"(theme music playing)" "Venus:" "♪ ...as much applause as waving the flag ♪" "♪ You can pass many a class ♪" "♪ Whether you're dumb or wise ♪" "♪ If you all answer the call ♪" "♪ When your professor cries... ♪ Everybody!" "♪ Down on your heels, up on your toes ♪" "♪ Stay after school, learn how it goes ♪" "♪ Everybody do the Varsity Drag... ♪" "Boom!" "(applause)" " How 'bout a dance?" " Oh, I'd love to, Ted, but I promised to dance with Richard." "Do you know where he is?" "Yeah, he's in his study, I think." " Oh, what's he doing there?" " Oh, research." "We're not supposed to know anything about it." "Well, I'm gonna go and dig him out." "If you insist, but you don't know what you're missing!" "No, look, darling, I think I'll just go and get some drinks." "All right." "Well, you don't look very happy." "Well, I've just been given the push by that delectable Venus Smith." " Will I do instead?" " Yes, very well." "All right, I'm married, thank you," "Richard, help." "Richard?" "Richard!" "Another double scotch and a pint of bitter, so that's six and three, pop that on your bill?" " Please." " All right." "Shall we sit down?" "Thank you." "What's happened?" "Richard Davis committed suicide last night." " Suicide?" " According to local police there's no reason to disillusion one way or the other for the time being." "Well, I can't say I'm altogether surprised." "While you were away, someone made contact with Davis and tried to blackmail him into giving them information about his work in Professor Aubyn's research department." "Well, he fed them a bit of unimportant data to keep them happy, in the meantime he notified me." "Do we know who's blackmailing him?" "If we knew that, Steed, there'll be no need for either of us to be here." "I take it you never met Davis." "Not since we were at school together." "I got a message waiting for me last night when I came back from Cairo." "The message being from your friend, Miss Venus Smith?" " That's right." " Yes, I noticed that she was singing here during the Rag Week festivities." "I take it that the university is indebted to you" " for that arrangement?" " I thought she could keep an eye on Davis" " while I was away." " Not very successfully, unfortunately." "Well, my work, took a little longer than..." "You know, Steed I disapprove of amateurs." "However, that's so much water under the bridge." "The point is that Davis won't be the only brain in the university they're after." "What's you cover?" "Literary research." "I'm mainly interested in Dr. Johnson's friend." " Italian name." " Piozzi." " Oh, yes, that's right." " Ex-Thrale." "You know, Steed, your cover usually has a large element of wishful thinking." " Anything else, sir?" " That's all." "I shall, of course, be staying with my old friend the vice chancellor." "Keep me informed." "You haven't told me what you want me to do yet." "In the words of your literary doctor friend," ""Sir, I have found you an argument." "I am not obliged to find you an understanding."" "Man:" "I can't tell you how delighted I am, Roberts." "Aubyn, I congratulate you on your choice." "You realize, of course (speaks French) that he won't be able to devote quite so much time to tutoring." "No, of course he won't." "Still the work that Davis was on must be continued." "As his assistant," "I suppose you got to know him pretty well, didn't you?" "Well, he was never really the sort of person one could get to know well, sir." "But he was a pleasant enough chap to work with." "Extraordinary." "Everything before him." "His research work was quite remarkable." "Every prospect of a brilliant career." "Poor fella." "I suppose we should never really know why he took his own life." "I hope you wouldn't mind using his room?" " No, I had expected that, sir." " Good." "Well, as I said before, the appointment has my full approval and I'm perfectly certain you'll make a great success of it." "Now if you'll excuse me" "I'm afraid I've got a very busy morning." "Oh, Aubyn, I'm expecting young Green, and one of the proctors, if you see him outside, ask him to come in." "(speaks French)" " I'll take that for you." " Oh!" "(Laughs)" " Well, good luck, my dear fellow." " Thank you, sir." "(sighs)" " (knock on door)" " Come in." " Morning, Harry." " Good morning." " Morning, Mr. Green." " Good morning, sir." " Well, I'll leave you to it." " No, no, I'd like you to stay." "Now Mr. Green, Mr. Jackson here tells me that you've been returning to the college after hours on several occasions recently." "I'm very sorry, sir." "Now what have you been up to?" "I was at a party." "No, I don't just mean last night." "Have you got some attachment in the town?" "Not now, sir." "Now listen to me, Green, college rules were made to be observed." "If I have reports of this kind of thing again," "I shall take disciplinary action that I'm perfectly certain won't appeal to you." " You understand what I mean, don't you?" " Yes, sir." " All right." "That's all." "You can go." " Thank you, sir." "I'm worried about that boy, Harry." "I understand on the very best authority that he's been spending money in the town that I'm perfectly certain he hasn't got." " Now where is it coming from?" " I don't know." "There have been several complaints of petty pilfering in the past month, but I'm bound to say." " Green doesn't strike me as the type." " Well, I agree with you." "All the same, I'd like you to keep an eye on him." "I've heard about this pilfering, and I'm not going to have the good name of the college smeared." "Something's got to be done about it." "Sally, is there any calls for me?" " Sorry, miss." " Oh, well, never mind, eh?" "Morning, come and sit