"Black." "All important movies start with a black screen." "And music." "Edgy, scary, music that would make a parent or studio" "(...) executive nervous." "And logos." "Really long and dramatic logos." "Warner Bross." "Why not Warner Brothers?" "I dunno." "DC." "The house that Batman built." "Yeah, what Superman." "Come at me bro." "I'm your Kryptonite." "Hmm." "Not sure what Ratpac does, but that logo is macho." "I dig it." "Okay." "Get yourself ready for some..." "Get yourself ready for some... reading." ""If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change."" "take a look at yourself and make a change." "Hooo!"" "No, I said that!" "Batman is very wise." "I also have huge pecs." "And a 9 pack." "Yeah I've got an extra ab." "Now, let's start the movie." "[GOTHAM AIRSPACE, 10:25]" "Gotham Tower, this is MacGuffin Airlines, Flight 1138." "We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17000 pounds of C4," "About 150 cute little plastic bomb type bombs, and 2 best friends!" "And request permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world, over." "I'm just looking at all the guys faces here in the control tower." " I'm good." " Sounds good to me" " Let's do it!" "Yep, I think we're cool with that." "Gentlemen, breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1." " What was that?" " One of us should check it out." " Okay." " Scissors paper rock..." " Scissors." " Paper." " You always do paper!" " I'm a loser at home, and a loser at work." "Holy cow!" "Captain Dale, is everything okay?" "I'm afraid Captain Dale had to bail." "I'm your new co-pilot, and I always come to work with a smile." " You should be terrified." " Why?" "Because I will be taking over the city." " What?" " Batman will stop you." " He always stops you." " No he doesn't!" " What about that time with the 2 boats?" " This is better than the 2 boats." "Well tonight is gonna be different!" "Tonight is my greatest plan yet." "Trust me, Batman's never gonna see it coming." "[GOTHAM CITY ENERGY PLANT]" " Like the time with the parade and the Prince music?" " Hey, quiet!" " Night, Steve." " Take it easy, Jeff." "Man I really like that guy." "I sure hope nothing bad happens to him." "♪ Nothing bad ever happens to me." "What the-?" "Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminal minds." "Including..." "The Riddler." " Scarecrow." " Pizza delivery!" " Bane." " Hello!" " Two-Face." " We need that door open, baby!" " Catwoman." " (Meow meow) You're in!" "(meow meow)" "I'm jumping out the way!" "And let's not forget, Clayface!" "Pew pew pew!" " Poison Ivy." " Pew pew pew!" " Freeze!" " No, you freeze!" "Mr Freeze." "Penguin." "Crazy Quilt, Eraser." "Polka-Dot Man." "Mime." "Tarantula." "King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth, March Harriot, Zodiac Master," "Gentleman Ghost, Clock King, Calender Man, Kite Man," "Cat Man, Zebra Man, and the Condiment King!" " Okay, are you making some of those up?" " Nope, they're all real." "Probably worth a Google." "[GOTHAM CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT]" " Hey watch it!" " Commissioner Gordon!" " What is it O'Hara?" " We just got a report!" "All the C-grade villains have broken into the energy plant!" " What are we gonna do, Sir?" " The only thing we ever do... flip the switch to the Bat-Signal!" " Flip!" " Commissioner, are you there?" "The Bat-Signal, she's been egged!" "It's Egghead, Sir, I'm well aware of his work." "Dear gosh, you destroyed the Bat-Signal!" "You have thought of everything!" "Yeah, I know, and when I take over Gotham City..." "OPENING REACTOR CORE DOORS" "Batman will grovel at the feet of his greatest enemy." "Me." "The Joker!" " Joker, do you read me?" " 10-4, girl buddy." " We're ready for you, sugar plum." " Well then, let's raise the roof!" "Fire in the hole!" " O'Hara, have you tried the Bat-Phone?" " Yes, but all I'm getting is this hold music!" "I love it." " I want snipers trained on that building." " You bet!" " I want water and air support yesterday!" " I'm on it, Sir!" " And I need SWAT here now!" " Phone call for Commissioner Gordan." "Hello, Batman?" "Hey Jimmy, It's The Jokes!" "Nobody calls you that." " No, people do call me that." "Okay listen up!" " Go, go, go!" "At this very moment, an unnecessarily complicated bomb is being attached to the inside of the main energy core, if the Mayor isn't here in 5 minutes to negotiate the city's surrender, then I shall destroy Gotham City." "I did something!" "Doctor, that sounds frightening." "And overly complicated." "Talk us through it." "Well, I don't wanna scare any small children who may be listening but it's a little-known fact that Gotham City is built on a bunch of flimsy plates stuck together." "There's literally nothing beneath us, except an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear." "If Joker's bomb were to go off, these plates would break apart, plunging every Gotham citizen into the eternal abyss forever." "And you wouldn't want that now, would you?" "Now get me the Mayor!" "Joker out." "Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this!" " Jim, did you find Batman?" " No Ma'am." "Then we have no choice." "The Joker has the upper hand." "We have to surrender Gotham City." " Oh no." " I'm sorry!" "Flying Mayor package in right now." "SWAT team get your stun guns ready." " Non-lethal!" " Yeah!" "Lowering Mayor package through the hole." " Madam Mayor, thanks for dropping by!" " I've only got one thing to say to you, Joker." " Well, you'd better make it fast." " Do you like to gamble?" " Oh, I certainly do." " Do you ever play roulette?" "On occasion." " Let me give you a word of advice." " I'm all ears." " When playing roulette..." " Yes?" "Always bet on black." "Batman!" "?" "What are you doing?" "You're completely outnumbered here, are you nuts!" "?" "You wanna get nuts?" "Come on!" "Let's get nuts." "Because I just wrote a song about how I'm gonna kick all your butts." "Stop him before he starts singing!" "[♪ WHO'S THE (BAT)MAN]" "♪ In the darkest night (huh!" ")" "♪ I make the bad guys fall (huh!" ")" "♪ There's a million heroes" " Computer, overcompensate!" "♪ BUT I'M THE BEST OF THEM ALL!" " I'm on my way, Sir." "♪ Who has the coolest gadgets?" "♪ BATMAN!" "♪ Who has the tricked-out ride?" "♪ BATMAN!" "♪ Who does the sickest backflips?" "♪ BATMAN!" "♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na ♪ BATMAN!" "♪ You think my muscles are big?" " Thank you!" "♪ You haven't seen my brain" "♪ Ladies, it's okay if you stare" "♪ CAUSE I'M A BILLIONAIRE!" "Get it together guys, you're making me look bad in front of Batman!" "'Puter, where's the bomb?" "The bomb is located at the base of the energy core." "♪ I get the last laugh ♪ I get the final grin" "♪ Throw you into the asylum ♪ with Harley Quinn" "♪ Turn Two-Face ♪ to black-and-blue face" "♪ I'm 100% not ♪ Bruce Wayne!" "Kiss me Batman." "♪ Who's the manliest man?" "♪ BATMAN!" "♪ With the buns of steel?" "♪ BATMAN!" "♪ Who could choke hold a bear?" "♪ BATMAN!" "♪ Who never skips leg day?" "♪ BATMAN!" "♪ Who always pays their taxes?" " NOT BATMAN!" "How is he beating all of you again!" "?" "Because..." "I'm Batman!" " It's gonna blow!" " I'm Batman!" "♪ I'm Batman!" "Hi Batman, so weird to keep running into you!" "Looks like your plan failed." "It's only a matter of time before I take over Gotham City!" "Pew, pew, pew!" "When does that ever happen?" "Computer?" "Calculating..." "Never." "You know why?" "Because I'm always one step ahead of you." "And I always get away!" "Not this time." "Because this time..." " I've got you." " Oh, yeah?" "Well there's only one problem." "Who's gonna defuse the bomb?" "It's gotta be one or the other, Batman." "Save the city or catch your greatest enemy." " You can't do both." " I'm sorry, What'd you just say?" " You can't do both." " No, I mean the other thing." "Save the city or catch your greatest enemy?" " You think you're my greatest enemy?" " Yes, you're obsessed with me!" " No I'm not." " Yes you are." " No I'm not." " YES YOU ARE!" "Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do?" " Bane." " No he doesn't!" " Superman!" " Superman's not a bad guy!" "Then I'd say that I don't currently have a bad guy." "I am fighting a few different people." " What?" " I like to fight around." "Okay look, I'm fine with you fighting other people, if you wanna do that, but what we have is special." " So when people ask you "who's your #1 bad guy", you say..." " Superman." "Are you seriously saying that