"Hey, you reached Doug." "Sorry, I missed your call." "Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you." "Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Prime Dentistry." "Please leave a message after the..." "Hey, it's Phil." "Leave me a message, or don't... do me a favor, don't text me, it's gay." "Anything?" "I tried them all." "It keeps going straight to voice mail." "Well, there has to be an explanation." "Sweety, it's Vegas, you'll lose track of time in those casinos... there's no windows, there's no clocks." "He's probably on a heater." "And you never walk away from the table... when you're on a heater." "You do, if you're getting married." "Hello?" "Tracy, it's Phil." "Phil, where the hell are you guys?" "I'm freaking out." "Yea, listen, uh... we fucked up." "What're you talking about?" "The bachelor party, the whole night, it... it got outta control and, uh... we lost Doug." " What?" " We can't find Doug." "What're you saying, Phil?" "We're getting married in 5 hours." "Yeah... that's not gonna happen." "~ I didn't know what you'd do!" " Right." "Okeydoke." "Whoa, watch it pervert!" "It's okay Alan, he's just doing your inseam." "But he's getting very close to my shaft." "All set." "You can change now." "Thanks, Floyd." "Thank you very much." "Alright, buddy." "We should get a move on." "You know, Doug." "I was thinking..." "If you wanna go to Vegas without me it's totally cool, you know." " What're you talking about?" " Well..." "Phil and Stu, they're your buddies and it's your bachelor party and..." "Come on, Alan..." "those two love you." "I..." "I just don't want you to feel like you have to hold back... because your wife's brother is there." "It's not like that..." "It's not like that." "I already told you, Alan, okay?" "We're just spending the night in Vegas." "It's no big deal." "Besides, you're not just..." "my wife's brother, you're my brother now." "I want you to know, Doug, I'm..." "I'm a steel-trap." "Whatever happens tonight," "I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it." "Okay, I got it." "Thank you." "I don't think that's..." "Seriously, I don't care what happens." "I don't care if we kill someone." "What?" "You heard me." "It's Sin City." "I won't tell a soul." "Okay, I got it." " Thank you." " No, thank you." "I love you so much." "No..." "Sid." " Really?" " Come on." "You're family now." "Are you sure?" "I mean, you love this car." "Doug, it's just a car, just make sure when you get there... put some armor on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in." " Absolutely." "That's easy." " Oh, and, uh... don't let Alan drive, because, there's something wrong with him." " Understood." " And Phil either, I don't like him." "I will be the only one driving this car." "I promise." "Good." "Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays... in Vegas." "Ahh... ha, ha." "Except for Herpes." "That shit'll come back with you." "All right, well, hold on... hold on, I still need some of your permission slips." "And 90 dollars for the field trip to the Griffith observatory next weekend." "Pay now, or forever regret missing out on this experience of a lifetime, guys." " You're good." "You got it." " Thank you Mr. Wenneck." "Thank you, Wilson." "Thanks, Bobby." " Do you have to park so close?" " Yeah, what's wrong?" "I shouldn't be here." "Why is that Alan?" "I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school." " What?" " Or a Chuck E. Cheese." " Hey, Mr. Wenneck." " It's the weekend, Nick." "I don't know you, you do not exist." " Shit." " Ha, ha, ha." " Nice car." " Yeah." " I'm driving." " Oh..." "No chance, but..." "Don't step on that, god." "Watch the leather..." "Will you shut up and drive before one of these nerds ask me another question." " Who's this?" " Alan..." "Tracy's brother." " I met you like, four times." " Oh, yeah, how you doin', man?" " Don't forget your Rogaine." " Rogaine, check." "And don't forget to use it." "I can totally tell when you forget." "Your hair just looks thinner." "Using of the Rogaine... check." "And make sure to call me right when you get to the hotel, not like that..." "Conference in Phoenix." "I had to wait two hours for you to call me." "I was the keynote speaker." "I was late to the podium." " Still..." " Yeah, you're totally right." "I'm sorry." " What is the matter?" " I don't know." "I just know you're gonna go to a strip club when you're out there." "Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley." "I don't even think they have strip clubs in wine country." "I'm sure if there is one, Phil will sniff it out." "It's not gonna be like that." "Besides, you know how I feel about that sort of thing." "I know, it's just, boys and their bachelor parties." "It's gross." "You're right." "It is... gross." " Not to mention it's pathetic." " Hm'hm." " Those places are filthy." " Yeah." "And the worst part is... that little girl... grinding and dry humping the fucking stage up there." " That's somebody's daughter up there." " Somebody's daughter up there." " I was just gonna say that." " See?" "I just wish your friends were as mature as you." "They are mature, actually." "You just have to get to know them better." "Paging Doctor Faggot." "Doctor Faggot." " I should go." " That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot." "Have a good weekend." "I'll miss you." "Whoa!" "Road trip!" "Hey, Vegas!" "Vegas, baby." "Vegas." "Cheer up!" "Come on, just 'till Barstow." "Everybody's passing us." "Absolutely not." "I promised Sid, I will be the only one driving this car." " Besides you're drinking." " Oh, what're you, a cop now?" "Come on, you know I drive great when I'm drunk." "That's true." "Don't forget Phil was always our designated drunk driver." "You wanna explain to them, Alan?" "Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so yeah." "Oh, whatever, look I left my wife and my kid at home... so I can go with you guys to Vegas." "You know how difficult that was?" " That's really sweet, Phil." " Yeah." "Dude, I was being sarcastic." "I fucking hate my life." "I may never go back." "I might just stay in Vegas." "Here we go." "You know what, Doug?" "You should enjoy yourself, because... come saturday you're gonna start dying... a little bit... everyday." " Yeah..." " Alright." "That's why I managed to stay single this whole time, you know." " Oh really?" "That's why you're single?" " Yeah." "Cool." "Good to know." "Am I alright over there, Alan?" " Yeah, you're good." " Alright." " Jesus Christ!" " Oh, my God." " That was awesome." " That was not awesome!" " Yes." " What's wrong with you." "That was insane." "We almost just died." "But you should've seen your face, just classic." "That's funny." "It's not funny." "oh my, you've got a sweet ride there." "Don't touch it." "Don't even look at it." "Go on." "Get out." "You heard me." "Don't look at me either." "Yeah..." "you better walk on." " He's actually kinda funny." " Yeah, he means well." "I'll hit an old man in public." "Is he all there..." "like, mentally?" "I think so, he's just an odd guy and he's kinda weird." " I mean, should we be worried?" " No." " Alright." " No." "Tracy did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble or drink to much." "Jesus, he's like a gremlin." "Comes with instructions and shit." "And one water." " All good with Melissa?" " Oh, yeah..." "I told her we're 2 hours outside the wine country, and she bought it." "Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship... for 3 years and you still have to lie, about going to Vegas." "Yeah, I do." "But, trust me..." " it's not worth the fight." " Oh... so, you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bellhop..." " on a Carnival cruise line." " Hey." "Okay, first of all, he was a bartender... and she was wasted." "And if you must know, he didn't even come inside her." " And you believe that?" " Uh... yeah I do believe that... because she's grossed out by semen." "That'll be thirty-two-fifty." "It's thirty-two-fifty, I'll pay for it." "It says here we should work in teams." "Who wants to be my spotter?" "I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan." "Gambling?" "Who said anything about gambling?" "It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win." "Counting cards is a foolproof system." " It's also illegal." " It's not illegal." "It's frowned upon, like..." "masturbating on an airplane." "I'm pretty sure that's illegal too." "Yeah, maybe after... 