"Well, it's a magnificent stone." "They put it up this morning." "It's just a magnificent stone." "Jerry?" "George we'll leave you alone with her." " What?" " I'm sure there are things you'd like to say." "No, I'm good." "Really." "Jerry?" "Jerry?" "Thank you, no." "And then right after the All-Star break we we just swept the Orioles." "Four games." "In Baltimore." "So..." "Boy, that was awkward." "I don't mind the cemetery." "In fact, now I see why people like golf." "It's just nice to be outside in a well-landscaped area." "What were you saying to the Rosses anyway?" "Oh, man, I don't know." "I told them, " Her death takes place in the shadow of new life." "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."" " What is that?" " Star Trek II." "Wrath of Khan." "Right." "Kramer and I saw it last night." "Spock dies." "They wrap him up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sunglasses case." "It was a hell of a thing when Spock died." "Yeah." "Well, anyway the stone is up." "Paid my respects." " I guess that's it, huh?" " So it's over?" "I have mourned for three long months, summer months too." "Anybody could grieve in January." "It's time for George to start being George again." "All right." "So let's do something later." " How about a movie?" " Yes!" "Nothing says "George" like a movie." " Movie?" " Yeah, you in?" "No, no, no, I can't." "I got my martial arts class." "George is going to the movies." "So how's your karate class going?" "Karate, Jerry, karate." "It's the lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony." "But with punching and kicking." "Jerry." "Karate is not here:" "It's here:" "And here:" "And here:" "All right." "I gotta go to the airport and pick up Elaine." "What, she's been away?" "She's been in Mexico for six weeks." "I think you're wrong." "We just went to the fireworks the other day." "That was July 4th." "I'm out of here." "When I get back I don't wanna see you here:" "Here or here:" "It was unbelievable." "Six weeks of travelling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso." "Did you get any good ideas for the catalogue?" " Tons." " Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata?" "You don't respect my work at all, do you?" " No, I don't." " No." "So, what's been going on around this dump?" "How's your fiancée?" "My what?" "Jeannie?" "Your fiancée?" "Oh, yeah." "That." "Well..." "All right." "Spill it, Jerome." "There's really not that much to tell." "About a month ago we were here having lunch and all of a sudden we both just blurted out:" " I hate you." " I hate you." " See you." " See you." "It was unprecedented." "I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history." "No rejection, no guilt, no remorse." "You've never felt remorse." "I know." "I feel bad about that." "I bet your parents were upset, huh?" " You haven't told them yet, have you?" " No." "So I pressed through the rushes." "There below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria." "Oh, for the love of God, man." "Just tell me what the product is." "It's a washcloth." "No washcloths." "Well, Mr. Peterman I've got a really good idea for a hat." "Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist." "It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big-city panache." "I like to call it the "urban sombrero."" "No, no." "No pears." " Mr. Peterman?" " No apples." "Where's my pineapple?" "Are you okay, Mr. Peterman?" "Yes, yes, go on." "Go on." "Go on." "Well, see, it's businessmen taking siestas." "You know, it's the urban sombrero." "Mr. Peterman?" "I'm feeling something, something I haven't felt for a long time." " Pride?" " No." "Autonomy, complete and total autonomy." "Well, you're your own boss now." " I wanna go to a tractor pull." " Go ahead." " I am staying out all night." " Who's stopping you?" "I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple." "Whatever." " Oh, God." " What?" " It's Dolores." " Who?" "Mulva." " Jerry, hi." " Hi, Dolores." "George, you remember Dolores." " Dolores." " Hi." "I heard you got engaged." "Yes, Dolores, I did." "It didn't work out, though, Dolores." "Oh, that's too bad." "You know, we should get together some time." " See you." " See you." "Bye, Dolores." "I thought Mulva hated you." "Yeah, so did I." "You know what?" "I bet it was the engagement." "I've shown I can go all the way." " All the way?" " Not our all the way." "Their all the way." "I got the stink of responsibility on me." "You were engaged for a minute." " I was engaged for a year." " You stink worse than I do." "I'm feeling something else here, Jerry." "Elaine, Mr. Peterman on line one." "Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling?" "Elaine, I'll be blunt." "I'm burnt out." "I'm fried." "My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon." "I can run that catalogue no longer." "What?" "Who's gonna do it?" " What about you?" " Me?" " Why me?" " Why, indeed." "Mr. Peterman, you can't leave." "I've already left, Elaine." "I'm in Burma." " Burma?" " You most likely know it as Myanmar." "But it will always be Burma to me." "Bonne chance, Elaine." "You there, on the motorbike, sell me one of your melons." "Mr. Peterman?" " Where?" " Burma." "Isn't it Myanmar now?" "Jerry, he wants me to run the catalogue." "I mean, it's crazy." "I can't be in charge." "No, certainly not." " I can't give people orders." " No one's gonna listen to you." "I am not qualified to run the catalogue." "You're not qualified to work at the catalogue." "Hey." " What's wrong?" " Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma." "And now he wants me to run the catalogue." " Where?" " Myanmar." "Is that the discount pharmacy?" "Well, I'm just going to tell him no." "I can't run the catalogue." "Whoa, "can't"?" "When did that word enter your vocabulary?" "What?" "Is the job too difficult?" "What?" "You don't have enough experience?" "You're not smart enough?" "Where's your confidence?" "Elaine, let me tell you a story." " When I first started karate..." " Karate?" "Yeah, karate." "I had no support." "Not from him, not from Newman, no one." "First time I sparred with an opponent I was terrified." "My legs, they were like noodles." "Then I looked inside, and I found my katra." " "Katra"?" " Yeah, your spirit, your being." "That part of you that says, "Yes, I can."" "Sammy Davis had it." "So I listened to my katra, and now..." "I'm dominating the dojo." "I'm class champion." "Well, you know, I have watched Peterman run the company." "Sure, you have." "I know how to do it." "Pair of pants, stupid story, a huge markup." "I can do that." "You follow your katra and you can do anything." " Now get out of here." " Okay." "That kid is gonna be all right." "No, she's not." "Come on, Kramer." " Hey there." " Come on." " Mom's down in the car." " Okay, Joey." "You have class at the same time?" "No, we're in the same class." "You're in the same class?" "He almost beat me." "Kramer, you're fighting children?" "We're all at the same skill level, Jerry." "He's 9 years old." "You don't need karate." "You can just wring his neck." "I got car pool." "Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z." "Hey, can we stop for ice cream on the way home, Mom?" " I don't know about..." " Please." " Please, please." " Please." "Please." " All right." " Yeah!" "You're taking the job?" "You got that straight." "Now, I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00." "No, make that six ideas by 4:00." "All right." "Let's move." "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Are you prepared for kumite?" " Yes, Sensei." " Yes, Sensei." "Fighting stance." "Begin." "Winner." "It's open." " Rosses." " Hello, George." "Come in." "Come in." "We tried to call, but the line was busy." "Oh, oh, yeah." "Sure, sure." "Sit down, please." "Cheese there?" "We know the last three months have been hard on you." "Oh, yes, yes, yes." "Very, very hard." "And they've been hard on us too." "It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children." "Yes, I agree." "I hope my parents go long before I do." "That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susan's memory." "Oh, that's wonderful." "And, of course, we want you to be an integral part." "Yes, integ..." "How...?" "How integral?" "You'll be on the board of directors." "Great." "Great." "Oh, oh, oh, gosh, you know, it's just..." "My duties with the Yankees..." "Oh, don't worry, George." "The foundation will revolve around your schedule." "Evening, weekends, whenever you have free time." "I can't believe this is happening." "Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words." "He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..."" " What was it, dear?" " Something about a way, wasn't it?" "And a light and a..." "Who the hell knows." "But what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end." "So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us?" "The second I see him." " Hey." " Hey." "How's your day?" "Good?" "Actually, yeah, I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes." "So Wrath of Khan?" "Yeah, was that a beauty or what?" "What was that line again?" "Something about finding your way in a shadow?" "No, no, no, it's, "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."" "That's it." "That's the line that destroyed my life." "Problem?" "The Rosses have started up a foundation and I have to sit on the board of directors." "Hey, board