"Look at her go." "Wow." "I was the designated driver for nine months, and now it's your turn." "So, Jenny, while you're drinking your way to" "Mother of the Year Award, who's taking care of Chalupa Batman?" "Christopher Benjamin?" "My mom's in town." "She's watching the kids." "That woman hates me." "No, she does not hate you." "No, she doesn't hate you." "She just thinks Kevin could've done better, that's all." "She's an anti-Semite." "No, she's not." "No." "You got that wrong." "She doesn't like kites." "She thinks they're dangerous." "And by the way, my roommate, George, is coming by." "Please don't embarrass me." "How is that possible, Taco?" "Come on, look at you guys." "I still can't believe you have a legitimate apartment." "Yeah, it's nicer than Pete's." "Of course it is." "I make a shit-ton of money." "Hey, what's up, George?" "How's it going?" "How's it going, girl?" "Boom, boom, ugh." "Sweet tiger." "Thanks." "I'm into tigers." "Hi, I'm George." "Is George short for something else?" "My parents were just like, really into George Lopez." "Well, George, these are some people I know." "That's Ruxin, my lawyer." "Oh, he could probably help you with that jaywalking/public urination ticket." "I know." "That was total bull crap." "I was not jaywalking." "I had both feet on the sidewalk." "I knew it, the po-po knew it, everyone in that bakery knew it." "You were just pissing your pants?" "In her defense, she didn't know that she was urinating." "I was drunk." "Like, it's not public urination if it's involuntary." "It's like a heart attack." "To my credit, I was, like, 85% sure I was in a Del Taco." "That was so great, babe." "Hold on." "So much fun." "We should totally do that, like, every week, right?" "Oh, totally." "Yeah, I know." "Yeah." "Great." "I'm going back." "Wow." "You're late." "Hey, Ma." "Well, it looks like you've had a lot of fun." "Yeah." "I will go check on Christopher 'cause I bet he is ready to mow down, so..." "Yeah." "You're-you're gonna test first before you breastfeed, aren't you?" "Do you have some test strips?" "Oh... sure." "Strips?" "No, I got the..." "Because I've got some right here that you can have." "Those are like Breathalyzers for your breast milk." "A breastalyzer." "So why don't you test?" "Yeah." "And bring the strip back..." "Yeah, you know..." "...so we can take a look at it." "I'd like to see it." "You know, I'm gonna show you, 'cause it's gonna be fine." "Great." "Going to test." "All right, babe." "One, two, three, testing." "Tell me the truth." "Is she okay with the kids?" "Yeah, look how well Ellie turned out." "Honey, the child is a disaster." "Oh, and by the way, it's Elizabeth now." "I'm sorry?" "We decided that tonight." "Oh, no, no." "I prefer it, she prefers it." "Mom..." "She's very happy." "I win." "Positive." "Good." "See?" "Positive." "No, this means that your breast milk is loaded with alcohol." "What?" "So you're gonna have to pump and dump." "No, this is liquid gold." "Well, it's more like Goldschlager." "You don't have to keep talking." "Do you want Christopher to get drunk on tent whiskey?" "I was drinking gimlets." "And tequila." "All the more reason to pump and dump." "Okay, look, look, fine, fine." "Fine, fine." "I am going to pump and dump." "Okay, well, I'm gonna go check on Elizabeth, then." "Who the hell is Elizabeth?" "So, how's your houseguest?" "Mom McArthur treating you right?" "Yeah, she's been great at pointing out what a horrible mom and human being I am." "Which reminds me, she signed me up for that Mommy  Me class, and you are going to bring me." "Oh, I don't want to." "It's so uncomfortable." "What guy wants to go to a place full of boobs where there's no chance for a sexual encounter?" "The first time I ever went in there, it was like I was driving on the highway and there was an accident, and a breast truck just flipped over and there were just titties scattered everywhere." "Oh, that's right." "I forgot you guys hate to catch a glimpse of a tittie every now and again." "No, we love seeing the boobs, but not in this casual context." "It's inappropriate." "Breasts are meant to be ogled and fondled, not tugged at like some raccoon pulling on a trash bag." "Hi, guys." "Hey, how's it going?" "This is for Christopher, and I'm going to make him a cap to match." "Oh, Martha, thank you." "Because I notice how cold it is in his room." