"America, are you ready to get" "The laughs on?" "[cheers and applause]" "I definitely think I have" "What it takes." "I'm in it to win it." "This time I'm going to go all" "The way." "I'm going to win "last comic" "Standing."" "seriously?" "You killed." "I think you're so funny." "That was a killer set." "It's the most important" "Performance of their lives." "Ladies and gentlemen, please" "Rise and clap like crazy for" "Your top six comments." "Tommy Johnagin, Jonathan" "Thymius, Myq Kaplan, Felipe" "Esparza, Mike Destefano, and Roy" "Wood, Jr." "And now, please welcome the" "Sexiest young man on television," "Craig Robinson." "[cheers and applause]" "hello." "Thank you very much." "I'm Dr. Craig Robinson, and I" "Love you." "After millions of auditions," "Billions of performances and" "Several weeks of plastic" "Surgery, it all comes down to" "Tonight." "Five of these comics will" "Compete for $250,000, a spot on" "The last comic tour, and the" "Imperial grand title of "last" "Comic standing."" "[cheers and applause]" "And if that's not enough of a" "Thrill ride, legendary comedian" "Ron white is here." "[cheers and applause]" "Now, let's say hello to our" "Favorite prime-time judges." "Andy kindler." "[cheers and applause]" "Natasha Leggero." "[cheers and applause]" "And Greg Giraldo." "[cheers and applause]" "Okay." "Are you ready to find out who" "Will compete for the title?" "[cheers and applause]" "It's time for me to get my drama" "On." "[thunder]" "Last week, America made the" "Decision that it has to live" "With." "The comedian leaving us tonight" "Is Jonathan thymius." "[applause]" "Jonathan, it's been a crazy" "Ride, man." "Let's take a look at all the" "Memories we've shared." "This is the end of my "last" "Comic standing" journey." "It's depressing, you know," "Because America didn't vote for" "Me." "And I live in America." "[laughter]" "I don't know what to do with" "Myself now." "I guess I'll just go home and" "Feed the cat." "[laughter and applause] hey, there's no way any of us" "Could ever forget you, my" "Brother." "See you at the top." "Jonathan thymius, ladies and" "Gentlemen." "[cheers and applause]" "America and anyone who's been to" "America, here they are, your" "Final five." "[cheers and applause]" "One of these guys will be the" ""last comic standing."" "And I hope you guys like each" "Other, because you're going to" "Be on tour together for the next 297 days." "First up... first up tonight to" "Perform for your votes and the" "Title of "last comic standing"" "Is Roy wood, Jr." "[cheers and applause]" "Let's get even more acquainted" "With Roy." "Check this out." "My "last comic standing"" "Journey has been amazing." "To be where I am now is just" "Truly a blessing." "My burger is delicious." "The only reason I'm doing comedy" "Is because I got arrested when I" "Was 19." "My buddy and I, we stole a" "Girl's credit card." "We got arrested for it." "It was during that time that I" "Discovered comedy as a coping" "Mechanism to deal with my" "Depression." "I went into the New York City" "Audition just wanting to do well" "That morning." "Going to take time to get the" "Troops out of Iraq." "It took two years to get a crazy" "Girl out of my apartment." "I went into the evening" "Auditions just wanting to do" "Well that night and have a shot" "At doing this for the rest of my" "Life." "Please welcome back to the" "Stage Roy wood, Jr." "[cheers and applause] yes." "Yes." "I'm glad y'all are excited." "Nobody's more excited for me" "Than my Uncle but he's drunk." "He keeps telling people to watch" "The wrong NBC shows." "You know, my nephew gonna be on" ""law  order."" "He lives in Mississippi." "People down there real uptight" "About race." "Some black people down there" "Think everybody hate the black" "People which isn't possible." "Otherwise, Obama wouldn't be" "President." "That doesn't even make sense." "I understand what their argument" "Is." "There are some racists in this" "Country." "But everybody's not a racist." "The problem is we can't tell you" "Apart from the bad guys." "Because we want to like you, but" "We don't know if you're down." "I think anybody that likes black" "People, they should get a wrist" "Band or a hand stamp, just" "Something... [applause]" "Quick." "I think that would be" "Convenient." "You just whoop it