." " $10!" " $11!" " All right, you bastards... $11." "Let's go!" "Don't get comfortable." "We can't stop here." " How could you do this to me?" " It's what I do." "I'm a bank robber." " But you made me a bank robber!" " So what?" "You get your half." " Get out of my life!" " What?" "Get out of my life!" "Get out!" "I don't want you here!" "Get out of my life!" "Take it easy!" "Take it easy." "You better cool off." "Guns?" "You gonna shoot guns at me?" "Guns!" " You know, you're really crazy." " Sure I'm crazy." "I'm a bank robber." "Who else would rob a bank but a crazy?" "You, you ain't no bank robber." "All you did was hold the horses." " Think I could tell them that?" " Sure!" " And would they listen?" " Yeah, they'll listen." "Then they'll hang you!" " And what if I gave back the money?" " You mean, your half?" " Yes, I mean my half!" " First they'll string you up by your balls... till you tell them where the other half is, then they'll hang you!" "Make up your mind, pardner." "Oy gevald!" "Go fast, horsie!" "Go fast!" "Wait, Tommy, wait!" "I'm coming." "Looks like fresh tracks." "They was here all right." "Here's some blood." "Hey, that was me." "I knew I got that one." "If you did, he sure took a long time to start bleeding." "All right, let's go, men." "Let's look for a tree for the hanging." "Hey." "Hey!" "Another river?" " I wish that we could build a bigger fire." " Well, we can't!" "We're lucky to have this much." "They ain't that far behind us." "By sunrise they're gonna catch on to my dumb-ass trick." "There, that ought to warm you up." "$320 each." "Not bad, huh?" "Now ain't you something." "To tell you the truth, I never figured you's gonna take the money... tainted and all, like it is." "So you're rich." "What are you gonna do with it all?" "When we get to the next town, I'm going to send it back." "Well, I'd be careful till then." "It's dangerous out here." "Fella could get hisself robbed." "I'll keep out a watch for strangers." "About ready." "Church over." "We'd better make tracks." "I figure they know pretty much where we're at." "It ain't gonna take them too long to find us." "Hold still." "Hold still, horsie." "Be good." "We can't really afford such a late start." " What the hell are you doing?" " I don't ride today." "What're you talking about?" " Today is Saturday." " So?" " I don't ride on Saturday." " Well, I know that." "But don't tell me..." " you ain't gonna ride today?" " I ain't gonna ride today." " I asked you not to tell me that!" " That's what I'm telling you." "But this ain't no ordinary Saturday!" "Why is this Saturday different from all other Saturdays?" "'Cause this Saturday, there's a hanging-posse chasing us!" "I promise you." "Right now, they're doubling back to that stream." "I don't ride on Saturday!" "Jesus!" "You give me the P-doodles!" "There ain't no Jews in that posse, you know!" "They'd as soon string you up on Saturday as any other day!" "They don't give a shit for your holiday, don't you know that?" "Goddamned if I'm gonna walk!" "I've asked you not to say that." "You stupid, ignorant, son of a bitch!" "I ain't waiting around for that posse to find us!" " I'm leaving!" " Who's asking you to stay?" "Good-bye!" "There it is." "I'm gonna show you something." "Look over there." "You know what that is?" "Yes." "Well?" "When the sun sets." "Know what you are?" "You're a real meshigoonu." "Meshuggener." "They're coming." "Damn you!" " Come on." " They're coming." "Now?" "Not yet!" "Now?" "Not yet." "Now!" " Now!" " Thank God." "Longest damn day of my life!" "That tree is a apple tree." "Hot." "It's hot." " Will you quit that!" "They ain't coming." " How do you know?" "'Cause it's been four days." "I'm telling you they ain't coming." "Now just relax." "What's that?" "Them's Indians." "Let's go!" "Go, horsie!" "Let's go!" "They ain't serving tea, you know, you idiot!" "Go, horsie." "Shee-it!" "Quick!" "Go quick, horse!" "Can't they see that we're friends?" "What did they want?" "They wanted our horses, our guns, our scalps, our heads." "Jesus, I don't know." "They wanted our asses, that's what they wanted." "But, why?" "What did we do?" "They've been shit on by white men so long they don't ask questions no more." "They wasn't painted up for one of your bar matzavahs, I can tell you that." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Oh, my God!" " What's the matter?" " Oh, my God." " What's the matter?" " Oh, God!" " The Torah..." " Wait!" "Wait, damn it!" "Wait!" "I ain't going with you this time, goddamn it!" " Let go!" " That was war paint..." " you stupid ignoramus!" " Let go!" " They won't talk, they'll just kill you!" " Will you let go?" "I ain't going, you son of a bitch!" "Who's asking you?" "So long, sucker!" "Have a nice funeral!" "You dumb asshole!" "Oh, come on, get me out of this." "Oh, please, please, please." "I'm your friend." "I don't wanna die." "Please, God..." "I never did anything wrong." "How did I get into this?" " Who the hell are you?" " Me, rabbi..." "Jewish rabbi." "Come from far away across big ocean." "I read much books about Indians." "You don't speak English very well." "He's a holy man, Chief." "Speaks to the spirits every morning and every night." "And he's so good and kind and gentle, just a sweetheart of a man." "Why, even when we robbed the bank and the posse was chasing us... he wouldn't ride on Saturday." "No sirree!" "'Cause that's his holy day and he didn't wanna make his spirits angry." " Can he make rain?" " Rain, rain?" "You should've seen the rain..." "I mean buckets of rain coming down day after day." "I didn't know what the hell we were gonna do with all the stuff." " And if you wanna talk about snow..." " Don't talk about snow!" " You came for this?" " Yes!" "I have read this book." "Did not understand one word." " What do you call this book?" " Torah." "The Torah." "Torah." "Good." "Will you trade your horse for Torah?" " Yes." " Your horse and your boots?" " Yes." " And your clothes?" "Yes." " And everything else you own?" " Yes, everything." " Even your knife?" " I have no knife." "No knife!" " You have no knife?" " No." "If I give you back Torah... will you purify your soul through fire?" "Yes." "Shit!" "If I let you go, may I keep Torah?" "No!" "Rabbi with no knife, you are a brave man." "And you, who speak to Indians as if to little children... your heart is big, not as big as your mouth..." "Well but you have good feelings inside." "Thanks, Chief, thanks very much." "Thanks." "You should just be healthy, and that's the most important thing." "Now this is a good drink." "Great spirit, send us rain." "Wonderful!" "Wonderful and nice dancing." "Nice does not make rain." "Yes or no, can your God make rain?" " Yes." " But he doesn't." " That's right." " Why?" " Because that's not his department!" " But if he wanted to, he could?" " Yes!" " What kind of God do you have?" " Don't say, "my God." He's your God, too!" " Don't give him to us... we have enough troubles with our own gods." " But there's only one God." " What does he do?" "He can do anything!" "Then why can't he make rain?" "Because he doesn't make rain!" "He gives us strength when we're suffering." "He gives us compassion when all that we feel is hatred!" "He gives us courage when we're searching around... blindly like little mice in the darkness!" "But he does not make rain!" "Of course, sometimes just like that... he'll change his mind." " This is really good fruit." " Watch out for that stuff." "What's the matter with you?" "I love this fruit." " It ain't fruit!" "I'm telling you, watch out." " Eat." "See that?" "Good!" "I don't know what the recipe is, but this is good." "Tell me, what do Jewish people do to express joy?" "Just like the Indians, they dance, just like this." " Show me." " Me?" "Oh, I'm not a very good dancer." " Do you feel joy?" " Yes, I do, very much." "Then show me, please." "Dance with my people." "Well, I'll take a crack!" "No!" "I want him to dance with you." "He is going to show you how his people dance." "Well." "Ready on the tommies?" "Go!" "Everybody dance always with the left foot first." "First we start slow." "Then we're gonna do some nice footwork." "That's it." "That's good with the hands." "Watch that lady." "I think that lady's a Jewish Indian." "Just have a little fun and don't you worry what the neighbors are thinking." "Watch the lamp post." "Try to keep in time with the other boys and girls." "That's it." "Just get a message from your feet." "They are talking to you all the time." "I'll tell you, if you could move the waist and the hips a little bit... you'll be very happy with the results." "Then walk toward the left... the left shoulder out." "That's the way we do it in the old country." "And hold on tight." "Here we go." "And don't get wet." "Move a little faster, faster." "Listen to the beat." "Steady, hold, careful, let you down." "Get ready, let's jump." "Now we do a jump, a little bitty jump." "That's the way we do it." "Try a little jumping, one, two, three." "And get ready for a trick." "Here we go." "Clap your hands, both sides, one, two, three, four." "Clap right." "Clap left, one, two, three, four." "Clap right." "Clap left." "I think you got it now." "You got the swing of it." "One, two, three, four, clap right, clap left." "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four." "Hello." "Am I in the right place?" "I hear bells." "Oy vey." "Am I?" "Is this?" "I'm not..." "I think I was a little sick." "Wasn't I?" "You want to ask me anything?" " He can't, cuz." " Tommy." " How are you?" " Good." "You look a lot better." "Boy, you