"* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear this same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Saucy flappers in cloche hats" "* Natty chappies in white spats" "* The upper set is going bats" "You rang, m'lord?" "Ivy?" "I think I've got it working." "What?" "My crystal set, come and have a listen." "I haven't much time, I've got to serve the tea." "This won't take a minute." "Ooh." "How does it work?" "Well, this is a crystal." "And you have to touch the right part of it with this, the cat's whisker." "We haven't got a cat." "Did you get it from the one next door?" "No, it's just a bit of wire." " Ooh." " You mustn't touch the crystal with your fingers, otherwise it won't work." "I'll see what I can get." "Does this wire go straight through to the BBC, like a telephone?" "What did you say?" "Does this wire go to the BBC?" "No, there's wireless waves all around us in the ether." "They're everywhere." " Yes, but..." " Shhh, I got it." "(Faint voice and interference)" " Let's have a listen." " 'Ere you are." "What's he talking about?" "It's the fat stock prices." "What's that?" "Tells you how much you get if you sell a pig." "Ohh, isn't that wonderful?" "Yeah, it's amazing." "It's a miracle." "Ooh, what else can you hear?" "Chamber music, morning prayers, midday prayers, evening prayers, the news" " and talks." " What about?" "All sorts of different things." "Like philosophy... and Greek people." "And I heard one the other day on farming implements used by ancient Britons." "That sounds ever so boring." "Don't they have anything jolly on?" "Oh, no, it's not supposed to be entertainment." "Oh, I see." "Well, why can't they have jazz bands and funny comedians?" "You couldn't have things like that on the BBC." "What are you two doing?" "Why aren't you getting the tea ready, Ivy?" "I'm sorry, Mr Twelvetrees," "Henry was giving me a listen to his crystal set." "It's wonderful." "The voices come from out of the air." "Do you like the wireless?" "Not much, could give people ideas." "If anyone can listen it could be dangerous." "What's to stop a Labour politician talking about socialism?" "Quite right, Mr Twelvetrees, where would it all end?" "But his lordship's going to be one of the governors of the BBC." "Then I'm sure he'll prevent anything inflammatory being broadcast." "There's no doubt about it," "Dickie Metcalfe has swept me off my feet." "I'm just madly and hopelessly in love." "Has he got any money?" "Rolling in it." " His father owns half Ceylon." " Oh?" "Who owns the other half?" "He's not a bit ostentatious." "He's very vague about money." "We were at the Savoy last night and he forgot his wallet, so he wrote a cheque on the waiter's shirt front, on his dicky." "Everybody roared, he's such fun." "Excuse me, sir, it's four." "Shall I serve tea now or await his lordship?" "No, no, serve it now, I'm starving." "Tell Mrs Lipton I want heaps of cucumber sandwiches." "And I want egg and cress." "You will get as fat as butter" "I don't care." "Dickie thinks I'm cuddly." "I'll give Mrs Lipton your instructions." "Where's Daddy gone?" "He's having lunch at Savoy Hill with that Scottish chap who runs the BBC." "I wish they'd jolly up the programmes, something better than the Gershwin- Parkinson Quintet and chamber music." " Good afternoon, sir." " Good afternoon." "James is serving tea in the study, sir." "Oh, good, I could do with a cup." "May I enquire if you've had a successful meeting?" "No, it was rotten." "Never mind, sir." "There's Mrs Lipton's most excellent cherry cake for tea." "Oh, good." "(Sighs) I hope tea won't be long." "I've got a meeting of the United Workers Party." "How can they meet in the middle of afternoon?" "Because they're all out of work." "Ah." "Hello, George." "The BBC give you a good lunch?" "No, awful." "Thin cockieleekie soup, boiled fish, and jelly." "What did you have to drink?" "Jug of water with one lump of ice in it." "The central heating was turned off and all the windows were open." "That man Reith lives like a Trappist monk." "Then why did you go?" "The Prime Minister suggested I might like to be on the board of governors and he wanted me to meet this man, Reith, because he is the director general." " But why do you want to do it?" " It's a sort of