"(Machinery whirring)" "Inlet valve...open." "Inlet valve...open." "Advance to full power." "Advance." "Full power." " Chance another shovel full." " She won't take it!" "I said chance another shovel full." "Do as you're told!" "We need the pressure." "It's the only way, Fred." " Ready?" " Ready." "Cor!" "Smashing!" "Well done, Fred." "Right, build up steam for the jacket." "Anybody about?" "Vernon Carew!" "Good morning." "What are your charges for steaming and pressing a tail suit?" "For you, Mr Carew...nothing." "You, er, you recognise me?" "Of course!" "Well, everyone knows Vernon Carew." "Aristocrat of song." " Starring at the Hippodrome." " You're very well informed." " I am in your line." " Really!" "What are you?" "A conjuror?" " No." " Juggler?" " No!" "No, no." "Go on, go on!" " Er...strong man?" "You're sending me up, ain't you?" "Go on, try again." " Er...trick cyclist?" " No!" "The same as yourself." "A singer!" "(Strangulated) # Ho-home, home on the range" "# Where the deers and the antelopes play" "# Where seldom is heard a discouraging word" "# And the stars shoot and shiver all day... #" "I don't know the words properly but I'm learning them." " Good." " I go to elocution and all that and I'm learning to sing and I'm gonna speak nicer." "Well, it is advisable." "My suit will be there in time for the first house?" " I shall bring it myself." " That's very kind of you!" "Why don't you come and see the show and bring your girlfriend." "Give him two stalls." " Ooh, thank you." " That's all right." "Don't worry, Mr Carew, your suit will be there on time." "Goodbye." "And it won't cost you a penny!" "(inaudible)" "Aah!" "O-ooh!" "Oh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ahh!" "Judy!" "Judy?" "(Woman) I'm here, Norman." "I'm keeping an eye on Mrs Buxton's baby." "Judy, guess who came into the shop today." " Who?" " Vernon Carew!" "In person." " No!" " He did." " Did you speak to him?" " I served him." "And he gave me two seats for the show tonight for me and a girlfriend." " Isn't it wonderful, Judy?" " Oh, I can't, Norman." "I've got to play the piano for Miss Dobson tonight." " Oh..." " I am sorry." " What have you got behind your back?" " Nothing much." "Something I bought cos I thought we were going to the show tonight." "It must have fallen out." "Oh, well, never mind." "(Honks horn)" "(Forced) The rain in Staines stays mainly in the drains." "He's got it!" "I really think he's got it." "Now, let's get on with our aspirates." "Number three." "Hattie, Henry..." "Er... 'Enry, 'Attie... 'Enry... 'Attie." "Hattie, Henry and the Honourable Horace held hands on Hampstead Heath for half an hour." "'Attie, 'Enry and the Honourable 'Orace 'eld 'ands on 'Ampstead 'Eath for half a hour." "No, no, that won't do at all." "Back to the beginning." "With me." "(Both) How, now, brown cow." "Very good." "Excellent!" "We must always remember to keep our vowels open." "Again." "(Both) How, now, brown cow." "Quite promising." "Now, let us see if we can't get the same clarity of diction in our singing." " Sing me a note." " # Ooh, aaah... #" "No, I can't sing without Judy." "Oh, really!" "Judy, as you can hear, is giving a piano lesson." "We really must have more confidence otherwise we shall never see our name in lights, shall we?" "The mirror." " Once again." " (Tuning fork reverberates)" "(Croakily) # Aaaaaahhhh #" "Very good!" "But you have your throat closed." "You must keep it open." "(Sings note) Like that." " # Aaah, a-argh #" " Oh, that's better, that's better!" "Now see if you can't force it all up into the roof of the mouth and push it out the front teeth." "(Sings note) Like that." "(Screeching and straining)" "Very good." "Excellent!" "Now, try to give it a nasal quality up here in the nose." "(Sings note through her nose)" "Roof of the mouth, the teeth, the nose." "Go." "(Wailing)" "Oh!" "Oh, it is there." " It's there!" " It's there all right." "See if you can't push it all up into the top of the head." "See, here?" "There." " Ooh!" " In the top of the head!" "Don't forget, the roof of the mouth, the teeth, the nose, the top of the head." "Go." "(Lisping) I shall do the best I possibly can." "I'm sure you will." " (Wailing and screeching)" " Oh, no, no, no." "Your breathing's all wrong." "(Lisping) What do you suggest, then?" "You've got it in the chest, it should be in the stomach." "Not there, there!" "Now, take a deep breath and don't forget the roof of the mouth, the teeth, the nose, the stomach and the top of the head!" " (Coughing)" " Go." "(Wailing)" "What have I told you to do?" "You said a big breath, push my stomach to the top of my head" " and blow it out through my front teeth." " Please!" "Now, the most important thing of all, you must keep your tongue flat." "Yours is all rolled up." "Sounds as if you've got a plum in your mouth." "(Sings note) Like that." "(Norman screeches, Miss Dobson sings note)" "(Screeching)" "And the stomach and the head." "Stomach and the head... (Norman screeching)" "That's all thank you, Nicolas." "Same time next Wednesday." "Now, your song." "Oh, no, I couldn't." "Not without Judy." "Oh!" "Very well, come." " We'll practise Mr Truscott's song, Judy." "Yes." "Don't forget, make a big entrance and smile at the people and then start to sing." "Right, Judy." "# Early one morning just as the sun was rising... #" " Teeth, nose and stomach." " # I heard a maid singing... #" " Smile at the people, not me!" " # Oh, never leave me" "# How could you treat a poor maiden so?" "#" "And again, again... # ..just as the sun was shining... # Mouth, teeth, nose, top of the head." "Got to keep the tongue flat at all times." "# Early..." "Early one morning... #" " (Woman yells)" " Sorry." "Smile, look at the people." "# Early one morning just as the sun... #" "(# Variety show music)" " What do you want, young man?" " Mr Vernon Carew." "I've got his suit here." "Down the passage, third dressing room on your