"Previously on Accidentally on Purpose." "I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly younger than m and I just need to know if the situation is empowering or desperate." "Is he over 18?" "Yeah." "Empowering!" "I'm justot a one-night-stand kind of person." "I just never do things like this." "(clanging) (gasps) this is the spot where we..." "Your first pregnancy test." "That's adorable." "Yay!" "No!" "I think you should stay with me." "I don't want to complicate your life." "Why stop now?" "miss you." "You should miss me." "I'm fantastic." "Remember our whole boundaries conversation?" "Yeah, but when you said "don't touch my stuff,"" "I thought you meant like your soy milk and your computer." "No, I meant don't touch mystuff!" "Baby?" "Yeah, she's having my baby." "Cool, huh?" "What?" "I've got to update my Facebk status." "Are people staring at me because I just broke up with the boss and accidental got impregnated by a 22-year-old on a futon?" "Or-- and this is the one I want you to say-- because my hair turned out all bouncy and fun?" "Actually, people are staring 'cause you've got a great big hunk of cream cheese on your boob." "Ugh!" "So, what's it like living with the little impregnator?" "You know, it's a little awkwar" "Fresh coffee in the kitchen." "Ooh..." "Whoops." "Hey, look at you!" "He's got a great personality." "Oh!" "Oh, ok, here's old cock-a-doodle-doo now!" "Hey." "Hey!" "So, newspaper, huh?" "This is where they printhe lies!" "I wanted to bring your key back." "I got a copy made." "Okay." "Well, Zack, Davis, thank you for coming by." "Now perhaps you should go, 'cause last time you dropped in..." "JAMES:" "Great!" "This guy's back." "...that happened." "Hod you get in here?" "You didn't get my security guard pregnant, too, did you?" "I was just dropping off Billie's key because..." "Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!" "...we're living together." "Oh, no, he didn't!" "Olivia, would you kindly... ?" "Get t!" "Go!" "You make me sick!" "Bye, baby, see you in our love cave." "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "Oh, love cave." "These kids and their ill-tid jokes." "It's platonic." "Look, we may not be together anore, but I still carebout you." "I mean, who is this kid?" "Where's he from?" "Seattle." "What's his dad do?" "Architect." "Siblings?" "Four:" "Meg, Tom, Bill and Rosie." "Well, it sounds ke you have everything under control." "Hey, how come you didn't tell me ese things about Zack?" "Because it's not true!" "just rattled stuff off from Sleepless in Seattle." "I don't actually know where he's from." "During ourling, we didn't get into a lot of deep conversation." "(sighing):" "Oh, that rocked." "Oh, I'd kill for a meatball hero!" "You just gave that guy your key!" "They do a bett background check when you move into a crackhouse!" "Hey, here's an idea." "How about I get know the father of my baby?" "(knocking on door)" "Hi, roomie, what you doing?" "Just smiling." "(gasps) Oh, my God, you're in the middle of going downtown on the alone train." "My bad." "No, I wasn't, I wasn't." "Anyway, what's up?" "Um, well, I wanted to ta to you about something so crazy and funny that I rlized-- you know what is so funny and crazy?" "" "I don't know where you're from." "Where are you from?" "You know, we shoultotally, totally have this conversation but I've actually got a bunch of stuff to do around town, so..." "So do I!" "We can go together and lk about your parents." "Uh, anks, but I'm good." "It's kind of personal, is that okay?" "Okay." "Fantastic." "Cool." "I'll respect the hell out of that." "I wonder why Zack wouldn't tell you anything." "Oh, I had a dream he told you he was from ." "Louis." "If I'm right, then the rest of my dream will also come true, which means I will get an e-mail from Michelle Obama!" "Guys, I did a very bad thing." "Oh, what now?" "I tossed his room." "You d not!" "(gasping)" "Oh, but I did." "tossed it like a prison guard looking for crack." "I'm asmed to be your sister." "What'd you find?" "I founthis picture, which I've never seen before taken the night we met athe bar." "I found it in a mysterious pile of parking tickets which he kept in a secreve pizza box." "Does the back of my hair always look that flat?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "This picture was taken before you two met." "How do y know that?" "I'm a journalist." "I know all the tricks of the trade." "Plus, the clock on the wall on the bar behind you says 7:26." "Right." "So, on top of it, I found this note." ""Dear Billie, this is hard to say."" "And that's it." "That's creepy, right?" "Yeah!" "The only way that could be creepier is if it was written in blood." "We need facts." "That's what reporters get, facts." "No, you're right." "This kid is the father of my baby." "Oh, my God!" "The kid is the father of my baby." "Right, we need to go down to this bar right now and get to the bottom of things." "You just wt to have a martini." "Yeah, there is some truth in that." "What's this guy's name again?" "Zack." "He's super cute." "He hangs out with this guy that oks like a hipster caveman." "Davis,eah, yeah." "They were in here playing some game they just made up." "It's called bar stool roulette." "All right,ou're