"Hello, you've reached Melody's phone." "Don't bother leaving a message because I probably won't listen to it." "You have 112 new messages." "Melody, it's Tommy, you know, your landlord." "I know that times are hard, but you need to pay that rent." "Melody, it's 12.30." "I've sent you another message about your expenses!" "Hi Melody, this is candy from RVS r us, and we've got your RV all ready for burning man." "Melody, it's Sam." "Don't forget dinner tonight." "I'm sure you're looking forward to it as much as I am." "Can you just tell your teenager not to make things too weird." "Ta." "London is going through the greatest property boom in history, and I'm missing it because of you." "Tommy is pretty pissed off about the rent, Mel." "He said if you don't pay it he's gonna come back to London on air miles and garrote you with dental floss." "I'm not sure that's even possible, but if he's willing to use up his air miles he must be really fucked off." "Melody, it's David Klein here." "I would very much like to meet you for lunch." "Shall we say the at two o'clock?" "You must think I'm such an idiot." "I don't understand any of that." "I wouldn't say you're an idiot." "Oh." "Well, maybe it's just too much champagne." "It's really very simple." "Our new product is a medicine based around a chemical compound called Vincyclidine." "Going to make us pots of money." " Excuse me, miss Munro?" " Yes?" "A telephone call for you at the bar." "Oh, how old school." "I'm so sorry, will you excuse me?" " I'll be right here." " Okay." "Don't go anywhere." "Melody Munro." "£5,000 on a Winnebago rental?" "Perhaps you could tell me how your work demands any need for a luxury motor-home?" "Excuse me, sorry." "What desserts do you recommend?" "The Soufflé's very popular, but, personally, I recommend the pear tart." "Hm." "We'll have two of those." "Oh, and the bill." "My guest will be leaving soon." "Alan, Alan, stop talking." "I've just sent you the recording of our conversation and my write-up." "I'll be back in three weeks after my holiday." "No, you will not, you will be in my office in..." "How the hell did she..." "Fuckin' badass, tell you that." "Thank you, Barry." "I'm so sorry about that." "So, what do you say we get these to go?" "I know a very good and very discreet hotel 'round the corner." "Oh, David, that sounds wonderful, but I've got things to do." "Sorry." "Come on, sack that off!" "I'm not buying you lunch so you can go back to emails and photocopying." "Yeah, I don't really do photocopying in my work, David." "'Course, I'm sorry." "I'm sure your role is very important." "Yeah." "I work in competitive intelligence." "You're a corporate spy?" "Oh, actually we're trying to get away from the whole spy thing." "But what I've just told you, it's commercially sensitive!" "It's-it's completely secret!" "Sensitive, yes." "Secret, not so much anymore." "Oh, wow, this has been an expensive lunch!" "You whore!" "No, David... that's what you thought I was." "I am fucking you, just not how you imagined." "So there's 100 pills, your two ounces of Charlie, two bottles of liquid Ketamine, and my own special mish-mash, 2ci, 2cb, m-cat and a couple of others that haven't come out yet." "Will that do you?" " Alan?" " I've found another one!" "£2,347 on flowers, in may!" "People like flowers, Alan." "If you like my flat so much, maybe you could find it in your barren heart to pay me some fucking rent." "Listen, I've done more for this flat than you've ever done." "That's probably true, but..." "I also own it so... unless we enter a state of pure utopian Marxism in the next 24 hours... you pay me some rent, or you get the fuck out." "Goodbye." "He doesn't mean it." "It's amazing!" "You've got me." "But we've got to do this in order to do that, so that's what we're doing." " Yeah, it's important." "You're basically going to inflict a religion on your child because you want to put them in a particular kind of school?" "Yes, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head." "That's exactly why we're doing it." "Oh!" "What did he say?" "You can only eat the third one." "Third rice, third Reich." " Conceptual." " Mmh." "Please." "Try this for us." "Oh..." "Shit the bed." "Is it..." "Is it meant to taste like that?" "It's, um... it's political." "Wow." "I mean, that's exactly what this christening needs." "No, no, no, no, what this christening needs is mini Shepherd's pies from a reputable caterer, that's what this christening needs." " Samuel..." " I'm just saying... just remember why we'e here." "Yes." "Dear sister, we have come to ask you... to be Auden's godmother." "Um..." "Is there a polite way for me to say no?" "No." "And renounce Satan, yes, that is what I will be doing." "Wow." "Mum and dad would be so proud." "Oh, everyone thinks god is bullshit, Melody." "You just have to believe in a good education for our child!" "Sam?" "Sam?" "Well, look, I'm gonna be on a low serotonin comedown from burning man, and I really don't need to be having flashbacks... in a church." "Who on earth is Bernard Mann?" "So you're taking your teenager to the Californian desert for two weeks so he can giveaway hot dogs to people on drugs?" "He's 20, it's three weeks, and they're burgers." "And why do they get burgers while I'm meant to serve fascist uncle Ben's at my firstborn's christening?" "They're placenta burgers cooked by the power of the sun." "Of course, they are." "Guten appetite." "It's... anti-Semitic pastry." "Yeah." "It's a swastika... but