"What's all that stuff?" "This?" "It's just all my old toys." "Or, to quote Bitchcock, "A big dirty pile of shit!"" "Aw, cute duckie wuckie." "Yeah." "Got to make space for baby!" "Baby hasn't got a bedroom." "Baby won't be happy until the last traces of my childhood are completely destroyed!" "Can I have this?" "Oh, my God, it's Snowy and Justin Timberlake!" "Timberlake was kind of like Viva's first boyfriend." "Before she discovered human cock." "God, really?" "Like, this horse here?" "Just to clarify, Timberlake was not in any sense my real boyfriend." "Do you want something, Saz?" "Hey, Viva." "Hey." "Can I ask you something?" "When is Amber going to get over this problem she's got with me?" "I don't know, why don't you ask her?" "Oh, I've asked, but you know how she gets when she's upset about stuff." "Yeah." "I know." "So why won't she talk to meany more?" "All I know is, she said it was over between you two." "All this fuss just cos she found me banging her sister." "That shit happened ages ago, we need to move on from that." "Hang on, you, you slept with Topaz?" "Yeah, I helped myself to a slice of the big sister pie." "But it was one time, and more than a week ago." "She didn't tell you?" "No!" "She didn't tell anyone." "So maybe she's just forgotten." "Or maybe it was just incredibly humiliating for her." "Why did you do it?" "Ah, you know how it is." "No, I don't." "Just one of them things, innit?" "I was wasted, I go to Amber's for some action, she was out and I was in the mood to play, you get me?" "She was out." "So what if Amber's sister wasn't home, but her mum was?" "Yeah, I wouldn't say no to tapping that." "Going directly to the motherlode." "What?" "!" "I ain't going to lie, Amber's mum is a spice." "Ugh!" "Could you talk to Amber for me?" "It would help if you was on my side." "And what would I say?" ""He's not sorry he banged your sister," ""but he wants to do your mumas well."" "No, cos that's not going to help." "Ugh!" "Look, party at mine tonight." "You guys should come." "She should come." "So all the exes are here." "Brandon, Rocky." "Awkward." "Should be fun!" "Feels weird being in Brandon's house." "What, with your clothes on?" "I can't believe you made us come to this, Holli." "Free booze, I mean, come on." "Owen and Leon are here." "I do psychology with Leon." "He's obsessed with violence and serial killers." "If you say any European country, he can name a serial killer from there." "I like his trousers." "Come on Amber, let's go dance - by Leon." "Come on!" "There's a queue." "What's going on in there?" "What can you hear?" "It's either seriously messy sex or the toilet flushing." "Want some?" "I can't believe she did that." "She's always liked Rocky." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, course I am." "What, you think I've got a problem with Holli snogging Rocky?" "No, I'm fine." "She's single, he's single, I'm single, we're all single." "Single, single, single!" "I'm really surprised." "I thought you was going to go mental." "No, I'm fine." "I'm just never ever speaking to Holli again." "Ever!" "Wassup?" "Just so you know, I'm not your friend any more, so please don't talk to me." "What are we, six?" "What did I do?" "You know what you did!" "No." "What?" "I think she means you kissing Rocky." "What?" "!" "I didn't kiss Rocky." "I swear down!" "We all saw you, Holli, we're witnesses." "Everyone knows "witness" is just some legal bullshit word." "I've got pics." "Pics, really?" "I'll believe it when I see it." "There you go." "That's not me." "Just stop lying!" "OK, we kissed, don't have a spaz attack." "Didn't you think about my feelings?" "Yeah, but he wasn't your boyfriend and he started it and I was off my face, mental monkeys." "Seriously, I was wasted." "Have him!" "I don't care." "But I don't want to be friends with you any more." "Come on, Viva." "Wait on a minute, Saz, what's going on?" "Is this a freeze-out?" "I'm not sure." "What's she so upset about?" "It was only a kiss." "Though he did press his man-bits against me." "Did he?" "Come on, Amber!" "Just coming." "You shouldn't have done it, Holli." "So it is a freeze-out." "Shit!" "Look at the freakazoid shaving a row!" "Give me the freeze-out!" "I don't care!" "I've got lots of mates I can hang out with." "I