there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?" "Woah." "Let me tell you something, J-Bird." "Batman doesn't do 'ships'." " What?" " As in relation-ships." "There is no us." "Batman and Joker are not a thing." "I don't need you." "I don't need anyone." "You mean nothing to me." "No-one does." "Hooray!" "[♪ FOREVER]" " Batman!" " Batman we love you!" "Thank you, I'm blushing super-hard under the mask!" "Grazie Batman!" " Prego." " You're the best Batman!" " Oh I'm humbled." " Thanks Batman!" " Super modest about it, thank you." " Batman, you're the greatest!" "pray hands, pray hands." " Thanks for saving the city!" " You're welcome!" " Batman I love you more than my kids!" " So do I, guy!" "You're my hero, Batman!" "I love my life." " Computer." " Go ahead." " Are we near the orphanage?" " Yes." "Great." "Let's turn those frowns upside down." "Sounds like the Batmobile!" "No way!" "Hey orphans, look who's here!" "Hey kids!" "Who wants a shot from the merch gun?" " Great." "KABOOM!" " A lunchbox!" " KABOOM!" " A sippy cup!" " KABOOM!" " A Batarang!" "The rest of you get Bat Bucks!" "KABOOM!" "Remember kids, if you want to be like Batman, take care of your abs." " Batman out." " Batman!" "Batman!" "Batman!" "Thanks Batman, you're my hero." "[WAYNE MANOR, WAYNE ISLAND]" " What is the password?" " Iron Man sucks!" "Thank you." "It must be great to be Batman." "I can only imagine he's going home right now, to party the night away surrounded by scores of friends and lady tennis players." "Hey Computer." "I'm home." "Welcome home, Sir." "Initializing Batcave operating system." "Hey 'Puter." "What's up, Batman." " Put this bomb in the museum." " Certainly, Sir." " Thank you." " No worries." "Anything exciting happen when I was gone?" " You have 4 pieces of mail." " Great, what'd I get?" "You have this weeks PennySaver, 2 bills, and a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond." "It expires in 2 weeks, but I've heard that some stores will honor them past the expiry date." " Copy that." " Also, Alfred is on the 17th floor grouting tiles in the 2nd bathroom of the 5th master bedroom." "Do you want me to tell Alfred you're home?" "No that's cool Computer." "Thanks for the update." "I should probably have some dinner." "Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge." "Oh that's my favorite!" "I can't wait." "[NO SIGNAL] [DEVICE NOT DETECTED]" "You... complete me." "You had me at 'hello'." "Love it." "Hey, Mom." "Hey, Dad." "I, uh..." "I saved the city again today." "I wish you could've seen me." "I think you would have been really proud." "There you are." "Oh, Alfred, I am so sorry!" "I have incredible reflexes." "No it's my fault Sir, I should have known better than to sneak up on you like that." "I was lost in thought, and as you know, when I'm in there I'm in deep." "Were you looking at the old family pictures again?" "The what?" "The old family..." "Oh yes, I see what you mean." "Look at that!" "The old gang." "Yeah." "No I wasn't!" "I see." "Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned." "I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997, and 1995, and 1992, and 1989, and that weird one in 1966." "Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?" "I don't talk about feelings Alfred, I don't have any, I've never seen one," "I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante and a heavy metal rapping machine." "I don't feel anything emotionally except rage." "24/7, 365, at a million percent." "And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy." " Good night, Alfred." " Sir, it's morning." "Hiss, ahh!" "Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively and literally." "Yeah, love it." "You can't spend the rest of your life alone, dressed in black, listening to angry music and staying up all night." "Yes, I can, because I'm Batman." "But don't you think it's time you finally faced your greatest fear?" " Snakes?" " No." " Clowns?" " No." " Snake-Clowns?" " Bruce, listen." "Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again." "No, now it's Snake-Clowns, because you put that idea in my head." " Sir" " Time for pushups!" "1, 2..." " We're going to 1000." " I'm afraid that's not possible, Sir." "It is possible." "I'm already at 20." "You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party." " What?" "No!" "I don't wanna do that!" " You're going to have a great time." " No, no, no." " You might meet some new people." " No, no, no." " Even make some new friends." "No, no, no..." "NO!" "And before you go, we can do your favorite thing." "Tuxedo dress-up party." "[♪ GIRLS KNOW HOW]" " Sir, aren't you forgetting something?" " Nope." " Your cowl." " My what now?" "Your armored face disguise." "Fine." " Happy now?" " Indubitably." "Good." "Must be nice to be happy." "Tonight on Metropolis In Focus, we have our favorite star." " Superman!" " What up, Gotham?" "Superman, tell me how you feel about your recent banishment of Zod to the Phantom Zone?" "Yeah, look, it's complicated." "Zod and I have had some pretty epic battles, you know, over the years," "I don't believe I would be Superman without fighting Zod." "See?" "Superman gets it." "Why can't Batman?" " Check it out guys, I built a CD rack." " Tada!" "How am I supposed to get Batman's respect when I'm working with these human farts?" "Boo boo, look at me." "You're too good for Batman." "He needs to open his eyes, and see what it feels like when you're not around, okay?" "I couldn't put Zod in a regular prison, right?" "He's Zod!" "Come on!" "No, he needed to go some place where he could never harm Metropolis ever again." "The Phantom Zone." "Ah yes, the notorious space jail that houses the greatest supervillains of all time." " They got the sickest baddies up there!" "This guy:" " RAAH!" " And her..." " I'll get you, my pretty." " To say nothing about him." " Wingardium Leviosa!" " And these guys!" " EXTERMINATE!" "I'm starting to get an idea, monkey face." "Hey folks look alive, here we go, I'm gonna give you 3 poses, you ready?" "Kissy face." "Oops, I did it again." "And the Bad Boy, whatcha gonna do?" "I'm outta here." "[COMMISSIONER JIM GORDAN RETIREMENT WINTER GALA]" " ♪ I'm starting with the man in the mirror" " Any advice for the new Commissioner?" "As long as he knows how to push the button on the Bat-Signal, he'll be fine." " Bruce, I don't know how you did it..." " You can't prove it, you didn't do it." " Mr Wayne, great to see you, come join us!" " Mr. Prime Minister!" " Woah!" " ♪ Na na naa..." "Bruce Wayne!" " He's the greatest orphan of all time!" " ♪ Shamone!" "Shamone!" " Nice to meet you Mr Ambassador." " Mr Wayne!" " You want a picture?" " That'd be swell!" "Here we go, funny face!" " Boom, keep it." " Woah, thanks Mr Wayne!" " Call me Bruce, champ." " I'm just so jazzed to meet you Sir." " I'm sorry, did you say 'jazzed'?" " Yeah!" "My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick." " Well children can be cruel." " Great to see ya, Bruce!" " Nice to see you Sir." " I've got a question for you Sir." "Okay, hit me with it." "Do you have any advice on how to get adopted?" " Oh, yeah." " Oh you do?" " Mr. Wayne, can I get an autograph?" " Sure." " For example is teeth whitener a good idea?" " Yes." "Here you go, pal." " Thanks." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." " Looking good, Bruce." " Thank you so much." " What about eyeliner or foreign language?" " Try both." " Look!" "It's the new Commissioner!" " Where?" " Here she is, everyone." " Oh my God." "[♪ I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT]" "Should I get experimental surgery to make my eyes larger and more vulnerable looking?" "Uhh, do that." "Um, Mr. Wayne." "Are you currently in the market to adopt a child?" " Yeah." " Really?" " Oh yeah." "Well!" "Are you looking for more of a base model orphan or one that has more upgraded features?" " Cooking, driftwood art, gymnastic abilities?" " Yep." "Yep." "Yep." " Closeup street magic ala David Blaine?" " All of it, sounds great." "Really?" "Because all of it sounds like me." "Mr. Wayne." "Do you think you'd be interested in adopting me as your future orphan son?" " Definately." " Oh, this is great!" "All I want is to get adopted." "So I can finally stop being alone." "We're gathered here tonight to mark the retirement of Jim Gordon." " Goodbye." " And we wish him well on his South African jungle safari!" " Thank you." "Now, to introduce you to his exciting new replacement." "Everyone meet your new Commissioner." "[♪ I AM INVINCIBLE]" "She's Barbara Gordon!" " The