""Professor Chaos"" " Okay, here he comes." " Who wants to tell him?" "I'll do it." "Hey, fellas!" "I'm glad you called me!" "There's a pie eating contest down at the firehouse, and I thought we should all go!" "Butters, could you take a seat, please?" "Well, sure." "Butters, we have to have a very difficult conversation." "What is it?" "Well, in the months since our friend Kenny died, you've really stepped up as a friend and "filled the gap", so to speak." "Oh, it's my pleasure!" "I love being you guys' new friend." "Yes, well, Butters, it's just not working out." "Not working out?" "I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go-- as our friend." "You're just too..." " Lame." " Lame, yes." "But I can get better." "Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here." "We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere." "But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work and attempts at being our friend." "Lame as they were." "But I thought we were really getting along great." "I thought we were really having fun together." "Yes, well, we weren't." "Please, fellas, don't fire me." "We're sorry, Butters, our mind is made up." "But we certainly want to thank you for coming by." "You know your way out, right?" " Phew!" " Whew!" "He took that pretty well I think." "Who cares?" "So let's get started on who's gonna be the new person to take Kenny's place." "The world isn't fair." "I do everything people ask me to." "I stand in the lunch lines for them..." "I buy tampons at the store for them..." "I go on Maury Povich with balls on my chin for them." "And yet, nobody accepts me." "I am an outcast" "A shadow of a man who can find no companionship, no love from others." "Fine!" "If I'm to be an outcast, so be it." "I'm through doing what others tell me to do, and I am sick of this world and the stinky people in it." "From now on, I will dedicate my life to bringing chaos to the world that has dejected me!" "I will become the greatest super-villain the world has ever seen!" "Where I go, destruction will follow!" "Prepare, oh little town." "Prepare for the greatest super-villain you have ever seen..." "Professor Chaos!" " Butters, time for bed." " Okay, Mom." "Yes, sleep for now." "Tomorrow, the chaos begins." "Ha ha..." "Ha ha ha..." "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ah ha ha ha!" "Alright, we want to thank everybody for coming, this is a great turnout." "Uh, as you know, our friend Kenny died a few months ago and we are looking to fill the void with a new friend." "You've all been selected as possible candidates, but unfortunately there is only room for one of you." "And so, Stan and Kyle and I will be spending the next few days going out with each one of you, and narrowing our choices down, until we think we've found the perfect friend." "Are there any questions?" "What if we don't want to be your friend?" "Clyde... okay?" "Now, the first thing we have to do is cut the list down from 20 choices to 10." "And so today we will all be going to the amusement park together to see who we want to cut." "Please keep in mind this will all be videotaped, so put on your best friend faces and may the best friend win!" "Oh, and we will be needing a $10 per person entrance fee." "Order 23 is up, and order 24 is up." "Uh, waitress, I actually ordered the chicken soup." "This is minestrone." "Yeah, I had the minestrone over here." "Ah ha ha!" "Ha ha ha haaa!" "Ha ha ha ha haaa!" "I am Professor Chaos!" "And now this puny world will bow down to me!" "Ha ha ha haaa!" "So today, we went to the amusement park with all our possible friends." "It was a really fun time, we rode all the rides, and everyone got along great." "I think the person that stood out most at the amusement park was Jimmy." "Well, the reason I think I would make the perfect fourth friend is that I love telling jokes." "You know, who doesn't like to laugh?" "Tweek" " Now there's an interesting choice." "Tweek has a lot of qualities that I look for in a friend." "What if they don't pick me?" "What if they get us all, man?" "I mean, Christ, if they can get to the Pentagon they can get to us all, man!" "Aaagh!" "I think I deserve to take Kenny's place the most, because I've been hanging around these guys