"Previously on "dexter"... two treasure hunters made a ghastly discovery today" "When they stumbled on what appears to be" "An underwater graveyard" "In a crevice off the coast of miami." "Agent lundy has requested the following officers" "For his joint task force." "We're a team, and our first play is i.D.Ing those bodies." "I'm dexter morgan." "I know who you are." "Hoping they'll talk to you?" "They always speak." "You just got to ask the right question." "Harry was right." "Nothing stays buried, perhaps not even me." "Should i be worried about pascal?" "And you're asking me because?" "Because you've done the job." "So, if she's out, that means you're back in." "I won't dignify rumors, captain." "Pascal's fine." "You need to, uh, wrap your wrists" "So you don't hurt yourself again." "I'm sorry." "We'll get you into a program," "We'll get you the help you need," "And i will be there for you." "I'm dexter, and i'm not sure what i am." "Everyone in that room has heard or lived far worse" "Than anything you've ever done." "I doubt it." "How full of shit are you?" "The mask is slipping." "People who never mattered before are suddenly starting to matter." "Didn't your tour in the army" "Include some special op in haiti?" "There's my sponsor." "Really, where?" "Just as the worst heat wave in years hits miami," "The heat is also on me." "It's week three" "Of the bay harbor butcher investigation," "And superduper special agent lundy" "Has yet to throw up his hands and say," ""Wow, this guy's good." "I give up."" "Dexter, please." "Do you want me to help?" "No, i just - I just need you to move." "Ah." "I'm sorry." "It's just, you know, my mother's coming today." "I certainly do." "I haven't seen her in so long," "And i just want everything to be nice." "We kind of ended things on bad terms." "She and paul didn't get along so well." "A lot of people and paul didn't get along so well." "Yeah." "But i" " I think she's willing to put that behind us." "She heard about paul's passing," "And she wanted to come and be supportive." "That sounds promising, right?" "Absolutely." "You'll like her, dexter." "She's great." "She's a very strong woman." "I'll keep that in mind" "In case i have any heavy lifting to do." "It's too hot." "I know, honey." "Hopefully it'll cool down soon." "Did you sleep any better last night?" "More nightmares?" "What was it, the big, scary ghost or the alligator?" "No, the bay harbor butcher." "Oh, honey." "He would never hurt you." "But i'll let you in on a secret." "My sister, debra," "Who is a secret police agent ninja warrior," "Said he only kills bad people," "And you're not a bad person, are you?" "No." "Then you're quite safe." "Why don't you go get dressed," "And i will make you some breakfast, okay?" "It makes me so angry" "That there's some monster out there scaring my son." "I got to go to work." "You know, i hope they catch him today." "And i'm not a violent person, but i hope they hurt him." "Have a good day." "Make up your mind." "In our most paranoid moments," "We fear that everyone is talking about us." "That's become my reality." "I can't hear what they're saying, but i know it's not nice." "All right, let's get started." "We have positive i.D.S on all 18 of our complete bodies." "13 of those have felony records." "Organized crime." "Nope." "No connection to organized crime," "No mutual gang affiliation, either." "But all 13 were either tried for murder, or at least suspected of murder." "Still, you have your pattern." "Yes, we just don't know what it means." "I think we go out with this news immediately." "What news is that?" "The news that our serial killer, is only killing the dregs of society," "That good, moral people have nothing to fear." "But, captain, that's all - Uh... this is the only lead we have." "We need to keep it tightly wrapped." "Last night, an elderly man shot his son, when he came home late," "Thought it was the bay harbor butcher." "We've got a city in chaos here, frank." "I understand you wanting to reassure the people." "Good." "Then we're in agreement." "Dex, i got this huge break in the bay harbor case." "Bullshit." "I mean, really?" "Guys, guys." "You are not going to... i refuse to believe that vince masuka is the man" "Who single-Handedly brings me down." "I also know denial is the first stage of the grieving process" "For those who learn they're going to die." "I need to find out what masuka knows," "But i've got to be calm and centered... and focused." "Time for a visit to my sponsor." "I need help." "Hi!" "Hey!" "Just a minute!" "Dexter." "Hope i'm not interrupting anything." "No." "Glad you called." "Just give me a minute." "Yeah, have a look around." "So, hey, i was gonna go