"We're from the Isle of Man." "Both my sister and I have lived there all our lives." "All our lives!" "We wouldn't want to live anywhere else." "That's because of the deviants, you see." "Deviants." "Yes." "Yes!" "Did you tell them about the deviants, yet?" "Deviants!" "Yes!" "Good." "We're from the Isle of Man." "Yes!" "Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore." "Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling, let me go!" "Ah've just bought meself a parrrot." "Something to keep me company now that ah'm on me own." "Though knowing' my luck it prob'ly won't say owt." "Bugger!" "Wanker!" "Wanker!" "Wanker!" "Twat!" "Twat!" "Well, I'm 'appy to say Mr Lender, you have got a clean bill of health." "Fit as a fiddle." "Well, that God for that I've been ever so worried, you know." "Ha-ha!" "Only jokin'." "I'd give you about a month." "What?" "Five weeks, tops." "There's nothing we can do, really." "You... you mean I'm dying?" "I'm afraid so, yes." "So, why did you say I was fine?" "Well, I couldn't just come straight out and say it, it's so bleak." "I wanted to cushion the blow." "Oh, God!" "Oh, my God!" "Ho-ho!" "Gotcha!" "If you could 'ave seen your face, man, it was brilliant!" "No, you're probably in better condition than I am." "That wasn't very funny, you know." "Sorry, I couldn't resist it." "Oh." "Oh, well I'll see you in about a month then, doctor." "I doubt it." "Unless I come to your funeral." "What?" "Sorry, only jokin'." "When?" "When were you joking?" "I'm I well or am I going to die?" "Well..." "Thank you!" "I mean... well, you're going to die." "Oh, Christ!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Gotcha!" "You are so gullible, Mr Lender." "Go on, get out." "You're fine." "Go 'ome an' spend some time with your wife and children." "While you still can." "What?" "What did I say?" "Stop it, doctor!" "No more jokes." "Tell me straight, what is it?" "Cancer." "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "I'm good with star-signs!" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "I didn't mean it." "I was only jokin', man!" "Oh Christ!" "A-ha!" "See how you bloody like it!" "You shouldn't do that you scared me death!" "Get on with you." "You are joking, Doctor?" "No, no - it's all right." "It's an old condition" " I'll be all right, man." "Go on, get out." "Nurse!" "Nurse!" "My pills!" "Oh, God!" "Doctor!" "Doctor!" "Oh, good Lord." "No!" "O God!" "Jesus Christ!" "Gotcha - it's ketchup!" "Ha-ha!" "We're now going to see a piece of film, featuring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall." "Now, much was made of their off-screen romance, but they did in fact hate each other." "I remember when we were shooting Mountain Wars" "I shared a condo with Humphrey, and he would often take me aside and complain that her breasts looked like burnt sprouts." "In her turn, Lauren Bacall hated" "Humphrey's habit of spitting down the sofa and wiping his hands on the curtains." "But, for all that hate, they did in fact produce a child" "Dudley Moore, the comedy pianist." "He went on to become a fantastic comic, a marvellous pianist and an excellent mysoginist as well." "Here they are, in a scene from "To have and have not"." "What d'you do that for?" "I'd been wondering whether I'd like it." "You sure you won't change your mind about the money?" "This belongs to me, and so do my lips." "I don't see any difference." "Well, I do." "OK." "You know you don't have to act with me, Steve." "You don't have to say anything, you don't have to do anything." "Not a thing." "Though, maybe just... whistle." "You know how to whistle don't you, Steve?" "You just put your lips together, and... blow." "Do you like liver?" "Do you like bacon?" "Do you like liver and bacon?" "Well come and see my collection, on the Isle of Man." "Hallo, there" " Bob Fleming here." "And today, we'll be looking at fishing tackle." "Excuse me." "Now, where would your fly-fisherman be - excuse me, without his waders." "Now, the type of wader" "I prefer is not the..." "Excuse me." "Not the... smaller type..." "which is... really just a Wellington..." "Or even a... sidewader..." "But for most general fishing, I've got to go... wading... in a..." "Would you excuse me?" "Keep filming!" "Keep filming!" "I'll be all..." "Hi, I'm Ed Winchester." "Well, a good first half there." "And what about that first goal, Tommy?" "One for the record books, I shouldn't wonder." "Well, I don't know." "Oh." "Well, Ron Manager