"Chief?" "Smart here." "We just passed 4th and Taylor." "Max, you'd better get the truck to the Fifth National Bank before they send out an alarm." "Now remember, in the last two weeks," "KAOS has hijacked four armored trucks carrying federal payrolls." "Don't worry, Chief." "They won't get this one." "They'd better not." "If anything happens to the payroll that you're carrying in that truck, CONTROL is out of operation." "Don't worry, Chief." "We're approaching the bank right now." "We made it, Chief." "I'm now checking out the street." "There's a policeman on the corner, but I don't think he's a real policeman." " What makes you think that?" " He's wearing sneakers." "That's CONTROL Agent Foster." "He's a very good man." "He may be a very good man, but he's a lousy dresser." "There's also a guy selling ice cream who's keeping his eye on us." "That's Harrington." "He's with us too." "And there's a lady with a little boy waiting at the bus stop." " Is she with CONTROL too?" " No, she isn't, but the little boy is." "Everything else appears to be in order, Chief." "All right, fine." "Now get out of the truck and go to the rear." "Come on, Larrabee." "Let's go." "( tires squealing )" " What happened, Larrabee?" " ( mumbles )" "KAOS was waiting for us, Max." "This isn't a bank, it's just a false front." " Of course!" "That explains it!" " Explains what?" "How they were able to make a withdrawal before 10:00 in the morning!" "( theme music playing )" "( elevator dings )" " Morning, Max." " What are you doing in the elevator?" " Come on in." "I'll explain it to you." " What happened?" "When KAOS hijacked that money from us yesterday, it put us in deep financial trouble." "This is now CONTROL's temporary headquarters." " In an elevator?" " It was this or the men's room." " ( elevator buzzes ) - ( switch clicks )" " Oh, hi, 99." " What's all this?" "Come on in." "I don't want to attract any undue attention." " You got enough room?" " Today I have-- tomorrow I'm not sure." "I was just explaining to Max that CONTROL is going out of business." "We don't have enough capital to continue operating." " But that's terrible, Chief." " ( elevator buzzes )" "Come in, Kincaid." "You too, Foster." "I've sent for all of our men to inform them of our predicament." " They should be here soon." " McDonald may be a little late." "He always uses the stairs." " ( intercom buzzes )" " Yes?" "Larrabee:" "The Pentagon's calling, Chief." "Tell them I'll call them back in about 10 minutes." " Where have you got Larrabee stashed?" " Larrabee." "Yes, Chief?" "Oh, hi, Max, 99, fellas." "What did you want, Chief?" "Nothing, Max just wanted to see where you were." " Oh." "I'm up here, Max." " He can see you, Larrabee." " Then what did you call me for?" " That'll be all." "There's a draft in here." "Shut your floor." "( elevator buzzes )" "All right, Nicholson." "Come on in." "Right, Chief." "In here, fellas." "Chief, I make a motion we close the elevator doors." "Chief, I make a motion we all inhale." "Hey, Max, I made my motion before you made your motion." "I know, but if we don't do my motion first, we won't be able to do your motion." "Max is right, Foster." "Unless we all inhale, we can't get the doors closed." "Everybody inhale!" "Everybody exhale." "Gentlemen, it is my painful duty to inform you that effective immediately CONTROL is going out of business temporarily." " You are all relieved of duty." " ( all groan ) 99:" "Is it really that bad, Chief?" "I'm afraid so." "I even have to be out of this elevator by the end of the week." "What a terrible time to be laid off-- right before the holidays." " What holidays?" " All of them, Chief." " This is only January." " Ow!" " What the matter, 99?" " I just got kicked." " All right, fellas." "Now watch it!" " Max, the baby." " Larrabee, what are you doing?" " Interoffice memo, Chief." "This may be the break we've been waiting for." "I asked the CIA and FBI if they'd share some of their federal funds with us." "It's a waste of time." "You know what they'll tell you to do." "I have to go to the city morgue right away." " See?" " You're going with me, Max." "We may not have to shut down CONTROL after all." "Before I adjourn the meeting, does anybody have any questions?" " I do." " What is it, Baxter?" "I'm not Baxter." "My name is Sullivan." "You're not with CONTROL." "What are you doing here?" "I was on my way to the eighth floor." "I'm late for a dental appointment." "I'm sorry if we've inconvenienced you, Mr. Sullivan." "I'll open the doors for you." "( man