"Since I was currently homeless," "Turk and Carla were letting me crash here as long as I needed." "J.D., you have to get out." "This place is tiny!" "And I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hangin' all over the bathroom." "They're called boxers, Carla." "They're satin, J.D.?" "With a breathable cotton crotch panel!" "King me!" "Ugh, I need to find someone to split the rent at my place." "I thought you were getting good money at your new fellowship?" "So first, my fellowship gets canceled because some jackass cures the disease, and now the only job I can get is working at this crappy free clinic for eight bucks an hour." "No one's life could be worse than mine!" "Uh...the...fellowship's great!" "Heh!" "Oh God, Carla, please don't tell them" "I'm working at a free clinic!" "I sense she doesn't want me to tell them." "Women have an unspoken connection men can't even fathom!" "Dude, I know you can't look because Carla's here, but you're missing a crazy Victoria's Secrets commercial." "I'm watching Giselle in my spoon right now!" "You know... you--you two could solve both of your problems if you just moved in together." " Whooooooa." "Hold your horses!" " Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, and whoa-ho!" "We have a very complicated past." "Yeah, I hurt her, and I'm not proud." "I'm a little proud." "We've managed to restore our friendship, though, by staying away from dangerous topics." "Yeah, relationships, and things of that nature." "J.D. and I keep it superficial." "Love the superficial." "Dynamite teeth today!" "Oh, thanks, buddy!" "Sparkly!" "Fine, you can't live with Elliot!" "But you're not living with us, so get your crap out by Friday." "Friday?" "Friday." "Friday's my birthday!" "I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place." "Whose place?" "Your place." "Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone" "I've already got two e-yeses and twenty-four e-maybes." "That's a lot of e-sponses." "Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass." "It's a Mexican-themed fiesta." "on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday." "That means I'm turning thirty!" "Donde ?" "56 Wallnut Drive." "Cuando ?" "Thank you for asking ocho-thirty until upside-down question mark." "Sombreros at the door." "I'll be there." "Gracias amigo." "I borrowed one of your dictionaries!" "Since there were twelve surgical residents at Sacred Heart fighting for four attending spots," "Turk was ass-kissing the senior staff." "Oh, damn," "I left my briefcase upstairs." "'Scuse me a second!" "Turk thought he was the only one who heard that." "Docteur Wen, docteur Wen !" "DR. WEN!" "DR. WEN!" "I'VE GOT YOUR BR" "He was not." "I had no idea that there was that many Asian surgeons in this hospital.." "I got your back, T-Dog." "Then let it begin." "Quit fooling around with those guys and get down here!" "Here comes the big dog!" "Dude, thanks for having my back." "Yeah." "Betrayal five." "Hey, buddy." "Hey!" "Betrayal five." "DR. WEN!" "Oh, my briefcase!" "Y eah!" "You know, I totally saw that coming." "Episode 5x03 : "My day at the races"" "By z.e.k" "Dude, look at you!" "Thirty years old all growed up!" "Oh, really, Turk?" "Because the Sacred Heart sign" "I vandalized last night begs to differ! Hey!" "Remember when we were in college and we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by the time we turned thirty?" "Yeah!" "Check it!" ""Things to do by thirty:" "Get married." "Buy a house." "Learn difference between senator and congressman."" "Dude, you haven't done any of these yet." "I know!" "But who cares?" "I got all the time in the world." "I mean, I'm only turning thirty." "Thirty?" "No one's thirty." "Where did all these unsupervised children come from?" "So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs..." "Appendectomy?" "Now that ain't right!" "Look, fifteen percent of all surgical complications are anesthesia-related, so I would like to use hypnosis instead of the traditional anesthesia." "Well, I'd like to sleep with Beyoncé instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either, you know what I'm saying!" "?" "Tell you what, I'll think about it." "My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia." "Lookit, I'd like to throw it in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either." "Dr. Cox!" "Dr. Cox!" "No!" "Awful!" "Hypnosis is a very powerful tool." "It's helped people with depression and weight loss it helped me quit smoking." "Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges." "Now, you go tell your patient to let you do what you do best:" "Knock her out, and then start digging around inside of her like a blind man looking for a nickel." "I think you should do it." "Knock her out and dig." "Do it." "Dig." "Do it." "Dig." "Okay...." "I'm gonna go with Dr. Cox on this one." "That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it." "You always side with the wife even if she's got a full-blown case of the crazies." "Turk!" "We're gonna have kids soon." "We're supposed to be a team!" "That means you occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion!" "Like, what if we have a daughter and she wants to get her ears pierced?" "Irrelevant." "We're not having a daughter." "Okay." "What if we have a son and he wants to take dance class, even though all his friends are playing football?" "He can dance if he wants to...." "He can leave his friends behind...." ""'Cause his friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine!"" "So then I said, "What if our son wants to take dance class instead of play football with his friends?"" "and Turk ran off singing "Safety Dance."" "Carla, didn't you learn