new Commissioner of Gotham City." " Wow." "She was top of her class at Harvard For Police." "She cleaned up the streets of Gotham's nearby sister city, Bludhaven." "Using statistics!" "And compassion!" "And now she's bringing her new ideas, and her gun sharps, to Gotham City." " Congratulations, darling." " Thanks, Dad." " Here she is, everyone." " Thank you, thanks." " Hooray." " Miss, over here." "Wow, thank you, for the oversized key to Arkham Asylum." "And, what's this?" "Thank you for the switch to the Bat-Signal." "Nice." "Dad, you've always done a great job protecting Gotham City." " Flip!" "That's me." " Thank you." " Along with Batman, of course." " Woo!" "Let's hear it for Batman!" " Who I wish was here right now." " Oh, I'm sure he's listening." "I'd like to ask all of you a question." "Are you fed up with crime?" " Uh-huh, tired of it." " Yes, we're sick of it." "Great." "Let's talk real improvements that will end the cycle of crime." "I've got a 4 point pilot program that I'd love to share with you." "I want to hear all 4 points." " It's called..." " I'm ready..." " It takes a village..." " Best opening title ever..." "Not a Batman." "Waiter." "Can I?" "Thank you." " WHAT!" "?" " Look..." "Batman been on the job for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very..." " very long time." " He has aged phenomenally." "However, despite all the great work Batman has done for us," "Gotham City is still the most crime-ridden city in the world." " She's got a great point." " Historically speaking, that is accurate." "He hasn't captured Riddler." "He hasn't captured Bane." "Or Catwoman." "Or Two-Face." " Or any of Gotham's other villains!" " He's not good at his job." " Including the Joker." " She's making a lot of sense!" "Excuse me, I'm so sorry, excuse me." " Yes." " Hi, Bruce Wayne." "Billionaire, galavant, gallivanter, playboy," "Gotham's most eligable bachelor like 90 years in a row." " I know who you are, Mr. Wayne." " You bet you do." "Quick question, what is your problem with Batman?" " And also, what the heck, dude?" " I'm glad you asked, Mr. Wayne." "I'm not a Batman hater." "But we don't need an unsupervised adult man karate chopping poor people in a Halloween costume." "We need to take what's good about Batman, and marry it to actual laws." "And proper ethics." "And accountability." "I hate everything you've just said." "Because my dream is for the police force to team up with Batman." " Waiter." " Wouldn't that be better?" "And I know that together, the world's greatest detective, and Gotham's finest, could clean up these crime-ridden streets." "Forever." " Everybody get down!" " Everybody get down!" "Grand entrance!" "Pew pew pew!" "Everyone, make your way to the exits immediately!" "Team Bane, block the exits!" "Going somewhere?" "Clayface, Freeze, bring me the new Commissioner Gordon." " We're on it!" " Cool!" " And Harley." "You know what to do." " I sure do!" "It's time for Operation Take Out The Laundry." " Alfred 1, this is Bat 1, do you copy?" " Go ahead, Bat 1." " I need my armored face disguise now!" " Only if you say the magic word." " Now!" " No..." " You're fired!" " No..." "Sir, we'll talk about this back at the Batcave." " Computer." " Yes." " Initialize Master Build music." " Right away." "Collatoral damage assessment suggests the Scuttler, Sir." "Good plan." "Madam Mayor, stay close to me." "Head for the south exit." "Now, Ma'am!" " Go, go, go!" " Honey, let Batman take care of it." "Dad, I got this." "Here, quick!" "Scuttler online." " Chief O'Hara, we're coming in hot!" " I'm almost there!" "Woah!" "Chief, get the Mayor to safety!" "Computer, I got the Joker in my sights." "Team, I got the Joker in my sights." " Joker!" " Joker!" " Excuse me?" "I was about to" " Push the Bat-Signal." "Good call!" "I like your instincts!" "I've got a surprise for you guys, and it's gonna make you smile." "Uh oh." "His smile is our grimace!" "Everybody get down!" " I..." " Joker, no!" " Surrender." " What?" " Uh, what did you just say?" " I said, I surrender." "I'm sorry, my bat ears must be malfunctioning because it sou" " I surrender!" " Okay, you know what?" "Cool it." " You're a criminal." "You run and I" " Ah, pap-pap-pap." "Not anymore, Batman." "You were right." "There is no us." "So there's no point in me trying to fight you any more." "Therefore I will be surrendering myself to our strong-willed and forward-thinking new Commissioner." "Blink, blink, blink." "Blinkety-blink." " That's really suspicious." " Yeah it is." "What are you up to, Joker?" "I just want to go to Arkham and pay for all my crimes." "Blink, blink, blink." " Are you actually saying 'blink'?" " No!" "Blink blink" " Joker, that's enough." " Okay, Babs." "I got this." "Not so fast, Batman." "You can't fight me anymore." " I'm off the market." " What are you talking about?" "I'm off the menu." "You won't get to fight any of this anymore." "Man, am I sorry I asked." "Anyway, have fun in jail..." " Batman, what are you doing?" " Punching Bane." " That was unnecessary." " Oh no, you can't fight Bane anymore either." " Really?" " Yeah." "Or Riddler..." " Catwoman." "Condiment King." " Why not?" "Because... we're all surrendering." " Right, guys?" " We are!" "?" "Yes!" "Riddle me this..." "what just happened?" "It's the end of crime!" " Alright!" " Amazing!" " You did it!" " Yeah, of course I did, I'm" "Sorry, not you." "We're talking to Commissioner Gordon." " Well, it was a team effort..." " I got this, Babs." " Commissioner, how do you feel?" " Amazing!" " This is a great first day." " Okay." " Question for Batman." " Shoot." "What are you gonna do with the rest of your life?" "What do you mean 'the rest of my life'?" "We don't need a vigilante crime fighter now that there's no more crime." "Uh, yes you do." "You can spend some quality time with your family." "My...?" "Okay, Batman, we'll take it from here." "All right, listen up." "All of you have the right to remain silent." " Let's roll out!" " Toodle-oo, Batman!" " Bye, Batman!" " Au revoir, Batman." "Bye, Batman!" "♪ [ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER]" "Today is a victory for the citizens of Gotham City!" "No more crime!" "No more crime!" " No more crime!" "No more crime!" " Pew pew pew!" "Pew pew pew!" "No more crime!" "No more crime! Is everything okay, Sir?" "You barely touched your lobster thermidor." "I don't have time to eat lobster thermidor right now." "♪ No is the saddest experience ♪ you'll ever know" "♪ Because one is the loneliest ♪ number that you'll ever do" " Hey, Batman." " BARBARA!" " What are you doing?" " Nothing." "I've a very full life." " No, I mean what are you doing here?" " Surveillance on the Joker." " Batman, we both know... the Joker's up to something." "Well then we can't just let him run around loose." "In a prison." " He's not loose." " We has to go someplace outside the law!" " Outside the law?" " Yeah!" "Somewhere like, uh..." "Hi there, I'm here from Phantom's Own Laundry." "Here to take that bad stuff off your hands." " Wait, that's it:" "The Phantom Zone!" " The Phantom Zone?" "No way, that is super illegal, and way outside our jurisdiction." "So, why don't you and I work together, inside the law, to figure out what he's up to." "Batman works alone." "That's my motto." "Copyright Batman." "Batman, there are no more vigilantes allowed in Gotham City." "Okay, totally got it." "I have to go into double secret, super vigilante mode." "You said that out loud." "I know that she said I said that out loud, but there's no way I did." "She has no idea what's going on in my super-mind." " Super-mind?" " Ah, smoke bomb!" "Computer, how do I put the Joker in the Phantom Zone?" "Quickest route." "No freeways." "'Puter, do you hear me?" "Hello, Master Bruce." "Alfred, there's something wrong with the Bat-Computer." "Watch this." "'Puter?" "Nothing." "'Puter?" "You see what I'm saying?" "There's nothing wrong with it, Sir." "I've just taken away your computer privileges." "[PARENTAL LOCK]" "The parental lock!" "?" "You can't do that." "Oh, I can." "I've been reading "Setting Limits For Your Out Of Control Child"." "You know what?" "Doesn't matter, because I have the double secret super password that unlocks the parental lock." "You mean "Alfrid Da Buttler" with two Ts?" " Sir, it's time for you to stop this unhealthy behavior." " No, it's not." " You need to take responsibility for your life." " Not right now, I don't." "And it starts by raising your son." "I'm sorry, I literally have no idea what you're talking