"Hi, guys." "I have bad news." "Well, that's no way to sell newspapers." "Try," ""Extra, extra, read all about it!"" "No, Monica's restaurant got a horrible review in the Post." "Yeah, I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find." "Man, this is bad." "And I've had my share of bad reviews." "I still remember my fst good one, though." ""Everything else in this production of 'Our Town'" was simply terrible." "Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."" "Hey..." "Oh, my God." "Look at all the newspapers." "It must be a good review." "Is it great?" "Um..." "Oh, dear God." "But the good news is no one in a two-block radius will ever know." "What about the rest of Manhattan?" "Yeah, they all know." "Oh, my God, is is horrible." "I'm so sorry, honey." "I'm so humiliated." "Yeah, but you know what they say, Mon:" "there is no such thing as bad press." "You don't think that, um" ""The chef's mahi-mahi was awful awful" is bad press?" "I didn't write it." "Oh, my God, is he right?" "Am I really... am I awful?" "No." "Hey, Monica, you listen to me, okay?" "And I'm not just saying this 'cause I'm your friend." "I'm saying it 'cause it's the truth." "Your food is abysmal." "F*R*I*E*N*D*S 821:" "The One With the Cooking Class" "Ross?" "!" "Whqt?" "What?" "I am freakg out." "Are you?" "My due date is in one week." "What are you doing up?" "That is seven days." "Okay, look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed." "Can we do this after...?" "No, no, no, no, no, Ross." "Please, come on-- we do not have any of the big stuff that we need." "We do not have a changing table." "We do not have a crib." "We do not have a diaper service." "It's funny you should mention diapers." "I'm serious." "Okay, look, there's nothing to worry about." "We have plenty of me." "There's a great baby furniture store on West Tenth." "Tomorrow we will go there and we'll get you everything we need, okay?" "Okay." "Thank you." "That's great." "Thank you." "Wait, wait, where West Tenth?" "'Cause there's a really cute shoe store that has, like..." "Okay, okay, if, uh, if you're going to do this then I'm going to go do that, so..." "Oh, wait, Ross, I'm sorry." "One more thing." "Yeah?" "!" "Um, our situation, you know?" "Um, what we mean to each other?" "And, I mean we're having this baby together, you know and we live together." "Isn't that... isn't that weird?" "Well, uh..." "I'm just kidding; you can go pee." "Hey, uh, Monica, I can't remember." "Did we say we were going to meet here or at the movie?" "At the movies, but..." "Okay, I'll see you there." "Joey... now that you're here..." "Sure, I can hang out till I have to meet you." "But how come you're not going?" "I can't." "I've got job interview I got to get ready for." "I thought you already have a job." "And people say you don't pay attention." "No, no, this is a much better job." "It's vice-president the company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies." "Wow." "How do you know how to do that?" "That's what I do now." "Hey, Joey, come taste this." "What is it?" "Remember that guy that gave me a bad review?" "Well..." "I'm getting my revenge." "You cooked him?" "No." "He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School." "Before we go to the movies, I'm going to go there and make him try my bouillabaisse again." "Oh, I can't wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow." ""Restaurant reviewer admits" "'I was wrong about Monica.'"" "The front page?" "You really do live in your own little world, don't you?" "Do you, uh, want these things delivered, Mr. and Mrs. Geller?" "Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, no, we're not married." "We are having a baby together, but we're not involved." "I mean, uh, we, we, we were seeing each other a while ago but then we were just friends and then there was one drunken night..." "Or, "Yes, stranger, we'd liker this delivered, please."" "Why don't you fill out this address card?" "Oh, okay." "I noticed you've picked out a lot of our dinosaur items." "Oh, yeah." "Actually, that's one of the reasons why we are not a couple." "I chose those." "I'm a paleontologist." "Really?" "That is so cool." "Oh, oh, yeah, don't wet too worked up over it." "I mean, it sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not." "Oh, no, no." "I'm fascinated by paleontology." "Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?" "I teach it in my class." "Oh, my God." "I'm standing at a cash register I'm holding a credit card, and I'm bored." "Oh, i love your neighborhood." "There's a great gym right around the corner from your building." "That's my gym." "I could tell you work out." "A paleontolost who works out." "You're like Indiana Jones." "I am like Indiana Jones." "Hi, Pheebs." "Hey." "Oh, how did baby shopping go?" "Oh, it was great." "We got everything that we needed." "Oh, and Ross almost got something that wasn't on the list." "A whore." "What?" "Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him." "Can you lieve that?" "Well, did she know you two weren't married?" "Yeah." "Oh, my