down." "Burlington..." "You managed to get here very quickly?" " What'll you have to drink?" " Pineapple juice, please." "A pineapple juice and a large scotch whisky, please." "Grain, my dear, which in England is generally given to horses, in Scotland supports the people." " Eh?" " Aha." "Dr. Johnson." "Oh, wasn't it tragic about your friend Richard Davis?" " And he was such a nice person, too." " Yeah, he was." "Did he say anything that might suggest" " he was gonna kill himself?" " No, nothing at all." "He didn't leave a note or anything like that?" " Not that I know of, no." " Well, was he quite happy?" "It's funny you should say that, but there had been a girl in the town that he'd been going around with an artist or something like that, and it didn't work out so well, so I..." " There you are, sir." " Thank you very much, just coming up." " Hey, how's the Rag Week going?" " Oh, fine, thanks." "I'm sorry it's only gonna be one week." "You know, singing in the open is such a nice change from dreary old nightclubs." "Cheers." "Sal, be a love and get some glasses, will you?" "Well, hello there, Venus Smith." " Well, hello there, Teddy." " I didn't know you were staying here." "Higby, you old trout, I hope you're looking after my friend in style." " Of course, old boy." " Ted, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, John Steed, Ted East." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" "And this is Claire Summers, the bohemian girl." " Hello, Claire." " Hello." "Now then, how about a drink?" " I'll have a bitter please." " One bitter." "Comin' up." "There we are." "You've both got one.." "And a whisky for me." "Your very good health." "That'll be three and a penny, old man." "Oh, don't be silly, Higby, chalk it up." "I say, Claire, did you enjoy the dance last night?" "It was a ghastly drag." "It's one of the disadvantages of living in a university town, is I usually get invited to these dos." "I should jolly well think she does." "The shortage of attractive women is simply staggering." "Ah, ah... that'll be 3 and 7, old man." " You got a sixpence?" " There you are." "You're not at the college then, Claire?" "Oh, it's sweet of you to suggest it, but I'm a trifle overage." " What do you do?" " I paint." "Venus, weren't you meeting your agent, 12:00?" "Eh?" "Oh, yes, yes." " I must go." " Oh, a shame." "Well, I'll see you later, then." "Goodbye." " Bye." " Bye." "Venus... there's a name to be proud of." "Evocative, sensual." "The best my parents could dream up for me was Ted." "You in the band?" "No, I'm not musically inclined." "Your turn." "I literally research, Davis was doing that wasn't he?" "Well, he wasn't exactly literally." "I don't know what all the fuss is about." "I thought he was a pretty boring chap myself." "Darling, it must of been a terrible shock to his friends." " If he had any." " He had one friend..." "young Venus." " Really?" " They were very friendly." "He left her a note." "Strange, really, they'd only known each other a week." "I thought the police said there wasn't a note." "Oh, not by the body." "Just the one he sent to Venus." "Come on, Claire, you've had enough." "Oh, darling, sorry, look I got to fly." "I've got someone coming to look at a picture at midday." " See you soon." " I should think so." " Thanks for the drink." " Pleasure." "She's a sight." "That letter Davis sent to Venus," "I suppose she handed it over to the police." "It would depend what was in it, wouldn't it." "(knock on door)" " Come in." " Darling." "Darling, I've got the most wonderful news." " I've just been given Davis' job." " That's marvelous." "Of course, I'm not meant to tell anybody yet but I had to come and tell you." "Oh, I'm so glad." "You deserve it, you really do." "Come here." "You know, if it wasn't for poor ol' Davis," "I'd say I was the luckiest man in the world." "A nice job and you as well." " What's the matter?" " Nothing." "Yes, something is the matter." "What is it?" "It's nothing really, I'm sorry." "Whatever it is, you can tell me about it." "Well, it's so silly really." "I owe somebody some money," "I haven't got it and they want it back." " Who wants it back?" " Higby." " That chap who runs the Volunteer?" " Yes." "He has a restaurant as well," "I did the murals there, some time ago." "That's how I got to know him." " How much do you owe him?" " It's rather a lot." "Remember, I told you my mother was ill recently." "It cost the family a small fortune." "I had to make my contribution, so I went to Higby, he's got plenty of cash, and he made me a loan, and now he's threatening to take me to court if I don't pay it back immediately." "Look, darling, I'm terribly sorry but I'm absolutely flat broke." "Oh, darling, oh, I know." "It wasn't that." "I just had to tell somebody." "But what about that picture you sold the other week to that American chap." " What was his name..." "Finch or Pinch or something?" " Lynch, Peter Lynch." "There's his check." "That's for 220 pounds." "Surely, that's enough." "Yes, but don't you see he's put in writing 220 guineas, that's 210 pounds." "No bank would ever cash that because the letters" " and the figures don't agree." " No, I'm afraid they wouldn't." "I suppose it's my own fault really." "I should've watched him make out the check." "I suppose I was so excited about selling a painting." "Oh, you can just get him to write another check." "Only that he has left the country." "He's in the middle of the Atlantic on the Queen Elizabeth." "Well, you'll just have to go to Higby and explain the whole thing." "I've tried, he won't listen." "Do you want me to have a go?" "Oh, darling, no, it wouldn't do any good." "The