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Oh, there he is." "Oh, bitsy boy." "Oh, I've hardly seen you since I've been here." "You've been so busy." "But I always make time to come and check in on these guys and to help out with little Elizabeth." "Oh, God." "Hear how he made his nut?" "He did tell me he made his nut." "I made my nut." "Empires don't get built on couches, huh, you know what I saying?" "Someone's got to work around here." "Well, I know you have to rush off, but are you hungry?" "Why don't I make you something?" "Oh, I don't want to put you out." "Besides, Jenny doesn't really keep any fresh deli meat in the house." "Well, let's see what I can do with what we've got, okay?" "Okay." "She's the best." "She's killing me." "Do you know I am being submitted to random breast drug tests?" "What?" "I'm like Lance Armstrong." "Maybe they'll strip me of my kids." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey, come on, just a sip." "Easy, Livestrong, you're on probation." "I mean, come on." "Taco, what's up with your roommate, George?" "She's super cute." "Yeah, she is." "You ever think of hitting that?" "That's a rude question." "Yeah, we... all the time." "Wait, you're sleeping with George?" "Uh-huh." "Listen, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but you guys are living together and you're sleeping together." "I mean, you're in a relationship." "No, we're just having sex and we're both not paying rent." "That is it." "Quick question, how many bedrooms?" "Two." "How many do you sleep in?" "One." "And when you come in, do you feel the need to say hi to her?" "Of course, but that's because we're gonna have sex." "Well, have you lost your individual identity and compromised yourself as a man?" "Well, yeah, but that's just so that she doesn't get mad at me." "Bitsy boy has a girlfriend." "What?" "Yeah!" "I have one of these?" "Hey." "Oh, my God, oh, my God, I'm in a relationship!" "Oh, my God." "Sweetheart, your sandwich." "Ooh." "Thanks, Mommy." "It's not very fresh, but I put lots of mustard on it." "Oh, my God." "Oh, Jenny, time to test the breast milk." "No." "You're getting a BUI." "But Christopher is child number two." "You cannot tell me that you weren't more lax with Taco." "What do you mean?" "Taco, it's locked." "He's extremely successful." "The other unlock, Taco." "He's an entrepreneur." "Yep, now you got it." "Got it!" "He's a self-made man." "He has started so many businesses." "He's ambitious; he's never worked for anyone but himself." "He's a very high-functioning young man." "High being the operative word." "I can't believe you're still in a league with these dumb dildos, man." "You mean my best friends?" "Yeah, our best friends." "How's Brian?" "Kevin?" "Still married to that Asian girl?" "Jenny, who's white?" "Yep." "All right, Raffi, I'll see you later, buddy." "Honey, Baby Geoffrey swim class, 2:30." "Today?" "Yeah." "It's every Sunday?" "No, it's not every Sunday, but it's fall and winter." "The last class is on February 3." "Super Bowl Sunday?" "Ah, you don't care about that shit." "Oh, great, so I'll just go swimming with Geoffrey and a bunch of disgusting children in a hot pool on Sundays instead of watching football." "You're a great daddy." "I love you, babe." "Bye." "I love you." "I could watch her walk out of a room for hours." "My sister's body is bonkers." "I hope you are hitting that." "You know what, I have an idea." "Jerk-off party?" "No." "No." "Let's do this." "I like where this is going." "Okay, put it