"I'm riding a road train called Lazy Lady - 180 feet of truck and trailer." "We're 200 miles south of Darwin and about to witness a unique phenomenon - the only set of traffic lights for 1,000 miles." "My driver Scotty drops me off in the town of Katherine." "I'll be seeing him later, but first there's business to do." "Katherine is a small, bustling oasis in the middle of a vast empty land." "I have an appointment with someone who'll show me the country." "His name is Peter Trembath and he's a vet." "He operates out of the local airport." "Well... mud patch." "Peter flies his own aircraft." "Up here, it's almost as common as driving a car." "We head out over the Katherine Gorge." "How wide an area do you cover?" " All over there." " So thousands of..." " A thousand Ks across, I suppose." " Right." "But it's sparsely populated." "There'd only be..." "Including Katherine town, there'd be maybe 15,000 people." "Maximum in the whole area, maybe 20,000." "I don't know if they really know." "Do a lot of people come here because they want to get away from cities, live an independent life?" "I think they come 'cause they want to get away from the law!" "Either that or they want to get away from their wife or some broken business or... 0ur first stop is Coolibah airstrip." "It's green and muddy, a reminder that the top end of Australia is in the tropics and they call this season "The Wet"." "(PETER) We're on the ground, Coolibah, the strip's OK." "We're here to see a farmer called Bluey Pugh or, more specifically," "Bluey's dear little animals." "(HISS AGGRESSIVELY)" "Bluey farms crocodiles, mainly for the French market." "You could be looking at next year's Gucci or Cardin handbags." "He also risks life and limb to collect crocodile eggs from outlying swamps." " They just poke their nose out." " Yeah." "Wow!" "Amazing!" "Ahh, it's alien!" " Wow!" " He's gone." " Can it still bite you?" " Yeah." " What have I got to do?" " Just get him out." "Any way you like." "He's going..." "Ah, ah, well... (BLUEY) He could take a digit at any moment!" "You're a father!" "(MICHAEL) Honey, it's a crocodile." "Boy or girl?" "I don't know yet." "It's still in the egg." "That is just..." "That is amazing." "Are you going to be all right?" "The wonderful world of handbags beckons for you." "Come on." "There you go." "There it goes." "Ahh." "Oh, look at that." "Well, I never." "Comes out with the jaws open." "Comes out fighting." " (BLUEY) Able to defend themselves." " Out you go." "Whoo!" "Ahh!" " Where do you want to put it?" " In there." "You're good at this, I can see." " How long do they take to hatch?" " About 85 days." "85 days." "You could go round the world in that time." "Or less." "It's a family business." "Bluey's wife helps out." "He's probably hoping his daughter will, too." "Somehow I can't see her as a crocodile farmer." "Whoo!" "Ahh!" "Oooh, ooh!" "That was a good one, eh?" " Grab him!" " Got him!" "Oh, look, I've got him!" " Into the basket." " I want that on camera." "I'm holding a crocodile." "I've held a crocodile now for more than five seconds." "I wouldn't touch this one." "He's a 70-year-old breeding crocodile called Mumbles." "Bluey's been kind enough to let me feed him some brumby - that is wild-horse meat." "Will he know where the horse meat ends and my arm begins?" " He doesn't seem to love you much." " No." "(BLUEY) There you go." "(MUMBLES BELCHES)" "I've nothing to say apart from..." "how's he going to eat all that with no teeth?" "I don't know." "He can give you a nasty suck." "The reason we're here is because another of Bluey's crocodiles is feeling off colour." "He's not keen to come to the surgery, either." "Bluey takes no risks." "A weapon changes hands." "Right." "Bluey's worried about an abscess on its snout." "It's affecting his breeding potential." "Grab him now." "Jump on him." "Grab his legs." " Where's my Telecom rope?" " It's on the fence." "Peter prepares to cut away the diseased tissue." "Not as radical as it sounds." "The croc's snout is devoid of sensation." "The flesh no longer has any feeling." " We have to look after him." " This is a breeder, so he's worth a bit." "Yeah." "Can you put a figure on how much he's worth?" "Nah." "He's not worth as much as we are." " (PETER) I'll just trim him up a bit." " Just take?" "Take the bits off, let it heal up a bit." " Do you think it hurts as much as it looks?" " No, it's desensitised." "It goes dead when they get damaged like that." "You can cut in there." "That's why I reckon he can't submerge." " Ever been frightened by a crocodile, Bluey?" " Do I get frightened?" "Oh, yeah." " That's what keeps me alive - fear." " (MICHAEL LAUGHS)" "A quarter of the population of the Northern Territory is Aboriginal." "In the last 