"[ Doorbell ]" "Hi, pete." "Hi, willie. !" "Another package for alf tanner." "How much ?" "$29.95" "You got off easy this time." "There you go." "I'll see you." "Yeah." "Probably this afternoon." "Oh, alf." "I have a package and a lecture for you." "How come those things always come in pairs ?" "Oh boy !" "It came." "Oh, alf, what is it this time ?" "Beats me." "You're getting styrofoam all over the carpet." "Sorry." "Yuck !" "They're stale." "Look !" "It's a ventriloquist's dummy." "I saw one of these little guys on tv." "He was hilarious." "Come on, dummy, speak to me." "Just my luck -- He's a mute." "**" "Come on, talk !" "Talk !" "Don't make me get the rubber hose." "He's broken." "Look's like you blew $30." "I'm not going to raise my voice or threaten you." "I'm just going to say for the 928th time " "Please don't ever do this again." "I'd better send willie some flowers." "Bring me the phone." "No." "You've got to stop spending other people's money." "People like it when you spend their money." "On melmac, that's how you said "i care."" "If you don't stop "caring", you'll send dad to the poorhouse." "I noticed you haven't said very much." "You have to make him talk." "Like this " "Hi, alf, pleased to meet you." "That's amazing !" "He sounds just like you." "That was me." "You just pull this string." "He'll open his mouth and say whatever you want." "We had a guy like that on melmac " " Our president." "Here." "You try it." "Hi lynn." "Pay no attention to the furry guy ..." "With his hand up my back." "You're not supposed to move your lips." "What lips ?" "You have to talk with your mouth closed." "No problem." "Mm mmmm." "Mmm mm mmmmmmmmm mm mmm mmm," "Mmmm mmm mmmm mm mm mmmm." "What should i name him ?" "I don't know." "Their names are usually goofy " "Like mortimer snerd, knuckle-Head smith." "I think i'll call him ..." "Paul." "Paul ?" "That's not a goofy name." "It is on melmac." "One time i called a guy "paul" " "I ended up with 14 stitches." "Good thing i didn't call him a "son of a paul."" "I'll remember that," "Although i don't know why." "Look !" "This teaches you to talk without moving your mouth." "Repeat after me ..." "A boy bought a baboon." "What boy ?" "I don't know." "Where did he buy it ?" "It doesn't matter." "Can i have one ?" "It never happened !" "Then why spread these rumors ?" "That's it !" "I'm doing my homework someplace else !" "Well, thanks for all your help !" "Want to play a computer game ?" "Not right now." "Want to help me learn ventriloquism ?" "Sure." "What do i do first ?" "First you plug in the vacuum," "And suck up all that styrofoam." "No way !" "I'm not as gullible as i used to be." "Where's everybody going ?" "Boy !" "Doesn't anybody want to have any fun around here ?" "I do." "[Alf] * ta da *" "Welcome to the tanner dinner theatre." "Starring gordon shumway, and paul." "What are you doing ?" "No talking during the performance." "Now, our opening joke " "Say "hello", dummy." "Hello, dummy." "Ha, ha." "Oh, brother." "Uh oh, the crowd looks tough." "So does the roast beef." "[Laughter]" "Hey, paul." "It looks like they're glad to see you." "That's cause with me on your hand, you can't grab all the food." "We kill us." "How did you get so good so fast ?" "I pick things up pretty quickly." "Except for those styrofoam thingies." "You shoved them under the rug." "Where is gepetto ?" "Last time i saw him, he and paul were playing poker." "It was kind of strange " "Paul was cheating and alf didn't notice." "Well ..." "At least they're not here." "Not now " "If you know what i mean." "No, i don't know what you mean." "I know what you mean." "Oh, baby !" "Alf." "Did we spoil the moment ?" "Stop hiding under the bed." "It's no picnic under there." "Well, actually it was." "We ate a couple of "dust bunnies."" "Why are you here ?" "Ask paul." "It was his idea." "Okay." "Why are you here ?" "I heard you, i heard you." "It's show time." "No, it's bedtime." "I'd like to start with my impression of alf." "Me ?" "Yeah, you, fur-Brain." "Yo, wilhelm !" "You're going to have one less mouth to feed " "I ate your cat." "Ho ho." "Very funny." "Good night." "Good night." "Impression # 2 " "Someone who ate kate's cooking " "[Retches]" "Paul, that is the 2nd time you have insulted my cooking." "I'm trying to reason with a block of wood." "Block of wood ?" "Kate, easy." "He's sensitive about his roots." "Know what this means ?" "You're making a right turn ?" "Get out." "This is all your fault." "Don't blame me." "They wouldn't know talent if it threw up on their bed." "This is getting really bizarre." "Oh, baby !" "[ Paul ] if you're looking for the roast beef, i set it free." "Hi, alf." "I didn't know you were still awake." "Alf's asleep." "You're talking to me." "Ha ha ha ha." "Can't you pack any faster ?" "Not one-Handed." "Why do we have to run away ?" "Because this place is a suburban sing-Sing." "Hi, alf.What are you doing ?" "Running away from home." "Great." "Tell the whole world." "Why are you running away ?" "None of your business." "Ha ha ha ha." "I'm gonna tell dad." "Dad !" "Hey !" "What's the idea of lying to brian like that ?" "Ow !" "Don't hit me !" "Shut up and keep packing." "Well ..." "What if i don't want to go ?" "What if someone sees me ?" "I'll tell them you're my pet sloth." "Which isn't too far from the truth." "I don't know why i stay friends with you." "Because i'm your alter ego." "You're my what ?" "I tell you what to do." "Now, grab that radio over there." "We'll hock it." "I can't take that." "It's willie's." "You're not taking anything." "I think it's time i