"Found a flip-flop!" "Don't need a flip-flop." "I need a boot." "I don't see any boots, babe." "How do you keep losing shoes out here?" "I heaved the boot to disrupt a pair of lovemaking kitty cats." "Male cat ran away." "Then I felt bad, so I put on my flip-flops and went outside to check on the female cat." "I wound up sitting there petting her for, like, an hour." "And your flip-flop is still out here because?" "Male cat came back." "Saw me touching his lady, he was pissed." "I got scared." "I ran back inside." "Must have lost it then." "Why do you keep getting involved in these situations with stray animals?" "I don't know, honey." "Just bring me the flip-flop." "I'll wear one of each." "What is that?" "I don't like that." "I know it's not the bald guy with the birthdays." "I found this channel with educational-ish stuff for Hope." "While most mongoose breeds work in cooperative groups, the Kenyan pygmy mongoose is solitary, working alone." "You get to see all the beauty and wonder of the world." "Watch here the extreme territorial aggression as this mongoose actually decapitates a rival." "Great, they're both lefties." "Now what?" "Honey, every morning this happens." "If it's not a left boot, it's a right work glove or one lens from your sunglasses." "How do you not keep pairs of things together?" "I don't know." "It's like a curse." "What is that screeching from the living room?" "It's this show that scared Hope." "It's about these Kenyan pygmy things." "Pygmies freak me out." "The women run around topless." "They look like little girls with knockers." "Maw Maw!" "This house was becoming infested with pygmy mongooses." "Give me that!" "Woah!" "Hey, there's my boot!" "Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh" " Unbelievable!" " Save it, Jimmy." "The last thing anyone wants to hear is a lecture about the dangers of gunshots in the house." "Really?" "'Cause I think the last thing anyone wants to hear is gunshots in the house." "I'll buy a gun safe." "But we are not gonna be one of those unarmed families that's unprepared for 2012." "Eh, eh, eh." "The boy." "What's up?" "What's 2012?" "It's nothing." "It's this crazy thing your mother heard from some nutty talk radio dude who's been inside a UFO." "No, the UFO was inside of him." "Dr. Sam says that in the year 2012, the planets are going to align, which will knock out the power grid, and then you'll need a gun because the angry hordes will be rioting in the streets." "Why are the whores angry?" "Yeah, if the power's out, whore business probably skyrockets." "You can scoff all you want, but we're talking about ancient wisdom here." "The Mayan calendar only goes up to the year 2012." "Yeah, well, my Hot Girls on Snowmobiles calendar only goes up till December." "Does that mean the world's gonna end?" "No, just means my Hot Girls on Tractors calendar's on its way." "No, no, don't let anybody scare you over a 2012 apocalypse." "See?" "That's exactly what I was thinking." "I mean, when there are so many everyday things that could kill you." "Right, exactly." "Wait." "What?" "People text while they drive through intersections." "Radio waves messing up your brain." "Hell, suburban mountain lion attacks are up 400%." "Do you know how to fight a mountain lion?" " I don't." " You can't fight a mountain lion." "All you can do is lay back and go meet Jesus." "Amen, sister." "I guess all you can do is make up a will and hope you don't need it." "Why would I make a will?" "I don't have anything valuable to leave." "Because that's where you say legally who's gonna take care of your daughter." "You didn't make arrangements for your daughter?" "I ought to swat that fanny." "Please don't." "I can't believe I'm spending my Saturday in a lawyer's office talking about death." "Oh, sassafras." "Don't think of this as a lawyer's office." "Think of it as a pal's pad where we can just sit down and chill and sign legal arrangements for when you croak." "Sit, sit." "I'll put on some jazz." "And I have a great cheddar log with nuts." "He does make the medicine go down easy." "The main thing is, if I'm gone," "I want to make sure that Hope is raised by these guys." "Her other grandparents may get out of prison by