"Well I'm sorry I don't know why my son would have done that." "It appeared that your older son was encouraging his little brother to twerk during prayer." "It was very disappointing." "Disappointing." "Well, yeah, it's disappointing." "I mean, it's a pretty old joke." "I impersonated Miley, like, what, a year ago, twerking at the vma's, and now they're doing it?" "Yeah, I mean, I thought I taught them better." "Come on." "I don't think that's the point." "Honestly, I don't know what the point is." "I'm on my way to tape my stand-up special," "I'm on my way to tape my stand-up special, which, by the way, I offered the school free tickets at the auction, but my donation was denied based on subject matter." "So, I'm sorry, 'cause you're gonna miss out on a pretty fun night." "But listen, I'm not taking this lightly." "I'm gonna talk to my husband, he's a total hard-ass, and cannot twerk worth shit." "So once he gets ahold of them," "I promise you they will never twerk again." "That's for sure." "So... sorry." "What is up?" "!" "Woohoo!" "You guys, this is so awesome!" "Thank you so much." "What-what a treat to be able to do stand-up 15 minutes from my house, because most weekends I have to fly and travel, and people always say, "god, don't you hate that?" "Having to travel every weekend?"" "Having to travel every weekend?"" "I actually don't mind it at all, because i do this thing when I go through tsa security," "I suggest you guys try it, um," "I leave a little quarter in my pocket." "Ever happen to you?" "It's kinda nice." "Let me just tell you." "The dykey tsa officer is like," ""excuse me, miss, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to swipe you."" ""Oh, okay."" ""Do you mind if I do the other side?"" ""No, I don't." "No I--"" ""is that an underwire bra you're wearing?"" ""I don't know." "Is it?" "Is it?" "Oh!"" "It's just nice, you know, to be touched..." "It's just nice, you know, to be touched before a long flight, 'cause, um I'm married, so I have to pay people to touch me, and, uh..." "So, like the first thing I do, whenever I'm on the road, is I book a massage." "And last weekend I was in San Diego and I got this massage, and the guy did it so good." "He just totally worked out all the knots, you know, in my breasts." "And then..." "But then he was like, "you know, you should start getting massages on a weekly basis, 'cause you're still just carrying a lot of stress in your vagina."" "And I was like, "okay." "I had no idea that there were toxins in there," "I had no idea that there were toxins in there, but thank you for releasing them, Raul." "You know, you are the professional," "I didn't go to school for it, so who am I to judge, you know?"" "Yeah, so I have been married 13 years." "Thank you." "Happily for six." "There's some ups and downs, but you know what," "I made a promise to god, and I plan on going to heaven, and the rest of you can fuck off, okay?" "'Cause I'm on the list." "I am on the list." "No, I, uh," "I do feel kinda like right now in America, like, the most celebrated woman is the divorced woman." "Like, the most celebrated woman is the divorced woman." "Everyone's like, "good for her." "She kicked him to the curb, and she lost all that weight, and single mom's club, and..."" "That's all well and good, but what about the woman that's stuck with a fat fuck for 35 years?" "You know?" "Why isn't she getting any props?" "I mean, isn't she kinda like the unsung hero of America?" "I mean, come on." "I was watching this thing on the news, and, uh i love it when they do those stories when the soldiers come home, you know, and there was this marine, and he came home, and he surprised his son on the football field." "...marine, and he came home, and he surprised his son on the football field." "And then they said, "and earlier in the day, his wife greeted him at the airport."" "And she was not a bad-looking woman, so I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but she showed up in, like, a greasy ponytail and an ill-fitting sweatshirt." "I'm like, "really?" "You're hot marine just did 18 months in Afghanistan, like, you can't get a blow-out and slap on some lip gloss?" "Come on!"" "No wonder our soldiers come home depressed." "It's like, "god, step it up, wives, seriously."" "My husband fixed the water pressure on our kitchen sink, and I blew him." "That's what I'm doing for America." "That's what I'm doing for America." "Okay, he's not killing terrorists, making it safe for us to live, you know?" "But it was really drippy, and then it was really strong, and I just wanted him to know that I appreciated it, 'cause it really made a difference..." "My husband." "I love him, but he's cheap, and I wanna tell the girls that are maybe dating someone who's cheap, or you're newly married, it doesn't matter how well you do, if you're husband is cheap, he's cheap for life." "It's a genetic gene." "I figured it out." "It's a genetic gene." "I figured it out." "My husband, and his sister, and his mother are all carriers." "There's nothing you can do about it." "You just gotta roll with it to make the life, you know, better, and, uh" "But there is a bright side." "If your husband is like mine and insists that you share a fountain drink at a panda express," ""why would you buy two?" "I mean, they're like $1.73." "What are you, crazy?" "No one's gonna say anything when you fill it up twice and ask for two straws." "I mean, okay, fine, you don't want the kids to go to college?" "Well, whatever, be frivolous." "Lose the house."" "So if your husband insists that you share a fountain drink ...if your husband insists that you share a fountain drink at a panda express, ladies, there's an excellent chance that he will never spend a grand on a hooker." "I'm just saying." "Let's look on the bright side, and let's keep these families together." "Can we do that for America?" "Can we?" "We have three kids, and, uh, the other day we wanted to do something fun together as a family, so we decided to go to chipotle." "And, um..." "The problem was my husband had two coupons but you're only supposed to use one per family, but you're only supposed to use one per family, so we had to pretend like we weren't a family." "I swear to god." "I wish I was making this up." "I went with my daughter." "We waited for, like, a stranger or two to come behind us, and as we're going through there burrito line, we're like, "don't look at each other."" "You know." "And then we sat at two different tables, just doing something together, but not really together." "And then, my son forgot, like half-way through the burrito bowl, like, tried to tell my daughter something, and she's like..." ""No, Drake, we're not supposed to know each other!" ""No, Drake, we're not supposed to know each other!" "What dad did was illegal, he's gonna be arrested, we're gonna go to jail, he's gonna lose the house!"" "Like, nice childhood memory." "The girl is gonna have, like, post traumatic stress disorder every time she sees some salsa now, great." "Then my husband said to me, he goes, um," ""so this box of condoms is about to expire, so you might wanna do somethin' about it, or what?"" "I'm like, "I dunno, I am so wet right now," "I don't know if I can control myself..." "I don't know if I can control myself..." "When you talk to me like that, so sexy, it's just..." "I'm so horny now."" "I'm like, "you know, there's some half and half in the fridge that's about to expire." "You wanna..." "Want me to make a pot of coffee?" "We can drink that while we bone, 'cause I don't wanna..." "Waste anything, ever." "Let's eat all the food in the house before we ever shop again."" "God forbid." "It's like..." "And we have three kids, and I guess we're done." "We probably should be done, you know?" "You know when you see those