"I still don't know why we couldn't just derail that bloody munitions train." "Well, just derailing it might not have enough impact for us to set off the stuff it's carrying." "Always ask an expert." "Yeah, if he's so flipping clever, how come he's in the war along with the rest of us?" "Well, everybody else was going in, so I said to myself, "Andrew, you ought to get in..."" "Carter." "Huh?" "Forget it." "I'm sorry I asked." "Five minutes." "We should be hearing it anytime now." "We're ready." "Well, let's go." "Hey, when the train blows up, we can call the Krauts and report an emergency." "They'd love that." "Choke on their sauerbraten for sure." "( laughing )" "LeBEAU:" "Come on, hurry, hurry." "CARTER:" "I'm doing the best I can." "NEWKIRK:" "Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of." "Boy, this is really going to be a blowup." "Boy, it's going to go boom... ( making explosion noises )" "LeBEAU:" "Somebody coming." "Hey, it's that girl, Eva." "The sweetheart of the Underground." "Hello, luv." "Wie gehts?" "What's happening?" "The train is not coming tonight." "What?" "!" "Oh, charming." "Oh, no, that's terrible." "My father received a radio message from his contact in Dusseldorf." "The train is still in the yard." "We've got three charges on that track." "They're all wired up." "They can't do this to us." "When will it move?" "Couple of days, a week?" "Thank you, Eva." "You better leave now." "It's a little bit dangerous around here." "Ja." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Good-bye." "Oh, I-I will try to give you a few days advance notice." "Thank you." "What do we do now, disconnect everything?" "No, it took too much trouble putting it all in place." "We've got to hide it." "Where?" "Dig the wire in along the tracks." "What about this?" "Well, we passed that emergency phone back there." "Carter, do you think you could wire the terminals into it?" "I don't know." "I guess so." "'Course he can." "He can do anything." "He's an expert." "Thank you." "Well, this is as good a place as any to hide out, I guess." "Come on." "Let's go." "Boy, looks like that old choo-choo isn't going to go boom-boom after all." "Carter, must you say things like that in wartime?" "I still don't get it." "Why run the wires into a telephone?" "We had no choice, mon colonel." "It was either that or take the charges off the track." "Oh, great, and the first Kraut that comes along that wants to use the phone picks up the receiver, makes the connection and blows up 200 yards of railroad." "Well, it is an emergency phone." "You can say that again." "Well, let's just hope nobody tries to use that telephone." "Oui." "And when you get a radio signal that a train is moving, we'll go out of camp again and blow it up." "Just like that, out of camp again." "You guys act like there's a revolving door on that tunnel." "Well, how else can we do it?" "Well, we've done the hard part." "Get the underground to take over the job." "Forget it, Colonel." "Kinch just got this from the underground in Dusseldorf, relayed through London." "Oh, great." "This is shaping up into a great little mess." "The Gestapo is arresting suspects in Dusseldorf." "Underground ordered to stop all activity." "What about a munitions train?" "They'll try and radio us the schedule." "I suppose this means we've got to go out again." "Not necessarily." "You could always stay here and use a long fuse." "Right." "Put your own name there, and your partner's underneath it." "All right." "Thank you." "Good luck to you, son." "Come on." "Next." "Move along." "Name?" "What's going on here?" "Schultz, you in a jitterbug contest?" "Who said that I..." "It's impossible." "We'd never get you off the ground." "You're a jolly joker." "Hey, unless you want to go into training for it." "You know, get off some of the old lard, eh?" "Who gave you permission to use the recreation hall?" "You did." "When?" "!" "Right after I gave you those ten cigarettes, remember?" "( chuckles )" "It comes back to me slowly, but, uh, wasn't it 15 cigarettes?" "It was 12. 12, I think, now that you come to mention it." "13?" "13 it is." "You got a marvelous memory, Schultz." "It is getting better every minute." "And haben Sie ein light, bitte?" "Yeah." "You know, Schultz, there's a lot of the Scrooge in you." "Danke." "Danke." "NEWKIRK:" "Hello, we got company." "Ah, General Burkhalter, it's been such a long time." "Not long enough, Klink." "This is Captain Kurtz." "I better tell Colonel Hogan." "Watch the store a bit, will you?" "Naughty..." "Come on, move along, you lot." "Now, with all due respect to the Captain Kurtz, General," "I'm not in need of an adjutant." "The captain is a very able man." "Oh, I am sure that he is, but that doesn't change my feelings." "And he's also my