20 years, land-rights acts have given them potentially rich areas of influence." "Next on Peter's rounds is a 300-mile hop to the Aboriginal settlement of Manyallaluk." "(PETER) We'd better get into it." "Peter's here for routine veterinary work - spaying, spraying, delousing, worming, and giving a jab to anything that moves." "(PIG SQUEALS)" "All creatures great and small are pleased to see him (l)" "(CAT SNARLS)" "(DOG SQUEALS AND YELPS)" "You deserve the money!" "I ask Peter and his assistant Trish if they're ever bitten." "Do you wanna see the scars?" "(MICHAEL) How many dogs are there?" "There are more dogs than people." " Oh, about two or three hundred." " Two or three hundred?" "Dogs are important to the Aboriginals." "They use them to hunt porcupine, snake, even kangaroo." "The diseases the dogs get can easily be passed on to humans." "(DOG YELPS)" "The short ones grab you by the ankle and the tall ones grab you by the!" "(DOG YELPS)" "Craziest dog I've ever seen." " Have you ever needled a dog, Mike?" " No, I've never needled a dog." "Not much call for it in my work." " You've got to be a bit like a javelin thrower." " (MICHAEL) Jab it in a bit hard." "Experts." "Years of practice." " That one, we'll give it another 15 minutes." " 15 minutes after the jab..." " Then we do the operation." " How long is it before they come round?" " You've got a rabbit?" "Right." "An hour or so." " We'll be gone by then." " Come round and find you've no balls." " Got a rabbit." "Do you encourage them to be castrated and spayed?" "Yeah." "You should've seen this place when we used to come." " Dogs everywhere?" " The dogs are better now." "I know it's all in a day's work for Peter, but I'm affected by near-terminal squeamishness." " If you're going to faint, find somewhere soft." " Not with these dogs around." "If you faint, you'll die." " The dog population is less than it used to be?" " Oh, yeah." "As a result of this..." "Is there any resistance to having them cut?" " No." " The owners don't mind?" "Not at all." "As Peter's handiwork takes effect, a post-operative calm descends over the village." "It's been a traumatic time for all of us." "I know just how this dog feels." "I rejoin Lazy Lady for the long haul south from Katherine to Alice Springs, the 700-mile commute she makes two or three times a week." "Scotty's been driving the Stuart Highway for seven years." "He relieves the tedium with a good book." "As we head for the bone-dry heart of Australia, what better than a tale of the sea?" "(TAPE) "...he looked through his glasses with the pointer fixed on the silhouette of Bismarck." ""'Firel' he said." ""Then came the incredible roar and concussion of the salvo." ""'A hit, a hit, at the second salvol I told you the old ronnie would do itl'" ""The Bismarck lay a shattered, burning, sinking hulk," ""as Dorsetshire approached." ""Bismarck rolled over and sank," ""leaving the surface covered with debris and struggling men."" "Alice was the wife of the superintendent of telegraphs." "These springs were the site of a vital connection her husband built for the telegraph line in 1872." "It reduced contact time between Australia and London from three months to seven hours." "The town was supplied by camel trains." "When real trains came along, they were released into the wild." "Now they're trying to find them again for zoos, game parks and breeding." "This is camel country." "I'm driving deep into the heart of it - to a remote outback station called King's Creek." "I meet lan Conway and his team of jackeroos - men and a woman who capture wild camels." "Tomorrow they'll show me how it's done." "Tonight, like any other swagman, I'll camp out by the fire." "Are there any dangers about sleeping out here under the stars?" " Definitely." "Don't sleep with your mouth open." " (LAUGHTER)" "If you've got a salty mouth in the morning, you know what the dingo's done." "I don't want to endanger any wildlife." "It looks really idyllic out there." "It's fairly deadly." "I wouldn't camp out here." " Where do you pitch your four-poster, then?" " I've got an air-conditioned room back there." "The night passes comfortably under cool, clear skies." "I awake to a wonderful smell hanging in the desert air - breakfast, full English breakfast." "Cooked the Australian way, of course." " How do you like your eggs?" " Can I have sunny side up?" "I've had strange dreams about camel mustering, but I've a feeling none of them will be stranger than reality." "I'm right." "As soon as the spotter helicopter moves the herd towards us," "I'm in a world which nothing I've ever experienced has prepared me for." "I'm also clinging for dear life onto the back of lan's four-wheel drive with a Dane called Gunnar." "I'd only asked lan