"This is torture." "That it is, Ducky." "That it is." "Geoffrey." "Fuck." "Okay." "Everyone is released." "Light warm-up is at seven, half-hour is at seven-thirty." "Until then, relax." "And stay by a phone." "Please." "Is it May?" "Has there been news?" "No." "It's Jack." "He isn't here." " Isn't here?" " He didn't show up for rehearsal." " We've been waiting for two hours." " Oh, God." "Maria sent everyone home." "It's a disaster." "He's upset?" "We open in eight hours, of course he's upset!" "You should just give him a few seconds." "It's just when he's upset, he has conversations with someone." "Just give him a few minutes, till he comes round or whatever." "I'll go have a cigarette." "Oliver!" "Have a coffee, too." "Cheer up, Hamlet" "Chin up, Hamlet" "Buck up, you melancholy Dane" "So your uncle is a cad who murdered Dad and married Mum" "That's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become" "So wise up, Hamlet Rise up, Hamlet" "Buck up and sing the new refrain" "Your incessant monologizing fills the castle with ennui" "Your antic disposition is embarrassing to see" "And by the way, you sulky brat, the answer is To Be" "You're driving poor Ophelia insane" "So shut up, you rogue and peasant" "Grow up, it's most unpleasant" "Cheer up, you melancholy Dane" "Slings  Arrows 1x06 Playing the Swan" "Hope he's not lying on the floor." "I can't tell ya how many of them I've found lying on the floor." "Not just the old ones, either." "Sometimes the young ones'll take too many drugs or what-have-ya..." "Well, we know he's not dead, his stuff is gone." "You don't pack your bags for an overdose." "Can you get the door, dear?" "Could be another woman." "Well, thank you for your help." "Well, if they're not dropping dead, they're leavin' ya for another woman." "I don't know why you're so mad at me." "He cracked because I pushed him too hard, and I learned that nifty little directorial approach from you!" "Oh, that's pathetic." "You pushed me, Oliver." "You pushed me and you played mental games with me, and you cajoled, you conned, you fucked my mind and my girlfriend, let's not forget that!" "The original sin." "Yes, Oliver." "You broke me." " You're being ridiculous." " Look at me!" "I'm talking to you now and you've been dead for weeks." "Look at your handiwork!" "All in the name of good theater?" "Fuck." "Well, first of all, Geoffrey, you did not push him too hard." "You were much kinder with that boy than I would've been." "If he cracked, it was probably because the play was beyond him." "No, it wasn't." "I know that." "Fine." "Secondly, all the things that you mentioned that I did to you the mental games, the manipulation... obviously that had nothing to do with good theater." " What are you saying?" " Oh, come on." "You're supposed to be so perceptive." "Honestly, you can be such a fool sometimes." "Obviously, I had issues, didn't I?" "Issues." "With you." "Are you sane?" "We're gonna have to cancel." "He might show up." "Do you think it was me?" "What?" " Did I scare him away?" " God, no." "You were more than kind." "You were the one who believed in him." "Well, then, what is it?" "Is it the play?" "Is it some kind of evil, devil play?" " Maybe it was too much for him." " That's what Oliver said!" "Please, I can't deal with that right now." "No, I don't think it was the play." "I don't." "I think it was something else, but I don't know what." "Why did you run away?" "Oh, come on." "That was an entirely different situation." "Yes, you ran away in the middle of a performance." "Not!" "Now!" "Please!" "Okay." "It was you." "Oh, come on." "You and Oliver." "And a broken heart." "Or maybe it was just my time to go mad." "I don't know." "I give up." "Give up!" "Care to join me?" "Hey, lover." "It's a beautiful day." "Jack did not show up to rehearsal." "They can't find him anywhere." "Things just keep getting brighter and brighter." " He doesn't have an understudy!" " Okay, well, you wait until showtime and then, when the theater is full, have Geoffrey make an announcement." "Holly, I wanna to talk about what we're doing here." "Everything's on track." "I'm having dinner with the Minister of Culture before the show," " and we pitch the board tomorrow." " No." "I wanna to talk about May." "Specifically." "Okay." "What about her?" " You went and saw her and now she's in a coma." " Yeah." "I saw her and when I left, she was fine." "I don't believe you." " Are you a man, Richard?" " What?" "Are you a man or are you just a little puppy-dog who does