"Oh, you just heard gossip." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did." "I know your gossip face." "Gossip and turkey pastrami." "It's gonna be a great night." " No!" " Tell it." " Burt, I..." " Spill it." " I promised..." " Don't fight it, let it out." "Fine, but you can't tell anyone else." " Ugh!" "We swim in that pool!" " I know, right?" "You know what?" "Nothing." "Oh, you got gossip." "Come on." " No." "Stop!" " Tell it." " Let it out, let it out, let it out." " Damn it!" "Dancin' Dan and Whistlin' Sue have been hooking up at the rec center." "I found out from Government Conspiracy Gordon." "Boy, the homeless people in this town have great nicknames." "Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh" " Morning, Mrs. Chance, Mr. Chance." " Hey, Tyler, what's up?" "Still reeling from that 13th astrological sign." "Kind of need to reevaluate a lot of things and remove a tattoo." "I think he meant what's up with the wrench." "Oh, yeah!" "I am so, so sorry to bother you, but I have to shut off your gas." "The gas bill cannot be overdue." "I always go into the check-cashing place next door to the pharmacy and I pay it while I'm waiting for them to refill Maw Maw's prescriptions." "And I always remember to get her new pills when I have to go into the bathroom cupboard for a tampon." "And since my friend has not arrived yet, the gas bill cannot be late." "It says here you're two weeks late." "Oh, good Lord, I'm two weeks late!" "You mean late late?" "Like, late late?" "You know what?" "I'm just gonna check this box that says, "Loose dog in the yard."" "That should buy you about a week or two." "Man, this is crazy." "We're always so careful." "Sometimes we're so careful, it's not even that fun." "The drive-through car wash." "Oh, man." "That was so beautiful though, with the multicolored soap running down the windows." "What are we gonna do?" "We cannot afford..." "Fairlane." "I am telling you, Ford Fairlane is Andrew Dice Clay's best movie." "How can you say that?" "He was in Pretty in Pink." "Uh, doesn't count." "He wasn't Andrew Dice Clay then." "Jimmy, back me up on this." "Dad, I've told you a hundred times, I have no idea who Andrew Dice Clay is." "Nice job covering." "Oh, my God, Burt." "We cannot have another baby." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Let's not freak out until we know for sure." "You're right." "But still, Jimmy cannot find out about this." "I love making fun of his unplanned pregnancy." "I don't wanna lose that." "Yeah, we can't just go back to making fun of his stupid T-shirts." "It's not as rich an area." "I'll go to the free clinic today, and I'll find out what's going on." "Until then, mum's the word." "Got it." "Why does my room smell like old people?" "Because yesterday we let an old person go in there." "Oh." "Thank God." "I thought it was me." "Hey, would you grab that for me?" " Free clinic?" "Why is the..." " I got it!" "Hello?" "Hey." "I'm filling out this form at the free clinic, and I need to know your mother's maiden name." " Chance." " No, her maiden name." " Like, before she was married." " Chance." "Really?" "Wow." "Third cousins, big drinkers, things happen." "Okay, then." "I'll call you when I know something." "Okay." " What was that?" " Wrong number." "It said "Free clinic," and it took too long for a wrong number." "Yeah, well, I like human contact, Jimmy." "Dog contact, too." "Cats are good." "Birds make me nervous." "When can she be here?" "Yeah, I have to go." "I have to call you back." "Jesse!" "You want me to come back there?" "Excuse me." "I've been sitting, waiting for my results..." "We were just about to call you back." "Please take a seat in area seven, okay?" " Hey." " Oh." "Hey!" "You here for the flu shot, too?" "Yes, I am." "Yeah." "Don't have to be a bird to get the bird flu." "Or so they say in the pamphlets." "Good news." "You're not pregnant." "Here's a pamphlet describing over 20 kinds of birth control we can provide to you." "Seven of which have not worked for me." "Well, we got the same result from the pregnancy test you took at home, inconclusive." "I say, wait five more days and try the home test again." "Sorry I lied." "It's just that