of directors, look at you." "Yeah, look at me." "I was free and clear." "I was living the dream." "Stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery." "Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise." "Don't you see?" "I'm back in." " All because of Wrath of Khan?" " Yes." "Well, it was the best of those movies." "Khan!" "George?" "George?" "I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation." " Wink?" " Wyck." " Wyck." "Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies." "Well, I..." "I know they have some monies." "They had more than some monies." "Many, many monies." "And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding." "So if Susan and I had..." "I mean, if the envelopes hadn't..." " Then we..." " Yes." " And now?" " Not." "It's all been endowed to the foundation." " Even this townhouse." " This townhouse?" "Yes, this would have been your wedding gift." " And now?" " Not." "Not." "Also endowed." "George, I know how much Susan meant to you." "This can't be easy." "You know, it really can't." "So who broke it off?" "That's the thing." "It was mutual." "Oh, come on." "Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup." " Tell me the truth." " I am." "It was the world's first." "You know, when I heard you got engaged I thought maybe you'd matured, but obviously there's no growth here." "I can't argue with that, but the fact remains I was completely..." "Mulva." " Hello." " Please hold for Elaine Benes." "Oh, I don't believe this." " Jerry?" " Hey." "Hey, guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalogue." " How does it look?" " It's a peach." " What's that?" " I say, it's a peach." "Let me ask you something." "When I told you my breakup was mutual did you believe me?" " No, no, no." "It's weak." "No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it." "I gotta do some research here." "Hey, hey." "Me, talking?" "You know between you and me I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus." "But he believed in me." "You did not." "So as I see it, he's not the doofus you are the doofus." " Oh, I'm the doofus?" " Yes." "You, Jerry, are the doofus." "You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now." "Well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person." "Yeah, that's what I was thinking." "Kramer?" " Elaine." " What are you doing?" "Well, I'm..." "I'm dominating." "You never said you're fighting children." "Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine." "It's the ferocity." "This is what you used to build me up?" "This is where you got all that stupid "katra" stuff?" "No, no, no, that's from Star Trek III." " The Search for Spock." " Search for Spock?" "Yeah, yeah, I know." "Jerry will tell you that the Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I..." " You doofus." "Okay, question number eight:" "What if I told you my fiancée left me for another man?" "Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable?" "Let's start over here this time." "More." "Less." " Same." " Are we about through here?" "I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley." "She had a little change of plans." "What's going on?" "Hey, Timmy, Clara." "That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh?" "Now we finish it." "Get him." "Mama!" "I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo." "All right." "Look, Elaine's here." "I gotta get going." "By the way, I'm not getting married." "Tell Mom." "Bye." "So..." " Did you stop by the dojo?" " Yup." " How's your confidence level?" " Shot." " Self-esteem?" " Gone." "Doofus?" "All right." "So what?" "You put out the catalogue." "How bad could it be?" "What is that?" "The urban sombrero." "I put it on the cover." "Well, nobody sees the cover." "What happened to you?" "I got whupped." "You should have seen the rage in their little eyes." "And those tiny little fists of fury." "What is that?" "It's the new cover of the J. Peterman catalogue." "It is Elaine's choice." "Let's congratulate her." "This is all your fault." "You told me I could run the company." "Well, then I was way off." "Well, I'll see you." "I gotta go lay down." "Are you and George going out later?" "No, he's still stuck at the foundation." "You ought to go down there and help him out." "He's a widower." "Widower?" "Wait a second." "Okay, let's see." "The beach house, 48 acres, Southampton." "That should fetch a fair price." " Would I have had access to that?" " Of course." "Would have been yours." "And now?" "Not." "Got it." " Hello." " Hey, Georgie." "I'm doing some research at the coffee shop." "Your story's the one." " My story?" " Yeah, your widower story has tested through the roof." "When are you getting out of there?" "Excuse me, Wyck, are we almost done here?" "No, no, not even close." "I can't go." "What do you mean, you can't go?" "There's two really cute girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese." "Cheese, George." "Cheese." "Okay, next item, Susan's doll collection." "Estimated value, 2.6 million." "What do you say we go through this doll by doll." "It was nothing unusual." "Every afternoon for the last 24 years I'd shut the door to my office and sneak a little shuteye." "No one was the wiser." "But then my wife gets me this urban sombrero." "The next thing I know, my ass is out on the street." "I tried one too." "I woke up and found my walking papers tacked to the brim." "Stupid J. Pendleton." "It's "Peterman."" "It's J. Peterman." "I never thought a hat would destroy my life." "You know, I can now bite my fingernails so evenly I don't even need to use a clipper anymore." "But it's a pleasure to use clippers." "Why gnaw away like a mental patient when we have this elegant device?" "What if you're in prison?" " You don't think they give clippers?" " No, it's like a weapon." "You know what's really a weapon, that big toenail." "You let that grow for a month, take it in the shower, it's like a shiv." "I love prison." "It is fascinating." "Yeah, maybe someday." "You want me to find a poem about Susan?" "May she rest in peace." "Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the foundation literature." "You have a favourite poet, George?" "I like Flavman." " Pardon?" " Flavman." "Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate... accident." " He cleared his throat?" " Yes." "So?" "He did it right as he said, "Her unfortunate accident."" "Not getting it." "Jerry, a throat clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt." "He thinks I killed Susan." "Oh, help me, Rhonda." " What time is it?" " One-fifteen." "Right now?" "I gotta go meet Pam." "Oh, the bookstore girl." "How's that going?" "Okay." "I'm just not gaga over her." "For once, I'd like to be gaga." "Where's Elaine?" "She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over." "You know, they all have kids now." "What's with all these people having babies?" " Perpetuation of the species." " Yeah, right." " By the way, just for the record..." " No, I did not." "All right." "But because it comes out of your baby, it smells good." "Well, that's..." "That's sweet." "Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful." "Elaine, you gotta have a baby." "Oh, hey, you know I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day and I..." "Elaine, move to Long Island and have a baby already." " I really like the city." " The city's a toilet." "When's the last time you saw my little Adam?" "It was in the Hamptons." " Oh, I have pictures." " No, no, that's okay." "It's..." "Look at him, just look at him." "Elaine was telling me about this whitefish she had the other day." "Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?" "If you really wanna test him out why don't you try the Jerry Lewis trick?" " Jerry Lewis?" " I heard when Jerry left a meeting he'd purposely leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it." "After five minutes, he'd come back, listen to what everyone said." " That's pretty paranoid." " Yes, it is." " I like it." " I thought you might." "Hi, I'm Pam." "You must be Kramer." "Jerry has told me a lot about you." "Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry." "It's my day off." "I work in a bookstore." "Books." "Careful." " Hi." "Sorry I'm late." " Hi." "That's okay." "Kramer let me in." "If we rush, we can still make the movie." "It was really nice meeting you." "I'm in trouble, buddy." "I just met a woman." " Go on." " Well she's Jerry's girlfriend." "Yes, forbidden love." "She works in a bookshop." " Her name is Pam." " Pam." "I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching." "I can't even speak in front of her." "Jerry." "What could she possibly see in Jerry?" "She has delicate beauty." "Jerry wouldn't know delicate if it bludgeoned him over the head." "And yet, he's my friend." "And therein lies the tragedy." "For I believe, sadly for you that there is but one woman meant for each of us." "One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth." "Oh, that's beautiful, Newman." "One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary workaday lives and you, my friend, have found your angel." "I can tell for my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty whom I fear I will never possess." "I thought we were talking about me." "Oh, right." "Kramer, you have to confront Jerry." " Confront Jerry?" "I can't." " You must." " I won't." " You will." ""Elaine, you gotta have