"Kevin Smith." "Kevin Smith." "Thank you for, uh, coming to Canada, Mr. Smith." "I'm here as Buddy Christ." "On the way over here, trying to get tickets," "I got bitten by a dog." "I love you, Kevin Smith." "You're-- you're awesome, Kevin." "But we came here to see you." "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my dad, Kevin Smith." "I love you, man." "Oh, Canada." "Oh, Canada." "I fucking love me some Canadian, sir." "I really, really do." "I fucking love this country." "Um, I would, uh" " Don't." "Don't." "No." "Believe me, I'll be patronizing later on." "Right now, I just want to be confessional more than anything else." "I always felt like I was kind of born a bit too far south." "I do dig this country quite a bit." "And I don't fucking say that because of the recent election." "That seems to be in vogue, to be like, oh, fuck the States." "Canada, eh." "They let gays get married and-- and Bush is not the president." "But, uh" " But that shit doesn't matter to me so much because I could" " I survived four years of Bush." "I could survive another four years of Bush." "I survived Bennifer." "Bush has nothing on fucking Bennifer." "I assure you." "But, uh, it is a country that I've always fucking loved." "And I've often thought about moving up here." "Because you guys are like-- you're-- flat out, you're the girl next door, right?" "And who doesn't want to fuck the girl next door?" "Especially when she's anal as well." "So-- you are the three input woman next door." "That's it." "We're leaving, you know?" "Um, but, uh" " I can't." "I can't fucking make the commitment to move up here." "And there's one-- there's two words, really, the kind of sum it all up." "And that is Tim fucking Hortons." "True story." "Because I've been here now for" " I came up a week ago." "I mean, a month ago for one week." "And then I came back." "I've been here for about two weeks." "And when I got here, I was like, I'm going to stay all fucking low-carb and shit." "And I'm going to just eat." "Because you know, I'm from the land" "USA, United States of Atkins." "And, um-- so I'm like, I'm going to stay low-carb and shit because I got the show." "And I want to be as trim as fucking possible." "And then they put in a goddamn hotel where right across the street there's a Tim Hortons." "And I would just look out my window and be like, that fucker's open 24 hours." "Because I'm a fucking man of strength." "Like, I-- you know, I will never cheat on my wife, but I will cheat on a fucking diet like you wouldn't believe." "So I'd just sit there and fight myself, fight myself, fight myself." "And finally, I was like, oh, fuck." "A double double and 30 Timbits." "And that's why I'll be wearing the coat all night long." "Always helpful to have the fucking people in the back looking at you all night going, god, is he fat from behind." "He is literally wearing a spare tire around his middle." "So the first question of the night sets the entire evening up." "No pressure whatsoever." "It's actually two things." "Two questions." "Two questions if that's all right." "Sir, you're playing on my sympathies, aren't you?" "Well, my name's Andre." "I'm an actor, comedian, and writer." "People always try to get me to dance, too." "Um, my first question is, well, I'm currently writing a screenplay now." "And I'm" " I've been" " I had major, major, uh, writer's block for the longest time." "I was wondering if you ever had writer's block?" "And what you did to deal with it?" "Have I ever had writer's block?" "Yeah, a little bit." "I just basically don't have writer's block." "I get writer's laze, where I just don't-- why should I write, you know?" "Pretty much." "Let's see how many "Law amp;" "Orders" are on today." "I do, basically." "Because I'd rather sit there and watch "Hang 'em High McCoy"" "throw, you know, another scumbag murderer in jail than-- than create shit." "I want to be entertained sometimes, where it's just like, yeah, good." "Burn 'em." "Fucking burn 'em." "Send them to the goddamn chair." "Murder 1, eh." "You know?" "And then my wife's like, the mortgage is due." "I'm like, oh, shit." "Uh, Jay And Bob say something remotely witty, you know?" "Cha-ching, back to "Law amp;" "Order."" "So, uh" "So I will." "I'll just kind of veg out and sit in front of the TV for a while." "And it's not so much writer's block where I'm like," "I have nothing." "I have nothing." "It's just this kind of place where I'm like," "I don't want to do nothing." "I don't want to do nothing." "And I've only really had it maybe once." "I was working on the "Six Million Dollar Man" screenplay fucking eons ago, 1995." "And there was-- we were working at Universal on "Mallrats," kind of." "Woo." "Don't." "And, um-- and, uh, basically, somebody-- one of the producers, Jim Jackson is just like, hey, uh," ""Six Million Dollar Man" is up for grabs." "They want to do a feature version." "Did you ever watch it?" "And I was like, I did watch that show." "And he was just like, you want to write it?" "And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?" "Not really, but-- but it would be awesome to get the job, you know?" "Like, that's basically what it is for me." "It's not doing the work, it's just having somebody go, you, sir, are good enough." "And then I'm like, oh, phenomenal." "Thank you." "And then I fucking fight it the whole way home." ""Green Hornet," a perfect example." "It was just nice to have somebody say, you, sir, are good enough to make a comic book movie." "And I was like, tremendous." "Then I signed the contract and I was like, wait." "What?" "Do it?" "Um, so that-- that kind of happened with the "Six" "Million Dollar Man."" "And there were just days where I was like, I don't know what the fuck Steve Austin does." "You know?" "What does he do?" "He's fucking-- he wakes up and he watches "Law amp;" "Order."" "Because I don't live the Steve Austin life." "And I'm used to writing about shit where I just kind of takes pages out of my own daily life and shit." "But I am not bionic by any stretch of the imagination." "Not even remotely athletic, you know?" "So I would be totally blocked writing that." "And it really started to show." "Like, I'd hand Mosier over some pages to read" " Scott Mosier, my producer." "And I was like, what do you think?" "And he was just like, well, in this scene here, the big action sequence, you have Steve" "Austin hiding behind a rock." "And I was just like, dude's got to hide sometimes." "I mean, it's not always dit-dit-dit-dit, you know?" "Sometimes-- sometimes he's got to be on the down-low and shit." "And Mosier's like, and he's fighting 20 ninjas?" "I was like, not good?" "Bionic ninjas?" "So that one, it took me a long time to fucking write the script for." "And I pitched it to one team of execs, who were then replaced by another team of execs." "And then by the time I turned in my script, that second team of execs had been replaced by another team of execs." "So I turned into my script to people going, are you kidding?" "This is your idea for a "Six Million Dollar Man Movie?"" "Mother fucking." "He loses a leg and an arm." "You give him robotics and he hides behind a fucking rock?" "I was like, well, the first people really liked that idea." "So, you know, fucking never got made." "And that was the last time I really got blocked." "And ever since then, it's just kind of laze." "Because TV is kind of my kryptonite, right?" "Where it's just like, if it goes on, suddenly I'm like," "I don't want to create." "I just want to be entertained and shit like that." "And having a kid, you watch a lot more TV than you normally watch." "Excuse me, before." "Because back in the day, it was just like," ""Degrassi" fucking reruns on tape and shit like that." "Don't." "I'm" " I'm not pandering, that's true." "And, um-- and watch fucking "Simpsons" and porn." "So, um-- so, uh-- but later in life with the kid, the kid has like all sorts of programs that she likes to watch." "And then you're kind of forced to watch them as well." "And sometimes, they're fucking insanely bad and really tough to sit through." "There's this one fucking program she was watching the other day." "And, uh, she was going to school." "She watches TV before she goes to school." "And, um, I went down there to say goodbye." "And says, well, what's-- how you rolling?" "What's this?" "And she's like, this is, uh, "Rainbow Fish."" "And I said, uh, what's it about?" "And she kind of looked at me like, you fucking retarded?" "Like the title pretty much says it all." "And" "And I peeped it out and she was right, you know?" "It really is literally about a bunch of multicolored fish." "And they go to school." "Because you know, fish travel in schools and shit." "And that was the height of their fucking imagination." "Just let's put the rainbow colored fish in school." "And fucking nobody's watching." "Do it." "So I was like, can't we watch something else?" "Let's pop in some fucking "SpongeBob."" "She's like, no, "Rainbow Fish." "Rainbow Fish."" "Because she was heading to school, so she wanted to see what they did." "And then she'd take it to school with her and sit there and pretend to be a blue carp, or something like that." "I don't know." "I don't know what goes through her head." "But then there's some shit, some shit she watches where I'll get roped in." "Like at first I'm like, oh, this is fucking dog shit." "But then you're like, this is actually pretty good." "And the fucking show that she really turned me onto was this show called "Dora the Explorer."" "Which is an amazing fucking show if you're really stoned." "Because it's all about this little Mexican girl who hangs out with a monkey who wears boots, who is named, ironically enough, Boots." "And she got a backpack on because presumably she's fucking trafficking hashish across the border." "And they bomb around looking for very simple things in order to get to a goal." "They got to find three things and fucking get somewhere." "And the only impediment to the whole process is a little-- uh, a little-- what is he?" "Fox." "He's a little fox." "You know what I'm talking about." "A little fox named Swiper." "Thank you." "Exactly." "The kid's name is Swiper." "He's a little fox." "And you know he's the bad guy because he wears a mask." "So Swiper periodically will bomb in on the kids and try to fuck with their day." "And, um-- and basically, it's one of these interactive shows where you got to yell at the screen and shit." "Dora's ever-asking for your help because she's so fucking hapless, she can't do shit by herself." "So you sit there watching and periodically she'll be like," "Boots, we need to find the red berries." "Boots is like, I agree." "I agree." "But, you know, whatever." "And then they'll say, can you see the red berries?" "And then me and kid sit there and you know, we see the red berries." "And we're like, yeah." "Bitch, don't you?" "They're behind you." "Turn around." "That's my take." "My kid is just like, they're behind you, Dora." "I just look at you like, Jesus Christ, kid." "Don't buy into this." "They are patronizing you." "Can you see the berries?" "And then you're like, right behind you." "What are you-- and then she goes, what?" "They're where?" "And you're like, right behind you." "And she's like, they're right behind us?" "And you're like, yeah." "Which as an adult straight, you're just like, ugh." "But if you're stoned, which I have been upon viewings, you're there." "You are in the fucking show." "You're having a discourse with Dora." "Dora's just like, help me out, Kev." "I'm like, right on." "Where are the berries?" "You're hungry too, aren't you, Dora?" "Oh, I can go for some berries." "With mayonnaise." "For some reason." "But periodically, fucking Swiper will bomb in and shit and just try to fuck with your day." "And he's going for the berries as well." "So it's this race against time between you," "Dora, and Boots, and Swiper." "And she'll say like, I think Swiper may be around." "Do you see him?" "And he pops up." "And in the audience, you're like, oh, Jesus." "He's there." "He's there." "He's behind you." "And, you know, is he-- is he to the right?" "No, he's behind you." "Is he?" "Yes, he's behind you." "And how they stop him is rather ingenious." "Because me, it would just be like-- or a fox trap, you know?" "Or kill him and wear him." "And, uh-- or at that point I'm so stoned, eat the fucking fox." "Mask and all." "Um, but how they stop him is rather ingenious." "And it's a bizarre lesson to teach the kids because it really doesn't pan out in the real world." "They just turn around and they go, Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "They say it to him three fucking times." "And that stops him." "But of course, you're helping out because it's audience participation and shit." "So you know, she's like, we got to stop him." "Tell him, Swiper, no swiping." "So it becomes like Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "And then the fucking fox goes, oh, man." "That is literally a line of dialog." "You tell Swiper to fucking stop and Swiper goes, oh, man." "And he fucking bombs away." "And that's it." "You're on the berries and on to the next fucking goal." "And there's just like-- it doesn't work in the real world." "Like, I had to pull the kid aside and be like, look, this is all fun when we're high." "But telling somebody just don't do something three times, it ain't going to fucking change shit." "It would be nice if you could." "If you could be like, Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." "Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." "Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." "But" "There goes my political material for the whole night." "But it doesn't work like that shit." "So periodically, I have to set her straight." "But I'm usually so stoned that I explain it to her and she looks at me like, the cartoon makes more sense." "She's like, Daddy, no eating." "Daddy, no eating." "Daddy, no eating." "Oh, man." "So I get caught up in shit like that and then I just get to this place where I don't want to write." "And so I just kind of chill out and shit like that." "But I'm kind of-- I'm a deadline whore." "So like if the deadline comes up-- "Green Hornet"" "I had like-- what did I have?" "I had 50 pages." "And then I had another 50." "So I had 100 pages." "And in 4 days, I wrote 64 pages and brought the motherfucker home." "Like that's how I write." "I'm like, oh, shit." "The fucking calendar's creeping up behind me." "I'm like, shit happens and people hide behind rocks." "And-- fucking he beats the bad guy, the end." "And you know?" "Mysteriously, people are like, wow, this is pretty good." "You put a lot of work in this." "I'm like, I absolutely did." "Like, why does he say to the bad guy, Swiper, no swiping?" "Just take that out, sorry." "What was your other question, sir?" "My other question-- my other question was kind of related to it." "Um, I only got like 40 pages in the last year and a half." "And I haven't" "Too much "Dora the Explorer" for you as well." "That's my problem." "I, um-- well, I haven't shown what I've written to anyone." "And I know you probably get this a lot, but I was wondering if you're still in Toronto." "I'd really like to get your opinion." "I remember, uh" "Boo." "I remember" "You motherfuckers turn on each other quick." "Our home and native-- until he says the thing we don't like, eh." "I remember, uh, in "An Evening with Kevin Smith,"" "there was that one that-- when you were talking about how your brother couldn't relate to a lot of movies featuring homosexuals." "Yes, because he's gay." "Because he's gay, yeah." "Are you gay?" "Is that what you're telling me?" "Is this your" "No, I'm not gay." "Long-winded, roundabout way of saying" "I don't know if you've noticed this, but I am a physically disabled midget." "And, um" "No!" "Yeah." "I'm serious." "Sir, let me tell you something right now." "You're passing." "Because I had no idea." "You know what?" "I just found out two years ago myself." "It's unbelievable." "So there's-- there's not a lot of movies featuring people like that in a positive way." "There's a few, but whatever." "Unless you're a member of the fucking lollipop guild." "Then-- then there's movies." "But other than that, you're right." "You're absolutely right. "Station Agent."" ""Station Agent."" ""Station Agent" was good." "Yeah." ""Willow" was pretty good, but still, it's like a fantasy type." ""Willow" is fantasy, isn't it?" "It's fantasy, like only midgets can play fantasy-like characters." "Mexican wrestling." "Don't you-- you got to hate the fucking-- the non-height challenged, don't you?" "There you go." "Because every once in a while, they'll just hit you with the fucking Ewoks." "They're like, oh, shut up." "You got the Ewoks." "And you're like" "Yeah." "So if you're in town, uh-- whatever." "For the next few days, whatever still." "I have a business card." "I'd like to give it to you." "If you can give me a call, that'd be great." "I know you're probably thinking, no-- no fucking way." "But whatever." "It's worth trying." "It's worth a shot." "But no, sir, I would never in a million fucking years do that." "Yeah, I understand." "But it's not because of the height thing, just understand." "Because I like you." "You're the right height." "But, the, um" "Remember the whole Dora thing?" "Yeah." "That's me basically saying I hate to work myself." "So the idea of working on somebody else's fucking bullshit." " Well, I don't want you to work." "I just want to get your opinion." "But that's cool." "But it's totally worth a shot." "But what are you, 40 pages in?" "About 40, yeah." "Finish it, sir." "Finish." "Sorry?" "Just finish it." "Finish it and shoot it." "Because basically" " I know a story about a motherfucker." "Fat." "And he lived in Jersey and he wrote a movie about people bombing around a fucking convenience store." "And-- and it led to him being onstage being like, fuck you." "You know?" "So-- so I'm telling you, finish it." "Make your picture." "And then stand up here and tell somebody-- tell some tall fucker, no." "Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "In "Jersey Girl," how did you convincingly get Ben Affleck to cry?" "How did I convince him?" "I mean, that was believable." "That was very fucking easy." "I brought a astrologer on set, laid out the cards for the next two years." "No." "Affleck doesn't need any help, sir." "Affleck is a brilliant, brilliant actor." "He's getting the shit beat out of him right now." "I am not one of those people that fucking, oh, let's jump on the fuck Ben Affleck bandwagon." "I'd still believe in Ben." "I would cast Ben as anything." "I've said it a million times." "I'd cast him in the fucking shark in "Jaw" if we remade it." "And the robot in" "I believe in fucking Ben Affleck." "So Affleck, he can cry on command, sir." "It's easy." "He's very bitch-like in nature." "So-- so very, very easy for him to cry on command." "And great." "It's a real weird process to watch an actor be like, give me a few minutes." "And they go someplace really fucking dark and come out and fucking throw it down and shit like that." "And you're like, cut." "And they're just like, were any chicks watching?" "You know?" "Because they know if chicks watching, they got it fucking made, right?" "Because like, he's so sensitive, you know?" "And he gets them back to the trailer." "He's like, I am very sensitive." "Now, roll over." "But Affleck crying on cue, is fucking-- it's a walk in the park for that dude." "He's really-- he's really quite good at it." "He cries in almost every movie, doesn't he?" "If you watch him." "Go back, there's always a point where he's got the glazed fucking look on his face." "And he starts squirting a few." "That's what he does." "He cries very well." "Does everything very well." "So that was-- it was neat." "It was a cake walk getting him to do it." "I love making him cry in movies, too." "I love getting him to an emotional place, because that's my favorite version of Ben Affleck in movies." "My favorite version in real life is the one who just makes me laugh." "Because he's one of the funniest people I've ever known." "My favorite version of Ben Affleck in the movies is the guy who fucking cries." "And I'll hand him a script and invariably I call the call." "And he's just like, come on, dude." "Michael Bay don't make me cry." "I was like, that's funny." "He makes me cry." "As does your work in his picture, sir." "But, uh, I really" " I like seeing" " I like seeing it." "Because I think he emotes very well." "So yeah, that's easy to get him to cry." "Thank you very much." "Some other guy dropped this off." "Some fan art, I guess." "Right on." "You hold onto it." "Just in case." "Once we get past the one-hour mark where it would go boom." "If it doesn't explode, bring it back." "Sir, you came in costume tonight." "Oh, sweet Jesus." "There go your chances of getting laid tonight." "I kind of came in costume, too." "Rock it, sir." "Last time you were here, you gave us your, uh-- basically, your personal review on some movies that you've seen." "Yes." "And you ripped them apart in only a way that can do." "Yes." "I was wondering if you could give us an updated version on some of the crap that you've seen lately." "For example?" "Let the savior fucking speak." "How often do you get a chance to talk to Jesus?" "Amen." "Sir." "Any movie you want." "Well, I mean, it's up to you, Lord." "Well-- listen to my people." "I'm sorry?" "Listen to my people." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Any movie." "Ugh." "This is why they nailed you to the fucking cross." "The Jews were like, he's so fucking indecisive." "Hang him up." "Because if Mel Gibson taught us anything, it's that the Jews killed Christ." "But not before they beat the shit out of him first." "Fucking savior." "Recent movie?" ""Team America."" ""Gigli."" "I honestly-- "Gigli" is a movie that I really didn't find as atrocious as most people." "But I was partial because I like the guy in the movie." "Like, I'll watch that dude in anything." "He was the bomb in "Phantoms." "Phantoms"" "is a terrible picture, but I liked it because of him." "I kind of like watching him do shit." "I watched "Surviving Christmas" and thought he was very funny in it." "So same thing with "Gigli."" "Because I watched it, I'm like, that's my friend." "He's kind of funny." "Even in movies that aren't that great." "But, um-- the one thing." "My only issue with "Gigli" was like, dude, you really going to play-- ring this fucking bell twice where you're like," "I can turn a lesbian, you know?" "We did it once and we kind of got away with it." "But." "He was like, no, I'm going to do it again." "This time it's J Lo." "That, to me, was they only mistake of "Gigli," double dipping and shit like that." "But, uh-- so, no, I didn't have a problem with that movie very much." ""Paycheck."" ""Paycheck."" "You know, it kind of the movie-- the title of the movie is very appropriate." "Because that's flat out what he was earning." "Um" ""Team America I fucking enjoyed." "You know, puppets fucking." "Nothing wrong with that." "Fuck yeah." ""Incredibles" is fantastic." "I love "The Incredibles."" "We should probably move on from" ""I, Robot."" ""I, Robot" I saw and I fucking totally dug." "Except they kind of-- it was like, uh, getting a really fantastic blow job where at the very end she's like" "That's why they don't let me review movies in papers because everyone's got the whole thumbs up, thumbs down." "Two, three, four stars." "I'm like, no, no, no, it's like getting a blow job where the chick pulls it out and jerks you off to a conclusion all over your belly, you know?" "Where you're like, oh, this is phenomenal." "This is awesome." "Oh, no, wait." "Out?" "No." ""Mean Girl."" "Loved it. "Mean Girls" I didn't see because fuck Lindsay Lohan." "Don't know anything about her, just don't like the look of her." "You know?" "Looks a little trashy." "I like my shit to be less trashy than that." "I'm not" " I'm also not a Duff woman, either." "So fuck her, too." "My ideal movie would be like fucking throw those two chicks in the pit." "Give them a couple broken bottles." "Go." "I don't think we're going to see that movie." "All right, are we really going to do this all night?" "Fucking yelling out random." "Let's move on." "Jesus, can we move on?" "Right on." "Well done." "Sir, really." "That is a commitment for the whole evening." "Just sit there as God and-- you live with the parents or what?" "You do live with the parents?" "You know you're walking out and your dad's like, that's why." "Excuse me, yes." "All right." "First of all, I'd like to say I'm an animator and I love your movies." "And the next thing I want to know is, what happened to "Clerks 2," the cartoon?" "You said that it was going to be a cartoon movie?" "Yes." "What's going on with it?" "I'm sorry." "It's such a decent question, I was flabbergasted." "Um, "Clerks 2."" "We were calling it "Clerks Sell Out."" "And the plot of the movie was essentially, uh," "Dante and Randall are like, hey, let's make a movie set here in the Quick Stop." "Because I really, really ran out of ideas." "And, uh" "And so basically, we were thinking of doing it theatrically, because Harvey Weinstein, the chairman of Miramax, was like, well, fucking-- the "Tigger Movie."" "You know, Disney put out the "Tigger Movie."" "It cost them $8 million to make." "The movie made $40 million." "We were like, right on." "And he was just like, we could do the same thing with "Clerks."" "I was like, you want us to put fucking Tigger in "Clerks?"" "He's like, no, we make a cartoon real cheap and we throw it out there." "We just fucking go to the bank laughing all the way." "I'm like, first off, nobody watched the show, dude." "That's why they canceled it, remember?" "Second off, like it's-- you got a kid." "You're going to take them to see the "Tigger Movie" and shit." "You're not going to take them to see noise, noise, noise, smoking weed." "You know?" "I mean, because he's kind of Tigger-like, but you know?" "But fucking" " I don't" " I just don't think any parents lining up to see that movie." "So, um-- so basically we went back to him and said, look, would it make more sense if we did it as a straight-to-video movie." "Because that way, the people who really want to see it, would see it." "Because the "Clerks" cartoon, when we put them out on DVD as a collection sold well." "So we said, can we do that instead of trying to go theatrical." "And he was like, whatever." "Because he had forgotten about it by that point." "This two years later, he's like, what are you talking about?" "I was like, the "Clerks" cartoon movie, "Clerks Sell Out."" "He was like, oh, right." "Yeah." "Well, whatever." "So we eventually have to get to it." "But the last we talked about it, we're going to do that as a straight-to-video movie." "Awesome." "Try to cross it over with "Winnie the Pooh"" "and see what