"Is there any entertainment there?" "All right." "Here we go." "1999, the year of Joey." "We're very happy for you." "What's the matter?" "We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so, you know..." " All right, I'll take care of it." " Oh, no." "Joey." " Thirty-three, 32, 31." " Ross, Ross, Ross." "Listen, who are you kissing at midnight?" "Rachel or Phoebe?" " What?" " Well, you gotta kiss someone." " Can't kiss your sister." " Who's gonna kiss my sister?" " Chandler." " Oh, man." "Really?" "Who would you rather have kiss your sister?" " That's a good point." " Yeah." "Uh, well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe." "Okay, great." "Pheebs, Pheebs." "Listen." "Ross wants to kiss you at midnight." "So obvious." "Why doesn't he just ask?" "Rach, Rach." "Listen, I'm going to kiss you at midnight." " What?" " You can't kiss Ross." "You got the history." " So?" " So?" " Would you prefer me or Chandler?" " Oh, good point." "ALL:" "Three, two, one." "Happy New Year!" "[NOISE MAKERS BLARING]" " Happy New Year." " Happy New Year." " Happy New Year, Pheebs." " You too." "Happy New Year, Joey." "So that do anything for you?" "You know what?" "I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99."" "[BLOWS NOISE MAKER]" "But your divorce isn't even final yet." "Just the one divorce in '99." "[BLOWS NOISE MAKER]" "You know what?" "I'm gonna be happy this year." "I'm gonna make myself happy." "Do you want us to leave the room or?" "Every day, I am going to do one thing I have never done before." "That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution." " Ooh." "That's a good one." "ROSS:" "Yeah?" "Mine is to pilot a commercial jet." "That's a good one too." "Now you only have to find a planeload of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths." "Maybe your resolution should be not to make fun of your friends." "Especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane." "She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us." "In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks you can't go the whole year without making fun of us." "You know what?" "Better yet, a week." "I'll take that bet, my friend." "And you know what?" "Paying me the 50 bucks can be the "new thing you do" that day." "And it starts right now." "All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play guitar." " Really?" "How come?" "ROSS:" "Ah." "You know those special skills I have listed on my résumé?" "I would love it if one of those was true." "Do you want me to teach you?" "I'm a great teacher." "Really?" "Who have you taught?" "Well, I taught me and I loved me." "That'd be great." "Yeah, thanks, Pheebs." "Oh, look." "Blaire forgot her glasses." "She's gonna be needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend." "Who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about." "Hey, Rach, maybe your resolution should be to, um, gossip less." "What?" "I don't gossip." "[JOEY  CHANDLER LAUGH]" "Maybe sometimes I find out things." "Or I hear something and I pass that information on." "You know, kind of like a public service." "Doesn't mean I'm a gossip." "I mean, would you call Ted Koppel a gossip?" "Well, if Ted Koppel talked about his coworkers' botched boob jobs yeah, I would." "Well, they were like this." " I'll see you tomorrow." " Okay." " Hey." " Hey." "I just asked that girl out." " Nice." " Nice." "Yeah." "Is that part of your resolution, your "new thing" for today?" "Yes, it is." "See?" ""Elizabeth Hornswoggle"?" "That's right." "Elizabeth Hornswoggle." "Hornswoggle." "You okay, Chandler?" "Is there something...?" "Something funny about that name?" "No, no, I just think that maybe I've heard it somewhere before." "Oh, really?" "Where?" "Somewhere funny I'll bet." " Hey, Pheebs." "Guess what?" " Hey." "Uh, I have a date with, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle." "Hornswoggle?" "Oh, this must be killing you." " All right, see you later." " See you." "All right, Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson." "Okay." "Oh, no, no, you don't touch the guitar." "No, no." "First you learn here, then you learn here." " Oh." "Okay." "PHOEBE:" "Okay." " Okay." "Lesson One:" "Chords." "JOEY:" "Ah." "Now, um, I don't know the actual names of the chords, um..." "But I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them." "So then, this is "Bear Claw."" "Okay, "Turkey Leg" and "Old Lady."" "What an interesting approach to guitar instruction." "You know, some might find