"[¶¶¶]" "[¶¶¶] male voice: [narrating] i am about to tell you a beautiful story;" "a story that takes place somewhere far away." "A place where the temperature is 58 degrees below zero." "It is the coldest, darkest, most barren place on earth." "I'm talking about antarctica." "Antarctica:" "you can get there from here, but it's quite a journey." "You'll want to bring a sweater, or maybe let your pubic hair grow really long, and wrap it around your testicles." "It's that cold." "If you're a woman, you wouldn't have testicles, so you'd probably let your pubic hair grow really long around your vagina." "Whatever your gender, antarctica is a very cold place to live." "But it's also one of the most beautiful places on earth." "[Squawking of seagull]" "[¶¶¶] and if you're one of those people who has both testicles and a vagina, you may not want to go to antarctica at all." "Amsterdam probably makes more sense for what you are:" "half-man, half-woman." "And analogous to being a half-man, half-woman, antarctica used to be populated by thick bushes, until millions of years ago, when it slowly drifted to the southmost point of the earth where all hell froze over." "America used to be populated by thick bushes too until they started bikini waxes and brazilian cuts." "Hmmm-hmmm... i miss big bushes." "Antarctica is about one and a half times the size of the united states." "A claim once made in the 1960s, by cuba." "But this isn't a story about a country who's just waiting for their next dictator to die." "This is a story about the amazing creatures who for millions of years have lived here in mother earth's frigid white anus." "This is a story about survival." "It is a story about determination." "But mainly, it is a story about love, penguin love." "This is the... [¶¶¶]" "[¶¶¶] both:" "whoo-hoo!" "Ohhh!" "Whaa!" "Oy!" "Samuel I." "Jackson: [narrating] every january, thousands of male penguins go to the ocean to feed." "It is nature's ritual... penguin: yes!" "Giving them the fuel and strength to make the treacherous journey back home, where they will then mate with the bitches they have yet to meet." "But those bitches are 4 months and 70 miles away." "So for now, the males will bond." "But due to budgetary issues, their mouths do not move, yet we can hear their every neurotic thought." "Male: jimmy, has it ever dawned on you that we have major eating disorders?" "Jimmy: carl, everybody has an eating disorder." "Carl:" "yeah, but not like us." "We don't eat for 6 months, and then we walk 70 miles, fill our guts till we're super-sized, and then we walk back 70 miles to get laid." "It's sick." "Jimmy: carl, when we get to the water, take a good look at your reflection." "You're a penguin!" "You don't have an eating disorder." "You're a penguin." "We walk, we eat, we get laid." "Carl: i just wish our lives were different." "Jimmy: you make your own happiness, my friend." "I don't think that's entirely true, jimmy." "Jimmy: you don't think your own positive attitude has a lot to do with whether or not the relationships in your life are working?" "Carl: if you accept responsibility for your part of the relationship." "My own positive attitude wasn't enough to keep valerie from leaving me." "Remember?" "Valerie: i'm leaving you, carl." "Why, valerie?" "I thought we were doing so well." "I want a bigger house." "A bigger house?" "What are you talking about?" "We live outdoors." "Your house can't get any bigger." "We just don't want the same things, carl." "Obviously." "You want a bigger house." "That's not even in the realm of reality." "Goodbye, carl." "[Echoing] carl: and the year before her: amanda." "Amanda: i have something to tell you, carl." "I cheated on you." "How?" "We've been standing right next to each other for two months." "While you were sleeping, vittorio came over and... we made love." "But i was standing right here." "That's why it's over, carl." "You didn't even wake up." "Jimmy:" "she had a point." "Carl: and the year before her: esther." "Esther: i can't be with someone who doesn't keep kosher." "All i eat is fish, esther." "What have i eaten that's not kosher?" "Have you eaten squid, or octopus, or shrimp?" "Yes, but i only eat once a year." "You can't begrudge me." "You might as well drive a stake through my heart, carl." "Jimmy: you've been choosing the wrong women, buddy." "Carl: you know, a lot of people peak in high school and then everything after that is downhill." "Well, you just gotta get back to the old carl, the guy i knew when we were younger, the guy who didn't care who he banged night to night." "Oooh!" "I always cared." "Oh, yeah, but now you care too much." "Sorry, buddy, if i don't eat soon, i'm gonna pass out." "You boys ready to block your colons for three months?" "Male: where you lead me, i will go, jimmy." "I have no discernible personality." "I just hope there's sand dabs down there." "Last year, some asshole ate all the sand dabs." "Male: god, i love sand dabs." "They're so good... all succulent, pan-fried with a little butter." "Jimmy: come on, men!" "Let's fill our guts with fish and then get us some... ahhh!" "Male: i'm right on your tail, jimmy!" "I'm starving!" "I'm horny." "I'm sidney!" "[Cheering]" "[¶¶¶] narrator: penguins are fascinating creatures." "They are birds, but cannot fly." "Male: nature really fucked us." "Can't even jerk off." "Narrator: they live in the ocean, but have to come up for air." "Ow!" "Rocks." "Hurt." "Stomach." "Scratch." "Rock." "Raw!" "Bleeding." "Shit." "Ah!" "Why... am... i..." "doing this!" "[¶¶¶] narrator: it's a fun, indulgent few months for them:" "eating whenever they want to, no responsibilities, it's kind of like going to the university of miami." "To get in there, all you need is a 1.8, a six-pack, and a bong." "The more you watch them, the more you realize how beautiful penguins are." "Especially after you see something like... this." "Look at the face on that poor thing." "Not even his own mother could love that." "[Belching] [gurgling] carl: this can't be good for our internal organs." "Jimmy: stop bitching and start gorging, carl." "We are officially underway." "Carl: that's it?" "Aren't we supposed to wait, like, 30 minutes before walking 70 miles?" "You're such a pussy." "Maybe that's why i love you." "God, it was freezing down there, jimmy." "If i had testicles, they'd be up inside my body right now." "If you had testicles, you'd be getting raped by a seal." "No means no." "I don't know what that means." "It's a non sequitur, my friend." "Not everything has to have meaning." "Our lives should." "Ugh!" "Here we go... don't you ever think about anything, jimmy?" "Like why we live here." "We could move to anywhere in the world we wanted to." "Carl, where are we going to move to, and how are we going to get there, burrow?" "It's not like we can go on the internet and find a deal." "This is what we do." "We walk 70 miles for sand dabs." "Male: god, i love sand dabs." "They're so good." "All succulent, pan-fried with a little butter." "I don't know." "We could move to los angeles." "All we do is walk." "Nobody walks in l.a." "new york?" "You'd freeze your ass off in the winter." "Chicago?" "Too windy." "Palm springs?" "I see dead people." "Carl, the problem's not where we live, the problem is what you got going on inside that neurotic little head of yours." "It's hopeless, jimmy." "If i was eaten by a killer seal right now, nobody would even miss me." "Hey, shithead!" "[Smack] ow!" "I would miss you, all of our other friends would miss you too." "Yeah!" "We'd miss you, carl." "You go, girl." "Jimmy: oh, you gotta shake it off, bro." "It's time to get out of your slump." "You're going to meet somebody again." "Maybe even the one." "Carl: yeah, the one of four who leaves me." "Listen, carl, i can really help you find a woman this year, but you've got to help me help you." "You can't be so freakin' needy." "You have to ask yourself, what are you really looking for in a woman?" "Carl: i just want someone who gets me for who i am, not for how much money i have, or for the car that i drive, or for the clothes that i wear, but for who i am inside." "Jimmy: what the fuck are you talking about?" "Carl: it's a