a baby."" "Where are the poetry magazines?" "The New York er has poetry." "Yes, The New York er." "Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?" "Well, they're my friends but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent." "Come on." "You wanna have a baby." " Why?" "Because I can?" " It's the life force." "I saw a show on the mollusk last night." "Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk." "You think you're any better?" "Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk." "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying." " Oh, I'm sorry..." " No, no, I think I agree with you." "I mean, all this talk about having babies." "Yeah, like you must procreate." "Besides, anyone can do it." "Oh, it's been done to death." "I should have a poem very soon now." "Are you okay, George?" "No, no." "Not really." "Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad." "Some days I'm haunted by one word:" "Why?" "Why Susan?" "Why wasn't it me licking those invitations?" "Why am I still here?" "But I gotta run." "Now, the stock options for this year look quite..." "Briefcase." "So, Kevin, if I don't want children does that make me a bad humanitarian?" " Not at all." " Because when you get to know me you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian." "You are doing a wonderful job, by the way." " Thanks a lot." " Right?" "Am I right?" "Kramer, Kramer, come here, look at my new friend Kevin." "Oh, you got a little..." " You got..." " Oh, yeah." "I just had two double-fudge sundaes." "Oh, are you all right?" "Yeah, I'll be okay." "You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage." "I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam." "Oh, no, that won't last." " What do you mean?" " He's not gaga." "Let me tell you." "That Jerry Lewis you wonder how people get to the top?" "It's ideas like this." "Brilliant." "Look at this." "What the hell happened?" "The whole side is damaged here, and the lock is broken." " How long did you leave it there?" " Five minutes." "What the hell happened here?" "Play the tape." "Maybe we'll get a clue." "I have to rewind it first." "All right." "All right." "Did anyone notice George's fingernails?" "Oh, my, yes, they look lik e they were eaten away by weevils." "It's kind of hot in here." "Open the window." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Dear God!" "Is that it?" " It stopped dead." " What do you make of it?" "I don't know." "Jerry, can we talk?" "Kind of busy here." " I'd like to talk to Jerry in private." " Why can't I stay?" "Because it doesn't concern you." "Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay." " So, what's on your mind?" " It's Pam." " Pam?" "What about Pam?" " I love her, Jerry." " You what?" " I love her." " Is that right?" " Oh, she's..." "She's real." "She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan." " What does that mean?" " Oh, and that voice." " What about her name?" " Pam?" "Oh, it's a beautiful name." "Pam." "Pam?" "Pam!" " She's got really nice hair." " Oh, it's incredible." "Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies." "I love those." "You've got really specific tastes." "Oh, I know what I want, Jerry." "She got nice calves." "Oh, she's a dreamboat, but you don't like her." "Maybe I could." "You're making some good points." " No, you can't, Jerry." " But I might." " Oh, no, you don't." " Why not?" " The voice, the calves, the bacon." " What?" "I think I can." "I even like the name Pam." "Pam." "Pam." "So now he wants her more than ever." "Blast." "What am I gonna do, huh?" "Don't despair, my friend." "I won't allow your love to go unrequited, not like mine." "What, again with you?" "Sorry." "But love is a spice with many tastes a dizzying array of textures and moments." "If only I could say things like that around her." "Yes." "Well, I hear three distinct sounds:" "A low rumple followed by a metallic squink..." "Yes, yes, I heard the squink." " followed by a mysterious galonk." "It's a real baffler, isn't it?" "Well, one question does come to mind." "Have you considered just asking them what happened to the briefcase?" "They would never tell me." "First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan." "Besides, I don't even think they like me." "That Pam." "I am gaga over her." ""Gaga"?" "When did that happen?" "Yesterday, 6-ish." "Well, maybe we should double." "I'm pretty gaga myself." "You just met the guy yesterday." "Yeah, but we have a common goal." "A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?" "Yeah." "You believe this guy doesn't wanna have kids?" " Yeah, of course." " A guy will say anything to a woman." "Oh, please, he wouldn't say that." "Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase:" ""Pardon my French."" "I once told a woman I don't eat cake because it goes right to my thighs." "Once told a woman I enjoy spending time with my family." "Your looks and my words will have built the perfect beast." "All right." " Oh, hi, Kramer." " Hi, how are you?" "Hi, how are you?" " I'm great." " I too am well." "I too am well." " Do I smell Pantene?" " Do I smell...?" " Pantene!" " Pantene?" "Oh, my shampoo." "Yeah, yeah, you know, it is Pantene." "I got a free sample of it in with my junk mail." "There really is no junk mail." "Everybody wants a check or birthday card..." "It requires just as much manpower to deliver as their precious cards..." "Newman." "What?" "Human." "Human." "It's human to be moved by a fragrance." "That's so true." "Her bouquet cleaved his hardened..." " Shell." " Shell" "And fondled his muscled heart" "He imbibed her glistening spell" "Just before the other shoe fell" "Kramer, that is so lovely." "It's by an unknown 20th century poet." " Oh, what's him name?" " Newman." "Elaine, you changed my life." "Oh, Kevin, you can go on and on about how you don't want kids and it sounds..." "It sounds really nice but the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not." "I got a vasectomy this morning." "Although, I have a hunch you mean it." "I just came by to tell you I'm really, really happy about this relationship." "Really happy." "Oh, well, that's nice." "A velvet scrunchie." "Kramer." "Hello, Newman." "Hello, Jerry." "How's Pam?" "Pam?" "What do you care?" "Well, ta-ta." "Wait a minute." "All right, Newman, this is it." "Steady, Jerry." "Steady." "Wouldn't wanna lose your cool at a time like this." " Why not?" " Because right now I'm the only chance you've got." "Come on." "I can't believe I'm losing Pam." "I know how you feel for I too have a woman for whom I pine." " I thought we were talking about me." " Right." "Anyway, I don't need your help." "Oh, don't you, joke boy?" "You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused, nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?" "All right, Newman." "What do I to get you to stop pulling strings for Kramer?" "Well, there is a little something you can do for me." "Come on, out with it." "It's about Elaine." "Elaine?" "What does she have to...?" "Oh, no." "You dated her." "Give me some inside information." "Anything I can use." "Well, I know she doesn't wanna have kids." "I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it." "I know." "I don't want... kids." " What was that?" " Well Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt." "I mean, nothing is 100 percent." "This is." " Oh, boy, I always do this." " What?" "I get all jazzed up about something, and I go way too far with it." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "Like last summer, I'm watching TV and I saw one of those jet skis." "Four thousand dollars later, and it's sitting in my garage." "You know, that's weird actually, because I'm sort of the same way." "I mean, once for, like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time." "Sometimes I think I do want kids, maybe a lot of kids." "Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short." "Yeah, I think I like short hair, really short." " Yeah." " Yeah." "This is a crude mock-up of the conference room." "One-fourteenth scale." "When did you build this thing?" "Yesterday." "Took the day off." "Now, from the time that I left the room..." " Wait." "That's you?" " Yeah." "I think the MM should be you." "All right, whatever." "Now, whatever caused the damage it was jarring enough to completely stop the tape." " And?" " Okay." "That's what we know." " But we already knew that." " Well, yeah." "Just give me some idea what you think it could be." " I don't know if you're ready for it." " Please." "I believe that I'm about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation the likes of which..." " Hold it." "You're right." "I'm not ready." " Yeah?" " It's Pam." "Come on up." "All right, it's Pam." "You gotta get going." "I'm not through here, Jerry." "I'm gonna keep on investigating." "This thing is like an onion." "The more layers you peel, the more it stinks." "What was that?" "We were just playing." "Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today." "Well, the thing is I..." "I think I have a little crush on him." "I'm so happy." "My world suddenly has meaning." "This is the man you have a crush on?" "Well, I have feelings for both of you." "You have feelings for him?" "We're soul mates." "Why can't I be a soul mate?" "Jerry, you really think Pam would want you to be the father of her children?" "Children?" "Who said anything about children?" "I don't wanna have children." "There are people in this room who would've been very happy to never see this briefcase again." "There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it." "Well, let me tell you something about those people." "They weren't counting on this brain and this tape recorder." " George..." " You'll have your turn." "The truth must be heard." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Dear God!" "That's all there was and yet it speaks volumes." "A low rumple a metallic squink a galonk and someone crying out, "Dear God!"" "Let's start with..." "With you, Wyck." "George, Quinn here was moving a chair." "He lost his balance and dropped it." "It must have fallen on your briefcase which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder." "All right then." "We've gotten to the bottom of that." "What are you guys doing here?" "We're getting vasectomies." " Why?" " I'm doing it for you." " What?" " What did you do to your hair?" "I cut it." "It's a little short." "You think?" "What are you doing here?" "Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed." " Reversed?" " Reversed?" "He imbibed her glistening spell" "Just before the other shoe fell" "Is that a Keats poem?" "No, it's a Newman." "Well, I gotta run." "Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?" "Oh, yeah, I just assumed he murdered her." " Of course he killed her." " So it's not just me then." "All right." "Back to business." "All right, how about this?" "You're abducted by aliens." " Fine." " Haul you aboard the mothership take you back to their planet as a curiosity." "Now, would you rather be in their zoo or their circus?" "I gotta go zoo." "I feel like I could set more of my own schedule." "In the circus, you get to ride on the train, see the whole planet." "I'm wearing a little hat." "I'm jumping through fire." "Putting their little alien heads in my mouth." " At least it's show business." " Yeah." "But in the zoo, you know, they might put a woman in there with me to, you know, get me to mate." "What if she's got no interest in you?" "Then I'm pretty much where I am right now." "Just got to take a ride on a spaceship." "George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?" "Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in Midtown." "He knows." "It's right in there, on the left." "Exquisite marble, high ceilings and a flush like a jet engine:" "Now, listen, you better not wait." "I'll catch you later." " You sure?" " He knows." "Nice." "Why don't you try your engagement story?" " Won't work." " Are you sure?" "He knows." "Look, Kevin, I really like you but maybe we'd be better off just being friends." " Friends?" " Yeah." "I mean..." "Oh, God this tuna tastes like an old sponge." "Friends." "Yeah." "Why not friends?" "I might like to try that." "Like you and Jerry." "This damn thing is jammed again." "You know what happens with these?" "The rollers, they get flat spots on them." "Hey, Leland wants everyone in the conference room now." " Come on, let's go." " Oh, yeah." "Okay." "I was telling you about Gillian my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue." "I really think you should give her a call." "I don't know, do you have it...?" " Not bad." "What does she...?" " I put her stats on the back." "Pretty impressive." "Serious boyfriend, '92 to '95." " Owns her own car." " Yup." "Favourite president, James Polk." "Let me see that." "So how'd it go with Kevin?" "Did you steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?" "You are not gonna believe this." "I told him that I just wanted to be friends." "He's fine with it." "He really wants to be friends." " Why would anybody want a friend?" " It's really not that bad, actually." "He said he'd go to the Museum of Miniatures." "This is something you would never, ever do." "I mean, all that stuff is so small." "Stupid." "You know, if I told my engagement story to that receptionist but told her this was my fiancée..." " What?" " Don't you see?" "Women like that are like members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city." "People like me have not been inside in thousands of years." "But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own." "My hand's been stamped." "I come and go as I please." "Well, you've cracked it." "I warned the queen you were getting close and now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city." " Can I keep this?" " No, I need it." "Thanks." "Hi." "I'm..." "I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandalay." "I'm sorry, sir, there is no Mr. Vandalay here." "Well, let me..." "Let me just check and make sure I have the right name." "I seem to..." "Oh, I..." "Oh, she's beautiful." "Who is she?" "Well, if you must know, she was my fiancée, Susan." "May she rest in peace." "I am so sorry." "She was lovely." " I'm Amanda." " I'm George." " Good work today, K-Man." " You know what they say:" "You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle." " Who's up for drinks?" "I'm buying." " In that case, make mine a double." " Jerry?" " Gillian." " Hi." " It's very nice to meet you." "It's nice to meet you." "She had man-hands." " Man-hands?" " The hands of a man." "It's like a creature out of Greek mythology." "I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast." "Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?" "Would she have hooks?" "Do..." "Do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?" "Kind of cool-looking." "Okay, listen." "You're picking me up from White Plains tomorrow, right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay, I got five huge boxes of buttons." "If you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call." " Kramer?" " Hey, buddy." "Hey." "It's 8 in the morning." "What the hell is going on?" "Breakfast." "I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by 9." "Why?" "Because I'm working there, that's why." "How long have I been asleep?" "What year is it?" "Look, Jerry, I don't know if you've noticed but lately I've been drifting aimlessly." "Now that you mention it..." "But I finally realized what's missing in my life." "Structure." "And at Brandt-Leland, I'm getting things done." "And I love the people I'm working with." " How much are they paying you?" " No, no, no." "I don't want any pay." "I'm doing this just for me." "Clearly." "So, what do you do down there all day?" "TCB." "You know, taking care of business." "I gotta go." "All right, then." "I'll see you tonight." "Forget my briefcase." " Well, what do you got in there?" " Crackers." "So the picture worked." "Amazing!" "Hey, she wants me to dress smart casual." "What...?" "What is that?" " I don't know, but you don't have it." " Right." "Bye." " Where were you today?" " What?" "Pick up." " Damn." " So?" "Where were you?" "Here, I guess." "And I went out and picked up a paper." "I had to ask Kevin to leave his office and come and pick me up." " Well, what are friends for?" " Yes." "And he is a friend, Jerry." "He's reliable, he's considerate, he's like your exact opposite." "So he's Bizarro Jerry." "Bizarro Jerry?" "Yeah, like Bizarro Superman." "Superman's exact opposite who lives in the backwards Bizarro World." "Up is down, down is up." "He says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives." "Shouldn't he say "badbye"?" "Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?" "No, it's still goodbye." " Does he live underwater?" " No." " Is he black?" " Just forget the whole thing, all right?" "Wow, man." "What a day." " Could I use a drink!" " Tough day at the office?" "People kept coming in, and that phone just wouldn't stop." "We better get going if we're gonna go to that 7:00 Hall of Fusion." "Yeah, well, count me out." "I'm swimming in it." "Old man Leland is busting my hump over these reports." "If I don't get them done by 9, I'm toast." "All right, I have to go." "Oh, and listen, could you keep it down to a low roar?" "Some of us have to work in the morning." "Thanks." "This is a fantastic place." "I always thought it was a meat-packing plant." "Hey, Amanda." "These are my friends, Annabell, Justina and Mickey." " We used to model together." " Oh, modelling." "What's that like, fun?" "Stupid." "Stupid." "Stupid." "So, Mickey, how was Paris this time?" "A bore." "You know who used to love Paris?" "My dead fiancée, Susan." "In fact, I think I may have a picture of her." "She was beautiful." "Do you wanna dance?" " Would you like some bread, Jerry?" " No." "No, thanks, I'm just not hungry." "Well, then, at least drink your beer." "It's not a twist-off." "You have a little something on your face." "I can get it." "No, no, no." "You're missing it." "It's higher." "It's an eyelash." "Make a wish." " I don't want to." " Make a wish." "Okay." "Didn't come true." "Don't you just love lobster?" "That Museum of Miniatures was amazing." " I know, it was so tiny." " Yeah." "Hey, guys." "Elaine, sit down." "These are a couple of my friends." "This is Gene and this guy we just call Feldman." "Bizarro World." "Jerry, it was incredible." "Models as far as the eye could see." " Then it does exist." " Yes, the legends are true." "When are you going out with her again?" "I'm not." "I'm inside the walls." "So you're gonna burn that bridge." " Flame on!" " So when are we going?" "Well, it's a pretty fast-paced crowd." "What would you wear?" "That?" "You know, I'm the one who's actually dating the