"What?" "!" "I mean, I used to be invisible to him, but now he keeps looking at me," "I'm just being paranoid, right?" "Well, these buds are called Purple Thunder Paranoia, but no, you're not being paranoid." "No, of course I am." "Like right now, it looks like he's coming over here." "He looks pissed." "Why would he be coming over here pissed?" "I don't know, Ryan." "Maybe because you smashed his window, stole his weed and shat in his boot?" "You smashed his window." "You, me." "What's the difference?" "What is the difference?" "(clock tolling and ticking)" "(distant, rhntythmic thudding)" "Wilfred, I think there's something in that weed." "I don't think so, mate, but there's only one way to find out." "(bong water gurgling)" "(snap)" "Yeah, that doesn't happen till later." "Later?" "What are you...?" "(loud pounding on door)" "Am I dreaming?" "I want to wake up now." "Ryan, there's something I need to tell you." "I don't think you'll remember this, but perhaps that's for the best." "None of this is real." "There's no way he could know it was me." "That's the thing I need to tell you, mate." "(echoing):" "He knows." "(knocking)" "(knocking)" "Up for a stroll, mate?" "Oh." "It's for you." "Open it." "You don't have to say, "Open it," okay, Ryan?" "I know to open it." "It's a Kobe beef femur from a high-end butcher." "It's the best money can buy." "(sniffing)" "You want me to be excited, Ryan?" "Buy me a new bong." "Or better yet, a vaporizer." "But a bone?" "It's like giving a basketball to a black guy." "It was meant to be a token of our friendship." "Oh, speaking of tokin', let's spark up some of that weed we nicked from Spencer." "Maybe we can vaporize it in my new bone." "Hmm." "No." "Won't quite work, will it?" "What's going on here?" "What kind of racist monster would spray-paint the symbol of another person's culture?" "It's a hate crime!" "Hey white boy, is that your dog?" "No, I'm just watching him for a friend." "My wife is extremely fearful of dogs." "Lakshmi was bitten in the old neighborhood." "So would you please?" "!" "Wilfred, come!" "Please?" "It's not like I was gonna bite her." "Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week." "Come back to the scene of the crime," "I know it was you!" "I had to call the cops on that hoodlum a few weeks ago." "I'm certain this is his revenge." "That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood." "You need to put that asshole in his place." "What's the point of a confrontation?" "I'd just get my ass kicked." "So what?" "That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear." "What would you suggest I do?" "March over there, look him straight in the eye, and say, "I'm the man who shat in your boot."" "You want me to have sex with him?" "It's called domination." "That's how dogs handle it, and believe me, it's very effective." "And have you done this with another dog?" "Every goddamn day." "in which I would do something like that." "Well then, you have no imagination." "If only that were true." "I mean, I used to be invisible to him, but... like-like he knew we stole these plants from him." "Well, these buds are called Purple Thunder Paranoia, but no, you're not being paranoid." "Of course I am." "(water gurgling)" "(quiet ticking)" "Ryan, there's something I need to tell you." "(loud knocking)" "Is that...?" "It is." "Mate, the thing is, he knows." "How is that possible?" "Because after we broke into his house," "I think I may have left your wallet under the window." "What?" "!" "Actually, wait." "No, no." "I definitely did do that." "(loud knocking)" "(knocking) SPENCER:" "I know you're in there!" "Why the hell would you leave my wallet outside his window?" "I don't know, Ryan." "Why is the sky grey?" "Why is the grass grey?" "Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?" "Now open the door, pull down his pants and tear that ass up." "(knocking)" "Hey, Ryan, lose something?" "!" "Uh." "Oh, wow, I've been looking for this." "Yeah, because you dropped it when you broke into my house, you piece of shit." "Enough words, Ryan!" "I'll hold him down, you get his pants off." "No!" "No, no, no, no, no." "Yeah, go ahead, but I'm not a very good listener." "They, uh... they-they broke into my house, too!" "Come on, Ryan." "Only a complete tosser would believe..." "Keep talking." "Yeah." "They stole my wallet." "They-They must have dropped it when they broke into your house." "Bullshit." "Bullshit." "No!" "N-No bullshit, and that sick bastard actually took a dump on my Blu-ray." "He shit in my boots!" "Yeah." "Guess you think you're pretty clever, eh, Ryan?" "looks like we're both victims here." "I'm sorry, I-I didn't even get your name." "Oh, it's Spencer." "You know, it's funny." "I..." "I've seen you around the neighborhood, and I..." "I always figured you were a dick, but now I feel like I'm the dick." "(Ryan laughs) I'm