"Hey, guys, Bertie's playing it cool... but you guys coming over for dinner tonight is a really big deal to her." "So be there by 6 and no bailing." " Bailing on dinner." "Nick, I need you." " What?" "Wingman sitch, Jewish girl, sensible nose, high-level target." "I can't be your wingman." "We gotta go to this dinner." "Don't make it seem like a chore." "She is making 10 or 11 soups and all of them are cream-based." " Oh." " Oh." " Hey, Mom." " Hi, baby." "I'm sorry to interrupt." "I know the morning is the most sensual time of day... but, um, I need you, it's your sister." "Abby?" "What is it?" " She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego." " How's everything with your sister?" "She was caught stealing." "They called the cops." " Imagine me with a nice Jewish girl." " Jess has sister?" " Never met her." " I need you to go to the jail." " Pick her up and put her on a plane home." " Oh." "Fabulous." "I don't know what kind of jail this is, so be prepared for anything." "Wear a shirt you don't "love" love." " Okay." "JOAN:" "Love you." "Hi, Nick." "Okay, here." "These are all the ladies that I could find." "Ooh, this one is deep." " So, what's up with your sister?" " Well, she's coming to town." " Yikes, that's..." " The best news ever?" "I know." "It's so, so, so good." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" "Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day." "Not mysterious, jet-setter." "I always imagined her with a French-speaking, black husband... like a Jerome St-Pierre." "I'll meet her for a layover hang." " Why you ignoring me?" " Paying attention to my girlfriend." "There, a reaction, thank goodness." "Now I know I'm not a ghost." " All right, I gotta go." " Oh, you're..." "I gotta go." "Hey, hey, hey, Jess." "Jess, what if I came with?" "I don't think you two would really get along." " Why not?" " I haven't seen her in a long time and..." "Jess, I'd like to meet your sister." "Why don't we do this?" "Why don't I go pick her up?" "And then come meet us for a quick dinner before she leaves." " Awesome." "JESS:" "Yeah." " That's all I was looking for." " We can't make your dinner." " I'm not coming with you." " Wait, no." "No, no, no, wait." "Hey, are you really letting Nick meet Abby?" "Hell no." "I'm going to pick her up from jail, like straight-up jail." "I told Nick he could meet her on her layover." "But, whoops, her flight got changed, no time, sorry." "Bye, Nick, I'll see you later." "NICK:" "Out of shampoo." "Gonna use soap." "Your sister won't know the difference." "Okay, can't wait for you to meet her." "He's never going to meet her." " Hey." " Hey." "I can't go to this dinner." "It's a double date." "Things are weird between me and Cece." "Because you went on a date and she never texted you?" "Yeah." " Be a man, Coach." " All right." "Be there by 6 and bring a bottle of wine." "And don't be cheap either." "Bertie is a Somalian." "Okay." "Oh, tidings, Abigail." "I'm Jess' beau." "My name is Nicholas." " It's a pleasure to..." "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, good God." " Is that a common barber's comb?" " I just wanna make a good impression." "Well, I want Julia Child not to be dead." "But here we find ourselves." " What did you come to talk about?" " As I was saying..." "I have a difficult flirting situation." "Double black diamond, trees, moguls." "As we know, you're the best wing man who's ever wung." "NICK:" "Thank you, Schmidt." "Almost glad I got into an accident so we could have more days together... with you helping me through this." "How could a guy who's so rich be so generous with his time?" "Excuse me." "Are you the writer of So You've Mastered The Female Orgasm, Now What?" " Your autograph?" " Of course." "It's quick." "I'll have you back by dinner." "I'll do it." "But as soon as Jess says I've gotta go, I'm out." "Thank you for your support and tiny portion of your life." " Sure." "Ha-ha-ha." " Okay." "[LOCK BUZZES]" "Hey, Abby." "Look who came to pick up her big bad sister." "You good to go or you gotta sign yearbooks or something?" "Bridget stole your gum." "What?" "You took my Fruity Fruit?" "I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch." " Oh, my God." " Gum?" " I want my Fruity Fruit." " I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch." " What about the new guy?" "Wanna meet him." " Don't have time." "Have to take you to the airport." "Mom bought a ticket." "I know all of her credit card information." " No." " I can just change it." " Wait, what are you doing?" "Wait, no." " Sweet." "Why don't you, for once in your life, do something you're not supposed to do?" "Didn't put the cap back on the Honey Bear." " Drive." "Drive." "Drive." " Oh, my God." "No, no, no." " I wanna drive safely." " Try it!" "I