"All right, boys." "Meow!" "Don't fight." "Don't fight." "Oh, to the left." "Bring mama home, baby!" "Bring mama home, baby!" "Yes!" " Jazmin!" " Say my name, baby." " Jazmin Nellie Mae Biltmore!" " Oh, yes!" "Full address!" "Fine, but you made me do it." "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yes!" " Ooh!" "What's cooking?" " Soy oatmeal." "Come on." "Get up before you late for work." "Stacey's gonna be down there blowing' any minute... and you need to be ready when she comes." "Hell, I'm trying to come too, but your ass keep waking me up... before I get there, you filthy bitch!" "Damn." "Bitch can't even get none in her own dreams." "Good morning, beautiful." "We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow." "Maybe if you stuck to one of your diets... you could get some in real life." "I hate skinny bitches." "Ever since we were little girls... my cousin Mia was a bone, and I was slightly larger." "While our mothers were out makin' a livin'..." "Grandma Nellie practically raised us as sisters." "But I hated Mia all through elementary school... because she would just stand by and watch as her skinny friends called me names... and terrorized me just 'cause I ain't look like that." "Besides Grandma, my only friend was" "God, please help me lose weight." "But he didn't seem to be listening." "By junior high school, I was a solid 200 pounds... and my school-yard entourage consisted of a whopping three people- me, myself and I." "Life as a skinny girl bull's-eye was pretty much routine... until one day this real prissy girl named Quaniqua Jackson... called me a fat bitch in front of Benji Ross." "Now, it wasn't the first time I'd been called that... but calling me that in front of my future husband, baby, that required action." "I don't know what took over me, but the next thing I knew..." "Miss Quaniqua Jackson was seein' stars." "Now, I learned a very valuable lesson that day, and that was... if I couldn't get respect because I wasn't a stick... then I'd get respect because I was a stone." "What's up, L. A.?" "Good morning." "Time to get up and go to work." "It's another beautiful day in Southern California... and you better leave on time 'cause traffic is a mother." " I'm coming, girl!" " Come on!" " All right." "As soon as I find something to wear." "All right." "Damn it!" "What the hell?" "I swear these clothes are shrinking." "No, porky, your big ass just gettin' fatter." "I'm coming, Stace!" "Damn!" "I need some Crisco." "Oh!" "Is this the wrong hole?" "Wait a minute." "Oh, sh" "Not my sexiest combo, but I still look good." "Too hot for 'em, Jaz." " Child, come on before we get late." " All right." "I ain't gonna carpool with you no more if you can't be on time." "All right, all right, all right, all right, all right." "I couldn't find nothing to wear." "All them clothes in your closet?" "Ain't my fault the stores make all the cute stuff in junior sizes." " That should tell you somethin'." " Yeah, I need to keep sewing my own shit." " Or that fat girls can't wear everything skinny girls can." " I ain't fat." " I'm sexy succulent." " Get in the car." "See, this is why we need to start leaving earlier." "Cookie?" "You know I'm trying to stick to my diet." "Oh, okay, now, if I order an exercise video... and 10 bottles of Metabo Pills..." "I could win me a trip to Palm Springs." "One of them sweepstakes entries." "It's like all them other diet products you got- gimmicks." "All right, but you ain't gonna be saying that when I get bootylicious like Beyoncé." "I think you got her beat in the booty department." "Give me these damn cookies." " Uh, hi." " Hey, sweetie." "Could you tell me which one of these shirts... um, goes better with these jeans?" "Come on, baby." "Let's go get you a money outfit." " Excuse me." "Excuse me, miss." " Yeah?" "Can I get your honest opinion?" " Sure." " Do I look fat in this?" "No, Twiggy, I look fat in this." "You look ugly in that." " It's a perfect fit." " Thanks." "I'll take it!" "I hate skinny bitches." "You took the words right out of my mouth." "That's a damn shame." "Brother know he need to be spending his hard-earned money on a sister." "If I see another white girl with one of our men, I swear I'm gonna shoot somebody." " Better get your gun cocked." " What?" "Oh, hell, no." "O.J. didn't teach you nothin'." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "My hair!" "Did it get me?" "Breathe." "Count to 10." "Breathe." "Count to 10." "Why don't people watch where they're drinking?" "You still look good." "Stay calm." "Here." "Here." "Take my car, go change... and just be back before lunch." "Who can even fit in a size zero?" "A bitch with no ass, no thighs and hips as wide as my forearms." " Come on, girl." "Let's go to lunch." " Can't." "I just sent Kelly." "I need you to go work in the plus-size department until she gets back." "No, Stace, no." "I can't go work in that department." "Look at that pitiful-ass excuse for fashion over there." "Stace, even you don't wear that stuff." "Who do they actually believe is gonna buy that shit?" "See what I mean?" "Now, how's she gonna get a man in that?" "We probably look like that." "But she waddles." "We don't waddle." " Do we?" " Hell, no, we don't waddle." "Now, we might jiggle just a little... but we don't waddle." "Good." "Ooh, Miss Thing!" "I will work the hell out of that top, and I'm straight as an arrow." " You like it, Ramón?" " Girl, I love it." "It is phat." "P-H-A-T." ""Pretty, hot and thick."" " Okay, bitch." "I didn't know where you was goin' with that "phat."" " Thank you." "And while you bullshittin', I heard that man over there..." "And while you bullshittin', I heard that man over there... is the head buyer of the whole Bloomfeld's." "You need to go on over there and show him your sketches and flatter him... into launching you a line, girl." " The one next to dickface?" " Yeah, but I wouldn't call him that when you go over there." "Well, I ain't the one who named him Richard." "Now, how you get "Dick" out of "Richard" anyway?" "You back up very carefully." "You did not hear that." " So y'all think I should go over there?" " Damn right, girl." "Yeah, Jaz, go over there." "Show him your sketches, girl." "Be bold." " Mm-hmm." " Well, come with me, Stace." " No." " See?" "All right, let's do it." "Okay, give me the pound." " Okay." "All right now." " All right, here we go." "Get up on his grille." "Sell him