"[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]" "♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪" "♪ Got the feelin' That something' ain't right ♪" "♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪" "♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪" "♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪" "♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪" "♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪" "♪ Ooh, ooh ♪" "What the fuck?" "!" "What the fuck?" "!" "What the fuck?" "!" "You've got a gun?" "!" "You've got a you!" "You've got a gun!" "The thing is that you..." "This is so Ray Donovan, am I right?" "I asked you if you have a gun and you said no!" "Oh, here." "That box is for weed!" "Don't taint my weed box!" "Oh, God." "Frankie, come here." "Just sit down for a second and hear me out." "Please?" "I'll pace, thank you." "You know, moving target." "You're right." "I didn't tell you about the gun." "But only because I knew it was gonna upset you." "Isn't that me being sensitive to your feelings?" "Only if "sensitive" and "feelings" are marksman terms." "Why do we have to make such a big deal of this?" "This is a big deal!" "You just shot a gun in our house." "It could have been me!" "It is me!" "Oh, God!" "You shot it... her..." "me right between the eyes!" "Look, I didn't go on a murder spree." "I just shot that..." "What is that thing?" "A dummy?" "The politically correct term is "decoy."" "Well, I'm sorry that I scared you, but that... "decoy" scared me." "Oh, you poor, scared murderer." "It's not murder if it's an inanimate object!" " I hate guns!" "You know that." " I do know that." "I do know that, but look, the thing is I am a really responsible gun owner." "I keep it in a safe," "I lock up the bullets separately, and I'm a great shot." "I mean, you have to admit, that is very impressive." "Shooting someone between the eyes, from behind, in the dark." "Nothing you can say will make this okay." "I will not live with a gun in the house." "You have to get rid of it." "End of story." "Not "end of story."" "Frankie, you told me that you feel safe because of me." "To keep you safe, I have to feel safe." "I feel safe when I have a gun in the house." "Ergo, we need a gun." "Don't you "ergo" me." "And there is no "we" until you get rid of that gun." "Oh." "What are you doing out here?" "Couldn't sleep." "I keep thinking about last night." "It still is last night." "Yes, well, guilt is nature's Adderall and shame is nature's cocaine." "So, I'm riding kind of a stimulating cocktail right now." "You don't have to keep beating yourself up." "I keep thinking about why I got so upset last night." "And you were right." "I do have this weird shame about being in the closet all those years." "Why?" "We're out now." "I'm not entirely out." "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about my mother." "This is about your mother?" "I have to do it, Sol." "I have to come out to her." "Oh, God." "Please don't." "You don't owe that Irish Voldemort anything." "I'd be doing it for me." "You think coming out to her is going to make you feel better?" "Yes, I do." "When has that woman ever made you feel better about anything?" "Does she still refer to me as "the loud, tall Jew at the law firm"?" "Only to distinguish you from the "slender, black one."" "She's never going to give you what you want." "She's not capable of it." "Sol, I know what she's like." "I'm not expecting her to suddenly sprout a new personality." "You want me to come with you?" "Distract her with my lanky Semitism?" "I appreciate the offer... but I need to do this alone." "Okay, just... promise me you won't let her get to you." "I promise." "What's wrong with me?" "I usually revel in an awful break-up." " Like Craig Diettrick." " Craig Diettrick, exactly!" "The audacity of dumping me at prom." "At least you got him back when you changed his yearbook quote to" ""I'm Craig and neither of my balls have descended."" "That's what he gets for catching me cheating on him." "This is fun." " I never have fun anymore." " Oh, me either." "What if I had Mitch watch the kids tonight?" "You and I could go out." "We are out." "No, I mean "out" out... at night." "Look." "Look!" "Amazing baby cleavage." "I could borrow one of your slutty dresses." "Let's go out and look slutty together." "Fun!" "If only I didn't already have plans." "Before you