"I wish you wouldn't do that around me." "It's so filthy !" " Don't give me a problem about the cigarettes." " It's such a filthy habit." "Oh, my God !" "Look at this." "Oh, Jesus !" "This is so appalling !" "I can't believe it !" "I can't believe they gave it to him." "Ah, this is pathetic !" "Now he's a loser with a Jaguar." "Seriously, who did he have to blow to get that thing ?" " Good morning, sir." " Mr. Willis." " It's really, uh," " Mr. Trask !" "quite a piece of machinery." " Good morning, Havemeyer." " Morning to you, sir." " Bene !" " Bene ?" " Bene !" "Fabulous !" " What's fabulous ?" "That fine piece of steel you have back there." "Ah, you don't think I deserve it." "No, sir." "On the contrary." "I think it's great." "Should the headmaster of Baird be seen putt-putting around in some junker ?" "In fact, I think the board of trustees have had... their first, true stroke of inspiration in some time." "Thank you, Havemeyer." "I'll take that at face value." "I'd expect nothing less, sir." "Have a good day." " Morning, Mrs. Hunsaker." " Good morning." "What have we here, Murderer's Row ?" " What was that about ?" " Nothing." "Just saying hello." "I like to say hello to Headmaster Trask." "Sugarbush." "Lift tickets and condo vouchers." " I thought we were goin' to Stowe." " Sugarbush is Stowe, Jimmy." "We're doing it right." "Thanksgiving in Vermont, Christmas in Switzerland " "Christmas in Gstaad is gonna cost us -- -'Staad." "The "G" is silent." "'Staad." "George ?" " 'Staad." " Trent ?" " 'Staad, man." " So what about 'Staad ?" "Fine." "The "G" may be silent, but it's gonna take at least three grand to get there." " I'll talk to my father." " Better yet, have my father talk to your father." "Or my father talk to your father." "You goin' home this weekend, Chas ?" "Uh, I don't know." "You goin' home to fuckin' Idaho for Thanksgiving ?" "I'm from Oregon." "I meant fuckin' Oregon." "Charlie, how do you feel about skiing ?" "You in the mood for the white-bosomed slopes of Vermont ?" "Got a deal going." "20% off for my friends." "My father set it up." "Christmas in Switzerland." " 'Staad." " Gstaad." "Dropping the "G" is phony." " You said everybody says 'Staad." " Not if you've been there." "Easter in Bermuda, then Kentucky Derby weekend." "We could fit you in, kid." "Well, how much are these white-bosomed slopes of Vermont ?" "Twelve hundred !" "Includes a nine-course, champagne thanksgiving dinner." "$1200 is a little rich for my blood, Harry." "Well, how short are you ?" "How short, Harry ?" "So short it wouldn't be worth the trouble of you and George to measure." " But, thanks for askin', all right ?" " Mm-hmm." " If you change your mind " " What'd you do that for ?" "You know he's on aid." "On major holidays, Willis, it's customary for the lord of the manor..." " to offer drippings to the poor." " You're so full of shit !" " Hi." "Mrs. Rossi ?" " Yes ?" "I'm here about the weekend job." "Come on in." "Does he got pimples ?" "He hates pimples." "Francine, be quiet." "Pimples." "Pimples." "Yeah." "Shush !" "I'm sorry." " The school gave me your name, but I've forgotten it." " It's Charlie Simms." " How are you, Charlie ?" " Fine, thanks." "Right this way." " You're available the whole weekend ?" " Uh, yeah." " Not going home for Thanksgiving ?" " No." "Good." "They put him in a veteran's home, but he hated it, so I told my dad that we'd take him." "Before you go in, do you mind my telling you a few things ?" "Don't "sir" him and don't ask him too many questions." "And if he staggers a little when he gets up, don't pay any attention." "Charlie, I can tell you're the right person for the job, and Uncle Frank's gonna like you a lot too." "Uh, where you gonna be this weekend ?" "We're driving to Albany." "Donny, my husband, has family there." " Do you want Tommy in or out ?" " Leave him out !" "He's chasin' that Calico ginch from the track houses again !" "Down deep, the man is a lump of sugar." " Sir ?" " Don't call me sir !" "I-l'm sorry." "I mean mister, sir." "Uh-oh, we got a moron here, is that it ?" "No, mister -- Uh, that is " "Uh, Lieutenant." "Yes, sir, Lieu" "Lieutenant Colonel." "26 years on the line, nobody ever busted me four grades before." "Get in here, you idiot !" "Come a little closer." "I wanna get a better look at ya." "How's your skin, son ?" "My skin, sir ?" " Oh, for Christ's sake." " I'm sorry, I don" "Just call me Frank." "Call me Mr. Slade." "Call me Colonel, if you must." "Just don't call me sir." "All right, Colonel." "Simms, Charles." "A senior." " You on student aid, Simms ?" " Uh, yes, I am." "For "student aid" read "crook."" "Your father peddles car telephones at a 300% markup." "Your mother works on heavy commission in a camera store." "Graduated to it from espresso machines." "Hah-hah !" "What are you, dying of some wasting disease ?" "No, I'm right -- I'm right here." "I know exactly where your body is." "What I'm lookin' for is some indication of a brain." "Too much football without a helmet ?" "Hah !" "Lyndon's line on Gerry Ford." "Deputy Debriefer, Paris Peace Talks, '68." "Snagged the Silver Star and a silver bar." "Threw me into G-2." "G-2 ?" "Intelligence, of which you have none." "Where you from ?" "Um, Gresham, Oregon, s" " Colonel." "What does your daddy do in Gresham, Oregon ?" "Hmm ?" "Count wood chips ?" "Uh, my stepfather and my mom run a convenience store." " How convenient !" "What time they open ?" " 5:00 A.M." " Close ?" " 1:00 A.M." "Hard workers." "You got me all misty-eyed !" "So, what are you doin' here in this sparrow-fart town ?" "I, l-- I attend Baird." "Attend Baird !" "I know you go to the Baird school." "Point is, how do you afford it, even with the student aid and the folks back home hustlin' Cornnuts ?" "I won a, uh, Young America merit scholarship." "Whoo-ah !" "Glory, glory, Hallelujah" "Glory, glory, Hallelujah" "Who's there ?" "That little piece of tail ?" "Get her outta here !" "Yeah." "Can't believe they're my blood." "I.Q. of sloths and the manners of banshees." "He's a mechanic, she's a homemaker." "He knows as much about cars as a beauty queen, and she bakes cookies, taste like wing nuts." "As for the tots, they're twits." "How's your skin, son ?" "I like my aides to be presentable." "Well, I -- I've had a few zits." "Um, but my roommate, he lent me his Clinique because he's from " ""The History of My Skin," by Charles Simms." "You patronizing me, peewee ?" "Hmm ?" "You givin' me that old prep school palaver ?" "Baird School !" "A bunch of runny-nosed snots in tweed jackets... all studyin' to be George Bush." "Well..." "I believe President Bush went to Andover, Colonel." "You sharpshootin' me, punk ?" "Is that what you're doin' ?" "Don't you sharpshoot me !" "You'll give me forty." "Then you're gonna give me forty more." "Then you're gonna pull K.P., the grease pit !" "I'll rub your nose in enlisted men's crud... till you don't know which end is up !" "You understand ?" "Yeah." " What do you want ?" " What do you mean, what do I want ?" "What do you want here ?" "I wa-want a job." "A job !" "Yeah, I want a job so I can make, you know, my plane fare home for Christmas." "Oh." "God, you're touching !" "From the banks" "Of the mighty Mississippi" "Workin' the whole night through" "Till the riverboat gamblers" "Stop to make a killin'" "Bring it on back to you" "Still here, poormouth ?" "Hmm ?" "Convenience store..." "my ass !" "Hustlin' jalapeno dips to the appleseeds." "Go on." "Dismissed." "Dismissed !" "Evangeline" "Evangeline" "Mrs. Rossi ?" "Charlie, we're up here !" "Come on up." " Uh, this is Donny." " Hey, Charlie." "Hi." "Uh, Mrs. Rossi, I got the feelin' I screwed up." " Oh, you couldn't have." " It was a bad interview." "That was no interview, Charlie." "You're it." "You're the only one that showed up." "You have to take the job." "He sleeps a lot." "You can watch television, call your girlfriend." "I promise you, an easy 300 bucks." "I don't get an easy feeling." "His bark is worse than his bite." "He was a great soldier, a real hero." "The man grows on you !" "By Sunday night, you'll be best friends." "Charlie, please." "I want to get away for a few days, and Uncle Frank won't come with us." "Six months ago, he could sometimes tell light from dark, but now there's nothing." "I feel better having someone else around just in case." "Please ?" "Okay, Mrs. Rossi." "Sure." " Thank you, Charlie." " Come here, you." "There you go." "Chas !" "Chas, hold up !" " How ya doin' ?" " I'm good." "That's great." "This can't go out." "This is on reserve." "Here's the thing." "I need the book tonight..." " for a Thanksgiving quiz with big-shit Preston in the morning." " Yeah, I know." "That's why he put it on reserve." "This is our only copy." "Chas, I'm pullin' an all-nighter." "Without that book I'm dead, okay ?" "If it's not back by 7:30, it's gonna be my ass." "Oh, I promise." "I promise." " Got it ?" " Yeah." "Just a second." "I gotta lock up." "Okay." "God, can you wait to get out of this dump or what ?" "Where you guys going skiing again ?" " Sugarloaf or " " It's bush, Chas, Sugarbush." "That's my boys." "What are you doin' ?" "Keep your voice down !" "I'll tell you about it in the morning." " Shh." " Wha" " Miss Hunsaker, have a nice day ?" " George, why all the noise ?" "It's Hunsaker !" "Go !" "Go !" "I was just messin' around with Chas." " Good evening, Charles." " Hi, Mrs. Hunsaker." " What was that ?" " I don't know, ma'am." " Who were those boys ?" "What were they doing ?" " Oh, who knows ?" " Charles ?" " Um " " Did you make this scarf yourself ?" " No, George, I bought it." " 'Cause it's a beauty." "It really is." " Thank you, George." "In case I don't see you before the Thanksgiving holidays," " why don't you give me one of your big hugs ?" " Oh, George !" " Please ?" "Come on." " Good evening, boys." "Good-bye, Mrs. Hunsaker." "Mr. Trask is our fearless leader, a man of learning, a voracious reader." "He could recite the "Iliad" in ancient Greek... while fishing for trout in a rippling creek." "Endowed with wisdom, of judgement sound, nevertheless about him the questions abound." "How does Mr. Trask make such wonderful deals ?" "Why did the trustees buy him Jaguar wheels ?" "He wasn't conniving !" "He wasn't crass !" "He merely puckered his lips... and kissed their ass !" "Come on." "Come on." "One more !" "One more, come on !" "Aah !" "Fuck you !" "Mr. Simms, Mr. Willis." "Hmm." "Mrs. Hunsaker says that you gentlemen were at a vantage point last night... to observe who was responsible for this, uh, stunt." "Who was it ?" "I really couldn't tell you, sir." "Um, I thought I saw someone fooling with the lamppost, but by the time I pulled focus, they were gone." "Mr. Simms ?" "I couldn't say." "That automobile is not just a possession of mine." "That automobile was presented to me by the Board of Trustees." "It