"Wow, so that's what they're building, Colonel." "Yep, that's it." "But why just a few hundred yards outside of the camp?" "It's easy." "The Germans figure it won't be bombed there." "Yeah." "No, not from the air, they're right there." "All we need is a long match, really." "What could be nicer to blow up than a rocket fuel depot?" "( imitates explosion )" "It may not be that easy." "They'll have guards, lots of them." "They may even use prison guards." "Oh, that's gonna be rough, sir." "I mean, getting past a man like Schultz?" "Ooh, almost impossible." "How are we going to handle it, Colonel?" "I don't know yet." "It's a little soon." "As a personal favor, Colonel, could we blow it on Bastille Day?" "You know, you can say what you like about the Nazis, but anybody that'd put a rocket fuel depot in our reach can't be all bad." "But, General von Heiner, you want to make it easy for them to blow up the rocket fuel depot?" "No." "Of course not." "Right, General." "I want it to appear easy." "Aha." "That's very clever, General von Heiner." "Make it appear easy." "We're setting a trap, Klink." "Do you know why?" "Of course, sir." "Why?" "Because there's been much too much sabotage in this area." "Because they've been blowing up everything." "And because you have been sitting right in the middle of it, Klink, and doing nothing." "If I could just point out, sir..." "Absolutely nothing." "Yes, sir, absolutely nothing." "Berlin has been forced to send someone with brains into this situation." "A clever mind heads this band of saboteurs, Klink." "It'll take one far more clever to trap them." "You see?" "Oh, my compliments to Berlin for their choice, sir." "We will be at Stalag 13 tomorrow to review your guards." "Have them ready." "Extreme readiness, extreme readiness." "The depot will be ready in three days." "After the trap is baited, we wait... for the fox." "He has no chance, sir." "No chance at all." "Dismissed, Klink." "Thank you, General von Heiner." "One moment." "Uh, yes, Frau von Heiner?" "Fraulein, and not von Heiner." "Of course, of course, of course." "Tell me... at, uh, Stalag 13, you are still holding a, uh, Colonel Hogan?" "Oh, yes." "Colonel Hogan, he is the senior officer of the prisoners of war." "Mm-hmm." "You know this Colonel Hogan, Marya?" "But of course." "Then I'm jealous." "Oh..." "But not in the way I know you, Bobo." "Not in the way I know you." "Well, until tomorrow." "Now, General von Heiner, you will notice our perfect security." "You take away their hope for escape, you take away their will to escape." "( dogs barking )" "They are docile, sir." "( dogs barking )" "Completely cowed." "From every other prison camp, they fly away like birds." "But here, not one escape, sir." "Not one escape." "Oh, I do hope when you have an opportunity, sir, you will mention this in Berlin." "Klink, I'm not interested in the keeper of the jail." "She is here, Colonel." "Marya." "She has come to see me." "Marya?" "Do you think she has come to see me?" "Who's with her?" "Some General." "A German General?" "It means nothing to her." "I can tell." "The important thing is she is here." "I don't like it." "You mean the White Russian, Colonel?" "From Paris?" "I don't trust her." "Even if she is married to him, I trust her." "Kinch, go tune in to Klink's office." "I want to hear what this is all about." "Right." "Colonel Hogan." "Uh, later, Schultz." "I'm busy right now." "Colonel Hogan, you are wanted immediately in Commandant Klink's office." "Can't make it." "Look..." "Not only Commandant Klink wants you-- also General Frederick von Heiner." "Why does he want me?" "No one asked for me?" "Why should they?" "Hey, Schultz, do me a favor." "Wait over there." "I'll be right with you." "No, no, no, no!" "My orders are specific." "Okay, I'll let you in on our plans." "I'll wait over there." "Now, listen." "This is for everybody." "There's a very good chance that we have been sold out by somebody who knows all about our operation here." "Never." "A very good chance." "I want you to listen in to Klink's office." "If we've been sold out, don't wait for me." "Everybody down the tunnel and out." "Everybody." "And that's an order." "So long." "Very nice lady friend you got there, I must say." "She is with us completely." "Then what's she doing with a Nazi general?" "Slumming?" "( knocking ) Come in." "Come in." "Colonel Hogan reporting as requested, Commandant." "At ease." "General von Heiner, Colonel Hogan." "Delighted." "And Marya, I believe, you already know." "Well?" "It's possible." "You meet so many women in a place like this." "( laughing )" "You see, Bobo, I