"Have you read where there's clowns coming to towns and scaring children?" "Can you see if that's a paid gig?" "(Bell dings)" "Fxx presents it's always sunny in Philadelphia." "Dennis:" "Allright." "Uh, let's get started." "(Clears throat) What do you guys want to know?" "¶ ¶" "narrator:" "The circumstances surroundingthedeathof thewomanborn Maureenponderosa captivatedsouthPhiladelphia." "(Indistinct police radio chatter)" "Shewasdiscoveredinanalley  witha brokenneck." "In2013,Maureenhad begun hertransitionto acat ." "(Cat mews)" "Andinhercat form, shewentby thenamebastet tohonortheEgyptiangod ofcats." "(Cat yowls)" "The story quickly became fodder forlocalmedia." "So much for having nine lives." "This cat did not land on her feet." "She landed on her neck." "Narrator:" "Authoritiessoonfocused onthesuspiciousnature ofherdeath." "Girard:" "Mynameis Lancegirard." "I've been with the Philadelphia police department for 24 years, 12ofwhichwerewith  thehomicidedivision." "I've seen a lot of things." "A man wants to turn himself into a woman?" "Okay." "Who am I to judge?" "But, really, a cat?" "What's next?" "A watermelon?" "(Camera clicks)" "Firstthingwe wanted toestablishis  towhetherthedeceased wasactingstrange." "Not like "I'm turning myself into a cat" strange." "More like suicide strange." "We learned that she was excited aboutanupcomingsurgery, a,uh,reversenipplectomy." "That'swhere theyaddmorenipples." "(Cat meows)" "I guess" "I don't know-- she wanted more nipples." "The thought of that just makes me want to blow my lunch." "Now,apparently, theex-husbandwasonthehook forthissurgery duetoan alimonyarrangement." "He wasn't happy about it." "That's when he became our primary suspect." "Dennis:" "WasI irritatedby this?" "Yeah, of course I was." "I mean, it was the most expensive procedure yet." "You know, but i-i remained supportive and, uh, kept my cool." "And I never threatened her in any way." "Now, due to the nature of this call, we decided to bring him in for questioning." "(Indistinct police radio chatter)" "Andhecooperated." "Said he wanted to clear his name." "Girard:" "Heansweredeveryquestion." "Even offered DNA samples." "Although he did request to draw his own blood, which is kind of strange." "Mr. Reynolds was forthright." "Charming, quite frankly." "Girard:" "Itwasn'tuntilIreviewed the interrogation footage later thatI sawit ." "Something very unsettling." "24yearson thejob ," "I'dneverseenanything likeit." "Twohours." "Nevermoved." "Neverblinked." "Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it." "Hehadallthe rightanswers, butmyguttoldme thisguywasguilty." "Of something." "Did I kill Maureen?" "No." "Am I glad she's dead?" "Sure." "Narrator:" "Maureen's family was convincedofDennis'sguilt." "(Snorts) Maureen?" "Maureen died three years ago." "Dennis killed bastet, all right?" "And let me tell you something." "He did us all a favor." "You ever seen a grown woman take a dump in a sandbox?" "Narrator:" "Despite conjecture, thequestionstillremained:" "Wasthereanything inDennisReynolds'past thatwouldsuggesthim  capableofmurder?" "Testing." "Testing." "Syphilis." "Syphilis. (Laughs)" "That's... well, yeah..." "Well, he kind of..." "Snapped the neck, uh, off a crow one time a little bit." "But that... but that's not not normal right, you know?" "(Laughs) I mean, it was just like boys being boys." "Yeah." "That..." "Look, we had a totally normal childhood, and..." "Look,Denniswouldn't hurta fly." "No way." "Frank:" "WhateverDeandrasaysisbs." "She's probably just covering for him because she's afraid he's gonna snap her neck like that crow." "(Crow cawing) Dee:" "He didn't just snap it." "Hebrokethething'shead  cleanoff." "Itwasgruesome." "(Snap)" "I still have nightmares about it." "And I'm old." "She told you what?" "No, no, no, no." "No, no." "Look... that crow was injured, and I was simply putting it out of its misery, while, yes, testing the tensile strength of a crow's neck." "Well, yes, there was another crow, but that's because i simply couldn't believe that a crow's neck could be that weak." "Well, yes, there was a third crow, and a fourth, if you must know, but who likes crows?" "Frank:" "Look, if you can kill acrow,youcan killacat ." "(Crow cawing)" "(Echoing):" "Cat,cat,cat..." "That's why I started recording all our conversations." "I suspected frank was probably recording all of our conversations, because of course he would." "But let me tell you something, he was no fan of Maureen's, either." "He was just trying to deflect attention, which is why I started recording all of our conversations as well." "I could have worn a goddamn imax camera around my neck and he wouldn't have noticed." "The old bitch." "And I caught him saying some pretty troubling stuff." "What are we watching here?