"Hey hey, be careful with that" "That was our bed, you know, guys?" "I had heard that the Israelis had cornered the moving business like the Greeks with diners, but, I mean, it seems unusual, you know, to have Jewish movers" "Right?" "Doing such muscle oriented work?" "What are you, another self hating New York Jew?" "Mm hm Yes, I am Yeah" "Yeah No" "Bye" "Are you sure about this?" "You're saying this now, after the truck is loaded?" "I don't know Yes I don't know Yes I don't know I don't want to lose you" "See, this is the problem It's only because I'm out the door that you're finally asking me to stop" "It's like you don't take action until it's too late" "I'm taking action now Don't go" "Jonathan" "It doesn't matter" "Whoa, whoa, whoa What?" "I told you months ago that if we were gonna make this work you had to stop drinking and smoking pot" "And you didn't That was our deal" " It's dangerous to go cold turkey." "Oh!" "I'm down to white wine I can't help it, all right?" "I still like the way pot makes me think" "Maybe it's healthy Pot's not healthy" "They give it to cancer patients" "You don't have cancer Not yet" "Goodbye, Jonathan Let's go" "Please" "Come on I get it, all right?" "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm crazy" "I'll quit the pot And the white wine" " She left you?" "Yeah I'm an idiot" "Too much pot and white wine" "She was sweet I liked her But you gotta rebound fast" "That's the best cure I mean, just go on Craigslist" "Yeah, I don't know" "Maybe it's too soon I feel like" "Jojo, what did you do?" "Ah!" "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Ray" "That sucks, man I thought you guys were just mildly unhappy" "It happened all of a sudden She announced the move two days ago" "Are you destroyed?" "You gotta be destroyed, right?" "Are you destroyed?" "Last time I was heartbroken I felt like someone had put on my head one of those falcon hoods, you know, and all I could see was complete darkness" " A falcon hood?" "Yeah" "Anyway, why didn't you tell me?" "Because I thought she was bluffing" "I didn't think she would actually move out" "And then out of nowhere these super efficient Israeli mover guys show up" "All of a sudden it's like the raid on Entebbe in my own apartment" "Let me get my computer." "What is the raid on Entebbe?" "It's It was an Israeli tactical, uh, group of peop" "Fuck it, I don't know." "You used the words "falcon hood"" "I know what a falcon hood is Everybody knows what a falcon hood is" " Really?" "Yeah" "Falcon hood, anyone?" "Raid on Entebbe?" "OK, we're even" "Anyway, do you think you can get her back?" " No, I don't think so." "I feel like Suzanne started to think that I was a loser because I'm struggling to write, I mean, this second novel..." "Yeah, listen, just yesterday Leah was like," ""Why don't you teach art in a public school?" I'm not gonna teach art at a public school" "I don't wake up till 11am "Go teach art"" "But if you did teach it would be a steady income" "Don't be disgusting" "Those women were into us because we were artists" "And then reality hits and no money and no real future, and then, you know pfft" "Leah is gonna break up with me any minute now" " I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks." "We are losers" " We're not losers, OK?" "We are" "Look, you're gonna be on my website next week" "I made you a therapist Look at that" "I wish you'd made me someone more heroic" "You are heroic" "Therapists are heroic They're the heroes of listening" "Next time give me some big muscles, some superpowers" "At least in your comic I can be a hero" "Yeah, but look at that picture of me It's pretty cool, isn't it?" "Hello I saw your ad" "What?" "What ad?" "Craigslist, Missing Persons" "Yes, of course I'm sorry" "Most of my clients are word of mouth, so I forgot about my ad" "How can I help you?" "It's about my sister I think she's missing" "What do you mean, you think?" "She hasn't answered her phone for two days and her voicemail is full" "And I came up from Philadelphia to go to a concert with her and she's not in her dorm" "Where are you?" "Let's discuss this in person" "Rachel?" " Mr Ames?" "Yes" " Can I sit down?" "OK" "Very nice to