right." "Thank you." "Cor... an actress." " Gosh, it's so hot tonight." " Yes, I'll be glad to get these clothes off." "(Man singing scales)" "# Aah, ahh... # Come." " Good evening, Mr Carew." " Oh, it's you." "On time, I see." " You want to put it on now?" " No, hang it up over there." "(Singing scales)" "Mr Carew... can I stay and watch you get ready?" "Er...yes, all right." "I bet you ain't half nervous." "Me nervous?" "Why should I be?" "All the people, they might laugh at you." "They'd laugh at me." "Well, er, I'm hardly in the same class as you, Mr, er...?" "Mind your collar." "Truscott." "T-R-U-S-C-O double T." "I can spell, Truscott." " You want a bit more red up there." " Please, please." "I have done this many times before." "I thought you looked a bit pale." "Perhaps it's because you're nervous." "I am not nervous." "I never will be." "You must be a bit." "Look, your hair's going grey at the sides." "I beg your pardon?" "My hair..." " Does it show?" " Can't you touch it up with something?" "Well, I, er..." "I do tint it occasionally." "Let me do it for you." "It's all right, I used to work at a men's hairdressers." "Are you sure?" "Of course!" "I'll give it a massage and freshen you up a bit." "We'll make your hair look lovely." "You're very kind." " Too hard?" " No, no, no, that's perfect." " It does you good, this." " Yes, I'm sure." "I'm very relaxed." " You don't want it dropping out." " Dropping out?" " Please, don't rub quite so hard." " It'll be all right." "Hadn't you better get to your seat?" "I don't want you to miss any of the show." "Sorry, Mr Carew." "It'll come off easy." " I'll get some petrol." " No!" "No, no." " I won't be a minute." " Go!" " Go!" " All right, I'll go and see the show." " Don't worry and don't be nervous." " Please!" " I'll be there!" " Please go." " See you after the show with Judy." " Yes!" "(Audience laughing)" "(Musical flourish)" "(Audience laughing)" "(One person clapping)" "(Clapping continues)" "(Audience roaring with laughter)" "Er, thank you, maestro." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Being back at this old theatre is just like coming home." "And now, please, a request." "A request from any part of the house." "Maybe one of my old songs." " They're all old!" " (Laughter)" " A request." " Vernon!" "Hey, Vernon." " Ah, sir?" " Your grey hair, it don't show." "(Laughter)" "Play the music." "Ain't he marvellous?" "# Give me a night in June" "# Give me a silvery moon" "# A girl to call my own" " # Give me a leafy lane... # - (Norman humming along)" "# One little love refrain" " # And leave us there alone - # La-la la-la la la" "(Both) # Give me a girl I love, the stars up above" "# And I won't have to tell her what I'm thinking of... #" "Turn the mike off." "Turn it off." " You won't be able to hear him then." " (Youths cheer)" "(Norman) What's the matter with you lot?" "Go on, Vernon, overcome 'em!" "Hooligans!" "Don't you know good music when you hear it?" "# Give me a silvery moon... #" " (Laughter) - # ..a girl to call my own... #" "The gloves are off, mate." "Don't let's lose our tempers." "If you want to make a noise, why don't you sing with Vernon?" "Let's help him out." "Go on, Vernon, set the pace." "(Audience roars with laughter)" "# .. the stars above, a girl that I can love" " # And I won't have to tell her... #" " Come on, everybody." "# So, give me a night in June... #" "(Audience) # Give me a silvery moon" " # And she'll be mine... #" " Keep at it!" " # All mine #" " Don't be nervous." "You're drowning him now." "Don't play so loud." "# .." "I love, the sky's above" "# And I don't have to tell her what I'm thinking of" "# So, give me a night in June... #" " Come on!" " # Give me a silvery moon" "# And she'll be mine" "# All mine #" "Repeat it." "Again!" "Again!" " (Mouthing)" " Play it again!" "Go on, hurry up." "What's the matter with him?" "All right, I'll take it." "Come on, Mr Carew." "# Give me a night in June" "# Give me a la la la... #" "What's the matter?" "Forgotten the words?" "Don't worry, just la-la it." "# La-la la la la... # I told you I'd be here!" "I'll get 'em to help you out." "Now, all together." "# Give me a night in June" "# Give me a silvery moon... #" " Put the spot on the little fella." " # ..a girl to call my own" "# Give me a leafy lane" "# One little love refrain" "# And leave us there alone" "# Give me the girl I love" "# The stars up above" "# And I won't have to tell her what I'm thinking of" "# So, give me a night in June" "# Give me a silvery moon" "# And she'll be mine" "# All mine" "# And she'll be mine" "# All mine #" "(Cheering and applause)" "Yes." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, maybe I can get on with my act." " (Jeering)" " Boo!" "Boo!" "Go and whistle!" "Get off!" "Boo!" "(Jeering continues)" "(Jeering stops)" "I'll see you later." "(Booing)" ".. and if you think I'm finished I am convinced I'm not." " Stop kidding yourself." " I don't give up easily." "I've struggled hard to achieve what I've got and nobody is taking it from me." "All you've got is a lousy act and debts." "Which will be paid." "All I need is..." "A voice!" "If you could only sing like that little fella last night." "If you only had a voice like his." "His voice." "I wonder..." "You know, Harold... the combination of his voice and my undoubted charm could be terrific." "What's the idea?" " You said I need a new voice." " Uh-huh." "I'm going to have one - his." " What?" "!" "Steal his voice?" " No." "No, no, no." "Just borrow it." " Harold, hurry up with the tape recorder." " All right." " Is that a new tape?" " Yes." " Where to put it?" " Behind the bar?" "No." "Behind that chair." "Take this." " You'll never get away with this." " Yes, I will." "He won't recognise his own voice, people never do, and it'll be on a record with a full backing and my name on the label." "There we are." "He's late." "Mr Truscott, how nice of you to come." "And where