took that dummy away from you." "No !" "Back off, or you'll be sucking splinters." "Alf, paul is only a toy." "How about if we replace him with a papa smurf ?" "Why don't we replace you two with ozzie and harriet ?" "At least harriet could cook." "That's it, mister." "You are kindling." "No, no !" "Don't take paul away from me." "He'll die." "Why don't you and paul just go in the house ?" "We won't bother you anymore." "I promise." "See how nice they are ?" "Thank you." "That's very kind " "Come on !" "I'll teach you how to smoke." "But i don't want to smoke." "It's good for you." "Really ?" "What did you do that for ?" "Don't worry." "I'm getting psychiatric help." "Good for you, but what about alf ?" "That's what i meant." "Oh." "I'm calling larry." "He helped alf last year." "He didn't even send us a bill." "You get what you pay for." "Give me some more nuts." "I don't want any more nuts." "[ Paul ] i do !" "That is really annoying." "Good." "Alf, your dummy is making me very uncomfortable." "At least you don't have to sleep with him." "He's giving me the creeps." "Ha ha ha ha." "Goodbye !" "I think she likes me." "Talk about a puppet dictator." "You don't often hear about the dangers of ventriloquism." "[Knock at door]" "Larry, come on in." "Hi, willie, how are you ?" "Hello, kate." "We appreciate your coming over." "I had to see if this dummy is really as bad as you say." "Actually, he's worse." "Where is the patient ?" "Watching tv." "And eating peanuts." "Hey, alf." "Larry !" "Nice seeing you again." "How are you ?" "Great.Look who walked in." "You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here." "Who's he ?" "Paul, this is larry." "He's a shrink." "Tell him to beat it." "I'm small enough as it is." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "So, uh ..." "what's new ?" "Certainly not your suit." "When they made that, there was only one brooks brother." "Ha ha ha ha ha ha." "You're really a riot." "I'm surprised you don't get along with the tanners." "It's not my fault." "I like the tanners." "Speak for yourself." "What's wrong with the tanners ?" "Too many stupid rules." "Don't eat the cat." "Don't break the dishes." "Don't eat the cat." "Alf, do you object to these rules ?" "Yeah -- Especially rules # 1 and 3." "I think i'm beginning to understand." "Wait.You haven't heard all the rules." "Don't throw food on the floor." "Don't eat food off the floor." "Don't bonk the guests." "I never heard that one.Great !" "Bonk !" "Still friends ?" "Funny." "Funny guy." "Oh." "[ Paul ] more nuts." "What's wrong with alf ?" "His dummy's a jerk." "I'm glad we asked for a professional opinion." "Hey !" "He bonked me !" "You should have a rule against that." "I think we do, don't we ?" "Guys, please." "What's wrong with alf ?" "I do have a theory." "Since alf came here, he's been on his best behavior." "His best behavior ?" "I'd hate to see his bad side." "You just did." "It's paul." "He's using the dummy to blow off steam." "What do we do about it ?" "You could get the dummy a dummy." "But then you'd have a really little guy with a really bad temper." "There must be another way." "Well, i have an idea." "It's drastic, but we should try it." "What is it ?" "Everybody has to break some rules now and then " "Even alf." "I think you should let him eat the cat." "What ?" "No !" "Let him break dishes -- Anything to get the old alf back." "Just let him throw popcorn on the floor." "We'll do that too." "Willie, any ideas ?" "No, not a one." "Okay." "Here we go." "Look who's here." "The 3 stooges." "Couldn't we just solve this with a buzz saw ?" "No, just do what i do." "What was that ?" "Our good china." "Yeah, we're breaking it." "I was right." "They are the 3 stooges." "Come on, alf." "Have some fun." "Don't do it !" "It's a trap !" "No it's not." "Here ..." "Throw some popcorn around." "Toss it anywhere you want." "This is too good to be true." "I've got to go for this one." "Hey !" "I'm on a roll." "Bring me some dishes." "You'll be sorry." "Don't listen to him." "Here -- Give it a heave." "How many points for hitting that picture of kate's mother ?" "100." "Willie !" "More plates !" "That picture taunts me still." "We're out of plates." "Break something else." "Like what ?" "Something small, wooden, and obnoxious." "Leave kate's meat loaf out of this." "He was talking about you." "And he's right." "You are obnoxious." "Well, you're a mama's alien." "You said you were my friend." "I lied." "Think about it, alf." "Do you really need a friend like paul ?" "He's right." "I don't need you." "Oh, yeah ?" "Yeah !" "Yeah ?" "Yeah !" "Say goodbye, dummy." "Goodbye, dummy." "You shouldn't have bonked a guest." "How are you feeling, alf ?" "Great !" "I'm on a house-Wrecking high." "He means how do you feel about paul ?" "Well, i guess i'll miss him." "But i'll get over it." "I'm over it." "He'll be all right." "To prove it, i'll send you a bill." "Alf, do you really feel okay about this ?" "Yeah, i've lost a friend," "But i've regained my left hand." "We're so happy to hear it." "Now, if memory serves ..." "We were chucking plates at grandma." "Morning, alf." "Hi, lynn." "[Puppet voice]hi, lynn." "Don't do that." "Boy, nobody likes that joke." "Willie and kate almost fell out of bed." "Brian threw a gobot at me." "Well, we're all glad paul's gone." "He is gone, isn't he ?" "Yeah.In fact last night," "I gave him a traditional melmacian funeral." "I laid him to rest, in the same way i hope to be someday." "Where is he ?" "In the freezer, next to the fish sticks." "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."