monologue for my acting class but it's how i really feel." "[Clapping] excellent scene!" "Very moving!" "I really felt his pain." "Precious!" "[¶¶¶] narrator: meanwhile, back at the mating grounds, the air is colder than a well digger's asshole." "And the female penguins are huddled together, trying to stay warm, waiting for the suitors they've never met." "Female: it'd be nice to meet a guy this year who didn't just want me for my body." "Female: they only want one thing, honey." "Stefan called me frigid 'cause i didn't want to make a baby with him." "Aw, girl, out here we're all frigid." "And he was just playin' you, trying to get you pudding' pie." "Now, forgive me for saying this, but stefan was an asshole." "[Sigh] i know." "Why do i always fall for the assholes?" "Oh, you're young yet, baby." "It's normal." "Trust me, it's part of your feminine education." "And they're always the cute ones." "Oh, now wait a minute, bitch." "Not always!" "Remember when i dated ralph?" "He was an asshole and he was u-gly!" "Why'd you go out with him?" "Well he used to tell me how beautiful i was all the time." "[Chuckle] ralph: vicky, you are the most beautiful woman i've ever seen." "Vicky: [sigh] well, thank you, ralph." "Ralph:" "let's make love with our eyes closed." "Yeah, well that's the only way with you, ralph." "Female: whatever happened to him?" "Vicky: i thought i told you about that." "He got sat on by a walrus." "Smashed his head flat." "He was never the same afterwards." "Oh, my god!" "It didn't kill him?" "Uh-uh..." "not right away." "Girl, he died months later choking on a damn anchovy." "His head was smashed so flat, he couldn't even swallow it!" "Tsk." "Oh, i'm sorry, vicky." "And i didn't think he could get uglier, but damned if he didn't." "I am so ready to meet someone new." "Ugh!" "I'm so fed up with the club scene." "So are baby seals." "I'm serious, vicky." "It takes us months to get ready." "We come to a spa like this one, get all dolled-up, fix our hair, get our nails done, get our eyebrows waxed, and what am i doing it all for?" "The guy i choose is just going to turn out to be another asshole." "Vicky: honey, my mama used to tell me," ""they're all assholes, it's just a matter of which one you want to end up with."" "[¶¶¶] jimmy: you know, i'm so full right now, if i farted, a minnow would pop out of my ass." "Carl: don't try to gross me out, jimmy." "Jimmy: i'd probably eat it too." "Carl: jimmy, stop it or i'll throw up." "Jimmy: i'd probably eat that too." "Carl:" "shut up, will you!" "Jimmy: seriously, carl, i'll eat anything." "I'm like a nanny goat." "That was a good piece of salmon yesterday, wasn't it?" "Why is it all we talk about is the last meal we ate?" "We talk about breakfast during lunch, lunch during dinner, and dinner during breakfast." "Jimmy: that is what we do, my friend." "It's our heritage." "Jimmy: our parents did it, their parents did it, all my bastard children are going to do it." "And you know what?" "Our great- great-grandfathers stood on this very spot 100 years ago, and had this exact same conversation." "Jimmy's grandfather:" "that was a good piece of salmon yesterday, wasn't it?" "Carl's grandfather:" "why is it all we talk about is the last meal we ate?" "[Hacking/coughing] you okay?" "Yeah, excuse me." "I had a bone stuck in my throat." "Carl: that's what i'm saying." "We're not evolving." "There's got to be more to life than food." "We don't eat to live, we live to eat." "Jimmy: we also live for sex." "Male: did someone say "sex"?" "I just show up on cue when i hear that." "Jimmy: uh, hey, sidney." "Hey, guys." "It's exciting, isn't it?" "We're on our way, at the start of our journey to get ourselves some pussy." "Carl: sidney, can i ask you something?" "Sidney: of course, carl." "We're bros." "Carl: well forgive me for asking you this... i've, uh, i've known you for how long now?" "Sidney:" "like, four years." "Right." "Well, the past few mating seasons, i... i didn't see you, uh... you know... hook up with anyone." "And i've always wondered... uh... i-it's obvious what you're asking him." "Just ask the man." "I'm getting to it!" "I... i'm just wondering, sidney, if... well, all this time, and... there's nothing wrong with it, all this time, i just kind of thought that you were... gay." "Sidney:" "gay?" "Are you crazy?" "[Nervous laugh] that's so funny!" "Gay?" "I can't... i am so all about the pussy!" "Well, you certainly cleared up the rumours." "Well, you tell those boys to stop rumouring." "I'm going for a jog, work off some of this dinner." "Ugh!" "I'm so bloated." "All right, i'll see you boys in a few!" "Gay!" "[Laughing] that is so funny!" "Gay!" "[Laughing] jimmy: you know, you can learn something from sidney." "He accepts who he is." "He does?" "Apparently so." "And you, on the other hand, are going through a major mid-life crisis, my friend." "And it's driving me nuts." "Oh, hi, steve." "[¶¶¶] hello, jimmy." "Hello, carl." "Carl:" "oh, hello, steve." "And how... how are we feeling today?" "Carl:" "not so good, steve." "We're on our way to the breeding grounds and i can't stop obsessing over all the negatives of my life, especially my wrong choices in women." "Mm-hmm." "Carl, we... we have the same discussion every season." "What is it that you're looking for in a partner?" "Jimmy: that's what i asked him!" "I'm talking to carl, jimmy." "What is it you want, carl?" "Uh, i don't know." "To have a woman who understands me." "Oh, that's good." "And what is it that you think would help a woman understand you?" "Um... if maybe i understood her?" "Mm-hmm." "And it would help, i guess, if i wasn't so... needy." "I've told him that too!" "And you also keep telling me i need to get laid all the time." "And how does that make you feel, carl?" "Pressured." "Maybe jimmy's just trying to get you out of your rut." "Jimmy:" "exactly!" "That's what i'm trying to do, bro." "I think we've made progress today." "Now... now go with jimmy and the others, and you have a long journey ahead of you." "I'll just bill your insurance." "Okay." "Thanks, steve." "Be good to yourself, and remember:" "when all looks lost, you need to have a physical prescription with you." "Carl: all right." "Remember, boys, wisdom comes from suffering." "Carl:" "who said that?" "Steve:" "my mother!" "Narrator:" "three months have gone by, and now it is march." "And that is just what these little masochists are going to do:" "march, 70 miles back home, to where the women are, to where the ice is thicker, which makes it safer for them to mate and give birth before the approaching polar winter freezes their little buttholes completely shut." "[¶¶¶] all: ouga chaka, ouga chaka, ouga chaka, ouga chaka." "68 miles, 5,279 feet, 68 miles, 5,278 feet, 68 miles... male: i hope you know where you're going, 'cause i'm following you." "[Whistling]" "[¶¶¶] jimmy: you've got to count your blessings, carl." "Not many animals can do 20 hours of cardio a day." "Carl: we're so athletic, and we can't even scratch our own asses." "Jimmy: america's favourite pastime." "Walruses can." "Can what?" "Scratch their own asses." "No they can't, their arms are shorter than ours." "I've seen them do it, and it's not pretty." "I've got an itchy ass." "My ass is so itchy." "Scratching my ass." "Scratching my ass too." "Oh, the humanity!" "Jimmy: i stand corrected." "You starting to feel any better, carl?" "Yeah, a little." "Thanks." "Maybe that girl, debbie, will be there this year." "Jimmy:" "oh, yeah, debbie." "End of last season." "Why didn't you close that?" "Carl: she wouldn't return my calls." "How many times did you call her?" "I don't know, i just kept calling her." "Debbie!" "Debbie!" "Debbie:" "oh, shit." "Debbie!" "Debbie?" "Carl: must have called her ten times." "Jimmy: you called her ten times?" "Yeah." "Bro, that's stalking." "Jimmy: you can't just keep calling a girl." "You call her once, if she doesn't respond, that's it." "I should have disguised my voice." "[Changing voice] hello, debbie, this is not carl." "I'm anybody but carl." "Would you like to go out with me?" "Carl:" "oops!" "Sorry." "Male: who you pushing, motherfucker?" "I didn't do it intentionally." "Are you pushing