they'll be debating that one in the pubs and clubs of Luton for some time." "Oh, yes." "Good first half, wasn't it?" "You know, none of them...run off the ball." "Marred only by the crowd disturbances, you know." "Does alcohol have a part to play?" "It certainly does in my life, especially at Christmas and New Year." "Well thankfully, with scenes like that largely a thing of the past." "Oh, luckily we don't see those rampaging gangs of skinheads..." "Oh, skinheads, you know, phew!" "Headskins, baldies," "Teddyboys." "Phew!" "Frightening, you know." "Groups of them?" "Ooh, terrifying." "Wasps." "They're frightening too, aren't they." "Hmm?" "Especially in a car." "But you know, hooliganism, hmm?" "Never underestimate the power of ignorance plus alcohol." "Look at the word." "Are they all on drugs?" "Hard to say, really." "But you know, bad language isn't it, you know, it's thievery and stealing." "Stealery, the, er, cutlery." "Violence and crime." "Call Nick Ross!" "Why, does he have the answers?" "No." "Well, yes, thanks Ron but we don't really want to dwell on that aspect, do we?" "I do." "It's a fundamental lack of respect for their elders, isn't it, you know, far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, mortal fear of parky." "Who can blame them?" "Schoolboys in the hutch, hmm?" "Possibly, don't quote me on that." "But, you know, haven't we failed the youth?" "Haven't given them a positive direction." "Self respect." "Self belief." "I can do it," "I can really move, from my head right down to my blue suede shoes." "Isn't it?" "Rubettes, 1973?" "Marvellous." "Right." "This is the detonator." "Yes, I've seen this type before." "Got to be very careful." "One slip... and it's curtains." "I'll take that, sir." "Thank you, corporal." "All right, we'll start with the blue." "Isn't it... isn't it the green, sir?" "No, no." "No, no." "That, that, that... that's a different model." "Very good, sir." "This one's... a little simpler than that." "There we go." "Um, it says here, sir..." "to ignore the red wire, sir." "Right, thank you." "Now I think it's... one or other of these..." "pretty green ones." "This one, I think." "Looks like we, er, may be here for the duration, sir." "Yes." "Sod this, anyone fancy a pint?" "No?" "Yeah, all right" " I'll have one with you." "Yes, go on then." "Here you are Ted, morning!" "Good mornin', sir." "I see you, er, painted the, er, gate?" "Sorry, I beg your pardon, Ted?" "A fox got into the chickens, sir." "Right, yes." "Are you doing anything on friday, Ted?" "Well, er, there's plenty to do down in the lower field, sir." "What with the drainage problems." "Er, no, no, you misunderstand me, Ted." "I did mean... in the evening." "It's just I have, er... a couple of tickets for Tina..." "Turner." "Oh right, sir." "Do you like Tina Turner, Ted?" "I wouldn't know about that, sir." "No." "Have you ever been to..." "Wembly Arena, Ted?" "No, sir." "No?" "Ooh!" "Aah!" "It's, er, marvellous you,... it's very big." "Oh, it's a great place is it, sir?" "It's very big indeed." "Indeed it is." "We should have to stay over, of course." "But you'd, er, you'd like London..." "I think, Ted." "Er, we could go shopping... together." "I'm not sure about that, sir." "No." "No." "Erm, well, I shall have to be pushing of to..." "Winslow, Ted." "I... pick up a... a prescription." "So, er..." "I'll leave you doing... whatever it is you were doing here, and, erm," "I shall say goodbye." "Yes, goodbye." "Goodbye, sir." "Do I love you, my oh my, river deep, mountain high, yeah, yeah..." "And you can trace a direct line back from Gradetski, through Schoenberg, Bach, all the way back to early religous music." "Erm, Gregorian chants and so forth." "Yes." "Plus ca change." "This music is enormously powerful." "Look at how film makers use classical music these days." "Take Peter Greenaway, for example." "Exactly." "If you take Michael Nyman music out of the average Peter Greenaway film, what are you left with?" "A series of empty images." "Yeah, I mean, but, Chris de Burgh did it, didn't he with "Lady in red"?" "I mean, that was a massive hit." "And then, Bryan Adams bust the record books wide open with, erm, that, er, time, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves - how'd it go? "I guess you know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you."" "I'll get me coat." "'Olidays are brilliant, aren't they?" "They last two weeks." "Two weeks!" "Or one if you want." "Or even just a