"* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like *" "* A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one *" "* Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute *" "* You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try, try To separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try And you will only come *" "* To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "Hi, Marce." "Thanks." "So I'm not crazy." "You did just call and say," ""Please bring over your garbage"?" "Yeah." "This'll save me a lot of work." "This garbage I'm making doesn't smell." "Yours doesn't either." "Of course not." "We're vegetarian." "Well, that's okay." "I'll just add a pair of Al's socks." "Peggy, what are you doing?" "I'm getting myself a VCR." "I see." "No, you don't." "You're not a housewife." "You have your own money." "I have to use strategy." "You see, when you first get married, you can withhold sex, but then they get to like that, so you have to put a little spin on the ball." "You see, I have to pretend to clean to remind Al how hard my work is." "He'll come in that door any minute, sit down on the couch, put one hand down his pants and the other hand here, on this VCR ad." "Excuse me, Peggy, but why don't you just say, "Honey, I want a VCR"?" "Because Al works very hard for his money, and he deserves me to work equally as hard to get him to spend it on me." "To continue..." "He'll say, "Why do we need a VCR?" "Because you want to watch Phil and tape Oprah?" Ha!" "I mean, everyone knows that you watch Oprah and tape Phil." "Men." "God love 'em." "They're just children with paychecks." "So I'll grovel for a while, and I'll get my VCR." "But don't you find this demeaning?" "Just the part where I have to explain it to you." "Ooh, there's his car." "I better get going." "Oh, no." "Stick around." "You might lose your job someday and have to be a woman." "Oh, hi, honey." "I didn't hear you pull up." "How was your day?" "I sell shoes, okay?" "Jeez, it stinks in here." "Oh, well." "What's for dinner?" "What's this?" "Gee, I don't know." "Let's see." "Son of a gun." "They're having a sale on VCRs." "What are those?" "Video Something Recorders." "That's a good price, isn't it?" "It's not bad." "You know, if we had one of these, you could tape the Cubs game while you were at work." "Come on." "You just want one because Phil and Oprah are on at the same time, and it's killing you." "Oh, please, Al." "Please, can I have one?" "Well..." "Stop, please!" "I can't stand any more." "Then maybe you should go home." "Please, Al." "Al, this is so simple." "Peggy wants a VCR, but she's afraid you'll say no." "Then she's smarter than you." "Peggy, you don't have to stand for this." "It is the tragedy of our times that a housewife has to beg for what she's entitled to." "Just because Peggy Bundy's contribution is in the home doesn't mean it's any less valuable than Al Bundy's in the workplace." "You can't have a VCR." "What gives you the right to make that decision?" "Because the name on this check says Al Bumby." "Al Bumby?" "Well, that's not important." "What's important is that I can cash it... maybe... because I earned it, and that's the bottom line." "I'll get the door, and when I get back, Al, we'll discuss this while I spit-shine your shoes." "Oh, hi, Steve." "Hi, Peggy." "Honey, I just wanted to tell you This Old House is coming on." "Bob's gonna test for a septic tank." "Just a second, Steve." "I'm settling an argument here." "Al is a cheap, sexist, primitive throwback of a human being." "So, what's the argument?" "Peggy, if Al doesn't appreciate your contributions, then it's time to take them elsewhere." "You want a VCR, I have the solution." "You're going to get a job." "She's not getting a job." "You know, Al, it's probably none of my business, but there are advantages to having a working wife." "For one thing, it gave us enough money to buy the house next to yours." "No, wait, that's a disadvantage." "But there are some advantages." "Like what?" "You tell him, Al." "Well, for one thing, you'll have two paychecks coming in." "It sure helps around bill time." "I don't care." "In the history of the Bundy family, no wife has ever worked outside or inside the home." "I'm not about to change." "Think of Peggy." "What, do you think she wants to sit around all day just watching TV?" "Women aren't like that anymore." "You know, I talked with a customer today who had a job that would be perfect for Peggy." "Oh, gee, guys." "I already have a job." "My family needs me." "Kelly, honey, you want me to make you some dinner?" "Oh, no, Mom." "I'm gonna eat at Joanie's house." "Her mom makes homemade stuff." "Oh." "Well, be careful." "You never know what they put in that." "15 is the most crucial age of all." "You really have to keep after them." "Oh, and, Bud, my baby." "Excuse me, but I promised Bud" "I'd help him with his homework." "It's all done, Mom." "Oh, and I wrote that letter for you to get you out of jury duty." "Well, you must be tired." "Do you want something to eat?" "No thanks." "I don't have time to cook right now, Mom." "Peggy, the kids are obviously old enough to