"David Wozniak, room 4." "You have tissues, towels, a pitcher of water and a sink." "You can settle in here." "Here's all the reading material you might need." "Your cup." "When you're done, come see me." "PAST DUE" "David." "David." "I brought you your breakfast." "OK!" "OK!" "Hey." "Dad's looking for you." "You're 45 minutes late." "Can you move it this morning?" "Sure." "Morning, Mom." " You took the truck home again?" " Yup." "I asked you not to use the delivery truck for personal reasons." " Did you?" " But you do it anyway." " Yeah." " Yeah." " Did you at least get the jerseys?" " Yes." "No, for real." "Do you have the jerseys for tonight?" "Yes!" "Yes." "Yes, yes!" "Yes, dear." "Yes." "I should never have knocked that woman up." "Reproduction is a mistake." "Never reproduce." "I've got a customer." " I gotta talk to you." " Mr. Dubé." " Hang up!" "Hang up!" " Yeah." "Bye." "I gotta talk to you." "To help pay off my debts..." "I set up a small hydroponic garden in my apartment." "You're growing pot?" "Yeah, but I'm having trouble, and you're the only one I know with a green thumb." "You want me to help you grow pot." "You've got a green thumb." "Sure!" "Of course!" "Absolutely!" "That's the one thing I'm missing:" "being part of a drug ring." "Calls every three minutes from my pregnant wife aren't stressful enough." "I wanna live a double life so I can get called in to testify at a major drug trial." "So, what do you say?" "No, David." "My answer is no." "How much do you owe?" "How much do you owe?" "Eighty." "Eighty?" "Thousand." "$80,000?" "When you say it with a face like that, it sounds like a lot." "David!" "You know I love you like a son." "I am your son." "Which is why I love you like a son." "But if you don't have our jerseys for the game tonight..." "I've got the jerseys." "It's the first game of the season." "They're taking the team picture." "We need the jerseys." "I have the jerseys." "You ask him about the jerseys?" "I have the jerseys." "You were supposed to get them three weeks ago." "I have the jerseys!" "He obviously doesn't have the jerseys." "No." "I was here first!" "My blinkers were on." "I was backing up." "I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car, please." "I'm already parked." "I'm here!" "He came in from behind." "If I don't get those jerseys, I'm a dead man." "Thank you!" "HYDROPONICS" "HYDROPONIC GARDENING" "No rolling papers with this?" "Your loan has been declined." "If I don't find $80,000, men are gonna come to my house and drown me." "Did you write that down, that I'll be drowned?" "You don't have the required collateral." "That's why we can't give you the money." "If you have no assets for us to seize, what guarantee do we have that we won't lose our money?" "So, basically, you're a big goddamn pawn shop." "We're not a pawn shop." "You're a big goddamn pawn shop with fancier furniture." "So, I'm forced to decline your application." "I'm sorry." "Fine, I understand." "This is a hold-up." "Pardon me?" "I said: "Fine, I understand. "" "This is a hold-up, asshole." "I've got the jerseys." "I swear on our mother's grave!" "Yeah, Mom's!" "The jerseys are in the truck as we speak." "The whole point of a relationship is to share the good moments, and the bad moments." "But when you leave someone, you lose those privileges." "I never left you!" "You never call or email." " You're always trying to con me." " No, I'm not!" " Why can't I come over?" " You can!" "What are you hiding in your apartment?" "You're imagining things!" "I never said that!" "You can come whenever you want!" "I'm pregnant." "I'll raise it on my own." "What do you mean by that?" "I don't want a father who disappears because he's too busy." "I don't want a father who doesn't have a life." " I do have a life." " No, you don't." "You don't wake a pregnant woman up at 2:00 a. m.!" "I didn't know!" "If you called more often, you would have." "One day, this kid will ask what you were like." "I'd rather be honest." "I'll say you weren't there because you really had no interest in being there." "But I am here." "I'm here!" "Valerie, I'm right here!" "Sure, it came as a bit of a shock at first." "A real big shock, actually." "But the fear wore off right away and I thought:" "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me." "No!" "Etienne, get back to bed." "It's 3:00 in the morning." "Back to bed!" "It's time to sleep." "Go to bed!" "Where are you going?" "Not in the sandbox!" "Talk her into an abortion." "What?" "You can't say things like that in front of your kids." "My kids know they're too old to be aborted." "I'm telling you that I think I might want to have a child." "David... you're free." "You're a free man." "Believe me, you don't want children." "They're like... black holes that suck up all your