is a symbol of the standard of excellence for which this school is known, and I will not have it tarnished." "The automobile ?" "The standard, Mr. Willis." " What's your position, Mr. Simms ?" " On what, sir ?" "On preserving the reputation of Baird." " I-l'm for Baird." " Then, who did it ?" "I really couldn't say for sure." "Very well." "First thing Monday, I'm convening a special session... of the student-faculty disciplinary committee." "As this is a matter which concerns the whole school, the entire student body will be present." "There will be no classes, no activities." "Nothing will transpire at this institution... until that proceeding is concluded." "And if, at that time, we are no further along than we are now," "I will expel you both." "Mr. Willis, would you excuse us ?" "Have a nice Thanksgiving." "Thank you." "You too, Mr. Willis." "I will." "Mr. Simms." "I'm not quite through with you yet." "One of the few perks of this office is that..." "I am empowered to handle certain matters on my own as I see fit." "Do you understand ?" " Yes, sir." " Good." "The Dean of Admissions at Harvard and I have an arrangement." "Along with the usual sheaf of applicants submitted by Baird, of which virtually, oh, two-thirds are guaranteed admittance," "I add one name, somebody who's a standout and yet, underprivileged;" "a student who cannot afford to pay the board and tuition in Cambridge." "Do you know on whose behalf I drafted a memo this year ?" " No, sir." " You." "You, Mr. Simms." "Now can you tell me who did it ?" "No, sir, I can't." "You take the weekend to think about it, Mr. Simms." "Good afternoon." "What'd he say ?" " Nothin'." " What do you mean, nothing ?" "He said the same thing." "He just said it over." "You know what he's doing ?" "He's good-cop, bad-coppin' us." "He knows I'm old guard." "You're fringe." "He's gonna bear down on me and soft-soap you." "Did he try to soft-soap you ?" "Did he ?" "No." "Chas, I detect a slight panic pulse from you." "Are you panicking ?" " Yeah, a little." " Come on." " You're on scholarship, right ?" " Yeah." "You're on scholarship from Oregon... at Baird." "You're a long way from home, Chas." "What's that got to do with anything ?" "I don't know how it works out there." "But how it works here ?" "We stick together." "It's us against them, no matter what." "We don't cover our ass." "We don't tell our parents." "Stonewall everybody !" "And above all, never, never..." "leave any of us twisting in the wind." "And that's it." "What does that have to do with me being on scholarship ?" "Hey, hey !" "I'm just tryin' to bring you up to speed, kid, that's it." "Thanks." "I'll tell you what." "Give me a few hours to figure out the moves, and call me tonight in Vermont." "I'll be at the Sugarbush lodge, all right ?" "All right." "You all right ?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Okay." "Try to keep him down to four drinks a day." "If you can keep him down to forty, you're doin' good." "Try to water them down a little." "Do you know how to do that ?" " It's a long ride, honey !" " Get the bags in the car." "I'll be right out." "Mommy, Mommy !" "Don't forget Uncle Frank's walk." "Oh, ha..." "Yeah." "Uh, you have to air him out... a little every day." "Why don't you go on back there, get yourself oriented ?" "I'll come out in a minute, give you telephone numbers and stuff." "Well, I wouldn't try a thing like that... unless I knew, would I ?" "Just let me speak to her." "Hello, beautiful." "Is that you ?" "Yeah, we spoke yesterday." "You have a glass of wine with lunch ?" "You sound a little dusky." "Hmm." "Just a minute, sweetheart." "You're back, huh ?" "Tenacious !" "Get out my dress blues." "They're in a garment bag in the closet." "Check the top dresser drawer." "Take out the shoulder boards... and affix them shoulders right and left," "A.S.A.P. That means now." "Hello." "Sorry to keep you waitin', sweetheart." "I'm not the kind of guy who likes to rush things, but I'm catchin' a 4:00 at Logan, lookin' out my window, and there's not a taxi in sight." "What happened to Chet ?" "He didn't invest in a radio yet ?" "Hah !" "Well, get your driver on it." "Tell him to get a move on." "Yes." "Mmm." "Some kind of body has got to go with that bedroom voice." "One day I'm gonna swing by, get a better look at it." "You bet." "Bye." "My val-pak's underneath the bed." "Get it out." "Put the boards on the blues and fold 'em in." "Uh, are we going someplace, Colonel ?" "What business is that of yours ?" "Don't shrug, imbecile." "I'm blind." "Save your body language for the bimbi." " Now, get my gear out." " Francine, get in the car." "It's almost 3:00." "The goddamn Flintstones haven't left yet." "Willie Rossi must go in the car !" " Here comes Mrs. Rossi now." " Damn it !" "She said good-bye to me three times today." "What's she got, separation anxiety ?" "Cut her off at the door !" "Hi, honey." "Bye, honey." "I wish you were coming with us." "Me too." "Maybe next time." " Drive carefully now." " Yeah." "Charlie, this is where we'll be." "Good luck, Charlie." "Don't let him drink too much." "See ya, Charlie !" "And no 900 numbers." "He loves to talk dirty." "All right, let's get to work." "L-buckles givin' you trouble ?" "Never in the Boy Scouts, sluggo ?" " I, I made Tenderfoot." " Tenderfoot, my foot !" "Convenience-store mama's boy." "Here." "Let me take a look at that." "Touch me again, I'll kill ya, you little