"You guys!" "Oh, my God, you guys!" "You're never gonna guess what!" "Seriously, you guys, guess what!" " What?" " You guys, you know Pete Melman?" "Fourth grade." "Mr. Bard's class?" " The blond kid?" " Yeah, yeah, Pete Melman." "What about him?" "He crapped his pants today during social studies." "He had to go to the nurse's office and have his mom bring him a fresh pair of jeans!" "How do you know?" "Because, dude, it's all over Eavesdropper!" " Eavesdropper?" " What's that?" "You guys don't follow Eavesdropper?" "It's a Website about all the students in the school." "Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?" "Pete Melman shit his pants!" "Yeah, yeah, I'm showing the guys!" "Check it out!" "Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom." "Just listen!" "Listen, listen!" "Hello, Mrs. Melman." "This is the school nurse." "I'm afraid your son has had a little accident." "Oh, no, what is it?" " Turn it up." " Is he okay?" "No, no, it's not serious, but he went number two during class." "I'm afraid he's going to need a new pair of pants and underwear and a clean pair of socks." " Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?" " Yeah, yeah, we're listening to it." "Dude, that's so wrong." "Hey!" "Pete Melman pooped his pants and had to have his mom bring him new undies!" "Okay, okay, so what do we call Pete Melman when we see him?" "I was thinking "Poopy Pants Pete,"" "but then I also thought of "Mush Pants Melman."" "Attention, South Park students." "Will the following students report to the principal's office immediately?" "Eric Cartman." "Thank you." "Oh, Jesus, what now?" "Eric, as you might have heard, a student here at South Park Elementary had an accident in the classroom." "I know, dude." "Pete Melman crapped his pants." "So frickin' funny!" "Okay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny." "For him, it's embarrassing and terrifying." "Right." "That's why it's super funny to me." "Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here at school." "Now, you remember what happened to him?" "Yeah, he killed himself." "Yes, and the reason he killed himself, Eric, was that the ridicule and the torment from other students, spearheaded by you, caused him" " Hey, whoa" " Spearheaded by you, m'kay, made him feel there was no other way out." "Okay, whoa, whoa!" "We've been through this." "You cannot put Corey Duran's death on me." "I'm not the one who crapped his pants in front of everyone." "Eric, we are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete." "Please just let it go." "You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who- excuse my language, but I have to be harsh here- a kid who shit in his pants in front of everyone... - to just ignore that so he can have a normal life?" "We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, Eric, the other students might forget about it." "You really think information like this will just die down?" "There's Internet." "There's Eavesdropper." "You might be worried Pete Melman is gonna kill himself, but the truth is he was dead the second he crapped his pants." "All right, Eric, here's the deal." "This school cannot have another suicide on its hands." "We want you to see Pete Melman through this and turn public opinion around." "You're crazy!" "It can't be done!" "If Pete Melman does not kill himself, we will make it very worth your while." "You aren't listening!" "There is" "Make it worth my while how?" " Dude, no way!" " What's up?" "They've got a video of Pete Melman's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper." "Dude, that's fucked up." "Come on, dude, it's pretty funny." "It's funny that something which should be completely private is put up on a Website for everyone to see?" "Yeah, dude, that's pretty funny." "It's megaduper-hilarious!" "Oh, hey, Jenny." "What's up?" "What do you want?" "You hear about Pete Melman?" "Pretty messed up, huh?" "Yeah, it's gross." "So, what you doing for lunch?" "My mom packed me the best stuff." " She even baked cupcakes." " So what?" "I was just thinking that... well, maybe we could eat lunch together." "I've always kind of..." "Liked you." " I don't like you." " I know." "I know you don't like me back." "I just..." "Yeah, you know, this was stupid." "I'm sorry." "Will you just take the cupcake?" "Or don't take the" " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I wasted your time." "Hey, wait!" "Look, I'm sorry." "That was mean." "I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes." "And now number 17 many of you got wrong as well." "The correct answer was D." "Whales are mammals." " Oooh!" " They're not fish" "You all right, Jenny?