it's art, you know, it's conceptual." "It's got sprinkles on it." "Oh, sprinkles or hundreds and thousands representing the hundreds and thousands who died." "Millions of people died, Saskia, in the war." "Millions... thousands..." "Tom-may-to, to-mah-to." "Keep drinking." "Babe..." "Babe... babe!" "Babe!" "Babe, we're going to burning man!" "We're going to burning man!" "Oh, well, what time is it?" "11:30." "Look!" "I made breakfast." "Mmh." "Oh, um, by the way," "I tried to buy an industrial magnifying glass with your card, but it got declined." " What card?" " The one you said." "With the horse on it." "Fucking Alan day." "He's such a fuck..." "What are you fucking up to?" "He's onto you!" "Get out!" "Barry?" "You can't try and sack me." "Try and sack you?" "I'll take you to tribunal." "I've been in this game a lot longer than you, Melody." "I've seen the cry-on-demand trick before!" "My parents died three years ago the day before Christmas." "My boyfriend is a 20-year-old fucking concept chef." "If you let me fall there is no one to catch me." "I want the mobile, the day pass, and the range rover keys, now." "I have been a customer at this bank since I was seven years old." "No." "No, I understand that, but..." "Will you please, please just extend my overdraft?" "So I just don't understand how it can take a week to do a background check." "No, I'm not going to a fucking pay day loans company!" "So, I'll just be two minutes and I'll get some cash." "No problem." "Okay." "We don't need money, babe." "There is no money at burning man." "Listen, I'm saying we just rock this stage with nothing but each other, a freezer full of placentas, and a dream." "Come on, Harmony, we do need money." "What about petrol, water in the desert?" "Babe, in-in Cuba they make the petrol out of sugar cubes, or canes." "But, look, and people will gift us water!" "And you've always wanted to go to burning man!" "You said we've paid for it all, we might as well go to..." "Babe!" "Come on!" "Oh, babe, I'm sorry." "I'm being selfish." "We'll go next year." "Or never." "Oh, babe." "I'm sorry." "We can get money." "How?" " Going to burning man." " We're going to burning man?" " We're going to burning man." " Oh, fuck!" "I love you." "Yeah, sorry about that." "Took a bit of time." "Harmony, we're not flying over the Atlantic in a small plane with propellors." "I don't know, I've not been much since flying over." "Well, hello." "If it isn't lofty the land baron." "Uh, yeah." "Great." "Whatever." "So I'm getting pretty fucking pissed off about this flat, if I'm being honest, so I was speaking to the agent and I'm putting it up for rent." "What?" "You're evicting me?" "Um, no..." "Well, yeah." "Obviously yes." "I am." "Look, sorry, this is a really crap time." "Can I just call you back?" "I'm just going into a meeting." "No, no, no, no, wait." "Tommy, Tommy, Tommy." "I will get you the money." "I will pay the rent." "Sure." "Whatever." "Okay, so there's a guy from charlatans coming this afternoon to take photos of the flat." "When it's online you're free to spend the £5,000 like anybody else and rent it." "I've got £1,010, Tommy." "Well, that's £3,990 to go!" "Mind the doors." "What?" "Is he-is he kicking you out?" "He's taking my home." "Mel, we'll be on one of those planes in a second!" "San Francisco, now in it ' s final stage..." "Oh my god, babe, look at the propellor..." "Babe, come on." "Can't put it online if they can't get into the flat." " What?" " If I can stop them taking the photos and doing the floor plan, then that will buy me the time to get the four grand for the deposit, and then, then I can keep the flat." "Do you know how hard it is to get 300 placentas in California?" "Last call for passengers..." "Look, babe, some of the biggest food blogs in the world go to burning man." "They're really changing what food is out there." "Food is just food, okay." "They are not changing what food is, they're just a bunch of twats pissing around in the desert." "I find it hard to believe that you think food is just food." "This is my home!" "We have to defend it!" "Come on!" "You're safe." "You're safe now." "There is nothing else about placentas on the post cuisine circuit right now." "It'll be yesterday's news next year!" "Showtime." "Is this even legal, Melody?" "We're at war here, Harmony!" "Legality is a luxury that we do not have." "Okay, look, babe," "I know that you're upset, but this, this is important... and that's why you can do your food concept thingy" " love plus food?" " Uh-huh." " Here?" " Uh-huh." "But you said you'd rather be gang raped by koala bears!" "Yeah, but I've basically realized it's a really good idea!" "Yeah!" "But first we've got to stop this fucker from getting in." "Okay." "Oi, charlatans, get the fuck out!" "Yeah, fuck off!" "Get the fuck out my house!