"Sometimes when I look back at all of this," "I recoil in horror." "And other times, despite the violence and perversity, maybe because of it," "I glow with pride." "Yes?" "It's your guest." "That's the exit code." "Oh." "Okay, okay." "Uh..." "What was that?" "That was super weird." "That's one of Alan's little, you know..." "Well, does he ever change it?" "Sure, sure." "What if you drink, and you can't remember?" "Was that "Ring Around The Rosie" or "I Left My Heart"?" "The tricky part is it works both ways." "Both ways?" "You have to punch in a different code to get out." " Really?" " He rents the place out." "You know, like art shows, events." "It's very useful in business negotiations." "Business?" "You know, like a merger or a labour contract." "Two parties at each other's throats." "Lock 'em in here." "No way out." "You'd be surprised how quickly an irresistible force and an immoveable object start doing the tango." " Wait, wait." " What, what, what?" "Isn't that... the club?" "Oh!" "We've been tearin' it up down there, man!" "Alan, let me present to you my niece..." "Manya." "I'm charmed." " Alan!" "Please come in." " Thank you." " How good to see you." " Yes, likewise." " Let me take your coat." " Thanks." "How is it out?" "Still brisk?" "Brisk?" "It's downright treacherous." "Rain's frozen over." "It's like walking on glass." "Well, welcome to my overheated sublet." "My friend Sheila says the proper attire for New York in winter is a down overcoat, a pair of boots and a bathing suit." "Walk outside, and it's freezing." "Step indoors, and you sweat like a pig." "Yes." " You're looking well." " And you." "So you, uh, you moved to the city." " Columbia Med School." " How do you like it?" "I'm looking forward to my surgery rotation, learning how to use a scalpel." "Why did you invite me here?" "Gregory said I had to meet you." "He said you were a real New York character." "I'm not sure that's a compliment." "It's not." "Well, is it true?" "Are you a character?" "I have my moments." "I bet you do." "And do you boogie?" " Not like that." " Like what then?" "Come on!" "I've worn poor Gregory out." "Yeah!" "And you, sir, will you dance with me?" " So you own that club?" " Downstairs?" "Yeah, I used to." "Actually, I still got a piece of it." "He owns a piece of everything." "And everybody." "Oh." "You know, I like making things happen." "And what do you make happen?" "I don't know." "Life?" "Oh!" "Pretentious!" "You think so?" "You think?" "And what is life?" "Something unexpected?" "Jarring?" "You're startled, scared." "You feel the impulse to stifle it, but something else inside tells you to go on, to let it happen." "So you take a deep breath, and you plunge, holding on for dear life, and suddenly you find yourself in some place you have never been before." "And you're asking yourself, "Is this really happening?"" "Your heart is pounding." "You're a possibility." "You're an infinite series of possibilities." "You got flesh and bone, blood, heart, mind, a quim." "And you're alive!" "But it's scary, right?" "I mean, you're dancing with your uncle, and now you're dancing with me, and suddenly it's not just friendly anymore." "It's more..." "It's intimate." "Like we've known each other for years." "And you don't know what that means and why it's happening, but it is happening, isn't it?" "Come on, Alan." "You don't want to ruin the fun." "No, of course not." "Oh, would you like..." "I've made martinis." " Oh, I don't drink gin." " Stoli?" "Oh." "Cheers." "So you were pleased to get my invitation?" "Pleasantly shocked." "I promised you dinner, didn't I?" " Yeah, but that was.." " It's more than a year later, but under the circumstances, I thought you'd understand." "No." "Under the circumstances, I don't understand at all." "That's why I'm here." "Well, Alan, times change." "People change." "As you said then, I was very young when we met." "What are you making there?" "It smells absolutely.." " Manigot con quattro formaggi." " Manigot what?" "Manicotti stuffed with four cheeses in a ragu sauce." "It's basically my mother's recipe." "Mmm!" "Oh, this is really delicious." "I hope so." "I've spent enough time preparing it." "I wanted everything to be... just right." "What?" "What are you thinking?" "I don't know." "What you're doing here tonight seems... extraordinary." "How so?" "Well, you're preparing this meal." " Feast." " Feast." "Sorry." "For me." "I decided not to be a victim." "Very smart." "Yes, I was able to find... a different perspective." "Different than I had at the time." "Good." "And what is this new perspective?" "You're seeing it." "Dance with me, girl." "I am dancing!" "You dance with me, mister!" "All right!" "That's it!" "More!" "More!" " Merci, mademoiselle." " De rien." "Wow." " Told you." " Yeah, but..." "And afterward, you catch your breath, and you realise you survived it." "Something happened." "You're not sure what, and you survived it after all." "I must be drunk." "Excuses, apologies." "What did we have, like three drinks?" " I'm totally drunk." " Tell me this." "When people are drunk, are they not themselves or more themselves?" "Both?" "She's very sharp." " I told you." " Told him what?" "You don't think I'd waste my time on just any 19-year-old, do you?" "I don't know." "I'm kidding." "Gregory tells me you're graduating this spring." "A year ahead of her class." "No way." "With a major in..." "Don't tell me." "French lit." "Hah!" "No?" "Art criticism?" "Pre-med." "A