"SMEE INC AND CO SUBTITLES" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello" "Yes, That's me" "What?" "I'm on the radio" "Really?" "Now?" "(LAUGHS) Funny one, Chris, yeah" "Okay, right, 3 questions." "Yes" "Err, it's a type of sheep, isn't it?" "Oh (LAUGHS)" "Yeah, err..." "Suck it out!" "YES!" "(TONY DOING AN ACCENT) Very well done, Gary." "And finally for 5000 pounds" "Shhhhh (WHISPERING) I'm on the radio!" "Are you nervous?" "Err, a little bit, yeah" "Okay, Gary." "What's orange and can't get through a revolving door?" "I'm gonna have to hurry you, Gary" "Erm... (LOUDLY) And the answer is:" "Judith Chalmers with a spear in her face!" "Goodbye" "Man, I hate practical jokes, don't you?" "Not at all." "Mainstay of British humour" "You, er, You don't seem to go into work much" "Oh, we are pretty laid back about that in the music biz" "Yeah, yeah, you must be to get away with a shirt like that" "What's it say?" "Greek for "Poof's Shirt" is it?" ""Kevin's Bar and Bouzouki Repair Centre, Mykonos" Went there last year" "Aw, I often wish I got into something more glamourous like the music business" "You don't get to snog Bananarama selling burglar alarms." "I can tell you" "What, what exactly does a record company executive do, then?" "Oh, you know." "Um, customer interfacing, looking at the market" "Sometimes you get to schmooze some artists" "Ah, schmooze, eh" "I've asked Dorothy but she said she'd feel dirty afterwards" "No, it means talk to" "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, of course" "Still, I bet you manage to slip the odd backing singer a few inches every now and again, eh?" "No." "Mind you, one of the Village People once gave me his phone number" "I..." "I was sort of hoping you would introducing me to some of the woman you work with" "I work with guys, mainly" "Oh" "(PHONE RINGS)" "(CAMPLY) Hello, Big Boy's Sauna Club." "I'm afraid there's nobody here at the moment..." "Oh, sorry, Mummy" ""Daring fellow, like Van Gogh, laterally"" "Creosote, nipples, sadness" "Eh?" "If you can talk cobbler's, George, so can I" "No, it's a crossword clue." "I've only got 2 to get" "I've never seen the point in crosswords" "Well you have to fill in all the little squares..." "Yeah, I know all that." "I've just got something better to do with my time" "So I see (CHORTLES)" "That's educational. "20 Things You Never Knew About Panties"" "You don't get that sort of info in The Independent, do you?" "Is that a typical page?" "Television, sex, severed limbs,... royal family, sex." "Yes, pretty typical" ""Colin Peabody, flamboyantly dressed presenter of 'Get Out Of Bed Britain' recently holidayed with two male companions in gay-love paradise, Mykonos"" "Oh, my new flatmate, Tony, had a holiday in Mykonos" "I wonder if he went with Colin Peabody?" "Mind you, Colin's already got a lot of young friends" "I always think Thermos sounds like a Greek island, don't you?" "(REMEMBERING TONY) Bloke from the Village People gave me his phone number once" "I work with guys, mainly" "Big Boy's Sauna Club" "Gary!" "Are you alright?" "Oh yes, perfectly." "I just found out I'm living with a homosexual" "Nothing alarming" "I don't think that matters, does it?" "Not a bit." "Whoopie(!" ")" "My nephew's gay." "He told us last year during the Top Of The Pops Christmas Special" "Oh, Smashing." "Maybe the three of us should get together and open an antiques shop" "Some people think you are a bit old to be living with another man" "I'm not living with another man!" "He's there to pay the rent" "Oh, I see - a rent boy" "Maybe you chose a man because you have got suppressed urges" "There's nothing wrong with my urges, mate." "Last night I was strip searching Sue Lawley" "Hmm, completely normal" "I've often wondered what it'd be like to sleep with a man" "George, it's awful." "You see, first of all..." "No, no, no, no, Anthea!" "I'd have to give him Marjorie's side of the bed." "My reading light has got