"The Germans have said auf wiedersehen to the Deutschmark." "And the Portuguese have said whatever to their thing." "Go!" "Now it's our turn to say goodbye to Sterling." "This Christmas we are going to get the euro." "Goodbye old pound." "Everyone says we are going to miss you." " Come on!" " Faster!" "Faster!" " Hey come on!" " Faster!" "I can't see ya!" "Where are you?" "I'm over here!" "This is the main drag along here." "That's Portland." "Bisecting that at right angles, is Lundy on that side." "On this side there's Fastnet." "What's yours?" "Cromarty." "Cromarty and German Bight." "Cul de sacs." "Over here." " I've come through." " Come on!" "Come on, Damian!" "There's a train coming!" "Keep pedalling." "Come on!" "Faster!" " Beat ya!" " Come on!" "I'm gonna call it Serendipity." " What does that mean?" " I don't know." " Anyway it's number twenty." " Upstairs!" " This is my room." " And mine." "Get your own room." "The patron saint of house removals is Saint Anne." " Did you know that?" " No, I didn't know that, no." "Yeah, she lived in the desert, obviously." "And when she wanted to move house." "Angels came, picked up her house and took it to Italy." "Handy." "She was Our Lady's mother." "What you on about Damian?" "Saint Anne." "I've got a picture." "Look." "I don't care, just get in the car, will ya?" "We're going'." "Go on!" "Get in the car!" " Was she in it at the time?" " Who?" "Saint Anne." "When the angels did the... you know the airlift?" "I don't know." "Start with the money." "That's what our Anthony says." "That's what people want to know about." "Like if you're moving house... you don't say 'we're moving house and the new one has got a green door.'" "You say how much you're paying." "How much you got for the old one." "Mortgage." "Interest rates." "Stamp duty." "Solicitor's fees." "How much you'll get if the new one goes up in value." "That's called equity." "Personally, I think, 'so what?" "'" "Money's just a thing." "And things change." "One minute something's there and you can cuddle up to it." "The next minute it's gone." "Like a Malteser." "That goes in the kitchen." "Is this fantastic or what?" "Surprisingly spacious, with attractive views." "Oh, that's Anthony's." "That must go upstairs and..." "And anyway, in the end, it turns out it wasn't about the money after all." "That's it lads." "Up to the main bedroom." "Has anyone seen where the phone points are?" "Eh, where do I plug this in?" "Oh, right, yeah." "Oh that looks good, that does." "Right this is what we're having' tonight, yeah?" "Before Countdown, put the oven on." "After Countdown, get a packet of these, put them in there with some oven chips, yeah?" "It's for mum." "The time is on here, yeah." "Ok." "That's how long they have to stay in." "By the time they're ready, I'll be back." "She may already have won ten thousand pounds." "Her name has been entered in a draw." " All she has to do is..." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Thank you." "Hands?" "Other sides." "Let's go." "Come on!" "That's you." "Get your bags." "And your book bag, Damian." "Keyssss..." "Now remember it's no good being clever, you've got to be the cleverest, yeah?" " Alright." "See ya Dad." " Good luck lads." "See ya." "Are you nervous?" "A bit." "So everybody sitting up nicely?" "Excellent." "Now we are talking, today, about people we admire." " Dminic?" " Roy Keane, Sir, Manchester United." "Very good, Roy Keane." "What about you Barry?" " Van Nistelrooy, sir." " Van Nistelrooy, right." "Anyone got any heroes who don't play for United?" " Jack?" " Robbie Fowler, Sir, City." "Alright, that's enough." "Tricia?" "I don't know any footballers, sir." "Well, it doesn't have to be a footballer, it could be... anyone." " Don't know sir." " No?" "Damian?" "Saint Roch, sir." " Who's he play for?" " No one sir, he's a Saint." "Oh that's better, go on." "He was so worried that he might say something bad." "That he said nothing at all for twenty years." "We could do with a couple like him in this class." "Thank you, Damian." "I like a lot of virgin martyrs too." "Like Saint Agatha." "She ripped her own eyes out, so she wouldn't have to marry this man." "Or Saint Katherine of Alexandria." "They tried to kill her by crushing her to death on a wheel." "But she made the wheel explode and all the splinters killed people in the crowd." "The patron Saint of fireworks." "That's where we get the Catherine wheel from." "I did say thank you, Damian." "Right, I brought in this picture." "This is a hero of mine." "Who knows who this is?" " Nelson Mandela?" " Fantastic, Nelson Mandela." "I should be careful what you talk about." "Try talking about football or something." "Keep off the weird stuff." "Just don't be conspicuous or you won't fit in." "Aero and a Yorkie please." "And five juicy lips." "Haven't seen you two here, before." "We just moved here." "Our mam's dead." "Yeah, well go on, you're alright." " Thanks." " God bless." "Who's next?" "Works every time." "You tell them your mam's dead and they give you stuff, every time." "I'm your..." "Community Policeman." "Obviously there is no community here as yet, not to speak of, but you know..." "Anyway the first thing to say is, these new houses and Christmas coming up." "Statistically you're going to get burgled." "Now, not all of you, but some of you, soon." "Probably this week, next." "When you are, call me." "I'll give you a crime number and then you can make a claim on your