"{\move(10,10,190,230,100,400)\fad(0,1000)\fscx25\fscy25\t(0,6000,\fscx125\fscy125)\cH000000\3cH00FFFF}anoXmous" "Seventh-grader." "Sounds a Iot better than sixth-grader." "(sighs) This is a Greg thing." "I don't see why I had to come." "Because, Rodrick, this is a family event, and like it or not, you're part of the HeffIey family." "Yeah." "That and we already paid for your ticket." "MAN ON PA:" "I'd Iike to give a warm welcome to Westmore seventh-graders!" "A new year of school starting." "Hi!" "RowIey!" "Greg!" "(BOTH exclaim)" "(BUZZlNG)" "AIakazam!" "AIaka-zoo-wee Mama!" "What are you doing?" "lt's a magic wand." "Do you want to see a trick?" "only if the trick is to make the thing disappear." "(EXHALES SHARPLY) Just put it in your pocket!" "You don't want to give away your best tricks in public." "So, how was your summer?" "(GREG sighs)" "(ALL laughing)" "(breathing heavily)" "ROWLEY:" "That sounds pretty rough." "The only good thing that happened was I got rid of the Cheese Touch." "Who'd you give it to?" "The new kid." "Jeremy PindIe." "(girls screaming)" "girls:" "Cheese Touch!" "Hey, guys!" "Anyone for pizza?" "Hey!" "Thanks, FregIey." "You know, I can't believe people leave perfectly good food just lying around." "(SNEEZES)" "(RETCHlNG)" "I'II save that for later." "(GRUNTlNG) Let's skate." "MAN:" "I'd like to give a shout out to Taylor Pringle!" "Uh-oh, dork alert!" "Happy birthday, Taylor!" "Five years young." "I hope your party's a blast." "RowIey, stop pulling me down!" "(magic playing)" "MAN: (singing) Ho, ho, ho It's magic" "You know" "Who is that?" "Her name is holly hills." "She just moved here." "What grade is she in?" "Seventh." "She's an aII-star soccer player, has done professional modeling, and was her sixth grade class president." "She moved here from Oregon because her father got a big promotion." "They drive a hybrid SUV," "live on the north side of town in a cuI-de-sac near the park." "What?" "I googled her!" "She's a picture of loveliness, is she not?" "She's almost as pretty as my mom." "She's going to be very popular." "(sighs DEEPLY)" "(kids cheering)" "girl:" "Sit here!" "Sit here!" "please, everyone, sit down." "We have our seats." "(kids clamoring)" "MAN: (singing) lt's magic, you know" "Never believe it's not so" "Excuse me." "What?" "I said, excuse me." "You're blocking the exit." "(STAMMERS) Oh, sorry." "That's okay." "I'm Chirag Gupta." "And I'm single." "Wow." "My name is..." "We know exactly who you are." "holly hills of 432 Embury Lane." "GREG:" "No, we don't know who you are." "We have no idea who you are." "(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)" "Okay!" "well, I think I'm going to go skating now." "please congratulate your father on his promotion from me!" ""We know exactly who you are"?" "You trying to scare her?" "Does it really matter?" "A girl like that is out of your league anyway, Gregory." "She's new." "She isn't out of anyone's league yet." "She doesn't know the social pecking order." "If there was ever a time for me to make a move, it's now." "(RODRlCK SCOFFS)" "Hey, Greg!" "Can you break a leg or something so we can leave?" "(sighs)" "RODRlCK:" "Oh!" "(LAUGHS)" "That'II never happen." "Not a chance." "There's no way that girl will ever talk to you." "Yeah, well, I just talked to her and we'II probably skate later." "really?" "Okay." "well, you see that clock?" "They play a slow song at the top of every hour for couples skate." "If you're so confident, ask her to skate." "Maybe I will." "What you waiting for, wimp?" "You the man!" "(laughing)" "Look, if we can get out to holly and be standing right next to her when the clock changes, then I can ask her to skate and she'II have to say yes." "I don't know about that." "(indistinct HlP-HOP music playing)" "Oh, honey, hi!" "Remember when we were young like this, and we used to dance and go to parties, and things like that?" "Whoo!" "I'm going in." "Cover me!" "(ALWAYS playing)" "(singing) Girl you are to me all that a woman should be" "And I dedicate my life..." "MAN:" "AII rockers and hardcore skaters off the rink, unless you're looking for love." "(girl whimpering)" "It's time for couples skate." "I'm making my move." "Stop!" "Enough of that total Iameness!" "Who's ready to rock?" "Yeah!" "(whooping)" "(HEAVY METAL ROCK SONG playing)" "Come on, Iet's get out of here." "Come on." "(GRUNTlNG)" "(screaming)" "(GREG WHlMPERlNG)" "ROWLEY:" "What are we gonna do?" "Stay calm." "AII we have to do is just stay here." "ROWLEY:" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "GREG:" "RowIey!" "Hang on!" "(ROWLEY WHlMPERlNG)" "(music STOPS)" "SUSAN ON PA:" "Greg Heffley!" "This is your mother." "Everything is going to be okay." "Stay where you are, and your father is going to come rescue you." "I repeat, everything is going to be okay." "Okay, here he comes." "Here comes Frank." "I see him." "He's on his way." "Dad!" "l know, I know." "Okay." "All right, everyone, go back to skating!" "You all right?" "Hey, Romeo, how'd it go with the new girl?" "(GRUNTlNG) Whoa!" "(PEOPLE gasping) -(RODRlCK CHUCKLES)" "You ruined my birthday!" "You jerk!" "(kids shouting)" "Ow!" "Ow!" "That hurt!" "(LAUGHS)" "GREG:" "Rodrick!" "(BABY crying)" "Here, catch!" "Let me start by saying that having a brother is really overrated." "RowIey always says he wishes he had a brother, and, boy, do I wish I couId give him one of mine." "I've looked into it and, unfortunately, it's not legal, I mean, Manny has been telling on me ever since he was able to speak." "Bubby did it." "(CAT GROWLS)" "Bubby did it." "Bubby did it." "SUSAN:" "Greg!" "And Rodrick is the king of laziness." "Except when it comes to torturing me." "(coughing) -(laughing)" "GREG:" "My mom has started writing an advice column for the local paper." "She wrote an article last week about how your brothers will always be there for you." "well, that's exactly what I'm afraid of." "(BOWL DROPS)" "Hey, Bubby." "Got to go, Mom." "Later, Mom." "Yeah, see you, hon." "Okay, okay, wait." "hold on." "Wait a second." "I need a moment for a family meeting." "Now, your father and I have been talking." "Things between you two have really gotten out of hand." "Can I just say..." "You may not realize it now, but having a brother is one of the most important relationships of your life." "I mean, one day you're gonna be uncle Greg and uncle Rodrick to each other's kids." "That's important." "So you need to get to know each other." "What?" "What?" "You need to spend more time together." "What?" "So that's why I've come up with a new program that's going to reward you for spending time together." "I'm calling it (lMlTATES FANFARE)" ""Mom Bucks."" "You're paying us with fake money?" "Yeah." "Okay, now, for every hour that you spend together without fighting, for example, Iet's say you give Greg a drum lesson, you each earn a Mom Buck, which you can then trade in for one real dollar." "RODRlCK:" "Oh." "So, to start you off, I'm giving you each five Mom Bucks." "Now, if you're smart, you'II save up your Mom Bucks..." "Can I cash out now?" "well, Rodrick, if you save..." "But can I cash