"Halt!" "Easy, Schultz, it's only me, Carter." "Oh." "You scared me." "Light." "Hold this." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "My rifle." "Sorry, Schultz." "I don't keep it loaded." "Thanks for the light, Schultz." "Hello, Mama Bear." "Hello, Mama Bear." "This is Goldilocks." "Mama Bear to Goldilocks, stand by for transmission." "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall." "Humpty Dumpty had a great fall." "All the King's horses and all the King's men could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again, even though they tried for two days." "Over and out." "What's it mean?" "Yeah, what is it?" "He'll finish." "Hold it, hold it one minute, one minute, one minute." "What?" "All right. "Probing raid, repeat probing raid." ""Not an invasion." ""Sector Q-19, 48 hours." ""Birthday present for Adolf." ""Need latest information troop movements your area." ""Last transmission 1500 hours tomorrow." ""Following that, radio silence." "Cease all escape activity." "Surprise essential."" "What a birthday present, huh?" "We're really going to give it to 'em, huh?" "See how the Krauts like it." "Hold it, hold it!" "This is a reconnaissance job." "I need a volunteer who's got plenty of guts and can move fast." "Oh, you can depend on us, Colonel." "Oh, yeah, we'll figure somebody to send." "Sure, one of us will be glad to go." "Come on." "I said volunteer." "I can't order you to go on a mission like this." "Now, who's going to step forward and take this job?" "Thank you, LeBeau." "I didn't move a muscle." "You've got that volunteer look." "That's how I got married." ""Volunteer" the same way." "( crickets chirping )" "Goldilocks calling Mama Bear." "Goldilocks calling Mama Bear." "Come in, Mama Bear, come in." "It's no use, Colonel." "They've shut down." "They warned us: radio silence till after the raid." "Missed them by less than two hours." "Gee, I couldn't help from being late, Colonel." "A patrol stopped me." "The area was crawling with Krauts." "I had to make a big detour to get back." "You could have moved a little faster." "Oh, yeah?" "I'm dressed like an old woman." "And why would a little old woman be running through the woods?" "You tell me that." "You could always say you were being chased by a little old man." "All right." "All right, all right." "Knock it off." "We got a problem." "Headquarters doesn't know they've moved in a gun emplacement and we don't have any communications." "The map." "Shmeckhausen is the reference point, Colonel." "All right, Schmeckburg, Schmeckhof, Shmeckstadt." "Here it is, Shmeckhausen." "That battery commands a whole section of the beach." "Exactly." "They'll smash the raid before it gets started." "Sitting ducks." "How many guns?" "I counted twelve; all 88s." "Oh, murder." "If only we could knock 'em out." "Hey, maybe hand grenades would do a little damage." "It's 15 miles from here at least." "I'll warm up my pitching arm." "Well, let's face it." "Adolf's going to have a nice present for his birthday:" "Allied landing knocked out before it starts." "If only we could..." "LeBeau." "Did I volunteer for something again?" "You're beautiful!" "I am?" "You said the magic word, "Adolf's birthday."" "What are the forgery boys working on?" "Fake raffle tickets." "We've been selling them to the Krauts." "Raffle tickets?" "Yeah." "It's an all-expense- paid trip to New Orleans for the Mardi Gras." "It's for after the war." "All right, look, tell them I need a set of orders for the commander of that gun battery." "You got it." "Newkirk, I need a motorcycle and a sidecar from the car pool." "You got it." "I need some German uniforms." "Uh, make 'em infantry, enlisted men for a change." "You got it." "All right, let me see:" "we got uniforms, orders, transportation." "Did I forget anything?" "Yeah, how about assigning a couple of guys to help me off with my girdle?" "You got 'em." ""In keeping with orders from the Commanding General," ""Fourth Army Group," ""military units will show respect and affection" ""for our beloved Fuhrer with proper celebration" ""to