insurance." "Building maintenance?" "Yeah, that's right, yeah." "Yeah, I'm usually right, it's a knack." "Do you mind me asking?" "Is the kettle actually on?" "I'm..." "Oh, sorry." "Yes?" "Isn't the problem here, that our houses are built on sand?" "Sand?" "No." "They're not are they?" "If you store up your treasure on earth it will be stolen." "But if you give it away, then it can't be stolen." "Mormons?" "Well, Latter Day Saints." "Saints?" "I know all about them..." "Errr..." "Damian, go and give Terry a hand in the kitchen will you?" "You too Anthony, off you go, good lads." "Now, some of you are going to be burgled." "There are things I can tell you, that will lower the odds of it being you personally." "It's a bit anti-social, because if it isn't you then it'll be next door, but ha-ha there you go." "Our mam's dead." "Here." "Go on, help yourself." "Take as many as you like, son." "Result." "Is it completely honest?" "Completely dead isn't she?" "What?" "What do you want?" "Can't you see I'm busy?" "Just go away." "I don't like having my own room." "Clare of Assisi," "Eleven Ninety Four till Twelve Fifty Three?" "That's right." "I used to have a hermitage, myself, once." "I used to go and hide up there." "If anyone needed me, I'd send them a vision, sort them out." "That's why I'm the patron saint of television." "I was like... human television." "You're the patron saint of television?" "Keeps me busy." "You know?" "Are you allowed to smoke then?" "You can do what you like up there, son." "It's down here, you have to make the effort." "Do you ever come across a Saint Maureen?" "She hasn't been there long." "Don't ring a bell." "Then again, it is infinite up there." "Absolutely bloody infinite." "Listen..." "Dad." "What is it anyway?" "What are you doing with all these boxes?" " What's that?" " Wait and see." "Where did you get that?" "You can see it too then?" "Well... you know... sometimes you see things." "Don't you?" "And other people can't see them." "What?" "Well... you know... sometimes, but this is real though." "This is real." "This is real" "Can't wait to tell dad." "You can't tell dad about this." "You can't tell anyone about this." "Why not?" "Tax." "If the government find out about this, they'll take forty percent of it away." "Forty percent!" "Do you know how much that is?" "Nearly all of it." "Shall we count it before we go?" "No, we can't we're really late." "How much?" "How much?" "There's thousands." "Ten thousand." " Fifty thousand." " Seventy." "Two hundred thousand." "Millions even." "Patch..." "Jenga." "Oink." "Oink." "Oink." "Oink." "Promise not to tell anyone." "What is it?" " How much is it?" " Thousands." "Hundreds." "It's just hundreds." "No one else knows." "So if anyone finds out, we'll know it's you." "Ok?" "Anyone finds out we know it's you." "No one else knows." "Just me and you." "Here." "Thanks." "Yeah, just keep it shut." "Two hundred and twenty nine thousand, five hundred and twenty pounds, minus... a hundred quid each, spending money." "Leaves two hundred and twenty nine thousand, three hundred and twenty quid." "And we're going to give all that to the poor." "Where you going to find poor people?" "There's loads of poor people." "Not round here." "The house prices keep them out." "Go on." "Go." "Go." "Go on." "Go." "Go." "Go on." "Go." "Go." "Go." "Go on." "Go on." "Francis of Assisi?" "Eleven eighty one till twelve twenty six." "You did this didn't you?" "My first act as a Saint." "What was your next one?" "Washing a leper." "A leper?" "You could just help the poor Damian." "Big Issue." "Help the homeless." "Big Issue anyone?" "Oh hello." "And keep the change." "Oh, thanks mate, I've had nothing to eat all day." "Oh we're going to Pizza Hut, want to come." "No... no." "She doesn't." "She just wants more money." " We haven't got any more." " No I fancy pizza actually." "Can I bring my friend?" "Meat feast, deep and juicy, stuffed crust mate." "Two meat feast thin and crispy." " Ah a big New Yorker." " A combo platter." " Do us a farmhouse." " I'll have some garlic bread love." "We'll all have some garlic bread won't we?" "And Dippin' Chicken." "To share." "This is great." "Anthony thought there were no poor people round here." "Because of the house prices." "Well they're not from round here." " Come in on the bus." " I come in on the train." "Couldn't afford to live round here." "Who exactly is paying for all this?" "We are." " You must be minted!" " Yeah we are." "No... no, we're not." "It's birthday money." "His birthday money, he saved it." " Puddings?" " Yes please." "No." "One hundred and sixty eight quid." "Do you know how many times we'd have to visit Pizza Hut to get rid of all the money?" "One thousand, three hundred and three point five one seven times." "It's just not practical." "We should buy property." "See this house, we could buy two like that." "If they knocked some off the asking price." "And if we did buy property, that'll go up in value." "So we'd have even more money." "Damian?" "Excuse me?" "Are you poor?" "Beg your pardon?" "Are you poor?" "Are you asking for money?" "Me?" "No." "Because we don't have any." "We live in a community, you know, it's very basic." "We don't have a dishwasher for instance or a microwave." "And there's no cash kept on the premises." "So you are poor?" "In a sense, yes." "Brilliant!" "Invergi." "Invergi" "St. Nicholas of Myra?" "Sanctus quartus saeculus sum..." "Patronus de nautae et, vero, natalis." "It