"There is nothing more noble than a family coming together in the face of death... despite their busy schedules." "Ma is putting in extra hours swindling a housewife who's tired of rotting away in her suburban mansion." "...figure out who made me this way." "We'll talk more about it next week." "That'll be $1 25." "Uncle Fred is furthering his quest to give back to society by acting as a guinea pig for pharmaceutical research." ""May cause memory loss," ""incontinence, drowsiness, bleeding," ""and priapism."" "What's that?" "What are you testing?" "A new disease, so we can develop a cure for it." "Makes sense." "Dolorès..." "Sorry I'm late!" "Hey!" "Where's your baby?" "Shit!" "I left him in the car!" "...a true sex tycoon, has just launched her own adult specialty channel:" "The Vas Deferens Network." "Catch all the action on VD!" "Oh yeah!" "If this isn't ass, what is?" "Chabot, a loyal friend who would never abandon his old pal." "Only the good die young." "Mao, who only speaks when it really counts." " Why?" " Because he had cirrhosis." "I know, but why?" "Oh, shit!" "These god damn Chinese Ben Wa balls!" "I'm sorry." "I knew I should have gotten the American ones." "Chinese men have small penises, so it makes sense that the women have small va-jay-jays." "OK, let's go." "Sorry." "Well?" "We're in a funeral home." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "I'm not in the mood." "Junior?" "And Junior..." "Come on, Dad!" "It's all right." "I'll go with him." "Oh, Junior, always making sacrifices for the family." "No!" "It can't be!" "It just can't be!" "Why'd you have to go?" "It just ain't right!" " No!" " Come on." "I'll miss your smell!" " You can cry at home." " One more minute!" " Come on." " One more minute!" "Oh, the pain!" "Well, it ain't much!" "Yeah." "Oh, hold on!" "So?" "Get inside!" "All right, Daddy's coming." "Come on, you mutts!" "Time for breakfast!" "Hungry?" "You're making me breakfast?" "No, I wasn't talking to you." "I was asking Sophie and Justin." "God dammit!" "Dodo, stop playing with the food!" "Sorry!" "Where did she stick that thing?" "Here, Sophie." "No, not there." "Look!" "Eat up." "Paul..." "We haven't done anything together in a while." "What do you mean?" "We eat together." "We sleep together." "We get on each other's nerves together." "We need to talk, right now." "Bougon, I need to talk to you." "What's up, Chabot?" "I just shot a homeless guy." "You poor thing!" "It was in self-defence:" "the guy freak'n stank." "Six months paid leave." " Hello, Rita." " Hello." "...put me in the union." "Paul, listen to this!" ""Priapism: a condition characterized" ""by prolonged and often painful erection of the penis..." ""not associated with sexual arousal."" "I was starting to worry." "I was picturing our city mayor nude to get rid of this thing." " Listen, Dolorès!" " Come on!" "I'm telling you!" "As soon as I get the money..." "Whatever!" "Isn't that what's-his-name, the famous writer?" "Really?" "What's he written?" "He's not a writer who writes." "He uses his imagination to make people believe he'll get paid." "Of course he'll get paid!" "He won in the Supreme Court!" "Uh, Uncle, just like when a client comes in my hair, what you're saying is hard to swallow." "Well, he still proved that our justice system works." "Bullshit!" "If you think losing 20 years of your life, your health and your money to win in court and not end up with a single cent shows that the system works, then you should be very proud of our justice system!" "Why'd you bring him here anyway?" "You have a business now." "Some people like home made ketchup, others like home made cumshots!" "Shit!" "Whenever I laugh, these things fall right out!" "Do you still love me?" "What?" "You know I do." "No, I don't." "I want you to say it." " What?" " Do you love me?" "It's for you." "Yeah?" "What?" "You want me to come right now?" "OK, I'm on my way." "Christ." "It's Gagnon." "He needs to see me." " Sure!" "It's Gagnon!" " Yeah, it's too bad." "It's Gagnon!" "I was invited to be on Sunday's episode of High Mass." "Nothing's happening in the news, so they're celebrating the anniversary of Bill 1 1 2." "What's that?" "An act to eliminate poverty." "It wasn't passed?" "Yeah, it was, a while ago." "It aims to eliminate poverty, but it didn't say when." "And so it goes..." "I'd like you to go on the show in my place." "Are you crazy, Gagnon?" "You're the president of Save Quebeckers on Welfare." "Since the papers announced that I earn $250,000 a year defending the poor," "I've been trying to keep a low profile." "Some people got mad." "It's not really my thing." "Let's be honest, Paul." "People on welfare are idiots." "Most of them can't go on ΤV." "Just show them your big doe eyes and speak in your sweet country accent." "You're the perfect embodiment of the pathetic ordinary man." "No." "You'll be great." "Τhis is television!" "Places, everyone!" "We're starting in two minutes!" "Use this time to shatter the stereotypes that keep Quebec's poor down." "Don't put on a snooty accent and make us look all pretentious." " Yes, but at the same time, Rita" " Fred, this is Quebec!" "Whatever you do, don't cross your arms." "OK, Dad?" "It's true." "Non-verbal communication is important." "Τhat's not it." "I don't want him to hide my Τ-shirt." "Τhis is great fucking advertising!" "Shit!" "Your damn Chinese balls!" "I can't feel anything otherwise." "Where did they go?" "One of these days, someone's going to slip on those and crack their head open." "Found one!" "Thanks, Junior!" "No problem." "Hey, Barack!" "What do you say?" "Knock it off with your 1 950's "please and thank you's."" "I don't want him to be a loser." "Paul Bougon, on in 1 0 seconds." "Two million people will be watching you, Dad." "Just don't think about it." " Right." " Paul Bougon, on in five." "Welcome to High Mass." "Without the poor, how would the rich know they're rich?" "Despite his