"Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega..." "Just as much of a dump as it was when I went to Hamilton." "How do you live here?" "How do you live here?" "You know, they're actually cool guys." "Cool guys?" "Let me get this straight:" "I'm paying 40 grand a year for my son to be a creative writing major and live with a bunch of cool guys?" "Dad, you don't have to be sarcastic." "What was your g.P.A. Last semester?" " It was a 3.4." " When I went to Hamilton, I got nothing but 4.0s." "How do you expect to get into a decent law school with a 3.4?" "Dad-- - are you even looking into law school?" "Dad, I'm only a freshman!" "I'm not even sure if I want to be a lawyer." "Pledge!" "Pledge!" "How was your Christmas?" "Look what Santa brought me." " Oh god, rich." " No more rash." "You must be pledge's dad." "How are you?" "I'll see you at parents' weekend." "He's not gonna stay for the party?" " Pledge, don't miss anything." " All right." " Pledge, don't miss anything." " All right." "Pick it all up now." "Aw, come on!" "U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!" "Hey-o!" "What do we got over here?" "What do we got?" "Hold that for a second." "It's okay, don't worry about it." "Hold that." "Are you writing about the party?" "Pledge, all right, look at this, okay?" "This is a party." " That's my journal!" " It's a party." " Let's go!" "Come on!" " Attention, Hamilton." " Let's go!" "Come on!" " Attention, Hamilton." "Four score and many beers ago our forefathers" " You're doing a shot." " I can't do a shot tonight." "Dude, you're fresh out of a two-year relationship." "You're doing a shot." "Let's go." "I'm the keymaster." "Merkhaus, it's really" "I shouldn't." "It's inappropriate." "Hey, who wants t-brow to do a shot?" "Come on." "Come on, t-brow." "All right, just one." "This is the only shot I'm taking tonight." "Whooooaaa!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "What's your major?" "Women's studies." "Yeah." "Studying women, I understand." "So, um, do you want to go to the back room and show me how you swab a deck?" "All right." "Let's go." "What's the next stop for the "night train"?" "What's the next stop for the "night train"?" " The pros?" " Actually, my fraternity's throwing a party tonight." "You got it." "Down the hatch." "Down the hatch." "Down the hatch!" "There you go!" "Animal!" "Oooh." "Mmm, yeah!" "Keymaster!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "T-brow!" "Yo, Richie." "What are you doing, man?" "I'm not doing anybody right now, I'll tell you that." "I hung out with sailor." "She took me to sea." "She wrapped her net around me, and I saw something bigger than I've ever seen before." "So why is your omega name "El nino"?" "Because I come at you like a storm, you know what I'm saying?" "Because I come at you like a storm, you know what I'm saying?" "Like torrential downpour and shit." " So what's your omega name?" " Um..." "Shut up, pledge!" "He doesn't have one yet, okay?" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega..." "Whoa." "What a night, huh?" " Shut up, pledge." " Ow." "Oh hey, what time is it?" "Uh, it's 2:30?" " P.M.?" " Yeah." "Damn it, pledge, why are you waking us up so early?" "You sure the meeting was supposed to start at 2:00?" "No, giles, I decided to take half an hour out of our day to come sit here in the Greek board room." "Of course I'm sure!" "Rico!" "Rico!" " Rico!" " What are you doing here, Max?" "The omegas..." " Canceled the Greek board meeting." " Canceled?" "!" " Canceled the Greek board meeting." " Canceled?" "!" " I never got a memo." " Um, well, they had a huge party last night, and because of that" " I mean, they control the board." "That's it!" "I've had it up to here" "With these omegas." "It's the first meeting of spring semester and they can't make it because they're too busy partying?" "Remember last year during finals when they went streaking to the library?" "Naked Christmas caroling fundraiser, sir." "How about the time when they used the science lab for a beer pong tournament?" "How about the time when they used the science lab for a beer pong tournament?" "All those beakers." "Or the time when they canceled our quiz show because night train wanted to call a press conference about his favorite food!" "Corn dogs with teriyaki sauce." "And there was that time a few years ago at their rush." "Ohhh." "Things are going to change around here this semester." "The omegas' days of doing whatever they want are about to end and the rico Larsen era in charge of Greek board is about to begin." "And the rico Larsen era in charge of Greek board is about to begin." "I'm running for Greek board president." "Rico, you did that last year and you lost by 99% of the vote." "That was last year!" "This year things are going to change." "The omegas have an 88-year streak controlling the board." "It doesn't matter who runs against them." " They always win." " Then we need a new strategy, don't we?" "Instead of trying to beat the omegas, it's time to break them." "It's time to break them." "So last night's total was an estimated 1,054 party attendees." "Only a thousand?" "I thought we had, like, close to 1500 last year." "That's true, but this year we actually eclipsed last year's two-to-one girl-to-guy ratio and jacked it up to three to one." "So we may have had less guests overall, so we may have had less guests overall, but we had more chicks, hence a better party, which enhances the probability that our next party will be epic." "Nice." "Good man, 39." "Did you get around to making the assignments for this semester's rush?" " Mm-hmm." " I like." " Hodges." " Thank you." " Richie Sambora." " Thank you." "Where's t-brow?" "Oh, he's passed out in the other room." "Whatever, pledge." "More for you." "Merkhaus." " Stick that up your ass." " Real nice, dude." " Pledge." " What?" " Pledge." " What?" " Thames." " Mmm." "Now before you see your assignment, it's important to note that this semester omega's looking for a different breed." "We don't really have too much room in the frat considering it's spring, so we need to be extra careful in choosing any new pledges." "Maybe it's chicks." "What are you waiting for, pledge?" " Broads." "The door." "Go!" " What?" "Stop!" "Get the door!" " What's wrong with you?" " All right, I'm going." " What's wrong with you?" " All right, I'm going." "He's been very disrespectful." "Man, I want waffles." "You gotta go a little easy on the mustard there, night." "Um, guys?" "You might want to take a look at this." "Just send the girls in, dude." "No seriously, guys." "You need to come see this." "All right." "Jeez." "This better be good." "It's a baby." "Does he belong to one of you guys?" "Yo, maybe someone left him here after the party last night." "They sent out a message, and so we found him here." "Hey, man, what's your name?" "Look, he's got a note." ""The baby is yours"?" "Don't that thing have batteries we can take out?" "All right, so I Wikipedia-ed "babies" over here, and it says that "babies cry as a form of instinctive communication."" "And it says that "babies cry as a form of instinctive communication."" " So the baby's trying to talk to us?" " Tell him to speak English!" "Yeah, what is he, some sort of immigrant baby?" " It's a male." " Maybe he's crying because he's hungry." "All right, if you were a baby what would you eat?" "I know I could go for a bagel right now." "Man, you go for a bagel because you're a Jew." "Oh, so you're gonna be prejudiced now?" "What if I said you want a burrito because you're Mexican?" "I cut you!" "Wait, whoa whoa whoa." "El nino, doesn't your name wait, whoa whoa whoa." "El nino, doesn't your name" " mean "baby boy" in Mexican?" " Hey, man, you calling me a baby?" "Pull the knife." "Think about it." "El nino means "the baby boy." Right?" " Si." " You're the key to what we should fee" "You gonna try to take my keys?" " Ese, I take the bus." " I understand." "All right, class." "First day and all." "I am very excited." "I am professor street and this is the history of Hamilton university." "I see some supple supple young-- Young minds." "Supple young-- Young minds." "Why don't we go around and introduce ourselves?" "Starting with the young lady in the yellow dress." "What should I say?" "I don't know." "Start with..." "Your major, your name." "Okay, um, my name's Caitlin Greene and I don't actually have a major yet." "All right, all right, how about, uh..." "You with the sanitizer and the glasses." "And the glasses." "'Kay." "Okay, my name is Rex moonberry." "I am a western Asian anthropology major." "But my true passion is the language of dolphins." "You see, when dolphins say," ""ee ee ee ee ee!"" "That means they're hungry for fish." "When they say, "ee eee ee ee,"" "that means they're hungry for love." "And when they