an awkward switch" "Look, can we talk about something sensible, please?" ""Pigmies pine for slang bulldozer"" "That's better" "(PLAYING SMOKE ON THE WATER ON ELECTRIC GUITAR)" "(LOUDLY)" "(MUG SMASHES)" "(CONTINUES PLAYING LOUDLY)" "(DOORBELL)" "Hi" "Hi." "Was that you playing the guitar?" "Yeah." "Do ya wanna come and listen?" "No..." "I was thinking of cutting your hands off." "Oh I'm sorry." "It's this headache" "How did you get that, then?" "I've no idea(!" ")" "Come in" "Have you, erm, have you ever played the bass guitar before?" "No." "Have you?" "Lesson No. 1..." "What makes you think I want to learn?" "Hand-y through the hole-y." "Now some technical things first, alright?" "Now, these are the strings and that's the cable" "Now, you get some come in curly, some come in straight." "This one's straight" "Cables, strings." "I'm with you so far" "This is the neck" "Some people are surprised how long this is" "And down here is where you get all the naughty, high notes" "And down here is where you get all the floppy, juicy notes" "(BOTH GIGGLE)" "Well, that's the basics over with, anyway" "Anyway, um, I'm glad you've come down" "So am I" "I wondered if you could sew a patch in me jeans" "You have got to be joking" "Why?" "Oh, can't you sew?" "Why do all men assume that women enjoy sewing?" "Well, I'd do it myself only they never seem to come out smart, ya know?" "Where are they?" "Just this once" "Oh great, look is there's anything I can do, just say the word" "Well, actually, you can tear that down." "I hate that sort of thing" "Oh, er, no, no." "That's alright you see." "I picked that up in Dusseldorf." "It's erm, ironic" "Yeah, she's campaigning for sexual rights" "What does it say?" ""We want sexual rights and we want it now"" "Do you speak German?" "(SPEAKS GERMAN BADLY)" "Well, actually, there is something you can do for me" "Sure" "I've got a letter, needs translating" "(VOICE BREAKING) No problem" "Well, I'll bring it down tomorrow" "By the way, you haven't thought of playing a different instrument, have you?" "Yeah, I have actually" "This!" "(PLAYS GUITAR INCREDIBLY LOUDLY)" "I got one" "What is it?" ""Super Vixens"" "Hey" ""Love In A Women's Prison"" ""Their only crime is to have their needs"" "It's a serious study of repressed sexuality in a pressure-cooker environment" "It's mindless, exploitative tat, Gary" "Shall we get it out then?" "No!" "Oh, I see." "I'm supposed to apologise, am I?" "For being a perfectly normal hertosexual who happens to find women attractive." "Well, pardon me" "Look, I don't mind seeing a film with sex in it" "It's you who want to get of "The Best Of Flipper" last week" "It's a classic" "Not, the 3rd time" "Last week I had to listen to you sobbing through "E.T"" "I wasn't sobbing" "And tonight, you come on all macho." "Trying to get me to arm wrestle with you" "Yeah, well you started before I was ready, actually" "And now you are pretending to be some sort of sex maniac." "What is the matter with you?" "It's Tony." "He's um..." "What?" "He's a (MUMBLES)" "A (MUMBLES)" "A homeowner?" "He's gay!" "Oh quick, fumigate the furniture" "Oh look, I've got nothing against homosexualism, in it's proper place" "And where do you stand on bigotry?" "I see." "I suppose you'd be delighted, would you, to come home and find your flatmate's a lesbian" "You weren't so homophobic 2 minutes ago when you wanted us to watch "Sex Slave Jail Women"" ""Love In A Women's Prison" and it's different." "They're women for God's sake" "I ask you." "Why do people have to peddle this kind of smut?" "Disgusting" "Anyway, what makes you think that Tony's gay?" "Well, he's hardly conducting a meaningful, sexual relationship with a woman, is he?" "Neither are you" "At least there's no question about my sexuality" "Oh, yes I'm so sorry." "The man with a live animal down his trousers" "(WHISPERING) Look, The other day I asked him, just conversationally, like about the women in his office