we didn't tell Jimmy." "It would be really bad for me if he found out, and I didn't want to burden you with my secret." "Oh, no, no, no, I totally understand." "I don't want everybody at the grocery store gossiping about my business." "I'd really appreciate it if you just didn't mention my thing to Jimmy either." "Okay?" "I'd like to." "I really would." "But I'm not great at holding on to gossip, so..." "How hard can it be?" "You're an adult, just don't say anything." "But Burt and Jimmy always know when I've got something really juicy." "Plus, I gotta be honest, after cleaning toilets all day, delivering gossips makes me feel special." "You know?" "Like those cool scumbags on TMZ." "But you don't want Jimmy to find out about your pregnancy scare, right?" " God, no." "That would be awful." " Okay." "Well, if you blab my secret, I'll blab yours." "Are you blackmailing me?" "I guess I am, yeah." "Damn, I like you." "Is someone sick?" "No!" "I told you, no." "Then just tell me why the free clinic called, and I'll leave you alone." "Fine." "I'm donating a kidney to the mayor." "Why would you be giving a kidney to the mayor?" "You voted for the other guy." "Can't you put petty politics aside for one day, Jimmy?" "The man's life is at stake." "The mayor's a woman." "Can't you just let me have this?" "This is as close as I'll ever get to being mayor!" "I'm not letting this go!" "Hello?" "Burt, it's negative." "I'm not pregnant!" "Mom?" "Why would you be pregnant?" "It's my phone!" "Don't answer my phone!" "Do you have any idea how crazy your behavior was?" "You already had one giant mistake, me." "Wasn't that enough to teach you?" "I mean, it's not like we have enough space or money for another kid." "How could you be so unresponsible?" "We're responsible." "We're just also passionate and spontaneous." "Those would be our gladiator names if we were on American Gladiator." "Which we still might do." "Because we're spontaneous." "Okay, first of all, Gladiator sounds awesome." "But no babies." "One of you has to get fixed or spayed." "No way." "You cannot decide that, Jimmy." "That is a personal decision." "She's right." "I think we should take a family vote." "All those in favor of everyone keeping their original plumbing?" "Sorry, Jimmy, you're outvoted two to one." "I vote with Jimmy." "Hold on." "Two to two." "Only if she's lucid." "She's only allowed to vote if she's lucid." "Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?" "Iraq and Afghanistan." "Is she right?" "I think so, but I'm not sure." "It's right, you morons." "One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby." "Look, we're five people living in a four-person house." "We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks." "I change my vote." "What?" "Now you're on their side?" "It's not a horrible idea." "And she's right." "Another baby would not be good for any of us." "Yes!" "That's three votes." "Now we just have to decide..." "Not it!" " Tie." "We'll have to do a coin toss." "Mom, call it." "Okay, heads, I win, tails, you lose?" "Uh..." " Tails, you lose." " Damn it!" "I never win coin tosses!" " We got a problem." " What?" "This morning I realized that Jimmy found out about my pregnancy scare, and there was absolutely nothing to keep me from telling him your secret." "How are we supposed to pay for this?" "I found a doctor who agreed to do it for free if we clean his pool for a year." "I knew I had to get out of there before they saw my face, but my car keys were in the kitchen." " How big is his pool?" " Medium size." "So am I. Sounds fair." "Just don't tell me when it is, too stressful." "Just pick a date and surprise me." "I'm not gonna be able to keep your secret." "If they had seen my face, it'd already be out." "Then you need to tell me another secret." "Something good and juicy, you know, like a summer camp sexual experimentation secret." "Did you just tell me another secret?" "No." "All right." "This truly is my deepest, darkest secret." "Okay." "There is a sex tape of me and Burt floating around town, and he doesn't know about it." "Wow!" "You guys are a regular Pam and Tommy Lee." "Oh, no." "Don't get me wrong, Burt's no slouch, but he can't steer a