tricks for cookie-treats?" "I'm a man." "Jesus Christ!" "Then take responsibility for your actions, because, honey, that's what men do." "All right, it's just, y'know," "I think there should be boundaries, or..." "Stop slapping me!" "You're the one, honey, who's gonna come out on top, okay?" "You're the one who's gonna be running this festival, not me." "I am just a facilitator." "I do what I have to do to give you what you want." "Control." "That is what you want, isn't it, Richard?" " Yes." " That's right." "Now take off your pants." "Of course." "Oh, for Christ's sake." "O, my office is rank." "It smells to heaven." "To Oliver." "I was excited about this show, Geoffrey, I have to confess." "Even with no rehearsals and no set." "Me too." "It was very raw." "Unusual for this place." "This festival likes its theater overdone." "Fry the life out of it and smother it in sauce." "You are a good director." "Thank you." " And you are a fine actress." " Oh, really?" "It was nice not to be tarted up and shifted in and out of the light like an inflatable sheep." "I appreciated the attention." "It was, um, it was just..." "like old times." "I'm trying to give you a compliment." "Oh, sorry." "Thank you." "And I was looking forward to your Gertrude more than you will ever know." "This isn't going to be a compliment, is it?" "You two have a lot in common, you and the Wan Queen." "Like you, she is a willing victim of her own sexuality." "She lives to be an object of desire." "She's as happy with the good king as the bad king." "Doesn't matter." "The key word here, of course, is "object"." "Because once you allow yourself to be objectified, then you will be trundled in and out of light like a prop." "Or you will get caught up in someone's politics and be forced to drink from the poisoned chalice or, worst fate of all, you will be dumped by your teenaged boyfriend." "God, you're an ugly drunk." "I'm just saying, it would have been a marvelous performance." "What happened that night?" "Where did you go?" " You really wanna know?" " Yes." "Let's get it all out." "Bring on the shit." "Fine." "I'll take you on a little tour." "But you better bring the bottle." "It's gonna be a long trip." " Hi." " Hi." " Is this a bad time?" " No, no!" "What is it?" "I just wanted to tell you that there's still no sign of Jack." " Really?" " Yeah." "Maria's called his manager and he doesn't know anything." " Weird." " Yeah." " Your lip is..." " Yeah, yeah, no, I know." " Okay." "What did you..." " Just fell on something." "Anyway, I was just wondering when you thought we should, you know..." "Well, you know, we'll give him a few hours, and then, if we have to cancel, we'll cancel." "Let's hope we don't have to do that!" " Yeah, that'd be terrible." " Yes." "Are we done?" "It all started here." "Or ended here." "Depending on whether you're talking about my breakdown or my career." "All right." "Laertes was here." "Brian." "Much thinner then, looking dashing." "Gertrude, Barbara Connolly, was behind me." "She had the flu, poor thing." "Claudius was next to her." "Everybody else was safely upstage." "And I was standing by the grave." "Your grave." "Oh, the irony." "I had just finished saying," "Why, I will fight with him upon this theme until my eyelids will no longer wag." "O my son, what theme?" "And Barbara spoke and I turned to see her..." "But I saw you instead." "I was watching from the wings." "I loved watching you." "Yeah." "It's a bad habit." "It's very distracting." "I said the next lines to you, didn't I?" "I loved Ophelia." "Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum." "Why did you fuck me over, Ellen?" "That's what I was really asking." "Why did you sleep with him?" "Why did you tell me about it?" "All right." "Please." "Anyway, that's when it all just disappeared." "The entire play went right out of my head." "And I couldn't speak, I..." "How long was I out there?" "A million years." "A million years." "That's right." "O, he is mad, Laertes!" "For the love of God, forbear him." "They tried to go on without you." "Yeah, well." "You can only go so far without your Hamlet before you hit a speech." "Swounds, show me what thou'lt do." "I know that now." "But then..." "I could offer nothing." "Nothing." "I would've cut my throat, but you're not allowed to do that in front of subscribers," "so I jumped in there." "And you didn't come out for seven years." "Ahoy, Captain." "Why did you go to Yong's and not the theater bar?" "I was hoping for anonymity." "I just didn't want to