were really out of your head last night." "You had me really worried." "Could you eat a little something?" " Always." " Good." "They're waiting breakfast for us." "Leave that Torah here, it'll be safe." "I've had enough trouble with that Torah." " You're okay, huh?" " Yeah." "Oh, good." "Boy!" "Why didn't you listen to me when I tell you about that stuff?" "You think I'm talking to you for my own good, I tell you..." "I'm not talking to you for my own health..." "What's the point of all my experience, you don't listen to me." "Come on, they're waiting breakfast." "You mean they never say anything, ever?" "See, once they take the vow, they stop talking." "I mean... not one word." "There's an old man here, Father Joseph..." " he ain't spoken in 45 years." " 45 years?" "What..." "How do they..." "What if they're playing cards and they wanna ask their partner something... what do they do?" "45 years?" "How can you live that long... without ever asking a person one question?" "Good!" "I like this food." "I know not to ask any questions." "Don't worry, I understand." "Do you grow these right..." "Sorry, sorry." "I understand, no talking." "It's just that I'm not used to this, you know?" "Would you please..." "The salt." "Pass the salt, please!" " Thanks." " You're welcome." "You did it, didn't you?" "You gave them back the money." " Yup." " Yup." "Well, that ain't the American way." "What's more, now you ain't got no money." "Well, now what you gonna do?" "Don't know." "You don't know?" "Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do..." "I'm gonna get me a bath, then I'm gonna get drunk... then I'm gonna catch me a whore with great big tits... then I'm gonna get drunk again... then I'm gonna rob that Wells Fargo office and get my money back." "You dumb-ass Jew!" "Evening." "Evening." "We don't allow dancing in the street." "You wanna dance, you go on over to the saloon." "Oh, thanks." " Evening." " Evening." "Hello." " Hope you don't mind if I watch." " Stranger in town?" " Welcome to the Red Dog." " I like your piano playing." "Ain't you got the darndest..." "You won again, Matt." "No more bets, please." "Hey, what the hell you doing, mister?" "Would you hold this for me, please?" "Well, I'd..." "All right, the wheel waits for no man." " Come on, Matt." " Place your bets." " You're on a winning streak." "Let's go for it." " Place your bets." "Let's go." "Come on." "Let it ride, all right." "One, red." "A winner, he wins again." "I want back my money." "I know you from someplace, don't I?" "You must be loco, mister." "I want my $200." "Piss off." "All right, all right." "No more bets, please." "That's good there." "No more bets." "I can't believe it." "If he's smart, he'll leave right now." "Looks like big trouble." "I don't want to hurt nobody." "I just want my money." "We gonna kill you." "That there is just to get your attention." "Better stay on the floor." "Pretend you're hurt." "You ready, Mr. Jones?" "Oh, I'm ready." "Now I remember you." " Are you ready?" " Yeah." "Put him on the bar." "He's going to do the beer barrel." "We haven't done that one in a couple of months." "Now, come on now, don't mess up his funny beard." "He'll break the bucko's face." "Don't break the bar." "I hope he's got enough money to pay for this." "Nobody move." "You... put $200 on the bar." "You know where the next one's going." "Yes, sir." "And you..." " how much you got?" " $82." "Get it up there." "Put the barrel down now." "Now... the three of you... go away." "Leave the rest." "Yes, sir." "You're a rich man." "I got your $200 back." "Your friends just left." "Well, in that case... let's go out and have a little fun." "I'm game." "Well, cuz, we made it." "See, it's just like I told you... right at that big tree... then left for a couple days, sharp right... and then as straight as piss till you come to the ocean." "Who would've dreamed it could be so simple." "Yeah." "If you don't know me next time you see me..." "I'm gonna kick your ass all the way back to Poland." "Why wouldn't I know you?" " You going away someplace?" " Well, yeah." "This is where we say goodbye, Avram." "What do you mean?" "Well, you follow that beach for a day and a half, you'll be in San Francisco." "You don't need me no more." " Where are you going?" " I'm going that way." "Sutter's Mill." "That's where the gold is." "But I don't want you to go." " Well, I got to go." " Why?" "Well, I got people to see... banks to rob, you know, I... got to make a living." "Who's going to be the best man at my wedding?" "Well, what do you mean?" "That's for one of your Jewish friends." "You got to pick your best friend for that." "You..." "You are my best friend." "I'm your best friend?" "You're my only friend." "Now listen to me, cuz... you keep your eyes on this