out in a dark" "Alley." "Give me all of your money." "Whoa, ah, ah, ah." "I'm sorry." "Most of my friends are married." "I'm not." "Starting to be a problem." "Because when you're single, all" "The lies flow through you." "I don't want to lie to your" "Wife." "Even if I did, you don't give me" "Enough time to learn the lie." "Hey, dog, she's going to call" "You." "Just say shrimp scampi." "Quick." "What does that mean?" "That's not a complete sentence." "There's no action verb." "What is the shrimp scampi doing." "Explain that." "I don't get it." "These guys, all they want to do" "Is all this kind of dirt." "I'm like dude, just calm down," "It's all right." "I see some of these guys." "All they want to do is cheat and" "They call me up." "They go, hey, man, look, I need" "You to go on your website and" "Say you're in Puerto Rico." "But I'm not in Puerto Rico." "I told my wife we was kicking it" "In Puerto Rico." "Do you think I'm going to" "Remember that lie two years from" "Now drunk on your couch?" "A palm tree pops up on the" "Screen and first thing I'm going" "To say is, I ain't never been to" "Puerto Rico." "Then you're going to get" "Divorced." "I saw one of my boys get caught" "Cheating one time." "We were at a pizza spot." "His wife comes in with all her" "Girlfriends." "The way they came in, it was" "Military precision." "Somebody must have been across" "The street." "Go ahead, girlfriend." "What you got?" "We got your man." "He's in there with a white girl." "What do we do with the white" "Girl?" "Whoop her ass." "She's got a wrist band." "Thank you all so much." "Roy wood, Jr." "Judges, earn your keep." "Andy." "Wow!" "Wow!" "You know, is it too late for me" "To say who am I to judge at this" "Point?" "Is it too late for that?" "Apparently, yes." "Thank you, crowd, for going" "Deadly silent." "Roy, you're getting better and" "Better every week." "I just love you so much, man." "I wish I had something more" "Insightful to say." "Thanks for the case of wrist" "Bands." "Great." "Roy, I love that you're" "Personal, but then you also have" "Social commentary and it's so" "Funny." "And you seem like such a nice" "Guy." "Stay single." "You're going to get a hot chick" "When you win this contest." "[cheers and applause]" "Roy, just say we were in the" "Bahamas." "You're great, man." "This was a smashing, smashing" "Set." "And you've been great all along." "Like Andy says, you're getting" "Better each week." "That was awesome." "Great set." "[cheers and applause] if you want Roy to be the" ""last comic standing," call 1-877-5-keep-01." "That's 1-877-553-3701." "Voting lines will be open for" "Two hours at the end of the" "Show." "Calls are toll free from" "Landlines so you don't have any" "Excuses." "Call." "I'm going to powder my nose in" "The lady's room." "Welcome back to "last comic" "Standing."" "I'm your host, Craig Robinson," "Or as they call me in China," "Blackie Chan." "Tonight our comics are battling" "For $250,000 and comedy's most" "Televised title." "Are you ready for your next" "Comic?" "[cheers and applause]" "Then check him out." "I was 8 when I decided I" "Wanted to be a comedian, and it" "Was because of David letterman." "I knew I was going to do it from 8 years old and I never changed" "My mind." "I think Warren Buffett bought" "His first stock at 6." "Someone I've always looked up to" "Is probably my stepdad." "My stepdad has been nothing but" "Encouraging for what I wanted to" "Do." "For me to pick something so" "Crazy and for him to be right on" "Board for the whole time is a" "Big deal." "You have to train for two weeks" "To be a busboy at applebee's and" "You're going to hand me your" "Infant, no questions asked?" "Tommy Johnagin is a joke" "Machine that is never going to" "Be busted." "It's been cheesy, but there" "Are moments that the judges have" "Said such nice things to me, I" "Get chills." "That was a great set." "To have people like that who" "Are so well respected say things" "Like that is really amazing." "Everybody give a round for" "Tommy Johnagin." "[cheers and applause]" "I have a redneck Uncle who" "Did the most redneck thing I" "Heard of when he stole a" "Port-a-potty from the side of" "The interstate." "My friend says there's no way he" "Did that." "You have to empty those out." "You're an idiot if you think