"NARRATOR:" "Tonight, on Columbo." "President Paul Mackey." "Attorney General Oscar Finch." "And you and your buddy are dead ducks in Washington." "MACKEY:" "You killed him?" "FINCH:" "He was extorting me." "Lieutenant Columbo, with the police." "SERGEANT:" "All signs, suicide." "COLUMBO:" "Mr. Staplin was murdered." "We're looking for a cold-blooded killer now." "I think you did it, sir." "I thought we had a nice relationship going." "Well, nothing's perfect." "I wouldn't perjure myself for Mr. Oscar Finch." "Poppycock." "RADIO ANNOUNCER:" "... the freeway just before Magic Mountain, over a mile backup there." "Paramedics are at the scene." "Weather-wise, hardly a cloud in the sky." "Temperatures at Civic Center, 76, but don't let that fool you." "Our weatherman warns that the storm moving in from the northwest should hit sometime this evening." "Umbrella time, folks." "Keep 'em handy." "On the political front, the hot topic is the guessing game as to who Governor Montgomery will pick as his presidential running mate." "No word from the governor, who continues the careful weighing of options that has been his style since the beginning of the campaign." "From campaign headquarters at the Biltmore Hotel, a spokesman indicated we should not expect an announcement before primary night, now only four days away." "Reflecting speculation across the country, polls conducted by the L.A. Times and among our listeners show the front-runner for the VP spot to be our own popular Congressman, Paul Mackey." "In sports..." "MACKEY:" "How do I look?" "FINCH:" "Terrific." "(CELL PHONE DIALING)" "Neil Axton, please." "Oscar Finch calling." "San Francisco's our Achilles' heel, Oscar." "That's why we're about to buy baby a new pair of shoes." "Hello, Neil." "This is Oscar." "How are you?" "Glad to hear it." "Oh, I'm just fine, thanks." "Paul Mackey and I are on our way to the Biltmore, and things are looking pretty good for the primary, apart from San Francisco, which is a bit slow." "We need some help there, fast." "Mmm-hmm." "How about 750,000?" "(SCOFFS) A lot of money to whom, Neil?" "Just tell our mutual friend that he won't be forgotten when the governor wins." "Montgomery likes oil wells on the horizon." "(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)" "You ready?" "Do I look ready?" "Winners are always ready." "When this is a done deal," "I'm gonna buy you the best frozen yogurt in town, and you can pick your own topping." "(CHUCKLES) I'm nervous as hell, Oscar." "That's good." "It gives you an edge." "Besides, he's not a dentist, just the next president of the United States." "(SIGHS)" "Good morning, Congressman." "Paul." "Paul, good to see you." "Tim, how are you?" "Great, just fine, thank you." "I don't think you've met Oscar Finch." "No." "It's about time, sir." "It's a pleasure, truly." "Thank you." "Do you mind waiting a few minutes?" "The governor is anxious to meet you." "FINCH:" "I'd like that." "Terrific." "All right if I use one of your phones?" "Be our guest." "Congressman, this way please." "Jim." "Congressman Mackey." "Thanks for coming on such short notice, Paul." "My pleasure, Governor." "Have some coffee?" "No, thanks." "Tim?" "No, no." "I'm fine, thank you." "Sit down, sit down." "Relax, both of you." "Thank you." "You're looking good, Paul." "Never felt better." "Family?" "Just great." "Cynthia's like my right arm." "She thrives on campaigning." "My wife's the same." "(CHUCKLES) We got lucky, huh?" "That was some speech you delivered last week." "Wish I'd been there to watch those chicken hearts squirm." "Well, sir, I had an opportunity to address some of the issues." "Thousands of homeless people in everybody's hometown." "We're selling off the United States." "A piece here, a piece there." "What's next?" "General Electric?" "Ford Motor Company?" "If we don't take positive action, Governor, these United States of America will be up for grabs." "And I sincerely believe it's time the American people know what's going on." "Amen to that." "TIM:" "I heard you actually had some of those boys out of their seats and cheering." "MACKEY:" "Well, Tim, nobody slept through it, that's for sure." "(BOTH CHUCKLING) Yes, sir, a mighty fine speech." "Now, tell the truth, Paul." "Did you write it yourself?" "(LAUGHS)" "I'm just pulling your leg." "(MACKEY CHUCKLING) You get to know me after a while, you'll know how I tend to do that every so often." "Right, Tim?" "TIM:" "Yes, sir." "Of course you wrote it yourself." "I know you wrote it yourself, just like you write all your speeches yourself." "If I thought otherwise, Congressman," "I wouldn't be here talking to you, because I wouldn't know who I was talking to, right?" "Now, how about we cut to the chase, gentlemen?" "We've all heard the rumors in which your name has been connected with mine, Paul." "We've read The Washington Post and The New York Times." "Now I want to make it formal." "Congressman Mackey, sir," "I'd like you to start giving some serious thought to joining me in a most noble effort, that is, as my running mate in an all-out, no-holds-barred, winner-take-all race for the presidency of the United States." "Montgomery and Mackey." "How's that sound to you, Congressman?" "Governor, it sounds to me like a winning ticket." "(DOOR OPENS)" "TIM:" "Mr. Finch, the governor will see you now." "Later." "Let me be the first to congratulate you, Mr. Finch." "Your old buddy Paul and I are about to embark on a hell of an exciting journey." "And you had a lot to do with making that possible." "I'm in your debt, Mr. Finch." "My pleasure, sir." "A chance to do the things that need to be done." "You think I can make it?" "FINCH:" "You're halfway there, already." "I want you with me, Oscar." "Every step." "President Paul Mackey." "Attorney General Oscar Finch." "I like the sound of that." "I like the echoes." "(CHUCKLES)" "Cynthia did a nice job, hmm?" "Yeah, Paul found himself a great hostess." "Essential to a successful career." "Only reason I married you." "Oh, don't tell me." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Darling." "Will you get it?" "Yeah, I know." "Got it." "Hello." "Frank." "Frank, I told you not to bother me again." "There's nothing I can do for you." "I advised you who to get." "They're the smartest guys in town." "They'll do the best with what they've got." "(STAMMERS) Never mind about them not being in my league." "I'm all through being your problem solver." "That's over." "That's history." "Frank." "Frank." "I am not going to talk anymore about this on the phone." "Fine." "Where are you?" "Who's with you?" "All right, give me half an hour, 45 minutes." "Yeah." "I'll see you." "Honey?" "I gotta go out." "It's nearly midnight." "Big contributor." "I've been trying to nail this guy for months." "He sounds as though he's had a couple of drinks." "Tonight could be the night." "His checkbook's itching." "When are we ever gonna get a break?" "Soon as Montgomery wins California, we'll take a trip." "Shopping?" "A little something for the inaugural." "Get your beauty sleep." "Good luck, darling." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "(BEEPS)" "(FAX MACHINE WHIRRING)" "(DOORBELL CHIMING)" "How you doing, Oscar?" "Let's just get it over with, Frank." "You walked?" "You bet I did." "FINCH:" "From my office." "I can use the exercise." "Besides, the last thing I want is for someone to see my car in your driveway." "Our privacy's as good as gold, Oscar." "As I told you, Susan's in Hawaii, and the housekeeper has the week off, so no one will ever have to know that Oscar Finch dirtied his shoes on Frank Staplin's carpets." "They're only the best." "Step right in." "How about you get out of that coat?" "You'll bake in here." "Toss it anywhere." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, can I get you a drink?" "No, thanks." "I'm fine." "I can't." "Doctor's orders." "I'm down to this." "I made myself a little snack." "Here, have a nibble." "What gives, Frank?" "I am in real trouble, Oscar." "(LAUGHING) So, what else is new?" "Only this time, it's a little bit more serious than anything I've ever had to handle." "You worried about five years in jail, Frank?" "Is that it?" "With good behavior, call it 30 months." "No sweat, Frank." "Oh, it's not me so much as Susan." "I don't care for her to have to face the shame of it." "I need a favor, Oscar." "Forget it." "One document." "The DA's case goes right out of the window if he doesn't get his hands on one lousy document." "Then don't let him have it." "It'll be on his desk in a couple of days." "Well, then, I'll see you in five years, Frank." "(LAUGHS) I'd like to do this civilized." "There is nothing to do." "One document in the nearest shredder, Oscar." "You have friends in the right places." "They owe you favors." "That's your game." "Forget it." "(CHUCKLING) We've got a history." "We've been down this road before." "Twenty-one years before, Frank." "Times change." "I'll see that you have any amount." "Cash that can't be traced." "Swiss cash." "I'm asking you nicely, Oscar." "You don't get it, Frank." "I have a family." "I have a great, big career." "I have a future like you wouldn't believe." "There's no way I'm going to risk any of that." "How's your buddy, the congressman?" "The word is he's going to be Montgomery's boy." "You go way back." "Wasn't he working in the DA's office when you did me that favor a long time ago?" "Your boy in the White House, maybe, huh?" "(CLICKS TONGUE) Nice cabinet post for Oscar Finch, perhaps?" "Is that the big future?" "That's not a nice way to talk, Frank." "If I go down five years, six months, one day, Oscar," "I'm not gonna be too happy with the man that let it happen." "Happy or sad, Frank, you can't prove a damn thing." "(LAUGHS) Who needs proof anymore?" "You know politics these days." "I only have to mention your name and a certain little incident that happened back in 1969" "and you and your buddy are dead ducks in Washington." "(LAUGHING) Think it over, Oscar." "(GUN FIRES)" "(FRANK GROANS)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "OFFICER 1:" "Okay, we sent them out." "OFFICER 2:" "Two more black and whites." "Right." "(MEN CHATTERING)" "(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)" "You okay, Mickey?" "Doing fine, Sarge." "SERGEANT:" "Jack, you're wanted outside." "George, is that the shell?" "Yeah, that's it." "COLUMBO:" "Hey, Sarge." "Yeah?" "Yes, sir?" "You know anything about these things?" "What things?" "This thing here." "I think it's what they call a fax machine." "A what?" "Fax machine." "Know anything about them?" "Never even been near one." "Well, me neither." "MAN:" "Let's go." "MAN:" "Here we go." "Okay, Sergeant, what do you got?" "Deceased's wife, Mrs. Susan Staplin, she was in Hawaii on vacation." "Right." "Now, I think I heard somebody say she's on her way back?" "Yes, sir." "All right." "Called husband approximately 10:30 p.m." "Fellas, could I have it for a minute?" "Come on, guys, let's give it over to the lieutenant." "MAN:" "Yeah, let's wrap." "Come on, come on." "Let's keep them quiet out there, huh, George?" "Thank you." "Okay, called husband approximately 10:30 p.m., Hawaii time." "No answer." "She called again later." "No answer." "Got..." "Lieutenant?" "COLUMBO:" "Keep going, Sergeant." "I'm listening." "Got what?" "Got worried." "Called security company." "They sent guy over." "Officer Rodriguez." "Saw lights in house." "No response." "Made entry." "Found victim." "911 got called at 4:21 a.m." "(SNIFFING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "It's Reggiano." "What's the matter?" "That cheese, Sergeant, that's Italian." "That, Sergeant, is the greatest." "My father loved his Reggiano." "Oh, we gotta have a taste of that." "This stuff has got to be checked out, sir." "No, no, no, we're not going to touch anything that's been used." "No, no." "Wait till you get a load of this." "And this is expensive, too." "You know, a piece like this here, that's $10." "Get a taste of that." "No, thank you." "Oh, you gotta try it." "You just gotta taste it." "(EXCLAIMS)" "How about that?" "It's different." "It happens to be especially good." "Make sure the boys put that aside when they're done with it, 'cause that's gonna travel." "Okay, now the 911 came in at 4:21 a.m." "Yes, sir." "Victim expired of head wound." ".32 automatic." "Weapon at scene." "No signs forced entry." "No signs robbery." "All signs, suicide." "Looks like it." "What else, Lieutenant?" "You read this paper clipping?" "The guy was about to get nailed." "Anybody here who knows how to work that machine?" "You mean that thing back there?" "The fax." "I guess the deceased's secretary would." "She's out here someplace." "Christy." "Rebecca Christy." "Was she here last night?" "No, sir." "Mrs. Staplin gave her address to the security people." "She was brought over from Westwood to ID the body." "She's pretty upset." "Uh-huh." "Not a nice way to begin the day, having to identify a body." "There's only one thing that bothers me, Sergeant." "What's that?" "The gun." "See what you think." "You notice anything?" "What?" "A man shoots himself in the head, the body slumps, arm falls, the gun drops." "COLUMBO:" "Now he bleeds on the floor." "Why do you suppose that all the blood is under the gun, and there is no blood on top of the gun?" "It's under, all right." "Could I borrow your handkerchief?" "Well, what do you know about that?" "What?" "You see any blood on that side of the gun?" "Nothing." "That's what's bothering me." "If the gun fell on the blood, as it seems, why didn't any of it stick to the underside of the gun?" "Doesn't make sense." "Unless the blood had already dried." "Wait a minute." "How could a guy kill himself, then all that time later, after, when it dries, he drops the gun?" "Good point, Sarge." "You hit it the first time." "Like you said, the blood couldn't dry right away, could it?" "So what I'm trying to figure out is, why did it take so long before the gun fell?" "Have the guys find out the drying time for that amount of blood in a room like this and on a floor like this." "Have forensic back here." "Check it out some more." "Good as done, sir." "George!" "George!" "(GROANING)" "GEORGE:" "Yo!" "Coming..." "I better check out Mrs..." "Guys, wanna get back in here?" "...that secretary." "What's the secretary's name?" "Christy." "Rebecca Christy." "I gotta start writing these things down." "SERGEANT:" "Could I have my handkerchief?" "Yeah." "Don't forget, have them wrap up that cheese careful." "Real careful." "All through with the stiff, Lieutenant?" "Can we take him out?" "Take it away." "MAN:" "Under the desk." "Hey, would you move that?" "Miss?" "Ma'am, I'm Lieutenant Columbo." "I'm with the Los Angeles Police Department." "How do you do?" "I know this is a bad time." "I'm really sorry to have to bother you." "It's all right." "It's too bad about Mr. Staplin." "Yes." "He was so kind." "I wonder you could help me out." "None of our boys, they..." "They don't seem to know anything about that machine that's in your office." "The fax machine." "Do you want me to send a letter?" "Oh, no, no, no." "No, nothing like that, no." "I just would like it if you could show me how it works." "I'd appreciate that." "Then I'll see to it that you're driven home." "All these newfangled gadgets they come out with." "They make me nervous." "Now, my wife, last year she got a home computer." "She loves it." "Me, I never go near it." "Sit down here, ma'am." "I think we were the last people on the block to get an electric garage opener." "Now, you can send a letter on this machine?" "Yes." "Any number of pages." "What makes it go?" "You dial in a number, just like a telephone." "Press start." "That's all." "And you can send it anywhere?" "Anywhere that has a fax machine." "Anywhere in the world." "Anywhere in the world." "And how long does it take?" "Seconds." "You mean just by dialing, like, a phone number, that letter will come out across the street, or on the other side of the world in seconds?" "It's not the same letter, it's an exact copy of that letter." "A facsimile." "A facsimile." "A fax." "Now I'm getting the hang of this thing." "Okay." "Let me ask you this." "There is a page of a letter hanging out of the bottom of this machine." "What's that?" "It's the last page that was sent through." "CHRISTY:" "Usually, it's removed." "Do you want this left here?" "Please, for now, ma'am." "Did you send that letter, Miss Christy?" "No." "COLUMBO:" "Do you recognize that handwriting?" "It's Mr. Staplin's." "Did he know how to use this machine?" "He used it frequently." "Is there any way that you could determine what time this letter was sent?" "Yes." "But I'll have to remove the page first." "Oh, let me do that, ma'am." "Susan?" "Would that be Mrs. Staplin?" "Yes." "Uh-huh." "(BEEPING)" "The last transmission was logged at 12:27 a.m." "A one-page document that took 14 seconds to send." "Excuse me, ma'am, a one-page document?" "But I see