" Hey, Radar, why don't you eat with us?" " OK." "That's a nice-looking hors d'oeuvre." "Would you like a doggy bag in advance?" "Don't give him a doggy bag." "He eats those too, with cream and sugar." "Come on." "You gotta stay in training for the Olympic Glutton Team." " I'll see you guys later." " What about lunch?" "I'm not eating." " That's a first." " Radar not eating." " Not eating?" " We saw it with our own eyes." " Aw, come on." " Henry, we were there." "Yesterday I found him on top of that filing cabinet in the foetal position." "The foetal position?" "Dr Freud, call your office." "General Clayton called for the monthly report and Radar told him we don't deliver." " Well, we don't." " Not after six." " That's not the point." " Colonel..." " I'm in conference." " What I have to say is important." "I love shy, retiring women." "I requisitioned surgical silk for the OR, and I was sent two boxes of ordinary cotton thread." " What are we supposed to do with that?" " How about learning petit point?" "Next time you see me I want a salute, Captain." "Shall we make it in the women's shower, Major?" "Do something about the requisition foul-ups." "Not your usual something, but something that means something." "I wonder how she'd like plaster of Paris in her shaving cream?" "Cotton thread." "You know how long it's been since Radar screwed up a requisition?" " Henry, he's cracking up." " Or sick." "Or both." "Hey, suppose we give him a complete physical?" " Take him through a real workup." " Henry, that's a good idea." "Well, I sometimes get 'em." "OK, Muscles, step behind the screen." " You're cute." " Just take the picture." "Dim the lights, Cutler." " Hawkeye, do you mind?" "!" " Keep your voice down." " You're disturbing the patient!" " She's not botherin' me." "Really, Hawkeye!" "You act like such a child at times!" " Is it high?" " High?" "According to this your blood should have whitecaps!" " Snap it up, will ya, Radar?" " Look, don't rush me." "It makes me nervous." " Whistling doesn't help!" " Get on with it!" "Get it right this time and I'll give you a lollipop." " Listen, you're in good shape." " Told you I was all right." "Any healthier and you could be in the army." " Yeah, it's not organic." " Your body is 1-A." "But your mind is 4-F." "I've seen these symptoms before." "It's called goldbricking." "My prescription: extra duty." "Would you mind not being so red, white, and blue first thing in the morning?" "This examination only answers half the questions." " Come on, what's bugging you?" " It's nothing." "Is that why you walk around staring at your navel?" " It's nothing, I said." " Now listen to me, soldier." "We're in this with a common goal:" "to serve our country and repel the godless horde that would engulf our way of life..." "Frank..." "He's OK, but you're making me sick." ""Godless horde"?" "Oh... nerts to you." ""Nerts"?" "!" "Come on, Radar." "Let us help you." "Tell us, what's turnin' you into a fruitcake?" "Come on, kid." "What is it?" "Put it on and see." "Hi, Radar." "This is Linda Sue, comin' to you from the glass booth of Holtzman's Department Store." "Everything is real good here, and, being as how you and I are engaged," "I think you should be the first to know I'm going to marry Elroy Fimple." "Don't take it too hard, cos I know we're all gonna be real good friends if you come back alive." " Just a minute now." " Hiya, ol' buddy!" "I'm awful sorry this happened, but I guess you have to charge it up to ol' Mother Nature." "Well, you know how it is." "And I sure hope you understand." "Good luck, and keep knockin' off them commies." "Bye now!" "Goodbye, Radar!" "I'll always have a soft place in my..." "Elroy!" "It's a glass booth!" "Elroy!" "Quit kissing that part here!" "Elroy!" "A Dear John recording." "Listen, Radar, I know it's rough..." "This shouldn't be so hard." "What cures a man of a broken heart?" "Heavy alimony?" " A date with Radar?" " Let him take you to the movies." " He's nice enough, but..." " How 'bout tonight?" " I can't, I'm busy." "I've got a date." " Oh, I'm sure." "With whom?" " You." " Who else can we think of?" "Just a movie, O'Brien." "Or a walk over to the rec tent for a beer." " Forget it." " Try it once." "I promise you he'll shave, and he won't wear his wool cap." "I'll even get him to clean his glasses." "I'm very fond of him, but I'm not going out with Corporal Radar O'Reilly, and that's that." "Would you hand me my towel, please?" "Dry yourself with this." "Trapper!" "And I hope your shower cap springs a leak!" "He's bright, he's a good talker." "He's got a warm personality when you know him." " Radar?" "Oh, come on!" " Now, look." "Just try to imagine this:" "You go for a walk in the moonlight down by the river." "Take along a blanket and a bottle of wine..." "You sit in a secluded spot..." "There's just the sound of the rippling water." "And then after that it's just soft, moist," " warm, passionate kisses." " Oh, yeah, Hawkeye." "Yeah..." " Oh, hey, what about Radar?" " Radar who?" "What?" "Thanks for the try." "I really appreciate it." "Everybody in camp was busy." "Don't let it make you feel bad." "No woman's worth that kind of anguish." "Now, look." "Let's face it:" "I struck out in the World Series of love." "Radar, just