be enjoyed by all ranks." ""Details for your relief for this purpose" ""are to be worked out with the bearer," ""Captain Hoganburg." "Signed, Colonel commanding..."" "I can hardly make out this signature." "The Colonel's a very busy man, administrative details and..." "Hoopleman!" "Who gave you permission to be at ease?" "Stand at attention!" "Achtung!" "Jawohl, Herr Kapitan!" "You have to keep after them every minute." "As you were saying, Major." "According to these orders, you are to relieve me for the Fuhrer's birthday celebration." "Yes, sir." "I have a small detachment on temporary patrol in Shmeckhausen." "At your service, sir." "Ah!" "Does Headquarters expect a squad of infantry to relieve experienced artillery men?" "Major, may I suggest you confirm the orders with headquarters?" "Ja, an excellent idea." "I will do just that." "Hello, this is" "Wilhelmstrasse Zwei calling Bismarck Vierzehn." "Hello, this is Bismarck Vierzehn." "This is Major Keitel." "I wish to speak with Colonel Stimmer." "Jawohl, Herr Major." "Colonel, it's Major Keitel of Wilhelmstrasse Zwei." "Colonel Stimmer speaking." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Hoopleman!" "Colonel, I have your orders, and I wish to confirm the Fuhrer's birthday." "Ah, you wish to confirm our beloved leader's birthday." "That is very kind of you, Major." "I only hope for your sake the Gestapo is not listening." "Sir, you misunderstood..." "You will carry out your orders to the letter." "That is an order." "Understood?" "And Major, it has been reported to me that the buildings on your post need attention." "Well, sir, we could use a little fixing up and..." "See that it is done before the beloved Fuhrer's birthday party." "There may be press here from Berlin." "And Major... that is an order, understood?" "Understood, sir!" "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler!" "Hoopleman!" "Let me talk to Captain Hoganburg." "Yes, sir." "Heil Hitler." "The Colonel wants you, Captain." "Hello?" "Captain Hoganburg speaking." "Oh, yes, sir." "Fine, thank you, sir." "A case of Rhine wine and a case of schnapps." "Quarts, not the fifths." "I understand, sir." "To your headquarters." "Consider it done, sir." "Heil Hitler." "May I tell you something in confidence, sir?" "Of course." "There is a drinking problem." "Pressure of the war." "Really?" "That would account for the strange way he sounded." "Has Berlin been told?" "Bah!" "You know their answer." ""What kind of schnapps does he like?" "We'll send him a case."" "Extraordinary." "Yes." "And a tough man." "They know it." "Ja, so do I." "He's ordered me to clean up my post in time for the Fuhrer's birthday celebration." "Impossible!" "I have no men to spare for this kind of work." "Major, you have heard of Luft Stalag 13?" "A prisoner of war camp a few miles from here, isn't it?" "Crowded with able-bodied prisoners of war." "Might I suggest that you borrow a few to do the work?" "Excellent suggestion, Captain." "( chuckles )" "Enemies of the Third Reich help with preparations for the Fuhrer's birthday." "Nice touch, eh?" "Be good to put the schwein to work." "Tell me, Captain, do you happen to know the Commandant's name at Stalag 13?" "I'll call him." "Klink, Colonel Wilhelm Klink." "Full Colonel?" "Yes, but a typical desk officer." "He's never been in combat." "I think he would faint at the sight of a rare steak." "( both laugh )" "Hoopleman!" "Who gave you permission to laugh?" "Wipe that smile off your face!" "Achtung!" "( clears throat )" "If you have no further need for me, sir..." "Captain Hoganburg, a great pleasure." "You have been very helpful." "Danke, sir." "I've tried." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Hoopleman!" "Right face!" "Achtung!" "Forward march!" "My wife's brother." "Mmm..." "This is the only way to fight the war." "You know that." "Yeah, but I wish that we would be on the same side." "I'll come over." "I only see you a few minutes at a time." "Helga, how would you like to go to a party tomorrow night?" "Wunderbar!" "Oh, I love parties." "But what is the occasion?" "Hitler's birthday." "Oh." "Well, maybe we'll have a good time anyway." "I was thinking..." "Perhaps if you invited some of your girlfriends-- blondes, brunettes, redheads, a nice assortment, you know" "I'd arrange to have you all picked up and taken over to Shmeckhausen." "Shmeckhausen?" "But there's nothing in Shmeckhausen." "We're arranging something right now." "And how will you get out of camp?" "Don't go away." "Major Keitel, it is impossible." "I cannot let any of my prisoners out of camp for such a purpose." "It's being arranged right now." "No one has ever escaped Stalag 13 because I just simply do not take such risks." "No, I don't care what the occasion is..." "Whose birthday?" "Well, why didn't you say so?" "Of course I can arrange it, Major Keitel." "Good-bye..." "What?" "Oh, yes." "Heil Hitler." "Every time I turn around, you are having another birthday." "( groans )" "Call Colonel Hogan!" "You called?" "Hogan!" "Hogan, come in." "Colonel Hogan, you wanted to see me?" "Yes, sir." "I'd like to make a request." "Request denied." "What is it?" "I like a man with an open mind." "Sir, tomorrow's Hitler's birthday." "Yes." "And I wondered if you'd care to celebrate by giving us two extra hours of electric light in the barracks." "Mm-hmm." "So you can have more time for digging your escape tunnel?" "We've already finished the tunnel." "We're working on an elevator now." "You're being impertinent." "Yes, sir." "I do the best I can." "Colonel Hogan." "From time to time, prisoners of war are asked to work, for which they are paid." "Well, according to the Geneva" "Prisoner-of-War Convention, we can refuse." "Now, I need one hour's work at a military installation outside of camp." "Request denied." "It's not heavy labor." "Is there any other kind?" "Very well." "Assign a work party and I'll give you... 40 minutes of additional electric light in the barracks." "An hour and a half." "50 minutes?" "An hour and a quarter." "One hour, not a second more." "Throw in two extra ball games and you got yourself a deal." "One extra ball game." "Forget it." "I'll take my business elsewhere." "All right, all right, all right." "One hour of extra electric light and two extra ball games." "You got yourself a deal." "I'll assign a work party." "Just one moment, Colonel Hogan." "You know that eventually" "I'm going to find that escape tunnel of yours." "Oh, I hope so, because it leads direct to the Russian front and we need somebody to lead the way." "Dismissed." "Don't forget the girls for the party." "I won't." "( Klink yelling )" "Sounds like a direct hit." "Where do I put it?" "Over there." "Hey, Carter." "It's time to move." "Pass the word." "Gotcha." "I'm on my way." "Uh, Schultz!" "Hey, Schultz!" "We, we've finished." "Nice." "Very nice." "Very, very nice." "Now, let us go home!" "Huh! "Home," he says." "Out, out, out, out!" "Everybody, raus!" "Raus, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell." "Everybody raus!" "Roll call!" "Everybody out!" "Raus!" "Raus!" "Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, everybody in." "Halt, halt, halt, halt, halt!" "Eine moment." "One moment." "Halt!" "Eins!" "Zwei!" "Drei!" "Vier!" "Funf!" "Sechs!" "Sieben!" "Acht!" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Haven't I seen you before?" "I don't know." "Ever been to Milwaukee?" "Right here." "Hey, pal, have you ever seen me before?" "Never." "There, you see?" "And he's been to Milwaukee." "Sure, and I've also been to Dusseldorf and..." "Say, didn't I meet you in Dusseldorf?" "Dusseldorf?" "Bah!" "Go in!" "Zwanzig." "Danke." "Einundzwanzig, zweiundzwanzig drieundzwanzig, vierundzwanzig funfundzwanzig, sechsundzwanzig..." "We're almost ready, Colonel." "All right, all right." "Make it quick." "The girls are on the way." "We're right on schedule." "Hey, look at me." "I'm a Kraut corporal." "I wish you were." "The war might be over by now." "Get ready to move out, and no talking." "Okay if we whistle at the dames?" "Only in German." "( dance music playing )" "Major, you don't seem to