and get some art supplies." "Is that all right?" "Do you want to come?" "Yeah, i'm just on my lunch break." "Excellent." "Why are they eating each other?" "Don't know." "Ask them." "* it's a long way home * and it's all i see is darkness * * it's a long way home" "Do you like the heat?" "Um... not really." "I'm partial to air-Conditioning." "I love it." "It makes me feel like the whole world could explode at any moment." "That's a pleasant thought." "Is there an art store near here?" "So, you been using?" "Using what?" "Oh." "Uh, no." "No drugs." "Perfectly clean." "Look what we have here!" "Jesus." "What are you " "Come on." "Are you gonna help or what?" "That was a little weird." "So, if you're perfectly clean, why'd you call?" "I" " I'm under a lot of pressure at work." "I was hoping you could maybe give me some quick tips" "On how to deal with the urges." "There are no quick tips." "Oh." "I see." "Someone's gonna hear that." "They'll think it's the wind." "I thought we were going to get art supplies." "That's exactly what we're doing." "I work with found art." "It's more like stolen art." "Is this what a sponsor normally does on their first meeting?" "I don't know." "I've never sponsored anyone before." "Really?" "Yeah, but don't worry." "I've had all kinds of sponsors." "Learnt from the best." "You do realize i work with the police department?" "If we get caught, you can flash your badge." "I don't have a badge." "I have a laminate." "Could we talk about why i called you?" "Yeah, sure." "Um you want help." "So, tell me." "Why do you use?" "Why?" "I don't know." "It's just part of who i am." "And who are you?" "I'm a bad person." "You haven't got the first idea who you are, have you?" "Dexter, meet dexter." "I'm gonna help the two of you get to know each other." "That doesn't really seem necessary." "The first step to recovery is accepting who you are." "I thought the first step was admitting you have a problem." "And before you can accept who you are," "You have to know who you are." "So that's our first job." "You're going to tell me all your deepest, darkest secrets." "There is something off about him, harry." "You know why." "All right, look." "It wouldn't hurt to have him tested, would it?" "Hello?" "Yes." "It" " Just a sec." "I got to get back." "Dead body." "Hmm." "How many times have you used that one before?" "So, the husband's name is barnes, b-A-R-N-E-S." "What do we have?" "Hello, dexter." "Uh, gunshot victim, alisha barnes, 36." "So, i heard there may be some big break" "In the bay harbor butcher case." "Uh, could be." "The neighbor heard the victim arguing with her husband last night, curtis barnes." "Masuka was pretty excited about it." "Husband's car is gone." "Nobody knows where he is." "Any idea what they found?" "Can we concentrate on this case here, please?" "Sure." "The killer was standing right about where you are, sergeant doakes." "Two shots to the chest." "I only see one hole in the chest." "Yeah, they are that close together." "It's very impressive shooting." "It looks like the bullets took nearly identical exit paths, judging from the spray." "And this was all topped off by a final shot to the head." "She was mozambiqued." "What?" "Triple-Tapped." "Oh, shit." "I'm guessing this is curtis barnes." "Here he is in what looks like somalia, afghanistan, a russian grenade, a kurdish dagger," "And tell me that shit wasn't stolen from saddam's palace." "What are you saying?" "I'm saying asshole's special ops." "There's no doubt about it." "Huh, they're generally known for settling their arguments so peaceably." "Don't get smug with me." "Sounds like we're in your world, james." "Yeah, i'll take lead on this one." "Pick a body." "Sir?" "I want you each to pick a body." "This is where the case is going to be made." "We have 13 suspected murderers, and then we have these gentlemen." "Robert thatcher, janitor for the school district with no criminal record." "Marcus white," "Tow-Truck driver," "No criminal record." "And this" " This is... oscar sota." "What's his story?" "Naval engineer for the port of miami," "Member of the stewardship council of st." "Tarsicia catholic church," "Married, loved, respected." "But he was found in a bag under the sea with 13 killers." "Why?" "Answer that question, then we really know something." "I... i got him." "Oscar sota." "Why did the killer cut them up like this?" "Ease of disposal." "Or for fun." "You don't kill this many people because it's a chore." "You do it 'cause you like it." "Okay." "Great." "Tomorrow." "The barnes case?" "Yeah, that was a buddy of mine from special ops." "He heard curtis barnes was still in miami." "Oh." "The only part of that that i find surprising