" Well... the space mission's finished." " What?" "!" "The captain got off with the lizard queen?" "That's a shit end." "It's not shit, Dennis, it's beautiful." "So, everyone lived happily ever after." "How imaginative!" "Erm, hands up here who considers Karen to be a friend." "Anyone?" "Not a single hand." "Oh." "Please don't stop space mission, sir!" "We fucking love it!" "Oh listen, I fucking love it, son... but it's over." "Go, guys." "Don't look back." "'Human scum, it is I, the alien queen." "'I'm enjoying my lunch." "Thank you for sending me your captain!" "'" "What?" "Eaten him?" "The bitch." "Noooooo!" "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "Looks like we'll have to go back to the dangerous planet next term after all." "Yeah!" "Yes, good." "Go, go, go, go." "Yay!" "Yay!" "Was that all right?" "Was that really what you wanted?" "Are you joking?" "You scared the shit out of them." "You are a wonderful lizard." "Thank you." "Yes, it was difficult, seeing as I'm a warm-blooded creature." "So, erm... half term." "Are you...?" "Getting smashed out of my mind every day?" "Yes, I am." "I can't wait." "Last time, we were down the pub," "Brian hadn't come out because of his wife, obviously, but Jo was there." "There was this German guy and he had no trousers and pants on at the beginning of the..." "Emma?" "Afternoon, team." "How are we?" "Hey, Brian." "You remember my secretary, Barbara?" "All right, Barbara." "Hello, Barbara." "Excited about half term?" "Excited?" "I'm like a chimp that's ripped a woman's face off." "So, agenda - pub tonight." "Raj's for a curry tomorrow night." "Jo, I think we said Monkey Magic at your tent on Sunday." "Yep." "Barbara, you're welcome to all of these." "Wicked!" "I'm gonna get crisps." "Great." "I can't come to curry tomorrow night but the rest sounds good." "What?" "What?" "Actually, I've got a bit of good news." "I've, er..." "Well, Barbara and I have been nominated in the local business awards." "Brilliant!" "We haven't won, we've just been nominated." "It'll go to Tony Gibson and, er, rightly so." "And the ceremony's tomorrow night?" "Yes." "And you've only just found out?" "Well, erm..." "Bit sudden, Brian." "Yeah, er..." "I think they told me a couple of weeks ago." "Well, where the hell are we gonna get outfits from at this short notice?" "It's black tie I bet, is it?" "Yes, it is." "It's OK, just go to the tailor." "What, the tailor who beat the shit out of me cos I was wearing my mum's pants?" "Shall I stick a live wasp up my knob as well, Jo?" "Oh, no, don't do that." "Look, I just presumed you guys wouldn't want to come." "What?" "Naomi's going to be there with her new boyfriend." "Good." "I'll turn up and make her really jealous by taking a fit date." "I'll have to go to an escort agency, of course." "Unless your wife's got someone...?" "Julia can't come, we've..." "The nanny's had to go home." "I'll be your date." "I can't take you." "Naomi knows you." "Right, well, you might change your mind when you see my new dress, it's frontless." "Are you sure you've not been wearing it the wrong way round?" "Yes." "Right, well, lots to do." "Er, hair, suit..." "Oh, this is gonna be stressful." "Hoo!" "I need to get down the salon for an industrial wax." "Last time I went, it was like Chewbacca had stood on a land mine." "Do you know what I mean, Barbara?" "Guys!" "It'll be really boring, you won't enjoy it." "Brian?" "We wouldn't miss this for the world." "Honestly!" "It's almost like you don't want us to come." "Whoa, Shakira!" "Best Service Award." "Good luck." "Good luck." "Who the fuck are you?" "Right, OK." "He won't remember, be the adult." ""Hello, I'd like a suit, please."" "No, he remembered." "He definitely remembered." "Bow-chooka-bow-bow!" "Oh, Daniel, you are going to love me." "Problem sorted." "All right?" "What's going on?" "Oh, the product of my ball bag." "Gerry, my son." "Hello." "All right." "Y-you're