"By order of Commandant Wilhelm Klink, all prisoners have to stay away from doors and windows, and are not allowed to leave the barracks for no reason whatsoever until further notice." "You can't do that." "It's against the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention." "And the rules of organized warfare." "And don't forget the Interstate Commerce Commission." "I have given the order." "Every time I tell them something, they always give me trouble." "Good-bye, Schultz!" "Good-bye, old Shultz." "Hey, Colonel, what's happening?" "We're gonna find out right now." "Carter, watch the door." "Hey, they just brought in a civilian." "Anybody we know?" "He's guarded by two Kraut officers." "They put him in that storage building they've been cleaning out all this week." "Must be important." "I could sneak out and find out, maybe." "No?" "Nah, nah, nah." "Got a better idea." "Schultz probably knows what's going on." "Carter, go tell him there's a seat open in the blackjack game." "Newkirk, start the blackjack game." "21." "Name of the game, gents." "Wieder ein-und-swanzig." "He beats me again." "He's knocking my brains out." "Tough luck, old chap." "Care for another go?" "What do you think?" "You think I'm a sucker?" "You think I just got off the bus from Dusseldorf?" "Hmm." "I bet 25 marks... on the cuff." "Sorry, Schultz." "You've already had 300 marks on tick." "You'll have to get the okay from..." "Colonel Hogan." "What's the problem, Schultz?" "Oh, our friend here wants more credit, Colonel, but he's already into us for quite a bit." "Oh, I see." "Well, Schultz, you owe us money and, obviously, you can't pay." "What are you gonna do about it?" "I'm going to make a comeback." "Don't you worry." "Gambling is against the rules, especially with prisoners." "Now, if Colonel Klink should find out... ( whistles ) say hello to the gang at the Russian front, baby." "Oh, Colonel, please give him a chance." "Yeah, Colonel, take it easy on him." "He's not a bad sort..." "for a goon." "All right." "I'll tell you what." "You can get even and back into the game, Schultz." "Tell us who the civilian was that they brought into camp tonight." "You want me to give you a secret for 300 marks?" "!" "He who dances must pay the fiddler." "Who's dancing?" "My answer is no." "Oh, Colonel..." "I just overheard those two guards talking." "Guess who that man is that they brought in here tonight?" "Who?" "( whispering )" "( laughing )" "Who do you think I am, a Dummkopf or something?" "Using that old corny trick." "I'm the only one that Commandant Klink told that the man is a captured French scien...tist." "French scientist, Schultz?" "What's his name?" "I say no more." "It slipped out." "I have witnesses." "The Russian front, baby-- combing your hair with an ice pick every morning." "Come on, Schultz, you're in too deep." "What's his name?" "( exhales )" "His name is Henry DuBois." "Deal me in." "He was brought here for some experiments." "Deal me in." "SHULTZ:" "Deal me in." "Hit me." "Hit me." "Deal me..." "Ah!" "Ein-und-zwanzing!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "( laughing )" "Hey, here's the answer on DuBois from London, Colonel." "Okay, Kinch." ""DuBois synthetic fuel expert." ""Reported collaborating." ""Valuable man." ""Try get him our side." "Failing, eliminate DuBois and work."" "Sounds like a big job, huh?" "Must be." "They went over ten words." "May I ask how you found out that Henry DuBois is here?" "Colonel, a POW camp is like a beauty parlor-- gossip, loose talk, rumors about such things as who's being transferred to the Russian front." "They wouldn't dare." "I am needed here." "Of course." "Of course." "But, just in case, the boys are knitting you a beautiful muffler." "And what is this about LeBeau?" "Oh, yeah." "Monsieur DuBois caught sight of him this morning and immediately asked him to work in his laboratory." "But why LeBeau?" "You have never heard of Louis LeBeau?" "The man they called Mr. Test Tube at the École de Chimie in Paris?" "He's a chemist?" "In France, he's known for the discovery of hemolac." "He..." "Hemolac?" "What is hemolac?" "That's a problem for after the war:" "What is hemolac?" "But he's a cook who works for the prisoners." "You know what they say at the universities:" "You show me a chemist, and I'll show you a great chef." "What's the difference whether you have hydrochloric acid or a pot