"Britain and America, two great nations, linked throughout history." "We discovered America, even though it was already there." "We deliberately let you win the War of Independence, because you threatened to cry if we didn't." "And you very kindly joined us for the last few minutes of the Second World War, for which we thank you." "But what about the people of these two great nations?" "How are we alike?" "How are we different?" "How are we alike?" "Let's find out as Little Britain comes to the USA." "We begin our cross-cultural examination here, on the Gulf Coast of Mississippi, where British tourist, Lou, is taking his friend Andy on an American vacation." "I got you!" "I got you!" "I got you!" "I got you!" "I got you!" "I got you!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, Mr Cab Driver, could you help me with the?" "Oh!" "I need to use the toilet." "Can you hold on?" "We'll be in the room in a minute." " I wanna go now!" " In a minute!" "Hello there, do you have a reservation under the name Todd?" " Lou Todd?" " Todd?" "Yes, that's my name, Lou Todd." "Or it could be under my friend's name, Andy Pipkin." "Oh, I have a Todd here." "Excellent, and now is it a first floor room?" " I don't have first floor." " I did ask for a first floor room." "Well, I'm sorry." "I have second floor." "A man's coming to fix the elevator on Monday, I believe." "I guess I'll be having to carry him up those stairs myself." "Thank you for your help, sir." "Right!" "Here we go!" "Oh, look, Andy, they've got a pool here." "You can have a swim in there later." "Nah!" "I bet people piss in it." "The British pride themselves on being the rudest, most unhelpful people in the world." "Receptionist Carol Beer is working at this hospital in Pennsylvania." "Hello!" "This is my daughter." "She's a big, brave girl and she's gonna have an operation today." " Name?" " Tell the nice lady your name." " Danielle." " Danielle what?" "Danielle Lloyd." "Age?" "Nearly six." "You're five!" " Yes." " Well, say five then." "Address?" "Where do you live?" "With Mommy and Daddy." "Ah!" "1772 Lincoln Road." "We got there!" "Just putting your details in now." "Danielle's going to have her tonsils removed." "I've got her down for a double hip replacement." "Oh, no, there must be some kind of mistake." "Computer says no!" "Well, that must be some other Danielle Lloyd." "Computer says no!" "There's only one Danielle Lloyd on the system." "Do you want the double hip replacement, or not?" "No!" "Clearly she doesn't need it!" "Well, she may do in the future." "We saw Dr Phillips last week and she definitely has an appointment for today to have her tonsils removed." "Computer says no!" "Well, could you speak with somebody?" "I could, but..." "Well, thank you so much." "You've been just great(!" ")" "Could I borrow a moment of your time to fill out the customer service questionnaire?" "Would you say that I've been a) very helpful, b) extremely helpful or c) fucking helpful?" "In America, a child is born every eight seconds." "Oh, that poor woman must be exhausted!" "You're gonna have a great time at Brownie camp, Ellie Grace." "I'm so excited, but I'm really gonna miss you, Mom, because I love you so much." " I love you too, Ellie Grace." " I love you more than Gummi Bears!" "I love you more than puppy dogs!" " No, I love you more than smiles!" " I love you more than raindrops." "I love you more than transsexual porn!" "Miss Ellie Grace!" "Where did you hear that?" "Julie's older brother said he saw some on the internet." "Oh, did he that?" "Yes, Mommy, on a site called chickswithdicks." "Com." "I'm gonna have a word with Julie's mom." "OK, everyone on board now, please." "You'd better get on the bus before it leaves, Ellie Grace." " Love you!" " I love you more than kittens!" "I love you more than roses!" "I love you more than cotton-candy!" "I love you more than blow jobs!" "There are more fat people in America than there are people." "That's why weight-loss instructor Marjorie Dawes has come from Britain to dispense some dietary advice." "Hello, Fatties!" "Lovely to see you." "Now, those of you who read the Fatfighters Newsletter will be aware that Fatfighters has a ne-ee-ew spokesperson, and we are very lucky because she's paying a visit to our branch tonight!" "So, will you please give a very warm Fatfighters welcome to Rosie O'Donnell?" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" " Hi." " Hello!" " Hi!" "Hello!" "Nice to see you." " Hello." " Take a seat." " Thank you." "Take a seat." "Lovely!" "So, Rosie O'Donnell!" " Yes." " So, Rosie-O." "Just Rosie." " Rosie?" " Yes." " Rosie, Rosie." " Rosie." " Rosie." " Rosie." "So, Rosie, I've been reading all about you in the Fatfighters Newsletter." "I know you had your own talk show." " Yes." " Until Ellen DeGeneres filled your slot, and then... and then it says here also that you've been in some movies." "Yes." "League Of Their Own, The Flintstones..." "What's this one?" "Sleepless In Seattle?" "I've seen it, I don't remember you in it, but we'll take your word for it." "And it says here that you are a lesbian, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that." "Well, thank you very much, Marjorie." " Now, Rosie." " Yes." "You - and I know you won't mind me saying it - you have had issues with your weight." " I have." " You have." "She has!" "She's big." "She's a big lady." "She's a big, lesbian lady." "Well, Marjorie, here in America, a lot of us have weight issues, it affects..." "Are you fat because you're a lesbian, or are you a lesbian because you're fat?" "What does that mean?" "What do you mean by that?" "I mean, did you find it hard to get a man because of the weight and then think, "Maybe I'll go lessie," or..." "Marjorie, Marjorie, no, no!" "Personally, I think that you're born gay, but I'm proud of who I am." "I'm a lesbian woman," "I'm in a relationship, my partner and I have four beautiful children, so... (APPLAUSE)" "Oh!" "Thank you, thank you very much." "She must have bought those in Africa." "So, OK..." "Marjorie, I'm actually here to talk about weight, so could we just maybe talk about that, please?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Could we just stick to weight, please?" "Thank you." "OK, so let's open it up to the group." "Who's got a question for Rosie?" "But can we just not go on about her sexuality, please?" " Thank you." " Let's just stick to why she's so fat." "OK." "Yes." "Anna." "(SOFTLY) Lost cause." " Hello, Rosie." " Hey, Anna!" "Hi." "Rosie, do you have any advice for people like me who are on different diets year after year and never seem to lose any weight?" "You know, the important thing, Anna, is that you're healthy and happy." "Are you happy with your size?" " Well..." " No, she's not." "She's very fat, Rosie." "I am happy with my size." "Well, good for you!" "That's great and you're beautiful." "She's not a lesbian, Rosie." "OK, um..." "Right, let's think." "Another question." "Yes, my illegal friend, yes." "I often find I'm doing really good with my diet, and then I go on myself and buy a big bar of chocolate." "Rosie, what's your weakness?" " Well..." " Couldn't understand a word!" "Sorry, Rosie, I should have warned you, she's Filipino." " Mexican!" " Same thing, innit?" "OK, let's have another question." "Let's have one from the morbidly obese contingent." "Yes, the dangerously fat man over there." "OK, you know what, Marjorie?" "I really cannot believe how you treat people!" "You're absolutely rude!" "You're homophobic!" "You're racist!" "You're meant to help these people and you keep ridiculing them about their size!" "It's disgusting!" "And licking another woman's vagina isn't?" "One thing Americans can be very proud of is that they have more deaths from firearms than any other country in the world." "All right, the standard issue gun for anyone in the Sheriff's department is a Colt.45." "It's a simple blow-back pistol, with a single action trigger." "It's a good gun." "The Winchester 70, this is a bolt-action rifle, which we'd use for long-range coverage." "Sure is a big heavy one, but it shoots a good load." "Ah!" "As you've probably realised, this is a machine gun, the Bushmaster A3." "You've gotta know what you're doing when you hold a big, powerful weapon like this, or it'll spray everywhere." "And finally, I thought y'all might like to see one of my own guns." "I've got a small personal collection of 2,000 guns." "This is the Barrett.50 calibre, the biggest semi-automatic weapon you can buy." "It's a beast!" "Oh!" "I'm completely bored of guns now," "I need to go and do something totally different." "One thing that's currently all the rage with teenagers, on both sides of the Atlantic, is grandmas." "They're