9/11, where everybody gets too sensitive." "Thanks a lot, Bin Laden." "Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?" " Oh, really?" " It's not easy." "Okay, maybe we should tell that to rain man... because he practically bankrupted a casino and he was a 'ratard'." "What?" "He was a 'ratard'." "Retard." "Here we go." " Hi, welcome to Caesar's." " Hi." " Checking in?" " Yeah." " We have a reservation under Dr. Price." " Okay, let me look that up for you." "Dr. Price?" "Stu, you're a dentist." "And don't try and get fancy." " It's not fancy if it's true." " He's a dentist." "Don't get too excited." "And if, uh, someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911." "We'll be sure to do that." "Can I ask you a question?" "Do you know if the hotel..." " is pager-friendly?" " What do you mean?" " I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper." " I'm not sure." "Is there a pay-phone bank?" "Bunch of pay-phones?" "Business." " Um... there's a phone in your room." " That'll work." "Sir, I have you in a 2 bedroom suite on the 12th floor, is that okay?" " Sounds perfect." " Actually, I was wondering..." " if you have any villas available." " Phil..." " we're not even gonna be in the room." " Not necessary." "It's no big deal, we can share beds, one night." "If we share beds, I'm bunking with Phil." " You good with that?" " No, I'm not good with that." "Guys, we're not sharing beds." "What're we 12 years olds?" "Lisa, I appologize." "How much is the villa?" "Well, we have one villa available, and it's 42 hundred for the night." " Is it awesome?" " It's pretty awesome." "We'll take it." " Give her your credit card." " I can't give her my credit card." " We'll split it." " Are you crazy?" "No, this is on us." "You don't get it." "Melissa checks my statements." "Well, we just need a credit card on file." "We won't charge you anything until you check out." " So you can figure it out then." " Perfect." "That's Perfect." "Thank you, Lisa." "Then we'll deal with it tomorrow, come on." "Fine." " Can I ask you another question?" " Sure." "You probably get this a lot." "This isn't the real Caesar's Palace, is it?" "What do you mean?" "Did... huh'um..." " did Caesar live here?" " Um... no." "I didn't think so." "Holy shit." "This is Vegas." "Oh, my..." "This place is enormous." "Now we're talking." "It's all one suite?" "Thank you, guys." "Or should I say thank you, Stu." "You're welcome." "It's only because I love you." "Okay, ladies, pick a room." "Get dressed." "Be ready in 30 minutes." "I just wish you could see this place, because you, of all people... would love it." "Yeah... it's so great." "Yeah... and there's no TV's, no phones." "They just have this cute little antique radios in all the rooms." "Yeah..." "Well, um..." "We met the... uh, proprietor." "What's his name?" "Um..." "Ceasar..." "Palatche." "Yeah, like the salad." "Okay, well listen, I gotta go... because we're gonna hit this wine tasting..." "Okay, wait, wait, wait." "I love you... okay." "Bye." "I rather not say anything." "It's so embarassing." " Where's Alan?" " He... uh, he went downstairs." "He said he would grab a few things." "Good, because I..." "have something... to show you." "Oh, oh..." " What the hell is that?" " What'd you think it is?" "If it's what I think it is." "I think it's a big fucking mistake." "I'm gonna proposed to Melissa at your wedding." "After the ceremony." " Stuey, congratulations." " Thank you, Doug." " That's a beautiful ring." " Yeah, it's my grandmother's." "She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing." "It's legit." "I don't get it." "Wait, have you not listen to anything I've ever said?" "Phil, we've been dating for 3 years." "It's time, it's how it works." "A, that is bullshit and B, she is a complete bitch." "Hey, that's his fiance." "It's true." "You know it's true." "She beats him." "That was twice and I was outta line." "She's strong-willed..." "and I respect that." "Wow, wow." "He's in denial." "Not to mention she fucked a sailor." "Hey, he wasn't a sailor." "He was a bartender... on a cruise ship." "You know that." "Guys, just..." "I'm standing right here, so I can hear everything that you're saying." "Hey, guys, you ready to let the dogs out?" "What?" "Do what?" "Let the dogs out." "You know, like," "¶ who let the dogs out?" "Who?" "Who?" "¶" "Who brought this guy along?" "Yes, Alan, we're ready to let the dogs out." "Hey, congrats." "Thank you." "¶ Who let the dogs out?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "¶" " ¶ Who let the dogs out?" " Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "¶" "¶ Who let the dogs out?" "¶" "You're not really wearing that, are you?" " Wearing what?" " The man purse." "You're actually gonna wear that, or you guys just fuckin' with me?" "It's where I keep all my things." "I get a lotta compliments on this." "Plus it's not a man purse." "It's called a satchel." "Indiana Jones wears one." "So does Joy Behar." " We're going up, guys." " Yeah, that's perfect." "Really?" "We're going up?" "I'm just saying it's clearly marked, okay?" "We're definitely not supposed to be up here." "Oh, come on, Stu." "We're paying for a villa." "We can do whatever the fuck we want." " Yeah, but..." " Just wedge the door up." "Guys, come on up here." "Fine." "How the hell did you find this place?" "Don't worry about it." "Whoa..." " You alright?" " Yeah." "Look at the view up here." "You happy?" " This is great." " Wow..." "Are you kidding?" " Alan, how we're doing, buddy?" " Good." "What'd you got over there, Alan?" "That's the Eiffel Tower." "Oh, oh..." " A little Jägermeister." "Good idea." " Good call." "On the roof." "Um..." "Now, this is good." "I'd..." "I like to make a toast." "To Doug and Tracy." "May tonight be... but a minor speed-bump... in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage." " Cheers." " Cheers." " Hm'hm." " That was sweet." " It's like college." " Alright..." " I wanna talk about something." " Alright." " I wanted to..." " I like to..." "I like to say something." " That I prepared... tonight." " Alright, Alan." "Hello." "How about that ride in." "I guess that's why they call it Sin City." "Ha-ha-ha." "You guys might not know this, but I considered myself a bit of a loner." "I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack." "But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own." "And my wolf pack, it grew by one." "So, were the two of us, there were two of us in the wolf pack." "I was alone at first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later." "And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys..." "I thought, "Wait a second." "Could it be...?"" "And now I know for sure." "I just added two more guys to my wolf pack." " Alright." " Alright." "Four of us wolves." "Running around the desert together." "In Las Vegas." "Looking for strippers and cocaine." " So tonight, I make a toast." " Yes!" " What'd you got there?" " Whoa..." "Hold on..." "Whoa." " What the fuck is this?" " What're you doing?" " What is that?" " Blood brothers." " You know guy?" "Don't do that." " God damn it." " Alan, no, don't do it." " No..." "I'm not doing that." "Make him stop." "Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves." "Give me the knife." "Slowly." "Thank you." " Thank you very much." " You alright?" "Are you okay?" "Do you need a doctor?" " He's fine." "He's good." " You sure?" " I'm good." " Perfect." "Alan, come here, buddy." "Get in here, crazy." "Alright." "To a night... the four of us will never forget." "Cheers." "What the fuck?" "Control yourself, man." "God damn." "Will you put on some pants?" " Phil, do not go in the bathroom." " Alan, just calm down." "It's me." "Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom." "What's going on?" "There's a jungle cat in the bathroom." "Okay, I'll check..." "I'll check it out." "Be careful." "Don't go." "Holy fuck." "He's not kidding." "There's a tiger in there." " No, there isn't." " Yeah." "That bitch is gigantic." " You okay, buddy?" " No." "I'm in so much pain right now." "God damn." "Look at this place." "I know." "Phil, they have my credit card downstairs." "I'm so screwed." "How the hell did