out?" "Yes, but..." "l want to cash out." "Frank?" "l know." "(FRANK EXHALES)" "Uh..." "Okay." "Yes, you can." "AII right." "Okay." "AII right, great." "We should get going, because you don't want to be late for school." "AII right?" "Yeah, gotta go." "Let's go." "Okay, all right." "This Mom Bucks thing is a gold mine, muchacho." "You better not ruin it for me." "GREG:" "Most kids hate it when summer ends, but I have to say, right now, school is starting to look pretty good." "welcome back." "It's nice not to be the new kids this year." "l agree." "l know." "Look at all the tiny sixth-graders." "I'm so glad that's not me this year." "Just a little higher." "Just a little higher." "Whoa!" "Greg!" "Look who's in our class." "GREG:" "This was my chance." "If I could sit next to Holly," "I'd have the whole year to show her how great I am." "No way, Greg HeffIey." "This is my seat." "No, it's not. I was here first." "PATTY: (GRUNTlNG) lt's mine!" "Let go!" "You know I'm stronger than you, Greg HeffIey." "Don't make me beat you up again!" "Let's get something straight." "I was sick that day and I had something in my eye." "MR. DRAYBlCK:" "well!" "I've never had students so eager to start the school year." "What's going on?" "This is my seat!" "This is my seat!" "(LAUGHS) Okay, Iet's start again." "What are your names?" "Patty FarreII, two R's, two L's." "Greg HeffIey." "would you be related to Rodrick HeffIey?" "(EXHALES)" "I've got my eye on you, HeffIey." "GREG:" "There's no way to escape." "(RODRlCK LAUGHS evilly) lt's unbelievable!" "Even at school, Rodrick is ruining my Iife." "Shh!" "(whispers) He might hear you." "Nah." "Watch." "(banging LOUDLY)" "holy cow!" "He once slept through an entire day." "Do you have an amazing talent that you'd like to share?" "Today, PIainview City council announced a brand-new local contest:" "PIainview's Most talented." "Hey!" "Greg!" "Maybe we should..." "Can it, Chunky Cheese!" "Westmore is absolutely packed to the roof with talent." "The top prize is $1 ,000 and, of course, the admiration of your friends and neighbors." "This is huge. I gotta call the band." "We gotta practice." "This is gonna be our big break!" "Uh-uh-uh." "Wait a second." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "What?" "l showered yesterday." "smell." "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Okay." "We agreed that you'd give a drum lesson to Greg." "You were serious?" "SUSAN:" "Who knows?" "Maybe you guys will really like it and we can form a family band. (GASPS)" "(COME ON GET HAPPY PLAYING)" "(singing) Hello, world, here's a song that we're singing" "Come on get happy" "A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringing" "We'll make you happy" "(ROCK SONG playing)" "GREG:" "Rodrick says he's a professional musician, but as far as I know the only money he's made, is when Dad gave him five bucks once to stop playing." "When do we get to play the real drums?" "Like I'd ever let you touch them!" "Watch and learn, earthworm!" "Hey, I was thinking we should enter the talent show." "I couId do my magic act and you could be my assistant." "Assistant?" "No way." "Doing magic tricks is bad enough." "Assisting the guy doing the tricks?" "I'd never make it to eighth grade." "(BEEPS)" "What?" "Hey, a cookie." "Manny, what have you done?" "l'm only three." "What's going on?" "What did you do to him?" "Nothing!" "He ruined my video game." "Oh!" "He didn't do anything on purpose." "Did you, honey?" "No, I didn't." "No, he didn't." "He's only three." "MANNY:" "I'm only three!" "Okay, Iet's go, sweetie." "You want another cookie?" "GREG:" "It's so unfair." "I have Rodrick making my life a misery on one side, and Manny attacking me from the other." "And I'm the only one who seems to get blamed for anything." "I wonder what it'd be like to have a family that actually loves me." "little boy!" "We're a very rich couple with no children and so much love to share." "Won't you come be part of our family?" "finally!" "Someone I can leave my billions to." "(sighs) India?" "Why would you go there?" "India is fascinating." "It's the jewel of Southeast Asia." "My father has business to take care of, so he's taking the whole family." "Can you bring me back a cobra?" "I want to teach it to dance!" "MALONE:" "Wake up!" "What are you guys doing over there?" "Get the ball!" "Get the ball, kick it!" "(kids shouting)" "MAN:" "Kick it!" "MALONE:" "Kick it!" "(ALL cheering)" "Patty FarreII, you are the man!" "(BOYS panting)" "Nice running, HeffIey." "Just have to work on the direction." "Wow." "holly hills is better than Bryce." "And he's an aII-star!" "well, I'm sure your soccer skills made a great impression on her." "Go strike while the iron is hot." "You'II see." "When you come back from India, she'II be hanging out with me." "CHlRAG:" "I would love for that to be true, Gregory." "It would provide hope for smaller boys everywhere, but girls like that just don't hang out with guys like us." "So, listen, you don't have to worry about being in my magic show anymore, 'cause I got Scotty from my karate class to be my assistant." "Scotty?" "Isn't he like eight?" "He'II be eight." "(BRAKES SCREECH)" "Get in." "Why?" "What are you doing here?" "Mom said she'II pay Mom Bucks if I drive you home from school." "(BOTH chuckling)" "We'd rather walk." "Get in!" "Now!" "GREG:" "What happened to the seats?" "l needed the room for my new equipment." "How'd you have the money for that?" "You know, Mom Bucks." "There's no way." "He only earned like five." "(BOTH screaming)" "(tires squealing)" "We got to figure out what song we're playing at the talent contest." "Easy." "Devil's Diper." "A ballad?" "really, dude?" "We got to lift them out of their seats!" "BEN:" "I got it." "Exploded Diper!" "Exploded Diper!" "slow down, guys!" "slow down!" "GREG:" "Whoa!" "(GROANS)" "(GREG GRUNTS)" "GREG:" "This Mom Bucks thing isn't working out." "Now Rodrick can get paid for beating me up." "(sniffs) Oh..." "GREG:" "Mom, why are you writing about me again?" "It's embarrassing." "What?" "You know how important honesty is to me." "And, RowIey, good news." "I called your mom and she gave her permission for you to come with us to Rockin' Rapids next weekend." "Two days on the biggest water slides in the world!" "It's gonna be great!" "(whooping)" "Thank you, Mrs. HeffIey, but I think I'd Iike to stay home and practice my magic act." "(BOTH cheering)" "(screaming) I just want to perfect my art." "Come on, Iet's go upstairs." "Mom, can I use your computer for homework?" "For homework, right?" "Yeah." "definitely." "Homework only." "I'm sorry, Bubby." "What's this?" "It's a gift from Manny." "He made it for you because he wanted to say he was sorry for breaking your video game." "Isn't that cute?" "It looks dangerous." "What if I sat on that thing?" "Greg!" "What are you doing?" "(SOFTLY) tell Manny you love his gift." "You're so lucky you don't have any brothers." "You're kind of like my brother." "And shouIdn't we be looking up things for your "hundred years ago" assignment?" "She looks like she was born 1 00 years ago." "Ahhh!" "Oh, I hope she's okay." "She sounded pretty hurt." "Are you kidding me?" "She's famous, and I heard she's a millionaire." "ROWLEY:" "I would love to be her!" "You do know she was faking it?" "really?" "Of course." "Anyone can be an Internet sensation." "We could." "l'm listening." "You just have to work with what you got." "(MOUTHlNG SONG lyrics) -(singing) Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy" "Grab my glasses on, I'm out the door I'm gonna hit this city" "Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack" "'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back" "I'm talking, playing our favorite CD's" "Pulling up to the parties" "Trying to get a little bit tipsy" "Okay, three, two, one, fall." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "(music STOPS) lt looks fake. it has to look real." "But how do I fake it if I'm actually falling backwards?" "Maybe you need a gimmick, so people notice you." "Oh." "Wear this on your head." "Now, do it again." "Why can't you be the one that faIIs backwards in the chair?" "Because I'm not the one wearing the underwear on my head." "(singing) Tick tock, on the clock But the party don't stop, no" "Remember when I broke my arm?" "That didn't feel good at... (screaming) I can't believe you sat on the tinfoil ball!" "We're going to be rich!" "SUSAN:" "Okay, RowIey." "hold still." "Oy!" "(screaming)" "(SQUAWKlNG)" "My computer was supposed to be for homework only." "You lied to me." "You know how I feel about that." "Mom, from now on, I'II be 1 00% honest." "Well, that lasted about a week." "Mom somehow didn't appreciate the completely honest version of me." "ALL:" "Happy birthday, Grandpa!" "Next year, I want a chocolate cake." "That is, if you're alive next year." "SUSAN:" "Greg!" "Honesty, Mom!" "Mom, it's Mrs. GiIIman from the PTA." "tell her I'm not here!" "But that would be lying and I don't do that anymore." "I'm sorry, Mrs. GiIIman, but my mom isn't in the house right now." "On weekends, I try to stay as far away from my brothers as possible." "But on Sunday morning, I have no choice." "Poopy!" "(exclaims) Huh?" "SUSAN:" "Greg!" "It looks like he has a candy bar on there." "Manny!" "(GREG GRUNTS angrily)" "SUSAN:" "Frank, you're gonna have to do something." "FRANK:" "Yeah, I'II get a rag." "Dad, stop it!" "hold still!" "AII right, Iet me see." "You're fine." "Can't even tell." "I'm not going in with a poop stain on my pants." "Okay, well, you can't skip church." "No, I'm not going in like this." "Fine." "(ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL playing ON ORGAN)" "ALL: (singing) He made them every one" "Go." "All things bright and beautiful" "All creatures great and small" "All things wise and wonderful" "What are you doing?" "Go!" "The Lord God made them all" "minister:" "please be seated." "Let me just say how gratifying it is to see so many smiling faces here today." "Mothers and fathers..." "Okay, we're up." "Come on!" "We're up!" "But everyone will see the sweater." "people are looking, okay?" "So come on." "Let's go." "Come on." "Poop!" "He's pooped his pants!" "No, it isn't what it looks like!" "It isn't. lt's chocolate!" "chocolate." "See?" "(ALL exclaim in disgust)" "What did I say about being civil to one another?" "That's all I asked of you!" "well, you have blown it big time!" "Never been more embarrassed!" "Everyone we know was there!" "(sobbing) I have no idea how I'm gonna write my column this week." "I feel like a complete fraud!" "well, you brought this on yourselves." "You can kiss Rockin' Rapids good-bye!" "You two will stay here all weekend and work out your differences." "And if you don't, I will." "And trust me, you don't want any part of that." "Do you understand?" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "(sighing) AII right, Iet's go." "And don't have anybody over this weekend." "Got it?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(UPBEAT music playing)" "(speaking)" "(MESSAGE TONE BEEPlNG)" "Snacks in the bowls, ice in the freezer, cups on the table." "Your party better be good." "Our party, little bro." "(DOORBELL rings)" "Wait!" "Whoa, whoa!" "We need chairs from the basement." "For what?" "In case we wanna play musical chairs." "I haven't played musical chairs since the second grade." "well, it comes back when you hit high school." "(DOORBELL rings)" "Wait!" "You get the chairs." "I don't want anyone to be disappointed." "AII right?" "Okay." "AII right." "(PEOPLE chattering)" "(light switch clicking)" "Rodrick, help!" "The door's closed!" "Yeah, and it's staying closed." "I don't need a middIe-schooIer ruining my party." "What?" "I thought it was our party!" "It's my party." "Now keep quiet or I'II lock you in the dryer!" "Rodrick!" "(MOCKlNGLY) Greg!" "(panting)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GASPS)" "(sighs in relief)" "(gasping)" "(dial TONE DRONlNG)" "ROWLEY:" "And that's magic!" "(PHONE ringing)" "Jefferson residence." "RowIey speaking." "RowIey, I need your help!" "Now!" "(ROCK music playing)" "(PEOPLE shouting)" "holy pepperoni!" "Get inside." "Open the door and let me out!" "Yes!" "You did it!" "(LAUGHS) lt's a really nice try, Greggy." "But whatever you thought, I already thinked it." "(HlP-HOP SONG playing)" "When our band is huge, we'II have parties every night!" "But they'II be backstage parties!" "Sweet!" "We'II get to go backstage." "(PHONE ringing)" "You, don't touch that phone!" "Music off!" "(SHRlLL voice) Everybody freeze!" "(NORMAL voice) Freeze." "(ALL silent) lf anyone makes a sound, the party is over and I am a dead man." "So..." "Shh!" "(CREAKlNG) -(exclaims)" "Quiet, man!" "Get back!" "(breathing heavily) Shh!" "hello?" "Rodrick, it's Mom." "is everything okay?" "It took a Iong time for you to answer." "Yeah, everything's fine." "I was just washing dishes." "Okay, honey." "well, I just wanted to check in and say I Iove you," "and I'm sorry I was so harsh earlier." "No problem." "Bye." "Now let me say good night to Greg." "Greg?" "Oh, uh..." "He can't." "He's asleep." "I don't want to wake him." "No, I'm not. I'm right here." "Hi, Mom." "Hey, Rodrick." "Hi, sweetie, is everything okay?" "Why were you sleeping so early?" "(RODRlCK EXHALES)" "well, actually, I wasn't sleeping." "I'm down in the basement." "(CHUCKLES) The basement?" "What the heck are you doing down there?" "WouIdn't you rather be up here hanging with me?" "Yeah, I would, Rodrick." "Why don't you come down and get me?" "Now." "(whispering) I think they're trying to get along." "Huh?" "That's good." "Good, honey." "Okay." "Everything is cool here, right, Greg?" "Yeah, Mom." "And I have your number if I need you." "Okay, sweeties." "well, we'II see you tomorrow." "Good night." "(music STARTS playing)" "Listen up." "If you do anything that embarrasses me, anything at all," "l will..." "You'II what?" "Just stay out of my way, nerds." "I think we should go upstairs." "Are you kidding me?" "We might not get to go to another high school party for five more years." "We have an opportunity here, to see things no other kid in our grade has ever seen before." "Like what?" "Teenage things." "Just follow my lead, and we'II be fine." "(DANCE music playing)" "(girl GASPS)" "Hey, watch the elbows, popcorn dude." "Not cool." "(panting) That was a close one." "(THUD)" "I didn't know you could get up there." "RODRlCK:" "You should hear my band." "We play so loud, we actually make people's eardrums bleed." "Ew." "l mean, not really." "(RODRlCK LAUGHS)" "l think your brother likes her!" "(music STOPS)" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "l have to go find my friend." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "Reminder!" "You can't call if you're dead." "(PEOPLE laughing)" "Dude, this party is dying." "Look, the girls aren't into it." "Look, they want to dance." "You don't ask them to dance, they're gonna leave, then you're just gonna be that guy who threw the lame party with no girls." "Go ask the girls to dance!" "You ask them." "(LAUGHS) No, man." "You go ask the girls to dance." "You almost did it." "l'm not going to do it!" "l've seen you dance!" "I'm not doing it..." "Did somebody say "dance"?" "Break it down!" "RowIey, no!" "Don't!" "That kid's dead." "No, wait, man." "What are you, new?" "You can't mess with a chubby kid, the girls'II freak out!" "(FAST-PACED DANCE music playing) I won't call Mom." "You can kill me." "Conga!" "(JUMP IN THE LINE PLAYING)" "What is he doing?" "Who cares?" "I'm going to go squeeze in next to rachel Lewis and Amy Ramirez!" "Shake, shake, shake, Senora, Shake your body line" "Shake, shake, shake, Senora, Shake it all the time" "My girl's name is Senora" "I tell you, friends, I adore her" "And when she dances, oh, brother!" "She's a hurricane in all kinds of weather" "Jump in the line, Rock your body" "This is great!" "l know!" "I wish my mom was here." "Your parents are so cool to let you have this party." "Yeah, really cool." "And they can never know." "You can talk about Cha Cha" "Tango, Waltz, or the Rumba" "Senora's dance has no title" "You jump in the saddle hold on to the bridle!" "Jump in the line, Rock your body in time" "Whoa!" "Shake, shake, shake, Senora, Shake it all the time" "(PHONE ringing)" "FRANK:" "Hi." "You've reached the Heffley residence." "Please leave a message." "SUSAN:" "Hey, guys." "Manny's sick." "We're on our way home." "See you in an hour." "holy..." "moly!" "You are in so much trouble." "Me?" "You lied to Mom, just as much as I did." "You know how she feels about lying!" "She's gonna kill both of us!" "(STAMMERS)" "You do the living room, I'II start the kitchen." "Go!" "(NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH PLAYING)" "(singing) Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "I'd rather you didn't than did" "I'd rather you didn't get rid" "Of me at that age Such a young awkward stage" "That is not what you do to a kid" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "If this is the case Let us cut to the chase" "I'm so sorry I never let go" "I went to the doctor the kind that you talk to" "And he said the process is slow" "(sobbing)" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Down, down, down!" "AII right, Iet's go." "I'd rather you hadn't than had" "If you hadn't I wouldn't be mad" "At what I'd been handed Despite it I've landed" "On both feet so don't worry, Dad" "lt looks good." "Too good." "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Let's get the kitchen." "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "(exclaims)" "Maybe we can paint over it." "l don't know how to make paint!" "I got it!" "See?" "It's a good thing I locked you down here." "Now let's go!" "We're not gonna make it!" "We're gonna make it." "(exclaims)" "Trash mine if you'd like to" "I'm sure you'd be psyched to" "Remember our name is the same" "See?" "told you it wouId work." "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" "(GASPS)" "Rodrick!" "The bathroom door!" "The door doesn't have a lock on it." "The other door had a lock on it and this doesn't." "We're dead." "And if they find out... (SHUSHlNG)" "Greg?" "FRANK:" "Hey, guys!" "Hi." "Hey, Mom, Dad." "Hey, how's Manny?" "is he feeling better?" "Poor little guy." "Yeah." "He's doing okay." "SUSAN:" "Wow." "The house looks pretty good." "I was expecting a real mess." "Oh... (sighs)" "Who ate pretzels on the rug?" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "So..." "Who came over this weekend?" "(laughing) What?" "Nobody." "You said nobody, Dad." "No means no, right?" "Yeah, yeah." "Good boy." "So, you guys just hung out?" "Had a good time together, huh?" "Yeah, actually." "You know, I never thought I'd admit this, but we had a pretty good time together." "really?" "Yeah." "Surprised me, too." "So you just worked it all out by yourselves?" "Yeah, I guess. I don't know." "Mom, don't make a big deal about it." "please, just..." "Okay." "Okay." "But nothing..." "Nothing makes me happier than to see you two being friends." "Right, Frank?" "Hmm?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay, Iet's go upstairs." "(SlNGSONG) Time for a nappy." "(EXHALES)" "FRANK:" "Hey!" "What the..." "You guys got something you want to tell me?" "No." "What was general Grant doing on the thermostat?" "l have no idea." "No idea." "No idea, huh?" "Don't..." "These..." "These are off limits!" "No touch!" "They are not toys." "They're figurines!" "I can't... (whispering) We have to keep them away from the bathroom." "For the next 1 0 years?" "Listen to me." "No matter what they ask you, no matter how hard they push, deny, deny, deny." "Even if they figure it out, never ever admit to anything." "Deny, deny, deny." "Got it?" "Got it." "Deny, deny, deny." "It sounds to me like, "Lie, Iie, Iie."" "I kind of wish you hadn't told me." "Don't you understand?" "Rodrick isn't beating me up anymore." "But how are they not going to notice that the lock's gone?" "please." "They're like 40." "They can barely remember our names." "Hi, Greg!" "I've returned from halfway around the world." "And I see that you're even further than that from holly hills." "I guess your unappeaIing older brother was right about you." "You have no game." "GREG:" "You know what?" "I liked Chirag a whole lot better when he was in India." "Man, I sure do miss Chirag." "I wonder when he's coming back." "It's almost like I can feel his presence." "What are you talking about?" "Here I am!" "Did you just hear something?" "(kids laughing)" "No." "Nothing." "well, better get to class." "Chirag would've wanted it that way." "(kids laughing)" "BOY:" "Good one, Greg." "You may be able to dominate me physically, Greg HeffIey, but mentally, I am the more muscular!" "GREG:" "It is officially on." "Hey, RowIey." "Hey." "Does he know about the D-O-R-E?" "Huh?" "The door!" "Yeah." "Don't worry." "I already told him, deny, deny, deny." "Hi, RowIey!" "What's new, huh?" "(stuttering)" "Okay." "(whispering)" "FRANK:" "Hey, wasn't there a lock on this door?" "I must be losing my marbles." "(ALL sigh in relief)" "Oh. I can't take this pressure. I'm leaving." "Okay, everybody, dinnertime!" "actually, Mom, I have to skip dinner." "Why?" "I've got the most important meeting of my Iife tonight." "Did you say you have a meeting?" "Yeah." "Like, for like a