a" "Port-a-potty thinks things" "Through." "He just saw it and goes that" "Will fit in my truck and someone" "Says, hell, yeah, it will." "Then it did." "The weirdest thing I've done," "When I was 13 I went to a" "Gynecologist for a sports" "Physical and I found out they" "Don't do that there." "I walked into the wrong office" "And that's where the story" "Should stop but apparently the" "Woman behind the counter was" "Either too stupid or hilarious," "Because she goes, here, fill out" "This form." "And I did." "I had to skip over a few" "Questions, sure." "There were a couple of not" "Applicables on there." "I was weighed by a nurse at a" "Gynecologist's office." "She goes why are you here today," "Which is perhaps the question" "That should have come up" "Earlier?" "I said I'm here for a sports" "Physical and she goes did you" "Know this is an ob-gyn's office" "To which I reply yes, because I" "Thought if I said no, I would" "Look stupid." "[laughter and applause]" "I forgot..." "I forgot I even did" "That until it occurred to me" "That somewhere in a" "Gynecologist's office there's a" "File with my name on it and" "Weight and a question mark next" "To are you menstruating." "I was like, yeah, I'm 13." "I menstruate all the time." "But I do it in my own home with" "The door locked." "Why is that... is my mom going" "To find out about this?" "Does this make our insurance go" "Up?" "Here's another weird thing" "Happened." "I killed a deer with my car" "Once." "It was an accident." "It was like I saw it and I was" "Like give me my keys." "I hit it at 70 miles an hour and" "A girl with me, the moment we" "Hit it, she goes, "deer!" "" where?"" "I can't see it because there's a" "Deer in my windshield." "Then she goes, thank God we're" "All right." "I'm not thanking God." "That's one of his creatures and" "He threw it at us." "Thanks very much, guys, I" "Appreciate it." "Tommy Johnagin." "[cheers and applause]" "Okay, judges, we value your" "Opinions." "Natasha Leggero." "Tommy, it's so refreshing to" "Hear a man doing menstruation" "Jokes, really." "No, what I love about you" "Besides the gynecology jokes is" "That you really have jokes" "Within the jokes and you're" "Making the setup hilarious and" "Then there's a big payoff at the" "End with the punchline." "I really think you're so funny." "Thank you." "Greg Giraldo." "Tommy, I don't know how to" "Say this subtly." "You're a great comedian." "You're a great comedian." "You experience the world in a" "Way that normal people don't." "If you listen to all your jokes," "They're stories, things that" "Happened to you, but you weave" "Them into great bits and you" "Crush every time." "I just think you're fantastic." "[cheers and applause]" "Andrew kindler." "Tommy, that was... that" "Really was the best set yet." "I don't know how people are" "Going to vote." "That was so amazing." "I can't vote because I have a" "Thermal fax machine." "But you... you were a little" "Slower tonight, which was great." "I mean, I got more..." "I always" "Get your personality, but even" "More insight." "I just loved it." "I'm coming up with the are you" "Menstruating t-shirt." "If you want Tommy to be the" ""last comic standing," grab the" "Phone, hit someone on the head" "With it and call 1-877-5-keep-02." "That's 1-877-553-3702." "You can also vote online at" "Remember, there's a limit of 10" "Votes per method." "All right." "We're be forced to take a break." "Don't do anything stupid." "We'll continue in just a moment." "Welcome back to the show you" "Never left." "I just want to remind you that," "A, I'm cute." "B, Ron white will be performing" "Here in a little while." "[applause]" "And, c, our final five comics" "Are fighting for $250,000 and a" "Shopping spree at Gimbel's" "Department store." "Now let's meet our next comic." "The journey so far has been" "Very exciting from the very" "Beginning in an empty room." "At nighttime, you come back to" "This room there's going to be" "People and an audience." "Thank you, everybody." "Let's have another round of" "Applause when I'm done." "It's a nerve-racking experience" "At every point during this" "Competition." "Myq has gotten better and" "Better as the competition goes" "On." "People respect the jokes." "That's the funny thing." "Myq Kaplan." "It would be amazing to win." "I mean, make