families that rolled the dice and went for the fourth?" "That rolled the dice and went for the fourth?" ""Maybe you shouldn'ta had the fourth."" "You know what I'm saying?" "But I still kinda play with the idea." "Like, I'm always like, god, you know, if I find out my friends are pregnant, or I see little babies, or I watch that show "I didn't know I was pregnant,"" "you know, where they go through the entire pregnancy not knowing that they're pregnant." "A woman just gave birth to, like, a nine pound baby." "I hear stories like that and I get jealous." "I'm like, "well, why can't I be fat enough to have a cramp, go to the hospital, and come home with a baby?"" "I would love that!" "Like, you don't have to worry about," ""god, am I too old?" Or "can we afford it?"" ""God, am I too old?" Or "can we afford it?"" ""Do I have to give up alcohol?" You didn't know." "You didn't know you were pregnant, ya know?" "Everybody's happy for you after the fact, they're like, "what happened?" You're like," ""well, one day I had to take a big shit, and it turned out my shit had a face!" "Here's the baby!" "It's just a little gift from god." "The lord works in mysterious ways."" "And there's so many shows on TV right now about babies, or teen mom, or, like, the duggars, you know, they're like 19 and counting, or 21 and counting." "That's that family with all those kids, and..." "That's that family with all those kids, and what kinda freaks me out about Michelle duggar, the mother, it's not her horrible perm or her bad bangs, it's, um- it's that she's got that weird Christian voice" "that always kinda freaks me out when, like, a woman my age sounds like that." "You know, she's like," ""Well, something that Jim Bob and I like to do is we make sure that we always go on date night." "Twice a week, we always have a date night." "We've never missed it." "Always have those date nights."" "It's like, maybe you should cut out the date night, whore, okay?" "!" "I think you've had enough date nights." "Let's curtail it back." "You've got 21 kids, you know?" "Close up the legs." "Let's..." "Close up the legs." "Let's..." "Seriously..." "So, um, I, uh," "I'm actually catholic, and, uh, thank you." "And, uh and we send our kids to catholic school, and, let me-I'll be honest, I'm a bit of a lapsed catholic." "We don't go every Sunday." "We only go to church when I need to pray for something really important for myself." "Or have, like, a really great outfit to wear, you know?" "Because going up for communion's like a little runway." "It's like..." "So..." "But, you know, and we came from one of those families that was like," "I would say to my mom, "mom why don't you ever go to confession?"" "She's like, "well, I just feel like, why waste the priest's time when you're perfect?" "You know what I mean?"" "So..." "When you send your kids to catholic school, let me warn you guys, it's not that great." "It's like having a bunch of little narcs running around the house." "It's like having a bunch of little narcs running around the house." "It's like, "oh, you said a bad word, you broke one of the ten commandments."" "It's like, "oh, fuck you." "Shut up, you nerd." "Go read your Bible on your iPad." "Like..." "Then my son, the older son, he's my least favorite, he..." "I'm not saying forever." "Right now pretty annoying." "Not the one you wanna take to the mall, you know what I mean." "When lent started, he said to me, he goes," ""mom, what are you gonna give up for lent?"" ""Mom, what are you gonna give up for lent?"" "I'm like, "god, I dunno." I've never given up anything for lent." "I learned from my mother, you know, why bother?" "And, uh..." "I'm like, "I dunno." And he goes, "well, I talked to to my teacher, and she said it has to be something that you have every single day that's a real sacrifice." "I know, mom, you should give up chardonnay."" "I'm like, "uh, Jesus does not expect you to give up your medication." "Okay?" "I don't know what that's school's teaching you, but I'm pretty annoyed that I'm paying for it."" "It's like, "god..."" "And then my other son, he's, uh, and then my other son, he's, uh, really outgoing, he's like, whenever we watch the voice, you think you can dance," "he just starts singing and dancing and going crazy, which means one of two things." "He's either gay or..." "Well, he's gay." "And..." "But then my friend was like, "you don't know for sure."" "You know, she didn't want me to get my hopes up." "Obviously, I have two sons, I need at least one of them to grow up and be gay." "Who else is gonna take me to brunch every Sunday, 20 years from now, okay?" "It's about my joy and my happiness." "You think I want some little slut that's gonna stick my son with 18 years of unwanted child support, that's gonna stick my son with 18 years of unwanted child support, or a fabulous twink boyfriend that wants to take me on a cruise and shopping?" "I mean, when I think about my life in my late 50s, a gay son is the way to go, let's face it." "You know?" "So then, my friend is like, "you don't know." "You know, he could just be going through a stage." "You know, what kind of music did your older son like at that age?"" "And I thought about it." "I was like," ""well, mostly Mexican, 'cause we were going through a lot of remodeling at that time, and he just really took to it."" "At six in the morning, he's like ♪ la cucaracha ♪" "At six in the morning, he's like ♪ la cucaracha ♪" "He's dancing around." "But, you know, it's kind of, um, it's kind of annoying, 'cause it's like, you know, whenever you turn on the TV it's always some other a-list actress who's just had a baby," "and they act like they're the only people that have ever given birth, and you're like, "no, a couple of other people have done it."" "So, um, drew Barrymore was on the other day, and she's pregnant, she also had a baby, and she's like, "oh my god, thank you so much." "I can't-- No, seriously, it's amazing." "I can't-- No, seriously, it's amazing." "I cannot believe I'm a mother." "It's so surreal." "It's such an incredible blessing." "And we named her olive because she is just a little olive." "And..." "And I'm, like, a huge dork, so now I'm like a dorky mother, but it's truly a miracle, much like the movie I did called big miracle, which is about whales being trapped under the sea" "in Alaska during the '80s." "And, it was just such a special film, get it on blu-ray." "And, it was just such a special film, get it on blu-ray." "It was really a special cause." "Something very dear to my heart." "And I'm just thrilled, I'm a sommelier now." "Yes, I have a winery, "Barrymore wines."" "It's just a blend of Pinot grigios and sauvignon blancs, but it's totally fine that I drink now, because I went to rehab but that was when I was nine, and it was for cocaine." "So it's completely fine, yes." "And... thank you." "It's amazing."" "And then I saw that she had her own cosmetic line called flower cosmetics, you can get it at Walmart, and I was like..." "Well, I can see why she had to do that, well, I can see why she had to do that, because she was the spokesperson for covergirl, then they let her go, and I knew why." "Because the commercials were like..." "New lash blast mascara..." "With 50% more bristles, it's a stroke of genius for big, bold, easy, breezy, splash-proof lashes." "And don't forget your lipstick lip stain." "How, you ask?" "It's not a lipstick." "It's a lip stain that absorbs instantly into your lips for a look that's so sophisticated." "Get it in stores now!" "I'm like, "who the fuck wrote this copy?" "!" "I'm like, "who the fuck wrote this copy?" "!" "Do they not know who their spokesperson is?" "!" "I mean, seriously, you could write around the s's." "My god!"" "Poor thing." "It's horrible!" "I, uh, I recently wrote this