"This is the author's first novel." "Please be informed that it is intended only to entertain." "It is not suitable for children, or for persons with strong religious convictions." "Does anyone remember when exactly they first became aware of the world?" "The first image they consciously remember?" "I'm sure that very few do" "But believe it or not..." "I'm one of them" "This was my first image" "My name is Jan Dara" "I was born in the centre of Bangkok" "I was given my first name by the man I called "Father"" "I gave myself my family name" "It was the name of my late mother" "Believe it or not, when I was born just after the midwife pulled me from the womb my mother's life came to a sudden end" "From that moment on... my supposed father began to hate me" "Jan-rai!" "(Damned bastard!" ")" "Khun Luang, Khun Luang" "Works for the government" "Earns 20 baht but lives like a rich man" "Khun Luang, Khun Luang" "Works for the government" "Earns 20 baht but lives like a rich man" "Go away!" "Jan-rai!" "(Damned bastard!" ")" "Unfilial!" "Why were you born?" "Your birth killed your mother!" "A real bastard!" "Mother..." "Mother..." "'Khun Luang'" "This is Khun Luang, my 'father'" "After Mother died, he displayed a great sadness" "He announced he would never remarry" "He ordered the household to observe mourning for five years" "He resigned from his job, and lived on his pension" "Grief prevented him from working" "Why are you crying, wretch?" "Shut up!" "Stop!" "That's enough!" "Waad, keep out of this!" "Buapan, bring some clean water" "Don't worry, dear, it'll heal in a day or two" "This was different from the time he threw a cup and scarred me" "This time I saw blood" "Mother!" "This was many times more shocking and painful" "Stop crying" "I finally understood..." "Where the hell is everybody?" "...How much he hated me" "Lock him in the Green House!" "I didn't expect to be punished for causing my mother's death" "But this was my punishment" "I was to be a boy without a father too" "You asked for it!" "You'll be with your mother soon enough!" "Mother" "Mother" "Mother, I sorry I made you die!" "I'm more sorry than anyone in the world." "Jan!" "'Aunt Waad'" "After my mother died Aunt Waad came from Pijit to Bangkok to look after me" "She was like a real mother to me" "The only person little me could rely on for everything" "Jan!" "Be strong!" "Don't be naughty or you'll get fever again" "Where is my mother?" "Aunt Waad, I miss my mother" "Poor Jan, you must try to belong in this house" "I miss..." "I want to smell mother's breast" "I've never known mother's breast" "I've never known mother's breast" "Lie down, dear" "Don't go, Aunt Waad" "Let me lie down with mother's breast" "Here, Jan, here is mother's breast" "Mother..." "I still don't know what it was that made me exploit Aunt Waad's kindness so shamelessly" "Go to sleep, my good boy" "Anyhow, Aunt Waad was always kind to me" "Always called me her "good boy"" "Even on that day that gave me my first memory" "told you about it, remember?" "Please, Khun Luang, he's watching us" "So what?" "He shouldn't wake in the middle of the night!" "Jan, dear, close your eyes" "'My sister, Kaew'" "Jan!" "Come and see your sister" "Isn't she lovely?" "See?" "Isn't she lovely?" "Khun Waad wants to tell you" "She has given birth" "Fine, now leave us alone!" "Love her a lot, Jan" "Let me see..." "Damned Jan, this is none of your business!" "Get out of here!" "Another esteemed person arrived in the household" "As soon as she could learn her father taught her to despise me" "Everyone else in the house called me "Khun Jan"" "To her, I was "Damned Jan"" "Khun Kaew, watch your step!" "Mother, are you ready yet?" "Just a moment, darling" "A little closer, Ma'am" "Stay still..." "Smile..." "One, two, three..." "Saisoi, take Khun Kaew back" "Jan, come here downstairs" "Don't take a picture with him!" "He isn't your son or Father's son!" "Why take a picture with him?" "Jan, come and be photographed with me" "Smile, Jan" "Ready?" "One, two, three..." "So this is