for like, five years and I never get to say or do anything." "Yeah, I've always seen that kid in class, but he never does anything, he's more like a prop." "Towelie is a tough choice, because even though I can see how always having a towel around could come in handy, he's just always so high." "Yeah, I really hope I win because" "Wait, what is this again?" "I have no idea what's going on." "We decided to get some one-on-one time with Jimmy and ride the log ride." "And the great thing was that because Jimmy's crippled we got to go to the front of the line." "That was definitely big points for Jimmy, y'know." "But then, we get to the ride itself and..." "Hey, I'm gonna need some help getting in the log, fellas." "Oh, shut her down, someone needs assistance." "Oh, really?" "That's gonna cost some points." "But right now I'd say if we're gonna have a retard for a friend" "I'd have to pick Timmy, because Timmy doesn't tell lame jokes." "Boy, isn't this great, fellas?" "Are we great pals or what?" "One thing's for sure, picking our new friend isn't gonna be easy." "Kneel!" "Kneel before Professor Chaos!" "Ha ha, ha ha ha!" "Ahh ha ha haa!" "Ha ha haaa!" "Hee ha ha ha haa!" "Oh, the look on their faces when they got the wrong soup!" "I love bringing chaos!" "Ha!" "Ha ha haa!" "And that is only the beginning." "Ha ha ha, ha ha ha haa!" "Alright, everyone, it was a tough decision but based on our time with you all at the amusement park, we have whittled our choices down to 10." "If you receive a rose, please stay." "If you don't, please get the fudge out." "Kyle, will you announce the people we want to stay?" "Token..." "Clyde..." "Craig..." "Timmy..." "Timmy!" "Oh, man, this is too much pressure!" "Pip..." "Jimmy..." "Jason..." "Towelie..." "Louigi." "Just one rose left, Kyle, who does it go to?" "Tweek." "Aah!" "Alright, the rest of you, thanks for coming, get the fudge out." "I didn't make the cut?" "Oh God, I didn't make the cut?" "I didn't even get a chance to have them get to know me." "Alright, congratulations to those of you selected to stay." "In the end, one of you will be the new Kenny." "Good luck." " Good morning, Butters." " It certainly is, Mother!" "Did you hear about what's been going on?" "Some horrible new super-villain made somebody get the wrong soup order at Bennigan's." "No, I didn't hear about that." "You, you didn't?" "Dad, could I see the newspaper real quick?" "Well, sure, Butters, I was just about to get some breakfast." "Nothing..." "Nothing!" "It's the liberal media, they're keeping the stories of my deeds covered up so as not to cause a panic." "Well then, I guess it's time to step it up a notch!" "Okay, next." " This looks pretty good." " Yeah, it's not bad." "Next." " Timmy!" " Next." "Okay, so now we're gonna see how you all work as a friend during class time." "Your performances will be judged primarily on how you help us cheat and give us answers." "So good luck, everybody!" " Sit down, boys." " Alrighty, then." "Alright, children, before we get started, has anybody seen the eraser for the chalkboard?" "Heh heh heh, hee!" "It probably got knocked on the floor somewhere." "Can you all please just look around your desks for it?" "Yes..." "look around for your precious eraser." "You won't find it." "That eraser is in my backyard, buried three feet below the surface of the earth." "And do you even suspect me?" "No." "Now we shall see how you all like your dear chalkboard without an eraser!" "Information that just keeps piling up and piling up, until your minuscule brains can take it no longer!" "No?" "Oh well, never mind, I've got a backup one in the desk." "Okay, today, children, we're gonna learn about multiplying times five." "So!" "You all think that you can outsmart Professor Chaos, do you?" "Now, whenever we multiply a number times five the result is going to end in a zero or five." " Ms. Choksondik?" " What is it, Butters?" "Uh, I need to go to the bathroom, really bad." "Alright, Butters, take the bathroom pass and go." "Okay, so for instance, children" "Alright I'm going to the bathroom now." "If anybody needs me, that's where I'll be." "Just go, Butters." "Okay, so for instance, five times one is... what, Eric?" "Uh, what's the question again?" " Five times