"I've been here for a week now, and now that I'm all settled in, it would really help me out if we got an Internet hookup." "And before you say no, I pay for it." "No." "You're not even gonna consider it?" "Oh, I do consider it." "I consider it a no." " Why can't we get the Internet?" " We don't need Internet." "Well, I do." "I'm a writer." " I need to do research." " Research?" "I got a complete set of Collier's encyclopedia in the other room." "That's great." "Still wondering how that Korean war's gonna turn out." "Get your news the way I and millions of other Americans do... the daily paper." "I really need this." "No." "Give me one good reason." "Okay." "Any new technology leads to my kids masturbating." "What are you talking about?" "Well, the summer I got the VCR, it was... it was Vince and... and... and Porky's." "Summer I got cable, it was you and The Little Mermaid." "I'm afraid if we get Internet," "I'll have to move to higher ground." "Dad... try to imagine the Internet not as the masturbation superhighway, but as the main route that leads from me to every other part of my life." "My work life, my social life..." "It's all done online." "It's how I'm gonna get my next job." "It's how I communicate." "Come on." "Don't say no." "Okay." "Nyet." "Not gonna happen." "Never." "Nada." "No." "Nope." "No, no..." "Stradamus." "♪ No no no no no ♪" "♪ no no no no no ♪" "♪ no no no no no no no ♪" "♪ no no no no no, no no no no no ♪" "♪ no no no no no no no ♪" "Knock, knock." "I'm just dropping off your dry cleaning, and then I have to go." "Here is your gray vest, your gray-ish vest, and your off-gray vest." "You can wear them all to the gray pride parade." "Hey-oh!" "Did you ask him?" "I said I didn't want to ask him about it because it's embarrassing." "Ugh." "Why is it embarrassing?" "Honey, he's a doctor." "We're all adults here." "Look, dad, will you look at my wife's boob?" " I'm looking at him." " Okay." "I have got a small rash in this area right here, and Vince thought I should describe it to you, so you could diagnose it." "Oh, wait, I know." "Why don't we just look it up on the Internet?" "Oh, wait..." " Let me take a look." " Mm, no." "Yeah." "It's hard enough showing them to him." "Bonnie, I've been a doctor for 43 years." "I've seen 811 breasts in my time." "And I can assure you that yours will not be the ones" "I'll be thinking about when I go to bed tonight." "So if you want me to put your mind at ease, fine." "If not, I've spent way too much time talking about your boobs." "Okay, fine." "Let's make it quick." "So how's it going living with dad?" "Oh, I don't know." "This morning I asked him if we can get Internet, and he said no." "But that wasn't good enough, so then he sang no." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I've heard many tracks off the old "no" album." "Wake me up before you no-no." "Lucy in the sky with no." "Anyway, it doesn't matter." "I already called the phone company." "They're sending someone out today to install the Internet." "Whoa." "No, that's... that's not gonna go over well." "Come on, the man hates change." "You know that." "Well, he should've thought about that before he asked me to move in." "Look, it's fine you moved in." "Just don't expect him to accommodate you." "Why not?" "He accommodates his vegetables." "In the wintertime, he puts stocking caps on his artichokes." "I'm his son." "He doesn't give me an extra blanket." "Come here, Henry." "Come on." "Why are you... why are you holding me so tight?" "Dah dah dah." "Wait for it." " Oh, my God, that's awful!" " Is that so?" "All right, let's take a look." "Oh, God, this is weird." "I mean, shouldn't we talk first?" "You want me to buy you an appletini and tell you you look pretty?" "I guess it doesn't matter." "Okay." "Okay." "What does it look like?" "It looks like a clavicle." "I need to see more." "Okay." "Now... now what do you see?" "Looks like the bottom of the clavicle." "This is just so weird." "I mean, I've..." "I've seen you get a midnight snack in nothing but your t-shirt." "Ugh." "Why did that cookie jar have to be on top of that fridge?" "I just squinted and told myself it was Winnie the pooh reaching for a honey-pot." "Right now I'm just your doctor, and you're just my patient." "Now, you're gonna have to let me examine you." "Just relax." "Okay." "Here goes." "God, I would kill for an appletini." "Oh, God." "Uh-oh." "Oh, God." "Doctor, is it bad?" "Is it fatal?" "Please, I can't die." "I've never kissed an Asian woman." "What?" "No." "It's gonna be cold tonight, and I forgot to put the blankets on the turnips." "Oh." "Oh." "Phew." "Well, disregard that whole Asian-woman thing." "It's just, you know, something you say." "Look, I got to tell you," "I think you having the cable guy come over here is a big mistake." "Henry, the safest way to get something from dad is to injure yourself." " What are you talking about?" " It's real simple, Henry." "If you get hurt, dad will buy you a present." "I don't know if it's guilt or what, but you want the Internet, that's the way to go." "You injure yourself on purpose?" "Not