"That was smelly!" "dali Terrance." "This is probably the best episode they've ever done!" "I know." "This is awesome!" "I'm so happy." "Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages." "It's that super sad Sarah McLachlan commercial." "Look away!" "It's the saddest commercial ever." "Don't watch!" "These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine." "Their mothers have abandoned them." "with nobody to hold them." "273)}– That's so sad!" "– Why do they have to put this on TV?" "lonely and hopeless." "and I was famous for two months. and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them." "Won't you volunteer today?" "Look at these pictures." "They need you." "273)}– Dude!" "– God!" "Go to you local hospital now." "Here are some more pictures." "I can't take it anymore." "I gotta go volunteer." "It's a really great thing you're doing." "We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care." "What exactly can I do to help?" "play with them." "You'll find they're so hungry for attention." "Here's our crack baby ward now." "but we don't have a lot of funding." "It's so sad." "right over here." "We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies. because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up." "273)}– What are you doing here?" "– I'm volunteering." "273)}– What are you doing here?" "– I'm volunteering my time." "Young Eric has been here everyday for the past two weeks." "Bless his heart." "273)}– Why do you have a video camera?" "– I'm volunteering!" "Sarah McLachlan touched my heard." "Is that so hard to believe?" "nurse Williams." "See you tomorrow." "can I come back in just a little bit?" "unfortunately." "What's going on?" "Crap." "You caught us." "I admit we aren't doing volunteer work." "what are you doing?" "What if I were to tell you and give them a future as well?" "what is it?" "Crack baby basketball." "Don't tell on us!" "We could really use you." "Why do you need me?" "Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping." "Dammit." "Wait..." "Hold on." "273)}– I knew it was something terrible." "– What's terrible?" "and we put it up on the Internet." "273)}– Who cares?" "– Lots of people will when I tell them." "000 in eleven days." "273)}– You what?" "– Ask the guys." "and all we do is pit the babies against each other with little ball of crack." "000?" "and it doesn't hurt them at all." "We're swimming in cash." "Let me take you out to Denny's." "It's Baconalia time." "After you." "There's a big wait to sit down." "We have your table waiting." "Come on." "We started with two crack babies and a camera." "000 hits a day." "Jesus Christ!" "273)}– It's awesome." "– It's the good life." "We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials." "273)}– Every single night!" "– Look at the menu." "bacon meatloaf." "They even have a bacon sundae for desert." "We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport. 000 for the video game rights." "We've got a flow of athletes that never dries up." "so it's tax free." "Put your office right here." "looking up at you." "And it actually helps the crack babies." "but we just make a little on the side." "Somebody's gotta eat all that bacon." "Might as well be us." "Welcome to the firm." "Go long!" "I want you to have this." "plus $30 interest." "Really?" "I got a job." "I am making tons of money doing some really cool stuff." "Doing what?" "Crack baby basketball." "273)}– Dude." "– It's not like it sounds." "Check it out!" "We just video the babies fighting over a ball full of crack." "It's really getting popular." "because the crack babies had nothing before." "because everyone wins." "You see that?" "Two million hits!" "Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's?" "273)}– Betsy Macintosh?" "– What do you want?" "We heard about you through the sobriety clinic." "They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again?" "God!" "We need to speak with you." "It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet until I use again." "Am I correct that you are eight and a half months pregnant and still addicted to cocaine? but I can't stop!" "I have some exciting news." "We would like your child to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association." "The what?" "St. Mary's is the best hospital for your child." "We're prepared to offer it a full ride." "or so deformed you won't be able tell?" "They said it's a boy." "and he'll be playing ball." "How much will he make?" "Nothing." "based on the rules." "You'd make money off of my child?" "That doesn't seem fair." "I don't make the rules." "I think them up and write them down." "Sign right here." "We can get things rolling..." "Can't you change the rules?" "The Crack Baby Athletic Association is a storied franchise." "It was founded over twelve days ago with a firm ethical code that strictly states benefits to players is detrimentalized to their well being." "I can't offer you or your child any cash." "offer you a little bit of crack. is that they're finally getting the attention they need. or be able to do anything." "Just because we are making money doesn't mean they aren't benefiting." "It isn't exploiting them." "They get a useful place in society." "What's unethical about that?" "You sound like Cartman." "We're not the ones that made them crack babies." "That's their mom's God damn fault." "That's what Cartman would say too." "God dammit!" "See you." "It's the easiest thing in the world." "How could you have screwed this up?" "All I asked you to do was to get Slash to play at halftime for the match up between Cedars-Sinai and DU." "273)}– We're having a hard time finding him." "– Slash is not hard to find!" "He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him!" "for Christ's sake!" "he's playing at Lakewood Mall!" "You guys get down there..." "The president of EA Sports is calling." "Just go!" "how are you?" "We're very excited about our deal with you as well." "We know the video game version will be a big hit too." "273)}– Have a seat." "– I need to talk to you." "Can I call you back?" "Our company accountant needs me." "He is Jewish." "Thanks. but we don't pay the crack babies." "It's against the rules." "But we could make a million dollars." "We have to give them a piece of that." "Crack babies cannot receive compensation of any kind." "But they're the ones risking injury." "What should I do?" "Find a step ladder and risk my safety to change the rules?" "273)}– The government could come after us." "– We're a non-profit company." "were did the $800 from selling an ad to Payless ShoeSource go?" "To things we need to keep the office running." "A hot tub?" "It's not just a hot tub." "Taste it." "Go ahead." "273)}– Gravy?" "– Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy." "273)}– No way." "– A hot tub full of KFC gravy." "Did you think you'd see that in your lifetime? to be as stress-free and clear-headed as possible." "McDonald's French fries and KFC gravy." "The French call this "poutine." "But we can't license our games and pay the crack babies nothing." "273)}– Slavery is illegal." "– It's not illegal." "I'll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it." "What other companies?" "A representative from another prestigious institution is here." "A what?" "Send him in." "sir!" "The name is Eric P. Cartman." "I'm a well respected owner in the slave trade." "In the what?" "what a wonderful office you got yourself here!" "don't you?" "then." "I'm also in the slave trade." "I find myself in a little quandary with legal issues." "Was wondering if you could share some secrets." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "You have some mighty strong looking workers." "I'd be willing to offer you $40 for two a the white ones and 50 for the blacks." "Are you referring to our student athletes?" "Student athletes." "That is brilliant! how do we get around paying for our slaves... then?" "There are good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid." "I ain't arguing!" "right?" "and we have no desire to own slaves." "because..." "Right!" "Of course you don't have desire to own slaves." "Neither do I." "And if there was any government agency they should know that we're not talking about slave ownership at all!" "273)}– How do you get around it?" "– Get out!" "This is a prestigious university." "I am not saying one more word to you!" "You think you can do anything because you're an university?" "This country was founded on the ideals that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves while the rest of us wallow in poverty!" "sir." "I'm going home." "crack baby basketball is popular." "Somebody's going to do it. so that I can steer things in a direction that's more beneficial to the actual crack babies." "isn't it?" "What do you do except lay there and think about school or what you wanna watch on TV tomorrow?" "Skippy." "The world isn't always black and white!" "Just because some people are born poorer doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken." "McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of KFC gravy?" "It happens to be called "poutine" in Montreal!" "How hard can it be?" "and you offer him a deal!" "We must have missed him." "then at Flatiron's mall." "because he's in Colorado Springs and in the gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon." "How can Slash be in Colorado Springs and Moscow at the same time?" "We don't know." "He's everywhere." "right? then you have Slash's home address!" "That's a good idea." "It's a good idea." "Go us get Slash for halftime!" "Jesus Christ!" "Are we the only two intelligent people in this entire company?" "I've been doing a lot of thinking about how to spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal." "We are going to use 30% of the money to build an orphanage for the crack babies." "I've designed it to be the best place for them to live." "A place they can finally have the care and happiness they deserve." "I don't really care!" "my God." "It's genius!" "It's the answer to our problems!" "000 building but we buy ourselves a million dollars worth of good will with the public!" "We can say we gave our "student athletes a place to live and grow for a few years." "It's like moral Teflon!" "I knew we needed a Jew." "Great work!" "Let me get this straight." "You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives?" "It's very important." "I'm afraid I can't do that." "But we have a big deal with EA Sports that depends on it." "Come on!" "Kids write to Slash everyday." "But it all just goes into this big pile over here." "The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives is because he don't live nowhere." "Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be all those places at the same time?" "Marty!" "It's up to parents to decide when to tell their children Slash ain't real." "is Slash real or make-believe?" "dear." "Clyde's asking about Slash." "The day had to come." "The truth is Slash isn't a person." "you know?" "273)}– Slash isn't real." "– Get outta here." "Sometimes people like to pretend with make-believe characters." "he's like a..." "He's like love." "People all over the world dress up like Slash and have different names for Slash." "The Dutch call him Vunter Slaush." "He's made up and people pretend to be him to their kids." "honey?" "30% of the money we make off the licensing agreement goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies." "You saw the blueprints?" "The babies will have their own Putt-Putt golf course." "Why does it matter how much I'm making?" "why does my salary matter?" "You guys!" "We've got some bad news." "Slash isn't real." "He's a made up person that represents care and giving." "People dress up like him and lie to their kids." "look for yourself!" "He's based on a fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slaush." "Vunter Slaush?" "who played at my eighth birthday party?" "One of our parents." "who was the guitar player for Guns N' Roses?" "One of our parents!" "Are you fucking serious? and you just figured out that Slash isn't real?" "You knew?" "My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five!" "Jesus Christ." "What the heck do we do now?" "Let's just get our money from EA Sports and get out of this thing once and for all!" "I want to thank you for bringing the CBAA franchise here to EA Sports." "You've made us a lot of money!" "Wait a minute." "you now own all the rights and we get nothing." "Our lawyers are damn good." "But you didn't get nothing." "didn't you?" "You got a chance to play in the big league. but you little workers had a chance to make something of yourselves." "but it's against the rules." "You can't do this!" "We were gonna build an orphanage!" "So the crack babies have somewhere to go!" "Fuck 'em." "And fuck you too." "I piss in your faces." "I just can't believe Slash isn't real." "I know." "It's messing with my head so hard." "We've just been screwed over and lied to!" "I know." "I was always good before my birthday too because I was told Slash would come play for me. get the fuck outta my building." "It's unbelievable." "EA Sports just used us the entire time." "and EA made all the money. but making money off people who are making nothing will always cause problems." "right?" "but the really tragic thing with nowhere to go." "No way!" "273)}– This is it!" "– It's what?" "This is it!" "Just like I designed it!" "The golf course's over there!" "And the slides and... what is this place?" "Isn't it wonderful?" "All the crack babies will have a home now." "But who paid for all this?" "Look." "You don't think that..." "But he isn't real." "Maybe... or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all." "you guys."