take care of themselves." "And Al, well, he'll learn." "Just put an L and an R on each of his shoes, and he should be fine." "Careful, Steve." "Someone's gonna steal this one away." "I think we're overlooking the most important thing." "And that is, what does Peggy want?" "Yes." "What does Peggy want?" "I want a VCR." "And the only way to get it and feel good about yourself is to get this job." "You do want to work, don't you?" "Then it's settled." "I'm so excited." "I can't wait to go home and call about the job." "Come on, Steve." "Welcome to the work force, Peg." "Now, remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work." "She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure." "So when she comes down those stairs," "I want everyone to stand behind her like a family." "Try not to laugh." "Hi, Al." "Came to pick Peggy up for work." "Well, how do I look?" "You look great." "Fabulous." "Super." "Fabulous." "Groovy." "Fabulous." "That's enough." "All right, Peg." "A few words of advice." "As soon as you walk out that door, you'll feel a warm sensation on your head and shoulders." "Don't panic." "That's just our friend, the sun." "And Al, if you should feel a sudden sharp pain where you sit, that's just your friend, my foot." "Come on, Peggy." "You're gonna love this." "You're gonna come home tonight with a real sense of accomplishment." "Yeah, you're right." "I've been cooped up in this house much too long." "It's time to say goodbye and move on." "Goodbye, Bud." "Mom, please, you're a strong woman." "Goodbye, Kelly." "Mom, my hair." "Well, Al, I'm off to work." "Thank you, Al." "You have a good day too." "Don't worry, Peggy, it'll be fine." "It's gonna be a great job, and you'll be surprised at just how quickly the day goes by." "Do you have any clocks?" "No." "Oprah's doing a whole week on "Transsexuals:" "Which bathroom should they use?"" "Really?" "Phil's doing a show on "Male Potency:" "A thing of the past."" "You know, nowadays you really need a VCR." "Yeah." "Let's buy one." "Let's get two." "Oh, hello." "I'm Mr. Pond." "Ernst Pond." "I'm one of your superiors." "You have many." "Now, let's see... is it Miss Bundy or Mrs.?" "Ms." "Ah." "Then it's Miss." "It's Mrs." "Hey, look." "Do you have any openings in the TV department?" "You just don't start in TV." "You rise to it." "Besides, we prefer to put men in the TV department." "We find women tend to waste a lot of time watching Oprah." "Or is it Phil?" "I get them confused." "Hey, did you love that training film?" "Muldin's:" "The First 100 Years." "How in the world did you get William Shatner to narrate?" "We gave him a VCR." "Didn't you love that aerial shot of all the employees spelling out the name Muldin's?" "Yeah." "Wasn't it the top of your head I saw dotting the I?" "It was." "Now I leave you to your happy task, Mrs. Bundy" "And don't forget." "Tomorrow is daylight savings time so you have to reset all the clocks." "Have a Muldin's day." "And 1 and 2 and 3 and 4." "On your back and 2 and 3 and 4." "Like a dog and 2 and 3 and 4." "Hi, Bud." "Hi, Mom." "So how was your first day at work?" "Much like my first day as a mother." "Where's your sister?" "Kelly!" "Mom's home." "Mom!" "Oh." "I missed you so much." "Well, I better go." "I have someone waiting for me." "Can I have $5.00?" "Yeah." "Thanks, Mom." "Where's your daddy?" "He went out in the garage." "What did he make you for dinner?" "Marshmallows." "Well, where's the dog?" "He's out barfing marshmallows." "It looks like winter out there." "Go clean it up." "Right, Mom." "You look beat." "Fix me some dinner, okay?" "Forget it, Al." "I'm too tired." "Well, I'm tired too, but I made dinner for the kids." "Marshmallows, Al?" "Hey, we toasted them, Peg." "I am not cooking dinner, Al." "I work now." "And I'm glad that you do." "Because now that you're bringing in some extra money, we can get some stuff we need." "New bike for Bud, a tutor for Kelly, and maybe some fishing gear for me." "Hey, wait a minute, Al." "What about my VCR?" "This is my money we're talking about now." "How come when I make it, it's our money, but when you make it, it's your money?" "Well, we'll leave that to the historians." "But in the meantime, anything you make is our money, and we're getting fishing gear." "I don't want fishing gear." "Hey, I didn't want new clothes for the kids, but I gave in." "And what's good for the goose is good for the goose's wife." "Great to be working isn't it?" "Get the door, Al." "I work now." "You get the door." "I work too." "I got home last." "I work longer." "Then you should be used to it." "Now, go see who it is." "It's Marcie." "Hi, Peggy." "How was your first day at work?" "I hate working." "That's why I got married." "And now I'm not even getting a VCR." "Oh, the kids are getting what they want." "Al's getting what he wants." "But me?" "Hmph." "I miss Phil." "I miss Oprah." "I miss my empty life." "Congratulations, Peggy." "You've learned what it is to be a woman of today." "The freedom to make your own choices." "You tried work." "You hate it." "Now you can choose to quit." "No, I can't." "You see, Al comes home every day, and if I ask him to