"Check me out!" "The new uniforms just came in." "Alan made me join the team to work out, but I am working it." "I still can't believe you're playing on a softball team." "Don't you play with enough soft white balls at home?" "A, never." "B, we're not playing this afternoon." "We're a man short." "Josh was gonna fill in, but stupid Gabi took Josh and his dad out for a picnic to apologize for running over his dad's feet." "Do you realize how selfish you sound?" "This is the first time Josh is spending time with his dad." "I'm selfish?" "What about Josh?" "Josh promised to play in my game and abandoned me to spend time with his dad." "Like father like son." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "How was Josh gonna play anyway?" "Isn't it a gay league?" "Yeah, but you don't have to be gay to play." "We have a don't ask, don't tell policy." "Hey, you look like a barrel-chested aging athlete." "Can you play?" "A, thank you." "B, I can't." "I gotta sell Squirrel Ranger cookies with my group from church, but if you buy 20 boxes, we can talk." "Done." "I'll get you a uniform." "How many "X"s are there in front of you "L"?" "I can't believe this." "I can't believe you are actually mad at me." " I am speechless!" " Well, that's a first." "I had one chance to bond with my father and you ruined it." "You didn't stop talking the entire picnic." "Yeah, I only talked because I was trying to protect you from sounding so show-offy." "(scoffing laughs) Show-offy." "How was I show-offy?" "How?" "Oh, okay, let me see." "Uh... blah, blah, blah, my helicopter." "Blah, blah, blah, my vineyard." "Blah, blah, my helicopter to my vineyard." "We get it." "You're rich." "Well, excuse me for trying to make my dad proud." "Stop it!" "Now, you two need to focus on what's important." "It's Squirrel Ranger cookie season!" "All right, who wants in?" "I got Coco-nutties and Little Diddles." " What is going on out here?" " I'll tell you what's going on." "Thanks to her incessant yammering, my dad had a crappy time at the picnic." "He conveniently remembered he had a business meeting and he had to leave town early." "Yay!" "Now you can play in my game." "Was that selfish?" "I don't care." " Yay!" " (theme music playing)" "♪ She's in the spotlight ♪" "♪ And she turned my head ♪" "♪ She'd run a red light ♪" "♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪" "♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪" "You know, you try to be a good person... you try to bring a father and son together and then the whole thing blows up in your face and you get blamed for it." "So you're done butting in?" "Yes, I am." "Right after I trick Josh's dad into staying in town and then take him to Josh's softball game." "We're gonna watch the game." "We'll go out for drinks after, and then I'll sneak out the back and let them have their father-son moment." "Sounds like a good idea." "What?" "Well, obviously the picnic didn't go well so you want to give Josh and his dad a chance to try again." "I think it's a good move." "W... wait a minute." "You are never on board with my plans, which makes me feel like I shouldn't do it." "So I'm not gonna do it." "I'm staying home." "Okay, whatever you think is best." "Whatever I think is..." "Oh, no, uh-huh." "I'm on to you, Sofia." "You're just using reverse psychology on me so I'm gonna use reverse, reverse psychology on you, which means I am going to pick up Josh's dad." "Or should I say I'm not not going to pick him up?" " I said it was a good..." " Oh my God, shut up!" "I am sick of your negativity!" "Can I interest you in some Squirrel Ranger cookies?" "Nope, I'm good, er, but if you ask Sofia, she'll say she doesn't want any, which means she does." "Ooh, you got any snickerdoodles?" "Snicker, please." "You know I do." "Ooh!" "All right." "Since when are you a pack leader for the Squirrel Rangers?" "Uh, since I found out that the pack leader who sells the most cookies wins a cruise to Bora Bora." "Wow, what do the girls get?" "Who cares?" "I'll be on my cruise, but not if I don't sell 800 more boxes by this weekend." "Too bad I'm not in your group." "You were a Squirrel Ranger?" "Oh, I wasn't "a" Squirrel Ranger." "I was the best Squirrel Ranger in all of Miami." "And if a girl tried to sell cookies on my turf," "Lil' So-So would go Scarface on her ass." "I was the cookie kingpin, chica." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "When you're nine, cute, and me, you can sell anything to anybody." "Mm-hmm." "You have any interest in going to Bora Bora?" "Hell, yeah, I do." "(crowd cheers, applauds)" "Okay, here we are." "Nothing better for a father-son bonding softball game than an ice cold beer in a carefully concealed sippy cup." "Bases aren't the only thing that are about to get loaded." "I just don't get why Josh wanted me to come to his softball game?" "All he talked about at the picnic was how great he's done in life without me." "Clearly, he's trying to send me a message." "That's why I left early." "(scoffs) I knew it wasn't me." "Look, Gabi, I'm just gonna say it." "I keep having this feeling that Josh knows nothing about this" " and bringing me here was your idea." " W... what?" "You think I would risk my relationship with Josh by interfering in this very fragile father-son relationship?" "Well, you did it before when you picked me up at the airport." "Exactly, yes." "So what, you think I'd do it again?" "What am I?" "A fool?" "Matt, Josh felt so bad about what happened before and he wanted a second chance to connect with you." "So that's why he brought you here." "He... he wanted you to see the real him." "Okay, maybe this was a good idea." "Thank you." "I mean, you know, thank Josh 'cause he's the one who came up with it." "Josh, you're up." " Oh, stop, quick, turn around." " Why?" "Just 'cause." "Looking good." "Why, thank you." "I had the jersey tapered to accentuate my "V."" "No, nobody wanna see your "V!"" "Good luck, new guy." "I don't need luck." "I'm gonna drive this so deep." "(chuckles) From your lips." "All right, play ball." "(cheering)" "This is amazing." "I know." "It's all so clear now." "Now I know why Josh wanted me to be here." "It's like you said." "He wanted me to see" " the real him." " Yes!" " I am so proud of him." " Yes!" " He was afraid to tell me he was gay." " Yes!" "Yes!" "Wait, what?" "All right, that's enough of the butt slaps." "Sorry, boss." "(chanting) Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh, Josh, Josh!" "Hey, I need to talk to you." " Gabi, what are you doing here?" " Well, before I answer that," "I need you to know I only did it because I care about you." "What did you do?" "Well, I felt really bad about the picnic," " so I stopped your dad from leaving..." " What?" " and then I brought him here." " What?" "Will you stop interrupting me?" "When you hit that homer, your dad..." " Josh!" " Damn it." "I'm so proud of you." "You are?" "Josh, Josh, Josh..." "Not now, Gabi." "My dad's proud of me." "You were saying, Matt?" "Seeing you out here today, buddy, I... w-what can I say?" "I'm blown away." "Oh, it's nothin' really." "Been hitting dingers since seventh grade." "I want you to know, pal, you are so darn courageous." "(sighs)" "Bring it in." "Oh!" "(whimpers)" "We got so much to talk about." "I'm gonna call my office and cancel all my meetings because I want to hang out with my son and hear his whole story." "My dad's proud of me." "All it took was a home run, Gabi." "Who knew?" " Huh." " Thank you for bringing him." "Yeah." "Your dad thinks your gay." "What?" "Why does my dad think I'm gay?" "Well, the whole crowd is, and the teams are the San Fransisco Bears versus the Field of Queens." "So..." "Naturally, he just kind of assumed you were and then I agreed with him and didn't tell him you weren't." "What?" "Why would you do that?" "'Cause I knew how much you wanted to connect with him and then he finally felt connected to you, and I didn't..." "I didn't wanna ruin that." "I mean," " what was I supposed to do?" " Well, not say that." "Now you've made things more uncomfortable between me and him because now I got to tell