about." "The young orphan you adopted at the gala." "Remember?" "Wow." "Stairs." " He's been living here for the past week." " Hello, table!" "And I must say, I've grown rather fond of the young lad." "Hello, secret camera." "You should get to know him." "You and he have a lot in common." " Hello, family photos." " He lost his parents at a very young age." "I always wanted one of those." "Doesn't he deserve a chance for someone to take him under their wing?" "As I took you under mine?" "Alfred, you've been watching way too many Lifetime movies, and drinking Chardonnay." " It's Pinot Grigot, Sir." " Whatever it is." "Listen, you don't have a family." "You're satisfied serving me." "So what do you know about having a surrogate son?" "Now, I'm gonna go fight crime." "While you put that kid on the next jet to the Orphanage." "Got it?" "As you wish, Sir." "Whoops-a-daisy." " Wait." "What are you doing?" " Dusting." "You can't let him into the Batcave!" "I'm not:" "I'm letting him into your life." "...via the Batcave." "What?" "It's the Batcave!" "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, ooh!" " Batman, woah!" " You're darn right, woah!" "Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?" "No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic." " We can have sleepovers every night!" " No we can't." " Woah look, it's the Bat-Sub!" " Wait, don't touch that." " Over there, it's the Bat-Space-Shuttle!" " Please keep your hands off that." " It's the Bat-Zepplin!" " Don't touch that either!" " The Bat-Train!" " No!" " The Bat-Kayak!" " No!" " It's the Bat-Dune-Buggy!" "No!" " It's the Bat..." "Shark Repellant?" "Uhh, actually you can touch that." "It's completely useless." "Woah, thanks Batman." "Please, stand over there." "And don't touch, look at, or do anything for the remaining moments you have in my presence." " Okay cool." " Computer!" " Go ahead." " How do I put the Joker in Phantom Zone?" "Joker can only be put in the Phantom Zone using the Phantom Zone Projector." "Current location:" "Superman's Fortress of Solitude, inside the atomic cauldron." "However, only a person that isn't shredded, ripped, or extremely swole, can enter the cauldron." " Noo, I'm way too buff!" " You also have beautiful abs, Sir." "That's my cross to bear." "Additionally, once inside the cauldron, multiple Kryptonian defence systems engage." "Including the acid moat, ring of napalm, and the jaws of death." "Chance of total mission failure is 110%." "Those are not great odds." " Wait a minute." "Hey, kid!" " Yes, Sir?" " You're super nimble, right?" " I sure am." " And small." "And quiet." " When I desire to be." " And 110% expendable." " I don't know what that means, but okay." "Great, follow me." "We are gonna steal the Phantom Zone Projector from Superman." " Steal?" " Yeah, we have to right a wrong." "Sometimes in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right." " Gandhi said that." " Are we sure Gandhi said that?" " I'm paraphrasing." " Cool!" "Preparing Fortress of Solitude infiltration gear." "Wow, look at all these." "Do I get a costume for the mission, too?" "I got a feeling you'll just look like a kid on Halloween, don't you think?" "Don't touch that!" " El Mariachi." " That one is culturally insensitive." " Night Terror." " No way." " Death Merchant." " No." " Firestarter." " No!" " Clawed Rains." " No!" " Excali-bat." " No!" " Silent But Deadly." " No!" "Bat-ryshnikov." " How'd we feel about this one?" " Dress-up parties are for grown-ups only." "Wait, what's that one there?" "Oh, that was for the 'Jamaica Caper'." "The locals called me Reggae Man." "I love it!" "Oh, it's like I was poured into this." "My only trouble is, these pants are just a little tight." "Don't know if I can throw a kick or jump in them." "I got an idea." "RIP!" "That's better!" "Now I'm free, now I'm movin'," "Come on Batman let's get groovin'!" "I can only look you in the eyes right now." " Uh, Sir." "What are you doing?" " What do you mean?" "Why is Master Dick dressed like that?" "How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met?" " To the Batmobile!" " Hot diggity dog!" "Vehicle rotisserie engaged." "Retrieving the Speedwagon." "Atomic batteries to power." "Turbines to speed." "Hey, kid." "Let's go." " Ah, shoot." " What?" "I probably shouldn't leave until I get the thumbs up from my new old man, Bruce Wayne." "Uh, yeah." "Well here's the thing..." "Bruno and I decided to share custody of you." "So I get a say... and you're mission approved." "No way!" "Is this really happening?" "Yeah!" "A month ago I had no dads, then I had 1 dad, now I have 2 dads," " and one of them is Batman!" " Yeah!" " It's raining dads!" " So..." "Are you ready to follow Batman and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way?" "I sure am Dad 2!" "But first, where's the seatbelt?" "The first lesson is, life doesn't give you seatbelts!" "Let's go!" "Woohoo!" "Faster, Dad!" "Faster!" " Woo!" " Yeah!" "Oh my goodness, I am so sorry!" "Back up in that seat, there you go." "As soon as I get back to the Batcave, I'll make sure Alfred puts seatbelts on there." "but for the time being, I'm just gonna put my arm right here," "And we're just gonna gently ease out of here." "Here we go." "[FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE]" "Okay, like all super heroes, Superman has zero friends, and he spends most of his time basking in sweet, sweet isolation." "here at his alone palace." "So, I'll keep him busy, while you sneak into that vent and get the projector." "Got it?" " Copy that." "Oh, I could also" " Woah, don't even finish that thought." "See this counter?" "These are all the good ideas Batman has." "And no-one else has even had any good ideas." "So don't even try." "Your superpower is excellent listening and execution of my ideas." " Let's try it out." " Cool!" "Drop to the ground." "Do a back flip." "Do a front flip." "Triple axle." "Plié, Relevé, Jeté." "Pythagorean Theorem." " A squared + B squared = C squared." " Physicalize it!" "A squared + B squared = C squared!" " How'd I do, Dad?" " Mediocre." "And don't call me dad." " Now, begin mission!" " Yes, Papa." "Papa falls into the Dad category." "[♪ SUPERMAN THEME]" " S'up Supes?" " Huh, wow, it's Batman and he's at at my house." "Right now." "What are you doing here?" "Don't worry about it, dog." "I'm not here to throw down or anything." " Uh no, I would crush you." " Okay, sure, sure, sure." "Hey, listen, thank me later, but I just happened to be in the hood... and I figured that you could probably use the..." "Wait a minute, are you having the 57th Annual Justice League Anniversary Party without me?" " No!" " No!" "No, there must have been some mistake with the emails." "That's crazy man." "Email mistakes happen all the time." "Sometimes I don't get Superman's emails for... years!" "Great point GL, great point." "Alright!" "Well that clears up everything, right?" "Enjoy the party, Bro." "Hit it, DJ Wonder Dog." "[♪ PLANET ROCK] Woof!" " Hey, Batman, you wanna take a quick pic?" " Sure, where'd you want me?" " Right there, perfect." "Here's the camera." " Oh." "Okay party people, get together." " Now, everybody say" " Super Friends!" "Let me see." "Classic." "We got everyone!" " Yeah... everyone." " Thanks, Batman!" "Yeah, no problem." "I feel I could burst." "This party is the bomb!" "Look at me!" "More like Martian Dance Hunter, am I right?" " 'Puter, call kid." " Bat-Dad?" "How's it going?" "Cause everything is going great down here." "I can see the target." "There's some kind of laser energy thing that I can't get through." "Okay, I'll see if I can shut it off." "But I'm gonna have to make up an excuse to leave this party without anyone noticing." "Bye." "Kid, tell me when it's off, alright?" " Now?" "Now?" "Now?" " No." "No." "No." "No." "My son, these irreplaceable crystals contain all my knowledge, which I now pass on to" "Darn it, it's gotta be one of these." "Is this the one?" " O-M-Gosh you did it Padre, it's off!" " Okay." "Now you gotta make your way to the atomic cauldron and get that Phantom Zone Projector." " Do exactly as I say." " 10-4." "Okay." "Jump!" "Do a front flip." "Do a back flip." "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Drop!" "That's some excellent listening!" "Shimmy." "Strafe left." "Strafe right." "Avoid!" "Hey I was thinking, if I'm gonna be a super hero and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use codenames?" " Mine can be Robin." " Sorry, say that again?" " Robin!" " As in the small Midwestern frail