tokhes... and don't you take them off till we get to San Francisco!" "I never had a best friend." "I got a bank robber, a bank robber... you think a bank robber is stronger than God?" "I'm a rabbi!" "I can beat any bank robber!" "Swimming lesson's over." "Look at them." "Mermaids out of the ocean." "Caught with their pants off." "It's time for a little comeuppance, boys!" "Damn you, horse!" "Whoa!" "Whoa, now!" "He's out of bullets!" "He dropped the gun!" "Get the gun!" "Shoot him!" "There, right there, look!" "It's in the sand!" "Don't let him grab the other gun!" "Shoot him!" "He's gonna kill us!" "Shoot him!" "Shoot him, Avram!" "He's going for the other gun!" "Shoot him for Christ's sake!" "Shoot him!" "Help me!" "He's gonna kill us, shoot him!" "Shoot him, Avram!" "Shoot him!" "Don't you understand!" "He's going for the other gun!" "Don't let him grab that gun!" "Don't let him grab the other gun!" "There, see right there!" "Look, it's in the sand!" "Shoot him, Avram!" "Shoot him!" "It only looks bad, cuz." "I've been hurt worse before." "Give me the whiskey." "Get the saddle bags." "I'll show you how to fix me up." "All right?" "You never killed a man before, huh?" "Get me the saddlebag!" "Now go to sleep." "You're still acting kind of funny." " Are you sure you're all right?" " I'm fine." "You go to sleep now." "Hey, Rabbi... you think God sent me to show you the way?" "Perhaps." "I must be some kind of angel." " Well, it's sure a pretty day, ain't it?" " Yes." "It's a beautiful day." "Howdy." "Hello." "Howdy." "Howdy." "How do..." "Hello there." "Do you want something?" "Well, do I want?" "No!" "Well, gol dang it, ma'am, my name is Tommy Lillard... and I come from the Texas." "I come from Texas." "Excuse me, if I gave you a little startle there." "I was... a little startled there for a second." "What do you want?" "Well, I came to bring this thing here for... for Mr. Bender, iffing I got the right house and all." "You do, I'm his daughter." "Yes, I know that." "Oh, you're the daughter?" "You are the Bender daughter!" "Oh!" "Howdy." "Would you care to come in?" "Well, I would like to, but thanks, no, because I got a friend... waiting at the saloon and... my other friend, the rabbi, asked me to bring this here to you." " I mean, bring this to your father." " What is it?" "This thing?" "I don't know." "I think it's some kind of Torah." "A Torah?" " Yeah, I think that's what he called it." " So, where is he?" " Who?" " The rabbi." "Where is the rabbi?" "Oh, where is the rabbi, the rabbi." "Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am." "The last time I seen him I was busting my britches in the cathouse." "And, my friend, the rabbi, asked me if I should ever come Frisco way... would I drop by this house and do him this favor." "Anyway, it was nice to... make your acquaintance, ma'am." "I'd..." "Is something wrong?" "No, no." "It's just I didn't know that your eyes would be so brown." "How would you know that?" "How would I know that?" "How would I know that?" "That's right." "How could I know that?" "I couldn't know that." "Well..." "I'd better get going." "I hate to keep my sidewinder waiting." "So, I'll just give you that to give to your father." "Oh, wait." "Papa!" "Oh, no, no, don't call the papa!" "I'd really better get my ass out of here." "So, thanks." " And adios for everything." " Wait." "Wait, please." "Papa!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Papa?" "You ain't gonna eat none of this?" "I don't understand you, man." "If you don't eat, you're gonna sure lose your strength." "This a good piece of meat." "You ought to have something." "Got to eat something." "Thank you." "Gracias." "Now look, you go up and change." "And then we'll go together... and we'll tell your people that the new rabbi has arrived." "All right?" "I told you that I can't be a rabbi." "Don't you tell me that!" "Just don't say that again!" "Not after what I've been through to get your goddamn ass here alive!" "If you hadn't shot that man, we'd both be dead!" "Do you understand that, you ignorant asshole?" "You do understand that?" "He was gonna kill you, then he was gonna kill me." "Am I right?" "When you shot that son of a bitch, that was not a sin!" "Then what the hell are we talking about?" "When those men were shooting at you..." "I ran to save the Torah." "So?" "I understand that." " You're a man of God." "I understand that." " I wasn't thinking about God." "I didn't do it because of God." "I don't know one thing about God." "I was thinking about a book." "I cared more for a book than I did for my best friend." "I don't know if you can understand that." "I don't want to insult you, but do you understand what I mean?" "I chose a piece of paper, instead of you." "But I forgive you." "I know that you do." "But you're a good