won't all fit." "El fini errant centi cetus poplas" "Saint Nicholas?" "Do you ever come across a Saint Maureen?" " Ques?" " Saint Maureen." "She's new." "Quat facki abat?" "Skin care." "She worked on the make-up counter at Selfridges." "Sel-frid-ges?" "To betal?" "Est a quero publican rodeo." "It's less than a fortnight to E-day." "That's when Britain completes transition to the European Monitory Union." "The EMU." "Oh with twelve days left to E-day, my true love said to me." "The transitional exchange rate is fixed at sixty seven p." "Oh!" "Well all I can say is..." "ding dong" "After E-day your old money will no longer be legal tender." "Wish pounds goodbye and euros..." "Hello." "We don't have to queue up." "Here we go." "How much have you actually got?" "Plenty." " Anthony Cunningham." " Where's your dad?" "My dad?" "Well he's not coming." "Eh?" "Yeah, he's not coming yet." "He said to start without him." "Start what without him?" "The job is to show him around the apartment." "How can I do that, if he isn't here?" "He gave me this." "Show me around and I'll fill him in afterwards." "It's what we usually do." "We're looking at this for our investment portfolio." "Not as a residence." "Has it kept it's value?" "It's gone up twenty percent in the last two years, because of the schools." "He does send you to school doesn't he?" "Or do you just look at photos of them?" "Flood lights." "Scoreboards." "Stadium." "It's the dogs bollocks this, family heirloom." "Fifty quid?" "Fifty quid?" "You could buy a proper football team for that." "I could buy Crewe Alexander for that." "Yeah but..." "this has got managers." "Dan Leavy and Malcolm Allinson" "Never heard of him." "Deal." "You said you would for five quid." "I didn't know you were going to get five quid did I?" "Ten quid then?" "Look, I've got a good body." "Twenty quid, last offer." "Martyrs of Uganda, eighteen eighty one?" "That's right." "Ohhhh sorry about that." "I was beheaded." "See." "Before that I was in construction." "I don't know who built this, but they were a right cowboy." "I built it myself." "Well, you'll see what we can do." "But I can't promise anything." "Why not?" "There's plenty of you." "Yes, come on welcome." "Hello." "What are they singing?" "They are praying for rain." "Where I come from... people have to pay a tenth of their daily income on water." "It's so expensive that they can't afford to wash their hands." "So they get disease." "You don't need fancy hospitals or medicines to make life better, just a well." "And you... can build a well for as little as one hundred pounds." "That's fantastic!" "Thanks." "I'm sorry I don't know who you are." "Mutual that then." "This yours?" "Nice." "Near a railway." " What's in there?" " Nothing really." " What's this?" " A dress." "It was my mums." "What are you looking for?" "Money." "Are you poor?" "What?" "Damian, come in." "Anthony to Damian..." "What's that?" " Damian, where are you?" " My brother I've got to go." "I'll come back." "I've got loads." "Just wait there." " Loads of what?" " Money." "Just wait there." "Five... four..." "three... two..." "Who's that?" "A poor person and you said there weren't any." "I know." "But who is it?" "I don't know." "Just someone." "What do you mean 'someone'?" "Did he do anything to you?" " What sort of things?" " Never mind." "Look people are weird." "You've got to be more careful." "You shouldn't really talk to them." "Anyway I've told him now." " Told him what?" " That we have tons of money." "He's poor." "What?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Leave it to me." "Where is he then?" "I don't know." "He was here a minute ago." "See." "Loads of money." "We've been saving it up for ages." "You can have it if you need it." "Come on Damian." "You'll have to change it quickly." "Do you think that was really enough?" "More than enough." "That's him completely sorted out." "Right." "Have you given money to anyone else?" "Not really." "What?" "It wasn't that much." "Just like a bagful." " What's that?" " Scuba scooter." "It goes at ten mile an hour for up to five hours." "We could have one of them." "We could have one each." "We could have a whole fleet." "She's nice." "Huh!" "I've seen better." "Close the door." "Look you can see it protruding." " What is it?" " It's a nipple." "What's it for?" "Well it's for feeding babies." "Did mum have one?" "Two." "They've all got two." "And did she feed us with them?" "Yeah, course she did." "I remember." "You can't remember when you were a baby." "I don't remember her doing it to me." "I remember her doing it to you." "Anthony?" "What?" "I thought you'd done the washing up?" "I did it!" "What do you call that glob?" "Hello what's your name?" "Keegan." "Alright, K, what's happened to your finger?" "That's quality." "Pure scary, pure scary." "Hey, give me your money." "Come on, empty your pockets." "Hey you!" "Excuse me, excuse me!" "Give me all your money." "Come on, every copper." "Who feels sorry for poor children?" "Correct answer." "Everybody sitting up nicely?" "Ok." "So, as you know, we're going to have new money in the New Year." "Does anybody know how much a euro is worth in pounds?" "Yes." " Sixty seven p." " Spot on." "Here, there's a little prize for you." "It's your own euro converter." "Now!" "Who else wants one?" "Anybody?" " Me!" " Ohh." "Everybody." "Ok." "So, who can tell me how much two pence is worth in euros?" "Mmm." "Well I'll tell you." "It's worth not very