"Year 39 AD." "Roman Empire border." "Halt!" "Wine!" "That's another trap." "Where all of you see traps, I see ham." "Guardians!" "Petronius, it's the third ham trap we fall into." "We have plenty of ham, so why would we need another one?" "Prevision, Inflatius!" "Soldiers!" "Great Petronius, we are almost there." "Why should we get in trouble for another ham?" "When you eat ham sandwiches you are much more quiet." "Come on, don't start to grimace." "If it were not a trap?" "I would never forgive myself." "But if it is a trap?" "If it's another trap I'll chase the responsible," "I'll fulminate them, we'll eat ham," "I'll bury these soldiers with honours and I'll prove that I'm the boss." "Take it down!" "First Chronicle." "About Centurions and ham." "Decurion!" "Someone's approaching!" "Everybody fall in!" "You, fall in." "Me?" "I'm the procurator!" "Fall in." "Pardon me Decurion, but according to article 3.4 of the military code," "I should stand behind the commander." "But this other article makes you obey." "Ave, Cesar!" "'De Pontis' garrison salutes you with honours in the name of Mars." "Why are you shouting at me?" "Welcome." "Legionaries!" "Salute, Centurion." "Pathetic." "I want you to keep it between colloquial and magnanimous." "Of course." " Who executes the authority here?" " Exercise." "You exercise authority." "Me, Centurion!" "Are you only four?" " The others..." " Fell." "Yes." "They fell dead of boredom and left." "Lucius, shut up!" "Hi, man!" "I'm your new Centurion, Petronius." "You are my soldiers and with your unconditional loyalty," "I'll rule the Empire." "I don't like it, too ordinary." "Soldiers of Rome!" "I'm your new leader, Petronius Lerele." "Our beloved Emperor, the good Caligula, named me Centurion of this garrison, so now I'm your new..." "God?" "Centurion." "I want all of Rome talking about my heroic deeds as your leader." "I want everybody to know me." "I want everybody to remember my glory and my victories." "And I want the world..." " What do you want?" " I just want to confirm something..." "What?" " If I'm relieved." " Relieved?" "Now you are in charge, so I can go back to Rome." "Let me understand." "I'm doing an epic speech that I prepared for ages and you, scum, you only think about abandoning your soldiers?" "It's been 35 years since I saw my family." "It's been one month since I went to the swimming pool." " All of us should make an effort!" " Centurion... can I go back to Rome?" "Does the scroll say something about you?" "No." "Then... fall in!" "Fall in?" "Do you prefer to fall over your execution?" "Decurion, here there's some space for you." "How was I?" "And then, magnanimously and tenderly, with divine words pronounced by such a man, the distinguished and fatuous Petronius brings back hope to his beloved soldiers." "I don't understand it, but I like it." "Send it to daddy." "Now I want to introduce you to a hero." "Machoreti, get up here!" "Get down." "Machoreti and myself are your reinforcements." "With his muscles and my brain..." "What?" "Isn't it the other way?" "How dare you, plebeian?" "I'm not a plebeian." "I'm a patrician." "You?" "What?" "Decurion, lash this insolent 20 times!" "Patricians cannot be lashed." " What's a patrician doing here?" " Aren't you a patrician?" "Yes!" "But I have a brilliant rank, I'm not a miserable soldier." " Do I add this incident to the chronicles?" " No." " How you managed to sink so low?" " The Emperor caught me with his sister... and sent me here, the worst hole on Earth." " Which Emperor?" " Can't remember..." "You kill them so often..." "I can't remember." "Inflatius, write: 'and then, Petronius smelled the lie.'" "Petronius, 'smell' is for animals and slaves." "Better employ another verb." "Don't correct me in public!" "My master, your father ordered me to educate..." "Shut up!" "A commander never speaks loudly." "Inflatius, go and find out what's on the other side of this mountain." "Yes, my lord." "And then people don't understand why Emperors kill their educators." "Good joke, Centurion." "It wasn't a joke." "I forgot what I was talking about." "Yes!" "About this beast:" "Machoreti, a killing machine." "Did you learn to speak?" "So, say something." "Strength, honour, death and destruction." "This is how a soldier should be:" "lethal and quiet." "What's that?" "Barbarians, my lord." "Longhaired people without control." "Where do they come from?" "They live in the mountains, have no cutlery and install ham traps for stupid." " I found them very smart." " Of course!" "And what do you do when someone blows a horn?" "I'm not in charge anymore." "Centurion, savage and philosopher approach!" "Archers!" "Beloved Petronius!" "Go away!" "Archers!" " There aren't?" " There aren't." "So get in position!" "Which one?" "The one to do war!" "The one of parades!" "You hear it!" "Quintus!" "One, two, one, two..." "What are you doing?" "Idiots!" "Stop!" "Idiots, this is not the position." "Shut up!" "Come on!" "Shut up!" "Take this shield." "A side-by-side formation." "A war formation!" "You too!" "You, go there." "Move there." "Come on!" "Ready?" "Ready?" "Yes, speak pig!" "This evening, at seven!" "We cross your bridge!" "You understand?" " Go and find another place, you filthy!" " Do not provoke him." " Who's this honey sweet?" " She's one of their