brother-in-law." "Oh, your brother-in-law." "By marriage?" "Yes, that's the usual way." "How do you feel about it now, Klink?" "Much better." "Hard to imagine Burkhalter with a family." "Hard to imagine Burkhalter, period." "We don't need another Kraut officer, do we, Colonel?" "Neither does Klink." "CAPTAIN:" "I am looking forward to being under your command, Herr Colonel." "Really." "Yes, Hansie has told me so much about you." "Hansie?" "That's me." ""General" to you." "Oh, "Hansie." Oh, I think that's a delightful name." "And to you, too!" "Especially you." "Jawohl, Herr General." "The captain has been on the Russian front, but things are going so well there," "I arranged for his transfer." "But I understood that there was a shortage of officers at the Russian front." "There is, but my wife doesn't want the shortage to catch up with him." "I see." "Captain, I think that you will find life at the Luftstalag quite different." "Oh, yes, sir, but I'm sure I can learn from you, if you are willing to teach me." "You needn't worry that he might eventually take over your command." "Of course not, Herr General." "Only a fool would worry about a thing like that." "That's what I mean." "I have no plans to replace you, Klink." "Thank you," "Herr General." "Welcome Adjuant Kurtz, to the top POW camp in all of Germany." "Thank you, Commandant." "I will try my best to keep it that way." "Uh, Sergeant Schultz will show you to your quarters." "Danke." "Colonel, Herr General." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Well, he seems harmless enou..." "I mean, uh, pleasant enough." "So far, so good." "Oh, I'm sure it is, but Herr General," "I really am not in need of another officer." "Klink, his transfer is an order from the highest authority in the Third Reich." "The highest?" "The Fuhrer?" "Higher than that." "My wife." "Sergeant, put this man on report." "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Herr Colonel." "On what charge?" "He needs a shave." "I need a shave?" "!" "That's a joke." "He needs a shave." "Marvelous." "There's nothing in the Geneva Convention that says a prisoner has to shave." "There is now, Colonel." "Excellent." "From now on, all prisoners will look presentable at morning roll call." "Sorry, Captain, LeBeau can't look presentable." "Und why not?" "!" "Because he's a mess the first thing in the morning." "( laughter )" "Silence!" "Since you think Colonel Hogan is so funny," "I have another little joke for you." "All privileges revoked for ten days!" "Dismissed." "Oh, that's extremely funny." "Dismissed!" "Back to the barracks!" "Now, you..." "What?" "You shave." "Oh, I'm not going to shave." "You want me to be in trouble?" "!" "...achtzehn, neunzehn, zwanzig." "Herr Captain, all present." "Very good, Sergeant." "What's going on?" "The Captain ordered a surprise roll call." "Fortunately, all your men are present." "Good night, Colonel." "( clicks heels )" "I got news for you." "That character is not one of my favorite Krauts." "Yeah, well, if he keeps this up, he's going to get me mad." "Oh, really?" "Then what happens?" "I don't know." "I've never been mad." "Good luck, then." "Next." "Name." "Andrew Carter and Louis LeBeau." "Carter, what are you doing here?" "You can't even dance." "Well, that's where you're wrong." "I've been studying with LeBeau." "Any good?" "I don't know." "Schultz keeps cutting in." "Oh, guten Tag, Captain." "Uh, care for one of our tickets to the dance?" "All welcome, even Germans." "That's very decent of you." "If there was more dancing in the world, there would be less war." "That's what my old mum used to say." "She was a beautiful dancer right up to the end." "Who gave you permission to run this dance?" "Uh, would you care to be one of our judges, Captain?" "The commandant?" "That's an excellent suggestion-- you and the commandant, our judges-- both very fair-minded men." "Once more, I ask you." "I did, Herr Captain." "Uh, for morale purposes, sir." "You see, look, the dance is on Friday night." "That's the loneliest night of the week." "It used to be Saturday, but they changed it." "Sergeant, you have exceeded your authority." "Place yourself on report." "Jawohl, Herr Captain." "The dance is off." "Take that thing down." "I'd like to sort him out." "If that means homicide, I'm with you." "What's he bucking for, Colonel?" "Can't be Monster of the Year." "He's already won that." "And Captain Kurtz, our new adjutant, has what I call a brilliant idea for quick identification of all prisoners." "Now, these pictures were made from your personnel records, and from now on, each prisoner will be required to wear his photograph prominently displayed on his uniform at all times." "Only if you wear yours all the time!" "We're not gonna wear that." "KLINK:" "Silence!" "Thank