"( theme music playing )" "( grunting )" "these chicken sandwiches are for the two idiot british airmen, who are still stuck down the drain in the middle of the town square." "there are too many germans about to feed them through the grating, so i am going to lower this tray down the drain in our garden, and let it float to them through the underground stream." "needless to say-- needless to say, our plan to get them out under cover of my old ice cream van, went desperately wrong." "the clapped out ice making machinery went berserk and squirted general von klinkerhoffen in the face with vanilla ice cream." "the result is now that, ice cream has been banned in nouvion, and general von klinkerhoffen has been treated for frostbite to his nose." "oh, rene, i found you alone at last." "why are you revealing so much of your little body, mimi?" "i am going sunbathing." "oh, hold me to you." "you are very slippery." "i have rubbed myself all over with olive oil to aid my tan." "rene, take off your clothes, and join me behind the hen house." "there is still some oil in the bottle." "i'll apply it." "no, no, no." "i need that oil to make the vinaigrette for tonight." "off you go." "and remember the sun is very hot, so make sure you do not saute yourself." "yvette:" "ohhh, rene, the hot weather has aroused my passions." "embrace me." "rene!" "what are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms?" "you stupid woman." "can you not see this poor child is-- is suffering from sunstroke because she's not wearing her hat?" "if i had not caught her, she might have fallen down the drain and be on her way to the coast by now." "put your hat on immediately, yvette." "oh, i am sorry, rene." "i did not realize." "now, go and do your sunbathing." "and remember, keep that hat on." "thank you, rene." "it that food for the airmen?" "yes, i baked them some rock cakes." "two will be enough." "any more might sink the tray." "i have told the airmen to stand by for their food." "is it all ready?" "yes, we have it here." "then let us lower it down the drain." "right, hold that, thank you." "( water splashes ) we cannot go on feeding the airmen like this, michelle." "how are we going to get them out?" "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "i have discovered that by baron's charter, dating back to 1534, that a gypsy fair may be held in the town square on the summer solstice." "how does that help us?" "you will ask the gypsies, from the camp outside the village, to bring us their fair." "i will arrange for one of the tents to be put up over the drain, and the british airmen will get out underneath it." "the germans will never allow a fair, michelle." "it is up to you to persuade them, rene." "after all, you are very friendly with the colonel and lieutenant gruber." "no, no, i am not getting involved." "if you do not, rene, some of my more trigger-happy girls might think that you are a coward, and come around here to shoot the place up." "but surely you would stop them, michelle?" "pfft, i would give them the bullets!" "very well, i will go to the gypsy camp and see what i can do." "i will come with you, i speak a bit of romany." "you never told me that." "i learned to speak a bit to negotiate for cheap clothes-pegs." "well, you must go at once." "no, we will go this afternoon." "there is nobody to look after the cafe, at the moment." "where are yvette and mimi?" "sunbathing, behind the henhouse." "oh, that is a good idea." "i think i will go and join them." "you are not dressed for sunbathing." "we in the resistance are prepared for anything." "i hope the neighbors are." "when do you think this food's going to appear?" "i'm starving." "i think i see something coming now." "i say." "someone's eaten all the sandwiches!" "it must've been a rat, you can see the teeth marks in the crust." "infernal cheek!" "still, at least they've left us the rock cakes." "( cracking ) i can see why." "they could have those too!" "( water splashes ) stand by the door, von smallhausen." "i am expecting private bigstern in exactly 10 seconds." "she is never late." "five, four, three, two, one." "minus one." "( knocking )" "you are late." "i'm sorry, otto." "i was titivating myself." "yes, that would take some time." "let me press you to my bosom." "the pressing can wait." "i am not up to it at the moment." "i am." "silence, von smallhausen." "i have a little task for you, elsa." "you know i will do anything for you, otto." "i await your instructions." "i wish to gain access to the colonel's office this evening, so you will invite him out." "also the lieutenant and the feathered wop." "may i ask why?" "we have made a forgery of a painting, which i wish to conceal in the colonel's desk." "it is the fallen madonna with the big boobies." "do not reveal too much, von smallhausen." "an anonymous phone call will inform general von klinkerhoffen of its whereabouts." "the occupants of the office will be accused of stealing it and be sent to the russian front." "that is a masterly plan." "i know." "if you play your part well, you will get a cut of the original painting." "you have suddenly become even more attractive, otto." "i will do