roast cooking on a Bunsen burner?" "I can't believe it." "Just think how great it would be for you if you got the credit for speeding up Monsieur DuBois' experiments." "Yes!" "I can see where" "General Burkhalter would be very pleased." "It's amazing how far ahead of me you are at times." "Amazing." "So..." "LeBeau refuses to work for him, eh?" "That little cockroach." "I'll show him who's in command of Stalag 13." "Bring him in!" "Monsieur LeBeau, from the École de Chimie in Paris." "I will not do it." "I will not." "We have ways of making you obey orders." "I'm only required to give my name, rank and serial number." "I am Louis LeBeau, Corporal, and my serial number is H-1-2-4-9-7..." "H-1-2... 4..." "H..." "The man who invented hemolac can't even remember his own serial number." "They're all that way." "Einstein once left the house without his pants." "That means nothing to me." "It meant something to him." "Corporal LeBeau, you are hereby ordered to report to Monsieur DuBois and assist him as requested." "Dismissed." "Monsieur DuBois?" "Oui." "I am Corporal Louis LeBeau." "I've been ordered to assist you in your experiments." "I have no need for an assistant." "I did not ask for one." "This is the order of the commandant," "Colonel Wilhelm Klink." "Then I have no choice." "Yes, you do have a choice, Monsieur DuBois." "Cochon!" "Your choice is work for the allies or die!" "And I will see to that myself." "Collaborator!" "Collaborator?" "Yes!" "( groans )" "Do you think I do this because I want to?" "They are holding my daughter at the hotel in town." "If I do not do as they say, who knows what might happen to her?" "You didn't volunteer?" "I'm loyal to our country." "My daughter and I were captured when France fell." "The Germans force me to work for them." "I have been delaying, making little useless experiments." "Frankly, I..." "I don't know what to make anymore." "I have an idea for you." "Yes?" "How about crêpes suzette?" "Crêpe su...?" "( both laughing )" "( sotto voce ):" "LeBeau told me" "DuBois said he wouldn't leave without his daughter." "We'll never get her out of that hotel." "They've got half the German army guarding the girl." "We'll just have to rescue the girl." ""We'll just have to rescue the girl."" "Great." "But how?" "How many men would be guarding a prisoner in a place like the Hausner Hof?" "CARTER:" "Two or three squads." "Maybe a captain and even a major." "What difference does it make?" "Might as well be a bleeding general." "Why not a general?" "I mean, if a general showed up at the Hausner Hof and demanded the girl..." "Where are we going to get somebody like that?" "He comes up with ideas, I.." "You will stand at attention when General Von Himmelburger addresses you!" "Jawohl, Herr Gener... ( growls )" "( groans )" "Thank you, Putzi." "We are the Hausner Hof Hotel, Herr General." "Danke schon, Putzi." "I hate to read signs unless it's absolutely necessary." "Achtung!" "NEWKIRK:" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Schnell, Dummkopf!" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "( bell dings )" "This is General Von Himmelburger of the fuhrer's staff." "Heil Hitler." "ALL:" "Heil Hitler." "Depressing." "Depressing." "Putzi, until this moment," "I thought we had a chance to win the war." "But don't quote me." "SERGEANT:" "At your orders, Herr General." "You are holding a prisoner here, a girl named..." "Marie DuBois, Herr General." "Heil Hitler." "ALL:" "Heil Hitler." "Marie DuBois." "I want her taken outside, put in my machine at once." "But Herr General..." "SERGEANT:" "Herr General..." "Take this man's name, have him transferred to the Russian front." "Jawohl, Herr General." "Heil Hitler." "ALL:" "Heil Hitler." "May I be of assistance, Herr General?" "This man is to be court-martialed and shot!" "But, Herr General, I have not even greeted you yet." "That's why-- you're too slow." "Will you never learn?" "!" "General Himmelburger, may I be of assistance?" "You may not!" "Take this man's name, Putzi." "Transfer to the Russian front, sir, or court-martialed to be shot?" "I don't know." "Mix 'em up." "Jawohl, Herr General." "Heil Hitler." "ALL:" "Heil Hitler." "Sir, I regret, we must have written authorization to release the prisoner." "You dare to question the authority of General Von, Von, Von...." "Himmelburger." "Himmelburger?" "This man will be court-martialed, shot and sent