"(Taps glass) I'd just like to say thank you all for being here for our first year, all of our lovely residents, all looking so smart, and for choosing us here at Lark Hall, and for having a bit of faith in us." "And Merry Christmas!" "(All) Merry Christmas!" "Merry Christmas." "Cheers." "And a Happy New Year." "When a man grows old and his balls grow cold, and the tip of his prick turns blue..." ". .when it bends in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle, he can tell us a tale or two." "What did Father Christmas bring?" "I don't believe in him." "I shan't see another Christmas." "Mind you, if I was like her, I'd shove my head in the gas oven." "(Loud toot)" "(Breathes heavily)" "Uhhh..." "Mummy!" "Mum !" "What?" "I'm busy!" "Eugh !" "Arnold's dead." "Try and be careful!" "Can I have my room back now Arnold's dead?" "No." "But you can get in this sleeping bag when he's finished with it." "Can we have a bit of respect, please?" "Don't go in that room, Eddie!" "'No, you bloody lift him, you idle monkey!" "'" " l'm not Daley shitting Thompson !" " All right, Father, keep your hair on !" "Set?" "(Sound of tape rewinding)" "'l read it in The Daily Express.' 90% of small businesses go down the tubes, apparently, in the first year." "I should stop you reading that paper." "Bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop." "Yeah, but people don't need sporting goods." "They're always going to get old, aren't they?" "It's just teething troubles, Steve." "Kiss-kiss." "(Sound of tape rewinding)" "(Heavy breathing)" "(Heavy breathing continues)" "'Uhhhhh. . .'" "(Horn blares, brakes screech)" "What do you think you're playing at?" "I could have killed you !" "Oi!" "Come here!" "(Distant horn toots)" "And on Boxing Day, we went to the top of Skidby Windmill and I got badge." "No, you got "a" badge." "Edward?" "On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90, went blue and died." "So far, there has been no communication from him." "(Laughter)" "I think I've made a mistake, all right?" " Just give it a day." "Please." " No, I'm fine, thank you." "But we've just moved all that in." "I'm moving it back out again." "All right?" "It's my things, isn't it?" "Who is he?" "Some gaga old fart Social Services have sent." "Lost his wife." "Lives in a camper van." "Like Popeye." "Clarence!" "We can get your stuff just how you like." "Take as long as you want." " That's not a word." " Yes, it is." " "Taxi."" " You're not playing properly." "Remember your first day at school?" "It's a bit like that." " lt is a bit like that." " The first night's the worst." " Oh !" " l went as mad as her, first few nights." "Be quiet!" "Otherwise the war will start again." "A lot of jabbering simpletons rushing about, wetting themselves." "People you don't know telling you what to do." " l'm off." " Hey!" "Just give it a go." "This is temporary." "This is only temporary." "OK." "Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go?" "She should do." "Then I can move back into my old room." "You can move back if you can pay us 50 quid a week." "'Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting 'and the search for life after death." "'The most famous ghost-hunters and their most famous cases. . .'" "(TV theme music plays)" "Lilian !" " Your daughter is on the phone." " Mavis?" "Really?" "Mavis, oh !" "'Did a ghost leave these chilling messages asking for prayers. . .'" "'What do you think of their chances?" "Who's going to win?" "'l wouldn't like to predict that, Phil.'" "What do you want ringing wastefully from Canada?" "A stamp costs hardly nothing !" "Mum !" "I want to watch "Arthur C Clarke"!" "Mum !" "What do you want doing with those?" "Clarence wants to watch "One Man And His Dog"." "He's paying." " You're a naughty girl." " lt's about ghosts!" "We're all naughty girls." " (Clatter)" " Oh, ball-bearings!" "Wouldn't mind being alone with that one in a long, dark railway tunnel." " Can I get my wages, Kath?" " Sorry, yeah." "It's very important." "It's about recording ghosts!" "He's saying what he does when he wants to hunt them." "Steve, come here!" "You want to say, "Would you mind coming here if you're not too busy?"" "That's what I said." "Watch the TV upstairs." " You ordered me to come in there." " The TV upstairs is haunted !" "Why don't you do it then?" "Please, darling !" "Because I came in there last time, dearest." " You didn't come over here last time." " l did." "(Eddie) Why don't you listen?" "Sorry, love." "Will you sort out the TV