a tiger get in the bathroom?" "It almost killed me." "Hey bro, do you mind putting on some pants?" "I find it a little weird I have to ask twice." "Pants, at a time like this?" "I dont have any." "What the fuck happened last night." "Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?" "Let's see, holy shit..." "Oh, my god." "My lateral incisor, it's gone." "Okay, we just need to calm down." "We're fine." "Everything's fine." "Alan, go wake up Doug." "Let's just get some coffee and get the fuck outta Nevada... before house-keeping shows up." "What am I gonna tell Melissa?" "I lost a tooth." "I have no idea how it happened." "Alright, take it easy, you freaking me out, man." "I got a massive headache." "Let's just calm down." "How am I supposed to calm down?" "Look around you." "Hey, guys, he's not in there." " Did you check all the rooms?" " Yeah, I looked everywhere." " Plus his mattress is gone." " Well, whatever..." "He probably went to the pool to get something to eat." "I'll call his cell." "I look like a nerdy hillbilly." "Hello?" " Alan." " Hey." " It's Phil." " Oh, hey Phil..." "This is Doug's phone, that's Doug's phone." " No shit." " Yeah." "What the fuck is that?" "Who's fuckin' baby is that?" "Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?" "Yeah, I checked all the rooms." "No one's here." "Check its collar or something." "Shh... shh..." "It's okay, baby." "Stu, we don't have time for this." "Let's go hook up with Doug." "We'll deal with the baby later." "Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room." "There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom." " It's not our baby." " Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one." "Alright, fine." "We'll take it with us." "Can you at least find some pants?" "Why can't we remember a god damned thing... from last night?" "Because we obviously had a great fucking time." "Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute." "Be proud of yourself." "Oh, how cute." "What's his name?" "Ben." "Carlos." "Carlos?" "Hey, Phil, look." "He's jacking his little weenis." "Pull yourself together, man." "Not at the table, Carlos." "I looked everywhere." "Gym, casino, front desk nobody seen Doug." "He's not here." "He's fine." "He's a grown man." "Seriously..." "Stu, you gotta calm down." "Here, have some juice." "Okay, alright, listen..." "let's just track this thing." "Alright, what's the last thing we remember doing last night?" "Well, the first thing was we're on the roof... and we're having shots of Jäger." "And then we had dinner at The Palm, right?" "That's right." "Then we play crabs at the Hard Rock and I think..." "Doug was there." " That sounds right." " No, no, no, no, he definitely was." "You know what, guys?" "I don't even remember going to dinner." "I know." "What the fuck?" "I don't think I've ever been this hungover." "After the Hard Rock I blacked out." "It was like emptiness." "Okay..." "We have him until 10 pm, so that gives us... a twelve hour window where we could've lost him." "What is this?" "Oh, my god." "That is my tooth." "Why do you have that?" " What else is in your pocket?" " No, it's a good thing." "No, no, check your pockets." "Check your pockets." "Do you have anything?" "I have an ATM receipt from The Bellagio." "11:05 for 800 dollars." "I am so fucked." "I have a valet ticket from Caesar's." "Looks like we got in at 5:15 am." "Holy, shit." "We drove last night?" "Driving drunk." "Classic." "What's that on your arm?" "What the fuck?" "Jesus, Phil, you were in the hospital last night." " I guess so, yeah." " You okay?" "Yeah, Alan." "I'm fine." "What the hell is going on?" "Stu, Stu, this is a good thing." "We have a lead now." "Hey, Stu." "Watch this." "You ever seen a baby do that?" "Alan..." "not cool." "So... uh... you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?" "What're you talkin' about?" "I found a baby before." " You found a baby before?" " Yeah." " Where?" " Coffee Bean." " Wait." " What?" "Hey Phil, look, I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes." "Relax we'll be careful." "My dad is crazy about that car and he left Doug in charge." "Alan... we got bigger problems here." "Doug could be in hospital." "He could be hurt, okay?" "Let's worry about the car later," "Alright, guys..." "check it out." "Is that the mattress from Doug's room?" "What the fuck?" "Hey, what..." "what's going on?" "Some asshole threw his bed off the window last night." " No shit." " Yeah." "Some guys just can't handle Vegas." "It's gonna be okay, Stu." "How the hell did we manage..." "Here's your car, officers." "Oh, god." "Alright, everybody act cool, and don't say a word." "Let's just get in and go." "Alright." " Stu, you got a five?" " No." "I'll get you on the way back." "Thank you, sir." "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god." "You just nailed the baby." "Are my glasses okay?" "Your glasses are fine, dick." "This is so illegal." "Can't you see the fun part in anything?" "Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car..." "With what is sure to be a missing child in the back seat." "Which part of this is fun?" "I think the cop car part is pretty cool." "Thank you, Alan." "It is cool." "Doug would love it." "Come on." "Check this out." "Oh, no, don't, Phil don't." "Don't do this." "Take it easy." "Just don't try to call more attention to us." "Attention." "Sorry." "Attention, please." "Move outta the way." "I repeat." "Please disperse." "Phil, I wanna get out." "I wanna get out, stop." "Phil, I wanna get out, pull over." "Ma'm, in the leopard dress... you have an amazing rack." "Get off the sidewalk." "Get off the sidewalk." "I should've been a fuckin' cop." "Hey!" "Look, I already told you." "You came in here with a mild concussion, some bruised ribs." "No big deal." "Although none of you could articulate, how it happened." "You remember how many of us were here?" "Uh..." "I don't know." "I think it was just you guys." "Definitely no baby." "And one other guy." "That's our guy." "Was he okay?" "Yep, he was fine." "Just whacked out of his mind." "You all were." "Alright." "Come forward." "And turn." "Alright, here we go." "And cough." "Cough." "Give me one more." "Alright." "Attaboy." "Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on." "and... uh, the nurse will be here in a minute." "I'll see you after the weekend." "Fine, thank you, thank you, doctor." "Guys, I really gotta go." "I'm sorry." "I have a surgery up on the 4th floor." "I know." "We just need a couple more minutes of your time." "Yeah, tuck it right in there." "I don't wanna resterilize." "Walk with me." "Okay, here we go." "Patient name Phil Wenneck." "2:45 am. arrival." "Minor concussion like I said." "Some bruising." "Pretty standard." "Do you mind if I take a look." "I'm actually a doctor." "Yeah, you said that several times last night." "But, really, you're just a dentist." "Okay, this is interesting." "Your blood work came in this morning." "Well?" "They found a large amount of Roophyllin in your system." "Rooph..." "Roophyllin?" "Roofies?" "Commonly known as the "Date Rape Drug?"" "What?" "Are you saying I was raped last night?" "Actually..." "I don't think so." "But..." "someone did slip you the drug." "I'm not surprised you don't remember anything." "Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night." "You remember?" "Yeah, how could someone drugged all of us?" "Look, I wouldn't worry about it, guys." "By now the stuff is outta your system." "You're gonna be fine." "I have to go." "No, no, no, wait, please doctor." "Is there anything else like something... we may have been talking about?" "Or some place we were going?" "Actually there was something." "You guys kept talking about some wedding last night." "Yeah." "No shit." "Our buddy Doug is getting married tomorrow." " You know what?" "I want the 100 back." " No, no, no." "Easy." "You kept talking about some wedding that you just came from." "At the Best Little Chapel." "You guys kept saying how sick the wedding was... and getting all crazy about it, okay?" "I hope this helps, fellas." "I really have to leave." "Wait, do you know Best Little Chapel?" "You know where that is?" "I do." "It's on the corner of..." ""get a map' and 'fuck off"." "I'm a doctor, not a tour guide." "Figure it out yourself, okay?" "You're