the latest must-have fashion accessory." "Those who don't have their own grandma can bid for one on eBay." "Now then, mister, what's all this your mama tells me about you being caught smoking cigarettes?" "I was just trying it." "Connor, cigarettes are very bad for you." "You used to smoke." "Sure, when I was your age, we all smoked." "Used to say smoking was good for you, we didn't know any different." "I'm sorry, Grandma." "Mm!" "Same with that cocaine, we just didn't know, we thought it was a pick-me-up." "I used to go around all day hoovering up the booger sugar." " You took cocaine?" " Oh, sure!" "And heroin." "Yeah, you used to get home from church on a Sunday and your grandpappy used to say, "Mildred, let's chase that dragon!"" "And, oh, we used to spend the rest of the week out of our tiny minds." "I never knew people took drugs in them days." "There's a lot you don't know!" "I've still got my old crack pipe somewhere." "Your Aunt Dorothy gave it to me for my 18th birthday." "Aunt Dorothy gave you a crack pipe?" "Sure she did!" "She even had it engraved - "My face is on fire." "Yours, Dorothy."" "How could you take that stuff, Grandma?" "We didn't know it was bad for you!" "Every morning we used to cook up that crystal meth." "We thought it was like having a glass of milk." "Is there anything you didn't take in them days?" "Now let me see, I did MDMA, acid, GHB, magic mushrooms, glue, mescaline, poppers, Quaaludes, angel dust." " You ever smoke pot?" " Pot's for pussies!" "Wow!" "You've lived some life, Grandma." "Considering you've taken all them drugs, you don't look too bad on it." "I'm 28!" "The Scouting movement is very popular in America, though it was started in Britain by Lord Baden-Powell, who was keen to justify his hobby of sharing a tent with young boys in uniform." "This Scout pack is playing host to retired astronaut Bing Gordyn." "TV:" "One small step for man, one giant leap for Bing Gordyn!" "BING GORDYN:" "Whoa!" "I'm on the moon!" "I'm on the goddamn moon!" "(TV PROGRAMME CHANGES)" "So one day, you can all tell your grandkids that you met Bing Gordyn, the eighth man on the moon." "Thank you, Bing, I'm sure we will." "(APPLAUSE)" "OK, pack, does anyone have any questions?" "Put your hands up, please." "Nathan." "How many people have been to the moon?" "Nine men have been to the moon, no women." " I was the eighth." " OK, er..." "And I'm also the only man with a moustache to have been to the moon, so, in a way, I can say I'm the first man on the moon who had a moustache." "(CHUCKLES)" " Yes, Bradley." " Have you ever met Neil Armstrong?" "Yeah, I know Neil, but he's kind of a bore." "You know, "I was the first man on the moon!" Get over it!" "Move on!" "Yeah, you, freaky-looking boy." "What's Buzz Aldrin really like in real life?" "Bitter!" "Is he?" "Yeah, I actually trained at NASA with Neil and Buzz." "I was passed over for the first moon mission, but I've gotten over it." "Maybe I would have been first if I'd given the head of NASA a blow job." "Oh, that's not really appropriate for here." "Well, it's true." "Um... does anyone know the name of the third man on the Apollo 11?" "Yeah, I do, Michael Collins." "Right." "What's he doing now?" "Who cares?" "He didn't even get out of the freakin' spaceship thing, he just sat in there, scratching his ass." "I actually got out and had a walk around, OK?" "Now, as far as I know, and correct me if I'm wrong," "I'm the only guy here who's done that." "Have you walked on the moon?" "No!" "Have you walked on the moon?" "No!" "Have you rolled on the moon?" "No!" "Hands up anyone here who's been to the moon." "Just me!" "George!" "You have a question." "Have you been to any other planets?" "Ugh!" "First up, the moon is not a planet." "That's why it's called the moon, it's a moon, THE moon." "Second, no-one has been to any other planet, so it's not like I'm not the first guy not to do that, OK?" "Third, I went to the moon, OK?" "I went there!" "I don't know why, it's real boring, there's no TV, no stores, no restaurants, you can't even get a decent cup of coffee." "There's shit-all there, but I went to the moon!" "(CLATTERING)" "Thank you very much, Bing Gordyn!" "(SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE)" "Moo-oo-oon!" "Now, before you go, we would like to present you with something special." "George." "In recognition