"Transcript by textexam." "Resync by Lauta." "Unbelievable." "This is the slowest toaster." "Man, oh, man." "I can't take it." "Cheap-ass toaster, that's what happened." " Hey, do you want to get this job today?" " You're damn right I do." " Can I give you a little tip, huh?" " Let's do it." "You're gonna go in." "He'll be up here, okay?" "You're down here, right?" "He's on top." " He's asking you the questions. - uh-huh." "Then all of a sudden the interview starts." "He asks some questions, you answer some questions." "Then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it." "Now he's trying to impress you." " Turn that shit around on him." " Turn it around on him." " Topsy-turvy that motherfucker. - yeah yeah yeah." "Why you got no credit cards?" "You got no credit cards at all?" " Why don't you have a credit card, sir?" " You have no credit cards?" "Why do you order these cds out of those magazines and be sending 'em next door to the neighbor and then when the ups guy comes, you pick 'em up like you live there and shit?" "You keep ordering cds that you don't pay for?" "I'm just saying-- example how to turn that shit around." "You know what I mean?" "Specific shit, though." "I don't know." "It might not be such a good idea, this whole flip-it thing." " I like it, man." "I like it." " Hello." " Hi, is this Mr. David I'm speaking with?" "You know what?" "I'm sorry." "I'm really not interested." " I understand you're in the market for a mortgage." " Telemarketer." " So to preserve your financial-- - right, huh?" "He's talking right now." "Sir, I said I'm really not interested." "He don't give a fuck." "You don't give a fuck about this" "He's still talking." "All right, please don't call here again." " Is there someone else" " Sir, I'm sorry." " What the fuck?" " They're crazy." " Got the same phone." " You do?" " Same damn phone." " Yeah, this is a good product." " L.d., you taking the kids to school?" " I'm taking the kids to school." "Thank you." "Baby, get your backpacks over there." " There you go." " Larry!" "All right, one sec!" "This is really unbelievable." "Larry!" " Hey." " What are you doing?" "I feel like you forgot about me." "No no, of course not." "I didn't forget about you." "I don't have anything to drink." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm dealing with that farkakte toaster down there, you know?" "Do you realize how sick I am?" " Do you have a fever?" " Yeah." " How do you do it?" "This way?" " no, I'm" "Please, if you would just help me out a little." "Always had a problem telling fever." " Yeah yeah." " Then you feel your head." "See, I feel I'm hotter than you." "Now I feel I have a fever." "Maybe I'm getting sick." "Touch my head." "Am I sick?" "You don't have a fever." " Hey, guess what." " Mmm." "Leon has a job interview today." " Yeah, that's good." " Yeah." "And Loretta has one tomorrow." "This is unbelievable." "If one of 'em gets a job..." " They're out." " Look, I don't think I'm gonna be able to go" " to keysha's play tomorrow." " You're kidding." "You-- you should probably take somebody else or something." "Really?" "I wanna take you, honey." "I don't wanna take anybody else." "No, I can't go out there with other people..." " I wanna take you." " ...and sit in a crowd." "Wanna take you." "Please tell me you're not coming on to me." "No good?" "If you could just get me some water and some juice, that would be great." " All right, anyway." " I'm really tired." "All right, I'm gonna get you some water, okay?" "This is very nice, by the way, this thing." "Okay, thank you, Larry." "Hey!" " Ah!" "Hello, fellow parents." " Hi, Larry." " Huh?" " How's it going, Larry?" " Good, how are you, hal?" " Good." " Hi, jean." "Susie." " Last." "Yeah." "Hey, guys, I'm sorry." "I gotta get going." "I'll see you later, okay?" "I love you." " Bye." "Bye." "Bye." " Oh, that's so cute." "He's so sweet." " Bye." "That's the sign for "bye," right?" " He's a sweet guy." " Huh?" "See, I got that down." " Yeah." " Yeah, you're a genius." " Huh?" "Bye." "How about so-so?" "So-so, is that it?" " See, how about that?" " Yeah, that's great." "Great." "How about, "phew, it stinks"?" "I know a lot more, too." "Let me ask you a question." "You