"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one what's driving me berserk" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(VICAR)... for thou hast vouchsafed to call us to the knowledge of thy grace and faith in thee." "Increase this knowledge, and confirm this faith in us ever more." "Give thy Holy Spirit to this infant that he may be born again and be made an heir of everlasting salvation." "Through our Lord Jesus Christ, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit now and for ever, amen." "Godparents, please." " Remember what to say?" " Yeah." "(BABY CRIES)" "Be careful, Rodney." "You drop him and I'll drop you!" "(RAQUEL) Del!" "He dropped a whole Royal Doulton dinner service once." " Nearly ruined it!" " (RAQUEL) Shut up!" "(CASSANDRA) Look at his little face!" "Mmm." "(BABY YELLS)" "Dearly beloved, ye have brought this child to be baptised." "Ye have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ would vouchsafe to receive him..." "Going down the pub, Alan?" "Yeah, we'll be there." "Going down the pub, are we?" "Got to be polite to Raquel and Del." "Just to wet the baby's head." "Roughly translated, that means," ""I can't wait to get down the Nag's Head and get legless with Del!"" "Take your time, Pam." "We've got to christen the baby first!" "Did you hear that?" "!" "Yes." "You're always on about me getting drunk." "When was the last time that happened?" " The last time you went there with Del!" " I didn't!" "...and obediently keep his commandments." "Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works?" "I renounce them all." "Dost thou renounce the vain pomp and glory and the carnal desires of the flesh?" "Yes." " No!" " We do!" " "I renounce them all."" " Yeah, me, too." "It's lovely, innit?" "Stunning (!" ")" "Don't you feel anything?" "Yes, I feel a great urgency to get out of here and finish my packing!" "You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow?" "I've finished the packing!" "Stop moaning or I'll get annoyed." "Do you remember Tyler's christening?" "Yeah." "Better church than this, weren't it?" "Godparents, will you please name this child?" "Yes." "It's Damien Derek Trotter." "Damien Derek?" "Yes." "Damien Derek!" "Fine." "I baptise thee, Damien Derek, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." "We receive this child in the congregation of Christ's flock and do sign him with the sign of the cross." "(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)" "What is wrong with you, Rodney?" "Nothing!" " Mind the paintwork!" " Come on, Mickey!" "Get a move on!" "I'm just setting the automatic timer!" "He's no David Bailey." "David Bailey!" "More like Bathe-it-Daily!" "Ready?" "Everybody smile!" " Smile, Trigger!" " I AM smiling!" "Thank you, Reverend." "That was a cracking display." "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Thank you." "My pleasure." "Perhaps I'll see you again soon?" "You mean the wedding?" "Don't hold your breath on it -she's still married!" "I'm waiting for my divorce to come through." "Yeah, almost pukka!" "If you need me, I'll be here." " God bless you both." " Thank you, Reverend." "I'll be in to see you in a minute." "I've got something I want to talk to you about." " Of course." "I'll be inside." " Good!" " What do you want to see him about?" " Just business." "How can you discuss business here?" "This is a church!" "Come on, Raquel." "Even churches have got to make profits." " Have you read your Bible recently?" " Have you?" "No, but I remember our RE teacher reading it to us once, and there is a chapter in the Bible called the "Book of Profits", so don't tell me that God doesn't know a bit of bunce when he sees it!" "No, it doesn't mean "profit"." "A lovely christening, Raquel!" "One of the nicest I've been to!" "Thanks, Marlene!" "I've bought you a little present." "It's a baby intercom so you can hear Damien if he cries at night." "You can even talk to him so he hear's Mummy's voice." " You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del?" " No problem." "I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow." "Listen, I'll leave you two girls to have a chinwag." "See you later." "Del, I'll shoot off and open up the pub." "About this do I'm putting on." "I'm a bit concerned, mate." "Don't be, Michael." "I've got every faith in you!" "I'm concerned about the money!" "Could you at least give me a deposit?" "How dare you, Michael, talk business here, outside a church?" "This is a church!" "Gawd blimey!" " (RAQUEL) You're off tomorrow?" " We're going to the States!" "We fly to Washington, down to Atlantic City for a week," " then on to Florida!" " You're making me jealous!" "It's not gonna be that good - Boycie's going with me!" "Poor little Rodney!" "Is he still living at your flat?" "He stays with us Monday to Friday and weekends with Cassandra." " Only weekends?" " Yeah." "Well, I suppose it's more fun than fishing!" "Rodney." "Hi, Alan." "So... how's the new job?" " What new job?" " Working for Del." "Oh, that." "Fine." "We've gone international." "Del's very big in eastern Europe." "Yeah, he said he's got contacts in Warsaw." " No, Walsall." " Walsall?" "Yeah." "But this bloke's cousin is an exporter in Romania." "Romania?" "Good." "How are you getting on with...?" " Oh!" " No, she's just going down the pub." "I said I'd see her there later." "You going down for one?" " Yeah, just for a quick one." " Just a quick one (!" ")" "No, it will be just a quick one." "I've had my orders!" "By the way," " I've got something for you." " What's that?" "Remember when you worked for me, you joined the pension scheme?" "They've come up with your repayments." "I talked to the insurance company, and if you like, you can keep the policy open." "It might be the basis of a nice little nest egg." "That's really nice of you." "I'll take you up on that offer!" "I knew you'd say that." "Well, I'm not one of these grab-the-money-and-run merchants." "My philosophy is look after the