"Hey!" "Wassi!" "Wassi!" "Stop that!" "Oh, the idea." "Voulez vous me to... to call the police?" "J'essayais seulement de perfectionner la nature." "En effet vous avez exactement I'air d'un chameau." "What's that mean in English?" " Same as it does in French, monsieur." " Oh.." "All right." "Comme ça, a little brook." "Comme ça, a little river." " Ou est Petrov?" " Comme ça, a little brook." " Comme ça, a little river." " Ou est... where is Petrov?" "Please!" "Can you not see I am busy being a wave?" "Comme ça, a little river, comme ça, a little brook." "Comme ça, a little river, comme ça, a little brook." "Where is Petrov?" "Look here," "I don't want to be bourgeois and remind anybody that I'm the owner of this company, but if somebody doesn't tell me where Petrov is, this is going to be trouble for everybody." "He's in his private room practicing his grand leap." "Thank you." " But he doesn't want to be disturbed." " Thank you!" " What is this?" "What is this?" " Hi, Jeffrey." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop that music!" "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm just having fun." "Fun?" "The great Petrov doesn't dance for fun!" "The great Petrov doesn't, but I do." "Pete Peters." "Remember me?" "Oh, that awful name of yours." "I was born with it." "It isn't bad." "Pete Peters, Philadelphia, PA." "How do you make that exasperating noise?" "What have you got on those shoes?" " Taps." " Taps?" "!" "On your ballet shoes!" " Sure." " Sacrilege!" "At last I'm beginning to understand why you wanted a private room to dance in." "All this time I thought you were practicing your grand leap." "But, Jeff, I haven't neglected anything." "Look." "Le entrechat trois." " Lovely." "Beautiful." " But how much more effective it is this way." "Lovely!" "Beaut..." "I forbid that." "That's not art." "Maybe it isn't." "Perhaps it's just the Philadelphia in me." "Oh Jeff, I wish we could combine the technique of the ballet with the warmth and passion of this other mood." "Mood?" "What other mood?" "You mean this jazz business?" "Jazz went out with the flapper." "That isn't jazz." "After 15 years of the hardest work you want to dwindle into a shimmy dancer." "Forget all that nonsense." "Here." "Look at this." "You realize we ought to be sailing?" "You realize that" "The Metropolitan in New York City is getting nervous?" "I'm sorry, but I have to stay in Paris a while yet." "Stay in Paris?" "What for?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" " That's grace." "That's rhythm." " What is that?" "What have you got there?" "Isn't she lovely?" "Isn't she lovely?" "I..." "Oh!" "So that's it." "Who is that girl?" "Who is she?" "Where did you ever meet her?" "That's just it." "Haven't been able to meet her yet." "But I hope to dance with her someday." " Dance?" "With her?" " Sure." "Are you mad?" "Are you sure that she hasn't tried to persuade you to stay on here?" "I told you." "I haven't even met her." "But I'd kinda like to marry her." "I think I will." "Thanks, Jeff." "You are so beautiful when you are angry." "Pardon, mademoiselle." "I cannot help what I cannot help." "Neither can I." "You cannot let us up like this." "It is not up she let us." "It is down." "Up or down, she let us." " It is all your fault." "You kissed her." " But it is in the play." " You kissed her out of the play, too." " Go home, all of you." "Go home!" "Well, hello, my little darling." "What have you got there?" "It's Mr. Miller, miss." "He just arrived from New York." " Hello, Arthur." " Hello, Lin." "You better go." "If I ever walk on a stage again..." " How'd you get here?" " By rail." "I hung over every inch of it." "New experience for you." "You usually have your foot on one." "Yes, Lin." "Of all the humiliating experiences, did you ever dance with a man you didn't you didn't care about" " and who's in love with you?" " No, Lin." "Why do actors have to take the author's lines literally?" "And why must there always be a kiss at the second-act curtain?" "As long as I live,I hope I never see another hand-kissing heel-clicker." "Careful, Lin." "You know I come from a long line of heels, myself." "But we've never clicked." "And it's all your fault, too." "I was a happy, peaceful girl until you discovered me." "Fame." "Name in lights." "I never should've listened to you." "I'll quit!" " I'll retire from the stage forever." " Again?" "It does you good to break an engagement." "Engagement?" "Engagement!" "That's what I'll do." "Tai!" "Send a cable to Jim Montgomery." "Tell him I want to see him desperately and I'm coming back on the Queen Anne tomorrow." " Yes, ma'am." " Now Lin, don't lose your head." "You have to stay in theater." "Never." "I refuse to be a bowl in a gold of fish." "You mean a fish in a bowl of gold." "That's what I said." "A bowl in a goldfish." " Just a moment, please." " Thank you." "Petrov?" "What's a Petrov?" "Just the Russian ballet's greatest dancer." "Oh, fine." "Well, tell him to go back to Moscow." "The gentleman seems very anxious to see you, miss." "I've got enough troubles without adding a dizzy Russian to them." "Just another dancer to swoon in my arms." "That's all I need to make things perfect... a simpering toe-dancer." "Get rid of him!" "He probably only wants to say he's seen a picture of me and can't live without me." "Otschi tschornyije!" "I am Petrov." "Charmed." "I'm Linda..." "Linda..." " Uh, Linda..." "Linda Keene." " Yes." "How do you do?" " Otschi tschornyije!" " Glad you came, Mr. Petrov." "Not Mister." "Petrov, alone." "Just, uh, Petrov." "And why not?" "Just Caesar." "Just Napoleon." "And only Garbo." "So Petrov, too, she's enough." "Just about enough." "And you!" "I understand you want to dance with me." "Of course, I cannot blame you." "But I will not permit it." "Who told you that?" "Ah, a little bird, she