"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "This is Castle Duckula... within whose dismal depths... a vile and viscid red stain... spreads slowly across the carpet... spreading out the awful truth." "Yes!" " Nanny!" " Yes, my dear?" "You've left the top off the ketchup bottle again." "Oh, look at that stain." "It's all over the carpet." "Sir, in your father's day, there was always a stain on the carpet." "That one was a red-haired dairy maid." "This, a window cleaner with a wooden leg." "Yes, thank you, Igor." "I don't wish to know that." "And here are you worried in case you hurt the feelings..." " of a spring onion." " Igor." "You're a sad disappointment to me, sir." "And you'll be an ex-butler to me if you don't leave it alone." "Ah, yes, sir." "I beg your pardon, sir." "Would you like me to torture a tea bag for you, sir?" "No, Igor, I would not." "I just want to be left in peace to enjoy my Yoga session." "Uhh." "Yoga." "Oh, no." "What now?" "It's only Nanny, my little Duckypoos." "Yes, all right." "Come in." "Not another door." "Well, I'm very sorry, my dear, only I couldn't find the handle." "Did you look on the side opposite the hinges?" "Ooh, what a good idea." "Ho ho!" "I must try to remember that." " Ahh." " Ohh." "OK, Heinrich, stand quite still." "Any moment now, you're going to be the first person... to be made inwisible by my inwisibilitizing ray." "Uh-huh." "Und vier, drei, zwei, eine..." "Und fire!" "Now, removing my anti-radiation goggles, I am, und..." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Wunderbar and glockenspiel." "You have disappeared." "Oh!" "Ha ha!" "It works." "How do you feel, Heinrich?" "Heinrich?" "Are you there?" "Are you out shopping?" "Are you out for the count?" "Oh, no, no, that's me." "I'm out for the Count." "Ha ha!" "Ha ha ha!" "Count Duckula." "Ha!" "Ja." "Now I will be able to creep up on his underwears." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "On him unawares." "Ha ha!" "Then the most wickedest, the most evilest... the most sucking the blood mit der "Ah"... und the nastiest villain will perish." "Dear me, I like a good laugh." "Ooh, dear, is my little Duckyboos all right, Mr. Igor?" "He is not your little Duckyboos, Nanny." "He is the master, and, no, he is not all right... as I fear that he is further betraying his evil destiny... by wasting his time on Yoga... when he should be practicing the black arts of the Vampire." "I didn't know he had a girlfriend." " Girlfriend?" " Well, this here Nora... or Lola or whatever her name is." " Yoga." " That's it." "She sounds foreign to me." "Yoga is not a girl, Nanny." "The master is trying to lift his consciousness onto a higher plane." "Ooh, I don't like flying." "It makes me dizzy." "Something else got there first." "And what's that there dreary song he's singing?" "That is not a song." "He is chanting his mantras." "Oh, go on, he's not on a mattress." "Oh, I've had it." "I shall go mad." "Well, I'm not having any more of it." "Master Duckula, just you stop being silly." "Eh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Hmm?" "What?" "I've heard all about you guarding your mattress... and running off with this Olga in a hired plane." " Nanny, what..." " And what's more... you'll stick like that." "Now get up and don't be silly... or I won't let you have your teddy bear to sleep with you." "Oh, sir, let me persuade her to make you a chicken sandwich with apron sauce." "Look, all I want, Igor, is peace and quiet." "Now will you kindly leave me alone?" "Oh, peace and quiet." "Yoga, soya beans." "I fear no bad will come of this." "Sulk, sulk, sulk." "That's all you ever do, Heinrich." "Oh." "You don't help me load the machine." "You won't read the map." "You won't talk to me." "Just because I am making you inwisible." "For science, a little suffering is necessary." "Heinrich?" "Are you listening?" "Oh, look, it