future now." "My sentiments exactly!" "Let's see." "P935 invested in a policy attracting a gross annual..." " P935?" "!" "I'll take that now." " What about the future?" "What future?" "I work for Del." "I don't quite understand, Mr Trotter." "Let me try to explain." "What would you do if you had an extra ten or twenty thousand pounds a year coming in?" "Build a new youth club?" "Buy a minibus for the old folks' outings?" "I'm not used to decisions of that magnitude." "Well, I've come up with an idea that can revolutionise your fund-raising mechanism." " What do you put in there?" " Communion wine." "Before it goes in, it's not communion wine?" " Not until I bless it." " Till you bless it, exactly!" "How long does it take to bless it?" " Two or three minutes." " Let's call it three minutes." "That's three minutes, three times a day." "Three threes are nine." "Nine minutes a day, seven days a week - 'cause I know you blokes work on Sundays!" "That's about one hour a week, times 52." "That works out about two days a year that you lose just blessing wine, and that's not including the trip to Oddbins to pick it up." "I reckon you lose about one week every year just blessing wine." " Possibly." " No, positively!" "Think of the clergymen all over the country who are also losing one week every year!" "Cor, dear!" "We must be losing months and months of vicar hours!" "Think of all the good works you could do with them lost months." "I never thought of it like that." "I have and it's been bothering me!" "Sit down, your reverence." "Sit down and let me explain." "I have worked out a way in which I can give you back that precious quality, time." " How?" " Are you ready for this?" ""Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"!" " "Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"?" " Yes." "It's like the holy version of sliced bread." "Hang on a minute." "I've got this mate, he's a vintner up north." "He's shipping in this new range of Romanian wine." " Romanian wine?" " It's gonna be all the rage." "They drive it from Tilbury to here, where you will bless it by the lorryload." "Then we'll ship it to churches and cathedrals all over the country." "There'll be no stopping us." "This time next year, we'll be exporting all over Europe!" "And here is the brick on top of the chimney." "We get it at 1.39 a bottle, we knock it out at P2.50!" "The church'll be rejoicing and you and I will be a nicker and a bit in front!" "Everyone wins." ""Rien a dire, rien a faire" as they say in Lourdes!" "I see how it could save time..." "Yes, it can save time, and time is money!" "Money that is much better spent on roofs and orphans and organs!" "That's very commendable of you, Mr Trotter, but I'm slightly stunned." "Of course you are!" "Now you know how the people felt when they saw the burning bush or the first Pot Noodle!" "This time next year, Thora Hird will ask for YOUR autograph!" "I know, it knocks you sideways, don't it?" "It must be a sign or something!" "I'll let you think about it." "Meantime, I'll send in the first lorryload so you can have a practice." "Try and interest your colleagues, square it with the bishops." "You know it makes sense!" "That's for the christening - it was a belter!" "Bonjour for now!" " Del Boy!" " Sh!" "What do you want?" "I heard there's some business going down." "Is there anything for me?" " I'm Managing Director of me own firm now." " I'm impressed (!" ")" "No, there's nothing in it for you." "I'm doing this for charity." "Well, if you hear of something, let us know." " I've always done you a good turn." " When have you done anything for me?" "Well, I'll do you some good turns in the future!" " Remember, if you want any help..." " I'll bear it in mind." "Wait a minute..." "Wait a minute!" " I was wondering..." " What?" " I don't think you can handle it." " I can handle it, no sweat!" "What is it?" "Well... it's a little bit out of your normal area." "As long as you're not frightened of a challenge?" "There's nothing I like better!" "I'm your man!" "All right, put it there!" "Come with me and I'll tell you what I want you to do." "(MICKEY) My firm is in a phase of expansion." "I was computerised three months ago." "(DEL) I thought you had a bit of a limp!" "(CHUGGING RATTLE)" "(RATTLING STOPS)" "Oooh!" "Gordon B...!" "What's the matter?" "I'm so embarrassed!" "I wish you could choose your parents!" "Aw, no, it's not Alan again, is it?" "It's always the same at family parties." "Two drinks, that's all it takes!" "You ought to stay off the scotch!" "I haven't been on the scotch." "I've been on the shandies!" "Hello, Del." "It's a smashing do!" " Come on, love." " Kissie, kissie, Del!" " Del!" " Sorry!" " Take her home, Daddy!" " Then what?" " I've got some rope in my van!" " Don't, Del!" "Come on, Pam!" " Ooh!" " How will I live the embarrassment down?" "Talk to Rodney." "He's had years of experience!" "Sorry." "Talking of Rodney, he's gutted about this Saturday and Sunday arrangement." " What's happened between you two?" " It's private, Del." "I won't stick me nose in, but if you want to talk, either of you, I'm here." "You know me, I'm straight down the line, no old bull and no porkies." " Thanks, Del." " All right." " Is Damien at the flat?" " Yeah." " Who's baby-sitting?" " Mickey Pearce." "(ALBERT SINGS AND PLAYS PIANO)" "Is that the holiday brochure?" "Yes." "These are the hotels we're staying at!" "How many times must I tell her to keep quiet about this holiday?" "!" "Why's that, Boycie?" "I don't want everyone to know my house will be empty for three weeks!" "I'm security-conscious these days." "That's why I haven't ordered a cab for the airport." "Del Boy's doing it." "I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us." " They were all busy, were they?" " Right, so I had to ask Del!" "Mind you, he's put on a good spread here today!" "HE'S put on a good spread?" "!" "This is all on the slate!" "I've got so many of his slates under here, I could retile me