"Come in I'll put the telly on" "Do you want a cup of tea?" " Oh can I have a coffee?" "Aye" "What are you doing?" "Hanging my coat up" "Oh Les" "Oh leave it alone" "It'll get all crumpled" "It doesn't matter" "Hey is the lift always that slow?" "That one is, it goes in fits and starts" "Sometimes you press it to go up and it goes down" "Ooh that sounds dangerous" "The other one's really fast though it's like being in a rocket" "Did you see that alcove in that one we came up in?" "Yeah - You know what that's for?" "No - For taking coffins down" "Oh it's not - It is, honest" "Are you sure?" "Yeah" "They need the extra space" "Oh I think that's really creepy" "I'm going to go down by the stairs when we leave" "You can't walk down all them stairs it'll take you hours" " Have you got an ashtray?" " I don't know" "There's probably one on the sideboard" "I don't know how they can do it" "They just take all their clothes off" "When you think about it though" "Everybody's naked aren't they really?" "No they're not they've got clothes on - Yeah but underneath their clothes" "I mean you're not born with clothes on, are you?" "Babies are different" "It would be funny if you were born with clothes on wouldn't it?" "Look at her" "I couldn't be a nudist could you?" "Could I heck" "Are you watching this?" "No" "Neither am I" "Shall we switch it off then?" "Yeah" "Are you sure you didn't want to watch anything else?" "Positive" "Are you comfy?" "Kettle isn't boiling is it?" " No it won't be yet" "No" "That'll be our Yvonne" "Hello" "Hiya sexy" "Hello love" "Hello - How are you?" "Alright, and you?" " A bit buggered" "I've put kettle on" "Wonders never cease" "We've only just got in" "Haven't you got van tonight then Les?" "No they wouldn't let me have it tonight" "We came on the bus - Oh aye" "You shouldn't smoke" "Why not?" " It's smelly" "Anyway it's bad for you" "What's for the tea?" "Meat and tater pie" "Yum yum" "Well you're not going to have any are you?" "Course I am" "I thought we were going into town for our supper" "We are but this is our tea" "Oh you can't have two meals in one night" "Course you can" "Aren't you having any?" "No" "She don't want her tea" "Well there's plenty of pie love" "No I don't want any, honestly" "Go on have a bit" "Well no we're going to eat later" "You only just got in from work you must be starving" "Well can I just have a little bit of toast?" "Is that alright for her Les, toast?" "How should I know?" "Is that alright love?" " Honestly" "Do you want it now or when we have ours?" "Well I'll have it with you - Alright" "Why don't you have some tea?" " I don't want any" "It's rude" "What's rude about it?" "Well it is isn't it" "Well you never told me you were going to eat now" "What do you expect us to do?" "it's tea-time" "Well you said we would eat later" "Yeah but you always have your tea at tea-time don't you?" "Have you decided where we're going anyway?" "No" "You're going to end up having to run around in the shower to get wet" "You don't mind if I do a bit of ironing do you love?" "No course not you carry on" "Are you going out?" " Yeah" "Where're you going?" "Don't know love" "Who are you going out with?" " A fella" "A new one?" " Yeah if you must know" "What's he called?" " Morris" "What're you laughing at?" " Morris, what a daft name" "What time are you meeting him?" " Eight o'clock" "Where?" "Outside Rialto" "Does Yvonne always make the tea?" " No me Mam" "Yvonne only does it on Fridays and then she only warms it up, me Mam makes it" "Oh" "Me Mam works late on Fridays with Arthur at shop" "Who's Arthur?" "Me Step-Dad" "Oh yeah" "Arthur works late on Tuesdays too" "Does he?" "I suppose you have to if you're running a shop" "It's Co-op, he only works there" "They'll be coming back at nine o'clock" "But we better go out about half past eight, just incase they come back early" "Alright" "Eh" "What's Morris's surname eh?" "Don't know - Minor?" "Morris Minor" "Eh what happened to that other fella?" "What fella?" " That nice one" "Ian?" " I think so" "Saw him but he never bothered with us" "Didn't he?" " Nah" "Us?" "who were you with?" "Jackie" "Oh I'm not surprised he didn't bother with you then" "What do you mean?" "You want to see them two walking down the street, linking arms" "Look like a couple of beatniks" "She's me mate" "Well?" "Hey what happened to that fella with the motorbike?" "Don't know I hope he gone into a brickwall- Hey, fella she went out with" "He had a great big motorbike, he took her out for a ride with