"♪ Men. ♪" "Thanks for coming in, guys." "It's always a pleasure seeing you." "I mean, she's so pretty." "You're so pretty." "You know anyone we can set her up with?" "I appreciate the thought, but I am perfectly happy with my... cats." "Anyway... how would you guys feel about adopting an older child?" "Wow." "Like, how old are we talking?" "Like, I've been taking care of this one since he was 43." "(laughs)" "He's been a wonderful provider." "And he only spanks me when I ask him to." "Wow, that is a lot to take in before 10:00 a.m. on a Monday." "That's what he said." "Okay, please stop." "That's what he said." "Oh!" "The reason I bring it up is because there is a six-year-old boy who's been bouncing around the foster system for a while, and I think he'd be a great match for you guys." "Wow, really?" "Uh, well, six is a great age." "Potty-trained but not ashamed of you yet." "WALDEN:" "Well... well, uh, can we adopt him right away?" "Well, we'd start with a weekend visit." "See if it's a good fit, then, assuming it is, you guys would become his foster parents." "After six months, if everyone agrees, you can officially adopt him." "Oh, and-and-and if we don't agree, can we credit those six months to a kid that we do like?" "(all laugh)" "Wow, I-I always thought we were gonna get a baby, but I kind of like the idea of giving an older kid a shot." "Well, Louis certainly deserves a shot." "Louis?" "Louie?" "Aw, sweet Lou." "(bellows):" "Lou!" "Uh, is he married to that name or can we change it?" "Alan." "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I just, you know, I had my heart set on Beckett." "Look, I'm gonna be honest with you guys." "Louis has had a rough time." "He's been in foster homes, group homes." "He's moved around a lot." "We thought we had him placed for adoption a few months ago, but it fell through." "So he's gonna be a little gun-shy." "Well, don't worry about that." "I mean, I'm sure we'll have a great time together." "Just don't expect a lot." "Same thing I told this one on our wedding night." "Wow, I really like this idea." "I mean, I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna have a son." "How cool is that gonna be?" "I mean, and-and you get to relive all those great father-son moments." "♪ By the time you hear the siren ♪" "♪ It's already too late ♪" "♪ One goes to the morgue and the other to jail ♪" "♪ One gets wasted and the other's a waste... ♪" "(vomiting)" "Good thinking." "Aah!" "(farts)" "Dad?" "Yeah, buddy?" "Bite me." "(farting)" "(fart echoing)" "Yeah, all those great father-son moments." "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Two and a Half Men 12x05 ♪ Oontz Oontz Oontz Original Air Date on November 27, 2014" "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man" "♪ Men. ♪" "What the hell?" "Walden?" "WALDEN:" "Up here!" "Check it out!" "Isn't this awesome?" "They have one just like it at the Google headquarters!" "Oh, you know what you get when you Google" ""greatest dad in the world"?" "This guy!" "(laughs)" "(stammers) What is going on?" "What is all this?" "Oh, uh, well, I went to the toy store and got a few things for Louis." ""A few things"?" "Okay, I don't want to be the guy to point out the 800-pound gorilla in the room." "But there's an 800-pound gorilla in the room." "I just want him to like it here." "Well, so do I." "But if you build Disneyland in your house, you'll never get the thrill of taking him to Disneyland." "Ah." "You're right." "Damn it." "I got to cancel Mickey and Minnie." "What?" "Oh, I was gonna have him wake him up in the morning." "(imitating Mickey Mouse):" "Hey, Louis." "Ready for breakfast?" "We've got orange juice and waffles shaped just like me!" "I think it's great that you're so excited about being a dad." "And the best part is..." "no stretch marks for me." "You know, you're my best friend, but you're an odd little man." "♪ Men. ♪" "Oh, hey." "What are you doing up?" "I couldn't sleep." "Oh, I get it." "Excited about tomorrow?" "More like terrified about tomorrow." "Why are you getting paper towels in the middle of the.." "Oh, you..." "Never mind." "I don't want to know." "That's a good call." "You want to talk about it?" "There's a kid showing up