moans )" "Do you know who this man was, Max?" "Frogsie Debs?" "He could've been one of the richest men in the world." " Really?" " He was a prospector." "He discovered the location of a lost gold mine." "A lost go-- of course!" "That explains everything!" "That's why he was killed and that's why we're here." " Go on." " Huh?" "I want to know if you've put all the facts together correctly." "Yes, the facts." "Well, I haven't all the facts." "I mean, there are still a few things that are a little hazy." " Like what?" " Like what we're talking about." "Max, on that table are all that remain of the worldly goods of Frogsie Debs." "I want everything on that table examined inside and out." " What are we looking for, Chief?" " A map." "A map?" "15 years ago, Debs and his partner, a man named C Errol Madre, discovered a lost gold mine in Mexico." "They were too weak and sick to carry the gold out, so they drew a map." "Because they didn't trust each other, they tore the map in half so that one half would be no good without the other half." "Then they went their separate ways, vowing to come back for the gold when their health returned." "Why didn't Frogsie ever go back, Chief?" "Because he's been in prison for the past 14 years." "And all that time Madre has been sitting down there in Mexico with his half of the map, waiting for Debs to show up." "Hmm." "Is he gonna be disappointed." "No, he's not, Max, because you bear a striking resemblance to Debs." "You're gonna take his place." "But that's ridiculous." "I don't even know what Debs talks like." " I don't know what his mannerisms are" " Max, we have tapes, we have films, we have movies taken while he was in prison." "I'm sure you'll be able to pull it off." "That's providing we can find Debs's part of the map." "Right, it's got to be here somewhere." "Here's something interesting." "Look what happens when I hold this shirt up to the light." "How about that?" "It blocks out the light." "Max, someone has sewn a crude map on the back of this shirt." "I think we've found our map!" "Max, you leave for Mexico immediately." "You start... right here... in a place called Mira Lodo." "( wind blowing )" "What'll you have?" "( mimicking Bogart ) Where is everybody?" "Banditos came through here an hour ago and took all our women." "Oh." "Well, why didn't you go after them?" "Have you ever seen our women?" "So this is Mira Lodo, eh?" " It is." " What does that mean?" "Mira Lodo means "Look at the mud."" "I see." "Well, what do you do around here for excitement?" " Look at the mud." " Look, soldier," "I'm looking for a guy by the name of C Errol Madre." " You know where I can find him?" " Wait here." "Another one here thinks he's Frogsie Debs." "Shall I go out back and start digging another grave?" "Start digging." "What do you want?" " C Errol?" " Is that you, Frogsie?" "Well if it ain't, it's a pretty good imitation." " You bring the map?" " Of course I brought the map." " Where is it?" " I'm wearing it." "Only Frogsie would know the map was on his shirt." "It is you, Frogsie!" "15 years I've been waiting." "You wanna know something?" "15 years, you haven't changed a bit." "You're still wearing the same clothes." "Why is that?" "I'm camp." "I've been waiting a long time." "What do you say we get started mañana?" "Well, if it's all the same to you, C Errol," "I'd just as soon as start tomorrow." "Unless of course you want to start mañana." "It's up to you." " Let's start tomorrow." " Well, that's when I prefer, anyway." "We're going to have to buy a lot of things-- guns, ammo, food." "And we're gonna need some mules." " Yes, and don't forget about soap." " What do you need soap for?" "Well, I like to wash my map out occasionally." "Wait a minute, Madre." "I've got to rest." "I'm all pooped out." "We haven't got time." "Keep moving, Frogsie." "Keep moving." "Come on!" "How much distance do you think we've covered since we left Mira Lodo?" " I'd say about a mile and a half." " Is that good or bad?" " Well, that depends." " On what?" "If you're going to Mira Lodo, it's good." "If you're going away from it, it's bad." "Come on, let's go." "Wait a minute, Madre." "My feet are killing me." "I'm gonna rest here for a while." "You go on ahead." "I'll catch up with you later." "All right, hurry it up." "We haven't got too much time." "Come on." "Hello, 99?" "It's me, Max." "Max, I'm so glad you called!" "I was so worried about you!" "Don't worry about me." "How are you feeling?" "I'm fine." "How's it going?" "Contact the Chief and tell him