no crash-helmet on" "She could of been killed" "Come on Les that kettle's boiling - Oh right" "Honest to God Car, he'd forget his head him if it were loose" "It's a wonder he's not forgotten to pick you up" "Oh I don't think he'd do that" "Eh" "What?" "Where's coffee?" "It's on the side Les" "You've been going out a bit now haven't you Carol" "About five weeks isn't it?" " How much do you put in?" "A spoonful" "I don't know, you're doing him wonders Carol" "Got him making coffee, we'll have him making tea next" "Was Yvonne sad when her husband left her?" "I don't know" "He left her" "What was he like?" "He were a bastard" "What d'you mean?" "He used to bring her flowers every morning" "Well that's a nice thing to do" "I were making a joke" "Well I don't think it's very funny" "Blooming heck I've found a bit of meat" "Ooh stick it on the wall then" "Shall we?" "frame it?" " Yeah" "It's a special occasion if we get meat in our pie" "She's a great cook me Mum isn't she?" "Oh aye, she ought to write a cookery book" "Aye" "How to make rock buns out of real rock" "Oh yeah and how to boil eggs" "Yeah" "She's the only person I know that can burn boiled eggs" "Yeah" "Go in there in the morning and there's a pan on the side, black" "With a little black egg stuck at bottom and that's for your breakfast" "She can burn cornflakes me Mam" "She's ugly an all isn't she?" " Oh aye" "She could turn the milk off" "My Mams so ugly that when mice see her they dive onto the traps" "I bet you're dieing to meet her, aren't you Carol" "She's not going to meet her" "Why not?" "Shut up" "Do you want more bread Les?" "No" "I'm not hungry" "What have you got in your hair you?" " Rollers" "You look like the Wild Man of Borneo" "You cheeky monkey" "Did your brother say things like that to you love?" "No I'm an only child" "Are you?" " Eh is there any more of this" "Yeah pass your plate" "I don't know where you put it" "I put it in me mouth" "You eat too much" "Our Les is a bloody pig" "There's nothing wrong with us pigs" "Pigs are very intelligent y'know" "My favourite animal pigs" "I'm a pig and proud of it" "Oh we can see that can't we Carol" "You never see a pig going to work do you?" "Queuing up outside the labour exchange" "Or going round the shops" "They have a life of luxury pigs" "They get all their food brought to them and all they have to do is eat it" "It's a great life" "You wouldn't say that if you saw what they had to eat" "Out of our bloody slop bins I wouldn't like to eat it" "We have a whole like row of them y'know at work" "We have to go past them to go to the toilet and have a fag sometimes ooh and it stinks and there's all flies crawling all over them" "Well it's funny when you think about it isn't it?" "I mean pigs eat that and then we eat pigs don't we" "Oh don't" "I'd like a pig for a pet - What?" "Imagine having a pig on a lead" "Taking it for a walk in the park" "It would be great" "Eh imagine a pig curled up on the rug in front of the fire" "With its little piggy bowl" "Opening a tin of pig-o-meat" "You're daft you are" "Eh you could take it to the French Poodle shop and have its tail curled" "Oh sit up Les" "What for?" "Well you'll get indigestion" "Will I heckers" "You don't have to eat sitting up y'know" "You can eat in any position you want, I seen it on the telly" "They had a man on there standing on his head eating a bun" "On his head?" " Yeah" "It went down just the same" "It's nothing to do with the law of gravity y'know It's all to do with the muscles in your throat" "I seen it on Blue-Peter" "Thats called peristalsis" "What?" "Peristalsis that's what it's called - What?" "standing on your head?" "No, the food going down with the muscles in your throat" "Oh - Where did you discover that?" "Biology" "I were on the till again y'know this morning Les" "Were you?" " Yeah" "You like that don't you - I do, wish I could do it all the time" "Don't half make a change" "I'm usually on the chip range y'know" "Then last week she put me on the till for a bit and she put me on again this week" "Smashing" "Hey Les you'll never guess who came in" "Who?" "That woman" "What woman?" "Y'know, that one I were telling you about" "Oh that one" "I was sitting on the cash till and she came up to me and I were just dieing to laugh after what you'd said y'know and she looked at me and I burst out laughing right in her face" "She must've thought I were bloody soft" "I nearly wet my knickers I laughed that much" "Shut up" "Has he told you about her?" "No" "Oh it's this