happens there." "But yeah, straight to video, "Clerks Sell Out."" "Because believe me, I will ride the fucking "Clerks"" "thing right into the grave." "You know, they work in a store and they're pissed." "Cool." "That's it." "Right on." "Well done, sir." "So my question is, you've pretty much had the life of a fan boy thus far." "I mean, you-- you've got to make an entire universe based on your characters." "You've run a-- you've owned a comic shop." "You've worked on a comic." "You got married at Skywalker Ranch." "I mean, you've done everything that I would think any geek would love to do." "My question is, what's next?" "For one second as you went through the list," "I thought you were going to be like-- and now tonight." "For the world to see." "Or I thought you were building up to the "Howling" moment where you're like, tonight, I'm going to show you something." "Ah." "Nothing like that, no." "What's next?" "I don't know, sir." "What's next?" "I always often think about what it is." "Why did I do what I do and why I got into the business." "And chiefly, it was because I wanted to throw something on the screen that, you know, I recognized." "Something that I could identify with." "And that was "Clerks" and everything" "I've ever fucking done since then." "So I've accomplish that." "Then it was always like, ooh, wouldn't be cool to do this?" "Wouldn't be cool to write comic books?" "Then I fucking did that and shit." "I think I've reached the final frontier." "You know?" "Totally fucked Jason Mewes." "Where is Mewes?" "Where is Mewes?" "Just call Mewes up?" "Does anybody have a phone?" "Yeah." "Is this a phone-- you know what, sir?" "I don't need your phone." "Whenever I call Mewes, I just do this." "Mewes." "Mewes." "Doesn't work always." "Mewes." "Hello." "Ladies and sirs." "Sir, don't leave me up here by myself." "I'm scared." "I don't talk much, he does." "Dude, you've answered like two questions." "That's it." "He goes on and on and on, right?" "No?" "All right, no one's answering." "You want" "Oh, yeah." "You want to ask-- you want to do two questions?" "No, I don't want to." "I said you've only had two questions." "You've been here for like an hour." "Back off." "It was three." "Three questions." "Because I was saying one question, you just keep going on." "I go on for a bit." "Talking about "Dora the Explorer" or something." "I've been listening on the" "That's how I fuck, sir." "They ask for a little." "I go overboard." "You want to hang out on the couch?" "I want to sit on the couch." "Right on." "There's free water." "First off, I'd like to thank you for making "Clerks."" "It's nice to see a non-Asian dude that knows the pain of being behind the counter." "That's true." "That movie is kind of really fictional because there's two white guys fucking behind the counter." "And I don't know, every convenience store in the world I've ever been in-- thank you, come again." "You know?" "My first question is" " I have just two quick questions." "Um, one is on the first DVD you pretty much trashed a lot of the big Hollywood guys with your Superman story, Tim Burton." "And as well as, um, Prince." "Have you ever got any, um, backlash from that since releasing that DVD?" "I've never gotten backlash." "Never gotten backlash from it." "But I've heard like PSes to everything." "Like John Peter apparently is very flattered by the story." "Proving once again that the man is just almost insane clinically." "Um, who else was there?" "Um" "Tim Burton." "Tim Burton." "Um, Tim Burton." "No." "Since that story, I don't think I ever heard of anything." "I mean, I told the story about the "Planet of the Apes" thing, right?" "Yeah." "Where his claws came out." "So no, never heard anything after that." "Tim Burton, just like this dude is small fucking potatoes." "Prince, I did here a PS from." "Because the DVD came out and his producer at the time, the one who told me about Prince world-- her name's Stephanie." "Stephanie called me up and was just like, oh my god." "You named me." "She's like, it wasn't bad enough that you just said, you know, he's got this producer he works with." "You fucking gave me a name." "And it was my name." "And I was like, was that bad?" "Um, but thankfully she had left his employ at that point." "But she told me that, uh, people at Paisley Park would pass that around like an underground movie and shit." "And be like, you got to watch this." "He nails it." "He even talks about Prince world, you know?" "They don't want to talk out loud because all the rooms are bugged." "Because he can record in every room." "Um, so, uh, she said after he-- it finally got to him." "Somebody showed it to him." "And he was just like, find his non-disclosure agreement." "Because it says essentially when you come in to shoot or do something, they make you sign, like this agreement that says what happens in Prince world stays in Prince world, you know?" "You don't go out there and fucking talk about, like go get me a camel at 3:00 in the morning." "Just-- you don't talk about that shift." "The funny part is the day that they handed it to me," "I was like, oh, right on." "Let me just set up the shot." "And I never saw it again." "And it was never, like intentional." "Like, ooh, I'm going to talk about this shit." "It was just one of those things that I never fucking did." "And never thought about until Stephanie told me they tore apart Paisley Park looking for that non-disclosure agreement." "And it's not there." "And I was just like, oh, that would be because I probably never signed one." "And she was like, he was fucking mad." "Um, and then I guess, uh, he was on the cover of "Entertainment" "Weekly" a few months back when he was doing the tour and shit." "The brilliant tour where he oversold-- you know, sold tickets that were more expensive and included a CD, his latest CD, "Musicology."" "And then all those tickets sold for the concerts counted as units sold for his billboard ranking." "So made it seem like-- you go to a Prince concert." "I want to see Prince." "I don't want to listen to "Musicology"" "because it fucking blows." "But I want to go see Prince, because you love "Purple Rain"" "and shit." "And when you got there, they were like, here's your CD." "And you're like, oh, right on." "Free CD." "But it wasn't free because they built it into the price of the ticket." "And every ticket they gave out, every CD they gave out, counted toward Billboard." "So for a while, Prince was rocking the fucking top 10 on the Billboard and shit." "But not really." "But, um-- but it was enough to get him on the cover of "Entertainment Weekly."" "That, plus the fact that, you know, he's fucking Prince." "That gets him on there." " My second" "Not done." "And in his fucking interview at one point, he went out of his way to fucking talk about me, to bring me up." "And I only know that because the guy that wrote the piece is a dude who's interviewed me a few other times." "And he was just like-- dropped me an email." "He's going, Prince talked about you in his interview." "And I was like, oh, get out of here." "Did he talk about the "Evening With?"" "And he goes, kind of." "He didn't reference it specifically, but he talked about seeing "Jersey Girl."" "And I was like, oh, right on." "Did he love it?" "Because I thought maybe, you know, he fucking watched it and he was like, you know what?" "Kev's an all right guy." "Not the case." "Um, because he said in the article." "He was like, I saw "Jersey Girl."" "And he trashed it." "And he said, that's what happens when the potty mouth don't work for you no more." "So the guy who was writing the piece told me that." "And he's like, do you have a comment?" "And I was just like, OK." "Um, so I was like, well, you know, it's OK that he hated "Jersey Girl" because I fucking hated "Crystal Ball," which was an album that he did a long time ago." "And he was like, oh, that's perfect." "That's going in." "It went in the article and shit." "And it wasn't until a few days later where I was like, oh, I should have just said, this coming from the director of "Under the Cherry Moon,"" "which would have been a little more obscure." "But still, he also directed a movie." "So it would have been like one director tagging another and shit." "You know?" "Kind of like playing a game of the dozens." "But, uh, it didn't really pan out like that." "I guess he read the article or saw it, but I never heard from him again." "Still haven't heard from him about that." "Uh, people were always kind of mystified about what happened to all the footage and shit." "Because Stephanie had called me at one point and said, hey, do you want to edit this stuff together?" "And I was like, uh, no." "I mean, not really." "I mean, if you bring it to Jersey," "I'll totally edit it together." "And she's going" " I said, didn't you guys try editing already?" "She's like, we've gone through a few editors." "And I said, why?" "Is he that difficult to work with?" "She's like, well, no." "It's just that what he wants to do with the footage a lot of people don't agree with ideologically." "And I was like, what does he want to do with the fucking footage?" "Like, insert it into a porn?" "Because I'm down with that." "I'll cut that shit." "And she goes, no, he wants to turn it into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses." "Because he's a Jehovah's Witness now." "So he wanted to take all the footage from the interviews we did and shit, inter-cut it with concert footage, and turn it into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's" "Witnesses and shit." "And I was like, get out of here." "That's what we were doing this whole time?" "She's like, I guess." "You want to work on it?" "And I said, oh, shit." "No." "No, I already made my recruitment film for Catholicism." "I don't" "I said, I got no interest in fucking doing that." "I was like, he's really serious about this fucking" "Jehovah's Witnesses shit?" "And she's like, he pretty hardcore." "I was like, how hardcore?" "Because in my mind, I just see fucking bing-bong." "Open the door." "And Prince is like, dearly beloved." "Would you like to buy a watchtower?" "You know?" "But she said, that's what he's doing." "He's trying to use the footage for that." "So the last I heard, it was going into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses." "So if you're ever approached by a bunch of Jehovah Witnesses and they're just like, we'd like you to watch this video, that's my latest film." "Uh, hi." "So for all your movies, you're like writer/director." "You got like five credits." "Um, so I figure that's got to be a pretty good paycheck." "I have two questions." "Uh, how much are you worth?" "And what do you waste money on?" "How much am I worth?" "Um, I don't know." "I have no idea how much I'm worth." "What does that mean exactly?" "Like to my mother, I'm worth a lot." "Well-- like, what's your net worth?" "Like-- you know, like if you were-- let's say you were one of those good filmmakers and they put you on that "Forbes" list." "Calm down." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait." "OK." "Let's say" "No, wait." "Dude, I just" " I couldn't fucking hear you the first time." "I missed" " I missed the setup." "Go." "If you were appreciated enough to be put on that "Forbes"" "list" "On the "Forbes" list." "Why was everyone aww to" "I know." "I heard 'em." "You reined that shit in pretty quick." "You're like, what if you were good enough." "Oh." "I mean, what a-- they were smart enough to" "I ad-lib like" "There's 2,000 fucking Canadians who were like, let's get him." "Anyway, what if-- if somebody put me on the "Forbes"" "list, what would I be worth?" "Obviously, I haven't made the "Forbes" list." "Ballpark figure." "Do you have $10 million?" "Do I have $10 million?" "Are you looking for a fucking loan, sir?" "What do you mean, do I have?" "Am I liquid?" "Am I so liquid that I got $10 million sitting somewhere?" "Sure." "No." "Sir, I have a family." "I'm married and I have a kid." "And I buy a lot of fucking DVDs." "So" " I'm a real-- honestly, I kind of live very hand-to-mouth, where it's like, I get paid." "And then I get fat." "And then I go back to work." "And I get paid and I get fat." "And basically, we just spend that money until there's no money left." "And then I'm like, well, what did Jay and Silent Bob do this week?" "But no." "I don't have a fucking $10 million sitting somewhere." "Affleck does." "Affleck has got more than $10 million sitting somewhere." "Affleck had that stretch where he did like 3 movies where he made $15 to $20 or something like that." "And thank god, because now he can live off that for-- wait till the storm passes and shit." "But I don't have that chunk of change sitting someone." "Also, you know, Affleck's not fucking married and doesn't have a kid." "A wife and a kid will fucking bleed you dry, sir." "I'll keep that in mind." "Don't fucking get married." "Which I don't think is a problem for you." "What's your net worth, eh?" "How much you worth?" "What you got in the bank?" "How many toonies and loonies do you have?" "Nobody has" " I give it up, sir." "Nobody has ever asked me that question before, how much are you worth?" "That's a real fucking esoteric question." "One that's going to plague me, too." "Wake my wife up at 3:00 in the morning." "Honey, what am I worth?" "Get off of me." "Get it off of me." "Hi." "Hi, I just have two questions." "Two questions." "Or one question, actually, and one comment." "Thank you for coming to Toronto, first of all." "Thank you." "Thank you for having me." "And my second question is just about why you actually come and do these shows." "What-- what reasons do you have to come and do these shows?" "They want you to do a show up at Roy Thomson." "I don't know." "They got a lot of Timbits." "I'm there." "Smart motherfucker right here." "Come on up, sir." "What's your name, new best friend?" "My name is Adam, but all my friends call me Jaws." "Hey, Jaws." "Hi, Jaws." "Because you suck dick?" "Um, back in grade 9, I hit over 6 feet and I had braces." "My friend, Matt, was a huge James Bond fan and he started calling me Jaws." "And you sucked his dick." "We'll save that for the special edition." "Um" "Because you sucked his dick." "Presenting my Timbits." "Wait." "So they're your Timbits?" "Oh, I bought them." "Did you sweat in them?" "Because they look a little worse for wear, sir." "You didn't do anything to them, did you?" "I'll eat one if you want." "Well, what if you put the poison in but you have the antidote?" "Pick one." "Pick a Timbit and I'll eat it." "Do that one." "Yeah." "But what if that's the one you didn't put the poison in knowing that I would choose that one because it was so different looking?" "Security." "What's this?" "I was also worried with the no food policy that they would take it away." "So I also smuggled a little dime bag just in case." "You're giving me weed?" "A Canadian version of weed." "But yeah, just more Timbits." "Oh, it's a dime bag of Timbits." "Just in case if they confiscated that one," "I had that one as well." "So this is your secret stash?" "Exactly." "You guys got any questions for the donut man?" "All right." "Question?" "Where the fuck are my donuts, Jaws?" "I came with you." "Where are my donuts?" "I'll give you Timbits tomorrow for free at school." "Remember, my mom works there." "She is so fired." "Is this what you have to deal with all the time?" "Owen." "Take your pants off, too." "Thank you for signing my comics last year." "You're welcome, sir." "Don't forget the coat." "Are those your glasses, sir." "No?" "They are, right?" "Well done." "Sir, what was your question?" "My question was, why do you come here?" "Aside from money, which is probably an obvious factor." "Aside from the food." "And Timbits." "Um, you know, honestly, I kind of dig it." "I like it." "This is my, uh, second-- well, third favorite part of the job." "I like writing." "I like editing." "Because editing is kind of like writing." "It's like getting to write another version of the script." "Another draft if you will." "And I like doing this part because that's what it's all about, right?" "It's a communication medium where you throw the movie out there and you see if anybody identifies with it." "And you manufacture for use." "You want to-- excuse me-- hear what people have to say about it." "And this is kind of the way I hear what people have to think about the shit." "The feedback." "And it started that way." "It started by going to the screenings, doing Qamp;" "As afterwards." "And then, sooner or later, we just started losing the screenings altogether because people are like, oh, fuck the movie." "Just get up there and talk about your dick, you know?" "So, uh" " I don't know, I just kind of like it." "This is where I feel comfortable." "I'm fucking terrible in person, though." "Because that's what happens." "A lot of people are like, oh, you must be fucking great in a room." "I am terrible in a room." "If you get me in a room with 5, 6 people, I shut the fuck up." "I'm just like, hello." "But I can do this." "Like I could do 2,000, 3,000 people." "But one on one?" "Dog shit." "Except my wife." "I could talk to her pretty well." "But like my wife will always invite her friends over." "And they're just like, why did you marry him?" "He's such a boring guy." "And she hands them "An Evening with Kevin Smith,"" "and then they're like, oh." ""An Evening with Kevin Smith" is four hours long." "You know?" "And my wife's like, no, it's not." "Evening with Kevin Smith is two minutes if I'm lucky." "Three if he gets on top, you know?" "So I don't know, I just kind of dig it." "I'm just kind of into it." "I like it." "I like doing it here, too." "Love fucking doing it in Canada." "Love the" "Last one we did at Roy Thomson Hall was hands down my favorite Qamp;" "A I'd ever done." "Here at Roy Thomson." "Because you're" " I don't know, you guys kind of get it." "It's not like they don't get it down in the States." "But I don't know, it just feels" " I truly feel, like welcome here." "Like I feel like Superman-- fucking his world blew up and so Earth became his adopted homeland." "And that's how I feel about Canada." "Of course, the analogy falls to shit right away because, unfortunately," "America has not blown up yet." "Give it time." "Although, soon." "Give it-- give it time." "And, uh-- and also, I can't do shit to protect" "Canada from anybody." "But nobody seems to want to make war with you, so it's all right, you know?" "So basically, I could just be like, I am protecting them." "Until shit starts going on and I'm like," "I got your back from back here." "Go." "Behind the rock." "Behind the rock, sir." "He just became a better writer than me." "But I dig i t." "I just kind of dig it." "I feel at home in doing this kind of shit." "This feels good." "You know, it's kind of a rush, too." "3,000 people want to hear what you have to say." "Only in this country." "He's talking about Getty, eh?" "Oh, Getty's amazing." "Maybe he'll do a little Tom Sawyer." "It's nice, though." "It's nice." "It makes you feel wanted and shit." "Because then I go out in the real world and nobody wants me." "Here though, I could probably get laid." "Moments like this, I'm just like, I could totally get laid." "That's why it's like so-- you got to keep your head straight with shit like this." "Because you jump on a stage and people are like, wah and shit like that." "You're like, oh my god, why did I get married?" "I could fuck all of these people." "At least once, you know?" "Till they figured out I was a terrible lay." "But all I need is one crack." "But then, you know, I get off" "Then I get off stage and it's just not really the case." "And then there's only one person that ever wants to fuck me." "And that's-- you know, that's kind of beautiful." "It is." "That's why I got married, because she fucks really well." "And she loves me." "And I love her." "But, uh, on the stage, you tend to like, wow, this is" " I'm pretty happening." "And then, you know, you go home and shit." "And she's like, uh, quit farting." "And you remember you're not that happening at all." "And she's too smart for me to be like, look, there are 3,000 fucking people who would like to hear me fart." "And she'd be like, I fucking hope so because that's how we earn our living, fat ass." "You know?" "She's a pretty sharp cookie." "But, uh, that's really it." "I just kind of enjoy it." "I mean, the money's nice, too." "Don't get me wrong." "It's really nice." "I used to do it for free, though." "And then one day somebody was just like, wow." "I was at a school in New Jersey." "I was at Rutgers in Camden, the Camden campus." "And I used to just drive places and do" "Qamp;" "A. They'd be like, hey, you want to come talk to the college students?" "I'd be like, yeah." "Right on." "Then one day I was at Rutgers, Camden." "We were showing clips for something, so I went outside to smoke." "That was when I used to smoke." "And, uh, the chick who was running the program was like, wow, it's so awesome that you just do this for free." "And I was like, it really, really is." "What does that mean exactly?" "And she's like, well, most people kind of charge to do it." "And I was like, charge to do this." "Why would somebody charge for an ego boost like this?" "This is awesome." "How much they make?" "So she was like, well, we just had Janeane here," "Janeane Garofalo." "I was like, right on." "How much she make?" "She's like 20 Gs." "I was like" "20 G what?" "$20,000 American or Canadian?" "Which is actually pretty fucking close now." "$20,000." "I was like, get out of here." "So then I started charging for gas." "Then I was like, I feel secure enough to be like, look, you've got to give me gas money." "Pitch me $5 crumpled up." "Here you go." "Fuck off, "Clerks" boy." "Right on." "I took those fucks." "My net worth?" "$5." "And then there was a period where I just-- and then it started going up." "And they started paying me more and shit like that." "Then I got to a place where I just like, ugh," "I don't want to do it anymore." "Because they always send you to remote places." "Like at least this we're in the middle of a city, right?" "So you fly into fucking" " Pearson?" "Pearson, is that what it's called?" "Named for-- you know, that guy Pearson." "And, uh-- and you know, you're in the city in fucking 20 minutes." "Sometimes, though, they'll send you a fucking college in bumblefuck." "Fucking." "They're like, you want to go out the Maritimes?" "Shit, no." "You know?" "You're out of your fucking minds." "Um." "And then you fly in and drive four hours to get to the fucking college." "So there was a period where I was just like, I don't want to do it anymore, so I'm just going to fucking raise my fee." "And that way people will be like, oh, fuck him." "He's not worth it." "And, uh, they still kept fucking paying." "I was like, oh, good god." "They got me." "I guess I got to go." "So, uh-- but I dig it." "Really, I kind of dig it." "You know, when I'm busy, when I'm making a flick or something, I'm like, uh." "You know, I'd rather concentrate on one thing." "But right now, I got nothing going on at the moment, except for fucking "Degrassi."" "So I'm all up in it." "I'm like, send me-- I'll go anywhere." "Fuck it, I'm there." "Send me to fucking Oakville, Kitchener." "I'll do all the" "I'll be" " I'll fucking play to Newfie towns, too." "I don't give a shit." "Send me to every fucking province." "And they're like, you're going to Toronto." "I'm like, right on." "So, uh-- so I just dig it, really is what it comes down to." "All righ." "Thanks very much." "And, uh, just" " I hope that you, uh, come back another time." "Come back?" "Yeah." "Well, I mean, this is amazing." "I have never repeated a place." "I don't think I've ever gone to the same place twice" "You should do it three times." "Which says a lot about the show." "Because apparently" "Apparently, you all are starved for entertainment because most places are like, ugh, we saw him." "Hockey." "No hockey, right?" "The boys are on strike, eh." "The Leafs aren't going to play." "Bring the fat guy back." "You fuckers and your hockey, man." "God, you love some hockey." "And the whole fucking town-- there's a real pall over the whole fucking town." "And I was like, what's with all the down spirits and shit?" "And they're like, no hockey, eh." "Hockey night's gone, eh." "Saturdays we got nothing to do." "We look at each other and talk about the hockey." "How good it would be, how great it was, and how wonderful it will be when it comes back." "So I says to the guy, I says, there's no hockey?" "He says, I know there's no hockey, eh." "And I says, well, there it is." "Those are actual conversations I've listened to." "But generally, I don't-- I've never doubled up." "This is the first place I've ever done twice." "And not only have I done it twice." "It's not even like, he was here three years ago." "I was here in fucking March." "Like, nothing has really happened to me between March and now." "So I was so worried coming back." "I'm like, I'm not going to have shit to talk about." "But, uh, it's cool." "I like this room." "I could come back all the time." "And we sold it out pretty" "Don't, because-- don't because you'll get tired of if." "If I come back in another four months, you'll be like, oh, he's talking about his fucking dick again." "Oh, hockey's back?" "Oh, fuck him." "Go Leafs." "Stop it." "Stop living into the stereotype for Christ sake." "Like, what?" "Leafs?" "Yes, go Leafs." "Did they settle the strike?" "No?" "Fuck." "Um, so there it is." "I just kind of like doing it." "But you know, I can't do it without you." "So thank you for coming." "Thank you." "Right on." "All right, I wanted to know, um, what is like the meanest, most cold-hearted thing you've ever done or said to someone just because?" "Meanest, cold-hearted thing I've ever done or said to anybody?" "Yeah." "Did you feel bad after?" "No." "It was never-- there's never been any of that shit." "The meanest probably-- meanest, cold-hearted thing" "I've ever done." "And I still kind of carry it with me sometimes, is, uh, junior year, the end of junior year." "Uh, in high school." "Which is, what?" "11th grade to you guys." "Grade 11, sorry." "Grade 11, eh." "Um-- uh, Michelle." "She was a classmate of mine, really sweet girl, was running for student council president because the juniors ran for it at the end of the year because you'd be the-- senior year you'd be a student council president." "And she was running unopposed." "And I was just like, well, that's not democracy." "Somebody should run against her." "And I ran against her, just for the fuck of it." "Didn't want it." "Was just like, shouldn't Miche-- we called her Miche." "Miche will totally win." "But there should be somebody else in the race." "And it also give me a chance to kind of get up on the PA system and sing a song, which was, uh-- 19-- what was it?" "Fuck." "I forget." "Essentially, it