honour, Poppy." " (Knock at door)" " The afternoon tea, m'lord." "(Poppy) Oh, goodie, I'm starving." "That man Reith is an absolute fanatic." "He said the BBC should be run by men of trust, honesty, and moral integrity." "Then he asked me if I said my prayers at night." "Do you?" "It's none of your business, Teddy." "It was none of his either." "And I told him so." "There was a long silence, he had another glass of water and then started picking his teeth with a dead match." "Don't tell me he was smoking." "No, he was going to light the gas fire and thought better of it." " Would you like James to pour, sir?" " Yes, thank you." "Then he asked if I was in touch with the man in the street." "Let's face it, Daddy, you're not." "I speak to the paper boy at the corner." "He says, "Star, News or Standard" and he says, "Standard"." "Nonsense." "We talk about the weather." "Sometimes he says, "Cor, it's parky out tonight, guv'nor."" "And you reply, "Cor, it would freeze the whiskers orf a brass monkey," ""and that's a fact."" "Don't be facetious." "I speak to all sorts of common..." "I mean ordinary people." " I speak to you, Stokes." " Yes, sir." " Speak to you, James." " Yes, sir." " And you, Ivy." " Yes, m'lord." "Well, there you are, then." "It's so wonderful to see democracy in action." "You've never 'eard such rubbish in all your life." "Democracy?" "He doesn't know the meaning of the word." "What does it mean?" "It means, Henry, government of the people, for the people, by the people." " Is that what we have?" " Yes." "Ooh, that's good, isn't it?" "If you ask me, it's government of the people for the nobs, by the nobs." "Finish your tea and get on with the beans." "May I remind you, it is the nobs, as you call them, who pay your wages." " Afternoon." " Hello, Constable." "I see you've started tea." "Any left in the pot?" "Yes, of course, Constable Wilson." "You come and sit down and make yourself comfortable and I'll pour you out a cup." " That's very nice of you, Mrs Lipton." " Don't mention it, Constable Wilson." "You're always welcome in my kitchen." " Would you like to undo your collar?" " Oh." "Yes, you are putting on a bit of weight, Constable." "It's Mrs Lipton's cooking does it." "And all the rest of the cooks in the street." "Not one of them can touch you, Mrs Lipton." "Oh, thank you, Constable." "Two sugars, isn't it?" "Yes, please." "I'll stir it for you." "Yes, I'm sorry I'm late," "I apprehended a bunch of Gypsies selling lavender and clothes pegs." "You can't have that sort of thing in a district like this." "Where would it all end?" "I kicked the Gypsy king up his backside and told him what he can do with his lavender and clothes pegs." "You have to be careful with Gypsies, if you upset 'em they put a curse on you." "I don't believe in all that rubbish." "What's that growing out the top of your 'ead?" "When I was your age, if I talked to my elders like that my father took off his belt to me." "How did he keep his trousers up?" "How dare you talk to the constable like that?" "It's thanks to him that I can sleep snug in my bed at night." "(Knock at door)" "That'll be them Gypsies again." "I'll sort 'em out." "I told you to shove your lav..." "Ooh." "Hello, m'lady." "Are there any cats about?" " I beg your pardon?" " Cats, man, cats." "I'll go and see." "It's Lady Lavender." "She wants know if you've got a cat." "Quick, Henry, put that blancmange in the pantry." " (Henry) Too late." " Is the coast clear?" "Yes, there's no cat about." "What's that policeman doing here?" "I've been chasing off some Gypsies, m'lady." "Oh, pity, I could've done with some new clothes pegs." "Should Ivy take the cage to your room?" "No." "There." "Now...what do you think?" "Why do you need another parrot, m'lady?" "It's a wife for Captain." "It's time he got married and left home." "I'm fed up with him sponging on me." " Be careful with her." " Yes, m'lady." "(Lady Lavender) Ooh." "Ooh, that looks nice." "Oh." "Ooh." "Constable, bring it up to my room later." "Henry, get a damp cloth and go up with the constable." "I'm not going up there." "I can't apprehend Gypsies, covered in blancmange." "Erm..." "Oh, where shall I put him?" "It's not a him, it's a her." "Oh, yes, of course." " Put it on the bed." " Shall I take the cover