woman" "Her stomach blew up like a big balloon y'know a false pregnancy and I were telling Les and he says to me" "Go on tell her what you said Les" "I just said it must of been caused by wind and I said I wouldn't like to be there when she let off" "It's funny that isn't it?" "Well I better get these pots washed up anyway" "I'll do that for you" "No it's alright love - It's alright I can do it" "Are you sure you don't mind?" " Course I don't" "Oh well the washing up's just on the side" "Have you finished Les?" " No" "Hey Les, you can bring her round every Friday night" "Eh what about that poof?" "Who, Jimmy?" " Yeah" "He hasn't been in again him y'know" "Hasn't he?" "I bet he's left for good - Probably has" "I wouldn't blame him I bet he had a miserable time working with you lot" "Did he heck" "He used to like us pulling his leg, him" "Are you alright love?" "Yes I'm fine" "Oh give us that cloth would you" "Ta" "Found washing up alright did you?" " Yeah it's there" "Eh - What?" "What're you letting her do the washing up for?" "She said she wanted to" "You don't mind washing up do you love?" " No course I don't" "Do you like being the only child Carol?" "Yeah it's alright" "Your Mum not keen on kids?" "No she likes them" "It's funny she only had you then isn't it" "Well she couldn't have any more" "What after you you mean?" "Did she have one of them operations?" "Yeah" "How old was she then when she had that?" "Eh" "Well she was forty" "Was she?" "Well she were late starting with you then wasn't she?" "Yeah" "Did they not bother for a bit like?" "Eh" "No well they tried" "Only, she had a couple of miscarriages" "I've finished" "Right" "Give us your cup - Eh" "Ta, what?" " When are you going out?" "About twenty to eight why?" "Can't you go out earlier?" "Why?" "do you want to be on your own?" "Ooh Les" "Here you are the..." "Oh ta" "What you doing?" "Just rinsing me overall out - Do you have to do it now?" "I want it dry for morning" "You could do it after when you come in" "It's done now" "I thought you had to go out" "I do" "You'll be late for your own funeral you" "Oh stop nagging Les" "Oh come on Yvonne - I'm brushing me teeth Les" "Done it now" "Do you want to watch telly?" "No not unless you want to" "Do you want a jam sandwich?" "No" "Come on chip-pan" "Oh I'm hurrying up I can't be any quicker Les" "Blooming heck what's that?" "It's me new scent do you like it?" "Oh you're not wearing that are you?" "Yeah course I am - Morris'll drop dead" "Dead bloody cheeky here have some on" "Blooming heck" "It's lovely that" "It's nice" "Eh what is Morris anyway?" "an hairdresser?" "No is he heck he works in rag trade" "What sewing on fly holes" "Les" "Where'd you meet him?" "I meet him in that club y'know that foreign one" "That La Ponsiano place - La ponce?" "What were you doing in La Ponce?" "I just went with Jackie for a change" "Eww I can smell you from here" "So you should it cost enough" "Can you smell her?" "Do you like it Carol?" "Yeah it's alright - Do you want a bit on love?" "No thanks" "Tell our Ma I've left money under the wireless will you Les" "I won't be in when she gets here" "Anyway she knows you always leave it there" "Where're you going?" "We don't know yet, do we?" "No we're not sure" "#Why are we waiting#" "Alright I'm going I'm going" "You sound like you've already gone" "Ooh what a brother" "Thanks for helping me wash up love" "That's alright" "See you again eh?" "Ta-ra Tatty and there's some chewing gum on there if you want it" "Have a nice night" "Ta-ra" "D'you want some chewing gum?" "No" "Are we going to go into town then?" "Yeah" "When are we going?" "Half past eight" "We are getting a pet pig y'know" "I'm not kidding" "Don't be daft" "Have you got any pets at your house?" "Got a Budgie" "We had a Budgie what's it called?" "Joey - Ours was called Peter" "Have you had it long?" "Three years" "We only had ours a fortnight" "Arthur pulled the cover right down one night and suffocated it" "Couldn't stand the sight of it" "It couldn't talk" "It couldn't fly either we let it out for a fly round the room once and it fell flat on the carpet we had to lift it back into the cage" "It's rude to read in polite company" "You're a fine one to talk about being rude" "What do you mean?" "You know perfectly well what I mean" "What're you talking about?" "Eh don't read it now - I can read a magazine if I want to" "You're in a right bad mood aren't you?" "Well it's hardly surprising is it?" "Why couldn't you sit at the table and have your