bird?" " Yeah, and I already have a catchphrase." " Tweet tweet on the street." " Hard pass." " And a song: "Fly Robin Fly..."" " Harder pass." "Now slide!" "Okay, kid." "I'm gonna teach you how to Master Build your way inside that thing." " Yay!" " Grab those 2x6s." "Pull out the axle studs." "Disconnect the 6x10 plates." " like this?" "Woah, unbelievable obeying!" "Now let's ride." "Toes to the nose." "Now you're gleaming the cube!" "Now, get creative." "Freestyle a little bit." "That's good, kid!" "It's like looking in a Bat-Mirror." "Okay." "Leap." " I got the projector, Dad!" " Booyah!" "Now, do everything we just did, backwards." "Oh." " Here you go, Dad." "We did it!" " Yeah!" "Mission accomplished." "That was fun!" "You okay, Batman?" "You seem the opposite of stern." "Yeah I'm fine, it's just..." "watching you, out there..." "It was like the world wasn't all darkness anymore." "For a brief moment I could've sworn I... felt something." "That feeling is pride, Sir." "You're right." "I am super proud." "...of myself." "For being such a good teacher." "Obviously." " Yeah, you're a great teacher." " I am?" "Yeah!" "I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Padre." "Wait, what did you call me?" "I, I called you Padre." "It's..." "Spanish for 'Dad'." "Sorry." "Well isn't it also a cool Spanish way to say 'Buddy'?" "Yeah, could've been saying it that way." "Then I'll allow it." " Oh you're such a great Padre!" " What are you doing?" " Trying to give you a big old hug." " I thought you were attacking me." "Hey, you up for a top secret superhero mission to defeat the Joker?" "Oh, I'm down to stop that clown." "But I don't wanna make my other dad Bruce Wayne angry," " you think we'll be done before my bedtime?" " BEDTIME!" "?" "Batman's life lesson number 2:" "Vigilantes don't have bedtimes." "Yes!" "So what's the vigilante policy on cookies?" "Unlimited." "Alright kid, we need to avoid Commissioner Gordan." "[ARKHAM ASYLUM]" "So, lesson number 3." "When going stealth, you gotta hide every part of you." "Physically, and emotionally." " Got it?" " YEAH!" "Already failed." "What I need you to do is, use the naturally dark areas of your costume and integrate into the dark parts of this environment." "Okay." " Can you see me?" " Yes." " What about now?" " Yes." " What about now?" " Yes." " Now?" " Yes." "You're a goner, kid." " Batman!" " BARBARA!" "[♪ I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT]" " Batman?" "Batman?" " Hey there, look at you!" " Who's this?" " Hi, police lady!" " Is that your son?" " Yes, I am!" " No, that's just weird." " It's weirder if it's not your son." "Right." "No, I'm not in a relationship or anything." "I could have a kid." "I mean, if I met the right lady." "And... she was just standing right in front of me... and we looked at each other, and thought, hey, let's do this." "Let's be together." " Batman..." " Yes?" "I hope you're back because you decided to work together" " on the Joker case?" " Uhh..." "Yeah, absolutely!" "Great!" "Ooh, Arkham Asylum." "So before we question the Joker, I'm gonna need you to hand over all your weapons." "I mean, I don't know if I have anything..." " Oh, I just got a couple here." " Is that it?" " Oh, of course." " What about the utility belt?" "There we go." "Uh, this is really uncomfortable." "Sorry, my shoes are part of my pants." "Oops..." " Batman..." " Yes?" "Why is your not son trying to smuggle the Phantom Zone Projector into Arkham?" "What?" "Hey, kid, what is this?" " Batman, give me the Phantom Zone Projector." " No." " Batman, give me the" " No." "No, no, no... whoa, nice." "I studied Brazilian Jujitsu at Harvard for Police!" "Oh yeah, well guess who got a PhD in smoke bombs?" " Dr. Batman!" " Guards, get them!" " Freeze, Batman!" " Hey, kid, this is a training exercise." "These guys are my bros." " Go ahead and take a couple of them out." " Cool! Code Red." "I need total security lockdown, now!" "What's up, Joker?" " Namaste, Batman." " Namaste." " Gross." " Ooh, briefs man." "Me too." " Cut the baloney." "Kid, guard the door, will ya!" " On it!" "Take that!" "Looks like you're going to a lot of trouble for little old me." "I must be your greatest enemy after all." "Right, Batman?" " I see what you're trying to do." " And what is that?" "You're trying to entrap me into a relationship." " Really?" " Yeah, and it's not gonna work." "Oh yes it is." "Because I'm inside your head." " No you're not." " No you're not." "I knew you'd say that." " No you didn't!" " No you didn't!" "And I knew you'd say that!" "See?" "We aren't so different, I and you." " It's you and I!" " It's you and I!" " Admit it..." "I'm your greatest enemy." " You're not my greatest enemy, Joker." " Okay, then send me to the Phantom Zone." " Fine, I will." "And prove I'm your greatest enemy." "Batman, don't do this!" "As long as you're in the Phantom Zone, I'll be saving Gotham City." "And that's all that matters to me." " Goodbye, Joker." " Oh Batman, thank you!" "Yes!" "That's what I call saving the city again!" "Batman, what are you doing!" "?" "I'm Batman...ing." "♪ I'm Batman." "I'm awesome." "♪ I got a 9 pack]" " Stop it!" " Batman, I can't believe you did this." " Hi police lady." "And even worse, you've made this kid into an accessory to your crime." "Sorry kid." "That's okay Ma'am, as long as I'm doing the dime in the big house with my old man, eveything's gonna be a-okay." "Officers, take this projector to the evidence room." " And get this man some pants!" " I'm good the way I am." "P-Co, why has nobody fist-bumped me yet?" "You know..." "When I was a kid, I wanted to be you, Batman." "I wanted to be as strong and as fast and as smart as Batman." "But you're not who I thought you were." "Whaddya mean?" "You can't be a hero if you only care about yourself." "Barbara..." "I..." "I think you're underestimating the importance of the Joker being in the Phantom Zone." "Really, kind of a stroke of genius..." "Hey, where you going?" "I just put Joker in the one place he can't do anyone any harm." "Yeah." "But what if you just gave Joker exactly what he wanted?" "[♪ THE PHANTOM ZONE]" "Woah!" "Look at this place!" "Am I being too loud?" " HI!" " OH MY GOSH!" " Sorry, I always do that!" " How about a warning next time?" " You're so right and I am so wrong." "Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy!" " Yeah, bad guy." " My name is Phillis!" " Oh, that was my grandma's name." " Now hold still while I scan you." "Scanning for badness." "Trying to assess whether you are bad." "Uh, your whole thing screams bad guy." "Oh yes..." "I'm really a bad person." "But with vulnerabilities." "Who me?" "No way... so where do you keep all the other bad people in this place?" "They're standing right behind you." "Hi there guys, lovely to meet you all." "I'm the- oh, fist-bump." "Doesn't matter, I'm the Joker." " Take a look at the new guy." " Guess they'll just let anybody in here." "Oh, no, no..." "I'm very bad too, they just showed a video montage" " Boring!" " What?" " You're boring." " He looks delicious!" " Huh?" " Let's eat this guy!" "Stop with the violence for just a second!" "What if I told you I could get you out of here?" " I'm sorry, what'd you just say?" " That's right!" "I'm so bad I got myself thrown into this heck-hole on purpose!" " I'm listening." " Count me interested!" "Look, everyone here knows what it's like to be hurt by a hero, don't they?" " We've all been taken for granted, right?" " Yeah!" " I'm relating!" "That's why I came to this space prison." " To recruit the universe's greatest" " We'll do it." "I'm sorry?" "You were going to say something about recruiting the universe's greatest villains to conquer a super hero." " Am I right?" " Uh, yeah." " Well we're in." " Yay!" "Really, because I brought a PowerPoint pres" " Still boring!" " Yeah, just get on with it!" " Do you want us to humiliate him?" " I certainly do, yes!" "You want us to make him grovel at your feet?" "I would like to see that very much!" " You want us to smite him?" " Yeah!" "Do you want us to make the rivers of Gotham City run red with his blood?" " Oh, that's" " Oh, no blood... how do you feel about lava?" " Yes, lava." " Done." " Yay!" " I can't wait to crush buildings" " Excuse me, hello... over here." "I don't wanna be a downer, but how exactly are we gonna get out of this place?" "Oh, leave that to me." "I don't wanna jinx us, but I'll be a lot happier when this Phantom Zone Projector is locked up tight." " Going up, Ma'am?" " No you're going down." "I guess you're