"West Valley High." "My high school." "I bet it's a lot like yours, which means it probably sucks." "But, you see, we got something most schools don't:" "The Dirty Deeds." "Once a year, the night before Homecoming, anybody can take this challenge." "Hardly anybody ever does and, when they do, it's usually a punk kid with a death wish out to prove he's tough or cool." "To me it's bullshit, just like everything else around here..." "Welcome to Homecoming Weekend!" "...until today." "Come on!" "Move!" "That's my spot." "First off, I'd like to announce that this year's honorary chairperson," "Rachel Buff, Homecoming Queen four years ago and now a professional model, will be joining us this weekend." "You've no doubt seen her in the catalogue for the Lingerie Hut." "She'll be giving out the senior awards tomorrow morning at the carnival." "Red light." "God, I'll love you forever." "Meg, I've finished your college recommendation letter." "Oh thanks, Mrs. Hale." "I've told them you're odds-on favorite for valedictorian." "Valedictorian?" "What does that mean?" "It's Latin, means a post-scholarship." "A ticket out of this town and a guarantee" "I'll never have to wait tables in my life." "Crap!" "I'm late!" "We're not late." "And now, to unveil this year's Homecoming banner, your senior class president:" "the fabulous Dan Lawton." " Hey, how's it lookin'?" " Shh!" "First, I wanna say that the Vikings are gonna kick some major ass tomorrow!" "Could you watch where you're goin'?" "Every time!" "Sorry." "Moron!" "Sorry." "And now... let's get Homecoming Weekend started!" "Who'd wanna go and do a thing like that?" "My office, Mister Harper?" "Now." "We're gonna be late." "Not me." "I graduated in June." "That'd be all, Miss Straight." "So, Mister Harper..." "Yes, Mister Fyooks." "Pronouncing my name correctly, that's a start." " Well I can always go back to..." " I have no doubt, Mister Harper." "I still think you know something about this recent outbreak of pranks." "Shall I call your mother?" "Try to arrange a conference one more time?" "Knock yourself out." "Fifth time is  a charm." "I seem not to have a number for your father." "Join the party." "You don't have a lot of respect for authority, do you, Mister Harper?" "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening." "I wanted a moment alone with you guys, cause you're the leaders of this school." "Trust me, Biggs," "I'm as depressed about that as you are." "How can we help you, Officer Dill?" "Well it's Homecoming Weekend at West Valley, and everybody knows that means a lot of talk about the Dirty Deeds." "I haven't heard anything." " How about you guys?" " Nah, nah." "Hey!" "Well, let's just keep that that way, shall we?" "It's been a long time since anybody's tried 'em and I don't want any of you knuckleheads getting any ideas." "Actually, my dad said back in the day you tried 'em." "But, uh, he pissed his pants before he did the first one." "Yeah?" "Well, your dad used to shower in his bathing suit." "We've got everything under control." "Good." "Well, see that you do." "Come on, Bevins." " It's all good, Officer Dill..." " Doh!" "Douchebags." "Now was that the work of you and your band of misfits?" "You flatter me, Mister Fuchs, because that is first-rate stuff." "I notice the letters "I-A-B" appear once again, Mister Harper." "Tell me, what do they stand for?" "I am... bored?" "Just a guess." "Sadly, the school board and I differ on rules regarding suspension." "They require inconvertible proof of a transgression, but I will say this, Mister Harper:" "Any student I catch red-handed, I pity them." "I pity anyone who has to deal with you, sir." "Anything else you'd like to add before you're dismissed, Mister Harper?" "No, just keep up the good work." " Hey." " So, did he suspend you?" "Not yet, but the man's trying his best." "Listen, Zach, how can I say this without sounding harsh?" "Stay the hell away from my brother." "Woah, okay, now maybe it's me," " but that still sounded harsh." " I'm serious." "Yeah, way too." "Look, for some strange reason, he really looks up to you." "Well, we gotta stop that." "I mean, I don't want anybody looking up to me." "I'm the one who looks down on the people that others look up to." "Is everything a joke with you?" "Is anything a joke with you?" "Hey, come on." "Come on." "What, did the honor society take a no-smile oath?" "Look, I just don't want Kyle getting into things he can't handle." "I mean, next year when I'm away at school, who's gonna look out for him?" "Nobody." "I let the kid hang out." "What's the harm?" "Just don't drag him down Zach, okay?" "Excuse me." "Excuse me!" "I got a note from the dentist." "I can't go to gym." "Excuse me." "Okay!" "I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "Now, what