"That's Gene Krupa on the drums, folks." "And if you believe that...." "No, that's yours truly on the skins." "Sometimes wish I was Gene Krupa." "l think I was born in a different era." "Robert Crane." "Robert" "Enough!" "This is KNX-CBS, 1 0 70 on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial." "Enough!" "This is KNX-CBS, 1 0 70 on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial." "It is beautiful in Hollywood, they tell me. 72 degrees outside 9:25 on the KNX clock" "Yes, Jack!" "I know!" "I'll get to him." "That's Jackie Chapman, our engineer, knocking." "Jack will be appearing later today at the Ralphs market in the fresh fruit section, if I'm not mistaken." "As regular listeners know, from time to time we have special guests, and today, somebody truly special." "Mr. Clayton Moore, the Lone Ranger, right over here!" "And I've always wanted to do this with you" "Hi-yo, Silver." "Away!" "l never get tired of that." "Do people recognize you when you're out in public?" "No." "No, not really." "Can we get you to expose yourself today on radio?" "Mask off?" "Reveal your identity?" "For you, Bob, sure." "Coming up next, a KNX first." "We've got the Lone Ranger, and he's naked!" "Don't tell Tonto." "No, of course not." "First, a word from our sponsor, Lucky Strike cigarettes." "I always wanted to make an impression." "You know the type." "There's one in every class." "The cutup." "Eddie Cantor once told me likability is 90% of the battle and he was right." "Well, that's me." "I'm a likable guy." "Bob, sit!" "Please?" "I'm emceeing a lunch in an hour." "Humor me." "Those the contracts I need to sign?" "Sit!" "Your ears would've been burning this morning." "I had breakfast with the boys from CBS." "Got something very interesting." "This could be what you're looking for." "What?" "A television series!" "Goodbye, Lenny." "Listen to me." "Stop running, will you?" "I thought you were gonna get me a Jack Lemmon role." "A feature. lt's a critical time for me." "I need something big." "I can be Jack Lemmon." "You are Jack Lemmon." "And Jack Benny." "Then get me a role." "That's what this is!" "Lemmon and Benny combined." "They want you for the lead." "Just promise me you'll keep an open mind." "You ready?" "It's set in a German prison camp." "lt's a drama?" "No!" "That-- lt's a comedy." "Oh, with the funny Nazis." "lt's a POW camp." "With a laugh track?" "Hey." "This is first-class all the way, my friend." "Bing Crosby Productions doing it." "Sounds like it could be a career-killer." "Just read it?" "He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried." "He descended to the dead." "On the third day, he rose again." "He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father." "He will come again to judge the living and the dead." "You need a little bit of this." "There you go, Bobby." "I think it's perfect for me." "I mean this character, Hogan he's quick on his toes, he's hip, he's a con artist." "I think it's what I've been working toward my whole career." "You've been working towards Holocaust comedy?" "Anne!" "What, Bob?" "Not in front of the children." "They look up to me." "They're small." "They look up to everyone." "That's funny. I gotta use that." "Bob, for 1 5 years I've followed you from job to job." "I'm your number one supporter." "I believe in you." "But you expect me to keep quiet when I see you about to do something that could ruin your career?" "No, not me!" "Oh, no!" "Help!" "Help!" "Those are the right words...." "All right, honey." "You're right." "Family comes first." "I guess it's more important than some TV show." "You really like the script?" "It runs circles around the other stuff I've been offered." "I know." "I read it." "You did?" "It's funny." "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" "You'll quit KNX?" "First I'll do both, like we did on Donna Reed, but if it works...." "Well, Donna Reed was part-time." "I just hope I can pull it off." "Hogan's in almost every scene." "You worry." "You always worry, but in the end you succeed." "Easy for you to say." "Hello, Henry." "Now, we're all professionals here." "You've all been working on your characters, each with his own slant." "We have to keep in mind this is a gang comedy." "It's funny to the extent the gang is funny." "Like an athletic team." "A great quarterback without his offensive line ain't gonna complete a pass." "Did you hear about the Greek quarterback who hated to leave his buddies behind?" "I think we get the point." "Let's pick up with Klink and Hogan." "The great disciplinarian knows when to reward and when to punish." "Now, my leniency is a legend, right?" "Wrong." "You've got a reputation to uphold, colonel." "You know that. I mean, you're running the most brutal prison camp in all of Germany!" "Okay." "Let's back up." "Bob, don't try so hard." "You're the hero of the show." "It's named after you." "And heroes don't try and be heroes, they simply are." "Okay?" "Let's do it again." "Same place." "The great disciplinarian knows- -when to reward and when to punish." "Now, my leniency is a legend, right?" "Wrong." "What do you mean?" "You've got a reputation to uphold, colonel." "You are running the most brutal prison camp in all of Germany." "l am?" "ln the world!" "You're ranked third..." "...behind Devil's Island and Alcatraz." "Good." "And you're the toughest Kommandant." "In the last war it was "Kill the Kaiser." Today it's "Kill Klink."" ""Kill Klink." l like that." "Mel Rosen. I do a little radio show out of the Quad Cities." "I've actually heard good things about that." "Coming from you, that's high praise." "You gotta give me a tape for that." "Something to drink?" "A grapefruit juice." "With vodka?" "No, straight." "Last of the straight men." "I'll have another Tom Collins." "Doing a show on the new TV season." "Never pass up one of these junkets." "Well, I'm with you there." "So this new show-- l loved you on Donna Reed, by the way." "It's set in a concentration camp." "A comedy?" "Prisoner of war camp." "Yeah, it's got all your typical comedy elements:" "Gestapo, police dogs." "So I guess if you liked World War ll you're gonna love Hogan's Heroes." "No, let's not" "Actually, I got what I want." "Mel, what--?" "I thought you were a fellow entertainer." "I'm also a Jew." "It's the same thing." "Thank you." "Are one of those for me?