have a perfect record." "Get your hands away from me." "Why don't you want me to meet him?" " Are you embarrassed of me?" " I do." "No." " Great, I just got on the later flight." " Great." " I'm so excited." " I know." "Did you start driving slow?" "I actually think I'm speeding." "I hope there's no coppers around." "[POLICE SIREN WHOOPS]" "Drive faster." "Sorry, sir." "Thank you for your service." "You're over my head I'm out of my time" "Thinking I was..." "NICK:" "What is this place?" "SCHMIDT:" "It's a bar mitzvah." "I'm not watching a kid get circumcised." "Target is Rachael, a Hebrew school teacher." "Crashing some kid's bar mitzvah is the best way to get her?" "Get her on the dance floor." "A little bit softer now." "A little bit louder now." "Sweep her off her feet." "Get married, have a son named Elon." "At his bar mitzvah, I tell how I met his mom." "Not a dry eye in the house." "Jewish continuity, etcetera, etcetera." " You realize how long you were talking?" " There she is." " Whoo!" "A beautiful piece of hamantaschen." " What is hamantaschen?" "Problem is her dad is my rabbi." "He hates me." "I need to charm Rachael before he gets to her... and tells her horrible-slash-true things about me." "NICK:" "Absolutely." " Oh, hello, what a day." "Oh, a special day." " Take my hand." " Take your hand?" "A special day." "You just wanted my hand so you could say that?" " I did." " Don't think we've had the pleasure... of meeting." " May I take your hand too?" " You can take anything you want, Shirley." "So, you know, just the..." "Just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight?" "Yeah, just, uh..." "Just you and me." "Oh, and Bertie and Winston, just eating night lunch." "Yeah, like a date but not a date because..." " Yeah." " Yeah." " So, uh, what is that?" "Is that a onesie?" " Yeah." "How do you take it off to use the bathroom?" "Hmm." "Oh, nice place." " Oh, my God." " Hey." " You look, you know, amazing." " You look amazing." "Look at you." "Oh, my God, I'm so happy you're not just paper thin anymore." "Oh, my God, you're just the best." "Hello, hot cocoa." " Wow, what's going on here?" " Nothing." "I'm getting a real vibe." "No." "You wanna have sex with her." "You are not so sure." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "She doesn't wanna put out." "I will." "[SINGING] Abby Day" "Abby Day" "She always says The most inappropriate stuff" "If you a cappella sing at me one more time, I'll rip that stupid dress off you... and shove it down your mouth." "JESS:" "I'm scared of you." "[SINGING] Let's go in my room" "Don't hurt me." "Please don't hurt me." " She hasn't called." " Put that away." " We're 30 seconds to curtain." " Don't wanna miss call from Jess." " I need you focused." "You ready?" " Yes, I distract the rabbi... while you hit on his daughter." " And action, go." " Ugh." " What a spread, huh?" "Terrible." " Agree." " Thank God I have pizza in my car." "Ha-ha-ha." "Yeah, that's very funny." " That wasn't a joke." " Who has pizza in their car?" "Listen, when I make a joke, you'll know it." "I'm a joke machine." " I mean, what are the chances?" "I love jokes." " Oh." "Good, okay." "Did you hear the one about the waiter?" "Walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?"" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" " Hi." " Rachael?" "Baruch atah Ado-nice dress." "Oh, thank you." "Shabbat Sha-hello." "Ha, ha, yeah." "That wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute." " Yeah, thanks." " How's Hebrew school?" "It's fine." "It's the only place that would hire me after I got out of rehab." " Two Jews walk into a bar." "They buy it." " Because they're rich people." "Yeah..." "Well, these Jews happen to be rich, but they worked hard." "[PHONE RINGS]" " Hold on." " Call in the middle of a punch line?" " Hey." " Your generation is the worst." " What's going on?" " Abby's flight is crazy delayed." " So no time for dinner." " I can come right now, Jess." "No, um, she has a conference call with Hong Kong... about very important fashion business, Venture Magazine conference." "Well, maybe I'll see her next time." "Oh, no, no, no." "You will not speak to my daughter." "Rachael, this man is a nut ball." "A nut ball?" "How dare you?" "I'm a goofball." "Sammy Davis Jr." "Was a goofball." "You, sir, are no Sammy Davis Jr." " I'm a goofball." " You're a bad..." "No!" " I'm a goofball." " Daddy, I love sex." "And he wants to have sex with me." "Let him." "I love sex." "Text me, text me." "Text." "What was that, man?" "Jess is embarrassed of me." "Can you believe that?" " What a shanda." " What's a shanda?" "A shanda." "What a shanda." "All you care about is Jess." "Remember when we used to be best friends?" "That was neat." "What a neat time in my life that