"WAVEMETER" "T. I. A. G. H. Q. PROFESSOR BACTERIO'S LABORATORY" "Amminobrake, carbuthenol, cyclostatic valve, Z times 24." "All correct." "I don't get it." "There's something missing." "But what?" "Of course!" "The taps!" "One... two..." "Holy Toledo!" "A tricopter coleopterous anopheles... genus karaoke." "Commonly known as "a stupid mosquito."" "Damn ecologists!" "Attention, Danino." "Cornejo here." "I've heard something I don't like." "Over." "What did you hear?" "What we were afraid of." "Staff cuts, weekend shifts... and no more allowances." "I didn't stay around to hear any more." "We're really in the shit." "Over and out." "That's all we needed!" "Hello." "Chick, chick, chick." "Nice mosquito." "It works!" "Enough "karaoke"!" "What the devil...?" "Hey, Super!" "Just in time to see the devastating effects" " of the DDT." " The DDT?" "The Daunting Demoralizer of Troops." "Take a look at these 3 legionnaires." "For 4 days" "I've had them in this bell with a swarm of carnivorous Amazonian bugs." "Legionnaires in there?" "What for?" "To piss them off." "Put this asbestos lab coat on." "This little machine can demoralize the fiercest army on earth." "Go ahead." "Turn it on." "You've activated the safety device I presume?" "We'll skin you alive, you dirty rat!" " What are you...?" " Lf this fell into the wrong hands, it'd be the end of the world." "I want them both dead!" "Calling all agents." "Activate code Ka." " Danino, this is Fred." " Fred?" "Fred who?" "Frederico, damn it!" "What's "code Ka"?" "KAMOUFLAGE" "PATENTID" ""Ka-mouflage," Frederico." "Leave the one with the moustache to me." "I'll squeeze his balls" " till his eyes pop out!" " Cornejo, are you armed?" "That's putting it lightly." "I've got a machine-gun here I wouldn't recommend to anybody!" "Use your invention, they're going to kill us!" "I hope you didn't forget to guard the tunnels." "We'll blow your brains out!" "Superagents Mortadelo and Filemon guard the tunnels from 6 A. M." "Calling Mortadelo and Filemon." "Confirm your exact position in tunnels." "Confirm position." "Company...!" "If there's nothing else," "I'll go and tidy up." "I'm feeling kind of down..." "I don't feel like killing anybody either." "I just feel pity..." "Even for myself..." "The world..." "The world... is a piece of shit!" "They've taken away our instinct for attack and defense, and everything else..." "Perhaps some other time..." "You're a genius, Bacterio." "Of course I am." "I told you..." "Intruder in Sector 4." "The tunnels!" "I knew it!" "Congratulate those bald-headed congenital catastrophes for me!" "What a drag!" "It's the Super, Mortadelo." "He probably wants to tell us something." "What could he want so early, Chief?" "This is AT T free information service." "Go to T. I. A. G. H. Q. If you want to keep your nuts intact." "But he wanted us at 6" "A. M., i." "E. After Midday, and it's only 11 in the morning!" "For God's sake!" "What the f...!" "What is this, an after-hours nightclub or what?" "You little love birds!" "Congratulations, Chief." "Why?" "The Tooth Fairy will be coming." "You don't leave till you pay for the damage and the 15 months' rent you owe me." "AT Tinformation service." "This device will self-destruct in exactly a little while..." "Seal off the lab with the steel doors!" "What doors?" "The red button, damn it!" "DOUBLE DOORS" "Danino." "Raise the armor-plated doors!" "Do you read me, Danino?" "Yes, yes..." "Then do it!" "Do what?" "Over." "Key in the secret code to raise the doors." "I can't raise doors in this state of depression!" "My feet have been crushed!" "It hurts, doesn't it?" "Him and his poor little tootsies!" "Come in, Fred!" "Do you read me?" "I read you, Super." "But I'm dropping code Ka." "There's an intruder in here..." "I'm in no mood for intruders with this downer..." "I've even lost my profit motivation." " Bacterio." " Yes?" "What's the range of that damned Demoralizer of yours?" "500 meters." "Or more..." "I can't believe it!" "It is." "Yes?" "Excuse me, Superintendent." "I hope this isn't a bad time but..." "Cornejo!" "Thank goodness!" "Where are you calling from?" "From my hands free phone." "I can go on pruning and fumigating but the garden's a mess." "The petunias are all withered and then... being disguised as something you don't see any point in..." "I just don't feel like going on." "So I'm quitting..." "When I was just a little boy," "I asked my father," ""What will I be...?"" "How did you get past the landlord?" "I gave him a package and told him the money we owed him was inside." "Wasn't that overdoing it, Mortadelo?" "Overdoing it?" "T. I. A. Packages usually contain a little firecracker..." "They pay late, they're as ugly as sin, but they're not so bad after all..." "Don't thank me." "Just give me a Christmas bonus." "Didn't I send you a turkey last year?" "Sure. 1/4 pound of sliced spam." "Pretend you haven't noticed." "Look over there." "It's Pat Steamroller." "Exactly." "If we put him behind bars, medals will cover our chests." "Super's waiting." "We've got plenty of time." "I just don't believe this!" "Don't worry." "My semi-safe has a combination that's a bitch to work out." "Bingo!" "This is no time to come here robbing us, kid." "Don't look at me like that, I mean it." "This thing weighs a ton." "Hold it and you'll see, smartass." "Give me a hug." "I feel so low!" "Please, mister." "Can you get my ball from the other side of that fence?" "Stick your head through that hole and you'll see it." "There." "There." "Head through..." "What is it, little boy?" "Something wrong?" "No, I just lost my ball but it's okay." "This kind gentleman's..." " helping me." " Gentleman?" "That's all right." "Forget him." "That's what we're here for." "Let's see." "No, no, no..." "No, no, no!" " Chief?" " Let's see..." "Take that, Steamroller!" "The secret entrance!" "Run!" "The effect's worn off!" "The Super!" "You see?" "I told you there was no need to worry." "Cornejo?" "In person!" "Cornejo!