big boys." "What about the baby?" "Just leave him in the car." "We're only gonna be 5 minutes." " We're not leaving a baby in the car." " He'll be fine." "I cracked the window." " What if they don't remember us." " Well, let's just find out." " Excuse me sir." " Oh, ha, ha, ha..." "Look at these guys." "What happened?" "You miss me?" "You miss Eddie." "You want more from me?" "Come here, my friend." "Look at this guy." "You fuckin' crazy." "What's going on, man?" "Listen, I wanna tell you something." "I know some sick people in my life." "This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard, I ever met in my life." " Who, this guy?" " This guy is out of his mind." "What's going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker?" "I thought he was gonna eat my dick." "What happened?" "No love for Eddie?" "You don't hug me?" "No, no, it's not that, Eddie." "It's just that..." "We're having a hard time remembering... what happened here last night." "Yeah, was there..." "was there a wedding here?" "You do weddings here?" "You're cracking my balls, man." "Eddie, I mean, obviously we were here last night and... we're looking for a friend, Doug." "You remember him?" " Yeah, the small guy." "Like a monkey." " Mh'hm." "Yeah." " You saw him?" " Of course." "Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?" "You don't remember nothing?" "Congratulations, Stu." "You've gotten married." "Ugh..." "This can't be happening." "Oh, god." "Oh..." "I tell you one thing." "You looked seriously happy here, man." "That's it." "My life is over." "Stu, it's okay." "Shit happens." "Come on, Melissa's not gonna know anything about this." "This never happened." " I'll take care of it." " Come on, bring it here." "Hey, what's all that?" "The high-roller package." "It's what you guys ordered." "I have coffee mugs." "You have baseball caps, huh?" "And fancy calendars all with pictures of Stu and Jade." " Her name's Jade?" " Yeah, she's beautiful, man." "Clean." "Very tight." "Tits, like that." "But that's because she had a baby." " That explains the baby." " Oh, Carlos, Carlos." "Great." "Alright." "Eddie, here's the deal." "We made a major mistake last night." "We need to get this marriage annuled immediately." " You do annulments?" " Of course I do annulments." "It breaks my heart and gonna make me very sad." "But it's not a problem." "I'm gonna make a very good price for you." "I can't do it with just him though." "I need the chick." "I need both parties." "Not a problem." "That's great." "Isn't that great, Stu?" "C'mon, buddy." "And she probably knows where Doug is." " Awesome." " Alright, alright." "Okay... uh..." "We need her address." "She must have filled out some paperwork, right?" "Of course." "Hey, excuse me." "What's the matter with you?" "Go get the paperwork now." "I've spent my life waiting for you." "Come on, come on, And get the bakhala, please." "Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?" "I'm sure Doug has it." "We'll get it back." "Then I vote we torch the cop car and all the shit with it." "Torch it?" "Who are you?" "I don't know, Phil." "Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers." "This whole situation is completely fucked." " These mugs." "This hat." " Hey." "This car." "It's all evidence of a night that never happened." "That is why we're torching all of it." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm a school teacher." "I got a family." "Okay." "I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a fucking cop car." "Fine." "I'll do it." " Can I help?" " Yeah." "Thanks." " Shit." "Is it Doug?" " I don't have it." "It's Doug..." "Doug." " Ahh... it's Melissa." " Don't answer it." "I have to." "She's called twice already." " Alright, alright, talk to her." " Hey, sweetheart." "How are you?" "There you are." "It's the third time I'm trying you." "I know." "The receptions up here is crazy." "I think it's all the sequoia trees, it blocks the signal." "Oh, I hate that." "So, how was it last night?" "Oh, it was fun actually... kinda quiet..." "it was a good time." "That sounds nice." "We're in all kinds of vino factoids." "It's so cool how they breast-feed, you know." "So, listen... um..." "We're gonna go for a tractor ride." "So I should probably get going." " A tractor ride?" " So pretty." "Come on." "Get outta the car." " What's that?" " They just started up the tractor." "I think it backfired." "Where the hell is he?" "Hey, easy, easy, I think we're looking for the same guy, okay?" "Hey... what the hell, man?" "What the fuck, Stu?" "Is that a baby?" "How could this be a baby?" "We're at a winery, they just got goats." "Where is he?" "I..." "I don't know who you're talking about." "Sir, could you please start the tractor so we can get out of here?" "I'm trying to but we're fucking blocked." "Oh, my god." "What the hell is happening, Stu?" "Hey, there's a baby on board!" "Someone just said baby." " Get outta the car." " It's a baby goat." "Chinese guy, why you're making trouble for my business, man." " Go away from here now." " Get outta the fuckin' car." " Phil, he's got a gun." " No shit he's gotta gun." "I gotta call you back." "Bye." " Shut your mouth." " Fuck you." " They shot Eddie." " Fuck this shit." "Go, go, go." "Go!" "Go, go, go, go!" " Fuck." " Okay." " Phew, serious shit." " Who were those guys?" "We'll be okay." "everything's okay, alright?" "What the fuck is going on?" "I have no idea." "Why don't you just let that one go to voice mail?" "That's a fake laugh, by the way." "It's got... uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that jewish actor." "Shut up, Alan." "What room was it again?" "825." "I already checked with her." "I found him." "I call you back." "Thank god." "He's with his father." "I was freakin' out." "I missed you, sweety." "Honey, I missed you." "What the hell happened to you guys?" "Actually, we were hoping you could tell us." "What do you mean?" "I got up this morning." "I went to get you guys some coffee, and I came back and you were gone." "Why are you being so quiet?" "Am I being quiet?" "He's so cute." "I gotta feed Tyler." "Come inside, you guys." "Did you hear that?" "The baby's name is Tyler." "I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, buddy." "Okay, what's up." "You guys are acting weird." " Look, it's Jade, right?" " Very funny, Phil." "Right, Jade." "Uh." "Do you remember our friend, Doug?" "Are you kidding?" "He was the best man in our wedding." "Exactly." "We can't find him and we got a little worried." "Oh, my god." "That is so Doug." "I'm gonna go clean him up." "It's alright." "Daddy didn't mean it." "Oh, my god." "What the fuck, man?" "You gotta hold it together." "Holy shit." "She is super hot, you should be proud of yourself." "She is wearing my grandmother's ring." " What?" " The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa." "Remember my grandmother's holocaust ring?" " Fuck." " She's wearing it." "I didn't know they gave out rings at the holocaust." " He's okay." " Oh, good." " He was just hungry." " Oh, that's good." "Uh..." "About last night." "Um..." "Do you remember the last time you saw Doug?" "Uh..." "I haven't seen him since the wedding." "The wedding." "Okay." "And, uh..." " What time was that at?" " Well... it was um..." "I guess it was around one." "Because I had to go back to work and finish my shift." "And then when I got out, I headed over to the hotel with Tyler." "And was Doug there then?" "I didn't see Doug." "You guys were passed out." "The room was a wreck." "So I just curled up next to Stu." " Ah'ha." " Right." "I got a question." "Um..." "You said when your shift ended." "Does that mean you're a nurse?" "Or a... blackjack dealer?" " You know this." "I'm a stripper." " Mh'hm." "Well, technically I'm an escort, but stripping is a great way to meet the clients." "Smart." "Savvy." "But that's all in the past, now that I married a doctor." "I'm just a dentist." " Police." "Freeze!" " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Shut that baby up." "Shut that baby up." "Okay." "Okay." "So, after we take the mugshot, we bring'em on down here... where they wait to be interviewed... by the arresting officers." "Trust me, kids." "You do not wanna be sitting on these benches." "We call this place "Loserville"." "Follow me." "Alright." "Hello." "Hey