for him?" "Ena, you've pinched the knives and forks again !" "Yes, sir." "Arnold's ghost must have got into it when he died." "Arnold's ghost has better things to do than hanging around in a telly." "There, ghosts!" "Are you happy?" "'Thermometers to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature." "'And strange as it might seem, 'one might consider bringing a dog or a cat 'as animals seem to react to supernatural activity." "'Animals also provide much-needed company.'" "'Price's methods were thorough and no nonsense." "'Like many scientists of his generation, he believed it was a matter of time. . .'" "What do you think happens when you die, Dad?" "Can't imagine it's all that different." "(TV) 'A dog or cat allowed to roam freely." "'But most of all, it's imperative that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants 'to allow the ghost-hunter to work 'in controlled conditions without interruptions.'" "(Laboured breathing on tape)" "(Switches tape off)" "(Clarence coughs)" "(Sighs loudly)" "Bastards." "Hello, pigeon." "Are you a magician?" "No." "I'm a retired flasher." "This used to be my room until Arnold came." "Who's he when he's at home?" "He's not anybody now." "He's dead." "He died in that bed." "If you see anything supernatural, do you think you can inform me?" "Do you think you can bugger off?" "Quack-quack!" "Ah, ah !" "Wuh..." "Wuh-wuh-wuh..." " What?" " One out!" "Give me my ball back!" "(Loud smash)" "Wuh-wuh-wuh..." "Come here!" "Come here while I kick you !" "You think they sent me here to be abused?" "Get stuffed !" "This is my house!" "(He sobs)" "(Knocks on door) Big hand's at six, little hand's at eight, Eddie!" "(Alarm goes off)" "Get out!" "Clear off!" "Come here, you lot!" "Come here, come on !" "Never mind making a bid for freedom !" "(Miaows) 'lt's all clear." "False alarm.'" "They are real people, not toys!" "They were little boys and girls as well once!" "I don't want to live here!" "I want things to be like they were. I want my room back!" "Mark my words!" "By the time he's 1 3, he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag !" "Thanks, Lilian." "What did you want to say, Edward?" "What do you want to say?" "(Blows raspberry)" "Oh, where are you off to with a grump on?" "Go on, get yourself off to school." "Tell Mr Kelly you had to go to the dentist." "Idiots!" "Cow!" "Wankerer!" "(Engine running)" "Mummy!" "Dad !" "Easy way out." "Coward's way out." "Just, you know, a cry for help." "That's all." "Classic." " A what?" " Never mind, big ears." "Don't say, "That's all," Steve." "How could we let him get to that?" "Poor fella." "We're going to have to cheer this place up a bit." "I'm very sorry for smacking you." "Are you all right?" "Come here." "You're very fortunate, you know." "I never met my grandparents." "And my mummy and daddy - too far away for us to see them much." "You've got all these old people around with all these amazing stories." "It's a privilege." "At least I think it is." "Do you... ?" "Don't be scared of death, love." "It's all right to be sad." "There's no point being scared." "I'm not scared." "I just want to know what happens." "(Plates clatter)" " Nurse!" " l thought you might want your stuff." "Draw that curtain round." "And give me my left shoe." " Did you want one?" " No..." "Ta." "(Footsteps)" "Sorry for setting the fire bell off." "Sorry I put a lot of talcum on your floor and that." "Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over." "And that time I chucked dirt on your head." "That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for at such a young age." "Sorry." "Are you a magician?" " l gave it up." " Why don't you start again?" "Do me a favour." "When you..." "Did..." "Did you see any kind of bright white light?" "Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?" "As a matter of fact, I did." "This cross-eyed little herbert turned up and yanked me back out." "That's what you should be saying sorry for." "♪ That certain night" "♪ The night we met" "♪ There was magic abroad" "♪ ln the air" "♪ There were angels dining at the Ritz" "♪ And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square... ♪" "(Singing continues downstairs)" "Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at?" "I'm stuck up here on my own with nothing to keep my trousers up with !" "Welcome home." "You know, if I want to top myself..." ". ." "I can jump out the window!" "(Door closes, footsteps running)" "(Mouths words)" "(TV) 'There must be some way we can. . .'" "(Loud