that stuff." "Oh, no." "Yes, Jazmin?" "What can I do for you?" "Well, actually, I wanted to talk to him." "Is that the head buyer of Bloomfeld's?" "And that information is pertinent to you because?" " Well, I want to show him my fashion design sketches." " Absolutely not." "Robert Myer is an extremely busy man... and doesn't have time to entertain your amateur sketches." "Maybe he can just take a look and tell me if I've got potential." "I got this whole book of plus-size designs." "Since our plus-size selection could use some help, I thought he might be interested." "I can assure you he's not." "But he's standing right there." "Can I just talk to him?" "You wouldn't believe how many big women come up to me on the street every day... wanting' to know where I got my outfit from." "And frankly, I don't give a damn." "Look, Jazmin, launching a clothing line is much more than a notion... and takes a lot of things that you don't have." "Now, I have work to do and so do you if you appreciate your job here." "Go..." "Bloomfeld's!" "I'm gonna start my line." "I'm gonna show dickface." "I'm gonna get me a bank loan." "Jaz, girl, you know I'm down for you for whatever... but bank loans aren't easy to get." "They ain't just handing 'em out." "Then I'll do whatever it takes, Stace." " You serious about this, huh?" " Damn right I'm serious." "I'm sorry, Ms. Biltmore, your loan application has been denied." " Denied?" " Uh, due to... insufficient collateral." "Yes, unfortunately, although the home that your... sweet Grandma Nellie left you... is located in what some might classify... as an upper-middle-class neighborhood... uh, the bank classifies it as a high-risk zone." " You mean a "black zone."" " Ms. Biltmore, this is not a race issue." "No, no." "We here at First Plantation Bank are an equal-opportunity lender." "It says so right there on our brochure." "Sir, listen to me, okay?" "Jazmin Biltmore don't beg nobody... but I really need this loan." "And my clothing line is a surefire moneymaker, 'cause big girls like myself... we have a hard time finding trendy clothes to wear." "And consequently, we have a hard time finding dates too, if you know what I mean." "But, um, I didn't come in here to get all up in my personal business... but, Mr. Banker, I ain't been laid in nine months, hear?" "Nine long months." " So if-if you would... give me the loan to help me get my line off the ground... not only will you get your money back twofold... but you'll be helping me solve a very big problem... for a lot of big girls." "Well, Ms. Biltmore, if finding a date is your problem... may I suggest..." "Jenny Craig?" " Excuse me?" " I said, if finding a date is your problem" "I heard what you said." "You wanna say that again, sucker?" "'Cause I will whip your balding ass all around this bank!" "You don't say shit like that to me." " Suggest Jenny Craig?" "Yeah, you can suggest it." " Security!" " Just say it!" " Security!" "Say something!" "Say something!" " If you ever in my part of town, your ass is whupped!" " Take her out of my bank now!" " Don't you ever come in my bank!" " Get me my stuff!" " Where's my toupee?" " You're probably a cross-dresser!" "That's right!" "That's right!" "I ain't scared!" "I ain't scared of your ass!" " I will whup your ass!" " Now, wait a minute." "Jaz, I know you're depressed about the loan... but I think you need to slow down on those drinks." "Okay." "Bartender, give me another shot." "And for her" " Another iced tea." " And do her a favor, baby." "Drive it through Long Island on your way back over here." "And who's gonna drive us home if we're both drunk?" "Not me." "Yes, um..." "I'm gonna have a Cosmopolitan." "Whoo!" "Maybe this, uh, fine brother'll volunteer to drive us home." "You wasn't that cute no way, nucka!" "Somecheering-upsession this night turned out to be." "Stace, pull up at that Fatassburger over there." "Welcome to Fatassburger." "May I take your fat-ass order?" "Yes." "I'm gonna have a Skinny Ass protein burger." "No bun, no mayo." " And a skinny water." " And I'll have" "She'll have what I got." "You're trying to stick to the diet, remember?" "Yeah, I remember." "Uh, look, give me what she got, but while you're at it... make that Skinny Ass protein patty... a Fat Ass double-beef patty with extra mayo... put the bun back on there, slap on some bacon and cheese... and when you done, slide up a chili dog... two Fat Ass fries, a onion ring... a pecan pie and a jumbo chocolate shake." "And I'll have the same." "What, y'all gonna need a garbage bag to haul all that food out?" "Excuse me?" "What, you got too much fat around your ears to hear?" " Ooh." "Oh, you punk." "See, if you want to bag up in here... with your ugly ass, you got to come a lot stronger than that." " Oh, well, let's do it." " Well, let's do it!" "Come on, punk, what you got?" "All right." "You so fat... you can't fall down." "Boo." "You so ugly, your birth certificate... is an apology letter from the condom factory." "All right, well, you so fat... that, uh, you got to sleep on a Texas-sized mattress." "You so ugly, when your mama gave birth to you..." " she named you Shit Happens." " Ooh!" "All right, well, you so fat that you need help... just to get out of bed in the morning." "You worked hard on that one, didn't you?" "You so ugly that your mama got morning sickness after you were born." "Boo-doo." "Pow!" "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "See, you can't quit now, 'cause I'm just gettin' started." "You so ugly, that pimple on top of your mouth... mistook your lips for the crack of your ass." "I believe that's the herpes." "I don't want no damn food from you, Jack!" "Oh, you're bitchin' up on me, Jack!" "You so damn ugly... that every time your mama sees you... she says to your daddy..." ""Damn!" "I should've just gave you head."" "I'm cool, man." "Stacey and Mia, grab our shit." "I guess my cousin told you." "She ain't tell me nothin'!" "And she's still a fat bitch." "Excuse me?" "Did you just call me a" "That's right, I called you a- fat bitch!" "That's my cousin, y'all." "Damn!" "She knocked his ass out cold." "Oh, my God." "Take a picture next time." "It'll last longer." "Mm-mm-mm." "You ever wonder why everybody has somebody else... except us?" "See, Stace, the reason you don't have nobody is the way you dress." "Now, you want a man?" "You know, show a little cleavage or somethin'." "And when's the last time