"?" "I used to be ?" "?" "the one I didn't want ?" "?" "I need to do ?" "?" "the thing I always wanted ?" "?" "Just let me ?" "?" "I know I might be wrong ?" "?" "Please don't tell me who's right ?" "?" "I know today it's gonna be different ?" "?" "I know today I'm gonna make a dent ?" "?" "It's been too long ?" "?" "I know it's got to change ?" "?" "It's gonna change ?" "?" "It's gonna fuckirchange ?" "?" "I know today I won't give up this fight ?" "?" "I know today don't wanna lose this war ?" "?" "It's been too long ?" "?" "I know it's got to change ?" "?" "It's gonna change ?" "?" "It's gonna fuckirchange... ?" "(CD audio) Your feminine energy emanates from your breasts." "Listen to what they're saying." "The left one says, "You're a woman."" "The right one says, "I know."" "So I get a little nervous..." "I never know what they want." "Well, you're just supposed to be yourself." "Look at that." "Your feminine energy emanates from your dome-shaped breasts." "Embrace your dome-shaped breasts." "Do you notice that she keeps staring over here?" "I know." " Don't look." " I'm not." "I loved him like no other." "But then it happened." "One night, almost as quiet as death, but there, screaming with piercing intensity." "And the rots of hell..." "Thank you." "...rose up, and I couldn't see for the horror of it all!" "Thank you!" "The blindness!" "The hopeless suffering!" "WE'RE DONE!" "Excuse me?" "You can go now." "Look at you, Mr. Cutie." "You grew about an inch, you big boy." "Yes you did, you big, big handsome fellow." " Hey, how'd it go?" " Fantastic." "That makes two of us!" "Howard was amazing." "They cast him right at the audition." "It's kind of a small part- really it's a cameo, but as they say," ""There's no small parts, just small cats."" "You're such a star." "Yes you are..." "such a star." "Say, "Yes it is!" "That's me!" "Famous Howard!"" "This cat is adorable." "Say, "Thank you, very much!"" " Thank you." " Thank you." "[Knock on door]" "Yeah." "Oh, my God!" "What's with the ouftit?" "I'm not in the mood." "I'm sorry." "That damn cat gets cast in everything." "It's not like he's taking parts away from you." "I wouldn't put it past him." "I think you need a different approach." "You know?" "Give the boobs and hoop earrings a rest." "You have something against Femme Jamie?" "Uh... is that the same as Transvestite Jamie?" "What do you know about it, anyway?" "You don't even have your own career figured out." "Sorry." "What are you up to today?" "Lookir for work." "What kinds of stuff are you looking for?" "Anything." "That's good." "Howard and I have another audition today." "Yeah?" "It's an independent film." "It's really character-driven." "Howard's going for one of the parts in the street alley cat gang." "They actually have a pretty big part in the film." "They're sort of, you know, running around the alley, screeching, jumping into garbage cans, stuff like that." "Dear God, please bless me with a role in the street alley cat gang." "I think it'll be really good for his reel." "He has a reel?" "Of course." "Don't you?" "No." "Let me show it to you." "Just one second." "Right now?" "Unless you're busy." "Are you doing something else?" "No, that's fine." "It's a little outdated." "[Music plays over video]" "So what do I need to do?" "Huh?" "My approach." "I know you have ideas about it." "Oh." "Well..." "OK, I think you should go to the audition looking like yourself." "I came all the way down here for you to just tell me that?" "You could hang out with me." "Fine." "This 'be yourself' shit - you know what - it's really cliche and stupid." "No, it's simple and it's brilliant." "It's bad dating advice - that's what it is." "Whers the last time you had a date?" "Well, whers the last time you had a date?" "Fine." "What are you chewing on?" "That's not cute, Howard." "It doesn't mean that you're talented just because you can slobber on some fake flowers." "I mean, anyone can slobber on fake flowers." "I can do that." "You know, cast me in a fuckir commercial and I'll slobber on some fake flowers!" "I can slobber on whatever you want me to." "Right?" "Just 'cause you're a cat doesn't mean that you deserve like special treatment, right?" "That you can do certain things and you can get cast in certain roles that I can't get cast in " "Huh?" "Right?" "That's what I'm talkir 'bout." "Right, Howard?" "Yeah." "You better watch out," "Mr. "I'm More Successful Than You,"" "because I saw your reel." "Yeah." "Butch Jamie is gonna kick your ass." " Jamie, is that you?" " Yeah, I'm on the phone." "Yeah, cool." "So, um, I'll call you later." "Bye." "Cats." "Hey..." "I'm here to audition." "All right." "Sign in the book there, please." "OK." "Do you guys have a bathroom somewhere?" "Excuse me?" "You're in the wrong restroom." "Are you talkir to me?" " Oh..." " Yeah." "I just thought that..." "I know what you thought." "Now do you mind?" "'Cause I'm trying to go to the bathroom." "Thanks." "Bitch." "I'm gonna start near the end, so it's really short." "You don't need to cut me off or anything." "Sure, no problem." "But then it happened." "One night, almost as quiet as death... yet there, screaming with piecing intensity." "And the rots of hell rose up and I couldn't see, for the horror of it all." "The blindness..." "The hopeless suffering." "That's... it." "That's the end." "Thank you." " Hey." " Hi." " I'm Andi." " Hey, Andi." "Can I help you with something?" " Are you Lola?" " No." "I have a date with Lola." " You do?" " Yes." " Are you sure?" " Yes." "Does she know that you're a woman?" "Yeah." "And you have a date with her?" "Can I come in?" "Yeah, uh, sure." "I was just..." "surprised, I guess." "Do you mind telling her that I'm here?" "Uh, yeah." "Sorry." "Lola, your, uh... date's here." "Be out in a minute." "She'll be right back." "So, uh, did somebody set you guys up?" "We met online." "Online..." "That's funny." "What's so funny about it?" "You