"Where's the bag?" " The green bag." "Wait, Andreas must be here somewhere." "Here you are." "Lena!" "Lena, wait a minute." "Lena." " Tore!" " Come on." "Lena, could you look at me for a sec?" "Could you look at me for a sec?" "What's up?" "I don't want to..." "What?" "What don't you want?" "I don't..." "I don't..." "I don't know anyone here." "OK..." "Tore?" "I'm not an expert in this field but we should take her to hospital." "Its neurologists are on Gottesweg, right?" "Remember our last trip to hospital?" "When the front wheel had come off my bike and I tried to keep going on the fork... and braked with my teeth?" "When's Lehnbach coming?" " You said you liked me because I didn't seem to mind physical conflict." "Professor Lehnbach, Neurology?" " Over there." " Andreas." " Thomas." "You're her husband?" "Could you wait outside, please?" " Sure." "Hello." "I'm Dr Lehnbach." "And what's your name?" "Lena..." "Lena Ferben." " We'll have to take a blood sample." "Come on." " Has your wife had a fever recently?" "Yes, she had..." "She..." "An aciclovir infusion, please." "Suspected encephalitis." "May I?" "Do you know where you are?" " What?" " Don't worry." "Do you know where you are?" "Hospital?" "Good." "Do you know the man next to the nurse?" "We..." "We came here together." "Who's the German chancellor?" " This'll hurt a tiny bit." "Merkel." "Or is it...?" " No, no, very good." "And the capital of France?" "Paris." " And your parents' names?" "Do you remember your parents?" "LOSE MY SELF" "You had encephalitis, an inﬂammation of the brain." "Parts of your brain are inflamed, and your autobiographical memory is..." "You can't remember very much." "Frau Ferben, we'd like to discharge you." "You can go home." "The inﬂammation has subsided and it'd be best to continue your treatment as an outpatient." "In the first weeks it's likely that memories will return." "Some of them, at least." "And familiar surroundings play a crucial role in the process." "Later it'll..." "Anything that helps your wife to remember... is good." "Here, this is you when you were a student." "On the train to Marburg, probably." "And that's me." "But we didn't know each other then, and that's you with Simon F., your ex-boyfriend." "Here... look." "Who's that?" "That's you, too." "I wrote all this?" "Yes." "This is your study." "And what are the books about?" "Pretty complicated stuff..." "You write articles about... male/female-specific theoretical articles about"." "Gender." " Am I intelligent?" " Oh, yes." "And that's me, too?" "That's your mother." "Do you know why we call him Simon F.?" ""F" as in "phased out"." "That's a joke." "Because "phased" is written with a P." "Where's the mother?" " Your mother?" "You haven't been in touch for quite some time." "And why..." "Why not?" "I'm not really sure." "Presumably because she interfered too much in your life..." "She lives in a home not far from here." " And what's going to happen now?" "What?" "What do you mean?" "I..." "Am I..." "Am I going to stay here?" "Of course." "What...?" "Well, oh, I see..." "This is for you, Minnie, all the best." "Music!" "Minnie, for you." "Music is trumps." "Music is trumps for everyone." "No need for so many words to come because music expresses love for you." "Music is trumps." "Music is trumps in life." "It will always survive as long as the world is alive." "In every small tropical bar..." "That was at Minnie's birthday do." " You did that especially tor me." "Well, one of them is you, look." "She doesn't recognise herself..." "The other person is me." "On the right, with the curly hair..." "Yes, that's you." "What time is it now?" "Five minutes later than just now." "Tore should be here soon, too." " He's still at work now?" " Yes." "In a meeting." "With the stonemason." "Minnie found it especially for you." "That was a while back..." "She's got a lion's head." "He'll be here soon now." "Are you and I really friends, Frau...?" "Yes, we were very close and..." " Yes, I know, I mustn't be so formal." "Andreas?" " Yes, I'll get it." " Is that Tore?" " Hi, how's it going?" " Hello." " Hi." " Hello." "Hi." "Hello, good evening." "Is everything OK?" " Yes, fine." " Thanks for..." "No problem." "Where are we going?" "I told you:" "It's a surprise." "Sceptical, demanding, inquisitive, aggressive." "The eyes... are closed a bit, the brow... is slightly furrowed." "Inquisitive." " You really like it here." "The air." "The trees, the view." " Hello." " Good afternoon." "Distrustful, unhappy, confused, amused." "Eyes... closed a bit, brow slightly..." "Distrustful." " Distrustful?" " Yes." "Really?" "Look