your lesson that time you told him the commissar was in town?" "Yeah...." "Ooh!" "Someone's leaving!" "We saw it first!" "Jordan, here's the plan:" "I'm gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes." "Now, you just make sure not to engage them." "Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one" "I've worked with her before she has no off button." "If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?" "Who's Jake?" "Jordan!" "..." "Non!" "He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in." "He's a little closed-off, you know?" "Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?" "Jordan Godzilla Sullivan!" "You stop that, and you stop it now!" "Why don't you try talking to humans for once?" "You might enjoy it!" "Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up?" "You know like Turk can be a little...immature you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex." "I bet you could do the same thing with Jake." "Or...maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now." "You know...before the loneliness burns too much?" "Gosh, I did enjoy that!" "Dude, you haven't done anything on this list!" "How could you never've slept naked on a hammock?" "I'm afraid of dragonflies." "You know what, I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this." "Neither one of us has made any headway with our lists." "First of all, don't lump me in with you 'cause I'm a surgeon, I'm married," "I've had sex while playing Frogger, and I'm gonna be a dad" "I'm moving through my list." "I've done nothing." "I mean, I did learn another language, but it was just that one where you put a "b" sound in the middle of every single word -- and I was never fluent." "That secret language was so lame." "Nobot with the labadabies!" "Dr. Kelso !" "Do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?" "There are four spots for next year." "Three if you're not counting the one going to me!" "I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton." "See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart did you see the sign?" "Though there will be no vandalism here, people!" "It was classic!" "Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed." "I don't know if you know this, but tomorrow I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia." "Well, it's about time." "Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh!" "Maybe because that's not my name." "Not yet, Turkleton!" "Not yet." "Elliot, I don't think I understand what you want." "I just want you to open up, you know, emotionally...spiritually...." "Uh, I'm not exactly religious, you know but I-I do think that God watches after my family and...well, my favorite sports teams." "Oh, and once in tenth grade, He made Jennifer Martin sleep with me." "Okay!" "How about opening up sexually?" "What's your wildest fantasy?" "Yeah...it's not happening." "Come on!" "Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screaming'!" "Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse all the screaming is in your head." "Yeah, but in there, it's crazy..." "All right, fine, why don't you tell me your--your wildest fantasy." "Okay, fine." "You're a Mexican apple thief," "I run the cider house;" "I catch you hiding behind the stonemill, you chase me into the tasting room oh, if there's a crow in there, fine, if not..." "I can live with it." "Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak a word of English, but you teach me more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exams." "And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery!" "Oh...heh." "God, I can be such an apple slut!" "Heh." "'Kay..." "When did we lose Mr. Heath?" "Oh, we didn't." "His vitals are fine." "Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients." "It's a slow day in the morgue." "Nothing's written in stone!" "You wrote a time of death!" "I wrote "one-ish"!" "Get outta here!" "Why are you so pissy?" "Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty." "I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then." "Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes?" "Haven't you used that joke like a trillion times?" "I'm okay with it." ""Invent a cereal"?" ""Complete a triathlon"?" "There's a, uh, triathlon tomorrow." "Thing One and Thing Two have been training vigorously for it." "We're working on our drafting technique!" "If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, then it's definitely working." "Ignoring him...." "And switch!" "That's it!" "I'll do the triathlon!" "Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!" "Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla" "And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas  Nuts." "You're not serious about this, are you?" "Why is everybody wearing wetsuits?" "This water's like forty-nine degrees, dumb-dumb!" "So what's your best time, buster?" "Honestly, Ted, it doesn't really matter." "As long as I finish by 6:41 tonight." "The harder you push yourself to do something, the harder it is to back out." "Whether you're caught in a lie with your wife..." "I heard you were doing the hypnosis surgery." "You actually listened to me!" "Hell yeah, I listened to you...baby, come on!" "That's the reason why I'm doing it, right?" "'Cause of you and how well I listen." "I love you." "I love you." "Or whether you're just trying to get your boyfriend to open up." "Come on, Jake!" "Come in there and show me what you're really like!" "No one is gonna judge you." "Oh my God, Jake!" "You wanna talk about it, Elliot?" "Nope !" "And sometimes, the only thing you can do is just dive in." "Oh, Jehovah, that's cold!" "Oh, God, why!" "There's a little...here's