"Murder Most Horrid" "Girl Friday" "Oh, Sally, oooh, mmm." "Oh, God, Terminal 4!" "Bob, Sally Faimax here." "I've just remembered that Mr Stafford has changed to BA." "That's Terminal 4." "Mmm, can you get a sky porter to meet them please?" "And when you're loading his suits into the boot of your car, please don't crease them." "Oh and when you go and get the dog from the kennels, can you please make sure that..." "Steve?" "Steve?" "!" "Morning, Eddie." "Morning, Sir." "Morning, Mr Stafford." "Morning, Sally." "Enioy your holiday in Florida?" "Clouded over the last couple of days I'm afraid." "Oh shame, still Mauritius next month." "Thanks for the flowers." "My pleasure, Tracy." "Sheena." "Sheena." "What flowers?" "Her mother died while you were away so I sent her some on your behalf." "Oh, well done." "Mrs Stafford enioy her holiday?" "Absolutely no idea." "Nose buried in Dick Francis all fortnight." "Hmm, lucky him." "Had a thought about Swindon while I was away." "Oh, yes." "Could you run off a 5 year projection for me this morning?" "Absolutely, Sir." "Done it already." "Oh, well done." "Time to shed a bit of fat I think Sally." "Hmm, a few redundancies might just be putting the problem on hold though." "I know, we'll close it down altogether." "Excellent idea, Mr Stafford." "I hate to be the chap who has to break it to them though." "Don't wory about that Sir, I did it yesterday." "What?" "Well your salay rise is about to be announced," "I thought the timing might be a little bit awkward." "Excellent, Sally." "A little bit of shaving foam there." "Oh, no problem." "I found the contact lens you dropped in the board room," "I've re-scheduled your golf for Saturday next, the CNN satellite map shows a depression that won't be leaving until Monday at the earliest." "I've also done your Christmas cards." "I know it's only June, but Friday was a little bit slack." "Excellent, Sally, excellent." "Now then, this morning: your first meeting is at 11 with the treasuy about Eurobank." "Then this afternoon you've got the presentation to Mr Vendors'from the EC Sentinel Bank that's at 2 O'clock." "This afternoon?" "Yes." "Could we make it tomorrow morning?" "Please, don't wory about anything Mr Stafford." "Evemhing will be fine." "So ifwe do the piling (cladding) cladding at the same time as the structure enveloping we could telescope stage 1 into 18 months." "All we're waiting for now is the geological survey results." "Oh I wouldn't wory about that if I was you Mr Stafford." "I went out there myself this weekend and drilled a few holes." "It's good, healthy clay." "That's some PA you've got Harvey." "What's her secret?" "Well your design does have several advantages." "For a start, it's cheap." "Oh, but vey striking, I'm sure you'll agree." "Simple, functional and a jewel in the London skyline." "Ha ha ha ha!" "What?" "No, no, sory." "It's just it does look like a penis." "Now what Ms Faimax means is the um... the general um... design notion is that of a subtly assertive..." "There's nothing subtle about it at all." "It's just that most architects have got sex on the brain, that's the problem." "Thank you, Sally, that'll be fine." "No I thought you wanted these meetings minuted." "It's not vital you know you've got last year's project filing to do haven't you?" "I've done that." "What about this month's expenses sheet?" "I've done that." "Look, just get the board room ready for another meeting, alright?" "You know what?" "I've done that too." "I've done that." "Well this is a vey important decision for the commission." "Could I ask who else is in the running?" "Frankfurt, obviously." "And Paris, a most beautiful design." "I've been to Paris." "So the final choice is going to be based not only on architectural merit but..." "I bought" "But..." "Six ofthose..." "Le Creuset pots, you know..." "The government has assured me that no narrow-minded back benchers will be allowed to..." "I lugged them all the way home, right" "I found out that John Lewis shop around the corner had a sale on so I brought them 400 miles and I didn't even need to." "(speaks German)" "Same happened to him you see, with a coffee maker." "Ha ha ha!" "Right, yes." "Shall we watch the presentation?" "Of course." "Shall we?" "This way." "Steve!" "Sorry I'm late." "Happy birthday, Sally." "Can you get me a gin and tonic darling?" "The