"( foghorn blowing )" "( splashes )" " Man:" "Psst!" " Oh, hi, there." " Smart, it's me, Webster." " What are you doing in the trunk?" "I'll tell you everything." "Here." "Open the trunk so we can talk." "I don't have much time." " The reason I sent for you" " Say, this is terrific." "Did you do this yourself or did you call in a decorator?" "I did it myself." "The reason I sent" "Well, you did a fantastic job." "This is really great." "Thanks." "Now the reason I sent for you" "If I ever have a trunk done up, I'm gonna call you in." " Are you finished?" " There's one more thing." " What?" " Why did you call me here?" "I've been marked for murder, so I'm having myself shipped to Pittsburgh before they can get me." " Why Pittsburgh?" " Why not Pittsburgh?" "Murder is one thing, but suicide is another." "Why do you think you've been marked for murder?" "'Cause I got this in the mail this morning." "I'll admit it's not too ripe, but that's no reason for going to Pittsburgh." "Max, when you get a banana in the mail, you know what comes next." "Cornflakes?" "Forget it." "Look, I need you to do me a favor." "I pulled out so fast," "I didn't get a chance to mail this." " What is it?" " My alimony check." "It should have gone out yesterday." "You mean to tell me that you've been sitting here worried about being murdered and you're late with your alimony check?" "Would you please mail it?" " I'll be back in a minute." " Hurry up." "I want you to lock me back in so I'll be safe." "No... no... no... no!" "And he was only a day late." "( theme music playing )" "( camera shutter clicking )" "Webster was the sixth CONTROL agent murdered this month." "KAOS has really got us with our backs to the wall this time, Max." "What exactly do we know about these murders, Chief?" "I'll give you the facts: each of the victims was a CONTROL agent." "Each victim was killed by someone with incredible strength." "Each victim received a banana in the mail the morning of the day of he was murdered and each victim was discovered with an empty banana peel on his chest." "If there was only a pattern to these crimes." "I talked to the night watchman, and he assures me that nobody but you walked on or off this pier tonight." "That means whoever killed Webster had to scale a 20-foot concrete wall." "Chief, I just got the report back from the lab." " Wait till you hear this." " Go on, 99." "The lab was able to make a positive identification on those prints that we found in the dirt on the other side of the wall." "Do they know whose footprints they were?" "They weren't just footprints." "They were handprints and footprints." "Whoever the killer was walked on his hands and feet." "99, the only thing that walks on his hands and feet is an ape." "Or somebody with poor posture." "You hit it right on the nose, Chief." "It was an ape." "An ape with poor posture." "Ape!" "Well, that explains it." "That explains how the killer could climb a 20-foot wall." "It also explains how it had strength enough to cause all this damage." "99, we've got to stop that ape and keep him from doing anymore harm." "I want you to send out an all points bulletin." "Now just a moment, Chief." "Are you trying to tell me that there's an ape roaming around the streets of Washington, feeling free to kill CONTROL agents whenever he wishes and nobody notices him?" " That's right, Max." " I'll buy that." "( German accent ) Now you behave yourself." "There's a good girl." "I'll be with you in a moment." "( German accent ) Here you are, Dr. Rath." "CONTROL's sixth victim and your sixth check." "Thank you, Cronin." "KAOS is most generous." "At the rate you are going, you will be a very wealthy man." "Yes, but a very lonely man." "I've been much too absorbed in my work all these years." "No friends or companionship." "No woman." "I'm going to take this money and use it to bring myself feminine companionship." "You are going out to find a woman?" "No no no no, to build one." "I'll build one here in the laboratory." "I'm going to make the perfect female." " Maybe you could build me one." " Certainly." "But right now I am more concerned about my next victim." "He should have received his banana by now." "( knock on door )" " Who is