be stared at anymore, I just wanted to sit and drink." "Let me guess." "Carlsberg?" "Yes, I was in costume, but really, this whole town is filled with Shakespearean kitsch." "It's like living in a gift shop." "You'd think they'd be used to it by now." "Anyway, I just resented the attention." "Fuck off!" "Hey." "Prince Charming." "This is a family place." "I think it was the "Prince Charming" bit that got to me." "And what were you doing while I was tangling with the natives?" "Me?" "I was in the wings with Oliver." "I die, Horatio." "The potent poison quite o'ercrows my spirit." "And then I stole a car." "It was parked along here somewhere with the keys in the ignition." "That was my third crime of the evening, but it was my first felony." "And then you drove to my house." "Yes." "Taxi!" "I'm a little embarrassed by this next part, because it was mainly theatrics." " Were you planning to stab me?" " Not you." "No, I assumed Oliver would be here." "I just wanted to wave that knife in his face." "Maybe I wanted to stab him, I dunno." "We'll never know now, will we?" "Anyway, I got as far as the door." "I could see the two of you in the window." "In love's fond embrace." "And I turned and I ran." "It wasn't an embrace." "He was trying to stop me crying." "He was trying to restrain me." "Why didn't you come in?" "You were only five feet away." " Did you see me?" " Yes." "If you had come in, we could've talked about it!" "You could've seen how stupid it was." "He doesn't even like women, for Christ's sake!" " And then you ran away again." " How could I come in?" " I had a knife in my hand!" " So you were trying to stab me!" "I would've thanked you." "Okay." "Next." "I don't wanna talk about it." " Please?" " Kate!" " We had to cancel rehearsal." " So?" "It's all bullshit, Kate." "You guys talk a good game, but it's all bullshit in the end." ""You guys"?" "What're you talking about?" "I feel hurt, Kate." "Genuinely hurt." "I know I'm here to sell tickets, but I don't need it thrown in my face." "Did someone say something to you?" "Who, Claire?" "Claire?" "Claire's a fucking angel." " Well, then, who?" " It was Richard, Kate." "He said it didn't matter what I did onstage, nobody expects anything of me." "He told me that Geoffrey said the show would sell out no matter what." "My fucking highbrow genius director." " Richard said that?" " Yeah." "He said it last night, right before I went onstage." "I mean, what the hell is that?" "The New Burbage Theater Festival, y'know?" "I'd rather be in L.A. where the assholes tell you to your face that they're assholes." "Jack, that doesn't sound right." "No, it doesn't sound fucking right, does it?" "I don't wanna talk about it anymore, I'm getting pissed off again." " You going?" " I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." "I've gotten into three cabs today." "I keep wanting to say "airport" but I just end up going for a ride." "You staying 'cause of me?" "Kate, please." "I can't deal with relationship shit on top of all of this." "Sorry." "Just walk with me, okay?" "Man, I feel like my brain's gonna explode." "I read about it in the paper." " Yes." "Thank you, Basil." " Why did..." "I wanted to throttle a swan." "It seemed..." "sensible at the time." "Why did you fuck Oliver?" "I don't know." "He was my director." "I tried to kill myself that night." "I didn't know that." "Basil was more discreet about my breakdown." " Come back here, right now!" " Go away!" " Get back here, right now!" " Leave me alone!" " Ellen, stop it!" " No!" "No!" "Get back, Basil, get back!" "Shit!" "I wasn't thinking very clearly, Geoffrey." "Don't laugh!" "I was extremely upset!" "Georgia had to stay up all night cleaning my costume!" "Oh, God." "Oliver should be here." "He would love this." "You wanna go for a ride?" "I wanna steer." "All right." "Everyone's gonna hate me for throwing a fit and running away." "No, no one's gonna hate you." "It's just a screwed up process." "So you're saying you wanna do it?" "Fuckin' right I wanna do it." "I wanted to do it yesterday." "Well, then that's the important part." "My head's all messed up." "Fuck!" "Who am I kidding?" "I have to do it." "I'm an actor, and it's Hamlet." "What am I gonna do, walk away?" "I'd feel like a loser my whole life." "So you're afraid to do it, but you know you have to and if you don't, you won't be able to live with yourself." "Yes!" "Well, I think you can use that on stage." "How did you find me, anyway?" "I met you on a bus, remember?" "Hey, look, a swan