job?" "Yeah." "Kind of." "I'm meeting with the best guitarist in plainview." "Now he's in between bands, and if I can get him into Löded Diper, then winning the talent show is a lock." "I mean, you'd Iike him, Dad." "He's a real professional, Iike you." "FRANK:" "Mmm-hmm." "Be supportive." "(banging ON DOOR)" "That's him. I'II get that!" "Oh, man, I barely made it here." "Your address has so many numbers!" "AII right, bill, we should..." "bill:" "Whoa!" "Do I smell pot roast?" "Oh!" "Mmm." "GREG:" "bill got voted "Most likely to Be a Rock Star" when he was in high school." "BOY:" "You suck!" "That hasn't really worked out." "We should be going..." "Sit." "So, bill," "Rodrick tells me that you're a professional musician." "So that means that you earn enough to make a living?" "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah." "well, enough if you live in your parents' basement. (LAUGHS)" "My parents are really supportive." "Respect your parents, boys!" "Hey!" "That's what Joshie says!" "Shh!" "So..." "lt doesn't sound like a cakewalk, right?" "No." "FRANK:" "Why don't you tell Rodrick?" "Give him a picture ofjust how challenging it can really be." "No, it's really hard." "First of all, there's no home-cooked meals like this." "What?" "really?" "Yeah, yeah!" "No, on the road, it's all burgers and fries and pizza." "Then you got to deal with the fans, especially the girls." "No, it's definitely not for everyone." "But... lf you Iike rocking deep into the night and partying hard all day" "then it might be the life for you." "lt's definitely for me." "ROWLEY:" "It does sound fun." "But what if you don't play a musical instrument?" "Löded Diper always needs roadies." "So you're joining the band?" "Yeah, brother!" "l'm in." "Let's rock!" "Yeah!" "(bill cheering)" "(cheering)" "I think I might have brought too much stuff." "Let's see how many views our video's got." "It's got to be thousands." "Maybe millions!" "Four?" "We only got four lousy hits?" "Greg, I can't lie to your parents about the party. I never lie." "Joshie says a lie hurts everyone." "Guess who wanted to join the big boy sIeepover!" "Bubby, RowIey!" "Mom, no, he'II ruin it!" "He just wanted to come in and say hi to RowIey." "AII right?" "And RowIey's mother brought over some healthy snacks and DVDs that she thought were appropriate." "Enjoy your granola bars, boys." "(ROWLEY sighs)" "Andy's Magic Cushion." "Let's start with that." "Or should we watch The Foot?" "What if she comes back in and asks about the party?" "You need to relax." "How about a healthy snack?" "(GREG sighs)" "We shouldn't be here." "We can'tjust let ourselves into a stranger's home." "The place is empty." "Nobody's going to mind." "(WOMAN GASPS)" "MAN:" "Oh." "Look at his face." "WOMAN:" "What happened to his foot?" "It sounded like someone was hopping." "I'm telling you, it's nothing." "It's just your imagination." "(exclaims)" "Did you just kick me?" "(THUMPlNG)" "(SHRlLL SCREAM)" "(GROANS)" "You know, you really need to cut your toenails." "What was that?" "(SCREAMS)" "Turn it off!" "Turn it off!" "Okay." "only 'cause you're scared." "(BOTH panting)" "Let's just go to sleep." "ROWLEY:" "I wish we had watched Andy's Magic Cushion." "I Iove this movie, Frank." "Don't you just love this movie?" "He picked the housekeeper over the supermodel?" "(SNlCKERlNG) I know." "(ROWLEY screaming) lt's got me!" "The foot has got me!" "(BOTH screaming)" "Greg, is there something you want to say to RowIey and his father?" "I'm sorry for choosing an inappropriate movie for the sleepover." "At least nobody got hurt this time." "I'm a little birdy. I'm a little birdy!" "(crashing)" "(GRUNTlNG) My knee bone." "What?" "Mommy, look." "Mommy is looking." "Mommy's looked a thousand times!" "Mommy just needs to go to the potty for one minute, okay?" "No!" "No!" "SUSAN:" "What the heck?" "Where's the lock?" "Wait." "Rodrick, could you come here, please?" "What happened to the lock?" "l don't know what you're talking about." "There was a lock on this door." "Um... (LAUGHS) I don't think so." "Rodrick, I've lived in this house for 1 0 years." "I've locked that door 1 0,000 times because sometimes it's my only moment of privacy of the day." "l know there was a lock on that door." "There wasn't." "Trust me." "Greg has walked in on me a million times." "And if there was a lock, I would use it." "In fact, maybe you should put one on." "So that's your story." "There was never a lock and you have no idea what I'm talking about." "Yes." "Fine. I'II just go ask your brother the same thing." "(WHlMPERS)" "Greg?" "Two words." "Bathroom door." "It was Rodrick!" "He made me!" "It was his idea." "He had the party!" "Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!" "I knew it. I knew it." "No, Mom, wait!" "I was exaggerating a little bit." "It wasn't a party. lt was a band rehearsal for the talent show." "That's all it was." "We said nobody could come over." "He knew the rules." "Yeah, but, Mom, if you punish him, Rodrick's gonna know I told on him." "We really had a good time this weekend." "But if you do this," "Rodrick and I will never, ever be friends again." "The idea that one day my kids won't get to know their uncle Rodrick?" "Or have any family holidays?" "You two really have been getting along better this week, haven't you?" "Yeah." "We really have." "(sighs)" "(exclaims)" "Okay, if... lf l let this slide," "and be our little secret for the sake of the family, and for your relationship with your brother, do you swear to be on your best behavior and get along?" "I swear. I swear." "Okay." "(sighs in relief)" "You didn't buckle." "Deny, deny, deny, right?" "You know..." "You may not be half as lame as I thought you were." "GREG:" "I couldn't believe it!" "Rodrick was actually trying to be nice to me." "Wow!" "You're a Mom Bucks millionaire!" "Where'd you get these?" "Thrift shops." "There's enough in here to last me until I'm 30." "(RODRlCK GROANS) lt's about time, little bro, that you learn the secrets to an easy life." "rule number one, don't be good at something you don't want to do." "Guys!" "Use clean rags, not..." "Just give me that!" "I'II do it myself." "rule number two, always lower Mom and Dad's expectations." "Hey, I took a math test today" "and I'm pretty sure I flunked it." "Oh, Greg!" "But I got it back, and look!" "I got a C minus." "well, at Ieast you didn't fall." "rule number three, never do something when someone else can do it for you." "(exclaims)" ""1 00 Years Ago." l remember that assignment." "Why write a new one when there's a perfectly good paper already written by your brother?" "lsn't that cheating?" "lsn't Mr. Draybick cheating by handing out the same assignment every year?" "New binder." "Teachers dig binders." "GREG:" "The thing was," "Rodrick had managed to get my dad to do all his homework for the past five years." "Which one's the space bar again?" "Just let me do it, okay?" "Okay." "I would never actually hand in a paper Rodrick wrote." "But my dad?" "That's a different story." "So that's just three of the things Rodrick has taught me." "He has a Iot of cool tips." "I'm not sure