" [sniffs] [indistinct chatter]" "♪ All by myself ♪" "♪ I'm all by myself ♪" "♪ And there's no one here ♪" "♪ At all ♪" "♪ I'm all by myself ♪" "♪ I'm all by myself ♪" "♪ Nobody's here at all ♪" "♪ I'm all by myself ♪" "All right, let's get the show started." "[JacuzziBoys'"Vizcaya" playing]" "♪♪" "♪ Gonnahaveasmoke♪" "♪' Causethetrain's gonnabeaslowoh♪" "♪HereIgo♪" "♪Livin'so faraway♪" "♪Viva,Vizcayatoday♪" "♪Ay♪" "♪Ayay ♪" " Give it up for your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" " Wow!" " Oh, wow." " Wow." "both:" "Wow." "[cheers and applause]" "Wow." " Wow." " I feel like it's-- every time we come out, our vibe is that we had a surprise party, and we're shocked, "Oh, my God!"" " Yeah, "You showed up." "I have friends."" " It's--it is weird." "Our jobs are so that we get, like, feedback right away." "It's like, Yelp in real time." " Yeah." " And so you laugh or you don't laugh, that's feedback, but then yelling is feed-- but worse is when they come and say stuff to you after the show." " I'd rather not look anyone in the eye after a show." "I usually" " Even if it's a good show?" " Especially if it's a good show." "Even if it's a good set, I'm afraid someone's gonna say something, like, accidentally bad." " Well, it--that's the thing." "It's, like, it's always passive-aggressive." "It's never like, "That wasn't funny."" "It's like, "Hey, you seem like you had fun up there."" " Yeah." "[laughter]" "One time a guy came up to me, he says, uh, uh--I was younger." "I was doing a bunch of material about how I-I couldn't get, uh, uh, a girlfriend, and the guy came up to me, he's like, "Dude, I get it." "It's hard to look like Shrek." "You and me, we look like Shrek."" "[laughter]" " Isn't there another green room?" " There is, yeah." " Did you hear what Todd Barry just said?" " What did Todd say?" " Oh, wait, that sounded terrible." "Is there a better green room?" " He said, "Is there another green room?"" " Actually, there is." " Like, in a kind of lilting, like...[laughs]" " I was just more of confusing." "Kind of more of a confused type thing as opposed..." " As--like, "Is this-- could this be the only one?"" " Is this, like--was there, like, a first-class green room?" " Do you, uh--have-- have you guys heard weird stuff at your work?" "Yes." "Hi, what's your name?" " Taron." " Taron." " Uh, I was working as a mascot, uh, inside a giant suit, and, uh, people always ask if it's a girl or a boy inside, and I think that's weird." " Were these all weird, creepy men asking that question?" ""So, is it a boy or a girl in there?"" "[laughter]" " What were you?" " Um, it's branded, so I probably" " Brandon?" " It's branded." "It's, like, a" " It's branded." " Oh, you could say it and we'll bleep it 'cause we can't use it anyway." " It's the [bleep]." " You're the Snapchat ghost?" "[laughter]" " Ah, man!" " Wow!" " Ever sin--ever since I was a little kid, I was a huge fan of yours!" " Oh, my God!" " I've seen all your cartoons!" "Dreams do come true..." " Yeah." " And it is a girl." " Yeah." "[laughter]" " First step to being selfless, figuring out what "self" is." " Oh." " And you can't be selfish, and you can't eat shellfish." " Ah, 'cause of the kosher thing?" " Hmm?" "Oh, just trying to rhyme." " More of a cultural joke." " [laughs]" " So I actually--I'm good." " Do you keep kosher?" " No." " Oh." "[laughs]" " I do know people" " Yes?" " Uh, I'm a Lyft driver..." " Well, when you think of something, let us know." "[laughter]" " That's basically what we're doing to you right now." " Yeah, oh" " Are you making fun of us?" "[laughter]" " Yeah, nervous energy will make people ask a lot of inane shit." "So... what's the craziest thing that ever happened?" "[laughter] both:" "You got a massage from a drunk passenger?" " Yeah." " Was it a boy or a girl?" "[laughter]" " Yeah, yeah." " "What's in there?"" " She