as you ask." "you deserve a kiss." "( phone rings ) herr flick is busy." "see who it is." "and it better not be another woman." "your wish is my command." "( ringing continues )" "helga:" "do not speak." "these are my last coins." "oh, just to hear your heavy breathing makes me feel weak." "even though we are apart, i want you to know that i love you, miss you, and want you." "i think it is a wrong number." "but i'll just make sure." "helga:" "my maintenance course will end soon, and then i will return." "i long for your stern eyes to penetrate mine, to be pressed against your brawn master race body, to once again, feel your hands on my" "( dial tone ) well?" "it was the wrong number." "excuse me?" "i shall have to go out and have a cold shower." "leave it running." "i have found these two in the woods." "they told me they wish to speak with you." "who are you?" "we are friends." "i am rene artois from the cafe in the village, and this is my wife edith." "i have for many moons bought clothes-pegs from your people." "now we bring you gifts-- cakes i baked myself." "give them to the horses." "the ones with teeth." "we have come to ask if you will bring your fair to the village on the summer solstice, as gypsies have done since 1534." "the germans will not give us permission." "that is all right." "he has fixed it." "you will do good business." "maybe." "first, let me see if i can trust you." "give your palm to the great romany." "let me see your lifeline." "oh, it is very long." "see, here it becomes a double line, it even goes up your sleeve." "what does that mean?" "you will die in a railway tunnel." "and you are lucky in love, too." "well, of course, he is married to me." "i see a line of tragedy as well." "i also see many other women in your life, younger than your wife." "what does he mean, rene?" "he means the serving girls that work with me." "i see danger and excitement in your life." "well, i work with the resistance, blowing trains up, you know, things like that." "a lot of it seems to take place in a broom cupboard-- with women." "rene, what does he mean?" "you stupid woman." "we hide with the girls in the cupboard during air raids." "do we?" "cross my palm with silver." "you are a trustworthy man." "cheap, but trustworthy." "thank you." "maybe now you would like to inspect and read the hand of my wife." "do i have a long lifeline too?" "it is hard to see, there are so many wrinkles." "surely i have seen this hand somewhere before?" "here, look." "the cross of destiny." "is that a good sign?" "it was a child's hand when i saw it last." "then, it was tiny." "that figures." "i close my eyes." "now, i see images of your past in my mind." "i see a big house." "that would be the chateau, where i was brought up in the servant's quarters." "and i see a child on the doorstep, in a basket." "there are clothes-pegs in the basket." "that would be me." "i was found there, by the butler." "is it possible that you are romanna, the lost gypsy princess, who was taken from us 47 years ago?" "oh, no, no, no." "i am only 36." "yes, it is the mark." "we are blessed." "gather round." "little romanna has come back to be our queen." "you mean i am married to a gypo?" "no, i am sure they have made a mistake, rene." "we will go along with it." "we need them to do the fair." "am i really a gypsy queen?" "there is no doubt about it, the spirits never lie." "does this mean you will do the fair?" "for queen romanna?" "of course." "bring out our posters." "you will paste them up in the town." "but now, we must celebrate." "can you sing, romanna?" "your mother had a magnificent voice." "another clue, rene." "she has passed it onto me." "it did not travel well." "sing, romanna." "♪ play, gypsy ♪" "♪ laugh, gypsy ♪" " ♪ sing, gypsy ♪ - ( dogs barking )" "♪ cry, gypsy ♪ that's enough!" "you are not romanna." "are you sure?" "positive." "perhaps a very distant cousin." "we'd left quite a few babies on doorsteps." "i had quite grown to like the idea of being a gypsy, living here, in the open air, singing round the campfire every evening." "we are not so keen." "you have been away from us too long." "you have built your own life elsewhere." "you should go back to it." "what about the fair?" "oh, we'll still do it." "we need the money." "now, take our posters." "we will come on the solstice." "goodbye." " goodbye." " bye." "think, rene." "you were nearly married to a gypsy queen." "would not that have been a shock?" "it would have been to lieutenant gruber." "colonel, how would you like me to sing you a song?" "that sounds like a good idea." "lieutenant, do you know "naughty lola"?" "you start, i'll follow." "♪ they call me naughty lola ♪" "♪ the wisest girl on earth ♪" "♪ at home my pianola ♪" "♪ is played for all it's worth... ♪ rene, that girl is singing." "and off-key too." "your ears are keener than mine, edith." "♪ the boys all love my music ♪" "♪ i can't keep them away ♪" "♪ so my little pianola ♪" "♪ is working night and day, hey!" "♪ come on, everybody join in." "♪ they call me naughty lola ♪" "♪ the wisest girl on earth ♪" " ♪ at home-- ♪ - silence!" "colonel, you are under arrest." "you too, captain." "what is