"...So stay with us because later this afternoon we're lucky enough to be talking to Anna Scott" "Hollywood's biggest star by far" "Miss." "Scott's latest film was a hit..." "Of course, I've seen her films and always thought she was, well, fabulous" "But, you know, a million million miles from the world I live in" "Which is here Notting Hill my favorite bit of London" "There's the market on weekdays, selling every fruit and vegetable known to man" "The tattoo parlour with a guy outside who got drunk and now can't remember why he chose "I Love Ken"" "The radical hair-dressers where everyone comes out looking like the Cookie Monster whether they want to or not..." "And then suddenly it's the weekend and from break of day, hundreds of stalls appears out of nowhere filling Portobello Road right up to Notting Hill Gate and wherever you look thousands of people buy millions of antiques some genuine and some not quite so genuine" "And what's great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of London that's Tony for example, architect turned chef who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant" "And so this is where I spend my days and years in this small village in the middle of a city in a house with a blue door that my wife and I bought together before she left me for a man who looked exactly like Harrison Ford" "and where I now lead a strange half-life with a lodger called..." "Spike!" "Hi you couldn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you?" "This is important in comparison to, let's say, whether they should cancel third world debt?" "That's right, I'm at last going out on a date with the great Janine and I just want to be sure I've picked the right t-shirt" " What are the choices?" " Well... wait for it" "First there's this one, cool uh?" "Yeah, it might make it hard to strike a really romantic note" "Point taken, don't despair if it's romance we're looking for" "I believe I have just the thing" "Yes but there again, she might not think you had true love on your mind" "Right, just one more" "Well, yeah, yeah, that's perfect" " Great, thanks, wish me luck" " Good luck" "And so it was just another hopeless Wednesday as I walked a thousand yard through the market to work" "Never suspecting that this was the day that's gonna change my life forever" "This is work, by the way, my little travel book shop" " Good morning, Martin" " Good morning, sir which, well, sells travel books and, to be frank with you, doesn't always sell many of those" "Classic, profit from major sales push minus 347 pound" "Shall I go get you a cappuccino?" "You know ease the pain a bit" "Yeah, yeah, better make it a half, all I can afford" "I get your logic, demi-capu coming right up" " Uh, can I help you at all?" " No, thanks, I'll just look around" "Fine" "That book's really not great, just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying" "You'd be wasting your money" "But if it's Turkey you're interesting in, um this one on the other hand is very good" "I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps" "There's also a very amusing incident with a kebab which is one of many amusing incident" "Thanks, I'll think about it" "Or the bigger hard back variety, this..." "I'm sorry, can you just give me a second" " Excuse me" " Yes" " Bad news" " What?" "We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop" "So?" "So, I saw you put that book down your trousers" " What book?" " The one down your trousers" "I don't have a book down my trousers" "Right, I tell you what I'll call the police and, what can I say?" "If I'm wrong about the whole book down the trousers scenario, I really apologize" "Okay, what if I did have a book down my trousers?" "Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk you'd remove the Cadogan guide to Bali from your trousers and either wipe it and put it back, or buy it" "I'll see you in a sec" " Sorry about that" " No, that's fine" "I was going to steal one myself but now I've changed my mind" " Signed by the author, I see" " Yes, we couldn't stop him" "If you can find an unsigned one, it's worth an absolute fortune" " Excuse me" " Yes" "Can I have your autograph?" " Sure" " Here" " What's your name?" " Rufus" "What does it say?" "That's my signature and above, it says "Dear Rufus, you belong in jail"" "Good one" " Would you like my phone number?" " Tempting but... no, thank you" " I will take this one" " Oh, right, right" "So, on second thoughts maybe it's not that bad after all actually it's a sort of classic really" "None of those childish kebab stories you find in so many books these days" "And I'll tell you what, I'll throw in one of those for free, useful for lighting fires wrapping fish, that sort of things" " Thanks" " My pleasure" "Cappuccino as ordered" "Thanks, I don't think you'll believe who was just in here" " Who?" "Is it someone famous?" " No, no" "Would be exciting though, wouldn't it?" "If someone famous came into the shop" "Do you know... this is pretty amazing actually but I once saw Ringo Starr" " Where was that?" " Kensington Street or at least I think it was Ringo, it might have been that man from "Fiddler On The Roof"" " You know Toppy" " Topol" "Yes, that's right, Topol" "Ringo Starr doesn't look at all like Topol" "Yes, but he was... he was quite a long way away from me" "So actually it could have been neither of them?" "Yes, I suppose so, yes" " It's not a classic anecdotes, is it?" " Not classic, no" " Another one?" " Uh, yes, no" "Let's go crazy, I'll have an orange juice" " Okay, thanks" " See you later" "Oh, shit" " My God" " I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, here, let me..." " Get your hands off me" " I'm really sorry" "I live just over the street, I have water and soap, you can get cleaned up" "No thank you, I just need to get my car back" "I also have a phone, I'm confident that in five minutes we can have you spick and span and back on the street again in the non-prostitute sense obviously" "All right, well what do you mean "just over the street", give it to me in yards" "Eighteen yards, that's my house there with the blue front door" "Come on in, I'll just..." "Right, right, come in, it's not quite as tidy as it normally is, I fear, but..." "The bathroom is on the top floor and the telephone is just..." "Here, let me..." "Behind the corner, straight on... straight on up" "Fuck" " Would you like a cup of tea before you go?" " No" " Coffee?" " No" "Orange juice... probably not" "Something else cold" "Coke, water some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?" "No" "Would you like something to eat, something to nibble?" "Apricots, soaked in honey quite why, no one knows because it stops them tasting of apricots and makes them taste like honey and... if you wanted honey, you'd just buy a honey, instead