Tracy, it's Phil." "Hey, Phil." "Where are you guys?" "We are at the spa, at the hotel." "Cool, I'm just getting some sun." "Is Doug around?" "Of course he's around." "Why wouldn't he be around?" "I mean, I'm just wondering why you're calling me." "Um..." "We made a deal, no talking to girlfriends or wifes." "So..." "We all call each other's." " Okay." "What's up?" " Um... you are not gonna believe this." "We got comped an extra night at the hotel." "You did?" "Yeah." "The suite..." "It's ridiculous!" "It's out of control!" "It's with room service and a butler." "there is no words, so..." "We figured to spent the night here and then..." "We're just gonna come back totally relax in the morning." "You wanna stay an extra night?" "But the wedding is tomorrow." "Yeah, that's why we're gonna get up real early and..." "We'll be back in plenty of time." "Okay, you sure that's a good idea?" "Wenneck, Price, Garner, Room 3." "Okay, Trace, I gotta go." "Talk to you later." " Come on, come on." "Chop, chop." " Spin around, spin around." " Wait a second." " I'll go over it." "I'll go over." " Hold on, I need to get back down." " You got it?" " Yeah." " There we go." "Gentlemen." "We got some good news... and we got some bad news." "The good news is, we found your Mercedes." " Oh, that's great news." " It's great, hm?" "It's over in impound right now." "We picked it up at 5 am this morning." "Parked in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd." " Huh, that's weird." " Yeah." "It is weird." "There's also a note." "It says, "couldn't find the meter, but here's 4 bucks. "" "The bad news is..." "We can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning." "Oh... uh..." "Officer that's just impossible." "We need to be in L.A tomorrow for a wedding." "You stole a police car." "We didn't steal anything." "Um... we found it." "Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward or something." "Like a trophy?" "I see assholes like you everyday." "Every fucking day." "Let's go to Vegas." "We all get drunk and get laid." "Let's steal a cop car, 'cause it'll be really fucking funny." "You think you gonna get away with it?" "Not up in here!" "Not up in here!" " Oh." " Uh..." "Sir..." "If I may... um, I'm assuming that that squad car  belongs to one of you." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Look." "I'm not a cop." "I'm no hero." "I'm a school teacher." "But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip..." "That would look really bad on me." "What're you getting at?" "Yeah, Phil." "What're you getting at?" "No one wants to look bad." "We gotta get to a wedding." "And you guys don't need people talking about how some obnoxious tourist..." "Borrowed his squad car last night." "Look, the point is," "I think we can work out a deal." "Discretely of course, ma'm." "What'd you say?" "Let me ask you a question." "Do any of you gentlemen have a heart conditon, or anything like that?" " Uh'uh." " Nope." "Okay, kids." "You're in for a real treat today." "These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate..." "How a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect." " Wait a second..." " It's what?" "Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun." "Up close and personal." " Or..." " What the fuck." "you can shoot it from a distance." "Now... do I have any volunteers who wanna come up here to do some shooting, huh?" "How about you, young lady." "Come on up here." "Alright..." "Let's go, handsome!" "Come on." "Not you, fat Jesus." "Slide it on back." "You, pretty boy." "Alright, now..." "It's real simple." "All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot." " Alright?" " Okay..." "You don't really wanna do this." "You can do this." "Just focus." "Don't listen to this maniac." "Let's think this thing through." "Finish him!" "Right in the nuts." "That was beautiful." " Well done." "Give her a hand, everybody." " Alright." "Good job." "Good job." "Well done." "Good job." "That was great." "Hey, we got one more charge left." "Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?" "How about you, big man." "Come on up here." "Okay." "Same instructions." "Just point, aim, and shoot." "There you go." "That's the stuff." "I like the intensity." "Eye the tiger." "Good." "You're holding 50.000 volts, little man." "Don't be afraid to ride the lightning." " Stop." " In the face." " In the face." " Stop." "Oh, oh..." "He's still up." "Alright, everybody relax." "Take it easy." "We've seen it before." "He just need a little extra charge." "There we go." "Some of these big boys." "You gotta give them 2 shots." "Alright, kids." "Who wants to get their fingerprints done?" "Come on." "Let's go." "Fuck those guys." "Do you hear me?" "That was bullshit." "I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car." "He let us go." "Who cares." "I care." "You can't just do that." "You can't just tase people." "Because you..." "you think it's funny." "That's police brutality." "I'm getting a soda." "You guys want anything?" "No." "That man doesn't shut up." "Jesus Christ." "Alan, you okay?" "I'm just worried." "What if something happened to Doug." "Something bad." "Oh, come on, you can't think like that." "What if he's dead?" "I can't afford to lose anybody close to me again." "It hurts too much." "I was so upset when my grandpa died." "Oh." "How did he die?" " World War II." " Died in the battle?" "No, he was skiing in Vermont." "It just was during World War II." "Alan..." "Doug is fine." "But why hasn't he called?" "I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out." "I'll tell you another thing." "6 to 1 odds, our car is beat to shit." " Stu, not now." " No, seriously, how much you wanna bet?" "It's like fucked up, beyond all recognition..." "That's enough, Stu." "Alan is seriously worried, okay?" "Let's not freak him out anymore." "I'm sorry, Alan." "You know what?" "We'll search the car for clues, and... everything's gonna be okay." "Oh, shit." "I can't look at it." "I can't look." "I can't look." " Wow." " Oh, thank god." "Hey..." "You see!" "It's gonna be alright." " Anything?" " I got a cigar." "Oh, I found... uh, here some black shoes." " Are they women shoes?" " I don't know." " Who's are those?" " That's a men's size 6." "That's weird." "Oh, is this snake skin?" "Oh, come on." "Ooohhh..." " It's a used condom, Alan." " Oh, God..." "Get it outta the car." "Come on, Alan." "God-damn it!" "I got that shit on me now." "Jesus Fucking Christ." "Get it out." "Fuck!" "Oh, my god." "All Right." "What the fuck, man?" "We gotta get this shit together, guys." "What was that?" "It's in the trunk." "Doug's in the trunk." "No, shit." "Holy shit." " Open it!" "Open it!" " Okay." " Stop!" "Please stop." " Stop!" " Okay." " Stop!" "Stop!" "Whoa..." "I'm with you." "I'm with you." "You gonna fuck on me?" "Nobody's gonna fuck on you." "We're on your side." "I hate Godzilla." "I hate him too." "I hate him." "He destroys cities." "Please." "This isn't your fault." "I'll get you some pants." "What the fuck was that?" "I've got internal bleeding." "Please call 911." "That's some fucked up shit." "Who was that guy?" "He's so mean." "Guys, there's something I need to tell you." "Last night on the roof, before we went out..." "I slipped something in our Jägermeister." "What?" "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I fuged up, guys." "You drugged us?" "No, I..." "I didn't drug you." "I was told it was ecstasy." "Who told you it was ecstasy?" "The guy I bought it from at the liquor store." "Why would you give us ecstasy?" "Because I wanted everybody to have a good time... and I knew you guys wouldn't take it." "It was just one hit each." "I used to do 3 hits at night." "But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan." "It was roofies." "You think I knew that, Stu?" "The guy I bought it from seemed like he was a real straight shooter." "I'm sorry." "You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy?" " Let's just calm down." " You fucking calm down." "He drugged us." "I lost a tooth." "I married a whore." "How dare you." "She's a nice lady." " You're such a fucking moron." " Your language is offensive." "Fuck you." "Alright, let's just take a deep breath, okay?" "Alright, seriously, this is a good thing, guys." "At least not some stranger drugged