meet you I'm really glad you found me on Craigslist" "I love Craigslist I use it for everything" "I didn't know what to do so I typed in "missing persons" and found you" "And you said your rates were reasonable?" "They're very reasonable" "They're $100 for the day" "I guess I can afford that" "Great OK Then down to business" " Do you have a picture of your sister?" "No" "Wait, I do on my phone" "Great" "Who's that?" "Her gross boyfriend Vincent" "What's gross about him besides that tattoo?" "I don't know He's English, and he's a bartender" " And he's old, like, 30." "That's not old I'm 30" "Anyway, they fight all the time" "My sister says even though Vincent is a total jerk, they have amazing sex" "Guys who are assholes are always the best at sex" "It sucks." "I don't know why the world is like that" "But nice guys can be good too, you know thoughtful, attentive, just loving" "Whatever." "I think Vincent's a meth head" "And she wanted to break up with him" "And maybe he went homicidal on her" "Break ups can be hard on a guy" "What?" "My girlfriend moved out today" "It's actually kind of upsetting Um" "Are you really a private detective?" "Yes I think the thing to do is find this Vincent" "Find him, we find her" "Cherchez I'homme I don't understand you" "Oh, instead of "cherchez la femme" I'm gonna try something different" "Cherchez I'homme Do you speak French?" "No, I'm taking Spanish" "Espanol It means "find the man"" " Where did Lisa meet Vincent?" "At the bar where he works" "The Parkside Lounge" "Everyone at NYU goes there because they don't card" "Hi, George Where are you?" "I'm working, uh, a job" "Don't forget you're working for me tonight It's important" "Right, I know I'll be there, OK?" "OK Bye" "Another case closed" "Are you really a professional?" "As I put in my ad, I'm not licensed" "But I will find your sister, I promise" "I want to help you" "I hope everything will be all right This whole thing is really weird" "Don't worry Get home I'll call you later tonight, OK?" "Penn Station" "Hey, Niko" "Where have you been?" "George is pissed He's drunk already?" "Don't pull that Anglophile bullshit, OK?" "He's pissed as in angry at you" "The party's almost over All we've got left are D list celebrities" "He wanted you to get good quotes for the party page" "I know I'm sorry I've had a bad day Well, what happened?" "Suzanne moved out, broke up with me" "I'm sorry to hear that It's all right" "How are you and Sam doing?" "Actually, we broke up too" "That's strange, that we should both be going through break ups at the same time" "Actually, I'm happier alone" "The only reason to be with somebody is to have sex" "I don't need sex When you're doing it, it's OK, but when you're not it's like, what's the point?" "Yeah, I guess" "Oh, here comes George I'd better get to work" "Do you have any pot?" "Uh, yeah Of course you do" "That's very clever of you" "That's what you used to do before you quit smoking pot" "That's why I thought it was clever I'm still off pot, by the way, except when you tempt me, which is very very bad of you" "What?" "This is my Viagra bottle" "What are you doing with marijuana in my Viagra bottle?" "You gave me that bottle months ago" "There were two pills left in it You told me I should try them" "Now I'm putting my pot in that Are you insane?" "What if you got arrested for marijuana possession?" "Page Six would have a field day" "I can't have" "Hello?" "Hello" "I can't have the world knowing that I use Viagra" "Do you really need to take so much?" " Yes, as a matter of fact I do." "My heart medicine and heavy drinking have taken a toll" "I'm not what I once was" "But I accept that It's called humility" "Then why are you back on pot?" "Because I'm bored" "God, I'm bored" "Death by a thousand dull conversations" "I don't know what's going on, almost everybody has bad wine breath tonight" "It's like Chernobyl out there" "Do you think we drink too much?" "No, no, we don't drink too much" "Men face reality and women don't" "That's why men need to drink That's a line from my novel" "Yeah, well, you stole it from me" "No, I didn't Yeah, actually you did" "Actually no, I didn't" " Fine, Jonathan." "Anyway, Suzanne moved