is your accompanist?" " Outside!" " Outside?" "(Norman) Judy!" "Mind your feet, we don't hang about." " Mr Carew, this is Judy." " How do you do?" " Judy, Mr, er...?" " Franklin." "Do come this way." "(Honks horn)" "Ah, yes, come right in here." "(Honks horn)" "Very, very funny." "Got your music?" "Thank you." "Harold, assist this charming young lady over to the piano." "Certainly." "Ah, yes." "One of the latest, I see." "Just run over this, it'll give me some idea of your potentiality." "If you wouldn't mind singing into this microphone, it's just as well to get used to it." "Just relax." "Thank you." "# When I first saw you" "# I couldn't ignore you" "# Your eyes were so starry" "# And full of that faraway look" "# I tried not to plan it" "# Then wondered if can it" "# Be stealing, is my heart a crook?" "# But findings is keepings" "# So I'm holding on" "# To a love that has taught me" "# What's right and what's wrong" "# I'll follow a star" "# But I'm in heaven already" "# Now I'm going steady with you" "# For better or worse" "# You will be my universe" "# My life will revolve around you" "# I'll try to aspire" "# To all the things you require" "# In the man of your dreams" "# I know I'm not the best suitor" "# But your zest as a tutor" "# Is truly supreme" "# I'll take my degree" "# And then I'll study much harder" "# To prove that my ardour is true" "# I'll follow a star" "# If the star that I follow" "# Is you #" "Well, that's not too bad for a beginner." " You still gonna help me?" " I certainly am." "Thank you, Mr Carew." " Oh, thank you, Judy." " You won't regret it." "Of that, my dear, I am sure." "You'll need six months hard work singing into the microphone every day." " I shall want you to live here." " Live here?" "But this is essential to your career." "Run along and collect your things." " I know it seems important..." " Be back at six, will you?" " Rewind." " Right." " Can't I do my work here and live out?" " No." " But..." " There can only be one master here." "Until six o'clock." "Goodbye." "All right, let's play it back." "'# I'll follow a star" "'# But I'm in heaven already... #'" "D-D-Do you think you will be all right without me?" "Of course." "I'll be fine at Miss Dobson's." "She's given me a lovely little room." "I wish Mr Carew didn't want me to live in." "It's a nuisance." "It shows he thinks highly of you." "Six months' slogging he said." "I know." "You want to be a success, don't you?" "Judy, I..." "I'll never manage without you." "You've got to learn to stand on your own two feet." "You're right, Judy." "I must." "I-I-I gotta become a star and earn a lot of money, haven't I?" "So that you can go away somewhere." "Somewhere where it's warm and sunny and perhaps one day you will be able to..." "This shirt, it needs a button, Norman." "Rome was not built in a day." "You need background." "I shall appoint you as my private secretary." " You said I was gonna be a singer." " You must earn your keep." "And I shall give you a singing lesson every day." "Will you?" "Oh, I suppose I am being unreasonable." "You're a fair man, you really are." "That's very kind of you." "Well, come along, no loitering." "And stay close." "Just make yourself at home." "Won't you sit down?" "Er, not there." "In that chair over there." "And now, Mr Truscott, regarding your salary." "Well now, Mr Carew, on my last job I got £6." " £6?" "Outrageous." " I did a lot of hours and I worked hard!" "I shall pay you 20." "£20!" "Mr Carew!" "Oh, thank you." "There will be deductions." "Singing lessons, say £2, agreed?" " Agreed." " A singing lesson every day for six days," " that makes £12." " But if I have to..." "You're still left with £8 clear." "Less board and lodgings which will be another £6." "Agreed?" "That'll leave me with £2 - clear." "Not clear, Truscott, you're forgetting about laundry, breakages..." "Mr Carew!" "There won't be any breakages." "Just in case." "And there's insurance, income tax..." "All this will come to another £3." "That leaves me owing you a pound." "We must all face the facts - the more we earn, the less we have." " Yeah." " (Doorbell)" " Answer the door, Truscott." " Me?" "Part of the duties of a private secretary." "You must earn your pay." " I haven't had any yet!" " The door, Truscott." "This is gonna be a bit of a lark, innit?" " Hello!" " Come on, I'm in a hurry." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Got to announce you." "Hat." "Mr Harold Franklin." "Mr Franklin?" "Harold?" "Vernon?" "Vernon!" "Please, do you mind?" "Well?" " Jock-O Records fell for it." " I knew." "They say it's the best thing you've ever done." "This calls for a great celebration." "Truscott, the drinks." "Pendlebury's recording now and he forecasts your biggest ever success." "There is one thing I'd like to discuss with you - alone." "I shall arrange that." "Familiarise yourself with the kitchen, Truscott." " Pardon?" " Wash the dishes." "Part of the duties of a private secretary." "You must do something for your £20." "To the kitchen, Truscott." "You do realise that's your future income you're pushing around." "I know that." "The more firmly he's kept in place, the fewer ideas he'll get." "Don't give him too much to do - he's got a song to record for you tonight." "Tonight?" "Gaw!" "Aw!" "This'll take forever." "Soap." "And the mop." "That's it." "(Smashing and shattering continues)" "You dry and I'll put away." " You..." " Ah-ah." "Truscott, we are going to have a singing lesson." "I'll just finish this lot off." "Don't trouble." "Just come this way." " There's still a lot to do." " This way!" "There still is a lot to do." "Oh..." "Oh..." "W..." "Wh..." "Something wrong, Truscott?" "Well, I..." "Into the microphone if you please." "# Why is it that...cold" "# An-and hot... #" "(Gibbering) # Hot #" "What on earth is the matter with you, Truscott?" "Are you cold?" "No..." "Nervous..." "Always nervous singing..." "singing when Judy isn't