"It's nice of the big guy to cook dinner for us." "Well, I don't know how good 'll be, but just put it in your mouth and pretend you're enjoying it." "Story of my life." "All right, ladies." "Hot meat coming at you." "Oh, my God." "It looks like the barn caught fire and nobody got out." "We got burgers, bratz and I threw in a couple of rib eyes for you gals that like your meat straight-up." "Are you going to say it or am I?" "I've been biting my tongue since "hot meat coming at you."" "Sweetie are you planning on serving any kind of vegetables, or, uh, does everything come from the petting zoo?" "No, hey, there's vegetables." "Pickles for the burgers, kraut for the dogs and farm-fresh tomatoes served in an easy-to-squeeze bottle." "This... this looks heart-stoppingly good." "Well, you ladies are always cooking for me, and I figured a little payback was in order." "Thank you." "Very sweet." "If the paramedics have to use the paddles on me, leave my blouse on." "I'm wearing an old bra." "I'll get it." "It's probably Peta." "Well, invite him in." "There's plenty." "Oh." "Mrs. Biggs." "What a surprise." "We love it when you drop by so very unexpectedly." "Let's be honest..." "if I hadn't put my finger over that peephole, we wouldn't be having this conversation." "We've... we've been meaning to come visit you, but I've been crazy at work, and with all the..." "The wedding planning..." " Mike!" " I get it." "People get busy, and some relationships don't make the cut." "And it's usually the groom's mother that gets the brown end of the stick." "If that means what I think it means, that's certainly not a good thing." "Would you..." "Would you like to sit down?" "I would, but my hemorrhoids are telling me to stand." "Mike!" "Mom, what are you ing here?" "I just came by to bring you a little treat." "You always loved your mommy's seven-layer cookies." "Oh, boy." "Hey, you want to come in?" "I was just getting ready to fire up some baby back ribs." "No, thanks." "I drank a cold can of chicken and stars before I came over." "Oh, that reminds me, I got to flip the drumsticks." "Mike, for the love of God, no more meat!" "Oh, God, he's grilling everything in sight." "You might want to hide Jim in the car." "I'm kidding." "Please, come in and..." "And have dinner with us." "No, no, I don't want anybody dragging a lawn chair in from the yard to make me feel like I'm on the guest list." "I just wanted to grab a passing glance at my boy and give you this." "Your seven-layer cookie recipe don't need it anymore." "His life is here with you people, and this way, you won't have to pry it out of my cold, dead hand." "We, thank you." "I'd never be able to make these the way that you do." "That's true." "Let me know when the wedding is." "Assuming I'm invited." "Oh, stop." "Of course you are." "We'll call you soon." "If I don't pick up, I'm not screening." "I'm probably dead." "Okay." "Well, let's hope that doesn't happen for a long, long..." "Oh, God, screw it." "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "these seven-layer cookies are delicious." "Each layer perfectly complements the next one." "Just when the coconut flavour starts to fade away, blam, hello, lady butterscotch." "Listen, honey, I-I hate to come between a man and his trans-fatty acids, but..." "Aren't you a little worried about your mom?" "Nah." "I doubt she'll circle back again tonight." "No." "She just seemed so sad." "I me, I-I think she really misses you." "You know what?" "I am going to call her right now and make plans for her next Sunday." "Ah, I hate giving up my Sundays." "That's the day I like to check things off my to-do list." "Your to-do list?" "Today, you sat on the couch and watched three football games." "Check, check and check." "Besides, when too much time goes by between visits, that crusty woman unleashes her wrath on me." "Hi." "Mrs. Biggs, it's Molly." "Well, I don't want anything." "It was just so great seeing you today, and I-I thought it would be nice if we, you know, planned a little get-together before too much time had passed." "Tomorrow?" "Uh, just you and me?" "Ugh." "I have to work all day..." "No, I'm not just shining you on." "Fine." "Do you like Chinese?" "Oh, I was actually referring to the food, but good to know." "She does not make this easy, does she?" "If it weren't for these cookies, I would put her in a home years ago." "You know, we didn't have to eat in the school cafeteria." "I would have been happy to meet you at a restaurant." "Hmm." "Pay an arm and a leg for cloth napkins and having some swish telling you where to sit?" "No, thank you." "Is there a gravy shortage, Petunia?" "They're a little understaffed." "Maybe if they paid a decent wage, right?" "I mean, am I right?" "Nothing's changed." "At Mikey's school for ten years." "It was nothing but a revolving door of transients and parolees." "What's your story?" "Work release or you tunnel out?" "Good behavior." "Okay." "Let's break up this coffee klatch, gals." "Um." ""Lynette..."" "What.." "What's the soup today?" "Cream of Broccoli." "Uh-huh... and I'm lady Gaga." "Okay, hey." "You know, I'm..." "I'm going to have that jell-o." "Can't go wrong there..." "it's see-through." "That way, you know for sure if sweet cheeks here tossed