is that you have a buddy." "It turns out barnes and i both were ranger rrd." "Regimental reconnaissance detachment," "The guys you're not supposed to know about who get in before everybody else." "A brother in arms." "Something like that." "My buddy put me in touch with a guy from curtis' unit." "He's willing to talk to me." "Good." "I got your blood report." "It's all pretty straightforward." "I'd be careful, though." "Why is that?" "The trajectory of the bullets are all level," "Exact same angle of origin." "I'd say all three shots were fired in less than a second." "It's very impressive shooting." "Morgan." "I'm gonna need you to run some tests on this shirt." "Is there blood?" "No blood." "I'm really the blood guy." "It's a smell." "It smells like a woman." "Which part?" "Who can identify this for me?" "Uh... you know, that's really masuka's area." "He's definitely your man." "Thanks." "Anything i can do to overburden masuka is to my advantage." "Trust me, i'm not above sending pizzas and hookers" "To his house in the middle of the night." "Well, everything's unpacked." "The back bedroom's small, but it's quieter." "I'm just happy to be here, that's all." "You're always welcome." "Am i?" "I wasn't sure." "Of course you are." "All these years without an invitation." "I just" " I thought you didn't want to come." "I mean, you and paul - Oh, nonsense." "I wasn't gonna let that keep me away from my daughter and my grandchildren." "But you did let it keep you away." "Let's not assign blame, rita." "Nothing good ever comes of that." "We'll just have to make up for lost time, that's all." "Hi." "Hey." "Dexter, this is my mother." "Gail." "So nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you, too, dexter." "I've always been good with parents." "The key is to simply think of them as aliens" "From a distant universe." ""You have fibers and threads unknown to us." "Your ancient customs intrigue me."" "So, dexter, tell me everything there is to know about you." ""You have made me your sworn enemy, evil woman."" "I work in the forensics department for the miami metro p.D.," "And i'm very fond of your daughter." "Good answer." "I'm also very fond of my daughter." "You did a good job raising her." "30 years as a schoolteacher." "I've got a little experience with children, and i see a young man who is not eating." "I'm not hungry." "He's scared the butcher's gonna get him." "Oh, well, remember, he only gets bad people." "I was bad today." "I threw a ball at tommy alvarez." "Well, that's not too bad, and even if it was," "The bay harbor butcher doesn't hurt kids." "He doesn't?" "Definitely not." "You're safe." "When are they gonna hurry up and catch this guy?" "They are working as hard as they can." "If what i've heard is true" " That he only goes after criminals " "I say leave him alone." "He's got my seal of approval." "Perhaps i have misjudged you, o wise one." "Really?" "Yeah, sister spilled everything." "Thinks he killed their parents and made it look like a car accident." "The living trust was in his name." "Nice work." "So, what's it gonna be tonight?" "Chinese, italian?" "Uh, actually, i have a, uh, social appointment." "You mean like a date?" "I guess you could call it that." "Wow, look at you." "New in town and already hooking up." "It's an introduction arranged by a friend." "One needs to get out and have a little fun on occasion." "It's something i strongly recommend for you as well." "Yeah." "With the hours we work... i'm serious." "Make time for it." "It'll help keep you better balanced." "Yes, sir." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, it's just something at work." "Are you handling it okay?" "I ended up seeing my sponsor today at lunch." "How'd that go?" "Not so great." "She's a little odd." "Plays a little loose with the 12 steps." "That doesn't seem smart - Making up your own." "Maybe it's 'cause it's her first time being a sponsor." "Oh." "Well, maybe you should try someone else." "I just want to do what's best for my recovery." "Well, maybe someone older, more like you, more manly." "Yeah, maybe." "Yeah." "Hey." "You remember me?" "Yeah." "You're the girl who doesn't like tape." "Debra, actually." "I'm gabriel." "Done for the night?" "Yeah." "Any interest in grabbing a drink?" "Usually a lady has to buy me dinner first." "Stop talking and get your pants off." "Are you always like this?" "No." "No, i haven't even had sex since... since what?" "You all right?" "Yeah, just one second." "Look, we don't have to do this, you know?" "Oh." "Oh, you're into the kinky stuff, huh?" "No, the last guy i had sex with tried to kill me." ""Who is the bay harbor butcher?"" "God." "This obsession with him is relentless," "Just like deb and that damn treadmill." "Deb, do you ever stop?" "Dexter, jesus, you're supposed to be at rita's!