"# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by #" " You're bound to miss her at first" " Miss who?" "Your daughter, the one who just got married" "I was just seeing what she'd left behind, that's all" "Yes, and I was thinking of taking up kickboxing" "(JEAN SCOFFS)" " Well, don't you miss her?" " Well, yes, I suppose I do" " But when all's said and done" " When all's said and done, what?" " Nothing Just when all's said and done" " Oh, can I quote you on that?" " I know what I mean" " Yes, I know what you mean Life goes on" "Well, anyway, about the room Do you think you'll like it in here?" " Are you talking about separate bedrooms?" " No, of course not I mean, when it's your study" " My study?" " Yes" " Why should I want a study?" " A lot of men dream of having a study" "Well, perhaps I've led a secluded existence, but I've never met a man who said to me," ""Do you know, I've always dreamt of having a study"" " Well, a den, then" " Or a den?" "Makes me sound like a wild animal" "Oh, well, suit yourself" "We just don't need a spare room, that's all Oh, I know!" " What, a den for you?" " No, a sitting room for Sandy" " Now, she'd love that She could spread out" " Yes Always assuming she stays" "What do you mean?" "Of course she's staying She's part of the family now Why should she go?" " Well, you never know with women" " Oh, don't you?" "And there's always the outside chance that Harry will whisk her off to Canada" " Oh, no, even I've given up on that one" " Hmm A thought does occur" "Everyone assumes that he's crazy about Sandy, but just can't pluck up the courage to ask her to go to Canada with him" " Now, what if he's not crazy about Sandy?" " Oh, he must be" " There's no must about it" " Wouldn't you be if you were Harry?" "I'm not responding to that" "The last time I answered that question, I was accused of answering too enthusiastically" "Well, I suppose it could be possible" "By the way, have you really given up on your matchmaking?" "Yes" "Almost" " I've made a pot of tea if anyone fancies a cup" " Oh, thanks, Sandy" "(WHISPERING) Is she all right?" "Come on, then" "Oh, look!" "Oh, Judy's left a note for me under her pillow" " She used to do that when she was a little girl" " But now she's not" "No, now she's not" " Would you like a sitting room?" " That's a funny way to start a conversation" "Judy's room It's Jean's idea" "Sandy, how would you like a sitting room?" "(LAUGHING)" " Lionel's just asked me that" " And?" "Well, it's a nice thought It's a very nice thought" " But if I don't stay, then" " What do you mean?" " Of course you're staying Isn't she, Lionel?" " Tea?" " You haven't answered the question" " I rather thought that was up to Sandy" " Sandy?" " Well, I don't know" "It might be the time to move on" " Harry's asked you to go to Canada with him" " No" "The last conversation I had with Harry, Canada was not mentioned" "He just said, "You look lovely," about 20 times, then passed out" " Oh, yes Twenty times?" " I exaggerate" "No, by "move on" I mean Oh, well, I don't know" " Perhaps it's time to" " No, it isn't, is it, Lionel?" " You're doing it again" " Well, this is your home" " You're happy here" " Yes, I am" "And it's up to you to run the agency now that Judy's gone" " Is it?" " Well, yes, of course You're the boss" " So what do you say?" " There'd be a massive pay rise" "SANDY:" "Massive?" "Well, considerable" " And don't say the money is not important" " Oh, I wasn't going to" "Oh, so that's settled, is it?" "Well, it is settled, isn't it?" "Cheers" " See you later!" " Where are you going?" "I do wish you wouldn't jump out on me like that" "I didn't jump out on you I just asked you where you were going" "I'm taking my wedding suit back to the hire people" "You know, you'd have saved quite a bit if you had hired your outfit" " Oh!" "Would I, really?" " Hmm" " Still, being a woman" " Oh, yes, being a woman" "We all know how silly we are about money" "We also offer massive pay rises at the drop of a hat" " I was just trying to tilt the balance" " Well, you tilted it, all right" " Anyway, Sandy's staying and not for the money" " No" " That's a good