"Copyright from SI Media" "I did everything that I was supposed to do." "I didn't cry in meetings." "I didn't wear short skirts." "I put up with the weird upper management guys that kiss yöu on the mouth at Christmas." "Is it fair that to be the yöungest VP in my company," "I will be the oldest mom at preschool?" "Not really,but that's part of the deal." "I made a choice." "Some women got pregnant." "I got promotions." "And I still aspire to meet someone and fall in love and get married, but that is a very high-risk scenario." "And I want a baby now." "I'm 37." "It's too much for a first date,isn't it?" "I said too much." "I'm just gonna go use the..." "I'm gonna need this to go." "Good morning." "Thank yöu for being here so early." "Hi." "How are yöu?" "Let's get started." "That one." "Well..." "I just don't like yöur uterus." "Don't get me wrong." "yöur eggs are in great shape,but yöu have a T-shaped uterus." "That combined with yöur advanced maternal age, it's preventing proper implantation." "Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?" "Well,probably has something to do with medication that was given to yöur mother when she was pregnant with yöu." "We used lot of drugs back in the '70s which we now know can cause infertility." "Infertility?" "Yeah." "I would say that yöur chances of conceiving are very low." "How low?" "Well,I don't want to assign a number to it." "What would yöu assign it?" "A color,a nickname,a locker?" "Okay." "One in a million." "I just don't like..." "Don't say that again." "Come to think of it," "I did take something for liver spots when I was pregnant with yöu, but I really don't see how that could cause any problems for yöur uterus." "It was just a different time." "They didn't warn people about side effects." "They warned me." "I think I might even have signed something." "What?" "Kate,I was 30 years old." "I was starting to get liver spots." "Liver spots!" "I just hope yöu put this baby mania to rest." "It's not mania." "How many times have yöu tried now?" " Three?" " Nine." "The last two were in vitro." "Have yöu considered adoption?" "I have applied for an adoption,yes." "Kate,please don't get a black baby." "Well,I don't think we'll have to worry about that, because for a single woman, it can take about five years to get an adoption." "I've just had it with all these movie stars showing off." ""Look at me and my black baby."" "Kill me." "I want yöu to stab me with something." "yöu know,Kate,not everyone is as tolerant of yöur alternative lifestyle as we are." "Being single is not an alternative lifestyle." "It is when yöu're 37." "Oh,out like a light." "Have yöu thought about using a surrogate?" "I saw a thing about it on Dateline." "No,it's weird." "It's for weirdoes." "I'm just gonna keep trying by myself." "Kate,building a family is not like opening one of yöur stores." "It's not an executive decision." "It's real life." "It's messy." "These hormone injections make me want to punch yöu in the face right now." "No hitting." " That's right. - yöu're right." " There yöu go." " Come on." "Well,how much longer are yöu gonna put yöur body through this?" "Look,I know for years I said I didn't want one, but I just woke up one day, and I felt like every baby on the street was staring at me." "Katie's coming out of the mommy closet." "Hey,Tyler." "Tyler,what is this all over yöu?" "Is that chocolate or poop?" "Is that chocolate or poop?" "It's chocolate." "What if that had been poop?" "I told yöu,messy,but great." "Not bad." "Everybody do a shot of this pea soup." "Let's go with this." "Call it "Health Monster."" "That's great." "It's what I do." "yöu know," "I was swimming this morning with the dolphins in Costa Rica, and I realized something." "I am a great man." "And great men do great things." "I want to open a flagship store right here in Philadelphia." "I want it to be the biggest store we ever built," "I want it to be made of 100% recyclable materials, and I want it to be so beautiful that people want to get married in it." "Kate,join me up here." "I'm wearing a dress,Barry." "Won't yöu?" "Sure." "Okay." "Kate,I want yöu to spearhead this as our new vice president." "This is me transferring my success to yöu." "Thank yöu,Barry." "Hold on." "Thanks." " Congratulations." " Yeah." " Thank yöu." " Congratulations,Kate." "Hello." "I'm Chaffee Bicknell." "There's just one of yöu." "I thought Chaffee and Bicknell were two different people." " Come in." " Certainly." "I started this business because I saw a growth market." "We don't do our own taxes anymore." "We don't program our computers." "We outsource." "And what is surrogacy if not outsourcing?" "Wait. yöu're not saying my baby would be carried by some poor,underpaid woman in the third world." "No." "We're also expensive." "Our fee is $100,000." "It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed." "It takes longer." "All of our surrogates undergo extensive background checks." "Criminal records,credit reports,medical histories and psychological testing." "But why do these women do it?" "Is it just for the money?" "yöu do yöur job for the money,but I bet yöu love it and yöu're good at it." "Let me ask yöu a question." "Do yöu plan on hiring a nanny?" "Of course." "I have to go back to work." "How is this any different?" "A nanny is someone yöu trust to take care of yöur baby after it's born." "A surrogate mother is someone yöu trust to take care of yöur baby before it's born." "Either way it's yöur baby." "And here's my baby." "Hello,my sweetheart." "Hello,little one." "Oh,yes." "What a good girl." "Yes." "Everyone deserves this." "That's why I wanna remove the stigma from surrogacy." "There's no wrong way to make a family." "And yöu're proof of that." "How do yöu mean?" "Just that yöu have this beautiful baby using surrogacy." "Oh,no." "My husband and I conceived Sabrina the old-fashioned way." "But yöu're so..." " Old?" "yöu wouldn't think so if yöu saw my uterus." "But yöu know what really made this little angel possible?" "A time machine?" "A positive attitude." "yöu may not have my fertile body, but with my help yöu can still be a mother." "Make the cracks break Shake it till they drop" "Make the booty go wah,wah,wah" "Make the cracks break Shake it till they drop" "Make the booty go wah,wah,wah" "Nice." "Yo,who yöu waiting on again?" "Her name's Angie." "Well,she might be my surrogate mother." "That's right. yöu got yöur baby mama coming." "yöu know I got two baby mamas,right?" "No,this is different. yöu had relationships with those women." "No,I had no relationships with those women." "I had relations with those women." "No." "I'm paying her." "This was set up by an agency." "There are contracts involved." "It's strictly business." "yöu pay the bills,she have the baby." "That's called a baby mama." "yöu ask any black man in Philadelphia." "Yo,what if that's yöur baby mama?" "I don't think that's her." "Here come yöur baby mama" "Riding a Suzuki" "I wanna spend about 15 minutes here, then I wanna get my picture taken punching the Rocky statue." "Yeah,well,yöu're gonna have to sketch it, 'cause I didn't bring a camera." "Okay,yöu did that on purpose,didn't yöu?" "Trying to sabotage my art." " This might be them." " All right,I'm an artist." " Oscar,this might be them." " I want it to look artistic." "yöu told me to tell yöu when yöu were sounding ignorant." "yöu're sounding ignorant." " Angie?" " What?" "I'm Kate." "Hi." "Nice to meet yöu." "This is Carl,my husband." "Common-law." "He always says that." "Well,please,come on in." "Thank yöu." "Listen,shut her down in drive and slam it into park or it'll start smoking,okay?" "And I'll be back with this." "So,how long have yöu two been together?" "We met the summer after I discontinued high school." "And we've been together ever since." "He never officially asked me to be his wife, but he never asked me to not be his wife either, so things are going pretty good." "Wow." "The place is amazing." "Let me..." "Beautiful." "Kind of looks like Kate Hudson's New York apartment." "She read that somewhere." "I don't think she's saying it right." "No,she's saying it right." "Out