weekend." "It don't ma'er." "Or if you've got time, a month!" "But maybe that's too long, eh?" "Anyway, the whole point of 'em is, that you don't 'ave to go to work!" "If you've got a job, that, is." "Huh!" "An' you can go t' foreign countries, any of 'em you like, like..." "France!" "Or that other one." "Huh!" "An' you go on a plane." "Planes are brilliant aren't they?" "Imagine what 'olidays must be like without 'em." "Huh!" "To get to France would take, like, years and years an' you'd 'ave 'ad to swim the channel with your suitcases." "An' your pyjamas would 'ave got all wet!" "Huh!" "But it's trap no more, 'cos you can get on a plane, and that's brilliant!" "An' some of 'em now go faster than the speed o' sound which is really brilliant!" "Cos that means, before you went, you could like, shout "hello!", and when you got there, if you really, really, listened, you could probably 'ear yourself far off an' distant, like, "hello!"." "Like an echo, "hello!"." "Aren't echoes brilliant!" "They're not a modern invention you just shout an' it comes back exactly t'same." "You don't 'ave to do owt - the mountain does it all for ya!" "Some mountains are volcanoes, and they really are brilliant." "See?" "Volcano, brilliant!" "Flooding, fantastic!" "Great big waves, brilliant!" "Lightning, brilliant!" "Forest fires, yeah!" "Tornadoes!" "They're brilliant!" "Best sound!" "Amazin'!" "Republicca presente... totalla bien cantesera..." "Chanel Nine!" "Bono estente." " Bono estente." "Lacremos escouta et thalio meeeeng!" "De puco a poco yich yah wich." "Na tandra milio Patagonia." " Ak nopo dopro filla whiskas." "Full-a-meaty goodness." "Regardo tip, "I say Foghorn Leghorn"." "I say, I say, I say, boy!" "Zelo zelo iscandente Mr Full, Bighardia!" "Nutra bend misticular, "traffic regulations"." "Pss-sshit la grado pik mit la fumbo, Chris Waddle." "Leka hallam no pereth que sandro polithia, "Na-na-na-na, Dixon"." "Dock Green." " Dopo." "Ennuncia mitos commerciale." "Deep massago sportsero." "Beneres?" "Nikko fuerto tippo magico te "Cielyn Gizmo"." "Novello proboscismo toh molto kinagraphos." "Vo, tidiaka mit fon shoni veronico." "Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "Cielyn Gizmo"." ""Ow-Cielyn-gizmo!"" "Sporto!" "Maya specifica footah." "Pedras a la lipsi tarintzi bocolos voy for sporting, Antonios Gubba." "Bono estente." "E resultos trio, section una." "Bombo Chipolata - zero, Club Athletico Vacuum - zero." "Dining Alternator - zero, Interupter Bastardo - zero." "AFC Silence - zero, Sporting Club BANG - zero." "Bicycle Dynamo - zero, Nina Bayer Sayer - zero." "Borussia Munchen Munchen Munchen Munchen Glad to be back" "Dockla Eff Cee - abandomon." "Violencia, fisti." "Badboys!" "Boutros, boutros ghali." "Antonios!" "He-he-he!" "Antonios, mentale!" "Fendra kettrick moutros maspandro unda chantiaklos mirage DVLC in Swansea." "Heth eth eth eth eth eth, eth eth eth eth eth eth, meth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, meteorologicos mit Poula!" "Hello!" "Classicos de para dos meterology a Valley Portos... scorchio!" "In lea por notra anterior... scorchio!" "E nu como a ta exterior... scorchio!" "Manto Blanco... scorchio!" "Coasta... scorchio!" "Metorologicos manyana..." "Oh - scorchio!" "Bono estente!" "B-o-n-o e-s-t-e-n-t-e!" "Ennadio." "Erectus petri kinnear domos te video television, Edwina Currie." "Netro." "Th-th-three gardo gardo puco." "Boutros, boutros ghali." " Boutros, boutros ghali." "You ain't seen me, right?" "Oh, you're going to Turkey?" "Oh, you lucky thing!" "Oh, we've been to Turkey, meself and Roy." "1990 we went to Turkey, '91" " Turkey, '92 - Turkey, '93" " Morecambe." "Ooh, it's norra patch on Turkey though, is it, Roy?" "Oh, I said it's not got the same atmosphere." "What did I say, Roy?" "It's not got the same atmosphere." "An' last time, there were a trip to some ruins." "I said, "We've not travelled two thousand miles to go an' see an eye-sore!"." "Oh, they did laugh." "What did they do, Roy?" "They did laugh." " You see?" "Oh, and one night, Roy tried 'is 'and on the karaoke." "I said, You've got a good voice, Roy, but no co-ordination." "What did I say, Roy?" "I've gorra good voice, but no co-ordination." "I mean, we're not big sun-worshippers, meself an' Roy we're big fans of the shade." "Oh!" "Roy come down in 'is shorts one day," "I said, "You look like an egg on legs"." "What did I say, Roy?" "I look like an egg on legs." "Oh, they did laugh 'round the pool." "Oh, but I got a really dicky tummy on the wednesday." "I said, "Ooh, Roy - me tummy's off!"