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "Fuck." "Good morning." "So, that was a little weird last night." "No, yeah." "Well, it was dark." "My eyes hadn't adjusted." "All i could see were shadows." "Yeah, well, please put those shadows out of your mind." "So, what's this big break in the bay harbor butcher case" "I keep hearing about?" "Algae." "Algae?" "Yeah." "Masuka found microscopic algae" "Inside the garbage bags with the bodies." "Algae under the sea - Imagine that." "How does that help?" "'Cause there are over 100,000 species, all different." "Masuka thinks he can use them to pinpoint" "In which harbor the killer keeps his boat." "Oh." "He's got some marine biologists coming down to take a look." "Can you imagine something so little" "Being the thing that breaks this case?" "I got to go." "I'll see you at the station." "It doesn't make sense." "If there's algae on my victims," "It would have to come from the ocean where i dumped them." "Obviously, i'm missing something," "And i don't like that." "Mrs. Sota, i understand" "You wanting to protect your husband's reputation," "But i also have to tell you that your cooperation" "Could help us catch a serial killer." "I am cooperating." "You haven't told me anything." "'Cause there's nothing to tell!" "Maria." "You off to meet the man from curtis' unit?" "Yeah, at the blue wing marina." "You have backup?" "Oh, yeah, all kinds of backup." "Helicopters and shit." "James." "Listen, we got a missing murder suspect." "This guy's a friend of his." "I'm just gonna go talk to him." "Right." "You're the lone holdout." "Every other suspect has a criminal past," "And not just any criminal past." "They were all linked to murder." "Oscar never murdered anybody." "Then why was he killed?" "I don't know." "Maybe he found out who the serial killer is!" "Okay, so your husband is an engineer and a secret crime fighter." "Por favor, olivia." "Are you through?" "You're gonna tell me what he did." "Oh, no." "You are through." "Just what i needed." "Hello?" "You doakes?" "I am." "And i'm guessing you're not gonna tell me your name." "I'm curtis barnes." "I checked you out." "We know a lot of the same people." "Everyone says i can trust you." "You can trust me." "I just need 48 hours." "Now, i got somebody who's gonna take me to cuba," "But it's gonna take a day to get the papers i need." "So, what are you asking?" "Stall the investigation." "Let me ask you one question." "Yeah." "Did you kill your wife?" "Yeah." "I killed alisha." "Turn around." "Turn the fuck around!" "No, you are not arresting me." "Put the fucking gun down and turn around!" "I don't think so." "So, how'd your social appointment go last night?" "Oh, you know... i took your advice." "My advice?" "To get out and have some fun." "Got laid big-Time." "Oh." "Well." "Oh " "Oh, i mean... i don't usually just go to the gym and pick up strangers." "The gym?" "Really, you have to save me here," "Or i'm gonna go outside and shoot myself." "The way you're going, you'd probably miss." "Thanks." "My date... was horrible." "I picked her up, and i don't know miami, of course," "So i got us completely lost." "And she was chattering away the whole time about this yogi master i just have to meet," "So by the time we got to the restaurant," "I was tearing my hair out." "Oh, god." "I'm sorry." "No, it was good." "It was a reminder that, uh, i shouldn't be dating." "Of course you should be." "No." "It all comes down to simple mathematics." "A really beautiful relationship is a once-In-A-Lifetime thing," "And i've already had mine." "Lundy." "Hey, so, i heard you found some algae that might help crack the big case." "You heard right." "What kind of algae?" "Diatoms." "Eukaryotic algae." "Okay, this is the first time" "I regret not being a bigger nerd." "Eukaryotic?" "I'll let manny explain it to you." "He's picking up the evidence tomorrow" "So he can study it in his own lab." "You know marine biologists - Real prima donnas." "Any chance you could show me?" "Masuka." "Up front." "Oh, no." "It's that crazy witch." "What is this shit?" "I told you to find a smell." "How fucking hard can that be?" "Uh, look, i told you," "A smell isn't it smells like another woman." "I can smell it!" "Why can't you?" "!" "This man is ruining my life," "And you all go on like nothing is happening!" "Esmee." "Come on, come on." "This is the kind of thing" "That makes me glad i have no feelings." "Like they always say," "Never take your dirty laundry to work." "We can stand here all fucking day." "I don't give a fuck, but you're gonna put that gun