"Previously on Huff..." "You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm feeling here!" "Put the gun down right now!" "Hey!" "Dad isn't dead, mother." "Well, he is to me." "You're pawning me off on someone else?" "You will regret this." "You are always barging into every situation and demanding attention, making it all about you!" "I have had just about enough, Beth." "Mom?" "It's just my back." "I just need that" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, god, help me!" "My mother's going to die, and where are you?" "You're married." "You wore a ring at lunch." "You're not wearing it tonight." "Good morning." "Do I know you?" "I will stick my finger up your ass." "Pepper!" "This is what we call the giddyap powder." "Heroin?" "Get out of my house, you fucking pathetic lunatic!" "You look me in the eye and tell me you kissed her on the cheek, you fucking asshole!" "I kissed her on the mouth, ok?" "Twice, all right?" "Are you happy now?" "Twice?" "It's where girls wear lipstick and give guys blow jobs." "What else are you doing?" "No!" "No." "It's ok." "It's ok." "No please!" "No!" "No!" "I wigged out at lunch." "They've been after me all day." "They make me want to jump out the window." "Told me I could fly." "Hi, mom." "Hello." "Please tell me." "What do I have to do to get some of your fucking attention?" "I was your girlfriend the night we took ecstasy and smashed your flat screen." "Oh, god!" "I was horsie number 17." "Oh, yeah." "Now I remember." "I'm going to have a little baby Russell." "I'm ready to go home now, mom." "Oh, my god, you are so beautiful." "I'm going to be kibble." "But I will die if I get any closer to you, Teddy." "A drug called Clozaril." "There's a very small chance that he could have a fatal reaction." "Then no." "Mom, Teddy's outside whether you like it or not." "Sweetie, this isn't as bad as it looks." "You fucked my mother!" "Hey, ma, how about it?" "Can I have that pill now?" " No!" " Shit!" "Teddy!" "Teddy!" "Oh, my god, you are so beautiful." "I had no idea how beautiful you would be." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "All fucked up." "I fucked up." "Who cares, man?" "You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm- what I'm- what I'm feeling here." "What I'm feeling here, you know?" "I'm afraid we have to stop." "I don't feel safe with you anymore." "I mean, how many people do you think you truly help?" "Who the hell are you?" "But you're going to be there for her, too?" "It's just like you're there for every single other person in your life who is sucking you dry." "Who the hell are you?" "No, I'm not leaving you, but I am leaving." "Who the hell are you?" " You're crazy!" " I am not crazy!" "Yes, you are." "Please come here and get him." "He's crazy!" "You didn't have to throw him down the stairs!" "I love you, Huff, and so does she." "I have to repeat myself a lot and raise my voice." "Especially at staff meetings." "I don't know what the problem is." "I mean, it's not like I'm saying crazy things or anything." "You can do crazy things sometimes, dad." "I think it's my bite." "Is he pissed?" "I couldn't tell." "I don't know what he is anymore." "It pushes my tongue back in my throat when I close my mouth." "It makes me garble, swallow words." " Dr. Huffstodt?" " Yeah." "Jesus, man, why don't you just look at your watch?" "What?" "I said, why don't you just look at your watch?" "You just snuck a look over my shoulder, probably at a clock." "Yep." "There it is." "You guys have them hidden all over the place." "I wouldn't say all over the place." "What's wrong with your stomach?" "You've been wincing all session." "Really?" "I wasn't aware of that." "There." "See?" "Art, I apologize." "And when our time is up, you can just look at your watch and tell me." "Art, our time is up." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Not a chance." "No." "Tomorrow." "I said tomorrow." "Because there is no fucking way I'm going to drag my bruised and shattered ass back into the office this afternoon." "Are you fucking listening to me?" "You're not listening, are you?" "May I ask you what is so fucking important about this woman that she cannot wait till tomorrow?" "Well, then why do we want her as a client?" "I thought we hated pain in the ass clients." "Ok. 2:00, and then I am gone." "Because I have physical therapy at 4:00." "Why?" "Because my ribs are crushed, my neck is fucked, and I cannot breathe!" "God damn it." "She better not be fucking late." "Dick." "He's a fucking dick." "Bruised." "What?" "Your ribs, they're bruised." "They're not crushed." "Bruised is worse, smarty." "And you really shouldn't talk to Meeks like that." "He's a senior partner." "He's a dick." "He's a senior partner, Russell." "He's a smelly old dick." "He smells like urine." "Did that voodoo chiropractor guy call back yet?" "Uh, no." "I left word." "He didn't call back." "How about the pharmacy?" "Did the pharmacy call?" "Yes." "They called, and they said you do not have a prescription for Oxycontin." "They're full of shit." "That's bullshit." "Mills wrote me a scrip for 30 last thursday." "He said I could call for another." "You had 30 Oxycontin last thursday?" "Something like that." "And you don't have any more?" "I am in pain." "Oh, my god, Russell." "The whole world is in pain." "Oh, that's so fucking pithy." "Paula called, and she wanted to know what's going on with you and Huff." "What's going on with me and Huff... is fuck Huff." "That's what's going on with me and Huff." "He's a heartless asshole." "That's funny, because that's what she said he said about you." "I will see him one more session, and then I will decide." "What?" "I said I will see him for one more session, and then I will decide." "Now, what in the hell did you do to that one?" "Oh, he thinks I don't listen to him, and quite frankly, he's right." "I find him dull and boring and full of self-pity." "Plus, he mumbles, you know?" "He mumbles." "You know, there's a theory that when you list the faults of others you're really listing your own." "I don't mumble." "Huff, you may be feeling a little bit of that self-pity lately yourself." "Paula, dear, I am not having a good week, ok?" "My schizophrenic brother has flown away in my car." "I have absolutely no clue where he or it is." "That's for starters this week." "Huff..." "I'm going to pray on that self-pity thing." "Thank you, Paula." "I suppose I can't stop you from doing that." "And while you're at it, can you pray for my mom, who's taken to drinking all day like she's going to the chair?" "Let's see." "Who else?" "Oh, yeah." "My ex former ex fucking ex best friend, who's suddenly become the world's largest anus." "Pray for him, too." "Well, I find it hard to believe that Russell could be any more of an asshole than he already is." "Really?" "'Cause he fucked my mother." "Ok?" "Happy you asked?" "He what?" "Oh, you heard me." "Izzy?" "Consensual, yet." "Ugh, what a visual." "Oh, God." "Mom... you're in pain, aren't you?" "No." "Well, yes." "Of course, I mean, it is cancer of the spine, and it's certainly nothing I can't" "Manage?" "Right." "Manage." "When was the last time you took your pill?" "I don't know, honey." "Yeah." "Which means it's time to take another one." "No." "I don't like them." " You don't like them?" " I don't like them." "Why?" "Oh, it's hard to explain." "I..." "I" " I feel like I'm not here, like I'm- like I'm missing something." "Like pain?" "More than that." "I..." "I don't want to miss anything, honey." "Mom, please." "And I would like to get you that walker." "Baby, I'm going home in a few days." "That's right." "Do you want to risk falling down and getting stuck here for another 2 weeks?" "Oh, what the hell." "Just promise me you won't decorate it with green tennis balls." "Green tennis balls?" "You know, on the legs, the bottom of the legs." "Whenever I see some poor slob hobbling along with a walker, it makes me feel bad enough, but when there are those green tennis balls dragging along behind for," "I don't know, traction or something..." "I don't know." "It's just so depressing." "Fine." "No green tennis