always." "Not always." "Sometimes it's just a happy accident." "Look, see this?" "See that scar?" "Fell out of a tree, broke an elbow..." "Springsteen tickets." "Look at this one." "See that?" "Cannonball into a kiddie pool, shattered kneecap... limo to my prom." "What's this guy?" "That... well, that's a limo accident, 'cause dad wouldn't pay for a driver." " All done." " How's Bon?" "Oh, she's fine." "Just a harmless fungus infection." "Don't worry." "It's not contagious." "Tinea versicolor..." "treat it with cortisone, goes away in a couple of days." "Tinea versicolor?" "Yes." "That's the name of the fungus." "It's very common." "And under a microscope, it looks like spaghetti and meatballs." "I'm sorry." "It looks like what, now?" "When you magnify the rash, it looks like little stringy white things coming down in a reddish, viscous fluid with brown, lumpy things growing inside... you know, spaghetti and meatballs." "Spaghetti and meatballs on her boob?" "Bon appe-teets." "If you move... two things will happen." "The first, the gun getting cocked, the second, the inverse of that." "Whoa!" "Dad!" "What the hell?" "Henry, stay out of it!" "Call 911." "Tell them there's been a terrible accident!" "Dude, I'm just the Internet guy." "Dude, you're a big dude." "I don't have Internet!" "I know." "That's why I called him." "He's putting in the Internet." "Put that down." "You called after I specifically told you not to?" "Dad, you're being ridiculous." "Will you please tell him that everyone has the Internet now?" "Tell him it's my house, and I make the rules!" "It's his house." "He makes the rules." "Why didn't you tell him about the Internet?" "He's got a gun pointed at my wiener." " He's not gonna shoot you." " Oh, yes, I will." " He's just trying to scare you." " It's working." "Please tell him that our generation cannot function without the Internet." "I mean, it's true." "He makes a valid point." "You tell him your generation can't function without wieners!" "Again... again, he wins." "I use my wiener for lots of stuff." "I told you he's not going to shoot you." "I told you I will." "You know what?" "Go ahead." "Wait." "What?" " Don't you try me, Henry!" " Shoot him." "Dude!" "He's bluffing." "He's not gonna shoot you." "Shoot him!" " I will!" " Do it!" " Happy to you!" " Dude!" "What are you waiting for?" "Don't call my bluff, Henry!" "This isn't the movies!" "Things will get very messy!" " I'll help you clean up." " Oh, sure." "The day you clean something up." "Will you stop stalling and shoot this guy?" " I will!" " Do it!" "Oh, my God." "I will blow this stoner away!" "Oh, for God sakes, shoot him, or I will!" " Aah!" " Relax." "No one's shooting anybody." "This thing ain't even loaded." "Not cool!" "Not cool at all!" "What's the matter with you?" "What are you thinking of?" "Don't you ever grab a gun out of my hand." "You could've killed that kid or ruined that picture of me and Steve Garvey." "I didn't think you'd actually keep a loaded gun in the house!" "It's not the house!" "It's my house, and in my house, we have loaded guns, and we don't have Internet, and nothing's going to change!" "Things have changed, dad!" "I live here!" "You can't expect to have the same life you had before you asked me to move in." "Then you change, not me!" "If you don't like it, go move someplace else." "Give me your hand." "Fine." "A truce." "Truce, my ass." "I never leave my prints on a gun that just went off." "Dad... you don't want me here, do you?" "No, I don't." "Wow." "Not even an attempt at being nice." "No." "I don't want you here." "You're standing on my radishes." " It's dirt." " Dirt?" "It's earth that's nourishing the radishes you're trampling on." "Get out." "Nobody eats radishes, dad." "They're salad filler." "Watch your mouth." "Are you done?" "'Cause I'm busy." "Fine." "I don't know why I thought moving in with you would be a good idea." "I'm glad you're here." "Well, you have a really funny way of showing it." "Showing what?" "I'm talking to the tomatoes." "They were battling aphids all year long." "They barely made it." "Can I ask you a question?" "How come you have a better relationship with your vegetables than you do with your children?" "Because with vegetables, there are no surprises." "You always know what you're gonna get when they grow up." "Put a cucumber seed in the ground, it never comes up a turnip." "I've never had a zucchini try and change me." "I've never had a carrot ask me for Internet." "This isn't about the Internet, dad." "It's about you refusing to make any compromises for me." "I'm letting you live here, aren't I?" " That's a compromise." " You're letting me stay here." "You are not letting me live here." "If you're not living here, how come the soap has a beard?" "You know what?" "You just gave me your answer." "I'm gonna find somewhere else to live." "Well, look who just grew a pair." "You're the one always telling me to fight for what I believe in." "What are you blithering about?" "I'm talking to the pear tree." "It just grew it's first pear." "Bon?" "Bonnie." "Oooh!" "Whaah!" "Vince." "Vince, are you okay?" "Oh, I