off?" "Not until I tell you." "We've got to make it as though they're meeting in the jungle for the first time." "Make some jungle noises." "You what?" "You know what jungle noises sound like, don't you?" "No." "(Sighs) Where were you born, girl?" "Rotherham." "What sort of noises did they make there?" "Depends what time it is." "Wait a minute, I've got an idea." "Now... if you take the cover off and I part the bushes, then it will look as though Captain is meeting his mate for the first time." "Now..." "Right!" "Hello, old bat." "Doesn't seem to be interested." "Why don't you put him in the cage with her and see what happens?" "Good heavens, no!" "They're not married!" "I'm not having any of that sort of thing." "I'll ask the bishop to perform the wedding ceremony." "(Parrot mimics wolf-whistle)" "She's whistling at him." "Oh, just fancy!" "That's what I did the first time I saw Captain Dolby." "(Laughs)" "Oh." "Excuse me, George, it's time to change for dinner." "Oh, no, you don't." "Sit down." "Now, why have you been avoiding me, Teddy?" " I haven't." " Yes, you have, ever since Madge Cartwright came to dinner." "Have you put her maid in the family way?" "Certainly not." "So, why did you faint when Madge said she thought Rose was in trouble?" "It was the hot soup." "Rubbish." "I'm not making any more settlements." "Five little Teddies running about is quite enough." "Kensington Gardens is full of them." "I have not laid a hand on Rose." "It's not your hand I'm worried about." "How dare you?" "Rose is a pure, shiny-faced girl, smelling of carbolic soap." " She's saving herself." " What for?" "Me." "If Reith hears about this, he won't allow me through the doors of the BBC." "You're not going through anyway." "He said you don't know anything about the man in the street." "Yes, I've been thinking about that." "I'm going to invite some of the workers from the Union Jack rubber company to dinner." " You're what?" " I'm going to invite them to dinner." "Then I can casually remark to the PM," ""I spoke to my foreman the other night at dinner."" "This will get back to Reith, and that will be that." "What happens if your poodle-faking with Agatha gets back to Reith?" "It won't, because all concerned know how to keep their mouth shut." "Yes." "The freemasonry of the fornicators." "lnviting your workers to dinner, George?" "You must've taken leave of your senses." "Daddy wants to get to know the man in the street." "Respectable neighbourhoods do not have men in the streets." "Your grandfather would turn in his grave if he hadn't drowned in the Bosphorus." "You're patronising them." "Workers do not like being patronised." "They'll get a damn good dinner." "Yes, we'll give them a jolly good meal." "Shepherd's pie and stout." "That's what workers like, isn't it, Stokes?" "Yes, m'lord." "All in, I prefer fish and chips." "Ooh, I like fish and chips." "Ivy, leave the room." "No, let her stay." "After all, she is a worker." "Come here." "If I invited you to dinner, what would you like to eat?" "Tomato soup out of a tin." " Make a note of that, Stokes." " Very good, m'lord." "Then, fish and chips with salt and vinegar, and pickled onions." "What about dessert?" "Tinned peaches topped up with condensed milk." "It's my favourite." "It's my favourite too." "Only we never have it." "Ooh, and a bottle of raspberryade." "What do you think about those, Stokes?" "I think perhaps we ought to have some stout as well, m'lord." " Morning, family." " Morning." "Look what I've got." "I do hate all that nail varnish, looks as though your hands are dripping in blood." "No, the ring, Daddy." "Dickie asked me to marry him last night." "And I accepted." "Dickie Metcalfe?" "He never asked me." "He doesn't want to marry you, George." "Don't be so silly, Daddy, it's 1927." "No one asks permission these days." " Coffee, Miss Poppy?" " Yes, please." "Doesn't it dazzle you, James?" " Very nice, miss." " That'll be all, Stokes." " Very good, m'lord." " But is he from a good family?" "You mustn't rush into this, Poppy, we hardly know the man." "Don't look so down in the mouth, James." "Even if she is married, she can still carry on with you." "Please, Mr Twelvetrees, put Dad down!" "He disgusts me." "You've got a mind like a guttersnipe." "It was an awful