"[JacuzziBoys'"Vizcaya" playing]" "♪♪" "♪ Gonnahaveasmoke♪" "♪' Causethetrain's gonnabeaslowoh♪" "♪HereIgo♪" "♪Livin'so faraway♪" "♪Viva,Vizcayatoday♪" "♪Ay♪" "♪Ayay ♪" " Ladies and gentlemen, give it upforyourhoststonight," "Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani." " Yeah!" " Oh!" " Oh, my God." " Oh!" "[cheers and applause]" " It's a good day in L.A., right?" "Not too many chemtrails in the sky, huh?" " What?" " I was on Facebook looking at relatives, and then I got to thinking about" " Do you really have relatives who believe in chemtrails?" " I have a couple relatives and some old friends that got sober who really believe in chemtrails." " Whatever helps you." " But I don't believe--do you believe in chemtrails?" " No." " The idea that those lines in the sky-- which I call, "God's cocaine"-- those are mind-altering chemicals that keep us in check?" "No?" " Nobody." " Exactly." " Although, if there were chemtrails and they work, they would brainwash us into saying there are no chemtrails." " Yeah, "What's that thing?"" ""What?" "Exactly."" "Chemtrails." "That's like, one of the dumbest conspiracy theories." " What's another one?" " Roswell." "See, that's--that's another conspiracy theory." "No aliens." " Okay." " What?" " I think there's probably aliens." " You think there's probably aliens?" " Yeah." " Okay, where are they?" " In the sky!" "They're aliens; where else are they gonna be?" " I don't know, coming over the border?" "Am I right, white people?" "[laughter]" "I went out on a limb, and you should've been there for me, and you weren't." "You know I don't feel that way." " All we know is what you say, dude." " Who thinks aliens exist?" " You know why there's no proof?" " You guys think aliens exist?" "Oh, you all watch "The X-Files," too?" " Everyone believes aliens exist, dude." " Not everybody clapped, so not everybody believes it." " I'm not the only one who believes in aliens." "I'm going to bring out someone who also believes in aliens." "Please welcome to the stage, Steve Yeun." "[cheers and applause]" " You think aliens are like these gangly creatures with giant eyes, right?" " I'm not gonna judge what they look like." " Because if we're just going on the basic premise of a thing that's not human from Earth, if this Earth--if this galaxy is as massive as it is, there's got to be something." " Oh, there's got to be something, but have they made it over here?" "I don't think they would or care." " In the early 2000s, when I would pose these questions to my friends, they'd call me crazy, right?" "They'd go, "No way that they're" ""listening in on our conversation." "There's no way that they're wiretapping our phone calls."" "But once the Internet comes around, every dude is saying they're wiretapping and they found out that they're wiretapping and they're listening to us, so if they're capable of that, they're hiding some MF-ing aliens somewhere." "Our government can do that." " Yeah." " Of course." " But why would they?" " Because if they say there's fucking aliens, then people like you, small minds, are gonna freak out." ""Oh, no!" ""My reality is broken." "I don't know what to do!"" " No, it would be like when a new flavor of cereal comes out, and I'd be like, "Rad."" " Ask Neil Degrasse Tyson if he thinks there's aliens." " Ask Neil Degrasse Tyson." " Neil, can you come out here?" " Oh, shoot." " No, that's not Neil." "That's a different black person." " That's" " Let me be clear" " Sir, can you walk out here for a second?" " I was gonna say that, no matter what!" " Can you walk out here for a second, please?" "You looked at him and you were like, "Neil Degrasse Tyson."" " I was not looking in that direction!" " You were like, "Neil Degrasse Tyson."" "Please." "How are you gonna believe your own cosmic shit, when you can't even tell black people apart?" " No!" " That's true." " No!" "No, I wasn't!" "Look, play the tape back, you'll see that I said," ""Neil Degrasse Tyson,"" "and then you would've saw fear in my eyes when I looked." " Ask Neil Degrasse Tyson." " Neil, can you come out here?" " Oh, shoot." " You don't get nervies?" " Not really, no." " I mean, we all get nervous." "But also, we're all professionals." "We'll see how it goes, I'm this drunk now." " Oh, you're drunk?" " Gently." " The guitarist for Blink-182 stopped doing Blink-182 because he believes in aliens, and found some." "They have a number one record!" " Irrefutable!" " Yes." " If you were in Blink-182, the only thing that would stop you from being in Blink-182 is fucking aliens." "[upbeat music]" " I texted Louis." "Do you want to do some" "I love that we're just planning our life in front of cameras." " Yes." " I feel like a Real Housewife right