if I could watch." "I'm gonna get ready for this now." "Now I know lan won't be happy until I've lassoed a camel." "It looks easy, but it's their terrain, not ours." "The camels toy with us, knowing just when to turn, when to slow and when to lead us off into the trees again." "After a while, lassoing seems a complete irrelevance." "All my energy goes into staying on board." "A choking cloud of dust rises around me." "The camel stops, twists and turns away again." "My ribs crack the bar as lan stands first on the brake, then the accelerator." "Eventually, we're lucky." "Well, HE'S lucky." "I've missed it again." "We've got a camel." "Now we've got to persuade it to come quietly." " Now go round it." " Shall I take this?" "Yes, you can hang onto that, mate." " Pull on her." "Pull on her now." "Pull on her." " Thorns all over from the bushes." "Pull on her." "Pull her!" "Pull her hard!" "Go back around!" "More." "Wrap it more." " Do you want me to sit on her?" " Yup." "Oh, my God!" "I tell you, I've never done anything like that in my whole life!" "In all these damn fool series, I've never done anything as, oh, bloody silly in my life!" "Christ!" "(MICHAEL) They go on about the adrenaline high." "I've got it now." "Just as I'm wondering if I can go home, lan spots another prospect, and we're into action again." "Righto, Michael, she's yours!" "All yours, Michael, all yours!" "All yours!" "Right, now!" "Go!" "You've got him!" "You got him!" "(IAN) Fantastic!" "(MICHAEL) Sorry!" "Sorry!" "Pull on her." "Pull on her now!" "The whole process of roping is messy and undignified, but we see no camels hurt." "Lan knows that the better he can look after them, the better the price." "I don't think he's quite so worried about me." "You've done a wonderful job." "Good job you picked this one out, or we'd never have had this." "Look how docile it is." "You wouldn't think she'd come out of a wild herd." "You could kiss her." "Only thing you've gotta watch is they suck very hard." "I'm not gonna get too close to that little one." "She's got a lovely face - tolerant, patient." " I feel I want to apologise." "Sorry, old girl." " Why don't you?" "Sorry." "Just..." "There you are." "Lovely." "The camels will go to lan's farm for a few weeks'pampering and then they, like me, will have to move on." "Ironically, their memory is kept alive by one of the railway trains that made them redundant." "It's called the Ghan, after the Afghan camels and their drivers who helped build the first railway line across the desert." "The overnight ride to Adelaide gives me a chance to rest my bruises in comfort and to meet others with worse problems." " I hope the rest of your journey is safe." " Thank you." "Don't break the other arm." " Prost." " Prost." "Adelaide is 900 miles from Alice and a very different lady." "(CHURCH BELL RINGS)" "Unlike Sydney, Adelaide was never a convict colony." "Its wealth, like its respectability, was acquired slowly and soberly." "It's just what I need - a quiet day or two in a good hotel." "A book, a drink, a chance to recover from too many nights in the bush." "But it is not to be." "My arrival has coincided with one of the biggest social events of Adelaide's year." "The Desperate and Dateless Ball." "The rules of the event are simple." "Participants must be under 40, wearing evening dress and desperate for a date." "They come as singles and leave as couples." "I find a seat and keep my head down." "Around me, the lobby is filled with the human cost of computer dating." "Hundreds of people looking for a sign of recognition from hundreds of other people." "My hotel is only the place where the couples meet." "The ball, fortunately, is a cab ride away." "Just as peace is beginning to descend, I receive a strange proposition." "I'm over-age, under-dressed and badly bruised, but, well, what can a gentleman do?" "(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)" "# Desperate, I'm feeling desperate!" "I've got a feeling I've got no date... #" "We're getting on so well, I think we might go on a camel-mustering holiday." "# Totally dateless, lonely and mateless... #" "Over there, there's my date!" "Look, I'm sorry!" "# Lonely and mateless... #" "Not to worry." "My book's getting rather exciting." "Just outside Adelaide, they have the world's only cow race." "At least it's a chance to get away from camels." "For a moment, my heart freezes." "But we're soon into the serious business which has brought all these people to the little farming community of Mount Compass." "(TANN0Y) "Udderley"good and could come with a rush." "That says it all." "125!" "Gotta be careful with the flies!" "(MICHAEL) Before you can race a cow, you have to buy the right to ride it at an auction." "At $130, it's down