bloody roof!" "Del will pay you." "No worries." "Yeah, Del's had a big cheque arrive." " What about that, Mouthy?" " 935 quid!" " See?" " I saw the cheque!" "(MIKE) Yeah, I saw an advert for the RAC, but I still broke down!" "Gotcha!" "What did you leave this in your jacket for?" "Someone could have taken it!" "Somebody did!" "This could have been nicked and cashed before you could say Marriage Guidance Council." "Shut up about that!" "I'm paying this into your account, all right?" "How are things between you and Cassandra?" " Why?" " You don't seem to be talking to her." " We ain't got much to say." " What's the problem between you?" "It's private, all right?" "You used to confide in me." "Now you tell me nothing." " I might be able to help you!" " It is private!" "I'll sort it out in me own way!" "You'll sort nothing out without talking about it!" " All right!" " All right." "Go and enjoy yourself!" "(DEL) Mike, give me a pina colada." " Bloody women!" " Problems, Dave?" "I don't want to talk about it." "Have you ever been wrongly accused of something?" " Once." " How did you get out of it?" "I didn't." "I was guilty." "You're going to the airport in style, in my Capri Ghia." " What time shall I pick you up?" " 11.00." "The plane leaves at 1.30." " I wouldn't go to America." " What's wrong with it?" " It's violent, innit?" " You've been watching too much telly!" "They're on the verge of a drugs war over there!" "Who told you that?" "!" "Well, I saw a programme on the telly." "See what I mean?" "Soppy as a sack!" "I'll bet he sent a note of sympathy to Rita Fairclough when old Len snuffed it!" "He closed the pub for a week when Daphne in "Neighbours" died!" "When I say a programme on the telly..." "You shouldn't laugh about things like that." "Eh?" "The dead can't defend themselves." "No, you see, Trig, the thing was..." "She had a three-month-old baby!" "Rita Fairclough?" "I'm talking about Daphne!" "Yeah, I'm sorry, Trig." "It was, it was tragic!" "Well..." "I've made my point." "Yeah, sorry about that, Trig." "You've got to be very careful." "Trig gets very emotional." "He's Italian on his dad's friend's side." "When I say a programme on the telly," "I don't mean "Hill Street Blues" or "Magnum"." "This was "Panorama"!" " (BOTH) "Panorama"!" " Contract killers are on the loose over there." "How's that going to affect Boycie?" "He's going with Thomas Cook!" "No hit man is going to have a pop at two British tourists!" "If he does, he'd better do it in the evening." "One look at Marlene when she gets out of bed would make anyone run a mile!" " She'd put the frights up Hannibal Lecter!" " I like that, Del!" "How do you know what Marlene looks like when she gets out of bed?" " Your milkman told me." " Oh." "(DISTANT PASSING SIREN)" " Hi." " Hi." " Lovely evening." " Mmm." "You got time for a chat?" "If it's anything to do with uniforms, the answer's no." "Sh!" "It's nothing to do with uniforms!" "I'm not dressing up as a Victorian maid for anyone!" "Look, I'd had a few drinks and said something stupid." "That's no reason to kick me out of the flat." "Haven't you ever said something stupid?" "Yeah, two years ago I said, "I do"!" " That's not fair, Cass." " I didn't mean it." "Sorry." " I won't mention uniforms again, I promise." " All right, then." "Well, glad the christening went off all right." "I thought it was really moving." "He's such a lovely baby." "Lovely?" "He's always biting me!" "He takes great chunks of flesh out me arms!" "You liar!" "He smiled when he saw you." "Yeah, 'cause he thought, "Here comes elevenses!"" "Oh, shut up." "He's a beautiful little thing." "You ain't got to live in the same flat as..." "Sorry." "I wasn't trying to..." "Well, you know." "You don't live at Del's all the time." "We spend weekends together." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "We spend weekends together." "Don't start." "We discussed all our problems with the Relate counsellor." "Remember what she said after she stopped laughing?" "She advised us to go slowly and just spend weekends together at first." " You must be joking!" " Well, the offer still holds." "It's up to you." "Now, could we change the subject?" "Yes, sorry!" "How are things at the bank?" "Heard anything about your promotion?" "Not yet, but I'm definitely on the shortlist." "I've been invited to the company's seminar in Eastbourne." "A seminar in Eastbourne (!" ")" "Sorry." " It's important, this seminar?" " It's where the final interviews will be held." " Well... here's to your future." " OURS." " Yeah." " Don't look like that!" "Please?" "This is supposed to be a happy occasion." "That's just it!" "Everybody's celebrating!" "Boycie and Marlene are off to the States," "Del and Raquel have christened the chavie." "That could be us in a while." "What, a baby?" "No, I meant we could go to America." "It's been an ambition of mine." "Once I get my promotion, we could put some money aside and have a holiday in California or Florida." "Yeah?" "When?" "A couple of years." "Cosmic!" "(TRIG) There are thousands of trees in the world!" "It is not just a bunch of trees!" "It's the Brazilian rainforest, the lungs of the world!" "They are destroying it at the rate of 25 acres a day!" " Where is that, exactly?" " Huh?" "Where is the Brazilian rainforest?" "It's outside Luton!" "Where do you think?" "!" "It's in Brazil!" "Albert, there you are!" "I've booked you a front row seat at the launderama!" "Away you go." "Rodney, I want a word with you." "Give us a decaffeinated cappuccino and a jam doughnut, Sid." "He's on about that bleedin' rainforest again." "That's the fourth lecture this week!" "Well, he's worried about our world." "It wouldn't hurt you to care a bit more - look at that!" "It's fossil fuels." "People don't realise what damage they're doing." "I don't have none of them in my house." "I use gas and oil." " Trig, they ARE fossil fuels." " Are they?" "Well, I'll switch to coal in future." "No!" "Coal is the same!" "I had