balls." "Russell, you are so late." "I'm a day fucking early in my book." "Meeks already called looking for you." "Yeah, fuck Meeks." "Who's this woman again?" "What's her name?" "Rathburn" " Dori Rathburn." "You come into my office in 5 minutes, all right?" "And you say I've got-I've got a physical therapy session in the valley or something." "But you don't have a physical therapy session in the valley or something." "Who are you?" "The king of police?" "I've been back here 10 seconds." "You're already pogo sticking my ass." "Go buy some fucking stamps, will you?" "5 minutes." "All right." "Good afternoon, Ms. Rathburn." "Missus?" "Miss?" "Ms. Rathburn." "I, um, traffic is just abominable." "Yeah, move it all." "Just move it all back." "Right." "Yeah." "Just push my entire life and everybody else's life I'm connected to just back one whole hour." "Uh-huh." "That's right." "And let's just hope that nobody gets shot on the freeway or hit by a car just because they were somewhere they weren't supposed to be at a time they weren't supposed to be there just because somebody had a little problem with traffic." "405." "Big bitch." "Yeah, and just call me back in- what?" "5 minutes?" "Yeah, thanks." "You know, it actually wasn't the traffic." "Oh." "So you're a liar, too?" "It's this brace thingy I got on my neck." "Yeah?" "Slows you down a little bit, does it, big boy?" "Yeah, that, and, you know, torn up ribs." "Had a nasty fall last week." "Yeah, lucky to be alive." "Oddly lucky in fact." "You know, shook up the vertebrae and the neck." "I just-takes me a little- little while getting started in the morning, you know?" "Bending over, pulling things on." "Pants, socks." "It just takes time." "Like pantyhose." "Pantyhose?" "Shucks, I wouldn't know." "So you've never worn pantyhose?" "When have I worn pantyhose?" "Hell of a nice bar you got there." "Oh." "Why, thank you." "Thank you so much." "Would you, uh, like a little something?" "Would you?" "Would I?" "Well, it is" "The middle of the afternoon, Mr. Tupper." "A little early." "I was just offering." "Client service and everything." "Yeah?" "Well, don't try to service me again." "I've been in A.A. for years." "Good for you." "Good for you." "I am in public relations, Mr. Tupper." "Image is everything." "Are you always late?" "Only when I'm not on time." "Being late is a control issue." "Passive-aggressive, yet still controlling." "Are you always passive-aggressive?" "You know, I would never say that I have ever in hindsight characterized the times that I've been less than punctual in precisely that fashion." "No." "You know, most passive-aggressives claim a certain surprised innocence when confronted with their own behavior, which I personally find to be the most insidious form of the behavior itself." "Right." "I sincerely apologize for my tardiness." "We are not in grade school, Mr. Tupper, and this is not recess." "You were late." "Plain and simple." "Pathetic." "What's pathetic?" "Tennis balls on a walker." "Why does that depress me?" "Not just now." "Historically." "I don't know." "Tennis balls represent a sport." "Something that requires a lot of strength and dexterity." "Most people who, uh, use a walker probably don't serve very well anymore." "Probably reminds you of times gone by." "That will never return." "Oh, Mikey." "I know this must be hard on you, too." "You can have my balls after I die." "Mother." "All right." "All right." "You can have my balls after I go home to New Jersey." "All right, Madeline, you ready to give this baby a whirl?" "I guess so." " You want this a little closer?" " I'm just- leg's fallen asleep or something." "You need a little hand?" "Oh, ow." "Ok." "Honey, can you give us a hand?" "Hey, I'm sorry." "Ok, mom." "Maybe all 3 of us can get me" "Yeah." "Let me just..." "So your client brings in this little dwarf of an auditor." "Well, actually, I never saw him, but frankly," "I tend to think of all auditors as kind of small." "You know what I mean?" "Depends on who and why they're auditing." "Nevertheless, this dwarf discovers that you have been grossly over-billing your clients allegedly." "My firm was grossly over-billing my clients." "Yes." "Very good." "Not you." "The firm." "Even though they were your clients." "Anyway, my vague and non-specific question to you regardingthis flagrant misunderstanding over your personal involvement with the alleged over-billing is this:" "Is there any way, any way at all, that we could establish, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you were in no way involved with the aforementioned over-billings?" "Not really." "Not really?" "That's why I'm here, silly." "Damn it." "Is there-what's wrong?" "Is there something wrong?" "I'm just a little parched." "Can you just- can you get me something to drink, please?" "Yes, of course." "I think I have some- some fiji." "Do you like fiji?" "I've always been taken with the, um, the little picture behind the, you know, the waterfall." "I love it." "Here." "Here, quench your- quench your parch." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. Tupper, but you have a very important physical therapy session in the valley in an hour." "I'm sorry, Ms. Rathburn, I forgot to remind him earlier." "It'll be next to impossible for me to re-schedule." "Stop." "Stop." "I'm with a client." "If I've told you once, I've told you 1,000 times, never interrupt me when I'm with a very important client!" "Get out." "Get out." "Get out!" "I'm so sorry." "She's new." "Ms. Rathburn?" "Ms. Rathburn." "H ello?" "Ms." " Ms. Rathburn." "Hello?" "Yes." "No." "Thank you." "'Kay." "Well, it seems like your 5 minutes are up, and I really must be going." "Well, when are we going to continue this, because I think we should continue this." "You need to continue this." "I think you may be in serious need of counsel." "How 'bout drinks tonight?" "All right." "And it is not a date, Mr. Tupper." "So let's not be fancy." "It is the continuation of a business meeting that we must continue because you were" " Late." " late for this one." "So find something that is convenient." "Have your assistant call my assistant, and I will meet you there." "Gram, I know you're in there." "I can hear you drinking." "Byrd?" "Yeah?" "Are you alone?" "Very." "I'm afraid I'm not a very pretty sight." "I'm feeling a little under the weather." "It's ok." "The whole house is kind of under the weather." "Um, I came to bring you down to dinner." "Food?" "Mm-hmm." "Steamed chicken and brown rice." "Oh, golly." "I don't think so, sweetheart, but- but thanks for being sweet." "Look, Gram, the only way that you're going to get through this, or the only way that any of us are going to get through this is just if we show up and we be together," "and we let the chips fall where they may." "Mm-hmm." "Well, you know, darling, in theory, showing up sounds very adult, but I am nowhere near ready to be an adult, ok?" "I don't suppose I should offer you a highball, should I?" "How old are you now?" "25." "Oh." "Scotch?" "Neat." "Gram?" "Coming up." "Thanks." "The way I see it, you've been drinking for about a week." "You can't do that." "You're gonna kill yourself." "That's the idea, isn't it?" "Gram." "Hey, stop it." "Please." "All right?" "Just go take a shower and put on some clean clothes and come down to dinner." "All right?" "Nana's gonna leave in a few days, and you like her, so don't let dad's craziness fuck that up." "Oh, you know the good ones always do die young, Byrdy." "You should try and be very hurtful to the ones you love, and you will be guaranteed at least another 30 years." "Mark my words." "I don't buy that, Gram." "Well, it's true, my darling." "You remember my best friend Lois, don't you?" "Mm-hmm." "She passed away last Christmas, right?" "Well, she didn't exactly pass away." "I actually had to put her down myself." "Oops." "Um, say that again, Gram." "Byrdy, she was another good one." "A massive stroke just turned her into a cucumber." "She was a lousy bridge player, but she was a wonderful friend." "She was my best friend, Byrdy." "I had no choice, sweetheart... but to put her down." "You mean like a