told you." "He's a fun person." "I see." "( Klink laughing )" "Always laughing and singing, but thoroughly cowed, sir." "Thoroughly cowed." "Colonel Hogan, would you come here, please?" "What would you say this is?" "Looks like a map, sir." "Most amusing." "This is Stalag 13." "And this?" "You tell me." "This is a rocket fuel depot, newly constructed." "You certainly can read a map, sir." "Colonel Hogan, let us play a little game." "You are in contact with a band of saboteurs operating in this area." "Now, General von Heiner, I can assure you..." "Your name is Hogan?" "Oh, no, sir." "Klink." "Wilhelm Klink." "Remember that." "Yes, I shall remember that." "Klink." "A rocket fuel depot would offer a most attractive target." "Would it not?" "May I ask the General why you're asking me these questions?" "Oh, certainly." "Marya has hinted that, though you may be in seclusion here, you are not exactly in retirement." "He forced it from me, darling." "But, General von Heiner," "I can state categorically... that my name is Klink." "Yes, sir." "Klink." "I shall remember." "Now, you are curious as to what I intend to do?" "Not if it's top secret, sir." "Oh, not at all." "The waiting game." "It is the tempting target." "Might also prove a trap." "One brain against another." "Could it be yours?" "And, while we are waiting, we shall have fun." "Bobo, darling, I'm planning a champagne supper tonight at the hotel in Hammelburg, second floor." "Marya, you know I shall be at the fuel depot tonight." "I know." "Well, if there's nothing more, General." "One minute, Hogan." "Klink... this belongs to you?" "W-W-What's that, sir?" "A listening device." "Someone is hearing every word said in this office." "That's impossible." "We shall have it traced." "Have it traced, General." "That's a marvelous idea." "Sergeant Schultz!" "And, if it leads where I suspect it will lead, the waiting game is over." "Such a pity." "Such a fun person." "All right, pull!" "And fast!" "You still see it, Schultz?" "Definitely, Herr Kommandant." "It goes under the boardwalk, and now here it comes out, and goes up the pole-- which is very fortunate because, for a man of my age and size..." "Never mind, Schultz." "Just follow the wire." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "As you can plainly see, it goes up the pole, to a point where it... ends?" "How could it end?" "How could it end, Schultz?" "Just that." "It ends." "Gestapo job, sir." "Did you say Gestapo?" "Remember that time they were checking out your loyalty, sir?" "Which time?" "Never mind." "It's a Gestapo job, General von Heiner." "Perhaps." "Am I still under arrest, sir?" "No." "You may go, Hogan." "But, uh, I'm not-- repeat, not-- finished with you yet." "And neither am I, Bobo." "Neither am I." "Well?" "Well, what do you think?" "Clark Gable." "Carter." "I know Clark Gable." "I've seen every picture." "To you, he's Clark Gable, but what's he gonna be to General von Heiner?" "I'm gambling that he's not going to be there." "Just the Russian." "And she is definitely on our side." "I feel it." "LeBeau, I've been meaning to have a little talk to you about girls." "Things your mum and dad should have told you at home." "I would stake my life on her." "But what about mine?" "And mine?" "It's kind of a disturbing thought." "Yeah, you think just because she gave you a smile..." "Oh, come on!" "All right, hold it." "This little visit's a calculated risk." "Got to find out how much the Russian's told von Heiner." "Nothing." "Oh, come on." "( all arguing ) What about the French?" "What are you talking about?" "HOGAN:" "All right, hold it, fellas." "If she's told him everything she knows, we're apt to end up in front of a firing squad." "Don't think she's done it yet, but we've got to find out." "One thing more-- I appreciated the fact that you didn't bail out this morning when von Heiner found the bug in Klink's office." "But, this time, if we're not back by midnight, evacuate the camp." "That's an order." "Forget about appearances." "She's with us, I know." "Yes?" "We're here to fix the sink." "Huh?" "Clark Gable Hogan, come in." "Shh!" "You alone?" "Of course." "Where have you been, Hogan, darling?" "I've been waiting and waiting." "I'm here, too." "And my small one, more handsome than ever." "How can I keep my hands off of you?" "Oh, do not try." "Let's get down to business." "LeBeau, look out." "Now?" "I'll make it up to you later." "I believe you." "Will you open the champagne, Hogan, darling?" "I didn't come to drink champagne." "I came to find out how much you told von Heiner about Stalag 13." "Or how much you intend to tell