to the Russian front!" "Now, listen to me, all of you." "My patience is at an end." "I want this girl brought down and put in my machine." "In five minutes." "( glass shattering )" "Repeat, five minutes." "( glass shattering )" "HOGAN:" "If you do not follow my orders" "( glass breaking ) within that time, you will all be transferred to the Russian front." "Including the hotel itself." "( bellows )" "Do you hear me?" "!" "Aah!" "Yaah!" "He means it." "I know him." "What do we do if they don't bring the girl out?" "We go to the Russian front." "Wish they'd hurry up, then." "Got to get the motorcycle back to the pool." "Watch it." "( clears throat )" "Where are you taking me?" "Silence." "The girl, Herr General." "Very good." "You made it with 40 seconds to spare." "General." "Uh-huh." "Ah..." "Danke, Putzi." "The girl." "Fraulein?" "I wish to question the girl, and we may as well be comfortable." "HOGAN:" "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler.Heil Hitler." "They change the dogs so they won't get too friendly with the prisoners." "( barking quietly )" "Are they dangerous?" "Oh, only to the Germans." "Au revoir." "Au revoir." "Merci, huh?" "Merci beaucoup." "Enough already." "Au revoir." "Papa!" "Marie." "Oh..." "Marie..." "Pardon me?" "We've only got 24 hours to make contact with that British sub." "We got to get cracking." "Cracking?" "Uh, follow me, uh, s'il vous plaît." "Oui." "Allez, Marie, allez." "OFFICER:" "Mama Bear to Goldilocks." "Mama Bear to Goldilocks." "Confirming." "Will pick up two packages-- one large, one small-- at point Y-14 in 24 hours." "Over and out." "Escaped?" "!" "DuBois escaped?" "!" "Yes, sir." "LeBeau went to his laboratory a couple of minutes ago, and DuBois was gone." "I hate to get you out of bed, sir." "Gee, this is a beautiful robe." "Oh, danke." "This is impossible." "No one escapes from Stalag 13." "Yeah, looks like you got a first on your hands, sir." "You know something about this, cockroach?" "Oh, come on." "If he helped DuBois to escape, would he tell you anything?" "Perhaps not." "Oh, this is terrible, terrible." "I know how you must feel, sir." "No, you don't." "KLINK:" "I have been informed by Berlin that a Professor Altman is coming here tomorrow to meet with DuBois and check on the experiments!" "There is no DuBois, and they will hold me personally responsible for this." "Yes, sir, they can be mean when they want to." "I must find DuBois at once." "Now, we will search this countryside inch by inch tonight." "We need 24 hours." "KLINK:" "What?" "!" "He means we'll be glad to join in the search, but we'll never find DuBois in time to meet Altman." "Hmm... in that case," "I am finished." "I have a suggestion, Colonel." "We have to stall for time, right?" "Now, Altman has never met DuBois." "Why not have LeBeau stand in for him?" "Can you do it, cockroach?" "Well, he's been working with him." "He knows all the experiments." "I do?" "Oh, yes, sir, I do." "All right, I have no other choice." "But if anything goes wrong," "I will hold you personally responsible, and you will take the consequences." "Yes, sir." "You heard him." "He's going to hold me personally responsible, and if anything goes wrong..." "I will take the consequences." "HOGAN:" "Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?" "Well, most of the time, we just made crêpes suzettes." "We've got to stall long enough for DuBois and the girl to get started for England." "Carter, you know chemistry." "I know what?" "Well, you ran a chemist shop." "Well, I ran a drugstore." "I ran a drugstore in Muncie, Indiana." "All right." "I want you to teach LeBeau some chemistry by 9:00 tomorrow morning." "Some words and phrases and stuff." "I can't." "Look, you're wasting time, Carter." "We got about six- and-a-half hours, and a lot depends on this." "I can't teach him any chemistry." "Why not?" "Look, Colonel, I ran a drugstore." "You know, like candy, uh, cigarettes, cosmetics, liquor, beach chairs..." "You know, a drugstore." "Wait a minute, I got this." "Maybe he can look through this and find something." "Handbook of Pharmacy, huh?" "Yeah, I've been carrying it for two years." "I'm going to take the exam when I get home." "Oh, swell." "Start reading." "Professor DuBois," "I have the honor to present" "Professor Altman and Captain Krug." "Professor DuBois," "I have heard a great deal about you." "I trust your experiments