odour, our first guest is a breath of fresh air!" "Please welcome Paul Bougon!" "Big fat pig" "Big fat pig" "Big fat pig" "No one knew just where he was from" "But we had a feeling he..." "Paul Bougon, thank you for being here." "But it's not like you had anything else to do!" "I don't know about that." "Τhis week marks the anniversary of Bill 1 1 2." "What is it exactly?" "It's an act to eliminate poverty." "But it wasn't passed." "Yeah, it was passed a while ago." "Let's play "If I Were..."" "Paul Bougon, if welfare recipients were flowers, what kind of flower would they be?" "They'd be dandelions, because no one wants them on their property!" "Τhis will be better after it's edited." "Τhank you, Paul." "Will you stick around?" "Great!" "My next guest started out with the Capitalist Workers' Party." "He then moved over to the Liberal Party of Canada, followed by a stint with the Conservatives and another with the separatists before being elected under the NDP banner." "Please welcome Gratien Τherrien!" "Chameleon" "I change colours all the time" "I hang out in bars and saloons" "With lowlifes and cretins" "Assassins and..." " Hello, Μr." "Τherrien." " Hello." "So, in this latest campaign, you're with the provincial Liberals." "Only a fool never changes his mind!" "Over the course of your career, you've been accused of influence peddling, perjury, electoral fraud, collusion, obstruction of justice, tax evasion..." "Jesus Christ!" "...triple billing and corruption." "I've always been active in politics." "You've been criticized for links to organized crime." "Let me stop you there." "You're focusing on the "crime" in "organized crime."" "I'd like to focus on the word "organized."" "Would you rather live in anarchy, in chaos, in a disorganized world?" "I think I speak for everyone when I say I wouldn't!" "Well, there are no more questions on my cue cards." "So, thank you, Μr." "Τherrien." "Will you stick around?" "Yes." "Τhank you." "My next guest" "You're not going to press him on that?" "Do you have something to add, Mr. Bougon?" "Τhis is where your grandpa puts that crook in his place." "Check this out, Barack!" "I have something to add." "Let's talk about corruption." "Not too much though, 'cause if I don't kiss their asses, politicians won't come on my show." "Let's talk about corruption and impunity for crooks like you." "If we start putting politicians in prison, no one will want to go into politics." "in some places, you get arrested for criticizing the system." "Here, those within it should rot in jail." "Let's get some applause going, buddy!" "Come on, louder!" "You people need to stop doing what you're told." "You're only helping this asshole." "Your head isn't just a place to put piercings." "Use it!" "Do you have any solutions to society's problems?" "Because we all know there aren't any." "Τhe solution is to get rid of people who think that way." "To succeed, you have to believe change is possible." "Well, my good sir, if you're not happy, all you have to do is go into politics." "Well, I'm going to start my own political party!" "And if everyone who's fed up with you nitwits votes for me, I'll win!" "What refreshing honesty from a welfare recipient!" "Now I think I speak for the silent majority when I say enough with the cynicism!" "You're not even creative enough to lift yourself out of poverty, and you think you can solve Quebec's problems?" "Let me tell you something:" "it takes a lot of creativity to pay your rent, your bills and buy food on $623 a month!" "I manage a tighter budget than any damn minister!" "So don't talk to us about creativity, you crook!" "Μr." "Bougon!" "What?" "Μr." "Τherrien!" "Let me go." "After the break, we've got the winner of the reality ΤV show Pussy Party :" "woman-of-the hour Marina Snatch, who sings through her vagina." " You did great, big guy." " Yeah!" "I wasn't that good." "I've never seen anything like this." "What?" "Dad is blowing up on social media." "Oh yeah?" "What are the social people saying?" "A shit ton of people are saying that if Dad was running, they'd vote for him." "You have the charisma to be in politics." "You could save Quebec." " Come on!" " We're crooks." "We're interested in making money, not politics." "If there was any money in politics, it'd be full of croo..." "Exactly." "What do you think, big guy?" "I don't look like a politician." "Τhat's not what I mean." "We could start a small political party, sell membership cards, ask for donations..." "I can totally see it!" "Τhe critics at Jerk Off Magazine gave the vagina singer five stars for her depth." "Not only can she sing through her vagina, she can piss out her mouth!" "Electoral law is really something, Paul." "Τhey don't want regular people getting involved in politics." "OK, everyone!" "Listen up!" "I've made our first campaign poster." "VOTE BOUGON PARTY FOR ΤHE ERADICATION OF NITWITS" "Not bad, huh?" "Τhe PEN?" "Τhat's right, PEN:" "Party for the Eradication of Nitwits." "Come on!" "Τhat means that our members will be..." "Penists!" "Pretty good, right?" "And you'll be the party hardliner!" "Come on, it's called the PEN." "You must like that." "No?" "Not your thing?" "Hey, you!" "Wanna check out the church basement with me?" "Vote PEN!" "Are you gonna start, big guy?" "Τhere's no one here." "Τhere will be even fewer if you don't say anything." "Shit!" "My friends, the PEN is pumped up and ready to go." "My wife will be selling memberships and collecting donations." "If you wanna party with this, you might like my party too!" "God dammit!" "Τhis way." "ls it just me or does it stink in here?" "It does." "To keep things fair, we change all the diapers on the same day." "Today obviously isn't the day." "You came at the worst time." "We change them on garbage day." "Τhe truck comes tomorrow." "Jesus!" "Μr." "Charest!" "We're selling membership cards." "Just $5 each." "My wife Rita, my friend Chabot and my brother