is it, young man?" "Holy crap!" "What did you eat for dinner last night, a Mexican village?" "I'll just go to gym." "Morning, Meg." "You are looking so hot." "Aww, is your girlfriend sick today?" "You think Jen has to know everything?" " The less they know the better, right?" " You know it." "You know, they work better if you drink 'em?" "Damn dentist drilled through my head." "Did he give you anything for the pain?" "Yeah, but I'm not sure I can take them." "I can't reach my sponsor, and I don't wanna throw my sobriety down the drain." " It's been five days." " Which beats your regular by what," " five days?" " Roughly." "It's a prescription." "You're in pain, it's medicine." "Take it." "No, no." "One, one." " Find me in four to six hours." " Cool." "Hey, Cummings, like playing maintenance man?" "The extra money helps." "The sprinklers still busted?" "Yeah, low water pressure." "All that's coming out is hot air." "Fascinating." "Hey, listen," "I heard that you're fast." "Four-nine forty?" "Four-seven." " Four-seven?" " Whoa." " Damn." "Nice." " Hey, listen, let's put all this crap behind us." "We could use a little bit more speed on the team." "Wide receiver, something like that." "You interested?" " Maybe." " Great." "Why don't you run a lap?" "Let us time you." "Yeah, right now." " Yeah, man, go." " Okay, you ready?" " Set, go!" " Come on, baby, come on!" "Okay, everybody, a little contribution." " Yeah, look at you, man." " Man, oh man." " You could totally make this team." " Amazing." " Yeah?" " Yeah, man, most definitely." "Your acceleration is fast." "I thought you'd be happy." "We got your sprinklers working." "Sorry to piss you off, dude." "What's going on?" " Lawton." "Such an asshole." " You want me to do somethin'?" "No." "I can take care of myself, okay?" "Oh, you just gonna let him keep kicking your ass until his foot hurts?" "Something else." "I heard that there's ten of 'em, and they get, like, harder as you go on." "I heard one year a freshman lost his ball sack trying to do the Deeds." "Freshmen lose their ball sacks all the time." "The senior class pres has a key to some locker somewhere and that's where the Deeds are." " Really?" " Totally." "I heard you could die doing the Deeds." "How very cool is that?" "Yo, fifteen years ago?" "Some kid did 'em all." "Football player, Homecoming King." "Dude's name was Duncan Rime." " Duncan Rime." " Yeah, yeah, I heard he dead." "No, he didn't die, you retard." "Homey did a vanishing." "Ain't nobody seen his white ass since, yo." " I heard he joined the mob, son." " Yeah, that's somethin'." " Ill type." " Yeah." "Who talks like that?" "It would be so cool, man." "I mean, think about it." "Somebody trying the Deeds would pump up this Homecoming Weekend" " and totally put our class on the map." " Why don't you try 'em, Biggs?" "Me?" "Yeah, that's right." "Hey, Lawton!" "What's the matter, Cummings?" "You still thirsty?" "Check this out, Z." "You think you're the big shit around here?" "How come you don't try the Dirty Deeds?" "Cause I'm not the dumb shit around here." "I say it's 'cause you don't have the guts." "But I do." "Tonight I'm doing the Deeds." "You're on, big man." "I'll see you tonight." " Zach." "Hey." " Hey." "Listen." "You gotta stop Kyle, okay?" "He's gonna get hurt." "Is this the same Kyle you said you wanted me to stay away from?" "Yes, but maybe he'll listen to you." "He really wants to do this." " And you think that that's smart?" " I wouldn't do it." "Zach, you're the only person I can ask for help here." "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." "Meg." "Look, I think that's really cool that he's got somebody to look out for him." "Kyle is about to get thrown in jail or expelled." "Yeah, I really am doing a great job." " There he is." " Hey, Mullet!" "Heads up!" "Nice shot." " Alright." " Good throw, dawg." "Hey, Mullet, you alright?" "You alright?" "Yeah, yeah." "Somebody's gotta teach that asshole a lesson." "I don't think the loser's showing up, Laws." "Hey, maybe he got glued someplace." "Guys, take a look." "This is so stupid, Kyle." "Okay, you don't have to do this." "It's the only way to get Lawton off my back." " Kyle..." " Just stay out of it." "Okay, Lawton," " Let's do this." " Kyle." "I'm doing the Deeds." "Sorry, the job's already filled." "Wrong." "He's a freshman, I'm a senior." "Rules say I get priority." "He's right." "Dan, if a senior wants the challenge, he ge..." "I know the rules." "You want the Deeds?" "Fine, they're yours." "I'm gonna enjoy watching you go down." "I'm gonna get the Deeds." "That will give you some time to chicken out." "Harper's going to do the Deeds." "Zach, what are you doing?" "You're making me look bad." "Why do you get to have all the fun?" "What are you