much." "Almost nothing." "To you." "But if we all put our two pences together." "Then we'll have a lot of two pences won't we?" "Yes." "How many people are there here?" "One... two... three... four..." "Five... six... seven... eight..." "Two hundred and fifty." "Sorry?" "There's two hundred and fifty in the school." "Oh clever clogs head master." "Ok two hundred and fifty." "So if you each gave me two pence, then I'd have five pounds." "It's not that much here." "But in Ethiopia five pounds could feed a family for a week." "And if you all gave me two two pences, then we'd have a tenner." "And that's enough to provide that village with a source of clean water forever." "It's no good to you." "So chuck it in the bin." "Excuse me." "Give me all your money!" "Come on, every copper." "Get out of my way." "Hey you!" "Hey, give me your money!" "Come on." "Empty your pockets." "Hello, what's your name?" "Damian." "Hi Damian." "I'm the Bin." "Hello Bin." "Damian, you'll give me some money won't you?" "Yeah." "What did you do?" "You did it again didn't you?" "What?" "I saw what you did." "How much?" "Not much." "She's nice." "I've been thinking." "Why don't we give the money to her?" "So how did it go?" "Well..." "A thousand!" "What did you bring a thousand to school for?" "Can't you see that that's suspicious?" "It's not suspicious." "It's unusual." "How can it be suspicious?" "It's our money." "Right you lot outside..." "come on." "Right, that's enough messing around." "Do you know in Africa you can build a well for as little as a hundred pounds." "Just listen." "It was the most daring, most brilliant, cleverest and biggest robbery on record, ever." "The train was here." "The train, the one with the money," "Used notes." "Right the van comes up onto the platform... here." "It's a railway van so no one takes any notice." "Until..." "They jump out of this van and some of them got hold of the driver." "Some of them start shifting the money." "By this time rapid response has been mobilised." "Alright, let's go." "Come on!" "The van drives off with a reckless disregard for life." "Rapid response goes after it." "There's... armed units." "Dog handlers." "Helicopters." "Throw everything at them." "The train stays here." "An ambulance comes, takes the driver to hospital." "Get another driver." "The CID count the bags." "There's only one missing." "Then rapid response corner the van." "Trapped." "The robbers dropped the lot and they leg it!" "They've got no chance, except..." "Newcastle United versusArsenal at Highbury." "One all." "Disappointing result for the gunners." "Please advise car, I think we've lost them." "They don't catch the men." "But that's alright because when they get back to the van... there's the missing bag." "How do you..." "how do you know all that?" "His uncle works for the police." "The van has gone." "The train is in the station." "And the cops are in the cop shop making tea." "Where are the robbers?" "Where's the last place you're going to look?" " Our house?" " Maybe." "So the train moves off with a new driver and all the money." "On the train." "The money was on the train and so was a robber?" "Lateral thinking." "The money stays on the train, but so does a robber." "He sits tight." "And every time the train comes to a slow bend he chucks a sack of money out." "They've got people waiting all over the country." "Could be Stafford or Crewe." "Could be Preston or Wigan." "Runcorn, it could be." "Could be here." "Damian." "Damian." "Calm down." "It'll be alright." "No one knows it was us." "I don't care." "Leave me alone." "What you have to tell me for?" "Because I wanted you to know the truth." "We have to give it back." "No... no we can't do that." "They were going to burn it." "Now come on, it isn't the money's fault it got stolen." " I thought it was from God." " What?" "Well you know sometimes you tell people about mam and they give you money or sweets." "Well I told God and... well who else would have that kind of money?" "Well... in a funny..." "God doesn't rob banks, alright." "God does not rob banks." "Office." "Now." "Your father's on his way." "Come in." "The Mormons!" "You stole money from mormons?" "Would you like to tell us why you did it Anthony?" "Our mam's dead." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey Anthony come here." "Anthony, Damian, come here." "Ok." "Team talk." "Your mother," "She would not want you, to stand around crying or to steal things." "She wants you to get on with your lives and do the best you can." "Make her proud, son, eh?" "And not, you know... cry." "Ok." "So let's stop crying eh?" "And stealing things." "Let's stop that too." "Get in the car." "Don't ever do that to me again." "Look." "I'm really sorry it was me." "I didn't mean to cause any trouble or anything." "No you did right." "They stole it, what could you do?" "They did give it to a good cause." "I wouldn't have done that at their age." "They must be..." "you did a good job." "Thanks." "Are you from the social?" "No." "I'm just a visitor." "I go round the schools collecting for this water thing." "And try and tell them about the change over, you know." "Making sure that the kids understand it." "Does anyone understand it?" "Sometimes they are a bit confused, until I talk to them." "And then..." "They're really confused." "I'm sorry." "They're very sorry." "I've sent them to bed." "I want you to know that it won't happen again." "Do you mind me asking how you came to have