a coal burner fitted." "It's not as dear as you think." "Put it on Rodney's slate." "(RODNEY) I don't know how many bloody trees there are, Trig!" "Rodders, leave it out!" "You'll never turn this lot "green"" "as long as you've got a hole in your ozone!" "I've got some exciting news to tell you in private." "Come here." "Private, please!" "Thank you." "I give up on you two!" "It's so frustrating trying to explain what is happening on this planet!" "It gives me the hump an' all!" "They are more concerned with a postcard from Boycie and Marlene!" "Gawd, dear!" "We had one this morning!" "It's a lovely hotel." "Del!" "So what's this exciting news?" "Well, I went down the bank to pay in your cheque." "I'd have gone earlier, but I've been having trouble with me wine deal." "Thanks, Sid." " So you have paid it in?" " Of course I have!" "You've got to look after that money." "Don't go sending it off to Sting!" "Anyway, when I was down there, I bumped into Cassandra and we went for lunch." "While I was having lunch, I had this great idea." "I know you like to travel..." "I am not going to Romania!" " Your wine shipment's got problems." " Who said that?" "!" "Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest that made you go pale and sweaty." "It's nothing I can't handle, just a hiccup with the old translation." "Anyway, this idea was for you and Cassandra." "We was talking about Boycie and Marlene's holiday." "Now, it worked out that Cassandra would love to go to America." "On the way here, I called in to see Alex the travel agent." "He has got a once-in-a-lifetime offer!" "It's practically a giveaway!" "Return tickets to Miami, 250 smackeroonies!" "Well, that's a monkey before you got a bed for the night, innit?" "No!" "Here's the cherry on top of the cake - two go for the price of one!" "Think about it, Rodney - you and Cassandra spending a week on Miami Beach!" "Miami..." "Nah, I could never afford it." "'Course you can afford it!" "You've got your Maxwell money, haven't ya?" " Me what?" " Maxwell, your pension money." "Miami...?" "Two for the price of one?" "Rodney, just think about it - she'll love it, I know that." "Imagine how she'll feel when you announce your holiday of a lifetime!" "She'll be all over you like a rash!" "Is that a brilliant idea or just wonderful?" "It's a cosmic idea!" " Would you give me the time off?" " Of course!" "Ace!" "But what about Cassy?" "The bank owe her three weeks' holiday - she told me." "You're off and running, bruv!" "Yeah?" "I'd better go and phone her and make sure it's all right." "No, don't phone her." "Sit down there." "You take her out for dinner, and when you get to the old coffee and the Grand "Monier" stakes, you throw the tickets down on the table and you say," ""Darling, I am taking you to Miami." You'll knock her bandy!" "Yeah!" "I'd better get down that travel agent's a bit sharpish!" "No, no, don't go down there." "Save the shoe leather, Rodney, 'cause you see, I got them for you!" "Derek, you are a diamond!" "How did you know I wanted them?" "Even a plonker like you wouldn't turn your nose up at a deal like this!" "I don't know what I'd do without you!" "I'd never have thought..." "How did you afford it?" "I thought you were skint." "I am." "I cashed one of your cheques." " You took money out of my account?" " Don't you dare thank me!" "It was nothing." "I can forge your signature as easy as that!" "(TV ON)" " All right?" " Lovely, son." " Where is everyone?" " Little 'un's in his cot, Raquel's cooking," "Rodney's taken Cassandra to dinner." "He's gonna tell her about Miami." " I'd love to be there and see her face!" " So would I!" "'Ere, look." "Oi!" "Oi!" "(TV OFF)" "Any calls for me?" " Calls?" " Has the telephone rung" " and a voice asked for me?" " Not that I'm aware of." " Thank God for that!" " Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today." "I was walking past the church where we held the christening, and there was a big articulated lorry outside." "There was some sort of German writing on the side, and the back doors were open." "Full of cases of wine, it was." "And that vicar, the one what christened Damien, he was making the sign of the cross and saying a prayer to this lorry." "Funny old world, innit, eh?" "Listen to me." "Anyone phones or calls round asking for me, I'm not in, all right?" "Does "anyone" mean people with Romanian accents?" "Hello, sweetheart." "No, I didn't mean people with Romanian accents." "I just thought I ought to maintain a bit of a low profile for a while." "I think I'll take a look at Damien." "You dare!" "It's taken me over an hour to get him to sleep!" "All right." "I'll make meself a Singapore Sling to unwind, and take a hot bath." "(DOOR SLAMS)" " Rodney's back." " (DEL) All right, Rodders?" " What does Cassandra say?" " I'm going to bed!" " Everything all right, bruv?" " Brilliant, Del!" "Bloody brilliant!" "Cassandra cannot come to Miami with me!" " (DEL) Eh?" " Why not?" " Because she is busy that week!" " Doing what?" "She has to attend the bank's seminar in bloody Eastbourne!" "She is giving up a trip to Miami for some crappy interview so she can become an executive!" "She should get her priorities right!" " Let's be fair about this." " Let's be fair, Rodney." "These interviews are very important." "Five years of college and evening school have led to this seminar." "You can't expect her to risk her future for a week in the sun." "It's not that." "It's just my luck - any other week would have been fine but, no, it had to be that week!" "I know it's tough, but it's just the way it goes." "Well, for me it is, yeah." " See you in the morning." " Yeah, goodnight, bruv." "Dear, oh, dear, oh, Lord." "That's a bit of a body blow, innit?" "There you are." "Yeah, he was looking forward to that." "He should have phoned Cassandra first." "Yeah." "I told him to phone her." "I said, "Phone her." "Make sure she can make that week!"" "But he wouldn't listen." "You know what he's like." " It's