wears off after a while." "Soon, wisible again you will be." "All right, so don't talk... und I'll find a way to Castle Duckula." "Hey, what do you know?" "Ha ha!" "Arriving we are, hmm?" "Get ready to unload... und get ready to wipe out the wampire menace of Transylvania." "Oh, no!" "Can't I get any peace?" " Igor!" " Sir?" "Igor, what's all that..." "Are you all right, milord?" "Yes." "Ah!" "It's just the Yoga position." "Ah!" "It's cut off the circulation." "Oh, sir, it's wonderful to hear you taking an interest... in the blood supply again." "Forget it." "Forget it, Igor, forget it." "I just want to know what all that bumping is." "Nothing to do with me, milord." "Ah, it'll be Nanny... in the kitchen, milord, swatting flies." "Swatting flies?" "How could swatting flies make so much noise?" "She likes to swat them with the refrigerator, milord." "She swats them with the refrige..." "Well, why can't she use the fly swat?" "Oh, no, sir, I use that." "Ah, you swat the flies?" "No, no, sir, I use it to stir the soup." "To stir the..." "You..." "You mean you stir my vegetarian soups with a fly swat?" "Ah, sir, think... a bluebottle today, the underfootman tomorrow." "Right, that's it, that's it." " That is it." "That did it." " Sir?" "I am sick to death of you interfering in my life." " But, sir..." " I am sick and tired... of you trying to get me back to being the vampire I was... when I was my father..." " Sir, I..." " I'm fed up to the back teeth." "Oh, I love the way you say "teeth."" "...live a normal life with a proper job to go to... and a little wife and family around me." "Disgusting." "So, go and get Nanny and report to me in five minutes." "Ha, have I got news for you." "Why, Heinrich, are you not catching it... when I am to you passing it out of the basket?" "Oh, look what you have done." "Ohh." "Well, that's it." "That did it." "Ah!" "Have I got news for you." "You're fired!" "You're fired!" "Get out of my sight!" "Um, uh, wherever you are." "Oh..." "Now, then..." "I shall have to test the inwisibility ray... to make sure that still it working is." "And I've finally taken all that I can stand... so I'm closing the place down, and I'm going to get myself a proper job." "Might I ask as what, milord?" "Certainly." "As a..." "As a..." "As a..." "As a..." "Well, don't you worry." "I'll think of something." "Yes, of course, sir." "Oh, yes, I will, and I won't have to put up with you two anymore... because you are fired." " Fired, milord?" " Ooh!" "Yes." "Dismissed." "Sacked." "Sent packing." "Given the push, the boot, and the shove... to go forthwith at once." "As of this moment in time, you are fired." "You can both collect your cards at the end of the..." "Cards." "Yes, that's it." "That's what I can do." "I don't think I quite follow you, milord." "A magician... that's what I'll be." "A magician?" "I've still got my number three conjurer's outfit... that Uncle Bloodbath gave me for my seventh birthday." "Um, I don't want to appear stupid, Master Duckula..." "Then you'd better disappear altogether." "Hmm." "Hey, yes." "Ha ha!" "I'll make you disappear." "Wait here." "So..." "I just hope all the boom crashing upset my machine has not." "Hmm." "Now, then..." "Eine, zwei... drei, und... fire!" "It is kaput!" "You see what you've done, Heinrich?" "Mein beautiful Dr. Von Goosewing inwisible making... while I creep up on the wampire and zap him... with mein high quality stake is kaput!" "Oh, I never want to see you again, you hear?" "You..." "Hansel und Gretel!" "It working is!" "Wait!" "Where the ray is going?" "Argh!" "No!" "I do wish you could have found something other... than a jug of custard, Nanny." "Yes, well, never mind that now." "Keep it still while I make it disappear." "Is it all right if I leave now, sir?" "No, Igor, it is not." "You finish at five forever." "Until then you're the audience." "Oh, dear." "Now, where's