happy with your toaster?" "You happy with your toaster?" "Why, what's wrong?" " It takes forever." "It's so slow." " Oh, it's slow." "Oh, there's a sale." "Sur la table." "Sur la table's having a sale on toasters." " How do you know how to say "sur la table"?" " She spelled it, Larry." " She spelled it." " You're pretty good." "Yeah, there's a lot of things about me you don't know." " Hello, sweetheart." " I'm going to that sale." "You too?" " Yeah." "Hi, sammie." " Hi." "Ah!" "Spider!" "Spider!" " Oh my God!" " Spider!" " Come on!" " Larry, what is the matter with you?" " Killing a live creature!" " What?" "What is wrong with you?" "You're traumatizing these kids!" " What are you talking about?" "It's a spider." " It's a living creature, Larry." "Oh, living creature!" "Do you want that living creature crawling up your leg?" "These kids don't need to see that kind of violence." "It's a little spider." "Big deal." " Are you okay, sweetie?" " Oh my god." "Is that your dog?" "I thought it was, like, half rat or something." "Said it's a rat." "You know, like it looks-- No, it's-- it's a joke." "I was joking!" "Joking!" " You insulted her now, okay?" "She can't hear you screaming. - what did you" "You heard what I said." "I said you said it was half-rat." "How do you wind up with a dog like that?" "Mmm!" " Oh, hey, hal." " Hey, how you doing, Larry?" "Good, do you know what?" "I" " I'm glad I saw you again, because after you left," "I made a little comment that maybe didn't go over so well with your wife." "I said her dog looked, you know, half-rat." " Really?" " Yeah." " I was joking in my tone. - mm-hmm." "I had a joking tone, but I guess because, you know, she doesn't hear, she's not able to detect tone." " No." " You know, the dog." "It is kind of a ratty-looking dog." "You've gotta admit that." " She loves that dog." " How about you?" " Do you pet that dog?" " Yeah, I pet" " You pet that dog?" "You pet that dog?" " I pet that dog." "I pet that dog, yes." "Anyway, just do me a favor and tell her I was joking." " I'm sorry." " Well, I think you should apologize." "Well, I would, except I can't really call her." "The deaf thing again." "I know she's deaf." "Yeah." "Yeah, of course." "Why don't you come over and just apologize face to face, so she can actually see it coming out of your mouth?" "You want me to come by, make a special trip?" "I wouldn't think she would want that." "I would think that they wanna be treated like everybody else." " What do you mean "they"?" " Well, deaf people, 'cause they're the only ones who need a special pop-in apology." "Every other kind of handicapped person you can apologize to on the phone." "Deaf people require that you go to their house." "Right." "I wouldn't think they would want that." "That's all." "I still would appreciate it if you would come by and apologize to her." "She really loves that dog." "That dog sits in your lap while you're watching tv?" "Yeah." "Okay, I'm more than happy to come by." "Thanks." "What did you call me?" "Fuck you!" "What?" "What?" "Cheryl was in bed." "She had a little temperature, but something about it that kind of turned me on." "She's sick." " I understand." " She's helpless." "You know what I mean?" "I like it the reverse, when I'm sick." "Yeah, I like it either way." " I guess I just like sick sex." " Yeah!" " It's all good." "It's good, all right?" " Okay." "Okay, all right." "So let me ask you this question." " You know my father's been kind of depressed lately." " Yeah." "Yeah." "So I'm thinking maybe actually getting him one of those, you know, the massages, the happy-ending kind." " Happy ending." "I am the guy." " Massage." " Really, yeah?" " You want some names?" " Anybody." " Well, I got some great ones, and they give great massages." "So he thinks he's getting a massage." "He's gonna freak out, man." "I know the perfect girl." "Her name's lisa." " Lisa." " Lisa, she will treat him like a king." "She's the best girl you could possibly get for this." " Best girl for what?" " What's the girl who cleans on tuesday?" " What's her name again?" " Oh, rosalina." " Rosalina." " She's terrific." " You've got her number." "You'll give it to him." " Yeah, all right." " Oh, you know