right, he is a lanky streak of piss." "Yes, aren't I?" "Your horse, Gerry?" "No, it's just following him around!" "Of course it's Gerry's horse." "He's been nominated for Breeder of the Year." "Small Business Awards." "Oh, I'm going to that." "Oh, aye, good piss up 'tis, n'all." "Oh." "Dan hasn't been nominated, they haven't got a micro penis category." "What, bit tiny down there, is it?" "Tiny?" "You could barely see it." "I thought he was a girl till he was nine." "What, a little thin un, like?" "Yes, Gerry, yes." "It's thin..." "Oh... but there's no length there, either." "Shame." "Yeah." "Good." "I think we've established the size of my penis." "If you'll forgive me, I'll go in to the house." "Stroke her, Daniel." "No, thank you." "She's lovely." "Stroke the horse." "I don't want to stroke the horse." "Bloody hell, lad." "What's the matter with you?" "Stroke the bloody horse!" "Aargh!" "Well, this is perfect." "Well, what are you doing playing with a horse?" "How was I "playing with the horse"?" "It was a trap, he planned it." "Wake up, old woman!" "I'm sick of these silly comments about your father." "Gerry came to show the horse off." "Yes, and now I've had my tit bitten." "Well, never mind." "No-one will see it under your tux." "I haven't got a tux, Mum." "Your dad's one." "What's that?" "Daniel hasn't got a tux for the Business Awards." "I said you've got one." "I have two!" "You could take your pick, my love." "I'll go and get them." "Ooh!" "See?" "He'd do anything for you." "He's up to something." "Oh, I used to think he looked smashing in a tux." "The fun we used to have at those Rotary Club dos." "Oh, in the mythical bygone golden era, when you could buy a house for £3." "None of you ever mention you only earned 10p a year though, do you?" "Whitewash." "You're so cynical, you kids." "Bandage my tit." "Here it is." "This is the best one, I never really wore the other." "It's a bit too '70s." "Wait a minute, you're about a foot shorter than me." "I can alter it, sweetheart." "Oh!" "Look at her little eyes light up at the thought of menial work!" "Let me get the sewing machine out." "Ooh, exciting!" "Is, erm..." "Mario not here, then?" "No, he go to get, erm... suite for Business Awards." "Aah." "You want cut?" "Yeah, I just need it tidied, really." "Cutting it across." "Yes, please." "No, just a trim." "Yes, please." "Yes, please." "Trim across, cut him across, yes?" "What's that?" "Turkish song, you sing?" "Yeah." "# Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum" "# Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum # Oi-nama-shikadum..." "That's great." "# Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum # Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum" "# Oi-nama-shikadum # Oi-nama..." "You do know what I mean, don't you?" "Just a trim, yeah?" "Trim, yes!" "Cool." "# Oi-nama-shikadum..." "Ah!" "# De-de-de, de-de-divani" "# Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum # Dillirurum-sololoom" "# Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum # Somnu-dilidivani" "# Beyan-mediboyum... # Oh, my fuck!" "# Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum Oi-nama-shikadum-shikadum... #" "See?" "You look nice." "You've done a really great job." "Thanks, Mum." "Does my hair look all right?" "I don't know whether you can tell, I've tried to... sort of, bring it.." "You look lovely." "Come and see your son!" "Ooh, I'll pop and get your cuff links." "Well, well, well." "Just leave me alone." "That old suit's come up pretty well, eh?" "Yeah, it's good actually." "Yeah." "Oh, we've had some rum old times, me and this suit." "It's a pity we never really got the chance to have it cleaned though." "What do you mean?" "Well, it hasn't been washed since the Rotary Club Ball all those years ago and it saw its fair share of action that night!" "What?" "Your mum couldn't wait for us to get our clothes off." "Aah..." "Literally!" "So it was