energy, all your time, all your money, all your hair." "Do you remember when I had hair, David?" "I can't get it up anymore." "It's as simple as that." "How can you say that in front of your kids?" "I can say whatever I want." "They don't listen to me." "They don't pick up the frequency of my voice." "I can't get a decent hard-on." "At my age, it isn't normal not to have a full erection." "I should wake up with a raging boner every morning." "That's what my life should be." "No, sweetie pie, back to bed." "It's 3:00 in the morning." "Not in the sandbox." "You too?" "No!" "Go to sleep!" "I want a child." "David, as your friend and your lawyer, can I " "Daddy!" "Can I be brutally honest with you?" "Yes." "You are in no way capable of raising a child." "I want order in my life." "You think this is order?" "Yeah." "This is beautiful." "Valerie!" "I've decided to make some changes." "I'm working right now." "I'm gonna show you I'm worthy of being the father of that child." "David Wozniak." "The name's Chamberlain." "The kitchen door was kicked in." "I'm a lawyer." "I've been trying to reach you." "I don't have a lot of time." "I'll be brief." "Between 1988 and 1990, you donated sperm, under the alias of "Starbuck"" "at the LaFrance Clinic, which I represent." "You made 693 donations over a 23-month period, in exchange for which you received $24,255 in compensation." "You have high-quality sperm." "I'm sure yours isn't so bad either." "Due to certain complications during a given period," "Mr. LaFrance ended up giving your sperm to all his clients." "As a result, you have fathered 533 children, 142 of whom wish to know your identity." "You have fathered 533 children." "At each of your donation sessions, you signed a confidentiality clause." "The clinic is thus legally bound to protect your identity." "Some of the children plan to contest the legality of these documents." "They want to know who Starbuck is." "So, you say each of the 693 times you donated sperm, you signed a confidentiality clause." "I signed one every single time." "Did you sign before or after you choked the chicken?" " Before." " You always beat your meat alone?" "Yeah." "And you deposited your man juice in little plastic cups." "Did the little plastic cups consent every time?" "Should I get another lawyer?" "Honestly, I'm a bit hurt you never mentioned it at the time." "You call your friend after sleeping with a hot girl, not after jerking off." "But from now on, every time I masturbate," "I'll call you up and fill you in on all the details." "No need." "Listen up." "They claim your right to privacy should take a back seat to the basic human rights they say have been violated." "It's complex." "Very complex." "Extremely complex." "Every lawyer dreams of defending a case this significant!" "It'll go down in the history books." "It'll set a legal precedent." "My mother always told me I'd never amount to anything." "I'm gonna show the old bitch." "I don't feel very good." "Postpartum depression." "533 times over." "You might feel a little down." "What do I do?" "For now, I advise you to stop whacking off in fertility clinics." "Should I get a real lawyer?" "You can't afford a real lawyer." "I'll call the Bar this afternoon and get my license back." " You're not licensed?" " A formality." "It's just a matter of a few dates and some paperwork." "And a bribe or two." "Here." "What's that?" "The 142 children in the class action want you to know who they are." "Those are their profiles." "They're not my children." "These are the months of the year..." "Do you have a babysitter?" "Like right here, right now?" "To baby-sit your envelope?" " I opened the envelope." " Crap." "I shouldn't have." "I know." "I looked at one profile." "Just one." "I picked it out at random." "One." "Wanna know who it is?" "Ricardo Donatelli." "There he is." "There!" "That's him, number 14." "You see him?" "Sit down!" "Let go of me!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "My genes were on a professional-soccer pitch!" "It's crazy." "It's like an extension of me scored the game-winner." "So, do your kids play on a professional soccer team?" "Not that I know of." "But I'll ask." "They don't tell me everything." "I was thinking we should consider an insanity plea." "What?" "You can't be held responsible for your actions if you were... mentally unstable." "We'll play up your mental problems." "But I don't have mental problems." "I don't have mental problems!" "That's exactly how I want you to say it in court." "Let's go, Reds!" "We're starting!" "Come on, David!" "Give it to me!" "Go!" "Go!" "What position is he playing, for Christ's sake?" "Hello." "Yeah, it's me." "What are you doing?" "You should've been here 15 minutes ago." "Are you messing with me?" "Yes, it's this afternoon!" "I