at me." "Look at me, Frau Ferben." "Ah, laughing." "Amused." " Good, well done." "Right, back there..." "It's back there, the surprise." "It's exactly..." "It's exactly... the same room." "I'd just gone through a dreadful separation and I was..." "Back then I still had that green Audi that I had to double-declutch." "My parents were here on holiday and I'd arranged to meet them." "Anyway..." "Instead of coming here right away, I got waylaid in this pub." "Strange place... full of punks." "And... suddenly you were standing next to me." "I found you amazing." "I found you really amazing." "What was the name of the pub again?" "Red Zora, Red Zora... or something like that." " The Red Lantern." " What?" "The Red Lantern, that's what it was called." "That's right." "That's what it was called." "We drank schnapps..." "We drank this dreadful schnapps." "It was called... it was aptly called." "Chain Oil." "I..." "Just for a laugh, I came up with the idea of..." "Just for a laugh, I came up with the idea of pretending... of pretending to be your new girlfriend... at breakfast, for your parents." "That's right, my new girlfriend." "Welcome back..." "Frau Ferben." "The sex was incredibly exciting, but from a purely technical standpoint... there was definitely room for improvement." "Indeed there was." "8 September 1991." "How come you remember the exact date?" "I read up on it." ""'Tore"" "I think this name might stay with me tor quite some time." "When he said his name, he added: "Like the" "German word for goals the FC doesn't score."" "Good evening, nice so many of you could make it." "It's quite overwhelming." ""It's regrettable," said Baudelaire," ""that they forgot to add to the list of human rights, the right to contradict oneself."" "PUBLISHER PUBLISHED MY BOOKS" "I'm back." "Tonight I'd like to take a look at what actually constitutes a performative contradiction to normative repetitive actions in the enactment of gender-specific identities..." "So I got almost two-thirds wrong." "Well..." "You have to deduce logically what other people grasp intuitively." "And how do other people do it?" "You do it, too." "But you do it in other areas, your procedural memory, for example." "It's responsible for physical procedures." "You still know how to drive, don't you?" "If you want to change gears, what must you do first?" "Step on the clutch." " Almost everyone says that." "You have to release the accelerator first." "But you don't think that, it's subconscious." "You've done it so often, it happens automatically." "You don't even know that you learned it." "I'm going to wear it!" " But it's not really you." "You only wore it as a joke at the carnival..." " I'm going to wear it!" "All I'm saying is, it's not a serious piece of clothing." "I don't find it funny at all." "Besides, it's much too cold." "That's your mother's." "You've been meaning to throw it away for ages." "This is what I'm going to wear." "Hello!" "See that tower over there?" "I was up there yesterday." "Can we go up there?" " I can, but you can't." "Why not?" " Because you're afraid of heights." "Afraid of sights?" " No, you're afraid of heights." " Heights..." " Heights." "Since when?" "The last time we were up this high, you were on all fours, screaming to go back down." "At the moment we're working on this buttress." "Here, part of the tower's broken off..." "And here you can still see damage from World War ll." "And now I'll let you in on a secret:" "Behind this scaffolding there's a frieze." "It's impossible for a person to reach, and the mason chiselled a tiny worm into it." " Frank!" " Herr Ferben." "This is my wife, Lena." " Pleased to meet you." "Encephalitis has damaged my amygdala and hippocampus so I'm no longer afraid of heights." "I see, congratulations, I'm pleased to hear that." "And now you want to become a scaffolder here?" " No." "I'm coming!" "I haven't got a clue about scaffolding." "How's F5 coming along?" "We're getting there." "Come on." "You might be able to boss your lackeys about, but not me." "What?" "You might be able to boss your lackeys about... but not me." "No, don't touch me, don't touch me!" "I can't do this any more." "Here?" "Mix-up..." "Labour..." "Did you watch this?" "Yes." "Lena F. Watched it with you and then wrote about it." "And that evening you had a massive argument." "Lena F.?" "F as in "phased out"." "That's a joke, because "phased out" is actually written with a P." "You're drunk." "Go to bed." "You might be able to boss your lackeys about;" "But not me." "You've got no idea, so keep out of it!" "Don't touch me!" "No!" "Please, I