"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Alice Heston, Richie Valentine and Mitch Ennis, as we knew them." "And to usher in a new era of sound, sensible responsibility." "And, as such, we commit these relics of their past lives to the ground." "Richie, if you would, the bongo drums." "The bongo drums." "Oh!" "The place where we hid all the drugs." "R.I.P LSD and E, rot away, MDMA and special, special K." "The contents of our drinks cabinet." "♪ Advocaat, ouzo, retsina, Bénédictine ♪" "My little black book." "All the wildly irresponsible men I've ever shagged, and who will not be around my baby." "You're throwing out all your men?" "No, it's my little black book, not my big black book." "Guys, I am just so touched." "I cannot believe you're doing all this for me." "Princess, we are with you all the way, through the back pain, the breast pain, the constipation, the dizziness." "The heartburn, the haemorrhoids, the swelling, the itching." "The leeching and bleeding, breath like death." " No, no." "Let's crack on." " What?" "Yes." "♪ Forever and ever." "Amen ♪" " All right, grenade!" " Ahh!" "Ooh!" "Pause it, pause it, pause it." "All right, are you ready?" "Uh-huh." "You go in, you take out the insurgents and you leg it." "Yep." "Keeping in tight formation and trying not to shoot the children." " God, I love you." " Yeah, let's go." "Isn't it great?" "Our really sticking to the resolution of sorting our lives out." " Oh." " Oh, they're flanking." "Ahhh!" "Right, watch out for the snipers." " Hello?" " There, there, there, left." "Oh, reload, reload." " Alice." " What?" "Hi, Mum." "Hmm." "Hey." "Made you a tea." "I'll put it here." "Richard?" "Richard!" "Oh." " How bad was it?" " Bad." "She's asking me for dinner." "It is, I quote, "A catch-up and a laugh for just us girls."" "Alice, I'm so sorry." "Oh, I've just had this worry about the whole pregnancy thing." "It probably hasn't even occurred to you," " but I'm just a bit scared in case..." " You turn into your mother." "Exactly." "Because she's just so..." "Superficially fun, but deep down destructive and manipulative." "Alice, you'll never turn into your mother." "You're genuine fun and nice." "If you were a stick of rock, it would say, "amazing" all the way through it." "If she were a stick of rock, it would say," ""Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."" "It's just..." "Most people have a planned pregnancy with one person." "I'm having an unplanned pregnancy with two and I cannot rely on my mother for anything." "I'm counting on you two for so much." "Well, I've got a surprise for you, which is gonna make you feel very supported and very happy." "Really?" "Richie, drum roll, please." "Oh!" "Ta da!" " What is it?" " The travel system." " The travel system?" " Yeah." "You said get a travel system, so here it is." "In that little box?" "I think it's quite a big box." "Oh, honey." "A travel system is a pram." "A big, posh pram with all the trimmings, bits that fold out, bits that flip down, carry cot, travel seat, nappy changer in one, that's a travel system." "What've you got in there?" "Not a satnav?" "Oh, God." "Okay, so how do I explain this to her?" "Our three-way, daddy-mummy-daddy setup." "We need the well-spun version, all right?" "It's still fundamentally true, but in which we don't come out as drug-crazed perverts." "On account of our drug-addled threesome?" "No, no, you see, it's more about the language." "We weren't..." "We weren't drug-addled we were just tired and emotional." "We didn't have a threesome, we were just..." "You know when politicians lie and they say they misspoke?" "Well, we just misfucked." "Hmm?" " Yes." " Done." " A tired and emotional misfuck?" "Yeah." " Mmm." "I mean, that will look so much better on the nursery application." " Give it time." " Useless." "All right, I know our plan was to buy a pram, but we do seem to have walked into some kind of tank shop." "I mean, this one's bigger than my first flat, and it's slightly more expensive." "Well, look, guys, whatever I do decide to tell Mum," "I'm gonna have to road test it on somebody else first." "Hello, can I help you?" "Yes." "Myself and my fiancé are looking for a pram," " for I am having a baby." " Congratulations." "Congratulations." "No." "No, no." "No, no, he's not the fiancé, I am." "I am so sorry." "Of course, you're the father." "No, no." "Actually, that'd be me." " You're the..." " Yeah." " But he's..." " He's our best friend." "I'm infertile." "Oh, I see." "So, you're like a donor?" "No, we had a threesome." "It was my birthday." "Surprise!" " 'Cause Richie's gay, normally." " Still am." "He loves being gay." "Uh-huh." "I mean, I think that's what made it such a... such a treat." "Mmm." "And to be fair, and in our defence, we were smashed off our heads on E." " Yeah." " So..." "That went well." "Yeah, I think I'm gonna wait a while before I tell Mum." " How long?" " About 18 years." "What?" "Hang on, hang on." "What am I gonna be called?" "Called what?" "About what?" "Well, you're the father, you're the mother, so what