"How do you break something you don't even use?" "Hi, you've reached Frankie." "You know what to do." "Hey, Frankie" "But in case you don't, in a moment or so, you're going to hear a beeping noise." "OK" "That's your cue to record a message, which I will later play and return at my leisure." "Frankie" "Hola!" "Este es el teléfono del Frankie." "Oh, for the love of" "Hey, girl." "Um..." "I just-- I'm calling to see if you're up yet." "And, uh, there's just one little thing that I want to talk to you about." "Don't worry, it's not about the dishwasher." "Jefferson Starship, Sol!" "What are you doing here?" "I'm sorry." "I was just... resting here." "All night." "You told him." "I did." "I did." "Oh, God." "What happened?" "Well, I slept on your patio." "Are you OK?" "No." "It was terrible." "He was so shocked." "So hurt." "And then so furious." "Like he wanted to push me down the stairs." "You told him at the top of the stairs?" "No, we were in the kitchen." "It's just the way he looked at me." "What have I done?" "Oh." "No." "Damn my Christ-like capacity for compassion." "I'm sorry, Sol." "I am." "I don't know what to do." "Me neither." "It's a lot for 8:16 in the morning." "Let's go inside." "We're gonna need some java." "What's in the mug?" "Butterscotch pudding." "Well, Frankie, what happened this time?" "Were you trying to see if you could fit in there?" "Or did you stand on the door to see into the neighbor's outdoor shower?" "If you must know, I was very tired and I forgot which way it opens from." "But right now we have bigger fish to fry." "I'm the fish." "He spent the night on our patio." "I told Robert." "You didn't." "I had to." "But he's barely over his heart attack." "Trust me, if you'd been there you would have done the same thing." "I couldn't go one more minute with that lie between us." "So you just left him there alone?" "Well, he started shouting" ""get out, get out, get out."" "I didn't know what to do, so I started reciting this poem I referenced in my vows." "Oh, good Lord, no." ""The varietals of orchids are as varied as the varietals of my love."" "Sol, that was not a good poem." "It was a very, very, very bad choice." "I have to go back." "I have to at least check on him." "No, not you." "You can't." "He won't even let you in the door." "I have to do something." "I'll go make sure he's OK." " For right now, you just stay here." " Oh!" "Can I say that I'm concerned about the "stay here" part?" "I hate to ask, but if you're going, could you please get my wallet?" "I ran out without it." "It's right on the table in the foyer." "Sure." "It's salmon-colored raffia woven in the shape of a tortoise." "I remember." "It says "Chill Out" on it." "I remember." "You're sure you're OK doing this?" "I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of "OK."" "You just hug yourself for a second." "I will be right back." " You can't leave me here with Sol." " Take it easy." "Once I know that Robert's still standing and I've removed some sharp objects," "I'll grab Sol's children's wallet and come right home." "I haven't seen Sol since that karmic shit-storm at the hospital and now I'm supposed to hang out with him in my kitchen?" "Once I get him his credit card, he'll be the exclusive responsibility" "of JW Marriott." "But until then" "You're gonna be fine, Frankie." "You can do this." "Go paint." "You love high school talent shows, there's always one of those going on." "OK, I'll look." "OK." "First, fix my dishwasher." "I remember this thing was always" "No, no, no." "I don't need you to do that." "Frankie," "I'll be out of here as soon as I can." "In the meantime, I was just trying to be useful." "Can I make you some tea?" "Oh, well" " No, no." "Leave it." "That's how Grace likes it." "Are you OK?" "Well, no." "I would actually like some tea." "But if you make it, then I'll decide that we also need toast," "which we will inevitably put jam on." "I'm actually not very hungry, but" "And if we're doing a continental breakfast, the next thing you know, we'll have Parade magazine out and we'll be laughing at those people who want to know where Urkel went and I cannot dance that toxic merengue with you again." "OK." "I get it." "I've got to get out of here." "There you are." "I brought you a croissant." "Well, most of a croissant." "I ate some of it driving around looking for you." "This is a big place." "Oh, I didn't know you were coming over." "I didn't either." "And I suddenly found myself in the car driving over to see my..." "my special man-friend." "I'm always happy to see you, but, uh," "I'm kind of in the middle of something here." "What kind of something?" "Can I help?" "No, no." "I've got it covered." "What-- What's in there?" "Are you hiding something?" "Of course not." "Well, then why won't you let me go in?" "Well, it's, um..." "It's just a bad time." "Why?" "Is this a meth lab?" "Are you building a Japanese fighting robot?" "Is