"So, the guy gets up, and he dusts himself off, and he goes right back into the bar, and goes right up to the bartender and he says, "I accept that my wife is hairy..."" "pero no le avientes cacahuates!"" "Cacahuates." "I don't get it." "No, what did...?" "What did he say?" "It's not funny in English, man." "But in Spanish, it's so hilarious." "Yeah, yeah." "I feel bad for you, best friend." " Oh." " Well, I got a good one." " Okay." " Oh." "Ten people hear a joke, and only nine of 'em understand it." " Rob?" " That's really not funny." "Okay, who would like some flan?" "None for me and Nando." "No, no." "Rosa's got me on a diet every sine I screamed out "Ben and Jerry!" during sex." "Yeah." " And I am on the diet for moral support." " Yeah." "I'm exercising, I'm eating right, and you know what?" "I've never felt better." "Yeah, I knew you could do it." "Yeah, no more sweatpants in church for me." "I'm so proud of you, cariño." "Now, what does cariño mean?" "Is that like fatso?" "It means darling." "¿Como es posible que Rob no entiende nada de español?" "Me soprende que Rob hable cualquier idioma." "What'd they say?" "Huh?" "Nothing." "No." "Sounded like they were talking about me." "Lo peor de Rob es que se compra la ropa en el Baby Gap." "No, no, no." "I distinctly heard," ""Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Rob... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Baby Gap."" "I'm not making it up." "Don't worry about it." "Bueno, para mi, yo encuentro..." "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah." "Wah, wah, wah, wah." "Rob." "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah." " Wah, wah, wah, wah." " Wah, wah, wah, wah." "Wah, wah, Rob." "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah." "Wah, wah, wah, wah, Rob." "Best friend." "Wah, wah, wah, wah." "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!" "What?" "!" "I said, "Do you want some coffee""" "Yeah." "I'll take mine with cream and subtitles." "Well, while all the rest of you shove saturated fat down your throat, I'm going upstairs, getting on the elliptical, raise my heart rate, huh?" " Hmm." " Eduardo, no seconds for you?" "Hey, you're carrying it high." "Is it gonna be a girl?" "Yo quiero mas cafe, por favor." "Now, what is he saying about me?" "Rob, he just asked for some more coffee, and see?" "Mom just poured him more coffee." "Seems awfully convenient." "Margarita, would you please go get some more cream?" "That's okay." "I'll get it." "Maybe I'll share a joke with the English muffins." "Hey." "Shh!" "How'd you get down here?" "I crawled out the window, came in the back door." "Don't say a word." "Hey, look, if anybody didn't finish their flan, bring it in here, okay?" "Go on, go on." "Just tell me." "I want to know what your family keeps saying about me in Spanish." "Rob, it's really not worth worrying about." "Aha." "So, they are talking about me in Spanish." "I knew it!" "They're Mexican." "They talk about a lot of things in Spanish." "Do you expect them all to learn English?" "Oh, wait." "They did." "Well, then, they should speak it occasionally." "Honey, you're overreacting." "Oh, really?" "Well, what was that thing they said about me and Baby Gap?" "I don't even remember." "Maybe they thought you'd be a good employee at Baby Gap." "Well, I am an incredibly good clothes folder." "But they don't know that." "No, I'm telling you." "They're just speaking Spanish to exclude me." " No one's trying to exclude you." " No." "I've been excluded before." "I know the signs." "Soon, they won't let me sit next to them at the cool table at lunch." "Your dad'll start giving me wedgies." "Then your mom will shove me in the locker." "I'll feed you a cracker through the little slot." "That's what the janitor said, and I never saw him again." "Is anyone else here?" "Where?" "Here." "Oh, I-I don't think so." "Okay, good." "I want to talk to you about something." "Okay, yes." "Okay, this is really important." " Uh-huh." " I want to ask you something." "I want you to be completely