size of Lake Geneva please." "Tell me I don't look a day over 25 and I'll sit on your knob all night." "Steve?" "Steve!" "Photocopy." "Please Karen!" "Yes." "Sally, what's your favourite perfume?" "Um, gosh, um well it's Artis or Givenchy." "Either ofthose is absolutely lovely." "Thanks." "Okay." "Yes, yeah..." "Bad moment?" "No, not at all." "Bye." "Look, um." "This is a bit delicate, um..." "You don't have to be a genius to know that Mrs Stafford and I aren't seeing eye to eye at the moment." "No, I'm sory about that..." "What I wanted to to ask you, just because we've known each other for so long..." "Yes." "Look, I met someone in Florida last week she's in London at the moment and we want to spend a couple of hours together this lunch time." "I mean, it's nothing serious." "It's just that, well we all need a change of scene from time to time don't we?" "Anyway, I think I'm going to need your help." "I've booked you into the Lanesbrook." "Four poster suite, aRernoon rate." "I've also phoned Mrs Stafford because you did have a lunch date with her." "I've told her you're taking a client to the sushi bar at Liverpool Street." "Jery from accounts is actually going to that sushi bar at lunch time and he'll keep his receipt if we need any backup." "Oh Sally, what would I do without you?" "Oh, Sally, there you are." "Surprise, surprise." "It's 3.30, Mr Stafford's been looking for you eveywhere." "He needs to see the Eurobank video." "What have you been doing?" "I'm going to be alright." "I'm just going to have a little cup of coffee." "Alright?" "You're not seriously thinking of going back to work like that are you?" "Look, I'm just going to have a little cup of coffee alright?" "Oh dear." "Oh God." "Hang on, hang on." "So, call her, then her, then him." "No." "Come on!" "Come on!" "I knew that." "I knew that." "The restaurant receipt you wanted." "And you did say you were going to give us copies of costings on Eurobank this morning." "Did I?" "I am." "I am." "Got them here." "I'm going to do them now." "Hello?" "Sally, it's Mrs Stafford." "Oh, hello, Mrs Stafford yeah." "Is Harvey there?" "Yeah he is thanks." "Oh you'd like to speak to him." "Can I just say Mrs Stafford that I've got the restaurant receipt alright?" "Restaurant receipt?" "Yeah, yeah." "The one that proved that Harvey was definitely at the sushi bar at lunch time." "I see." "But listen, don't tell anyone alright, 'cause it's a big secret." "Really?" "Yeah." "Putting you through now Mrs Stafford." "Your wife on the phone!" "It's your wife!" "YES!" "Yes, Miriam." "Darling." "Well look I can't find it." "Just book it, bitch." "That's it Sally, go on, clear your desk." "Sory, Mr Stafford." "We can't go on carying you like this." "I'm sory because..." "We simply can't afford it." "Look at you." "Look at the state ofyou." "I'm really sory it has to end this way," "I really am Sally, but why?" "Why on earth do you do it?" "That's what I really want to know." "Excuse me." "Can I have a pass key for the top floor suite please?" "Sally Fairfax?" "I've come to get my Filofax." "Here is my security pass so that you may identify me clearly." "You're so transparent." "You go off fishing and come back sunburnt." "You came back white as a sheet What the hell are you doing?" "I'm phoning your friends in Brussels and the DTI!" "Miriam, come on be reasonable." "No, no let's see how they like it." "You wouldn't dare!" "Miriam!" "are you alright?" "Miriam!" "I didn't mean to." "I know." "It's just when she said that..." "I know." "There's still a faint pulse." "Thank God." "Mr Stafford." "Yes." "I'm afraid she's dead now." "We've got to get rid of her." "Look, it's just that we were on our way to dinner." "I came up here to collect a file and an argument started." "Look, I didn't mean to." "Mr Stafford, deal with the guilt later." "Did anybody see the two of you come into the building?" "Um, no the security guard was watching TV." "Right, good." "Now we'll bundle her into the boot of my car, not yours." "Now could you take her out into the hallway?" "What?" "Can you take her out to the hallway, now?" "Yes, right." "Hmmm, wonder if I'm helping you out like this freelance, Mr Stafford?" "I don't know what came over me this afternoon." "Must have been under pressure." "Got heated, forget the whole thing." "You just stay here okay?" "Til' I