son-of-a-bitch !" "I touch you." "Understand ?" "My shoulder boards are in the top dresser drawer." "Get them, son." "The epaulets with the silver oak leaf." " Are these " " Good." "Taxi come yet ?" "Colonel, where are we going ?" "Where we going ?" "Freak show central." " Where's that ?" " New York City." "That's in New York, son." "New York State." "Uh, Mrs. Rossi didn't say anything to me about going anywhere." "She forgot." " Should we call her, 'cause I " " You kidding me ?" "Call her ?" "By the time they get to Albany in that "hupmobile" he drives... it'll be opening day at Saratoga." " Colonel, I can't go to New York City." " Why not ?" "New York " " New York's too much responsibility." " Ah, responsibility !" "I had a lot of 17 year olds my first platoon." "I took care of them." "All set !" "How do I look ?" "Tickets." "Money." "Speech." "Old Washington joke..." "from my days with Lyndon." "I knew I could count on transportation." "Are you ready ?" "This is not Panmunjom." "A simple yes will do." " Um " " Good !" "Here you go." "Come on !" "Hup to it, son !" "You're in front of me." "Let's go." "Tomster, come here, boy." "Psst, psst." "Come on." "Here, tomster, come on." "Tomster, tomster." "Yeah." "Remember, when in doubt... fuck." "Good afternoon, sir." "Where's our destination ?" "Our destination..." "New York City, home of the brave !" " Two for the shuttle to New York." " I'm not shuttling anywhere." " Look at those tickets. "First class."" " Yes, sir, first class." "You bought me a ticket ?" "I never said I'd go to New York." "What are you, some kind of chicken-shit, sticks to job description only ?" "Gate 46, sir." " As you were, son." " Thank you, sir." "Which way's the door ?" " Are you blind ?" "Are you blind ?" " Of course not." "Then why do you keep grabbin' my goddamn arm ?" "I take your arm." " I'm sorry." " Don't be sorry." "How would you know, watchin' MTV all your life ?" "Yes !" " Jack Daniels..." " You bet." " and Diet Slice." " The old Diet Slice." " And a water." " Thank you, Daphne." "Certainly, sir." "Ahh !" "Mmm !" "How did you know her name ?" "Well, she's wearin' Floris." "That's an English cologne." "But her voice is California chickie." "Now, California chickie bucking for English lady " "I call her Daphne." "Oh, big things may happen to that little thing of yours." "Look, Colonel," " I'll get you to New York, all right ?" " Uh-huh." "Then I'm gonna have to turn around and come back." "Well, Chuck, you gotta do what you gotta do." "Charlie, all right ?" "Or Charles." "Sorry." "I can't blame you, though." "Chuck is a " "So, why are we going to New York ?" "All information will be given on a need-to-know basis." "Whoo-ah !" "Where's Daphne ?" "Let's get her down here." "She's in the back." "A tail's in the tail." "Hah !" "Oh, but I still smell her." "Women !" "What can you say ?" "Who made 'em ?" "God must have been a fuckin' genius." "The hair " "They say the hair is everything, you know." "Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... and just wanted to go to sleep forever ?" "Or lips -- and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert." "Tits !" "Whoo-ah !" "Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya..." "like secret searchlights." "Mmm." "And legs " "I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways." "What's between 'em, passport to heaven." "I need a drink." "Yes, Mr. Simms, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing:" "pussy." "Hah !" "Are you listening to me, son ?" "I'm givin' you pearls here." "I guess you really like women." "Oh, above all things !" "A very, very distant second... is a Ferrari." "Charlie ?" "Give me your hand." "This is just the start of your education, son." "Whoo-ah !" " Where are we ?" " Where are we, eh ?" "The cynosure of all things civilized:" "the Waldorf-Astoria." "The last time I was here, Charlie, was with a G-2 from Brussels." "Had a Ferrari." "Every day I held the door open for the fucker." "Never even offered me a ride." "Well, fuck him." "He's dead and I'm blind." " Spread the word." " Thank you, sir." " The intelligence will be forthcoming ?" " Sir ?" "On the escort scene." "Um, yes, sir." " And welcome to the Waldorf." " Gracias, amigo." "Puerto Ricans..." "always made the best infantrymen." "Oh !" "I'm home again." "Give me an inventory on this, will you ?" "All right, where am I, in Asia ?" "He told me the phone was on the other side of the room, didn't he ?" "By the windows ?" "It's right here." "Okay." "We're in business." "Get me the Oak Room." "How's that inventory comin' ?" "Uh, there's Jim Beam and Early Times." "Quartermaster's on the take again." "Hello." "Is Sheldon or Mack there ?" "This is Lt. Col. Frank Slade." "I used to be a regular." "I used to come in with a General Garbisch." "Yes, that's probably because he's at Arlington six feet under." "Listen up." "I want a table for two, and I don't mean Siberia, 8:15." "Clear them little bottles off." "And when I get off the phone, call up Hyman." "Tell him I want it wall to wall with John Daniels." "Uh, don't you mean, uh, Jack Daniels ?" "He may be Jack to you, son." "But when you've known him as long as I have " "That's a joke." "Hello !" "This is Lt. Col. Frank Slade." "I would like a limo, 8:00." "What are you drinkin' ?" "Uh, nothing, thanks." "I don't use it." "What's useful about it ?" "I don't know." "Listen, Colonel, I have to get going." "Where you