thing" " I'll be off, then" "You know, it's funny Only seems like yesterday that Sandy was my secretary" "Where does it go?" " Where do what go?" " Time" "Only seems like yesterday that Judy was a little girl" "This can't be the same yesterday when Sandy was your secretary" "No You know what I mean" " You're getting maudlin" " I wonder how Judy is" "I'll definitely be off then" " What was that for?" " Yesterday" "Sorry?" " It's a nice day, isn't it?" " Yeah, right" " Is that you agreeing?" " It's me saying it's a nice day, not" "Yes, I see Are you calling about anything?" "Calling?" "No I don't do calling" "Oh, I just wondered, you being there" "Well, everyone's somewhere, aren't they?" " I'll be off, then" " Whatever" "Yes, of course, it's my civic duty Yes, I see that 12:00?" "Yes, that'll be fine" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Right Goodbye" "LIONEL:" "There was a girl on the step, but she's gone now" "What?" "I said there was a girl on the step but she's gone now" " What girl?" " I don't know Young, rude" " On the streets, from the look of her" " On the streets?" "Not that kind of "on the streets" Roughing it, whatever they call it" " Where are you going?" " Well, I'm just going to have a look" "(DOOR CLOSING)" " There's nobody there" " There wouldn't be I said she was gone" "Oh, yes" " You all right?" " Not really" " I've just had the police on the phone" " Police?" "Yes They want me to be in an identity parade" " What?" " No, no No, no, not in, no To attend one" "Why?" "Well, because they pulled in someone who was acting suspiciously" "A prowler, I suppose And they want me to see if I can identify him" "Because you reported a prowler a few weeks back?" " Yes" " A prowler who was a total work of fiction" "Because all you were really trying to do was get Harry round here" " Yes" " Yes Well, you can't do it" "Well, I have to It's my civic duty" "Your civic duty?" "To attend an identity parade to pick out someone who never existed in the first place?" "Well, just don't go looking for someone you think looks like a prowler and pick him out, that's all" "Lionel, I'm not a complete idiot" "I know you're not But you will get into messes" "(JEAN SIGHING)" " I suppose you want me to come with you?" " Well, yes, please" "I better go and change, hadn't I?" "Why do you have to change to go to an identity parade?" "I can't go looking like this, can I?" " Oh, I didn't think" " No" "Sorry I took my morning suit back now" "Lionel!" " You're absolutely sure?" " For the umpteenth time, yes" "I did not make an official identification" "I just said I thought the one in the middle had shifty eyes" " I hope the police weren't swayed by that" " Well, they said thank you in a neutral sort of way" "Good" " No sign of Harry at the station" " There wouldn't be" " He leaves for Canada tomorrow" " Still" "There's no "still"" "Hello, she's back Ignore her" "You can't just ignore people How would you like to be ignored?" "Quite a lot, sometimes" " Hello" " Hello" " Nice day" " Yeah, I did that with him" " Oh Is that The Times?" " Yes" "I do struggle with my multi-syllabic words, but I do my best" " What's your name?" " Dave" " Look, if you think that's funny" " I don't think it's funny Dave, short for Davina" "And what sort of twisted sense of humour do you have to have to call your child "Davina"?" " Well, I think that's a pretty name" " Well, good" "(JEAN SIGHS)" "Yeah, a vote of thanks to the chef, I think" "Oh, yes, Sandy You're cooking has improved out of all recognition" "Suppose it had to, really" "Are you thinking about Harry?" " You get right to it, don't you?" " Well, sometimes" "All right, I suppose I am" "After tomorrow" " I will miss him" " Oh" "So, tell me about the identity parade" " Did you grass anybody up?" " Well, I shall ignore that question" " Is there anything on the telly?" " Nothing" " Oh, there must be something" " No 8:00, people shouting at each other" "8:30, people ruining other people's houses" "9:00, car crashes 9:30, people falling over" "10:00, more people shouting at each other, getting drunk and falling over" " Those are just the worst bits" " They're the best