say" " Fair enough, Rex." "Let's go..." "And when they say" " Fair enough, Rex." "Let's go..." "How about the sexy gentleman with the green water bottle on his desk." "Oh, uh, me?" "Hi." "Um, my name is pledge." "I mean, Kyle." "My name is Kyle." "And I'm a..." " Creative writing" " Sit down, nerd!" "I could see this is going nowhere." "I could see this is going nowhere." "How about we talk about steak mungro, the greatest Greek board president ever to live." "Ever." " I don't want to talk about it." " Hey!" "Hey, guys, yo." " It's none of your business." " What's up?" "I just got out of class." " So who's baby do you think it is?" " Yours." " What?" "Really?" " I don't know, 39." " Okay?" "I'm not Columbo." " I don't think it's mine." " How do you know that?" " I don't know." " I think it's yours." " I think you should blow me." " Wow, intelligent." "Nice." " Thanks for giving me fair warning" " wow, intelligent." "Nice." " Thanks for giving me fair warning on the cancellation of the Greek board meeting today, collison." " You're welcome." " Well, I'll have you know that I declared my candidacy for Greek board president today." "Since Hodges is a senior, I take it one of you two dopes" " will probably run against me." " Didn't you learn your lesson last year?" "The better question would be what lessons have you learned since last year?" "Okay, that doesn't make sense." " Think about it." " I just did." "That doesn't make sense." " See you around!" " I hope not." " See you around!" " I hope not." " Excuse me." " Yeah, do that." "Here comes spider-man!" "That's not gonna work, dude." "Babies don't like spider-man." "They like..." "I don't know." "Here comes babar!" "I don't think anybody likes babar." "Here comes a keg!" "Yo, that baby likes beer." "Yo, that could be his name." "Yo?" "No no no, beer." "No no no, beer." "I don't think that's the best idea, dude." "Hell, you're right." "We can't name the kid beer." "That's a white boy's name." "We need something cool, something black." "Like d.M.X." " President dumervile!" " Hello, rico." "I'm sure you're really busy." "I'd like to bring something to your attention." " I am busy, I am." " Yeah okay, this won't take a moment." "I've just come from the first meeting of the spring semester Greek board." "Oh, I didn't know you were on that." "Yes." "We raised money." "Remember last year?" " I forgot." " To help finish the science project?" " Yeah, of course, uh-huh." " Yeah, anyway, the omegas" " yeah, of course, uh-huh." " Yeah, anyway, the omegas again failed to notify anyone and didn't turn up." "Oh no, really?" "Oh, bad them, bad them!" " Okay well, I'm sure it's fine." "Don't worry about it." " Excuse me?" "I said it was fine." "Don't worry about it." "Don't make a big deal about it." " Have another meeting." " I don't like your sarcastic attitude." "Oh, come on." "Hey, somebody's blood pressure is up." " You need to eat." " Excuse me." "Who do you think" "You're not a doctor." "You're president of this college, and you should be setting an example by teaching these idiots that it is not acceptable-- - first of all, we do not have to use those words, okay?" "So today may not have been exactly what we thought we were getting into when we decided to begin this semester's rush." "Nevertheless, I present to you our newest omega." "Gentlemen, allow me to introduce kegston omega!" "It was my idea to name him something beer-related." "Wait, hang on." "If he's gonna be an omega, doesn't that mean he has to pledge first?" " Can he be my pledge?" " No way, man." "I saw him first." "Um, no, I saw him first." "Remember the whole get-the-door- it's-chicks thing?" "Remember the whole get-the-door- it's-chicks thing?" "If kegston's going to be an omega, he's going to be all of our pledge." "This morning we were bros, members of a brotherhood." "Tonight, we're dads." "Members of a fraternal fatherhood." "Okay, I agree we should pledge kegston, but we shouldn't we all take a paternity test to see who the real father is?" "You know, truth be told, that paternity test was actually fairly easy." "At first I was like, "screw that, bro." "At first I was like, "screw that, bro." "I got enough 'tests' as it is,"" "but that one wasn't so bad." "I can't believe that girls are so into babies." "You would think they'd like us less considering that we'd had a child out of wedlock or something." "You are so gay!" " How'd everything go?" " Good, man." "I tell you, this baby's like a magnet." "Chicks can't get enough of him, you know." "I got three numbers, and he got a flower." " Did he eat?" " No, man, I guess he wasn't hungry." "We took him to taco world and everything." "We took him to taco world and everything." "But I got three combos, didn't I?" "I ate them for you." " Yes, he did." " Don't touch him." "Don't babies drink milk?" "Like from tits?" "Yeah." "You know what?" "I know where we can get plenty of those." "Breast milk over here!" "Breast milk donations!" "Come over here, put your jug in the cup." "Donate your breast milk for kegston!" "Wow, you guys are really horny or really dumb." "You wanna donate some breast milk over here?" "What, you guys run a train or something?" "What, you guys run a train or something?" "Nah nah." "Actually, he was left on our doorstep." " We just thought we'd take him in." " Kinda like Moses." "All right, I don't know what to say to that, but you guys do know that you had to have been pregnant to lactate for breast milk?" "Mmmm." "So you're saying we can't get breast milk from hos?" "No." "Then where are we supposed to get some?" " The abortion clinic!" " Yeah." " That's a good idea." " You guys are really dumb." "All right, look." "There's a thing called formula." "All right, look." "There's a thing called formula." "You know?" "You get it at a drugstore?" "Yeah yeah yeah." "Like at big Vic's house." " Oh." " No no no, not "drug dealer."" "Drugstore." "All right, look." "You three guys get in the car, go to the supermarket." "Look for baby supplies." "Get everything on the shelf." "And, thames, uh, you do what you do." "Good luck." " Hodges?" " Yeah?" " Hodges?" " Yeah?" "We should get this-- This tape over here." " What is it?" " We should get it for kegston," " but we should get two of them." " "Pokey dokey"?" " Yeah." " Oh, okay." " How much do you think this is gonna cost?" " I don't know." " But we're gonna need it all." " Hi guys." "Hey, pledge, what are you doing here?" "Uh well, what are you doing here?" " It's awesome, - that'll work." " Yeah, it's a keg crib for the baby." " Yo, guys, what's up?" "Hey-oh!" "What do you boys think?" "Hey-oh!" "What do you boys think?" " Huh, pretty cool." " What's in the bags?" "Tons of baby stuff." "Enough to wipe out the omega savings account." "What?" "Do you realize how long it took me to balance our budget for this semester?" "Okay, 39, let's not forget you're only the omega rush chairman." "And treasurer and vice president." "But I'm the president of the omega house." "I have final say on what we spend our money on." "Yeah, and as the treasurer, it's my duty to make sure we have funds." "I can't do that if you're spending them all." " We're not completely broke, dude!" " How much is left?" " Like $27." " Oh my god, Hodges!" "You are completely irresponsible." "Our parents and trustees are gonna kill us when they hear we blew through over five grand in less than a week." "And they're not gonna come after you." "They're gonna come after me because they know you're completely incapable!" "You know, I thought about it long and hard and, uh, came to a decision that, uh, my favorite food is corn dogs with teriyaki sauce." "That's it!" "That's reason why everyone loves the omegas" "Because they're so visible." "You can't exactly join the football team, rico." "You can't exactly join the football team, rico." "I'm not suggesting that, numskull!" "What I'm suggesting is what if we find a way to turn the omegas reputation" " against them?" " Hmm." " Ow!" " Idiots!" " Ow ow!" " Sorry." "You hit the broken part." "Don't touch it anymore." "I guess he doesn't like the keg crib." "Ungrateful." "Should we play with him or something?" "Maybe one of us should stay up with him." "We can take turns." "Yeah, good idea." "It's your turn, buddy." " Hmph." " Good night, Hodges." "Spending all our money." "What do you want, little guy?" "You hungry?" "Want some food?" "Milk?" "Toys?" "How's your diaper?" "You want me to sing you a lullaby?" "Okay." "♪ You move like this, you slide like that ♪" "♪ you wiggle real slow... ♪" "♪ And then you dance real fast ♪" "♪ and then you dance real fast ♪" "♪ you do it all over, but you change it all around ♪" "♪ then you jump off the ground... ♪" "Shut up!" "Hey." "Hodges." "Hey, pledge." "Sit down." "I'm just trying to figure out how we're gonna get out of this debt." "Yeah, the