" You've had too much to drink." " Just coffee!" "Excuse me." "Steed!" "Call a doctor." "Ronny?" "Mustn't let it leak." "Top security." "I'm fiinished anyway." "No doctor." "Steed!" "Listen carefully." "George Reed and I stumbled onto something big, important." "My mouth's dry." "You and George stumbled onto something..." "Full story, full report, George's room." " Evidence..." " Where is George?" "George is dead." "Who did this?" "Who?" "Genie." "Jeanie?" "Who is she?" "Honey..." "Ronny Wescott, one of our best agents." " Jeanie... a woman named Jeanie." " Good-Iooking." "He said "honey."" "Ring Colonel Robertson, and have the body removed." "Where will you be?" "He said the report was in George's room." "I'll collect it." ""George Reed."" " The other one got away?" " Yes." "Pity, but it can't be helped." "Now, we have to cover our tracks." "Go to this address, see what you can fiind." "Right." "Vincent, whatever you fiind, destroy it." "Well, I never!" "Morning." "Registered package." "Sign here." "So you left him there?" "That was very foolish, Vincent." "I destroyed the filles, Mr. arkadi." "Nevertheless, there may be something left." "Continue to cover our traces." "The honey shop." "Take Bernie." "Yes, Mr. arkadi." "Good morning, dear lady." "Forgive me," "I've been with my bees." "Buzzing about the hive!" " What a job!" " But rewarding." "So rewarding." "Bumble, B. Bumble, at you service." "Most rewarding." "I treat my bees like children, and they make bumper honey." "One of them has a bad knee." "I may have to operate." " Well, then..." " Is it possible to send some honey?" "Indeed, it is." "Bumble's honey encircles the globe." "Nectar in Namibia, syrup in Sweden, honey in the Himalayas." "Give me the address and I'll send it off." "How much will you send?" " a jar or 2." " Which kind?" "Bees are very versatile." "I have 365 kinds of honey." "Imagine: breakfast for a year" " and never the same." " Except leap year." "Quite so." "This one would be nice." "N°3: syrup without wax." "Two jars, you said?" "I'll be right with you." "If you'll put the address here..." "It was sent by a friend of mine, George Reed." "We see so many..." "It was day before yesterday from the postmark." "I wouldn't remember, but you must be mistaken." "I was at the Barabian Embassy that day making a personal delivery." "This shop was shut." "Will that be all?" "Yes, thank you." "I'll invoice this and then dispatch it." "Now gentlemen, what can I do for you?" "Just keep quiet." "Follow her, Bernie." "Behind the counter." "Go on." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Is that Mr. Reed?" "Mr. George Reed?" "Speaking." "Who is this?" "We haven't actually met, but I'm Punsome B. Hopkirk, of the Q.Q.F." "Yes!" "We had an appointment for this morning." "I'd like to make it later, say noon." " That be all right?" " Perfectly." " See you later then." " Mr. hopkirk" "It's very silly, but I've forgotten the address." "Beaver Street." "10, Beaver Street." "Hello, I'm looking for Mr. Hopkirk of the Q.Q.F." "Je vous en prie, monsieur." "Pardon, mon Général." "Mon brave général." "Je cherche monsieur Hopkirk." " Mr. George Reed?" " Yes." "Punsome B. Hopkirk." "Welcome to the Q.Q.F." "I'm not ready for you yet." "a contretemps behind the scenes." "You're not in a hurry?" "Splendid." "Give me your coat." "Dinner jacket!" "I detect a supressed desire." "Want to be a band leader?" "Or break the bank at Monte Carlo." "We'll see." "Tea, coffee, a drink?" " a drink." " Fine." "It won't be long." "Wellington's getting his boots on." "What do you think of my genie?" " Jeanie?" " Of the lamp. and her smile." "Yes." "Thank you." "all fiixed up?" "I'll leave you then." "Capital." "Excellent." "If you need anything, just rub." "We live up to our name:" "Q.Q.F." " Quite..." " "Quite, Quite Fantastic"." "Pardon," "I have to go and climb the Matterhorn." "The woman at the honey shop, what was her name?" "Don't know, but she mentioned Reed." "Bernie followed her." "That was right?" "Perfectly, my dear Vincent." " He knows what to do?" " Oh, yes." "He knows what to do." "Good bye!" "We'll climb Everest next week." "Now gentlemen..." "Napoleon, all is ready." "Waterloo room, end of the hall." "and for you?" "Indian wars, a stagecoach ride?" "Of course, gunfiight at the O.K. Corral." "3rd door down." "They're waiting to ambush you." "I've kept you waiting, but now you have my attention." "Tell