and he went all funny" "Well, he's probably never seen you with your tongue hanging out" "He's got girly hair and he holidays in gay love paradise Mykonos" "If it bothers you so much, why don't you just ask him?" "Because... it doesn't bother me" "It does!" "It doesn't" "I thought you liked him" "I do" "I just won't be happy until he's out of my flat, that's all" "Here I reckon I've made a mistake here" ""12 Across 5 Letters:" "God"" "That's got to be "Jesus", right?" "They're not the same thing though, are they?" "Yeah, Jesus is the same as God, isn't he?" "But younger" "What about "Allah"?" "Nah, that's gonna but my "Dung" and "Foreskin" out of whack" "You sure about this, Nev?" "I've been doing this crossword for 2 weeks" "Ain't gonna tell me I'm not on top of it by now, are you?" "Eh, Nev." "You ever been to Germany?" "Yeah, I toured they're Black Sabbath, actually" "Oh, great days, eh?" "Yeah." "Oh, the camaraderie" "I could tell you a few stories, I tell ya" "Yeah, I bet mate" "The band had this nickname for me" "Yeah, what?" "Neville - the lazy, bastard roadie" "You didn't pick up any German while you were out there, did ya?" "Nah, I was only there a couple weeks" "Got sacked for having sex with a groupie" "I thought that's what they were for" "Well, I was driving the van at the time" "Left the longest skid marks in Bavaria according to policemen, guy" "Listen, Nev, I told the girl upstairs that I'd translate this letter for her and the only German I can remember is "Please come to bed with me"" "Nice, is she, this neighbour?" "Oh, yeah" "Gorgeous mate, yeah." "Just split up with her boyfriend, yeah" "It's like going down the pub and finding a cigarette packet that's still got fags in it" "(MOBILE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Tony!" "Of course it's my phone" "Hang on a sec." "Nev." "This phone you sold me, it was yours, wasn't it?" "No, I, er, found it down Mr. Buy Right" "What do you expect for 10 quid?" "Gary." "Hiya" "Hi" "Nev, this is Gary." "He's the bloke who owns the flat I live in" "I've got just the thing you want, mate." "Nice mobile phone" "Not now" "I happened to have a couple of hours on my own." "Thought I'd come and catch you at work" "What do you think?" "Great, eh?" "This is it, is it?" "Yeah" "This is the glittering epicenter of your business empire, is it?" "More of a stall really" "Where do you meet your clients?" "Well, I normally stand about here and they normally stand where you are" "But if it's Michael Jackson they normally go down the kebab place on the corner" "You told me you were a record company executive" "Well, you seemed to be looking for the management type" "Yeah." "Look what I got:" "a geek with a jumble sale" "Don't be such a bloody snob" "You told me you had a secretary" "Well, she had to go to look after her... (Nev) Dogs..." "...babies babies." "Baby dogs" "I've been down the travel agent" "Oh, you going away?" "I was thinking of going to Mykonos, actually." "What's it like?" "Well, I dunno, really." "I didn't get about very much" "Oh, yes." "Plenty of secluded bays, are there?" "Secluded bays?" "Yeah, they got them, yeah" "Did your girlfriend like it?" "Well actually, I just went with my mates" "Oh, nice" "Are you going to go?" "No!" "Well, Gary, I hope this job mix up isn't going to come between us" "Well, we'll see, shall we?" "(MOBILE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Well, if you must know, I'm standing outside Tony's Smart Records Ltd. in Bridge Road market" "What?" "No I don't know who you are." "Do you know who I am?" "Well, I'm not going to tell you, am I. So you won't know, will you?" "(SHUTTER CLATTERS LOUDLY)" "Shh!" "I'm on the phone!" "What?" "What's that got to do with you?" "Oh, I see officer" "Alright, well, I'll see you when you get here" "It was..." "I went to see Tony at work, today" "Turns out all he runs is a little, tiny second hand record stall" "Oh, well." "Bang go your idea of