"ANNOUNCER:" "In last week's episode of Soap," "Elaine told Danny that if he tried to put an end to their relationship she would have her father put an end to Danny." "Burt ended up agreeing to go to an institution, where he can hopefully put an end to his invisibility." "Meanwhile, Jessica might end up behind bars, since the judge she's ended up with once invested and lost $40,000 with Chester." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "This is the story of two sisters:" "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates." "And these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "You son of a..." "Go!" "JESSICA:" "Boys." "Boys." "[♪♪♪]" "I can't believe it." "Danny's bringing home a girl." "I'm a nervous wreck." "Mary, what are you nervous about?" "Listen, a guy brings home a girl, it's important." "It's serious." "I don't know." "I used to bring them home because I couldn't pay for dinner." "I hope she likes us." "I hope she's nice." "Oh, God, I'm nervous." "Mary, Mary, wait a minute." "You've got this all wrong." "She's the one being brought home." "She's supposed to be nervous, not you." "You're right." "I'm not being looked over." "I'm doing the looking over." "Right." "I'm the one that has to like her." "Right." "Then why am I so nervous?" "Mm!" "Beats me." "Darling, there is one thing." "This is obviously someone Danny likes a lot." "Someone special, you know?" "So I think we ought to get to know her a little longer before we spring certain things on her." "Like what?" "Like if you get the urge to become invisible, for example." "I think that you ought to get to know her before you let her see you do that." "Oh, well, yeah, of course." "You know, I suppose I shouldn't tell her about being committed next week either." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh, it's them." "It's them." "Hi." "Mary." "Burt, what are you doing?" "Open the door." "Mary, I hate to be the one to tell you this." "But it's a guy." "What?" "It must be contagious." "Danny's as gay as Jodie." "He's with a guy." "Burt, what are you talking about?" "Open the door." "Okay, then you'll see." "Now, all right, Just don't scream." "I'm in fruit city." "Hey, you fruitcake, get your hands off me." "Burt, Burt, take it easy." "He's a bodyguard." "What?" "Yeah, you see, Elaine's father, he worries about her, so she has a bodyguard." "And I thought I was overprotective." "Do we get to meet her or does she just wave from the car?" "No, no." "She'll be right in." "Danny, have you slept with her yet?" "[GROANS]" "I mean, because when you do, what happens with the gorilla?" "Elaine, this is my mother, Mary Campbell." "Hello." "MARY:" "Hi." "This is my stepdad, Burt Campbell." "Yes." "Hello." "Mom, Dad." "This is Elaine Lefkowitz." "Jewish." "What of it?" "Nothing." "I love Jewish people." "Elaine, come in, come in, sit down." "Danny, Jewish?" "So?" "You know about Jewish girls?" "What?" "They're hot." "You're gonna have yourself a lot of fun here, if you aren't already, I'll tell you." "So come on, tell me, how did you two meet?" "Well, he broke in through my bedroom." "[LAUGHING]" "Boy, you Jews got the greatest sense of humour." "It's the truth." "You know, it's a good thing you're here tonight, because next week Burt's gonna be committed." "He thinks he can make himself invisible." "I want you to know everything about this family before marrying into it." "Hi, everybody." "Hey, hey, hey." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] What is he, some kind of weirdo?" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't know." "Get your hands off me, you goon." "See that?" "He thinks that doll is real." "And to tell you the truth, sometimes, so do I." "He's nuts." "He's my son." "He's still nuts." "Listen, miss." "Hey, do I get to meet the bimbo or what?" "Bob." "Elaine, this is Chuck." "And Bob." "Guys, this is Elaine Lefkowitz." "CHUCK:" "Hi." "Hi." "Nice coat." "Your folks polar bears?" "Throw her a fish, maybe she'll do a trick." "[BOB LAUGHING]" "Cute, huh?" "Hi." "Danny, for me?" "You shouldn't have." "Hi." "Don't you think we should talk first?" "Is that Elaine?" "That's her." "Elaine, this is Jodie." "Jodie, this is Elaine Lefkowitz." "Hi, Jodie." "Hi." "Jodie's a fruit." "Well, hey, whose family's perfect?" "My father's a gangster." "Your father's a gangster?" "Her father's a gangster." "Hey, your son is a fruit." "He's not my son." "He's my son." "Well, he's crazy." "All right." "That's it." "I've had it." "I'm leaving." "Now he's invisible." "Oh, my God." "This is a zoo." "So you wanna change your mind?" "Hey, cutie, wanna mess around?" "[LAUGHS]" "Excuse me." "Can I have your attention, please?" "I am sure Danny called and told you all to act as strange as possible." "Well, I'm afraid you've oversold it." "No family can be this crazy." "So like it or not, Danny's little trick didn't work, and we're gonna go ahead with our plans." "What plans?" "Well, you see, Ma, it's..." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Danny and I are getting married." "Oh, wonderful." "He'll get a blood test and the bear'll get a rabies shot." "[♪♪♪]" "I don't know, Father." "I just don't think this retreat is working." "I mean, I still think about her." "In fact, I think I think about her more here than I did back home." "But that could be because I need something to keep my mind off this cold." "Listen, I know we're not supposed to ask for signs." "We're supposed to go on faith." "But do you think you can give me a sign anyway?" "I mean, just something to let me know I'm on the right track." "Tim?" "My God." "Is this the sign?" "Tim." "Corinne." "Corinne, how did you get here?" "No one can get here." "The place is totally isolated." "It wasn't easy, let me tell you." "I had to hire an Indian guide to help me up the mountain, and halfway up, he quit." "It's below zero out there." "It's below zero in here." "Tim, is this where you live?" "Yes." "Corinne, you can't stay here." "You can't stay here either." "It's freezing." "Now, there's a beautiful hotel down the mountain in Banff." "You'll love it." "There's fireplaces and room service." "Let's go, Tim." "Corinne, I came here for a reason, remember?" "To forget you." "Have you?" "No." "Good." "Father Tim..." "Ohh." "It's a vision." "Father Tim, a vision." "Ooh!" "Corinne, get out of here." "In one minute, that guy's gonna be on the phone with Rome, and they'll declare a new saint." "Now go." "Go?" "After what I went through to get up here?" "You think it was easy?" "I mean, I buy a new outfit, and I travel to another country, and then with my history of dizzy spells," "I climb a mountain with an Indian who has not seen a woman in three years." "And I finally get here and you say "Go"?" "Forget it." "You've got yourself a roommate." "Listen, Corinne." "I came up here to get over you." "But it's not working." "But I have to see it through." "I have to finish it." "So please, go, and I'll see when I'm done." "It's not working?" "No." "She smiles." "I'm a priest probably in love with a woman, and she smiles." "In love?" "Corinne, please, go." "Okay." "No." "No, the way you came." "Okay." "Hurry." "But I'll be down at that hotel." "She was here." "She was." "It was a vision, right, Father Tim?" "She was a vision, all right." "But she's gone now." "The Lord giveth." "The Lord taketh away." "Yeah." "Maybe I've been on the mountain too long." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "Well, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life." "Why?" "To have to call Sheriff Tinkler to report your father's disappearance the very morning that you're to go on trial for murder?" "It's insane what's happening to this family." "I know." "We certainly are having our run of bad luck." "As if all that wasn't bad enough, the new tie that I was going to wear this morning?" "It's missing." "Well, you should have told Sheriff Tinkler about that too." "And while he's looking for Daddy, he could look for your tie." "Jessica." "Well, I've checked around and none of the neighbours have seen Grandpa." "Some say they hope they never do." "And three say if they see him, they'll kill him." "Jessica, when your father left last night, did he say where he was going?" "Oh, Chester." "You know it doesn't matter where he says he's going." "You remember the last time he said he was going for a walk and he overpowered the driver of that Löwenbräu beer truck and claimed it for America?" "Well, maybe Benson knows where he is." "Where's Benson?" "Mother, is that what you're wearing to court?" "Well, yes." "Well, I don't know about that dress." "I mean, I think what you wanna do is wear a colour that's the most sympathetic to the jury." "Jessica, where's Benson?" "Black should do it." "I mean, widows wear black to funerals and look how much sympathy they get." "No, I think black is too depressing." "Eunice." "Jessica." "Benson." "What about Benson, dear?" "Where is he?" "I don't know, Chester." "Perhaps he's with Daddy and your new tie." "Benson, where's the major?" "How