here." "Oh, rubbish, you're with friends and benefactors." "If it makes you feel better, call me Vernon." "And call him Harold." "Er...thank you..." "Vernon." "Vernon." "Ha-Harold." "V-Vernon, and-and of course Harold, if-if-if...you wish..." "y-you can call me Norman." "I have no wish to indulge in such familiarities." "(Mumbles)" "# W-Why is it you're c-cold and then you're h-hot" "# Y-sh... #" "(Stammering and gibbering)" "V-Vernon, Vernon, I'm going..." "I'm going now!" "Harold, you got to help me!" "Harold." "Harold!" "I think I'm going..." "No, Norman." "It's no good." "We shall have to send for the girl." "(Groans) Very well." "If we must." "(Mumbling)" "Telephone your girlfriend and get her here now and tell her I will pay her a small fee if necessary." " She can't come." " Why not?" "She's gone with Miss Dobson to Bromley." " (Both) Bromley!" " Bromley." "We shall have to call the lesson off." " Off you go to bed." " It's only seven o'clock." "I don't care." "Off you go to bed." "And no reading in bed, electricity is very expensive." "Good night!" "Good night, Ve..." "H-Harold." "# W-Why is it that you're cold... #" "What are we going to?" "We can't take the recorder to Bromley." "Don't worry." "I shall think of something." "I shall get him to sing if it's the last thing I do." "(Snoring)" " Come on, wake up." " # Why is it that... #" "Quiet." "Tell me, where does a man always sing?" " In church." " No, not in church." "In the bath!" " You mean you're..." " Yes, I mean I'm..." "Bring the recorder." "Come on, hurry up." "Put the recorder in the, er..." "Put it in there." "(Why are you tip...) Why are you tiptoeing?" " (You can't do this.)" " Can't I?" "Come on, up you get." "Wake up." "It's not morning yet, is it?" "Is it usual for you to go to bed without washing?" " I've had a wash!" " Did you have a bath?" " It's not Saturday." " Disgusting." "You'll take a bath every night, starting now." "Come along, get undressed." "There you are, Truscott, all for you." "There's plenty of water." "Use as much as you like but remember, no splashing." " I won't make a noise." " Oh, please!" "Don't suppress your natural vitality." "You can warble if you like." " Steam is good for the vocal cords." " I don't have to hold myself in check?" " I can let myself go." " Indeed." " Holler and shout..." " With great abandon." "Splendid." "But isn't it time you, er, got in..." "Well, after this, you know, there's..." "I do see what you mean." "Yes, yes." "Come on." "Cor." " What's he doing?" " Shh!" "(Splashing)" "Oh, well." " You haven't finished, have you?" " I'm just getting the soap." "He's just getting the so..." "Truscott?" "Truscott?" "Truscott!" "Are you all right in there?" " Truscott!" " Truscott!" "Come on." "Truscott!" " He's under the door." " I know he's under the door!" "We want him in the bath." " Come on." " (Norman groaning)" " Not that way, the other way." " Make up your mind!" "Idiot." "(Groaning)" " Get some water." " Wa..." "(Starts singing)" " He's singing!" " The door." "Come out of there, you idiot." "(Norman singing)" "# ..all the sheep what he used to... #" "That's no good." "He's singing the wrong song." "We must encourage him to sing the right one." "Come on." "(Groaning)" "Put it down a minute." " All right." " Ooh!" " What?" " My foot." " Pull it." " Yes." " Pull." " Right." "# La la #" " Lift." " It's wedged." "All right, leave it." "Come out of there." "Quietly." "Shh!" "Come on, hurry up." "Hey!" "Check the recorder." "All right?" "Good." "(Plays introduction)" "(Singing gibberish)" "(Singing gibberish)" "Try again." "# Oh, why is it that you're cold then your hot?" "# You're like putty in my hands and then you're not" "# Oh, why is it that you're bold then so shy with me?" "# You slip through my fingers and you hide from me" "# I love the squeeze that sends a chill and makes me wriggle, ooh!" "# I hate the tease that ends a thrill and makes you giggle" "# I'm aware that you'll resist if I ensnare you" "# But I swear that I'll possess you, little square, you" "# I'll chase you and find you, you can't escape (Sniffs)" "# I know your perfume and I know your shape" "# Where have you gone" "# I'm sitting on" "# A volcano with a halo round my head" "# I'm trying to be good so don't erupt" "# With your fiery little temper and disrupt" "# Any hope that I've had before I choke I'll be glad" "# If when I pull out the plug I get one little hug" "# Off that very elusive" "# Makes me abusive" "# Piece" "# Of soap #" "'# ..elusive, makes me abusive" "'# Piece" "'# Of soap #'" "What's happened to you, Carew?" " Didn't you like it?" " Like it?" "It's terrific." "It'll top the hit parade in a week." " Can you record it today?" " Well, I have laryngitis..." "Don't worry." "We'll take the disc from this recording." " When's Bill Barton's next TV show?" " Thursday, but it's fully booked." "That's what he thinks." "I want Vernon singing on his show." "Don't worry about your laryngitis, all you've got to do is mouth and pretend to be singing." "They all do it." "You won't mind, will you?" "I would have preferred not to, I never like deceiving my public..." "Good, good." "Get this rerecorded with a full orchestra." "(Big band introduction)" " (Cheering)" " Hey!" "# Oh, why is it that you're cold then you're hot?" "# You're like putty in my hands and then you're not" "# Oh, why is it that you're bold then so shy... #" "Have you ever sung this song for him, Norman?" " No." " Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Well, I sung it in the bath once." "Was he there with you?" "No, Miss Dobson." "# ..giggle" "# I'm aware that you'll resist if I ensnare you" "# But I swear that I'll possess you, little square, you" "# I'll chase you and find you, you can't escape (Sniffs)" "# I know your perfume and I know your shape" "# Where have you gone?" "# I'm sitting on" "# A volcano with a halo round... #" "Are you sure you've never sung it into any microphone?" "Well, I