woman in the picture." "Yeah." "But I was engaged to her." " I got it." " You got it last time." "Don't worry about it." "This is unbelievable." "Say, Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?" "Well, I gotta say, I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman." "I don't know." "It's not practical." "Well, see you later, Elaine." "Feldman and I gotta get down to the library." " What are you gonna do down there?" " Read." "Hello." "So Gillian's coming over later." "I'm gonna end it." "Those meaty paws." "I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele." "Yeah." "Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator and sell tickets." "That's nice." "Kramer, put the paper down." "You never listen to me anymore." " We hardly even talk." " Well, we're talking now, aren't we?" " I see you 20 minutes in the morning..." " Oh, here we go." "...and when you come home you're exhausted." " We never do anything anymore." " What are you starting with me for?" "You know this is my crazy time of year." "It's your third day." "I gotta go to work." "We'll talk about this later." "Well call if you're gonna be late." " What is going on with you two?" " Oh, I don't wanna talk about it." "All right, listen." "Have you seen my addre...?" "There it is." "Okay." "I got it." "I'll see you later." "Hey, wait a second." "Where you going?" "I hardly ever see you anymore." "Well, I..." "I guess I've been at Reggies." "The Bizarro coffee shop?" "Kevin and his friends are nice people." "They do good things." " They read." " I read." "Books, Jerry." "Big deal." "I can't spend the rest of my life to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event." "Why not?" "Like, yesterday, I went to the bank to make a deposit and the teller gives me this look..." " I'll see you later, man." "I gotta go." "The whole system is breaking down." "Hey." "Amanda, hi, yeah." "Listen, you know, I'm thinking we might just be better off being friends." "Yeah." "Yeah." "You know what?" "I can't really talk about it right now." "Bye-bye." "No." "No!" " Friends?" "Just friends." " Yeah." "All right." "Well, do you still wanna see a movie later?" "I wish I could, but we're friends." " I'm just gonna go wash my hands." " Good idea." "There's a beach towel on the rack." " Yeah." " Jerry!" "My hair dryer ruined the picture." "I need one or I can't get back into the forbidden city." "Who is this?" "Jerry!" "I need you to get another picture of man-hands." "I'm begging you." "If I get it, will you take me to that club and show me a good time?" "Yes, yes, all right." "Anything." "Okay." "Got it." "Jerry." " Hey, Jerry?" " I'm right here." " You're late." " Yeah, well, I got held up, you know." " What happened to your hand?" " Like you care." " Work piled up, I lost track of the time." " Sure." "Sure." "You and your work." "Elaine's off in the Bizarro World George only calls when he wants something and I'm left sitting here like this chicken." "Which, by the way, was for two." " What?" "You cooked?" " I ordered in." "It's still effort." " Jeez." " What's wrong?" " It's my stomach." " You're probably getting an ulcer." "This job is killing you." "It's killing us." "You know what?" "You're right." "These reports, they can wait." "Say we go out tonight." "Any place you want." " The coffee shop?" " You got it." "I'll call George." "Hey, isn't that Elaine?" "Maybe she can get another picture." " Elaine?" " Elaine?" " Elaine?" " Hey, Elaine." "Hi." "Over here." "Jerry, George, Kramer this is Kevin, Gene and Feldman." " Yeah." " Nice to meet you." "This is really weird." "Could you guys excuse us just for a moment?" " Sure." " Thanks." "What?" "What do you guys want?" "I've got to have another picture of Gillian." "I tried to get him one, but man-hands almost ripped my arm out." " You could have." " I could not." "Guys, I gotta go." "Take it easy." "Elaine?" " Can I come?" " I'm sorry." "We've already got a George." "What did you wanna see me about, Mr. Leland?" "Kramer, I've been reviewing your work." "Quite frankly, it stinks." "Well, I..." "I've been having trouble at home." "I mean, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes." "No." "No." "I don't think that's going to do it." "These reports you handed in it's almost as if you have no business training at all." "I don't know what this is supposed to be." "Well, I'm just trying to get ahead." "Well, I'm sorry." "There's just no way that we could keep you on." "But I don't even really work here." "That's what makes this so difficult." "Hi, I'm George." "Are you sure you're supposed to be here?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "I used to come here with my fiancée back when it was a meat-packing plant." "Here's her picture." "What'd you do?" "Cut this out of a magazine or something?" " What?" " That's me." "It's from a Clinique ad I did." "Look at that." "Let's go." "Private party." "It's Laney." " Hi, Elaine." " Hi, Kevin." " Come on in." " Okay." "Hi, Gene." " What's up?" " Just reading." "Hey, what are you doing?" " Eating olives." " Ever hear of asking?" " Who is it?" " Feldman." " From across the hall." " Hold on." " Hey." " Hey, Kevin." " Hi." " Look who I ran into." " Hello, Kevin." " Hello, Vargas." " Wanna catch a game this weekend?" " Great." " I'll see you later." " Okay." "Vargas." " Well, I got them." " All right." "Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi." " Fourth row, centre." " Get out!" " What's the matter with you?" " Oh, Kevin." "I'm so sorry." "Is there anything I can do?" "Haven't you done enough already?" "I'll just..." "It's..." "It's locked." "So this is it, huh?" "But it was here." "It was here, I'm telling you." "It was really here." "There was a bar and a dance floor." "I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw?" "Let's get out of here, George." "At work, I discovered a pay phone in the lobby that has free long distance." "Oh, so, what did you do?" "I called the phone company and immediately reported the error." "Nice." " Who is it?" " Feldman." " From across the hall." " Hold on." " Kevin." "Brought you some groceries." " Again?" " Feldman, you didn't have to do that." " Hey, what are friends for?" "You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have." "Me so happy." "Me want to cry." " I wouldn't walk over there." " Why not?" "Because it's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk." "A cab hops a curb:" "You've had your last egg sandwich." "What about over there?" "You know, air conditioners fall out all the time." "I'd much rather get hit by an 80-pound air conditioner than a two-ton cab." "No, no, cab's coming up right here." "Plastic hips, prosthetic legs, a monkey to answer the phone I'm back in business." "I'd much rather take one in the head, like I did in '79." "You were living in the Village then, right?" "I don't really remember." "Toxic-waste green." "That is disgusting." "You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction." "Well, then, you're driving me wild." "I had them done for the Peterman bash I'm throwing." "Why are you having a party?" "Oh, I drive my people hard, and then I reward them." " Like with dogs." " Yeah, exactly." "Party?" " Yeah." " Food?" " Bar?" " Yeah." "George?" "He's gonna show up anyway." "George, I just don't want you interfering." "How could I possibly interfere?" "Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?" "These are fantastic." "Fantastic." "I'd love to get a jump on the next batch." "Where do you come out of?" "She's been ignoring this section all evening." " Quesadilla?" " No, thanks." " Hi, my name is George." " Anna." "I don't recall seeing you around the office." "Do you work in the mailroom?" "Not quite. I..." "I'm a friend of Elaine Benes." "Oh, that's nice." "Excuse me." "So..." " How about leading us in a toast?" " Oh, sure." "Hey, guys, I wanna make a toast." "Here's to those who wish us well and those who don't can go to hell." "All right." "Who's dancing?" "Come on, who's dancing?" "You want...?" "You want me to get it started?" "I'll get it started." "All right." "Come on, guys." "What's the holdup?" "Sweet, fancy Moses." "Hey." "You get the tickets?" " Who needs two?" " Oh, mamacita!" "Let me see them." " Special sneak preview of Death Blow." " Death Blow." "When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are but because of different reasons altogether." "Yeah?" "Come on up." "Jerry, you think you could get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?" "You know what I had to go through?" "But he's a big fan of the genre." "You know, I'd consider it a personal favour to me." "Yeah, I guess I do owe you." "Yeah." "You want me to stay here until George gets up?" " No, I'm okay." " There's no problem, really." "I'm fine." " He's right in there, boy." " Yeah, okay." "Hey, how was the party?" "The food was good." "Yeah, so I didn't miss anything?" "Well, actually, you did miss one little nugget of entertainment." "Have you ever seen Elaine dance?" "Elaine danced?" "It was more like a full-body dry heave set to music." "Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?" " Wait, you mean you know about this?" " For some time." "It was about five years ago." "I never knew what to say to her about it." "It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away." "Sometimes you can't help these people until they hit rock bottom." "By then you've lost interest." "Take a ride with me later." "I borrowed my father's car, '68 GTO." "What made him get that?" "During that period when my folks were separated, he went a little crazy." "Not a very long trip." " Brody's in." " I don't even have the extra ticket yet." "Well, you better get on the horn." "I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm getting a vibe." "If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me." "How could that be?" "Well, Jerry, I mean, it's like the feeling is palpable." "Could it have to do with the party?" "No, George was there." "He said he had a great time." "It's George." "I bet you this is somehow George-related." " Oh, what are you talking about?" " He's like a virus." "He attaches himself to a healthy host company and the next thing you know, the entire staff is infected." "Now you're talking crazy." "All right." "Then if that's not what it is, you tell me." "What is it?" "There's my call waiting, I gotta get going." "Bye-bye." "Have a minute to approve some copy?