awful thing is the idiot included a blank check in the deal." "I didn't realize I'd got it until after he'd gone." "It is rather tempting, isn't it?" "You're not thinking of trying to copy his signature" " or something silly, are you?" " No, no of course not." "Though, I must say it wouldn't be a bad idea." "After all, he does owe me the money, doesn't he?" "It is not as if I'm trying to get something out of him for nothing." "Oh, it's no good." "I'd never be able to copy his signature." "You're a clot." "Come on, let me have a go." "Now where's your pen?" "Oh, darling." "I'd rather you didn't." "Someone's got to get you out of this mess." "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." "What are you doing here?" "Sorry, I must be in the wrong room by mistake." "I've seen you around the college haven't I?" " Yes." " What's your name?" "Green." "Look, I can explain!" "I'm not here to steal anything, really I'm not!" "Then what are you here for then?" " I'm looking for a letter." " What letter?" "The letter Davis sent you before he killed himself." "But he never sent me any letter." " But I heard that he did." " Who told you that?" "Well, I was a friend of his, you see." "I just wanted to see what he said." "Well, I'm sorry, I haven't got any letter." "I don't know what you're talking about." " You're from Derby, aren't you?" " Well, yes." "Well go on, buzz off and pop that back on your way out, will you?" "Ta." "Oh, I'm sorry, old boy." "We're closed until 6:00." "I don't want a drink, Mr. Higby," "I just wanted to see you." "Claire Summers asked me to give you this." "You'll see that it's made out to her, but she's endorsed it on the back so that you can pay it into your own account." "It's for 210 pounds which I think is for 10 pounds more than she owes you, so if you give me the balance in cash" "I'll take it back to her." "Why don't I just call that interest, old man?" "Now if you're not going to give me the check..." "Ah, ah, wait a minute, wait a minute." "This chap Lynch, he stayed here while he was visiting the city." "Uh... this is the check he paid me." "Those signatures don't quite look the same to me, old man." "They look the same to me." "Yes, but I have an eye for this sort of thing, you know." "Now who did this?" "You or your girlfriend?" "Neither of us, they're completely genuine." "You're one of the bright boys, aren't you?" "Stay out of trouble, keep your nose clean you might get into the Royal Society." "Now if I pay this into the bank, apart from the fact you'll probably go to jail, you'll be lucky if you end up as a stinks master in some crackpot prep school." "What the devil do you mean?" "Well, let's just say that, um," "I'm a collector of facts, and you're a forger and your girlfriend is an accessory." "We mustn't forget that." "Now you've got a splendid new job haven't you?" "And a girlfriend who'll be ever so grateful to you for saving her." "So supposing I hang on to this, and then if at some future time" "I should want you to do a little something for me, you'll remember to pay up, won't you?" " Now look here..." " That's a sort of thing the Sunday papers love, old boy." "Now why don't you just run along, hmm?" "Well, what do you think of him?" "I'm not committing myself, not after Davis." "I felt quite sorry for this one." "Why?" "Falling for you." "He doesn't know yet does he?" "What?" "Just how much you like hurting people." "Now, now, now." "What happened to Green?" "Well, he didn't get the letter." " He got caught." " Caught?" "Oh, it's all right, that girl Smith didn't go to the police." "I wonder if it is all right." "Why didn't she go to the police?" "I don't know, maybe she was sorry for him." "Perhaps there wasn't a letter after all." "Now why do you say that?" "Well, doesn't it strike you as odd that a man should send a suicide note just before he's murdered?" "He said his name was Green." "Steed:" "I'll see what I can find out about him." "Oh, I don't want to do anything about the break-in." "He might get expelled or something like that." ""Sent down" is the expression." "Well, it all seems so silly, asking for a letter" " that doesn't even exist." " (telephone rings)" "Hello?" "Woman:" "Hello, is that Miss Smith?" " Yes, who's that?" " You won't know me." "I was a friend of Richard Davis." "I understand he wrote you a letter" " just before he took his life." " Look, who is that please?" "I'm sorry, I can't tell you my name." "I want you to put that letter behind the notice board at the foot of staircase number two in Saint Luke's College." " Do you understand?" " Yes, but look..." "I would do as you're told, Miss Smith." "I really should." "Leave it there at 11:00 tonight." " Marvelous." " But I don't understand." "First of all, an undergraduate breaks into my room and then threatening phone calls and they're all after some letter which I just haven't got." "Look, surely, you don't think Richard Davis would've sent me a letter just before he died, do you?" "No, but he might have done if he'd the chance to think of it." " You were a friend of his." " What are you doing?" "Preparing the letter he ought to have written." "I think you should deliver it as the lady suggested." " But there was no letter." " I know, there will be." "Only the pages won't have any writing on them." "Hold on." "By hand." "There you are, my dear, and I'll be close by to see who collects it." "You don't think Davis was murdered, do you?" "I mean, you do really think he committed suicide?" "If he was murdered, he would've known in time to write you, would he?" " But he didn't write to me." " Precisely." "Man:" "You're quite sure you won't tell me what you