of apricots" "but nevertheless there we go, they're yours if you want" "No" "Do you always say "no" to everything?" "No, I better be going" " Thanks for your help" " You're welcome and, may I also say... heavenly" "Take my one chance to say it, after you've read that terrible book you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop" "Thank you" "Yeah, well, my pleasure" "So, it was nice to meet you" "Surreal but... but nice" "Sorry" ""Surreal but nice", what was I thinking?" " Hi" " Hi" " I forgot my other bag" " Right, right" "Thanks" "I'm very sorry about the "surreal but nice" comment, disaster..." "That's okay, I thought the apricot and honey thing was the real lowpoint" "Oh my God, my flatmate" "I'm sorry... there's no excuse for him" " Hi" " Hi" "I'm just going into the kitchen to get some food and then I'm gonna tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins" "Probably best not to tell anyone about this" "Right, right, no one" "I mean, I'll tell myself sometimes but... don't worry I won't believe it" " Bye" " Bye" "There's something wrong with this yogurt" " It's not yogurt... it's mayonnaise" " All right, there you are" "On for a video fest tonight?" "I've got some absolute classics" " Smile" " No" " Smile" " I've got nothing to smile about" "Okay in about 7 seconds, I'm going to ask you to marry me" "Imagine... somewhere in the world there's a man who's allowed to kiss her" "Yes, she is fairly fabulous" " Do you have any books by Dickens?" " No, no, I'm afraid we're a travel bookshop" "We only sell travel books" "Oh right, how about that new John Grisham thriller?" "Well, no, 'cause that's..." "that's a novel too, isn't it?" "Oh, right" "Have you got "Winnie the Pooh"?" " Martin... your customer" " Can I help you?" " Hey" " Hi..." "Just incidentally..." "why are you wearing that?" "Combination of factors really" "No clean clothes..." "There never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes" "Right, vicious circle and then I was like rooting around in your things, and found this, and I thought cool" "Kind of spacey" "There's something wrong with the goggles though..." "No, they were prescription" " Really?" " So I could see all the fishes properly" " You should do more of this stuff" " So, look, any messages today?" "Yeh, I wrote a couple down" "So, there were two, there were two messages, right?" "You want me to write down all your messages?" "Okay, who were the ones that you didn't write down from?" "No, gone completely" "Oh no, there was one from your mum she said don't forget lunch and her leg's hurting again" " No one else?" " Absolutely no one else" "Though if we're going for this obsessive writing down all messages thing some American girl called Anna, called a few days ago" " What did she say?" " Well, it was genuinely bizarre..." "She said, hi... it's Anna... and then she said, call me at the Ritz and then gave herself a completely different name" "Which was?" "Absolutely no idea, remembering one name's hard enough..." "No, I know that, she said that, I know she's using another name the problem is she left a message with my flatmate, which was a very serious mistake" "Imagine if you will the stupidest person you've ever met... are you doing that...?" " Yes, sir, I have him in my mind" " And then double it and that is the... what can I say... the git that I'm living with and he can't remember..." " Try "Flintstone"" " What?" "I think she said her name was "Flintstone"" "I don't suppose "Flintstone" rings a bell, does it?" "I'll put you right through, sir" "Oh my God" "Hello, hi, hi there, hi, hi" "It's William Thacker, we, ahm I work in a bookshop" "Oh, no, I'm sorry, I've never played anything cool in my entire life" "My flatmate, who I'll stab to death later, never gave me the message" "I, I don't know, perhaps I could drop round for tea later or something?" "Right, right, great, bye" "Classic" "Classic" " Which floor?" " Three, please" " Are you sure...?" " Oh, yeah, yeah, sure" "Hi, hi, I'm Karen, I'm sorry things are running a little bit late" "Here's the thing, do you wanna come this way?" "In here" "So, what did you think of the film?" "Yeah, I thought it's fantastic" "I thought it was "Close Encounters" meets "Jean De Florette"" "I agree" "I'm sorry, I didn't get down what magazines you're from" " "Time Out"" " Great, and you're from?" ""Horse and Hound"" "The name's William Thacker, I think she might be expecting me" "Oh, okay... take a seat and I'll go check" "I see..." "I see you've brought her some flowers?" "No... these are for my grandmother" "She's in a hospital down the road, thought I'd kill two birds with one stone" "Sure, right, absolutely, yeah" "Which hospital is that?" "Do you mind me not saying it's a rather distressing disease and the name of the hospital kinda gives it away" "Absolutely, sure, yes" "Right, Mr. Thacker, would you come this way" "Right" "You've got five minutes" " Hi" " Hello" " I brought these, but clearly..." " No, they're great, they're great" "I'm sorry about not ringing back" "The whole two-names concept was totally too much for my flatman's pea-sized intellect" "No, it's a stupid privacy thing, I always pick a cartoon character" "Last time I was Mrs. Bambi" " Everything's all right" " Yes, thank you" "And you are from "Horse and Hound"?" " Yes" " Good" "Is that so?" "Well..." "So..." "I'll just fire away then, shall I?" "Right" "The film's great... and I just was wondered... whether you ever thought of having more... horses in it?" "Well, we would have liked to but it was difficult, obviously, being set in space" "Space, right, yeah, obviously... very difficult" "I'm so sorry..." "I arrived outside... they thrust this thing into my hand, I didn't..." "No, it's my fault, I thought this would all be over by now" "I just wanted to sort of apologize for the kissing thing" "I seriously don't know what came over me and I just wanted to make sure that you were fine about it" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely fine" "Do remember that Miss Scott is also keen to talk about her next project" " which is shooting later in the summer" " Oh yes... excellent, excellent" "Any horses in that one?" "Or hounds, for that matter our readers are equally intrigued by both species" "It takes place on a submarine" "Our bad luck" "But if there were horses in it would you be riding them or would you be getting a stunt horse double man in..." "I'm a complete moron, I apologize" "This is very weird, it's the sort of thing that happens in dreams not in real life" "I mean, good dreams, it's... it's a dream in fact to see you again" "What happens next in the dream?" "I suppose in the dream dream scenario" "I just... ahm, change my personality, because you can do that in dreams and walk over and kiss the girl but..." "Time's