"Hi." "I'm Chloe." "I know, you're probably thinking I'm a..." "Narc?" "Professor." "Exactly, but I'm not." "I'm a freshman." "I just look slightly older because I am." "Slightly." "That's cool." "My mom had a midlife crisis thing, too." "Midlife crisis?" "Shut your smooth little face." "And that's a stupid hat." "Bye, girls." "Can I join you?" "Of course." "It's good to see another person who was alive during the Clinton administration." "Are you a Professor?" "Or are you a Narc?" "I think that girl over there is holding." "No, I'm a Professor..." "Astrophysics." "Why do you look so surprised?" "Why do you look like no Astrophysics Professor ever?" "You really don't recognize me." "Oh, my God." "You're famous." "Oh, you do look familiar." "You're, um..." "You're..." "Uh..." "Sorry, you're, uh..." "It's your perfume." "Oh, my God, you're Ivan Owens from the junior high math team." "Hi, Chloe." "But what happened?" "You were like a perfect storm of nerd." "You're too kind." "Hey, I went to high school with this guy..." "you know what we used to call him in gym class?" "Please, please don't do this." "Ivan, the terrible... at sports..." "Do you remember why?" "I was terrible at sports." "He was terrible at sports." "And look at him now." "Can I just stop you for a second?" "Because, if you keep going, I'm not gonna want to say what I want to say, and I've wanted to say it for a long time." "What do you want to say?" "Chloe Goodwin, would you like to go get a drink with me sometime?" "Sure." "Why not?" "Hey, do you remember that sound you used to make when you would run?" "It was like a wet wheeze." "It was like... (Wheezing)" "Yeah, see, now I regret it already. 1.06" " Happy Hour" "Chloe:" "So, uh, what's with the guitar?" "Well, as you know, in my efforts to become a responsible father," "I've given up my life in crime, which only leaves one viable source of income left." "Which is..." "A job." "Country music super stardom." "You're right, you're right." "One step at a time." "Work your way up to a job." "Henry, we've been over this." "Okay, you're not gonna find" "Jimmy Goodwin sitting behind some desk, especially one of those roll-top things." "Actually, I was thinking a drive-through window." "I think you'd look good in a paper hat." "I do look good in a paper hat." "I know." "Come on, man, this music thing's gonna pan out." "I have a paid gig tonight." "You have a paid gig?" "At the Essonwall Bar." "Jimmy, that's great." "Are you still doing the Johnny Cash thing where you write songs about all your various crimes?" "I have to..." "It's the only way to purge these demons." "Even if it does get me into the occasional legal scrape or two." "♪ Late last night a crime went down ♪" "♪ just off the interstate" "♪ a man broke into storage unit number 28 ♪" "♪ and the items that were stolen ♪" "♪ they include the following" "Hey, Lou, are we working that case?" "♪ a tennis racket" "♪ a leather jacket and a minibar, that was heavy ♪" "♪ an ironing board, an antique sword... ♪" "We are working that case." "Let's grab him." "No, no, it's not a confession." "It's a... it's a song!" "It's my art!" "I might try out some new songs tonight." "I've got this great one in a-minor..." ""Chloe, I used your toothbrush."" "Don't worry." "It's a different Chloe." "So, uh, how are things going with your fiancée?" "Are we ever gonna meet this chick?" "Eventually, yeah." "She's still really busy, though." "But at least she's getting my texts now, and that's a good thing." "Texts and other stuff, right, Mr. Nasty Pants?" "(Cooing)" "Hey, I'm having as close to a physical relationship with my fiancée as possible under the circumstances, which does mean sending the occasional boudoir photo." "Ew!" "Who does that?" "It's Kate's thing..." "she sends me a picture, she gets mad if I don't send her one back, so..." "Look, it's just a little harmless boudoir photo." "Please, stop calling it that." "It sounds awful." "Did you ever send Lucinda any of those boudoir shots?" "Lucinda?" "No." "First, you couldn't text photos back then." "Plus, Lucinda, she's a minister, you know?" "Lucinda's a..." "Oh, God." "I just accidently sent it to Lucinda." "What?" "Boudoir photo." "You said "Lucinda," and I accidently typed "Lucinda." Oh, God." "Why do you keep thinking that'll work?" "Yeah." "I..." "She's only four blocks away." "I can beat it." "Get out of my way." "(Breathing heavily)" "I beat it." "Already saw it." "Damn it!" "And you, sir, have held up nicely." "I'm sorry." "Thank you." "Um, but I'm sorry..." "It was just a..." "It was a little boudoir photography for my fiancée." "Yeah, that sounds awful now that I hear it." "Yeah." "Look, long distance is hard." "I remember." "It's the reason you and I broke up." "Yeah, there were bigger issues, but