going to close your eyes, we're going to spin you around." "Now, whoever you take a picture of, you got to try and nail." "Wait, wait, wait whoa, what if it's a dude?" "Just look terested in what he's saying." "Guys love that." "(groans)" "Okay, stop!" "(clicks)" "Yes!" "Hot!" "Blonde!" "I'm into it." "Come on!" "It would have been so much betterf it was a dude." "Oh, it was fate." "I was the prize on Wheel of Horny." "Do youemember anything else?" "I think they were celebrating something with the pictu guy." "Well, I'm having a baby with that guy." "Something good happened." "Why didn't he tell me?" "My article's not due till tomorrow." "Let's just go shakedown that little hedgehog he hangs out with and get some answers." "Good idea." "I like it." "Three ladies, shaking it down." "Hot on the trail." "Getting so answers." "One of them a pregnant mes Bond." "One of them loose and Scottish." "The ird... has flat hair." "BILLIE:" "Hello?" "So, this is the place Zack seduced you?" "Yes, yes, it is." "I feel really good about myself right now." "What does the master bedroom look out over?" "Hell?" "I think it's charming." "I love these kitschy, little coasters." "Oh, that's bologna." "(toilet flushes)" "I knew this would happen." "So h do you guys want to do this?" "All at once or one at a time?" "Sorry to barge in, Davis." "But, um, look, I washinking about surprising Zack for his birthday and..." "Oh, my God-- are you seriously eating that?" "I didn't know when his birthday is." "So I didn't just, like, miss it-- did I?" "I don't know." "He was born in the Year of the Rat, though." "I learned that off a placemat at a Chinese restaurant." "Me?" "The Year of the Tiger." "Oh..." "I'm a monkey!" "Focus." "Okay, but that night, it seemed like you we celebrating something." "What would that something be?" "Tell mthat." "I want to know that." "Oh, yeah, yeah-- the night at the bar." "Well, my favorite part was definite... the next morning." "(gasps)" "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Look, that hooker'sstill moving!" "Get her!" "Got her." "Good." "Oops, rgot the cellular." "Which I'm going to need if I'm going to find anothelucky lad to have casual sex with." "I'm kidding." "I am a nice lady." "Actually, I never dotuff like this." "Oh, lying in some miscellaneouliquid." "Okay." "Dude, e was sexy as hell." "rning, porn star." "That's right" "Aw, sweet, she left her number." "HereDavis." "This is what a girl's phone number looks like." "She left all seven digits." "Dude!" "Zack, none of us have ever gone past the dirty 30." "So what was that like?" "It was different." "Like..." "All access different?" "I'm not going to tell you that." "Almost, it was dark." "Come on, man." "I'm-a need more details." "I mean, you banged her on my futon." "It was, uh..." "it was awesome." "She was confident and specific." "And bossy." "She took my hands and put them places." "Not the places you think." "There's other places, you guys." "That's hot." ""Billie Chase."" "Well, you know what?" "Cheers, bro." "This was the perfect way to celebrate you finally getting up off your ass, nning up and turning in your application for..." "Application for what?" ""Application for what?"" "You just said, "application for..."?" "What?" "Just answer me this:" "Is hfrom St. Louis?" "OkayI'm starting to get the idea that you guys didn't ce here just to hang out with me." "You know wha Screw it." "I found this note in his room." "What is so hard for him to say to me?" "(chuckles nervously)" "Maybe I should just put a bag over your head, drive you to the middle of the woods and we can talk there?" "Look, why dot you guys just hassle Zack over this, okay?" "I have to get to work now, so, uh..." "Call me, Australian lady." "(knocking at door)" "DAVIS:" "It's me, Davis." "Open up!" "Hey." "Is that Billie's thigh thingy?" "I guess so." "Can I have that?" "What, why are you here?" "She's on to you, man." "Her and her fancy lady pos were in my apartment sexually hassing me and stealing my bologna." "What?" "Why?" "She knows!" "e knows about the application!" "I don't know how, but she knows." "And did you start writing her some candy-ass note?" "Wait, how do you know about that?" "She was in your room, man." "She probably knows you got into food college in Baltimore." "The Culinary Academy in New York." "Are you really busting my balls about specifics right now?" "Aw, crap." "You know, I should've just tolher this morning." "And now, she's going to be all pissed, and I don'even think I'm going." "But it's your dream." "Butter and whisks and big, white hats..." "So you can be like Ratatouille." "Hello." "What do you want?" "Yeah?" "Here to spread your lies with your big lie machine?" "Actually, I do enjoy the word jumble." "I think I'd be really good at writing those." "Are you finished?" "You mean, am I "if-nished"?" "I'm so sorry." "Where's Billie?" "She's not here." "What do you want?" "Okay, well..." "You seem like an okay kid." "I think you might ha got yourself in a situation here where you're in a litt bit over your head." "llie's important to me." "Yeah, she's important to me, too." "Me, too." "I really love her." "Look, I was in your position, I'd be freaked out and I'm a successful businessman." "ok, you know what?" "I'm impressed by your success and your job and your... jawline." "But I don't need to take any advice from you." "Do you have any idea how much it costs to raise a kid?" "$342,000." "Does that include the shoes?" "Look, don't worry abt it, okay?" "I got it under contr." "Really?" "'Cause you look a little rattled to me." "Can you believe that guy?" "Yeah." "He's like a really handsom Darth Vader." "I wonder where Zack is." "He hasn't talked to you yet?" "Talked to mebout what?" "Huh... this is uncomfortable, and I haven't even put the speculum in yet." "What?" "What could be more uncomfortable than the spelum?" "Well, Zack stopped by earlier and told me he was moving out of town." "Wh?" "Well, that explains his behavior this morning." "The half-written ne." "The anxiety attack I'm out to have." "Whoa, take it easy." "Take-- just breathe, okay?" "Remember, child birth is a lot more painful." "What do you mean he was "leaving town"?" "Wh did he say?" "Hey, Doc." "I'll take a split pea soup, extra crackers." "What?" "Oh, Zack." "Sorry." "thought you were the soup guy." "Uh, I-I came by to give you this." "A car sh coupon?" "No, it's, it on the back." "It's my medical history." "I'm leaving for culinary school." "And Billie told me that she could do this on her own and..." "Yoknow what?" "That's probably a good idea, because her "douchey" ex-boyfriend got me thking that I'm in way over my head." "Well, "douchey" ex-boyfriends are known for their wisdom." "Uh, right." "So..." "Um, anyway, my medical history" " I tried to think of everythg." "Your uncle has an extra finger?" "lls it a "cigar claw."" "I'll put it on Billie's cht." "Oh, uh, before you go." "Uh, let's see." "Oh, yeah." "Here." "It's a picture of your k." "Thanks." "(woman screams) Sorry!" "Looking good!" "Wow." "I'm sorry." "I don't really know what's going to make me feel better right now, but I'm going to start by putting on my pants." "Well, if it's any comfort, I'm still here for you." "And I'll make you th promise:" "I'll be here when that baby's born." "Unless it's during the Kentucky Der." "Um, if it's during the Kentucky Derby," "Seriously?" "It w on the thing you signed." "Well, you know what?" "I think this is great." "What?" "Yeah, I mean, better he leaves now than when the baby's out and can kn her daddy abandoned her." "And I can't think how this could be bett." "Come on, sis." "I'll make you some tea." "You know what goes good with tea?" "A whole bucket of frosting" "And maybe an entire ham." "Oh, my God." "Come on, you've never eaten an entire ham before?" "Hey." "Hey." "He's back!" "Everything's better!" "Shh!" "Uh, can I talk to Billie for a sec?" "Now, you just remember, I'm on the end of the phone." "Except my battery's dead, soou just give me a little e-mail." "What a day, huh?" "(groans)" "Itas interesting." "learned about the pizza box filing system, culinary school," "Uncle Cigar Claw." ", yeah." "Well, if you ever meet him, try not to stare at it." "So I guess it comes do to this:" "are you staying or going?" "Well, I was going, but then..." "I was driving along, and I had this epiphany." "never finished the milkshake from the other day." "And then I saw the picture of the baby and I thought about you." "And there was nothing thgt could stop me from turning that van around... except a parked car." "(tes screeching, crashing)" "I left a note." "Actually three notes." "I hit three cars." "How come you never menoned culinary school?" "I..." "I don't know." "I figud I'd never get accepted." "I mean, it took me a year just to work up the nerve to send in the application." "And then I got a letter saying I got in." "Well, look, I don't want to be the thing that keeps you from doing what you really want to do." "No, this, this is what I want to do." "It's just really hard for me to say." "Um..." "I'm scared that I'm going toisappoint you and the baby." "And did you know it costs $34200 to raise a kid, and that may not include shoes?" "You're looking at it from the time it's bn until it turns 18." "And our kid could go barefoot." "Though not in Davis's apartment." "And I'm sced, too." "Yeah." "How about this?" "Let's just take it one scary thing at a time." "ay?" "That is if you're staying." "Yeah, I am." "Good." "Yeah." "And me." "Oh, I guess I should give you ts back." "Sobar stool roulette, huh?" "Not exactly something m going to tell the baby." "Oh, you n't know the whole story about that." "*" "You cheated!" "Of course I did." "See the woman in that picture?" "Wouldn't you want to get her pregnant?" "That is the sweetest thing." "And I was actuly saving this picture so I could show the baby the first night I met its mother." "I take it back;" "that is the sweetest thing." "Can I tell you something else?" "Yeah." "Stay the hell out my room." "You got it." "When's the Kentucky Derb" "First Saturday in May." "Why?" "No reason." "Oh!" "Man. one scary problem at a time." "One scary problem at a time." "Hey, I was thinking, if that cigar cl thing is hereditary, let's just leave it." "'Cause if we could get him to hold a cigar when he's a baby, that'll be hilarious, right?" "Right?" "Zack?" "Zack?" "(gasps)" "Oh, good." "You're here." "Of course I am." "Is this going to happen every time Irush my teeth?"