in a thumbtack or a rat turd." "I think it looks delicious and nutritious." "Hey, guys." "Hi, Molly." "I'd ask you to sit down, but we're kind of in the middle of something." "Oh, yeah, so are..." "So are we." "I just..." "Okay." "Bit of an icy reception at the cool kid table, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "Only that one woman, Rebecca." "We're both in line for the vice principal job, and she's just jealous and I'm a better teacher." "And that's not her real hair color." "Rug don't match the drapes, huh?" "Women don't really have rugs anymore, Peggy." "Dear lord, thank you for this food." "May it nourish me and give me the strength to get through my day without taking a handful of pills and swan-diving in front of an "l" train." "Amen." "So you seem good." "Everything okay?" "Well, we've all got our crosses to bear, but apparently, the good lord has made mine out of lead and covered it in fire ants." "But... whatever." "His will be done." "Well, you have been rough a lot lately." "I mean, with your boyfriend dying so suddenly and all." "Well, that's what men do..." "they leave." "Dennis left in a body bag, and Mike's dad left in a Chrysler imperial with his bowling trophy and a home-wrecking whore." "And I'm guessing you're also feeling a little abandoned by your son about now, too." "Oh, is that what this little lunch date is all about?" "What?" "Think you can wine and dine me with a two dollar government meal, then get me to spill my guts like it's "daddy touched me" week on Dr. Phil?" "Peggy, please, keep your voice down." "Let me tell you something..." "I may be old, lonely and heartbroken, cast aside by my own flesh and blood, but you'll never hear me complaining about it., oh, no." "You suffer in silence." "Damn right." "Peggy Biggs is not a bellyacher." "When life deals me a crap hand, I play it." "Aw, go..." "I can't eat this." "Hey, bright eyes." "Think you can rustle me up some hot sauce before you walk the green mile?" "She's going through the change." "Let's hope second time's a charm." "I know you said no more meat, but these pork chops followed me, me, me all the way home." "Well, you're not grilling them this Sunday, 'cause we're spending it with your mom." "You're kidding me." "I thought you jumped on that hand grenade with lunch." "I did." "It's your turn to take a little shrapnel." "You know, since you moved in here you hardly see her at all anymore." "I rush over there every time she calls, and it's usually just to check the bushes for skunks or peeping Toms." "By the way, in 15 years, one skunk, no peeping Toms." "Well," "I think she might appreciate you just dropping by for no other reason than you're her son and you love her." "I don't know... that might make her a little suspicious." "Well, here." "Take her cookie container back to her." "Aw, man!" "You guys ate all of 'em?" "I never got one." "Oh." "I tell you you look very pretty tonight?" "Who is it?" "It's me, Mike." "The only Mike I know is my son, and he's been MIA since he got a girlfriend, so hit the bricks, sicko." "Alright, mom, you made your point." "I feel terrible." "Now, open the door." "Sorry I didn't clean up, but I wasn't expecting company." "Ever!" "What's going on?" "You're sleeping on the couch now?" "Yeah." "Right next to my two best friends, the TV and the toilet." "And now you're letting Jim just eat from a 50-pound bag of dog food?" "Hey, if I die in my sleep, I figure that buys me about a week before he starts gnawing at my sweetbreads." "Geez, he's like a ham in a dog suit." "You should see the size of his stools." "The other day he had to lay on his side to finish." "All right, mom, listen to me." "I realize I've been very remiss as a son lately." "I don't blame you, boy" "I understand you got a woman now, and she's dragging you around by your tickle stick." "Okay." "I promise I'll come around more." "But you gotta meet me halfway." "The Arby's on Cicero?" "No!" "I mean you gotta pull yourself together." "You can't just mope around the house all the time." "Pretty soon Jim's legs won't be long enough to keep his wiener off the ground." "Oh..." "Hush, now, he's very self-conscious about his weight." "The point is, you're a strong woman;" "A survivor." "And it breaks my heart to see you wallowing in self-pity." "That's because you don't know what 's like to wake up" "And feel so all alone." "You're right, I don't." "I've always had an amazing woman in my life, taking care of me." "And nobody's ever going to replace her." "Aw, I'm just an old, tired broad, ready for the scrap heap." "Don't talk that way." "You didn't roll over and give up when dad left." "Maybe you should think about getting a job again." "Meet new people." "You know, have someplace go every day?" "And do what?" "Sweep hair at the Supercuts?" "Read to the geezers at the old folks' home?" "Hand out samples of summer sausage to the moochers at the grocery store?" "All I'm saying is, you still got a lot to offer." "I am good with people." "You do have a gift." "Hey, do you need any help around the police station?" "No!" "We do not." "But I'm sure, somewhere, there's a place that you'd fit right in." "Hmm." "What's in the chef's stew?" "So far, I've fished out two cigarette butts and a