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure, sure." "So did you have a good time at the party last night?" "It was a real kick." "Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George?" "As a matter of fact, I did." "Well, listen, you would be wise to keep your distance from him." "Why?" "He seems harmless." "Oh, he's not." "He's very harmful." " Really?" " Oh, trust me." "He's a bad seed, he's a horrible seed." "He's one of the worst seeds I've seen." "And you two are friends?" "Yeah, we're good friends." "So this Anna called me from out of the blue." " Really?" "I thought you were rebuffed." " With extreme prejudice." " Maybe Elaine put in a good word." " No." "See, that's the thing." "Anna told me Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen." "Interesting." "She doesn't care for you." "Then a stern warning." "Suddenly a phone call." "Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy." "And Anna digs the bad boy." "I'm the bad boy." "I've never been the bad boy." "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend." "Yes." "Yes, yes." "Bad fiancé, bad dinner guest, bad credit risk." "Okay, the point is made." "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen." "The bad tipper." "Half of show business is here." "Oh, there's Brody." "Brody, over here." " Hey, Kramer." " Yeah." "And you must be Jerry." "Thanks for the ticket." "That's quite a feedbag you're working on there." "It's for all of us." "Is there a problem?" "Brody." "Brody, come on, he's just kidding." "He's a joke maker." "Tell him, Jerry." "I'm a joke maker." "All right, here we go." "Death Blow." "Hey." "What the hell is he doing?" "Relax, he does that all the time." "Does what?" "He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street." "May I see you outside for a moment, please?" " No, I want to watch the movie." " Outside!" "Come on." " Hey, have you seen Anna?" " Just left to meet your friend George." "To meet George?" " I knew it." "Where did they go?" " The park, why?" "Don't you see?" "George is in the bloodstream." "You stay away from him too." "What do you mean, bootlegging?" "It's a perfectly legitimate business." " It's not legitimate." " It's a business." " Where did you meet this guy?" " Friend of a friend." "You know Corky Ramirez up on 94th?" "He and I are playing pachinko..." "Kramer." "Man, we're missing the deathblow!" "I don't believe it." "You know, I'm not supposed to be talking to you." "No one's putting a gun to your head." "Do I scare you?" "No." "A little." "Nice car." "Yeah." "She's a sweet ride." "Is that your orthopaedic back pillow?" "Maybe." "Well, is it, or isn't it?" "I guess not." " Stay away from her." " I didn't do nothing." " Get in the car." " But..." "You heard me, young lady." "Get in the car." "And you!" "You should know better." "I don't want you infecting my staff." "Lighten up." "Go get them, Death Blow." "So, Death Blow, we meet again." "Are you okay?" "I got a cramp." "Well, it's no wonder." "You ate that entire bag of candy." "There it goes again." " Kramer, you gotta drive me home." " What is going on over here?" "Jerry, finish shooting the movie for me." "Are you nuts?" "No way I'm holding that thing." "Jerry, the man is in pain." "If he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would have eaten some." "Serves him right." "What are you, some kind of tough guy?" "Okay." "Let's everybody just relax." " Take the camera." " All right, I'm taking the camera." "All right, come on, let's go." "Thanks, buddy." "Oh, man." "Hey." "How was the rest of Death Blow?" " How was the rest of Death Blow?" " Who got the final deathblow?" "I thought that Hawaiian guy had it coming to him." "You make me get a ticket for this friend and then the guy forces me to bootleg a movie at gunpoint?" "He's quite a character, isn't he?" "He came by here at 3:00 in the morning to pick up the tape." "I was scared out of my mind." "I'll get it." " Yup." " It's Brody." "Yeah, come on up." "It's Brody, he's coming." "Are you crazy?" "I don't want to see this guy again." "Jerry, you did him a favour." "He probably wants to thank you." "What if I didn't do it right?" "It's your first time." "He'll understand." "People with guns don't understand." "That's why they get guns." "Too many misunderstandings." " Hey, Brody." " Hi." "I have to talk to you about the tape." " Yeah." " I've never seen such beautiful work." " What?" " You're a genius." "The zoom-ins, the framing, I was enchanted." "Well I did the best I could." "I got another project for you." "Here, go ahead." "It's called Cry, Cry Again." "I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility." " May I use your phone?" " Yeah, yeah." "It's under the couch." "Look at you." "You got another gig, huh?" "I don't want another gig." "I'm not doing this." "But you have a gift." "Look, Jerry, this is not your little comedy act." "We're talking feature films here." "We're talking federal crime here." "I'll expect that tape by 3:00 tomorrow." " May I borrow this, please?" " Yeah, yeah, sure." "You need a glove?" ""I pressed through the rushes, and there the native dancers whirled before me limbs flailing, arms akimbo feet kicking up dust."" "What?" "What is so funny?" "Sorry, I got hung up." "At Yankee Stadium." "This?" "It's mine." "Oh, really?" "Because it looks a little big for you." "It looks like something a short, stocky slow-witted, bald man might wear." "He's not stocky." "Who did that?" "Who did that?" "The French guy fell off his bike." "Oh, man, that's precious." "No, no, no no, no, no." "What were you thinking when you shot this?" " What?" "That's fine." " You know what this scene is about?" "Yeah, it's about a guy buying a loaf of bread." "No." "Bread is his soul." "He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul." "Wha..." "Where?" "No way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it." " He's not gonna know the difference." " I don't care about Brody." "I was up on 96th Street today." "There was a kid, couldn't have been more than 10 years old." "He was asking a vendor if he had any other bootlegs that looked as good as Death Blow." "That's who I care about." "The little kid who needs bootlegs." "His parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted." "So you'll do the movie?" "Oh." "Oh, man." "I sat in gum." "I have to." "But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing." " Where are my Magic Markers?" " Right here." "Well, I have lost complete control of my staff." "Why did I let George go to that party?" "I mean, we were having so much fun." "I mean, we were wining, we were dining, we were dancing." "Please." " What?" " This... thing." " It's dancing." " No, no." "That ain't dancing, sally." "I dance fine." "You stink." "He doesn't know what he's talking about." "Jerry?" "Jerry?" "I'm a good dancer, right?" "I forgot to make my bed." "Jerry, do I stink?" "All right." "You're beyond stink." "But I really enjoy dancing." "And that's not helping either." "That's why you're having trouble with your staff, not because of George." "It's that bad?" "Have you ever seen yourself?" "Please, please." "Not in my home." "I gotta throw this stuff in the laundry." "I'll be right back." "I have George Costanza still holding." "George, hi." "I have Anna here." "There's something I want to say to both of you." "Yo, Anna." "Hi, George, what are you up to?" "You don't wanna know." "Well, listen, I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart, and I just wanted to apologize." "What...?