"They will just ask anybody to join a war." "I once got kicked off a carnival ride for crying." "I cried on a Ferris wheel." "Why am I even here?" "This is stupid." "I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but you're pretty much on your own, bud." "If somebody shoots at us, I'm running." "Is this a grenade?" "I don't even... this is stupid." "Like, do they want us to lose?" "Is that why I'm... ?" "What side are we on?" "Are we the good guys or the bad guys?" "I should probably be quiet." "There's probably peop..." "I'll be quiet." "Just eat." "Just eat." "I don't care." "Is this loaded?" " Will." " What?" "I'm going in." "All right, I got your back, buddy." "Cover me." " You've always been there for me, buddy." " I always will." " I love you." " I love you." "I love you a lot." "Arghh-hh!" " I'm just procrastinating now." " Go." " I don't really want to go." "Okay, I'll go." " Go." " I'm going." " Go." "No-o-o!" "No!" "No!" "Will, help!" "Will!" "Will!" "No!" "Will!" "Will!" "No!" "Help!" "No!" "Help!" "Will!" "What?" "I'm in the bathroom." "Yeah, what's up?" "I'm seriously constipated, for real this time." "What the fuck do you want me to do?" "Can you grab me some reading material?" "Seriously, this one's a fighter." "Anything specific?" "Something long." "How about my dick?" "Dude, come on." "I'm dying here." "My asshole is locked up tighter than the Birdman of Alcatraz." "All right, fine." "Ugh." "Here's your book." "Come on, man, can you just bring it in to me?" "I promised myself I wouldn't get up until I dropped the kids off at the pool." "I'm not going in there." "Just get off your ass and get it yourself." "Do you have work today?" "No, I called out the last four days." "How?" "I told work that my mom had a spastic colon." "But your mom's been dead for 20 years." "Are you serious?" "Thanks for reminding me, dick fuck." "All right, I'm out of here." "Dude, come on, Will." "Seriously, it'll be fun in here." "I don't want to come in there." "I know you don't want to, but do what's right." "You know what's right, Will." "Seriously, we can make s'mores in here." "You want a s'more?" "Fine." "What are you doing, having a party in here?" "I told you, I'm not leaving this damn room until I take the Browns to the Bowl." "Well, here's your book." "Dude, just stay and hang out with me for a little bit." "Just take an enema." "I'm not sticking anything else up my ass." "Nothing good ever comes out of it." "I think it's pretty stupid you hanging out in the bathroom all day." "You're stupid." "Fine." " Just stay in and drink with me." " What?" "No." "I don't feel like hanging out with you all night in your fucking underwear." " I'll put pants on." " That's not the point." "Good." "I wasn't gonna put pants on anyway." " Right." "See you." " Will, come here, please, just real quick." "Just feel my stomach." "Go on." "Come here." "Oh, that's..." "it's all hard and shit." "What the fuck is that?" "It's poop, dude, a lot of it." "That's disgusting." "I know." "So what about it?" "Come on, let Daddy take care of you tonight." "Just stay in." "Oh, I found something." "Oh, all right." " Yeah!" "Come here." "Rub my feet." " No." " Come on, rub my feet." " No." "I'm getting comfy." "I'm getting comfy with my body." "This is called the evacuator." "It tastes like shit." "What are you doing, man?" "I'm eating everything I can until I poop." "You've been in bed all week?" "I thought you were just out." "You didn't poop yet?" "Nope." "What's with the laxatives and Metamucil?" "I don't care about anything anymore, so I put them up my butt." "You're not supposed to put Metamucil up your butt." "Whatever." "Don't judge me." "I'm taking you to the hospital." "You don't look right." "You're all yellow and your stomach looks like a ripe melon." "And you smell." "Look, man, stop yelling, first off." "Second off, it's a very stressful situation in here." "And if this doesn't work," "I'll go to the hospital." "If you don't shit by the time I get back from work," "I'm taking you to the hospital, seriously." "You're a hospital." "That's a ridiculous belt." "You smell." " Yeah." " A lot." "Whatever." "I don't care." "Please." "Over the lips, past the liver, come on, grease, make my colon quiver." "Dear friends, family, we are gathered here today to bid a very fond farewell to a beloved son and a trusted friend." "I remember so fondly Scott as a child." "He had the most beautiful eyes, that tousled mop of hair, that small, athletic frame, the softest skin." "Oh Scott, this world is a darker place without you." "Yo, man, I heard you found the body." "That's bananas." "Man, did you check out the chicks at this thing?" "They got my pants extra tight." "There's something about chicks at a funeral, you know... just fucking sexy." "Oh, Will, on my way over here" "I was thinking or wondering maybe if I could maybe stay in Belch's room, because he's dead." "I really need a place to stay." "And I could help you out financially." "Dude, are you asking to move into his best friend's room at the funeral?" "Is it too soon?" "Is it too soon?" "Sure sure." "You got it." "Oh, man, cool." "Hey, you think Belch's shit is still in there?" "Wait, not his actual shit... ugh." "But, like, his comb and his toothbrush and his callus peeler and that Jaeger bottle." "I get his..." "I get his DVDs." "I get his DVDs." "It's my room, man." "They're my DVDs." "I