article where I came out and admitted to the world that I did not breast feed my sons." "Everybody relax." "They're tall, they don't have earaches, and my tits still look great, everybody wins." "S'okay!" "Everybody's fine." "Everybody's fine." "Everybody's fine." "But I knew at the time, it was, like, a total taboo, you know?" "So I'd be, like, at a cafe and my son needed to eat, so I'd, like, put a blanket over my shirt." "And then I'd shove him under there and put, like, the similac bottle in between my tits." "And then the waitress would come over and I'd pretend like he's biting my nipple." "I'd be like, aaah, it's okay, it's okay." "It's okay." "It's for my son." "It's brain food." "It's fine, it's fine." "And then I'd be like, "oh, shit, now I can't order a Margarita."" "Like, I finally have my one night out of the house so annoying." "And then there's a big thing happening right now called attachment parenting." "I dunno if you guys know about it, but basically, it's like you carry your baby around in a satchel strapped to your body like an African villager, 'til they're nine years old, and you end up divorced and with scoliosis." "Like, really?" "Is that what we're doing now?" "'Cause I, personally, being a mom in la," "I get a lot of shit, 'cause I vaccinate my kids." "Sorry, I don't want them to get polio, so fuck off." "I mean, honestly." "What is..." "I'm like, "what is the alternative?"" "You know?" "Homeschooling them?" "You know?" "Homeschooling them?" "I can't even get through ten words of spelling." "Like, I can't teach them about photosynthesis." "I mean, I don't know what's up with that." "They'll ask me for something, and I'm like," ""Hold on, let me go to the bathroom."" "And then I, like, Google on my phone." "And I'm like, "no, that's not the capital of Alabama, dumb-dumb." "God."" "So, I'm at this party with these other Hollywood moms and the word gets out that I do vaccinate my kids." "And all these women start coming up to me, and they're like," ""oh my god, Heather," "I'm just really surprised that you vaccinate your children," "I'm just really surprised that you vaccinate your children, 'cause that's so unhealthy for them." "You've really... gotta spread those shots apart, because otherwise- let me get another line." "Whoo!" "It can really change their personality, and have you..." "Have you looked into a gluten-free diet?" "Have you?" "Have you?" "'Cause wheat's the new enemy." "It really is." "I'm like, "I think I know how you lost your baby weight, bitch, okay?" "And it wasn't doing downward dog and it wasn't doing downward dog unless you were sniffing lines of cocaine off the wood floor, you frikkin' hypocrite."" "It's like, oh my god." "So, uh..." "So, I have two boys, and, um," "I'm talking, kind of, to the moms of sons here." "I don't know if you guys experience this." "But as a mother of sons, I have this thing I call "little girl envy,"" "and it usually happens when we're at a restaurant, and I look over at a family that has kids my sons' age, but they're girls, and they're sitting there and they're coloring within the lines," "and they're like, "may I have some more fruit, mother, please?"" "And they're like, "may I have some more fruit, mother, please?"" "And that's usually when my sons have now taken the silverware and they're, like, trying to, like, kill each other with it." "We were at a p.F. Chang's, my son climbed over the tall booth, into a stranger's booth, stole their fortune cookie, and was out in the parking lot before I knew what happened." "I'm like, "oh, this is a fun night, glad we went out."" "So, at my school, they said we're gonna do, um, a seminar on how boys and girls learn differently." "We've kind of figured it out and you should come." "This guy had written a book on it, he was some professor, and he goes, he was some professor, and he goes," ""the reason they learn differently is because the male and the female brain are built completely differently." "A woman's brain is like a multi-level highway." "She can do many things at once, she can multitask." "And a man's brain, in contrast, is like a sad two-way street." "Just don't interrupt him." "Let him finish one task at a time." "Write it down." "Show him." "Like, I was like, "okay." So they're like," ""if you have a boy, you should sit him in the front of the class, sunlight should stream in, he should have plenty of water." "Every two hours you have to feed him." "Every two hours, just throw some food at him, because otherwise, his personality could change on a dime." "Because otherwise, his personality could change on a dime." "And embrace weapon play, because even if you give them Barbies, they will end up hitting the shit out of each other with them." "Okay, they will make a gun out of a chicken nugget." "Just embrace it."" "And then the final thing they said was, they said," ""and, 99% of all men hear better in one ear, and it's usually their right ear."" "And, um," "I'm like, "okay, you know, okay, that's interesting."" "They actually retain the information if you sit next to them and talk into that ear, versus looking across from them." "I don't know if they get distracted by our tits, or what." "But, you know, every time that I've been like, but, you know, every time that I've been like," ""look at me!" It doesn't matter, so a couple days later, my husband's driving us to San Diego, like a nice little trip, a weekend trip, and I look over, and he's driving," "and I'm like, "oh, there's that right ear."" "Sunlight streaming in, he's got a thing of water, he just enjoyed a granola bar." "I'm like..." "This could be, like, a great time to have, like, a really meaningful conversation with him." "So, I said, "honey i was thinking if I died and all my friends were single, which one of them would you wanna marry?"" "Which one of them would you wanna marry?"" "And..." "Some people kind of groan, and it's like, look, I know which friend of his I'd wanna sleep with." "We've all thought about it." "It's a three hour drive." "Can we have a juicy conversation, or not?" "I mean, come on!" "We don't have trust issues." "Who gives a shit?" "Let's get-- come on." "So, he says to me, he goes, "Heather if you died i am never, ever getting married again." "I'm just so fucking tired."" "I'm like, "well, now, how the hell..." "I'm like, "well, now, how the hell is that a compliment?" "That is not a compliment, okay?"" "Then I got kinda pissed, I'm like, "oh, really?" "You're tired?" "I am the one who should be frikkin' tired, okay?"" "Because my husband snores, and he doesn't just snore, he's actually been diagnosed with sleep apnea." "And I know this for a fact because, I don't mean to brag, but we do have health insurance." "He, like, spent the night in the university, and they came back, they're like, "he has sleep apnea, which means he actually stops breathing in between the snores."" "Which is, like, pretty serious." "So he comes home, and he gets, like, this apparatus, and he gets, like, this apparatus, that looks like he's outta the movie alien, or something, and I'm like, "okay, well good, you know, like, put it on." "Let's, you know..."" "And he's like, "oh, fuck that shit, let's have another bottle of red wine and a cigar."" "He does this thing where it's like he goers around the asshole, separates the balls, and does, like, a dog leg jiggle." "This started like two years ago." "I'm like, "what, did your asshole just get itchier in the marriage?" "'Cause I don't remember you doing that."" "He's like," "I'm like, "have you had a cold for a decade?" "!" "Get a neti pot." "What the fuck?" "!"" "I can't handle the clearing of the throat!" "So this is basically any given night that I'm about to go to sleep." "I lay my head on the pillow." "I'm like, "okay..."" ""Oh fuck, it's