am I?" "Well, you're..." "You're..." "Well, how does it work with adopted kids?" "You got..." "You got the biological father and..." "I got it." "The love father." "Oh, love father." "The love father?" "Oh, brilliant, yeah, love father." "We're gonna have a fucked-up kid." "We can always Google it when we get home." "Have a little Google." "Stop." "Oh, I wish I could help, but I'm carrying the precious gift of life inside me." "Congratulations, mate, serious bargain you got here, eh?" "You mean cheap, don't you?" "Cheap Mitch and his cheap flat-pack furniture." "Hey, selected with love for our baby's nursery." "Thank you." "So what am I gonna tell my mother?" "Probably not best to tell her about the baby at first, breaking the bad news." " What's the bad news?" " You're marrying me." " Oh, yeah." " Oh." "And promise me, just promise me, you'll keep her at the restaurant." "You know, I don't want her coming round." "And swear to me that she will not stay over." "Well, no, she can't." "Because remember we broke the spare bed, didn't we, when we were hot desking with our sex." "Yeah, I'm still gonna put garlic around the doors though." "Hot stuff coming through." "Oh, it's Mr Michael, what a charming restaurant." "Is that the fish?" "Yeah?" "I don't eat fish." "But I can smell the wine list, that's a good start." "What the hell do you think you're doing sitting there with absolutely no champagne whatsoever?" "Waiter!" "A bottle of Veuve and two straws." "Only joking." "Not about the Veuve." " Alice." " Hey, Mum." "Oh, it's just..." "It's just I'm not really drinking at the moment." "I didn't hear that." "For you." "It's native to Tenerife." "I dug it out of the garden." "Oh, you really must come and stay, my lovely." "The villa is so beautiful." "And I know that no one has any money any more, but they just don't understand tax over there." "And the sun is always shining and the boys are so beautiful, you'd love it." "I already have a beautiful Mitch." "Mitch, that's what we'll call the cactus." "It looks a bit like him, stubbly, lumpy, limited conversation." "Only joking." "That's lovely, and the same again for her." "Only joking." "You've put on some weight, dear." "Thank you." "You say you go in." "Will you get in there?" "Get in there." "Get in there." "Get in there." "All right?" "Eh?" "All right, you're gonna help then?" "Here you are, screwdriver." "Right, screwdriver, right." "What's that do?" " It drives in screws." " Is it doing it now?" "Don't play the gay card to get out of doing anything." "Oh, oh!" "I've been plenty busy, I'll have you know, right?" "Okay?" "Lego Taj Mahal, my man." "Yes!" "It's taken me weeks." "It's David Beckham's favourite Lego set." "Hmm." "Hey, it's Lego Taj Mahal, my man, what's not to love?" "Put it on the side, something to look at." "Make a clever baby." " Hey!" "Whoa, whoa!" " Hey." "Maybe somewhere a bit more... bit more sturdy." "Yes." "Yes." "This is Lego Taj Mahal we're talking about here, my man." "It would be a crime to break that, understand me?" " Hmm?" "A crime!" " A crime." "Hmm?" "You..." "Shit." "You..." "Watch that." "I'm so glad that wasn't me." "Oh, no." " Oh, no." " What?" " Oh, no." " What?" " Oh, no." " What?" "What?" "Oh, no." "I didn't know it was there, I swear I didn't." "No, no, no." "No, no, no!" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" " Yeah." " No, no, no." "'Cause now we're only gonna have to go and drink it." "Yes." " Ah." " Ah." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Terry's Chocolate Orange counts as one of your five a day?" "No, I'm thinking I want drugs." "We can't have drugs because we buried the drugs, Richardly." "I've had an idea." "And before you start judging me, just think about it." "I'm thinking, I'm not judging." "I'm thinking, I'm not judging." "Free the drugs." "Free the drugs!" "And this is the sunset on "Los" something or other or "La" something or the other." "Here's your father, sunhat-less, lobster red and potbellied." "What an intoxicating combo." "And this is Miguel, or was it Manuel?" "Terrible waiter, every order wrong." "But with trousers that tight, you could tell..." "Swear to me that she wife' not stay over." "You drank that very quickly." "Better order another bottle." "Waiter!" "Alice." "Richie, she's got a bag." "I think it's an overnight bag." "How big is an overnight bag?" "It's not a big bag, but it's a bit big." "I'm thinking overnight." "I mean, it's easily big enough for gin and a toothbrush." "She's gone for a wee." "'Big bag, big gin." "Big bag." "Big bag, Richie." "I mean, poor Mitch, I promised him." "Hang up, hang up, hang UP..." "Shit, she's coming back." "I have to go." "She hung up." " Who the hell's Big Jim?" " Gin, gin." "I don't want to be a burden, so I was thinking, two nights with you and then I'll go to Aunty Pat's." "Oh, Mum, I only wish you could, it's just that our spare bed's broken." "There's the floor, isn't there?" "You'd sleep on the floor?" "There's Mitch and there's the floor." "No, Mum, no." "You can't have Mitch's spot." "Just stop being