you, Colonel." "( grumbling continues )" "Sergeant, distribute the pictures." "Jawohl, Herr Captain." "Sir, may I keep mine in my pocket?" "In your pocket?" "I-I take a terrible picture." "Achtung!" "I warn you, anyone caught without his identification will be subject to severe punishment." "Can I have mine redone?" "This is not my good side." "All privileges revoked another ten days." "Commandant, these men are prisoners of war, not criminals." "I protest." "Naturally." "Captain Kurtz is demoralizing Stalag 13." "I am only interested in one thing, and that is maintaining our no escape record." "All disciplinary measures have been taken with the approval of my superior officer." "That's me." "Are you letting this arrogant, stupid birdbrain run this camp?" "Are you insulting my adjutant?" "Doing the best I can." "We have nothing further to say to each other." "HOGAN:" "Yes, we have." "Order him to take the pressure off, or I promise you, there's gonna be an escape." "You are threatening the commandant!" "Take it any way you like." "KLINK:" "Thank you, Hogan, for giving us fair warning." "Captain." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Double the sentries." "Order day and night patrols into the woods around the camp." "As of now, we're on 24-hour alert." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, and may I say, sir, that is a brilliant move." "You would." "You may say so, sir." "Brilliant." "How was I to know they'd react that way?" "Ah, they really got us boxed in now." "We may get a message to blow up that train any minute now." "Yeah, and we can't get out of camp to do the job." "Why don't we blow up Kurtz instead?" "( laughing )" "First decent idea I've heard today." "Carter, if you leave that door unlatched, anything's liable to crawl in here." "What is it now, Kurtz?" "Why don't you just move in here?" "Save yourself a lot of time." "Colonel, I would like a word with you, privately." "All right." "Here." "Very cozy." "Glad you like it." "I was thinking of having it done over in Chinese modern." "( chuckles ):" "Very good." "You Americans." "What do you want, Kurtz?" "Colonel, I have the distinct feeling that you don't like me." "Whatever gave you that idea?" "I admit I've been very strict with your men." "Well, the important thing is, are you having fun?" "I'm really not so bad, you know." "You could fool me." "( clears throat )" "Hogan, it has been necessary for me to try to impress Klink and Burkhalter or be sent back to the Russian front, and let me speak quite frankly, Hogan." "I believe Germany is losing the war in Russia." "Fine." "How do we lose you?" "If that happens, I do not want to be on the losing side." "I need a friend among the winners." "You're certainly going about it cleverly." "How can I prove to you, Hogan, I mean what I say?" "Well..." "No, you'd never do it." "Do what?" "Nah, forget it." "Nobody drops dead just to prove a point." "Hogan, how would you like to escape?" "I can arrange it." "You mean it?" "You're laying it on the line?" "Try me." "I can't escape." "I'm in command, but one of my men was planning a little trip before Klink tightened up security." "Is he ready?" "Could be." "Tomorrow night?" "Good." "Between guard towers 4 and 5." "I assure you, he will have a clear path." "What assurance do we have, you don't double-cross us?" "My word of honor." "You don't know it, Kurtz." "You're a funny man." "Oh, what did he do?" "Kurtz has fixed it for one of you to escape tomorrow night." "Newkirk?" "Yes, sir." "I need a volunteer." "Well, sir, the, uh..." "The woods are crawling with Krauts." "You know, they're ready to shoot at anything, and, uh..." "Well, to tell you the truth," "I don't fancy using the tunnel at this particular time." "You don't have to use the tunnel." "Kurtz has arranged it so you go through the wire." "Kurtz?" "Can we trust him?" "We'll find out tomorrow night." "I'll find out tomorrow night?" "Charming." "You volunteered." "Well, legally, you got me there." "That's right." "That's right." "Did I ask either of you?" "( gunfire )" "Kamerad!" "Kamerad!" "You are under arrest!" "Uh, yes, sir." "Well, as you can see, my hands are in the basic Kamerad position." "You have walked through a trap which will now close around you for 30 days." "It seems very logical, sir, under the circumstances." "Take him away." "Good work, Captain." "Thank you, Colonel." "It was kind of you to supervise." "You may call on me any time." "Big double-cross with your name on it." "Hogan, I had no choice." "I had to arrest him." "You expect me to believe that?" "When I ordered the guards away from the wire, one of them reported it to Klink." "He asked questions." "I had to tell him the truth, or at least part of it." "Why didn't you get word to me?" "We could have