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "Are you fucking crazy?" "!" "Crazy bastards!" "Brick?" "Piss?" "Basically, medicinal." "I've only been drinking vodka and Berocca this morning." "I'll be back, you bastards!" "Take that, you little shit!" "Oh, Christ, this place is worse than fucking Johannesburg on a Friday fucking night." "Woo!" "Melsy-babes, how's it going?" "You tell me, Charlie!" "Fucking mental." "You would not believe where I ended up last night." "Check it out." "I had sex with that guy." "That's a wonderful image, Charlie." "So, what have you got for me?" "Um, right what have I got for you?" "What do... well-the..." "Okay, here's the thing, Melsy, you are what we like to call in the headhunting industry... um... a person... who I cannot get a job for." "Charlie, you tapped me up, three weeks ago, saying that you could get me a job anywhere." "Yeah, I did, but that was before you went around stealing from your employer and blackmailing him, you know, which, all in all, makes you look like a bit of a crook." "I'm just being honest." "Thank you very much." "I won intelligence monthly's industry's most promising this year and 2013." "That is a prize that they give to the most successfully duplicitous person under the age of 30 in an industry that's based on nicking other people's information." "They want crooks." " Okay." "Between me and you, the economy is awful at the moment." "Charlie, I'm about to be evicted." "You've got a lovely figure." "Why don't you become an escort?" "What?" "Is that the advice you give to all your clients?" "Only my fit ones... who are otherwise completely unemployable." "Or you could be a drug dealer, except you'd trouble with the police and it's bad for the environment." "Sell a kidney?" "Wow, thank you, Charlie." "Your help has been invaluable." "Aah." "I mean, how would your mother feel?" "So, how much for a kidney?" "I'm fuckin' ashamed of you." "According to the blood report, technically you're not even alive." "Go." "Yeah." "Do you realize that this line's recorded, yeah?" "I can categorically state that I do not intend to and have never been involved in any insider trading or libel fixing." "Oh, come on, banker-boy, surely you and your little banker friends must have fiddled the figures at some time, like that guy, Clive?" "Why don't you just go to a job center like a normal person?" "Sam, I'm not a normal person." "There's no way I'm gonna go to a job center." "You know, this whole thing would be so much easier if you just gave me £4,097..." "Well, not gave, lent me £4,097.53..." "And I'm done." "Found it!" "Excellent!" "Ah." "What are you gonna use it for?" "Sorry." "Sorry, it's a bit of a bad line here." "I've just been on the phone to the agent and he said somebody pissed on him." "Piss?" "!" "What, someone pissed on his head?" "Oh, god, that's awful." "Melody, Melody?" "Melody, do you know what a hostile tenant is?" "Yeah, it's what they call it..." "It's what they call it when someone tries to intentionally sabotage the viewings, you understand?" "Tommy, why would I want to sabotage the viewings, hm?" "Tracker activated." "Okay." "So... really I don't need to give you the keys because I'm going to be renting it very soon, anyway." "Oh, that's Lekker." "All I need is the full deposit in cash and clearance of the reference check application, which you will put into this in tray." "So, in a few days I'm going to have all of that for you." "No, that's Lekker." "In the meantime," "I'm under instruction that this highly desirable loft space is to remain on the market... so..." "I need the keys." "Look," "I'm sure we can come to some kind of agreement." "Do you know how long I've been at this branch?" "42 months." "You can count them." "39 of those," "I've been sales agent number one!" "You're looking at the best in show." "Wow, do you want a prize?" "Every month." "Keys." "Hoo..." "You're playing with fire, little lady." "One week." "One week without those photos or the floor plans on the website, and then I will have your money, plus a little extra just for you." "Are you trying to bribe me?" "£100... 300." "I'm an estate agent." "We follow a strict moral and ethical code!" "800..." "Two pounds and 45 pence." "That is my final offer, okay?" "I'm just gonna leave that there in your little special in tray and I'm gonna walk away, okay?" "You're one crazy camper!" "You know that?" "Nope." "How would you rate your Google skills?" "Do you mean can I write?" "Would you say you have good interpersonal skills?" "Motherfucker!" "Sorry." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪" "♪ amen, I'm gonna get out..." "♪ Gonna get myself wet" "♪ absolutely soaking wet" "♪ it's raining men, hallelu..." "What the fuck?" "!" "Check it out!" "This company does liquid nitrogen in 19th century milk churns." "Oh, Jesus, Harmony!" "Sorry." "Lemon." "Orange." "Lettuce." "Leave that there." "Harmony, there's another one for you." "How many did you get?" "Just put it here." "Oh, right." "Ah!" "Oh!" "Sorry, babe, completely forgot about them." "They're probably a bit off by now." "Mr. and Mrs. Burton-hall, how are you?" "Mr. Burton hall." " Good to see you." " Mrs. Burton-hall." " Oh!" "You look absolutely stunning." "Come with me." "Have a look at this apartment." "Beautiful, eh?" "They sometimes drop their business onto the floor, yeah?" "Now, look at this." "Security is very tight." "Even Oscar Pistorius wouldn't be able to shoot through this door, eh?" "Be prepared to see the apartment of your dreams." "I'm sure there's a light switch in here somewhere." "Lights!" " Jesus Christ." " Christ!" "What the fuck?" "Look, I know we said that we wanted an urban feel, but this-this is just sick!" "Hello JP!" "Oh, don't mind us." "I-I was just going to put the kettle on." " Oh!" "Oh, oh!" " Oh, god!" "Oh, this is happening again!" "No, wait." "Wait!" "You have to see past the décor!" "Well done, baby." "Mmh!" "Melody!" "Open the fucking door!" "Still worshipping Satan, then?" "Here you go." "I said wait Rose." "Tough shit." "How can you be this hard up, anyway?" "You must have some of the payout from the restaurant, right?" "You-you've spent £230,000 in three years?" "No, I spent it in two." "Well, just under two." "On what?" "What did you spend it on?" "Meals out, mostly." "Kitchen stuff." "You're fucking joking me, aren't you?" "You spent a quarter of a million pounds on restaurants and kitchen stuff." "You-you're not even paying rent." "Well, obviously I can't afford to." "Oh, this is mad." "That is..." "I mean, I don't know what kind of mad that is, but that's fucking mad." "Oh..." "What's mad auntie Melody going to do, eh?" " All right!" "Um..." " Nasty daddy won't help her." "Okay." "I'll speak to Saskia." "She was telling me she's got an opening for some... vacuous bullshit artist." "I think you're wildly overqualified for it, but Saskia won't give me a job after godmother gate." "Yes, she will." "But you are just going to have to grovel to her, aren't you?" "Is auntie Melody going to have to grovel to Saskia?" "Yes, she is!" "Saskia, is going to be very angry at Melody, but Melody doesn't care 'cause she needs a job!" "That's fun, isn't it?" " You're a dick." " Yeah, I know." "And you're a dick." "A massive dick." "Yeah, we've got Cher Lloyd coming in." "Jungle book Mufasa thing with her." "Okay." "So, Metro bitch, hit me." "Metro bitch?" "Yeah, it's great, isn't it?" "It's kind of what's trending, but at the same time, a state of the nation analysis:" "Thackeray meets Woolf, but with Twitter." "The red carpet is out, it's opening night." "What is the premier" "Melody Munro Metro bitch column?" "N-now?" "Just idea shower me." "I was-i was kind of thinking" "I wouldn't need to interview for this job." "21st century journalism is constantly revolutionizing." "You know, by the time you've written now it's already last year." "Tomorrow's now has already been snapchatted by a 16-year-old info blogger from Malaysia." "I don't follow." "I've been seeing other applicants for this job, so I guess, Melly, it's just a case of..." "How much you want it." "I'm really sorry about the godmother thing." "Thank you." "So?" "I have the job?" "I'm really grateful that you apologized, Melody, and family is so important to me." "But... if I'm honest, this other applicant has all the skills to nail this job." "Who is it?" "Oh, you know her!" "Laurie mills!" "Yeah, I mean she really has her finger on the pulse of the Zeitline generation." "She's a massive cunt." "Cunt." "So, yeah, I..." "I really think..." "Cunt." "Just get out." "Cunt." "Faster." "Babe." "Oh!" "Babe, what are you doing?" "Don't tell me." "Listen." "Amazing news." "You know my auntie Babs?" " Yeah." " The pedo." " Yeah." "She just died." "What?" "God, I'm so sorry." "No." "It's fine." "She's now communing with the lord of hosts." "Imagine that." "Anyway, more amazing, I've inherited £4,000." "Harmony, that-that's amazing." "Babe, it means love plus food can now be how I imagined it!" " What?" " Listen, check it out." "Isn't it amazing you always get what you pray for?" "Great." "I want you to get down on your knees now and start to pray... because the day of atonement, my friends, is at hand, and he brings not peace, he brings a sword, and behind him is fire!" "And if you do not adhere to his creed, he will beat you, senselessly, like someone else's redheaded stepchild!" "Do not listen to that fat cat in a pointy hat..." "Yes!" "Get in!" "Just one more win, one more win and we're safe." "Can't bluff me, ashraf_17." "Harmony, I'm kind of in the middle of something, something really important." "Mel, Mel, babe, look who's here!" "Melody, you're missing the revolution!" "Harmony is so totes amaze, BTW." "Love and nong!" "Laurie's gonna come to love plus food and do an article about it for her new Metro bitch column." "How nong is that?" "Woohoo!" "Ah!" "N" "♪ aah" "miss Munro, I know you're in there!" "The hermit crab cannot stay in the shell for too long, it has to come out and breathe!" "Open!" "Miss Munro, you cannot fight with the market." "The market is like god, all-seeing, all-knowing, omnipresent... so open the door!" "Miss Munro, please open the door." "I don't want to do anything rash." "September, the German ring closed." "Mel, don't leave me standing out here like a twat, please." "I've got booze." "Beer o'clock?" "Eh, don't-don't-don't shut the door in my face, because I am about to do something incredibly stupid." "What?" "I'm gonna give you the money." " Yes!" " Yay!" "Best brother ever!" "Now, listen, this..." "Is a temporary loan from Auden's university fund." "There are rules to this, okay?" "Okay, anything." "You're to be godmother." "R-really?" "Really?" "Wow." "Do you want the money?" "Sam, I would love to be Auden's godmother." "Oh, I'll be back in a minute." "Where you going?" "Mwah!" "Yep." "That's... typical." "♪ Raining men" " hey!" "I can take the flat!" " Oh, Jesus Christ!" " I can take the flat!" " Christ!" "I've got the money." "I can give it to you right now!" "It's 8:30, you crazy woman." "I'm going home!" "Okay, okay, I'll come see you in the office first thing, yeah?" "Get off the vehicle!" "Get away from the vehicle!" " Okay!" " Get away from the vehicle!" " Okay, I'll see you first thing." "Ha, ha, ha!" "Woo!" " Yeah!" "Whatever!" "I love you, and I love this flat, and I love you in this flat, and I think they should stock you in boconcepts." "Babe, babe, babe, try this." " Hm?" " Try this." "Oh, that is..." "That's really a lot of salt." " Amazing!" " Bit too much?" "No, babe, no!" "Tell Gandhi there was too much salt." "Gandhi couldn't get any salt, so he marched on the