snap)" "'" " They say love will find a way." "Always." " l don't deserve love from you." "(Snap)" "'What I deserve is these crippled legs." "And reflect on what I've done. . .'" "(Snoring)" "(Sniffs)" "(Door creaks)" "(Door closes)" "Forget it." "How much did that cost?" "You can't put a price on looking good, chucklebum." "How much is looking stupid?" "Nice 'do, Stevie." "(Tapes clatter)" "You want to watch where you're going." "is this your grand passion?" "Yeah." "But I'm not supposed to." "They're all pictures of ghosts." "When they took that, there was no one there." "Apart from that bloke." "(Shouting outside)" " Please, please!" " What?" " What's his problem?" " Who?" "Flash Gordon." "(Eddie) He was in a war." "What about the others?" "Lilian's miserable." "She trumps a lot." "Reg gets drunk." "Elsie was a dancing teacher, but now has a plastic leg." "Prudence tears up toilet paper." "Ena thinks she's still the King's housemaid and can't stop stealing stuff." "Clive's had a stroke, so all he can say is, "One out."" ""Rage..." ""Rage against the dying of the light."" "♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round" "♪ Round and round, round and round" "♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round" "♪ All day long... ♪" "(Ena) They do go round and round, don't they?" "Sometimes." "♪ The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof" "♪ Woof, woof, woof Woof, woof, woof" "♪ The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof... ♪" "Jesus Christ Almighty!" "♪ All day long All day long" "♪ The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa" "♪ Waa-waa-waa Waa-waa-waa... ♪  I can't put the two things together." "Lived on my own." "Well, myself and the missus." "You live on your own all your life, then they think it's a great idea to shove you together with a load of strangers." "And what do the mummies on the bus say?" "Anyone?" ""Screw this," if they've got any sense." " Everybody all right?" " Yes, thank you." "Nice to see you, Clarence." "♪ The mummies on the bus say hush-hush-hush, hush-hush-hush... ♪" "Oh, God." "I know something that would cheer you up." "You've got to be bleeding kidding !" "Have one of your beers." "I want to show you something." " Are you interested in ghosts?" " No, not in the slightest." " l am." " So I gathered." "I'm trying to catch them on tape." "Where are you going?" "There's nothing in it. lt's all bollocks." " No, it's not." " lt is." ""Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping."" "He's gonna be pissed off when he wakes up." "This is going to bring my piles down." "I need a coin." "Now you have to dance around it a hundred times." "Their hand comes out and you can ask it questions." "Come on." "One." "Two." "98..." " What's happening?" " Nothing much." "99..." "1 00." "(Rustle of wind)" "'There's lots of different ways to contact them." "Séances and Ouija boards.'" "You can stand in front of a mirror and say someone's name again and again and again, then they'll appear." " Does this apply to anyone?" " No, you have to be dead." "is that your wife?" "She looks like Dame Edna." "Shut up." "'Now it's good night from me." "'And it's good night from him." "Good night.'" "Good... night!" "Good night, sweet ladies." "Thanks for the mystery tour." "I'm not that bothered in the future." "My name's Edward." "Mine's Clarence." "♪ Simply because you're near me" "♪ Honey, but when you're near me" "♪ I'm in the mood for love" "♪ Heaven is in your eyes" "♪ Bright as the stars we're under" "♪ Oh, is it any wonder" "♪ I'm in the mood for love?" "♪ Why stop to think of whether" "♪ This little dream might fade?" "♪ We've put our hearts together" "♪ Now we are one" "♪ I'm not afraid" "♪ lf there's a cloud above" "♪ lf it should rain, we'll let it But for... ♪" "(Whispers) Annie..." "Annie..." "(Out loud) Annie?" "Annie..." "Annie!" "(Whispers) Annie..." "Annie..." "Annie?" "Annie..." " Right, I'm knocking off." " That's a good idea." "I'm off down The Ship." " Do you mind if I get changed in here?" " ln... ?" "(Sound of unzipping)" "Did you see "Top of the Pops" last night?" "No, I don't watch it." "Who was on?" " No, I..." "I don'twatchitneither." " No." "Are you still with Mike or... ?" "No, I packed him in." " We're both going away soon, so..." " University?" " That's it." " l wish I'd gone sometimes." "I failed my Geography "A" level." "There was another question on the back of the page." "I finished half an hour before everybody else. I'm thinking, "They're bloody