doctor who can dance." "How liberated." "Well, you know what Emma Goldman said." "Yeah, she's not really my style." ""If you can't dance to it, it's not my revolution."" "My dear, I think you could dance to anything." "Cognac, anyone?" "No, thank you." "I've had enough." "So..." "I can see you're pleased with your uncle." "Very." "And he's delighted with you." "Well, you know, she's grown since I've seen her last." " And how long is that?" " Years." " Three?" " Since the funeral, really." "And in that time, well, you must have turned into a woman." "Your eyes." "They're not really a colour, are they?" " Can I kiss you?" " Why?" "I just want to." "I want to see what it's like." "Okay." "Well?" "You said you wanted to see what it would be like." "Yes, and I found out." "But you're not gonna tell." "That hardly seems fair." "Fair?" "You look different than I remembered, Alan." "Well, that's not surprising." "We met only once." "True." "Go on." "How do I look different?" "You're very suave, elegant." "Well, I try to be." "It's a pose." "Yes, I remembered that much." "But I think in my memory, I made you somehow ominous." " And now?" " You seem ordinary." " A life's work down the drain." " Just like anyone I might meet." "I mean, you're still you." "You're still Alan, but..." " Go on." " Well, to look at you, you'd never guess what you're capable of." "So I'm confused." "For two people who get along so famously, why the three-year separation?" "Your college is nearby, right?" "Just outside Philly." "So I would have thought, under the circumstances.." "I was afraid." "Of Gregory?" "I'm sorry." "Am I being too personal?" "I don't know." "I don't really know you, so I don't know if I can trust you." " What do you want to know?" " About you?" "Sure." "If this is a game of trust, then I should really go first, right?" "Go on." "What have you got to lose?" "He's very provocative." "Yes." "Do you want to ask him a question?" "I don't know what to ask." "I really love my uncle." "I had hoped when I saw him again, he'd be... well, like this." "But it's even better than my fantasy." "That's you, kid." "You got it." "Your father's brains, intuition, spirit." " His looks?" " Oh, God, no." "Oh, your mother, you got her eyes, her colouring, her bod." " Hey!" " Don't you think?" "I think." "You knew my mother?" "Gregory took us all out to dinner." "Some frou-frou French joint." "Really?" "Yeah." "They irritated me." "No!" "Why?" "They seemed so young and perfect." "And they flirted with each other." "And they talked to each other." "Well, one talked and the other listened." "And then the second one talked, and the first one listened." "It was a very unconventional marriage." "Yeah, they were pretty great." "They were pretty hot, too." " No!" " They'd have these sex bouts." "No!" "Eww!" "Before you were born, your mother would wear your father out." " Gregory!" " She'd tease him about it." "About how she'd have to take another lover or two or three." "But it was mostly in fun, of course." "Of course." "I should think so." "Nobody has affairs in Ohio." "Not where we lived." "So you were just an old-fashioned American family." "Well, that's the virtue of the provinces right there." "Provinces?" "You know, Ohio, the Midwest." "Here in the city, marriage exists primarily for sport." "Sport?" "What sport?" "Well, after a while..." "You're way too young to feel this, but it gets boring sleeping around when you're single." " Says you." " It does." "Society sanctions it." "It's on the cover of magazines." "The thrill is gone." "But... adultery?" "Sneaking behind someone's back?" "Stolen moments with the babysitter or a stewardess or the wife of some business competitor?" " That's exciting." "That's hot." " That sounds sick." "Sure, it's a little sick, but we need excitement." "We need the element of risk in order to feel alive." "Some people race cars." "Some people parachute out of planes." "And some people just fuck." "And you?" "Attagirl!" "Are you married?" "Where's your wife?" "In Jersey." "And you're here?" "I told you." "I stay here a few nights a week on business." " Funny business?" " It's happened." " Often?" " Oh, God." "I thought I could ask you anything." " You can." " You're being evasive." "No, I'm just trying to phrase my answers in a provocative way." "So what does your wife think about this loft and so on?" "She doesn't think." "She has her house." "That's it?" "She also has our children." "Three lovely girls." "Spoiled beyond belief." "She swims in the pool." "She screws the gardener, some low-class trash." "All-in-all, it's a very satisfactory marriage by New York standards." "Of course, it's not what your parents had, but what they had wasn't really..." "Wasn't what?" "Wasn't suitable to my nature." "What's really different from my memory..." "I mean, I knew if things went as far as they did, that I must have had some part in it." "Something coming from me to you." " A flirtation at least." " At least, yeah." "And I knew if I had been flirting, you must have been attractive." "Despite the ominous quality." "Yes, so I made you attractive in my memory." "Well, thanks, I appreciate the gesture." "Yes, I made you handsome." "What I realise now is you are handsome." "Why, thank you." "Oh, not a compliment." "Just an observation." "That's why when you walked in tonight," " I thought something complex." " Yes." "A strange combination of attraction and repulsion." "I think that's called sexual