shoelace." "What do you think?" "You want to roll the dice?" "Yeah." "I think it's a great idea for your mom to start working again." "That's why I let my grandma do little odd jobs for me." "It keeps her young." "Well, she must feel like a teenager when she's laying under your truck changing the oil." "Yeah." "It's worth the 20 bucks I give her just to see that happy, greasy smile on her face." "Oh, it's Molly." "Hey, sweetie, what's going on?" "Really?" "My mom got a job at Molly's school." " That's great!" " That's great." "It's not?" "It's not great." "Meatball sub..." "Bacon double cheeseburger." "Uh, no, no." "Those are for Carl." "Bacon double cheeseburger." "I only eat meat on the weekends." "I'm having cottage cheese and sliced peaches." "I can't be a part of this." "Well, look, you're the one that told me to go spend time with my mom." "If it's followed by something horrible, then that's on you, isn't it?" "Samuel, can I get an iced tea with one splenda?" "Order me a chocolate milkshake, this is gonna take a while." "Really?" "So you have no idea why I wasn't invited to that faculty meeting?" "None." "The e-mail should have gone out to everybody." "But you're the one that sends the e-mails out." "Everyone else got it." "Do you know how to work your e-mail?" "Yes, I do." "And your address is still jollymolly77?" "Close. "Cubfan4."" "My bad." "It will not happen again." "Thank you." "Cafeteria's downstairs." "I know where it is." "I got sloppy Joe in my hair." "You missed out on my fresh brownies today." "You ran out of that cafeteria like a Mexican chasing a soccer ball." "No, I just had to make a quick phone call." "Well," "I brought you some premium wedges." "Figured you could take some home to the boy." "That's sweet, Peggy." "I appreciate it." "Mind if I join you?" "Uh... sure." "I usually put in a swirl of peanut butter, but apparently, now, every kid in the world can't even look at a nut without his head swelling up like a ballpark Frank." "Yeah, peanut allergies are actually pretty serious thing." "That's because we're raising a generation of thin-skinned sissies." "I hear they don't even keep score at sporting events anymore well, they don't want the kids to go home and feel like a loser." "Some of them are losers." "And the sooner they embrace that, the less chance they'll be crouching in a bell tower with a high-powered rifle and a picture of the president." "Wow." "Well, if at all possible, we-we try not to refer to the students as losers." "I've heard you say worse." "I was kidding, and that was at home, and that was before you and I had a professional relationship, which is the type of relationship we should maintain while we're on schoolgrounds." "Oh, I get it." "Professor high horse doesn't want to be seen with Lola the lunch lady." "No, no, that's not what I'm saying." "I'm just not comfortable with my personal life mixing with my professional life." "Don't worry." "From now on, I'm just a faceless slop jockey." "Come on, you don't need to be so dramatic about it." "Hey." "That's the way it is." "Lunch ladies are invisible." "But on the plus side," "I hear little kids talking about cheating on tests, teachers talking about cheating on their spouses..." "Um, what's that?" "All I'm saying is that chippy I saw crossing out of here sure is playing with fire." "Rebecca?" "!" "What are you talking about?" "She's not married." "No, but the principal is." "She's doing it with the principal?" "You didn't hear that from me, and I didn't hear it from the janitor." "Well, I better shimmy back down the totem pole." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, what are you...?" "What are you doing?" "I thought we were gonna..." "Have some brownies." "Doesn't strike me as very professional." "Oh, come on, we're both off the clock and we're... family." "Mom?" "Wait, are you saying that distribution of school funds is decided by the principal's secretary?" "Not officially." "But she's definitely the blue-haired puppet master." "Because she's got the skinny on her boss." "And by skinny, I mean photos." "Get out." "What do you hear about the vice principal job?" "Am I still the front runner?" "Ah, that's enough shop talk for one day." "We can gab more on Sunday, when you and Mikey come over for dinner." "Oh." "Sunday." " Mm, gosh, I think..." " I'll make a roast, and we can discuss you and Mikey having a church wedding." "We weren't planning on church wedding." "And I wasn't planning on serving goulash while wearing a wire." "But if you want to dance, you got to pay the Fiddler." "I want to dance." "Oh, my God." "Hey." "I think Jim's back down to his fighting weight." "He just took a dump so big I thought it was another dog." "By the way, I talked to the priest at St. Bartholomew's, and you're good to go." "Wait, we're having church wedding?" "When did that happen?" "Since I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior." "And you know, our little get-togethers don't have to be just on a Sunday." "Really?" "My wednesdays are pretty free, too." "Okay, Peggy..." "I'm giving up wednesdays, dinner better be extra juicy." "Oh, yeah." "And afterwards, we can look at some pictures." "Ooh." "Wednesday it is." "You know, I bowl on wednesdays." "Not anymore, you don't."