thing to say, Dad." "Let's be realistic, if James plays his cards right," "Miss Poppy could take him on as a butler." "I'm not suggesting anything improper might occur." "But he's there if she wants him." " Shh." "Be quiet." " (Meldrum) Well, I won't have it..." "He's going on at Miss Poppy hammer and tongs." "Quite right, we know nothing about this Dickie Metcalfe." "(Bell rings)" " Morning, Stokes." "Is she ready?" " They are all at breakfast." "I'll inform Miss Poppy that you are here." " (Both) Morning, sir." " Morning." "Mr Metcalfe to see Miss Poppy, m'lord." "Come in, Dickie." "This way, please, sir." " Oh, er..." " I'll take care of your racquet, sir." "And I'll hold your balls." "If he's as rich as Miss Poppy says he is, why is he driving that mucky old car?" "I don't know, but he's ever so dashing." "You can't blame Miss Poppy being swept off her feet." "Especially when he gives her a ring with a great big stone like that." "lsn't it lovely?" "Well, if you like that sort of thing." "I don't, personally." "Put this in water for me, please, James." "Thank you, Ivy." "Come on, Dickie." "I know you're going to thrash me, but I don't mind." "Sorry about the car, it was meant to be being..." "There's something not quite right about him, James." "What do you mean?" "He's lovely." "I smell a confidence trickster." "Takes one to know one." "Wonder what old Foster wants to see us about." "I bet he'll suggest another wage cut." "Keep calm, Jock." "You can't be sure of that so don't fly off the handle." "You know what you're like." "As union leader, it's up to me to anticipate the boss's dirty tricks." "It could be about the darts team." "That double 13 you got, it were a knockout." "It was good, wasn't it?" "One dart, straight in." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "Come in, please." "(Clears throat) Now, sit down, please." "Before you say anythin', if Meldrum wants to try another wage cut, I've got news for him." "We are not havin' it!" "Stop, Jock." "He doesn't mean it, Mr Foster." "We've had a lot of trouble with the extruder this morning." "It's been scattering hot rubber all over the place." "It's the impurities, they bung it up." "We are not concerned with that, Mr Barnes." "Nor with wages, Jock." "Now, something rather unusual has happened." "Lord Meldrum has invited us to dinner tomorrow night." " What's the catch?" " None." " Do we get overtime?" " No." " What caff are we going to?" " It is at his home" " Ooh." " Why?" "That's what I want to know." "I suppose he just wants to get to know us better." "Wait till I tell Olive I've been asked to his lordship's for dinner." " Wives are not invited." " Ooh, no." "Of course not, no." "But fancy, me, dining in a great house." "Wonder what the food'll be like." "You take it from me, they do themselves proud." "Six or seven courses, all fancy." "Lots of..." "different-coloured wines." "Flunkies." "I just thought, we'll 'ave to dress up." "Yes, I thought of that too." "It is a bit of a problem." "I have my own dinner jacket, of course." "So have I, Mr Foster." "I do a bit of conjuring', you see, at the Masonics." "What about you, Jock?" "Don't worry about me, I've got the one I wear in the band." "Oh, yes." "Yes, of course." "Yes, he..." "You play the saxophone with the Sophisticated Seven." "Aye, and I croon a bit." "What about all them sequins on your lapels?" "If you cut 'em off it'll take hours to sew 'em back on." "I've got a plain one." "Well, that's settled, then." "We all dress for dinner." "I'm not coming to the dinner party, George." " I'll dine at my club." " No you won't, I need you there." "But I can't face it, it's so embarrassing." "Particularly for them, they'll feel like fish out of water." "It's up to us to put them at their ease, and to anticipate the hurdles." "In the first place, they won't have dinner jackets, so we'll wear old clothes." "I haven't got any old clothes." "I throw them away." "I'll lend you something." "We'll have plain food so they don't worry which knife and fork to use." " What will we talk about?" " Well, definitely not politics." "Stick to sport, music hall, and what sort of pubs they go to." "I don't know anything about pubs." "I only go to cocktail lounges." "Teddy, you are the giddy limit." "Never heard