it happen." "I am gay friendly, or as they" "Called me in High School, gay." "My family has been loving and" "Supportive." "My mom has always been a follow" "Your dream, you're doing what" "You love person." "And my girlfriend, I wouldn't be" "Who I am without her or any of" "These people." "Please show some love and" "Acceptance for Myq Kaplan." "[cheers and applause] thanks, everybody." "You know, I'm Myq, not Tommy." "You can tell us apart because my" "Glasses don't have any metal and" "He doesn't get as many e-mails" "Saying enjoy hell, Jew." "It's enjoyable." "They want me to have a good" "Time." "You're going." "Make a day of it." "Prejudice is getting weirder." "Separate you didn't like." "Like interracial marriage." "Don't let black people marry us." "Make them marry each other only." "Not a lot of wrist bands back" "Then." "Today with gay people, don't" "Make them marry each other." "Make them marry us?" "[laughter and applause]" "Maybe make them marry the black" "People." "Bigotry is confusing." "Some people think that gay" "Marriage is going to lead to" "People marrying animals." "That's not been happening." "I haven't seen many baby" "Mermaids anywhere." "Whatever your position on the" "Issue, we can agree that's a" "Weird leap to make." "Did that happen throughout" "History?" "When women got the right to" "Vote, which I support, was" "Somebody crazy and sexist" "Thinking outlandish things like" "Women can vote?" "Who's going to vote next," "Furniture, horses, other things" "That I own?" "[laughter and applause]" "Thank you." "I appreciate..." "I appreciate" "Some of you clapping for the" "Right reasons." "Thank you." "Thank you." "One time when I said I believed" "Women should vote, a woman" "Yelled at me." "You're just saying that to get" "Laid." "I'm like that's all I'd have to" "Say to you to get laid?" "And it was." "So... [applause]" "Thank you, 19th amendment, is" "The point." "19th amendment gave women the" "Right to vote." "It came after the 18th, which" "Was prohibition of alcohol." "Which means history went like" "This." "All right, everyone, now that" "We're not drinking anymore, we" "Agree maybe women should be" "Voting as well." "Then women started voting and" "They were like we've got to" "Start drinking again." "Women are voting ridiculous." "[applause]" "So that's one of my pick-up" "Lines." "But I think women face" "Difficulties today." "This group of feminists" "Protesting the term manhole" "Because a person of either" "Gender can go through one of" "Those." "I agree." "We should call them street" "Vaginae." "Get them tattooed." "[applause]" "You guys, I guess the point is" "I'm pretty great with women." "I support your right to do it." "Men, too." "My name is Myq Kaplan." "Myq Kaplan." "Okay, judges, tell us what you" "Think one at a time." "Grig grig." "Greg Giraldo." "Disagree with giving the women" "The right to vote." "We're in the finals." "You're great." "Your jokes are so well-written." "You're funny." "You're spontaneous." "You're doing things in the" "Moment." "I love you." "I think you're a hilarious guy." "Andy." "I have to echo what Greg" "Said." "I don't know how this vote's" "Going to go." "I don't want to be in America's" "Shoes, which is how I feel every" "Morning, by the way." "And I won the pool." "Yes, he is Jewish." "We've been arguing about that." "Myq, you're hilarious." "You do so many things." "I say hooray to your thought" "Process." "Fantastic." "Natasha." "I'm going to have to agree" "With these boys." "I am against the women's" "Movement." "I think it ruined a permanent" "Vacation for half the species." "So now I have to judge on a" "Show." "I don't want to have to work" "Either." "It sucks." "You're so funny." "Great job." "If you want Myq to be the" ""last comic standing," walk over" "To your phone and dial 1-877-5-keep-03." "That's 1-877-553-3703." "For two hours." "There's a limit of 10 votes per" "Method." "When we come back, we'll put" "Another contestant's career and" "Livelihood in your hands." "It's the battle for the title," "Y'all." "Welcome back to "last comic" "Standing," the fight for" "Snooky's honor." "Tonight the final five are" "Performing in unalphabetical" "Order for the title of "last" "Comic standing."" "Up next is Felipe esparza." "Watch his video now." "Felipe really seems