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Bob!" "Look what I found." "Hiya." "Hiya." "This TV reviewer, he just-- l don't mean to offend anybody." "Forget it." "Do you see this spread?" "Yeah, I gotta hand it to CBS." "They did it for one reason:" "The affiliates have seen the pilot." "They love it." "You play Hogan, don't you?" "l sure do." "You want an autograph?" "l've got autographs." "Darling, you just stop that." "Mr. Crane is a happily married man." "You wanted to see my room, right?" "It's right this way." "Did you catch the radio show this morning?" "Guess who was on." "Were you listening?" "Johnny Winters." "I swear, he's gotta be the funniest human being ever born." "Honey?" "What's wrong?" "Why do we have shady magazines hidden in our garage?" "Those?" "Those are...." "You know, photography magazines." "Gent?" "Caught?" "I'm a photo nut, Annie, so...." "Nature Girls 1 965?" "They're harmless." "No wonder you never look at me." "Would you stop that?" "Listen, I'm out the door every morning at 5:30. I'm not home until after dark." "You see how hard I'm working?" "Are you seeing another woman?" "Absolutely not." "I want those magazines out of the house." "Yeah, I'll throw them away." "l've seen them before. I just ignored it." "All right, I get the message." "Bad enough I've gotta hide them like some teenager." "Well, what did you have in mind?" "Putting them on the coffee table for our guests to see?" "I apologize." "Maybe we should see Father Donnelly." "No, it's our business." "Family business." "We'll keep it at home." "You're never home. I just thought when you started shooting Hogan's..." "...that this would change things." "lt will, darling." "Trust me. lt will." "Hogan's Heroes premiered September 1 7, 1 965 8:30 on Friday night." "When the Nielsen ratings were released Hogan's, out of 98 prime-time shows, finished number five." "Of the new shows, it was number one." "I've always had an extraordinary amount of luck." "Being in the right place at the right time." "There was some controversy the first few months, but it died away." "Mondays we blocked the show." "Tuesdays we did exteriors." "Wednesdays and Thursdays we did interiors." "Friday we'd have a table reading of the next week's script." "Weekends we called each other and went over everything." "I loved it." "Give me a vacation, and three days later I'm going crazy." "Not another power outage." "No, sir. I'm installing Richard's new high-fidelity unit." "ln his trailer here?" "l can wire anything." "Yeah?" "You got a second?" "Let me show you something." "I designed this myself." "Listen." "Pretty groovy, huh?" "l'm Bob Crane." "John." "John Carpenter." "Well, I've never been much into hi-fi." "Photography's always been my thing." "l'm with you." "If you like photography, you'll love VTRs." ""VTRs"?" "Videotape recorders." "Magnetic coding, like audio tape." "Same principle, only with pictures." "Sony, Ampex, Panasonic, they're all developing VTRs." "Hi, Bob." "Hey, Robert." "So this is like your...?" "I sort of freelance." "I work with Sonycom from Japan helping them introduce helical-scan VTRs." "I sold Dawson the third VTR in the U.S." "Sold one to LBJ, Elvis." "Yeah?" "Showed him how to use it." "Nice cat." "Back in 1 5 minutes, Bob." "Shoot, gotta run." "Nice meeting you." "All right." "Carpenter." ""fbi."" "Full-blooded Indian." "Well, actually, half-blooded." "Here, take my card." "Dawson and I are hooking up over at Salome's later if you want to come and join us." "l actually prom" "You'd like it. lt's a nice joint." "House band." "Strippers." "Well...." "Hey, mate." "How's it coming?" "You're all set up, big daddy." "Eight watts of pumping power." "Hear that?" "I just got the best bloody hi-fi on this lot." "I gotta run." "Salome's." "Colonel!" "How's it hanging?" "Can't complain." "Glad you could make it." "Richard. I brought you a call sheet for tomorrow." "I already got one." "Let me get you something to drink." "l'll have a grapefruit juice." "Come on, Bob, don't be such a prick." "Miss Kitty." "Miss Kitty!" "Let's give her a big Hollywood hand, ladies and gentlemen." "We'll take a break, let the band drain their nozzles so be right back." "Terrific dancer, baby." "I love what you do." "Colonel Hogan?" "Can we help you?" "You want an autograph?" "Yeah, sure, thanks." "Okay." "My name's Nickie D. I'm the drummer here." "You're on that show too, aren't you?" "You play the British guy." "I used to listen to your show every morning back when I had a real job." "Was that really you playing the drums on the radio?" "Sure it was." "You think I was faking?" "You did a lot of kidding." "Not about that." "You want to sit in?" "As a special treat, sitting in on drums Colonel Robert Hogan from the hit TV series Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane!" "Come on, let's hear it!" "Kommandant, bring out the little strudel." "What do you say?" "Come on!" "Angela, from Lubbock!" "Thanks for meeting me like this, Father." "It must seem unusual." "Not at all." "We haven't seen you in a while." "I'm sorry. I'll be at Mass tomorrow with Anne and the kids." "This TV show, you wouldn't believe the hours." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "Everybody's life has its unique demands. I'm glad you called." "Thank you." "So, what's on your mind?" "Just the show, you know." "We work late." "When you get off, you're all sort of jazzed up." "So I've been playing my drums, you know, just to sort of wind down." "I've been playing at various, you know strip clubs." "Joints." "Would you be more comfortable in the confessional?" "Just wanted to talk." "Of course." "Of course." "So does Anne know?" "About the clubs?" "No." "No, but I think it's obvious I've been... I can't believe it!" "Mr. Crane, I am such a fan." "l just wondered, could l--?" "A picture together?" "You bet." "And your name is?" "Oh, I forgot." "You forgot your name?" "Not that." "Julie." "Julie, all right." "Right over here. "Schmile."" "There you go." "Thank you." "Okay." "Thank you." "Sorry about that, Father." "Where were we?" "You and Anne." "It's not easy to resist temptation." "One has to remove oneself from the occasion of sin." "You can't keep" "Listen. I know several musicians." "We play from time to time." "I'm no Bill Evans, but I can keep up on keyboard." "Maybe we should play together sometime." "After work." "Thank you." "Yeah, that's.... lt's a good idea." "l love what you do." "Thank you." "Bob?" "Bob." "That was great." "You don't remember, do you?" "I'll give you a hint." "Carpenter." "John Carpenter." "Right." "How are they hanging?" "Pretty tight, my man." "I've been looking for you." "This is John Carpenter." "He's like the James Bond of video nuts." "Anybody wants the new stuff, they gotta talk to him." "This is Elaine." "What a pretty name." "Thank you." "And Emily." "Pleasure." "So, what's happening?" "Where's the action tonight?" "We were talking about grabbing a bite to eat over at Arthur J's." "No, no, no, let's go to my pad." "You wouldn't believe this new equipment they sent me. lt'll blow your mind." "Light hits this layer and stores a charged density pattern on it which is scanned with an electron beam." "So the resulting signal is sent by cable to where it's recorded on tape." "The helical-scan method of the VTR issues proper magnetic coding so picture quality is always secure." "l've never seen anything like this." "Of course not." "That's the point. lt's a prototype." "That stereo over there." "Yeah?" "Does it play music?" "Of course." "Tonight?" "Of course." "Do you got any