"Come in." "Hello, Father." "Mother said you wanted to see me." "Yes, yes, come in, Timothy." "Erm, just wanted a word." "I wondered if you could..." "Oh." "Oh, damn this drawer!" "I just don't seem to be able to open it." "I wonder, would you mind?" "Yes!" "Yes, it's true!" "Every word is true!" "I tried to fight it, but I knew it was useless." "It's true!" "Father?" "Timothy, it's time you knew who you were." " I know who I am, Father." " No, child, you do not." "I'm Timothy Forrest." "No, I wish it was so, but no." "Sit." "Sit down." "Twenty-five years ago, the doctors told your mother and me that it would be impossible for us ever to have children." "Oh, why not?" "I can't remember the exact reason." "It was something to do with penises, I think." "So we decided to adopt a child." "I see." " And you chose me?" " After a great deal of shopping around, yes." "From a new edge-of-town orphanage that had opened just outside Royston." "Well, did they tell you who my real parents were?" "Please, Timothy, let me tell this in my own way, in my own time, in my own clothes." "I'm sorry, Father." "On your seventh birthday a man called round to this house." "His name was Furlo Roth." "He took out a small multi-bladed knife, and he placed it in this drawer, the drawer that you have just opened, Timothy." "He then closed the drawer and said that only the Chosen One would be able to open it." "You, Timothy, you are the Chosen One." "I am?" "And this is Berwhale the Avenger." "The weapon of the Chosen One." "Tomorrow is your 25th birthday, and you must leave us to go in search of Pewnack the Destroyer, the Dark One, the Beast." " Golly." " When the fourth moon of Trollack rises above the Cylinder of Eyelass then Pewnack will strike." "His kingdom shall be numberless and darkness will blight the land." "All men will be slaves and the time of weeping will begin." "Only the Chosen One can stop him." "So it is written in the runes of Ollerman-Goth, so it must be." "And only Berwhale the Avenger can pierce the armour of the beast." "I knew it!" "It sounds funny, Father, but in my heart I knew there was something." "I realise now that I've been waiting for this moment all my life." "Yes!" "Yes, it must be so." "So where will I find this beast, this Pewnack the Destroyer?" "He lives far beyond in Saffron Walden." "Saffron Walden, right." "You must go there." "Surprise is the key." "If he knew that you were after him, he would set the minions of Threek on you." "Become a part of the community." "Get a job in a canning factory." "Bide your time." "And how will I know this Beast?" "Only Teece the Wise One can tell you." " Teece?" " Teece." "After six months, when you have been accepted by the Saffron Walden community, then Furlo Roth will call on you and show you how you might find Teece and together set out on your quest to rid the world of Pewnack forever!" "Yes, yes it shall be done!" "Now, take Berwhale the Avenger, go upstairs and wash your hands for lunch." "Right." "Well?" "I think he swallowed it." "Thank God." "Get that lazy little sod out of the house and earning his living." "Well, we had our first child on the NHS." "And had to wait nine months." "Can you believe it?" "I found young people are no longer enticed into the church on the promise of guitars and a little folk music." "We have to move with the times." "We've started showing leather and bondage films in St Barnaby's and the results have been very good." "We were packed last Sunday." "Mostly young Conservatives, but it's a start." "Well, I looked over at my friend Suzy and her body was there but her head was right over there." "It was quite a weekend, I can tell you." "I think, in 50 years' time, people will be saying" ""Whatever happened to the traditional English McDonald's?"" "Eh?" "It's a thought, isn't it?" "Eh?" "I mean, think about it." "It's a thought." "Do what, eh?" "Well, it is a thought, isn't it?" "Right?" "All right." "I mean, do what, turn it up." "Right?" "This woman is very upset." "We think you should hear her story." " Now, Sally..." " Sarah." "Sarah." "Damn!" "Sarah." "Would you like to tell us what it is that's upset you like this?" "No." " You're too upset?" " Yeah." "Right." "Sarah's too upset even to talk about what it is that's upset her." "That's how