right, I am going up." "Ding!" "Here comes the..." "PHANTOM ZONE!" " I'm gonna go start looting." " Hello Gotham City!" "The clown prince of crime is back." "Commissioner Gordon, you've got to take a look at this!" " What's that?" " A monkey and dog are friends!" " Not that." "That." " The time has come to finally take over the city." "But in order to do that, I need to break my friends out of a giant, scary prison." " Hey guys, he means us!" " Yay!" "And I ain't talking about those rogue losers dressed in cosplay!" " Aww!" " Me-ouch!" "I'm talking about my new peeps!" "They're just like me." "The greatest villains you'll ever see." " You wanna meet 'em?" " No." "Too bad." "He's evil, he's magic, and it's about to get tragic." " It's Voldemort!" " Magic!" "You are a fish!" "You are a frog!" "You are a fish-frog!" "He's a 9000 year old incarnation of evil with an eye for jewellery." " Give it up for Sauron!" " Good afternoon, Gotham City." "He likes long, violent walks on historic buildings, it's King Kong!" "Come at me, Gotham!" "Commissioner Gordon, these monsters, they're too powerful!" "Can you contain them to Downtown?" "That's gonna be impossible!" "Half the police force are fish!" "Sergeant Jackson, stop flopping around!" "And rounding out the Evil All-Stars, Wicked Witch, Medusa," " And British robots." " EXTERMINATE!" "Ask your nerd friends." "Hello?" "Bad guys..." "Ha haa... what a crew, huh?" "And they all work for me!" "Who's the greatest villain of them all now, Batman?" "Still not you." "Actually this does look pretty terrifying, Bat-Dad." "Nice destruction all around." "Watch your step." "Good work guys!" "Now all that's left for me is to rub it in Batman's Bat-Face." "Hey Sauron!" "Doesn't your flaming eye have a unique ability to peer through time and space?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I need to find Batman, where's home boy's man cave?" "Gimme a second." "Scanning..." "It's beneath Wayne Manor." "Whoa, hold on a sec." "Are you trying to tell me that Bruce Wayne is Batman 's roommate?" "Uh... yeah." "Evil Army, this way to the Batcave!" "Good grief!" "Hey, Batman." "Joker's home!" "I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff." "Gonna have to rename this the Butt-Mobile." "Hey Evil Army, I need Batman brought here." "Now GO GET HIM!" "Joker out!" " Uh..." "Padre?" " Yeah?" "Do you ever get scared?" "No!" "Yeah, that's what I figured." "Because you're Batman." "Hey, kid..." " you know who does get scared?" " Who?" "Bruce Wayne." " Really?" " Yeah." "Bruno told me once, that sometimes the only way to get out of a down moment is to start boxing." "And by boxing, he meant beat-boxing." "Na na na na na na na na..." "Feel it, uh-huh." "Dick Grayson on the mic, go!" " Oh my gosh, this does make me feel better." " Okay, Batman solo." "Bat, Bat, can I get a Bat, Bat, can I get a" "The Bat-Fax!" "The city needs me!" "Bang bang bang!" "Excuse me!" "Can you get the Commissioner and show her this!" " Batman." " Would you stop doing that!" "?" "I sent the Bat-Fax." "I hate to say this, but..." "you're right." "The city needs you." "Yes!" "Let me out." "I'm only gonna let you out on one condition." " Name it." " You can't do it by yourself." "Fine." "Who am I working with?" "Seal Team 6?" "Fox Force 5?" "Suicide Squad?" "No." "Me." "Oh I wanna help too." "And I shall join as well." " Alfred Pennyworth at your service." " Alfred, you gotta let me outta here." "Sir, those creatures out there are unlike anything we've ever seen." "Speak for yourself." "You don't know everything I've seen, I haven't told you everything." "And you'll never be able to defeat them alone." "And it'll be more fun if we all do it together." "What's the worst thing that could happen?" "What are you so afraid of?" "The thing I'm most afraid of?" "I've gotta be honest with you, it's Snake-Clowns." "Yeah, that's not a thing." "Well then, nothing." "I'm not afraid of anything!" "Okay." "Prove it." " Oh I will." "Good." "You know what the B-A-T in Batman stands for?" " Not really." " Best At Teamwork." "Best At Teamwork Man is my full name." " Yay, we're going on a family trip!" " This is not a family trip." "I can wear my costume too!" "Well luckily for us, you left your costume back at the" " RIP!" " Nope, under your clothes." "That's perfect." " RIP!" " Alfred, what are you doing?" " I miss the 60s." "Hey, can Scarecrow help?" "Permit us to lend you assistance!" "Why don't we use these guys?" "What am I gonna do, get a bunch of criminals together to fight the criminals?" "That's a stupid idea." "Okay guys, game plan." " Joker's taken the projector to" " Wayne Manor." "Right." "Thanks, Batman." " We need that" " Projector." " Or there's no way to blast these" " Monsters" " Back to the" " Phantom Zone." "Yep." " Batman, I really don't need you to finish my" " Sandcastles." " Sister's homework?" " No." " Succulent... something." " No." " Um, everybody?" " Batman is in Arkham Asylum." "Hey, everybody grab on to me!" "We've gotta take cover!" " Joker has eyes on us." " Where?" "No, I mean he literally has a giant eye on us." "I think that thing can see our every move." "We've got to destroy it, or we'll never make it to Wayne Manor." "Uh, Batman, I really think you should see this." "Building survey!" "This building's not up to code!" "Gotcha." "Is that real lava?" "I'm okay!" "Oh yeah, 100% lava." " Everyone start throwing me bricks!" " Right away, Sir." "Yes." "We did it." "Pretty cool, huh?" " Batman?" " Yeah?" "Why'd you build this thing with only one seat?" "Because last I checked I only had one butt." "What the" "[WAYNE MANOR, WAYNE ISLAND] What have you done to Wayne Manor?" "[JOKER MANOR, JOKER ISLAND] Hey, Batman..." "Guess what?" " I found out one of your secrets." " Uh-Oh." "What do we have here, Batman?" "Looks like a bunch of relationship comedies." " What's that?" " Must Love Dogs." "Must love crying!" " Marley and Me." " I love the ending." "Oh!" "Serendipity!" "We have Serendipity?" "I love that movie." "For a loner Batman, you sure like movies about relationships..." "Oh, and look what else I found." "All your wonderful toys!" "Accio lightning storm!" "Everyone hold on!" "Gremlins, dismantle that plane." "Now." "Ugly monsters on our 3." " Uh, Padre?" " Not now, kid." "Kinda got my hands full." "I've got good tone." "Firing!" " Uh, Batman?" " What's up, buddy?" " Are we nearly at Wayne Manor?" " Why?" "Your number 2 needs to go number 1." "I thought I told you to go back in the prison." " I tried but Bane was in there." " So?" "He had this sort of 'get out of this bathroom now' vibe." "I knew I shouldn't have given you that water." "Can you hold it in like a big boy?" " Engine 1's out." " Not a big deal, it's fine." " Engine 2 down." " It does that sometimes." " We've lost engine 3." " Could live without it." "Engine 4..." "That I do need to fix." "Good news, our bathroom problem is solved." "You 3 wait here while I go fix the engine." "Don't worry Batman:" "You fix the Batwing, I'll fly." "All good, Babs, I got my auto-pilot." "Done." "Auto-pilot?" "That's a rope!" " Exactly." "Alright guys, until I get back, rope's in charge." "Thanks, rope." "Come on Master Dick, we need to help him." " I'm with you Grandpa!" "Get off my Padre!" " Unhand him you animatronic fiends!" "What are you 2 doing here?" "I told you to stay in the cockpit!" "You disobeyed me." "You're on a time-out." " Batman, you're on a time-out!" " What!" "?" "Alfred, you'd better un-time-out me right now." "No!" "Not until you un-time-out Master Dick!" "Guys!" "You're all un-time-outed!" " We have incoming!" " Sir, watch out for those" "Okay, everybody time-out off." " Woohoo!" "I've been parented!" " Batman, I can help you!" " No, protect the rope!" " The rope is fine." "Save Master Dick!" "I'm fine, I'll just do one of my gymnastic moves" "No!" "Gotcha!" "Hold on, Alfred." "I'm almost there." "No!" "Alfred!" "No." "No!" "Move over, rope!" "Hold on!" "Gotcha!" "Barbara, you see that?" "Bat-Rope saved Alfred!" "Sick moves, bro." "I never doubted you, bro." " Actually Sir, Miss Gordon saved him." " Rope, you lied to me!" "Wait a minute, you mean, without you, Alfred would have been street meat?" "Batman... trust us." "We can do this." "Yeah." "I know gymkata!" "Sorry, what's that?" "It's a gymnastics-based martial art." "I could punch those 80s monsters off the plane." "Uh, okay." "Multiple bogies on our 6." "Sir, I'll get them off our back:" "I was a tail gunner for the Royal Air Force." "Locked and loaded, Sir." "Good, love