dog?" "Oh, come on." "Don't be so noble." "You know, if Mike was a dog and he was pooing all ovner the house and he couldn't stand or walk or even, you know, run after a ball, you would do the same thing." "You would... you would help him along." "Yeah, but he is a dog, Gram." "Well, do you know what?" "Lois didn't even have the dignity of a dog." "She was in that lousy, hideous hospital, and she was hooked up to machines and tubes, and she was brain dead, Byrdy." "I made sure of that." "Brain... dead." "It was her Christmas present." "You understand that, don't you... sweetheart?" "Um... well, uh, in time, Gram, I probably will, but at the moment, it's kind of thrown me, you know?" "I mean, I just came up here to ask you to have some brown rice and chicken, you know?" "I didn't really expect to talk to you about you euthanizing your best friend." "Yeah, and I didn't think that I was gonna tell you, either." "I..." "Whoa." "Boy, oh, boy." "I thought I was gonna take that one to my grave." "Huh." "Might not have been a bad idea, Gram." "Well, it's our little secret, ok?" "Hmm?" "Oh, trust me, Gram." "This makes you and Russell look like vestal virgins." "That's not possible, Byrdy." "Vestal virgins can only be women." "And you can bet your bottom dollar that Russell was all man." "Don't you forget it." "Thank you very much for sharing that, Gram." "I really appreciate it." "Whatever happened to happiness, Byrd?" "Whatever happened to hope?" "I don't know, Gram." "Lately, it seems to be drowning in vodka." "Beth's looking for our I Love Lucy dvd." "She wants to laugh with you." "Something about your white cell count." "Ah, yes." "White cells." "Actually, I believe in the healing power of laughter, you know?" "Mm, absolutely." "I may have been trained in the west, but I hold out great hope for the east." "Great hope." "Then how come you and Beth never moved to New Jersey?" "Well, let's not go nuts." "Too bad laughter can't bring Teddy back." "Oh... yeah." "Yeah, it is." "You know, I've read all about cancer and laughter and remission and..." "Yeah, it's just that the more impossible it gets for me to walk, the more of a western realist I find myself becoming." "You know, there's actually a documented case of an 80-year-old woman in a coma and, uh, laughter." "You're kidding." "No." "Apparently, uh, this woman was in a coma for months, you know?" "Completely no brain activity whatsoever." "Brain dead." "Brain dead, right." "Apparently, one day, one of the nurses was giving this woman a sponge bath, you know?" "And when the nurse got, uh, down to her, you know, genitalia, um... her brain activity spiked." "The nurse was quite amazed and, uh, went and got the doctor, and explained, you know," ""I was giving Mrs. Goldfarb," or whatever her name was," ""a sponge bath, and I got down to her, uh... genitalia, and her brain activity went crazy. "" "So the doctor called the husband, and the old man got down there, and, you know, the doctor explained the situation." "He said, you know, "this is gonna sound insane, but this nurse here was giving your wife a sponge bath, and when he got down to her... um... her brain activity spiked. "" "And the guy was amazed." "He was like, "well, so what does this mean?"" "The doctor says, "well, this is kind of strange, but we think you should stimulate her." "Like, you should give her oral sex. "" "So the man goes in, and he's in there like 5 minutes, 10 minutes, a long time." "And the guy comes out of the room, and he's pale as a ghost." "He's-he's shaking, and he's pointing inside, can't speak." "They run in, and the woman is dead." "Not just brain dead, but she's... she's flat-lined." "She's expired." "And the doctor says, "what the hell happened?"" "The guy said, "I did what you asked." "I gave my wife oral sex, but I think I might have choked her. "" "That's a doctor joke." "You got me." "You don't have to have balls to be a capitalist." "Any greedy little chickenshit mofo can be a capitalist." "Yeah?" "So which are you?" "A greedy chickenshit capitalist or a ballsy capitalist?" "I'm both." "How about you?" "Greedy." "Because I want to have enough disposable income to be able to give it to whomever I want whenever I want." "Good for you." "Nowhere is it written that a smart, sexy capitalista cannot give back both to the people and the shoe department at Neiman's." "Those are fabulous." "Thank you." "Gucci." "Love a fabulous shoe on a woman." "You know, um, I give money to a women's shelter in Nigeria." "There are men there who are HIV infected who believe that the only way that they can get clean is to have sex with a virgin." "Jesus!" "And voila!" "You've got 11 million AIDS orphans and what are we doing?" "I gave money to all those hurricane people." "You know?" "I was just sitting there in my fancy house in my fancy bedroom watching my big flat-screen TV." "I just went and clicked." "Bang, bang." "So easy." "Too easy, you know?" "Bet that's not the only bang bang, click click you're doing there on the TV, is it, big boy?" "Do you think?" "Hey!" "We are past ready over here." "Sorry." "You can redeem yourself by taking our order." "What can I get for you?" "You go." "I will have a nice, tall coca-cola." "Miss?" ""Miss. "" "You're adorable." "I'll have a Martini." "Grey goose up." "Cold, olives, dirty." "You're having a Martini?" "Yep." "I thought that you were in A.A." "I said I go to A.A." "I did not say I was sober." "You still want that coke?" "So confused." "I'm sorry." "What?" "Nothing." "What was that look?" "What look?" "I didn't give you a look." "Yes, you did." " No, I didn't." " You did, too." "I fucking hate this bathroom." "What's the matter with the bathroom?" "Ugly colors." "Stupid stenciling." "Fucking stupid, dumb, fake claw foot tub." "Stupid shower." "Stupid tile." "You're right." "Thank god you said something." "I hate this fucking bathroom." "It's stupid." "Fuck this stupid fucking bathroom, you know what I'm saying?" "And there's no room in it." "Have you noticed that?" "There's no goddamn room in here." " You're crazy." " I'm crazy?" "Girl, you crazy." "You are so- you so crazy." "You crazy, girl!" "Quit it!" "You're gonna miss me in New Jersey." "When you're there, you're gonna count the days that you're away from me, aren't you?" "I'm coming back as soon as my mother dies." "Yeah, but you're not coming right back after your mother dies, are you?" "You're gonna stay." "For a while." "How long is "for a while" is what I'd like to know." "I don't know." "You don't know?" "No, I really don't know." "You have no clue?" "A week?" "A month?" "No idea?" "Honey..." "Look, I'm just so tired right now." "Really." "I'm just" " I'm tired." "And number 3." "You are adorable-le-le-le!" "Is that 3?" "I mean, I was just thinking, is it- you know, even people who I know who go to A.A. and drink, they rarely have 3." "I am not a child, R-R-Ricardo." "Russell." "And children... and people who have children... in this age and day are no better than people who buy hummers, if you know what I mean." "Um, I have no idea what you mean." "But I'm certainly not bored." "Tch." "You don't have any kids, do you?" "My guess would be no." "Really?" "Why?" "Is there something about me that makes you think that I wouldn't be good at that?" "Well, you just don't have that "daddy, daddy, daddy" kind of, you know..." "Do you have any?" "No." "Not yet." "No." "No." "Oh, Russell... you have got to promise me... that you won't let me go to prison." "'Cause I can't go to jail." "I can't eat bad food and wear orange jumpsuits and eventually let my real hair color grow out because..." "Russell..." "I'm really quite mousy under this." "And I'm not really sparkly at all and..." "Ok." " Promise." " I promise." "Yep." "I promise." "Because Martha Stewart is the last blonde they are gonna take down just because she's a successful woman!" "You know, fuck them." "Fuck them, Ricardo!" "Fuck them!" "Fuck them!" "I am not going to camp cuntcake." " No." " No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Whoo." "Damn it." "I'm just-I'm really not supposed to... drink with all this medication, you know?" "I" "Yeah." "Did