away and just listen to me." "What if you took Geoffrey to swim class?" "Yes, done." "Obviously your kid needs a male role model, 'cause I'll be honest with you, he's soft." "'Cause he's four." "'Cause he's your son." "No." "You spend all your time reading books, and looking at numbers and letters like they mean something." "They do." "Do you know how to read?" "I get by, all right?" "What do you know?" " You know, like... red means stop." " Great." " Green means go." " Good." "Yellow's the other one." "Do you want to do this with Geoffrey?" "Yes, I'm telling you." "Okay." "I really want to..." "Then you need to listen to these rules." " I'm listening!" " Red!" "Okay, a few rules." "One, no smoking." "Cigarettes or drugs?" "Both." "Oh, come on." "How long does this class even last?" "Like an hour." "What?" "Two, no swearing." "Oh, shit on me." "Three, no knives." "What if there's an attack?" "It's a bunch of children and mothers in a pool." "That's exactly what I would attack." "And here's the fourth, and this is the most important." "You need to pretend to be me, and that's our secret, okay?" "So that Sofia doesn't know..." "All right." "...that you're pretending to be Rodney Ruxin." " Yeah." " Do we have a deal?" "Yeah." "Deal." " Great." " No, wait." "Do you have a sister?" " Yeah." " I get to do her." "She lives in Milwaukee, she's married to a dentist, and she's got IBS, so have at her." "Oh, I will." "So George and I have a couple's night planned, which you guys are all invited to." "I'm down for a night out." "Can't do it, Mama's watching." "Whoa!" "Larry Fitzgerald TD!" "I have got so many receivers, I don't even know what to do with them all." "Please." "Maybe trade them away." "Make me an offer." "Somebody's hungry." "Oh..." "Look who it is." "Hopefully he can eat without having a hangover." "Oh..." "Here we go, mister." "Buddy, are you hungry?" "Are you hungry?" "Okay." "Oh, no..." "Oh, come on, Jenny." "Really?" "Oh, Jenny, please." "Look, Jenny, I'm sorry." "Are we doing that right here, right now?" "What?" "There are gentlemen here trying to watch a game." "The boob, hello." "Um, yes, I am in the privacy of my own home, the games are on, this is the best TV in the house, so yeah." "I'm sorry." "Nobody wants to see this." "Low class." "This kind of stuff does not fly at our place." "Come on, Pete, what do you say?" "Marshawn Lynch for Wes Welker?" "I..." "I can't look at you and talk to you right now, all right?" "You want some Wes Welker." "I do not negotiate with nipples, I'm sorry." "You need some Wes Welker." "Give me Doug Merton." "All right, you know what?" "I'll pull my dick out for Marshawn Lynch." "No." "I can't believe he said "no" to that." "Neither can I." "Look at your enemies." "It's like prison." "Find the strongest person..." "Arms up!" "...separate her from the rest." "Separate the chubby girl, 'cause she looks like she runs this place." "Take her down." "Remember what I told you about karate chop?" "What are you gonna do?" "Show me." "Come on!" "Oh, that's right." "Now, remember... if anybody asks, I'm your father." "Let's do this." "Oh, I'm seeing some new faces." "Hi!" "How you doing?" "I'm Gail." "Rodney Ruxin, Esquire." "Nice to meet you." "Means I'm a lawyer." "Great." "This is, uh, Geoffrey." "Hey, Geoffrey." "Are you ready to swim?" "Let's do this!" "Nice." "How many kids you got in this class?" "Uh, about ten." "How many do you expect to survive?" "All of them." "If you're doing your job right, only the strong survive." "All right, Mr. Ruxin." "Everybody calls me Rodney." "Cool." "All right, we're gonna start with the Superhero, okay?" "All you do, bend forward, and then you're gonna act like a superhero, put your arms up and then you push the water back." "Remember what I taught you." "Do this, but then stab." "Just do stab, stab." "Swim, swim, stab." "Who wants to get in the pool?" "Getting in the pool now?" "Yeah." "Cool." "Nice and steady, all