"Greetings, travel fiends." "It's so exciting being here in London." "I'm already feeling right at tomb." "Care to join me for a little fright-seeing?" "Or maybe we could find a nice pub and tuck into some authentic flesh and chips." "Or we could go check out my English scare-itage." "I bet you didn't know your pal, the Crypt Keeper, was one of the crowned ghouls, did you, creeps?" "I've got all kinds of skeletons in my closet, which is kind of like the family in tonight's tale." "You could call it, "Father Knows Beast,"" "but I prefer, "Fatal Caper. "" "My God, what have I done?" "Retiring?" "You?" "I didn't say today." "And I don't mean tomorrow, but, soon, Mycroft." "You're a young man still." "Young men don't retire, unless of course they're my sons." "Talk to Miss Havisham." "Just listen to what she's got to say." "I do not want some old trout rooting through my affairs." "It's a small change." "You're never too old to change." "I am." "I'm dying." "I'm for the worms, old boy." "All these years, I've given you a bloody good living." "And now that I really need you, you want to hand me over to some ghastly dragon who knows nothing about me." "My last will and testament has to be handled properly!" "And because I appreciate that, I brought in Miss Havisham." "In matters like this, she's a specialist." "She's the best." "Well, I suppose, Redmond, if you feel that strongly about her..." "Why don't we start at the beginning, Lord Amberson?" "You want to change your will." "Why?" "As I'm sure Redmond's already told you, Miss Havisham, my life's in a bit of a muddle just now." "I'm not well." "No, weak hearts run in the family." "With the time I've got left, I want to get things in order." "Please, do go on." "Well, I've got three sons, you know." "About 15 years ago, one of them left." "Come on." "I don't want your sort in my house!" "Come on." "Get out." "Get out!" "Frank, he was called." "Haven't heard from him since." "I've begun to see now that he was the smart one." "HAVISHAM:" "Tell me about your other sons." " Can you feel anything?" " Yes." "Can you?" "God, this tantric sex stuff is brilliant." "I suppose I was the same way in my time." "Tell me about your other son." "Evelyn." "I know these envelopes were the staff's Christmas bonuses, Father." "I'm not stupid, you know." "When you hear why I took them, I think you'll be quite pleased with me." "£50 each?" "Really, Father, I think you've taught me better than that." "You should give them £10 and tell them to keep up the good work." "Then give me the £40." "Yes, I see the problem." "I've raised a couple of monsters." "The thought of leaving them my house, my money, my title..." "And was Frank so very different?" " That's why I disowned him." " And now you regret it?" "Right." "This is going to be tricky." "The first thing you have to do is tell them." "What, Evelyn, Justin?" " You must." " They'd kill me." "Wouldn't take much." "I'm not a well man." "You must, Lord Amberson." "Really, you must." "I'm sure you've given this a great deal of consideration, Father, being the clever man you are, but..." "What exactly does the new will say?" "It says quite simply that the two of you must locate your younger brother within six months of your father's demise if you are to receive your inheritance." "What?" "Nobody's heard from Frank in 15 years." "What if we can't find him?" "Then it all goes to charity, the house, the money, everything." "Charity!" "And the title?" "Oh, well, the title is yours." "You're the eldest, you can't exactly give it away." "Well, that's not so bad." "Righty-ho, then." "Everyone gets what they deserve." "You get titled, you get dead." " And I get nothing." " Maybe that's what you deserve." "Shut up!" "And as for you, you meddling bitch..." "That's enough!" "Get off me, you crazy old man!" "If you think I'm going to stand for this after a lifetime of filial devotion..." "So that's what you call devotion, is it?" "Keeping his arsehole warm with your face?" "I told you to shut up!" "The whole idea is grossly unfair." "I refuse to accept it." "It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not." "There's nothing you can do about it." "That's what you think, girlie." "There's plenty I can do." "I'll have the old bastard committed." "Actually, I think Father's right, changing his will." "Fine." "I'll have you both committed." "Maybe they'll even let me throw the switch for your shock therapy." "What's the matter with you?" "Miss your morning feeding, did you?" "Stop it!" "For God's sake." "Please, I wanted to bring you all together, not give you cause to fight." "My heart..." "For God's sake, call an ambulance!" "Old man, either you change your will back to the way it was, or I swear to God, I'll..." "Father?" "He's faking it." "HAVISHAM:" "I feel awful about this." "It's all my fault." "I forced him to tell them." "He knew it was a mistake." "The important thing is the will was redrawn on time." "Just make sure Mycroft's wishes are carried out." " Where's Justin?" " He doesn't like funerals." "He's inside." "Meditating." "Oh, that's incredible." "I'm going back to the office." "Call me." "My God, you're disgusting." "It's not what you think." "Morning, sir." "All right, then, maybe it is, but I didn't do it for me, I did it for Father." "You know why he's happy just to have the title, don't you?" " He thinks it's another way to get women." " Bollocks!" "I don't need a title to get women." "I'll show you." "Are you coming up, darling?" "Bed's still warm." "What about if I did have a title?" "Would that help?" "Sorry, I find you even more disgusting than he does." "Please yourself." "Makes your skin crawl, doesn't it?" "Your brother Frank, what was he like?" "Well, he was sensitive, I suppose." "I remember when he was little, he would look up at me with these wide, admiring eyes." "Drove me out of my fucking mind." "God, I hated the little bastard." "And you really haven't seen him for 15 years?" "Not a peep." "We're