the book of instructions?" "Aha." "Here we are." "Wave the magic wand as in diagram "A."" "Yes." "And say the magic words Betsy Coed Vandrindog Well." "Great heavens!" "Wow!" "Wow, wow, wow, wow!" "I did it, I did it!" "Ooh, dear!" "I forgot the jug of custard." "No." "No, you didn't, Nanny." "I'll just go and get it." "Oh, Nanny." "You see, you didn't forget the custard." "No, you're right." "Oh!" "I just forgot to bring the jug." "No, no, Nanny, it was me." "Oh, I never forgot you, did I?" "No." "I mean it was me who made the jug disappear." "Remember?" "Huh?" "Betsy Coed Vandrindog Well." "Um..." "Was you at school with them?" "Oh, no." "Look, just... just forget it." "Forget it." "But it means I'm a success!" "Ha!" "Yeah." "I shall be famous." "The Amazing Ducko and his Vanishing Custardo." "Wonderful." "I can see it now." "So can I, milord." "It's all over the best carpet." "Oh, who cares, Igor?" "It's good-bye Castle Duckula, hello Caesar's Palace." "It means..." "Rumplestiltskin!" "It's Goosewing." "It's that wretched Von Goosewing again." "Oh, why can't he leave me alone?" "He's just doing his job, sir." " Doing his job?" " As a vampire hunter." "Now, if you were to accept your role in life... there'd be no problem, milord." "I am not going to become a vampire... just to keep you and that lunatic Goosewing happy." "I am going to become a famous magician... if only to make you and Goosewing and that brainless Nanny disappear." "Donner und Blitzen!" "Heinrich, I got problems." "Well done, Goosewing." "You got Igor as well." "Oh, sir, how could you?" "More to the point, how could he?" "What's he up to?" "I'm going to find out." "Nanny, see if you can find Igor." "I'll be back in a minute." "Ooh, now, then, he must be about here somewhere." "Mr. Igor!" "Mr. Igor!" "Nanny!" "Look where you're going, Nanny." "L..." "Ah!" "I've found him, Master Duckula!" "You know, Sviatoslav..." "I had an American cousin who had an invisible money box." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "But he threw it away." "Why should your American cousin throw away his money box?" "He couldn't see the cents in it." "Dumkopf machine!" "Heinrich, for this you are in trouble." " Goosewing!" " Ah!" "Ah, nein!" "You!" "Yes, me." "What do you think you're doing?" "I'm going to get you, you blood sucking willian." "Look, Goosewing, once and for all, take your machine and disappear." "Oh, no!" "How now am I going to creep up on the wampire... when the wampire's inwisible?" "Hey, that takes a bit of saying." "Let's all try that one together." "One, two, und..." "What do you mean, "Never mind, milord"?" "Who wants to be a magician... if the white rabbit's going to get all the applause?" "Well, I'm sure I heard someone say... that the effects wear off after a while, sir." "In the meantime, I have asked Nanny to bring us afternoon tea." "Ah, that'll be her now." "Ooh!" "They aren't here." "Yes, Nanny, we are here." "His Lordship and I are invisible, that's all." "Oh, well, in that case you'd better give us a wave... so I knows where you are." "Yeah, OK, then, Nanny." "Coo-eee!" "I'm waving." "L..." "What am I doing?" "I'll just put the tea on the sideboard." "Look out, Nanny, you're going to run into me." "Whoops-a-daisy!" "Sorry." " Nanny." " Careful, you'll trip over Igor." "But where are you, my little Ducky... ooh!" "Oh, there you are." "Yes, and thanks a lot, Nanny." "I' really into cream cakes..." "and I mean that." "Ooh, Master Duckula, Mr. Igor, you're back." "Never mind my back." "What's happened to my legs?" "No, sir, they're not your legs." "They're my legs." " What?" " And my legs are your legs." "That's right... share and share alike." "That's what I always say." "And, Nanny, you're an idiot." "That's what I always say." "Something terrible is amiss." "Mmm." "You can say that again." "Phew." "When did you last change your socks?" "I'm