"That ought to do it." "The Atari 2600 was the pioneer in home video game systems." "It created a cultural phenomenon, but most importantly, a ripe industry gaining billions of dollars." "Atari's success and brand loyalty was so strong, they were able to produce games as cheaply and quickly as possible." "But in 1982, it would all come to an end." "This is when they produced a game based on the highest grossing film of that year, Steven Spielberg's." "Eee Tee." "The man chosen to program the game was Howard Scott Warshaw, based off the previous success of." "Yars' Revenge and Raiders of the Lost Ark." "Under normal circumstances, programming a game took Warshaw six to seven months." "For Eee Tee, he was only given five weeks in order to meet the deadline for the Christmas shopping season." "The end result was a strange and incoherent game that alienated devoted gamers." "To this day, it's viewed as the biggest commercial failure in video gaming history." "Atari suffered a 536 million dollar loss, not only bankrupting the company, but bringing the entire industry down with it, an event known as the Video Game Crash of 1983." "As a result of overproduction, over two million copies of the game were said to have been buried somewhere in the New Mexico desert." "And that is why we at Cockburn Inc." "Will be making Eee Tee 2 for today's most advanced video gaming platforms." "But will fans be eager to buy a game based off of such a reputation, even though the new version will be better?" "Oh." "Well, that's the beauty, Mr. Cockburn." "It won't be better." "We'll make it even worse." "Did you say worse?" "Oh, absolutely!" "It's called outside-the-box marketing." "This is highly irregular." "I know." "Research shows gamers these days are playing games they hate." "They think bad is the new good." "Consequently, we'll cut our expenses and double our profits." "If people hate the games they're playing, why are they still playing them?" "Oh, because of this guy." "And for him to endorse it, it's almost too brilliant." "This is the vile crap I had to grow up with as a kid." "Gamers today are so lucky." "They never have to encounter anything that sinks to this level of filth." "Ah, man!" "There's so many projectiles on this screen." "It's impossible to avoid." "It'd be easier to go out in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain." "You touch the floors, you die." "You touch the walls, you die." "You touch the ceiling, you die." "You die, you die, you die, die, die, die, die, die, die!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "So there's this guy on the Internet called the Angry Video Game Nerd, and he claims that he's reviewing all these old, shitty video games to give closure on all the ruined childhoods." "Like what were they thinking?" "I fucking love the Nerd." "Your accuracy in this game has to be so precise that hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding on a unicycle blindfolded." "Ha ha ha." "In other words, it's pretty hard." "Ha ha ha." "They just want to cover up the truth with their awesome cover that makes the game look great when really, it just rips kids off their hard-earned allowance money." "What you do for all of us is a public servicing." "You're, you're so much the awesomeness." "It's both a form of kind of retroactive revenge, but it's also therapeutic." "It would be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper while wearing boxing gloves." "Crazy dude." "He's freaking crazy!" "Oh, man." "I remember that game." "Awesome!" "We are your biggest fans." "Drew you this picture." "Love the Nerd." "I drew a little portrait." "I got your custom t-shirt right here." "Well, who else can you think of that actually cuddles up with the AVGN plush doll every night?" "Got a Angry Video Game Nerd tattoo." "I got that immortalized in ink." "Who goes around punching snakes and spiders?" "I am your biggest fan from Germany." "Greetings from Cleveland." "Norway." "Toronto, Ontario." "Mexico City." "Dallas, Texas." "From Italy." "New York." "England." "Scotland." "Sweden." "Ukraine." "Tennessee." "Chile." "Brazil." "Angry Video Game Nerd episodes helped me to learn English." "This game is a blizzard of balls." "It's a catastrophe of ass." "The suffering of someone is the pleasure of another." "I try to respect the pain that you go through." "Could you please review Eee Tee for the Atari 2600?" "I mean it's the worse game of all time." "Heard legends of it that it's buried in the landfill somewhere." "Let's just keep this one buried." "Why is it called Xenophobe, anyway?" "Well, apparently it means having a fear of anything foreign." "Well, if by foreign it means a drooling, alien creature that's gonna kill me, you bet your ass" "I fear it." "When in the name of the ass are you going to do the Eee Tee?" "You are my last hope." "Please do Eee Tee." "Where the fuck is Eee Tee?" "It sucked balls." "Glug, glug, glug." "You see, is it really that hard?" "Review Eee Tee." "Why not Eee Tee?" "You drink tea." "Review Eee Tee." "Are you on the Internet again?" "Eee Tee." "Eee Tee." "The game just goes on and on and on." "I don't think there's an ending." "The only objective I can think of is to rack the score up to 999,999." "But no, it stops at 999,990." "That is nine video game points you will never have." "So, when does the game end?" "When you shut the fucker off and throw it out your window." "Back up, back up." "Here's to Xenophobe, Xeno fucking piece of dog shit!" "Oh, cut, cut." "Perfect take," "Nerd." "Nice throw, man." "Want another angle?" "Cooper, I appreciate the help, but usually I film these videos all by myself." "Wanna wide shot?" "No." "Closeup?" "No." "An over-the-shoulder?" "No!" "A behind-the-knee shot?" "What?" "Hm, alright." "That one is gonna be good." "Alright." "We're late for work." "If you want to be a nerd like me, you got to make some unique sacrifices." "No physical fitness, no social popularity, and most important, no girls." "Nerds before birds." "That's the way." "Holy mother of God!" "Do you see that, Nerd?" "They're making Eee Tee 2." "That means you're finally gonna review the original Atari Eee Tee, right?" "Cooper, this is too much to comprehend." "And no, I'm never reviewing Eee Tee." "But, but the timing is perfect, man." "You have to do it now." "I'd rather suck the dry shit out of a dog's ass fur." "You know it's your most requested game." "You get emails about it all the time." "You're still checking my emails?" "I got to!" "'Kay, let's go to work." "You know it's considered the worse game of all time, right?" "Oh, trust me;" "I know." "That illogical gameplay." "We don't know what to do." "Falling in the pits over and over again." "It brings my piss to a boil." "Well, then why not do it, man?" "It'd be perfect." "I'll help if you want." "Have you watched my videos yet?" "No, what is it, Super Video Dude?" "No, man." "It's Super Rad Video." "Game Dude." "Ah, rad." "Hey, Angry Video Game Nerd!" "Hey, how you doing?" "Hey, I saw your last review and I was laughing my ass off." "I just had to go buy the game on eBay and see how bad it was and man, you were right." "Whoa, whoa." "No, no." "Yeah." "Herb, can I see you in here for a moment?" "Hello." "No, you listen to me, you sick fuck!" "No, yours is sick fuck." "You're sicker than fucking sick." "Yeah, and I have the DNA to prove it!" "Alright, I'll see you at 8." "What do you want?" "You called me here." "Oh, right, Herb." "I'm sorry about that." "Look, Herb, I, I just wanted to tell you there's gonna be a couple of changes." "But my name is Nerd, Mr. Swann." "My fucking father's name was Mr. Swann." "Please call me John." "Now one of the things we're gonna change is that you're gonna start wearing these." "Yeah, let's see." "Oh, that looks great." "But more importantly, a shipment of War Duty 3000 came in today." "And because you're the fucking expert, I was fucking wondering just off the top of my head, do you think we should put it in the front display?" "I don't think that's a good idea." "Bullshit!" "That's going in the front display, and it's your job to sell it." "But I can't sell people games that look this unbelievably bad." "I don't even play most of these newer games." "Go for the gun!" "I'd rather not." "Go for the gun!" "Take it out of my hand!" "You're gonna sell it." "I don't give a shit about your happy horseshit." "Sega games or the Gamekid or all that shit." "What's ever on that