ask, if you're not a box of wine and a bag of donuts, or a bag of wine and a box of donuts, those plans don't concern you." "Do you want me to ruin your pedicure, because I will smudge it, bitch." "Okay." "Okay." "I'll go!" "Frankie?" "Frankie!" "Okay, breaker one-nine." "Frankie, hello!" "Now you're not even answering your walkie-talkie?" "I lost it." "What are you doing, Frankie?" "I'm not going into the house until you get rid of your .55" "Magnum." "Don't you think this civil disobedience show is a bit much, huh?" "I saw this on an episode of The Brady Bunch." "So did I, and it was very effective for Marcia." "Well, I see you've eaten." "How'd you get your breakfast?" "I opened the kitchen window, used my grabber to reach in to get a bagel and jam." "By the way, there's a fair amount of jam on the floor in the kitchen." "Come on, Frankie." "We haven't gotten anything done since the break-in." "How are we supposed to catch up if you refuse to come inside?" "Think of it like you're in the New York office and I'm in Tokyo." "I'll Skype you once I figure out the time difference." "Really, Frankie?" "I think I've made myself perfectly clear." "I'm not coming in until you get rid of your..." "You're gonna have to come into the house if you wanna keep berating me." "Damn it!" "Good." "Now... we're gonna have to send out an email blast to drive people to our website." " We need traffic." " Whoa." "Slow your roll." "None of that's happening until you get rid of that gun." "I get it." "You're mad." "We were both upset last night." "A gun was fired." "A doll was shot." "A "doll"?" "A decoy, of me, with some of my actual hair!" "But it wasn't you." "If it were, then, yes, it would be bad." "Prison bad." "You held my face in your hands and promised me." "Frankie, I have had that gun for 15 years." "I have had it at the beach house this whole time." "You didn't care when you didn't know about it." "Why can't you just go back and not know about it?" "I know we've had our shit, but at least we've always been honest with each other." "I'm sorry, okay?" "Can we please just move on?" "Sure." "Fine." "No problem." "Except no fucking way." "May the truth live in my mind, on my lips, and in my heart." "Hello, Mother." "Robert." "Well, I wasn't expecting you." "Did my birthday come twice this year, or were you afraid I'd die before Christmas?" "You're never gonna die." "You're far too stubborn." "Your Aunt Ann came by last month." " So you're speaking to each other again?" " No." "And how is Uncle Billy?" "I'm not speaking to him, either." "What's that you're working on?" "Friday's crossword." "Once I finish this, I have nothing left to live for." "I brought you something." "It's a Kindle." "It's really amazing." "You just tell me all the books you want to read," "I order them online, and they show up right in here almost immediately." "It's all done electronically." "Yes." "I know what a Kindle is, dear." "Mrs. Montgomery has one." "Oh, good." "She doesn't like it." "It's too bright." "She says it hurts her eyes." "Well, I can adjust the brightness for you." "I don't know." "I suppose it seems a little... self-indulgent not even to be able to turn your own pages." "I'd miss the feeling of earning my pleasure." "Right." "So why did you come to see me today?" "I, uh, just wanted to talk about... stuff in my life." "Don't mumble." "Is everyone okay?" "The girls?" "No, everyone's fine." "It's nothing bad." "That's what you said when you told me about the divorce." "Oh." "Well, actually, I... want you to know that I, uh... recently got remarried." "Oh." "Well, I guess my invitation got lost in the mail." "Who is she?" "How young is she?" "You remember Sol?" "You mean the loud Jew from the law firm?" "You usually mention he's also tall, but, yes, that's the one." "What about him?" "He's the one I married." "What are you talking about?" "I married Sol." "Oh-ho." " This is because of Grace, isn't it?" " What?" "So you married the wrong woman, but that doesn't mean that you're..." "Gay." "Yes, it does." "I am gay." "And a man named Sol Bergstein is the love of my life." "And now I'm lucky enough to call him my husband." "I probably should have started with the "I'm gay" thing, but I thought if I... mentioned the "I married a man" thing it would clue you right in." "Aren't you going to say anything?" "What do you want me to say?" "You know..." "You're happy for me?" "Fine." "I'm