"Later today, I'll be announcing my science fair partner for this year." "Let me say, it was a tough choice." "You're all so nerdy... especially you, Eric." "Yes!" "In your face!" "Paige... what are you doing?" "You don't need these geeks to help you get a good grade." "For once, why don't you do the science project by yourself?" "Yeah, and then after that, maybe I can take my own finals." "Paige, I'm serious." "You're a lot smarter than people say you are." " People say I'm smart?" " Sure." "And it's time you prove them right, so you go tell those nerds you're doing your science project by yourself." "Okay, I will." "But they're gonna be so angry." "I'm gonna have to let them smell my hair again." "What are you doing?" "You don't think Paige is smart." "Let's just say I just started my science project." " Whoa, dude, dude, dude, dude." " Whoa, whoa." "What's that thing over there that looks like a hot girl, only much, much hotter?" "That is Jessica Geiger." "She just transferred here." "From where?" "Deep inside my dreams?" "Save the creepy stuff for the girls." " Good call." " Yeah." " Exsqueeze me." " Whoa, whoa, are you kidding?" "You're gonna get shot down in five seconds." "Oh, yeah?" "Ten bucks says 20 seconds." "Hey, babe." "You must be the new exchange student." "I'm not an exchange student." "Then why are we exchanging numbers?" " You're adorable." " Damn it." "Three seconds." "Wait, what?" " I said you're adorable." " Yes, I am." "You likey?" "Yes, I do." "I think you just earned a stroll through the school with this little piece of arm candy." " Pearce..." "Pearce, look." " How did that happen?" "It looks like a mother walking her toddler." " There's Alayna." " Yeah, Alayna." "I wonder what she's doing for her science project." "Yeah." "Maybe I should partner up with her." " Why you?" " Why you?" "Wait, wait, wait a minute." "What are we doing?" "I mean, we all agreed to just be friends, so neither one of us should ask her." " You're right." " Yeah." " I'm sorry, bro." "I'll see you later." " All right." " Hey, Alayna." "You want to be my..." " science partner?" "!" "Actually, I've been thinking." "I'm not sure this being friends thing is gonna work out." "What do you mean?" "Well, you both like me, and I have feelings for both of you, and I really don't want to come between you guys." "Maybe we shouldn't hang out for a while." "What?" "Oh, you don't think we can be friends because you think we can't resist you?" "What do you think, we're just standing over there by our lockers going," ""There's Alayna." "Yeah, Alayna." "Ah."" "You're right." "I'm such a dork." "Of course, we can be friends." "In fact, why don't we all do our science project together?" "Oh, I don't know." "Your beauty may be too distracting, but we'll try." "Parker, what?" "Alayna's so pretty, I couldn't even hear you." " Shut up." "I'll see you after school." " All right." " There goes Alayna." " Yeah..." "Alayna." "Hey, Dad." "I'd like you to meet Jessica, my new lady love." "Is she standing behind this woman?" "No, it's me." "I'm his lady love." " Hey, I'm Parker." " Okay." "Come on, babe." "Let's go out on the porch and do some homework." "I'll sit on your lap, and we can practice our French." "I didn't notice." "Did he have a gun pointed at her back?" "Hey, guys." "What's going on?" "Hey." "Did I just hear Alayna come in?" "Oh, no, it was Patton and his new girlfriend, Helen Keller." "That's Alayna." "I'll get it." "Whatever." "It's not a race." "Thanks, Parker." " Hey, Alayna." " Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Chase." "Hey, my parents are sorry they haven't stopped by, but they've been really busy setting up a new free clinic." "Oh, don't worry." "It's okay." "Can you believe it?" "Alayna's parents are setting up another free clinic." "What's the last charitable thing we did?" "I gave a dollar to that homeless guy with the fortune-telling cats." "Apparently, I'm gonna be governor." "I'm serious." "We need to do something for others." "Carol, we have quintuplets." "Others should be doing things for us." "Bob, it's time to give back." "Okay, uh, I say, uh, the angry one and the big eater." "You know, there's an old age home that I drive past every day." "Oh, I know it's really depressing." "But there is a way that you can go that totally avoids it." "I'm gonna sign up to volunteer there." "I'd like you to do it, too." "I mean, don't you feel the slightest bit guilty about not helping others?" "No!" "I support five kids." "I feed 'em, I clothe them." "When they're sick, I take care of them." "A-and what do I ask in return?" "You know, actually, a plaque would be nice." "All right." "All I'm saying is, when the time comes, at my funeral, they're gonna say, "She was a generous person who helped others."" "What are they gonna say at yours?" "His second wife seemed kind of young." "When we connect these electrodes to a person, the current from their nervous system should create electricity." "We could call it "the human battery."" "Pearce, this is such a cool idea." "I love the way your brain works." " Yeah, me, too." " Uh, well, let's test this thing out." "Parker, have you been working out?" "Uh, I pump a little