wrote it down on the schedule three days ago!" "Yeah, it's there." "So, what am I supposed to do?" "Finish up what you're doing." "I'll call and tell them I'll be an hour late." "OK, hold on a sec." "A large coffee to go, please." "Come on, man, give me a break!" "Forget it, I'll work it out." "Thanks, you're a pal!" "It was to go." "Thanks." "That's $2.25." "You could be more polite." "I'm sorry?" "I'm the customer." "You're the waiter." "A "please" and "thank you"..." "What is this?" "If you wanna be a waiter " "That's the problem." "I don't wanna be a waiter." "I'm an actor." "Who's missing a huge audition." "And you want me to smile for $2.25?" "While the opportunity of a lifetime is passing me by?" "Doesn't have to be a big smile." "OK." "Have a nice day." "Yes?" "You go." "I'll fill in for you here." "Who'd know the difference?" "We do get customers in here sometimes." "Isn't this your big chance?" "How do I know you won't run away with the cash?" "Take my delivery truck." "It's full of meat." "What's in it for you?" "The satisfaction of making a difference in someone's life." "Bring it back without a scratch." "People might come in." "I can figure out how to make a cup of coffee." "Fly!" "Go, go, go!" "You know you have the easiest job in the whole shop?" "And just so I'm being clear, by that, I mean you're a moron." "And yet despite how mind-blowingly simple your job is, you always manage to mess it up somehow." "It's like every day, you find a new way to push the limits of stupidity." "Essentially, you've only got two things to do." "Two!" "Get meat." "Deliver meat." "The phone's ringing off the hook." "Apparently, today, you forgot to do one of those two things." "You forgot the delivery part!" "No, I'm doing the deliveries now." "I'm delivering my ass off as we speak." "You're more of a meat watchman." "Today, all you're doing is watching the meat." "I'll have a "tell-me-who-you-are- before-I-call-the police"." "The waiter." "I'm the owner." "I do all the hiring." "I'm filling in for Etienne." "He had an important audition." "He can find himself another job." "Sir..." "It's the role of a lifetime." "Cut him some slack." "Slack really isn't the problem here." " What is it then?" " He's no good." "He can't act." "He never gets a role." "Ever." "He sucks." "I'll let you tell him he's not a waiter anymore." "Let him know it's your fault if he can't make his rent." "I lost my job?" "Yeah." "I got the part." "You did?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "Where were you yesterday?" "You were supposed to be here at noon." "I started, but I can't do it all by myself!" "No." "I'll be two seconds!" "Hold on." "Don't go anywhere." " Hello." "That'll be $11.50." " I'm $4 short." "I knew you were gonna fucking bail on me!" "How the hell am I supposed to pay the rent?" "And you owe me money, too!" "Am I gonna see any of that?" "Fuck off and die!" "You said May!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "You're a goddamn liar." "You're a goddamn liar!" "How am I gonna pay for this?" "I don't have a fucking cent!" "You owe me money!" "I want it back!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Miss?" "Don't worry about the $4." "Miss?" "I don't know who you are, but this isn't a good time, OK?" "Get out of my apartment." "Sure, sure." "Absolutely." "But I..." "I'm gonna call the cops!" "No, no need for that!" "But you sound really upset." "And we have a very strict policy about the state of mind in which we leave our customers." "My boss is a real stickler." "He always says: "At..." ""At Rigoletto Pizzeria, we care about our customers." ""We believe in a more human approach to pizza. "" "Are you all right?" "Are you all right?" "No." "Fuck, no!" "Let go!" "Julie." " Let go!" "I want out of here!" " Julie!" "I wanna get out of here!" "Let go of me!" "Who are you, exactly?" "Are you ashamed to admit you're my father?" "No." "You have to sign my release." "Can I have a word with you?" "The good news is, a spot just opened up in our methadone program." "The bad news is, your daughter has no interest in the program." "She's still a minor, so it's up to you." "I..." "We get excellent results." "I'll talk to her." "Can we..." "Hi..." "Dad." "Sign the release." "I don't know who you are, but I'm begging you." " They have a good program." " I can quit on my own." "I just had the scare of my life." "I think the program " "I'd be surrounded by junkies 24 hours a day here." "I'll have a relapse for sure." "They'll help you." "They'll lock me up, and I'll lose my job." "I just started." "It's my dream job." "It's all I've got." "Thank you." "I'm signing the release." "You're making a huge mistake." "She'd be unhappy here." "Right now, she doesn't need to be happy." "She needs to get clean." "She's gonna