like he" "Was born to make people laugh." "I want to laugh." "When I was a kid, I wanted to" "Be a comedian, but growing up" "Where I grew up, dreams take a" "Break." "I live in a gated community." "The windows are gated." "The back door's gated." "A year went by." "I got into hard core drugs and" "Gang banging." "Some day I got lucky enough to" "Rethink my life, what I want to" "Do with my life and this is what" "I want to do." "Felipe esparza." "Envelope to move on to the" "Semifinals, I was shocked." "I don't like to stereotype" "About Latinos." "We're not all hard workers." "Sitting here as a finalist is" "Shocking." "It's surreal." "I can't believe it." "Thank you very much, ladies and" "Gentlemen." "I love it, man." "I love doing this." "I'm going to die with a" "Microphone in my hand." "[cheers and applause] give up your stuff for Felipe" "Esparza." "[cheers and applause] man, all right." "I love my dad, man." "Growing up my dad would walk" "Around the whole neighborhood" "And collect old furniture and" "Bring it home and fix it, like" "MacGyver, with duct tape." "One time he brought a television" "Home." "I said, look, that TV has 500" "Channels." "When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels." "[applause]" "My favorite channel was 300" "Degrees." "It was a hot show." "It's hard to lose weight." "Everybody cooks with canola oil," "Corn oil." "I'm Mexican." "We cook with lard." "My mother puts lard on" "Everything." "I had a heart attack when I was 12." "I would play kickball." "What the... ooh." "I didn't know it was a heart" "Attack." "I thought I was turning into the" "Incredible hulk." "My brother came out of the" "Closet." "He told everyone he was gay." "My dad started choking on" "Turkey." "I ran behind him in a Heimlich" "Maneuver." "[laughter and applause]" "Doesn't anyone here like women?" "My sister said, I do." "It's kind of weird if you have a" "Gay brother, because he's very" "Good looking." "He could have any woman he" "Wants." "He wants a man." "That pisses me off." "That's like having superman" "Powers but you don't want to" "Rescue nobody." "[cheers and applause]" "I'm having..." "I'm having lunch" "With my brother and his" "Boyfriend shows up." "Listen, man, I don't know how I" "Know this, but my brother could" "Do a lot better." "[laughter]" "They start kissing in front of" "Me." "The more they kiss, the gayer I" "Look." "Oh, hello." "People were feeling sorry for" "Me." "Look at that fat gay third" "Wheel." "And women look at my brother and" "They get upset." "He's gay." "What a waste." "Hey, I'm not gay." "What a shame." "Thank you very much." "[cheers and applause]" "Felipe esparza!" "[cheers and applause]" "Judges, spill your guts." "Felipe, Felipe, I'm loving" "That bit when you come up behind" "Your father that he's not" "Concerned about the incest part," "Just the gay part seems to" "Bother him." "I love that." "I have to say, Felipe, I have" "Grown more in love with you each" "Week." "You are unlike Carlos Mencia" "From Australia, you are the real" "Deal." "I love what you do." "Felipe, I love that you talk" "About your family and I love" "That you bring them here to the" "Show to start the standing" "Ovation." "[laughter and applause]" "Felipe, you are..." "Felipe," "You are definitely my favorite" "Mexican Amish comedian." "You're one of those guys it's" "Impossible not to love." "The crowds love you." "You kill hard." "Your jokes are such original." "You have such an original world" "View." "I think you're fantastic." "That was great." "If you want Felipe to be the" ""last comic standing," put that" "Dialing degree to use and call 1-877-5-keep-04." "That's 1-877-553-3704." "These toll-free numbers are 877," "So please dial carefully." "Show." "It's time for another special" "Break." "We have one more finalist set to" "Perform, and then comedy" "Superstar Ron white takes the" "Stage." "Stay with us." "Welcome back to the TV show" "That's so good it should be in" "The movies." "The next finalist coming to the" "Stage is ready to be funny, so" "Let's take a look at this video." "Says things sometimes that" "Are harsh." "I love young people but you" "Walk around a lot." "You've got that stupid look of" "Hope." "He has so much heart behind" "Him." "You can see there's a depth to" "Him as a person." "It's not