so much cash in the house?" "It was a donation." "It was left here anonymously." "And you weren't suspicious about that?" "No, we pray a lot and we thought it was the answers to our prayers." "Only it has been mentioned that you spent close to five thousand pounds in Comet..." "A few days ago." "Digital television." "Mircowave oven." "Dishwasher." "Foot spa." "Did you actually pray for all of these things?" "We were praying for comfort and encouragement." "I think we felt comforted and encouraged." "By the foot spa?" "And the dishwasher." "Samaritans." "Oxfam." "Christian Aid." "For Christ's sake, don't tick them little boxes." "The ones about putting you in touch with like-minded organisations." "You'll be besieged man." "I'm telling you!" "Saint Peter, died AD sixty four." "Alright, don't remind us." "The money... it's robbed." "I know." "Patron Saint of keys, locks and general security, man." "Including up there." "I'm on the door." "Is it still alright, if it's robbed?" "Can you still do good with it or should you give it back?" "I thought it was a miracle, but it is just robbed." "Damian." "Listen." "One day I was with you know who, Jesus." "And he went up into the mountains and thousands of people followed him." "The police said five thousand, five thousand." "Everybody knows this story." "Loaves and fishes." "See, I knew you'd say that." "That's what everybody says." "This yours?" "It's the key to the old house." "Jointed pin tumbler Engineering perfection." "Anyway, this kid comes up to us, about your size," "His name was..." "no I have forgotten." "I still see him sometimes." "Anyway he comes up with these loaves and fishes." "Sardines." "And Jesus blesses them and passes the plate round." "Now the first person he passes it to, passes it on." "He doesn't take anything." "He just passes it on." "Do you know why?" "Because he had a piece of lamb hidden in his pocket." "And as he is passing the fish, he sneaks a bit of meat out and pretends he's taken it off the plate." "Do you see what I'm saying?" "And the next person exactly the same story." "Every single bastard one of them has their own food." "And every one of them is keeping it quiet." "Looking after number one." "But as that plate went round with the sardines on" "They all got their own food out and started to share." "And then that plate went all the way round" "And back to Jesus and it'd still got the fish and the loaves on it." "I think Jesus was a bit taken aback." "He says, 'what happened?" "'" "And I just said 'miracle'." "And at first I thought I'd fooled him." "But now I see it was a miracle, one of his best." "But this little kid had stood up and..." "Everybody there just got bigger." "Do you understand what I'm talking about?" "Not really." "I'm talking about you." "Now I'm really lost." "You're trying too hard." "That kid he wasn't planning on doing a miracle." "He wasn't planning anything, except lunch." "Something that looks like a miracle turns out to be dead simple." "But what am I going to do with all this?" "I just want to be good." "Look I can't say too much about this, because of that whole free will thing." "Right?" "But... see this key?" "Keep it safe." "Alright?" "And I'll have a word upstairs..." "See if I can get somebody on your case more permanent." "It's three days left to e-day, my true love said to me." "Convert your change or donate to charity." "Huummmmm, marvellous." "There are just three days left to e-day." "Remember the money in your bank account has already been converted." "The easiest way to change any cash you have is to pay it into your account." "The Sterling becomes Euros the moment it's paid in." "And if you don't have an account, why not open one today?" "Can I help you at all?" "We'd like to open a bank account." " Is your mum and dad with you?" " No." "Well I need an adult signature." "I need proof of who you are." "Oh we thought of that." "Leisure pass." "I'm afraid you're going to have to ask your mum to come in." "This isn't enough." "Just ask your mum to come in." " We can't." " Why not?" "Our mam's dead." "There's two free euros in here" "And you can keep the rest of your money in it." "It's the best I can do." "I told you." "We should have bought a house." "Right if we can't hide it, at least we can spend it." " Hello." " Now that is quality." "That is amazing." "I can see you." "Can you see me?" "Yeah." "Not here, on there." "Not as well." "I can see you in mine." "This is fantastic." "Anthony." "Why don't we give the money to the lady with the bin?" "It's not ours and we're never going to spend it all." "She could do good with it." "We just gave her a grand and look at the trouble it caused." "And if we gave her two hundred we'll end up in jail." "We're on our own now Damian." "Don't let me down." "Hello." "The speaker went on the bin." "Your dad said he'd fix it." "So I said I'd cook for him." "So you get a decent meal for once." "I'm a fantastic cook." "Aren't I a fantastic cook, Damian?" "The size of that school bag." "You'll give yourselvesa hernia, is that all homework?" " No." " Yeah." "Er, costumes for the nativity play." "I suppose it is homework really." "I love a nativity play, can I see them?" " Yeah." " No." "It's private." "Private property..." "of the school." "It will spoil the surprise." "Am I going to go too?" "Are you going to get me some tickets?" "Well I suppose so." "Well I didn't even know they were in it." "I get told nothing you know, nothing." "Are