jazz?" "Name it." "You got Procol Harum?" "l got Four Tops." "Close enough." "Bob?" "You wanna freshen the girls' drinks?" "Bob." "Which one do you want?" "What do you mean?" "These girls are ready to get it on." "And you're the man, so I figure you get first choice." "I don't really care." "If it's all the same to you, I'll hit on the blond." "Copacetic?" "Copacetic." "They're beautiful, right?" "I'm gonna-- l'll have another hit of that vodka." "Can I get you another drink?" "l'm not done with this one yet." "John tells me you used to be a Bunny." "Can you do the Bunny Dip?" "Can I do the Bunny Dip?" "Watch this." "What's the matter?" "Don't you like me?" "No, it's not that." "I'm married." "So am I." "And I'm a one-woman man." "Hogan, you crack me up." "No, it's" "Well, I'm not Colonel Klink or that other dummkopf." "What's his name?" "The fat one." "You can't pull that crap on me." "What's this?" "A prop, I suppose." "What do you want?" "Colonel Hogan, I want you to nail me to the fucking wall." "Whatever you want." "Anything." "Can we leave the lights on?" "Danke for the stockings, colonel." "Don't tell anybody there's a war on." "Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan to see you." "The second season, Cynthia Lynn, who played Helga was replaced by Patti Olsen, screen name Sigrid Valdis." "The character's name was Hilda." "Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan to see you." "Kommandant, you wanted to see me?" "Yes, Hogan, I have a very serious matter to discuss with you." "I know everything that happened last night." "You do?" "You don't fool me for one moment." "Well, I know that, sir." "Cigar?" "Hogan!" "Cut!" "Terrific." "All right, let's move on." "That was very nice." "Made me laugh." "Jeff, what do you think?" "Let's swing around and do the other side?" "Nervous?" "That was great." "l feel like a bad actress." "Oh, my gosh, it was so good." "Really." "Thanks." "Everyone's so nice." "It's like a family." "Yeah, well, it depends what kind of family you come from." "Okay, come on, come on." "Okay, you guys, you guys!" "Okay, go." "All right." "Okay." "Cheese!" "Completing the second season, Hogan's was rated 1 7 th by the Nielsens." "I'm Bob Crane's manager, and we're having a little party later and I was wondering if you ladies would like to come." "A party with Bob Crane?" "We'd love to." "You know who I'm talking about." "It's Klink's secretary." "Helga?" "No, it's Hilda." "She's got real beauty." "Tighten up your pants?" "Yeah, but she's special, you know?" "They all are." "She's real." "Not uptight." "You know what I mean?" "Here they are, Big Daddy." "Quick, what are their names again?" "Jill and Judy." "Jill and Judy." "Chicks these days, it's like they throw out all the rules." "I might be in love." "Which is which?" "Jill's the blond, Judy's the other one." "I'm going for the blond." "Bob, I had her all set up." "l'm going for the blond." "Bob, I've been working on her." "Brunette's not my type." "I'm sure you'll make do." "Come on." "Okay." "Ladies!" "Hey, how are you?" "Hi." "Jill, right?" "Jill, yeah." "Jill, John." "Bob Crane." "Judy?" "Yeah, Judy." "Nice to meet you." "Welcome." "So this is the party?" "Colonel, apparently some of the new recruits are complaining about the barracks again." "Hogan!" "He does that just right." "Yeah!" "You are so photogenic." "That's great!" "That's great!" "I love that thing you do." "Hold on, hold on. I gotta get that." "Take it off!" "Take it off!" "Fabulous." "Set those puppies free." "That's great." "Go, Jill!" "Carpy, more film!" "That's fabulous." "That's fabulous." "Really." "I didn't even know this thing was on." "I didn't want to freak you." "Give you" "What, performance anxiety." "l do my best work in front of a camera." "l do mine behind." "This is fabulous." "Where have you been all my life?" "You do this for Dawson?" "You don't like him, do you?" "He tried for the lead, it went to me, so he snips at me." "Little Brit fag cracks." ""Trouble with your lines, love?"" "You know, always trying to undercut me." "Jesus, look at her go." "You're gonna have to choose, Carp." "lt's him or it's me." "Look, Bob." "She's giving you head." "We're gonna have to burn this tape." "How much did you say one of these things costs?" "Flowers 3 times a week is one thing, but isn't this extravagant?" "Wait till you see it." "How does it work?" "You gotta see this thing." "Carpy." "It doesn't bite." "Just don't touch these wires right here." "Okay." "Carpy says, "Don't touch."" "Well, what will we do with it?" "Home movies." "Smile!" "Come on, give me a smile." "Everybody give me a wave." "l wanna get this side also." "Thank you." "No, please." "Bob!" "Come on, I'm washing the dishes." "l don't wanna be photographed." "Look at that dress. I love that, honey." "All right, give me one more shot." "Here we go." "One, two, big dance!" "Look at that." "This is amazing." "You just shot this today." "Yeah, it's not like film." "With video, there's no film processing." "We are light years ahead of everybody." "Look at that." "It's like the Polaroid of home movies." "Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan to see you." "Well, he did beat out a million other sperm." "Think about that." "Guess it's kind of hard to fathom." "Yeah." "You're so easy to talk to." "lt's because I speak English, Sigrid." "Call me Patricia." "Patricia." "Sigrid is my stage name." "To you, I'm Patricia." "And what brought you back to L.A.?" "The usual things: a broken marriage." "Cheers to that." "Tired of being a housewife, you know?" "So you came back here where you can play one instead?" "Something like that." "What about you, Hogan?" "What are your dreams?" "Besides drumming with Buddy Rich?" "I dream about finding somebody who gets me who I am." "We're in the show together." "We have to keep up the appearance of respectability." "I can be very respectable." "You're not really hungry, are you?" "I'm gonna get the check." "Yeah." "We're a Christian publication, Mr. Crane." "Please. it's Bob." "So this is a little outside our normal terrain." "We usually don't do Hollywood interviews, what with the divorces and whatnot." "Sure." "That's why we're interested in you." "You've been married to your high-school sweetheart for 1 6 years." "Fifteen, actually." "Fifteen years." "How do you do it?" "What's your secret?" "Three words:" "Don't...make...waves." "As every sailor knows, when one set of waves meets another set of waves it can set up some chop." "And when three sets of waves come together, it can make for some mighty rough sailing." "It also helps sometimes to have a harmless safety valve." "Because when I get tense, I blow off steam." "And so when it comes to my own family I don't make waves." "That's inspirational." "You're a fortunate man." "Yes." "Yes, I am." "You want me to run lines with you?" "No, I got it." "is there anything you want to talk about?" "About what?" "Neither of us has said anything, but