know, 'online dating'." "I don't see what's so funny." "Well, it's funny in America." "You want a beer?" " No." " You sure?" "Not all Germans drink beer." "I know, I just thought all lesbians did." "I don't drink." "That's cool." "Lola, you almost ready?" "You're ready finally?" " Sorry to keep you waiting." " It's OK." "It's nice to meet you." "Shall we go?" "Please." " Oh, have you met Howard?" " No, I didn't." "This... is Howard." "Hi, Howard." "How did you get such an adorable little name?" "I named him after Howard the Duck." "Who's Howard the Duck?" "It's this movie where the main character is a duck..." "But he's a cat." "Right, but when he was a kitty, he used to make these little duck noises." "Aw, that's so cute." " Good morning." " Morning." "How was your date with the German alcoholic?" "What did you call her?" "Well, she told me she didn't drink, so I assumed she was recovering or something." "It went really well." "Really?" "Yes, it did." "She seemed a little, uh, you know... mean." "She's different." "That's one way to put it." "Anyway, we're going out again tonight." "So, how come you never told me you dated women?" "I don't know." "It never came up." "You found plenty of opportunities to tell me about Howard." "That's different." "So, what - you're like, gay or something?" "You find that so hard to believe?" "Yeah." "I mean, you just look really straight." "And what does straight look like?" "Not gay." "Well, I'm not gay." "I'm bisexual." "Same thing." "No, it isn't." "Half the time." "Yeah, I've heard that one before." "Anyway, her name's Andi." "Yeah, I know." "She doesn't go by German alcoholic." "Hmm..." "She should rethink that." "[Knock on door]" "Come on in." "Hi." "Thanks for responding and coming on in." "Thanks for calling me back." " Francine." " Jamie." "I'm Dan." "Nice to meet you." "Please take a seat." "Jamie, when Dan and I ask someone to come in for a callback, usually we ask you to read from the script." "But in this case, we've decided to go ahead and offer you the role of Steve." "Dan, why don't you tell Jamie a little bit about the character of Steve?" "Steve's a funny character - goofy, but adorable." "Kind of like a teddy bear." "Yeah, a real teddy bearish kind of character." " Excuse me." " Yes." "You mean Steve, like Stevie?" "Stevie?" "Yeah, you know, like Stevie Nicks?" "No, he would just go by Steve." "So..." "Steve's a man?" "Yes, he is a man." "But I'm a woman." "We're aware of that." "We think your acting ability is strong enough to carry this role, even though it might at first seem a bit..." "unconventional." "Right." "Um..." "look " "I know that I might be new when it comes to Hollywood, but you can't tell me that people actually do this." "First of all, this isn't Hollywood." "This is a small, independent film." "I'm sure there were plenty of guys at that audition." "As a small, independent film, we have to make choices because of budget constraints." "Frankly, in this case, we've splurged a bit on cast members and we have to cut corners someplace." "Out of the inexperienced, non-working, least expensive actors, there was a very limited pool." "I see..." "So, I'm cheap." "Well, you're more than just that." "Right." "I'm the best of the cheapies." "We think you're very talented." "As you know, there are many actors that are willing to work for free." "You expect me to work for free?" "We were wondering whether you'd consider deferred payment- payment upon the film's release and distribution." "I can't believe this." "We wouldn't have selected you for the role if we felt you couldn't handle it." "I mean, I know I can handle it." "I'd be the best male Steve in all of Los Angeles." "But, uh..." "I'm not doing it." "I mean, I know I'm no leading lady, OK." "But this..." "Anyway, thank you for having me." " Thanks for coming in." " Thank you." "She'll be back." " Hey." " Hey." "Can I get your opinion on this?" "Sure." "Which one of these do you like the best?" "I'm updating Howard's head shot." "Something like this, I feel like is sort of a romantic gaze." "Something like this is almost like a dying on the battlefield, kind of death throes sort of situation." "Yeah." "And then you have something like this one here where a suggestion of a toilet in the background sort of would be good if he was doing like a kitty litter commercial or something." "Yeah..." "Yeah, that works." "Mm hmm." "I think I like the fluffy one the best." "What do you think?" "Yeah." "I think, uh - you know, fluffy's good." "But not too fluffy." "No." "Not too fluffy." "You don't want that." "What do you think, honey?" "You like the fluffy one?" "Huh?" "You like the fluffy one?" "Hey, so how'd your callback go?" "It was really shitty." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's OK." "I'm getting used to things being that way." "Well, I'm sure something good will come along soon." "Well, maybe I should just get a cat actor, you know, and live vicariously through him." "I wasrt..." "I wasrt saying that that's what you do or anything." "I was just, um..." "I was just saying that that's what I could do." "It seemed like a good idea." "Anyway..." "I thought it was a good idea." "Hey." "How'd it go?" "You know what..." "I'm not going to let it bother me." "It's over, it's done with." "What?" "So, uh..." "Howard got new head shots." "That's funny, right?" "You want that back?" "Lola told me that she named him after Howard the Duck because he used to make duck noises." " Clever." " Yeah." "It's really..." "I think she hates me, anyway." "She probably does." "Yeah." "Thanks, man." "You just take some to get used to." "Well, have you noticed what I'm doing?" "I've put my bitterness on a shelf, right?" "And I've replaced the space that it used to occupy with a genuine interest in other people, other animals - all that sort of stuff." "Are you seeing a shrink?" "You know what?" "This city is really fucked up." "Did you know that?" "That's