that." "I got an idea." "Prepare to change course." "I want you to fly straight into that flaming eyeball." " What?" " Barbara... trust me." "Alright." "Let's do this." " Giant sea monster at 12 o'clock." " Got it." " We've got his attention!" " He's tracking us." "Ha ha ha!" "Got you now!" "Eat dirt!" "Bomb zero bogies, ruddy duck cobblers!" "Okay babs, this is it, fly straight into that eye and wait for my signal." "Can it come now?" " Can we make the signal thing happen?" " Almost there!" "Almost there!" " Fire!" " Almost there!" "That fire's coming in hot..." "hot hot hot..." "DIVE BOMB!" "My eye!" "[NO SIGNAL] SAURON!" "Nothing to see..." " Whoo, we did it!" " That was so rad!" "Come on, let's hear it for us." "That was incredible!" " I felt so jazzed!" " I say jazzed!" "I've gotta give it to you, Batman." "That was awesome." " And you were awesome, you were awesome," " Thanks." " I love compliments." "And I was amazing, but I'm not trying to make it about myself, obviously," "I just want to make sure that everyone gets a pat on the back." " It feels good." " It does feel good!" "You had a good idea, and you had a good idea, and you had a good idea, and I had a great idea and I just," "I think that collectively, I'm gonna add... 1." "No way!" " Man, that feels good!" " Best team ever!" "Let's take a photo!" "Alright, everyone squeeze together..." "Hang on a second." "Gettin' my pump on." " It's worth it!" " Okay, everybody in?" " These abs are no fluke." " Everyone say 'Bat Family'!" " Bat Family!" " Bat Familyyyyy...." " Look at that." " Splendid." "Wow." "Didn't it turn out great?" "Hey guys, it's my first family photo!" "Hey, Bat Dad." " What are you doing?" " I'm tryna give you a big old H-U-G." "Okay, just..." "Batman, are you okay?" "No, yeah, I'm fine." "We are just one big happy... fraternity of people, who did an awesome job together." " I can't think of any other way to put that." " Cool." "So, guys, listen up..." "Taking the projector from the Joker is gonna be our most dangerous mission yet." " A family battle mission!" " Right." "Salvage what you can out of the Scuttler, maybe root around, see if you can find a few vitamin waters or something," " then we'll head out." " Okay." " Anything for you, Padre." " We'll need snow shoes..." " I don't think so, but could you grab that" " Padre?" " Batman?" " Sir?" " What are you doing?" "Batman, please, wait!" "'Puter." " Yes Sir." " I'm locking in some coordinates now." "Take the Scuttler to the taco stand on the border of Gotham City and Bludhaven." "No!" "I want you to get these guys a couple of Chimichangas and 3 Jarritos." "Sir!" "And then keep them there until this whole attack on Gotham City blows over." " Padre, please!" "Don't do this." " Batman, you need us!" "How many times I gotta tell you?" "Batman works alone." "No, we have to stick together." "Please." "Go on, Scuttler, go!" " Go!" "Just get out of here!" " Batman!" " Get moving!" " Please!" " Just go." " Batman!" " Scuttler, move out!" " You're doing the wrong thing!" "Listen to me, don't do this!" "Nooo!" " Scanning for intruders..." " Scanning for intruders..." "Hi Bats." "What have you done to my..." "to Bruce Wayne's house?" "You'd better hope he's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy." " What happened to all your friends?" " I don't need friends." "I don't need anyone to stop you." "Are you sure about that?" "Look in the mirror Batman." "When I saw you working with your friend family," "I actually thought you'd changed." "But no." "You pushed them away." "You've run away from every other person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing." " Is this about that stupid 'greatest enemy' thing?" " No, it's not." " Not anymore." " You tell him, Joker." " Time for a fresh start." " HE'S NOT WORTH IT." " I think after 78 years, I deserve respect." " That is right, respect!" "Do you realize that you have never once said the words," " 'I hate you Joker'?" " Not once." "Well I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now." "That's for darn sure." "I know it, we said the same thing!" "Listen, Batman." "I... hate you." " Aww!" " That's nice!" "Now you say it." "Me too." "You won't." "You won't change." "Cause you can't." "You won't, and you can't." "Batman will never change!" "You know uncle boo?" "Just shut it down." " These diseased lunatics are right." " Yes, we are." " I'm not gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!" " Yes!" " What are you talking about?" " You and I are done." " What is wrong with you?" " I'm moving on!" " That's ridiculous." " And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!" " No, you're not serious!" " Wingardium Leviosa!" "You know what, for once Batman you're right." "I'm not your greatest enemy." "Your greatest enemy is you." " Goodbye, Batman." " Wait a minute, hold on a second!" " Good for you, boo boo!" " Yay!" "Everything get a bomb, let's go." "Bomb, bomb, bomb, let's bomb it out." "Say goodbye Gotham City!" "[♪ THE PHANTOM ZONE]" " HI!" " Oh, I am so sorry!" "It's my fault, I keep doing that." "Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy." "What are you talking about?" "I'm not a bad guy." "But you're all in black, you have a cape, and you wear a big scary mask." " Well I'm not." " And you kicked me in the face!" " Listen, I'm Batman." " Oof, you even sound like a bad guy." " I swear, I'm a good guy." " Okay, Mr Batman, hold still while I scan you." "Scanning for badness..." " You're super nimble, right?" " I sure am!" " And 110% expendable." " I don't know what that means, but okay." " How'd I do, Dad?" " Mediocre." "And don't call me dad." "Sorry." "Alfred, put that kid on the next jet to the orphanage." "But doesn't he deserve a chance for someone to take him under their wing?" "As I took you under mine?" "Listen, you don't have a family, so what do you know about having a surrogate son?" "Batman, we have to stick together." "Please." "Joker, you mean nothing to me." "No one does." "You're not a traditional bad guy, but you're not exactly a good guy either." "You even abandon your friends." " What?" " Go on Scuttler, go!" " Batman, don't do this." " No, I was trying to protect them!" " By pushing them away?" "Well, yeah." "Are they really the ones you're protecting?" "Computer, Batman's in danger." "Please Computer, take us back." "Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?" "Batman programmed me to obey him." "but he didn't say to not not rescue him." "What are they doing?" "Come on guys, hustle, Gotham City's not going to blow itself up!" "Well, hello." "'Puter, go to super secret stealth mode." " Hold on!" " No!" "Evil buddies, those are my last 3 painful reminders of Batman." "Run!" "Come on Alfred, this way!" " Wait, where's Dick?" " The little guy?" "He's over there." " What's he doing?" " Gotta save my family." "Just think, what would Batman do?" " What?" " I know, not listen to anyone else, be mean to people, destroy as much property as possible, talk in a really low gravelly voice, and go it alone." "Kid, don't do that!" "Atomic batteries to power." "Turbines to speed." "Don't do what I would do!" "I never even taught you how to drive!" "Hold on a second, brick lady." "I'm so sorry, I need to get down there and stop this." "I can't let you go, my boss will be really mad at me." "Yeah, but I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here." " Hmm, she sure would." " Then let me try, let me get down there and help them." "But haven't you tried that before?" "This way Alfred." "You do the same thing over and over." "What's gonna change?" "I know what I need to do." "Just give me 24 hours and I'll come back." "You've gotta let me go down there and save them." "I'll do whatever you want." " Please." " EXTERMINATE." "Please." " Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here." " I promise." "And I mean all of them." "One of these buttons has to save my friends!" " Self-destruct mode activated." " Self what?" " Master Dick!" " No!" "Look who's bat!" "What?" "Everyone okay?" "Dick, Alfred, Barbara?" " Are you guys" " We're fine, Batman." "Listen, I just wanted to say..." "That I'm really... really... really... really really really..." "really really... sooooo..." " Sorry?" " Yeah!" "Woo, I did it!" "I don't even know why you bothered coming back." "I... was... afraid." "What?" "The reason I came back was the same reason I left you." "I was afraid... of feeling..." "the pain... you feel... when you lose someone close to you." "Gotham needs us." "So I came