quit." "Do you love your daughter?" " Yes." " Tell her that." "Then tell her you won't sign her release." "Where do you work?" "At Ogilvy, on Sainte-Catherine." "I never finished school." "A friend got me the job." " You have my phone number?" " Yeah." " Tomorrow, you start work at..." " 8:00." " And you'll be there at..." " 8:00." "I tend to make some very, very bad decisions." "I'd like you to prove to me that this isn't one of them." "You made the right choice." "Thanks, Dad." "...but it's the first time I really injured myself." "It's rare to welcome outsiders to our colony, especially since the Iroquois resumed their attacks on our settlers." "That's very nice of you." "Thanks." "It's rare to welcome outsiders to our colony, especially since the Iroquois resumed their attacks on our settlers." "Push!" "Cheapskate!" "It's rare to welcome outsiders to our colony, especially since the Iroquois resumed their attacks on our settlers." "Watch where you're going." "I think he's an inspector." "We need a hand!" "Did you say "yum-yum"?" "I'm not sure I heard you right." " Did you say "yum-yum"?" " Yeah." "Don't say "yum-yum"!" "I had a revelation." "I realized it's impossible to be a father to 533 children." "It's impossible." "It can't be done." "It can't be done with four." "Exactly, it's impossible." "But I can be their guardian angel." " Their guardian angel?" " Yeah." "I realized these kids need someone in their lives... someone to watch over them." "I'm the donor." "They're my responsibility." "And I accept that responsibility." "So, you're telling me, your mission here on Earth is to watch over 533 children like some sort of superhero." "I didn't say superhero." "When you're watching over them, are you wearing Lycra?" "I didn't say superhero." "I said guardian angel." "So, no Lycra, but you have wings and you play the harp." "You know what?" "I'm feeling more and more comfortable with an insanity plea." "I don't have mental problems." "Perfect." "Say it just like that to the judge." "I haven't slept in four days." "I've never been happier in all my life." "I never thought I could love anyone this much." "He poops eight times a day, and I think I've lost my mind, because I swear," "I worship every single one of his diapers." "Your brother wants to go on parental leave so he can have more time to worship his son's dirty diapers." "I'm entitled by law to parental leave." "I have three kids." "Two hours after each was born, I was here." "Which is why your 11-year-old son hardly recognizes you." "When he comes by, he asks me:" ""Which one is my dad?"" "You gotta have kids, too, David." "Thanks." "Hey there." "Today's my first ultrasound." "Is it?" " I need a friend, not a father." " I'm your friend." " I want to be clear." " It's clear." "Hurry up." "I drank a liter of water and I'm not allowed to pee." "Are you going to ask the sex?" "I want a girl." " That's not how it works." " I want a girl." "It'll be a girl." "Here you can see your baby's profile." "There's a little hand coming into the frame." "There's the profile, with a little hand just above it." "And the little face." "There's the heart beating, which you can see clearly." "See?" "Let's look at the circumference of the head." "I'm not so sure about this." "About what?" "Whether this baby will be a source of happiness." "Look at them." "Look!" "Look at that one!" "I've watched him for 10 seconds, and already I wanna smack him." "I swear, it's all I can do to keep from kicking him in the ass." "It'll be fine, Valerie." "Sure, you can be a bit anal-retentive..." "Remember that woman who drowned her two kids?" "I think I'm the only person on the planet who thought she made a convincing argument." "I'm not saying the kids deserved to die, but they could've listened, for Christ's sake!" "I think it's the best thing that could've happened to us." "Who made you the Dalai Lama?" "What the hell does that mean?" "Look at that one!" "He's eating his boogers!" "They're full of protein." "Valerie, did you know we all have... tremendous untapped resources inside of us?" "Resources?" "What do you mean, "untapped resources"?" "Here's what I know about my resources:" "My kid looks at me like that, he gets a smack upside the head." "You're gonna be a good mother." "OK." "Because I don't trust you at all, what I'm gonna do is..." "I'll name you..." "No." "I'll declare you as the father..." "Yes!" " Yes!" " No, wait." "I'll declare you father-on-a-trial-basis." " Father-on-a-trial-basis!" " Zero screw-ups allowed." " For how long?" " Forever." "OK." "Will the kid have to call me Trial Basis Dad?" "No." "Will I have any kind of costume or sign to wear... that'll set me apart from the regular dads?" "No." "Then I accept." "Your name?" "Léopold Duval." "And you are..." "A friend." "He's over there." "OK, I'll be back." "You're not staying for a visit?" "I wanted to see him." "I saw him." "I'll come back later." "It would make him really happy." "Yeah." "But I..." "Just talk to him." "Hey, Raphael." "Hi." "I was in the neighbourhood." "So I stopped by to see you." "I wanted to talk to you." "You did a good job." "I didn't say anything." "You did a great job." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "Bye, man." "See you later." "I know, I'm late." "I'm really sorry." "Come on." "We'll be late." "We approached Starbuck before filing the suit to see if he was willing to change his mind," "but he categorically refused." "Yes?" "Yes?" "Thank you." "I just wanted to tell you... well, I don't know all of you, but..." "I love you." "I love you all very much." "You're all focusing a lot on Starbuck." "But you can't forget that whatever happens, you're all brothers and sisters." "You've found one another." "Hey, man!" "Thanks!" "You're right." "Yeah, well, thanks." "I always see him in the subway." "What are you doing here?" "I'm Raphael's adoptive father." "Raphael?" "Raphael's disabled." "He's in an institution." "That's why he can't be here tonight." "Julie, this is Marco." "It is Marco, right?" "Marco saved my life at the public pool." "He's a lifeguard." "I'm Raphael's adoptive father." "He's disabled and can't be here tonight." " One of these kids is yours?" " By adoption." "Hey!" "What are you..." "It's Etienne!" "Etienne works at a café in my neighbourhood, but he's an actor, too." "This is Marco, a lifeguard." "Julie, an ex-addict." "I adopted Raphael, a disabled young man who couldn't be here tonight... adopted." "David." "David!" "What are you doing here?" "I spoke to the psychologist." "He said he met you and you're perfectly normal." " I told you so." " You're not normal!" "As of tonight, you're party to a class-action suit against yourself!" " What are you doing here?" " Spying." "The only chance we have is to show that you're not normal." "It's our only chance." "But I am normal." "I've known you 20 years." "You're not normal." "It's time to tell the psychologist about Mariouka." "Mariouka?" "You married a Russian woman you didn't even know!" "She said she'd be my maid for a year." "And she took off after three days." "How much did you lose in that scheme to import Cuban cigars?" "The guy seemed like a legit businessman!" "He walked around in a swimsuit!" "Who does business with a guy in a swimsuit?" "Make sure you mention you once paid $500 for one of Hall and Oates's guitar picks." "When they die, it'll be worth a fortune!" "That won't be for another 30 years!" "Besides, it's Hall and Oates!" "They'd do a gig at a kids' party for $500!" "For once, I'm doing the right thing." "You're not doing the right thing." "Stop going to see your children!" "Hello, David Wozniak." "My name is Antoine." "I'm your biological son." "I don't like being lied to." "Are you going to out me?" "Yeah." "Can't this be our little secret?" " What do you do?" " I work in a butcher shop." "I'm a vegetarian." "So, you murder animals." "No, no!" "I'm just a delivery guy." "I don't kill them." "I just cart them around." "You cart around the carcasses of murdered animals." "Yeah." "I imagined you as a musician." "Are you into music?" "I'm more of a jock." "Like the guys who beat me up in high school." "You got beat up?" "As you can see, I'm a little different." "Different how?" "Most people come into this world out of an act of love." "Most people are conceived in love." "But me..." "I came into this world out of an act of self-abuse." "I was conceived in a little cup." "Can I stay here for a while?" "Yeah." "Cool." "He's excruciating." "He's excruciating!" "He's already called me three times this morning!" "Three times in one morning!" "Do whatever he says." "He can't turn you in." "The conversations are endless, like a police interrogation." "Don't upset him." "Go along with anything he wants." "No." " Answer." " No!" " Answer it now." " No." "No!" "Antoine!" "Go along with anything he wants." "Yes." " You look way too relaxed." " This is a special moment for me." "It's a big step in our relationship." "Nothing they say about me is true, not a word of it!" "They enjoy humiliating me." "They're monsters." "Seriously." "They're monsters!" "David!" "Valerie." "Hello." "Thank you." "Hello!" "Welcome!" "Thank you." "Hi." "Valerie." " Our kids." " Hi!" " Hello, Valerie." " Hello." " He's beautiful." " David!" "Dad!" "Dad, Valerie." "Nice to meet you." "OK, everyone, no stories tonight." "The photo albums are in the living room." "No, not the photo albums." "No pictures!" "No pictures right off the bat!" "Come, let's look at the albums." "Sorry to interrupt." "I want to propose a toast to Valerie, because it's important