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person." "Pick up the phone, Elaine." "Pick up." "I never should have given the impression..." " Pick it up!" "...you're a bad seed I mean, you're a fine seed." "Elaine, get off the speak er!" " What?" " You are ruining everything." "What?" "I'm trying to help." "Why are you being so difficult?" "Yeah, yeah." "That's it." "More of that." "Difficult, I'm a difficult seed." "George, I don't have time for this." "Anna, do you want to talk to George?" " I don't think so." " No, she doesn't want to." " Okay." "Bye, George, we'll see you." " I'm a bad man." "So where's the tape?" "Oh, I didn't shoot this one." "I'm just scouting the location." " I need the tape." " You'll get your tape." "But here's what I need." "I'm gonna need three cameras two on the floor, one in the balcony, and I want headsets for the guys running them." "I want to be able to talk to them." "Are you out of your mind?" " Kramer, I..." "You know..." " Yeah." "I know, Jerry, it's okay." "Yeah, look, Brody, Jerry wants to do the bootleg." "He's dying to do it, but if you don't make him happy, the work suffers and then nobody's happy." "Just shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street." "That's it." "I can't work like this." " Jerry..." " I'm off the project." "Jerry!" " I want the tape." " Yeah, I..." "I know." "Well, I'm the good boy again." "Can you believe that?" "They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs." "Anna actually has respect for me now." "It's all over." "The whole business has changed." "It's all about money now." "The sad thing is, it's the kids that suffer." "Listen, man, you gotta shoot this movie for me." "Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane." "I'm not doing this anymore." "I don't know what I was thinking." "It's illegal, it's dangerous..." "Did you say dangerous?" "I'm a bootlegger." " You're a what?" " Bootlegging a movie, baby." "Isn't that illegal?" "I could do hard time for this one." "And community service." "Is this your FiberCon?" "Get out of my way!" "Jerry, George got arrested." " What?" " Yeah." "He went down at the Beekman." "He tried to lam, but they cheesed him." "Oh, now I see." " Yeah?" " It's Brody." "I'm coming up." "What are we gonna do?" "Well, I gotta give him something." "Come on." "Where's that tape I shot?" "I think that's it." "Let's check it out." "Sweet, fancy Moses." "Jerry, she taped over the whole ending." " Where's the tape?" " Well, it's..." " Is that it?" " Yeah, yeah." "Here it is, Brody." "One copy of Cry, Cry Again." "How'd it turn out?" " Great." " Great, yeah." "Although the whole story kind of comes apart at the end there." "Out of nowhere there's this dancer who appears to be injured." "Yeah." "It's a disturbing image." "Yeah." "So you cry, and then when you see the dancing you cry again." "It's all right, George." "You'll pay a fine, and that'll be it." "Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that?" " Anna." " Oh, thanks for coming to pick me up." " I can explain." " All right." "We'll talk about it at the office." " Okay, where's my boy?" " Oh, my God." "I'm sitting at home reading a periodical, and this is the call I get?" "My son is a bootlegger?" "Ow, Dad!" " Who put you up to this?" "Was it her?" " All right." "Wait, I think you've got it backwards." "George isn't clever enough to hatch this." " You got that right." " What the hell does that mean?" "That means whatever the hell you want it to mean." "You saying you want a piece of me?" "I could drop you like a bag of dirt." "You want a piece of me?" "You got it!" "But he's an old man, Elaine." "Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it." "Here's that bootlegged Death Blow that I shot." " Cry, Cry Again, I want to see that." " No, you don't." " You shot Death Blow?" " Yeah." " It was brilliant." " Thank you." " You were big." " I'm still big." "It's the bootlegs that got small." " How are things at the office?" "Normal?" " Pretty much." "Although I still get the vibe once in a while." "Oh, I wouldn't worry about it." "Boy, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle." "Guess there's not much action there these days." "Oh, there's action." "There's plenty of action." "It's that damn alien autopsy stealing the headlines." "Yeah, tell me about it." "See, what they gotta do is lose a plane or a Greenpeace boat." "See, that would get the Triangle going again." "What keeps the water there?" "I mean, why doesn't that disappear?" "Now, what would be the point of taking the water?" "It's gorgeous water." "Do we own Bermuda?" "No, it belongs to the British." "Lucky Krauts." "What do you think of that autopsy?" " Oh, that's real." " I think so too." "The doctor will be with you in a moment." ""Difficult"?" "Elaine, you shouldn't be reading that." "Now, tell me about this rash of yours." "Well, it's..." "It's..." "You know, I notice that someone wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of '92." "I have to tell you, I remember that appointment exactly." "You see, this nurse had asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and actually I had specifically worn a tank top so that I wouldn't have to put a gown on." "You know, they're made of paper." "Well, that was a long time ago." "How about if I just erase it?" "Now, about that rash?" "But it was in pen." "You fake erased." "All right, Miss Benes." "This doesn't look too serious." "You should be fine." "What are you writing?" "Doctor?" " Here you go." " Thanks." "I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt." "Jerry, what's the matter with your stereo?" "I don't know." "What's the matter with your stereo?" "I traded it to Lomez for some steaks." " Hey." " Hey." " Now, see, this is busted." " No, it works." " It's busted." " Watch." "Let me show you." "All you gotta do is..." "You gotta jiggle it with this screwdriver." "Smile." " What are you doing?" " I met this woman Sheila." "She works down at the one-hour photo place." "She's got this incredible smile, like she's got too many teeth." "Extra teeth." "I love that." "And check this out." "I go to pick up my pictures and she says:" ""I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."" " What mustard stain?" " Don't you see?" "She's looking at my pictures." "Why did you take a picture of a stain?" " It's got nothing to do with this." " I see, she's looking." "Yes." "You gotta get this fixed." "They've tried." "It keeps coming back the same." " You interested in a refund?" " I can't get a refund." " The warranty expired two years ago." " Would you be interested?" " How you gonna...?" " Would you?" " I guess I would." " Yeah, yeah." "You are not gonna believe what happened to me at the doctor's office today." "Not the gown again?" "No." "No." "I was looking at my chart, and it said that I was difficult." "Why would they write that?" "They've gotten to know you." "Then the doctor writes more stuff down there and he doesn't even look at my rash." "Find one that doesn't know you're difficult." "Come on." "I'm not difficult." "I'm easy." "Because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?" " Listen, you little sh..." " Smile." "Elaine, you really didn't have to put on the gown." "It's my pleasure." "I love these." "In fact, I've got one at home." "It's perfect when you wanna throw something on." " Hi." " Thank you." "All right." "Let me just review your history before we begin." "Oh, where did you get my chart?" "From your last doctor." "It's standard procedure." "You know, I can tell you my whole history." "Let's just..." "Okay." "Let's take a look." "Well, that doesn't look too serious." "You'll be fine." "Please, please." "It..." "But it's really, really itchy." "Oh, no." " Seinfeld?" " Yeah." "Got a package for you." "Sign here." " Oh, who's it from?" " No return address." "What if I don't want it?" "Are you refusing delivery?" " Maybe I am." " Why would you do that?" " Never done it before." " Why start?" "Why not?" "All right." "Why'd you refuse that?" "Everybody loves a package." "I don't know." "It was weird." "Crazy printing." "I don't know who from." "What do you think?" "It's a bomb?" "It's not totally impossible." "The ego on you." " Why can't I be bomb-able?" " Who's gonna bomb you?" "An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes?" "Oh, I suppose you think you're bomb-able?" "Couple people wouldn't mind having me out of the way." "There's more than a couple." "Check these out." "I just picked them up from Sheila." "She must have loved these." " You don't have a Mercedes." " Just leaned on it so it'd look like mine." "The driver seems put out." "No, he was fine with it." "Check this out." "Is that Burt Reynolds?" "Wax Museum." " What is this?" " That is a lot of skin." "This must be Sheila from the photo place." " You can barely see her face." " She must have slipped it in." " Photo-store Sheila." " Well, hello, photo-store Sheila." "All right." "I will see you boys later." " Where are you going?" " To ask her out." " No, no." "You're not playing the game." " What game?" "She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is, "I really like your picture." "Would you like to go out on a date with me, please?"" " No good?" " It's the timeless art of seduction." "You gotta join in the dance." "She sends you an enticing photo you send her one right back." " Oh, I don't know." "Well, as you know, I've always been something of a photog." "Oh, yeah, I like this idea." "Hey, Danny." " Hello." "How are you?" " Hey, Leo." "What's with your nephew?" "He wouldn't accept the package." "He wants it." "He's just trying to be funny." "Yeah, I'll sign for it." "And then he started writing on my chart." "Just get ahold of it and change what you don't like." "You can't change your chart." "It's your chart." "I'm in my personnel file all the time." " You are?" " I've kept the same job over two years." "It's not luck." "Have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone?" "Yeah." "I sent one to everyone I know." "You remember my Christmas card?" "Oh, right." "The nipple." "Aside from that, how did you feel about Kramer's work?" "Actually, I thought he was professional." " It was a good experience?" " Yeah." "I liked the picture so much I cropped out the nipple." "I'm