was." "Hey, Schmidt, my girlfriend's embarrassed of me." "Can we go on that for a little bit?" "Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings?" "The bird never gets to be the main bird like this?" "JESS:" "Ugh." "So I just talked to Nick and this is a real shame in the pants... but he's not coming home tonight." " What?" "Why?" " He had to hang out with work friends." " He can't come and see me?" " I guess it's just us till the airport." "You see what you're doing, right?" "Oh, my God, I'm Mom." "[LAUGHING]" "No, I'm turning into Mom." "How did this happen?" " "Just a little bit." - "A tipple."" " "I don't wanna get stoned."" " She calls getting drunk getting stoned." "Oh, my God, wait, big news." "Mom got one of those very, very small denim backpacks." "She did, and she calls it her blue guy." "She's, like, "Oh, I gotta grab my blue guy."" "You're making fun of Mom." "You're her perfect little baby." "I'm..." "Hey, I'm not really a baby." "You're super grown-up." "Thank you." "Oh, my." "Ha-ha-ha." "I have a picture of Mom wearing the backpack... at her sign language class graduation." "You have to see it." " No." " It's amazing." "I have it in a photo album." "[PHONE VIBRATES]" "Ooh, bonus shot of Dad, getting a haircut while eating spaghetti." "[CHUCKLES]" "Abby?" "Hey, Outsie-D." "Have you seen a girl like me but with chaos in her eyes?" "Sorry, I'm doing my taxes." "Ooh!" "I'm taking in more than I'm spending." "[PHONE RINGS]" " Hey." " Hey." "How's it going with Abby?" " We were having fun for once, and then..." "JOAN:" "What happened?" "Tell me what happened." "I'll take care of it for you, baby." "Baby?" "I got this." "I got this myself." "Thanks." "Quick question." "Is pee-pee a write-off?" "Hey." "I'm not sure my body's built for these chairs." " It's a regular chair, man." " Yeah." " Hey, bud." " How you doing?" "Well, I wanna apologize." "Sorry I got distracted." "It's okay." "Sorry your girlfriend hates you." "Ah, she doesn't hate me." "She's just ashamed of me." "Well, if she's really ashamed of you, then she's the stupidest bitch in the world." "Easy, okay, slow down." " I apologize." " Water under the bridge." " I've never been ashamed of you." " Wish I could've helped you." " I feel like I blew it." " She was kind of nutty." "What happened to us, man?" " We used to be the best in biz." " We still are." "I'm the best wingman that's ever wung." " Make a plan?" " Absolutely." "You're my brother." "Thank you." "Charge that to room 304." "You." "Charge that to nothing." "She's checking out." "Adding this hotel to your rap sheets?" " You found me." " Oh, yeah." " Don't you wanna know why I left?" " You saw my texts." "And I'm honestly sorry... but you do ruin everything." " Wow." "Thought I was gonna turn the tables." " I'm taking you to the airport." " Thought we could share calamari." " Now." " Beef sliders?" " Now!" " Lobster quesadilla?" " Right now." "[WHISPERS] This is crazy, huh?" "Hmm." "You know, Bertie had a dream she killed me." "So, uh, Coach, what's new?" "Nothing." "Isn't that right, Cece?" "Hmm?" " What's that supposed to mean?" " Oh, you'll figure it out." "If not, just text me." "Or don't." "You're good at that." "Oh, my God." "Okay, we made out once, pointlessly, for two hours." "That's it." "Get over it." "Let it go." "Pointless, was it?" " Yeah." " I mean, who does that?" "Super-hot makeout, and then you ice me out for two months." "What are you talking about?" "Ice out what?" "You text me, "Happy Monday." What do I do with that?" "Oh, I don't know, maybe, "Have a happy Monday."" "Going out with you was the hottest and dumbest mistake I ever made." "You're the hottest, dumbest, sexiest mistake I ever made." "Was dumb of me to pick you up and press you up against that wall." "So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel." "You guys should try the fisherman's bisque." "It has just the right amount of tang." "Is that tang?" " Hmm." " That's tang." " Okay." " All right?" " Sorry, I was trying to..." " Okay, pivot around the side." " Pivot?" "Okay." " Yeah." "No, look, I think the way it was, was more I was up, right?" " Yeah, yeah, you were up." " That's how we were." "All right, up." " Up." "Now what do we do?" " Okay." " Lower your center of gravity." "Gonna work." " Okay." " Lower it down." "Gonna clench my thighs." " Okay." "Okay." " I'm gonna fall." " I'm clenching as hard as I can." " I'm gonna..." "Okay." " What?" " Jeez." "Jeez." " Oh!" " That was awful." " That was the worst." " Oh, my gosh." "Wow, what is happening?" " Oh, Lord." "Maybe you were right not to text me." "That was embarrassing." " I'm sorry." " No, it's cool." "Can we just be friends now, you know?" "Yeah." "I mean, why not?" " Friends?" " Friends." "Friends." "Come here, you." " Literally?" " Sorry." " You