need you." "I can't do this any more." " Stop torturing me." "No, no, no." "I love you." "I've always loved you." "But what do you know about love?" "You ran off to fuck some guy or other!" "Don't speak to Mum like that." " Keep out of it." "I love you." "Looking for someone?" "Can I help you?" "Anne-Marie Pasen." " You're her daughter?" "You want the sixth ﬂoor, she's probably on the roof terrace." "No, no, no..." "No clearance." "What?" "Out of the curve into the middlification." "Into the middlification... next to it." "From the trees, eh?" "Mum..." "Mum is so unbelievably ignorant." "That I often can't believe that there's something of her in me." "A mix-up in the delivery room?" "With all due respect, yes." "Came across Mum's old coat in the wardrobe again." "Stared at it for five minutes again, rooted to the spot." "I don't want it but I can't bring myself to get rid of it." "That's what it's like with Mum... too." "What are you doing there?" "Where did your mother go?" " What?" "Wasn't she on the balcony any more?" " This is my mother." "No, that's Frau Mandrevsky." "Your mother's probably back in her room." "That can't be right." "This is my mother." "Shall I take you to your mother?" "Frau..." "Shall I or not?" "Everything OK, Frau Mandrevsky?" "I don't know." "Are you going in, too?" "Are you going in, too?" "Yes, why?" "Why?" "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost." "Are you ready for miracles?" " Do you believe in Jesus?" " Yes." "The respirator is not God's will." "He gave you lungs and wants you to use them." "Put the respirator away." "Keep walking." "Get into pairs, put your hands on each other's shoulders and pray for each other." "And how did you find it?" "Good." "My name's Roman." " What?" " Roman." "I've never heard that name before." "Like the old centurion." "I'm not quite that old, actually." " And you?" " What about me?" " Your name." " Me?" "Yes." "Lena Ferben." " Pleased to meet you." "So what else do you do when you're not stumbling into church services?" "I study performative patterns in gender relationships." "OK..." "Are you alright?" "I don't know." "I feel... strange somehow." "Must've been the experience of God." " No..." "I think it's you." "Where have you been?" " To a church service." "Why?" " Roman took me along." " Roman?" "Have a nice evening." "Sorry, I was really worried about her." " Better safe than sorry." " Yes." "Roman." "Who's Roman?" "Hello." "Hello." "It all sounds very dubious to me, like some kind of weird Baptist church or sect or something like that." "You're critical about religion." ""Religion is an authoritarian, repressive system..."" "Or something like that." "You shouldn't have given him your phone number." "I don't know what kind of guy he is." "Maybe he's got evil intentions." "It he calls, we could meet him together." "It he's really so nice." "Can we go there?" "Seriously?" "What was it like?" "What did I do?" " What did you do when?" "When we had sex." "Well..." "Usually you..." " Five shots?" " Usually we..." "I had no idea I could do that." " Me neither." "Procedural memory." "For instance, sometimes we'd be talking about architecture, let's say, and you'd come up to me and... and undo my ﬂies." "For example, you'd say that postmodern architecture claims an allusion to a history" "that is in itself already a phantasmagoria." "And while you talked, you'd get closer and closer." "Phantasmagoria?" "Phantasmagoria, yes." "An illusion." "And then you'd pull out my cock... and... in the end you'd be... naked." "And the whole time we'd be..." "Hello?" "Yes." "Arthur!" " Is that your dog?" " Dog?" " Yes." " That isn't a dog." "Isn't it?" "I'm sure that's a dog." " It's a royal poodle!" "I don't like dogs at all." "I mean, not one little bit." "The dog doesn't like you either." "Karo, have you got a slice of lemon?" "Thanks." "Any problems finding the place?" " No, I had a map." "It was easy:" "It's got all the streets on it, and their names." "I've heard about such things." "Shall we sit down?" "I'll just go and get my tea." "Somethings different today." "Yes?" "This is my "living room"." "And... where's your bedroom?" "Pardon?" "Bedroom." "Listen, would it be a totally stupid idea if I asked you upstairs to my place for a cup of tea?" "Yes..." "OK." "Don't they have any tea here?" " I don't drink tea." " No." "No?" "That's just the way I put it." "What I meant is I want to go to bed with you." "And?" ""And" what?" "How do you find the idea?" "Good." "I want you." "I'm glad to hear that." "I'd also like to see your penis." "I'm glad to hear that." "It'd