"* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear the same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang m'lord?" "* Stepping out, on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Saucy flappers in cloche hats" "* Natty chappies in white spats" "* The upper set is going bats" "You rang, m'lord?" "More hot toast, your lordship." "Thank you, James." "Will Poppy take her elbows off the table and stop slouching?" "I've got an awful headache, Daddy." "It's your own fault." "You should get to bed early." " James, get me a bromoseltzer." " Yes, Miss Poppy." "Breakfast isn't the same without Uncle Teddy." "James, what time did he get away this morning?" "The honourable Edward missed the omnibus." "Mr Stokes summoned a taxi." "He would've got there before the hooter." "Oh, good." "I'm insisting he clocks in with all the other workers." "A Meldrum clocking in!" "Your father would turn in his grave." "If he was to work, he should never have gone to Eton." "How's he getting on at the factory?" "We're trying to show him how it all works." "He spent one day in testing." "Was that enough?" "More than enough..." "for the testing department." "After that, I wanted to put him in the motor tyre moulding section but he didn't like the smell of rubber." "If he doesn't like the smell of rubber, what's he doing in the Union Jack Rubber Company?" "It's for his own good." "The whole idea is to take his mind off servant girls." "Is it working?" "Yes, from eight in the morning till five at night." "He's ruining the business, of course." "[ Skipped item nr. 43 ]" "Is that because you docked tuppence an hour off the men's wages?" "Certainly not." "Anyway, they're getting one and fourpence an hour." "Times are very hard." "We've all got to tighten our belts." "It was entirely Teddy's fault." "They put him in the boiler room, the heat made him drowsy and the boilers went out." "Of course, the rubber went tacky and all the workers got stuck to each other." "What's he doing now?" "He's in the wages department." " Can he add up?" " No." "All he has to do is lick the wage packets and stick them down." "He can't do too much harm there." " It's time the boy was married." " I quite agree." "That's the whole idea of this dinner party tonight." "I think he's had just about enough of all that smelly rubber and might be desperate enough to propose to Madge Cartwright." " That's why I asked her round." " Who else is coming?" "Well, um..." "I've invited..." "Lady Agatha." "Oh, yes?" " Does Sir Ralph know?" " He's away." "Pardon me for interrupting, your lordship." "A messenger has just delivered this from 10 Downing Street." " Thank you, Stokes." " Number Ten?" "Who's in residence there now?" "The Prime Minister, Granny." " Which one?" " Stanley Baldwin." "Honest Stan." " Your bromoseltzer, Miss Poppy." " James. you're an angel." "He's coming to dinner tonight!" " Did you invite him?" " He has a sort of open invitation." "We see a lot of each other in the Turkish baths." "Who can I invite?" "Don't invite anybody." "He's looking forward to a quiet family dinner." "Discussing the Conservative Party." "How boring." "Cissy, I will not have that kind of talk at the breakfast table." "Will there be a reply, m'lord?" " I'll telephone his secretary." " M'lord." "I can't think why he's coming." "Between you and me, I think he wants me to take over that BBC thing." "He and Churchill were not happy about the way that chap Reith behaved during the General Strike." "Daddy, you know absolutely nothing about the wireless." "What's that got to do with it?" "You needn't know anything about a thing to run it." " Now he's going!" " Who's going?" "The man who delivered the message." "Get on with your work, Mabel." "You'll have Mr Twelvetrees after you." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "Mrs Lipton, Ivy, pay attention please, I have some very important news." "The Prime Minister is coming to dinner." "Oh, mercy!" "And I've only got one block of ice." "Does the Prime Minister use a lot of ice, then?" "Mr Twelvetrees, does it mean that I'm actually going to serve the Prime Minister at dinner?" "Yes." "You must watch your Ps and Qs." "And your Rs." "And your S's and your Ts ." "D'you think he'll give me his autograph?" "Most certainly not!" "My old man says he betrayed the people when he drove the miners back to work." "Well, he had to." "All the buses were on strike." "Oh, hello!" "Excuse me, sir, I just checked my pay envelope and I'm sixpence short." "Oh, what a shame." "I'm afraid the wages clerk isn't here, he's at the bank." " Would you like to wait till he returns?" " Yeah, if you think it's all right." "Of course it's all right." "I'm in charge when he's away." "I'll let you in." " Would you like to sit down?" " Yeah, if you think it's all right." "Of course it's all right." " This is my brother's factory, you know." " I know." " You're an honourable, aren't you?" " Yes, but don't let it bother you." "What do you do?" "I trim the tyres when they come off the mould." "lsn't that rather a tough job?" "Yeah, it is a bit and dirty too." "Damn shame." "Does it make your hands all...rough?" " Yeah...a bit." " Can I see them?" "If you want to." "Oh, they're all clean." "I can smell soap - carbolic soap." "Yeah." "I had a good wash before I come up here." "Yes, your face is all shiny and scrubbed." "I have to rub it hard to get the tyre marks off." " You're beautiful." " Oh!" "Give over!" "I've heard about you." "Beryl told me, and Lizzy." "You tried to kiss her behind the extruder." " Don't go!" " I'll come back when the clerk's here." "I say..." "Oh, hang!" "(Knock on door)" "You rang, m'lord?" " Everything all right for this evening?" " Everything's in order, sir." " Now, Stokes..." " Sir?" " We have a bit of a problem." " I'm sorry to hear that, m'lord." "Remember I told you Lady Lavender had withdrawn a large sum of cash?" "I vaguely recall you mentioned it, sir." "We think she may have hidden it somewhere in her room." "Is that so, sir?" "I think you'll agree, it's unwise to have loose money lying about." "It ought to be in the safe." "Why don't you ask her for it?" "She wouldn't give it to me, or anyone else in the family." "I see, sir." "She seems very fond of Ivy." "She throws her food at her, sir, if that is a gesture of affection." "Well, if between you, you could contrive to get the money from her," " I'd be very grateful." " Of course, sir." "How much is involved?" "A very large sum of money indeed, Stokes" " L10,000." "(Tongs clatter)" " L10,000?" " Yes." "It's ridiculous to have that amount of money lying about." " Anybody could help themselves." " indeed they could, sir." " Has anybody counted it?" " The bank manager, of course, but she could've spent some or given some away - you know what she's like." "So nobody can be sure how much there is?" "Precisely." "So, we've got to get it, put it in the safe and get it back to the bank." "Leave it to me, sir." "Thank you, Stokes." "You're a good chap." "It's a great comfort to me to have someone I know I can rely on." "Ivy, you should've finished this room 15 minutes ago." "Have you been dawdling?" "Oh, no, Mr Twelvetrees, honest I haven't." "I've been talking to Dad..." "I mean, Mr Stokes." "That is no excuse." "Mr Twelvetrees, I'm ever so worried." "Lady Lavender's keeping thousands of pounds in cash under her bed." "Dad says his lordship wants me to get it, so it can go in the safe." "What's wrong with that?" "You must do as his lordship tells you." "But suppose I can't get it?" "You know what Dad's like." "Now he knows it's there, he won't rest until he's got his hands on it." "Well, not all of it, of course." "Don't you worry, Ivy, if he touches one penny, I shall denounce him." "But no one knows how much she's got." "Then I shall keep a very close eye on him." "One false move and he'll be out and I'll be the butler here." "You've got that look of greed in your eyes, just like me dad." "He's greedy for money, you're greedy for power and position." "I can only go where the good lord sends me." "But you want Him to send you to be the butler." "Sweep up the crumbs, Ivy." "Good afternoon, your ladyship." "Ah, James, I have to see Lord Meldrum at once." "Of course." "I shall inform his lordship forthwith." "Good afternoon, your ladyship." "How's the headaches?" " Quite all right, thank you, Ivy." " Lady Agatha's here, m'lord." " Good lord!" "Is she alone?" " Yes, sir." "There wasn't anybody that looked like a private detective in the bushes?" "Not that I could see from a brief glance