energy." "Is it?" "Who is that?" "Hello?" "It's your uncle, kid." "Gregory's coming?" "Wasn't that the plan?" "I cook for the three of us?" "Yeah, but that was not what I..." "But what?" "Well, I was bewildered by your invitation." "But after what happened last year, I just..." "Go on, please." "Well, I just thought that.." "And frankly, your behaviour tonight would seem to justify my expectation." "I thought there might be some romantic element to the evening." "You know, a continuation of our previous meeting." "Hmm." "Do you have a boyfriend?" "I did for two years." "And?" "He was very nice." "That's a kiss of death." "Well, yes, actually, in this case." "I was a scrawny nerd in high school, so Sam was really my first..." "I can't believe I'm telling you this." "That's a talent Alan has, you know?" "He draws people out, and then he collects 'em." "I don't want to be collected." "Gregory's being unfair." "I told you I have no secrets." "That's Alan's secret, okay?" "He tells you what he had for breakfast, right?" "Then you tell him who you screwed for lunch." "And what does he do with these secrets afterwards?" "That doesn't sound very nice." "It's not, Manya." "It's not a nice city." "It's not a nice world." "One has to put on armour." "This is what you meant, isn't it, about New York, walking the streets?" "What?" "What did he say?" "To keep safe, don't look straight ahead." "Always out of the corner of your eye." "That's very good." "My boyfriend.." "I'm very monogamous." "And, well, sex can be pretty scary, right?" "Intense?" "Yeah, it can be, yeah." "And I wasn't scared with him, so I thought I loved him." "I mean, that's how it's supposed to be, right?" "The two go together?" "Sex and love?" "Not really, no." "I mean, in my experience." "Well, then Sam asked me to marry him." "I got all excited like... started losing things..." "forgetting to go to class, stubbing my toe and cutting my finger." "I realised I'm hurting myself." "I don't love him at all." "Not the way my parents felt." "He was just first." "So you broke up." " Six weeks ago." " Smart move." "And since then, have you, uh... gained more experience?" "That is none of your business." "Just curious." "The answer to your question..." " Do I have your attention?" " Yes." "Your answer is no." "Well, you're very brave to say it." "Oh, thank you." "I told you, people tell him everything." "Yes, well, he promises something in return, doesn't he?" " And what do I promise?" " I'm not sure." "I guess I'll find out when it gets here." "Right, and how will you recognise it?" "I'll be looking straight ahead, and I'll see it out of the corner of my eye." "Gregory really is making a New Yorker of you in, what, like three days?" "In three days!" "Staten Island Ferry at midnight." "Excuse me?" "Thanksgiving dinner at the Four Seasons." "Bar hopping in SoHo." "Oh!" "Oh!" "And then we went to this illegal blackjack parlour on the Upper East Side!" " She won!" " $80!" " And you?" " $600!" " You won?" " I lost!" "And then last night.." "Now this was the highlight of the visit." "No, until tonight!" "Every night gets better." "She cooked me a feast." "She can cook, too?" "This is excessive." "Yeah, you figure a college kid, she's gonna open up a few soup cans." "My mother taught me." "Mozzarella marinara!" "And then green salad with pears and hot goat cheese dressing." " Wow." " And veal sorrentino." "My mouth is watering." "I adore Italian food." "Oh, then sometime I'll cook for you." "Really?" "How about tomorrow?" "Tonight." " I have to go back to school." " Oh, no." "Yeah, but you'll be back for Christmas, right?" "Your birthday?" "Well, if you can stand me again." "She's comin' back." "It's settled then." "Christmas Eve." "You're on!" "Jesus, it's an ice rink out there." "So I've heard." "I'm slippin', I'm slidin'." "Twice I fell on my tush." "Must've been a nice, soft landing." "Hey, I didn't expect to see you here." "It's mutual." "Oh, wow." "How about a hug, a kiss, a friendly greeting, huh?" "Yeah." "Much better." "Yeah." "You look sharp." "Thank you." "What do you say, douchebag?" "She looks sharp, no?" "Very sharp." "Yeah, she's a lousy niece, though." "Has no respect for family, a person's feelings." "All right, Gregory, what did I do?" "No, no, no." "Question is what did I do?" "You know, I show you New York." "You know, high spots, low spots." "You know, we start to feel like family, right?" "Then you go off to school, and I don't hear from you." " I told you I was busy." " Yeah, yeah." "Some big romance." "So you get a new boyfriend." "Doesn't mean you desert your family, does it?" "And then you move here, and you don't tell me." "I don't know where you are." "Now you know." "Now you're here." "You're a lucky man." "I know." "I'm the lucky one to have such an uncle." "Then why'd you stay away so long?" "You said you were afraid for three years?" " Not afraid of him." " No." "We'd talk on the phone, but she wouldn't visit." "But telephone's different." "I mean, God may be perverse, but he won't kill someone, you know," "just 'cause you talk to him on the phone." "Oh, I see." "You're afraid of losing those you love, so... you don't love anybody?" "Something like that." "It's amazing." "You don't seem embittered at all." "Time helps." "And Sam did." "There are still scars." "But... you can't see 'em anymore." "I have to pee." "Oh." "Down the hall to your left." " Feel free to look around." " Don't worry, I will." " Can I ask you one question?" " Of course." "Was it you got scared again?" "Scared?" "Well, you said you wouldn't come see me 'cause of what happened to your folks." "You know, so I thought maybe.." "And that's why I didn't press you about it." "I figured maybe even though we had such a good time that maybe you got scared again." "I was not scared." "Well, good." " Have a martini." " Thank you." " She's trying to get us drunk." " No." "Just trying to lubricate the social situation." "Alcohol does that, no?" " Alcohol does a lot of things." " I know." "It lowers one's defences, lowers one's resistance." "Drink up." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Good." "Warms me up." "So how are you, Alan?" "Oh, weary, excited, intrigued." "Never better." "So tell me about this big romance, the one that kept you from visiting Christmas vacation, spring vacation." "It ended badly." "You know how these things go." "Relationships can get pretty messy." " Should we tell him?" " Tell him what?" "You know." "She's my niece." "Gregory, I just..." "I just want to talk to her." "There, back in the bedroom?" "Cameras." "Yeah?" "What, you make sex tapes here or something?" "No, I told you I rent the apartment a few times a month." "And people use it to.." "People do whatever they do, right?" "Sometimes, as I said, it's for events, business negotiations and so on and such forth." "Other times," "I'm sure it's for pleasure." "Oh." "Yeah." "That's why I have that music box on the door downstairs, instead of a key." "Someone calls up, needs a place to stay," "I just tell 'em what tune to play." ""Mary Had a Little Lamb."" "Yes." "You know, in Russian, my name, it means Mary." "Really?" "Let me ask you something." "This apartment, the cameras, renting it out, does that seem somehow sordid to you?" "I see it in a different way." " I'm sure you do." " I see this as a sanctuary." "Come on." "I see this as a place where anything can happen." "Where anything must happen." "And after it's happened, it's forgotten." "Like Vegas." "Just like Vegas." "He brings blonde bimbos up here, screws their brains out and doesn't feel guilty." "Is that true?" "You like blonde bimbos?" " With big boobs." " Yes." " And they like him, too." " Truth is... most people haven't the faintest idea what they like." "All they know is they like to be liked." "It sounds like you're pretty indiscriminate." "Oh, no." "He's very particular." "He only chooses bimbo blondes." "Yeah, thanks, Greg." "I'm that rarity amongst men in that I genuinely appreciate women." "And what I like most about them is their femininity." "So many women today disguise that." "They cut their hair short, dress like teenage boys." "But why?" "Blondes are different." "A girl says by choosing to remain or becoming a blonde, she says she's not ashamed of her femininity." "She prizes it." "And I prize it, too." "Wow!" "That is like... totally full of shit." "You think so?" "Do you record these sex bouts with these bimbos?" "No." "I'm a very private person." " He means secretive." " I mean private." "I told you, what happens here is forgotten." "It all seems..." "seems a little sad to me." "I'm sorry." "Sad?" "Yeah." "These blonde women, your marriage." "It seems like you're lonely." "Why are you laughing?" "I don't know." "It may sound lonely, but it's not." "Not now." "Sometimes... when I imagine myself growing old, living like this," "I'm glad I'm rich." "Yeah." "Is that honest enough for you?" "You're a very interesting man." "Thank you." " I'm gonna go." " What?" " Really?" " Just for a little while." " You'll be okay." " Where are you going?" "Oh, um, uh, you know that girl I was dancing with downstairs?" " The redhead?" " Yeah." "Is she like waiting for you or something?" "No, I don't think so." "No, I'm just gonna go down, get her phone number, whatever." "That's fine." "I have the key to your apartment." "No, I'll be back in an hour." "Yeah, sure." "See you in the morning, Uncle." "Are you gonna be okay?" "Yeah." "Alan can call me a cab or the doorman downstairs." "Got it on the first try." "Gregory?" "Alan, he..." "He slept with me." "Yeah, yeah, I figured." "You figured?" "Well, it seemed like a possibility." "Yeah." "That's why I didn't come back to New York." "It freaked me out." "Oh." "I see." "Now that's been said, uh, hors d'oeuvres?" "So I hope you like it." "Ooh, what is this?" "Puff pastry with cream and herbs, a little sausage." "Oh, my God, that is fabulous." "Thank you." " Alan, how are you feeling?" " Terrific." "I mean, are you more relaxed than you were earlier?" " Yes, definitely." " I'm glad." "Alone at last." "Yeah." "You want some more cognac?" "I'm fine, thanks." "Hey, Alan, what do you do?" " Do?" " For a living." "Gregory was a little vague." "Was he?" "Oh, uh..." "I'm a middleman." "You know, I..." "I arrange things." "Oh." "I don't know what that means." "If somebody wants something that's difficult to obtain, they call me." "I buy it as cheaply as I can." "I sell it for as much as I can get away with." "What do you buy and sell?" "Oh, just about anything." "Anything?" "And anybody?" "Afraid so." "For the right price, everyone's for sale." " I don't believe that." " A famous story." "Bernard Shaw offered a girl five pounds to sleep with him." "She was incensed." "Very upset." ""What do you think I am?" That sort of thing." "So he offered her 500,000 pounds, and the girl realised that she's gonna be set for life." "She agreed." ""Good," Shaw says." ""Then it's only a matter of price."" "Sounds like you're a pimp." "Everyone is." "Either a pimp or a whore." "A pimp gets the money." "A whore gets fucked." "That's a choice." "There's also the john." "He pays and gets fucked both." "What a pessimistic view of the world." "Not really." "What if you meet someone with principles?" "Oh." "You approach them differently." "With power." "Everyone has a weak point." "With practice, you learn to find out exactly where it is." "You sound very confident." "Well, one way or another, I get what I want." "Always?" "Doesn't that get," "I don't know, boring?