"Ah, love." "It starts with a simple kiss." "A kiss that ignites a fire so powerful, it threatens to engulf the natural world within its white" "Do you mind?" "Sorry." "I'm a romantic." "OK." "Back to truth or dare." "We're still playing that?" "I thought we were making out." "So you concede?" "No way!" "Hmm." "What is that?" "Road kill?" "Sorry, the answer we're looking for is what is Jessie about to lick?" "You're disgusting!" "And you're stalling, which would make me by definition the winner and you" "Aaaahhh." "That was unexpectedly hot." "And..." "gritty." "Yech." "You're up, Tom." "Truth or dare." "Uh, dare." "Interesting strategy." "Foolish, but interesting." "Let's see." "Dressing like a girl is always good." "But so is public nakedness." "Uh, you made me do that last week;" "longest bus ride of my life." "Right." "Too easy." "No." "I need something bigger." "Something that will show me what Tom Bellow is really made of." "I know." "I dare you to propose." "Propose..." "what?" "Propose, propose." "Score." "Excuse me?" "The bottle behind you, it's returnable." "You know, I'm kidding, right?" "You and me married?" "As if!" "We'd have to come up with names for each other, like Pumpkin or Sugar Plum and you'd get a briefcase and you'd go to work and I'd be all "Have a great day at work, Pumpkin and..."" "Jessie Michelle Hill?" "âª" "Twelve years as your neighbour and suddenly I can't stop thinking about you." "This is for real." "Will you marry me?" "Almost had me, ha ha." "No joke, Jess." "âª âª âª" "Did you hear us?" "We're engaged." "Well, it's out of the question." "We're not asking;" "we're eighteen." "Which makes us adults." "Adults don't need their parents to drive them to the movies!" "Or prepare a hot meal for them every single night." "Trying to kill your mother here?" "Hm?" "Jessie's a Gentile!" "We haven't been to temple in years." "You're talking to Rabbi Schicter." "Schecter!" "Schecter!" "And how exactly do you expect to support yourself there, Johnny Grown-up?" "I still have savings from my Bar Mitzvah." "And we all know Tom's a real entrepreneur." "Get your P, B and J shooters;" "it's peanut butter and jelly in a glass!" "I still say we should've gone with the lemonade." "Look, Jessie." "We expect this sort of thing from Tom." "But you are the responsible one." "Why are you doing this to us?" "Because I love him?" "You just ended your declaration of love for my son with a question mark." "This is completely hypocritical." "You guys got married at twenty-four, well eighteen?" "It's the new twenty-four." "You know what else it is?" "Eighteen!" "Hey everyone, since Tom's getting married, can I have his room?" "I'll take that as a yes." "Well, let's see." "When I was 24, I was holding down three jobs, finishing my law degree and supporting my widowed mother." "Tom, I believe on the other hand, just made it to level two of Ninja Surfers, huh?" "Level three." "What is it?" "Level three." "Level three!" "I rest my case." "You know what, Jessie?" "You go next door and talk to your parents, hm?" "Yeah." "Maybe they'll knock some sense into you." "Aw, puppy love!" "That's so adorable." "Nothing like first love, huh?" "Yeah." "OK, three down: writer of A Modest Proposal." "Five letters." "Um, did you hear me?" "We're engaged." "Wilde." "Actually, it's not that wild." "I love her." "No, no, no." "There's a T As in Oscar, there. five letters." "Guys!" "Jessie, what your mother and I think is irrelevant." "Last time we checked, you're eighteen." "That's legally an adult." "But don't you have any regrets, concerns, nuggets of parental wisdom?" "Never go to sleep hungry." "Who was that?" "Our refugee." "Oh." "Sorry, what?" "From Iraq?" "Mom!" "Dad!" "OK, sweetie." "Um, are you sure that you're in love?" "Is this something that you really want?" "Does he satisfy you in bed?" "Mom!" "Well, honey, because if there are any issues, you're more than welcome to borrow our Kama Sutra." "It really works." "Maybe we should go outside and come back in again?" "Jessie, you know how your mother and I feel about weddings." "They're an exercise in greed with absolutely no real bearing on reality." "That doesn't mean we won't respect your decision." "Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Hill." "I uh, I promise to make your daughter happy." "Swift." "Thanks!" "As in Jonathan." "Five letters." "What just happened?" "Breathe, Phil." "Just breathe." "You like tigers" "You like lions" "Do you think that we can make it last?" "You like the bathtub" "And you take hot showers" "Do you think that we can make it last?" "Yes I do; yes I do Yes I think that we can make it last" "What's with my parents?" "Where's the worry?" "The angst?" "The guilt?" "At my house taking a Valium." "At least your parents care enough to ask questions." ""What are you gonna do when college starts?"" ""How will you get money?" ""Where are you gonna live?" "Where are we gonna live?" "Right now, that's the least of our worries, OK?" "My dad has dialled the Jewish up to eleven." "He's wearing a yarmulke." "Your dad's about as Jewish as Conan O'Brien." "Yeah!" "He converted." "Shouldn't that work in our favour?" "No." "He says we're practically siblings." "The sibling thing kind of went out the window when we did it behind the garage." "But..." "we are best friends." "I know all your secrets, how you're afraid of