just called dibs." "Dibs." "You did." "Well, I guess it doesn't matter if it's in there or not." "It would be nice to have stuff though." "You know, I don't have any stuff of my own since my mom's flood." "Do you remember the storm of '97?" "Do you remember?" "Do you remember?" "Do you remember?" " A hell of a storm." " Oh man." "And so it, like, came in the basement." "It was, like, raising up really high." "I was sleeping on an air mattress." "Oh, man, it was like a raft." "I felt like I was coming from Puerto Rico." "I didn't know what to do." "I was scared though." "I was probably down there for, like, two days, or maybe it was weeks." "I don't know." "So how have you been?" "Do I know you?" "Krista." "Scotty's cousin." "Krista?" "Little annoying Krista?" "Krista that peed in the tent on the camping trip when we were little kids?" "You sure know how to charm a girl, don't you?" "Belcher and I called you Pissta for the rest of that trip." "That shit was hilarious." "Yeah, it was great." "So how long are you here for?" "Actually I moved back about four months ago." "I'm surprised Scotty didn't tell you." "Oh, I'm not." " Why is that?" " Well, he probably would have thought" "I was gonna ask you out or something." "Would you have?" "Probably not." "I'm not into that whole golden showers thing." "Ha ha ha." "You know, you're so much funnier than I remember." "Well, I mean, you're a lot cuter than I remember." " Don't look now." "Will's with a girl." " Let me get this." "She's pretty, but she's wearing all black." "Everyone's wearing all black today." "Hey, Will." "Are you okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Thanks, baby." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Uh, yeah." "Sure." "Who was that girl you were talking to?" "Nobody." "Why do you care anyway?" "Well, I was thinking maybe we should start seeing each other again." "I think you might be a different person now, a little better." "I should go." "Ow." "Fuck, that hurt." "Will!" "Oh, that's not good." " Hey!" " What?" "Are you okay?" "What, are you retarded?" "No, I'm not okay." "Do you want some morphine?" "You know what?" "Just a couple chewable aspirins, maybe a Q-tip." "Yes, I want some morphine, you idiot!" "I don't have any morphine." "Oh my God." "Do you want anything else?" "You are 110% useless." "All right, this is what you can do for me..." "What?" "Don't put your penis in my cousin." "What?" "Don't fuck my cousin." "Wait, no." "Hang on." "I was looking the other way." "I can't hear." "You know damn well what I said." "No, I can't hear you." "You should just come over here so I can hear you." "How can I come over there?" "I'm practically dead." "You know damn well you can hear me, Will." "I can't hear you!" "There's bombs." "The bombs..." "I can't hear." "How can I hear you and you can't hear me?" "You're right there." "Of course you can hear me." "I can't hear you." "Say that again." "Don't fuck my cousin, you dick!" "Will!" "Will, help!" "Will!" "Will?" "Will!" "What are you wearing cologne for?" "Yeah, what, are you going to the Oscars or something?" "Yeah, who do you think you are..." "Daniel Gay Lewis?" "He called you Daniel." "Rollo, when I let Matt stay here," "I didn't know your skeevy ass was gonna be here every single day." "Two-for-one special, man." "Supply staying close to demand." "That's not how supply and demand works." "And anyway, it's not two-for-one, because" "Maurice over here has been here every fucking day." " Do you think it's gay that I bake?" " Who the fuck is Maurice?" "Furbush, you idiots." "Maurice fucking Furbush." "This waste of space sitting right over here next to you." "That's Furbush's name?" "Whoa." "You remind me of Stephen Hawking." "Oh my God, your stupidity astounds me." "Are you cooking pot brownies in an Easy-Bake oven?" "We couldn't get the real oven in here." "Anyway, aren't you supposed to meet up with that broad or something like that?" "Krista." "Her name is Krista." "She's been here every day for the past month." "She's got a sweet rack." "Yeah, a nice turd-cutter too." "How many of these things have you guys eaten?" "13, man." "You are fucking retarded, really." "He was calling you retarded, man, not me." "Oh, the brownie's ready." " Hey girl." " Hey, Cam." "Bye." "So this is gonna seem really over the top, but I was considering asking you to move in with me." "You don't have to answer right now." "Whoa, okay, I haven't even sampled the milk yet." "Let me think about it." "Sounds good." "Okay." "The reason I'm definitely a finer housewife of Cherry Hill is because I enjoy spoiling myself." "Did you play hot dogs and donuts yet?" "No, but I think she's gonna move in though." "Wait a minute." " Bad move, man." " What?" "Whoa, does that mean you're kicking me out, man?" "No, you're cool for a while, at least till you get a job." "A job?" "Congratulations!" "This is cause for a celebration, the only way we know how." "I don't know, guys." "I haven't smoked since I had that episode." "So that is why I don't smoke weed anymore." "Were you talking to us?" "Yeah, man, 'cause I was, like, zoning out... in and out." "No, I was talking to the other two dipshit burnouts on my couch." "There are other dipshits here?" "Listen, man, it doesn't matter who's where." "We're bros, all right?" "It's all about having a good time." "Live in the moment." "Be one of us." "It's healthy for you, sort