"Why do you want to take *?" "Well, I agreed to perform in a musical requiem." "I hope you don't think I'm a slut." "Josephine was sleeping with you immediately?" "I just want to know if I can keep this up." "Listen, I don't want us to stop." "That's okay, baby." "I'm not very available emotionally." "And I have a long track record of being let down." "If anyone knows anything about the Hudson sperm bank that went up in flames in Fairmont, New Jersey, in 1981, please, help me." "( theme music playing )" "♪ All the shadows in the city ♪" "♪ used to love you, what a pity ♪" "♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪" "♪ bored to death, cut, mad and lonely ♪" "♪ bored to death, cut, mad and lonely... ♪" " ( Coughs ) - ♪ Bored to death ♪" "♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪" "( Whistle blows )" "( Music playing ) ♪ AM... ♪" "♪ AM/FM shout!" "♪" "♪ AM/FM ♪" "♪ the only friends he's got left... ♪" "( Music, engine stop )" "( Doorbell jingles )" "Is that your car?" "I don't like German cars." "I'm a survivor." "It's a friend's car." "You're a holocaust survivor?" "No, in general I'm a survivor." " I haven't had it easy." " Right." "Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" "I'm a private detective." "Do you remember the sperm bank next door that went up in flames in 1981?" "That storefront semen dealership?" "How could I forget it?" "My furs were smoky for months." "Do you know what became of the manager after the fire?" "He disappeared." "Had a gambling problem." "And terrible breath." "I always kept my distance." "Hmm." "Next question." "Do you recall a man who may have looked just like me who made a deposit at the bank, and if so, do you know his name?" "What, are you nuts?" "( Elevator bell rings )" " Patti?" " My sweet first love." "Why are you wearing a mink stole?" "It's for my mother." "Ts furrier I met gave me a big discount." " But what are you doing here?" " We need your help." "Daddy, this is Jonathan." "He's the private detective I think you should hire." "Henry Stevenson." " Strong grip." " Thank you, I've been working on it." "I'm really glad you guys are finally meeting." "I took Jonathan's virginity at Princeton and he took mine." "Yes, dear, I remember vividly the letter you wrote about it." "But it's good to put a face to that story." "Nice mink." "Thank you." "It makes me feel very "Doctor Zhivago."" "How does the back feel, kiddo?" "Not good." "I was thinking about going to a chiropractor." "Been saving up my money for it." "Don't bother." "Those guys are quacks." "Let me try a little acupressure there." "( Groans )" "Okay okay, ow ow ow." "Okay, good good." "Ow ow." " Did that help?" " Yeah, a little." "Can we play "looking for the sunken treasure again"?" "Oh, you're naughty." "All right" " The divers were looking for the treasure of the Spanish galleon." "Then one diver cried out," ""I found two large pearls" " and a bar of gold." - ( Door opens )" "Leah:" " Ray, I'm coming in." " Oh God!" "Jeez!" "What the hell is going on?" "I can explain." "I was taking a bath, the window was open" "We committed adultery!" "I used to be a good woman but I weakened." "Forgive me!" "( Kissing ) Hail Mary, full of grace..." "Ray, who is this woman and why did she say anything about adultery?" "Did you know that Picasso lived with two women?" "Have you ever considered the possibility of maybe having a more unconventional relationship?" " ( Horn honks ) - ( Yelps )" "( Laughing )" "To unexpected 10-year reunions." " Patti, you look great." " So do you." "Your mole is bigger and cuter." " That's enough, Patti." "You're getting married." " To Josh?" " Oh no, I haven't seen Josh in years." " Who's Josh?" "Oh, he's the boy I left Jonathan for sophomore year." "The one who shot the pornographic videos of you?" "Yes." "Anyway, Jonathan, we're looking for someone to guard my wedding necklace tonight and I thought of you." "It's an old Philadelphia family heirloom." "It's worth $125,000." "Well, jewel guarding shouldn't be a problem." "I never lose my sunglasses." "And most people do." "Well..." "Patti tells me you were on the Cavett show, so you must be good." "Come to the Sword  Shield club tonight during the rehearsal dinner and we'll set you up there." "Thank you for doing this." "( Whispers ) I haven't forgotten our