sea." "Salt caused a revolution." "That searing dryness is the taste of a revolution!" "Suffer." "Visionary." "Completely and utterly visionary." "Huh?" "Thanks." "It's pretty fucking nong, huh?" "This is the crest of a new epoch." "It's like being in the cavern club at '62, or..." "Berlin, 1933?" "Yes." "I love Berlin." "Right, I'm really sorry, but we're going to have to keep the kitchen clear." "Oops, sorry!" "Just trying to say hi to the maestro!" "And also I did think I'd take a couple of photos while I'm here just 'cause the agent said he couldn't get in to take any." "Oh, well I'm afraid the flat's not for rent anymore." "Oh, yes, I know, I'm not- I'm not renting it, so..." "Then why are you taking photos?" "Because I'm buying it." "So if you could just move 'cause you're kind of in my visual space." "My flat is not for fucking sale." "Okay, just take the flat!" "Take the flat." "I accept your offer." "Just take the fucking flat." "Sir, put the mask back on." "Why?" "Why are you doing this?" "I'm just trying to live my life!" "No, you're not." "You're trying to live my fucking life!" "Get out!" "Mel!" "How on earth can I write my piece for Metro bitch, though, if I haven't tried our beautiful chef's cuisine?" "Oh, just fuck off!" "Mel, I really need this piece!" "No, don't you dare!" "Don't you dare take her side!" "Well, you can serve the food to her outside on the street, because that's where she's going to fucking be." "Yeah, well, maybe I will." "Fine." "Fine." "Well, you can take all of your twats with you." " Oh!" " Oh, Melody!" "Get out." "Get out." "Get out." "Get out." "Get out." "Get out." "Get out of my fucking flat!" "Awkward." "Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of part one!" "Part two, it seems, is outside on road!" "Take your plates!" "Sitting at tables is so mid-noughties, isn't it?" "Harmony?" "Harmony?" "Yeah, it's great energy out here, motherfuckers!" "Melody, baby, great event." "Loved the drama." "Transformative." "So I'll be around with my surveyor in the morning." "Should have the exchange within the month." "Nong!" "I've got it!" "I've got your dimensions!" "Nothing can stop the JP de kock... five day house seller." "No, no, no, you can't exchange a property in five days!" "No, you can't, not unless your name's JP de kock." "I've done the searches." "I taught myself conveyancy law." "I've just done the survey." "The market has spoken and I am its instrument." "But-but I need a little bit more time." "Another trader jumped off Coq au Vin's roof well I would, too, if I had to eat their food." "I sometimes get a feeling I'm on an escalator." "Everyone says if you stay on it you're going somewhere good." "Everyone else is on it so, you know, must be good." "It's going up, isn't it?" "Then sometimes you get the feeling that actually it may just end up somewhere completely shit." "Or maybe it doesn't end up anywhere at all, maybe it just... just keeps going up." "Do you ever think that?" "What, that my life is a drifting sea of mediocrity and the only certainty is my inevitable death?" "Yeah." "No, not really." "So what do you think of my plan?" "Getting Laurie to ditch her article on Harmony and writing an anti-charlatan piece." "I thought that was just a deranged rant." "When did you and Saskia get married?" "2011." "You were there." "You were bridesmaid, for fuck's sake." "Oh, yeah." "You're being stranger than usual." "The key to intelligence work as psychological leverage." "You need to find out what motivates people and then you can use that to manipulate them." "It's not gonna change her mind about buying the flat because you send her a few emails." "People aren't that impressionable." "No, it's not just that." "I mean, take Saskia, for example." "What's her core motivation?" "I don't know, probably to get other people to give her the perfect life, career and family while expending no effort herself." "Yeah, well I've thought about it, and what drives Laurie is her desire to not miss out, driven, no doubt, by some deep-seated... childhood trauma that her parents didn't take her to Disneyland or whatever." "It still burns." "Mmm, so all I need to do is convince her that there's more cool in writing this anti-charlatans campaign than there is in stealing my life!" "Fucking hell, Zencorp is plummeting!" "Wh-why are you even calling me?" "Why do you keep asking me about Saskia?" "Oh, I just wanna know about my family." "No, no, no, you're doing your spying thing again, aren't you?" "Yeah, that's what you're doing." "You stop that right now." "Thank you, Sam." "This talk has helped." "Sorry, you were saying?" "Oh, yes." "Look, this... space... it's one idea, I suppose, but, look, no one has ever suffered in space, apart from aliens, and we can't relate to them." "We can't." "No, for food to mean anything it's gotta be created in pain, possibly boiled in blood." "I've tried it in the past, but I've struggled with coagulation issues." "You're getting all of this?" "Yeah, this is so great." "Amazing." "Amazing." "Where was I?" "Ah, yes, coagulation." "So what I've found, I think, is to offset the..." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, no, um..." "What do you think about gentrification?" "It's definitely bad." "But if you think about it, anything that ends in "ation"" "is bad, you know?" "Industrialization... station... penetration." "Oh no, that one's..." "Well, I suppose it could be bad or good depending on the situation..." "Yeah, definitely, um..." "Also, maybe anti-gentrification, it's the new food?" "No, I think food is still the new food." "Yeah, but..." "Well, I'm just really feeling these anti-gentrification vibes and I just think that food is so next gen that it can wait for just..." "No, Laurie mills, food can't wait!" "My food can't wait!" "It's too important for that!" "Look, Nelson Mandela once said, "you haven't lived until you've found something worth dying for."" "My food is worth dying for, okay?" "God... your hands are so strong." "Frozen and silent," "Leningrad refused to die." "Bread was now made with sweepings, cattle cake and sawdust." "Over two and a half million people were trapped in the city, over 400,000 of them children." "People ate soap, linseed oil, the paste for wallpaper..." ""Saski-babes, totes adore the charlatan thing, when you gave me the job you promised me 100 percent editorial control to guarantee Metro B's authenticity." "I truly believe in Harmony Ambrose."" "Hmm, not as vacuous as we thought!" "Okay." "By Laurie mills." "By Laurie mills." "What?" "What do you mean, a dongle?" "Ugh!" "Come on, help me!" "Hmm..." "Ah, come on, just help me out!" "Surprise!" "You look like shit." "At least you remembered it's Auden's birthday." "That's something, isn't it?" "Yeah..." "Yeah, where is the birthday boy?" "Saskia's taken him to the floating tots swimming experience." "Ah!" "It's my life, by the way." "I'm sorry, Sam." "What are you sorry about?" "Everything." "I... know it's been hard since they died, but... you've got to stop doing these mental things, Mel." "There are other flats." "Yeah, I know it seems crazy, but... if she gets my flat, then... she gets my boy, and she takes my life." "You know, I can't let that happen." "Then come home, be with people who love you... and forget the flat." "And, do you know what, you should forget Harmony as well." "You're doing the crying thing." "Why do I lose everything, Sam?" "Oh, fucking hell." "Come here." "Oh, god, no, no, no, no, no." "Ah, this is silly." "I'm just gonna clean myself up." " You okay?" " Yep, I'm fine!" "I'm fine." "Hey, chicken pop!" "I forgot my dongley thingy." "It's in, uh, my office." "Ah, Melody!" "You gave me a fright!" "Yeah, I know, I was just looking for the loo." "Oh, really?" "It's downstairs, same as it was when you grew up here." "Yeah." "Ah, here we go." "Toodles." "Toodles." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello, darling, my name is Saskia armitage-Munro, don't you know." "I work for Zeitline." "I work for the Zeitline." "Well, I'm the main editor of Zeitline." "You know, one of the most important magazines in London." "Sammy!" "Sam." "Sammy, remember why we're here!" "Sam." "Sam!" "Mmh, mmh, Toodles!" "Laurie, darling, love the fact you're Metro bitch now, Zeitmost." "Thing is, Saskia, is that..." "I'm actually buying Melody's flat through charlatans, so, I mean, wouldn't that look a bit odd?" "That's what makes it so perfect!" "It's life as lived on the front line of hip London!" "When you make a stand and don't buy the flat it'll be a real story, reportage." "So you want me to push Harmony's food thing until next week?" "No, no food thing, just charlatans." "That's going to hurt Harmony's feelings?" "He doesn't matter." "Just do it." "Betrayal?" "Love it." "So next gen." "Okay, Toodles." "Who was that, darling?" "So funny." "Great story." "Tell you later." " Super!" "Our ancestors in caves didn't eat for taste, they ate to survive, and that is the kind of purity of consumption that we need." "My new pop-up will have the need concept." "Every meal will be served by a Japanese Shinto priest holding a loaded gun to your head, and that will amplify the experience more than any flavor." "It'll be like one plus one equals... eight." "A totally immersive dining experience." "Wow, that sounds great!" "Oh, it's better than great!" "Babe, it's a revolution." "That's what me and Laurie have been working on with this article." "It's just amazing that this is happening to me, you know?" "I feel like the luckiest guy in the world." "Um... you..." "Y-you're not hungry?" "Oh, no, I am, I'm starving." "And this is amazing, you know." "It's probably the best-tasting food I've ever tried." "But I shouldn't really be..." "What?" "Look, Laurie says I really need to be 100 percent brand Harmony right now." "And I've already got the advantage of one word equity, you know, like Boris, or Shano..." "Warne." "But also live it, you know?" "Every day is literally a battle against the tyranny of taste, this war of attrition that I've got within myself." "Basically, Laurie says I've got to stop eating food that tastes nice." "All good, babe?" "Do you wanna fuck?" "You do fuck still, don't you?