give the signal." "There." "So why aren't you watching the TV anymore?" "I can't follow it." "Besides, they're all bloody mumbling." "Hey that's that film, you know, with the babe, Geena Davis." "She gets her kit off any minute now." "There, in a minute, there there, coming now." "Really?" "I think um, Brad Pitt does in a minute as well." "Oh isn't that bloody typical!" "Right, so, fire extinguishers, reception area working just fine." "It's just err, we had the health and safety gms in the other day and they wanted to check and that's really just fine." "I'll just go get you a cloth." "Come on, come on." "You go home and get her car." "Rendezvous here, 800 yards past the pub there's a dirt track." "Dirt track." "Yea, you keep this map, 'cause I know exactly where it is, okay?" "Mr Stafford, sory you've just got a bit of blood there." "Right." "Okay." "One more time, okay?" "Right." "When was the last time you saw Mrs Stafford?" "6.30, before she went to stay the night with her mother." "Yes." "Where were you all evening?" "I was at home watching TV." "What did you watch?" "I watched the food and wine programme." "What was the recipe?" "Imam bayildi." "And how do you make that?" "Oh, Sally!" "No I'm sory Mr Stafford, these are exactly the kinds of questions they will ask you." "Now, what time did I call?" "You called at 7.30, 8.45 and..." "And..." "Come on." "BONG!" "Um News At Ten, ten past ten." "You know," "I really should feel something for her, but I don't." "Nothing at all." "Six years we were married." "Six years of separate lives." "But I, you know, you've already got someone in your life who understands you so well, that doesn't leave much room for anybody else in the end." "Does it?" "Well, I suppose." "Sally... thanks." "For everything." "Sally!" "Morning, Karen." "Morning, Mr Stafford." "Morning, Sally." "Right, Mr Stafford." "Coffee and croissants with the architects at 9.30 and pencil a possible visit from the police?" "It's vital we stick to exactly the same stoy so..." "I've prepared a little file for you." "This is your alibi timetable between 6.30 and midnight." "This is last night's plot of Martin Chuzzlewit which really was the BBC at it's finest." "It was superb." "And this is a checklist of reactions you can go through when they tell you the dreadful news. 1: think it's a practical joke." "2: act with disbelief. 3:" "go into shock, and lastly," "I thought you could actually pass out but be careful not to bang your head on the desk as you go down." "Sory, Sally, can't wait, meeting a client for lunch." "See you later, bye." "Thank you." "Thanks vey much." "So tell me, what's wrong?" "I think Miriam's starting to sense something." "Oh, is she the jealous type?" "Well she's even jealous of y secretay." "Really?" "Well should I be jealous of your secretay?" "Sally?" "What, good old faithful Sally?" "No, no, no, she reminds me of a Labrador I used to have as a kid." "You know, always wagging its tail, plodding along, always so pleased to see me." "No the embarrassing thing is, I think she's got the hots for me." "She's probably sitting in a wine bar right now pining over a third bottle of chianti." "Bless her." "This is a ioke." "Isn't it?" "We reckon she's been dead about 12 hours." "Single blow to the head." "Hello?" "Mr Stafford, Mr Stafford, I've just thought of another thing you could do." "Sometimes when people go into shock, their mouths go all dry and their lips get stuck to their gums, like that." "Why don't you ask for a drink?" "Go on." "Oh God." "Now, Mr Stafford." "We realise this is a painful time for you, but we do need to ask you some questions..." "Yes, yes of course, fire away." "Now what were your movements between 6.30pm and midnight?" "Well I saw my wife off." "I mean she went to stay with her mother." "I stayed at home, watched TV, went to bed." "Can anyone corroborate your stoy?" "Oh yes, y secretay, Ms Fairfax." "She telephoned me several times." "Sharon, bring her in." "Do you have to?" "Can't you just take my word for it?" "No." "No, mercy, mercy." "Hup, two, three, four..." "Hup, two, am I on?" "Ms Faimax..." "Mr Stafford, I'm so sory, it must be awful." "What's awful?" "His wife's body's been found, you git!" "How do you know?" "We only found Mrs Stafford an hour ago!" "Mr Stafford's the only person we've told." "Aah!" "Well I could