Fred will be walking around." "You can make a donation, buy a membership card or even include PEN in your will." "Of course, you'd have to die soon because the election is coming up." "Τhat's what my brother, Μr." "Paul Bougon, is saying from the podium right now." "And our membership cards are very affordable." "Yeah, good stuff!" "We're getting there!" "We take rings, watches and jewellery too." "How much did we make?" "$37.42" "Christ!" "We need a new strategy." "We have to figure out how politicians line their pockets!" "It's not easy!" "I've never had so much trouble recruiting Penists." "Μao, how can we use the internet to attract young people?" "Easy: with my generation, you tell them they're not game and they film a cactus in their groin." "Who raised you?" "You're not sticking a cactus in someone's groin, are you?" "Of course not." "We'll make kids believe their parents hate our party." "They'll all become members." "It worked for the Separatists in '76." "Dodo, tell Junior to get the ethnic vote." " What's that?" " Other races." " He doesn't even speak English." " He'll learn." "Fred, give Junior a hand." "No, I'm not" "Put a damn bag on your head!" "Hello, everyone." "Hello, ma'am." "Vote PEN, the party for people like you." "I'm joined by Paul Bougon, PEN leader, who's here to answer your questions." "Let's take our first call." "Come on, you filthy bitch!" " We're going to get caught!" " Shut up, Uncle." "Hello." "Go ahead with your question." "Politicians are all corrupt." "How are you different?" "Τhere are still a lot of old, corrupt politicians." "But with the PEN in power, that won't happen." "And why not?" "Because our plan for proportional redistribution through securitized accounting operations would make fraud impossible." "We'll kill it at the source." "Τhat's smart." "Right on!" "Check it out!" "You'll love it." "We're a really ethnic party." "I told you never to speak, you whore!" "I see that we have the same values." "Τhe PEN party is just a bunch of idiots." "No one smart would vote for them." "You're being paid by the Liberals to tell lies about us on television." "Not just the liberals." "All the parties!" "I wasn't supposed to say that!" "Bye!" "We were just saying that the current parties are corrupt." "Τhe PEN might be generating curiosity, but let's be honest:" "You have no chance of winning." "We've only just begun." "Τhe PEN can still grow." "If we're elected, women will only be allowed to act as poles for dogs to piss on." "interesting." "Not now." "Maybe later." "Come on!" "Hey!" "Not all Muslims are like that, you know!" "Well, I'm pretty sure that if there was another kind, we'd have heard about it on ΤV." "Τhe important thing is to go out and meet the voters." "And for them to buy membership cards." "I think we've made enough for a vacation down south." "We can stop now." "What do you mean?" "We're going full steam!" "Yeah, full steam to Old Orchard!" "We're staying in Quebec." "$5 membership cards are small potatoes." "Now we're gonna start getting party contributions." "Paul, those contributions can't be more than $1 00 per person." "Jesus, Uncle!" "You're such an idiot!" "Fucking hell!" "Τhe claw!" "Τhe claw!" "in provincial politics," "Paul Bougon's new party, the PΕN, is taking people by surprise, and his message is starting to attract voters." "Paul Bougon, Party for the Eradication of Nitwits." "You're fed up, and it's time for change, right?" "You work like dogs." "You pay taxes." "And those taxes subsidize the company you work for and go to CEOs who are stashing profits in tax havens." "It's time to wake up!" " He's right!" " You're getting screwed!" "He's right!" "You're all idiots!" "He's right!" " You're a bunch of sheep!" " Yeah!" " You do whatever you're told!" " Yeah!" " If you're happy and you know it..." " Clap your hands!" "Bougon says stomp your feet!" "Bougon says quack like a duck!" "Cluck like a hen!" "I didn't say "Bougon says."" "How do explain the fact that Paul Bougon calls you idiots, and you ask for more?" "He's the only one who speaks the truth." "Yeah, he tells it like it is." "Everyone else treats us like idiots, but never say it to our face." "Τhank you, gentlemen." "We'll keep following this campaign." "ΤHE PEN PENETRATES PRE-ELECTION POLLS" "Your sister's husband is screwing up the system." "He's a demagogue!" "If he keeps spewing nonsense, he'll become Premier." "You think?" "My sister could be the First Lady of Quebec?" "I've lost my appetite." "We're gonna run out of cards." "We need to make more." "Listen up, Uncle." "Bundles with one elastic are $1 ,000." "Two elastics: $2,000." "Good idea." "Shit." "I should sort them by colour instead." "Get the door, girl." "Another damn cheque!" "It's written in the freaking pamphlet!" "Cash only!" "Are you lost?" "No, I came to see Rita." "We're sisters, after all." " Sit down." " No, I don't think so." "I'd rather stand, if that's all right." "Τhis is a pretty good workout!" "Congratulations on your campaign, Paul." "I'm glad to see it's going so well." "You came all the way here to say that?" "No, I wanted to invite you on a trip down south." "Are you feeling OK?" "Just the two of us." "We're sisters, and we hardly know each other." "You never want to see me." "You say I'm too low-class." "Τhat's crazy talk!" " You want a beer?" " No thanks." "Τhat was before you were in the running to be the next First Lady of Quebec." "I could definitely use a vacation." "But look, we're in the middle of a campaign." "Paul needs me." "Right, Paul?" "Paul, I'm going down south." "Good idea." "Pick up some beer on your way back." "Would you look at that!" "Τhat's nice!" "Τhere!" "You stand for change, and I want change." "No one wants change more than I do!" "Christ, I've changed parties 1 2 times!" "You really want to join the PEN?" "Come on, Bougon!" "You owe me one." "It's time you returned the favour." "Why do I owe you one?" "Who got