up, I'm afraid, did you get what you wanted?" "Nearly, nearly" " Maybe just one last question?" " Sure" "Right" " Are you busy tonight?" " Yes" "Right, right" " Come in" " Well, it was nice to meet you" "Yes, and you" " Surreal but nice" " Thank you" "You are "Horse and Hound's" favorite actress" "You and Black Beauty, tied" "How was she?" " Fabulous" " Excellent" "Wait a minute, she took your grandmother's flowers?" "Yes, that's right, bitch" "Mr. Thacker, Mr. Thacker" "If you'd like to come with me we can rush you through the others" " The others?" " Mr. Thacker's from "Horse and Hound"" " How's it going?" " Very well, thank you" "Have a seat" " Oh, did you enjoy the film?" " Yes, enormously" " Well, fire away" " Right" " Did you enjoy making the film?" " Yes, I did" "Good" "Any bit in particular?" "Well, you tell me what bit you enjoyed the most and I'll tell you if I enjoyed making that bit" "I liked the bit in space very much" "Did you identify with the character you were playing?" "No" "Why not?" "Because he is playing a psychopathic flesh-eating robot" "Classic" " So, is this your first film?" " No, it's my 22nd" "Of course, any favourite among the 22?" " Working with Leonardo" " Da Vinci?" " Di Caprio" " Of course" "And is he your favourite Italian director?" " Mr. Thacker?" " Oh, no!" " Have you got a minute?" " No" "Over here" "Hi" "Hi" "Yeah, so the thing I was doing tonight I'm not doing it any more" "I told them I had to spend the evening with Britain's premier equestrian journalist" "Well, great, fantastic, that's..." "Oh, shittity brickitty, it's my sister's birthday, shit we're meant to be having dinner" " That's fine" " No, I'm sure I can get out of it" "No, I mean, if it's fine with you, I'll be your date" "You'll be my date to my little sister's birthday party?" " If it's all right" " Yeah, I'm sure it's all right" "My friend Max is cooking and he's generally acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world but you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something" "Okay" "Okay" " He's bringing a girl?" " Miracles do happen" " Does the girl have a name?" " I don't know, he wouldn't say" "Oh, Christ, what is going on in there?" "Oh God" "Hi, come on in, vague food crisis" "Hi, sorry, the guinea fowl is proving more complicated than expected" " He's cooking guinea fowl?" " Don't even ask" " Hi" " Hi" " Good Lord, you're the spitting image of..." " Bella... this is Anna" " Right" " Okay, Crisis over" "Max, this is Anna" " Hi" " Hello, Anna..." "Scott have some wine" "Thank you" "I'll get it" "Red or white?" " Hi" " Hi" "Oh, yes, Happy Birthday, look, your brother brought this girl, and ahm..." "Hi guys" "Oh holy fuck" "Hun... this is Anna, Anna, this is Honey, she's my baby sister" "Hi" "Oh God, this is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool and I..." "I'm going to fail just a hundred percent" "I absolutely, totally and utterly adore you and I just think you are the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we could be best friends, so, what do you think?" "Lucky me" " Oh, well, happy Birthday" " Oh, you gave me a present" "We're best friends already then" "Marry Will, he's a really nice guy and then we can be sisters" "I'll think about it" "That'll be Bernie" " Hi!" " Hi!" "Sorry I'm late" "Bollocksed up at work again, I fear" " Millions down the drain" " Well done" " Bernie... this is Anna" " Hello, Anna, delighted to meet you" "And you" "Honey Bunny... happy birthday to you" " Hi there" " Hi" "It's a hat, you don't have to wear it or anything" " Hi, Will" " Hi... hi... hi" " What?" " Wine, Bernie" "You haven't slept with her, have you?" "That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment" " "No comment" means "yes"" " No, it doesn't" " Do you ever masturbate?" " Definitely no comment" "You see... it means "yes"" "So tell me Anna... what do you do?" " I'm an actress" " Oh, splendid" " What do you do?" " I'm actually in the stock market myself so not really similar fields, though I have done a little bit of amateur stuff" "P.G. Wodehouse, farce, all that, you know... careful there, vicar" "Always imagined it's a pretty tough job, though, acting" "I mean the wages are a scandal, aren't they?" "They can be" "I see friends from university clever chaps been in the business longer than you they're scraping by on seven, eight thousand a year" "It's no life" " What sort of acting do you do?" " Films mainly" "Oh splendid, well done, how's the pay in movies?" "I mean, last film you did, what did you get paid?" "Fifteen million dollars" "Right, so that's... fairly good" "Right..." "I think we're ready" "Bella, can you tell me where I could find..." "Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah, it's down the corridor on the right" "I'll show you, I'll show you" "Quickly, quickly, quickly... talk very quickly, what are you doing here with Anna Scott?" " Anna Scott?" " Yes" "The movie star?" " Oh God" " What?" " Oh God, oh Goddy God" " What did you say to her?" "I don't believe it, I don't believe it I actually walked into the loo with her" "I was still chating when she started unbuttoning her jeans she had to ask me to leave" " Oh, God" " So, you didn't knew her?" "What do you think of the guinea fowl?" " I'm a vegetarian" " Oh God" "So how's the guinea fowl?" "Best guinea fowl I've ever taste it" "Having you here, Anna, firmly establishes what I've long suspected that we really are the most desperate hot of under-achievers" "Shame!" "I'm not saying it's a bad thing, in fact, I think it's something we should take pride in" "I'm going to give the last brownie as a prize to the saddest act here" "Bernie" "All right, all right, well obviously it's me, isn't it?" "I mean I work in the City in a job I don't understand and everyone keeps getting promoted above me" "I haven't had a girlfriends since... puberty and... nobody fancies me, and if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will" " Nonsense, I fancy you" " Really?" "Yeah, or I did before you got so far" "You see" "And unless I'm much mistaken, your job still pays you rather a lot of money while Honey here, she earns twenty pence flogging her guts out at London's seediest record store" "Yes, and I haven't got hair, I got feathers and I've got funny goggly eyes, and I'm attracted to cruel men and actually no one will marry me because my boosies have actually started shrinking" "You see, incredibly sad" "Yeah, but on the other hand, her best friend is Anna Scott" "Oh, that's true, I can't deny it, I mean she needs me, what can I say?" "And most of her limbs work, whereas I'm stuck in its thing day and night in a house full of ramps" "And to add insult to serious injury I've totally given up smoking, my favourite thing and, well... the truth is... we can't have a