boat." "There they are!" "Right there!" "All the losers come to the river." " They haven't seen us yet." " All right, duck down." "You know, we could stay right here in this swan, we could just drift down the river, eventually we'd find some open water, we'd be free." "God." "What would we give up?" "I mean, really." "What would it matter if we didn't open this show?" "In the larger sense, it wouldn't matter at all." "In the larger sense, nothing matters." "Seriously, Geoffrey, I think about it all the time." "No more opening night diarrhea, no more explaining bad reviews to my mother, no more worrying and obsessing and cramming..." "I think about it all the time." " But you haven't quit." " No." "Why?" "I mean, not that I'm encouraging it, but..." "I don't know how to do anything else." "I'd starve to death if I left the theater." "You stay in the theater because you don't wanna starve to death?" "Now that is irony." "And I like it." "I like it when the story is good and the audience is listening." "And you like the good reviews and you like the standing ovations, and you like all of those fans..." "Yes, I'm shallow." "I'm shallow!" "I admit it." "I wonder what life would be like if I could bake or something." "Well, you would be the Bakery Queen." "And you would be constantly late, you'd be petty and argumentative and everyone would hate you." "But the people..." "They would still line up to buy your tarts." "Number Six, please bring your swan in, your time is up." "You can be so sweet when you're not raving." " This was nice." " Thank you for letting me steer." "Why don't you take it in and I'll try to think of something encouraging to say to the boy." "How about "The show must go on"?" "He might take that as a threat, but I'll give it a shot." "Minister, I'd have to say "Dancing Queen" was my favorite number." "Didn't you love the way they worked "Take a Chance On Me"" "into the story?" "I just loved that." " The bar?" " Oh, yeah." "In there, to the left." "Stick to the Chardonnay!" "Why would Richard say that?" "Why would he go out of his way to fuck with my mind?" "I don't know, I don't know." "I mean, why would a man kill his brother and marry his sister-in-law?" " It's a fucked-up world." " Yeah, it is, it is." "Especially for actors." "Actors are entirely dependent on other people for what they do." "They need a writer, they need a director, they need someone to make their costumes and sets and props, they need a theater and worst of all, they need other actors." "That's a lot of people." "That's not even including the audience." "And you bring all those people into one place, the odds are, you're gonna get screwed by somebody." "Usually somebody wearing a tie." "I never looked at it that way." "Well, you can't, can you?" "Otherwise you'd go mad." "Are you up to some notes?" "I don't wanna overwhelm you or anything, just blocking." "I want you to be seen." "Yeah." "What the hell, shoot." "Break legs, everyone." "It's a good crowd out there." "Well." "Break legs." "Break your own legs." "Saboteur." "Queezling." "It's past the half, you shouldn't be back here." "Ten minutes, gentlemen!" "You're drifting kind of to the right on Osric's entrance." "So just try and keep stage left." "Y'know, if you're ever in doubt, just find your light." "Jesus, I don't know what that means." " What?" " "Find your light."" "I've said that to you, like, a dozen times." "Every time you say it, I never knew what you meant." "I just nod my head when you say it." "Wow." "Okay." "Light is hot and when you're in your light, you're gonna feel it on your face." "Look." "See my hands, they're shaking." "I feel sick." "Fucking Richard, man!" "I can't get through this." "The play is too big!" "I can't wrap my head around it!" "I'm just a face, y'know?" "Normally, I don't think I've ever had to keep it up for more than three-eighths of a page." "And sometimes it's just a glance, you know?" "And then you do it twenty times until you get it perfect." "Well, forget about perfection!" "There's nothing more boring than perfection!" "Imprecision." "Fear." "This is what gets them to their feet." " I should be brilliant, then." " And it is not that big of a play." "Yeah, right." "Come here." "Sit down." "Sit." "All right, look at me." "I want you to think of it in terms of six soliloquies, okay?" "Count 'em off with me." "O, that this too, too sullied flesh." "O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I." "To be or not to be." "Tis now the very witching hour." "That's a short