happy for you." "What?" "You surely weren't expecting some kind of blessing for this." "No." "But I... was kind of hoping you'd surprise me." "Surprise?" "I don't do that." "He is really a wonderful man." "He's everything to me." "Well, you know, you are just like your father." "Gay?" "Selfish." "You were always a selfish boy." "Now, I see you've grown into a selfish man." "Really?" "I could have happily died never knowing that you were one of them." "I see." "Goodbye." "Robert?" "Yes?" "Why don't you take that Kindle thing with you." "I'm never going to use it." "Hey, love." "Just wanting to know how it went, and hoping you're doing all right." "Let me know..." "Oh, hang on." "The other line is ringing." "Hey, hang on one second." "I'm on the other line." "I'll call you back." "Or you call me back." " Sorry about that, Frankie." " It's the other one." "Oh." "Hi, Grace." "Robert's not here." "He drove up north to visit Cruella de Vil." "She's your mother-in-law now." "Enjoy." "Thanks." "Actually, I'm calling for you." "Oh, okay." "Have you seen Frankie by any chance?" "No." "Is everything okay?" "Uh, yes." "Fine." "It's just, um... she left at noon and I haven't seen her all day." "When was the last time she checked in?" "She, um... she hasn't checked in." "Huh." "I mean, she once checked in from the back of a minivan I was driving." "I know." " Did something happen?" " We had a fight." "I mean, nothing crazy, but just our usual odd couple shenanigans." "She seemed especially heated, though." "Must have been." "She didn't even call me to complain about you." "Did you call the boys?" "Yeah, and they've already called all the Del Tacos." "Nothing." "How about the "Find My iPhone" app?" "Did that." "The man at the gas station who's had it for a week wasn't very helpful." "Maybe she's with Jacob?" "No, he's out of town and I'm out of places." "Do you want me to come over?" "Sol, that's not necessary." "Stay there." "I'll be right over." "No, Sol..." "Why did Dad just send us a text saying he loves us unconditionally?" "Hmm." "Must be enjoying Scotch O'clock." "On that note..." " Later, skater." " Where are you going?" "It's the perfect time to leave." "I'm drunk enough to take an Uber, but not drunk enough to flash the Uber driver." "Last time I did it, the lady got real mad." "No!" "No, no, you can't go." "Mitch hasn't been punished nearly long enough." "When I told him I was going out, he asked if that meant he had to "babysit."" "Babysit." "His own kids." "This seems like a nuanced argument where both sides are dumb." "Okay..." "Oh, sorry to reach over you like that." " It's cool." " Reach all you want." "Another round, please." "Did you call the people in her Tuvan throat singing group?" "Yeah, I tried." "It might shock you to hear that a bunch of Sherpas don't have phones." "How mad was she when she left?" "Oh, you know, maddish." "Mad." "Real mad." "What did you do, Grace?" "Nothing!" "I didn't do anything." "It was a misunderstanding." "What was the misunderstanding?" "I have a gun and she misunderstood that I have one." "Oh..." "Nobody hates guns as much as she does." "Coyote had to stop running track because Frankie would get so upset every time the starter pistol went off." "And your solution was to have him quit the track team?" "Wow." "That explains so much." "To be honest, he was getting a lot of participation ribbons, too." "Judases!" "Frankie, thank God." "The two great betrayers." "Are you having a betrayer's dinner?" "Do you have a club?" "We were worried about you!" "Oh, now you're worried." "When a bullet is whizzing by my head, nothing." "But I hang out a few hours with my yogurt-shop friends and now your concern kicks in." "I forgot to call her yogurt-shop friends." "Did she tell you she shot at me?" "You shot at her with a gun?" "I shot a dummy!" "Are you carrying now?" " Sol, pat her down." " Ah!" "I only came back to find out if that repulsive implement of death is out of my house yet." "It happens to be our house and no." "You have to get rid of it!" "Why?" "Because you say so?" "You are unbelievable." "Miss Trust-Circle-Talking-Stick won't even entertain having a real conversation about this." "There's nothing to say about it, Miss Gun-Circle..." "Shoot..." "Stick." "Eloquent rebuttal." "You see?" " Why do you even have a gun?" " Robert gave it to me." "Robert gave it to you?" "Oh, no." "Is there one in our