Rodrick's tips are really that cool." "Okay, so the invisible Chirag joke is still going, and the whole school is in on it." "But it looks like Chirag's discovered our weakness." "hello, Greg, RowIey." "still pretending I'm invisible, I presume." "(whispers) I don't know if I can do this." "(whispers) Stay strong." "What is this?" "A corn dog." "RowIey's aII-time favorite lunch delicacy." "If you say you can see me, RowIey, it is all yours." "Mmm." "smell that buttermilk batter." "girl 1 :" "You got him, Chirag." "(ROWLEY GRUNTlNG)" "Resist it." "girl 2:" "Don't do it, RowIey." "Hey, everyone, look!" "There's a floating corn dog." "(ALL laughing)" "I don't want to get ahead of myself or anything, but I think I may have class clown in the bag for dreaming this one up." "(HONKlNG) ln conclusion, without last century's technological advances, there would be no computers, cell phones, or modern medical miracles." "And so for that, we salute and thank our ancestors from 1 00 years ago." "Thank you, holly." "That was excellent work." "I think we have time for one more." "I have to say that when I read this paper I was a bit surprised by its content." "But more than any other, this one deserves to be read out loud." "Greg?" "Yay, Greg!" "Just read it, Greg." "AII of it." "GREG:" "Okay." ""Sometimes I sit and wonder about stuff I do not know" ""Like what the Earth was like 1 00 years ago" ""Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs?" "Did flowers even grow?" ""Did spiders rule the Earth?" "Were deserts filled with snow?" ""There were no books or humans, so How were we to know" ""What life was like 1 00 years ago?"" "Loser." "Now, Greg, when we talk about how important it is to recycle, we don't mean turning in your brother's old papers." "I thought Dad helped you with this paper." "well, actually, Dad started writing my papers because of that paper." "I Iooked like an idiot!" "And the girl from the roller rink?" "She laughed at me." "Ouch!" "Just do something that changes her opinion of you." "Like, set a firecracker off in the classroom." "Boom!" "Chicks dig bad boys." "well, actually I was thinking about writing her a note." "You mean like one with words on it?" "l've got it all figured out." "I'm gonna pass her a note with a question on it, but it'll be anonymous." "She'll be like, "I have to know who wrote this."" "Then later, I'll walk up to her and ask her the exact same question." "It'II blow her mind." "(whispers) A note?" "Do you want me to spell check it?" "(whispers) Just pass it to holly." "To holly." "(sighs)" "(MOUTHlNG) Thank you." "(whispers) lt's from Greg." "What's going on?" "Greg HeffIey is passing me notes!" "No, I wasn't." ""How do you get your hair to smell so beautiful?"" "(ALL laughing)" "(sniffs)" "GREG:" "Okay." "The note was a minorsetback, but at least things are still going well with Rodrick." "It's amazing but I'm actually enjoying watching Löded Diper rehearse for the talent show." "bill's taken the band to a whole new level." "(echoing) Somebody farted." "I got one. I got one. I got a good one." "I got a good one." "(echoing) Somebody farted." "My dad should be happy that I'm hanging out with Rodrick." "But I don't think he really likes Bill." "I think what he's worried about is I'll turn out like Rodrick," "Manny'll turn out like me, and, eventually, we'll all turn out like Bill." "Rock and roll!" "Rock on." "Yeah." "HOLLY:" "Dear Greg, meet me in the art room before lunch." "There's something I want to ask you." "Kiss, kiss." "Holly." "Hi, holly!" "I was glad to get your note." "I've been wanting a chance to talk to you." "And, hey, you Iike to paint." "I'm kind of an artist myself." "holly?" "Ha!" "(GASPS) Chirag?" "You see me now, don't you?" "Game, set and match to Chirag Gupta!" "(panting)" "Hi, holly." "Hi, FregIey." "She thinks I'm FregIey?" "That's got to hurt." "(sighs)" "(CHATTERlNG)" "Want to see my secret freckIe?" "BOTH:" "Ew!" "(laughing)" "So the note to the girl didn't work out?" "AII right." "Let's go." "little bro, I am taking you out." "And here are my other men." "Greg, Rodrick, I'd Iike you to meet my editors, Mr. SaIz and Mrs. Kohan." "Hey." "hello." "Nice to meet you." "hello." "Where you boys off to?" "Just taking the little brother out for the evening." "He could use a good time." "Okay, well, be safe." "And be home by 9:00." "Yeah." "See you!" "Bye." "Bye." "Have fun!" "Good night." "Now that is impressive." "My older boy wants nothing to do with his younger brothers." "MRS. KOHAN:" "You certainly practice what you preach." "I think every mother in town should read your column." "Thanks." "Mom would kill us if she saw us eating this." "(BOTH moaning)" "(slurping)" "(groaning)" "Brain freeze!" "Brain freeze!" "AII I can say is, get ready to have your mind blown." "We are going to have an epic night." "(groaning)" "Are you okay?" "(RETCHlNG)" "(LAUGHS) Fake vomit." "You can't beat the classics." "Yeah." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Here he comes." "(SCREAMS)" "(panting)" "Okay." "Very funny!" "Very funny." "GREG:" "This is sweet!" "l told you." "(exclaims in disgust)" "(SCREAMS)" "So, you know that girl who I sent the note to?" "Yeah?" "She thinks I'm FregIey." "(laughing) Oh, man!" "I mean, hey, don't take it hard." "girls act like they're not into you when they really are." "I mean, tons of girls act like they're not into me, but they are." "I know they are. I bet she really likes you." "(FOOTSTEPS)" "(whispers) Check it out." "Check it out." "Whoa!" "(RODRlCK laughing)" "Who's out there?" "No way." "Coach MaIone?" "real funny, yeah?" "Oh, yeah!" "well, you just messed with the wrong athlete!" "Move." "Move!" "MALONE:" "Show yourself!" "Go, go!" "You want to take me on?" "Yeah?" "You want to take me on?" "You better bring your A game, 'cause I am a competitor!" "Come on!" "MALONE:" "You will come out!" "You know I'm going to find you!" "help!" "Come on." "Something tickIes." "(screaming)" "RODRlCK:" "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "(YELLS)" "(GREG WHlMPERlNG)" "MALONE:" "You can't outrun me!" "I'm a superstar!" "RODRlCK:" "Go, go, go, go!" "MALONE:" "Everywhere you go, it's me!" "(RODRlCK SHRlEKS) -(MALONE GRUNTlNG)" "Stupid carbs!" "There's the mail!" "Come on." "l can't go much further!" "(GREG panting)" "(panting)" "(GROWLS)" "Got you!" "(PEOPLE murmuring)" "WOMAN:" "Coach MaIone?" ""You can't outrun me!" "I'm a superstar!"" ""Everywhere you go, it's me!"" "Come on." "Oh, you boys are five minutes early." "Did you have a good time?" "A great time." "That is so sweet." "I just can't get over how well your boys get along." "well, Larry, we run a pretty tight ship around here." "It's all about boundaries, rules." "Anyway, Iet me show you some of those civil War re-enactment photos I was telling you about." "So, what did you boys do?" "(STUTTERS) Just hung out at the mail." "And talked about life." "Nothing special." "Oh, my God." "Rodrick?" "Can you explain what you're doing in this photo?" "That's not me." "That's not you?" "Nope." "Okay." "How about these?" "I can't believe that you had a