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Now we've got him!" "He doesn't have the case!" "Damn it!" "Danino, stop him!" "Who locked the door?" "Stop playing with the door!" "I knew it!" "Come here!" "Try and rob us, would you, you little rat?" "Bacterio, what's this?" "It's a damned copy!" "From my People-Copying Machine." " This way!" " No." "Follow me." "You are more lost than a priest in a disco." " This way." " That way." "Careful!" "Look, Chief!" "Stop!" "Aren't you forgetting something?" "You've got a sense of direction all right." "The only thing is it's in your ass!" " My faithful shield!" " What?" "Everything bounces off it." "Your head'll be bouncing off the ground in a minute..." "Taxi!" "It's over!" "He's still got to get through a cast-iron gate 70 mm thick." "Let's go in through the main gate, in style." "Who the hell...?" "Here comes the cavalry!" "Careful with that!" "Out of the way, Chief!" "My faithful shield!" "If you've finished having fun, open this door!" "That's just great!" "That guy got not only the DDT but the weather transformer too!" "Now what was that important mission that couldn't wait?" "MORTADELO AND FILEMON THE BIG ADVENTURE" "NEWS" "The dictator of the Tiranian Republic, accused of using his power to the benefit of his numerous construction companies, has addressed the nation in a televised speech." "40 years I've worked, to build up this country and not a single plot of building land remains in Tirania." "That is why I have decided to develop land abroad." "My first irrevocable measure is to demolish Buckingham Palace, which is far too large for one lady, and build state subsidised," "3 and 4 bedroom ground-level dwellings which will be ready in November 2007, with nice little windows and everything..." "The Queen of England's response was immediate." "Instead of making stupid threats, that little tyrant could do his country a service by going to school." "And despite being a dwarf and having only one eyebrow, he should stop worrying about his small winkle and shrill voice." "Back home, there are rumors of a robbery at T. I. A. Headquarters..." "No, I categorically deny that." "No one's stolen anything, and in any case the thief has been identified and we know exactly what he took." "What are you doing?" "Deciding who's taking you out to dinner, Ofelia." "Don't cry, Mr. Filemon." "You can take me out some other time." "That's why he's crying." "The loser takes the cow out to pasture." "Just a joke, Ofelia." " Take it easy..." " Gentlemen." "This is a serious case of the utmost seriousness." "We have to get the DDT back!" "So no expense will be spared." "This will be a top secret mission requiring unlimited funds, sophisticated weaponry with a license to kill, and luncheon vouchers for good restaurants." "All at the disposal of the best agent." "Meet superagent Fredy Sledgehammer." "Mr. Sledgehammer's flown in from abroad in his private jet" "for this delicate mission." "You know best, I'm sure..." "But I thought you needed someone bright... 7.97 raised to pi!" "What about pi?" "I just solved the insoluble equation of the entropy of bodies in irreversible expansion." "7.97 raised to pi!" "Sea level, naturally." "Mr. Sledgehammer is a doctor in quantum physics at Harvard." "He speaks 13 languages." "Can you speak, Catalan, wiseass?" "Amb Panchu va dir amb Pinchu." "Any other questions?" "The Daunting Demoralizer." "Consider it recovered." "Tell us how this beach bum will find" " the DDT." " Wait." "You'll need a vehicle." "He's dumping the van on him!" "My sports car's parked at the front door." "Catch!" "I can't believe you've given him your convertible." "Why?" "I gave it to you last week." "To wash it!" "And you didn't give us the keys!" "Anyway..." "look." "At last, a real man in the office!" "I've also got a mission with a special car for you two." "Cool!" "What is it?" "Our lab's not a safe place anymore." "So you'll take charge of transferring the inventions." "This involves travelling, precision packaging of instruments, and surveillance of the new site." "For this I'll provide a self-propelling vehicle with pulleys, double-braided rope and interchangeable baskets." "If we weren't secret agents, you might think this was just a shitty removal." "Of course it's a moving job, you jackasses!" "What did you expect?" "Your orders were to guard the tunnels from 6" " A. M.!" " It's still not 6 A. M.!" "Shit!" "Just as I thought." "Wisdom teeth." "But it wasn't very wise letting the Super hit you with the phone." "2 hours to hide the inventions." "You can take them to your mother's place for all I care!" "Now get out of here!" "Haven't you got a..." "more exciting mission?" "Mr. Filemon..." "Have you heard of the cup" "Christ used to give wine to his disciples?" "Sure I have." "The Davis Cup!" "That's... almost right." "No." "I'm speaking of the Holy Grail." "Well... once you've moved the things, find it and bring it to me." "As good as done." ""The..." "Holy..." "Grail..."" "Right." "Shall I bring it or have it gift-wrapped?" " Mr. Filemon?" " Yes?" "You are dead weight." "Right." "To work." "How about a hand?" "Slavery's a thing of the past." "I'll give you a hand..." "around your throat, if you don't get Bacterio's junk unloaded right away!" "A new car, Mr. Filemon?" " A company vehicle." " Let's see..." ""Right, my lad." "To work."" "Tyrant!" "Has it got a cassette-player?" "More than that." "There's a double CD of the Cowsills and ABS brakes." "Reclining seats for... you know... intimacy?" "Yes, but I don't know how to tilt them." "Maybe with this..." "What are you doing?" "Thanks for the help." "What would I do without you?" "Are you going to take all that junk up to your mother's?" "You know what she's like." "What do you mean I know what she's like?" "Cheer up." "I've started working on the nullifier." "The RDT." ""Reanimator of Daunted Troops."" " Will it work?" " Not a hope." "Forget it." "Sir, remember this afternoon you've got the bowling final." "Shall I confirm?" " Of course." " Yes, but you're meeting the Pope in Burger King." "I'll be there." "But it's at the same time." "I wish there were two of me." "What is it, Bacterio?" "My machine!" "I'm available, darling." "With that mug, I'm not surprised." "Tyranny!" "That's it, Chief." "Take a look." "DOWN WITH TYRANNY" "Do you like the print?" " Hello?" " Have I called at a bad time?" "Well, I was just..." "Drop what you're doing and bring the people-copying machine" " to my office." " As good as done." "Bye!" "One thing less to take up." "And bring