now." " It's reasonable." "Would you like me to throw wine at you?" " Yeah, please." " I'm not going to throw red wine at him." "That's a white shirt." "I have respect." "Who here was raised Catholic?" "[scattered applause]" "I myself am not Catholic;" "I was raised Jewish." "No one ever thinks that I'm Jewish because I do not look physically weak." "But, it is very hard for me to talk about the Catholic Church because on the one hand, super homophobic, super misogynistic, doesn't believe in gay marriage." "But on the other hand," "I must understand that if I had been born in the year 1400," "I would run that shit." "I want you guys to ask yourself what a Renaissance Pope needs to do on a day-to-day basis." "A, Have sex with teenage boys." "Done." "B, Solve international conflicts." "I was a poli-sci major." "C, Approve of or disapprove of art." "We all know how much I have been judging that girl's garnet-colored hair since I got up here." "It's bold, but it works." "What does a Renaissance Pope need to do on a day-to-day basis?" "D, Eat geese." "Again, got it taken care of." "[laughter and applause]" " Hey, guys, this is my impression of Ed." " Oh!" " Yeah!" " Good one!" " Bo!" "Bo!" " Bo!" "Bo!" " You guys, this is my impression of Bo." ""Hi, I'm Bo Burnham."" "Ah..." " Oh, my God, yes." " Beck!" "Beck!" " Beck!" "Beck!" " Who here knows what Canada's national dish is?" "You, in the back." " French fries, gravy, and cheese curds." " French fries." "Gravy." "Cheese curds." "When did Canada's boyfriend break up with her?" "Canada's national dish is going to the refrigerator, piling everything in it on a plate, microwaving it, and then eating it until the pain stops." "Not that I have ever done that." "All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for my dismount." "But before I go, I have a question." "Am I lucky enough, is this a rare evening when I am performing for some heterosexual men?" "Are there some heterosexual men in the audience tonight?" " Yeah!" " Sir, what is your name?" "Yes." " Ben." " Ben." "Pretty name for a pretty face." "Ben, do you have a cute little impression of gay guys that you do?" "Do you have an adorable little impression of gay guys that you do when you are making fun of your girlfriend's best friend, or the person who served you a smoothie that morning?" "Is that possible, Ben?" " No." "No." " Oh, rest of the audience," "Ben wants us to believe that he's never done an impression of a gay guy." "Rest of the audience, do we believe Ben?" "all:" "No!" " Not for a fucking moment, Ben!" "Straight guys, it's very hard for you." "You guys exist at a turning point in civil rights history." "When you guys were growing up, doing your cute, little, gay voice was just a normal part of male bonding on the flag football field." "Now, if you do that selfsame impression of a gay guy, you're one of the evil people from "The Help."" "You're a bad person from a civil rights movie, who doesn't believe that Viola Davis should be able to poop on the inside, like a regular person." "Straight guys are very confused by the way that gay guys talk." "They're always like, "Why do you guys talk like that?" ""Why do you guys talk like that?" "Why do you guys talk like that?"" "I don't know why I talk like this." "I am one of nature's miracles." "I don't know why I have this accent." "It's not like I grew up with my parents speaking Gay to me." "They are not recent immigrants from Fagistan." "My current working theory is that all of the penises beating against the back of my throat have somehow altered the acoustics." "It's like a cathedral in my mouth." "Thank you very much, and good evening." "I'm Guy Branum." "[upbeatmusic]" " It's trying to tell you what to do all day." "It's another mechanism of your girlfriend." "It's your girlfriend on your wrist." " I don't mind having my girlfriend on my wrist." "I love her." " I want you to be a free man." " Stop." " Take that shit off." "Take it off, man." " I don't want to take it off." " You're a grown ass man out here, monitoring your steps?" "Really?" "Your steps to the parking lot?" " Yeah." " Come on, man." " Stop." " You want to." "Y'all gonna break up tonight." "It's dope to be back in L.A., man." "I've been on the road." "So this is nice." "It's nice to just take all this L.A. shit in, all these white faces in." "Because I moved here from Boston, you know?" "So when I got to L.A., it was super culture shock." "I had never seen so many homeless white men in my life." "It was weird to me!" "I'm from a city where the white dudes either do meth, or they work plumbing, you know what I mean?" "But they do something." "I'd never seen so many able-bodied white dudes just sleeping on the street, you know?" "And