starting." "Fall asleep, Heather." "Fall asleep." "Fall asleep, you dumb bitch." "Fall asleep!" "You got three seconds to fall asleep!" "Fall asleep!" "Oh, god." "Fall asleep!" "Oh, god." "Why did you stay up late to watch the housewives?" "You have to fall asleep before him!" "You have to fall asleep before him!" "Oh, god, I don't wanna go on the couch." "I don't know where the sheets are that fit that thing, and it pulls out, and, god damnit." "Is it wrong to take nyquil when you don't even have a cold?" "Is." "Dr. drew gonna come to my house and be like, 'you know what?" "Now you're addicted to nyquil." "You've taken it 17 days in a row." "We got you a place at promises.'"" "It's like, "oh my god, did you cross over to the other side!" "?" "Did you see the light?" "Tell me, what's it like." "Did you talk to papa Joe?" "What about Amy winehouse?" "Is she mad that I used to make fun of her?" "I'm sorry." "It was just a really good impression and we owned the wig." "I'm sorry."" "I am telling you, in between the snores," "I have decided what I'm gonna wear to the funeral." "I have decided what I'm gonna wear to the funeral." "I'm going with a simple black wrap dress." "I'm not gonna go with these shoes, they're a tad garish, my husband did just die." "I wanna do it with a simple wedge." "It'll be better for the grass in the burial." "And then, I i don't care what my mother says," "I'm going with the pre-made deli sandwiches." "I think it's weird when someone has to make their sandwich from scratch." "They're in mourning." "It's weird." "You're stuck with the Russian dressing and the yellow bread that's in your fridge for a year, reminding you of the death." "Like, I have frikkin' thought of everything." "Sometimes I'm like, "you know what?" "I could really use a sister wife."" "Like, I get it, you know?" "Who am I to judge your lifestyle, you know?" "Not just to sleep with my husband on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but just to help with, like, the homework and stuff." "You know?" "'Cause I'm not good with the arts and crafts and you know those mormons know their way around a glue gun, and..." "I don't know how to cut felt and all that shit." "Like... it's awful." "God." "And it's like-it's just hard." "The other day my son, the younger one, the other day my son, the younger one, called me into the bathroom in a panic, and he's like, "mommy, mommy, come here!"" "I'm like, "what's wrong?" And he's sitting on the toilet, and he goes, "look, mommy."" "And I look between his legs, and there in the toilet bowl is a hotwheels car parked between two giant shits." "He's like, "mommy, you gotta get it, please, mommy, please, it's my favorite one, mommy." "It's got the lightening bolt on the side." "Please, I'm sorry I dropped it!" "Please, pretty mommy, please!" "You're the prettiest, pretty mommy, please, mommy!"" "Disgusting." "Now, obviously any woman in my position would call for the husband to help out and fish out the hotwheels car." "But on this particular day, I didn't have that luxury, 'cause my husband was out golfing, which can go anywhere from three to 13 hours." "Why that game takes so fucking long, I don't know." "Also, ladies, you know there's no cell reception on any golf course in all of north America." "Doesn't matter if you're texting, email, att, verizon, nothing works." "Nothing works." "I'll be like, "I tried to call you."" "He's like, "oh, really?" "I guess on the ninth hole, I don't know what happened."" "So, my son is traumatized." "I'm like..." ""You know what, Heather, you are the mother, you signed up for it, like, just get the car out." You know, so..." "I got a ladle and I'm like..." "You know, horrible." "Couple hours pass, I'm like, okay, whatever, you know, get on with our lives, you know, get on with our lives, and my husband walks in and I'm like," ""hey, you get a hole in one, or scrabble, or par six, or whatever, 'cause if you're hungry I whipped up some soup for you." "I dunno, got a little black bean organic." "I don't know if you're hungry."" "I'm like, "well..." "You know, you're gone all day, at least tell me what is goin' on with Joe's divorce."" "He's like," ""We don't talk about stuff like that."" "For seven hours?" "!" "Let me tell you something." "I talked to this Joe for four minutes at a kid's birthday party." "I talked to this Joe for four minutes at a kid's birthday party." "I found out that is wife was addicted to oxycontin, okay?" "He put a tracking device on the top of her range rover, and found out that it was parked very day at her trainer's house, Kevin, for four hours a day, and she gained weight." "That's the kind of shit I bring home to the party, okay?"" "And you know when you have juicy scoop for your husbands, they-they eat it up like a sorority sister." "They're like, "really?" "What?" "Oh my god." "Why'd she say that?" "Why didn't they invite you out to dinner?" "That was rude." "Did you see her post?" "I don't know about that..."" "Like..." "They don't reciprocate!" "It's like, what?" "They don't reciprocate!" "It's like, what?" "All he does is come home with a sunburned face, like, thanks a lot, Santa claus." "How's golf enhancing my life at all?" "This is bullshit!" "Everyone always talks about marriage." ""Oh, who's getting married?" "Who's getting married?"" "And uh..." "People are obsessed with when Jen Aniston's gonna get married and we get all the magazines, you know, every week." "It's like, "when are they gonna get married?" "Oh, she's pregnant with twins."" "But I just saw her on the interview, and she's always matter-of-fact about it." "She's like, "no, we are good." "We are great." "She's like, "no, we are good." "We are great." "No, Justin and I, we're raising our own chickens, and making our own omelets from scratch, we're good." "We're great, yeah." "Yeah, I've got my aveeno skin care, and my smart water, and a really great hair serum." "I am good." "I am great, yeah." "We'll go to Mexico," "I like a really great Margarita, and I like to do my yoga." "I am good." "I am great, Ross!"" "It's just so..." "I also, uh, have a beautiful stepdaughter, and she's beautiful, she's actually half vietnamese, so..." "Yes, I do enjoy the free foot massages every other weekend, thank you." "Now I get 'em all the time 'cause she lives with us full-time, and..." "Um..." "And..." "You know, even though she lives with us, her mom will still call and leave me a million messages about how to feed her." "And I'll have-- with two days, I'll get six messages and I'll have-- with two days, I'll get six messages that go something like this," ""Hi, it MacKenzie mom." "I'm just calling to make sure that you give MacKenzie broccoli." "She like-a healthy food." "She like-a healthy broccoli." "Don't you just give her hot dog and popcorn like you give to your boy." "She like the healthy food." "She like the healthy broccoli." "And you make sure it's fresh, not frozen neither." "And you can afford it." "You can afford it." "You tell Peter he can afford it!" "And you cut up all the little pieces." "And you cut up all the little pieces." "To much not good." "It not good." "It not good." "It not good." "It not good for my MacKenzie." "She like-a healthy food." "She like-a healthy broccoli." Beep!" "I'm like, fuck, I get it, she likes the broccoli, like..." "Give a stepmother a break." "And because I am the stepmother, and we've been, like, villainized in every Walt Disney movie ever created," "I really go out of my way, like, to be really nice." "She has the biggest room." "Every morning I'm like, "hi, would you like some scrambled eggs or some chocolate chip pancakes?"" "Would you like some scrambled eggs or some chocolate chip pancakes?"" ""Come on, leave me alone."" "I don't know if any of you have a 14 year-old daughter in