of all the places that we've interviewed at, this is by far the nicest." "What does yöur husband do?" "Well,I don't have a husband." "Got this place all by yöurself?" "Must have a really fancy job." "Well,I am the vice president of development for Round Earth Foods." "So yöu take over if the president is shot?" "Well..." " I like yöur shirt." " Thanks." "It's a shirt-vest kind of..." "I don't know." "I just like making styles and stuff." "It's something I like to do." "What,yöu don't get down with rap?" "Boy,somewhere in there I have an old Salt-n-Pepa CD." "Hmm..." "What do yöu do,Carl?" "Carl is an inventor slash entrepreneur." "Yeah." "I'm still looking for that home run,yöu know." "I mean,when I saw the iPod the first time,I was like..." "I mean,I could've kicked myself." "That was so hard on him." "Now we're pretty tight on cash." "So that led yöu to surrogacy?" "Hey,I gotta say, when I first thought about Angie carrying someone else's baby," "I felt weird about it." "Then I thought,"Oh,my God," ""if my wife's gotta have sex with someone else's husband to do this..."" " Out of the question. - "...that's gonna cost extra."" "It's out of the question." "Wow." "This is a nice view." "So,have yöu done this before?" "No." "But I know I'm good at getting pregnant." "That's not what I'm asking about." "yöu know,we all had our scares." " No,not really." " Me neither." "Pardon my asking this,but how many couples,women, how many people are yöu interviewing before yöu make yöur decision?" "I guess yöu're like our sixth or seventh." "And how's it going?" "Good." "yöu know how in science they say that everybody's aura gives off a different color?" "I can read those auras." "I'm very sensitive to people's energies." "So,I meet new people and I get exhausted." "Oh,yeah." "What color is my aura?" "Let me see." "Sunsetty." "It's like a sunset." " I'm really digging it." " Good." " Congratulations." " Good,good." "Really good color." "Well,good." "Because I really hope that yöu like me,Angie, because I'm asking yöu for a very big favor,yöu know." "yöu have a God-given ability that I just don't have." "I know I could be good at this." "I think yöu could,too." "And,yöu know,it's nice to feel..." " Needed?" " Yeah." "Needed." "Important,useful?" "I like all those words." "Yeah,well,I can't do this without yöu." "I've tried." "I need yöu,Angie." "I'm gonna make a decision." "I made my decision." "Decision made." "Kate,I want yöu to put yöur baby inside me." "Angie,I'm gonna put my baby inside yöu." "This stuff is good." "What's the street name for this?" "So as yöu can see, we've transferred three of Kate's fertilized eggs to yöur womb,Angie." "Now with the hormones yöu've been taking, the probability of success is about 60%." "yöu should continue taking the hormones and get as much rest as possible." "And in about two weeks,yöu can take a home pregnancy test." "I live right here." "Thanks for driving me all the way home." "Carl couldn't leave the house 'cause he's trying to win a radio contest." "Well,I would've offered to do it anyway." "Here,let me give yöu some money for gas." "No,no,please." "It's my treat." "Really?" "Of course." "Angie,yöu don't understand." "I want to be there for yöu every step of the way." "I hope yöu don't mind." "I bought yöu some groceries." "I thought yöu might want to start eating organic." "That crap is for rich people who hate themselves." "Sorry,this place is such a mess." "I haven't had time to clean up." "No,it has a nice old-timey smell." "Is that an alligator?" "Hellboy?" "No,that's Carl's iguana." "Great." "Well,I'm gonna put this fruit in yöur refrigerator." "That's the song!" "When they play Red Red Wine,yöu gotta be the 103.7th caller." " What up,baby lady?" " Hello." "Shut the door,Carl!" "How am I gonna talk through a door?" "How can yöu be the 103.7th caller?" "Angie,I don't have time to explain arithmetic to yöu." "That don't make no sense." "I will see yöu in two weeks." "Please try to get some..." "Would yöu grab my smokes?" "yöu know yöu're not supposed to smoke in front of me." "I'm trying to quit." " ...rest." "Try to get some rest." " Yeah,that's yöur situation,all right?" "I'm in here trying to win us Arena Football tickets." "Close the door,Carl." "So,what we're looking for is at least 15,000 square feet in the next cool neighborhood." "It can be open lots." "It can be buildings that we buy and tear down, although no historic buildings." "We want to be perceived as enhancing the neighborhood, not destroying its character." "Also,Barry would like to use mostly found and recycled materials." "So that's gonna affect us,zoning-wise." "I don't care what we spend,but we have to get it right." "Shannon!" "Dante!" "Anybody?" "Sorry about that." "Welcome to Super Fruity." "What can I get yöu?" "Does the Orange yöu Glad I Didn't Say Banana?" "in fact contain banana?" "Yeah." "Yeah,but it's a good question." "I think the name's a little more clever than it is informative." "Well,I will try it." "Okay." "Hey,I'm looking for a new apartment." "What is yöur read on this neighborhood?" "The neighborhood's good." "It's good." "It's changing a lot." "A lot of condos going up." "The real estate people are trying to give it one of those clever names,they call it WeBeSoCa, which is Webster,south of Catherine,I guess." "How's business?" "It's a little slow." "But kind of tough,yöu know,going up against the man." "The cops?" "Jamba Juice." "Jamba Juice is the man?" "Yeah." "Corporate juice pimps." "Thought yöu should know,and yöu'll feel free to tell yöur friends." "Okay." "I will tell them." "Okay,now. yöu have a super fruity day." "I want yöu to start finding out what's available between the 1500 block and 1800 block of West Catherine Street." "Ron,I gotta call yöu back." " Angie?" " Hi,it's Angie." "I know." "I know." "So,any news?" "Well,I peed on one of those stick thingies,and it said yes." "Angie,that is just the greatest news!" "That's just unbelievably great." "Yeah,yeah." "Thank yöu so much,Angie." "If yöu need anything,anything at all,yöu let me know,okay?" "Yeah,okay." "I will." "I'm having a baby!" "Hello." "What if the baby's a hermaphrodite?" "What?" "A chick with a dick." "I heard it happens to about 2% of babies." "Well,that's crazy." "That would mean that 10 people from our high school were hermaphrodites." "Mommy." "Mommy." "Mommy." "Mommy." "No,that sounds about right,actually." "yöu can't solve problems by worrying about them." "Is that Alex?" "What does she want for her birthday?" "Karaoke Revolution or a cell phone." "She's four." "Do yöu think it's too much if I ask Angie to call me every day?" "She just seems so chaotic." "I don't know if she's eating right." "Is she getting enough exercise?" "Is she moving around too much?" "yöu're only six weeks in." "yöu can't put her in a cage and force-feed her." "I know." "I know." "Expecting a baby?" "Did I tell yöu?" "I found a location for the new store." "Yeah,I have to pitch it tomorrow." "It's gonna be a girl." "That's what's making yöur hair so dry." "Cash or credit?" "Cash." "Oscar?" "yöu got baby mama drama." "Hey,I left Carl." "I found out he was effing around on me,so we got into a huge fight." "Things got really physical." "Oh,my God." "Are yöu okay?" "Yeah." "I didn't hit him too hard." "Hey,I brought yöu a picture of the baby." "yöu know,an ultrasound picture." "Oh,my gosh." "Looks like a squirrel." "A cute,cute squirrel." "Anyway,it's kind of early,so yöu can't really see anything, but they took a picture of it just to make sure it's growing right." "They said all the parts are good." "Why didn't yöu tell me?" "I would've been there." "I didn't want to bother yöu." "Don't worry." "This couch is more comfortable than it looks." "I also put a stack of clean towels for yöu in the bathroom." "Do yöu need a toothbrush?" "Because I have some extras that I keep for houseguests." "Good night,squirrel." "What we have here is our Boo Boo Buster No-Slam Door,okay?" "Watch how this works." "yöu can just slam it." "It bounces right back." "So yöu can put yöur fingers right on in there,and it wouldn't..." "Not yöu,it'll only work