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I just-ugh!" "Mr. Garrison, can I please be excused?" "Excused?" "Oh, but we are in the middle of class." " Unh!" " What's the matter?" "I just need to go to the restroom!" "Well, okay." "Uh, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that's quite fair." "I mean, you rarely let us get up and leave during a class." "Please, I got to go now." "Well, just give it a couple minutes, Jenny." "It could just be a cramp." "No, Mr. Garrison, I gotta-ugh... - aah!" "Ew!" "Oh, my God!" "Jenny Simons crapped her pants!" "Did you guys hear that?" "Oh, my God!" "It's way worse than Pete Melman was!" " Sick!" " Way worse!" "Ugh!" "The doctors say that Jenny Simons barely survived the fall." "Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis." " All right, cool." " No, not cool!" "M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric!" "She's given up on life." "You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself." "By making Jenny Simons crap her pants worse than Pete," "I've made her the number-one story on Eavesdropper." "That wasn't the point, Eric!" "Nobody was supposed to kill themselves!" "Unless you fix this, our deal is off." "Nobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, and nobody can die?" " Yes!" " Jesus Christ." "Okay, okay, um..." "Jesus..." "Uh, okay, look..." "Okay, those... - those tests we all took last week, the State Efficiency Tests, how did we do on those?" "Uh, our students did average, maybe just below average." "Okay, no, they all did awesome." "In fact, our students did so good on the tests that you... you decided to reward them all." "At lunch, you're serving the students pizza from Pizza Hut." "But we're going to put laxatives and Arby's Horsey Sauce in the pizza so that every kid in the school craps their pants after recess." "Everyone craps their pants, nobody's singled out... problem solved." "That's insane!" "Okay, well, if you have a better idea, then why am I here?" "Hi, Jan. It's Counselor Mackey." "Uh, how long would it take to organize a pizza Friday for the students?" "Yeah, yeah, no, they, uh... - they actually did really well on the state exam." "Yeah, m'kay." "Dude, check it out!" "Eavesdropper found an email from Jenny Simons' boyfriend calling her "Soft Serve Simons"!" "That's not funny." "Hey, here's a post about Token." ""Token Black's private gym photos!"" "I'm not looking at that." "Come on, dude, it's pretty funny." "It wouldn't be funny if that Website posted something about you." " I wouldn't care." " "Exclusive..." "Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson has a hot butt crack."" "What?" ""In an email sent yesterday to Kenny McCormick," ""Stan Marsh wrote, 'Dude, you should have been in P.E. Today." ""Elise Thompson's butt crack was totally showing.'" ""He went on to call her butt crack, 'Nice,' and that the whole experience was, 'Pretty awesome."'" "Kenny!" "Kenny, what the fuck?" "What?" "How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my email to you?" "I don't know." "Do you just leave your emails open for everyone to read?" "No." "That was a private email from me to you." "Hey, Wendy." "You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?" "No, I was telling Kenny he would like it." "Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?" "Wendy, it was just a quick email to Kenny." "New stories pop up on Eavesdropper every hour." "People are gonna forget all about this." "So you didn't email anybody else about Elise Thompson's butt crack, right?" "This is an issue of trust and privacy!" "We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper once and for all." " Yes, Kyle?" " So just to be completely clear... now it isn't funny, right?" "What's funny about having our private lives hacked into?" "Especially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack." "Shut up, Butters!" "What we have to do is find out who in the school is running Eavesdropper." "I've done an extensive profile, and I have narrowed it down to somebody in this very room." "Now, whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch, and we're not gonna" "It's not somebody in this room." "What?" "How do you know?" "Because whoever it is just now posted a new story on Eavesdropper." ""Allison Taft reveals embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker."" "Yeah" " Hey, wait, that's me." " Where is it coming from?" " Huh?" "If it's on the school network, we can track the I.P. Address!" "This way." "In here!" "Whoever it is is using the computer in the music room." "We only have music class on Thursdays." "Of course!" "A kid could use the computer in there and nobody would know." "Get ready, guys." "Whoever's in here is the kid that's hacking our