it back without a scratch on it." "Stop that truck, Mortadelo." "We're in trouble!" "Sir, yes, sir!" "With a Buttbuster 15 missile." "I don't think the Super will be too mad." "No, no..." "And you've even brought him a little gift..." "It'll be O. K..." "Going up?" "We were but I'm afraid we're going down now." "In free fall." "Hold on, honey." "I've got 3 minutes and 12 seconds free." "How about a spin in a sports car, baby?" "I'd love to but first persuade the Super to let me go early." "Persuasion Machine." "American Hi-tech." "With this little marvel" "I can make the Super believe" "I'm Walt Disney and you're..." "Snow White." "I'd like to see how that tinplated gherkin will persuade anybody." "I'm not surprised you don't believe me..." "Because you're a couple of laying hens." "You're too cocky." "Too co..." "What's up, Chief?" "What a jerk, that Mr. Clean in a wig!" "Let's use this to get the Super to give us the mission." "We will, but let's go for a spin in his car first." "Maybe he thinks I don't know how to drive it." "How do you start this?" "Here." "Testing, testing..." "Now!" "Try going forward." "See what happens." " Problems, Chief?" " Me?" "None at all." "This car is crap!" "Let's try this thing out on someone we know." "To make sure it works." "AREN'T YOU STUPID?" "AREN'T YOU AS UGLY AS A MONKEY'S ASS?" "DON'T YOU LIKE TO GET YOUR HEAD BUSTED?" "WATCH THE BIRDIE" "Gotcha, Steamroller!" "We'll leave it outside the door so he'll see it." "Don't help!" "You'll get your bow-tie dirty!" "Always complaining!" "Come on!" "Nice lighter." "Got a light?" "It's not a lighter, pal." "It's a little gem." "Forget that now." "I expect the Super's got a little treat for us." "Are they coming or not?" "What's it going to be?" "Bowling or Pope?" "Bowling with the Pope?" "Ofelia, go and get a file, any one will do." "But from the top shelf." "Off you go." "From the top shelf." "Great!" "Nice meeting you." "Bye." "People just love me, Mortadelo." " Are we going or what?" " Take it easy." "I'm the first one to want to try this out on the Super." "An artichoke!" "That looks familiar." "That's right." "The top shelf." "Agent Fredy would've done the job 5 times over by now." "One day there's going to be a big bang round here." "Keep still, and you'll get..." "BUTTBUSTER 15 ...your bang." "Mortadelo and Filemon thrown out of T. I. A." "Superintendent Vicente pained by the recent events." "Queen of England says tyrant is impotent." "Why the hell should she care if I invade England?" "Who asked her anyway," " for God's sake?" " Exactly, Excellency." "Just when you were going to offer her a loft at cost price." "She insulted me, Klaus." "She attacked Your Excellency" " because she's scared." " What's" " that tacky bird scared of?" " Our war machinery." "What war machinery?" "We've only got 3 cannons and a tank." "For goodness sake!" "Yes, but you've got a Hollywood-style physique that's the talk of" " the diplomatic circles." " Forget Buckingham." "What with nobody appreciating me and the state of the construction trad it's all too much." "I'll retire and avoid all these upsets." "The red phone." "See what I mean?" " Hello?" " Calimero?" " Pardon?" " I want to speak with Calimero." "A homosensual communist." "And he knows my first name!" "Keep him talking." "I'll locate the call." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hi, champ." "I've got the exclusive rights on a new product and from what I've heard, it's just what you need, knowing what a spunky guy you are." "I see." "Tell me, what is it?" "Well, it's a very nice synthetic leather box containing a "Daunting Demoralizer of Poops."" "I mean "Troops."" "Could you specifificate?" "...perfect size for use in the home, in the R. V., in boats, in any type of vehicle." "Bah, Home Shopping Network!" "And since I like you, if you buy this product, I'll throw in another very useful gadget... though I don't know what it's for." "Hello?" "Are you still there?" "Yeah, sorry." "The weather's unpredictable here." "Anyway, in a nutshell... and I say this with my hand on my heart..." "More than an invention, the DDT is a life-style." "I swear." "DDT?" "DDT." "Damn useless van!" "COME TO TIRANIA, A HAVEN OF PEACE" "And what's a DDT for, if I'm not being "indisceept"?" "For demoralizing armies, of course!" "For sweeping to victory." "For entering" "England as lord and master." "And it comes with a 24-hour rust-free guarantee." "It's a real bargain." "It's a deal." "Bring the DDT in person to my border." "2 seconds more and he's ours!" "You know what, Klaus?" "I'm retiring... but in a burst of glory." "Send a telegram to the Queen of England." ""Dear Mad Cow," "Don't worry about losing your house," "I've got a perfect little niche for you here in Tirania." "Get out your broom and duster." "With that part-time cleaning woman's face of yours I'm sure you'll spruce up my palace till it gleams like a new tin." "Stop," Klaus." ""Stop."" "Forget it, Chief." "It's not the end of the world." ""Dead weight," Mortadelo." "The Super called me "Dead weight"!" "Look on the bright side." "If he said you're dead weight, he probably meant that you're a heavyweight..." "a burden... a dead weight..." " Come on, Chief." " I'm not your Chief anymore." "Go find somebody who's not a failure." "And don't worry about me." "I'll go to my mother's." "She rents rooms." "Will you get a vaccine first?" "What'll you do there?" " Nothing." " Ah, the same as always." "Or maybe I'll look for my father." "You never told me about him." "I never met him, Mortadelo." "He was... a secret agent." "Really secret." "Not like us, who everybody knows about." "He met my mother one night in Paris, and the next morning..." "he left on a mission." " Secret?" " You're telling me!" "He never came back." "Well, some missions you get really involved in, but if he never called..." "That's tough." "It must have been a real mission, infiltrating enemy lines... eating between meals..." "Yes, not like our missions..." ""Come here right away!" "Get the van!" "Take the machines away, bring them back!"" "A big joke!" " Know what?" " What?" "I'd give your right arm, Mortadelo, to get the DDT back on my own and shove it in the Super's face." "That's right, and show him we're not stupid." ""Dead