doing?" "I thought you told me to get Kyle out of this." "I didn't say you should screw up your own life." "That's a nice thing to say." "It's just, this Deeds thing is sick." "Not if it gets Lawton off your brother's ass." " Why does he have it in for Kyle, anyway?" " You're kidding, right?" "You're the only girl at school that Lawton can't have his way with." "Kyle's just payback." "Take your brother home, Meg." "Deeds!" "Deeds!" "Deeds!" "Deeds!" "Okay." "Alright, Harper, you know the drill." "You don't get the second Deed until you finish the first." "So it goes in, like, order?" "Every time you finish one, if that happens," "Yeah." "you come back here to get the next envelope." "The rules say you've gotta be done by the start of the Homecoming rally, tomorrow morning, nine o'clock, which gives you twelve hours." "Okay!" "Here we go!" "It's an easy one for starters." "All you have to do is drink a beer in front of a cop." "Looks like Dill's right inside." " Here's a cold one." " That means he's gotta see you do it." "That means he's watching you drink it." " That means while you're drinking..." " Yeah, I got it." " What's he doing?" " Card doesn't say what I have to drink it out of." "Just says beer." "He's right." "There you go." "This Bud's for you, asshole." "Officer Dill." "Harper, what the hell's goin' on out there?" "Oh, you know, kids." "Friday night." "Nothin' to do." "Well, they better not be up to any of that Deeds crap." "Cause tonight me and Bevins aren't letting' anybody slide on anything." "Anything to drink, officer?" "Yeah, I'll have one of those." "Damn, that is a good cup of coffee." "Well, you have a good night, officers." "Glad to know the town's safe, thanks to you." "Douchebag." "I hope these things get harder." "Second Deed." "You've got to punch the toughest kid in town." "Gee, I guess it's up to me to decide, who the toughest kid is." " Don't worry, I'm not gonna choose myself." " That's disappointing." "I know." "What about JD Riplock?" "You know him, don't ya?" "Guns for biceps." "Genuine psycho badass." "He did a stretch in juvie for puttin' a kid's head through a blackboard." "Hey, you alright, Ricky?" "Go get him, slugger." "Good luck, Harper." "Nice knowin' ya!" "Riplock?" "He's a... he's a psychopath." " The guy's like a..." " Bobby D!" "Bobby D." "Yes, sir?" "What's the D stand for?" "Sorry 'bout that." " Stands for DeSanchez." " No, it stands for Douche, but we can change that." "See, all you gotta do to change that is help me with a little problem." "As you guys all know, Harper's doing the Deeds tonight, right?" " Yeah." " Yeah, and there's a little tradition that goes along with that." "All night rager at a freshman's house." "That's funny, that's good." "And Bobby Douche," "I heard your parents are away for the weekend." "Well, yeah, they are, but, uh, but they said I can't have anyone over, unless it's to study, so..." "Yeah, he's not lying." "I heard them say it." "I understand that." "We're gonna do a lot of study." "Calculus, geometry, anatomy." " Yeah, congratulations, Bobby." " Right." "Thanks." "Who's next?" "Who's next?" "Do you really think this is gonna work?" "No, but what choice do I got?" " Nice place." " Yeah, thanks, man." " Oh, that can't be good." " Yeah, I better go do something." "Go do something!" "Smile." " Come on." " Come on, yeah, come on." "Come on." "Get him." "You get him." "Yeah, you go." "You go." "Get him up, come on." " Yeah." " Come on." "Are you lost, Harper?" "Nice, cool." "Now I'm gonna find out what his tastes like." "Hey, make sure you put that back." "Hey what do you...?" " Where's the booze, man?" " Booze?" " Yes, freshman throwing the party supplies the booze." " But..." "I don't know where it is." " You didn't get the memo?" "That's okay." "We can search through everything until we find it." " No." "No." " Yes." "Yes." "Booze hunt!" "Go fellas!" "Yeah, two Deeds for Harper!" "So how are you doin'?" "I'm getting as loaded as humanly possible tonight." "Two!" "Two!" "Two!" "Two!" "You've got balls, Harper." "I'll give you that." "Gee, turns out you're gonna need 'em to do the third Deed." " What?" " That's my favorite one yet." "I'd hurry if I was you." "Supermarket closes in 20 minutes." "Yo, Biggs." "Yo." "So what's the third one, my friend?" "Go to the market..." "Okay, yeah, seriously." "Hello, beautiful." "Should we go back to my place?" "You guys seen Harper?" "I need to give him something." "That's what he's gotta do?" "That's, like, so gross." "Not really." "Everybody, please be careful." "There's lots of breakable stuff here." "Now there's one less." "I know, this is your first time." "God, I hope so." "He's gonna die." "I'm gonna kill him." "He's gonna die." "That's right, make a sandwich out of me." "Here let me