house?" "No!" "Sol, could we focus on the gun in my house right now?" "Right, right." "Okay, okay, perhaps there's a compromise..." "How is there a compromise?" "I keep the gun here three days a week?" "She shoots half a round into the sofa?" "You see how she exaggerates?" "You see how she tries to dehumanize me with the third person?" "Did you ever consider for one minute that that gun is for your safety, too?" "You were the one that was so scared and wanting to be protected!" "♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪" "♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪" "What fresh hippie hell is this?" "She used to do this at town meetings." "It's her form of a filibuster." "♪ When she comes ♪" "♪ She'll be driving six white horses When she comes ♪" "She could go on for a while." "♪ She'll be driving six white horses ♪" "♪ She'll be driving six white horses When she comes ♪" "♪ When she comes ♪" "Thank you very much for the drink." "I'm Ryan, by the way." "Hello, Ryan." "Evidently, I couldn't help myself." "You seemed like a Manhattan man." "Well, I do love a maraschino cherry and this is the manliest way to eat one in public." "Why don't you join me?" "Uh, maybe later." "I just have to go talk to my sister in an angry whisper." "Why did I just buy square-jawed-Ryan a drink?" "Because we think he's handsome and we might want to get gross with him." " We?" " You." "Just gross with you." "I don't have the energy for charming, flirty conversation." "And also I had barbecue for lunch." "He is so handsome." "And did you smell him?" "It was like a vintage leather club chair, and lemons, and strong, calloused hands working their way around a woman's body." "Okay, I'm switching this out for water." "You're chasing a vodka martini with vodka?" "Are you insane?" " You can't handle a "Grace Hanson."" " I'm having fun!" "Since when is your idea of fun getting drunk and sniffing some guy?" "You do realize you have a husband waiting for you at home." "You know what's waiting for me?" "Mitch just texts that Maisy, you know, our girl baby?" "I know who she is." "She shit all over our bed." "He wants me to come home because he doesn't know what to do." "That's my life:" "a shit-covered bed and a man who can't figure out laundry." "Don't go." "Get a room here for the night." "Make him clean it up." "You don't get it." "I always have to clean it up." "I really hope that's metaphorical." "You're so lucky, you don't even know." "You have all this freedom." "That freedom's been a real boon to me lately." "But at least you get to do what you want." "I don't know what I want." "I only know what I don't want." "But you're not trapped." "You feel like you're trapped?" "I don't know." "Sometimes." "Lately..." "I just..." "I feel like there aren't a lot of surprises for me down the road." "You know, my kids will grow up, they'll move away," "I'll become a grandmother." "I'll get my face done, my grandkids will graduate from college," "I'll get my face redone, and then I'll die." "I mean, that's silly." "We'll all be dead from loose nukes long before most of that stuff happens." "You think?" "And I don't think you're trapped." "Who are you kidding?" "You would hate my life." "Oh, for sure." "But, I mean, you've always wanted a family and now you have one." "Yeah." "Mitch just texted again." "I have to go." " Listen..." " No..." "All I'm saying is, you still have choices." "And if you get to choose... choose that." "I love you." "I love you." " I'm just gonna..." " Okay." " That just..." " Mmm!" "Jesus, Mal." "What is going on?" "It went everywhere." "It went everywhere." "♪ She'll be wearing red pajamas When she comes ♪" "♪ She'll be wearing red pajamas When she comes ♪" "♪ She'll be driving six white horses ♪" "♪ She'll be driving six white horses ♪" "♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain When she comes ♪" "Frankie, come to the shooting range with me and you'll see how safe it is." "♪ We will all shout hallelujah... ♪" "Jacob!" "Ah!" "♪ When she comes ♪" "Oh, thank heavens you're back!" "Yes, I flew back in a plane to the airport." "I know how planes work." "Do you know how picking people up from the airport works?" "I was supposed to pick you up." "I'm so sorry." "It's cool." "I was just worried when you didn't show up or answer your phone." "It was a day of worry for all of us, Jacob." "Oh, hey, Sol." "Why were you guys