"Evening, Les." "This is Deborah." "Be nice to her." "She's feeling miserable." "How about a sandwich?" "That always cheers me up." "No, thanks." "I don't eat red meat." " That's all right." "It's gone grey." "What are you drinking, Deborah?" " Dry white wine, please." "Nothing dry in this house." "Well, except the sandwich." "Gin and tonic?" "Ice and lemon?" " You've got ice and lemon?" "No, but it's polite to ask, innit?" "Les used to run a finishing school." "Now he can't even get started, can you, darling?" "Oh, God." "We thought you ought to come here once." "Now I have, can I go?" "No, not until you've told us what's wrong." "You've been depressed for days." "I'm OK." "Is it your job?" " No." "Money?" " No." "Is it the increasingly impersonal nature of modern society?" "No." "Is it the lack of training opportunities for young tennis players?" "If you must know... ..l've split up with Mike." " Oh, that's awful!" "That's terrible." "I found out he's sleeping around in Singapore." "Why would he do that?" " Why does anybody do it?" "I think you've done the right thing." " Yeah, so do I." "What a bastard." "If you want my advice, get your own back by sleeping with someone yourself." "Yeah." "Someone local." " Yeah." "Tall." "Possibly blondish." "Or dark-haired, slightly shorter with a winning smile." "I know what you're going through." "Dorothy and I are having an open relationship." "Is anyone else involved?" " Les has been giving me advice." "No." "I mean is one of you having an affair?" "Oh!" "Nah." "It'll be a long time before Dorothy can look at anybody else, if she ever can." "If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me." "Thanks." " I was talking to Deborah." "Thanks." " Don't worry." "I know a few places where we can find romance." "Of course I won't take advantage of her." "I'm just saying that three months without sex is a long time for a healthy young woman." "She'll need a lot of comforting while she gets her confidence back." "Oh, on the rebound, yeah." "You all right?" " Yeah, fine." "Why?" "You sound a bit breathy." " Do I?" "Ready to play a game now?" "Just give us a chance to get over the warm-up." "I'll start by buying Deborah some flowers." "It's a weird thing, isn't it?" "I mean, women say they want to be taken seriously" " I agree 100% - then you get them a Little bunch of daffs or something, and they react like you've invented penicillin especially for them." "I think I'll buy Deborah a nice present." "Nothing flashy." "Just enough flowers to pollinate Surrey." "Romantic meal with all the trappings." "That should shift a few hormones by the end of the evening." "Only trouble is...can you lend us a couple of hundred quid?" "I've just seen Dorothy." " Well, she's a member of this club." "Can you lend us 200 quid?" " She was with that Graham." "Well, you can't play squash on your own." "She could have played with Duncan." "Duncan always wants people to play him." "I'm not surprised." "He's taken out five eyes since joining." "He had his hand on her shoulder." "He was probably just resting it there." " Perhaps I should ask Dorothy." "Yeah, not now, Duncan." "I think we should talk." "Yes." "We should." "Can I join you?" " Well, urn..." "Oh, great." "My bed's still warm from your body and you're..." "Gary, a week ago, that's when I last saw you." "You were obnoxious, arrogant and self-obsessed." "So?" "You think it's easy being a man in the '90s?" "I don't know." "Shall we ask one?" "How is Graham?" "Fine." "No, Duncan." "Sorry." "Have you slept with him?" " Duncan?" "!" "No, Graham." "I might have done." "Oh." "He can't have been that good if you don't remember." "What about this open relationship?" "I was talking about me!" " Oh!" "You're not the only one who can fool around, you know." "Right." "Right." "Go on, then." "Go off with someone else if you want to prove something." "Right." "Perhaps I will." "Hope you're slicker than when you met me." "Ha-ha-ha-ha" "Hi." "I'm Gary." "I'm a Capricorn." "What are