then, and they're a little off-putting." "Thus the prison." "Well, I'm a softie for convicts, but I don't fault you folks for being hinky." "Now here's a fun one." "Who will little Hope go to if all three of you die?" "That is a fun one." "We hadn't thought about that." "A lot of people haven't." "Well, take your time." "I'm on the clock." "Son-in-law made me this for Kwanzaa." "I think it's a hoot." "And that is your actual bill." " Oh!" " What?" "So, who's your backup guardian?" "All right, think, think, think." "Give me a minute." "Give me a minute." "Wait, wait, give me a minute." " All I can think is think." " Hang on." "Wait." "I know this." "Wait." "Hang on." "Looking for a backup guardian." "Ideally, someone under fifty." "We got to think of somebody to take care of Maw Maw, too." "Well, there's no one on my side of the family, except my bitch, skank, whore cousin Delilah, who I'm not very close to." "And if it's a package deal with Maw Maw, you can count out everyone on my side of the family." "No one wants her." "We even tried to donate her body to science, and science said no." "No, we didn't." "I know, but I thought of that joke, like, three months ago and I was just waiting for a time to get it in." "That was perfect." "It's funny, right?" "It's a little less funny knowing you've been sitting on it for so long, but, yeah, it's a good one." "Don't mind that." "It just dings after every 10 dollars." " Oh!" " Ah!" "Guys, we can do this." "Concentrate." "Okay, who do we know?" "Sorry." "I get the hiccups when I drink and I'm nervous." "Look, do this." "Put down "Sabrina."" "Sabrina?" "She's tiny." "How's she gonna handle the terrible twos when Hope's big enough to wrestle her to the ground?" "He's just hoping if he puts her down, she'll like him more." "You need to start thinking with your brain instead of your..." "Forty dollars!" "No way!" "Okay, okay, who else do we know?" "Javier, Marcus, Shelley?" "Who?" "Chew it up and spit it into her mouth, baby-bird style." " That's gross." " It's not gross." "...43, 44, 45 to stay alive." "One, two..." "I'm off to my Zogland role-player's intergalactic war reenactment." "If you ever want me to babysit on a Saturday, your daughter would make a great Molmee, the Child of Darkness." "Damn, Jimmy, she's gonna be hot, just like her mama." "Let's see, when she's 17, I will be..." "I'm going with Sabrina Collins, final answer." "Sabrina Collins it is." "But we have more paperwork." "Oh, man." "Really?" "So, if you all die, Hope goes to Sabrina." "If just Jimmy and Burt die, Hope goes to Virginia, right?" "And if just Jimmy and Virginia die, Hope goes to Burt." "And if just Jimmy and Virginia die, Hope goes to Burt." "Yes." " That's right." " Um..." "Virginia!" "Where's my green sock?" "Virginia!" "Jimmy!" "Virginia!" "Jimmy!" "Virginia!" "You know, you guys are unbelievable." "After all this time, you don't have faith in me?" "Well, I'm gonna tell you something." "I am a grown man." "I could take care of Hope, and I can take care of myself." "Dad, wait." "I can't believe Sabrina's ahead of me." "She has skinny little hips." "That's God's way of saying, "Don't have babies."" "Burt, how are you gonna take care of Hope alone?" "You can barely get yourself out the door in the morning." "Hey, I'm awake for an hour while you're still dreaming of making love to me." "And you're still dreaming of making love to some half-Sabrina, half-dolphin creature." "Could you stop reading my dream journal?" "My point is lest he who be perfect pass the first stone." "Every morning it's a whole production just getting you up." "You two sleep in like a couple of princess Cinderellas." "Then I iron your work clothes for the day because you guys are so scared of getting shocked when the iron shorts out." "Then when the iron shorts out, I climb up to the attic and change the fuse because I'm the only one who even knows how to open the fuse box." "Then it's phase two of Cinderella and Cinderfella." "I clean all the ants out of the bathroom so Virginia 's not freaked out when she brushes her teeth." "Virginia's gonna need to use the bathroom." "So you gotta be out of here in 15 minutes." "It takes as long as it takes." "Then it's phase three