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it does." "That's why I'm always looking for new challenges, new things." "Switch it up, you know." " What about me?" " What about you?" "Could you buy me?" "I doubt it." "So you'd have to use power." "You want an honest answer?" "You afraid to give one?" "I like you, Manya." "And I have no desire to buy you or overpower you." "Well, yeah, but if you did?" "Have such a desire?" "There'd be no problem." "Really?" "Like I say, everybody has a weak point." "You're only 19." "Meaning I'm virtually defenceless?" "Well..." "You're probably right." "What about my uncle?" "Gregory?" "He's an old friend." "Yeah, but if you wanted something from him, could you get it?" "I already own your uncle." "Own him?" "He owes me a debt." "For what?" "Something I did for him." "You think of your uncle as a good man, don't you?" " Yes." " And he is." " He's a good man." " Despite..." "Despite what I'm about to tell you, he's still a good man." "So 10, 12 years ago, your uncle has a business partner who's trying to squeeze him out." "It was a nasty situation." "This guy, I don't remember his name," "Freddy, Fritz, he fucked Gregory with these legal papers, and your uncle was gonna get nothing." "Absolutely nothing." "So I had the man's legs broken." "What?" "I hired two guys to break the man's legs." "Oh." "A week later, Fritz, whatever his name is, he sells the business to Gregory for quite a reasonable price." "So that's why you own Gregory." "I didn't charge him anything for it." " It was a favour." " Oh, I get it." "So you're saying everything Gregory has, the apartment on Fifth Avenue, his Cadillac.." "He owes it all to me." "Yes." "We're... friends." "I'm not sure I'd like to be your friend." "Well, you wouldn't want to be my enemy, would you?" "Agreed." "Besides, I thought we were friends already." "Aren't you gonna make dinner for me?" "I guess." "I just...never had a friend who goes around breaking people's legs before." " I didn't do it, Manya." " Of course not!" "Don't wanna get your hands dirty." "And it's not something I do very often, either." "You know, this was just..." "It was just one of those things, you know?" "But isn't this exactly what you mean by power?" "Don't you have to be willing at any moment to break a man's legs?" "To have them broken?" "Yes." "Alan told me about breaking that guy's legs." "He told me that the two of you are friends." "You owe him." "Owe a debt you can never really repay." "Alan raped me, Gregory." " What do you mean, last year?" " Yes." "That night?" "Is that true?" "If that's how she wants to see it." "How do you see it?" "With my own eyes." "She wanted it." "And I gave her what she wanted." "Really?" "You serviced me, is that it?" "Yes." "You wanted sex." "And you know in your heart of hearts all I did was fulfil a certain imperative." "One both of us created." "That's a lie, and you know it." "But, Gregory, she's not telling you the whole story." " I'm not?" " No, no, you're not." "It's a little more complex than she suggests." "Yes, that's true." "For instance, she kissed me." "When?" "Tonight before you arrived." "Kissed me on the lips." " That's true, too." " I don't understand." " Are you angry at him?" " You tell me." "But if he raped you, why would you kiss him?" "Because... he took something very precious from me, and I wanted to take a piece of it back." " I'm sorry." " Yes, but for what?" "Introducing you to him." "You'll be forgiven." "When the night is over, you'll both be forgiven." "I see." "That's what this evening is, a ritual of atonement." "When it's over, we'll share an understanding that certain things can be survived." "Certain things can be forgiven." "Anyways, in my eyes, you're equally responsible." "I don't think that's fair." "If a man puts a woman.." "locks a woman in a cage with a lion, who's responsible for her death?" "The man or the lion?" " What?" " Am I the lion?" "He's your friend." "You left me alone with him." " I know, but..." " Why?" "I told you, I went down to the club to talk to the.." "Why did you leave me, Gregory?" "I asked you!" "I asked you if you were gonna be okay." "Tell me the real reason." "You knew what would happen, didn't you?" " Yes, he knew." " No, I promise you!" "You didn't know I'd be raped?" "Of course not!" "If I had known.." "If I had suspected that.." "You knew Alan wanted to sleep with me, didn't you?" "Well, I could see he was attracted to you." "And did I want to sleep with him?" " Yes, she did." " I don't know." "It seemed as if you liked him." "I was 19, Gregory." "I'd had one lover." "Did I really seem like the sort of girl who'd hop in the sack with your friend here?" "I don't know." "Maybe not." "Then what did you think would happen if you left us alone together?" "Left me alone with a lion who always, he tells me," "always gets what he wants." "Be honest." "I