a second page to the letter here." "That's also in Mr. Staplin's handwriting." "Would that mean that there was a two-page letter, but only one page was sent?" "I guess." "It was faxed to this number." "Isn't that the area code for Hawaii?" "It's the fax number of the hotel where Mrs. Staplin was staying." "Isn't that remarkable?" "A letter sent 2,500 miles across the Pacific in 14 seconds." "(CLICKING TONGUE)" "I don't mean to burden you, Miss Christy, but could you come into Mr. Staplin's office for just a minute?" "You know, when I saw the telephone on Mr. Staplin's desk," "I almost got dizzy." "I mean, that's some device." "There's got to be 30 buttons there." "And that's not including the ones that you dial with." "Would you bag this, please?" "Yes, sir." "Yes, it's a sophisticated instrument." "Yeah, it sure is." "It can memorize 100 phone numbers for speed-dialing." "There's conference calling, of course." "Date and time." "An appointment reminder program, speaker phone, last number redial..." "That's the one I want to know about." "That's the one feature I heard something about." "Now, how would you work that feature?" "You just press this button." "The one that says redial." "MAN 1:" "I could use some help over here." "That's it?" "Uh-huh." "It's embarrassing." "Excuse me, are you finished with the phone?" "MAN 2:" "We're all done, Lieutenant." "Thank you." "Just push this button here..." "And the phone will automatically redial the last number called." "(DIALING)" "(RINGING)" "WOMAN:" "Good morning, Finch residence." "May I help you?" "My housekeeper says you're from the police." "Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am." "I..." "I apologized to the lady who answered the door already, when she told me you were having breakfast, ma'am, and now I would like to say to you personally how sorry I am..." "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" "I just have a few questions, ma'am." "We're investigating a matter concerning a man named Frank Staplin." "Is that a name that's familiar to you, ma'am?" "No, should it be?" "Well, we have reason to believe that Mr. Staplin called here last night." "That call came in, according to the phone company, at 11:46 p.m." "Were you home at that time, ma'am?" "My husband and I had just come from dinner." "There was a phone call, yes, but Oscar took it, and I really don't know who it was from." "It was a very short call, ma'am." "Don't you think it would be best if you spoke with my husband?" "That is, if it's really essential." "I think I do have to speak to him, ma'am, if it's not disturbing him too much." "(CHUCKLING) He's not home." "Another early bird." "He's long gone to a breakfast appointment." "Where's the best place that I could reach him, ma'am?" "I really don't know." "He's a very busy man." "Perhaps you should make an appointment." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Don't you dare." "Was it you?" "I beg your pardon, ma'am?" "Don't you dare light that cigar." "Were you in here last night with one of those?" "Oh, no, ma'am, it wasn't me." "And you have my word of honor I'm not gonna light it." "As a matter of fact, ma'am, I've never been in these offices before." "They're very nice." "Very nicely done." "RECEPTIONIST:" "Mr. Finch's office." "I'm sorry, he's not available." "I apologize, Lieutenant." "I'm a little bit sensitive this morning." "No need to apologize, ma'am." "This putrid atmosphere left here last night by someone so inconsiderate..." "They smoked a foul-smelling cigar in Mr. Finch's office without once taking into account that the air conditioning in this building is turned off in the evenings." "Yes, ma'am." "(SIGHING) How can I help you?" "If it's possible, I'd like a word with Mr. Finch." "Well, he should be here momentarily, Lieutenant, if you'd like to take a seat." "Thank you very much, ma'am." "You know, it's strange." "When I first came in here," "I began wondering what was the one thing here that reminded me of home." "Maybe it was the aroma." "(CHUCKLES)" "Louise, who parked that decomposing rattletrap in my space?" "I'm sure I don't know." "FINCH:" "Get on the phone and have it towed out of here." "LOUISE:" "Perhaps it is..." "FINCH:" "We've got a busy morning ahead of us." "There's a new client, and someone from the police will be around to see me." "Fit him in some time late this afternoon if you can." "Would that be a silver Peugeot convertible, sir?" "Who said that?" "I did." "And who might you be?" "I'm the police." "That oxidized relic is yours?" "Well, it gets me from here to there, sir." "I'm sorry, I had no idea it was your spot." "With you in a moment, Lieutenant." "Come in, Louise." "(CLEARING THROAT) Here are the notes from the Thompson breakfast." "Put him down next Monday." "Same time, same place." "What time am I due at the Biltmore?" "Twenty minutes, sir." "All right." "Well, call the functions manager and have him collect the new dignitaries list from the governor's suite, and I'll meet with him in the ballroom." "Now, here's the new client here, Dr. Menton." "Put him down for 10:15 at the house." "Call and confirm." "Then court, right?" "Two cases?" "Yes, sir." "Kinsale and Fleming." "They'll be a breeze, both of them." "Then after that, lunch with Congressman Mackey, and the afternoon free for the governor's campaign manager." "Have Haines call me on the car phone." "Confirm the itinerary." "Is that all?" "Yes, sir." "There are a few messages." "Nothing urgent." "Good." "Thanks, Louise." "Now, Lieutenant, you're here to talk to me about the death of Frank Staplin." "And I can give you just five minutes." "You astonish me, sir." "I don't see why." "I'm familiar with procedure." "At approximately a quarter of 12:00 last night," "I received a call from Mr. Staplin." "I understand from the news this morning that he died during the night, which regrettably means that one of the last calls he made in his life was to me." "As soon as I heard the news," "I realized that although his death was being called a suicide, it was of a violent nature, that is, by gunshot." "And part of the standard procedure of investigation would certainly include interviews with the last persons the victim saw or spoke to." "I also know that the phone company will have supplied you with a list of his final calls, and that my number would be among them someplace." "In what order, I can't say." "And if he called from his house, you would have a record of that, too, and I would expect someone from the police to be around to see me." "My only surprise is how soon you got here." "I learned one very important lesson this morning, Mr. Finch." "And what's that?" "Never bet on your opposition in court." "Mmm." "I never met Frank Staplin." "But in some small way," "I feel a certain responsibility for his death." "Why is that, sir?" "When he called last night, he was a desperate man." "Even if I hadn't known him by reputation," "I would have known from his voice." "His voice, sir?" "How did it sound?" "Extremely disturbed." "Oh." "You never met him?" "No." "He called about nine months ago when he was seeking counsel in a criminal case, but I was busy at the time, and I had to turn him down." "When he called last night, he said it was a last resort." "That he was about to fire his attorneys, they were fools and incompetents, and he needed new counsel, and this time he was willing to pay any price that I asked." "But you refused him again?" "Yes, indeed, I did." "Would you be kind enough to walk with me to my car, Lieutenant?" "I detest being late." "An hour or two after the call, he shot himself." "I don't relish the thought that it might have been because I turned him down." "FINCH:" "It's strange, isn't it?" "Until last night, all I really knew about Frank Staplin was what I'd read in the newspapers, magazines, courtroom gossip." "Like everybody else, I'd formed an opinion long ago." "I thought he was guilty." "Perhaps of worse crimes than he was accused." "But now that he's dead, maybe because a stranger that he turned to for help refused him," "I can't help feeling a certain pity for him." "I can understand that, sir." "What make of car did you say that was?" "It's a Peugeot." "Very unusual." "French." "Really?" "Excuse me." "Once again, sir." "Sorry, I took your parking spot." "Don't give it another thought." "And if you need further assistance, please get in touch." "(SNIFFING)" "Yes, Lieutenant?" "You know, ma'am, there's none of that odor left." "That's a wonderful