you know that this..." "Rite of passage." "This rite of passage isn't just about humiliating David." "Although that's a highlight." "That's most definitely a highlight, but it's not the only one." "We showed you everything about David's past because it's important you know what you're getting into." "Now that you know all that..." "I have more pictures." "We'll see them after dessert." "What pictures?" "We've seen them all." "There are no more." "Sniper." "Not Sniper!" " What's Sniper?" " David's band." " No way!" " Yeah, with makeup and everything." "It was the '80s." "Everybody wore makeup!" "I didn't wear makeup in the '80s." "I had to explain to Dad you weren't gay." "What?" "You wore tights." "Now that you know all that and realize the humiliation isn't over, you should also know that... the Wozniaks have had some wonderful times, as well as some difficult ones." " Don't go there." " Why not?" "You know it makes me uncomfortable." "It's embarrassing." "What?" "Come on." "Dad..." "When my wife and I got married, we were very young." "Our dream was to go to Italy for our honeymoon." "But we didn't have much money." "Then came the kids, the business." "We thought: "One day, when we're old and grey. "" "But time passed." "You have to make the most of the present." "Are you all making the most of the present?" "Yes, Dad, we are." "Good." "My wife got sick." "David showed up with two tickets to Venice." "He arranged everything:" "a hotel near the Doge's Palace, gondola rides..." "And then our three sons came to join us." "We had supper together... near the Piazza San Marco." "David paid for everything." "He does things like that." "If you can live with his countless shortcomings... you're in for plenty of beautiful surprises as well." "Let's pray." "Just a little prayer!" "Let's drink!" "How did you pay for your entire family to go to Venice?" "I had the money." "When you were 20?" "Yes." "OK, but where'd you get it?" "Can't I have a secret or two?" "Sure." "As long as you're not growing pot or anything." "Very cute." "I wasn't trying to be cute." "It was a threat." " Have a good game, David." " Thanks!" "You OK?" "Yeah." "You wanna play soccer?" "Yeah!" "Let go." "Now straighten up." "Now that one has to..." "Both have to be straight." "I can't do it." "Not bad." "Switch." "Straight." "Make an L." "Switch." "Yeah!" "All right!" "Switch." "Oh, I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry, guys!" "You won't believe me, but you were good." "Once you realized you can't touch the ball with your hand, you were..." "By then, the game was almost over, but..." "I thought for sure your brother wanted to break my neck." "He wants to break everybody's neck." "You have to come to the lake this weekend." "I have plans with Valerie." "Everyone's gonna be there!" "You're the reason we thought about doing it." "I understand, but I have plans with Valerie." "And we've already spent a lot of time together." "I've got a real family, too." "A real family?" "I mean... my family." "OK." "So, the rest of us don't exist?" "Maybe you put that part of your life behind you, but it doesn't mean the rest of us just vanished." "We exist." "We're here." "And we're also your real family." "I hope you're happy." "I hope you're very happy." "I hope you really, truly appreciate this." "Because thanks to you, I had to lie to Valerie." "Thanks to you," "I had to lie to the woman who's carrying my baby." "And as far as lying goes..." "I'm done." "Did you bring me here to tell everyone who I am?" "No." "I want to keep you for myself." "All right!" "Cheese?" "This one's a bit heavier." "Right!" "How many for tofu?" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven." "I just want to say..." "I think it's disgusting, people who murder tofu for food." "I don't know if you've ever seen a tofu slaughterhouse, but it's horrible." "What they do to the tofu is shocking." "But I'll cook some up for you anyway." "See what happens when I put it on the grill?" "Exactly what it tastes like... nothing!" "I love my adoptive family." "I adore them." "I'm sure you all feel the same way." "We all love our adoptive families." "There's no doubt." "But this has been the best weekend of my life." "It would be really unfair for anyone to miss out on having a family like this." "I don't know." "Don't you think so?" "David!" "Hey, David!" "That was a lot of fun." "See you soon." "Raphael!" "I just want you to know..." "I'm your father." "Go ahead." "Have a great day!" "Have a great day, ma'am." "Have a great day, big guy." "Careful, your hat." "Have a great day." "Coffee?" "Toast?" "Eggs?" "No, I'm fine." " Busy weekend?" " Nothing special." "I stayed home and read The Lord of the Rings." "Lie to your girlfriend all you want." "Lying is the basis of a solid