"...and also, you should pick up your jacket today at the cleaners." "Oh, that's right." "I just want to have everything prepared so we don't, at last minute, forget something." "I'll pick up the pants, too!" "I'm excited about this..." "I'm very happy for Rachel." "Well, you love weddings." "I love weddings, I love Rachel and I really hope she finds happiness in this relationship." "Unfortunately that's not gonna happen." "Yeah, but look, she doesn't have to know that." "Well, I'm not gonna say anything." "Especially not in the speech." "Are you planning to make a toast?" "I think I will, yeah." "But I think you're gonna need to make a speech too." "Maybe we should go up together." "Okay, let's try one." " Hi!" " Hey!" "Hi, I am Dr. Jonathan Katz, Rachel's my niece, my son, Ben..." "Can I stop you right here, dad?" "You don't have to be so formal in a speech..." "Okay, okay." "...be looser." "I would like to prose..." "Propose a toast..." "Oh man, you're drunk!" "Yeah, but so is everybody else!" "I think the wedding's gonna be a lot of fun, dad..." "Yeah, I'm sure it will be." "It's gonna be fun watching you try and waltz with Rachel..." "You know, when they call you." "No, that's not gonna happen, because I'm gonna..." "It is gonna happen, because..." "You are gonna take the place of uncle Morty." "No, I don't think that..." "Well, who else is gonna dance with her?" "Well, maybe her husband?" "No, the first dance is traditional." "The father of the bride..." "Yeah?" "Which is you." "You mean, since uncle Morty's dead?" "Yeah." "This is where you come in Ben..." "You're gonna have to cover for me and tell them that I pulled a hamstring, okay?" "Why?" "You just have to dance with her." "See, the thing is, Ben..." "I can't dance in front of people, Ben." "I just can't do it, it's like, uhh..." "You know how some people can't speak publicly?" "Uh, ugh, uhh!" "I said publicly." "Alright." "Well, I can't dance in front of people, Ben." "I can dance at home, and I can dance..." "You've seen me dance!" "Well, yeah, do you know how to waltz?" "No, I don't know how to waltz." "I don't know how to do any dance." "The only thing that I can do, even slightly, is the cha-cha." "I don't think that would be appropriate." "Not if she's waltzing." "Hey, Laura, any messages for me, anything that I need to know about?" "No." " Any wedding cancellations?" " No." "Any reprieves from the governor?" "No." " Nothing, huh?" " Nothing." "Okay." "Hey, what do..." "What do I hear?" "Sounds Brazilian or..." "Yeah, I don't know, just... music." "I love it, it's got that crazy Latin feel." "Dr. Katz, isn't it time for you to go to work?" "Yeah, I'm just heading in there." "Okay, bye!" "Where did you get that, where did you get that music?" "Oh, I just got it at a yard sale." "You're kidding me!" "No." "Wow." "You don't have any waltz music, do you?" "No." "Okay." "I think the music is distracting me, Laura." "No, it's not." "You checked?" "I checked." "Okay, I'll give it another try, but..." "Okay, don't come out until you've cured somebody." "Well, you may never see me again." "Nobody gets cured in mental health." "Should I tell them that, when they come in?" "No, I'll tell them." "So, it's your mother's style that embarrasses you?" "I'm nothing like her, I've never looked like her," "I've always been thin..." "My mother's like big, Eastern-European peasanty-looking, she looks like if she lifted up her skirt there'd be a huge brisket underneath there..." "Right." "And she's upset that I'm in therapy, you know." "She's always saying to me," ""Talk a little less about me, try to be a little more like me, you wouldn't be there in the first place!"" "You know, and I don't think that's true." "Well, that's not fair for her to say that." "Every time I'm going out with a guy I bring him home and then he breaks up with me." "Hmmm." "'Cause the family..." "They're crazy." "First of all, you know how they're always loud, screaming, and yelling..." "I bring this new person and they all of a sudden turn British." "They're like, "Aarrghhh!"" "He walks in..." ""Oh, hello, how are you?"" "My last boyfriend..." "I bring him home to meet my family." "My mother starts grilling him, she starts wearing him down." ""So, what do you do for a living?"" "And he said, "I'm a musician."" ""And?"" ""And I have