me just 'cause i'm black?" "Carl:" "uh... no." "I'm black too." "You sayin' we all look alike?" "Uh, no." "I just... you just what?" "Don't make me smack fire out yo ass." "Stand back!" "I just... i... i mean, we're all black, aren't we?" "Jimmy:" "and white." "Male: you want some of this?" "Jimmy: hey, look, he didn't mean anything." "Male: what are you?" "His bitch?" "Carl: no, look, i'm really sorry if i offended you." "Male: offended?" "By you two crackers?" "How about, not give a shit about?" "Aw... come on, man!" "I'm just fuckin' with you." "We're gonna be spending, like, three months together." "I'm marcus." "Carl:" "carl." "Jimmy:" "jimmy." "Always cool to meet another brother." "Marcus: what is that supposed to mean?" "You ain't my brother." "Ahhh-ha!" "I'm just fuckin' with you again!" "You boys are gullible." "I mean, gullible." "Like a gull who's a bull." "Word." "Nothing, huh?" "A'ight." "Let's get goin'." "Can't waste a whole day talkin' this shit." "A day here is like three weeks long, right?" "Exactly." "Yeah." "It certainly is." "Home penguin." "Where's that music we was walking to before?" "[Marching ¶¶¶] turn that shit off!" "[Scratching of record] if we walking 70 miles, the music we walking to had better be slammin', not that philharmonic bullshit." "Let's try that again." "¶ I wanna be okay ¶" "¶ i just want for once ¶" "¶ nothing to worry about ¶ marcus:" "what is this?" "Carl:" "oh, this music?" "Jimmy: yeah, it's by this new young guy i saw in a bar, like, at 2:00 a.m. in the east village." "Do you like it?" "Marcus: [chuckling] it's very good." "I bet he's really nice too." "But you know what?" "I can't walk to that shit!" "Turn that shit off!" "[Scratching of record] jimmy: but my favourite part was coming up." "Marcus: well, we ain't in the east village, homie postromi, we at the asshole of the earth." "And i will walk off this picture if i don't get some good travelling music, you dig?" "¶ Jay, dash, v-o-n ¶ yeah!" "This is what i'm talking about!" "¶ Hey, sexy, come undress me ¶ marcus:" "you feel me?" "Shake that ass." "¶ Hey, sexy, come undress me ¶ bounce!" "¶ I want you next to me ¶ bounce to it." "¶ Give me that ¶ yeah!" "Drop it like it's hot." "And pick it up when it's cold." "[¶¶¶] vicky: i can't wait to find out who the lucky man is, who's going to get some of this hot booty." "Female:" "i swear, vicky, all you ever think about is sex." "No, that's not true." "I think about lots of other things." "Like?" "Okay, like..." "like sardines and fresh shrimp and, um... and... female:" "excuse me!" "Vicky:" "helen." "Why don't that bitch just die?" "Helen:" "someone used my lip gloss." "Female: that's impossible, isn't it?" "Vicky: yes, we don't have lips." "She's bipolar." "Helen: i'm going to find out who did it." "And when i do, i am going to embarrass them publicly." "Female: and then justice will be served." "Helen: you young bitches today don't know anything." "I used to do my whole face completely with free samples and i got a free makeup case." "Vicky: i'll never understand why god takes away good people we love and leaves us with something as rotten and raggedy-asstard as... both:" "helen." "[Chuckling] female:" "and the supreme joke is, she'll find a man and have his baby." "Vicky: mm-hmm." "Now, god help that child." "Probably going to wind up being a nasty bitch just like his mama." "Female:" "i'm nervous to meet a man i'd actually want to have a baby with when all i've ever done is fool around." "Vicky: oh, that's the way it is today." "You know, second base used to mean copping a feel." "Now it's:" ""let me lift it up and say, 'hey to my puddin' pop'."" "Melissa, girl, you'll have no trouble getting a good man." "You're one of the prettiest girls in antarctica." "Melissa: yeah, well i've never met anyone worth having a baby with, though." "Vicky:" "listen to me, girl." "When the right man comes along, you will just know it." "And his touch will be like a lightning bolt through your veins." "Melissa:" "oh, i dream of that day." "[¶¶¶] melissa:" "¶ i walk around ¶" "¶ nowhere to go ¶" "¶ just stand and wait ¶" "¶ in yellow snow ¶" "¶ my heart is full ¶" "¶ yet i'm so low ¶" "¶ but when i find him ¶" "¶ i'll know ¶" "[¶¶¶] carl:" "¶ how can it be ¶" "¶ i love her so ¶" "¶ this girl of mine ¶" "¶ i've yet to know?" "¶" "Jimmy:" "¶ you will my friend ¶" "¶ just take it slow ¶" "¶ 'cause when you find her ¶" "¶ you'll know ¶ melissa:" "¶ so many men ¶" "¶ they want one thing ¶" "¶ to slip it in ¶" "¶ without a ring ¶ jimmy:" "¶ if she's not clean ¶" "¶ it's gonna sting ¶ carl:" "¶ but i love her so ¶ melissa: ¶ a man i do not know ¶" "¶ a girl i've yet to know ¶ melissa  carl:" "¶ we'll try and take it slow ¶" "¶ 'cause when we find them ¶" "¶ we'll know ¶" "sidney:" "¶ yes when i find her ¶" "¶ i'll know ¶" "¶ i'll kno-ow ¶" "[rap ¶¶¶] narrator: after they have travelled for a week or more, they shift from walking upright to body-surfing on their bellies, a transportation method they've been employing for thousands of years." "Jimmy: hey, carl, keep your nose out of my ass." "I've got enough trouble scraping my dick across the ice." "Marcus:" "keep on going, boys." "We've got a long ways to go." "[Farting] all:" "ugh!" "Carl: sorry, it's the anchovies." "They don't agree with me." "Marcus:" "fuck this shit!" "I'm going to the front of the train." "Where the fumes from another penguin's ass won't burn off my eyebrows." "Asshole smelled like eight cans of orca shit." "Males:" "[speaking in french]" "[farting] [accordion ¶¶¶] [rap ¶¶¶]" "carl: so what you're saying is, ask them about themselves." "Jimmy: and listen to their answers." "Don't just nod and think about the next awkward thing you're going to say." "Wait a second." "Everybody, freeze." "Carl: we are." "Jimmy:" "i mean stop moving." "This looks familiar." "Carl:" "oh, my god!" "This is where we started." "Marcus:" "your sense of direction is as good as your digestive system." "Carl: i'm sorry." "I can't tolerate anchovies." "Marcus: thought you guys knew where you were going." "Carl: we've made this journey our whole lives." "Why would all of our instincts be off like this?" "Maybe it's a curse." "Jimmy: but seriously, carl." "Calm down." "Shit happens." "Carl: i don't think you realize the severity of the situation, jimmy." "We're right back where we started from." "Carl, you're having another anxiety attack." "Now, get a hold of yourself before i have to bitch-slap you." "Marcus: i think i need to find me a new posse." "Carl: you almost had me believing i'd meet a woman this year." "Well, that's not going to be possible since we're never going to get there 'cause we're right back where we started from!" "Jimmy: i'm doing this for your own good, man." "Get a hold of yourself!" "We only walked a few miles in a circle." "[Smack] carl: ow!" "Marcus: those are two crazy motherfuckers!" "Carl: thanks, jimmy." "I needed that." "Marcus: so long, crazy motherfuckers!" "See you in bootyville!" "Can you feel me?" "¶ Understand me ¶ 'cause i feel you." "[Rap ¶¶¶] oh-oh-ah!" "To the beat-beat!" "Carl: i really have been a mess, haven't i?" "Steve: carl, it's time to move forward." "[¶¶¶] hello, steve." "Carl, i know how it may feel like you're not going anywhere, but... but if you stay on the path, it doesn't matter how many times you have to start from the beginning." "Jimmy: especially if you're o.c.d." "steve: just stay on the path, carl." "You'll find your way!" "That's $250." "Jimmy: that's got to be the shortest therapy session in history." "Carl:" "i'm confused again." "Jimmy:" "oh, god." "Carl: jimmy, can i tell you something, and promise you won't yell at me?" "Jimmy:" "i'll try." "Carl: sometimes, and this may sound crazy, sometimes, i'm not even sure which one of us is talking." "Jimmy:" "that is crazy." "I'm talking." "Carl: yeah, but which one of us are you?" "Jimmy: i'm standing right next to you." "Carl: on the right or on the left?" "Jimmy:" "holy shit!" "On the right!" "Carl:" "my right, or your right?" "Jimmy: i think you need medication." "Narrator:" "jimmy, sorry to interrupt, but i understand what carl is saying." "Allow me to illustrate." "You are on the