upset she is." "Would it be all right if I told the viewers what it is that's upsetting you?" "No." "Right." "Right." "Well, you can see for yourselves that Sarah is immensely upset, so upset that she won't even let me tell you on her behalf what it is that's upsetting her." "I think I can, however, give you the very barest details." " Basic..." " No, you can't." "Right." "No, absolutely not." "The thing is they're, um..." "They're probably all a bit curious to know what it is that's upsetting you now and, you know, if I..." "I'd be letting them down if I didn't tell them something." "Oh, but you can't." "Okay, okay." " So, I..." "I can't even..." " No, no..." "Right." "What are you doing?" " Nothing." " Were you telling them what's upset me?" " No." " Good." "Well, I mean, you told me not to, so obviously I wouldn't." "Right." "You bastard!" " What?" "I wasn't doing anything." "I..." "I was..." " I trusted you." "Well, good." "I'm glad 'cause, you know, I trusted you." "I don't want your trust." "Right." "Well, I think..." "I think she's gone upstairs, so..." "Basically, I can tell you that what happened was she was..." "Hello, I wonder if you can remember what you were doing at half past three on the 16th of August, 1977." "I remember exactly." "I was revising for my insect-killing exams." "In those days you could never really call yourself educated unless you knew how to kill wasps." "Anyway, as I say, I was swatting away for these exams when I felt a sudden rush in my soul, a sense of something incredibly beautiful and mysterious passing into me." "An extraordinary feeling, not unlike an evening with Cliff Michelmore but somehow more peaceful." "What could this feeling portend?" "Two hours later I discovered its meaning exactly." "For it was precisely at that time that Elvis Aaron Presley died." "I knew then that the soul of Elvis had passed into me." "And since that day I have, more or less, been Elvis." "I've spent nearly all my time stuffing my face with ice cream and Big Macs and popping Percodan and Quaalude pills." "It's eerie, isn't it?" "Extraordinary." "But I am, of course, not the only person into whom Elvis, with his customary generosity, breathed his soul." "# Love me tender" "# Love me sweet" "# Never let me go" "# You have made my life complete" "#And I love you so" "# Love me tender" "# Love me true" "#All my dreams fulfilled" "# Oh, my darling" "# I love you" "#And I always will #" "Behold." "This court doth find itself convened under the eye of God, this day of our Lord, Tuesday, which is called Tuesday." "So be it." "Be it so and not otherwise." " Nay." " Moo." "As witness my hand hereunto bearing the great seal of Rotherham." "Meow." "All those who do have righteous business before these presents either make sign or say this court nay." " Or moo." " Or, possibly, moo." " The charge." "Make known the charge." " Fourteen guineas per calendar hour." " Cheap." " Woof." "Be it known and appended in these, our records, that this chalice of Ultra Heat Treated milk, being appointed in the wisdom of our Lord God to accompany the coffee of the most reverent and holy Bishop of Uffington," "did fail to yield up its juices, therefore most basely causing that holy and right goodly man to snag his fingernail against the tab, the which is provided for the opening, thereof." " Unto." " Of it." "Slightly." "This snagging the devil having achieved, for it must right wise be known that the devil hath possessed this chalice..." " Or pot." " Hath possessed this chalice or pot." "The lid did open in an irritating little V shape and did most lewdly disgorge its opal fluids upon the chaste and seemly waistcoat of our most godly bishop." "Thereat proving that the pot is a most wicked pot!" " Or chalice." " A most wicked and contumely pot or chalice wherein Satan doth play Jackalawkins." " This being said..." " And neighed." "This being said and neighed unto the articles whereof it is written, it should be said and neighed we do make most erotic demand that this chalice or pot and its milk and contents be cast into the chasting dish" "thence to be tossed unshriven and unhouseled into the condign flames whence they most surely rose." "Prepare the chasting dish." "The chasting dish is prepared." "The chasting dish is prepared." " The