anything like it in all my life." "Tinned soup, fish and chips, tinned peaches and tinned cream!" "If anyone gets to hear about this I shall be the laughing stock of the entire street." "Ooh, 'appy memories." "Last time I 'ad fish and chips was when my old man took me to Southend for the day." "We 'ad a few drinks, and then this girl come up to him with a hat which said, "Kiss me quick"." "So he did." "I hit him on the head with a threepenny stick of rock." "He's never been the same since." "Good job it weren't a sixpenny one, you would've been had up for murder." "I never seen you cookin' fish and chips, Mrs Lipton." "I'm not even allowed to do it now." "They're going to send out for it." "Fancy inviting people of that class to dinner." "It's against nature." "Six quarts of stout and six quarts of raspberryade." "Oh, how awful." "Where will it all end?" "That's what I always say." "How you gonna serve the raspberryade?" "In a crystal decanter?" "You can't do that, it'll lose all its fizz." "I'm not a accustomed to serving the working classes." "Perhaps Mr Stokes could enlighten us." "It's an insult." "One of these days them upstairs'll be drinkin' raspberryade and we'll be drinkin' Château Lafite." "You were drinkin' it last night." "The drawing room." "Where's Ivy?" "Gone out to get a bottle of tomato sauce." "Oh, the shame of it!" "A bottle of tomato sauce in my kitchen!" "I expect they'll have finished coffee by now." "Come on, James." "I'm afraid I'm on the scrounge again, George." "It's my distressed gentlewomen." "We need a carpet for the upstairs corridor at the home." "They have to go to the bathroom on bare boards." "How much d'you want?" "12 pounds, 15 shillings and sixpence." "Wouldn't it be cheaper to buy them slippers?" "I'll write you out a cheque." "You rang, m'lord?" " More coffee, Charles?" " No." "No, thank you." "If I have too much, it makes me overactive." "We can't have that." "Take it away, would you?" "Teddy, have you decided on a date for your wedding to Madge Cartwright?" "Things are rather...fluid at the moment." "It warms my heart to see a young couple standing in front of me at the altar - well, a fairly young couple - and then the groom, saying in a loud, clear voice, "I do."" "Ah, Charles, I'm glad you're here." "Will you marry my parrot?" "I beg your pardon." "She's got a girl parrot for her boy parrot and she wants to make it legal." "Humour her, Charles." "I'm afraid the Church of England does not marry parrots." " Then you're no good to me, then." " (Doorbell)" "Sorry about that." "I don't know what we're going to do with her." "What a charming idea, marrying parrots." "Answer the door, James." " Good afternoon, Miss Poppy, sir." " Hello, James." "I trust you had an enjoyable game of tennis." "We changed our minds, Mr Metcalfe took me rowing." "He knows all the secret places where you can tie up." "It's so secluded you could get up to anything." "She's sayin' all those things for your benefit." "You're gonna lose her, if you don't do something." "How can you lose what you haven't got?" "But you could have her." "If you played your cards right, you could lead her up the aisle." "Never, we come from two different worlds." "Two different worlds very often end up in bed together." "You stay at the other end of that table, James Twelvetrees, and listen to me." "After she's gone to bed tonight, wait till about two in the morning, go to her room and knock and say, "You rang, miss?"" "Then let events take their course." "You're like the voice of Satan in my ear." "Look at that young daughter at number two, Jane Livett-Carrington." " She married Lord Hartington's son." " That's right." "Him with the buckteeth and no chin." "The Livett-Carringtons had a big, strapping chauffeur, and now who's she pushing about in a pram?" "A little strapping chauffeur." "Can't you get it into your head that Miss Poppy's not like that?" "No." "But if you did what that chauffeur did, she'd insist on marrying' you." "(Sighs) I want the best for Miss Poppy, but... something tells me that..." "Mr Metcalfe just won't make her happy." "There's your answer." "At two o'clock, knock on the door and make her happy." "Why do you keep walking away when I'm talking to you?" "James!" "Ivy?" "You know what's on the wireless