right, jimmy." "Poom!" "But you're actually on the audience's right." "Bam." "And you're actually on carl's left." "Pow!" "Get that shit off me!" "Jimmy:" "listen, whoever you are." "We're in the middle of an adventure here." "I don't have time for your little disclaimers, 'cause you stuck me in the middle of a stock footage clusterfuck!" "Narrator: that's no way to talk to me, buddy." "I'm just speaking the truth." "Narrator:" "well, you know what?" "You can't handle the truth, ruth!" "Jimmy:" "you may be right." "I hope you didn't think i meant any disrespect." "Narrator: just don't let it happen again." "Uh, yes, sir." "And, uh... feel free to call me ruth any time you want." "Carl: you shouldn't be giving him shit, jimmy." "This movie was really hard to put together." "Jimmy: great!" "Now you're kissing show-biz ass." "Carl:" "i'm serious." "A writer worked hard on this script." "Ahhh." "Writing is rewriting." "Shit!" "[Thump of laptop] carl: then he had to make calls to get all the talent." "Listen, if you do this picture, i'll give you some back-end." "It's pink and fleshy." "You like that?" "Neh-eh." "Carl: put up the money to pay for the whole thing... all mine." "Carl: do all the accounting so it stays on budget... carry the one, carry the one... carl: and save all the paperwork so everyone got paid." "Fuck 'em." "Jimmy: how'd you learn so much about the movie business?" "[Whistling ¶¶¶] carl: wait." "Isn't that the group?" "Group:" "[whistling] jimmy:" "yeah, it is!" "Uh, sorry." "We'll just continue on our little journey then." "Narrator:" "that's a good idea, jimbo." "[¶¶¶] hey, guys." "It's us." "Wait up!" "Narrator: the hope is that after this detour, they'd be able to find their way back to the others." "But it's too late for some." "The treacherous journey has already affected their minds." "Male: i don't need the rest of those fuckers." "I have found good antarctic skunk weed." "And that skunk weed will help me find the treasure of sierra madre." "It is i, and i alone, juan sanchez, who will make this discovery." "And then, i will be famous!" "Sure, they'll be at home, having sex with all the women, but i don't need no stinkin' women." "Narrator:" "others are simply victims of the ever- changing ecosystem." "Male: shit!" "Where did all the snow go?" "It's fucking global warming!" "This is bullshit!" "Guys, get over here." "Male 1: holy shit!" "There's no snow." "Male 2:" "that's what i'm talking about." "Fucking global warming." "It's bullshit!" "Male 3:" "what's global warming?" "It's what those fuckers in the snowsuits do to the planet to fuck it up for all of us." "Yeah, but if it's warmer, isn't that better for us?" "Yeah, it's better if it suddenly gets warmer and all the ice melts and we got no place to stand 'cause the fucking ground beneath us turned to fucking water." "Don't yell." "You could start an avalanche." "With what?" "There's no fucking snow!" "[Echoing] snow... snow... sidney:" "what was that?" "Jimmy:" "you fart again?" "Carl: no." "Maybe it was you." "I don't fart, that's not how i roll." "I either hold it in or i just take a crap right there." "You should write romance novels." "You know what your problem is?" "You're not proud to be a penguin." ""Proud to be a penguin."" "Why are we even called penguins?" "What does it even mean?" "It's a great name for us." "It's not so on-the-nose." "What would you rather be?" "A ram?" "You know why they're called rams?" "Ram!" "Ram!" "At least they're more mobile than us." "We can't do anything." "I'd rather be a sea lion than a penguin." "You know how many sea lions die young from too much smoking and drinking?" "Sea lions don't smoke." "Then how do you explain that guy we saw at the beach with smoker's cough?" "[Wheezing cough]" "oh, yeah." "And then he drank too much and got sick, remember?" "I shouldn't have mixed all of those shots of booze." "[Retching] trust me." "We're not missing out on anything." "We age better than almost any animal on the planet." "You ever see a turtle when he gets so old he has to use a walker?" "It's not pretty, my friend." "[Groaning]" "you're right, jimmy." "I haven't been appreciative enough." "Now you're getting it." "Narrator: and so the journey continues." "Jimmy: ¶ i'm not sure but this i know ¶ all: ¶ he's not sure but this he knows ¶" "¶ penguin pussy's mighty cold ¶" "¶ penguin pussy's mighty cold ¶ carl: ¶ a classy penguin jimmy's not ¶" "¶ a classy penguin jimmy's not ¶ jimmy:" "¶ carl's right ¶" "¶ 'cause penguin pussy's mighty hot ¶" "¶ 'cause penguin pussy's mighty hot ¶ jimmy:" "¶ shout out ¶" "¶ fuck you ¶" "[¶¶¶] narrator: the sun is setting earlier now." "The weather is getting colder." "And i can't wait to finish recording this shit and go play golf." "The males stop midway through their journey to rest and recuperate." "Old male:" "where's that cabana boy?" "I need new towels!" "Old male: stay the hell away from me." "I've got an itch." "Narrator: sometimes the elements get the best of them." "The older penguins know that it's just a matter of time before they call out... old male:" "i'm freezing my nuts off!" "Narrator: damn." "The cold is making everybody crankier." "You have no idea what i'm going through." "You're in a warm recording studio in l.a." "getting paid tonnes of money." "Narrator:" "not enough." "I'm sure it's a respectable amount." "Narrator:" "not enough." "I don't give a shit 'cause i'm freezing my nuts off!" "Narrator:" "stop complaining." "It's where you chose to live." "Chose?" "Are you an idiot?" "Why would i choose to live in 80-below weather?" "Narrator:" "may i continue?" "How can i stop you?" "You're in sunny california and i'm in antarctica, freezing my nuts off!" "Narrator:" "may i continue?" "Narrator:" "what's wrong?" "I told you, you son of a bitch, and you just kept talking, and i..." "froze my nuts off!" "Narrator:" "those aren't your nuts." "Yes they are." "Narrator:" "you don't have nuts, just some kind of flipper thing you use as a penis." "You know what?" "Fuck you!" "Morgan freeman has more talent than you in just a freckle on his ass." "Narrator:" "thank you!" "Enjoy the polar winter." "It's just starting." "Shouldn't be so rough for you." "You're very old, and you've already frozen your nuts off, or whatever those things were, since penguins don't have nuts." "Fu-u-uck you-u-u!" "Narrator [yelling]: no, fuck you, you old nutless motherfuck... [clearing throat] my bad." "It is sheer instinct that leads them to where they are meant to go." "The route is never the same." "Jimmy: see, carl?" "It is sheer instinct where we are meant to go." "Carl: it's true." "The route is never the same." "Old male:" "i'm freezing my nuts off!" "Carl:" "what was that?" "I don't know, but whoever it is, you can be sure of one thing:" "they're freezing their nuts off." "Males:" "[speaking in french]" "[farting] old male:" "i can't see shit!" "Narrator:" "the days become harsher, the air grows colder." "And what has become of those lost penguin motherfuckers who strayed from their brethren?" "[Guitar ¶¶¶] ¶ i am juan sanchez ¶" "¶ and i climb to the top ¶" "¶ 'cause i've gone fucking nuts ¶" "¶ and my journey will not stop ¶" "¶ i'm a freak of a bird ¶" "¶ i don't know the name of my breed ¶" "¶ and i don't even care ¶" "¶ 'cause i smoked so much skunk weed ¶" "¶ and when i get to the top ¶" "¶ i will jump off the edge ¶" "¶ and my journey will stop ¶" "¶ and i'll never have sex ¶" "¶ and i never will shave ¶" "¶ and i'll never get to be ¶" "¶ some short bitch's whore ¶" "¶ that is me ¶" "¶ juan sanchez is my name ¶ male: i told you not to yell." "A whole side of the mountain came down." "Male: yeah, like, it's my fault the earth is melting." "Just an inconvenient truth, isn't it?" "Somebody needs to tell our government to shove some freezer coils into the fucking ends of the earth before the whole fucking planet turns into fucking jello!" "Narrator: and so, the harshness of nature takes a toll." "The days turn into nights." "And the nights turn into days." "And the days turn into nights." "And then the nights turn into days." "And then the days turn into nights." "And then the nights turn into days." "And then... say it with me now!" "[¶¶¶] jimmy: finally, a good night's sleep, right?" "Now we can move on." "Carl: i've been up all night having a nightmare." "Jimmy:" "about what?" "Carl: [sigh] well... i'm not here." "I mean, i'm not in antarctica." "I'm a prisoner." "I don't know where, but... i'm in some kind of enclosure." "And i'm trapped and people are ridiculing me." "Girl:" "look at the short, stupid-looking penguin, daddy." "Man: he's a funny- looking bastard, ain't he, sweetheart?" "Carl:" "it was hell on earth." "Jimmy: wow." "Lucky for us that kind of place doesn't exist." "You're just sleep-deprived." "Come on, carl." "Let's get to the sex." "Jimmy, i think you have a sexual obsession." "No i don't." "You know who has a sexual obsession?" "Jimmy: a monkey." "A monkey'll bang anything." "At first, it looks like they're just playing, right?" "Like this guy who just wanted to get some milk out of a coconut." "He wanted to crack a hole in it but not just to get the milk out." "Carl:" "that's nuts." "Jimmy:" "yeah." "Coco-nuts." "Jimmy: never saw that on "survivor island", did you, bro?" "Keep moving, homie." "We're going to get you a woman." "Sidney: ¶ and when we're done with you ¶" "¶ we're gonna get me one of those ¶" "¶ too ¶" "¶ i'm sidney ¶" "[¶¶¶] narrator: back at the mating grounds, the females can sense their men are nearing the end of their journey." "They wait with selfless anticipation." "[Club ¶¶¶] helen: if a guy even looks at me the wrong way, i'm going to peck his eyes out." "Vicky: well, they'll be lining up for you, helen." "And as soon as they see you, whoo, they'll thank the lord you pecked their eyes out." "Helen: we'll see who finds a man, and who doesn't, bitch." "Melissa: has she ever held on to a man?" "Vicky:" "only by the throat." "Well, she had a husband once." "What happened?" "She pecked his eyes out." "That bitch wasn't kidding." "Female 1:" "this party is going to be so hot." "Female 2:" "i heard the after- party is hotter." "[Giggling] there's an after- party after that, that i hear is way hotter than the party or the after-party." "Yeah, but then i heard there's a v.i.p after-party for the after- party's v.i.p.s after the other after-parties." "[Mixed giggling] melissa:" "who are they?" "Vicky: oh, that's the hilton penguins." "They're sweet girls, but you know, they all about the party." "Seems like you're looking for something more real, melissa." "I think i am." "Helen: who's been using my sanitary napkins?" "[¶¶¶] sidney: jimmy, can we play it one more time?" "Jimmy: all right." "Rock, paper, scissors." "Carl: why do you guys keep playing this?" "We have no hands!" "With us, it's paper, paper, paper." "Jimmy: all right, it's riddle time." "Sidney: oh, i love riddles!" "Aw, these are road games, carl." "Play along." "What's black and white, and red on the inside?" "Carl:" "a newspaper?" "Jimmy:" "no, keep guessing." "Carl:" "come on, man!" "Sidney:" "a zebra?" "Jimmy:" "n-no." "Sidney:" "a soccer ball?" "Jimmy:" "no." "Sidney:" "nuns." "Jimmy:" "no." "Sidney:" "a zebra?" "Jimmy:" "you said that." "Sidney:" "the black eyed peas?" "Jimmy:" "no." "Sidney: a delicious hot-fudge sundae with a cherry on the top?" "Jimmy:" "nope." "Carl:" "marcus?" "Jimmy:" "no, carl." "Carl: no." "I mean, is that... marcus?" "Jimmy:" "what?" "That's marcus?" "I think so." "Jimmy: no, i don't think it's him." "Carl:" "i think it is him." "This is all my fault, jimmy." "If i hadn't eaten those anchovies, i wouldn't have farted in his face and he wouldn't have gone ahead without us." "I'm telling you..." "ow!" "It's not marcus." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Stop it, jimmy!" "Now chill the fuck out!" "Marcus: what the fuck are you two motherfuckers freakin' about?" "Jimmy  carl:" "marcus!" "Marcus: yes, that would be me." "Who the fuck is that?" "Carl:" "uh, i don't know." "Uh, i thought... jimmy: uh, carl's been going through a sensitive time." "I was just worried that you had... marcus: had what?" "Fallen on my face?" "Dropped dead of a heart attack?" "Tripped over my dick?" "Carl: uh, no." "I'm just glad you're okay, marcus." "Marcus: oh, gee, that's nice, carl." "Now get your head out of my ass, you "brokeback mountain" bitch." "Sorry." "Marcus: i'm just fuckin' with you again." "Jimmy: that was funny what you said about tripping over your own dick." "Marcus:" "oh, that wasn't a joke." "I am truly blessed." "I'm not one to brag, but my dick's not as shy as i am." "I don't show this to everybody, but since you're all so glad to see me and all, feast your eyes on this:" "[unzipping of pants] [thud]" "i am the first penguin in history who can touch his toes... with his dick." "Carl: that's, uh... that's very impressive." "I'm sure women find it adorable." "Marcus: your woman last year didn't seem to mind it." "Aw, come on!" "I'm just fuckin' with you again." "And if i had taken a shot at your ladies from last year, they definitely wouldn't be able to walk this year, especially after being ravaged by my... gigantic penguin cock!" "Carl: i believe that's an oxymoron." "Marcus:" "whatever it is, it's brought happiness to the faces of millions." "And it's kept the tops of my toes warm through many a lonely winter." "Well, good to see you, boys." "You too." "You too." "See you on the inside, gentlemen." "And i do mean "on the inside"." "Ooow!" "Can you feel me?" "[Rap ¶¶¶] 'cause i feel you." "[¶¶¶] jimmy:" "uh-oh." "Carl:" "what now?" "You boys are going the wrong way." "Carl: no, i... i believe the, uh... breeding grounds are straight ahead." "The road's closed." "Doesn't look closed." "He says the road don't look closed, mumford." "So he does." "Look over there, city slicker." "That wasn't there a second ago." "I suggest you take the detour, unless you want us to eat you all." "Carl:" "you can't just eat us all." "Jimmy:" "oh yes they can, carl." "They can eat us all." "It's definitely do-able." "Carl:" "you're not good guys." "Oooh, that stings." "If i wasn't an evil predator, i'd be hurt." "Now get off our land, greenhorns." "Carl:" "this isn't fair." "Jimmy:" "life isn't fair sometimes." "I hope this doesn't take us too far off the path." "[Surfing ¶¶¶] all:" "[grunting]" "whoooah!" "Ahh-huh!" "Oh me!" "All:" "hot, hot, hot, hot!" "Ahhh!" "Gaaa!" "Wa-ah!" "Seals!" "Fuck!" "[¶¶¶] narrator: the men have travelled 70 miles to reach this moment:" "the entrance to the mating grounds." "Carl: you know, i think it'd have been easier getting eaten by that gang of seals." "Jimmy: it's over, we made it." "Stop bitching." "Come on, boys!" "Let's make our grand entrance." "Pssst!" "Hey!" "What?" "Any of you guys want to buy some tickets?" "I've got front-row centre." "Carl:" "tickets for what?" "There's no cover to this thing." "How about a watch?" "You want to buy a watch?" "Carl: we don't have wrists." "Tequila shots, smoke, flake," ""penguins gone wild" dvds?" "They're real college girls doing things their dads would not be happy about." "Ha-ha." "Carl:" "go away." "Okay." "Jimmy:" "you know, carl, i think you're starting to get your power back." "Excuse me." "I can't let you pass." "Carl:" "who are you?" "I am a walrus." "[Hacking cough] carl: sir, we just walked 70 miles to get here." "We can't turn back now." "Do you know the password?" "No one said anything about a password." "Do you know "the da vinci code"?" "Jimmy: i read the first 30 and couldn't get into it." "That's the password!" "Go right on through." "Carl: jimmy, how'd you read a copy of "the da vinci code"?" "Jimmy: i didn't." "Books on tape." "[Mixed chatter]" "[¶¶¶] narrator: all of these penguins have converged upon the same spot where they were born." "The large ice walls protect them from the cold, high winds, and the thick ice beneath their feet keep their newborns from being sucked into the icy waters below." "Everything has built up to this." "Jimmy:" "hello, ladies!" "Melissa: oh god, here they come." "Vicky: how do i look?" "You look hot." "I do?" "Oh, thanks, baby." "Oh, now... he's cute." "Male:" "ow!" "Melissa:" "nah, too short." "Vicky:" "how about that one?" "Melissa:" "no, too fat." "Vicky: oooh, well, look at the butt on that one!" "Come here, baby." "Wait... ew, don't." "Too late." "Jimmy:" "hello, girls." "I'm