was to "New York, New York,"" "but the chorus was vote overweight, vote overweight." "And they did." "Proving once again that it's not really the qualification, it's just who puts on a better show." "So basically, Miche was just like, if you vote for me for student council president," "I will totally lead our class and the school into the next generation." "And then I got up there and was like, vote overweight." "Vote overweight." "And they were like, oh, let's vote for the fat guy." "Uh, and I won." "So senior year I was student council president." "And the first thing I did as student council president was to abolish the Fall Carnival, which was the big thing everyone looked forward to." "Why?" "Like, fuck it." "It's a waste of our time." "We don't need it." "Got rid of it." "And everybody was like, what happened to the Fall Carnival?" "And they're like, student council president got rid of it." "Drunk on my own power I was like, let's see how far I can go." "Got rid of homecoming, which is not a big deal because we didn't have a fucking football team." "So I never understood why we had a homecoming dance." "I was like, homecoming is for fucking football games." "We don't have a football game." "What do we have a homecoming for?" "Fuck it." "No, it's gone." "And fucking people are like, right on." "It's gone." "I was Bush." "You know?" "I was flat out W. I just made horrible, fucking random decisions and people were like, he's our president." "I did try to abolish the prom." "And that one I got overruled on." "People are like, you can't take away the fucking prom." "We've had it up to here." "And they kept their fucking prom." "But I refused to go to it and shit." "And my girlfriend at the time was a junior, right?" "And so I had the junior prom the year before." "I had gone to it." "She was a sophomore at that time." "And I brought her with me." "So we went to the junior prom." "So senior year, she was supposed to go with me to the senior prom." "We had junior/senior prom together and shit." "So I told her, I was like, look." "I'm not doing a fucking senior prom." "I'm just blowing it off and shit." "I'm taking a stand." "Against what?" "I don't know." "But I was in high school." "I was just rebelling against everything, including my fucking waistline." "So, um-- so I was like, no fucking prom." "Prom's stupid." "A stupid fucking tradition." "And look, if we want to fuck, we're going to fuck at a hotel room." "We don't need to go to the prom." "Or we'll just fuck in your parents house." "There's no reason to go to the fucking prom." "And she was just like, but I want to go to the prom." "It meant the world to her." "She wanted to go to the prom." "I was like, no, we're not going to the fucking prom." "It's my prom." "We're not going to it." "It's my senior prom." "We're going to hang out." "We're going to watch fucking "The Breakfast Club" again." "So she was like, all right." "All right." "And then, that night-- class move-- she went to the fucking prom." "Didn't even tell me." "I called up her mom." "I was like, where's Kim?" "Where Kim at?" "We're going to hang out and watch "Breakfast Club."" "She's like, Kim's in a gown at the prom." "And I was like, oh, fucking-- we were supposed to be rebelling together." "And she had no interest in rebelling and shit." "And that was where our kind of relationship started to-- she didn't want to rebel with me." "I wasn't going to roll like that and shit." "So, uh-- so it comes to the end of the year." "And basically, the student council's in charge of the elections for the next round of student council elections, the juniors who are running." "And, uh, there was a kid who was running for, uh, student council president against, uh, some girl." "And their names-- well, fuck it." "I'm not going to tell you their names because the story's pretty bad." "And, um" "So basically, there was a kid-- one guy running, one girl running." "And, uh, my Spanish teacher at the time pulled me aside and was like, you know you're failing, right?" "You're going to fail this year?" "Excellent teacher.." "Fantastic fucking teacher." "But I was a terrible student." "Didn't bother to learn any Spanish and shit." "Didn't know that one day I would live in Los Angeles and need Spanish." "I was like, I live in New Jersey." "I'll never need Spanish." "Moved to LA." "I need Spanish." "So, uh" "Dora." "That's why I watch Dora." "All right." "Rein it in, sir." "Not everything is the rock." "Um, so, uh-- but still, I liked it." "I tried to pull your credit away, but that was good." "Um, so, uh-- that was good." "So, um" " I got to remember that for the next show." "Dude, I'm taking all your material." "Um, so, uh-- so my Spanish teacher says to me, listen, uh, do you want to pass?" "I was like, oh, god." "I'm going to have to blow this motherfucker." "Because I'm OK." "I'm OK with blow jobs, man." "Like, I get it." "Like, I know" " I'm comfortable with my sexuality." "Doesn't mean I can't take a shot in the mouth for a good grade." "It doesn't necessarily make me gay, it just means I give good head." "So he's like, no, none of that." "He said, uh, I just want" " I want you to make sure that the chick wins and not the guy." "And I was like, really?" "You want me to throw the election and you'll pass me in Spanish?" "And he was like, totally." "I was like, I don't know, man." "I got to think about this." "All right." "Votes came in and shit." "And we tallied them up and shit." "Because guess who counted the votes?" "I was like the chick in Florida, dude." "What's her name?" "Katherine Harris." "I was fucking Katherine Harris." "A 12th grade Katherine Harris." "Tossing shit away." "I was like, where are the black votes?" "So basically, the guy won by a very slim margin." "The girl didn't." "And sure enough, I was just like one, two, three." "Hey, she won." "And that was probably the worst thing I've fucking ever done in my life." "That girl got to be student council president and that dude spiraled fucking downwards and, uh, kissed the end of a shotgun." "Blew his head off." "Or something." "I" " I can't remember." "I never did the follow-up to that story." "I just know that he didn't win." "And really, legitimately he did." "But the real weird fucking vengeance is that dude wound up dating my ex-girlfriend the next year, which he must've known, right?" "He was like, you steal my presidency." "I'm going to steal your fucking pussy, sir." "So then I went out with his girlfriend." "I was like, you're going to steal my pussy for stealing the election?" "I'm going to fucking steal your pussy, sir." "And then we were all miserable." "And the great irony is the girl that he was dating, his girlfriend that I wound up stealing and going out with was named Amy." "And so forever more, people would come up to her and be like, oh my god, didn't you date the "Clerks" guy?" "Is "Chasing Amy" about you?" "And she'd be like, no." "And it's not." "But I like the name." "That story has no ending, really." "Wait, no." "It does." "That motherfucker came looking for blood and what did I do?" "Hid behind a rock." "Hey, man." "I want to say good job in the movies and everything." "Thank you, sir." "In "Roadside Attractions," everything's really good." "I had a question for Mewes, but he deeked." "You are the most laidback person I've ever met." "You're just like, right on, dude." "Rock on with your bad self in the "Roadside Attractions."" "You are super-cool, sir." "You're Fonzie." "Hey." "Anyways, um" "Fonzie was Canadian, wasn't he?" "Hey." "I left my leather jacket at home." "I was going to say that you have an image." "The trench coat, jacket, the beard." "Have you ever thought about getting rid of the beard?" "Because you look at guys like Chuck Norris and Chewbacca," "Jesus even." "Without a beard" "Without a beard, they would like lose all their power and their credibility." "And, uh" "I was just going to ask have you ever thought of that?" "Because I think it'd be a truly horrible thing if you did that." "You would, uh" " I don't know." "Like, no one would recognize you." "I wouldn't." "You know?" "Like, Alex Trebek got rid of his mustache." "And I was watching "Jeopardy," who is that guy?" "I didn't know who he was." "It's like having a conversation with one of my characters." "Sir, I just think that it's fucking brilliant that you somehow managed to tie Chuck" "Norris, Chewbacca the Wookie, and Jesus Christ together." "Because if I was on a fucking game show and somebody said, name three people who have beards, maybe-- maybe I would be like, uh, the son of God, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." "I wouldn't even" " Chuck Norris wouldnt' come to mind." "Never in a million years." "I don't even know." "Does he have a beard?" "Doesn't he just rock a mustache?" "He's got a beard." "Does he really?" "You and me on that game show, you win." "Chewie I wouldn't even think of." "Chewie would be the answer." "They're like, judges?" "And they're like" "Um, have I ever thought about taking off the beard?" "I do take it off from time to time." "But, uh, only if I've got nothing going on." "Like if I'm not going to have to be public, except to go to the store and shit like that." "But if I don't have to get on stage, or take a picture, or something like that." "Because when I take it off, I look dramatically different." "I look like a 16-year-old fat kid." "As opposed to a 34-year-old fat man." "Um, and it also-- my wife hates it." "Like, the first time I took it off when we were together," "I came out of the bathroom." "I was like, notice anything different?" "She was like, oh, Jesus." "Whoa." "Dig it out of the drain and glue it back." "She hated it." "She hated it." "And the first time I did it when I had the kid, she was just like, ah." "Because suddenly I wasn't dad anymore." "I was just some random fat dude fucking her mom." "So I have taken it off from time to time, but I just look really, really bad with it, you know?" "It's just-- you know?" "Fucking chin city and shit." "Your wife if your beard." "My wife is my beard, isn't she?" "Oh, sir." "Who was it?" "That was you." "That was your move." "Because in your head you know you were sitting there going," "I'm going to yell out your wife is your beard and they'll laugh like they laughed at the rock guy." "And you yelled it out." "You got it out there." "You had the guts to do it and shit." "And then I even echoed it for you, just in case the cheap seats didn't hear." "And there was fucking crickets, sir." "You are fucking "Gigli" incarnate, sir." "But I respected that." "That would have been my go-to joke." "I should have fucking thought of that." "I should have been like, I'd rock the my wife is a beard joke and talk about sucking cock." "Thank god you did it first." "I will never use that joke." "Right on." "You're feeling pretty good right about now because you're like," "I busted out Chuck Norris." "Anywho." "No, I've never shaved the beard, uh, on a regular basis." "You should bring the "Roadside Attractions" with Leno to Toronto." "I think that'd be pretty funny." "Do "Roadsides" up here?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd like to." "I would like to totally do that." "You like them, huh?" "Yeah, for sure." "They're not bad." "I have a fun time doing them." "The guy that I do those with, Andy McElfresh." "He's the real brains behind it." "He's way into that kind of sense of humor." "And my jokes, I tend to write very long-- they're not even jokes." "It's just observations." "And he's a real joke guy, go for the punchline kind of thing." "So if you really like those, truly he's the genius behind them." "I'm just the guy who stands there and fucking dances like a chimp." "Every once in a while, I find something quick to tag up with." "But, uh-- yeah, they've been fun to do." "I would like to do one up here." "That'd be nice." "You don't really have attractions, though." "Like CN Tower and that's it." "Tim Hortons." "Tim Hortons, that's not really a roadside attraction." "Leaf" "Tim Hortons is fucking legion in this country." "What do you got, 30 million people living up here?" "You have 31 million Tim Hortons." "There was one Tim Horton, 1.8-- 1.0008 Tim Hortons per fucking resident of Canada." "You all got your own." "Like, what's that?" "Oh, that's Bob's Tim Hortons." "Bob who?" "I don't know." "But there's one guy named Bob and that's his." "So Tim Hortons wouldn't really be a stop, man." "Leafs." "The Leafs is not really a roadside attraction." "It's a sporting team." "Hall of Fame." "Hall of Fame is definitely a roadside attraction." "Good point." "Falls." "Oh, fuck the Falls." "I just went back to the Falls for the first time." "I have not been to fucking Niagara Falls since I was five years old and my parents took us on a road trip and shit." "We drove up to the Falls because my parents had honeymooned there and shit." "So I guess they wanted to go back." "My old man wanted to get another crack at her up at the Falls." "So I was five years old and we went to the fucking Falls." "Me, and my brother, my sister, my parents and shit." "And took those fake photographs." "This is when it was all about the barrels and shit." "So you stood in a fake barrel with the fake Falls behind you and acted like you were going over." "As if anyone would be hanging outside a barrel to go down the Falls." "And you couldn't see the stairs under my feet and shit." "But the one thing they did do was like take us up in a fucking helicopter, you know?" "They sent-- it was my mom, I guess." "No, my dad." "My dad was the one that was like, let the kids go up in the helicopter." "My mom was like, no, no, no." "My dad was like, no, they'll be fine." "My old man was like, if the kids die," "I get another crack at her alone." "Because we were all crammed in the same room and shit." "So either that or my old man was like, while they're up in the elevator-- in the helicopter and shit," "I'm going to go tag her in the bathroom, which I would like to think of my friends as being those people, who are just like, are the kids up there?" "All right, fucking do it quick." "Which I don't" " I don't think is disrespectful." "Like, my old man died last year and I miss him like mad." "My mother misses him way, way fucking more." "But the older you get in life, the more you realize your parents are as full of shit as anybody else." "They're just like you." "They probably did the same shit you do and shit like that." "So I like to think of my parents not so much as, you know, ah, gods up on fucking pillars, as two people who were trying to fucking it get it on in a bathroom in a public restroom." "Like that kind of thing, where old man's like, you get on the other side of this wall and fucking glory hole me, woman." "You know?" "It's true, though." "Whenever-- whenever-- I do miss my father." "But whenever I miss him, I just think of him in very human terms and shit." "Because when you miss the dead, you tend to really like, you know, think of all these wonderful things that they did." "And they had no flaws and shit like that." "And I tend to-- to combat the emotions or the tears," "I tend to try to humanize my father as much as possible." "And just think about my old man being like, trying to wake my mother up in the middle of night, rubbing it on her asshole." "And then my mother being like, you're crazy." "Not now." "And then my old man being like, all right, just watch while I jerk off then." "And then I just kind of get silly." "I giggle." "Like, yeah, that was probably my father." "Because you never get to know that aspect of your parents, right?" "Particularly when they kind of go away early." "Because I'd always ask my dad, I was like, what were your dreams and shit like that?" "And my old man was too cool for school." "He was just like, are you asking me this because you want to rub it in that I never achieved them?" "And that you're living the fucking dream and I'm stuck here with her?" "My father was-- like I love him to death and he took me to movies." "I have a career in film because my old man would take me to movies, show me to movies, and shit like that." "My old man took me to see, like "The World According to Garp"" "when I was so not age appropriate." "Like, it was the kind of movie that like, you know, I should have been like, this fucking blows." "Why isn't he saying nanu nanu, you know?" "Because it's Mork." "Um, but he-- he kind of-- he just want-- he took me to see movies that he wanted to see, which really led to me having an appreciation for film beyond the simple fucking "Raiders of the Lost Ark"" "and "Superman" shit." "So I do miss him quite a bit." "But I find it always helps to just think of him as this fucking dude that I might have hung out with, you know, had I been a little younger or something like that." "And talked about like, did you get it last night?" "He's like, oh, shit, dude." "Fucking all over her back." "Or just like my old man trying, like talk my mom into a fucking three-way with a hooker." "Or maybe not a hooker." "Like, you know, one of my fucking aunts." "Like-- not a blood aunt, but like one of those women that you call aunt." "But she just-- they know-- the friends of your parents." "And like, you know, Uncle Jay to Harley." "Like, not really your uncle, but we call him Uncle Jay and shit." "But just my old man being like, why don't you, me, and fucking" "Judy get it on, Grace?" "And grace being like, you are so fucking high, Don." "And my father going to work every night at the fucking post office, a soul-killing fucking job, just sitting there processing mail." "He was a guy that canceled stamps, right?" "Whenever you got your mail and the stamp was canceled, that was my old fucking man." "And he hated fucking doing it." "And the only thing that kept him alive night after night was like, I'm going to get those two together." "Oh, sweet Jesus." "I'm going to get them together." "And it's going to make up for this shit, I'll tell you what." "Then I'm going to take Kevin to see a matinee." "Are we done, sir?" "Right on." "Thanks." "Good on you with the Chuck Norris." "I'm not going to let my mom see this." "Yes." "So, uh, who's the biggest dick in Hollywood?" "You." "Me." "Um, I don't know, sir I don't know." "Who is the biggest dick I ever met?" "Yeah." "That we would know." "I guess he's up there." "Eisner?" "I mean, I never really had dealings with him." "Chuck Norris, I mean" " I don't know." "Tim Burton?" "Affleck?" "No, no." "Not really." "Chewbacca." "Who?" "Chewbacca." "Who?" "The black guy." "The black guy?" "Chewbacca!" "The black guy, eh." "You know the one." "He's black." "Fiorentino." "J Lo." "No." "No." "I can't-- honestly, there's the biggest dick I ever met." "Matt Damon." "Matt Damon is so not a dick." "He's a good guy." "I don't know." "Honestly, like you know, there are people" "I've talked about and shit." " Doherty." " Doherty is not a dick." "She's actually all right." "Russell Crowe." "Who?" "Russell Crowe I never met." "Maybe, though." "Apparently everybody has an idea except me." "You really should have directed it to them." "Yeah, I guess so." "But I don't know." "I mean, there are people I've worked with that I haven't liked." "And I've, of course, talked about them at great lengths." "But I guess since that DVD, I haven't really met anybody that-- that I haven't really liked." "Although, there are people that I haven't like that I use to like and now I'm just like, woo, what a dick." "Such as?" "Mel Gibson." "What happened?" "What happened to Riggs?" "Martin Riggs went-- really went crazy." "Like fucking nuts." "To the point where he's just like, I'm not about stem cells." "I don't believe in chewing up little babies and feeding them to people." "Like, what?" "Like, Gibson-- you know, he makes the fucking" ""Passion," which whatever." "But, um, apparently during the "Passion" shit, like announced that his old man is like a-- a Holocaust denier." "Which is like, what?" "Your old man is one of those people that's just like, it wasn't 6 million." "Maybe 2." "And I even doubt that." "It was probably their own fucking fault." "Strange shit like that." "And they belong to this real weird sect of Catholicism where they just don't recognize any pope post-Vatican II." "Like, they like it when the priest was turned around facing the other way." "Because back in the old-- pre-Vatican II, the church-- mass used to be in Latin." "And the priest would face away." "So he was always doing this shit." "And you'd be in the audience going, what's going on?" "Oh, he's making Jesus." "Like a cooking show, but from the back." "But then he, you know, went and made the fucking" ""The Passion," which to me was like, why bother?" "Why would you bother making another movie about Jesus after "The Last Temptation of Christ?"" "Because "Last Temptation of Christ" to me was the ultimate be-all, end-all Jesus movie, right?" "Took Jesus, made him more interesting than he had ever been in the Bible." "Because in the Bible, it's all beatitudes and miracles and shit like that." "And then-- and then he dies and he's the sacrificial lamb." "And he always has something nice to say or the right thing to say at the right time and shit." "But "Last Temptation of Christ" made him a total pimp." "Because he was just like, I don't know if I want to be God." "And then he goes out to the desert and he comes back and he's like, I used to believe in love." "Now I believe in this." "And it's a fucking axe." "And you're like, get 'em, Jesus." "Cut them down." "Break the chain of evil." "Oh, Jesus is here." "Shit's on." "Kick his ass." "Kick his ass." "And then, the-- the fucking "Passion" movie, they take-- they took the man's balls away." "Suddenly he was back to like, you know, blessed are the cheese makers and shit like that." "And then take it one step further and they're like, let's beat the fuck out of Jesus." "And they beat him up and shit." "And just, I don't know." "I fucking took a lot of shit for making a movie about religion that had a fucking rubber poop monster in it." "And they made a movie where it was just like, is this Jesus?" "You fucking, fucking, fucking faggot." "And you know?" "Like, total hate crime Jesus." "Beat the shit out of him because he was a man of peace and shit." "We want war!" "And people went in droves." "They fucking paid." "They paid to go watch it and shit." "I was in, uh-- where was I?" "I was in Texas the day that it opened." "And there was a multiplex that like had fucking 12, 24 screens, something like that." "Religious group came in, bought every fucking screen and showed "The Passion" on all those screens." "Busloads of fucking Jesus-loving Christians coming in with kids." "Getting off the bus with little fucking kids who are just like, we can't wait to see Jesus get beat up." "And I was taught to love Jesus, not fucking beat him up." "So that movie, I was just so-- so not down with." "And it just-- it didn't deviate, right?" "It was just like-- that's why I didn't feel the need to see it." "Because like fuck it, I read the book." "I know what's going to happen." "It's like going in to "Titanic" and shit." "The whole time I was just like, the boat fucking sinks." "Like, we all know this." "There is no chance that the boat won't sink." "At least you go in and see fucking like, any-- any-- of course, evil usually gets triumphed by good and shit like that." "But you go-- every once in a while, they throw you a curve ball. "Empire" "Strikes Back" ends miserably." "Everybody's like, oh, Jesus." "Everything went wrong." "And fucking he's gone." "And this dude got his hand cut off." "And she's fucking-- she liked the dude, but he was like, I know." "And that was it." "And fucking nobody got what they wanted." "And Vader was just like, I'll be back, you know?" "And then the next movie, everybody wins." "So-- but, you know, you have no idea that was coming." "But with the fucking Jesus movie, like "Titanic," you know what's going to happen." "Jesus is going to hit the iceberg." "No two ways about it." "Any move with Jesus in it is going to end like this." "So I was just like, fuck it." "I don't want to go and see that." "Like, you want to show me a movie about Christ." "Show me a movie about Christ's life, or Christ walking around going like, you, get up, Zippy." "Right on." "You, here's some fish." "Where's the loaves?" "Coming at you." "You know?" "Not the movie where it's just like pfft, pfft, pfft, oh, fuck." "You know?" "Not again." "If it were me, I would have deviated from the text." "I would have done something a little bit fucking differently." "Because fuck it, you know?" "You know everyone's going anyway." "Because they're all Christians, right?" "What else they got to do?" "It's that or watch "Touched by an Angel."" "So they're all going, so they're expecting the fucking same old, same old and shit like that." "Just give them a little something different." "Spin it a little bit." "I would have" " I would have set the movie up a little bit differently." "I wouldn't have gone like he did where we go through the passion of Christ and it ends with him fucking dying." "I say, fuck it." "Let him die right at the top." "Right away." "Curtain comes up and shit." "The passion of fucking Christ as told by Smitty." "And, um-- and right away, it's just-- and he's getting nailed up and shit like that." "And everyone's like, ah." "Die, King of the Jews." "And he's just like, oh, man." "Fucking." "At least." "At least we're going to fucking do it." "At least I'm going to save these fucking people and shit like that." "Five minutes, right away." "So the whole time people in the audience going, well, I guess maybe they're going to tell it in fucking flashback form." "Like, maybe you're going to start at the end and work backwards." "But no, we don't do that." "Because just as he's out there and he's about to die and pass into his fucking Heavenly kingdom, the glory of God, two ninjas swing in." "Two fucking ninjas swing in wielding uzis." "Just spraying centurions." "And they're like, good God." "Ninjas with uzis." "This is the most anachronistic movie ever made." "And bang, hitting the ground and one fucking ninja scurries up the cross, pulls out the claw hammer, pulls the nails out, and puts Jesus over his shoulder." "And he's like, I'm supposed to die." "And he's like, not on my watch." "Then you've got interesting places to go." "Because you can go anywhere with that movie." "If I'm sitting there and that happened, I'd be like," "I am fucking in." "And they get him to a safe distance and shit." "And he's like, who are you?" "And they pull of the masks." "Jay and Silent Bob." "And that's it." "They only have a cameo." "And then they're like-- uh, Silent Bob says something." "Pulls a quote from "Star Wars."" "And they pimp away." "And Christ is left to live a normal life and shit." "And he's like, I think I'm going to become a fucking accountant." "I like numbers, you know?" "I was real good with the moles and the fishes." "Fuck