just had a horrible dream." "Oh, that one where you're in the hot tub with all the women from the view?" "Much worse than that." "No, honey, it's not a big deal." "I'm just gonna get up, get ready for work." "Actually, honey, I was thinking since we don't have to show any condos until 10:00 a.m., you know, maybe we could have our own little open house right here, if you know what I mean." "I'm in the market for a 1967 California fixer-upper with strong beams and a bonus room out back." "Well, market's a little..." "Soft right now." "I'm sure we could work on firming up an offer." " Oh, oh, oh." " Come here." "No." "No." "I... wait." "Wait." "What are you doing?" " What... uh, what do you mean?" " Why won't you touch me?" "Is it the rash?" "Is that what's bothering you?" "Come on." "No." "I don't care about that whole... s... spaghetti thing." "What spaghetti thing?" "You know, how your... your rash looks like spaghetti and m... oh." "What are you... what are you talking about?" "Your rash." "Your rash looks exactly like spaghetti and meat..." "Ah!" "Under a microscope." " How do you know?" " I looked it up online." "And it looks like spaghetti?" "And meat... ah!" "And so I'm guessing that bothers you." "No." "Well, then touch my boobs, Vince." "How about... how about I just talk to them?" "Touch 'em." "Okay." "Oh." "There." "Huh?" "I have a bone to pick with you." "Oh." "You finally found your birth certificate." "I didn't want to name you Carol." "I lost a bet." "Um, my real name is..." "Carol?" "No." "What's up, Vince?" "Dad, I should've never let you examine my wife." "Now every time I look at her boobs," "I think of spaghetti and... you know what." "Son, during the course of a marriage, your wife's boobs will come to resemble many things." "Bet you a quarter you'll look back on the good old days when they only reminded you of spaghetti and meatballs." "Hey!" "Can one of you guys toss me a water?" "What the hell are you doing up there?" "I'm up here, because this is the only place" "I get a wireless signal." "And right now I'm using it to find somewhere else to live, 'cause I'm moving out." "What point are you trying to make?" "I'm not making any point." "I'm just chatting with a guy online right now who's gonna let me live in his guesthouse for free." "All I got to do is walk his dog, water his plants..." "And do it in a giant diaper." "Well, come on down, and we'll discuss it." "Dad, there's nothing to discuss." "If you want me to come down, you're gonna have to agree to start making some compromises." "Are you giving me an ultimatum?" "Yeah." "Yes, I am." "Well, let me think about this." "♪ no no no, no no no ♪" "♪ no no no no no ♪" "♪ no no no, no no no no no no no no ♪" "♪ no no no, no no no no no no no no ♪" "♪ No!" "No no no no no ♪" "Please, it's really hot up here." "Will you toss me a water?" "Aah!" "The garden!" "I'm not gonna apologize to you, mainly because I'm not the dumbass who almost killed himself." "But you made me realize that if we're gonna live together," "I need to bend a little too." "So if getting the Internet will stop you from doing dumb crap like going on the roof to work," "I can live with that." "Thanks, dad." "I love you too." "I didn't say that." "Jeez!" "You're like a woman." "Take a perfectly fine moment and spoil it with "I love you."" "Anyway, I'm glad you fell on something soft and didn't get hurt." "He landed on me." "Come on, what do I get?" "Get?" "Who gets something just because they got hurt?" "I got a spare blender." "You want a blender?" "I'll take a blender." " Who's hungry?" " I am." "Okay, spaghetti and meatballs." "Spaghetti and meatballs." "I get spaghetti and meatballs and Vince... well, Vince gets a rice cake." "Why doesn't Vince get spaghetti and meatballs?" "Because Vince finds spaghetti and meatballs repellent." "So Vince won't get spaghetti and meatballs ever again." "Never?" "Not one noodle... not one ball." "But I'm..." "I'm hungry." "For this?" "Yes." "You want it?" "I want it bad." "Then eat it, Vince." "Eat my pasta." "That's it." "There you go." "There you go." "There you go." "How's that?" "How's that, huh?" "Huh?" "Yeah, yeah." "I want you to burn this into your brain, so you never again ask me a question as stupid as, why do I relate better to vegetables than people?" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Tell me what it does." "Well, you can look up anything you want." "What do you like?" "I like horses, beautiful women, vegetables." "The rest is gravy." "Oh, I like gravy." "Okay, well, I'm not gonna look up horses and beautiful women, because I did that once, and I'm still trying to un-see it." "Let's try this." "What was that?" "Check your screen." ""Hellop"?" "What's "hellop"?" "It's supposed to say "hello." It's an instant message." "Now you reply." "Okay. "Hellop" to you." "No, you... you type it." " Oh." " All right, now hit "send."" "Good." "That was quick." " You got that?" " Yeah." "It's an instant message." "And "freeloader" is one word." "This is great." "You can have a conversation without talking." "Thanks, dad." "I was talking to my cucumbers."