baby" "Bella" "C'est la vie..." "It's all right, we're lucky in lots of ways, but... surely that's worth a brownie" "Well, I don't know, look at William, very unsuccessful professionally" "Oh, it's true" "Divorced, used to be handsome, now kind of squidgy around the edges and absolutely certain never to hear from Anna again when she's heard that his nickname at school was" " Floppy" " You did, I can't believe it" "Thanks very much, thank you well, at least I get the last brownie, right?" "I think you do, yes" "But, wait, what about me?" "I'm sorry?" "You think you deserve the brownie?" "Well... a shot at it at least, huh?" "You'll have to prove it, I mean this is a very very good brownie and I'm gonna fight for it" "I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen which basically means I've been hungry for a decade" "I've had a serious of not nice boyfriends one of whom hit me and every time I get my heart broken the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment" "And, it's taking two rather painful operations to get me looking like this..." " Really?" " Um, really and one day, not long from now, my looks will go they will discover I can't act and I will become some sad middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while" "Nah!" "Nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone" "Pathetic effort to hog the brownie" " Thank you for such a terrific time" " I'm delighted" " That's a great tie" " Now you're lying" "Okay, it's true, I told you I was bad at acting" " Lovely to meet you" " Yeah, and you, and you" "I'll wait until you're gone before I tell him you're a vegetarian" " Good night" " Good night, I'm so sorry about the loo thing" "I meant to leave but I just..." "Look, ring me if you need someone to go shopping with" "I know lots of nice, cheap places" "I mean not that money is necessarily..." " I just want to say nice to meet you" " Happy birthday" " Thank you" " You're my style guru" "Sorry, can I just..." "Thanks" " Leave her" " Good night everyone" "Bye" "See you" "Bye guys, bye Anna" "Love your work" "Good night" "Sorry, they always do that when I leave the house, it's a stupid thing" "I hate it" " Floppy, huh?" " It's the hair!" "It's to do with the hair" "Why is she in a wheelchair?" "Because she had an accident about eighteen months ago" "And the pregnancy thing is that to do with the accident?" "You know, I'm not sure, I don't think they'd tried for kids before, as fate would have it" "Would you like to..." " My place is just...?" " Too complicated" "That's fine" "Busy tomorrow?" " I thought you were leaving tomorrow" " I was" "All these streets round here have these mysterious communal gardens in the middle of them" " They're like little villages" " Let's go in" "Ah no... that's the point, they're private villages only the people who live round the edges are allowed in" "You abide by rules like that?" "I don't, no, no, but others do I just do what I want" "Right" " Whoopsidaisies" " What did you say?" " Nothing" " Yes, you did" " No, I didn't" " You said "whoopsidaisies"" "No one says "whoopsidaisies", do they..." "I mean unless they're..." "There is no "unless", 'cause no one has said "whoopsidaisies" for what?" "Fifty years and even then it was only just little girls with blonde ringlets" "Exactly, right, so here we go again" "Whoopsidaisies" "Yeah, well, it's a disease, it's a clinical thing" "I'm taking pills and having injections I've been told it won't last long" " Okay, step aside" " I don't think that's a good idea" "Really, it's quite some tricky" "Anna, Anna, don't, it's harder than... no it's not... it's easy" " Come on, Flopsy" " All right, all right" "Oh, God, this is gonna be very unpleasant" "Bugger!" "Bugger!" "Now what in the world in this garden make that ordeal worthwhile?" "Nice garden" ""For June, who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her"" "Some people do spend their whole lives together" "Come and sit with me" "Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, have you seen my glasses?" " No, afraid not" " Big, big bollocks" "Habitually, my glasses are everywhere" "Everywhere I look, there's a pair of glasses but when I want to get out with someone they vanish it's one of life's real cruelties" "That's compared to, like, earthquakes in the Far East or testicular cancer?" "Oh shit, is that the time?" "Thanks for your help on the glasses thing" "Oh, you're welcome, did you find them?" " Sort of" " Great" " So who left who?" " She left me" " Why?" " She saw through me" "Uh-oh, that's not good" "No, no, no!" "Give me Anna Scott any day" "I didn't like her last film, I felt asleep since the lights went down" "I don't really care what the films are like, any film with her in it fine by me" "She's not my type at all, I prefer that other one, you know blonde sweet looking" "You know, what's her name?" "Has an orgasm every time you take her out for a cup of coffee" "Meg Ryan" "She's too wholesome" "You see the point about Miss." "Scott, she got that twinkle in her eye" "Probably, drug-induced, spent most of her life in bloody rehab" "Whatever, she's so clearly up for it" "I mean, most girls, they're all 'stay away chum' but Anna, she's absolutely gagging for it" "Do you know that in over fifty percent of languages the word for "actress" is the same as the word for "prostitute"" "And Anna is your definitive actress, someone really filthy you can just flip over..." " Right, that's it, sorry" " There's really no point..." "I'm sorry to disturb you guys but..." "Can I help?" "Well, yeah, I wish I hadn't overheard your conversation but I did and I just think, you know... the person you're talking about is a real person and I think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration" "rather than having jerks like you drooling over her" "Oh sod off, mate, what are you, her dad?" " I'm sorry" " No, no" "I love that you tried, time was I'd have done the same thing" "In fact..." " Hi" " Oh my God..." "I just wanted to apologize for my friend, he's very sensitive" "No, no, no, leave it, it's... you know I'm sure you didn't mean any harm" "I'm sure it was just friendly banter" "I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts enjoy your dinner, the tuna's really good" "I shouldn't have done that I shouldn't have done that" " No, you were brilliant" " I'm rash and I'm stupid" " And what am I doing with you?" " I don't know, I'm afraid" "I don't know either" " Here we are" " Yes" "Do you want to come up?" "Well, there seem to be lots of reasons why I shouldn't so..." "There are lots of reasons" "Do you want to come up?" "Give me five minutes" " Hi" " Hi" "To be able to do that is such a wonderful thing" " You've got to go" " Why?" "Because my boyfriend, who's in America, is in fact now in the next room" " Your