"Eye-o-fry!" "Eye-o-fry." "Eye-o-fry, eye-o-fry." "Excuse me, I've been passing by here for the last five years and I've always wanted to ask you:" "What exactly are you calling out?" "I should have thought it was obvious:" " Eye-o-fry!" " Yes, I know that..." " What are you selling?" " Nothing, I'm buying." " Well, what are you buying?" " Eye-o-fry." " Yes, but what are they?" " I dunno." " You don't know?" " My dad taught me how to call out "Eye-o-fry" before I was this high." "Only he died before he could tell me what it was." "To coin a phrase:" "Mind not the reason why, mind but to eye-o-fry, eye-o-fry!" " Have you never bought any?" " No." "If you don't know what you're buying and never bought any, why do you go round year after year crying out for them?" " It's my living, innit?" " I see." " We all do it, all the family." " It's the family line, is it?" "We don't all call out "Eye-o-fry!"." "There's my mother, she calls out:" ""Apples, a pound pound!"" "Really, what does she sell?" " Violets." " Violets..." "Why does she call out apples a pound pears?" " She's got a side line." " I see." "She mends boots." "And then there's my brother." "He goes about calling:" "Hyawodawyowagown!" "Very interesting." "Why does he call that?" "He's potty." " Eye-o-fry!" " To get back to your own cry..." "If your father never told you what it was, wouldn't it be easy to just lift the tarpaulin and have a look?" " I couldn't do that!" " Why not?" "What's lying under that tarpaulin has been undisturbed since queen Victoria was alive." "But did your father ever tell you not to?" " No." " There you are then." "If I was to find out what eye-o-fry is," "I could call it out with renewed confidance!" " Of course you could!" " I'll have a look then!" " Yes, you look!" " I will!" " My god!" " What is it?" "You know what's laid undisturbed under that tarpaulin for a hundred years?" " No, what?" "It's a whole barrowload of eye-o-fry!" "Eye-o-fry, eye-o-fry!" "Excuse me, sir, there's a Mr Cartwright waiting to see you, sir." "He's come about a mortgage." " Well, has he an appointment?" " Yes, he phoned up yesterday." " Well, send him in." " Yes, sir." "(BELLS JINGLING)" " Morning." " Morning." "Do sit down." "Thank you." "I'll just finish signing..." " Who are you?" " Cartwright." "George Cartwright." "I've come to see you about a mortgage." "Excuse me asking, but are you an actor of some sort?" "Oh, no, I'm a gnome." " Oh." "And you want a mortgage?" " Yes." "I suppose there's no reason why not." " Mr Cartwright..." " (JINGLING)" "Wha..." "What, er...what's your occupation?" "Er...garden gnome." "I can hardly put that on a proposal form." "How do you make your money?" "Oh, well, I weave magic spells by the light of the full moon to transmute base metal into gold." "Ah." "Yes." "Erm..." "Night-worker in a metal factory." "How would that do?" "Now, er...this...this property, what is it?" "Er...the Magic Oak Tree, Dingly Dell." " It's, er...it's a pub?" " No." " No." "It's a...?" " Tree." " Magic Oak Tree." "In Dingly Dell." " In Dingly Dell, yes." " Where...where is Dingly Dell?" " Wonderland." "I know you'll think me a fool for asking, but where exactly is Wonderland?" "Er...at the rainbow's end, just along the A38, and turn right." " Fine." " It's near Bristol." "That's fine." "Thank you very much indeed." "And, erm...so you are a night-worker in a metal factory and you, er...want to purchase a ma...erm... a property, shall we call it?" "A property near Bristol." " Now, what is the value of the property?" " 40 bags of acorns." "Roughly what would that be, er...in sterling?" "Well, let's see, invested at 4.5%... (MUTTERS)" " About £5,000." " £5,000." " Is it a good neighbourhood?" " Oh, very nice, very nice." " Could you be a little more specific?" " Yes." "Well, er..." "Tim the badger lives in the Creaky Hollow, and a couple of pixies have moved into the hollow tree, the Wobbly Tree in Shiner's Meadow." "The weasels may be moving out of the Whistling Warren." "I see." "Well, I thi... (CLEARS THROAT)" "I think we could describe that as an improving area." " Oh, yes." " Especially if the weasels leave." " If the weasels go, yes." " I won't put that down." "I don't see what the problem is." "I'm just a common or garden gnome wanting a mortgage on a magic