"[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]" "Oh, Lord, help me, no!" "Pardon me." "Hey, look, Uncle Phil, no disrespect, man but you got to watch where you parking that thing." "Man, you know, get some flashing lights or some horns or something." "[BEEPING]" "I'm gonna just go ahead and shut up now." "You've been sitting on this couch all morning." "A little bored?" " Oh, no, man." "I'm cool." " Mm." "What you reading?" "A postcard from Carlton." "He's doing something with his summer." "[WILL SCOFFS]" "[IMITATING CARLTON] "Dear Big Guy." "Thanks a lot for sending me to Young Republicans Camp." "Yosemite's really neat." "Hey, I'm rooming with Newt's nephew, Fig."" "I wouldn't make fun of them." "These kids are the future leaders of this country." "[ALL SHOUTING]" "MAN:" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Yeah!" "All right!" "Yeah!" "[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]" "You know why you're bored, don't you?" "You miss your cousin Carlton." "Pfft." "Ha!" "Please, me miss Carlton?" "Pfft." "I forgot all about him." "Did he say when he coming back?" "Hi, everyone, guess what." "Wolfgang Puck is coming on my show on Monday." "We're doing a cooking segment together." "Ha, ha." "Miss Hilary in the kitchen?" "[LAUGHING]" "You know what?" "That's cool, Hil." "What say we go hook something up now?" "I'll help you practice." "Help me cook?" "You must really be bored." "Hey." "So is everything ready for Judge Walker's dinner tonight?" " To perfection, sir." "PHIL:" "Ha, ha." "Oh, don't forget to put up the plantation shutters, okay?" "I've been bragging about your cooking to the man." "Ha, ha." "Hey, hey, can I come?" "Can I come?" " Unfortunately, yes, you will be there." " Cool." "The whole family will be there." "He's gonna make his decision about who is to preside over the Show-Biz Madam Trial." "[VIVIAN LAUGHS]" "Ew." "She's so scuzzy." "I mean, it's bad enough that she gets hookers for married men but blue eye shadow?" "Hello." "Yeah, you know, that is a little stank." "Hey, G, imagine a dude so desperate that he'll pay for sex." "[NERVOUSLY] Imagine that." "In any event, this is a career-making case so I thought it'd be a good idea to have the judge over and..." " Kiss his butt?" " Exactly." "And I expect all of you to be on your best behavior." "Do I make myself clear, Will?" "Yo, I'm gonna be cool, Uncle Phil." "It's a couple of these other rabble-rousers you need to be worried about." "This is perfect." "I can prepare for my show by watching Geoffrey cook dinner tonight." "Oh, dear God." "Guys, I need help." "I'm gonna rehearse with J.L. and I can't decide what to wear." " I really like this one." "PHIL:" "Ah." "Well, the only way you're gonna wear this one is if you wear that one over it." "Hey, Ashley, come on, you don't need J.L. to help you." "I'll rehearse the play with you." "God, Will, you must be really..." "Bored!" "Yes." "Yes, I'm bored." "I'll do anything with anybody." "Now, somebody ask me to do something." " I'm gonna go practice my swing." " I have better things to do." "[IMITATES SHEEP BAAING]" "Geoffrey, call the club and confirm our foursome with Judge Walker and his wife, please." " Sir." "Whoa, a foursome." "You're getting a little freaky in your old age, huh, Uncle Phil?" "[HORN HONKS OUTSIDE]" "Coming, Vivian." "Hey, hey, Uncle Phil." "You know, this is your last chance to make that a fifthsome." "[DOOR CLOSES THEN TIRES SCREECH]" "Call me from the country club, all right?" "You know the number." "He'll call." "But, Geoffrey, you have to teach me how to flambé." "If I don't learn I'm gonna look stupid on my show." "I'm afraid that ship has sailed." " Hey, come on, G, I wanna flambé." " Will, this is a private lesson." "Geoffrey can't be bothered trying to teach a moron to cook." "Right, Geoffrey?" " Come on, G, come on." " Now then, let's flambé." "First, you sprinkle this liqueur over the bananas and then light it with a match." "Oh, yo, I could do that, G. Come on, let me light the bananas, man." " Because all I gotta do is..." " Out, Master William." "Whoa, who, whoa!" "Let me light the bananas." "Out!" "All right." "You light it." " Voilà." " Ha, ha!" "Oh!" "Hey, come on, come on." "I can do that, G. Voilà." "Come on, man, you gotta let me try that." "Voilà." "I never knew bananas were so flammable." "WILL [IN DEEP VOICE]:" "I'm going to kill you, you little spider jerk." "[IMITATING CRASHING]" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, yo, G." "G, come on, I'll let you be the green dude this time." "Dang." "Just up and leave without saying nothing." "[SCOFFS]" "Tell me I can't do the flambé." "Voilà." "I can't flambé." "Ooh." "Ha, ha!" "Voilà." "Ha, ha." "Shoot." "Oh!" "[YELLING]" "All right, all right." "Stay down!" "Down!" "Down!" "Voilà in reverse." "[PANTING]" "Oh, dang!" "Get down!