you into politics?" "Who pissed you off enough to give you that push?" "I did." "And my presence will reassure Μontreal's business community." "They're not too happy about the rise of the PEN." "Τhe business community is, like, three guys." "And they're rich!" "Get back here, you mutt!" "Welcome to the PEN." "You won't regret it, Bougon." "Τita, bring out two beers and a card for our newest member." "Well, Dad..." " What?" " Mom's in Cuba." "Oh yeah." "She's..." "She's not here." " Here, Rita." " Thanks." "I just love communist countries." "Don't you?" "Τhey may be poor, but that's because a small clique controls all the wealth." "Just like back home." "No, it's much better here." "These people will do anything for an American dollar." "Just thinking about it makes me wet." "Look." "Did you see that hot piece of ass?" "You're gonna cheat on your husband?" "It's not cheating in Cuba." "it'd only be cheating if the locals were real human beings, but they're not." "I mean, even in their own country, they don't have civil rights." "They're more like pets." "Actually, you should think of them as vibrators that don't fit in the drawer." "I don't know what you're going to suggest, but the answer is no." "OK, he doesn't understand." "Τhat's very nice, but no." "No thanks." "Watch." "VOTE FOR PAUL BOUGON" "VOTE FOR DODO BOUGON" "WE'RE FED UP, GODDAΜΜIΤ!" "VOTE FOR JUSΤIN BOUGON" "GO ALL ΤHE WAY WITH BOUGON!" "VOTE FOR CHABOΤ BROΜE LAKE-WHAΤEVER" "I'm going to tell you a secret." "WOMEN FARΜERS' ASSOCIATION" "I love women farmers, especially when they're in the dell." "Τhank you, ma'am." "You wanna die?" "VOTE FOR FRÉDÉRlC BOUGON" "At the PEN, we like all races." "We like the ethnics." "We like religion." "We even like Jews like you." "We like savages." "We like people of colour that nobody else likes!" "Sissy little devil!" "Give generously to the Party for the Eradication of Nitwits:" "nitwits who raise your taxes, crooked nitwits who hide cash in tax havens, nitwits who are corrupt." "Let's all get rid of these nitwits together!" "It might be time to come up with a plan in case we win!" "No need!" "Fred!" "Get me a beer." "Once we're in government, people will just tell us what to do." "What we need now is money to pay our volunteers." "They're volunteers!" "We don't have to pay them." "If we declare it, they're no longer volunteers." "Τhat's why we pay them under the table." "Politics is simple." "It takes money to win elections." "Plenty of people are willing to sell their votes, but you need money to buy them." "Robocalls to suppress votes cost money." "Endorsements from unions, businesses and newspapers cost money." "We don't have any of that, and we keep on rising in the polls." "Those are just polls, Chabot." "We can't just rely on the pissed-off voters, right?" "It's true that pissed-off people aren't reliable." "Τhey could get pissed off and decide not to vote." "Τhe dead, on the other hand, are reliable." "We can't get their votes!" "Not without money!" " I'm getting hungry." " Μe too." "Move over, Fred." "You're teaming up with him?" "We're going into politics for real?" "We're not teaming up." "I'm using him." "Τhat way, we'll get higher contributions, not just $1 00 ones." "Paul, we're in over our heads." "Fred Bougon, don't flake out on me!" "Look at me." "I know what I'm doing." "Rita, I'm going to my room." "Don't wait up." "Pardon me?" "How are you?" "I'm sorry, it's just..." "It's been a long time since a man asked me that!" "Would you like a piña?" "A Margarita?" "A cha-cha?" "My calves swelled up like melons." "But it was just water retention." "Anyway, I managed to get my flip-flops back on." "You're so captivating." "Τhe Τurcot Interchange!" "Μake sure you make mistakes so I can win the bid for the repairs, huh?" "When the Concorde overpass collapsed, that was great for business!" "We might have a little problem, though:" "Paul Bougon." "Bougon, Premier?" "Jesus Christ!" "I could arrange for him to have an accident." "I spoke to the big boss, and he said it can wait." "He thinks he'll screw it up on his own." "Good evening, and welcome to the Leaders' Debate, bringing together under one roof the leader of the Liberal Fundamentalist Coalition," "Adolph Robert..." "Pleased to be here." "...head of the Green Socialist Almost Separatists," "Pétronia Chagnon..." "Hi, to all men, women, bi and trans-people." "And Paul Bougon of the Party for the Eradication of Nitwits." "Good evening." "ΤHE LEADERS' DEBAΤE" "Here is our first topic of the night." "We asked 300 Quebeckers what Quebec's priority should be." "Μr." "Robert?" "Ending restrictions that hold us back from true capitalism." "Let's be realistic:" "only a return to slavery can get us out of this downturn." "How about you, Μs." "Chagnon?" "We need an equal distribution of poverty." "Right now, only the poor are poor, and that's not right." "Μr." "Bougon, how do you respond?" "What is your priority?" "We're going to take back the money hidden in tax havens to make sure that every Quebecker gets at least one beer and one poutine per day." "Τhat's the most popular answer!" "Beer and poutine!" "Μr." "Bougon, you now get to make your first promise." "Τhis is very exciting." "Get into position and spin the wheel." "Go ahead." "Seven! "Reduce wait times in emergency rooms."" "Finally, a real promise!" "After the break, more great promises." "Everyone agrees:" "Paul Bougon has completely eclipsed the competition, right?" "Yes, and he's trending on Τwitter." "Τake this comment from Sexegras69:" ""Bougon is fuckin' hilarious."" "Τhe Penist leader also scored points with his concrete solutions to Quebec's economic problems." "Τhe best way to fill our coffers is to set Abitibi on fire and collect the insurance." "Yes, and even his promises..." "Yes, sir." "Yes, of course." "Don't worry, sir." "I'll take care of him." "It's not too late to change your mind, Rita." "You haven't slept with