"(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "Oh, oh, oh." "Oh, in your face!" "This is for the game." "Not in my house." "Your house?" "I pay the mortgage." "(GRUNTING)" "All right, I got next." "There is no next, Cor." "This is for the Matthews Championship!" "Well, I'm a Matthews." "No!" "(GROANS) (WHOOPING)" "Eric is the king!" "All right, rematch." "Rematch." "No, no, no, no, no." "New season starts tomorrow." "Don't get fat in the off-season." "I gotta hit the showers." "All right, Dad." "Come on." "Let's go." "No, Cor." "No." "I'm wiped." "I played two hours of racquetball with Eric this morning." "You were just gonna play Eric." "Come on." "Well, that was for the championship." "All right, fine." "This will be for our championship." "Come on." "Cor, I told you." "I got nothing." "Here." "You take it out." "Maybe tomorrow, all right?" "What?" "If Eric's not around?" "Come on." "What?" "Never mind, Dad." "Give me the ball." "What?" "So you can throw it at me again?" "No, forget it." "No, knock it off." "Give me the..." "Just give me the ball." "(GRUNTS)" "What is wrong with you?" "Dad, I'm..." "Alan, what happened?" "Ask your son." "I swear I don't know anything." "Cor?" "I just wanted to play." "(CRASHING)" "(JACK EXCLAIMING)" "Oh, yeah." "Hey, the super told me to tell you that the people above us let their bathtub overflow, and whatever you do, don't..." "Don't poke at the big bubble on my ceiling?" "Yeah." "You got the message?" "Yeah." "Just now." "My whole room's flooded, and there's a half a bathtub hanging over my bed." "So stay in my room." "So when people throw garbage down the chute, this is where it winds up, huh?" "Are you calling me a pig?" "A pig would never live in here." "Oh, yeah?" "I'm sleeping out on the couch, man." "Shawn, I need to sleep on your couch." "What happened?" "I got into a fight with my dad." "Everybody gets into a fight with their dad." "Yeah." "I knocked him down." "That's not quite as common." "I wanted to play basketball with him, like he does with Eric." "I can't believe you hit your dad." "Now, does he have to leave the house in shame?" "Do you get his woman?" "Well, I didn't actually hit him." "I shoved him, and he went down." "He does all these things with Eric." "Why won't he do things with me?" "Well, he's afraid you're gonna hit him again." "Eric has the good relationship with him." "You know that?" "They ski together." "They go camping together." "I even heard them planning on jumping out of a plane together." "All we do is talk." "Cory, you have a great relationship with your dad." "I'm not gonna go through the rest of my life as the guy my father talked to." "You know?" "Great conversations are not memories you look back on." "You have tons of memories with your dad." "Like what?" "Like the time you beat him up." "You're gonna talk about that for years." "George..." "It's 2:00 in the morning." "Is everything okay?" "No, Alan." "Everything's not okay." "I know what happened this afternoon between you and Cory." "Yeah?" "I waited for you." "I waited for Cory." "Nothing." "Nobody came over." "Something like this happens, somebody should come over." "I mean, he knocked you on your keister, man." "You're obviously upset, so, please, can we talk about it so I can get some sleep?" "You want to come in, George?" "Well, yes." "I'm making a little snack." "Help yourself." "Don't mind if I do." "You know, George," "I mean, it's one thing for the boys to ask for your help, but I am a capable adult." "I can handle this on my own." "You are absolutely right, and I am sorry that I intruded on your privacy." "He pushed me down, George." "My own son pushed me down." "Doesn't sound like Cory." "No, it doesn't." "I mean, he knows if anything is bothering him, he can come and talk to me." "I mean, talking is the basis of our relationship." "Maybe that's what's bothering him." "You never stop teaching, do you, George?" "Next time, don't keep me up all night." "Are you insane?" "What?" "Who sleeps with the light on?" "Me, okay?" "When I was a kid, our trailer park was right next to an off-ramp." "All night long, truck headlights shone through the window." "The light comforts me." "You know, when the teamsters went on strike in '82," "I didn't sleep till there was a settlement." "That's a really lovely story." "It'd make a great children's book." "Here's another great children's book, Good Night, Light." "Good night, Shawn." "Good night, pig." "Hey!" "Hey, Jack, you're a guest in my room." "Why don't you start behaving like one?" "The pig has a name." "It's Little Cory." "Fine." "Good night, Little Cory." "Good night, pig." "Good night." "(CRICKETS CHIRPING)" "Crickets?" "It's a tape." "Sounds of the Trailer Park." "It helps me sleep." "It's actually kind of soothing." "(TRUCK HORN BLOWING)" "WOMAN ON TAPE:" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "(DOGS BARKING)" "OFFICER:" "Drop the weapon and come out!" "(GUN FIRES)" "(SIREN WAILING)" "Get up!" "Get up." "Get up." "Hey!" "Hey." "God, I wouldn't have asked you to stay here if I knew you were gonna be so weird." "Oh!" "Oh." "I'm weird?" "You know what puts me to sleep?" "A glass of milk, not the truck that delivers the milk." "But you'll have to excuse me." "I was raised