for baby fingers." " Okay." " Okay?" "Also included in yöur premium package, we have child protection everywhere." "The doors,the door handles,yöu have the cabinets, caps all over the outlets,cabinets,everything." "It's just baby-proof all over the place." "Shouldn't be a problem for anybody over the age of seven." "yöu sure have done a great job getting an early jump on yöur baby-proofing." "Well,yöu guys are the best in the city, and I didn't want to risk being on a waiting list." "True." "But yöu can't be no more than three,four months pregnant." "There's something wrong with yöur toilet." "I'm sorry I broke one of yöur rules." "yöu peed in the sink." "Isn't that against everyone's rules?" "Only a crazy person locks their toilet." "It's for the baby." "It's safe." "Please don't touch anything else." "I'm here." "I'm here." "I'm sorry." "45 minutes late." "This isn't like yöu." "I'm sorry,Barry." "I'm just a little out of whack today." "Want me to get Dr. Gary down here?" "Give yöu a shot of bee pollen?" "No,thank yöu." "I'm good." "Let's do this." "Thank yöu for waiting,everyone." "This may look like a dilapidated warehouse..." "# Lady Luck gets on my side #" "# We're gonna rock this town alive #" "# I'll let her rough me up #" "Thanks,Oscar." "# She knocks me out #" "# She walks like she talks and she talks like she walks #" "# She bangs,she bangs #" " Hey." " What are yöu doing?" "What is this mess?" "# Oh,baby,she moves,she moves #" "This game is awesome." "Where did yöu get this?" "That's supposed to be my niece's birthday present." "Sorry." "Angie,what kind of food is this for a pregnant woman?" "Dr. Pepper,Pringles,Tastykakes?" "Red Bull?" "Angie,Red Bull?" "yöu have to remember that yöu are carrying something very precious." " Like a little puppy." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Or a baby." "What yöu eat,the baby eats." "What yöu listen to,the baby listens to." "If yöu listen to DMX,the baby comes out going..." "Are those cigarettes?" "What?" "No." "Where?" "Do yöu know how stupid it is to smoke at all let alone when yöu are pregnant?" "I'm not smoking." "I swear,I'm not..." "Why would yöu answer my phone?" " Hello." " Kate,we're moving forward." "I think that that is a great decision,Barry." "Yes,let's get those facts and figures,Barry,into the idea machine." "We should close in a couple of weeks." "I want yöu to put together a press conference." "How about we start with a little community outreach and get the people in the neighborhood on our side, and then let the press find us?" "That's why I'm a genius for hiring people like yöu." "All right,yöu." "My job gives me access to the most nutritious, chemical-free food in the world." "I don't want my kid born addicted to high-fructose corn syrup." "There is a thing called being too healthy." "That's what killed Bruce Lee." "Really?" "Where did yöu read that?" "The Weekly World Dum-Dum?" "All right." "This is yöur folic acid and this is yöur pre-natal vitamin." "yöu're serious about this?" "I don't want my baby to have a pinhead." "I can't do it." "I got it." "It's going..." "I can't swallow it." "What is this?" "Water." "It's horrible!" " I need a..." " No,I can't put it in yöur butt." "Angie,cats can do this." "Come on." " It's in there." " Just try." "Just relax." "Close yöur eyes,open yöur mouth, and do it!" "Swallow it." "Take it." "There yöu go!" "yöu did it." "Hey,I'm just like a lot of yöu." "I grew up at 52nd and Walnut." "I attended West Philly High." "I smoked a joint with Hall  Oates during the bicentennial,all of that." "But unlike a lot of yöu," "I have since traveled the world." "I've had papaya on the beach at Virgin Gorda." "I've toasted pine nuts at the mouth of an active volcano." "I sat down with Native Americans and had some amazing salmon." "And I'm here to share my experiences with yöu." "yöu know,I was talking to Jimmy Buffett this morning about trans fats..." "Barry,the time." "Well,I'm sorry I can't stay longer, but I have to swing by my son's graduation." "So I will turn yöu over to our vice president of development,Ms. Kate Holbrook." "Good morning and thank yöu..." "Will there be pedestrian access during construction?" "How can yöu charge $4 for one mango?" "What's yöur carbon footprint?" "Okay,how about we line up down front here at the microphone?" "And I can take yöur questions..." "And I can take yöur questions one at a time." "Hi." "Rob Ackerman,WeBeSoCa Small Business Owners' Association, and I also own Super Fruity Smoothies." "It's like Jamba Juice." "No,it's not." "It's not like Jamba Juice at all." "I think yöu've been to my store." "Yes,I have." "I remember." "Did yöu ever find that apartment yöu were looking for?" "Not yet." "No." "Here's my question." "Exactly what portion of yöur profits are gonna go towards rebuilding and the revitalization of our community?" "Yes!" "Thank yöu for that question." "Those are free,by the way. yöu don't have to sneak them." "All of this stuff is our gift to yöu." "Hey,Kate." "Hi." "What a spread." "Thanks." "So,I had one last question for yöu." "Okay." "yöu never told me how yöu liked the smoothie." "Well,a little too much banana for me." "Wow." "yöu know,Mr. Ackerman..." "No,no,no." "Mr. Ackerman's my dog. yöu gotta call me Rob." "Okay,Rob." "I really don't want any tension with the Small Business Owners' Association." "So I would be happy to sit down with yöu some time and... yöu asking me out on a date?" "No." "yöu sure?" "'Cause yöu lied to me once already." "Yes,I'm sure." "See yöu around." "And then he asked me if I was asking him out,and I was like,"What?"" "Is he cute?" "Yes,but yöu're missing the point." "Hold on,Caroline." "Angie?" "I'm starving!" "Well,look in the refrigerator, there's a big container of Monster Health Pea Soup." "This looks really weird and healthy." "I don't like it." "It's good for yöu." "I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I would rather be shot in the face than eat this stupid food." "Angie,just eat it,okay?" "Bye." "Caroline?" "She's crazy." "It is like living with a child." "Well,yöu know,yöu will literally be living with a child soon." "Maybe yöu need to just get used to it." "Alex!" "Alex!" "Wait." "I'm an adult." "She's an adult." "We will work this out." "yöu know,studies show that babies can learn a second language in the womb." "yöu know,yöu should play an English tape,so it can come out talking, and it can be in commercials,and yöu'll make a lot of money." "Next." "The elephant has big ears." "yöur CD's skipping." "I'm gonna watch TV instead." " Oh,man." "This show's awesome." " In this next clip is a dad playing baseball with his son." "That kid's gonna hit his dad in the nuts." "Beautiful day!" "What could possibly go wrong?" "Hey,have yöu seen this one before?" "yöu have a kid with a Wiffleball bat and a dad with a crotch." "Proudest moment in any father-son relationship." "yöu know,it's not gonna be funny if yöu ruin the ending!" "Here comes the pitch!" "It is!" "It's still funny!" "Oh,man." "Did yöu just stick yöur gum under my coffee table?" " I don't know." " What do yöu mean,yöu don't know?" "Do yöu think yöu're at an Arby's right now?" "yöu know what?" "I wish I was at an Arby's." "'Cause there's better food and cooler people there." "Did yöu stick all this gum under here?" "I don't know!" "Maybe yöu stuck some of it under there." "Yeah,actually yöu might be right, because sometimes when I work a really long day," "I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table!" "Bitch,I don't know yöur life!" "All right,ladies,there's no need to yell." "Well,the mystery remains as to who put the gum under there." "No,it doesn't." "Kate,yöu're used to being the boss, and,Angie,being pregnant makes yöu feel vulnerable and sensitive." "I know my hormones are on a rollercoaster right now." "Are yöu saying..." "That's right." "I'm expecting again." "Expecting what,a social security check?" " It's weird,isn't it?" " Yeah." "These conflicts are normal." "This is a highly unusual relationship,and that's what this support group is for." "Jonathan would like to share again." "I mean,I'm only saying because this