a case of pop him out and crack on, so to speak." "Yeah, yeah." "Ergh, ergh, ergh, ergh, ergh!" "Ergh, ergh, ooh, ooh!" "And here's the finishing touch." "Forget it, I'm changing." "What?" "I'll wear the other one!" "It's erm, Dan Davies." "I'm with Ames  Co." "I'll deal with this one." "Oh, no!" "Good evening to you too, sir." "Nice hair." "Look, mate, I don't want any trouble." "Tickets, please." "My friend's got them, she's not here yet." "Oh, dear." "And it's a little bit chilly tonight, isn't it?" "Look, I'm going in." "Well, you can fucking try!" "Oh!" "What a surprise!" "Come to have a little look, have yer?" "No, I was just..." "Well, I haven't got my mum's pants on, I'm afraid." "Look, please, mate..." "I bet you've got a lovely lacy pair under there though, haven't you?" "You cross dressing pervert!" "Nice little bra under that shirt, is there?" "No, it's a bandage." "I got..." "I got bit by a horse." "I'm watching you, you twisted fuck!" "Evening." "Hello." "You waiting for someone?" "Yes, my date." "Oh, right, what does she look like?" "You won't miss her." "She'll have the most ridiculous outfit in the room on." "Maybe she's made more of an effort than you realise." "Sorry, what?" "Surprise!" "Oh, my God!" "Jo, what the fuck?" "Nailed it!" "You said you didn't want Naomi to recognise who you were here with." "Slam dunk!" "So you've dressed as a man?" "!" "It's amazing, isn't it?" "I had it all left over from when I was a private detective." "I wanted Naomi to think I had a date!" "Yeah!" "And now you have." "Why would I want her to think I'm gay?" "!" "And if I was gay why would I be going out with this?" "!" "Oh." "This is the most frightening thing you've ever done!" "I do feel a bit silly now actually." "Oh, my God!" "Look at..." "It's a bit tight, it's all I could get in the charity shop!" "Well, I'm not letting Naomi see me, seeing US, like this!" "I'm going home." "Dan!" "Oh, Christ!" "Hi!" "I thought I might find you here." "Here I am." "Oh, y-your hair." "Yes." "Oh, well, I-i-it doesn't really show." "It shows." "Oh, no, it d-doesn't." "It shows!" "Er, I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself, I'm Naomi." "Hi, Naomi, my name's Damon." "And how do you know Dan?" "We met in Ireland." "Apparently." "We did so." "We were just in Ireland, having the craic over there, and, and now I'm just over here." "Sort of, Dan's date?" "That's right, yeah." "Huh!" "No." "We're, erm, we're business partners, we've started a business together." "That's why we've come here." "Great!" "Finally getting out of teaching." "Hopefully next year, win awards myself." "Oh, that's great, Dan." "So what's the business?" "What?" "Wh-Wh-What business are you starting?" "It's erm..." "Dog corks." "Dog... corks?" "Yes." "Dog corks." "It's what...?" "Wh..." "They're, they're like corks?" "For dogs, yeah." "And what do they...?" "The truth is Naomi, no-one like to see dog mess on the streets, so me and er, your man here, what we plan to do is, er, cork them all." "Oh." "Yeah." "Oh, my God, but surely...?" "Yes." "You would think that palming a cork into a dog's arse to stop it from shitting would be both cruel and dangerous for the dog, but in fact, no, it turns out it's perfectly safe." "And, against all odds, a viable business!" "Right." "Dan, you're bleeding." "Yeah." "A horse bit my tit!" "Excuse me, sweetheart, have you got a minute?" "I want to introduce you to erm..." "Erm..." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Hi, guys." "Dan, Damon, this is Ben, er, my, well, my boyfriend." "Boyfriend." "It's so nice to actually meet you." "I have heard SO much about you." "Oh, good!" "Sorry, you are?" "He's Damon, he's from Ireland." "Ah, your date?" "No!" "He's my business partner." "We're going to be sticking corks into dogs' arses for a living." "Unless, of course, I bleed to death from this horse bite!" "Nice to meet you, Ben." "Come on, Damon!