a shame." " Yeah!" "Stupid bank!" "Stupid, stupid bank!" "(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)" "Go to sleep, Damien, otherwise Uncle Rodney will get angry." "You won't like me... (ON INTERCOM)... when I'm angry!" "Look, just pack it in, will ya?" "You don't frighten me, so just go to sleep, you little sod!" " What's he doing in there?" " Having a row with Damien." "How do you work this thing?" "(DISTORTED VOICE ON INTERCOM) Who are you talking to?" "Jesus on a bike!" "What's happened?" "All right, bruv?" " Yeah, yeah, fine." " You look pale." "No..." "I was just thinking, I won't sleep with Damien no more 'cause I keep snoring and waking him up, bless him." "I'll just kip on the sofa if that's all right." " Anything you like, bruv." " I'll just have a quick shower." "(DAMIEN CRIES)" "Sorry." " It's all right." "I'm used to it." " You going, are you?" "All right." "You was really looking forward to going to Miami, weren't ya?" "I had dreams of what it would be like." "You'll get your money back." "No, I won't." "The tickets are non-refundable." " Still going, aren't you?" " Of course I ain't!" "Cassandra will think you're just a puppet who can't do anything unless she pulls your strings!" " But I'll be all on me own." " You're only going for a week!" "What about him?" "He was on his own once for three months on an uninhabited island!" "It wasn't uninhabited when he arrived, but that's another story." "You have to go." "You've got to prove to Cassandra that you're a man and you're not frightened to stand on your own two feet." " You know, you're right!" " So you're going, son?" "Possibly." "He won't go, will he?" "Yeah, of course he'll go, Unc, and do you know why?" "Because I'm going with him!" "There you are." "You've got a lovely cot, haven't you?" "You're all warm and happy." "We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we?" "He can't go to Miami now." "It's a shame." "Shall I put your mobile on for you, the one Daddy bought you?" "Yeah?" "You've got a lovely daddy, haven't you, buying you these presents?" "(MOBILE DOESN'T PLAY TUNE)" "Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney?" "You wouldn't mind, would you?" "He'd only be gone for a week." "(NO MUSIC FROM MOBILE)" "I wonder where Daddy got that from?" "It's a mystery, like so many things!" "Can you persuade Raquel?" "Can Fergie ski (?" ")" "I only wanna go for a week in Miami." "I'm not taking a six-month exhibition up the jungle!" "My Ada weren't too happy when I told her I was going abroad." "You joined the navy and went round the world seven bloody times!" "No wonder the poor cow got the needle!" "Night, night, baby." "Mummy's just outside." "I'll switch your little box on in case you need me." "(DEL ON INTERCOM) All I want to do is go to Miami with Rodney!" "He's got a ticket going begging!" "Raquel has been to America, ain't she?" "What about me?" "I've been nowhere!" "Benidorm and Bognor, that's me!" "Nah, she'll be all right." "Raquel will be OK, you'll see." "Yeah, I'll work her." "Everything will be cushty!" "I wouldn't be surprised if she puts a block on ya." "Leave it out, Uncle." "I'm the guv'nor in this house, ain't I?" "I shall just say, "Raquel, I'm going to Miami with my brother," ""like it or lump it!" "Pick the bones out of that, darling!"" " All right, sweetheart?" " Yeah, he's settled down." "Del's got something to tell you, love." "(RAQUEL) What's that?" "That programme you want to watch is about to start!" " Sit down." " But your dinner's in the oven." "Don't worry, I like it all baked up." "Can I get you a drink?" " No, thanks." " All right." "Are you nice and comfy?" " Mmm." " There you are, darling!" "Cushty!" "Come on, then." "Come to your lover." "That's it." "It's a shame, innit?" "Mmm." "Yes, it's a crying bloody shame." " What is?" " Poor little Rodney." "You mean those tickets to Miami, son?" "That's right." "Cassandra can't go with him so he won't be able to go." " Couldn't Rodney go on his own?" " Definitely not!" " I went to America on my own." " You've got a bit of savvy." "You couldn't have Rodney Trotter AND Dan Quayle on the same continent!" "No, he needs someone to look after him." "That's it, innit?" "But what can you do?" "Mmm..." "Poor little Rodney." " I've got an idea!" " What's that, Unc?" "Why don't he take someone with him?" "That's a good idea!" "I'm surprised you didn't think of that, Del!" "Yeah, so am I. Of course, the trouble is..." " Who?" " Who?" "What about Mickey Pearce?" "Great idea." "It's a brilliant idea." "But the tickets are made out in the name of Trotter." " They're not transferable." " You mean he's got to go" " with someone named Trotter?" " Exactly!" "Exactly." "Oh, dear!" "Poor little Rodney!" " Why don't you go with him, Del?" " Me?" "!" "Yeah!" "Your name's Trotter!" "Yes, yes, great, but..." "But what?" "I couldn't leave you and Damien on your own!" "I'd be here." "That's like asking McDonald's to look after your cow, innit?" "!" "It's only for a week!" "Damien and I could just about manage to survive!" "I couldn't do that." "I'm not that sort of bloke." "I'd be worried sick." "All right, then." "I don't want to make you ill!" "On the other hand, I don't want to be selfish." "I couldn't imagine you being that, Del." "The thing is, this is the chance of a lifetime for little Rodney, the poor little cock!" "And as it was my idea, I feel partly to blame." "Go to Miami, Del!" " Really?" " Really." "You'll love it!" "Terrific!" "Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it." "I'm only doing it for... (BOTH)... poor little Rodney!" "Oh, darling... you know what, Raquel?" "You've got a heart like a diamond." "You know what you remind me of?" "You remind me so much of my mum!" "Thanks." "I'll bring ya back a blinding present!" "'Ere, Rodney." "Del's got some good news for you!" "What's that, then?" "I'm coming to Miami with ya!" "You bloody ain't!" " Eh?" " I ain't going on holiday with you!