back to do this." "Flip." "Flip?" "What is that, I don't" "You gotta turn around." "I call it the Babs Signal, and I'm flipping the switch for you." "Because saving this city is too big a job for one person." "Flip, flip." "So what do you say, Commish?" "Will you work with me?" "I need your help." "I thought you'd never ask." "I'm very, very proud of you, son." "But there's still only 4 of us against Joker's entire army." "That's why I called in some backup." "Flip flip flip flip..." " Woah!" " We saw your signal and we came to help!" "Joker may be done with us, but we're not done with him." " We will be the Joker's reckoning!" " Joker said mean stuff to us." "You were right Barbara:" "It takes a village, not a Batman." "Okay, everybody listen up." "These monsters wanna destroy Gotham City." "That's right." "We need sick new vehicles." "An arsenal of advanced weaponry." "Costumes that suit our individual personalities." "RIP!" "And codenames to use on our walkie-talkies." " Call it out!" "Your name is..." "Lady Bat." " Lady Bat?" " Bat Lady." " Veto." " Batarina." " No." " Soccer-Mom Bat." " What?" "How about a cool costume?" "Nice!" " That one's called 'Batgirl'." " If I'm Batgirl, I can call you Batboy?" "And lastly, a coordinated attack strategy and a kick butt theme song." "Robin?" " My superhero codename!" " Oh yeah!" "Hit it!" "Got it!" "[♪ WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO] No!" "[♪ NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP] Ugh!" "[♪ FLY ROBIN FLY] Absolutely not." "[♪ HEROES (WE COULD BE)]" "This music is filling me with rage." "Let's use it." "Alright team, I'm gonna need to know your special powers." " I'm a giant clay person!" " I'm irritating!" "[CONVERSATION OVERLAPPING]" "[CONVERSATION OVERLAPPING]" " Ketchup!" " Nice!" "Orca?" " I'm a whale." "Oh, we got this covered!" "Whale yeah!" "Shh, quiet." "Who's laying down those funky beats?" "We are!" "Batman!" "?" "Evil Army, get rid of them!" "Team Gotham Family, activate!" "Voldy's got this." "Woah." "Batman, take out Joker's bomb." "I'll get that projector." "10-4." " Freeze, Clayface, Take this guy out!" " Coming through!" "Okay Alfred, bring the pain." "Bringing it Sir, for Queen and country!" "You just got union jacked!" "Robin, get ready." "I'm about to teach you some father and son stuff." " First, driving." "Put your hands at 10 to 2." " Okay." "Now fly." "Turn left." "Run over these skeletons." "Now drive up the wall." " Great driving!" " Thanks, Padre." "Okay, Robin, together we're gonna punch these guys so hard words describing the impact are going to spontaneously materialize out of thin air." "High five!" "Stop moving around, muggle!" "Alright team, let's shut him down." "Orca, you're up baby." "You wanna see a magic trick?" "I'm gonna make you disappear!" " Wingardium Levio" " Yoink!" "Wingardium Levio shut up!" "Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy." "Here we go, Bat Team." "Batman's in sight." " Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy." " Robin, go long!" "Oh my gosh, yes!" "Here you go, grandpa." "Hey Batman!" "Get off my Padre!" "It wasn't useless after all!" "End this, Batgirl!" "Adios, Shark!" "Okay, we have 'em beat guys." "I'm gonna go defuse that" "It's the end of Gotham City!" "As I predicted... we're doomed!" "We're not doomed, I got this." "Everyone grab on to me." "Come on guys, we need to hold this city together!" " Bat-Rope, no!" " Everybody run!" "No, we have to stick together!" "Right, Batman?" " We need to use our heads" " Maybe we should build something together." " Stick together..." " Build something..." "I got it!" "You're right Babs, we need to stick together..." "literally!" " Robin, quick, give me a boost!" " On it, Padre!" "We're gonna stick together using our heads, and the most powerful weapon of all, shredded abs." "Let's do this." " You got this, Alfred?" " Yes, Sir." "Abs of steel!" "Great!" "Now you bend, and I'll grab the other side." "No!" " Joker, please, help us." " No, I'm not going to help you!" "at least if this city is destroyed, I'll die knowing I'm your greatest enemy." "I have to die to know it." "Shut up Joker!" "If there's no Gotham, then I'll never get to fight you again!" "What?" "You're the reason why I get up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon and pump iron until my chest is positively sick." "You're the reason I've given up a life spent with Russian ballerinas and Lady Activewear models." "And if it wasn't for you, I never would have learned how connected I am with all these people and you." "So if you help me save Gotham you'll help me save us." "You just said, "us"?" "Yeah." "Batman and the Joker." "What do you say?" "You had me at 'shut up'." " How are your abs, bro?" " Too much flab, not enough ab." "Why?" "Because I need you to crunch them." "Citizens of Gotham!" "We need all of you to join us and help bring this city back together." "I'm just gonna come right out and say it." "I hate you, Joker." " I hate you, too." " I hate you more." " I hate you the most." " I hate you forever." "We did it everyone!" "Bane is feeling warm and fuzzy." "Padre." "Where you going?" "I made a promise." "I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone." " Sorry, kid." " Padre, please!" " Don't call me Padre." " Okay." "Call me..." "Dads." "My 2 dads are the same dad!" "But, they're both leaving." "It's gonna be okay, kid." "Sometimes losing people is part of life." "But that doesn't mean you stop letting them in." "Some very wise people taught me that." "My father figure." "My platonic co-worker buddy, who's a girl, but just a friend." "And you... 'Mi Hijo'." "It's Spanish for 'son'." "This is my family, but it's your family too." " You have a knife?" " Why?" "Because someone needs to cut the tension between the 2 of us." " Okay, I deserve that." " Hi!" "Wait a minute, what's going on?" "I came back, just like I said I would," "You know, Mr Batman, when you're a talking brick working at the Phantom Zone you see a lot of crazy things." "But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself, and make a change." "Who?" " Superman." " WHAT!" "?" "I'm kidding." "It's you!" "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you on the streets, Batman." " I guess so. catch you later, Joker." " Let's go, gang!" "We're not just gonna let these criminals go, right?" "Ah come on Comish, let's face it, those guys are no match for the 4 of us." "We'll give them a 30 minute head start." "Besides, you can't fight crime on an empty stomach." "[♪ MAN IN THE MIRROR]" " Hey Computer." " We're home!" " What is the password?" " Iron Man sucks!" "You... complete me." "Holy family photo, Batman!" "I love it!" "White." "All important movies end with a white screen." "And tying up loose ends..." " We're coming for you, Gotham City!" " Like this Snake-Clowns bit." " Snake clowns?" " Told you they were real." "Did you stick wigs onto snakes?" "That is so weird!" "Hey, can I play that song I wrote for the end credits?" " That's a hard pass." " Come on!" " Let the kid play whatever music he wants!" " No no no!" " Please?" " No!" " Padre?" " Fine. 'Puter." " Okay, Sir." "Now playing, [♪ ROBIN'S HAPPY POPPY MUSIC]" "The kind that makes parents and studio executives happy." "♪ I wake up early in the morning ♪ and I'm texting you" "Hey Robin, it's 7:30!" "♪ Well that's okay I'm ready ♪ to fight crime with you, the Dark Knight!" "I'll be sleeping past 2!" "♪ We sometimes fight (BOOM POW BAM) ♪ but we always make up!" " Hey man I'm sorry" " It's okay!" "♪ We're not related ♪ but here's good news" "♪ Friends are the family ♪ you can choose" "♪ High five, down low, ♪ to the side, let's go!" "♪ You're my best friend ♪ my best friend" "♪ And friends are family" "♪ You're my best friend ♪ my best friend" "♪ And friends are family" "♪ You're my family!" "♪ Come on everybody and sing" " Come on, Batman!" " No!" "♪ You're my best friend, my best friend" "♪ And friends are family" "♪ Best friends!" "My friends are the best!" "♪ Best friends!" "My friends are the best!" "My friends are the best." "♪ I got a utility belt ♪ A sparkly cape" "♪ Saw the signal so I'm heading ♪ back to the cave" " Well I'm all smiles!" " It's Joker!" "Don't be afraid." "We'll always bet on black." "That's a fact, come on Robin watch my back!" "♪ Well I don't think that you ♪ were happy till I met you" "I was." "♪ I know you're playing buddy, we can't lose ♪ Cause friends are the family you can choose" "Robin gimme the mic, drop the beat, think you can handle that?"