we both know." "Know what?" "We never spend any time alone." "What do you call this?" "Tense." "Distant." "Oh, you're being ridiculous." "Come on." "I didn't mean that. I just think you're overreacting a little bit." "It's been a while since we've done anything." "Or has work sapped all your energy?" "My goodness, she was built." "Mindy." "Mandy." "Mandy!" "We should name a ride after her." "Loop-de-Loop." "Tilt-A-Whirl." "Watching these home movies gets me so damn hot." "They're videos, Bob." "Videos." "l got a hard-on the size of Florida." "What was that?" "What?" "Rewind the tape." "Just rewind it." "Okay." "Okay, just play it from there." "Play it right there." "What's that on my ass?" "What?" "Freeze it." "Can you do that?" "Not for long." "The image becomes unstable." "Freeze it right there!" "What the hell is that on my ass?" "That is my hand." "Rubbing my ass?" "So what?" "Your fingers are up my cheeks." "What you doing in there?" "It's an orgy, Bob." "So you can just touch my ass?" "I thought you liked it." "l thought it was her!" "God!" "What's the difference?" "The difference?" "You got your fingers up my asshole!" "Sorry." "Fuck you very much." "Bob, I said I'm sorry." "It's a group grope!" "You got your fingers up around my ass!" "We were just having fun." "You know what?" "You're a perv." "What?" "You're a fucking pervert." "is that clear enough?" "A feygele." "Does that make sense?" "Bob, I'm sorry." "You know what?" "Hey!" "I'll see you next time, Carpy." "Never!" "Well, now, I guess, is as good a time as any." "Thank you all for coming." "Since the introduction of the CV 2000, we've been working toward the development of a color videotape recorder." "Mr. Carpenter, our Los Angeles representative has a demonstration." "This system will demonstrate what lies in store." "John, get the lights, please?" "I knew it was in color, but just one?" "John, lights." "We are experiencing a little technical problem." "If you'd excuse us just a second." "There's hot coffee and fresh Danish next door." "It'll only be a few minutes, I promise." "Thank you." "Thanks." "What's happened?" "I don't know. I set everything according to specs." "Well, fix it." "Looks fine to me." "It's green." "It's fucking green!" "You really can't tell, can you?" "You're fucking colorblind." "l'll fix it." "Goddamn you!" "I've got execs from Tokyo, every network, and you pull a stunt like this?" "John, leave." "l'm fired?" "Yeah." "Get out." "You can't do that." "It's done." "I've got the contacts." "Who do you think got you the celebrities?" "I sold Vidicons to Tommy Smothers, Dick Martin, Bob Crane." "I sold a VTR to Elvis!" "Do I need to call security?" "One, two, three!" "I didn't think she was gonna get that last one." "Oh, what a beautiful cake!" "is it supposed to do that?" "It's broken." "Six months?" "Can you refer me to somebody?" "Right." "All right." "Well, thank you." "John, it's Bob." "Yeah, I'm fine." "Yeah, how are you?" "Oh, that's funny." "Well, the problem is, we've had a little trouble with the VTR over here, and-- l know." "No, I know you're busy." "Of course." "I completely understand." "I thought maybe if you could you know, squeeze us in." "You work on this?" "Well, I.... lt's the video head drum." "You can't fix it with Scotch tape, you know." "is it serious?" "No, I should be able to put another one in there pretty quick as long as nothing else is fucked up." "I really appreciate you coming over." "I tell anybody who asks:" ""You need video equipment, you see John Carpenter."" "Dad!" "l'll be right there, honey!" "Bob?" "I'm real sorry about what went down at my place." "You're not still mad?" "l appreciate you coming over." "Bob!" "I'm not a fag." "About Dawson I told him I was getting too busy to see him much." "You did?" "How'd he take it?" "What choice did he have?" "You're my number one man, Bob!" "Copacetic?" "Copacetic." "Good." "Because, if you're into it, one of my clients is having a party up in the hills on Friday." "Lots of ladies." "A hippie thing." "Could be fun." "Come on!" "Come on in." "Wow." "That's fun." "Yes." "Yeah!" "How's your show?" "Show's going really, real well." "Excuse me." "Man, I loved your radio show." "Yeah?" "It was so cool, you know, for its time." "l used to listen every morning." "Thank you." "Can I get an autograph?" "Sure." "Will you sign me right here?" "Thanks, Colonel Hogan." "Chinese, they'll just march right in." "You know what I'm saying?" "Give peace a chance." "What are you gonna do about it?" "Relax." "John!" "Whatever." "We're guests." "I fought for my country." "Look at the jugs on her." "Carp?" "Get a load of this." "No, no, that's good. I like that." "Here we go." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Want to try one of those "schmile" pictures we talked about?" "Okay." "Why not, huh?" "We'll just-- There we go." "And all set?" "Ready." "Schmile!" "Schmile!" "Really great." "I'm a normal, red-blooded American man." "I like to look at naked women." "I love breasts." "Any kind." "I love them." "Boobs, bazooms, balloons, bags, bazongas." "The bigger, the better." "Nipples like udders, nipples like saucers." "Big pale, rosy-brown nipples." "Little bitty baby nipples." "Real or fake, what's the difference?" "I like tits." "Who's kidding who?" "Tits are great." "There you are." "Thank you." "Well, I just" "So you" " You actually went to Las Vegas with the...." "You can't even say his name?" "Well...." "Come on. I told you I was going." "Sure, but I didn't think you were really gonna do it." "Bob, honey, you're already married." "She doesn't understand this life." "She'd rather be back in Connecticut." "She's not a Hollywood person, you know?" "She's so good." "She's like a" "A saint?" "Come on, don't let her do that to you." "You are a good man." "What about the press?" "The public reaction." "We've got nothing to be ashamed of." "You know, Ed actually suggested we get married on the set." "CBS would love it." "Publicity." "Hey, remember what you said to me the first time we had dinner together?" "Yeah, that I was fluent in English." "You said you wanted to find a woman who understands you." "I do. I do." "You know, I have to let you in on a little secret, baby." "The other women?" "I know all about them." "You're okay with that?" "We only go around once in this life." "I never want to lie about who I am and I never want you to lie about who you are." "You're not gonna change." "I know who you are and I love you!" "And I love fucking you!" "We can have any kind of marriage we want." "You know, it can be such a drag." "I mean, chatting up broads." "You know me." "I'm a gentleman, I don't push." "But you gotta draw her out, get her to talk about herself listen to her, act like you give a shit to get her clothes off." "And then, not even that." "That's life with the ladies." "Bobby comes in with that crooked smile and gets a strike on the frigging line every time." "Well, Bob's gotta be careful." "What