"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪" "Aah!" "(creaking)" "I got to tell you." "I love the "boys night in" concept." "Two dudes just letting it all hang out." "(grunting)" "What are you doing?" "Stan, just get the prostate surgery, you cheapskate." "No, I'm trying to wear out this chair." "Francine won't let me buy a La-Z-Boy until this one breaks." "You can buy a La-Z-Boy?" "I thought you could only win them on game shows." "I would love one of those." "Scoot over, I'll help." "(both grunting)" "Finally tonight, Terry and I have some wonderful news:" "We're adopting a ten-year-old Russian boy." "That's right, Greg, and we invite you to join us as we turn the camera on ourselves in a four-part series we're calling..." "NARRATOR (reading):" "People often ask us, "How happy are you that you were able to adopt your gorgeous daughter?"" "And the answer is, happy... ish?" "Plus we realized we still needed something to fill our empty third bedroom." "NARRATOR:" "And that thing was a son." "Follow Greg and Terry's journey as they open their hearts to..." "Oh, Greg, look!" "That's the public toilet where we fell in love!" "(door shuts)" "Look at this." "Greg and Terry are adopting a little boy from Russia." "And they invited us to the shower!" "Pass." "Pass." "Well, too bad." "They're our neighbors and our friends." "And we're all going." "(sighs) Fine, I'll go." "But only because I like playing with that awesome baton collection they keep under their bed." "Stan... just wash your hands after." "Yes!" "We wore out the chair!" "Bring on the La-Z-Boy!" "Looks like it's time for a little spring cleaning." "(laughing)" "Okay, Stan, it wasn't that funny." "Stop it, Stan." "Stan, stop it!" "You're scaring me!" "Francine, get in here!" "It's happening again!" "(laughing)" "(indistinct chatter)" "Thanks for picking up the shower gift, Roger." "No problem." "I just Googled "Russian Boy Toys."" "Then I grabbed a nap, hopped in the shower, and went to Toys "R" Us." "(doorbell rings)" "It's so cool that Greg and Terry are adopting another child." "Although it is a shame they couldn't conceive naturally." "Lord knows how much I hear them trying." "(music playing, people conversing) Welcome, Smiths." "Come in." "(Roger gasps)" "Where am I?" "This music." "The mind-blowing furniture." "The spectacular people who look like they all must have passports." "Bonsoir, mes amis." "Champagne?" "Check it out-- two chicks dancing." "ROGER:" "They're making a statement." "I don't understand it, but I want to so bad!" "O-M-triple-G!" "Is that Liev Schreiber?" "!" "Yeah, the Tesla's completely reversed my carbon footprint." "Every time I start the car, I'm giving back to the Earth." "That's both environmentally friendly and you're Liev Schreiber!" "It's incredible!" "As is that scarf." "But tell me, Liev Schreiber, why are you still wearing it inside?" "It's just part of my outfit." "This is good." "(insects chirring)" "(tapping glass)" "We want thank you all so much for coming." "And even though Michael doesn't arrive until tomorrow, we know he'd want us to experience the joy of opening his gifts for him." "A Waterford Crystal teddy bear!" "ALL:" "Aw!" "You guys, an authentic 17th century chaise longue?" "Ah, our new son will go perfectly with this." "Fabulous, fabulous." "Wonderful." "(indistinct chatter)" "Okay, what fabulous gift should we open next?" "Stan's Uncle Roger!" "You're going the wrong way." "Get over here with that gift!" "A-Actually, I might've mis-shopped, heh." "Clown wrapping paper?" "How kitsch!" "Oh, oh, you love the paper?" "That-that's the gift!" "Response achieved!" "It's some sort of tote bag with what appears to be a... man-spider?" "You don't know Spider-Man?" "He sticks to walls like this." "This cheese is too hot." "It's not sticking." "I've never been so humiliated!" "Roger, the Spider-Man backpack was a fine gift." "No, it wasn't!" "Greg and Terry have culture." "Something which is severely lacking in this household." "That's not true." "Ugh, Francine, the food at that party was gross." "Please tell me we got pizza poppers." "Pizza poppers?" "!" "♪ Puh-puh-puh-pizza popper ♪" "♪ Pizza popper ♪" "♪ Pizza popper dance!" "♪" "Make mine puh-puh-pepperoni!" "Make mine puh-puh-puh-pineapple!" "Greg and Terry's daughter speaks French and only French!" "Roger, you're