me" "Jan Visanan" "To Khun Luang, always "Jan-rai"(Damned bastard)" "Actually, I didn't mind him calling me that" "He should have made it worse:" ""Son of a bastard!"" "Then I'd have liked it more" "Maybe he isn't my father anyway!" "If I am a bastard" "Where's my real father?" "Don't waste your time trying to guess" "The story is rather sordid" "I'll tell you later" ""Vilairek Visanan"" "Father and daughter were a perfect match" "Khun Luang spent less time being angry with me" "So that he could spend more time teaching her how to be just like him" "Happily, fate brought other new faces into my life around that time" "I had many of my formative experiences in those years" "Khun Jan works so hard" "Can I help you?" "I'm moving in" "Master's orders" "'Khen and Saisoi'" "Khen and Saisoi were made for each other" "Khen was the son of a cook" "Saisoi was brought in by Khun Luang as Kaew's nanny" "If she wasn't taking care of Kaew or doing something for Khun Luang" "She always disappeared into Khen's room" "What are you doing out there?" "Come on!" "Khen was like a best friend to me" "He was two or three years older" "We were very different, but got along fine" "Khen introduced me to sex as a field sport" "Being only 17" "I had no experience of my own" "Khun Jan... is so young!" "Please, do him a favour" "Khen, that's enough!" "Khun Jan!" "Khun Jan!" "It's all set." "Don't be nervous" "Everyone's nervous the first time" "I'll leave you" "Khen Khen!" "Saisoi, if you don't want to..." "Don't hold back, Khun Jan" "After that first time..." "I had no trouble flying solo" "Khun Luang made the house reek of sex" "And so it wasn't hard for me to follow suit" ""INTRODUCTION TO SEX"" "Expecting someone?" "My star performer Waen..." "she's always up for it" "Let yourself go!" "This room is our harem!" "Let's have a look over there!" "I want to tear this down" "Let me think about it..." "Is there Anything else?" "Some of the materials can be reuse" "But most of them have been worn out..." "I want to tear this down as well" "According to this floor plan..." "Aunt Waad, what's happening at the Green House?" "They're tearing it down" "Mother..." "Can you catch up with the work?" "If not, you can find me." "No problem." "It's still OK right now." "Thank you." "You are welcome." "Are there any bananas for the children?" "I want some pictures from that shop." "There are many coffee in the bottle." "There is some rice..." "This is my Hyacinth" "I met her at Teacher Sali's evening school" "Before class every evening..." "I tried my best to get to know her" "What are you doing here?" "Sorry." "Excuse me..." "May I walk with you?" "Let me help you!" "You'd better go, it's late" "You're still alone here this late?" "Pa doesn't get back until 11" ""Pa"?" "My father" "That gives us enough time!" "Don't rush to bed" "I'll come back to keep you company" "I loved Hyacinth..." "I loved Hyacinth..." "I told myself so every night" "Of course, I didn't know what love was" "But I felt sure that this was it" "At the time I had no idea what comprised love" "But my instincts were probably right" "Khen, the young master's here" "Khen, shall we go?" "Later..." "let's go later..." "Khen, let's go!" "He looks nice in that shirt" "Just for tonight, Khen" "I've been very patient" "But you still won't share this girl with me" "You want that she's old and shriveled before I get near her?" "What the hell..." "We'll talk about this later" "What?" "Khen, listen..." "Why can't we have one girl we think well of?" "Like the way I think well of my mother?" "Thinking about a girl is like thinking of your mother?" "I give up!