you?" "Married." "Hi." "Hi." "Er, your wife." "Hi." "I'm Gary." "Playing squash." "Great Legs." "Nice tan, brown." "Yeah." "And I..." "I always get so..." "lonely in the shower." "You've got Lovely hair." "So soft and..." "Thanks." "So, you wish to borrow some money, you snivelling bankrupt?" "Hello, fish." "Miaow!" "Sorry to keep you." "Just finding your details." "Looks like rain." "So, you want to borrow some money, do you?" "Yes, please." " What do you intend spending it on?" "Friday night." "Could you be more specific?" " Does it really matter?" "Yes." "I'll need details before I lend you the bank's money." "All right." "There's this woman upstairs who needs some money." "She should apply for the loan herself." "She doesn't know she needs it." "This all seems rather ill-conceived." "I only want a few hundred." "You must have some stashed away somewhere." "For a rainy day?" " No." "Well, what about if I took a loan to buy a car?" "Yes, that could possibly be done." " Great." "Let's do that." "You wouldn't be planning to sell the car shortly after buying it?" "Yeah." " I'm afraid that's not allowed." "All right." "I'm in love with this woman and I need to buy her a few things." "To quote the immortal words - "Money can't buy me Love." ""Can't buy be Love, oh..."" "# Money can't buy me love #" "Yes, well..." "I'm sorry." " Oh, well, never mind." "Well, goodbye and good Luck." "I think he's warmed up enough to go back in now." "Ah, waiter, there's a fly in my soup." "Come to think of it, there's something super in my fly, as well" "Don't make things difficult, Gary." "She'll be here in a minute." "Don't worry, mate." "I'm going out." " Where?" "I'll just sit in the pub and watch Les scratch his eczema." "Didn't think you'd fall apart just 'cause Dorothy's seeing another bloke." "I haven't fallen apart." "I'm in a state of flux." "I'm like a chrysalis about to burst on the world." "Well, could you pupate somewhere other than the draining board." "It's handy for the fridge." " Give Dorothy a ring." "I wonder what she's doing now." " Listen, there's no point torturing yourself with images of Dorothy bouncing up and down on some other man." "Thanks very much." "I wasn't." "Anyway, I need that chair for the guitarist." "What guitarist?" " A flamenco player." "Les booked him." "What's his name?" " Jeremy." " Very Spanish." "He's probably anglicised it." "It's probably juereme." "Oh." "What's his surname?" " Bostock." "Smashing." "Poor Deborah." "She's only just split up with Mike." "She'll run out screaming if you come on at her like..." "Paul Daniels on heat." "It's a surprise for her." "She's only expecting a cup of tea and a Wagon Wheel" "Lend us a fiver for beer." " No." "I'll have to stay in, then, and do my feet." "All right." "Here's 20 quid, right?" "Hi." " Dermot?" "Why?" "' Why what?" "You're not dressed normally." " This old thing?" "just giving it an airing." "Hi, Gary." "Aren't you staying?" " Yeah, all right." "I'm sorry." "Have a nice evening." "Welcome." " Oh, Dermot, this isn't going to work." "Drink?" "I find a gin and tonic slips down nicely in the evening." "Do you?" "Ice and a slice?" " Please." "Ice is a bit soft, I'm afraid." "Oh, this is stupid." "I've only just split up with Mike." "I'm showing you what it'd be like with me." " But it never stays like this." "How long would the flowers last?" "A week?" "A month?" "They'd last for ever." "They're plastic." "Take-away meal for Mr Dermot Povey." "You're early." "No, it's half past seven." " You should come with a flamenco guitarist." "No, prawn fritters, special sushi..." "Excuse me, since when was sushi Spanish?" "No, Japanese food." " I ordered it from the Hasta Manana." "No, it's under new management." "The Hasta Manana closed down." "Food poisoning." "Many dead." "What did you say this was again?" "Tofu stick, raw cuttlefish and horseradish." "Hmm." "That's the good thing about Japanese food." "You can't go wrong." "How did you know I liked it?" " Intuition." "Who normally cooks, you or Gary?" "Gary." "He's quite adventurous." "The other night, he did something with peanut butter." "Satay?" " No, I think it was Friday." "You know, I do appreciate what you're doing." "You could have just tried to grab me on the stairs." "Why didn't you tell me?" "!" "No, it wasn't a suggestion." "More sea urchin?" "Get ready to really relax." "My churn did up a place like this." "Shalll give him a ring?" "No, this place has been done." " You must be the lucky Little Lady." "What?" " Er, this is Jeremy, our authentic Spanish guitar player." "Could I have a glass?" "Right." "I need to clear a bit of room on the table." "Excuse me?" "Isn't that an organ?" "A lot of people say that." " That's because it's an organ." "But this is really fiendish." "By flicking this Little chappie," "I can change from basic organ... ..to piano..." "..to flamenco guitar!" "That's uncanny." " It's like an orchestra in a box." "Not really." "Well, don't mind me. just carry on." "Oh..." "Excuse me." "Would you mind?" "Thank you." "Right." "You'll really like this one." "Maybe we should let him back in." "I was thinking of putting him in the shed." "Sorry." "Clipped a toggle by mistake." "These are flugelhorns, by the way." "They're lovely." " I think I'll send him home." "Ah." "Bit of a problem." "Anybody got a screwdriver?" " No!" "Have you had enough to drink?" "Do you think I'd let you get this close if I was sober?" "Oh, don't spoil it, Dermot." "I'm not." "This is the natural position for my arm." "Is this your idea of seduction?" "Yeah." "Now, when I say go, you put your tongue in my ear." "And when you want me to stop?" " I don't think I mentioned stopping." "There's somebody at the door." "I'm looking for somebody called Debbie." "Debbie, Debbie..." "How would you be spelling that?" "Big do, is it?" " Yeah." "Already turned Sir Alistair Burnet away for not bringing a bottle." "Oh, it's you." " Oh, THAT Debbie." "She said she had some wise guys living downstairs." "Hello, Deb." " Dermot, this is Mike." "Let's go upstairs and talk." " We've already talked." "What are all these flowers for?" " Well..." "Dermot's been trying to get my mind off what you've been up to." "Do you want to make something of it?" "All right." "I've been a bad boy, but Let's talk about it." "Not now, Jeremy." "Right." "Time for a break, eh?" "Look, I don't trust you..." " Any wine Left?" "Get him out of here!" " Listen, pal, it's you she wants to Leave." "I'm only guessing." "Right, pull your pants up." "Daddy's home." " Oh, for God's sake!" "Who's this?" " Gary, this is Mike." "Mike?" "What?" "Your Mike?" "Naughty Mike?" "You've been working abroad, haven't you?" "Or should I say several broads?" "Mike, don't!" " You're all right, mate." "I know what you're going through." " Yeah, well..." "You're going through women like there's no tomorrow." "So, what happened after he nutted you?" "Somebody asked for a fill-up." "I think that was Jeremy." "Then I was sick on Deborah's shoes." "Then Deborah threw Mike out, then I was sick on her shoes again." "You poor old thing." "You sounded so pathetic on the phone." "I hope you weren't putting it on." " No, I am genuinely pathetic." "True." "Thanks for coming." "Does Graham mind?" "Actually, I'm...not seeing him any more." "Well, he was a dull Little git, wasn't he?" "We didn't have a lot in common." "You can't spend a candlelit evening with someone whose two topics of conversation are barge holidays and bowel disorders." "And his taste in music..." "Put a record on." " Yeah?" "What do you fancy?" "Barry White?" " Mmm!" "Hello, Dermot." "I heard about your romantic evening." " Yeah, it went all right, except for the food, the drink, the organist, the violence and the vomiting." "Gary?" "Where's your hi-fi?" " Eh?" "Ah." "I'm afraid I had to pawn it to pay for last night." "You what?" "!" " Sorry." "Never mind, though." "I made alternative arrangements for entertainment for the next few days." "These are flugelhorns, by the way."