sorry I barged in on you." "Hey, it's fine." "ah." "You make me sick." "Oh, you're mad at me?" "You set me up!" "You pussed out!" "I did not puss out." "Sometimes when I look at you," "I can almost see a giant tampon string hanging out of you." "Ryan, you can't run away from your problems." "the way that did not get my ass kicked." "He's gone, and he's not coming back." "Well, that's interesting, because he's at the front door." "No, he's not." "(quiet knocking)" "Hey, now that I think you're cool, and you think I'm cool," "You like porn?" "God, listen to me." "What am I, some kind of idiot?" "Who doesn't like porn?" "(woman moaning on computer) You too, right?" "Uh..." "(woman moaning)" "Yeah..." "I guess." "WILFRED:" "Having fun, Ryan?" "Just another lazy Sunday watching porn with your drunk, rock-hard neighbor." "It's all good." "I'm having a great time, too, buddy." "Hard to believe four hours ago, we didn't even know each other." "Hey, how... how long does that battery last anyway?" "Oh, shit!" "I should have brought my cord." "You're not a Mac guy, are you?" "Oh, well, the thing is, I..." "Nice save!" "Good doggy!" "Yeah." "Uh, well, let me..." "let me just feed Wilfred his lunch, and then we can resume porning out." "(woman moaning on computer)" "Okay, lunch-wise, I'm thinking a thinly-sliced porterhouse on a..." "I'm not making you lunch, Wilfred!" "It's like you're torturing me for fun." "Why?" "I'm giving you a gift, and it pains me to watch you squander it." "A gift?" "!" "What you're giving me is a sociopathic, porn-crazed pain in the ass." "Oh, I forgot." "You're the resident authority on gift giving." "That bone is a nice gift." "It's a shit gift!" "What I'm giving you is far more valuable." "A chance to be rid of that knuckle-dragging asshole once and for all." "I'm gonna get rid of him... my way." "(woman moaning on computer)" "Hey buddy," "Oh, I get it." "Say no more." "I, uh... (laughing):" "Sometimes I come on a little bit strong." "You know, at least, that's what my caseworker says." "So enough porn." "Yeah." "Whoa." "Let's hit the titty bar!" "Oh, that... that..." "that sounds fun, um, but I-I really should..." "I should clean out the poop from the Blu-ray player." "It's been a few days, so..." "Oh." "Oh, okay." "Okay, rain check, buddy." "Okay." "some of that weed we stole off Spencer!" "Yeah, stolen weed right here." "What is up with your dog?" "I'll bring it up." "SPENCER:" "He is, like, freaking out." "Shouldn't we see what's up?" "No." "Hey." "You know what?" "Let's go to the titty bar." "Great!" "First round jerk-jobs on me!" "♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪" "Are you sure it's okay to have my dog here?" "I think it's pronounced, "Medea."" "Your new nickname?" ""The Professor."" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, p-p-p push it ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh... ♪" "Phew." "Hey, Ryan, check out these wrecked udders." "(laughs)" "Ooh, ooh." "God." "Listen to me." "This is how jaded you get when you have a transsexual stripper for a dad." "Now, he had perfect breasts." "Yeah, I saw them in that porn you showed me." "♪ Yeah, let's go ♪" "♪ Oh, to the merry go round we go ♪" "♪ Baby goes down, baby goes down low ♪" "♪ Pop star go powder your nose ♪" "♪ I'll take you to an Alabama carnival ♪" "♪ You want a tough white boy ♪" "♪ Well, I got dick like Marlon Brando ♪" "♪ That's good to know, but can you push it back and forth?" "♪" "You can tell me anything, Ryan." "And I want you to be completely honest with me." "My last buddy..." "Jesse... he was a liar and a thief." "And that's why I punched him hein the throat" "Now, what'd you want to tell me?" "I was just gonna say, um... th-that stripper has weird breasts." "Her?" "Her?" "Mm." "That was weird." "I got half a bottle of schlag and taco shells inside." "The night is young." "Schlag and taco shells it is!" "W-Wilfred, come here!" "Relax." "I know how to get him back." "Look at that dumb dog." "(laughing) Ryan!" "Are you seeing this?" "(laughing quietly)" "all..." "logic!" "Why... can't I... catch... it?" "Ryan... make it stop." "do something!" "Wilfred's been misbehaving all day." "He deserves this." "Okay, check this out." "(panting)" "Where are you, you gray bastard?" "Show yourself!" "Let's finish this!" "What's going on?" "What's all the noise?" "There you are." "(Lakshmi screams) Wilfred, no!" "What are you gonna do with him?" "Don't worry, we're gonna take him to a nice farm upstate." "Ooh, a farm." "With duckies and piggies and ponies." "(gasps) I wonder if I can kill a pony." "There must be something I can do." "Please." "(indistinct radio transmission)" "All right, give me 50 bucks," "I'll leave him leashed up to the Dumpster behind Animal Control." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "SPENCER:" "Hey, Ryan!" "I just found this Persian chick on Craig's List who said she'll let us throw a shoe at her." "What the hell is he doing here!" "Spencer." "Jesse." "Wait." "You're Jesse?" "SPENCER:" "Yeah, that's the little bitch who stole my girlfriend and my toaster oven." "You banged my mom!" "One time!" "And I texted you the minute I finished!" "I didn't lie about it!" "You're friends with this jerk?" "Best friends." "Huh." "Well, in that case... the deal's off!" "Oh, and by the way, there is no farm." "He's getting the needle." "So long, Ryan." "Come visit me at the farm." "Bring bread for the ducks!" "JESSE:" "What the hell?" "I told you the deal was off." "I'm onlye here becaue my new best friend asked me to come." "You two have some things to talk about." "Right, Spencer?" "five minutes alone to say good-bye to my dog?" "Ten cages down on your right." "Yeah, I hear you yapping." "You want the smokes, but what are you gonna do for me?" "You think it was easy smuggling these in?" "Believe me, it didn't tickle coming out." "It's about time." "I'm working on it." "I shouldn't have let Spencer tease you with that laser pointer." "I'm sorry." "Apology accepted." "Isn't there something you'd like to apologize for?" "Everything else you've put me through today?" "Why would I apologize for giving you a gift?" "If anything, a thank you would be nice." "JESSE:" "Uh, yeah, she was your girlfriend, but she was a prostitute!" "You knew damn well she didn't work on Saturdays!" "You banged her on Shabbas, man!" "Seems like you've got everything under control, eh, Ryan?" "Getting my ass kicked is not gonna solve anything." "Ryan, will you please tell this lying thief" "Oh, right!" "This coming from the guy who took advantage of my mom!" "My sweet, innocent mom when she was on ecstasy!" "Okay, guys, enough!" "Spencer, you may not think what you did to Jesse was wrong, but he thinks it was wrong, and he was hurt by it." "The same goes for you, too, Jesse." "And if caring about your best friend's feelings isn't important to you, then maybe you don't know what friendship really is." "Aw, take your mutt." "I'll lose the paperwork." "Thank you." "You... watched any porn lately?" "All I do is watch porn. (laughs)" "Oh, hey, Ryan, do you mind if I, um..." "Not at all." "Go porn out." "So, Spencer's back with Jesse, and I didn't get my ass kicked." "Guess I can run away from my problems." "(woman moaning on video) Hey!" "The third amigo has arrived!" "on my way over to Spencer's to grab the schlag." "Nice!" "You brought food for the crew!" "Jesse and I let ourselves in." "I hope you don't mind." "I don't mind, Ryan." "Do you mind?" "Oh!" "Okay, here's what I'm thinking, all right?" "Once we all get nice and wasted:" "bottle rocket fight." "Then, assuming there's no major burns, we head over to the waterslide park." "(quietly, echoing):" "And after that, we go to the bar, where the bartender won't even throw us out because it's, like, the best bar ever." "I shat in your boot." "What?" "I broke your window, I stole your weed, and I took a shit in your boot." "And then I lied to your face." "Why?" "Because you're an assholpee, Spence." "How am I an asshole?" "Because you-you rev your motorcycle at all hours of the night, you sprayed the Patels' statue, and you leave your damn trash cans in front of my damn garage all..." "You steal from me, lie to me!" "I am gonna rip your... (thudding)" "You all right, mate?" "(Ryan groans)" "Am I all right?" "Oh." "Oh." "(snapping) and I think he may have broken my eye socket." "I was in a fight." "(Spencer groaning quietly)" "With a scary dude." "And I'm all right!" "Thanks, Wilfred." "Thank you." "(Ryan laughs, footsteps approaching)" "What the hell?" "I, uh..." "He has ten seconds to get his friend out of your house." "You have ten seconds to get your friend out of my house." "Or else the same thing's gonna happen to him." "Or else the same thing's gonna happen to you." "Oh, shit, man!" "WILFRED:" "And if you ever see his face again, you're gonna slash his family's throats in their sleep and then go to their funerals and slaughter everyone who shows up." "Oh, that's gold." "Say that, Ryan." "I'm not saying that." "Um, I guess I'd screw Toto, marry Lassie and kill Marmaduke." "Your turn." "Oh, no thanks." "Dogs aren't really my thing." "Uh... all right." "I guess I'd screw Anne Hathaway." "No, no, she's not on the list." "Go pick someone on the list." "(water gurgling) These are all dogs." "(inhaling)" "You can't screw Lassie." "She's my wife!" "The only other name on here is Scrappy-Doo." "That's sick, Ryan." "He's only ten months old." "What, you-you into kiddies?" "Is that your thing?" "I didn't have any other choice!" "You could have taken a pass." "You're doing it wrong." "No, I'm not." "You're missing the whole point of the toy." "Here, give it here." "(grunts)" "(imitates breaking wind)" "(laughing)" "(laughing)"