of." "Okay." "Why monkey around when you can have professionals..." "Happy birthday, Stacy." "I see you turned 33." "No, I didn't." "Jesus." "What's up, Brosef Stalin?" "Look at him." "He's cute." "This girl's in my sorority." "Oh crap, here she comes." "Did you tell her we were coming here?" "Of course I did." "It's my birthday." "We're best friends in my sorority." "Dude, you're freaking out, man." "You're acting like you've just seen a ghost." "Stop screaming." "You're acting like a little girl." "Oh my God, oh my God," "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God." "Dude, take a deep breath." "Relax." "It's me, dude." "Why... why are you here?" "I'm totally seeing shit and hearing shit." "Ooh, you're crazy." "Relax, dude." "It's me." "It's Belcher." "It can't be you, can it?" "Are you stoned?" "When the hell did you start smoking weed?" "Aww." "Did you miss your buddy?" "Did you?" "Are you depressed?" "I'm back, fucker." "Quit being such a fag." "Well, I did it." "I really did it this time." "Really?" "Snap out of it, man." "You've got to accept the fact that I'm a ghost." "Hell, it took me five minutes to accept it." "If you're a ghost, why can I see you?" "I don't know." "You're the first." "I guess you're just special." "So if you've been gone for a month, where have you been?" "You know how in the movies they talk about how when you die you get to float over the top of your own funeral and shit, see who showed up?" "Not so much." "So what did you do?" "Well, first I tried to fly out of there, but that shit didn't work." "So then I jumped on a bus and I think I got an S.T.D. from it." "And it was terrible." "Dude, public transportation sucks ass." "Well, I just realized I'm really high right now and I'm talking to myself." "I'm going to bed right now, so you can stay or go or fuck off." "Fuck you." "Good night, imagination." "Wow." "Good night, prickle dick." "Belcher." "Belcher." "What?" "Can I talk to you?" "Go ahead." "In the hallway." "Come on." "I'll smoke in a minute, Mom." "What?" "Don't "what" me." "What are you doing?" "What the hell?" "Isn't it obvious?" "I'm trying to get some shut-eye in my own goddamn bed." "I didn't realize I was gonna be up all night listening to some whiny broad piss and moan about being stoned." "Oh my God, you're real." "Dude, I thought we went through this already." "What are you doing?" "Are you joking?" "Stop doing that." "Oh man." "Hey, man, it's just me..." "regular old Belch." "I know it might seem like we're in the movie "Ghost"" "and it's getting all gay and shit, but it's not like that." "I just want to hang out like old times." "That's the only reason I'm back here is to just do this." "It's the only reason that I can think of." "Don't be all weird, man." "I've got something that'll cheer you up." "Mm-hmm." "Watch this." "Fucking shit." "Oh man, there's something to be said about the grace of someone falling with stuff in their hands." "There's two types of people in this world, my friend, two types... one that's gonna sacrifice their kneecaps to save one little piece of canned good, but the other..." "they're the ones that will throw those groceries in the air with gusto to walk away unscathed." "This one's a thrower." " Want to get out of here?" " Yeah yeah." " Let's go." " Okay." "Come on, Will, you've got this." "Knock it down my urethra." "Right towards my dick." "Oh, eat my puss." "Yo, man, this is bullshit." "You can't make no shot like that." "I know, he's been making them all night." "Hey, you're making it so obvious." "These rednecks are gonna kick our asses." "They're gonna kick your ass, not mine." "That's great for you." "Oh please." "Look at these fucking guys." "They're like rent-a-rednecks." "That guy drives a Saturn and that guy jerks off to Carrie Underwood." "That's gonna be a real comfort for me when I'm picking up what's left of my teeth off of the floor." "Do you want me to get you a napkin for your vagina," " you fuck-ass?" " Shut up." "Hey, you see this schizo talking to himself?" "This fruit fucker's been playing games with us." "What are you doing over there, fruit fucker?" "Fruit fucker?" "Are you serious?" " Yeah." " He just called you fruit fucker." "Hold this." "My God, they're hysterical." "All right, you son of a bitch, this next shot..." "all this money all this asshole money right now, because you ain't making shit." "You can do this." "All right, eight ball, corner pocket." "Would this be easier for you, gaywad?" "Mm!" "Eat shit." "Eat my shit." "This asshole's doing magic on us." "Yo, man, it's like he's some crazy Danger Dopperfield." "Well, whatever it is, you're doing magic on us." "You know what?" "I'm gonna fuck this guy up upside his head." "Great." "Got this." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Not quite sure what just happened with the thing." "It just kind of... just went through the doggone air." "I'm just that fast." "I'm Professor Zoom, motherfucker." " Ha ha!" " Yeah!" "Fuck yeah." "Consider that rent, Mr. Furley." "Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his kneecap and he'll drop like a stone." "Did you just reference "Road House"?" " Patrick Swayze at his best." " Kudos, my friend." "And kudos again, fruit fucker." "Ooh, that was great." "I think if I wasn't dead, I would have got my carrot wet." "I think I'm just gonna hit the hay, so... man, it's so good to see you." "I had so much fun today." "Thanks, man." "I enjoy being here." "Not you, Matt." "Oh." "My bad." "Yeah." "Hey, Matt, actually" "I'm gonna have to ask you to move out of Belcher's room." "That's cool." "I couldn't afford rent anyway." " You weren't gonna pay me?" " No, probably not." "But since we're on the topic, could I crash on your couch for a while, since you're kicking me out and all?" "Fuck no." "Don't do it." "I guess, for a little while." " Cool." " But no weed." "Sober Sally." " I'm just kidding." " Oh, you got me there, man." " All right, good night." " You got him." "Dude, that was some serious drama." "Right?" ""Gilmore Girls" drama." "Do they ever stop?" "Hey, pass me the bowl." "That'll help me." "Yeah, well, you'll need that." "Thanks, man." "You're welcome." "You guys are retarded." "No, not the cats cats." "The singing animal "Cats." Cats." "What is up, buttercup?" "You're looking especially sexy this morning." "You snore really loud for a dead guy." "Thank you." "That tastes weird." "Dude, do you have to work today?" "Yeah." "What else do you want me to do?" "I have alive-people things to do and alive-people bills to pay." "Excuse me for not living." "Dude, man, we can go hustle some money at the pool hall." "Yeah, 'cause that went really well." "I thought it went great." "What am I supposed to do all day?" "I don't know." "Do exactly what you did when you were alive... nothing." "Matt's here." "He's gonna want to watch stupid judge shows all day." "Put on "Supermarket Sweep." He'll never know the difference." " I love that show." " It's a good show." "Yeah, but Furbush is here and he hates game shows." "Well, I don't know, man." "I gotta go." "Who works on a Monday?" "Be good." "Be gay." "Fucking stickler." "This sucks." "Everything's the worst." "I was kidding." "This tastes good." "I'm taking it." "Good morning, Will." "How was your weekend?" "Good morning." "It was good." "Yeah yeah, that's great." "That's great, whatever." "Did you get a chance to go over your part of the Anderson account?" "The Anderson account?" "Um, yeah, well," "Mr. Archer, actually..." "Don't Mr. Archer me, okay?" "What's up, Broba Fett?" "Who's the stiff?" "What the fuck are you doing here?" "What did you just say?" "Uh, nothing." "I didn't say anything." "Just thinking about the Anderson account, sir." "Marjorie, come help me with these papers." "And you, I'm not done with you yet." "What... ?" "Dude, that stiff you just knocked over is my boss." " That dude's your boss?" " Yeah." " You listen to that dude?" " Yeah, I have to." "He's got eyebrows like caterpillars, man." "He's ridiculous." "What are you doing here?" "You can't be here." " I'm bored as shit, man." " You have to go back home." "I'm serious." "I'm gonna kill myself." " All right, that doesn't make any sense." " Belcher, get out of here now." "Okay, please stop touching that." "That doesn't even do anything." "It just makes that noise." "I know, but I need to use it, okay?" " For what?" "To make..." " For my job." "So Eyebrow can think you're doing something?" "There you go." " He's busy." "He's busy doing nothing." " Shh." "This place smells terrible." " This place smells like period blood." " Get off here." "Where do you sleep though?" "You know where I sleep." "Get..." "No, where do you sleep when you're working?" "I'd have more fun on fire." "You've never been on fire." "I'd want to be on fire." "I'm gonna get fired because of you." "You have to go home." "God, being dead is retarded." " What's this over here?" " Come on." "Do you have a pencil?" "I want to sharpen a pencil." "No no, please just go." "Just stop touching everything." " Everything's locked." " Yeah, I know, for people like you." " Why is this even... ?" " No no." "This doesn't even do anything." "What, is this wah-wah?" "This is retarded." "You're making so much noise." "They're gonna hear you and I'm gonna get fired." " Like it matters." " Go." " Can I check my MySpace page?" " Come on." " What?" " Just get out." "Really, just get out." " All right." " Just get..." "All right, Will, where were we?" "See you later, Rumpledforeskin." "Marjorie!" "Where the shit have you been?" "Looks like you just got back from the Special Olympics." "Being dead is the best thing that's ever happened to me ever." "You should seriously consider killing yourself, like seriously." "I'm not gonna kill myself." "What's with the dog?" "I don't know." "Remember those horrible women that lived down the street..." "the sorority girls?" " Yeah." " The whores?" "They still live there." "So?" "So?" "So?" "Jesus Christ, it's like titty town U.S.A. down there." "And I've got a free fucking pass." "Whoa, are they, like, running around naked, having tickle parties, and flicking their beans and scissoring... ?" "That is 110% precisely what is happening down there." " Really?" " No, not at all." "But if you wait around the house for, like, 12-plus hours, you're bound to see something worthwhile, like them changing a tampon or something." "That's what you did all day?" "You sat around at a house waiting to catch a glimpse of a tit when we have literally, literally mountains of porn in this house?" "I hope it was worth your time." "Worth my time?" "Worth my time?" "I'm a ghost, dude." "All I have is time, you dipshit." "Besides, would you consider getting to see B.T.B. lathering up with a loofah worth 12 hours of your time?" "I know I would." "B.T.B.?" "Big-Tittied Brunette?" "Swish." "The one and only." "Oh, no way." "I think it would be worth 12 hours of my pitiful life to see that." "I could die happy." "Shit, I could die all over again." "I could die, like, four times." "I could die infinity just to see that fucking tied race of two zeppelins chasing at my face." "I wanted to sleep in them," " if I wasn't dead." " Yeah." "Yeah, it's hard to sell that to a girl." "Hey girl." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Oh, just trying to figure out why my breasts are getting so swollen." "Mine are kind of sore right now too." "My nipples are getting really long and hard." "Well, maybe if you touched them..." "can you tell me, do they feel odd to you?" "Does this feel odd?" "As long as they feel normal to you ladies." " I trust your opinion." " Yeah, nice and bouncy." "You're such good friends." "Whoa, man, she sounds like a fairy princess." "Wait a minute, what do you care about seeing naked chicks anyway?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, can you still get a... ?" "Where are you going with this, shark bait?" "Can you... ?" "Can I... ?" "I don't know." "Can you still get a... ?" "You're making me feel really awkward." "Awkward?" "Seriously?" "This is the first goddamn thing I would ask you if you showed up on my front step as Casper the Friendly Ghost." "Yes, I jerk off." "Is that what you're groping for?" "Yeah, that's one way to put it, I guess." "I beat the shit out of this thing." "Are you serious?" "This thing's got miles on it." "Hell, it's got gum stuck on the bottom;" "it's got a cigarette burn;" "gravel shoved into the tip;" "and my foreskin looks like it lost a catfight." "So yes, I jerk off." "Are you happy now?" " I beat the crap out of it." " Ew." "People have stepped on it and I didn't even notice." "So can you still... ?" "What happens when you... ?" "What happens with the... whew?" "Now I'm the one who's uncomfortable." "Yes, I have a triumphant and glorious end to all my beatings." "So when all things coincide... you know what I mean?" "... when I blow..." " Got it." "it feels great, but since I died, I can't see it." "So it kind of just goes haywire wherever." "So I gotta focus it and get in the specific spot." "But I can't see it, so I assume you mortals can't see it either." "How do you know?" "Well, did you take a shower today?" "Yes." "Did you notice anything on your towel?" "No." "Then you can't see it." "Oh, come on, really?" "My towel?" "Why?" "There are so many other places." "If you had a black light right now." "it would look like a dancehall in here." "What's up with the dog, seriously?" "Belle here is the best friend I've ever known." "She hangs out with me all day long, unlike my other friends who go to their stupid job and ignore me." "You stole someone's dog?" "I didn't steal her." "She's free to go whenever she wants." "Right, Belle?" "I'm going to bed." " Just get rid of it, okay?" " Nope." "Unless it takes ghost-dog shits and eats ghost-dog food, then get rid of it." "Why do I like you?" "Just get rid of it." "I'm going to bed." "Good night." "Do what you must." "The dog's staying." "Good night, man." "Nice tuxedo, man." "He likes your coat." "You want to hear the strangest part?" "I think this lady must be a freak." "I found some of her ladies' things in my husband's briefcase." "And I was gonna totally bust him on it, but I don't think I have enough evidence." "Don't break it." "Dude, sorority fucking row... amazing." "What are we doing later?" "'Cause the Sigmas are having a 10:00 mixer and those filthy fucking whores are sausage wallets." "We are not doing anything." "Seriously, what are we doing, dude?" "Look, there's something I gotta tell you." "Spit it out, Rain Man." "I'm kind of going out with your cousin." "What?" "What cousin?" "Your cousin Krista." "Pissta Krista?" "I should have fucking known, man." "This whole time you were tiptoeing around, acting all weird." "And I just thought you were out sucking dude dick or you had some fat broad on the side you were trying to hide from me." "I don't want you dating her." "I don't think you have a choice." "How in the shit do I not have a choice?" "Well, you're kind of dead." "Wait a minute." "Where did you even see my cousin at?" "Where was it, Will?" "At your funeral." "My funeral?" "Did you even take a minute to mourn me or did you just stampede your dick into my family members?" "I didn't fuck her, okay?" "You didn't fuck her?" "What, did you just finger her in the bathroom?" "Did you eat her out on top of the fucking casket?" "Fuck you." "All right, well, I gotta go." "You gotta go." "Prick." "You've been busy, huh?" "Yeah, I have been, kind of." "You holding up okay?" "Yeah, I've been hanging in there, I guess." "You suck!" "Is there something wrong?" "Uh, no no." "I'm just..." "I was just a little flustered when you mentioned Belcher, that's all." "That's bullshit." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "There's just been so much going on." "I'm just feeling a little squeezed out lately, you know." "You're a cousin-fucker!" "I'm going to the bathroom." "Okay." "I knew you were here, you fuck." "I can't believe you're getting all wah-wah with my little cousin at the fucking bar." "Wah-wah?" "What, is that supposed to be porn music?" "What are you trying to imply with your shitty sound effects?" "You know exactly what I'm trying to imply, Will, exactly what I'm trying to imply." "And for your information, that was a perfectly dead-on porn recreation." "Not that it's any of your business, but I was nowhere near bow-chicka-bow-bow with Krista at the bar." "And that's how you do porn music." "You have an ugly penis." "Well, don't fucking look." "Whatever, man." "Just stop getting all chicka-pow-pow with my little fucking cousin at the bar." "That is "Seinfeld" music, you dipshit." "And you know what?" "For your information," "I'll chicka-chicka-chicka-pow with whoever I want to whenever I want to wherever I want to." "110% with you, huh?" "Belcher out." "Did you just say that?" "Belcher out?" "Get the cum out of your ears, bitch lips." "Well, maybe if you stopped sticking your dainty-cake ghost dick in my ear," "I'd be able to hear a little better." "Yeah, fuck you too, greaseball." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah, everything's fine." "Where were we?" "Well, I mentioned Scotty and you kind of freaked out a bit, so I won't do that again." "Yeah, let's not talk about Scotty Belcher anymore." "Whoa, getting a little frisky there, William." "Yeah." "Bow-chicka-bow-bow." "Okay, easy there, tiger." "Look, I've been thinking a lot about what you asked me." "But before I answer you, I want to make sure that you're 100% over Tammy." "Krista, I am completely over her, 100%." "Well, if you're absolutely sure, then my answer is yes," "I will move in with you." "Great." "Great." "This is..." "this is great." "God damn it." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Get upstairs." "Okay, let's go upstairs." "Okay." "You're a motherfucking cousin-fucker... a motherfucking cousin-fucker." "Is anybody else in this room related to me?" "Well, stand in fucking line, 'cause this is a cousin-fucker right here." "He's banging everybody." "Do you share D.N.A. with me?" "Well, sit on his dick." "Prick." "Are you okay?" "Uhhh." "I just, you know..." "I think I just want to take it slow." "Mm-mm, it's a shame." "That came to a screeching halt." "It seemed like it was gonna be fun too." "That looked neat." " Okay." " Okay." "Sweaty for no reason." "Oh, it stinks in here, like a lot." "Oh yeah, let's..." "everything is fine." "Let's just get some sleep." "Mess with an asshole, you have to deal with some shit." "All right, we have to come to some type of resolution here." "Oh, real mature." "You're ignoring me?" "I'm the only contact you have with the living world and you're not even gonna talk to me?" "Dude, she's fucking moving in, man." "I just can't accept that." "Well, you're gonna have to accept it." "Otherwise I'm gonna call Father Merrin in here and exorcise your ass." "You wouldn't." "Why wouldn't I?" "Krista's really hot." "You're dead to me." "Yeah?" "Well, you actually are dead to me." "I'll kill you." "You gotta be kidding me." "You're gonna kill me?" "You were just threatening to kill me by calling that guy from "The Exorcist."" "Well, I'm sorry to inform you, but you're already dead." "Yeah, but you're trying to make me more dead." "Who knows where I'd end up if I become more dead?" "I could end up in purgatory, hell, or maybe even fucking Delaware, dude." "Do you want me to end up in Delaware?" "Whoa, nobody is going to Delaware, okay?" "I'm gonna ask you real nicely." "I really like Krista and I think we're good together." "Will you please please try for me?" "Come on." "All right, I will try to make it work, but I'm not gonna like it." "Good." "Now I won't have to exorcise your stinky ghost ass." "You'd have to exercise your fat fucking face to the gym." "Your cousin likes me." "Ew." " Hey." " Oh, hey." "Awesome." "Thank you." "Let's take this off." "You gotta be kidding me." "What the shit is that monstrosity?" " It looks great." " Well, don't lie to the poor girl." "The damn thing looks like a retard on a pogo stick finger-painted it." "Dude, where are your balls, man?" "She just moved in and already this place looks like the Golden Girls live here." "I think a Care Bear blew up." "I'd rather eat a Band-Aid." "You make me want to vomit." "And any more gay shit like that and you might as well be neutered." "Don't give me that stink eye." " Is this level?" " Sure is, yeah." "Oh, "Desperate Housewives" is on." "Awesome." "Jesus." "You want some popcorn?" "Sure." ""Desperate Housewives"?" "I'm taking this." "Dude, give me that back." "Do you want Krista to walk in and see a remote control floating in mid-fucking-air?" "You can have this remote when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers." "Come on, man." "That's my remote." "Forget you, man." "I'm going to the sorority house." "I hear Pam's new boyfriend is coming over." "And if what Gina and Chrissie say is true, she's gonna be putting out." "I'm not sure how I feel about Tom though." "And Gina doesn't seem to like him either, but what does she know anyway?" "She's been screwing around with Bosworth, and he's a Phi Psi." "The guy is like a walking Petri dish." "Enjoy your "Desperate Housewhores."" "You're a fallopian tube." "Want me to do a striptease for you, baby?" "You bet your tid-bitties, I do." "You like these?" "Oops." " Who put that floor there?" " I don't know." "You want me to give you a lap dance?" "Yes, so badly." "I hate you." "Oh my God." "Oh, Mommy, Mommy." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Take it off." "Whoo-hoo!" "I dare you two to make out." "I dare you two to make out." "And... hey," "I dare you two to make out too." "My God, this guy's a genius." "Fuck it." "How is it goin', Samoan?" "Dude, could we get some more suckers over here to hustle some money with cards tonight?" "The girls at the sorority house are on break and I got nothing to do." "I am bored as shit." "Sorry, man, Krista and I are going out for dinner tonight and maybe some Quizzo." "We're defending champions from last week." "Dude, come on, man." "Can't you reschedule or something?" "Sorry, man." "Why don't you just hang out with the boys or something?" " I mean, where are they?" " I think they went to go hang out in houses that weren't pollinated with vagina." "Good for them." "Sorry, I guess you're on your own tonight." "Shut up." "You can suck it, Will." "You can suck it." "Krista's probably gonna suck it. the finest ghost fucking on the web." "Oh, Belch, you are a son of a bitch." "And I'll take my steak rare." "I like it "Kill Bill" bloody." "A fine choice." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "After this week" "I could really throw back some wine." "You don't have to twist my arm." " How is everything?" " Good." "I hope they got the steak right." "So few restaurants know how to cook a steak rare these days." "Oh my God, this thing is practically alive." "Compliments to the chef." "All right." "Cheers." "Okay, folks, it's our last and final round." "We need someone to step up to the forefront or Floppy Old Man Nuts are gonna win once again." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "What's up?" "What's up, motherfuckers?" "Yeah, Floppy Old Man Nuts all up in your grills." "You'd better recognize." "Our final round topic is '90s sitcom shows." "What?" "Oh my God, you guys are fucked." "You are fucked fucked fucked." "Floppy Old Man Nuts are gonna be teabagging every one of you people in here." "Yeah!" "Fuck off." "I don't feel so good." "All right, folks, our next question this evening:" "A young Matthew McConaughey and Ben Affleck were featured in this all-time stoner flick." "A young Matthew McConaughey and Ben Affleck were featured in this all-time stoner flick." "Well, hi, Will." "Tammy." "How are you?" "I've been okay, I guess." "You?" "I'm fine, I guess." "Who is she?" "She looks familiar." "That's Krista..." "Belcher's cousin." "I miss you." "Oh, Krista, this is Tammy." "All right, folks, the next question:" "Who played crackhead..." "I'll be right back." "Who played crackhead Pookie in "New Jack City"?" "How long are we gonna keep doing this?" "Doing what?" "This." "How long are we gonna keep faking it before we give in, Will?" "You know, we're only human." "Why are you still here?" "Are you okay?" "You don't look so good." "You're not one of those bulimic girls, are you?" "No, you're much too heavy for that." "You'd better end this game fast, Will." "I'm not waiting for you forever." "What?" "Sir, we need your scorecards now, please." "Oh, what was with last night?" "I don't know." "I never lost in Quizzo like that before." "We should have cleaned house." "Not that." "What was with your slut ex-girlfriend?" "She was, like, stalking you." "Are you sure there isn't something you want to tell me?" "What?" "Yeah, actually." "You know what?" "There is." "How about next time you control your booze instead of acting like a retarded skank on spring break?" " Are you serious?" " Yeah, I'm serious." "If you weren't in the bathroom puking your guts out, we would have won." "Oh my God." "I don't feel well right now, so I'm not even gonna get into this conversation with you." "Fine." "Great." "See you later." "Ow." "Ow." "Oh!" "Hey, Rollo, thanks for taking me to happy hour tonight." "I needed that." "Shh." "Yeah!" "Yo, brother, you like your party?" "I knew you and the skirt were on the outs, so I figured get you some new meat, get your carrot wet... young girls, impressionable, possibly daddy issues." "Sounds like a party to me." "Party!" "All these girls look like they're in high school." "Exactly." "Hell, I picked up most of them at the junior high playground." "No, seriously, they all think you threw this." "Look alive." "Cut a rug." "Dude, we're all having a good time but you." "Now check this out..." "I am rock solid underneath this." "I've got something for you upstairs." "Come on, trooper." "Suit up, dick meat, unless you want me to get everybody to leave." " No, let's go party." " Yeah!" "Now let's have a beer bong!" "I'm so glad you finally came to your senses." "Belcher is gone." "Krista's gone." "It's just us now." "Those emails you sent me the past couple of weeks have been driving me crazy." "Emails?" "What?" "Shh, no more talking." "Wait wait." "No, I gotta go." "I gotta go." " Hey, man." " Oh." "You set this up, didn't you?" "I knew it." "I knew it." "Fuck you, man." "Get the fuck out of my house." "You're always all about your own agenda." "Just get the fuck out." "I swear to God." "You know what?" "Fuck you." "You're the only person who could see me and you chose not to." "So go crawl your ass back to your fucking dick mitt Tammy." " Get the fuck out, seriously." " Fuck you." "Asshole." "We just gotta get this out of the way." "On the count of three." "One, two..." "Hey!" "Who does that guy think he is, man?" "That's the K.K.K. snowboarder, man." "He can really party." "What the fuck?" "Just