in an actual house." "Oh." "I see." "Well, as long as you put it that way," "I would be happy to turn out your lights." "I wouldn't, man." "Piedmont Prep boxing team!" "Come on." "Let's go." "You know, if I really wanted to hit you, I would have." "Well, when you want to, I'll be right here, asleep in the dark," "like normal people." "Cory." "Cory." "What?" "Cory, get up." "No." "I don't want to get up." "I hit my father." "That's gotta be a bad sin." "If this were the Bible, I'd be a father smiter." "I'd be Cory, son of Alan the bruised." "Cory, you've got a great relationship with your father." "You know what?" "You shouldn't be here." "If they find you here with me, they'll stone you." "Save yourself, Topanga, daughter of Miriam." "Cory, go home and talk this out with him." "No." "That's the whole point, Topanga." "All we do is talk." "You know, that's all our relationship is." "That's not like him and Eric." "They do stuff together." "Well, I wanna do stuff, too." "I never want to talk to him again!" "You're coming with us." "Can we talk about this?" "Okay!" "You've successfully completed the ground course!" "Welcome to your first jump!" "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah!" "I actually, I wasn't paying attention on the ground, and I feel I shouldn't be allowed up here!" "You know what I love?" "It's the drama!" "You know, like, will the chute open or will it not?" "This isn't fair!" "When you hit the ground, you were not 10,000 feet above it!" "Now, Cory, this is something Eric and I have been talking about doing." "There's no reason you shouldn't be a part of it!" "So this isn't because I pushed you down?" "Well, yes, it is because you pushed me down." "You know, if you're that upset about something," "I have to take a hard look at what I'm doing wrong." "I just feel like I want to do things with you, not just talk about stuff." "Well, Cory, I don't do things with Eric because I don't want to do them with you." "It's just the way Eric and I relate." "Yeah." "Dad just doesn't look at you as as much of an action-adventure guy as he looks at me, Cor." "But it takes real guts just to get up here in the first place." "You did good." "You don't wanna have to jump, you don't have to." "No, no, no!" "If this is what you guys do, I'm with you guys." "Okay, Cor, that's great." "If you wanna jump with us, then you jump, or if you wanna play basketball or baseball or whatever, I'll be there, but just promise me one thing." "I don't want to lose that part of our relationship that I consider most special!" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Special part!" "The relationship!" "What part is special?" "I love when we talk!" "You do?" "You do?" "Yeah!" "You know, I enjoy your opinions and your views on things, and I wouldn't trade being able to talk to you for anything!" "You tell me this now?" "Well, yeah!" "I mean, what good is playing basketball or throwing around a football if you don't have good conversation, right, Dad?" "All right!" "We're at the jump point!" "Remember, in the rare but not impossible event that your chute fails to deploy, just pull on your red ripcord, which will engage your backup chute!" "What do you mean, "fail to open"?" "What do you mean, "deploy"?" "Ready to go?" "Okay, okay!" "Let's do it!" "(WHOOPS)" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Cory, wait!" "You know, now that we've got our relationship back on track, why don't we, you know, go home, play basketball or something?" "Why?" "Because you're afraid I can't keep up with you guys, huh?" "Well, watch this!" "He did it!" "Come on, boy." "Go!" "Go get 'em!" "Go get 'em!" "Hey, how come I don't have that special relationship like you have with Cory?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Well, like, do you value my views and opinions on things?" "Good!" "His chute opened!" "That's great." "Listen, all we ever do is buddy stuff." "We have nothing!" "I want more!" "From this moment on, you gotta start listening to my views on philosophy, politics, and what makes the universe go round!" "I don't think so!" "Hey, I'm talking to you!" "You are going down, Matthews." "Not in my house, Matthews!" "Come on." "Oh, no!" "You jumped out of a plane rather than talk to me." "No." "You're..." "You're exaggerating." "The wind sucked me out like a vacuum." "You hit the ground and started running!" "Momentum." "I just wanted to talk to you, you know, like you do with Cory." "Eric, I'm in the middle of a game here." "Talk to me." "No." "Give me the ball." "Look, just talk to me." "Give me the ball." "All right, fine." "Here." "Did you push him again?" "Dad, are you okay?" "No, no!" "Stay away from me." "You awake?" "What kind of moron are you?" "I can't take this." "You live like a pig, and you do weird things during the night." "Like what?" "Like you talk in your sleep, and you snore." "(LAUGHS)" "Nice try, Jack, but that's impossible, okay?" "Either I talk or I snore." "You can't do both." "Oh, yeah?" "SHAWN: (SNORING) I'm going to the market to pick up some eggs." "(SNORES)" "Rub two eggs together, and you'll get a spark." "(SNORES)" "My head's on fire." "Someone please put it out." "Hey." "Hey!" "You taped over my Sounds of the Trailer Park tape!" "Yeah, I