boyfriend?" " Yes..." " Hey, baby, who is it?" " Ahm..." "It's a..." " Room service" " How you doing?" "I thought you guys always wore those penguin coats" "Usually we do, but I was just changed to go home and then I thought I'd just take this final call" "Great, if you don't mind I would like something too could you bring me up some really really cold water?" " I'll see what I can do" " Still, not sparkling" "Absolutely, ice cold still water" "Unless of course, it's illegal in the UK to serve beverages below room temperature" "I wouldn't want you to go to jail just to satisfy my whim now..." " No, I'm sure it's fine" " Thank you" "Hey, one more thing if you don't mind could you adios these dirty dishes and take out that trash too" " Right" " No, no, don't do that..." " I don't think it's his job to clear" " Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" " What's your name man?" " Bernie" "Listen, Bernie, thank you, I really appreciate it" "Hey, you" "So, tell me, tell me, tell me, good surprise, or nasty surprise?" " Good surprise" " Oh, such a liar, she hates surprises" "Hey, what are you gonna order?" "From him, what are you gonna order?" " Oh, I haven't decided yet" " Well, don't over do it" "I don't want people saying, there goes that famous actor with the big fat girlfriend" "I should leave" "This is a fairly strange reality to be faced with" "I'm so sorry..." "I don't know what to say" "I think goodbye is traditional" "Come on... open up" "This is me" "Spikey" "I'm in contact with some quite important spiritual vibrations" "Come on, hit me with it" " There's this girl..." " Aha!" "See I'd been getting a female vibe, good, speak on, dear friend" "She's someone who... can't be mine and it's as if I've taken love-heroin and now I can't even have it again" "I've opened Pandora's box and there's trouble inside" "Yeh, tricky... tricky..." "I knew a girl at school called Pandora ...never got to see her box though" "Right, right, thanks, that's very helpful" " You didn't know she had a boyfriend?" " No, no" "Why, did you?" "Oh, bloody hell, I don't believe it my whole life ruined because I don't read "Hello" magazine" "Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation" "Anna's a goddess and you know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods" " Buggered, is it?" " Every time" "But don't despair I think I have the solution to your problems" "Really?" "Her name is Tessa and she works in the contracts department" "The hair, I admit, is unfashionable frizzy but she's as bright as a button and kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row" "Apparently" "Now... try" "I got completely lost, it's real difficult, isn't it?" "Everything's got the word "Kensington" in it" "Kensington Park Road, Kensington Gardens, Kensington bloody Park Gardens..." " Tessa, this is Bella my wife" " Hello, you're in a wheelchair" "That's right" " And this is William" " Hello William" "Hi" " Max has told me everything about you" " Has he?" "Oh, yes, you are nutty boy" " Wine?" " Oh, yes please" "Come on, Willie, let's get sloshed" " Red or white?" " Red" " Keziah, some woodcock?" " No, thank you..." "I'm a fruitarian" "What is a fruitarian exactly?" "We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings so we think cooking is cruel" "We only eat things that have actually fallen from the tree or bush that are, in fact, dead already" "Right, right" " So these carrots..." " Have been murdered, yes" "Murdered?" "Poor old carrots, that's beastly" "Delicious coffee" "I'm sorry about the lamb" "No, I thought it was really, you know, interesting" "Interesting means inedible" "Really inedible... yes you're right" "Well, maybe we'll meet again" "Yeah, yeah, that would be... be great" "Bye" " Well?" " Perfect, absolutely perfect" "And?" "You see I think you've forgotten what an unusual situation you two have to find someone you actually love, who'll love you" "I mean the chances are always miniscule" "Look at me, apart from the American I've only loved two girls" " Both total disasters" " That's not fair" "No really, one of them marries me then leaves me faster than you can say Indiana Jones and the other, who seriously ought to have known better casually marries my best friend" " She still loves you though" " Yeah, in a depressingly asexual way" "I never fancied you much actually..." "Oh, God" "I loved you, you were terribly funny but all that kissing in my ears..." "I don't believe it, this is just getting worse" "I shall find myself, 30 years from now, still sitting on this sofa" " Do you want to stay?" " Yeah, why not?" "All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman" "Here we go" " Good night" " Good night" " See you around" " Bye, bye" "Guilty, very very guilty" "So it seems" "Hi" " Can I come in?" " Come in" "They were taken years ago, I know it was..." "Well, I was poor and it happens a lot, that's not an excuse but to make matters worse, it now appears as though someone was filming me as well" "So what was a stupid photo shoot now looks like a porno film" "And the pictures have been sold and they're just everywhere" "I didn't know where to go the hotel is surrounded" " I know it's been months but..." " This is the place" "Thank you" "I'm just in London for two days but, with your papers, it's the worse place to be" "I mean, these pictures are such horrible they're so grainy... they make me look like..." "Don't think about it, we'll sort it out" "Now what would you like... tea... bath?" "A bath would be good" "Christ alive..." "Brilliant... fantastic ...magnificent" "You must be Spike" " Hi" " Just checkin'" "Thank you, God" "I'm really sorry about last time" "He just flew in..." "I had no idea" "In fact, I had no idea if he'd ever fly in again" "Listen, it's not often one has the opportunity to adios the plates of a major Hollywood film star" "It was thrilling for me" "So, how is he?" "I don't know" "It just got to the point where I couldn't remember any of the reasons why we were together" "And you... and love?" "Oh, there's a question without an interesting answer" "I have thought about you" "Oh, no" "It's just that anytime I've tried to keep anything normal with a person that was normal it's just been a disaster" "Anna, listen I appreciate that absolutely" " So, what is that the film you're doing?" " Start in L.A. On Tuesday" "Would you like me to take you through your lines?" "Would you?" "It's all talk, talk, talk" "Hand it over" "Right, basic plot?" "I'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer who in about twenty minutes is gonna save the world from nuclear disaster" "Well done you" "Message from command, would you like them to send in the HKs?" "No, turn over 4 TRS's and tell them we need radar feedback before the KFT's return at 19 hundred then inform the Pentagon we need