it a woman?" "Frankie, come on." "Then just tell me the truth." "I can't take any more secrets and lies." "All right." "Come on." "Come on." "It's OK." "Creepy." "This is what I'm doing." "Archery?" "You secretly run a summer camp?" "You steal from the rich and give to the poor?" "That is a noble pursuit." "But no." "Then what am I looking at here?" "There's a boar who's been eating my chickens and my melons and my bicycle pump." "So you're gonna kill him?" "That's the plan." "Thank heaven." "I thought, uh, maybe a farmer's daughter might pop out of the hay." "Wait a minute." "You're hunting?" "No, this is horrible." "I have a huge problem with this." "Exactly why I tried to keep it from you." "Oh, yeah, that was really smart." "Yeah." "What can I do for you?" "Are you hungry?" "Not really." "You have to eat." "Come on, Dad." "Something healthy?" "Something greasy?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "The neighbors said we can use their address for all the pizza places that have blackballed Mom." "It's OK, Bud." "I had a banana." "Dad, I'm so sorry." "Do you want to talk about it?" "I'm not sure I'm ready to." "OK." "Well, let's talk about that." "I really appreciate your coming over, but there's really nothing you can do for me." "No, no, no, I'm not leaving you hanging in that chair." "This is the Lifetime movie where I walk out the door thinking you're OK and then you're Heather Locklear in a red dress stepping in front of a bus." "What was that?" "It's nothing, it's nothing." "It's something." "It's something with the McCarthy divorce." "But don't worry, I'm taking care of it." "Wait, I thought they were going to settle." "Little hiccup." "She shot him." "What?" "Just in the foot." "OK?" "Don't worry about it." "Oh, God, was he cheating?" "I know Robert doesn't have a gun, but they're so easy to get." "OK, you really should not be dealing with acrimonious divorces right now." "Oh, my God, work." "I've got to prepare the deposition for Monday." "Dad." "I got it." "I'll take care of everything." "That's right." "You just get in your chair." "And swing." "Knock things over." "Grace." "Robert." "How are you?" "This isn't a good time." "Well, I-I know." "I came to see if you were OK." "How did you kno" " Of course." "He's with Frankie." "Where else would he be?" "Is that all you have to say?" "Huh?" "What else is there?" "Unless you came here to gloat." "Don't be shitty with me." "I was actually worried about how you were doing." "How do you think I'm doing?" "Well, you know what, I have a pretty good idea how you were doing." "You think one night of betrayal is bad?" "Try 20 years of, what," "two to three betrayals a week" "I know!" "I get it, Grace." "I do not have the moral high ground." "Well, then why are you acting like you do?" "Because he knew I could forgive almost anything but this, with her." "Oh, get over yourself." "Sol did a stupid emotional Sol thing." "And married me 24 hours after he did the stupid thing he did!" "He wanted to tell you, but I wouldn't let him." "Not before you went into surgery." "So you knew?" "Yes." "Everyone did." "Why" " What does it matter now?" "It doesn't anymore." "It's over." "Thank you very much for coming." "As you can see, I'm fine." "Oh, there you go." "There's the Robert I know." "Closed down, shut off, just like every time we fought when we were married." "This isn't that." "I'm right and he's wrong." "Oh, of course." "You won the argument." "You always do." "You're a great lawyer." "But every time you won with me, you just proved you cared more about the argument than you did about me." "And I hated you for it." "Robert, this is the great love of your life." "And you're just gonna throw it away?" "I didn't throw it away." "He did." "You have a chance to handle something differently for once in your life." "You might want to try it." "You know, otherwise you're just gonna be the same sulky, self-righteous block of marble you were with me." "I'm gonna leave you to develop your sense of irony." "Wait." "What?" "He's gonna need his glasses too." "And you're not gonna need this." "Once again, it's not a little rabbit named Fred." "It's a boar in the woods who's been terrorizing my farm." "Allegedly." "Look, Jacob, I get that you have to do what you have to do." "Thank you." "You know I can see you." "I can't help it." "I'm a member of PETA." "I own humane no-kill mosquito traps." "I never wear pleather for fear of glamorizing it." "Well, for the record, I don't like hunting either." "But I can't exactly sit down and draw up a peace accord with a boar." "Have you tried?" "I mean, animals are getting smarter every day." "Instead of hunting, wouldn't you like to go to a high school talent show?" "I need a happy distraction." "From what?" "Frankie, why did you really come out here today?" "I dig you." "I mean, that's before I found out you were Ted Nugent." "So what is it?" "You don't want to hear about the Chilean soap opera that's become my life." "Actually, I do." "I'm your guy." "I want to hear everything." "Besides, my sister's coming to town and I'll need to unload later." "I look forward to it." "Yeah." "You hungry?" "Depends." "What have you got?" "Hey, how's he doing?" "Well, the good news is I..." "I got your wallet." "Thank you." "And the bad news?" "It may be a while before you see the matching belt." "Oy." "What did he say?" "Not..." "Not much, actually." "When do you think he'll be ready to see me?" "Not today." "Probably not tomorrow." "Certainly not the day after." "I'm sorry, I'm not very good at sugarcoating things." "You have other fine qualities." "That's a nice set-up you have there." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I borrowed your computer." "I was gonna use Frankie's, but it was fused shut with apple butter." "Why did you come here, Sol?" "I had to." "I didn't have my wallet." "You could've called friends, you could've gone to the boys." "You could've gone anywhere." "I was upset." "It was late." "And you came here, to our house, to her house." "This is the worst possible place you could have come." "For him and for Frankie." "Sol, you don't walk out on your person, then get kicked out by your new person, and come crawling back to your old person!" "It was just for the night." "Even for a night." "It doesn't work that way." "Amazingly, you managed to make the man you cheated on even more angry with you 'cause you came here." "You just can't-- You can't do these things, Sol." "This is why you irritate people." "I irritate people?" "Yes!" "You're right." "It was wrong of me to drag both of you back into this." "I never should have come here." "I was looking for that safe place." "Frankie was always that for me." "I guess, sometimes, there is no safe place." ""No one saves us but ourselves." "We ourselves must walk the path."" "That's the Buddha." "I'm pretty sure that's about death." "I'm really not choosing quotes well today." "I'm gonna go." "Can I just use your computer one more time to get a hotel?" "Of course." "There's an alert here." "Someone named Phil Milstein wants to be your friend." "Ow!" "So what's going on with Sol?" "I don't want to mention his name around you." "Let's give him a different name." "Paddy." "Paddy told Robert about us." "Robert kicked him out and Paddy showed up at my place." "So you're trying to get away from Paddy?" "Well, yeah." "I don't want to feel sorry for him." "But you do." "I don't know if I feel sorry for him or if I just, you know..." "feel sorry." "For yourself?" "No." "Then for Robert." "Why the hell would I feel sorry for somebody who slept with my husband for 20 years?" "You tell me." "I actually used to like Robert." "We..." "We had some good times making fun of Grace together." "Like the time she got in trouble with the lifeguards because she brought her own whistle to the beach." "Why would she do that?" "Because she was hypervigilant about jellyfish." "We got in some quality burns at Grace's expense that day." "Sounds to me like you miss him." "What about this are you not understanding, mister?" "Why would I miss Robert and why the hell would I feel sorry for him?" "Because you know what it's like to love Sol and lose him." "Hey." "Hey." "How's Dad?" "Oy." "When I left him, he was obsessing about how Robert is going to shoot him." "Well, it is so easy to get a gun." "Don't get up." "I'm good." "What's that?" "It's from the adoption agency." "What does it say?" "I don't know." "I haven't opened it yet." "Why not?" "Because it's either my birth mother's phone number, or-or very, very cold language saying she never wants to meet me." "Yeah, that's big." "Could you open it?" "Uh, I really don't think so." "I opened all your college admissions letters." "Those were foregone conclusions." "Who's going to reject a minority Model UN delegate whose "Cyrano" drew comparisons to a young Derek Jacobi?" "Georgetown." "That was my reach." "Look, if you don't want to open it, don't open it." "No, I do want to open it." "I just want you to open it first." "I'm not opening it." "Stop asking me to do things." "You know how important this is to me!" "What's your deal today?" "My deal is our father who is a mess is camped out at the house of our mother, of all people, and starting Monday, I'm working in an office with," "I guess, my now soon-to-be-ex-stepfather-boss-uncle whose workload I've been carrying because he had a stupid heart attack, and now I've got to deal with you and whatever fresh catastrophe is awaiting us in here!" "Uh..." "That was some top of the line processing, Jacob." "Not bad for a farmer." "Hmm." "I know my way in and around an emotion." "You do." "But let's not keep secrets from each other, OK?" "Sorry." "I won't do it again." "Can we do that again?" "In the spirit of not keeping secrets..." "I hid your, um, hunting tarp in the slop basin." "And