suffer." "Don't try to write." "Lieutenant, you'll stay here." "Lieutenant, come with me." " Corporal, get the lieutenant's bags." " Yes, sir." "Thanks." "That's sweet of you." "Corporal?" "Your hand..." "Oh, that's all right." "I'm not using it now." "Did you see her, Hawkeye?" "She's beautiful." "I know." "I heard the violins." "This is a very nice bottle of wine." "There's a vineyard on the label to show it was made outta grapes." "What a nice gesture, Captain." "Thank you very much." "It's for those days when the surgeons get restless." "And call me Hawkeye." "You're in charge of making the replacements feel at home?" "I just drive the Welcome Wagon." "I think you'll find we're a mighty friendly bunch of folks here in Cowardly Valley." "The Plays of George Bernard Shaw." "Plato's Republic." "Oh, autographed by the author." "The Complete Works of D'Annunzio." "Interesting." " Do you like Italian poets?" " No, but I'm crazy about lasagne." "Would you like to go to the rec tent and meet some of our brave little gang?" "I'll meet your brave little gang in time, I'm sure." "There's one guy I know you'd enjoy meeting." "A brilliant conversationalist." "Provocative sense of humour." "You'll love him." " I'm sure I would, but, uh..." " Vivaldi?" "Bach at Carnegie Hall." "Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich..." "You got some great toe-tappers here." " At least you got the names right." " Oh, thank you." "I'm a "Beer Barrel Polka" man myself." "Well, he said, how 'bout later?" "Pick you up around eight?" "You know, Hawkeye, you're a very famous local character." "Who squealed?" "And I am flattered." "But I'm also tired, and a little leery." "Thanks for the bottle." "I had a nice time at your unpacking." "Radar, you got a problem." "Come here." "This Lieutenant Anderson has a brain." "People with brains don't get transferred here." "Oh, yeah?" "This kid brushes her teeth with an encyclopedia." "I borrowed these for training purposes." "We got a lotta work to do." "War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy." "War and peace?" "Tolstoy was very flexible." "He went either way." "You can't read all of these." "Familiarise yourself with names and dates." " Just fake it." " Yeah." "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire." "That sounds serious." "Well, it was no picnic." ""The crumbling Roman Empire was beset with strife."" "You just spoiled the movie for me." " What if she corners me on something?" " OK, all right." "You just..." "You look thoughtful and you say:" ""That's highly significant."" " No..." " No, come on." "Try it, try it." "That's highly significant." "He said look thoughtful, not sick." "All right, OK, try this:" ""I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking."" " I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking." " Not bad." " Hey." " Yeah, I like that." "You might get into a discussion about music." " Music?" " She's got highbrow taste." "Mozart?" "Bach?" "All the biggies?" "Bach is easy." "If she brings him up, you just smile and you say:" ""Ahh, Bach."" " Ahh, Bach." " Smile a little bit." " Ahh, Bach!" " That's nice." "Very good." "That's not bad." "If she throws guys at you like Shostakovich or Tchai..." " Who?" " Shostakovich or Tchaikovsky, just try to look bored." " That's your bored look?" " Yeah." "Go back to lookin' sick." "What do I do if she asks me what I like in music?" "Well, say, uh..." ""Well, I'm partial to the fugue."" "Well, I'm partial to the fugue." "Can I say that to a girl I hardly know?" "I worked at the headquarters hospital in Seoul." "Very GI compared to this." "We run a very informal shop here." "We don't work too hard." "We try not to let the war spill over into the cocktail hour." " Say something." " Speaking of Tolstoy..." "Tolstoy?" "What about him?" "Radar was saying just the other day how flexible he is." "Right?" "Yeah." "Flexible." "Radar meant that Tolstoy could either work at his writing or not work at his writing." "Actually, he was one of the hardest-working neo-realist writers of the 19th century." "I'll go along with that." " I'll tell you how I feel about Tolstoy..." " That's highly significant." "I haven't said anything yet." "That's OK." "I have confidence in you, Lieutenant." " Would you like some ketchup?" " It wouldn't hurt." "Thanks." "Real service." "I'm pretty good with mustard, too." "We use a lot of ketchup around here." "It improves the food." "Well, when in Rome..." "The, uh, fall of the Roman Empire was due to internal strife." "Yeah, that's interesting." "It's from The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire." "Radar reads an awful lot." " Big reader." " In fact, he's voracious." "Really?" "Is that true?" "Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't." "Did you ever see anything like that?" "Making a fuss over an enlisted man?" "Fawning all over him?" "It's almost obscene, that's what it is." "Probably only got one thing on her mind." "Don't say that word, Frank." "Not at lunch." "I told Radar about the great records you have." "You can borrow 'em any time, Radar." " Oh, thanks." " I've got Shostakovich, and I've got the London Symphony playing Tchaikovsky." "And, of course, I never travel anywhere without good old Johann