at the front door, sir." "Right, send her in." "Your ladyship." " George." " Agatha, how very nice to see you." "That'll be all, James." " George!" " Agatha!" " I've missed you...most terribly." " I've missed you most terribly." " George!" " Agatha!" "(Gasps)" "Do you want any coffee?" "No, thank you, Ivy." " Nice cup of tea?" " No, thank you, Ivy." "Oh, well, I'll leave you in peace then." "Yes, do that, Ivy." "George..." "Ralph came back." "Oh." "Is he angry?" "Furious." "He cut up all my nightdresses." "I've nothing to wear in bed." " Say it again." " I've nothing to wear in bed." "Again!" "George, please, contain yourself." "I'm sorry." "Is he still going through with the divorce?" "No, he's forgiven me." "Oh, thank heavens for that." "He hasn't forgiven you." " He says he loves me desperately." " But I love you desperately." " He says he can't live without me." " I can't live without you." " And then he started." " Started what?" "Well..." "You know what he's like - he slobbers all over me and paws me and...things." "Oh, how disgusting!" "He's insatiable, George." " He just goes on and on." " Does he?" "You're so different." "With you...it's an event." "I feel I've achieved something." "Thank you." "George... sometimes I wonder with you and me - is it love or is it lust?" " I'd say about 50-50." " That's not enough!" "Not enough love or not enough lust?" "Sometimes... sometimes I think you've gone off me." "Why do you say that?" "Well... the first time we went to bed together," " you were so excited you felt sick." " Yes, I did." "Do you still feel sick when we go to bed?" "Violently!" "Oh, George... you're so romantic." "You give me something I've never had before." "We'll be able to see each other now he's dropped the divorce." "Oh, don't feel too secure." "He's out to get you, George." "He says you're incompetent." "You know that's not true." "He's determined to get you off the board and make himself the chairman of the Union Jack Rubber Company." " The swine." " You must patch it up with him." "I'll bring him to dinner tonight." "Oh, well, I suppose it'll be all right." "Who's coming?" "Just the family and the Prime Minister." "Oh, the Prime Minister - he hates the Prime Minister." " Is there anyone he doesn't hate?" " George, if I put him off, he might start the divorce business again." " Well, don't put him off." " No, exactly." "Excuse me, sir, Mr Foster has just telephoned from the factory." "Is it important?" "Mr Teddy has locked himself in the accounts office." "Oh, dear." "He'll come out when the whistle blows." "I expect he's just sulking." "Sir, as I understand it, he's barricaded himself in for his own protection." "The workers are after his blood." "What on earth for?" "He has been pressing his attentions on some of the factory girls." "They've gone on strike and the manager fears for his safety." "Why's Teddy at the factory?" "I put him there to take his mind off servant girls." " Shall I send for the police?" " Yes, get them round." "No, George!" "Think of the publicity." "If Ralph hears they're all on strike because you gave your brother a job, he'll make mincemeat of you at the next board meeting." "I can't leave him there." "George, it is your duty to go down to the factory and talk to the workers." "Yes, of course." "On the other hand, as I'm a lord and not an ordinary person," "I might inflame the situation and they might set about me and then of course they'd be in serious trouble and have to go to prison and I can't have that happening to my workers." "Ralph would be down amongst them like a shot." " He loves a scrap." " Does he?" "May I make a suggestion, sir?" "James and I could go with you and protect you and perhaps I could have a word with the ringleaders on your behalf." " You think so?" " Oh, George, you are brave." "Yes." "All right, bring the Rolls round." "That would upset the workers even more, sir." "May I suggest we go on the gardener's motorcycle and sidecar?" "Here, Alf, conceal this about your person in case those workers turn ugly." "Don't worry, Mrs Lipton, the lads won't touch me, I'm one of them." "Well, I'm not, I'll have it." " 'Allo, what's going on 'ere then?" " We're taking his lordship to the factory." "There's been a spot of bother, they're all on strike." "On