it, I like numbers." "Multiplication is my bag." "And then he's just like, fuck Christianity." "I'm a satanist now." "And he starts holding black masses when he's not doing math." "Like you would fuck with a billion Christians heads." "They'd be like, is this in the fucking book?" "Religion just came to life." "You'd see a lot more kids get into it." "They're like Jesus is into Satan?" "Yes!" "I am down with G-O-D." "That don't fucking happen like that." "So I didn't go see that fucking movie." "Fuck it." "Me neither." "What was your question?" "Uh, the biggest dick in Hollywood." "Biggest dicks in Hollywood?" "Yeah." "Uh" "Jesus." "Jesus." "Jesus fucking figures out-- all right, you ever see that movie," ""Race with the Devil?"" "Definitely not." ""Race with the Devil" is this old movie from the '70s with" "Warren Oates in it, right?" "And it's him, Warren Oates, Loretta Swit, and two other actors." "Who was the other one?" "Peter Fonda is the other one." "I forget who the other broad was." "And they're in a Winnebago and they're driving around and shit-- the country and shit." "Because this is-- you know, that's what you did in the '70s." "And they come to a campground and shit like that." "They're camping out." "And then they hear some music in the fucking distance at night." "And they go out and look." "And they go through the bushes and shit." "And there is a satanic ritual going on." "There's a little cult that's sacrificing a virgin and shit." "And they see it." "And they go, ah." "And then the satanists turn around." "They're like, wha?" "And they fucking spend the rest of the movie chasing this Winnebago." "Put Jesus in that movie as the guy who drives the Winnebago." "You know, there's some metaphor you could mix in there." "Christ is always leading us away from" "And at the end of the movie, to get away from the satanists, they all hide behind a rock." "We good?" " We're good." " Thank you, sir." "Thanks." "What would you do for a flying car?" "Lord?" "What would I do for a flying car?" "Fucking, uh, I would suck two dicks, sir." "Even if they were like, you just got to suck one." "I'd be like, that's worth two to me." "You can have a fucking sword fight in my mouth for the flying car." "Oh, like you wouldn't do it?" "You're all liars." "Suck three dicks for the flying car." "Three at once." "Take it up the chute." "Fucking turn me." "Fuck you, I'm honest." "Turn me into a fucking pincushion you give me a flying car." "Fuck you, straight people." "OK, I don't know what the fuck to say to follow that." "You should be saying, sir, I have a flying car." "And it's going to cost you." "No, so my serious question was, there's a little news article circulating the internet a few-- about a week ago." "I know it's not true, but it was about Ben Affleck saying that he's pissed off at you about you making him, like appearance he doesn't want to make." "And I know it's not true." "You've debunked it on your website." "I was just wondering, maybe you could explain the story for us." "Clarify?" "Yes." "Yeah." "So he, in an interview, he fuck-- somebody's like, hey, Kevin was mad you didn't go to the-- we had an opening of the "Jay and Silent Bob Secret" "Stash"in Westwood, where we did a signing of the"Clerks 10" DVD and the "Jersey Girl" DVD, which came out that same day." "And I was like, dude, you want to come down for the signing?" "Knowing in a million years he never would because Affleck doesn't do that kind of shit because he's too busy fucking his career up." "And, um" "Um, so-- so he was like, no, dude." "You know, I'm not going to do that." "I said, that's totally fucking cool." "And somebody, when they interviewed him on the "Surviving Christmas" junket was just like," "Kevin was really mad that you didn't go to that signing." "Which I totally wasn't." "He knew I wasn't, but whatever." "But he was like, fuck, Kevin and his fucking store." "And fucking putting himself on all the merchandise." "Blah, blah, blah." "The same fucking routine he always does." "The same, you fucking sell shit with your face on it, you QVC whore." "Go-to joke that he uses all the time." "And somebody-- it was in the-- somebody put it, you know-- did a transcript of the interview on Dark Horizons." "And then this woman named Jeannette Walls, who runs a column called "The Scoop" on MSNBC." "She's a gossip whore." "Um, I'm sorry, columnist." "Took-- took a piece of the transcript." "You know, not kind of saying-- not putting it in context whatsoever." "And said like, Affleck's gone nuts." "And now he's just lashing out at his friends and shit like that." "He called you gay." "What?" "Ben Affleck called you gay." "Called me gay?" "Did he in that piece?" "He called me gay?" "Oh, he wrote-- he signed it on the book?" "I know." "He stole my move." "I used to-- every time somebody gives me a "Dogma" book or a cover-- a cover to the video," "I always write "so gay" with an arrow pointing at him." "And now he's fucking like, dude, if I get them first," "I'm doing it." "I'm-- so then you got nowhere to go." "So he writes "so gay" with an arrow pointing to me." "And then I write "not really."" "But "really gay" with an arrow pointing at him." "Or, I don't even write "gay" anymore." "I just write "Gigli" with an arrow pointing to him." "So anyway, Jeannette Walls ran it as like an item going like, these two are at fucking war." "Affleck has gone out of his fucking mind." "He's attacking his friends and shit." "But it was so not the case." "And it's such a shame that I had to fucking explain it at all and shit." "But, uh" "Not to you, just that I had to explain it on the website." "But, uh, I talked to him after that." "I was like, dude, did you see what Jeannette Walls did?" "He was just like, dude, you knew I was kidding." "I was like, dude, I fucking know you're kidding." "But it's been exerted places and people are trying to run it as a real item and shit like that." "So I just want you to know that from now on I'm going say like, I'm sorry." "I couldn't read it because I was too busy dodging a falling star." "And he was like, oh, you fucking bitch." "You just-- now I mean it all." "But yeah, it was just kind of a joke that got taken out of context." "But that-- proving once again that they will find anything to write about that dude." "Like he's that fascinating." "Like, I love Ben." "I think he's really funny and shit." "Not-- not that interesting." "Not interesting enough to warrant an item every week in "Us Weekly," which has really become "Ben Weekly."" "Which I actually kind of like." "But-- but god, everything they'll fucking write about." "There is one piece where they were like, he wears a wig." "He was getting into a fucking game of grab-ass at a bar with Vince Vaughn and Vince Vaughn ripped his wig off." "And we were shooting "Jersey Girl" at the time." "And I fucking went into him." "And I was like, dude, dud you read this?" "And he was like, grab-ass?" "Vince Vaughn?" "I haven't seen Vince Vaughn in two years." "I'm like, keep reading." "A fucking wig!" "I was like, yes, sir." "Yes." "They saw you have a wig." "He's like fucking-- it's not a wig, dude." "Pull my hair." "I was like, I'll take your word for it, sir." "Um, but yeah." "They'll just fucking write shit about a bitch, man." "My heart goes out to him because he's had a bad fucking year with people just going like, let's fucking beat up on him and shit." "But it just means that his comeback will be that much sweeter." "And God willing, it'll be in a film that I do." "Because then that motherfucker will owe me so big." "So big." "And then I'll be like, you show up at a fucking signing, bitch." "We good?" "Yeah, fuck the media." "Yeah, thanks." "Yeah, fuck the media." "Yes." "Fuck the media." "Yeah, fuck them hard, sir." "Fucking media." "Fuck them hard until I need them to promote a movie." "Then, love them." "What?" "Bring the wife up." "Bring the wife up?" "Yeah." "Is she-- is she back there?" "Is the wife back there?" "Well, come on up, hun." "Come on up." "Get her this microphone, would you?" "Yes." "Yes." "Because we have to ask you a question." "She's got sweet titties." "She does, sir." "She does." "And you just ensured yourself that you'll never get to fuck her." "Because I don't know what you heard, but chicks don't really respond to that kind of attention." "You got sweet titties." "You'll be throttling your cock for a lifetime with moves like that, sir." "Chicks like a more subtle approach than that, just for future reference." "She got the mic?" "You got the mic?" "She don't want to-- she don't want to answer, sir." "I'm too shy." "Just answer this question." "One question." "Jay's going to answer them for me." "Just answer one question." "I took off my gear." "How much of the shit I say-- what'd I say?" "What'd I say?" "How much of the shit I say is true?" "She said none of it." "Answer this question." "Is your hand in Mewes' lap?" "No, sir." "No, no." "He got up to look and shit." "He's like" "Third question, do you indeed have sweet titties?" "I do, indeed." "I mean, she does, indeed." "She said." "She says." "Indeed, she does." "She says." "What was the-- wait, wait, wait." "What was the answer to the sweet titties question?" "I didn't get it." "Yeah." "She said she-- yeah." "She does." "Yes." "The better answer to that is not as sweet as yours, man boobs." "I'm not as quick as you are." "I always got to be writing for folks." "Let's get to your question though, sir." "OK." "My name's Dan." "And it's half for you and half for Mewes." "I was wondering, uh, how much you had to pay Shannon Elizabeth to make out with Mewes on-screen?" "Oh, sir." "Come on." "He's asking him how much he paid." "Just back up and stand under a light, sir." "So we can see you." "You're like fucking Batman." "Batman?" "You're out of the light, sir." "Sir, really?" "Really in the light." "Come into the light, sir." "Sir." "We're almost done." "Come up on stage, sir." "But he asked you the question." "Ask the question again." "How much did-- how much did you guys have to pay Shannon?" "It was a lot of money until she saw this." "Not there." "And the wife-- Nana's there and Jen." "But sir, come back." "Come on." "What, were you going to show him?" "Ask Kevin." "How much was it?" "How much she get paid?" "I'd like to know, too." "Not a lot." "Not a lot." "See, almost free, sir." "She got paid." "She got paid to be in the movie, sir." "But the kissing was for free." "And, uh, how many practice takes did you get with her?" "He made sure a lot." "I was like, make sure I'm going to" "That's how I made $200." "But it's really not-- it's not really that-- it's not the same as if-- you know, like if I found someone here and brought her in the back." "Because it's like actually like" "Which is as big a hint as I like Tim Hortons." "What?" "Tim Hortons?" "Hint." "A hint of?" "Because you're like, it's not the same as if I found someone" "If I get to fuck somewhere here tonight?" "There it is." "I saw a girl go woo." "Are you raising your hand?" "Wait, wait." "What are we doing?" "She raised-- come up to the mic, ma'am." "What was the, uh-- he mentioned having sex." "And then you were like, woo." "What is that all about?" "What was that all about, eh?" "He's fucking hot." "He's the hottest piece of ass I've ever seen." "So we're going to fuck, you're saying?" "What now, sir?" "He want" "Throw some half-half-whole up in that piece?" "Wait, wait, wait." "Now, show them what half-half-whole is, sir." "Show them what half-half-whole is." "You saw it." "Show them." "Do half-half" "No, I'm not doing it." "You have to do it." "I'm not doing it." "Show them." "It's your signature move, sir." "Let the people know what half-half-whole is." "I don't want to do it." " Just a little taste." " I'm on the spot." "I can't do it." "You just did it." "Just" "I can't do it." "I'll do the voice, you do the move." "Ready?" "All right." "Here it is." "Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Mewes, half-half-whole." "Sex with Jason Mewes, ready?" "Half-half-whole." "You got to give the swivel hip." "Half-half-whole swivel." "There's more." "There's more." "Wait." "Oh, he's not done yet, ma'am." "Because after the half-half-whole comes this-- this slight moderation." "Ready?" "Half-half-whole." "Swivel." "Is there more?" "One more." "What is it?" "You'll see." "Ready?" "You know it." "You know it." " I'm just going to follow you?" "Follow me." "Here we go." "I don't know what we're doing, though." "You'll follow." "You'll hear it." "All right." "Half-half-whole." "Swivel." "Hide behind a rock." "She loves Kevin Smith, really." "That's Kevin Smith." "He's brilliant." "Ladies and gentleman, Kevin Smith." "That was, uh-- that was a really-- that was a sweet reaction." "That almost-- almost makes up for the fact that, you know," "Charles is going to marry Camilla." "Almost." "This is a very intimate room." "When I heard "theater," I was like, right on." "Theater." "But this is kind of like, uh, Affleck's living room." "Except not as many whores, I don't think." "Um, we have a few, uh, members of the British press in attendance tonight as well." "So, uh, if you see people writing shit down, punch them in the face." "Not really." "Punch them in the nuts." "Uh, British press, I've had, you know, a decent relationship with." "I haven't really gotten beaten the shit out of like some people." "But last time I was here, I got into a bit of a row as they say, with some fucking chavs in the British press." "That's the thing, though." "They weren't even chavs." "If they were chavs, I could have got along with them." "But they were just three fucking cunts." "And I don't say that in the charming British way, like, oh, you fucking cunt." "I say it in the hardcore American, like you dirty, fucking cunt." "These three broads, they call themselves The 3 a.m. Girls." "They write for "The Mirror," is that it?" "So you've heard of them." "We were coming over and, uh, to do a "Jersey Girl" premier." "And of course, Affleck at the last minute-- well, not of course." "We all expected he was going, but suddenly came down bronchitis." "Hence, his new nickname Bronchifer." "And, um-- and had to bow out." "So it was me and the little girl, Raquel Castro, who's in the movie, who wound up doing all the press, which was, you know, weird." "Because nobody knows her." "And what do you ask an eight-year-old anyway?" "Like, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Because the kid's like, fuck you." "I'm it." "I'm acting." "Um, and then me who wasn't really in the movie." "Basically, I was the guy who was just making excuses for the movie apparently, most of the time." "So it was-- it was kind of a lackluster premier." "And it was heralded in the 3 a.m. girls column by, um-- you know, I never forget anything." "So I bring shit." "I, uh" " I have an elephantine-like memory." "And ass." "And, um-- so this is-- this is what they said initially." ""Surprise, surprise." "Ben Affleck has pulled out of the UK premiere of movie turkey-- mm-- "Jersey Girl" in which he starred alongside ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez." "The star was due to attend tonight's screening with director Kevin Smith and young actress Raquel Castro, but the 31-year-old is staying away because he has-- ahem-- bronchitis."" "The "ahem" is just like-- just dig it in." "You know?" "So anyway, this is the part that really stood out to me." "It's a quote. "It's a shame Ben has pulled out because it's obvious this film needs all the publicity it can get, says an insider."" "Now A, we didn't want publicity on the movie." "We had too much of it." "Sadly, all bad." "But the thing that really bugged me, who the fuck is the insider?" "Like a British insider?" "Like, who was it?" "Because there weren't-- as far as I knew, there were no" "Brits in the cast or the crew." "And I checked." "Because I said "cunt" an awful lot." "If you say it here, people are like, right on, mate." "You know?" "You say it back home." "They're like, oh." "Cunt?" "Ugh." "As if people don't like it." "As if we were in Toronto." "Um." "So, uh, the quoter-- the insider-- went on to say," ""It's unusual for none of the big stars to put in an appearance." "And it says a lot about what they think of the movie."" "Which is like, what?" "So who is this fucking random person?" "And why do they have so much to say?" "And why-- was their finger really on the pulse and shit?" "Like, they know so much about Hollywood?" "So we're at the premiere that night and this chick, Carol Ann Hedley, who was one of the-- the 3 a.m. girls." "Hedley-- you know, right there." "Most people are named, you know, back in the day for what they did." "Like I'm Smith." "Presumably somewhere in my line, I had a blacksmith." "Hedley?" "That says cocksucker to me." "So-- so I meet Carol Ann Hedley." "And of course, I fucking remember her name and her atrocious-looking face from the-- from the byline." "Uh, so I say, hey, what's up?" "Who's the insider?" "And why are you trashing the movie without giving it a shot?" "Why do you have to write like that?" "Why does it always have to be negative?" "Can't it be positive and shit?" "Little girl's here, first time in England." "You know, she's in the movie." "And-- well, why?" "Why go-- and she's like, you know what?" "You're right." "You're turning me around here." "And I was like, I am?" "I said, right on." "And so I started giving her a pretty decent interview." "Then she wrote this." ""It's obvious to everyone else that Ben" "Affleck" " Ben Affleck and J Lo do not a good movie make." "But at least the director of their latest flick has the grace to admit as much."" "Um-- "The pair dubbed "Bennifer" made" ""Jersey Girl" before their rather acrimonious split earlier this year."" "Now, this is my quote." "This is the guy saying-- this is the director having the grace to admit as much." ""I think from now on I'm going to have a no couples rule in my movie, he said."" "That's me." ""The negative vibe surrounding them has definitely taken away some of the business we could have done." "Is that really me admitting to anything?" "Or going like, I'm so fucking sorry?" "This is the worst thing that's happened to humanity since the Holocaust." "And I don't know what I was thinking." "Please, mea culpa." "Mea culpa." "No, not at all." "But this is the really weird thing." "She refers to me as the movie's "fat, bearded, Hobbit lookalike director Kevin Smith."" "Now, I'll take fat and bearded." "And you could throw in sweaty." "But Hobbit like?" "Like, if I'm a Hobbit, this bitch is an orc." "But the thing that really bitch-- bitched me out the most." "The thing that I really couldn't stand was the insider thing, because it's just so vague, right?" "Anybody-- you could just make shit up and be like, insider told the." "Total insider." "And I think in this case, it meant some dude was fucking inside her." "But two can play at that game." "Because I did some investigating of my own." "And insiders tell me vis-a-vis regarding the 3 a.m. girls that for a euro-- not a pound mind you-- a fucking euro, you could take any one of the 3 a.m. girls and brick in her fucking mouth." "Now, mind you, I don't know if that's true." "It's just what some insiders told me." "Seemed credible." "But these British press people aren't anything like that." "So don't punch them in the fucking face." "I changed my mind in the middle of that story." "Um, all right." "So enough about fucking me." "Let's-- let's go over to you guys, and then come back to me." "So who's got the mic first?" "This side of the room." "You got it?" "You got the mic?" "Yeah, it's a real hand raising affair." "And don't-- you know." "Jut right the fuck." "Be American about it." "Like, hey, I demand things." "It is my right." "According to our Constitution that we piss all over." "First question of the night, sir." "Set the tone." "OK." "First of all, on behalf of everyone here, thanks a lot for coming over to England." "It's great to have you here." " Thank you." "Very grateful- -to be here." "Thank you." "Thank you." "My question is regarding your fictional cartoon characters," "Bluntman and Chronic." "Yes." "Is there a chance that we might see a Bluntman and Chronic movie at some point?" "And also, if you don't make one, is there a particular Marvel or DC comic character that you'd like to make a movie about?" "Seeing as you've already starred in "Daredevil."" "So basically in England, there's a 46-part question." "It's never as simple as like, who would you fuck?" "I'm like, well, um." "Let's take it piece by piece." "I've to wait for you to get all the way back around the room, so I've got to get it all in at one point." "Right." "Right." "Cram it all in there and shit." "Exactly." "I understand." "I grew up fat." "What can you do?" "So I always understand the feeling of like, this might be my last meal." "You feel my pain." "You feel my pain." "Thank you." "You got it?" "Really?" "All right, let me see your gut." "You don't look that fat." "You're sitting next to a chick." "Do you know him?" "No?" "You will by the end of the night." "I'm going to romance you two." "For each other." "Oh, you're with him?" "Fuck that guy." "Um, why him?" "He seems rather fit." "Go for the heavy guy." "Heavy guys are awesome lovers." "Once you get past the grotesque swinging gut." "Heavy guys try harder because they got a lot to make up for." "And they're so fucking slobbering-- slobberingly grateful, for even the tiniest piece of pussy they're thrown." "You will be eaten out like you've never been eaten out before." "You'll be eaten out like a man coming off a desert island digging into a chicken." "I mean, you do have the skills to back this up, right?" "I would hate to go this distance and have you be like," "I'm sorry, I like cock." "So Bluntman and Chronic." "Are we ever going to make a Bluntman and Chronic movie?" "Came close." "And that's what eventually became "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back."" "Like I had initially thought, hey, maybe a whole movie about Bluntman and Chronic." "Um, and I forget who I ran it passed." "I think I ran it passed Mewes and was like, what about us as superheroes the whole movie?" "He was like, you really want to do that?" "I was like, wouldn't it be cool?" "We could do like a fake comic book movie." "He's like, you going to wear tights?" "I was like, you're right." "Maybe just a scene because we don't need that." "So no, probably no Bluntman and Chronic feature." "Um, maybe in the comic book form." "Maybe I'll get around doing another Bluntman and Chronic comic." "But I can't see myself doing a whole-- a whole feature about it." "And what about the, uh, sort of X-Men type character angle." "Would you ever think about doing like a Batman or a Superman type movie?" "Or a Fantastic Four?" "Do like a big comic book movie?" "Yeah." "At one point, I was attached-- and still am, kind of, to the Green Hornet." "I was going to-- you know, I was doing Superman at one point, a long time ago." "But, um-- and we won't talk about that anymore." "But, uh, I was attached to do Green Hornet up till recently, when I decided to not direct it." "I wrote it." "You know, I turned in a first draft." "Turned in a second draft." "But I don't want to direct it." "Because for me, I just don't have the patience to do a movie like that." "Like when it was offered to me, Harvey Weinstein, the chairman of Miramax, is like, you want to do the Green Hornet movie?" "And I was like, you want to give me a comic book movie?" "You want to give me a comic book movie?" "I comic books." "He's like, that's why I asked you." "So I would fucking love to do it." "It was one of those things that you're so happy to get, that you don't think about it until, you know, the smoke is fucking cleared." "And it's announced and shit like that, that you have no interest in doing it whatsoever." "Like, I love watching comic book movies." "But making one, fucking boring." "Like the few times I've actually had to shoot an action sequence in some-- what passed for an action sequence in some of the flicks we've done, it's always so tedious and fucking slow." "And it's just like, you grab this little piece here." "And you shoot that fucking until it's right." "And then you grab this little piece here." "It's a series of cuts." "Whereas, when you're shooting dialog, it's just people sitting there shooting the shit." "And they're saying the dialog you wrote." "And I'm kind of in love with my own shit, so it's just fun." "I'm like, that's great." "Let's do it again." "Like, it wasn't good enough?" "I'm like, it was great." "I just want to hear it again." "Action sequences take like a day to shoot." "And then at the end of the day, when you cut them together, it's like maybe 10 seconds of screen time." "So that kind of shit's boring to me." "Also, I just don't have it in me to be a real, like visual, visceral director." "Like, I'm not the guy" "My version of the Green Hornet would be like the Green Hornet and Kato leaning against the Black Beauty, the amazing super-car that can do anything, and talking about, you know, pussy." "I mean, it's that simple." "And then Kato would just be like, hey, is that a crime happening over there?" "Pointing off-camera." "And we wouldn't even pan to it." "And Green Hornet would be like, yeah, you're right." "We should do something about it." "Let's roll, Kato." "And then they step out of the frame and we hold on the car." "And we just hear shit-- ass kicking." "And then the two come back and they're just like-- so where was I?" "Oh, totally, dude." "Anal sex has nothing to do-- you know?" "And just go on from there." "And nobody wants-- wants to make that movie." "Like if I could get away with that-- making that version of the movie, like the least visually interesting comic book movie of all time, that's essentially like one of my chick-- one of my flicks, but just putting motherfuckers" "in masks, I'd do it." "But nobody will finance that." "And the thing is once you take a budget, like budget of Green Hornet's going to be like $50, $70, $80 million." "Once you take a budget, you have to start listening to what other people have to say." "It's no longer your flick." "Like Green Hornet would never be my movie." "It would always be like this movie that was kind of noted to death because wisely, the people who invest the money in it, which would be Miramax, or whatever the new company" "Miramax becomes-- or Harvey and Bob become when they leave Miramax." "They would want to make back their investment." "You don't make your money back doing my version of the movie." "So essentially, they'd be like, oh, it's got to-- an action beat's got to happen every 10 pages." "You got to follow a formula." "Like, you'd hear a lot of like-- do it like Spiderman." "So I'm like, what?" "He should shoot fucking webs and act really stiffly?" "I was going to say, if you were to make it, would you put Affleck in the leading role?" "I would totally cast