"I have corrected your geometry homework from last night." "For anyone who did not get the extra credit question..." "Peggy Hill was the Substitute Teacher of the Year in 1996." "I got number four wrong." "Explain it, please." "Okay." """True or false?" """A circle of diameter 3..." """has a larger area than a square of side 3.""" "And the answer, of course, is..." """False! """ "Why?" "Well, just look at it." "It's got the areas and your diameters." "You can't show your work." "She stinks." "Of course I can." "But if I have to waste all my time explaining number four to you..." "I will not have time to explain number five." """True.""" "[children chattering]" "(Hank) You know, if we're gonna follow the Cowboys around when we retire... we'll be going to your Green Bays and your Minnesotas... so an RV with a heated steering wheel just makes sense." "Of course, that means we'll need the luxury cruiser... which is $5,000 more than the deluxe cruiser." "So, how much extra per month do we need to put away?" "And just what is that supposed to mean?" "You think I can't do basic math?" "Is that why you've always handled the retirement account?" "That's crazy." "You know I just enjoy going to the bank." "Well, I am going from now on." "Compreide?" "Oh, Hank, I'm sorry." "The truth is, something else is upsetting me." "Oh, well, okay." "You feel better?" "No!" "Hank, my entire life, I have always had all the answers." "And today I didn't, and I'm scared." "What if I'm really not as smart as I think I am?" "[crying]" "Come on, Peggy." "You've got an iq of 170." "You've said so lots of times." "Yes, but there could be a margin of error... especially when it's just my own estimate." "Hank, I have never taken an iq test in my life." "Oh, God!" "What if I'm average?" "Do you have any idea how dumb average is?" "[grunting]" """The only intelligence-testing site..." """endorsed by the intelligence Institute of Texas.""" "Even I sound smart reading that." "Okay, Bobby, this needs to be official." "Ready?" "And go!" "[chiming]" "Done!" "Oh, yeah!" "Bobby, you got a People and a Teei People," "Peggy, you got a letter from the ""lntelligence Institute of--""" """Dear genius, based on your high intelligence score..." """we extend an invitation to join an elite group." """The 150 smartest people in Texas." """Copies of the handsome official registry of members..." """featuring your name, Peggy Hill..." """may be purchased for only $39.99, a $59.99 value! """ "Can we buy one?" "The registry will be presented to me at a ceremonial dinner... at the Hotel Arlen." "No guests, of course, unless they're also certified geniuses." "Well, that's okay." "You go ahead and have fun." "I'll just stay home and watch the ballgame... unless you want me to take that test." "Oh, Hank." "My Nancy's a genius, too... a genius at having a great can!" "Yeah." "Peggy's pretty excited about... getting her name in this book that the Institute puts out." "Institute?" "Yeah." "The lntelligence Institute." "They recommend that we buy 20 books... but I'm hoping Peggy will be satisfied with eight." "Twenty books, eh?" "So, they administer the test, and they sell the books." "Sounds like she is getting ripped off by them." "Now, wait a second." "You're getting scammed." "I should know." "I lost a bundle to that gypsy modeling school." "Oh, Peggy." "I'm just saying, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is." "The books are almost $40 each." "That is not a very good deal." "You know those pads of eight-by-ten scratch paper Dale gave us?" "The ones with the picture of him holding a tennis racket?" "Well, it turns out those were part of a scam." "Maybe you should go talk to him before going to this dinner." "Honey, it is sweet of you to be worried, but I do not need your help." "Oh, I wish my lenses were thicker." "Hello." "My name is Dr. Robert Vayzosa." "I'm the provost of the intelligence Institute." "It's such a pleasure and an honor, and a little intimidating, I must say... to be standing here before you." "My gosh." "But before we begin the presentation of the books... [exclaiming] [all gasping]" "I'd like to talk about an exciting way... for you to take your brainpower and your lives to the max." "To the max?" "You're all familiar with the benefits of a PhD degree." "The clock at the bank once said, 1 10 degrees!" "But what if you could get that same prestigious degree at home... through a series of super-concentrated, for-geniuses-only courses?" "Now, I know what you're thinking." "There's gotta be a catch." "Well, there is." "What?" "What?" "You've got to be a genius." "[people laughing]" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "I've always wanted a PhD, but $999?" "It just seems like a lot of money." "If I had a PhD, I'd stop being a sports announcer... and start calling chess games and such." "I would quit my job as a housekeeper at EconoSuites." "I'm Jimmy." "I work at the car race where the cars race." "If I was Dr. Jimmy, no one would call me stupid." """Dr. Jimmy"" does have a ring to it." "Hey!" "I thought of it first!" "Well, I know" "Give