reminded me of something I was journaling,just the other day." "I feel really bad because Karen and I are fighting a lot, because I think she's becoming morbidly obese." "And I keep reminding him that she is pregnant." "And then I realized that I am..." "I'm..." "No." "I am..." "Okay." "I'm anorexic,and it's really hard,because she's so fat." "And I..." "I love Christopher so much, and he's fat,and I'm afraid the baby's gonna be fat." "And it's just me and two fatties." "I'm proud of yöu,Jonathan." "Thank yöu for sharing that." "Yeah,that's a..." "Thank yöu." "Anyone else?" " I can go." " Dave?" "The wife and I are Methodists." "Ashley here is a Wiccan." "It's kind of like a witch." "They have stores,I think." "But,yöu know,at first,I was a little worried about a witch carrying my child, but I came around to the idea,or she put a spell on me." "Did yöu do that,Ashley?" "I'm sorry." " I'd like to share something." " Please." "Okay,I don't know,like,all the therapy terms..." "Well,I don't know the therapy terms,either." "I don't go to therapy." "Yeah,but I'd just like to say that Kate is always up in my business." "Well,when someone falls asleep with a curling iron in their hair, it becomes necessary to insert yöurself in their business." "That happened two times!" "Angie,bottom line,yöu're carrying Kate's baby, and yöu do wanna get paid,right?" "Yeah." "That means that Kate does deserve some input." "But,Kate,yöu must remember that a surrogate is not yöur employee, but yöur partner." "Yeah,Kate,we're partners,like Tom and Jerry." "Tom and Jerry hate each other." "What?" "They love each other!" "What show are yöu watching?" "They're a cat and a mouse." "They have so much fun together!" "Children in Japan can understand that." "yöu are dead wrong." "I want yöu two to spend more time together." " That's impossible." "We're always together." " I don't..." "Yeah." "Let Angie help yöu get ready for the baby." "Decorate the nursery together,pick out a crib." "Do all the things yöu would do if yöu were pregnant, just do them with Angie." "Wake up,partner." "It's time for birthing class." "Yay." "Welcome to The Birthing Center." "In this birthing class, we are going to help yöu new mommies and daddies, and our mommies and mommies,lesbian lovers..." " No." " No." "...prepare for that marathon of labor." "Quick question before we start." "How many of yöu are planning on doing natural childbirth?" "That's a good show of hands." "That's so great,yöu're all so great." "And how many of yöu are planning on using toxic Western medications to drug yöur baby for yöur own selfish comfort?" "Anyone?" "Now this,this is the Lexus of strollers." "Got an iPod adapter,leather trim." "Check that out,feel that." "Back of yöur hand,back of yöur hand." "Now,what's the first word yöu think of when yöu think of stroller?" "Baby." "Okay,what's the second word yöu think of?" " Infant." " No." "It's "top of the line safety features." Check this out." "I'll take it." "# I'm never gonna dance again #" "# Guilty feet yihave got no rhythm #" "# Though it's easy to pretend #" "# I know yöu're not a fool #" "What is the point of that game?" "It gives yöu points depending on how good yöu sing." "I'm the highest scorer." "yöu're the only one that's ever played it." "What is that smell?" "I'm dying my roots." "I was just trying to get some highlights." "So many chemicals!" "yöu're a brunette,yöu don't understand!" "yöu're a brunette!" "I was blond when I was a kid!" "I'm clean." "I'm clean!" "Hi." "I'm sorry,I think I may have overreacted back there." "yöu think?" "It's just this whole thing is very important to me." "And frankly,it makes me a little bit crazy that yöu get to feel it and experience it, while I just watch." "And I might be a little bit jealous." "Jealous?" "How could yöu be jealous of me?" "I'm sorry I called yöu stupid." "I'm sorry I farted into yöur purse." "What?" "I found this shell while running barefoot through the Toronto airport." "I want yöu to make our flagship store like this shell." "yöu want it to look like the shell?" "yöu know,Rick,when yöu talk to me in that tone of voice," "I get incredibly angry." "I couldn't have been more specific... yöu want it to have the essence of the shell." "Yes,that's it,exactly." "Thank yöu,Kate." "I'm sorry I flipped,Rick." "Give me the essence of this shell." "As yöur pregnancy progresses, yöur partner can help yöu prep yöur perineum for the great stretch of delivery." "Massage the area daily with a little EVOO to help yöu stretch and prevent tearing." "What is she talking about?" "I think she wants me to rub olive oil on yöur taint." "Is it cool if maybe I just spray a little PAM down in that area, right before the baby comes out?" "yöu have to admit it's a valid suggestion." "So,are yöu pissed that no one ever married yöu?" "Well,I almost got married once to a guy named Scott." "We were together for six and a half years." "Damn,just shy of common-law." "Yeah,actually." "He was the only guy I ever lived with." "So now he has three kids,beautiful kids,with another woman, an old co-worker of mine,actually." "That sucks." "yöu know what?" "Don't worry about it, cause yöu're super-successful,and yöu have sweet-ass legs." "Thank yöu,I think." "I had one good boyfriend before Carl." "Really?" "Donny Landis." "We used to work at Blimpie together when we were 16, and sit and eat pickles in the back." "He waited a whole month before he touched my boobs." "Then he went to the University of Scranton, and I never heard from him again." "He was my Justin Timberlake." "Angie,yöu can still have a totally different life." "yöu're a very smart person." "Thanks." "I figured out how to beat yöu at this game,by the way." "Yeah,that's what it's about." "There's a lot of techniques that yöu can use." "# I come home in the morning light #" "# My mother says When yöu gonna live yöur life right?" "# yöu gotta hold the note till the end." "# We're not the fortunate ones #" "# And girls just want to have fun #" "# Oh,girls just want to have fun #" "Come on,get up here." "# Just wanna,they just wanna #" "# Just wanna,they just wanna #" "# They just wanna,they just wanna #" "# They just wanna,they just wanna #" " # Girls!" "# - # Girls!" "#" "# Girls just wanna have fun #" "# Girls just wanna have fun #" "I think that was harmony." "That was harmony!" "Look at her." "She's got good jugs." "My avatar is dressed like a whore." "So,what do yöu wanna talk about,Carl?" "I want yöu to come home." "Baby,I miss yöu." "I haven't had sex in two weeks." "I've been gone a month." "Whatever." "Carl,after spending time with Kate," "I kind of feel like I can evaluate the direction my life is going, and I feel like that direction does not include yöu." "Carl!" "yöu and yöur best friend,Kate?" "I got bad news." "She's using yöu to have a baby." "yöu think yöu guys would be friends in real life?" "She's a business lady." "It's just business." "yöu don't even know her,Carl." "All right,yöu got no right to cut me out of this deal." "Who's the one who said yöu should go into the baby-making business in the first place?" "Me." "When the pee-stick said no,who's the one who figured out how to keep things going?" "Me." " yöu should..." " Here yöu go." "yöu shouldn't have forged that pregnancy test,Carl." "Maybe yöu should've actually gotten pregnant like yöu were supposed to." "yöu did a dumb thing,moving in with that lady." "Real dumb." "We were supposed to forge the test, send her the ultrasound picture in the mail, and then cash the checks." "One,two,three." "The ultrasound looked like a squirrel,by the way." "Cause it was a squirrel." "That's all I could find on the Internet." "Look,Katie's gonna notice. yöu're not getting bigger." "When yöu go to the doctor's office, and yöu take the test,she's gonna know." "Sweetie,yöu're not smart enough to pull this off." "Excuse me." "These are mine,right?" "How far along are yöu?" "I'm pretty pregnant." "She's 14 weeks." "Me,too!" "yöu're so lucky. yöu're not showing at all." "Nice talking to yöu." "Angie?" "I'm going to work." "Feel better,okay?" "I'm done." "No." "I'm not done!" "Morning sickness." "Sounds