him the truth." " Do you?" " Josh." "I changed my flight." "Now that this wall is down between us," "I can't wait to spend time with you, so I got us two tickets to Wicked." "Look, Matt, I got to be honest with ya." "Wicked's my favorite musical." " Good." " Yeah, so good." "Oh, my damn, Sofia, you look amazing." "I look exactly like I did when I was nine." "Told you I was cute." "It's time to turn that cute into loot." "Hey, buddy, looks like you got the munchies." "You buy ten boxes, you get one free." "And if I sell enough cookies, I win a trip to science camp." "Bible camp?" "Torah camp." "Shalom." "Hey, buddy, who's never seen me before, you look like you have the munchies." "You buy ten boxes, you get one free." "Now go find your mama's purse and bring Lil' So-So some crisp hundies." "Comprende?" "Buy ten boxes, get one free." "It's in your back pocket." "Why are you still wearing that?" "I can't take it off." "I walk down the street." "People point." "People stare." "It's like I'm a celebrity." "People probably think you're the Pillsbury Dough Girl." "Hee-hee!" "The point is, people are digging me and I am loving it." "I'm never going to get it dirty so I can wear it forever." "Uh, what about when you're playing softball?" "Oh, I never play." "I sit on the bench and I look sexy, and when it gets close to my turn, I got to the bathroom." " Oh!" " Oh." "No!" "My softball costume!" "Oh." "Come on, take it off." "I got some vodka in the laundry room." "Does vodka get out stains?" "No, but I'm gonna need some if ima see you without that shirt." "Oh!" "Hey, guys, did you have fun at Wicked?" "Oh, you know it." "That song "Defying Gravity" defies gravity." "It's sad you have to leave so soon." "I know, but I'm gonna see you on the Fourth of July." " Right, buddy?" " You bet." "I'll bring the sparkles." "I don't know how, but that actually worked." "I'm not gonna say you owe your entire relationship with your father to me, so you can say it." "Gabi, you are a genius." "You know, a week ago, I didn't even know my dad, and now he's part of my life." "I get to see him on the fourth, Thanksgiving, Christmas." "(clicks mouth) So you just have to be holiday gay." "Holli-gay, if you will." "But, Gabi, I gotta be straight with you." " What's wrong?" " No, no." "I gotta be straight with you." "Take off our clothes." "I'm using the punch card." "Welcome back, straight Josh." "I'm sorry, I forgot my..." "Oh my God." "Matt, it's not what it looks like." "I can't believe it." "Gabi's a man?" " I am obviously not a man!" " Okay, I didn't know." "I..." "I-I was trying to be open-minded." "I watch Transparent." "You probably want to know what's going on." "Gabi?" "Josh?" " Gabi!" " Josh." "Will one of you please tell me what's going on?" "Okay, look, Matt, I..." "I haven't been completely honest with you." "(sighs)" "(clears throat)" "I was..." "I was just so happy that we were bonding, and I didn't want anything to mess it up, but the truth is... (sighs deeply)" "I'm straight." "What?" "Why would you lie to me?" "Gabi?" "Um, well." "At first you guys didn't connect, but w-when you found out he was gay, you did." "And so that made it incredibly difficult for him to tell you that he is, in fact, an openly straight heterosexual man." "I can't believe this." "Ah, d-do you know how hard it was for me to come out here and meet you?" "Uh, probably as hard as it was for me to meet you." "I come out here to get to know my son and you lie to me and disrespect our relationship" " like it means nothing." " Whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You want to talk about a relationship that means nothing?" "How about you abandoning me 30 years ago, and not once trying to contact me?" " Josh." " No, how about the fact that all of my other friends had dads and I didn't." "You never taught me how to fish or how to drive or how to... how to unhook bras." "I don't think dads do that." "Well, I wouldn't know because I never had a dad." "G... oh..." "God..." "I..." "I..." "I think I'd just..." "I'd better leave." "Of course you