for Cinderella and her knucklehead son Rip van Dingleberry." "So all that's what happens before you bozos even get out of bed." "I didn't know you did all that." "None of us can even take care of ourselves let alone Hope." "We're all idiots." "Don't overreact, Jimmy." "I think "idiots" is a little extreme." "Guys, you left a little something back in the office." "We're idiots." "We can't even get out of the house in the morning without help." "It's embarrassing." "And Dad was mad at me that I put you higher than him to be Hope's guardian." "Maybe I should put you above us all." "Whoa, back up." "You put me down as Hope's guardian?" "You didn't ask if I wanted that." "No one cares what you want, Sabrina." "Just let me know how many people need to die before I get the baby." "You're not on the list, Frank." "So, how many people have to die before I get on the list?" "You know, a baby's kind of a lot to put on somebody unannounced." "Hey, it's not like I'm hoping for this." "It would happen, literally, over my dead body." "You know what?" "I just realized I can't have a baby and a python." " You can keep him." " Hope's a girl." " Says you." " Says nature." "Let's just agree to disagree." "Why did you even pick me?" "Well, I mean, everybody else I know stinks, and I love how you don't stink." "I'm sorry." "I'm honored." "It's just..." "A baby is a really intimidating responsibility." "Well, yeah, but you'd be great." "Look, I know I seem really cool and collected, but I am a basket case under pressure." "I cried the first time I had to bag eggs." " I comforted her with a warm embrace." " Shut up." "It was a bad day." "All you need to do is spend some time alone with her, and get your confidence up." "Okay." "I'll take her out." "But meanwhile, how about you and your family teach each other how to handle life on your own so I'm at least, like, number four on the list." "I just realized I can train the baby and the python to be friends." "I'll take your boy." "Sabrina was right." "For Hope's sake, for all of our sakes, we're going to teach each other how to survive." "What I want, you've got It might be hard to handle" "Like the flame that burns the candle" "The candle feeds the flame" "Yeah, yeah" "What I got, full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter" "And you pull them all together" "And how, I can't explain" "Oh, yeah" "Well, well, you..." "Stupid jerk bacon." "Rule one, don't cook shirtless." "Rule two, don't cook eggs in the microwave." "Rule three, you don't toast French toast." "I find the shock to be a bit of an energy boost." "But you might want to bite down on this wooden spoon just to keep from taking a chunk off your tongue." "And wrap yourself around me" "'Cause I ain't the way you found me" "And I'll never be the same" "Oh, yeah" "Well, 'cause you..." "It's good!" "Look at us." "We each got dressed and fed and out of the house without one bit of help or coaching." "Wasn't that hard." "I don't know why everyone else in the world makes it out like it's such a big deal." "I don't think they do, Burt." "It's just us." "Well, I still think we've done a great thing." "And it'll make our lives better, and our family stronger." "We're all gonna die." "I'm going to make a run for the hatch." "Don't!" "You'll never make it." "We have to knock you out with cold medicine when you get a splinter, how are you going to deal with a pound of buckshot in your tushie?" "I can't believe I'm going to die." " I've only had sex with one person." " Me, too." " Me, too." " Six." " Really?" " Yeah." " Way to go, son." " I don't believe it." " Thanks for getting us into this mess." " How is this my fault?" "Hey." "You know," "I don't think I need to hang out with her alone." "The odds of you guys dying and needing me as a guardian, those chances are, like, 5% at most." "You're not just doing this for Hope." "You might be a mom someday." "So." "You're going to need to be good under pressure." "So go off, have fun, and just drop her off at day care when you're done." " Okay." " Relax." "You're going to be great with her." "What's the worst that could happen?" "A pit bull could eat her." "Hawk attack?" "Bee or jellyfish sting?" "Errant puck from a street