why there's so many fake people in L.A." "Because everybody really hates their life, right?" "And they have to pretend to love everybody and everything just so they don't friggir curl up in a ball and die." "Dude, what happened?" "They wanted me to play a man." "What?" "It's not funny." "I'm sorry." "It's not funny." "No, it's not funny." "David, it's not funny." "Oh, Jamie, come on." "What's the big deal?" "You performed drag for like three years." "That has nothing to do with this." "Are you kidding?" "You loved it." "That was different." "How?" "Don't be an idiot." "Take the part." "So, what we're concerned about is that Male Jamie can put this on his resume, but Female Jamie can't." "Hmm." "OK." "Well..." "Yeah, but, who cares?" "I mean, I guess I don't really get it." "I mean, why is it such a big deal if anybody knows?" "Would "Top Gun" be the same movie if everyone knew that Tom Cruise was a woman?" "Well, that would be pretty hot." "OK." "Basically, I'm going to be blunt with you." "This is a scam." "It's harmless." "It's of the Milli Vanilli variety." "Sure, it's not a big deal that you're not really a man, but it is a big deal if we pretend that you are." "And if right now we go and tell everyone," ""This is a woman playing a man,"" "then all the publicity becomes about that." "This film never gets its proper review." "Well, you might get more publicity from it." "Ms. Klein, we've made up our minds about this." "Jamie, can I be frank with you?" "Yeah." "I don't have to tell you how extremely difficult it is to get work in this town." "And there is the phenomenon of one job leading to another job, whether that's as Male Jamie, or as Male Jamie's very good friend, Female Jamie." "All right." "Well, I'm in between lawyers right now, so I'll just sign it." "Wonderful." "Now, no nude scenes." "Hey, man, what's up?" "Nothir." "Cool." "OK, so tell me about restroom etiquette." "You know, like... do you greet guys when you enter it?" "Maybe a nod?" "I don't know." "That's good, that's good." "And how does that work?" "Like, is it kind of a general, overall to everybody at once?" "Or is it kind of like - this guy, this guy, this guy?" "I don't think you actually think about it when you're nodding." "So kind of like improv, right?" "Yeah, improv." "Improv the nod." "So, what kinds of things do guys say to each other?" "I think you should just be yourself." "You know?" "But with a beard." "Yeah." "You and this whole 'yourself' shit." "Well, it got you a part." "Yeah, as a man, not as me." "Well, maybe that's what they saw in you." "Yeah, OK." "You're not helping." "Check these out." "Yeah?" "Nice pecs, huh?" "Yeah." "You been workir out?" "Yeah, a little bit." "Here and there, you know." "Do what I can." "Check this out." "Yeah." "I'm a real man." "Areal man." "OK, Real Man..." "talk to me." "Hey, what's up, man?" "Yeah, that shit's wack." "Yeah, totally." "Yeah." "Yeah, I banged her." "Yeah, five times." "She was good." "I was better." "You know what I'm talkir about." "(CD audio) A lot of people wonder what makes penises so special." "Well, I will tell you." "Penises talk." "Your masculine energy protrudes from your penis." "Listen closely to what it's saying " ""I'm large and in charge." "Say it with me, together now " "I'm large and in charge." "I'm large and in charge." "?" "Hey, ladies, are you ready?" "?" "That's a little much." "?" "'Cause I'm a big, lezzie, butch dyke ?" "?" "with a nice set of balls ?" "?" "A nice set of balls ?" "?" "Now you can look, but you cannot touch ?" "?" "Testosterone ain't got nothiron these babies ?" "?" "These are genuine 100% cotton ?" "?" "'Cause I'm a big, lezzie, butch dyke ?" "?" "with a nice set of balls ?" "?" "A nice set of balls... ?" "?" "Hey, ladies, you ready?" "?" "?" "You better be ready ?" "?" "A nice set of balls ?" "And, action!" "Why'd you even come here?" "You're right!" "I shouldn't have!" "Fine!" "Just walk away like you always do!" "Cut!" "Can we get something for him to stand on?" "A box or something?" "Great." "That was great, guys." "We're going to do it again, but this time after she says," ""just walk away," I want you to come toward her and kiss her." "Um, that's..." "that's not in the script." "It's going to add something to the scene." "It's lacking something, and I think what it needs is to relieve the sexual tension between you two." "You think there's sexual tension?" "Because I thought we were more like pals, you know." "Excuse us for a second." "I sense some resistance." "I can't kiss her." "Why?" "Because she's a woman?" "No, because I am." "She doesn't know that." "Well, that's unethical..." "probably." "And I mean, yeah, who wouldn't want to kiss her, but..." "Jamie, when you walk onto the film set in the morning, who do you walk on as?" "Male Jamie." "And who does everyone here think you are?" "Male Jamie." "And what role does Male Jamie play in this film?" "Are these questions gonna get harder?" "Male Steve." "Just simply Steve." "There's no Female Steve, right?" "So, it's just simply Steve." "Fine." "Steve." "When you come onto the set in the morning," "Female Jamie doesn't exist." "She doesn't exist for any of these people, and she shouldn't exist for you." "But she does exist for me." "I mean, that is me." "But not while you're here." "Just like Male Jamie doesn't exist for Steve." "And of all things and all people that could possibly exist for Steve but shouldn't, the one who is furthest from him, is Female Jamie." "Besides, look at her." "She's a good piece of ass." "She is a good piece of ass." "You know, normally I would be offended by that comment - usually, being a woman myself, but I think in this case - I'll let it slide." "Jamie... kiss her." "Yes, sir." "Great, thank you." "Here... stand on this." "Let's see you up on the next step." "Yeah, that's too much." "Back down on the first step, please." "That'll work." "Let's roll!" "Take two." "And - action!" "Why