flashing cleavage got you a date?" "Oh, see, you didn't even have to go there." "You're hateful." "Jaz, look around." "You notice what I notice?" "We're the only black people in here." " No, we're the only fat people in here." " Stace... look, don't go there with me, okay?" "I hate when you get like this." "I'm not trying to be depressed today." "Bitch had a hard enough time just gettin' out of bed this morning." "I'm going on break." "You can take your lunch when I get back." "All right." "Keep it together, Stace." "One of us sure need to." "I do waddle." "Hey, this is Jazmin Biltmore... so at the beep, do your thing." "Hi." "This is the Metabo Pill Corporation calling... to inform Miss Jazmin Biltmore that you've won an all-expense paid... travel vacation to a five-star resort..." " in Palm Springs." " Oh, my God!" " Oh, my God, you won!" " To claim your prize, call 555-1212." "You really won." "I can't believe people really do win those things." "A five-star spa luxury resort in Palm Springs." "Oh, I've got so much shopping to do." "I" " I am going, right?" "The mood I'm in, I might not be going." "Okay, that's a joke, right?" "If you don't want it, I'll take it." "I've got some coworkers at the gym." " They would love to go." " Oh, no, Jaz, you going." "You not sticking me alone in Palm Springs with Mia and one of her carrot-nibbling friends." " Oh!" " Stace, I ain't trying to spend a whole week... with a bunch of half-naked, skinny hos flaunting around in dental floss all day." "Forget them, Jaz." "We need this." "If you won't go for you, at least go for me." "And for me, your best cousin." "I'll go for you, Stace." "A good a reason as any." "Palm Springs here we come!" " You need some help?" " Stacey, why don't you" "What are y'all doing?" "Wait the car's moving." "Wait" "Are you okay?" " Did y'all pack all of them?" " Don't scratch my bags." " Palm Springs here we come!" " Here we come." "Whoo!" "Let's do this!" "Now, see, all you have to have is a little faith... 'cause I knew I was gonna win." " I knew I was gonna win this trip." " She knew it." " You were right, Jaz." " I didn't hear you, Stace." " I" " I said, you were right, Jaz." " Damn right I'm right." "Skinny bitches." " Do you smell smoke?" "Oh, my God." "Jesus, I done died and gone to heaven." "Oh, if the lobby looks like this, imagine what the" " The room." " The buffets." "What?" "Have you guys never been to a five-star resort before?" " No." " No." "Well, I'm off to the pool." " You ladies coming with?" " Uh-huh." "Just give me a second to throw a thong up my crack." "I'll be right with you." "Oh, but, Jaz, these deep-tissue massages sound good." "Okay, well, you know, you ladies... y'all gonna have to tell me all about it... because I'm off to find me a rich, handsome gent to spend my week with." " See ya." " See ya later." " All that damn skinny went right to her head." " Right." "One Cherry Blast with a lime twist." "Mmm." "Good." "Thanks." " That be all?" " Yeah." "Mmm." "On second thought, I think I'm gonna have him to go." "Monogrammed." "Girl, this is so much better then that raggedy-ass... piece of terry cloth grandma robe I brought from home." " I like it." " So how you think yours is bad?" "My terry cloth is hanging by a thread." "Pull it." "Pull it." "Wait a minute." "Wait." "Oh, it's gonna see my" "Wait a minute, my... might be out." "Let me see." " Terry cloth." " Terry cloth." "I know you don't expect our big asses... to fit on these little-ass tables." "Mm-mm." "Hmm." "Thought you'd be hitched up with some rich hunk by now." "Oh, I'm working on it... but this puppy is playing a little... harder than usual." "Have you ever seen a man just so damn fine in all your life?" "All I see is arms and legs kicking." "Well, we've been playing eye tag for about an hour now." "The drink-stand worker says he's a doctor." "Oh, my God, girl, look." "He's gettin' out the pool." "Tongue, be still." "Oh, my God, he's coming over here." " How do I look, huh?" "How do I look?" " Like you always look." "Oh, okay." "Perfect." "Mm-hmm." "See, I knew it." "I knew he would finally break." "He wanted this." "He wanted it." "Mmm." "Damn." "Why Skinny always got to get the good ones?" " Good afternoon, ladies." " Good afternoon." " Hi." " Are you all here on vacation?" "One of the many we take throughout the year." "So I hear you're here all the way from Africa for the big medical convention." " Nigeria, to be exact." " Well, isn't that interesting." "You see, I've always wanted to travel to exotic places." "So, tell me, what's it like in Nigeria?" " Hot." " Ooh." " Are you always this intensely quiet?" " Miss Motormouth here?" "Please." " She's the loudest one out of all of us." " Oh, really?" "I find outspoken women very fascinating." "Truth be told, I'm quite the little chatterbox myself." "Chirp, chirp." "Chatter, chatter." "Whoo!" "This heat." "Oh, it's just so treacherous." "Wow, I did not know they made bodies that beautiful here in America." "Oh, you see this body, baby, it wasn't made overnight." "I'm actually a world-renowned aerobics instructor." "Actually, I was talking about your beautiful plump friend here." " Me?" " Her?" "Yes, her." "Close your mouth, child." "Flies might get in." " What is your name?" " Sweet Jesus, what the hell is my name?" "I am Tunde Jonathan." "Pleased to meet you." "Do you have a name?" "Excuse her." "Her name is Jazmin." "It is a pleasure to meet you, Jazmin." "Oh, no, baby, the pleasure is all mine." "Jazmin, what is wrong with you?" "This man is talking to you." "Pardon me, ladies, for being rude, but you are?" "Pissed off." " Mia." " Stacey." "Well, well, well, what do we have here?" "Well, ladies, meet my friends and colleagues." "This is Akibo." "Godwin." "This is Jazmin." "Stacey." "And this is Mia." "Hey, I just thought of a brilliant idea." "Maybe if you ladies don't have plans tonight... you wouldn't mind accompanying us to the fund-raising... party that our native friends are throwing." "Actually, that would be a great idea." "If Miss Jazmin would be my very special guest." " Yes, she will." " And you." " Will you be mine?" " Okay." "Godwin here is very shy in expressing himself... but he would be delighted if you were his guest of honor." "Oh, gao." "Lovely." "Girl, a bitch tongue just got paralyzed." "He is so juicy." "Girl!" "He is so juicy." "Girl!" "He is fine." "My Akibo is quite a hunk himself." "I just want to