"* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear this same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Saucy flappers in cloche hats" "* Natty chappies in white spats" "* The upper set is going bats *" "You rang, m'lord?" "I'll do the top shelves tomorrow." "If you worked a bit faster, you'd finish them today." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "Oh, here's Mr Pearson from the grocers." " I expect he's come for his money." " I'll get the cash box." "I hope it's still got some money left in it, Mr Stokes." "Afternoon, all." "Sorry I'm a bit late." "Number eight's been going on about their cheeses." " (Mr Stokes) Sit down, Mr Pearson." " Thank you." " Would you like a glass of sherry?" " Thank you, Mr Stokes." " We supply sherry and wines, you know." " Not to his lordship, you don't." "We have a satisfactory understanding with Berry Brothers in St James's." "That sherry looks nice." "Amontillado, is it?" "I can't remember the last time I had a nice glass of sherry." "There's some brown ale left on the side there, Mabel." "Thank you." "I'll enjoy that." "Don't forget to take that cold porridge left over from breakfast." "Oh, thank you." "There's a lot of nourishment in porridge." "Especially when it's been standing about a bit." "What do you want me to do now, sir?" "Lady Lavender's just had a bath." "Go up and clean it." "I hope she hasn't washed her parrot." "There's four bills, Mr Stokes." "That's for the month." "They come to 23 pounds, seven and fourpence." " Yes, we make it the same." " Thank you." "Five, ten, 15, 20, 21 , 22, 23," " and five and fourpence." " Thank you." "Call it 25 bob." " I don't think my boss will stand for that." " There are other grocers." "If you don't watch out we shall take our custom to Jackson's." "Don't be hasty." "I'll talk to him." "They can do that with fish and meat." "It fluctuates." " I expect we can sort it out." " I'm sure you can." "Cheerio, then." "And thanks for the sherry." "Oh, if your boss would like to give me a couple of bottles of his best Fino," "I'll try and get his lordship to sample it." " I'll talk to him." " Could you make it three bottles?" "No, he couldn't." "And Mr Stokes told you to go upstairs and clean the bath, Mabel." " Just going." " And don't let anybody see you." "I'll put a rug over meself and stay close to the wall." "I'll give you your twelve and six when I get a ten-shilling note." "I've got a better idea." "I'll have it all." "That leaves 73 pounds, seven and sixpence you owe me, Alfred Stokes." " If that's what you want, Blanche." " Yes, it is." "And I'll tell you what else I want." "I want every penny back that you owe me." "Otherwise I shall go up and see his lordship and he'll deduct it from your wages." "That is if he doesn't give you the sack." "Is this you I hear speaking, Blanche?" "I can't believe my ears." "Oh, hold your tongue, Alfred Stokes." "I don't want any more stories about your wife not giving you a divorce." "I want to hear it from her own lips." "You bring her here to me and I'll have it out with her." " The circus can't do without her." " Rubbish." "She's not just on the trapeze, you know." "She's one of the Chinese jugglers." "And she takes the money at the box office." "It's a very small circus." "I suppose she cleans up after the elephants as well." "Only on a Thursday, Blanche." "Well, this Thursday she can come here and see me." "And you can start by paying me back that 73 pounds you owe me." "73 pounds, seven and six." "Don't do yourself down, Blanche." "Oh." "Hello, Lavender." "Who are you?" " Teddy." " Teddy who?" " George's brother." " Oh, yes, of course." "You're the one who sits next to me at breakfast, who puts all the servant girls in the family way." "I'd throw porridge at them." "Much less trouble." "(Squawks)" "Behave yourself." "I want you to get some sun." "You've been looking very pale and long in the beak." "I'll get you one of my little liver pills." "Have you had one of my little liver pills?" "You certainly look as though you need something, Mr Whatever-Your-Name-Is." " Does the butler know you're here?" " I'm Teddy!" " Teddy who?" " Teddy Meldrum." "Well, that's a coincidence." "My son-in-law's name is Meldrum." "Pieces