that I'm dark." "I think comedy is supposed to be" "About the dark side of life." "Put my helmet on, ma." "When I first went in to audition" "For the show, I didn't think I" "Was going to make the past the" "Morning first audition." "All right." "I'm going to start now." "I knew they just weren't going" "To like me." "We'll see you tonight." "Why?" "To fuck you?" "The first joke, I was on his" "Bus." "Your act is too sweet." "Week I did better and better." "Mike Destefano." "Mike Destefano." "Mike Destefano." "Winning "last comic standing"" "Would just blow my mind." "It would be... it would be" "Great." "[cheers and applause] give a warm welcome to Mike" "Destefano." "[cheers and applause] all right." "What's up, everyone?" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I went to catholic school as a" "Kid." "That's why I'm a Buddhist." "They don't yell at you, the" "Buddhists." "They're nice." "They sit there." "The nuns yell at you." "Jesus died for your sins." "I'm 7." "What did I do already?" "It's unbelievable." "You know what I'm sick of?" "Ugly scary religious people" "Trying to..." "Jesus loves you." "Oh, really?" "If Jesus loved me, I think he" "Would have sent somebody else to" "Tell me." "Yeah, yeah." "You're bad advertising." "You are bad advertising for" "Jesus, like Mel Gibson." "[cheers and applause]" "Yeah, that's right." "So you ever find money on the" "Sidewalk?" "It's the most incredible" "Experience." "It could be a dollar." "I found a $20 bill." "I picked it up." "I felt so special." "Then there's a homeless guy" "Sleeping 3 feet away." "Ruined the whole experience." "I'm thinking he should have" "Found it." "I woke him up." "I said, hey, you should have" "Found this." "Pay attention." "Thought I'd help out." "Then he said, he said to me, can" "I have it?" "I said, no." "If I give you this money, it's" "Going to deprive you of the" "Lesson that I'm trying to teach" "You." "When I was a kid, my Uncle Jerry" "Taught me a lot of good things" "About life." "He told me the only difference" "Between Jews and Italians is" "College." "[laughter]" "And when you hit a guy with a" "Hammer, make sure it's a" "Ballpine hammer not a regular" "Hammer, because it will get" "Stuck in the guy's head and" "He'll run away with your hammer." "[applause]" "So I try to remember that." "I'm sick of these gangsta" "Rappers shooting nine times and" "They don't die." "God, save me." "God was busy." "The reason you're not dead," "Black dudes, you don't know how" "To shoot that good." "You jump around like this, side" "Ways." "Hold the gun straight and focus." "Doing." "If 50 cent got shot by Italians," "Two bullets, he would have been" "Done, dead." "That's right." "Murder works." "His name would be 48 cents right" "Now." "The cell phone guy ripped me off" "A month ago." "I went back to his office." "The bill was $140." "He said it was going to be $79." "I went back with a real of duct" "Tape and hammer and said I'm" "Going to bust your head open" "Including nights and weekends." "As I was hitting him, I said can" "You hear me now?" "Thank you very much, you guys." "Appreciate it." "Mike destefano." "[cheers and applause]" "Okay." "Natasha." "Mike, that was absolutely" "Terrible." "You have no business being on" "The... sorry, wrong show." "Trying to boost our ratings." "That was so funny." "My family's gonna love ya." "Stop facebooking my dad." "He's already voting for you as" "Much as he can." "He loves the paisan." "Great, great." "Greg Giraldo." "Mike... no, it's my turn." "I'm sorry, Greg." "You're fantastic." "That was such a strong set." "It's so hard to be mean and" "Tough and still so lovable" "And... not by me, but by the" "Masses." "I don't love you." "But that was super funny and" "Super great." "This is the finals, and you" "Really brought it here tonight." "Andrew kindler." "I would love to say some of" "The things you say, but I don't" "Have any genitals." "Otherwise, I would." "You are gruff but also bright." "In your case it works." "You've got it all." "If you want Mike to be the" ""last comic standing," and you" "Love making free phone calls," "Then dial 1-877-5-keep-05." "Once again, that's 1-877-553-3705." "Cast your vote if your modem" "Still works." "Mine is broken." "When we come back, the lovely" "And hilarious Ron white will hit" "The