do you mean?" "I warned him." "He shows me his car full of nudie pictures of him getting sucked off." "I said, "Bob, you're a big star." "What happens if you get pulled over by the cops?"" "He'd hit on the Virgin Mary with Jesus standing right there if he could." "Richard, you are so bad." "Hey, what's with this new Sony color system?" "I'm not with Sony anymore." "l switched to Akai." "Really?" "Bob is just coming through the gate!" "lt's about time." "l better go." "Listen." "You don't need him." "No, I better run." "I put that stuff you wanted in your trailer. lf you have any questions, call." "Hey, man." "Good morning, Bob." "Morning." "Clary." "Herr Hogan." "Had a late night, did we, Bob?" "Armand, you do your job and I'll do mine." "Stand aside!" "Magician at work." "Take four." "And, action!" "I'm serious about this, Hogan." "Well, colonel, it's not really my responsibility, now, is it?" "Hogan, I'm counting on you." "Well, I'll see what LeBeau can do." "What did you say?" "Hogan, what's bothering you?" "It would appear Colonel Hogan is daydreaming again." "What is this?" "You will tell us everything, Hogan or we have ways of making you talk." "What's...?" "What's going on?" "You will tell us now." "Well, I don't know what to do." "Patti wants to get married, but I can't do that to Anne." "l'd never forgive myself." "Himmler was in a similar situation." "What did he do?" "He sent the wife..." "...and the mistress to Dachau." "Tell me more." "All I think about all day long is sex." "Having sex." "Filming sex." "Watching sex." "Hogan, that's all any of us really think about." "Nobody else has their own video specialist." "Video specialist?" "Yeah, only mine's a fruit, or a half-fruit, whatever it's called." "You must send him to the Russian front!" "No!" "No, I can't replace him." "Sex thing, Patti thing, the fruit thing...." "I don't recognize my own life anymore." "I'm ready for you, Hogan." "What?" "lt'll be a modern marriage." "Klink and Schultzie can join in too." "Come on, Hogan." "Fuck me right here." "The lighting's perfect!" "Go for it, Big Daddy." "I've got you covered." "Bob?" "What do you say?" "Go ahead." "Fuck her, Bob." "Go balls-deep, Pop." "No, I can't." "Klink, tell me what to do." "What's the answer?" "The answer?" "We don't have answers." "We're Nazis." "Dismissed!" "Dismissed, Hogan." "Dismissed, Hogan!" "Hogan?" "Bob!" "Are you with us?" "You look like you drifted off there." "Yeah." "Sorry." "Where were we?" "Anne?" "Oh." "Hey." "What a day!" "I was cleaning up today and I went into your darkroom." "Yeah, why'd you do that?" "I saw them." "Photography studies." "There was picture after picture." "You know I sometimes play the drums at the clubs." "How many women are there?" "We need counseling...." "How many?" "Anne, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "I'm-- Anne." "Anne, Anne, I'm sorry." "Do you think the children would be proud of you?" "I'm sorry." "I pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Robert Crane." "Hogan's Heroes left the airwaves on July 4th, 1 97 1 after six seasons and 1 86 shows." "I was determined to do right by Anne." "In the settlement, she got the house, the car and custody of the children." "Patti's pregnant." "I need work." "Sid!" "How are you, my friend?" "What kind of roles you want me to be looking for?" "Anything." "I got a Westwood mortgage, alimony, child support." "l got a baby on the way." "She got pregnant?" "l thought you said you had the...." "Vasectomy." "It leaks." "It leaks?" "I need work." "I don't understand." "You were on Hogan's for six years the thing was a hit." "You didn't save any money?" "This is not a good time for film roles." "Bobby Darin!" "Yeah?" "Bobby Darin gets film roles." "Well, he's married to Sandra Dee." "You'd have to audition." "Whatever it takes." "I just want to leave Hogan and the leather jacket behind me for once and for all, you know?" "According to The Washington Post, while still in office as attorney general John Mitchell had personally controlled a secret Republican fund." "Mitchell vehemently denied any such involvement and called the story ludicrous." "Vice President Agnew...." "Bob, you are not a failure." "This mortgage is eating me alive." "I'm drowning in debt." "You know, I've never gone this long, ever, I mean, without work before." "I'll get that." "Hello." "Yeah." "Yeah, no, I just got held up." "Great." "It's John, isn't it?" "You said we were gonna spend tonight together." "I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I just gotta get out." "Okay?" "This thinking and dwelling on my problems, it's driving me crazy." "lt's lonely in this house without you." "l know." "Listen." "Tomorrow night." "Tomorrow night, you and I, us." "Promise?" "Promise?" "Promise!" "Bad boy!" "Get out!" "You know what time it is?" "It's fuck time." "Let's hear it for the inimitable Miss Kitty!" "Now totally nude, yeah." "And once again, our old friend Colonel Hogan." "Robert Crane." "Thanks again, Bob." "We're gonna take a little pause for the cause." "Back in 1 0." "Well, I was in radio for 1 5 years." "Six years in Bridgeport, Connecticut." "Nine here in Los Angeles." "Six years on Hogan's." "Wow." "That's 20 years of solid work." "Rotten to be out of work." "You've been bad." "Yes, I have." "I know what to do with boys like you." "Stripping is a part-time thing for me." "Mostly, I'm a dominatrix." "Here, I'm Melissa." "But my real self is Mistress Victoria." "You, you" "You will respect Mistress Victoria." "You joking?" "You tell me." "It's hard to explain, Carp." "You ever been on a roller coaster?" "You know that feeling you get when you take that first...." "You know, that plunge?" "Yeah, sure." "Well, imagine getting off while you're zooming straight down and your heart is going, you know, thump." "Thump, thump. lt's...." "That's what it's like." "There's no way to compare it." "Wow." "It's dead air." "What?" "Dead air." "It's the one thing every disc jockey knows:" "Don't get stuck with dead air." "That's what I've got." "I've worked and I've worked and I got dead air." "I hate it." "Dinner theater." "You're kidding." "Why?" "You've done summer theater." "That was summer theater!" "That was to keep busy, not something to do during prime time." "Dick Van Dyke does dinner theater." "And Jim Nabors" "Maybe I need a new agent." "Maybe you're the problem." "All right." "Here's the phone." "Who do you want to call?" "I've got all the numbers." "Len, that's not what I meant." "I'm not the one coming here saying he's going crazy without work." "I'm trying to help you." "Just keep trying." "Something's gotta turn up." "What the hell is that?" "Sounds like fire engines." "Well, I know that." "Oh, look, they're right on our street!" "My God!" "The building's on fire!" "And look at all the police cars and photographers!" "Photographers?" "It's okay." "Photographers?" "Oh, look, and there's the mayor too." "ls my wife down there?" "What does she