tell me so." "Nyet?" "Not in the least." "What?" "You do not want to dance with the great Petrov?" "Don't be a silly horse." "Maybe you could, uh..." "Tweest for me once." "Like so." "Uh, no, I..." "I..." "I don't..." " Tweest!" "Tweest!" " You better twist." "Oh..." "Oh!" "Get up." "I hate this discords." "Oh, she is horrible, nyet?" "Well, that kind of settles it." "With me, nothing is settled." "Well, I must go now." "I must go to Mos-cow." "Ha ha ha." "Funny, nyet?" " Oh, very." " It kills me." "Otschi tschornyije!" "That lunatic's dangerous." "They ought to lock him up." "Oh, am I glad I'm sailing on the Queen Anne tomorrow." "No, Denise, no." "I can't take you back as ballerina." "Why, you've done absolutely nothing for 4 years." "And everything's been so peaceful since you left." "It wasn't my fault." "Peter just refused to fall in love with me." " Peter, darling." " Why, Denise." " Or should I say Lady Tarrington?" " No, it is Denise again." "Denise wants to come back to the ballet." "Oh, she does?" "Well, that sounds like fun." "Oh." "Well, I didn't know you felt that way." "Why, of course, Denise, you're engaged," " you go downstairs and get your contract." " Thank you, Jeffrey!" "Jeffrey, may I speak to you a moment, please?" " You'll excuse us, please." " Of course." "And I'll let you know about the rehearsals the first thing in the morning." "We can't give her anything important to do at first." "You want me to stay with the company, don't you?" " Oh, why, what a question!" " Then, get rid of her." " Get rid of her?" " Remember the trouble she caused last time?" "You just told her." "I heard you myself." " I was only being polite!" " Oh, dear, dear." " And I've given her my word." " Look Jeff, I'll make a deal with you." " You want me to go to New York?" " Why, naturally." "I'll sail on the Queen Anne tomorrow providing you get rid of her." "Tomorrow?" "Oh, dear, that's so sudden, why..." "I wouldn't know what to do." "I wouldn't know what to say." "All right, I stay here in Paris." "But I'll think of something." "I'll..." "I'll connive." "I'll connive something good." "Good." " Peter." " Oh..." "Oh, hello, Denise." "I feel very bad because I am not going with you." "So do I." "Is your wife going with you?" "My wife?" "I haven't any wife." "Jeffrey told me it was a secret for professional reasons." "Oh, Jeffrey." "Did he mention how long I've been married?" "Yes, he did." "Immediately after dear Tarrington took me away from you." "Dear Tarrington." "Is she sailing with you?" "Who?" "Oh, my wife." "Yes, of course." "I'd love to meet her." "Well, uh..." "You couldn't." "She's busy with the children now." "Children?" "But Jeffrey didn't tell me." "Ah, Jeffrey doesn't know everything." "Imagine." "Married 4 years." "Imagine." "And how many little ones are they?" "Five." "Five?" "Well, twins." " How wonderful." " Isn't it?" "All visitors ashore." "Well, good-bye, Denise." " Sweet of you to see me off." " Good-bye, Peter." "Bon voyage." "Miss Keene, I know, wants me to tell you how much she hates leaving her dear Paris." "She's enjoyed everything about it and everybody in it." "All visitors ashore." "Monsieur Petrov?" "A picture, please." " One more, please?" " Alright." "I certainly do envy you, Pete." "Going home at last." "I kinda like the idea myself." "All right." "So long, fellows." "Thanks for everything." " Bye-bye." " Bye." "Otschi tschornyije!" "Miss Keene!" "Why, just Petrov." "You come to see me go, nyet?" "Oh, yes." "Isn't it sweet of me?" "I know you come." "Petrov?" "I have been looking all over for you." "I beg your pardon." "Oh, miss Keene." "My friend Jeffrey Baird." " How do you do?" " Oh, really?" "Miss Keene, I... what did you say?" "Me?" "Nothing." "What's the matter with you?" "You got a cold?" "No." "I feel like you say..." "Good." "You don't sound so good." "What's the matter with you?" "Doesn't Mr. Baird understand Russian?" " Not a..." " Oh, yes." "What?" "What sort of a game is this?" "Oh, it's just a game little American boys play." "I beg your pardon, sir." "We can't find Mr. Petrov." "Well, you've got to find him." "He's probably practicing that jig-a-lig somewhere." "I've looked everywhere, sir." "Splendid service, that's all I can say." "Bring the world's leading ballet dancer on board this ship he disappears out of his stateroom right under your very nose." "Well, he might be in someone else's stateroom, sir." "What would he be doing in someone else's stateroom?" "That would be entirely up to him, sir." "The world is in a mess, yes politics, taxes and people grinding axes there's no happiness zoom, zoom zoom, zoom rhythm need your aid future doesn't fret me if I can only get me someone to slap that bass" "happiness is not a riddle when I'm listenin' to that big bass fiddle" "slap that bass slap it till it's dizzy slap that bass keep the rhythm busy zoom-zoom-zoom misery, you got to go misery, you got to go slap that bass use it like a tonic slap that bass keep your philharmonic" "zoom-zoom-zoom and the milk and honey'll flow dictators would be better off if they zoom-zoomed now and then today you can see that the happiest men all got rhythm in which case if you wanna bubble slap that bass slap away your trouble learn to zoom-zoom-zoom" "slap that bass" "You aren't really serious about that marriage idea, Lin." "No, Arthur?" "Well, what about me?" "Sorry, but I'm facing real happiness for the first time in my life." "Yes, and I'm facing bankruptcy..." "For the third time in my life." " Steward, Miss." " Oh, come in." "I ordered lunch for us." "You can put the table right here." "I guess we won't be having many more of these together." "Lin, I still think you're a sap to walk out on me just to get married." "No, I'm tired of living the kind of life I've been leading." "Look, Lin." "I'll give you $10,000 more than