justify your reputation." "So do I." "Berlin is expecting progress." "It would be unfortunate if they are disappointed." "( weak chuckle )" "Well, I shall leave you two great friends together." "( chuckling )" "Good luck." "Uh, sit down, gentlemen, please." "Now, uh, before we begin," "I-I would like you to meet my assistant." "This is my assistant," "Monsieur LeBeau." "Bonjour." "We have a saying in France." "A little refreshment makes the job easier." "It's only a saying." "A votre sante." "Prosit." "Prosit." "Now, as you know, gentlemen, the problem has been to produce a workable synthetic fuel." "( chuckles )" "That's a problem that has been stopping us for years." "In preparing, uh, an emulsion, uh, careful measurement of quantities used is most important." "An emulsion?" "An emulsion!" "Oh, we have never approached the problem from that angle." "ALTMAN:" "Brilliant conception, and so simple." "Merci." "Tell me, Professor, did you use positive or negative ions in the processing?" "What a question." "Forgive me, Professor, but don't they teach you fellows anything in Berlin?" "I beg your pardon, Professor DuBois." "Obviously, he's way ahead of us." "As I was saying, in preparing an emulsion, the steps are as follows." "Number one:" "Select components as listed by doctor in prescription?" "Doctor?" "Prescription?" "Uh, oh, I am also an M.D., and it's easier for me to think in those terms." "Number two:" "After selecting components, make accurate measurements." "Number three:" "Select vessel in which mixing process will be made." "And number four:" "Uh... wash hands before beginning." "( faucet running )" "The good ones-- they are always so sanitary." "Ja, ja, ja." "Goldilocks to Mama Bear, Goldilocks to Mama Bear." "Advise without delay when two packages are picked up." "But only, do-do you mean to tell me that you have actually been able to mix these two substances?" "That's right, Hans." "Cynogenic acid and Palmer's alkali." "Wunderbar." "But my dear boy," "I-I find it difficult to believe that these two could act as a catalyst." "Oh, not only as a catalyst, but... the mixture also relieves nasal congestion?" "Wunderbar!" "It's a ruddy miracle." "Ja, ja, ja, ja." "OFFICER:" "Mama Bear to Goldilocks, Mama Bear to Goldilocks." "Have picked up two packages-- one large, one small-- as arranged." "Will now proceed to post office." "Over and out." "That's it." "They've picked up DuBois and his daughter." "Carter, get going." "Right." "Frankly, mon ami," "I-I was a little worried about the catalytic factor, but... you say it works." "Yes, Liebchen, and also breaks up nasal congestion." "Ah, he is ein genius." "Oh, you've saved us hundreds of hours of testing." "I think." "Professor DuBois..." "How dare you enter this laboratory!" "Don't you know we have a conference going on?" "!" "I'm sorry, sir." "I, uh, just wanted to let you know that two packages have arrived safely." "And not a minute too soon." "New chemicals we ordered." "Oh, yeah." "Uh, we must no longer keep you from your experiments." "Uh, Captain, we are going." "Ja, ja, ja, ja." "Oh, thank you." "Ja, ja." "Danke schon, Herr Professor, and I can see that everything here is going nicely." "Uh, indeed, it is." "And we'll be back tomorrow for some more refreshments." "Ah!" "I mean, information." "And you can demonstrate for us your new process, huh?" "Ja?" "Ja." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "ALTMAN:" "Auf Wiedersehen." "You brought it off!" "You were smashing!" "And that's how you feel, huh?" "( laughs ) Oh..." "ALTMAN:" "Uh, Professor DuBois, one more thing." "A favor." "If you have any more of that emulsion left, would you be so kind as to save it for me?" "Yes, but..." "I have a little nasal congestion." "( sniffles )" "Auf Wiedersehen." "LeBEAU:" "Auf Wiedersehen." "NEWKIRK:" "Auf Wiedersehen." "You know something?" "It's a crazy war." "All right, all right." "We got away with it, as you say, but I still haven't found DuBois, and Altman will be here tomorrow for another inspection and a demonstration." "Colonel, you worry too much." "I worry?" "Your life is easy." "You're only a prisoner of war." "No problem whatsoever." "As Professor DuBois was killed in an explosion in his laboratory." "Well, in that case, you are..." "Killed in his laboratory?" "When?" "Five, four, three, two, one." "( loud explosion )" "Any questions?" ""(End of Episode)""