thought that..." " I didn't think about it." " Yes, you did." "Well, I thought that he'd probably seduce you." "And if I couldn't be seduced?" "Well, you were pretty drunk." "I wasn't that drunk." "No, no, I guess you weren't." "I think now you see, don't you?" "What I see?" "Yeah, yeah, I see." "Well, done." "No, well done, bravo." "It's all right, Gregory." "I'll forgive you." "I'm really..." "I'm very, very..." "Forget it." "Have a drink and relax because it's all out in the open now." "Everything's out in the open." "When your parents died, weren't you angry?" "Of course." "There was someone else involved, right?" "Two kids drag racing." "One of them hung on for a few weeks and died." "The other lost two toes." "That's it." "Two fucking toes." "Did you go see him, this kid with the toes?" "What for?" "Oh, I don't know." "If that was me," "I'd want to look him in the eye and say," ""You killed my parents."" "I didn't want to think about it any more than I had to." "Yeah, I guess as we get older, we tend to face life more squarely." "I have time." "In ten years, they'll still be dead." "In 20 years, 30." "When I have children and grandchildren, my parents will still be lying on that road outside of Pittsburgh, and there's nothing I can do about it." "I hate cars." "I hate violence." "Yeah, but it's part of life." "I hate what you told me about Gregory." "You have to accept all of life, Manya, otherwise.." "Why?" "Why do we?" "Why can't we throw out the bad part?" "You throw it out, and it'll come back at you." " Really?" " Every time." "So we're just supposed to live with it?" "I think so, yeah." "But if I do that, doesn't it become part of me?" "Eventually, yeah." " I don't want that to happen." " It's gonna happen one way or.." " I don't believe that!" " 'Cause you're young." "I'm not that young!" " Yes, you are." " My parents died." "So what?" "Did that make you a grown-up?" " You still have heroes." " Who?" "Your uncle, your mother, father." "My parents were wonderful people." " Perhaps, but not heroes." " Why do you say that?" "Because there are no heroes, Manya." "When you make heroes, you're creating myths, lies." " Your uncle broke a man's legs." " Yeah, but my parents didn't." "They didn't do anything like that." "Not as far as I know, but that doesn't make them perfect either." "Of course not, but almost." "Oh, you're so naive." "How do you know?" "You only met them once." "That's right." "You don't know what you're talking about." "I do." "You think your parents were perfect." "I know for a fact that's not true." "What, did Gregory tell you something?" "No, no." "Gregory didn't have to." "I mean, Gregory knows, but he didn't have to tell me." "I know first-hand." "What?" "What do you know?" "Have a drink, Manya." "Good." "As I said," "I met your parents only once." "Right." "Dinner with Gregory." "But I spoke to your father many other times." "Often, in fact." "In fact, almost every time he came to New York." "Daddy.. called you?" "What for?" "He needed a place to stay." "Oh, you mean he stayed here." "What, for business?" "What do you think?" " I don't believe it." " Okay." "You're saying he always stayed here?" "There were even times he'd come into the city with your mother, and he'd slip away in the afternoon." " Stop it." " Pretend he..." "I said stop it!" "Okay, I stopped." "How do you know what he did here?" "Do you know?" "I think so." "How do you know?" "He'd ask for phone numbers." "Girls." "Blondes with big boobs?" "Sometimes." "And he'd come here and tape it for his own amusement?" "Other times he's ask for thin brunettes." "College girls with long, dark hair and pert young breasts." "It's amazing, isn't it?" "What?" "How readily you believe all this." "I just say it, you believe it." "Wait, wait, are you saying that you just made all that up?" "No." "It's true, it's all true." "I'm just pointing out that you believe it." "Okay, but I'm all confused now." "You got me all turned around." "Why?" "I don't know whether to believe it." "It's true, Manya." "And the fact that you believed it means you knew it was true already." "You see that now, right?" "You see that even if it weren't true, it would still be true." " Why did you tell me all this?" " Because I like you." "So you make me unhappy?" "That doesn't follow." "No, I like you, and I want you to grow up." "Well, I can do that on my own, thank you very much." "I mean, it happens anyway, doesn't it?" "No, some people never open their eyes at all." "Well, did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want to have my eyes opened?" "Forced open?" "True, but you waltz in here tonight like some goddamn princess and dancing and prancing with your knight in shining armour, your uncle, mourning so romantically for the lost king and queen, your parents." "It was a little hard to take." "I see." "I want to go home." "Not yet." "I want to go." "I'm feeling really bad." "Yeah." " Very, very sad." " Well, it's okay to feel sad." "Thank you for your permission!" "I don't like you." "Why?" "'Cause I told you the truth?" "I don't know." "I don't know how to think about this." "Are you just being mean to me?" "No." "No, not at all." "Well, it feels like it." "I told you I like you." "Really?" "Yeah." "You're one of the few." "The few that's strong enough to see the world as it really is." "Not the way the stories say it is or pretend it should be." "But the truth... is very simple and very ugly." "And you're strong