me, what can Q.Q.F. do for you?" "I'd like to know a little more." "You haven't received our literature?" "How remiss of me!" "Q.Q.F., "Quite, Quite Fantastic", can help you to satisfy your most repressed desires." "In a nutshell, we will create your fantasy and let you live it." " Tea and honeyed muffiins?" " Honey?" " Or jam?" " No, thank you." "The arabian Nights / as a boy, I was fascinated by the tales of The arabian Nights." "I dreamed of living in that exotic era." "Then one day I thought:" "why dream?" "Why not make my dreams a reality?" "It was easy: the decor, the atmosphere, a fewtricks..." "This for example: rubbing it rings a bell in the cellar." "My genie pops us through a trap door." "a theatrical trick," " but very effective." " Very." "Then I began to think of the commercial possibilities." "Creating other people's dreams to order." "and so Q.Q.F. was born." "Here, you can stand beside Nelson at Trafalgar, flight with General Custer, become Gengis Khan or a Roman emperor, heavyweight champion, or ruler of the world." "a million dreams made to order." "Fantasies created with a few simple tricks such as you've already seen." "Don't worry, old man, better luck next time." "Now, Mr. Reed, your fantasy?" "Might I suggest an intrepid trapper, or a calvary man at Balakalava riding into the valley of death?" "I thought perhaps..." "Got it. a secret agent." "Ideal for you." "License to kill, pitting your wits against evil." "Make a change from your everyday humdrum." " Certainly." " What's your idea?" "Same as Ronny Wescott." "He is a client of yours?" "Mr. Wescott..." "He was here, but I haven't heard from him since." "Unavoidably detained." "But I'll have what he ordered." "I wouldn't think..." "You did create his fantasy?" "I'm working on it." "But for you..." "Oh, no, no, no!" "If it's good enough for Ronny..." "Very well, I'll let you know when it's arranged." "Fine." "What is it to be?" " His fantasy." " Chief eunuch in a harem." "Colonel?" "Steed here." "Mrs. Peel called you about the body?" "She did." "Will you have it moved?" "It's very untidy." "You already have?" "Hold on, Colonel." "I'm sorry." "It's another body entirely!" "Yes, a different one." "I'm not responsible for what happens when I'm away." "No, I'm not trying to corner the market." "Besides..." "Sorry, the body was too big to sweep under the rug." "No way to identify him, but I saw him earlier today at the honey shop." "I'll explain later." "Must buzz back to Bumble's." "Message ends." "Mr. Bumble..." "Mr. Bumble!" "Well?" "What has happened to Bernie?" "He should be back." " He ought..." " He should!" "You should have attended to it yourself!" "We shall give him one hour." "Then we must presume the worst." "at the Q.Q.F.?" "You're due there soon, aren't you?" "Hurry up, my dear Vincent." "Don't miss your 3rd fantasy." "I've given you a general outline of the service I offer." "What can I add?" "My readers would be interested in specifiic cases." "This interest from the press is most gratifying." "Specifiic cases..." "My most ambitious fantasy to date was sinking the Titanic." "Several people had to be resuscitated." "Hannibal crossing the alps, an assassination..." " Riding a Derby winner." " an assassination?" "I've had several." "Diffiicult to set up." "How do you go about it?" "First, we allowthe client to select his victim." "a real person, a VIP, or a businessman." "Then we provide him with this, and get him in a position to use it." "We allow him to get his victim in..." " his sights, and then..." " Then?" "He has a photographed memory." "a camera gun." "Get it out of the system" " and nobody's hurt." " I see." "Tell me more about your clients..." " Clients?" " Vincent East, is he a client?" "I'm afraid I'm unable to discuss individuals." "Ethics of my business." " But surely..." " I insist." " Thank you anyway." " Not at all." "If you ever wish to join the Q.Q.F. for a fantasy..." "No, thank you, I haven't yet exhausted reality." "Pity." "Hello." "M. Vincent!" "Ready for your 3rd fantasy?" "In a nice murderous mood?" "Telephone." "Q.Q.F.?" "May I speak to Mr. East?" "Vincent." "Bad news." "Bernie has not returned." "I know!" "You'll have to kill Hopkirk." " Know what..." " What?" " We're getting nowhere." " There is the honey." "Why would Reed have sent it?" "Because..." "I don't know." "Reed and Wescott weren't killed for a jar of honey." " There's