right?" "Not too hard, not too rough, just little kicks." "Good, nice and gentle." "Little teeny kicks." "There you go." "Come on." "Nice!" "Okay, kick... keep kicking." "Raffi bomb!" "Whoa!" "What are you doing?" "You have not held him underwater." "You have not done anything that is viable survival skills." "Okay." "Well, I'm teaching him how to kick and float." "You've got him all hooked up to all this stuff." "What is this stuff?" "You think, when the Russians attack, we're all gonna get one of these?" "Wasting this kid's time." "You know what?" "First of all, I appreciate your enthusiasm, okay?" "Because all these other dads, they come out here, they just check their phones for the football scores, and I like that you're in the pool and you're taking an interest." "Yeah, I'm not like these other dads." "They're weak." "Like your husband, I'm sure." "Well, I'm single, so..." "Whee!" "How's it going?" "Hey, everybody, welcome to Mommy  Me." "We're gonna get started in a few minutes." " Hi, sorry I'm late." " Oh, hey!" "Oh, no problem." "Hey hey hey." "2:00, Kristin Cavallari." "There's a spot right over there." "That'd be great, thank you." "You know who she's engaged to?" "Jay Cutler." "And she brought the Cutler baby." "The Cutlet." "That's Baby Cutlet." "She's coming over here." "Hi, is there room for me here?" "Uh, yeah." "Yes, in fact, he was just leaving." "He can totally scoot over." "No, nope." "I'm staying." "Gosh, I thought I was gonna be so late." "I had to pump." "Oh, no, you're good, they're running late." "Should I clear out some space for Daddy here?" "Oh, no, Daddy would love to be here, but he's working." "Oh." "Yeah." "Oh." "Daddy's working." "Oh, I know that look, that's the "oh, I wish Jay was coming" look." "Jay?" "Jay..." "Who's this Jay you speak of?" "You can cut the shit." "Oh..." "Right, Jay!" "The..." "Jay... the quarter..." "quarter thrower." "You know what's so ridiculous?" "Guys used to come up to me and hit on me all the time." "Now I can't go anywhere without guys coming up like, "Hey, how's Jay's thumb?"" "Or, "How many yards do you think he's gonna throw for?"" "That is so inappropriate." "I know." "How is his thumb?" "Really?" "You, too?" "Sorry." "We can absolutely talk about how beautiful your baby is." "All the other players must just love him." "Bet you Matt Forte thinks he's really cute." "Matt is great with him, yeah." "Yeah." "Probably just bounces him on his knee." "As long as his ankle is strong enough." "Let me guess." "You didn't draft Michael Bush." "Forgot to handcuff him to Matt Forte?" "Listen, Cavallari, all I'm looking for is a little bit of information." "Monday night's game vs. Dallas." "Forte's listed as questionable." "I mean, what is questionable?" "What is it?" "It's how you're behaving right now." "Mmm, touché, Cavallari." "Oh, and I think something questionable is going on in that diaper." "Oh, come here, buddy." "That is a Cutler poop." "Cutler poop, Cutler poop." "That must be a monster poop." "I think that went really well." "Wait... what are you doing?" "That's some good milk." "Don't you dare touch that milk." "That is not your milk." "But it could be." "Leave it alone." "I'm gonna steal that milk." "No, you're not gonna steal breast milk." "I am gonna take it to Taco's party, have a couple drinks, and let your mom breastalyze that." "You are ruining my chances of becoming best friends with Jay Cutler." "You have no chance of being best friends with Jay Cutler." "I have a chance of having a great time and a couple of drinks at Taco's party." "You really want to milk-dope?" "Come on, babe." "Cutler baby breast milk?" "Think about how strong our baby will be." "Oh, God." "Cutler baby breast milk inside of our son." "He could be a quarterback at least at junior high level." " Come on." " All right, I'm in." " Yeah?" " Let's do it." " Okay." "Cover me." " Okay." "Okay." "Stop." "Hey, how you guys doing over there?" " Great." " So