I gave you last year." "Oh, you don't understand." "Your kind never does." "Money isn't everything." "But, Lin, after all these years together.." "Arthur, I'm tired of being pawed." "I beg your pardon." "My compliments, Miss." "And as for you, sir?" "Shame." "You misled me." "You tricked me." "You knew that she was going to take this boat." "I'll admit the charge and plead an extenuation of my humor." "And where have you been all day?" "With that woman?" "Not that woman, Jeff." "The woman." "But I wasn't with her." "Furthermore, she hasn't left her room all day, darn it." "Probably one of those night prowlers." "She's not going to prowl too near you, because I intend to accompany you all evening." " Good." "Maybe she's got a friend." " Really?" "What's the matter?" "What are you doing?" "What are you weaving about like that for?" " Weaving?" " Yes." "I'm not weaving." "It's the boat." "You mean, this boat's doing that?" "Of course." "Must be getting choppy out." "Oh." "Oh, of course." "Oh." "Oh." " Why, Jeff." "What's the matter?" " Oh, nothing." "Nothing." "I'm all right, I think." "I guess." " Oh." " Oh?" " You look terrible." " Do I?" "Why, yes." "You're all white." "Sort of..." "Green." "Kind of..." "Yellowish." " Maybe you ought to go to bed." " Maybe, I... no." "Maybe I better get some air." "Oh..." " Do you mind?" " Not at all." "Oh..." " What's the matter, old man?" " It's the boat." "The whole boat is weaving." "There." "Is that better?" "I don't know, really." "I don't know." "Straight lemon juice, please." "I wouldn't drink that." " No?" " It'll make you seasick." "What this gentleman needs is champagne." "Champagne?" "No, no." "I've never touched champagne in all my life." " I refuse to touch it." " Well, you can watch me, then." " Keep them coming." " Yes, sir." " Nothing." "Tell me the truth." "Do I look bad to you?" "Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know you well enough to tell you the truth." "Oh." "Miss, uh..." "Miss Keene." "You remember the night we met in Paris?" "Yes, I remember." "Otschi tschornyije!" "No, wait a minute, please." "I want to explain, you see.." "I once saw a photograph of you," "I decided right then and there that I simply had to meet you." "And I tried every way, but nobody in Paris seemed to know you, and..." "Everybody in Paris knows Linda Keene." "Everybody worth knowing." "Uh, of course." "But, uh, I just don't seem to know the right people.." "Yet." "Couldn't you do something about that right now?" "As one yankee to another?" "I'm from the South." "Maybe you all's from the north." "It's funny, dogs have an instinct for the right people." "How do you like that?" "Marvelous, how you can do it with so many at one time." " Let's drink to that." " Steward." "Another bottle of this lemon." "He's gone to bed." "Must be late." "What time is it?" "What does your watch say?" "It says, "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.."" "Jeffrey!" "Hey, Jeffrey." "Hello, hello, hello." "Good morning, good morning, good morning." "Well..." "What's the matter?" "You lose something?" "I got great news for you, old man." "You're not going to be seasick." "The captain just told me this will continue to be the smoothest trip in 10 years." "Oh..." "Well I don't see why you should have such a big head." "You only had one glass." "Yes, but you kept filling it." "Your breakfast, sir." "What'll I do?" "What'll I do?" "Before you do anything, you'd better put that breakfast away." "That'll save me an extra trip." "Walter, come here, darling." "What happened?" "You've ruined your sweater." "Now I'll have to fix it." "Isn't it wonderful being here tonight like this?" "Still on the same boat together." "Oh, I seldom change boats in mid-ocean." "I mean, look how lucky I am." "First time I find myself on a boat with somebody like you, it turns out to be..." "You." "At any gambling casino from monte Carlo to Reno they tell you that a beginner comes out a winner." "Beginner fishing for flounder will catch a 17-pounder that's what I've always heard and always thought absurd but now" "I believe every word for I've got beginner's luck the first time that I'm in love" "I'm in love with you gosh, I'm lucky" "I've got beginner's luck there never was such a smile or such eyes of blue gosh, I'm fortunate this thing we've begun is much more than a pastime for this time is the one where the first time is the last time" "I've got beginner's luck lucky through and through 'cause the first time that I'm in love" "I'm in love with you" "Bellows." "Listen to this." ""Lady Tarrington left this morning" ""on the S.S. Marseilles for a trip to America" ""to visit her friends, Mr. and Mrs. Petrov," ""who are aboard the S.S. Queen Anne." ""Upon further questioning, it was learned" ""that the Petrovs have been married for some time," ""their marriage not having heretofore been disclosed for professional reasons."" "Ha ha." "That is news for your morning bulletin." "That must be the musical comedy star he's with so much..." "Linda Keene." "By George, you're right." "Sparks just told me that ballet dancer" "Petrov is secretly married." "I'll wager it's to that American dancer." "Right-o." "Will that be all, Miss Linda?" "Yes, thank you, Tai." "And he's been secretly married to Linda Keene for some time." "They're a lovely-looking couple, don't you think?" "Oh." "Shh." " How do you do?" " Good evening." "That's what I like about boats." "Everyone's so friendly." "A toast." "For he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny" "Petrov!" "Petrov!" "Petrov!" "Petrov, wake up." "Wake up, Petrov." "Wake up." "We're going to have a baby." " What?" " Why did you keep this a secret from me?" " What are you talking about?" " It's all here in the ship's bulletin." "It says you've been married for years to Linda Keene, and the editor