help you." "Attaboy." "Know what I love?" "Mayo between my slices." "Come on." "Hey, move it." "Come on." "Let's go, move it." "What is this?" "I'll love you forever." "You will kiss my "scrunchie", BJ." "I don't hear a thing." "I'm gonna kill you." "I heard that." "Oh, God." "Oh, my car." "As soon as I get done with Harper, I'm coming after you, BJ." "Enjoy that girl, BJ." "She's your last!" "Spread it on me, big boy." "I love mayo." "Yes... yes..." "Jesus Christ." "I call you tomorrow." "Daddy's coming home!" "Oh, when I'm done with you," "I'm gonna make your ass look like a fig!" "Look like a fig!" "You see a lot of things in this job but I never thought I'd see anyone trying the Dirty Deeds again." "That is what you're doing, right?" "Absolutely, sir." "Rock on, son." "This is whole wheat, right?" " Right?" " Right." "Hey man, my bad." "Here's your whole wheat." "This one's sour dough." "Out of my way, Harper." "Hey, Mister Fuchs." "You have yourself a good night now." "Two!" "Two!" "Two!" "Two!" "Three!" "So, we got you for speeding, driving an unregistered vehicle and being a douchebag after midnight." "Son, we got to sort all this out down at the station house." "Feelin' kind of stupid about now, aren't you?" "Put that down!" "Feet off the table." "Off the table, thanks." "The couch is expensive." "Be careful." " Sorry, dude." " Yeah, thanks a lot." "Paul, rewind." "I gotta see that again." "Report from the market says you made a loaf of bread very happy." "A gentleman never tells." "Hey, cool it, girls." "This asshole's got work to do." "Number four." "You've got to drag that big-ass leprechaun from Lucky's used car lot, all the way to the high school." "In one piece." "Why are you sweating, Dan?" "I'm the one doing all the work." "I'm not sweating." "Yo, where's my marker?" "My marker?" "Not so bad, dude." "Oh, yeah." " For me." " My life is over." "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "I'm breaking up with you, Brian, because you don't have any guts." "You know who has guts?" "The guy hosting this party." "Whoever he is!" "Alison!" "I heard you broke up with Brian." "You know, he was never good enough for you." "Bree?" "You can let go now." "Right." "Dude!" "Dude, did you hear that?" "Go get her!" "Go!" "Go, go, go!" "Son of a..." "Try a school board, my friend." "Thought it would be easy, huh?" "You're supposed to be home." "I'm supposed to be doing the Deeds, but I got blocked by a senior trying to show off." "You know what, Kyle?" "I've got it under control." "Obviously." "What?" "What?" "Kicking the balloon's not gonna help." " You got a better idea?" " Maybe I do." "There." " Ready?" " Yeah." "That's the way it is done." " Hey!" "Hey!" "You find her?" " No." "Look harder!" " God, this is such a cool night!" " I know!" "We switch the sprinklers on without water flow, hot air pours out of the heads," "The balloon inflates and goes airborne." " Or not." " Since I have no other options," "I love it." "How long we give him, Laws?" "I don't know." "Give him till about... now." "Hey, listen up, everybody!" "Listen up." "We got another loser." "As your class president, I tried to give you a kick-ass Homecoming Weekend." "But, unfortunately, Harper has ruined it." " He did it!" " But..." "Oh my..." "I wouldn't be making any more speeches for a while." "Whatever." "Yo, Harper's luck's not gonna last." "Now will you go home?" "Okay." "Look, I would have been screwed, if you didn't show up tonight." "Same here." "I knew I'd find you here, Kyle." "Get in the car." "But I'm helping Zach do the Deeds." "Look, we got the leprechaun up." " But, he just showed up." " Yeah, and now he's going home." "He was just helping me out." "Don't be mad at him." "I'm not mad at him." "Look, Zach, I've always thought you were different." "You were smarter than Lawton and his macho crowd, you cared about other things." "Just do what you have to do, but at least be careful." "Four!" "Hi." "So, you having a good time?" "Are you talking to me?" "I'm Bobby DeSanchez." "Your host?" "Bobby!" "Hi!" "It's four Deeds for Harper!" " Forget Harper!" " We got four for you right here." "Wait, wait, wait." "I wanna remember this forever." "That's enough." "Sorry that took so long." "Were you guys worried?" "A little." "I was." "You're not even halfway there yet." " Don't get cocky, Harper." " You're the boss." "For now." "What is it?" " What is it, Zach?" " Come on, Zach." " Hey." " Hey, Stash," "I thought you were at the party." "Yeah, well I need another pain pill, it's been six hours." " Been two hours." " Anyways." "There's a lot of kids drinking." "I couldn't be a part of it." "I'm trying to clean up my act." "You want help me steal a dead body?" "Cool." "Steal a dead body and put it in the middle of the