down." "Now, we were both rangers." "That bond goes deep." "That doesn't mean anything to you?" "If you weren't a ranger, i'd have shot your ass by now." "You killed your wife, man." "I didn't mean to." "It happened, man." "You married?" "No." "Ever?" "Once." "She dropped your ass, didn't she?" "What " "Got tired of you punching holes in the walls," "Waking up in the middle of the night screaming?" "Was she always yelling, "you got to get help"?" "So she sends you to some doctor," "But you don't go," "'Cause you know there's no help for this kind of fucked up." "And finally, she can't take it anymore," "And she just says, "adióS."" "That sound about right?" "You got it wrong, man." "I left her." "And why was that?" "'Cause i was afraid if i didn't, i'd kill her." "Let's take the boat out." "Now, why would we want to do that, man?" "We'd get out of this heat, for one." "Nice ocean breeze." "Maybe head toward cuba." "No." "Come on, just get me to within sight." "I could swim from there." "Once i'm there, i could find the " "You're wasting your time." "Curtis, you're going back to the station with me." "No." "I'm not going to prison." "I didn't mean to kill her." "It's the only way out of here." "Can't get you to reconsider?" "Not a chance." "Well, that's too bad... 'cause like i said, i'm not going to prison." "Put the fucking gun down, curtis." "Don't make me do it, curtis!" "Motherfucker." "You gonna tell me how you're doing?" "I'm fine." "Come on, dex." "Open up." "Very fine?" "You're gonna have to do better than that." "What's going on inside your head?" "What are you thinking?" "I'm afraid we're... done... you and i." "Serious?" "You're breaking up with me?" "Actually, i don't think i want to answer any more questions." "Listen, dexter, whatever you think is right is wrong." "He asks you a question," "I want you to think of your answer first" "And then tell him the exact opposite, okay?" "So, let's just jump in, all right?" "Does it make you angry" "When your teachers tell you what to do?" "No." "Are you often bored?" "No." "Have you ever killed an animal?" "No." "Never." "I should get back to work." "Thanks..." "for everything." "I heard about pascal's little meltdown." "She's been under a lot of stress." "You're still doing it." "What's that?" "Sticking up for her." "She is my superior." "You know, i may have misjudged you, maria." "Maybe you are more than a political animal." "You just might be a real cop." "That's what i've been trying to tell you." "You're back in charge of homicide," "Effective immediately." "Thank you." "Pascal just set women in the department back 20 years." "It's up to you to turn that around." "There it is, like a gigantic white whale." "My moby dick." "Man, this heat." "I can't take it." "I've got to get in my car before i fucking melt." "Which is exactly what needs to happen" "To my dearly departed friends." "Lila, what are you doing here?" "Hey." "Dexter." "You know, i've been thinking about you breaking up with me," "And, well, i don't think it's in your best interest." "I'm tired... and hot, and i have somewhere to be." "I think you should give me another chance." "There's nothing you can do to help me." "It's not even you." "It's me." "I am who i am, and nobody's gonna change that." "Whatever you think you are," "You don't have to be that." "That's where you're wrong." "Stop judging yourself." "There are no absolutes." "No one's all good or evil." "You're just gonna have to trust me on this." "Jesus, dexter!" "What are you so fucking scared of?" "You make yourself into a monster" "So you no longer bear responsibility for what you do." ""I can't help it." "I'm a monster." "Oh, of course i was gonna do that" " I'm a monster."" "It's sad and it's pathetic... and it breaks my heart." "You don't think there are monsters in this world?" "You don't believe people are evil?" "I'll show you evil." "Well, you want me to open one?" "Joseph cepeda." "Wow." "Can i touch?" "Okay." "This isn't exactly the reaction i was looking for." "Well, i've never seen anything like this before." "You're not disgusted... appalled, horrified?" "It's... incredible." "But the person who did this... is a person just like me," "Like you." "We're all good, dexter," "And we're all evil." "I thought i closed the door" "To anyone ever seeing me for who i am," "But this woman sees me." "She doesn't know it," "But she's looking behind the mask," "And she's not turning away." "You really impressed me in there today, son." "I don't know how you did it, but great job." "I just pretended to be someone else." "Well, it's working." "Keep doing it." "I mean, that doctor didn't even see the monster inside you." "I mean, not monster." "It's just, son, you know that you have these dark urges." "Anyway, good job." "And somehow, even under all this pressure," "She's able to make me feel okay about who i am and what i am." "So see you soon?" "Yes." "I'm here for you." "I've already told you everything." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I came here to apologize." "You were very rude." "I was." "It was shameful of me" "To disgrace the memory of your husband." "Thank you." "It's been a rough few days," "Not that you should care about that, but... you know, all these bodies " "I've never seen anything like it." "All murdered... cut into pieces." "The only way i could make sense out of it" "Was to convince myself that they deserved it." "They all needed to be bad people." "But i should never have taken it out on you." "Can you feel it?" "The breeze?" "Coming over the water?" "It's nice." "Yeah." "It's finally cooling down." "Have a nice evening." "Wait." "My husband " "He kept guns hidden in the walls." "I can show you." "I've never broken into my own place of employment," "But desperate times... garbagemen can be so careless." "I say put this bay harbor butcher on the city payroll." "Give him a corner office, a company car," "And all the ammunition he needs." "At least somebody is doing something to clean up miami," "Which is more than i can say" "For those folks down at city hall." "Hey, debra." "Hi." "Sorry about last night." "Don't be." "Maybe we can, uh, do it again." "How would you feel about a real date " "You know, with clothes on?" "Where we actually talk and get to know each other?" "Something like that." "Sounds good." "How about saturday?" "Deal." "Pick you up at 8:00." "And with us right now," "We have psychologist sandy ramos" "To provide insight into the bay harbor butcher " "Evil serial killer or avenging force for good?" "This is the last time." "Bertrand?" "Babe, come on." "You don't mean that." "No, i do mean it." "I do." "I can't see you anymore." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, no." "No, wait, no." "I don't understand, maria." "This" " This is done." "She's gone." "It's over with." "We can finally be out in the open." "Just you and me, okay?" "Just like what we wanted." "No, bertrand, stop." "Stop it." "Stop, stop, stop." "Stop!" "Go back to esmee." "So, what, this is how it is?" "You get your job back," "And now you" " You're - You're through with me?" "Look, don't play the victim." "You knew what this was from the beginning." "You are one coldhearted bitch, i'll tell you that." "No, you don't get to tell me anything!" "I am not the piece of shit fucking another woman" "Behind his fiancée's back!" "You try and judge me, asshole." "You don't know the first thing about me." "Yeah, so, i think i misjudged lila." "Are you sure?" "I mean, she's unconventional," "But i think she's the best sponsor... for me." "Well, if she can help keep you clean." "Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!" "Whoa, who's this?" "Could it be robin hood?" "No, i'm the butcher man!" "I made it for him." "I thought it might help with the nightmares." "Bet you didn't know you could fly." "Have i misjudged lila?" "I have no idea." "I do know she's helping me look at myself in a different way." "He's good, that one." "I know." "I got lucky." "Quite an actor." "He's hiding something." "I'm sure of it." "For example, we find the genus nitzschia," "And we know we're talking about a freshwater marina," "And the algae can tell us more" "About what kind of pollutants are in the water," "Which would even further narrow... damn it!" "For the first time," "I feel the future might hold something different for me." "It's possible i'm just fooling myself," "But i'm willing to take the risk." "Fucking garbagemen." "Oh?" "Broke the refrigeration unit." "It blew hot air all night." "It turned the bodies into pink mush." "How awful!" "Completely ruined." "You brought your marine biologist and everything." "Yeah." "It made him vomit." "Anyway, good thing the heat didn't affect the rocks." "Lundy had us store them separately." "The rocks?" "Yeah." "The algae we found on the rocks." "The bay harbor butcher used them to weigh his bags down." "We're assuming he picked them up where he docks his boat." "But i thought the marine biologist" "Came to examine the bodies." "No." "No, it's all about the rocks, baby." "Manny took him to his lab." "Should have results in a week or so." "That should help us narrow down what marina they came from." "It's an odd sensation to be experiencing" "What might be called hope for the first time in my life." "At the same time," "I suddenly find myself weighing the benefits" "Of electrocution versus lethal injection." "But here i am."