strike?" "Because his lordship knocked tuppence an hour off their wages?" "No, Mr Teddy's lust's gone on the rampage again." "He's been trying to have his way with the factory girls and all the men have come out in sympathy." "Who they in sympathy with?" "Be quiet, Henry." "Would his lordship like me to bring my lads?" "We'll sort 'em out." "No, Constable, his lordship wants it settled quietly." " They'll be quiet after we deal with them." " We must respect his lordship's wishes." "He's a most generous employer." "Some of them get one and fourpence an hour." "And still they've gone on strike?" "That's the thanks you get for throwing your money about." "I brought a cushion for his lordship and a rug to keep him warm." "Perhaps his lordship would prefer to ride on the pillion." "Mrs Lipton, have you taken leave of your senses?" "You can't have a member of the Lords riding on the pillion of a motorcycle." "Where will it all end?" "Ivy, while we're all out, Lady Lavender'll be having a nap." "Sneak into her bedroom, get the money and put it under your bed." " No, Dad." " Ivy, it's his lordship's orders." "When we get back, I'll give him the money to put in the safe." " Is that it?" " Yes, sir." " I thought you'd prefer the sidecar." " All right." "Sit on the cushion, your lordship." "You'll be ever so snug." "I'll tuck you in like a great big baby in a pram." "When you're ready to leave, I will hold up the traffic for you." " Your helmet and goggles, sir." " Thank you." "Thank you." "You better put it on your knee, your lordship, it might blow off." " What?" " Blow off." "What're you talking about?" "Oh, I see." " Good luck, George." " Good luck, Daddy." "Yes, good luck, Daddy." "Look after him, James." " Are you ready, your lordship?" " Ready." "Thank you, sir." "Right, hold the traffic, hold the traffic." "Right, Stokes, James, we're all in this together - to the Union Jack Rubber Company!" "Goodbye." "(All) Goodbye." "Bye." " What's the matter, Stokes?" " It won't fire, sir." " You've flooded it." " I have not flooded it." "When you tickled the carburettor." "I've been tickling carburettors since you were in short pants." "Are you coming, your lordship?" "I've got two cars held up here and the milkman." "Excuse me, Mr Stokes." "Now try." "Don't be so clever." " Goodbye." " (All) Goodbye." "He's coming." "He's coming!" "Good luck." "But I'm holding up the traffic out 'ere." "Help ma bob, here's his nibs on a bike." "He said times was hard." "(Booing and jeering)" "M'lord." "They look a pretty desperate bunch." "Don't worry, m'lord, we're right behind you." "(Booing and jeering)" "Open the gates, please." "His lordship wishes to pass through." " (Shouting angrily)" " Oh, 'eck." "Come on, lads, come on, open up." "Now, we can't sort this out with you on that side and the boss out 'ere." "Now use a bit of sense." " (Men jeering)" " Come on, come on, open it up." "Come on, lads." "Afternoon." "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon." "I think I'll say a few words - buck 'em up a bit, you see?" "Now, look here... (Box collapses)" "This one is firmer, sir." "Thanks." "Now, look here, men...and, er, girls." "Some of you have worked here for a long time." "(Muttering)" "I look upon you as my family, as my children." "Oh, yeah?" "Is that why you're paying us pocket money instead of proper wages?" "I sent my brother here to work with you, to share his life with you..." "And our women!" " He tried to take advantage of me." " And me." "Nonsense, he just has an eye for a pretty girl." "And an 'and." "He was trying to have his way with me." "He was just having a bit of a lark, he was only joshing... (All) Yeah, yeah." "He's always larking about and joshing, he doesn't mean it." "He doesn't mean any harm." "(All) Yeah, yeah." "I should get down if I was you, sir." "Yes, I think perhaps you're right." "(Jeering)" " Do you realise who you're talking to?" " (Jeering)" "How dare you address his lordship in that tone of voice." "Get out of it." "(Jeering)" " Now, listen comrades, I'm one of you." " (Crowd) Yeah." "Let's all settle down and get this sorted out." "That's why we're here." "The man you've got locked up in that office, the boss's brother," " is a tragic victim of the war." " Oh, yeah?" "A lot of you