it amusing." "I myself find it regular." "Hey, everybody." "Rachel was so good today." "She didn't gossip at all." "I didn't." "Even when I found out, um..." "All right, let's just say I found out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it." "Hey, Pheebs." "Check this out." "Ooh." "You nailed the Old Lady." "Oh!" "Oh, ha, ha!" "Hey, listen, I thought I was getting better so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store..." "Did you touch any of the guitars while you were there?" "Did you?" "No." "Give me your hands." "Strings." "Pick." "Do you want to learn to play guitar?" " Yes." " Then don't touch one!" " Hi." " Hi." " Hi, Ben." " Auntie Monica." "Aw." "Ross is wearing leather pants." "Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants?" "Someone comment on the pants." " I think they're very nice." " I really like them a lot." "Not what I had in mind." "See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants." "You see, they're very tight." "Maybe there's something in that area?" " I think they look really good." " I like them." "Yeah, where did you get them?" "See, I needed a new thing for today." "And there's this leather store I go by that always smells so good." "And I thought to myself, "Wow." "You know, I've never owned a really good-smelling pair of pants before."" "Oh, come on." "Okay, seriously." "What do you think?" "JOEY:" "You look like a freak." "Yeah, awful." "BOTH:" "Awful." "Hey." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" " It's my New Year's resolution." " To blind my child?" "No, to take more pictures of all of us together." "I really think it's the best resolution." "Everyone can enjoy them." "Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well." "[GASPS]" "[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]" "ROSS:" "My God, these pants." "I'm burning up." "Oh, God." "She wants to snuggle now?" "What, is she trying to kill me?" "It's like a volcano in here." " Are you hot?" " No." "Okay, it must just be me then." "[FARTING NOISE]" "That was just the pants and the couch." "Um, hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom?" " Oh, go ahead." " Thanks." "[FARTING NOISE]" "Ah." "ELIZABETH:" "Hey, my favorite part's coming up." "Okay." "Oh, my God!" "Tiger." "Dragon." "Iceberg." "Joseph, did you even study at all last night?" " Yes." "Yes, I did." " Then do Iceberg." " G-sharp." " G-sharp?" "Have you been studying the real names of the chords?" "Have you?" "Oh, my God." "What?" "I didn't touch a guitar." "No, but you're questioning my method." "No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe." "I'm saying it's stupid." "What?" "Thank you." "You know, none of my other student thought I was stupid." "Your other student was you!" "Yeah, well, you know, maybe you just need to try a little harder." "Maybe I need to try a real teacher." "Right here." "Here." "Andy Cooper." "He teaches guitar." "And look." "Ooh, there's a picture of him with a kid." "Yeah, and the kid's got a guitar!" "Fine." "You go learn from your qualified instructor." "But don't come crying to me when everyone is sick and tired of hearing you play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown."" "[SINGING] Baddest man in the whole damn town" "Oh, fine." "Take his side." "Hmm." "MONICA [OVER PHONE]:" "I can't wait to be with you." "I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben." "I'll tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple hours." "CHANDLER:" "Laundry." "Huh." "Is that my new nickname?" "MONICA:" "Aw." "You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big..." "[YELLS]" "[PHONE RINGS]" " Hello?" " Joey, it's Ross." "I need some help." "Uh, Chandler's not here." "Well, you can help me." " Okay." " Listen." "I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom." "Nice." "No, I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off." "But they must have shrunk from the sweat or something." "Or my legs expanded from the heat." "I can't get them back on, Joey." "I can't." "Oh." "That is quite a situation." "Uh, do you see any, like, powder?" "Powder." "Yeah, yeah, I have powder." "Good, good." "Okay." "Sprinkle some on your legs." "It'll absorb moisture." "Then you can get your pants back on." "Yeah, hold on." "They're not coming on, man." "Um, you see any...?" "Oh, Vaseline?" "I see lotion." "I have lotion." "Will that work?" " Yeah, sure, throw some of that on there." " Hold on." "Ross, you okay?" "They're still not coming