good." "Good." "Good." "Go, go, go." "Go, go." "Okay, okay." "Go, go, go, go, go, go." "Okay." "Oh, are you guys leaving?" "Oh, those poopy positions." "Yeah, I had Thai for lunch." "Oh..." "Yeah, we're gonna have to skedaddle." "Hey, tell Jay to call me." "He's not gonna call." "Bye, Kristin." "Bye." "Ah, hello, friends." "Come on in." "Hey!" "Thank you." "Good to see you guys." "Welcome to our humble abodes." "You live in one abode." "I hope there was a lot of traffic on the way over here so we have stuff to talk about." "No traffic." "Well, thanks for making the trek." "We really appreciate it." "We couldn't get a sitter." "You don't have any kids, Taco." "I heard people saying that, so..." "Okay." "Hey, guys!" "Welcome!" "George." "You guys remember George." "How's it going?" "Thanks, guys, for making the trek out here." "We could not find a sitter." "I tried that." "That doesn't work, apparently." "Well, you guys have a lot to catch up on." "I'm gonna go to the bar." "Make yourself at home." "This is nice." "Yeah, very nice." "Two couples." "Couple of couples." "I have so much to learn from you guys." "Thanks, Taco." "Thank you, Taco." "Notice how they're friendly with each other, but you can tell there's a lot of disdain right below the surface." " Yeah." " What?" "And notice how the female is wearing granny panties." "I'm not wearing granny panties." "I can tell by the way you walked in." "The granny panties actually help Kevin not be sexually attracted to her." "Oh, my meatballs!" "She is such a great homemaker." "Jesus Christ!" "How many butterflies are there, Taco?" "Come." "Let me show you guys around." "And this is what people refer to as a living room." "To make it feel more adult in here, we put away the skateboards, video games and most of the trampolines." "I see you kept the hydroponics out, though." "Those are strictly medicinal recreational." "And of course, we took out our fine china for you guys." " Oh, the bong." " Wow." "And, Jenny, there's a spare room back there if you feel the need to pump... instead of standing in front of everyone breasts akimbo, making a public spectacle of yourself." "I don't do that, Taco." "But I will need to pump while I'm here, so thank you." "Please." "Now both my boys are here." "Oh, thank you, Mom." "Just keep her away from the punch bowl." " Okay, Mom." " Wienies?" "Wienies?" "Oh, how lovely." "The bigger ones are sausages, and then these thin guys are sticks." "Not edible." "Thank you." "And here is my Meadows record." "How much of this stuff is ours?" "I know." "I found my Social Security card in the bathroom." "Oh, friends, come on." "Let's not talk about trivial matters." "Oh, have you guys met my lawyer Ruxin and his voluptuous wife Sofia?" " Hello." " Hi." "Hi, friends." "Can I offer you some chicken à la king tartare?" "Is that raw tuna on top of chicken?" "No, it's raw chicken on top of Cheez Whiz." "Oh, geez." "I'm gonna get us a couple of drinks." "Buddy, you seen this?" "Who's the future missing person?" "She's crazy." "We just had sex in the cab on the way over here." "In the back of a cab?" "In the back of her body." "She's up for anything." "And you know what?" "I've got you to thank for it." " How so?" " I met her at the swim class." "Wait, Raffi..." "She's the teacher." "Raffi, you can't bring the teacher from the swim class here." "In fact, I did." "You can't!" "My wife is here, and she can't know that you're pretending to be me!" "You need to get her out of here now." "Fine." "Cheers." "Hey, babe." "Hey, babe." "Get me a drink." "Yeah, just finished topping it off right there." "Thank you." "There you go." "Drink up..." "Mmm..." "...'cause you got to go." "What?" "You're dumped." "Do you notice that Baby Geoffrey's calling my brother "Daddy"?" "Yeah, you know, I guess a lot of people confuse Raffi and I." "I don't respect you, okay!" "Perfect." "I don't respect myself!" "What?" "!" "Okay, fine." "Truth be told, there's