guys seem pretty mad about it." "Yeah, the guys seem pretty mad about it." "Yeah, I understand they're mad." "We're broke." "You know, raising a baby's expensive." "Yeah." "I mean, I just think that, uh..." "That, uh..." " What are you doing?" " Shhh." "Oh!" "I get it." "Pledgy-poo has a little crush." "Shh." "Please, don't do anything to embarrass me." "Please, don't do anything to embarrass me." "Are you gonna tell me what's going on?" "Okay, I kinda liked her, but El nino smacked me in the nuts when I was getting to know her." "Hmm." "Do you think she liked you back?" "Yeah." "No, I don't know." " I mean, it was at the stars, stripes and strippers..." " Shhh!" "...party." "She probably doesn't even remember me." "She probably doesn't even remember me." "There was like a thousand people there." "Wait a second." "That gives me an idea." " You know how some parties charge money to get in?" " Yeah, those parties suck." "Yeah." "No no no." "That's beside the point." "What I mean is if people will pay to get into those parties, which, as you said, suck, they're definitely gonna pay to get into one of ours." "What's going on, guys?" "Nothing besides I'm hungry and all we have is baby food!" "Nothing besides I'm hungry and all we have is baby food!" "Wait, what happened to all that corn I bought?" "It's all good, guys." "Look, pledge and I" "Actually, pledge here figured out what we need to do to get rid of our debt." "Um, I've managed this fraternity's funds for the past two years." "We've never been in this bad of a financial situation." "Something pledge would know nothing about." "Look, pledge may not have been here for a long time, but if there's one thing we taught him, it's how to party." "You wanna know about that corn?" "Let me tell you about the corn." "Let me tell you about the corn." "It took me six damn years to raise that shit!" " When you rip it up..." " What does throwing a party have to do with us being broke?" "Well, everything, actually." "We can throw a party to make money." "You know, it'll be like a kind of fundraiser." "We can charge admission at the door, ask for donations." "The last party we had actually cost us three grand." "And that was ultra low budget for an omega party." "This time around, we don't even have enough money for the beer." "I probably can get about 10 to 15 kegs of beer from the guys on the football team." " Yeah!" " Okay, great." "Look," " yeah!" " Okay, great." "Look, 39, you said at the last party" " we had over a thousand people, right?" " Yeah." "All right." "So if each person donates like, what, five dollars," " that means we'd make..." " $5,000." "A lot of money." "Yeah, you said so yourself." "Our next party is gonna be epic." "Yeah, but this is all irrelevant because we do not charge money for our parties." "Oh, come on, man." "It's easy." "It's like taking candy from a baby" " and giving it back to the baby." " You know, I'm in." " I'm in too." " What's it gonna be, 39?" " I'm in too." " What's it gonna be, 39?" "Come on, man." "Come on." "All right, all right!" " All right!" " All right." "But seriously, guys, if we don't pull this off, you guys have to be prepared to either declare bankruptcy, which would eliminate our status as a recognized fraternity, or give up kegston." "So the omegas think that throwing a keg party with a baby in their custody is a good idea." "With a baby in their custody is a good idea." "Wait, who has the baby?" "The omega's, you mule." " The omegas have a baby?" " That's what I said, is it not?" "Yeah, I just-- No, I just" "Well, we'll see what the local authorities have to say when they hear about this." "I predict that not only will the omegas go to jail, but their bad reputation will ruin their stupid fraternity forever." "Ah." "But how is local law enforcement ah." "But how is local law enforcement even going to hear about the party?" "I mean, 'cause omega parties never get broken up." "Leave that to me." "♪ Baby, if you're down ♪" "♪ we can turn this world around... ♪" "Pledge, hey listen, we're putting baby powder in the beer." "What-- what are you talk" "What-- what are you talk" "Ow." "Ow!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." " Are you okay?" " It's-- yeah, I'm fine." "I'm sorry." "Hi, yeah, I'm good." " Okay." " Hi." "Hi, I'm Kyle." "I thought your name was pledge." "I'm kidding." "I'm Caitlin." "Oh well, d-d-do you want a drink or something?" " Um..." " Yeah no, I'm fine." " I just" " Yeah, sure." " Yeah?" " You sure you're okay?" " Yeah?" " You sure you're okay?" "Yeah, I was just more surprised than anything." " Yeah, sure, yeah." " Okay okay." "All right." "Yeah, let me just" "With your legs, not your back." "Who's the dude?" "That dude is steak mungro." "He was the omega president when I was a pledge." "Nice." "So you guys still keep in contact?" "Only in my prayers." "What happened?" "He died in a motorcycle race against time." "Against time." "Oh, come on." "Please?" " What's going on here?" " Please." "The girl want to know why they call him 39." " Come on, man." " Hmm." "Two years ago, 39 here was an omega pledge." "That year as part of the initiation, we decided to time how long each omega pledge lasted in bed." "Whoever lasted the shortest amount of time would forever be known for how long they lasted." "Or lack thereof." " It's true, I was there." " Good job." "Whoa whoa." "Who called the wahmbulance?" "Whoa whoa." "Who called the wahmbulance?" "Hello, boys." "How's it going?" "The phi tau tau's are here." "Here's a hundred bucks." "Be good chaps and give us all cups, will you?" "Oh, I want change as well from that." "Hey, where's my cup!" "Hey, give me my cup." " Hey, you big animal." " Kegston's adorable." "Isn't he, though?" "He's like got the cutest cheeks and the hair." "They're huge." "I don't know how he walks around with them." "Yeah, he walks around." " He's not yours, right?" " No." "Um, there's no possible way he could be mine." "Um, there's no possible way he could be mine." "Now Richie on the other hand" "Does he talk like that?" " Kegston?" " No, Richie." "Oh." "Y-yeah." "♪ Shake... ♪" "Oh my gosh, he's so cute!" "Hi!" " I change his diapers." " Hello!" " I change his diapers." " Hello!" "Oh, are you the father?" "Actually, uh, I'm the father too." "Really?" "You are?" " Yeah." " Oh my gosh, that's so great that they let you guys adopt." "You know, some couples aren't as lucky as you guys." "In some states, it's not legal for same-sex couples to adopt." "Oh, but you're so lucky." "No smoking." "There's a baby in the house." "Aye aye, captain." "I said there's a baby in the house!" "So I've been thinking about publishing my memoirs and calling them, How I bring the rain."" "'Cause El nino's like a state of mind, you know." "And I was-- - actually, El nino is a climate pattern that occurs in the tropical pacific ocean about every five years, affecting the surface temperature of the ocean water and the pressure of the air above it," "resulting in global climate anomalies, some of which are drastic." "It's awesome." "What?" " Tell me one thing." " What?" " Tell me one thing." " What?" "Me too!" "Is this a party?" "Yeah, is there a problem?" " We got a noise complaint." " Oh, sorry, sir." " We can turn down the music." " We also hear that there could be a baby living here." "Is that a problem?" "Yes, that is a problem." "Yeah, 'cause I want to know what kind of disgraceful, moronic inbred would call the cops on such a fine group of young gentlemen." "To raise a child at your age?" "I" " I am impressed." "To raise a child at your age?" "I" " I am impressed." " Thanks, man." " I agree, 'cause I got two of my own at home and I gotta tell" "Excuse me, officers." "A keg party is hardly a place to keep a baby, eh?" "Surely one of you fine strapping civil servicemen will call somebody." "What did you just say, nerd?" "Nerd?" "Did you just call me a nerd, Mr. pig?" "Oink oink!" "Why don't you toddle off back to your bacon wagon?" "Go back to the station, have a big jolly with all your friends." "You have the right to remain silent, nerd." "Oh now, just you listen!" "Who do you think you are?" "Oh now, just you listen!" "Who do you think you are?" "Do you know who my father is?" "He invented electricity!" "Class of '98." "You know, Dillon?" "Class of '93." "Damn, night train is going for a record up there." "It's been really great." "I thought it was hilarious you guys hired fake cops to kick rico out of the party." " I hope you get enough money for kegston." " Yeah, I hope so." " Tell 'em I said bye." " I" " I really hope we get out of this situation." "So the total profit for the party so the total profit for the party is $14,503." "Did you hear what I just said?" "14" "You know what?" "I'm going up there and I'm gonna get seconds." " No, that's-- it's fine." " They" "It's not a big deal." "Say it louder." "You like that, huh?" "Oh, night train, night train." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Night train!" "Night train!" "What the hell you doing here?" "I don't know." "Just trying to get to it, you know?" "I don't know." "Just trying to get to it, you know?" "Get the hell outta here, Sambora!" "Anyway, um, would you ever want to, like, hang out outside of here, like somewhere else?" "Yeah." " Sure." " Really?" "Yeah." "That'd be fun." "Okay, let's do it." "I mean, let's hang out, of course." " Right." "Okay." " Yeah." "Um, cool." "I'll see you around." " Yeah." " Okay." " Okay." " Bye." "Bye." "Yeah." "Boom, I'm going." "Ain't gonna stop me." "Alexander Hamilton was the first treasurer of the United States of America." "Do we wanna push it up over here or we wanna push it up over there?" "You have very very light hair." "That?" "That's steak mungro." ""Do ye know the white whale then, Tash?"" "Gonna go up, swoop swoop swoop," " over there." " Hut!" "You gotta do what you wanna do, otherwise" "You gotta do what you wanna do, otherwise" "You want some?" "In a little bit, okay?" "♪ Yeah!" "♪" "♪ Lie down and fight ♪" "♪ lie down and fight ♪" "♪ if I am not a man, what am I?" "♪" "♪ Yeah!" "♪" "This is my mask." "That is a-- Stuffed animal." "Okay, man, you got it." "All right." "It's-- I don't know, man." "I do it 'cause I'm scared, you know?" "You know what else?" "He was shot by Aaron burr in 1804." "It was very sad." "Hopefully, one day, you'll become that man." "My brother." ""And the great shroud of the sea rolled on as it rolled five thousand years ago."" "The end." "The end." "You know, I still don't understand how you're graduating college and yet you can't remember to put the diaper on a baby before you put him in the crib." "Hey, you know what, pledge?" "Enough." "You don't understand the pressure of having to actually graduate college." "When my aunt Debbie graduated college, she opened up an orphanage, an orphanage for midgets." "It went really well until they started getting their hands on candy." "Couple years later, we never heard from aunt Debbie again." "Anyways, this is boring." "I'm up for getting some drinks and some food." "What's up?" "I'm up for getting some drinks and some food." "What's up?" "You're buying, man?" "I saw you got drafted." "Congrats, by the way, on the draft." "That's sick." " What's this, man?" " He-- night train got drafted." "What do you mean?" "Everybody knew that." "Oh my god, man, you got drafted?" "You're going to Iraq, ese?" "Oh, man, you're gonna die!" "You're gonna be like with the freedom and the bullets." "They be like-- They're gonna shoot you!" "That's not good for you!" "I don't want you to die!" "You're my brother!" " I stand in the bullet for you!" " El nino, El nino." "He got-- he's gonna play football." " I'm so confused." " Man, look see, that's what you get for smoking that emotional stuff." " It's 'cause it's cheap!" " Anyways, this is kegston's stuff." " It's 'cause it's cheap!" " Anyways, this is kegston's stuff." "I'm not gonna clean this up and I can't" "Dude, kegston's an infant." "He can't clean up his own room." "Say one more thing again and you'll be cleaning my girdle." "What's up?" "I'm as hungry as a bulimic hippo." "Man, I want waffles." "Whiff." "Meow." " Hmm." " Hmm." "Yes-sss." "Yeah-hhhh?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "I propose that we put jaegermeister in all the water fountains around campus, and especially in the quad." "'Cause I feel the girls there will be more compelled to show their breasts." " They have the biggest breasts out of the whole school." " Objection!" "The female anatomy is not something to be drooled over." "The female anatomy is not something to be drooled over." "I propose that we stop making me the accountant." "Just because I'm brown doesn't mean I'm good at math." "Objection!" "It means exactly that." "I propose we initiate a school-wide manhunt for the former brilliant actor Rick moranis." "Objection!" "Rick moranis's whereabouts are a matter for national security only." "Hmm." "Whatever did happen to him?" "Don't know." "All right." "Got all the notes from school." "I've got nothing else to add so" "Hold it right there, hodgkinson." "Hold it right there, hodgkinson." "Do you remember your little" " kegger for kegston a few weeks ago?" " Yeah, how was jail?" "Laugh all you want, collison." "My brief incarceration allowed me to catch up on a little reading." "I have some paperwork here that you might be interested in." "I seriously doubt it." ""Article 7k:" "All members of university- affiliated fraternities must be enrolled as full-time students." "Must be enrolled as full-time students." "Furthermore, no non-affiliated students or otherwise can live in university Greek housing."" " Does that include babies?" " Oh, why yes, it does." "Oh, but don't worry." "I'm sure there'll be an opening at the local orphanage." "It'll actually be an upgrade coming from the omega home." "Meeting adjourned!" "Meeting adjourned?" "What are you talking about?" "Dude, the omegas control the Greek board." "Not for long." "Not for long." "Maybe we could just hide him, you know?" "Dress him up like he's a little koala bear or something." "Build him a tree house." "Whoosh." "Yeah!" "Nobody would even notice." "That's illegal in so many ways." "What if we" "What if we" "What if we oil him?" "Hey, guys, I think I found a loophole." "What are you talking about?" "What are you talking about?" "If we can get kegston enrolled at Hamilton, then he can live with us and he can remain an omega." "Uh, yeah, pledge, that's brilliant, except how are we gonna get a baby enrolled in a university?" "Wow." "All right." "Let me just get this straight, guys." "You found a baby on your doorstep." " Yup." " And then you took him back to the omega house." " That sounds about right." " And now you want me to allow you to let kegston become a student to allow you to let kegston become a student at Hamilton so he can remain an omega?" "Yeah, if you don't mind." "Well, it's kind of a ridiculous request." "And though I do love all of you because you do so much for the school" "I mean, Rodney and Nicholas and Matthew, you are, like, so high on my list of everything that you do," " because I so appreciate" " What about me?" "I don't even know you." "Anyway, um..." "Look, I so wish I could give my permission to do this for you guys." "Look, I so wish I could give my permission to do this for you guys." "I really do!" "I would love to be able to say," ""yes, take the baby." "Raise the baby." "Be happy with the baby."" "I love babies." "I wish I had a baby, but I've had some complications." "Anyway, I wish I could allow this to happen, but rules are rules." "My hands are tied." "I'm just not going to be able to." "We understand." "We really do." "Thank you so much." "Sure, no problem." "Okay." "Okay, have a good day." "Well, that didn't go so well." "♪ Perfect people in this world... ♪" "Come on, that's how you do it." "That's how you do it, right?" "I got this." "I got this." "Move out, man." "I got this." "Yeah!" "Just right." "Renato, the first thing you did wrong is you had the laces in." "They supposed to be out." "And, El nino, there is no way you're gonna make the football team." "I could tell coach anything I want-- me and kegston can lie" " And you still ain't gonna make it." " But let me play, man." " Let me play." " You ain't gonna make the Mexico soccer team" " with that kick." " But I come to you with this," " with that kick." " But I come to you with this," " this little dream of mine" " Well well well." "Look what I found." "What is this, a shades of brown meeting?" "So which one of you einsteins has worked out whose mongrel child this is, eh?" "Huh?" "None of you?" "Well, bit too optimistic on my part, I see." "I'm gonna go back to my chess game, a real man's sport." "See how far playing football gets you." "You all know what?" "This gives me a good idea." "This gives me a good idea." "Hamilton university has given me all that I can ask for." "They took me off the streets and they made my mama proud by giving me a chance to do what I love, and that's playing football." "And now that I'm going pro, I plan to give back." "And not just by building some pool or donating a couple of weights." "No, I plan to give back for real, and that's the reason why today I unveil to you..." "The Rodney Maine infant scholar fellowship!" "The Rodney Maine infant scholar fellowship!" "Each year, I will sponsor the full tuition of an underprivileged infant who just wants the opportunity to get what I've been given:" "A chance to be a Hamilton duelo." " Wow, that's great." " Boy, this is a really historic moment." "Unprecedented." "Bravo!" "Please refer all further questions