us..." " for god knows what reason." " Yeah..." "Yeah, you're right, Phil." "It's totally a good thing." "We're so much better off now." "Here's something, I would like to remind you two of." "Our best friend, Doug, is probably face down in a ditch right now..." "With a meth head, butt-fucking his corpse." " That's highly unlikely." " It's true." "That doesn't help." "Alright, let's get our shit together, guys." "Let's go back to the hotel and I'm gonna make a couple calls..." "Maybe Doug's back there." "Maybe he's asleep." "Come on!" "Let's go." "Stu, a little help?" "Shut up." "Oh, god." "Oh, god, are you okay?" "Alan, I'm sorry." "Wait, guys." "Guys..." "what about the tiger?" " What if he got out?" " Oh, fuck..." "I keep forgetting about the god damned tiger." "How the fuck did he get in there?" "I don't know." "Because I don't remember." "Shh..." "Stu, just keep it down." "One of the side-effects of..." "uh, roofies, is memory loss." "You're literally too stupid to insult." " Thank you." " Hey!" "Hey, come on." "Did we leave the music on?" "Hey." "Shh..." "Don't make any sudden moves." " Who the hell are you?" " Who the hell are you?" "Quiet, quiet!" " Mike Tyson?" " Shh..." "This is my favorite part coming in right here." "¶ I can feel it coming through the air tonight. ¶" "The chorus line, guys." "¶ Oh, Lord. ¶" "¶ 'Cause I've been waiting for this moment for all my life. ¶" "One more time, guys." "¶ Oh, Lord. ¶" "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, fuck." "Oh..." "Why did you do that?" "Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom." "Hold on, hold on." "That was completely unnecessary." "I..." "I'm a huge fan." "When you knocked out Holmes  that was..." " Explain." "Hey, look..." "We were drugged last night, we have no memory of what happened." "It's true." "We got into all kinds of trouble last night." "And now we can't find our friend." "And if you wanna kill us, just go ahead, because I don't even care anymore." " Stu, what're you talking about?" " What?" "I don't care." "Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger?" "We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up." "I don't believe this guy anymore." "Wait a minute, how did you guys find us?" "One of you dropped your jacket, found it in the tiger's cage this morning." "That's Doug's." " Yeah, Doug." " Hm..." "His wallet and his room keys in there." " That's our missing friend." " I don't give a fuck." "Whoa..." "Did you guys see him?" " I was vast asleep." " Yeah, because if he was up... this shit wouldn't've gone down so smoothly." "Maybe the tiger would ate 'em there like Omar." "Respect." "What..." "what happened to Omar?" "Don't worry about Omar." "He's not with us no more." "Okay..." "I know this is asking a lot, but you think there's anyway... that we could go to your house and look around to see... if there's any clues of our friend?" "Absolutely." "How else you think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?" "Come on, Champ." "What..." "I'm sorry?" "We're not gonna put it in the Bentley." "You brought it here, you bring it back." "What'd you think?" "About 40 minutes?" "Don't make me come back for him." "That was Mike Tyson." "Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson." "I'm just saying, he's still got it." " Hey, you okay?" " Oh, my God." "Fuck, where did he get him at?" "Hey!" "It does not seem fair." "Rock, paper, scissors." "Nothing more fairer." "Alan should do it." "Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson." "Come on, for Doug." "Why are you peppering the steak." "You don't know if tigers like pepper." "Tigers love pepper." "They hate cinnamon." "Phil, just do it." "You should do it." "I would, but you lost." "It wouldn't be right." "Okay, I jammed 5 roofies in there." "Just go in there and throw it to him." "Fine." "Make sure he eats the whole thing." "Fuck." "Here, kitty." "Hey, sweety." "It's okay." "Here's a little snack for you." "Real important that you to eat this, okay?" "Have a little..." "What'd we do now?" "We wait." "¶ What do tigers dream off when they take a little tiger snooze. ¶" "¶ Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit. ¶" "¶ Don't you worry, you pretty striped-head we're gonna... ¶" "¶ get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. ¶" "¶ And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug... ¶" "¶ and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. ¶" "¶ Doug, Doug, oh.." "Doug, Dougie-Doug, Doug. ¶" "¶ But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers... ¶" "¶ well then we're shit outta luck. ¶" "At the end we're all gonna die." "Watch it." "That's his nose." "Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?" " Who cares, man." " Do you know, Stu?" "I don't think it's for another 60 years or something." " It's not tonight, right?" " No." "I don't think so." "But you don't know for sure?" "No." "I got this cousin Marcus who saw one, he said it blew his mind." "I wanna make sure I'll never ever miss out on a Hailie's comet." "So if you guys now there's gonna be one..." "Stop the car." "He's getting all excited," " Stop the car." " We gotta get out." "Get outta the car." "Fuck." "Look out." " Oh, my god." " He's suppose be unconscious." "Stu, Stu he got me." "Oh, You got clawed." "You're bleeding." "Oh, my god." "Okay, okay, okay." " I can't do it." " Get your fuckin' hand in there." " You're steering the car." " I'm too nervous." "Alan, we need you, buddy." "It's your time to shine, okay?" "Okay, yeah." "My dad's gonna kill me." "That's it." "That's good." "Keep it straight." "You're late." "Whatever, man." "We've been pushin' the last mile." "Come on in." "Mike's got something he wants to show you." "He's outta control, man." "You gotta put it down." "When we got back, we took a look at the security cameras." "Great." " Oh, it's Doug." " Oh, thank god he's alive." "That's our buddy, that's..." "that's who we've been missing." " We're friends, that's great." " We're all best friends." "Why don't you just pay attention." "I don't have all night." "Yeah, of course, of course." "That's me." "I'm on TV." "I've never been on TV before." "Really?" "Really, Alan?" "Yeah, I... uh..." "You're gonna overflow the pool, old man." "Should, maybe I..." "should I wait outside?" " I think that's a good idea." " Yep." "Don't touch anything out there either." "You know, he... he's not our good..." "We don't know him that well." "By the way, man, where did you get that cop car from?" "We... uh, stole it from these dumb-ass cops." "Nice." "Nice." "High five there." "That's nice." "You know I just have to say, I've never seen... a more beautiful, elegant, just regal creature." " Check it out, Stu." " Fuck this tiger." "Oh, my god." "It's awful." "Who does shit like that, man?" "Someone who has a lot of issues obviously." "I'm a sick man." "That's all we got." "This was, hugely helpful, really." "Because now we know... that our buddy Doug was with us at 3:30 totally alive." "Thanks again, champ." "And... uh... again, we are... so sorry we stole your tiger." "No, don't worry about it, man." "Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up." "I did say that." "You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but..." "I think he's kind of a sweetheart." "Well, I think he's mean." "Alright..." "I think it's officially time we call Tracy." "Hallelujah." "Finally, Phil says something that make sense." "I mean, we don't have much of a choice." "And who knows... maybe she's heard from Doug." "That's what I've been saying this whole time." "We just need to be completely honest and tell her everything." "We don't have to tell her everything." "I mean, we can leave out the stuff about me... marrying... a hooker." "Just stay focus on Doug." "What am I gonna tell my dad about this car?" "Alan, relax." "It's just the inside." "Come on" "I got a guy in L.A who's great with interior." " Oh, Jesus." " Oh, my god." "Are you guys okay?" "I know that guy." "That's the guy from the trunk." "Get outta the car, please." "Oh boy, look those are the guys that shot Eddie." " Buddy, let's go." " Okay," " Move." " Alright, alright." "That's enough." "Ow.." "Take it easy, take it easy." "I want my purse back, assholes." " What?" "Your purse?" " That's not a purse, it's a satchel." "It's a