here now!" "135!" "40!" "145!" "50!" "150 now!" "$150!" "5!" "At 155!" "Waiting there at 155!" "60!" "160 it is!" "$160!" "Are you all done?" "5!" "165, 70!" "Are you finished?" "I've got it on the ride at $170!" "Going once... (MICHAEL SNEEZES) 5!" "Sold to the strange gentleman here!" "I don't know his name!" "You've got it, sir!" "Come on." "Come on down!" " I'll explain later." "It's just a big mistake." " Very good bid." "Thank you very much." "Come on down, sir." "Well bought." "Thanks to a heavy cold and $175, I've bought the right to ride my very own cow." "Take it easy." "She's called Udderley Yours." "I do my best to encourage some pre-race bonding." "0thers don't seem to have bothered." "(TANN0Y) And they're offi And they're not gonna get on." "That's Maxi Milker running there." "What's she doing in the race?" "Breathe Your Last is coming up... (MICHAEL) Udderley Yours does everything I ask of her, except move." "(TANN0Y) We've got Reliable right alongside the commentary stand... (MICHAEL) The Udderley Yours team decides on a more long-term strategy, mainly involving staying on the cow." "(TANN0Y) There's no rider on Diana." "There's Diana going down." "There's no rider... (MICHAEL) This proves to be a highly unconventional tactic." "(TANN0Y) We've got St John's Ambulance." "There's one fella down in a bad way." "0h, is that Michael Palin over there?" "(MICHAEL) 0ur next master stroke is to develop a special racing diet." "(TANN0Y) There goes Dun Fling, thinking, "What a bunch of mugs these people are."" "Dun Fling. 0ne down over there." "What's going on with 12 up there?" "That's Daisy." "What a muck-up there." " He's hanging on for dear life." " He's gonna be on TV... (MICHAEL) 0ur fuel injection system is working wonders." "Now we're motoringl" "I can get my oats later on!" " (WOMAN) Oh!" "Thanks!" " Lovely!" "Just what I wanted!" "(TANN0Y) We've got someone down." "I think that's one of the Mount Barker fellas." "(MICHAEL) Whilst more eager riders are carried off, I romp home in second place, twelve and a half minutes behind the winner." "This is the Indian Pacific." "Now we've crossed Australia from north to south, it'll take us on a 24-hour ride east to Sydney and back on course to the Pacific." "A few miles up the Pacific coast is one of Australia's booming exports - a soap called "Home And Away"." "I came to see what makes it so successful." "They're short of an actor." "We might just even out that skin tone there and we'll be laughing." "Action!" "The formula seems easy enough - good, clean entertainment." "I think I might change all that." " Oh, that's good, yeah." " A bit of rubber." "Something like that might be more the go." "Action." " There he is!" " Where?" " Over there." "That's Dylan." " No." "As the characters loved by millions go through their paces, I slip into something subtle." "Now, where's my dialogue coach?" "Action!" "I may have only been given two lines, but they're pretty tricky." "Sorry, I was going to head in for a bit of a dip..." "Sorry, I was going to head in for a bit of a dip and I thought..." "Rehearsal lasts all of 15 seconds." "Then it's time to get dressed and go for it." "The tension mounts perceptibly." "And... action!" "Yes, I'm having a dress made." "I went into the decorating store and they had the most amazing selection of imported wallpaper." " It was all from overseas, too." " It would be if it was imported." "And I saw the most perfect wallpaper for your flat." "Not too masculine, not too feminine." "I just know you're going to..." "I hope they get to my lines before the tide comes in." "Sorry, I was about to head in for a bit of..." "Sorry I was just AB0UT to head in..." "Sorry..." "Too latel" " Yes?" " Sorry, I was going to head in for a bit of a dip." "I suddenly thought, are there sharks in there?" "Sharks?" "No." "Jolly good." "Thanks awfully." "Plenty of jellyfish, though!" "Oh... thanks." "Thanks for the warning." "I model the voice on Hugh Grant, the walk on John Cleese." "I wonder if anyone will notice." "There's an extra touch of glamour about the harbour today." "The 0riana, here on her maiden voyage." "I smuggle myself aboard." "(SHIP'S HORN BLARES)" "This seems a perfect way to remember Sydney and, after all I've been through, a perfect way to say goodbye to Australia." "(APPLAUSE)" "(MUSIC: "WALTZING MATILDA")" "(SHIP'S HORN BLARES)" "New Zealand is separated from Australia by 1,000 miles of the Tasman Sea, named after the first white man to see these islands 350 years ago." "Auckland is a city of sailing boats and businesses." "It has the comfortable appeal of a little big city." "It's a place where you can relax, knowing each day will be much like any other." "Which may explain why some people throw themselves