having the Nolan sisters round for boeuf bourguignon" "I still haven't found out whether he's a *pft* or not" "Oh, well, I want somebody I can go to the pub with, talk about women, get drunk, pick up a tandoori, come back, watch the footie, open the fridge, get out a can..." "Oh, stop, please." "So depressing" "Now I've found out I'm sharing a flat with Pillow Biter Man" "Gary, shut up" "Well it's not normal, is it?" "Normal?" "After your suggestion, last night, that we experiment with whipped cream" "I was joking" "You bought 6 cans of it" "(FRONT DOOR OPENS)" "Look, just ask him straight out and shut up" "Hiya" "Hello" "Hi Tony" "I found this." "I thought I'd paint it up make an attractive lamp" "Great" "You know, screw a bulb in the top." "Make it nice" "Tony, um, Gary wanted to ask you something" "No I didn't" "What was it worrying you, Gary?" "Nothing" "Was it something to do with sex?" "(MOUTHS) Shut up" "Would you like me to ask for you?" "Would you like that?" "Tony, Gary was wondering if you're gay" "(FORCED LAUGH)" "What I actually said was, um... (LAUGHS)" "Do you see... (DOORBELL)" "No, I'm not" "You had to embarrasses me, didn't you?" "It's so irritating!" "Hi." "Hope I'm not interrupting anything" "No" "Gary was just making a complete arse of himself but he's finished now" "I brought the letter" "Is it okay?" "Yeah, hand it over" "Handen sie uber" "Let's have a look then" "Blah blah blah, blah-blah" ""Dear Deborah..." Who's it from?" "A German." "He ate in the restaurant all last week." "We got on really well" "Oh, was he nice?" "He was actually." "Sort of blond with a really sensitive mouth" "He couldn't write in English." "That would have been too simple" "Okay, okay. "Dear Deborah, Thank you for the affection you showed me"" ""How is London?" "Those crazy red buses."" "Geez, I don't know about you, I worry about the European communities" ""However, I thought I should write to say that I am... a Nazi" "...to say I am already engaged to be married." Aww" ""I meant to tell you, but I forgot." "Find a nice English boy." "Best Wishes, Herman"" "Oh, bad luck" "Herman the German ha ha" "I don't know what he's on about." "We only spoke for half an our" "Can I have a look?" "I did German A level" ""Dear Deborah, Thank you for talking to me when I was lonely in London..." "Can I ask you a... favour?" "My friend has a Morris Traveler car..." "Which he is seeking the timber for and which he cannot buy here in Berlin..." "Please send me some and I will send you the money." "Best Wishes, Herman"" "What did I say?" "I don't know who's worse." "Him for asking me to send him car parts or you for being a pathetic, lying scumbag" "It's a tricky one, innit?" "Herman the German" "No, no, she's got brilliant legs." "Trust me." "Tapered, you know" "We've already got the legs" "Have we?" "Oh." "Right." "We'll have Michelle Pfeiffer up to the knee and the woman off the Special K advert up to the hip" "This is getting really complicated" "Well, we're going to sharing a log cabin for like... eternity" "Might as well get the details right" "Alright, let's recap." "The face: is the singer with the cute nose from The Bangles" "Bottom:" "Kylie" "Obviously Obviously" "Alternating on a weekly basis with the Cuban sprinter in the leotard who's name we can't remember" "I though you'd gone to bed" "I was going to go home and then you two started discussing which beers turn your urine blue and I lost the will to live" "You gonna stay the night then?" "S'pose I have to" "(TONY) Night, Dorothy" "Night" "Is there any chance of you two treating women like human beings one of these days?" "Sorry" "Sorry" "(WHISPERING) So, what about people we know?" "The woman in the chemist who doesn't wear a bra" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Great lips" "Oh, great, great lips" "And there's always Deborah, of course" "Mmmm" "He he he" "(WHIPPED CREAM SQUIRTING)" "Can you do that?" "335 lines of subtitles"