"will!" "This place is a pit." "You better clean it up before Mom and Dad get home." "It's cool, max out, HiI, they won't be home for hours." "They're here." "Nighty-night." "Hi, Aunt Viv." "I didn't hear you pull up." "Where's uncle phil?" "He's out back, turning on the sprinklers." "will!" "Another crumpet, CeciI?" "Perhaps just one." "My compliments to your cook." "actually, I baked them myself." "You don't say?" "A butler having to do the baking?" "I'm sorry, it's just a butler having to cook... is rather like a butler having to clean." "Yo, what's up, the butler posse?" "Yo, C, you looking buffed, man." "What, you been pumping iron?" "I do what I can, homes." "Care to join us in a spot of tea and crumpets, Master william?" "No, that's all right, I'm driving later, man." "Y'aII go ahead and get busy without me." "None of that sniffing furniture polish, all right?" "Just say no." "Thank goodness the CrandoIfs only have poodIes." "At least I don't have to follow him around with a pooper-scooper." "By the way, did I tell you, the CrandoIfs have expanded my wing?" "The spa is really quite lovely." "well, I have a Jacuzzi." "You mean those foaming bath tablets they gave you last Christmas?" "They're quite exhilarating if you sit directly on them." "Did I mention that the CrandoIfs have installed... a wonderful new home-entertainment center for me?" "The Banks have just given me a fabulous new television set... with quadraphonic sound, remote control and a satellite dish." "Hey, yo, G. Can I borrow your new TV, man?" "certainly, Master william, it's in my suite." "No, it ain't, G. It's right here." "Buy a vowel, you moron." "Buy a vowel!" "What are you gunning for?" "Pass it!" "If I were you, will, I'd be more concerned with passing the PSATs." "Yeah, and if I were you I'd get a red nose... and a set of big floppy shoes, and call it a day." "Laugh now, but in 10 years I'II be a successful lawyer... and you'II be asking people if they want extra ketchup." "If you paid attention in class, Iike I do... you'd know you can't study for an aptitude test." "You either have it or you don't." "Yeah, right, and in kindergarten they told me... it didn't make a difference where you put the round peg." "Next thing I knew I was in the back of the class with a guy who ate paste." "Never again." "I'm studying all weekend." "carlton, that is not normal, man." "What kind of fool works night and day?" "Boy, do I have a Iot of work to do this weekend." "Hey, uncle phil." "Like I was saying, carlton, a wise man knows the value of hard work." "Look, Dad, I just went through my practice PSAT test again." "I just shaved seven seconds off my time." "Whoa, nelly." "Very good, carlton." "You're gonna get a gold star on your chart right next to "put away toys"... and "stay dry through the night."" "philip, Geoffrey's annual raise is coming up and I think we should discuss it." "We won't bring it up until he does." "Madam, sir..." "I have just taken the liberty of rotating your tires... re-grouting the pool... and drawing up plans for a small gazebo." "I hope it is to your satisfaction." "I think he just brought it up." "carlton, will you quit?" "Quit: from the Latin, quietare, to be at rest or satisfied." "He's been doing this all morning." "It's really irritating." "Irritate: from the Latin, irritare, to excite or stimulate." "Okay, carlton, that's enough." "Vivian, his PSATs are this morning." "He's just trying to be prepared." "Prepare: from the Latin, praeparare, to make ready." "carlton, shut up." "Shut up: from the big guy, your father." "Come on, Viv, come on." "Come on." "Is this how you prepare for a test?" "well, yeah, sort of." "See, what it was is we're gonna be sitting down for a Iot of hours... so I just thought I'd do something to get my blood flowing." "Come on, will, we better get going." "I want to get there early so I can get my pick of the pencils." "Before you go, son, I have a little surprise for you." "It's my old Princeton sweatshirt." "I was gonna save it until... you went off to college, but I thought you might like to have it today." "Dad, I don't know what to say." "This means so much to me." "I'II wear it for good luck." "Or you could throw it up in the air and cover that big hole in the ozone." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes, Geoffrey." "We wanted to discuss your annual raise." "In light of your exemplary service over this past year..." "I'd Iike to offer you an additional $20 a week." "I'm sorry?" "I thought you said $20 per week." "I did." "Very well." "Dinner at 7:00 as usual, sir?" "Of course that's not all, Geoffrey." "Of course not, sir." "I really didn't think so." "Why don't you treat yourself to a new uniform, on me." "Thank you, sir, you're most kind." "And with my newfound wealth..." "I can treat myself to a Happy meal." "Junk mail, bills, PSAT scores, bills." "Man." "Did you say "PSAT scores"?" "Yeah." "Give me those." "Yo, beat it, man." "Come on, will." "Yo, beat it, man." "will." "Who's the most handsome guy in the world?" "You are, will." "And who's the biggest weenie on the planet for $400?" "I am." "Give me those." "Man, I don't care what these scores say." "You're a dumb young man." "Yes!" "Mom !" "Dad!" "I got a 1 14 on the PSATs." "I'm smart." "I'm brilliant." "I'm the most intelligent person who ever lived." "That is fantastic, baby." "Son, I'm so proud of you." "will, why don't you open yours?" "I got a 91 ." "carlton, that's enough." "A 91 is... a very good reason why you should take this test again, will." "I'd be happy to help you out." "I am in the 90th percentile." "Let's see that." "You said you got a 1 14?" "You got a 1 16." "That's impossible." "hold it, the 91 must be my percentile." "But then, that means that...." "I'm the most intelligent guy in the world." "You know, carlton, you're gonna love driving those big rigs, man." "Mom, make him stop." "You can have my job, Master carlton." "I quit." "I don't believe it." "You couldn't have done better than me." "Somewhere there's an Asian will Smith and he's really ticked." "carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right?" "But I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone." "Everyone still knows I have the superior intellect." "Then why are you using car wax on the window?" "This a window, this is Windex." "Can you say that, little boy?" "Daddy, Geoffrey wouldn't just quit." "What did you do to him?" "ashley, I'm just glad you didn't have to see him leave." "There was a tear in his eye as he walked down the driveway... took one last look at us, and gave a sad little wave." "And fortunately you're too young to know what he was waving." "I can't wait to be grown up." "That grocery store was a snake pit." "I almost got thrown out of the express line for being one item over the limit." "You'd be surprised how fast you can eat a sponge cake when you have to." "Vivian, hilary's going to fix us a lovely meal." "well, Mama CeIeste and uncle Ben do deserve some credit." "You know, it's hot in here with that oven on." "What do you think?" "It's like 91?" "Or a measly little 90?" "I'm telling you, will, it was a computer error." "I'II bet anything." "About what?" "About $91?" "Laundry's done." "Thank you, ashley, it was sweet of you to help out." "My... everything is so pink." "carlton baby, would you put the mustard in the refrigerator, please?" "I know what you're implying." "You don't think I can cut the mustard, do you?" "You think I'm not as smart as will." "You think just because he did better on the exam that he's a better person." "Sweetheart, that's ridiculous." "carlton, now will's just teasing." "We all think you did really good." "Good?" "That's just another way of saying I stink, isn't it?" "Maybe I have hit a little slump, but I'm sure even albert Einstein had a bad day." "God knows he never combed his hair." "The point is other great minds have faced adversity and it made them all the better." "And I, too, shall overcome." "well, I won't." "Not without Geoffrey." "philip, we have got to get him back and I don't care if we have to beg." "Yeah, Daddy." "I don't get down on my knees and beg to anyone." "Oh, no!" "But I'm not adverse to sitting up and begging." "Admit it, will, I beat you in gym." "Okay, fine, carlton, you got your shorts on way faster than me." "Right." "Of course, yours have a Iot shorter distance to travel." "It doesn't matter anyway." "I've got this whole PSAT thing all figured out." "I was just nervous." "I lost my stride." "But now everything's back to normal, carlton is back on top." "Good morning, class." "Today we're going to have a little pop quiz." "A quiz?" "But, Coach smiley, I didn't have a chance to study." "That's why they call it a pop quiz, Banks." "Anyway, pass these down." "You know the rules." "I'II be in the back, listening to the game." "Good luck, men." "My life is over." "I'II be expelled." "They'II send me away." "I'II have to get a Jheri curl and a tattoo." "I'II be subjected to over-crowding, bad food... and daily threats of personal violence." "carlton, I don't think they'II send you to prison for cheating on a test." "I'm not talking about prison." "I'm talking about public school." "would you hold it together, carlton?" "Look, man, I'II get you through this." "But I tried to cheat off your paper." "What's in it for you?" "well, until someone proves otherwise, you are my cousin, man." "Look, sit down, here they come, follow my lead." "Hey, Dr. T, how you doing?" "How's carol and the kids?" "Fine, will, and the knee?" "A Iot better now." "Hey, I Iike what you've done with the office." "Thank you." "carlton, I must say, I'm surprised to see you." "What is this all about, Coach?" "AII I know is this:" "I went through four years of school on a football scholarship... and graduated with honors." "So I know a thing or two about cheating." "carlton, I think it's time for you to come out of the