overreacting." "Okay, we're plenty sophisticated here." "(doorbell rings)" "Someone order a La-Z-Boy?" "A La-Z-Boy-- perfect!" "That only proves my point!" "Hey, yesterday, you were as excited about it as I was!" "That was when I thought a recliner was the height of aspiration." "It's all so clear to me now." "I'm Frasier and you're Frasier's dad." "That's not true." "(barks)" "That was weird, but well timed." "Anyway, this is not my fault, it's yours!" "If I hadn't wasted all these years with you ill-mannered monsters," "I would've known better than to give a Spider-Man backpack as a gift!" "You guys have dragged me down to your level!" "(door slams)" "(door slams twice)" "I broke the door!" "(door slams) Fixed it!" "Wow, he's really upset." "Francine, I'm sure he..." "Ah!" "Stan, are you all right?" "Stan?" "Stan, can you hear me?" "!" "Daddy?" "!" "The chair has him now." "Stan, wake up." "You've been down here all night." "Oh, Fran-Fran." "Hi, baby." "How are you?" "Oh, you're so pretty." "Look how relaxed my muscles are." "GREG (on TV):" "Well, the big moment is finally here." "We're about to meet our new son." "It's really happening." "Michael." "Michael, it's us." "Your new parents." "Oh, my God, he's perfect!" "Paposhkas." "Roger is their adopted baby?" "But that can't be." "I just saw Roger sleeping in the attic." "He was two pillows and a soccer ball." "Oh, wait a minute." "Welcome to your new room, Michael." "(Russian accent):" "So, what is system in America?" "Do I put sock on door handle if I am being raped?" "(clears throat)" "Guys, can you give us a second?" "Michael, we're happy you're here, but you're gonna have to lose the nasty accent." "It's nasty, nasty." "(speaks normally):" "Sure, no problem, how's this?" "I told you he'd be a genius." "The trick to parenting is patience." "Now, what sophisticated stuff are we gonna do first?" "Michael, this is your Life Binder." "Your new daddies have already planned out your entire future with color-coded tabs." "I'll treasure this for the rest of my color-coded life." "Okay, now, to bed with you." "This antique chaise longue is my bed?" "Yes, and this is 400-year-old wood, so you have to sleep very carefully." "Yeah, try not to put all your weight on it." "(wood creaks)" "Snuggly." "Sweet dreams, angel." "(light knocking on glass)" "Roger, you have to come home right now." "Get lost, this is my home now." "Yeah?" "Well, what are you gonna do when the actual Russian kid shows up?" "Oh, I took care of that." "(speaking Russian)" "Right here, honey." "(screams)" "They have big plans for me." "By February, I'll have mastered conversational Japanese." "And I think I saw something in here about Dartmouth." "Yup, I'm going to Dartmouth." "♪ Dartmouth fight song ♪" "♪ Dartmouth fight song. ♪" "Those words probably aren't right, but I got a fifty-fifty shot the tune's dead-on." "Ugh, quit pretending you're something you're not." "I know exactly who I am." "I wasted years in that double-wide trailer you call a house." "You've given me nothing and I deserve everything." "I've given you nothing?" "You... betrayer." "Roger, you are coming home with me if I have to drag you out." "Oh, really?" "'Cause from here, you're a grown man standing in a ten-year-old's bedroom after bedtime." "Paposhkas!" "Stan?" "Oh, hi, I'm, uh... selling magazine subscriptions and we're offering a two-year deal on House Beautiful." "(gasps) This is a Dwell household." "Get out of here." "Fine, I'm leaving." "(Russian accent):" "Bad man remind me of caretaker at orphanage who touch us with rake." "Oh, Michael... accent." "Okay, children." "Quick, organic breakfast, and then you, mademoiselle, are going downtown to get your very own Lena Dunham upper arm tattoo." "I like Lena Dunham." "It's nice to see someone with my exact body type succeed." "Terry, hon, you want to make us something easy?" "Say, frittatas?" "Coming right up." "Violent." "Those eggs are not cage-free." "The store was out, I-I didn't think it mattered." "Of course it matters." "I'm very particular about what I put in my body." "Yeah, unless you're on a booze cruise in Mazatlán." "Might I remind you that you selected him." "I'm going out to get more eggs." "The kind of eggs I thought we'd agreed to eat for the rest of our lives." "(door slams shut)" "Secret junk food time." "Quick, eat