school!" "Evening, Mister Rasdale." "How're things out at the lodge?" "Wait, José, what's it to you?" "My name is Ryan, sir." "Did you want your usual?" "How do you know what my usual is?" "Because you come in every night, before your shift, sir." "Don't get smart with me, Luis." "It's Homecoming Weekend, Dirty Deeds time." "Sir..." "Deeds got me once, years ago." "It's not gonna happen again." "Now spread the word." "You tell any of your hombres, that if they are even thinking, even think about the Deeds," "Vic Rasdale is waiting for them." "Still want your coffee, sir?" "What, something you can spit into?" "You'd like that, wouldn't ya, Miguel?" "Very much, sir." "A Newton Imperial." "That's about to hard to pick as my ass." "Do you talk this loud when you pick your ass?" "It's the same lock they have on most doctors' offices." "Not that I've ever broken into any of them to steal drugs" " back when I was using." " That's a load off my mind." ""Evelyn Easterbrook." "Loving wife, mother and grandmother." " "Service Thursday."" " No." "Anything?" ""Jerry Noblock." "Friend to all." ""No flowers." "Make donations to boys' athletic club."" "Nice guy." "What you got?" ""John Doe." "Found in park." "No relatives." ""No service scheduled."" "He's got nobody." "He's got us." "So, I figured a big night, like someone trying the Deeds," "I'll throw a big party." "Hey, you guys got everything you need?" "Alright!" "Yeah!" "Then I just told my parents to clear out." "Come on, come on, hurry, hurry!" "Careful, careful, careful, the door!" " Would you move?" " Hey, man." "I'm stuck." "I'm stuck." "Are you comfortable, John?" "This guy's a maniac." "Hey, let me know if there's too much air." " He's good." " Yeah." " I told you to wrap it tighter." " And I ignored you." " Shit." " Pull the car over!" "Get in back." "Cover him up, quick!" "(on radio) Report of a possible break-in," "Swan Point funeral home." "Oh, shit." " Harper, Harper, Harper." " Sir." "You know why I stopped you?" "Fighting real crime is hard, sir." "Wrong, 'cause thirty miles an hour does not mean thirty-eight!" "I'm sorry, officer." "Who the hell is that back there?" "Well, that's Stash and his uncle." "He's had a rough night." "No shit." "Officer Dill, I'm just trying to get the guy home." "He is really just dead... drunk." "I can see that." "Alright, I'm gonna let you slide this time." "Thank you, thank you." "And one more thing." "And Harper, your vehicle registration expires at the end of..." "I mean, that is just wrong on so many levels." "Tell me about it." "Get them the hell out of here!" "There are a lot of sick people in this world." "Now, how very cool is that?" "Five!" "Yeah, I'm here." "You wanna go upstairs?" "I don't wanna move, ever." "But, aren't there bedrooms upstairs?" " I'm sure there are." " Can you get me a drink first?" "Oh yeah, sure." " How is it going?" " Unbelievable!" "I may be dead tomorrow, but I'm gonna die a man!" "She's so hot!" "Six." "You don't talk as much as you used to, Dan, do you?" "Just do the damn Deed." "Bring back a Homecoming Queen's bra." "Fine." "Hey, Jen." "Yeah, right." "What is it?" " Is Amy home, sir?" " Who the hell are you?" "Zach Harper." "Are you Amy's dad?" "No, I'm her big brother." "I can see that." "Is she home?" "I just need to get a bra from her." "But she doesn't have to be wearing it." "You know what, kid?" "Why don't you come back tomorrow, when it's light out?" "That way, when I swing at you, I won't miss!" "You got it." "Hello." "Hello, Mrs. Moskowitz." "Zach Harper." "I was two years behind Leah in high school." "Oh, yes, Zach, who could forget you?" "Is everything alright, honey?" "What's going on?" "Well, I think you're gonna get kind of a kick out of this." "I was wondering if I could swing by, pick up some of her underwear." "Hello?" "Yes." " Jennifer, hey, Zach Harper." " Zach, it's late." "Ah yeah, well, it's late for me too, but" "I think you're gonna get kind of a kick out of this." "You see, I need one of your bras." "Just for a while." "I promise I will give it back." "You know what?" "You're sick, Zach, sick." "What was that about?" "Did I say you could speak, slave?" "Sorry, mistress, sorry." "May I have another?" "Yeah." "You looking for a Homecoming Queen?" "Who is this?" "Someone who wants to see you take Lawton down." "Someone who knows where you can find what you're looking for." "I'm listening." "Vicky Crabbe." "Queen from five years ago." "She's got an apartment at 47 Grandview, downtown, across the street from the Excelsior Hotel." "She's home now." "Grandview, got it." "I'd been had, set up and knocked over." "Five Deeds down, five more to go, and it looked like the night was coming to an abrupt ending." "You know, it's amazing how the best ideas come at the most