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Cats, cats." "Is that me?" "Cats." "I'll tell you what to do with cats." "Who shot this thing?" "Dennis?" "Here's what you do with cats." "Back in the sweatshop in 'nam, we found a cat, we tossed it right in the soup." "Those hungry bastards ate cat soup every day." "What's the worst thing that could happen?" "Some little kid choke on a hairball and die." "So then you toss him in the soup." "I was making money hand over foot, literally." "Somebody lost a hand or a foot, I'd toss it in the soup." "(Burps)" "Well, that's all a lie." "(Burps)" "Uh, there was no soup." "(Burps)" "Nope." "There's no sweatshop." "(Muffled burping)" "Excuse me." "I got to go to the can." "(Static crackling)" "Narrator:" "Investigators wanted toverifythetimeline" "Dennis provided to authorities." "Dennis:" "LikeI toldthepolice,uh," "Mac and I were watching a movie back at the apartment, and then I went to the bar." "That's true." "We were watching operation dumbo drop." "We were doing this amazing thing that I came up with, where we watch an old movie, and then I turn the volume down really low and we make wiseacre remarks the entire time." "Yeah, he didn't come up with it." "It's just mysterysciencetheater3000." "It's a spin on that." "It's exactly that." "Well, there's no robots." "So it's worse." "Oh, come on, Dennis." "It's funny." "It-it's not funny." "It's not funny at all, because you can never think of jokes on the fly." "H-he, like, pauses the movie to try and think of something funny to say, and then he never can think of anything funny, so he ends up just saying a line from borat or Austin powers." "It's super annoying and played-out, and it's not funny." "Well, uh, like this." ""Get in my belly."" "But you're never referring to anything when you say it." ""Yeah, baby." "Get in my belly."" "Well, that's two different characters." "That's Mike Myers." "It's not Mike Myers." "It's... it's multiple characters that Mike Myers plays in-in the same movie." "Multiple characters in the same movie?" "What is he, a wizard?" "Look, it's funny, Dennis." "It's not funny." "Are we done with this?" "Can we be done?" "I'm tired of saying the same things over and over again." "Well, wait." "Wh-- hold" " Dennis, d-don't leave without me." "I mean, dude, look, are you mad at me?" "Narrator:" "Investigatorscould findnodiscrepancies inthetimeline." "Butthen..." "Atwist." "He totally could have done it." "Now, supposably, Dennis didn't see Maureen that night, but remember that Maureen was once Dennis's... (Imitates borat):" ""Wife." "Very nice."" "That was borat." "ItwasFriday,payday." "Maureenalwayscame intopaddy's topickup heralimonycheck, asap." "Narrator:" "To avoid confusion, itshouldbe pointedout  thatinabizarretwist," "DeandraReynoldsrefusedto bea partof thisdocumentary unlessweallowedher  toplayMaureen inthereenactment." "(Cat meows)" "Mac:" "And Dennis always made abigshow ofgettingher withthespraybottle." "Youknow, becausecatshatewater." "(Cat yowling)" "So, you see, Dennis totally saw Maureenthatnight." "Charliewasthere." "Why hasn't he spoken up?" "Probably because Dennis..." "Intimidated him." "Oh, I just thought it'd be more dramatic if I..." "Oh, come on, come on." "I didn't lie." "I just left out some facts that are insignificant." "And-and intimidate Charlie?" "Please." "What am I gonna do?" "Call him on the phone and threaten him?" "No, I know." "But, I mean, if Mac's gonna do it, then, you know, I'm gonna do it." "(Bell clanging)" "(Chuckles)" "At this point in the interrogation," "Christ, I was at a loss." "Narrator:" "Furtherinspection ofDennisReynolds'safe revealeda cache ofsuspiciousitems." "(Siren wailing)" "Dennis:" "Awesome." "Narrator:" "So while Mr. Kelly's statements wereclearlyunreliableand  wouldneedto be thrownout , anotherbreakthroughcame:" "Autopsyresults camebackfromthe lab ." "Um..." "Look, is getting groomed like a cat by your ex weird?" "Yep." "Is it illegal?" "(Chuckles) I wish." "Narrator:" "The investigation wasatacrossroads." "Thenanothermassivebreak." "Frank:" "Dennis has an answer foreverything." "Well, answer me this:" "Where's the collar?" "(Camera clicks)" "(Cat meows) Catshavecollars." "Maureen's body didn'thaveacollaronit ." "Killerskeeptrophies." "AllsI 'msaying, find the collar, find the killer." "Narrator:" "This is not the first timethecollarcameup." "DeeReynoldshad,oddly, madethecollaranissue duringfilming." "Dee:" "Hey." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop with the squirting!" "Stop!" "Cool it!" "We said one spray and then my line." "I... it was in my contract that we talked..." "I put one squirt in there for... on purpose." "And this collar!" "I..." "Th-there's something wrong with the collar." "It's driving me nuts." "It... is an actual flea collar?" "You son of a bitch." "I-i really think the water activated some kind of, like, chemical agent." "My-my neck's burning." "Narrator:" "Was the flea collar actuallyburningher, assheclaimed?" "Are you serious?" "Yes, asshole!" "It was burning my skin!" "You want to zoom in on this?" "!" "Narrator:" "Hardtosay." "Butmaybetherewas  anotherreasonsheremovedit." "Frank:" "WhateverDeandrasaysisbs." "She's probably just covering for him because she's afraid he's gonna snap her neck like that crow." "(Crow caws)" "Narrator:" "Maybe Deandra didn'twantto wearthe collar inorderto cover forherbrother andtoestablishthatMaureen neverworeacollaratall." "Wethendiscoveredsomething inthispieceoffootage thatblewthedoorswide open  onthiscase." "Was I a person of interest?" "Yeah." "I am an interesting person." "But at the end of the day, you know," "I'm just some guy with a crazy ex-wife who fell off of a roof pretending to be a cat." "That's the end of it." "All my stories checked out." "I was cleared." "Case closed." "Frank:" "Find the collar, findthekiller." "Findthecollar, findthekiller." "Dennis: ...'Cause a dog iswhoIamnow!" "Wrestling announcer:" "...Hitthereferee!" "Frank:" "Findthecollar..." "Mac (Imitates borat):" ""Verynice."" "Frank:" "Find the collar, findthekiller." "¶ ¶" "guys, this was an open-and-shut case that was shut months ago." "And Maureen never wore a collar." "You guys put that there." "Well, yeah, we needed a big twist at the end to show that you're guilty." "But I'm-I'm not guilty." "What about the security footage of Maureen's death?" "I mean, it shows her prancing around on the roof like an asshole, and then she just falls off." "Charlie:" "People don't want to see that, because it's hard evidence, you know what I mean?" "Yeah." "Charlie:" "Like, it's better to actually sit on that footage until, like, maybe episode ten, and then let people decide then if you're guilty or not." "Ten episo... you're gonna do ten episodes of this?" "Yeah, but then even then we would keep it vague." "I mean, 'cause that's entertainment, you know?" "Someone gets murdered, and then you make a show." "But you never give any actual answers, because that's what people love." "No." "You drag it out." "You rake it all over the victim's family." "It's sort of like eating a bag of chips, you know?" "It's never gonna actually make you full, and at the end you're sick, but you want to go back for more." "You want more chips." "Murder is chips." "Okay, you know what, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I'm gonna find these tapes, and I'm gonna destroy them." "Well, we have backups, so it... oh, you know what?" "Yeah." "That could make a good episode, where he's destroying-- let's think about that, right?" "He's destroying the tapes..." "Mac:" "You know what, that would be" "(imitates borat):" ""Very nice."" "(Mac and Charlie laughing)" "Is that borat?" "Yes!" "See?" "He gets it." "He's laughing." "Yeah, 'cause I know he was doing an impression." "He's laughing." "Okay, wait, uh, let me..." "Let me think of another one." "Let me think of another one." ""I'll be back."" "Charlie:" "Oh... (Stammers) Who is that?" "Who is that?" "(Trio chanting backwards)" "Captioned by mediaaccessgroupatwgbh  who do girls want to have sex with more than anybody?" "Jugglers." "Ju-- dudes who can, like, juggle things." "I know what a juggler is." "Sunny." "All new, wednesdays at 10:00." "Only on fxx." "I am a very dangerous man to know." "Announcer:" "Taboo." "All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx." "(Whirring)" "Announcer:" "Man seeking woman." "All new, wednesdays at 10:30." "Only on fxx." "(Smacks lips)" "I had a little, uh, kung pao chicken in my teeth." "Was it alive?" "I look terrific now." "Man:" "So, is he crazy?" "Man #2:" "He believes he's mentally ill." "But at the same time, part of him knows..." "The power's real." "(Water splashing)" "Take an hour of his time." "Wow." "Look at Stan's yard." "Someone's been busy." "(Chuckles)" "Clearly not in ours." "Maybe Henry can do some work today." "Yeah." "I forget your back is always bad this time of year." "Only when there are leaves" "when did you wash this last?" "(Engine starts)"