spray." "And it has a very nice scent to it." "I wonder, ma'am, could you give me the name of that for my wife?" "She might find that useful." "You know what I mean." "I'm so glad you like it." "It's nontoxic, and it's not easy to come by." "But I'll tell you what." "I've got an extra can." "I'll get it for you." "Oh, no, ma'am..." "No arguments." "You shall have it." "(PHONE RINGS)" "RECEPTIONIST:" "Good morning, Mr. Finch's office..." "No, he's momentarily out." "Can I take a message?" "Here you are." "Well, let me, ma'am..." "No, it's not office property." "I bring it in myself." "My compliments to your wife." "Well, thank you, ma'am." "That's very kind of you." "You're welcome." "Through the lobby, up the stairs, past the elevators, take a left, and it's the fourth big double door on the left." "That's right." "FINCH:" "I liked it back there." "JOHN:" "Yes, sir." "Keep that the way it is." "Very well, sir." "And extend the podium..." "Mr. Finch?" "Just one more thing, sir." "When you can spare a minute." "With you directly, Lieutenant." "I'm just finishing up here." "FINCH:" "Well, everything seems to be going according to plan." "If you have any problems, you know where to contact me." "Thank you very much, John." "You run a nice hotel here." "JOHN:" "Thank you." "Well, no difficulty in finding me, I trust?" "None at all, sir." "Thank you." "Uh-huh." "Something turn up?" "Well, I meant to ask you back at the office, but what with one thing and another, you know how things are." "(CHUCKLING) Yes, I was rather pressed for time." "I still am, as a matter of fact." "It's about his voice, sir." "What voice?" "The voice on the telephone." "Mr. Staplin's." "The late night call he made to you." "Yeah." "Well, what about it?" "You said back at the office that you could tell he was desperate." "I think you said that he sounded extremely disturbed." "Well, I think that that's the way that you would have described it had you heard him." "But I didn't, sir, and you did." "What were the words?" "What did he say?" "The exact words if you could remember." "There's no problem there." "I'll never forget them." "Oh, wonderful, sir." "What were they?" ""What the hell am I gonna do?"" "I beg your pardon?" "That's what he said." "Just that?" "Well, he said it twice." ""What the hell am I going to do?" ""What the hell am I going to do?" ""Jesus."" "Oh, he said that, too?" "Yeah." "Then he hung up." ""What the hell am I going to do?" "And that word, and he hung up." "Well, that's desperate all right, yes, sir." "Yeah, you can say that that is extremely disturbed." "(SOFTLY) Oh, dear, dear, dear..." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Well, if you'll excuse me, I'II..." "I'd better be running along." "What?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Certainly, sir." "And thank you very much." "Appreciate it." "Oh, don't mention it." "FINCH:" "Good luck." "Oh, Mr. Finch." "Sir!" "Yes?" "You had a meeting in your office last night?" "Is that a question?" "Well, all the cigar smoke." "Maybe you didn't notice it when you arrived this morning." "Your secretary, Miss Louise, she sure did a number on it." "Quite a lady." "Oh, yes, yes, I don't know what I'd do without her." "As a matter of fact, I did have a meeting at my office last night." "Was that before or after dinner, sir?" "(CHUCKLING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "You know, you're..." "You're rather subtle for a man who appears so overt." "Is that good, sir?" "Oh, it's not too bad at all." "It was after dinner." "Did my wife also get around to telling you what we had on the menu?" "No, sir." "But that meeting was very late, then, wasn't it, sir?" "After midnight, probably." "Yes." "And after the call from Mr. Staplin?" "That's correct." "But the meeting wasn't with Mr. Staplin, was it, sir?" "What o'clock do you have?" "I beg your pardon?" "My timepiece says 10:09 and counting." "Well, I'm sure that your timepiece is correct, sir." "That gives me just under six minutes to make my next appointment, the other side of town." "Now, if I get a speeding ticket, will you take care of it?" "Well, I..." "I detest being late." "And I also detest having to repeat myself." "Now, come on, Lieutenant, don't disappoint me." "A man of your obvious intelligence will not have overlooked the fact that I told you twice already, I believe, that I have never met Mr. Staplin." "Does that cover it?" "That covers it, sir." "Have a nice remainder of the day, Lieutenant." "This will be real quick, sir, I promise." "Would you mind telling me who it was you had that meeting with last night?" "You should know better than that, Lieutenant." "I'm sure you've heard of client-attorney privilege, confidentiality." "Well, maybe you can help me with this other thing that I don't understand." "Your wife told me that she heard the telephone ring just after you two came home last night." "Is that your memory, sir?" "Yeah." "And after the call, you went to your office and met with someone?" "Yeah." "Did you drive, sir?" "Yes, of course." "And the individual you met with, did he drive himself, too?" "Yeah." "What's your point?" "Was that a meeting that was previously planned, sir?" "It was so late at night." "Well, there were actually two calls last night, Lieutenant." "One was from Staplin, and the other was from a client who wished to meet with me at my office on a matter of some urgency." "But I think that your wife said there was only one call, sir." "Oh, there's no mystery there, Lieutenant." "We have call-waiting service." "The second call clicked through while Mr. Staplin was on the line." "Which would account for why your wife didn't hear the second ring." "Because there wasn't one." "Well, that's terrific." "That's very good." "We cleared that one up very easily." "And I'm happy about it because that was one of the few loose ends" "I was still having trouble with." "That's great." "You know what, sir?" "We did it in 72 seconds." "How's that for problem solving?" "Any more questions?" "I can't think of one at the moment, except why aren't you on your way to court?" "That's a good one." "(CHUCKLING) I just loved when you asked him, was he sure he could see in the dark." "Thirty yards on a moonless night." "That was the clincher, when you called him Mr. Cat's Eyes." "Congratulations, Oscar, you did it again." "All right, James." "You nailed me to the wall." "Better luck next time, James." "Thank you." "And the judge nearly had a heart attack when you played the tape of the automatic firing 18 rounds." "(ALL CHUCKLING) MAN:" "At the lawyer." "Back to work, folks." "See you later." "See you later." "Me, too, Lieutenant." "Did you win another, Mr. Finch?" "Oh, let's say that I acquitted myself reasonably well." "Wish I could have seen you in action." "Oh, you're most welcome." "Anytime." "Yeah, I tried to get here earlier, but I had to see Mrs. Staplin." "Oh, really?" "How is she bearing up?" "Oh, courageous woman, sir." "Very courageous woman." "I gotta say that..." "I was just saying that there's something about the case that's gonna keep me awake tonight." "FINCH:" "Which case is that?" "Oh, you know, sir." "Oh, you have a bee in your bonnet about that suicide, don't you?" "COLUMBO:" "Not exactly." "But I can't put it to bed yet." "Something about the fax that's puzzling me." "Which facts are those?" "Oh, no, sir, not the facts." "The fax." "F-A-X." "The machine." "I see." "You are familiar with that instrument?" "We have two of them in our offices." "Well, sir, what's puzzling me is what Mr. Staplin sent on his fax machine to his wife in Hawaii at 12:27, just before he shot himself." "Suicide note?" "Oh, no, sir." "That would be very strange, wouldn't it?" "A suicide note on a fax machine?" "You're losing me, Lieutenant, you're losing me." "I have a luncheon appointment with Congressman Mackey, and the primary is just a few days away, and I really must press along." "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "Maybe you could spare a few minutes after lunch." "What restaurant you going to?" "I could wait outside." "Oh, I'd just hate for you to have to drag yourself all the way across town on some wild goose chase." "Tell me, what exactly bugs you?" "Well, sir, what's bugging me is, since you were kind enough to tell me the last desperate words of the deceased, that," ""What the hell am I gonna do?" "What in the hell am I gonna do?"" "That business." "And, as far as we know, those were his last words." "How