desperate times." "'Cause I had to piss like it was nobody's business." "It's a good thing the Excelsior Hotel was across the street." "Can I use your men's room?" "Bathroom's for customers." "Then, I don't know, I'll take a beer." "Maybe in a couple of years." "Make it a Coke." "$6.50." "Am I a customer now?" "Men's room's on your right, sir." "So kid, what's her name?" "What?" "The girl that put that nasty look on your face." "What's her name?" "What do you mean?" "You're a mess." "What did she do to you?" "Look, this has nothing to do with a girl, okay?" "Okay, a little bit." "Okay." "Fine, a lot." "Like, eighty percent." "There you go." "So here's the deal:" "I'm doing this high school... thing?" "Mostly so that her brother won't have to." "But the real reason?" "Is... she's great." "Pretty, smart, not into the games that everyone else is." "And she probably has no idea how you feel." "Hey, it's her loss." "Are, are you... trying to...?" "What, pick you up?" "Are you?" "No, I'm just..." "Let's stick to what's really bothering you." "Talking, talking helps, you know." "Nothing's gonna help now, unless you are a Homecoming Queen at West Valley." "Rachel Buff, sir, Class of '99," "Homecoming theme: "Reach for the stars"." " Are you kidding me?" " Nope." "My mom still has my tiara on the piano." "So, what can I do for you?" "Actually," "I think you might get kind of a kick out of this." "You mind helping me with the clasp?" "That would be a... sure." "Sure, I can." " Ooh!" "Your hands are cold!" " Sorry." " So, tell me." "What number Deed is it?" " Six." "Six." "Oh, my God." "You're closing in on Duncan Rime." "You're a stud!" "There you go." "You're the greatest person I have ever met." "Thank you." "Do you have a pen?" "Hey, did you find her yet?" " No!" " Okay, keep looking!" "Alison?" "How do I know this is legit?" "Well I got her on picture phone, too." "Hey, everybody, it's Rachel Buff." "Don't stay up too late, and I'll see you tomorrow at Homecoming." "Better be there." "Go, Vikings!" "Oh, there's more." "Up yours, Danny boy." "Whatever." "Here you go." "Lucky number seven." "It's never gonna happen, Harper." "You've been right so far, Dan." "Oh, shit." "Oh, God." "Those assholes." "Son of a bitch!" "Alison!" "I've been looking all over for you." "Sorry, Bobby, I had to pee and the line was like a mile long." "So, so, where were we?" "I was about to go upstairs with the guy with real guts." "Hey, man, you should have seen this little pissant when we told him he had to throw this rager." "I thought he'd shit himself." "Right, douche?" "Douche, douche, douche!" "Wait, hold on, hold on!" "Kyle can't come out and play." "Just go away." "Look, Meg." "Can I borrow your car?" "Are you serious?" "Yeah, Lawton's goons slashed my tires." "Oh, wow." "You know, you don't expect that from goons." " I need to get to the Patriot Lodge." " That's the Deed?" "And kinda..." "Borrow the night watchman's leg?" "Oh, okay, yeah, yeah." "Well, I mean, as long as it's for a good cause." "Meg, look nothing will happen to your car." "Look." "You can't have my car." "Meg." "I've got nobody else to go to." "Please." "Stash's lock picking tools." "I'll be right back." " Zach..." " Look, you told me your folks are out of town and you're worried that Kyle's gonna sneak out again." "I'll be as quick as I can." "No, I was actually gonna say, good luck." "Look, I know I can get too serious sometimes." "It's okay." "You know, you'd better go." "Right." "Shit." "This is a private club, son." "And we don't cotton to a lot of things here." "Integration, breakin' an' entering'." "I suggest you show yourself with three things up in the air:" "Your hands and my leg!" "Otherwise, Vic Rasdale is gonna be fillin' this fine antique with buckshot." "And your ass will be hangin' on our trophy wall." "Now, I am gonna count to fifty." "Forty-eight... forty-nine..." " You saved me!" " Yeah, you can thank me later." " Let's get you home." " No!" "No, no." "You have to do more Deeds." "Look." "You can, uh, just take my car." " What?" " Yeah." "I can't believe you're doing this." "I can't believe I just flashed Rasdale." "Go!" "Go, go, go, go!" "A couple of punks got my leg!" "I only saw the girl, but I got a real good look at her, alright." "Huh?" "You mean, describe her face?" "Well, I can't!" "Hey, Dan." "I bet you're wondering how much you owe me" " for the flat tires." " Here's Deed number eight." "Here comes Deed number two, just catching up with you." " That spare leg should come in handy." " Shit." "This is gonna hurt a little." "Hey, asshole!" "Get the hell outta here!" "Oh, hey, Mullet?" " You okay, man?" " Yeah." "Yeah, man, thanks." "Maybe you oughta think about bailing on this Deeds thing." "Why, right when it's starting to get