party!" "Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids, a band rehearsal!" "Wait, Susan, you knew about this?" "Yes." "Yes, I knew." "You told Mom?" "l knew they had a party!" "lt slipped out, but I took it back!" "My instincts told me you weren't being honest!" "l should've trusted my instincts." "FRANK:" "Wait!" "You knew about this, but you didn't tell me about it?" "I still protected you!" "l threw Mom off your scent!" "Great job." "She has no idea!" "We are supposed to be a team against them!" "They were getting along so well l let it blind me to the truth!" "Why were you taking pictures?" "It was so crazy that morning, I forgot we took the pictures." "So I let it slide." "And I am so sorry." "Oh, God. lt feels so good to get that out." "I haven't been able to look at that bathroom door for two weeks!" "I knew that door had a lock on it!" "And everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!" "We're just gonna let ourselves out." "I wouldn't write a column about this." "(DOOR CLOSES) I'm going upstairs!" "To a bathroom that has a lock on it and no one can tell me that it doesn't." "I have to go talk to your father." "I will deal with you boys later." "Rodrick, I really didn't tell her!" "I mean maybe, sort of, but I made a deal with her, and we had a really good time, and..." "You're my brother, but you'II never be my friend." "(SUSAN BREATHES DEEPLY)" "Your father and I have talked and we've decided on your punishment." "Greg, you're grounded for two weeks." "also, no video games for two weeks." "Rodrick, you may only drive to and from school for the next month." "As the ringleader, you are also grounded for a month." "Mom, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again." "I know you won't." "And to make sure we're also not allowing you to perform in the talent show." "What?" "No." "You can't do that." "Ground me for a year, I don't care, but you have to let me play in that show." "This could be my big break." "l'm sorry." "Dad?" "Come on." "This isn't fair." "I just got bill in the band!" "actually, Rodrick, that doesn't help your case." "bill's kind of a jerk." "Our decision is final." "(whispers) You are so dead!" "GREG:" "Things have neverbeen worse." "Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at my grandpa's boring retirement community." "Holly Hills thinks I'm Fregley, and my relationship with Rodrick is at an aII-time Iow." "So he's made it his mission to ruin my Iife." "Quit it!" "Why don't you tell Mom?" "You're good at that." "Grandpa doesn't like TV." "Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel." "I should be rehearsing right now." "please, Grandpa." "please, can we watch a real TV show now?" "TV is just a bunch of fakers." "This is real life." "lt's real life." "You can't beat it." "(GREG sighs)" "How's about we all go down to the games room?" "You boys like games, don't you?" "The games room sounds fun until you realize that all the games in there are from, like, the 1800s." "My grandpa's favorite is a really old board game called Gutbusters." "Now, remember, the object of the game is to read the joke card and all the other players have to try not to laugh." "(SNlCKERS) Good luck!" "There are some real rib-tickIers in there!" "Yeah." "You go first." ""Putting economic policy before fiscal responsibility" ""is like putting the cart before the horse."" "(laughing)" "That is hilarious, Grandpa!" "Read another one, Greg." "I'm going to go change my shirt." "Hi!" "Oh, hi, holly." "What are you doing here?" "I'm visiting my grandma." "She just moved here." "I'm on Grandpa duty." "Listen, Greg, I'm really sorry for calling you FregIey the other day." "I don't know what happened." "I think it's the Greg and Freg part, my brain just flipped." "You called me FregIey?" "I had no idea." "really?" "Not really." "I heard it. lt was pretty rough." "But don't worry, I have the rest of middle school to get over it." "What happened to your shirt?" "Oh, my brother spit milk on me." "Let me guess, he was pretending to laugh at something that wasn't actually funny." "How did you know?" "It's in the older sibling Handbook." "Last week, my older sister put hair remover in my shampoo." "If I hadn't smelled something, I'd be completely bald by now!" "Why would she do that?" "Duh!" "'Cause she's my sister." "It's part of the deal." "You fight and then you get over it." "Not my brother." "He hates me and he'II never get over it." "Of course he will." "He has to." "He's your brother." "I also have a little sister who's spoiled rotten." "tell me about it!" "My little brother ruins all my stuff, and somehow I'm the one who ends up getting in trouble for it." "Doesn't that drive you nuts?" "(GREG SCOFFS)" "GRANDMA hills:" "holly!" "Time for dinner!" "I got to go." "It was cool hanging out with you." "I'II look for you tomorrow, Greg." "See you later, FregIey." "GREG:" "I thought being at Grandpa's was a punishment but, really, it was destiny that Holly was here, too." "My luck had finally changed." "(RODRlCK snoring)" "RODRlCK: (reading) "l've never believed in fate, or destiny, or whatever, until now." ""Things are finally starting to go my way!"" "Rodrick, be quiet." "talk on the phone someplace else." ""l thought being at Grandpa's was a punishment" ""but, really, it was destiny that holly was here, too." ""My luck had finally changed."" "Aww!" "(LAUGHS)" "Give it back, Rodrick!" "This stuff is priceless!" "No way." "Come on." "Give it back!" "You know what?" "I will give it back." "To holly!" "Wait till she reads this garbage!" "(this is WAR playing)" "(singing) I don't even want to go" ""l can't believe my luck!" ""l finally got holly all to myself without Chirag, or anyone else!"" "(laughing)" "Give it back, Rodrick!" "Give it back." "No way." "Always stuck in a daydream" "Can't focus on the other team" "Hunted you all day and night" "Now I'm ready for a fight" "This is war" "Yeah, yeah, yeah" "This is war" "Yeah, yeah, yeah" "This is war" "(GASPS)" "'Cause I got to knock you out" "Whoop!" "(WOMAN shrieks)" "Oh!" "(RODRlCK laughing)" "(GASPS)" "(singing) They say that you're the best" "You gotta follow all the rest" "This is war" "Yeah, yeah, yeah" "Record, record, record." "This is war" "Yeah, yeah, yeah" "This is war" "I can't be your friend" "'Cause I gotta knock you out" "(panting)" "(WOMAN coughing)" "I'm in the ladies'?" "(SCREAMS)" "WOMAN:" "Peeping Tom!" "There's a Peeping Tom in there!" "Peeping Tom!" "There's a Peeping Tom in there!" "Let's get him!" "What do you think you are doing in there?" "We'II come in and get you!" "Take that, you Peeping Tom!" "WOMAN 1 :" "Let's get him!" "WOMAN 2:" "Get out of here!" "WOMAN 3:" "Stop that pervert!" "WOMAN 4:" "The little whippersnapper!" "I've got him!" "I've got him!" "WOMAN 5:" "Shame on you!" "WOMAN 6:" "I've got him in a headlock!" "I'm not the Peeping Tom!" "l'm not the Peeping Tom!" "WOMAN 1 :" "Where'd he go?" "(panting)" "(exclaims in disgust)" "WOMAN 7:" "Did he just come out of the ladies' room?" "(sighs in relief)" "RODRlCK:" "Hey, Greg!" "What's new?" "Huh?" "GREG:" "well, my Iife is officially over." "Now that Rodrick has that