"?" "I'm goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna have myself a time?" "?" "Friendly faces everywhere?" "?" "Humble folks without temptation?" "?" "Goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna leave my woes behind?" "?" "Ample parking day or night?" "?" "People spouting "Howdy, neighbor"?" "?" "Headed on up to South Park?" "?" "Gonna see if I can't unwind?" "?" "So come on down to South Park?" "?" "And meet some friends of mine.?" "I don't want to go to this stupid party." "Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great time." "No, you guys are gonna have a great time." "Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzels." "Well, your mom and I don't get out much, so you'll just have to bear through it." "Hello." "Welcome." "M'kay?" "This is already a wild party." "Yeah, well, sorry we had to bring the kid along." "We had nowhere else to put him." "Oh, that's okay." "I've got a special kids room down in the basement." "Aw!" "Be sure to help yourself to the crab souffl?" "and the..." "Juanita." "Juanita." "We need some more finger sandwiches." "I don't want to hang out in the kids room." "I won't know anybody." "Well, it'll be good for you to make new friends." "You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time." "People will think you guys are, you know, funny." "Now, I bet you'll have a great time." "Here we go." "It's right in here." "We'll be upstairs if you need anything, Stan." "Dad, you can't leave me here." "These guys are total Melvins." "Have fun, Stanley." "No, Mom, please, they're the geekiest kids at our school." "We'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts." "Cheerio, Stan." "I do say, it's quite a nice surprise seeing you here." "Shut up, Pip." "Hey, Stan." "Wow, I sure am glad you're here 'cause then we'll have even more fun than we was having before." "We were having an awfully good time before you showed up, too, however." "Butters, is there a way out of here?" "Nope." "No way out." "But there ain't nothing upstairs but an ol' stupid party anyways." "It's better down here in the kids' room." "This here is Dougie." "He's not too old but he sure is a hoot to hang with." "He's in first grade, I think." "I like math." "Oh, my God." "We were just playing a game called "Wickershams 'n' Decklers. "" "Do you want to play?" "No." "I'm the head wicker-knicker." "And you are all little wickershams." "We all sing the "Merry Tune of Stratford"" "until I yell "churrah"" "and then you all fall down laughing and I join you as I find it funny, too." "Stan, would you be the wickershamble brumbie briar?" "Well, all right, here we go." "?" "Whippy-tippy too-too?" "?" "Tra, la, la, la?" "?" "Whippy-tippy too-too?" "?" "Tra, la, la, la?" "?" "Whippy-tippy too-too, tra, la, la, la...?" "Great party, Mr. Mackey." "Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass." "No." "Mr. Hat, you get back here." "Anyone for some meteor Mai Tai punch?" "It packs quite a wallop." "Oh, I'll pass." "I don't drink hard alcohol." "Come on, loosen up." "Meteor showers only come once in a great while." "One little drink isn't gonna hurt anything, honey." "Come on, live a little." "Well, it is kind of a special night." "I guess I could experiment." "Yeah, experiment." "?" "Whippy-tippy too too?" "?" "Tra, la, la, la?" "Wickersham, tally ho." "Are you sure you don't want to play, Stanley." "Yes." "What are you, a sourpuss?" "You really ought to play, Stan." "It's an awfully fun game." "I've never been to England but I'll bet the people there are real nice." "Are people nice in England, Pip?" "I bet they are, huh?" "They got those thick noses and all." "Hey, look at this." "What is it?" "Is it something neat?" "I wonder what it could be?" "It's a box filled with ladies' clothes." "Neato!" "Hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes, huh?" "Why, we could play Charlie's Angels." "Oh, dude, you've got to be kidding me." "Oh, yes, let's." "Can I be Jaclyn Smith?" "Can I?" "No, I get to be Jaclyn Smith." "See, I thought ofCharlie's Angels, and I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought of it." "Oh, this sounds as fun as Wickershams 'n' Decklers." "Come on, Angels, let's get dressed." "Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?" "Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels." "You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one of you." "So you go ahead and be Melvins and leave me alone." "Well, all righty then." "Here it is." "I just had the hot tub put in last week." "Wow, neat." "It looks quite inviting." "Yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub." "Oh, Mr. Mackey, you nut." "Hell, we should get