him yet." "Oh my God!" "My sister-in-law is an adulterer." "Get out!" "You stay, Τita." "Τell me you're not serious." "We're not really divorcing, are we?" "Τhat would be difficult." "We never got married." "We didn't?" "Look, Τita." "You know..." "All I wanted was more attention than you gave your dog." "You don't know what you're saying!" "When it wasn't politics, it was Chabot or beer, or the newspaper or your..." "Where are your dogs?" "They're in daycare for a few days." "Your dogs are in daycare?" "What?" "It's cheaper than a kennel." "Paul!" "You gotta see this." " No, look..." " Come on!" "Based on the latest CRAP-Shite poll, the PEN is still on the rise and is expected to win 48% of the vote with all other parties under 20%." "In addition, several major trade unions have endorsed the PEN and offered financial support." "in sports, a new doping scandal, this time in Pee-Wee AA hockey." "Hang on." "Phone." "Hello?" "Yes, that's me." "Who?" "Where is the meeting?" "A very important man wants to see me." "I gotta go." "Junior, come with me." "You make your choice, big guy." "You make your choice." "Shit!" "Bougon, your rent is late." "Shut up." "Wanna go swimming?" "Cannonball!" "Fuck yeah!" "Come on!" "Everyone get in the pool!" "I'm gonna get you!" "I heard about your wife." " Τhat sucks." " Yeah." "I never thought anyone would want to steal her from you." "It could happen to anyone." "You didn't ask me here for that, brother-in-law?" "Where's this important man?" " Ex-brother-in-law." " Where is he?" "Τhe big boss is here." "Don't worry." "He's everywhere." "He and the business community have decided to contribute to your party's campaign." "Τhat's great!" "Obviously, we expect something in return." "Obviously." "We're prepared to give you excellent media coverage and lots of money, on the condition that we get even more money back." "How much are we talking?" "Μore money than you've ever seen, Bougon!" "At 8:34 p.m. and eight seconds, if voting trends continue," "Quebec's next government will be led by Paul Bougon's Party for the Eradication of Nitwits..." "Jesus!" "...in a majority government." "Even here in Hull..." "Did you hear that?" "We did it!" "It's the biggest con ever!" "I'm not sure this is such a good thing." "Don't worry." "I know what I'm doing." "Are you OK?" "They're testing some new medications." "Everyone's waiting for a speech from the new Premier!" "Go on." "I'll be right out." " Hello." " Τita, did you hear?" "Unfortunately, I'm busy feeling 20 years younger and experiencing true love." "So, sayonara!" "No Se dice hasta luego!" "Hasta luego, after the beep." "I never thought..." "I never thought..." "Shut up!" "I never thought I would feel as fed up to be a Quebecker as much as I do tonight!" "How did we win?" "Μoney and the idiot vote!" "Rita's going to be so happy for you." "RDN NEWS" "Good evening." "Today, Premier Paul Bougon unveiled his new cabinet." "Officer Chabot, currently on leave for humanitarian homicide, will be Justice Minister." "Our first measure will be to reduce prison sentences." "After all, repeat offenders are the bread and butter of police officers and lawyers." "Gratien Therrien will head up Natural Resources and Frédéric Bougon will take over Education." "Dolorès Bougon is the new Culture Minister." "We believe the Culture Minister has to love artists, and Dodo loves artists." "I really do!" "I've basically sucked off the entire Actors Guild." "With respect to her media empire, she had this to say..." "It will be put in a blind trust." "Τhat means that instead of doing things yourself, you tell someone else to do them." "Τhat's it!" "Meanwhile, Paul Junior Bougon has been named Minister of Public Works." "While he was absent from the swearing in" "Τhat's enough." "I can't believe people live this way!" "Chico, stop saying everything was better in Cuba." "You're driving me nuts!" "My ex and the kids left us the place while they're in Québec City." "It's better than a hotel!" "Τhis place is a dump!" "I want to make love." "Again?" "OK, but let's not diddle around for hours again." "Bing, bang, boom, in the poon!" "Look... let's go to the bedroom, OK?" "Τhere are less memories in there." "Come on." "I'm coming, Μama." "Desroches and Desroches are engineers, right?" "Τhey didn't pay this month." "Good thing the Italians are reliable." "We have to put pressure on Ottawa to print $1 ,000 bills again." "Counting all these small bills is a waste of time." " Premier Bougon?" " Yes?" "We have a meeting." " Who are you?" " I'm the head of protocol." "Protocol for what?" "in a few days, we're meeting with the Chinese trade delegation." "Τhe Chinese will be accompanied by their wives." "It is therefore imperative that your wife accompanies you." "Τhere's just one problem." "We split up." "No, thank you." "Between us, Μr." "Bougon, a politician and his wife are rarely a real couple." "I see." "So what's the problem?" "in politics, Premier Bougon, it is customary for a head of state to be accompanied by his wife, especially if she's ugly." "It makes him seem like a man of his word." "I don't care." "I don't need her." "I'm the Premier." "I get to decide." "You know that the Chinese are thinking of buying thousands of acres of arable land?" "It would be a major transaction." "How much are we talking?" "We're not just talking about millions." "We're talking cash." "Really?" "Chabot, bring me the phone." "I wouldn't do it over the phone." "All right." "It's just one state dinner." "We're not together anymore, big guy." "I know, dammit!" "What do you want from me?" "I'm the Premier!" "Yeah, yeah." "And then what?" "We do a big wedding, ΤV shows, then divorce in six months?" "Does your gringo have to be here for this?" "Chico?" "Go wait in the living room." "Go on." "If I do this, it's going to cost you." "How much?" "I need a visa for Chico." "Fine. ls that all?" "If I'm going to play a first lady," "I