man." "I am a good man." "I am." "But I'm not a rabbi." "You don't say that!" " Tommy, I'm not a rabbi." " Don't say that!" "You are a rabbi." "I'm a bank robber." "I'm a card player and a whore-monger." "That's what I am." "You are a rabbi." "You can fall in the mud, you can slip on your ass... you can travel in the wrong direction." "But even on your ass, even in the mud... even if you go in the wrong direction for a little while, you're still a rabbi!" "That's what you are!" "Right?" "If I'm who I am, how come you ain't what you are?" "You're just too goddamn good to have the same rules." "Now you answer me." "You look me in the eye and you answer me." "Don't you dare sit there and not answer me!" "You'd better have an answer for me!" "Is this the place?" "This doesn't look like a place that a rabbi..." "Maybe Rosalie made a mistake." "We don't belong in here." "Come, Benjamin." "Look at those funny-looking people." "Those dresses look like they came from Europe." "What's he talkin' about?" "What's he talkin' about?" "He wants to know if you're the rabbi." "Me?" "You tell 'em." "I'm the rabbi." "You're the rabbi?" "Funny, you don't look like a rabbi." "I just traveled 3,000 miles across this country... and I was thanking my best friend for getting me here alive!" "My name is Avram Belinski... and I come from a small village in Poland... and don't you judge people by their appearance!" " We have a rabbi!" " We have a rabbi!" "Excuse me, Rabbi, please forgive me." "I am very, very happy to see you." " Let's have a drink, for God's sake." " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "Who's paying?" "Take from the building fund." "Everybody to the bar!" "Pardon me, everybody, please, please make a little room here." "Thank you." "I'm so sorry to spoil your..." "Bartender, drinks for all my friends." " Well, what'll you have?" " Straight whiskey!" "Whiskey for everybody!" "Rabbi, this is Mrs. Bender." "Welcome." "Welcome, Rabbi." "And, this is my younger daughter, Rosalie." "I know that in our marriage agreement..." "I mentioned my other daughter, Sarah Mindl." " But what difference does it make..." " Papa!" "You know, your father thinks that... you can just switch one promised-wife for another promised-wife... but I know that it isn't that way in America." "So, please don't feel... obligated in that way." "Wouldn't you like to dance with me?" "I would." "I would love to dance with you." "But, you know, a rabbi shouldn't do that." "A rabbi can dance with his fiancée, can't he?" "Bartender!" "Yes." "You get out here!" "Yes." "Now, you listen good!" "That man killed my brother." "Me and him gonna have a fair fight." "There ain't gonna be no advantage taken here." "We're going outside." "Bartender, I just want it down for the record... this gonna be a fair fight." "Rabbi." "Rabbi, let's go." "No more killing." "Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "Please, don't do this." "It'd be terrible if some innocent people in here got hurt, wouldn't it?" "Huh, Rabbi?" "Is what he says true?" "Is it?" "All right, get outside, both of you." "Go somewhere else." "Rabbi... you got a gun?" "Well, there you go." "Well, don't worry." "You know this gun." "This is the one you used to kill my brother Darryl with." "There gonna be no advantage taken here." "There." "Just like a man." "Make your move!" "Well, don't just stare at me!" "You ain't gonna get away with it like that!" "Draw, you stinking coward!" "You yellow bastard!" "Draw!" "You draw or I'm gonna bash your head in!" "That was just to get your attention!" "Now listen to me!" "The war is over!" "You understand that?" "No more killing!" "You reach for that pistol again and I'll blow your head off!" "This ain't your fight!" "This is my fight!" "But he killed my brother, and I'm gonna kill him!" "You and your partner and your pig-faced brother... ambushed us on the beach... and if the rabbi hadn't pulled the trigger... you'd have shot us both in cold blood!" "Reach for it!" "Please!" "Wait a second." "Now wait a second." "Let's talk this over." "I'm not a rabbi for nothing, you know." "I think I have a solution." "Just wait a second." "This is a very big country." "I'll tell you what I think is the best thing." "I'll take San Francisco... you take the rest of America... and if you ever come back to this place again..." "I don't think you're gonna get off so easy." "Now get the hell outta here." "Would somebody please show this poor asshole the way out of town?" "Mazel tov!" "I've crossed rivers and I've climbed high mountains... and I was captured by wonderful Indians." "I did so many things." "God has truly blessed me." "And what's more... how many rabbis can say that they had a bank robber for a best man?" "Mazel tov!" "Music, Maestro, please!" "{{{ the end }}}"