relationship." "But I'm not your girlfriend." "So before you tell me you spent the weekend with Frodo and Gandalf, have a good look at this." "THE CHILDREN OF STARBUCK" "It's not cutting-edge investigative journalism, but The Times and Paris Match are interested in the story," "which means, by bedtime tonight, somewhere between 4 and 5 billion people" "will be wondering:" ""Who the fuck is Starbuck?"" "Is this good news?" "Is this good for the trial?" "Is this a situation we can turn to our advantage?" " Yes." " Yes?" "Time to get aggressive." "A countersuit." "We're suing the clinic, too." "For what?" "Libel." "You should hear what they're saying about Starbuck." " Like what?" " Awful stuff." "But it's fine!" "With the countersuit, we'll settle your debts." "We'll even make money." "We'll get... a crapload of money!" "You want me to sell my children to pay off my debts." "They're not your children!" "I want to come clean." "You can't tell them who you are." "They're my children." "OK." "But first I want you to hear what people are saying." "I'm telling you this as your friend." "How can one man be so devoid of humanity that he... so devoid of humanity that he can bring so many children into this world?" "You gotta be oblivious." "Yeah, you have to be stupid or mentally unstable." "I'd like to meet that guy and ask him a few questions." "WHO IS STARBUCK?" "What do you think about this whole Starbuck thing?" "It's horrible." "Why's that?" "Because it's horrible." "Don't you think so?" "I don't know." "What was he thinking?" "I'm sure he didn't think his sperm would be used as much as it was or that his profile would become so public." "He's a pervert, plain and simple." "He's not a pervert!" " Yes, he is!" " No, he's not!" "After 655 times, what's the difference between that and prostitution?" "It's not prostitution!" " It's all the same." " No, it's not!" "When somebody pays you to masturbate, it's prostitution!" " Can I help you?" " Do you have a 533-seat stroller?" " No." " No!" "Because it's not normal to have 533 children, is it?" "Imagine how mortified those children must be." "It's a national disgrace!" "How does this make us look?" "For an air-conditioned room to beat off in," "I'd pay $35 any day." "But them paying me $35?" "That's a sweet deal!" "Why not?" "You're gonna do it anyway." "It's like taking money to breathe." "I'm sure that guy will never come forward." "Imagine being known as Sergeant Pecker the rest of your life?" "How could you work?" "No matter what you'd say in a meeting, you'd still be Starbuck to everyone." "You could make an awesome pitch, but they'd still think:" ""Hey, it's El Masturbator!"" "Anyone ever donate?" "David, you must have donated sperm at one time or another." "No." "What about when you lived next to the LaFrance Clinic." "No." "When you were a kid, you were always jerking off." "Cut it out, dammit!" "I said cut it out!" "Can't you shut your mouth for once?" "Take it easy." "David... your brothers want a word with you in the office." "Some thugs showed up at Dad's." "They threw him in the bathtub." "They want their $80,000." " I went to all the banks." " Find the money." "We're filing the countersuit." "Excellent." "I've got everything." "It's all ready." "GOOD LUCK, DAD" "A SPOKESMAN FOR THE CHILDREN OF STARBUCK" "David." "All rise." "We shall take the matter under advisement." "Court is adjourned." "Why are they taking so long?" "I don't know, David." " What don't you know?" " Nothing, OK?" "I don't know anything!" "Absolutely nothing!" "My mother was right." "I'm worthless." "I'm out of my league, David!" "You should've hired a real lawyer!" "Yes!" "Yes." "Yes, all right." "The ruling's in." "Please be seated." "Both parties will receive a detailed written account in which you will be able to read that Starbuck... is wholly and unequivocally entitled to his anonymity." "He is also entitled to receive the compensation claimed from the LaFrance Clinic for damages and interest." "Starbuck will be entitled to keep his identity secret, and will receive $200,000 in damages and interest," "a verdict that will shock many and disappoint many more." "I feel for all the children in the class-action suit, but I am extremely proud to have defended my client's rights." "I'd like to say hello to my own children and... my mother." "I won, Mom." "I won." "I got an A+!" "I also wanna say... well... we did it, David!" "No..." "We did it!" "No!" "Shut up!" "No!" "Who's David?" "David is my lover." "He supported me." "Thank you, my darling David." "I love you." "I love you, David." "Are you disappointed, or did you expect this verdict?" "Obviously, we're disappointed." "But it's not all bad." "What we found out today... is that the law does not require Starbuck to come forward." "But there's more to this