tree." "Yes, I mean, I know that, Mr Cartwright, and you know that, but other people..." "Let me put it this way." "You're a..." "You're a night-worker in a metal factory who wants to purchase a £5,000...property in an improving area." " Put like that, and only like that..." " Only that." " ..we may be able to help you." " Thank you." "I shall have to ask the managing director, and when he arrives, if you could remember NOT to mention Tim the badger or wobbly trees or weasels..." " Ooh, I'd better not mention the weasels." " Especially not." " Fine." "I'll give the managing director a call." " OK." "Er...this is Mr Cartwright, sir." "How do you do?" "I've come to see you about a mortgage." "Halt!" "Who goes there?" "Who goes where?" "There." "I can see you." "Who goes there?" "Actually my name is A.J. Huffington." "Advance, A.J. Huffington!" "And be recognised!" "Don't be ridiculous, we've never met." "Pardon?" "How could you possibly recognise me if you've never seen me before?" "Haven't you got a photograph or something?" " As a matter of fact I have." "There." " But that's not you!" "No, that's uncle George and aunt Clarissa." " Very good of them, isn't it?" " I don't know, I never met her." "You should." "A bundle of fun." "Life and soul of the party." "But what about you?" "I'm quite the reverse, the introvert type." "Bach, books, that sort of thing." " You're very small for a sentry." " No I'm not." " Yes, you are." " I am not small!" "I could lean on your hat." "Quite easily." "And what would my little sentry do then?" "I should have to shoot you." "With your hat over your eyes?" "Look, you've got to do this properly, you've got to be recognised." "But you recognised me, you know my name." " Yes, A.J. Huffington." " Quite right, and who's that?" "Uncle George and aunt Clarissa." "There you are you see, you're practically one of the family." " You're supposed to know the password!" " Oh nonsense, there isn't one." " There is!" " Isn't!" " What is it then?" " Green bananas." "Well done!" "You may be small, but you're damn efficient." "Yes, I'd like to stay here talking to you further..." " Godfrey." "But I got to get inside, microfilms, tapes, plans to steal, bombs to plant, all that sort of..." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Who are you:" "Friend, or foe?" "Was hoping you weren't going to ask me that." " Foe, actually." " Foe?" "And all those other people out there in the bushes pointing rifles at you..." "Not the one at the end, that's aunt Clarissa..." "But all the rest of them, they're foes as well." " Foes as well..." " Yes." " Well..." " Well?" " Well..." " Well?" "Pass, Foe!" " I thought I was a goner there!" " Morning Harold." "Morgning, George." "I thought I was a goner there." " Why what happened?" " I was having a stroll on the butter, and he come at me with a rolled-up newspaper." "Make love not war, mate!" "What were you doing on the butter in the first place?" "I was on me way to the marmelade." "It's the most direct route, anyway, it's not as picturesque as cutting accross the fried egg." "Fried egg's best this time of morning, before it congeals!" "I don't like it greasy, I can't stand greasy food." "Disgusting." "I thought, if I got to the marmelade before he does and I run round the rim, dangle me feet in it a bit," "I thought that'd put him off, see?" "Hang on, he's gone!" "Come on, race you to the sugar bowl!" "Right!" " So how's the family then?" " Mustn't complain." "Still living in that old pork pie on tha coffee stall?" "No, had to move." "Family of black beetles moved into the sausage roll." "You know what it's like:" "Before the end of the week they're all over the place." "It lowers the tone of the pork pie." "I've heard as many as 25 lived in one scotch egg." "Disgusting." "I don't know why we flies do that." "I don't particularly enjoy it." " Do you?" " No." "Fancy a creep up the cheese before the crowd arrive?" "Don't mind." " So where are you living then?" " Same old place..." " The dog?" " Yeah." "Plenty of place for the children to play." "We've let one of the ears to a retired flea." " Really?" " Used to be with a circus, nice class of flea, keeps himself to himself, not too clean, I'm glad to say." "Still, he's a bit of company for the wife when I'm away on business." "Oh