don't need you bitches, and by the way," "Rocky was ramming his man-bits against me!" "Really hard!" "I've got a bruised pelvis!" "Good party last night." "Yeah." "Do you like movies?" "Yeah." "There's a film coming out Friday I'm desperate to see," "Blood Banquet IV." "It's Vic East?" "Do you know Vic East?" "No." "He was the killer in Evil Maniac VII." "Have you seen that?" "No." "And he was the killer in Terminal Chainsaw IX." "Was he the boyfriend in OMG, It's Love II?" "No." "What's this film about?" "It's about this character played by Vic East, he's just a regular guy apart from being a cannibal serial killer bulimic." "Cool!" "In each film he moves to a new town, makes new friends, gets a job and then he starts killing and eating people." "And then puking them up." "Cool." "So, is there a love story?" "No, there's not." "Cool." "Yeah, cool." "Yeah." "Like I said, cool." "Well, I think it's cool too." "It sounds totally disgusting." "Yes, totally disgusting." "Bye." "Bye!" "What an idiot!" "And you two going on like morons, "Cool, cool."" "Oh, my God, do you two like him or something?" "I kind of like him." "So do I." "And who does he like?" "I don't know, I can't tell." "I know where he lives." "So?" "So we can find out who Leon likes out of me and you." "How?" "We get dressed-up and walk past his house till he comes out and tries to do it with one of us!" "See you tomorrow!" "I don't think Amber should be getting involved with Leon." "Not after what she went through with Brandon." "Well, what happened with Brandon?" "Come on, tell me!" "She found him in bed with her sister." "Don't tell anyone." "So that's why Amber and Brandon split up." "I thought he dumped her." "No." "God, it's so..." "Humiliating." "Yeah, and..." "Sleazy." "And..." "Gross!" "Poor Amber!" "Yeah." "It doesn't mean I'm going to let her have Leon." "I know you and Rocky are going through a bad patch." "No, we're not going through a bad patch, it's completely finished." "Well, what ever." "But remember this, Viva, forgiveness is a flower that blossoms in the manure of pain." "What?" "You and Rocky need to talk, because communication is the rain that makes that flower grow." "Right." "Thanks, Dad." "This his inspirational quotes app?" "I think he's making up his own material now." "So many baby names to choose from." "I'm thinking something unusual, maybe nature-related." "Sunshine, Misty, Rainbow, Storm." "Tsunami." "Tornado?" "Typhoon?" "Typhoid!" "I know you're hurting." "Rocky should never have kissed Holli at" "Brandon's party, but it's probably Dominique's fault because she told" "Kes that Holli fancied Rocky, and if she hadn't have..." "How do you know all of this?" "Well, you know me and Rocky text each other." "Anyway, I've asked him round so you two can talk." "Well, I won't talk to him, so you can just text him and tell him not to come." "He's here." "Fine." "I'll just jump off the balcony and he can talk to my broken, bleeding corpse." "That would solve the bedroom problem." "It shouldn't have happened." "I'm sorry." "Why did you do it?" "That is exactly the question I want to know the answer to myself." "Cos it's like one minute you're all tattooing my name on yourself and then you're snogging my best mate." "I know, I know." "I've still got that tattoo, by the way." "That tattoo is going nowhere, our bond is strong, emotional." "Yeah, plus the in kis like three layers down." "Oh, more than that, it's penetrated through like seven layers, cos that's how big a deal this is to me." "You haven't even got seven layers." "It's not just in my epidermis." "Viva, it's in my dermis." "I just want you to tell me the truth, why did you do it?" "I was trying to make you jealous." "Oh, my God, Rocky!" "Plus I was wasted!" "That is not an excuse!" "Why does everyone think being wasted is such a good excuse?" "It's pathetic!" "And you made me lose my best friend." "Just leave." "Snowdrop, Bluebell, Jasmine..." "Flower names are too cliched." "Are they?" "You should be thinking more... fruits." "Satsuma!" "Satsuma Bennett." "I like it." "We don't have to make a decision now." "We could even wait until after she's born." "No, but the baby shower's soon, and I want to give people time to get the gifts personalised." "What about a satsuma theme for