what." " What?" "I need to ask you a question about sign language." "I was in the men's room earlier with hal..." " Okay." " ...and I was drying my hands, and I must have signed something inadvertently, because all of a sudden, he got pissed off, said, "fuck you,"" " and stormed out. - well, what did you do?" "Re-enact." "I was drying my hands, you know, and then I remember scratching my finger" " like this." " Oh, wait a minute." "Larry, this means "cocksucker."" "You called him a cocksucker." "Think about it." "You called him a cocksucker?" " You called him a cocksucker." " Are you kidding?" "He thought you said cocksucker." "Yes, that's what this is." "You called hal, one of the sweetest guys in the world, a cocksucker." "He said, "fuck you," and walked out?" "Good for him." " Ha!" " Unbelievable." "Meanwhile, I got nobody to take to see "grease" tomorrow." " Oh, Cheryl's sick." " She's sick, yeah." " She's not even going." " So you got nobody to go with." "Who watches "grease" by themselves?" "You gotta go with somebody." " I have nobody to take." " I'll go." "I'll go to "grease" with you." "That's mike." "He's my exterminator." "How you doing?" "I heard you say you got an extra ticket." "I'd love to go." "Well, you know, it's a middle-school production" "Kids doing "grease." you don't wanna go see that." "I'd love it." "I'd love to go." "Well, you know, my wife could get better by tomorrow." " I really" " Okay." " What?" " Yeah, no, I understand." "I get it." "What?" "You get what?" "What are you talking about?" "I shouldn't have done that." "I'm sorry." "Mr. Greene, I'm sorry about that." "I'll finish up." "No, that's crazy." "No, don't be silly." "I just overheard that you had an extra ticket, and I love "grease," and I'd love to go, but-- yeah." "All right, okay." " That's great." " Okay, yeah, you can go." "We're gonna have a blast." "That's gonna be fun." "That's gonna be great." "Should I pick you up?" "Sure, pick me up." "Hey, we're gonna have fun." "We'll get fucked up." " You know?" " Yeah." "It went good yesterday." " Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." " Really?" " When are you gonna hear?" " I'll know today." " Today?" "You're kidding." " Yes, today." "Oh, yeah." " You flipped him." " I flipped his ass good, man." " Huh?" " Took the whole conversation over." "So you were interviewing him as to whether or not he was good enough for you." "Yeah, I think I got it." "I'm flipping ass right now." "I'm out of control right now." " Don't flip me, man." " How do you know if I haven't already flipped your ass?" " I'm unflippable." " How do you know?" " Only women can flip me." " I'll flip you, Larry." "Words to the wise, Larry:" "this toaster ain't worth a damn." "Flipping toaster." " All right, y'all, what do you think?" " Ooh, look at you." " Do I look professional?" " It's on now pro-fes-sion-nal." " L.d.?" " You're looking pretty good, I gotta say." " You still gonna give me that ride, though, right?" " Yeah, I'm gonna take you." " Hey, I'm sensing two jobs." "Two jobs." " All right." " I'm feeling that." " And then maybe, you know, you'll think about getting your own-- your own place." "So you really like my suit?" " Man, that is banging, girl." "Perfect!" "'cause you don't wanna be too assuming." "You know, even if one of you actually got a job, you could probably all just move into an apartment, huh?" "Yeah, something to..." " Hey!" " Hey!" " Thank you." "Thank you so much." " Hey." "Hey hey hey hey!" "What are you doing?" "I thought you were coming later." "Later?" "I couldn't wait to see you." "I couldn't wait to get here." "My goodness, I am so happy to see you." "Do I look good?" " Pretty good." " Yes, pretty good." "Do I look healthier?" "Do I look relaxed?" "I gotta say, you gotta-- You gotta-- look relaxed." "You got a nice bounce to your step." "Yes, I do have a bounce to my step, because something wonderful happened to me, not just a massage." " Really?" " I had a nice massage." "Oh, boy, what a massage, and this girl likes me." "This girl maybe even loves me, and I am in love with her." "Dad, I'm thrilled" " you had a good time." " Yeah." " You enjoyed the massage." " Yes, I did." "They like all their clients." "This