say..." "I did not come all the way to Palm Springs to get hooked up with Fat Albert." "From the sounds of it, homeboy wasn't digging you too much either." " Really not at all." " "No, gao."" ""Gao!"" "Well, wait until you find out... how domineering and chauvinistic those African men can be." "They want their woman to be completely submissive to them." "And you know what else?" "One of my clients, she happens to be married to this Nigerian guy... and she told me he even wants her to get circumcised." "Shi-Ain't nobody cuttin' on my figgy pudding'." "I'm sure all Nigerian men do not believe in that." "Well, here's my chance to find out." "Stace, how do I look?" "'Cause I could have some green stuck in my teeth, and this heifer wouldn't even tell me." "You put the "P" in "phat," girl." "And the "F" too, but we're not gonna worry about that tonight." " All right." " Go get the door." "Go." " Get the door." "Get the door!" " Okay!" "And you look quite fabulous yourself, darling." "Oh, girl." "Good evening." "You look, uh" "Very nice, he says." "Wow." "We are going to be the envy of every man at the party tonight." " Hello, Jazmin." " Just tell me you do not believe in circumcising women." "Is that a greeting?" "Well, I just want to know before we step out this door." "What if we talk about it in the car?" "Our driver is waiting." "Let's just say that in some remote parts of Nigeria, they do practice it." "But do you believe in it?" "Speak English, now." "Well, the simple answer to your question is no." "Satisfied?" "Baby, I'm not going to be satisfied... till you get me back up in your hotel room tonight." " Welcome." " Welcome." " Welcome." " Welcome." "Welcome." "Yeah, Dr. Tunde." "Akibo." "Where did you find this beautiful, thick Madame from?" "Your wish is my command." " At your service." " Mmm!" "Sister, where is your meat?" "We have got to fatten you up while you are here, huh?" "So, how do you find Nigerian food?" " Tasty." "Thank you." "If you are ever looking for some native attire..." "I'm your man." "Thank you." "Thank-Thank you." "I am glad that you like Nigerian food." " You find it tasty?" " Bump the food." "I wanna taste you, you big, fine-ass African... spear-throwing, lion-hunting..." ""Mandingo" warrior with a king-size" " Thirsty?" " Excuse me?" "Huh?" "Excuse me?" "Why don't we go and get something to drink?" " Okay, okay." "Mm-hmm." " Yes?" "In order to truly enjoy fufu... you have to swallow big chunks at a time." "Dip it in the egusi soup... and swallow." "Ah, ah." "Mm-hmm." "It's okay, right?" "Mm-hmm." "I want to get to know you like no man has ever known you." "Perhaps you need to eat more." "I know exactly what I need to do." "Thank you." "And it's not eat more." "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Oh!" "Ooh, get me the hell out of here, please." "These people are crazy!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the favorite part of the evening- the spray dance!" "What's the spray dance?" "Oh, the spray dance." "It is a tradition where we dance for money." "Uh-oh." "It's about to be a strip show up in this camp!" "Oh!" "Yes, they are inviting you out." " Come on, Stace." " I ain't going out there." "Okay." "Then watch me rack up on the dollars." "We have a saying in my country." ""A pearl is not a pearl... until it's out of its shell."" "And I know, under that shy shell of yours... there is a big, bold woman waiting to burst out... and enjoy life." "Just look at your friend there." "She's only your friend because there's a lot of her... buried inside of you." "That was just a taste of Nigeria." " I hope you enjoyed it." " Oh, I did." "A bitch racked up a hundred dollars doing my number." "Ow!" "Y'all don't know nothing about that, do ya?" "You gotta do me." "You gotta do me." "You are a very rich woman, Jazmin." "Well, I wouldn't call a hundred dollars exactly rich." "But cut me loose a few weeks in Nigeria, and I might be." "I was not speaking in terms of money." "In Africa... a woman's body size is a reflection... of her social status." "The thicker she is, the richer she's presumed to be." "Well, hell, I'm livin' in the wrong country." "I wanna live where they like the fat girls." "Whoa." "But we don't call it "fat."" "The term is "thick Madame."" "Thick Madame." " Mm-hmm." " I like it." "Thank you." "I might sound extremely shallow... saying that on a scale from one to 10... you are the perfect 20." "Wait a minute." "This is too good to be true." " You need a green card or somethin'?" " That's funny." "That don't answer the question." "No." "No." "I do not need a green card." "But I would like to ask you one question." "Yes." "Yes, I will marry you." "Why do you refer to yourself as "bitch"?" "Wow." "Um... it's just an expression." "American girls... we sometimes use it to refer to ourselves or our friends." "It's... a term of affection." "Okay." "Thank you for the explanation... bitch." " Excuse me?" " You see?" "It was not such an affectionate term after all." "Jazmin, I cannot tell you how to express yourself... but you are way too classy of a lady to use such profanity." "Tell you what." "Why don't we change into something a bit more casual?" "And then we'll meet here in 10 minutes." "Okay." "Ten minutes." " Okay." " Okay." "So, I've been wanting to ask you all night." "With a full figure such as yours... why do you hide it under all of this bulky clothing?" "Because, as big as I am..." "I don't need to be showing no skin." "If the decision were mine... you would be naked all the time." "Um." "Oh." " You okay?" " Oh." "This is nice." "I knew you would like it." "Thank you." "Welcome." "So tell me more about your passion for fashion." "I could talk about that all night." "One day, I'm gonna go to Paris." " Paris." " Yes." "Fashion capital of the world." "I did my residency there." "Mmm." "Maybe it's just a silly pipe dream... 'cause it seems everybody and they mama got a clothing line out now." "Whose mother?" "No, it's, um" "It's just another American expression." "Oh." " What'd you say?" " It's French." "I said, "Everything in its own time, my dear." ""It will happen for you when you least expect it..." ""and on that day, you will remember Dr. Tunde... and smile."" "I wish you could see what I see." "So, tell me... when was the last time you had fun?" "Real fun." "Just let go of all of your inhibitions... and live passionately in the moment... with no thought for tomorrow." "Never." "Well, it's time to start living." "How you doing?" "Okay, well, I guess we are here." " Is, uh, this room 334?" " Mm-hmm." "Here we are, back to your room, uh, safe and sound." "I wouldn't want your girlfriends to think that I was a bad doctor... keeping you out too long." "I'm sure they're worried sick about me right now." "Oh, yeah, baby, get thick with it." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Ow, shit." "Well, looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow." "You could've saw me tonight, fool." "Okay." "Oops." "Looks like your necklace is- Let me fix it." "I will be your African queen, your thick Madame... your royal princess, mother of all your babies." "Oh, Tunde." "Beautiful." "Thank you." "Okay, then." "Good night, my American princess." " Good night." " Sleep tight." "More like alone and disappointed." "You too." "I hope I'm not going too fast." "Child, a brother was hittin' it so good... he had me singing the Nigerian national anthem up in there." "Girl, you crazy." "Oh, you think I'm bullshitting'?" "I don't know what kind of African roots... that man put on you to yank you out... that stuffy-ass shell of yours, but I like it." "Dang, Stace, we had to hook up with men... visiting all the way from Africa just to get some love." "Who said anything about love?" "This is a lust thing." "I'm the queen of the world!" "Why do you insist on covering up all of your assets?" "I don't ever want to see you with clothes on again." "I can live without the tail, but the head is the best part." "Can I see it?" "I mean, I see." "I see you ate yours." "You know, back home, when a woman is in the kitchen... cooking fish for her husband, she makes sure that... the eyeball stays in because... it is believed that fish eye gives men extra stamina." " Does it?" " Oh, yes." "Now, speaking' of women in the kitchen... you don't believe that's where her place should be, do you?" " Only when they're not cleaning." " Excuse me?" "Waiter." "Wait." "I am kidding, okay?" "Don't test me, okay, Tunde?" "'Cause I keep my boxing gloves back in the room." "Lord." "Most men will find you very intimidating... but I find you very- but I find you very" "So how was everything?" " Good." "Thank you." " Excellent." "We aim to please." "Is there anything else I can get you?" "No, that will be all." "Thank you." "Dessert menu, perhaps?" "Did you hear what he said?" "No, thank you." "Okay." "Okay." "Well, you and your sister... have a good one." "Sister?" "I'm about to put my foot up her bony ass." "Whoa, whoa!" "Stop, stop." "Come on." " Did you hear" " Relax, relax." "Come on." "Sit here." "Lord, I thought you forgot your boxing gloves back in the room." "Did you hear how that bitch- woman tried to dis me?" "Jazmin, why do her silly comments bother you?" " I mean, I find it quite amusing." " Well, I don't." "And I don't know what you do over in your village, but over here... you just can't disrespect a sister." "I suspect that the real reason why you're angry... it's because you believe that she can compete with you." "Well, she won't be able to as soon as I get down to my perfect size five." "Now, it's not gonna take me long, 'cause I just got this... workout video that will blow Tae-Bo out the water." "Jazmin, you will never be a size five." "And I'm speaking to you as a medical professional." "Your body structure is not made to be a five." "You are beautiful." "So why would you want to fit in with American society's fleeting standard of beauty?" "Because, Tunde, I live here, okay?" "And every time I open up a magazine... or I go to the movies or I see the music videos, all the girls are just" "Hopelessly insecure and incurably unhappy." "There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." "No!" "I have never been so exhausted." "Shall we go for lunch now?" "Oh, forget lunch." "I got all the stuff I need right here." "No, not again." "No." "Hold on, I'm just getting started." "Now, I know what gave me the courage to get my big ass in this bathing suit... but what about you?" "It ain't about courage." "Akibo ripped up every outfit I brought out here." "I ain't got no more clothes." " Girl, you so crazy." "So y'all hooking up tonight?" " Dinnertime." "Well, not that we'll be eating." "What about y'all?" "You know, Stace, I don't get it." "I mean, the chemistry is there, the attraction is bangin'... and the sexual tension is off the hook." "But, for some reason, he won't go there with me." "Because he is gay." "Hello?" " But what do I know?" " Not a damn thing, hater." "Okay, hold up." "Now check out Miss Stace here." "Girl, you got your titties up, your legs showing'." "Mmm." "Now what's gotten into you, child?" " Dr. Akibo." " Dr. Akibo." "Yes, he's in it." "I really like you, Jazmin." "Since the very first time I laid eyes on you..." "I could feel that special connection." "Then, Tunde, why haven't you tried anything, huh?" "Last night it could've been on." "I mean, on." "But you sat there like a lump on a log." "And when you dropped me off at my room, you gave me a handshake." "It was a kiss on your hand." "I was trying to show you respect." "But if you gauge how much a man likes you... by how quick he tried to rip your clothes off... then I'd be happy to oblige you." " My place or yours, baby?" " But, unfortunately... tonight I'll be tied up in a meeting with the president... of the International Medical Association." "But tomorrow I'll be all yours." "Okay." "Well, since I was unable to appease you... with instant gratification, perhaps" "Funnyhowonekiss from the right guy can give a girl... a whole new attitude." "Gloomy one day and sunny the next." "Ooh, harder." "Harder." "Yes." "Yes, Tunde." "Is that avocado?" "Mmm, tasty." "Theworldis finallycomin' around to seein' things my way." "Well- at least some of the world." "Can you pass me one of them cookies?" "Mmm." "Oh, that's the best cookie." "That is the best cook- Pop one of them cookies in your mouth." "That's the best- That's a good cookie." "Oh." "Feeling so damn good, I got a date with myself." "Ooh." "Oh, sweet Jesus." "Let us pray." "Dear Lord, thank you for this blessed opportunity... and help me to know where to start on this wonderful buffet." "And, Lord, most importantly... let my stomach be much bigger than my eyes." "Amen." "Amen." "Girl, dig in." "Ooh, yes, that's what I'm talkin' about, baby." "Just get you some salad, 'cause you been