here tomorrow." "And he needs a dad, and I don't know if I can do it." "What?" "Why not?" "Well, I've never had a successful relationship with anyone in my life except for you." "Four years next Thursday." "Yeah, I got your wish list." "They're just ideas." "Make it your own." "Look, the fact that you've screwed up with women doesn't mean you can't be a great father." "I don't even know what a good dad looks like." "I mean, I know what a bad dad looks like." "It's an empty chair across the table from my mom." "Which later gets filled by my "Uncle Kenneth"" "who sold speedboats." "And "Uncle Rob" who sold insurance." "Then "Uncle Stan" who sold pot." "I liked Uncle Stan." "I get it." "I didn't grow up with a dad, either." "When Jake was born, I was scared out of my mind." "Why were you scared?" "You're a great dad." "Okay, I'm gonna tell you something that I've, I've never told anybody before." "When Jake was a baby..." "I dropped him." "Right smack on his head." "Oh, my God." "Now I feel awful about all the times I said," ""Were you dropped on your head as a baby?"" "My point is that Jake turned out fine." "I mean, sure, he had to repeat seventh grade math a couple of times, but he was born at the right time." "You know?" "Computers." "Wait, so what you're saying is even if I screw up a little, it's not the end of the world?" "The fact that you're worried about being a good dad is what's gonna make you a great one." "Thanks." "Hmm." "You're a good friend." "All right." "I'm gonna go get some sleep." "Good night." "Good night." "Oh, Baby Jake." "♪ Men. ♪" "It'll be nice having a kid around here again." "Running up and down the stairs." "Laughing at all the silliest things." "And they'll believe almost anything you tell them." "No kidding." "Jake still thinks one of the first men on the moon was Buzz Lightyear." "Ha!" "(doorbell rings)" "I'll get it!" "You got to admit that would've been way cooler with a slide." "Look who's here." "Hi, guys." "This is Louis." "Hi, Louis!" "Sweet Lou!" "(bellows):" "Lou!" "We're not booing, we're Lou-ing." "Louis, this is Walden and Alan." "Hi." "You're gonna be staying with them for the weekend." "Oh, uh, don't worry, buddy," "I was only supposed to stay here for a weekend, too." "(singsongy):" "12 years later." "WALDEN:" "Oh, and, uh, this is Berta." "Uh, she helps take care of us around here." "Look at that face." "Walden, you might have some competition for the best looking man in the house." "You mean so-some more competition?" "Nope." "Do you have any Cheez-Its?" "Uh, well, if we don't, we could get some." "Okay, I'll stay." "All right, well, I want you guys to get to know each other, so I'm gonna go." "But you have my number if you need anything." "Oh, uh, wait." "Uh, does-does he come with an instruction manual or something?" "You'll be fine." "Bye, Louis." "Uh, okay, uh... should we have tipped her?" "You're asking me?" "I don't even tip the pizza guy." "I don't like pizza." "I like Cheez-Its." "Oh, well, you know, when you think about it, a pizza is just a really big Cheez-It with sauce." "We're gonna get Cheez-Its, right?" "Berta?" "I'm on it." "I'll be back as soon as I can." "And, Louis?" "That's the first time I ever said that and meant it." "Hey, Louis?" "Welcome to our house." "Do you want to come on in?" "Oh, my God." "Look at him." "He's adorable." "ALAN:" "I know, I know." "He's like one of those TV kids." "Maybe we can put him in commercials." "We know he likes Cheez-Its." "Alan, do you really want to be making less money than a six-year-old?" "Oh, oh, oh." "Oh." "Who is that?" "This is Timothy." "He's a seal." "Oh!" "Well, hi, Timothy." "I'm Walden." "And I'm Alan." "Timothy doesn't talk." "Oh, right, yeah." "Because he's a seal." "No, because he's a toy." "Right." "He-He's a toy." "(exhales)" "Wow." "Got a lot of weekend left." "So, which one of you is the mommy?" "Um..." "Um... well, that's-that's a great question." "And one I was hoping you wouldn't ask in the first five minutes." "You know, see, in some families, there's a mommy and a daddy." "But in other families, like this one, there's, there's two daddies." "Why?" "Wow, that is another great question." "Um..." "Alan?" "No, no." "You're doing