shelf, you get it sold!" "Hello." "What?" "It's a boy?" "Aw." "No, I knew my semen was good." "Hey!" "Angry Video Game Nerd." "Hey." "Hey, what's you holding there?" "War Duty 3000." "Oh, did you play it?" "What, are you kidding me?" "Just looking at it makes me feel like having an anal evacuation." "I'd rather have a dick right on my forehead so every day is a struggle not to shoot piss into my own mouth until I eventually drown only to get reincarnated as another dick on my now lifeless body." "Ha ha ha." "Well, now I got to buy it." "I can't wait to tell everybody that the Angry Video Game Nerd yelled and spat on this game." "Oh, and what do you think of that?" "They're putting out Eee Tee 2." "It can't be as bad as the original, though, right?" "You know what?" "I heard that Atari recalled all of the cartridges and buried them somewhere in the middle of the desert because the game was so bad." "Worst video game of all time." "Ha ha ha ha." "Oh, you should review Eee Tee!" "No." "Can you review Eee Tee?" "I think you should review Eee Tee." "Yeah, come on, Nerd." "Review Eee Tee for all the fans." "No." "When the new Spider-Man movie came out, what game did you review?" "Spider-Man." "And when the new Transformers movie was released, what game did you review?" "Transformers." "So, the new Eee Tee is here." "The time is right." "Do Eee Tee." "Eee Tee!" "No!" "Nerd!" "Wait, wait." "I'm sorry." "It's just that we really want to know what you think of that game." "Can you at least tell me?" "Off the record." "Alright, it sucks ass through a straw." "That game is proof that we failed as a human race." "It's a horrible abomination that fucks you harder than life itself, and I wish I could send every single cartridge off the face of this earth!" "See?" "That's exactly what you say in the video." "I can't even be pissed off and have it mean anything anymore." "It's better to get pissed off than to get pissed on." "There's one thing that I could never get to the bottom of." "Hm." "Why is that Eee Tee game so infamously popular?" "Well, it's the worse game, but it's the greatest game story ever told." "I mean when gamers found out Eee Tee was buried in that landfill, it became forever buried in our conscious minds." "You really believe they buried two million cartridges in the fucking desert?" "Yeah!" "Well, how can you dispute the dozens of eyewitness accounts, hundreds of online articles, testimonies from." "New Mexico high schoolers, reporters?" "Even the mayor of Alamogordo for Pete's sake." "Here, take the wheel." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "I mean it doesn't make any sense." "So, they give the game to one person to design in five weeks, and perpetually make bad games over and over again with the mentality that people would just buy them." "And now you're saying they buried all the cartridges?" "That's bullshit." "They would have recycled all those cartridges." "They were so stingy, they would have reused every piece of plastic and saved every last cent." "Here's a photo of the actual game carts  Whoa." "Laying at the bottom of the landfill." "You got to be kidding me." "This is the shittiest photo I've ever seen." "Looks like it's been put through a copy machine 100 times." "I don't see any games in there!" "It's no better than a picture of the Loch Ness Monster showing the loch with nothing in it or a picture of Bigfoot shown in the woods with nothing in it or a picture of a UFO showing the sky with nothing in it." "This is a picture of a landfill with nothing fucking in it!" "Hey, I happen to have seen Bigfoot twice;" "Two of them." "Oh, you saw two Bigfoots?" "Mm-hm." "Would they be Bigfeet?" "They had big feet." "Mandi!" "Oh, we're just pulling up." "We'll be there in a sec." "Who's that?" "Where are we going?" "Just trust me." "Give me a Rock." "Rolling." "Are you the Nerd?" "Um, uh, yeah." "Oh, my god!" "This is so cool." "Would you sign my breasts?" "I'm his manager." "I handle all the important documents." "Really?" "Oh, okay." "There you go." "Bye." "Holy shitskies, man." "I'm never taking a shower again." "She got them big-ass titties." "I'd like to bang that booty like ah, uh." "Hey, stop that." "Stop!" "Always remember the golden rule." "Nerds before birds, right?" "Hi, Cooper." "Hey, Nerd, my man." "Hey." "What's up?" "Alright, give me just a minute and I'll come over to that table." "Wait, what the hell is this?" "This is a tremendous career move." "Just hear her out." "Mr. Nerd," "I'm Mandi with Cockburn Inc." "I've been talking with Cooper on email for so long." "It's great to finally meet the Nerd himself." "I know how extremely busy you both are, so I'm not gonna rattle on and on." "Thanks." "I would like to present you with an exciting opportunity to review our newest game." "Obviously we at Cockburn Inc." "Have seen all of your videos." "They're brilliant." "So, we knew that this game would be right up your alley." "But talk is cheap, right, boys?" "So I'll let this demo walk the walk, so to speak." "Ooh, ooh." "So what do you think about that, Nerd?" "So that's a yes?" "And then you just automatically assumed I'd be cool with this?" "Well, you never said anything about not reviewing the new Eee Tee game." "Oh, but don't you understand?" "If I review the new one, I'm only gonna end up having to do the old one too." "Then why not do both?" "I can't." "I physically can't play that game." "It caused me so much torment as a child," "I'd rather quit reviewing games permanently." "You know what?" "You're right." "You should find something else." "I can see you doing a lot of things." "Shrimp boat captain, iron working, nuclear decontamination tech, roofing, reviewing the new Eee Tee game." "No!" "Come on." "Just think it over." "Anyway, I better get inside." "Mom's gonna kill me if I'm not inside before the streetlights come on." "Cooper?" "Get your ass in here!" "Didn't I tell you to get in before the streetlights come on?" "Gotta go." "Bye." "Where have you been?" "See, uh-huh." "You was at that young girl titty bar." "Didn't I tell you to stay away from the titties?" "No!" "Whoa!" "Oh, oh." "Ah!" "Oh no." "Not again!" "Whoa!" "Oh, couldn't I just wake up after the first fall?" "Ah!" "You motherfucker." "Ah!" "You fucking piece of shit!" "Ah!" "Even my dreams are low-budget." "Oh, my god." "They found it." "I don't know how, but they found it." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Whoa!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Whoa!" "Ah!" "I have to save the fans." "Noob." "Come on, they nerfed PvP." "And you still using those items." "That's level 15, level 26 already." "Nerd!" "What's up, man?" "Cooper, is this thing working, can you hear me?" "Yeah, dude, you're moving so slow, man." "Here, take this item." "What?" "Equip it." "Equip it?" "Okay." "No, the other hand." "Cooper, we need to do something about this Eee Tee game." "We need to bury it in the past where it belongs and prevent future generations from being emotionally scarred." "Dude, you can't do that." "That's the most popular bad game of all time." "I know." "It's all because of that stupid landfill story." "Hm." "Yeah." "Cooper, meet me outside right now." "Alright, just let me finish this level." "Now!" "Oh, man." "My mom is gonna kill me." "Psst." "Cooper!" "Shh." "Whoa!" "Alright, hurry up and tell me about this crazy plan of yours." "We're gonna find that landfill and prove that there's nothing under there." "Maybe then everybody can forget about this game." "My mom doesn't let me wipe my own ass, let alone go to Alamogordo, New Mexico." "Then fine, stay home and be a mama's boy, but there's no chance you'll ever see me review that game." "But if we find any games under that sand, I'll review it." "In fact, I'll play every single one of them." "Oh, okay." "It's a deal." "But the only way to properly search that landfill would be with ground-penetrating radar and a whole excavation team." "Heh, well, then let's do it!" "We can't afford that." "Hm, you want to play manager?" "Well, then you manage that." "Play?" "Yeah!" "How do you like your new Nerdmobile, boys?" "Ah, it's great!" "Yeah?" "You love it?" "And like I said, everything is fully paid for and endorsed by Cockburn, Inc." "We're going to video document the trip." "It will be great content to lead up to your big game review." "Oh, and Nerd, there's going to be a whole excavation team waiting there with ground-penetrating radar just like