"You take that back!" "I will not!" "Not after what you said about me in front of the manager." "Well, you deserved it!" "Especially after what you wrote about me in my peer evaluation." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies!" "Back off." "She had the nerve to tell the manager that I was the best damn maid who ever worked for Knock Knock Knock." "Well, she deserves that promotion." "How dare you lie to make me look good!" "I thought we were friends." "Besides, you've worked here longer." "You should get the promotion!" "You know I need to concentrate on rewriting my telenovela." "It's about a sexy maid who is constantly fending off the advances of her blond coworker's husband who can't keep his rough gardener hands off her." "I'm not saying you should take it." "I'm saying you should think about it." "Uh, I don't want to take the job, Burt." "Crew chief has to take to take crap from everyone." "The boss, your coworkers, the customers." "And you know taking crap pisses me off." "You just need to relax." "Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and think about a special place." "I'm not going to some fantasy place." "I've told you a million times." "I handle my own stressful situations my own way." "Did you see what I just saw?" " Delilah's back." " Surprise!" "The rivalry between my mom and her cousin Delilah started years ago." "when Maw Maw let Delilah treat Mom like a servant." "For years, Delilah took full advantage." "You're stupid." "And I hate you." " Until my mom finally had enough..." " Ginny!" "...and figured out how to stop her visits." "Maw Maw's dead." "Ghost!" "I cast you out, foul spirit!" "No?" "Not buying it?" "♪ Here we go ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "♪" "I can't believe you two." "Keeping me from my beloved Delilah just so you two can keep living in my house, just leeching off of me." "Yes, we live in your house." "Yes, we leech off you." "Yes, I thought I would come up with an excuse so it would make this all seem okay by the end of this sentence, but, no, I have not." "Maw Maw, we do not leech off of you." "We take care of you." "We even got you one of those custom necklaces so people know who to call when you get lost." "Considering what you two did, it's a miracle" "Maw Maw even found me." "I read the wrong number in my address book, and I called Delilah instead of Dr. Delaney, the euthanasianist." "Sometimes I get a pretty serious case of the Mondays." "Well, not anymore, Maw Maw, 'cause you got a new light in your life." "Unlike the darkness you've been living with." "Things must not be that sunny in Florida if you could just pick up and come all the way to Natesville." "Actually, they've been pretty good." "I've opened up a chain of solar-powered tanning beds called "Sun Tan."" "What we do is we harness the power of the sun to tan people." "Damn." "I got to hand it to her." "That's pretty revolutionary." "Well, Delilah, it's been nice catching up, but you probably want to beat the traffic getting back to the Hell Away from Us." "Oh." "I'm not leaving." "At least not until I help Maw Maw finalize the details of her reverse mortgage." "Reverse mortgage." "So that would be what?" "E-gag-trom?" "Oh, Burt." "You handsome simpleton you." "A reverse mortgage is a financially sound way for Maw Maw to get money out of her house now, so she can live it up while she's still alive." "Fonzie told me about it on TV." "I'm gonna get a nice fat check every month while I'm living it up down in Daytona with Delilah and her husband." "What?" "Maw Maw, you can't leave us." "We love you." "Oh, drop the lovey-dovey act, Ginny." "You two will be just fine." "That's the beauty of the reverse mortgage." "While Maw Maw gets to travel and do all the things she wants to do, you get to stay in the house for the life of the mortgage." "Or Maw Maw." "Whichever ends first." "You belong here with your family, not in some spring break swamp town full of nothing but drunk college kids having casual sex." "Drunk college kids and casual sex?" "What are we waiting for?" "Let's go." "Thank you so much for coming." "This is actually our first time interviewing babysitters, but you came very highly recommended." "You're too kind." "It's easy to be good when you love your work." "What we really need..." "We don't speak unless spoken to, child." "We have tickets to CoverFest this Saturday." "This year it's all hybrid cover bands." "The headliners are N.W.AC/DC and Red Hot Chili Vanilli." "It's written in blood." "It's written in blood." "You never have to worry about your child's safety as long as I'm here." "I customized it so there's no safety to slow me down." "We'd be happy to play with Hope