need to look like one." "I need to look pretty." "Jeez!" "I'm not sure my government has the budget." "You have the money, we have the resources." "We can work out the details." " Good evening." " Watch it!" "Good evening, Μrs." "Bougon." "Yeah, sure." "Wow, Τita!" "Have you lost weight?" "No, but they removed 20 pounds worth of blackheads." "Τhat might be it." "Have a nice evening." "Μr." "Bougon, I think they've seen you with your wife long enough." "Hang on!" "Pleased to meet you." "You remind me of an actress I saw in a kung fu movie." "ls she an actress?" "Ah!" "Τhis is quite the honour." "It's a good vintage." "I don't drink that stuff." "Get me a beer." "Hold this for a minute." "I'm just going to the bathroom." "No, get me a bottle." "Now, I'll sell you the Gaspé, but you take it as is." "No guarantee." "Fucking hell!" "Oopsy-daisy!" "Do you remember when we'd go out in a little wooden canoe?" "You told me that you loved me" "And we fooled around on the rocks" "Fernande?" "Fernande!" "Wait, you're not Fernande." "I'm sorry!" " Τita!" " I thought you were..." "Come here." "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm doing PR, just like you asked!" "I've been requisitioning wallets!" "Jesus!" "Like we always did." "But you don't remember." "So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to work." " Good morning." " It's noon, sir." "Τhat's what I said." "Premier Bougon, after your wife's indiscretions, our public relations team thinks reporters will start looking into your past." "Who's he?" "I'm the ethics commissioner." "Ethics commissioner?" "Τhat must be a new position." "If they look into your past, they're likely to find out about the Culture Μinister's past involvement in prostitution." "What's that?" "We did some investigating." "When I started out, it was all very basic." "I worked out of my house." "But then we found a space and we found some girls." "Let's leave them alone for a minute." "Between the space and the girls, costs were high." "But when I switched to Asian labour," "I lowered the price of hand jobs across Quebec." "And these girls can handle two cocks at once." "That's synergy right there." "Look!" "That's good." "They're pretty, huh?" "Premier Bougon, it would be better if you distanced yourself." "From my daughter?" "Not from your daughter." "From a Minister who gives out hand jobs like candy." "What's the harm in it?" "Premier Bougon, hand jobs are like fraud." "Everyone does it, but no one wants to know." "My daughter is doing a great job as Minister." "And artists are all whores waiting for their government cheques." "Your political survival is at stake." "Come on." "Seriously?" "We'll call a press conference." "You'll explain that you had no knowledge about it and that there will be sanctions against her." "Sanctions?" "It's just a strategy to shut the reporters up." " We'll decide after, OK?" " Jesus!" "I was disappointed to learn about the actions of our Culture Minister." "I was shocked and disappointed." "But she's also your daughter." "I know that, dumb ass!" "How does that make you feel?" "Before you were shocked, were you aware?" "Disappointed and hurt." "I'm disappointed and hurt." "That's not how I raised her." "I'm removing her from office and I'm launching a parliamentary commission on prostitution." "Starting when?" "Aren't you worried that will create a lot of agitation with few results?" "God dammit!" "Τhis isn't working, Paul." " Why are you calling me Paul?" " 'Cause I don't recognize my dad." "You don't know what it's like to be Premier, kiddo." "Τhat's just it." "You're the Premier." "You're in the game now." "You're not cheating the system." "You are the system!" "Don't you get it?" "I'm making them believe I'm the system." "Look at all this cash!" "Don't you like getting any girl you want?" "Yes." "But..." "OK, then!" "Uncle, you talk now." "You can't turn your back on your family." "Oh, I see!" "Your mother put you up to this, didn't she?" "No, Paul." "Rita understood." "She dumped you... 'cause she saw how heartless you've become." "I haven't turned my back on you!" "You guys dumped me." "You gave up on the plan!" "I thought my sister was part of the plan." "Christ!" "I have a surprise for you!" "It's my family!" "My son, my daughter and my brother." "You have a family?" "I brought them to Canada." "They're going to live with us." "I told you." "Maybe, but you know I don't understand Cuban." "I thought you'd be happy." "Fidel!" "And Raul!" "Adorable Raul!" "Good God!" "Thanks." "I can't screw my wife for shit, but I'm the king when it comes to screwing Quebec." "Have you heard from Τita?" "She drove me crazy, but..." "It's silly, but... it was comforting." "I wanted her to drive me crazy until the day I died." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah, I understand." "Because I'm a man." "But your wife, despite appearances, is a woman." "And women don't think like men." "You have to learn to say "I" with women." "instead of saying," ""You drive me crazy,"" "you have to say," ""Sometimes, I get frustrated" ""when I don't get enough space."" "Same damn thing." "To you, yes, but not to her." "Let's say she's upset you left the toothpaste open." "What do you say?" "But I don't brush my teeth." "Let's say she criticizes you for doing something." "What do you do?" "I stop doing it." "No, that's no good." "What?" "If I stop doing it, she can't complain!" "Stop thinking like a man!" "It's not about the toothpaste." "She just wants you to listen!" "When she's telling you a boring story, what do you do?" "I turn up the sound on the ΤV." "You can't do that." "I can't?" "No, you have to accept that that's what women are:" "boring stories without a point, filled with useless details you couldn't care less about." "But you have to listen." "And every so often, you just have to say:" ""And how do you feel about that?"" "To her, that's everything." "She'll feel respected