"Forget this stuff." "Get me some..." "Anybody know what day this is?" "Thursday." "We've been here since Tuesday." "Three hours' sleep in three days." "Gimme a clamp." "Quit beefing." "We've got a line of casualties stretching around the block." "Maybe we should get an unlisted number, huh?" "All right, OK." "Unhook him and get him outta here." "Yes, Doctor." "One more survivor." "Have to get him next time." "What are these forms for?" "These are forms to get the forms that enable us to order more forms, sir." "Right." "Here you go, Henry." " You don't have to sign that." " That's the number of the hotel in Tokyo." " Which is where we're off to." " Till you need us." " Room 309." " Real beds." " Room service!" " Hot and cold running maids." "Who said you could go?" "The war's been sending us casualties on a conveyor belt." "If we don't rest, we're gonna screw up surgically." "Have a good time." " Call us if you need us." " But don't need us." "Radar, two of your best passes." "4077th MASH, Colonel Blake's office." " Did you hear a bell?" " His head's in another time zone." "Be sure your post-op patients are all OK before you leave." "Henry, everything is OK." "Just a minute." "Sir?" "Radar, I don't wanna talk to anybody." "Just tell 'em I'm beat right down to my socks." "General Clayton, Colonel Blake says he's really beat right now..." "Morning, General." "Henry Blake here." "Henry, are you sitting down?" " No, sir." " Maybe you'd better." "Yes, sir." "He's giving you callisthenics over the phone?" "Henry, it won't be official for a couple of hours yet, but a cease-fire has been arranged." "I say again: a cease-fire." " A cease-fire?" " What?" "Does that mean we can go home?" "A cease-fire..." "General, are you sure?" "I've just been on the phone with CinComPac." "Is that good enough for ya?" " He got it from CinComPac." " I don't care if he got it from nincompoop!" "The shooting's over!" "General, this is Benjamin Pierce." "You're a general and I'm just a captain, but I wanna have your baby." "I want your baby!" "I'll kiss all your stars!" "Listen, I'll be up there tonight for a final drink with my favourite MASH outfit." "That's terrific, General." "Just terrific." "Yes, sir." "What's that?" "Yes, I'll tell Major Houlihan that you look forward to seeing her." "If she doesn't want you, there's always me!" "No, just..." "Nothing, General, nothing." "OK, yes, sir." "We'll see you tonight." "And, sir, thanks for the great news." "Great news." " How about that!" " I don't know." "I'm gonna get drunk for a week, sober up and get drunk again." "Now, listen." "Hold it, Pierce." "The general was giving me advance notice." "I don't want this to get out until it's official." "Not one word to anybody." "Understood?" " Understood." " We will keep it very quiet." "Colonel, did you hear?" "There's a cease-fire!" "Effective immediately!" "We won't say a word." "You can depend on us." "Attention, all personnel." "Any rumours regarding a cease-fire are not official." "All personnel are ordered to continue regular duties until further notice." "Honey, mine was the Scotch and water." "Ah, Corporal Klinger, ready for duty, I see." " What's all the hoo-ha?" " Cease-fire, sweetheart." "The war is over." " You're kidding!" " Do I ever lie to you?" "You won't have to buck for a psycho discharge any more." "Terrific!" "But I'm stuck with a dozen dresses." "Gentlemen, I give you peace." "Sweet, quiet, monotonous..." "lovely, life-restoring, harmonious, tranquil, glad-about-it, mad-about-it peace." "I'll drink to it, but I don't believe it." "Come again?" "It's the same story in every war." "The big guys yell "cease-fire", there's dancing in the streets, then they pull the switch and it starts all over again." "Trapper, it's over!" "No more meatball surgery!" "Or putting guys together again so they can be killed at a more convenient time." "No more living in Shangri-la, buttering our bread every morning with DDT powder." "It's finished!" "This whole damned, cursed war is over!" "I'll believe that when I'm home refusing my first house call." " You don't believe it's real?" " With all my cynical heart." "I bet you it is." "I'll bet you 50 bucks they're not playing around." "You got a bet." " I hate to take your money." " I only hope you will." "They're passing out champagne." "Would you guys like some?" "I'll stick with gin." "Champagne is ginger ale that knows somebody." "One more drink, and that's it." "Then we operate and sink your floating kidney." "You know, life won't be the same without you both, and the Swamp." " You'll miss this?" " He's queer for garbage dumps." "I don't like to ask, but if there's some little souvenir I could have..." "Take it all!" "Help yourself." "Tell your family the whole camp is up for grabs." "Wait a minute." "Steady, Hawk." "The US Army always leaves stuff behind." "There's a tribe on Guadalcanal made a god out of a '39 Chevy." "Frank, you're not to worry about me." "You go back to your practice and your work, and your house and your two cars and your country club and your friends