your life, or girl, 14 year-old girl, but, uh, mine doesn't listen or speak, so it's like living with Helen Keller, it's a real blast." "And, uh..." "So..." "I'm like, you know, "hey, personality plus, can you just, like, crack a smile?"" "So, she had this big science project due, and, um, and, um, and my husband and I kept going, "can we help you?" "It's a big part of your grade."" ""No, just shut the door!" "Leave me alone." "Ugh."" "So she gets it back and she gets a c+, and, you know, because it's a completely average, unoriginal science project." "She took three plants, three different waters, tap, distilled, and bottled, and saw which plant flourished the most." "I had a great idea for an original science project, you know, but nobody asked the stepmother." "Mine was, you take tampons, you soak it in three different kind of vodka, mine was, you take tampons, you soak it in three different kind of vodka, and you shove it up three different sized women," "and you see who gets drunk the fastest." "Now that is an original science project that has not been done to death." "Can't you just see the little board thing, and you compare Belvedere to cîroc, flavored versus not, how tall the girl is, how long she kept it in." "I've got three girls back at my office that would have been a test subject on any given Tuesday, okay, you know." "But, no, don't ask me, I'm just a stepmother." "I don't know, I'm not looking forward to these teenage years" "I don't know, I'm not looking forward to these teenage years that we're in." "There was this one story when I was in catholic school, in the Bible, I don't know if you guys know it, but it kind of bothered me as a kid, but it really bothers me as a mom," "and Jesus was about 13 and he had wandered off, for like a day." "Mary had no idea where he was, and she fi- she was very worried, she finally found him, and for the first time he was preaching to the elders in the temple, and she said, "Jesus, I didn't know where you were." "I was so worried about you."" "And he looks at her, and he says, "woman, don't you know who I am?"" "I'm like, if I was Mary, I'd be like," ""yeah, Jesus, I know who you are, okay?" "I gave birth to you without ever having sex, let alone an orgasm, alright?" "In a manger with hay up my ass, no epidural, three strange men I didn't know from Adam who insisted on being there for the birth, like that wasn't a little awkward, no I don't need any myrrh." "Yeah, Jesus, I know who you are, I was just a little worried."" "I mean, even Jesus as a teenager was a bit of a prick." "I'm just saying." "It's not sacrilegious, he was human, everyone relax." "It's not sacrilegious, he was human, everyone relax." "Right now my sons are in that..." "Stage, you know, that horrible stage, organized sports." "Talk about fuckin' up a girl's weekend, it's like..." "Pretty much praying that neither of them succeed at anything." "It's like, "no, I don't really wanna get in an rv and go to, you know Bakersfield with a traveling soccer team." "No, I don't." "I hope you lose." "I really do."" "It sounds awful." "And, uh..." "But this one thing happened one time at a soccer game." "My sons have my husband's last name, which is dobias." "You know, but I'm known as Heather McDonald, but I have dobias on my license, like, in case one-you know, like an emergency, like one of them has to go to the emergency room," "or I need my husband's credit card, like something really important." "And..." "But I'm at the soccer game with my sons, and t-the team mom is like," ""okay team snack today is dobias." "Dobias?" "Do you know who dobias is?"" "I'm like, "I dunno, I'm Heather McDonald." "I'm like, "I dunno, I'm Heather McDonald." "Like, some mom's gotta get her shit together, 'cause these kids were excepting their orange slices, like, come on!" "Get an icalendar, like, what's you're problem?" "You know?"" "Because, you know, I just, uh," "I worry about my kids, you know, growing up and not being grateful," "I think we all can agree with that, you know, living in America, and everybody having so much, but I also know that I am never gonna wake up at 50 and look my kids in the eyes and say," ""I gave yo the best years of my life."" "'Cause I didn't." "Like, I'm out here with you guys..." "'Cause I didn't." "Like, I'm out here with you guys..." "I'm traveling the country getting felt up by strangers, drinking and shopping." "It's pretty great, so..." "But, you know, I try to teach them, you know, to be grateful, and I say, "you guys have no idea..." "There are kids in Africa that have no apps at all." "Just imagine the horror of a blank iPad." "What would you do on a car ride?"" "You know, so I try to teach the, but, um..." "This one thing happened and I didn't even plan on it, this one thing happened and I didn't even plan on it, but we watched the amazing race with our kids, and, uh, the contestants were in India," "and they were in the very poorest part of India, and my kids were kinda like taken aback, and I'm like, "I'm glad you're seeing this, 'cause this is about how one third of the world lives." "You guys are so lucky." "Just the fact that you were born in America, you're blessed."" "And... and, um..." "So..." "Then a couple days later my sons started giving me some 'tude." "You know, I'm like, "could you please, you know, could you please go brush your teeth?"" ""I'm doing it." "I'm doing it." "God, you told me so many times." "I'm doing it."" "God, you told me so many times." "I'm doing it."" "And so I said to him, I go," ""you know what i actually don't think I'm the best mom for you." "I actually think you could do better, I'm just saying." "And I went on the Internet and I found this site." "It's like eharmony for mothers and sons." "Turns out you're a perfect match with a wonderful woman in India, and she has a son about your age named rashid, and we talked, and rashid's gonna come over here and play with your Xbox and swim in your pool," "and you're gonna go over and play with his rocks and flies."" "And you're gonna go over and play with his rocks and flies."" "And..." "At first he was kinda freaked out, you know, and he's like, "no, I don't wanna go." You know." "And then he got that I was joking, and then it kinda became this thing that he and my younger son would sort of tease each other if they're about to get in trouble they'd be like," ""ooh, you're get in-- You're gonna get in trouble."" ""No, you're gonna get in trouble." "You're going to India."" ""No, everyone's gonna see you take a poopoo bath with strangers."" ""No, everyone's gonna see your butt hole" ""no, everyone's gonna see your butt hole in the middle of the street, 'cause there's no toilets."" ""No, you're gonna eat stinky rice with cows in the middle of the town."" "And it was just something fun, you know, that we did in the home." "Every family's different, you know..." "And I didn't think much of it, and then one day I had to go to bank of America, and I rarely go to the bank, you know, anymore, and I had to go, and I, like, had the boys with me," "and I just put 'em near an empty loan officer's desk." "I'm like, "just sit there." And, uh..." "And I'm doing my business and they start punching each other, but I don't turn around until there's blood." "And they start punching each other." "And they start punching each other." "And it starts." ""Ooh, you're in trouble." "No, you're goin' to India."" ""No, you're goin' to India."" ""Everyone's gonna see your butt hole because you gotta take a poopoo bath with strangers."" ""No, you're gonna take a poopoo bath with strangers in the middle of India."" ""No you are, and you're gonna eat the stinky rice with the cows."" "And I look up, and every teller is clearly from India." "And at that point you just gotta own up to it." "And I'm