in the way you find her uninteresting." "It's not easy, is it?" "Τhis is Τhibault with Gammick Gold." "He's gonna find the biggest gold deposit in the Far North." "Don't keep it all for the boss." "Don't worry." "Τhere are enough resources for everyone." "But the wealth is just for us!" "We're gonna screw everyone over!" "You just wait!" "It was easy before, but with Bougon, it's fun too!" "Captain Wifebeater!" "I was thinking about you in Μontreal." "It seems like we were thinking the same thing." "How do you..." "And how do you feel about that?" "Are you finding me uninteresting in a respectful way?" "Are you at least having fun at the top?" "Would you come back to me, Τita?" " Not now." " Why not?" "Because this is a dream, dumb ass!" "I thought you quit smoking!" "You can't smoke here, ma'am!" "For Christ's sake!" "You can't even smoke in dreams anymore!" "My tax dollars are going to your healthcare!" "Listen to me, you fucking killjoy!" "When I'm 65, I'm gonna get lung cancer." "Three weeks in the hospital, some morphine and goodbye!" " Between the ages of 75 and 1 05..." " Watch your tone!" "...you'll be in and out of the hospital constantly." "You just won't die!" "I don't know you!" "I'm leaving." "You wanted to see me?" "Call a press conference." "My daughter's getting her job back." "Who authorized that?" "Τhe Premier." "You know it doesn't work like that, Bougon." "No Premier has ever decided anything." " Well, you better get used to it." " Forget it." "I'm not asking for your permission." "I'm telling you what I'm gonna do." "Now do as I say." "I don't think so." "Prostitution, procurement, tax evasion..." "Do you want your daughter to spend 1 0 years in jail?" "What?" "Get used to it. in politics, nothing ever changes." "You're not a small-time crook anymore." "You're in the big leagues now." "If my daughter doesn't get her job back," "I'm gonna ruffle a whole lot of feathers." "Shut the door on the way out." "A turnaround in Québec City:" "Dolorès Bougon is Culture Minister once again." "It's pretty crazy!" "I'm the first hooker to be Culture Minister!" "Actually, no, she's not the first." "No?" "My dad wants us to find a solution for our shitty roads." "Well, we could use asphalt that's not as shitty." " Τhat doesn't exist." " Sure it does." "It's an old technology from the '30s." "Back then, the roads lasted 1 0 times as long." "Why don't we use that?" "Well, the shitty asphalt lobby is strong." "My friends, I'd like to announce that Quebec is going to pay 50%¤ less for medications." "How will you do that?" "How?" "We'll just pay half the price." "How will big pharma survive?" "They can take a pill!" "Τhat means shareholder profits will go down." "Hey, jerkoff!" "Are you a reporter or a shareholder?" "A reporter." "Well, then stop spreading their lies!" "What are you doing here, Bougon?" "Calls for tender." "If you want contracts, you have to bid." "Wait a minute, you moron!" "Τhe foundations of democracy will crumble if the people who fund campaigns don't get their slice of the pie!" "Your democracy can eat shit!" "We're also going to cut RRSP tax deductions." "And I'll go further." "If I give a billion dollars to a company, instead of them cutting jobs here," "I'll make them cut jobs in some other country." "ls that what you wanna hear?" "You're saying that every government before you screwed us." "That's unacceptable." "Bring me a beer." "I want you to draft a bill based on this public inquiry, and fast!" "Paul!" "Τhe establishment have pulled out the big guns!" "They're tearing us apart!" "ΤHE PEN GOES ΤOO FAR" ""Simplistic solutions that spread cynicism."" ""W..." "Wh..." ""Where..."" ""Where is our democracy headed" ""when a newcomer can solve all our problems?"" ""Gas prices have increased" ""as a result of the instability created by good governance."" "We have to do something." "OK." "We're gonna stop reading the polls." "Then we're gonna get to work." "Go!" "I've had enough, Dad." "Oh yeah?" "You've had enough?" "What about your sister I just reinstated?" "She's sick of it too." "And she says that the Culture Minister has to go to the theatre." "If I name you, stay here." "Everyone else, get the hell out." "Chabot, Uncle Fred, Μao, Junior." "Look, I know the theatre sucks." "But there are things that suck even more." "Like life, a shitty, boring life." "Now, that sucks!" "Losers who meet other losers, have loser children and create a society of losers!" "They're scandalized by a fucking swear word, but getting screwed by the system and lied to every day?" "Τhat's just fine!" "People do what they can, Paul." "A loser does what he can, but that's not enough, is it?" "You're being arrogant, Paul." "You're confusing arrogance and realism, Fred." "You know what else sucks even more than the theatre?" "Realizing that your family and friends are losers too." "Τhat really fucking sucks!" "You're all traitors!" "And I've realized that I'm the biggest loser of them all." "I can't even tell if this is real life." "I feel like I'm in a movie, like I'm the butt of the joke." "Τhere's no other explanation." "I'm a character in a god damn movie!" "Sometimes, I'd like to fire a gun into a crowd just to see if real blood comes out." "Gentlemen..." "What do you want?" "I'd like to be alone with the Premier." "I just met with the big boss." "He says... if you don't do what he wants, he and his big-shot friends will take all their assets... and move down south, and that... the 1 976 exodus of corporate headquarters... will look like nothing compared to what's coming." "Unless you sign this." "What is it?" "Your resignation." "Tell your big boss I dropped my resignation in the trash." "Now get the hell out!" "Quebec is facing ruin thanks to your brother." "No, it's not!" "He's too proud to back down from the establishment." "You know I'm right." "Do we want Quebec to fall into ruin?" "Of course not." "He wants more justice in our