on, man." "And the lotion and the powder have made a paste." "Really?" "Uh, what color is it?" "What difference does that make?" "Well, if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself paste pants and she won't know the difference." "Joey, do you have a minute?" "Dude, what am I...?" "Rachel's here, so good luck, man." "Let me know how it works out." "Oh, Joey, I have such a problem." "Oh, well, your timing couldn't be better." "I'm putting out fires all over the place." "Okay, okay." "Joey, I have got to tell you something." "What is it?" "What is it?" "Oh, my God." "It's so huge." "But you have to promise me, you cannot tell anyone." " No, no, no." "I don't want to know." " What?" "Yes, yes, yes." "You do want to know." "This is unbelievable." "I don't care, Rach." "Look, I'm tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets and can't tell anyone." "You know secrets?" "What are they?" "And you're not supposed to be gossiping." "No, I know, I can't keep this in." "So I pick up the phone..." "[YELLING]" "JOEY:" "I'm not listening to you." "[SCREAMS]" "Ross?" "Um..." "You've been in there for a long time." "I'm starting to get kind of freaked out." "ROSS:" "All right, I'm coming out." "Hey, can you turn the lights off?" "No." "Let's just leave the lights on." "Oh, my God." "I had a problem." "Hey, Pheebs." "Oh, I can't talk to you." "I don't have a fancy ad in the yellow pages." "Look..." "Pheebs, I just..." "I want to apologize for saying your method was stupid." "And maybe, ask you to be my teacher again?" "And I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready." " You really think I'm ready?" " Uh-huh." "Wow, cool." "Okay." " Was the chord at least right before...?" " No." "Oh, my God." "We heard about your pants." "I'm so sorry." "This year was supposed to be great." "Well, it's only the second day, and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit." "GROUP:" "You're not a loser." "Look at me." "Hey, look." "Look, Ross." "Ben drew a picture of you." "Huh?" "You're a cowboy." "Oh." "Because of the leather pants?" "Ben doesn't think you're a loser." "He thinks you're a cowboy." "I mean, that's something." "RACHEL:" "It really is something." "JOEY:" "Howdy, partner." "Hey." "Maybe I should get another pair." "Ooh, you know, they had some with fringe all down the sides." "I'm gonna go kiss Ben good night." "I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy." "I would make a good cowboy." "Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I'm gonna go do my laundry." "Yeah, me too." "You know, if this shirt is dirty." "Yep." "Okay, I'm gonna go to." "I'm gonna go to the airport." "If I hang around there long enough someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended." " Good luck, honey." "PHOEBE:" "Bye." "Hey, uh, Joey, remember that big thing I was going to tell you about?" "[YELLING]" "I'm not gonna tell you." "But if you found out on your own that would be okay, and then we could talk about it, right?" "Well, then it wouldn't be a secret." "So, yeah, that would be okay." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom and getting that book back that he borrowed from me?" "Now?" "You want me to go over there now?" "Yeah." " Do you know something?" " Do you know something?" " I might know something." " I might too something too." " What's the thing you know?" " You tell me what you know." " I can't tell you." " Then I can't." "Okay, fine." "You don't know." "How about I go there and walk into Chandler's bedroom and see the thing that I think I know is actually the thing I think I know." " You know." " And you know." "Yeah, I know." "Chandler and Monica?" "Oh, this is unbelievable." " How long have you known?" " Too long." "Oh, my God." "Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long." "Listen, listen." "You can't say anything to anybody." "They're so weird about that." " Listen." "Hey, Phoebe." " Hey." "It's raining." "I don't like to fly in the rain so..." "Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain." "Ha, ha." "Oh, yeah, me too." "That's weird." "I bet they're doing it." "Oh, good." "Okay, look." "I can't take it anymore." "I can't take it anymore." "So you win." "Okay?" "Here." "Pheebs?" "Flying a jet?" "Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet." "And Ross." "Phone call for you today." "Tom Jones." "He wants his pants back." "And Hornswoggle?" "What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?" "[GROANS]" "[English" " US" " SDH]"