you going to come and do some chopping?" "It's lasagne, your favourite." "Where was the highwaymanan, Dick Turpin, hanged in seventeen thirty nine?" " York." " How did you know that?" " It's York." " Glasgow..." "Carlisle..." "He knows everything your dad." " Norwich..." "York..." " Why don't you go on it, you'd be great, wouldn't he, he'd be great." "Fifty fifty please." "It's York!" "You'd be a lot less frustrated if you went on yourself." "Damian, tell him to go on." "You'd like to have a million pounds wouldn't you?" "It's not a million pounds." "It's a million euros." "That's only about..." "Six hundred and twenty three thousand, one hundred pounds at today's prices." "At least somebody has been listening." "Told you it was York." "Jim, I'm so sorry the answer is York." "We're supposed to go to bed when this is finished." "Yeah right, go to bed." "But you're supposed to read us a story." " I'll get off." " I'll see you out." "I'll see you out too." "I know." "Come again soon." " Sucker for women." " Sucker for men." "Don't forget I want to seethat nativity play." "Your dad'llforget." "Go and get your pyjamas on." "They're good lads." "Nice to have someone to talk to once in a while, though." "Yeah." "Thanks." "I had a great evening." "I know what she's after." "We can't leave it here." "We're going to have tokeep it with us... all the time." "Fill your school bag." "And don't let it out your sight." "Guard it with your life, whatever happens." " Ok?" " Ok." "Damian?" "Have you any room?" " Have youany room?" " No, Damian," "Damian he's tired, he's walked here all the way from Nazareth." "He's tired." "He's very, very tired." " Well..." " Tired." "The walk fromNazareth, people did that all the time." "And he was a carpenter." "So he was very fit." "He wasn't tired." "He was excited." "His wife was going to have a baby." "They weren't expecting to go to sleep." "Ok." "You say excited." "I say tired." "Let's try nervous?" "Ok?" "Shall we start again?" "Joseph the Worker, first century, dates uncertain?" "I wouldn't have said nervous." "I would have said focused." "Well, have you any room?" "What did he want to bring her for?" "You invited her." "Beginners." "Beginners positions." "Damian, come on." "The word went out from Julius Caesar." "Caesar..." "Caesar Augustus that everybody had to go to their home town to be taxed." "So Mary and Joseph set out for Bethlehem." "# Little Donkey, # Little Don." "Key." "# On the dusty road..." "Do you know how much a piece of gold that big would be worth at today's prices?" "A lot." "An awful lot." "I wonder what happened to it?" "Because he was poor after that." "I wonder what he spent it on." "Can we please loose the anachronistic bag?" "I don't think they had Addidas in the first century." "Far away to the East, three wise men saw a star." "Thanks girls." "Look a star!" "Let's follow it." "# Come, they told me, # par um pa pa pa pum" "# A new born King to see, # par um pa pum pum" "No, Saint Maureen." "I don't think I have heard of her." "Is she a virgin martyr?" "I don't think so." "Here he is." "He's always got those bags with him." "Pom pom pom..." "Do you remember me?" "Mmmm...?" "I'm the poor man." "Damian Cunningham, what are you doing there?" "Come on, where should you be?" "Where should you be, you should be in Bethlehem, come on." "I can't believe you've got..." "no go back... go back." "As for these." "What have I told you about these?" "I've told you before." "Ssshhhhh." "Back out!" "Back out!" "Back out!" "Shhhhh!" "Back on!" "Back on!" "They tried first at one inn." "Do you have any room at this inn?" "No sorry, we're fully booked." "Do you have any room at this inn?" "We haven't any room, but we've got a stable." "So he took them to the stable..." "Oh, this is nice and cosy, Joseph... and cosy Joseph..." "I said this is nice and cosy Joseph." "Damian?" "Damian?" "Yes, this is where our Lord Baby Jesus will be born." "And so our Saviour came, bringing peace to all the earth." "# Silent night, Holy night..." "Quick, come on!" "You stay there." "Oh no the keys!" "Oh no!" "Damian!" " What you doing?" " Dad!" "Come here!" "Oh God!" "Come here!" "Come here!" "It's alright." "Let's get you down." "What were you doing?" " Is he all right, Dad?" " There we go," " What's he doing?" " Good lad." "Well he found it!" "Ltjust fell out of the sky." "Right in front of me." "I thought it was from God." "From God?" "It's not really his thing is it, handing out cash?" "Why would God hand out..." "Two hundred and twenty nine thousand, three hundred and twenty pounds." "Blimey!" "I was going to give it to the poor, but it was really hard." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Anthony said not to, because of the tax." "We could keep some of it though couldn't we, like a reward?" " Get in." " Oh!" "So what are we going to do with it then?" "We're going to hand it in." "All of it." "Well what else can we do?" "It's not ours is it?" "Hello?" "I called round, the door was open." "I've called the police." "I thought you might have come home." "Everyone gets burgled at Christmas, Dad." "This will be your crime number." "So you can get on to your insurance company." "Of course they can't really recompense you for this." "I mean they can't give you your Christmas back can they?" "Probably be next Christmas by the time you get anything back." "I don't suppose you've got any serial numbers, security codes, anything like that?" "No?" "Well, wouldn't