it?" " Man:" "It's Armstrong." " Am I glad to see you." " We got here as soon as we could." "Come here." "I wanna show you something." "CONTROL agents are blocking both ends of the street." "There's a squad of CONTROL agents surrounding the entire building." "We've got seven CONTROL agents in the apartments facing this building." "We've asked the CIA for an agent to help us out." "He's stationed on the window ledge of the 81st floor of the Kensington building, which overlooks the entire area." "On the 81st floor?" "That's dangerous." "He could fall off." "That's why we asked for a CIA agent." "Now if you'll excuse me, Cronin," "I must proceed to do away with victim number seven." "Dr. Rath, may I be permitted to watch how you accomplish it?" "Well, ordinarily" "I perform my murders in privacy." "But... seeing as you are KAOS, observe." "( electronic whining, beeping )" "What did you just do?" "I turned on the air conditioning." "It's a little bit stuffy in here." "Now... first, I will contact the ape and then instruct him to kill." " How can you contact him?" " I have placed two tiny speakers in his skull, one behind each ear." " Why two?" " Stereo." "Chucko, can you hear me, Chucko?" "This is Dr. Rath." " I'll fix us a couple of cold drinks." " Sounds good." "Dr. Rath:" "Chucko, can you hear me, Chucko?" "This is Dr. Rath." "Get ready to kill Agent Roberts when you hear the bell." " A bell?" " He has been conditioned to kill" " when he hears this bell." " How can you stop him?" " ( clicking )" " Incredible." "( ringing )" "( ringing continuing )" "( imitating ape )" "( sniffs )" " These oughta hit the spot." " ( imitating ape )" " ( screaming ) - ( clicks )" "Chucko is once again" "CONTROL Agent Armstrong" " when he hears this..." " ( clicking ) ...or a horn." "Then it is an ape, not a human being?" "He looks like a human being and sounds like a human being, but he's actually an ape." " I don't understand." " One year ago" "I took a full-grown mature ape and through a series of injections transformed him so he looks human." "But in his brain is the savagery and the killer instinct of a gorilla." "It is absolutely amazing." "I'll tell you what else is amazing, Cronin." " What?" " That you and I can be here like this and converse in a German accent for hour after hour and neither one of us is German." "Victim number seven." "Roberts got this in the morning mail, and by nightfall he was dead." "I don't understand, Chief." "What kind of an ape could be intelligent enough to put a banana" " in the mail?" " Probably one that worked in the post office." "That's ridiculous, Larrabee." "I understand during the Christmas rush they'll hire anything." "What I don't understand is how an ape was able to slip past 30 CONTROL agents, get into that building, enter an apartment that was locked and bolted, slip past another CONTROL agent and go in the kitchen to kill Roberts." " What is it you don't understand?" " ( telephone rings )" "CONTROL headquarters." "Larrabee speaking." "Just a moment." "I'll see if he's here." "( whispers ) Max, it's your wife." "What are you whispering for?" "In case you didn't want her to know you're here." "Hello, 99, what's wrong?" "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, Max, but something came for you in the mail today." "That's nothing to worry about, unless of course it's a banana." "I'll be home in 10 minutes, 99." "You'll never guess in a million years" " what just came for me in the mail." " A banana?" "All right, Larrabee, stay right where you are." "You're under arrest." " Max, what are you doing?" " Larrabee is the murderer, Chief." "How else would he know there was a banana in the mail unless he sent it?" "It doesn't take a genius to know you got a banana in the mail." "I knew it from the expression on your face." " Then you're both under arrest." " Max, stop being ridiculous." "Put that gun away and apologize to Larrabee." "I'm sorry, Larrabee." "That's okay, Max." "I know how you feel." "Your first banana." "Besides, it's already been established that the murderer is an ape." "( telephone rings )" "CONTROL headquarters." "This is the Chief." "Uh-huh." "What's that?" "That's wonderful." "Good, I'll get on it right away." " What's