of eight, pieces of eight." "Why couldn't you say something useful." ""Silly old bat." "Silly old bat."" " Come in." " No, no." "No, no." "Ooh, shut up." "Come in." "Pay attention." "Silly old bat." "Silly old bat." " What are you doing, Teddy?" " Having a chat with the parrot." " When you've finished, I want to talk." " Oh, really?" "I can't confide in anybody but you, Teddy." "You are in a bad way." " You know Agatha and I are friendly." " If you ask me, jolly friendly." " Steady on, Teddy." " One might say bosom pals." "That is vulgar." "You know how dear she is to me." "The fact is, I'm worried." "She won't look me in the eye lately." " Which one?" " Either." "Her husband thinks she's seeing another man." "She is seeing another man." "You." "Another other man." "You remember you thought you saw Agatha in the cinema" " with a young chap with a moustache?" " You think he's the other other man?" " Did Ralph think he had a moustache?" " He didn't say." "If Ralph thinks the other man didn't have a moustache, that means that there are two other other men." "I've done the bath, Mrs Lipton." "She didn't wash the parrot but she washed his perch." " All round the edge, it was." " Oh, all right, Mabel." "Get some more lumps of sugar for the basin, Henry." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." " And don't eat any." " I wouldn't dream of it, Mrs Lipton." "Don't you cheek me." "You haven't cleaned these spoons properly." "There's fingermarks all over them." "Very strong, that china, isn't it?" "I shan't tell you again." "What's wrong with that kettle?" "Why hasn't it boiled?" "It's the gas." "It's not like it was in your day." "Them Victorians certainly knew how to make gas, didn't they?" "Henry, go into that scullery and don't come out till I tell you." " Do you want me to stand in the corner?" " Get out!" "I'll put this with the cold porridge." "Can I do anything, Mrs Lipton?" "Yes." "You can go into the scullery and you can hit Henry." "What's he done?" "I don't want any of your cheek either." " I haven't said anything!" " No but you were going to." " Where have you been all this time?" " I was changing." "Is Mr Stokes serving the tea today?" "Don't you mention that man's name to me." "That apron's a disgrace!" "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "Mrs Lipton says I've got to hit you, Henry." "Go on, then." "Don't be daft." "What's the matter with her?" "She's in a terrible mood." "I think your dad's upset her." "I heard her having words with him." " What about?" " Something to do with money." "And cleaning up after an elephant." "It don't sound right to me, Henry." "I know my dad owes her money but I don't know where the elephant comes in." "Afternoon." " Am I in time for tea?" " Yes." "Mrs Lipton's just getting it ready." "Ah." "Do you know, when I'm out on my beat," "I look forward to this." "Best time of the day." "Yes." "A nice warm kitchen, the cup, the cheers, a welcome smile and a slice of cherry cake." " Afternoon, Mrs Lipton." " Get out!" " What's the matter with her, then?" " We're collecting the scones for Mabel." "If that's her attitude, I'll go and have me tea at number six." "Her meringues are a poem." "And Mrs Lipton's cherry cake's not what it used to be." "It's definitely gone off." "Oh, at last." "About time too." "What time do you call this?" "Tea should have been served five minutes ago." "I beg your pardon, Mrs Lipton." "Your clock is seven minutes fast." "Furthermore, although the normal time for serving tea is four o'clock, it can vary according to his lordship's whims, to which I am privy and you are not." "Well, I am not beholden to his lordship's whims, as you call them." "I've got a kitchen to run." "And Mr Stokes and I have the entire house to run, so kindly remember your place." " Where's Ivy?" " In the scullery hitting Henry." "Ivy!" " Yes, Mrs Lipton." " Ivy, take the tea up." "If you don't mind, I will decide how the tea is conveyed upstairs." "If you will place the tea things in the dumbwaiter," "Ivy and I will go up and wait in the dining room to receive them." "We will assemble them on the tray and convey them into the drawing room to be served to the family." "Come along, Ivy." "So now you know." "You were wonderful, Mr Twelvetrees." "I like it when you're strict and commanding." "Thank you, Ivy." "I always know when you're in that sort of mood." "You draw yourself up to your full height, throw your head back and I can see right up your nostrils." "Put the cloth on the tray and stop prattling." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "What did you say to Mrs Lipton to put her in such a bad mood?" "It wasn't me." "It was something my dad..." "I mean, Mr Stokes said." "He owes her all that money, and Henry heard her say if he doesn't pay her back, she's going to tell his lordship." "Good." "I hope she does." "Oh, don't be hard on him, Mr Twelvetrees." "It's the only thing that'll bring him to his senses, Ivy." "Have you decided on the date of the wedding?" "No, I keep telling you." "Stop pushing me, George." " Why haven't they brought the tea up?" " It's coming." "Your father's been nagging me about Madge Cartwright." "You've been engaged for ages." "You haven't even given her a ring yet." "You can't expect a girl like Madge to hang around forever." "Why not?" "She's been hanging around since 1912." "If you don't get a ring on that girl's finger soon," "I shall have you on that boat to Malaya." "And it's time you two girls got engaged to someone." "Or something." "Or other." "Don't be so stuffy, Daddy." "What difference do some words mumbled by an old vicar make?" "Poppy's quite right, Daddy." "People rush into marriage." "They should try each other out first." "Try each other out?" "Hear, hear." " Have you tried Madge Cartwright out?" " Perish the thought." "Really!" "She's rather keen to try you out." "She got a bit tiddly in the Kit-Cat Club and said, "I wonder what Teddy is like in bed." "I can't wait to find out."" "Get one or two of your parlour maids to give you a reference." "Please, this is disgraceful!" "Ah, the tea." " Good afternoon." " Is Lord Meldrum in?" "I must see him." "He's with his family partaking afternoon tea." "Shall I announce you?" "No, I don't want to talk to them." "I must see him in private." "I will convey you to the study and appraise his lordship of your presence." "This way, please." "Would you care for a slice of Mrs Lipton's cherry cake, Mr Teddy?" "Yes, have some, Teddy." "It's a great comfort." "No matter what goes on in the world," "Mrs Lipton's cherry cake is always the same." "Some people say it's gone off but I don't agree." "That will do, Ivy." "Sir Ralph Shawcross is here to see you, sir." "What have you been up to, George?" "Mind you own business." "Thank you, Stokes." " What's he want?" " He did not confide in me, sir." " What sort of mood is he in?" " Rather subdued, sir." "He can be as quiet as a lamb and suddenly fly off the handle." "Would you like me to remain with you, sir?" "No." "If he turns ferocious, I'll ring the bell." "Will Sir Ralph be requiring tea?" "If he does, I'm not asking Mrs Lipton." "Not in the mood she's in." "You've only got yourself to blame." "If you don't repay the money you owe her, his lordship might look for a new butler." "And he won't have to look far." "Mind you, there is one snag." "I shall have to take that uniform in a foot or two." "Well, you've got one qualification for the job." "You're a pompous prig." "And you've got a dirty dicky." "Mr Twelvetrees, have you and Dad been quarrelling?" "No more than usual." "Oh!" "You've got a dirty dicky!" "Ah, Ralph." "How nice to see you." " Would you like a cigar?" " No, I don't think so." "They're very good, you know." "They come from my plantation in Burma." "The native girls roll them on their thighs, you know." "Like this." "They, of course, don't wear trousers." "They roll them on their naked thighs." "You're not going to give me demonstration, are you?" "Of course not." "Would you care for some tea?" " No, thank you." " Drink?" "No, no." "Nothing." "I had to come and see you, Meldrum." "I've got this terrible problem." "I am sorry." "I had no idea." "It's Agatha." "She's up to her tricks again." "I know it can't be you, with your problem in the war when you were shot in the...artillery." " Anyway..." "I won't go into that again." " No, don't." "I heard her talking to a fellow on the phone." "I listened on the extension." "I