understand." "My orders are to relieve you." "Ja, I know." "You may post your men at the guns, but I will remain in command personally." "But don't you want to enjoy the Fuhrer's birthday party, sir?" "Captain, I have thought it over, and I feel it is my duty as an officer to remain in active command of the guns at all times, regardless of the circumstances." "I understand, sir." "Excuse me." "Hoopleman!" "How many times must I tell you to stand at attention?" "Achtung!" "Forgive me, Major." "Ever since I made him corporal, I can't do a thing with him." "Now, you were saying?" "I was saying, post your men, but I will remain in command." "Sir, your orders are to have a good time!" "Ja, ja, ja." "I know, I know, but I am sure that if he were here, the Fuhrer himself... would approve of my actions as being absolutely correct and in line with... with..." "Call me if you need me, Captain." "All right, let's wrap it up fast here." "LeBeau, you stand guard here." "Nobody in or out." "Carter, back up the truck and keep the motor running." "The rest of you guys come with me." "Hey, Colonel, what do we do if the girls come back?" "Leave 'em alone, and that's an order." "Oh, it sure is." "I can't get a break in either army." "Colonel, this is the wine for Klink." "It's not our best stuff, is it?" "For him?" "Are you kidding?" "It's practically vinegar." "Looks real." "Believe me, you'd be better off drinking the label." "Wait a minute." "I have to drink with him." "Well, Colonel, this is war." "You can't expect to live forever." "Thanks a lot." "Pour." "Very kind of you to help us celebrate, Colonel Hogan." "Why not?" "We don't want to be enemies just because we're enemies." "Good health and a short war." "Schultz, this is a good wine." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "It's a gay, saucy little wine we call "Hussy of the Vineyards."" "So?" "Hogan, tell me... how do prisoners-of-war get wine?" "Come on, Colonel." "Does Macy tell Gimbel?" "Macy?" "Gimbel?" "Schultz, do you know these men?" "No, Herr Kommandant!" "I want you to check the roll call very carefully tomorrow." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Sorry I mentioned it." "So." "The traveling salesman says to the farmer," ""My car broke down, and I'll have to stay for the night."" "The farmer says, "I have to tell you something." "I don't have a daughter."" "Let's go back to Macy and Gimbel." "( siren blaring )" "The invasion alarm." "Achtung!" "To the guns!" "Schnell!" "Schnell!" "Schnell!" "Schnell!" "Range, 1,500 yards." "Range, 1,500 yards." "Ready?" "Ready." "Fire!" "Fire!" ""Happy birthday, Adolf"?" "Schweinhund!" "Schweinhund!" "KLINK:" "I know where every prisoner is at all times!" "KEITEL:" "I am sorry to disagree with you, Colonel, but I happen to know that every one of my men is thoroughly reliable." "KLINK:" "The fact remains, Major..." "That's what I like to hear." "They're fighting amongst themselves now." "...and got away because you were unable to stop them." "And I say, it is because your prisoners sabotaged my guns." "Hah!" "That's ridiculous." "All of my prisoners were accounted for at roll call." "You asked for a working party." "I gave you one." "Did they do a good job?" "Yes." "Good." "But that is not the point." "Good!" "That ends the matter as far as I'm concerned." "Dismissed." "Yes, sir." "But I assure you," "Berlin will favor my version of this affair." "The nerve of that man, trying to shift the blame for his own inefficiency." "The Third Reich has no place for a man like that." "Sounds like a drinking problem." "Undoubtedly." "By the way, Colonel," "I understand that your working party did an excellent job in cleaning up the gun battery." "Thank you." "During my inspection this morning, I noticed that our own buildings could use some extra repair work." "Request denied." "I offer one extra hour of electric light, and one more slice of bread per man a week." "Two extra hours of light, and two slices of bread." "One and a half extra hours of light, and one and a quarter slices of bread..." ""(End of Episode)""