honest with me." "Yeah?" "Okay, okay." "All right, I know, maybe I'm just being paranoid, but when we have these big family gatherings, is everybody saying horrible things about me in Spanish?" "Not everyone." "Some are just laughing at what the others are saying, you know?" "I knew it." "You know, and they think they can get away with it 'cause" "I don't understand a word they're saying." "They can, because you don't." "Well, there's only one thing left for me to do." "I'm gonna learn Spanish." "Oh, that's a wonderful idea!" "Then you could fully participate in your new family's life." "That's not what I'm going for at all!" "No, I'm gonna learn Spanish in secret, without telling any of them." "That way, the next time they're talking about me," "I'll just sit here quietly listening, and then, when they least expect it," "I'll jump up and go, "Ha!" "Eat your words!" ""Along with that insane hot sauce that burns coming in and going out."" "That's a sinister reason to learn a foreign language." "Well, they drove me to it." "Seriously, that's very dark." "But I support you, best friend, hmm?" "Do you know anyone who can teach me Spanish?" "Yes." "Me." "Got anybody else?" "Please, Rob, let me help you." "I know what it's like to have people laugh at you because there are certain words in their language you don't know how to pronounciplate." "It will be my honor to teach you Spanish." "Okay?" "Okay." "How hard could it be if you could speak it?" "Come on." "Out of my way!" "Out of my way!" "Out of my way!" "Yeah." "I ran back from work." "Five miles." "Ooh!" "Wow." "Don't overdo it." "Okay?" "You don't want to dehydrate." "Drink plenty of fluids." " Okay." "No problem." " Okay." "You want some bacon with that?" "You got any?" "A church basement, huh?" "Yeah." "I told the priest we were an AA meeting, so, please try to look sober when you leave." "I am sober." "Rob," "I'm not here to judge you." "I'm here to teach you Spanish, hmm?" "Okay, well, what do we do first?" "Oh!" "Ow!" "What the hell was that for?" "That was just to let you know who's in charge, hmm?" "I intend to be strict but fair." "Don't expect special treatment because we are best friends, huh?" "Ow!" "Give me that thing!" "Stop doing that!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Now you are ready to learn, huh?" "But before you can speak Spanish, you must put yourself in a Spanish frame of mind, okay?" "I want you to close your eyes." "Close your eyes." "And imagine yourself in a small Mexican village on the outskirts of Puerto Vallarta." "An attractive señorita approaches you and asks for your hand." "The string that holds her blouse closed is straining under the weight of her significant bosom." "You feel hungry like a baby." "How is any of this helping me learn Spanish?" "!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Say it." " Rob." " No, no." "Rob." " Rob." " No." "Rrr... ob." "Rrr..." "Rrrr..." "Rrrr..." "I know how to say my own name!" "It's Rob." "It's Rob." "Oh, that's terrible!" "Say "Rrrrob."" "Rrrrob." "Mom, there's something I've been meaning to discuss with you." "It's about Rob." "Don't worry." "Your children will not be stumpy." "Our side of the family has strong genes." "That's not it." "No?" "Look, it really bothers Rob when you and Dad speak in Spanish in front of him so much." "It bothers him that we have our own language and culture?" "No, he just thinks you're doing it so you can talk about him." "We are." "Exactly, because you still don't like him." "No, no, no, no, no." "It's, like, when I came to America, I wanted to know what people were talking about, so I learned to speak English." "Your abuelita didn't give a crap, so she didn't." " Where is Rob, anyway?" "It's late." " Well, he's been working a lot lately, going to a lot of business dinners." "Really?" "How long has this been going on?" "Mom, it's not like that!" "Mm-hmm." " Is he shaving on the weekends?" " No." "Okay, it's not an affair." "Why would you even think that?" "Okay, you're a newlywed." "You don't know these