like..." ""I am so sorry but who's kids are those?" "I mean, seriously." "...but who's kids are those?" "I mean, seriously." "Awful."" "And then I had to, like, sneak out of there so they didn't see me abandoning them, and just like..." "So they..." "'Cause my worst is when another parent thinks I'm a bad parent." "Like a parent tries to parent you." "I think that's the worst." "We were in costco, and my son was about five at the time, and this woman was, like, right next to us, and someone had bumped their cart into my son by accident," "and he goes," ""what the fuck?"" "And... she looks at me, and I know what she's thinking, obviously he got the language at home, you know, I'm a horrible mother, should she call child protective services, does the child need to be removed and go to foster care," "like everything's going through her head." "So I just go," ""I am so sorry, but my son has tourette's, okay?" "So I'm sure you can imagine what I go through having to raise a child like that, so empathy here, mother to mother."" "So empathy here, mother to mother."" "And then, like, she was kind of was still hanging around us during costco, so then I was like, "okay, listen." "You're never gonna say it again, but right now you're gonna say fuck a few times." "Twice by the grapes, and then by the roses, and then you're never ever saying it again." "She's watching." "Just go, 'fuck, fuck, grapes, roses.' by that woman, and then we leave, then you're never, ever saying it again."" "I don't know if-I feel like this kind of happened to me about year ten of my marriage," "I don't know if any of you guys have found it." "I found I became weirdly obsessed with shows like snapped, forensic files," "48 hour mystery, dateline, basically anything that deals with infidelity, killing one's spouses, disposing of their dead body for insurance money." "I cannot get enough of those shows, especially when it's about rich white people." "I'm like, "oh, give it to me!"" "I frikkin'" " I get a big glass of chardonnay, my husband, you know, dvrs it." "He's like, my husband, you know, dvrs it." "He's like," ""there's a real good one tonight, it's two hours long." "It's a bout a dentist." And I go, "oh, yeah!"" "Like, I love it." "But a little tip to any of you that are offing" "Ever thinking of offing your spouse, may I suggest, I've watched enough of these, do not mapquest where you're gonna dump the dead body, because I'm not that swift on the computer, but, woohoo, note to self, they track that shit back to your hard drive, okay?" "So buy a map in cash from a place with no surveillance cameras." "I'm just saying." "Also, ladies, do not schedule your boob job also, ladies, do not schedule your boob job for the day after your husband's funeral." "It also does not bode well for the defense, but, um..." "My favorite stories are the ones" "I think they're on daylight, it's when Keith morrison..." "He narrates it." "He's the guy with, like, the fluffy white hair." "But then they try to hip him up with, like a chocolate leather jacket." "And he tells the story, and he's like," ""it was an unusually cold October evening in this sleepy midwestern town when the doorbell rang at 9:15." "...when the doorbell rang at 9:15." "A little late for visitors, perhaps a lost pet, or something faaar more sinister."" "I get so excited." "Nothing pisses me off more, though, than when I'm about half way through, and I'm like," ""oh, god, I saw this one." "This is just, like, a ten minute update on an appeal at the end!" "Screw you, dateline, how dare you trick me like that?" "Is no one new killing their spouse?" "Like, what's up?"" "I also love, uh, Nancy grace." "'Cause Nancy grace, something happens with Nancy grace where she will get ahold of a story that no one else is even reporting on, and she will do, like, 78 episodes on this same missing person." "And 'bout a year ago, a couple of us from work were gonna go to Mexico, to cabo, and, you know, there's been a lot of crime there and everything, so, of course, I tell my mom, and she's a bit of an alarmist," "and she's like, "you can't go to Mexico, they decapitate you the minute you get off the plane!"" "I'm like, "no, mom, I think we'll be okay."" "You know, and so, like..." "Then I start to think about it, I'm like," ""what if something did happen to me while I'm on this trip?"" ""What if something did happen to me while I'm on this trip?"" "And then Nancy grace gets ahold of the story, and every time you turn on hln she's like," ""Where is this missing mother of three?" "!"" ""Let me ask you this." "I'm gonna ask you this question 'cause I find it perplexing." "Okay?" "Is it appropriate that a married mother of three be wearing a bikini around her co-workers?" "I don't think so." "Where is this missing mother of three?" "!" "Let me ask you this." "I'm gonna ask you this one question 'cause you are the expert in the field, and then we're gonna go to break." "This woman, Heather McDonald, is holding a huge glass of chardonnay on the cover of one of her books, obviously she's an alcoholic." "Where is this missing mother of three?" "!" "Let me ask you this." "I'm gonna ask you this one question, and we're gonna go to break, 'cause I find it perplexing and it is disturbing, okay, obviously this woman probably woke up in a sun-drenched drunken haze," "in a sun-drenched drunken haze, and is wandering the streets of Mexico with drug cartel all around" "Maybe this woman is so stupid she deserved to be kidnapped." "I don't know, but what I do know is I'm the only one who is asking where is this missing mother of three, and why am I the only one who is looking for her?" "!"" "Can you imagine?" "All... the free publicity that I could get form that." "...that I could get form that." "I do occasionally get recognized, and um," "I love it." "And, uh," "I was at a Starbucks recently, right here in la, but it was one I had never been to before, we have more than one, and I, um..." "So I was looking down at my phone as I'm waiting, and the barista goes," ""Heather, what can I get for you?"" "I go, "ooh, god, thank you." "Um, I'll have a Turkey bacon sandwich and a latte, and here's a couple dollars for you." "Thanks for not canceling your cable," "I really appreciate that, I know it's been a tough economy." "Thanks for watching."" "Thanks for watching."" "And then she's like, "Heather, what can I get for you?"" "I'm like, "I'm good." "I can wait." "I'm fine."" "Again, she's like, "Heather, what can I get for you?"" "I'm like, "hey, stars are just like us." "You know?" "I can wait."" "And then I realize she's saying, "hey there." "What can I get for you?"" "To every single person that walked into the Starbucks." "So I'm like, "okay, now who feels like a big a-hole, okay."" "And I, uh," "I was at target the other day, and, um," "I don't mean to brag, but there's one, like, really close to my house," "I don't mean to brag, but there's one, like, really close to my house, pretty convenient." "And, uh, I was there, and these two teenage boys kept looking and whispering at me, and, obviously, you know, I do look a lot younger than I am, but after a while I'm like, "sorry, I can't go to prom with you."" "And then, um, then I kinda panicked because I realized" "I was wearing a red shirt and tan pants, which is not the outfit you wanna wear when you're shopping at target." "'Cause they're not, like, really strict with the uniform, 'cause they're not, like, really strict with the uniform, you can kinda make it your own, like do a Capri pant, or like, a collared shirt, or just a simple v-neck." "So I'm like, "oh fuck, they're gonna ask me where the swiffers are."" "You know, like..." "And then..." "You know, they keep looking, and I'm like," ""I dunno, maybe they know me from stand-up or what."" "You know, and finally they're like," ""Celine?"" "And let me tell you something..." "I know I look like Celine Dion, because people tell me at least once a week," ""hey you look like Celine Dion."" "And, you know, she's an amazing talent, a great singer, and, you know, she's an amazing talent, a great singer, but can we all agree she's kind of a geek?" "Like in every interview, she's like," ""You know we got a puppy." "We did." "And you know, my son rené, he used to have such long hair, and I used to say, "honey, let me cut it, open up your face a little bit, sweetheart."" "But he said, "no." You know why?" "Because he's nine and he makes his own decisions." "♪ And that's the way it is ♪" "♪ That's the way it is ♪" "You know I just gave birth to twins." "I did, yeah." "And when they graduate from high school, my husband rené will be 103." "But rené, he is my everything." "And you know when we make love I have to get on top because he has a heart condition." "But it is amazing all three times a year."" "♪ 'Cause I'm his lady ♪" "♪ I drove all night ♪" "Celine!" "Kinda tries to act, like, rock and roll, now." "So my husband and I, we went to go see her at Caesar's and, uh, you know, she sang great, and she was beautiful, well, obviously, because she looks like me," "and, uh..." "But she tried to be funny, like, in between the songs." "She'd be like," ""oh, well you know, now I have three boys." "Actually four."" "Oh, shut up." "Like big, old, fat rené is like her fourth son." "It's like, we all remember when you were 12 and he as 50 and you went on your first date." "That wasn't frikkin' weird?" "We just forget about that?" "So, uh..." "So, uh..." "The other day my agent called me, and he's like," ""hey do you wanna do... this..." "This gig, this private gig?"" "And when you're a stand-up, sometimes you're like, corporate events or private parties, and they pay very well." "The only kinda hitch is that you have to incorporate who you're performing for into your stand-up." "So like, if I was doing an accounting firm, I'd be like," ""oh, Brad and his calculators, am I right, ladies?"" "And then everybody nudges each other," ""oh, she's talking about Brad."" "And..." "And..." "Not every gig can be a cool, you know, north Hollywood valley crowd, like I like here, you know." "Catholic school doesn't pay for itself, people, okay, you gotta do what you gotta do." "So I said," ""well, yeah, I wanna do it." "What is the event?"" "He goes, "well, they wanna make sure that you do adult humor."" "I'm like, "well, yeah, I'm not, like, doin' balloon animals." "Why?"" "And he's like, "well, it's a swingers convention."" "And I'm like, "oh, like swing dancing?"" ""No, like swingers." And I'm like," ""no, like swingers." And I'm like," ""okay, no offense to the swingers who are in the audience tonight, this crowd, this foursome right here." "And..." "'Cause you guys are all attractive, and I'm sure you get it on and have fun, but I..." "Everything I've ever seen on swingers, like a documentary, it is like the oldest hippies, with, the worst bodies, and their, like, balls hanging low, and they're like, "hey, you know what, it's really about trusting your partner." "We're getting out the futons, and I light the tiki torches, and it's kind of a potluck, and we just really explore each others' bodies and we call it adult play." "And we call it adult play." "We like to adult play and then we get to know each other, and yeah." "Just really about having a great time in the summer."" "I'm like, oh my god." "What-if I took this gig, what kind of material am I supposed to come up with?" "Hey ladies, you know when your neighbor is doing you from behind, and your other neighbor walks into the foyer, and you realize you forgot to return that casserole dish?" "Awkward." "Am I right, ladies?" "Hey, ladies, you know when you're dropping off your child at his elementary school and you see your friend, at his elementary school and you see your friend, and you're like, "hey, Jill," "I really enjoyed having your husband's dick up my asshole, but next time I'm bringing the cheesecake." "Yes, I am."" "I mean..." "And it's not like I'm a prude, okay?" "My husband and I watch our porn..." "Spartacus, and..." "It's pretty good." "It's like porn with a history lesson." "I mean, some shit went down during the..." "Pretty good, um..." "But, you know, we're parents and we have to be responsible and kinda plan for sexy time." "And we have to be responsible and kinda plan for sexy time." "You know, we've gotta make sure that the Benadryl has really set in." "We don't wanna be woken." "And, um," "I like fantasy, so, like, in the very first part of our marriage we used to do the whole Kobe Bryant, girl at the Colorado inn, thing." "Remember that?" "And I'd be like, "here's your mini-bar, Mr. Bryant." "What?" "!"" "And... that was fun." "But pretty soon you gotta come up with some new-more, you know, new material, and..." "So, you know, now we do, like, teenage hitchhiker, so, you know, now we do, like, teenage hitchhiker, or he's a doctor and I don't have insurance." "I think it's time for my breast exam, or what about that pap smear?" "Can ya..." "Can ya help me?" "It's been six months." "Is this a free clinic or not?" "Or I like to do, like, we play the bachelor, where we pretend like, you know, he's the bachelor and our bedroom is the fantasy suite, and I have to fuck him better than the other two girls" "in order to get the final rose and the Neil Lane ring." "And the, like, half way through the bone, I'm like, and the, like, half way through the bone, I'm like," ""I'm really not here for the right reasons," "I really wanna come in second, become the bachelorette, get on dancing with the stars, then get on the cover of people, then get a job on entertainment tonight." "He's like, "oh my god, stop talking!"" "I'm like, "well, I'm sorry that you're not an actor and can't appreciate what I'm doing." "This is an improv, I'm adding to the backstory, like, god." "Take a character study class, like, whatever."" "'Cause, see, my husband is not an actor, he's a mortgage broker, so he's been a little depressed these last six and a half years, but he's been a little depressed these last six and a half years, but..." "I came up with this one scenario that works really well." "Where I pretend to come to his office for a loan." "But I have really bad credit." "So then he has to show me how to raise that fico score." ""Oh, yeah, get it up to 780, you can do it!"" ""But what about my 30 day late at nordstrom?" "What are you gonna do Christian Grey?" "What are you gonna do?" "!"" "Ah..." "Ah..." "So fun, you know?" "'Cause I don't think I could be single, you know, 'cause for one, I would need my husband's help" "I don't know how to do that kind of stuff." "That'd be awkward." "I can't compete with these sluts today," "I really can't." "What am I gonna have to do, take a picture of my vagina two minutes after meeting some guy on the Internet, while I'm in the carpool Lane?" ""Hold on, let me just..." "Met this guy at a bar." "Seems like he'll really like me."" "And then send it to him." "Whatever." "Gross." "Whatever." "Gross." "I mean, good for you, 20 year-old sluts, you know, I appreciate it, but..." "No, 'cause I was reading cosmo the other day, and I'm like," "I've read that magazine my entire life, and I was reading and I was like, "you know what, Heather?" "Maybe this ship has sailed." "Maybe it's time you pick up a redbook, you know?"" "'Cause I'm reading it, I'm like, "no."" "Going through all the articles, I'm like, don't really need to read another article on tips about what to do with the space between my husband's balls and his asshole." "I didn't even know that was a thing." "You know, you don't introduce something new, a decade in." "You know, like