weight!"" " It must be late." " Dead weight..." "I mean dead right!" "I feel like pulling somebody's fingernails out with pliers." "Did you know they nabbed Mickey the Giant?" "Mickey the Giant?" "The boxer?" "Yeah." "He was involved in the DDT job." " The DDT job?" " At the T. I. A." "Did he say where he put that DDT thing?" "No." "You'd have to get into his cell and beat it out of him." "I'd rather eat nails than go back inside." " Look, in the hole!" " Good shot!" "Did you see the ugly mug on that statue?" "Look at these bags I got for the bike." "Filthy pigs!" "They're not pigs." "They're sons of bitches, goddammit!" "ROOMS FOR RENT" ""Complaints..." "Office." This is it!" "And one clementine, right?" "Let's just weigh it to be sure." "Watch the banana!" "7 pounds!" "These citric fruits are heavy." "That's 12.00." "What about the cat food?" "Nearly forgot." "Just give me 20 and we'll call it quits." "You scratch my back..." "What's it to be, honey?" "Well, well, well, it's Mrs. Filemon." "I just let a gentleman in." "He seemed very interested." "Now look here, Miss, I do believe you're a little hard of hearing." "I said the washing machine doesn't work and I want solutions now." "She just ignores me." "Ah, it's the Supervisor." "Look, sir, I've been trying to register a complaint and this young lady, who I'd say is probably a socialist, won't even answer me." "Things were different with Franco." "Look, a fax is coming in." "That's another thing." "There was no paper in the fax and I had to put some in." "There!" "Endorsed and stamped." "If it hadn't been for me..." "So you'll get in touch, right?" "Yes, we've got all your details." "Very kind of you, Supervisor." "I can see you're one of us." "Right." "I don't understand your plan to get us into the jail, but if that's what you want to do, who am I to spoil your fun?" "You want to get the DDT and shove it in the Super's face, right?" "So you need Mickey the Giant." "The pill!" "It's very important!" "Here's our contact." "Stop him and follow the plan." "What plan?" "You didn't tell me any plan!" "Give him the envelope." "Stop!" "Envelope for the contact!" "FILEMON WISHES YOU A HAPPY CHRISTMAS" "What do I do now, Mortadelo?" " Has he seen the paper?" " Affirmative." "Then use the pill." "The pill?" "How?" "Swallow it... for the headache." "Right, boys." "Behave, and enjoy yourselves." "Did we or didn't we get in?" "So why the long face?" "Congratulations," "Mortadelo." "We found our man right away." "What is it, dudes?" "Just getting the train out of the tunnel." "Please, Mr. Giant, don't crush us," "and tell us where the DDT is." "I beg... you." "What's his problem?" "The new boys are funny, eh, Mickey?" "Mickey?" "You wouldn't be Mickey...?" "From the size, more like Mickey Mouse!" "Mickey the Giant." "What's all that about the Guinness Book of Records?" "The world's smallest giant, with the most famous hook to the jaw." "So do you climb up on a stool?" "No need." "Mickey, if you can't behave you'd better go to the punishment cell." "And you two, don't worry," "I'm transferring you to the "cottage."" "So now what, Mortadelo?" "Nothing, Chief." "You're just dead weight." "He beat the shit out of me!" "TIRANIA" " IN KONSTANT REFORM" "DOWN WITH TYRANNY" "Right, first name, and surname." "Walt." "Disney, Walt." "Walt Disney and you're Big Bird." "Disney, eh?" "Please don't get up." "I just wanted to make a call." "Do carry on." "My patience is starting to run out!" "Oh yeah?" "Sorry, kid." "Where were we?" "Big Bird." "Speaking of which, I've got some nice eggs here." "Who is it?" "Ah, Mr. Excellency." "Good morning, Generalissimo." "It's Nadiusko." "At your and the fatherland's service." "I don't know if you remember..." "Come on, Disney!" "Anyway..." "What a beautiful country." "And the people are so charming." "And 2 phones..." "a red one and a black one..." "What's the black one for?" "For ordering people's heads cut off when they lie to me on the red one." "Well, well..." "I presume you've brought that machine along?" "Of course." "It's safe in the car outside." "Hello?" "Hey, you really are Walt Disney!" "No!" "Now what was I going to say?" "I'm going to leave your order with this nice gentleman, who I see is one of your trusted men and I'll be off." "Pay me when you can." "I hope it works all right and that you're completely satisfied." "Hey!" "The black phone." "Shall I get it?" "THE COTTAGE" "How you doing, sweeties?" "No room for a fart in here." "Give us some golf clubs and we'll play a few holes." "A hole, that's just what you'd like." "I saw Mickey was going to give you trouble." "He's a real troublemaker." "He planned the theft of Tiffany's tiara." " Which tiara?" " Tiffany's?" "Come on, Guinness boy, tell them all about it." "I planned the robbery of the old Dutch Diamond Tiara, the D. D. T., so I went to T. I. A.," "Tiffany's International Acquisitions, and grabbed it." "Mickey wanted to be a hotshot." "Don't you know anybody influential who can get you out?" "It's time to make a call." "Well, that's enough chatting." " Too much chit-chat." " Pass the jug." "TIRANIA." "PRESIDENTIAL PALACE 11.55 P. M." "You, big boy, over here." "This is nearly ready." "Not you, dammit!" "You, the one with the toupee." "Come over here." "Here?" "How?" "On your knees." "Remove all metal objects, neck on the block." "I'm not doing that..." "Look, lad, don't annoy me." "I knock off at 9.30." "Don't hassle the guy!" "Now look here, handsome." "You're playing with fire." " Pototo!" " Nadiusko!" "Shit!" "I was thinking... same body, same voice, same neck..." " How are you, pal?" " Not as well as you." "Well, well, Pototo." "Nice job, your own office, a uniform, your own boss..." "Don't be you taken in by all that." "I've still got a lot to do." "Let's see if this thing really does demoralize people, or if we're wasting our time." "Sit down there." "We'll make a fortune with the Buckingham Palace project, Excellency." "What do you mean "we"?" "I will." "Well, I thought that after 40 years' service, a little something might come my way..." ""A little something"?" "Do you think I'm stupid?" "Well, I was thinking of retiring too." "You?" "No way." "You're stuck here as my butler till the day you die." "Feeling demoralized, Klaus?" "A little... 