up." "He'll be back in 15 minutes." "Wha..." "What are you doing?" "Taking a little break from Greg's impossibly high expectations." "Wait a minute, I thought you were Greg." "No, I'm Terry." "Anyway, everything has to be so perfect with him." "But, you know, sometimes you just want a Ho Ho." "Eat up!" "Oh, my God!" "Papa, you're not sophisticated!" "You're a brute!" "I mean, Ho Hos are..." "Our little secret?" "You're really bad at eating." "(bird chirping)" "Dad, why are we putting all this stuff from the garage out on the lawn?" "Roger said we have no class?" "Well, the crappier our house, the more Roger and his new highbrow family will hate living across from us." "Uh, how much for this old fridge?" "Oh, this isn't a yard sale, it's yard clutter." "But feel free to stick around, smoke, maybe defecate by a bush." "Ah, I should go to work." "(door opens)" "Hey, neighbors!" "Oh, my God, what is he doing?" "!" "I'll take care of this." "Your chair's in the sightline of my fabulous life." "Get it inside." "Oh, am I an eyesore to your perfect little world?" "At least I'm not an ear-sore." "Or maybe I am." "(plays "Life Is a Highway")" "You're a classless lout!" "What's that?" "You want it loud?" "(volume increases)" "Yeah!" "♪ Life is a highway ♪" "♪ I wanna ride it ♪" "♪ All night long, oh!" "♪" "Uh!" "I have permission!" "(sighs)" "What's wrong?" "Has the fish turned?" "No, the food is resplendent, but I can't eat." "I just keep seeing Stan in that terrible chair." "Uh!" "I know, that La-Z-Boy." "Yuck." "You know what we should do, just to teach him a lesson?" "We should get one of those chairs." "What?" "!" "You're kidding, right?" "Well, we'd buy it ironically, of course." "And since it's my idea," "I'd sit in it most of the time." "You know, mockingly." "No, no, bad idea!" "Greg, tell him!" "Hmm..." "So it's... satirical home decor performance art." "I'm starting to see this." "What's happening right now?" "!" "Ooh, and you know what'd make Stan really mad?" "If I fell asleep in the La-Z-Boy a few nights a week watching reruns of Martin." "Oh, he would hate that!" "Excuse me a moment." "A La-Z-Boy?" "And he convinced Greg to go along with it?" "I didn't throw an orphan out of an airplane just to have Terry drag me back to a life of unsophistication!" "I clearly have no choice." "I have to kill Terry." "MAN:" "You're gonna kill who?" "You heard me?" "Now you have to die, too." "What about me?" "Okay, how many people are in this bathroom?" "If you're in the bathroom, please step out where I can see you." "The Washington Wizards pep team?" "You guys all fit in there?" "We do everything together." "T-shirt time!" "Go, Wizards!" "Go, Wizards!" "Over here!" "Over here!" "I'm the loudest!" "I got the most pep!" "Free T-shirt." "Give me your shirt and I'll let everyone live." "No way, man." "I want this to sleep in." "Well, then everybody's getting it!" "Oh, I only have six bullets." "All right, everybody stay here." "I gotta, I gotta go get more of something." "(snarling)" "(barking)" "Stan, work's calling." "Just explain to them what I'm doing." "Uh... uh... okay." "(barking continues)" "There he is." "Okay, Manslaughter, it's showtime!" "(barking viciously)" "(barking continues)" "What the hell is he up to?" "What are you doing?" "That's Terry's brake line!" "Wait-- are you trying to kill Terry?" "!" "Daddies!" "He's scaring me again." "With his gruff voice and farmer hands." "Guys, there's something you should know!" "Michael isn't who you think he is!" "Stan, your insane fixation on Michael is unsettling." "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave our family alone." "But you're in danger!" "You've gotta believe me!" "(sighs)" "Hey, how are the magazine sales going?" "I've only sold three subscriptions." "You gotta stay upbeat, Stan." "Marcus is two sales away from the skateboard." "Marcus's dad is a dentist!" "He's just restocking his waiting room!" "Okay, we're not gonna let weird, ol' Stan Smith spoil our surprise, are we, Corbin-Bates family?" "Skinny jeans for Michael!" "I can't wait to see them on you." "(grunting)" "(chuckles)" "You don't..." "you don't happen to have any Spanx lying around, do you?" "(grunting)" "Stop it, Greg!" "He's not gonna fit!" "They're past my ankles, keep pulling." "I'll do better!" "(grunts) Great." "We were all gonna wear skinny