yeah, the long distance didn't help." "Bigger issues?" "Like what?" "Well, there was the fact that you weren't in touch with your feelings." "You'd always come right up to the edge of saying how you really felt, and then you'd just shut down." "Okay, fine, fine." "What about the fact that..." "You know what?" "It's not worth it." "And there it is." "Oh, give me a break, reverend." "I'm not in touch with my feelings?" "When I came to you and said," ""Long distance doesn't work, we need to break up,"" "do you remember what you said?" "You said, "Okay, fine."" "Was there something else you wanted to say?" "Yes, I had a whole speech prepared." "You had a speech?" "Like you wrote something?" "Yes, I wrote something." "Like a speech speech?" "With, like, jokes?" "Jokes?" "No, it wasn't a wedding toast." "It was a breakup speech." "Did you quote Semisonic?" "If I did, it's not in the song that you think it was." "Was it "Closing Time"?" "Can you just delete the photo, please?" "Not till I hear the speech." "Well, that's not gonna happen, so..." "Then I am hanging on to your boudoir photography." "Woman of the cloth holding my junk hostage." "(Knock on door)" "Hey, I'm headed to the bar." "Great." "Me, too." "Um, while you're headed there, can you hand out flyers on the way?" "Um, okay." "Okay." "Hand them out to anyone..." "especially hot girls." "Ow." "Or any kind of girls." "Ugly ones." "Men." ""Note:" "All songs are fictional and do not reflect real crimes" ""and are not admissible in any court of law, especially the one about the ski shop."" "I better not hand these out." "(Rustling nearby)" "April, what are you doing here?" "Uh, I'm not at liberty to say at this time." "(Sighs) Something about my dad's will?" "Whatever." "I don't want to know." "More importantly, do you remember Ivan Owens?" "Of course I remember him..." "He was my first crush." "He had the cutest allergies." "Wait-wait a minute..." "You had a crush on Ivan?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "I was your best friend." "When you like a boy, you tell your best friend, and then she helps you get him through cunning and trickery..." "that's the code." "I was going to, but, um..." "We stopped being best friends." "Kind of." "(Clears throat)" "April?" "Do you want to come to the bar with me?" "Wow." "You-you look great." "This is my lucky night." "Oh, you have no idea." "Oh, look, it's April Cho." "Math team reunion." "You, buddy, have a date tonight with not one but two hotties." "Also, I might have to cut out early." "I'm gonna go get a drink." "(Clears throat)" "So, here we are." "All three of us." "A little weird." "I agree, it's a little weird." "You both said "weird."" "You have so much in common." "So, Chloe, you're an actress now." "Ugh." "Who wants to hear about that?" "Blah, blah, blah." "Glamour, excitement, bored already." "April here composes legal documents, often... in triplicate." "Ivan:" "You know, Chloe, a lot's changed in Granby since you left." "Have you walked down by the water lately?" "It's really pretty at night." "That sounds so romantic." "The three of us should totally do that later." "Although..." "(Yawns)" "I'm getting a little tired." "Do not let that keep you two crazy kids from a moonlight stroll, though, all right?" "Right?" "Right?" "Right?" "I'm gonna go to the restroom." "Okay." "Listen." "I'm engaged to a politician who is currently running for office." "If the press gets a hold of it..." "Just do the speech and I'll delete it." "Come on, you pretty much know what that speech was." "Okay, I'll take a crack at it." "(Clears throat) "Lucinda," ""darling, Webster's defines 'breakup'" ""as something you do when your weak-ass, lame-o girlfriend drops out..." ""of med school to become a minister." ""You can imagine what all my douche-y doctor friends" ""had to say at the yacht club." "It was rather embarrassing."" ""Rather"?" "No, it was hugely embarrassing." "(Laughs) Don't laugh." "What you did was nuts." "You would have been a great doctor." "I mean, you would have been a great internist." "I don't know if surgeon was in your future." "Not everybody's blessed with these babies." "You know what I mean?" "Ow!" "Okay!" "Hey!" "Careful." "(Quietly):" "Sorry." "(Groans) And then, one night, you have this... this religious epiphany, and you threw it all away." "You left me for another man." "A man named God." "I didn't leave you for God." "It's fine, you have your type." "Isn't April great?" "Yes, she's-she's wonderful." "I'm just... surprised that you brought a date to our date." "(Sighs)" "Look, Ivan," "I have to be honest with you." "You and me can't happen." "I'm just not..." "I'm sorry, I got a little lost in your eyes there." "I'm not interested in you." "But April is amazing." "She's just the right