9.30 and I haven't had my supper yet!" "Just keep still, pal." "Don't worry, Pototo." "Everything has a solution." "Very clever." "The condemned only think of themselves." "They don't give a shit about others." "What the hell are you doing?" "You'll leave me deaf for life, you fool!" "Furthermore, that day you took off last Christmas..." "You'll have to make it up." "You think I don't notice these things." "You're right." " Do you notice anything?" " I don't deserve anything..." "Klaus?" "Are you going demoralized on me?" "So it works!" "Cheer up, man." "Aureka!" "That's all I needed." "Just when" "I came to work on my bike." "Pototo..." "And he was such a funny guy!" "This way." "Do something!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "The old "fire, fire" trick, my friend." "It never fails." "You're a genius, Fredy." "Come on, let's exchange shirts." "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "Tell me the truth, Klaus." "You think I'm impotent too, don't you?" "Noooo." "You've got emperor-size gear." "I was going to say..." "When you retire, Excellency, who will I serve?" "I mean, since you never had any children... that I know of..." "Yes, I know." "I need to find a successor urgently, someone I can trust." "Someone I can put in charge of everything." "Help me think, Klaus." "Who would be the most competent, the most honest, and above all the most loyal man for the job?" "My brother-in-law Sfinter." "Definitely." "Sfinter..." "You'll like him." "He does animal noises and he's a real kiss ass." "Bring him up." "Yes, sir!" ""DDT located in Tirania." "Infallible plan implemented to pose as tyrant's successor and screw up all his plans." "Make preparations for my triumphal return." "Arriving late Friday night." "Special superagent, Fredy Sledgehammer."" "I told you that guy was brilliant." "He's both recovered the DDT and infiltrated Tirania." "Now that's what I call an agent." "Not like those inept idiots." "Sfinter?" "That's me." "And I can also imitate a turkey." "Your turkey's cooked." "Fredy!" "You scared me to death!" "I thought it was the soldiers!" "Guards!" "Another trick, eh?" "You're incredible, Fredy." "Klaus tells me you're the best, Sfinter." "But sniffing out the rat who was using my red phone at all hours..." "That surpassed all my expectectations." "Anyone would have done the same, Excellency." "Sfinter, next week is my 65th birthday and I am exhausted." "I want to retire." "But I can't leave all this to just anybody." "No, of course not." "What you need... is someone you can trust, someone competent, honest, and above all, a real kiss ass to Your Excellency." "Keep that up and you could be calling the shots around here." "You are great, Sfinter." "You deserve to learn all the state secrets." "This is going to flip you out." "Six toes!" "Two of them big toes." "Incredible, isn't it?" "Fredy!" "Squad!" "Load!" "Take aim!" "Fire!" "Super!" "I told you not to disturb me" " when I'm busy." " It's Sledgehammer!" "Tell him to come in." "He said late tonight." "Did he come by jet?" "Negative." "By DHL." "This is a disastrous disaster." "Fredy full of holes and the DDT in the hands of a power-mad lunatic." "Super." "Queen of England on the line." "Tell her "one momento."" "The plan was good but I always said that Fredy would screw up." "Think of something." "I have." "Plan B." "Make the tyrant think he has an illegitimate son so that he'll name him his successor." "What a plan, eh?" "But we'd have to find some sucker who looks like him." "Resemblance doesn't matter." "Not with a disguise." "But which agent would be stupid enough to risk his neck on a mission that even Fredy Sledgehammer didn't come out of alive?" "Tell the Queen I'm busy." "No, no..." "It's Mr. Mortadelo on line 4." "Mortadelo?" "Mortadelo?" "Didn't you know, princess?" "Know what?" "Did I miss something?" "Only that your pal was a T. I. A. Agent, and early this morning he made a call and they came and sprang him." "That's all." "Nothing important." "Why that...!" "Guard!" "Guard!" "My name's Filemon Pi." "I'm a T. I. A. Agent" " too." " A T. I. A. Agent." "It was me who helped you put Steamroller inside, remember?" "Remember the whack on the head I gave that big ball of lard with eyes?" "Now don't you worry." "Because I remember." "My dear Mortadelo, I'm so sorry about our little misunderstanding." "Know where Tirania is?" "Tirania..." "Can I use my wild card?" "As witty as ever." "I want to apologize and assign you the top mission you deserve." "So what do I have to do?" "Don't worry, we'll let you know..." " But..." " No buts." "The world needs you." "And the Chief?" " What Chief?" " Filemon." "You're the Chief now, Mr. Mortadelo." "Start thinking of your career." "The world will finally benefit from your intelligence." "Puri..." "Get some shots of this jerk." " Sure." " Miss Puri, do you read me?" "Look at me, champ." "That's it." "Smile, Robert Redford." "Your finger's over the lens," " you bald-headed jackass." " Don't worry, it won't show." "Look at me." "That's right." "Look, let's try and get along, shall we, Pat?" "Pat!" "The xylophone!" " Give him the xylophone!" " What's that?" "Very good." "Move, like that." "Hello!" "Can't we talk about this," "Pat?" "Pat?" "It takes balls to call him Pat to his face." "Isn't his name Pat?" "No way!" "At school the kids called him Pat from "Pathetic lard ass."" "Pat!" "Nothing pisses him off more." "Why are you picking on me?" "Was it something I said?" "Eh, Pat?" "Remember you're the son of the highest in the land." " Protocol is very important." " That's a cinch." "If the tyrant sits center table, the Queen sits on his left, and his son... that's me, sits on his right, her left..." "But the Queen's son would sit on her right, which puts my father off center..." "So maybe the best thing to do is buy some six-packs and pretzels, and just get on with it." "Now that's protocol." "Who wants to massage the heir to Tirania's feet?" "Finish the film, Bacterio." "This guy's brains are withered." "What an artist!" "Sit down here." "SEND TO THE TYRANT" "Nature's beautiful, isn't it?" "Lovely, but useless." "Naturally." "For example, parking problems the world over, yet half the Amazon jungle's empty." "If I built 747,500 parking places in the jungle and charged 40 per half-hour or fraction thereof, how much would I make out of it?" "3 billion, 847, and 73 cents, Excellency." "Well?" "What...?" "Whose roof's leaking?" "Did we get the rent?" "Then the building can fall down for all I care!" "Scum!" "They accuse me of getting rich at the expense of others, while I spend all my time making the world a better place." "For instance, look what I'm into at the moment." "Cheops, Chephren and Mycerinus. 