slow!"" "Do you want a lift?" "Yeah, if you like." "Great. I'll just get me jacket on." "You smell like a tart's window box, Steve!" "What have you got on?" "Just something I were bought for Christmas, you know." "'Uhhhh. . .'" "This is what I've got to look forward to, is it?" "Can't you find something more constructive to do?" "Learn a skill?" "I only want to know what happens." "What happens is... isyouthink the last thought you're ever gonna think and then whatever it was that used to be you... justgoes." "Christ, it'd be lovely!" "I've got lots of things I'd like to say." "But the curtain's come down, unfortunately." "That's horrible!" "It can't just be black!" "Don't take the piss!" "It can't just be black!" "(General chatter)" "Are you waiting for someone?" "Yes, a little lad." "(Bell rings)" "Your grandson, is he?" "No." "Just a little lad." "(Children laugh and shout)" "Gaylord !" "You don't have to come and get me." "Don't you want a game?" "Nice weather for one." "I don't like football." "I was wondering if you might accompany me on an expedition?" "'Two fat ladies, 88.'" "The bulb's broken." "Doesn't matter." "The darker, the better." "Now, for those of you..." ". .who have never before sat at a séance, there is absolutely nothing to be fearful of." "Ghosts are very friendly sorts." "They like a nice little chinwag." "But they're very scared of loud noises and sudden movements which is the reason why they're very rarely to be sighted in discos and wrestling matches, for example." "You shouldn't joke." "It'll make 'em vengeful." "Spirits, please accept my mortal apologies." "Now, who are we hoping to contact tonight?" " Anyone." " OK, we'll try for anyone." "is there anybody there?" " (Loud knock) - ls someone in here?" "(Loud knock)" " Who is it?" " Arnold?" "(Two knocks)" "Someone else?" "(Knock)" "Who?" "It's "yes or no" questions only, I think." "is there life after death?" "(Knock)" " What's it like?" " ls it nice?" " (Knock)" " Are there any ghosts in this house?" " (Loud rattle)" " Oh !" "Are there any nice ghosts in this house that don't want to scare anyone or cause any bother or nothing?" "(Loud knock and rattling)" "Yeah." "♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday, dear Edward" "♪ Happy birthday to you !" "♪" " Eddie, good morning !" " Good morning." "(Voices outside)" " Do you like it?" " Yeah." "Thanks." "I'm going to have a shave." "Can I have a kiss, please... ?" "Thank you." "It's a special and glorious day today." " Yeah." " Canada is a country." "And my big God-bothering girl Mavis is coming from there to see me today!" "With her husband who's got a plate in his head." "Of course, she's not a girl now, little man." "She's 66 years old." "I'm 1 1 !" "Well, she's six times better than you are, isn't she?" "(She coughs and wheezes)" "(Loud thump)" "(Mum) Steve!" " What?" " Come here!" "Oh, fantastic(!" ")" "(Car approaches)" "(Doorbell rings)" "Someone answer the door!" "Who do you think you are?" "Lord and Lady Aggleshite?" "Tradesman's entrance!" "Well, shake a leg !" " Oh !" " Got her." " Mum !" " Happy birthday, mate." " Back to your room !" "Quick sharp!" " ls she dead?" "No, she's fine, she's fine." "(Loud thump)" "What's all the fuss about?" "She's had it." "She's only just died !" "Now stop that." "Stop what you're doing !" "(Faint breathing sound)" "She's just in her room with her things." "It's hard to know what to say." "Eddie, I'm worried this is how the Yorkshire Ripper started." "He won't end up like the Yorkshire Ripper!" "(Dad) Why are you so bloody morbid?" " (Eddie) Cos I live here!" " (Mum) We are doing our best!" "We used to go away for the day on my birthday." "(Dad) lt doesn't entitle you to do what you like!" "Oh !" "I heard Lilian's ghost." "It went "uuuuhhhh"." "And I was too thick to turn the tape on." "That's the sound of the air passing over the vocal cords as it comes out the lungs." "No, it's not." "Can we do another séance?" "The proper reaction is to mourn and celebrate their achievements as human beings, then try to move on, not stick a microphone up their nose!" "I used to have a room with Paddington Bear wallpaper." "Yeah, well, I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth." "Your life changes, buster." "And not always for the better." "You accumulate regrets and they stick to you like old bruises." "Sorry." "Many happy returns of the day." "I'll teach you a few tricks." "I'll do you a magic show." "And you can rub out all of today." "And you can ask your pals." "I