opening!" "The opening!" " The opening and the pouring." "Bugger." "There's no such thing as bad publicity, they say." "Try telling that to Frank Bough." "I..." "Personally, I think sandwiches actually taste better out of Tupperware." "Because I love the smell." "I just..." "I..." "Oh, I love that." "Yes, it..." "It is nice, isn't it?" "There's a little man in the village who runs up my skirts." "Yeah, it's..." "It's mostly legwork, this job." "Alan, my dear boy." "Good to see you." "I hope you don't mind, I was just..." "What the hell are you doing here?" "How did you get in?" "Your landlady." "Charming woman." "Turns out both she and I are great fans of Johnny Mathis." "Ah!" "Yeah, what the hell do you want?" "I'd forgotten your obsession with Japanese fighting fish." "You're quite an expert, aren't you?" "Never mind that." "Just say your piece and get the hell out of here." "Never really could see it myself." "What is it about them that interests you?" "Japanese fighting fish?" "They're loyal." "Honest." "They don't send you to Aylesbury on half-arsed operations and then sell you down the river." "Oh, come now, Alan, that's hardly fair." " The Department..." " The hell with the Department!" "That's finished." "It's over." "It's finished with." "Over." "Finished and done with." "It's over." "It's completely finished." "You're right, Alan." "I see that now." "I shouldn't have come here." "You have your own life now." "This flat, your fish." "And there's a girl now, I believe." "Deborah, is it?" "You wanna know something, read the file, sir." "Of course, Alan." "Of course." "I shall leave you now." "Thanks for the use of the lavatory." " Oh, by the way." " What now?" "We're reopening the Steinbeck case." "I thought you might be interested." "Steinbeck?" "What the hell...?" "You and Steinbeck had quite a lot in common, didn't you?" "Both orphaned at an early age." "Both took excellent degrees at the Sorbonne." "Both had trials for West Bromwich Albion." "You at inside right, Steinbeck in goal, I think I'm right in saying." "Both have accounts with John Lewis at Brent Cross." " Is that a crime?" " Not at all, my dear boy." "I'm just pointing out the similarities, that's all." "And, of course, you both adore fish." "Really quite remarkable." "You bastard." "He trusts you, Alan." "You're the only one who can bring him out alive." "It's your damn porridge, use your own damn spoon." "Please, Alan, don't throw porridge in my face." "That's completely over." "Finished." "Done with." "Over and finished with." "Done over with." "Finished." "Over." "You understand?" "Finished over with." "Done." "I seem to have touched a nerve." "All right, Alan, blast you. 15-all." "We need you, and you need us." "I need nothing and nobody." "You need an import licence for those oh-so-pretty Japanese fighting fish of yours." "You bloody bastard." "First class flight to Chichester." "Table for two on the sleeper from Chichester to Stroud." "Hair-trigger, fur-barrel, soft-eared bullets." "Just as you like them." "You certainly came prepared, didn't you?" "I prefer to put it this way." "I certainly came prepared, didn't I?" "Welsh passport, hotel reservations at the Welcome Break, Low Wycombe, all in the name of one Lewis Potter." " And the real Lewis Potter?" " A chartered prostitute from Hereford." "Died two years ago in a smiling accident." "Will you do it, Alan?" " You said table for two?" " Of course." "Allow me to introduce your wife." " What the hell?" " You need a new ballcock." " I beg your pardon?" " On your cistern." "I've fixed it for now, but it needs replacing." "I know you're used to working alone, Alan, but under the circumstances the Department felt..." "The Department can go to hell!" "I told you, I'm finished, done away with at last." "Period, no more, full stop, the end, full period." "You can shove the Department up your arse." "No, I can't do that, as you very well know, Alan." "The Department is a large building housing hundreds of people." "I couldn't possibly shove it up my arse without a great deal of discomfort..." " Excuse me, Admiral." " What is it, my dear?" " Major Tarrant seems to doubt my abilities." " You're damn right." "Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted while I have another go on that excellent