great." "Okay." "He's the mommy." "I told you, Timothy." "♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Men. ♪" "Hey, Louis, check it out." "Casa de Louis." "Chez Louie." "San Louis..." "Obispo." "Basically what I'm saying is this is your room." "Cool!" "You know, I thought we could decorate it together." "Lucky." "He never let me." "Oh, and check this out." "This is your bed." "But if you're thinking about jumping up and down on it, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble... if you don't!" "(laughing)" "Uh, we also heard, uh, that you like to draw." "So check out this fully stocked art table." "You got, uh, markers, crayons, paints." "Someone's gonna put the "arty" back in "party."" "(chuckles)" "Okay, so, uh, why don't we, uh, unpack your stuff?" "We'll put it in the dresser, and then we'll go do something." "No, I don't need to unpack." "Oh, okay." "Uh, well, then it's straight to the good times, huh?" "For King Louie the Fun-teenth." "(laughs)" "I apologize." "WALDEN:" "So, yeah, what do you want to do?" "You know, we could play a game, we could go to the park, we could go to the zoo, we could go to SeaWorld or Disneyland or Legoland, or we could play Legos in the house," "or we could play house, or we could build a house, or we could listen to house music." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "(Alan and Walden imitating house music)" "What's up, Miami!" "Oontz." "Oontz." "Or-or we don't have to do any of that." "We could... do something else, like..." "Alan?" "Uh, uh, we could, we could go to the beach." "Oh, that's a great idea." "Oh, but where are we gonna find one of those?" "You live on the beach." "Oh!" "That's right!" "It's your backyard." "So, what do you say?" "You want to go?" "Okay." "We got an okay." "Okay." "So let's go." "Let's do this." "To the beach we go." "Oh, hey, uh, if you need a bathing suit, it's in the top drawer." "So why don't you change, and we'll change, and then we'll go have a party on the beach." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oontz." "Oh, my God, that was like pulling teeth." "Please tell me this gets easier." "It doesn't, but the good news is, you stop trying." "♪ Men. ♪" "Hey, Louis, look at this." "We're almost done." "Yes, now all we need is a flag for the top." "Oh!" "Oh, that's an old Band-Aid." "Uh, how about this?" "We'll take this juice box, flip it up here, and we'll put the straw in like this, and ta-da!" "It's a flag!" "Look at this, Louis!" "All hail the Kingdom of Mount Berry Cooler!" "ALAN:" "Oh, oh, and here comes the king, uh, returning home from battle." "WALDEN:" "And what does he have with him?" "The spoils of war, all the Cheez-Its in the land." "Isn't this cool, Louis?" "I want to go back inside." "What?" "It's kind of hot, and I have to pee." "Well, uh, you know, the ocean solves both of those problems." "O-O-Okay." "Okay, w-w-we'll meet you inside." "Hey, hey, Berta, he's coming in!" "BERTA:" "I've got him!" "Well, he hates me." "What?" "We spent an hour building a sand castle, and all he did was dig a hole." "Who digs holes, Alan?" "Prisoners, they want to escape." "Oh, Walden." "Why are the pretty ones always so crazy?" "Crazy?" "Am I?" "Really?" "What about earlier when he didn't want to unpack?" "What was that all about?" "Nobody likes to unpack." "I hate it." "Oh, is that why you've never moved out?" "Wow." "Um, misdirected anger, your table is ready." "You know what, he doesn't want to be here." "That's it." "I-I knew I couldn't do this." "Come on, Walden, put yourself in his shoes." "He only spent half a day with us." "He's gonna need more time to feel safe here." "Yeah, right." "More time." "You think he'll love me by tomorrow?" "Trust me, Walden, he'll warm up to you just like I did." "Remember when you moved here?" "I wasn't sure I wanted you to stay." "I bought the house." "And I made it a home." "You're gonna have to have more patience with him." "Fine." "Patience." "(groans)" "Where you going?" "The ocean." "I'm hot and I got to pee." "Well, be careful." "He hates me." "Oh, there he is." "Did you put the seat down?" "I never put it up." "Can I have a snack?" "Do we have snacks?" "Let's see." "Wow." "Take a load off." "When