went through it, you know what I'm talking about." "But as true as I'm stood here, that man saved my life and his." "I thought it was the other way round." "Now, we're gonna go up and talk to him and then we're gonna come back down and talk to you." " All right?" " (Mumbling)" " I said all right?" " (All) Yeah, all right." "Right, follow me, don't look at them and don't say anything, all right?" "Oh, it's all right, they're coming up here." "About time too." "Bally cheek." "Do you realise I haven't had any lunch?" "That is the least of our problems, if I may say so." "No, you may not say so." "That's the trouble with this place - you're all so damn bolshy." "(Murmuring)" "Come on, lads, come on." "Open up, sir, it's us." "Good afternoon." " (Crowd jeering)" " You all right, Teddy?" "Where've you been?" "We rang up hours ago." "My brother's here now." "You just watch, you'll all be for it." " You're all gonna get the bally sack!" " (Jeering)" "Please don't do that again, sir." "We're trying to calm them down." "Where's my lunch?" " I'm afraid we didn't bring any, sir." " Oh, really!" "How can you think about lunch at a time like this?" "Because I'm bally hungry, that's how." "When I left home, you were all in bed snoring." "I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast." "All you think about is yourselves, all of you - self, self, self!" "Sir, it is three o'clock and the Prime Minister is dining with you at seven," " so the sooner we settle this the better." " It is getting urgent." "If the rubber goes cold, it'll not only be useless, we'll have to change all the conduits - we'll be out of production for a week." "The damage you've done, Teddy!" "Have I your permission to try and sort this out, m'lord?" "Yes, you go ahead." "You did well downstairs." "What do the workers want?" "Ah, well, this is what you might call the last straw." "Lots of old resentments have bubbled to the surface." "No, don't knock." "Lady Lav's a light sleeper - you'll wake her up." "I don't want to do it, Henry." "If it's his lordship's orders, you've got to." "I'm not bothered about taking it, or his lordship putting it in the safe, it's the bit in the middle when me dad gets his hands on it that I'm concerned about." "Tell you what - I'll take it and put it under my bed." "You trust me, don't ya?" "Oh, course I do, Henry." "If we were in a balloon together, over shark-infested waters and one of us had to jump out - I'd be the one to go." "Would you, Henry?" "With sharks?" "I can't swim anyway." " (Parrot) Come in, shut up, come in." " What do you want?" "What do you want?" "I was just looking to see if you're all right." "Oh, I'm glad you popped in." "She didn't like the custard." "That is how it is at the moment, sir." "The workers were in such a mood I could do nothing with them." "I'll tell you what to do - sack the bally lot, get new ones." "Teddy, I won't tell you again." "May I suggest you keep your voice down, sir, they're just outside." "What're we going to do?" "Sir, there seems to be two problems - one, the money and the other, your brother." "Oh, yes, it's me, isn't it?" "I'm the problem!" "You keep your place or you'll get the sack as well." "Shh, Teddy!" "Would you promise that Mr Edward would never come here again, sir?" "I didn't want to come in the first place." "Yes, I think we could agree that." "What about the money, sir - the wages cut from one and sixpence to one and fourpence an hour?" "I could make it one and fourpence ha'penny." " I don't think that'll be enough, sir." " May I urge caution." "The more you give, the more they'll want." "You pay them generously as it is." "Try telling that to their hungry kids." " I will talk to them." " Let me do it, sir." " No, it's my duty." "Open the hatch." " Yes, sir." "(Jeering)" "Pay attention, everybody." "I've been listening to your grievances and I'm prepared to make the following concessions - one, my brother will retire from his position on the staff forthwith." "(Cheering)" "Two, we were compelled by hard times to cut your wages from one and sixpence to one and fourpence an hour." "(All) Yeah." "I am prepared to raise this to one and fourpence ha'penny an hour." "(Jeering)" "They're animals, sir, they won't listen to us." "Let me talk to them, sir." "Yes, go ahead." "In view of the time, I ought to telephone Ivy and ask her to set the table." "There's yours, Constable." "Come and get yours, Mabel." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "You haven't done enough sprouts." "Do another couple of pounds." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "They're taking a long time at the factory." "I hope the men haven't set about them." "He should've let me take my lads down." "We'd have sorted them out with our truncheons." "The workers have every right to go on strike." " Well, I've every right to hit 'em." " (Telephone)" "Oh, dear, who can that be at this time?" "Ivy, you'd better answer the phone." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "I bet it's bad news." "I've never had good news out of one of them machines." "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Mr Twelvetrees." " It's Mr Twelvetrees." " It's Mr Twelvetrees." " Are they all right?" " Are they all right?" " He says they're all right." " They're all right." "Heaven be praised." "Ask if they want me to come round with the boys." "Constable Wilson says, do you want him to come round with the boys?" "Eh?" "Oh, he says no, he wants you to set the table." "Eh?" "Oh!" "You want me to set the table." "I've never done it on me own before." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Mr Twelvetrees, I think you're ever so brave." "He's gone." "It's nearly four o'clock." "Whatever time are they going to get back?" "Well, supposing they're late and the Prime Minister arrives?" "You'll just have to let him in, take his hat and coat and show him into the drawing room." "But who's going to entertain him?" "I can't entertain him." "I wouldn't know what to say." "I mean, what do you say to a Prime Minister?" "He's only an ordinary man, like me." "I wouldn't know what to say to you if you was upstairs in the drawing room." "Well, there you are then." "Perhaps Lady Lavender could entertain him." "She'd just chuck things at him." "He's a politician - he's used to it." "I'd entertain him all right." "Ivy, you better set the table, like Mr Twelvetrees said." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." " Henry, help Ivy." " Yes, Mrs Lipton." "There's a copper coming down the stairs." "It'll be the sergeant." "Don't forget, you asked me in because you heard a strange noise." " Yes?" " Good afternoon, madam." " I'm from Scotland Yard, Special Branch." " Oh, yes." "The Prime Minister is due here at seven o'clock." " Yes, we know." " I'll be on duty here till he leaves." "Oh, er, well, you'd better come in then." "Sit yourself down." "I've inspected the upper rooms." "There is no irregularity, Mrs Lipton." "All right, Constable, you don't have to go through all that" " I know the form." "Sit down and finish your tea." "Don't leave any wrinkles, Henry." "D'you like being a servant, Ivy?" " No, not much." " Neither do I." "Mind you, the food's all right." "Oh, yeah, the food's all right and I've got a bed." "The last place I was in, I slept under the sink in the wash house." "Oh, Henry!" "It wasn't too bad, after I stopped the leak." "Weren't you cold?" "No, the dog kept me warm." " Ivy?" " Yes?" " Are you left handed?" " Yes, why?" "Cos you're setting 'em all the wrong way round." "Oh, 'eck!" "Stokes is taking a jolly long time." "These negotiations are never easy, your lordship." "I told you what to do - sack the bally lot." "Shut up, Teddy." "Are you sure Mr Stokes will act in your best interests?" "Oh, yes, he's a first-class chap." "I trust him with my life." " (Murmurings of unrest)" " Come on, lads." "Lads!" "Lads!" "Just a minute." "Now, it's half past five - he's sweating up there because he's got the Prime Minister coming to dinner at seven o'clock." "Come on, you can't lose." "All you've gotta do is wait." "Right, whose deal is it?" " Me." " Yeah, I think it's yours." "(Rings bell)" " Better hurry up." "It's six o'clock." " I hope these shoes match." "That girl in Swan  Edgars was downright impertinent." "I reported her to the manager." "I hope she gets the sack." "That'll be one more queuing up for the dole." "You're a spoilt brat, Poppy." "(Sighs)" "Where've you been?" "We've been here hours." " I'm sorry, Miss Poppy." " Well, so you should be." "You're