I really hated when they would ask me for money, you know what I mean?" "Like, I'm a black lesbian." "I'm never gonna give you shit." "Go cut your hair and work at a Subway." "What the hell is your problem?" "But that's what the road does, it just opens you up, man, and exposes you to all different types of people." "I was like, "L.A. is bad with the homeless white dudes,"" "and then I went to Portland and I was like," ""Holy shit, this is crazy."" "And then I went to Bonnaroo and was really mind-blown, man." "I went to Tennessee, did Bonnaroo." "I'd never been to a music festival like that." "So open and free, just girls walking around with their titties out everywhere, eating medium-rare burgers all willy-nilly." "Living!" "I had a medium-rare burger myself." "The whole time, I felt like I was disrespecting my mother." "I was like, "Man, you were raised so much better than this." "What are you doing?"" "But it was good." "I liked the texture, the flavor." "And that's how I ended up trying mushrooms, because I was like, "Fuck it."" "Maybe everything is a lie, you know what I mean?" "Because I'm a D.A.R.E. kid, man." "I'm scared of drugs." "I grew up scared of drugs." "I didn't start smoking weed till I was 25." "Petrified of drugs." "Never tried mushrooms." "Had arguments with my friends over not trying mushrooms." "I remember one time, my homeboy was like, "Sam!" ""How have you never tried mushrooms?" ""It's one of the best drugs on earth." ""What is your problem?" "How have you never experienced this?"" "And I was like, "Dude." ""All I could think about is going out my door," ""and seeing a crackhead and a fucking fiend fighting over a baby stroller."" "Like, I don't live in a mushroom-friendly environment." "But it's not like that, you know what I'm saying?" "I did mushrooms." "I did mushrooms in Bonnaroo, man." "And I took it in a chocolate bar, you know what I'm saying?" "They gave me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms, because white people know how to do drugs." "I ate the shit." "And I bounce to this EDM band, and they're partying, humping off the Molly," "I'm trying to figure out what's going on here." "And this black dude comes walking through, and he's jacked as shit." "Jacked." "Super Diesel." "No shirt on." "Looking tough as fuck." "But he's got on these giant fairy wings." "But he's still tough; he's still bullying through the crowd with these fairy wings like, "Nigga, you better not" ""crumple up my fairy wings." "I'm a fuck you up."" "And he walks to this clearing, and I'm like, "Holy shit."" "And then this dude--just as big--white dude, just as big, in a Teletubby costume, walks up to him." "Just as jacked!" "And I'm like, "What kind of Pokémon showdown is this 'bout to be?"" "And then they hugged each other!" "And as I was watching it, I was like," ""I don't know if this is how Martin Luther King dreamed it." "But this is it;" "this is equality."" " Oh, wait, I just realized I look like Kate Micucci." " Are you going to--are you going to shit on musical comedians in front of Bo Burnham?" " I dropped the guitar in 2012, all right?" "[discordant strumming]" " Armen, from "Zach Stone."" " What?" "What is that look?" "You always give me looks." " I'm always judging you, Brandon." " I know, I feel it." " I'm never not judging you." " We're at a place with race where we just got to embrace stuff, man." "That's where I'm at." "Just embrace your thing, embrace your stereotype." "Then use it to help somebody else." "That's where you need to be." "Use it to help another person." "Like, people think black people are hostile." "I play that shit up all the time, especially when I ride the train or the bus." "I take a lot of public transportation;" "I use it." "I blast music out my headphones." "I look left and right real crazy." "I bark every once in a while." "No white people sitting next to me for miles on the train or the bus." "It's beautiful." "I don't got to deal with your boogie boards or sailboats, silly shit you bring on public transportation during work hours." "Like, is that it a canoe?" "It's 9:30 in the morning." "What the hell is he doing?" "You got to embrace your stuff, because if we don't, man, that's how Trump's gonna win." "That's where I'm at." "I'm like, "Trump's gonna win if we keep being crazy, man."" "Because we're pushing white men into a corner, like, old white men." "Not killer-cop white men, but old white men that just want to die out like the dinosaur." "We are pushing them into a corner, man." "We're trying to make them accept the crazy world without respecting them." "We're just like, "Hey, man, guys are gonna be kissing" ""in the street, and bacon kills you." ""Shut the fuck up." "Get with the