I said, good for you sluts, you know, learning new tricks, keep your nose to the grindstone, you know, learning new tricks, keep your nose to the grindstone, stay competitive, good for you, it's hard out there." "You know?" "One thing I kinda noticed as I turned 40 is, um..." "I do have something kinda special, it's what I like to call a vagina armpit." "I don't know if anybody else has one." "Mine is like a little vagina." "Anybody?" "Ladies?" "It's like a little soft vagina." "It's-it's waxed, just like everybody likes 'em." "Just two little vaginas." "Some women have one, I have three." "And I just try to look on the bright side of... aging, and, um..." "I went out with my friend the other day." "I went out with my friend the other day." "It was her birthday, I still have some single friends, and why is it, girls, that you can dance all night long, you do the Booty drop, the whole thing, and the minute you walk to your car you're like," ""I have Parkinson's." "I am now a cripple." "I..." "Happy birthday, but I'm a paraplegic, so, thanks for the fun night, 'cause I'm never walking again."" "What the hell?" "So, um, gonna tell you this story that, uh, little intimate story about my family." "Little intimate story about my family." "We do this thing at my house called a cookie party." "You take those nestlé tollhouse cookies that come in the little square pre-dough." "Stick it on a... on a pan and you stick in the oven, come out and you have a cookie party, it's pretty fun, I suggest you guys try it." "And uh..." "My husband started the cookie party 8:30 on a Monday night." "Moms, can we agree?" "That's a little late for a cookie party." "Okay?" "But, you know what?" "I'm Heather McDonald, I can rock the frikkin' cookie party." "I'm the coolest-ass mom around." "You know, like, okay, so what?" "So while the cookies are cooking, so while the cookies are cooking," "I had to try on dresses for an event." "And, um, I was lucky enough to have some sent to me, so I wanted to wear one of them." "But every single one I put on was, like, really short, and booby, and really tight, and I come out to have my husband zip me up, and he's like, "I'm not even gonna bother," "you look like a New Jersey housewife." "Like, turn around." I'm like, "oh..."" "And so, you know, I was kinda having, like, one of those "ah-ha" moments that you have at a certain age as a woman, where you realize..." "There comes a time in a woman's life when the length of her skirt should exceed the length of her tampon string." "You know what I mean?" "It's like, cover up, old lady." "You know?" "It's like, cover up, old lady." "You know?" "Ship has sailed, so..." "I was down to, like, one dress, that was, like, to here." "Not too booby." "But it was like, two sizes too small, but it was the appropriate style, so I whipped out my industrial strength spanx, that, I don't know, you women, some of them" "The 20 year-olds don't know about it, the people over 35 do." "It's like, it comes down to the legs, it's like biking shorts, comes around the back fat, over the whole thing." "There's a slit so you can pee like this, 'cause if you tried to take it down at a cocktail party you'd be sweating." "'Cause if you tried to take it down at a cocktail party you'd be sweating." "It's ridiculous." "My husband saw it, he's like," ""uh, are you going scuba diving?" "What the fuck is that?" "Did you book a trip to the galapagos islands I don't know about?" "What's happening here?"" "I'm like, "never mind." "It makes the dress look better."" "So meanwhile the cookies come out, and my husband tells my son, "hey, don't take the cookies off the pan with the spatula until they've cooled, otherwise they'll break."" "I don't hear this, I come out, I'm like," "♪ who's ready for cookie party?" "♪" "♪ Who's ready for cookie party?" "♪" "And I take the spatula, and the cookie breaks." "And my son goes," ""god, mom, you ruined it!" "You ruined the cookie party!" "Mom ruined the cookie party, dad!" "Now the cookie party's ruined!"" "And I just had one of those moments like those women in snapped, where I was like, "you will not cry over broken cookies when there are children in this world that don't even have clean water to drink," "you ungrateful little shit!"" "My head's spinning, I'm not sweating," "I'm like, "now nobody gets cookies!"" "And I take all the cookies and I throw them in the trash, and I take all the cookies and I throw them in the trash, and my other son would have eaten a broken cookie off the garage floor," "he's like, "what?" "Hm?" "What?"" "So..." "And I'm like, "go to your room!"" "And this other thing that happened since I turned 40 is if I go on a trampoline, or yell at my son suddenly," "I pee a little." "And I'm like, "go to your room!" "Go to your room!"" "So my husband comes, and I'm like," ""can you believe it?" "Can you believe him?"" "And he goes," ""well, you really shoulda waited for the cookies to cool first."" "I'm like, "what kind of monsters are we raising?" "!"" "So then, ten minutes passed," "I walk by his room and I hear him still whimpering about the broken cookie, in his room." "I'm like, "are you frikkin' kidding me?"" "I walk in there and I go, "really?" "Really?" "You're crying over a broken cookie?" "Oh, I'll give you something to cry about."" "And I saw this big lego military ship that he'd been putting to-- Oh, shut up." "That he'd been putting to-- Oh, shut up." "Do you know how sick of these legos I am?" "!" "There are thousands and thousands of legos." "Do you know how many times I've stepped on 'em?" "!" "I've got the scars on the bottom of my feet to prove it." "They're rectangles with two little circles in them." "You wanna see it?" "!" "It's not pretty." "So I picked up that lego ship, and I said, "really?" "You're gonna cry over broken cookies?" "Really?"" "And then I looked up, and I saw my reflection in his mirror and what I didn't share with you, ...and what I didn't share with you, is that I was still wearing..." "The spanx contraption in the very flattering color of nude with, like, a makeshift bun, and some red heels, holding this military ship, and I'm like, "oh my god." "I am frikkin' scarier than Joan Crawford in mommy dearest with noxzema on her face, screaming about wire hangers."" "I'm like, "I better apologize to this kid, or he's gonna get a book deal and sell more books than I could ever even try to imagine."" "Than I could ever even try to imagine."" "But I'll tell you something." "I don't mean to brag, but he doesn't cry over broken cookies anymore." "Someone's doing something right." "So, uh..." "Take a note from my book, um..." "I, uh..." "I'm gonna just say one more thing before I go, and it's kinda of- kind of serious, but, you know, lots of celebrities have their causes, you know, people have, like, pets, or whatever." "And um..." "So this one is-is mine, so this one is-is mine, and just hear me through before you make a decision, but I believe, in certain circumstances, certain situations, marital rape is okay, and let me tell you why 'cause I've been guilty of it, okay?" "You come home late after having five, six cosmos with the other homeroom moms, to find your man just passed out on the bed, wearing only a pair of boxers totally devoid of any elasticity.." "Oh please, like that whore's not asking for it?" "I like to climb up on top of him and go "shhhhh." "I like to climb up on top of him and go "shhhhh." "Shhhhh." "Don't act like you don't know what's gonna happen." "This isn't the first time, dirty boy, no, it's not." "You're just gonna lie there, let me get what I want, no one has to wake up, nobody gets hurt, just do what I say, if you wake those kids" "Don't you fucking wake the kids!"" "You guys have been awesome." "Thank you so much!" "Had a blast." "Thank you."