using it for my health-club ID." " Nice." " Yeah, it is nice actually." "I've gotta see Dr. Berg right away." " This rash is spreading." " He can't see you." "He's busy." "Oh, come on." "Have some compassion." "Well, I hope it's contagious then." "Come on." "Move." "Oh, hi, Dr. Berg." " I didn't know if..." " The chart, Miss Benes." "Oh, please, no more." " Hey." " Where's Kramer?" "He went to get some steak sauce." "Why?" "Personal matter." " Hello." " Jerry, it's your Uncle Leo." "Hello." "Hello, Leo." "You don't have to yell." "I got your package." " How did you get my package?" " Leo's got your package?" " What should I do?" " I don't know what you should do." "Tell him to open it." "I'm not gonna treat my uncle like a bomb-defusing robot." "Jerry, your cousin Jeffrey is in a Parks Department production of The Mikado." "I want you to come see it with me." " Open the package, Leo." " Okay." "Opening." "So it wasn't a bomb?" "No." "No bomb." " Well, then, what?" " Oh, stupid Leo." "He was using those oven cleaners." "He left the canister in there." "The pilot light was on." "The whole thing blew up." " But he's okay?" " Yeah." "The explosion singed off his eyebrows, moustache, everything." "He's all smooth now." "Looks like a seal." "Yes." "Hi, yeah, I'm still holding." "Is this my stereo?" "Oh, hey, you got it." "Hey, what happened to my stereo?" "It's all smashed up." "That's right." "Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400." "You were supposed to get me a refund." "You can't get a refund." "Your warranty expired two years ago." "So we're gonna make the post office pay for my new stereo now?" " It's a write-off for them." " How is it a write-off?" "They just write it off." "Write it off what?" "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything." "You don't even know what a write-off is." " Do you?" " No, I don't." "But they do." "And they're the ones writing it off." "I wish I had the last 20 seconds of my life back." "What?" "What?" "He doesn't have one appointment this whole month?" "Oh, come on." "I'm dying here, man." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Still no luck?" "Jerry, that was Dr. Zimmerman." "I'm at the end of the alphabet." "There's no Zorn or Zutroff?" "They're on vacation." "Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am." "Hey, what about Dr. Resnick?" "My Uncle Leo's gonna see him tomorrow." "Dr. Resnick." "He's not listed." "He's not that good." "Elaine said you were pretty good at this stuff." "Oh, yeah." "Elaine was a fun project." "I enjoyed working with her." " You don't have your own camera?" " No." "Oh, boy, look at this." "Yeah." "Okay." "This looks good." "Very, very, good." "And I like what you're wearing." " I feel fat." " No, no." "You're stout." "The camera loves stoutness." "Look, we're not gonna do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable." "The key word is "tasteful."" "Now, I want to you relax and have fun because you're a fun guy." "All right." "Let's do it, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay." "Come on." "Feel the beat." "Feel the beat." "All right." "You know, you got real strong pecs, but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt." " You want me to take it off?" " Well, I don't know." "It's up to you." " It would be better?" " Might be." "Whatever you want." " All right." "Come on." " Yeah." "That's it." "Come on, George." "That's it." "Come on." "Give it to me." "Come on." "Work it." "Work it." "Oh, yeah." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Yeah, be a man." "Be a man." "Lover boy." "You are a lover boy." "Oh, yeah." "This can't miss." "Hello?" "Is this Elaine Marie Benes?" "Yeah." "Who's this?" "We're with the American Medical Association, the AMA." "Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name?" "Is it B-E-N-E-S?" "Yeah." "What is this about?" "Goodbye." "Hello?" " Hello?" " What?" "Get off the line." "We're trying to mak e another call." "Oh, sorry." "Elaine." "Hello." "What are you doing here?" " Has the doctor been in yet?" " No, I'll ask him about my eyebrows." "Okay." "Listen, Leo." "You're hairless, you're scared." "When the doctor comes in, you just let me do the talking, okay?" "Okay." "Leo." "I understand you had a little mishap." "It was a fireball." "I never should have left him alone." " And who are you?" " I'm his nurse." "Paloma." "You're not my nurse." "He has good days and bad." "What seems to be the problem?" " Are my eyebrows gonna grow back?" " And he seems to have a bit of a rash." " Really?" " Yeah." "Well, there's been a bit of that going around lately." "Will you excuse me a minute, Paloma?" "I'm just going to get some ointment." "I don't like this." "This is too easy." " Elaine..." " Shut up." "I think he's onto us." "Elaine, what about my eyebrows?" "Here." "Here." "I don't like this, Kramer." "Will it be much longer?" "I'm sorry." "It looks like the claim has been red-flagged." "You're under investigation." " Investigation?" " Hello, Jerry." "Hello, Newman." "Kramer, you might as well run along." "Jerry may be a while." "Suspicion of mail fraud." "Mail fraud?" "You're in a lot of trouble, buddy." "Okay, I've got your ointment." "Where's your..." " Where's your nurse?" " She left." "Whoa, whoa, no need to get angry." " Calm down." " I am calm." "Leo, I don't care for your demeanour." "Demeanour?" "Now you're just being difficult." "What are you writing?" "So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday." "I'm glad, George." "And here's a little roll that I think you may enjoy." "Great." "Shall we say an hour?" "I gotta go to lunch." "Could you do a roll?" "No problem." "By the way, you know that model who's always in here?" "She's missing one of her lingerie shots." " Have you seen it?" " No." "All right." "All right." "Then let me ask you this:" "Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo?" "Huh?" "I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during shipping." " Define "rarely."" " Frequently." "Are we about through here, Newman?" "It's pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld?" "Pretty hot." "Actually, I'm quite comfortable." " Can I have a sip?" " No." "Not gonna play ball, huh?" "All right." "Admit it." "That stereo was already busted." "You can't prove anything." "Is this or is this not your signature?" "No, as a matter of fact, it isn't." ""Uncle Leo"?" "This case is closed pending further evidence." "Jerry!" "Get in there, get the chart, and get out." "You got it?" "No problem." "Let me borrow your scarf." " What?" "This?" " Yeah." "It's nice." "Yeah." " Here." " Yeah." "All right." " One chart coming up." " Okay." "It's Bennett, right?" "It's Benes, you jackass." "My last name is Benes." "Yeah." "Jerry." "Jerry." "Jerry." "Jerry." "Jerry." "Jerry." "Jerry?" "Jerry." "So I like what you've done there." " May I help you?" " Yes, yes." "I'm Dr. Van Nostrund from the clinic." "I'm gonna need Elaine Benes' chart." "She's a patient of mine." "I don't think she's gonna make it." "It's very bad." "Very, very messy." "I see." "And what clinic is that again?" "That's correct." " Excuse me?" " From the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic in Belgium." " Oh, really?" "The Netherlands?" " Where's my chart?" "Did you get it?" " No." " What happened?" " I don't know." "Now they got a chart on me." "I don't know where they could be." "You can't find them." "That's marvellous." "The dance continues." "Well, if I find them I'll call you." "Great." "And maybe we could go out and do something." "Sure." "Hello." "Hi." " So the little guy finally asked me out." " Really?" "Hey, I can't find his photos anywhere." "You know, some guy from the post office confiscated them." "He left his card." "I don't know what Newman wanted me for." "Gentlemen." "Gentlemen." "I'm so happy to see you both." "There's just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out." " I'm clean, Newman, and you know it." " Clean?" "Hardly." "This doesn't look like a man who's happy with his stereo performance, now, does it?" " Where did you get that?" " That's mine." "Looks like you're breaking into it like an otter cracks open a clam." "Don't know about that, but there's an explanation." "Yes." "It's called "mail fraud."" "How I've longed for this moment, Seinfeld." "The day I would have the proof I needed to haul you out of your cushy lair and expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are." " A monster so vile..." " Newman!" "There'll be a small fine." "Okay." " Can we go now?" " Not so fast, pretty boy." "There's more to this sordid little affair." "Oh, my God." "This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail-order pornography ring." "As does this one, found in the same disturbing packet." "Oh, my God!" "We have a few questions we'd like you to answer." "I have a few questions of my own." "Hi." "One of your mailmen..." "Oh, my God." "George." "Well, Sheila, it's not what you think." "I put my trust in the wrong person." "He said the key word was "tasteful."" "The timeless art of seduction." "Oh, gee." "That wasn't such a long drive." "The dirt road really hurt my back." "Okay, please, everybody just stop complaining." "Smile." "We're good patients." "Okay, Miss Benes, you wanna come on back?" " Oh, I'd love to." " Oh, just a second." " Okay." " Hello." "Yes." "Well, as a matter of fact, they're here right now." "I understand."