leaders." "We cannot!" "My daughter has a poetry reading tomorrow." "We want clean shoes, not wet and dirty ones." "We better use your bridge!" "Then you should fill in an application form and pay taxes." " Taxes?" " Yes, 21% plus Roman taxes." "21?" "You better kiss my ass!" "They never pay." "They are savages." "Ok." "The savage female can cross, but the rest of you don't." "And if she behaves well I'll allow her to sleep on my carpet." "Where's she going?" " We are under attack!" " Tortoise formation!" "Who do you think you are?" "Coward!" " Don't walk on me!" " Do not touch my Centurion." " Pay attention to your helmets!" " We are under attack!" "Do something!" "Where is Inflatius?" " He couldn't get inside!" " There's no room!" "He'll not survive, the attack is terrible!" "He deserves it." "He runs away and leaves me in the front line!" "Don't be rude!" "I just want to talk." "At 7 you out of the bridge!" "Don't speak with Romans." "Good." "They just fled!" "My first victory." "Inflatius." "Write it down." " Such unkempt hair!" " What do you expect?" "They are Barbarians." " Talk to me with respect." " Patricians talk like they want." " Then don't talk to me." " Ok." "He always does that." "This Barbarian challenged Rome." "I guess you know how we call that." "Do you know how we call someone who challenge Rome?" "A Challenger?" "An Instigator?" "He's a traitor." "That's wrong, Petronius." "Savages are not of the Empire, so technically they can't be traitors." "Traitor and savage is the same." "Both betray the decency and order that Rome represents." "But only free and educated citizens like me can understand this." "You should meet the others, this one was the intellectual." "So it was about time that I came to bring order." "Decurion, this garrison was the shame of Rome till my arrival." "Where's my lodging?" "He's talking about your tent..." "Come on." "Next!" "Very good!" "Machoreti!" "Decurion, what shall I do with your family portrait?" "Everything made of wood should be burnt!" "I want to keep my tent warm tonight." "Sorry, orders." "Stop!" "I keep that." "You, take it." "Do you want me to install the mirror, Sir?" " What's your name?" " Kissanus." "Kissanus, I promote you." "Now you are my personal assistant." "Thank you, Centurion." " You don't even know what it means!" " Of course I know!" " I need someone I can trust..." " Me?" " Of course you'll be that one, idiot!" " Thank you." "Listen." "I want to crush those savages and teach them a lesson they will never forget." "We can teach them how to do a tactical withdraw." "A withdraw?" "Don't be afraid." "I'll teach you modern combat." "Get your soldiers ready for midday." "Petronius. must wake up..." "Petronius..." "Yellow symbolizes happiness and intelligence." "Red is desire and determination." "Tell me more." "I want to learn more." "I want to be the wisest man." "Ah!" "I surrender!" "Your legions are waiting." "Wake me up again and you'll have hemlock for breakfast." "The hordes of Barbarians!" "Remember!" "They need you outside." "Inflatius, you are like a spot in Athenea's nose." " They come in the evening!" " It's evening already." "Bah!" "Why do you disturb me?" "Barbarians also sleep." "Don't worry, we have plenty of time!" "Tell Machoreti to start the instructions." "I'll come later." "And then, when a Barbarian gets closer," "I think he's a log, and I slaughter him." "Can you show us how you do it?" "There are no Barbarians here." "This is why there's a log." "Just imagine the log is a barbarian." "Yes." " But a log is not a threat." " Don't worry about the log, it's dead." "Then we should bury it." "He's good for nothing." "Well." "It's clear that teaching is not your forte." "Someone else?" "Centurion." "It seems without me nobody is learning." "I'm going to teach you modern combat." "Give me your sword." "First lesson." "Never give your sword to the enemy." "Brilliant." "I want you to learn my feline movements." "Ok?" "Machoreti, attack me." "Attack me." "But you are my Centurion." "Just imagine that I'm a dirty and stinky Barbarian." "A Barbarian?" "A Barbarian ready to take your sword out with a 'disarming' movement." "Watch the birdy!" "Watch the birdy!" "Ha!" "What are you doing now, hero?" "What are you doing now?" "Centurion!" "My Decurion, what should we do now?" "What we always do!" "Centurion, wake up." "Are they gone?" "Seems like it." "Cowards!" "You are the scum of Rome." "I'll not tolerate this dishonour." "Cowards!" "Centurion, beware not to fall." "Shut up!" "Watch out, sir." "Shut up!" "Such a band of cretins." "I'll protect the bridge by my own..." "Well!" "Well!" "Are you new?" "I know all the secrets that drive a woman crazy!" "And I'm handsome, rich and everybody envies me." "Even Cesar envies me." "Well, Mr bad guy is here!" "Yes daddy, the new boss." "So we should take him with the other Romans." "Romans?" "They are under the bridge." "They are only six." "We can share out their belongings." "No!" "Hey!" "I love your ham traps!" "They are very smart!" "Inflatius!" "Roman, your soldiers are waiting!" "Hey!" "You won't throw me down!" "Will you?" "I know the Emperor!" "I know girls!" "Do you want to eat something?" "I have ham!" "Welcome to 'De Pontis', Centurion" "Welcome." "Translation by Anne-Sophie Michel and Conor Griffin."