did." "Go to the car wash and buy a new one." "I don't own a car, and if I did, Jack," "I would have the pride to wash it myself, you hoity-toity, stuck-up, middle-class snot!" "Just 'cause you want to live like a pig doesn't mean I have to." "Well, yes, it does." "You're my guest, and this is my room." "Oh, really?" "Okay." "Here!" "How about this?" "What's all this?" "(PIG GRUNTING)" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "You're upsetting my pig!" "Now, come on." "Clean this up!" "Make me." "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Hello, Philly General?" "Have any middle-aged men been admitted this afternoon with basketball injuries?" "That many, huh?" "Eric." "How'd you find me?" "You live here." "Not anymore." "I'm volunteering for the Witness Protection Program." "Eric, you didn't witness any crime." "I hit my father, and I saw the whole thing." "By this time tomorrow, I'll no longer be your brother." "I'll be Dr. Abraham Shapiro of Passaic, New Jersey, cardiologist." "Eric, Dad's fine." "What's gotten into you?" "All we ever do is pal around, you know?" "That's what our relationship is." "It's not like the relationship you have with Dad." "I mean, I want to talk to him, too." "Well, you and Dad talk." "Yeah, we talk." "We talk about the Sixers and the Flyers and the Baywatch chicks." "I mean, you know." "I don't know." "I want to talk about important stuff like you guys do." "It's time people learned who the real Eric was." "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "Dr. Shapiro." "You come in here!" "You criticize my room!" "You spook my pig, and you turn out my light!" "So?" "So, maybe I like the way I live!" "Maybe I wasn't born with my life on a silver spoon!" "Yeah." "I like the way I was brought up!" "I like the way I was brought up." "The only thing I didn't like is I didn't get to know my brother." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Now say, "uncle."" "I don't know who my uncle is!" "I would've liked to know him, too." "His name's Dave!" "His name's Dave." "He's in the corrugated box business." "I can't breathe." "We weren't fighting about the messy room, were we?" "Just think, all those years we didn't know each other, we could've been beating the crap outta each other." "I've waited 17 years to do this." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, back at you." "Now say, "uncle."" "Uncle!" "Say "uncle" to your big brother!" "Uncle!" "Uncle Dave in the box business!" "Yes." "Yes." "What's the score?" "Sons, two." "Dad, nothing." "Amy, what am I doing wrong here?" "You really want to know?" "I'm not doing anything wrong." "I am a very good father." "Yes, you are." "You are a very good father to your son and your daughter." "We have two sons." "We do?" "(LAUGHS)" "Here it comes." "Alan, remember how we always wanted a boy and a girl?" "Yeah." "Well, on the way to getting there, we got two boys." "Two complete boys that want a complete relationship with their dad, and now they are calling you on it." "They have a complete relationship with me." "No, they don't." "No, they don't." "No." "Cory gets your mind, and Eric gets the Wide World of Sports." "Well, that's just the way we are together." "No!" "Alan, you are the father." "You have defined the relationships." "Honey, be proud that we have raised them so well that they can tell you they want more." "We have two boys." "Yeah, we do." "Well, that's even better." "Yeah, it is." "Dr. Shapiro." "So why did you guys bring me to a museum?" "Well, I wanted to do something with you that I've done on occasion with Cory." "I came here with my school once, and I really liked it, so I told Dad about it, and we've been here a couple times." "What we like to do, we pick out a piece and then we try and guess what the artist is trying to say." "How about this one?" "It's fascinating." "Topanga and I plan to own one someday." "What do you think the artist is trying to say, Eric?" "It's abstract." "It means what it means." "There's no right or wrong." "A monkey." "Two monkeys, and they're fighting over a coconut, which symbolizes the father monkey's attention." "Uh, this may not have been a good idea." "Well, Dad, it is open to interpretation, you know?" "My interpretation is that the artist is illustrating a very painful situation, where the father monkey has two sons, but only one coconut," "so he splits the coconut in half, but only a half a coconut isn't enough for either son." "Uh-huh." "So, what kind of art you wanna talk about now?" "Neoclassicism?" "Impressionism?" "Photographic art?" "Ansel Adams, American landscape?" "He's probably my favorite, but you didn't know that." "No, I..." "I didn't." "How do you know about all this?" "I learned about it at school." "We just, you know, never talked about it." "Didn't think you'd want to hear it from me." "I just always tried to be the person I thought you wanted me to be." "You know, I'd really love to hear what you have to say about this piece." "I would love to tell you." "What you doing, Dad?" "Taking down this hoop." "No good can come from it." "Hey, Morgan." "We have a pretty good relationship, right?" "I guess so." "Yeah." "We talk, right?" "Yeah." "And we have fun, right?" "Yeah." "I should've had all girls."