"Previously on "Time Traveling Bong"..." "I can't get off without HD porn, Sharee." " Watch out!" " Hey!" "Oh, my God." ""Time traveling Bong."" "Witchcraft has come to Salem." "We will stamp it out." "No!" "I found a glassblower." "I think he's gonna do an amazing job." "Your vase-pipe, Sir Jeff." "This looks like shit!" "Here goes the witch!" "The glassblower messed up the bong when he blew it." "Now we have no ability to control where we go, forcing us to bounce around the space-time continuum indefinitely?" "We're going to raise Michael Jackson as our son." " I can't do this." " Me either." "Holy shit." "The best time human history, ancient Greece." "Greek salad!" "Wow, great view." "Yeah, it's okay." "Huh." "I can read this." " What?" " Yeah." " I know the Greek alphabet." " Wait, how?" "From my one semester at SDT at Rutgers before I dropped out." "I'm a sorority girl, remember?" "Right." "Yeah." "There's an event or something?" "Hold on." "Excuse me." "Wow." "Okay." "There's a really hot party tonight." "Free wine, beans, chestnuts, and toasted wheat!" " Yes!" " Nice!" "Dude, I could so use a party after that child rearing." "My God." "We earned this time period, right?" "Yeah, we did." "Yes." "I'm gonna do a smoky eye and a nude lip." "What are you gonna do?" "I guess I'll put on a toga." " Greek salad." " Greek salad." " This party is great, huh?" " Yeah." " Thank you." " Except for all the kids." "No, it's good, you know?" "Greeks are way more enlightened." "Kids should mingle with adults." "We should treat them like real people." "She literally doesn't know anyone else here." "Oh, it's that kind of party." "Oh." "Mm." "Well, when in Rome, right?" "Wait, we're in Rome?" "No, we're in Greece." "Oh, yeah, I thought Greece." "I just..." "I got confused when you said Rome." "No, yeah, Greece." "Okay." "Okay." "Bye." " Hey!" " Oh, hi!" " How are you?" " Oh!" "I'm great." "This is crazy, right?" "I know." " Do you think it's safe?" " I don't know." "I mean, I'm wearing a sheep's bladder as a condom, but I mean, I hope it works." "I think people are really drawn to my teeth, because I don't..." "I'm, like, doing really well." "Yeah, everybody's doing really well." "It's an orgy." "Well, yeah." "Good point." "You know what?" "I don't think we've partied together since high school." "Whoa." "Is that true?" "How can that be true?" "I don't know." "We just started hanging out with different groups, you know?" "Yeah." "And then when Grandma died..." "We became roommates, and when you're roommates, you never make plans to hang out." "You just complain and..." "Talking about how you leave piss on the seat." "Or how you never take out the trash or do the dishes." "Or how you ejaculate on my electronics..." "Repeatedly." "Sorry." "I know." "Sorry." "Well, you know what?" "It has been really great seeing you blossom on this trip." "And how about you, dude?" "Back at home, I feel like you were... stuck." "But here you put yourself out there, and it pays off." "I mean, a girl is sucking your dick right now." "I know!" "It's crazy." "This has been so fun." "I wouldn't have wanted to time travel with anybody else." "Aw." "That's cool." "Me either." "Best cousins." "Best cousins." "Greek salad." "Greek salad." "Ooh!" "Huh." "Oh!" " What is that?" " Oh!" "Is that a b..." " Did we..." " Did we f..." "Oh, my God." "Did we f..." "I don't know." "I don't think so." "I don't think so." "Oh, God, but it's hard to remember." "It's such a blur." "Bodies and passion and..." "We're cousins, Jeff." "I know, Sharee." "I knew I shouldn't have come with you." "What?" "I knew this was a bad idea!" "Before you time traveled, you'd never had an orgasm and you were dating a married guy." "I like my life." "I like my job at Hertz." "I like my shitty married boyfriend." "You were the one trying to escape your sad life." "Now we're both weird loser fuck-cousins." "Alleged!" "Ew!" "Ew!" "You didn't seem to mind when your finger was in my butthole." "That was you?" "You said my butthole was tighter than a dime and I need to loosen up." "Stop!" "Oh, God!" "Listen." "If we ever get back to 2016," "I think you should move out." "Fine." "You know what?" "If we ever get back to 2016, I will." "In fact, I think we need some space right now." "Great idea." "But let's maybe get it somewhere else." "Yeah, there's some serious abuse happening here." "Oh, it's rough." "Oh, I forgot to get a Greek salad!" "It does not get any easier." " Ah." " God." "Is that a flying car?" "It's the future." "Oh, my God." "This must be a dump." "God." "Let's get out of here." "Yikes." "Ugh." "Nope." "Another