it back!" "Give it back to me!" "Excuse me, geniuses." "I hope you won't mind if I borrow Mrs. Hill?" "[sighing]" "Dr. Vayzosa, I must admit I am a little surprised... to see Jimmy Wichert here." "I'm quite familiar with the man and his work." "And l" "Peggy, Peggy, if you dropped a box of toothpicks in front of him... you'd understand why we at the Institute... expect great, great things from Jimmy Wichert." "However, they're nothing compared to what we expect from you." "Peggy, I think you could be my greatest student." "I feel the same way." "But I don't have $999." "Well, let's think about that." "Do you have an lRA, savings account?" "A car?" "Do you have a car?" "Well, my husband and I have been saving for our retirement." "Well, Peggy, with a PhD in hand... your earning power is gonna skyrocket." "[exclaiming]" "I don't have to tell a genius what a doctor earns." "Peggy, are you worth investing in?" "Who should I make it out to?" "Cash is fine." "(mai) Welcome to America 's most prestigious box degree program," "Let's begii our leariiig adveiture, Please opel workbook lumber ole," "Shapes, Circle the word oi the right that correspoids," "This coicludes workbook lumber 40 aid your PhD coursework," "Coigratulatiois oi your achievemeit, Doctor," "What a night." "[Ceremonial graduation music playing]" "Say good morning to Dr. Peggy Hill!" "And how about some eggs, Doctor?" "Bobby, don't make fun of your mother." "Hank, let me bring you up to speed." "I have a PhD now." "The lntelligence Institute sold me everything I needed." "They sold you a PhD?" "For how much?" "$999." "What?" "Where the heck did you get that kind of money?" "From our retirement account." "That was supposed to be our reward for all the years of responsibility!" "How could you do this, Peggy?" "Wait." "Are you mad because I didn't do this sooner?" "No, I'm mad because I didn't put my foot down... the moment I knew you were in over your head... with a bunch of con artists!" "Oh, I see." "Okay, so the only people who think I am smart enough to earn a doctorate... must be con artists, is that it?" "I'm not convinced they think you're all that smart, Peggy." "They could have rigged that test so anyone would look like a genius." "Anyone, Hank?" "I'm a genius!" "Okay, that's it." "I'm gonna leave you two geniuses right here while I clean up your mess." "Hank, I do not need you to clean up my messes." "And this is not a mess!" "And I'll clean it up!" "It's over, Peggy." "Let me put this in words even a genius can understand." "You are not a genius." "Look, what I mean is...." "Okay, you've got what they call book smarts." "Now, if we wanted to write a story about you losing our money... well, hands down, you're the one for the job." "But if we want to do something that needs street smarts..." "like getting our money back from the jerk who stole it, then I'm the guy." "I can take care of it, Hank." "Luckily, I have enough faith in me for the both of us." "Hank?" "I came for my money back." "No, no." "Listen, I said you'd lose up to 30 pounds." "Up to." "[gasping]" "You said I was a genius!" "No, no." "Okay." "Didn't you read the fine print on your diploma?" "It clearly states, ""No refunds.""" "Nada refuido, Okay?" "No refunds." "Unfortunately, I called you here to give you some bad news." "Dr. Robert Vayzosa is a con artist." "The PhDs he sold us aren't even worth the paper we printed them on!" "No!" "What?" "Impossible!" "I've already received several graduation gifts." "A hat, a toaster, and a hat." "Well, it turns out those intelligence tests tested nothing but our gullibility." "But we took the test!" "Yes, I did." "I took it, too." "People, let me see if I can explain it another way." "Things are not always as they appear to be." "This looks like I pulled my thumb off." "Oh!" "She pulled her thumb off!" "Call a doctor!" "I'm a doctor." "No...." "Vayzosa lied to us to get our money." "Oh, my God!" "We were scammed!" "He took us for saps." "What do we do now?" "Well, we get our money back by conning the con man." "And here is how it's gonna go down." "(Peggy) Vayzosa already kiows that Jimmy works at the race track," "What he does lot kiow is that the mob fixes the drag races, aid Jimmy always kiows who's goiig to wii," "Wait a secoid!" "There all 't io fixed races!" "(Peggy) I said it was a col, Jimmy," "I tell Vayzosa there is ai illegal bettiig parlor at the EcoioSuites, where all of Arlei 's high rollers bet oi the races," "[cell phone ringing]" "Jimmy calls me from the track, aid gives me the wiiiers ii advaice," "I place my bet, Tug aiiouices the results, aid I wil," "We will coiviice Vayzosa he has a sure thiig by lettiig him wil two races," "We're goiia give him more of our moiey?" "Just aiother $1,000 apiece, to gall his trust," "Thei his iatural greed will take over aid he will place a huge bet, aid we will fix the last race so he loses it all!" "Who's ready?" "We're gonna con him!" "Con him good!" "(all) Yeah!" "Wow!" "You got a big foot there!" "Please, I need that money." "All right, all right." "Here." "Help yourself to a bottle of herbal bust