look like?" "I can't remember." "The play was called Beginner's Luck, a sophisticated sex comedy." "We played dinner theaters around the country." "Patti and I performed together, but it became clear that for Scotty's sake, she should stay in Los Angeles." "Scotty!" "Hey, hey, hey." "Wait." "Hey, hey, hey!" "I got you." "Sure everything's gonna be all right?" "New actress comes in this afternoon." "She knows the role." "We got four days." "All right with you." "You seem so tense lately." "I'm carrying the whole production. I'm directing, booking, working the crowd." "You'll be home in three weeks, right?" "Unless they boo us off." "They love you, Bob!" "Honey?" "Oh, I'm sorry, baby." "What are you doing?" "Come here." "Come on." "Everybody loves you, Bob." "Pacific Southwest Airlines flight 28 7 is now arriving at gate 35 from Los Angeles." "Hey!" "Big Daddy." "Voila!" "What is that?" "Videocassette. lt's brand-new." "It has the reel-to-reel inside the casing." "My God." "Any trouble with the luggage?" "We're gonna need a sky cart." "That's just the thing." "With women, if they have a good sound" "They love it." "Patti loves it." "You know, we need a tape." "A music tape." "Like a recording or something." "Yeah, yeah." "To get the chicks in the mood." "That's a fabulous idea." "It's a fabulous idea." "It's a fabulous idea." "We have so much fun here." "We just love Columbus audiences." "We like after the show to take a couple questions from the audience." "So let's start here." "You St. Louis audiences are fantastic. I'd be happy to sign some autographs after the show." "I ask one thing:" "Don't throw them out while I'm still present." "What do y'all do for fun in Dallas?" "I hear the place to be on a Thursday night is a club called Lucky's." "So I guess that's where you'll find me and some of the crew tonight." "If you're looking for company." "Over here!" "Over here!" "You all right?" "Yeah." "Hey, Bob!" "Bob!" "Yeah?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Carpy?" "Sleeping Beauty." "Carpy?" "Sleeping Beauty." "Where you been?" "While you were catching Z's, I, your loyal musketeer was out at the porn theater shooting a copy of Deep Throat off the screen." "You can do that?" "l had to use your name." "I picked up some swing magazines." "This is a big town for swinging." "We should just do it." "What?" "Just make a big-budget sex film." "You know?" "Get some big star, like...." "Stella Stevens." "She'd never do it." "Oh, hell yeah." "Yeah, Carp." "Oh, yeah." "If you pay her enough." "She's an actress!" "Wow." "You could charge, like, 1 0 bucks for something like that." "Hey." "Look at this." "Look at my dick." "Look at my dick." "l've seen your dick before." "Look closer." "l don't want to look closer." "Look, damn it!" "See anything different?" "What am I supposed to say, it's bigger?" "is it?" "Wow." "You did it, didn't you?" "Last time I was in L.A. A "penile enhancement."" "Wow!" "It's thicker!" "How much did it cost?" "If you're gonna be in the movies, gotta do what you gotta do." "Hey, a day without sex...." "ls a day wasted." "Bob Crane." "Hey, Lenny." "You're kidding me." "Run it by me again?" "That" " No, no, no, no, that's" "That's great." "Disney's offering me a movie." "Superdad." "No, no, no, no." "Just tell them I got some commitments." "Don't blow this, Lenny." "Don't blow it. I want this job." "I need this job, okay?" "No, it's fabulous!" "Yeah." "I'll call you later." "Yeah." "Guess who's playing Superdad?" "Me." "So much for our big plans." "Don't give me that look." "This is good for both of us." "Oh, is it?" "Yeah. I'm back in play again." "The big time." "Sweets." "How are you?" "l'm fine." "Schmile." "Let's pull it around." "Easy." "Lenny!" "Hey." "You came by." "It's 20 minutes." "They're turning around the lights." "You want to go in my trailer?" "I got a call from Disney." "Apparently some joker from the Enquirer took pictures of you in a topless bar." "Bob, this is Disney." "Don't fucking blow this." "I'm a family man." "One woman man." "Always have been." "What about the photo albums?" "Those pictures you show people." "You know, not everyone thinks about things the way you do." "Turns people off." "And word gets around, believe me." "Who'd I show them to?" "You show them to everybody." "Don't be a square." "is it true you showed them to Donna Reed and she ran out?" "I may be horny, but I'm not stupid." "There could be a very serious conflict here between your lifestyle and your career." "You don't see this?" "I'm normal." "Sex is not the answer." "I know that, Lenny, it's the question." ""Yes" is the answer." "I'm just saying." "Just try to be a little discreet." "All right?" "Come in for a minute." "l gotta get back to the office." "Well, call me!" "This is it." "Here we are." "Batman and Robin." "Lone Ranger and Tonto." "Hi-yo, Silver." "Away!" "Come on in, guys." "Join the party!" "Hey, what's going on?" "Janet!" "Janet!" "What's coming off?" "What's going down?" "All your life you're the lucky guy." "The funny guy." "Then one day it all turns." "The jokes aren't funny, the phone doesn't ring." "You're the same, but nothing else is." "Superdad sat on the shelf for a year then flopped." "I had to beg Disney for a cameo in another film Gus, about a donkey who kicked field goals." "What do they want from me?" "I don't drink." "I don't smoke." "Two out of three ain't bad." "Honey?" "Gotta go back on the road." "Bob, you're never home anymore." "You think dinner theater makes me happy?" "How do you think I feel having to do dinner theater to pay the bills?" "Gee, I wouldn't know." "I'm just a housewife." "Well, maybe you need a new hobby." "You thought about that?" "Maybe I need a new husband." "Hey, everything I do is for you and Scotty." "Come on." "The house, the furniture, the Caddy that you drive." "I just want someone here." "You're never home anymore." "And when you are, you're downstairs editing your videos!" "You want me to cancel my next engagement?" "Just cancel it?" "I can't. lt's a contract!" "Marriage is a contract." "Maybe we should just cancel that too." "I booked Wichita." "Is that thing on?" "Oh, yeah." "Want me to turn it off?" "Happy now?" "Yeah." "Bob?" "Bob?" "Hey, Big Daddy!" "Carpy." "You want a drink?" "Look what I got you. lt's a timer." "Now we can put on the recorder whenever we want..." "...tape shows right off the TV." "That's fantastic." "Like if you want to watch Johnny Carson at 1 1 :30 and we're out hunting chicks, we set the timer." "Boom." "We watch it in the morning." "I'm gonna need a minute to wrap my mind around that idea." "Pretty groovy, huh?" "Yeah." "You okay?" "You look kind of blue." "Just Patti and I having some problems." "Had to cancel the Wichita gig." "I thought you had an arrangement with her." "You know how women are." "Yeah." "You got the right idea, really." "Live separately." "I'd miss her and Scotty too much." "This is making me hot." "What's her name again?" "l'm not sure." "Could look it up in my records." "I've got all this stuff." "The bush on her." "Wouldn't go near that without a flashlight." "I did." "What is it about women, Carpy?" "They tell you one thing then they get you and they change their minds. it's...." "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." "You know, truer words were never spoken." "Can't live with 'em...." "Can't kill 'em." "I think this is Seattle." "No." "Dallas." "Look at the decor." "The Western picture." "Tits on her." "Yeah." "My God, the building's on fire!" "Look at all those police cars and photographers!" "Photographers?" "Oh, my God, the mayor's there too!" "Do you see my wife out there?" "What does she look like?" "I don't remember!" "Carpy?" "Yeah?