dead end." "Maybe we should get high." "Ooh, there's got to be something to smoke out of here." "No, I mean get higher up and see if we can see where the exit is." "Fine." "All right, come on." "Oh, my God." "Did you just fart?" "No!" "I think you're probably smelling the huge pile of trash you're on." "Duh." "Sorry." "It's okay." "Ooh, God." "God, it is redonkulously hot." "Oh, my God, you're really red." "Holy shit, so are you." " Ah." "Ow!" " We're burning alive!" "Ooh!" "Ow!" "Get in the shade." "Get in the shade." "There's no shade." "It's just trash." " Shit." " Oh!" " Oh!" " Oh, God!" "I can smell your skin." "Ooh, it's sizzling." "Oh, my God." " Oh." " Good idea." "Let's get out of here!" "Give me the bong." "Give me the bong." " Go!" " I can't." "My fingers are too sweaty." "Oh, my God." "Oh, thank you." "_" " English." " Do you speak English?" "Yes, English." "I am Dasani." "This is my friend Aquafina." "And that's JoJo." "Are you guys doing an accent?" "Yeah, I know we just met, but that's kind of racist." "I'm not doing accent." "Chinese is first official language of America." "You use accent like drunk uncle does at holiday." "It's very passé." "Me so sorry." "Ah, it is almost noon." "We must get inside." "Come." ""Me so sorry"?" "It just came out." "I don't know." "We are so happy to meet new defectors of the evil corporation Nomsanto." "Now that you're out, you can finally learn the truth." "Yeah, walk us through some stuff." "Pretend like we don't know anything." "Nomsanto is agricultural biotechnology company that rules our world." "In 2009, Citizens United allowed corporations to sponsor elections." "Nomsanto gained influence and abolished the Environmental Protections Agency." "So Earth grew too hot for plants to grow, and the world was plagued with famine." "Corporations kept merging until there were only two:" "Nomsanto and Vivid Entertainment." "The porn company?" "Yes." "That's awesome." "Why did you defect?" "Is the resistance forming?" "Actually, we're not defectors." "Are you spies?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "We're not spies, okay?" "We're not spies." "No." "No, no, no, no." "Well, who are you, then?" "We're time travelers." "Did you employ the principles of the Tipler Cylinder?" "Can you confirm our Schroedinger equation in QM?" "Mm... no." "We've been working on a time traveling tool to save our world." "And we developed this." "The bong but fixed." "We can go home." "It's a time traveling bong." " We know." " Yeah." "It started as a silly idea among friends when we would drink gasoline." "But then it actually turned out to be a thing." "Which is pretty hilarious." "Since nothing can grow on Earth anymore, we cannot use it 'cause it's fueled by the ancient herb marijuana." "Oh, my God, I have weed." "Sticky, right?" "So fucking sticky." "_" "_" "We should use your sweet bud to time travel immediately." "Or we could keep the seeds and synthetically replicate it." "There's a huge market for it." "I know some guys who could distribute." "We don't have to be "dealers."" "We would just sell enough that we smoke for free." "No, no, no, no, or you guys could do your original plan, which is to time travel." "Well, we don't know if the bong works yet, so we might as well get high first anyway." "No, it does work." "Look." "We used it to get here." "Uh, what the fuck is that?" "It's your bong." "It looks like shit." "Yeah, well, we broke it." "But we used it to get here." "We got it from these future people, this black lady and this white dude." "They're wearing "Star Trek" stuff..." "Sharee." "Sharee!" "They took the weed." "Yeah, and Sharee." "Where did they take her?" "There's an incinerator room at the core of the Nomsanto Center." "Oh, my God." "I have to save her." "Sharee!" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Hey, actually, I don't know my way around here." "Can you guys show me how to get to the Nomsanto Center?" " Oh, yeah." " Yeah, definitely." "All right, let's hurry, though." "Get my gloves." "Guys, please, no." "What are you gonna do to me?" "You were found in possession of plant life, which is illegal." "That is such bullshit." "Nature rules us, not the other way around." "We can go no further." "Our ID chips might sound the alarms." "You must go alone." "I don't know if I can do this alone, guys." "Here, take this." "It is your only hope to escape." "But promise us, Jeff, you will come back for us." "Together we must save the planet." "Uh, I mean, I'll try, yeah." "I gue..." "I'll try." "Okay?" "Cool." "So is there, like, a secret