Q.Q.F. - "Quite, Quite Fantastic."" "a dead end too." "So what was Ronny doing there?" " I understand the harem bit but..." " Harem?" "That was the fantasy he'd ordered." "Harem." "Bumble said something about the Barabian Embassy." "He made a delivery." "Barabian Embassy, harem, two agents killed..." "Snap!" "Hopkirk sometimes dreams up assassinations." "Let's rehearse it." "I am the crown Prince ali." "You, his murderer, are concealed say... here." "I'm enjoying a quiet smoke." "You have not revealed yourself yet." "The surprise is yet to come." "Hold your gun at the ready." "Your gun, Vincent!" "Nowthen... you'll choose your moment well... and pop up!" "No..." "You're not into it!" "You won't get any satisfaction unless you put something into it." "Think!" "Think murderously!" "Your expression, your attitude is too bland, unconvincing." "You wouldn't frighten a fly!" "Get a fiirm grip on your gun." "Higher." "Point it at me." "Here." "No, that's not very good." "You must concentrate." "Fix me with your eye and think:" ""I am going to kill him."" ""I am going to kill him!"" "Much better!" "Much more... realistic." "Fantastic..." "Quite, Quite Fantastic." "You've arranged another fantasy?" "One too many, I'm afraid." "I mean the assassination of Prince ali." "When is it?" " Tonight." " How?" "Too late." "Splendid." "Splendidly detailed." "If we do just what's written, you'll be able to enter the embassy and our task is over." "Hopkirk knows his business." "Knew his business." "as you say, my dear Vincent..." "as you say..." "Why don't you just tell the prince he's in danger?" "Impossible." "You know why he's here?" "To sign over oil concessions." "In return for full military protection." "Well?" "How can we protect his country if we can't even protect him?" "One man in our own country?" "What weapon will the assassin use?" "Gun, knife, rope..." "Poison?" "The honey..." "it must be important." "You'd have to be within tasting distance..." "The prince won't leave the embassy once he's arrived." "The killer has to smuggled in, or be there." "But he has to be in the embassy." "and so do I." "I pray pardon for this intrusion." "What is it, Grand Vizir?" "an British effendi, o gracious one!" "He begs admission to your illustrious presence." "Is he to be trusted?" "His credentials have been checked once, twice and thrice, o mighty one." "He has been searched for offensive weapons." "I, who am a mere speck on the camel's back, a poor, lowly toad in your most all-seeing eyes," " think he can be trusted." " Bid him enter." "at once, pearl of all wisdom, with all speed." "Enter with head lowered." "Do not speak until before his Highness." "Effendi Steed, your Royal Highness." "Hat off!" "Head lowered!" "What is your business?" "a social call, your Majesty." "From the Ministry of Eastern affairs." "We wish to ensure you are enjoying your stay in our country." "Thank you." "You may gaze upon the royal and most noble features." "On behalf of my people, I, ali Morteshem Gebran, Prince of Barabia, defender of the faith, soother of souls, lighter of dark corners, fountain of wisdom, welcome thee." "Vizir?" "Do you play cricket?" "Yes, but..." " Bowler or batsman?" " Both." "Jolly good." "Keep watch for the vizir." "Come on, on the double!" "Mr. Steed..." "Henry, head on." "Herbert, short leg." "Flory, 1st slip." "Ethel, 2nd." "Field all right for you?" "Thank you, but I'd prefer Flory at silly mid-on." "Right." " What'll it be?" " In the leg." "That's about right." "Thank you, Flory." "Keep them coming!" "Royal command!" "That's right, keep me cool." "I enjoy the rays, but not the heat." "Here, and here." "Splendid!" " I'm ready." " Nothing forgotten?" "No." "Just the pay-off." "Half now, half when you fiinish the job." " Those were the agreed terms." " Yes." "When you said half, I thought..." "We must trust one another." "Really, we must." "Take your time about it." "a sure aim." "and one nice, big bang." "I think we need a break." " Some tea, Mr. Steed?" " Thank you." "You summoned me?" "Tea for myself and my guests." "Instantly, your Highness." "That is service." "We don't stand for any laxness." "If they get idle, we chop off a fewtoes." "These are a few of my wives." "N°4." "N°33." "Charming girl." "She cost me a bag of salt and 4 goats." "I've got lots more out back." " Goats?" " Wives." "I need a lot of them." "Question of standing." " What was it last