the baby shower?" "No, Jamie, the theme's pink." "It's going to be a beautiful celebration of the mama-to-be." "And I've spent a fortune on cakes and booze, so they'd better get me good presents." "See you, Rob." "Later, bruv." "Call me if you need me." "Bye, Mrs Hitchcock." "Thanks for having me." "I'm thinking you should go easy on him." "You know, he's pretty cut up about the break-up." "Why is everybody on Rocky's side?" "The thing to remember, Viva, is that the dude was wasted." "No." "I don't care." "That's not an excuse." "Just because you're drunk, it doesn't mean you can do what you want." ""Oh, I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend, but I was wasted."" ""I'm sorry I set fire to your dog, but I was wasted."" ""Oh, I'm sorry I blew up planet earth, but I was wasted!"" "Being wasted doesn't make anything OK!" "I think her period must be due." "I mean, I can check, cos I keep a note of everyone's period in my pukka pad so they can't lie to me and get off games." "Yep, I know the menstrual pattern of every girl in Greenshoots Academy." "Ugh!" "Aw!" "I know something very interesting about Leon." "What?" "What, tell me?" "What are you doing?" "The freeze-out, remember?" "Shame you're giving me the freeze-out, cos I know exactly who Leon likes." "But, you ain't talking to me, so I can't tell you, can I?" "Oh, come on, Holli, just tell us." "We need to know who's got to wax off all their body hair off before the weekend." "Saz needs a lot of notice." "A lot." "Probably too late for this weekend." "What's the matter with you?" "We need to get Viva to end the freeze-out so Holli tells us who Leon likes." "You're not still talking about that Leon?" "I've got an idea." "We get dressed-up and we walk past his house." "Yeah, that's a shit plan, Amber." "Holli knows who Leon likes, but she won't tell us cos of the freeze-out." "What are you saying?" "We can't freeze her out for ever." "You was broken up with Rocky and they was both..." "Do not say "wasted"!" "..at a party." "And anyway, I'm worried about her, I think she's sad." "Oh, she'll be fine." "She's got loads of mates." "She'll find another crew easy as." " Hey, wassup, girl?" " Fuck off, Brandon!" "If he did to me what he'd done to you, I would..." "How do you know what he did?" "Er, Viva told me." "Brandon told me." "He wanted me to talk to you and help him make up with you, but I was like, "no".That boy is a snake." "Total snake." "Massive snake." "We're freezing him out too, of course." "It's so disgusting." "Your sister, Brandon, in bed - doing it." "Not sure this is helping," "Saz." "What did he say when you caught them together?" "He said, "Hey Amber, want to join in?"" "Oh, no..." "And that's why I think Saz should let me have Leon." "To help me get over Brandon." "No." "Ugh!" "Do you want a game?" "Fuck off then, you little arseholes!" "Charlie and me loved the film of you munching on Rocky's face and Viva going off blubbing her eyes out." "So funny." "There was a film?" "And Charlie and me are thinking, you might fit into our group." "What, the super-fake bitches group?" "Yeah." "We've got an opening after Charlie discovered one of Lauren's nipples was inverted and asked her to leave." "Why would I want to be a super-fake bitch?" "One woman's super-fake bitch is another woman's super-fierce hottie." "What's in it for me?" "So many benefits." "You get to go straight to the front of the lunch queue, no-one messes with you, and you get your own little year seven slave, who goes down to the bus stop and warms you a space on the wall." "Nah." "You get invited to every party and you get to go to all the clubs, because Charlie knows people." "Could Charlie get us into Fuck A Footballer Night at Freakout?" "We've been loads." "Plus, we'd be prepared to share all our little tips and tricks to get you looking as fierce as us." "You want to give me a make over?" "Face it Holli, there's only one hair colour, and it's not... ..burgundy." "Told you she'd be fine." "There's Leon!" "Wish I knew who he was waving at." "Just be normal and find a way to give him your phone number." "So Vic East squeezes this guy's neck until his tongue shoots out, and then he staple-guns the guy's tongue to a tree." "Talking of mouths, I've got this weird talent." "I can