haven't." "Why?" "# ..your fiery little temper and disrupt" "# Any hope that I've had before I choke I'll be glad" "# If when I pull out the plug I get one little hug" "# Off that very elusive" "# Makes me abusive" "# Piece" "# Of soap #" " Hey!" " (Wild cheering)" "Wonderful." "Really wonderful." " I must be off." " Where are you going?" "Mr Carew, er, Vernon, is throwing a party and he wants me, as an intimate friend of his, to get there early." "Bye, Judy." "Au revoir, Miss Dobson." "That's German." "I knew there was something funny about this from the word go." "What do you mean, Miss Dobson?" "Didn't that sound like Norman to you?" "Why..." "Why yes, it did sound like Norman's voice." "It was." "That antique Romeo is singing with a stolen voice!" "But he can't do that!" "Why...why, it's cheating." "And cheats must be exposed." "(Piano playing and chatter)" " Nice party, isn't it?" " It is." " Madam." " Thank you." " Truscott!" " Coming, Mr Carew." " A light for Lady Finchington." " Yes, sir." "Thank you, Truscott." "(Man) Waiter." "And what, might I ask, is going on here?" " Hm?" " They're Mr Carew's cigarettes." "I'm aware of that." "Mr Carew!" "Someone here pinching your cigarettes." "Mr Ca..." "I have no wish to appear rude but as an employee of Mr Carew's I say, in a light-hearted way, of course... watch it, that's all." "Just watch it." "You know, what I can't understand is... this fantastic success and your incredible humility." "It doesn't seem to have gone to your head at all." "(Starts humming)" "Right, what do you fancy?" "Champagne, Truscott." "The old bubbly, hey?" "(Slurring) It's a jolly good party." " (Pops) - (Screams)" "How dare you?" "!" "Lady Finchington, I was practically born in the saddle." " This is wonderful." " Mind, it is a long time since I rode." "I'm afraid I haven't got a very good seat." "I'm sure you have the most perfect seat." "No, really, I'd give anything for a seat like yours." "Well, Truscott?" "Well..." "I-I don't like to be disloyal but I think she has got the best one." " (Man) Waiter." " You're being called." "And here's to the hunt." "Truscott!" "Truscott, more champagne." "Yes, sir." "Help us out with this lot, will you?" "Dear, oh, dear, you ain't half knocking it back." "Still, you're paying for it." "Go on, get it down you." " Got those drinks ready?" " I want some ice!" "Where's some ice?" "Waiter, I want some ice." "This is a rotten party..." "Ah!" "Here..." "Very slippery, isn't it?" " You're not normal!" " My dear Arabella." "Keep calm." "Play some music, please." "Everybody dance." " Truscott, roll up the carpet." " I..." "Roll up the carpet!" "Excuse me, would you mind?" " Yes?" " I wish to see Vernon Carew." " That's impossible." "He's having a party." " Obviously." " What did you want to see him about?" " I intend to expose him." "He has stolen my pupil's voice." "Get out of it!" "(Screaming)" "Oh!" "An orgy!" "Where's Vernon Carew?" "There you are." "All right?" "(Whispering)" "For heaven's sake, Harold, do calm yourself." "I think I have an idea." "What are you doing with that carpet?" "I..." "I was just having a bit of nip round for practice." "I couldn't get a partner." "Waiter, would you be kind enough to get me another tray of these wonderful drinks?" "Waiter, what about our drinks?" " Waiter?" "!" " Yes, madam." "So he's using you as a waiter, too." "How monstrous!" "Would you excuse me, Arabella?" "Forgive me, I don't believe I've had the pleasure." "It's not going to be a pleasure." "Charlatan!" "lmpostor!" "Thief!" "Ladies and gentlemen, I am here tonight to expose a fraud." "The voice used by Vernon Carew tonight was not his own but that of my pupil Norman Truscott." "And you, Truscott, do you believe this rather foolish accusation?" " Well, you..." " Of course he does." "So." "My friends... you've all heard the charge laid against me." "This lad, whom I have befriended and brought into my home, has accused me of stealing his voice." " I didn't say a word!" " Your turn is coming, Truscott." "Naturally, I cannot allow this rather serious accusation to go unanswered." "There may be some amongst us who find some truth in this matter - there is none." "So what better way to prove my innocence than to have him sing to you now?" "And let you judge for yourselves." "Go on, Norman, show them." " I can't sing without Judy." " Don't worry, I'll play for you." "Sing as you have never sung before." "(Music starts)" "(Nervously) # I'll follow a star" "# But I'm in heaven already" "# Now I'm going steady with you" "# For better or worse... #" " (Man) I say, let's hear you." " (Laughter)" "(Tunelessly) # You will be my universe" "# My life will revolve around you... #" "(Man) Oh, give him a tuning fork!" "Quiet everybody!" "Quiet, please." "Can't you see he's nervous?" "Give him a chance." " # I'll follow a star # - (Laughter)" "# But I'm in heaven already... #" "(Singing drowned out by laughter)" "Please, please, ladies and gentlemen." "I think this has gone quite far enough." "Have I made my point?" "I dare say you'll think I'm a generous, soft-hearted fool but hurt as I am inside," "I am not going to dismiss Truscott." "On the contrary, I shall continue to give him lessons and who knows, one day he may be as big a star as I." "Take me home, Norman." "Well now, shall we dance?" "(Music and chatter resume)" "It was your voice I tell you." " They didn't seem to think so." " You let me down." "If you want to be a singer, you can't rely on Judy all the time." "We must conquer your nerves." "It's no good." "I did try." "You must see a tiptop psychiatrist." " A what?" " Tomorrow, you shall see Dr Chatterway in Harley Street." " Harley Street!" "On the National Health?" " No, no." "Dr Chatterway is a friend of mine." " And what will he do?" " He will probe your hidden complexes." "I'd better have a bath, then." "Good night, Mr Truscott." "Night, Miss Dobson." "Norman." "You must make up your mind