in." "Yeah." "Sure, go ahead." "It's a party, isn't it, m'kay." "Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing." "I have nothing to wear." "That's okay." "No hot tub for me." "Well, screw you guys." "I'm getting in for a while, too." "Geronimo." "Oh, look at our boys, Sheila." "It's just like they're in college again." "Okay, Angels, what's our mission this week?" "Well, I don't know what our mission is." "Do you know what our mission is, little first grade kid?" "How should I know?" "Oh, dear, we're Charlie's Angels but we don't have a mission." "Hey, that's because we need Bosley." "Bosley always told the angels what their mission was." "Remember Bosley?" "Why, we need somebody to be Bosley." "What?" "Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, but would you mind terribly being Bosley for us?" "What do I have to do?" "You just gotta tell us what our mission is, that's all." "That's all Bosley does." "Just give a mission and us Angels will accomplish it." "All right, all right." "Here's your mission." "In ten minutes, this room is going to fill up with water and drown everybody." "You have to find me a way out of this room, fast." "Oh, that's a splendid mission." "Well, what are we waiting for?" "We gotta find a way out of this room, by golly, or else we're all gonna get drowned." "Come on, Angels." "Which Angel am I again?" "Oh, boy, it's nice to have a night off without the kids, huh?" "Yeah, I know what you mean." "I love having a family and all," "I just miss being able to party- drinking and socializing, experimenting with all kinds of different things." "Well, that's what being young is all about." "Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are over." "But tonight is the exception." "That's why I'm going to smoke this cigar, only 'cause I've never smoked before." "Good idea." "What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to try?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me." "Yeah." "Was that your leg?" "Huh?" "Oh, you mean this?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that was me." "Bosley." "Bosley." "What, Pip?" "Oh, no, no, no." "My name is Sabrina Duncan." "Remember, we're playing Charlie's Angels." "What the hell do you want?" "Well, we've completed our mission." "Jill found a way upstairs." "He did?" "Air shaft." "Dougie pushed that big box out of the way and found this old ventilation duct." "I reckon' it's got to lead somewhere and it's good 'cause now we won't drown." "So, Bosley, what's our next mission?" "We're going upstairs." "Upstairs?" "Why, there ain't nothing upstairs but adults." "Why would we want to go upstairs for?" "Because, you stupid Melvins, they have rad food and desserts upstairs." "Hey, did you see Principal Victoria in there?" "She looks hot." "She sure does." "I wouldn't mind taking that home." "Oh, yeah." "I'm sure your wife would love that." "I wish." "That's the one thing I've always thought of experimenting with- a threesome." "With two girls or two guys?" "Well, two girls, of course." "I mean, with another guy, you know, that'd be..." "You never had a homosexual fantasy?" "Not that I have." "You haven't?" "No, I mean..." "Well, they say everybody has at some point, don't they?" "Well, I never really wanted to experiment with anything too crazy." "You know, maybe just..." "I don't know... masturbate in front of another guy." "Yeah, well, that's not really gay, is it?" "No, no, I don't think so." "Well, it is a night for experimenting." "It sure is." "Okay, I'll start." "This must be the place." "They've got all kinds of crazy things going on in there." "Code seven." "We believe we have found the compound." "Request immediate backup." "Okay, so just what is going on here, people?" "Get down." "What?" "It's just like we told you, officer." "There is a religious cult in there that plans to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts." "Are you sure?" "Of course we're sure." "We're the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms." "It's our job to know what these fanatics do." "So, what does the ATF do when religious fanatics are going to commit mass suicide?" "Oh, don't worry, we won't let that happen." "Even if it means we have to kill each and every one of them." "What's the situation?" "Apparently, we've got at least five dozen men and women in there who intend to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts." "Any luck talking to somebody in the house?" "We've tried calling, but there's no answer." "I think we're going to have to move in, sir." "All right." "Johnson." "Sir!" "I'm sending you in." "Watch your ass." "Yes, sir." "Oh, come on in." "Join the party, m'kay?" "Would you like