emails and phone calls." " You guys ready?" " Oh, I'm ready." "One... two... three!" "It's a rat!" "Get it!" " Ah!" " Unh!" "Don't let him get away!" " He's gone!" " What the hell?" "A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper?" "WikiLeaks." "It says here its name is WikiLeaks." "Lemmiwinks!" "I come with news of great gravity." "Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking emails." "Yes, and I'm afraid the news gets worse." "The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks, is your brother WikiLeaks!" "* WikiLeaks, the phone hacker *" "* With a heart of doom *" "* Everyone knows the Gerbil King *" "* But no one ever speaks *" "* Of Lemmiwinks' brother *" "* The evil WikiLeaks *" "Once again, WikiLeaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world." "Only you can stop him, Lemmiwinks." "* Lemmiwinks, King of Gerbils *" "* Stop your brother of doom *" "It's just so embarrassing." "What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab?" "It's okay, Emily." "Can I tell you a secret?" "My mom has a drinking problem too." "Really?" "You too?" "That's just between us, okay?" "Of course, Tammy." "I'm really glad I shared this with you." "Stop that rat!" "Knock it off!" ""I just want you to know that I have a huge crush on you, and... - "" "Hey!" "No, WikiLeaks!" "Bad!" "Yep, a few more laxatives on that one." "A little more Arby's Horsey Sauce on there, mm-hmm." " Is this one good?" " Yeah, I think they're all ready." "Are you sure this will work, Eric?" "What if some of the students don't eat the pizza?" "It doesn't matter." "Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget about Pete Melman and Jenny Simons forever." "All right, Eric, well, get back to class." "We don't want anyone seeing you in here with us." "Uh, hold on just a second." "I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment." "I'm not letting you guys screw me over again." "Give me what I wanted now." "All right, fine." "Bring her in, Adler." "Oh, my God!" "Selena Gomez!" "You... you actually got her to come!" "Hi, Eric." "I understand you really wanted to meet me." "Want to get a picture together?" "No, thanks." "Okay, proceed." "I'm sorry about this, Miss Gomez." "All right, get her the fuck out of here." "Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted." "Are we straight?" "That was amazing." "All right, now get back to class." "Adler, get rid of those laxative bottles." "Trash all the Arby's Horsey Sauce packages too." "There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here." "What the" "Oh, shit!" "Stop that rat!" "All right, Lemmiwinks, we should probably get going now." "The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks!" "Let us chase your destiny!" "Ah, Sparrow Prince!" "What news do you bring?" "WikiLeaks grows stronger with each passing moment." "The birds are tweeting that he is about to release his biggest story yet." "Then the moment is truly here." "Come, Lemmiwinks!" "Let us make haste!" "Le-Lemmiwinks?" "His heart is so heavy." "I weep for him." "Indeed." "Could you do it, Frog Prince?" "Could you kill your own brother?" "I thank God I don't have to make that decision." "We might need to bring in some outside help." "You see?" "There!" "Look!" "It says Eavesdropper's biggest story ever is coming out this afternoon!" "Biggest story about who?" "There's no telling." "It could be about any of us!" "Well met, Children of Adam." "I am Catatafish." "* Catatafish of the Stomach's Cove *" " What?" " I come asking for your help." "There is only one thing that can stop WikiLeaks." "But right now Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner." "Lemmiwinks?" "Our old class gerbil?" "What is that thing?" "I am Catatafish." "I am a great wizard, and I am a friend." "And I'm a ghost, besides, of course, being a fish." "* Catatafish tale will soon be told *" "Do you know why a gerbil is running around hacking our phone calls and putting our secrets up on the Internet?" "He does it purely for reasons of evil." "And his treachery is not limited to humans." "WikiLeaks posted exaggerated things about me too." "He posted on his Website that I had sex with an underage fish and that I made her perform bass to mouth." "If you accept this quest, you will help the Gerbil King defeat WikiLeaks once and for all." "But the choice is yours." "I'm not here to make you do anything... like that underage salmon." "I didn't make her do anything." "If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault?" "* Catatafish made a salmon suck asshole *" "No!" "No, see, that's wrong." "It's being exaggerated again." "Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner" " so we can kill this stupid