I tell you I'm an epileptic?" "No, you didn't." "Yeah, I'm an epileptic." "Yeah." "Whoo." "It's the drink, you know?" "Yes, it's the drink, yep." "Ok." "When the room is spinning... and I'm thinking about dick... yeah, 'cause if it's a seizure..." "Whoo!" "And the room is spinning and..." "Oh, it's ok." "Oh, dear." "I'm cool." "Yeah." "Whoo." "Yeah." "Ok." " Wow." " Oh, boy." " Yeah." " Ok, here we go." " Yeah." " Come on." "Come on." "Ok, just- good." " Let me help you." " Ok, good." " Ok, here we go." " Yeah." "Show me your dick." "Oh, dear." "Ok, hold on." "Hold on." "Here we go." "Oh, boy." "Ohh." "Show me your dick." "Show me your dick!" "Ok, here we go." "Hey, hey." "Show me your dick, honey." "There we go." "Party time!" "Show me your dick!" "Uh, fuck Russell." "I just asked if you've heard from him." "No, I haven't heard from him, and he hasn't heard from me, and that's a good thing, believe me." "If he hadn't sniffed and landed on mom," "Teddy never would have gotten away." "No, if your mom had met you and Teddy in the park like she said she would, then Teddy would never have gotten away." "Can't blame Russell for that one." "Honey, the man is a lard ball, ok?" "A big, fat, fucked-up, lonely lard ball." "You realize if I don't find Teddy soon I may never find him?" "And he's off his meds." "That's just so bad." "You have any idea what that might do to him or make him do?" "Yeah." "Anyway, I made your mom laugh really hard tonight." "Really?" "Yeah." "That's good." "I told her a blow job joke." "My mother, who's dying of cancer, you told her a blow job joke?" "Yeah, she loved it." "I mean, they do exist, you know." "in sickness and in health." "It's about this 80-year-old woman in a coma who chokes to death trying to suck her husband's dick." "That doesn't make any sense." "Well, it-he-he's trying to get her to suck his dick because- it's a funny joke." "Trust me." "Ugh." "She was probably stoned on pain killers." "No." "Well, yeah, she was, but it's a funny joke, drugs or no drugs." "Whatever." "She was really laughing hard at it." "She was, like, freakin' out, she was laughing so hard." "Must've upped her white cell count by, like, at least a hundred." "Yeah, well, it's a little late for that now, isn't it?" "Yeah." "I guess." "You have reached your destination." "Who was that?" "Oh, my GPS." "I put your address in." "Oh, I love those." "I call mine "Elliot. " He's my imaginary friend." "Am I home?" "If you gave me the right address." "Yeah." "Yep." "I'm home." "You sure you're ok?" "God, one fucking Martini." "3 fucking Martini." "Oh, pff!" "Oh, it's so unfair, you know..." "I just think sometimes I should just drink and get loaded and have seizures instead of taking all that damn medication." "Trust me." "I think it's not a good idea." "Um... nice crib." "Capitalism is my friend." "So... gettin' late." "Would you like me to" "I can walk you to your door." "Are you ok?" "God-no!" "There's something about a door and a guy that turns every guy into a 16-year-old." "You know, they've gotta cop a feel or get a kiss." "It's just... genetic." "Oh, I don't know if all men are necessarily like that." "I mean, I think some men take into consideration a woman's feelings and get to know them a little bit before they become physical." "Some men do." "Jesus Christ!" "Ok?" "There!" "Good night!" "I'd suppose you'd laugh in my face if I told you I felt violated." "Not your face." "This is so not my destination." "So... we're agreed." "We're agreed." "Just to make sure we're hearing the same thing here, what's the agreement?" "If ever I think you're not listening or paying attention to me," "I'll tell you right away." "Very good." "That way we can deal with it right in the moment and get to the bottom of it." "So-ahem." "How's your stomach?" "What?" "See?" "Right there!" "You weren't fucking listening to me!" "What the hell is going on?" "Art, I didn't hear you, ok?" "There's a difference." "Sometimes you do mumble." "Oh, great." "So now it's my fault." "Ever think you might not always want to be heard?" "That is such a shrink question." "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry, Art." "I never interrupt a doctor in a session." "It's Teddy on the phone." "He's calling collect, and it's a lousy connection." "Oh, my God." "Now you're taking phone calls during my session?" " It's his brother." " Hello?" " I don't give a shit who it is." " Hello?" "Teddy?" "Hello?" "Teddy." "Teddy, can you speak up?" "I can't hear you." "Jesus, man." "Can you hear anybody?" "Shh." "Ted-Teddy, just calm down, ok?" "Take a deep breath." "300 fucking dollars an hour." "Unbelievable!" "You're in Tijuana?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Mexico." "Land that I see." "Home of the depraved." "There's a... funny-smelling, uh... dark meat here." "And a lot of vegetables." "I don't know the names." "I like the signs." "There's a lot of cool signs." "Where are you in Tijuana?" "There's a man, a man at a taco stand, and he keeps gettin' smaller and smaller." "But he's not a complete miniature." "Ok, Ted, do you need cash?" "I can send you cash if you need it." "Are you eating?" "Where are you sleeping?" "I crashed at Jesus' place last night." "Mother Teresa was there, too." "She's sweet, too." "She's missing her eyes, too, but..." "Jesus is... shit." "He's... he's like 100 feet tall or something." "But he's a really nice guy, and he's just really tall." "All right, Ted." "Where are you right now?" "I'm just, uh... just inside the border." "The guys at Woodburn said I could get drugs in Mexico." "Teddy, no!" "No!" "Do not buy meds in Mexico, Teddy." "I'm just gonna get that drug that mother said I wouldn't take 'cause it might kill me if I reacted bad." "Some such shit." "Teddy, do not buy Clozaril in Mexico!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Clozaril!" "That's it!" "I decided..." "I'm not gonna react when I take it, that way I won't ice, ice, baby." "Teddy, I can be there with your meds in 3 hours, ok?" "Where are you right now?" "No, no." "Don't sweat it." "I'll just-I'll just get the Clozaril right here." "Teddy, no!" "Teddy, where are you right this second?" "What's the address?" "Uh... some little... crummy pharmacy, uh..." "A pharmacy?" "Aguila Purpura." "It's a purple eagle or some such shit." "Aguila Purpura?" "What is that?" "I'm just gonna take the Clozaril, and if I don't react, I'm gonna come home." " And if... it doesn't work" " Teddy, no!" "Teddy!" "Te" "I hate leaving you like this." "I hate it." "You have to go." "I know." "And this is not my old shit of putting patients before you." "You know that, right?" "Well, he's your brother." "Yeah." "He's my brother." "Thank you." "And... you know, I just want you to know that I love you and when you come back from New Jersey, which I really, really, really hope that you do," "I want things to be different, you know?" "On my end." "I plan on seeing less patients and maybe having a group and just, you know... being much more available." "Ok." "Great." "Ok." "Well, well, well." "Hello, mother." "What are you doing up in the middle of the afternoon?" "Hmm?" "What's the matter, dear, vodka got your tongue?" "When did you become so cruel?" "I'm sor" " I'm- when did you become such a drunk?" "I mean, I know you love a good Martini or 9, but maintenance drinking in the middle of the day?" "You haven't done that since dad left you for his little 40-year-old kama sutra instructor." "Cruel and hateful." "And self-centered and mean." "Really?" "Well, you know what they say, mother." "When we list the faults of others, we're actually talking about ourselves, aren't we?" "Hey, mom." "Mommy?" "Don't you wanna know why I'm putting lunch meat and bottled water into my suitcase in the middle of the day?" "You guessed it, mom." "I'm off to beautiful Tijuana, Mexico, where I win the big grand prize of searching for your schizophrenic son." "That's right!" "Little Teddy Huffstodt, the wild and crazy son of Isabelle and Ben Huffstodt" "Stop it!" "...has fled the country!" "He's gone, mom!" "He left." "You know why?" "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Because