entrance, or, like, can you override an access code?" "Can you hack into the system and shut down security so I can..." " Nope." " That'd be great, right?" " We can't." " Just can't do it." " I wish." " That'd be so cool." "Oh." "But there is one way you can get inside undetected." "You must climb through the biohazard chute." "This shit?" "Through there will take you straight to the n'energy core." "I can't climb up there." "There's condoms and syringes and shit." "What if I get AIDS?" "What?" "Oh, no, AIDS has been eradicated." "It has?" "Wow, I guess that's one good thing about the future." "Okay." "Thank you, guys." "I'll never forget you." "You are coming back for us, though, right?" "Yeah, I'll do my best." "Oh, this is just open." "Whoof." "This is the only way?" "No other way?" "Wow." "Wow." "Okay." "Okay." "Oof, Jesus." "God, it stinks!" "Oof!" "AIDS hasn't been eradicated." "I know." "It's worse than ever." "But he was freaking out, so that's life." "_" "_" "_" "Oh, God." "Please, no." "Please, please, please." "Please, please." "What are you doing?" "No!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God damn it!" "That was just starting to heal." "I can't do this." "Mm-mm." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Where am I?" "Oh!" "Okay." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh!" "_" "_" "_" "You are an illegal citizen, and possession of plant life is punishable by death." "This is the third computer you've destroyed." "Destroyed." "It's not my fault everything breaks if a drop of jizz hits it." "Drop of jizz hits it." "Aim, Jeff." "Aim." "Oh." "You can do it, Jeff." "Come on." "I can't get off without porn." "I can't get off without porn." "Oh, please." "Oh!" "Oh!" "_" "_" "Come on." "Come on, Jeff." "Come on." "Come on." "Sharee, I came without porn." "I saw." "I literally couldn't look away." "I have the bong." "Yes!" "We can smoke it and go home." "It's going to be hard without this." "No!" "I'm gonna kill you, bitch!" "_" "Yes!" "Ow, God." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh!" " Oh, my God!" " We're home!" "We're home!" "Oh!" "We're home!" " Wait, wait." " Yes." " Did you just smoke your hair?" " Yeah." "Remember in 2007 when Britney Spears had her meltdown?" "She saved her head 'cause she didn't want to be tested for THC 'cause she would lose her children." "And I realized I must have enough THC in my hair, so I smoked it, and it worked." "That's genius." "You are so smart." "I am." "I'm smart now." "Oh." "Crispin!" "Crispin!" "Hi!" " Oh, Crispin!" " Oh, my God!" " Hi!" " Oh, we missed you, buddy." "Oh, my God, there is so much I missed." "Me too." "Running water." "Medicine." "Toilet paper!" "Food!" "Oh, God, yeah." "Come on, let's go." "Applebee's happy hour ends in 30 minutes." "I'm not paying full price for shit." "Jesus." "Okay, we're not dating anymore." "I'm breaking up with you." "Cut the bullshit, fat tits." "Come on, let's go." "You know, I might have fucked my cousin, and it was a healthier situation than this." "Wait a minute." "What did you say?" "Mm, sorry." "This is the best time." "It really is." "You know, I didn't realize before how shitty the world has been for women forever." "Mm." "Yeah." "I really learned that I need to be the best woman that I can be." "I owe it to the women who've suffered before me." "I learned... how to masturbate without porn." "That's something." "That's huge." "It's something." "That's huge." "I always said I was..." "Born in the wrong decade." "I know." "But I was just blaming my stupid life on that." "And the fact is, I'm really lucky to have been born now, and I need to take advantage of it and not make excuses, you know?" "Totally." "That's amazing." "Thank you." "Another classic from the king of pop, Michael Jackson." "Whoa!" "One of his greatest hits from 1986..." "Our son." ""Left Behind."" "You don't think that's about us." "That's about us, yeah." " Okay." " Ooh." "I'm definitely done with time travel." "Me too." "What should we do with the bong?" "Hmm." "Okay, I have to talk a couple things through." "Yeah." "Why aren't there doubles of us?" "Oh." "Also, how did the future people get here in the first place if they didn't have weed?" "Mm-hmm." "Also, I'm like, "Why didn't we land" ""where the future people landed in the street when we first saw them?"" "You know, aren't there parallel, alternate timelines that we're dealing with here?" "Yeah, there's a lot of theory about time travel, right, and I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think I figured it out." "Here's the airtight logic." "So..."