"Tessa:" "Somewhere between the senior slump and the freshman 15, there exists a window... a window to travel outside your comfort zone and to try new things." "For me, that meant..." "[ Cheering ] ..." "A house party two towns over, thrown by some college kid home on break." "For Lisa, that meant going to the house party in a bed sheet designed to look like a toga." "I... told you." "Okay." "So I guess it's not required at all college parties." "Or maybe these killas just don't know what time it is." "I think we should go." "I mean, everyone here can vote." "Half of them can legally drink." "What are they gonna want to talk to us about?" "Come on, guys." "We are traveling outside our comfort zones." "We're meeting new people." "Oh, my God!" "I love that toga!" "You are hilarious!" "I love you." "I love you, too." "Let me show you to my friends." "Oh." "Yeah, I..." "I'm..." "I'm not officially allowed to vote, but I'm pretty sure I'm a libertarian." "Let's dance." "[ Indistinct conversations ]" "[ Up-tempo music plays ]" "I miss my comfort zone." "Man:" "Can a man and woman survive alone in the wilderness naked and afraid?" "I sure hope they don't get trench foot again, 'cause I will full-on yarf up this crazy fried rice." "Hey, mommy." "I thought you had plans with the KKK." "Yeah, but Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha wanted to eat Greek at Natalie's, and there's no wi-fi there." "Why do you need wi-fi to eat..." "I don't like being places where I don't know how many "likes" I'm getting." "I like to see my "likes."" "And when I can't, I don't like it." "Uh, I can't help but notice you've become very preoccupied with your "likes."" "I like "likes."" "But you can't hug a "like,"" "and a "like" won't put its arm around you when the cold wind blows." "'Cause a "like" doesn't have arms." "Neither does crazy fried rice." "No, it does not." "But it does have pineapple, which is crazy." "Alih Jey: ♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪" "Suburgatory 3x07" " I'm Just That Not That Into Me - Original air date March 12, 2014" "♪ Da, da, da, da ♪" "Dalia:" "Okay." "I'd put in my time standing awkwardly in the doorway, and I think it was now fair to say this party wasn't my steez." "Mark:" "This party isn't my steez." "What was that?" "I'd rather pull a Van Gogh and slice my ear off than listen to the brainless chatter that's echoing through this room." "I think I'm gonna call it a night." "I'm gonna call it a night, too." "Yeah, that's a lot better than standing here..." "Both:" "Watching that tanorexic girl make drunk history." "[ Chuckles ] Uh, I'm Tessa." " Mark." " I'm from Chatswin." " Ryebrook." " Or as I like to call it..." "Both:" "The worst place in the whole entire world." "Did we just become best friends?" ""Step Brothers," the best movie of 2008." "Despite Roger Ebert only giving it 21/2 stars." "Yeah, what's his problem?" ""Child 2" wasn't any better than "Problem Child 1."" "I can't believe they made three of those movies." "[ Gasps ]" "Oh!" "My, I think I'm sensing a love connection." "There's no "D" in "Gran Torino."" "[ Both gasp ]" "What's the deal with you and Malik?" "Are you guys exclusive or what?" "Oh, Malik and I are really secure as a couple." "I've always told Malik, I told him," ""you can do whatever you want to do"" ""as long as you can look at yourself"" ""in the mirror and be okay."" " Okay." " Okay?" "!" "♪ You look so good ♪" "♪ I wish I could, but that just ♪" "♪ Ain't my type of hype, baby ♪" "♪ Me and you was crazy cool ♪" "But it wasn't okay, and something told Lisa that if she didn't make a move, her relationship with Malik would end up like kid 'n play's... over." "Mommy, I just "liked" something I really didn't like." "What?" "!" "Why?" "Because I didn't want to seem like a hater even though I hate her." "Well, what did you like that you didn't like?" "A picture of Tessa." "She met a cute guy at a party last night." "I see." "Well, it just so happens you're about to meet a cute boy, too." "Last night, after our conversation," "I made an appointment with a well-respected matchmaking service called It's Just Yogurt." "I don't want yogurt." "I want a boyfriend." "No, but this is for a boyfriend." "See, they casually set you up with an eligible bachelor, and y'all two grab a yogurt, and if you don't like him, well, hey, at least you got a yogurt out of it." "But we have yogurt." "I think the yogurt part is throwing you." "Honestly, it's not about yogurt." "You'll see." "Oh, hey, Lisa." "Tessa's actually not here." "I..." "I'm here to see you." "Oh." "Uh, can I get you something to drink?" "No, thank you." "[ Sighs ]" "Very temperate weather we've been having." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And how are all your favorite sports teams doing?" "They're fine, thank you." "And why do you think your marriage failed?" "Excuse... excuse me?" "You married young, for love." "That's fair to surmise." "Uh..." "I..." "I suppose that's surmisable." "And yet, it was a huge disaster." "Why?" "Who said it was a huge disaster?" "Did Tessa say that?" "No." "But surmisable, right?" "I mean..." "look around." "Okay, what is this about?" "Besides making me feel bad." "I just..." "I just need some advice from someone who's been there, you know?" "This is a big decision, and I don't want to take it lightly." "I want to do my research." "Okay, what big decision are we talking about here?" "I've decided to ask Malik to marry me." "Is that slang for going to the prom or something?" "No." "That's slang for being life partners for as long as we both shall live... and beyond, for all eternity, in perpetuity, throughout this universe and any others." "Okay." "I guess I just don't see what the big rush is." "You know, all eternity isn't going anywhere." "Yes, but Malik is." "We both are." "We're going to college next year, and... you should see the way some of these college girls act, Mr. Altman." "They are all over his fine ass." "No, mnh-mnh." "I need to lock this whole thing down now while Malik is still at his low introductory rate before his whole situation skyrockets." "Okay, uh..." "I..." "I'm just spit-balling here, but, uh, what if you put his... fine ass on layaway?" "That was a metaphor, Mr. Altman." "Right." "You sure I can't get you some lemonade?" "Look, I don't want to overpromise, but I am literally a miracle worker." "Right now, the Vatican is trying to have me sainted." "[ Gasps ] Oh, my." "Do you hear that, Dalia?" "It's true." "I have single-handedly found love for more people than eHarmony, Okay-Whatever," "Tinder, Grouper, it's just cappuccino combined." "So all I need to know from you beautiful ladies is exactly what you're looking for in a man, and I guarantee I will find you true love, but read your contracts, because true love is not guaranteed." " I don't want true love." " Even better." "I just want a really cute boy to rub in Tessa Altman's face." "I don't know who that bitch is, but I hate her already." "He should be anywhere between 6'2 " and 6'21/2", brunette but blond as a child, strong cheekbones with a weak chin that quivers when he cries, but he never cries." "Overly arched eyebrows are a plus." "His relaxed face should look like he's tasting a gross lemon." "He should be cut, in both senses of the word." "Slight curve to my left, if possible." "Devout Buddhist." "Okay." "I love it." "You have given me so much to work with." "You're welcome." "That's great." "What about you, darling?" "What are you looking for in a man?" "Oh, I don't know." "Whatever you think is best." "Well, what's best is whatever your heart desires." "So what does it desire?" "Tell me." "Um..." "Dalia had a good answer." " She did." " Thanks, mommy." "Um..." "Well, I don't know." "Just somebody good that you think would be good." "Oh, come on." "Let your imagination run wild." "Okay." "He should be super-nice." " Mm-hmm." " Or mean, maybe." "Why don't I help?" "Do you want a guy with kids?" "If he has them." "If not, he shouldn't go out and get any on my account." "Religious?" "If he believes, I will." "If he doesn't, I won't." "Wait." "What?" "My man..." "I'm open to believe in what he believes." "But he doesn't exist." "That's okay." "I don't want to put any pressure on him." "Okay." "All right." "I've seen this before." "[ Chuckles ]" "You, my dear, are a little too preoccupied with pleasing others." "That being the case," "I have the perfect person for you." "[ Gasps ] Oh, goody!" "It's you." "Me?" "I want to set you up on a date with yourself." "I think you need to get to know you so you can decide what you want." "Oh." "Okay." "So, take yourself out for a yogurt, and if you don't hit it off..." "At least I get a yogurt out of it." "Exactly!" "And just so we're clear, this does count as one of the five matches you've paid for." "Okay." "There are different standards of beauty, sure, but if you ask me, it's imperfection that's alluring." "Total symmetry is bland." "And while it may be valued above all else in a town like Chatswin, to me, that girl over there looks like she just rolled off an assembly line." "The processed hair, the synthetic tan, face full of injectables... blank stare." "I didn't even have to look." "I knew Mark was talking about Dalia because he and I were two sides of the same coin." "In fact, we were the same side of the same coin." "Do you collect coins?" " No." " Neither do I." "Oh, my God." "You're amazing." "Making out with Mark was effortless." "We both tilted our heads at the same time, didn't go crazy with the tongue." "Kind of made me wonder why I ever bothered making out with someone so different than me, like Ryan Shay, who went crazy with the tongue." "There." "I said it." "So, h... how are things at work?" "Oh, you know, living just enough for the city." "Sho' nuff." "[ Chuckles ]" "Sho' nuff?" "I hope everyone likes fig bickies." "Okay, guys, I'm..." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna cut right to the chase." "I'm worried about Lisa." "Join the club." "Meet the Captain of it." "Toot, toot!" "I feel a little bad about going behind her back." "But as a parent, I know I would want to be told." "What is it?" " Alcohol?" " Hashish?" " Has she been dexing?" " Robo-tripping?" "She on the stove-top?" "Chicken feed?" " Did someone turn her out?" " W... what... no!" "No." "None of that." "[ Clears throat ] She wants to marry Malik." "[ Both laugh ]" "Is that all?" "To hell with tea." "Where's the champagne?" " No, she's serious about it." " As she should be." "Malik's a catch." "Yeah, and let's face it..." "a little out of her league, so if she can lock that down..." "And that's a big "if."" "...She should do it right away." "Okay." "Aren't you worried at all that it'll be a disaster?" "They're kids." "What could they possibly know about making a marriage work?" "Nothing." "But what is there to know?" "Sheila and I got married at a young age, and look at us." "Wouldn't change it for the world." "Couldn't live without each other." "Well, we could." "But we wouldn't want to." "But my heart would stop beating the moment yours did." "Whereas, in my case, you know, the cardio helps." "I swim, so..." "Mine might beat a little longer." "O... okay." "Anyway." " B... back to your daughter." " Darling?" "In time, I may even learn to love again." "[ Breathes deeply ]" "You know, for the sake of the children." "The children would surely be grown." "Maybe a taller man." "I don't know." "Fair-haired for a change of pace, works in finance, has a little summer place on the island." "His name is Keith." "Are you seeing someone?" "You keep them guessing." "[ Chuckles ]" "That is the gravy in the marriage pot pie." "Oh!" "Are we having pot pie?" "It's a very simple recipe, and I will be sure to share it with Lisa." "[ Indistinct conversations ]" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Oh, leave that, please." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought you were eating alone." "I am." "[ Breathes deeply ]" "This is ridiculous." "Is it?" "Yes." "People are gonna think I'm a crazy person having a conversation with myself." "Why do you worry so much about what other people think?" "Who says I do?" "The person who knows you best... me." "I'm not sure I like your company." "I'm not sure I like your outfit." "What's wrong with my outfit?" "Steven bought this for me in Nice." "It's your least-favorite color, yet you wear it all the time anyway." "It was a gift." "What about those earrings?" "They're too heavy, and they hurt." "Is there any part of you that isn't some calculated piece of man bait?" "[ Gasps ] How dare you?" "I did not spend hours waxing my wherewithals and Ne'er-Do-Wells to be insulted by the likes of you." "You can't handle the truth." "Is that it?" "I can't handle you!" "And don't even think about following me home." "I know where you live!" "That woman is a total nightmare." "Well, that was the worst date ever." "I hate me." "Sorry, mommy." "My match was perfect." "He wants to take me to Turks and Caicos for vesakha." "Well, that's very nice, Dalia." "I'm happy for you." "I'm just a little mad at myself at the moment." "Sounds like you were a total bitch." "I was!" "I accused myself of being wrapped up in pleasing men." "I said my entire identity was nothing but a shiny jewel meant to capture a man's eye!" "I'll show me." "I don't need these man-trapping fineries." "Mommy, don't." "Please, mommy, stop." "I am gonna give myself..." "ow!" "... a make-under." "Stop!" "Dalia, I have to do this." "Mommy, you don't know what you're doing." " These high heels are coming off." " Mommy." "[ Exhales sharply ] Oh, my God." "Mommy, no." "No, mommy, don't." "[ Gasps, screams ]" " Oh, my God!" " Mom!" " Look away!" "My feet are hideous!" " Oh, my God." " Mommy!" " They're deformed from years of high-heel wearing!" "Mommy, I'm gonna throw up!" "Dalia, don't look!" " Mommy!" " No, look away!" " That's disgusting!" " Don't look!" " Mommy!" " I said don't... ohh, ohh!" "Ohh!" "[ Thud ]" "Dalia, help." "Carmen, mommy fell!" "It was great dating someone who could literally anticipate your next move." "Do you need to use the bathroom?" "I do need to use the bathroom." "But it could also be a little... not great." "Want a bite?" "We ordered the exact same thing, so, no." "I was kind of hoping that you'd get some fries so I could have some." "I was hoping the same thing about you." "Well, I'm afraid it's not great news, Ms. Royce." "You have the most severe case of