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khen, don't hang around here" "Or I'll have my father throw you and your mother out!" "I was just giving him a scare" "Let's play, Saisoi" "'Khun Boonlueang'" "Turn around and let me see" "Once the Green House was pulled down Khun Luang soon put up a new building" "It was for another of my 'mothers'..." "Khun Boonlueang" "What's so interesting, Khun Jan?" "Nothing" "Help me catch it!" "You should go now" "Then Pa will trust us more" "You're back, Jan..." "Have you eaten?" "Yes, I have" "What's wrong?" "What's wrong, Jan?" "Aunt, do you know that lady in the new house?" "Yes, it's Khun Boonlueang" "Khun Boonlueang" "She was with your father before he married your mother" "Bastard!" "Wait, Jan..." "Your father had very good reason to marry your mother" "I know that, Aunt Waad" "The more I learn, the more I hate him" "I just hate him, don't worry about it" "Wait, Jan... what do you know?" "Who told you?" "I found out myself that Khun Luang cannot be my father" "That's enough for me" "What if you found out you were wrong?" "If Khun Luang were my real father," "I'd rather burn in hell" "Goodness, nephew Jan is doing the honours today!" "Where the hell is Waen?" "How dare you come here today?" "Never mind, Khun Luang" "It's good that he comes here once in a while" "We should get to know each other" "Jan is like a son - a child to me" "What do you think?" "Thank you" "Where the hell have you been, Waen?" "You're getting worse!" "I was helping Poom in the kitchen" "Serve us!" "Yes, sir" "Now that Waen's here." "You can get out, Jan" "Visit me again, Jan" "May I have your permission, Khun Luang?" "I can help you to discipline him" "Khun B, just treat him as one of the servants" "He's not worth more than that" "Hear that?" "Now you have another aunt" "You don't need to keep our distance" "Thank you, aunt" "I wish I could come every day" "Good, my nephew" "From that moment..." "I was no longer a member of Khen's harem" "If I wasn't with Hyacinth" "I'd rush to Khun Boonlueang's house" "Help yourself, Jan" "If there's anything you don't understand, ask me" "Thank you so much" "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Kaew!" "Containing." "Containing." "And I'll wait two or three years" "This word..." "Voyage." "Voyage" "When I had undertaken from..." "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Kaew!" "Don't go!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khen!" "Calm down!" "What's wrong?" "Watch out, Khen!" "What was all that about?" "I haven't a bloody clue" "Really?" "I don't believe it" "You've done something disgusting, haven't you?" "I wouldn't dare!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Kaew!" "Sorry" "Hyacinth..." "No, nothing..." "Sweet dreams" ""President Hoover receives their Majesties in White House."" "Hyacinth..." "Khun B..." "What did you call me?" "Is there any problem with my ears?" "!" "My dear, your father calls me "Khun B"" "It seems I must stop thinking of you as a child..." "Stop staring at me" "Wait outside" "The lady should be able to wash herself in private" "You can't resist peeping?" "Silly boy, what good will that do you?" "I didn't know you were in the bathroom!" "I thought you'd gone upstairs with your book and dozed off" "I'm terribly sorry I really am." "All I wanted was to wash myself" "I don't think you're sorry at all" "I think you're actually quite happy" "That's no need to explain!" "Since you have now seen all of me I can ask you a favor" "Wash yourself first" "And make sure your hands are clean" "Then come upstairs" "Wash your feet too" "Can I trust you to help me, Jan?" "Take a piece of ice and run it along my back" "It's so hot!" "I've ordered a bathtub, but they still haven't delivered it" "I'd love to soak in cool water" "That's enough for today, Jan..." "Thank you" "Please give this to Khun Waad for me" "With my best regard" "Khun Jan!" "Big trouble!" "Saisoi is pregnant!" "I've always treated you well" "But since you don't treat yourself so well I have to let you go" "Khun Kaew..." "Let's go home, Saisoi" "Let's go" "We don't have to stay in this house any longer" "You should learn to take pictures If you have the chance" "Yes" "Always remember that you need plenty of light" "Jan, give me a moment, then come to me" "It's so hot today..." "May I?" "What?" "Your face is burning hot!" "You know what?" "I'll tell you a secret" "I was planning to leave your father" "He..." "I..." "You're