was zoning out on the plaid?" " Geez." " That sounds scary." " Yeah." " That's not fun." " What did you say?" " Yeah, yeah." " And she was like" " And then she said, "Shut up, cuck."" "[laughter]" " She said, "Back off."" "[laughter]" " You hearing that a lot on the Internet these days, Jonah?" " Oopsie." " Oh." " Nah, I'm gonna go out." " Your physical comedy's on point." " Yeah." " See ya later." "[playfulmusic] [springsboinging]" " [laughs]" " [laughs]" "♪♪" " Uh, can I get the words "just in general"?" " Just in gen-- just general." "Look at this guy dropping water bottles." " Watch out." " Whoa." " Is the sound weird again?" " Yeah." " How did it-- the sound get weird again?" "Emily, can we fix the sound?" " Is it weird?" " Yeah, it sounds weird." "Jonah's talking and they're not laughing." "[laughter and applause]" "I think my microphone is working, but Jonah's isn't attached to the laughs." " I was" " Well, how do we fix it?" "Uh, sound, can we..." " It's okay." "[both laugh]" "This is my show too." "[laughter]" " Sure it is, buddy." "[laughter] [percussivemusic]" " Okay, everybody, please welcome Baron Vaughn." "[cheers and applause]" " Why, thank you." "Why, thank you." "Oh, so happy to be here." "I feel great." "I just went to a big music festival and found out I am officially too old for that." "So I feel great about it." "[laughter]" "So I'm actually gonna try to dress differently, you know, because--no, don't get me wrong." "Like, looking like the principal of Break-dance High School has done well for me, but... [laughter]" "The other day, I said out loud to myself," ""♪ Daddy needs a new suit!" "♪"" "And regretted it immediately, uh, because no one was there to share." "And by "Daddy" I mean me, not my father." "My father, he can actually afford a suit because he abandoned his family and the savings alone." "[laughter] Um... you don't raise your son, you pocket some sweet, sweet cash, and, uh..." "[chuckles]" "I'm actually making a documentary this year in which I'm gonna meet my father for the first time." "I'm gonna track this man down." "I'm gonna meet my biological father for the first time, and I was actually asked to come up with ten different questions" "I wanna ask this man, and so far" "I really only have one question that is burning on my heart and my mind, and, uh, it--I would like to share that with you today." "[exhales sharply]" "One train is headed east to west at 100 miles per hour... [laughter]" "While a bus is headed west to east at 60 miles per hour." "Which of these got you away from us the fastest?" "That's really the only question I have so far." "[laughter and applause]" "I have a lot of weird allergies." "I'm allergic to weird things." "I'm allergic to dairy." "And I mean I'm allergic to it." "I'm not lactose intolerant." "That's a totally different experience." "Lactose intolerance is like, "Oh, no, I had pizza." "Now I'm gonna fart." I mean... [laughter]" "I accidentally had butter on a sandwich months ago and my throat swole up to the point" "I could no longer breath." "They call it anaphylactic shock, and by "they,"" "I mean the doctor in the emergency room, and she prescribed me an EpiPen, which I keep on me at all times because nobody knows what dairy is, by the way." "That's my PSA to you." "No server, no chef, no owner of restaurant know what dairy is." "That's how much dairy we eat as a society." "We have forgotten it." "I keep having the same conversation at restaurants." ""Can't have dairy." "Not 'cause I'm cute, but because it might kill me." "Ooh, what about eggs?"" ""Eggs are not dairy." "But it's from a farm."" ""Dairy is from a damn cow."" ""Ooh, what about asparagus?" "That's a vegetable."" ""Ooh, what about arsenic?" "That's literally a poison."" ""Ooh, what about 'Arsenic and Old Lace'?"" ""That's an old play."" ""Ooh, what about 'The