know it's a caddish thing to do but I'm desperate, Meldrum." "I do love her so much." "How do you know she's carrying on with him?" "She keeps calling him darling." "That doesn't mean a thing." "She calls everybody darling." "He calls her darling back." "In a sort of..." "In a sort of low tone." "It was, "Oh, darling." "Darling." "Darling."" " Was it a young man's voice?" " Sounded like it." " Was he tall with a moustache?" " Er..." "It was on the telephone, you fool." "And what's a moustache got to do with it?" "Most of those young cads have them." "Look at me, Meldrum." "What do you see?" "Come on." " You've had your hair cut." " Don't be ridiculous." "You see a man who used to hold his head up high." "A distinguished member of society." "And what am I now?" "A pathetic victim of love and jealousy." "Oh, it's my own fault." "I should never have married a woman 20 years younger than myself." "She's 1 7 years younger than me." " What's that got to do with it?" " Nothing!" "I heard them arrange to meet at 3:30 tomorrow afternoon in the park by the statue of the Duke of York." "What on earth did they have to put a statue of him up for?" "All he did was march people up and down hills." "That's got nothing to do with it!" "I want you to come with me and confront him." "If he can't give a good account of himself, we'll give him a thrashing." " We?" " Yes, we." "I'm not awfully good at thrashing people." "Don't let me down." "I'm relying on you, Meldrum." " Hello?" " Hello, Myrtle?" " Who's that?" " It's me." "Alf Stokes." "You listen to me, Alf." "I'm not coming back in the act and that's that." "No, I'm not on the boards any more, Myrtle." "I'm in service." "What do you want?" "I'm on in a minute." "I'm in trouble." "I'm desperate." "You're always in trouble." "I want you to meet me in the Sunshine Pantry opposite the stage door tomorrow at four o'clock." "Please, Myrtle." "For old times' sake." "I need your help." "Don't let me down." "All right." "I'll be there." "If you're dining at your club, may I suggest no carnation?" " We don't want to look like Jack Payne." " Jack Payne?" " The dance band leader." " Oh, him." "There's not much danger of that." "Oh." "You're nearly dressed, my lord." "Does my watch require adjustment?" "No, I asked James to do it because I wanted to have a word with him in private." " Is there anything further you require?" " I don't think so." "I'm sure Mr Stokes has many duties to attend to if you'll dismiss him." "Certainly." "Off you go, Stokes." "Anyway, James, the fact is I don't want to let Sir Ralph down but I don't want to go alone." "Ralph thinks it's a young chap, that's why I've asked you to come." " There may be trouble." " Is he tall with a moustache, sir?" " Why do you ask?" " Well, that sort of person very often is." "Anyhow, I need my field glasses." "Don't you think it would look suspicious, three of us lurking in the bushes?" "Perhaps you're right." "Take Ivy, will you, and pretend you're a canoodling couple." "Sir, I'd rather not canoodle with the servants." "Really?" "I wish you'd have a word with my brother." "Don't forget, 3:30 in the park tomorrow afternoon by the Duke of York's statue." " Boo!" " Ah!" "You fool." "When will you grow up?" ""I'm sure Mr Stokes has many duties to attend to."" "What are you up to, James Twelvetrees?" "Mind your own business." "Have you been telling tales about me and Mrs Lipton?" "I don't have to." "Your days are numbered." "Where will you find the 73 pounds, seven and six you owe her?" "I've got the seven and six." " Hurry with those cocktails." " This is a very scientific business." " What are you making?" " Sidecars." "Well, make them strong." " What are we going to do tonight, gang?" " How about playing strip poker?" "No, you always lose and you look dreadful with no clothes on." "How do you know?" "Have you been trying him out?" "I got him on approval and then sent him back." "That's not fair, Poppy." "The sofa collapsed." "Let's go to the Boot And Britches Club." " We all know what happens there." " Not before 12:00." " They wouldn't let me in." " Let's go to the Embankment." "Have some bacon and eggs and then knock some policemen's helmets off." "Jerry won't want to finish up in Savile