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me a moment, would you?" "Can I have a word with you in the executive boardroom?" "Wherever you want!" "He's just mixed up." "I'll soon straighten him out." " You've got a bloody nerve!" " Sh!" "Damien!" "What's the matter with you, Rodney?" "Del, I'm not flying 4,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean with you in my earhole all day and night!" "I want a break from all that!" "I've been on holiday with you before!" "That's charming, isn't it?" "Absolutely charming!" "After all that I have done for you!" "What thanks do I get?" "No bloody thanks, that's the thanks I get!" "(DAMIEN CRIES)" "Now look what you've done!" "Sh!" "Damien, sh!" "It's all right!" "Daddy's here." "RAQUEL!" "When we went on holiday, we had a bloody good time!" "YOU had a good time." "Everybody else within a radius of 300 yards was praying their spleen would burst!" "You got drunk, shouted at women, got us into fights..." "We were on holiday!" "Well, this time, I want a more relaxing holiday." "Relaxing?" "I see." "So what you're trying to say is I'm not relaxing company." "(DAMIEN CRIES)" "Raquel!" "The baby's crying!" "Rodney, that's all different now." "That was in the past." "I'm a changed man, see?" "I'm a married man with a baby!" "I've got a baby, and that's the reason why I've changed - because I have got a son whom I cherish." "(RAQUEL SHOUTS) Darling, I'm coming!" "And there's the mother of my son whom cherishes me!" "(RAQUEL) Don't break your back, Trotter, I'll deal with him (!" ")" "Thank you, sweetheart!" "Thank you." "Come on, Rodney, you're judging me by a few misguided incidents, that's all!" "I've told you, I'm changed now!" "Come on!" "You want to go to Miami, don't ya?" "Of course I want to go, but this time I want it to be... sensible." "Sensible?" "'Course you do!" "I'm sensible!" "Sensible's my middle name!" " (RAQUEL) Will you get me a nappy?" " Of course, sweetheart!" "See?" "See that?" "Look, Rodney..." "I mean, look, all I want to do is just sit on a beach and relax." "Same here." "Well, they've got some blinding beaches in Miami!" " Mmm..." " Yeah..." "And they've got some fantastic art museums in Miami." " Yeah?" " Oh, yeah." "I wouldn't mind some of that." "And you can have it, Cinders!" "All you've got to do is say the magic words!" "How are you going to swing it with Raquel?" "I've already done it." "I told..." "(HUSHED) I told her." "I told her straight." "I said, "I wanna go to Miami with Rodney." "You can like it or lump it." ""Pick the bones out of that, darling!"" " (RAQUEL) Derek!" " Coming, sweetheart!" "Come on!" "You and me, eh?" "What do you say?" "Yeah?" "Yeah?" " Eh?" " Well..." "Come on!" "Say the magic words, Rodney!" " Yeah, all right, then." " Yes!" "Good boy!" "That's it, you see?" "You know it makes sense!" "Where's that nappy?" "We're older now, ain't we?" "We can appreciate the finer things in life." "What?" "Not half!" " Do you want this?" " Yeah." "Thanks!" "This time, let's be more, what's the word?" "Sophisticated." "That's a great word." "I've got another word - debonair." "Yeah, yeah." "That's a good word!" "We're beginning to think alike, bruv!" " (RAQUEL YELLS) Derek!" " Coming!" "I'm on me way!" "Look!" "(DEL LAUGHS)" "Good job I kept them, wasn't it?" " Have you seen it, Rodders?" " Seen what?" "You know - our plane!" "It's only a jumbo jet!" "Well, they usually are." "This is transatlantic." "Yeah." "Transatlantic!" "(TANNOY) Would all passengers seated in rows 19 through to 40" " please come forward to board?" " Come on, Rodders, that's us!" " There's no hurry!" " Yes, there is!" "Come on!" "The sooner we're on the plane, the sooner old Biggles can take off!" "Excuse me!" "What's your game, pal?" "Come on, there's no rush!" "Blimey, anybody would think he owned the plane!" "(MUSIC: "EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD" BY TEARS FOR FEARS)" "(TEARS FOR FEARS ON DEL'S STEREO)" "Hey, hey!" "We've done it, Rodders!" " Done what?" " Eh?" " Done what?" " Joined the glitterati!" "The glitterati?" "Eh?" "Take the headphones off!" "Eh?" " Sorry." "What?" " What do you mean, joined the glitterati?" "Well, we have, ain't we?" "We're transatlantic people now." "No more of that Costa Del Sewage for us, bruv." " We're in the big time now!" " I suppose so." "Del, when we land in Miami, before we go to any of the bars, we gotta sort ourselves out some transport and accommodation." "It's all taken care of." "Alex, the travel agent, faxed one of his people in the States." "So we're all fixed up!" "Ace!" "I'll pay Alex when I get back." "I'll do it on me credit card." " I've already done it." " Good." " What, on my credit card?" " Yeah." "That's what you were gonna do, wasn't it?" "Yeah." "I've saved you the bother, bruvver!" "This is your holiday and I don't want nothing to mar it." "Thanks." "We're gonna live it up a little, ain't we?" "Yes, but there are two kinds of living it up, Del - enjoying the freedom from the stresses of work, filling the mind with new sights and sounds, experiencing local cuisine, even indulging in the gifts of nature such as the sea and the sun." " And then there's your kind!" " What exactly do you...?" "There will be no women on this trip!" "Can you be more pacific?" "This holiday is not going to be another Benidorm Revisited." "If I see just one bra hanging off our car aerial, I'm out of there!" "I'm not going to do anything like that!" "I would never have even thought of it!" "I don't know what goes on in that mind of yours, you dirty little devil!" "I'm gonna have a little nap." "Give us a nudge when the old drinks arrive." "How does this go back?" "(SMASHING GLASS)" "(WOMAN) Look what you've done!" "(DEL) Sorry about that!" "(DEL) That will clean off." "Ask for a cloth." "(WOMAN) It's dry clean only!" "(DEL) That's just on the label to impress ya!" "Give me a serviette and I'll do it!" "# Hot town, summer in the city" "# Back of my neck getting dirty, gritty" "# Been down, isn't