workin' so hard." "Just get a piece of turkey, a little piece of protein." "Little cracker." "This is my crouton." "Baby, chicken on a stick." "Pepperoni." "Hmm, you need company." "Oh, just a couple pieces of quiche, one little brownie, a croissant." "And just one sparerib, okay?" "Oh, Jesus, they got a couple shrimps." "Wish I had a little melted cheese to dip it in." "I am doing so good." "Yes, you are, Jaz." "Hey, Jazmin, what's going on?" "Don't "what's going on" me!" "I thought you were supposed to go to a meeting." " You tryin' to play me?" " No, this is" "And who is she?" "You wouldn't sleep with me 'cause you were so busy sleeping with her?" "Sorry." "We're not sleeping together." "We're just colleagues." "Oh, and, Tunde, did you feed her with the same lines you fed me with?" " Jazmin, you are mistaken." " And what happened to your meeting with the president... of the International Association or medical board or whatever?" "Did that conveniently get canceled too?" "Jazmin, this is the president of the International Medical Association." "Excuse me, Sarah." "Jazmin." "Jazmin, stop!" "What is wrong with you, woman?" "What just happened in there?" "Is it who you are?" "And if it is, then what?" "Then I'll be asking, why are you such a suspicious person?" "Why are you so angry?" "That woman in there- she's a friend, a colleague, like she said." "She's also the wife of a fellow doctor here at the convention." "Well, still, if you're not sleepin' with that woman... it's just a matter of time before you're sleepin' with another one." "What do you want me to do?" "I don't want you to do nothin', Tunde... except just leave me alone, okay?" "No, no, no." "You're gonna have to answer me one question." "Look at me." "What was this between us?" "Was it just a blip in your life?" "I mean, this morning you said that everything was perfect." "And now... everything turned out so ugly." "'Cause maybe I'm ugly." "Okay, I mean, do you see this?" "Look at this." "Look at it." "All of it." "Look at it." "It ain't goin' nowhere." "Nowhere." "And neither are we, okay?" "So let's just stop kidding' each other and say good-bye now." "Then you can go get you a skinny woman." "Jazmin" "Hey, Stace, I'm sorry to interrupt you guys... but I came to tell you I gotta get the hell up outta here." " I gotta go." " What happened?" "Come on, Mia, pack your shit." "We're leavin'." "You ain't gots to tell me twice." "Will you tell me what happened?" "Jaz!" "Move, Stace." "What did Tunde do?" " What did he do, Jaz?" " Nothing." "Nothing, Stace." "It was me, Stace." "It was me." "Me." "It's okay." "You can stay." "I don't want to ruin your trip." "No." "If you're leavin', I'm leavin'." " No, Stace." " Yes." "I knew it was too good to be true." "I knew it was." "That's what I always say." "When it's too good to be true... they must be gay." "What?" "Oh, hi, Madam Piggy Wiggy." "I'm just sittin' here feelin' sorry for myself." "Thought I had a date with Miss Slim Goody." "Turns out she never intended to go out with a fatty like me." "It was all a big joke, and I was the butt of it." "But you don't look like an ass to me, Mr. Fat Man." "Hey, why don't you join me in my pity party" "I mean, piggy party." "Your piggy parties is what got me in this blubbery mess in the first place." "Mmm." "I think I got indigestion." "Hey, this is Jaz." "Hang up at the beep." "Jaz, you've been in that bed... wallowing in your misery for three days, and it's time to snap out of it." "'Cause the way I see it, Akibo was just a preview of greater things to come for me." "And the same goes for you and Tunde" "Message erased." "...had frustrating results... and haven't been able to lose weight on any of the other methods... come on in and sleep that weight off." "Dia-Trim Weight Loss Shoe creates resistance" "Studies have proven that daily exercise is the fastest route to weight loss." "So if you want that perfect bod" "I've tried all types of diets, but nothing will work for me." "They tell me, "Oh, no, not you." "You're not fat. "" "Of course I'm fat!" "Look at me." "I just never imagined that I could get this big." "I don't want to have to eat lettuce!" "Those stupid bags of spring mix piss me off!" "The only thing I am sure of... is that there is no room in this world for fat people." "They should just round us all up and send us to some island." "Hell, that wouldn't even work... 'cause we'd probably end up eating each other." "Jazmin, you will never be a size five." "Jaz, honey, um, I'm steppin' out for a second." "Do you need me to bring you back anything... like some air freshener?" "Bitch, what you say?" "Your room stinks like hell... and it's time that you get back with the program." " I mean, just look at yourself." " I am looking at me." "On second thought, no, I'm not." "You ain't me." "You ain't never been me." "You don't know what it's like to feel my pain." "You ain't never weighed more than a buck oh-five in your life... and you think you feel my pain?" " Huh, bitch?" " Jazmin, are you talking to me?" "Who the hell do you think I'm talkin' to, you bulimic, anorexic bitch?" "Well, geez, you don't gotta get ugly." "Did you just call me ugly?" "Bitch, did you just call me ugly?" "I will kick your" "It's on." "You hear me?" "It's about to be on." "Bitch, you have tortured me and taunted me... made me do things to my body trying to be like you." "What you say?" "What you say?" "Take that!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you for all the times you told me I was fat!" "Oh, my God!" "My cousin has gone mad!" "She's trying to kill me!" "Never be a size five!" "I won't!" "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, somebody shut that fat bitch up!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "God!" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Grandma." "Grandma?" "Grandma!" "Look at me, Grandma." "Grandma." "Grandma." "Grandma." "You are beautiful." "Inside and out." "You're beautiful, sugar." "I'm beautiful." "I am." "I am." "I am." "I am beautiful." "All of me." "I love me." "I love me." "I love me." "You are a diamond, girl." "And don't you ever forget it." "Hello." " Is it okay to enter?" " Come on in, girl." "Ooh!" "I'm sorry, Jaz." "I didn't know you was dressing'." "I'll come back." "Oh, no, it's all right." "I wasn't gettin' dressed." "I just felt like bein' naked." "Oh, okay." "Oh, um, okay." "Shoot, for a minute there yesterday, girl..." "I thought you had lost your mind." "Oh, my God, Jaz." "What happened to your room?" "Just a little bit of spring cleaning." "It smells so good, and it looks so clean." "You sure you're all right?" "I am "fat-tabulous."" " Yes, you are." " Yeah." "Mmm." "I love you." "I love you too." "And I'm sorry about your head." " You want me to show you how it feels?" " No." "Ooh, Stace, that's my cut!" "Come on." "Come on." "All night." "Yeah." "What's goin' on?" "Oh, it's nothin'." "Just two fat bitches." "Ooh." "Jaz?" "Oh, I got this." "What did you say?" "I said it's just two fat bitches." "Yeah, did she stutter?" "You know, the only thing stopping me from putting my size 10 foot... up y'all bony asses is the fact that I know, as pretty as you girls are... if you got to clown somebody else just to feel good about yourselves... then you must feel pretty damn ugly inside." "And if that's the case, do me a favor-stop hatin'." "'Cause I'm plump like a roast and thicker than most." "Hah!" "Ooh-ooh!" "Ooh-ooh!" "Ooh-ooh!" "Girl, they are jammin'." "Hey, ladies, what you drinkin'?" "Give us something sexy." "Two somethin' sexy's comin' up!" "Ooh, Miss Stace!" "Sexy." "Feelin' sexy." "You want to dance?" "He obviously doesn't remember us, Stace." "See, the last time we were here..." "I recall you laughing at us... when we asked you to be a gentleman and drive us home." " Right." " I did?" " Mm-hmm." " Damn, what was I thinking?" "The same thing I'm thinkin' right now." " See ya!" "Peace." " Peace." " Yes, baby." " All right." " You know what?" "I got this round." " Uh-uh." "I got it." "Actually, ladies, those two gentlemen over there got it." "Oh." "Oh, child, we got some mens buying' us drinks and things." "Okay, okay." "I want the chocolate coffee." "No cream, no sugar." " How you doin' ladies?" " Hey." "I would love to dance." "All right, let's do it." "Cha-cha." "Ooh, I love this dress." "It's pink." "It's fresh." "Hey, y'all, welcome back!" "How was the vacation?" "Hey, y'all, welcome back!" "How was the vacation?" " Life-changing." " Ooh, ooh, I see." "Girl, you got two eyes instead of four." "Look at those knockers." "Mama said knock me out." "Now, bitch, give me all the juicy details." " A good girl never kisses and tells." " Ooh!" " So where do you want me to start?" " Okay." "Excuse me." "Can we get some damn help around here?" "Is anybody working here?" " Anybody?" " Ramón." " Customer." "How can I help you?" "Jaz, go help them." "I need to do inventory." "Yeah, can you tell me why everything in this department matches my living room set?" " That's what I wanna know." " Mm-hmm." "Well, ladies, unfortunately I can't, because" "Because the only person that can answer that question... is that man right over there." "Why don't we go ask him?" "Can you give me a sec?" "Ramón!" "I saw it comin'." "Ladies, follow me." "All right." " Excuse me." " Yeah, I do." "That's a bangin' dress she's got on." " Oh, I'd wear the hell out of that, girl." " Yes, Jazmin, what is it?" "Dick, these ladies have a question for you... and I have a question for him." " But you can't" " Watch me." "Okay, 4:00 is good." "Hi." "I'm sorry to disturb you." "My name is Jazmin Biltmore." " I understand you're the head buyer at Bloomfeld's." " I am." "Excuse me." "Are you gonna help us or not?" "Oh, I'm sorry, ladies." "How can I be of assistance?" "We'd like to know which rack she got her dress from." "Well, I'm not exactly sure." "Why don't we go ask her?" "See, I'm an aspiring fashion designer, and I was wondering" "Jazmin, need I remind you that you're on the clock and should be assisting customers?" "Now, these ladies would like you to go and show them... which rack you got your outfit from." " Oh, that is not one of ours." " No." "Actually, I designed it and made it myself." " You made that?" " You made that?" "That is fly!" "It's got a lot of flavor." "It is sexy yet professional." "Classy yet... sassy." "And this was last season's design." "There's a lot more where this came from." "Dang,girl,yougottahook  your big sisters up." " Just say how much." " Has anybody seen these?" "Well, I asked Dick the last time you were here... if I could show them to you, but he said you would never... be interested in my amateur sketches." " This Dick?" " This Dick." " So you saw these sketches?" " Well" " And you held them back from me?" " Not exactly." "Richard, you and I have got to talk." "I agree." "She's got potential." "Potential?" "Potential is someone who's on their way." "She's arrived." " Mr. Myer" " Please, call me Robert." "Let's go have a little chat." "Ladies, what can I do for you?" " Nothing." " Nothing." " Nothing." "Robert, I need you to say to me in plain English exactly what you're saying... before I jump up and down and make a total fool of myself." "Have a seat." "In plain English, what I'm saying is... your fashion sense is simply... amazing." "If you allow me to test-market your designs and they do well..." "I will see to it by this time next year... your line is in every major department store in the nation." "Miss Biltmore." "Miss Biltmore?" "You can jump up and down and make a total fool of yourself now." "Oh!" "Oh, Stacey!" "Baby, y'all should have seen Dick's face." "Yes, he was dick-faced." " Dickface was dick-faced." "What is the name of your line gonna be?" "Thick Madame." " To the thick Madames!" " To the thick Madames!" "To the thick Madames!" "To the thick Madames!" "To the thick Madames!" "Go, Stace!" "Go, Stace!" "This is fabulous!" "Hello?" "Miss Biltmore, Robert Myer." "Yes?" "It'sthistimenextyear ." "I'm launching you nationally." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my-Thank you." "Thank you so much!" "Oh!" "Thank you, and no, I am not a thick Madame." "Thick, no." "Madame, ooh, maybe." "And now for the moment you've all been waitin' for." "Help me welcome all the fabulous thick Madames!" "Theycame,theysaw , they even sashayed." "That's right!" "Go, Thick Madame!" "Aren'ttheybeautiful?" "Aren't they opulent?" "Aren't they lovely?" "Absorb them." "Love them." "Take them in." "Who are they?" "They are the uptown models." "They are the girls that fly!" "Love you, Thick Madame!" "They are here to work it." "This is the fashion line for the uptown hot mama." "Ladies and gentlemen, this ain't no "Lame" Bryant." "Fashion that will blow you away." "Go Stacey!" "Yes!" "Thank you." "Thank you, ladies!" "Help me welcome the legendary, the one, the only... the queen and my girl, Miss Jazmin Biltmore." "Thank you." "Thank you all so much." "Ooh, I just want to say that this night is not just a celebration for me... but for all the full-figured women of the world- black, white, Asian, Latina." "It's a new day." "From this day forward... plus-sized women of America will have a fashion line... that we, too, can be proud of." "And to all the people who think we got a weight problem... no, baby, we ain't got a weight problem." "You just got a problem with our weight." "We've been called fat, chunky, chubby, porky, piggy... every name you can think of." "They even took the name "phat." But we're gonna take it back." "Because "P-H-A-T" means "pretty, hot and thick."" "Big women in the house, we are the bellies of the ball." "So stand the hell up and take a bow." "Yes!" "Let's make Thick Madame wonderful." "Let's make history." "I love you all." "Thank you so much for making my dream come true." "Thick Madame!" "Thick Madame!" "Thick Madame!" "Thick Madame!" "Itwillhappenfor you  when you least expect it... and on that day, you will remember Dr. Tunde and smile." "Thank you, Tunde." "Well, Jaz... it took lots of sweat and tears... but you finally got your dream." "Yeah." "I got it." "So, are we goin' to the club to celebrate, or what?" "This celebrating queen is not gonna hang out with y'all right now." "I am just tired." "I'm exhausted." "I need to get some rest." "Aw, come on." "You can't be a party pooper on the biggest night of your life." "Y'all go ahead." "Y'all go ahead." "I'm okay." "Go have a good time." "Really." "All right." "If you insist." "All right." "Yeah." "Y'all can't sneak up on a fashion designer." "What?" "Sorry, but I know you didn't think we could go party without you." "Child, come on." "If you don't want to go to a club, we can go eat or something." "No, I don't have too much of an appetite." "Y'all go on." "Now, that's a... first." "Jaz, we gotta go somewhere." "How far are y'all willing to travel?" "I guess I use this big thing to knock?" " Yeah." " Okay." "Okay." "Okay." " My breath okay?" " Mm-mm." "Well, you ain't gotta make that face." "Damn." "Okay." "Okay, here." " Okay." "You think he gonna like my hair?" " Fierce, baby." " Um" " Yes?" "Hi." "Are-Are you Dr. Tunde's wife?" "Yes." "Yes." "Dr. Tunde." "Dr. Tunde baby." "Okay, I don't mean to disrespect you or your household, ma'am... but, um, I'm an old friend of Tunde's... and I traveled here all the way from America... and, um, I just wanted to know if I could say hi." "Would that be okay?" "Damn." "Hmm." "Well, I guess I won't be needing this." "Y'all go wait in the cab." "I, uh, want to get rejected in private." " You sure?" "All right." " Yeah." "All right." " Jazmin?" " Tunde." " Am I dreaming?" " No, you're not dreaming." "Um, I'm really here." "And I'm sorry to show up at your home unannounced... but I didn't think you would take my call, so I just" "I took a chance, and I thought I'd come by to- to see if you can look at this broken fingernail." "So you flew 8,000 miles to ask me to look at a broken fingernail?" "Yeah, because, I mean, it could get infected." "And a girlfriend of mine, she had to get her whole hand amputated." "Well, maybe that's not the only reason I came." "Truth is, Tunde, um, I flew all this way to- to say I'm sorry." "And I know it's too late to win you back... but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me." "And I just want you to know if, uh- if you ever regret meeting me, I don't regret meeting you... because it changed my life." "And, Tunde, you helped me see things that no other man was able to." "You were offering me so much, but I didn't love myself... and I couldn't understand why in the hell you wanted me... so I couldn't love you." "But thanks to you, Tunde, I'm" " I'm a different person." "And I hope one day I will" "I will find another man as wonderful as you." "That's all I came to say." "Jazmin, thank you." "And tell your wife I am so sorry for barging in on y'all like that." "I mean, I may be a lot of things, but I'm no home wrecker." "My wife?" "The last time I checked, I was still a single man." "The woman that answered the door ain't your wife?" "Heavens no." "She's one of the housekeepers." " And her baby?" " I delivered the baby... but had nothing to do with the conception." " But she said" " Well, I doubt she said much of anything." "She doesn't even speak English." "Hey, y'all, it was a false alarm!" "He ain't married!" "She was the maid!" "Okay." "So" " So, why ain't no woman snatched you up yet?" "I was waiting on you, Jazmin." "I never stopped thinking about you." "I prayed that one day we would meet again... and you will accept how beautiful you are and let me love you." "Well, looks like my prayers have been answered." "Jazmin, if you will have me" "Have you?" "Tunde, will you have me?" "Oh,whoa,whoa.whoa!" "Consummate!" "Consummate!" "Y'all get our stuff." "We staying' awhile." "Whoo-hoo!" "Sheneedssome sexual healing, Tunde!" "I think I can arrange that." "Let us pray." "Thank you, Precious Lord, for this food... and for our visitors here." "Thank you, Jesus Christi... for bringing our American children safely to their homeland in Africa." "Bless us all." "Ashe, ashe, ashe." "Ashe." " Ashe." " Please help yourselves." " Ashe." " Please help yourselves." "More food is coming." "Mmm." "Oh." " This is pretty good." " Child, are you all right?" " Mm-hmm, I'm good." " I've never seen you eat this much food in your life." "I'm trying to gain me some weight so I can be a thick Madame too... so I can get me a rich Nigerian doctor." "so I can get me a rich Nigerian doctor." "Pass me some of that fufu he feeding' you." "Can I have some?" "Are you gonna eat that?" "I am." "I need it." "Wait." "Wait." " What is it?" " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I have been waiting far too long... for this moment for us to do it in the dark." "I want to see every... sexy... bit of you." " Yes?" " Yes." " But what about them?" " Who?" "Them." "Oh." "Them." "Uh... for all of you freaky-deaky, nasty-minded voyeurs out there" "It's voyeur." "It's French." "Okay, them too." "Y'all too." "For all of y'all out there wanting to see Jaz finally get her groove on- well, this is PG-13." "So if you wanna see some more freaky deaky... go home and be with the one you love." "go home and be with the one you love."