that, Chief?" " Our first break on this case." "A Dr. Matthew Rath, former assistant curator at the Washington Zoo, he was fired more than a year ago for conducting unauthorized experiments with apes." "He was dismissed and his license was revoked." "Now we've just gotten a tip that Dr. Rath is continuing these experiments with chimpanzees, monkeys, baboons" " and particularly gorillas." " Where did this tip come from, Chief?" "The people who lived downstairs complained." "Now I'm gonna place Dr. Rath under surveillance, but in the meantime I'm not taking any chances." "I'm assigning another CONTROL agent to you, Max." "He'll accompany you home." "He'll stay with you in your apartment, and you are not to leave that apartment until this case is solved." "Send in CONTROL Agent 77." " Who's 77?" " He's a new agent, Max, but he's been doing excellent work." "Armstrong, I'm glad the Chief assigned you to me on this case." "It makes me feel a lot easier." "You don't have to worry, Smart." "Nothing's going to happen to you as long as I'm around." " My car's right over here." " Fine." "Oh, wait a minute, Armstrong." "Before I left the house this morning, 99 asked me to pick up some formula for the twins." "Fine, I'll wait." "( bell ringing )" "( imitating ape )" "( honks horn )" " Armstrong, where are you?" " Up here." " What are you doing up there?" " Just fooling around." "Cut out the monkey business and let's get going." "Now what kind of a sick mind would mark a man for death by sending him a banana?" "Say, that's a-- that's a good one." "( sniffs ) Mmm!" "The aroma." "You really know your bananas." "Yeah, well, I ought to." "I've eaten enough of 'em." " Where's Max?" " He's upstairs with the twins." "Which reminds me, dinner's almost ready." "Oh, is there anything I can help you with?" "You could help me open a bottle of wine," " if you don't mind." " Fine." "I'm so relieved that you're here, Agent 77." "I've been so nervous ever since that banana arrived." "Don't worry, 99-- ( wincing )" "What's wrong?" " I cut my finger on the corkscrew." " Let me see." "Oh!" "We'd better put something on that." " Oh, don't bother." " It's no bother at all." "Here." "There we go." "That's awfully nice of you, 99." "( babies crying )" " Oh, Max." " Yeah?" "One of the babies is awake." "Which one?" "Mine or yours?" "Ours." "It's time for the 2:00 feeding." "I'll get this one, 99." " Are you sure you don't mind, dear?" " No, not at all." "Oh, thank you." "( snoring )" " Max, you're asleep." " Huh?" "Huh?" "That didn't take long, did it?" "You didn't even get out of bed." "Never mind, love." "I'll do it. ( gasps )" "I just remembered something." "I used up the last of the formula on the 10:00 feeding." " You were gonna bring some more home." " I did." "You didn't have it when you walked in." "Oh, I must have left it in the car." "I'll go get it." "I'll quiet down the babies while you make the formula." "( babies cry )" "( snoring )" "Dr. Rath:" "Chucko, Chucko." "This is Dr. Rath speaking." "Chucko, Chucko." "Chucko, listen..." "Chucko, kill Maxwell Smart, then you may have your banana." "But not before." "Chucko, kill Maxwell Smart." "Then you may have your banana." "Chuck, what are you doing up here?" "Chuck, what's the matter with you?" "( screams )" "( sighs )" "( telephone ringing )" " Let's go, Rath." " Hello, Max, this is the Chief." "Oh, thank heavens I'm not too late." "We've just taken Dr. Rath into custody, and we're on our way over there now." "I don't know how to explain this and I don't have time anyway, but CONTROL Agent Armstrong is an ape!" "That's right, Armstrong." "The old fake-fingertips- on-the-fire-escape trick." "Now it becomes a contest between brute strength and superior intellect." "I warn you, Armstrong." "I happen to be an expert at karate, judo and tempura." "That's one for me." "Now we both broke one." "( glass shatters )" "( imitating Tarzan's yell )" " Max, are you all right?" " Yes, I'm fine, 99." "Oh, Max, isn't it ironic?" "It took a modern jungle to kill that beast." "No, 99." "'Twas Beauty who killed the beast." "Beauty?" "Oh, Max, thank you." "Oh, I didn't mean you, 99." "Beauty is the brand-name of these bananas." "( theme music playing )"