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for the 2013" "West Regional Small Business of the Year Awards." "And please welcome your host, you'll know him from local weather reports from right across the county, Mike Bradley!" "Thank you, thank you." "Who's this twat?" "Absolutely lovely to be here." "Don't you watch the local news?" "This is the weather man..." "There's snow business like a small business!" "He's a weather bell end." "Please!" "Just a little joke there, just lightning the mood!" "And calm down on the cider." "What?" "On a serious note." "Can I just say what a lovely chocolate fountain." "Winner of The Best Butcher Award is..." "Big Dave Bowers!" "What's he throwing?" "It's bacon!" "Next up, the award for Best Hairdresser." "And the winner of the Best Service Award goes to..." "Bob's Cafe!" "I'll get Bob if you're going to muck about." "And now it's time for a very special award, the Financial Services Award." "Is this you, Brian?" "And to read the nominations I'd like you all to welcome the sponsor of tonight's event, Ben Bradgate." "Oh, God, this is it!" "OK, guys." "And the nominees are..." "Paul Johnson Financial Solutions." "Tony Gibson Accountancy." "And Brian Ames  Co." "Whoo!" "Ooh, ah, ah, beef!" "Beef!" "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!" "And the winner is..." "Tony Gibson." "No way!" "You don't understand." "No, I'm sorry, I'm not having this." "No." "Stop!" "Stop!" "No!" "Oh, my God!" "He's doing a Kanye!" "I don't want to do this, really, guys, but I'm so sorry." "Some things have gotta be said, right?" "I'm so..." "I'm so sorry about this, but I..." "Listen, guys, I know he hasn't won, but I want to say a few words about Brian Ames." "I think he's the best financial advisor in the whole world." "This is just one more award ceremony and he hasn't won it, and I respect the judges, I respect the judges!" "But as far as financial advice goes, you're not going to get a better guy than the guy who's sitting over in that corner right now." "I can tell you that, you've got my cast iron guarantee on that right now." "OK?" "I don't know who Tony fucking Gibson is!" "Good luck to him!" "I'm sure he can handle a fucking calculator as well as most men, but you want to tell me that Brian Ames can't do it better, you're WRONG!" "And I'm sorry to raise my voice, guys." "You don't need to be a genius to work out that this is a quality event." "Have a look at the chocolate fountain." "But on this occasion, when it comes to financial services, we got it wrong!" "You got it wrong, I got it wrong!" "And guys, let's kept this award ceremony for us, can we?" "Can we keep this special award ceremony REAL and FRESH and for the people of this town?" "God, I hope so!" "Look after each other, all right?" "We're a community here." "Peace." "All right." "Naomi, I love you!" "Slip, slide!" "Erm, well, thanks for that." "As most of you will know, Tony Gibson passed away last week after a long battle with illness, but his widow, Sandra," "and his daughter, Louise, are here to collect his posthumous award." "My daddy was a hero." "It was very sweet of you, Dan." "Misguided, embarrassing, I mean ball clenchingly embarrassing, but very sweet." "Let's get some drinks." "No need, me and Barbara have sorted it." "Come on, Dan!" "Dan!" "Get a chocolate 'tache!" "Where's that chocolate fountain?" "Beef!" "That table doesn't look like much fun to me." "Barbara, you spoke!" "Yes, I said that table over there doesn't look like much fun, does it?" "I'm glad we're on this table, aren't you?" "Yeah!" "I think I might be!" "I've always hated the slow dances, I never get asked." "I'll take you for a slow dance, Jo." "Wicked!" "I've had a right laugh tonight, haven't you?" "Yeah, yeah, I have, Damon." "I'll tell you what, this bra is ACTUALLY killing me." "Uh-huh." "What a surprise." "Aaaaaaargh!" "Aaaaaaargh!" "Aaaaaaargh!" "Oi!" "Everyone just calm down!" "HEY!" "I'm the sponsor!"