don't want a party." "Join hands and make contact with the living, son !" "You've got to keep it hidden, see?" "Keep it in the knuckles." "Go on." "You're lucky." "You're still flexible." "Go on." "Now make it disappear." "Go on !" "Pick it up." "Start again." "It doesn't start until September, does it?" "Tanya!" "God Almighty!" "Poor bunch of pricks!" "Go on, ask him." "Ask him about your party." "Good afternoon, Bob." "I don't understand." "It doesn't take five months to pack!" "Tragic, isn't it?" "What were her achievements, then?" "What was she like?" "She was a manipulative, passive aggressive..." ". .unkind old asshole." "♪ Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye" "♪ Cheerio, here I go" "♪ On my way... ♪" "Tanya's resigned !" "Can you believe that?" " She's what?" " Can I have a party?" "I was a prick." " Where did you pick up that?" " Did she give any details?" " l want a magic show." " You were naughty." " Go on." " Details?" " Mum !" " Eddie, get off our backs!" "We've got this bloomin' wake." "♪ 'Til we meet once again, you and I" "♪ Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye!" "♪" "Maybe we should have a wee dance?" "The dancers have all gone under the hill, my dear." "♪ With a cheer, not a tear Make it gay... ♪" "Ohhh, go on, then. lt'll do you good to have some other kids around." " She must have said why." " l don't know why you're so upset." "It's me who'll cop for the extra work." "Cos I do sod all around here, don't I?" "You know, sometimes I wish we did go bloody bankrupt!" "♪ 'Til we meet once again, you and I" "♪ Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye!" "♪" "Find the Lady. 5 will get you 1 0, 1 0 will get you 20." "Money in." "Where is it?" "No." "There she is." " Not so bad here, is it?" " No." "." ".And the vicar says," ""Madam, this is a ladies bike." "It doesn't have a crossbar."" "You see..." ". .she thought she was sitting on the crossbar all the way from Keighley." " But it was his stiffy." " Yep." " Everyone all right?" " Yeah." "Fucking Christians." "You use two panes of very polished glass for Pepper's Ghost." "At an angle like that." "Annie lies there..." "Well,yourassistant." " You've had this." " What?" " You've already had this week's money." " l do not believe I have had this week's." " Don't you?" " No, sunshine, I don't." " Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding." " Bugger off!" "It can just be very small-scale." "It could just be me and you." " What could?" " My birthday party." "I have been trying to draw you out of yourself, in case you hadn't twigged." "God, what's the worst that could happen?" "Kids eat some cake and we lift the grim bloody pallor of mortality for a few glorious moments." "OK, this one." "Got." "Got." "Need." " Oi." " What?" " Have we got PE?" " Of course." "Spastic." "Hey." "Shit!" "Wow!" " Do it again." " The light is on !" "The light is on !" "You've got to flex it between your knuckles." "Don't drop it." "Flex it in your what-nots." "Bleedin' hell." "You've got to practise, you know." "Have you been prac..." "Give us your whatsit's doo-dah there." "You're not going to leave, are you?" "Why do you write so much on your arms?" "Shall we go and get some magical items for your party?" "♪ Don't jump off the roof, Dad You'll make a big hole in the yard" "♪ Mother's just planted petunias" "♪ The weeding and seeding was hard" "♪ lf you must end it all, Dad" "♪ Why don't you give us a break?" "♪ Take a walk in the park, Dad" "♪ And there you can jump in the lake!" "♪" "(Horns blare)" "(Clarence) Oops-a-daisy!" "This is where we are, then." "Find some items to make your party go with a swing." "It's funny." "You spend your life accumulating stuff and then you can't find anywhere to put it." "Imagine that." "Imagine all the money I've spent." "All the bloody work I've done." "There." "I had a fine woman, you know." "She was very artistic." "Very gentle." "We were very happy." " What does this do?" " Tells the time." " ls it magic?" " No. lt's a grandfather clock." "You've got to give them the patter, otherwise they'll latch on to you." " What's patter?" " She was very good at that as well." "She helped me write my funny lines." "I met her at Euston Station." "Well, I saw her." "She passed me by." "I went after her." "I had a ten-bob note in my pocket." "You don't see them any more." "They were red." "So I took it out and I said, "Excuse my intrusion, Miss," ""but I think you might have dropped this."" "And she said, "Oh, gosh !" "I did." "Thank