did you even come here?" "You're right!" "I shouldn't have!" "Fine!" "Just walk away like you always do!" "Fine!" "Just walk away like you always do." "Cut!" "Let's cut it!" "What the hell was that?" "Well, the ladder was a little restrictive." "We're fixing the ladder." "I'm more concerned about you." "Why'd you kiss her like that?" "Like what?" "Like you kiss a stuffed animal?" "I was being a gentleman." "Steve's not a gentleman." "He's ruthless, lusty, brash, impulsive..." "I thought you said he was a teddy bear." "We made some script changes." "Now, I want you to go over there, grab her, and kiss her like you mean it." "Yes, sir." "You don't need to call me sir." "We're not in the military." "Here, step on these." "Looks good." "Let's roll." "Take three." "[No audio] Piece of ass." "And - action!" "Why did you even come here?" "You're right!" "I shouldn't have!" "Fine!" "Just walk away like you always do!" " Sorry." " It's OK." "Hey, dude." "What's up?" "Not much." "What's up with you?" "I banged her." "Who?" "Um... her." "Nice." "I think short guys are hot." "What about, um, guys with paint cans on their shoes?" "It's a close second." "I'm Jill." "Hey." "Jamie." "You wanna get out of the sun?" " Let's go sit in the shade." " Sure." "It's really just a shame that he's so short, is really the problem." "Well, we've gotta work with what we've got " "Paint cans, step ladders..." "Corn again?" "It is a shoddy production." "You get what you pay for." "I'm definitely not getting paid." "What are you on - the high-carb diet?" "Oh, I'm a vegetarian." "Really?" "I never met a guy who was a vegetarian before." "There are guys that are vegetarians." "I know there are, but I've never met one." "Only lesbians." "That's just a stereotype." "I mean, there's lots of people, I'm sure, who are vegetarians that aren't lesbians." " Yeah, like hippies." " Exactly." "Anyway, I think it's really hot." "Vegetarians?" "Yeah, that you're a straight-man vegetarian." "That's really hot." " Short vegetarians?" " Even hotter." "[Humming, singing]" "What'd you do - get laid last night?" "What?" "I've never seen you so cheerful." "No, I didn't get laid..." "But I see somebody did." "I'm just gonna..." "Excuse me." "I see you and Howard have finally bonded." "No, I'm just, uh..." "I'm trying to make him feel better." "I performed my monologue for him last night, and I think he's having second thoughts about his career." "Is that true, Howard?" "Are you jealous of Auntie Jamie?" "Is it all right if I show Andi Howard's reel?" "No, that's fine." "I feel for you, man." "I'm not a man." "OK." "You really gotta tell them to get some better vegetarian options." "Yeah, it's pretty bad." "This chickers pretty good." "You sure you don't want any?" "No, thanks." "I'm good." "How long have you been veg?" "About nine years." "I started when I went to college." "And where'd you go to college?" "Um..." "I went to, um..." "Smith College." "It's on the east coast." "Yeah, I know where that is." "I thought that was a womers college." "Yeah, um..." "It's kind of a funny story, actually." "My mom sent my application in because they got this really good engineering program." "And since my name's Jamie, which can be either male or female, go figure, they accepted me." " What?" " Yeah." "And since they got this really good scholarship program, my mom wanted me to go even after we found out that it was only women." "Jamie, that's crazy!" "What'd they say when you got there?" "They just thought I was a really butch lesbian." "OK, well that last part I made up, but the rest is true." "The school had me enrolled, so they let me stay." "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard." "Yeah." "You're just full of surprises, aren't you." "What happened to the engineering thing?" "Oh, that didn't last too long." "I ended up studying Theater." "Engineering to Theater?" "Your mom must've been pretty pissed about that one." "Yeah, she was." "Serves her right for making me go to a girl's school." "I bet you loved it." "Yeah, I did." "Maybe that's why you're so sensitive, you know?" "You think I'm sensitive?" "I mean, any guy who goes to a womers college for four years and studies Theater while he gives up steak and lunch meat " "I'd say that's some real sensitivity." "Howard, it's Catsup Cat Food time!" "Hey." "How's it goir?" "Hey!" "Did you find work?" "Yeah, I guess I didn't tell you." "I'm in this movie." "Just as an extra, but it's pretty cool." "Cool!" "So I've been working on Howard's new schtick - you wanna see it?" "He has a schtick?" "Yeah, he has this audition for a cat food commercial for this company called Catsup Cat Food." "Cat soup?" "No, Catsup, like Cat Supper." "And it's spelled like how some people spell ketchup." "What's this schtick he does?" "Well, I just go like this." "Howard, it's Catsup Cat Food time!" "He just always comes running when I open up a can of food or when he smells it, so I just kind of put that line in to make it seem like he understood what I was saying." "I just thought it was kind of cute." "Yeah, it's, uh - cute." "You hate it." "No, of course not." "It's adorable." "Howard the Duck eats ketchup cat food." "Oooh, look at that boy." "Dude... that's a girl." "Oh..." "He could be trans." "So you have a thing for tranny boys, do you?" "I wouldn't rule them out." "Remind me to never introduce you to Male Jamie." "So you think you're that cute, huh?" "I don't know." "I don't like guys." "But this girl Jill seems to like him." "Oh, no." "I think I'm gonna ask her out." "Jamie, don't." "Well, I think she's going to ask me out soon." "And I feel like I should be a man and do it first." "I thought girls didn't even ask guys out on dates, anyway." "Maybe you're thinking of when you were growing up." "Like in the 50s or something." "What?" "Anyway..." "We've got great chemistry, you know?" "And it's been over three years since I've really dated anybody." "That's