well rid of each other." "Good, I hope so, because I'd hate to cheat him out of anything." "Cheat him?" "What I'm about to say is wrong." "Even thinking about it violates the trust your father placed in me." "You see, there's a codicil in his will." "And it stipulates that if only one of his descendants remains before the deadline runs out, then that person gets everything, house, money." "I'd be willing to make that happen for you." "For a price, of course." "Miss Havisham, are you suggesting that we kill my brother?" " How much exactly did you want?" " First thing's first." ""Return to sender. " "Not known at this address. " "Return to sender. "" "We've sent letters to every address we could think of." "The boy's vanished." "Would it be possible, before time runs out, to have Frank declared legally dead?" "But we've only just begun to search for him." "If you want your money, and for all we know that's your sole reason for living, you'd better find him." "Fiona." "What did it say in Father's will, the part about finding Frank?" "It said, "Only after using all means at your disposal... "" "All means at our disposal." "We haven't done that yet, have we?" "We could hire a detective." "Detectives cost money." "Does it say anything about cost in the will?" " Well, actually..." " Right." "Of course." "For a moment there, I forgot who I was dealing with." "I have an idea that will tell us if Frank is alive or dead." "And it won't cost us a bleeding thing." "A séance." "I want to communicate with Father's spirit." "Now, if Frank is dead, I'm sure Father will know all about it." "If Frank's alive, well, then, we'll have to continue the search." "God, I hate you." "Now, Fiona, I'm sure that a consummate professional such as yourself could not rest assured knowing she hadn't done her job to the very best of her ability." "Unless, of course, there was some... hidden agenda." "Well, I don't see what harm there would be in it." "Marvelous." "Do you really think he's up to something?" "I know he is." "Your brother may be a sex maniac and a cad but I hardly think he's malicious." "Oh." "Evelyn, I'm warning you, heed my desires." "Your brother is alive." "And if you want your money, you'd better get your fat arse moving." " Pathetic." " It's ridiculous." " I mean, why would he go to such lengths?" " For your benefit, I'm sure." "How long will it take to have Frank declared legally dead?" "I'll start the paperwork today." "So, what are you going to do?" "I'm going to bring Father back from the dead." "Gatekeeper of the spirit world, permit us mortals a moment's transgression onto your plane." "The gates have opened for us." "This is crap." "Father, those you have left behind seek council with you." "Are you there?" "Justin..." "Father?" "Is that you?" "We have looked for Frank." "We cannot find him." "Have you seen him there, in the afterlife?" "For Christ's sake..." "Evelyn, I'm warning you, heed my desires." "Your brother is alive." " JUSTIN:" "Frank's alive!" " And if you want your money" " you'd better get your fat arse..." "I've had enough." "You're breaking the connection!" "Evelyn, heed your brother!" "I've got more to say!" "Your brother Justin mocks me." "Oh, my God!" "What the hell is going on?" "Chest hurts, does it?" "Good." "I hope it stays like that for the rest of eternity." " Fuck you." " No." "Fuck you." " Hurry up." " I am." "I am." "So, tomorrow, we make reservations at some secluded hotel up north" "using Justin's credit card." " Isn't that the plan?" " Right." "And, if anyone asks, we just say that he's gone to a hotel to meet someone." "You really have thought of everything." "I just wanted to make sure you got your money's worth." "Right." "Let's get this over with." "I'm afraid you're going to have to help me." " Justin?" " Surprise!" " But you were dead." " Tantric sexual breathing exercise." "Heightens orgasm and gets fat, greedy sibling to walk into trap." "If you're trying to scare me, it's working." "You have no reason to be angry at me." "Miss Havisham, please, please!" " You can't let him do this to me!" " I'm afraid I can." "He offered me a lot more money." "No." "No!" " I always said he was hard-hearted." " Come on." "Let's get this over with." "You know, you and I, we make a pretty good team." "How about once this little nastiness is over we do a spot of horizontal teamwork?" "Justin, I wouldn't have sex with you if the survival of the species depended on it." "Not even if you had a title." "You don't know what you're missing, darling." " You could help, you know." " I think I'd rather not." "I'm going to spend my inheritance getting this bloody hernia fixed!" "Can I help you?" "What a terrible way to go." "Weak heart." "Runs in the family." "I spoke with Frank this morning, Lord Amberson." "He's really looking forward to seeing you." "Mycroft." "Please." "I'm looking forward to seeing him." "Well done, Fiona, if I may be so familiar." "You know, I may be a bit older, but I still know a thing or two about pleasuring a woman." " You have beautiful breasts." " Thank you." "The truth is, I've had them done." "In fact, there is another piece of surgery that you should know about." "I've been waiting, you see, for the money I'm about to inherit." "Oh, God!" "You're a fella." "Hello, Daddy." "Frank?" "You said you wanted to put your affairs in order." "My God, what have I done?" "Exactly what you wanted to do." "Sorry, we can't stay for a chat." "The police will be here in a minute." "Come on." "Let's go." "He's right, you know." "You do have a beautiful body." "If I wasn't so set in my ways, I'd think about having a go at you myself." "You're never too old to change." "In the end Mycroft just didn't make the cut." "Then again, neither had Frank." "I bet that's one son-rise Mycroft wishes he'd never seen." "Well, kiddies, looks like I'll be staying in England for a while." "I think we'll all enjoy the trip." "And when we finally do go home" "I'm sure we'll have lots of souven-ears."