a big help to me" "You're a grown man now" "I need to depend on you" "Have you been waiting long?" "I thought you weren't coming" "I said I would" "Have you been smoking?" "Can you smell it?" "It's quite strong" "I'm sorry" "Why?" "Be yourself!" "You know that better than I do" "Are you leaving?" "What's the rush?" "I'll see you tomorrow" ""Dear Hyacinth, I..."" "Open this door!" "Help!" "Whoever's there, help!" "Khen!" "Khun Jan!" "Let me explain!" "Khun Kaew wanted me" "She told me to tie up her hands like that" "She said she'd accuse me of something bad if I didn't do it" "That's enough, I understand" "I think she's got you this time, Khen" "Never mind, as long as you believe me" "Mother!" "Jan brought me here and tried to molest me!" "Mother!" "Keep away from me, you bastard!" "Khen tried to help me and you hit him!" "Oh..." "Khen!" "Ma, stay out of this!" "Are you hurt?" "I give up" "Are you hurt?" "Ma'am!" "Ma'am!" "You damned ungrateful bastard!" "Don't believe everything she says" "You don't need to remind me that" "I know her too well Kaew is my daughter" "But who made her like this?" "You did!" "You have spoiled our girl, Khun Luang" "She's barely human!" "Mother, how dare you say that!" "Kaew!" "Don't, Waad, the child is in shock" "She doesn't mean it" "Let me take the blame" "Khun Luang can whip me as much as he wants" "No chance" "Give me your hands." "Swear that you won't tell" "Jan, the Master wants you in" "You've sworn the Main House" "You should side with your daughter" "Not with that damned boy!" "You know, there's something I've been meaning to say to you" "I think the moment has come" "You don't satisfy me..." "You know what I mean?" "How can you say that, Khun Luang?" "I came to this house for my dear cousin's sake" "Jan is more than my nephew." "He means more to me than my own child" "That girl is hardly even my daughter" "Just a wicked child you stuffed into my belly" "I pushed her out for you, that's all" "Waad, have you lost your senses?" "Do I have to remind you..." "I am the master of this house!" "It may once have belonged to your cousin." "Father, there he is!" "Khun Luang, don't touch him!" "What is your excuse?" "How could you do this to my daughter!" "You damned bastard!" "If Poom's son hadn't stepped in" "What would have happened?" "Jan-rai" "You damn son-of-a-thief!" "You're tainted by your origins!" "This is the limit!" "I have no strength to go on with this charade!" "He has brought this on himself!" "He's lucky I don't have him arrested!" "This is the end!" "No more!" "Where do you think he can go?" "The boy has no-one else to turn to" "Boy?" "He's old to stir my jealousy when I see you embracing him!" "Where do you think he can go?" "Who cares?" "Dogs survive on the streets" "Or he can go back to live with the criminals he came from" "Khun Luang" "Jan, tell me" "Is there any truth in what Kaew says?" "Whatever you think" "Still up to the same tricks!" "I want nothing more to do with you" "Listen, from now on you have no further connection with this house!" "You may no longer use my surname 'Visanan'" "Call yourself whatever you like!" "Be 'Jan Bastard' for all I care!" "Wait!" "I have never wanted your surname" "'Jan Bastard' will suit me fine" "But this was my mother's house and I'm her son!" "So why can't I stay here?" "I'm sorry..." "You can't stay because I won't give house-room to scum like you!" "Because I'm kicking you out of my house!" "You understand?" "It's my house!" "You don't understand, do you?" "To understand, you need to know" "How you came to be born..." "You son-of-a-thief!" "Don't go on, Khun Luang, I'll tell him myself" "Good!" "You tell him and put him back in his place" "And make sure he leaves this house!" "Let's go" "Father" "Not yet!" "I haven't punished you yet!" "You can't get off scott-free!" "Bastard!" "Have you forgotten?" "We have nothing to do with each other any more!" "Jan-rai!" "Jan-rai!" "Don't!" "Khun Luang!" "Don't!" "Go, dear, go..." "Get the hell out of my house" "Or I'll shoot you like a