Crucible'?"" ""Different old play." "Ooh, what about Man Ray?"" ""That's a visual artist." "Ooh, what about Ray Manzarek?"" ""He's from The Doors."" "Like, nobody knows what dairy is." "[laughter and applause] Nobody knows." " You should keep this energy." "Keep this energy on stage." "I wanna see what you're gonna do, man." " I'm doing a, uh, like, six minute joke about Shaquille O'Neal." " Oh." " Oh, so sorry." " Eating and breathing have become unexpectedly dangerous in my life." "I'm actually gonna stop calling my allergies that." "That's a wimpy name for something that might kill you out of nowhere." "So I'm not gonna call my allergies my... police." "Exactly." "Because they might erase my existence, and people will react the same way." ""Why'd you go outside that day?"" "You guys know what I mean?" "Exact same disregard for human life." "Okay, some of you with me." "Some of you feel weird about race, and that's fine 'cause that's how I woke up... this morning and every single morning I've woken up." "Just, "What, black again?" "Hope I make it."" "The police are out and it's already skin-thirty." "[laughter]" "I'm a contest on "Will This Get Me Killed?"" "Anyway, guys, um... [cheers and applause]" "Come with me or not." " Hi, do you guys know each other?" " Yes, we did." " We just--we met backstage." "I mean we met in the other green room." " It did not go well." " It didn't go well?" " Wanna take it again?" " It was--it was very upsetting." " Was he aggressive?" " He was really aggressive." " She was aggressive." " Oh, yeah, mm-hmm." " I get it." " Yeah, we were both" "I think we were happy to meet each other." " I need to assert my dominance over people." "That's what comedy's for." " I get it, yeah." " I'm doing all the stuff they told black people in middle school I could not do." "I'm going to therapy." "It's great." "Eating blueberries." "They're delicious." "Haven't been skiing." "Still think it's dangerous." "And, um... [laughter]" "No, I do like it." "I like knowing what I'm about." "You know, I'm trying to figure out who I am, and I wanna try to figure that out before I am inevitably shot because if the police don't get me, the mass shootings will, and you don't wanna be" "bleeding in the street going, "I never figured out intimacy."" "You guys know what I'm talking about?" "Live in the moment before the moment's taken away from you." "And, um... that's two shooting jokes." "Two shooting jokes." "And I did 'em both." "I don't know if you guys know this, there's this unwritten rule in comedy where you can't hit the same subject more than once." "So I actually can't do as many shooting jokes as there are shootings." "Isn't that weird?" "Imagine if I got up here and tried to do hundreds and hundreds of shooting jokes." "Wouldn't you try to stop it?" "[laughter] [cheers and applause]" "Wouldn't you go, "Shooting joke after shooting joke." ""When is this gonna end?" ""I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"" "[cheers and applause]" "Anyway, that's what we call "a black fact."" "Um..." "[laughter]" "Lot of comedians like to end on, this is a technical term, uh, they like to end on something called "laughter,"" "and, uh..." "[laughter]" "I don't mean to bore you with jargon, but I like to end on something called "confused anticipation,"" "and I feel like we're right there." "[laughter] So thank you very much." "Good night, everybody." "[cheers and applause]" " Not very often." " Um, I'm gonna go listen to the show." " Suit yourself." "I heard it's a piece of shit." "We'll be right back." " [laughs] [playfulelectronicmusic]" " Please welcome to the stage" "Ian Karmel!" " Kill it, Ian." " Yes!" " Get out there." " Ow!" " [grunts]" " Ian, I mean you gotta go now." " Hey, I gotta go." "We're going." " Go, Ian, go!" "You're missin-- you're missing Lance." "Go." "Get out there." "You get 