goin' ?" "Back to school." "I've got some real important stuff I have to take care of." "Very well." "But I never let my aides leave on an empty stomach." "You'll dine with me and then my driver will transport you... to the airport for the Boston Shuttle departing at 2200 hours." "Meanwhile, unpack my bag." "I'm gonna christen the latrine." "What's your name, driver ?" " Manny, sir." " Manny." "The bellhops at the Waldorf, are they any good at getting escorts ?" " I wouldn't know, sir." " What would you know ?" " About what ?" " About you-know-what ?" "Maybe I could manage something." "I'm talkin' top of the line, now." "Let me think about this, sir." "What's the matter with you ?" " With me ?" " Yeah." "Car feels heavy." "You know why ?" "You got the fuckin' weight of the world on your shoulders." "I got a little problem at school, that's all." " Spit it out !" " It's not a big deal, all right ?" "Where we going, the Oak Room or somethin' ?" "If it's not a big deal, why did you say "real important stuff" ?" "What are you doin', banging the dean's daughter ?" "Hah !" " I'm just in a little trouble." " What kind of trouble ?" "I saw some guys doing something." "To tell or not to tell, or it's your ass." "Hmm ?" " How'd you know that ?" " I'm a wizard." "Give me the details, come on." "There's this guy at school named Harry." "He's this real rich kid." "He like..." "runs the show." "Who else ?" "There's another guy, George, but George didn't do anything." "George and I saw Harry and his buddies doin' somethin'." "Now, the folks at Baird, they know you and George can identify the guilty parties ?" "Yeah, they think we can." " George is a friend of yours." " He's not a friend, but he's all right." " You trust him ?" " Yeah, I guess so." " He's on scholarship too ?" " No, why ?" "We got George, we got Harry, we got trouble." "They're rich, you're poor." "You wanna get rich." "You wanna graduate Baird, become a rich big shot like them." " Am I right ?" " No." "It's not that way at all." "Okay, Charlie !" "Here we are, gentlemen:" "the Oak Room." "The Oak Room !" "Bring us a menu and double Jack Daniels on the rocks." "Charlie, sit down here." "Uh, perhaps you'll feel more comfortable in this, sir." "You look great !" "Thank you." "Here we are, Charlie:" "the Oak Room." "Now, read me the bill of fare." "Uh, let's see." "You got the Oak Room Burger and fries for $24." "Where's the booze ?" "Flowin' like mud around here." "A $24 hamburger ?" "W-What's the story ?" "What story ?" " Are you a rich miser or something ?" " Hah !" "No, I'm just your average blind man." "Your average blind man." "How do you plan on paying for all this stuff ?" "Crisp, clean dollars..." "American." "I saved up my disability checks." "How much did you save ?" "I mean, we flew first class, we're at the Waldorf-Astoria, a $24 hamburger restaurant." " All part of a plan, Charlie." " You want to let me in on it ?" "Why should I ?" "You're not interested." "You don't give a shit !" "You're leavin' on that last shuttle out of La Guardia." "Hmm ?" "Ooh !" "You got 15 minutes, son." "I don't think you're gonna make it, unless the Oak Room keeps some complimentary helicopter on the roof." "No, sir." "No !" "You're here till tomorrow." "You said the last shuttle leaves at 2200 hours." "That's 10:00, right ?" "Last I heard, yeah." "It's only 8:30." "I lied." "Leaves at 9:00." " It leaves at 9:00 ?" " Calm down." "Calm down." "Ahh !" "The truth is, Charlie," " I need a guide dog to help me execute my plan." " What plan ?" "You have a right to know." "It's not really a plan, Charlie." "It's sort of a -- more like a tour, a little tour of pleasures:" "stay in a first-class hotel, eat an agreeable meal, drink a nice glass of wine, see my big brother." "Nothing like family, you know." "And then, make love to a terrific woman." "After that..." "Yeah ?" "I'm gonna lie down on my big, beautiful bed at the Waldorf... and blow my brains out." " May I tell you our specials ?" " You may, sir." "Tonight we have charred venison with buckwheat spaetzle and green peppercorn." "Grilled veal, tomato tapenade, and roasted eggplants." "Get me a napkin." "My mouth's watering." "If you like our souffle for dessert, it would be good to order it now." "Yes, on the souffle." "Give us a half a minute on the rest." "Very good, sir." " I'm leaning towards the spaetzle." " Colonel Slade " "Charlie, rolls on the table ?" "Give 'em to me." "You should try these rolls." "I used to dream about them when I was at Fort Huachuca." " Colonel Slade " " Bread's no good west of the Colorado." " Water's too alkaline." " Colonel Slade, did you say " "Did I hear you right ?" "Y-You said you're gonna kill yourself ?" "No, I said I was gonna blow my brains out." "Try one of these rolls, Charlie." "I buttered it for ya." "I don't want a roll, all right ?" "Okay." "Have a radish !" "Hah !" "Hello !" "Bring me a double Jack Daniels on the rocks." "Yes, sir." "Right away." "Please, don't do that." "Don't do that." "Hmm." "What a marvelous place !" "Okay." "Yeah." "Your billet is here." "You'll find bedding in the closet on the shelf." "In the morning, the area will be returned to sitting-room mode... no later than 0700 hours." "What was that ?" "Nothing." "Next time..." "snap it out !" "Thumb to palm, index finger through little digit, smartly aligned, sharp to the hairline, down !" "Too many men, far better than you, have executed that