tonight?" "No." "They're taking a microphone into the woods, a woman is gonna play the cello, and a nightingale's going to sing." " How do they know?" " They don't." "They tried it before and I snuggled under the covers with me earphones." "What happened?" "I got red ears." " Would you like to 'ave a listen?" " I don't think so," "I've got to be up early in the morning." " Mrs Lipton about?" " Yes, she's having a sit down." "I'm gonna give Mrs Lipton a big surprise." "Ooh." "That'll be nice." "Oh..." "Oh, give over, Alf." "Oh...oh, it's you, Constable Wilson." "Why did you call me Alf?" "Er..." "I-I really have no idea." "I hope Mr Stokes is not in the habit of creeping up and taking liberties with his hands?" "Certainly not." "He gets no encouragement from me." "For you, Blanche." "Ohh." " Oh, how lovely." " A little token of my appreciation." "Oh, thank you. (Laughs)" "Look what I've been given." "We got ones like that in the front garden." "Right, you're all wanted up in Lady Lavender's room." "Is she going to throw something at us?" " What happened to that blancmange?" " It's quite safe, in the larder." "You're all invited to the wedding of her parrot." "That's absurd." "It doesn't make sense." "It's his lordship's instructions to humour her." "I don't care about that, I'm having no part of it." "And that's that." " Well, I'll be off then." " Oh, no, you won't." "You're performing the ceremony." "I can't marry a parrot, I've got no authority." "Ships' captains do, and you're wearing a uniform." "This is ridiculous, I'm a constable in the Metropolitan Police." "There's two quid in it." "All right, then." " (Knock) - (Parrot) Come in." "Shut up!" "Come in." "(Parrot) Shut Up." "Come in." "Oh, come in, everyone." "I've brought Constable Wilson, m'lady." "He's going to perform the ceremony." "Oh, good." "Well, now, you stand over here." "That's right." "Stokes, you're going to be best man." "You stand next to the groom." "James, you're to give the bride away." "And Ethel and her mother will be the bridesmaids." "We're the bridesmaids, Mother." "That'll be nice." "What am I?" "The congregation." "Right." "Go and fetch the bride, she's waiting on the landing." "As soon as you hear the wedding march, come in." "We don't want it to be too loud, so I've put in a soft needle and stuffed a pair of bloomers down the horn." "That's the best thing to do, that is." "This is ridiculous, Mr Twelvetrees." "Do we 'ave to do it?" "Yes, Ivy, we do." "His lordship gave strict instructions to humour Lady Lavender at all times." "Otherwise she might not leave him her money." "Be quiet, Mabel, and hand me the parrot." "Haven't you got anything religious to put on?" "I'm afraid not, m'lady." "Put your helmet on." "Oh, that's splendid." "(* The Wedding March)" " Get on with it." " What shall I say?" "Make it up." "(Clears throat)" "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together... to marry that parrot... to that parrot." " Amen." " Amen." "Hear, hear." "Go on." "Now, if there is anyone here, who knows of any just cause or impediment why these two parrots should not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." "Amen." "Aagh." "What's next?" "What's next?" "Who givethetheth?" " What?" " Who givethetheth?" "Who giveth this parrot?" "I do." "Where's the ring?" "What are you talking about?" "You're as potty as she is." "(Clears throat) I now pronounce you Parrot and Mrs Parrot." "Those that I have joined together, let no parrot put asunder." "Oh, it's so beautiful." "I always cry at weddings." "Is that all?" "The best man may now kiss the bride." "(Rings)" "Lord Meldrum's residence." "Yes." "Yes, I see." "I will inform her ladyship without delay." "(* Waltz on gramophone)" "(Knock at door)" "Come in." " Excuse me, my lady." " Shh." "They're on their honeymoon." "lsn't it romantic?" "The manager of the pet department at Harrods has just telephoned." "Apparently, it is very difficult to tell the sex of a parrot." "I'm sure parrots don't make a mistake." "The manager did, my lady." "He sent you another male parrot." "Really?" "Oh, dear." "Well, they seem to be managing all right." "Here you are, Mrs Lipton." "It's the last one." "Oh." "Perhaps I..." "I better purée some tomatoes and put them in." "Ooh, don't use