I threw the rope in that field over there." "But I don't have much of an arm." "OK, bye." "I am going to go now." "No!" "No." "You're not going anywhere." "Ten minutes ago, you couldn't wait to get rid of me." "Yeah, well, that was ten minutes ago." "I need a girlfriend to talk to and you're the only one here." "As flattering as that is" "Wait, wait, wait." "Tell me, should I accept Phil's friend thing?" "What's the big deal?" "I'm friends with our neighbor's cat." "Peachez with a "z."" "Well, this is Phil with a "Ph."" "Oh, God." "Wow." "That's Phil Milstein?" "That's not what I was picturing." "I know." "He changed his profile picture." "He was a Rottweiler." "I mean, you know, the picture." "You're actually nervous, aren't you?" "I can see why." "There's about ten people in the world who can pull off that mustache and he's nine of them." "Who is he?" "Just a... friend." "A very handsome friend." "And he's a contractor so he's strong." "Wait a second." "Was this the guy who did your kitchen years ago?" "Yes." "But that's all he did." "But there was something." "There was something." "Oh, I don't know." "What do I do?" "What do I do?" "Don't waste another second." "Hit accept." "If I've learned anything, it's to not wait." "I'm right here if you need a bruised finger." "Ow." "Oh, God." "No, not "oh, God." Oh, good." "Oh, no!" "Not "oh, no!" Oh, yes." "Oh, stop." "Sol, come here." "He sent me a message." "I need your help." "You've got a lot of conflicting feelings about me." "Oh." "Oh, wait." "I got something." "No, that's just a signed headshot" "of CCH Pounder." "Oh, my God." "Miss Pounder." "I thought I lost you." "I'm a Shield fan." "Seriously, she was that show." "Let's put that right there." "So, you want to talk about it?" "You mean when I lost my shit?" "Look, I get it." "You're the only normal one in the family." "And we rely on you a lot." "But you don't have to be that guy." "I like being that guy." "I like when people lean on me." "It's just I'm running out of shoulders." "Yeah, and you have more shoulders than anyone I know." "I got it." "Thanks, man." "I appreciate that." "Nope, the letter." "I got the letter." "Oh." "You got the letter." "Yeah." "And a pepperoni." "Let's not eat that." "Uh" " Let's eat it." "Here..." "let me do it." "No." "I want to." "Really?" "I think I got, like... one more shoulder for you." "Thanks, brother." "Ready?" "She wants to meet you." "So he "hello'd" me and I "hello'd" him back." "Now what?" "You send him a message saying..." ""I have a glass of wine and I'm in my bathing suit."" "So the conversation would go, "Hello," "Hello,"" ""I have a glass of wine, I'm in my bathing suit"?" "Well, you didn't like my rumination on loneliness." "Well, it was depressing." "Well, what do you have?" "Well, I was thinking something like, "How's it going, Phil?"" "Snore." "I have to write something." "It's been four minutes." "I don't want to be rude." "Write "How's it going?" but drop the second "G."" "That way, it sounds sexy and casual." ""How's it goin'?"" ""How's it goin'?"" "I think it needs the "G."" "I'm out of here, Grace." "You're doing fine on your own." "And I've got to go be..." "on my own." "Oh, it's gonna get better, Sol." "This is just the worst part." "Thanks." "Now I have to wait for his response." "Don't panic." "Oh!" "He's probably feeling all the same things you are." "Just sitting there with his ex-wife's new... lesbian... new wife." "Maybe not." "Oh, for God sakes." "What do you want?" "I have something to say to you." "I really don't want to hear it." "Too bad, it's coming out." "What?" "I owe you something." "And I had been planning on owing it forever." "Instead, I'm gonna say it to your face." "I'm not in the mood for this." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry, Robert." "I know better than anyone what being cheated on feels like and I..." "I regret doing it to you." "I appreciate your apology, but it doesn't change anything." "It wasn't all Sol's fault." "You should be mad at me, too." "Oh, I am." "Good." "Because that night didn't just happen to happen." "I wanted it to." "I needed to know for sure if there was any hope, if there was any-- anything left between Sol and me." "And now I know." "Well, I'm glad you got that out of your system." "What do you want me to say?" "I'm not telling you this to hurt you." "I..." "I'm telling you that..." "Sol is gay." "And he loves you." "In a way he'd never love me." "In a way he never... did love me." "And he loved me a lot." "I guess that's it." "That's what I came to say." "Frankie." "I'm sorry, too." "And I should have said it a long time ago." "I apologize for causing you pain." "And for all those years sneaking around and being disrespectful to you." "I'm terribly, terribly sorry." "Thank you." "Hello, boyfriend." "Can I call you that?" "I'm OK." "That's nice of you to call and check in." "I like a boyfriend who does that."