you asked." "Let me help you with that." "New game review?" "I didn't agree to this." "You're gonna have to review this new game if you want to debunk the old one." "It's a fair trade." "Well, ah, I wasn't." "Really don't like the idea of bringing this girl with us." "Relax, Nerd." "She's our producer." "And she's not a girl, she's a gamer." "Hi guys." "Everything alright over there?" "Good." "At a time like this, the fans need you more than ever, Nerd." "You know what?" "I don't think this van has a radio." "And I brought a lot of things to install in our van:" "GPS, mobile internet access, roof camera." "But I forgot to think about music." "Don't worry, I got the music covered." "Nice, you got an MP3 player?" "No." "CD player?" "No." "Cassette?" "8 Track?" "No." "Th, then what do you got?" "Is this a joke?" "Nerd, Eee Tee?" "You should kill that guy." "You see that guy right there?" "That's me." "There, I just posted an announcement that you're doing the Eee Tee 2 review." "Um." "No." "I don't know Mandi, this excavation project is costly." "What does it have to do with the Nerd's Eee Tee 2 review?" "Just trust me, Mr. Cockburn." "With the Nerd behind this, plus the video documenting the trip, we'll make a million times the cost." "Well, we like how you think outside the box, but since this is your first big project, let me give you a little advice." "Don't get too close to these nerds." "They are the product." "Eh, you can't sell something if it becomes too precious to part with." "Don't worry, Mr. Cockburn." "They're just a couple of dorks." "I'll get you some video ASAP." "Over and out." "Hey, we're almost there, Nerd." "Is that our whole excavation team?" "Yeah." "Well, there's been some budget cuts." "Alright, whatever." "Let's film this." "I'm so excited!" "My first Nerd video." "Alright." "Rolling." "Out here in the New Mexico desert, something allegedly happened many years ago." "Yeah, we're talking Eee Tee, extraterrestrial and we're gonna get to the bottom of it." "General Dark Onward, sir." "I think we may have something a little disconcerting here." "Sounds like they're looking for extraterrestrials." "What?" "Yes, sir." "I fear espionage." "Maybe they're just tourists." "Maybe again, maybe they're terrorists." "Tourists, terrorists, what's the difference?" "Scan their vehicle." "They say Eee Tee is buried under the sand, somewhere not too far from where we are now." "And we're gonna solve the whole case." "I'll take care of this." "And present all the facts and prove what is there." "So stand by, from the Nerd." "General!" "If you don't mind me saying, sir, that's a little excessive, sir." "Well, maybe you're right." "Send an MP unit to search their vehicle." "Make sure they don't have anything that will threaten homeland security." "Yes, sir." "On second thought." "Sir." "I think I should supervise this mission personally." "I don't think that will be necessary, General." "You're needed for more vital things, sir." "Well, I insist." "If something important's about to blow up, I want to be there." "Yes, sir." "Goddamn terrorist alien hunters." "I'll blow their nuking asses out that ship and back again." "Hey guys, you find anything?" "Nope, not yet." "Come on, patience, Nerd." "It's gonna take a while to analyze the data." "Well, I hate to be the one to debunk the myth, but it's got to be done." "You know, one day you find out there's no Santa Claus." "Any other line of thinking only leads to disappointment." "Wait, that's not true." "Santa Claus is real." "Yeah?" "Well, you probably believe the world is flat." "The world is flat." "So, how come nobody's ever fallen off?" "Gravity?" "Oh, okay." "Well uh, hasn't the world been photographed from space?" "Have you ever examined a photograph of the world from space?" "I mean, you can only see one side at a time." "See, the earth is flat, like a coin." "And the water and land roll over it like a conveyor belt." "That's why we have day and night." "Well, what about heaven and hell?" "Do you believe in that?" "Yeah, that all comes down to Death Mwauthzyx and that's a known fact of nature." "Death Mwa, what?" "Death Mwauthzyx." "You don't know about that?" "No." "Please educate me." "Death Mwauthzyx is a cyber mutant death god living under Mount Fuji." "He created both God and Satan." "Yeah, sure." "No, I swear." "This is all true." "And this thing has the power to end all life as we know it." "With a single turn of the satellite dish on top of his head, every universe and the Multiverse will disappear." "The Ultraverse and the Megaverse will collapse." "The six dimensions will flatten into one and all existence will be obliterated." "Oh, wow." "So, everything you believe exists will no longer exist?" "No, it'll be as if it never existed at all." "So, non-existence, no space, nothing?" "Nope." "Well, one thing will remain, bologna sandwich." "So, like, a giant bologna sandwich, or just like a regular?" "No size." "I mean, since nothing else exists in existence to compare it to, this thing would be scaleless." "Wow." "Scaleless." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." "It's the fuzz!" "We don't have a permit." "I'm gonna make a run for it." "Cooper!" "Get in the truck." "Come on, stop!" "Don't be so suspicious." "Yeah, man." "Just play it cool." "It's fine." "Put your hands on the vehicle." "What have you guys got in the back of that big van, huh?" "You got some migrant workers?" "You got some sex traffic?" "You got some drug mules?" "You guys got some cocaA-na shoved up your butts?" "No ma'am, just video games." "Get me the fuck out of here!" "Just let me handle this, okay?" "I'm sorry, ma'am." "We didn't know that we were doing anything wrong." "Put your hands on the vehicle." "Alright, alright honey." "Don't get your panties in a wad." "I'm not wearing any panties." "Hot." "Get me into that." "What the hell?" "Oh, goddamn it, men." "You had two days." "You could have had a ramp installed." "Sorry sir, it's hard to keep track of your accidents." "Check out that van." "Well, what you got back there?" "It's just video games." "Just video games?" "Look at me, son." "You trying to steal American government secrets?" "No, sir." "We're just trying to do a game review." "See?" "Gun!" "Ooh, you listen to me, numb-nuts." "You see this?" "Please, god, no." "This will put a second anus where your head used to be, goddammit." "You fuck with the USA, you fuck with Dark Onward." "You want this?" "No!" "Oh, my god!" "Where the hell are you all going?" "Help me!" "Oh, my god." "Where's my fucking arm?" "Get in!" "Come on, in the van." "I have to give it a proper burial." "Come on, in the van." "That's gonna leave a mark, oh." "Ah, hang on, they're not after us anymore." "Yeah, they are." "Oh, sh." "That's alright, hang on." "After them, McButter." "Get going!" "Brilliant idea, sir." "Don't we have any weapons aboard this vehicle?" "No, sir." "We took them out so we could fit your chair, sir." "Okay, hang on." "Oh, shit." "The hell's the matter with this damn thing?" "You're in it, sir?" "Hang on, bitches." "I got this." "Really?" "Whoa." "What the hell are all these fucking boxes doing here?" "Oh, god." "Wait, wait." "What the hell is that?" "Fruit, sir." "My god, did you see the size of those melons?" "Take a note, McButter." "Ha ha ha." "Watch out for the people." "Straight through." "Straight through." "I didn't sign up for this." "Oh, just chill out." "Make this thing go faster." "Get the thing going." "It helps if you shake me, sir." "Really?" "No." "Ah!" "Whoa!" "Oh, my god." "Glass, a sheet of glass." "It's alright." "Shit soup." "Thank you." "Just keep going." "Would you like a steering wheel in the back, sir?" "Yes, I would." "Look out!" "No, no." "No!" "What?" "Explanation McButter?" "Glass, sir." "Double pane, sir." "Good driving." "Thanks." "Looks like doing an Eee Tee review will be tough now." "Darn, just when I was finally warming up to the idea." "Really?" "No." "Aw." "What was that madman shouting about?" "We did nothing wrong." "Something about government secrets." "You know, we're only a couple of hours away from Roswell, so." "Oh, yeah." "Isn't that where the UFO crashed?" "Yes, in 1947." "Oh, for the love of Pong." "One hoax at a time." "There's probably a perfectly logical reason why those fuck nuts didn't want us near that landfill." "Whoa, did, did you see that?" "I guess they didn't destroy it totally." "No, no, it just came back together." "No, that didn't happen." "We're dehydrated and hallucinating." "I don't know why, but I'm sure there's more to this game than we realize." "We should go to the source, Howard Scott Warshaw." "The guy who made the game, seriously?" "Yeah, why not?" "I'll just pull up his location." "Okay." "Fine, he'll agree that there are no games under that landfill." "Even better, we'll get him saying it on video." "He made Yars' Revenge, but he also made Eee Tee I mean it's like, somebody gave you a present, but then took a shit on your doorstep at the same time." "It's like Santa with diarrhea." "So uh, this is Warshaw's house?" "Jeez." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." "Hm." "Eh, at least he's hospitable." "It smells." "Read the sign!" "Whoa!" "You're never gonna take me alive, you no-good, goddamn gumshoe son of a bitch." "Whoa." "Wait, wait, wait." "We, we just want to ask you some questions about Eee Tee." "Eee Tee?" "Eat lead, you FBI scum!" "Whoa!" "Wait." "Um, wait." "We're not FBI." "We're just gamers." "We want an interview." "Gamers?" "Why didn't you say so?" "Come in." "Should I get the camera for the video?" "Not yet." "I have a funny feeling about this." "Oh iii." "Nerd, let's just go home, man." "No, no wait." "He's just testing us." "You can do it, Nerd." "It's just, it's a game." "Yeah, an impossible one that relies on the gamer to take a shitty guess." "Like, maybe there's an invisible block." "Well, kick it." "Yeah." "Wow." "Okay." "Nice." "Whoa." "Can't say I didn't expect that." "Okay." "Okay." "I'm coming." "Oh." "Watch out!" "Oh, shit." "Okay, now?" "Come on, yeah." "You can make it." "Ha ha ha ha." "Care for some lemonade?" "Are you" "Howard Scott, what?" "My name is Doctor Louis Zandor." "Won't you join me?" "What the hell was all that back there?" "I had to make sure you were just gamers." "Only a gamer would know to jump at nothing to find a hidden block." "And something tells me you're not just some gamer, but THE gamer." "Did you know the Atari logo was based off Mount Fuji?" "I always find that odd." "Well, how may I help you?" "Well, obviously we came to the wrong place." "We were looking for Howard Scott Warshaw." "Why do you seek Warshaw?" "Well, we wanted to ask him about the Eee Tee Atari game, specifically the legend of the landfill." "Ha ha ha ha,." "Not true, not true." "Quickly, everyone!" "Into the kitchen." "Come!" "Everybody into the fridge, now." "Wait, wait, what are we doing in here?" "They might be listening to us." "You understand, they can't hear us in the fridge." "Who can't hear us?" "Who do you think?" "Many years ago, I was a scientist in a nonexistent place called Dreamland or Area 51 as the civilians came to know it." "It was the height of the Cold War and Americans were as paranoid as potheads at a policeman's ball." "So, you're an ex Area 51 employee." "Huh, jeez." "Don't people ever get bored of all this Area 51 nonsense?" "Yes, it's true." "Now, listen." "Chocolate pudding?" "No, I'm alright." "A beer?" "Yeah." "Ah, there you go." "Anyway, I was a rising star in their aerodynamics program, so they put me onto the ongoing top-secret Roswell project as their head reverse engineer." "Roswell, there it is again." "The UFO crashed there in 1947, right?" "Precisely." "When that sucker crashed in the desert, it broke up like one of those clay pigeons in Duck Hunt." "There was metallic debris all over the desert." "Or debriss." "No, it's debris." "Well, there's an s." "Why isn't it pronounced debriss?" "A greater mystery than this." "Anyway, the metal was like nothing on Earth." "It was thin, almost identical to tinfoil, except that it reacted strangely when you played around with it, displaying strange magnetic properties." "I was one of few who figured out how to harness the powers of this metal." "The government wanted me to rebuild the Roswell spaceship, but I realized that any nation with a spacecraft like that would have unstoppable power." "Our civilization wasn't ready for that, so I refused to continue on the project." "Needless to say, I was forced into resignation." "After that, my life quickly went into a tailspin." "I couldn't find work as a custodial engineer let alone a reverse engineer." "What does this have to do with anything?" "Well, my resentment towards those Area 51 pricks got the best of me and I found the instrument of my retribution, video games." "I took notice of a young pioneering game designer, Howard Scott Warshaw, whose games were revolutionary in their day." "Not only were they met with great success, but he also came up with inventive ways of hiding little secrets within the games, such as his own initials or hidden characters." "This gave me the inspiration I needed." "I began developing a program which emulates the Area 51 floor plan, a perfect blueprint of their precious secret base." "Meanwhile, Warshaw was asked to begin the now infamous Eee Tee game." "Atari gave him only five weeks to complete the whole project." "Yes, the game was finished, but no one can single-handedly design a game in five weeks." "Unbeknownst to everyone, that final night before the Christmas deadline, I offered him my Area 51 code, and he accepted." "So, you're saying the Eee Tee game sucks ass because it's not really meant to be a game?" "It's a floor plan to Area 51?" "What can I say?" "Subversiveness has always been my downfall." "Naturally, I was on a watch list and they found out or whatever, and the next thing I know, the government, not Atari, orders a recall on all the games and dumps them into the Alamogordo desert." "Holy shit!" "Meanwhile, I was given hard time to serve." "You don't say?" "But I escaped." "And I've been on the run ever since." "My only satisfaction is the fact that before I quit Area 51," "I stole the dreamland material to prevent them from ever reassembling the spaceship." "You stole the pieces of the UFO?" "I had to." "I replaced it with ordinary tinfoil." "And" "I've kept it safely hidden to this very day." "Okay, so I think I've got most of that." "Basically, you put a map of the most top secret place in the world inside a video game all out of revenge?" "Not quite." "I did it to save my friend so that I could one day return to rescue the alien." "Oh, we have an alien now too, huh?" "What, what's wrong with you, Nerd?" "That's the real deal, man." "Yes." "Not being able to save him was one of my greatest regrets." "Anyway," "I'm too old now for rescue missions." "Louis?" "Yes, dear?" "I'm cold." "Right." "Sorry, general." "I wasn't able to hear much when they were huddled in the fridge." "I'll keep an ear on them." "Whatever." "I just can't believe that we've finally found Doctor Louis Zandor, and these idiots let us straight to his doorstep." "McButter?" "Yes, sir!" "I want Zandor apprehended and groveling at my treads tonight." "Yeah." "Ha ha ha." "How's that fence coming?" "Oh, it's good, sir." "Um, we should have the whole landfill closed out by tonight." "No one will ever be getting here anymore." "About time." "I've been asking for that goddamned fence since 1983." "He's been asking since 1983!" "Will you hurry up?" "Mm-hm." "What the fuck's going on here?" "Get back to work." "Just spread your feet out a little bit more." "But I don't even want to learn how to surf." "Alright, men." "You too, young lady." "The time for the spacecraft's maiden voyage draws near." "With the help of this extraterrestrial technology, I look forward to the day when we could incinerate anyone who doesn't eat, breathe, or crap American!" "Now let's have a look at your progress." "Yes, sir." "Move!" "Backing up!" "Backing it up." "Ah, looks great!" "And have you mastered the metal's mysterious melding power yet?" "Absolutely." "The metal, please." "I see." "Fantastic." "Alright then." "Proceed with your work." "Oh." "What?" "You will all be safe here from the Men in Black now that my stealth cloaking system is activated." "So how does it all work?" "Well, I first employed this technology in the Eee Tee game." "You know how when you play the game, the three phone pieces and the call zones are always hidden someplace different?" "Oh, I know." "That annoying shit where it sends the gamer on a big, wild goose chase?" "Precisely." "It will reorient the position of the Men in Black's radar detection system so it appears the house is randomly appearing across their grid." "It's ingenious." "Right." "The only side effect is the TV and phone reception