"Terror." "Terror in the night." "The whipping, howling, unforgiving winds crash into the clouds and rain falls no matter where you turn." "There is no escape." "No escaping the true horror." "A sudden silence, and then screaming thunder lightning, floods, tornados famine, pestilence, fire, earthquakes." "[SCREAMING]" "Giving way to hazy afternoon sunshine." "I'll be back with the five-day forecast after this:" "[THUNDER CLAPPING]" "[GASPS]" "[MEN SCREAMING]" "NARRATOR:" "Terror grips a peaceful city." "Terror that wears a loincloth." "[GROWLING]" "[CAR CRASHES]" "His real name is Royce Mumphy." "[GRUNTS]" "But police in five states know him as Cave Guy." "[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]" "Yes, Cave Guy." "Hostile, powerful, but also highly intelligent." "I subscribe to The New Yorker." "[CHUCKLES]" "[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]" "NARRATOR:" "Only one hero can track down Cave Guy." "Only one hero has the heart to fight this fiend." "That hero is  on another network." "Thus, we have no choice but to turn to this fellow." "A teenage nerd, or is he?" "Dexter?" "Would you like to watch America's Most Wanted, hon?" "No, thanks, Mom." "I'm figuring out the actuarial tables for my retirement." "DEBBIE:" "Oh, should you, dear?" "You're only 16." "DEXTER:" "Don't worry, Mom." "But, hon, isn't there a dance tonight?" "Gee, Dexter, I'd love to go to the dance with you." "If I were ugly and dead." "Sorry, Dex, but I've gotta wash my hair or help the needy." "I forget which." "Oh, can't do it, Dex." "That's the night I'm, uh..." "I'm having something removed." "[SIGHS]" "I don't wanna go." "You spend far too much time with your computer." "It's not healthy." "It's my life." "That's so very, very sad." "NARRATOR:" "Meanwhile, frantic police launch a desperate search for Cave Guy  using all the tools of modern law enforcement  including lots of overtime." "[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]" "With all this heat I'll never be able to escape to the Hamptons." "Huh?" "[MURMURING]" "Perhaps a hostage or 20 might help." "NARRATOR:" "At the same time  innocent high-school students attended a dance  in honor of daylight-savings time." "Daylight-savings time rules!" "It's rocking, man!" "[CHEERING]" "NARRATOR:" "Little did they know that a hulking horror  would soon transform their peaceful prom into:" "[GASPS]" "[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]" "[SCREAMING]" "[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]" "[SCREAMING]" "[THUNDER CLAPPING]" "[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]" "[STUDENTS SCREAMING]" "NARRATOR:" "Yes, "Dance of Doom." Starring:" "[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]" "We'll return to "Dance of Doom" after this." "Are there any pizza rolls left?" "Your mother ate them all." "All 24." "I was peckish." "I could make some more." "ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:" "If you just joined us  Cave Guy is holding students hostage  in what could turn out to be a story almost as big as O.J." "[GROWLS]" "That's Harry Connick High School." "My high school." " Good thing you couldn't get a date." " Yeah." "You're lucky you spend all your time glued to a computer." "[SCOFFS]" "Oh..." "Freak out!" "Hello!" "Ooh, ooh!" "I'm here in the show." "To the hop." "Dexter?" "He's gone." "Oh, and I was just gonna make sloppy joes." "Nothing will stand in my way." "Hey, Freakazoid, wanna go out for a mint?" "Okay." "[SIGHS]" "I gotta say, that was one fine mint." "Sure was." "Oh, by the way we're needed over at that hostage thing at Harry Connick High." "That's right." "Duty calls." "Hello, duty." "I'm coming." "[WHOOSHING]" "NARRATOR:" "But as Freakazoid bounds off to battle  certain questions remain unanswered." "For instance, what part will this strange fellow play in our story?" "And what of the object he clutches so carefully?" "An ordinary watch, you say?" "Hardly." "For it has a secret power." "A bizarre power." "Huh?" "[GRO ANING AND GRUNTING]" "NARRATOR:" "The power to turn beavers into gold." "Where did he come from?" "What did he want?" "And