the matter, general?" "you are under arrest too." "i found this in your desk, colonel-- the remains of the fallen madonna, which was stolen from my quarters in the chateau." "clearly, you are all involved in this theft." "there must be some mistake, general." "yes, and you made it." "guards!" "take them to the dungeons of the chateau." "i do not want to throw a spanner in the works, general, but there are no doors on the chateau dungeons." "they had woodworm, and were sent away last week to be measured and replaced." "on whose orders?" "yours." "ah, well-- take them to the town jail." "this is outrageous." "we been fixed up!" "this will not look good on my c.v." "oh, rene, they are being thrown into jail." "is that not awful?" "yes, they have not paid for their beer." "clothes-pegs, clothes-pegs." "who will buy some clothes-pegs from a poor old gypsy clothes-peg seller?" "it is i, leclerc." "what are you dressed like that for, you silly old fool?" "i have brought you a message from the gypsies." "they cannot bring their fair to the village." " what?" " a black cat has passed the great romany, walking backwards." "what was the great romany doing walking backwards?" "no, he wasn't." "the cat was." "it is a bad omen, and they will not come now." "oh my god." "how are we going to get the airmen out of the drain?" "rene, michelle is in the back room." "we must tell her what has happened." "yvette, look after the bar." " right." " come." "michelle, the gypsies are no longer coming." "they have had a bad omen-- a walking backwards cat." "that is a bad omen." "the airmen will have to stay down the drain now." "no, no. that is out of the question." "they could be discovered by the germans at any moment." "we will have to organize the fair ourselves." "and how are we supposed to do that?" "we'll dress up in gypsy clothes and run our own stalls." "what about the posters all over the town?" "the villagers and the germans are expecting a real gypsy fair." "have you got a spare poster anywhere?" "i think there is one still here in the drawer." "we will have to provide all the attractions on the poster." "then no one will suspect anything." "ah, rene, you can be the great romany." "but he is a fortune-teller." "how am i supposed to tell fortunes?" "make them up." "yvette and mimi and officer crabtree can man the stores, along with my resistance girls, who can dress up as young gypsy maidens." "and what about this?" "who is going to be the bearded lady, hmm?" "oh, there is only one person left." "you will have to be the bearded lady, madame edith." "i am not going to be the bearded lady." "why cannot you do it?" "look at the picture on the poster." "i am too tall." "what about mimi?" "she is too small." "or yvette?" "she is too young." "oh, remember madame edith, it is for the british airmen." "very well." "but i do it under protest." "where am i to get a beard?" "wait a year, or try the barber's." "i will try the barber's." "the general must have gone mad to put us in here." "i would call my lawyer, if he wasn't already in the nick." "i wish we could get out." "this cell is making me claustrophobic." "there's one way." "no, elsa. we'll get into even more trouble if we escape." "good moaning." "i have four migs of two." "is it morning already?" "it is half pissed socks." "did you sloop well?" "no, we did not." "what is for breakfast?" "i'm hungry." "this is proson." "we do not kick brokfast." "you were licky to get the two." "you are all released." "i'm afraid i owe you an apology." "i have examined the painting most carefully, and it is clearly a forgery." "i knew there was some mistake, general." "we had nothing to do with stealing the painting from your quarters." "but what was a forgery doing in your desk, colonel?" "it was left behind from all those forgeries you had made to fool the resistance, general." "yes, i remember." "i feel very bad about this." "come to the chateau, and i'll give you all a slap-up breakfast to make up for it." "( slams )" "oh, biggerit." "( carnival music playing )" "that gypsy there looks remarkably like rene, colonel." "he certainly does." "rene, it is you." "oh my god-- hello lieutenant." "what are you doing dressed up as a gypsy?" "colonel, the gypsies had to cancel." "so we are running the fair ourselves, to avoid disappointing the villagers, and your men." "that's good." "my men, they would have been very disappointed." "you may continue, rene." "colonel, thank you." "that earring is quite becoming, rene." "thank you, lieutenant." "and your skin color is very authentic." "it is shoe polish." "that would account for the faint aroma of cherry blossom." "eh, what i have to hit?" "if i get the bullseye, you take off your clothes?" "no, you get one of these china vases." "is a piece of cake." "i'm the best shot in the italian army." "what i get for that?" "a bill for the vase." "i got my range now." "this time, i no miss." "here." "take this, you win." "we can't afford the vases." "what a mistake to make." "alphonse:" "come try the experience of a lifetime." "kiss the bearded lady, and win a free entry to the grand prize raffle." "oh, madame edith." "it distresses me to see the