a great believer in tradition, milord." "This is ridiculous." "I can't go around looking like this." "We've got to get hold of Von Goosewing and make him change us back." "Ahem." "Speaking of change, milord..." "Yes?" "Might I have the 37 drachmas you have in my left hand trouser pocket?" "No time for that now." "Igor, come on..." "and bring a garbage can lid." "Oh, no!" "Heinrich, where are you?" "Ow!" "Help!" " Goosewing!" " What?" "You!" "Und him!" "Or... or do I mean him und you?" "Or... or do I really mean most of you... und ein bit of him und vice versa the other way around?" "What you mean, Goosewing... is that your stupid machine has got me and Igor all mixed up." " It's a disaster!" " Absolutely." "Dr. Goosewing, he's got my thirty-seven drachmas." "Oh, be quiet, Igor." "Well, I'm going to destroy the thing." " Oh, no, you're not." " Oh, yes, I am." "Oh, no, you are not!" " I am, yes." " You are, nein!" " I am, too." " That's eleven." " No, it's not." " It is, ja." " Not." " Ja!" " Is." " Look out!" "Look what you did!" "Look at it... inwisible!" "If I may say so, Dr. Von Goosewing... that invitation comprises an inherent contradiction... since we can hardly look at what is not..." "Waah!" "Ooh!" "It's got Nanny." "Also mein head it's got." "Yes, well... if we can only get your head on Nanny's shoulders... you might both be a bit of use." "Master Duckula!" "Stay where you are, Nanny." "But I don't know where I am, Master Duckula." "Does she ever?" "Ooh!" "Am I here, Master Duckula?" "Are you carrying a tray loaded with my priceless Dresden china tea service?" "Well, I was, Master Duckula, but then I disappeared." "Well, look, just be very careful with it." "Well, that's the trouble, Master Duckula." "We don't know whether I'm carrying it... with my good arm or my bad arm." " Nanny, don't be so..." " Here, I know." "I'll change arms." "No, Nanny, for heaven's..." "Aah!" "Ooh!" "I was carrying it with my good arm after all." "Yeah, well, that's just as well." "You might have dropped it." " Ooh, yes." " No, Nanny, Nanny." "Achtung!" "My machine, she's starting himself again!" "Oh, no." "So!" "Aha!" "The wampire is rewealed." "Now I shall zap him once and for alles." "Charge!" "Oh, no!" "Goosewing, you've got me all wrong." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "If I've got you, zat's all right." "Geronimo!" "Oh, curses!" "That Rumplestiltskin machine." "Where..." "Where are you, you villain?" " Over here." " So!" "Aha!" "Now you shall perish!" "Charge!" "Ooh!" "Uh, uh, bet it's... I..." "I am your pardons begging." "You saucy little thing." "Ooh, you're a one for the girls, ain't you, eh?" "Oh, no, madames, honest, I..." "Come here, you little chuckle bunny." "Chuckle bunny?" "No!" "Please!" "Please!" "Please, leave me alone!" "Go on!" "Go on, Nanny!" "Catch him, and he's yours!" "Oh, Nanny, can I be the best man?" " Ooh, cuddles!" " Help!" "Help!" "I never knew you cared." "Come here, you lovely little dumpling, you." "Heinrich!" "The balloon!" "Oh, safe I am." "Oh!" "She shall not take me alive." "All aboard who's going aboard!" "My flower, don't leave me!" "Made it." "Good-bye!" "Good-bye!" " Oh." " Aw..." "You brute." "And on our wedding eve." "Never mind, Nanny." "You'd have broken him in a week." "Speaking of which..." " Hey, Igor, I'm back to normal!" " Milord." "And you and Nanny are back to abnormal." " Thank you, milord." " Thank you, milord." "And Goosewing is..." "Oh." "Oh, dear." "I'll be back, you wampire willain... und quicker than you think!" "No, Goosewing, you'll be back quicker than you think." "What?" "Ah." "Aah!" "And so as the doormakers of old Transylvania... prepare for another record year... and Dr. Von Goosewing takes his journey to the center of the earth... we say farewell to the darkly looming pile that is Castle Duckula." "Good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"