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm still Australian." "Oh god, I love you." " I love you." " I love you." " Yeah, and I love you." " Oh, and I love you!" "I love you." "I love you and I love you." "Are you talking to the flat?" "!" "No?" "Babe!" "Oh, god." "Oh." "He had nothing to do with him." "Oh, my god." "Well, Melsy babes, here you are!" "Oh, and just look at Harmony." "God, if I hadn't been lumbered with Sam" "I'd be all over that sexy Aussie bum." " That's a nice image." " Oh, shut up, darling." "You know I heart you." "Hey." "What has she put you in, eh?" "Yeah, I know." "I feel exactly the same." "So, we start with the greeting." " Yes." " You think so?" "Uh, miss out that bit." "Can I just-can I just ask a question?" "Are we..." "Is this coming before that?" "This bit after." "Oh, look, look." "He's worried." "Oh, he's worried." "Relax!" "That was a strange phone call, wasn't it, Melody?" "What phone call?" "Oh, you know the one." "The one when you rang pretending to be Saskia." "Dashing, dashing." "Hi, hi." "Thanks for coming." "Harmony is going to be heartbroken when I tell him after the ceremony that you betrayed him." "Why don't you just stop making things up?" "Charlatans thing was a nice idea, though." "Bad luck." "Why don't I take him?" "I'm great with kids." "Look, I'm fine." "I can hold a baby." "I think it's probably best, though, if I take him." "Why don't you fuck off and get your own fucking baby?" "!" "Uh, um..." "Why don't we see if you can manage holding this?" "Hello!" "Yay." "Is that better?" "Yes." "Can you get your fucking shit together and stop fucking swearing in the fucking church?" "Shall we begin?" "Yes." "Our lord Jesus Christ has told us that to enter the kingdom of heaven, we must repent our sins!" "For god so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life!" "Hi!" "Hey!" "Speaking of life, that is why we are here!" "So, may I ask you to bring the godparents forward?" " Yes." " Yes." "All right." "Cunt." "And stop right there, yeah." "Bingo." "Have you seen Doris and Dave?" "Thanks for coming!" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "No, stop, stop." "Just fucking stop." "I don't wanna hear." "I took that by mistake." "Mel, just go, okay?" "I don't wanna see you again until you pay me back my child's money, all of it." "Um, where's Laurie?" "Why?" "A story she's written's going bonkers on Twitter," ""burn charlatans burn."" "God, that is so on trend." "Oh, Laurie, have you seen this?" "You're such a clever girl!" "We've gone viral!" " Sorry?" " "Burn charlatans burn."" "God, it's brilliant." "Wow, Laurie, how did you think of that?" "Oh, I suppose you'll have to publicly refuse to buy the flat now." "Oh!" "Oh, we could live-stream her telling the agent!" "Yes, that's brilliant!" "I don't know about you, Saskia, but I'm really impressed that Laurie would be willing to risk her relationship with Harmony for the sake of the right story." "I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive someone who did that to me." "Oh, this is perfect." "You're such a clever little angel." "I'm tweeting piers Morgan now." "Charlatans is the new form of Chinese cabbage." "Actually, like, speak up and say..." "Fuck charlatans!" "I just know how to tuck a penis up my bum." "Heart Laurie mills." "Laurie mills is the one." "Ms. mills." "What's with the video?" "I have come to tell you that I think you're a cancer... eating away at society." "You and your extensive range of high-quality apartments... apartments is what is ruining the local spirit of my area." "You just bring in an influx of wealthy, aspirational, good-looking people, which, quite frankly, I find disgusting!" "Hmm!" "But it's the market." "People want to live in this area." "You want to live in this area!" "How dare you, JP?" "!" "I will never, ever, buy a property from you." "Charlatans have taken our vibe!" "It's ruined our warehouse parties and killed our street markets!" "But now it is time to take our streets back!" "Hoo!" "Hoo!" "Hoo!" "Fuck you, charlatans!" "Fuck you, charlatans!" "Woo-hoo!" "Woo!" "Whoop!" "Whoop!" "Whoop!" "Whoop!" "Whoop!" "Whoop!" "Yeah." "Fuck!" "Oh, my god." "That was so inspirational, it's given me an idea for a starter." "Oh no, wait." "Wait, I'm going to cook for you." "Babe, why are you throwing away a picture of Laurie?" "What?" "Holy shit, it was you." "Just-just ignore that, babe." "You set this whole thing up?" "You knew it would ruin my article." " I did it for us." " No, you didn't." "You want this flat so much, you're welcome to it." "You don't love me, I'm just another thing to you like your... de'longhi." " Where are you going?" " To find Laurie, someone who wants me to succeed." "Well, Laurie doesn't want you to succeed, she just wants your cock!" "Laurie mills actually cares about my food!" "Oh, your food!" "The food is pretentious bullshit!" "You still love me, don't you?" "Mmh." "Who is it?" "Melody Munro, bailiffs collecting on behalf of show me the Skrilla." "Are you letting us in?" "You sure?" "This hasn't happened before." "Just... just take it." "Take it all." "It wasn't a heart attack, it was an irregular murmur brought on by stress." "In fact, saying the words " heart attack"" "made me more stressed." "Apparently, my blood pressure is the worst seen outside of Japanese mid-level management, which is great." "The doctor's given me this... heart rate thing." "Okay, listen, I'm going to stop you right there." "Look." "I want you to sell the flat." "I can't talk about the flat." "Talking about the flat makes me very uncomfortable and nervous." "I need to remain calm." "I need to remain extremely calm." "Okay, well I'm gonna move back with my brother." "And, Tommy..." "I'm sorry." "Fuck." "Sorry." "Sorry, my heart's beating." "Sorry." "It's the emotion." "Fuck." "Suni!" "Suni, fucking getting in here, Suni!" "Fuck." "I'll see you later." "Arh!" "We're temporarily closed at the moment, but you can still view our extensive range of properties online!" "It's Melody." "Step away from this retail property!" "I have your keys." "You can have them." "Wow." "You're joking, yeah?" "To the Victor, the spoils." "Come on, JP, let's get you a celebratory drink." "Glasses are over there." "But... first probably some