fun?" "Thanks." " Eight is calling!" " My God, my God!" "No." "It's not a threat." "But you tell him it's a favor for me." "I don't have to call him myself." "Yeah, hang on." "There's an extra ten bucks for you, kid, you bring her back cherry." "Yeah, very good." "Come on, Alison, I was desperate," "Certain that death was staring me right in the face," " I didn't think I'd live through another day!" " Look!" "Do you wanna whine or do you wanna go upstairs?" "Hey, a freshman hitting on a senior?" "Pretty gutsy." "Oh, God!" "Some shortcut!" "Kyle?" "Kyle, you awake?" "What's going on?" "You deal this time, Kyle." "We're just playing for pennies." "It's nice friendly game... for now." "Who are you?" "I'm the last man in the world you wanna piss off." "You see, your boyfriend stole my Ferrari." "Dumbass left your crap-box car at the club." "A cop I own ran the plates, and guess what?" "Here I am." "Look, Kyle has nothing to do with this, okay?" "Kyle has everything to do with this, because if I don't get my vehicle back very soon, me and Home Alone are gonna play for bigger stakes." "Lawton, where did you get that piece of shit car?" "I'll bet you're surprised to see me right now." "Thought a little beat down might make me quit?" "What?" "What did you do?" "Oh, he tried to throw me to the animals at the zoo." "That's bullshit, Dan, and you know it." "Doesn't even matter anymore, because I tossed the last two envelopes, when i figured" " he wasn't coming back." " Well, I'm glad I picked them up, then." "What's it say?" ""Find Duncan Rime"?" "Yep, that's what it says." "There's no way that that is a Deed." "Hey I don't write the Deeds, Harper." "I'm just gonna enjoy the fact that you're gonna choke on this one." "It's a tough spot, Harper, and my heart goes out to you." "I mean you must be saying, "How do I find a guy, who doesn't even exist any more?"" "Over here." "I'm Duncan Rime." "What?" "The picture's a little old, but it's me." "I don't believe this shit." "What happened to you?" "Long story." "It started way back." "senior year in high school?" "You should have seen me." "I had the best car, hottest girl, and I figured doing the one thing nobody'd ever done would be the perfect capper." "You did all ten Dirty Deeds." "No, in my day there were only eight Deeds." "See, the rules say you gotta add to the list if somebody gets through 'em." " Why?" " No reason." "No reason for any of this." "But I didn't get that until I was out in the real world." "Then I realized just how miserable I'd been all through high school." "It's just playing some bullshit game, pretending I was cool." "If you keep playing by their rules," " they're always gonna beat ya." " Right." "Even when you think you've won." "What the hell are you doing?" "Give me the last Deed." "This is a waste of time, and you are a waste of skin." " Aw, yeah!" " Tear it up!" "Oh, shit." " You're under arrest, Harper!" " For what?" " For doing the Dirty Deeds!" " That's not a charge!" "Yeah?" "How about grand theft auto?" "Kid didn't steal anything." "Yeah?" "Well, that's not what my report said" "Well, the report you got can eat me, alright?" "It's my car and I lent it to the kid." "And I'm just gonna assume that you don't have a problem with that." "Mister Scarno." "Well, good evening, sir." "You know, I don't think an exchange of paperwork is in our best interest." "What is in our best interest is for you to let the boy go and I go on my merry way." "Does that sound good?" "Well, yeah, I... he can... just..." "Good night, Officer Dill..." " Doh!" "See you, Dildo!" "Go home." "Except you, valet." "You're with me." "Don't worry." "Nothing's gonna happen to your boyfriend." "Oh, he's not my boyfriend." "He almost got my brother killed." "What?" "Yeah, you know, you almost did." "Let's go." "Bobby?" "Are you coming?" "Oh, nearly!" "Come in!" "I'm ready." " Me too." " Bree!" "I'm kind of busy here." "Well, I'm worried about you." " You really shouldn't be alone right now." " I'm not." "You found a guy?" "I'm jealous." "Of him or of me?" "Are you ready for Bobby?" "Two?" "Two!" "Two!" "Oh, yeah, thank you!" "The parents are home!" "Two!" " The parents!" " I need to get out of here!" " The parents are home!" " The parents!" "Hey, you girls need a ride?" " Give it!" "It's mine!" " Give it!" " It's mine, it's mine!" " Give it!" "Where're you going?" "Little help, bro'?" "Fuck!" "I'm ready." "Yeah, you are!" "I'm not." "Come on!" "Now what are we gonna do?" "Everyone get out!" "Everybody out!" "Let's go!" "Who are you kids?" "What is this?" "I got what the place used to look like," " for the insurance company." " Oh, my god." "Robert." "What are you doing in our house?" "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Seaver," "Hi, I..." "I was just leaving." "I'm