bit of iron, but most of it's all natural." "Since you've been away, the boy has become a man." " Mommy!" " Oh, my God." "Let me get you some ice." "Dude, your nipples were glowing." "You shocked me on purpose." "You are so dead." "Okay, this is ridiculous, man." "We're gonna kill each other." "We've got to settle this another way." "Are you suggesting... a dance-off?" "No..." "look, look." "She keeps saying that she likes both of us exactly the same." "But that's impossible." "So I say we find out which one of us she likes more, and the other one agrees to step aside." "I'd totally do that, but there's no way she's just gonna come right out and tell us which one she likes more." "Wait, wait, I have an idea." "I'll start dating her for a few months, and once she grows to really trust me, I'll ask her." "Okay, let's try to be a little mature about this thing, okay?" "Let's just close our eyes and think for a little while." " Well, I-I don't..." " Shh." "Hello?" "Rose?" "I'm Carol, the volunteer, here to bring good cheer." "To this prison?" "You want to bring me cheer?" "Tie some sheets together and help me to escape." "Oh, come on, Rose." "It's not so bad here." "Anyway, I've got something in here I think you're gonna love." " Vicodin?" " No, the next best thing... yarn!" " You like to knit?" " No, but I do like music." "Do you know any nice little songs?" "Sure, I do remember a song my great-aunt used to sing to me." "The sun is setting 'cause you are getting Closer" "To dreamland." "Your voice is so soothing." "Sing me to sleep, dear." "The moon is glowing, 'cause you are going Closer..." "Closer." "Penny, I can't find anything to do for my science project, and I've been through, like, eight Vogues already." "What's your project?" "I'm taking one of the worst students in our class, and by using positive reinforcement, secretly manipulating her into doing an incredibly complex task." "To change the subject, why don't you build a scale model of a hemoglobin molecule." "Oh, I'd never be able to do such an incredibly complex task." "Sure you could." "Try putting this ball on this stick." " Like this?" " Good job." " Here, you want a gummy fish?" " Ooh, thanks." "Whoa." "What's this?" "I've figured out a way where we can find out which one of us Alayna likes more." "I've converted our human battery into a lie detector." " Wow." "How'd you do that?" " It was on the Internet." "All I had to do was cross a couple of wires, add a few transistors, and rip the guts out of your iPod." "Wha..." "You broke my iPod?" "No, no, i-it still works... as a lie detector." "It's more of a "lie-pod" now." "Oh, Pearce, this thing better work, or I will kill you." "Let's try it on." "Come on, I'll hook you up." "No!" "Forget it." "I'm not getting shocked by you again." "Hook yourself up." "Okay." "Now, if I tell a lie, this device will detect the increase in my blood pressure and heart rate, thus causing the toast to pop up." "All right, I'm all set up." " Let's turn it on." " All right." "Ow!" "Mommy!" "God!" "You did it again." "Okay, I swear that time, it really was an accident." "Ooh, it works." "Oh, hey, Bob." "Is there a halo over me?" "'Cause Rose says I'm an angel." "Honey, how attached are you to these pictures of the kids?" "Why?" "What are you doing?" "Oh, just looking for a place to hang the plaque I was given today." "Who gave you a plaque?" "The guys I paid at the plaque store." ""Bob Chase Lifetime Achievement for Extraordinary Service to the Chase Family:" "Father, Provider, Healer...?"" "Yeah, you know, Carol, I..." "I know I paid for it and all, but still, when they gave it to me, I almost cried." "Hello." "This is Carol." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that." "Well, thank you for calling." "The old woman I was visiting passed away." " Oh, that's too bad." " I know; it is." "But they said after my visit it was the happiest they'd seen her in years." "And you know what she said right before she died?" " I can't breathe?" " No, Bob." "She said, "Tell Carol thank you for the song."" "I'm sorry she's gone, but it makes me feel better to know that I helped make her final moments more peaceful." "Oh, that's beautiful." "I just wish she would have got to see this plaque." "Patton, I don't know what it is, but there is something about you I find so attractive." "Wow." "Sure got a lot of small things in here." "I just love tiny things." "Don't read that!" "It's my diary." "Micro, you are so adorable!" "Get over here!" "All right, but please don't call me "micro."" "No, silly!" "Micro's my dog." "Wow, what a shocker." "It's tiny." "Hey Dad, can I talk to you for a second?" "Sure." "It's my girlfriend." "Something about her really weirds me out." "Well, imagine how she feels." "Dad, her bedroom is just filled with a bunch of tiny things:" "tiny dolls, tiny books, tiny pictures." "I think the only reason she likes me is because I'm small." "Oh, my God." "She's a tiny chaser." "There's a name for it?" "Sometimes women go for a very specific type." "Like some are into heavy guys." "They're called "chubby chasers."" " Is that what Mom is?" " No, she's not, tiny man." "Listen Dad, you know me." "I don't turn