enough to see that and face it and move on." " No, I'm not." " You are." "No, don't cry, don't cry." "Come here, come here." "It's okay." "Oh, you're delicate." "So, so delicate." "Oh." "Thank you." "I needed to cry." "Right." "It's okay." "Well, this has been quite an evening." "Yeah." "That kiss." "Yes." "What did it mean?" "You know." "I want to go home." "Where is your home?" "Your uncle's apartment?" "I think you are very beautiful." "Exquisite." "Really." "I thought you liked blondes with big boobs." "Them too." "This is all getting a little crazy." "I know." "I'm scared." "It's just feeling alive, Manya." "No, no, it's not." "It's fear." "I want to sleep with you." "No." "No." "Yes, yes." "I don't want to." "Well, you don't have any choice." "Of course I do." "No, not tonight." "I told you, I always get what I want." "You don't want to do that." "Yes, I do." "You're a nice person." "No, I'm not." "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "No." "Please!" "I know." "It looks ridiculous, but I've saved a lot of shirts this way." "I feel like we're in church." "You are." "No, I mean with the candles and the mood." "Well, a meal is a sacrament, right?" "I don't know about that, but... it looks and smells absolutely sensational." "We thank thee, Lord, for this food we're about to receive, for the company about to receive it." "May you bathe us all in your mercy." "We need it." " Amen." " Amen." "Bon appetit." "Mmm." "This is exquisite." "You said it's stuffed with four cheeses?" "Ricotta, mozzarella, gorgonzola dolce and Reggiano." "The flavour's so rich, it's just..." "I'm glad you like it." "I was afraid you'd lose your appetites, and all my work would be for naught." "The one thing is I can always eat." "When I'm happy, I eat to celebrate." "And if I'm unhappy, I eat to feel better." "Oh!" "I forgot the wine!" "It's not a proper meal without wine, is it?" "Uncle, will you do the honours?" "Thanks." "You know, Alan, there were some things you said last year" "I've thought a lot about." "What things?" "About not running away, confronting things head-on." "Like your parents' death?" "Or what happened last year?" "Yes." "Bad things." "May we always remember this evening." "Amen." "Hear, hear." "Other things, too." "You talked about using your power." "Yes." "About how young I was, how innocent." "You were." "What I really think about, though, is the price you pay when you lose it." "You see, it's important to me to be a good person." "When I was innocent, that really wasn't a problem." "But now, well, I realise I'm really capable of anything." "Anything?" "And that scares me." "It really does." "I don't know what you're talking about, kid." "You still seem like a sweetheart to me." "Then maybe I should tell you the rest of my story." "So now the truth comes out, does it?" "When I got back to college, everything was very strange, like I was looking at the world from a great distance, just observing, watching what other people did, what I did, like it was all happening on television." "And I'd laugh at people or cry at inappropriate times, like the other students weren't really there." "They were just this show I was watching." "My friends tolerated it at first, but after about a week or so, they started to avoid me, except for my friend Sarah, who was pre-med also and who I always studied with." "Sarah teased me, called me "Zombie."" "She'd tell me, "Come eat now," and I'd go eat, or if it was time to go to class." "She was kind of my nurse." "Around Christmastime, in that distant way I was observing everything," "I realised I was pregnant." "What?" "I said to myself, "Manya missed her period." " She might be pregnant."" " From me, Manya?" "And I liked it." "It's like it made the show more interesting." "Wait, wait, wait." "Are you saying I'm the father?" "There wasn't anyone else, Alan." "You got pregnant from one fuck?" "One fuck, one sperm." "That's kind of all it takes, right?" "How it happens?" "Right, but I..." "I ate compulsively, and I gained a lot of weight." "25 pounds by the end of January." "Hold on." "I think I figured it out, why you invited me here tonight." "Why?" "You want me to pay for your baby." "Our baby." "And yes, Alan, I want you to pay." "Where's the baby?" "I kept watching myself." "Watch Manya gain 30 pounds." "Watch her freak everyone out by not talking." "Watch her study for 12 hours a day and ace all of her tests." "Finally, Sarah couldn't take it anymore." "She screamed, slapped me, told me I had to come back from wherever I was or she'd abandon me just like everyone else." "Did you have the baby?" " I didn't." " What?" "The odd thing was it didn't occur to me for a long time that being pregnant meant that I was going to have a baby." "Rape Baby, I called it." "The baby started kicking." "And that's what brought me out of it." "Plus my back hurt, and I was getting haemorrhoids." "And it finally hit me that this wasn't TV." "I was really in this fat body, and this fat body really did have a baby inside of it." "And I was really gonna have that baby unless I did something about it." "So I went to a doctor in Philly." "An abortionist." "Yeah, but he wouldn't do it because I was so far along." "I would think not." "And even though I'd been raped, well, after a certain point, it stops being an abortion, technically speaking, and it becomes a premature delivery." "A murder." "Yes." "So no other doctor would touch it either." "And then one night, a very black