announces, quote," ""it is rumored that a blessed event is imminent."" "Unquote." "Why did this have to happen to me?" "To you?" "It hasn't even happened to me." ""Lady Tarrington..."" "Uh-oh." "Do you realize that you're the father of my child?" "Of course... that's ridiculous." "That's impossible." "It's very simple." "You told Denise I was married, somebody selected a wife, and now I'm going to be a father." " Oh, well, isn't that cute?" " Cute?" "It's a miracle." "I warned you the association with that Keene woman would get you into trouble." "I warned you I was gonna fall in love with her, and I have." "It'all your fault." "You go and explain it to her." "I?" "I'll do nothing of the kind." "If you want me to dance at the Metropolitan, you go into Linda and clear this thing up." "Oh, in that case, perhaps I'd better." "I'll take care of this." "Operator." "Operator!" "Get me Mr. Petrov." "What?" "Don't you dare congratulate me." "Come in." "I've come to tell you, Miss Keene, that we will not tolerate your insinuations." "Stay where you are..." "While I compose myself." "I suppose you and that toe-dancer think this whole thing's a good joke?" "Well, it wasn't altogether the toe-danc..." "Mr. Petrov's fault." "Oh, it wasn't?" "A man in Petrov's position is besieged by women." "Oh, naturally." "And there was one persistent wretch who, uh..." "Well, to get rid of her, he said he was married to you." " To get rid of her?" " Exactly." "He had to choose somebody and he felt that a person like you wouldn't mind." " So, he used me to..." " Exactly." "See?" "It wasn't altogether a joke." "Good morning, little mother." "Good morning." "I want to book passage on that mail plane." "I'm sorry, but that's against government regulations." "But I must leave the ship." "It's absolutely urgent that I leave." "Ohh." "Well, I understand." "But it is a little irregular." "Well, I'm quite sure the government would understand." "Well, perhaps under the existing circumstances, Madam... not Madam, Miss!" "Where's Linda?" "Oh, pardon me." "Take a good look." "Gosh, and I could have explained everything." "You couldn't have explained her embarrassment and humiliation." "Thanks." "Now she's gonna get married." " Married?" " Yes." "Married to a Park Avenue cluck with the longest yacht and the shortest chin ever christened." "You've driven her to that." "Me?" "I didn't do anything." "Only told somebody you were married to her to get rid of another dame." "Only used her, that's all." " Who said I did?" " Your impresario, Mr. Baird." "Oh, he did?" "Excuse me, gentlemen, in a few moments the fire bell will ring, but there's no need to pay any attention to it." " Fire drill for ship's crew." " Right." "He's probably in here." "Jeff, did you tell Miss Keene I used her to get rid of another woman?" "My very words, dear boy, and one of these days you'll thank me for doing it." "Thank you?" "Why, I didn't need you to explain it to her, I..." "What is the matter with you?" "Haven't you any feeling of responsibility for your art, your company?" "Do you realize because of your lies, the best musical comedy star" " is quitting show business!" " Is that so?" "That's no loss." "It would be a loss if Petrov were mixed up with that cheap vaudeville." "However, I've scotched all that, and I'm proud of it." "You've scotched it alright." "This boat is getting terrible." "What is that noise?" "Oh, it's a fire." "The boat's on fire." "Oh, is it?" "Well, I..." "this boat?" "Aah!" "Of course!" "Yes!" "What are we gonna do?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " Stay where you are." " Stay where you are!" " Don't move." " Don't move, but hurry!" "My word!" " You'd better get into this." " I'm going to sue the company." " If we get out alive." " I'll sue them anyway!" "Take this thermos." "We may be stranded on an island." "We'll need this for cold nights." "I feel the flames." "Getting nearer and nearer!" "Now, let's keep our heads." " What else do we need?" "Hats!" " Of course!" "Hats!" "We don't want head colds." "Gentlemen always dress, even on a tropical island." "Oh, and this basket of fruit to eat." "I'll pick up a few blankets." "No, wait." "A clock." "The clock." "So I'll know when it's bedtime." "Oh, Petrov." "They've lowered our boat." "Take this." "We may be on that island for quite a while, and time will hang heavy on our hands." "Vary it with a little golf." "Go ahead, boat station 4." " Station 4?" "We got everything?" " Everything." "Come on, fellas!" "Come on!" "Don't forget the blankets!" " I'll get the blankets." " And don't get excited, just follow me." "Follow me." "Come on." "There!" "Oh!" "Yes!" "Come on, Petrov!" "Hurry up." "I'm all right." "Don't get excited." "Don't get excited, anybody." "Everybody keep calm, calm." "My boat's number 4." "My boat's number 4." "Where?" "4!" "4!" "Alright, I'm here!" "Bring it down!" "Let it down!" "What are you waiting for?" "!" "Miss Keene?" "She's back already?" "Oh, goody, goody." "Miss Keene's back." "Give me her key, will you please?" "Thank you very much." " Welcome home." "I'm so happy to see you back." " Thank you, Cecil." "You're in sooner than expected." "You... ahem... are you alone?" "Certainly." "And who else would be with me?" "Oh, you are a one, Miss, keeping it a secret so long." "There is no secret." " No, not now." " There never was." "Oh, very well, Miss." "I know professional people." "You'll find me the very soul of discretion." "Oh, yes, indeed." "Just one moment, please." "I've got a surprise for you." "Voilà." "Jim!" "I'm so glad to see you." "I received your cable, Linda." "You're looking very well, considering.." " Oh, well, you look grand, too, Jim." " Thanks, I'm lucky that way." "Nothing shows in my face." "But why didn't you tell me, Linda?" "Tell you?" "Well, there's nothing to tell." " Then somebody's wrong." " Oh, that." "A lot of false, malicious gossip." "Petrov?" "On his way up?" "Splendid." " Cecil Flintridge." " Oh, no, no, no." "Jeffrey Baird." "I beg your pardon." "Cecil Flintridge." "I beg your pardon." "Jeffrey Baird." "No!" "Cecil Flintridge." "I don't like to disillusion you, old man, but I am Jeffrey Baird, Petrov's manager." "And I am Cecil Flintridge." "You mean you are Cecil Flintridge?" " Yes, that's what I mean." " Well, what of it?" "What?" " Cecil!" "Of the hotel!" " Yes, of the hotel." "Of course, well, how are you?" "Well, how are you?" "How do you do, indeed." "You know, I've been at great pains to make you and Mr. Petrov comfortable." " Have you really?" "That's very kind of you." " I thought it was kind of me." "Your suite is right next to Mrs. Or shall I say miss Keene's." "Miss Kee... what?" "!