is their job, to like their clients." "She outdid herself on this job." "You know what I want to do?" "I want to get her something lovely," " something wonderful." " No no no, what, are you, crazy?" " Yes yes, I'm crazy." " Don't buy her any presents, okay?" " Why not?" " She got paid for the massage, you don't need to buy her any big present or anything." "Come on, Larry." "This is personal." "She did things that say love." "Larry!" "I gotta-- I'll be right down." " Do you hear me?" " This is love." "Yeah, dad, you know, they-- they like everybody." "But this one liked me particularly." "Larry!" " Hey." " Hey." "Could you get me some wheat toast?" "Wheat toast?" "You know what?" "Honest to god, I gotta take Loretta to this job interview and that toaster takes a year." "This is what I'm talking about." " You don't care about me." " No, of course I care about you." "I feel like eating for the first time in I don't know how long." "All right." "Okay, all right, I'll get you the wheat toast." "Okay." "Hey, Leon." "Sorry, man." "I need the toaster." "L.d., are we leaving soon?" "Huh?" "Yeah, I just gotta make Cheryl some wheat toast." "I got a lot of time invested in this toaster, Larry." "Now I'm gonna have to start over again." " You don't have to start all over." " I gotta start all over again." " You pick up where you left off." " I can't pause toast." " You can pause toast." " If this toast goes back in that machine," " it's gonna lose its essence, Larry." " Leon!" "Leon!" "Will you get a man his toast?" "Okay, here you go." " All right, honey." " Wait a second." "I wanted toast." " That's toast." " It's not toasted." " That's toast." " I didn't want bread." "I wanted toast." "This has been in the toaster." "Can you toast it again?" "'cause it's not" "You can't pause toast." "Yo, l.d.!" " She's gonna be late for her interview." " All right, go." " Just go. - she's probably all-- all" "I'm sorry, honey." "I did the best" " I'm sorry." "Larry!" " L.d., please!" " Oh my god, I am so sorry." " Hurry!" "I need to go!" " you know, she's sick up there" " I'm gonna be late." "I have got to get going." " Okay, all right." "Let me just get my-- Dad, come on." " She's late." " Okay, come on." " I'm gonna use you as my good-luck piece. - okay, come on." " Oh, shit, my phone." " What now?" "All right, great, let's go!" "I'm sorry, really." "L.d. Do you think we can go a little faster?" "Loretta, I swear, I'm going as fast as I can." "What can I do?" " Okay, we'll just have to step on it." " I mean there's traffic here." " I know it is." " Look at this schmohawk over here." "Schmohawk." " What?" "!" " I taught him that when he was a kid." "I used to call-- every bad driver was a schmohawk." "Do you like that one?" "Okay, thanks." "I'll be right back." "Hi." "I know I'm late, but I'm Loretta black." " I have an interview with Mr. Badnick." " He waited for half an hour." "He had to leave." "I'm sorry." "Can we reschedule?" "He's already filled the position." "15 whole minutes we were waiting on that damn toaster." " 15 minutes!" " It's a slow toaster." "Yes!" "Because of that damned toaster, I missed my job interview." "I'm sor" " I'm gonna buy a new toaster right now." " Yeah, that's exactly what you need to do." " Right now!" " I'm buying a new toaster!" " And I'm gonna get a toaster for lisa." "Will you stop it, please?" "I am gonna get my love lady," "I am gonna get her a toaster." " I don't know, l.d." " Look, you can put a bagel in there." "You don't have to press down on it." " Ah." "So that's the bagel side..." " Yes," " they've taken the bagel into consideration." " ...and the toaster." "That's a good one, but do you think it's gonna take all day?" "Well, you know, that's the question." "Uh-huh." "What, you like that?" " He's cute." " Yeah?" " A little too beige for me, though." " Too beige?" " Yeah, I like them chocolate." " You like them chocolate." " I like them chocolate." " I could care less about shade." " Really?" " Yeah." " What do you like?" " I'd go anywhere from like albino to the heart of darkness africa black." " No way." " Yeah." "Oh, that's-- that's jean." "I'll be right back." "Hi." "Ahem." "Toaster?