closet." "Whoa !" "Now there's no need for that in here, boys." "Coach, are you familiar with the sports injury... cerebraI-spinaI-refrictionation?" "Sure, I mean, isn't everyone?" "Then you are familiar with how a refrictionation constrains... the range of motion of the upper neck?" "Sure, yeah, that's one symptom." "Then you know that a refrictionation is often brought on by... some form of stress and it... manifests itself in a compulsive craning of the neck." "Whoa, carlton, you look like one's coming on now." "You don't happen to be feeling any stress now, do you?" "No, I...." "Yes, I think I feel it coming on." "Banks, I'm surprised you didn't come to me sooner." "He's probably a little embarrassed, Coach." "I mean, as you can see, he looks like a complete idiot." "well, that's very true." "You know, I think there seems to be just a big misunderstanding here." "I couId have caught it myself if I hadn't been so involved in the game." "Did I say game?" "I meant the crisis in the Soviet Union." "Dr. ThorvaId, there is no cheating going on here." "This is obviously a case of cerebraI-spinaI...." "Whatever he said." "You're dismissed, Banks." "will, you did it." "You got me out of cheating." "Yes!" "No!" "There I was in the middle of an arbitration between two of my biggest clients... and I get pulled out because Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid here... want to pull a fast one." "Now, I want an explanation." "well, look, uncle PhiI" "Be quiet." "Don't even look at me." "I cannot believe you boys." "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" "Now, what do you think your punishment should be?" "Yo, come on, man, that's a setup." "You are grounded until we can think of something worse to do to you." "Now move it." "Have you any idea what we're supposed to do right now?" "You heard the man." "Get upstairs!" "Come on, man." "Is everything all straightened up?" "Geoffrey'II be here any minute." "There he is now." "We agreed, I will do the negotiating." "AII right, but remember, play it cool." "He doesn't have to know that we're desperate." "Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Banks." "Geoffrey, thank God!" "Miss hilary." "Miss ashley." "It's been a nightmare here without you." "Geoffrey, we're so glad you could come." "please sit." "Geoffrey, since you quit, philip and I have been doing a Iot of taIking" "I might as well tell you right now..." "I won't come back for a penny less than $80 more per week." "We'II give you $100 a week." "Thank you." "That's most generous." "But there is one more thing." "Of course there would be some perks, Geoffrey." "An extra week's vacation... alternate weekends off, two nights a week off, and extra help for parties." "Thank you." "But that wasn't it." "What do you want?" "A car?" "A StairMaster?" "A fax machine?" "What?" "I think I know what it is that Geoffrey wants... and he deserves it." "Geoffrey..." "I apologize for taking you for granted." "Thank you, sir." "That's all I require." "unless you'd be willing to consider a fuII-time cook... preferably Jamaican, with an incredible set of... cookware." "You're pushing it, Geoffrey." "It was worth a try." "I'II get my things." "welcome back." "Geoffrey, I'm so glad you're back." "I have this huge grape stain on my white cat suit." "That was pretty good, Vivian." "Of course, I might have given in on the Jamaican cook." "Let's get one thing straight here, I wear the cookware in this house." "Come in." "Busy, will?" "I was about to jet to the Riviera with Whitney Houston... but since I'm grounded, I guess I can spare five or six months." "will, I'm sorry I got you into trouble." "Hey, forget it, man." "I shouldn't have been ranking you on your test scores in the first place." "Why not?" "You had a right to gloat." "I would have." "In fact, I would have gloated better than you did." "Ten times better." "carlton, please, come on, man." "This competition thing has got to stop." "AII right?" "You a smart dude." "You don't need a test to tell you that." "Yes, I do." "carlton, look, I beat you by one stinking Iousy point." "I mean that's just because I'm down with this math thing." "Hey, you stomped me on the verbal section." "You're a Iot more" "articulate, eloquent, erudite?" "No, wordy." "Now, look, carlton, there's a Iot of things that you do better than me." "Like what?" "I don't know, carlton, you get straight A's... and posture, you got great posture... and you tie a tie real good." "True." "I am a much better dresser than you... and I speak better, and I drive better... and people definitely like me a whole lot more." "Looks like my work's done here." "Good night, carlton." "And my manners are vastly superior to yours... and when it comes to personal hygiene, God knows, there's no comparison." "You know, carlton, there's one other thing you do great, man." "There is?" "What?" "You irritate the hell out of me!" "Now, get out of my room !" "Thanks, will." "english"