like she's dying." "Just so pregnant." "Right there." "What?" " On yöur hand." " Where?" " Right..." "Yup..." "See." "Right." " Where?" "Girl,that's vomit!" "Do something about them vomit chunks,girl!" "Okay." "God!" "I love it,Kate." "I wanna reward yöu with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact." "Yay." "yöu can stay,Rick,if yöu..." "Okay." "In the last 24 hours,I got clearances on the titles and the permits, tax-incentive grants from the city and the states, and Barry on the plane to surf camp." "I'm at the top of my game." "That's great!" "Let's do something." "Let's celebrate!" "I thought we could order food and watch this DVD that I got." "It's a British documentary about a woman who gives birth to a 15-pound baby,vaginally." "Can't wait to not watch this. yöu and I need to go out." " Let's go clubbing." " Clubbing?" "yöu need to get out of yöur comfort zone." "Go meet some dudes." "Although,I do have a new ginger body splash that I've been dying to try." " Wow!" " Yes." "That's really frisky." "Let's do it." "# Congratulations!" "#" "yöu're wearing that?" "Well,we are going to a nightclub." "Ain't no good gonna come of this." "This place is awesome." "I haven't been to a place like this since ever." "Okay." "She'll have a double margarita,no ice,and two of those." "And I'll have a bottle of water." " Hey,let's dance!" " Okay!" "Stop framing yöur face." "Okay." "I think it's good!" "It's not." "Here,drink this!" "Oh,my God!" "That is strong." "Is it?" "Try this one." "That is stronger!" "I know,I know." "Do this shot." "Why am I doing this?" "Are yöu having fun?" "I am!" "yöu know what I've always wanted to do?" "This one is for the ladies!" "All right!" "Good slow jam!" "Old-school!" "All right!" "All right!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Listen to it!" "It's a really beautiful song!" "If I was alone,I mean,not pregnant,I would be macking on all of this." "There's nobody here I would ever go out with." "Are yöu serious?" "What about that guy?" "He looks like a laundry bag full of meat." "What about that guy over there?" "He's wearing a suit." "It's denim." "yöu're so picky!" "Well,at least he's not a grade-A dork like that guy." "Oh,my God,Scott!" "Who?" "That's my ex-boyfriend,Scott,that I told yöu about." "Why is he here?" "yöu went out with him?" "I did." "Why?" "He's beautiful." "Where?" "Look at his mustache!" "I know!" "I'm gonna go say hi." "No,don't,it's a bad..." "Kate,I'm gonna watch yöur drink." "Hi,Scott." "Kate,my gosh,yöu look great!" "What are yöu doing here?" "I'm just clubbing." "yöu remember my wife,Jean?" "Oh,yeah." "Hi,Jean,how are yöu?" "How's everything?" "It's great." "We just bought a house in Bucks County." "I'm still doing stuff for Doctors Without Borders." "Recently,we took in some Hurricane Katrina dogs." "And I was in a bicycle accident that made my penis bigger." "How are yöu?" "I'm doing awesome." "I've just been working a lot,and I cannot have babies,it turns out." "So,good job picking this one." "What it is,actually,is my uterus is T-shaped,which is like..." "So,but actually,funny story." "See that..." "Okay,see that little blonde woman,over here?" " I am paying her to have..." " Hi." "Stop talking now." "Bye,Jean." "Why does he make me so crazy?" "Forget about him." "He dumped yöu." "He's an asshole." "No,he's a good person." "No,yöu're a good person." "yöu don't need another good person around yöu." "That's yöur thing." "He's trying to take that from yöu!" "He wanted to marry me,and I wanted to focus on work." "Of course yöu did!" "Because working is awesome and being married sucks!" "That's his car." " What,this right here?" " Yes." "Silver Infiniti,Penn State sticker, baseball mitt in the backseat..." "This is Scott. yöu know what we should do?" "Yeah!" "I was gonna say leave a funny note!" "Where are we?" "WeBeSoCa." "What?" "yöu're so wasted." "Stop right here!" "This is good." "Pull over right here." "Angie,I'm gonna go get a ginger carrot juice, and yöu should go home and get some rest, because yöu look very sleepy and tired." "Where are yöu going?" "We're closed!" "Yeah,well,it looks about the same as when yöu're open." "Don't tell me,yöur people are gonna start bulldozing the neighborhood tonight." "Yeah,I'm..." "I'm really,really sorry that I'm so good at my job." "What is this,a taste test?" "No,actually,I wouldn't do that if I were yöu." "No,that..." "That's not..." " It's horrible." " Not very good." "It's a combination of papaya juice and coffee." "I keep this notepad by my bed in the middle of the night, and I write down these ideas when I'm half asleep, and they never make any sense." "I do that,too." "And then I wake up,and I have these little notes that say things like," ""make everybody be twins" and "electric toilet."" "Those are not good ideas." "They're really not." "So why are yöu out so late?" "Are yöu a prostitute at night,or..." "No." "I went out tonight for the first time in a long time, and I let a friend of mine dress me." "Well,yöur friend is a great American." "Sorry." "yöu know,I really like yöur logo." "Yeah?" "Yeah,I did it myself." "I really like it." "yöu don't think it looks like a penis?" " No,I don't see that." " No?" "No,I don't see that." "Over here yöu got two obvious..." " I don't know what yöu're talking about. - ...stiff ones..." "No?" "No,I don't know what yöu're talking about." "yöu're being nice." "Thank yöu." "Also,I don't think yöu wanna pick a fight with Jamba Juice." "I mean,they're not exactly Wal-Mart." "Well,they are." "They're the Exxon of frozen juice companies." "Yes,I think I saw a Michael Moore documentary about that." "That's embarrassing." "So is that offer to get together some time still on the table?" "Are yöu asking me out?" "Yes,I think I am." "Okay,yes,then,yes." "Yeah." "Great." "This came off my head." "Some of that hair's real,right?" "No." "I'm bald." "I'm..." "These are real." "So we got that going for us." "Hi,Carl." "What's up,hot stuff?" "What are yöu doing here?" "I told yöu to stay away from me." "yöu think yöu're getting this payday without me?" "No way." "I want my half,okay?" "And I've got insurance,the actual pee-stick." "I don't even know if that's real. yöu probably peed on it." "Maybe I did,maybe I didn't." "But I'll tell yöu this." "It's gonna raise a lot of questions when Kate takes this down to the lab, and they start doing DNA tests with CSI stuff, and molecules and proteins and the hair follicles, and they're gonna connect the dots." "And then yöu're gonna be busted." "Carl,I don't wanna do any of this anymore." "I want a common-law divorce." "yöu wanna give me back the ring that I made for yöu in metal shop?" "Yeah,I do." "Okay,yöu know what?" "I'll tell yöu when this relationship's over, because there's a lot of girls there sitting on the bench that wanna come into this game,all right?" "So I am canceling this relationship,okay?" " Please come back to me,Angie." " Oh,my God!" "Wait,wait!" "Hold on,hold on,please!" "I wanna say goodbye to yöu proper,okay?" "We owe that to one another." "Can we please have a quickie in the car?" " What?" " What's wrong with yöu?" "yöu know what?" "I'm not gonna be here for yöu when Kate kicks yöu out." "So deal with that." "My girl rocks?" "My girl does not rock,okay?" "My girl is a divorced." "So I hope yöu got Kleenex, 'cause yöu just said goodbye to the coolest thing that ever happened to yöu." "I'm gonna bang yöur friends." "Consider them all banged." "The reason I called yöu collect is 'cause it's gonna take more than a few quarters to express how I feel about yöu,baby." "Hey,where yöu going?" "I knew something was up when I saw yöu beating yöur baby bump like that." "It wasn't supposed to happen like this." "Everything just got way out of hand." "I think I'm just gonna split." "That's a good idea." "Just slip away in the dead of night and leave Kate thinking yöu stole the baby." "That would destroy her." "This ain't some little scam where yöu just call up Domino's and be like," ""Yo. yöu know,I'm doing some church yöuth event." "I need 10 free pizzas."" "Why,does that work?" "yöu're lying about the existence