stray dog!" "Go, dear, go..." "Ma'am!" "Ma'am, I..." "Jan!" "Go to Pijit and stay with your grandfather for a while" "Stay there until this has all died down" "Tell me, Aunt Waad:" "Who's my father?" "Jan..." "It's time you knew" "I'm sorry" "We kept the truth from you all this time" "It isn't so easy to explain..." "It's a horrible story" "Your mother was only 18" "She came to visit us in Pijit" "Everyone was entranced by her beauty" "Who'd have guessed it would cause such a tragedy?" "I had a boyfriend at that time" "I kept him a secret" "Because he was poor and a bit of a roughneck" "His name was Jom" "He seized your mother, with two of his friends" "It took the police almost a month to track them down..." "I'm sure you can guess the rest" "Yes, it's exactly what you're thinking" "When my mother came home to Bangkok" "She found she was pregnant" "To avoid scandal" "Grandfather had to find someone to marry her" "That is, someone to be my 'father'" "And he came up with this Khun Luang" "While I was away in Pijit" "I found out more about my real father" "But believe it or not, just a few years later" "I was called back to Bangkok" "Aunt Waad needed her "good boy" to help solve a serious problem" "We'll hold the wedding on Sunday" "Nothing grand" "We won't bother with the religious ceremonies" "No need to bring in any monks" "They'll live in a bedroom in Khun B's house" "We'll transfer the deeds to the house the same day" "Some officials will come to supervise the paperwork" "Great!" "Everything's settled!" "Now, let's go to shop for the wedding" "Please excuse me..." "I'd like to talk with Khun Luang a little longer" "You know what I'm going to ask..." "What do you want?" "You're staring at me as if you've never seen me before!" "You've changed!" "I was just admiring you" "Don't try to be nice to me" "And don't even think of having marital relations with me" "Oh, you're a wicked one!" "And you think you can judge others?" "You've shamed your parents." "Why did you do it?" "Nothing else with two-legs available for you?" "Don't worry" "For the sake of your mother and the baby" "I'll keep your secret" "But don't imagine I'm doing this because I like you" "Or because I want you as a real wife" "Damn you!" "Jan!" "When did you get back?" "Hyacinth fell ill while I was away" "It was typhoid, and it killed her" "She died in her own bedroom" "Apparently her Pa moved out soon afterwards" "No one could say where he'd gone" "The happiness I'd been looking forward to" "Instead I faced the bleakest possible future" "Khun B invites you to her house for dinner tonight" "You said you wanted to talk to me before the wedding" "Yes, about many things" "Sit down" "Many things..." "The first thing is..." "Does anyone else know about this?" "Does Khun Boonlueang?" "Know about what?" "Who got you pregnant!" "I know, but does she know?" "Does she know or not?" "Don't just shake your head!" "Does Khun B know?" "Khun B doesn't know" "Then keep it absolutely secret" "No-one must know, especially not Aunt Waad or Khun B" "If I ever find that it has leaked out I'll kill you with my bare hands, I promise" "Bastard Jan!" "How dare you!" "I'll soon be your husband So this is the last time I'll say this" "Never talk to me like that again!" "If you do, I will hurt you so badly" "You will never forget the pain" "And if the disgusting truth ever comes out... and embarrasses your kind mother I will kill you" "You hear me?" "Good evening" "This house is now in the name of Mr Jan Dara" "That's not necessary" "We no longer owe each other anything" "In this incarnation, Khun Luang and I will always be enemies" "I think I'll be fighting him until the end of time" "Where's my mother?" "Who took my mother away?" "Aunt Waad, where's my mother?" "Your mother hasn't gone" "Khun Luang just moved her into the library" "Give me back my mother!" "Give me back my mother!" "What the hell are you doing in here?" "Are you looking for that?" "Here!" "Give me back my mother!" "Give me back my mother!" "Give me back my mother!" "Khun