Row again." "That's all right." "I've got an account there." "How boring." "Can't we do something useful for a change?" "Oh, no." "She's got one of her goody moods coming." "I know." "Let's go to the Savoy and switch all the shoes around outside the doors." "Not that old thing." "We'll have to go to the Kit-Cat Club." "Won't Uncle Teddy be there with Madge?" " Either that or her maid, Rose." " Is that still on?" "(Laughs)" "It was never off." "He's potty about her." "All right." "It's Zero's, then." "Come on, gang." "Drink up." "There's the statue." "Give me the field glasses." "Why didn't you bring your own?" "Because I'm not used to spying on people." " Neither am I." " You brought them." "Oh, all right." " I don't want them now." " Oh, for heaven's sake." "Anyhow, I don't care about spying." "I'm more interested in the thrashing bit." "Who's that?" " I don't think it's Agatha." " Let's have a look." "Do you mind taking your nose out of my ear?" " It's the strap." " Why didn't you get a longer one?" "The people I mix with usually have their own field glasses." "You're such a snob, Meldrum." "This will be fine." "We'll get a good view from here." "Not too close, Ivy." "I thought we were supposed to be a young couple walking out." "Those were his lordship's instructions." "Oh, I see." "We've only been walking out for a day or two." " Is that the statue?" " Yes, that's right, Ivy." "The Duke of York." "Was he the one who had 10,000 men?" "So I'm led to believe, Ivy." "And marched them up the hill and down again?" " Yes, that's right, Ivy." " Why did they give him a statue?" "He probably did something else." "When they got to the bottom of the hill?" " That's right." " Oh." "I expect it was a very steep hill and they had to use ropes." "You're here to observe and not to prattle." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." " Have you got any bread?" " What on earth for?" " To feed the pigeons." " Don't encourage them." "They look ever so hungry." "Ooh." "I've got a couple of humbugs here." "Oh, no, they'll be too hard for the pigeons." " Would you like one?" " No, thank you." "Well, I'll save them for later." "We might be glad of them." "(Coos)" "Did you see them, Mr Twelvetrees?" "I made them all look up." "(Squawks)" "See that duck?" "He looked round." "We are having fun, aren't we?" "I can do a nightingale as well." "(Whistles)" "Be quiet!" "Don't ever do that again." " Sorry." " Now, you listen to me, Ivy." "We are not here to enjoy ourselves." "We are here on his lordship's instructions in case of a fracas." "A what?" "A disturbance." "The purpose of your presence here is to make me look normal and to observe." "So sit quietly, put your hands on your lap and observe." "Not me, girl, the statue!" "Close your mouth." "Rose, you've no idea how wonderful it is to grab these fleeting moments of bliss with you." "Oh!" "I'm sorry Fifi can't walk very far." "She's only got little legs." "Let's find a seat." "Ivy, I do believe that's Mr Teddy." "Are you sure?" "Is that Miss Cartwright with him?" "No, it's her maid, Rose." "They mustn't see us." "Then we better go in the bushes." "Quick!" " Any sign of her yet?" " No." "Just a minute." "There's your brother." "That's not Madge Cartwright with him, is it?" " No, it's not Madge." " She looks like a servant girl." " Who is she?" " She's a nurse." "What does your brother need a nurse for?" "He falls over and bangs into things." "Shrapnel hit him on the head." "Oh, poor chap." "Your family really had a bad time." "Him one end, you the other." "You look damned attractive sitting there feeding the pigeons with your chapped hands and your shiny scrubbed face." "Thank you, Mr Teddy." "Oh, I'm really in the soup, Rose." "If I don't marry your mistress, my brother will pack me off to one of our rubber plantations in Malaya." "Where is Malaya?" "Well, you go through the Suez Canal, just past India and veer a bit to the left." "It sounds ever so complicated." "One doesn't have to worry." "The people who run the ship know where it is." "Rose." "Come with me." "Oh!" "My vagabond lover!" "I'd follow you to the end of the earth." " It is the end of the earth." " I don't care." "Neither do I. We'll live in a hut in the jungle." "Will