down anyone, but this is freaky even by my standards." "Look, some girls like Parker because he's tall." "How is that any different than Jessica liking you because you're short?" "The important thing is she likes you." "She does." "Thanks, Dad." "Wait." "What do you call a guy who chases hot girls with big racks?" "I call him "son."" "Oh, Bob, you are really missing out." "I just had the most beautiful visit with Esther, my new old person." "We laughed, we talked, I sang to her." "I really feel like I made a difference in her life." " Is that Esther Newbury?" " Uh-huh." "Yeah, she's dead." "What?" "!" "Yeah, they called about 20 minutes ago." "They said she died peacefully, with a smile on her face, humming some song." "God." "I killed her." "I sing my great aunt's lullaby to these poor women, and then they die." "Well, do you think it'll work on weeds?" "'Cause the backyard is a mess." "This isn't funny." "I'm the angel of death." "Honey, you are not the angel of death." "I mean, if you were the angel of death, would they ask you to come back?" " They want me to come back?" " Yes, they do." "And you know what?" "I think all this plaque stuff..." "I think it was just 'cause I was feeling defensive about not helping people, but I'm over that." "No more." "Well, thank you, Bob." "Yeah, 'cause I may be doing nothing, but at least I'm not killing people." "This human battery's gotten a lot more complicated." "Okay, to generate enough electricity, we're going to have to get your heart rate going, so we're going to be asking you some questions that are designed to rile you up." "They might seem inappropriately personal, like about certain preferences you'd rather not discuss." "But the crucial thing is that you answer." " For the sake of the project." " Exactly." "So, first question: do you sleep in the nude?" "No." "All right, all right, next question." "Uh, let's just pick one here at random." "Okay." "Who do you like better, me or Pearce?" "What?" "!" "Which one of us do you like better?" "I can't believe this." "You guys said you could handle being friends." "Hey, this has nothing to do with that." "We're just trying to make scientific history... and toast." "So, who do you like better?" "This is exactly what I was afraid of." "The fact that you keep asking me that question tells me I'm coming between you guys." "So I swear, if you ask me one more time," "I'm never going to talk to either one of you again." "You know what ?" "Did we ask you which one of us you like better?" "Because that question wasn't meant for you." "It was meant for our mom." "I've always thought she liked Parker better than me." " She totally does." " Okay, let's go ask her." "Hey, everybody look at my new science project." "Good girl." "Your brothers are such jerks." "They just asked me if I like one of them more than the other." " Well, do you?" " Of course not." " I like them both the same." " Ooh, toast." "I'm Carol, and I have so many fun activities for us to do." "I don't like activities, but I hear you have a lovely singing voice." "No, I don't sing." "No singing." " But I do play Rummy Cube!" " Oh, please, dear." "I love music so much." "Won't you sing to me just a little bit?" "I've been workin' on the railroad All the livelong day..." "No, no, dear, not that song." "The one that kills people." "Um, I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, please, dear." "I'm 101." "I'm ready to check out." "I can't." "I've already killed two people." "What's one more, dear?" "I'll start you off." " The sun is setting..." " I'm sorry." "I won't." " Sing, sing, angel of death!" " No!" "Let go of my arm." "You've got a grip like an eagle." "I thought my parents would never leave." "Me, too." "But now it's just you and me and a big empty bedski." "What's this?" "I don't know, but it's tiny, so I'll put it on my shelf." "What's that empty display case for?" "I'm saving this for a very special miniature I've been trying to get my hands on." "I'm this close." "Now, where were we?" "Isn't he adorable, Micro?" "Yes, I am." "You likey?" "Oh." "At last, my collection will be complete." " No!" " Patton, what's wrong?" "You know what's wrong!" "I'm out of here, you tiny chaser." "Ugh, get away from me, you monster!" " Look at what Paige has." " Look at what Paige has." "It's a polychromatic, three-dimensional representation of a hemoglobin molecule." "That's right, and I made it myself, without help from anybody." "I'm just like my idol, Scientist Barbie." "I have her." "I mean, it's my sister's." "I hate to burst your bubble, but Paige didn't exactly build that all by herself." "As head science weasel, you'll enjoy this." "For my science project, I used behavior modification to manipulate Paige into building that molecule." "That's not hard science." "That's social science." " What?" " That's a psychology project." "And if you hand that in, you'll be get and I don't mean the elemental symbol for Fluorine." "Oh, my God." "I'm screwed." "So, Eric, what project did you do?" "I made a helium neon laser with really cool stickers on it." " Would you put my name on it, too?" " Why should I?" " I'll let you take home my bra." "I'll put your name first."