probably be hard to avoid." " Hello, Hildegard." " Hello." "Have a nice day." " Thanks, you too." " Have a nice day." " Same to you." "Is everything OK?" "Yes, I think so." "You're not reacting." "I don't even know how I'm supposed to react." "Panting, groaning, breathing heavily." "Phantasmagoria." "Phantasmagoria." "I've been giving the Roman Empire some thought." "I mean Roman." "Of course you can meet whoever you want, whenever you want." " Good." "It goes without saying..." " I've already met him." "Look." "I bought a butterfly." " Where, when?" "Today, in a boutique." "No, when did you meet Roman?" "The day before yesterday." "He didn't have any evil intentions at all." " OK." "And what did you do?" "We were in a cafe and then went to bed together." "What?" "We were in a cafe and then went to bed together." "You did what?" "Went to bed together?" "You're not serious, are you?" " Sure." " Shit!" " Where?" " What?" "Where did you go to bed together?" " Oh, in Roman's bedroom." "And did you at least enjoy it?" "Yes, very much." "Well, then everything's wonderful." "Yes." "You really don't get it, do you?" " What?" "How that makes me feel." "But what's it got to do with you?" "Because I'm your husband!" "I know that." "You're my beloved husband." " Then imagine it'd been vice versa." "How you would feel if I'd done that." " Good evening." " Hello." "Hello, Lena." "Hi." "Nice top." " Butterfly." "Am I meant to know him?" "That's my stepbrother Klaus." "He hasn't been here before." "May I come in?" ""Klaus, Anne's brother, a shady character, but nice." Is that you?" " It fits." " Shady?" "I'll put them in water." " Is everything OK?" "Yes, fine." "We'll manage." "Thanks for coming." "We met at the wedding." " I hope you like fish!" "Fish?" "Damn, I've brought red..." "Where's that vase, the round one?" "Please, sit down." "Seating order?" " Would you like a drink?" "I've prepared something for you, a surprise." "I have to dress up for it." " Dress up?" "We can't wait to see it." " As what?" " Well, that's the surprise." "What else does it say besides "shady"?" " What does it say about the rest of us?" "Me?" "Those are Lena's private..." " I know, but she can say no." "Frauke is one of the most determined people I know, and yet so reliable." "At my age "best friend" sounds a bit silly, but if I had one, it'd definitely be Frauke." "Yes, thanks..." " Cheers." " To you." "Here's something I don't understand:" "I was rather surprised when I saw Frauke with Torman, but I'm sure" "I won't be performing scenes of a marriage as a petit bourgeois melodrama." "Although it doesn't bother me that they fuck," "I can't help feeling slightly hurt by their secretive behaviour." "Who is this Torman?" "It was really just..." "That was three years ago..." "You call me Torman." "That was my nickname." "So it was just what?" " Do you want details or...?" "You don't get to decide who asks questions..." "Because I'm Tore and I'm the man you married." "Tor... man." "Andreas, there's no need..." " Neither do you!" "I can't find the coffee." "I'm going to dress up now." "I find this a bit silly." "You find it silly?" "I'm being silly now, am I?" "Bye, Tore." "All the best." "Good evening." "Nice that so many of you..." "Damn!" "Good evening, nice that so many of you could make it." "It's quite overwhelming." " What are you doing?" ""It's regrettable," said Baudelaire," ""that they forgot to add to the list of human rights, the right to contradict oneself."" "A performative contradiction is one that is evoked by utterances whose meaning, at least formally, must be taken as true." "For example, "I'm speechless."" "Here, the meaning of the words contradicts the prerequisite for their articulation." "Tonight I'd like to take a look at what actually constitutes a performative contradiction to normative repetitive actions in the enactment of gender-specific identities." "A performative contradiction would be a contradiction that causes the performative act to inextricably short-circuit itself." "I haven't got any further yet." "I didn't understand a word, but I love the costume." "This isn't about plays or costumes." "Don't we role-play every day?" " You don't know shit, you bastard!" "I loved Lena." "Don't you understand?" "You can't just "play" Lena." "You can't just pretend." "I need some fresh air." "My scarfs still hanging over there." "I'll call a taxi." " We can give you a lift." "What's the matter?" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Do you want to go in?" "Yes." "There you go." " Have a nice day." " You too." "Yes?" "Do you know her?" " No, never met her." "What do you want?" "You do know me." "We met at the church service." "Church service?" "Church...?" "No." "Yes!" "Later we met up in your living room downstairs." "No idea." " What's going on here?" "I was wondering it we could drink tea together again like last time." " What?" "That's just a turn of phrase." "Actually it means "go to bed"." "Did you have sex with her?" " Nonsense, I've no idea who she is." "Right, you'd better piss off now!" " No." " Oh, yes!" "Are you nuts?" " Why?" " I go away once!" "But I told you:" "I don't know her!" "Get lost!" "I've had enough." " Enough of what?" "You're moving out." " Me?" "But this is my ﬂat!" "Kicked out of my own ﬂat..." "She'll come to her senses." "She can be a bit impulsive sometimes." "I'm sceptical about religion." "Religion is a repressive and authoritarian system and..." "Yes, me too." "I had to write an article about the church service." "See?" "You do remember me." "Of course I do." "Listen... it was really nice with you." "And I'm not just saying that." "But as you can see..." "What?" "Sandra, well..." "She's my girlfriend." "It was really nice with you, but there's no... future in it." "Because I'm actually with Sandra." "I'm sorry." "You'd better piss off now." "I need some fresh air." "Roman F." "Phased out." "Out!" "Out!" "What are you doing?" "I'm tidying up a bit." "All this..." "All this old stuff." "Wait, will you?" "Lena, wait." "We can work it out." "Tomorrow is another day." "It this has got anything to do with Frauke..." "Why Frauke?" "But what are you going to do with that?" "Throw it away." "Lena, you can't just throw everything away." "Why not?" "Stop it." "Who gives a damn?" "We've coped with worse." "Not "Lena"!" "I just... want to be myself!" "Not pretend for someone else, just... just be me!" "Just "be me"?" "Did you pick that up from an afternoon soap?" "No, I picked that up from myself!" "Did you think I was just "me" all this time?" "We're always playing a part." "And there is no fucking thing like "me" anyway." "You taught me that!" "That wasn't me!" "Lena F. Isn't here." " Isn't she?" " No." "No." "If you believe that..." "I forbid you... to touch her things." "You can't do that." "Don't touch her things." "They don't belong to you." "Roman already has a girlfriend." "Excited?" "Lena's inside." "Alright?" "Alright?" "I saw you come in." "How did the finial turn out?" "Pretty good." "Don't you have to..." "Well, they will hardly start without me." "See you later, Torman." "See you later." "And then, of course, I have to..." "I have to thank the person whose diverse and extensive groundwork" "I was able to draw on for this book." "She is..." "This might sound a bit funny..." "I don't remember her, but I know a lot about her." "She has the same name as me." "Good." "Desire has been described as something that unfolds in the space between that which exists and that which doesn't, between the satisfaction we have achieved and the satisfaction we seek." "In this area of tension between non-existence and existence, desire is..." "Amazing that she retaught herself all that." "Thanks." "It seems like a miracle, doesn't it?" "A resurrection." "As if someone had returned from the dead." "I don't know if I can manage." "There's still so much I have to read up on." "And I still have to do some thinking, too." "January..." "Stefan reckons I can do it, but..." " Lena!" "Hey, look..." " I'll be forgetting my head next!" "You're an angel." " You really did a great job, Frau Ferben." "That's very kind of you, Frau Benn." " Bye." " Bye." " Thanks." " Drive carefully." "And we'll speak on the phone soon." " Definitely, yes." " Bye." " Bye." "After all, the first three chapters... are virtually prepared, they were already written..." "More or less." "I can use most of that as it is, we've even got the footnotes." "That only leaves the English articles... that still require some work." "Can you take these?" "Left, right..." "Left..." "What do you think?" "I'm so thirsty." "Hello, Torman." "This is Lena F." "I'm speaking to you directly from Lena's subconscious." "Lena F. Says:" ""Drink milk, it's good for you."" "Milk." "Healthy." "I don't want to go on." "I don't want to go on." "I don't know who I am dealing with." "I was only joking." "It's not a joke to me." "Do you understand?" "It's not a joke to me." "And I can't stand this "almost" anymore." "This..." ""almost the way it used to be"." "And the smaller this "almost" gets... the more obvious it becomes." "Maybe..." "Maybe it would be best... if we... if we..." "Tore." "What?" "There's always a gap." "So what?"