4th dynasty." "56 courses of limestone faced with quartz, mica and feldspar." "Granite's outdated." "But I don't give a shit anyway." "I'm going to face it with tiling at cost price." "Just look at this." "Much nicer." "RESTRIKTED ZONEN" "Look, another state secret." "What do you think?" "Wonderful." "How's the ball coming along?" "I hope it's ready." "The ball is completely almost practically half-finished, as the core is hardening while the surface, obviously, is expanding..." " I calculate that..." " This guy's a genius with his balls." "The velocity of ascent will be incommensurable, cosmic, tremendous, while the parabola of descent will frankly follow an unpredictable trajectory, as laid down by the law of evasion." "Yes, but is it hard or not?" "I calculate the cement will be consistent in 3 weeks." "Well, I'm not waiting for 3 weeks." "That is a handicap." "My boy, you're about to see what we call "having a ball."" "But it's still soft!" "Have you heard" " of "air bricks"?" " Yes, they're hollow." "And very good." "Air bricks are crap compared with the solid bricks I've got here." "6,000 cabinets of 120 rows of 80 bricks weighing 25 kg each." "Dumbfoundeded," "Sfinter?" "Another deposit, Excellency." "I told them to send in commissions all together, not every 10 minutes!" "The same old story!" "It makes me sick!" "The trouble with having so much cash is you don't know where to put it." "What are these?" "Corporate gifts?" "No, no, no." "Trophies won in various countries." "You see before you the world indoor underwater fishing champion." ""Tyrant's illegitimate son applies for post as successor." "Contact 13 Barnacle Street."" "Anything important?" "This is something we have to stamp out." "Practical jokes." " Now it seems I'm a father." " Ridiculous." "You don't have any offspring, do you?" "No." "Well..." "as far as I know, that is." "6 toes!" "Sfinter," "I really do have a son!" "A successor!" "Mickey?" "Shi...!" "Shit." "Monthly pass, safe-conduct, nail clippers and 2 pieces of fruit." "You provide the successor's suit, as you're" " a master of disguise." " And the Chief?" "Mr. Filemon broke out this morning." "Didn't you know?" "Filemon?" "Who?" "Do we know anyone called Filemon, Mortadelo?" "You worry too much about your son." "He's 40 years old." "But he hasn't called me for days." "I bet that banana-faced friend of his has got him into some mess." "Men are all the same, Menchu." "Except for him, he's a reduced bonsai version of a man." "Excuse me, Officers, but this must be attended to." "The other day a communist supervisor, who stank like an old bag, pushed me down a staircase with only one step" " for 7 floors!" " Leave things to us." "So it's lentils then." "Let's just see what they weigh..." "Would you believe it!" "7 pounds exactly." " How can that weigh 7 pounds?" " Lentils are full of iron." "I'll chalk it up." "Off you go." "Hey, neighbour!" "A lot of work today?" "I can hardly cope." "Since we joined the E. E. C. There's so much to take." "Yes, life's hard for honest folk like us." "Yeah." "It took me 3 hours to rip this off and when I went back to the van, they'd towed it away!" "Disgusting!" "And it wasn't even mine, dammit!" "Somebody sold me an electrical appliance that doesn't work!" "Nice to see young folk together." "Flirting, hey?" "Wait till I put the door on before you start nosing." "I don't want you scratching my wall!" "Goodness gracious me!" "A suppository!" "That'll relax you." "One every 8 hours." "Let me know how it goes." "Now what about my little problem?" "The washing machine?" "Bring it in and we'll take a look." " I trust it can be fixed." " Wait!" "Now!" "Do you feel better now you've come out of the closet?" "Drink this milk." "I need to see the man of the house." "I have to give him this." " Drink your milk." " Long live Free Tirania!" "Where's that jailbird?" "Excellency, you should be in your palace preparing your succession speech." "I see you know about my mission." "What are you up to?" "Shall I peel you an orange." "Chief!" " Hey, it's the 6-toed little tyrant!" " Now, there is an ugly guy." "Are you thirsty?" "Do you need a slug?" "I don't think so." " I'll give you a slug!" " See you later, alligator." "Come here, you phoney successor!" "What's with you?" "I'm gonna kill you." "Okay, smartass." "Too much!" "Let's see that extra toe..." "Oh dear!" "I'm sorry!" "I didn't mean..." " Wanna play, huh?" " I forgot my toys..." "Well, don't worry," "I've got a nice 45 here for you..." "Alipio, honey, don't bring me things like this." " I hate them." " Look." "What do you think?" "I told you to bring me jewels, watches, nice things." "But this door is a nice thing, sweetheart." "It'll make the room look larger." "I don't need that, I need goods." "How about that?" "It isn't straight." "And the size?" "The size is all right, but it isn't straight." "It was my ex-chief's idea to rob you in the elevator." "Why you little..." "I thought I recognized you, you slimy flamer." "Fuck you!" "Watch your mouth!" "That's right, lady!" "...cause this ain't Hollywood." "You know why I keep 2 dust cloths by the door?" "So people won't spoil my floor." "I risk my life for you and you want me to use dust cloths?" "Yes, I do." "Now what mess have you two got my Filemon into?" "And what's this?" "Don't like the look of that." "I'm sick of having to use dust cloths to stop you all filling my house with filth!" "Whatever you say, lady." "I'm free!" "I had just swept up!" "HARD CANDY" "Mom." "Come and see this." "Didn't it make the room larger?" "Finally, Chief!" "I was looking for you." "And I was looking for you!" "Cool!" "To tear your Dumbo ears off!" "Come here!" "My God, this is hell!" "FILEMON'S ESSAY BOOK" "Officer, here's the washing machine." "This is going too