one." " Five times one is of course..." "Five." "Five!" "Ha ha ha haaa!" "The time for fun and games is over, feeble-minded fools!" " Who are you?" " I am Professor Chaos!" "Bringer of destruction and maker of doom!" "Those who do not know me yet shall know me very soon, for the hour of chaos is at hand!" "Ha ha ha haaa!" "Hey, that kid took my last eraser!" "Come back here, kid!" "Oh, I'm back from the bathroom." "I really let one go in there." "Butters, did you see another little kid run out of here?" "Why yes, I did!" "But he pushed me down and I scraped my elbow." "Go on, look at it." "It's scraped, look!" "Yes, go on and see the red mark on my elbow, the red mark I made myself to throw you off Professor Chaos' trail!" "It looks fine, Butters." "Okay, hold on and stay here, children." "You're such a fatass, Cartman!" "Oh yeah?" "Well, you're a stupid Jew!" "Shut up, fatass!" "Oh, uh..." "You guys are dumb." "Okay, Craig, interesting choice." "Powerful stuff there, Craig, thank you very much." "It is almost complete" "The creation of my minions who will assist me in bringing terror to the world." "There we go." "Yes, my minions of chaos." "Shh." "Not now, my lovelies, your time to bring destruction will come very soon." "Aah!" "Butters, a note for you was left on the front door." " A note?" " Here you go." "And wash your hands after you touch those hamsters," " you'll get AIDS." " Okay, Mom." "So, someone has discovered my horrible secret." "This could be a trap set by the FBI." "Oh, I'll be at the docks, precious FBI, but it is I who will have the trap set for you!" "Come, my minions, we haven't much time." "Alright everyone, the time has come for us to narrow the list down from 10 to six." "But first, let us just say that the people who we didn't pick were only not picked because they totally suck balls" " Kyle?" "They're not going to pick me." "I just know they're not." "Oh Jesus!" "I can't take it!" " Token." " Alright!" " Timmy." " Timmy!" "Tweek..." "Pip." "Really?" "I don't believe it!" "Towelie." "What?" "Just one more rose, Kyle." "Jimmy." "Oh boy!" "Oh thank God!" "Alright, those with roses will move on to the swimsuit and talent competition." "The rest of you-- Get the fudge out!" "This whole thing is stupid!" "You don't pick people you wanna be with by making it into a game!" "Eww, somebody's a sore loser!" "Clyde, I believe I said get the fudge out, which means kiss my fudgen' ass, go fudge yourself, would ya get the fudge out, Clyde?" "Hey, Butters." "Oh, hey, Dougie-- I mean" "My name is Professor Chaos!" "I saw you change in the school bathroom." "You stole that eraser in your class." "Very well!" "You called out Professor Chaos, and you also called out your own demise!" "Go now, my minions!" "Go and take this foolish mortal down!" "Aw, minions, not that way." "Come back, minions." "I'm not trying to call you out, Professor Chaos." "I want to join you." "Join me?" "Yeah, I want to join you in your conquest of destruction." " But why?" " I'm an outcast too" "A frail child cast aside by society." "I want to follow you and-- whatever you're doing." "Very well, you shall be my accomplice in evil." "Together, we shall bring the world to its knees and make all those who banished us from society run wrecked." "Do I get a neat-o costume made out of aluminum foil too?" "Well, sure you do." "I am professor and you shall be my general." "From now on you are General..." "Disarray." "General Disarray." "Now let us go look for my minions!" "Because they ran away..." "The swimsuit competition really gave us a fresh look at some of the candidates." "Well, I don't think I did too well in the bathing suit competition." "But I can't wait for the talent show competition." "That'll really be my chance to... shine." "Wow, what a terrific audience." "So anyway, a guy walks into a b..." "A guy walks into a b..." "A guy walks, a guys walk into a b-b..." "Okay, wait." "No, no, wait." "Next, please." "What am I supposed to do?" "Anything that'll impress us, Token." "If you were our friend, how would you keep us entertained?" "Uh..." "Oh, I know!" " Very nice." " I like it." "Token was the definite winner of the talent show." "But then we decided to take everyone to a baseball game, to see how we got along