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you told me." "Sorry about what-- I was joking about the dog." "Ha ha ha." "Joking, joking." "No, not a rat." "No rat." "No no." "I like the dog." "You want me to kiss him?" "!" "Yeah, to make up-- sure." "Okay okay." "Yeah yeah." "Thank you." "Oh, and your husband-- I was in the bathroom..." "You know, and he was washing and I went like this 'cause I had a scratch and" "That's bad. "cocksucker," come on." "Misunderstanding." "Yeah, misunderstanding." "Okay." "Sorry." "You'll be at the play?" ""grease"?" " ...that she-- Kind of joy. - hmm." "It's not that." "Of course, it's some sexual" "But she's got a kind of way of looking at me" " that makes me feel warm." " She does it for you, huh?" " Oh my god." " And listen, I saw a cappuccino machine." "I love this thing and I know you are too." "You're not getting her a cappuccino machine, okay?" "Listen, dad." "I set this massage up, okay?" "This woman gives like" "You know, happy-ending massages." "She gives them to everybody." "I don't know what you're talking about with this happy ending." " I'm talking about this. - all I know is, this girl, for goodness sake" " You know." "Yeah." " Oh." "Oh..." "No, that wasn't to you!" "It's a misunderstanding!" "Misunderstanding!" "Oh, hey, hal." "It's Larry david calling." "Um, there was a little incident at the department store earlier today with your wife." "And she may have misinterpreted something I did, a gesture, you know, uh..." "Anyway, I just wanna talk to you about it and tell you what's going on." "Um, call me-- actually, call me on my cell phone." "I'm gonna be out." "Um, okay." "Thanks, hal." "Whoo, keysha is sick as a dog." " What?" "!" " She's sick." "She really feels bad." " You're kidding." " Nuh-uh, I think" " She's not gonna be in the play?" " No." " I think she might've caught that bug that Cheryl's got." " Oh, man." "So I'ma take her some juice and see if she can hold it down." "All right." " Hello?" " Hi, it's bill from woodcrest financial services calling." "I'm calling about the offer." "Uh, okay." "Bill, listen, do me a favor" "Please stop calling, okay?" "I'm not interested." "I've got an offer you are gonna love, though." "This is a serious offer." "You're a bit of a numbskull, aren't you?" "Nothing seems to register." "When you order a soda at a counter and you get the soda, do you keep saying, "I'd like a soda, I'd like a soda," "I'd like a soda, I'd like a soda"?" "Wait wait wait." "You have any idea what we're talking about here?" "We're prepared to make you an offer." "I just called Leon black to offer him that job." " He just about told me to fuck myself." " Hmm." " Yo yo!" " Hey, it's hal," " just returning your call." " What up, al?" "What's going on, boy?" "Yeah, what's going down?" "Oh, nothing, uh, you, uh" " Are you calling to apologize?" " What?" "The fuck you talking about, man?" "Look here, man." "Your lady came on to me." "I hit that ass and I moved on, dawg." "You wasn't in town, dawg." "This shit is over, man." "Oh, okay." "Oh, I get it now." "You're doing the black-guy character because I'm a black guy, right?" "Black man doin' his thing, baby." "Barack obama, motherfucker." "Barack obama, "I'm the president, I'm hitting that ass."" "Look, that's not cool, man, all right?" "Actually, it's kind of offensive." "Don't do it, okay?" "Black man's doin' his motherfucking thing in the world, baby." " You feel me?" " Actually, I said, "don't talk to me like that,"" "okay?" "It's offensive." "I thought you were calling back to apologize about what you said to my wife!" "You have your wife back, man." "I don't want the bitch no more." "I just said I hit it and I quit it, man." "Can't believe you, man." "I cannot fucking believe you!" " I done moved on, dawg." " Fuck you, Larry!" " Hey, Larry!" " Hey." " Hey, you took my phone, man." " What?" "!" " You got my phone." " I have your phone?" "Yeah, our phones got all mixed up, man." "You got my phone" " and I got your phone." " How do you know?" "I'm trying to call my boos, man." "Gonna use speed dial," "I'm getting all these old-ass people." " Hey, sorry." " Anybody phone me?" "No, uh-uh." "Anybody call me from woodcrest financial?" " No." " Hmm." "Okay." " Anybody call me?" " No." "Guy