get out." "You guys just get out." "You're worthless." "You're fucking freaks." "All of you... one, two, three..." "get out of here." "I'm serious." "Out out out." "Get out!" "Get out of here." "And my best friend..." "my roommate... is fucking my goddamn little cousin." "Fucker." "I just don't know what to do anymore." "I just want somebody to tell me what... can you t... ?" "Seriously?" "Is there anybody I can talk to?" "Krista." "Krista, I love you." "Yo, what the fuck are you doing?" "Dude, I am so sorry you had to see this, man." "Karma's a bitch, huh, Will?" "What the fuck are you doing here?" "I came here to try and get you your girlfriend back." "I didn't know she was getting turned into Swiss cheese." "I thought you were supposed to be my best friend." "How can I even believe anything that you say?" "Dude, I know I'm a dick." "I always have been." "I've learned to deal with it." "But do you honestly think for a second" "I came in here to see these parts of my cousin... shit, your girlfriend?" "I'm upset right now... not for you, but for my poor eyes." "I feel like I was just raped for being in the room." "Ew a lot." "Dude, I love you, man." "You're my best friend." "You always have been." "There's nobody else." "That's it for me." "I feel the same way." "I love you, man, like, for real." "You're my best friend, my soul mate." "Does that "soul mate" seem too much?" "It's pretty gay, man." "It's pretty gay." "Really?" "I don't care." "You fucked this white boy up." "I'm out of here." "Fuck this." "Nothing else matters." "No, it doesn't." "Nothing matters at all." "You had a small dick anyway." "And you had a big vagina." "Dude, maybe you should go check on her." "She's crying her fucking eyes out." "Fuck her, Belch." "She just turned herself into a fucking double-stuffed Oreo." "I mean, where'd she get those guys from anyway?" "That's besides the point, man." "She's still my cousin." "And to be honest with you, I actually didn't see anything." "I got here a second before you did." "What?" "I kind of exaggerated a little bit." "You kind of exaggerated a little bit?" "I'd say that's a pretty fucking big overexaggeration, you dick." "You really think so?" "I'm pretty sure they came here to hide the sausage, bro." "What?" "I just assumed." "Look, I'm sorry I tripped you, but you gotta admit that was some pretty nasty business back there." "Fuck you, Will." "Don't you even start judging me after what you did." "I thought you were different, but you're still the same jerk you were that made fun of me and called me Pissta when we were kids." "Are you trying to tell me that what you think you saw at that party justifies you having a threesome with Murtaugh and Riggs over there?" "I didn't fuck those guys, you idiot." "Those are my neighbors." "When you called me," "I had them come over here to pretend to fuck me just to get you back." "What?" "You didn't fuck those guys?" "That's fantastic." "I didn't do anything with Tammy either." "It was this whole elaborate setup." "An elaborate setup by who, Will?" "By Tammy?" "You know, I'd really like to believe you, but I just..." "I can't take a chance that you're gonna hurt me again." "Krista... there's something I have to tell you." "Whoa whoa whoa, don't fucking do it." "What?" "I was just gonna..." "I know what you were gonna tell her." "Don't." "Don't even acknowledge I'm here." "Don't talk to me." "You want her back, right?" "Well, she's looking at you right now like you're Gary fucking Busey." "So just look pretty, dude." "You had something to tell me?" "Um..." " Tell her to give you a minute." " Just give me a minute." "All right, dude, seriously, listen to me." "I'm sorry about everything." "I fucked up, man." "But everything we just said back there..." "I meant it." "And I'm pretty sure you meant it." "But I'm a ghost." "You can't keep on fucking talking to the thin air." "You need something real, something tangible in your life, something that'll actually love you back." "You need Krista." "That's beautiful." "Will, are you okay?" "Tell her you said she's beautiful." "You're beautiful." "I think you're so beautiful." "I'm sorry what I said about your penis, Will." "I didn't mean it." "It's not small." "It's just the right size." "I'm tearing up over here." "It's beautiful." "It's like a fucking Hallmark Hall of Fame moment." "But your dick is still tiny." "Seriously, it's really small." "Like, you could fuck my pee hole." "Good luck." "No-o-o!" "No!" "Help!" "Argh!" "Will!" "Will!" "Will!" "This just in..." "flight 769 crashed leaving Las Vegas early this morning due to technical difficulties." "Most of the passengers were coming from the National Adult Video Awards." "The flight was said to have over 50 adult actresses from..." " Will." " ...the well-known "Ass Wrangler" series." " Dude." " No survivors were found." "Can you imagine how much ghost puss is gonna be down there?" "It'd be practically impossible not to fall into at least one of them." "Also in the news, a small problem or a big plus?" "Midget Olympics... could they be coming to your neighborhood?" "More on the story after the season premiere of "The Real Housewives of Cherry Hill."" "You gotta kill yourself." "Vegas, baby." "Come on." "God damn, I'm bored." "Dude, I don't care what you do, but I'm going to Vegas." "I'm gonna get knee-deep in some ghost poon." "I'll go with you, Belch." "All right."