were doing in the town between 1:00 and 2:00 P.M. yesterday." " I can't remember, sir." " You can't remember." "All right, then, I'll have to tell you." "Now this is a letter from Mr. Higby." "He's the landlord of the Volunteer public house." " Do you know him?" " Yes, sir." "Well, Mr. Higby says that he had a complaint from one of guests, Miss Venus Smith." "She says that you found you in her room searching her luggage." "Mr. Higby goes on to say that "subsequently"" "it was discovered that money and cigarettes" ""was missing from the bar."" "What have you got to say about that?" "Well, sir, I admit I was in Miss Smith's room" " but I didn't..." " You admit it, that's enough." "Fortunately, Mr. Higby has assured me that he is not going to prosecute, but the whole sorry business is such a disgrace to the college that I'm afraid I've got no alternative but to recommend that you be sent down immediately." "Sir, if you'll only give me a chance to explain!" "Now don't argue with me, Green, all that I can do is to assure you that you will be given an opportunity later to defend your conduct." " Understand?" " Yes, sir." "It's all right, you can go." "I said you can go." "Thank you, sir." "(bell tolls)" "Enough." " Look out." " Sorry." "What's wrong?" "I'm going to be sent down." "Sent down?" "What for?" "It doesn't really matter." "I never fitted into this place, anyway." "But don't you realize what being sent down is gonna mean for the rest of your life?" " Yes, of course I do." " Damn it, man, you can't just take it like that." "Aren't you gonna do something about it?" "What's the use?" "I might as well be dead for all they care." " Yes, but it's..." " Oh, leave me alone." "Anything you say." "Sally:" "Good evening, Professor Aubyn." "Your usual?" " Thank you, Moira." " Sally." "(hums)" "(speaks French) "Il va pleuvoir," as Victor Hugo said." " Professor Aubyn?" " Yes." "I'm delighted to meet you." "My name is Steed, John Steed." "I read your paper on metal fatigue in supersonic aircraft." " That was fascinating." " Oh, thank you." " And you are?" " 18th-century English literature." "I'm down here doing literary detective work on Mrs. Piozzi." " Mrs..." " Dr. Johnson's old flame." "Oh, yes, yes, quite, stupid of me." "Have you met Shoctor Danklin..." "Er, Dr. Shanklin?" "He's rather hot on these 18th-Century literatures." "No, not yet, but I hope to have the opportunity of doing so, I must say." "Now, getting back to your research department, wasn't Richard Davis part of it?" "Yes." "You knew him?" "Well, not since I was at school, that's a long time ago." "Obviously." "It was a terrible thing to happen." "Can you think of any reason?" "No." "Still..." "(speaks Latin)" "As Virgil rather neatly put it, no reason at all." "Overworked perhaps." "Who's taking his place?" "Oh, a nice young man, a person called Roberts." "He used to be Davis' assistant." "Hmm, can I buy you that other half?" "That's very kind of you." "Pro bono, public help." "It's a pleasure, make the change to get away from Mrs. Piozzi for a while." "Oh, have you brought her with you then?" "Not literally." "(gunshot)" "(whistles)" "(bell tolls)" "Hello, Mr. Steed, so you heard that did you?" " Of course." " Good." "May I ask what you are doing in this extremely strange room?" "I think I better take charge of that." "No, no, no don't worry about this." "(gun clicks)" "This is Roberts' room isn't it?" "Was Davis's." "Whoever it belongs to." "What are you doing here?" "I'm trying to work out how Davis killed himself." "I think I should leave that to the police." "Yes, well, they seem to have been very bright about it." "You see, these rooms are as stuffy as hell, so let's assume that the window is open as it is now." "Now you heard this thing just now when I fired it off yet last night the quad was teeming with people and nobody heard anything when Davis killed himself." " There was a dance going on." " (chuckles) Yes." "But the band didn't start until 8:00, and according to the police" "Davis died some time before that." "You see..." "I keep asking myself a simple historical question, have you ever heard of anybody shooting themselves with a silencer?" "Be back in a minute." "Here, what's going on?" "Our conversation was just becoming interesting." "Never mind about..." "Was he a friend of yours?" "It's Green." "He was gonna be sent down." "He's been sent down all right, he's dead." "(knocks on door)" "Come in." "I don't know what you see in those things." "They're elemental, like me." "Well, did you get it." "Did she put it there herself?" "Yes." "Did anyone see you collect this from the notice board?" "No, of course not." " What does it say?" " It says nothing." "Well, your little telephone call didn't work, did it, dear?" "Don't you lose your temper with me!" "You want to take it out on somebody, you have another go at Venus Smith." "Yes." "Yes, perhaps you're right." "I think we've got to show that silly little girl that we're serious." "I know." "What's that?" "Face cream." " You can't send her that!" " Why not?" " That'll burn her face off." " So what?" "She's got to be sure taught a lesson." "You really do like hurting people, don't you?" "Oh, shut up!" "You gotta do as I tell you and so has Venus Smith." " (knock on door)" " Come in." "Oh, hello love, any luck?" "According to the college authorities, the local police, another suicide topped up to the files." "Do you know you're looking particularly beautiful tonight?" "That's very neat, really." "Green the undergraduate with the most reason for wishing he hadn't been born suddenly found himself dead." "Poor Green, he was being expelled, wasn't he?" "Sent