girl for you, trust me." "(Chuckles) Hey, well..." "Thanks for being honest." "Of course." "Of course." "Ooh." "I'm gonna go get us some drinks." "Actually, I'm good." "I'll have a pitcher of Granby Ale." "All right." "Why are you behind the bar?" "Well, as an exclusive contract entertainer of the Essonwall Bar," "I am strongly encouraged to volunteer for one eight-hour shift of backup bartending..." "Six days a week." "Jimmy Goodwin, you got a job." "So, who's that guy that April was talking to?" "Remember nerdy little Ivan Owens?" "Wait, that's Ivan Owens?" "Wow, Ivan got hot." "Are he and April dating?" "Hopefully." "I'm trying to set them up." "Wait." "What?" "Why?" "'Cause..." "I did a lot of bad things to April in high school, and it's time I start making up for it." "I think it's a really good idea." "Don't you?" "No!" "It's a terrible idea." "Why?" "Because..." "You obviously want to be with him." "You're wrong." "Come on, Chloe." "You know I'm right." "Well, maybe a little right." "But mostly you're wrong." "Hey, Henry." "Hey." "Did Lucinda see your dirty, perverted picture?" "First of all, it's a fun shot, okay?" "I'm holding a tennis racquet." "And yes, she saw it." "She won't delete it." "It's a long story." "It has to do with our breakup." "I'll never forget that night." "Oh, my God." "What's wrong?" "Lucinda and I broke up." "I just always thought she was the girl I was gonna marry, you know?" "You know what?" "To hell with her." "She's a dummy." "There, I said it." "She's a dumb dummy." "Thanks, Jimmy." "Yeah." "Screw Lucinda." "You could do so much better." "Thanks." "Yeah, I think..." "I think that's partly why I broke up with her." "Wait." "You broke up with her?" "Yeah." "Jimmy, hold him." "What?" "She... was... the..." "love..." "of... your..." "life!" "And she still is!" "Uh-oh." "I got to go." "Okay." "I can't let you go till Chloe says so." "She's not gonna say so." "Well, come on." "Let's go cut some limes." "I don't want to..." "Oh, all right." "Hey!" "Where's Ivan?" "His sinuses were going crazy, so he's in the bathroom neti-potting." "Uh, look, you don't need to do this." "I am not going out with Ivan." "What?" "No!" "What, do you have, like, a boyfriend?" "No." "I..." "Exactly." "So, come here." "Oh, God." "You're lucky I don't have my pepper spray." "Hey, April, you have to let me do this for you." "I need to show you that I don't always put myself first." "That's sweet of you." "Thank you." "Okay, so I'm gonna leave the two of you alone." "Good luck." "Just a little bit more." "Untie, open that up, open it up." "Smile." "Okay, $1,000 made out to the church." "Use it for whatever you want:" "vibrating massage pews, pizza for everyone after the service." "It doesn't matter." "Will that cover it?" "Thank you for your generous support." "Of course." "Deleted." "Thank you." "And look, who remembers what was in that speech anyway?" "It was so long ago." "Whatever was bugging me then, I'm completely over it." "Well, that's good to hear." "Hey, so we're good." "Sure, Henry." "We're good." "Oh, good." "We're not good." "Hey, Chloe." "Hey!" "So how about that April?" "Someone sure has blossomed since math league." "And if x equals the number of buttons you remember being buttoned on her blouse, spoiler alert..." "it's now x minus 2." "Chloe, I'm here to see you." "I know, but April..." "Listen, let me just say this." "I named a star after you." "It's a star that I discovered." "It's not a big deal." "There's a lot of stars, and guys like me discover new ones all the time." "But I just wanted you to know that it's up there." "It's roughly in the vicinity of Orion's Belt." "And it's a blue super giant." "It's called Chloe." "You are kidding me with this." "(April clears throat)" "(Gasps)" "You two should date." "I am just gonna get my purse, and then I will leave you two alone." "April, I'm sorry!" "You are unbelievable." "It took you all of three minutes to go from" ""I want to be a good bestie"" "to letting him make you his asthma inhaler." "Good night." "April!" "Jimmy:" "And good evening, everybody." "Uh, the show's about to begin." "You guys sit down." "Sit down, everyone." "My name is Jimmy Goodwin, and I'm here to entertain you as well as purge some of my demons." "This first song is called" ""My Daddy Has a Sexy Estate Lawyer."" "What?" "♪ My daddy has a lawyer and I see her every day ♪" "♪ she's got the same first name as a month ♪" "♪ that isn't June or May ♪" "♪ when I first spied her in her business suit ♪" "♪ well, I said, "Dang!" ♪" "♪ she's one of two Asian-American girls in Granby ♪" "♪ and it isn't Laura Chang ♪" "♪ although I slept with Laura, too ♪" "♪ about three years ago ♪" "Wait, is he...?" "No!" "Of course not!" "No!" "Are you...?" "No!" "♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes ♪" "♪ we broke society's taboos ♪" "♪ I kissed her with my mouth while my sister took a snooze ♪" "♪ finally we did it on the desk ♪" "♪ but I didn't want Chloe to know ♪" "♪ when Chloe knocked on my door this evening ♪" "♪ she snuck out the window ♪" "Especially hot girls." "Ow." "(Gasps)" "April?" "Uh..." "What are you doing here?" "♪ We've done it at least three times tonight ♪" "♪ it's kind of crazy, I guess ♪" "(Chuckling):" "Is this song about you?" "(Sobbing):" "No!" "No." "♪ If my brother and sister found out ♪" "♪ into a rage they'd slip ♪" "♪ especially my sister ♪" "♪ since April's kind of been giving her a guilt trip ♪" "♪ but April's one to talk, not that her name is April ♪" "♪ okay, her name is April, full name April Cho ♪" "♪ she's a prominent local attorney ♪" "♪ with whom I'm currently sleeping ♪" "♪ here's a list of positions we've tried... ♪" "Stop singing!" "Do you guys want to move on to another bar?" "Okay, you seem upset." "Why don't you write me a prescription?" "All right, well, there are some fast-acting antidepressants that I..." "You broke my heart, Henry." "You did." "It was forever ago, and I forgive you, but you did break my heart." "And, yes, my career path took a sudden left turn, but I wanted us to take that journey together." "Don't you understand that?" "No, I don't understand that." "One minute, we're on the same page about everything, and the next... boom... flashes of light, heavenly chorus, it's like you're..." "you're heading off to a party that I'm not even invited to." "Look, I'm glad that you heard the divine call... it's great... but I didn't hear it." "Whatever it is inside of you that makes you able to feel that," "I didn't get that part, okay?" "I'm lacking in that way." "And no matter how much we love each other, that's always gonna be a problem for us for the rest of our lives." "Unless we do something about it right now." "After New Year's, you're gonna head back to Chicago, and I'm gonna head back to Boston, and we will finally start to live these lives that we're supposed to be living." "Okay?" "We just won't be living them together." "It's closing time, Lu." "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." "That was the speech." "I memorized it." "Well... you were right." "It's a good thing you didn't say that to me." "Because, if you had, I never would have let you go." "And then we'd probably still be together to this day, just driving each other crazy." "We'd be miserable, wouldn't we?" "Completely miserable." "Well, it's a good thing I didn't say it." "Yeah." "Good thing." "All right, fine." "I'll delete the photo for real." "Oh, you son of a bitch." "(Laughs)" "You know what?" "You should keep it." "It's a fun shot." "It's fine." "No, I don't need it." "I understand." "I'm already burned into your memory." "Okay, I can explain." "Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, you don't have to explain anything." "That song was very, very explicit." "You said you don't have a boyfriend." "I don't have a boyfriend." "Jimmy is just some guy that I'm trying really hard not to sleep with..." "unsuccessfully." "Gross." "So what about Ivan?" "He's all beefy and chiseled now." "And, um, I like 'em a little squishy." "Oh, God, I am sleeping with Jimmy Goodwin." "Again, gross." "And he wrote a song about me." "(Laughs)" "He wrote a song about me." "Oh, no, this is a huge mistake." "Okay, it's done." "It's over." "No more." "The ethical issues alone." "I mean, if Henry ever found out..." "Oh, God, Henry cannot find out." "Relax, Henry is not gonna find out." "The only people who heard that song were the people in the bar, and that's only, like, 80% of the town." "Okay." "Um, as far as the whole Ivan thing goes, whatever you decide is okay with me." "I should go." "Hi." "Um, do you remember that thing that we were doing earlier?" "Would you please make out with me again?" "Oh, okay." "Is my perfume gonna bother you?" "No, I, uh..." "I took a very powerful antihistamine, non-drowsy formula." "I finally gave her the speech." "Only 12 years late." "I think it's the thing I needed all this time to truly be over her." "And now..." "I'm over her." "Jimmy:" "Sure are, buddy, for how much you're talking about it." "Yeah, it really sounds like it." "April." "Oh, hi." "I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd say good night." "So, good night!" "Whew." "All:" "Good night." "Oh, look, you can see Orion from here." "What?" "No." "You are so wrong." "You can't see Orion this time of year." "Everybody knows that." "Last time..." "I swear." "So that is not Orion." "That's Ursa Major." "And then there's Cassiopeia." "Oh, the Little Dipper." "Right there's the Little Dipper." "See it?" "Oh, well, I am exhausted." "Hi, Chloe."