no excuse." "It's not an excuse - it's an explanation." "Besides, I could be just what she needs." "A good man is hard to find." "He certainly is - when he's wearing an Ace bandage and a dildo." "I don't wear a dildo." "You don't pack?" "Well, I have a sock." "A sock?" "Yeah." "I mean..." "I don't own a dildo." "None of my girlfriends really appreciated it." "Well, I don't think your straight girlfriend is going to appreciate any of this." "We can date without having sex." "What about the simple fact that she thinks you're a dude and you're totally bullshitting her?" "I'm not bullshitting her." "Well, then you're bullshitting yourself." "So there's this great vegetarian restaurant on Sunset." "We should check it out this weekend." "Is that a question?" "It's an offer... hopefully one you can't refuse." "Is it a date?" "It's whatever you want it to be." "'Cause I don't, um, date people that I work with." "You're so adorable." "Your skirs so soft." "Dars looking at us." "So?" "We're on break." "Fine." "I guess I'll have to wait for our non-date then." "So, what's your suggestion with the flowers?" "I mean, it was kind of emasculating for her to ask me out - especially since I was like," ""Oh, I don't date people I work with."" "Of course I couldn't convince her of that girly bullshit." "So I thought the flowers would be kind of a way to say like," ""Hey, baby, I'm the man here."" "Yeah, I don't know about that." "You're no help." "Well, I've never been on a heterosexual date either." "Hey." "Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "What's up?" "Um... you're bisexual, right?" "Yes." "Uh, so... that means you date men and women." "Mm hmm." "Probably straight men and lesbian women, right?" "Mostly." "OK." "So, tell me, how is it different - dating a man and dating a woman?" "Well, it's different in a lot of ways." "Why?" "Um..." "I'm writing a script." " Really?" " Yeah." "So tell me how your expectations are different." "Well..." "I don't know." "It depends on the person." "Typical bisexual answer." "It does." "I mean, my expectations vary depending on who I'm with and why I'm with that person." "Yeah, well, I mean, isn't there some sort of general theme or idea?" "Well, let's see..." "With men it's like..." "This is kind of intimate to talk about." "We don't have to." "What's your script about?" "Well, it's still in the beginning stages and everything, but it's about this lesbian who gets cast as a man in a film." "Oh, kind of like "Tootsie," but in reverse." "Yeah, I guess so." "Well, let me see if I can help you." "With men it's like gender roles are more non-negotiable." "So some guys want to wear the pants, and some guys want you to wear the pants, so to speak." "But it's always one way or the other." "Right." "But with women it's like... and it depends on the person of course, but... sometimes there's this certain silent negotiation, moment to moment about, you know, who's on top and who's on the bottom." "And it can change, depending on the situation." "So I feel like gender roles in lesbian relationships... are more fluid." "Hmm." "Interesting." "[Knocking on door]" " Hey." " Hey." "Thanks." "I have some open." "Do you want a glass?" "Uh... sure." "Come on in." "Thanks." "Make yourself comfortable." "I'm gonna put those flowers in water." "Sure." "So tell me..." "What makes you want to be an actor?" "I don't know." "I guess it's just some sort of compulsion I have to be someone I'm not." "But I think we have the capacity to be almost anyone, don't you think?" "Um..." "I don't know." "I guess." "I used to date a lot of actors." "I stopped a while ago." "They're always kind of obnoxious." "But you seem different." "You're a little shy... in a mysterious, thrilling kind of way." "I shouldn't be saying this." "No, it's fine." "I know there are certain rules, I guess, that you're supposed to follow on a first date." "Like what?" "I don't know." "Like... don't scare your date off by calling him thrilling and mysterious." "Howard!" "It's Catsup Cat Food time!" "Aw, that's so adorable." "Hey, guys, what's up?" "Hey!" "Jamie's writing a script." "Did she tell you?" "So?" "Everyone in Los Angeles is." "And Andi's an actor also." "They let you act with that accent?" "Do you think there could be a part for Howard in it?" "Maybe he could be a cat actor." "Oh, my God!" "Isn't that brilliant?" "It's not that brilliant." "[Phone rings]" "I'll be right back." "Your girlfriend gives good dating advice." "Don't ever use it on her, or you'll be in trouble." "OK." "So you brought wine?" "Yeah, what's wrong with that?" "Because when you show up with wine, it's like saying - let's not go out, let's stay in and fuck." "Lola told me there werert any rules." "It's not a rule;" "it's common sense." "Well, we didn't fuck." "I hope not." "But we did have a good time." "Oh, Jamie..." "Besides - gender is fluid, sexuality is negotiable." "You have no fucking clue what you're talking about." "She's not dating me anyway." "She's dating Male Jamie." "OK, so what does Female Jamie get out of this?" "Not much, I guess." "So if you're not dating her for any sort of intellectual or emotional connection..." "Why would I want that?" "Exactly." "Then if you're not dating her for the sex, then why?" "I don't know." " Why are you doing this?" " I don't know." "So you completely lack of any sort of self-awareness?" "David, I don't know." "OK?" "We have fun together." "She flatters me." "She makes me feel like I'm so sweet and adorable." "This Female Jamie can be such an asshole sometimes, but this Male Jamie guy is more sensitive." "So you're in love with Male Jamie?" "No, I'm not in love with him." "But it's just..." "It's nice having someone else in love with him, you know?" "So what?" "I mean, why can't I just experiment for a while?" "Live through the eyes of an unjaded, short, straight-man vegetarian who lets his women call all the shots?" "Because this is not a role