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, you blundering... blunderer!" "Petrov?" "Petrov?" "Petrov?" "Petrov." "Do you know where we are?" "Wait a minute, don't tell me." "New York." "Yes... no." "We are right next to Linda Keene." " Good." " That's what I thought." "Nobody's interested in what you think..." "If you do." "I'm only trying to do my best, sir." "Do your next best and move us to another part of this hotel." "Why shouldn't married people have adjoining suites?" " Because they're not married." " Not married?" "Oh!" "Arthur." "Linda, I've only kept the roof open in the hope you'd come back." "Since you left I haven't had one revue there." "I couldn't find a big enough name." "Oh, Arthur." "I'm not that good." "You're right, Linda." "You're not." "Seriously, the crowds who haven't been on the roof since you left think you are." " Oh, Arthur, I forgot to tell you something." " What, Lin?" "I'm going to be married..." "To Jim Montgomery." "Well, I guess I'm licked." "If you have your mind made up that definitely, there's nothing more I can say to influence you." "No, I'm afraid there's not." "Except to wish me luck." "You know I do, Lin." "All the best, the very best." "Thank you, Arthur." "There's just one thing I insist on doing for you." " What's that?" " Give you and Jim a farewell dinner." "Tonight." "On the roof." "Oh, we'd love it." "It's so nice of you to think of Jim." "I think of him constantly." "We've had our dinner." "What are we doing up here?" "You'll find out when I do." " Petrov." " Yes, Mr. Petrov." "Mr. Miller's expecting you." "This way, please." " Take this to Evans." " Yes, sir." "Thanks, Arthur." "Thank you, Arthur." "The odds were a hundred to one against me the world thought the heights were too high to climb but people from Missouri never incensed me oh, I wasn't a bit concerned for from history I had learned how many, many times the worm" "had turned they all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round they all laughed when Edison recorded sound" "they all laughed at Wilbur and his brother when they said that man could fly they told Marconi wireless was a phony it's the same old cry, they laughed at me wanting you said I was reaching for the moon" "but, oh, you came through now they'll have to change their tune they all said we never would be happy darling, let's take a bow but ho ho ho who's got the last laugh now?" "And now miss Keene has graciously consented to dance for us." "But, uh, not alone." "Those of you who have never seen her famous partner have at least heard of him..." "Quite a bit lately." "Petrov!" "What am I supposed to do?" "Tweest." "I've got to keep that marriage story alive, Charlie." "It's the only way I can stop Lin from marrying Montgomery." "Then you'll have to get a new angle." "The newspapers are cold on this secret marriage." "It's too secret." "They've told boys to lay off unless you can furnish absolute proof." "I can only hang onto this combination, public would climb the side of a building to see Lin and Petrov dance together now." "We've got to do something." "Yeah, furnish the proof that they're married." "That ought to be easy." "I have an idea that's so dastardly, it's beautiful." "You remember the dream idea that sculptor sold us on for Lin?" "The one we spent 5 grand on and never used." "Yeah." "Here's where we're gonna collect on it." " Lin never saw that model, did she?" " Not that I know of." "It breaks my heart to do this, but with a few slight changes, I'll turn that dream stuff into a nightmare that'll make history." "Poor Lin." "Ha ha ha." "Look." "They all said we never would be happy they laughed at us, and how but ho ho ho who had the last laugh now?" "Good morning, Tai." "Good morning, miss Linda." " Have you no shame?" " Why I..." " How can you look yourself in the face?" " But I..." "Here I emphatically deny your marriage to the boys, they flash these pictures on me." "Oh, the humiliation of it." "Lin, I never thought you'd double-cross me." "Double-cross you?" "!" "I didn't pose for those!" "I suppose that's an old tintype of your grandmother!" "Well, it could be!" "It's certainly not me!" "Linda, I've trusted you." "I've done everything I could think of!" "Didn't I even bless your proposed union with Jim?" "What a way to treat me, your best friend." "Don't go, Arthur." "You're the only one who can help me." " I've done everything I could." " You've got to!" " Not anymore." " You must, Arthur!" "All right, I'll sue the paper." "I'll get to the bottom of these pictures!" "You mustn't get involved in this." "I can't let you down in this crisis." "I'll handle the whole thing for you." "Thank you, Arthur." "I knew you'd stand by me." "Get me Mr. Petrov!" "Hello?" "Oh, it's you." "Good morning." "How?" "What?" "Why, no, I haven't." "The papers?" "I'll be right over." "Jeffrey!" "Oh, Jeffrey!" "What is the matter, Petrov?" "When you shout like that, you frighten me, old fellow." "Take a look at this, old fellow." "Oh, I read the paper this morning, Mr. Petrov." "You won't have to run through the hallway anymore." "Compliments of the management." "Cad." "I suppose you're going to say this is Jeffrey's fault!" "I suppose you're going to say this isn't you." "I can't, very well." "Neither can you, can you?" "No." "You, um.." "You don't by any chance walk in your sleep, do you?" "What... how can you say such a thing?" "!" "Well, it's... it's my bed, and I'm asleep." "Well..." "Hello!" "What?" "You want a statement!" "Well, let me tell you." "If you think..." "Wait a minute." "Better not say that." "It might be libel." "Let me talk." "Maybe I can put it more gently." "Hello?" "Who is this, please?" "Oh, the editor." "You and that cheap outfit that published those pictures..." "I know, but..." "But wait a minute." "I'm talking!" "What?" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh..." "Oh, Jim." "Jim, wh-why didn't you phone?" "I..." "I would have been dressed." "I suppose you've seen the morning paper?" "Oh, that." "Lies, ridiculous lies." "Now, Linda, I let you talk your way out of that other picture, but that's no joke sitting on that bed." "It's you." "Me?" "That's not me!" "Do you think I'd be caught dead in that cheap negligee?" "That's irrelevant." "In the picture I'm looking at, there's no corpse." "Eh..." "Good morning." "Uh..." "Good morning." "Uh..." "Jim, this is Mr. Petrov." "Mr. Petrov, this is Jim..." "Jim Montgomery, my fiancÃ©." "You've heard of Mr. Petrov, haven't you, dear?" "Yes." "Isn't he the man you were telling me about?" "Yes." "He's the one." "Yes, I'm the one." "Uh..." "I'm glad to see you, Mr. Montgomery." "Oh, Linda, the editor said he'd be very happy to retract his statement," " but... how about those pictures?" " Yes." "As I was saying, how about those pictures?" "Oh, yes." "How about those pictures?" "Now, Linda, I don't want to upset you or anything, but don't you think this is a poor time to announce our engagement?" "I mean, couldn't we wait until things get a little more straightened out?" "Oh, yes, Jim, of course." "It's only fair to you." "Glad to have met you, Mr. Petrov." "Me too, Mr. Montgomery." "Charming chap." "Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Linda, we... we'll manage this somehow." "But how?" "Mr. Petrov, the lobby's simply bursting with reporters." "They're on their way up." "What shall I do?" "Stall them off, Cecil." " We'll sneak down the freight elevator." " Yes, I'll stall them off." "Get dressed, I'll meet you in the park in 15 minutes." "Alright." "Let's go back." "I'm tired." "Gosh, I can't keep this up much longer." "I haven't been on skates since I was a kid." " It was your idea." " Yeah." "How much longer do we have to stay out here?" "Oh, the reporters will probably leave by dark." "I guess it would look kind of funny if we... denied the marriage now, wouldn't it?" "I don't know what to do." "I don't either." "The word is either." "Alright." "The word is either." "No use squabbling." "That'll get neither of us anyplace." "The word is neither." "Things have come to a pretty pass our romance is growing flat 'cause you like this and the other while I go for this and that." "Goodness knows what the end will be, oh, I don't know where I'm at, it's plain to see we two will never make one, something must be done." "You say either,and I say either, you say neither, and I say neither, either, either, neither, neither, let's call the whole thing off!" "You like potato, and I like pot-ah-to, you like tomato, and I like tom-ah-to, potato, pot-ah-to, tomato, tom-ah-to oh, let's call the whole thing off but oh, if we call the whole thing off then we must part" "and oh, if we have to part then that might break my heart, so if you like pajamas and I like pa-jah-mas, I'll wear pajamas and give up pa-jah-mas for we know we need each other so we" "better call the calling-off off oh, let's call the whole thing off!" "You say laughter, and I say laughter, You say after, and I say after, laughter, laughter, after, after let's call the whole thing off you like Havana, and I like Ha-vah-na, you eat banana, and I eat ba-nah-na," "Havana, Ha-vah-na, banana, ba-nah-na let's call the whole thing off." "But, oh if we call the whole thing off then we must part and, oh if we ever part then that might break my heart" "So if you like oysters and I like oysters, I'll take oysters and give up oysters, for we know we need each other so we better call the calling-off off, let's call the whole thing off!" "Yes, it was my idea." "Have you any more of them?" "No." "Read all about the secret marriage!" "Paper, read all about the secret marriage!" "Did you hear that?" "You know, we're about the only two people in the world who don't think we're married." "We don't think we're not." "We both know we're not." "Except me." "I'm beginning to have my doubts." "Don't tell me I have to convince you too that we're not married." "Well, we might just as well be." "We certainly can't afford to deny it in the face of those pictures." "No, I'm afraid not." "The only difference between us and other married people is that we can't even get a divorce." "If I really could get a divorce from you before I married Jim, that would put a stop to all these embarrassing falsehoods." "It certainly would." "Peter, you've got to marry me." "Why, Linda, this is so sudden." "If we get married now," "I could start divorce proceedings in the morning." "Well, I..." "I don't know." "You got me into all this." "The very least you could do is marry me." "It wasn't my fault any more than it was yours." "Alright, it's my fault." "But you've just got to marry me." "Well, now, I..." "I'd like to think it over." "But why?" "There's nothing to think over." "Alright." "But where can we get a license?" "Everybody in New York knows us now." " Why don't you try New