purse, okay?" "And you steal from wrong guy." "Wait a second, wait a second." "We stole from you?" "Okay, you know what?" "We don't remember anything that happened last night." "So help us out a little here." "Well, apparently, you guys met at a crab table late last night." "You're on your real heater when you played your hot streak." "You ended up winning just under 80 grand." "No shit. 80 grand." "Nice." "That's good." "You put the chips in his purse, and then you guys took off with it." "That doesn't sound like us." "Mine had 80 thousand dollars inside." "And this one?" "Nothing." "Hey, there's skittles in there." "Don't let the beard fool you." "He's a child." "He's funny because he's fat." "Now look, this was obviously a very simple misunderstanding." "Alan picked up the wrong purse, it's no big deal." "Hey, if it's no big deal, why when I come after you guys... he starts screaming like crazy, and throw me in trunk, huh?" "What?" "I did that?" "Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm, and you wanna take him home with you." " Lucky charm." " Hey, that's just funny." "Oh... fuck you." "If you want to see your friend again, you get me my 80 grand." " What?" " Whoa, whoa, whoa, our friend?" " You have Doug?" " You mean some other friend?" "What?" " Doug." " Doug." "Chill out, Goatie." "Okay, okay, alright, fine, fine." "What do you want?" "Ah... not so good now." " Douchebag." " What?" "Look, we're very sorry, but this is an easy fix." " Alan, where's his purse?" " I don't know." "What'd you mean?" "You said it was in the hotel room, right?" " Yeah, we can get it." " We can get you your purse." "You know what?" "We can even write you check, right now." "No check." "Cash only." "He's a person in there." "Boring." "Take nap." "Come on." " Wait, wai, wai, wait." " You can't..." "You can't kidnap our friend." "Kidnapper!" " Whoa, whoa, whoa." " Stop." "Stop." "Run me over." " Okay." " Whoa." "Bring money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert, at dawn." " What?" " Tooddle-loo, mothafucka..." "At least take the bag off his head." "Fuck!" "Fuck, get outta here fucker." "Guys, I'm telling you I looked for it this morning before we left." "It's not anywhere." "Fuck." "Stu, how much you got in the bank?" "About 10 grand, maybe more." "I was gonna use it for the wedding." "Well, you're already married." "So we're good there." "Besides not for Melissa." "She's the worst." "Yeah, Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or somethin' like that." "It was a bartender on a cruise." "What is wrong with you, people." "Ooh, Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?" "Yes." "What're we gonna do?" "We are so fucked." "Hey, guys..." " You find it?" " Nope." "But check this out." "Change only." "Ten thousand" "Hey... uh, these seats taken?" "No, feel free." "All right!" "Let's play some blackjack." "That's it." "Shut up, Vincent." "I'll stay." "Oh, fuck you." "Fuck you." "Splitting fives." "Too many." "I don't even know you." "But I'm gonna tell you, that's dumb." "Hey, c'mon." "He can't lose." "He can't lose." "I think the pit boss is watching him." " Oh... oh. my God." " Are you okay?" "I'm such a klutz." "I get so nervous when I gamble." "I'm so silly." "Hold on a... beet, okay?" "Let's just take it easy." "This is my wife." "Is it hurting?" "Does it hurt?" " Oh... ow..." " You alright?" " I don't know." " I don't know either." " I think you're fine." "Let's go." " Really?" "okay." "Sorry." "She's had a little too much drink." "Thanks, buddy." "That's for you." "And 100, 200, 300, 400." "Oh, with all of this, that's 82,400.00 dollars." "God damn it." "I don't fucking believe it." " Alan, you're the man." " You are too, Phil." "We should come back next week." "Take the whole city down." "I'm free next week." "Or we could just focus on getting Doug back, right now." "Hey, you know what?" "Next week is no good for me." "The Jonas Brothers are in town." "But any week after that, it's totally fine." "I think it's safe to say that our luck has officially turned around, guys." "We are back, baby." "We're fuckin' back." "We're back." "Classic." "¶ We are back." "Yes, we are back. ¶" "¶ We are getting Doug back. ¶" "¶ And we're the 3 best friends that anybody could have. ¶" "¶ We're the 3 best friends that anyone could have. ¶" "¶ And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, leave each other. ¶" "¶ We're the best 3 friend that anybody could have. ¶" "¶ We're the 3 best friend that anybody could have. ¶" "Now what?" "Give him the signal." "What signal." "Flash your lights." "Let him know it's on." "What's on?" " The deal." " Of course it's on." "We just drove 30 miles into the desert, he knows it's on." "Phil, just do something." "Fine." "See?" "Alright, let's go." "That funny fat guy, fall on face." "You okay?" "Alright, we got the money." "80 grand in cash." "Throw it over." "Then I give you Doug." "Um..." "I'm sorry." "First of all... good morning, we didn't catch your name last night." "Mr. Chow." "Leslie Chow." "Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure, my name's Stu." "And... we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug... before we give you the money, just to verify that he's okay." "If that's..." "if that's cool?" "Of course, Stu." "That is cool." "Okay." "See?" "He fine, now, give me money or I shoot him..." "And I shoot all you motherfuckers." "And then we take it." "Your choice, bitches." " Give him the money, Stu." " Okay." " It's all there." " Let him go." "Alright, take it easy." "Ta-da." "Is this some kinda a joke?" "Who the hell is this?" "That is not Doug." "What're you talking about, willies?" "That him." "No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow." "That's not our friend." "The Doug we're looking for is a white." "I told you you had the wrong guy, little boy." "Damn, Alan." "What the fuck you got me into?" "You know him?" "Yeah." "This is the guy who sold me the bad drugs." "How you doin'?" "I didn't sell you no fuckin' bad drugs." "Wait... he sold you the roo... the roofilin?" "Roofilin?" "What're you talking about roofilin?" "..." "Who gives a shit!" "Where is Doug?" "I am Doug." " Your name is Doug?" " Yeah, yes, I'm Doug." "His name is Doug too." "Classic mixed up." "Come on." "Hey, Chow!" "You gave us the wrong Doug." " Not my problem." " Look, fuck that shit." "Now, you give us our 80 grand back and take him with you." "No." "Come on, man." "I'll be your Doug." "Oh, yeah." "Okay." "I take him back." "Uh... right after you suck on these little Chinese nuts." "Oh, that's nasty." "How that sound?" "So long, gay boys." "Wait a second." "He's a nasty little motherfucker." " Can you get us any ecstasy?" " I have no fucking ecstasy." "God-damn it!" "Gosh-darn it!" "Shit!" "Shoot!" "Hello." "Tracy, it's Phil." "Phil, where the hell are you guys." "I'm freaking out." "Thanks for the lift back to town." " I got a question for you." " What's that?" "How did you wind up in Chow's car?" "That crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday." "Okay, but why?" "I mean, why you?" "Cuz he thought I was with you guys, cuz we all hangin' over at the Bellagio." "What?" "We were at the Bellagio?" "Yeah." "We were shooting crabs." "You don't remember?" "No!" "No We don't remember." "Because some dick drug dealer... sold him roofilin and told him it was ecstasy." "Roofilin." "There you go with that word, roofilin." "Roofilin, what the hell is a roofilin?" "Wow... you are the world's shittiest drug dealer." "Roofilin, for your information, is the date rape drug." "You sold Alan roofies." "Oh, shit, I must've mixed up the bag, my fault, Alan." "Damn, Marsha's gonna be pissed off with me on that one." "Whatever." "It's funny, cuz just the other day, me and my boy... we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies." "You know what I'm talking about?" "No... don't know what you're talking about." "Why not floories, right?" "Cuz when you take 'em... you more likely to end up on the floor than the roof." "What about groundies?" "That's a good new name for 'em." "Or, how about rapies?" " Wait, what'd you just say?" " Rapies." "Not you, Doug, what did you say before?" "I said groundies." "No, before that." "You said... you're more likely to wind up on the floor, than..." " Phil!" " Listen, Trace," "I'm really