what you really want and go for it." "What I really want is for Judy to walk again." " It didn't work, did it?" " No." "I made a fool of him." "He couldn't sing a note without you." "Oh, I can't think why he depends on me so." "Judy, if I could cure him of this need for you... would you ever forgive me?" "I'd help you, Miss Dobson." "Norman can't go through life tied to me." "I'd help you." "Are you sure?" "Positive." " Mr Norman Truscott." " Thank you, Nurse." "Oh, yes, you're the patient who can't sing." " No!" "I can sing." " Oh, you can sing?" " I can't sing." " Oh, you can't...sing?" "Sit down, will you, please?" "Now, Mr Trusc..." "Obviously we've got a right one here." "Will you get up, Mr Truscott?" "Up you come." "Come along." "Have you ever been hypnotised?" " No, sir." " Come over to the couch, please." "Nothing to be afraid of." "Get on the couch, please." " Up on the...?" " Yes." " Oh, better take me shoes off." " No, that'll not be necessary." " And..." " Yes, make yourself comfortable." "I want you to concentrate on my eyes." "Look at my eyes." "Think only of my eyes." "Concentrate on my eyes." "Erm...you've got your glasses on." "Yes, I have." "I don't want my will to clash with yours..." "No, no, no, no." "Concentrate on my eyes." "Erm, I mustn't..." "What I mustn't do is struggle against you." "I'll leave it to you." "You know best." " Your eyelids are getting heavier..." " Yeah, they are." " ..and heavier..." " Gawd, look at that." "..and heavier." "You are in a hypnotic trance." "Good." "Now, open your eyes." "Excellent response." "Excellent." "I want to take you back to your childhood, as far back as you can remember." "You are just 18 months old." "Just 18 months old." "(Baby talk)" "(Screaming gibberish)" "(Laughing)" "Come to daddy." "(Baby talk)" "Aggressive." "I think you'd better grow up a little." "You are now five years old." "It's your birthday." "What were you doing?" " (Childlike) I was having a party." " And who was there?" "There was..." "There was, er...." "There was Freddie and there was Reggie and-and-and Ruth was there." "And what did you do at the party?" "I..." "I'd sing the song." "Was it a nice song?" "Ooh, yeth!" "Would you..." "Would you like to hear it?" "Oh, yeth." "I mean yes." "# I want to go to heaven for the weekend" "# I want to go where all the angels play" "# I'm only five years old" "# And so is heaven very far to go?" "# Will puff-puff take me all the way?" "# I have saved up all my pennies for the fare, sir" "# And Mummy doesn't know I've run away" "# I can stay all day on Sunday" "# Return to school on Monday" "# Cos I want to see my daddy" "# Once again #" "Did you see your daddy?" " No." " Why not?" "I missed the bloody train." "Unpunctual." "Mr Truscott, you can become your normal self again." "What was that?" "I must have dropped off." "Here!" "You did me with your eyes, didn't you?" "That was it." "Well done." "I think I've got to the root of your trouble." "You are suffering from laryngismus stridulus." "Up till now, you've been unable to sing without the help of the woman you love." "Oh, you mean, well, like I depend on Judy?" "Precisely." "All you need is self-confidence." "You must come out of your shell." "Learn to mix with men as an equal then you'll really be able to sing." " Will I really?" " Certainly." "Nurse, will you come in for a moment?" "'Yes, Doctor.'" "First of all, we'll hire you some decent clothes." "Clothes make the man." "Aye aye, here we go again." "Norman Truscott, you are a person of great importance." "You have great self-confidence." "You don't have to rely on anybody." "I understand." "I'm a person of importance." "Strong, powerful, dominating." "Like a dashing soldier, like a guard's officer." "Nurse, will you cancel all my appointments till four o'clock today?" "I'm taking Mr Truscott to my club." "(Posh voice) Oh, are you really?" "I say, that's damned decent of you, old chap." "What are we waiting for, Chatters, old sport?" "Let's go." " Post for you, Your Grace." " Ah, thank you." " Good morning, General." " Oh." " Morning, General." " Oh, good morning." "Now, let me see, you're young..." "No, don't tell me, I never forget a face." " Young, er..." "Who are you?" " Truscott, sir." "Truscott, of course." "Yes." " Tell me, are you still with the, er...?" " No, not any more, sir." "Who are you with now?" "Ah." "Oh, one of those." "Well, it's been jolly seeing you again, my boy." "Give my kindest regards, will you, to the, er...?" "Do you realise who that was?" "!" "General, the Duke of Aldershot." "It's all right, old boy." "I'm feeling terribly democratic this morning." " Morning." " For two, sir?" " Yes, Birkett, if you can." " You have a reservation?" " Actually, I haven't, but..." " Pity." "If you care to look in tomorrow." "Tomorrow, Birkett?" "We can't wait for food until tomorrow." "We'll have the old belly rumbling." "Today, hm?" "We'll have those two seats over there." "Come along, Chatters." " That is the high table, sir." " Then you must get a high chair." "I do hope I'm doing the right thing." "Chatters!" "Enjoying your luncheon, General?" " Will you start with the sardines, sir?" " We will not." "We shall start with something of our own choosing, thank you." "Caviar, I think." " And Birkett." " Sir?" "See that it's properly cooked, won't you?" "Are you trying to ruin me?" "Stop upsetting Birkett, he'll take it out on the other members." " Thank you, Birkett." "Thank you!" " Sir." " This is frightfully good of you." " Not at all." "Never mind the free sample, let's have the portion." " That is a portion." " That, Birkett, is not a portion." "That is a dead liberty." "Keep dolloping." "Oh, it'll take the whole of the day with that thing." "Give it to me." "Here, Truscott's been out east too long." "Picked up some funny habits." "And whilst you're about it, give some caviar to the General." " Cor..." " Try some chopped