it a pity" "# Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city All around me, people looking half dead" "# Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head" "# But at night it's a different world" "# Go out and find a girl" "# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night" "# Despite the heat it'll be all right" "# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity The days can't be more like the nights" "# In the summer, in the city" "# In the summer" "# In the city" "# Cool town, evening in the city Dressed so fine and looking so pretty" "# I'm a cool cat looking for a kitty" "# Gonna look in every corner of the city" "# Till I'm wheezing at the bus stop" "# Running up the stairs, I'm gonna meet you on the roof top" "# But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl" "# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night" "# Despite the heat it'll be all right" "# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity" "# The days can't be more like the nights In the summer, in the city" "# In the summer" "# In the city... #" "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" " Hello, anybody here?" " (MAN) Hello!" "I'm in here!" "Hi, how ya doing?" "Our travel agent reckons he's booked a car for us with you." " OK." "You guys on vacation?" " Yeah, a week's holiday." "No kidding?" "You come all the way from Australia for a week?" "No, we're not from Australia." "No, we are English." "You could have fooled me!" "I won't hold you up." "I'll bring it round the front for you." "OK." "Hey, look at this!" " We'll have some of that, eh?" " Yeah, a nice little boat trip!" " Do us the world of good!" " Yeah!" "Wotcha, America!" "This is going to be a holiday to remember, innit?" "You said it, bruv!" "(RUMBLING ENGINE)" "Here we go, Rodders!" " What the hell is this thing?" "!" " Have a nice day!" " And you!" " Thank you." " What are we going to do with that?" " That is where we're going to live." "Alex recommended it." "The advantage is, we don't have to stay in one spot." "We can move about a bit and it's cheap." "Del, there is no way I am going to spend any time in this mobile ghetto with you!" "You're not going to spend any time..." "I was only trying to save you money, and we won't be trapped, will we?" "When we get to a campsite, we can dump this and go walkies." "We could have booked a hotel!" "Oh, bloody hell!" "I don't believe that I've got..." "All right, on one condition!" "What is the condition?" "No curries!" "All right, no curries." "Come on, then!" "Let's go and see America!" "Hey, hey!" "(LAUGHS)" "Here we go, Rodders!" "# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas" "# Is the one I'm gonna see" "# The Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me!" "#" " DEL!" " (MAN) You jerk!" "You're on the wrong side of the road!" " They drive on the right-hand side over here!" " Oh, yeah!" "# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas is the one I'm gonna see!" "# The Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me!" "#" "Yeah, what is it?" "All right." "Hey, Tony, Lurch, Gino, smarten up!" "The Don's left the courthouse." " Rico." " Yeah, Pop?" "Who are those goons in the car?" " Police surveillance, nothing to worry about." " Nothing to worry about?" "!" "I got cops outside my front gate!" "What happened to my civil rights?" "They kinda diminished after they arrested you, Pop." "But you've been released on bail, so be happy." "Be happy (!" ") Be happy, huh?" "One week from now, I got a jury sitting in judgement on me!" "I might spend the rest of my life in San Quentin, and my son wants to throw a party!" "What are ya, huh?" "What are ya?" "I want to speak to my lawyer now!" "Salvatore!" "Salvatore..." "Don Occhetti." "Salvatore..." " Haven't I always been good to you?" " Yes, Don Occhetti." " Haven't I done favours for your family?" " Yes, Don Occhetti." " Have I ever done you harm?" " There was that time when..." "No, Don Occhetti." "So maybe this time, Salvatore can help me, because I'm a little confused." "This is the way I read the situation." " You're my lawyer, correct?" " Yes, Don Occhetti." "Yet here I am looking at three to four life sentences in the slammer, so why the hell don't you get off your ass and bury this rap?" " We have problems proving your innocence." " Why?" "'Cause you're guilty." "When I say "guilty", what I mean is..." " Guilty of what?" "!" " Kidnapping, drug-smuggling, accessory to three counts of murder." "Just gossip!" "Hmm..." "Maybe I made a few mistakes in the past, you know?" "Nobody's perfect!" "You listen to me." "When my father - God bless that man's spirit - when he arrived on these shores from Sicily in 1930, this was a land of democracy and law and order." "Now, he fought to change all that, but look at us now, huh?" "What have all his efforts amounted to, huh?" "Zilch, that's what." "Zilcho!" "Salvatore, you call yourself a lawyer?" "You're a schmuck!" "And that goes for you, too, Rico!" "If your mother was alive - God bless her soul - she would disown you!" "Come on, Pop!" "I tell you this, Rico, I never thought I'd see the day when a son of mine would stand back and watch his own father spend the rest of his life in the state pen sharing meat loaf with the faggots!" "If I go down, all the families will carve up our empire like dogs fighting over a weenie-roast." "Every Marielito-punk from Little Havana will want a slice!" "And what about the Colombian?" " What Colombian?" " "What Colombian?" he says!" " What, are you a jerk, Salvatore?" " Just sit down, will ya?" "Next week, Senor Vasquez arrives here from Colombia to settle our little deal." "What do you think he's gonna do if he thinks I've gone down the tube?" "I'm getting very worried, Salvatore." "I'm getting very nervous about the future." "(BURPS)" "Do you hear that?" "That's peptic gas." "That's caused by nervous exhaustion!" "What happened to the ancient Sicilian traditions of bribery, blackmail