named hal call?" " Nope." " Okay." " Give me my phone." " Give me my phone." "Mmm!" "Humph." " I'll get that." " Hi." " Hey." " I'm here for Larry." " Come on in, man." "Come all up in here." " Hey, Larry!" "What's your name, man?" " Mike." "Hey, Larry, mike's down here for you." " I'll be right down." " All right." " So how you meet, Larry?" " Uh..." "We met" " I run an extermination company and I was working at Mr. Greene's house and Larry was there." "That's-- that's where I met him." " You be killing them bugs, huh?" " yeah, bugs, rodents" "All those-- All that." "So, um, what you and Larry getting into tonight?" "We're gonna see a production of "grease"" " and then maybe get a bite to eat or something. - mm-hmm." " L.d., my man." " Hey." " Hey." " How's it going?" " Great." "How-- how you doing?" "Good." " You look nice." " Oh, thanks." "So you-- You found it okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah yeah." "I've been here before." "One of your neighbors had an infestation." " Good." " I already kind of know the area a little." "Yeah, it was easy, heh." " Well, we should probably get going." " Okay." " Sounds good." "Nice meeting you." " All right, man." "Um, I" " I'll be a little late." "Have a good time." "Uh, excuse me." "Oh, oh" "This is my masseuse, lisa;" "my son Larry." " Hello, hi." " Nice to meet you, Mr. David." "This is mike the exterminator." "That's my dad." " Hi, mike." " It's an honor, sir." "That's lisa the masseuse." " Hello." " Hello." " So nice to meet you two." " Likewise." "How are you doing?" "Sammie's big night." "All excited." " Yeah." " You look good out of your uniform." " Thank you very much." "Thank you." " Huh?" " Pretty sharp, huh?" " Mm-hmm." "Appreciate it." "Hey, jean." "Yeah." " You called and insulted her husband, hal?" " At?" "Are you kidding?" "What?" "I didn't talk to hal." "No talk to hal." " Yes, you did, Larry." "You called hal" " What?" " You said racist remarks?" " What?" " You're lying." "You're a fucking liar!" " Who's saying that?" " Are you saying that or she's saying that?" " I'm saying that." " Oh, you're saying that!" "No talk, no talk." " Don't play innocent." "Look her in the eye." "She knows." " You're a rotten apple." " I'm not a rotten apple." " Tell her I'm a good apple." " I'm not telling her shit for you." "I'm a good-- Good apple." "Good apple." "Fuck you." "She talks?" "What?" "Good, you heard me!" "You too!" "What the hell did you do, sicko?" "What does he get her all upset like that for?" "Ladies and gentlemen, "grease" is about to begin." "Please turn off all cell phones." "Thank you." " It's a rat!" " What?" "!" "I got it, I got it, I got it." "I got it." "I got it." "I got it." "Look out, look out." "It's not a rat!" "It's a dog!" "It's a dog!" "Oh my god, it's a dog!" "It's a dog!" "Oh, god..." "It's a rat." "It's a rat." " What did you do to him?" " It's a rat." "Well, yeah." " This is it." " Yeah." "Uh, that was" " That was pretty fun." " Yeah." "Yeah, was-- feels, feels good." "It was fun." "It was a little weird with that dog." " You know, that's your training." " Yeah, you know?" "You-you reacted." "That was-- It was-- it was instinctual." " Yeah, I'd do it again, you know?" " Absolutely." " Ahem. - yeah, it's just-- it's unfortunate." " It was a dog." " Yeah." "Yeah, that's the bad part." "Uh, it's sad that we didn't get to see the show." "Yeah, I would've liked to have seen it." "I was looking forward to it." "Me too, a lot." "If they happen to redo it," "I'll go if you want." " All right, we'll see." " Okay." "What are you gonna do?" " I'm just gonna go in." " Okay." "All right." "Yeah, okay." " Bye." " All right, take it easy." " See ya." " Bye." "Hi, honey." " Hello." " How are you doing?" " I don't feel well." " No?" " No." " I made you some toast." " Oh, really?" " You want" " How's the new toaster?" "It's great." " Oh, goodness." " I feel so awful." " Oh, no." " Oh, man, I've got a headache." "Oh." " Do I have a fever?" " I think you do." "Really?" " Yeah." "I don't feel well, honey." " I know, I'm sorry." " Really?" " I'm gonna take very good care of you." " You are?" " Yeah, of course." " Thank you." "Thank you, honey." "What are you doing?" "No good?"