you."" "Yeah." "So I took her to Lyons Corner House." "We had a long bun, as it were." "And that, as they say, was that." "Oh, God." "I haven't the faintest idea why they scrapped 'em." "Tanners and florins and shillings." "You don't know what change you're getting nowadays." "And..." "And..." "Where is this?" "(Tyres screech)" "Clarence?" " Patter." " What?" "!" " Misdirection." " Clarence, you're... !" "Clarence!" "(Horns blare)" "Sorry, I..." "♪ Don't jump off the roof, Dad" "♪ You'll make a hole in the yard... ♪" "You OK?" "When I was a nipper, I used to..." "I remember looking up, lying on my back, and looking up at the stars and thinking what a great, big university it is." "Universe." "And all them stars, well, you know, now they're very, very small." "It's all... shutupshop and the stars, you know, they don't..." ". .what-not." "And the whole... bloodything has ended up..." ". .on" "little..." ". .me." "You can take it to a garage." "What?" "Oh !" "(Engine splutters)" "You see, when you die..." ". .then you come back to life." "You know, actually, you're born again." "Then you die again and, afterwards, you come back to life." "Sounds exhausting." "I want to come back as an animal." "A rabbit or a badger." "Or something." " l like badgers." " What's so good about badgers?" "I like badgers because they're bad-tempered and they look good." "And..." "you can make sporrans out of badgers." "But if you came back as a person, you get a chance to put it right again." "Let me tell you a secret." "Being a person is a pain in the arse." " No, it's not!" " Yes, it is!" " Clarence?" " What?" "If you die, will you come back and see me?" "Jesus wept!" "Chuck that thing away!" "Chuck it away!" "Chuck my bloody tricks away!" "What did you do that for?" "!" "I'm pissing against the wind." "I'm drenching my mackintosh." "You don't come back, son !" "Once they've gone, you can't talk to them !" "If I could just say to her, "l'm sorry." lf l could tell her I was bloody sorry, what a difference that would make." " She's dead, son !" "She divorced me." " Who?" "Annie. I wouldn't settle down." "I couldn't keep it in my trousers." "I was a good-looking fella." "Then one day I came back home and she'd..." "Many years later, I got a letter saying that she'd..." "I was too late for her bloody funeral!" "I've never even seen her grave!" "It's hard..." "to get this far and realise there's absolutely bloody nothing !" " You said you were happy." " Who's happy?" " We could do another séance." " Don't be retarded. I made it up." " What?" " Sod off!" "I want to be by myself." " Clear your own stuff up!" " l will!" "Badgers are stupid !" " Sorry, love!" " Coo-ee!" " You getting your rabbit in your hat?" " No, I'm shoving it up your bum !" "Makes you think, doesn't it?" "No." "I wasn't really thinking about anything very much." "I was thinking about having my dinner." "No, I mean about life being too short." "All that balls." "(Tanya) 'What's the matter, Stevie?" "(Dad) 'Kath and I used to have an awful lot of fun." "'lt just seems to escape you." "'Oh, Christ, Tanya. . .'" "Don't go to university." "Stay here." "We could date." " What?" "!" " Do you think I'm attractive?" " Hold your horses!" "I'm 1 8." " lt's fantastic." " What are you?" "Like 45?" " No, I'm 39!" "'Going on bloody geriatric!" "'" "(Knock)" "(Clarence) Kidder?" "I'm thinking of doing the Card-Finding Duck." "Go away!" " lt takes two people." " Tough titty!" "(Edward) I don't want any bloody magic!" "(Teacher) Ranjit, who in the previous book was called John, has got six marbles." "Zulema, who used to be Samantha, has got 1 2." "And Keith, thank goodness, has got four." "What percentage of the bag does each one have?" "Five minutes." " l don't want to go!" " Pack it in, the both of you !" "Manners!" "But it's an old folks' homo!" "Oh, God, what's that smell?" " Eew!" "It's wee!" " No wonder he's a complete weirdo." "♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday, dear Edward" "♪ Happy birthday to you !" "♪" " Go on, make a wish." " Quick, before that senile old bat!" "(music: "Come on, Eileen")" "Did you make that smell?" " (Record scratches)" " Carry on !" "Carry on !" " Let me do it." " No. I am perfectly capable." " Him, he's out!" "He moved !" " l've been moving since 1 91 7!" "I can't do anything else." "(Music restarts)" "Get up, you." "Reg the Hair." "Get up." "Get up!" "Oh !" "Now move." "(Distant music)" "Can you do your magic show?" "What?" "You sure?" "Have you got any kids?" "(Mum) 'Now then, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,' please put your hands together for The Amazing Clarence!" "Thank you." "I'm not the sort of magician who drags you through endless mysteries." "I'm pretty straightforward." "Well, maybe one or two." "Would you take a card for me, please?" "Any card, any card." "Thank you." "Look at it." "Don't tell me what it is." "No, no." "Don't tell me." "Put it back." "I have a friend who will do that for me." "Ronald, the Card-Finding Duck." "He is going to find your card for you." "Oh !" "Oh !" "Quack, quack!" "Can I have another brave volunteer, please?" "You?" "Another volunteer?" "Come on, come on." "Who?" "Who?" " You, sir?" " No, no, absolutely not!" "No, no, no." " They'd sit knitting and eating frogs." " Eugh !" "And watching people having their heads cut off." "(Gasps)" "(Woman) A carrot!" "Unfortunately, they found that the guillotine was susceptible to the power of raspberries." "They found that if you got enough people..." ". .to blow raspberries, the blade would be diverted from its fatal course." "Which is why I need your help." "OK?" "Let's have a dry run." "(Guillotine rattles)" "OK." "I think we're ready." "Blow!" "Aiiiee!" "Aaaargh !" " l've wrapped it in a bag of peas." " Thank you." " No, no, son !" " Let me go!" " Any other medication?" " Yes. I'm on pills for my..." "Well, I'll be buggered." "Don't put your finger in it!" "One out." "(whistles: "Pack Up Your Troubles")" "Did you have any?" "It's gone crusty." "Go on." "Why don't you have some, eh?" " Let's get the candle lit." " l don't want any!" "Have some cake." " What's the matter?" " l live in an old people's home!" "So do I !" "It's not easy for anybody!" "This'll be the place you send your elderly loved ones to have bits chopped off!" " lt was an accident!" " He's not your grandad, Eddie!" "I wish he was my dad !" "Well, he's going senile." "Haven't you noticed?" "So you'll just have to settle for Mr Knobhead here." " Why did you say that?" "!" " He'll find out." "Eddie, some people don't die just like that, you know, not like Lilian." "Some people, they take a bit longer." "They fade." " l know what senile is!" " There's Daddy and me." " We are NOT going to fade away." " Yes, you are!" "You are!" "You shouldn't get so involved." "What about you?" "Getting involved !" "(Tape) 'Oh, Christ, Tanya." "Don't go to university." "We could date." "'" " Do you think I'm attractive?" " Hold your horses!" "I'm 1 8." "'- lt's fantastic!" " What are you?" "45?" "'No, I'm 39!" "Going on bloody geriatric!" "'" " Don't have an affair with me, Stevie." " l can't support my family." "'l'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible husband and nobody but you 'has a single bloody second for me." "'You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya." "'l think I love you." "'l do.'" "(Dad) 'Maybe if you paid me a bit of attention every now and again !" "(Mum) 'What's the bloody problem with getting your head down?" "'Can you not see beyond a pair of tits?" "' l have never been unfaithful to you." "Not in 1 5 years!" "You just undermine me, Steve." "All the time, you never do anything other than complain !" "(Mum) 'lt's exhausting !" "'" " Why don't you just go?" " Oh, come on !" "(Mum) 'l'm sick of it!" "Go!" "'" "(Engine revs)" "(Car pulls away)" " There." " Oh..." " You look nice in that tie, Reggie." " Thank you." "But you never have it quite straight, do you?" "No?" "We've got to straighten you out a bit in general." "Oh, yes. I suppose so, yes." "Come along." "It's half eight, love." "Come on, get up." "I want a talk." "Edward?" "Eddie?" "On Sunday, we went to Edward's birthday party." "There was a wizard who cut an old man's finger off. lt were extremely wicked." "An old person and a young person, please." "One eighty." " That's a lot of ready cash." " He's my grandad." " Are you?" " Possibly." "There have been many women." "When are we going home, then?" "Come on." "I wanna be where my stuff is." "Come 'ere!" "Oi!" "Come 'ere!" "That was a cheap bloody trick!" "Pull the red thing." " Too late." "We're going." " Pull the whatchamacallit!" "I will if you tell me what it's called." "Well, I know it's red." "What's a divorce like?" " What?" " A divorce." "A bit tricky, I should think." "Come on !" " ls it still there?" " What?" " ls it?" " What's the matter?" "is the..." "is the ground still there?" "Look - ground !" "Sky!" "Ground !" "Ow!" " Oi!" " Concentrate!" "Any danger of a cup of tea and a pork pie?" "Did I already