real tomatoes, you'll spoil it." "Who is coming, exactly?" "Well, there's Mr Foster the works manager," "Mr Barnes the foreman, and that Scotch chap who's the union secretary." "I hope he doesn't make a scene." "Always envious, those sort of people." "(Ivy) Ooh." "Six cod and chips, six haddock and chips, threepenn'orth of spare chips and a dozen pickled onions." "Come to six and threepence." "Here's the change, Mr Twelvetrees." "Thank you, Henry." "Did you get any crispy bits?" "Yeah, I got those for nothing cos it was such a big order." "Cor, what a lovely smell." "Did you put salt and vinegar on?" "No, I didn't think it would be to his lordship's taste." "You put them in the warming oven, James, I can't stand the smell." "Am I to understand it's fancy dress tonight, sir?" "No." "We want to put the workers at their ease." "I see, sir." "Pour me one, George." "What on earth have you done to yourself?" "Perhaps the cap is too much." "You look absurd." "What do you mean?" "There was a man digging up the road, he was dressed exactly like this." "So I made a list, gave it to my tailor, and he sent them round." "For God's sake, take that awful red hankie off." "Put it back on again." " What are you doing in that get-up?" " It was you father's idea," " so as not to embarrass the guests." " You are a silly arse," "I simply said we won't dress for dinner." "We just looked out the window and saw three men looking at their watches." "I don't want to worry you, but they were all wearing dinner jackets." " (Bell)" " Oh, my God!" " Don't answer it, Stokes!" " May I enquire why not?" "They're wearing dinner jackets, we've got to change." " Come on, James." " Very good, sir." "Answer the door and attend to them." "We'll be right down." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Oh, er, good evening." "We're a bit early, I'm afraid." "Oh, that's all right." "Come in." "(Door closes)" "I'll take your hats and coats." "Nice weather we've been having." "I was saying to my wife this morning what nice weather we've been having." " It rained last Thursday." "Yes, but apart from that." " It didn't rain very much." " No." "Came through my roof." "Nearly had the ceiling down." "I'm sure his lordship's maid doesn't want to hear our domestic problems." "I don't mind, I'm very sympathetic." "This way, please, and I'll announce you." "Just look at this place." "All got through the sweat of our labours." "Don't start, Jock." "We've only just got through the door." " Mr Foster." " (Cissy) Good evening, Mr Foster." " Mr Barnes." " (Foster) Good evening." "(Cissy) Hello." "(Poppy) Hello." " What your name?" " Jock McGregor." "Jock McGregor." "Do come in." "I'm Cissy Meldrum, this is my sister Poppy." "I-I won't shake hands." "A kid were sucking' a stick of toffee on the bus and it went all over the handrails." "Ooh, aren't you strong?" "Your muscles are bursting out of that suit." "It fits you very well, of course." "You develop muscles when you work for a living." "May I say what an honour it is to be invited to your beautiful home." "We think it's a bit old-fashioned but you can't shift Daddy." "We know that fine at the factory." "I'm serving drinks, who wants stout and who wants raspberryade?" "Nonsense, Ivy, I'll mix some cocktails." "Now, who fancies a white lady?" "It's going to be agony, George." "They could stop for hours." "How will we get rid of them?" "Don't worry." "I've invited the bishop after dinner." "One look at his dog collar and they'll be off." "Ah, hello, everybody." "Sorry to have kept you waiting." "Oh, not at all, my lord." "I was just saying what an honour it is, and a privilege," " to be invited to your beautiful home." " Ah." "It's quite a nice old place." "At least the roof doesn't leak." "To your health, my lord." "And your delightful family." "(Lord Meldrum) Thank you." "Do we eat this or is just for ornamentation?" "Give it to Foster, he'll crawl up it." "(Clears throat)" "Er, well, how have you all been keeping?" "Fine, fine." "(High-pitched) Fine." "Good." "Good." "My nephew's, er, had the chickenpox." "Oh, poor little chap." "How old is he?" "27." "Dinner is served, m'lord." "Come on, you're sitting next to me." " Mr Foster." " Oh." "Thank you very much." " I'm honoured, my lady." " Please, call me