bits" "I don't know why people bother to go out at all" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "Oh, listen to that" " She's back" " Who?" "Little Miss Sunshine?" "She must be soaked" " She should be under cover" " Yes, she should" " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " I'm afraid I am" "Suddenly watching people shouting at each other and falling over sounds very attractive" "I brought Dave in" " Hi" " Hello" " SANDY:" "Hello" " Look at you" " You need a hot bath and a hot meal" " Aren't there hostels?" " They're full" " Oh" "Well, you must stay here for the night You can't go out in that again" "You have a hot bath and I'll look for something to eat for you" "Now, come on up and take off those wet things" "Oh, yeah?" "There's not an ounce of grace in you, is there?" "JEAN:" "Come on, come on, I'll show you the way, come on" "Look, I'm grateful, all right?" " I don't know" " Don't look at me" "Lol Ferris always did say that Jean was a tender woman" "Well, he's right She took me in as well" "Yes, I know But you weren't sleeping on the step, were you?" "Satisfied?" " Well, there's nothing missing, as far as I can tell" " She's fast asleep" "What do you think she did?" "Get up in the night, took the family silver, put it in her bag" " and stashed it under the bed?" " We haven't any family silver" "No, but you know what I mean Look, she's just a young girl living" " Well, living" " By her wits?" " Yes, if you like" " Which generally equates to thieving" "No, she probably wants a fresh start in life" "Decent place to live and a job" "She tries to hide it, but she's obviously bright" "Oh, I wonder, could the agency?" "Is she still asleep?" "Look, I've just been saying to Lionel, perhaps you could fit her in at the agency?" "What as?" "A bouncer?" "What is the matter with you two?" "Realism, that's all And this decent place to live" " Here?" " Look, I didn't mention here I didn't" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "I'll go" " I didn't" " Why not go the whole hog?" "Why not turn the place into a home for wayward girls and have done with it?" "Look, that's turning exaggeration into an art form" "In case you've forgotten, we've only got one spare room" "Which was Judy's" "Which is what this is all about, isn't it?" "You'd better come There's a surprise" "Ooh" " Oh, Judy!" " Hello, Mum" "# Hey, hey, it's the Deacons #" "Hi, lovely lady Hi, Li-onel" "Hello, Alistair" "Hello, you two I thought you were on honeymoon" "We are We've just spent a few days in the big city, next stop, Barbados" "But we just popped in to say hello Now, look, Alistair, you can put me down now" "Not until we've crossed the threshold" "From now on, I carry you across every threshold we cross" "(JEAN AND LIONEL LAUGHING)" " Oh!" " There" " Hello, Mum" " Hello" "Hey, Sandy, don't you look a million Very nice" " Hi, Alistair Hello, Judy" " Hi, Sandy" "Now, what are we all doing, milling around out here?" "Come on in" " Come on" " Yes, come in" " Everything all right?" " Very all right How's everything here?" " Any news?" " No, no, no, it's all been very quiet" "Come on Alistair's buying us all champagne across the road" " I think I'll miss out on that one" " Oh, don't be such a misery" "In case you've forgotten, Shirley Temple's still asleep up there" "You don't seriously suggest we leave her alone in the house?" "Whatever happened to your faith in human nature?" "I find it diminishes by the week" " What's that?" " There" "I've left her a note in case she wakes up and wonders where we all are" " Have you taken leave of your senses?" " Now what?" ""Help yourself to anything you want"?" "Food Food" "Why not just put all our valuables in a big bag marked "Swag" and leave it on the table?" "Well, let's just see, shall we?" "Now, look Now, look" "Here There's 40 pounds Now" "Where shall we put it?" "Let me think Here, now, look" "There She can't help but see that if she comes down, can she?" "You could make a big arrow pointing to it just to make sure" "I bet you if she does go, she doesn't take it" " You really believe that, don't you?" " Yes, I do" "Lol's right, you really are a tender woman Or a crackpot" "Oh, come on, Jonah" "Hello?" "Hello?" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" " Oh Hello" " Hello" " Is Sandy in?" " Who's asking?" " I'm a friend of hers" " Oh, right" " So is she in?" " No" " Well, is anybody in?" " Yes" " Who?" " Me" " Now, look" " All right, all right" "She's in the pub down the road, they all are" "Thank you" "You didn't say who you were" "Oh, so I didn't" " Thank you" " Don't be a stranger" " Right, here's to Sandy" " Yeah" "Why me?" "Well, because you're the big white chief now You're a woman of power" "Not to say a woman of Well, yeah, power" "To Sandy" " Sandy" " Sandy" "I wonder if the girls will end up calling me Iron Drawers" "(LIONEL CHUCKLING)" "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" " LIONEL:" "Oh, dear me" " Not now Honeymoon" " Ooh, Alistair" " It's the new me" "I've even started calling Li, Lionel" "I call him my little ray of sunshine" "Of course, sometimes it It's Harry" "JEAN:" "Well, don't all stare at him" "Harry!" "Good to see you Come and say hello" " Hello" " Hi, Harry" " Hi, Harry" " Hello, Harry, hello" "Champagne Would you like some champagne, Harry?" "Oh, no thanks I don't do too well on champagne" "(LIONEL CLEARS THROAT)" "(JEAN CLEARS THROAT)" " Wasn't it rainy last night?" " Yes, it was It was very rainy" "ALISTAIR:" "Really heavy rain LIONEL:" "Yes" "JUDITH:" "Didn't think it was ever gonna stop JEAN:" "No, but it did" "So when are you off to the land of the moose and the maple leaf, Harry?" "This afternoon I just came to say goodbye, really" "LIONEL:" "Ah JUDITH:" "Right" " No, I didn't" " Oh, Harry" "Well, well, well" "Woof, woof, woof" "Old Harry, eh?" "I wonder what got into the guy" " A bit of backbone, I hope" " Well, not before time" "Do you suppose?" "No, perhaps we ought to leave them alone" "Well, let's just talk about something else" "Will you stop frogmarching me about?" "Oh" "Sandy, I love you" "And I want you to marry me and come to Canada with me" "Oh" "I don't say enough, you see I mean to, but I don't, because when I do, it generally comes out all wrong, anyway" "When I found out about the attachment to Canada, you were the first person I told And do you know what I wanted?" "I wanted you to say something I mean, how pathetic is that?" "Sandy, I'm just a copper" "It's not enough to offer someone like you, but I've finally realised that's all I can offer" "The thought of being that far away without you, the thought of you not being in my life at all, it's not on" "It's not on" "Sandy, you've got to marry me and you've got to come to Canada with me, and" "Well, that's it, really" "For somebody who doesn't say enough, you did rather well" " So" " Harry, we can't get married" " What?" " Here, I mean" "If we're going to Canada this afternoon, then we don't have time, do we?" "Oh" "That is a yes, by the way" " We'll get married in Calgary" " Oh, I've always wanted to get married in Calgary" " I think I need a sit-down - (SIGHING) Yes, so do I" "So, what time do we have to be at Heathrow?" " 4:00 - 4:00?" " Oh!" " What are you doing?" "I'm phoning the pub for reinforcements" "Right" "SANDY:" "It's not there!" "It's not in the wardrobe" "JEAN:" "Oh, it must be Let me have a look" "(FOOTSTEPS POUNDING)" "JEAN:" "Did you say green or cream?" " Green" " I remember, it's in the wash" "In the wash?" "No, not in the wash It's been washed It just needs a run-over with an iron" "Judy, get out the ironing board" "JUDITH:" "There's no green folder in the drawer" "SANDY:" "It must be upstairs!" "JEAN:" "No, Judy, don't you come Get out the ironing board" "JUDITH:" "Oh, right" "I thought I'd get out of the way before I got trampled to death" ""That's a yes," she said" "In her voice" ""That's a yes," she said" "Did she, Harry?" " Now, what is it that you want ironed?" " Nothing" "No, not you" "Sandy, what is it that you want ironed?" " The blue top" " Oh, right" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "ALISTAIR:" "Hey, hey JUDITH:" "No, no, not now, Alistair" "(ALISTAIR GROANS)" " Aren't women awesome?" " Not the word I'd have used" "Always a joker, eh, Li?" "So, who's that, happy