onions." "(Mumbling)" "Birkett." "Birkett!" "BIRKETT!" " Birkett!" " Sir." " Onions, Birkett." "Chopped onions." " Very good, chopped onions." "Oh, I've got a better idea." "Make them "frayed"." " Frayed, sir?" " Frayed." "With an egg on top, some baked beans underneath, frayed bread, and if there's any room on the plate, chips." " This is too much." " Then get a larger plate." " If I might..." " Don't mumble, Birkett, jump to it!" "Well done, my boy." "High time that fella was put in his place." "Gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast to our young friend here, who in facing our common enemy, has displayed a courage above and beyond the call of duty." "(All) Hear!" "Hear!" "# Good show, you're a hero" "# By gad, you're a lad" "# Beastly Birkett's been dignated so you should be decorated" "# The most celebrated hero we have had" "# I never was a hero in the forces" "# My gallantry began with my release" "# For since then I have realised my cause is" "# To fight oppression in the days of peace" "# Now, I started with a fuss on a No 7 bus" "# I gave a fierce conductress tit for tat" "# She told a poor old dear who'd got a foot on at the stop... #" ""We're full right up, there's one behind, so come on, mother, hop!"" "# Then, who was it who shouted, "There's 20 seats on top"?" "#" "Who was it, hey?" "Who was it?" "Hm?" "You?" " No!" " (Laughter)" "(All) # Oh, you deserve a medal for that" "# Good show, you're a hero" "# By gad, you're a lad" "# Though the driver never waited, the old dear was left frustrated" "# You are still an elevated Galahad" "# Next morning I was in a barber's chair but" "# That barber tried to take me for some rides" "# Ten guineas for a Tony Curtis haircut" "# I paid a fiver for a short back and sides #" "Oh, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do." "Scrimp it right back this side and on this side, sweep it right up and over with an enormous, normous, normous bun at the back, you listening?" "Then I want a long fringe down to here and when you've done all that... cut it all off." "# When I buy fruit off barrows, I am very, very blunt" "# For if there's people serving trays to pull the normal stunt, I say... #" ""Not that muck behind, I want mine off the front!"" "Of course, I never, never, never get it." "# You deserve a medal for that" "# Good show, you're a hero" "# By gad, you're a lad" "# For a date can taste so dated when it's not refrigerated" " # He's so very dedicated - # What a lad!" "# I walk out boldly on a zebra crossing" "# I know my rights, the traffic has to halt" "# If like a matador I get a tossing" "# And end up dead at least it's not my fault" "# In cinemas I shush when the usherettes won't hush" "# And drown the actors with their chitter-chat #" "Yes, see, so any old how, he says to me, he says, "What about me seeing you home after the pictures?"" "and I said, "What?" "Hm!" "I ain't that sort of a girl,"" "and he said, "Don't be silly, why should the wicked people have all of the fun?"" "# Oh, you deserve a medal for that" "# Each day you read about post office bandits" "# Well, I was one quite often in the past" "# If you got a big six-shooter in your hand, it's" "# Well, it's just possible to buy your stamp quite fast #" "(American accent) Chatters." "Hey, Chatters." "Frisk the waiter." "Hey!" "Would you mind awfully?" "Have you got a stamp?" "# Oh, you deserve a medal for that" "# Good show, you're a hero" "# By gad, you're a lad" "# Can you wonder we're elated the way he's demonstrated" "# An ego that's inflated can be simply perforated" "# We are really captivated with the lad" "# The most celebrated, venerated, decorated, elevated" "# Hero" "# We have had #" "I've never known such a cure." "I'm absolutely amazed." "You have the confidence to sing like a nightingale now." "Don't worry, Chatters, I will." " And thanks most awfully." " Not a bit." "Taxi!" "Ooh." "Dr Ch-Chatterway!" "Dr Chatterway." "Dr Chatterway!" "Dr..." "Ooh!" "Is anything wrong, young man?" "I..." "I've lost my confidence." "Never mind." "I'll help you across." "(Tyres screech)" "Truscott." "So, you've decided to come back." "I don't know where you've been but I thought you'd have shown more gratitude." "Make up your mind, either you want to be a star like me or you don't." " Of course I do." " Very well, let's begin." " I can't sing without Judy." " Then get her." " She won't come." " Have you, er, had a tiff?" "She thinks you've pinched my voice, too." "Oh, Norman, you don't believe it, do you?" "Of course not." "We must think of some way of getting Judy here." "You, er, you love that girl, don't you?" "Then marry her!" "Bring her here to live with us." "Faint heart never won fair lady." "I shall have to give lessons in that, too." "We're going out." " Where are we going?" " To learn about women." "One should never be nervous of the fair sex." "Sweep them off their feet before they realise what's happened." "Ah, watch me." "Excuse me, my dear." "Is this your handkerchief?" "No, I'm afraid it's not." "It's a man's handkerchief." "How stupid of me to think that an enchanting lady such as yourself would use a great, big handkerchief like this." " What a delightful little fellow." " His name is Poochie Pie." "I'd love to get to know him better." "Do you think if I phone Flaxman 9451 ?" " Now, how did you know that?" " Poochie Pie told me." " Then, I can't stop you phoning." " No." "Goodbye." "There you are, Norman, simple." "If you can do that, you can certainly propose to Judy." "The next girl that passes is for you." "Ah, and here she comes." "Now..." "What on earth...?" "Well, really, Truscott!" "Come on, get hold of this." "Right, drop it." "Come on, quick!" " Miss, is this your handkerchief?" " Drop dead." "Keep trying." "(Shouting) How could I be so stupid as to think a lady such as yourself would use a handkerchief like this!" "Why don't you go away and stop following me?" " Norman, Norman!" " Yes, Mr Carew." "What a delightful little