gets a little choppy here, but I'm working on the bugs." "For now, make yourselves at home." "There are video games upstairs." "Just make sure you never step outside." "Okay." "Thanks, Zandor." "Hey, Nerd." "Hey." "What's the matter, Nerd?" "Um, this whole story about the landfill." "Zandor says it's true and more." "Whether he's crazy or not, all these stories about Area 51 are only gonna generate more interest in the game, and innocent gamers will suffer because of it." "Hm." "Well, I can think of something we can do that might lift your spirits." "Oh, oh, shit." "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god." "It's so hard!" "Yeah, it is." "Yeah." "Yeah, it feels good." "Oh, shit." "Faster!" "Come on, faster!" "Faster!" "Yeah, faster!" "You got to take it easy on me, okay?" "Oh, shit." "I don't normally do it on the pad." "Oh, oh, okay, okay." "Oh, yeah." "I'm almost there." "Yes, yes!" "No!" "Yes, yes!" "Oh, come on." "Don't use your hands." "Oh, yes." "Oh, look at that." "Yeah, it feels good." "You cheated." "No, I didn't cheat." "I won." "That's what that looks like." "You're a cheater." "I won." "You did." "Cheater, shut up." "Uh." "Nuh." "Uh." "Uh." "Uh." "Uh." "Cockburn, it's 3 a.m. Hello?" "Are, are you there?" "Hey, listen." "Listen, Mandi." "You, you've got to meet iii morning at the Atari landfill." "Wait." "Cockburn, you're, say that again." "You're, you're breaking up." "I, I got the most incredible idea you ever heard." "We are gonna do a game convention advertising." "Eee Tee 2 at the Atari landfill." "No, no." "Cockburn, listen to me carefully." "Do iii go to the landfill." "What?" "Go to the landfill?" "Okay." "No." "No, do not go to the landfill." "Yeah, meet me there in the morning." "It's gonna be amazing." "There's gonna be like tents and there's gonna be snacks and there's gonna be, jeez, you know, gamers gaming with each other and everything." "Alright, I'll see you in the morning." "Oh, shit." "General, we're closing in on Zandor's house as we speak." "You never cease to please me, McButter." "Wait a minute." "Every time the radar swipes over Zandor's house, it's at a different coordinate." "General, scratch that." "We don't seem to have the right location." "The radar's jumping all over the place." "You never cease to disappoint me, McButter." "Yes, sir." "Hello?" "Cockburn?" "Shit." "Wait a minute." "Freeze!" "Put your hands up." "Oh." "Okay." "Oh, shit!" "Take me to Doctor Louis Zandor." "Never." "Get in the Jeep." "You're gonna take me to Zandor's house now!" "Fine, bitch!" "Ugh." "Damn, so violent." "Nerd." "Nerd." "Nerd!" "Oh!" "Wake up!" "Ah, what?" "The girl, man." "We have to ditch her." "Mandi, our producer?" "I thought she was a gamer, not a girl." "She's not a gamer." "From what Zandor said, I think she's a secret agent." "A secret agent?" "No way." "Come on, we're being chased by military police." "The girl knows too much." "She's working for them." "Cooper, there's no reason for acting this way." "Acting this way?" "You're the one who's acting all weird and you got a little girlfriend all of a sudden." "Oh, fuck off." "Don't break the code." "Nerds before birds." "Alright, come with me, Cooper." "We're gonna settle this like adults." "Mandi?" "Mandi?" "What's wrong?" "Where's Mandi?" "This happens in every movie." "Oh, what?" "Like they kidnapped her or something?" "More like she kidnapped herself." "That's nonsense." "She's probably just out getting some air." "No, she's nowhere on the property." "Well, she's probably in the shower." "No, she's not in there either." "Look what I found on the nightstand." "These are phony prescription glasses with fake plastic lenses." "Bullshit." "Okay, so why would she do this?" "To appear more nerdy." "It was all an act." "Don't you understand?" "She's bait." "I mean we'll all foolishly try to rescue her and get caught right in the trap." "Oh, I feel like such a fool." "The moment you share your joystick with a girl, they break it." "You've been taking us around in circles all night, kid." "And I am telling you, if you  I swear." "This is Zandor's house this time." "Ah, what the fuck!" "Ahem, sergeant, since we're here and all, do you think" "Fred and I could get some ice cream?" "Don't even think about it." "The landfill excavation team emailed me the results." "Mm-hm." "Sorry, Nerd." "I'm here in Alamogordo, New Mexico at the Atari landfill." "Here, hundreds of video game enthusiasts have made a mysterious pilgrimage to the resting place of the classic Atari game, Eee Tee, where an unlikely convention has sprung up in the middle of nowhere." "I'm here with Stacie, one of the gaming pilgrims." "Stacie, what brought you out here?" "It's all to honor the Angry Video Game Nerd." "You know, I saw that it was on Cockburn and then it said he was gonna be reviewing Eee Tee 2, so then I added it up." "You know what I'm saying?" "I mean he's probably gonna be reviewing the original Eee Tee game and I'm gonna be here when it all goes down, you know?" "So, you know, you can bet he's gonna show up and I'll be here ready for it, you know what I'm saying?" "I found this bone in the woods, but it turned out to be wood." "So, you know, you never know what's going to happen, you know what I'm saying?" "Fuck me." "I should have never gotten involved with this." "And here we are with Bernie Cockburn, the chairman of Cockburn Inc., the creators of the new Eee Tee 2." "Hello, gamers!" "Hey!" "You, too, can get your copy of the game right here, right now." "For the first 100 gamers to get their new copy of Eee Tee 2, you're gonna get a free shovel and the chance to climb over this fence behind me and dig yourself up one of the originals." "Ha ha, come on." "Be a part of Cockburn's stock." "Be a part of gaming history!" "The prophesy is almost fulfilled." "I've got to put an end to all this." "I'm telling you, Mandi, you've been running me ragged all day long." "No, really, sergeant." "I know I've retraced my steps right this time." "Howdy." "Mind grabbing a family photo?" "No." "Sure!" "No." "Come on, right here." "No, no, no, no, no." "Oh, that's good." "Everybody get in the picture." "It's gonna be cute." "You know, a baby." "General, our captive is grinding down on my patience." "Permission to shoot." "Negative, McButter." "She's the only one who knows where Zandor is." "Say cheese!" "This is" "amazing!" "This is horrible!" "I've got to put an end to this." "Step right up, friends, step right up!" "I hold before you the new game for the new generation," "Eee Tee 2!" "Yeah, ha ha!" "There you go, young man. $49.95." "Good." "Hey, listen." "And if you're fast, you can take that shovel, go dig yourself up one of the originals." "Ha ha ha." "Go get it." "Who's next?" "Who's next?" "Eee Tee 2." "Come on." "Ha ha ha." "Oh, my god." "Eee Tee." "Eee Tee." "I can't believe all these geeks found the landfill." "General." "What is it, McButter?" "You'll never believe where Las Vegas." "Please tell me I can shoot her now." "I've had enough of this." "Negative, McButter." "Yeah, woo!" "Woo woo!" "No!" "No, no, no." "No!" "Is that, is that, is that the Nerd?" "Fellow gamers, may I have your attention?" "May I have your attention?" "This game is bullshit and the legend behind it is a total lie." "There's no games buried under that landfill." "I wish you all would just forget about it." "It's all a myth." "You can all go home now." "Oh, man." "The Nerd just said this is bullshit." "Dude, when the Nerd says something is bullshit, it's bullshit." "Well, great." "What are we gonna do now?" "I guess we just go home." "It's working." "It's working!" "Yes!" "Come on, Nerd." "Let's just go home, man." "I don't like what this game review is turning you into." "It doesn't matter if you believe in the landfill or not." "Oh, my god." "Whoa." "Holy shit." "That's the guy who made the game." "Gamers, here we have" "Howard Scott Warshaw, a game designer way ahead of his time." "He's responsible for Atari classics such as." "Yars' Revenge, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Eee Tee." "The worst game of all time." "How may I be of service, Nerd?" "The whole story about the landfill." "Tell them it's not true." "Alright, fellow gamers, the legend of the landfill is true." "I've held my silence long enough." "It is time for the truth to be told." "The government buried these games here a long time ago because those games contain a map, a map to Area 51, a map designed