'em, brah." "[applause]" " Yeah!" "[inhales] Ah!" "[inhales deeply] Ah!" "Help!" "[sighs] [scattered laughter]" "Ah." "How's everybody doing?" "You guys good?" "[cheers and applause] [softly] We good?" " ♪ Backstage hangers ♪" "♪ Hang in back of the stage ♪" "♪ Backstage hangers ♪" "♪ Hangin' out is all the rage ♪" "♪ Well, if you don't wanna be on stage ♪" " [chuckles] - ♪ But you'd like to hang out ♪" "♪ Come hang out with the backstage hangers ♪" "♪ And see what it's all about ♪" " That was good." " I love basketball." "I love it, but I know I'm not the person who's the happiest that basketball exists." "I think the person who's the happiest that basketball exists is Shaquille O'Neal." "[laughter]" "It's gotta be Shaq, right?" "Because without basketball" "Shaq is just a man who's too big for this world." "[laughter]" "He's, like, 7'3" and 400 pounds, right?" "Like, without basketball, he would have just been, like, breaking tea cups in his hands, and having his feet hang over his comically tiny bed." "You know?" "They would have made him go live in the hills, like, at the age of 14." "They would have." "They'd have been like," ""Get out of here, Shaq." "You're a danger to everyone."" "Right?" "The only--old men would believe in him." "They'd be like, "He's real." [laughter]" ""He was 80 feet tall and a talented break-dancer."" "[laughter]" "No one would believe in him except for one young girl, right?" "One of those new Disney-Princess type young girls, you know?" "What--she's, like, good at all the boy stuff too." "Like, she's beaten people in foot races while she's wearing a dress and it's no big deal." "Like, one of those girls, you know?" "And she's like, "I'm going 'cause I'm not 'fraid of nothin."" "Right?" "She'd go up into the hills to find Shaq and, you know, for the longest time, she wouldn't find him, but then, eventually... [laughter]" "He's up there." "She happens upon Shaq, you know?" "He's sitting on a log just chilling." "Doing his own thing, right?" "She steps on a--on a twig and it snaps, and Shaq is alerted." "[laughter]" "And Shaq is afraid 'cause here's somebody who represents the civilization that cast him out, right?" "So it's tense." "It's tense." "But then, Shaq-- ooh, he flashes that trademark Shaquille O'Neal smile." "You know the one." "The one that sold us all that Pepsi back in the '90s?" "[laughter]" "And then it's on." "They're buddies, right?" "They're hanging out." "Shaq is showing her all the popping hill spots, you know?" " Should I not have had tacos before this?" " I mean, how do you feel?" " I feel like I-- I had tacos before this." " Do you need to handle it?" " I just feel it going through my large intestine right now." "I can't tell if it's a fart or if it's a poo." " Let's find out." " Leslie's dad, he's furious." "He's like," ""You get away from her, you monster,"" "and Shaq is just like, "I'm just tall." "I don't understand what the big deal is."" "[laughter]" "But Leslie's dad, he's stuck in his ways." "He's not hearing any of it." "He's like," ""You have to the count of three to get away from my daughter." "One, two, three..."" "and he fires." "He fires at Shaq, but Leslie..." "Leslie jumps in front of the bullet." "all:" "Oh!" "[scattered laughter]" "She does." "She takes it, it hits her, she falls to the ground." "Shaq is shocked." "Leslie's dad is shocked." "Everyone's shocked." "It's a big event, you know?" "It affected the town." "They cancelled the summer festival that Leslie loved." "Eventually, it turned into a ghost town." "The population dwindled." "It was never the same there." "So next time you tell me sports don't matter." "[laughter] [funkymusic]" " Very excited to bring up our next comedian." "Please welcome to the stage Rachel Bloom." "[cheers and applause]" " Yeah." "Hello." "[cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "I had--okay, I just