one more time- one more time, you were too busy to go see him." "I mean, hey, ma, what was more important this time, hmm?" "Oh, wait." "No, I remember." "It was sleeping with my best friend." "Well, first things first, huh?" "You are frightening me, Craig." "Oh, really?" "What doesn't frighten you?" "What doesn't frighten you, mom, huh?" "He begged you." "He literally begged you to participate in any chance he might have of getting better." "But you were too scared to do that, weren't you?" " You know, mom" " Please!" "Mom, Beth's mother is in there dying." "Literally, she's facing death, and she has more courage and more acceptance in her little finger- in her little finger- than I've seen from you in years, decades." "Decades, maybe." "She's got more understanding and dignity and more love and respect for me and this family than I have ever" "Oh, of course she's accepting of everything." "Isn't that what comes with dying?" "Yeah, there's some hormone or there's pheromone or some brain thing that kicks in, and all of a sudden, everything makes sense." "Everything, my dear." "Sick children." "Dying friends." "Unfaithful husbands." "Suddenly, everyone is only coming from love no matter how hateful they have been in their lives." "You drown your child or you put a bullet through your own head, and it's nothing more than a cry for help." "But you get stuck with the living, and nothing, nobody makes any sense." "You know what the real tragedy here, my son, is?" "You have to die in this house before anybody... is willing to give you any understanding... willing to love you." "And it's none of your goddamn business who I sleep with." "Next time maybe you should consider knocking!" "I thought I taught you at least that much about life." "Oh, my god, you are so beautiful." "I had no idea how beautiful you would be." "At first the boxes" " I thought they were my brain." "Like drawers, closets." "I know, I wasn't..." "I wasn't exactly sure, but each one would open up, and a part of me would come out." "Every part of me had its own drawer- my eyes, my ears." "My toes and my fingers had their own drawers." "Then mother came out of a box, and Mike the dog came out of a box, and suddenly everything and everything I ever missed all had its own drawer." "Then there's this part of the dream where there's this big closet, but it's really just all the drawers all put all together." "Disculpe." "Estoy buscando una medicina." "Es para mi niño, pero no me recuerdo como se llama." "...Burst its doors open." "Un momentito." "Voy a atender a la señorita." "Sure, sure, sure." "Quiero un antibiotico, algo asi." "Creo que comienza con zeta." "Hey, listen to me." "Don't ever let your heart get so full of things that you care about and people that you care about that it bursts, ok?" "'Cause then you'll be dead like me." "Just-pffft!" "Gone!" "Away." "Bam!" "Gracias." "Ok, sir, what do you want?" "I need a drug." "I need a drug." "It's for people who hear." "It starts with a "Z."" "People to hear?" "People who hear things that other people don't admit that they hear, ok?" "It's called Clos" " Clos" "It's called Cloza- it's called Clozaril." "I don't know nothing about that drug." "No, no, no." "You're a drugstore." "You have drugs here." "That drug that you want, we don't sell here." "No, no, no." "Sure, you do!" "No, sir." "My brother's a doctor, ok?" "My brother's coming here, and he's gonna tell you what it is." "How can I know your brother?" "My brother is gonna say, "have you seen the good-looking kid with the wild, crazy hair?" Ok?" "And then you can tell him" "You owe me 20 pesos for the candy bar that you gave to the boy." "No, no, no." "I didn't eat it." "He ate it." "I'm going to call the police, Mr. Crazy hair." "Hey... fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Ok." "You want it." "Ok." "No, no, no, no!" "No police!" "Fuck you!" " I didn't hurt him!" " Hold that man!" "Crazy hair, never find me." "Crazy hair, never find me." "Señor, por favor, corteme el pelo." "Todo." " All of it?" " Si." "Yow!" "Oh... sh... fuck!" "I fucking hate cooking." "I hate cooking." "Veggies." "Roughage." "Hey, amigo." "Taxi!" "Taxi, señor?" "Taxi?" "Do you know where the nearest drugstore, pharmacy is?" "Yeah, yeah, I know." "It's like a purple eagle or something." "Welcome to anything you desire, live." "For street chat, press 1." "For rubber and latex, press 2." "For big tits, press 3." "For strap-ons, press 4, for squirting, press 5." "Please enter your credit card number or user I.D." "and then press pound." "Oh, squirty." "I like a squirty one." "I like a squirty one." " We're sorry." "Your call cannot be..." " Fuck it!" "Fuck you." "Please be home." "Please be home." "Hey, this is Pepper voicemail." "Leave a message." "Yeah!" "Shit." "Hey, Peppy!" "Paps." "It's Russy Tupp." "What's uppy?" "It's tuppy." "How you doing, darling?" "I miss you so much." "Um..." "I really do." "I miss your smile, and I miss your laugh, and I miss having your finger up my anus." "And I was wondering if there's anything you were doing right now." "Maybe you want to come over, because..." "I want to squeeze your brown bottom like bread." "Who's your daddy, who's your daddy, who's your daddy, who's your daddy, who's your daddy?" "!" "Pathetic." "I go-go bed." "Bed time." "Night-night." "Go to bed." "Night-night." "Night-night." "Ouch!" "Ouch... ouch." "Please don't be home." "Please don't be home." "I'm begging you, don't be home." " Hello?" " Hello!" "Kelly Kinippers?" "Yes?" "Kelly Kinippers?" "It's Russy!" " Hey" " Who?" "Russell Tupper, father of your child?" "All right, all right!" "I couldn't hear you." "Ok?" "So... what're ya up ta?" "'Bout 5'8"." " That's funny." " Funny." "I didn't hear that one." "Yeah." "So, um..." "I'm just here, and I was, um... just doing some work and taking a break, and then I thought, you know what?" "I'm gonna call Kelly Kinippers and see if she wants to come over." "I had a fall, you know, a terrible fall." "You told me you had a nasty fall last week." "You're drunk, right?" "I" " I did?" " Really?" " Yeah." "No." "No, no." "Couple glasses of wine maybe, but, um... the important thing is I... really right now... want to see you." "So..." "I'm hoping that you also would like to come over and see me and chat and visit and, um... so, if you're not too busy, that is, doing something else." "So my question is, um... are you busy?" "Absolutely not." "I'm too busy vomiting..." "All the time." "Morning, noon, night." "I can't stop." "Is that hysterical, or what?" "The doctor told me that it would stop in the second trimester." "That's... 6 months, right?" "That's right." "Give or take." "And I'm just... thrilled to still be pregnant." "'Cause it was... touch and go there for a while." "But that's how I got knocked up, right?" "Touch... and go?" "So... you got any juice or anything?" "Cranberry fridge." "In the" "Oh." "Good!" "Cranberry's good for the kidneys." "Helps prevent stones... which are supposed to be as painful as childbirth." "Hey, do you think cranberry juice will make my vagina trap open wide and let fellini just fall" "Oh!" "Don't hurt my baby!" "I mean, are you ok?" "Oh, dear!" "It's the meaty mac." "It's slippery." "Here you go." "I'll help you up." "I slipped." "I crushed you." "I'm so sorry." "I crushed you." "Oh, gosh, what the hell is this?" "Oh, it's meaty mac." "It's delicious, but it's treacherous." "I could throw up in here and no one would even know." "Oh, god!" "I just want you to know that I'm really glad that you're having this baby." "And at first, I know you wanted to get rid of it, and I wanted to get rid of it, too." "And then I didn't want you to, and now I'm really glad you're keeping it." "And I think you're going to be a wonderful mother." "You do?" "Absolutely." "And I want you to know 100% that I'm going to be there for you and anything you want, anything at all... you shall have it." "All you have to do is ask." "Ok?" "Ok." "Thanks..." "I guess." "Thanks." "I guess." "Wanna stay over?" " Sure!" " Great." "But I think I'm gonna go home." "Aw... come on." "No." "You don't want me to stay, really." "Oh!" "Sure... sure, I do." "Well, now." "But not tomorrow morning." "I'm your 4 a. m. girl, you know?" "Tick tock, last call. "Shit, she's pretty. "" "That is so not true." "You have low self-esteem." "You're cuddly and warm and soft." "So's a dog." "I like doggies." "Yeah?" "Well, see spot run." "I'm gonna clean this up before I go." "Oh, here, let me help you." "Here." "Ok." "And you... go, sit because I know that your bones are really throbbing." "I think I maybe have some real injuries." "Russell... it was really sweet of you to ask me to stay." "Oh, that's ok, Kelly Kinippers." "Sure thing." "Really, really sweet." "Oh, gee." "Oh, god." "It's ok!" "I made it to the sink." "Good girl." "Craig!" "Teddy?" "What the fuck did you do to your head?" "Teddy..." "Oh, god." " Are you ok?" " Yeah." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." "Please don't ever, ever, ever do this again, please?" "I won't." "I promise." "I look like a psycho." "No." "Not your head." "Not your hair." "Don't ever run away again, ok?" "Ok." "Oh, my g- did you take any Clozaril?" "No." "Fucking locked away." "Thank god." "Thank god." "You take anything else?" "No." "Stop poking at me." "I didn't take anything 'cause that motherfucker" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Easy, easy, easy." "Ok." "Ok." "Just relax." "Let me give you a shot, all right?" "Oh, no." "Not with a needle, ok?" "Teddy, you've had this before." "It's an antidelusional." "It helps you get your syntax back." "Oh, goody." "Thank you." "Ok." "No big deal, all right?" "All right, here we go." "Little prick." "Ok." "Ok." "Very good." "Thank god." "All right." "Please, let's get outta here." "Ok?" "We can walk to the border from here." "No, I can't leave." "Teddy, please don't fucking start with me, please." "You cannot stay in Mexico, ok?" "No, I mean I can't leave, ok?" "I parked your car on the other side of the border, and when I tried to go back across, they wouldn't let me, 'cause I didn't have any proper identification or some shit." "You don't have I.D.?" "I don't have I.D." "Nothing at all?" "I wrote my name in my underpants." "You think they'll take that?" "Good morning." "Russell Tupper's office." "Hi, Maggie." "Yeah?" "Hi, it's Dr. Huffstodt, you know, Craig." "Huff." "Oh, good morning." "Is he in?" "Ha." "No... it's still pretty early in the morning for him." "Right." "Of course it is." "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa." "I was wrong." "He's here." "Hold on." "You see this bullshit?" "Page one?" "They're already burning the poor thing at the stake." "To a crisp." "Can I have some coffee, please?" "Dr. Huffstodt's on line one." "Dr. Huffstodt?" "Yep." "He's on line one." "Are you gonna take it?" "Um..." "I think-yeah." "I think so." "I believe so." "He'll be right there, Dr. Huffstodt." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Yes, hello there." "Good morning." "Hello?" "Huff!" "Hi." "Listen, I'm really sorry to bother you." "I know we're not exactly... we're kind of staying out of each other's way these days." "But I really need your help." "I got a big problem." "Shoot." "Yeah, so I'm in Tijuana, because that's where Teddy ran away, and I'm with him." "He's ok." "But actually, he's not that ok." "He hasn't taken his meds in like a week." "So I gotta get him back to the states, and the problem is he has no I.D. on him." "No I.D. whatsoever." "Tell him I have my underpants." "Please, please just relax, ok?" "So anyway, I just spent like an hour and a half at the border, and I was begging and pleading, explaining the medical situation, but those fuckers will not let him through under any circumstances." "I must have I.D., so... here's what I need, ok?" "I need a driver's license for him." "Somehow I need you to get a driver's license for him, and I need you to drive it down here like right away to Tijuana, like today." "Can you do that?" " No problem." " No problem?" "No problem." "Really?" "You can just- you can just do that?" "It's not a problem." "Oh, god, thank you so much." "Thank you." "Where should I meet you." "Where are you staying?" "Teddy-Teddy, please don't wander away, please?" "Ok?" "Russ is gonna help us." "You're gonna be back in Woodburn before you know it, ok?" "Woodburn?" "Who said anything about Woodburn?" " I don't wanna go back to Woodburn." " I cant' hear you." "Where should I meet you?" "Where are you staying?" "You know, we're not anywhere." "We're not staying anywhere yet." "I'll be, uh... there's a Hotel Nelson right in the middle of town." "I'll be at the Hotel Nelson." "Hotel Nelson?" "Why don't I get us a couple of rooms at the Del?" "Because I can't go to the fucking Del, Russell, because I'm in fucking Mexico!" "Wh" "I'm really sorry." "I apologize." "I'm sorry to snap." "I'm just a little... out of my mind." "Ok?" "Ok." "So I will meet you at this Hotel Nelson at... 9:00." "I really appreciate it." "Thank you very much." "Um... and... and Huff..." "Yeah?" "9:00." "Ok." "Thank you." "9:00 p. m." "Maggie!" "All right, Ted." "Good news." "We're" "Teddy?" "Ted?" "Teddy!" "If you're a Jehovah's witness, go away." "I'm already" "I'm already saved." "Um, Izzy?" "Izzy, it's Russell, dear, and I very much need to speak with you." "Russell?" "Just a moment!" "I, uh..." "I just got out of the bath." "I, uh, I like to stay fresh in the afternoon." "Don't you?" "Yes, I do." "Oh, my god." "A gentleman caller in the middle of the day." "How lovely." "How considerate." "How unexpected." "May I?" "Did anybody see you?" "No, I don't" " I don't think so." "You look worse than I do." "I do." "We both look like death." "I feel like death." "I am death." "You should see Beth's mother- that's death." "Please... don't remind me of that poor woman." "Oh, god." "What is happening to the world?" "Death is everywhere, Russell" "Africa, Iraq..." "Westwood." "Can I fix you a drink?" "I better not." "All I ever wanted was happiness." "Why is something that we are supposed to strive for so elusive, huh?" "I don't get it." "It's so cruel." "Maybe you should get out of the house, dear." "You know, have a little walk, maybe some fresh air?" "Oh, well, it certainly didn't work for you, did it?" "Well, maybe you're right." "You know, maybe I should go on a trip." "It might be just the thing." "Maybe I should go to the- ooh, the continent, hmm?" "Ben and I used to vacation in Monaco." "But now that Rainier's gone, who cares?" "You know, one of those- one of those drunk little princesses would probably just run me off the road." "You know?" "Oh." "Poor Grace." "Ohh." "Golly." "I really miss the monarchy." "Don't you, Russell?" "Now, Izzy..." "I know this might sound a little bit odd... coming from me, but how long have you been drinking?" "Decades." "No, no, no." "I'm talking about... this little bender in particular." "Bender?" "I'm not on a bender." "Ok." "Alcoholics go on benders, Russell." "I'm just drinking." "And-and lamenting the passing of princess Grace and the loss of the monarchy?" "Not that I don't empathize." "I miss them, too, dear." "I really do." "Do you, darling?" "If you've come for a little love in the afternoon..." "I'm afraid I'm just not up to it." "You understand, don't you?" "Of course I do." "Rain check, though, perhaps?" "Oh, of course." "In the interim, I was wondering if you might be in the mood to do Huff a little favor." "I need a photograph of Teddy for a driver's license." "He needs one to get home." "Huff-Huff's found him?" " He found my baby?" " Yes." "And he's fine." "He's fine." "But he doesn't have a driver's license, and he needs one." "Well, he certainly didn't need one to get there." "Homeland security, or something like that." "Well, that's ridiculous." "Who's gonna fly a jet into a taco stand?" "Now, I'm" " I'll go find it." "I think I have one right here." "One minute." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, there should be something... soft and lovely in here." "Oh, golly." "Where'd the youth fly?" "Well, I still feel young and gay." "I certainly don't feel my age." "Echh." "When did this happen?" "This is perfect." "This one." "Would you mind terribly if I cut off Theodore's head, dear?" "No, I'm afraid that happened years ago." "Thank you so much, dear." "I do have to dash." "All right." "Russell?" "Yes?" "Before you go, could you just... well, I th" "I just wondered if it would be too much to ask if you could... just a kiss... on the cheek." "My cheek." "You take care of yourself, now." "Maybe, um... maybe a little- a little broth for lunch?" "Ok?" "Oh, fuck me!" "Ow." "God damn it." "Fuck!" "Ohh." "Charming." "Charming, really." "Buenas tardes, señorita." "Buenas tardes-s-s-s-s." "Hola." "Hola, amigo." "Hola." "Um... buenas tardes." "Noches." "Buenas noches." "Buenas noches." "Um, I... yo estoy, uh... recherchando... amigo mio" " Craig Huffstodt" "How many nights?" "No nights." "Um, I'm looking for my friend, Craig Huffstodt." "He's a guest of the Hotel." "A crazy american, fucked-up stomach?" "Uh, that's him." "Upstairs, uh, 205." "205." "Thank you." "You think he's up there right now?" "I think so." "Oh, good." "Thank you." "What?" "!" "Jesus." "Russell Tupper!" "Yeah, come in!" "The lock is bogus!" "You look like shit." "How's your neck?" "It hurts like hell." "And my ribs are sore." "And there's a little Mexican guy in my spine with an ice pick." "But it's ok." "You know why?" "Because I have" " I have medication." "I have wonderful medication." "Right." "Of course you do." "Voila." "One valid California driver's license." "No way." "How did you get this so fast?" "Where's Theodore?" "Where's your brother?" "I have no idea." "I was with him when I called you, and then he just fucking flew away." "He just fucking flew away?" "He fucking sprouted wings and flew away, Russell." "You been drinking that kind of Tequila with the little worm at the bottle?" "Yeah, I wish." "My stomach hurts so fucking much I can't eat or drink anything." "You need some food, that's what you need." "I saw a groovy-looking bean bistro on the corner coming in here." "Yeah, beans." "Fantastic." "Just what I need is more shit to blow out my ass." "Be good for you." "Come on." "My treat." "I'm buying." "Oh, mother..." "Oh, yes." "I know, baby, I know." "Yeah." "No!" "Oh." "No." "No." "Oh." "No." "No." "Oh, no." "Ugh!" "Mike, come on, outside." "Attaboy." "God." "Ok!" "All right, buddy, all right." "Mike." "Mom." "Don't come in here." "What is it?" "I" " I-I-I messed myself." "I got up to go to the bathroom, and I messed myself." "No!" "Don't- don't touch me!" "You are not cleaning me!" "I can do it." "Don't!" "You are not going to clean me!" "No." "Well..." "I can't go home now." "I waited too long." "I'm never going home again." "Horseshit." "You pushed me down the fucking stairs." " You are totally full of shit." " Would you stop it?" "You fell your fat ass backwards down the stairs." "I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs if you hadn't slammed my body onto the top of the fucking landing!" "Perhaps I would not haven if you hadn't just fucked my mother!" "I didn't fuck your mother!" "I made love to your mother." "And news flash!" "Your mother made love to me!" "Oh, would you just stop it." "2 lost ships in the night or some such shit!" "Would you just shut the fuck up!" "You self-centered piece of shit, don't you get it?" "It's actually not about you." "She is dying inside, that woman is." "You know that?" "She's dying inside." "What are you talking about?" "My mother's dying inside?" "How the fuck do you know that?" "Where do you think I got that fucking picture of your brother this afternoon- the internet?" "Are you still fucking my mother?" "That is none of your goddamn business." "Are you?" "!" "You don't fucking get it, do you?" "Do you know that she is drinking around the clock?" "She's mumbling about death and facial creams and prince Rainier." "And she is so worried about you and your brother she can barely speak." "That's not my fault, is it?" "!" "Everything is not my fucking fault!" "Exactly!" "Exactly!" "It's not your fault!" "And the sooner you figure that out and get over the silly little oedipal spasm you're having, the sooner we can find a good fucking whorehouse!" "Hey!" "Hey." "Hey!" "I'll sue your big goony mexican ass." "Assholes!" "I don't have an oedipus complex, you idiot." "I'll take your word for it." "Just don't go gouging your eyes out in a sudden moment of madness." "I'm not in love with my mother, you moron." "Of course you're not in love with your mother." "Just stop crucifying the poor woman, will you?" "Let her off the cross so she can have a shot at getting her act together." "She's a great lady." "Your mom, you know?" "A little- a little complicated, but a great lady." "Oh, god." " You ok there?" " Oh, yeah." "Jesus." "Did I get any on you there?" "I think I'm good." "Oh, there's a little glob right there." "That's all right." "Sorry." "I'll take it." "Oh, god." "Oh, god, my stomach really hurts." "That's not blood, is it?" "Is that blood?" "You're the doctor, but I would venture to say that that's a member of the pimento family." "See, look, that's red pepper right there." "Oh, stop." "Stop, that's gross." "Oh, god." "Oh, what the fuck is happening to me?" "You're healing." "What?" "You're healing." "I'm healing?" "Yeah, isn't that what your people call it?" "Yeah, I guess." "Ok, I'm healing." "Don't know what the hell I'm healing from, but... let's call it healing." "Good." "Let's." "But... how come you're not puking your guts out?" "You drank more than I did." "You didn't fuck my mother." "Oh, boy." "Oh, yeah." " You ok?" " Yeah." "I'm fantastic." "Don't worry about me." "Oh, I'm not worried about you." "Ok." "Well..." "I could use a beer." "How about you?" "Come on." "Let's go get some more beer." "Where's my fucking brother?" "Teddy!" "Teddy!" "Huffstodt." "Hola." "Teddy!" "I find this part of the Baja so festive, don't you?" "It is lovely." "Oh, look, we have some... dark and dusky..." "lassies." "Hello, Mrs. Sparkly." " Hi, it's lovely to see you." " Oh, we have 2 little sparklies." " Hi, how are you?" "No, thank you." " Hello, little sparkly." " No, thank you." "Pardon me." " You are adorable." "Pardon me." " Ooh, and I like that scenic print." " Hi." "Hello." "Please." "Hi." " Muy caliente este printo." " Teddy?" "Ted?" " You have some lovely" " Hello?" "It's me." "Hello?" "I can't hear you." "It's me!" "Oh, hey, honey." "How you doing?" "I'm sorry." "I can't hear very well." "I thought you might've been Teddy." "It's my mom." "She-she got up... in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom," "I think, and she fell." "And she- she messed herself." "She went to the bathroom all over herself." "It was awful." "Oh, my god." "I carried her upstairs, and I cleaned her off in the shower." "And she was so humiliated." "And she practically went into a frenzy when I suggested that we go to the hospital." "And she" "Oh, she asked me if it was ok if she died here." "She asked me that." "Oh, man." "Ohh!" "I have to get her a nurse, right?" "I have to get a nurse to come to the house." "Yeah, honey, call Paula." "Now?" "In the middle of the night?" "Yeah, she'll be ok with it." "Believe me." "Sometimes we recommend hospice workers to people, you know." "She's got all that information." "Just call Paula, honey." "Craig, this is Vanessa." "Who's that?" " It's Russell, honey." " No, it's not Russell." "My name's Kevin, and I'm from placitas." "Ow!" "Fuck off, you idiot!" "God!" "What's going on?" "He just gave me a titty-twister." "I'm sorry." "He sounds drunk." "Are you drunk?" "No, no, no, no." "Vanessa is gonna take us disco dancing at a strippy club." " Shut up." " And you're invited." " A strip club?" " No, no, no, we're not- shut up!" " We're not doing that, honey." " No, you shut up." "You threw me down the stairs." "Fuck off." "Um, hold on one second, ok?" "Russ?" "Russell!" "Russ!" "I'm so-honey, I'm sorry." "Go ahead." "My mother is literally shitting all over herself, and you are drunk in Tijuana going to strip clubs?" "I thought you went down there to find your brother." "Honey, we are." "We're looking for Teddy right now." "Jesus, Huff!" "Hon- hello?" "Honey, hello?" "Oh, come on." "Don't- fuckin' don't do