God." "Well, the idea-- a woman flirting with a single man-- we must alert thu church elders." "No, you don't understand" "You didn't see how brazen she was." "It sounds like you're a little jealous." "No, I'm not." "I-I-I just think it's wrong." "It, I mean, here I am about to pop and he's out picking up some shop girl at Sluts 'Us?" "Is that a real place?" "Are they hiring?" "Hey, Phoebe." "Fatty." "Hey, Chandler, why so fancy?" "Well, I got a job interview." "It's kind of a big deal, too." "It's a lot more money and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring." "Wait, I think I know someone who does that." "Me." "I do that." "So, seriously, do I, do I look okay?" "I'm a little nervous." "Oh, yeah, u really, you look great." "Just don't get your hopes up." "Why not?" "Well, the interview." "What about it?" "You know." "You don't make a very good first impression.," "What?" "Oh, you don't know." "Are you serious?" "Yes." "When I first met you you were, like..." "It was, like..." "What is it that I do?" "Well, it's just like you're trying too hard-- always making jokes, you know?" "You come off a little needy." "Did you like me when we first met?" "Chandler, I'm not going to lie you." "But I am going to run away from you." "Hi," "I'm Monica Geller." "I'm the chef at Alesandro's." "Still?" "I think the things that you said about me were really unfair and I would like for you to give bouillabaisse another chance." "I don't see any reason why I would do that to myself again." "Either eat it or be in it." "Spoon?" "So what do you think?" "I'm torn... between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating." "But I must be honest." "Your soup... is abysmal." "Atta girl, Huh?" "!" "We should get out of here." "There's a new class coming in." "Welcome to "Introduction to Cooking."" "Now, before we start can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise and a bernaise sauce?" "I can." "Okay." "Go ahead." "Well, they both have an egg yolk and butter base but a bernaise has shallots, chervil and, most importantly, taagon." "Oh, that's very good." "What's your name?" "Monica." "Monica u go to head of the class." "Okay." "Wow, all this stuff takes up a lot of room." "Hey, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?" "My son?" "Pretty serious." "Well, hey, Katie." "What are you doing here?" "Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this." "Must have been fairly obvious, since it was the only thing left in your store." "Listen... to be honest home deliveries aren't really part of my job description." "Oh." "Oh, um..." "I actually came here to ask you out." "Oh, wow, uh... yeah, sounds great." "Um, I'm just going to put this back in my pocket..." "Pretend that didn't happen." "Uh, yeah, tually, I'm free now." "You want to grab some coffee?" "Sure." "Horny bitch." "No, you're a horny bitch." "No, you're a horny bitch." "So you guys go." "Have a really good time." "Okay, I'm just going to grab my coat." "And, uh, and my whip." "You know, because of Indiana Jones." "Not, not because I'm into SM." "I'm not into anything weird." "Just, just normal sex." "So, I'm going to grab my coat." "So, you had a good day, huh?" "Big commission, picked up a daddy." "Are you okay with this?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, please, you guys have fun." "Okay." "It was nice to see you." "Oh, and it was great to see you, too." "And you look fantastic." "Although you missed a button.," "Oh, uh, actually I, um..." "Oh, okay, I see what you're doing there." "I can't even believe this." "I really come off that badly?" "Oh, it's okay." "You calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are." "Oh, good, good." "Because I'm sure this interview is going to last a couple of weeks." "All right, don't freak out, okay?" "I, I will help you." "How long before you have to leave?" "An hour." "I can't help you." "Phoebe..." "All right, all right we'll just do our best, okay?" "So let's say that I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time." "Okay-- hi, come on in." "I'm Regina Fellangi." "Chandler Bing." "Oh, Bing." "What an unusual name." "Well, you should meet my uncle, Bada." "I'll let myself out." "Hi." "Your fettuccine Alfredo looks a little dry." "Did you use all your cheese?" "When you say "use" do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?" "And the cream?" "Cheese makes me thirsty." "Okay, let's move on." "All right." "Ooh, something smells good over at Monica's station." "Oh, my God!" "This is absolutely amazing!" "You've never made this before?" "Oh, no." "I don't know anything about cooking." "I had to ask someone what it was called when the water makes those little bubbles." "Well, hats off to the chef." "I'm sorry, your mouth was full." "I didn't hear what you said." "Hats off to who, now?" "The chef." "That's right." "I think you'll find if I come to work here that I don't micromanage." "I don't shy away from delegating." "Mm-hmm, that's good to know." "But let's stop focusing on what you don't do and focus on what you do do." "What I do do... is manage to