Affleck." "Totally, totally." "I would cast that dude in anything." "Anything whatsoever." "Yeah, Green Hornet." "I'd cast him as Green Hornet and Kato." "Just have him doing a really insulting Asian accent." "Do split screen." "Have him talk to himself." "Kato, do you like pussy?" "Oh, me love pussy." "Just where critics were like, we don't even know what to say." "He's fucking lost his mind." "Yeah, it's funny." "But he lost his mind, you know?" "So no, I'm not a-- you got to give movies like that to people like Bryan Singer." "Like, you know, I love-- he did "X-Men."" "He did "X-Men 2."" "And I love those movies." "He's going "Superman" now." "And I love fucking "X-Men 2."" "I thought that was an insanely well-made comic book movie and balanced a lot of story lines and shit like that." "And just-- it works so well because it's just one big gay parable." "Essentially, "X-Men" is about being gay, and how weird it is to live in a world surrounded by people who are like, ew, you're gay." "So it's totally entertaining." "But meanwhile most people don't view it like that." "Most people view it, you know, the way it's presented." "Where fucking, you know, Toad is getting the shit beat out of him by Cyclops, or some such shit." "Or, Wolverine is taking on fucking, um" " Colonel Striker's attacking-- team attacking, you know, the mansion." "But me, I'm sitting there going, this is all about being gay." "You know?" "And so you come out of the theater and little kids are like, I loved Wolverine." "Snip, snip, snip." "And you're like, come here." "Come here." "You like Wolverine, do you?" "Because if you like Wolverine, it's pretty much saying that you'd put a cock in your mouth." "Let me explain shit to you about what a gay parable this movie is." "And you drop science on, you know, a little 10-year-old for about 20 minutes." "And then by the end, you send him off into the world ready to eat cock." "Because that's what the "X-Men" movie is." "It's just preparing a whole next generation of kids to be like, yeah, it's all right to be gay." "I'm done with it." "Wolverine's gay." "That fat guy told me he is." "So I'm kind of hoping Bryan Singer takes, like "Superman"" "and just turns that into a gay parable as well." "Just make it all about how Superman is gay." "And Lois is like, oh, Superman." "He's like, whatever." "Hey, Jimmy." "I see you have a camera." "So I don't know." "Give it-- give it to those cats." "Those cats know how to make movies like that." "You know?" "I don't." "I don't know how to make movies like that." "I'm really not that interested." "Like as soon as the smoke cleared from-- from "Green" "Hornet" and the fallout of "Jersey Girl," I was just like, you know what?" "Fuck it." "I'd rather make a small movie." "I'd rather make something really cheap." "And that's eventually" "And then we were working on the "Clerks 10" DVD." "The 10th anniversary DVD." "And I was like, this is what I'd rather do." "And I'd rather go back and see what these dudes are about." "Because it's kind of like making the "Green Hornet,"" "just taking off the masks." "Well, my version of the "Green Hornet."" "But just taking off the masks." "So that's where I switched and I was just like, this is what I'd rather-- this is what I'm made to do." "Like, this is what I like to do, shit like this." "I love to watch comic book movies." "Just don't want to make them." "Too lazy." "Way too lazy." "Because they just require too much effort and shit like that." "I'm the" " I'm the guy who like, I don't even fuck on top, sir." "Like, I'm a bottom guy." "Because being on top takes too much energy." "Like, well, how I can direct a superhero movie if I won't even have-- give my wife the courtesy of climbing aboard?" "Where I'm just like, go." "Maybe you're looking to be the antihero in that?" "In my relationship with my wife?" "Like, I'm the villain and shit?" "I hadn't thought about it like that." "I guess so." "My idea of being Lex Luthor is like, no, you fuck me." "Don't you want to take over the world?" "No." "I just don't want to do the fucking." "Because I get sweaty, and then the gut swings." "Just you jump on board and tell me when you're done." "And then I'll wrap up and we'll watch some TV." "So no Bluntman and Chronic." "Thanks a lot." "Right on." "Upstairs." "Hello." "Hello." "Where are you?" "I'm actually up here." "You missed me." "Hello." "Um, one, I think you're great." "I love all your movies and your comics." "Thank you." "Comics." "Your comics." "So cute." "Comics." "I've never read one because I'm a girl." "That is not true." "You read comics?" "I've got loads of comics." "You're a comic-reading chick?" "Yes." " Right on." "Hardcore." "Got over 300." "You must be fucking swamped in a comic book store." "I used to work at Forbidden Planet, so I've got loads of access." " Did you really?" "You worked there?" "You know half those dudes came in, they didn't even give a shit about comics." "They were just like, she's got boobies." "Big ones, I know." "She's one of those, what do you call them?" "What do you call them, Gordon?" "Ladies." "Yes." "She's one of them ladies." "Hello, love." "My accent is-- my accent is not that bad." "It's not that bad?" "I got a comic book store." "I know what I'm talking about." "Same shit." "They just don't have the cute accent." "I'll come work in your shop then." "Oh, please do." "We'd triple business." "We'd tripled foot traffic." "I don't know if anybody would buy anything, unless you were like, who wants to buy this?" "I rubbed it on me bum." "Then you'd see motherfuckers trample one another to get a book that touched a lady's bum." "I hope you got a question." "My question is though, you listed "Shaun of the Dead?" "As one of your top 10 favorite films of last year." "I loved "Shaun of the Dead."" "Would you consider working with him?" "That's so easy, man." "You just come to fucking-- do the hometown favorites." "You're like, I love "Shaun of the Dead."" "They're like, woo." "So did we." "We're fucking British." "I love "The Office."" "Woo." "A smart one he is." "I don't like "The Office."" "You don't like "The Office?"" "No." "Get out." "Really, you don't like "The Office?"" "No." ""Office" is brilliant." "Wow." "Takes all sorts." "That job I offered you?" "Forget it." "It does take all sorts." "So anyway, your question was?" "Would you consider working with them?" "Would I consider working with the bunch that did, uh," ""Shaun of the Dead?"" "I mean, yeah." "If they were like, hey, you want to be in our movie?" "Try to ruin it like you ruin all yours." "I just can't imagine they would-- they don't need help, man." "Those dudes are doing great." "I never saw "Spaced," is that what it's called?" "Yeah." "Until I was flying over and watched an episode on the plane." "Fucking brilliant." "It's really, really cool." "So now I'm going to grab like" " I guess the first three seasons are out over here?" "There's only two out." "Only two out?" " Yeah." "We've been bugging them for the third season for quite a long time now." "When you say "we," who do you mean?" "The British public." "Me and my bloke." "We go to the network." "We're like, where's 3, eh?" "It's the first question that's always asked." "What is she talking about?" "Like, what's a Nubian." "When is season 3 coming out?" "Oh, for fuck sake." "They get that question a lot, do they?" "And then they're like, wait a second." "You're one of them ladies." "Yeah, so I like that." "I thought that was really funny and kind of very much in the-- looked and felt like "Shaun of the Dead."" "So now I want to see all that." "But I love those dudes." "But I don't think they need any help." "They seem to have their own crew going." "Call them." "Next time they work an event, I'll tell them to call you." "Right on." "I think I'm going to see them." "I think I'm doing the Empire Awards." "I'm getting an Empire Award." ""Empire" magazine has an awards thing they do every year." "And they're given me an award." "And I think those dudes are going to be there." "So I'm going to hit them up." "Be like, can I be in one of your movies?" "They're like, I think the fat "Clerks" guy wants to be in one of our shows." "No." "Thank you very much." "You J Lo lover." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Down here." "Yes, sir." "Uh, yeah." "A while ago, you, um-- you did the commentary, the director's cut commentary with Richard Kelly." "I did the "Donnie Darko" commentary, yes." "Just basically, I wanted to know, um, A, how that came about." "And B, there was a-- there was a kind of phrase that you said where you kind of said to Richard, now you've done "Donnie Darko."" "People will want you to remake this film, like over and over." "And you said that's basically how you felt with "Clerks."" "I was just going to ask, with hindsight, would you actually consider going back and maybe have done "Jersey Girl" earlier?" "Or maybe have done something without Jay and Bob?" "Well, I don't think now having done "Jersey Girl,"" "I don't think I'd ever make another movie without Jay and Silent Bob." "Because people are like, are they in it?" "No?" "Fuck it." "Fuck it." "So, uh-- but, um." "No, I don't think I'd ever do" " I'd ever done anything differently looking back." "I really kind of like the way the dominoes fell." "You know, and it sucked that "Jersey" "Girl" didn't do more business." "But like, whatever." "You know, it doesn't make me go and want to go back and catch the fucking DeLorean and jump back in time and nearly have sex with my mother." "For the record, I took my brother to see "Jersey Girl"" "and he said it was your "Annie Hall," which I think is a really big compliment." "And he said what?" "He said it was your "Annie Hall."" "My "Annie Hall."" "I thought it was like, it was your only hole." "Is that British slang for like, good job?" "It's your only hole, mate." "Your only fucking hole." "You fucking cunt." ""Annie Hall."" "He called it my "Annie Hall?"" "That's very sweet." "Tell him I said thank you." "I basically mumble because some fat guy told me that Wolverine was gay." "Right." "So you're gay?" "Not really." "No?" "A lot more options when you're gay." "Shit's opened up." "I was at a comic book show in, uh-- pun intended." "I was at a comic book show in San Francisco about two weeks ago, the WonderCon." "And at the same time, across the street they were having this big bear convention." "You know about the bear movement?" "Like where big dudes that look like me-- and if I may, like you-- who are kind of, you know, hairy and large are referred to in the gay community as bears." "And there apparently are a bunch of dudes who like dudes who look like us." "Those dudes are called cubs." "Or twinks." "But I like cubs." "That's cute." "So apparently, like these dudes make out-- like my friend" "Malcolm Ingram." "Big, big burly dude." "I don't know, you might have seen him in stuff." "He directed "Drawing Flies."" "And he's been around some of our stuff." "Great guy." "Big Canadian idiot." "But one day he was just like-- he called me up and he-- you know, never represented himself as being anything but into chicks." "And then one day he called me up." "He's like, yo, fuck." "Weirdest thing happened today." "I was like, what is it?" "He's like I went out with some dude." "We went to dinner." "And it turned out it was a fucking date." "And I was like, what?" "And he was just like, I just thought" "I was going out to dinner with the fucking dude." "It was the fucking date load." "All of a sudden, we were on a date." "He told me his was gay and we were on a date, eh." "And I was like, well, did you then accept the fact that you were on a date, or" "He's like, well, you know, he was paying." "So, um-- so that was Malcolm's." "Years later, I realized that was Malcolm's very charming way of saying, hey, I'm gay." "Without just saying, hey, I'm gay." "He acted like he got fucking hornswoggled into being gay, you know?" "Some dude bought me pizza and all of a sudden, I'm gay." "Go figure." "Well, I guess that's what I am, you know?" "So-- so Malcolm told me." "Malcolm's like, dude, fucking." "If you like guys, you'd be huge in the bear community." "Because you know, you fucking make movies and you're very sexy to cubs." "And I was like, what?" "He was like, truly." "And he's like, you want to see?" "Here's a picture of my boyfriend." "And Malcolm whipped out a picture of his boyfriend." "And this" " I would fuck this dude." "Like, this dude's real like Joe college cute and shit like that." "Like, real good-looking dude." "And the fact that he wants to fuck Malcolm is like" " I want to get the kid some therapy." "Some help." "Because I got no problem with him being gay." "But like, being gay and wanting to fuck Malcolm." "Like, you're like I'm choosing a life where I'm nothing but fucking ridiculed and people fucking getting on my ass." "And I can't fucking do what other people-- the straights fucking do without hearing it from the fucking church." "And I'm going to fuck the fat bearded guy, too." "You know?" "Like just make it a little bit harder on himself." "So Malcolm's like, I'm telling you, man." "This straight thing don't work out for you, you can totally fucking fuck a lot of guys." "And I was like, all right, man." "That's good to know." "Because it would really just kind of open up a world of options." "He's like, you go to a fucking bear bar." "You'd be Marilyn Monroe." "And that's when I started thinking about it." "Because I always kind of wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe." "But it didn't pan out for me." "So I'm like, essentially these dudes are kind of chubby chasers?" "He's like, yeah, you know." "You don't have to be mean about it." "I was like, well, I married a chubby chaser apparently." "He's like, well, but you know, she don't have a dick." "And that's when we moved onto another topic." "So yeah, bears, dude." "If you ever think about fucking-- you'd make out." "Apparently." "Yeah." "You like chicks though?" "Uh, yeah." "I haven't found one in about 10 years, though." "Time to try the guys." "What was your question though?" "I mean, basically the whole "Donnie Darko"" "thing was because you're-- apparently you're in "Southland Tales?"" "I'm in Richard's movie "Southland Tales."" "He cast me in it." "I don't know if I'm in it yet." "We haven't shot yet." "But it's just kind of the whole kind of, um, second movie thing." "I mean, if-- if you could go back in time, would you do "Mallrats" with Miramax rather than Universal?" "Yeah." "Basically, if I could-- if I could go back in time and narrowly avoid sleeping with my mother, like Marty McFly, um, I, uh" " I wouldn't have made the movie." "I wouldn't have made "Mallrats" with Universal." "I would have waited another year and then made it at Dimension." "Because at that point, Dimension existed as this kind of genre offshoot of Miramax, but they didn't do comedy." "They only did shit like "The Crow."" "So a year later, they started doing genre comedy as well." "So we could totally fit right in there, which is where we eventually wound up doing "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back."" "So that was about it." "I mean, that would be the only thing" "I would kind of about changing." "But you know, I don't really have any regrets regarding doing "Mallrats" at Universal." "I mean, I did on opening weekend when the movie did like no business." "But then the movie found its audience." "It was kind of this wonderful organic discovery of its audience and the audience discovered it." "And suddenly it felt like, oh, that's the way it was supposed to happen." "You know, I just wish somebody had told me when I had the fucking shotgun in my mouth the day after the movie opened, where I was just like, oh, it's over." "But I didn't have any bullets." "Um, so-- so I don't think I would have" " I don't think" "I would have changed that." ""Southland Tales" is a movie Richard Kelly is doing." "For those of you who don't know Richard Kelly, he's the guy who directed "Donnie Darko."" "And he was like, hey, you want to be in this flick?" "And I was like, uh, right on." "Because you know, he asked me to be in a movie." "I'm like, OK." "Because I'm kind of a whore for that thing." "That kind of shit." "So, um, I said, what do I do?" "And he was just like, you're a guy who-- you're kind of like a Harry Knowles kind of guy." "You run an internet, uh, site." "It's not really a movie." "It's called "Southland Tales."" "You traffic in Southland section of Los Angeles-- gossip." "Kind of like a drudge." "And I was like right on." "So you know, I read it." "Brilliant script." "I was like, oh, I'm totally in." "A month ago, he wrote me an email." "He's going, um, I'm doing a redraft of your character." "And you're still the guy who you are, but now you're an Iraqi War vet and you have no legs." "So I was like, like Lieutenant Dan?" "He said, kind of like that." "He's going also, I was wondering-- and I hope you don't take this too personally." "But I was wondering if-- do you think you could lose 50 pounds to do it?" "And I was like, if you chop off my legs, I will lose 50 pounds." "I said, other than that, unless you got like, you know, gastric bypass in your budget, that's really not going to happen, Richard." "He's like, right." "Right." "What about shaving your head?" "And I was like, no." "Shit's going thin already." "Like, I'm not going to speed the plow on that one." "Fuck it." "He's like, all right." "But you will pretend that you have no legs?" "I was like, yeah, that's easy." "He's like, right on." "Click." "Because he's just-- you know." "He's the most normal guy you'll sit there and talk to." "He's a dude from Virginia and shit." "Real straight-laced, good guy." "Talk movies and shit." "But like then you see "Donnie Darko"" "and you're like-- credits roll and you're like, what the fuck happened?" "What happened in that movie?" "And I ask him." "And he still can't fucking explain it." ""Southland Tales" you can understand." "Kind of like it makes sense." "But "Donnie Darko," still to this day is fucking mystifying." "But-- and I don't even think he knows what the fuck it means." "I think he just shot a bunch of shit, threw it in the air, taped it back together and said, here it is." "And people are like, it's brilliant." "Especially here." "They fucking loved it here." "You guys ate it up like fucking candy over here." "In the States people are like, pfft." "But here, they were like Darko." "Darko's our religion." "You know?" "Richard was very, very happy with the reception of the movie here." "I told him I was coming over here and he was like, they love my movie there, dude." "I was like, I'll be sure to drop your name." "He was like, but don't tell them the role I want you to play in "Southland Tales."" "I said, I won't." "We good?" "Thanks very much." "Thank you, sir." "Yes." "In "Jersey Girl," one of the funniest bits" "I found was, um, the who Will Smith storyline." "Yes." "I just wondered how you managed to, um, get him in the film." "Did you have to have a special contract where he was, um, contractually obligated not to do any of his raps?" "That's one very long question that just builds up to you fucking slamming Will Smith." "You don't even want to know anything." "You're just like, I'm going to ask a question and totally make fun of Will Smith." "The floor is mine." "I think he's great, but the raps a bit dodgy." "They're dodgy, are they?" "You don't go for like get jiggy with it?" "That's a shame." "I'll let him know." "You are a white girl, though." "I don't know if he really writes for you." "Um, how did we get him?" "It was basically-- there was a contract involved." "And it was a contract he had to sign that said, uh, this would be the lowest grossing movie he's ever been in." "Because that movie-- like he opens in movies and just fucking boom, boom." "They fucking explode and shit." "I think we were probably the lowest grossing move that dude's done in 10 years and shit." "I'm sure he looks at his track record." "He's like $100 million, $100 million." "What the fuck's that?" "It goes off the chart." "That's "Jersey Girl."" "Oh." "Fucking fat guy." "He ruined my edge." "Um, how did we do it?" "We got him through Ben and Jen, really." "Because I sent him the scene and shit." "And sent him a letter." "Originally it was written for Bruce Willis because it was set in '86." "And it was around that period where" "Bruce Willis thought he was a singer for a little while." "I don't know if you all remember that, when he was Bruno and he released an album as Bruno?" "And you pick up the album." "You're like, that looks like Bruce Willis." "And people will be like, sh, it is." "He did." "He released two albums as fucking Bruno and shit." "As if we wouldn't notice that it was Bruce Willis." "And he'd go on stage and people would be like, you got to call him Bruno." "I thought that was so funny." "So I wrote about that." "Like basically, he ran into-- basically, the thing that Ollie got fired for was for essentially being-- it's fucking Bruce Willis." "It's not Bruno." "And then later on, he met him years later and shit like that." "And we sent it to Bruce Willis and Bruno just to be safe." "And never heard back from him." "You know, Ben was just like, I'll fucking handle this, dude." "We were in the fucking space rock movie together." "Running from the space rock and shit." "He'll fucking answer me back." "Because I was like, Harry, I love you." "And Harry didn't answer him back and shit." "Harry's like, I don't love your back." "You know?" "So we never got a response." "So I rewrote it." "I was thinking, all right." "Well, that leaves us out of '86." "We can update it." "Who is-- if I count back Gertie's age, who would be the pop culture figure who was like big now who wasn't that big then?" "And I was like, oh, shit." "Will Smith." "So I wrote it for Will Smith." "And then we got it to Will Smith and he was like, you know, I'd kind of-- it's funny and I'd kind of like to do it." "But I think if I play myself, people might think I'm arrogant." "Because he's such a sweet guy." "And so like unassuming and one of the best people in the fucking business." "Real sweetheart of a fucking dude." "So, um, I was like, you got to talk to him, dude." "You know, to Ben." "I was like talk to him, talk that famous person talk to him and shit." "Start talking like in the millions." "And, uh, whatever you guys make and shit." "Bentleys, Hummers, throw those words around." "You know, and maybe-- maybe he'll say yeah." "So, um, Ben talked to him and shit." "And Ben was just like, look, man." "Like, don't worry." "Like he's easy to work with and shit." "And you'll come off great." "And trust me, like you playing yourself, you come off way better than when" "I played myself in this motherfucker's last movie." "So-- so do it." "So basically, those" " Ben, and then also Jen talked to him because they were going to do a movie together at one point, will and Jen, this remake of "A Star is Born," or something." "So she knew him through that." "So they both, basically, asked him and spoke to him and made him feel at ease." "And he was like, yeah, all right." "I'll do it." "Showed up." "Greatest, fucking, sweetest dude in the world." "Just no entourage and shit." "Nice dude." "And then it was weird, like rehearsing with him." "Because you're like, well-- he'd do the lines." "I'm like, you wouldn't say it like that." "He's like, well, the hell I wouldn't." "It's me, ain't it?" "You know?" "You're like, oh, right." "You're right." "Get jiggy with it, you know?" "What's the-- big chav community out here?" "Not in this room?" "Anyone-- is anyone really?" "What is vindicative, representative of a chav here?" "Burberry?" "Burberry?" "Is that a town or the scarf?" "It's a scarf?" "So if you wear a Burberry scarf, you're a chav?" "Trousers tucked into socks." "So my wife is a chav?" "Trousers tucked into socks?" "A chav will take your wallet?" "Good to know." "I know a few chavs." "I brought one with me." "Are you back there, Chav?" "This shit's always pretty well-planned." "Is there a chav buried back there anyway?" "Is there one?" "Ladies and gentlemen, my chav Jason Mewes." "What's a chav again?" "Um, why don't you field some questions, sir?" "I'm here." "I'm ready." "I have a story to tell, though." "Yeah?" "About your toilets." "Yes." "I think I'm going to bring the-- the toilet seats over here." "Because it's really deep and there's hardly any water in it." "So I feel bad for the women who have to clean the shit that, like slides on the side." "But I was" " I was shitting before I came out here." "I know you wanted to know that." "But I went to give myself a courtesy flush and the water comes from the front and it fucking splashed all over my balls." "I had to tell that story." "I was thinking-- so I think I'm going to bring it home and I'm going to put it next to my bidet." "And I'm going to be able to clean my ass and my balls before I get my dick sucked." "Right?" "It's an amazing thing." "But anyway, I thought it was pretty amazing." "My balls are clean now, so if anyone wants to suck my dick." "Ladies, that's an open invitation." "No?" "No takers?" "Or fellas." "And it will never get more appealing than that." "A dude whose balls have been washed by toilet water." "It's gross, though." "Like the woman have to clean that shit." "When the water rushed at your balls, did it mix with the shit water?" "No, because it shoots out the front." "Shit water's going down and the water" "It shoots out the front." "And it's so deep that the shit's way down anyway." "But it's like-- there's no water for the shit to float-- like go in." "So it just slides down the side of the fucking-- it's pretty gross, so you just have to deal with it all the time, I guess." "We were, uh, on our way here today and the" "Oh no, sir." "Yes, sir." "The cutest thing happened." "We get off-- you know, when you travel internationally and shit, you got to fill out a card." "And disembarkation card, disembarkment card." "The fucking card you got to fill out anytime you go someplace, like a different country." "And, um, you know, they ask for your name." "They ask for your passport number." "And then ask for your nationality." "And you know, we're American." "So I wrote American." "And then I looked at Jason's card." "And under nationality, he wrote Polish." "I learned something new today." "You did." "I was like, dude." "What?" "He's like, well, you know I got some Polish in me." "I was like, that's not what they're asking." "They're-- they're asking the country of your birth, sir." "I really didn't know." "Wow." "I think they thought it was a joke." "Like, I wrote it as a joke." "But no, I didn't." "We thought the dude was going to be like, so you're from Poland then?" "No." "Well, that's funny because it says here that you're Polish." "Which isn't really a nationality." "The guy just let me through, too, because I was laughing so hard." "He's just like, go." "We were-- we were in line laughing." "And the dude was like, what's so funny?" "I was like, my friend's a fucking idiot." "Welcome to the UK." "Yes, sir." "If you could be half-man, half-sausage, which way around would you have it?" "And why?" "One more time." "If I could be half-man and half-sausage" "Which way around which you have it?" "And why?" "Wait, that's the part that" "All right." "So you could have like top-half man, bottom-half sausage." "Oh, OK." "So which end would I rather be the man?" "Or top-half sausage, bottom-half man so you can run around." "Classic." "Which side?" "Which side do I want to be the sausage side?" "Oh, yeah." "That is hands down the best question I've ever been asked." "Uh, I would choose bottom-half sausage because then I would finally have a massive dick." "Top-half, not real good." "That's brilliant." "It's a good enough answer?" "Not nearly as brilliant as the question, though." "I've seen you cameo on shows and movies and stuff." "Do you just-- people call you up that admire your work and ask you to be on these shows?" "Or do you have, like an agent?" "Do you actively try and get work?" "The only-- uh, there were two shows that I actually pursued." "It wasn't hard-- it was hardly a pursuit." "It was me going, can I do this?" "And somebody was like, yeah, I guess." "And one was "Law amp;" "Order."" "I was a huge "Law amp;" "Order" whore." "And I called up my agent." "I was like, you never do anything for me." "And he was like, excellent way to start a conversation." "I could tell you want something." "I said yes, I do." "I would love to be on "Law amp;" "Order."" "He's going, what do you want to play, like the fucking suspect?" "Do you want to be a lawyer?" "One of the defense attorneys?" "I said, no." "I just want to be the guy that leads them to the guy that leads them to the guy who leads them to the suspect." "He's like, let me see what I can do." "He called back 10 minutes later." "He's like, go to New York next week." "You're in." "I was like, woo." "And I went." "And I wound up being the guy who led him to a guy who led him to a guy who led him to a suspect." "You know, it was fucking awesome." "Yeah, I saw it." "It was kind of-- it was just fun to do and shit." "It was great because I wasn't expecting-- you know," ""Law amp;" "Order" in America is on like pretty much 24 hours a day now." "Yeah, basically." "I mean, it's on like four different channels" " USA, NBC." "But anyways, I was like watching." "I'm like-- it's a good show to watch when you're-- basically don't want to watch anything." "Because everything's wrapped up in an hour." "So I'm watching." "I'm going" "But you know, that's like most TV, though." "Well, I know." "I know." "Everything wraps up rather quickly." "Well, anyhow." "Uh, so I'm watching." "I'm mildly interested." "And I go Kevin Smith." "Yeah." "That's" "Now I've got heightened interest in this one." "That was my reaction as well." "And I knew I was going to be in it." "I went-- what I did was I went to the mall, to a TV store, and just hung out there." "Turned every TV to fucking "Law amp;" "Order" and waited." "What was the" "And then when I popped up, I was like, Kevin Smith." "And there was one 65-year-old black guy who was like, that's the dude from Leno." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Yes." "Hi." "What was it like working with Will Ferrell?" "And have you got any funny stories about that?" "Again." "What was it like working with Will Ferrell?" "Will Ferrell." "I don't know what the fuck you said." "Honestly, I thought you were like, what was it like with Boba Fett." "And I was like, I don't know." "What was it like with Boba Fett?" "Well, it was quite nice, actually." "What was it like working with Will Ferrell?" "You now, the dude's hysterical as fucking hell." "Just really, really funny guy." "Constantly, like making jokes." "But not like, you know, ba-dum-bump kind of jokes." "Just constantly funny." "Can't help but be funny." "Even when he tries to be serious, the dude's kind of funny." "So, um, no-- no like killer, fucking stories." "He would come in, shoot, and then go back because he was working on "SNL" at the same time." "So we didn't get to hang out with him as much as I would have liked to." "Did you?" "Do you have any?" "No?" "No Will Ferrell stuff?" "No." "Nothing." "Great guy." "Funny." "Funny." "Can I ask" "Sweet." "Can I ask Jason a question?" "Yes, please do." "I was wondering if you'd make my night and say snoochie boochies in a seductive way to me." "I don't know if I could do that." "It's not-- it's not a sexy word, is it?" "Um." "Now you got me on the spot." "I don't know if I can do this." "Hold on." "Let me get in the mood." "Snoochie boochies." "I tried." "Never had to do that before." "That might work, huh?" "Are you a little wet in the pants?" "Yeah." "You are?" "That might work." "I'm going to try that tonight when I go out." "I'll be like, snooch." "Thanks." "Thank you." "I'm by myself." "Questions anywhere." "Fuck this thing." "Fuck that." "Fuck these guys." "Um." "Up here." "Fuck that." "You're too far." "Dude." "Fuck the mic." "It's my show now." "It's "Evening with Jay Mewes."" "What?" "Do something for us." "Do a monologue." "Do a monologue about, um, eating a clit, licking the clit." "Do it." "OK." "You say you're the clit commander." "Can I be your commander in chief?" "I like the clit, too." "I love the clit." "I love the clit." "And." "But you got to get the hood apart." "You got to pry the hood apart." "And then just get your tongue, just underneath there." "And then just tease it." "Tease it a little bit with your fingertip." "And then slide underneath the clit and around." "And then inside, inside, inside." "And then back to the clit." "Back to the clit." "Don't overdo it." "Not too hard." "Don't bit." "Never bite the clit." "Never suck too hard." "Just lick it." "Lick it gently." "How was that?" "Love that." "Was that OK?" "If it was my movie, I'd cast you, sir." "Thank you." "If I could cast you, I would." "Thank you." "Awesome." "I might want you to eat my ass tonight, sir." "Come on." "Sorry, I don't do ass." "Come on, sir." "OK." "Maybe in your case I'll make an exception." "That was awesome." "You know Woody Allen don't have Qamp;" "As like this." "Um, where were we?" "I think that she was" "She got a mic." "Hi, I had a refined question." "Um-- no, not after that." "Me and my friend Neil, we were talking about sex euphemisms." "And my personal favorite being pole in the hole." "Neil's-- what was yours?" "Would you like a portion?" "Did you see me man?" "Yeah." "You know what she said, right?" "No?" "I didn't hear a word." "Sex euphemisms." "What's your favorite sex euphemisms?" "Sex euphemisms, my favorite." "And yours was what?" "Pole in the hole." "Pole in the hole." "And she said-- what's his name?" "Neil." "She goes" "He likes, would you like a portion?" "Neil has one." "What's yours?" "And he goes-- she puts the mic down." "Would you like a portion?" "It was the delivery that was genius." "Brilliant delivery." "Would you like a portion?" "Right on." "That's my new euphemism." "What's yours?" "It's that now." "Would you like a potion?" "What is mine?" "Um, what's my favorite sex euphemism?" "I don't even really have a dirty one." "Because my wife doesn't let me get away with really, really dirty ones." "Your-- what's yours?" "How about give her a couple of inches?" "What's that?" "A couple inches." "I said, how about give her a couple of inches?" "That's a-- really?" "Is that what girls say over here?" "Maybe just me." "Fuck." "We're in the wrong country." "Because you ask for just a couple inches, that's what you get from me." "It's all in." "It's there." "All in." "That's balls deep right there." "Can I ask a nicer question?" "Um, have you ever been watching one of your own movies and sat there and smugly thought to yourself," "I am a fucking comic genius?" "No." "I sit there and watch my own movies and I'm just like, would you like a portion?" "No." "I don't know." "I rarely watch the movies anymore." "You know, just because you spend so much time with them making them that you don't really think about it." "But you know-- you spend-- well, that makes no fucking sense." "You spend so much time with the fucking movies, by the time the movie's done, you don't want to ever see it again." "Like I've seen every one of those movies so many fucking times." "Then you let some years go by." "Like "Clerks" I was only able to appreciate again recently because I hadn't watched it in a while." "I was like, hey, this is pretty fucking good." "It's fun." "This dude's funny." "But, uh, never-- never like, ooh, I'm a comic genius." "Because like my man that stood up and do the fucking-- his clit monologue." "And suddenly I'm like, well, anybody could that shit." "He's lying." "Do you think I" "He bluffs." "You're always just like, I'm fucking brilliant." "I'm so" " Mewes leave." "Come on." "I want to be alone with myself." "He does." "Would you like a portion?" "What, um-- what is your euphemism for sex?" "Um, knock the bottom out, you talking about?" "Knock the bottom out?" "Knocking the bottom out." "Does that work?" "Let me knock the bottom out." "Hit a girl with it." "Go ahead, hit her with it." "Come on, I already did the snooch, dude." "Come on, man." "Yeah." "But you would never do that in real life, like snoochie boochie." "No." "I wouldn't." "After-- how do you-- how do you approach them?" "You just say, let me knock the bottom." "Let me knock the fucking" "Let me get up in them guts." "How do you say it?" "How would you say it to her?" "I don't know." "I mean, mine's more jokey." "I'm not really" "So let's-- let's hear the joke." "I don't know, dude." "There's a bunch." "Knock the bottom out." "Let me get up in them guts." "I'm saying, knock the-- you do it." "What?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Dude, your mom's here." "Don't ask me this stuff, sir." "I hate it." "Is it-- you really?" "That fucking works on somebody?" "No, it never works." "This is what works." "Not really." "Because-- yeah." "No." "I got to piss really bad, so I'm leaving." "And I'm going to smoke a cigarette." "Oh." "And I'm going to go jerk off." "All right." "I'm going to have my balls washed again." "What he say?" "What is it, let me get up in them guts?" "Is that what he said?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Would that work on you, if some dude was like, let me get up in the guts?" "Maybe if it was Jason." "Usually, no." "But like that with that harsh, hostile tone?" "Let me get up in them guts." "I think I'd be like, oh, shit." "Try whispering it." "Was is it?" "Try whispering it." "Try whispering it." "I don't even think I could pull that off." "It would just sound spooky, wouldn't it?" "There's nothing fun about that, or playful." "Do you like your vag being referred to as guts?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Bloody hell, no." "You're the bear." "What was your favorite euphemism?" "Pole in the hole?" "Pole in the hole." "That's how you referred to it?" "Not normally, but it amuses me." "Not normally, though." "No, I understand what pole in the hole means." "But thank you for the demonstration." "Because I was a little-- what does she mean, pole in the" "Personally." "Pole in the hole." "Personally, fanny fun." "That's when you're sitting around with your girlfriends." "You're like, oh, we had a little pole in the hole last night." "Hehe." "But you don't say it to your man." "You're not like, come on." "If I'm out with my lady friends, it's either giving away the whole pudding or" "What is it?" "Giving away the whole pudding." "Um" " I didn't hear that." "What?" "Giving away the whole pudding." "Giving away the whole pudding?" "Yes." "You British broads are dirty." "I mean, when you say the whole pudding, you mean H-O-L-E or W-H-O-L-E?" "Like giving away the hole pudding or giving away the whole pudding?" "Whichever takes your fancy." "Go for it." "Or, a bit of fanny fun." "What was the other one?" "A bit of fanny fun." "A bit of funny fur?" "Fanny fun." "Fanny fun." "Fanny fun." "Family fun?" "Fanny fun." "Spell." "F-A-N-N-Y." "Fanny fun." "Like ass play?" "No." "Not ass play?" "Fanny here means fanjita." "What is it?" "Pussy." "Oh, fanny covers pussy up here as well?" "Fanny means pussy." "Back home, fanny is your ass." "Yeah." "No." "It's not here?" "Not here." "No." "Well, that would suck." "I can see why every British-- British woman I've tried to fuck has been very confused." "Would you like a bit of fanny fun?" "Oh, Jesus." "Yes." "Hey, hey, hey." "I said fanny fun." "So did I." "So fanny is the front part, the girl part?" "It is, indeed." "It's literally ass back home." "Like I'll spank you on your fanny." "Not here." "Yeah, you wouldn't want to get spanked on the fanny here." "Nasty surprises." "No." "How many international incidences have been causes because of that, you know?" "Fanny fun." "Interesting." "Having known many international guys, it's not a problem." "Two countries separated by a common language." "Is that it?" "And it all comes down to fanny fun?" "Yes." "Down to the word "fanny."" "I think that was the cause of the Revolutionary War." "I think so, too." "Excuse me." "Yes." "After that conversation, what does your mother think of you and your career?" "I don't know." "Can we ask?" "When I knew I was coming over here, um, I was like, would you-- you want to come see me do Qamp;" "A in England?" "Because it's just like doing a Qamp;" "A in America, but everyone sounds smarter." "Except for that broad." "But, um" "I forgot that the show tends to be a little bit blue." "She has spent a lot of the show with her head in her hands shaking." "Have you really been shaking-- up there just editorializing?" "Shaking your head, like, oh." "My mother in the beginning" " I remember when the movies-- when "Clerks" got picked up and shit." "She was just like, I think-- I think it's terrible." "All they do is curse in the movie." "And I think that reflects poorly on me." "I was like, really?" "She's like, everyone is going to think that I raised you with a potty mouth." "I was like, well, I'll set them straight." "So here's me doing it." "My mother never cursed to me." "My mother's one of those people that's like, oh," "H-E double hockey sticks." "She don't curse, really." "Until you get her really fucking mad." "And then she's like, fuck that fanny fun." "Thank you." "Yes?" "Um, Jason, I saw "R.S.V.P."" "Let me get up in them guts." "Did it work?" "No?" "Um" "Yeah, let me find out." "No?" "How old are you?" "17." "I was going to say, she's a child." "Oh, wait." "I'm 14." "What guts are you talking about?" "Mommy." "I'm out of here." "Probation." ""R.S.V.P." what?" "Um, I saw "R.S.V.P." and "Tail Lights Fade," too." "I was just wondering, does anyone actually ever offer you any other kind of role other than Jay?" "Um, here and there." "Here and there." "Not a lot, though." "But I'm doing a movie, uh-- we start shooting next month." "This guy Eric, who wrote and direct." "It's called "Bottoms Up."" "It's about fucking." "No." "But Paris Hilton's in it." "So hopefully we'll be fucking." "Not really." "But she is in it." "And, uh, I think Paul Walker's in it." "Some other dude." "I don't know." "It's like a $3 million budget." "But no, no one's beating my door down for Batman or anything like that." "So" "Is that the dream?" "Why, you giving me a job offer?" "You got a movie?" "Um, my friend sort of does." "Well, not a movie." "Not a movie." "Just, um-- just a stupid thing." "He's going to kill me." "Does this movie involve a video camera and" "Yes." "And Mewes and" "No." "It's just skateboarding and things." "Stupid." "There you go, dude." "I could do some moves, right?" "Yeah." "You can fucking ollie a bus." "Ollie kickflip." " Totally." "Right." "I'll let him know." "OK." "Um" "Is that your dream role, Batman?" "No." "That was your go-to, nobody's offering me Batman." "No." "But I was just saying" "Like if somebody called right now." "They're like, will you play Batman?" "You're like, I'm gone." "Moves." "No." "You wouldn't do it?" "I couldn't be the Dark Knight, sir." "I couldn't play that." "What a sincere answer that was." "Not like, well, that would never happen." "Or you know, I don't-- it would just" " I couldn't be the Dark Knight, sir." "Thanks very much." "Thank you." "OK." "Go on up." "Yeah." "Good evening to both of you." "It's a question" "So very British." "Yes, um, good evening to both of you." "I do have a question for both of you." "Um, if you had the job of deciding the official word of the day, what would today's word be?" "And why?" "The official word of the day?" "Official word of the way." "Can it be a hyphenate word?" "Sure." "Fanny fun." "Polish." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Good night." "Thanks." "That was easy." "Shit, why aren't they all like that?" "Who's got it over here?" "Or you can pass over-- somebody?" "Oh, somebody up there." "How are you?" " What's up?" "Don't jump, sir." "Don't jump." "How old are you?" "I'm 19." "Right on." "Almost incredible." "What?" "I'm 19." "19." "Yeah." "God, you dressed-- dressed formal for tonight's affair." "You got your button-down shirt and shit." "It's cold." "Not here, obviously." "That shirt wards off the cold, does it?" "Well, it has, you know, something of the reverse effect in here, but it was working out there." "Right on." "Right." "Uh, what's your favorite of the John Hughes flicks?" "Uh, uh, uh." "I just thought there was more." "But, uh" "That was it." "My favorite of the John Hughes flicks, it's not the most-- it's not the obvious." "I go for the later work." "My favorite was "She's Having a Baby," which "Jersey Girl"" "was kind of modeled after." "And that movie failed." "And I don't know why I thought mine would succeed." "Probably should have patterned it after something like "The Breakfast" "Club," which was successful." "Yeah, I was going to say, "Breakfast Club."" "I mean, I love "The Breakfast-- if you're talking about just the teen movies, "The Breakfast Club."" "Or I might even put "Weird Science"" "ahead of "The Breakfast Club," just because it's so out t" "But of the entire catalog of his directed by-- his directorial body of work, I'd give it up for, uh," ""She's Having a Baby."" "Thank you." "Only one guy going yes." "Thank you." "Right on." "Hello." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Um, I love, like stand-up comedy and stuff like that." "I was just wondering if you have any particular favorite comedians and stuff like that, that you like to see or watch or" "Or stuff like that." "Or stuff like that." "Um, Sam Kinison, George Carlin, Chris Rock, David Cross." "Those are the people that I really dig." "Um, what's his name?" "Bill Hicks, no longer with us" "Um, so people like that." "The older Bill Cosby stuff I really get into." "Like, did you ever hear that album, "To Russell," "My Brother, whom I Slept With?"" "No." "Such a" " I mean, it sounds dirty, but it's so not." "It's brilliant." "It's like 35-minute bit, one whole half-side of a record back when they made records." "That was essentially about two brothers trying to go to sleep at night." "Really, really fucking funny." "He was great when he wasn't selling Jell-O." "And Jay, if he's paying attention." "Evidently not." "Favorite comedians?" "Oh, come on." "I don't have a favorite." "I like David Cross a lot." "That's who I've been listening with him a lot." "But I'm not one to listen to comedians, like on tape and stuff." "And watch on HBO." "I'm not into comedians too much." "OK." "Fair enough." "Thank you." "Quick, right?" "She's like, fair enough." "I know." "Both of them are like, fuck him." "I don't know." "Hey, Kevin." "Hi, Jay." " Hey." "Hey." "This is one for both of you, really." "Um, if "Clerks" had never been made, what do you think you'd be doing right now?" "Sucking dick." "Well, I was going to say Kevin could probably" " Kevin could probably pimp you out." "But, um, did you have any career plans, or was anybody bugging you to go to college, like Dante or anything like that?" "Still don't." "Still lacking a career plan." "I probably would have-- still working at that convenience store, because it was a really good gig." "Really good, easy gig that I dug doing." "But, uh, that was it." "I was roofing." "I was putting roofs on houses, so I'd probably be doing the same." "Or sucking dick, I don't know." "I think it's cute the you were like, I was roofing." "And then you were like, let me explain roofing to these-- to these idiots." "I was" " No, no, no." "Putting roofs on houses." "No, I'm-- no, listen." "You dumb fucks." "You ain't got roofs here." "I'm not saying that at all." "But I'm saying when I say that to people, they'll be like roofer." "What do you mean?" "Really?" "I bet there's a few people that were like roofer." "What-- so I was explaining." "Was anybody confused by that?" "No?" "Well" "They're British, dude." "They're way smarter." "They are, aren't they?" "Super intelligent." "Fuck." "Thanks." "Thank you." "You got a question?" "Can somebody-- you want mine?" "Kevin." "Sir." "Was, it, uh, a turn-on shooting Jen for "Playboy,"" "or was it distracting?" "And what did, uh, Jason think of the pictures?" "Um, for those uninitiated or don't know," "I shot my wife for "Playboy," for the 50th anniversary issue of "Playboy."" "They had a bunch of directors." "They asked them to shoot their idea of eroticism." "Something erotic." "So I was like, well, what's more erotic than my old lady?" "Because she's the one that does all the fucking." "So um, you know, I asked them." "I was just like, well, I'd like to shoot my wife if that's cool with you." "And they were-- you know, they were like, well, um, can-- well, can we see a picture of her?" "Because they looked at me and they were like" "I don't know." "What chick would fuck him?" "And then they saw a picture, like, oh, yes." "You can shoot her." "Of course, she's very lovely." "You know?" "So I got the go-ahead and shit." "And I asked Jen and you know, I thought she'd be like, you're out of your fucking mind." "I was just like, so I'm doing this thing for "Playboy"" "and I can shoot, uh, any-- anything I want as long as" " And she's like, I'm in." "And I was like, you want to be in it?" "She's like, oh, god." "Yes." "That would be so hot." "Me in "Playboy?"" "That'd be awesome." "I was like, really?" "You don't feel it's like-- you know, because my wife is a real man-hater." "Total hates fucking men, which is why she married a dude with the smallest dick imaginable." "But she really fucking hates guys." "And she's so insanely pro-women and shit." "And you know, we can't even really get into porn anymore and shit because, you know, porn kind of degrades women." "That's what she says." "So I was like, but you-- but you will do-- you'll be in "Playboy?"" "You don't find it degrading?" "She goes, of, fuck no." "They'll make me look hot." "And I was like, well, never fathom the female mind." "She's like, it is kind of complex." "So, um-- so we, uh, tried to come up with a scenario." "And, um, my first idea for what I thought was erotic involving" "Jen was" " I guess it wasn't met with a resounding fucking woo-hoo." "Like I told her about it and she was like, how do you-- what do you want to do?" "I was like here's my idea of erotic photo." "It's you wearing glasses." "You're dressed up in a graduation cap and gown." "You've got one diploma in one hand and the other hand you're just throwing up in the air and the robe is just kind of open." "And she was like, what the fuck are you talking about?" "And I was like, I don't know." "It's the first time that came to my mind." "She's like, you want me to dress up like a fucking college graduate with glasses and-- why is that sexy?" "I was like, I don't know." "Because I never graduated college." "I don't know." "It was the first-- she's like, we're not doing that." "I was like, all right." "I was like, what if you dress up like Jay and I'll be Silent Bob?" "And then she kind of dissected that for a few hours as to why I would want to do that." "I think you have some unresolved issues with your friend, Kevin." "So the third time is a charm." "I was like, you know what?" "Fuck it." "You use to be a newspaper reporter." "Because when I met Jen, she was a journalist at "USA Today."" "She interviewed me." "That's how we met." "So I was like, what if-- what if you were Lois Lane and we have Superman in the photo with you?" "And he's kind of holding you sexily from behind." "And your skirt's blowing up and shit like that." "And she was like, you want some other dude to be in the picture with me?" "And I was like, yeah." "And she's like, well, why don't you just put on the tights?" "And I was like, think about what you just said." "And she's like, it just means that if you stand behind me in those tights, I'll look infinitely sexier than I-- than I would normally." "And I was like, no, I'm not going to do that." "I said, we'll get some dude to do it." "She's like, I'm not going to be comfortable being held by some guy." "I was like, trust me, all male models are gay." "So you know, you don't have to worry about anything." "It's not like the dude's going to put the moves on you and shit." "So she was like, all right." "So we hit "Playboy" up with it." "And "Playboy" was just like, yeah, totally." "Fuck it." "That's what you want to do?" "We'll build a set and shit." "And, uh, we went to the studio in Santa Monica to shoot it." "And you know, on the drive there, she was like, I'm nervous." "I'm really nervous." "I was like, well, you know, we'll get over it." "She's like, what's this "we" shit?" "You have clothes on." "And I was like, well, what would be-- you want to pick up like a bottle of wine?" "She's like, a bottle?" "Four." "So, you know, we picked up some wine and went to the studio and shit." "And then they spent like three hours doing makeup because they do your entire body and shit." "Not mine." "Hers." "And, um-- and so, you know, I was walking around kind of looking at our set." "They built us a rooftop and shit like that." "Checking things out while she got ready." "And then we went through wardrobe, picking out the wardrobe, which was so funny." "I couldn't believe they had a wardrobe department." "I'm like, it's "Playboy."" "There shouldn't be any wardrobe, you know?" "So we figured out what she was going to wear and shit." "And then came to take the picture." "Suddenly, it comes time to kind of get the gear off." "And we did it in phases." "Like at first, it was just kind of a transparent bra and like panties." "And then the skirt." "And then lost the panties." "And then just got down to the business." "So about a bottle of wine in, which would be about an hour into the photo session, it-- all the inhibitions fall away." "Like at first, we'd take shots and then there's like 12 shots per roll." "And then between each-- we'd change a role." "Dude would come