far!" "Mom!" "Mommy!" "This is the last straw." "What's going on?" "Where are they taking my mother?" "You'd better start explaining, you syphilitic rat!" "The Super can explain it to us both." "That T. I. A. Superintendent told me "Don't worry, be happy, it's all under control"..." "I'll have his head for this!" "As it's empty, my taxidermist can stuff it." "Cheer up, Super." "They mentioned you on the news." "I told you that Fredy was useless." "Excuse the interruption, but will somebody tell me where my mother is?" "Nobody's got anything personal against your mother." "Fredy thought she was the mother of... this idiot!" "And it so happens that Fredy wants to make mincemeat out of this idiot's mother." "Just a mix-up." "Listen to this!" ""To the dumbshit heir." "If you want to see your mother alive, write to your father renouncing everything."" "Conclusions, Bacterio?" "Sledgehammer's a traitor but he's got nice handwriting." "And he still thinks I've got blue blood." "The only blue blood you've got is in your varicose veins." "Don't worry about me." "I'll rescue my mother without anyone's help." "Mr. Filemon, for the love of God, we're talking about high treason, cold war, world peace... and all you worry about is some old woman." "Now look." "I can accept that no one's ever appreciated my talent and dedication, and even that this birdbrain tried to get my job..." "But hearing my mother called an old woman when it's obvious she's in the prime of life..." "I will not let you or that Fredy get away with it." "So arrange things so that that bad imitation of Popeye and I can meet." " Understand?" " Yes, Super?" "Ofelia, make some sandwiches for Mr. Filemon." "He's leaving." "I'll come too, Chief." "Wait, wait..." " You can both go." " Praised be the Lord!" "Yes, sir." "You've got what it takes to be a chief however much this lollipop with glasses says you don't." "As I said, only Mr. Filemon can save us now." "And I promise that if you do a good job, your position in the T. I. A. Will change drastically." ""Mine"?" "You mean "ours." Remember there's 2 of us." "What's the disguise now?" "Dead weight." "You said there were 2 of us." "Wonderful, I'm going on a little trip..." "Ready when you are, Mr. Filemon." "Quick!" "Ofelia, bring me some blank papers." "There's a fax coming in." "Yes, but get them off the top shelf." "Well, the 3 of you leave immediately." " Are you coming too?" " Of course I am." "But we're going by plane, and first class." "You've convinced me." "Here are the tickets for the plane." "You'll all travel VIP class." "Gimme five." "THE PLANE" "Some power of persuasion you've got." "How was I to know there were no batteries in this stupid thing?" "What I don't understand is the part about VIP class." "You don't know how sorry I am, Excellency." "I share your disappointment." "I was naive to think my son would come to take over, without knowing me." "I've been a terrible father." " Not for me, you haven't." " Of course not." "Where's Klaus?" "Klaus." "No idea." "Well, I'm going out there to announce who will sit here from now on." "And I'm going to declare" "World War IV." "You mean World War III?" "Just to scare them." "You've so much to learn about military tactics." "Laborer squad!" "Plasterer brigade!" "Gotelecorps!" "Workers all!" "I know there have been rumors about my succession." "It's true I'm tired of tyrannizing you and that the idea of retiring and continuing to enjoy life has passed through my mind." "And so I have come out here on this balcony to bring you great tidings." "In Tirania great renovations are in the making!" "UP WITH RENOVATIONS" "Hello?" "Have you finished with the mummy?" "The old lady's very flexible." "The tendons won't snap." "But I'd say in 15 minutes." "That's when I knock off." "No more delay!" "Get your shears, we'll see if those tendons snap." "Don't you tell me how..." "Shut up!" "The shears..." "Always telling me what to do..." "One of these days I'll chop my head off." "That'll teach them a lesson!" "Come on..." "Er, excuse me..." "If you don't turn this hair-drier down," "I'm going to get annoyed." "This hairdresser's a rip-off!" "I want to introduce you and the whole world to a man of special sexitivity." " A man who has also been..." " Come on!" "...democratically elected by myself." "After much thought, I have come to realize that I am irreplaceable, so while I am travelling and closing real estate deals and as I enjoy..." "quite deservedly, my palace, my savings and my collection of sports cars," "I intend to leave someone in charge to attend to the tiresome complaints filed by my clients..." "The dirty rat!" "...and to open personally all suspicious packages sent to me." "I am speaking of a man who will live in the cellars, asking nothing for himself, who will voluntarily renounce all material things" "in order to govern you with honor and intregrity." "So when do I use this on him?" "Let's go over it again, dimwit." "As soon as I'm proclaimed successor to His Excellency, pull the lever." "And if any international conspirator dares or dared... to interfere in the sacred designs of our beloved fatherland, let him know he will be sent home by DHL." "Sorrowful mysteries..." "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name..." "At last!" "Mom!" "Look, it's carnival time here!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Hurry up, Ofelia!" "Mommy!" "Mom!" "She had to die on me now?" "Just when I was going to do it manually!" "Then cut your own head off." "Sure." "How do you want it done?" "Crosswise, Argentine-style, and not to spoil the fat." "That's a job for the French guillotine." "Gives the best results." "It's 2 o'clock." "Gotta go!" "REORGANIZE" "Mom!" "Hello, son." "You've come." "You haven't got your sweater on." "Are you hungry?" "Shall I make you something?" "Hi, gorgeous." "Are you crazy?" "Hold this." "Have you come to look at the washing machine?" "Yeah, I've come to fix the spin-drier program." "Get off, damn it!" "Well, if it hasn't been repaired in 24 hours," "I shall complain and the whole country shall know about this." "You don't know who you're talking to." "Put this in your pocket in case things turn nasty." "Mortadelo, how will you introduce me?" "As your fiancée, your lover...?" "His