a guy named Charlie lived here," "I had to keep this cabinet stocked with coke co powder." "Because he loved hot chocolate." "I like hot chocolate." "Not like he did." "You like your crackers?" "Yeah." "You don't talk much, do you?" "I get it." "I was a quiet child." "In fact, you and I have a lot in common." "You like Cheez-Its, too?" "I do." "But I was also raised in a whole bunch of foster homes." "You were?" "Yep, and I hated it." "Moving around all the time, having to make friends everywhere, and no one ever offered me grape juice." "Would you like to have some grape juice?" "Yes, please." "But I got to tell you, we both hit the lottery with this place." "Walden and Alan are the best." "They're nice, they're fun, and guess what else." "What?" "They're easy to fool." "Last year, I went to my granddaughter's graduation seven times." "(laughter)" "And with that face you can get anything you want." "Welcome to Malibu, kid." "♪ Men. ♪" "(knocking)" "Can I come in?" "What you drawing?" "Oh." "A sand castle." "That's ironic." "Hey, uh, c-can we talk for a second?" "Sure." "All right." "Great." "Look, uh..." "I know it's got to be overwhelming being here and being in new places all the time and with new people and a new bed." "I mean, heck, for all you know, there could be monsters under the bed." "There's monsters?" "No." "That's a bad example." "In fact, before you got here," "I de-monsterized the entire house." "My point is, is..." "I'm really glad you're here, Louis." "I just want you to be comfortable with Alan and I." "So if, so if there's anything you ever need to talk about, like anything at all, you can come to me." "So, that's all I have to say." "Is there anything you would like to say?" "Nope." "Really." "Just, like, just nothing?" "Like, nothing at all?" "Can I ask you a question?" "Uh, yes, of course." "You can just, any time." "That-That's why I'm here." "So you just ask away." "Is it okay that I can draw by myself for a little while?" "Yeah." "Okay, yeah." "You-you want to be alone." "I get that." "That is not a problem." "So, you want your space, and I shall give it to you." "I will withdraw while you draw." "(chuckles)" "Son of a bitch." "♪ Men. ♪" "Walden?" "(gasps) Oh, God." "Oh, Louis." "Oh, hey." "(groans)" "What's going on, man?" "It's really late." "I had a question, and you said we could talk any time." "Well, that's-that's just something that people say, but, I, uh..." "Yeah, what-what's up?" "Am I gonna stay here with you?" "What do you mean?" "Sometimes I go to a house for a weekend, but then I don't stay." "Oh, buddy, that's what you're worried about." "Well, come here, c-come here, okay?" "Jump up here." "Hey, listen." "You can stay here as long as you want to." "Do you want to?" "Uh-huh." "I really like it here." "That's... great." "Really surprising, but it's great." "Hey," "I'm not going anywhere, and as long as you want to be here, you're not going anywhere, either." "And believe me, Alan is gonna be here longer than the both of us." "So don't you worry." "Thanks." "So you really like it here, huh?" "All right, what was the best part of the day?" "BOTH:" "The Cheez-Its." "Yeah." "And I like Berta." "Berta's great, and you like me, too, right?" "Berta's so funny." "Patience, patience." "Listen, as long as you're happy." "Cool." "It is cool, Louis." "It's very cool." "Where's Alan?" "Look at us." "We're like the Three Musketeers." "I don't think the Three Musketeers shared a bed." "You don't know that." "They were French." "Where's Berta?" "No." "♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Men. ♪" "And then you pull the bird back, Uh-huh." "and then let them go fly into the pig's house." "And then they roll around, and then they explode." "And then it's fun." "Angry Birds sounds like it's fun." "You know, I bet the birds are so angry 'cause they don't get enough sleep." "It's the pigs who should be angry." "The birds are always crashing into their house, even when they build them out of ice or in space." "I wonder if the pigs are from Three Little Pigs." "That's messed up because the wolf already broke their old houses." "Little help, Alan?" "(Alan snoring)" "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man"