tape of me running around in my underwear, he basically owns me." "(GREG groaning)" "The day of the talent show came around and Mom and Dad made us both go." "Something about supporting the community, or whatever." "ROWLEY:" "Scotty!" "Come on!" "Scotty!" "Come on!" "You don't wanna let the magic fans down, do you?" "SCOTTY:" "Go away!" "RowIey, what's wrong?" "My assistant, Scotty, got stage fright and now he doesn't want to do the show." "Maybe Greg would help out." "He can be your assistant." "What?" "No way!" "What?" "RowIey is your best friend." "This is important to him." "You need to do this." "It's okay, Mrs. HeffIey." "Greg is just afraid that holly hills will think less of him." "GREG:" "RowIey." "Mom, can we talk in private?" "Sure." "Scotty, please." "Look..." "Who's this holly hills?" "ls she your girlfriend?" "No!" "She's just some girl who happens to be a friend who I don't want to be humiliated in front of." "I see your point." "So is this holly in your class?" "Mom!" "Okay." "Here we go." "So, are you going to make me do it?" "ROWLEY:" "please, Scotty." "No." "No, I get it. I get it." "Can you at Ieast point her out to me?" "Okay, okay, I'II stop." "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to PIainview's Most talented!" "And without further ado, Ms. Patty Farrell!" "(MEMORY playing)" "(singing) Memory All alone in the moonlight" "I can smile at the old days" "I was beautiful then" "Wow, she's really good." "I remember the time" "I knew what happiness was" "Let the memory live again" "Touch me" "It's so easy to leave me" "All alone with the memory" "Of my days in the sun" "If you touch me... (whispers) Greg, she's cute." "She's super cute." "Mom!" "Look, a new day" "Has begun" "(audience applauding)" "Oh, thank you!" "Say hello to the boys and girls, Freggers." "hello, boys and girls!" "I Iove you." "And tonight, when you are all fast asleep I'm going to crawl through your window and give you all a big hug!" "(crying)" "Hey, you could do that." "Right?" "Yeah." "(SUSAN sighs)" "(YANKEE DOODLE DANDY PLAYING)" "A real live nephew of my uncle Sam" "I was born on the 4th of July" "I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart" "She's my Yankee doodle joy" "Yankee doodle came to..." "You can't go on without me." "I started Löded Diper. I'm the backbone!" "well, we got a new backbone now, dude." "(LAUGHS)" "This guy." "That's rock and roll, bro." "Did you guys see the audience?" "Oh, man!" "It's huge." "This roIIer-skating kid is really good!" "Don't you think... (BLATHERlNG)" "(SUSAN GASPS)" "Greg!" "Where have you been?" "I've been looking all over for you." "Mom, you need to let Rodrick play in the talent show tonight." "Greg, we've been over this." "He needs to Iearn a lesson." "His band is playing without him, and it's not fair." "And I'm sure that's very hard on him, but I can't go back on the punishment." "Mom." "Yes?" "You let Rodrick play in the talent show, I'II do the magic thing with RowIey." "really?" "You'd do that?" "You'II be RowIey's partner, even though you said it's totally embarrassing and humiliating?" "You're willing to do that just so your brother can play?" "Yes." "Come here." "I mean, how bad can it be?" "(ALL exclaiming)" "(audience MURMURlNG)" "ROWLEY: (whispers) Scotty was right." "There's a Iot of people out there." "Just start with your opening trick, Iike you rehearsed at home." "Forget about all the people." "Go." "(EXHALES)" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I am the remarkable RowIey, (TlMlDLY) master of illusion." "And joining me onstage is my faithful assistant, Scotty." "Greg!" "(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)" "Greg." "Who looks a little cold." "Maybe he needs a scarf." "(ALL laughing)" "Ew!" "Don't put them on me!" "They're still wet!" "(ALL laughing)" "Sorry, Greg." "Here's a peace offering." "(ALL exclaiming)" "fly." "fly away." "Be free, little friend." "(audience GASP)" "Oh." "Oh." "That thing's dead." "(WHlMPERS) I think I had him in my pocket too long." "(BOTH GASP)" "No hard feelings?" "(audience laughing)" "Keep going." "We're a hit!" "And now, for my grand finale, the saw-the-Iady-in-haIf trick!" "If you will." "(whispers) Push out the feet." "(whispers) Okay." "No trap doors." "No chance of escape." "I will now miraculously saw Greg in half." "Wait." "Forget it!" "I want out!" "What are you doing?" "This is the showstopper!" "Good, then stop!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the remarkable RowIey!" "And Greg the Great!" "That should have been me!" "We killed." "And I didn't have to die!" "It was even better than it was in the rehearsals." "Hi." "Can I have your autograph?" "Sure." "Sure." "Your performance was pathetic, Greg HeffIey!" "only a moron would find humor in bird poop!" "(DOVE COOlNG)" "You stupid bird!" "(PATTY GRUNTS angrily)" "Oh, my gosh." "You guys did great." "That was really funny." "The unitard or the performance?" "Both." "Thank you, thank you!" "Thank you." "Just do your best, honey." "Oh, um... (sighs)" "Can I borrow your eyeliner?" "Yeah." "Looks like you guys made up." "We're brothers." "Please welcome to the stage" "Löded Diper!" "Oh, yeah!" "RODRlCK:" "Mom, go!" "Get off the stage!" "(ROCK BEAT playing)" "BAND MEMBERS:" "We are Löded Diper!" "(screaming)" "(singing) You told us we were losers" "And we can't do nothing right" "You said we'd never make it" "Butjust look at us tonight" "Exploded Diper" "All over the place!" "Exploded Diper" "In your face" "Exploded Diper" "We can't be stopped" "Exploded Diper" "Your head is gonna pop" "Exploded Diper" "You can't keep us down" "We're gonna hit the fan" "And rock this sleepy town" "(audience cheering)" "BEN:" "Get up, all you haters!" "Dude, they love us!" "No hard feelings, right, bro?" "Hey, bill, you know what?" "When we're done tonight, you're out of the band." "What?" "That's rock and roll, bro." "BOY 1 :" "Löded" "BOY 2:" "Diper" "Come here." "Look." "Dad?" "Are we going to tell them that the audience went crazy for Mom's weird dancing?" "He's happy." "She's happy." "I say we keep this one between the two of us, okay?" "Exploded Diper" "It's us, the Diper And yes, we rock" "Exploded Diper" "So, I just wanted to say that you getting Mom to let me play last night was really cool." "Yeah, well, I kind of owed you." "Oh, and here." "The tape?" "You're giving it to me?" "Hey!" "Don't make a big deal about it or I'II post it on YouTube, okay?" "(BRAKES SCREECH)" "Now get out." "Doofus." "Okay." "Later." "Butt-brain!" "You know, I guess having a big brother isn't all that bad." "Maybe we don't always get along, but I know he's gonna be there for me." "Hey, I just spilled grape juice on the couch and kind of blamed it on you." "Later." "(GREG sighs)" "I'II get him back." "Action!" "(GASPS)" "(GRUNTlNG)" "(GRUNTS)" "(BOTH yelling)" "(whooping)" "(audience applauding)" "(singing) Exploded Diper" "All over the place!" "Exploded Diper" "GREG:" "Okay, it's uploaded." "In your face" "Exploded Diper" "ROWLEY:" "holy cow." "This is huge!" "We're an Internet sensation!" "RODRlCK:" "Greg!" "You are so dead!" "Exploded Diper"