one, that's only twelve lines." "Now might I do it pat." "How all occasions do inform against me." "That's it." "Six." "And the rest, as they say, is silence." " I think there's some dialogue in between." " Filler." "Nail those six soliloquies, everyone goes home happy." "Jack." "Jack." "Jack." "You can do this." "I'll be there." "This is your five-minute call." "Five minutes till the top of the show." "I'll give you a moment alone." "Nahum!" "I've gotta get to my seat!" "It's too late." "The house lights are down." "I can't let you through." "Is there another way around?" "Under the stage, through the paint room and into the offices." "And then through the front doors." "But you will have to wait until intermission." "Through the paint room?" "!" "Places, please, for the top of act one." "Places, please." "Okay, well, I guess I'll just watch from here, see the actors at work." "Careful." "If a farmer names his pigs, it makes the slaughter very difficult." "Six soliloquies." "God help us." "LX-1, go." "Who's there?" "Nay, answer me." "Stand and unfold yourself." "Long live the king!" " Bernardo?" " He." "You come most carefully upon your hour." "'Tis now struck twelve." "Get thee to bed, Francisco." "For this relief much thanks." "'Tis bitter cold and I am sick at heart." "Break we our watch up and by my advice let us impart what we have seen..." "First one's gonna be easy for you." "You are so sick of the world and all the people in it, you just wish you could melt." "Stay up left of Laertes on your entrance." " I'm gonna throw up." " Use it." "Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death the memory be green, and that it befitted us to bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom to be contracted in one brow of woe." "Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature..." " Alan's in good voice." " I hope so." "It's all he's got." "... Re-speaking earthly thunder." "Come, away!" "Here we go." "Moment of truth." "O, that this too too solid flesh would melt," "thaw and resolve itself into a dew!" "Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd his canon 'gainst self-slaughter!" "O God!" "God!" "How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, seem to me all the uses of this world!" "Fie on't!" "Fie!" "'tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed." "Things rank and gross in nature possess it merely." "That it should come to this!" "LX-22, go." "How now, Ophelia, what's the matter?" "O, my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted!" "With what, i' the name of God?" "My lord, while I was sewing in my chamber, lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced, no hat upon his head, his stockings foul'd, ungarter'd and down-gyved to his ankle." "Pale as his shirt, his knees knocking each other..." "She's good." "... and with a look so piteous in purport, as if he had been loosed out of hell..." " ... to speak of horrors..." " She's good." "You are disgusted with yourself, you are a coward, you are not a man, you are a weak and passionless failure." "O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!" "On some level, you long for this to be over, you long for rest." "Mental, spiritual rest." "I know this one." "To be, or not to be." "That is the question." "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them?" "To die." "To sleep." "No more." "And by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to." "LX-48, go." " Lady, shall I lie in your lap?" " No, my lord." " I mean, my head upon your lap?" " Ay, my lord." " Do you think I meant country matters?" " I think nothing, my lord." "'Tis a fair thought indeed to lie between maids' legs." "Tis now the very witching time of night." "When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world." "Now could I drink hot blood and do such bitter business as the day would quake to look on." "LX-57, go." "Now might I do it pat, now he is praying." "And now I'll do't." "And so he goes to heaven." "And so am I revenged." "That would be scann'd." "A villain kills my father." "And for that, I, his sole son," " do this same villain send to heaven." " Fate plays with our prince." "What?" "He cannot kill the king while he prays." "With all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May and how his audit stands..." "O Hamlet, speak no more." "Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul." "And there I see such black and grained spots as will not leave their tinct." "Nay, but to live in the rank sweat of