jealous, Cissy, that's your trouble." "You always were." "Just cos your hair's thin and wispy." "Who'd want a great floor mop like you've got?" "Ivy, take these and put them on my bed and run me a bath." " I'm having first bath." " No, you're not." "Excuse me, miss... you're going to have to run your own bath and dress yourselves." "I beg your pardon?" "How dare you speak to me like that!" "I'm sorry, miss, but none of them are back from the factory." "There's only me and Henry and the Prime Minister's due at seven." "Holy smoke!" "You could at least have brought a packet of biscuits." "Will you stop talking about food?" " What's happening?" " It's no use, sir, they won't budge." " It's a quarter past six." " I know, sir." "Shall I telephone Number Ten and cancel, sir?" "You can't cancel the Prime Minister, and Sir Ralph's coming." "If he finds out about the strike, he'll have me off the board." " You've got to go back and settle this." " Yes, m'lord." "Give them back their damned tuppence." "Very good, m'lord." "I'll do my best." "I'll telephone Ivy and ask her to lay out your clothes, m'lord, and Mr Edward's." "Do that." " What's for dinner?" " Boiled mutton and caper sauce, sir." "Oh, good, I want heaps and heaps." "Look at the time, quarter to seven." "I'd better be out front when the Prime Minister arrives." "I'll come with you and then I can stop the traffic." "We're having boiled mutton and caper sauce tonight." "You'll be joining us, I hope." "You try and stop me." "Oh, no, wine!" "Mabel, get some wine up from the cellar." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "What do I get?" "Well, get a few bottles of that Château Lafitte." "I enjoyed that last week." "It was quite nice." "They'll be here any minute." "Shouldn't you answer the door, Mrs Lipton - you're senior to me?" "No, I can't answer the door, Ivy, I..." "I..." "I haven't got the right attire." " (Telephone)" " Oh, phone, Ivy." "(Ivy) Hello?" "Oh, oh, yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "They've settled." "They're just leaving the factory." "Mr Twelvetrees, I think you're wonderful." "He's gone again." "It'll take them 20 minutes to get back here." "Oh, dear me!" " What are we going to do?" " Well, you must answer the door, announce them, show them into the drawing room and, er... and offer them a drink." "Henry, you take their coats." "(Applause)" "They seem to be in good spirits." "You've done a first-class job, Stokes." "Sorry, sir, we must hurry." "The Prime Minister will be arriving any minute." " Off we go, quick as you can, Stokes." " Yes, sir." "(Cheering)" "(Bell)" "Oh, heavens." "Off you go, Ivy." "Good luck." "What do I do if they ask where the butler is?" "Er, make an excuse." "Make an excuse." "(Rings bell)" "Ralph...you will be polite to the Prime Minister, won't you?" "Polite?" "The man's an idiot." "And a boring one at that." "And I shall be watching you, my girl." "If Meldrum's hand goes under the table just once," "I won't be responsible for my actions." " Ah, good evening." " Oh, good evening, sir." "Good evening, Lady Agatha." "Where's that damn butler?" "He cheated me." "I want a word with him." "Well, erm, he's downstairs." "The cook burnt the gravy and he's giving her what for." "Oh, I see." "This has all the ingredients of a memorable evening " "Stanley Baldwin and burnt gravy." "I'll just announce you." "Sir Ralph Shawcross and Lady..." "There's nobody 'ere." " (Bell)" " The door!" "Excuse me, I won't be a minute." " Oh, good evening, Miss Cartwright." " Good evening, Ivy." "I say, this is a rum do." "Where's Meldrum?" "I know." "He's doing this deliberately to insult me." "Of course he's not, Ralph." "Miss Madge Cartwright." " You have met before, haven't you?" " Yes, thank you, Ivy." "Would you like a drink?" "Yes, I'll have a large whisky." "Agatha, you'll have a small sherry." "What about you, Madge?" " I'll have the same." " A large whisky and two sherries." "Well, help yourself." "I'm furious with you." "Nothing was ironed or laid out." " I haven't had time, Miss Poppy." " Stop whining." " Any news of Daddy?" " They've left the factory and Sir Ralph, Lady Agatha and Miss Cartwright are in here." " Why didn't you tell us?" " Never mind that." " We'll hold the fort till Daddy gets back." " (Bell)" " That'll