a meteor Mai Tai?" "Hey, I love Mai Tais." "We did it." "Great job, Angels." "So what's our mission now, huh, Bosley?" "What do you want us to do now, I wonder?" "All right, Angels, your next mission is to get Bosley some cookies and a TV set." "What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?" "I don't care." "Just hurry." "Hooray." "So, uh, well, that was certainly interesting." "Yeah." "You don't regret doing it now, do you?" "No, no." "What's there to regret, right?" "I mean, all we did was watch each other... masturbate." "That's not gay or anything." "We said so, right?" "That's right." "It was just harmless experimenting." "Well, let's get back into the party and see what everybody's doing." "Hey... nothing changes between us, right?" "I mean, we're still friends?" "Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure." "Damn it, where is Johnson?" "No communication, sir." "It doesn't look good for him." "Those bastards." "Great party, Mr. Mackey." "Thank you so much." "Are you sure you have to leave so early?" "We both have to be up early tomorrow, but thanks again." "M'kay, drive carefully, m'kay." "Hold it right there." "Whatever it is you are intending to do, do not do it." "Your freaky religious cult will not succeed in its plan." "What?" "Do not move or we will be forced to shoot." "Goddamn it, who was that?" "Did you see them move?" "I did." "Yeah." "Yeah, they moved, all right." "Well, I'll tell you what." "We may not have Elway this year, but Brister won every game he started in last year." "That's true, but Elway was the heart of the team." "Who's the leader now?" "I think the Jets are going to be the team to beat this year in the AFC." "Yeah." "Hey, if you watch another guy masturbate does that make you gay?" "What?" "Well, I just..." "I have this buddy and he sat and watched another guy play with himself." "Well, let's go kick his ass!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Where is he?" "Oh, he lives in, like..." "Florida." "Aw!" "Hey, Randy, what are you doing?" "Nothing." "Uh, I'm going to go get some chips." "Can I come with you?" "Okay." "Come right on in here, Bosley." "It was my idea." "I got to thinking, where do people keep TV sets?" "and then I remembered that lots of grown-ups have TVs in their bedrooms, so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom and sure enough, here it was." "Rad." "Okay, Bosley, we've got you cookies and a TV set." "So, what's our next mission?" "There are no more missions." "I have everything I want." "We ain't got no more missions?" "What are we supposed to do?" "We're Angels." "What do Angels do without missions?" "Just play something else." "God!" "Oh, dear, we've angered Bosley." "Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts." "Whoa, cool." "I want to be a reporter someday." "Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house." "According to the ATF, the couple refused to cooperate, then pulled out very big guns and started shooting everyone." "The ATF had no choice but to shoot the insane couple, and now a standoff has ensued." "Oh, looks like that cult is about to be blown into tiny bits." "The ATF commander tells us that he has reason to believe there may be children inside..." "Wait a minute." "...and that they are the primary concern of all." "There are choppers here along with several tanks..." "Oh, my God!" "Dude, that's this house." "They think our parents are the religious cult." "Do you think someday I could be a reporter?" "We just received a photo from the recon team, of the action inside the house, showing evidence that there are indeed innocent children trapped inside." "Those sick cult-fanatic bastards." "Dude." "Hey, our parents aren't religious fantastics." "Why, we gotta tell them that they're making an awful mistake, don't we." "Yes, come on, Angels." "Looks like we have a new mission." "Raise the roof!" "Raise the roof." "Randy, you're making me feel unimportant." "Talk." "Talk, damn you." "Look, I'm just having a hard time with what we did in the hot tub." "So, now we can't be friends?" "I didn't say that." "I mean..." "I don't know." "I just feel so strange." "I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help feeling like people here know, you know?" "Like, even though nobody could know 'cause we said we'd never tell anybody." "We said we'd never tell anybody?" "Well, of course we wouldn't." "Oh." "Oh, I didn't realize that." "You didn't tell anybody, did you?" "Well, a few people, yeah." "What?" "!" "Why the hell would you do that?" "!" "You didn't say not to tell anyone." "Well, of course I thought it would be implied." "When you masturbate with another guy in a hot tub you