black star cover from ten hundred through 12.15 and if you say one word about how many mistakes I made in that speech" "I'll pelt you with olives" "Very well, captain, I'll pass that on straightaway" "Thank you, how many mistake did I make?" " Eleven" " Damn it" " And Wainwright..." " Cartwright" "Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever your name is" "I promised little Jimmy I'd be home for his birthday so could you get a message through that I may be a little late" " Certainly, and little Johnny?" " My son's name is Johnny?" " Yup" " Well, get a message through to him too" "I'll do what I can captain but I can't promise anything and Cartwright goes" " What do you think?" " Gripping" "You know, it's not Jane Austen, it's not Henry James, but it's gripping" "You think I should do Henry James instead?" "Well, I think you could be brilliant in Henry James" "But, you know, this writer..." "writers are damn pretty good too" "You never get anyone in "Wings of a Dove" saying" ""inform the Pentagon that we need black star cover"" "And for me the book is the poorer for it" "I can't believe you have that picture" " You like Chagall?" " I do" "It feels like how love should be, floating through a dark blue sky" "With a goat playing a violin" "Yes, happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat" "You have big feet" "Yes, always have had" "You know what they say about men with big feet?" "No, I don't know, what's that?" ""Big feet..." "large shoes"" "The thing that is so irritating is that now I'm so totally fierce when it comes to nudity clauses" "You actually have clauses in your contact about nudity?" "Definitely" ""You may show the dent of the top of the artist's buttocks but neither cheek" "Or, if there's a stunt bottom being used, the artist must have full consultation"" " You have a stunt bottom?" " I could have a stunt bottom, yes" "And people tempted to go for a better bottom than your own?" "Yeah, I mean, I would this is important stuff" "It's one hell of a job, isn't it?" "What do you put on your passport?" "Profession:" "Mel Gibson's bottom" "Actually, Mel does his own ass work" " Right" " Why wouldn't he?" "Absolutely" " It's delicious" " The ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom?" "Both, equally" " But you wouldn't necessary lick both?" " Oh, this is tart and fuzz-free" "And... the bedroom is..." "you know, clean sheets" "Today has been a good day, which under the circumstances is... unexpected" "Thank you" "Anyway time for bed" "Or sofa-bed" " Good night" " Good night" "Oh, my God" " Anna" " Hello" " Spike" " I wonder if I could have a little word" " What?" " I don't want to interfere, or anything but she's just split up from her boyfriend, that's right isn't it?" "Maybe" " And she's in your house" " Yes" " And you get on very well" " Yes" "Well, isn't this perhaps a nice opportunity to slip her one" "Spike, for God's sake, she's in trouble just get a grip" "Right, you think it's the wrong moment, fair enough" "Do you mind if I have a go?" " Spike!" " Okay" " I'll talk to you in the morning" " Okay, might be too late, but okay" " Please sod off" " Okay" "No!" "No, wait I... thought you were someone else" "I thought you were Spike I'm thrilled that you're not" " What?" " Nothing" "It does strikes me as, well, surreal, that I'm allowed to see you naked" " You and every person in this country" " Oh God yes, I'm sorry" "What is it about men and nudity?" "Particularly breasts" "How can you be so interested in them?" "No but seriously, they're just breasts, every second person in the world has them" "More than that actually, when you think about it you know, Meatloaf has a very nice pair" "But, they're odd-looking, they're for milk, your mother has them" "Seen a thousand of them, what's so fuss about?" "Actually, I can't think what it is really..." "Let me just have a quick look..." "No, no, beats me" "Rita Hayworth used to say, "they go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me"" " Who was Gilda?" " Her most famous part" "Men went to bed with the dream and they didn't like it when they woke up with reality" "Do you feel that way?" "You're lovelier this morning than you have ever been" "I'll be right back" "Breakfast in bed" "Or it's brunch, or lunch or something" "Can I stay a bit longer?" "Stay forever" "Okay, oh, I forgot the jam" "I'll get the jam, you get the door" "Jesus Christ" "What?" "What is it?" " Nothing really" " You're up to something..." "Anna, no, please" "My God, and they got a picture of you dressed like that?" "Yes" "Undressed like this, yeah" " Morning, daring ones" " It's me, the press are here" "No, there are hundreds of them, my brilliant plan was not so brilliant, I know" "I know, I know, just get over here, damn it" " I wouldn't go outside" " Why not?" "Just take my word for it" "How did I look?" "Not bad, not at all bad" "Well-chosen briefs, I'd say" "Chicks love grey, nice firm buttocks" " How are you doing?" " How do you think I'm doing?" " I don't know what happened" " I do" "Your furry friend thought he'd make a buck or two telling the papers where I was" " That's not true" " Really?" "The entire British press get up this morning and thought "I know where Anna Scott is" "She's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill"" "And then you go out in your goddamn underwear" " I went out in my goddamn underwear too" " Get out" " I'm so sorry" " This is such an unbelievable mess" "I come to you to protect myself against more crappy gossip and now I'm just landed in it all over again" "I mean, for God's sake, I've got a boyfriend" " You have?" " Well, as far as they're concerned I do, yes" "And now tomorrow there'll be pictures of you in every newspapers from here to Timbuktu" "Anna, I know that but..." "just let's stay calm..." "You can stay calm, this is the perfect situation for you, isn't it?" "Minimum input, maximum publicity" "Everywhere you go people will say "Well done you, you slept with that actress"" ""we saw the pictures"" " That's spectacularly unfair" " Who knows, maybe it'll help business" "Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy who screwed Anna Scott" "Now stop, stop, I beg you" " Calm down, have a cup of tea" " I don't want a goddamn cup of tea" "I just want to go home" "Spike, check who that is... and put some clothes on for God's sake" "Looks like a chauffeur to me" "Spike owes you an expensive dinner or holiday depending if he's got the brains to get the going rate on betrayal" "That's not true and wait a minute... this is crazy behavior" "Can't we just laugh about all this?" "Seriously, in the huge sweep of things, this stuff doesn't matter" "What he's gonna say next is there are people starving in the Sudan" "Well, there are and we don't have to go anywhere near that far" "My best