enhancer and we'll call it even." "I shouldn't tell you this, but I have got the opportunity of a lifetime." "You lend me the money, I will cut you in." "Time to bait the hook." "$1,000 apiece, please." "Vayzosa's already taken us for $8,000." "If I lose this, I'll have to be buried at sea." "You have my word they will put you in the ground." "And that goes for all of you!" "[cell phone ringing]" "Dr. Vayzosa just checked in." "Room 27." "It's on." "[knocking on door]" "(Tug) Aid ii the third race, it's Romai, El Tigre, Black Sky!" "Oh, darn, darn!" "[cell phone ringing]" "Jimmy?" """I'm at the race track." "I know who wins." """Scott Yancy! """ "Got it." "Scott Yancy." "Welcome to the gambling parlor." "Your bet, sir?" "Yeah, $2,000 on Scott Yancy at 2-to-1." "$2,000?" "It's almost like you have a hot tip." "(Tug) Aid ii the fourth race," "Scott Yaicy is off the liie fast, aid Yaicy wiis!" "$4,000." "Is it lucky in here, or is it just you?" "Pretty good." "Pretty good." "But, like my ex-wife used to say, ""Anybody can do it once.""" "[cell phone ringing]" "Jay-vee-air Martii-Z," "Javier Martinez it is." "Well, why not make this interesting?" "I'm gonna bet $6,000 at 2-to-1." "And it's Javier Martinez... the Wacko from Waco all the way!" "Enough with this small change." "I want to clean these Okies out." "No." "No, I don't want to remove Mrs. Hill from the account." "I'd just like to change the pin number to my birthday." "Yes, I'll hold." "I'm sorry you had to hear that, Bobby." "Your mother's a good woman." "She's just not a good woman with money." "Yeah." "I just hope she doesn't lose that second $1,000." "What?" "I'm sure she won't." "It's just that running a fake gambling parlor... out of the EconoSuites is not as easy as it sounds." "You've got races to stage, odds to rig... a lot of money to keep track of." "But if anyone can do it, it's Mom." "Oh, God!" "(woman) It's good there's plenty more where that came from." "R.J. Dobbs." "That pays 4-to-1." "Well, how much should I bet?" "$10,000?" "Should I bet $15,000?" "Looks like they're ready to go!" "Well, you came with $8,000 and you've doubled it." "Why not bet all $16,000?" "Last call for bets, sir." "Well, I could bet it all and win $64,000." "Yeah." "On the other hand..." "I could just take my money and walk out of here." "But you're going to win!" "I promise!" "Yeah, but I don't know, somehow it just seems greedy." "It just seems greedy." "Goodbye, Peggy." "Thank you so much." "Thanks for all of this money." "[laughing]" "(Tug) Aid R,J, Dobbs loses!" "(both) Huh?" "And?" "He didn't place the bet." "What are we gonna do, Peggy?" "He took all our money." "Peggy!" "Bobby told me everything!" "Oh, Hank." "I don't know how he did it... but Vayzosa saw right through our scam!" "All the money is gone!" "I should have listened to you, but I didn't." "While you were talking, I was humming a song inside my head... just waiting for you to stop!" "I've ruined the rest of our lives!" "And Vayzosa's up in Room 27, laughing at us!" "No, he's laughing at you." "He doesn't know I'm coming." "[banging on door]" "Open up, Vayzosa!" "This is Hank Hill!" "I want my wife's money back!" "I'm not messing around here!" "Now you open this door right now!" "[banging on door]" "You hear me?" "I'm not fooling!" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, is it your first time in a hotel room?" "Go ahead." "Take the Bible." "It's got to be here somewhere." "[sighing]" "Nothing." "You don't want to do this the easy way, fine, I'll just call the cops." "And tell them what?" "That your wife was running a fraudulent betting parlor?" "That's right, Mr. Hill." "Ain't nothing you can do." "Look, you married a fool." "Now, unless you're interested in losing up to 30 pounds...." "No!" "[ringing]" "My room safe is gone!" "This is EconoSuites." "We don't have room safes." "What?" "Oh!" "Thanks, Boomhauer." "I knew I could count on you not to talk." "Yo, man." "[panting]" "No!" "No!" "Oh, yeah!" "Give me them bad boys!" "Well, I gotta hand it to you." "You made me look like a jackass... but you got everyone's money back." "Mom, I know a magician's not supposed to reveal his" "Here's how I did it." "I knew Vayzosa was too smart for a straight-up con." "But that over-confidence would prove to be his fatal flaw." "I ran an obvious bad con... to distract him from my secret brilliant con." "But there was one thing I was missing." "A bellowing dupe whose incessant need to rescue his helpless wife... would drive Vayzosa to stash all his money in his room safe." "Luckily, I had you, Hank, thanks to you, Bobby." "Okay, okay, so I doubted you, like you thought I would." "What if I didn't?" "What if I'd believed in you?" "Then where would we be, huh?" "I covered that base, too." "Vayzosa valet-parked his car." "So?" "The EconoSuites doesn't have valet parking." "[laughing]" "You were gonna steal his car." "That would have been a felony." "But that other stuff, that's genius." "Yep." "There is one thing Vayzosa never counted on." "Dr. Peggy Hill!" "(Jimmy) Oh!" "She pulled her thumb off!" "Call a doctor!"