off buildings." "Rap jumping is the latest example of New Zealand's quest for what it thinks it lacks - excitement." "Maybe Auckland's too comfortable." "Across the Cook Strait, South Island looks more formidable." "300 miles from Auckland, a ferry runs across from Wellington into a sparsely populated land of fjords and mountains." "Surely here, where dark cliffs plunge into the sea and summits rise to meet us, excitement cannot be far away." "As I board the southbound train in Picton," "I've a feeling that I'm soon to experience something remarkable." "I'm not far wrong." "(CHANTING)" " (CHANTING) People on the boat say..." " Step to the side!" "The other occupants are a dragon-boat team and their supporters returning from a regatta in Wellington." "(CHANTING) Step to the side!" "You'd better run and hide!" "Move to the side!" "Everybody is alive!" "(MAN) Everybody in the boat, come on, I wanna hear you say, "Boat!"" "Everybody in the boat, come on, I wanna hear you say, "Boat!" "Boat!"" "(MAN) Don't stop paddling, baby!" "All that paddling drives us crazy!" "(GROUP) Wiggle, wiggle!" "Wiggle, wiggle!" "(MAN) Don't stop paddling, baby!" "All that paddling drives us crazy!" " (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)" " Wiggle, wiggle!" "Wiggle, wiggle!" "By the time we reach the town of Kaikoura, they've worn themselves out." "To be honest, it's positively refreshing to be amongst shy, retiring New Zealanders again." "That is, until I meet the Maoris." "The Maoris have a distinctive way of making you welcome." "Before they can trust you, they have to issue the Maori challenge." "(MAORI CHANT)" "The Maoris arrived in these islands over a thousand years ago." "The challenge is still issued when an outsider is received into the tribe." "Today it's my turn." "The branch of peace is laid on the ground." "0nce I've picked it up, I and my Maori sponsors can advance towards the marae, the Maori meeting place, for the next stage of the ceremony." "This I'm not looking forward to." "Every outsider is required to give a speech and sing a song." "My mind goes blank and then spins back to my childhood." "You talk about traditions here and about a feeling of place being very important, a sense of where you belong." "So I thought I would sing you, very briefly, a verse from a song that was written at the founding of the school that I went to in Shrewsbury in England." "And it was written in the year 1552 for the founder of the school" " King Edward." "My only apology is that it's in Latin." "I don't know if anyone can translate." "Maybe Rik will be able to translate into Maori later." "Anyway, I'll only inflict one verse upon you." "It is the school song of Shrewsbury School." "(SINGS "REX EDWARDE TE CANAMUS")" " Thank you." " (SPARSE APPLAUSE)" "I was able to go on to the "hongi", the rubbing of noses which marks the acceptance of the stranger." "This may look like a quaint tradition, but the reality is that Maoripower and influence has never been stronger." "In Kaikoura, they own and run fishing and tourist operations." "They're building a new harbour." "Next morning, I join one of their enterprises." "I've hired a boat and a guide called Snow." "We're looking for sperm whales attracted inshore by favourable currents, deep water and abundant food." "Just looking out for that spout, for a starter." "Yeah, there he is up over there." "(MICHAEL) That was quick." "(SNOW) He's come up from a dive." "He's been down for the last 50 minutes hunting for food." "He's breathing every 15 seconds - getting rid of the carbon dioxide and nitrogen in his body that he's accumulated over that last dive." "Now he's re-oxygenating his bloodstream, ready to go down for the next 50 minutes." " How do you know when he'll dive?" " He'll do a shallow dive, take a last breath." "Blow out and he's away down." " (MICHAEL) That's beautiful, isn't it?" " Magnificent." "The further south you go in New Zealand, the more like home it becomes, and the more I'm tempted to regress to the erratic days of my youth." "An outing on the river in Christchurch is like a dream sponsored by the British Tourist Board." "(BAGPIPES PLAY "SCOTLAND THE BRAVE")" "Every cliché is ripened by the soft summer sun." "(PLAYS "SCOTLAND THE BRAVE")" "(MICHAEL SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)" "The clichés don't stop here, as I discover when our coach heads on across the island next day." "It's almost as if someone somewhere knows I've been away from home for too long." "Near the southernmost point of our circle, the number of people on the Pacific Rim is dwindling fast." "They seem to have been replaced by sheep." "For every man, woman and child in New Zealand, there are 14 sheep." "They fill up the wide empty