down, yes." "That's what I said, he got the push." "For pilfering, apparently." "Are you ready?" " I want to down to the college." " I shan't be a moment." "And since you seem to think I need so much improving, thank you very much for the cream." " What?" " The face cream." "It was very sweet of you." " Do you mean this?" " Well, it was for me, it was in the carton..." "Have you gone mad?" "What's in there could scar your face for life, trichloroacetic acid." " I got to get this off you." " I haven't got it on me!" "I didn't like it, it smells of swimming pool!" "You're breaking my neck!" " Whew." " Heck!" "Hey, why would anyone want to do a thing like that to me?" "I can't imagine." "Unless it was to warn you off." "Hello, Roberts old love, how's the new job?" "Not so much of the old love, young man." "That's the trouble with you undergraduates today, you got no respect for your betters." "Oh, don't give me that." "Have you read my thesis yet." "Um, that's what you call it." "It certainly is my son, and let me tell you that my ideas on the cubic capacity of minerals will revolutionize scientific thinking for years to come." "I wish I could share your confidence." "I've just seen something rather attractive." "Hello, Venus, Belle of the quad." "What are you doing in our academic midst?" "Oh, this is Mr. Roberts, our resident metallurgist." "Yes I know, we've met, hello." "Say you're a bit of a dark horse, aren't you." "I didn't know you could play the guitar." "Well, after five years concentrated practice," "I've succeeded in learning one number." "Dig this, honey." "(strumming)" "(whistling melody)" "♪ Way up in banana tree... ♪" "Miss Smith." "♪ Yellow bird ♪" "♪ You sit all alone like me ♪" "♪ Did your lady friend leave the nest again?" "♪" "♪ That is very sad, makes me feel so bad ♪" "♪ You must fly away in the sky away ♪" "♪ You more lucky than me ♪" " ♪ Yi-yi-yi... ♪" " Hey!" "♪ Yellow bird way up in banana tree... ♪" "Whee-hee-hee!" "♪ Yellow bird, You sit all... ♪" " Roberts:" "Miss Smith." " Yes?" "Could I have a word with you for a moment?" " Yeah, sure, what about?" " It's about Richard Davis." " Do you think we can go to my room?" " Yes." "(music continues)" " East!" " Sir?" "It would be a pity to allow your musical talents to stand in the way of your success in the examination room." "Sir." "I'm so sorry to drag you away, but you always seem to be surrounded by people." "Oh, that's all right." " Ah, would you care for a cigarette?" " Oh, no, thank you." " I've got to think of my voice, you know." " I suppose." "Would you like a cup of tea?" "I won't say no to that, thank you." "What did you want to see me about?" "Well, um, I gather you have a letter that Richard Davis sent you just before he died." "I wondered if I can see it?" "I haven't got it with me, actually." "Do you think we can go back to your room for it?" "I'm sorry, but what's it got to do with you, anyway?" "Well, you see, I was a friend of his." "I just wanted to know why he killed himself." " Do you take sugar?" " No, thank you." "You haven't shown it to anybody, have you?" " No." " Not even the police?" "Oh, it was a personal letter you see." "How well did you know Davis?" "Oh, not very well." "We used to chat..." "Then why should he choose to write a letter to you?" "I don't know, maybe he thought I was..." "That letter doesn't exist, does it, Miss Smith?" " You made it up." " Why did you say that?" "Because I think Richard Davis was murdered." "You see, I've taken over his work since he died and I know now that he was on the verge of a most important discovery." "He'd never have killed himself at such a time." " (knock on door)" " It just doesn't make sense." "Oh, am I interrupting?" "Oh no, we were just talking about Davis and that letter, you know." " I see." " Who are you?" "This is a friend of mine, John Steed..." "John Steed..." "J..." "John Steed, this is Jack Roberts." "Jack Steed this is Jack..." "Anyway, marvelous." "How do you do?" "Call me, Bert, thank you, how do you do?" "So you what..." "Oh, what does he think?" "Do you know something about this letter do you?" "Yes, he does." "He thinks the same as you do, that Davis has no reason to kill himself." "So you think that Davis was murdered, too?" "Yes, I do." "Have you any idea who might have killed him?" " No." " I'm off." " Where are you going?" " To spray my throat." "What's the matter with it?" "Nothing, I'm just gonna spray it." "Problems." " You've taken over Davis' job, haven't you?" " Yes." " You realize you might be next on the list?" " Yes, I know." "That's why I want to find out what happened to him." "I don't blame you, so do I." "Now I got a theory..." "It seems to me that there's an organization in this university blackmailing undergraduates." "Now you can see how useful that can be to enemy agents, get their hands on them?" "Tomorrow's top men, today's undergraduate." "Yes, but it's not just undergraduates, Mr. Steed," "I've been approached as well." "I see, what happened?" "Well, it's wasn't ideological conversion or anything like that." "As you rightly guessed it was blackmail." "You see, well, rather stupidly," "I tried to copy the signature on a check" " to help a friend of mine out of a jam." " Some jam." "Well, it was money they were entitled to but when I went to cash this check, the man I tried to cash it with turned out to be a member of this organization." " Who was it?" " A chap called Higby." "The man who runs the Volunteer?" "Yes, yes, that's the one." "But I don't think he's their leader." "There's someone else behind him." "I'm sure of this." "You forged this check off your own bat?" "Well... well, yes." "I see, now