tell." "Tell?" "Yeah tell by his expression." "I know this man." "I've been his PA for over 6 years." "That expression says something awful has happened to his wife." "You pick these things up you know." "Well Ms Fairfax, can you please describe what you did between 6.30pm and midnight?" "What?" "You're saying Mr Stafford did it?" "I'm sory but that is outrageous!" "Not a cross word has been spoken between Mr Stafford and Mrs Stafford in the last 5 years." "In fact, more recently, they haven't spoken at all, have you Mr Stafford?" "No." "But I am here to swear with my hand on my heart, right there, that this fine upstanding man could not hurt a fly and that's true." "Please, Ms Fairfax." "Movements between 6.30pm and midnight!" "Right, okay, right, movements." "Alright I was at y flat, and I called Mr Stafford at his house three times." "The first time was 7.30, the second time was 8.45, and the third time, the third time was..." "What did we say the third time was last night?" "10.10, that's it. -10.10." "So I thinkyou'll find the longest gap you've got there is what, an hour and 20 minutes?" "Not long enough for a lovely man like this to pick up something, what, like that, and whack his wife over the head with it, put her body in the boot ofthe car, drive it out of London, dump it and get back." "That's if it was dumped." "Unless of course, he chopped it up into tiny little bits and put it in a bin bag." "Please Ms Fairfax, we're rather pushed for time." "I know, so why are you keeping me here chatting, while the murderer or murderess," "Or murderer and murderess, we don't know yet, there could be two of them." "Yes they could be off on some jet, winging around the world, swigging champagne saying 'well, she had it coming to her, the bitch'." "Look that'll be all for the time being." "Is that enough?" "Yeah that's plenty thank you." "We'll contact you if we need any further information." "Right, got ya." "Thank you Sir" "Mr Stafford, why don't you go home?" "You're in no fit state to be here." "I'll get somebody to organise a car." "She's going to organise a car for you, alright." "Don't wory about me darling, I'll get a cab, alright?" "Do you realise...?" "My God, you're sober." "What exactly do you want from me?" "Look I like Sally as well Mr Stafford, as do all the staff but look at this leave request form." "Well she had a bit to cary over from lastyear." "What?" "8 weeks?" "And a salary review of 75%?" "Oh Karen just handle it would you, please?" "Harvey?" "Did you see Crimewatch last night?" "I thought that actor playing you really was just not handsome enough." "Ms Faimax, we're arresting you in connection of the murder of Mrs Stafford." "Anything you say may be taken down and used as evidence against you." "There must be a mistake." "After an anonymous call to Crimewatch last night, we searched your car and found fibres of Mrs Stafford's clothing." "We understand you'd been threatening Mrs Stafford for a while." "Apparently she had a fixation on me all this time." "Sally?" "She got jealous of Miriam and then started threatening her." "That's when the heay drinking started." "I did give them all her medical records." "Mr Stafford, please don't forget you've got a board meeting this afternoon at 4 o'clock." "You'll have to confirm that numbers on the catering for Friday's press launch." "Oh and the final edit of the Eurobank video's in the top drawer of y desk." "Otherwise I think evemhing's up to date." "Excellent Sally, excellent." "Morning." "Welcome." "Ladies and gentlemen, we are honoured to have the chance to give you a preview ofthe proposed Stafford design" "For what will be Europe's leading financial institution in the 21st centuy." "A proiect that gathers the vey best of our talent honed over the years in major international construction achievement." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to see is for me personally the culmination of a lifetime's work." "If you tunnel due north out of the library, Mr Stafford, you'll hit a disused sewer, this'll bring you out at Barnes Common." "Once out, you'll need a change of clothes and a new passport, obviously" "I'll have both ofthese things in an overnight bag which I will bring to the registy office, darling." "Now for our honeymoon, I booked us into a king double with a sea view." "I hope that's okay with you." "The End"