out and put a robe on the chick-- wardrobe chick." "Put a robe on her and stuff like that." "About an hour into the session, a bottle of wine later, she's like fuck the robe, you know?" "And she's just strolling around fucking naked." "Which was pretty fucking hot." "And, um, the whole thing was kind of a turn-on because it's naughty, right?" "Because nobody's supposed to be seeing your wife naked." "And you're surrounded by all these fucking people looking at your naked wife and shit." "But the thing is these dudes who work at "Playboy," the guys who like do the scenery, and run the smoke machine and shit like that, and set up the camera, they see naked women every fucking day." "And oddly enough, have become inured to it." "You know, like it doesn't turn them on anymore." "They're just like, right." "Tits." "Just doesn't do it for them anymore." "But every once in a while, I would catch one of them fucking taking a peek and shit." "Like they're all professional and shit doing their job." "But every once in a while, I'd see one fucking fixing a light." "And Jen's over there and he'd be like-- then look at me and he'd be like, right on." "So I was like, right on." "So, um-- so when we-- we did the photo shoot." "And-- and, uh-- you know, I was getting incredibly turned on by the whole thing." "So I hit her up at one point." "I was like, how you doing?" "How you feeling?" "She's like, I don't know." "It's kind of-- how does it look?" "I was like, it looks fucking great." "It looks really great." "You look hot." "Damn not." "You want to go in the bathroom?" "And she was like, what?" "I was like,." "We got 5 minutes between shots." "Let's do some shooting of our own." "And she was like, you're serious?" "You want to go in the bathroom and fuck so that you're fucking leaking out of me on film?" "For all posterity." "So when our kids sees this picture fucking 20 years from now, there's you running down my leg." "Is that what you want?" "I was like, well, not anymore." "So we got through the photo shoot and shit." "And then eventually, you know, picked the shots." "And they ran the shots and shit." "And" " I have an issue of "Playboy" with my wife in it." "Which was really, really fucking quite cool." "You know, to just be flipping through and like, oh my god, there's my wife naked being held by Superman." "Rather sexy, I thought." "And, um, came in incredibly useful." "Because my wife is" " Jen's not a morning person." "Um, I am." "Like every guy, I wake up fucking rock hard with the best boner of the day." "Like the one that could cut glass." "The one that could break rocks." "The impressive one." "The one where you just want to call people up, like come-- come over and look at-- hold on." "Ready?" "The fucking-- the boner to end all boners." "And every other boner that you get throughout the rest of the day, any time you get fucking hard, just not the same thing." "It's just not as fucking impressive, you know?" "Just-- it's fine." "It gets the job done." "But it's just not the fucking-- it's not the bomb, like the morning rod is." "Or you call it piss boner." "Because it's the one where you got to piss real bad." "But you'd get shit done before you take a piss because it's that impressive." "It's shit where you're just chipping into marble walls." "So like every man, I'm kind of a" " I, you know, early morning riser and shit." "And, you know, I learned very quickly that Jen is not." "She's more of an afternoon delight kind of person." "So in the morning, I'll wake up and, you know, nudge forward." "And she's like, ugh." "I'm like, right on." "And, um-- so, you know, I usually have to wait till about fucking 2 o'clock before she gets her motor running and shit." "And then she me while I'm fucking knee deep on my website and whatnot." "Our timing tends to be off sometimes." "So suddenly, I had this magazine with my wife naked in it." "Which is cool because I found that after I got married, like I really dig my wife" "I'm really, really into her, just kind of" " I love her." "I think she's amazing." "I think she's this weird enigma that I got to figure out." "I got 50 years to figure her out." "So far, not doing well at all." "Fucking puzzle." "Um, but-- but I kind of dig her." "And I find her very sexually captivating." "So much so that I got married and I really stopped thinking about other chicks." "Other chicks just kind of stopped existing and shit." "And I just kind of became really focused and fixated on her." "Almost really obsessed with her." "Um, her body." "And when I think about sex, I think about her." "So much so I'll go to an internet site and try to check out some porn and shit." "And I'm like, you call this sexy?" "Well, it's a little sexy." "But-- you know." "But not for me." "So I'm just really not into it." "So any tie I wind up, like jerking off, um, I'd wind up thinking about her." "And suddenly I had a picture." "So I wake up in the morning, grab my "Playboy," go to the bathroom, snap one off, start my day." "It was a great way." "Then I'd stop bothering her in the morning, you know, and shit." "I had this beautiful, fucking boner to deal with and had the image to go along with." "And suddenly, I-- you know, I was like, this is great." "Why didn't I shoot my wife naked years ago?" "It would solve so many fucking problems." "I wouldn't be nudging her in the morning, you know?" "And I wouldn't be like sitting there going, what do I do with this?" "I figured out what to do with it." "So, um, one morning I came back from the bathroom and she's like waking up at the same time." "And she's like, good morning." "I said, good morning." "And she's like, what?" "What are you holding?" "I was like, what?" "This?" "Uh, "Playboy."" "She's like, is that my "Playboy?"" "I was like, yeah." "I was just, uh, reading the articles." "And she's like, were you jerking off to my "Playboy?"" "I said, jerking off." "What a-- yes." "She's going, why?" "I was like,." "You know?" "She's like, you, idiot." "You can fuck me." "Why are you jerking off to pictures of me?" "You could fuck me any time you want." "I was like, yeah, but not till like 2 o'clock." "So it became this kind of useful tool." "Aside from being able to kind of shoot her and-- and have something." "Because they-- you really buy-in to the "Playboy"" "mythos when you get there." "Because they're just like, all the play-- you know," ""Playboy" bunnies have loved these photo shoots because they have something to look back on years later to see how beautiful they looked at that time of their life." "Which is, you know, a weird way of saying when they get old, they're fucking ready to put a shotgun in their mouth because they don't look like this anymore." "But, uh, she bought-in to it right away." "She was just like, oh, this will be so great." "I'll be able to look at myself years from now and see what I look like." "And I look so pretty." "And what a great time it was and blah, blah, blah." "So it was cool." "It was a very cool thing to do." "Very hot." "And, uh, I got something out of it." "Spank material." "And I get to fuck the chick that I spank to." "I mean, that's rare." "Rare that you want" " I can't tell you-- when I was a kid," "I used to jerk off to "Playboy" all the time." "Never met one of those chicks." "Never got to fuck Barbie Benton, you know?" "Now I can look at this chick and go in the next room." "And if it's like mid-afternoon, I can probably fuck her." "Jason." "What did Jason think of the pictures?" "And also, is it the, uh-- is it the first time you've seen either Jen or one of Kevin's other girlfriends in the past naked?" "No." "I haven't looked." "I haven't seen Jen's picture." "I really won't look at it." "I can't look at Jen like" "Liar." "Ask-- ask Kevin." "He has it on his computer." "It's his, uh, wallpaper." "And I make him cover it up before I come and look at shit on his computer." "Ask him." "And there's a painting of her in his hallway that's like 7-- it's like 6 foot." "And that was covered for a while, but now I just" " I go by it because it's hanging in his office." "I can't avoid it." "But I don't look at her." "I really don't want to see it." "And that's serious." "She's the one girl-- well, maybe out of 10." "10 girls in the world I wouldn't want to see naked." "You know why he doesn't look at her?" "Gay." "It's true, though." "He is really like" " I remember I whipped open the issue." "I was like, dude, check it out." "He's like, what is it?" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Like, if fucking he had looked into the sun." "It's funny." "He won't-- there's a big painting and he won't look at that either." "So if I don't want him in the office," "I just put the painting in front of the door." "And he's like move-- oh." "It's like kryptonite." "Why is that, though?" "Jen's always like, why?" "What's that matter?" "He doesn't think I'm pretty?" "I was like, no." "He just sees you like mom." "Nobody wants to see mom naked, you know?" "Yes, you got a mic." "Hi." "How did you broach the subject with your wife that, uh, the first time you fucked it would appear on a DVD?" "Yeah." "With your bleeding cock." "Yeah I did-- yeah, right." "I didn't broach the topic." "It was a story that kind of, you know, evolved while I was doing Qamp;" "A and shit." "So, um, the first time she heard it, she was none too thrilled." "If you ever saw "An Evening with Kevin Smith,"" "the first part, as opposed to this being the second part," ""Evening Harder," um, I tell a very long, involved story about the first time I had sex with my wife and how I cut my dick open." "Um, but it's very romantic." "So the first time she heard it, she got like super-fucking pissed." "And she's like, oh my god." "Not only do you talk about intimate details of our sex life, but you say sticking your dick in me is like putting your dick in battery acid." "You know." "And I was like, because I was cut open." "She's like, that doesn't fucking matter, Kevin." "No woman wants her vag referred to as battery-- it's like calling it guts, you know?" "Um, so, uh, she wasn't too keen on it." "And then I didn't bother to tell her that we had recorded it for the DVD." "So it wasn't until a few months after-- because you know, she's seen-- she's been to the fucking circus so many times, she doesn't-- she'll shall watch a little bit of the Qamp;" "A and then fuck off." "Because she's like, ugh, it's you fucking up there telling stories." "But the-- the kind of first time she actually saw it and saw that it was on there." "Did she go, why?" "Why have you fucking put it on here?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "And never lets me forget to this day." "Still, to this day she's just like, why-- she'll be like," "I have to tell you something, but it can't wind up on a DVD." "Which is so weird because most people would was just go, like I got to tell you something, but you got to swear you can't tell anybody." "Hers is very specific." "She doesn't worry about the vagary." "She's just like, it cannot wind up on a DVD." "Do you understand me, Kevin?" "I'm like, yeah, I do." "Is it 2 o'clock yet?" "She didn't take too kindly to it." "But she's kind of used to it by now." "That's why she'll come-- like she was here earlier, and then she just takes off." "Because she's like, I don't want to hear you tell stories anymore." "Because sooner or later, you're going to talk about me." "Like, I don't think she knows about the "Playboy" story." "Probably good." "And then a kind of quick question." "What did, uh, Jason think about you telling the story of his fuck tape with his" "I don't know." "He was-- well, I remember like at one point when he watched it, he was just like, I had a fuck tape?" "You know, just didn't remember." "There was a whole bunch of stuff he didn't remember." "When we came over for this trip he was like," "I've never been here before." "This is awesome." "We have been here before." "It was during the lost years." "But, uh-- so it's nice." "It's nice." "You get to re-experience a lot of shit with him." "You know, it's like he was a fucking droid and he had his memory wiped." "So you get to do a lot of shit twice." "And he's just like, this is great." "I've never done this before." "And inside you're like, yeah, we have." "It's kind of like "Groundhog Day" a little bit." "But, uh, he didn't seem to care." "He don't care." "And he hasn't even watched-- he hasn't even asked to watch the tape, which is so weird." "Because I would imagine sooner or later he'd be like, let me see that tape." "But no interest." "Thanks very much." "Thank you." "Hi." "Hello." "Oh, god." "Loud." "Um, "Jersey Girl" is quite different in some ways from your previous films." "And dedicated to your daughter." "And I was wondering if becoming a father has changed you creatively in terms of what you're interested in doing in your work?" "Um, you know, it hasn't really changed me creatively." "I mean" " I guess in a small way." "I wouldn't have done "Jersey Girl" if I didn't have a kid." "So for all the people that didn't like it, blame the child, you know?" "Like, it really-- if I didn't have a daughter," "I wouldn't have thought to write that movie." "Um, and I started writing it when she was about six months old, or something like that." "So I guess that did have an effect." "But I always made this promise to myself that I would never change the content of my work." "Or just not be me and not do what I do, just because I had a kid." "Like we have a very-- we're not hypocritical in the house." "Like it's not like we don't swear around the kid." "We're not like earmuffs, you know, nothing like that." "It's just we tend to be the same way we are around the kid that we are when we're not around the kid." "You know, not certain-- like I don't fuck my wife while the kid looks." "Although that happened once-- by accident." "Which was the weirdest thing." "Like we were going at it really hard and heavy and shit." "And she, of course, was on top." "And, um, we're real chatty, fucking talky lovers and shit." "And it's just-- not even like, oh, you're so pretty and shit." "Just dirty shit." "Shit like, you're fucking" " I'm having me some fanny fun, bitch." "Just real fucking dirty, fucking nasty, nasty fucking talk and shit." "Where other people's names come into and shit." "And like soon you're in this weird fantasy where you're fucking a football team." "It's just like way the fuck out there." "Just nasty, fucking, dirty shit." "And you know, she" "Any names you'd repeat?" "Sorry?" "Any names you'd repeat?" "I've never brought Affleck up for some reason." "Never thought to work him in there and shit." "I should actually whip a little Affleck on her, see what she says." "So there's one thing you wouldn't cast him in then?" "There is one thing." "I wouldn't cast him in my wife." "Um, so there we are fucking and fucking talking nasty to each other and shit." "And then the moment of truth comes and shit." "And, um, we-- and it was one of those rare times where we both kind of came together." "And it was kind of powerful and nasty and dirty and fucking-- just hardcore, too." "And it was hot, so we were both fucking sweating." "And just-- we just didn't hear the door open." "So we're finished and fucking like-- my head just kind of lolls to the left." "And there I see Harley sitting at the edge of our bed like this." "You know, like a little scientist from another planet." "Just really kind of-- trying to figure out what when in where." "So we were like, hey." "Hey." "Hey." "What are-- and Jen flips off me and shit." "And, uh, we're like, what are you doing?" "She's like, what are doing?" "And we were like, what?" "We were just, uh-- we were playing." "We were-- you know, we're just playing." "Playing." "She's like, playing what?" "We were like, we were play fighting." "We're just like play wrestling." "Having some play fighting time." "And she was like, it didn't look like you were fighting." "And I was like, well, what did it look like?" "She was like, you were swimming." "And under her breath I hear Jen go, I was swimming." "And I was like, that's what we were doing." "We were doing-- we were doing, uh-- we were night swimming." "And she was like, is that why you're all wet?" "I said, absolutely." "We were in the pool." "And then we were doing some night swimming in the pool." "And then we came up here and we were just showing each other how we swim because it was too dark to see it out there." "She was like, but put the lights aren't on in here." "I was like, yeah, but-- the moon." "And then she was like, can I go night swimming?" "And I was like not until you're 30, I hope." "You know?" "And then she was like, can I get in the bed with you." "And immediately I'm like, get this kid away from the wet spot." "I was like, no, no, no." "You can't." "You go hang out and shit." "Do other things." "Just" " Dad needs a few minutes." "Took a lot out of me." "Um, so she caught us." "But you know, it never came back to the subject." "She bought night swimming, which was tremendous." "You know?" "Because now any time she-- lock the door now, of course, when we fuck because we didn't know she was so strolly." "She crept in like a fucking ninja." "Like, who knew she was there?" "She could have slit both our throats." "Instead, she was just-- so-- so now we lock the door and she'll-- you know, boom, boom, boom." "Mom." "And we're like, night swimming." "OK." "Off she goes and shit." "It doesn't occur to her that the pool is upstairs." "So-- so we, uh-- you know, aside from that, we tend not to kind of live our lives differently." "You know, we curse in front of the kid." "And some people think that's kind of not right and shit, but it'd be so hypocritical of me not to curse in front of the child." "Because that's how I make my fucking living." "Cursing will put her through college." "So we tend to not rein it in." "We're just kind of ourselves and shit like that." "And I find it has a-- you know, a kind of reverse effect on the kid." "It doesn't make the kid want to curse." "It makes the kid not want to curse." "Like we were driving somewhere, me and Jen were talking about something." "And I was like, you know what?" "That's total bullshit." "And out of the backseat where Harley was, we hear bullshit." "And we were like, what the-- what?" "What did you say?" "She's like bullshit." "We're like, that's awesome, you know?" "Because nothing cuter than a little kid cursing." "And so, you know, we were chucking and shit." "And she was like, bullshit." "We're like, yes, say it again." "Bullshit." "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit." "It was tremendous." "And suddenly, she started varying it up and shit." "And she was like horse shit." "And I was like, yes, fucking horse shit." "Horse shit." "And she was like, dog shit." "Mom shit." "Dad shit." "Nana shit." "Pop shit." "We have two dogs, uh, Scully and Mulder." "Mulder shit." "Scully shit." "Bat shit, which was my favorite." "And we were dying up front." "We're like, this is awesome." "She went through a litany of shits." "Anything you could modify shit with, she did." "You know, fucking pass the roadside sign, sign shit." "McDonald shit." "Volkswagen shit." "You know, shit shit, shit." "This went on for two hours and never lost its fucking edge." "I was just as amused when she said bullshit as I was when she later on got down to fucking wee-wee shit." "Which is pee-pee, poop, you know?" "Just- but she didn't know that." "That's the thing." "So I said to her, I was just like, Harley, do you know what shit is?" "And she's like no." "And I said, shit is poo-poo." "And her face, fuck, she went-- she realized she just spent the last two hours talking about shit." "And then she says-- she never said shit ever again." "So it's weird." "It had this reverse effect on her where she didn't like to curse anymore because she spent two hours cursing." "So, um, I don't know." "We're kind of-- we kind of let the kid progress her own-- you know, because there's no-- especially with language, it's like, there's no such thing as bad words." "Bad intentions, but not fucking bad words and shit." "Bad words will put food on the table if you do it right." "So, um" "So no, the work has never been affected by the kid." "And our lives haven't been affected by the kid." "I mean, in as much as we have to make time to feed her and shit." "You now, and protect her from danger." "But other than that, everything kind of remained the same." "For me." "Has she seen any of your other movies?" "She did." "She finally-- we got around to showing her "Jay and Silent" "Bob Strike Back" one night." "Um, and that was by accident." "We were watching something on the big TV upstairs and-- watching a DVD and it ended." "And when the DVD player cuts off, like TV kicks back in." "And it was Showtime." "The cable channel was on." "And "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" was on." "And it was a scene with Jen coming out of the van." "And she was like, oh my god, it's Mom." "And I was like, yeah." "Oh, it is Mom." "That's right." "That's Mom." "I fucked that chick." "But I was like, that's Mom." "You're right." "And she's like, what is the-- because suddenly-- she lives in this weird world where like, you know, sometimes Dad has short hair and sometimes he has long hair." "And sometimes he never says anything." "And sometimes he's always talking." "And then sometimes he's like clean that shit up, you know?" "And sometimes him and Uncle Jay run into a wall." "So it's this weird world of like reality, not reality." "Like I hang out Jason in real life and I hang out with Jason in the movies." "And Jason-- in the movies, we're always together." "And in real life, he lives in our house." "So you know, for her movie world and reality kind of blend and shit like that." "Like I remember for a wrap gift for, uh, "Jay and Silent Bob" "Strike Back," Hilary, who was the script supervisor on the show, had-- long time prior, long time before when she was a kid, she had been the voice of Sally in some of the "Peanuts" cartoons." "So as a wrap gift, she had somebody draw the animated" "Jay and the animated Silent Bob and Sally together in one picture." "And Harley was about two and into Snoopy at that point." "And I showed her the picture and her head fucking exploded." "Because she was like, Dad, Uncle Jay, Charlie Brown's sister." "They all know each other?" "You know?" "So it's not bad enough." "Like you know she's going to be on some therapist's couch years from now going, Silent Bob was my dad." "You know?" "But she going-- you know, it's weirdness like that when you're a kid when you see Dad interacting with people who aren't real." "You start to wonder, I guess, if you're old man's real to some degree." "Um, so she-- here she's seeing Mom suddenly in the mix because we had never really thought to show her the movie before." "And I was like, I turned to Jen" "I was like, we could possibly show her the movie, you know?" "I mean, we could just do it without the volume." "Because if the volume was up, she'd lose interest in the movie because there's so much cursing." "And that's just-- to her, that's grownup shit." "So I was like, let's show her her." "Because she's in the movie." "She plays a little baby Silent Bob." "So we go and pop in the DVD." "And there's her." "And you know, little baby her as Silent Bob." "And then suddenly little baby her dissolves into big, fat me." "Which I'm sure she'll be talking to her therapist about, you know, 20 years now going like, he fucking-- he showed it to me when I was a child." "I-- that's what I would grow up to be?" "Like, how am I supposed to deal with that?" "And that's why I killed my parents in their sleep." "I could get away with it because I could creep like a ninja." "Caught them after a little night swimming." "So" "So we kept going, you know?" "And I was like, hey, there's Uncle Jay." "And there's-- you know, here's some other stuff." "And suddenly, I realized that the movie plays to a child if you turn the sound down." "Because like at a certain point we're hitchhiking and all of a sudden there's the Scooby Doo van." "And she lit up like Christmas." "She was like Mystery Machine." "And I was like, Mys-- what?" "Yeah." "Oh my god." "Yes, you're right." "That is the Mystery Machine." "You recognize that?" "She's like, Mystery Machine." "And I was like, well, hold on to your hat because check this out." "And all of a sudden, door opens and Jay and Silent Bob" " Dad and Jay, Uncle Jay-- are hanging out with the fucking Scooby gang, which she is very into at that point." "And she's just like, Scooby." "And Fred." "And Velma." "You know Scooby?" "I'm just like, yeah, we hang out." "And, um, she was just-- her fucking head exploded." "She was just enraptured." "And then reality sank back in for her and she was just like, that's not Shaggy." "And I was like, what do you mean that's not-- of course that's fucking Shaggy." "That's as Shaggy as it gets." "And she was just like, Shaggy's shirt is green." "His shirt is blue." "And I was like, you're just like all those fuckers on the internet, you know that?" "So ya, she's seen some shit." "We've showed her some shit." "But she gets real bored real easily, you know?" "Because she don't want to see people sitting there talking to one another." "And that's what all my movies are, just people like." "You know?" "She-- we, uh" " I felt like a filmmaker, though." "Showing her that movie for the first time," "I felt like a filmmaker." "Generally, I don't feel like a filmmaker or director." "Like I feel like a writer who just happens to direct his own stuff." "Because I can't really tell a visual story to save my life." "But watching that movie with the kid," "I felt like a visual storyteller." "I felt like I communicated ideas with images." "Because there's a point where we're being chased by Judd Nelson's character." "Um, and they're shooting at us." "And then Jay dives through a pipe." "And then I throw Suzanne, the orangutan, through the pipe." "And then I go to dive in the pipe." "And I don't make it through." "And the kid starts cracking up." "She's just laughing." "And she's like, haha, you're too big." "Haha." "And at first I was like, fuck you." "You're no spring chicken, you know?" "That's my-- my gut instinct and shit." "You got my legs, kid." "You know." "But then I was like, wait a second." "She-- she gets it." "Like, she's right." "Like I can't get through the pipe because I'm too big." "And she was like, just like Winnie the Pooh." "And then in the movie, Jay goes, just like Winnie the Pooh." "And she was like-- you know?" "And then later on, when it came to the diamond exchange sequence, um, you know, the girls go-- there's no dialogue in that scene." "The girls flip down the hallway-- one, two-- trying to avoid the lasers." "And to be quiet and shit like that." "And then Allie does her flips, gets to the end, and farts." "And the alarm goes off." "And the kid was just like, she farted." "She frogged." "That's what she said." "She doesn't say fart." "She says she frogged." "And I was like, that was a new one for me because I didn't know where frog came from." "Because you know, a fart's a fart." "But suddenly the kid's busting with a frog." "And I was like, what do you mean, she frogged?" "She's like, she frogged." "Frogged." "I was like, oh, she-- she blew ass out-- gas ass." "What are you-- farted." "She frog, you know?" "Just like, come on." "Follow me, Father." "And I was just like, my god." "She got it." "She understood that the alarm went off because this girl frogged and shit." "And I felt like, my god." "I am a filmmaker." "You could turn the sound down and you get the movie, pretty much." "At least that one." ""Clerks" I think she'd have a hard time with." "But that one she got." "So we've showed her some." "We've showed her some stuff." "But I'm curious to see how she reacts to the shit when she gets older." "If she has any interest in it herself." "She's got good ammunition for her teenage years." "Totally, right." "She'll get away with murder because she's like, oh, what about the time you two fucking ran from that rubber poop monster." "That-- that wasn't real." "Oh, it's not?" "It's you and Uncle Jay." "You're always hanging out together anyway." "Where is the difference, Dad?