assume that nobody's going to tell anybody!" "Listen to you." "You're yelling at me." "You've never yelled at me before." "Hey, you guys, we've got a big problem." "The ATF is outside and they think you're all a religious cult." "You got to go talk to them." "Raise the roof!" "How come they're acting that way, Stan, huh?" "How come they're laughing and falling down and such?" "Mom, go look outside." "Mommy's little poopy-kins." "Let me handle this, Stan." "Now listen up, and listen good, everyone." "Why, I'm awful disappointed in you, drinking and carrying on this way." "Why, you should be ashamed of yourselves." "If you don't get outside right now, and tell those army guys you're not religious fantastics, well, there's going to be heck to pay." "Heck, I tell you." "Come on, we're going to have to go tell them ourselves." "Lay down your weapons!" "We don't have any weapons." "Go back inside and tell everyone that they are surrounded." "Tell them to come out peacefully, and we will not shoot..." "Get back inside!" "I don't think they're going to come out." "Use the Ganz technique." "What's the "Ganz technique"?" "This what we did in Waco." "Play really bad music really loud until it drives them nuts and makes them want to come out." "Nobody can stand this much Cher." "This is her new album." "If this doesn't drive them out, nothing will." "That's great music, Mr. Mackey." "What is that?" "Oh, this is Cher." "This is her new album." "Well, hell, turn it up." "Yeah, well, you know what I heard?" "I heard that he's gay." "Oh, is he?" "Who?" "Huh?" "Who did you hear is gay?" "Ricky Martin, the singer." "Oh." "Hey, Randy, what's up?" "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Huh?" "Look, shouldn't you be hanging out with your wife right now?" "I just felt like talking to you." "There's nothing to talk about." "You're having regrets, aren't you?" "No, I..." "I don't know..." "Hey, talk to me." "No." "I thought we agreed what happened in the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship." "Will you stop it?" "I don't..." "I just..." "Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need to talk about it, but I sure do." "Sharon?" "Sharon, can we go?" "Go?" "!" "The meteor shower hasn't even started yet." "I know, but I want to make love to you, right now." "I have to make love to you right now." "Randy, relax." "We don't ever get to party." "Now, come on, loosen up." "Experiment." "Oh, I already did." "Dad, Dad, they shot at us." "Not now, Stan." "Mom." "Whoopee!" "Hey, what are we going to do, huh?" "Th-They shot at us." "They really shot at us." "Th-They ain't gonna stop until we're all dead I betcha." "Us and all our families." "Get ahold of yourself, man!" "How come you slapped my face, Stan, huh?" "What on earth would you go and do that for anyways?" "Come on, we have to find out what's happening." "I am standing now with Danny Ganz, the commander of the ATF." "Commander, what is the latest?" "We have not had any cooperation with the cult inside the house." "They are refusing to come out, and apparently, they still plan to commit mass suicide once the meteor shower starts, which should be any moment now." "See how reporters get to where those cool jackets?" "That's why I want to be a reporter." "So what are your plans, Commander?" "Right now our plan is to burn the house down." "If we set it on fire, they'll have no choice but to come out." "Oh, dear God, they're going to set us on fire." "Oh, great Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph, what are we going to do, huh?" "Oh, sweet Joseph, husband to Mary but not father of sweet Jesus." "Shh." "Setting them on fire seems a little dangerous, Commander." "It is, but we can't let them kill themselves." "We have to let them know this isn't a cult party." "But we can't, they'll just shoot at us again." "They're going to burn us up and act like nothing happened." "Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph, father to Mary..." "Wait." "Mary, wife of..." "Hold on." "Come on, Angels, we've got a new mission, and this time..." "it's for real." "For hours now, the ATF has tried to communicate with the religious fanatics inside this house." "The meteor shower is expected to begin at any moment, and so time is running out." "Oh, look, Harold's doing it again." "This is Jill Munroe reporting live from inside the meteor shower party." "As you can see, this is a perfectly normal party." "Nobody is killing themselves." "We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us." "Anything else?" "Tell them not to burn us down." "Oh, yeah." "Don't burn us, please." "Jill Munroe, GFN News." "Now, what do we do?" "Now we find a way to get