why was there a mint scene?" "Did it reveal character?" "How was the story advanced?" "We may never know." "NARRATOR  FREAKAZOID:" "But now, on with the adventures of Freakazoid." "Pull the string." "[OFFICERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "OFFICER [O VER MEGAPHONE]:" "Come out with your hands up." "[GRO ANING]" "Find out what he wants." "You're on the student council." "But you get along better with older guys." "What do you mean by that?" "Excuse me." "Do you know how long this will take?" "Why?" "Well, some of us had reservations for a late dinner at the Green Gourd." "Yes, I've dined at the Green Gourd." "You're better off as hostages." "You're rather well-spoken for a..." "A Primordial-American." "You're so kind." "[GROWLING]" "[GASPS]" "FREAKAZOID:" "Excuse me." "Coming through." "Move that cop car." "Gangway." "[GRO ANS]" "Ooh, have I ever been chubbier?" "This body tight makes me feel so big and wedgy." "[YODELING]" "[CHANTING HEBREW GIBBERISH]" "Hello, aloha, lady in the dress." "[GROWLING]" "[GRO ANING]" "[GASPS]" "Steff, you fibbed to Dex about washing your hair." "If this were an after-school special ooh, you'd pay a bittersweet price for your little deceit." "Like getting big oily zits." "Or eating off the same plate as David Lee Roth." "Ew." "[GAGGING]" "Oh, it's the plate." "And he's been on it." "Don't you under...?" "Oh." "Think about it." "I'll be over, talking with Jill." "[GROWLING]" "Have a nice trip." "See you next fall." "[THUD]" "Hi, Jill." "I understand you had something removed." "Maybe that something was your heart!" "Just kidding." "I'm sure it was a mole or something gross." "Ooh." "[BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "[RO ARS]" "[STUDENTS SCREAMING]" "[SINGING] Low bridge, everybody down" "Low bridge Cave Guy's underwear is brown" "Brown, brown" "It looks like he's got the cooties" "Oh, oodle" "Goodbye Stop the singing now" "End the singing songs Stop, go" "Enough with the songs" "[WHISPERING] Stop, bring it down" "Come down, stop" "Shh, shh, shh..." "Everybody go with me "shh, shh" On this side of the room" "ALL:" "Shh, shh, shh." "[NORMAL VOICE] Everybody down" "Hi, Mom." "And you, Valerie, you said..." "[SIGHS]" "Skip it." "[GROWLS]" "[CHUCKLES]" "[GROWLS]" "[GRUNTING]" "Your little urbane jokes won't save you now." "I shall smash you." "I shall grind you into powder." "I love you." "Oh, my." "Not just because you're Cave Guy." "Uh-uh." "But because you're part of the whole cosmic mankind-whale-tree thing." "That's quite touching in a vapid, pointless way." "Prepare to be crushed." "[BOTH GRUNTING AND GRO ANING]" "Okay, you win." "Ta-da!" "[CHEERING]" " Nice work." " Thanks." "Hey, should I sign up for liposuction?" "[SLURPING]" "Ha!" "JILL:" "Stupid." "Call me soon." "Steff!" "Hey, Steff!" "Steffaloni!" "Hey, Steff!" "JEEPERS:" "Psst." "[LAUGHING]" "Do you want to see something strange and mystical?" "[YELLING] No!" "Get out of here with that watch!" "Lay off the poor beavers, will you?" "Jeez!" "You're a creep!" "Go away!" "We were having a good time until you showed up, Jeepers!" "[GRO ANS]" "Go have some coffee with cream or something." "Because I'll tell you something." "This is a happy place." "[SIGHS]" "You were really something tonight." "FREAKAZOID:" "Dexter and I are different parts of the same whole." "Perhaps Val should learn you can't reject one without rejecting the other." "[VALERIE MAKES KISSING SOUND]" "There!" "Van Damme and Minnie Pearl." "Freak in!" "You're such a funny kidder." "Hmm." "Where did you come from, rodent?" "Where's the guy with the lightning on his head?" "Um..." "Over there?" "Oh, freak out!" "That was shallow, cheap and based solely on hormones." "Works for me." "[SINGING] It's time for Freakazoid and friends" "Where the insanity never ends" "Justice he defends You're sure to get the bends" "From Freakazoid and friends" "When Dexter becomes Freakazoid He shows his super stuff" "He battles Lobe and Booger Beast And villains who are tough" "Like Candle Jack and Cobra Queen Cave Guy can be gruff" "There's Fan Boy, Mo-Ron, Eye of Newt And that's about enough" "It's Freakazoid and