be the Prime Minister." " Show him in, wait a few minutes then make an excuse for Daddy not being here." "Yes, miss." "What shall I say?" "Think of something, girl." "Go on, Ivy, answer the door." " What do I call him?" " Right Honourable." "Oh, Right Honourable." "(Mouths)" "Oh, good evening, your Right Honourable." "Good evening." "I expect it'll be about 1 1 o'clock, Perkins." " This is Henry." " How do you do?" "He'll take your coat and hat and then I'll announce you." " Will that be all right?" " Yes, of course." "The Right Honourable..." " .." "Prime Minister." " I'm Cissy Meldrum." "Forgive Daddy, he'll be down in a minute." "You'll help yourself to a drink, won't you?" "There's plenty of it." "Henry, go upstairs and start banging on the bathroom door" " and stamping on the floor." " Eh?" "Just go and do it." "Ethel, announce me to the Prime Minister." "You're not properly dressed." "Henry, take Lady Lavender back to her room." "What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?" "It was good enough for Mr Gladstone." "Excuse me, your Right Honourable and everybody else... there's been a slight accident." "Not the damn gravy again." "What happened, Ivy?" "Well, Mr Teddy was in the bathroom attending to his ablutions when he accidentally slipped on the soap." "His lordship, on hearing him cry out, rushed in to help and, er, the door closed behind them and they can't get out." "(Banging from upstairs)" "There they are now, trying to get out." "Where's the butler and the footman?" "I'll come in and tell you about that later." "They've all arrived, sir." "May I suggest you go through the servants' entrance, sir." "Oh, heaven be praised, here they are." "Good evening." "Evening." "Prime Minister, I was reading about that speech you made on your plans to reduce unemployment." "Really?" "Read a lot of fiction, do you?" "Good evening, your lordship." " What's happening?" " They're all in there chatting." "We'll come down as soon as we're dressed." "Make some excuse." "I just made one." " Make another one." " And tell them dinner'll be late." "Oh, 'eck." "Excuse me, you remember when I was here just now and you asked about the butler and the footman?" "The butler's gone for the plumber and the footman's gone for a ladder so the plumber can get in." "If the lock's jammed, you want a locksmith!" "Oh, I'll go and tell them." "Oh, and dinner's going to be late." "Mabel, where's that wine?" "How do you spell Lafitte?" "How do you think you spell it?" "L-A-R" " Lar, F-E-E-T, feet." "(Banging continues)" "Damn rotten plumber." "If I was Meldrum, I'd have put my shoulder to the door by now." "I'm sure Daddy'll be down in a minute." "I know, hands up who'd like me to put on a gramophone record." "Good." "I've got Whispering Jack Smith singing Miss Annabel Lee." "(Record crackles, music starts)" "Henry?" "Henry!" "What is all that banging?" "It's you and Mr Teddy - you're locked in the lavatory." "I'll go and stop it." "Good evening, Prime Minister, sorry to have kept you." "That's the carpenter repairing the door." "May I introduce my brother, Teddy." " Good evening, sir." " Good evening." "Hello, Teddy bear." "I hear you've been having trouble with some soap." "Cissy, have you been sneaking on me to Madge?" "Dinner is served, m'lord." " Ah, lead the way, would you, Teddy?" " You bet, I'm starving." "Cissy, you tell the Prime Minister where to go." "Are you sure you wouldn't like me to do that?" "Ah, there you are, you villain!" "What have you done with those shares you promised me?" "The parrot ate them, sir." "A likely story." "Thank you, Uncle Teddy." "The table looks very nice, Ivy." "You're a good girl." "I'm not." "I've had to tell some awful whoppers." "Needs must when the devil drives." "He's been driving very hard today." "Thanks for getting us out, Stokes." "One and six an hour is steep." "We'll have to tighten our belts a notch." " Make it two notches, m'lord." " I beg your pardon?" "I said you'd give them one and eight." "Ripped by malgabo Sync by sutyiboy" "* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear the same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Talking flicks are here today" "* And Lindbergh's from the USA" "* Poor Valentino's passed away..." "How sad, m'lord."