pact." "Oh, George." "Come back." "Don't be upset." "I still think you're a wonderful lover." " You do?" " Of course." "Oh." "Well, that's a relief." "I don't care if you can't get an erection." "No no." "Don't say that." "No." "I couldn't perform because I have mental issues." "Oh, Georgie, I'm sorry." "Tell me all about it." "Well, to be frank," "I'm worried about you getting attached." "And that worry finds its way down below," " if you know what I mean." " But I am already attached." "When I sleep with someone five times, we're an item." "Yeah, but see, it was only four times since I fell short today." "Well, today counts." "I told you that I'm not available." "( Whispers ) I don't believe you." "Oh!" "Oh, I think I'm rallying." "You are definitely rallying." " ( Doorbell buzzes )" " Oh, shit!" "Hold that thought." "Leah broke up with me." "She caught Belinda giving me a bubble bath.." "Oh, so sorry, my dear boy." "George, who are we hugging?" "This is my friend Ray." "George, is your hip bone protruding?" "Shh." "( Groans )" "I had the restaurant send up roast beef sandwiches." "It's always good in a crisis to numb one's feelings with food." "I can't eat." "I'm inconsolable." "Oh, sorry, little buddy." "Would it console you to hear my problems?" "Schadenfreude is supposed to be very healthy for you." "It makes us feel like we're gonna survive as others fail." "Not in the mood for "shocken-frau."" "I just hurt two beautiful women." "Would it make you feel better to come with me on my case?" "I have to guard the wedding necklace of my sex-crazed college girlfriend." " Can we smoke and drink?" " Um..." "I want to come." "Can we wear outfits?" " Jonathan." " Patti, these are my friends George and Ray." "They're helping me guard your jewels tonight." "Fun." "A threesome." "I always loved your friends in college." "Jonathan had friends in college?" "Ahem." "So your father's inside?" "Should we go in?" "Do you mind if I have a moment alone with Jonathan?" " Oh course not." "We'll be right inside." " Yeah." "She does seem sex-crazed." "Yes yes, very appealing." "You don't remember our pact, do you?" "I" " I don't remember." "We swore that wherever our separate lives took us, before we got married, you and I would meet again one last time and make love." " What?" "We really said that?" " Yes, it was very romantic." "I can't believe you don't remember." " Well..." " You still smoke a lot of pot?" "Every day, but not a lot." "Anyway, I'm getting married tomorrow, so..." "I have OCD." "When I make any kind of pact I have to follow through!" " What about your fiance?" " We're staying at separated hotels." "And it's bad luck to see each other the night before the wedding." "Don't you think it's even worse luck to sleep with an ex-boyfriend?" "Just meet me in the library at midnight." "We'll discuss it more then." "I have to get back in." "Patti!" "It's funny, my daughter is also engaged, but it's a very very dark affair." " Right." "Jonathan:" " Mr. Stevenson, I'm sorry." "I was outside with Patti familiarizing myself with the perimeter." "I am going to go and mingle and drink a lot." "Well, your friends were kind enough to introduce themselves to me, but I thought you'd be alone." "Oh well, we often work cases together." "And why is it you're all dressed as longshoremen?" "No no no, these are guard outfits." "We just picked them up at J. Crew." "My design actually." "If you'd let that out" " Do not do that, please." " All right." " George likes to play dress-up." " Well..." "But only in men's clothing, which is positive." "The jewels are in that case, Mr. Stevenson?" "Yes." " ( Whistles )" " Ooh." "We've set up a room for you upstairs." "We'll be back in the morning for the ceremony." "But may I have a word with you in private?" "Your associates are odd." "Are you sure you're up for this?" "I know they don't make the best first impression, but everything will be fine." "We brought walkie-talkies." "We're total professionals." "Copy that." "I mean she's beautiful, but I don't think I can do it." "I don't want to wreck her marriage before she's married." "She must be having cold feet." "She claims it's OCD." "I don't know why she wants me again." "Just about every time we had sex I had a premature ejaculation." " You ever try a rubber band?" "That's what I do." " No." "Did you attend