friend slipped she slipped down stairs, cracked her back and she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life you know, all I'm asking for is a normal amount of perspective" "You're right, of course, you're right" "It's just that I've dealt with this garbage for ten years" "You've had it for ten minutes" "Our perspectives are very different" "I mean, today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's waste paper bins" " Excuse me?" " Well, you know, it's just one day" "Tomorrow, today's papers will all have been thrown out" "You really don't get it" "This story will be filed, every time anyone writes anything about me they'll dig up these photos, newspapers last forever" "I'll regret this forever" "Right, right" "I will feel the opposite, if that's okay by you and always be glad that you came to stay but you're probably right, you better go" "Was it you?" "I may have told a few people down the pub" "Right" "Have we got something for you" "Something which will make you love me so much you'll want to hug me every day for the rest of my life" "Blimey, what is it?" "The phone number of Anna Scott's agent in London and her agent in New York" "Listen, you think about her all the time now you can ring her!" "Yeah, brilliant, thanks" "I'll see you tonight, hey, Marty, ooh, sexy cardy" "Hello, I have a little speech to make, I won't stand up because I can't... be bothered" "Exactly a year ago today, this man here started the finest restaurant in London" "Thank you very much" "Unfortunately no one ever came to eat here" "It's a tiny hiccough" "And so we have to face the fact that from next week we must find somewhere new to eat" "I just want to say to Tony, don't take it personally the more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life no one knows why some things work out, and some things don't" "why some of us get lucky and some of us get fired" " What?" " No!" "Yeah, well it seems they're shifting the whole outfit much more towards the emerging market and of course, well I was total crap so..." "A toast to Bernie the worst stockbroker in the whole world!" "Thank you, and Tony the worst restaurateur" "Tony and Bernie, both crap" "In their own special ways" "Since it's an evening of announcements I've also got one" "I've decided to get engaged" "I've found myself a nice, slightly odd looking bloke who I know is gonna make me happy for the rest of my life" "Oh, wait a sec, I mean, I'm your brother and I don't know anything about this" "I don't know, is he financially valuable?" "He's an artist with brilliant prospects" "This is the secret you've been keeping from me" "By the way, it's you" "Me?" " What do you think?" " Well, yeah" "Groovy" "Excuse me, are there any more announcements?" "Well, actually, yes" "I feel I should apologize to everyone for my behavior over the last six months" "I have, as you know been somewhere down in the mouth" "There's an understatement, there are dead people on better form" "But I just wish to make it clear that I've turned the corner and henceforward intend to be impressively happy" "Uh, I'm horribly drunk" " So, you've laid the ghost" " I believe I have" " Don't give a damn about the famous girl" " No, I don't think I do" "Which means you won't be distracted by the fact that she's back in London grasping her Oscar and currently to be found filming most days on Hampstead Heath" "Oh God no" "So not over her, in fact" " Can I help you?" " Yes, I'm looking for Anna Scott" " Does she know you're coming?" " No, no, she doesn't" "I'm afraid I can't let you through, sir" "Right, I mean, I'm actually a friend, I'm not a lunatic but, no, you basically..." "Can't let you through, sir" " This is... ah..." " I only found out you were here yesterday" " I was going to call but I..." " Anna" "Yes" "Things are not going very well and it's our last day" "Absolutely, you're clearly very busy" "But... if you could wait..." "there are things to say" "Okay" "Drink tea, there's lots of tea" "Come and have a look..." " Are you a fan of Henry James?" " This is a Henry James film?" "Yeah" "This is Harry, he'll give you a pair of headphones so you can hear the dialogue" " Thank you very much" " No problem" " Hi" " Hi, here we go" "The volume is on the side, there you could have a seat" "Thank you" "We are living in cloudcuckooland we'll never get this done today" "We've got to, I have to be in New York on Thursday" "Oh, stop showing off" " God, that's an enormous arse" " I'm not listening" "No, but seriously, it's not fair so many tragic young teenagers with anorexia and that girl has an arse she could perfectly well share around with at least ten other women and still be big-bottomed" "I would think, looking at something nice like that you and your bony little excuse for an "arse" would be well-advised to keep quiet" "And then a bit in the end of the scene I ask you when you're telling everyone" " and you say...?" " "Tomorrow will be soon enough"" "And then I... right" "So, who's that rather difficult chap I saw you talking to on the back?" "No one just some guy from the past, I..." "That's a bit of an awkward situation really I don't know what he's doing here" "Of course" "Thanks, I'll go to..." "Anytime" "I do hate to disturb you whilst you're cooking the books, but there's delivery for you" "Martin, really, can't you just do it yourself?" "But it's not for the shop, this is for you" "Right, okay, tell me, if I employed a wet rag would I have to pay as much as I pay you?" " Hi" " Hello" "You disappeared" "Yeah, yeah, I had to leave..." "I didn't want to disturb" " How've you been?" " Fine, fine" "Everything much the same when they change the law Spike and I will marry immediately" "Whereas you..." "I've watched in wonder, awards, glory" "Oh no, it's all nonsense, believe me" "I had no idea how much nonsense it was but nonsense it all is..." "Well, yesterday was our last day of filming so I'm leaving but I brought this for you from home, so I thought I'd give it to you" "Thank you" " Shall I..." " Oh, no, don't open now I'll be embarrassed" "Well, thank you, I don't know what it's for but thanks anyway" "Actually I had it in my apartment and I thought... but, when it came to it, I didn't know how to call... having behaved so badly... twice" "So it's just been sitting in the hotel then you came and I figured..." "The thing is... the thing is..." "What?" "What is the thing?" "Don't even think about it, go away immediately, go away" "Right, sorry" "You were saying..." "Yes" "I have to go away today but I wondered, if I didn't whether you might let me see you a little or, a lot maybe... see if you could like me again" "But yesterday that actor asked you who I was and you just dismissed me out of hand" "I heard, you had a microphone..." "I had headphones" "You expect me to tell the