out today, because she says I drink too much" "Well, I'm not surprised" "Why do you say that?" "Because you're like me, Jonathan" "We enthral and then we disappoint" "It used to take me several years Now it's a couple of weeks" "If I'm with a woman longer than that then there's something wrong with her" "But why?" "Why are your relationships so short now?" "Ah Well, I" "I don't lie as well as I used to, I guess" "Well, that means you're more honest" "No" "These one hitters should really be called three hitters" "You can steal that line too if you want" "Well, I hope that answered your question Thank you" "Parkside Lounge, Manhattan" "Is Vincent Ellis working tonight?" "What would you like?" "Uh, just some white wine" "No, wait Whisky, no ice" " Excuse me." "Yeah?" "I called earlier tonight Someone told me that Vincent started working at nine" "You spoke to me He called a little while ago, said he wasn't coming in" "Do you know where he might be?" "What do you want to know?" "Do you know where he lives?" "He's not listed in the phone book" "I'll tell you one thing, he's not home" "Can you tell me another thing then, like where he's at?" "He's at the Velma Hotel" "He didn't tell me, but it came up on the caller ID" "Thanks for the information You've been very helpful" "I've been laying off the whisky" "I've been on a white wine regimen, trying to save a relationship" "Good for you" "Is there a Vincent Ellis staying here?" "Vincent Ellis?" "Fuck you" "Have you seen these two?" "Fuck you" "Come on, man, you don't have to curse so much" "Can I sit in the lobby and see if they come out for cigarettes or something?" "No, you can rent a room 60 for three hours, 90 for the night" "You do that, you can sit in that chair" "Do people use their real names in this place?" "Did I miss anything?" "Did they go out?" "Don't say it" "I saw the man He went out and came back in already, with beer" "Wait, what about the girl?" "No girl" "What room is he staying in?" " 313." "Vincent?" "Vincent Ellis?" "What the hell is going on out here?" "Nothing I'm sorry" "You want a date, baby?" "I just had a client cancel on me" "You know, I can't right now, but thank you" "Um" "What the fuck is going on?" "Are you Vincent Ellis?" "No" "It's OK It's OK I'm here to help you Your sister sent me Everything is fine" " I'm a private detective." "What?" "Eh?" "Wait, whoa, whoa Get out of my room" " Put that out." "Put that out." "Get out of our room" "Go on" " Put that out, come on." " Get out of our fucking room." "Come on!" "Vincent, no!" "Go on!" "Who the fuck is calling you?" "Can you wait one second, please?" "It's my boss calling." "I'm gonna answer it." "He hates if I don't answer it" "Hello, George Ames, I'm craving marijuana I can't sleep" "You got me started again Can you come over?" "Don't blame me You're the one who asked for pot at the party" "But I really can't come over right now" "Don't be a milquetoast Where are you, Brooklyn?" "Hop in a car service I'll pay" "Are you at a party?" "Are there women?" "Get out" "Uh, I have to go, George No, I'll come to you" "I have to go, George Bye Who the fuck are you?" "I'm a private detective." "Rachel Klein asked me to look for Lisa" "Why is she tied to the bed?" "I don't believe you're a detective" "Well, I'm not a licensed private detective" "I'm a writer" "Ah Well what kind of writer?" "A novelist, some journalism" "But I've been struggling with my second novel They're the hardest to write" "I write Yeah, I write songs" "It's really what I want to do with my life" "That's cool" "But listen, what's going on?" "Lisa's sister is really worried" "They were supposed to go to a concert" "Well, I'll tell you what's going on" "She broke up with me I'm trying to put things back together" "Really?" "My girlfriend broke up with me" "She moved out today I'm pretty upset" "And you just let her go?" "That's not cool You have to be a man when that happens" "Are you kidding me?" "Yeah, yeah, I let her go" "Why is Lisa tied to the bed?" "I don't like the looks of that" "Well who are you to judge?" "Eh?" "We're role playing Yeah Stockholm syndrome" "That's why we got this sleazy room, to make it authentic" "Huh I've always been