water, eh?" "The... toy... factory." "Ah, Melody, fancy meeting you here!" "What are you doing?" "Burn charlatan burn!" "I wrote it, so now..." "I'm going to do it!" "Okay, glass, video record." "Say my name." "I am the Metro bitch!" "Laurie..." "I wrote it..." "You know that." "Oh, Melody, you are funny sometimes!" "This is really fucking serious." "You're right, Mel, it is really serious." " Harmon..." " Mel, I found it." "I've found the revolution." "And, look, it'll cause a little bit of pain, quite a lot of destruction, but from its ashes a new world will arise, a better world, and I'll be the one to capture that... in a kebab." "Okay, right, kids, playtime is over." "You can go to jail for this stuff for a very long time." "You can't stop me this time, Melody." "Do you know that Bob Marley once said," ""you haven't lived until you've found something worth dying for"?" "Nelson Mandela." "Well, I... am..." "Bob Marley." "Well, you can be Bob Marley all you want," "Harmony and me, we're getting out of here." " No!" " Come on, Harmony." "Do you know what?" "You two... you deserve each other." "She's always been such a dull bitch." "Let's burn this fucker!" "Hey, Sam, it's me." "I wanna move back home." "You set this whole thing up?" "You've got to stop doing these mental things..." "You set this whole thing up?" "You're playing with fire." "No." "You've got to stop." "No, wait." " Stand back, please!" " No, no, no!" "These guys, they are morons." "It was me." "I did it." "I burnt charlatans." "Fuck you, Melody!" "I burned charlatans and it's all here on my Google glasses!" "You stand back!" "I'm warning you!" "Mel, I'm scared!" " Where's JP?" " He's in the car!" "Laurie's gone nuts!" "We're non-violent, officer, apart from arson!" "You win." "The attractive loft conversion is yours." " JP, stop moaning!" " What?" "I think you've got work to do, and I think you're gonna enjoy it." "Come on!" " What?" "JP!" "JP, tell them!" "Hello, officers." "This woman is fucking crazy!" "I've had enough of this shit!" "I'm going back to Africa to sell weapons." "No, JP!" "You tell them it was me." "It was her." "She's one crazy fucking bitch!" "No!" "It was me!" "Jesus Christ!" "Oh, god, that felt good." "Right, lads, it's taser time!" "Thank you." "All right, Jones?" "Yeah, you know." "How's anger management classes going?" "Shit." "That's nice, innit?" "Stop." "How's my nephew?" "Good." "Really good." "Did you get the money that I transferred over for his birthday?" "Mm-hmm." "So, only two weeks to go!" "Fucking hell, two weeks." "See Laurie's campaign?" "What, the free the charlatans one?" " Mm-hmm." " Yeah." "She's been trying to get in to do an interview." "One good thing about prison, you can stop people from visiting you." "Well, she is a massive cunt." "Yeah." "Saskia has said if you wanna do a column about being a posh girl in prison there might be a slot!" "Ooh, yeah!" "Thanks." "I was actually thinking of trying some cooking when I get out... like a local restaurant somewhere." "And nothing with a theme and not a fucking pop-up." "I was actually quite into the Nazi food." "By the way, yeah, Tommy's back." "I don't know, I thought maybe... you guys could..." "I'd still rather have my old room back with you, if that's all right." "That's fine." "Of course." "Good." "Harmony sends his love." " Does he?" " No." "Not really." "Phew." "Oh, god." "Welcome to guerrilla gourmet, my new cooking show, where we're shooting here in..." "Where are we?" "In Ukraine, and I'm cooking a flaming galah." "Fuck." "Ah, yes." "Harmony, I see men in the trees." "Just keep shooting, Anatoli." "This is what this is all about." "This is a cooking revolution right here." "Oh, fuck." "Fuck!" "Oh, my leg." "Anatoli..." "Anatoli, mate." "I'll get the first aid kit." "Anatoli, did we bring the first aid kit?" "I have seen the light!" "'Cause the anti-Christ is coming too!" "He gonna be bringing smite and retribution!" "Giant wasps, they be coming too!" "Welcome to JP's AKS!" "Today, we're gonna be selling the best fucking weapon known to mankind!" "Fucking get some, baby!" "Yeah!" "Ladies and gentlemen, we've only got 55 of these AK-47s left." "We've got to get rid of them!" "You know, I don't wanna have to put these in the trunk of my car when I leave here and try and drop them off at a township somewhere, no!" "These things have to go!" "There you go, baby." "Do you wanna hold that and show them how you shoot?" "Now, look at this." "Now, you just aim down." "There you go, baby!" "There you go!" "Get some!" "Fuck you!" "When you absolutely positively must kill every motherfucker in the room, this is the only weapon of choice." "Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on." "Yeah, we just sold another five of those." "You could shoot someone about 1,000 yards with this and still take their fucking arm off." "That's just the way it works, eh!" "Now, this is the way I prefer to... give me that there, baby." "This is the way I prefer to shoot, yeah?" "You're gonna take these and you're gonna fucking blow some fucking people's head off!" "Yeah, like that!" "Fucking get some!" "Fucking get some!" "And I said, you know," ""cointreau is for flambéing bananas,"" "but they were drinking it!" "Oh, goodness." "Horrible!" "Well, to bring it back to a conclusion," "I think everything has gone most satisfactorily," "Mr. and Mrs. Munro, and I really don't have any other questions." "It just remains for me to ask Auden if you have anything to add, young man?" "Cunt."