moths and lost the Big V to that guy at judo." "You light candles when you're sad." "Well, there's plenty of secrets left to uncover." "Trust me." "Really?" "I'm pretty much down to my last one." "You have a secret?" "No." "Maybe." "Are you sure you want to marry the guy who made you eat mud?" "Actually, no." "But the guy who bought me gummy bears after judo boy dumped me and then changed everything with one single unreal kiss." "Him I'd consider." "Well, the worst is over." "At least our friends will be happy for us." "No!" "No, no, no, no!" "We're engaged, Carter, not gunned down by enemy fire." "People marry at eighteen all over the world." "Right, Marisa?" "You're right, Cupcake and some day many of those villages will have running water." "You don't know what you're in for." "Have you ever bought a chick tampons?" "Does he even know about..." "Uh, Tom, buddy." "Don't tell the girls this but you need to have sex with a lot of other women." "OK, you guys do realize that we're all sitting here together, right?" "There's no split screen?" "It's not Grease." "We're just trying to help." "OK, this engagement is a destroyer of awesome future memories, most of which involve nudity." "Oh my God, that's it." "Our cupcake is knocked up!" "Whoa." "No one's cupcake is knocked up." "We're in love." "I'm in love with my new patent leather handbag, but I'm not gonna marry it." "What about the summer?" "Our road trip to go see the White Stripes?" "I can't now, buddy." "I want to make this work, you know?" "I love her." "Yeah, that's right!" "I love her." "Yeah, I love the way this girl hums when she studies and the little dimples she gets when she smiles." "Yes, I, Tom Bellow, declare that I will proudly buy this lady tampons!" "Nothing?" "Well, I wish this was a split screen." "OK, you got to me, Honeybear." "Thank you." "Now if only that tampon speech would work on Tom's dad." "Your dad's OK with it?" "Actually, yeah." "Oldest trick in the book, sweetie." "Sic one dad on the other." "You're good." "It's what I do." "âª âª" "I thought you were your mother." "Scooch over." "Uh huh." "Any jerky left?" "Mm hm." "Shh!" "Dad!" "If Mom catches us eating dead animal, she'll skin us alive." "Last one." "Tom's parents are crazy." "His dad especially; he's doing everything he can to pry us apart." "Is it working?" "Well, if he's trying to make us want this more than ever, yes." "You want me to speak to Ben." "I'll owe you two teriyakis and a honey garlic." "No way; this is Ben." "You'll have to throw in some blood sausage." "You're onto blood sausage?" "Oooh, it's a slippery slope." "âª âª" "You know, they grow twice as fast when you cut them back." "I believe that is an urban myth." "Works with the hedges down below." "Hey!" "Here's something." "What the hell do you want, Phil?" "I want what you want or don't want, if you catch my drift." "A man whose idea of curfew is before sunrise suddenly grows some parental backbone." "What gives?" "Listen very carefully, Ben." "If we're gonna end this engagement, we need to talk." "If marrying the random girl next door was our plan for Tom, we probably would've moved to a better neighbourhood." "And if indentured servitude was part of our plan for Jessie, we'd have moved back into the eighteen hundreds." "So there!" "We're in agreement for the first time since the garbage strike." "Oh, I supported the strike." "Well, you're an idiot." "Boys, please!" "Tara." "If you and Phil are against this, then why didn't you do something about it?" "In a situation like this, Judith, you can do one of two things:" "you can either sit back and play it cool or you can throw gas onto the flames." "Oh, stay tuned for another thinly-veiled lecture on global warming." "Dude!" "Relax." "If we just cut the kids some slack, this whole thing's gonna blow over." "We're not going to just stand by and watch our only son be ripped from our arms!" "We have big plans for Tom." "Hey, we're down with that." "At his age, he should be traipsing the globe with nothing more than a backpack and a beer bong." "I was talking about college." "I'm gonna punch him." "Look, we're all on the same side here." "We hate marriage, too." "Who hates marriage?" "We don't hate marriage." "You're married!" "No, we're not married." "OK, we're done here, Judith." "Come on." "Ben, sit!" "Phil!" "Can it!" "All right." "The Hills don't believe in marriage and we don't believe in this marriage, then at least we're on common ground." "Exactly." "And I say that we let them marry the hell out of each other." "We give them everything they want and more." "I like it." "They're expecting us to fold." "Instead, we double down." "Yeah." "We don't believe in gambling either." "OK, seriously;" "I'm gonna punch him." "Wakey wakey!" "Natural Bride." "Something Borrowed." "Eco-Spouse?" "I thought you hated weddings." "Hate is such an ugly word, Jessie." "Not inaccurate, but ugly." "Am I being punked?" "The truth is, honey, I've been guilty of the worst sin of all." "Bacon?" "Envy." "Oh, sweetie." "I just want you to have what I've never had." "A white hemp dress." "A bouquet of wild flowers." "A handsome man that you're tied to by a legal and binding contract till the day you take your last sour breath of air." "Who wants a wedding?" "âª âª âª" "I see you brought in reinforcements." "What do you mean, sweetie?" "I know how this