Barbie foot I've ever seen." "Is it hereditary?" "No, it's cultural." "Mama had me in heels before I could walk." "[ Babbling ]" "It's just the family way, doctor." "Oh, I get it." "My family likes to complain about food." "I mean, I'm not deformed because of it, but I am unpleasant to dine with." "Oh, doctor, will I ever be able to walk in flats?" "No, you won't." "I would have to break and reset almost every bone in your foot." "It's a very costly and painful procedure." "Oh, no." "But it is outpatient." "I'll take two." "Thanks for coming." "Lisa:" "Sure, Mr. Altman." "After our last conversation," "I was worried I wouldn't be welcome, so..." "What's this?" "Grilled cheese." "I'm vegan now." "I thought you knew." "But you used to love grilled cheese." "Didn't you once tell me you'd be happy eating nothing but grilled cheese for the rest of your life?" "And now you don't..." "you don't eat it anymore." "That's weird." "What are you getting at?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "I'm..." "I'm happy to make you something else, seeing that your tastes have changed." "Well, thank you." "I guess we should just both be glad you never signed a contract stating you would only eat grilled cheese for the rest of your life." "In perpetuity." "Okay, I know an ambush when I see one." "Lisa, wait." "Just hear me out, okay?" "Like you said, I've been there." "I want you to learn from my mistakes." "When I was not much older than you," "I thought I knew what I wanted." "I thought I knew it all." "But what I didn't know was how much I didn't know." "You can't possibly know what the future holds, not at your age." "What do you want me to say?" "I..." "I want you to say that you'll think about it before you do anything rash." "Okay." "I'll think about it." "But, Mr. Altman, just so you know," "I do still like grilled cheese." "I just make it with vegan cheese." "Okay." "Well, I think we both know that's not real cheese." "It's like a million miles from real cheese." "Sex symbol, doting mom, businesswoman, chatswinite." "When we strip away our labels, strip away the ways in which we define ourselves, what's left?" "Who are we at the core?" "For Dallas, the answer was..." "[ Gasps ] ...A mousey brunette with a limp." "Hello." "Sorry." "We don't have any spare change." "Dalia, honey, it's me." "It's mommy." "Oh, my God." "Mommy, no." "You look like a New Yorker cartoon." "Huh." "Mommy, no." "You look so bad." "I miss my old mommy." "But your old mommy was only interested in pleasing men." "Therefore, she was a monster, not a mommy." "This is the new me, and my sweater may itch, my face may be patchy, my hair may be brittle, but at least I'm happy." "You don't look happy." "I'm miserable." "But I guess that's just the price I pay for being myself." "But you're not being yourself." "Yourself goes to bed with a full face of makeup, then reapplies lip gloss in the middle of the night." "Yourself got a splenectomy just to hit your goal weight." "And, sure, yourself cares about looks, but yourself also cares about other stuff." "Like what?" "Turned out, Dalia knew Dallas better than she knew herself." "Yourself started your own business the same year yourself became a single mom." "Yourself never doubted yourself before, so why is yourself doubting yourself now?" "Yourself has been a huge inspiration to me, and if you think I'm great, then you should take a look at yourself." "Except not... not right now." "You look like something Carmen snaked out of our drain." "Okay." "Three-letter word for..." "Hey." "W... where are you going?" "You're about to break up with me, which means I'm just minutes away from breaking up with you." "We're too similar." "We have all the same thoughts." "Both: "Duck Dynasty" is scripted." " Yeah." "Okay." " Okay." "You should go." "[ Bones crack ] Dallas:" "Aah!" "They say to never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes." "[ Sighs ]" "But I would add that if you're wearing the same shoes as the person you're standing next to, maybe it's time to broaden your horizons." "I thought that's what you liked about him." "I did... at first." "And then I missed being with someone who challenged me and made me try stupid things and always ordered French fries." "[ Chuckles ]" "Like Ryan." "Guess there's a reason opposites attract." "Exactly, like you and Malik." "Ebony and ivory." "[ Both chuckle ] Yeah." "You guys are a great couple." "We are." "[ Clicks tongue, exhales sharply ]" "Malik is Sasha Fierce to my Hova, and with that said..." "I want you to be my Kelly Rowland." "You lost me." "I... decided... to ask Malik to marry me." "[ Laughs ] Wow!" "Yeah." "Why?" "Because I liked it, so I'm gonna put a ring on it." "What do you think?" " Ah!" " Yeah!" "At that moment, the only thing I really could think was," ""thanks a lot, Beyoncé.""