to my consigliere merkhaus." " How did he come up with the" " Wait your turn." "Why don't you wait your turn there, chief?" "Infant scholar fellowship!" "What sort of a country is this?" "What sort of a country is this?" ""I score touchdowns." "I'm dangerously charming." "I want to give babies" "An education."" "Idiots!" "Well, we'll see who has the last laugh." "Hey, fellas, can y'all do me a favor?" "Don't mention the kegger for kegston night." "Don't mention the kegger for kegston night." "'Cause moms provides a beatdown like a bongo." "Okay." "Speaking of which, they should be here any second now." "What should I do with this thing?" "Hey!" "Anybody living in here?" " Hey, mama." " Hey, baby." " Ooh, boy, you skinny!" " Let me get that for you." " All right." "Y'all eating?" " Thank you very much." "Huh-uh." "Are any of y'all eating well?" " We will now." " Just skinny." " How you doing, Mrs. Maine?" " Oh, wonderful." " Don't be kissing my mama." " All right!" "Hey, dad." "That shirt looks familiar." "I wondered where it'd gotten." "Oh, look how adorable!" "Oh!" "What's that smell?" " What's a baby doing here?" " Um..." "He's even cuter than you said he was gonna look, Rodney." "I think it's a great thing that you boys are raising this child, I really do." "Yeah." "Fatherhood is really carving you boys into men." "It's a damn shame those nerds, the phi ta-ta's, are trying to take him away." "The phi ta-ta's, are trying to take him away." "Wait." "This fraternity is raising that baby?" "Whose is it?" " Well, we don't exactly" " Oh boy!" "You're the only family I got, t-brow." "Hey." "I love you." "As shitty as you are in darts, nobody would want to claim you." "Oh yeah?" "Whoa!" "Still got it, old man." "Love you, you son of a bitch." "Fuck." "Thanks for coming, dad." "I wouldn't miss it for nothing." "Dad, this is t-brow." "T-brow, this is my dad." "Dad, this is t-brow." "T-brow, this is my dad." " What's up?" " It's cool, it's cool." "You know..." "Now let me get this straight, with the accent on the word "straight."" "You live in a house with a bunch of guys." "Can you tell me, please, why a pair of men's underwear is framed on your wall here?" "Can you?" "Can you tell me?" "No, I can't tell you." "I don't know." "Does prince Charles know that you've got his" "Buttless underwear up there in a frame?" "What's that about?" "Pansy." "Come on." "Want to play with us?" "Pansy." "Come on." "Want to play with us?" "We got you!" "Come on, eses." "Let'sgo." "Hey, Waldo, what's up with the do-rag?" "You're from Ohio." "Dad, do not call me Waldo." "Here, my name is El nino." " Come on!" " Is that a weather pattern?" "Dad, you're ruining my credit!" "Come on, man!" "Hey, are you using one of those marijuana sticks?" "What?" "No!" "I cut you!" "Respeta a tu padre!" "At least one of us has balls." "I'm sorry, mami!" "I'm sorry, mami!" "Well, I know he ain't Rodney's." "Have you looked at the color of his eyes?" "I'll tell you right now, I know he's not merkhaus' 'cause number one, he's not smoking." "And I been close to the kid-- He don't smell like bourbon." "Let me tell you about the omega class of 1932." "Yeah." "The stocks were down" "Way way down." "Oh-ho!" "But so were the girls' skirts." "Oh-ho!" "But so were the girls' skirts." "Yeah!" "And we, the omegas, we invented the boobs!" "The way to go!" "The way to show!" "The way to get the job done, right?" "Skirts are down, the boobs are out." "Everything is flowing, man!" "Like who needed consequences?" "We're no candy-asses." "We got it done." "We made it work, baby." "The omega omega omega!" "The omega omega omega!" "Yeah!" " So who are these dudes?" " Well, that's renato and those are his two dads." "Uh, he's the dad." "I'm the father." "Hi, I'm Bruce!" "Ooh, score!" "Damn it!" "I mean, it's still just the second draft and..." "I'm actually considering, you know, changing some of the things on the page you're reading," " but" " Mm-hmm." "And this is what I'm spending 40 grand a year for?" "What I'm spending 40 grand a year for?" "You writing little short stories about college parties, huh?" " Yeah, it's self-reflective." " Oh." "Maybe that's what you should be doing, Kyle." "Reflecting on yourself." "Where are you headed in your life?" " Why he got to pick on him?" " Come on, dad." "What do you mean, "come on, dad"?" "You expect me to just sit here and be happy with what you're doing with your life?" "You are raising a baby in a frat house with a bunch of idiots." "Hey." "What's going on, Mr. motes?" "Did you hear that Kyle here is going to be representing the omegas did you hear that Kyle here is going to be representing the omegas" " in the upcoming Greek board election?" " You are?" " I am?" " He is." "Yeah, absolutely." "The omegas have an 88-year tradition of controlling the university Greek board." "Kyle here is going to be number 89." " Mm-hmm." " Well..." "Now that would look great on a law school application." "♪ Sweet and smooth ♪" "♪ your love is like chocolate... ♪" "Who are you, pussycat?" "I'm t-brow's mom." "Who are you?" "I'm merkhaus." "I'm merkhaus." "Are you, uh, really t-brow's mom?" "I'm as real as a mother can get." "I like that." "Here, try this." "Scrumptious." "Well, thanks, son, for the great snacks." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Congratulations on the Greek board." "I suppose that is an achievement." "Uh, do me a favor, would you?" " Would you find a real major?" " Okay." "And consider giving prince Charles back his underwear." " Okay." "Bye, dad." " May be getting cold." " Yeah." "Bye." " Bye-bye." "Later, Mr. motes." "Well, Mr. motes." " Oh my god." " You ready to take over this fraternity?" "Where's the cornbread?" "Why are you wearing my shirt?" "Why are you wearing my shirt?" "Are you constipated?" "So you guys still have no clue whose kid this is." " No." " All right, well, is there any hints?" "I mean, what's the baby into?" "Oh, he likes "the pokey dokey."" "Man, to hell with that "pokey dokey."" "All right, well..." "He doesn't look like thames." "And we know it's not t-brow's or pledge's." "And we know it's not t-brow's or pledge's." "Professor street?" "What is it?" "Now is it possible that it could be my child?" "I mean, not unless you had sex with Andre the giant in the past three years." "Right?" "I mean, the kid's bigger than you are." " It's not possible." " Maybe I'm just a late bloomer." "You keep telling yourself that." "That's a good call." "It was good." "Hey, guys, can I ask you a quick question?" "What's up, pledge?" "Well, I'm taking" "Caitlin out tonight." "Caitlin out tonight." " Nice." " I approve." "Um, anyway, I'm taking her out and I don't know where to go and so I was hoping you guys might have some suggestions." "Okay yeah, it stops right there and it goes right here." "Okay, pledge, let me ask you something:" " What do women love?" " Flowers?" "Booze." "Booze and dark chocolate." "This is what you're going to get-- Get a flask, half a bottle." "It doesn't really matter." "Take her to a park, alley." "It's irrelevant." "About halfway through the booze, offer her some dark chocolate." "Why?" "'Cause it's an aphrodisiac, my friend." "All right?" " She'll be wetter than ever before midnight." " Merk-  she'll be wetter than ever before midnight." " Merk" "Don't listen to anything he's saying, okay?" "Caitlin's a nice girl." "Take her to a really nice Italian restaurant." " Get a nice bottle of red wine." " I remember my first date." "We went mini-golfing." "And we ate and had a lot of fun." "And the best part was we really got to know each other as people." "Ugh." "Another." " That's a great idea." " Really?" "Yeah no, it's good because you can show your manly side." "You know, be aggressive." "Show you like sports." "Ultimately, what you want to do, you want to get that hole in one." "I'm not talking about the golf course." " I'm talking about putt-putt in her panties." " That is repulsive." "It's not repulsive when you're banging a girl in the back, you know that?" " It is repulsive, triple x!" " Just shut your mouth!" "Okay, mini-golf it is." "Yeah whoo!" "Clap it up." "Clap it up." "Clap it up!" " Go ahead." " Oh, um, which do you want?" "♪ Feel that deja voodoo electric... ♪" "Okay." "♪ With all the gangstas and all your friends ♪" "♪ making me want you like cheap trick... ♪" " Knees bent." " ♪ Is it right?" "♪" "♪ Is it wrong?" "♪" "♪ Are you lonely?" "♪" "♪ Do you want something for your soul?" "♪ - here you go." " Oh, right." " ♪ not your heart... ♪" " Oh, right." " ♪ not your heart... ♪" " Hit it hard." " ♪ but your body... ♪" " So it goes over the-- shoo." " ♪ I want to feel good ♪" "♪ I'll make you feel right ♪" "♪ 'cause when the party isn't planned..." "♪ - like that?" "♪ Forget your ex-boyfriends ♪" "♪ and your ex-girlfriends too...