a band."" ""Ands?"" ""And I play guitar."" ""Ands?"" "And this went on for 15 minutes." "'Til finally I found out that he once murdered a man." "So maybe she's doing me a favor, I don't know." "I don't know, I always feel like, men are simple and women are complex." "Hmmm." "We love you guys, but we love you in a patronizing way." "Like kinda like you love the village idiot, y'know what I mean?" "I don't love the village idiot..." "I mean, I respect him..." "I keep on trying to figure out where to meet men and I don't know where to meet men and my cousin Judy keeps trying to get me to go to one of these Jewish Singles Organizations and I can't do anything that my cousin Judy does" "'cause she's one of these types..." "She's a Zionist and she's very active and involved and she's always doing the Israel folk dancing and taking seminars and she's obsessed with her judaism, it's sickening." "And she'll always call me up with this seminar, like," ""Hi, Susie"..." "And her voice is a cross between Kermit and Julia Child." ""Hi, Susie, it's Judy, we're doing a seminar, sponsored by the Jewish Women's Resource Center and the Jewish Historical Archives on Zionism in the 20th Century and... ♫ Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew ♫" "♫ Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew ♫" "She's obsessed, you know." "And then she'll come running to the house trying to get us all to sing these Israeli folk songs" "♫ Zum gali gali gali, ♫" "♫ Zum gali gali!" "♫" "Hey, Laura, do you remember saying to me..." "This is a while ago, that if I ever needed you, that you would be there?" "No." "Do you ever remember saying to me, that maybe, if I needed you that you might be there." "Nnn-no." "Well, the time has come, I need you." "Oh, no!" "I am invited to my niece's wedding..." "You need me to get a gift?" "No, Ben pointed out that she's gonna expect me to dance with her." "Yeah?" "So what's the problem?" "I don't dance, I can't dance!" "I won't dance in public." "Especially the waltz." "'Cause I don't know how to waltz." "That's the easiest dance that there is!" "It's easy if you know how to do it, but I don't know how to do it." "All you have to do is just step and count." "I can step and I can count but I can't step and count." "Would you, in your kindness, give me one quick lesson in waltzing?" "Absolutely not!" "Would you teach me how to do the fox trot?" "No!" "Would you teach me everything but the waltz and then I'll figure out by the process of elimination how to waltz?" "Would you teach me how to play gin?" "Ron, Dr. Katz asked me to talk to you about... payment." "Uhh." "We had some trouble with your last check... it bounced." "No, they're fine, the checks are fine." "No, it did, it bounced." "No no no, here, listen to this." "Hello, this is the president of a bank and I will verify that Ron's checks are good." "Ron, that's a recording..." "They're fine for him to use." "...of you!" "He has plenty of money." "Hey, Ben, what are you doing?" "Hey, let me ask you a question." "What's that?" "Off-hand, how many videos have I rented, overall?" "I don't want to reach for the computer, but I could have look that up and give you the exact number." "Really?" "That's been so many videos" "I assume I'm probably one of the preferred customers now, huh?" "I told you, we don't laminate the cards here." "So it's not gonna happen." "How come you don't have like a "gold member" or something that I..." "This is not like a Blockbuster, this is Vic's Video, pal." "I've never seen Vic, who is he?" "You don't need to see Vic." "I'd just like to see the namesake of the video palace, the guy who..." "When you get to Vic's level, you don't have to show up." "Have you seen Vic?" "I haven't even seen Vic." "You've never met Vic?" "I am not allowed to meet Vic until I'm employed here for 3 years." "Wow." "That's the only reason I'm staying." "I actually got accepted to 4 different graduate schools." "But you just want to meet Vic?" "I want to meet Vic!" "I don't blame you." "Ron?" "Umm... he's not here, and uh, he sent me over." "Well, let me address this question to the guy with the fake moustache, then." "Um-hmm." "How are you feeling?" "I'm feeling fine." "Why don't I put on something fake and we can just do it that way." "Sure." "On the scale of 1 to 10, how much help do you think I need?" "And how long before I won't need any help?" "I would say 8 and 6 respectively." "You all right?" "You look nervous." "No, what do you mean?" "I don't know, you're fidgety." "The thing is, Todd, normally I'd just come down here and I would look around..." "Right." "And I would buy some of the movie food..." "Mm-hmm." "That you have so prominently displayed all the time... which I love..." "And maybe I would rent a couple of, action videos for myself..." "Today's not that day, today's a different day." "Alright." "Today I'm here more for someone." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "Uummm..." "Did you want to rent a porno movie?" "No!" "I mean, yes." "Listen, I gotta teach a guy how to waltz." "Hee hee!" "Yeahh?" "No no, I really got to teach a guy how to waltz." "Wow!" "And it's my dad." "Mm-hmm." "Have you been to a wedding?" "No." " You should go to one." " Really?" "They're great, everything's free!" "You're serious?" "Yeah, the food, the drinks..." "Do you want to walk over to the "Dance instruction" section?" "You have a "Dance instruction" section?" "Yeah, we keep it in a separate room." "It's right behind that curtain, that soundproof curtain?" "Why did you hide the dance instruction tapes?" "You'll know in a couple of minutes." "I've read about this thing where I can use a puppet and maybe I can talk through the puppet?" "Yes, I know something about that." "So I thought I'd use a puppet anyway, so, here, I'll try it..." "I really have nothing to say," "I really have a hard time opening up." "Wait, wait a second, why don't you speak through a puppet, too?" "Then might help you out." "Sure, that might help." "Here, put this on." "Hello, I have very much to tell you." "No, who is that puppet talking to?" "He's talking to you." "I guess, 'cause you're Dr. Katz." "And is this conflict of interest, Ron?" "Ooohhh." "Are there things that the rabbit wouldn't be comfortable talking about in front of you?" "Ah yeah!" "What should I call you?" "Umm, ahem..." "Ron?" "My name is Ron, and so is my name!" "Okay, Ron..." "Who are you talking to?" "I'm talking to... any Ron." "I should..." "Because last time we were here, we were trying to talk about..." "And it made you uncomfortable..." "Your relationship with your brother." "I don't..." "I don't have a brother!" "And you?" "I do." "And how do you feel about that brother?" "Hmm, he's much bigger than me." "Mm-hmm." "He has legs." "Do you love him?" "Yes, I do." "You can't assume that the puppet is gonna get in touch with your brother, Ron." "It's not fair to you, it's not fair to your brother..." "It's not fair to the puppet." "This is the one, man." "This is the best one?" "I've heard nothing but good things about this one." "I don't trust the couple on the cover." "You know, I'll even guarantee this one." "This has your personal guarantee..." "This is the beginner tape which you might want to start with, unless..." "Well, for him, I think it would be an introductory thing." "For me, I would go right to advanced." "There's advanced and there's pro." "But, this totally..." "You have my guarantee as long as you watch the Charles Bronson tape afterwards." "I've felt manipulated most of my life." "Mm-hmm." "Everyone around me is very controlling." "Right." "Wait a minute, that's not true!" "Shut up!" "Hello, can I speak for once?" "Alright, go ahead, geez!" "I really don't have much to say." "See, Ron..." "By the way it's my fault that the tiny one doesn't say much because that's not my fault, it's the rabbit." "The rabbit has been nothing but cooperative and resilient." "And to try to pin this one on the bunny is wrong." "Can you draw a diagram or something?" "It's based on ¾ time..." "Right." "3 beats per measure, and then 4 measures in a phrase so, there's 4 steps until you come around and get back to where you started and you start over again..." "It's so easy." "1-2-3, step, step..." "It's like you're talking another language to me." "Okay, just listen!" "I can't really understand." "Just listen to me!" "I see your lips moving, I hear sound..." "I'm gonna put some tape on the floor, watch me." "Yeah?" "See the tape?" "Right." "And just, step 1-2-3 foot, feet apart, feet together, feet apart..." "Follow the tape around..." "It just looks like tape to me..." "Just keep