intrigued by Stockholm syndrome" "It makes me think of my childhood" "Yeah, well, she's supposed to fall in love with her captor" "In this case, fall back in love Hm" "I should have tried that" "Can I come out now?" "All right But you'd better be cool" "What's that smell?" "Meth" "Oh, come on, man, you can't smoke meth" "It's all chemicals I have pot It's natural It's better for you" " Can I have a hit?" "Yes" "Do you want a hit?" "Can we take the washcloth out of her mouth?" "No, we need to stay in our roles" "Also she still wants to break up with me and I really don't want to hear about it" "My girlfriend broke up with me because she says" "I smoke too much pot and drink too much white wine" "She's right" "How can you love someone if you're in a fog the whole time?" "You want a hit of meth?" " I've never, but if..." "Police!" "Shit Fuck Uh, coming" "Um Get rid of this" "Open up" "OK" "Can I help you, officers?" "There was some kind of fight going on up in there" "Excuse me" "Oh, God Clears throat)" "Are these two men abusing you?" "I'm fine They're not abusing me" "That is my ex boyfriend Don't say that" "But I don't even know who that guy is" "I think there's something wrong with him All right, step out in the hallway, sir" " I was just trying to help." "Uh huh" "I'm a writer Mm hm, let's go" "So let me ask you why'd you pull this Craigslist stunt?" "For the money?" " No, not at all." "I wasn't in my right mind, OK?" "My girlfriend just broke up with me I don't wanna hear about your love life" "I actually lost money on this whole thing I forgot to tell the little sister about expenses" "In the books I've read, the private detective always asks for expenses" "I've spent 80 on bribes, 60 on a hotel" "All right, shut up Listen" "You didn't actually break any laws" "And the girl and her boyfriend are not filing a complaint, after all" "Whew So we'll do some paperwork" "I'm not breaking up with you, but you had better get that tattoo changed" "I'm sick of looking at that "Lisa" right on your belly" " It's your name!" "Um" "But that's the other Lisa Can you wait one second, sir?" "Just" "Lisa Lisa!" "Call your sister and let her know you're all right" "Or I can call her I already called her, asshole" "Thanks for not pressing charges" "What is your problem?" "I was just" "Don't you ever pull a stunt like this again" "If you go back on that Craigslist and impersonate an investigator, you're gonna end up in Rikers" "And I don't see you thriving in that environment" "Hey We gotta sit outside" "Some early morning post natal yoga class exploded" "It's like a nursery in there I got you coffee" "Thank you" " OK, so look." "I'm glad you called me, cos I want to talk to you too" "You can go first, but I gotta tell you I had a really wild night last night" "OK, let me go first and then you, OK?" "So I'm at Leah's last night I'm laying in bed I'm waiting for her to put her kids to sleep" "Last night was supposed to be the night that we, you know, broke our cold streak sexwise" "So she's putting her kids to sleep and I'm waiting and I'm thinking," ""I want to be put to sleep." "I want to be tucked in" ""I want to be the only child in a woman's life"" "So anyway, I'm waiting She finally comes to the bedroom around 10:30 and she goes," ""Can I shut my eyes for ten minutes?"" "That turns into the rest of the night." "She was out cold" " That's terrible, but you would not believe..." "I'm not" "Oh, I'm sorry Do you want to say" "No, no, if you're not OK, just let me" "So then I leave around one am" "She's been calling all morning "How can you abandon me?" ""How can you be so insensitive to my abandonment issues?"" "And there's only so much that, you know" "It sounds so awful, but listen to me" "I got into a really What?" " There's Leah." "What?" "How dare you leave me in the middle of the night like a one night stand?" "One night stand?" "I wish it was You should have stayed and held me" "What am I, a hot-water bottle?" "I'm a man I have needs" "You call this monogamy?" "I call it celibacy" "Those are big words for you" "Did you read them in one of your comic books?" "I read them in my diary" "Jane Lessing?" "Jonathan Ames" "Yeah, I believe I can help you"