♪" "So, Mr. creative writing major, have you written anything lately?" " She's gorgeous." " Uh, yeah." " Sort of." " So what's it about?" " Sort of." " So what's it about?" "Well, um, it's kind of like my life as an omega." " Oh, here." " Yeah." "But, you know, not an expose, but kind of just telling the story how it is, you know?" "Rushing and pledging-- - getting your testicles smacked at parties." "Yeah..." "That's actually the title of the story." " ♪ I want to feel good... ♪" " I think that's really cool." "You're doing something you love and are passionate about." "You're doing something you love and are passionate about." "I still have no clue what I want to major in." "♪ When the party isn't planned forget... ♪" "My dad, he wants me to go to law school." " Is he a lawyer?" " Clap it up!" "Um, yeah, he's a prosecutor." "You know, I really don't want to go to law school, but that's all he ever talks about." "Sorry." "I just must sound like a baby." "No, it's okay." " I feel the same way too sometimes." " Clap it up!" " I feel the same way too sometimes." " Clap it up!" "Current polls show motes leading Larsen..." "Now the time where I can finally exact my revenge upon the omegas is rapidly approaching." "Revenge?" "For what?" "Yeah, rico, you're always talking about revenge against the omegas, but what are you getting revenge for?" "It was a long time ago." "I finally got to live my dream of rushing the omega fraternity." "Champions!" " Champions!" "Champions!" " Whoo!" " Champions!" " Yeah, champions!" "Champions!" "♪ We are the champions!" "♪" "Hello." "My name is rico." "Hello." "My name is rico." "Your name's... "Thams." Oh!" "It's thames." "My name's thames." "No no no, "thams."" " It's thames." " No, it's "thams."" "It's thames." "No, it's "thams," like the river?" "It runs down from-- Let's see" "Round about Oxford way, and it comes out through London" " and goes out into" " I said my name's thames." "Okay, your name's thames." "Okay." "Yeah." "Hello, my name is rico." "Excuse me." "I wonder if I could ask you a question about the" "I wonder if I could ask you a question about the" "Oh wow!" "It's steak mungro, the omega president." "Hi, my name's rico." "I've come all the way over from england to join this fraternity." "I heard you have so many hot chicks here, and I really want to get with girls." "Hi." "I hear you have the best girls." "Although..." "Yeah, I was expecting sort of better." "But I'm sure you've been with better before yourself." "Steak out." "Okay well, nice to talk to you, Mr. president." "Hey, do you want my number?" "Hey, maybe later on?" "Hey, do you want my number?" "Hey, maybe later on?" "Hi, hottie." "Oh yeah, cool." "Can I play?" "Hey, give me a go." "Hey, give me a go." "You all right?" "How you doing?" "You fancy some white action instead of some black action for a change?" "Hey, we could tag-team, couldn't we?" "Night and day." " What?" "!" "What'd you say?" " Black and white, that could be the new thing." "You shouldn't have said that." "Night train?" "Ow!" "Oh oh." "Like that?" "Huh, like that?" "They ripped my underwear, giving me what they called a wedgie from both sides." "Giving me what they called a wedgie from both sides." "That's a Melvin-wedgie hybrid." "I can't believe you rushed omegas." "It was a long time ago, but in the time since" "I have vowed to exact my revenge upon the omegas." "And now" "I finally found a way!" "♪ Don't let them go ♪" "♪ beware ♪" "♪ who your children stay with ♪" "♪ beware ♪" "♪ they're coming out tonight ♪" "♪ they're coming out tonight ♪" "♪ look out ♪" "♪ For the baby killers ♪" "♪ Watch out ♪" "♪ they coming to your town..." "♪ - boop boop." "He's so cute." "I'm just glad he's not mine." "Am I the first white girl you've ever been with?" "Hell no!" "Well, it only takes one white girl" " to make a white baby." " What?" " Mom?" " T-brow." " What are you doing here, mom?" " Have some respect!" " Hey, you're not my real dad!" " Hey hey!" "No fighting!" " You're not my real dad!" " I love her, okay?" " No, you don't." " I love her!" "You don't even know what love is!" "That's my boy!" "So, rico, I still don't understand what we're doing here." "So, rico, I still don't understand what we're doing here." "Shush, you idiot!" "You'll see soon enough." "Damn it, I feel like a jackass from back there with t-brow and his mom." "But you know what?" "F-it, because I love that woman, okay?" "And she loves me and if loving someone's a crime, lock me up and throw away the key, baby, 'cause I'm guilty." "What do you think about this?" "Goo-goo gah-gah?" "What?" " Gotcha!" " Damn it, renato!" "What the heck are you guys doing here?" "We'll be leaving now." "Go go go!" "Get out, get out!" "Definitely a good time." "It was." "Wait." "Isn't that the guy we gave an atomic wedgie to?" "Actually, night train, that was a wedgie-Melvin hybrid." "Where's Einstein going over here?" "Pledge, you might be interested in this." "Hey, rico, you might be interested in this." "Lemon meringue-- not bad." "Ah-hh!" "I'm going to crush you!" "I'm going to crush you!" "♪ Brandy!" "♪" "♪ Bra-aaandy... ♪" "Mind if I cut in?" " Sure." " I'll be over there in a minute." "So what's the matter, dude?" "I'm just really really nervous about the election." "I'm just really really nervous about the election." "What's there to be nervous about?" "You know an omega has won the election every year for the past 88 years." "Exactly." "Rico just gave me a copy of the "herald."" "He's beating me by 5% in the polls." "What if I lose?" "You should have just picked a better candidate." "Somebody like 39." "Everybody loves 39." "Forget rico." "And you're a much better candidate than 39." "And you're a much better candidate than 39." "I can hear you." "Yeah well, 39 is a legacy though." "And I'm just lucky you guys even let me in." "You're not lucky at all." "Part of the reason why I chose you to become my successor is because..." "I see in you what I could have been." "You have an opportunity to change things." "Learn from my mistakes." "Listen, you're gonna win the election and you're gonna make one hell of a president." "And you're gonna make one hell of a president." " You trust me?" " Yeah, I trust you." "Remember, be yourself." "♪ For you. ♪" " All right, this has gone beyond gay." " Uh, yeah." "I'll tell you something, night train." " I am never going back." " Hey, guys." "It must be Caitlin." "Come on in!" "I'm from child protective services." " Is this the omega house?" " Yeah." " Can we help you?" " There he is." " That's my son." " Your son?" "Whoa, excuse me!" "Oh, I was so worried." "See?" "I told you they had him!" "Thank goodness I took those pictures." "It seems as though you had illegal custody of someone else's child." "It seems as though you had illegal custody of someone else's child." "Wait." "How was it illegal?" "He was left on our doorstep." " Did you ever consider calling the authorities?" " We took a paternity test." " And what were the results?" " I don't know." "Did we ever get the results?" "I have some results here that you'll be interested in." "These blood results state that Mr. Larsen is the father of this child." "I shall have to think of a new name for you." "Oh, but how sweet is this?" "In the very spot where you once embarrassed me," "I take away everything" "I take away everything you ever cared about." "Rico out." "You know, before kegston showed up..." "I was thinking about sticking around for another year." "Figured "why not stay in college until you're 25?"" "I feel you, man." "I think I finally realized what it means to be an adult." "Something still just doesn't make any sense to me." "Why would rico's baby be on our doorstep?" " We gotta get him back." " He's not ours." "We gotta get him back." "Gotta get him back." " Jesus, merkhaus." " Pull yourself together, man." "Come on." " Gotta get him back." " Yeah look, I wanna get him back too, man, but he's not ours." "He may not have been conceived by one of us, he may not have been conceived by one of us, but he's definitely one of ours." "He's an omega." "We gotta get him back." "How do we make him stop?" " I don't know." "Do something!" " Like what?" "Anything." "What are you good at?" "I can tell really really good knock-knock jokes." " Let's hear one." " Knock knock." " Who's there?" " Fanny." "Fanny who?" "Fanny body calls, I'm out." "Fanny body calls, I'm out." "That's even worse." "You just-- You made it even worse." " Is that thing still crying?" " Yeah, rico, we've tried everything." "You're lucky I'm in a good mood." "I just got the latest poll results." "As word of the omegas' little child abduction continues to build, my numbers continue to skyrocket." "Why, if the election were held this instant, you'd be looking at the new Hamilton university" "Greek board president." "That way we