jeans and no shirts for our Christmas photo." "But now it's ruined, it's all ruined!" "It's okay." "Look, we're all way too stressed out." "Why don't we just take a relaxing trip to the lake house?" "You have a lake house?" "It's gonna be nice to get out of town and away from that ape across the street." "I hear ya." "Actually, now that we have a minute to breathe, there's something I need to talk to you about." "I found these used Ho Ho wrappers in the outside garbage." "Oh." "That's right." "It seems as though Michael has brought a rather trashy element into our home." "Oh, y-yeah, Michael." "Those Ho Hos definitely belong to Michael." "The moment we get to the lake house, you and I have to confront him about this." "I will not tolerate the deterioration of our way of life." "That's a great idea." "Yeah, let's confront Michael when we get there." "TERRY:" "If Greg talks to him, Michael will out me!" "I'll lose everything!" "I have no choice." "Before they can talk, I have to kill Michael." "(brakes squeak)" "Hey." "We still up for this?" "Still gonna kill this guy?" "Yes!" "Shut up!" "You're gonna blow it!" "Oh, it's beautiful here." "Hey, I got an idea." "Maybe Terry and I could go out on the lake... alone." "Actually, Michael, there's something" "Terry and I wanted to discuss with you." "No, no, no, that can wait." "A canoe trip, you say?" "Just the two of us?" "Nobody around?" "Sounds perfect." "So what do you say, Little Miss?" "Hmm." "I'm gonna have to talk to your French teacher." "(bird twittering)" "It's so peaceful out here on the lake." "I imagine the only place more peaceful would be the bottom of it." "You may be more right than you know." "Oh, I know exactly how right I am." "Or do you?" "This is nice." "It is." "Mind handing me the bug spray?" "It's behind you." "Of course." "Thanks." "Aren't you gonna use it?" "False alarm." "Oh, you've got a bite on your line." "Catch anything?" "No." "Turns out there was no pole, and I wasn't fishing." "My mistake." "Look behind you, it's Cloris Leachman on a Jet Ski!" "What-what the hell's going on?" "I'm trying to kill you." "Kill me?" "!" "I'm trying to kill you!" "(both grunt)" "Ho Hos?" "A La-Z-Boy?" "!" "I thought I was joining a classy family, Terry, but you're... nothing better than unsophisticated trash!" "That may be, but you're gonna take my secret to the grave!" "Not if I kill you first." "Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, we're tipping, we're tipping." "Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop." "Okay, you've got to counterbalance." "Just take your right foot and let me ease by you." "Okay, I'm gonna step and step, step..." "Okay, there you go." "Okay, enough circling." "It's die time!" "(grunts)" "I hope they got the grill started." "(line ringing) GREG:" "Hey, babe!" "Oh, Greg, it's awful!" "He fell overboard!" "Michael's dead!" "He's dead!" "Terry, just get a hold of yourself!" "It's okay!" "He was never gonna to fit in at Dartmouth." "He didn't fit in to the skinny jeans." "He didn't... fit in." "(voice breaks):" "I guess I wasn't meant to have this kind of life." "♪ ♪" "Roger!" "Roger, can you hear me?" "(blows air)" "(squeaks)" "Damn it, Roger!" "Oh, Stan, you saved me!" "Don't flatter yourself." "I came here to save Terry." "Oh, Stan, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you." "Please..." "let me come home." "I don't know." "I thought our family was beneath you." "Of course you are." "But don't you see?" "You guys are my La-Z-Boy." "Ugly but comfortable." "And I wouldn't have it any other way." "Well, neither would I." "Come on, Roger." "Let's head home." "Sounds good." "But first we gotta make a quick stop... for pizza poppers." "Make mine puh-puh-pepperoni!" "Make mine puh-puh-puh-Vicodin!" "It is with heavy hearts that we inform our viewers that our adopted Russian son, Michael, tragically drowned in a mountain lake." "We ask that in lieu of flowers, you send us Crate  Barrel gift cards." "(indistinct whispering)" "Restoration Hardware gift cards." "Weird." "So Terry thinks he killed you and it doesn't faze him at all?" "That's just the end of it?" "I wouldn't say that." "(screams)" "Well done." "Being wet and bloated was a nice touch." "Bloated?" "Come on!" "Don't be that way!" "Come back!" "(gasping) Wh-what are you doing?" "!" "Tying up loose ends."