an enseamed bed, stew'd in corruption, honeying and making love over a nasty sty!" "O, speak to me no more!" "Thy words, like daggers, enter in mine ears!" "No more, sweet Hamlet!" "How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge!" "What is a man, if his chief good and market of his time be but to sleep and feed?" "That's number six." "I was wondering when you'd show up." "He's in the home stretch." "Very good and all that, but you've forgotten something." "What?" "A promise made to an old man." "No, Ellen and I talked about that this morning." "Not that one." "Shit!" "Examples gross as earth exhort me." "Witness this army of such mass and charge led by a delicate and tender prince." "Good job, Geoff." "And I'm sorry about Ellen and me." "I suppose I always knew that you were better than me and..." " Can we talk about this later?" " Sorry." "And will he not come again?" "And will he not come again?" "No, no" "He is dead" "Go to thy death-bed" "He never will come again" "He is gone" "Whose was it?" "A whoreson mad fellow's it was:" "whose do you think it was." "Nay, I know not." "A pestilence on him for a mad rogue!" "... on my head once." "This same skull, sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester." " Goodbye, Geoffrey." " Thanks, Oliver." "Let me see." "Alas, poor Yorick!" "I knew him, Horatio." "A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." "I die, Horatio." "The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit." "I cannot live to hear the news from England." "But I do prophesy the election lights on Fortinbras." "He has my dying voice." "So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less, which have solicited." "The rest is silence." "Good night, sweet prince." "And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!" "LX-129, go." "And fuck me blue, we're done." "Great show." "Fantastic, great show." "Good work, great show." "That was it!" "That was beautiful, beautiful." "Holy shit, man." "They're not finished with you." "Get out there, come on!" "Go!" "That was..." "I don't know what to say." "That was incredible!" "You know, I saw A Chorus Line when I was sixteen years old..." " The critics are gonna slaughter us." " What?" "How can they?" "Because Jack is an American movie actor." "That's all they're gonna write about, right?" "They can't ignore what happened on this stage tonight." "What did happen, exactly?" "I don't know!" "This is all new to me!" "Well, please, join us again!" "We do eight shows a week, matinees on Wednesdays and Saturdays!" "Great, very good, good, good..." "Geoff!" "Thanks, it was wild." "I wish I coulda given you a line, but..." "I think if I'd had a line to say I would've shit myself." "Maybe I should've given you a line." "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god!" "Is there anything better than this?" "Better than this?" "Well..." "Wonderful work." "That little shit?" "She was better than me!" " Who?" " You know who." "Geoffrey, I don't know what your plans are for next year, but please don't make me play the Nurse." "Not yet, anyway." "You've got a couple years left before you play the Nurse." "Well, one year, anyway." "I was thinking more along the lines of..." "Cleopatra." "I'd like that." "Very much." "Are you free tomorrow morning?" " Yeah, it's a race day." " A what?" "Nothing." "I am." "Why?" "Well, in case I forgot to mention it..." "We should meet at the place." "The spot?" "Eleven o'clock, wear something black." "Great fuckin' show, man." "Good job." " Hey, Ellen." " Hi." "It's showtime!" "Are you ready?" "I need a second." " I need a second." " The board is waiting!" "Shake it off, honey." "Destiny calls." "Don't forget the model." "Holly!" "Yeah, sugar?" "Holly." "You're a really terrible, terrible person." "Richard!" "Richard!" "Open the door!" "Fuck!" "Don't even think about pushing me in." "This is an Armani." "Don't worry." "That's not what I had in mind." "What's that?" "The rest of Oliver." "Minus his head." "It's our final obligation." "Right!" "He always said he wanted to be sprinkled in the..." " What did he call it?" " Ganges North." "Ganges North, right." "We do this together?" "What if he didn't really mean it?" "I mean, it's not a very dignified resting place, what with the swans." "I am the cygnet to this pale faint swan, who chants a doleful hymn to his own death, and from the organ-pipe of frailty sings his soul and body to their lasting rest." "Goodbye, Oliver." "Coffee?" "I'm dying for a coffee." "EN synchro: namuras"