night alone, it came to me." "I talked to Sarah, and, well, I didn't tell her the whole plan." "What plan?" "She was going out with this guy who graduated the year before and was in med school at Penn." "A really sweet guy." "Phillip." "I mean, he was nuts to do what he did, but he gave us what we needed and told Sarah what to do, and we figured we could pull it off." " Pull what off?" " Abort it." "You aborted a six-month-old baby?" "25 weeks." " Was it born alive?" " No." "But it might have been, right?" "Not the way we did it." "You killed the baby." "My baby." "Yes." "You fathered a child, and I let it grow until it was pretty big and its heart was beating." "But I didn't want it to live, and so I killed it." "I did to it what you did to me." "No." "Not at all." "It felt pretty close." "Was it a boy or a girl?" "This is how we did it." "Phillip gave us an empty syringe, a speculum, another syringe full of saline." "Oh, and then in case things didn't go smoothly, this thing about that long, called an "amniotic hook."" "The medical equivalent of a knitting needle." " I don't believe this." " I know!" "And it was the worst time of year, final exams." "But I had a week between my bio and chem finals and another week before orals, so we figured I'd make it through." "Phillip made it clear to Sarah and indirectly to me that what we were doing was very dangerous." "And completely illegal." "Oh, sorry, Alan." "Legal, illegal." "I didn't think those things concerned you." "As I was saying, dangerous." "If the foetus doesn't come out quickly, severe, even fatal infection is pretty likely." "I didn't care." "I knew exactly what I wanted to do." "First, I peed, emptied the bladder." "Then Sarah gave me a local anaesthetic and prepared the needle." "I hate needles, and this mother had a 14-gauge bore." "It was huge." "She felt around for my uterus and stuck the needle straight through my belly." " Jesus." " First she pulls the plunger and takes out 100 cc's of amniotic fluid, then she switches the syringe and injects 50 cc's of hypertonic super-saturated saline solution." "That's what killed the baby." "Yes." " Sounds efficient." " Yep." "Can you speed this up?" "It's a little hard to take." "Right?" "So then we wait." "Nothing happens." "No contractions." "The saline, as well as killing the kid, is supposed to induce labour, but my uterus hadn't read the textbooks." "I just lay there in this kind of existential hell." "Sarah's sipping Diet Coke and studying for her exams, and I'm just waiting." "Through all this, what keeps me going is my anger." "A light, an ugliness shining in the distance." "Very far away, but clear and bright." "And every time I start to freak out," "I close my eyes and see it." "You know that anger, don't you, Alan?" "Everyone knows it, my dear, but only a few of us are able to harness it." "Yes." "Phillip told us if the foetus didn't come out in 12 hours, we should use the hook." "But the hook increases the risk of infection." "Sarah didn't want to try it." "I forced her." "My cervix is slightly dilated now, and so she reaches up there with this thing." "Poke and pull, poke and pull." "The damn bag is slippery." "And Sarah's crying because she's afraid she's gonna tear me open." "But she doesn't." " The water finally bursts." " Thank God." "Philip says if the baby doesn't come right out, we have to go to the hospital." "Sarah's in a panic." "What if I die?" "What if she's arrested for manslaughter?" "But I refuse to go." "No doctors, no hospitals, no nurses." "It has to be just me and Sarah." ""It's going to be okay," I tell her." "Everything's going to be okay." "By midnight, 15 hours," "Rape Baby finally comes out." "Jesus Christ." "She cleaned up, and every hour or so, she'd come back to check on the bleeding." " You haemorrhaged?" " Some." " Was it bad?" " When it didn't stop," "Phillip made Sarah call an ambulance, and they finally took me to the hospital." "Were there any other repercussions?" "What you did was completely illegal." "Somebody could have called the police." "Yes." "But they didn't." "They were merciful." "That's about it, I guess." "Why did you tell us this story?" "I thought you'd want to know." "People view sex as a form of recreation, like jogging or racquet-ball." "But sex does not exist for sport." "It exists for reproduction." "To make babies." "Right, so?" "So next time, Alan, you feel like raping some 19-year old girl," "you should think about what might happen." " I feel sick." " Already?" "I don't know if I've ever heard a story as gruesome." "Uh, Alan, how do you feel?" "How do I feel?" "Like something's missing." "Yeah, I get the feeling.." "Don't you get the feeling she left something out?" "I sure hope not." "There's something you didn't tell us." " What could that be?" " Well, I don't know." "You said something." "You referred once to your plan." "Very good, Alan." "What was that plan?" "Isn't it obvious?" "To have you to dinner and tell you my story." "There's something else." "You wouldn't go to the hospital, even though your life was in danger." "Right." "You see..." "I didn't leave something out." "I left something in." "I froze the placenta, Alan." "What?" "And I froze the baby." "I put them both in the freezer." "Go on." "Wait." "What..." "What did you do with them?" "Alan?" "It was a boy." "Last year I got a letter from Alan." "He says he can't stop thinking about me." "I'm the one woman, he says, he can't get out of his dreams."