there." "There goes a hit to left field!" "And Foley's going to score!" "Woo-hoo!" "Yeah!" "Isn't this great?" "Drinks!" "Get your drinks here!" "Yes, could I have some tea, please?" "You don't drink tea at a baseball game, you French piece of crap!" "Oh, very well" "Just some crumpets then." "Alright, that does it!" "Pip, get the fudge out!" "Next!" "Okay, let's try this." "Hey, what's wrong with the Jumbotron?" "People of Earth!" "Your meaningless lives are about to end!" "I am Professor Chaos and this is my partner in evil, General Disarray." "In the past few days, I have rained terror down upon the society that shunned me, and now it is time for my final labor of loathing." "I am going to-- flood the world!" " Flood the world!" " My God!" "I don't wanna die." "I don't wanna die!" "Oh yes, every living creature and every sacred building will soon be under leagues and leagues of cold and dark water!" "And there is nothing you can do to stop it!" "General Disarray, begin the flooding of Earth!" "You brought this upon yourselves!" "You made the outcasts of the world." "Now watch, watch as your precious planet drowns!" "Watch!" "Dear Christ, who will save us?" "We have very little time to live." "How shall we spend our last hours on Earth?" "Our reign of terror is complete!" "The turmoil has now come full circle!" "Hey, is that hose on full, General Disarray?" "It's on all the way." "Oh, alright then." "Nothing to do now but watch the world die!" "Ha, ha ha haaa!" "Ha ha haa!" "Boy, this sure is taking a long time." "Okay, so how do we all feel about Towelie as our new friend?" "I think Towelie's awesome." "Towelie's cool, but he gets stoned all the time." "You can't really rely on him for anything." "Ugh, this is giving me a headache." "Now come on, you guys, we can't take this decision lightly." "Whoever we pick is going to be the person we do everything with from now on." "You're right." "Well, how about Timmy?" "He's quiet and he takes direction well." "Really, the perfect friend." "Yeah, but Timmy can be really self-centered." " How about Token?" " Token's a smartass." "So, you're a smartass." "Yeah, but do we really need another one?" "Good point." "Hey, fellas, I was just in the neighborhood, and thought I'd stop by this gift basket." "Oh, thanks, Jimmy." "There's some chocolates and licorice and some games and puzzles inside." " That's great." " Cool." "Yeah, well, I guess I'll be seeing you friends later." "Alright, Jimmy, see ya." "Suck up." "Not long now, General Disarray, and our horrible plan will be complete." "Hey, do you think maybe we should build a boat?" "You know, like, a little raft or something so that when the world floods, you and me and the minions can live?" "Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that." "That's a pretty good idea." "I'll go get a hammer." "Hey, who is that?" " Is this it?" " Yeah, 213, that's the one." "Hey, what are you doin'?" "Ah!" "You may have won this time, but I will be back!" "What do we do now?" "Well, I had another idea of how to kill the world." "I thought it was almost too horrible to even speak of, but now they've left me with no other choice!" "Well, this is it." "We've made our final decision, and one of you, is who we will spending our childhood with, as our new friend." "Oh please..." "Oh God, please." "Four friends, just one rose." "The moment of truth is here." "Kyle, who does the rose go to?" "This is it, General Disarray" "My final solution." "What evil plot do you have this time, Professor Chaos?" "Simple, my dear general." "We are going to tear down the Earth's precious atmosphere!" "Oh yes, my latest plan will melt the polar ice caps and burn all the world with the Sun's harmful rays." "Say good-bye to your precious ozone and hello to chaos!" "Okay, hand me another one, General Disarray." "Ah ha ha, ha ha haa." "Ha ha ha!" "Haa ha ha ha haa!" " Ah ha ha, ha ha ha." " Ha ha, ha haa!" "Will Professor Chaos' latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of Earth?" "And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny?" "And which one of these six South Park residents was killed and will never be seen again?" "The answer to these questions will be answered... right now." "No." "Tweek." "Ms. Choksondik."