rat!" " Careful, child." "I assure you, WikiLeaks is anything but stupid, except when he said I made that teenage fish perform ass to trout." "That was stupid and untrue." "Did I say, "Ass to trout"?" "I meant to say, "Bass to mouth."" "Though I guess it's basically the same thing, not that I did it." "All right, are we sure we're alone?" "We're alone." "Now, what the hell are we gonna do?" "What can we do?" "We're all going to get fired." "This story hasn't gone up on Eavesdropper yet." " Maybe it won't." " Oh, right!" "The school faculty tries to poison all their students!" "That's not gonna be on Eavesdropper!" "Oh, let's just face it." "We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help." "We have to lie in them." "All we were trying to do was keep another one of our students from killing themselves." "We're not bad." " No, no, we are not bad." " We're not bad." "I mean, maybe what we need is to just think outside the box here." "I mean, if there's anything we've learned, it's that the only thing that makes a juicy story go away is a juicier story." "What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick?" "A student committing suicide?" "Hey, that's right." "Corey Duran killed himself last year, and we're still dealing with the fallout." "Maybe there is a way out of this." "But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus." "How do we do that?" "We get a bus... and then we throw Eric Cartman under it." "Yes?" "Hi." "Does a Vernon Trumpski live here?" "Yes, Vernon's around somewhere." "Come on, guys!" "Excuse me." "There he is!" "It's Lemmiwinks!" "Quick, we need something to carry him in." "Here's a shoe box." "Hey, what are you doing with my gerbil?" "We just need to borrow him, kid." "Mom!" "Some kids are stealing my gerbil!" "Look, dude, we don't have much time." "WikiLeaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever on Eavesdropper." "Lemmiwinks can stop him." "Mom!" "There's no time, children!" " You must take Lemmiwinks now!" " Grab him!" "Mom!" "* Go, Lemmiwinks *" "Quickly!" "We must get to the school!" "Whoa, whoa, wait, wait!" "* Run, run, the battle's on *" "* WikiLeaks and Lemmiwinks *" "* Run, run, the battle's on *" " Can't this thing go any faster?" " Hang on, Lemmiwinks!" "* Go, Lemmiwinks *" "* Stop WikiLeaks *" "Craig, are we still clear?" "Nothing's broke on the Website yet." "Faster, driver!" "The final battle is about to begin!" "* Go, Lemmiwinks *" "* Stop Wiki- *" "What the hell happened?" " Oh... - oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "He killed himself!" "Eric Cartman killed himself!" "Did you see that?" "Oh, why would he do it?" "Oh, wait, here's-here's a suicide note," "M'kay." ""Dear guys, I just cannot go on, m'kay." "I'm tired of being fat, m'kay, and I have to end it all." "M'kay." "Eric Cartman."" "Please, can this wait?" "A big story is about to come out on Eavesdropper, and we have the only way to stop it." "Well, why the hell didn't you say so?" "Come on, let's go!" "To battle!" "* Go, Lemmiwinks... *" "Quickly!" "While Lemmiwinks still has it in him!" "* Run, run, the battle's on *" "* WikiLeaks and Lemmiwinks *" "* Run, run, the battle's on *" "Stop right there, you little rat!" "* Go, Lemmiwinks *" "* Stop WikiLeaks *" "WikiLeaks!" "You have chosen a path of evil and now you shall pay." "Sparrow Prince, Catatafish!" "* Stop WikiLeaks *" "Oh, dude, he is fucking him up." "Look!" "I think Lemmiwinks killed him!" "He did it!" "M'kay, let's just delete all this tabloid garbage, m'kay." "Whew!" "I'm sure glad that's over with." "Yeah, but, you know, I think we all learned an important lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes." "Boy, I'll say." "Oh, Eric." "Uh, Eric, I know we kind of threw you under the bus, m'kay, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice." "It's okay, Mr. Mackey." "I'm totally over it." "Well, I think you're being very mature about this, Eric." "It was an overly generous move for you to give all the faculty those cupcakes." "I want to thank you, m'kay." "Oh, you are most certainly welcome." " Well, students, why don't we..." " ooh." "Oh, jeez." "You feeling all right, Mr. Mackey?" "Yeah, I just..." "I'll be right ba-ugh!" "Aah!" "Oh, it's bad!" "Excuse me, kids, I need to run... - aah!" "Ow!" "I put a lot of Arby's Horsey Sauce on those." "M'kay, can somebody get me some paper towels or maybe a... - aah, m'kay!" "Ooh, it's bad!" "Congratulations, Lemmiwinks!" "Thanks to you, private lives will stay private." "Yes, we are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth." "Just one question, Lemmiwinks." "How does it feel to have killed your own brother?" "Le-Lemmiwinks?" " He's devastated." " Yep, he's devastated."