make any difference." "It's very rare we get anything back." "Very rare." "Whe know the stolen currency is around here somewhere." "That's what this is all about." "But they can't do anything about it." "All the banks have been warned to look out for anyone making any large deposits." "And of course, it's only one day or two, before they realise that the money is worthless." "What's that?" "It's nothing, it's nothing." "It's just my stuff." "Oh dad, don't." "Oh my God!" "This is what they were after." "That's a lot of money." "Where did it come from?" "They took our Christmas." "We'll take their cash." " You can't keep it." " You're going to keep it?" "It belongs to the government." "They were going to burn it." "They were going to burn all this money, that's a crime if you ask me." " Definitely." " But stealing is wrong." "If you steal something, you have to steal it from somebody." "Who would we be stealing it from?" "It's not right!" "Damian, my house has just been ransacked." "I work every second God sends just to cover the mortgage, to give you a decent home." "And now it's been wrecked." "I am owed this." " But Da..." " Go to bed." "Now!" " Do you want a story?" " It's wrong." " Who says?" " God." "Yeah, well." "Yeah, well what?" " Don't you want to go to heaven?" " Look around you, Damian." "We're on our own." "No one is smiling down on us Damian." "No one is is looking out for us." "So we're looking out for ourselves." " But mam..." " Is dead." "She's dead, Damian." "You'll never see her again." "And neither will I." "And the money, is ours." "We'll take it to town tomorrow and change it and spend it, do you hear me?" "All of it, because it's ours." "I know you've got it." "It's mine." "And you're going to change it tomorrow." "And that's a good thing." "Ok?" "When you come back." "I'm going to call you on this phone." "Open the front door." "Let me in." "And we'll take the money." "And you won't have to worry about it any more." "Understand?" "You make sure your phone's switched on." "...fifteen." "You take one side and we'll take the other and then swap." " All right." " Ok change what you can and what you can't change spend." "Have a ball!" "You do realise, you just kissed goodbye to the money." "Come on let's get cracking." "She's going to run off with it, you must know that?" " Come on!" " How can she, she's got Damian?" "She'll kidnap him, hold him to ransom for the rest of the money." "No, Anthony, that's what you'd do." "Come on." "Ok, you wait here all right?" "It's mine." "We'll have to change more than this." " No!" " What?" "That's the whole point, do it in small amounts and no one will be suspicious." "Look at the queue." "Look at the time." "We'll be lucky to get round three banks at this rate." "You'll be lucky to stay out the jail." " Go on!" " What?" "It's just quite a lot in the circumstances." "It's five thousand quid." "It's the front half of a Ford Fiesta." "Is this a bank or a sweet shop?" " What?" " I need a wee." "Tell her that." "Can I use your loo?" " Well I'm not sure..." " Well I'm not queuing up again, the poor kid's been in here half an hour." "You must have a loo?" "What do you do when you need to go?" "Ok, just this once." "You'll have to go here." "I don't really need one." "You little belter." "I just can't see why it's so difficult." "I need a wee." "It's the front half of a Ford Fiesta, as far as I'm concerned, that's..." "I need a wee." "I need a wee." "Today's the day, that Britain enters a new currency era." "You must spend or bank any remaining old money today." "It's now or never." "Use it or lose it." "At midnight tonight, it's euros only for British business." "Well if you say so for business..." "business is... now what was your name." " What?" " I've got an idea." " What?" " Dollars." "Change it into dollars now and change it into euros whenever." "Actually once all the excitement's over the euro will most likely drop in value." "So we'll probably get a better exchange rate this way too." " What?" " Where did I get you?" "They've got a bank in there." "It stays open late." "You know everything, you do, don't you?" "Yeah." "What's wrong?" "How did you know about the bank?" "Is this where your mum worked?" "In here?" "Well stay there then." "You'll be alright." "I'll come straight back for you." "I'll do this one." "Ok?" "Don't look." "This is where your mum used to work." "Nice." "Best get a move on, huh?" "Go on." "Damian?" "What you doing?" "Hey, what's up?" "Did you think I'd run off and left you?" "Did you?" "Well I didn't, did I?" "No, you didn't." " The bank's upstairs." " It's closed." "And I've had a much better idea." "Come on." "Let's go and stuff our faces." "Oh I could have had my eye out." "Where are the glasses?" "Damian, wants to give his to the poor." "Do you?" "Of course they won't be poor anymore, once you've given it to them." "What'll do you do then, take it back?" "Speaking of which..." "Right mystery activity..." "champagne." "...follow me." "A woman opens the door in her nightie and I thought funny place to keep a door..." " This is your fault this." " What is?" "You don't even know, do you?" "You brought her and you don't even know." "What are you on about?" "Can you hear them laughing?" "Even he's laughing." "Listen." "Very good." "Once she's got what she came for, she'll piss off again." "Then he won't be laughing will he?" "It will all start again like when mam died." " He'll be angry..." " Maybe... she, you