things." "New shirt, affair." "Good haircut, affair." "Buys you flowers, lost money gambling." "If he gets cowboy boots, go to the ATM and start withdrawing cash." "Lesson 21." "Speaking Spanish on the phone." "I'm going to call a real Mexican person, and I want you to read these Spanish words to them exactly as they're written." "What does it say?" "It's mostly about a man named Hector who is at a time in his life where he needs to see other people, not to feel tied down to just one woman." "All right, listen, are you..." "Are you using me to break up with your girlfriend?" "If that doesn't work, tell her I died in an earthquake." "She might buy that." "Look, I just need to know what they're saying about me in Spanish." "Basically, only a few words." "You know, like," ""annoying," "idiot,"" ""too old for my daughter," "short," "portly."" ""Horse's ass."" ""Horse's ass"?" "It can't hurt." "Oh, it's Maggie; hang on." "Hi, baby." "Yeah, the work meeting went great with, um," "Mr. Cross and, uh," "Mrs. Jesus." "Yeah, I thought it was a weird name, too." "Oh, you're with your mom?" "She's at her mom's." "We've got another hour." "Well I'm at home." "All right." "See you when you get here." "Love you, bye." "What'd he say?" "Oh, he screwed up." "Oh..." "He did, didn't he?" "Oh!" "He screwed up, didn't he?" "Mom, shh!" "He screwed up good." "What'd he do?" "So, what happened when your lying husband got home last night?" "He seemed perfectly normal." "I'm sure it was nothing." "No, it's never nothing." "He lied to you on the phone, Margarita." "Don't let him off the hook." "This is what the hook is for." "Come on, Mom." "Men lie." "Listen, do you think for one second I believe that your father is really on a diet?" "I know he's cheating." "I just haven't caught him yet." " Hey, Nando!" "Hey!" " H-Hey!" "Hey." "Woo, yeah." "Think I'm gonna make this a long one today." "I'm gonna maybe go around the Rose Bowl a couple times." "Okay, around the Rose Bowl?" "Oh, yeah." "Hey, would you do me a favor and grab me a little jar of that adobe sauce from that bodega on Arroyo?" "Sure." "Okay." "Sure." "Yeah." "I love to shop while I'm jogging." "Hey..." "Okay." "Okay, all right..." "Okay." "And can I borrow your car?" "Mine's in the shop." "Yeah, of course." "I won't need it." "No." "'Cause I'm running." "Using my feet." "Getting that runner's high, yeah?" "Well, I better go before my hammies tighten up." "Okay." "All right." "All right." "I'll see you." "Bye." "Wow." "He is good." "Eduardo?" "All right, go to plan B." "Meet me under the bridge, bring the sweaty clothes." "Yes, we're going to Taco Tim's." "It's Stuff Your Face Friday, guey." "This is ridiculous." "You know, I've been doing this for two weeks, and I haven't learned anything." "Hey, don't you worry, best friend, hm?" "For today, we're moving on to phase two." "Total immersion in Spanish." "Any questions?" "Yeah, who are these people?" "I have assembled some of the greatest Spanish-speaking minds to assist in teaching you conversational Spanish, hm?" "Rob, meet Juana, master of the Spanish tongue." "She also speaks Spanish very well." "Tito, a renowned expert in street Spanish." "He's also our busboy." "And last, but not least, Mr. Saul Weinberg, your old high school Spanish teacher." "Señor Weinberg?" "I thought you were dead." "He said he was taking me to the movies." "Well, time to learn." "Let's see if you can order lunch for everyone in Spanish." "And pay for it." "All right, this is a complete waste of time." "I'm going home." "No, that's it." "Hey." "No, I'm not..." "I'm not doing it." "Wait, wait." "Fernando?" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I was just, uh, having lunch with some friends, you know?" "And we're secretly teaching him Spanish so he can understand what everyone's saying about him." "Thank you." "Oh, wait till I tell Rosa and Maggie." "They're gonna have a field day with this one." "Well, they might be busy with my delightful story about your three bags of chimichangas." "You take the fun out of everything." "That's what's in his yearbook." "You know what, maybe we can help each other out." "You really want to learn Spanish?" "Yeah, I do." "Here's what we're gonna do." "You're gonna watch Mexican TV nonstop until you learn Spanish." "I just bought you five gallons of ice cream, and that's all you've got?" "Hey, it's how my father learned English." "He watched every episode of The Brady Bunch." "How long did that take him?" "Uh, right around the time Jan got braces." "Who's that?" "That's Esmeralda." "She inherited the rancho when her father's evil twin was struck by lightning." "Who's the girl in the bikini?" "Oh, that's Sister Consuela." "No, no, no, no, that's Sister Mercedes." "She's got the bigger rack." "Nice tattoos, huh?" "How could Esmeralda be upset with Julio Alejandro for moving back to the farm?" "He's from the farm." "Why are these people so cruel to each other?" "And what for?" "Are you crying?" "No." "It's just a dust allergy." "Yes, you are." "You're crying." "Hey, you know what this means?" " You understand Spanish." " Yes!" " Oh, my God." " Yeah." "I do, don't I?" "I understand Spanish." "Yeah!" "Entiendo español." "I understand Spanish." "You did it.!" "You know, I think the most important lesson we learned today, though, is that Rob cried like a baby, and we should never let him forget it." "Okay, relax, Rob." "Relax." "Huh?" "We have taught you well." "All right, I just got to check a couple more words." "No, no, you're ready, you're ready." "Look, we're gonna say some terrible things about you, and you're gonna understand every word." "Thanks." "More importantly, let's get our stories straight." "Okay, where did you see me?" "Running up the canyon, you jogged past two 20-year-olds who couldn't keep up with you." "Yeah." "And..." "I think you're really milking this." "And..." "And you were running backwards." "Good boy." "Oh, hang on, hang on." "You might need to know this one." "Who's gonna call me a scrotum?" "Abuelita has a filthy mouth." "Thank you." "This dip's delicious;" "What do you call it again?" "I'm not good with those Mexican words." "Uh, so, Rob, how are Mr. Cross and Mrs. Jesus?" "Who?" "Hmm..." "Que mentiroso." "Mami, por favor." "Mm-hmm." "Sh, Abuelita." "Atención." "Honey, are you okay?" "You do?" "Sí." "What's he talking about?" "Arigato." "Wow." "That was truly awful." "Well, this is your fault." "What?" "I spent 20 hours watching Mexican soap operas, and I didn't learn anything." "He cried;" "I saw it." "And you!" "Your lessons were terrible." "No." "Terrrrrible." "Rrrrr." "Terrrrrible." "So, so, that's what you've been doing?" "Learning Spanish?" "This is what the lying was all about?" "What did you think I was doing?" "Mami, admit you were wrong." "Fine." "Okay, I'm happy to." "I was wrong about Rob." "But you want to know what I wasn't wrong about?" "You were lying about your diet." "I found the hollowed-out book full of onion rings." "That's ridiculous." "You know I don't read." "Okay, prove it." "It's time for a weigh-in." "All right, if you insist, I'll go up to the bathroom and tell you how I do." "Not necessary." "I got a scale right here." "In front of everybody?" "In front of everybody." "You lost ten pounds?" "Yes." "And I would like an apology." "And I would like you to sing it." "I never doubted you for a second." "You deserve a treat." "How about some flan?" "I was thinking about something else." "Dinnertime." "Everybody..." "This says I weigh 98 pounds." "Keep your mouth elshuto, okay?" "I'm proud of you." "Well, I don't know why." "I only learned a little bit of Spanish." "But you made the effort." "That's what's so sweet." "Okay, I guess I am a little sweet." "I did learn a few things." "How to appreciate daytime drama, how to order hot wings, how to break up with a girlfriend who's stalking you." "You know, the important stuff." "Mm-hmm." "How much of it do you remember?" "Zilcho." " Oh, I do remember one thing." " What?" "Ooh." "Hey, that's what Sister Consuela said to the priest, right before she shot him with a spear gun."