program."" "And they don't know what to do, so they're clinging to a radical." "We got to tell them we appreciate them every once in a while." "They did good stuff." "Slavery, wrong." "Bad." "Pretty much everything they did to black people after slavery, bad." "But airplanes?" "Dope!" "Airplanes are dope as fuck!" "A white man of that time is the only person that could've figured that shit out." "And it's not because of smartness, you know?" "If you're like, a racist, you're like," ""Oh, it's because black people aren't as smart."" "No." "We are as smart." "It's not that, man;" "it's just that white dudes at that time had a superiority complex, you know what I mean?" "Like, black people at that time, we moved with the energies, we moved with the lands." "So did everybody of color." "Native Americans, everybody." "We moved the culture." "But like, white dudes had a need to dominate." "Only a white dude looked at the sky, saw a bird and was like," ""I should be able to do that." "Why not me?"" "[upbeatmusic]" " What is your sock situation?" " I got Adidas socks on because I'm a real person, man." " What's your sock situation?" " I did Adi-da." " Oh, it's" " He got Drake socks on." " "Nothing Was The Same" cover." " Fuck it." " I'm very comfortable." "I'll wear slides on basic cable, I don't give a fuck." "Real quick, real quick poll of the crowd." "Give it up if you like to come." "[cheers and applause] What's up?" "Who likes to come?" "What's up, where my come-heads at?" "What's up?" "What's up?" "What's up?" "Damn." "Honestly, that's like, 40% of you." "60% of you?" "Fucking nerds." "Okay, me?" "I love to come, okay?" "I've honestly--honestly-- Honestly?" "I've had sex multiple times." "It's whatever." "You know?" "I've had sex multiple times, but didn't start until like, a little later in life." "I started at 21." "I'm 23, I'm going on..." "two years of experience." "And so, I went to a Justin Bieber show recently." "And the thing is, it wasn't advertised as a Justin Bieber concert;" "it was advertised as a Justin Bieber QA." "And my friend, Rosen, hit me up about it." "He was like, "Hey, man, I have two free VIP tickets" ""to a Justin Bieber QA at the Staples Center, do you want to go?"" "I was like, "I've never wanted to hear" ""anything more in my life." "Yes, absolutely."" "And so we go, and it was the day of, like, that huge tragedy in Paris, right?" "And so, Justin Bieber's manager" "I'm gonna make it funny, don't worry" "Justin Bieber's manager, Scooter Braun, comes on stage and he's like," ""Guys, as you know, there is a huge tragedy in Paris today." "So Justin Bieber's going to lead us all in prayer."" "And then, Justin Bieber proceeds to skateboard on stage, tries to land a kickflip, doesn't land a kickflip, everybody goes insane anyway." "And then like, we all bow our heads, close our eyes" "I peeked a little bit-- and then he's like," ""Dear God," ""I'm sure things must be so hard for you right now." ""But, we trust you." "Amen."" "And that was the whole prayer." "And then, like, the first question was somebody in the crowd that was like, "Hey, Justin, what was it like working with Travis Scott?"" "And like, that was for sure just like," "Travis Scott wearing a wig." "both:" "Who is Travis Scott?" " Perfect." " [laughing]" "[laughter]" " More dumb questions, more dumb answers." "Then somebody's like, "Hey Justin, what was your day like?"" "And then Justin's like, "Man..." "Nobody really asks me that."" "And then the whole crowd's like," ""Oh my God, he's so rich but he's so sad."" "Like, more dumb questions, more dumb answers." "Yes, I am finishing this joke shirtless." "Eventually, there is a plant in the crowd that's like," ""Hey, Justin, how 'bout you-- how 'bout you play some music?"" "And he's like, "Okay."" "And like, a guy with a guitar comes out, and he goes into a bunch of songs off his new album." "And the whole time, everybody in the crowd's being like," ""Oh, my God, wait, do you think this song is about Selena?"" ""Oh, my God, wait, do you think this song is about Selena?"" "It's like...no, none of those songs are about Selena, right?" "Like, all of those songs are just some 50-year-old songwriter being like, "Oh, I miss my ex-wife, Linda!"" "Like, that's it." "All right, my name's Brandon Wardell." "Thank you so much." "Bye." "[cheers and applause]" " Thank you for coming to the show." " Oh!" " Oh, we have a model!" "Beck Bennett, from "SNL," is the model for the poster." "No, no, no." "The other way." " No, no, straight." "No, no." "This is the top." "This is the top." " Right this way." "No!" " No, the other way around!" " You've got to face that way." " I've never done this before!" "Idon'tknow!" "Oh,youNew Yorkers areallthesame."