in a movie." "This is your life." "Well, my life sucks, OK?" "And she makes it better." "We re-wrote scene ten." "OK." "I'm supposed to sing?" "Yeah, but it's no big deal." "We'll dub it in later." "With someone else's voice, I hope." "Yeah, probably." "But when we shoot it," "I want you to really do it so it looks real." "That shit never looks real anyway." "OK, Jamie... whenever you're ready, go ahead." "You can do this." "[Singing poorly] I'd go over..." "Whoa, whoa, Jamie." "Easy there." "Let's bring it down." "OK." "I'd go over the mountain, I'd go over the hill," "I'd go through the valley just to give you a thrill..." "Jamie..." "Better?" "So, this is it - my apartment." " It's cute." " Yeah." "Do you live alone?" "My roommate's in Palm Springs with her girlfriend." "Your roommate's a lesbian?" " Bisexual." " Same thing." "Not really..." "You want something to drink?" "I want you." "What is that?" "Uh... nothing." "Do you have something on your chest?" "I thought I felt something." "Um, it's..." "You do, don't you?" "Why won't you let me see this?" "...a bump or a thing that, uh..." "Oh, my God." "What is that?" "Did you just have surgery or something?" "Yeah." "Yeah, um..." "I just " "I didn't want you to worry about me or anything." "Well, what's wrong with you?" "It's... it's not a big deal." "Well, what is it?" "Is it a heart transplant or something?" " Yeah." " It is?" "!" "It's one of those, uh, raccoon hearts, you know." "They got this technology now - a raccoon heart..." "Yeah, I'm familiar." "OK." "And so that's what it is." "Raccoon heart, buried in my chest." "It's pretty good, but..." "How long ago did you have this done?" "I think like four weeks." "I'm so sorry." "Don't be." "I'm fine, you know." "Raccoon heart's holdir up." "This is probably why you didn't want to have sex with me." "Well, you know, we just started seeing each other." "Yeah, but guys are always trying to get in a girl's pants on the first date." "You wanted me to try to, uh, get in your pants?" "Well, I wouldn't have minded." "Well, um..." "I want to." "I just, you know, I'm takir it easy." "Right." "Sorry." "Does it hurt?" "It's not bad." "Listen, uh, it's getting late." "We should call it a night." "Yeah, of course." "You need your rest." "Yeah." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God." "Yeah, um..." "I'll walk you out." "Is that your girlfriend?" "No..." "We're roommates." "Lola..." "Right, Lola?" "Uh, roommates?" "Right?" " You're lying to me." " Jill, I'm not lying." "She was surprised when she came in." "I don't know why." "Um... for some reason." "But, uh - you know what..." "I'm gonna go, I'll talk to her, make sure she's OK, and I'm gonna find out why." "I'll let you know." "OK, so... it won't be long." "I'm just gonna hop out, hop in, just, you know - talk to her." "So... it'll just be a minute." "[Knock on door]" " What?" " Can I come in?" "If you drop that voice." "I didn't think you'd be home this early." "Apparently not." "Look, I know this must seem weird to you and everything, but, um, see..." "it's not what it looks like." "Jamie, it's none of my business." "You just startled me, that's all." "She's... bisexual." "Like you." "You know how it is, right?" "And, um... you know, sometimes we like to spice things up." "That's probably more than I needed to know." "Listen..." "Could you just..." "do me a really small favor?" "Could you go out there and tell her that you're my roommate?" "Because" " I don't know - she thinks that we're dating." "Fine." "And I'm gonna keep the voice." "Because, um, it upsets her when I look like this and I sound like a woman." "OK." "OK, great." "Coming?" "She, uh - wanted to tell you something." "I'm her roommate." "His." "Right - his." "It's just a habit." "Yeah, not really a habit, just a one-time thing." "Anyway, nice meeting you." "So... there you go." "What's wrong with her?" "What do you mean?" "Well, when she came out she was weird, and when she came home... why did she react like that?" "She's got problems." "You know, uh, mental problems." "Yeah, she has a fear of intimacy or something." "Is she in therapy?" "Five days a week." "How do you live with someone so unstable?" "It's a challenge." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's a real challenge." "It's been tough." "Wow." "What are you gonna do?" "I don't know." "All right." "Well..." "Good luck with that whole thing." "Yeah, thank you." "Kinda weird." "Yeah." "You know, what are you gonna do?" "Roommates" " I don't know." " See you tomorrow?" " Yes." "Good night." "Yep..." "Good night." "So you never told me you had a girlfriend." "Must've not come up." "You had to have your reasons for not saying anything." "Maybe I didn't want you to be jealous." "Yeah." "Cute." "I'm surprised you'd even date a bisexual." "And what's wrong with bisexuals, Lola?" "Nothing." "But you just seem really black and white in your thinking..." "Like everyone's got to be either straight or gay, butch or femme - stuff like that." "If that's your way of asking if we take turns on top, the answer's no." "It's just all about sex for you, isn't it, Jamie?" "Well, not that it's any of your business, but she and I have taken a vow of chastity..." "Oh, please." "...in an attempt to achieve a genuine emotional and intellectual connection." "Is that why you guys make out with you dressed like a man?" "Well, we got to keep the excitement going somehow." "Well, whatever it is you guys do, it doesn't change the fact that you have these rigid categories for people." "No, I don't." "Like with Andi..." "It's always German alcoholic, that girl, online girlfriend." "There's nothing untrue about any of those nicknames." "Why don't you like her?" "Why do I have to?" "You don't." "Well, if you want my advice, I think that you should leave her and go for someone less offensive." "She's not offensive." "And if you're looking to talk German with someone, you can always