sorry, I was..." "Hello?" "Tracy, it's Stu." "Stu, talk to me." "What's going on?" "Uh, nothing, don't listen to Phil, he's completely out of his mind." "He's probably still drunk from last night." "Where's Doug?" "He is... paying the bill." "We just had a delicious brunch and, uh... we're in a big hurry to get back so we gotta get going." " Okay, we'll see you soon, bye." " Stu?" "Stu!" "What the fuck, man?" "I know where Doug is." "I don't know, man." "It just hit me." "Do you remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?" "Yeah, it's because he threw it out the window." "No, it's impossible, you can't open windows in Vegas hotel." "Then how did it get..." "Oh, my god!" "Wait, wait, what's goin' on?" "Doug was trying to signal someone." "Holy shit." "How'd you figure that out?" "Doug made me realize it." " Doug?" " Uh, not our Doug, black Doug." " Hey, easy with that shit, c'mon." " Sorry." "Okay, can someone tell me where white Doug is?" "He's on the roof, Alan." "Yes, he's on the roof, we must've taken him up there on his mattress... as a prank, so he'll wake up on the roof." "Like that time in summer camp." "Remember when we moved... his sleeping bag out in the jetty on the lake?" "Which was hillarious." "This is not so funny now, though, cuz we forgot where we put him." "You guys are fuckin' retarded." "You know that?" "Holy shit." "You think he's still up there?" "There's only one way to find out." "Doug." " Doug." " Doug." "Doug, you up here, buddy?" "Where you at, Doug?" "Hey, guys!" "He's over here." "Phil, we've found him, he's over here." "He's okay." "You're okay?" "Oh, my god, we gotta go, buddy." "Come on." "We've been looking everywhere for you." " He's alright." " What the fuck is going on?" "We can explain everything, but right now we gotta go." "Hey, bud." "You okay?" "No... not okay." "You look good, you got some color." "I'm jealous." "I'm getting married today." "Yes, you are, that's why you need to focus and do everything we say." "Because frankly, you're wasting a little bit of time right now." "You fucking asshole!" "Oh, my skin burns, my skin burns." " It's okay." " It's not your fault, Doug." "Don't touch me." "Shut up!" "All of you shut up." "Just get me home." "Just get me home." "What about the one after that?" "You cannot be serious." "Oh, god-damn it." "Every flight to L.A is booked." " What about into the Burbank?" " It's already sold out." "Fuck, we can't drive there." "The wedding starts..." " in 3 and a half hours." " Alan, where's the car?" "It's on its way." "You know what?" "We can drive there." "We can make it, okay?" "Just..." "give me one second." "We will leave without you." " Is he missing a tooth?" " Yeah." " Hey." " Hey." "Hey, thanks for helping out last night, that was so awesome." "Sure." "Listen, Jade..." "I..." "You don't have to say it." "I totally understand." "This whole thing was..." "stupid." "Ohh..." "It was stupid, wasn't it?" "This is yours." "Oh, thank you." "I can't believe I gave my grandmother's holocaust ring... to someone I just met." "What was I thinking?" " You were really fucked up." " Clearly." "You did pull out your own tooth." "I pulled out my tooth?" "Why did I pull out my own tooth?" "Well, Alan bet you, that you weren't... a good enough dentist to pull out your own tooth." "O... kay... huh..." "Of course he did." "You won." "Yeah, clearly... yeah." "That's victory, right there." "It needs to go down." " Alan, it's good." " No." "Safety first." "Alan, it's fine." "It's down." "No, it isn't, let's get it down first." "Don't mess the car up." "You're messing the car up." "What're you doing next weekend?" "I don't know." "Working." "Why?" "Well. 'cause I was thinking, maybe I was gonna come back... and take you out to dinner or something." "Really?" "Like a date?" "Yeah, like a date." "Only one that I hope we all remember." "Sounds great." " Stu." " Stu." " Come on." " Come on." "I gotta go." "Okay." "Bye." " Bye." " Bye." "Alright, let's go." "At least the trip wasn't a total disaster." "What makes you say that?" "When I woke up on the roof, I happened to find... 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket." "Oh, my god." "Looks like we're going home with some money, boys." "Here he comes." "That's him." " Hey, Victor." " Hey, what's up, Alan?" " Whoa, look out!" " Oh, shit." " Thanks, Vic." " Adios." " Who the hell was that guy?" " That's my buddy." "Hey." "Sorry, map quest took us on a really crazy route." " How's my hair?" " It's good." "Is it cool like Phil's?" "It's classic, Phil." "She looks beautiful, man." "Sorry I'm late." "Vegas." "Where were you?" "And why are you so red?" "Honey, it's a..." "long story." "We're gathered here today because of the strength of love and of promises..." "All I know is..." "I'm so sorry." "And I promise for as long as we're married..." "I'll never... ever... put you through anything like this again." "Can you forgive me?" "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "So seductive." "¶ I take you to the candy shop." "I let you lick the lollipop. ¶" "¶ Go ahead, girl, don't you stop. ¶" "¶ Keep on going until you hit the spot. ¶" "¶ You can have it your way. ¶" "¶ How do you want it?" "Gonna back that thing up or should I push up on it?" "¶" "¶ Break it down for you now, baby it's simple. ¶" "¶ You be a nympho, I be a nympho. ¶" "¶ I got the magic stick." "I'm the love doctor. ¶" " Daddy!" " Hey, my man." "Excuse me, but I'm expecting my husband any minute." "Very funny." "Come here." "How was your soccer game?" "¶ Go ahead girl don't you stop, keep on going until you hit the spot. ¶" "¶ Fuckin' give it to me baby nice and slow. ¶" "¶ Climb on top ride it like you're in a rodeo. ¶" "Stu?" "You avoiding me?" "Hey, Melissa." "Oh, my god." "What happened to your tooth?" "Have you met..." "Alan?" "Tracy's brother." "Brother in..." "Okay." "That is disgusting." "Why haven't you returned my calls?" "Well, there was a snafu with it when we stopped..." "I called that bed and breakfast in Napa... they said they had no record of you even checking in." "That's because we didn't go to Napa." "Stu, what the fuck is going on?" " We went to Las Vegas." " Oh, really?" "Las Vegas?" "Why would you go to Las Vegas?" "Because my best friend was getting married and that's what guys do." " Really?" " Yeah?" " But that's not what you do!" " Really?" "Then why did I do it, huh?" "Cause I did it." "Riddle me that!" "Why did I do it?" "You know sometimes I think... all you want me to do is what you want me to do." "I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time." "I think in a healthy relationship, sometimes the guy... should be able to do what he wants to do." "That is now how this works!" "Oh, good!" "Because whatever this is, ain't workin' for me." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Since when?" "Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June." "Boom!" "I thought it was a bartender." "Oh, you're right." "I stand corrected." "It was a bartender." "You fucked a bartender." "You're an idiot." "Yeah, you're, uhhh..." "You're such a bad person." "Like all the way through to your core." "Alan, shall we dance?" "Let's do this." "¶ Hey!" "I'm gonna leave forever. ¶" "¶I'm gonna learn how to fly high. ¶" "It was a real pleasure meeting you." "Fuck off." "I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license." "Suck my dick." "No, thank you." "¶ Remember, remember, remember, remember my name, babe!" "¶" "Dougie, I gotta tell you, man." "That was a gorgeous wedding." "I'll give it 6 months." "You're a dick." "I don't know what to say." "Thanks, for the bachelor party, I guess?" "Yeah." "I just wish we could actually remember some of it." "Hey, guys." "Look what I found." "Whoa, that's my camera." "Yeah, it was lodged in the back seat of the car." "Are there photos on it?" "Yeah, some of it is even worse than we thought." " No fuckin' way." "Give me that." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait." "Wait, wai, wai, wai, wai, wait." "We look at these pictures together, okay?" "One time." "And then we delete the evidences." "I say we delete it right now." "Are you nuts?" "I wanna find out how I wound up in the hospital." "Is that in there?" "Yeah, it's in there." "Guys, one time." " Deal?" " Deal." " Oh, dear Lord!" " That is classic."