truth about my life to the most indiscreet man in England?" "Excuse me, it's your mother on the phone" "Will you tell her I'll ring her back" "I actually tried that tack but she said you said that once before and now it's been twenty-four hours and her foot that was purple is now a sort of blackish color..." "Right, right, yeah, perfect timing as ever" " Martin, hold the fort for a second" " Yes, all right" "Could I just say, I thought "Ghost" was the most wonderful film" " Is that right?" " Oh, yes" "I've always wondered what Patrick Swayze is like in real life" "I can't say that I know Patrick all that well" "What?" "He wasn't that friendly during the filming?" "Well, I'm sure he was friendly to Demi Moore who acted with him in "Ghost"" "Oh right, sorry" "Always been a bit of an ass" "Anyway... well, it was lovely to meet you" "I'm a huge fan of yours and Demi's, of course" "Sorry about that" "That's fine, there's always a pause when the jury goes out to consider their verdict" "Anna, look, I'm a fairly level-headed bloke" "Not often in and out of love" "But..." "Can I just say 'no' to your kind request and leave it at that?" "Yes" "Fine, of course, I... of course..." "Well, I'll just be going it was nice to see you" "The thing is... with you, I'm in real danger" "It seems like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours but my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not recover if I was once again cast aside, as I will absolutely expect to be" "There are just too many pictures of you, too many films" "You know, you'd go and I'd be... well, buggered, basically" "That reality is a real "no"" "I live in Notting Hill, you live in Beverly Hills" "Everyone in the world knows who you are my mother has trouble remembering my name" "Fine" "Fine, good decision, good decision" "The fame thing isn't really real, you know" "And don't forget" "I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love her" "Bye" " So, what do you think?" "Good move?" " Yeah, good move" "When all is said and done she's nothing special" "I saw her taking her pants off and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there" "Good decision, all actresses are mad as snakes" " Tony, what do you think?" " Never met her, never want to" " Brilliant, Max?" " Absolutely, never trust a vegetarian" "Great, thanks, brilliant" " I was called and I came, what's up?" " William has just turned down Anna Scott" "You daft prick!" "No, no, no, it's actually quite sensible" "That painting isn't the original, is it?" "Yeah, I think it might be, yeah" " But she said she wanted to go out with you" " Yeah" "That's nice" "What?" "Well, you know, anyone saying that they wanna go out with you is pretty great, isn't it?" "It was sort of sweet actually" "I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line but she said that she might be as famous as can be but also... that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy" "asking him to love her" "Oh sod a dog, I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?" "Max, how fast is your car?" "Good luck" "If anyone gets in our way, we have small nuclear devices" " Where to?" " The Ritz, all I can think is the Ritz" " Where's Bella?" " She's not coming" "Sod that, Bernie in the back!" "I'm okay" "Come on, babe" "Which way are you going?" "Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner" " No, no, crazy, crazy go along Bayswater..." " That's right then Park Lane" "No, no, straight down to Cromwell Road, and left" "No!" "Stop right there!" "I will decide the route, all right?" "Sorry, Max" "James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit" " Turn right, turn right" " I can't, it's one way" " Well, do a U-turn" " Oh, solid..." "Brilliant" "Brilliant, this is fun" "Sorry" " Hi!" "Is Miss Scott staying here?" " No, sir" " How about Miss Flintstone?" " No, sir" " Bambi..." " No, sir" " Or, I don't know, Beavis or Butthead?" " No, sir" "Thanks, thanks" "There was a Miss Pocahontas but she checked out about an hour ago but I believe she's holding a press conference at The Savoy before flying to America" "We have lift off!" " You have message for Takiama" " I'll just check, sir" "We'll do this for a bunch of bananas" "Stop, stop..." "Go" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on!" "Come on!" "Come on, come on, wait, hold, go, go, go" "You're my hero" "Stop there!" "Go!" "Excuse me, where's the press conference, please?" "Are you an accredited member of the press?" "Yep" "Here you go" "That's a Blockbuster video membership card, sir" "That's right..." "I work for their in-house magazine, "Movies are our business"" " I'm sorry, sir..." " He's with me" "And you are?" "Writing an article on how London hotels treat people in wheelchairs" "Yes, of course, madam, it's in the Lancaster Room but I'm afraid you're rather late" "Run!" "Does this mean that miss Scott will not be publicizing her next film?" "No, absolutely does not mean that, she'll be abiding by all her present commitments" "She just won't be making any more for the next year" "When will the film be released?" "At the moment, the plan is to release it in America towards the end of the autumn" "And over here around Christmas or early in the new year?" "Right, Dominic" "Anna, how much longer are you staying in the UK then?" "No time at all, I'll leave tonight" "Which is why we have to round things up now so final questions, please" "Yes, lady there" "Is your decision to take a year off anything to do with the rumours about Jeff and his present leading lady?" "Absolutely not" "Do you believe the rumours?" "Well, it's really not my business any more, though I will say, from my experience rumours about Jeff do tend to be true" "Yeah, the last time you were here there were some fairly graphic photographs taking of you with a young English guy, so what happened there?" "He was just a friend, we're still friends I think" "Right, yes, the gentleman in the pink shirt" "Yes" "Miss Scott are there any circumstances in which the two of you might be more than just good friends?" "I hoped there would be but no, I'm assured there aren't" " But what would you say..." " I'm sorry, just one question please" "No, it's all right you were saying?" "I was just wondering if it turned out that this... person..." "Thacker, his name is Thacker" "Thanks, thanks" "I just wondered whether if Mr. Thacker realized he'd been a daft prick and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider whether you would in fact then... reconsider" "Yes, I believe I would" "That's very good news" "The readers of "Horse and Hound" will be absolutely delighted" "Right, Dominic, if you'd like to ask your question again?" "Yeah, Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain?" "Indefinitely" " What happened?" " It was good"