jimmy, and this is my buddy, carl." "Carl:" "hi." "Hi, i'm vicky." "Hi." "Melissa." "¶ I'd give up forever to touch you ¶" "¶ 'cause i know that you feel me somehow ¶ jimmy:" "hey, carl, uh... why don't you tell the ladies about our run-in with that gang of leopard seals?" "Carl?" "¶ You're the closest to heaven ¶" "¶ that i'll ever be ¶" "¶ and i don't want to go home right now ¶ melissa:" "you okay?" "Carl:" "sorry." "I was just admiring your... my what?" "Uh... your... your... your... vicky:" "her what?" "You're, uh... closest to heaven that i'll ever be and i don't want to go home right now?" "Melissa: that's from a song, isn't it?" "Jimmy:" "it is?" "Vicky: uh, come on, melissa." "We told helen we'd meet at the bar, remember?" "We did?" "Yes." "Well, it was nice talking to you guys." "Maybe we'll, uh..." "see you later." "Carl:" "okay." "Melissa:" "bye." "Carl:" "bye." "Vicky:" "[chuckling] you think that guy likes you?" "God, i thought he was having a heart attack." "Jimmy: i've never seen anyone cock-block themselves quicker than what i just witnessed." "She's the most beautiful girl i've ever seen." "And she's gone... to be with anyone but you, because you just acted like a groupie on acid." "But i think i can still salvage this." "You do?" "Carl, i'm your best friend." "You were depressed for 70 miles, and yet here you are, with a crush on the first girl you meet?" "It's a miracle." "I don't think it's just a crush." "I think i've already fallen in love with her." "You told me, when i find her i'll know." "Well, i know, jimmy." "It's love." "Love?" "Narrator:" "yes, jimmy." "Love." "In fact, the whole reason the penguins make this journey is for love." "Yes, perhaps the love of the mating ritual itself, but that is somehow intrinsic to every species." "Panda: except maybe very religious ones, stricter cultures with the ability to reason like some humans, only see sex as a means to procreation." "Narrator:" "who are you?" "I am sheila." "I've had five husbands and four children." "One of my husbands fired blanks." "Narrator:" "sorry." "It's okay." "It happens." "So i think you raised an interesting point with your theory of animal love." "I was in love twice." "In love with two of my five... narrator:" "that's nice to hear." "But none of them made me cum like my herbie." "Narrator:" "thank you, sheila." "No, wait!" "This is my moment!" "Tell all those dirty little bastards sitting in the theatre all watching this on a bootleg dvd what life's about!" "Narrator: we have to get back to our story." "I'll give ya a fucking story!" "I've got more lines around my uterus than you have on your resume." "Narrator: it's time for you to say goodbye, sheila." "The mating ritual is about to begin." "Wait!" "Narrator: i am so sorry you had to see that." "Sorry you have to see this too." "Male: keep doing it, baby." "Daddy likes that." "Mmm!" "Naughty, naughty, naughty girl!" "Male: you know, i've never been with two ladies before." "You two like a little piece of this action?" "Female: no, thanks." "He is kind of cute though, isn't he?" "Male: hey, i'm just fine with the one of ya." "Female: ew!" "He's so gross and so old." "I think i need a z-pack." "Male: yeah, they're all bitches." "Male: i love the ice sculpture by the bar." "[¶¶¶] male: hey, i'm bragging i promoted this whole thing." "This party's really going off." "Male:" "come on!" "Who wants to fuck the sensitive guy?" "Marcus:" "well, hell-lo!" "Carl: hey, marcus." "What's up?" "Marcus: now this is what i'm talking about!" "Jimmy: it's like hedonism and spring-fling had a kid!" "Carl: it reminds me of the sex scenes in "eyes wide shut"." "You guys see that movie?" "Marcus:" "fuck this shit." "I didn't come here just to watch." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "[¶¶¶] well, hell-lo!" "Vicky:" "well, hell-lo!" "I'm marcus." "I'm vicky." "Marcus:" "and you are?" "Melissa:" "leaving." "Vicky:" "staying." "Marcus:" "ooh, holla." "Vicky: now, what do you have in mind, marcus?" "I'm proud to show you, vicky." "Objects speak louder than words." "[Unzipping] [thud] that?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that..." "that's gonna hurt." "It didn't hurt my woman last year." "May she rest in peace." "Oh!" "Naw, i'm just fuckin' with you." "Vicky:" "[chuckling] you're funny." "Jimmy:" "holy shit." "That marcus is good." "Carl: yeah." "And he's got subtle foreplay skills." "Vicky:" "yes, mar!" "Oh!" "Yes, indeed!" "You better work it, boy!" "You're so bossy." "Oh, marcus!" "Ooh." "Stand on me!" "Mm-mm." "Yes, marcus." "Look at that technique." "I don't know how she tolerates that thing." "Let's make some eggs together, girl." "They certainly hit it off." "Poor girl's going to be walking to the left the rest of her life." "Jimmy, you see where melissa went?" "Jimmy:" "let's go find her, bro." "I got a plan." "[¶¶¶] narrator:" "when chemistry happens, there's no fighting it." "The ones who are meant to be together somehow get to hook up." "Male: ah, sure is nice to meet a girl in person." "I mean, i... i don't..." "i don't know." "I usually just meet people online." "Female:" "what's "online"?" "Male: it's, uh, where a bunch of men and women who are afraid to ever meet face-to-face stay up all hours of the night chatting with people they don't know 'cause it feels safer than actually having to talk to them in... in person." "I'm late for my friends." "Nice talking to you." "Mmm." "Is it 'cause my breath smells like ass?" "Male: uh, hi?" "Hi." "Hi there." "Uh, i know you probably think i'm disgusting but, well, we have to mate with someone and... and i thought maybe, you'd want to hook up for this season and have my baby." "Female: oh yeah, you're perfect for me." "Male:" "i am?" "I've been looking for an insecure asexual guy whose low self-esteem far outweighs the complete lack of sexual attraction i have for him." "Sweet!" "Male: hey, can i join one of your twosomes there?" "No." "No." "Ah." "Do you mind if i just stand here and... urinate all over the four of you?" "Male: oh, keep doing it, baby." "Do it for daddy." "[Whistling of wind]" "narrator: the females are truly starving." "As soon as the mating ritual is over they get to make the same long journey as the males did, to the ocean where they will finally get to feed." "But for now, it is time to mate." "Male: hi." "Hey, what's your name?" "[¶¶¶] melissa." "My name's jamie." "And i don't play games." "I like to be honest and up front." "Do you want to do it?" "Melissa:" "that is so gross." "Ooh, you're honest and up front too." "Ooh, i like that." "Melissa:" "you're disgusting." "Excuse me." "Hey, where you going?" "Hi." "My name's jamie and i don't play games." "I like to be honest and up front." "[¶¶¶] carl: i don't see melissa anywhere." "Jimmy:" "we'll find her." "10,000 penguins here and they're all a bunch of sickos." "Male:" "say my name." "Say my name, bitch." "Look me in the eye." "Who's your daddy?" "Say my name!" "Female:" "okay, melvin!" "Oh, yeah!" "Say my name!" "Melvin!" "Oh, yeah!" "Say it!" "Female:" "melvi-in!" "Jimmy:" "takes all kinds." "Wow, look at those two cartoon characters go at it." "They don't even look real." "Male:" "all that time at sea i've been dreaming about this moment." "Female:" "i'm not in the mood." "Your sister was in the mood." "I'm gonna go see her." "Carl: whatever happened to romance?" "Whatever happened to dinner and a movie?" "Jimmy: everybody in the world is having sex but us." "That's an exaggeration." "Jimmy:" "no, it isn't." "Look." "¶ You and me, baby ¶" "¶ ain't nothin' but mammals ¶" "¶ so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel ¶" "¶ you and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals ¶" "¶ so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel ¶ gettin' horny now." "Get your ass off me!" "Sidney: i've got to find out who their event planner is!" "[¶¶¶] carl:" "wait, jimmy." "That..." "that's melissa." "What do i do?" "Let me handle this." "I may not get laid myself but i'm the best wingman alive." "[¶¶¶] hey, uh, melissa, right?" "Melissa:" "uh-huh." "Uh, jimmy, is it?" "Jimmy:" "uh, yeah." "Your friend vicky went off with our friend