Jersey?" " Thanks." "Name of the bride is?" "Uh..." "My, uh..." "My real name is Linda Thompson." "And the name of the groom is?" "Uh, Peter P. Peters." "I beg your pardon, but... what are grounds for divorce in this state?" "Marriage." "Good afternoon." "Oh, Lady Tarrington." "Your suite is ready." "Would you announce me to Mr. Petrov?" " Is Mr. Petrov expecting you?" " Oh, yes, indeed." "Room 2601." "I'll have you announced." "Petrov, where are you?" "Why didn't you telephone?" "Oh, it's not Petrov, it's the desk." "What do you want?" "Lady Tarrington." "Well, yes, have her come right up." "Did you say Lady Tarrington?" "Oh, my word, she can't come up here!" "Oh, n..." "Tell her to go back to Paris." "She's already on her way up?" "!" "Oh, it's calamitous." "Oh, dear." "Let me talk to the floor manager." "Cecil Flintridge speaking." "Oh, it's you, Mr. Baird." "How are you?" "That doesn't matter!" "Now, you stop asking questions and listen." "There is a woman on her way up here who started the whole silly rumor about Petrov's marriage." " Yes, I said rumor." " Did you say rumor?" "Yes, I said rumor!" "They are not married!" "Oh!" "Denise!" "Oh, it's you!" "So they are not married." "Yes." "Well, that is, not exactly." "No." "Well, my little journey is going to be more exciting than I thought." "Oh, dear!" "You..." "You're not going to..." "Oh, yes, indeed, I am." "That's Petrov now." "I don't wish to shilly shally, but I want to know once and for all" " is Petrov married or is Petrov not married?" "!" " Yes, he is not." "Thompson." "Change that lock!" "Gardenias, 10 cents." "Gardenias, 10 cents." "Right here, please." "A corsage for the bride." " It's all right." " Thank you, sir." "Well, tomorrow we'll be all straightened out." "You'll be on your way, and I'll..." "Be on my way." "Where?" "I'm gonna get back to being a bachelor again, sort of catch up with my usual gay life... forget all this." "I hope you enjoy your gaiety." "Thanks." "I hope you'll enjoy your divorce." "Thanks." "I didn't know getting married was so depressing." "I'm sorry now I asked you." "Oh, that's all right." "I'll get over it." "Oh, of course." "Our romance won't end on a sorrowful note though by tomorrow you're gone the song has ended but as the songwriter wrote the melody lingers on they may take you from me" "I'll miss your fond caress but though they take you from me" "I'll still possess the way you wear your hat the way you sip your tea the memory of all that oh, no, they can't take that away from me the way your smile just beams the way you sing off-key" "the way you haunt my dreams no, no, they can't take that away from me we may never, never meet again on the bumpy road to love but I'll always, always keep the memory of" "the way you hold your knife the way we danced till 3:00 the way you changed my life no, no, they can't take that away from me no they can't take that away from me" "Well.." "I guess the honeymoon's over." "Oh, wouldn't you like to come in for a drink?" "No, I..." "I don't think so." "Good night." "Well, maybe you'd prefer a cigarette or something." "Oh, no." "No, thanks just the same." "Well, I just want to thank you for everything." "You're welcome." "Well..." "Goodnight." "Oh, sorry." "It's way past my bedtime." "Goodnight, Linda." "Jeff?" "Oh, Jeff?" "Come in." "Oh, it's you, Cecil." "Yes." "May... may I come in?" "Well, isn't it way past your bedtime?" "Yes, but I haven't been able to sleep a wink." "I've been waiting up to see you." " To see me?" " Yes, I..." "I must acquaint you with the varying state of my mind." "It feels like a veritable pendulum, to and fro." "Then a moment later, it swings fro and to." "Tell me, miss Keene." "Are you Mrs. Petrov?" "Or should I say, Mrs. Petrov, are you miss Keene?" "I'll tell you, Cecil." "We... we are married." "Mrs. Petrov!" " My best congratulations!" " Thank you." "Oh, now I can go to bed with a clear conscience." "So can I." "Oh, Mrs. Petrov, I hope you will forgive me, but in the storm and stress of other circumstances," "I rather willfully changed the lock." "But may I present you with this?" "Shall we call it the new key to your happiness?" "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "Goodnight." "Come in." "Peter!" "Why, Denise!" "Look, you can't come in here." "Why?" "Afraid your wife will object?" "Yes." "Yes, exactly." "Oh, Peter, please." "Think of a new one." "Oh, but... but I'm married, really!" "Save your breath, Peter." "Jeffrey told me the truth." "But even Jeffrey doesn't know." "Are you sure your wife knows?" "Oh, please go away, will you?" "I don't believe you, and I won't budge under any circumstances." "Oh, Peter." "You're so worked up!" "And I love it." "Linda!" "Wait a minute!" "Yes, don't go." "Um..." "This is Lady Tarrington." "This is my wife, Mrs. Petr... miss Keene." "Oh, I've heard about you." "I hadn't heard about you." "Why have you been so secretive about this one, Peter?" "Oh, well.." "Well, I didn't... didn't think you'd be interested." "Oh, how silly of you." "I imagine Lady Tarrington is quite charming..." " when you get to know her." " Oh, yes, she is." "Well, I mean..." "Then you really are married to Peter?" "Oh, yes, really." "Do you mind?" "No." "But I do think it will be awfully pleasant if you would divorce him." "No." "I'm sure I'll never divorce him." "You know, you are a lot more intelligent than you look." "Why, thank you." "I wish I could say the same of you." "Goodnight." "Tai?" "!" "I'm sorry, Peter." "No, no, don't apologize." "You've really done me a great favor." "I certainly didn't mean to." " Well, bon voyage." " Are you going away?" "No, but I thought maybe you were." "I'll send for you, Tai." "Yes, miss Linda." " Good luck, Peter." " Thanks, Denise." "Linda?" "Linda, darling?" "She's gone." "May I come in just long enough to tell you