tea" "What?" "Well did you have to sprawl about all over the furniture eating your food off the floor?" "and why couldn't you help me do the washing up?" "you were so keen to get rid of Yvonne" "Shut up" "Anybody would think you didn't want me here" "Shut up" "Don't tell me to shut up" "I can't help it" "Course you can" "No one's forcing you to behave like an animal" "It's about time you learnt a few manners" "Shut up" "If you tell me to shut up just once more I'm going" "Shut up" "Oh blooming heck" "Where're you going?" "Well are you coming?" "Where?" "Well lets go to the pub" "I thought we were staying here 'till half past eight" "What did you do that for?" "I thought you were going to hit me" "Oh honestly" "I must be mad to stay here" "You are" "You're a moron" "I know" "I bet you've never treated any other girls like this?" "Have you?" "No" "I usually tie them up and gag them and leave them in lockers at Picadilly Station" "I've never had a girlfreind" "What?" "never?" " No" "Well you must of been out with somebody just once?" "No" "What?" "Do you mean you've never?" "I mean have.." "Have you never.." "Y'know" "Have I heck" "Do you mean I'm your first girlfreind?" "Sherlock Holmes" "I didn't know" "I should've worn L-plates and a running in sign" "Is that why you never tried anything on?" "Eww what an horrible expression?" "It's not - Yvonne says that" "It sounds like trying on a new pair of pants" "Is it why though?" "I don't know anything about it" "I wouldn't know where to start" "Anyway when you've never had a girlfreind it.." "You don't want to spoil it do you?" "You have to be careful" "I mean I might get it all wrong" "It might be clumsy" "I know what to do, y'know" "It's everywhere isn't it?" "sex" "In the papers" "On the telly on the pictures" "But it's not like that really" "When I were at school they told us all about Frogs and spawn" "I brought me homework book home and Arthur looked over me shoulder at it and he said it's just the same with people" "I thought that's why people must go to the swimming pool" "D'you want a drink?" "Yeah" "I'll have a coffee" "I'll make a cup of tea" "Can't I have coffee?" "Alright" "Do you want any help?" " Yeah hold that" "Hey can I have a look round" "Course you can" "I'll give you a guided tour shall I?" "On your right that's me Mums room" "Then next to that on the left that's Yvonne's room" "Then next to that's the bathroom" "Then next to that's my room" "Here you are" "You can go in if you want to" "What's that?" "It's a ukelele" "Do you play it?" "Yeah sit here" "Me Mam's bought me a new shirt" "Oh lets have a look" "Oh Les that's smashing" "Hey you'll look great in that" "It's horrible" "Hey you're crumpling up your trousers" "D'you like MAD?" "I've never read it - It's great" "Are you alright now?" "Yeah" "I'm sorry about that before" "But I always have me meals on the settee" "Except me Christmas dinner" "Hey do you really play that?" "Yeah" "Well play something on it" "What shall I play?" " Well I don't know" "My dog has fleas" "What's that?" "That's how you tune it up - Oh" "You've got to find the note" "#I'm leaning on a lamp post at the corner of the street#" "#Incase a certain little lady#" "Ohh" "Well go on go on finish it" "Go on" "#I'm leaning on a lamp post at the corner of the street#" "#Incase a certain little lady comes by#" "#For me#" "#Oh my#" "#I hope that little lady comes...# #boo boo dee do# #be doo boo boo#" "#She's absolutely wonderful# #and marvelous and beautiful# #and anyone can understand why#" "#I'm leaning on a lamp post at the corner of the street#" "#Incase a certain little lady passes by#" "Who's that?" "I don't know" "Hiya" "Hi" "I thought you were going out?" "We're just going - We're just looking at Les's new shirt" "Oh aye" "You're back early aren't you?" "Yeah" "Did Morris not turn up?" "No" "I told you he were a ponce" "Do you know there're a hundred and forty steps to this flat" "You've not walked up seven floors have you?" "Yeah" "What for?" "I felt like it" "This kettle's boiling" "Shall I make you a drink?" "No I'll make me own" "She's in a bad mood isn't she" "Yeah" "Shall we go out?" "Shall we ask her if she wants to come to the pub?" "Do you think she'd come?" "I don't know we can see" "We're off now then" "Right" "We're going down to the pub" "Alright" "You can come if you want" "No I'm alright" "You can you won't be in the way" "I'm alright - It'll be alright" "I'm alright Les" "Ta-ra then" "Ta-ra - bye" "Ta-ra" "Not be long" "subs by ib50 23-11-2006"