marcus." "Melissa:" "yes, she did." "Jimmy: uh, look, my friend carl over there... he may have come off like a complete idiot before, but it's..." "it's 'cause, well, he didn't know what to say to you." "Melissa: well, tell him that i understand." "And i don't want to hurt his feelings or anything but i'm not really looking for a partner right now." "Jimmy:" "oh." "Okay." "I'll relay the message." "Will you wait right here?" "Melissa:" "uh... okay." "[¶¶¶] [panting] she says she understands and doesn't want to hurt your feelings but she's not really looking for a partner right now." "Carl:" "oh, god." "Well... okay." "Would you tell her that i wasn't looking for a partner either but then, when i saw her, it felt like a lightning bolt was going through my veins." "I'm not going to tell her that!" "It doesn't matter, jimmy!" "I probably already lost her." "I might as well tell her what i really feel." "Okay, okay i'll tell her that." "It's gonna sound fruity." "[Panting] i can't wait till we get instant messaging down here." "Melissa, carl told me to tell you he wasn't looking for a partner either but then, when he saw you, it felt like a lightning bolt was going through his veins." "That's... that's what he wanted me to tell you." "Now i will leave." "Melissa:" "wait." "He said that?" "Jimmy:" "yeah." "Melissa: i..." "i mean the part about the lightning bolt?" "Jimmy: yeah, he should write greeting cards, shouldn't he?" "Melissa:" "thank you, jimmy." "[¶¶¶] jimmy:" "what did i say?" "Melissa:" "hi." "Carl:" "hi." "Did you feel that?" "Carl:" "the second i saw you." "Melissa: you wanna go for a walk, carl?" "Carl: i'm a penguin." "I can always go for a walk." "[Giggling] come on, silly." "[¶¶¶] jimmy:" "damn, i'm good." "Narrator: some of the lucky ones have found true love." "Carl: i can't believe you've chosen me." "Melissa: you've chosen me too, silly." "You're nothing like the other girls." "How am i different?" "Well, you..." "you've got a little dot or mark or something under your left eye there." "I've never seen anything like it before." "[Giggling] you know exactly how to get to me." "I do?" "[Giggle]" "[¶¶¶] oh, melissa." "Ahhh." "[Moaning] mmm." "Ohhh." "Oh, carl." "Oh." "Oh, my god, that feels so good." "What?" "What, you mean these circular motions?" "Yes!" "Do that!" "Don't... don't stop." "Just do that!" "How about if i do that too?" "Oh, my god, that's amazing!" "I want to have your baby!" "Okay." "Oh-h-ho!" "Was that it?" "Carl:" "uh, yeah." "But i can't wait to do it again, next year." "Melissa: i want it to be with you." "Carl:" "i want that too." "I love you, melissa." "Oh." "I love you too, carl." "[¶¶¶] narrator: most of them have now chosen a mate." "They will stay with that mate almost a year, as their ancestors did before them." "But for now, they will play a waiting game in hopes that their communion can create... the egg." "But not all of them will find a partner." "Jimmy: i can't believe i've come up dry this year." "I've got to sink my battleship or my stored-up love juices are going to explode out of my pooter." "[Chirping of crickets]" "everybody got box but me." "I gotta bang something." "I don't care what." "Pussy, pussy everywhere and not a bit for me." "I know it's out there." "[Whispering] i can smell it." "[Thump of impact] ow!" "What was that?" "Male: hey!" "Watch it, buddy!" "That's my ass!" "Jimmy:" "sorry, i can't see shit." "[Thump of impact] oh, excuse me." "Ow." "Hmm... what's that?" "Yeah, that feels soft." "Whoa, damn!" "Oh, god!" "Ohhh, oh, my god!" "I can't control myself!" "Whoo!" "Oh!" "Ahhhhh." "Better get the fuck out of here." "[Chirping of crickets]" "melissa: carl, i thought you wanted to wait another year to do it." "Carl:" "what?" "Huh?" "Do what?" "Why did you wake me, honey?" "Don't joke about this, carl." "We just had sex again." "This time it was... oh, it was dirtier somehow." "Melissa, i'm serious, we did not have sex." "I was sound asleep." "Both:" "[screaming] [chirping of bird] carl: i feel so violated." "Melissa: you feel violated?" "Yes." "I'm a part of you now." "Well, a part of you was not in me last night." "Jimmy:" "hey, guys." "Weird night last night." "Carl: tell us about it." "Well, i was walking around in the dark, almost sleepwalking... melissa: when carl said "tell us about it"" "i think he meant we had a weird night too." "Jimmy: oh, it couldn't have been as weird as mine." "I mean i was just walking around pissed off everybody had a woman but me." "Oh, and congrats, by the way on you two becoming a couple." "Carl: thanks." "Melissa: thanks." "Jimmy:" "so i'm walking around and i realise i've got like a full wood going on and that was embarrassing 'cause i kind of bump into this guy." "Then i somehow stumble upon what had to be a hot girl." "'Cause she smelled good and was so warm and all." "But it was like in a millisecond, i was suddenly, accidentally just... wh... in her." "Well, forgive me for saying this, but it was hot!" "I mean, what's the big deal?" "We are penguins, right?" "Wild creatures fighting for our lives in the harshest spot on earth." "Melissa:" "oh, my god!" "Jimmy:" "m-melissa, what?" "Melissa:" "oh, my god!" "Jimmy:" "what?" "Melissa: god!" "Carl:" "last night, melissa thought that we had... oh, my god!" "Done it again." "But... i was sound asleep!" "Oh, my god!" "But someone had... oh, my god!" "Done it to melissa." "Jimmy: oh, you don't think it was her?" "That i... no!" "That would be... no!" "I mean, no!" "Wait... wait a second!" "Let..." "let me just see something." "[Sniffing] no!" "I mean, no!" "Wait!" "Carl: this is my worst nightmare." "You were my best friend." "Jimmy: carl, i am your best friend." "We just, uh... we... we had a little mix-up is all." "Carl:" "a little mix-up?" "Melissa:" "calm down, carl." "It doesn't help anything." "Carl:" "this is horrible." "Now when the egg comes out we won't know if it's my baby or his." "Melissa:" "it's yours, carl." "Carl: but we can't be sure of that." "What if the baby looks just like jimmy and not me?" "What if it's his baby?" "Melissa: no!" "It can't be his baby!" "Carl:" "yes, it can!" "I fell in love with you and now you're going to have jimmy's baby." "Melissa: i can't have jimmy's baby 'cause we didn't do it in the regular way, okay!" "[Stopping of ¶¶¶]" "[¶¶¶] narrator: a nine-week gestation period is upon them." "Melissa: it wasn't intentional." "It was late, he was desperate." "Carl: i can't believe you're making excuses for him." "Melissa: i still think that you need to forgive him." "Carl:" "i can't." "He was in your butt." "Melissa:" "yeah." "I remember." "Carl: i'm upset on so many levels with this, melissa." "Melissa:" "well, i am too, carl." "Carl: i think i'm going to go for a walk." "Melissa: that's a good idea, carl." "You can always go for a walk." "[¶¶¶] carl: ¶ we were the best of friends ¶" "¶ and then he came up from behind ¶" "¶ and turned my life around ¶" "¶ and she didn't seem to mind ¶" "¶ i know deep down she loves me ¶" "¶ even though inside he slid ¶ it hurts... ¶ 'cause he loved her in a way i never did ¶" "¶ oh, yes he loved her ¶" "¶ in a way i never did ¶" "¶ why ¶" "¶ can't i try ¶" "¶ to let it die?" "¶" "¶ He's just a guy ¶" "¶ and i ¶" "¶ cannot deny ¶" "¶ that i'll only have her ¶" "¶ from the other side ¶" "¶ oh, god he loved her ¶" "¶ but he's not her lover ¶" "¶ that would be me ¶" "¶ i must forget he ever loved her ¶" "¶ he didn't really love her ¶" "¶ he just kind of plugged her ¶" "¶ in a way i never did ¶" "¶ did ¶ [applause]" "narrator: the difficulties they have gone through together makes the male even more pussy-whipped than he was before." "Carl: melissa, i've given it a lot of thought." "I know what jimmy did was an accident." "I'm sorry i was so self-absorbed especially at such a poignant moment in our lives." "Melissa: [panting] i forgive you, carl." "Can you..." "can you just hold on for one second?" "Hoo, hoo, hee." "Hoo, hoo, hee." "Oh, oh, ah!" "Ah, oh!" "Oh, my god that frickin' hurt." "Say hello to your new baby, carl." "Carl:" "hello." "He's so cute and round." "Melissa: uh, that's just the egg." "Carl:" "i know that." "Melissa:" "think fast, carl." "Female voice: [on speaker] and