everything is going perfectly so far." "Hold it, Max." "You can tell him yourself." "He's right here." " Hello, Max." " What are you doing in my apartment?" "I told you I had to be out of the elevator by the end of the week." "99 was gracious enough to let us run CONTROL out of your apartment while you're gone." " How's it going, Max?" " Great, Chief." "Madre bought the whole thing." "He really thinks I'm Frogsie Debs." "2150 to headquarters." "KAOS?" "Madre." "Everything is going exactly as we've planned, except that Maxwell Smart showed up, not Frogsie Debs." "But he does have the map with him." "Yeah, yeah, I know what to do." "As soon as we find the gold, kill him." "Yeah, I'll be in touch." "10-4." "We're gonna have to use your part of the map." "Mine just ran out." "Here, hold this." "Now I know we go due north." "We're looking-- we're looking for a cave." "Hold it a minute, Frogsie." "Turn around." "Let me take another look at the map here." "Let's see." "Now it ought to be right around here someplace." "It's over that hill." "Go take a look, see what you can find." "Madre, the cave-- it's there." "And the gold." "This is the last of it, Madre." "Well, should we start back?" "Just as soon as I take care of one little thing." "( guns firing )" "We've got company." "Get these mules in the back of the cave." "Man:" "Amigos!" "Madre:" "What do you want?" "Amigos, we wish to have a little talk with you." " Who is it, Madre?" " That's Goldmouth." " The senator from Arizona?" " The bandito." "What do you want, Goldmouth?" "All we would like is some water." "You can't have any water." "How about giving us some food?" " Can't have any food either." " Okay!" "Then throw out your gold!" "What do you want with the gold?" "We'll go shopping and buy our own food and water!" "I don't think he's telling the truth, Madre." "You don't think he's telling the truth?" "Of course not." "There are no supermarkets in this area." "Well, I know he's lying." "Let me get a bead on him here." "Hold it, Madre." "Let me talk to him." "Goldmouth!" "What do you want with our gold when you've got such a wealthy mouth?" "These are only temporary!" "They can keep us pinned down till we run out of ammo." "Unless one of us can stay here and hold 'em off while the other guy gets away." " Hey, that might work." " Yes, but now we've got to decide who goes and who stays." "Seeing as it's your idea, you stay and I'll take the gold to Mira Lodo." "You slip away when you get a chance and meet me there." "Are you crazy?" "You know what's going to happen if he finds out I'm out of ammunition?" "He's gonna slap my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling." "No dice, Madre." "We're partners and we're gonna stay partners." "A partner is a partner, and one partner doesn't make a patsy out of another partner." "Would you say that in that direction?" " Why?" " You're spitting all over me." "Okay, but that doesn't change anything." "A partner is a partner, and there's only one way to break up a partnership." "That's the way." "I thought as much when he didn't move for 10 minutes." "The other one is gone and so are the burros." "They went out the other side of the cave." "He will not get far." "I know the shortcut." "( speaking Spanish )" "( speaks Spanish )" "Will you come on?" "I'm in a hurry!" "( speaks Spanish )" "Goldmouth:" "Hello, mister." "Didn't I see you somewhere before?" " Don't reach for your gun!" " ( gunshot )" "I warned you not to reach for your gun, señor." "Now look." "You have a hole in your shoulder." "All right, Goldmouth, drop your gun." "You too, Pancho." "No, mister." "You drop your gun." "Are you all right, Madre?" "I'm not Madre, Smart." "I'm with KAOS." "How did you know my name?" "I overheard you talking on the canteen phone." " But how could you?" " I bugged the water." "How do you like that?" "I thought it was Montezuma's Revenge." "Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take you into custody." "What gives you the authority to take him into your custody, señor?" "I'm Maxwell Smart." "I'm an agent with CONTROL." "Permit me to introduce myself." "I'm Capitan Rafael Rodriguez of the Mexican Secret Police." "Well, I'm happy to meet you, Captain." "According to my understanding, your government will get half the gold, and my government will get half the gold." "That is most satisfactory, seño" " What's the matter?" " I have a toothache." "Well, why don't you go to a dentist?" "I'm afraid of dentists." "Oh." "Well, how about a jeweler?" "( theme music playing )"