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Yes." "Do you have a mic?" " Kevin." " You still have a mic?" "Kevin, hi." "Hey." "I heard that you did a rewrite on the classic that is "Coyote Ugly."" "I did." "And there was very little left in the actual film." "Um, how did that gig come about?" "And how-- are there any other films with small contributions from you in them?" "Um, let me see." "I did, uh" " I did a rewrite on "Coyote Ugly."" "I don't think I've done any rewrites since "Coyote Ugly."" "I think that was the last one I did." "But, um-- that one was like a page one rewrite where I rewrote everything from scratch." "Changed characters' names, set scenes in different places, and shit." "And they paid me." "It was a Bruckheimer movie." "They paid me a shit load of money to do it." "And Jerry Bruckheimer was a big fan of "Chasing Amy."" "That's how Ben wound up getting cast in "Armageddon."" "And Jason Lee got cast in "Enemy of the State" and shit like that." "And then I wound up working on rewrites on "Coyote Ugly."" "So turned in my draft and shit like that." "And they're like, you want to direct this?" "And this is right while I was going off to direct "Dogma,"" "I think." "I think it was "Dogma."" "And I was like, you know what?" "I want to do my own thing." "But I said, but I love this because like, it's all about Jersey and shit like that." "But I'm going to go off and do my own thing." "So then they brought another guy on to direct it, who brought in his writer and completely changed everything that I had written dialogue-wise." "Which was weird." "Because like of anything of my script you're going to keep, keep the dialogue." "Everything else is bullshit." "But the dialogue, they got rid of everything with the exception of one line." "Like they kept settings, odd things." "Like they would keep things set in the place I had them set." "Or they would keep character names." "But everything else fucking changed." "And the one line of mine they kept was the one girl talking about-- like one girl asked the other girl like, have you ever done-- this part's not the exact line." "But have you-- she was asking if she had ever done any lesbian stuff." "And the other chick was like, no, no, no." "I've only played in the minors." "I never went pro." "Like, lame line." "And that's the one they fucking kept." "So I went to the movie to watch it and there's a subplot involving like a dude who loves comic books and shit like that." "And wants a Punisher-- you know, the first appearance of the Punisher." "And at one point, Jen leans over to me, she's going, oh, you-- you did all the comic book stuff, didn't you?" "I was like, I had nothing to do with the comic book stuff." "I didn't write this shit." "I wrote that one line about played in the minors, never went pro." "And she was like, well, I wouldn't really cop to saying that if I were you." "And I was like, yeah, I'm just telling you." "So that was it." "That was my last rewrite gig." "And I was just like, just-- what's the point?" "You spend all that time." "It's like working on Superman." "You spend all that time, somebody else comes behind you and just changes everything." "So no, that's-- that's it." "But that's my contribution to "Coyote Ugly."" "Very small." "Although, they paid me an insane amount of money to essentially write that one line." "I was like, why didn't we just skip the middle man." "I would have wrote that line." "And you know, you cut me a check." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Sure." "Hi, Kevin." "My name is David." "How are you, David?" "I'm very good." "I'm very good." "I just wondered, what's the official stance with the "Star Wars" drama that you're so-called "involved" in?" "Yeah, I read on the internet that I'm supposed to be involved in a "Star Wars" TV show." "OK." "Nice answer." "How about, uh, "Episode 3?"" "Have you seen it?" "And were you tempted to get your agent to get you a cameo?" "That was one of the requests I just made recently." "I didn't make it through my agent, though." "Um, one of our associate producers on the last few flicks, uh, this great, great gentleman by the name of Phil Benson." "We met him on "Dogma."" "He worked at Skywalker." "He was a sound guy." "Um, and he wanted to-- really high-up sound guy." "Essentially, he was the guy that when the "Lord of the Rings"" "won for sound mixing, sound design, shit like that, he would have been the guy." "But he opted not to do "Lord of the Rings"" "so he can do "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" instead." "No accounting for taste." "Um, but that-- you know, I always say to him, I was like, do you ever regret it?" "Do you ever regret not doing it?" "He's like, no." "Because I wanted to do something other than sound." "That's why I went to do "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back."" "Because no offense, but it's not like a cure for cancer." "And I was like, what?" "But he was like, but I wanted to try other things beyond sound." "So we made him an associate producer and stuff." "And he did other things on the movie that he never had the opportunity to try as a sound guy and stuff." "So Phil worked at the ranch at Skywalker for years and years and years." "From when he was a kid up to-- and he's not that old." "The dude's like my age." "But he had worked there for like 8, 10 years." "So-- and we knew" "I knew Rick McCallum because I'd met him at the ranch, the producer of the new "Star Wars" movies." "But Phil really knows him." "So the other day I dropped him a line." "I was like, dude, I want to go to an early screening of this movie." "Can you talk to Rick?" "And he wrote Rick an email and wrote me-- then Phil wrote me back and was like, he says he'll show it to you." "And I was like, when?" "He's like, April 15, they lock picture." "He said, come on up and I'll show you the flick." "I was like, ah." "Because that's the fucking movie I'm looking forward to, you know?" "I think that movie's going to" " I liked the first two." "You know "Phantom Menace" not a huge fan of, but I liked it." "You know, could have done with a lot less Jar Jar." "Um, the second one I really fucking loved." "I think the third one is just going to be fantastic." "I think it's going to fucking-- you know, take everybody who's naysayed the last two and make them-- spin them completely." "With your power in Hollywood, would you try to maybe be the character to maybe kill Jar Jar?" "Go down in folklore or something?" "No." "No." "I mean, why pay-- why cast more attention on that fucking guy?" "You know, even a death scene is too good for him." "Just basically let it happen off-camera." "Have somebody go, what happened to Senator Jar Jar?" "Killed." "Now, on with the real movie and shit." "That's the one I'm looking forward to because that will always be the trilogy to me, right?" "Like, well, not this new one." "That's the second trilogy." "But the first one, that's the fucking trilogy." "That's why it was so disheartening to live through the "Lord of the Rings" over the last few years because suddenly that became the trilogy to a lot of people." "People are like, have you seen the trilogy?" "I was like, yeah, I saw it when I was a kid." "They're like, no." "The "Rings."" "I was like, motherfucker, there is one trilogy." "There's not fucking more than one." "Because "Star Wars," you know, it's an adventure fucking story." "Well, those "Lord of the Rings" movies, as good as they looked, and as wonderful a director" "I think Peter Jackson is-- because I'm a huge fan of "Heavenly Creatures."" "They're fucking movies about walking." "You know I'm right." "Because people go, he's right." "That's it." "It's just three fucking movies about motherfuckers walking." "And they're all walking to a fucking mountain to pitch a ring in it." "You know, that's it." "To a volcano." "That's all they do is walk." "The first movie is fucking this." "That's it." "That's the whole fucking first movie." "Second movie is this." "And the fucking third movie is" "So I couldn't understand what all the fucking excitement was about." "Three movies about fucking walking." "And then that third movie had 46 endings to it." "Like that movie just kept ending and ending and ending." "Like there's a point, you pitch the ring in the lava, shit's done." "Send me the fuck home." "You know, it's finished." "The walk is over." "You know, unless you're going to do a trilogy about the walk back." "But it kept going." "Like first they pitched the ring in, and then fucking Gollum shows up." "And then they fucking fight." "And then a bird picks them up, and then they take them back to the Hobbit land and shit-- the shire." "And then, fucking all of a sudden, somebody's like, we got to go." "We're catching a boat." "Like, what?" "What?" "What does that have to do with any of this?" "You got to stick behind, man." "You take care of the book." "And the end of movie's a dude literally writing in a book, which is like the least cinematic thing you could possibly do." "And I know because I make the least cinematic movies imaginable." "Like this move that was all about grandeur and fucking amazing creatures and shit, ends with a dude going-- and then they all got on a boat, which is something we just showed you, and went someplace" "where apparently Sam can't go." "But that left me to be the pimp of the shire." "The movie ends with him writing a book." "And dudes going off on a boat to Never-Never Land and shit." "Like, it's so weak." "The ending in that movie I thought was rather clear." "I thought it was the moment when Frodo wakes up from his coma, you know, or whatever he was in and shit." "And the little hobbits, the little gay hobbits, are jumping up and down on the bed." "Merry and Pippin, whatever." "And, um-- because they were clearly fucking gay." "They're fucking" "You know, it's the first time in the movie people aren't walking." "Because instead, they're bouncing on the bed." "I mean, admit it." "Even the trees in that fucking movie walked." "So the little gay hobbits are hopping up and down on the bed and shit, and then fucking-- you know, everyone's happy that Frodo's alive." "And then Sam pimps into the room and just leans against the door jamb." "And he's looking at his boy in the bed." "And his boy makes eye contact with him." "Frodo and Sam looking at each other." "And you just get this feeling, like they're looking at each other and they're just like, we've been through some fucking shit." "Granted, we walked a lot." "But we've seen some shit." "And we took the ring." "And fucking two hobbits saved Middle Earth." "You and I, we saw spiders." "We saw giant fucking birds." "We saw a lot of shit." "You and I have been through the shit." "Like two Vietnam vets who made it out of Da Nang and shit." "Like, we did it, Frodo." "And they share this fucking look." "That's the end of the movie, to me." "That's a beautiful way to go out." "And if you really wanted to fucking like blow the mind of the Academy-- because that's the movie that won the Academy" "Award for Best Picture." "And it was a foregone conclusion that the movie was going to make a gazillion bucks, right?" "Like, everyone was going to go see that fucking movie because they went to see the first two." "I always thought Peter Jackson should have just completely fucking taken a left at that point, you know?" "Because it's like every-- that's the tail end of the movie." "Everybody has seen the fucking adventure story." "You've gotten all the box." "Office Why not just go fucking nuts?" "Like, just do something that like nobody was expecting." "All the people that know the books really well, all the people who are real hardcore fans of the other movies-- like instead, fucking Frodo's looking at Sam." "Sam's looking at Frodo." "And then Sam tells Merry and Pippin to take a hike." "And then Sam goes over and sucks the fucking cock off Frodo." "Like just a hardcore-- just this amazing fucking, awe-inspiring, luscious blow job scene between these two hobbits." "Like, just to watch the audience go, what the fuck happened?" "Like, did you fucking-- the little guy is blowing the little guy." "Fucking Jackson has lost his mind." "And just like a 10-minute version of it." "Like from a real porno fucking scene." "Just fucking like working it." "And fucking-- and no music, just stark." "So you're just hearing like" "People would just be like, what the fuck?" "Like it would be amazing." "I would give that dude the Academy" "Award right then and there." "I'd be like that's the bravest fucking move I've ever seen in a mainstream movie." "Congratulations, you insane, glorious bastard." "And at the end of it all, fucking Sam just bricks in Frodo's mouth." "Credits." "This is why they-- they don't let me direct other movies." "Um, OK." "We've heard about Jen's "Playboy" shoot, but I was wondering if you'd tell us-- sorry, am I too loud?" "Who the fuck is talking?" "Is that you?" "You?" "I didn't even see your lips moving." "Are you a ventriloquist dummy?" "That was awesome." "Or the ventriloquist rather." "Maybe." "Right on." "Try again, sorry." "I was just wondering if you'd like to tell us about there was a cartoon strip you did, a very sweet story about you and Jen's first kiss." "And I was just wondering if you could tell us how that came about." "Because I thought it was really nice." "It was kind of sweet." "Not a real entertaining story." "But sweet, nonetheless." "Uh, "New York Times" magazine had asked me to do a fashion issue for them." "They were doing this big fashion issue." "And they're like, we hear you write comic books." "Um, do you want to write a story that involves fashion?" "And I was like, um, all right." "Are we allowed to use comic book characters?" "Like, you know, Spiderman, and fucking" "Daredevil, and Green Arrow." "They said no." "I was like, all right." "Well, can I write about the first time" "I met my wife for-- first time we kind of fell in love?" "She was like, OK." "And so I wrote that and Joe Quesada drew it." "And we worked every outfit she wore." "And each panel was different, but it was based on real clothing and shit like that." "So we got the original artwork hanged-- hung up in our house, all framed." "And it's hung up and shit." "But it was the sweetest thing in the world." "It was a tough thing to top." "Because one day I was just like, surprise." "And there was this little nine-page comic strip about, you know, how we met and fell in love in the "New" "York Times" magazine section." "And she was like, oh my god." "It's not 2 o'clock, but let's fuck." "You know." "But, uh, tough to top that." "After that, you give her things and she's like, it's great." "It's no "New York Times" magazine." "You know, shit like that." "Cheers." "Cheers, sir." "I was just wondering, I've seen the "Degrassi" episode you did." "Yes." "And you're playing, I guess, sort of yourself but not yourself." "Yes." "Have you since then been offered any other roles, which" "I mean, you personall-- I know Jason's answered this-- which are slightly more dramatic and not so much" "Silent Bob?" "No, nobody offers me acting work ever." "Ever." "So no offers whatsoever since then?" "No." "Well, "Degrassi" just aired." "But even then, no." "I mean, I could probably" " I tried to convince the people in, uh, CTV, the broadcasters in Canada, to do a spin-off of "Degrassi" where I keep playing myself." "Not much luck with it?" "They weren't into it." "OK." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Yes, sir." "You." "Right." "Um, I've just got a question about, um-- what do you think, sort of out of all of your movies, do you think there's a scene that sort of sums up how you sort of view the world?" "Sort of, what is your-- perhaps a scene that sort of says, that's really what I want to say in movies." "And for Jay, what is your favorite scene out of all the movies you've done?" "That you think, I really, really liked that scene." "The scene that kind of sums up my entire body of work I think is when Silent Bob's swinging off a rope." "Puts his head in the changing room and catches a glimpse of a pair of titties." "That really sums me up best." "I don't know." "Was that-- that scene wound up getting cut out when we were talking to two hookers in "Jay and Bob?"" "Yeah, that was cut out." "But was it on the DVD?" "It was on the DVD." "So you know the scene, uh-- you tell what scene." "But that's the scene I enjoyed." "I really liked that scene, even though it got cut out." "But I think it's on the extras on the DVD, even though I haven't seen the extras on the DVD." "So I didn't know." "I know." "I think it's great that you're like, was that scene in the movie?" "Well, I knew it wasn't in the movie, but I wasn't sure if it was on the extras on the DVD." "Because I don't" " I don't really watch the extras so much." "Sometimes, a little bit." "Not into the commentary tracks and shit?" "Don't want to know?" "Don't want to see behind-the curtain?" "Ben behind the curtain?" " No." "Because then it all goes away." "This is real to me, these movies." "Every once in a while he wakes up in the middle of the night going, poop monster." "He was chasing me." "We got to run." "Does he know what scene before you cut him off?" "Do you know what scene I'm talking about, sir?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Unlike you, he's familiar with the DVD." "Maybe he didn't see it, though." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "Yeah, it's just a quick one about funding." "Now, are you at the stage in your" "About funding?" "Yeah." "Are you at the stage in your career now that you could just" "Sir, we want to go out on a good one, not like I have a question about financing." "Have you ever sat in the office with the suits and they said, you know, he's here again." "The guy who keeps promising to make the "Titanic" of comedy, but keeps delivering "The Avengers."" "I-- what?" "Wait, what?" "Kick his ass." "Were-- were you picking on me?" "Just a question." "The "Ti-- what is the" "You know, the "Titanic," bring in the mega-bucks." "Have-- have you ever been sat down and said, if your next film doesn't deliver, that's the end of the road?" "Oh, has anyone-- oh, OK." "Now "The Avengers" of comedy." "I was like, what?" "What, what, what?" "And fuck you, by the way." "No, it doesn't work like that." "And here's a brief kind of education in the movie business." "Theatrical release of any movie doesn't really fucking matter." "Essentially, now in the days of DVD and, you know, revenue streams that continue going long after the theatrical life of a film, theatrical is one big commercial for your DVD release." "Because theatrical box office, studio doesn't even take 100 % of it." "They only take like, what?" "45 %?" "Because the exhibitors get the rest." "And sometimes, they, of course, have to split up back end of a feature as well with some stars who were involved, or whatever." "So theatrical life, it doesn't matter" " I, mean the more you make at the box office, great." "It just means that there's more interest on DVD." "But ultimately, the real money is in DVD." "So we've always done really, really well on video." "That's why I continue to work." "So there's never been this scenario-- because I always read about critics of mine, people who hate me on the internet, who are just like, this is it." "After this one, he's done." "They'll never let him work again." "Woo-hoo." "Silent Bob's dead." "Long live me, internet guy." "You know." "And it's just like, you sit there chuckling." "Because it's like, dude, you have no idea how this shit works." "Like, I'll never not have a fucking job." "Because I never really make expensive movies." "And as long as I can always make back the initial investment plus a little on top," "I'll always work." "Like, that's the secret." "The secret is just not spend a lot of money." "Or really, essentially the secret is to not lose anybody a lot of money and to make them a little bit of profit." "Because then they'll keep you around." "If you could turn even a tiny profit for them, they'll keep you around because that's better than losing money." "So every movie we've done has eventually returned." "And some return a lot." "Like "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," we did $30 million in theaters." "We did $37 million on DVD." "You know, and they were ecstatic." "They were like, you guys made more on DVD than fucking theatrical." "Why don't you just make straight-to-DVD movies?" "Which ain't a bad idea, you know?" "There would be a lot more money to be made and a lot less risk being taken." "So I've never had the somebody sat me down conversation." "Harvey Weinstein going, if this one doesn't work, you're out of the fucking-- you're out of the club and we're putting you in movie jail." "You know." "It doesn't work like that." "That's why I like the internet." "It's hysterical." "Everyone's got a theory about how shit really work." "And it's just like, no." "So I'll continue." "I mean, the movies-- as long as they make this much money," "I'll continue to make shit." "It's the day that I make like the $80 million movie that makes $2." "You know, that's when you're like-- but you know, I'm smart enough to avoid that and shit like that." "So me, I like to keep my shit kind of inexpensive." "And even "Jersey Girl," which was like a lot for us," "$35 million, was kind of average, or below average for a studio film." "Like most studio movies now cost about $40, $45." "And ours was like $35." "And really, the whole movie wouldn't have cost that if Affleck didn't get paid $10 million to essentially fuck-up our movie." "So you know, without Affleck getting paid $10 million," "Jennifer got $4." "The movie would have cost around $20, $21 to make, which is pretty much what "Jay and Silent" "Bob Strike Back" cost to make." "So I tend to keep my shit responsible." "And because of that, I'll keep fucking working." "I don't have to deliver the "Titanic."" "I keep giving them "The Avengers"" "and they're like, bring it on." ""Avengers 9."" "Someone else." "That was good, but not great." "Yes." "Hi." "By the way, congratulations on the English accent." "It's spot-on." "Was it good?" "Definitely." "That's from watching a lot of Eddie Izzard." "Um, my question was about Jen." "I remember her writing something about, um, when she was going into labor." "Yes." "You flew her across from LA to New Jersey." "Uh-huh." "And I was just wondering why it was so important for you for Harley to be born in New Jersey?" "Well, we were in Los Angeles and she was-- they don't let-- it's weird." "This is something you only find out when you hang out with pregnant chicks." "They don't let pregnant women on airplanes if they're very close to term." "If you're like nine months, they won't let you on an airplane." "Because they don't want-- especially a cross-country jaunt." "Because they don't want to run the risk of you going into labor in the air and them having to land in a cornfield, or some such shit." "So they tend to keep them off." "And Jennifer, her water broke when we were in Los Angeles and they wanted her to go to the hospital." "You know, get ready for the fucking baby and shit." "And I was like, not out here." "We're not having a kid born in fucking Los Angeles." "Over my dead body." "And she was like, well, how are we going to get home?" "And I was like, we'll figure out a way." "Scott Mosier, my, producer, called up Harvey Weinstein and was like, uh, Jen's water just broke and Kev really wants her to have the baby in New Jersey." "And Harvey was like, uh-huh." "Scott's like, well, can we use the jet?" "And he was like, all right." "So they sent the jet." "Jet for us." "And we got on the jet." "And it was me, and Jen, and Mosier, and the guy up front driving the jet." "You know, four and a half hour flight." "During which, like Jen sat in one chair." "Me and Mosier sat across from her just like this." "And every once in a while, Mosier was like, should we get some hot towels?" "Because in TV and movies, they're always like, get some hot towels." "You know?" "We figured if we had some hot towels, we'd be good to go." "Just throw them under her and let shit drop." "But we made it all the way to Jersey." "And she didn't wind up having the baby for another week and shit like that." "So it was kind of a false alarm." "But we got a free jet ride out of it." "And we didn't even get to use it." "Like, jet." "You know, we could have sent Mosier into the bathroom, joined the mile high club and shit." "But she was all, you know, preggers and whatnot." "Do you like LA now?" "Do I like LA now?" "Uh, I like my house, which happens to be in LA." "If I could move my house to New Jersey, that'd be awesome." "And if we can change the weather patterns in New Jersey, so where it was like constantly 77 degrees like it is in Los Angeles, that would be awesome, too." "But not going to happen." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Um, superpowers." "What would you have?" "Both of you." "Superpowers." "Sir?" "Really?" "Yes, you." "Uh, oh, you're asking" " I don't know." "Um, oh, fuck." "Fly, I guess." "I guess I would want to fly." "Such a commitment there." "I want to fly." "Just fucking fly." "Fly." "Fly." "I hadn't really thought about superpower." "I'd want them all if I really could fucking have superpowers." "The ability to be Polish and American at the same time?" "Maybe." "Yeah." "That'd be pretty" " That wouldn't be super, though." "That wouldn't be super?" "Super-stretchy cock would" " I would get that." "Because then I could have the big cock and shit all the time." "And then you could suck it, too." "That's it, sir." "Stretchy cock."