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, it's great up here." "Last night?" "Zilch." "But there's actually a story there." "A society babe." "I did her friend." "She was all hot to go and then she got the heebie-jeebies." "When are you coming out?" "Excuse me." "Mind switching that to channel nine?" "I want to check something out." "That's the guy from that TV show." "Look, there he is-- l'm going to talk to him." "Watch." "Hi." "Hi." "I'm sorry to bother you." "I was sitting over there and I noticed the TV and l-- Well, is that you?" "On the TV, is that...?" "Oh, my gosh!" "That is embarrassing. I didn't even know it was on. I'm Bob Crane." "I know. I thought so." "Bob Crane." "Gosh, it's nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you too...." "Susan." "Susan." "All right." "l loved your TV show." "I appreciate that. I'm just in town here to do a little bit of theater." "l just wanted to say hi." "Sure." "Can I get you something?" "Another drink?" "An autograph?" "A nude swim?" "Bob!" "You know, I'm a real photo nut." "How long are you girls in town?" "Carp." "Look at this." "You want a club sandwich?" "This editing hookup's fantastic. I can even cut together cartoons for Scotty." "No, I'm not hungry." "Watch this." "Here's Bobby!" "On The Morning Show with us today, Bob Crane." "Hey." "You made this?" "Yeah, with your equipment!" "It's like the old stuff we used to do back in radio." "Know how sometimes you put a flub in the show?" "Audiences crack up." "It's so funny." "The girls, sometimes they're uncomfortable with the video." "Now we show them an edit, get them laughing and boom!" "They love sex." "They're just looking for an excuse." "You want something to drink?" "Women should have a letter from the pope, says, "lf l sleep with you my boyfriend won't come after you." Know what I mean?" "l talked to Nick Murphy in Houston." "Yeah, how'd that go?" "We're all set for Monday night with the swinging thing." "You know, it's strange." "Dallas is a great town for babes." "But for swinging, nothing." "You know what's a great city for dominance?" "Atlanta." "Don't ask me why." "I made this for you." "That's good." "Simply scrumptious!" "It's not very nice to try and trick Mother Nature." "That's not funny, Bob." "Carp, come on!" "Don't tell me funny. I know funny..." "...and that's funny!" "No, it's not." "It's fucking Laugh-In!" "That's Rowan and Martin." "After all I've done for you." "What do you mean?" "The equipment, coming when you called running errands, setting up the swinging parties" "Do you hear yourself?" "What are you--?" "All you've done for me?" "What are you talking about?" "How the fuck do you think you get these broads?" "You think you show up and say, "Hey, I'm John Carpenter." "Fuck me."" "They're with you because of me." "They don't want you, they want Bob Crane." "So if you don't mind, please lay off the "all I've done for you" speech." "Mr." "Crane?" "Oh, yeah!" "Hey, Mr. Crane!" "Do you want an autograph?" "You've been served." "Welcome to Celebrity Cooks." "My name is Bruno Gerussi." "Today we'll be cooking with Colonel Hogan himself, Mr. Bob Crane!" "Thanks, Bruno." "It's a pleasure to be here." "Wonderful to see you." "Now, what has Hogan been up to?" "Pretty much the same old thing." "Still trying to pull the wool over Klink's eyes." "And trying to get into Hilda's pants." "Actually, I did get into her pants, I married her." "But...." "Now she's divorcing me, so that's not worked out." "But I will be next month in Long Beach performing a show called Beginner's Luck." "Wonderful!" "So, Bob, what recipe have you brought us today?" "It is a pasta dish." "With chicken and fettuccine, they tell me." "I don't" " That's what they told me to say, anyway." "Sounds delicious." "You got a balloon-smuggler here in the audience today." "You got a license to carry those things?" "Little tip on how to remove the wrinkles from your face:" "Take off your bra." "Calm down." "Boo!" "Calm down." "They'll cut all this stuff out." "They edit it and they take all this stuff out." "Nice enough girl till she figured out the fuzzy thing she's sitting on..." "...could make her some money." "You all right?" "I'm fine. lt's actually called a Chicken Fettuccine a la Crane, is my dish." "We can take a break if you want." "No, I'm fine." "I'm a complete professional. I just can't get over the size of those knockers." "Look, here come the ingredients now." "Yes!" "Wonderful." "The noodles!" "Bob." "You surprised me." "Come in." "Close the door, will you?" "Sit." "You need anything?" "Sit." "So, what's on your mind?" "Just passing through." "Some things never change." "How's the theater?" "Our-- The boys are helping you, right?" "l got eight months lined up, thank you." "That's a nice little moneymaker." "You should know." "How's the family?" "The kids all right?" "Patti and I broke up." "Yeah, I heard." "She hates me." "And she threw stuff at me." "Ashtrays, a videocassette." "She cut my lip here. I had to have stitches." "I was wondering if you'd set some meetings up." "Get in circulation." "A game show." "Do you remember the reaction I got on Password?" "I know Password is, you know, not on the air anymore but maybe Hollywood Squares." "You know?" "Something just to get into the public's eye." "Don't look like that." "Hey!" "I'm not talking about Paul Lynde's square." "Any square is fine." "We've talked about this." "The image problem." "If I sent you out again, I'd have to be able to tell people you're a new man." "Well, tell them sex is normal." "It's good for you. I'm normal." "People got these hang-ups." "Do you know that there's actually people out there who avoid me now?" "This is a nice one." "I'm the friendly guy." "I'm the mediator." "My brother and father...." "Goddamn, they hated each other." "You know?" "l'm the good son." "Hey, I'm not a counselor." "I'm feeling very awkward being put in this situation." "There's one thing I know." "Bob, people don't change unless they want to." "I want to." "A drunk can't get sober and hang around his old drinking buddies." "It doesn't work that way, kid." "Excuse me." "Yeah." "Your 4:00 is here." "Tell him to wait." "You got meetings." "No!" "No hurry." "Sit down." "I