lavatory of yours." "Don't worry, my dear." "His bark's much worse than his bite." "So did he tell you what happened to my last partner?" "Shot dead on the steps of the Prague Embassy." " I've read the file." " Yeah?" "Well, files ain't a lot of use when you're staring down the barrel of a knife." "Nice flat." "Gets me from A to B." "Quite a collection of Japanese fighting fish." "Are they good?" "The one on the left's a black belt fourth dan." "The one on the right is retired." " You don't like me, do you, Major?" " Save it, lady." "I don't have a lot of time." "Look, if we're gonna be working together, we might as well be friends." "I work faster alone." "Perhaps it'd be a good idea if we went to bed together." "Like I said, I work faster alone." " Me, too." "Have you got two bedrooms?" " Sure." "I'll take this one." "You take the other." " Better?" " Much." " I don't even know your name." " Does it matter?" "I guess not." "Look, if you wanna make yourself useful, you could start by fixing us a pair of drinks." " You'll find some whisky above..." " Above the sink." " I know." "I've read the file, remember?" " You minx." "Oh, that really was most enjoyable." "Would anyone else like a go?" "No?" "Well, in that case, I think I might have another turn myself." "Really most excellent." "What does he do in there?" "I've really no idea." "# The world is ever sliding" "# Ever gliding, ever turning" "# Ever yearning and colliding" "# The stairs begin to creak" "# You turn but cannot speak" "#As the bubble starts to squeak" "#And you find the truth you seek" "# You, yes, you, you, you" "# It's you I'm speaking to" "# You, the sparkle of my fright" "# The goddess of what seems" "# The starling of my night" "# The parcel of my dreams" "#Just the parcel of my dreams" "# Oh, yes" "# You, yes, you, you, you" "# The you who do what none can do" "# The you that haunts my ears" "# On the shortlist of wasted rains" "# The avenue of chandeliers" "# That shames my frozen veins" "# That shames my frozen veins, not yet" "# The world is ever hiding" "# Ever riding, ever churning" "# Ever burning and dividing" "# For the horse bestrides the cart And the temple rent apart" "#And thou wilt be what thou art" "#As your hand becomes your heart" "# You, yes, you, you, you" "# The you who knows what once I knew" "# The you that spits my blood" "#And stares at both my clouds" "# You wear a sleeve of mud" "# Your cuffs become my shrouds" "# Your cuffs become my shrouds" "# Oh, why?" "# You, yes, you, you, you" "# The which, why, how and who" "# You crumple the skirts of need" "# In the belly of desire" "# Where my freshly planted seed" "# Can spin its tangled wire" "# Can spin its tangled wire" "# It is finished #" "Yes, I've..." "I've smoked pot, erm, only once." "But, it was..." "It was strange, really, because I got arrested and sent to prison." "And my parents were shunned by the local community, and my father lost his job, and my mother became an alcoholic, and my sister and I were put into care, and now I'm homeless." "All from smoking pot." "It's funny, really, isn't it?" "What, this old thing?" "Well, it could be a help and a hindrance." "On the plus side, I can get into Ronnie Scott's half price." "On the minus side, I do look a complete tosser." "Yes, I drive a Vauxhall Nova Splash." "It's a limited edition." "I think they only made one and a half million of them." "These?" "Bernard Matthews' Golden Turkey Drummers." "You'd be surprised how versatile they are." "I've got one in at the moment, actually." "So I think it would be useful if we started by your telling me something about your state of mind at the moment." "How would you describe it?" "Would you say you were happy or depressed?" "Confident or unsure of yourself?" "What words would you use to describe your mood, would you say?" "Take your time." "Fascinating." "Absolutely fascinating." "Your problem seems to centre around the delusion that you are a psychiatrist and that everyone you speak to is a patient of some sort." "This is a rare but not unheard of syndrome." "I think perhaps it would be helpful now if we talked a little bit about your mother." "What are your feelings towards your mother?" "Extraordinary, really." "Very intriguing." "Now why mother?" "Was your mother affectionate