"Martin." "Martin!" "Martin!" "What?" "!" "What the hell are you doing in there?" "What do you think I'm doing?" "Are you screwing around with that damn computer again?" "I'm trying to fix the light!" "Martin!" "Great!" "What was that?" "Nothing, darling." "Just finishing up some work." "Well, hurry up, 'cause the garbage goes out tonight... and the kids are hungry." "Yes, dear." "And that toilet that you fixed won't flush again." "Yes, darling." "Life getting you down?" "Why don't you just share?" "!" "Need a change of pace?" "What the hell is this, now?" "Try Future Trade-- we trade futures." "Jerks." "Everybody's trying to sell something." "Martin, I need you out here right now!" "Martin!" "I'm coming!" "Isn't it time you tried Future Trade?" "That is enough!" "I've had it!" "Martin Donnor doesn't realize it yet... but he's just been offered the deal of a lifetime." "All he has to do is walk through a door... and into... the Twilight Zone." "You're traveling to another dimension." "A dimension not only of sight and sound... but of mind." "A journey into a wondrous land... whose boundaries are only that of the imagination." "You're entering..." "Donnor." "Yeah." "What time is it?" "Uh, it's 8:00, sir." "It's 3 minutes after." "Hey, do you think I got to where I am today... by showing up at 3 minutes after 8:00?" "Sorry, Skip." "I had car problems." "I don't give a rat's ass about your car, Donnor." "Your hours of work are 8:00 to 5:00." "Not 3 minutes after." "Not 2 minutes after." "OK." "8:00...to 5:00." "Right." "You understand?" "Yes." "Thanks." "How you doing today?" "I'm fine, thanks." "Just give us a try at Future Trade." "You'll be so glad you contacted Future Trade." "Welcome to Future Trade..." "where your dreams come true." "You'll be so glad you contacted Future Trade." "Thank you for calling Future Trade." "Through with that, sir?" "Thank you." "May I help you?" "Yeah." "I think I received one of your internet ads... on my computer." "Fill these out." "Have a seat." "Someone will be right with you." "Thanks." "Future Trade." "May I help you?" "Yes." "You heard about our introductory offer?" "Look, the only reason I'm here is that your ads... keep popping up on my computer screen." "Home or the office?" "Uh, both." "Market research." "Advertising ploy is more like it." "We don't need advertising ploys, Mr. Donnor." "Our product sells itself." "All we do is target... a very specific, discerning consumer... who fits our client profile." "Look, let's not waste each other's time... right out of the gate." "You seem like a smart man." "You middle management?" "Uh, sales, actually." "What is that, 30 grand a year and 3 weeks off?" "27.5 and 2 weeks off, not consecutive." "So you're a man who deserves better... a lot better." "So you weren't born into the right zip code." "So no one handed it to you on a silver platter." "Few of us can be Kennedys, Mr. Donnor." "For the rest of us, there's Future Trade." "I don't understand." "Futures." "We trade futures." "What, like the stock market?" "No." "People's futures." "Mr. Gordon, I happen to be a salesman myself, OK?" "I'm pretty good at it." "And I've used 'em all, seen it all before." "Just give me the fine print, OK?" "That is the fine print." "That's what we do." "We trade people's futures." "Let me explain." "Mr. Jones comes to us with a problem." "He's unhappy with his lot in life... and he prefers, let's say, Mr. Smith's life." "So we contact Mr. Smith." "We lay out a prospectus." "And if Mr. Smith likes Mr. Jones' life... then we simply broker the transaction." "What transaction?" "Oh, Mr. Smith's future becomes Mr. Jones'... and Mr. Jones' future becomes Mr. Smith's." "Ta-da." "And that's it?" "That's it." "Of course, we do charge a small commission." "Aha!" "Simply for handling the deal." "I assure you it's an equitable fee... for what we provide." "Have I piqued your interest yet?" "You want a different life, don't you?" "Who wouldn't in my position?" "My job sucks." "My wife hates me." "Kids don't even know I'm alive." "I understand." "I mean, I could've been somebody." "You still can be." "Come on." "What if I wanted to be 6'5" and built like a linebacker?" "Unfortunately, that's not how it works." "To yourself, you'll look exactly the same." "To everyone else, however, you'll be a new man." "Just think of it like this, Martin." "You're stepping into another man's shoes." "His life becomes yours." "Your life becomes his." "What other man?" "Well, we keep files on people... ordinary people like yourself, looking for a change." "Can I see these files?" "No." "They're private and confidential." "I'm sorry." "Well, how am I supposed to choose?" "Well, that's what the questionnaire is for." "Think of it like a dating service." "You tell us what you want, and we provide a match." "Can I be rich?" "Very, very rich?" "Oh, yeah." "Can I live in a big house?" "Sure." "Can I have a gorgeous wife, a 10... one who can cook and clean?" "What if it's not a good match?" "Hey, as long as you call and cancel within 24 hours... there's no penalty." "Then what?" "Well, after that we ask for a two-year commitment... or we charge a hefty cancellation fee." "Oh." "Another fee." "I knew it." "Only if you cancel." "Hey, would you please activate Mr. Donnor's file?" "Thank you." "Yes, sir." "Any other hidden fees I should know about?" "Anything else?" "Uh, no." "Not that I can think of." "Nothing?" "Um...nope." "This is your prospectus... the confidentiality agreement... any other pertinent information you may need." "Oh, and, uh...these." "Keys?" "What for?" "House, car...boat." "Boat?" "Mm-hmm." "What do you say, huh?" "Salesman to salesman?" "You want to trade your future, Mr. Donnor?" "B-b-boat?" "Welcome aboard the good ship Future Trade, Mr. Donnor." "Hope you enjoy the ride." "§§ Hey, Tinseltown, I'm back in town §§" "§§ I'm gonna do my thing §§" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Whoo!" "Ha ha ha!" "Oh, yes." "§§ I'm feeling strong, I can't go wrong §§" "§§ Tonight the joker's wild §§" "§§ Poker, Gin, or 21 §§" "§§ I'm playin' on this town, yeah §§" "§§ Deal me in, baby §§" "§§ You got to deal me in §§" "Sweet child of mine." "Honey?" "I'm home." "Jack be nimble, Jack be quick... when's Jack gonna let me jump on that candlestick?" "Oh, my." "You're stunning." "You're beyond stunning." "Are you feeling OK, honey?" "Hmm?" "Thank you, Future Trade." "Mmm, mmm, mmm." "Why don't you two just get a room?" "That may be a good idea." "Mmm...mmm." "Wow." "How was it?" "Uh...what?" "Your swim." "Oh." "Amazing." "Yes?" "Really?" "Yeah, I always wanted a swimming pool growing up." "I thought you had one." "I did." "Uh..." "I just forgot how much I loved swimming in it." "Oh, yeah?" "Where's this newfound energy coming from all of sudden?" "I don't know." "I feel like a new man." "Yes, you are." "Well, your timing is perfect... because I just finished cooking you" "Whoa, whoa, wait." "You actually cooked this?" "Your favorite meal." "Papaya salad... grilled Chilean sea bass, penne arrabbiata." "That is my favorite meal." "Well, to new things to come." "I'm all for it." "Whoo!" "Sir?" "Sir?" "The board's waiting." "They've been here since 8:00, sir." "The board?" "Right. 8:00 A.M." "Not 3 minutes after, not 2 minutes after." "Get me a vanilla latte with chocolate sprinkles on top... and tell them I'll be in there shortly." "Judging by our quarterly revenue projections... we're looking at a 15% increase across the board." "Increase." "Sounds good." "It's better than good, sir." "The trustees have just approved... a 3-for-1 stock split next month... meaning your executive bonus package will be... well over 7 figures this year." "Oh, and did I mention the S.E.C. just approved... your 300% salary increase?" "Look, I'm a salesman." "I know every trick in the book... and I know that this deal is too good to be true." "There's got to be some kind of a catch." "Most of our clients have a hard time... believing their good fortune." "I mean, what would possibly possess a guy... to give up such a perfect life?" "Maybe he had enough." "Enough of what?" "The money?" "The-the-the house?" "The gourmet food?" "Francesca?" "Come on!" "Our client's information is private, just as yours is." "What do you mean, mine?" "Look, the man who stepped into your shoes... doesn't know any more about you... than you know about him." "That's right." "Somebody's living my life right now." "With Carroll." "If you're having buyer's remorse, Martin... you can always cancel the trade... as long as it's within the first 24 hours... which would make your introductory offer... expire at...8:00 tonight." "Sharp." "OK, you're giving me a headache." "Keep it down!" "No!" "Stop!" "OK, that's enough!" "Honey, is that you?" "I'm in here!" "That hurts!" "No, it's mine!" "Settle down, you guys." "Hi, honey." "Hi." "How was your day?" "Oh, it was great." "OK, sit down." "That's enough." "No more of the gun." "Sit down." "Why don't you color with your brother, OK?" "Honey, no." "Give me that." "Thank you." "C'est la vie." "No!" "OK, stop it!" "That's it!" "See you in a few years, dear." "Then again, maybe I won't." "Francesca?" "Honey?" "Where are you?" "Well...hi, darling." "You're home early." "Am I?" "Mm-hmm." "And you left late this morning." "Well, maybe I'm working a little too hard." "Maybe I need to take it a little bit easier." "Are you feeling all right?" "Who's the guy in the S.U.V.?" "What guy?" "The good-looking one." "The one that nearly became a hood ornament?" "Oh." "That's Eduardo." "You weren't supposed to see him." "Obviously." "Don't tell me you're jealous?" "So, who is this guy?" "He is nobody." "Just a delivery guy." "A delivery guy who likes to drink wine." "Oh, darn it." "It was supposed to be a surprise." "Well..." "I'm surprised." "And a little jealous?" "OK." "A little jealous." "We were celebrating." "Really." "Celebrating what?" "Celebrating the end of my search." "You have no idea how long I've been looking... for this for you." "Well, are you going to open it?" "18th Century." "Bolivia." "Because you love traveling to South America so much." "I had a collector track it down for you." "Wow...what can I say?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Expecting someone?" "Hmm?" "No." "Feeling all right?" "I feel great." "Things are gonna be a lot different... around here from now on." "I can feel it." "It's like I've woken up from this deep slumber and... realized all the things that I've been missing." "From now on..." "I am going to live the life... that I deserve." "And I'm going to have all the things... that have been denied me so long." "Really." "I've never known you to deny yourself of anything." "Cars, houses...women." "Women?" "What are you talking about?" "You're the only woman I need." "You've always had a wicked sense of humor... haven't you?" "Hmm?" "I suddenly feel very dizzy." "Oh, that's OK." "That's the curare." "What?" "Don't you remember?" "You're the first one who told me about it." "It's a powerful muscle relaxer." "See, you said the Indians use it to hunt." "They put some on the tip of the arrows." "See, what I didn't know is that... by mixing it with alcohol-- brandy, let's say-- it doesn't leave any trace." "Fascinating, isn't it?" "Future Trade..." "I gotta..." "I gotta exercise my option." "I thought you had figured it out a dozen times." "You've been acting so funny lately." "Then this afternoon, coming home early... running into Eduardo." "I thought you were smarter than that." "Sorry, love." "This is one deal you can't talk yourself out of." "Next time somebody offers you a deal too good to be true... make sure you read the fine print." "Especially when that deal is brokered... in the Twilight Zone."