forever." " And ever" " And ever" " and ever, and ever." " and ever, and ever." "I love kids." "I have four younger siblings who I basically raised." "I have a degree in Early Childhood Development and I'm getting my master's in Child Psychology." "Wow." "You seem..." "really qualified." "Pass." "I'm telling you, Burt." "The reverse mortgage, moving Maw Maw down to Florida." "I don't like any of this." "Delilah's never looking out for anyone but herself." "Virginia, you're too stressed." "I've told you, when you get like this, you got to do what I do." "I just close my eyes... and I drift off to a little tropical paradise in my head that I like to call Burt Island." "There, I'm a millionaire because I'm the only one who knows how to clean and filter the ocean." "A place where your cinnamon toast Italian hoagies grow on trees." "And there's a friendly islander who's just a little bit worse than me at foosball, so I always win." "Got you again, Pupukaka!" "And all the women are the most beautiful women I've ever seen." "Hi, Virginias." "Hello, Burt." "And aloha to you, Pupukaka." "And some of you are easy, some of you are too good for me." "Now you try." "You go to Virginia Island." "Okay, fine." "Mmm." "Hey, Ginny." "I thought being on a deserted island was supposed to make you lose weight." "God." "I can't do it, Burt." "It may work for you, but my head just won't let me go there." "It just takes practice." "You stick with it." "Here, have something sweet." "Help you calm down." "Where'd you get these?" "Out of the trash can." "Delilah threw them away, but they taste fine to me." "Burt... remember when Jimmy needed braces and we didn't have any money?" "What did we do to get it?" "We sold our blood every Wednesday for two years straight." "The only good thing about it was the delicious..." "Oh, my God." "These are blood bank cookies." "Aha." "Look." "Blood bank recovery juice." "She's selling her blood." "What kind of wealthy suntan mogul needs to sell her own blood?" "See, I was gonna say Delilah, but that's too obvious." "Uh... think, think, think, think, think." "No, it's Delilah." "Oh, damn it." "I was really close that time." "CPR training, president of the nutrition club, internship at a Danish interlocking toy block company?" "You're perfect." "You have no idea how many people we've seen." " You're hired." " Oh." "That's so cool of you, but..." "I got to ask you a few questions because I only sit for one family at a time, and I'm in, like, really high demand." "But you have to pick us." "Our only other option is a woman that has two hooks for hands." "Oh, I know Claire." "She's awesome." "We went zip-lining together." " Oh, yeah?" " Okay." "I'm texting you your first question now." "Oh..." "Those Daytona spring breakers have no idea who they'll be messing with." "Okay, Maw Maw, one more initial and you've got yourself a reverse mortgage." "Mmm." "Put the pen down, Maw Maw." "Why don't you ask Delilah here about how she's broke and just came here to scam you out of all your money." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I don't need Maw Maw's money." "Oh, really?" "Then how come you're selling your blood?" " Oh." " Oh, we got to quit ripping people's clothes off to prove they're liars." "This is like when you thought the mailman was a woman all over again." "Except this time" "I'm... right!" "Oh, thank God." "What do you have to say for yourself now, Delilah?" "Suck it, Ginny." "I can't believe you two!" "Here you are, grown women, and you're still fighting like when you were teenagers!" "Delilah started it when she came here trying to reverse cowgirl your mortgage!" "Oh, I had to!" "I got nothing!" "It turns out in the tanning bed industry you're always one irregular mole away from being Yelp'd out of the business." "Well, at least you've still got your husband." "No, he left me and re-enlisted." "He said he'd rather go back to clearing mines in Afghanistan." "That it's easier on his nerves." "Well, I'm done with this fighting." "You can both stay here, but the first one of you who's not nice to the other is out." "Of the house?" "And my will." "The one who is nicest longest gets... all of this." "Now hug it out, bitches." "...and, well, that's when I realized that" "I just really love this family and..." "I wanted to be Hope's mother forever, so I adopted her immediately." "That's a nice story." "So, a minute ago, you mentioned you have some licorice?" "Yeah, it's, uh..." "it's just in the cupboard." "Okay, here's the last question:" "red or black?" "Red?" "Final answer?" "Yeah?" "Congratulations." "I'm hired." "Really?" "That's amazing!" " Mmm!" " All right, so, uh..." "I guess we will see you on Saturday." "Oh, this