counting, you're not counting!" "So, I mean, you know, I was dating this guy and he broke up with me, do you feel bad?" "Sure, sure I do." "Don't, 'cause he's dead now." "No, he's not, but his voice is a couple of octaves higher than it used to be." "Do you ever run into an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and you think to yourself..." ""Was I in a deranged psychopathic dementia?"" "Was I in a complete psychotic state when I was having sex with this man every night, twice on Fridays?"" "Ohh, ahem..." "Or, I get his really scary moment where I ran into my ex-boyfriend when I look at him and I think..." ""I talked baby talk to this man!"" "It's so mortifying!" "Yeah." "The last guy I was going out with..." "Remember this Italian guy from the Bronx?" "I used to get turned on by the weirdest things like, the way he talked, I'd get turned on he will call me up and say stuff like..." ""So, I'll be over your house at tree."" "And this would turn me on." "And I would race home, to listen to my answering machine." "To see if I had messages from him, so that I could analyze every nuance of how he felt about me and I'd listen to the messages over and over, 15, 25, 30 times and I get messages from him like this," ""Hello Sue, this is Joey, I hate this freakin' answering machine" "I'll call you later, awright?"" ""It's Joey, I hate this freakin' answering machine," "I'll call you later, awright?"" ""It's Joey..." "Wait Susie, do I have to hear it 30 times?" "What do you think he really meant by that?" "All the couples in my family hate each other like my aunt Sylvia and my uncle Ben." "They've been married like 50, 60 years..." "And they think it's normal to speak to each other in this despicable way." "They hate each other and they don't even know it!" "Like they'll be having a conversation..." "Aunt Sylvia will be on the phone with one of her girlfriends..." ""You know, Gloria, it's very sad to find out that your son wants such a mutilating operation..."" "What the hell's the matter with you, you moron!" "You can't find a lousy sock?"" "These are my role models." "Hello, Laura." "Why are you walking like that?" "I'm just gliding..." "Walking on air." "Oh." "Life is a dance, Laura." "Yeah?" "We get one go-around and then, uh..." "Why do you have your pants pulled up so high?" "I hiked them up." "Why?" "Better movement." "I learned that in the waltz video." "They don't say "Hike your pants up", but all the guys..." "Yeah?" "Have their pants hiked up." "No, but the guy with the thin moustache said..." "Don't ever listen to a guy with a thin moustache." "Look at him on the box cover, smiling like he's happy." "Wow!" "You can tell inside, he hurts..." "Hmmm." "He feels pain too." "I think it's 'cause his pants are hiked up." "Yeah." "Hi, dad!" "Always a pleasure!" "I got good news for you!" "Really?" "Well, I got something for you that I think is gonna help you get through, uhh..." "Through the wedding and through the dance." "Oh?" "I can prescribe that stuff." "Ha ha ha!" "No, what are you talking about?" "I rented a waltz tape at the video store." "Oh, Ben, that is so sweet, you didn't have to do that for me." "I watched the tape, I'll tell you something:" "The waltz is..." "It's not an easy dance." "But, based on what I saw in the video, it's umm..." "Easily learned." "You just have to commit." "Yeah." "I've played both parts..." "The boy and the girl..." "Mm-hmm." "And I'll tell you, I don't like to lead but umm, you gotta watch this tape." "Ben, really, you've going above and beyond the call of duty." "I set up the apartment..." "Mm-hmm." "I cleared out the furniture from the living room..." "So we got room to move..." "Bought new speakers for the stereo, so we can kick the waltz loud..." "This is a tricky one for me..." "Between the time I saw you this morning..." "And this afternoon..." "Mm-hmm." "Laura taught me how to waltz." "What?" "Laura agreed to give me one short lesson on the waltz and that's all it took." "Really?" "And I now know how to waltz." "So I really appreciate the effort you made." "So Laura taught you how to waltz?" "It never occurred to me that she would agree to teach me how to waltz but we struck a deal, and now I know how to waltz." "Hmm, I'm happy for both of you," "I'm glad that worked out for you." "Thanks, Ben." "It's nice