and intimidation?" "This isn't the police." "This is the FBI." "We can't pay those guys off." "The jury is locked in a guarded hotel, the witnesses got 24-hour protection." "We can't reach anybody!" " Maybe I should do something, huh?" " You can't, Pop!" "The police surveillance team is watching you." "They even got a TV camera crew filming you for a documentary." "They're filming me?" "Am I a common criminal or something?" "Rico, take some money from the family account and buy me the DA." "You buy me the judge, you buy me the senator." "People owe me favours." " I want these favours returned!" " We've tried and had no takers." "It looks like people are turning their backs on you." "That is a very impolite and highly dangerous thing to do!" "This is what I want you to do." "I want you to keep searching and to keep thinking, because somewhere, somewhere out there lies the answer to my problems!" "Look at the state of that!" "You wouldn't go near that unless you had all your own teeth!" "They say that smoking's BAD for your chest (!" ")" "(TANNOY) Miami has been nicknamed "Cocainesville", and the officers of Biscayne Bay fight a year-round battle with drug runners." "On your left is the home of Barry Gibb, lead singer of the Bee Gees." " Rodders, look!" "There's a real live Bee Gee!" " 'Course it ain't!" " He's probably the gardener!" " It's him!" "It's Barry Gibb!" "(DEL SHOUTS) All right, Bazza?" " Shut up!" "That's not him!" " It is!" "(SHOUTS) How deep is your love, is your love?" "How deep is your love?" "I need all this (!" ")" "I reckon you was right, Rodders." "It weren't him." " Most probably the gardener." " Yeah?" "What did I say?" "(DISCO MUSIC)" "Come on, Rodney, bellies in!" "I still think it would be better to drive to the camper site now and book in first." "It's only quarter to eight." "There's plenty of time to get to the old campsite!" "There's also plenty of time for you to get drunk after we've booked in!" "Get drunk?" "You enjoy putting me down, don't you?" "You think I'm just a one-dimensional person." "Well, you're wrong!" "The only reason I want to go into that club is to phone Raquel, because I promised her I would as soon as we arrived." "What's wrong with the public call box over there?" "You can't get a drink in there!" " Come on!" " What shall we do with our luggage?" "Let's bring it with us and put it in the middle of the dance floor and boogie round it like them sorts at the Nag's Head when they have a disco with their handbags!" "No need to be sarky!" "What are you talking about, disco and boogie?" "Del, I am not boogie-ing!" "Keep your voice down!" "We are ambassadors for our country!" "We don't want people thinking we're lager louts!" "Excuse me." "Mais oui!" "(DISCO MUSIC)" "Hey, Juan!" "Over here, Juan!" "When you're ready, son." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "I'm sorry, but this club is for members only." "You what?" "Sorry, signore, I did not realise it was you!" "Please accept my deepest and sincerest apologies!" "I am honoured that you should choose to visit my humble nightclub." "Please may I offer you a drink?" "Yeah, we'll have a Cuba Libre" " and something non-alcoholic." " Of course." " We'll be sitting over there." " I will be with you immediately." "(RICO) There's gonna be a war!" "(SALVATORE) Maybe not." "The only thing that can prevent it is if you find an alibi for my father." "I have to find your father nine alibis!" "How the hell am I supposed to do that in a week?" "How can the Justice Department do this?" "Don't they know who he is?" " Yeah, that's the problem!" " When the jury foreman says "Guilty", the war begins." "Maybe not." "Do you think the rest of the families are gonna pretend the old man is still in power?" " They're gonna go to war!" "Am I right?" " You're right." " Tony?" " Right." " Am I right?" " Maybe not." "You see?" "There's gonna be a war!" " Signore Ricardo..." " Can't you see I'm in a meeting?" "I would like to explain." "If I had know HE was coming tonight, I would have arranged a private room." "If you'd known who was coming here?" "Your father." " My father." " (PAULY) Is this some kind of joke?" "Don Occhetti can't even get to the john without the police tailing him." "But he is here!" "See for yourself!" "Lovely jubbly!" "How much do we owe you?" "Please!" "It's on the house." "You are my guests!" " Would you like to eat?" " No, thanks." "We had something earlier." "If there's anything that you should require, as always, I am at your service!" "Big mouth!" "The grub would most probably be free an' all!" "'Course it wouldn't!" "Do you know what we're dealing with here?" " What?" " American hospitality!" "They're famous for it!" "The most friendliest people in the entire world!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Yo, Gino, it's Tony." "Is the Don there?" "He's in the pool." "Can you actually see him?" "Good!" "Dad's at home." "The guy over there ain't him!" "Listen carefully." "Tell my father to stay in his room till I get back tonight." "Just... tell him I may have a surprise for him." "Tell you what..." " I'm boilin'!" " That's strange, that." "Here you are in a tropical climate, wearing a worsted polyester blue serge suit," " and you feel hot?" " Yeah." "Weird!" "Hi!" "How you guys doing?" "All right." "Yeah - great time." "Smashing, thank you." "Good." "Let me guess." "You're not local people." "(RODNEY) No." "(LAUGHTER)" "(INDISTINCT)" "Come on, one more." "One more." "No, really." "We're pushing our luck as it is." "No, he's right, Rico." " Come on!" " You've got time for one more." " Go on, then, one for the road." " No, Del." "Come on, mate." "The campsite will be shut and we'll be locked out." "I didn't realise it was so late." "We've got to be going." "Well, Rodney..." "Del Boy!" "Rico!" "Thanks very much!" "It's been really great meeting you guys!" "Thanks a lot, and we enjoyed your company and everything." "We've got to go." "See you later, yeah?" "Thanks a lot."