Sebastian." "Ahh..." "Bach!" "What does that mean?" ""Ahh, Bach"?" "Uh, just that." "Ahh, Bach." " Once you've said that, you've said it all." " Ahh, Bach." "All right, hold it." "Somehow, there's a mathematical precision about Bach." "A complexity that adds up to actual simplicity." "It goes beyond emotion." "I suppose non-lovers of Bach, if there are any, would never really be able to understand it." "It's against regulations for enlisted personnel to consort with officers." "Major, has it occurred to you that these two people may be in love?" " That's not important." " Not important?" "!" "Without love, what are we worth?" "89 cents." "89 cents' worth of chemicals walking around lonely." "That means my marriage is only worth $1.78?" "Colonel." "Lieutenant Anderson is one of my nurses." "I'm responsible for her conduct." "Corporal O'Reilly is your responsibility." " I want this affair with him terminated!" " Affair?" "!" "You're worried about Radar?" "A near-sighted, prepubescent corporal with six toes on each foot?" "How many more physicals are you and Frank gonna exchange before you declare each other fit?" "Are you going to enforce the regulations or try to lose it in the shuffle?" "I warn you: break up this romance, or you'll force me to make a formal complaint over your head to General Clayton." "One of these days I'm gonna booby-trap her garter belt." "What if I broke up her romance with Frank Burns?" " I wonder how she'd feel about that?" " Now, Pierce, I did not hear that." "And I will deny any complicity with, or knowledge of, that sort of cheap, low, sneaky, underhanded manoeuvre." " Think you can do it?" " You got it." "All right, we'll have our film now." "I know what I need." "A couple of hot dogs, like at a drive-in." " For what?" " To watch the movies with." "OK, folks, you want to..." "Would you kind of settle..." "All right, people..." " Quiet!" " Thank you, Radar." "Our film today deals with the newest methods of treating cardiogenic shock." "And along with that, we'll have some slides on the newest drugs available to us for the treatment of this disorder." "Lights, Radar?" "Thank you." " Hey, Frank." " Yeah?" " Major, you're needed now in the post-op." " Oh, coming." " This is right up your alley." " Yes, this is my specialty." " But practice makes perfect." " I've always said that." "All right, this is slide A... followed, of course, by slide C..." "B... by B." "Sir, either stop that, or I'll call the usher." "Ohh!" "It's been days and days and days and days, Frank." " Shall we try for tonight?" " My place or yours?" "Yours." "Last night they sewed me into my blanket." "Dr Trueheart must have something going tonight, right, lover?" " Anybody we know?" " Or missed?" "If a man shaves, does it have to mean he's..." "Shaving was invented to kill time before a date." "It wouldn't occur to you that a man might want to get rid of his beard and feel clean." " You'd be clean with or without a beard." " You're the cleanest of the clean." "You're so clean, you're dirty." "An officer should respect himself and the men he commands..." "Oh, no." "Poor Frank." "Just can't hold his chloroform." "Come in, darling." "What do you want?" "Major Burns' compliments, ma'am." "He can't keep his date with you tonight." "Date?" "!" "What date?" "I have no date with Major Burns." "We're just acquaintances." "We run into each other once in a while." "Well, he can't run into you tonight." "Where were you?" "What happened last night?" "You wouldn't believe it." " Those two maniacs?" " They gave me a cologne overdose." " What?" " I told you you wouldn't believe it." "Now?" "You'd think they could run that ward forjust one night without me." "I guess not." "You're a very important man, ma'am." "All right, Sergeant." "What is it?" "What's what, Major?" " I was told I was needed, and here I am." " What for?" " That's what I'm asking you." " We've got no problems here, Major." " Except yours." " Then why did..." "Margaret, dear... it's me." "Frank!" " What are you doing?" " What are we doing?" "Just a little pillow talk." "But don't tell the housemother." "Ohh, you guys!" "I've had it!" "I've had it with..." "What are you doing in my bed?" "!" " The first one was too hard." " The second one was too soft." "All right, all right!" "Now, what's it gonna take for you two to leave me alone?" "Ease up on Radar and Louise and cut out all that GI garbage." " Let 'em enjoy." " No!" "It's blackmail." " OK." " Nighty-night." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "We have a "stop it"." "Do I hear an "uncle"?" " Uncle!" " No calls to General Clayton?" " No more calls to General Clayton." " And stay off Henry's back?" " I'll get off Henry's back." " Fine." "And one more thing." " What?" "!" " Who is this man in bed with me?" "You don't know me." "I followed you home from the movie." "Out!" "Of course, it was customary at that time for musicians to be subsidised by wealthy patrons." "Here they are" " America's kid sweethearts." " And they owe it all to us." " The Acme Cupid company." "Considering the insurmountable odds against a young, struggling composer, his achievement, let alone his prodigious output, becomes even more astounding." " Hi, there." " Hello." "Hiya, Radar." " Radar?" " Aah!" "Bach!" "Tolstoy?"