him." "Of course, Hogan, darling." "We will discuss everything after the champagne." "( cork pops )" "Champagne, LeBeau." "Ah, oui." "Excuse me." "A toast." "To victory." "Victory for who?" "Look, let's stop kidding around." "Whose side are you on?" "You don't trust me?" "No." "I don't know why." "We worked so well together in Paris." "I didn't trust you there either." "You're jealous of Bobo." "I couldn't care less." "Now, look, are we going to talk or not?" "Of course." "How are you going to blow up the rocket fuel depot?" "I don't know yet." "And, if I did, I don't think I'd tell you." "Aha!" "You will tunnel under it?" "Is that what you're going to tell von Heiner?" "Tell me, Hogan, darling, why are you so suspicious?" "( loud knocking )" "Von Heiner." "Tell him I'm a plumber." "He would never believe that I would be kissing a plumber." "What?" "I'll tell him you're my brother." "It is my brother!" "I believe you." "But General von Heiner has just arrived at the curb." "Oh, let's get out of here." "Just trust me." "I do." "You deserve each other." "Gor blimey!" "Take ahold of it, will you?" "Shh!" "Hey, Carter, do you have it?" "Be careful." "Okay." "Okay, that's good." "All right." "Set the timer for 2000 hours." "2000 hours." "Right." "That'll be during evening roll call." "I want everyone in plain sight when that bomb blows." "That the alibi, Colonel?" "Hardly." "Von Heiner might decide to shoot all of us on suspicion." "It's all set, Colonel." "Now, I figure we're about five feet under the main rocket fuel tank." "So, when this thing explodes, the explosion is going to go..." "All right." "Good." "Everybody grab these shovels." "Let's backfill this tunnel." "Why do that, Colonel?" "The explosion will do a better job than we can." "Two reasons: von Heiner may be looking for tunnels." "The Russian guessed we'd work that way." "She would never, in the entire world, do such a..." "HOGAN:" "Would you be quiet?" "The second reason:" "Whatever happens if they grab me-- and that's very possible-- that bomb goes as scheduled." "And that's an order." "This is one order" "I want to make sure is carried out." "If no one can get to the bomb, nobody's going to be tempted." "Sounds like you're expecting bad news." "I am." "Now, let's lean on those shovels." "War party coming, Colonel!" "Von Heiner, Klink, the girl and guards!" "Okay." "Everything out of sight?" "Everything shipshape, sir." "All right, just relax." "Don't do anything, don't say anything, whatever happens." "Achtung!" "At ease." "Colonel Hogan, how nice to find you at home." "I've been meaning to have you over, sir." "It seems we never see the people we really want to see." "That's very good." "Hey!" "Have you any idea what they're doing, Hogan?" "I think we can rule out maid service." "We can." "These men are experts at finding escape tunnels, radios, secret transmitters." "General von Heiner, we have never even had an escape from Stalag 13." "Not one!" "No." "Perhaps, if we find what we're looking for, you may be the first." "Beyond tearing up our dream house, General, what do you have in mind?" "Marya has made a most interesting suggestion." "Somehow, Colonel Hogan, General von Heiner has the idea that you're connected with an assault on the rocket fuel depot." "Really?" "Mysterious informant." "But, since he has these unfair suspicions," "I suggested you would be glad to serve as a hostage at the depot." "Hmm?" "( chuckles )" "And, uh, just when do I become a hostage, General?" "At 1800 hours, which is, uh, right now." "Take him away, Klink." "Take him away, Schultz." "Guards!" "You will stay here until you find something." "If you please, Colonel Hogan." "Thanks for thinking of me." "Oh, it was nothing." "What time is it, Schultz?" "7:30, which is to say it is 1900 and 30 hours." "I think." "Let me ask you a hypothetical question, Schultz." "No, because it has to do with you wanting to get out, and you cannot get out." "I cannot get out." "Colonel Hogan, there are soldiers out there." "Real soldiers." "For me, it is just a job." "And they have orders to shoot both of us if we leave this room." "So my answer is no." "It wasn't a question, Schultz." "No?" "No." "Question of philosophy." "Oh, philosophy." "Let's assume you were going to die." "Soon, or not so soon?" "Within the next half hour." "Colonel Hogan, please." "Would you want to be told or not?" "I do not want to talk about the whole question." "Okay, just asking." "Colonel Hogan, you're planning something." "Wish I wasn't." "Within the next half hour?" "You don't want to talk about it." "Colonel Hogan!" "( door unlocking )" "Hogan, darling." "I