than the law." "There's us." "And there's him." "Beyond the law, there are human beings." "Ultimately, the choice is his." "He can stay in hiding." "But now that he's seen us, he could decide to reveal his identity on his own." "There's been a massive anti-Starbuck backlash in the media." "We want our father to know... we don't see him as a pervert." "We see him as someone who gave happiness and life... to people who really needed it." "Thank you." "Congratulations... darling." "I had it." "For the first time ever, I got it all right, and I had to go and fuck it up." "My mother caught it all on television." "Was she surprised to find out you have a male lover?" "No, she said she always suspected it." "She thinks we make a cute couple." "What about your kids?" "They think it's cool." "I wanted to ask you... incidentally... theoretically... if I reveal my identity now, do I lose the money from the countersuit?" "Theoretically... do I lose the money from the countersuit?" "Yes, I think so." "I was officially trying to turn my life around." "It's harder than I thought." "Dad..." "I'm Starbuck." "You're "El Masturbator"?" "For once in my life," "I'd like to make the right decision." "I'd like to be a normal person." "What would a normal person do in this situation?" "A normal person wouldn't be in this situation." "I know, but let's just say they were, OK?" "You know what?" "You're probably one of the few people who can cope in a situation as screwed up as this one." "Why don't you tell them?" "Because, as you know, I've got money problems." "Your debts." "You know I grew up in unspeakable poverty." "I know, Dad." "When I left Warsaw to come to Canada, my father gave me $10." "It's all he had." "I couldn't refuse his help, but I promised I'd pay him back a thousand times over when I made my fortune." "My father died while your mother and I were still penniless." "I always wondered... what was more difficult for him:" "not having given enough to his children or not having been beside them during the hard times." "My greatest achievement in life... has been to have you all beside me every single day." "That's my greatest achievement." "So, like my father before me..." "I want to help you." "Here." "Here's $10." "Dad..." "It brought me luck." "So take the $10." "And take your share of the butcher shop." "It's your inheritance." "In small bills." "I'm scared I'll be a disappointment to them." "Why would you be?" "Because I'm just a meat-delivery guy." "And a terrible one at that." "True, you're terrible at delivering meat." "It takes you four times longer than it takes anyone else." "But wherever you go... people love you." "They'll love you." "Everyone loves you." "That doesn't worry me one bit." "MY NAME IS DAVID WOZNIAK." "I AM STARBUCK." "Heads up!" "We're live in eight, seven, six..." "We'll be right there, sir!" "Valerie!" "Mr. Wozniak?" "There are some people here for you." "Is he healthy?" "Yes." "So, can you come in to work tomorrow?" "This is a bit weird, huh?" "Sorry." "My name is David." "David Wozniak." "And I'm your biological father." "And you all have a new little brother." "He showed up a bit early, but he's doing very well." "Can we see him?" "Sure." "I'll see what I can arrange." "Valerie." "He's so small." "Valerie." "Will you marry me?" "Don't you wanna see whether my figure comes back?" "If you stay flabby, I'll get flabby, too." "Is this the first time "flabby" has been used in a marriage proposal?" "I'm Starbuck." "Why?" "Why are you always trying to con me?" "How could you think a proposal would make it easier to swallow the fact you have 533 children?" "Well, you can forget about this child." "Let me be clear on two things." "First, you asked me to change as quickly as possible, and that's exactly what I'm doing." "I've thought about this a lot." "I've concluded that nobody can make that decision for me." "Not a judge, not my family, not Paul Arcand, not even you." "I'll decide whether or not I'm that child's father." "My name is David Wozniak, and I am the father of that child." "Me." "You can say or do whatever you want." "It won't change the fact that I am that child's father." "The other fact that won't change is that I'm Starbuck." "I know it's freaky." "Nobody's gone through this before." "We're like the first astronauts on the moon." "But I see... infinite possibilities for happiness... and an incredible amount of free babysitting." "Second..." "That was a very long point." "I admit the first point was a bit on the long side." "Second... the proposal... was for real." "The second point was shorter." "I think I managed to be more succinct with that one." "I've already revealed my identity." "You did?" "Promise me you'll take me to Venice someday." "On behalf of all of your real family, thank you."