by Doctor Louis Zandor." "And there he is." "Join him in digging up these games, every last one." "They contain a map that will lead you to a treasure, and that treasure is nothing less than Zandor's captive friend, the extraterrestrial." "Wow." "Zandor!" "Nerd, I've seen your videos." "I know you are a frank and honest man." "People like us, we don't cover things up." "Wouldn't this be a better world if people told the truth?" "The truth, Nerd, that is what you must find." "I can't let this happen." "This whole legend has to stop." "The game's not a map to Area 51." "There's no alien." "There's nothing mystical about that game." "Whether there is or isn't, what does it matter, man?" "There's nothing you can do to disprove it anyway." "Like hell there isn't." "What are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna break into Area 51." "What?" "If Doctor Zandor isn't at the top of these steps, you're gonna be dead." "Have faith, butter face." "I will kill you, fat butt." "Oh." "Are you crazy?" "Do you have any clue where Area 51 even is?" "Between Area 50 and 52." "Come on, man." "Haven't you had enough?" "A nerd's work is never done." "Now that, that's just a stupid line." "I only said it for the trailer." "Wait." "You may need this." "McButter!" "Yes, sir?" "The Nerd and his little friend are coming for us." "Use the girl as a diversion." "Great idea." "I'll get that." "Nerd." "You again?" "Listen, I have nothing against you Area 51 people." "This is all about a video game." "Oh." "Well, I have a game for you." "It's called come rescue your little girlfriend." "Nerd, help me!" "She's not my girlfriend." "But you like her, don't you?" "Um, no." "What?" "Anyway, if you want to find her, she's on top of the Eiffel Tower." "The what?" "The mock Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas." "Tower in Las Vegas." "Oh." "It's a trap, Nerd." "Like I said, don't go." "Uh, I'm not coming." "What?" "Nerd?" "Come up here and rescue me right now." "Eff you, you FBI bitch." "Yeah, that'll show her, Nerd." "Diversion didn't work, sir." "You should have put her into something more provocative." "How the hell can you use her as bait when she's dressed in causal attire?" "General, sir." "What is it?" "There is something you should see." "What do we have here?" "This is the guy that's been causing you all the trouble, sir." "He's an Internet superstar." "They call him the Angry Video Game Nerd." "Well, let it roll." "I'm finally gonna do it." "I'm gonna land the plane." "Up, up, down, down, speed up, speed down." "Ah!" "Ha ha." "Ha ha ha ha." "Ha ha, he's funny." "I like him." "Ha ha ha." "Sir, then there's his friend." "They call him the Super Rad Video Game Dude." "Hm." "Have you ever taken a really long dump and then you sit on the toilet going, god dang, what did I eat?" "That's the feeling that you get after playing this game." "This is Super." "Rad Video Game Dude." "Oh, not so much." "He sucks." "Let me learn more about this Angry Video Game Nerd person." "Don't worry, son." "It's just a flesh wound." "Look, Nerd." "I don't even care about this game review anymore." "I just have a really, really bad feeling about this." "Cooper, you don't want to heroically rescue the girl, you don't want to run headlong into Area 51, and now you don't even want to do a game review?" "Uh-uh." "What do you want to do?" "I'd like to stay alive." "Look, Nerd." "You're living in a fool's paradise, man." "I mean, let me show you all the ways in which we would die." "Come with me." "For starters, the base is situated in the middle of the desert, hidden by mountains in an area where Mother Nature is at its most treacherous and unforgiving." "The base is surveyed by online directional radar and military jeeps." "If you pass the signs, deadly force is authorized." "Even a bird flying through its airspace would get shot down by ballistic missiles." "Burrowing prairie dogs would get smoked out by nerve gas." "What?" "Oh, shit!" "Nerd, how do you expect to get in?" "There it is, Cooper." "Dreamland." "Here's a walkie-talkie so we can secretly communicate when I make it inside." "Secretly?" "Nerd, I'm sure they're already monitoring us." "Don't be paranoid." "How do I look?" "Let's just get this over with." "Alright, now, now hold, hold it." "Don't, don't let it go down yet." "Just don't rock it too much." "I can't hold you." "You got to hold still." "You want me to die or something?" "Be careful." "Alright." "Now listen, at the count of three, you're gonna drop me." "Alright?" "Alright." "Now wait for me to get in first." "Alright?" "One." "Whoa!" "Shit!" "Oh!" "Holy hell." "Security desk three to unit commander." "We've got a live one." "Um, take me to your leader." "Oh!" "Scalpel." "Scalpel." "Ah." "Intruder!" "Ah." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "What?" "Retinal scanner." "Rectal scanner." "Whatever." "Cooper!" "I'm looking at the Eee Tee game." "Yeah?" "So am I." "I mean for real!" "Area 51 is literally the game." "Of course." "How similar?" "Well, let me put it this way." "Zandor wasn't too subtle about it." "Alright, Nerd, you completed your lunatic mission." "Get the hell out of there." "Nerd, listen." "You've got company." "Don't ask how I know, just move." "Nerd?" "Nerd?" "Ah!" "Wouldn't this be a better world if people told the truth?" "Well, Nerd, ha ha ha ha ha." "We meet again." "From now on, there'll be no more fighting between us." "I've been watching some of your videos." "We appreciate your work." "You might even say we're big fans of yours here at Area 51." "Here, let me show you something." "I need your expertise." "No." "Won't you play this game for me?" "Isn't that what you do?" "No, I never play that one." "You hate this game, don't you?" "You see, we're not so different, you and I. We stand for the same thing." "You want to rid the world of this game and so do I." "Look at me when I speak to you." "What do you know about this Doctor Louis Zandor?" "I told you, butch Barbie." "I know nothing." "Why are you doing this?" "Your friend, Doctor Louis Zandor, designed this game with the floor plans to our base." "Don't you realize what a threat this poses to our homeland security?" "So what is this new Eee Tee 2 game you're selling?" "It's just a game." "Well." "You have quite the fan base I realize." "The gamers are loyal to you." "Have them send all their Eee Tee games to me." "Join me, Nerd, and this game can be history, forever in the past where it belongs." "You have your customers bring in their old Eee Tee games for a discount." "You give us the old games, and we'll make sure that this new game is a success beyond your wildest dreams." "I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl than aid you in your quest for world domination." "No!" "Well, yes, ha ha ha ha." "No!" "Get your hands on that filthy game controller, you damn filthy nerd!" "Yeah?" "Turn it off, you evil son of a bitch." "I can never get you every game on the planet." "Besides, do you have any idea how many Eee Tee cartridges are still in the public?" "And you know what?" "You've already lost because my fans have already found your landfill and dug it up and cleared out all the games." "They're probably at home playing them right now." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "There's no playing those games." "They've been smashed into little pieces since I buried them and bulldozed them in the 80s, but you have given me an idea." "I see now that your greatest weakness is not the hate you have for that game, but the love you have for your fans." "So I'm gonna blow them all into smithereens!" "For someone so interested in protecting Americans, you sure are quick to blow them up." "Well, sometimes you have to break a few eggheads in order to make a homeland security omelette!" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha." "Wait." "Doctor Louis Zandor is in that crowd." "Good." "But he has something of great value to you." "Oh, and what might that be?" "The Roswell space metal." "He stole it because he didn't want you to rebuild that alien spacecraft." "That's a lie!" "We have all the space metal." "You have nothing." "It's tinfoil." "Tinfoil?" "Don't worry, Nerd." "I'll save you." "How am I gonna do that?" "Wait a minute." "Who are we trying to be here, Pee-wee fucking Herman?" "Foil, it's all foil." "Tinfoil." "My plans have been foiled, you assholes." "Ah!" "Damn!" "It's glitching up." "Ow, that fucking hurt!" "Where's my space metal?" "Only Zandor knows." "Zandor, god dammit." "Well, I may not be able to blow up your gamers, but I can blow up your precious Atari monument." "Stupid Atari." "Stupid Mount Fuji." "Launch sequence activated." "Ha ha ha ha." "Ha ha ha ha." "So long, Nerd, and thank you for telling the truth." "Oh, that smarts." "Hey there." "Looks like you're coming with me." "No, my hands are tiny." "Okay, ah." "And away we go!" "Ugh!" "Whoa!" "Damn, dude." "You're heavy." "Holy shit." "I thought you were just a hoax." "Yeah, we get a lot of that around here." "Wow." "Wait." "We're gonna need this to get out of here." "Okay." "Oh, shit." "Exterminate." "Oh, terrific." "Killer robots." "Exterminate." "Here, have a gun." "Okay." "Must kill nerd." "Exterminate." "Let's get out of here." "Go go go go go!" "Get me Zandor." "He's at the landfill." "I want him alive!" "Whoa, I hate it when people shoot at me." "Fire, fire, fire!" "How do you open these doors?" "Ahem, down here." "Brilliant." "Look out!" "Hey, hey, hey, works every time." "Come on, come on, come on." "Go, go, go." "How do you shut these doors?" "I'll tell you there." "Hurry!" "Come on." "What are you waiting for?" "Shoot them, white arthropod moron." "I'm trying." "Excellent shot." "Come on, shut these shitty, slow-ass doors." "Whoa, nice shooting, Tex." "Well done!" "Exemplary work." "I can't fly one of those." "How about you?" "Alright." "Nerd, come in." "Nerd, come in." "Please, Nerd." "Fuck this." "I'm going in." "Hm hm hm hm." "So, outer space, huh?" "Yep." "Um, so why'd you come to Earth?" "I was looking for intelligent life." "Well, you found it." "I found life, yes." "Oh, that's funny." "No, I came to save you people, but you locked me up for 60 years." "I had nothing to do with that." "I wasn't even alive back then." "What about my friend Cooper who's somewhere out in the desert?" "What?" "Cooper, you know it's foot massage Friday." "Bring your ass home now." "I can't come home right now." "I have to drive this van and break in to Area 51." "You don't even know how to drive no van." "What do you mean I don't know how to drive a van?" "We'll find him, but trust me, we have bigger worries." "If you only know what I'm trying to prevent." "Prevent?" "You wouldn't understand." "Concerns the entire spectrum of existence." "Oh, what?" "Like the, the." "Megaverse and the Ultraverse?" "Yeah." "A cyber mutant death god with a satellite dish on his head?" "I've underestimated you." "Well, I don't care." "I'm just trying to save my fans from that lunatic Dark Onward." "Well, who's gonna save your fans from Death Mwauthzyx?" "Whoa!" "The whole world you live in is a video game." "It's a game that I made." "Then you people invented the nuclear bomb." "That's when I came down to settle things 'cause when the game gets out of control, Dad's gotta take it away." "Your dad?" "Death Mwauthzyx." "If he found out I created a culture of warmongers and xenophobes, all it'll take from him is one 360 turn from the satellite dish on his head and." "Existence as we know it will come to an end." "No, it'll be as if it never existed at all." "Just a punishment for me, but a painful apocalypse for you guys." "Psyche!" "Ha ha ha ha ha." "So how do we stop this?" "I need my spaceship." "That would help." "Well, it's in a million pieces, wherever it is." "I can harness their power and join them all back together if only you could find the pieces." "Well, Zandor hid them, so he's the only one who knows." "Oh, shit." "We got to find him now." "Ah!" "Dismount!" "Back off, Keith." "Back up." "Back up." "Back up." "Back up." "Attention men." "Bring me Doctor Louis Zandor." "Find him and bring him to me." "You can run but you can't hide." "Ah!" "Either we refuel or we land this thing." "Well, I don't even drive a car, so how am I supposed to do this?" "These controls don't make a fuck's bit of sense." "I'd have an easier time doing a handstand while taking a shit." "You want to know what happened to me last time I tried?" "Well, you ever see me play Top Gun?" "Not a pretty sight." "Oh, I'm gonna be." "Oh!" "Okay, bitch." "Come over here and untie me." "Let's see who can fuck up who." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Hang on, Nerd." "I'm gonna get you out of there." "Oh, shit." "It's Death Mwauthzyx." "Go!" "Fuck you." "No, no." "Oh, no, no, no." "Ah!" "Holy shitskies." "Alright, bitch." "Now I thought I could get through this without objectifying myself in a sexy catfight, but it looks like that's impossible now." "They're on us." "Hurry." "Whoa." "Did you see that?" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Holy cow!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "We are gathered here today to bring together, in holy matrimony, Robert and Lisa." "Robert, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to cherish, love from this day forward?" "No." "Bobby?" "Oh, god." "No!" "Bobby!" "Oh!" "Wait, but." "Shoot these gamer geeks if they don't get out of your way." "Oh, no." "We might be too late." "Alright, I'm going down there." "Come on, Nintendo skills." "Don't fail me now." "Up, up, down, down, speed up, speed down." "I'm gonna land the plane." "I'm gonna land it." "I'm, fuck it." "You did it." "I knew you would!" "Ha ha ha ha." "Back up." "Step back." "Back up." "Back up." "Ha ha ha, Zandor." "You are mine!" "Great, more guns." "Just what we needed." "Ha ha ha ha." "Ha ha ha ha, Zandor." "Ha ha ha ha." "Look what we go over here. $200 either one." "Oh." "Holy shit." "Look at that!" "Damn!" "I don't never win nothing." "Double zero?" "Woo!" "Ah!" "Hot." "Wait a minute." "That's Mandi." "No!" "Ah!" "I will get you!" "What the fuck?" "Oh, ah!" "What the fuck is this shit?" "Get off of me!" "Chick magnet!" "Iii." "No." "Mandi, it's me, Cooper." "Oh, Cooper, you asshole!" "You left me for dead." "I'm so sorry." "I just thought you were a double agent." "Oh, I'm not even a single agent." "Surrender, Nerd!" "You have no place to go." "You're mine now." "Nerd!" "Zandor." "There's something important I have to tell you." "The space metal, the pieces to the ship." "I put them in the safest spot imaginable, in the hands of all the children." "They're inside the Eee Tee games." "Ingenious." "Are you doing this?" "I have enough accumulated power now." "I can summon them all!" "Oh." "Oh." "Dirty son of a gun." "Ah!" "God, free me from this game." "Go, God." "Free me." "Thank you, God." "Thank you, God!" "Ah ha ha ha!" "Ho ho ho ho ha ha!" "Piece of shit." "Ha ha ha ha." "What the fuck was that?" "Holy shit, dude." "It went right out the fucking window." "Ha ha ha ha." "Oh, man." "Oh, let's play another game." "Up we go!" "What the hell's the matter with you?" "Are you all a bunch of pussies?" "Pick those weapons up." "Drive!" "Goddamn hypocrite cocksucker!" "I'll teach you not iii." "Oh, God!" "Oh, oh, oh, shit." "Ah!" "Whoa!" "Don't worry, Mandi." "We'll get out of here and save you." "Ah!" "Nerd!" "Oh, hey." "You came back." "Oh, man." "I'm so sorry I ditched you that one time." "Yeah, that was a dick move." "I know." "Cooper, you really turned into a man back there." "Thanks, man." "Oh, shit!" "What the mother fuck is that thing?" "Nice to meet you too, babe." "Ha, Death Mwauthzyx." "See, Nerd?" "I told you." "You thought I was making it up, huh?" "Well, I'll be damned if all that other stuff you said was true too." "None of that's gonna matter soon if he turns the satellite dish." "If he could wipe out all space and time just by turning that satellite dish on his head, then what the hell is he doing playing around in Las Vegas?" "That's how he gets his kicks." "I don't fucking know." "I've known him for 5,000 years and he never got around to it." "Imagine if you were Death Mwauthzyx and knew everything there was to know." "You would be so bored you'd go crazy." "And if there was one thing that maybe you haven't thought of in a while, one thing that nobody could ever learn, one indescribable, far-out, unimaginable, fucked up enigma of nature, way, way, way outside the boundaries of existence." "Maybe if I could direct his attention to that, he'll, he'll go away." "It's kind of like turning on Sunday night football when you want your dad to forget about your weekend chores you were supposed to do, right?" "Not even close." "I just need a good shot at that satellite dish." "I'll take aim." "Get him, Nerd." "I've always wanted to meddle with powers I can't possibly understand." "Whoa, now that's some heavy-handed symbolism." "Go for it!