he could say that and still send this message on his fax machine just before he shot himself?" "Now, these are copies, sir." "One he sent, and the other one was beside the machine, waiting to be sent." "They're both jokes." "He shot himself between jokes." "Jokes?" "Jokes." "What jokes?" "Good jokes." "Try me." "Well, I don't know, sir, the first one's Jewish, and the second one's Irish." "I hope they won't offend you." "Maybe the Irish." "Well, then we'll just try the first one." "It's in his own handwriting." ""Susan, what gives?" "I tried calling you a few times." ""You fooling around with some gigolo?"" "Well, that's a bit of a joke to start with." "Mrs. Staplin, she was nuts about him." ""Anyway, sweetie, we'll talk later." ""I heard a couple of jokes today." "I think you'll like them."" "The first one's the flasher story." "There was this Jewish lady walking down Beverly Drive, and coming the other way, this flasher guy in his overcoat." "And when he gets up to her, he whips open the coat." "She looks at him and says," ""You call that a lining?"" "(LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHING HEARTILY)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "You know what, Lieutenant?" "If our Mr. Staplin had told me that last night instead of his wife," "I might just have gone round there and heard a few more, and you wouldn't be in a bother, and I wouldn't be late for lunch." "Maybe you ought to..." "Maybe you ought to hear the other one." "Oh, no time." "I can't wait to get that flasher one to Congressman Mackey." "So, what do you think?" "I thought it was a good one." "No, what do you think about a man killing himself after a thing like that?" "Oh, if you solve the mysteries of the suicidal mind, you're a smarter man than I, Lieutenant." ""Call that a lining?"" "(LAUGHS)" "WOMAN:" "Right this way, guys." "MAN:" "Over here?" "Okay." "I'll set up on the desk over here." "WOMAN:" "Put the tripod in the middle of the room toward the desk." "Okay, let's make sure we..." "Excuse me, sir, are you with the network?" "Lieutenant Columbo, with the police." "I wonder if the congressman could spare me a few minutes." "I'm Toby Ritt, the congressman's aide." "Lieutenant, this is really the worst time." "He's just getting ready to take a very important interview with the network." "No doubt you've heard some of the speculation about his future in the political scene." "Well, I'm real sorry if I'm interrupting something like that, Mr. Ritt." "I wonder if you could ask him for maybe just four minutes." "One or two questions." "I'll be done before these fellas are ready." "Word of honor, sir." "Well, I guess it wouldn't harm anything to ask." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "The congressman will see you now." "MAN:" "I see a shadow coming across..." "MACKEY:" "Lieutenant Columbo." "Couple of minutes earlier, you'd have caught me without pants." "Yes, sir." "How do you do, sir?" "Let me say right off the bat that I know how valuable your time is, now more than ever, and I appreciate the few minutes you've agreed to give me, and I'm going to try my best not to overstay my welcome." "The man's more of a politician than I am." "RITT:" "Makeup should be ready in about five minutes for you, Congressman." "Fine." "You just give me a shout, Toby." "Help yourself to a seat, Lieutenant." "Thank you, very much, sir." "This is a genuine antique, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." "It's been in the family for generations." "Yeah." "Last time I sat on one of these things, it broke." "That right?" "Yeah, I was in this lady's house, and..." "You know how fragile they are, and what happened was..." "Oh, well, I'm not gonna get into that." "Just let me say it cost me money, sir." "Well, not to fear." "That one's built to last." "What's on your mind, Lieutenant?" "Oh, this is another antique, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." "May I?" "Go ahead." "What is it, sir?" "It's an antique cigar lighter." "Turn-of-the-century English." "Oh." "Does it work?" "No, it's a family heirloom now." "It belonged to my grandfather." "Well, in that case, sir, if you don't mind, I'll just use this one." "You know, I would really prefer that you did not smoke, Lieutenant." "Now, Toby said that you had some questions for me." "Yes, sir, I did." "Yeah." "Are you aware of the death of a man named Frank Staplin?" "Yes, of course." "A suicide." "Well, that's what we're trying to determine, sir." "You see, the law requires..." "You don't have to tell me what the law requires, Lieutenant." "I was a practicing attorney for years." "What about Frank Staplin?" "You had lunch today with Oscar Finch?" "Yes, I did." "The two of you are old friends, I understand." "Going on 20 years, now." "Well, it seems that Mr. Staplin called Mr. Finch at his house, and as it turned out, that call came in just about two hours before Mr. Staplin died." "Did Mr. Finch happen to mention that to you at lunch today?" "No." "I wonder what reason he had for calling Oscar." "Could I borrow this, sir?" "Help yourself." "According to Mr. Finch, Mr. Staplin wanted a new attorney." "Well, I'm not surprised, considering the fix he was in." "Can't seem to get this to work, sir." "Twist it." "Yes." "Were you aware of any prior relationship between Mr. Staplin and Mr. Finch?" "No." "That's not to say that none existed." "Staplin was one of this city's most notorious racketeers." "Oscar Finch is one of our finest criminal lawyers." "It's entirely possible that their paths may have crossed on some occasion." "And you're not aware of any particular occasion?" "None at all." "(MUMBLING)" "(MUMBLING)" "Is that it?" "It?" "Yes." "Yes, sir, that's it." "Thank you very much." "Let me take this opportunity to wish you a lot of luck." "Well, thank you very much, Lieutenant." "There's one more thing, sir." "Yes?" "If it's not too much trouble, my wife would love to have your autograph." "Why, of course, Lieutenant." "That's no trouble at all." "And when the time comes, I would sure love to have her vote." "What's her name?" "Mrs. Columbo." "MACKEY:" "Where the hell you been all day, Oscar?" "Just busting my gut all over town on behalf of our noble cause." "What's the matter?" "Your boy Toby got me on the car phone." "Made it sound as though you were in need of intensive care." "And I'm in need of one of those." "What's going on, Oscar?" "Come again?" "A homicide detective in my office in broad daylight." "Would you be referring to a certain Lieutenant Columbo?" "Right." "Columbo." "He damn near busted in on my interview with Ted Koppel." "The guy's got an act you could take on the road." "Oh, he's harmless." "Jumped up Boy Scout." "Not funny, Oscar." "And he's not so damned harmless when he's on my case about Frank Staplin." "Is this guy following us?" "How'd he know you and I had lunch together today?" "I told him." "You told him?" "Sure." "Sure, I told him." "He's been snooping around all over the place." "He's just doing his job." "You know that whole procedure." "They have to check on the last people that a suicide was in contact with." "Yeah." "He told me you had a call from Staplin two hours before he died." "Yeah, sure he did." "And?" "Well, he wanted me to represent him in the indictment." "He didn't have a hope in hell, so I told the guy to get lost." "And, boy, did he ever." "That's it?" "That's it." "Come on, Paul." "We've got a lot of work to do." "There's a long road ahead." "Or would you rather forget about the White House?" "(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hello, sir." "Oh, I'm glad I caught you before you go up to see the governor." "MACKEY:" "In three minutes." "COLUMBO:" "Yes, sir." "They told me that when I called your office." "I need only ask you one question, sir, then I'll be out of your hair." "Toby, you and Jim go on up." "I'll follow in a minute." "RITT:" "Yes, sir." "I would be obliged if you would get directly to the point, Lieutenant." "Yes, sir." "Remember the other day, I asked you if you were aware of any previous relationship between Mr. Finch and Mr. Staplin?" "Vividly." "And you answered that question." "Yes." "What I neglected to ask was if you had any association with Mr. Staplin." "For the record, I never spoke with him, never in person, never on the phone." "As far as I know, we were never in the same place at the same time." "I never knew him." "I never met Frank Staplin." "Thank you, sir." "Is that all?" "That was the one