beckham scores!" "[Cheering] narrator: the egg must be kept warm." "The father stuffs that egg up inside his nutless sack for more than two months." "It is during this time that the mother must make her journey to the ocean to feed before she dies of starvation." "The female penguins are incredibly strong." "They've not eaten in many months, they've just given birth, and now they also have to walk 70 miles to the ocean in order to survive." "Vicky: [singing] ¶ i'm not sure but this i know ¶ all: ¶ she's not sure but this she knows ¶" "¶ penguin dicks get mighty old ¶" "¶ penguin dicks get mighty old ¶" "¶ 70 miles on these tiny legs ¶" "¶ 70 miles on these tiny legs ¶" "¶ while our bitches stay home sittin' on our eggs ¶" "¶ while our bitches stay home sittin' on our eggs ¶" "¶ shout out ¶" "¶ fuck them ¶" "[¶¶¶] carl: it's not the most comfortable thing sitting on an egg, huh?" "Marcus: it'd be a lot more comfortable if i wasn't sittin' on my dick too." "Jimmy:" "hi, marcus." "Carl." "Marcus: hey, jimmy!" "How's it hangin'?" "Jimmy: carl, i feel terrible about what happened." "I don't know what to do or say anymore." "Carl: you're my best friend, jimmy." "I don't want to lose you." "I know what you did was an accident." "Jimmy: all i've wanted was your forgiveness, man." "If it's any consolation i've been all alone." "Carl:" "well, not any more." "You've got me and melissa and you're going to be an uncle." "Marcus:" "this is so nice!" "This makes me so happy!" "It takes a big man to forgive his friend after he... busts his woman's booty hole open." "[¶¶¶] narrator: 70 miles and three months later the women have arrived at their much- awaited dining spot." "The problem is, the hole in the ice is frozen over." "Vicky:" "hey, helen." "Why don't you just stand on that thin patch of ice there and make a nice hole for all of us to dive into." "Helen:" "you know what?" "I will." "Helen:" "now, if you excuse me, i'm going to be the first to dine." "[Gasp] seal:" "mmm!" "Helen:" "oh!" "Oh, no!" "Seal:" "mmm, come here, baby!" "Helen:" "oh... oh, my god!" "Seal: come now, dirty rotten penguin." "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Ah!" "Penguins:" "[screaming] helen: he got me in the ass!" "Seal: this penguin's delish... female: well, she shouldn't have went out there." "Seal:" "oh, oh, mmm." "Is there coffee?" "Narrator:" "it's a sad moment knowing that this mother's baby will not be fed because she will not be making the journey home." "Seal: mmm!" "Narrator: but then again, she was such a bitch." "Kid's probably better off." "Vicky: we need a moment of silence please, for the loss of our sister, helen." "A'ight, let's eat." "[Mixed chatter]" "[¶¶¶] narrator: the male has gone over 125 days without food." "But food is the last thing on his mind the moment his child is born." "[¶¶¶] and then... out of the mouth of babes comes:" "chick:" "fu-uck!" "Narrator: through an inexplicable instinctual link, the mothers know they have got to get home now." "And that beautiful day comes when the family is united for the very first time." "Vicky:" "marcus!" "Marcus:" "baby!" "[¶¶¶] vicky:" "oh, marcus." "She's so cute." "Oh, and look." "She has your penis." "Marcus:" "what?" "Vicky:" "oh, marcus." "I'm just fuckin' with you." "Carl:" "melissa!" "Melissa:" "carl!" "Oh, my god!" "Chick:" "fuck!" "Look, it's a boy, honey." "Chick: fuck, fuck, fuck!" "Melissa:" "oh, carl." "He has your neurotic glare." "Aw, hi there little neurotic-looking baby." "Aw." "[Chuckling]" "[¶¶¶] jimmy:" "hi, guys." "Carl:" "hi, jimmy." "Melissa:" "hey, jimmy." "It's uncle jimmy now." "Melissa:" "oh, carl." "This makes me so happy." "I'd do a little happy dance if my feet weren't covered in bloody blisters." "[Laughing]" "[¶¶¶] narrator:" "with feeding the babies grow incredibly fast." "Chick: i shouldn't have had that fourth piece of herring." "[Sigh] narrator: the babies are up and almost ready to move on except for the few who may have a learning disability." "Chick: i shouldn't have had that fourth piece of herring." "[Sigh]" "[¶¶¶] narrator: and so our story comes to an end." "The big question is do penguins stay together?" "Are they monogamous?" "Marcus:" "that's it, vicky." "It's time for me to move on." "You're too strong for me, baby." "Vicky: get your ass over here, marcus." "Now i didn't go through all that to have you go back out there and start fucking everything that doesn't move." "Narrator: the answer is, in reality, they do not stay together." "But this is not reality." "This is a farce." "The farce of the penguins." "Juan sanchez:" "i made it!" "Juan sanchez is at the top of the mountain!" "I am so stinky and dirty, i am one dirty sanchez!" "I am the king of the world!" "I'm the king of the world!" "A-ah!" "I am one dirty sanchez!" "Male: fucking global warming!" "My god, they went and did it!" "Damn you all!" "Damn you!" "[Echoing] narrator:" "hold on, hold on, hold on." "We cannot end a love story like that." "[¶¶¶] carl:" "¶ i finally found the one ¶ melissa: ¶ and you're the one, it's understead ¶ both:" "¶ because i love you ¶" "¶ in a way i never did ¶ melissa:" "¶ it's exit only ¶ both:" "¶ oh, yes, i love you ¶" "¶ in a way i never did ¶" "¶ did ¶" "[¶¶¶] man:" "jay dash v-o-n." "[¶¶¶] male: you guys made $100,000,000 on that movie and we didn't see shit." "[¶¶¶]" "¶ yeah, let's go ¶ jimmy: it was a pretty dry season for me, sidney." "I mean, i had a woman accidentally but she wasn't mine." "She was my best friend's girl." "That's something i'm proud of." "Maybe i'll meet somebody." "One day." "Sidney:" "¶ and when you find him ¶" "¶ you'll know ¶ there, i said it." "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at?" "¶" "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come and give me that ¶" "¶ lil' mama, get on top ¶" "¶ it's where i am at ¶" "¶ plus i got the flow on lock ¶" "¶ know you want to act out 'cause ya man home ¶" "¶ but ya boy here and you don't wanna be alone ¶" "¶ and i'm in the zone ¶" "¶ you a figure eight ¶" "¶ forget your homegirl ¶" "¶ all she gonna do is hate and debate ¶" "¶ we in the place, get next to me ¶" "¶ you sexy, you need to undress with me ¶" "¶ hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at ¶" "¶ hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come and gimme that ¶" "¶ hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at?" "¶" "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come on, gimme that ¶" "¶ come over here, shorty pass the yak ¶" "¶ vip status and the flow intact ¶" "¶ it's a wrap, it's where i'm at ¶" "¶ jay dash to the v-o-n. ¶" "¶ I'm the one with the flow like neo ¶" "¶ get stuck with us, know how we roll ¶" "¶ diverse, you can speak german or creole ¶" "¶ it's my reign, and i claim to be the best ¶" "¶ so take off your shirt, and lift up your dress ¶" "¶ yes, get all my stress relieved ¶" "¶ you sexy, you need to undress with me ¶" "¶ hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at?" "¶" "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come and gimme that ¶" "¶ hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at?" "¶" "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come and gimme that ¶" "¶ g's up where the kitties in here ¶" "¶ what up, and we'll bring a lot of problems in here ¶" "¶ and we up, competition wanna see me stopped ¶" "¶ but we on top, jay and muff will not stop ¶" "¶ right?" "And on the mic ¶" "¶ i'ma tell you how to do it ¶" "¶ 'cause i don't really dance ¶" "¶ but you know i spit fluid ¶" "¶ what, what, and everybody giving me dap ¶" "¶ and the club contact, i just counter it back ¶" "¶ it's a wrap ¶" "¶ hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at?" "¶" "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come and gimme that ¶" "[¶¶¶] male: hey, asshole." "My eyes are up here." "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at?" "¶" "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come and gimme that ¶" "¶ hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ where the kitty at?" "¶" "¶ Hey sexy, come undress me ¶" "¶ i want you next to me ¶" "¶ come and gimme that ¶" "[¶¶¶]" "[¶¶¶]" "[whistling]" "[screaming] i'm sidney!"