of a human being." "If yöu don't tell her,yöu'll never be able to live with yöurself." "Maybe yöu can tell her after I'm gone." "I'll tell yöu what I'm gonna do." "Not a damn thing,'cause yöu're gonna tell her yöurself." "I've got a surprise for yöu." "I got a surprise for yöu,too." "It is a brochure for the Philadelphia School of Textiles." "They've got a great fashion program." "Thanks." "But that's not the whole surprise." "Open it." "I'm giving yöu yöur check early." "No,Kate." "I can't take that. yöu gotta put that through the agency." "No,it's not gonna bounce." "Don't yöu trust me?" "Where are we going?" "yöu have an ultrasound appointment." "What?" "No." "Today's Thursday." "Ultrasound isn't Thursday." "Birthing class is Thursday." "Usually,but yöu're 18 weeks,and so yöu have another ultrasound." "I can't wait." "I hope the baby's in a good position,so we can see its little profile, because I'd really like to get one of those printouts to hang over my desk." "Do yöu think it could look like me yet?" "Could the baby look like yöu at 18 weeks?" "What if it has little tiny glasses?" "I'm joking." "That's me trying to make a joke." " That's cold." " Sorry about that." "Just... lf..." "When yöu get mad,do yöu stay mad for a long time?" "Yes,yes." "I'm a big grudge-holder,actually." " Hear that?" " What?" "That's yöur heartbeat. yöu nervous?" "Yeah,a little." "Okay,I'm just..." "Just having a little trouble finding... yöu're gonna have a lot of trouble." "Kate,I gotta tell yöu something." "I'm not really..." "There's the baby's heartbeat." " I'm not really..." "What?" " Isn't it wonderful?" "Holy shit!" " There's a baby in there?" " Yep!" " How did it get in there?" " It's a miracle." "What did yöu wanna tell me?" "I'm so excited." "Yay!" "What do yöu mean,pregnant?" "I thought yöu was lying to Kate." "I was." "I am." "It's not Kate's baby." "It's Carl's." "So the procedure thing..." "Didn't take." "And then I was crying,so Carl and I did it." "And it's just country." "I missed a couple periods, and I thought maybe it was my hormones,yöu know what I'm talking about?" "No,I don't know nothing about that." "But then I started spotting,and I thought that was my period, but usually I don't have a heavy flow." "Stop it." "My boobs didn't hurt,so I was like,"It's not my period..."" "yöu know what?" "Look,I'm just gonna lay it out,all right?" "I'm not discussing the lady business with yöu." "I mean,I think it's a beautiful thing and all that, but it's disgusting,okay?" "And I'm afraid if we keep talking about it, that our cycles might synchronize..." "What am I supposed to do,Oscar?" "I can't cash that check." "I can't take any of Kate's money." "But I am gonna stay here until I figure out what to do." "I don't know anything about being a mother." "yöu better start learning." "It's good if the kid's raised here,though,yöu know?" "Better school,better apartment,better situation." "Is that what yöu want?" "No,I wanna keep it." "Have yöu read this?" ""One in four million babies are born with a full set of teeth."" "Angie,it's gonna be fine." "Where yöu going?" "I have a date with that guy,Rob." "Are yöu gonna tell him about me?" "No." "I've made that mistake before." "It turns out they don't like it when yöu talk about the successful transfer of embryos on the first date." "Read the chapter about hermaphrodites. yöu won't sleep for a week." "Hello,folks,my name is Chet." "I'm yöur waiter." "Are yöu folks familiar with the raw food vegan movement?" " Yeah." " I think he is,more than I am." "Yeah,yeah." "Okay,should we start with some appetizers?" "Yeah." "How's the sea kelp pizza?" "That's got a nice earthy taste,little bit of a dirt taste." "It's very nice." "Salty." "We'll stay away from that." "yöu know what looks good is the blue algae?" " yöu wanna just..." " Yes,yes." "Excellent." "Be right back." "So what kind of law did yöu practice?" "Corporate. yöu know when yöu're watching the news, and yöu see some bloated CEO involved in a scandal, and yöu kind of wonder to yöurself," ""How is this prick not going straight to jail?"" "Sometimes it was because of me." "yöu must be very proud." "All right,here's yöur blue-green algae and a yeast bowl for the table." " Thank yöu." " Thanks." "This looks good." " Oh,it's warm." " Yeah." "What about yöu?" "yöu like yöur work?" "I do,but I mean," "I have other things in my life besides my job." "I like to travel for work." "Oh,that's a..." "That's a good yeast." "Very yeasty." "How long have yöu been vegan?" "I'm not." "I'm sorry." "I'm not,I thought that yöu were, and that's why I took yöu here." "Because of where yöu work,I never would have..." "Oh,God." " Can we..." "Yeah,yöu want to..." " I eat meat." "Yeah,I eat meat like nobody's business." "I'll have a large steak with provolone,no Cheez Whiz,no onions, peppers on the side,don't overcook the meat." "Also,I'd like yöu to slice me a new fresh roll, because those ones have been sitting out for a long time." "I want a Birch Beer,cold,no cup." "yöu really should consider changing those Styrofoam cups to paper ones, because they're very bad for the environment." "Yeah,I'll have the same." "I'm sorry." "I'm a little overly thorough." "Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling." "No,that's just prejudice." "They call yöu bossy and controlling 'cause yöu're a woman." "But if yöu were a man doing the same stuff,yöu'd just be a dick." "What?" "Nothing." "No one's ever called me a dick before on a date." "Term of endearment." "So listen,there's something that I haven't told yöu." "And it may be a deal-breaker." "Oh,boy,yöu are super fruity,aren't yöu?" "No." "But I do have a daughter." "She's 12 years old and she lives with me every other weekend." "I think that's great." "Yeah?" "Okay. yöu have any kids?" "I've never been married." "Well,Kate, yöu don't have to be married to have a kid." "Do yöu want to go back to my..." "Yes." "I was going to say apartment,just to be clear." "Yeah." "I'm 37." "I know how this works." " Okay." " Let's go." "It's actually this way." "Okay." " 1406." " Yeah." "Oh,no." "No,no,no." "Look who just got inducted into the walk of shame." "Why are yöu all shiny like a soul food cook?" "I want yöu,now, to look yöur partner in the eye,and I want yöu to tell her she is beautiful." "yöu are beautiful." "Tell her,"yöu are strong."" "yöu are strong." "Tell her,"Thank yöu for giving me this baby."" "Thank yöu for giving me this baby." " Are yöu crying?" " No." "I am." "I'm crying a little bit." "All right." "Romaine,Cheyenne,time to go." "We have a playdate with Wingspan and Banjo." "Those kids would have got their asses handed to them in my neighborhood." "My sister wants to know what kind of cake yöu want for the shower." "Kate,I don't think I should go to that,yöu know?" "I mean,that's just kind of for yöu." "No,it's for both of us." "My mother wants to meet yöu and make yöu feel weird." "Excuse me." "Yes." "Barry,hi." "No,I'm pulling into the construction site right now." "Think I went to a rave here once." "Please,I asked yöu to wait in the car." "It's too hot in there, and yöur weirdo air conditioning,I don't know how to work it." " Barry,I'm sorry." " Kate,where yöu been?" "I'm having second thoughts about this location." "Is it the taxes?" "It's probably because this place gives yöu a weird vibe,right?" "Yes." "That one." "I'm not getting good vibes here." "And if there's one thing Oprah taught me, it's to trust my instincts and follow my fear." "Is that the episode where she got her ears pierced?" "No,this was at her home in Maui." "Who are yöu?" "I'm Angie." "She works for me." "She's very intuitive." "I read people's energies." " yöu read energies?" " Yeah." "Good." "Very good." "How's the energy in this site?" "Green,mostly." "Like healthy leaves." "Money?" "Exactly." "I like yöur maid." "So do I." "Let me put my hands into yöur hands, and I'll whisper to yöu the secret of success." "So,are we back on?" "We were never off." "What did he say?" "The secret of success." "And?" "He said "Have a big penis."" " No,he didn't." " Yeah,he did." "Oh,my God!" "Oh,my God." "Look!" "Wait." " Is that the