friends" "It's what your dentist recommends" "To patients who chew gum" "This show is really dumb" "WARNERS:" "It's Freakazoid and friends" "Meet Dexter's girlfriend, Steff And his mentor named MacStew" "Lord Bravery and Fan Boy The gnomes are quite a crew" "Cosgrove and the Huntsman Toby Danger too" "And don't forget there's Freakazette A lovely shade of blue" "It's Freakazoid and friends" "A show that no one comprehends" "Our longevity depends On our demographic trends" "It's totally freaky" "Dexter's geeky" "The plots are weak-y" "We're up the creek-y" "We've sprung a leak-y" "Freakazoid and friends" "Now our song ends" "NARRATOR:" "And now, another chapter  in Freakazoid's never-ending search for the perfect sidekick." "[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]" "Today's episode:" "[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]" "When we last left Freakazoid  he was facing certain annihilation in the lair of the ingenious archfiend  The Lobe." "No one can save you this time, Freakazoid." "That's where you're wrong, Lobe." "My new sidekick will save me." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, where is he?" "[IN RASPY VOICE] I'm right here." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Handman." "You've come in the nick of time." "[IN RASPY VOICE] I wouldn't let you down, Freakabazal." "All right, I'm sorry." "It's Freakazee." "Uh, Freakabee." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, Freakazoid." " Freakydoi." " No, Freakazoid." "[IN RASPY VOICE] Freakazee, Freebalo, Meemala." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, say it:" "Free." " Free." " Ka." " Ka." " Zoid." "[IN RASPY VOICE] Freakeasy." "No." "Freakazoid, Freakazoid." "[MAKING KISSING SOUNDS]" "Hey, stop." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Pardon me." "My mouth is a bit parched." "[IN RASPY VOICE] No problem." "[GURGLING]" "[FREAKAZOID GARGLING]" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Ah..." "Thank you." "That was very refreshing." "Oh, just stop." " What?" " This is stupid." "You're calling my sidekick stupid?" "That's not a proper sidekick." "That's just your hand." " No, it isn't." " Yes, it is." "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." "It's just your hand, you simpleton." "[IN RASPY VOICE] No." "Take a closer look." "Closer." "Closer still." "Hold it right there." "Peekaboo." "[CRACKLING]" "The place is going to blow." "Run for it." "[MACHINE BEEPING]" "It's the waiting around that kills me." "NARRATOR:" "Another job well done  thanks to Handman." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] My hero." "[IN RASPY VOICE] Darling." "[MAKING KISSING SOUNDS]" "[MO ANING]" "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I love you." "[IN RASPY VOICE] And I love you." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, I could see that Handman and Handgirl were made for each other." "Of course, I couldn't stand in their way." "And while I may have been losing a sidekick I knew I was gaining a daughter." "Or the upper hand, or something, I don't know." "[IN IRISH ACCENT] Do you, Handman, take this hand to be your lawful wedded wife to have and to hold till death do you part or till some horrible accident with an electric can opener or a combine?" "[IN RASPY VOICE] I do." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Me too." "[IN IRISH ACCENT] Then I now pronounce you married hands." "You may kiss the bride." "[CHEERING]" "GUESTS:" "Aw." "I just hope they have a long happy marriage unlike some other couple I know." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] You are so cold." "[IN RASPY VOICE] So says the ice queen." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Ice queen, my foot." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Exactly." "Just stay on your own side of the bed, will you?" "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Don't start with me." "[IN RASPY VOICE] Oh, yeah?" "Let me tell you something." "[WHOOPING]" "I can't..." "Don't start that whooping and going:" "[WHOOPS]" "Wake up your folks and tell them you're hungry." "Go!" "[ENGLISH SDH]"