do something for me or to me, he says he's too tired from work." "So if I quit, then he'll know that I know that work is hard." "And that'll be the end of any fun I'll have in our marriage." "No." "The only way out is to get Al to make me quit." "Then you're gonna keep the job?" "I have to." "Well, I meant what's best for you." "I think it'll work out fine." "And don't think I don't appreciate it, Marcie." "Hello, Pizza Shack?" "I'd like 15 of your Gutbucket pizzas delivered to Marcie Rhoades." "Oh, free garlic bread with every order?" "No, thanks." "We'll pay for it." "Okay, kids!" "Marshmallows are ready!" "Marshmallows again?" "They're fresh today, we don't have to toast them, and they're on a bun." "Dad, it's been a week." "Why don't you just break down and go to the supermarket and buy some actual food?" "You know, the kind Mom used to defrost." "No." "I hate the supermarket." "I always wind up in the 2000 Items or Less aisle behind some ugly lady in a muumuu and curlers." "And when everything is totaled up, then they go for the checkbook, like it never occurred to them that they have to pay." "And then they always turn around and ask me, "What's the date?"" "Like it matters to me." "All they gotta do is look at the date on their milk." "and add one." "Come on." "Let's have some enthusiasm here." "Campfire burgers for everybody." "Buck!" "Dinner!" "Where is that stupid dog?" "Come in!" "Al, you know your dog just jumped the fence into my yard?" "He's coughing up little white puffs." "All right, then, there's more for us, eh, kids?" "All right." "Go get him back." "How, Dad?" "Well, I was saving this chocolate bar for me, but he is the family dog." "Don't give it to him." "Just draw him with the scent." "Go on." "It's the only protein in the house." "That's all right." "I got 15 more pizzas at home." "So, Al..." "How's Peggy's new job working out?" "Oh, great, Steve." "Yeah, she's pulling in a clear 90 bucks a week." "Of course she's spending 400 bucks a week." "Yeah, she needed a new smock at Muldin's, then, of course, she needed some new clothes." "And then she wanted some new shoes." "Well, that's no problem." "You sell shoes." "No, she wanted good shoes." "So the way I figure it, if she keeps working any longer, we'll all be living in the gutter." "Actually, I won't be living in the gutter." "I'll be in prison for killing your wife." "Well, before you go down that long, lonesome road, Al, why don't you try this?" "Ask Peggy to quit." "No, I can't do that." "See, the truth is, I like having her at home." "Well, she'd love to hear that." "Yeah, I'm sure she would, but I'm not gonna tell her." "Because then I'd have nothing to complain about, and I love complaining." "No, if I got her to quit, she'd lord it over me for the rest of my life." "She'd say, "I wanted to work, but you want me home, so now I'm home, so shut up!"" "And that would be the end of all my fun in the marriage." "No, I gotta think of another way." "Ah, gee, Al," "I don't like to butt into your business" "No, go ahead." "Pretend you're your wife." "Okay." "I think you have to take into consideration what's best for Peggy." "Why would I do that?" "Oh, hi, hon." "I didn't hear you come in." "Gee, you made it all the way to the couch this time." "How's work?" "Are you still enjoying it?" "What's that noise?" "What noise?" "I hear ticking." "Oh...it's you." "Me?" "I'll tell you an interesting thing about this watch, Peg." "You put it in water, you ruin it." "Is there anything you want to tell me, Peg?" "No." "Anything you want to tell me?" "No." "Oh, the dog has the runs." "Are you gonna do any housework tonight, Peg?" "I have a job, Al." "Unless you want me to quit." "No." "Unless you want to quit." "Well, then, I guess we're both kind of happy, huh?" "Yep." "Mom." "Dad." "There's something we have to talk to you about." "We really miss you around the house, Mom." "Yeah." "No offense to you, Dad, but we're starving and we're dirty." "I think we need you to take care of us, Mom." "I know we're at an age where we ought to be able to take care of ourselves, but we can't." "We want you to quit your job." "What do you say, Peg?" "Well, the kids have to come first." "Okay." "I'll quit." "But only because I love you." "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "You hear that, kids?" "Your mother is quite a lady." "Now, Peg, are you gonna go shopping tomorrow and get some groceries?" "If I have time." "What do you mean, if you have time?" "You don't do anything else." "Okay, Al." "I'll go shopping." "But if I do, I'll miss Phil, and I'll miss Oprah and the Cubs game." "But that's all right, Al." "You'll get me a VCR when you're ready." "Are you ready, Al?" "Please, please, please." "Well, since you put it like that..." "Sure." "Why not?" "Hey, we can go to Muldin's." "We can still use your employee discount." "Oh, I don't think so, Al." "I think they're kind of mad at me." "I kind of damaged some merchandise." "That'll be a nice gift for Steve and Marcie." "Oh, yeah." "Well, we did it." "Yep." "Does Mom know Dad paid us?" "Nope." "Dad know Mom paid us?" "Nope." "Does Mom know about your phony ID?" "Nope."