fellow." "Sex maniac." "Thank you, Mr Carew." "Hopeless!" "I don't wonder you're getting nowhere with Judy." "Hey, you." " Er, yes, Officer?" " Whose is this handkerchief?" "Er, erm..." "It's, er, it's Judy's." "Judy." "Judy, read this." ""Vernon Carew tops the bill at the London Palladium." Oh, no!" "Oh, yes!" "Read on." ""New style of singing rockets old-timer to the top again."" " He'll be using Norman's voice there!" " Exactly." "It's outrageous." " The time has come for action." " Combined action this time." " You mean..." " I said I'd help, didn't I?" " When do we attack?" " Monday night, first house." "# La da-da I'm dreaming... #" " (Knock on door)" " See who that is, Truscott." " Miss Dobson!" " Close the door, Norman." "Reach for the sky, Carew." " What is the meaning of this?" " Admit you're using his voice or I fire." " You wouldn't dare!" " Oh, yes, I would." "I shall count three." " One..." " All right!" "I admit it." " Go on." " I did steal his voice." " Put it away, Miss Dobson." " Oh!" "Stupid woman." "Do you think I was fooled by that silly toy?" "My voice is my own." "Now, be off with you." "Truscott, my tail." "Ohh!" " Mr Carew!" " Tie him up." " Why?" " Get into his clothes." "I haven't got time to take his shirt off." "Well, cut the front off his shirt and tuck it in your waistcoat." "Oh, hurry, and come out as soon as you're dressed." " Did it work?" " Not exactly as planned but Norman's going on." "What are you two doing here?" " We're Mr Carew's guests." " Yes." "Wasn't it sweet of him?" "What if he goes to see if Carew's ready?" "I'd better go and hurry Norman up." " How long before we're on?" " A minute." "Are you ready, Norman?" " I d-don't want to do it." " Come on." "And now, the moment for which we've all been waiting, that peerless star, the duke of the discs, the aristocrat of song himself," " Vernon Carew." " (Cheering)" " Where the devil's Carew?" " I can't read this." "Get him on the intercom." "Mr Carew." "Hurry up, please." "You should be on stage, your music's playing." "Judy!" " Miss Dobson said I've got to go on." " Don't be nervous." "Start the music again." "The same again, same again." " Now." " I can't!" "I've forgotten the words." "The music's on the piano." "But..." "Ooh!" "Oooh!" "Don't forget - confidence, deportment, smile at the audience, make an entrance." "That's right." "(Audience murmuring)" "(Laughter)" " Do something!" " Yeah." "What?" "!" " Come off." "Come off." " Don't you dare!" "It's no use, Miss Dobson." "I'm a failure." "I can't do it." "You stay where you are." "Go on, Norman, sing." "Yes..." "# I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely... #" "You've got to get him off somehow!" "# ..to me" "# The lyrics... #" "I'll sing a song, a song that is meant sincerely!" "(Laughter)" "I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely!" "# I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely... #" " (Laughter) - # A song that will make you near to me" "# With lyrics of love... #" "I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely!" "(Music speeds up)" "# I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely" "# A song that will bring you near to me" "# With lyrics of love and a tune... #" "# I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely" "# A song that will bring you near to me #" "(Laughter)" "Oh, I'll sing..." "# I'll sing a song, a song that is meant sincerely" "# A song that will bring you near to me... #" "(Norman) Get off!" "Ow!" "Get..." "Me..." "# I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely" "# A song that will bring you near to me" "# I'll..." "I'll sing you a song" "# A song that is meant sincerely, a song that will bring you near to me #" "(Laughter)" "# I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely" "# A song that will bring you near to me, with lyrics of love... #" " The lights." " What about the lights?" "Blackout!" "# A song that... #" "# I'll sing you a song, a song that is meant sincerely" "# A song that will bring you near to me" "# With lyrics of love and a tune that goes hand in glove... #" "(Vernon) All right, let's have some light." "Take these tabs away." "Are you still trying to prove you can sing?" " I can sing if I get a chance." " That is a matter of opinion." "Yah!" "Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed this young person's...singing?" "(Silence)" "Sorry, Judy." "And now, with pleasure, I sing for you my latest successful disc," " Follow A Star." " (Cheering)" "(Norman's voice) # I'll follow a star" "# But I'm in heaven already" "# Now I'm going steady... #" "Norman!" "Turn that thing off." "No, no!" "(Speeding up) # For better, for worse... (Extremely fast)" "(Music stops)" "(Laughter)" "(Coughing) Do please forgive me, ladies and gentlemen." "A little laryngitis." "For heaven's sake, somebody give me something," "Norman, get back on that stage." "Yes." "Quickly, Norman, before it's too late." "Judy, I can't, they'll start laughing at me." "Mr Franklin, tell him the truth, please." "Admit that you stole his voice." "Oh, all right, it's true." " What are we going to do?" " Let him go on." " Are you crazy?" " Let him go on!" "All right." "You enter from upstage." "I'll cue your music." " Wait a minute." " Huh?" " Now, Norman." " Come on, son." "# I'd follow a star" "# But I'm in heaven already" "# Now I'm going steady" "# With you" "# For better or worse" "# You will be my universe" "# My life will revolve around you" "# I'll try to aspire" "# To all the things you require" "# In the man of your dreams" "# I know I'm not the best suitor" "# But your zest as a tutor" "# Is truly supreme" "# I'll take my degree" "# And then I'll study so much harder... #" "He doesn't need us now." "# ..that my ardour is true" "# I'll follow a star" "# If the star that I follow" "# Is you #" "(All talking excitedly)" "Judy." "(Man) Take another call!" "Judy?" "(Audience cheering)" "(Honks horn)"