spaces until it gets too wild even for them." "Ahead of us is Mount Cook, highest peak in Australasia." "We don't wanna stand on there, but we can stand here... 0n the Tasman Glacier, I'm taught how not to fall down a crevasse." "Then we can just take a big step across." " Ahhh!" "A giant step for mankind..." " We can carry on to the next one." "This is the easy bit." "Not all the 17-mile-long glacier is walking country." "We need help." "This is tough country." "Sir Edmund Hillary, conqueror of Everest, perhaps the most famous New Zealander, trained among these ice fields and rock walls." "A demanding environment like this strikes a deep chord in the New Zealand psyche." "Which brings us back to excitement." "In Queenstown, it comes in a marketing package labelled "adrenaline activities"." "It's not a New Zealand phenomenon." "People from all over come here to be nearly killed." "For 30 quid, you can be driven at a rock." "The great thing about jet-boating is that if you wet yourself no one will ever know." "If you survive this, and most people do, you can still throw yourself off a bridge and be home for dinner." "People throw themselves off the Kawarau Suspension Bridge at the rate of 50 a day." "Five, four, three, two, one!" "See ya!" "Wahoooooo!" "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "(MEN) Five, four, three, two, one!" "I talked to AJ Hackett, the man who sold bungee jumping to the world at the place where it all began." "One of the things I made a point of doing was making sure anybody could do it." "The last thing I wanted was it was just a thing for men with big muscles and big... penises." "You know, for me, it's not what it's about." "(HACKETT) So we encouraged from day one, first of all, women to jump, then anybody who had a physical handicap." "We would encourage them to jump, spend time harnessing them up, so they'd be nice and comfortable." "We've had a policy from day one where anybody over 60 jumps for free." "Do you want to touch the water?" "You want to?" "You're crazy." "Good luck." "Good luck." "Can you go like this?" "Go like this?" "Go like that all the way down." "Strap 'em on." "Look into the bridge in front, Keith." "There's your target, OK?" " Just a nice, comfortable dive out." "Here we go." " (MEN) Five, four, three, two, one!" " Magic!" " That should do something." "Over here we have a video camera on you." "A little wave over here." " OK." " Ohhh!" "It's OK." "It's OK." "Look over here to the bridge." "Big push on one." "Here we go." "(ALL) Five, four, three, two, one!" "One more?" "We've had the trial." "Here we go." "Look into the bridge straight ahead." "Don't look down any more." "OK, here we go." "Let go of this." "Five, four, three, two, one!" "(GIRL SCREAMS)" "They don't get many people over 36 jumping." "I suppose it's fear." "(SPLASH)" "But I like to think it's wisdom." "Dunedin station on a wet, grey day." "Robbie Burns' statue confirms Dunedin's origins." "This is Scotland in the South Pacific." "It's also the possessor of what is considered New Zealand's leading university - the University of 0tago." "I visit Selwyn College to see what pulls the cream of New Zealand's youth to this far corner of the South Island." "(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)" "I've arrived at the start of the academic year." "Already new undergraduates are learning some valuable lessons in life." "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "There's a freshman's run." "I need the exercise, so I ask if I can join them." "I feel like the Monty Python definition of a medieval king - the only one who hasn't got shit all over him." "(STUDENTS CHANT)" "The run starts normally enough, then takes an interesting turn." "Righto, guys, we're enjoying it!" "Then I'm told the awful truth." "I've got myself into one of the oldest initiation ceremonies at the university - the Leith Run." "(GIRL) Oh, no!" " (MAN) Let's go!" " (CHEERING)" "(MAN) It's every man for himself!" " Coffee, two sugars." " Right away!" "The Leith Run isn't a run at all, more of a hobble." "In case the students are enjoying themselves too much, their elders and betters are on the bank adding eggs and flour to the recipe." "We know what we did last year!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, God!" "(GIRLS SQUEAL)" "Higher education!" "It's been a chance for me to meet" "New Zealand's philosophers, brain surgeons, judges and prime ministers of the future." "I only hope they remember me." "I shan't forget them." "(STUDENTS CHANT) Selwyn, Selwyn, Selwyn!" "So how's the journey going so far, Mike?" "Having had a public-school education, I understand pain and pointless exercise." "Second to camel mustering, that's the most uncomfortable hour I've spent!"