to her orally to compensate?" " Hello." " No, I didn't know you could do that back then." "I was only a freshman." "War!" "Well, maybe she's doing this because she regrets losing you all these years." "Why did it end with you two?" "She said I was self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable." "It's what every girl has ever told me." "That's what Leah would say." "God, I miss her." "I promised Josephine emotional inadequacy right from the start." "It's a low bar, but it's one that I'm comfortable with." "Why aren't we emotionally available?" "We are, just not to women." "That's true." "Well, better go meet her and try and talk my way out of it." " We're not done playing war." " Come on, Ray." "You know that war never ends." "But I'm ahead." "I have all the kings." "Over here, lover." "Patti..." "We can't do this." "I-I-I know that you're having cold feet, which is totally normal, but sleeping with me is not the answer." "You're right about the cold feet, but sleeping with you will help me decide if I should marry Gabe." "You're saying "if" the night before your wedding?" " Yes, and I want to do this." " But why me?" " It's been so long." " 'Cause of our pact." "And because if I approached anyone else it would seem slutty and crazy." "Not to be rude, but it seems a little slutty and crazy to me." "Jonathan, you took my virginity." "Doesn't that mean anything to you?" "Of course it does." "So if we did this, I'd be helping you?" "Yes." "My future happiness depends on you." "( Growls )" "Why don't you read to me what you have so far?" "Okay." "It's just a first draft." ""Dear Leah,"" "I have something called 'elder love.' that's why I fell for Belinda." ""The benefit is that I will never leave you as you get older."" "You know, I" " Sorry." "I'm not sure this is the right approach." "Okay, let me just" ""So please take me back."" "Belinda's son took her to a convent in the catskills." "I will be a good man from now on." All right?" "You know, there's a lot of mention of Belinda in this note." "Why-- why don't you do a drawing?" "I mean, that's where your strength lies." "A drawing's not gonna work." "I had the most beautiful girl in the world and I just wrecked everything." "Sorry, Ray." "What am I gonna do?" "I'm broke, I'm homeless, I'm unlovable." "That is not true." "You are not unlovable." "And you're-- you're not homeless either." "You can stay with me as long as you need to." "Can I eat in the restaurant for free?" "Of course." "I'm lucky to have you as a friend." "Thank you." "Is this" " Is this what you called "elder love"?" "You're sick." "Don't talk to me like that again." "Do you understand me?" "( Moans )" "Mm-Mmm." "Nope." "Patti, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I've never had this problem before." "But the briefcase is throwing me off." " Don't blame the briefcase." "You can do this." " I know, but" "My friend George was talking about impotence earlier and he passed it along to me mentally." " You know, like auto-suggestion." " Shut up and try again." "But I feel conflicted and I've had a long day." "I haven't had a chance to tell you, but somewhat related," "I come from a sperm donor." " I'm trying to find my father." " What?" "( Over walkie-talkie ) Jonathan, come in." "It'sGeorge." "Sorry to interrupt, but the lights have gone out and Ray is scared." "Ray:" " Don't say that." " Sorry." "It's an old house." "A fuse must have blown." "Got to find the circuit breaker." "Over." "Yeah, he thinks it's a circuit breaker." "George, I'm standing right here." "It's not like you're having a private conversation." "I'll tell you what" " We'll go find the circuit breaker." "Over." "Oh hey, are you having sex with Patti or did you resist?" "Sorry." "Ahem." "Just find the fuse, we'll make our way back to the base." " Over." " Copy that." "I don't think they're having sex." "Ray:" "George, take your finger off the button." "Wow." "Lions, tigers and bears." "Oh my." "Okay, here we go." "All right." "This looks like a fuse box of some kind." "Oh dear." "I'm sorry I let you down." "There's still time." "We can try again." " But I can't-- - ( Both scream )" "( Grunts )" "Come on, let's get out of here." "( Circuit pops )" " Ray." " Sorry." "Whoa whoa whoa." "You go, I'll hold him off." "Go!" " Stay back!" " ( Whips )" "Shit." "I