sing my phone number to the tune of God Save The Queen." "♪ 02079... ♪ 460124" "♪ That is my number. ♪" "I'll tell you what's really strange," "I've the exact same phone number as my sister, except for one number, so she's, like, 07700 900 936, and I'm, like, 07700 900 935." "That's 07700 900 935." "And I can say it slow." "077..." "And I do it to other tunes too." "♪ 02070460124!" "♪ 02070460124!" "Hey!" "♪" "I've also got this weird habit of doodling my phone number on everything." "Everything, you know?" "This one's a bit trickier." "♪ 0207946... ♪ 012... four-or-or-or ♪" "And I do requests, any tune at all." "Can you do it to Empire State Of Mind by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys?" "Holli, babe, you're getting lipstick on your..." "What is that thing?" "Pasty." "Watch how we eat so lippy doesn't go on our food." "Bitch is wearing my perfume!" "There was a big 'whoosh' of it as she went by." "Faye, pop over there and explain to Miss Obesity she can't wear Charlie's perfume." "And while you're over there, tell her she needs to lose 17 pounds." "That's stupid, you can't stop other people buying that perfume." "Um, I don't think I heard Charlie directly address you." "Yeah, so?" "I thought I explained this to you." "You don't speak directly to Charlie unless she speaks to you." "My throat's getting dry." "What are you all looking at me for?" "I think I need a coke." "Charlie needs you to get her a coke." "What?" "It's your job now." "Off you go." "Quick!" "Quick!" "Charlie's thirsty." "Thank you, Holli." "So what's going on?" "Is this a freeze-out?" "I thought so." "It's all a bit complicated, Sir." "I think I'll cope." "OK." "Basically, I kissed Viva's boyfriend." "Ex-boyfriend." "Who I only dumped a few days ago." "And I hate Brandon, cos he two-timed me with my sister." "I haven't told anyone, but..." "Everyone knows." "Meanwhile this guy called Leon really likes me." "Or me." "Probably me, though." "Only I know who he likes best." "But she won't tell anyone." "We're doing a freeze-out on Holli after what she done to Viva." "I still like Amber and I shouldn't have banged her sister, but..." "I was wasted." "I was wasted." "She was wasted." "Being wasted is no excuse." "I told you it's complicated." "And how do you feel about Viva?" "Well, seeing as you're asking," "I fucking hate her for freezing me out, cos she's my best friend and I love her." "Have you said sorry?" "No, I ain't." "Why should I say sorry?" "To show you're sorry?" "What?" "I need to get her a really expensive present or take her to Nandos?" "Well, you need to think about what's practical." "What would you do if it was you?" "Say your boyfriend caught you snogging Mr Perkins, that new PE geezer." "I'm not about to discuss my private life with you, Holli." "I've seen you and your boyfriend in the Chinese buffet." "Thank you Holli." "You're a devil for them pork balls, if you don't mind me saying, Sir." "I can't believe Brandon asked you to join in on a threesome." "He's so disgusting." "No, though we did sort of have a threesome once at Brandon's house when we was having sex in the dark and his dog joined in and we didn't realise for ages." "His dog." "How could you not realise?" "I just thought I'm lucky Brandon is such a skilful lover." "I mean, eventually I thought, no, he can't be licking my boobs and licking my toes at the same time." "So I turned on the light and there was Brandon, licking my toes." "Who is he waving at?" "It's like he thinks we know who he likes, but we don't." "Well, don't look at me, I've got no idea." "I think he's a creepy loser." "There's got to be a way of finding out who he likes." "Maybe we could write him a note saying," ""Do you want to do one of us?" "Tick A for Amber and B for Saz."" "That's a dumb idea." "And I'm not being B." "I think I'll leave you two to sort this one out on your own." "I still think we should get dressed up and walk past his house." "Jaslene, Jadene, Ashlene, Charlene, Nadine, Bergamot." "Berga-who?" "Bergamot." "Bergamot, it's a beautiful fruit, a bit like an orange." "Can't we just move away from the citrus?" "Burger for short. "Nice, Burger, come and get your dinner."" "Hello?" "Hiya!" "Are you drunk?" "You must be, cos you look pleased to see me." "You having a