and your way of life and your... wife." "I'm not going to make any trouble." "Gosh, Margaret, it's swell of you to be so brave." "Brave of you to be so swell." "I just want you to be happy." "I wish you could meet my wife." "You'd like her." "Don't press your luck, Frank." " Major Houlihan, it's me" " Radar." " What do you want?" "I'm asking everyone to write something in my scrapbook." "I'm, uh, busy right now." " I just thought you and Major Burns..." " He is not here!" " Then how can you be busy?" " Get lost!" "Yes, ma'am." ""Dear Radar, this is the best restaurant I ever ate in."" ""Good luck." "Hawkeye." That's what you want to say?" " Right." "Simple but with feeling." " And loaded with emotion." " Trapper, sign my book?" " I'll sign it when the real cease-fire comes." " How can you turn him down?" " His liver's where his heart oughta be." " What's where his liver oughta be?" " Onions." ""Compliments of a friend"?" "Boy, you guys sure know how to reach somebody." "Friends, friends..." "Civilians of all ranks." "This is the happiest... in fact, this is the only happy day of the war." "And it is fitting that we pause to offer a prayer of thanksgiving to the merciful God who has delivered us from this terrible conflict." "Let us pray in silence and remember those of our comrades who have fallen." "Amen." "And now... on with the secular festivities!" "Attention." "A reminder that the cease-fire is not officially in effect." "All material and equipment remain the property of the US Army." "Anyone found in possession of said property will be prosecuted." " Hold it." "Hold it, Hawkeye." " I'm trying." "Someone might walk in." "They're doctors and nurses." "What could we do that would surprise them?" "I don't know." "Let's see what we can come up with." "I'm gonna need that ear after the war." "It's my duty to give you a physical before you go." "Speaking of which..." "Hawkeye, it's very difficult to talk with your teeth in my neck." "It's even harder for me." " Can you be serious for a minute?" " 30 seconds is my record." "What happens now that the war is over?" "Both sides will say they won, Detroit will go back to making cars again, and I can treat kids for mumps instead of shrapnel." "What happens to us is what I had in mind." " Us?" " Mm-hm." " As in you and me." " Oh, that us." "Right, right." "We've been very close." "Cast a single shadow, as it were." " You never exactly promised marriage." " Bless your memory." "But you did use all the right words:" "love... togetherness... future." "Lieutenant, I have a confession to make." "You might've worn your ring." "And get thrown out of the Cad Society?" "Kids, too?" "Five." "It gets very cold up there in Vermont." "I'm sure gonna miss you when I get back." "Oh, well..." "You don't have to wait till then." "Sir?" "Howdy, Radar." "How's it going, old kid, old sock?" " Happy, huh, sir?" " Happy?" "Oh, boy." "In a few days I'll be back home, tripping over kids' rollerskates again, cursing out the crab grass, fuming about my income taxes, being impossible with my receptionist, turning grey over my wife's checking account, and loving it." "Ow." " Did you cut yourself, sir?" " No problem." "Good old civilian blood again." "Nice and red." "Cut myself last week and it came out khaki." " That's a good one." " Thank you." " Did you get a chance to sign it, sir?" " Whatever it is, you sign it." "The only business I want is for the army to validate my parking so I can go home." "No, sir, my scrapbook." "Did you get a chance to sign my scrapbook?" "I'm sorry, Radar." "Of course." "It's right there." "Oh." ""For Radar O'Reilly, my comrade in arms, a swell egg who made Korea something special."" ""Thanks for everything."" ""Good luck."" ""Affectionately, your friend, Henry Blake."" "OK?" "Yes, sir." " Do you mean this?" " Every word of it." " It felt like you were my father." " You've been like a son to me." "Maybe we should get together when we get back to the States." "Now, that's a great idea." "Why don't you call me and we'll have lunch?" " You live in Illinois and I live in Iowa." " That's true." "But it would only take a day or so on the bus, and then we could have a whole long lunch together." "Sure." "Yeah, just give me a buzz." "Yes, sir." "But I mean, not right away." "You see, I'm gonna be busy, kinda settling in and all." "I understand that, sir." "OK, you got it." "Then how about two months from when we get home... on a Saturday?" "Yeah..." "I'll tell you what." "Let's just kinda leave it loose for now, huh?" "But we'll do it." "OK, but we'll leave it loose for now." " I'm not gonna make any trouble." " I know, darling." "No phone calls, no letters..." "I won't even write you at your office." "Margaret, you're a real prince." "I mean, cess." "Cessprince." "Princess." "Frank, you're such a ninny." "Margaret, please." "I'm supposed to keep my middle ear dry." "Gilbert." "You operated on him for shrapnel wounds." "What's wrong?" "He's awake, but restless." "There's no improvement." "Trying to louse up the cease-fire?" "It would've been nice if