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "[GRUNTING]" "And I'm telling you that Waterworks and the Electric Company are depreciable assets." "I don't care, you still have to pay a luxury tax." "My dad will know." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hey, hello?" "Hello?" "Hey, Carlton, look, I can't talk right now." "The kitchen's on fire." "I'm burning the house down." "My house is on fire." "I have to leave now." "Toro!" "Toro!" "All right." "[PANTING]" "[LAUGHS]" "[PANTING]" "Oh, man." "Oh." "[LAUGHS]" "Whoo." "Ah." "That was close." "That was close." "Oh, man." "Oh, my God." "I don't believe it." "[SIGHS]" "I almost burned the kitchen down." "[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]" "[YELLING]" "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Oh, no!" "No!" "Auntie Em!" "Auntie Em!" "[SNIFFLING]" "Mama, no!" "[SOBBING]" "Our work here is done." "You okay?" "No, I'm not okay, man." "How could I do this?" "It ain't like I ain't done some stupid stuff since I been out here but how am I supposed to explain this?" "Son, just how did this happen?" "I had a little accident cooking the flambé." "Flambé?" "You torched your uncle's kitchen cooking flambé?" "[LAUGHS]" "Black folks ain't supposed to cook flambé." "You stupid." "Hey, guys, sissy boy been cooking flambé." "[LAUGHING]" "I hope I've been of assistance to you." "Good evening, Master William." "Of all the rooms to burn in your uncle's house." "The kitchen." "Are you mad, boy?" "G, G, I'm telling you, it was an accident, man." "Remember I came in here and I watched you poof the flambé?" "I had liked it." "So then, I came in and I had poofed." "But I poofed big." "Too big." "And I poofed the kitchen down." "G, Uncle Phil's big dinner is tonight." "Hey, hey." "Man, look, you gotta help me fix this." " Good day, Master William." " G, G, where you going?" "I had a night of work ahead of me in this kitchen but now, as you can see, there is no kitchen." "Farewell." " G, hold on." " Cheerio." "G, wait a minute." "G!" "Listen, Uncle Phil is gonna kill me." "You gotta help me." " No." " G. G. All right." "All right." "If not for me, then do it for Uncle Phil." "If Uncle Phil sees this, he's gonna blow up in front of the judge and that is gonna wreck his chances." "All right, G, I made a mistake." "I made a big mistake." "But it is my mistake, not Uncle Phil's." "He shouldn't have to suffer for it." "Look, all I'm asking you to do is just help me get through this dinner." "Just one night, G." "I'm begging you, man." "Please." " No." " G!" " All right." "All right." " Hey, thanks a lot, G. All right." "Look, I'm gonna go upstairs, I'm gonna see if I can find a restaurant that'll deliver." "Why don't you stay down here and see if you can pine solve this little problem here?" "[BRAKES SCREECH]" " Where you going?" " Los Angeles." " Hop in." " Oh." "[CARLTON SIGHS]" "Phew." "Thanks for picking me up." "I left my wallet at the hotel." "Couldn't get a cab, there are no planes or buses." "Phew." "Boy, am I glad to see you." "Yeah." "I'm glad to see you too." "Halston?" "Whoa, this is my stop." " Excuse me." "I'll be right back down." " Okay." "Well, it's a shame your wife couldn't join us for dinner." " Why?" " Uh..." "Hey!" "Hey, look who's back from golfing." " Will, this is Judge Walker." " Hey, nice to meet you, judge." "What is that smell?" "Uh, well, uh, don't look at me." "You the one been out there swinging them golf clubs all day, you know what I mean?" "No." "Mesquite?" "Barbecue." "Phil, are we having barbecue?" "Is there something barbecued back there?" "Uh, yeah, you could say that." "Why don't we walk back there and see what is cooking?" "Aah!" "Ha, ha." "Hey, uh, what, spoil the surprise?" " Will." " No, he's right." "I wouldn't dream of interrupting a chef at work." "That's right." "Hey, listen." "Uncle Phil, why don't you show him the library?" "Man, Uncle Phil got some books." "Britannica, Webster's, Playboy." "[WILL CHUCKLES]" "Whoo." " Man, we dodged that bullet that time, G." " We?" "Isn't that a pronoun