"...I got my show clothes, make sure that Brian sends out my trunk, and, uh, the avocados." "Oh, for God's sakes, Hank, you're not goin' off to college, you know." "You're spending a week with a family in wisconsin." "Jeez, it's just a bit." "Yes, but a bit with enormous spin-off potential." "Why should Charles kuralt have a monopoly on this kind of shit?" "Hank, Charlie's no longer with us." "I know, that's what I'm saying." "It's..." "it's wide open." "We're back with, uh, steven wright, of course, steven, who is... oddly enough..." "I just realized when I said steven wright, you were actually to my right." "It's a good thing your name isn't steven left because I'd be looking this way." "So..." "yeah." "You're gonna be in town all week?" "Uh, probably, yeah." "Good, and, uh..." "yeah?" "Anything special going on?" "Well, I was at a, uh, benefit at the planetarium... last night and, uh..." "yeah." "Stephen hawking was mad at me 'cause I took his parking space, and..." "I said to him," ""don't you have better things to think about?"" "So, are you a boston red sox fan?" "Well, I go to lots of the games, uh-huh." "I follow the team regularly, yeah." "I love going to fenway park..." "I do not consider myself a fan." "I don't want to be labeled." "Have you ever learned, um, a foreign language?" "Yes, I'm studying Italian." "Really?" "I've been studying Italian for years because I have to study it 'cause I eventually want to teach it." "Yeah?" "Uh, are you raising horses?" "Am I raising horses?" "Absolutely." "Someone said you were raising horses." "Absolutely." "I've been raising horses for years." "They're getting taller and taller, and, um, it's goin' great." "You should come over sometime." "We'll watch them." "Horses are a fabulously interesting animal." "They're one of the only species named that." "Why don't we take a break, and, uh, we'll come, uh, right back." "No flipping." "Very, very funny." "Both of you." "Do you know where beverly is?" "Beverly, are you OK?" "Yes." "You know, I did that once." "I lost 15 pounds, but I gained it all back." "I'm not bulimic." "Come on, beverly, this isn't the first time this week" "I've been here while you're doing that." "I'm pregnant, all right?" "Oh, my God." "Congratulations." "Who's the father?" "I don't want to discuss it." "It's not Larry, is it?" "Close?" "It was a guest, all right?" "You're kidding." "Who?" "Never mind who it was." "We're not seeing each other anymore, and, Mary Lou, I would appreciate it if you didn't let anybody know about this, OK?" "Of course." "I keep thinking it's Martin lawrence." "Naw, he's too wild." "His idea of a first date is driving into a tree." "Oh, no, beverly likes wild men." "I know things you guys don't want to know about Richard mulligan." "Who?" "Well, what about human-interest guests?" "Well, if you're gonna throw some money down on the potato chip lady, go for it." "No, I was thinking the log man." "David copperfield." "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, because he's tired of fucking Claudia schiffer." "OK, enough of this mumbo jumbo." "I just want to make a straight bet, 50 bucks, Billy dee Williams." "My man Sid." "Oh, that is so 1970s." "Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me... and Phil." "Beloved Larry would like you to take another pass at the Richard Simmons space shuttle skit." "What's wrong with it?" "I believe the word "bad" was bandied about." "What are you hiding over there?" "Uh, no, we just have this little pool going." "Oh, for God's sake." "Show some decency." "This is beverly." "Jimmy caan?" "No way." "He's still tied up in court." "Once again, time to check in with Hank who is staying with the schmidts in racine, wisconsin, and I think, Hank, you're making an apple pie or something?" "You want to be real liberal with the cinnamon." "A lot of people don't know Hank used to work at the house of pies before he worked here." "And... voilá, that is how you make grandma Kingsley's famous apple pie." "looks good." "Grandma was from russia." "Uh, minsk, I believe." "She came over here with dad and the twins." "Uh, and, uh, you know, she was the, uh, first one, uh, in her neighborhood to own a minsk coat." "I think he means "mink."" "No, she was from minsk." "Now, um, as you know, Larry, obviously, we don't have time to bake this particular pie, so I thought ahead, and... sorry, and, um... and I, uh..." "I put this in the oven, and so now we can check out the, uh, the finished product." "Smells good from here, if I may say." "As you can see, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, um, crust is, uh, is, uh, tender... flaky..." "Hank?" "Yeah?" "Hank, I'm no expert on pies, but that one looks like it needs to go back in for another 3 or 4 hours." "You forgot to turn the oven on." "Why don't you put your head in there, Hank?" "See if it's working." "Why don't we, uh, take a break, and we'll be, uh, right back." "No flipping." "That's it, that's it." "That's it, that's it." "The show is over." "I'm turning into bud melman." "What?" "What did we do?" ""What did we do?" "What did we do?"" "Uh, please, everyone, could you sit down?" "Come on, come on, sit down, sit down." "Uh, OK, let's go..." "let's go over this again." "The premise of this bit is" "Hank moves in with a bunch of yokels, not a bunch of yokels make Hank look like... an asshole!" "Anyway, thanks for being here tonight." "I know it went quickly." "I can't believe this is an hour-long talk show myself." "Tonight, didn't it seem more like 54 minutes?" "Sleep well and, uh, I'll see you tomorrow." "My guests will be eriq la salle, Drew carey, and Michael bolton." "Who can sleep?" "I won't be able to sleep." "It's one of those guys!" "Shh!" "Everybody calm down." "We didn't hear a thing." "Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow wow, wow, wow." "3 Queens." "Oh, shit." "Shit." "Oh, shit, shit." "Shit!" "Ohh... sorry, russ, lady luck just gave me a blow job." "No." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Mmm." "Aw, man." "I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." "Get get 'em, big guy." "He was drinking again." "He was doing so well." "91 days." "Hey." "Come on, enough of that." "I just don't know what to do anymore." "He's not the man I married." "All right, come on, come on." "Enough of that." "Come on." "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "Oh, you're here." "Yes." "You want something?" "Oh, no." "Uh, well," "I was just looking for a protein shake, actually." "Oh." "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "Your protein shake." "No, that's OK." "I'm sorry." "Well, don't worry about it." "I'll get it." "Oh, no, I'll get it." "No, um, just, um, give me..." "give me 15 minutes." "You know, I just..." "what if... this is a great idea, I think." "Maybe you should come in a few minutes early each morning, and then you could make some protein shakes, and then, you know, there they'd be." "You want me to come in even earlier?" "Sure, or late." "You could stay late." "You know, whichever works out best." "Larry, I'm in this office already for 12 hours." "If you think I'm gonna come in even a minute early," "I think you're out of your mind, because I have a life, OK?" "Excuse me, folks." "It's that time." "Hey." "Pardon me, beverly." "Let's go, kiddo." "What the fuck was that about?" "What is..." "what is going on?" "Larry, she's pregnant." "Who?" "Beverly." "Well, why didn't, um... she tell me?" "Well, we thought she should, but she didn't, 'cause, you know, she didn't want to hurt your feelings." "You know how close you two are." "Well, we are close." "Is she married?" "No." "Is she dating someone?" "Not that I know of." "Well, who is it?" "It's one of tonight's guests." "Drew carey, eriq la salle, Michael bolton?" "Eriq." "Hey, thanks for coming to do the show." "Appreciate it." "Yeah, thank you, Larry." "Good." "Everything all right?" "Need anything?" "No, no, no, everything's fine." "Any problems?" "Great food." "OK, good." "Good, good, 'cause if anything needs to be taken care of, let me know." "Yeah, no, I'm fine." "Happy to see you." "We'll talk about Italy, and we'll talk a little bit about, uh, whatever." "Yeah, whatever you want to talk about, I'm open, man." "Great." "Whatever." "Something wrong?" "No." "Everything's cool." "I'm just sorting' some shit out here, you know." "Anything I can help with?" "No, it's... well, you know... whenever I've had a problem," "I always tried to do the thing that seems that I'm most afraid of." "You think I should leave E. R?" "E. R?" "Welcome back." "Of course, uh, every night we've been checking in with Hank, who is living with the Schmidt family in racine, wisconsin, and let's see how he's doing today." "Hi, Hank." "How are you doing?" "Fine, Larry, how are you today?" "Good." "Is that a feather duster you're holding there?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "Oh, that's a relief." "So you're gonna be doing a little housework today, huh?" "That's right, because when you win a week with Hank, you get a full range of services." "I said, when I got back, I wanted you gone." "All right." "Did you hear me?" "I want him out of here now." "He can take his whore with him, OK?" "Looks like a delightful place the schmidts have." "I can't find any of this..." "I can't find any of this on the page." "Now I understand that you've also been working out?" "Yeah." "I went to join the Warner bros." "Gym." "Yeah." "And, uh, the guy, the first thing he tells me is you have to learn to listen to your body." "Mm-hmm." "Like, how do you think my body got like this in the first place?" "Listen to your body." "Gimme a porno tape and a pizza." "Ah, comin' right up." "Yes, o best body, I obey." "Don't ever listen to your body." "That's a big mistake." "I don't listen to my body." "Don't." "No, I don't listen to my body, but then, honestly, yeah?" "I don't think it ever tries to say anything." "Now, you're from cleveland, right?" "Yeah." "You did that big song about cleveland." "Right, "cleveland rocks." And you're from cleveland?" "Right." "So you must be a big cleveland indians fan." "Huge cleveland indians fan, yeah." "The only thing is that, you know, every year, it's tough being a cleve..." "'cause you have to wear the logo, the Chief ohio logo, and there's a few people don't like it, 'cause... 'cause, yeah, nobody has a logo about 'em." "Chef boyardee, aunt jemima, fightin' Irish." "'Cause all I can tell you, if you're an American indian, and you're offended by the logo, all I can tell you is, hey, you should have fought harder." "Now did you ever hear of this one?" ""If women ran the country, there would be no war."" "Yeah, I'm sure no one would start a fight for no reason at all if women ran the world." "Why don't we take a..." "let's go out on that, 'cause, you know, then I can forward the letters right to you." "We'll be right back." "Uh, no flipping." "No flipping." "Hilarious." "Thanks, man." "Really funny." "I wish we could have talked more about your personal life." "Yeah, but you mention one hooker, you gotta mention 'em all." "You never think they could be so territorial, but Jesus Christ." "Hey, uh, I'm working on a new bit." "Tell me what you think of this for Vegas." "Great to be here at caesars." "I've only been here a day." "I'm already up 10 grand." "Of course, I had to let a fat arab fuck me up the ass, but, hey." "I heard you like black women." "Is that true?" "L..." "I like 'em all." "Yeah, I mean, really?" "I think women are like snow flakes, you know, you have to have... are you fucking my secretary?" "No, you want me to?" "No, no, no, no, no, I don't." "I just know that it's Drew carey." "Right." "Good choice." "Good choice." "...eriq la salle!" "I'll take eriq la salle." "I'll take Michael bolton." "Good to see you." "Good to see you." "Have a seat." "Nice to have you here." "Sorry we kept you so long." "The show has gone very long, thanks to Hank." "So tell me about how your character's coming along on E.r." "Um, he... basically messed up and got his girlfriend pregnant, and they had a baby." "Talk about human, right?" "Uh, hey, uh, beverly." "Yes?" "Listen, uh, Larry told me that we might hit it off, so I thought maybe you'd like to go out to dinner with me." "I'm pregnant." "Hey, the more, the merrier." "Well?" "I don't think it's la salle." "It's not Drew carey." "That leaves one man:" "Pretty boy." "Yeah, you know singers." "They're just a pair of lungs with a dick." "All right." "Get going." "OK." "We're back, and, uh, my next guest is, of course, very popular." "We're lucky to, um, have him." "His new cd is called all that matters, and, uh, please give a warm welcome to Michael bolton." "Michael bolton." "* I've got this something to tell you * * there ain't no doubt in my mind *" "* all I'm asking is to keep you near forever * * just till the end of time *" "beverly." "Beverly." "Beverly, wait." "Beverly, beverly, I want to talk to you." "Oh, now you want to talk." "I left that message for you 4 days ago, eriq." "look, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I didn't return your call, OK?" "Well, I just called you to tell you that I'm pregnant." "Yes!" "Thank you!" "You... whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Beverly." "Um, whoa." "look, I'm..." "I'm sorry, you know." "I've been directing this film, and my mind has just been all... w-w-w-wait a minute." "L..." "I just told you that I'm pregnant, and this is how you react?" "You're directing a film?" "No, no, no, no, look, I'm just trying to sort through this thing because I'm trying to do the right thing here." "Let me help you out there." "Just keep on doing what you have been nothing, because I can raise this baby just fine without you." "Uh, no, beverly, beverly, I'm... bev... eriq." "Yeah, that's real mature." "* you know you got my deepest devotion * * just keep givin' me, just keep on givin' me * * the best of love, best of love * * best of love, baby * * ain't nothin' better *" "* the best of love, baby * * whoo-hoo * * keep on givin', baby * * the best of love, best of love * * best of love, baby * * ain't nothin' sweeter, baby *" "Michael bolton." "Great, thanks for being here." "Have a seat, have a seat." "My God, that was great, and I love the new haircut." "It's fantastic." "Thanks, thanks." "Still get the phantom tangle." "Why don't we take a break." "We'll be right back." "No flipping." "Nice song." "Thanks." "Thanks." "Beautiful." "Nice picture." "Thanks very much." "What's the name of that..." "what's the name of that song?" "It's called "the best of love."" "Right." "That's a nice one." "Yeah." "First single from the album." "Yeah, well, good luck with it, really." "Really, good luck with it." "You know, it's beverly's favorite song on the whole album?" "You know, you're a fucking asshole, you know that?" "Excuse me?" "Because you come in here, you knock up my assistant, and then you leave her, and then you come out here and sing." "Let me say something to you." "First of all, I did not fuck your assistant." "She's a fan of mine, she's been to a lot of shows, and I don't fuck all my fans, OK?" "Right." "That haircut is gay." "Do you know that?" "Seriously?" "My haircut's gay?" "No." "Their haircut." "Yes, it's your haircut, but you know, it goes with the, uh... you know what?" "I'm a little uncomfortable, and I think it's time for me to go, OK?" "Good luck with your show." "Have a good one." "Hey, sensational, maestro." "Come back real soon, will ya?" "Don't hold your breath." "You're terrific." "Michael, he's a joker, huh?" "I feel better." "I feel better." "You do?" "I think I put that guy in his place." "Who, Michael?" "Yeah." "Well, I'm glad you feel good about it, because it turns out that it's la salle." "La salle what?" "He's the paparino." "We should send bolton some flowers."