Saturday?" "I can't do that." "The concert is this Saturday." "That's... why we wanted you in the first place." "I'm sorry." "I have a history project that's due on Monday, and I have to spend the weekend working on it." "History?" "We'll do it for you." "What?" "I need this, Jimmy." "I'm sorry." "You know how much I love that little girl, but I need some adult time alone with my adult husband so I can have adult drinks and do the adult things." "So, what are we doing this project on?" "Who wants the last piece of pie?" "You take it, Virginia." "It's obvious you're a big fan of pie." "Yes, I am." "I eat it with my husband all the time." "In local weather, lots of sunshine coming our way for the next few days." "Oh, I put some glue on the remote because you said next time you lost it, you would just glue it to your hand." "Oh, was that in jest?" "Because you might not want to touch your wallet, keys, or tampons." "Oh, my Lord." "Why the heck does my room smell like a cow's dumper?" "Oh, I wanted to brighten up the room for you with some flowers." "Don't worry, they're going to live a long time." "I used a lot of fertilizer." "No." "You know, they're not going to pay you extra if they can drink out of the bowl." "Sorry, I'd rather be here than at home." "Thanks to my cousin Delilah, cleaning toilets is now the best part of my day." "I know where you're at." "Try being married to a guy who decided to become a Cher impersonator at age 50." "Knock, knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your new crew member." "Well, if it isn't Slumdog Nothingaire." "Maw Maw insisted" "I take a job here alongside my new best friend." "Oh, my God." "We're gonna be together 24 hours a day." "Virginia Island, Virginia Island, Virginia Island." "Ah, that's nice." "What?" "No, no." "No." "I can't get it to work." "Maw Maw wants her eggs the way you were in high school, over easy." "I mean, bent over easy." "We're not having eggs, Delilah, it's dinnertime." "Oh, good, I love your cooking." "It's never rich, like you." " That's it." " Oh, Virginia, no, no, no, no!" "She wants you to hit her so she'll get the house." "What's that I hear?" "Oh, it's a bird only found on Virginia Island." "Koo-la-roo, koo-la-roo." "Now just take it all in." "I'm there serving you a drink buck naked just a suggestion." "I don't know what game you two are playing, but if Burt's naked, I'm all in." "Oh, God, I can't do the island thing, okay?" "I've never been a beach person." "Sand, sunscreen, and brightly colored towels it just stresses me out." "It doesn't have to be an actual island, just anyplace that relaxes you." "What makes you happier than anything else?" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay, it's working." " I'm on Virginia Island." " Yeah, it's working for me, too, only I'm on Burt Peninsula." "It's a lot like Florida, only Burt's naked and doing me like I owe him money." "Cha-ching." "Virginia can't hear you, Delilah, 'cause Virginia Island is surrounded by a soundproof bitch bubble." "Oh, good, you're here." "We can go over your project together." "So, um, that is your visual aid and here are your note cards." "I can't do this right now." "What do you mean?" "You said you had to finish your project by tonight so you could babysit for us tomorrow." "I'm sorry, I can't concentrate." "I was going to break up with my boyfriend on the way over here, but I lost my nerve and now he's waiting for me outside." "Okay, yeah, yeah, we can help you with that." "Jimmy, go break up with him." " Huh?" " Really?" "That would be great." "I don't think that..." " Jimmy." " Hmm?" "I hope I never have to say this to you ever again, but I need you to go outside and break up with that teenage boy for the sake of our marriage." "Is he a crier?" "A little bit." "I'll do anything." "It's not you, it's her." "Wow." "You were right, Burt, that was fantastic." "What me and Burt just did was fantastic, too." "He twisted me up like a little, soft pretzel." "Introduced my ankles to my ears." "I did not make any such introductions." "Oh, Delilah, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time." "I'm not having a hard time." "Your face is having a hard time distinguishing itself from your behind." "You are ugly, fat, poor, poor, fat, ugly." "You said that one already." "You live with your grandma." "This is just getting sad." "No, what's sad is that you think you have won this house." "You have no idea who you are messing with, sister." "Maw Maw, Virginia just broke my arm!" "Don't worry, Ginny, no one's pressing charges here." "Maw Maw, she did it to herself." "You got to believe me." "Stop lying, Virginia." "I couldn't break my own arm, and my bones are like blackboard chalk." "The rules were clear." "Delilah gets the house." "What?" "Thank you, Maw Maw." "Don't worry, Ginny," "I just want you to know that you and Burt are welcome to live here as long as you want, assuming you sleep in Jimmy's room, pay rent, and live by my rules." "Another piña colada?" "Thank you, Virginia Number Seven." "Need you on the mainland, Burt." "Oh, man, van living was much easier when we were in our 20s." "I want to do it, Burt." "Okay, but you're going to have to do most of the work." "I can barely move." "No, not that." "I want to take the promotion." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, we're too old for you to be driving me to work in our house." "Well, I'm proud of you." "You know, this wouldn't be our house if we just stayed with Jimmy and Sabrina." "No way." "It's one thing to mooch off my grandmother." "I'm not about to mooch off my own son." "I have pride, Burt." "Car wash is open." "Let's go sneak a shower." "Okay, Ashley, uh, we'll be home around 1:00." "You guys have fun." "And, Hope, Ashley's in charge, so you got to listen to her, all right?" "You got to go to bed when she tells you to." "Yeah." "Mwah." " She feels a little bit warm." " Nah, she's fine." "She's just running around outside for the last hour." "You're right, you're totally right." "So, Ashley, you have our numbers." "Please feel free to call with absolutely anything." "Don't worry, have fun." "CoverFest!" "Ooh, you know what?" "Maybe I should just show her where the chewable aspirin is just in case." "Oh, I think after the charts and the second walk-through, she knows where more stuff in our house is than I do." "You're right, I'm sorry, let's just go because CoverFest only happens once a year." "CoverFest!" "I don't know." "Sabrina, let's not overreact." "When I was a kid, my parents went to Lollapalooza even after I swallowed a jar of pennies." "And I was fine, although when I pooped, it sounded like the jackpot from a slot machine." "Yeah, I heard it as I said it." "Hey, Ashley." "Do you like Maroon Five for Fighting?" "Look who it is." "I guess a week of living in the van was enough to force these two to come crawling back." "Don't worry." "We're just here to pick up some things." "Then we're gonna go look at apartments." "I hear they have exposed brick and high ceilings under the 8th Street Bridge." "For your information, we're looking for a real apartment." "The kind of apartment you can afford when you're married to the new Knock Knock Knock crew chief." "You actually went after that promotion?" "I thought you were afraid you couldn't deal with people." "Yeah, after Burt taught me his trick for taking crap," "I wasn't scared anymore." "Funny thing is, once I started," "I never even needed Virginia Island." "I gave the clients a cleaning form so we wouldn't miss things they wanted us to do." "And I got Knock Knock Knock to give everyone an extra 15 minutes at lunch to take care of personal matters." "And then the handsome gardener turned to the sexy maid and said, "Take me, take me now."" "Turns out, if the clients aren't mad and the workers aren't mad, the bosses aren't mad." "So you're going to keep the job?" "Yeah, I'm pretty good at it and I actually kind of like it, too." "Good." "Get out." "What?" "I only invited you here to light a fire under Virginia." " You planned this?" " Of course." "When you're lucid, you are scary lucid." "Wait a minute, so you just used me so this one could become a better maid?" "Yep, I always knew she could do it." "Someone just needed to push her so she could find out for herself." "Information I could have used before I broke my own arm." "Just so you know, if I catch you getting lazy again, I'm telling her about the Nazi gold Wilfred buried in the yard." "Wow." "Maw Maw's just an eye patch and a Persian cat away from being a supervillain." "I'm glad we take such good care of her." "Keeps us on her good side." "So you never told me how you finally got Virginia Island to work?" "Well, it's not actually an island." "It's more of a place where... you see nothing but the most beautiful sky full of stars, and the only sounds you hear are crickets, and when you take a breath, you smell the most delicious barbecue," "and all my favorite people are there just doing what we always do." "That sounds like our backyard on a Saturday night." "There is one difference." "Hey, what's wrong with you?" "Even in your fantasies you can't go to a nice restaurant?" "Hey, why don't you hand me down a straw so I can pole-vault up there and slap you in the face?" "No." "Hey, not cool, cuz." "Let me out of here." "My voice is bouncing off the walls." "Is this what I really sound like?" "Aah!" "What's a second second?"