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "What the fuck?" "Ha ha ha." "You want me to explain?" "No, uh-uh." "Oh, boy." "Yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You're a goddamn hero." "Not yet." "I still have one last thing I have to do." "Yes, yes." "Oh, Nerd." "You don't owe Cockburn Inc." "Anything at this point." "Got to stay true to my word." "Care to give us an intro?" "And now presenting AVGN's long-awaited review," "Eee Tee 2." "He's the angriest gamer you ever heard." "He's the Angry." "Video Game Nerd!" "Let's get this baby fired up." "Um, I know" "we don't have the original cartridges, but can this ship somehow play the old Eee Tee games?" "This ship was the old Eee Tee game." "I can reload the bygone data from the circuitry." "Yeah." "So this is the new Eee Tee 2, hm." "It claims to be even worse than the original." "Ugh, look at it." "It's foul, it's putrid, it's despicable as it intentionally tries to be, but true wretchedness is too unique to duplicate." "The original stood the test of infamy." "Why else would you have all come out here in the middle of the desert?" "Not to buy a shameless sequel, but to celebrate the most spectacular failure in video gaming history and stand on its unholy grounds." "That's why we've all gathered here today." "And hey, there's more room in hell now, so let's make some new history and throw these fuckers in the pit where they belong!" "Hey." "Hey." "So, is birds before nerds okay?" "Well, if you got one, don't let her fly away." "Okay." "Oh." "Damn." "Okay, Cooper." "Hello, Cooper?" "Well, hello to you too, ma." "You okay, sugar?" "Yes, I'm fine." "I was just in a spaceship with the Nerd." "We just saved the universe, okay?" "Okay, bye." "Bye." "See, Nerd?" "You're just like my mom." "You're overprotective." "The fans don't need you to protect them from bad games." "They can take care of themselves." "Oh, thanks." "Yeah, and bingo." "Well, everybody, I said once before that I wanted every single cartridge of this game off the face of the Earth." "Ad I think I'm gonna get my wish." "But first, you're gonna get yours." "Eee Tee on Atari 2600." "To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play." "And most games of this generation were very simple." "Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets." "But Eee Tee is an enigma." "With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers didn't understand how to play this game." "You have to read the instruction manual." "So, once you understand how to play the game, it still fucking sucks!" "When the game starts, Eee Tee comes down from space." "And now he has to go back?" "Why'd he come down in the first place?" "All he had to do was stay on that ship and there wouldn't be a game." "And wouldn't that be better if Eee Tee just came down and went right back up again?" "Was there any colors available besides just green?" "The ground is green, the pits are green, and even Eee Tee is fucking green." "I feel like I'm taking a colorblind test." "No matter where you go, you fall in pits." "They're fucking everywhere!" "You get out by extending your neck which somehow makes Eee Tee float." "When in the movie did Eee Tee extend his neck to float out of a pit?" "Once you reach the top, most of the time, you just keep falling back in." "No, oh fuck!" "Oh, wait." "Get out of the pit, get out of the pit." "Ugh, fuck!" "There's a trick." "You got to fuck about with the controls just right." "It's just a really bad learning curve." "There's a way to catch yourself before you fall down, but you'll never be expecting it when you fall." "Oh, look!" "Shit." "The human brain can't react that fast." "I don't who can pull off that trick." "Maybe ninjas that take speed and sit around and play Atari all day." "The goal of the game is to find three hidden pieces of a phone that Eee Tee needs to call home with." "And guess where you find them?" "In the pits." "When you're walking around, you pass over these invisible spaces which hold special items." "When you're standing on these spaces, you can use them to perform a certain action." "For example, if you come across an arrow, you can use that to transport you to the next screen, but half the time, you're gonna end up on a pit." "So if you want to use the arrow, you need to remember what's on that space on the other screen as if the game is forcing you to think fourth dimensionally." "What is this game, for fucking scientists?" "It's marketed like it's for little kids, and that really shows a lack of communication." "Also, the whole game works off a randomizer." "All these zones and the phone pieces, everything, they're always hidden a different spot every time you start the game." "Some fans have spoken out in defense of this game, saying that it's different every time you play it." "Kind of like how every time I take a shit, it's always different." "What I really hate are the FBI agents and the scientists." "The scientist takes your ass back to the buildings and the FBI agent takes all your phone pieces." "What an asshole." "Trying to outrun these guys without stepping in the holes is a real pain the ass." "Come on, you motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker." "Come on, ugh." "Fuck." "And how come they can pass over a hole and you can't?" "Yeah, yeah, go ahead, pass over the hole again." "Yeah, fuck you." "I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole." "Even if you find the pieces, it's worth Jack and shit." "And Jack left town." "That's because you need to find the phone home zone also." "It looks like a space invader alien, but there's only one in the entire game." "And keep in mind, it's always someplace different, so you have to trace over every fucking space." "It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack or like a turd in a mudslide." "All the senseless running around drains your energy." "That's right, Eee Tee dies from moving around too much." "So maybe he'll find the call zone first." "After all, finding the phone pieces are easier because the question mark zone shows what pits they're in." "Got the call zone, but oh fuck, I wasted all my energy." "Maybe I'll find the phone pieces first." "Okay, got the phone pieces, but oh shit, the FBI guy took them away." "It's like a big brother who wants to give you a noogie and a wedgie at the same time." "And if you do manage to find everything you need in one flawless run, guess what?" "You can't call home unless there's nobody on the screen." "So if the call zone happens to be on the screen where the FBI and scientists are, you're fucked!" "Why does Eee Tee need to be alone when he calls, like a teenage girl?" "So when you find the call zone with all the three phone pieces and you phone home, then you got to make your way back to the landing zone." "But even worse now, there's a time limit." "You have to be standing on the landing zone at the precise moment at the precise time when the timer runs out." "And if an FBI agent or scientist walks into the screen, it doesn't work." "Why does Eee Tee need so much privacy?" "Does he need to tug on his little green beam or something?" "So, is it really the worst game of all time?" "Um," "I don't think so." "It's frustrating, it's challenging, and it's a brain teaser, but that's what makes it so addicting." "And considering it was made in such a short period of time, it's more sophisticated than anything of its era." "Raiders of the Lost Ark was just as strange and cryptic and that game was met with glowing praise." "Both these games came with instruction manuals." "Now I can understand kids just wanting to pick up a game and enjoy it without having to read anything, but if you could understand Raiders, you could understand Eee Tee." "So what was it that gave this game such a reputation?" "I can't answer that." "It's just something that happened." "It's something we needed." "Is there something mystical about the game?" "There is." "It's a floor plan to Area 51 as well as an access key and every cartridge contained a piece of the alien ship." "Sure, but forget about all that." "The mystical thing about all these old, craptastic games is that they somehow hold a place in our hearts and bring us back to that special time when we were kids." "And that's the power of the classics and the not-so-classics that we love to hate." "See you later."