talk to me." "You know, I'm not as American as I look." "I do schpreken ze deutch." "[Speaking German]" "Ah, you schpreken ze deutch." "Yah." "Yah." "Dada klappah squeeze me turtle?" "Nein." "That was good - very good." "What's that mean?" "Fuck to your mother or something?" "Yeah, something like that." "Hey!" "Just a little, uh, jumpy today." "So how's your psycho roommate?" "She's still psycho..." "Still my roommate." "If you're looking for a way out there's plenty of room at my place." "But, um" " I love her..." "you know..." "Crazy as she is, she's..." "really good." "Do you love me?" "OK, so it's not a question I'm supposed to ask." "I get it." "This is still new, Jill." "I know." "I mean, we don't really know each other that well." "I know." "There's things that I haven't told you, and probably things that you haven't told me." "Forget it." "Do you believe in truth?" "What?" "I mean, let's say that somebody believes something is true, but it's not." "But they're happy that way." "I mean, don't you think that their happiness is more important than the truth?" "Well, I think real happiness is only possible through truth." " Really?" " Yeah." "I mean, if something's not true, you know it." "Somewhere deep down in your psyche, beneath the memory of your birth, you know it." "[Knock on door]" "I'll get it." "What does it mean when someone says," ""Und kuss mich, du trottel"?" "Who said that to you?" " No one..." " What's going on here?" "[Speaking German]" "I'm not as stupid as I look!" "I know!" "You're supposed to say you don't look stupid." "What does that mean?" "I don't even know what that means!" "I think it means don't bother calling." "Do you think you could be an adult for" "ONE FUCKING MINUTE?" "!" "Go away." "Can I come in?" "Do you not understand what I mean when I say go away?" "Lola, I'm sorry." "This isn't a joke, Jamie." "My girlfriend was fucking yelling the shit out of me the whole time, and all you can do is make jokes!" "I didn't know what was going on." "It shouldn't have been that hard to figure out." "I didn't know that sentence has power to kill people." "I mean, what is it - some sort of Nazi thing?" " Oh, Jamie." " What?" "Maybe when you're mature enough to handle it, I'll tell you." "Well, that could be a while." "Probably never." "[Knock on door]" "Come in." " Hey." " Hey." "Thanks." "Let's sit down." "I want to talk to you about something." "OK." "Jill..." "Do you believe in truth?" "What did you hear?" "Did somebody tell you something about me?" " No." " Oh, good." "Is there something that I should know?" "No, it's nothing, really." "Really?" "We all have our secrets." "You know, stupid little things." "Right." "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." "You did hear something, didn't you?" "Well, whatever you heard, it's not true." "What would I have heard?" "You know." "No, I don't." "It's really not a big deal, OK?" "It's just that..." "I've never dated before." "I've never dated a man before." "Dated, or dated a man?" "A man, specifically." "I'm an ex-lesbian." "I used to dyke it out." "I've been going to de-gaying meetings every Thursday for two years, and you're the first man" "I've had feelings for." "And I know that with time, we can have a healthy relationship." "Whatever problems we have now, I'll take the blame for them." "I don't know how heterosexual life works, but I'm willing to learn and have you teach me." "Listen, Jill..." " Jamie, please." " No, listen." "I gotta say something." "You've got to stop going to those meetings." "You're never gonna be happy like this." "Dick makes me happy." "What?" "I like dick." "Dick makes me happy." "Lesbians don't like dick." "Right." "Um, Jill, I don't think we can continue to..." "You're breaking up with me." "No, I..." "No, I'm not." "I don't believe this." "Look, it's not you." "It's - it's me." "Don't give me that fucking bullshit." "Well, it's, um..." "it's both of us." "Fuck you." " Jill..." " Don't touch me." "Jill, listen..." "Don't fucking touch me!" "I want to be with you, OK?" "It's just I'm not equipped to meet certain criteria..." "You men are all the same!" "A bunch of selfish, fucking assholes!" " Jill, I'm not..." " Just get out!" " Jill, I'm not a man!" " Get out!" "Jill, look..." "This isn't real, okay?" "Look, look!" "It's not real, it's fake!" "Get out!" "Get the fuck out!" "Get out of here!" "Fuck!" "[Knock on door]" "I just need to, uh, get my thing." "I'm sorry." "My boyfriend has a fucking pussy." "?" "Hey now, I'm walkiraway ?" "?" "I'm walkiraway from you ?" "?" "Hey now, you see me walkiraway ?" "?" "But it's the last thing I wanna do ?" "?" "I know I ain't perfect ?" "?" "I ain't no saint ?" "?" "I've been a long time confused ?" "?" "But I'm trying to find my way... ?" "?" "I know you can't forgive ?" "?" "I know you can't see ?" "?" "But I'm not the only one ?" "?" "who's been making believe ?" "?" "We've both been making believe ?" "You know, I accidentally broke Lola and her girlfriend up." "Lola's gay?" "Bisexual." "Well, same thing." "No." "It's not." "I feel like I can't do anything right, you know?" "Like the whole thing with Jill." "Wait... who's Jill?" "Jill..." "The ex-lesbian." "Why do I talk to you?" "Because you're a terrible listener." "Oh, OK." "So, you don't talk, David, so how can I listen if you don't talk?" "Oh, so I'm boring." "That's great." "You're not boring." "You're wonderful." "You know that." "And some cute gay boy - or tranny boy, whoever - is gonna be very lucky when he finds you." " OK." " All right." "No, thanks." "You wanna watch Howard's reel?" "Do you miss her..." "Andi?" "Not really." "You know, I could call her if you want to explain what a stupid asshole I am." "Don't worry about it." "Whers Howard's Catsup audition?" "Right now." "You're not going?" "He feels like staying home today." "Did he tell you that?" "I could take him to the audition." "You don't have to do that." "I know, but I