know, she won't, she'll stay." "Oh great!" "Much better." "Is that what you want?" "Her in there with him instead of mam?" "Why are you angry with me?" "Because you did it." "You and your weird stuff." "Chucking money away." "Talking to yourself." "Seeing things." "I don't." "I mean maybe I do, but..." "And me!" "Sticking up for you." "For what?" "The truth is, you're a loony!" "Don't say that, Anthony." "Please don't say that!" "You're just a fucking loony and you should be locked up." "Be at the front door with the money in ten minutes." "Damian!" "We were..." "I was just..." "Dad, don't answer it." " Dad don't." " What is going on." "Please!" "See this little girls." "My girls." "These girls Santa Claus forgot." "You're our last hope." "We haven't got a heater home." "Because no point going back if you don't help ...took it out." " Just..." " Who is it?" " Excuse me please." "Wheelchair like these need your help." "Fifty percent of families with a chronically ill child, break up." "You're maybe asking yourself why these Waterloo station need friends." "Oh, Let me explain." "This is a mid of night." "This is a privat time." "Who are you?" "Get out please." "Get mind." "Just leaving." "Go on, you and your..." "get out." " Come on" " Two euro's a month..." " It's absolutely..." " Would you be prepared to consider a direct debit." "Just shut up, will you?" "Damian?" "Damian?" "This is that same donkey as he looks after just a few months in our sanctuary." " I think you'll agree..." " All right love." "Put him down." "Shall we?" "You'd better tell me how this started?" "I've no idea." "Some one must have said something strange." "Digital?" "Yeah that's right, yeah." "How do you find it?" "I'm yet to be convinced." "Well you can come and have a look, when you get rid of that lot." "Mmm." "One step at a time, eh?" "Any chance of a bit of toast?" "You do that, I'll have a look around." "Evening, lad." "You." " Where is he?" " I don't know." " Ha?" "Where is he?" " Upstairs." "Peaceful isn't it?" "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "Who are you?" "We're the police." "Oh." "I know you're only a dream." "But I don't care." "It's nice to see you." "Even if you're just a dream." "The money just makes everything worse." "I've got something for you." "From Readers Digest." "Here." "You may have already won ten thousand pounds." "Please will you talk to me?" "Five minutes." "Ok?" "Now, don't interrupt." "I'm dead." "I know what I'm talking about, ok?" "You need to use conditioner on your hair." "Your dad won't think of that, but it makes all the difference." "Me?" "You are not to worry about me." "You have been worrying about me, haven't you?" "I'm fine." "Anthony." "He seems to have taken it better than you." "But he hasn't." "He's got a good heart, he just... he doesn't know where it is." "Damian?" "He's going to need you." "Be good to him." "Dad doesn't believe." "Doesn't believe what?" "Any of it." "Anything." "He mustn't do or he wouldn't." "Couldn't you talk to him?" " He can't see me." " Oh." "Is it because of the money?" "In a way." "The money makes it harder to see what's what." "You know that already." "Never really win with those things anyway." "You just end up with books about the building of the American Railways." "It's her isn't it?" "Your dad and her?" "Damian." "You know how complicated the money was?" "Well... people are even more complicated." "You need to remember that there is nearly always enough good around to be going on with." "You've just got to have a bit of faith, you know." "And if you've got faith in people that makes them stronger." "And you, you've got enough to sort all three of you out." "Hey?" "That's why I'm counting on you." "I haven't really been worried about you." "I've just been missing you." "That's allowed." "Are you really a Saint?" "Well, the criteria's very strict." "It's notjust a case of doing good and all that." "You do have to do an actual miracle." "So..." "I'm in there." "Course I am." "What was your miracle?" "Don't you know?" "It was you." "Hey?" "Aren't you going to say goodbye?" "Bye." "Did you see her?" "What did she say?" "She said to tell you not to worry." "It's all going to be alright." "She's looking out for you" "Come on!" "Well it was fun while it lasted, eh?" "Look there's no easy way to say this, but I put a bit to one side, for me, to spend." "You can have it back." "Dorothy, six thousand, three hundred and ten euros." "All for the best, eh?" "Dollars." "It's just a few grand." "Dad?" "Ten really." "Eleven thousand, four hundred dollars." "I was going to tell you." "I sort of kept them by mistake." "Anthony." "I just enjoyed having a wedge." "It wasn't really the money." "I just liked having it." "Four thousand, seven hundred and eighty euros." "Dorothy wanted a holiday of a lifetime." "Dad wanted to pay off all his credit cards." "Come on Dad." "Anthony wanted one game boy advanced xp." "One play station three." "A Shogun new BMX bike." "A Rekia five hundred super quad bike." "Nimbus two thousand eltro-magnetic stair rider." "A table top candy floss maker." "An ipod, obviously." "An i B0T obviously." "And a stamp on it hydraulic rocket capable of a attaining altitudes of over one hundred metres." "Three..." "Two..." "One..." "That's how Anthony would want this story to end." "With big piles of stuff." "But it's not his story." "It's mine." "Oh, regarde ca." "Qu'est-ce-que c'est?" "This is where I want it to end."