look here, I may be able to manage..." "I'm not saying I can, mind you..." "To see you won't be prosecuted for this forgery." "Now will you help me?" " Yes, yes." " We got to trust each other." "I really want to find out who's the head of this organization." "Now I think the best thing for you to do is to, uh... yes, to pretend that you're ideologically convinced." "(kettle whistles)" "Would you care for a cup of tea?" "Thank you." "Higby:" "Yes, well that was the one too many, wasn't it?" "Now come on, chaps, off you go." "Come on, carry him out." "I got two hours' work to do when you fellas leave here tonight." "It's not all fun running a pub, you know." "Come on, Geronimo, back to the reservation." "They're dancing for rain tonight." "I'll take that." "I lose more glasses that way." "Go on, out you go." "Yeah, never mind about him." "He's a shareholder." "I don't know, why is it beer always tastes so much better after closing time?" "Well, have you got that information for yet, old man?" "No, I'm afraid I haven't had time yet." "Now look, if you don't do as I tell you," "I've got information here that says you're a forger." "You won't need that, Mr. Higby." "I'm afraid you don't quite understand." "You and I are on the same side." " Really?" " Yes." "It's rather funny, really." "I've been trying to get in touch with somebody from your organization for some time." "♪ Gray skies are going to clear up ♪" "♪ Put on a happy face ♪" "♪ Brush off the clouds and cheer up ♪" "♪ Put on a happy face ♪" "♪ Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy ♪" "♪ It's not your style ♪" "♪ You'll look so good that you'll be glad ♪" "♪ You decided to smile ♪" "♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook ♪" "♪ Stick out that noble chin ♪" "♪ Take off the full-of-doubt look ♪" "♪ Slap on a happy grin ♪" "♪ And spread sunshine all over the place ♪" "♪ Just put on a happy ♪" "♪ Happy, happy ♪" "♪ Put on a happy face. ♪" " How 'bout this time?" " I'd love to." "Where's your friend, Mr. Steed?" "Oh, he's probably with Mrs. Piozzi." "Dr. Johnson's mate." "Oh, you know?" "He's not exactly doing literally research, is he?" "What makes you say that?" "He seems far more interested in why Davis and Green killed themselves." "Oh, let's talk about something else, shall we?" "How 'bout letting me taking you home at the end of the week?" "That's very nice of you, Ted." " But I should probably go back with Mr. Steed." " Oh." "Hello, my dear." "Enjoying yourself?" "Yes, we were, thank you." "Excuse us, please, I want to dance with Venus." " Has she left you again?" " Yes." " Would you like to dance with me?" " Yes." "Have you seen him?" "I'm worried about him." " He seems to have disappeared." " Oh?" "If you see him, tell him I want to talk to him." "Fetch and carry, fetch and carry." " This is home." " Aren't you gonna ask me in?" " It's late." " That doesn't matter." "I think you better get back to college." "I don't want you gated on my account." " No, nonsense." " Don't be a naughty boy." "Then what about some black coffee?" " No." " White?" " No." " Then what about tomorrow?" "Come around when you can." "Oh, ruddy women..." "(muttering)" "Hello, darling," "I've been looking for you everywhere." "So you've picked up young East now, have you?" "What?" "That was East you were with, wasn't it?" "What about it?" "I suppose I've ceased to be useful to you." "I'm sorry, darling," "I just don't know what you're talking about." " Don't you?" " East made a pass at me at the dance." "I've been trying to shake him off ever since." "And I just don't believe you." "All right, darling, believe what you like." "It happens to be true." "Oh, darling, come on." "Don't be a jealous old bore." "You can't be angry just because I enjoy myself sometimes." "You know I love you." "Is that why you got me to forge that check?" "Of course it isn't." "Don't keep me in suspense any longer." " Was it all right about the check?" " Yes, I delivered it." "Higby didn't question it." "Oh, no, and it seemed to be just what he wanted." "Anyway, he didn't waste much time in giving me my orders." " Orders?" " Well, needless to say," "Higby spotted the check as a forgery and proceeded to blackmail me." "It was all very cleverly worked out, Claire." "Why did you do it?" "I don't know what you mean." "Why did you do it, Claire?" "Do you think I wanted to do what I did?" "What did you expect me to think?" "Why did you do it?" "How can I get you to understand?" "Don't say it was your idea." "Surely there was somebody else behind it." "Of course it was." "Darling, don't you realize I'm just as much a victim of these people as you are?" "What people?" "Well they have agents in all the universities, blackmailing undergraduates into working for them so that when they leave they become useful to them." "That's how they got hold of me." "They tricked me into doing something that would send me to prison, so this is my assignment to ride tea and sympathy for tomorrow's diplomats and scientists." "Oh, it isn't the same with you, darling, really." "Oh, I love you." "You must know that." "You must believe me." "I really love you." "All right, I believe you." "(knock on door)" " Damn." " Come in, Higby." "Claire...?" "Good evening, old boy." "Claire, what is this?" "What's going on?" "Well, now, you didn't seriously think we were going to swallow all that stuff about you being ideologically one of us," " did you, old man?" " You are a fool, Jack." " Claire!" " You know, there was a time when I really thought you were gonna be quite promising." "Such a pity that all that talent will have to go to waste." "You tramp!" "Now just a moment, old