stage." "Then it's time to vote." "Welcome back to "last comic" "Standing."" "It's almost time to vote." "First, we have a very special" "Guest." "He's an inspiration to us all," "The hilarious Ron white." "[cheers and applause] yeah." "Yeah." "Thank you very much." "You're so kind." "You know, seven years ago when" ""last comic standing" started, I" "Remember as a young comic how" "Excited I was to hear that there" "Was a new reality show out there" "Out it's not a drinking contest." "I'm like, why'd you call it" ""last comic standing"?" "[laughter and applause]" "I think comedy's about" "Perseverance, about getting the" "Job done no matter what." "Show's gotta go on." "And about a month ago I was in" "Las Vegas." "While I was in Vegas, I broke" "This tooth off at the gumline in" "An alcohol swimming pool-related" "Incident." "I had a show to do in four" "Hours." "I was kind of drunk and missing" "A tooth." "It looked a little" "Unprofessional." "Not to me, but to the fine folks" "At the mirage who invited me" "Out." "I told them, I said, I can't go" "On stage until we get this" "Patched." "This tooth doesn't look that big" "Until it's gone." "About the size of a dinner" "Plate." "They found this all-night dental" "School." "This dentist is like 14 years" "Old." "He hooks me up to the gas." "I tell him I don't feel" "Anything." "You need to turn this up." "He says there are regulations in" "I say where did you go to" "College?" "Brigham young." "Turn it up to catholic." "Here's the moral to that story." "Never let a Mormon set your buzz" "Level." "They don't understand hammer the" "Way you and I do." "They're guessing and they're bad" "Guessers." "I live in Atlanta part of the" "Year, last summer in Atlanta, an" "Idiot teenager was decapitated" "At an amusement park in Georgia" "On a famous roller coaster." "I thought he stood up and got" "His head cut off." "That's not what happened." "What happened, his hat flew off." "When he got off the ride, he" "Went through two fences they" "Told him not to to retrieve the" "Hat which it turns out he really" "Didn't need after all." "[applause]" "It's about touring." "I tour." "I've done this for 24 years." "I tour with my wife usually." "I love to tour with my wife." "I only have sex with my wife." "I've been married three times." "That has not always been my" "Policy." "See who was going to get married" "First." "I came in second, fourth and" "Seventh." "[laughter and applause]" "There's a lot of comfort in" "Having one sex partner." "I'm slow to learn." "She knows what I like and I know" "What she won't do." "There's a list of things she" "Won't do." "The first thing on the list is" "Talk about the list." "We did invent a sexual position" "That I named the lazy dog." "And I'll teach you how to do the" "Lazy dog." "You get in bed there and you get" "In the doggy style position and" "Both of you at the same time," "And that's the important part," "Fall over." "Now you're doing the lazy dog." "Thank you very much." "[cheers and applause]" "Ron white, ladies and" "Gentlemen." "[cheers and applause]" "Okay." "In just a moment, our voting" "Lines will open." "You may not vote for Ron white." "Now, let's take a moment to look" "Again at all of tonight's" "Performances." "Remember that lie two years ago" "Drunk from your couch?" "A palm tree pops up on the" "Screen." "First thing I'm going to say, I" "Ain't never been to Puerto Rico." "She says thank God we're all" "Right." "I'm not thanking God." "That's one of his creatures." "He threw it at us." "Today with gay people, don't" "Let them marry each other." "Make them marry us?" "My family put lard on" "Everything." "Had a heart attack when I was 12." "He should have found it." "I woke him up." "Hey, you should have found this." "Pay attention." "Guess what?" "The voting lines are now open." "Remember, this is your last" "Chance to vote." "Voting lines are open for two" "Hours." "Be patient if you can't get" "Through right away." "There's a limit of 10 votes per" "Method." "Next week, don't miss our" "Star-studded finale." "We'll have performances from" "Kathy Griffin and also our three" "Judges will take the stage and" "I'll be performing with my band," "The nasty delicious and, of" "Course, we'll find out who will" "Be the "last comic standing."" "I'm Craig Robinson."