Jan, another drink?" "Jan. I'd been looking for you." "Is this your mother?" "What's wrong, Jan?" "Are you alright?" "Don't sit there!" "Khun Luang always used that chair for sex" "Finally, I'm no better than Khun Luang!" "Right in front of my own mother!" "More evil than him!" "What are you doing?" "What?" "Don't" "I locked it because..." "I don't want anyone barging in here" "Don't worry" "Just for tonight" "Chom, let me see the baby" "Everything is fine" "This home-brew is like medicine!" "Young man, are you two in love?" "You need to ask that?" "Your answer tell me everything I need to know" "I should tell you something..." "Breathe deeply!" "Push!" "Again!" "A little bit more!" "Alright, I can see the head" ""Appree" ("cursed")" "She mouthed the word "appree"" "She obviously meant it" "Then she lost consciousness" "That's not so odd" "Maybe she was imagining things" "Did Aunt Waad hear her?" "No, she was holding the baby" "Khun Kaew didn't say the word aloud" "As the owner of the house" "I registered the baby as "Pree Dara"" "I took the name from the word..." "that Kaew mouthed after giving birth" "From "appree": "Pree Dara"" "Why the hell is it crying?" "There were changes after Pree was born" "Khun Luang moved into Khun Boonlueang's house" "I thought I'd be... the last child you'd have to raise" "Now there's a new baby" "That's what worries me, Jan" "If anything should happen to me you'd be the only one to care for him" "His mother doesn't want to know" "But I'm so tired of this life" "I want to go back to Pijit to change my life" "You're strong and dependable" "Next, Khun Boonlueang asked me to move into the Main House" "I'm surprised that Khun Luang owns a book as good as this!" "Really." "This is the only one he has about sex" "Did you know that Khun Luang has become impotent?" "Since when?" "Since the trouble with Khun Kaew" "The Pacific War broke out some three years after that" "Aunt Waad went back to Pijit... and became a nun, as she wanted to" "She chose this time to leave because the household seemed quiet and settled" "Poom!" "Nian, where is Khun Boonlueang?" "And Khun Kaew?" "I didn't see them!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Boonlueang!" "Khun Kaew!" "Khun Boonlueang!" "I want to talk to you about that night" "Please don't be angry with Khun B" "It was all my fault" "When did it start?" "When you left for Pijit" "I had no-one, and neither did she" "She told me she planned to leave father" "And go back home" "I knew very well why she wanted to leave" "I knew very well" "Why are you telling me this?" "I want you to get back together with Khun Boonlueang" "Get back together?" "Yes, like before" "You can sleep with her any time you want" "All I ask is that we share her sometimes" "Alright" "But I want something in return" "What?" "A baby" "I want a child a child of my own" "The girl I loved is dead" "Khun Boonlueang can't have a baby" "The only possible mother is you" "Not a chance, damned Jan!" "You've brought this on yourself!" "Anyhow, we're married." "We should have a baby!" "Khun Jan..." "Khun Jan!" "It's Khun Kaew..." "She is in trouble." "After that, I never forced myself on Khun Kaew again" "Oddly enough, I found that I'd become impotent too" "I can't make love to any woman" "Not even Khun Boonlueang, the one who taught me all I know" "Khun Kaew turned the house into her own small empire" "As for Khun Luang..." "The only sign of life he showed was breathing" "There's still one story I haven't finished telling you" "Maybe you remember?" "It's the one about my real father" "My grandfather told me the whole ugly truth about it" "Told Aunt Waad about it" "Then pretended to forget so that I wouldn't have..." "to tell you good people" "It's worse than you imagine" "Anyhow, since you're so kind." "I'll tell you" "If you ever catch sight of a man on the street..." "You might bump into him" "Or find him sitting next to you at a movie..." "A decent-Iooking middle-aged man..." "Quite well-dressed, not badly off..." "But somehow forlorn and hopeless..."