of your achievement in space exploration," "Webster Grove Pack 315 would like to present you with the Cub Scout Explorer Badge." "Wow(!" ") What a great honour(!" ")" "You're an asshole!" "The number one pet in America today is the dog, which is very much in demand with those who enjoy picking up animal excrement." "It's a little bit chilly today, isn't it, Mr Doggy?" "(GRUFFLY) Oh, yes, Mommy." "Maybe Mommy needs to buy Mr Doggy a little doggy coat to keep Mr Doggy nice and warm." "(GRUFFLY) Oh, yes, Mommy, that would be wonderful." "I do love you so much." "And I love you too, Mr Doggy." "(GRUFFLY) Take off your clothes." " Excuse me?" " (GRUFFLY) I said, take off your clothes." "Oh!" "No, Mr Doggy, it's cold and you're not allowed to take your clothes off in public or they take you away and lock you up." "(GRUFFLY) I said take 'em off." "Now, listen, Mr Doggy, Mommy's had quite enough of your silly ideas," " you're going to get Mommy into trouble." " (GRUFFLY) Take 'em off!" " No!" " (GRUFFLY) If you loved me, you'd do it." "Oh, well." "Very quickly then." "This is awfully embarrassing!" " Happy now?" " (GRUFFLY) No." "Go and stand in the trash." "Certainly not!" "(GRUFFLY) I won't tell you again." "Oh!" "Is this what you wanted?" "(GRUFFLY) Why on earth would anyone want you to do that?" "Lady, you're outta your fuckin' mind!" "Move outta the trash, please." "Come on, lady." "My dog!" "(GRUFFLY) I'm not with her!" "She is one crazy bitch!" "Oh!" "More and more British people are spending their holidays in America." "We enjoy the food, the weather and the fact that the dollar is now worthless." "Happy anniversary!" "40 glorious years!" "Nice hotel, isn't it?" "Food will be along any minute, so..." "Oh, here it comes!" "Oh, no, somebody else's." "Nice cutlery, innit?" "40 years." "40 years of this, hey?" "Oh, here it comes." "Hello there, that must be yours and putting mine down there, yeah." "Don't go!" "Looks very nice, doesn't it?" "And all the food's been nice, hasn't it, really?" "Might have a bit of the old beef, putting that on the fork now and in it goes." "Bit of a pause there while I chew." "Think I might have a bit of the old mash now, the old mashed potato." "Putting it on the old fork, using the knife to balance it on the fork and in it goes." "Shorter pause on that occasion, less need to chew." "So..." "Help me out here, you boring old cow!" "Socialite Bubbles Devere is one of the most beautiful women in Britain." "Having fled her creditors there, she's taken a luxury cruise to Rio." "Well, here goes!" "My last lucky chippy." "On three, please, darling." "Trois." "No more bets." "Number 12." " No winners." " Oh." "Actually, I meant to put mine on 12." "Can I have it back, please, darling?" "I'm sorry, madam." "Place your bets." "I'm putting my earrings on 21." " Your earrings, madam?" " Yes, darling." "They're Cartier." "Diamonds." "# Diamonds!" "# Geraldine likes diamonds!" "# Yes, the famous song, yes." "Go, 21!" "No more bets." "Number 29." "No winners." "Oh." "Do it again, do it again." "Does anyone mind if we do that one again?" "I'm sorry, madam." "Place your bets!" "Place your bets." "Mrs Devere!" "It's Dior, darling." " Dior?" " Yes, Barry Dior." "And my shoes, my lucky shoes on number 5." "I've been married in them five times, they're so lucky." "No more bets." "I'm feeling lucky, darlings!" "Champagne, champagne for everyone!" "14." "No winners." "Oh." "Tap water!" "Tap water for everyone!" "Those shoes absolutely stank, anyway." "Do you mind?" "Place your bets." "Place your bets." "Madam, we cannot accept panties." "Why not, darling?" "They're encrusted." "Encrusted?" "With rubies, darling." "They were a gift from my dear Arab friend, Omar Sharif." " I really don't think..." " OK, then." "Take this as well." " Now, for God's sake, let's play." " No more bets." "Number one." "No winners." "Well, I think it's very important to know when to stop." "Good night, darling." "And so, we have met the people of Britain and America." "(AMERICAN ACCENT) Why don't you take a photo, it lasts longer!" "Having now seen America, I do feel it has a long way to go if it wants to be treated as Britain's equal." "Presently, we regard you as a funny little country with delusions of grandeur." "In fact, I'd hate to be the one to say it, but a lot of people haven't even heard of you." "Goodbye!"