do because that's what you do best, leave." "Josh, I'm so sorry." " Do you want me to go talk to him?" " No, I don't want you to talk to him." "I don't want you to talk to me." "J-j-just butt out, Gabi." "I miss gay Josh." "Baby, we did it." "We won." "Woo!" "Bora Bora, here we come." "Ooh, yes." "Sorry about the ceremony taking so long." "All those Squirrel Rangers speeches and songs, so Bora-boring." "Ooh, I can't wait to have a big old piña colada." "I can't wait to have a big ol' piña in Yolanda." "I'm gonna get us some champagne." "Oh, don't bother." "I have something stronger in my room." " (knocking)" " Ms. Perkins?" "Yolanda, you left the ceremony without your cruise tickets." "(laughing) I did." "I was just so caught up with all those songs and speeches." "Can I just say you make me proud to be a part of this organization?" "Your hard work is an inspiration to those girls." "SOFIA:" "Who's ready for some tequila?" "Is that Squirrel Ranger drinking alcohol?" "Sofia, this is Ms. Perkins, the regional director for the Squirrel Rangers." "Um, you know what, this is actually okay because I look young," " but I'm actually 24." " Mm-hmm." "So you're impersonating a Squirrel Ranger?" "Uh, what's worse?" "Impersonating a Squirrel Ranger or being a drunk nine-year-old?" "Sofia, I can't believe this." "You tricked me." "Sandy, I had no knowledge of this." "And given the situation," "I think that you and I should go on this cruise." "I don't think so." "You've disgraced the Squirrel Rangers." "Now hand over your sash." "Damn it." "Sash!" "She said sash!" "Thank God." "You can have this." "Oh, my damn." "(sighs)" "Want to smoke some of that and eat a bunch of cookies?" "When they go low, we get high." "What's all this?" "I wanted to extend an olive brunch." "You get it?" "It'll hit you later." "Listen, I just..." "I wanted to apologize about everything that happened with your dad." "Look, it wasn't all your fault." "I mean, I went along with the plan." "Yeah, but I started it." "Right, I want you to know that I'm done butting in." "After thinking of everything you did to get you and your dad together," "I realized that you can't force people to connect." "(knocking)" "You know, not every relationship has a happy ending." "You better be here to give Josh a happy ending!" "No... no... n-not... not like that." "I didn't do this." "I couldn't leave things like that." "Josh, I just want to say that you were right about everything and I am really sorry." "I have no excuse for abandoning you and your mom." "You were young and terrified and confused." " BOTH:" "Gabi." " Okay." "When Gabi told me you were gay," "I thought I could swoop in and be the cool accepting dad you never had." "That way, it'd make up for a little of the time I wasn't there for you." "Yeah." "I think maybe we just put a little too much pressure on ourselves too, trying to make up for 30 years in two days." "Maybe we did." "What if I stuck around for an extra day?" "We could go fishing, catch a game." "Actually, and I kid you not, you know what I'd like to do?" "See Wicked again." "So would I!" " It was surprisingly great." " Right?" "!" "Such a fresh twist on a classic tale." "Tell you what." "Why don't we go enjoy Gabi's brunch?" " I'll get us tickets." " That'd be great." "See if you can get us house seats." "Come on, you're rich." "Looks like..." "looks like everything worked out, which means butting in does work." "Not every time... (sing-songy) but most times." "Argh!" "Oh." "Oh, my back!" "Whew, I can't play." "(exhales) Who's left on the bench?" "Elliot!" "Uhhh, I have to go to the bathroom." "No, no, no, Elliot, we need you." "For what?" "A fro-yo run?" "It's the bottom of the ninth, two outs." "We're down a run and the bases are loaded!" "I don't know what any of that means." "Just go stand there" " and get hit by a pitch." " Oof." "But then my softball costume will get dirty," " Yeah!" " and it's so beautiful." "Look, it's whiter than a Mumford  Sons concert." "Just take one for the team." "I can't!" "Hah-ha!" "(heroic music plays)"