can finally get the annual "farmer's almanac" ball approved!" "Actually, when I win, there will be no more phi tau tau." "No more fraternities, period." "No more resistance to my power." "I can't believe rico is using kegston to help him get votes." " This is dirty politics." " Hodges, pledge." "We just all came back from the quad." "I gotta tell you, pretty much the entire campus hates us right now." "I gotta tell you, pretty much the entire campus hates us right now." "And look what those phi tau tau supporters did to my shirt." "It's lemon meringue, man." "They all think we kidnapped kegston." "Yeah well, you didn't really do anything to help the situation, Mr. press conference." "Now if it involved corn dogs, maybe you'd be all up in that piece, huh?" "You really want to take it there?" "What are you gonna do about it, Rodney?" " Take you back to the hood!" " Hodges!" "Hodges!" "No, put him down." "Night train, put him down!" "Hodges, man, when rico wins the Greek board," "Hodges, man, when rico wins the Greek board, does that mean we get to like, you know, join the phi tau taus?" "Hey." "Hey, guys, come on!" "No-ooo!" "I know everything seems really messed up right now without kegston, but we can't forget that we're still omegas." "That's right." "Look, pledge, I just need you to focus on winning" " the Greek board debate, okay?" " Okay." "Let me worry about kegston." "I'll figure something out." " Hey!" "Hey you!" "Vote!" " Vote for the motes over here." " Hey!" "Hey you!" "Vote!" " Vote for the motes over here." " Merkhaus, this guy." " Hey hey, you!" " Vote!" " Vote for motes over here." " Vote!" " Vote for motes." "Guys, I just got off the phone with the clinic, and they have no record of us ever taking a paternity test." "Seriously, kid?" ""Votes for motes"?" "Is this the best you got?" "What does this even mean?" "Come on, streets." "We're already in a tight enough spot as it is." "Last thing we need is an omega alumni pissing on us while we're down." "None of your alumni have ever been in the situation you guys are in right now, all right?" "You guys are in right now, all right?" "You're about to lose Greek board." "I know this whole kegston thing is messed up right now, but I'm working as hard as I can so I can beat rico." "Working hard isn't gonna cut it." "Have you seen the polls today?" "You guys are getting killed." "You're going to have to have a plan." "A good plan." "Look, I remember some years back when there was another omega freshman nominated for Greek board president." "And everyone was walking around saying," ""look, this dude's not gonna win." "The streak's over." "Streak's over." Dude was prepared, got up on that stage, streak's over." Dude was prepared, got up on that stage," " won the whole school over." " Was that steak mungro?" "No, it was Hodges." "Same dude that nominated you to follow in his footsteps." "You know what I'm saying?" "But you know what?" "I think you could be a better president than Hodges." "I mean, you'd definitely be a better president than that 39." " I'm right here." " Ha!" "Anyway, rico is a prick." "So you know what?" "Kick some ass!" " Yeah!" " Kick his ass, man!" "Ah, president dumervile." "Finally, a great lead." "Ah, president dumervile." "Finally, a great lead." "I just wanted to let you know that when I become Greek board president, we will be spending a lot more time together." "Oh, you know what though?" "I don't usually spend that much time with my students during that." "Oh, really?" "Well, I'm sure you can make an exception." "No, really." "I've got so much-- and you probably have so much to do." " Don't you have a girlfriend?" " I did, but she lost both her legs last summer in a skiing accident." " Oh, I'm so sorry." " Perhaps we can go to dinner one night." " Chinese?" " Oh no, I'm allergic, heavily allergic to all that." "I'll cook it myself." "I can make you this lovely" "You know what?" "I am on a diet and it's all just liquids." " It's all I do eat." " You don't need it." " It's all I do eat." " You don't need it." "Oh, stop it." "I really-- I-- - oh please!" "I've got to go to the bathroom!" "The liquids are going right through me." ""As Greek board president," "I plan to keep these traditions alive, and I promise to preserve them for future generations of Hamilton students to enjoy."" "What'd you think?" "It was good." " Yeah?" " I think you could do better." "How?" "This is the best I can do." "How?" "This is the best I can do." "It's not like I'm gonna win anyway." "What?" "Look, have you seen the latest poll results?" "Rico's beating me by 40%." "Nobody wants to vote for the fraternity that is kidnapping babies." "Okay, the Kyle motes I met a few months ago may not have been the most confident person in the world, but he wouldn't be laying here preparing to let rico Larsen win Greek board." "Okay, I know you've been trying really hard okay, I know you've been trying really hard to get all the information on kegston, and you're under a lot of pressure, but come on, Kyle." "I mean, we're in round 12 here." " Are you really just gonna give up?" " No." "Okay, if you go up there tomorrow and you show the entire university who you really are, they're gonna love you." "And who cares if you don't win the election?" "At least you'll go out there swinging." "Sorry." "My dad's a high school basketball coach." "All I really know are sports analogies." "I've just never spoken in front of that many people before." "Well, there's a first time for everything." " I'm really nervous." " So was Willis Reed before game seven." "Oh-hhh!" "Look at pledge popping his cherry over here." "With only days remaining before the Greek board debate," "Richard "rico" Larsen has surged into a commanding 25% lead in the polls." "Many attribute the shift to the news many attribute the shift to the news" " that omega fraternity abducted and hazed..." " Hey, vote for motes!" "...Larsen's baby, rico, Jr." "Rex moonberry, a Hamilton freshman, had this to say:" "I'm voting for rico 'cause I heard the omegas kidnapped his baby." "Do you know dolphin babies can't see for the first two months of their lives?" "And that's not the only negativity directed at the omegas ways these days." "Damn omegas always make a mess!" "And I always have to clean it up!" "Why can't you clean up your mess, you potheads!" "Why can't you clean up your mess, you potheads!" "Can Kyle motes keep the omegas tradition alive?" "We'll find out very soon." "Hey, son." "Dad." "Um..." "What are you doing here?" "I have something to show you." "That's your mother and me in 1978." "Wow." "Um" "Wait." "You were an omega?" "Wait." "You were an omega?" "Not quite." "I never made it past being a pledge." "Why?" "Did they kick you out for wearing those socks?" "Not quite." "My father didn't approve of me participating in such things." "Go figure." "But until the day she died your mother always believed that I never should have given it up." "And I know that she would be very proud to know that her son was omega material." "Well, I might not be omega material much longer well, I might not be omega material much longer if I don't win this thing." "That really doesn't matter." "Because win or lose, you're still our son." "All right?" "Now just do me one favor." " Could you consider becoming a lawyer?" " Yeah okay." "Just a little thought, if you wouldn't mind." " Yeah, I'll think about it." " Okay." "I'm out there cheering you on." "I'm out there cheering you on." "Turns out your old man was just a pledge too." "Maybe you could help me with this thing." "Won't stop crying." "Shut up!" "You know I'm thinking of naming him rico Jr." "Darwin was right-- Survival of the fittest." "See you on the other side, pledge!" "See you on the other side, pledge!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Okay, all right, all right." "Everybody, please settle down." "Today's debate for Greek board president today's debate for Greek board president features two candidates." "First, representing phi tau tau is Richard Larsen, a junior." "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "Rico!" "All right, and representing the incumbent omega fraternity is Mr. Kyle motes, a freshman." "Um, today's debate will feature a series of questions about each candidate's vision of the university." "About each candidate's vision of the university." "And it is up to you, the student body, to decide who you think is the best candidate." "So, Mr. motes, the floor is yours." "Um..." "Well, I've never spoken in front of a crowd this large before." "Wimp!" "Um, let me start by introducing myself." "My name's Kyle motes." "I'm a creative writing m-major." "I'm a creative writing m-major." " Um, I" " Get off the stage, nerd!" "I-I-I-I live about 20 miles east" "Oooh!" "I'm a creative writing major!" " All right, all right." " Enough of that." "Settle down, please." "We don't need that." "You sound like a little baby." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "All right." "Why don't we go to our first question." "Okay?" "Mr. Larsen, this will be directed to you:" "What would you do as Greek board president what would you do as Greek board president to make Hamilton university a better place?" "As a father," "I have learned what is important for the Hamilton community now, but more importantly, what is important for the Hamilton community in the future." "As any great parent would know" "Oh, um, do you" " Do you need a moment?" " Uh, yes." " Do you need a moment?" " Uh, yes." "Thank you." "Come on, rico junior..." "Are you hungry?" "Oh, cranky little one I have here." "Shut up, shut up." "We're going to win." "The presidential victory is ours." "Mmm." "It's all part of his act." "He's happy, really." "Wave!" "Come on!" " Wave with daddy!" " ♪ you move like this ♪" "♪ you slide like that ♪" "♪ you wiggle real slow ♪" "♪ you wiggle real slow ♪" "♪ and you dance real fast ♪" "♪ you do it all over, but you change it all around ♪" "♪ then you jump off the ground. ♪" "What is this, a circus?" "Oh no." "Maybe it's just great parenting." "Something you would know nothing about considering you are not a parent!" "You're right." "I'm not." "But neither are you." "What the heck are you talking about?" "Well..." "What I've just handed president dumervile are the results of a paternity test to see if Mr. Richard Larsen is the father of that baby." "That's absurd." "You don't have any of my DNA." "Actually, rico..." "I do." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Well, Mr. rico, it looks like you are not the father." "Yes, you're right, I'm not!" "Yes, you're right, I'm not!" "But I was doing this poor child a favor by taking him away from you scoundrels!" "What?" "Steak mungro." "Oh my god, he's alive!" "Legend." "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were dead." "I thought I killed you!" "I thought I killed you!" "Steak out." "Steak out!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "Steak!" "When I first rushed omega," "I didn't know what I was getting myself into." "I didn't know what I was getting myself into." "I-- to be honest," "I was just trying to fit in." "Then I found out what being an omega meant." "And it's not just hanging out with your best friends or throwing crazy parties or sleeping with the same girls in the same night." "It's going beyond being a brother." "It's going beyond even a fatherhood." "And we help each other become better people." "Become better people." "That's what fraternity means to me." "And as Greek board president that's what I plan on doing for Hamilton." " He doing' a good job, ain't he?" "Mm-hmm." " Mm-hmm." "I mean, I'm sure you've all heard of the omegas' 88-year streak of controlling the Greek board." "Well, tonight that streak comes to an end." "From now on, it doesn't matter what fraternity you're in, what sport you play or who you hang out with." "What sport you play or who you hang out with." "As Greek board president, I plan on being there for everyone." "Because I honestly believe that each and every person in this room is an omega." "Clap it up." "Clap it up!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Omega!" "Shortly after his presumed fatal motorcycle accident, steak decided to take time to teach gifted children in new Guinea." " Omegas, listen!" " Whoa." "I ran here as fast as I could." "The hell you two doing here?" "Hey, no, it's okay." "Let them speak." "Listen, we have some paperwork you guys should really take a look at." "Listen, we have some paperwork you guys should really take a look at." "Yeah, rico stole those a while ago." "We should have told you then." "Is there any way you can forgive us?" "Like the man said..." "We are all omegas." "No, but, you guys, seriously, if you would let me do the honors." "I have the results of your paternity tests here that you took three months ago." "You guys sure we're ready for this?" "All right." "Man, hurry up and read it, man." "Man, hurry up and read it, man." "It's-- they're stuck together." "Renato." "You are not the father." "Oooh ooooh!" "Sorry." "I'm on so many painkillers, you should probably do this." "You should probably do this." "Are we really sure we're ready for this, guys?" " Yeah." " Okay." "The father is..." " 39." " Wait, what?" "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "Says it right here, man." " Wait, which one's 39?" " That guy right there." "Hey, babe." "I don't know if I'm ready for this." "Hey, man, don't forget." "He's not just yours." "Hey, man, don't forget." "He's not just yours." " He's an omega." "He's all of ours." " Yeah." "Do you have an idea who the mother is?" "No, I don't know." "I mean, to be honest with you guys," "I really haven't had that much sex in the last two years." "Okay." " Come on." " Sorry." "Except for that one time." "What it is, it's actually pure silk." "And it's from a Dutch armory in Switzerland." "It smells beautiful too." "It smells like roses." "Here, night train, you wanna smell this?" "Here, night train, you wanna smell this?" " Hell no!" " The sailboat smells like a sailboat." "Yo yo yo." "Dude." "That's 39 seconds for collison." " Damn!" " That's very impressive." " Oh, man!" " You can't be an omega like that!" "39!" "39!" "39!" " 39!" "39!" "39!" " Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, 39 what?" "39 what?" "It's gonna be pretty weird without Hodges and night train next year." "It's gonna be pretty weird without Hodges and night train next year." "Yeah, it's not gonna be the same without them." "It won't, dude, but you know what?" "It's gonna be great." "We got a lot of good things planned for next year." "All right, guys." "I'm a little verklempt, but me and El Ron are packed." "Ciao, fellas." " Later, rich." " Put her there, 39." " Richie." " It's good times." "Pledge." " Rich." " You're gonna do just fine." " Thanks, man." "That means a lot." " Be good." "Thames." "Oh oh." "Yep." "A little more gel." "Yep." "A little more gel." "All right." "See ya later, Richie." "See ya alumni weekend." "Richie must have forgot his hair gel." "Oh, hey, you guys remember when night train got all that mustard all over his shirt?" "Um, hey, guys, you might wanna take a look at this." " Check it out!" " Oww!" "Fool." "Like a squirrel!" "♪ Rock and roll all night and party every day ♪" "♪ I party till I puke, but that's okay... ♪" "Cut!" "April fools, buddy." "♪ The newest pledge ♪" "♪ I'm the newest pledge ♪" "♪ I'm the newest pledge ♪" "♪ I'm the newest pledge... ♪" "In my opinion, the baseball team is much cuter than the football team." " Child, please." " Well, I mean, just like" "Just the way they walk and look and" "Shut your trap, guuuurl!" "♪ Rock all night, we study all day ♪" "♪ the omegas are the rulers ♪" "♪ don't you hear me say ♪" "♪ I'm the newest pledge ♪" "♪ I'm the newest pledge ♪" "♪ I'm the newest pledge... ♪ - all right, who here has had sex in the past two years?" " ♪ I'm the newest pledge... ♪ - ow!" "So my name's Max, and they gave me a red cup but they've got blue ones." "And they've got white ones, but there's white on the inside of the red ones and they-- you can put-- I wish they'd" "Do you wear a cup?" "Oh!" "♪ Kappa kappa beta ♪" "♪ omega... ♪" "Hey, I thought we could eat the last two togethe-- mom?" " T-brow!" " Whoa whoa, it's not what it looks like." "♪ I'm the newest pledge... ♪" " Just getting night train is" " What's up?" "♪ I'm the newest pledge ♪" "Got mustard all over my shirt!" " Here's kiddy food." " Stop." "♪ I'm the newest pledge ♪" "♪ pledge, pledge!" "♪" "♪ Don't be deranged ♪" "♪ Don't be deranged ♪" "♪ Vote for the change ♪" "♪ Vote for rico ♪" "♪ Vote for him ♪" "♪ Oh, please vote for rico ♪" "♪ Because he is tasty like gallo de pico ♪" "♪ yes, he is ♪" "♪ Oh oh, please vote for the phi tau tau rico. ♪" "And stop." "Hello, everyone." "Hello, everyone." "Are you ready?" "Is everyone ready to dance?" "Whoop wow!" "♪ You move like this, you slide like that ♪" "♪ you wiggle real slow, then you dance real fast ♪" "♪ you do it all over, but you change it all around ♪" "♪ you do it all over, but you change it all around ♪" "♪ then you jump off the ground... ♪" "♪ You slide like this, you wiggle like that ♪" "♪ you dance real slow, then you move real fast ♪" "♪ you do it all over, but you change it all around ♪" "♪ then you jump off the ground... ♪" "Well, let's do it again, okay?" "♪ You wiggle like this, you dance like that ♪" "♪ you move real slow, then you slide real fast ♪" "♪ you do it all over, but you change it all around ♪" "♪ then you jump off the ground ♪" "♪ you do it all over, but you change it all around ♪" "♪ then you jump off the ground. ♪"