to, uh..." "Strip someone of their dreams." "Hey, look, I'm sorry, Ben," "I'm sorry that you made this trip for nothing." "Yeah." "But I will see you at home and we can have a nice evening together." "That's true." "I hope when it comes down to it at the wedding when all your waltz lessons with Laura has to come to bear right there on one moment, with all the pressure," "I hope you fail!" "Thank you!" "Yeah, and I hope you embarrass yourself and Rachel and everyone at the wedding..." "But me, I know how to waltz!" "Yeah!" "'Cause I watched the videotape." "I didn't take some half-assed lesson with my secretary." "Does this mean that we won't be watching" ""Deathwish" 1 through 5?" "No, we're still doing that." "Y'know, I think it's my mistake when I book that many people back to back." "I feel like I'm cheating my patients, and I'm cheating myself, y'know?" "Yeah, that's great, dad." "But nothing that a little 3 hours of" ""Deathwish" 2, 3,  4 wouldn't cure." "Yeah, I don't feel like watching 'em tonight, thanks." "I think I'm gonna go to my room and maybe watch the waltz video again." "Ben, clearly there's something going on here, are you still mad about..." "No, you can watch the videos... the Bronson." "I feel like I'm slinking around, like I cheated on you!" "Well, I guess in a way you did." "I mean, I went... made an effort to teach you how to dance" "I thought I was gonna be part of the process, and then I was just cut out." "Summarily, cut out!" "Well, Laura made me an offer that I couldn't refuse, and..." "What do you mean, "an offer"?" "I asked her if she could teach me how to waltz, she said no, and then we started negotiating and she came up with what I thought was a very fair deal." "You mean, you paid her to teach you?" "Of course I paid her to teach me, you think she's gonna dance with me for nothing?" "She made money out of this deal?" "She made a couple of bucks, yeah." "How much?" "Well, when you factor out how much time it took her, $200." "Wow, she knows what she's doing!" "She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it." "She can milk everything for everything." "Plus I wasn't allowed to touch her." "Oh, dad I would'a touched!" "This might sound crazy, but do you have tapes?" "I do." "We both know how to waltz." "Why don't we just put on some music and really just cut loose!" "I think it'd be a nice way for us to make up after this little tiff." "You mean every time we get into a fight now, we're gonna waltz?" "Not every time!" "But every time we get into a fight about waltzing, we should waltz!" "Ha ha ha!" "Dad, watch the hands, alright?" "You're ridin' a little low there." "Ouch!" "I'm sorry." "Ouch, 2, 3, is what I mean." "You're not letting me lead." "Laura didn't teach you that well, did she?" "Laura also didn't have 2 days growth." "I'm dipping you right now." "Oww!" "Can I practice leading just for a minute, Ben?" "Because that's what I'm gonna need to do with Rachel." "Ummmm?" "Please?" "Let's talk about..." "Putting back together the pieces of your life because when you came in here 6 months ago you said you wanted to try to rebuild your life." "Alright, let's do it!" "I'm ready." "Ummm..." "Actually I've been trying to build my confidence a little lately." "That's a good start." "And how have you been doing that?" "Well, I've gone around and collected testimonies of various people who think I'm funny..." "Let me play one of them for you." "And is it just funny, is that where you get your strength from..." "People who think you're funny?" "What about people who think you're kind or loving or caring?" "Oh, I don't care about that." "Just funny." "Okay, let me hear what you got." "Hi, this is Oprah Winfrey, I want to say that" "I think Ron is a very funny individual and..." "I would have him on my show anytime, and I think he does a great job, keep it up, Ron!" "That's Oprah Winfrey, and you might know this person." "Mm-hmm." "Hi, this is Bob Hope, Ron." "Keep it up." "Very funny!" "That's Bob Hope." "He's the man!" "Sounds a lot like you, Ron." "Ha ha ha!" "Well, you might..." "To listen to this person..." "Yeah." "Ron, this is president Clinton, president Bill Clinton, uhmm..." "You know what the music means, Ron, our time is up." "Thank you very much for making our country laugh." "Oh, Hillary wants to say "Hi"."