worried?" "Because last night I was gunned down in effigy, and now Annie Oakley refuses to give up her kill stick." "I might be missing a few pieces of this story." " Grace has a gun." " And...?" "Grace has a gun." "That's... terrible?" "You should get rid of that... gun." "Why are you pausing weirdly?" "I'm not... pausing." "Oh, yeah." "I just heard it." "This is important, Jacob." "I know you're okay with a bow and arrow, are you okay with handguns?" "Can I make myself a sandwich or something?" "No, no, no, wait a minute." "I'm interested to hear your view on this." "Seriously, they don't feed you on the plane." " Now, in the old days they used to..." " Jacob!" "All right, fine." "I worry about you two living alone out here." "Especially after that break-in." "So maybe it's not such a bad thing that Grace has a gun." " Thank you!" " No "thank you"!" "I can't believe this." "There's only so many betrayals I can take during a 24-hour period." "Fuck all y'alls!" "What did I do?" "I'm not one of the y'alls." "Oh, you're a "y'all," Sol." "I'm sorry, Frankie, but you asked for my opinion." "No, don't say you're sorry." "You're just being honest." "Don't defend my boyfriend." "Well, somebody has to." "You're biting his head off." "After all he's done for us?" "What have I done?" "Oh, are you kidding?" "Enough to deserve that sandwich." " Go make yourself a Sammy!" " I'll make sandwiches." "No!" "He can make his own sandwich!" "Why should he make his own sandwich?" " A guy that's loaned us $75,000?" " What?" "Well, I know I'm not supposed to say anything..." "Then don't!" "Everybody but Grace go in the kitchen and get yourself a sandwich!" "Frankie, what's going on here?" "Jacob, did you loan us $75,000?" "I did not." "What?" "!" "Oh, boy." "Um..." "So how did you do that thing with the cherry stem?" "I tied it with my hands and popped it in my mouth when you weren't looking." "Impressive." "It's gonna be $300 for tonight." "Is that okay?" "You're funny." "And you do smell good, like... bourbon and fancy soap." "Hmm, I'm not joking, $300 for the night." " What?" " I'm an escort." "What?" "I thought you got the gist before when I said, "$50 to make you holler."" "Um, no, I thought that was just an odd shout-out to Tone Lōc." "I'm sorry." "I thought you understood what was happening here." "I did not." "Oh, my apologies." "I'd better be going." "Again, I'm sorry for the confusion." "Um..." "Just out of curiosity, what happens when someone says, "I can't do this"?" "Well, then I take off my shirt and ask, "Are you sure?"" "I can't do this." "Are you sure?" "You're back." "Hey." " How'd it go?" " Good." " Really?" " Yeah." "She took it far better than I expected." "Sends her love to you." "Said she's sorry about all the awful things she said about Grace and Bill Clinton." "I think she's knitting us a wedding blanket as we speak." "Oh, sweetheart." " I'm so sorry." " It's okay." "No, it's not." "Hey, it's what it is." "For what it's worth, I'm proud of you." "I think what you did was very brave." "What is, breaking the heart of a 90-year-old woman?" "It's sweet that you still think she has a heart." "I'm just surprised that she can still muster up enough energy to be..." "Her." "Tell you what, if my mom were still alive, she'd bake you a blintz casserole, kiss you on the head, and tell you you're wonderful." "Ooh, so I can eat blintz casserole now?" "Absolutely not." "But... you are wonderful." "You hypocrite!" "You can't compare having a secret gun to getting us a secret benefactor!" "This was a good lie." "Like when I told Sol it was perfectly normal for an adult man to like marionette theater." "Okay, first of all, that is a bad lie." "Second of all, you went behind my back to my daughter!" "I don't know what your problem is." "I wouldn't be mad at you if you went to Coyote." "So he could write one of his homemade checks?" " You know what?" " What?" "I'm sick of you saying terrible things about my kids." "I'm sick of you telling me what I'm allowed to pitch at the incubator and what time I have to have breakfast and whether or not there's a gun in my house!" "I'm sick of all of it!" "I'm sick of you." "I'm out of here." "Until you come back." "Don't hold your breath." "♪ And so the outside It bashes us in ♪" "♪ Bashes us about a bit ♪" "♪ Feel it tugging you Plowing you flat ♪" "♪ Then feel it filling your sails And warm on your back ♪" "Okay, good night."