boat." "Anyway, about five years ago, me and Burt were having a fight, so I gave away his bootleg copy of Fast and the Furious." "Only the tapes got switched, and I gave away our sex tape." "Okay." "Great." "Now, picture me telling Burt." "I'd be mortified." "Damn, you're good with this blackmail thing." "I really think we can be friends." "Oh, this is gonna be so sweet!" "We've hardly been to the arcade at all since Hope was born." " Surprise." "It's vasectomy day." " Damn it!" "I knew when you told me to wear my good underwear to play Asteroids, something was up!" "After the local anesthetic has numbed the area," "I'll make one or two small incisions from which I will disconnect the gonads." " Who are they?" " The gonads." "Your boys, your plums, you know, family jewels." "No." "Who are they?" "Oh, oh, those are my students." "I teach English as a second language at the community center." "Guys, come a little bit closer." "I want you to get a better look." " Now, this is a penis." " I am out of here." "Dad, we had a deal." "Yep, yep, it's a deal you're not backing out of." "My pool's not turning green just because you're getting a case of cold walnuts." "Jimmy, give me my pants." "I can't do this." "Mr. Chance, would you like a breath mint?" "Yeah." " Oh, this tastes awful." " Oh, that's because it's a sedative." "In about five minutes, you'll let me do anything I want down there." "And that's how easy it is to get roofied." "That should act as a cautionary lesson for the girls, not as an instructional lesson for the guys." "Jimmy, you know how your mother and I always told you that drugs were bad?" " Yeah." " We were wrong." "This stuff's amazing." "It's like I'm floating and sinking at the same time." "I'm flinking." "Just do me a favor." "Don't tell Jimmy." "Okay." "All righty." " Let's get this started." " Yeah." "First thing I need to do is a little shaving in the surgical area." "Whoa, no, no, no, no." "That's not gonna happen, partner." "Well, if you're uncomfortable with another man doing it, we could ask one of my female students, she's Asian." "No!" "That would be worse!" "Only one woman shaves me down there, that's my wife." "Only once." "I wanted to see what it looked like." "I don't recommend it." "Tell you what, give me the razor, I'll do myself." "No, no, no, I can't give a razor to a man who's on sedatives." "How about him?" "He'll do it." " I don't think..." " Well, let's go home, then." "Ooh, that tickles." "Oh, Dad, come on!" "Oh, sorry." "I forgot that was you down there for a second." "This isn't so bad." "They should have places that do this in the mall." "They could call it Bush-Whackers." "Hey, I know, as soon as you're finished, I'll do you." "I'm good." "Jimmy, I just realized in a couple of days, I'm gonna have a prickly pair." "That's great, Dad." "Can't wait." "Hey, buddy." "You remember that time you shaved me?" "Yes!" "Because I'm still doing it." "We got so many fun times together." "People, let me tell you about my best friend" "He's a warmhearted person who'll love me to the end" "People, let me tell you about my best friend" "He's a one boy cuddly toy My up, my down, my pride and joy" "People, let me tell you about him He's so much fun" "Whether we're talkin'man to man or whether we're talkin'son to son" "'Cause he's my best friend" "Yeah, he's my best friend" "Oh, those were good times." "Hey, buddy, you remember that time you shaved my..." "Please just stop talking." "All right." "Let's sever some vas deferens." " Hey, Jimmy." " Yeah?" " Pull my finger." " I really don't think so." " Come on, buddy." " No." "I don't want to." "I had to drag you in from the car," "I had to hold you down on the bed, I had to shave you below your waist." "I am not lifting, moving, tugging or pulling anything else of yours today." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and wash my eyes." "We have another problem." "Last night, we were having a normal dinner, fish for Friday." "For the first time in days, I had actually forgotten about your situation." "I could feel calm." "But I was too calm." "So, anything interesting happen to anyone today?" "Any gossip?" " He said "gossip"?" " Yes!" " No." " Yes!" " God!" " I know." "Soon as I heard that, the gossip started to fight its way out." "I saw some pretty cool out-of-state license plates today." "Do tell." "Well, I saw this Alaskan one." "I felt like I had an armadillo inside me trying to claw its way out." "I looked away, and I kept telling myself, "Sex tape." "Sex tape."" "But then I looked at Hope and I was back to thinking "baby."" "I just lost it!" "Oh, look." "Look, she's got something." "Mama's got a secret." "No, I don't." " Yes, you do." "Come on, spill it, spill it." " Spill it, spill it, spill it." "Just let it out." "Let it out." "Spill it." "I lost our sex tape!" " You told your own secret?" " I had to." "They knew I had gossip, and they weren't gonna stop until I told them something." "And the only other secret I could think of other than yours was mine." "What was Burt's reaction?" "Not what I expected." "Somebody's sitting down to watch Vin Diesel and they're gonna see my wiener!" "'Cause it looks a little like Vin Diesel." "So, what happened with my secret?" "Nothing." "I just bit my tongue for the rest of the night." "Look, it's still bleeding a little." "But I can't do that every day, so, listen, if you're really pregnant, we're just gonna have to agree to tell people sooner rather than later." "Well, I've been putting this off, but I guess it's time." "Let's go." " Someone's in here." "Come on." " Sabrina, hurry." "Hello?" "They were giving out coffee samples in the store, and there's a line of cheap, jittery women outside." " I don't have a baby!" " And I don't have a secret!" "Oh, hey, Tyler." "You work here, too, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "Between the propane and the wind and solar, who knows how long natural gas is gonna be around for?" "But Pac-Man, that's forever." " You looking for your pops?" " Yeah." "Photo booth." "Dad, I know you're in there." "Just come on out." "No!" " If he's not gonna come out, he's gotta take some pictures." "I know you're afraid about going through with this, Dad." "I'm not afraid." "After the pill that guy gave me, he could've examined my prostate." "I wouldn't even have flinched." " He did." " See?" " Then why did you run?" " Because you refused to pull my finger." "But, Dad, it was a long, hard day." "I just wasn't in the mood for goofing around." "I'm worried about us growing apart." "I know you'll always be my son, but I don't know you'll always be my buddy." " What?" " Look, I know I'm like MAD Magazine, my audience is a pretty specific age, probably, like, 10 to 17." "You're 22 now, you got a kid of your own." "You might be outgrowing the Burt Show." "Having you was the best thing that ever happened to me." "But if you outgrew me, I'd like to have the option to make another little buddy." "Wait." "Having me was the best thing that ever happened to you?" "Greatest day of my life." "Well, I always figured that since I was a mistake, you guys would rather I turned out to be a pregnancy scare." "Of course not." "I will always be your buddy." "And I promise I will never get tired of the Burt Show." "I'm not a machine, Jimmy." "I need a little time to..." "Hold it." "Wait." "Okay, now!" "When Dad realized that he truly had a buddy for life, he happily went through with the vasectomy." " Time to switch." " These are still pretty cold." "Yeah, but Mom needs the peas for the shepherd's pie." "Berries." "He wasn't the only one who learned that having a buddy you can trust is a cool thing." "Now that you know about my summer at sleepaway camp, now you gotta tell me something about you." "Oh." "Remember that time somebody knocked over the statue at the black church, everybody thought it was a hate crime?" "That was the day I taught myself how to drive a stick shift." "I learned something, too." "Even though I was a mistake," "I'm a mistake my parents would gladly make again." "And that is something you and I definitely have in common." "I couldn't have planned how you came to me in a million years." "But I always want you to know, you're the best thing that ever happened to me." "Which is why I'm going to teach you a Chance family tradition." "Pull my finger." "Come on." "Pull it." "Here." "Like this." "English" " US" " SDH"