towards you when you were small?" "Affection?" "Affection, that's interesting." "I wonder why you chose that word particularly." "I think it will be helpful if you told me at this point, if you can remember, whether or not you were breastfed as an infant." "Already, you see, we're focusing in on breasts." "Good, good." "Now, how do you feel about breasts now?" "Do they..." "Do they frighten you?" "Because, again, this is quite common." "Breasts and fear." "Ah, now, that is very interesting, breasts and fear." "Fascinating association." "Where do you think your father fits into that association?" "Right, right." "Absolutely classic." "Father, father..." "All right, so let's imagine a line, shall we?" "We have fear at one end, breasts at the other." "Now, where would you place your father on that line?" "Lines." "Lines." "Now that is..." "That is interesting." "Line..." "I may ask you to draw those lines in a minute in something we call a Bender-Gestalt test, which can be very revealing." "But lines, let's explore those for a moment." "They're very penetrative, aren't they?" "Very, very thrusting, very male, very masculine." " They urge onwards, don't they?" " Right, right." "So now at last the layers are beginning to unpeel." "This is very important." "So we have..." "We have breasts." "We have fear." "We have male thrusting, penetrative, urging, some sort of psychiatric jargon you've picked up from the Reader's Digest." "How often would you say you masturbated?" "Now, I'm gonna be really quite firm now, all right?" " I'm the doctor." "You are the patient." " Yes, that's right." "Now, I'm sorry, I want to hear you say it." "I want to hear you say, "I am the patient."" " What was that?" " "I am the patient."" "Good, good." "That's a breakthrough." "Now that you can say that, now that you can admit it, we can proceed." "Excellent." "You are the patient." "I am, you are." "Perhaps we're all patients." "No, I am not a patient." "Now, now, please remain calm, Mr Windrush." "Dr Windrush." "Now, you realise that I only have to lift this phone, you will be restrained." "Yes, hello?" " Yes, it's all right, Rebecca, I'm in a session..." " Don't worry, thank you, Rebecca." " He's just a patient." "Don't worry about it." " There's nothing to worry about." "Now, look, I can't help you unless you stop playing this ridiculous game." "Extraordinary." "I don't think I've ever come across a more deeply embedded illusion." "It is not an illusion." "Your last doctor tried you on a course of Lentizol, I believe." "Did you find that helped at all?" "All right, let's go right back to the beginning, shall we?" "If you are, as you think, a doctor..." "Well, I'm sorry, that's the full hour, Mr Windrush." "Shall we say same time next week?" "Er, yes, I think I can fit you in same time next week." "Perhaps for the next session you could bring some photographs of your parents." "That might be useful." "Yes, I think I might try you on a course of hypnosis next time." "And if you'll just confirm that appointment with Rebecca on the way out." "Thank you." "Mmm." "Oh." "You're both here." "Well, I think I'm seeing you first, Mr Windrush." "Would you mind waiting outside, Mr Johanssen?" "You're a little bit early." "Rebecca, two teas, please." "Extraordinary." " So deep-seated." " Simply fascinating." " Well, that was just..." " Do sit down, Mrs Meddlicott..." " Have a seat..." "I'm finished my session with him." " He's on his way out." "The interesting thing is I've never had a lesson in my life." "But then, you see," "I'd have to say that my mother and I have never really agreed on..." "Hold on, you've got a..." "You've got a bit of a spec of dirt on the camera." "There you go." "Well, that's about it for this week." "That's right." "We seem to have exceeded our allotted time." " Hugh, old love?" " What?" " Button it." "There's a dear." " Right." "Yes, of course." "I'm sorry." "So until we happen into each other once again, it's good night from me." "And it's good night from me." "We're going to leave you with tonight's cocktail recipe." "Tonight it's Whisky Thunder." "For this you'll need whisky, Angostura bitters, lemon juice, a pint of oh-so-fresh-fresh dairy cream, two olives and a peanut." "Please, Mr Music, will you play." " Soupy twist." " Soupy twist."