as Larry-Harry, then?" "It's the way that she said it" ""That's a yes," she said" "It's all right He's in shock" "(FOOTSTEPS POUNDING)" "Oh, God, they're on the move again" " Awesome" " Have you seen a green folder?" "I suppose I must have at some time in my life" "Oh, that's no help to me at all" " Right, look, is this the one?" " Yes" "JUDITH:" "Right" "Ah, got it Yes" "One passport" "You're all set A couple more things and you're all set" "Right, now, this won't take a minute" " Harry" " I hadn't thought I've only got one ticket" " Harry!" " Lionel, what do we do?" "Well, there's always standby, I suppose" " Perhaps" " Hello" " Gary Pearson, please" " MAN:" "I'm afraid he's busy..." "Well, yes, I'm sure he is Just say the word "Xanadu" to him" "Gary, hi Alistair Deacon here" "Yeah, look I'm in warp drive" " Your 6:00 flight to Calgary, fully booked?" " GARY:" "Sorry..." "Hmm Do I have to say the word Xanadu again?" " Yeah, two, first class, of course" " First class?" "Yeah, well, one's an upgrade and the other, well" "She's always been first class" " So you want two first class..." " Great You're a mate" " They'll be at the desk." " At the desk" "Okay, so long, cowboy" "No probs" "No, no, no, no, really, no probs" "Alistair, I never thought I'd say this, but you're a mate" "That means one thing to me, Harry It's hug time" " Have a great time" " Bye" " We will We will" " Bye, Judy" " Bye" " Write to me" " LIONEL:" "All the best Well done at last" " Yes" " Goodbye, Harry" " Bye-bye See you soon" "No, call me Jean" " Bye-bye!" " Have a wonderful" " Bye-bye!" " Don't forget to let us know Bye" "They've all gone" "Just as well we didn't say goodbye to them at the airport, they'd never have got on their planes" "And all of a sudden, it's just us" "No!" "Dave!" " I wonder if she's still asleep" " Nobody could've slept through that lot" "Well, she was very tired, you never know" "(GRUNTS CYNICALLY)" "Lionel!" " She's gone" " Moved on, I suppose" "She didn't even say goodbye" "Probably left when we were all in the pub" " She leave a note?" " No, no note" "Lionel, she didn't take the money" "Good Lord, didn't she?" "You were so sure she was going to, weren't you?" "Well, we all get it wrong sometimes" "Lionel, there's 40 pounds here" "What's going on?" "I've got it, I know what's going on" " Do you?" " Yes, it's Dave" "Not only did she not take the 40 pounds we left her, but she's left 40 pounds of her own as a thank you" "Yes" " Isn't it quiet?" " Yes, isn't it?" "Perhaps we should move" "What, because it's too quiet?" "No, but now that Judy and Sandy have gone it's just us rattling round" " I can't hear any rattling" " You know what I mean" "When the girls were here there was someone in every room" "You're missing the girls, of course you are, but it's hardly a reason to move house, is it?" " Well, we've got to do something" " What about going to sleep?" "What, just lie here and wither away?" "I don't think it happens overnight" "Madge and Rocky went trekking in the Andes for a year" "Well, they would They're both crackers" " I've never seen the Andes" " Funnily enough, neither have I" "So, it's just the two of us" "You make that sound like some kind of curse" "I think "just the two of us" has a very nice ring to it" "Just the two of us" "Loving each other, having a nice time together What's wrong with that?" " Well, put like that, nothing at all" " Well, there you are then I'm going to sleep" "And there'll be grandchildren I hope there's lots of grandchildren" "They won't all be coming to live here, will they?" " Well, only in the holidays" " Oh, God" "Well, some of the holidays" "Well, in the meantime," "I'm going to enjoy some of this peace and quiet Good night" "Good night I think I'll read for a little" "Oh, and if I start to wither away during the night, give me a shake" "(CHUCKLING)" " What?" " Nothing" "Just thinking about the two of us blundering about in the Andes The Andes!" "Yes Silly" "# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by" "#And when two lovers woo" "# They still say, "I love you"" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "#As time goes by #"