question, sir." "If only the rest of this case could wrap up that easily." "Aren't you spending an inordinate amount of time on a suicide?" "Oh, it's not that anymore, sir." "It's been officially classified a homicide." "Since yesterday." "Mr. Staplin was murdered." "Well, that changes the tone of your investigation, doesn't it?" "Indeed it does, sir." "We're looking for a cold-blooded killer now." "Well, wish you luck." "Oh, by the way, sir." "I want to thank you again for that autograph." "My wife was thrilled when she saw your name in your own handwriting." "Best of all was your putting it on that paper with the congressional heading." "Well, I'm happy to hear that." "Oh, I don't want to seem a nuisance, sir, but do you think there's any chance we could get the governor's autograph?" "I think if my wife had that, well, she would be in seventh heaven." "Let me see what I can do." "Thank you very much, sir." "COLUMBO:" "Excuse me!" "Excuse me." "Yeah?" "I got a question for you." "Give me a try." "My wife is convinced I'm smarter than I look." "Now, you pick up and deliver laundry in this area, right?" "Yeah." "I think it says that right on the side of the van there." "You got something more tricky than that?" "Does one of your customers happen to be the Finch family?" "Finches?" "No." "No finches, no sparrows, no robins, no larks." "I got a Mrs. Byrd, though, if that'll do you any good." "No." "And I used to be absurd, but now you'd hardly know it." "Good day, sir." "Mr. Amir?" "That is who I am." "Lieutenant Columbo." "I spoke earlier with your father." "Oh, yes, I've been expecting you, sir." "Yes, sir, how do you do?" "Did you find those items?" "Yes, sir." "Now, this stuff was picked up by your driver from the Finch residence day before yesterday?" "Yes, sir." "We have prepared them for the machine." "(SPEAKING FARSl)" "Here, sir." "(SNIFFING)" "You search for something, sir, yes?" "Smoke." "Smoke?" "Cigar smoke." "Yes." "COLUMBO:" "What caused that?" "Water." "Like walking in the rain?" "Like Gene Kelly." "Oh, yes, that would do it every time, sir." "Mr. Amir, I'd like to ask you for a big favor." "Is there someplace we can talk?" "Anything I can do for the police would be my absolute pleasure, sir." "This way." "What I would like to do, sir, is I would like to take that suit for one day." "I'll give you a receipt, date it, and then sign it." "I guarantee you that you won't be held responsible." "Yes, but what do I say when the client complains that the item has not been returned on time, sir?" "Mr. Amir, there's one thing I know for sure." "That is not Mr. Finch's only suit." "And are your deliveries always on time?" "We have an excellent reputation, sir." "Except only on very rare occasions when we have problems with the machine, sir." "But that can happen anytime." "Yes, sir, that is true." "It could happen anytime." "Thank you." "I appreciate your cooperation." "My pleasure, sir." "This way." "(SPEAKING FARSl)" "Well, good evening, Lieutenant." "Good evening." "I'm sure glad I caught you." "My wife wanted me to give you this." "It's just a thank-you note for the spray." "I'll tell you, she's really enjoying it." "It's a whole different house." "What a kind thought." "She must be a very nice lady." "Yes, ma'am." "I see Mr. Finch's car outside in his own spot." "He beat me to it." "Poor man." "He's catching up on his homework." "What with the primaries and all," "I don't know how he has time to fit everything in." "You think I could duck in there for a minute?" "Let me find out." "FINCH:" "Come in." "Mr. Finch, Lieutenant Columbo is here." "Is he?" "Forgive me for disturbing you, sir." "If it's not convenient now, I can come back another time." "If you don't mind, sir, I just need a little technical advice." "I'm..." "I'm very expensive." "Oh, shucks, sir." "What do you say, Louise?" "I think a break would do you good." "All right." "Come in, Lieutenant." "Are you about through, Louise?" "I'm just going, sir." "Have a good evening." "Good night, Mr. Finch." "Good night." "Good night, Lieutenant." "Good night, ma'am." "At your service, Lieutenant." "Know what this is, sir?" "If I'm not mistaken, that is a.32 automatic." "That's the gun that killed Mr. Staplin." "Is it?" "Well, not the one, but it's the same model." "The real one's been impounded, pending..." "Pending closure of the investigation." "Yes." "Exactly, sir." "Oh, what about it?" "If I could just show you what's puzzling me, sir." "Perhaps I could use your desk." "Be my guest." "Now, sir, I'm going to need something to represent a few drops of blood." "Could I use some water from that thing?" "From the carafe?" "Help yourself." "I notice that you have carpet on the floor, sir." "Mr. Staplin had hardwood under his desk." "Could you spare a few sheets of paper, sir?" "Paper?" "Certainly." "Thank you." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Excuse me." "FINCH:" "Yes?" "Oh, how are you?" "No, no, I can't right now." "I'm in the middle of a meeting." "All right." "I'll call you as soon as I'm through." "See you." "Bye-bye." "I am sorry about that." "We won't be disturbed again." "I've switched all calls through to the answering service." "Now, where were we?" "This is just about the place where the blood was." "Now, let me show you." "This is Mr. Staplin's desk." "I'm his body." "Now, sir, after he's dead, here's his arm." "And there's the gun under it on the floor." "How does that look to you, sir?" "You saw it." "Right, sir." "So, here's the weird bit." "This is the way it looked after he'd done what he was supposed to have done." "But there's something that's puzzling me, sir, and I was wondering, maybe with your expertise, you could help me." "I'll do my best." "If you'll take a closer look, sir." "Closer?" "Yes, please." "Certainly." "In here." "FINCH:" "In there." "In the chair?" "Yeah." "It's the blood underneath the gun." "You see, sir, there was no blood on the gun." "Not on this side, and not on the underside." "So the blood must have dried before the gun fell from his hand on the floor." "You see, sir..." "This water hasn't dried yet." "So how could a man shoot himself, having a gun dangling from his fingers, and it not drop until sometime later?" "It just has me baffled, sir." "Fascinating." "Yes, sir." "But not beyond explanation." "You mean that there's some way that, that can happen?" "Did Staplin have arthritis?" "Arthritis?" "In the hands?" "Oh, I don't know, sir." "Well, check it out." "Oh, yeah." "In the finger joints." "If there was a certain amount of calcification in the finger joints, it could have delayed their extension before the spasm." "Spasm." "Oh, yeah." "Invariably there's a spasm or a digestive quiver that occurs after other bodily functions have ceased, and before the onset of rigor mortis." "So, you mean that the gun could have dangled on his finger with the arthritis," "delaying it from dropping until this spasm or quiver shook it off some time later." "Precisely put." "And that would explain how the blood had time to dry." "Possibly." "Brilliant, sir." "I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years." "Of course, there might be another explanation." "That was just a conjectural analysis." "I can't imagine a better one than that, sir." "I wouldn't hesitate to use it in a court of law." "No wonder you charge such high fees." "The information that you just gave me is priceless." "And thanks for the use of the hall, as they say." "I'll be on my way, but believe me, sir," "I will never forget how you helped me out here tonight." "Any time, Lieutenant." "Any time." "Have a good evening, and kindly close the door as you go out." "I still have work to do." "Certainly, sir." "Good night." "Good night." "It's just us, Oscar." "You appear calm." "But you're not." "Staplin was murdered." "Where did you get that information?" "Where else?" "Our raincoated friend." "He's bluffing." "I think he's got a suspect." "Who might that be?" "You, Oscar." "And how do you feel about that?" "I feel like we've known each other for a very long time, and I feel I wouldn't be where I am without you." "I let you get by with lying to me yesterday because I didn't want to hear the truth." "Maybe I still don't." "Make up your mind, Paul." "Either you do, or you don't." "It's your call." "I'm listening." "He was extorting me." "You killed him?" "I'd really appreciate your believing it was necessary." "Necessary?" "Essential." "For both of us." "There was too much at stake." "I