so..." "How's Richie?" " Or, how's Mitch?" " I'm sure he's fine." " How's Richie?" " No, Mum, ask me how Mitch is." "How's Mitch?" "Amazing." "Mum, there's something that I have to tell you." "It's really good news, uh, but the thing is, um..." "Well, the thing that we did to make the news happen is a little bit difficult to find the words to describe politely, the thing that we did." "Why don't we both get desserts, order one extra, and have ourselves a naughty, three-way splurge?" "Oh, I'm buzzing, babe." "Oh, I'm buzzing, buzzing." "I've got to do something." "I've got to do something." "Nervous energy." "Hmm." "Richie, I've got it, redemption." "How do we turn the bad thing into a good thing?" "Richie, we put up all the flat-pack furniture on drugs!" "Genius, yes!" "It's like using drugs as a force for good." "Let's do it." "Richie!" "Yes!" "Amazing." "I feel like we've been montaged." "What about all those bits?" "Uh, that's traditional." "You never need all the bits." " It's a rookie mistake to even try." " Hmm." "You are the perfect fiance, do you know that?" " Why can't I ever meet a gay you?" " Ah, you wouldn't like a gay me." "I'd love a gay you." " Maybe you could be bisexual." " No way, no way." "Ah, there's no such thing as bisexuals." "It's just a fairy tale gays tell their mothers when they first come out to give them hope." "Plus, there's all that going down on arse business." "I wouldn't fancy arse." "It's all right." "It's like Marmite." "What, you either love it or you hate it?" "No, it tastes like Marmite." "Oh." "Hey, boys, I'm home." " Shit, Alice." " Let's go." "Wasted." "Gum." "Chew gum, chew gum." "Ow." "We're calm, we're clear, we're minty." "Go, go, go." "Lorraine." "That's Lorraine." "Oh, what a surprise." "What a lovely surprise." " You see?" " Mum, stop it!" "I'm just appreciating the local flora and fauna." "Only joking." "Here." "Yeah." "Right, nobody move, I'm going to go and fix my face." "Lovely boy." " What the fucking shit of hell?" " I'm so sorry." "I couldn't tell her I was pregnant, so I thought I'd bring her back here and we can all break it to her gently, no big shocks." "I'm so sorry." "Dirty bastard!" "And just one more thing." " Me and Mitch are getting married." " Oh, for God's sake." "And a grandmother." "I can't be!" " All my friends think I'm 50." " You are 50." "What?" "Mitch, how could you be so selfish?" "Don't they teach contraception in the provinces?" "Me?" "Selfish?" "Well, for your information, Lorraine, I'm not..." "Ah, ah, ah." "I love this guy." "Why don't you go upstairs and finish tidying the nursery?" "Hmm?" "You haven't thought this through." "If he's the father of your child, I'm going to have to like him." "How could you do this to me?" " Richie?" " Hmm." "A word in the kitchen/diner." "Yeah." "Lovely!" "It's all about Richie, isn't it?" "Well, I've got news for you, Lorraine..." "What if we tell her that Mitch is the father, just for a little bit." "That's not mad, is it?" "I mean, that's not mental." "Chewing gum in the throat." "On a scale of one to oh-my-God-you-mentalist!" "I think you've hit the treble Britney." "Mum, Mitch is a hugely constructive force in our lives." "He's the glue that holds us together." "Everything he touches is better for it." "Oh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Cheap flat-pack furniture tried to kill me." "My Taj Mahal." "Oh." "I saw my life flash before my eyes and not much happened." "I'm just gonna go check on Richie." "I think he's taken it pretty hard, the fall of the Lego Taj Mahal." "Why do you hate me so much?" "Hate is a very strong word." "I prefer "intensely dislike"." "Well, this is gonna make your day, Lorraine." "I'm not the father of Alice's child, Richie is." "Thank God!" "Richie's the father." "We had a threesome, Alice's birthday." "Richie is the father." "Yeah, and that's got me thinking, so what am I, then?" "Well, and now I know." "I'm the daddy." "We'll both be the dads, Richie and me together." "And I'm marrying your daughter, who I love brighter than the Sun and the stars and the Sun again." "And if you don't like it, then there's the door, Lorraine." "There's the door." "'Cause me and Alice, we're shining." "And throw in Richie, and that is one lucky, lucky baby." "Finally, there's a proper parent in the room." "Alice, you're not ready to have a baby, you'll never cope." "I'm not having it on my own." "You're raising a child in a threesome?" "Good God, it's so Jeremy Kyle." "Actually, Lorraine, I think it could work." "With Mitch?" "I don't understand." "Just tell me, what's so great about him?" "My Mitch?" "Lorraine, Mitch is quite simply the Daddy." "And that's how I know I'm never gonna turn into my mum, 'cause we got something my mum never had, the ultimate support system." "We've got two daddies, who had whisky and drugs when they swore they wouldn't, trampled mud all over the floor, and deserve to be on their hands and knees cleaning up, don't they?" "Both daddies!" "Oh, Chuck Norris did it." "Ah, I'm allowed that one." "Guilt tripping for two now."