wanna-- full disclosure." "I had tacos, like, now, and I'm wearing this-- this pantsuit, and I am not wearing underwear..." " Whoo!" " So there is-- it's not to be sexy." "It's just 'cause, you know, it-- it prevents yeast infections." "Um, but, so there's, like, a-- there's a 5% chance, that, like, a nice, clean log of shit might roll out." " Here he is..." " Can I get you to film me mixing this up, and then you can play it in reverse and it'll look like I'm solving it really fast without looking at it?" " Oh, yeah!" " Yeah, do it." " Looking." " I know, she's not even looking at it." "Perfect." "Like, yes." "[laughter and applause]" " We got it." " We got it, right?" " Let me get honest with you guys." "Um, when I was 12, I--this is true." "I developed obsessive-compulsive disorder." "Um, and if anyone in this room has ever had that or anxiety disorder, it's horrible." "Like, especially when you don't know what's happening to you, um, and it was probably, like, the worst part of my life, um, but I think about this time when I would have kind of, like, these floods of these," "like, anxiety/OCD attacks, and I actually had this really calming mantra" "I'd say to myself, um, and it was-- oh, right, it was, uh, "Stop it." "You're being weird." "Stop it." "You're being weird." "Stop it." "You're being weird."" "And it really helped." "[laughter]" "It really helped me cope, and I look back on when my OCD was, like, at it's peak, really, really bad, and I-I am regretful because in retrospect, it would have made me" "a really fantastic late-'90s DJ." "[laughter]" "This is called "The OC-Dance."" "Hit it, Mark." "[funky '90s electronic music playing]" "Okay, now step." "♪ And slide ♪" "♪ And touch the wall ♪" "♪ Touch the wall ♪" "♪ Touch it again ♪" "♪ Touch it again ♪" "♪ Touch it one more time ♪" "♪ Touch it one more time ♪" "♪ Touch it again ♪" "♪ Otherwise bad things will happen ♪ [laughter]" "♪ ♪" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16..." "[inhales deeply]" "Whoo!" "♪ I'm fine ♪" "♪ Now slide to the right ♪" "♪ Slide to the right ♪" "♪ Slide to the right, never to the left ♪" "♪ Slide to the right, never to the left ♪" "♪ Turn around, is there a rapist behind you?" "♪" "♪ Turn around, are you sure there's not a rapist?" "♪" "♪ What's today's date?" "It's the 21st ♪" "♪ Is that divisible by seven?" "Yes, it is ♪" "♪ Gotta buy a bag of Twinkies so your dog won't die ♪" "♪ Your thoughts and actions have the power ♪" "♪ To alter the course of human existence ♪" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16." "♪ Now wash your hands or your dad'll get AIDS ♪" "♪ Wash your hands, what if he already has AIDS?" "♪" "♪ Wash your hands, what if he gave you AIDS?" "♪" "♪ Wash the AIDS off your hands ♪" "♪ Wash the AIDS off your dad ♪" "♪ And stop ♪ Did you leave the stove on?" "[laughter]" "♪ Time to retrace your steps ♪" "Okay, so we washed the AIDS off our hands, we slid to the right, slid to the right, we checked for rapists, we checked for rapists again." "We counted to 16, then we clapped our hands some more." "We touched the wall, we touched the wall, touch the wall, touch the wall, touch the wall, touch the wall." "We walked on stage, then we were back home where we were finally safe." "Thanks, guys." "I've been Rachel Bloom." "Have a great night." "[cheers and applause]" " Rachel Bloom, everybody." "Holy cow." "[cheers and applause]" "Come on." "We treat you good." " Thanks so much for coming." " Thank you." " Thank you guys so much." " Get home safe." " We really appreciate it." "Thank you, Kumail." " Thank you, Jonah." " Thank you." " You're my friend." " What?" " Yeah." " You see that?" "Did we get that on tape?" " No, don't tape that." "Don't put that in the show." " We're friends!" " Don't put that in the show." "Emily..." " It's in the show." "It's in the show." "Goodnight,Darcy."