that would include me?" "You know, that little attitude of yours isn't helping anything, G." "Man, you..." "Got the food." "Oh, my God." "Ashley, all right, hold up." "All right, hold..." " How did this happen?" " He did it." " Does Dad know?" " No." "Oh, he's gonna kill you." "All right, that is exactly why we cannot let him see this till after the judge leaves." "Because murderers, they're felons, and felons, they can't be judges." "Kind of get where I'm going with this here?" "So this is our little secret, me, you and Geoffrey." "HILARY:" "Oh, my God." " And Hilary." "So what I'm saying is, there shouldn't be a rich or poor." "We should all just share the wealth, man." "Oh, I beg to differ." "Stanley, we didn't get a chance to discuss this much on the golf course but have you given any more consideration to the Show-Biz Madam...?" "Phil, have you ever eaten at that little Hungarian place down by the courthouse?" "They have a delicious goulash." "Could I, uh, trouble you for some water?" "No trouble." "Where's Geoffrey?" "ALL:" "I'll get him." "What are you doing?" "Uh, just trying to be helpful, Daddy." "Hey, listen, why don't y'all just relax?" "I'll get everybody some water." "I'll get some water for everybody." "Ha, ha." "Wouldn't it be simpler if you just got a pitcher, Will?" "[LAUGHS]" "Good thinking, Uncle Phil." "Excellent judgment, you know what I'm saying?" "He got good judgment." "[WILL CHUCKLES]" "Ain't that just like a judge?" "He a good judge." "G, what is taking so long?" "I don't know." "Lack of a kitchen?" "Look, I need a pitcher." "Ah." "All right, cool." "The best fried chicken in town is this joint two blocks from the courthouse." "Will, what is this?" "Oh, uh..." "That's just a little mineral water." "Go ahead, it's good for you." "Drink up." "You know, they make it two ways, extra crispy and extra spicy." "But I can't take the extra spicy." "Lord knows I love it, but it doesn't love me." "Ah." "Excuse me for, uh, just a second." "lxnay on the Indian food." "Judge can't take spicy." "[STAMMERS]" " Come on, don't just stand there." "Help me." " This is insanity." "I want no part of this, Master William." "You have gone too far." "If I got to hose down some poultry to pull this off, that's what I'm gonna do." "Are you with me?" "Oh." "Red or brown?" "G, red or brown?" "Don't make me choose." "Red or brown?" "Ooh..." " Brown." " All right." "And the next thing I know, I'm on this train heading for home." "So all in all, this has been the most bizarre night of my life." "Do you ever wonder what makes your skin stay on?" "Bon appétit, mesdames et messieurs." " Philip, how about a toast?" " Oh." "Just make it quick." "It's getting cold." " To warm food." "Ha, ha." "WALKER:" "Hear, hear." "Hmm." "[WALKER GRUNTS]" "Mm." "Oh, sweet mama." "Now, that's chicken." "I've said it before and I'll say it again." "Show me a man that knows good food and I'll show you a man of good judgment." "And you, Phil, are a man of good judgment." "Yes." "But before I congratulate you, I wanna congratulate your chef." "No." "You know, I think we all should." "Oh, but, Daddy..." "Daddy, Geoffrey's so shy." "Oh, we'd just embarrass him." "Hey, you know what I think we all need?" "A nice brisk walk around the block." " Come on, who's with me?" "ASHLEY:" "Oh, yeah." "Have fun." "Let's go." "WILL:" "Uh, uh..." "Please, have a seat." "Yo, Geoffrey!" "Ha, ha." "How was your dinner, sir?" "Oh, incredible." "You are a magician." "Oh, you're too kind." "It was nothing." "No more trouble than ordering in." "Oh." "You're much too modest." "Oh, thank God you're all right." " Carlton?" " What are you doing here?" "When Will told me the kitchen was on fire I didn't know what to expect." "BOTH:" "What?" " Um..." "[STAMMERING]" "We had a little mishap in the kitchen earlier, but..." " Oh!" " It's cool, though." "It's cool, though." " What in the world?" " Oh, my God." "You were able to prepare a magnificent meal like that in there?" "I think if I could steal you away, I would." "Please, hold that thought, sir." "Uh, Uncle Phil, I can explain." "Now, son, well the most important thing is that you're okay." "What?" "Things can be replaced." "This is a special family." "Vivian." "Philip." "Thank you for a wonderful evening." "And this man will have you on the Supreme Court in no time." "Uncle Phil?" "You gonna let me go anytime soon?" "No, Will." "That's cool." "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"