courtesy." "And if you're smart, you won't try it again." "This bat has got sharper radar than the Nautilus." "Don't fuck with me, Charlie." "See you get a good night's sleep, son." "It's a lovely day today" "So, whatever you gotta do" "You got a lovely day to do it in that's true" "Good morning, Charlie." " Good morning." " This is Sofia, Charlie." "She's a magician with a needle." "Sofia's workin' me up a little "Glen Plaid" number, and I've asked her if she'd put something together for you." " Uh, I don't need any clothes, Colonel." " Standard issue... for an upscale urban assignment." "You don't like the clothes, Charlie, on completion of duty, you can give 'em away." "Juice, coffee, and other assorted goodies on the trolley over there." "Get yourself up, get yourself together !" "It's a great day for singin' a song" "And it's a great day for movin' along" "And it's a great day from morning to night" "And it's a great day" "For everybody's plight" "How are you feeling today, Colonel ?" "Super !" "Superior !" "Superfluous !" "Young Sofie here is working Thanksgiving... because she's trying to put herself through college." "I told her, "My young friend Charlie's headed for college."" " Uh, excuse me." " Where you goin' ?" " I-l need to use the phone." " What's wrong with the phones in here ?" "I don't want to disturb you." "You're not disturbing me." "Make your call." "I'd kinda like to be private." "Stay outta my room !" "This is as private as you're gonna get." "But if you've got somethin' that must be done" "And it can only be done by one" "Sofia... what are the chances of suiting' you up sometime ?" " Sugarbush Lodge." " George Willis, please." " Hello !" " George !" "Hey, it's Charlie." "Hey, Chas." "Next year you gotta come up with us." "White powder on a base of snow bunnies." "Chas, are you there ?" "Yeah, I'm here." "Um -  you told me to call you for the moves." " All right." "For now, the move's no move: status quo." "Everything's the way we left it." "How did we leave it ?" "See no evil, hear no evil." "You know what I mean, Chas ?" "Yeah." "See no evil, hear no evil." " Okay, then, walk like you talk !" " All right, good-bye." " George Willis, huh ?" " Yeah." "George Willis." "That makes his father probably George Willis, Senior." "Charlie, I ask ya, what do you think Big George is gonna feel about Little George... seeing no evil, hearing no evil ?" "Well, we're not gonna tell our parents." "We're just gonna keep it between ourselves." "Oh, George isn't gonna tell his father about this thing !" "Damn decent of him." "Ooh !" "Aw !" "Hah !" " Scusi." " Prego." "I love it when you hurt me." "Uh, tell me now, Charlie." "This, uh, George Willis, Junior, what's his father do ?" "I don't really know." "Well, I'm gonna tell ya." "When George Willis, Sr., isn't busy as a million-dollar man for Aetna Casualty -- or is it New England Distributor for the Chrysler Corporation ?" "He concerns himself with his young son, George Willis, Junior." "George isn't going to say anything to his father." "Oh, Charlie." "Big George is gonna wind up Little George, and Little George is gonna sing like a canary." "And if you're hip, kid, you're gonna hop to, too." "You've got this all figured out, don't you ?" "It don't take no Young America merit scholarship to figure this one out." "Charlie, you had a little life, so you decided to go to Baird... to put yourself in the market for a big one." "Now, in order to stay in the running, you're gonna have to tell these people what they want to know." "You think so ?" " Are we finished, Sofia ?" " Yes." "Grazie." "Grazie." "Charlie, if you don't sing now, you're gonna end up, not only shelving biscuits... in some convenience store in the Oregon burbs, probably the last word you'll ever hear yourself say just before you croak... gonna be, "Have a nice day and come back soon."" "Sofia !" "Measure up Charlie, pronto." "We got a date for Thanksgiving." "We got a date ?" "My brother's place." "W.R. Slade, White Plains, New York." "Colonel, I can't go with you to your brother's place." "I mean, I should be getting back to school." "Uh, well you gotta have Thanksgiving somewhere." "I mean, eats and treats." "I could use the company." "All right." "D-Does he know I'm comin' ?" "He doesn't know I'm comin'." "But wait till you see the look on his face... when I walk through the door." "Oh, he loves me !" "Oh, uh, Charlie, about your little problem, there are two kinds of people in this world:" "those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover." "Cover's better." "Okay, Sofia, suit 'im up !" "Make him pretty !" "Careful." " Should I ring it ?" " Yeah." "Yes ?" "Yes !" "Who is this ?" " It's Randy." " Randy ?" "You new ?" "I'm your nephew." "Hah !" "Here I am !" "Your sister's been hoarding me long enough." " Thought it's time to spread the riches around." " Uncle Frank !" " Gloria !" " Gail." "Of course." "Say hello to the potluck party from New York City." "Good old Uncle Frank and this here with him is Charlie Simms, star halfback of the Baird football team." "They not only beat Exeter and Groton, but Aquinas High School too." "Where's your miserable father ?" "Wait !" "No, no." "Let's surprise him." "Give that fat heart of his an attack." "Willie !" "Oh, Willie !" "Hello, Frank." " How you doin' ?" " Okay." "Here's my hand." "Charlie, meet W.R. Slade." "Nice to meet you, sir." "The original bulging briefcase man." "Gretchen, I