called it off." "Klink watched me every minute." "One of my men is in the cooler." "I want him out." "I will arrange it, Hogan, as soon as possible." "Hogan..." "Hogan, you must believe me." "I did not lie to you." "Of course you didn't." "Why would I want to go to all this trouble just to trap one of your men?" "Are you kidding?" "It's a game with you." "You misjudge me, Hogan." "Like everyone else, I want to get out of this war." "You are my chance." "Well, I can't help you." "I believe you can." "How?" "I'm a prisoner of war." "You are also the senior officer." "You must have connections." "Possibly even outside Stalag 13?" "Well, I don't." "So forget it." "Look, I want to get some sleep." "Maybe I'll get lucky and dream of a world without guys like you in it." ""Train leaves Dusseldorf 1900 hours tomorrow." "Good luck."" "Yes, that's what we need, good luck, and also a miracle." "1900 hours." "That means it gets to the right spot, uh, four hours and 15 minutes later." "Well, we can't get out, so forget it." "Kurtz thinks I've got connections outside of Stalag 13." "Well, I have." "Two very important connections that lead straight into a telephone." "Who are these people, Hogan?" "The underground?" "Just people, plain ordinary people." "Look, you get too nosy, the deal's off, Kurtz." "Why must I meet them?" "Because they control the means for getting you out of the war to England." "There is such an organization here in Germany?" "There you go asking questions again." "Well, I..." "Look, Kurtz, I'll lay it out for you just one more time." "We leave camp tomorrow night alone, just the two of us." "We meet them at a rendezvous point." "They look you over." "Then they decide the next step." "That's up to them." "Now take it or leave it." "Hogan, what assurances do I have this is not a trap to kill me?" "Captain Kurtz, who'd want to knock off a nice guy like you?" "An underground organization?" "Impossible." "I believe it does exist, Herr Colonel." "And you mean, Hogan will lead us to them?" "Exactly." "Amazing how you grasp things, sir." "Experience, Captain." "Experience." "( laughs )" "So, we're going to catch the underground organization and the great Hogan himself?" "!" "( speaking German )" "May I suggest, you have a squad of men ready to fire?" "I will signal by flare when I make contact." "Wouldn't that be dangerous?" "You think you could handle the situation alone?" "Sir, my bravery is inspired by my commanding officer." "Thank you, Captain Kurtz." "I, uh, daresay that you and I make a great team." "Me, sitting here supplying the inspiration." "You, out there in the field." "Thank you, sir." "Good luck to you, Captain." "Almost one hour, Hogan." "Where are your people?" "Instructions were to pick up that telephone in... five minutes." "They'll know the coast is clear." "They'll be here." "Who are they?" "Still in there trying, huh, Kurtz?" "( train whistle blowing )" "Almost time, Hogan." "All right, I'll make the call." "Don't touch that phone, Hogan." "Now the trap is set." "Trap?" "Don't you want to leave Germany?" "Nonsense." "I am a loyal officer of the Third Reich." "My place is here, dealing with the enemy, like you." "Kurtz, I guess I had you figured wrong, huh?" "Mmm." "Now I will use that phone." "When your underground organization comes, they will find a warm welcome from Colonel Klink and his men." "( train whistle blows )" "Okay, Kurtz, you win." "You want to make the call-- go ahead." "( explosion )" "All right, Kurtz, on your feet." "Hogan, what happened?" "You, my friend, just blew up a ten-car munitions train headed for the Eastern front." "No." "Kurtz, the next time you make a call, the least you can do is use a nickel." "And he was using me as bait to try to catch this underground organization." "Well, he found this wire that was connected to some explosive charges on the track." "He followed it and tried to disconnect it in time, but... he didn't make it." "So, he was blown up with the train." "Afraid so, General." "A great tragedy." "It's hard to believe that he's gone." "Right." "He wasn't a bad guy." "At least my wife will know her brother died a hero's death." "Germany has suffered a loss." "Klink, you were his commanding officer." "Write him up for an Iron Cross." "I will see that it is approved." "Yes, Herr General." "You hear that, tiger?" "You're a hero." "An alive, dead hero." "Now I suppose you will kill me." "No, I'm afraid we do things a little differently on our side." "Unfortunately." "Tonight, the underground will start you on your way to England." "You'll sit out the war in a POW camp." "Bon voyage, General." "And oh, Kurtz, don't forget to keep in touch, will you?" "I'm saving a punch in the nose for you till after the war, just for old times' sake." ""(End of Episode)""