ask that?" " Thank you." " Stay here." "My name..." "is Clarence Parkinson." "And England is my nation." "My teacher's name is..." "MrScott." "And Christ is my..." ". .salvation." "Clarence!" "Come here!" " That's the same name as my missus." " l know." "Oh." "No..." "Oh..." "God." "Sod off." "Sod off!" " Sod off..." " Put them down, then." "Put them down." "Get it off your..." "Don't!" "Don't." "You..." "You've spoilt them." "Yeah." "I've spoilt..." "all these nice flowers, ain't I?" "It's all right." "Know what they're gonna say on my gravestone?" ""Here lies Clarence B Parkinson." ""He was born, he effed it up" ""and then he died."" "What's your name?" " Eh?" " Edward." "Edward..." "Things aren't exactly as they ought to be." "Have you any idea what it is?" "There's something the matter." "The name on that gravestone is the same name as my wife." "Leave it." "I'm gonna go call my mum." "Today's the first time we've spent more than half an hour with each other without a bloody fogey or shitty arse or liquidised bloody carrots in the way for a year." "Because our kid's run off because he hates us so much because of what we do." "That isn't why." "What we do is good." "We didn't go to university, Steve." "You asked me to marry you." "We had a baby." "Do you remember how much..." "Do you remember how hard we tried for him?" "Yeah." "That was the journey we decided to make." "And there might be a few less "dates"" "and I might end up looking like my mother, but..." "Sorry." "It's not that way, love." "Just over here." " l thought it was outside." " You come with me." "That's it." "You argue with your mates sometimes, right?" "And obviously your mum and me..." "sometimes..." "I can be a grumpy bum." "It's no fault of yours, love. lt's just..." "Are you not going to live at home?" "I don't know." "Hey, but you must never think, ever, that you're not absolutely the most important thing in the world to your mum and me." "Do you understand?" "When's he going to die?" "We'll look after him." "Just like we look after everybody." "I'm a little bit bored with you men and your problems at the moment, Edward." "Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go." "I know." "Eh?" " There you are." "Where have you been?" " Go back to sleep." " l've been looking for you !" " Oh, God help us." "Another woolly one who can't cope." "Annie..." "I'm sorry, pigeon." "That's all I wanted to say." "Just to tell you... thatI 'msorry." "I got distracted, love." "If I had my time over again..." "If I had it again..." "Annie..." "I forgive you." "'Marty, I'll be very sad to see you go." "'You've really made a difference in my life." "'Just knowing I'm going to be around to see 1 985, 'that I'm going to succeed in this and travel through time!" "'lt's going to be really hard to wait 30 years to talk to you about this." "'l'm really going to miss you, Marty." "(Marty) 'l'm really gonna miss you.'" "Ace one, wasn't it?" "That one was magic." " Like the bit with the skateboard?" " l was there, too." " Oh, no." "You sure?" " Yeah." "You coming in?" "A couple of minutes can't hurt." " But you did like it, though?" " lt was good, Dad !" " Can I have a word?" " Most assuredly." "With him." "(Clarence) 'Getting to be spring again." "(Edward) 'lt's October." "(Clarence) 'The leaves are looking very nice on the, er..." "'. .large plants you get in the garden." "'" " Trees." " You're not doing that trick right.'" "You've got to give it some patter." "Words." "Why don't you..." "What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?" "Russell." "Or a licence plate on his head?" "Reg." " A man with a car on his head?" " Seatbelt?" "Good lad !" " Can I have my fiver now?" " Your what?" " You said you'd give me a fiver." " What a load of bollocks." " (Knock)" " Come in." " Ready for the off?" " Where to?" "Pictures?" "Ta-ta for now." "I was wondering whether you wanted to move back into your old room." "I'm OK where l am." "He was some magician, wasn't he?" "Oh, come here." "Oh, yeah?" "He shoots, he scores!" "Come on, then !" "Pass it!" "One out!" "Go on, then." "Nice one, old man(!" ")" "(Growl)" "Come on !" "One out!" "Oh, look!" "Abracadabra!" "Oh..." "(Edward) Where are you going?" "Out." " That's all." " You never go out." "Well, things are different now, aren't they?" "Why do you have to put make-up on?" "Because..." "Oh, I don't know." "Makes you feel a bit more human." "You look like a vampire." "(Doorbell)" "Cheers, big ears(!" ")" "You look nice!" "Hi." " Are you ready?" " Yeah."