sincerely wish I wasn't hearing this." "He wanted to turn the clock back 21 years." "The missing document routine." "What was I supposed to do?" "You were supposed to tell him to get lost like you said you did." "And sit back and wait for him to tell the rest of the world exactly what happened in '69 about the little favor we did him when you were in the DA's office, the cash that changed hands?" "If it turns out that the prime suspect in a homicide case is vice-presidential candidate Mackey's closest personal friend and advisor, what's the score then, Oscar?" "It'll never happen." "What guarantees do I have?" "I'm convinced that Columbo is bluffing." "He's been hanging around me like a limpet, and he hasn't got a clue." "He's fishing." "Just before I came here, he reconstructed the whole Staplin death scene in my damn office, with the gun and all." "That was the meeting I was at when you called." "Asking for advice." "Who's he think he's kidding?" "(CHUCKLING)" "Wish you'd been there." "You might have enjoyed it." "Might I?" "What about Staplin's phone call?" "You can't shoot a man over the telephone, Paul." "Having guided much of my career, enlighten me on just one more point." "What's your alibi?" "Oscar." "What's your alibi?" "You should have seen the congressman perform on camera in the interview with Koppel." "Personally, I think it's a natural talent." "You either have it or you don't." "You can't give lessons in charisma." "Uh-huh, yeah." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "FINCH:" "Lieutenant, good of you to respond so quickly to my call." "Paul's upstairs with the governor." "He should be down in a minute." "Toby, go check that he's on his way, would you please?" "Thank you." "Well, Lieutenant, I've been practicing law for a very long time, and I value my professional integrity above all else." "But today, I'm going to do a thing that I've never done before." "What is that, sir?" "I'm going to break a trust." "An oath." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir." "It's my understanding that you now believe that Staplin was murdered?" "That's right, sir." "Come to think of it, it's not surprising, considering how many enemies the man must have made." "He was a fairly ruthless operator." "You got a suspect?" "It's a little early to be sure, sir." "But you do have some clues?" "Little things here and there..." "Hypothetical?" "Circumstantial?" "Yes and no, sir." "No proof?" "Not yet, no." "I'd hate to think that there was any suspicion or innuendo attached to me." "So would I, sir." "Remember that I told you that I had a meeting at my office with a client that evening?" "Yes, sir." "Yes." "And I claimed attorney-client privilege?" "Correct." "Confidentiality?" "Yes." "My client." "FINCH:" "The client I was with that night." "How are you, Lieutenant?" "I imagine Oscar's filled you in with the gruesome details." "I know it just about killed him to do it, but to be entirely frank, it's actually my doing and I have to take the blame for it." "You, sir?" "When Oscar first called and mentioned your inquiries to me," "I told him in no uncertain terms to keep my name out of it." "I'm sure that you can appreciate the delicate political situation." "A word in the wrong place at the wrong time could upset, well, certain rather important events." "However, we both now feel that we can rely on your total discretion." "After you told me that the agenda changed to murder, I..." "I felt it would be selfish to further impede your investigation." "I apologize." "I understand, sir." "Goodbye, Lieutenant." "And good luck." "Thank you, sir." "Oh, Lieutenant, I almost forgot." "For your wife." "From Governor Montgomery, with his best regards." "Congressman, if you're on the ticket, sir, you have one vote for sure." "(CHUCKLING) Well, you never know, Lieutenant." "Just might be the one we need to win." "Thank you very much." "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)" "COLUMBO:" "Anybody home?" "Anybody home?" "DIANE:" "Who's there?" "Miss Louise?" "It's Diane, one of the others." "Who's that?" "Lieutenant Columbo." "DIANE:" "The cigar man." "I'm in the bathroom, fixing my face." "Just a minute." "Hang in there." "Well, how do you like it?" "Oh, that's nice, miss." "That's real nice." "It's primary day." "Everybody from the office will be at the celebrations." "Well, there's nothing like a celebration." "I hope everything works out." "Oh, Mr. Finch says it's in the bag." "Shows you how dumb I am, ma'am." "Coming to the office, expecting to find him here at the beginning of a night like this." "Yeah, he'll be in the thick of it someplace." "I'll just wander over to the hotel." "Good night, miss." "Don't forget to lock up." "I won't." "Love that dress." "Have a ball." "Thanks." "Bye-bye." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "(WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN PLAYING)" "Can I help you?" "Lieutenant Columbo." "I have to see Congressman Mackey." "He's in the governor's suite." "Follow me, Lieutenant." "MAN ON RADIO:" "Unit 7, I read you, too." "Big night, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "This is exciting." "Ever been to one of these?" "No, my first time." "(CHATTER ON RADIO)" "I'll go find him." "Wait here, Lieutenant." "MAN ON TV:" "The polls have been closed for about an hour, and so far, nothing conclusive has come in." "Early precincts do not indicate a clear projected winner, but Montgomery supporters are extremely optimistic about their prospects..." "He'll be right out, Lieutenant." "... because the exit polls show the governor clearly in the lead." "The governor is expected to make his appearance within a half an hour..." "What the hell is going on, Lieutenant?" "I thought we had our last little chat." "Tonight is not the time to have another." "I'm sorry, sir." "I think we should go someplace private." "This is confidential you might say." "All right, step into Haines' room." "He won't mind." "He's fully occupied in there." "How's it going, sir?" "Things are looking good." "Damn it, will you get to the point?" "I'm not going to enjoy this, Congressman, and I wanted to get into it easier." "But if that's how you feel about it, I'll oblige." "All right, get to it." "Notice my cigar?" "When I was in your office, you asked me not to smoke it." "When did you give up cigars yourself, sir?" "What makes you think I did?" "Your behavior." "And that beautiful humidor and lighter that was still on your desk." "Three weeks ago, the image of the cigar-smoking politician is out of date." "You quit three weeks ago?" "But after your late-night meeting with Mr. Finch, his entire office smelled of cigar smoke." "Well, I didn't say that I'd quit altogether." "What I have done is avoid smoking within sight of cameras and gossipers." "I see." "Did you drive to Mr. Finch's that night?" "Of course." "Do you remember where you parked?" "In his lot." "Was he there already?" "No, we arrived about the same time." "COLUMBO:" "And you left together?" "That's right." "About 2:00 a.m. As I recall." "Was it raining?" "Raining?" "Yes, sir." "There was a short rainstorm that night." "Was it raining when you left?" "No, I'm sure it wasn't." "It might have happened earlier while we were still in Oscar's office." "Or maybe it happened later after I got home." "Uh-huh." "The scandal in the district attorney's office, '69." "The one involving Frank Staplin, stolen documents." "You remember that, sir?" "I'll never forget it." "It destroyed the political future of a fine district attorney." "Who you worked for." "As an assistant DA." "You said you never met Mr. Staplin." "Damn it, Lieutenant, I wasn't assigned to the case." "We had a large staff." "I was a very small part of it." "Mr. Finch claims he never met Mr. Staplin, either." "So you told me." "But it turns out that 21 years ago" "Mr. Finch worked for the law firm that represented Mr. Staplin." "He was a junior partner at the time." "I doubt very much if he'd have been assigned a case of such importance." "In 1969, Frank Staplin was in bad trouble, and he needed a big favor." "And I think he got friendly with the ambitious Mr. Finch, and they made a deal." "But Mr. Finch needed help in the district attorney's office, a person who had access to the evidence that had to be destroyed in order to save Mr. Staplin." "You were Mr. Finch's best friend." "You were that person." "You can't have proof of this." "The little house you've built is floating on thin air." "That's