another girl here." "Awesome." "You're into that?" "!" "How do you think I got through nursing school?" "Ugh!" "You know what?" "You got to go." "I'm not going." "Just pack it up!" "I am here for..." "I don't find you attractive!" "I don't care!" "I think your face is gross, I think your boobs are different sizes, and I think this is way too big!" "All right, you are getting me so hot right now." " What?" "!" " Yes!" "Treat me like shit." "Oh, God." "You know what?" "No, let's go." "Come over here with me." "Hi." "Hi." "This is Gail." "Gail." "This is Sofia." "Hi." "The light of my life." "Yeah, right." "She's the most beautiful woman in the world." "Aw..." "I love you so much." "I love you so much." "Bullshit." "Bullshit?" "Fine." "Mmm!" "Oh!" "Wow." "Oh, okay." "Mmm-mmm!" "Sofia Ruxin forever unclean!" "I love you." "I love you." "All right, you know what?" "I don't have to take this." "You really messed this up, okay?" "What?" "You could have had sex with the most pathetic, insecure, desperate woman you've ever met." "I would have let you put me in a cage!" "I have a cage!" "Have fun in your cage alone!" "Later, Gail." "Hey, what was that all about?" "I was just messing around." "But by the way, great kiss." "Ugh!" "Really?" "I hope you're getting a lot of this, man, because this is some terrific kissing right here my sister does." "I'm a good kisser." "Yeah!" "Ugh!" "No!" "I mean, you're such a good kisser, you got my dick hard, and I'm your brother." "Oh, come on." "I didn't make you hard!" "You can check." "You can check." "Ah!" "Enough!" "We're going!" "Bye, honey." "I love you." "Bye." "I'll see you." "I love you." "Ugh!" "Bathroom?" "Bathroom?" "Whoo!" "Well, well, well, what do we have here?" "Some kind of crazy, awesome jerk-off machine, I assume?" "Hello, beautiful." "This is gonna get gross." "Can we please go home now?" "Everyone else is gone." "It's dark out." "Nope." "We have the babysitter until 10:00." "We are going to stay out until about 10:15." "Can you ease it down a little bit?" "You're drinking like Mickey Mantle." "Are you having another drink?" "No!" "Martha, this is the same glass of wine I have been nursing all night long." "Do you not believe me?" "I'll go pump right now." "You can test it." "I think that would be a good idea." "And you know what?" "I'll go do it in private 'cause I would hate to whip these ladies out in public." "I don't think the public would notice." "Great." "Honey, why are you mad at me?" "I didn't even do anything." "Okay, no one ate my chicken tartare, your friends are lame, and your mom smoked all of my pot." " You breaking up with me?" " Yeah." "You know what?" "If you're ever drunk late-night, just text me and we can screw." "George, don't stop walking." "Please leave." "Whoo!" "Since when did you start smoking pot?" "I sell Mom weed all the time." "You try knitting all those baby clothes without some weed." "Yeah." "We get baked together." " What?" " It's never hurt Taco." "It's not gonna hurt me." "I'm not pumping shit." "Thank you, Kristin." "Sorry, Cutler baby." "But suck it, Martha." "Hey, did you guys use that jerk-off machine in the guest room?" "What?" "Are you talking about my wife's breast pump?" "Nope." "I'm talking about the jerk-off machine." "Okay, does this jerk-off machine, Raffi, have a circle and some tubes coming out of it..." "Yeah." " ...and a pump that sucks it out?" " Yeah." "Sure." "Oh, my God!" "I didn't make a mess or anything." "I put the stuff in the bottle, the bottle in the bag, and I'm done!" "Wait, wait." "What bottle?" "The bottle that it came with." "Oh, my God." "That's not breast milk." "No, no, no." "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, no, no, no, no!" "I can't place it." "I can." "You guys can call me "Dad" from now on if you want." "Oh..." "Hey, Martha, test it and weep." "We're weeping." "And by the way, there's plenty more where that came from." "Oh!" "We should get out of here?"