Excellency's son and... maid." "Hi, six-toes." "Don't you like the milk here?" "What do you mean?" "As you brought your own cow..." "Very witty, pal, very witty." "I believe the moment has come for you to meet the man who will sit next to my chair." "A man who will answer the phone and care for you morning, noon and night." "A man whom you can look upon as if he were..." "My... my son!" "My son's here to inherit everything!" "Now!" "Damn that weatherman!" "Now!" "A hair-raising experience!" "Have you prepared a speech?" "Yes, many times." "What?" "You've got it written here." "Ah yes, it's here, so I won't put my foot in it." "You've all the makings of a tyrant." "My boy's going to read you something." "Stop doing that with your nails, for God's sake!" ""To the dumbshit heir..."" "Sorry, that's not it." ""My father," colon." ""My father is a man" "I've never seen in my life."" "My essay book, damn Mortadelo!" "The end." " Is that it?" " No, there's another." ""The cow," colon." ""The cow is a mammal with horns... and four legs"..." "That is too much!" ""...that reach the ground."" "Give up the post..." " What post?" " Your post or I'll kill her!" "Anyway, so as not to bore you," "I now name as successor... the Queen of England, who eats everything..." "And I mean everything." "This is so dusty!" "We meet again, pal!" "What's up?" " Come for your old lady?" " She's not mine!" "I'll make this palace sparkle." "If you'll stop playing the fool, we can go on." "Windex, household joy..." "O. K., but hold my hatchet." "No!" "Two more, pal." "That's too much, man!" ""Windex," sparkling bright without compare..." ""Windex," "Windex."" "The gleam of glass..." "You've got more outfits than Barbie." "A household joy..." "Let's see that extra toe." "No way!" "Let's see that extra toe." "What are you talking about?" "You're an impostor!" "Guards!" "Give this clown a new navel." " Haven't we met before?" " That's an order!" "I'm not alone." "Did you bring some trapeze artists?" "Great!" "That's my Chief!" "Chief!" "Chief!" "This clown's your boss?" "Do you both work in the same circus?" "Chief, don't leave me!" "Holy cow!" "Chief!" "To boot!" "Why did you read my essays?" "Not with the shoephone!" "Careful with your shoes." "Arrivederci!" "Well done, madame!" "He finally took his slug!" "Definitely." "And Gibraltar is Spanish!" "My son..." "What is it?" "He was a traitor, Your Excellency." "Why you dirty...!" " My faithful shield!" " Nooooooooooooooooo!" "Bang on it a few times." "Mortadelo..." "Mortadelo..." "Mortadelo..." "Mortadelo." "Sfinter, take control as planned." "Amb Pinchu amb Panchu..." "Now!" "Tell me it's just a trick." "Mortadelo!" "Where are you?" "Where are you, Mortadelo?" "It's all my fault!" "I'm just dead weight!" "Oh, my boy." "He's so upset." "Is he really yours?" "He's a handsome one." "6 little toes!" "My boy!" "Your...?" "Calimero?" "Menchu?" "Water..." "Give me water..." " Tap or sparkling?" " Get it!" "I can explain what happened in Paris, my love." "I had to rush off..." "Come on!" "Not all of it." "I'm thirsty too." "Shut up!" "Here, Mortadelo." "Drink it." "That's right." "A little more." "What is it?" "Something to eat..." "Some olives..." "Give me the cup." "I won that cup in Jerusalem." "At the intercontinental championship." "The Davis Cup!" "What is it, Ofelia?" "You haven't been weighing yourself again, I hope." "You speak, Chief." "I'm too excited." "Well..." "Ladies and gentlemen of Tirania." "I don't know if you can understand me..." "You can, right?" "Good." " A little quiet, please." " Sit down!" "They'll screw up again!" "I said they would." "Come on, my love." "Let's make up for lost time." "Shall I carry something for you?" "I appreciate you carrying those." "They're as heavy as hell." "As heavy as hell." "Wait, Calimero." "Careful." "Wait, wait." " Let's cross, Menchu." " Wait there." "Now." "The time has come to repair the things that don't work." "But for that you need a great leader." "Someone with conviction, with ideas, with plans, with things in general, and all that." "I've brought the washing machine." "I said I would and I have." "And you're not leaving until that pump's running smoothly." "Quite honestly, I'm beginning to get annoyed, so don't say I didn't warn you." "The Queen of England congratulates Mortadelo and Filemon." "Mortadelo and Filemon find the Holy Grail." "The tyrant's widow rebuilds 13 Barnacle Street and doubles her fortune overnight." "I misjudged you, gentlemen." "And I feel ashamed." "Especially for having called you dead weight," " Mr. Filemon." " Don't worry, Vicente." "That's water under the bridge." "And now it's time to make it up to us." " With actions." " You promised." "We only want what we deserve." "We've had offers from other secret services." "To find the Lost Ark... good cases." "I expected that." "So I'd like you to know that from today you two will personally bear all the organization's weight." "Come on, it's only 9,000 pounds." "I'll kill him, Mortadelo." "I'll kill him and then I'll do him in." "Save your strength, there's still another 3,500 miles to go." "And when we get back, I wonder what kind of mood your mother will be in" "What do you mean, "What kind of mood"?" "Come on, come on." "I'll kill him!" "Watch out for that rock." "Candy?" "I'm available." "You've so much to learn about military tactics." "Ofelia, bring me some blank papers." "There's a fax coming in." "Well, if it hasn't been repaired in 24 hours," "I shall complain and the whole country shall know about this." "Come on!" "Look, lad, don't annoy me." "I knock off at 9.30." "But it's still soft!" "So I'm quitting..." "That's right." "How can that weigh 7 pounds?" "Lentils are full on iron." "I asked my father, "What will I be?"" "Yeah." "It took me 3 hours to rip this off." "I told you to bring me jewels, watches, nice things." "And despite being a dwarf and having only one eyebrow, he should stop worrying about his small winkle and shrill voice." "Stop complaining." "The bike's..." "They're as ugly as sin, but they're not so bad after all..." "A quick piss..." "Good shot!" "Did you see the ugly mug on that statue?" "I don't feel like killing anyone either." "This guy's a genius with his balls." "I had just swept up!"