how... how happy I am that you're not divorcing me?" "Linda?" "Linda!" "Well, at least tell me where you're going." "Alright, Linda, if that's the way you feel about it." "Good luck and bless you." " Now what?" " Linda." "She's walked out." "This time, for good." "For whose good?" "Not yours or your creditors." " Creditors?" " Yeah, creditors." "You know, the people who come up because the customers didn't?" "This is Arthur Miller." "Send up a case of champagne." " Arthur, have you heard from Linda?" " Yes, she just phoned." " Where is she?" "She wouldn't tell me, but she gave a message for you... something about a Lady Tarrington, and that she was going through with the divorce as planned." "Why didn't you do something to stop her?" "I'm all worn out stopping her marriage with Montgomery." "What d'you ever do to stop her marrying Montgomery?" "Don't you read the papers?" "I proved she was married to you so she couldn't marry him." " You proved?" " Yes." "You took those pictures?" "How?" "As long as Linda wasn't marrying Montgomery, thought I could get her in my revue." "But, no!" "You had to horn in." " So now I've lost her." " You mean I've lost her." "Petrov?" "Oh!" "You're here!" "Let me tell you..." "How do you do, miss Keene?" "You may be interested to learn that we have no show." " Shake hands with Arthur." "He hasn't either." " Oh, really?" "I'm glad." "I..." "The Metropolitan has canceled our engagement because of the scandalous notoriety occasioned by your association with that woman!" "Oh, my word, she's fainted!" "It's just a dummy." "I know she's a dummy." "I said so all along... a tap-dancing dummy." "Oh." "Oh!" "You mean a dumb dummy." "Of course." "That picture in the paper..." "Oh." "Well, you know where we are, don't you?" "We're right here in New York on a wild goose chase with a whole company of ballet artists and no show, and all because of you and your practical dummy jokes!" "Say, maybe Arthur and I could help you out." "Maybe we could use your boy in our show." "My what?" "What do you say, buddy?" "Suppose the boss and I could find a spot for you?" "You vandal, you vandal!" "Petrov, the great Petrov, in one of your cheap medicine shows?" "!" "What's the matter, Pete?" "You look worried." "I'm still trying to get an idea for the ballet." " There's just something missing." " Yeah, Linda Keene." "There's a man outside, wants to see Mr. Petrov." "He looks like a process server." "Shall I let him in?" "Nobody's to go near Petrov." "Those are my orders." " Yeah, but the man insisted if he don't see..." " Arthur!" " I'm gonna dance with Linda Keene." " Is she back?" "No, but that wax figure gave me an idea." "We'll have masks made to look like her." "If I can't dance with one Linda, I'll dance with dozens." "I think you've got something." "The man says if he don't see Mr. Petrov... you go out and tell the man you're Petrov." " Oh, like a game, you mean?" " Yes, like a game." "What's troubling you, my good fellow?" "Are you Peter P. Peters, known as Petrov?" "Ha." "What an amusing alliteration." "I am." "Here's a present for you." "Thank you very much." "Oh." "Now I begin to see the idea of the game." "Well, you see, I am not Peter P. Peters," " neither am I Petrov." " Oh, wise guy, eh?" "!" "Leave these premises at once!" "I'm waiting to speak with Mr. Arthur Miller." "Oh, well, I'll speak with Mr. Jeffrey Baird." "This is Cecil Flintridge." "Oh, yes, I'll wait." "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Jeffrey." "Yes, are you there?" "Of course, I'm here." "Now, don't shout at me." "I'm in jail." "Well, that's all right." "We don't need you." "I'm in jail for battery, and I want you to get me out." "I'm at the Susquehanna Street jail." "Susquehanna." "Susquehanna!" "S-u-s-q-u..." "Q!" "Q!" "You know, the thing you play billiards with." "Billiards!" "B-I-L-L..." "What is this, a spelling bee?" "!" "No, "L" for larynx." "L-A-R-Y-N..." "No, not "M", "N"!" ""N" as in neighbor!" "Neighbor!" "N-E-I-G-H-B..." ""B"!" ""B"!" "Bbbbbzzzzzzz!" "Bbbbbzzzzzz!" "You know, the stinging insect." "Insect!" "I-N-S..." ""S"!" ""S" for symbol!" "S-Y..." ""Y"!" "Oh! "Y"!" "Well, why?" "Don't ask me why!" "Look, Jeffrey, I'm in jail." "W... wait a minute." " What jail did you say this was?" " Susquehanna Street jail." "Thank you indeed." "Thank you very much." "I'm in the subsq..." "The subse..." "Jeffrey?" "Listen closely." "Do you know where the Oak Street jail is?" "You do?" "Fine." "I'll have them transfer me there in the morning!" "Oh!" "I insist that you give up this idea of making a spectacle of yourself." "Yes, miss Keene." "It was entirely unnecessary for you to return." " Our man will serve Petrov." " Your men have had their chance." "Besides, I'll derive a great deal of pleasure in serving this summons personally." " Linda!" "It was swell of you to come." " Hello, Arthur." "I want you to meet my attorney, Mr. Russell." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" "He said if he couldn't dance with you, he'd dance with images of you" "Arthur, take me backstage." "Why, Mrs. Petrov." "Or should I say miss Keene?" "Oh, hello." "You're back, eh?" "Well, what do you want?" "What's the matter, Cecil?" "Arthur, please." "Drop that long face, come on, have your fling" "why keep nursing the blues?" "if you want this old world on a string put on your dancing shoes, stop wasting time put on your dancing shoes watch your spirits climb!" "Shall we dance or keep on moping?" "Shall we dance and walk on air?" "Shall we give in to despair?" "Or shall we dance with never a care?" "Life is short, we're growing older, don't you be an also-ran you'd better dance little lady, dance little man, dance whenever you can!" "Otschi tschornyije." "They all said we'd never get together they laughed at us, and how, but ho ho ho who's got the last laugh now?"