." "What did I say, Roy?" "She said she could'a shit through the eye of a needle." "I did not say, "I could shit through the eye of a needle", Roy." "Hallo there, Bob Fleming here again." "Guess what?" "Today I'm doing a little bit of fishing." "Excuse me." "Now, what I've got here it's a, it's a nine foot... carbon rod... that's ideal for river trout fishing, and in fact..." "Oh, excuse me." "In fact, all general... purpose... fishing..." "Now, for me that's the perfect tool..." "It's the perfect tool for..." "It's the perfect tool for..." "Oh, that's got it!" "Yes..." "Yes, I'm..." "I am from the Isle of Man." "Police!" "Open the barriers!" "Move aside police!" "He's got a bloody motor!" "Quick, stop that van!" "Stop!" "Right then - out!" "Out!" "Come on, we're commandeering this vehicle." "Good work, sergeant." "Ooh, suits you, sir." "Suit you, sir." " Ooh, suits you, sir." "Were you out with a lady last night, sir?" "Ooh, did she want it, sir?" "Did she, sir?" "Did she?" "Did she want it, sir?" "Ooh, suits you, sir." "Suit you, sir." "Ooh!" "Tell you what, Dave, what I say is, in tough times you need a tough party." "For all their faults, the Conservatives, the only party get us out the mess we're in now." "Yeah." "Tories get my vote every time." "But it was them that got us in the mess in the first place!" "Yeah, er, yeah that's what I'm sayin'." "Yeah, you know what I say?" "Give Labour a chance!" "Labour?" "They couldn't run a piss-up in a brewery!" "That's what I'm sayin', yeah, you know, they've been too long on the sidelines, ain't they?" "No, you know, it's got to be the Tories." "Well, I say we need some fresh blood." "You've 'it the nail on the 'ead, Del!" "Yeah, fresh blood, that's what we need." "Tories." "Labour." "Well, what about the Lib-Dems?" "You took the words out me mouth, Tone." "Lib-Dems!" "Party with a bit of integrity, decent bloke at the 'elm." "What, Paddy Pants-down?" "Yeah, he's pathetic innie." "I'll tell you what, they're all a bunch of spineless, dishonest bastards." "There's not one of 'em I trust or respect." "'cept that David Blunkett." "David Blunkett?" "No, he's a disgrace, innie?" "There you go, lads." "Three pints of lager, that's five pounds seventy." "Five pound seventy for three pints of lager?" "Talk silly!" "I mean, what's it cost to make a pint o' lager, lad" "Three p?" "Just a load o' water and some chemicals mixed up in a bloody great vat!" "It's not that simple, Dave." "Course not, no." "You got your transportation cost and other things." "Tony 'ere's got to make a decent wage, then there's your tax." "No, cheers... very good value." "Hi, I'm Ed Winchester." "Right, day four." "The for..." "Hi, Diane." "Day four, the forest." "Now, this section up through here looks pretty impassable" "I don't know if you can get a shot of it, Baz." "Should really test The Beast through there." "Thar she blows, Baz!" "Thar she blows, indeed." "We've got eight miles of sweat and terror through there." "There's a couple of mean gulleys, a bitch of a hill, and what could only be described as the mother of all ditches." "Huh!" "No problems for us then, eh, Si?" "It is sorted." "It's gripped!" "Let's off-road!" "Baz!" "Baz!" "Stand back, you pillock, we'll flatten you!" "I think we past a farm about five miles back, Baz." "I'll... see if they've got a tractor." "Using a Bunsen burner, we heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees centigrade." "That's human body temperature." "It tastes revolting!" "Now, Dave and subvectors." "Dave." "You ain't seen me, right?" "Come to the Isle of Man!" "Man." "Please." "Don't miss on next week's show," ""The Cheery Milkman"." "Morning Mrs. B." "I've left you two as usual!" "Shame about that nice Mrs. Cox, wannit?" "In the maisonettes?" "It was three weeks before they found her." "There were milk bottles piling up outside " "I couldn't get any more in the porch." "They had to cut 'er off the mattress." "Still, never mind!" "Also next week," ""The Annoying Irishman"." "Helloo, helloo!" "Moi name is Tim O'Tei, and I wash me hair ev'ry day!" "And finally next week, a selection of religious readings by Peter Shrews, assistant team coach of Chelsea football club." "Our Father, which art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, forgive us our... tres-passes, as, er, we forgive... summink about trespasses," "and then there's a bit about bread." "Amen."