they'd stopped the fighting before somebody aimed at me, sir." "Next time hide behind a tree with an officer." "I'm giving you a direct order." "Start getting better immediately, or I'll operate again." "This time blindfolded and sober." "I'm starting to feel better already, sir." " Keep trying." " Yes, sir." "Give him a unit of blood..." "and threaten patient every two hours." " Captain, could I speak to you for a minute?" " Certainly, Nurse Cutler." "That's just for the cease-fire." " I can hardly wait for the peace treaty." " Hawkeye, we have to make plans." "All right, get the keys to the laundry." "We'll get in the dryer and take a trip to the moon." "I'm talking about our going-home plans." " Our?" " Yours and mine." "As in "us"?" "Never mind." "The way we've been..." "I certainly got the impression that we were go..." "Lieutenant, darling." "I have an affliction that will make a relationship between us impossible." "Hawkeye, what is it?" "As we're both medical people, I'll speak professionally." "I'm suffering from terminal marriage." "That's absolutely stunning." "You'll find everything you want, half-price." "All sales final!" "Klinger, what's going on here?" "This is my cease-fire sale." "I don't need this any more." " I'll take this one." " $5." "That was always my favourite." " I'll wear it out." " Oh, here." "These look great with that." "No charge." "Thanks!" "These low heels are killing me." "You gonna buy all of this stuff back when the cease-fire turns out to be a phoney?" " A phoney?" " Sure." "That's the way it happens." "Big boys change their mind, the shooting starts again." " You really believe that?" " Believe it?" "I bet 50 bucks on it." "Do you have this in a size 12?" "It's for my mother!" " I won't make any trouble, Frank." " I know, darling." " Not one bit." " You're a peach, Margaret." "Dead women can't make any trouble, right?" "Dead who?" "I'll just stick my head in an oven, and it'll be over in seconds." "And I won't mention your name in my note." "Margaret, what are you saying?" "!" "I can't live without you, Frank!" "You're all I have!" "I love your thin little lips." "And the bristles where you shave your earlobes." " Margaret..." " Take me home with you, Frank!" "Margaret, my wife!" "I'll learn to love her." "We'll get along, you'll see." " I'll be your nurse." " She's my nurse." "Then I'll be your patient." "I'll catch something terrible and you'll have to see me every day." "I'll pay." "You can even bill me." "Darling, take me home with you." "I won't make any problems..." "Is now a good time?" " See you after supper?" " Uh-huh." " Same place?" " Mm-hmm." " I've never seen you quite like this." " I just found out you're married." "You don't mind?" "Just check your sleeping bag... for a land mine, lover." "Can we settle down, people?" "Quiet!" "General Clayton, fellow officers, nurses," "NCOs, and our guest wounded." "Welcome to the 4077th Cease-Fire Party." "This being a special occasion," "I'm not going to take up time making a speech." "Instead, I'd like to introduce a fine surgeon, real cut-up," "Captain Hawkeye Pierce." "First of all, in gratitude to the United Nations for setting us all free," "I am hereby forgetting these poker IOUs to the sum of some $1500." "You realise I can make all that back with one rich kid with bad tonsils." "And, secondly, I would like to present a pictorial tribute to the man who brought us this great cease-fire news," "Brigadier General Crandall Clayton." "You've paid us many kind and thoughtful visits, General, and I've always tried to mark every memorable occasion with a photograph or two." "If you'd all turn around." "Lights, please." "How many of us will forget this always stirring sight?" "Or this one?" "Of course, like every great warrior, you had your warm and human side." "Uh, Pierce, I think that..." "But your warm side had an even warmer side." "Margaret!" "Uh, he's just a friend of the family." "Can we have the lights, please?" "If there wasn't a cease-fire, Pierce..." "Why don't we have a song?" " "The Star-Spangled Banner."" " How does it go?" "Play it, Father." "# Should old acquaintance be forgot" "# And never brought to mind" "# Should old acquaintance be forgot" "# And days of auld lang syne..." "Hold it, hold it." "May I have your attention, please?" "I just received a communiqué from CinComPac." "There is no cease-fire." "Well, we're back in business again." "Attention, all personnel!" "All personnel report to surgery." "Incoming wounded." "Incoming wounded!" "All personnel report to surgery immediately!" "Here you are, Scrooge." "Thanks." "You should've listened to me, pal." "If it happened again, I'd still make the same bet." "On the level?" "It was a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel." " You paid a pretty heavy price." " So I blew 1500 bucks in IOUs..." "Gave up three nurses for an imaginary wife and family." "Clayton's got my butt in his gun sight." "My hopefulness remains intact." "Good for you." "Would you mind turning the other way?" "I'd hate for you to see a grown man cry."