am I supposed to know?" "You look wonderful, Benson." "Thank you." "Benson, you know the major gets in trouble." "You're supposed to watch him." "Ah, ah, ah." "It ain't my job to watch him." "Now, the only thing I got to watch around here is what's cooking in my oven." "You want me to watch him, you put him on a platter with a lot of little potatoes around." "You know, Jessica, it's a good thing I'm not a bigot, because if I were, I could say a few things right here." "Like what?" "Beige." "You should wear beige." "Beige is the perfect colour, Mother." "Benson, I think I tied this wrong." "That's my tie." "That's right." "See, I don't have one of my own." "So I asked Benson to pick one of yours that would be suitable." "You gave him my new tie?" "How about that?" "He can't wear that." "I'm wearing that." "It's all yours." "Major, where have you been?" "Hi, Gramps." "Daddy, where have you been?" "Chester, he's not answering." "I can see that, Jessica." "But he is smiling, so wherever he's been, it was nice." "I think I am in love." "Chester, Daddy's got a girlfriend." "Ugh." "Where did you meet her, Daddy?" "I met her in the cemetery." "I go to see my old friends there." "I have lots of friends there, and there she was." "Sheeba Fifer." "That's her name, and I'm in love with her." "Sheeba Fifer." "Sheeba Fifer." "I don't think I know the family." "Where did you spend the night?" "Colonel, as an officer and a gentleman, you shouldn't even ask that question." "This is the real thing." "This is it." "I haven't felt like this since my dear, departed, beloved wife." "Whoever she was." "[♪♪♪]" "Benson." "BENSON:" "What do you want?" "I need you up here." "Jessica, come on out of there." "Jessica, this is a murder trial." "It's not a party where it's chic to be late." "JESSICA:" "I'm not going." "What do you mean?" "I'm not going." "You're not going at all?" "I'm not going at all." "I see." "You know they'll put you in jail for this, Jessica." "Jessica, I'm not going to let you do this to yourself." "Well, I'll have to break down the door." "Stand back, Jess, because the wood is going to fly." "Nice work, Clint." "Good, solid door." "They don't make doors like this anymore." "When are we going?" "As soon as I get your mother out of the bathroom." "Benson, I want you to go downstairs, get a ladder, go up..." "Go up on the roof and through the window." "Is he talking to me?" "What, are you crazy?" "I ain't going up on no roof." "You go up on the roof." "I'll do it." "No, you won't." "BILLY:" "Oh, come on." "Last time you were up on the roof, you spent the summer in traction." "I ain't going up on the roof and neither are you." "We've gotta get her out of there, Benson." "So you go up there." "Well, Benson, don't you think I would if I could?" "No." "Well, I can't." "I get nosebleeds." "Nosebleeds?" "I'll give you nosebleeds." "All right, all right." "I'll do it." "JESSICA:" "No, Benson." "I don't want you climbing on that roof." "It's dangerous." "Well, I'm gonna have to go up on the roof if you don't get out of there." "So if I go up there and break my neck, it'll be on your head." "Thank you." "Don't be afraid, Jess." "You won't be found guilty." "Mallu is the best." "Oh, I know that, Chester." "And I'm not really afraid of that." "What are you afraid of?" "Well, I can't tell you." "You'd think I'm crazy." "No, I won't." "I'm afraid for the trial to be over." "What, are you crazy...?" "Why, Jess?" "Because it's brought us close together." "We're close now, Chester." "We talk, we laugh, we drink wine." "We spend our evenings together and our weekends together." "It's been just like a honeymoon, Chester." "Well, that's the way it usually happens, Jess." "It generally takes a crisis to bring people together." "But it's just been so wonderful, I don't want it to end." "And I'm afraid that when the trial's over it will." "But why?" "Well, you know, if I'm found innocent, then the crisis will be over." "And we'll just go back to being strangers." "And if I'm found guilty, it'll definitely be over, because I'll be on death row." "That won't happen, Jess." "I won't let it." "I promise." "Really, Chester?" "Really, Jess." "JESSICA:" "Oh!" "[♪♪♪]" "[CHATTERING]" "Hello, I'm Carol David, Mr. Mallu's assistant." "And you are?" "Mary Campbell." "This is my husband, Burt." "Thank you." "And you?" "Danny." "Right." "And, uh...?" "Chuck." "Chuck." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] And Bob." "[MOUTHS] That's Bob." "And you're Jodie?" "You sound surprised." "You're the suicidal homosexual?" "Do we have mutual friends?" "Well, no, no, it just says, I mean..." "Well, what did you expect, that I'd be in a dress with a noose around my neck?" "[JODIE  DANNY LAUGHING]" "I'm sorry." "I guess what threw me is you're just so adorable." "Most suicidal homosexuals are." "Listen, when court adjourns for lunch, give me a chance to start off on a better foot?" "[WHISPERS] Go on, go on, go on." "Please." "Okay." "Hear ye." "Hear ye." "The court is now in session, with the honourable Anthony "Presillo pretriding."" "Petrillo presiding." "The court will please rise." "All right, everyone be seated." "Where the hell is she?" "This is a murder trial." "You can't be late for your own murder trial." "Counsellor, where's the defendant?" "Your Honour, they were detained." "I think she should be here any second." "Something must have happened, Your Honour, because Jessica's always on time." "That's one thing about Jessie." "She's never, ever late." "Counsellor, who's that?" "Her sister, Your Honour, Mary Campbell." "And this is my husband, Burt." "And these are my sons." "That's Burt's son." "You know, last night, Jessie had a little upset stomach." "Maybe she was feeling a little nauseous." "Sit down." "Hello, hello, hello." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I kept you waiting." "I'm sorry, Your Honour." "But we simply could not find a parking spot outside." "I thought surely there would be one reserved for the defendant." "But there wasn't." "Everything was marked "Official parking only."" "And Chester said, "This is just another example of the idiotic inefficiency of the judicial system."" "Is this my jury?" "Oh, hello." "Mrs. Tate." "Hello." "Mrs. Tate." "Will you please sit down?" "Nice outfit." "What's this for?" "In case you want to jot something down or write me a note." "Why would I want to write you a note?" "I'm sitting right next to you." "Oh, I'm sorry, if I go to Europe in the spring, I'll write you a note." "Counsellor, are you ready?" "Yes, Your Honour." "Is it all right if I doodle?" "Yes." "Yes." "Oh, look who's here." "Hello, hello, Mr. Franklin." "Mrs. Tate, do you realise...?" "Judge, judge, judge, hold that thought one minute." "We'll get right back to you." "Don't you think it's silly for all of us to sit at two big tables?" "I mean, it creates an almost antagonistic atmosphere." "Sort of them versus us." "Don't you think it would be better if we all sat at one large table?" "Much warmer and friendlier that way." "Mrs. Tate." "Mrs. Tate." "I've endured your stalling tactics long enough." "Counsellor, please." "All right, Mr. Franklin." "You can begin your opening statement." "Thank you, Your Honour." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we have here an unusual case." "Unusual in the sense that, this being a small town, the defendant is familiar to most of you." "You must, however," "I repeat, you must divorce yourself from any previous opinions you may have of the defendant, and instead pay attention only to what you hear in this room." "And what you will hear in this room, ladies and gentlemen, is, I'm afraid, a chilling story of how a wife and mother cold-bloodedly, methodically, and with malice aforethought, committed murder." "Oh!" "A mother?" "How awful." "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true." "And I will show you how Jessica Tate, an angry, spurned, frustrated woman..." "What?" "With hate in her heart, in cold blood, murdered Peter Campbell." "Oh, please, Mr. Franklin." "I have never heard anything so rude and awful in all my life." "Now, Mrs. Tate, one more word from you and I'm gonna hold you in contempt." "Me?" "Well, if there's any contempt around here, it's coming from him." "I have never heard anything so contemptible in all my life." "And I am not going to stand for it." "I'm going." "[CHATTERING]" "All right." "All right, all right, I'll stay." "But I must warn you, if you continue in this manner, I will not come back tomorrow." "Go on now, but be nice." "The prosecution will attempt to show, ladies and gentlemen..." "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Danny marry Elaine?" "Or will he choose the carefree life of a bachelor and have his head blown off?" "Will Father Tim leave the retreat to see Corinne?" "And if he does, will they make him pay for the window?" "Will Jessica be found guilty of the heinous crime that Franklin has accused her of?" "And what does heinous mean?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience."