"What?" "Just... don't." "What is wrong with you?" "I wanted to tell you." "But I didn't think you'd understand." " Someone stole it from me." " They stole it?" "A girl..." "A bloke..." "A transgender bloke." "She wanted to be a man." "She had a power." "Nadine." "I'm Rudy." "Is that the right time?" "Eh?" "I have to go." "No, don't go." "Please..." "I can't stop thinking about her." "I didn't know you were coming." "Yeah, Jess asked me." "Is that all right with you?" "Absolutely fine." "I know you'd rather spend the evening talking to Mr HIV over there." "Can we not do this tonight?" "I'm Abbey, by the way." "I want you to get back out there." "I'll double your money, whatever it takes." "Just find my cock!" "fuck you russians" "No." "Dude, no, I'm not feeling it." "It's like I'm fucking numb." "It's like I'm paralysed from me cock down over here." "Ssh!" "Listen, oi, you know me, usually I'd be all over that." "This used to be me favourite bit." "Look at 'em all, stretching out their fannies, all nice and wide with their big, swollen milky tits." "You know, their vaginae, they have an expiry date, mate." "You've got to get one last taste of that fruit before it goes off." "Do you understand what I'm telling you?" "There's nothing worse than a mouldy piece of fruit." "Especially peaches." "But now, I'm not even interested, to be honest with you." "I'll tell you why." "Do you know why?" "The girl from last night, Nadine, I can't get her out of me mind." "What's it all about, really?" "I think it means you really like her." "Fuck off!" "We should get started." "Mm." "Right, now then." "Prime example about the whole Nadine thing, right?" "Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl, normally I... would be thinking... balls on face." "But nothing." "Balls on face?" "Yeah." "Dude, but not in a bloody creepy way, mate." "In a... you know, like..." "'Ey, dude... let's put our balls on each other's faces." "For banter, though." "Funny." "Hello." "Morning." "Yes!" "Respect, straight back on it." "Who the fuck are you?" "Abbey." "Who the fuck are you?" "What's she doing here?" "Did you fuck her?" "Is that what happened?" "No!" "Did you fuck her in here?" "The smell of the sweat and the feel of cold, hard tiles on your knees." "I didn't touch her." "Better not have." "What's she doing here?" "She's on community service." "Well, no-one told me." "Yeah, well, I'm telling you now." "You're responsible for her." "If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I'll fuck you up all the way to fuck." "How is that fair?" "You can start by cleaning the shit out of the community centre." "Have fun." "What's all that about?" "That is our... that is our probation worker." "He's bloody highly strung and he's very angry and I just think there's a lot of pain there, to be honest with you." "Well, good luck with it all." "What are you doing?" "You heard what he said, he's going to fuck me up all the way to fuck." "And..." "I don't even know what that means, but it's not good." "That's your problem." "Please just help us out for today." "I'll sort something out, I'll get you out of it, I'll..." "I'll fake your death." "Where do I get a jumpsuit?" "Ah, yes." "Yes, there." "Oh, hello!" "Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?" "Fuck off." "So is that it then?" "You and Alex, are you together?" "Boyfriend and girlfriend?" "Yeah, Finn." "We swapped friendship bracelets and then we went to the cinema and he touched me up." "Are you on community service?" "No." "Just pretending." "I just..." "I don't understand whether I'm... whether I'm just thinking about her because... you know, like I know I'm never going to see her again." "Like when you go to a vending machine and there's no prawn cocktail crisps, and all you want is a packet... of prawn cocktail crisps." "Exactly that, man." "Exactly that." "Fuck, now all I can think about is prawn cocktail crisps, knob-head." "Mmm." "Yeah, no, I'm still on prawn cocktail..." "Fuck it," "I'm going to have to go and get some prawn cocktail crisps." "Get me a packet." "Tomorrow, we're going to be focusing on the challenges that you are going to be facing." "So, dads, this is really where you come in." "And, mums, you're going to need as much help as you can get." "Um, so do you want to come and have a cup of tea?" "Yike!" "Ah..." "Cool..." "What the funk!" "Whoa! "Post-op transgender genitalia" What?" "!" "God, man," "I knew summat dodgy was going on behind that sweet little face of yours." "Not this shit, though, dude." "Not chicks with dicks." "Give it to me." "Eh?" "Give it back." "To be honest, you've gone up in my estimation." "I'm not looking at them to get turned on." "Shit, what are you going to do?" "Are you going to get a dick put on?" "Yeah." "That's exactly what I'm doing, I'm going to get a dick put on." "Se..." "For serious?" "I always wanted a dick so I thought, "What am I waiting for?" ""Let's get a dick." Fuckin' hell!" "Ohh... that's amazing." "So what do they do?" "I mean, do you... buy a dick or does someone donate you one?" "You have to order them." "You just tell them what colour you want, how long you want it and you go for a couple of fittings and they just stitch it on." "That's amazing." "Isn't it?" "Mm." "To be honest, though, the thought of you with your big floppy cock has kind of put me off my prawn cocktail crisps a bit!" "I'll have them." "Bastard." "Anyone fancy a drink?" "I'm in." "Let's drink to forget, drown me bloody sorrows." "Just need a shit." "I'll meet you down there." "OK." "Enjoy your shit." "Sorry, are you using that?" "I can't handle this." "I can't even go to an antenatal class." "How am I supposed to have a baby?" "I thought I could do it, but I can't." "Oh, it's a design fault." "Why don't they give us bigger vaginae?" "How are you meant to get something so big out of something so small?" "Apparently, they suck the life out of your tits, so, er, you can kiss them goodbye." "I can't do this." "I can't do this." "I can't..." "What the fuck have you done to me?" "I don't know." "Um..." "I don't know." "Wait!" "Didn't think you'd come." "Why wouldn't I come?" "Oh, what, do you really think I'm that shallow?" " Well, it must have been weird for you." " It's no big deal." "All right, OK, it was a bit weird for both of us." "I just know I don't wanna stop seeing you." "Look, I'm gonna take care of this, OK?" "It's not going to be like this for ever." "I promise." "So, do I get some free drinks, then?" "Because if I'm not, what is the point in going out with a barman?" "I'd always thought I'd marry a girl called Nadine, man." "So, guess what happened to me." "Oh, my God." "I know." "It's totally fucked." "I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power." "Next thing, I'm pregnant, she's not." "Tried to run after her, couldn't catch her." "It's fucking heavy." "Can I..." "All the times I shagged people and never got pregnant." "I go for a quiet dump and then this happens." "Well, what are you gonna do?" "Gonna find her and I'm gonna shove this baby right up her arse." "Someone get me a vodka tonic." "Whoa." "You're kidding me." "It..." "It's such bullshit." "I'll have lemonade." "I'll have a..." "Hey, listen." "If you ev..." "If you ever need any advice on dicks, or dick maintenance..." "shit, you know where I am." "Great, I will definitely take you up on that." "Not a problem." "For example," "I have a pretty brutal grooming regime." "Moisturise my balls twice a day, keeps the wrinkles at bay." " Constant battle, though." " Wow." "Please, talk to me more about your balls!" "You're being sarcastic, aren't you?" "Fuckin'..." "I'm pretty..." "You being sarcastic?" "I'm pretty..." "pretty sure you're being sarcastic." "What does the sexy barman think about all this?" "About what?" "About the old switcheroo." "Fuckin' sex change." "He..." "He doesn't know." "He doesn't need to know." "What do you mean?" "You're just gonna bloody surp..." "You're just gonna surprise him?" ""Oh, fuckin' happy birthday." "I've got a friggin' cock"?" "That is..." "That's horrible That's disgraceful." "I've never heard anything like it in my life." "I'm gonna tell him." "Don't you fucking dare!" "Quickly tell him." "Dude?" " He's got..." "He's got a fanny." " What?" "He's got a what?" "A vagina." "What the fuck!" "Someone stole it from him." "They did a swap." "Can't believe it." "Alex the barman." "He's got a mangina." "If you tell anyone, I will fuck you up." "Do you understand me?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Yeah." "Understand." " What was all that about?" " Nothing." "You and Jess." "Quick thing." "You know the girl who was here yesterday... the young one here on her own?" "Tara?" "Yeah." "I need her address." "Oh, I can't give out personal details." "It's important." "I've got something that belongs to her." "You can give it to me and I'll make sure she gets it." "Doesn't really work like that." "Plus, I'd like to give it to her myself." "Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you." "Wish she'd tell me where that girl lives." "Maybe I should lock her in the boot of a car." "Have you got a car?" "Jess has got a car." "A hatchback." "I don't think she'd fit." "Well, what about the laptop?" "Yes." "Good - steal the laptop, find the address, sell it on." "Just need a distraction." "I'll take care of this." "Are you shitting yourself?" "Is that the distraction?" "Cos I'm not sure that's gonna work." "Oh, my..." "That's your power?" "You can spill cups of tea?" "No, it..." "It's telekinesis." "It's not exclusive to tea." "Where the fuck did that come from?" "What?" "Did you..." "Did you have that before?" "Oh, that." "No." "That's new." "Went to do a shit and there was this girl in the toilet and she was really upset and she transferred her baby into me." "You think this is... funny?" "You see me laughing?" "No." "Is this yours?" "Did you shoot your watery little spunk up her?" "No." "My watery little spunk hasn't been anywhere near her." "It's one of these flats up here." "It's going up her arse." "Ha-ha." "Hey, I had the most amazing dream about Nadine last night." "Ow." "He just kicked me." "How'd you know it's a him?" "I don't know, just feels like a him." "I'll tell you summat else Nadine said." "No of fence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?" "What do you mean?" "It's all you've gone on about all day." "Nadine, Nadine, Nadine." "It is fucking boring." "Usually when I meet a girl, it's... it's all down here." "It's dick-based." "I tried putting on a bit of grot this morning." "A bit of girl-on-girl." "Scissoring, all that, just clear my mind a bit." "So sweet." "The first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I..." "I don't know where to find her, do I?" "Let's go shove a baby up a girl's arse, shall we?" "Right, for fuck's sake." "Abbey, come on!" "What are you doing?" "I'm not giving him back." "I'm keeping him." "He's mine now." "You can't keep somebody else's baby." "What, you don't think I can look after it?" "No, to be honest with you, not really." "Why would you even want another woman's baby?" "I don't know who I am!" "When the storm happened, I lost my memory." "I forgot everything." "No-one's looking for me." "I've got no-one." "What, are you like an orphan?" "No." "Well, I..." "I don't know." "I don't..." "I don't think so." "It's the first time I've felt really part of something." "He needs me." "I can love him and he can love me." "I'm not giving him back." "D'oh..." "That's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there." "Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat." "Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch." "Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that." "Petrol station."" "You all right?" "Look at 'em." "The happy couple." "Just forget about her." "I'm stupid for thinking I could compete with him." "I mean, look at 'em." "Perfect." "Fuck it, right." "You..." "You, shut up, you forced this out of me." "He is a man... with a fanny." "Are you happy now?" "What, he's got a fanny?" "What, he's a woman?" "He's got both, like a worm?" "Shit, I don't know how it works." "It's storm-related, innit?" "All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina." "Are you sure about this?" "Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick." "Oh, my God." "This is the greatest day of me life." "I c..." "I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny." "Don't say anything, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?" "Oh, he's sensitive, is he?" "Oh, dear." "Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?" "Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really." "So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him." "Great." "Thanks for ruining the moment." "Come on, mate." "Eh?" "Mate, listen." "I just..." "I reckon maybe it's time you cut your losses now." "You know, the whole Jess thing?" "Maybe I should tell her that I'm not gonna take any more of her shit." "Yeah, you're right." "Of course I'm right." "Oi." "Check this out." "Right, now, I'm gonna give you three guesses." "Who am I?" "Ho-way!" "Y'all right?" "Oh, look at the state of that." "I've got a lovely soft fanny." "It's all soft and furry." "Look at me little furry Virginia." "Oh, it's like a little squirrel's gone in there." "Give it a stroke." "I want it to become my friend." "I don't..." "Here he is!" "Big man." "How you doing?" "You all ri..." "Oh." "That was a bit of a clanger, wasn't it?" "I can't believe you fucking told them." "Told them what?" "Alex!" "Ohh." "I don't think he noticed." "Think we got away wi' it." "Anyway..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm s..." "I'm s-s-sorry!" "I'm sorry." "Uh!" "Oh!" "Oh, this is a definite low point, man." "I can't..." "You." "I need your full name." "What for?" "You're not on the system." "And if you're not on the system, then you don't exist." "Fine." "I'm Abbey." "Abbey Smith." "I will not allow anarchy and chaos to overtake my community centre." "'Hi, this is Alex." "Please leave a message.'" "Oh, all right, I fucked up." "Will you just call me?" "Right, I'm coming over." "This better be good." "I know where it is." "I know who's got your cock." "Apparently, she just turned up one night with a cock." "No surgery, nothing." "What's her name?" "She calls herself James." "She hangs around in the karaoke bar on the estate." "There's half." "You get the rest when I get it back." "What are you doing?" "You never said anything about hurting anyone." "Don't try and stop me." "Probation worker's looking me up on the system." "But if you lost your memory, how do you know your name's Abbey Smith?" "I don't." "I just thought it sounded all right, so I went with that." "Abbey Smith." "Abbey S..." "Abbey S..." "Abbey Smith." "All the names in all the bloody world." "You could have been Jasmine." "G-Geraldine, you could have been." "But, no, here..." "Here she is." "Abbey S..." "Smith, as well!" "Hi, Rudy." "Oh, my..." "Oh, my God, it's..." "It's you." "It's you." "What are you..." "What are you doing here?" "I came to see you." "Fuck off." "Seriously?" "I..." "Is that OK?" "God." "Course it's OK." "I..." "It's..." "It is so good to see you." "So, Nadine, I've heard a lot about you." "Aren't you going to introduce us?" "Yeah, I'm gonna..." "Nadine, that's Finn, that's Abbey." "Fuck off." "Go away." "Go on." "Do one." "What are they like?" "So, what..." "Seriously, have you found me?" "You told me where you worked." "Yes, I did tell you where I..." "Because it's the community centre, is where I am." "Fucking caretaker of the community..." "Centre of the community." "It's a thankless job, really." "It's pretty..." "It's pretty humble." "I think it has its own..." "sort of quiet dignity to it, though." "Anyway." "Do you feel OK?" "Yeah, I'm all right." "I'm absolutely tiptop." "Just gonna have to excuse me for just a minute, cos..." "Fuck!" "Uhh!" "What are you playing at?" "You're messing this up." "What, no, I'm not, dude." "I'm trying..." "I'm trying." "You're not, you're being weird." "What's all this?" "You know, honestly, I like this one." "She's amazing." "Whoa, hey, whoa." "What do you mean?" "What do you..." "What you on about, you fancy her or summat?" "Yeah, think I do, yeah." "Right, well, she's mine, so back off." "You keep your friggin' mitts off her, pal." "Why don't you get it?" "This is the one girl we can both agree on." "We could both be happy here." "This is why you can't afford to fuck this up." "Shit, man, help me out." "I'm getting all nervous around her and..." "Be straight with her, yeah?" "And no bullshit." "You know, just for once in your life, talk to her like she's a human being instead of a piece of meat." "Come on, I'm gonna be right there." "Let's go." "Come on." "Er..." "Sorry about that." "Er, so, I was..." "I was just wondering..." "Are..." "Are you hungry?" "Because, if you want, we could get something from the vending machine if you want." "Can you just open the door?" "I know you're pissed off with me." "Who are you?" "You need to find Alex." "He's crazy." "He'll do anything to get his cock back." "He's got a gun." "So... what kind of hours do you work?" "Well, I'm the senior caretaker, so technically I'm on call, like, 24 hours a day." "It's like..." "It's very much like being a doctor in many... in many respects." "Bollocks to it." "Do you know what?" "Fuck it." "I'm, er..." "I'm not the caretaker." "I'm just saying, I'm lying." "I..." "I just told you that cos I didn't want you to know the truth, really." "I'm on community service." "It's just that you're so pretty and... you're clever." "I thought that if you knew the truth, then you just wouldn't want to bother even talking to me." "I'm just some... some fuck-up." "I pick up dog shit with one of them little grabber things, you know what I mean?" "I'm sorry." "It's not for me to judge you." "I've got to go." "Oh, no, no." "Don't." "Please don't go." "Don't." "Don't." "Nadine." "Fucking..." "Nadine!" "How did it go?" "It was amazing and then she's..." "She ran away - again." "She left her bag." "Shit!" "Why does she keep running off, then?" "Because she's a girl." "That's what they do." "They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick." "Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out." "Well, fuck..." "What if it's that?" "Shit!" "Oi!" "Don't swear in front of the bump!" "Come on, we need to follow her." "Yeah?" "All right, just..." "'I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er...'" "Something's going on with Alex." "'He is gonna try and get his cock back." "'I'm really worried what he's gonna do.'" "To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex." "'So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.'" "Why are you being such a prick?" "Good luck with it, though, yeah?" "I hope you're happy together." "Fuck." "I've j..." "I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude." "Wait." "Is she shitting in the bushes?" "Why would she be shitting in the bushes?" "It's the werewolf thing, I told you." "Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar." "What the f..." "Ohh." "Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun." "Ah." "Yep." "Looks like it." "I'm just gonna call her back." "What are the fucking chances?" "When was the last time you even saw a nun?" "I'm sorry for hanging up on you." "It doesn't matter." "Let's get on with it." "Oh, right, now, listen." "If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?" "Why would anyone want to steal your puny cock?" "He's got a point, actually." "I can't have anyone stealing my fanny." "I'm gonna be using it very soon." "We just need to find Alex, OK?" "What are you doing?" "I went to your flat, I know what's going on." "Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing." "It was fucking insensitive." "Where is she?" "This is a song very close to my heart." "I hope you'll like it, too." "Is that the probation worker?" "I'll protect you from the hooded claw." "Keep the vampires from your door." "♪ I-I-I-I" "♪ Feels like fire" "♪ I'm so in love with you" "♪ Dreams are like angels" "♪ They keep bad at bay, bad at bay" "♪ Love is the light" "♪ Scaring darkness away" "♪ I'm so in love with you" "♪ Purge the soul" "♪ Make love your goal" "♪ The power of love... ♪" "I want my fucking cock." "Fuck off!" "Get off me!" "That night at the club, you took it from me and I want it back." "♪ ..." "Soul" "♪ Flame on burn desire" "♪ Love with tongues of fire" "♪ Purge the soul" "♪ Make love your goal... ♪" "Get it out." "I want to see it." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Get your dick out right now." "That's mine!" "You stole it from me, you piece of shit!" "Look, I had to, there was no other way." "I swear to God, it better be OK." "If you've been putting it anywhere you shouldn't have..." "It's not about that." "It's not about sex." "Alex." "Look at me." "Let's just calm down, yet?" "I know you really want it back, but don't fuck up what you've got." "Right, drop the gun or I'll do it." "I'll fucking cut it off." " Don't you fucking dare!" " I'll do it." "I'm gonna do it." "You've got five seconds." "Five." "Four." "Three." "Two." "One..." "What are you doing?" "I'm a freak." "I'm disgusting." "You're all laughing at me." "I don't feel like I'm me, I don't feel like I'm anything." "And I can't live without my cock." "I don't wanna live like this any more." "Oh, don't." "Just..." "Look, I didn't mean to hurt you." "I just did what I had to do." "Cos all my life, it's all I've wanted." "I don't want it." "Not like this." "♪ The power of love" "♪ A force from above" "♪ Cleaning my soul" "♪ Your... ♪" "That was beautiful." "You've got the voice of an angel." "What..." "W-What are you doing here?" "We really like karaoke." "How about you?" "I like..." "I like karaoke, too." "See you tomorrow, then." "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world." "♪ You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar" "♪ When I met you" "♪ I picked you out, I shook you up" "♪ I turned you around" "♪ Turned you into someone new... ♪" "I hate karaoke, anyway." "Yeah, me, too." "It's bullshit." "Oh, yeah?" "So, what have you come to give me this time?" "Twins?" "Look, I know what you might think of me." "That I'm a shit mum, but..." "I got scared." "I've really missed him." "Too late." "You didn't want him." "Jake." "That's what I was gonna call him." "I thought I couldn't do it, and I probably can't, but I've got to try." "And since he's been gone, he's all I can think about." "He is the only thing I've got." "You better fucking look after him." "If he grows up to be a pimp, a child molester or a probation worker," "I will kick your arse." "What happened to the baby?" "I gave him back." "Are you OK?" "Fine." "Oh, what?" "!" "Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back." "I don't get my beautiful nun." "How the frig is that fair?" "So, I guess this is it, then." "Emotional farewell." "Where you going?" "That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service." "You're not actually on community service." "Maybe see you around." "You've been fucking with me!" "You don't get to fuck with me!" "Do you know what they do... to people who pretend to be on community service?" "So, this is ironic, innit?" "Maybe it's meant to be." "I mean, it's the first steps to finding out who I actually am." "It's all part of some big cosmic plan." "You just stepped in some dog shit." "There is a young man here to see you." " No, no, no, no, no, no." " 'Be careful, Nadine.'" "Oi!" "Don't go." "Rudy?" "Fucking..." "That's my fucking TV!" "Well, we're just gonna have to put it down to an act of God, Finley!" "So, what's the plan?" "Use the special powers you got after being struck by that freak storm." "Shh!" "Now, shut up." "Sister Ca...!" "You just head-butted a nun." "It's fine." "She's an evil bitch." "Look at her." "This whole bullshit connection thing." "It's an excuse to be an enormous slut." "That's my incredibly subtle way of asking if you want to fuck me." "What's that?" "It's them." "Who?" "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."