smell those prunes !" "We talkin' Turkey Marbella ?" " Yes, we are." " Whoo !" "Let's have a whiff." "Come on." "You know, I always had a sneaker for you." "Come here." "Mmm." "Hah !" " Where are you, Garry ?" "I heard you cough." " Who are you again ?" "I'm just here at the Waldorf-Astoria with " " Is it your brother ?" "W.R.'s final issue." "How ya doin' ?" " Yes." "Who the hell are you ?" " I'm kinda taking' care of him for the weekend." "Charlie !" "Jesus !" "Sorry." "Where's the booze ?" "Flowin' like mud here." "To tell the truth, the colonel's not well, I don't think." " Not well ?" " I think he's a little lonely." "Why didn't you take him to your family's for dinner ?" "I heard that !" "I heard that." "Pay no attention to him." "That's his big-brother talk." "He's been watching out for me since day one." "Bailed me out of more trouble..." "than he'd like to remember." " Hmm ?" " Let me take your coat." "I meant to pick up some vino on my way, but I blew it." "I'll send you the Rothschild again for Christmas," " only let's see how Thanksgiving goes." " I'll set two more places." " Here's your drink, Frank." " Thank you, Randy." "Still with Snow Queen sugar ?" "Snow Flake." "Why do you always get that wrong ?" "Because it's not important for me to get it right." "What are you doing there ?" "I'm Vice President for Marketing." "Whoo-ah !" "Congratulations !" "Sugar is shit, though." "I told General Abrams to install honey in the commissaries." "If the K-50s didn't blow your brains out, sugar, sure as shit, was gonna." " Why don't we all sit down ?" " Ooh !" "Mitsouki." "Rhymes with nookie." "Be careful." " When the wife gets restless, the wife gets racy." " Let's go and eat." "By all means." "Thank you, Charlie." "Where you wanna sit, Frank, or you gonna arrange yourself at the head again ?" "Any old card table will do." "This is fine." "Where was I ?" "Oh !" "I wake up." "It's four in the morning." "I don't know who I'm with, why I'm there and where I am." "What am I gonna do ?" "I got this Asian flower, all giggly and dewy-like;" "and this hard-boiled navy nurse outta Omaha, on the other." "We're three across the bed, not a stitch of clothes on." "It comes to me." "Let east meet west." "We'll build a golden bridge." "Hah-hah !" "I felt like I'd just joined the corps of engineers !" "We all still here ?" "It's a beautiful story." " Do you always enjoy shocking people, Uncle Frank ?" " Honey." "I didn't know you were so easily shocked." "I admire your sensibilities." "I'm touched." "Dad, remember the time you persuaded Frank..." " to go to the kennel ?" " What about it ?" " He almost put the seeing eye dog business outta business." " Cool it, Randy." " It's over and done with." " Indeed it is, Garry." "Indeed it is." "So is dinner." "Charlie, what time do you have ?" "I think we better be gettin' back." " You ever given any thought to a braille watch, Frank ?" " Randy." " Stevie Wonder wears one, or do you rank on him too ?" " Honey, please." "It's all right, Gloria." "I enjoy Randy's observations." "My wife's name is Gail, Frank." "Can you hear that ?" "Gail." "Excuse me." "Gail." "Gail strikes me as a very beautiful woman, but there's a little tension in her voice." "It could be one of two things:" "either Gail is nervous or unsatisfied." "What's your point, Uncle Frank ?" "You oughta go down on her." "Cut it out, Frank, will ya ?" "You're so wrapped up in sugar, you've forgotten the taste of real honey !" "Frank, for God's sake !" "Hear that voice ?" "There's fire under that dress." " Will you cut it out ?" " Just get the fuck outta here." " Whoo-ah !" " Get in your limousine." "Go down to the bowery, get with the other fucking drunks where you belong !" " Wait a minute." " What ?" " Could you take it easy ?" " What for ?" "You want me to lay off him, Chuckie, 'cause he's blind ?" " No, but I mean " " My friend's name is Charles." "He doesn't like to be called Chuckie." " This is supposed to be a family get-together." "This is " " A warning." "Jesus Christ." "Another sucker who thinks this shitheel's a war hero." "Whoo-ah." "Well, once... maybe." "I suppose he told you about his days on Lyndon Johnson's staff ?" "I was gonna go." "Now I'm not leaving." " Frank was earmarked for general." " Earmarked, good word." " But Frank likes to spit in everybody's eye !" " Randy, that's enough." "So " " What do they call it when they give you the shaft in the military ?" " Passed over !" " Frank was passed over for promotion." "Couple times." " You want to know what happened then ?" " Will you shut your mouth ?" " He blew himself up." " Stop it, Randy." "Our colonel, here, had a grenade juggling act at Fort Bragg or wherever." " Fort Benning." " He was teaching hand-to-hand combat " "Randy, look at me when you're talking to me, son." "I'm lookin', Frank." "His partner in the act was some captain." " Major Vincent Squires." " Yeah, whoever he was." "Before going on, they'd have themselves a lo-cal breakfast:" "a Screwdriver for Frank, Bloody Mary for his partner." "No, Vincent drank Sea Breezes." "Judge Advocate at Benning said Col. Slade had four to his partner's one." "He's flying in class." "He gets all excited." "He starts pulling the pins out." "One grenade got away from him." "Boom." "The one that got away." "Oh, the pin was in..." "Frank claims." "In or out, what difference does it make ?" "What kind of fucking lunatic juggles grenades ?" "Vinnie