count?" " 320." "I see your European eyes flashing at the prospect." "But have you ever paused to think that 320 wives means 320 mothers-in-law?" " a sobering thought..." " Very." "One of those." "and one of those." "Yes, your Highness." "No discomfort?" "No, your Highness." "Not even a slight twinge?" " No." " He tastes everything for me." "I'm always being threatened." "Have to be careful." "and what will you have?" "You don't have any honey..." "Honey?" "Personally, I loathe the stuff." " But if you..." " No, no." "This is fline." "So you don't like it, honey?" "Never touch the stuff." "It's too sweet." "But my wives love it." "I've ordered tons of it." " From B. Bumble?" " Exactly." "40 jars." "3 truckloads this afternoon!" "3 trucks for 40 jars this size?" "Not that size." "More that size." "40 man-size jars." " Man-size?" "May I see them?" " They're all out there." "In that case, I'm sure you won't mind..." "Impossible." "You can't go in there." "No man can, except me." "That is my harem." "It suits you." "Brings out the color of your eyes." "No!" "Only a woman can get in the harem." "I absolutely refuse." "The assassin will be there, hidden in a honey jar." "No, Steed." "If Prince ali is killed, you'll go through life thinking:" ""If only I'd helped, a life would be saved."" " Tell me the worst." " I'm dining with the Prince." " and you're taking a guest?" " Not exactly." "Tell me, what size do you take in Turkish trousers?" "To the last lace-hole." "Tie it off!" "That's much better." "I won't be able to smuggle that in, they'll be very strict." "It should be quite a night!" "Quite a night." "For you, because you have found favor in my eyes." "Thank you." "The left eye of a mountain rat." "a very rare delicacy." "I also have gift for you." "Scott Gordon, at the wicket, surveys the fileid with a piercing eye." "Barnes throws. a terrifiic hook, and it's gone for six!" "He's gone to the boundary, he's out, Scott's out..." "Full commentary of the test-match." "That is most kind!" "I'm pleased to accept." "It's a twin track." "On the other side you get this." "Charming!" "Makes me quite homesick!" "apart from that, we have some entertainment." "Your Highness, my compliments." "arkadi!" "Nice to see you." "Thank you for your invitation." "You seem in excellent health." "Indeed." "Do sit down." "Mr. Steed, this is Mr. arkadi." "Mr. Steed is with the British government." "Congratulations." "You beat us to it." "The oil." "My government hoped to trade them for military protection." "Mr. Steed has arranged some entertainment." "So I was." "With your permission, may I present the lustrous, luminous, star of the East, Emma!" "6 veils, I counted only 6." "One's missing." "She was poorly educated, Majesty." "She cannot count." " I would speak with her." " Certainly." "What's your party term, "Giselle"?" "Sh!" "Don't offend the effendi." "Majesty..." "Emma." "Here, woman." "Sit here." "Excuse me." "a shy one." "But not much..." "You say?" "Retarded." "Defiinitely what you'd call retarded." "Nevertheless, I'll give you 12 goats for her." "It's a great deal for a woman." "But I've taken a fancy to her." " I will buy her." " Majesty, I couldn't..." "The British have no respect for your wishes." "If my govern..." "I was saying that I couldn't accept any goats for her." "Not the tiniest nanny." "If you like her, take her." "I give her to you." "Put her into your harem anytime you like!" "It's agreed." "Go with him, woman." "I'll be along later." "Majesty, tell me about your camels." "We are detaining his Majesty who is anxious to retire." " Yes, I..." " The evening is young." "and entertaining." "another entertainment awaits his Majesty." "Did I tell you about a match I played in Rawalpindi?" "I am rather tired." "You were right, arkadi." "I'll be going now." " Majesty, I was going to..." " Don't rush off." "Stay and enjoy yourselves." "Emma!" "Emma!" "Little Star of the East?" "This is Saturday." "Your prince is here, Emma." "Emma..." "Emma!" "My patience is running thin." "Show yourself!" "Emma!" "The prince is reknown for his ardour." "Get back, woman." "It's a man!" "It was arkadi's idea." "Not mine." "He's the one you want." " Where's arkadi?" " Gone." "Well?" "I know where to fiind him." "I don't know what's going on, but you have saved my life." "anything I have is yours:" "horses, jewels, my favorite wife." "I'll throw in some goats." "Well done." "Steed!"