chap." "Yes, yes, sir." "Good heavens." "What?" "Yes, yes I understand." "Mm-hmm." "Right, well, thank you very much for letting me know." "Yes." "Goodbye." "Well, that was the police." "According to the doctor's preliminary report, young Roberts died of an overdose of Phenobarbital." "An overdose of Phenobarbital?" "Well, you realize what that means?" "Another suicide." "It's an appalling situation." "Only a half an hour ago, there was one of those paper men on Fleet Street on the telephone to me." "I suggest we better think up some sort of ad hoc explanation of these..." "unfortunate incidents." "Yes, well, I suppose one can understand young Green taking his own life." "Heaven above knows," "I feel in a sense responsible for that." "Oh, no, no, Shanklin, you mustn't blame yourself." "He wasn't the first man to be sent down." "Oh, I don't know." "If only these youngsters would come to me more often when they've got something on their mind." "So difficult to make contact with some of them." "I find it particularly perplexing about Roberts." "Everything open to him and now this." "What do you know about this fellow Steed?" " Who?" " Steed." "Oh, Mrs. Piozzi's friend." "Nothing very much." "We had a chat in the Volunteer the other night, he seemed pleasant enough." "Why, why do you ask?" "Oh, I don't know." "It just seems strange." "You see it was Steed who discovered Green, now it seems that he found Roberts." "Do you see what I mean?" "It's odd." "East is on his way up the stairs now." "Hello, can I come in?" "Hello, Teddy." "Great Scott, what's this a reptile hut?" "Attractive looking bunch you got in there." "Well, I suppose you heard about poor old Roberts?" "Yes." "Yes, somebody told me." "You were rather friendly with him once, weren't you?" "Yes, I went out with him a couple of times." "I was rather fond of him but he was rather moody, you know." "Isn't it funny?" "You always think that people who talk about suicide will never really do it." "Yes, but they do, don't they?" "What's wrong?" "You're not still worried about Roberts are you?" "I'm up to my eyes in debt." " Oh, is that all?" " Do you know Higby?" "Yes, very well." "Well, I owe him 200 pounds." "That must've been quite a party." "My mother was ill recently, cost the family a small fortune." "I had to borrow from someone." " And now he wants it back?" " Yes." "Trust him?" "Well, he can take me to court and put the bailiffs in here which would be rather embarrassing." "I thought you did rather well with your old paint brush." "Yes." "Yes, I do sometimes." "The maddening thing is only last week" "I sold a picture to an American for 200 guineas." "Well, then, what are you worried about?" "There's his check." "Take a look at it." "200 guineas, 220 pounds." "Darling, 200 guineas is 210 pounds as any bank clerk would know." "Ah, yes, I see, well, now that's quite simple, you get your Mr. Rockefeller to make you out another one or get him to change this one and initial it." "Only that he is on safari in Kenya and jungle johns couldn't convey the kind of message" "I'd like to send to him." "The maddening thing is he included a blank check" " in the deal." " Well, how did that happen?" "He tore off two checks at the same time." "It'd be rather nice to make out a check for ourselves for a thousand pounds, wouldn't it?" "Yes, we know where that would land you, don't you?" "Of course, it wouldn't be morally wrong to make out a check for 200 guineas." "I mean, well, it is yours, isn't it?" "I'd never be able to copy his signature." "Effort, "St. Trinian's." You got a pen?" "Darling, do you think you ought?" "Oh, why ever not?" "Higby will never know." "Peter Lynch, hmm." "How's your other girlfriend getting on, Miss Smith?" "Ah, she's only a nodding acquaintance." "She's very attractive." "Yes, but she hasn't got a room full of alligators next to the college." "You made a brilliant speech at the debating society last week I heard." "Well, it's all in good practice." "What for?" "The day you become prime minister?" "Oh, you never know." "I might become tenth parliamentary undersecretary at the Ministry of Works one day." "Now how's that?" "All you got to do is to fill in the rest." "I'd say that was excellent." "Wouldn't you say that's an excellent forgery?" "Ah, Higby, are you after money again?" "You know, old man the maximum sentence of forgery in this country is seven years." " What is this?" " We want your cooperation." "We?" "What do you mean we?" " You fancy yourself in Parliament, old man?" " Yes." "Well, when you get there you're gonna represent us." "Because when you leave here" "I'm gonna go straight to the police with this check unless of course you agree to do little something for us." "(laughs) Higby's raving mad." "What'd you want me to do?" "Kill someone?" "Yes." "That's exactly what we want you to do." "Come on, love, make yourself useful." "Tie that end off over there for me." "I feel like Dr. Johnson's angler." "What?" "Stick and a string with a fool at one end and a worm at the other." "Here, who's the fool?" "Worm?" "Huh, I just spent the last couple of hours at the county police court." "They're still convinced that Roberts committed suicide." " Why shouldn't they be?" " Eh?" "One word that Roberts was murdered and the whole pack of wolves will run for cover." "Talking about wolves, you remember that artist, Claire Summers?" "Well, she's a right wolf, that she is." "Well, some men like 'em that way." "Well, first of all, she wolfed Davis, then she wolfed Green and then she wolfed Roberts." "I think I'll pay her a visit, go to tea one day." "Yes, well you're in for stiff competition 'cause Teddy's got his eye