just bit my tooth." " When I get excited, my teeth come out." "Who does that?" " Sorry." " I think I broke my tooth." "Let me see." "Oh..." "JESS:" "Okay, go straight to the gate." "Look, I get why you're mad at me." "Okay, but if it's any consolation, I'm a woman in her 30s... about to get on a plane to go live with my mother." "It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny backpack too." "I said I would never go back to Portland." "So I guess I'm a complete failure." "I'm the baby." "[WHISTLE BLOWING]" "Is this the craziest thing that's going on in the airport?" "Really?" "Okay, recap." "You hit the dance floor and..." " Do what I do best, be an embarrassment." " It's a gift, Nick." " I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah." " Do some dancing?" " It's gotta be bigger." " Bigger?" "Then I come out there and I... knock you out." "That's right." "It'll be a stage punch." " I've done productions of West Side Story." " West Side Story." "Was a Puerto Rican Shark." " High school." " Awesome." "You never came." "It's odd." " Whatever." " Was busy." "The rabbi will then come out, thank me, the hero." "He'll offer me his daughter and five years from now..." "Rachael is pregnant and we're having a beautiful family New Year's... in our vacation condo in the Florida Keys." "You're doing it again, talking in speeches." "You've been monologuing lately, Schmidt." " Do you hear yourself?" " I'm unaware of it." "I'm not gonna get mad, because I respect you, but it's weird." " I apologize." "I'll stop doing it." " Okay." " Hey." " Yeah?" "Light this cannon up so I can shoot off." "Oh!" "Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass." "How you doing?" "My name is Nick." "Do you know martial arts?" "Swear to God you don't?" "You run around with this hunk anymore, this little surfer cat." "I know your game." "Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes." "I wish I had them." "You're breaking my heart." " What?" " And all I do is love you." "I give and I give." "I've been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you." " We just met." " I wanna rip that blouse off you." "Put it on me." "Oh, wow." "I wanna wear your lipstick." "Well, that's interesting." "I wanna rip those earrings off, and put them on and I wanna be the girl." "That would be wonderful." "But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews." "And I don't care who's watching, I want what I want." "[CROWD GASPING]" " Unhand her, sir." " What is...?" "Hey, man." " You okay?" " Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum." "Would you like to date my daughter?" "She's available." "Tell the whole room that I'm available." "I'm not telling the whole room." "I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum, a doctor." "Oh, I got that." " Oh, hey." " Hey." "I like your glasses." " What happened?" " Got beat up at a bar mitzvah." "I know that's embarrassing." "I know you're too embarrassed of me to introduce me to your sister, I get that." "Nick, that's not at all what..." "There is something I just cannot shake." "I've been tossing and turning all night long." "We've been apart for 15 seconds." "Get out of here." "I'm your wingman now, Nick." " It takes two wings for a bird to dance." " Don't do this." "Jessica Day, you are dating a champion." " I agree." " I don't know... why you would be embarrassed of him." " Excuse me?" " I told him..." " I don't understand this." " I am not embarrassed of Nick, not at all." " For real?" " No." " Well, that's great news." "I'm glad that's out of the way." "Fantastic." "I'll see you guys for brunch." "Why would you think that?" " She's embarrassed of me." "Hello." " Hey." " I'm Abby." " Abby." "Hi." "Mom was right, he does have an uptown butt." " What?" " I'd like that butt in ski pants." " What does that mean?" " Nothing." " Everything." " Come on, Abby." "Come on." "I'm putting my stuff in your room." "So that means you guys are gonna stay in your room." " Thank me later." " All right." "Well, she is just a delight." "So I might have told a few lies about my sister." "She's a train-wreck, she was in jail." "Why lie?" "You know how many Millers have been or are currently in jail?" " I get it, it's just she's such a..." "ABBY:" "I can hear you." " Complicated person." "NICK:" "Right." "Anyway, she needs me." " Right." " Can she stay with us?" "Of course." "How long?" " A few weeks." " Few weeks?" "Month tops." " Six months, super tops." " Six months?" "Just till I get on my feet." "What's your address?" "In case I wanna get any "deliveries."" "I'm not telling you." "I'm not telling you." ""Deliveries?" No." "Deliveries are fine. "Deliveries," no." " It depends what you want "delivered."" " I'll figure it out." "Well..." "I love you."