want to." "He worked so hard on his schtick." "Come here." "Dear God, please let Mommy trust Jamie to bring me to the audition." "Who could say no to that cute little face." "So what do I do with him at the audition?" "Oh, he'll know what to do." "Well, what if he doesn't?" "He'll hear the can open, run over, smell it, and eat it." "Don't worry about it." "He'll lead, you follow." "All right." "It's really sweet of you to do this." "No problem." "Well, hurry up." "I don't want you to be late." "Good luck." "?" "I don't want to be a loser ?" "?" "I don't want to be a nerd ?" "?" "You can make a difference ?" "?" "Only if you want it ?" "?" "I just want to push the starter ?" "?" "I just want to pay my dues ?" "?" "I am not a failed actor ?" "?" "I won't have the blues ?" "?" "I just want to make up for my faults ?" "?" "I'm gonna make it right ?" "?" "You can make a difference ?" "?" "Only if you fight ?" "?" "I just want to push the starter ?" "?" "I just want to pay my dues ?" "Name?" "Howard." "And the cat's name?" "His name's Howard." "I'm Jamie." "Well, there's a bowl of cat food..." "Let's see what he can do." "Sure." "Come on, little guy." "OK." "That's right." "Howard..." "Howard?" "It's Catsup Cat Food time!" "All right, I'm gonna count to three." "You're gonna go over there and eat the food, OK?" "You ready for this?" "I'll say "Catsup Cat Food" and then you go." "One... ready?" "Two..." "Three!" "It's Catsup Cat Food time!" "Woo!" "Howard, it's Catsup Cat Food time!" ""Oh, yay, let me go!" "Let me go!" "Woo, hoo!" "Oh, my God, my favorite!" "I love Catsup Cat Food!" "Gimme some!" "By the handful." "Mmm." "He loves Catsup..." "Oh, at home, he eats it all the time." "It's his favorite." "See?" "Don't eat so much, Howard." "That's good, Howard." "Let me try some." "Mmm, look how good this is." "This is great!" "Mmm, this is great." "Great choice, great choice." "How'd it go?" "The food was dry." "Oh, no." "I did everything I could, you know?" "I did the whole schtick thing with him, then..." "He wouldn't walk over there, right?" "So I tried to make him walk over there, but then he wouldn't eat it, so I just " "I made us look like complete idiots." "It's OK." "No, it's not OK." "It was really sweet of you to take him... and then to try everything you could to make Howard look good." "It means a lot to me." "Thank you for taking him." "You're welcome." "Am I?" "Well, what do you mean?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I don't mean I'll take him again, if that's what you're wondering." "Yeah, I'll have to call you back, OK?" "Hey there." "My name's Glen." " Nice to meet you." " Have a seat." "All right." "So, how's Howard doing?" "He's great." "Ever since that audition, he can't stop eating that food." "He loves it." "Well, good." "Glad to hear it." "So, let me tell you a little bit about why I called you in." "I'm producing a film with another company - a mockumentary about cat actors called "Me-owtta Here"." "Huh?" "Like "meow," and "me - outta here" as in," ""Get me out of here," put together." "So, "Me-owtta Here"." "OK." "You know what a mockumentary is?" "Yeah." "Like a fake documentary." "Right." "Usually a funny one." "So we're casting cats and people who work well together, and we'd like to hire you guys as a team." "Really?" "Yeah." "You guys crack me up." "You know, um..." "Howard doesn't really do much." "I know." "That's why it's so funny." "And you - you're really funny as well." "Because I don't do much either?" " So?" " We're in!" "Howard and I have top billing!" "Jamie, that's great!" "Yeah." "Did you hear that, Howard?" "You're going to have a starring role." "Well, co-star." "Right." "Co-star." "Jamie, I'm excited for you." "So let's go out, let's celebrate." "All right." "You want to go out for dinner?" " Um..." " You're not hungry?" "No, I am." " Let me just get dressed." " All right, cool." "How long have you and Howard been at this whole thing?" "About two years." "I used to want to act myself, but..." "But what?" "I didn't think I was pretty enough." " That's total bullshit." " Really?" "Yeah, you know, why do they have to always cast beautiful people in things when they don't have any talent?" "Right." "Not to say that you're not beautiful." "That's - that's not what I meant." "You don't have to say that." "Really, Lola." "I was saying just saying that more about myself." "But..." "you really are beautiful." "So, how's Jill?" "We broke up." "Oh, I'm sorry." "She's straight - or trying to be, I guess." "So the whole man thing was kind of important to her." "Yeah, that whole thing." "It's kind of funny " "You know the script that I told you I was writing?" "Of course." "Well..." "I'm not really writing anything." "I'm legally bound to this confidentiality bullshit, but I know you're not gonna tell anybody about it." "The plot I told you, about how the lesbian got cast as a man in a film - well, it happened to me." "And I just wanted your advice with some stuff, so I asked you some questions." "And Jill was on set, she became interested in me, and I just..." "I didn't stop it soon enough." "Wait..." "She really thought you were a man?" "Just for like a few weeks." "That's intense." "You think that makes me an asshole?" " No." " Really?" "Afool, maybe, but not an asshole." "So I'm just stupid, not mean, right?" "Yeah, I guess you could say that." "OK, so you think I'm stupid?" "No, I think you're funny." "Well, thanks again for dinner." "You're welcome." " Good night." " Good night." "I was just gonna get a glass of water." "Sure." "Well, good night again." "Good night." "See you in the morning." "[Knock on door]" "Yeah?" "Is Howard in here?" "There he is." "I guess he can stay in here with you." "You could join us." "OK." "She'll be back." "Yeah." "OK... she's outta here." "She-owtta here!" "Hey, you get it?" "You get it, Howard?" "Come on!" "You get it?" "She-OWTTA HERE!" "OK..." "OK, you don't get it."