face?" " I think." "That was a big one!" "Oh,my God." "What does it feel like?" "Like if yöu ate a meatball sandwich, then that meatball sandwich was kicking yöu." "I think I gotta tell Rob about yöu and the baby." "What?" "Why?" "Well,we've been going out for a month, and I didn't think it would turn into anything, but it sort of is." "I don't think that's a good idea." "yöu know,he may break up with yöu." "Yeah,but the longer I wait,the weirder it's gonna be." "It's gonna be weird no matter what." "He'll know I'm hiding something." "I'm the worst liar." "Okay,tell me three things about yöurself and make one of them a lie." "Okay." "I'm from Pennsylvania," "I am a Leo,and I am 5'9"." "I don't want to..." "This is why I can't lie to him." "yöu're not lying to him, yöu're just not telling him the truth,there's a big difference." "Is there?" "I don't know." "Don't ask me." "# Don't speak I can't even take it. #" "# And I don't need no reason. #" "Hi." "I'm Rob." "I'm here to pick up Kate." "Oh!" "Sorry,I'm a little early." "I was just in the neighborhood,so..." "Do come in." "Hello,I'm Angela." "Okay." "I'm Kate's sister,so..." "We are in the same family." "And I was just practicing the ancient Japanese art of karaoke." " Karaoke?" " Yes." "yöu delightful..." "Hello." "Oh,well." "I can see how she likes yöu so much." "Kate?" " yöu live here?" " No, no." "I live in New York City in a pied-terre apartment with a husband that I have." "Wow,so yöu're just kind of visiting here,or..." "He's in the stock market." "So we go from city to city,visiting other stock markets." "And that's how we roll." "It's funny,'cause yöu guys don't look alike at all." "Oh,well." " Different dads?" " Yes." "We have different dads." "That's what we have." "We have different dads." "Thank yöu for that." "Is that my phone?" "I didn't actually hear..." "It was." "Hold on,it's from Europe." "Hello?" "Yes,interesting." "It's a business call." "So nice to meet yöu." " What?" " Yes." "What?" "How long did he talk to yöu?" "Hi." "Look at yöu,early bird." "Okay,it's nice to see yöu." "Oh,my gosh,well,let's go." "Yeah." "Does yöur sister want to come with us?" "No,she's not well." " Bye,Angela." " Adios." "Push,woman." "Yeah,good." "Push,and boom!" "Congratulations." "Look." "Popcorn." "See?" "It's that easy." "What movie we watching?" "Extreme Vaginal Delivery." "The miracle of really big childbirth." "Oh,damn!" "yöu can't come back from that." "That's why yöu always want to stay over here,huh?" " It's one of the reasons." " Well, how long is yöur sister in town?" "Angie's not really my sister." "I know." "She's yöur half-sister." "She told me." "What else did Angela tell yöu?" "Well, she told me that yöu like me a lot." "Well,she's a liar." "She's a known liar." "What is this?" "Jillian wants me to take her to an exhibit of abnormal skulls at the Minster Museum." "Do yöu need me to get out of here?" "No,no." "No,I was gonna see if yöu wanted to come." "yöu want me to meet yöur daughter?" "Is that a bad idea?" "No." "I really,really like kids." " Oh,my God." " Oh,I know." "Have yöu read this article?" "This Chaffee Backnell lady." " Bicknell." " She is a piece of work." "I mean,her whole surrogacy process is very science-fictiony." "There's so many kids that need to be adopted." "Well,adoption can take years." "And these people would pay,like,yöu know,$50,000,in order to..." "It's $100,000,actually." "yöu know,have yöur baby custom-carried by a gestation assistant." "What is that?" "Well,I think it's probably more complicated than it seems." "A lot of rich people getting what they want." "I hate that song." "Here yöu go. yöu got it?" " Yeah,I'm good." "So,do yöu feel good about yöurself?" "yöu're just going to let Kate go ahead and have this whole baby shower,right?" "yöu don't realize how ruthless that is,right?" "Hey,man,that's a sweet cake." "That's tight." "That's tight." "Service entrance,straight to the terrace." "What am I supposed to do?" "Tell her today,in front of all of her friends and her family?" "No,no,no." "Wait till the child is,like,nine years old, and then tell her,like my first ex did me." "Okay,I'm going to tell her tonight." "Or Monday." "But then it'll ruin her week,so maybe I should wait till Friday." "Then it would ruin her weekend,so maybe I should..." "I don't know when I'm gonna tell her." "When's the best day to tell someone horrible news?" "Yesterday." "I tell yöu,a pagan birth is a fascinating thing." "yöu know,now that I've done it myself, it seems crazy not to eat the placenta." "I'm sorry,did yöu say polenta or placenta?" "Placenta,the afterbirth,yeah." "Ashley turned us onto it..." "Angie." "Hi,I'm Caroline," " Kate's sister." "Nice to meet yöu." " Hi,nice to meet yöu." "And this is our mother,Rose." "Hi,nice to meet yöu." "How do yöu do?" "So,tell me,once the baby is born, will yöu just go away,or shall I expect yöu at Christmas?" "Mom." "What?" "This is a reasonable question." "All my friends are asking." "Well,we haven't really talked about it." "No,there's not a lot of stuff we've talked about, we have a lot of stuff to talk about." "I think Angie might want to visit the baby a few times a year." "yöu know,or I might be out of town,I don't know where I'm going." "I mean,I think I've got plans,but I'll definitely call." "Summer,if we're on vacation,maybe Angie would want to come with us some time." "And who knows where we're going to be in a year?" "I think it's really important that she remain a part of the baby's life." "Yeah,yöu know,or completely separate." "We're just going to play it fast and loose, yöu know,just see how it all shakes out." "Always been my motto." " Rob?" "Hi." " Hi." "Hey,I know it's yöur sister's baby shower, just,yöu haven't called me in days." "I thought maybe I did something wrong." "No,yöu didn't do anything." "Is it because I wanted to introduce yöu to my kid?" "No,Rob,I just..." "I think yöu and I view the world differently." "Bad news people,party's over." " Start heading for the door." " Who let him in here?" "Carl,don't say something stupid." "Oh,She hasn't told yöu." "I thought since yöu guys were best friends, she probably told yöu everything." " Shut yöur mouth,Carl." " What is going on?" "She's not even pregnant,okay?" "I mean,look." "Angie what is that?" "Feel it." " It's moving." " Yeah,it's a baby." "And it's yöurs." "What are yöu saying?" "Kate," "I really tried to make yöu a baby,I swear." "What are yöu saying?" "We took a test as soon as we got home,and the procedure didn't work." "And I was real,yöu know,horny,because of all the hormones." "So we did it." "I felt like a failure." "And Carl told me yöu were going to get somebody else." "Those hormones can also give yöu a false negative." "That's why they want yöu to wait two weeks before yöu take a test." " Wait,what?" " So she might not be pregnant?" "Yo,where yöu escape from,man?" "I'm saying the baby might be Carl's,but it might still be mine." "Okay,then forget what I said." "I'm trying to play catch-up here." "So yöu get yöur sister pregnant," " but she slept with him?" " No,she's not my sister." "She's an ignorant white trash woman that I paid to carry my kid." "I deserve that." "No,yöu don't." "How could yöu do that?" "This is why I didn't call yöu back,Rob, because this is the kind of selfish,science fiction shit that yöu don't want any part of." "Well,the upside is,it looks like I might be a dad." "So if it's a boy,I want to marry yöu." "Oh,my God." "What?" "I'm so sorry about what's happened." "But I think it's best to wait until the pregnancy is far enough along for DNA testing,before we do anything drastic." "That was quite a kick." "How can yöu be pregnant?" "yöur eggs are from the '40s." "yöu're upset." "And yöu're saying hurtful things." "It's understandable." "We'll have a DNA sample sent to the lab." "The rest will be handled in family court." "Of course,if the baby turns out not to be yöurs,we'll waive our fees." "What about all the background checks?" "Passed." "With flying colors." "yöu were living with her,and yöu didn't notice anything." "She fooled us,Kate." "She fooled us all." "I fooled myself." "I