can think of a lot of people I'd like to see right now, but you're not one of them." "Fight me as long as you can, darling, I adore you for it." "Please, I hate to interrupt, but I have a rather pressing problem of a personal nature." "You are free to leave." "Oh, how can I thank you enough?" "With Hogan." "SCHULTZ:" "They will shoot us both." "Not if you get General von Heiner's permission." "Oh, excellent." "A wonderful man." "As a rule, between us," "I do not care too much for generals, but General von Heiner... hmm." "HOGAN:" "Wait a minute, Schultz." "What's the price for his permission?" "Nothing." "Just the time of the attack or the explosion." "What could be more fair?" "No deal." "But Colonel Hogan!" "You do not trust me." "Hardly." "Then I shall have to convince you." "Do that." "But you'd better make it fast." "I guessed that you would work by tunnel." "By now the explosive is already planted, no?" "And the time is close?" "Very close!" "Listen." "General von Heiner is waiting outside for news that you have cracked;" "that you are willing to betray the exact time of the attack." "So tell me now." "Why should I?" "Because, if you do, I will get you out." "Why should I believe you?" "Colonel Hogan, could it hurt you to believe her?" "He's right." "What have you to lose?" "( sighs heavily )" "Okay." "This whole place goes up at 2000 hours-- 8:00." "My men haven't had a chance to get to the bomb, even if they wanted to." "And there isn't time for anybody else to get there either." "It goes." "Just a few minutes?" "That should be enough." "Call General von Heiner." "I certainly hope the general is not tied up." "He is here." "So, Marya, you have had success?" "He is willing to sell his soul for safe conduct back to his prison before the battle." "Granted." "Now, from where are they coming, when and how many?" "South side... from the woods." "Not too imaginative." "How many?" "About 50 partisans, armed mainly with rifles." "Oh." "And when?" "Tonight?" "Yes, sir." "In about 15 minutes." "Well, we should be ready." "Marya, you take cover until it is over." "What about me, sir?" "You?" "You will stay here where I can keep an eye on you." "You promised safekeeping." "He's right, begging the General's pardon." "An informant talks to me of promises?" "Bobo, here he may be killed by a stray shot." "So?" "He is a well out of which much useful information may be pumped later." "Yes." "Even a worm has a use, huh?" "I should resent that, but I don't." "I volunteer to see the prisoner safely back to Stalag 13." "I shall go along." "Best of luck, Bobo." "Oh..." "Will you be in danger?" "A little target shooting." "And, Hogan..." "If your information is wrong, I shall be looking for you." "Yes, sir." "You certainly will." "What time is it, Schultz?" "Precisely 8:00." "HOGAN:" "We better join him." "Schultz!" "Hogan!" "What's going on here?" "What are you doing on the ground?" "Beautiful, Hogan." "Oh, you're a fun person." "Why'd you make it so hard for me?" "Why didn't you work with me instead of against me?" "Who cares about rocket fuel?" "They're not bombing Moscow with their rockets-- just London." "Then what were you after?" "We cannot trust Hitler to shoot all his own generals." "Some we must take care of ourselves." "Oh." "Bobo." "Oh, I am desolate." "Will you kiss me now or later?" "I think I'll make it later." "( chuckles ) Shy." "Desperately shy." "Herr Kommandant, Sergeant Schultz reporting." "I want answers, and I shall have answers!" "The Gestapo, the army-- everybody will be investigating what happened to the rocket plant within hours!" "Right, sir." "Wouldn't care to be in your shoes." "My shoes?" "!" "I definitely saw you and Schultz on the ground seconds before the blast as if you were expecting it." "Now, I shall include that in my report." "I wasn't expecting it." "Schultz was." "Colonel Hogan!" "Herr Kommandant, I..." "ESP." "Extrasensory perception." "I just found out about it myself." "The man is remarkable." "Schultz is?" "Mm-hmm." "You'll have to lose him now, sir," "They'll want him right next to Hitler." "Why?" "Best man in the world to have around in case of danger." "You make your report as you see fit." "ESP, huh?" "Amazing!" "Herr Kommandant, do you think, if I go to Berlin," "I would be in line for a promotion?" "Schultz, you're not going anywhere!" "We will not mention this to anyone." "The questioners will get nothing out of me." "Dismissed!" "Command decision." "They could use you at the front, sir." "You heard something?" "Schultz, did you...?" "Herr Kommandant..." "I will let you know when it happens." ""(End of Episode)""