gotta go anyway." "Come here." "I want you to know something." "I'm here for you, and I want to help you." "You understand?" "Yes. I'll call you." "Good luck, kid." "Beginner's luck, right?" "Bobby!" "Dad?" "How you doing?" "What's up?" "Hello, Mr. Crane." "I'll be inside." "Wow, she's built." "How you doing?" "Pretty good." "What's up?" "What have you been up to?" "Nothing much." "Yeah?" "Patti and I are getting a divorce." "She's busting my balls." "Really, I don't want to get into it." "I didn't want you to hear about it the wrong way." "Right." "I tried to call your mom." "Well, she never says anything bad about you." "How you doing?" "You okay?" "Where you working now?" "Well, we're going back down to Long Beach." "Then we go up to Seattle." "And down to Scottsdale." "Scottsdale, Arizona." "I was thinking about orange the other day." "The color." "You take it for granted, right?" "The color orange." "But what is it, really?" "The color?" "Yeah." "But that's it." "Just tell me, what is orange?" "l don't know." "That's my point." "You take it for granted." "You don't think about stuff like that." "It's just there." "Did John get you that camera stuff you wanted?" "Yeah." "Yeah, finally." "He can be a real drag." "Yeah, Mom thinks he's a creep." "Yeah." "We'll see." "We'll see." "Gotta make some changes." "Anne." "No, no, don't hang up." "What do you mean, Debbie doesn't come to the phone?" "I ran into Bobby the other day." "I wanted to tell you." "No, no, hey" " Hey." "Annie?" "Annie?" "Annie!" "Patti, it's an hour earlier in L.A." "It is." "I'm so sorry about what happened with Scotty's drawings at school, but" "No-- l've agreed to the counseling." "I'm offering you 50l50!" "That's fair." "That's-- That's more than fair." "I'm trying to be decent." "Well, I don't have that much money!" "And don't call me in my dressing room anymore." "That is where l prepare." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Patti?" "Okay, we'll talk then." "Back straight." "Chest up." "Chin up." "Smile." ""Your drink, key-holder."" "How's your room?" "lt's okay." "I'm at the Sunburst." "How are rehearsals going?" "That bitch." "What's wrong?" "Why did I get married, Carp?" "Once, you can understand." "I got married twice." "Patti showed up with Scotty." "Yeah?" "No warning." "Just popped in town to fuck with Bob's head." "My lawyer called." "She told him that Scotty has written "Fuck Daddy" on a wall somewhere." "In the divorce papers, she says that I showed him X-rated videos." "Did you?" "I was editing." "He might've seen something." "It's how it looks, John, you know?" "To the press." "Right." "You can't give people a chance to put you down." "You know what I'm saying?" "l do." "You know maybe you should go back to radio." "You love radio." "You heard radio lately?" "It's attacks on the president of the U.S. Jokes." "Yeah." "Filthy jokes." "They're very dirty." "Rock. lt's not my bag." "You know, I'm just trying to help, Bob." "I'm your friend." "You're my only friend, John." "What time is it?" "It's 7:30." "We should go." "l gotta change." "Where we going?" "Surf or turf?" "Surf and turf!" "Come on!" "Yeah, Big Daddy." "Carpy?" "John?" "That you?" "Word is, colonel, there's going to be a surprise inspection." "I don't know about you, but if there's gonna be an inspection I got things to hide." "My God, the building's on fire!" "Look at all those police cars and photographers." "Photographers?" "Oh, my God, there's the mayor too!" "is my wife down there?" "What does she look like?" "I don't remember!" "She's a fox." "Look at the caboose on her." "A day without sex..." "...is a day wasted." "ls a day wasted." "Yeah." "This place is dead." "Well, we still got time to hit a strip joint." "Yeah, we need to talk." "I don't like the sound of that." "That's what a chick says when she's gonna lower the boom." "Thinking about getting out." "Of what?" "Whole scene." "Whole what scene?" "The dinner theater." "All the rest." "Excuse me. I'm confused." "The road." "The hustling." "The broads." "The whole thing." "You mean me." "I'm part of the whole thing?" "Well, without the dinner theater, we'd see each other less." "I want to restart my career." "You're kidding, right?" "Well, what about my equipment?" "Good news." "You can keep it. I'll buy my own." "You're gonna buy a Betacam, right?" "Nobody needs John Carpenter." "You just buy a Betacam." "Tommy Smothers bought Betacam." "Dick Martin." "And now you." "What about me?" "You'll be okay." "We got a good thing going, Big Daddy." "Why ruin it?" "You'll be all right." "I see. I'm like Anne and Patti." "You find a better deal, and dump me." "I'm sick of scoring broads for you, okay?" "There. I said it." "What am I, a drag?" "A drag on your career?" "Who's always been there for you?" "When you were moping?" ""Oh, John, John, nobody wants to hire me!"" "Flying around the country." "Hauling your shit from the airport." "Taking seconds!" "I'm a drag?" "Well, you're a fucking loser." "Bob Crane's a loser!" "l ain't a loser!" "Bob Crane ain't a loser." "You brought Bob Crane down!" "Bob Crane is a good guy!" "Bob, let's not do this." "Please." "John, you're my friend." "Okay?" "You'll always be my friend." "Shit. I'm supposed to call Carolyn." "About the Jacuzzi party." "Hello?" "Hey, it's John." "How's it going?" "All right." "You alone?" "Yeah." "You didn't score?" "Man, I'm in my damn shorts." "How about you?" "Negative. I had to drive her halfway out to nowhere." "What happened?" "She said, "No way. "" "Well, what do you mean?" "She wouldn't let me come to her place." "She wouldn't come to my place." "Boy, I don't need that." "Christ!" "Bob?" "You know, I was thinking...." "You know if I said anything earlier tonight that...." "Don't worry about it." "Well, you know, I...." "Did you think about it?" "What's that?" "You know." "What we talked about." "You know, what we talked about." "Yeah, I need to take a break." "I just, you know, this thing with Patti." "All of it." "I need a break." "I need a break, I need a break." "You know, I'm sorry." "You'll change your mind." "I'll change my mind?" "Are you deaf?" "What the fuck's wrong with you?" "Kaput." "All right?" "We're still friends, right?" "You need a ride tomorrow to the airport?" "I got a luncheon at noon." "John?" "Don't bother." "Just don't fucking bother." "Okay." "Don't get all worked up." "I gotta get some sleep." "Bob?" "I'll give you a call sometime, Carpy." "The investigation was not well handled." "Scottsdale was a small town back then." "They suspected Carpy, but didn't prosecute." "Not a solid case, they said." "This was before DNA." "Fourteen years later, a new district attorney brought him up for trial." "John told them, "He was my friend." "Why would I kill him?"" "Evidence had been lost, memories faded." "He was acquitted." "Four years later, he died of a heart attack." "I can't blame him." "He was a cool guy, in his way." "That's how it is." "Men gotta have fun."