yeah." "We're thinking of retiring." "and opening a theatrical boarding dog, you know." "Retiring?" "I'm thinking of emigrating." " Fed up?" " Yeah, I mean, what is my life, hanging around dustbins, crawling up drains, wiping me feet on the bread, promiscuous sex on a ration of streaky?" "There must be more to life than just pleasure!" "Why are we here?" "I don't know." "Sometimes I wonder:" "God put us all here for some purpose." "Even human beings are on the earth for some reason, even though it may not be obvious to us." "Now there's a puzzle, what's the point of them?" " I'll tell you what the puzzle is to me?" " What's that, Harold?" "Human beings." "You ask any fly and he can't tell you." " What?" " Where do human beings go in winter?" "That's a puzzle." "I say, it's a lovely day, fancy a dip in the milk jug?" "I don't mind." "I'll race you there." "Last one in is a tsetse." "Good evening." "The item you're about to see, may shock you, may horrify you, may upset you." "Nevertheless we feel we have a public duty to pose the question:" "Who are The Black And White Minstrels?" "A lot of people ask why, but that would take lot longer to answer." "Here is a typical sample of their work." "On the face of it, harmless, pleasant entertainment." "But why is it necessary for 30 grown men to put on coco and pose as negroes?" "After all in this country today there are over a million real negroes." "Surely the BBC could have found 30, who couldn't sing or dance and had no sense of rhythm?" "But no!" "No, no instead they insist on hoisting this bizar lie on a gullible public week after week." "What is the truth that lurks behind the coco?" "Who are these men?" "This so-called Tony Mercer." "What proof have we that it actually is Tony Mercer?" "In that get-up he could be anybody!" "He's obviously not a singer." "I mean look at that build, those chubby hands, those little pink rimmed eyes." "I mean he could be anybody." "I suggest you, in fact that this man is none other than..." "Lord Hill, chairman of the BBC board of governors." "And what of the man who calls himself Di Francis?" "His rise to fame coincided with the decline of the BBC program "Monitor"." "It's obviously a phoney Welsh name" "I suggest you that this man is in fact..." "Hugh Weldon, head of BBC programs!" "Or as he likes to call himself, "Hugh, the pit-head"." "It's when one considers John Bolter that the blood runs cold." "Look carefully." "Listen." "Moonlight... "and roses", yes." "That high-pitched, almost female voice, those curious mannerisms..." "I suggest you that the name John Bolter shields the identity of... head of BBC2, David Attenborough!" "Week after week these men attempt to supplement their pathetic miserable official pittances by the pretence of being entertainers." "And it doesn't end there." "Look." "Kenneth "Bojangles" Allsop," "Cliff "Banjo" Mitchelmore," "Alan "Alabami Bound" Wicker," "Peter "Just a Coon" West," "Robin "Rufus Rastas" Day, and Kenneth "Hush My Mouth" Wustenholme." "It's a sad commentary that men like these should be forced to descend to earn their living like this." "The remedy is in your hands:" "Pay your licence fees!" "Make the BBC solvent so that these miserable wretches can be paid a living wage." "It doesn't end there it's not just The Black And White Minstrels." "Recently the director general himself has been forced to the ultimate degradation." "So next time you watch the David Nixon-Show pity poor Sir Hugh Carlton Green as he crouches on that desk, in a skin, imitating Basil Brush." "Give generously!" "I thank you." "Good night." " Dad?" " Yes, son, come in." "Sit down son." "You and I have always been very close." "Very close." "And for that reason I thought I could talk to you frankly as man to... man." "Yes, dad." "The other night, your mother, you know, your mother..." "Yes, dad." "Your mother and I got to talking and we decided the time had come for us... that is, me... to explain... certain... things." " Things, dad?" " Yes, I mean, where you come from and that." "I mean you weren't just hatched, you know." " I know that, dad." " Although, in a manner of speaking, for want of a better word, you were... hatched." "How old are you then, son?" "31, dad." "Perhaps you are a bit young to hear the facts about..." "No I suppose