some more." "All right, ease it in...ease it in!" "As I side-stroked through the salty waters of the great Pacific pick an apple, put it in your pocket;" "pick an apple, put it in your pocket;" "I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was." "Why are all these cameras here?" "Turkleton, Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart." "I can't help it, it kills me!" "Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon." "If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!" "We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow." "No interviews!" "Turk?" "Turk, where are you going?" "Honey, I can't do this." "I don't believe in any of this hypnotism crap." "I only needed to impress Kelso." "Oh, so great, you lied to me." "I'm about to ruin my career by plunging a knife into a completely conscious person!" "But you know what, you're absolutely right 336 00:14:42,089 -- 00:14:43,288 let's focus on the lying." "As I reached the biking stage and finally realized what chafing was," "I got a surprise visitor." "How's it goin'?" "Well, my bike is rusty," "I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish." "Why are you here?" "Can I talk to you about Jake?" "It's a dangerous topic." "Talk to Carla." "Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together." "I've been dating this guy for a few weeks, but I just found out that he went on a gay cruise last month." "Probably a cheap trick." "Marry him, the four of us'll have dinner." "But he also said he might be gay!" "Dinner!" "Talking to you about Jake violates the two most important tenants of our relationship." "One:" "Keep discussion superficial." "And Two:" "No talking while my boys are straddling chrome." "That one's new." "Why don't you just try a higher gear?" "It's like pedaling in hummus!" "See ya, buddy!" "Oh, merci mon Dieu !" "Oh, thank God!" "I think the bike part's finally over!" "Oh, no!" "I can play with signs, too!" "This is great." "I'm being assisted by a magician." "The only way you're gonna get through this is if you believe it's gonna work." "That was just a fingernail, honey!" "How would you like it if I cut out your appendix?" "!" "Let's forget for one second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding, aid recovery, or help patients deal with pain." "You are married now." "So start believing what I tell you to believe!" "And DON'T PINCH ME!" "During the eight-mile run, dehydration set in." "Hang in there, buddy!" "See you at the luau!" "They already finished and cooked a pig?" "Hey, J.D." "Ahh, you're real." "Although the dolphin costume's a little odd." "This Jake thing is still really bothering me." "Elliot, you know our rules." "Yeah, I've been thinking about that." "Who wants to have a superficial friendship?" "I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be?" "Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything?" "I miss that." "This is working." "Not for me!" "I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out." "Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?" "I don't know!" "You tell me." "All right, fine, Elliot." "You wanna know why?" "You're just like me." "You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life." "But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with." "And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that;" "and you wanna know why?" "It's because he's not right for you, Elliot." "Are you happy now?" "You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes." "Must...finish...race." "You can do this." "You can do this." "What are you saying to her?" ""You can do this." "You can do this."" "Small world." "Scalpel." "Making first incision." "Well, here goes...." "All right!" "Clamp, please!" "They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end." "Sometimes it comes quietly." "I like red." "You do?" "Jake..." "I think we need to talk." "And sometimes, not so quietly." "You can do this..." "Oh-b, no-b." "You can do this!" "You can do this!" "You can do this!" "You can do this!" "And suddenly, you realize you've taken something as far as it can go." "What the hell was I thinking?" "No, you did great, baby." "She's right, Turkleton." "Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery." "I bet you could publish that." "Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine." "You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here." "How's this?" "Blow it out your ass, Bob." "See?" "My baby made some noise!" "Yeah, I made some noise, all right." "J.D., what you said before..." "I knew you were right." "Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad." "..." "Thanks." "You were wrong about one thing, though we are moving forward." "Elliot, I'm thirty years old;" "I'm single," "I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself." "Why don't you just move into my place?" "Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof." "By my watch, we've got eight minutes to finish this thing." "Come on." "A wise man once said the human spirit can overcome any obstacle." "I can't." "Come on!" "That man had obviously never run a triathlon." "You're not really helping!" "Are you sure this is the finish line?" "I think I see him." "As for me," "I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me." "We made it!" "And with--and with two minutes to spare!" "Baby, I'm not carrying 'em to the car." "Promise to help me get through my thirtieth?" "Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?" "Nope." "Did it involve chains?" "No." "Whips?" "Mm-mm." "Candle wax?" "No." "Role-playing?" "No." "Lasers?" "Mm-mm." "Hamsters?" "Negative." "Was he a Mexican apple thief?" "If only...."