create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me." "I see." "Nice sidestep on the do do thing, by the way." "Hardest thing I've ever done in my life." "You got to go!" "Okay, don't worry." "You're ready." "Really?" "Absolutely." "Just fight all your natural instincts and you'll be great." "Ah, Monica, my star student." "You know, you called me that before so I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil." "Now, no pressure." "You like my cookies, you give me the star." "Wow, a star!" "I know you all hate me and I'm sorry, but I don't care." "Okay, Joey, you're up next." "Oh, my God!" "This is amazing." "You get an A." "I got an A?" "In school?" "Hey, I'm a dork!" "Joey, I'm so proud of you." "I think you should give him your star." "Excuse me?" "He doesn't even know what he's doing." "We're all beginners here." "Nobody knows what they're doing." "I do." "I'm a professional chef." "Oh, relax." "It's not a courtroom drama." "If you're a professional chef what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "It's just that, um..." "I cook at this restaurant, Alesandro's and I just got a really bad review." "Oh, Alesandro's!" "I love that place." "You do?" "Oh, yes." "You're an excellent chef." "As a person, you're a little..." "Oh, totally crazy, but you like the food?" "Very much." "Okay, then." "I don't stink." "I'm a good chef." "Okay." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to go." "I'm having fun." "Actually, did either of you pay for this class?" "Hey, hey, hey, if my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go." "Also, I was the point person on my company's transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 systems." "You must have had your hands full." "That I did." "That I did." "So, let's talk a little bit about your duties." "My doodles?" "All right." "You'll be heading a whole division so you'll have a lot of duties." "I see." "But there'll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them." "Good to know." "We could go into detail..." "No, don't, I beg of you." "All right, then." "We'll have a definite answer for you on Monday but I think I can say with some confidence you'll fit in well here." "Really?" "Absolutely." "You can relax." "You did great." "I got to say thank you." "I was really nervous." "I've been told I come on too strong make too many jokes and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing." "Duties." "Duties." "Poo." "Poo?" "Oh, my God, this doesn't count, okay?" "The interview was over." "That was the real Chandler Bing in there." "This is just some crazy guy out in the hall." "Call security!" "There's a crazy guy out in the hall!" "Poo?" "I'll look forward to your call." "Hi." "Hey, you're back from your date." "How are you?" "I'm fine, but that's not important." "What's important is how was she?" "Uh, it was fun." "We just had coffee." "Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh." "Coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table." "What's going on?" "Do you not like Katey?" "No, no, she-she was nice." "I mean, she was a little slutty, but who isn't?" "I liked her." "Of course you did Ross." "You would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones." "Did you get, like, a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?" "No, it's just that..." "Katey bothered me." "Why?" "What was wrong with her?" "," "There was nothing wrong with her, all right?" "She was perfectly lovely." "Okay, so what's the matter?" "I don't want you to date her.," "Why?" "What, are you jealous?" "Yes." "And not because I want you to go out with me because I don't want you to go out with anybody." "Okay?" "I know it's a terrible thing to even think this and it's completely inappropriate but I want you to be at my constant beck and call" "24 hours a day." "I'm very sorry but that is just the way that I feel." "Okay." "What?" "I won't date." "I'll be here with you, all the time." "Really?" "But I'm being so unreasonable." "True, but you're allowed to be unreasonable." "You're having our baby." "Oh..." "Ross, thank you, thank you." "You feel better?" "No, not really." "You're pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee." "Sorry." "Uh, Rach?" "Yeah?" "Just one thing." "We live together, you're having our baby..." "I'm not going to see anybody else." "Are you sure you don't want something more?" "Wow." "I don't know." "Maybe." "Rach, I was just messing around." "Like you did last night when I had to pee." "I knew that, I knew that." "I was just messing with you, too." "Okay, okay, because for a minute you seemed..." "No, no, no, no!" "That's just 'cause I'm such a good messer." "Rach?" "Yeah?" "The bathroom?" "Right." "I had a great time." "Learned how to bake, ate great food." "It's the first A I've gotten since seventh grade and I didn't have to sleep with the teacher this time." "Oh, look, acting for beginners." "Hey, want to feel good about yourself?" "What the hell." "Okay." "All right, let's start with some basics." "Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?" "Yeah, this was a stupid idea."