calling his mother, right now." "This could work." "Thanks, Millie." "You know, I used to boost a lot of cars when I was coming up, but I never did your valet bit." "That was smart... when you don't leave a car behind." "My first day." "So you did all this, just to get that dickwad in a Beemer" " to stop picking on her brother?" " Mm-hmm." "I can see why you'd want to get on her good side." "I can tell you I'm very impressed." " What are you, seventeen?" " Eighteen." "I killed three men by the time I was eighteen." "Legally, in Vietnam." "I signed up to get away from my father." "You see, my father was an asshole." "He did teach me one thing, though:" "that I didn't need him, and that's an important lesson to learn." "Because when you depend on people, they disappoint you." "So, you gotta step up yourself, like you did tonight." "Hell, it took me until I was twenty and sitting in a jungle." "What did you do?" "We had this lieutenant who was determined to get us all killed." "So, I got him sent home." "How?" "I kicked the shit out of him." "This better be good." "I told my mom I'd be home by now." "I'll write you a note." "Pop the damn leprechaun!" "Just get it off my football field!" "Where is maintenance?" "Dealing with what dead body?" "Damn those I.A.B.'s." "So, Zachary, that's my card." "You ever need anything, call that number." " Zach!" " Look, Zachary, it's dickwad's little girly." "Lawton gave the tenth Deed to Riplock." " So?" " So he's gonna ruin the Homecoming carnival." " That's what the tenth Deed said to do." " Look, I am way past caring." "You're gonna get blamed." "The cops know you were the one doing the Dirty Deeds." "How do I know your boyfriend didn't put you up to this?" "He's not my boyfriend anymore." "Look, Riplock said he's gonna pack the stage with fireworks and scare the hell out of everybody." " So a bunch of people get scared." "So what?" " These are M-80s!" "Zach, something could catch fire!" "People could panic!" "And Meg's on that stage." "Head of the honor society, remember?" " What time is it?" " Eight-thirty." " It starts at nine." " Where is this thing?" " The football field at the school." " We should get going." " It's gonna be close." " Here, take the car." " Who, me?" " What, you don't mind stealing it when I flip you the keys?" " What about you?" " I got something to do." "Go on." "Yeah, who's working today?" "Yeah, that's it!" "Move it back three feet!" " I'm gonna go look for Zach." " Okay." "Thank you for being so prompt, Miss Cummings." "Let's get this show on the road." "Instruments up." "Ready?" "Let's play people." " Hey, Stash, have you seen Zach?" " Hey, I'm looking for him too." "He's got my pain pills." "Hey, pal, what part of thirty miles an hour didn't you understand?" "We got Harper!" "I've got him!" "Come on!" "May I have your attention, please?" "We have a long programme to get through, people." "Our presentations this morning will be given out by Miss Rachel Buff." "Yeah." "Who is not quite here yet." "Meg!" "Get off the stage!" "Meg!" "Get off the stage!" "It's gonna blow up!" "Get off the stage!" " People, people, stay calm." "Ignore this..." " Off the stage, Fucks!" " Oh, I got you, Harper!" " No, Officer Dill, look!" "No, you look!" "You're under arrest!" "Oh, my God!" "Holy shit!" "Bevins!" "Stay with Harper!" "God, he's such a dildo!" "Go on, get out of here." "Get out of here." " Let's go." " Come on." "Homey's truck blew up, man!" "Mom?" "Yeah." "My truck just blew up." "I don't know." "No!" "Don't yell at me!" "Harper, what the hell is this?" "Pretty damn cool." "Mister Fuchs?" "It's All Bullshit." "I.A.B.?" ""It's All Bullshit"." "Just thought you might wanna know." "This is gonna get me into film school, for sure." "Hi, Paul!" " You were awesome!" " Thank you, baby!" " Oh, Paul, tell me you got that." " I got that." "The I.A.B. sees all." "So cool." "So, Zachary, the boys do nice work, huh?" "Yeah, they do." "Thanks." "Thanks for everything." " We gotta run." " Hey, kid..." "There's an extra ten in it for you if you bring her back cherry." "BJ!" "You a bad boy!" "Seven years and I've never missed a Homecoming." "And I never will." "I'll love you forever." "Double-header for BJ!" "I feel ya, dawg!" "I feel ya!" "Yes, yes, at West Valley High School." "There has been an explosion." "The main field." "Excus..." " You!" " Lieutenant, you remember." "That is so sweet." "You." "You, you, you..." "So, still mad at me?" "Furious." "Can't you tell?" "Bevins!" "Get over here and give me a hand!" "Bevins!" "Bevins!" "Who's that douchebag who got us this fire extinguisher?" "Bevins!" "Well, there you have it." "My page in the Dirty Deeds ledger." "You might ask what's to gain from any of this." "Do I need to say any more?" "subs by accident"