party?" "It's Anna's baby shower today, so you definitely cannot come in." "Wait, don't, don't shut the door." "You need to help me with Amber." "People think I'm boring and annoying, but you have to take responsa-bitilly." "Responsa-litibby." "You have to take that thing I can't say." "Are you dancing?" "No." "Cos if people don't take responsa..." "That thing I can't say, then there's no accounta-bitilly." "Accounta-litibby." "Basically, if people don't take that thing I can't say, then there's no that other thing I can't say, but it's like nobody gets that." "Idiots." "You've got a very beautiful face." "You're only just noticing that?" "Your cheek bones are..." "Damn!" "That is like a 47 degree angle, Brandon." "You're good at this shit." "Oh, yeah." "I thought you'd be one of them girls that kisses like them up-tight bitches that is afraid of catching something." "I'm not afraid of catching nothing." "Why, have you got something?" "No, I'm clean as a whistle." "I'm so drunk, Brandon." "Yeah, me too." "But don't worry, we can still do it." "That will not be a problem." "I'm just really sad, Brandon." "I've lost my best friend, and I've lost Justin Timberlake." "You lost who?" "He's gone." "My little Timberlake is gone." "I went to look for him, but it was no good." "No, it's a horse." "No, it's a horse." "It's a horse!" "Whoa!" "This has got court case written all over it, and I ain't down for that." "Look, I'm sorry, Viva, we can hook up when you're sober, but for now, I'm out." "I'm not going to have sex with you when I'm sober!" "So what are you doing kissing me on your bed then?" "I don't know." "Oh, my God." "Oh, just fuck off, Brandon!" "I'm the worst friend ever." "Oh, God!" "Flamingo smoothie." "Go away Brandon, you can't come in!" "I said go..." "Why did you shout, "Go away, Brandon"?" "Is Brandon here?" "I can smell him." "Lynx Dark Temptation, that's his weekday smell." "No, of course he's not here." "Why would he be here?" "So why did you just shout, "Go away, Brandon"?" "Cos he was such a bastard to Amber." "Are you drunk?" "Yes." "Are you?" "Viva, we need to stop the freeze-out, cos we need to know who Leon likes." "Holli knows and we need to know, cos it's basically killing us." "Oh, pink cakes!" "I like pink cake!" "No, they're for Anna's baby shower!" "You had Brandon in here, didn't you?" "No." "Yes, you did, admit it." "OK, fine, but nothing happened, much." "Viva!" "How could you do that, after Holli and Rocky?" "It's completely different." "Brandon's our worst enemy." "I know." "I know, but I was wasted." "Huh!" "Oh, God." "These cakes are lovely." "Hi, we're home!" "What's happened to my special cupcakes?" "I'm not happy about this, Rob." "It's theft." "If I'd done this back home my dad would have put me in the field with the bull!" "We don't have a bull, but we'll let her off with a verbal warning." "Go on, my guests are arriving, Jamie, go on." "Oh, shit, Rob, three of the bottles of fizz have gone!" "I trusted you, Viva." "It's not all Viva's fault, Miss Bitchcock." "I ate two of the cakes." "I don't care, I'm coming in." "Whoa." "What is it?" "Is it for the baby?" "It's a horse." "Oh, yes, but what is it?" "It's a horse." "I wanted a fucking bugaboo buggy, not a fuck-ugly pony!" "It's not even pink!" "Oh, hi, Nessie, hi, Kate." "Sorry about the pony, it's Rob's daughter, she's a fucking idiot!" "Ah, gifts!" "What did you get me?" "I'm sorry about Rocky, Viva." "I've never been this close to a real horse." "I got him from my cousin who's a gypsy." "Got to give him back tomorrow." "He's not Timberlake, but..." "Thank you." "And I'm sorry I've been such a bitch." "Oh, yay!" "We're all friends again, I'm so happy!" "Now Holli can tell us which of us Leon likes, me or Saz." "Bet it's me." "No, it's Viva." "What?" "Why?" "Why does everyone like Viva?" "So he likes Viva?" "So me and Saz sat through Orgy Of Guts I and II for nothing?" "I enjoyed them." "He fucking stinks!" "If he shits in here, I'm literally going to make you eat it!" "Take him outside, Viva." "Anna, remember, "Calm mama, calm baba."" "Oh, Jesus, I feel like I might give birth right now!" "Remember, calm." "Oh, shut up!" "Come on, Jellybean." "Jellybean?" "Jellybean." "Jellybean Bennett..." "Amber?" "I've got something to tell you."