must warn you," "I fenced at Princeton." " ( Groans )" " Oh my God." "I'm so sorry." "That never happened to me in competitive fencing." "Wait!" "Sorry." "Don't-- ( Screams )" "Jonathan, we found the circuit breaker." "Who are you playing with?" "What?" "No!" " Stay back, asshole." " George!" "All right." "There, huh?" "Okay, yeah." "Jonathan, look at me." "Look at me." " Ooh, jeez." " ( Patti gasps )" "George:" " It's stuck." "Jonathan:" " Come on!" "Help, someone." "Wait wait!" "Shit." "A black man can't catch a cab in this town, but a guy with a sword, no problem." "( Car horn honks )" "( Elevator bell rings )" "Your dad is gonna kill me." "I'll tell him you tried your best, that you were very brave." "You still have his briefcase." "That's something." "Yeah, you know what?" "I think we shouldn't talk about the marijuana and the beer." "I think that would not be a good idea." "( Doorbell rings )" " I'm just saying we should look" " Stop." "Jonathan?" "Patti...?" "What's going on?" "We need to talk." "Can we come in?" "Your mother is sleeping, so if you keep it down." "I hope it's nothing serious." "Your briefcase is fine." "Don't worry." "How on Earth could this possibly happen?" "Well, um, he was a very sophisticated burglar." "He turned the lights off and everything." " And he was wearing a mask." " With holes in it." "Jonathan was very heroic." "He tried to stop him." "But I'm really sorry I failed you, Mr. Stevenson." "No no, sorry doesn't cut it." "That necklace has been in our family for 150 years." "Now I'm gonna have to call the police, my insurance company." "Excuse me, but I think you have a red pen leaking ink in your robe." "What?" "Oh, this?" "I cut myself shaving." "Really?" "That happened to me." "I was shaving my side belly hair so I could wear a girdle and I nicked myself." "And that's what happened to you, Mr. Stevenson?" " You were shaving your side belly hairs?" " I, uh..." "Or did somebody shave you with his saber in that exact spot?" " J'accuse!" " Uh..." "Oh my God." "Daddy, why?" "For you, sweetheart." "For the insurance money." "It's the only way I can afford the wedding." "Once you introduced me to Jonathan" "I knew I could pull it off." "Mm-hmm." "Hmm?" " But we have lots of money." " We don't." "Not until your grandmother passes." "Everyone in Philadelphia is waiting for someone to die." "It's what we live for." " What an honorable man." " Honorable?" "He hired me to fail, tried to kill me and he's committing insurance fraud." "Exactly, all for his daughter." "I mean the man's a role model for me." "I wonder what I could steal for Emily." "For Patti's sake I'm willing to turn a blind eye and not report him, but it goes against everything I stand for." " Such as?" " I don't know, something." " ( Sighs )" " Jonathan, wait." "You guys go ahead." "I'll catch up." "Thank you for everything." "You're welcome, but how do you know I'm not gonna turn your dad in?" "I'm thanking you for the pact." "It worked." "But I couldn't, you know..." " Perform." " No, it's all right." "Your impotence made me realize how much I want to marry Gabe." "What?" " ( Moans ) - ( Phone rings )" "Just hold on one second." "I want to talk to you about this." " Hello?" "Woman:" " Jonathan Ames?" " Yes?" " I saw you on "The Dick Cavett Show."" "I have information about your biological father." "I'm gonna have to take this." "Go ahead." "I'm listening." "( Faint buzzing )" " George?" " Mm-hmm." "I have an itch just below my left shoulder blade." "Can you scratch it for me?" "It's driving me nuts." "I think it's a new back hair trying to pop out." "That's why it's so itchy." "( Faint buzzing )" "Is that better, little buddy?" "I know you've had a pretty rough day." "A little harder and to the left." "Aw yeah." "That's it right there." "Okay, now to the right." "To the right." "Go to the right." "( Snapping ) To the right, George!" "♪ when I stumble into bed another Saturday night ♪" "♪ all the voices in my head and all the people I meet ♪" "♪ they're all trying so hard to make a man out of me ♪" "♪ but there's always gonna be ♪" "♪ this little boy inside of me ♪" "♪ and there's always gonna be ♪" "♪ this little girl inside of me ♪" "♪ 'cause there's always gonna be ♪" "♪ this little boy inside of me ♪" "♪ and there's always gonna be ♪" "♪ this little girl inside of me. ♪"