on her now." "I hope for his sake she doesn't wolf him, too." "Oh, you haven't tied it off like I said." " (knocks on door)" " Come in." " Excuse me, sir." " Hmm." "Can I have a word with you, sir?" " Yes, of course." " College business?" "No, sir, it's personal." "Well, I'm always willing to help if I can." " What it is?" " Well... it's rather difficult to explain, you see." "I've been tricked into forging a check." " Forging a check?" "!" " Yes, sir." "But, East, I don't understand?" "I've forged a check, sir." "Now just a minute, I don't understand." "What you are saying is very serious." " I know, I know, sir." " It's a criminal offense." "Now look you're treating me like a father confessor." "You ought to be discussing this with a solicitor." "But I must tell you, sir, you see, it partly concerns the college." " The college?" " Yes, sir." "Oh, that's different." "Sit down." "Well, go on." "Well, half an hour ago, a girlfriend of mine persuaded me to forge a check." "When I'd done it, her accomplice appeared." "It seems they're part of an organization operating inside this university." "You mean they're criminal?" "They're political agents or something and they forced me to join them because they've got that forged check to hold over me for the rest of my life." "In other words, they're blackmailing you." "Yes, sir." "Have they told you to do anything?" "Oh yes sir, I have to commit a murder, a man called John Steed." "I see." "Well, if you've got to dispose of Mr. Steed, you'll need the means of doing it, won't you?" "No, sir." "They were serious, sir." "So am I, Mr. East." "Thank you, sir." "Do you think anybody's in?" "No." "You're not going in through the door are you?" " Why not?" " Well you don't, that's why not." "Now what you're supposed to do is put a piece of brown paper on the window, then when you switch the glass..." " I haven't got any brown paper, love." " Oh." "I say, that's a useful thing to have." " Where did you find that?" " Never you mind." "No, you don't." "If anyone comes, come tell me." "All right, if it's the police or anything, I'll whistle." "If it's the police or anything, just come and tell me." "Okay." "(whistles) Someone's coming." "Claire?" "What are you doing here?" "I was just gonna ask you the same thing." "Thank you very much, my love." "(imitates whistle) Someone's coming." "What on earth happened?" "Steed was here." "Drink this." "Did he take anything?" "I don't know, you better have a look." "The check book." " That won't help him." " It won't do us any good." "East will get that back when he sees to him." "I delivered the one East made out a few minutes ago." "You..." "You better phone Shanklin." "Yes, I think perhaps he had better be told." "(telephone rings)" "Shanklin here." "Yes, what?" "Oh, good heavens." "Um, all right you better come across and see me." "No, no, no, come quite openly." "I don't think we've got anything to bother about." "Right, yeah, goodbye." "Could you get me a phone number, please, Sally." " Yes, what number?" " It's on that little card there." " Excuse me." " Hello, Mr. Steed, I've been hoping you'd turn up." "Well, I've been looking for you, too." "Well I'd rather say my piece first, you see I've been instructed to kill you." "Your call to London, sir." "Shanklin:" "Higby's a fool." "I've been dissatisfied with him for a long time." "Would like me to get rid of him?" "Hmm, yes, I think perhaps that would be best, but I've something much more important to talk to you about." "One of our old boys is going to Washington next week on a diplomatic mission." "Where is he?" "There he is." "One of our finest operators." "I don't remember him." "No, my dear, he was before your time." "(knock on door)" "Come in." "Yes, what is it?" "I'm very busy at the moment." "Dr. Shanklin, I've been looking forward to seeing you for a long time." "You are the leading authority on Mrs. Piozzi, eh?" "Mr. East, who is this gentleman?" " It's Steed, Shanklin." " Oh, I see." "Now I thought I gave you very definite instructions, East." "I know, sir, but I thought you'd prefer to do it yourself." "I'm afraid I don't quite understand," "I just came to pick your brains about Mrs. Piozzi." " If I'm interrupting..." " Oh, no, no, don't go, Mr. Steed." "I hate to let you down, and I'm afraid this might come as rather a shock to you, but, uh, Dr. Shanklin will explain." "Steady, my dear." "Mr. East, your zealous execution of my instructions does you credit, but I'm bound to say that your method of carrying them out is very," " very reprehensible." " I agree." "The question is, sir, what do we do with him?" "There's nothing much you can do with him." "You see, it isn't loaded." "I should take this one." "I think it's got one or two in it." "Oh, "Boswell's life of Johnson."" "The 1791 edition." "Ha, no wonder it's out of print." "♪ Gray skies are going to clear up ♪" "♪ Put on a happy smile... ♪" "And where's our laudable landlord this morning?" "I don't know." "My sergeant friend says he's helping the police in their inquiries." "Oh, how public spirited of him." "Oh, Sally, I've had a terrific stay and here's the key." "Good morning, Dr. Johnson, and how's Mrs. Piozzi?" "She was in very good form when I left her." "Oh, you haven't left her at last." " Here I am." " Well, I must be off." "As Dr. Johnson says, "The noblest ambition"" "in a man's life, that's a very rough translation" ""is the high road to London."" "See you." "Oh, that's great, that's just great, marvelous." "Are you coming, my love?" "Why not?" "Bye." "Let me carry your case." "And now I think I'll have the other half, Moira." " Sally." " Yes, thank you." "(theme music playing)"