this tape out to therealreporters." "Hey, I'm a real reporter." "You're right, you are, Dougie." "You did an awesome job." "Attention cult people." "Do not commit mass suicide." "There are so many reasons not to kill yourselves." "Flowers, for instance." "And back rubs." "All right, I'm through trying to reason with them." "Send in the negotiator." "Excuse me, but what proof do you have that those people inside are religious fanatics?" "We know what we're doing." "We did this all before in Waco." "Yes, but you totally screwed up Waco." "You killed a bunch of innocent people and then tried to say they killed themselves." "Look, you see this?" "You see this?" "Yes." "You see it?" "You see it?" "Go get it." "Go get it." "All right, let's get ready to kick some religious fanatic ass." "Having a good time?" "Yeah, swell." "Could I just have a few minutes alone?" "I'm not going to let you change on me, Randy." "Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub," "I won't let it change..." "We did not share an intimate moment, okay?" "That makes it sound gay." "Goodnight, everyone." "Look out!" "Hold your fire!" "Okay." "People at the door, that was a warning." "Go back inside and tell the others that they now have one minute to surrender." "Oh, no, we're out of time." "Are you sure you can do this, Butters?" "Oh, no, I'm not sure." "I'm not sure at all." "What am I doing again?" "We're just going to slide you down this rope, and then you got to get our exclusive video to that reporter down there." "That sounds awful dangerous." "Can you hit a target, Pip?" "I was archery class esquire at Stratfordshire." "Hit something nice and solid, now." "I think that's got it." "Nice job, Pip." "Did I do a nice job, really?" "All right, Butters, now it's your turn." "Oh, I don't know about this." "I think I'll reconsider." "Yup, I-I think reconsidering is the thing to do right now." "Whoa!" "He made it down." "All right, people, prepare to fire on my command." "Uh, Mr. Reporter, sir." "Huh?" "We've got an eyewitness exclusive video for you, sir." "Honey?" "God, everybody's looking at me." "Everybody knows." "Everybody doesn't know." "And why are you so ashamed of me?" "What's happened to you?" "You've become all needy and talkative and..." "I just want to know it meant something to you." "It didn't mean anything to me, Jerry!" "All we did was watch each other masturbate in a hot tub!" "Ah, I was just in the hot tub." "Yeah, yeah, it's true." "I thought it would be exciting and maybe it was, but I can't deal with your accusing stares." "We watched each other jack off in the hot tub." "There, we did it." "I'm not proud of it, but there it is." "Well, it's not like you're the only guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate." "I've done it." "Me, too." "Yeah, I've done it a few times." "Yup." "Yep." "Uh-huh." "Me, too." "Yeah, I've done it." "Yep." "Ah, hell, I" " I've done it, too, with Cameron, here." "Juanita could you fix some more dip, please, Juanita?" "You mean it?" "I'm not gay?" "Well, maybe a little, but we're all a little gay." "Oh, I feel so much better." "Wow!" "So, we're friends again?" "Oh, you bet we are, Jerry." "I feel great!" "I feel like I could take on the world." "Everything's going to be okay." "All right, everyone, fire!" "Hold on, just a minute." "This is Derek Smalls reporting." "We have just received an exclusive video from inside the house, proving that the people inside are not cultists after all." "Uh-oh." "Uh, attention everyone." "This has only been a test." "Good job, men on this, uh, simulation." "Simulation?" "Shh!" "All is well." "Do not shoot at..." "Oh, I believe we saved the day." "Oops." "Sir, this isn't going to look good." "You're right." "Quick, let's get out of here." "Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys." "Wow, you mean it?" "Sure." "Why with your tape, I'll be able to make millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams." "Oh, hooray then." "Well, Angels, I must say I think we did a smashing job." "We-We sure did." "Why, we put the fear of God in those ATF sons of guns, I can tell you." "But you know, I learned something today." "I used to call you guys Melvins, but you're just kids, like me." "We separate you in school because you talk different, or you study too hard." "But we've proven tonight that we can all get along." "So you mean we can stay friends, Stan?" "Wouldn't that be swell, huh?" "Dude, I'm glad to see you." "You would not believe the night I had." "You?" "You think you had a bad night?" "I had to hang out all night with these friggin' Melvins." "Oh, dude, weak." "Super weak." "Come on, I'll tell you all about what happened to me."