came out okay." "And all Frank lost was his eyesight." " Wanna know the truth ?" " You got a handle on that, do you, Randy ?" " He was an asshole before." " Whoo-ah !" "Now all he is is a blind asshole." "Whoo-ah." "Hey, God's a funny guy." "God doth have a sense of humor." "Maybe God thinks some people don't deserve to see." "Whoo-ah." "Hah !" "You get the point..." "Chuckie ?" " Aah !" " His name is Charles." "You can say that, can't you ?" "Charles." "Know what this is, Randy ?" "It's a choke hold I'm teaching those lieutenants." " Little pressure, I bust your windpipe." " I don't care what he said." " Charles." " Just let go, please !" "Gretchen ?" "You outdid yourself." "If you twist my arm hard enough, we're talking Turkey Marbella next year." "Who knows ?" "Frank ?" "Good-bye, Willie." "I'm no fucking good... and I never have been." "Come on, Charlie, get the coats." "Come on." "Watch your step." "Hold it." "Nueva York, compadre." "Vamos !" "You got a watch ?" "Ah, it's 7:20." "I didn't ask you the time." "I asked if you had a watch." "Yeah, in the other room." "Get it." "Colonel, there's a clock right next to your bed." "Does it have a second hand ?" "Yeah." "Time me !" "How long ?" "Um... about 30 seconds." " I'm rusty." " Where did you get a gun, Colonel ?" "Piece or weapon, Charlie, never a gun." "Where did you get the piece ?" "I'm an officer in the United States Army." "This is my sidearm." " But you're not an officer anymore." " So I'm retired, so what ?" "An officer never relinquishes his 45." "Yeah, but you better relinquish it to me or I'm gonna call Mrs. Rossi." "Good idea." "Then I'm going back to school." "Even better." "Blue skies, green lights." "I hope you have a wonderful trip." "That felt like 25." "You oughta be able to do a 45 in 25." "Did you time me ?" "No, I did not and I'm calling Albany." "That was stupid." "Was it ?" "You're stuck with me, Charlie." "No, I'm not." " I'm outta here !" " Where you goin' ?" "New Hampshire ?" "You got no money." "How you gonna do that ?" "Mmm." "Karen's number tastes like Albany." "Hah !" "Fine." " I'm leaving." " Charlie ?" "Charlie !" "All I want from you..." "is another day." "For what ?" "One last tour of the battlefield." "I can get around a city like New York, but I... sometimes need a point in the right direction." "What do you say, Charlie ?" "What's one day..." "between friends ?" "All right." "Well, say I stay for another day." "Will you give me your weapon ?" "Oh, Charlie !" "I'm a lieutenant colonel, United States Army." "I'm not giving my fucking gun to anyone." " Now, what are you drinkin' ?" " Colonel, this -- this is unacceptable." "Unacceptable ?" "What are you givin' me that prep school crap for ?" "What have they done, taken the Oregon out of the boy ?" "Put in Harvard Business School ?" "Then give me your bullets." "You do see the sense of it, Charlie, don't you ?" "I can't chew the leather anymore." "So, why should I share... the tribe's provisions ?" "I mean, there's no one... wants to tear a herring with me anymore." "The bullets, Colonel." ""The bullets, Colonel."" "You sound like a guy in "Lives of a Bengal Lancer."" "What do you give a shit for ?" "About what ?" "About what ?" "About whether I blow my brains out or not." " Because I have a conscience, you know." " You have a conscience." "I forgot." "The Charlie Conscience." "Do we tell ?" "Do we not tell ?" "Do we follow the rich boy's code or not ?" "Do we let this blind asshole... die... or not ?" "Yeah." "Conscience, Charlie." "When were you born, son ?" "Around the time of the Round Table ?" "Hah." "Haven't you heard ?" "Conscience is dead." "No, I haven't heard." "Well, then, take the fucking wax outta your ears !" "Grow up !" "It's fuck your buddy." "Cheat on your wife." "Call your mother on Mother's Day." "Charlie, it's all shit." "Where you goin' ?" "I got piss call." "I know I said I need ya for just one day, but even I can't hold it that long." "Oh, and, Charlie, you forgot the one in the chamber." "Hah !" "There you go, sir." "Thank you." "Twenty-six years in the service, never let an aide shine my shoes." "Where you gonna be in 26 years, Charlie ?" "Playing golf with your friends from the Baird School, I bet." "I don't even like those guys." "Course you don't." "They're all assholes." "Be a pleasure to squeal on 'em, wouldn't it ?" " Yeah, well, I'm not a squealer." " "l'm not a squealer."" "What is this, the Dreyfus case ?" "Ohh !" "Ooh, Mama !" "There you go." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Watch your step." "I'm gettin' that heavy feeling' again, Charlie." "There's more to this, isn't there ?" "Isn't there ?" " I was offered a bribe." " Oh, now we're cookin'." "Mr. Trask, the headmaster, he promised to get me into Harvard." " If you squeal." " Yeah." "What a dilemma." "Should Charlie Simms accept a free ride into Harvard or not ?" "What do you think your friend George would do if he were in your shoes ?" " He is, practically." " How ?" "I mean, it's just that Mr. Trask hasn't promised to get him into Harvard." "Mr. Trask doesn't have to." "George's father's gonna take care of that." "Do the deal, Charlie." "Take it !" "Go to Harvard." " I can't do that." " Why not ?" "It's just some things you just can't do." "Explain 'em to me." " Louder, please." " I, I, I can't " "You're gonna have a tough time in this world, Charlie." "To ease the blow, let me buy you a drink." "Come on."