that!" "Don't fuckin' do that." "Fuck!" "Poor, poor Beth." "It's getting real nasty, isn't it?" "It's nasty." "Yeah." "Beth, how is she?" "Oh, I don't know." "I can't even tell anymore." "I got ahold of Grace Lamaster." "She's my favorite hospice nurse in all of L.A." "Grace is kind and loving, experienced." "You mind if I get a beer?" "Oh, god, no." "I mean" " I mean gosh, no." "Beth, God made beer." " Yonu want one?" " Yeah." "Don't be so jumpy." "Sometimes it's right here." "This is like prayer in a bottle." "Did you know that?" "That's why they call it "spirits. "" "Right now, we're gonna have a toast." "Ok." "Here's to everything good." "Huff and Teddy are on their way back home?" "No." "Uh, he lost him again." "It's all just crazy." "I don't know what we did to deserve all this." "Beth... you don't deserve any of it." "God just thinks you're strong enough to handle it all." "He's just trying to move a whole lot of shit out of the way at once." "But there are better days ahead." "Now why are you doing dishes at 3:00 in the morning?" "I'm not sure." "Beth, take your weary ass to bed." "I'll do the dishes." "Oh, god, Paula, you are the best." "And don't you look up at that ceiling for 2 hours." "You hear me?" "Go to sleep." "No problem." "Lord... please." "Open up Huff's eyes and ears and let him truly see what I know that you have already put before him, lord." "You will show him the way, if he'll listen." "You'll show him the way, if he'll see." "Please, Jesus." "Please." "Lead him to his precious, precious brother." "Honey, please, you have to believe me, ok?" "We're not partying here, all right?" "Russell was here to give Teddy an I.D." "He could not get across the border without it." "And then Teddy ran away again." "Eh, fuck it." "She's not gonna- she's not- fuckin' mistrustful, fuckin' harsh, fuckin' pain in the fuckin' ass!" "You know, there is a theory." "When you list the faults of others, what you're really doing is listing the faults of yourself." "Ishvan?" "Hey!" "No." "This is Tijuana." "I'm Carlitos here." "Uh, you find Teddy yet?" "No, no." "How do you know about that?" "Oh, no." "Let's not ask each other one more year of the same questions, ok?" "So how's your bleeding ulcer?" " My what?" " Oh, oops." "Sometimes I get ahead of myself." "I have a bleeding ulcer?" "Well, well, you're going to have to start growing or your stomach is going to kill you." "I think I'm ok." "I think I just ate something not so good." "No, it's more like something you keep swallowing over and over and ov" "But first things first, where's Teddy?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "He ran away again." "I know he ran away, you loco doctor psychologist." "I asked you where he is." "I don't know where he is." "He ran away." "He told you where he is." "You didn't listen and you don't see." "He said he was with Jesus and mother Teresa." "So if that means he's at a church, I'm shit out of luck, man, because I've been to, like, 20 of them." "Look around." "It's Mexico, you know?" "Christ is everywhere." "Ha ha." "Pretty much." "But I said you didn't listen." "Would you listen?" "When Theodore called you, what did he say about Jesus?" "He said that Jesus was very tall." "Very, very, very tall." "Yeah." "Finally." "Finally what?" "What finally?" "Oh, that fucking Jesus." "Did you mean" "Hey." "Ay yi yi." "I'm pretty fucked up." "How you feeling?" "Not good." "Mom... um... we need to talk a little bit about what's happening." "I'm not going to the hospital." "I know." "I have a nurse coming to the house." "A nurse?" "A hospice nurse." "Wow." "The blink of an eye." "A hospice nurse in the blink of an eye." "Um... a bed is coming to the house and... we're putting it downstairs in the den." "And I called daddy and he's gonna... take the next flight out." "So... he should be here early tomorrow morning." "Daddy's coming?" "Paula's picking him up at the airport for us." "How long do I have, honey?" "Has anybody told you how long I have?" "You sure this is the place, Huffy?" "No." "Hey, hey, hey." "Pay up." "Oh, no, no, no." "And then we all go home." "No." "No way." "Russ, just stay with the cab." "I'm gonna stay in the cab." "Asshole." "Hey, language, paco." "Language." "Hello?" "Teddy?" "Hello?" "Teddy, are you in here?" "Jesus." "Teddy?" "Teddy, come on." "Teddy!" "You were right." "Jesus is very, very tall." "Wow." "Mother Teresa doesn't have any eyes." "Teddy, come on." "You don't have to go back to Woodburn, Ted." "I just said that out of force of habit." "Teddy, please." "This place is really creepy." "Ok?" "Can you just come out and come home with me?" "Waited too long, Craig." "I can never go home again." "Jesus." "Jesus." "No, it's Ted." "We're standing under Jesus' blue ball." "Teddy, how did you get up there?" "The stairs." "I walked." "Well, how 'bout walking' down?" "I can't." "Teddy, please." "Come on." "No, Craig." "All right, well, I'm coming up there, then." " Don't do it, Craig." " Teddy, I just wanna" " No!" "Don't do it, Craig!" " Ok." "Ok, ok, ok." "Why'd I have to get so sick?" "Why'd I get so sick?" "Why didn't you get sick instead?" "Uh... excusamente, señor." "Uh, uh, necesito pen" " Uh, te marijuana?" "Por me poquito marijuana?" " You want marijuana?" " I wanna marijuana." "Pesos." "Pesitos?" "¿Tengo pesitos para marijuana?" "Ok?" "Ok." "Gracias." "Answer the question!" "I don't know." "Come on!" "Answer it!" "Teddy, I really don't know." "You're a fuckin' doctor." "You're a psychiatrist." "You're supposed to know everything." "Oh, Ted." "I hardly know anything." "I'm so sick, Craig." "I'm so much sicker than ever thought I was." "When I was in your car coming here... fucking car started talking to me." "It was this woman saying, "Turn around." "Go left!" "Turn right!" "Go back!"" "Cars don't talk, Craig." "I know that." "Ted, actually, these days, they do." "Liar!" "No, Ted, I'm not lying, I swear to you." "Fancy new cars have a GPS system, it's called." "It's like a computerized map that talks to you." "Liar!" "Maps don't talk!" "Why should I go home with you if you're just gonna lie to me, year after year?" "Just leave me here, Craig." "Just stop worrying about me and just fuckin' let me go." "Just fuckin' let me go." "Daddy." "We made it." " Hi, angel." " Hi." "Are you hungry?" "I had a soda on the plane." "I'm fine." "Let me see your mother." "Baby, baby, baby." "Sit down." "We have to talk." "Why didn't you call?" "Why'd you let it go like this without calling?" "I was coming home." "It went like this without my permission." "Are you feeling any better at all?" "Ohh." "Please, honey, sit down." "I have something to say." "What is it, sugar?" "I've thought long and hard whether I should tell you this." "Long and hard." "And I've decided I" " I really have no choice in the matter." "You have to know." "Just-just promise me you'll let me get it all out... won't interrupt till I'm finished." "I promise." "See... there was this 80-year-old woman lying in a coma." "All scientific indications showed she was brain dead, totally brain dead." "But one day this nurse was giving her a sponge bath, and when the nurse got down to the woman's..." "He cried all the way in from the airport." "And I say good for him." "Exactly." "Oh, God, I hope this doesn't kill him, too." "What the hell?" "Leave it to my mom and dad to put the fun back into dying." "Hey, Craig?" "Mmm?" "Are you awake?" "Yeah, I'm up, Ted." "'Cause I'm not feeling too good." "I'm gettin' a little dizzy." "Teddy, please come down?" "I have another shot for you in the cab." "You'll feel better." "Oh, goodie." "What will this one do?" "Will it make the chickens stop talking?" "Huh?" "I bet you don't hear chickens, Craig." "No, Ted, I don't hear chickens." "They're pissed off because nobody thinks they're really birds." "They're telling me I can't trust you." "Teddy, please?" "Of course you can trust me." "They're telling me you don't have a shot in the cab." "I really do have a shot for you in the cab, Ted." "They said I could fly." "Teddy, you cannot fly." "Oh, yes, I can." "Watch." "Teddy." "Teddy!" "Subtitles:" "Willow's Team Transcripts:"