Cissy." "Come along, Teddy." "Show Mr Barnes where he's sitting." "Oh." "Yes, of course." "Erm... been in any good pubs lately?" "You see, my Olive doesn't like me coming home breathing beer fumes." "You can't blame her, can you?" "That's the soup gone up." "Oh, put those greasy newspapers in the dustbin, Henry." "They're smelling the place out." "It's like French perfume to me." "Ahh, tomato soup." "My favourite." "Sir." "Oh." "Oh, you're very kind." "lsn't she kind?" "Don't mention it." "Erm...have you been in any good pubs lately?" "Oh, delicious soup, my lord." "Do you have a French chef?" "No, just an ordinary, plain cook." "Eh, Stokes?" "Yes, very plain, my lord." "Hey, Cissy, did you not speak at a meetin' of the United Workers Party?" "Yes, I put myself up as candidate for the party in the local by-election." " Do you think I'll get in." " Nah." "Not with that eyeglass and the posh accent." "We all thought you were patronising' us." "I found the whole thing very embarrassing." "I'm sure nobody could hold you responsible for the actions of your children, my lord." "Which would you like to taste first, my lord?" "The stout, the raspberryade, or the Montrachet?" "The bishop's arrived." "They're all having coffee in the drawing room." "Well, I'll be off now, then." "Erm, you can take those cold chips home with you." "Oooh." "That'll be nice." "And, up...up, up, up, up, up, up, up." " (Jock) Well done, Barnesy!" " Is that your card, m'lord?" "Well, done, Barnes." "Thank you very much." "Now, here's another." "If you take a card, just take a card." "Any card." "Not too many, don't be greedy." "Don't show it to me, I don't want to see it." "Would you like to pop it back?" " Here we are." " That's it, thank you." "Now, I shall just give these a quick shuffle." "Butterfingers!" " (Laughter)" " Listen to that." "The reason for asking the bishop was to get rid of them." "Come and sit down and 'ave a drink." "We are on duty." "Sounds as if they're having a lovely time." "That conjuror's clever." "The way he produced a rubber chicken from the bishop's trousers!" "Yeah." "What about the wine they made disappear?" "Three bottles of Montrachet and four bottles of Château Lafite." "Really." "I thought you wanted the workers to have a good time." "Not when I'm waitin' on 'em." "They're as bad as the toffs." "They ignored us." "That Scotchman didn't ignore Miss Poppy." "I was watching him, disgraceful." "Fancy a man of that class daring to put his hand on a lady's knee!" " Ah, well done, Barnes." " Thank you." "Thank you, Barnes." "I'll give you one." "I'll give you one." "'Twas a dirty night and a dirty trick" "When a ship turned over in the Atlantic..." "They'll be here all night at this rate." "(Chuckles) It's the toffs entertaining the workers." "What about us?" "We're workers." "Pearls before swine." "They were guzzling that fine wine as if it were beer." "It's a topsy-turvy world, James." "Have a glass of port." "(Laughter and applause)" "All right, I will." "Pass the cigars." "Can I 'ave some raspberryade?" "* So I pulled her into bed and I covered up her head" "* Just to save her from the foggy, foggy dew" "* Now I am a bachelor I live with my son" "* And we work at the weaver's trade" "* And every, every time I look into his eyes" "* He reminds me of that fair young maid" "* He reminds me of the summertime" "* And of the winter too" "* And the many, many times that I held her in my arms" "* Just to save her from the foggy, foggy dew *" "Bravo, Charles!" "Sorry I'm so late, they just wouldn't go." "But everyone had a lovely time." "From now on, Mr Teddy wants fish and chips every Friday." "Miss Poppy's very naughty, isn't she?" "What with being engaged to Dickie Metcalfe, and egging on that Scotchman, Jock McGregor." "She's fella-fond." "Poor James, he's tortured day and night by unrequited love." "Ooh, talking of love, there's one thing I don't understand." "How can a bishop, who's a bachelor, have a son?" "Good night." "Good night, Dorothy." "Ripped by malgabo Sync by sutyiboy" "* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear this same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Talking flicks are here today" "* And Lindbergh's from the USA" "* Poor Valentino's passed away... *" "How sad, m'lord."