booked yöu a room here,until we sort this out." "So yöu're done with me,now,is that it?" "yöu don't need me anymore?" "Gonna try to find some other lowlife yöu can use to give yöu everything yöu ever wanted?" "I'm not gonna do this." "yöu know,yöu think yöu're better than me..." "I am certain that I am better than yöu." "Okay,we're being honest now?" "Here's one." "I can have a baby,and yöu can't." "And that drives yöu crazy." "Get out of my car." "yöur stupid space car's locked me in." "Don't touch it when I'm touching it." "Just open it!" "Yeah,yöu bang on the door,that's how yöu open it." "Well,yöu can't even find the stupid..." "Raised by wolves!" "Tell me how to open it!" "Stop touching it,and I will open it." "It is open now." "Good." "Look,buddy,yöu don't have to sell me on the product,I'm already in." "Here's what I'm asking." "Do yöu have a discount policy if yöu're related to one of the girls that's gone wild?" "Enjoy it,Kate." "This is yöur baby." "I'm going to go hide this shell somewhere in the store." "Hey." "Can I get an Orange yöu Glad I Didn't Say Banana?" "All right." "Holbrook v. Ostrowiski." "Present." "I take it this is a paternity case." "Actually,it's a maternity case,yöur Honor." "Katherine Holbrook hired this woman to be her surrogate, now we're not sure whose egg this is in here." "What are yöu doing here?" "Angie needed some legal help,so I'm helping." "And yöu are?" "I'm Rob Ackerman, formerly with the firm Swanson and Weisberg." "Formerly?" " Yeah,now he makes fruit smoothies." "yöu mean like Jamba Juice?" "Yes,yöur Honor,it's exactly like Jamba Juice." "'Cause I love Jamba Juice." "Yeah." "Who doesn't?" "yöu don't need a lawyer, yöu know,we're just here to read some results." "But I know that I have the right to a lawyer." "Objection." "And yöu are?" "Carl Loomis,yöur Highness." "I'm here to seek joint custody of that fetus." "yöur Honor,this dummy used to be my husband." "Did yöu provide a DNA sample,Mr. Loomis?" "Uh-huh." "What's that now?" "Did yöu give someone a hair follicle or a vial of yöur blood?" "No." "Not as it pertains to this case." "All right,then yöu're going to have to take a seat." "And if yöu disrupt the proceedings again," "I'll ask the bailiff to escort yöu out." "Not scared of her." "May I have the lab results,please?" "Okay,I would like to testify on behalf of the prosecution." "There is no prosecution." "Aye,aye,sir." "If yöu insist, yöu can make a statement and have it entered on the record." " No,no,that's not necessary." " No,I insist." "I would like to say something." "I'm sorry." "I never should have listened to Carl." "I should have done the right thing." "I just..." "This whole thing made yöu feel so happy." "And it made me feel so important." "I should have told yöu the truth." "And I'm sorry I didn't." "I was just scared." "I also want to thank yöu." "I didn't like it sometimes,but yöu made me grow up." "I know I was supposed to help yöu have a baby." "But yöu ended up teaching me how to be a mother." "So thank yöu." "And I'm sorry." "She'd be a great mom,yöur Honor." "Kid wouldn't get away with shit." "Let's watch the language,please." "Freedom of speech,look it up,it's in the thing..." "What Ms. Ostrowiski is trying to say,yöur Honor, is that what she did was wrong." "It was extremely wrong." "Cool it,yöu're my lawyer." "And one of these lies,that's so easy to spin out of control." "This guy,Carl Loomis,he lied to Angie." "And then Angie lied to Kate,and Kate lied to me, and it was a mistake." "I mean,it was a..." "It's a mess,this is all a..." "It's a mess." "This is a real mess." "That's the worst closing argument I've ever heard." "Yeah,I know." "I know." "I'm a little rusty." "Kate." "I just never wanted to come back into a courtroom ever again." "And I came here for yöu." "Thank yöu." "I rest my case." "yöu Honor,I think we are more than ready for yöu to read the results." "Let the record show that the DNA test indicates that Ms. Holbrook is not the mother of this child." "Okay to get home?" "Of course." "Yeah." "I remember the day I found out I was going to have a kid." "Wow." "I'll never take it for granted again." "Well,I'd still like to meet that kid some time." "I'll give yöu a call. yöu come by the store." "Okay,I'll definitely come by." "Okay." "I'm sorry,Kate." "It's okay." "I just threw up." "yöu look nice in a suit,by the way." "Angie." "Hey." "So,I guess I'll see yöu later?" "Probably not,actually." "Right." "I've been off Dr.Pepper for two weeks." "This is water." "Good for yöu." "Thanks." "Angie,I think yöur water broke." "Wait,what?" "yöur water is breaking." "I got to get a bus to take me to the hospital." "Let me drive yöu,I'll drive yöu." "Okay,hold this." " I'm not due for three weeks." " I know." "Should we clean that up?" "No,somebody else will get that." "This is really happening,isn't it?" "This is really happening." "It's so weird,'cause I feel totally calm." " Come on,it feels like I'm shitting a knife." " Okay." "Why won't yöu bitches help me?" "Just breathe." "Okay,I'll take it from here." "I want to go with her." "Are yöu family?" "She's my sister." "Well,okay." "Oh,God,holy..." "This way." "Sorry,sorry." " Give me some drugs." "Give me this. - yöu don't need drugs." " I want those drugs." " No." "yöu'll never get me,pig!" "Get out of my way!" "Oh,God!" "Angie!" "Is that guy dead?" "Is he dead?" "We need some olive oil to rub on my taint." "It's too late." "It's too late." "Okay,this is gonna go great." "Yeah." "Kate." "It's twins." "Gross." "I don't know what yöu're crying about." "I gotta walk out of here alone." "That's a good joke,Dr. Manheim." "Okay." "Okay,and give me a big one." "Big one!" "Whoa!" "Nothing." "Okay." "All right,ready?" "Kate,I'm so glad yöu're here." "yöu don't look good,by the way." "I feel a little dizzy." " Okay." " Okay,and give me a big one." "Big one." "Whoa." "Good morning." " Hi." " How are yöu feeling?" "Embarrassed." "I fainted in the delivery room." "Well,Oscar's bringing yöu a change of clothes, and Mom is here,in case yöu die." "Great." "And somebody else wants to say hi." "Hey." "It's embarrassing." "I'm scared yöur friend,Angie,has me on speed dial." "She called me,like,10 times to get down here and take care of yöu." " Me,too." " How is she?" "How is the baby?" "Great,she's just..." "She's beautiful." "It's a girl." "Got a smile..." " Good morning." " Hello." "Hi." "Hi,there." "Hi." "Could I have a moment alone with Kate,please?" "Sure." "I'm going to go check on Mom." "Hi." "How can I help yöu?" "Hi." "Well,we got yöur blood work back." "yöu are slightly anemic,which explains the fainting." "But there's something else yöu need to know." "yöu're pregnant." "That's impossible." "I paid a man thousands of dollars to tell me that that's impossible." "Well,yöu're only about eight weeks along,but yöu are definitely pregnant." "He said the chances were one in a million." "Well,I'd start buying lottery tickets,if I were yöu." "Wait a minute." "Congrats." "Rob." " I'm pregnant." " What?" "I'm pregnant." "yöu okay?" "Oh,my God." "Hi." "Can I see her?" "She's gorgeous." "What's her name?" "This is Stef." "Stephanie,that's beautiful." "No,Stefani." "Like Gwen Stefani." "Even better." "Hello." "Are yöu waking up?" "So,yöu're pregnant." "How'd yöu know that?" "I can read people's energies." "Plus,yöur sister told me." ""Happy birthday to yöu" "Happy birthday,dear Stefani" "Happy birthday to yöu"" ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "Copyright from SI Media" "Hey,Angie." "Are yöu two still together?" "No,we're not together." "He's just trying to be a better father,take some parenting classes." "He just started." "I see yöu." "yöu think yöu're funny,punk?" "What'd I tell yöu about hiding from me?" "Quit hiding from me. yöu think yöu're funny?" "Hello." "This is a gasoline-powered mini-Ninja motorcycle." "Oh,my God,Carl." "yöu bought a motorcycle for a one-year-old?" " That is crazy." " Really crazy." "That's exactly what she wanted!" "Yay!" "That's great." "Kate,let me give yöur baby my mojo." "Well,time is love." "Got to run." "Whoa!" "I love this episode." "Copyright from SI Media"