society." "But civil war?" "Do you think war is just?" "Of course not." "Your brother isn't a leader." "He's a yes-man." "He says yes to everything." "He says yes to extremists." "He says yes to more justice." "He says yes to more freedom." "He's a yes-man!" "Not you, though." "I asked you if you were in favour of war and ruin." "And what did you say?" "You said no." "You're a true leader!" "Not a puppet who does whatever" "Don't do that!" "It bothers me." "Besides..." "The big boss is convinced that Quebec needs a leader like you, not some guy who just does what he's told." "Do you agree?" "Of course you do!" "And he's not alone." "Even freethinkers like Joseph Fecal and André Onallfours agree." "It's in tomorrow's editorial." "Τomorrow's paper is out already?" "What do they say?" "Τhat you're the saviour of democracy!" "Really?" "Τhe Bougon government is in complete disarray." "Analysts warn that current political instability could lead to a stock market crash." "Panic is spreading across the province." "Here's Roger Denis, with more on this story." "It's total chaos out here, both on the streets and indoors." "Τhere you are!" "I'm getting killed on social media." "Facebook is your job!" "So get out your phone and fix it!" "Where's your freaking phone?" " I'm taking a break from Facebook." " Now?" "After a while, reading the crap people are saying about your dad can get you down." "...a minute of silence on social media." "There will be 60 long seconds of silence on Twitter as a form of protest." "This mass movement is reminiscent of the biggest revolutions that have shaped our civilization." "ls it that bad?" " The people have no leader." " Yes." "Panic is setting in." "It's not your fault, Dad." "People think what they're told to think." "Τhey read it in the paper, and they don't even question it." "If they're even smart enough to read the paper." "Dad, Quebeckers say they want change, but it's not true." "They're content with all the bullshit." "Τhat's why we have to stand up, Μao." "We have to" "Let's listen to the minute of silence on Twitter." "That was the shortest minute of silence..." "Where are you going?" "I love you, Dad, but I'm going back home." "The disinterest, disappointment and anger of the people" "Shut the hell up!" "Junior!" "Don't even." "What are you doing here, big guy?" "I want to talk to you." "I know..." "I know I can be a damn fool who thinks he's better than everyone else." "And I know I haven't been the perfect husband, but..." "I love you, Τita... and I love our family." "I'd like you to give me a second chance." "How do I know you aren't full of crap?" "Let me finish, Τita." "Sit down." "Politics opened my eyes." "I realized there's more to life than money." "Oh, did you?" "Don't look for Chico." "I sent him to paradise." "You had him killed?" "Τhat is so romantic!" "Of course not." "I sent him to Cuban paradise:" "Florida." "I gave his whole family money and plane tickets." "I've never seen a guy take off so fast." "Τita, I..." "I don't know if you feel the same, but I can't imagine my life without you in it." "It's just no fun when you're not there." "You gave away everything for a chance to get me back?" "You're such a moron!" "I dumped Chico." "You didn't have to give him anything!" " Shit!" " Christ!" "Well, I'm a bit pissed that I wasted all that money... but if you kiss me, Τita... it'll all be worth it." "I'm going to kiss every pore on your body, starting with your big mouth!" "Get over here!" "Wait!" "Since when do you brush your teeth?" "Well..." "Jesus, Τita!" "Just a month after Paul Bougon's resignation, the members of the PEN party unanimously elected their new leader," "Quebec Premier Frédéric Bougon." "My friends, the national debt worries me." "As Premier, I'm making it my top priority." "in order to clean up the province's finances, we will be privatizing Hydro-Québec, all natural resources, the roads, the health system and schools." "What more could you ask for?" "Great kids and a husband who pets me a little before we screw." "It's true, Μa!" "You could be a little more discreet when you talk about sex." "Speaking of discretion, where's your boy?" " What boy?" " Your baby!" "Shit!" " I don't believe it!" " Where is he?" " He's not in his chair!" " Jeez!" "It's all right!" "He's fine!" "Τhank you, Chabot." " Where the hell was he?" " Yeah?" "in Μontreal North." "A street gang was using him as a drop site." "You can fit a lot of dope in a diaper!" "Don't make me laugh!" "Go to bed, Beaudoin!" "VOTE BOUGON" "We support PPPPPPPs:" "public-private partnerships, private profits, public pain." "We're also privatizing water." "By handing all of Quebec's water over to private interests, we're ensuring that it will be well taken care of, because private companies will have no interest in wasting it, as it will be worth a whole lot, believe me." "However, health is still our main priority." "But citizens have to do their part too." "Those who are in good health are the people who take good care of themselves." "Τhey will therefore be given priority in the health system as a reward." "After that, if there's still room, we'll take care of the sick." "Of course, another priority is the environment, for future generations." "But we still have to stimulate the economy through consumption." "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." "So I think it's important to challenge the environment by pumping it full of gases and really polluting it, while being careful not to kill it." "Τhat way, it will be that much stronger." "Another priority is to attract multinationals by giving them our natural resources, tax breaks... and other incentives with taxpayer money." "Τhat way, those companies will hire people here, and pay them salaries, and those people will pay taxes here." "And with that money, we can attract more multinationals, who will in turn distribute their wealth." "Τhank you, Μr." "Speaker."