works, OK?" "You bring in the big sister from downtown;" "get her to talk some sense into me." "I know exactly what you're gonna say, Monica." "I think it's wonderful." "Oh." "Well, I know what you're gonna say next." "And go." "So when are you gonna pull the trigger, Tom-bit?" "Uhhh..." "Next spring?" "Why wait till next year, Tom?" "Your mother and I got married in the fall, didn't we?" "Lovely time of year." "Oh yeah." "Is this 67 Henderson Avenue?" "âª âª" "Something's going on." "You think?" "My sister made me try on my dad's tux and said I looked "juicy"." "My dad is on his fourth draft of the father of the bride speech." "I'm warning you now, the jokes are not good." "Everyone does a complete one-eighty overnight?" "It's almost as if..." "They talked?" "They talked and now they're toying with us." "Are we being paranoid?" "Your sister called you "juicy"." "Right." "OK." "Let's not panic." "No, we're gonna handle this like mature adults." "Let go of me!" "Ow!" "Let go!" "I don't know anything!" "Liar!" "Your face is red and you're stuttering!" "That's because you're choking me." "Oh no, this is choking." "Agh!" "OK!" "They're calling your bluff." "So they're opening up their wallets." "How wide?" "I've already said too much." "OK." "OK, we are gonna play this cool." "Don't let on we know." "You know what this means, don't you?" "It's really gonna happen." "You and me." "Hitched." "Yeah, that's great." "Baby's first lie;" "I'm so proud." "What was I supposed to say, Carter?" "That I was suddenly hit with the possibility of it actually happening and I choked?" "I thought that's what you wanted." "It is." "It is, it's just it's..." "It's all happening so fast." "See that's what happens when a proposal is based on a game of truth or dare." "I just want this wedding to slow down." "But I can't tell her that, because then I lose face." "Well?" "You've come to the right guy." "See, you put your cards on the table with that engagement." "But the parents, they raised." "Clever." "But they don't know that you know that they know." "So they won't be prepared for your next move." "And that is?" "You go all in." "âª" "Hey, Tom." "Just going over the guest list here." "Did I mention Auntie Goldie's coming?" "I know how much you love her wet kisses." "You bet!" "But I hope we're inviting all the cousins, too." "Oh, second, third and twice-removed." "Now, you know, we can't invite anyone until we set a date." "So you were saying spring?" "Well, I was thinking about what you guys were saying earlier and uh, maybe the fall is better." "October, perhaps." "Huh." "A little chilly, don't you think?" "Yeah." "How about September?" "The colours are breath-taking." "Well, if we're talking September, how about..." "August." "A summer wedding is good luck." "Next Sunday it is!" "We'll have it in our back yard!" "Too bad." "There's not going to be enough room for all the Gentiles Jessie's inviting." "Well, here's a thought." "Since the Hills and us are in this together... let's tear down that fence." "I'll get the toolbox." "You don't even care about what I think." "It's what you think that always matters." "When it comes to loving me, you have it your way." "I am persuaded, that makes me madder." "But when night comes around I get your kisses so sweet." "Your golden hair is longer than mine." "I have never met a creature from your planet." "Oh, baby, you're a crazy guy." "So what if it's a dare;" "I know it's real, but I can't do it because I have a secret I can't tell and if I don't, I'm living a lie and I cannot be living a lie because that's just not who I am and what if it's all just a terrible, terrible mistake?" "So?" "What do you think?" "Are we too young to marry?" "My bride was fourteen." "We met at the wedding." "But when night comes around I get your kisses so sweet." "Your golden hair is longer than mine." "I have never met a creature from your planet." "I have never met a creature from your planet." "I have never met a creature from your planet." "Oh, baby, you're a crazy guy." "Jessie, wait." "The wedding's Sunday, Tom." "You could've been quicker on the bat signal." "Jessie." "I do have a secret and I'd just rather you know now than later." "I'm so glad you said that." "There's something I have to tell you, too." "Yeah, and whatever we say, it doesn't matter, right?" "I mean, I know you peed your pants in Mrs. Gall's class." "Thanks for the reminder." "Yeah, but I'm still crazy about you." "Nothing you can say can change that." "So who goes first?" "Both at the same time." "OK." "One, two..." "I fart in my sleep." "I slept with Carter." "What?" "I mean, not just now." "A while ago." "Have you tried eating less dairy?" "So, Carter is Judo Boy." "It happened two years ago." "I'm totally over it." "Kinda weird without the fence, huh." "Tom, say something." "Maybe a fence is just a fence and a dare..." "is just a dare." "So what do you want to do?" "I think the answer's pretty clear." "Elvis sings: âª There's a 24-hour chapelâª âª That doesn't have any seats âª âª I saw you walk down the aisle âª" "Hey everyone?" "We have an announcement." "I know a lot of you worked really hard on this so this is tough to say." "The wedding's off." "Jessie and I had a real trial by fire yesterday and... we learned something." "Fire's hot." "So that's why we went to City Hall this morning." "Say hello to my wife."