hockey game?" "Baby-eating zombies." "That last one was my attempt to lighten the mood." "The other ones I'm seriously worried about." "See you later." "Hey, where's Hope?" "I made a funny face in the mirror, I wanted to show it to her." "Sabrina took her, like, half an hour ago." "That is a good face." "I bet she'd like it." "You really going to abandon me in my time of need?" "I don't have time to help you find your dumb boot." "It's a giant pain in the butt." "Plus, that's what we put up your shelves for." "I thought the shelves and stuff were for if you and Jimmy died." "You know?" "So I'd have matching shoes at the funeral?" "I mean, we're still helping each other, right?" "I woke you up this morning." "I wiped away the ants." "At this point it is just stupid that you keep losing pairs of things." "You'd lose one of your walnuts if your sack had a hole in it." "Well, I think it's stupid that you're afraid to iron your own clothes." "Iron's especially zappy this morning." "You want to tame that dragon?" "Jabberwocky!" "I'm not afraid of the iron anymore, because you showed us the trick." "Dragon tamed." "Find your own boot." "Fine." "Everybody's on their own now." "Not about everything." "No, let's do everything by ourselves." "We taught each other the skills, so I guess we're going Han Solo on everything." "Which means you get to change the fuse when it blows, after starting the toaster while the iron is on." "Good luck with the ironing." "Good luck with your eggs." "Good luck with your shirt." "How do you do the fuse box latch again?" "Figure it out!" " Hey." "Where the heck is Hope?" " At Shelley's." "I was walking along, and I had this irrational fear that a tsunami was going to hit." "And I'm not a very good swimmer, especially if I've got her, and it wasn't just a water tsunami, there were palm trees and hotels and convertible Sebrings, and here's where you need to slap me or shake me around to calm me down." "Uh, Okay?" "Forget it." "See?" "You were going to make her number three." "Figure it out!" " What's wrong?" " I think I got a little shocked." "FYI, you don't see your skeleton like in the cartoons." "It just hurts." "Very badly." "Here, let me help you up." "Whoa." "Not cool." " Here, here." "You need a hand?" " Yeah, yeah." "Way to go, Jimmy." "You got bits of ceiling in my breakfast." "I had to throw away a perfectly good omelet I made for myself." "Probably had shells in it." "I like shells in it." " I hear you up there, mongooses!" " We are not mongooses!" "That's just what a mongoose would say." "We're all gonna die." "I'm going to make a run for the hatch." "It's everyone's fault we're up here." "A little more mine, 'cause the gun safe I bought is still sitting in the back of my car, but still, we all helped get here." "We screwed up our system." "When we needed each other, it made us work together and be nice." "And when we figured out how to do stuff alone, it turned us mean and vicious, to where we rip each other apart." "It turned us into mongooses." "Who would've thought being semi-helpless is half of what keeps a family together?" "Man, I bet families with blind people in them are really tight." "You guys are lucky." "Well, I mean aside from being held hostage and all that." "Also, you have an obscene amount of beer." "Oh, yeah." "That's for 2012." "I figured we wouldn't want to die sober." " Which I guess applies to now as well." " We're not going to die." "We just have to not make any noise until Maw Maw falls asleep." "Which is what, like, 10 hours?" "We could do that." "How much time do we have left?" "I'm guessing about nine hours, 40 minutes." "Come on, mongooses, make a move!" "Let me know where you at." "I hear your panicked cry." "Keep it up, mongoose." "Marco!" "I'm so sorry." "Marco!" "If all of us die, who raises Hope?" "We didn't make a fifth backup." "It seemed unnecessary at the time." "Marco!" "Now I got you." "Say good-bye, mongoose!" "We are not leaving Hope an orphan." "You did it." "You were great under pressure." "Hey!" "I guess I was." "Her skinny hips fit right through the rafters and saved our lives." "You can put her as the guardian ahead of me." "You can put her ahead of all of us." "English" " US" " SDH"