I'd better get it over with." " Dad?" " Well..." " Dad?" " Well!" "Many years ago, your mother, you know your mother...." " You mentioned her." " Your mother and I... were alone in what might best be described as a... bedroom." "A bedroom containing, for want of a better word," "A bed." "Do you follow me?" " yeah, dad." "Having nothing better to do..." "As it were..." "For want of a better word..." "Your mother took off her eh..." "And got into the eh..." "While I, in a state of nervousness..." "And I..." "I stood at the foot of the eh..." "And I took off my eh... dressing gown... leaving myself absolutely n..." "Leaving myself absolutely n..." "Leaving myself absolutely n..." "Absolutely!" "Absolutely!" "Can I get you anything, dad?" "No, no, I feel allright, I'll be allright in a moment." "Now, where was I then?" " You stood there absolutely n..." " Yes, yes!" "Yes I was, son, I admit it, absolutely n..." "So I pull back the covers from the b..." " Bed, dad." " Don't talk smut!" " Filth and smut!" " Sorry dad." "I pull back the covers on the n..." "what you said... and I climbed into the b..." "with your m..." "And then, son, and then I..." "And then we..." "And then she..." "As a result of which, 9 months later, there you was." "Does that explain everything, son?" "Yes, dad, except what happened between the time you... and mother and I 9 months..." "Oh." "Yes." "Well, yes, son." "We eh..." "Oh God!" "I'll be the first to tell you when you're older son, don't worry." "Well, does that explain everything then?" "If you ever want to have a chat, don't be afraid to come to your dear old dad." "There was something I wanted to tell you." " What?" " I got this girl into trouble, see." " You what?" " Pregnant, dad." " How did it happen then?" " Well, it was like this, dad." "A few months ago, discovering myself with, for want of a better word, girl," "And finding myself without, for want of a better word, my trousers," "And with nothing better to do, I..." " Punched her?" " No, dad, no!" " You played the double bass?" " No, dad, no." "Dad, you and I have always been very close..." "Welcome to the Royal Opera House Covent Garden." "Tonight is an exciting occasion for the opera world:" "The first public performance of a newly discovered libretto by Omi Paloni, for which unfortunately no music was ever written." "Here then the first performance in English of Omi Paloni's words for "El Vardiere"." "The scene is a prison cell in Padua, or Mantua or Venice." "Roberto languages in bondage, Pratilda enters." "Weep not sweet Pratilda, though in prison cell I languish." "Your sweet face through the bars does help relieve my anguish." " Your anguish!" " My anguish." " Does help relieve your anguish." " Through the bars your face..." " It helps... - ...relieve..." " It helps relieve I'm glad." " Your face, tralala." " Trala lala lala." "Your fa-a-ace, your fa-a-ace," " F-a-ace, tralala." " Tralala, tralala." " But one brief moment can I stay lest I be caught." " Your stays are short." "My father, who has here consigned you thus..." "Her stays are short." "...approaches with a retinue of guards." " I come!" " My love, 't is he!" "With retinue of guards!" " 't Is who?" " 't Is I!" " 't Is he!" " 't Is he, 't is him!" " Your stays are short." "My stays are short." "You my daughter with this wretch, the very breath of outrage parenthood within me pants, me pants, me pants." "This ma-a-an shall die-ie-ie." "before tomorrow mo-o-o-o" "orning." "Oh father pardon I beg you to grant him." "As down on my knees now for mercy I beg." " Oh daughter I grant!" " I beg you to mercy." "As down on my pardons for knees now I beg." "As down on my knees, down on my knees..." "Down on my, down on my, down on my down on my down on my knees." "Too late my love too late for tears for I have quaffed the poison wine." "The wine I quafted poison was, and now I die farewell." " You laugh!" " Farewell" " I die!" " Goodbye!" " Au revoir!" " I go!" " Come back!" " Too late!" " Then die." " I do!" " He does." " He dies!" " That's me." " You gone?" " Not yet!" " Then go!" "Right ho!" "Goodbye!" "I die!" "I die!" "Farewell!" "Farewell goodbye goodbye farewell farewell goodbye I die!" "Goodbye I go!" "I go!" "Goodbye, farewell." " Farewell I die I die, I die die die." " Oh drop dead!"