right." "But it's a house made entirely of glass, and you're inside, and you can't get out." "If I were you," "I wouldn't perjure myself for Mr. Oscar Finch." "(WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN PLAYING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Sounds like the opposition has conceded." "I wish I could say congratulations, sir." "(LOUD CHEERING)" "(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)" "FINCH:" "Excuse me, please." "Thank you, thank you very much." "Thank you." "Excuse me, please." "Excuse me, sir." "Thank you very much." "Well, this is an unexpected pleasure, Lieutenant." "Somebody send you an invitation?" "Not exactly, sir." "You might say this is a working visit." "Oh, no rest for the wicked." "Ever the bloodhound." "Always on the trail." "In a manner of speaking, sir." "Moving in for the kill?" "I hope it doesn't go that far, sir." "May I ask, what are you doing carrying that around?" "You look like a delivery man." "Oh, this?" "Oh, I picked this up at the cleaners today, sir." "Going in for a new look?" "Not really, no." "Lost somebody?" "Some friends of mine." "I thought they might be here by now." "FINCH:" "Have you something to say to me?" "What?" "You waved to me in there." "You gave the distinct impression that you wanted to talk to me." "Oh, I did, sir." "Gee, I nearly forgot." "I got too much on my mind, sir." "Yes, there are a few things I wanted to go over with you." "As a matter of fact, I spoke to management, and they can let us have a room across the hall." "Somebody just finished a sales demonstration in there." "Nice and quiet." "We can talk." "More advice?" "Just two or three points I want to go over with you, sir." "I honestly think with your cooperation we could wrap this case up." "Put it to bed." "Well, that's terrific." "That's just terrific." "But I don't think tonight's the night for that sort of thing, you know." "I tell you what." "Why don't you give me a call in the morning, and we'll get together sometime during the day, and I'll give you all the help I can." "But right now, I'd hate to miss the governor's speech." "But by all means, stick around and enjoy yourself." "Be my guest." "Pardon me, folks." "COLUMBO:" "This is your suit, sir!" "The one you got wet!" "Wet?" "In the rain, the night Mr. Staplin was killed." "I think you did it, sir." "Where's the room?" "That was an extraordinary remark you made just now." "I'm very disappointed in you." "I'm sorry about that, sir." "I thought we had a nice relationship going." "Well, nothing's perfect, sir." "This is your suit, isn't it?" "Well, let me..." "Let me look at it." "Mmm." "That's nice." "Nice fabric." "Yes, I..." "I have one just like it." "It is yours, sir." "It was at the cleaners." "And it was at the cleaners because it got wet in the rain." "Oh, yes." "Yes, so it did." "Where did it get wet?" "Where?" "Where." "Oh, where else?" "Where it rains, of course." "Outside." "When were you outside, sir?" "Oh, when I walked from my car to my office for the meeting with Congressman Mackey, and then when I walked from my office to my car a couple of hours later." "Except according to Congressman Mackey, the two of you left together." "And it wasn't raining at that time." "Well, then it must have been raining earlier." "No, sir, that's not possible, either." "And how does your crystal ball deduce that?" "Well, sir, in your parking space, the ground under your car was dry, so it wasn't raining when you arrived." "It had to start raining after you arrived." "And I noticed that dry spot the following morning when I parked in your parking space." "But there was only one dry spot, not two." "That means there was only one car in the parking lot the previous night." "That means Congressman Mackey was lying when he said he drove to your office and parked in your lot." "And you were lying, sir, when you said you met him there, because he was never there." "And you walked to Mr. Staplin's house because you didn't want your car seen outside his house." "And you killed Mr. Staplin because he threatened to spill the beans about the favor you did him in '69 unless you did him another favor." "And when you left Mr. Staplin's house, it started to rain, and that's when you got wet." "But it stopped raining before you returned to your car, and that's why the ground under your car was dry." "That it?" "That's it, sir." "(CHUCKLING)" "Oh, you..." "You disappoint me, Lieutenant." "You are aware that an accusation of that nature requires proof of presence at the scene of the crime?" "Yes, sir, I'm aware of that." "Do you have it?" "No, sir." "But you do have a dead body with all the indications of suicide, and one self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head." "Tell me, was there powder on the gun hand?" "Yes, sir, there was." "How did it get there if he didn't shoot himself?" "I have no idea." "Then all you have is a load of unsubstantiated circumstantial poppycock." "If you'll forgive me, I think I'll return to the festivities." "But the invitation remains open." "You're welcome to stay." "Please, enjoy yourself, Lieutenant." "Stick around." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)" "PEOPLE: (CHANTING) Montgomery!" "Montgomery!" "You know, none of this would have been possible without your help." "My pleasure." "Thanks." "SERGEANT:" "That's it, sir." "Everything?" "The works." "MAN ON TV:" "... at the Biltmore Hotel." "Governor Montgomery has just been declared..." "Mr. Finch, this is a warrant to bring you in for questioning." "We'll do it here." "These gentlemen will serve as witnesses." "You know your rights." "Is there anyone you want present?" "Let's get this farce on the road." "Just for the record, Mr. Finch, where were you on the night Mr. Staplin was killed?" "At my home and in my office." "COLUMBO:" "When's the last time you saw Mr. Staplin?" "I never met Mr. Staplin." "Have you ever been in Mr. Staplin's house?" "Never." "COLUMBO:" "Did you kill Mr. Staplin?" "No." "This is a piece of chewing gum." "Do you recognize it?" "Recognize a piece of chewing gum?" "Do you remember chewing it?" "Beg your pardon?" "Do you chew gum, sir?" "Occasionally." "This gum was found in your trash can in your office." "There were also three full packs in the top desk drawer, plus a fourth with only one stick missing." "Would you concede, Mr. Finch, that if the teeth marks in this gum match exactly with your teeth marks, would you concede that the average person would believe that it was you that chewed the gum?" "More hypothetical poppycock?" "Oh, it's not poppycock, sir." "Not if it places you at the scene of the crime." "Enlighten me." "Have you ever seen this?" "Police Chief magazine, August issue." "There's an article in here." "That's how I know about this." "I found out that in Fresno, California..." "Here, let me read this to you." "Dr. Benoff, he's a forensic dentist." "It says, "He punctured the alibi of a suspect" ""in a drug-related slaying by matching a wad of chewing gum" ""discarded at the scene to the suspect's teeth." ""Seeing the matched models, the suspect pleaded guilty."" "This is getting to be a big thing." "Bite mark evidence." "That famous serial murderer in Florida, Bundy." "They put him to death because they could match his tooth marks with the bite marks on the two girls." "It's getting to be big." "I'm glad I read this article." "Fascinating as this is, even if the gum were mine, it was not at the scene of the crime." "But this was." "This piece of cheese." "This cheese was on Mr. Staplin's desk on the night of his death, and the bite mark on this piece of cheese" "matches the bite mark on this piece of gum." "This is your dental chart, Mr. Finch." "This is an X-ray of your eyetooth." "It has a distinct chip on the right front side, and a number of small notches running along the other lateral edge." "I haven't taken a mold of your tooth yet, Mr. Finch, but when I do, it's gonna be the same thing as a fingerprint." "The mold of your tooth is gonna match exactly the bite mark on this piece of cheese, placing you at the scene of the crime." "You're under arrest, sir." "Suspicion of murder." "Excuse me." "(INCREASING VOLUME)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Ladies and gentlemen, fellow workers, dear friends," "this is a night to remember!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)" "One bite of cheese." "One bite of cheese." "(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)"