woman i love in a beard." "i do it for the resistance, monsieur alphonse." "it is so demeaning." "the thought that lips other than mine should touch yours-- do not worry, monsieur alphonse." "in this beard, no one will want to kiss me." "is this where i kiss the bearded lady?" "not on your nelly." "rule up, rule up." "try you lick at the cuckoonut shoe." "how much?" "tin franks a goo." "you take these three bills, and throo them at the cuckoonut." "if you hit the cuckoonut, the skintily dressed crimpet will fall out of the bod." "there's a lot falling out already." "translate, somebody." "you throw the balls at the coconut, colonel." "if you hit it, yvette falls off the bed." "i've seen it before, it's rather a waste of money." "i think i will have a go." "go easy, please, colonel." "i do not want to be tipped out too often." "don't worry, yvette." "i am a german officer." "oh, thank you, colonel." "i am saved, this once." "damn!" "aaah!" "ooh, you!" "rene, we are almost ready to rescue the airmen." "about time." "already, under cover of this tent, we have handed down two gypsy costumes to them." "i have here this jimmy, for them to bang out the rusty bolts on the hinges of the grating." "i say, chaps, are you there?" " hello." " hello." "here, chaps, take this jimmy." "and go to the next drain along." "it's under the shooting gallery, so nobody will hear you banging out those bolts on the grating." "when you get out, wait there for us under the counter." "right-o, old girl." "they are going to the next drain along." "it is under the shooting gallery." "they will be safer there." "then what?" "they will wait with mimi, until the fair is over." "now i must go." "are you going to help the airmen out?" "no, i am next door running the toffee apple store." "lieutenant gruber is coming this way." "he is coming here." "oh my god." "you must keep him here as long as you can, rene." "we want as few germans about as possible when the airmen come out of the grating." "ah, here you are, rene." "i knew i would find you eventually." "i see you have a little tent all to yourself." "yes, i am standing in for the great romany." "i suppose you have come to have your fortune told?" "can you do it?" "oh, we country folk often have the power." "i will try my best." "sit down." "and i will get my ball out." "ooh, quite an impressive size." "the mists swirl." "now they are clearing... it's no good, carstairs." "it won't budge." "carstairs:" "why don't we go back and try the other grate?" "the hinges on that one were almost off." "fairfax:" "good idea." "let's try." "ugh." "i am most impressed with your fortune-telling, rene." "but now i really should be getting back to the colonel." "oh, is there nothing else you would like from the great romany?" "that depends what you had in mind." "the great romany has the power to communicate with the dead." "perhaps i could try it for you?" "is there anybody you would like to speak to?" "your grandmother, perhaps?" "that would not be easy, rene." "she's not dead yet." "but yes, perhaps there is someone." "your late twin brother." "my brother?" "the one i had shot." "it still afflicts my conscience terribly." "i would like to ask his forgiveness." "i will try my best." "should we hold hands?" "no, that will not be necessary." "he is very near." "( metallic thudding )" "nearer than i expected." "he forgives you, lieutenant, for having him shot." "oh my god, rene, what is happening?" "i did not want to see him." "i just wanted to give him a message!" "rene, what is happening?" "why is lieutenant gruber screaming?" "these idiot airmen have come up the wrong drain." "well, at least they are safe." "rene, i have come to help." "hello." "carstairs:" "hello." "hello, chaps." "man:" "this way, chaps." "thank god for that." "thought we'd never get out of that drain." "who are you?" "ah, wing commander blakensale, old girl." "shot down three weeks ago, been trying to find a way out of the blasted drain ever since." "saw light, thought we'd pop up." "ah, this is fairfax and carstairs, also shot down." " hello." " hello." "you chaps seem to have acclimatized well." "meet ginger, my rear gunner," " hello!" " hello!" "and this is sparks, the radio operator." " sparks, hello!" " hello!" "i say, chaps-- i say, chaps-- keep it down a bit." "jerries everywhere." " right." " right, k.b.j." "well, glad to meet you." "hope we can stay here for awhile." "are you all english?" "oh, absolutely, yes." "i'm the leader of the french resistance." "oh, how do you do?" "this is rene artois, a resistance hero." "his cafe is a safe house." "you can hide there." "oh, good show." "and this is his wife edith." "she'll be looking after you." "yes, on second thought i think we'll take our chances down the drain." "right, let's away." "all right then." "come on, chaps." "let's get all those pongy clothes off you." "that's the best idea you've had yet." "well done, edith." "you have frightened those new idiot airmen away." "oh, rene." "we live in such dangerous times." "if i take off my beard, will you hold me and kiss me?" "better keep it on, edith." "well, they could come back up again." "( theme music playing )"