it have a parquet floor?" "I hate polishing floors." " Of course not." " What am I thinking of?" "I'll be your wife." "I won't ever have to wear a maid's uniform again." "Well, perhaps just in the mornings." "There she is!" "Good God!" "Is that him?" " Has he got a moustache?" " Yes, and a beard." " Looks like my Uncle Walter." " What's he doing here?" " He's dead." " It's not him." "That's him!" "Come on, Meldrum." "We'll thrash him." " He hasn't done anything." " He's slobbering all over her!" "Swine!" "Fornicator!" "Lecher!" "Wife stealer!" "Come on, Meldrum." "Oh!" "Oh!" " What's the matter?" " It's my chest." "It's the shock!" "I'll loosen your collar." "Good heavens!" "It's my brother!" "He mustn't see you!" "Oh!" "Mr Twelvetrees, why is his lordship strangling Sir Ralph?" "Never mind." "Come on, Ivy." "Oh!" "Ow!" " What has occurred, sir?" " Sir Ralph has had a seizure." "I can't get these studs undone." "Help me." "You know more about this sort of thing." " Please lie still, sir." " You swine!" "How dare you slobber over my wife!" "It's a case of mistaken identity!" "That's what they all say!" "Stop hitting poor Mr Twelvetrees!" "(Whistle)" "Break it up!" "Break it up!" "You're disturbing the peace in a royal park!" "Oh, it's you, your lordship." "Is this man molesting you?" " Does it look as if I'm molesting him?" " He's had some sort of attack." " Give him artificial respiration!" " He's not drowning." " That's for drowning people." " Undo his trousers." "Ooh, no, please, sir." "Not in a royal park, if you don't mind." "Can I have some more jam and cream, please?" "Certainly, sir." "Still one for your stomach, I see, Alf." "Hey, do you remember them beautiful Devonshire cream teas we used to have when we worked the halls in the West Country?" "The only thing I can remember is you standing in the spotlight and those knives flashing towards me." " I only hit you once." " You nearly had my ear off." "Don't exaggerate, Myrtle." "It was only a little nick." "Thank goodness I don't have to run them sort of risks any more." "Now I'm quite safe." "What, with Jasper Lemont and his immaculate magic?" "You can sneer, Alf." "Jasper's a perfect gentleman." "When we're on tour, he always books single beds." "I used to book single beds." "But he books two." "I bet them swords going through the box is risky." "It's just a trick." "Jasper showed me how to do it." "Half an hour in the cabinet with him and I got the lot." "And when I'm doing it, he doesn't use the top two slots." "Listen, Myrtle, there's nothing to it." "It'll only take you half an hour." "I'll introduce you to Mrs Lipton as my wife." "Whatever she says, you say you won't divorce me." "Why don't you just tell her you don't want to marry her?" "I can't." "If I do that she'll go straight to Lord Meldrum" " and tell him about the money I owe her." " Oh, Alf." "I can't be a party to lying to some poor old woman who's fallen for you." " Although God knows why." " Come off it, Myrtle." " You did." " Yes." "But you were a 16 collar then." "I could iron your shirt in ten minutes." "Now it must be like doing a marquee." "Don't be cruel, Myrtle." "I'm under a lot of pressure." "It's not just for me." "It's for my daughter." "My little Ivy." "We've both got a good job and we eat well and we've got a roof over our heads." "And don't forget, there are over three million people out of work." "All right, then." "I'll do it for Ivy's sake." "I always felt sorry for her having you as a father." "I did my best for her, Myrtle." "I know you did." "But there's only one snag to this great plan of yours, Alf." "Ivy knows her own mother, for goodness sake." " She'll give the game away." " I thought about all that." "If you come round on a Sunday, they'll all be at church." " What time do you want me there?" " 1 1 o'clock sharp." "All right, then." "I've got to go." "I've got a rehearsal." "Jasper's going to show me something new in the cabinet." "Ta-ta." " Can I have the bill, please?" " Oh, yes, of course." "I hope you enjoyed your tea." "I'm sorry there wasn't much variety of cakes." "My partner left me a few days ago." "Just like that." "I've been up half the night cooking." "I don't think I can keep going much longer." "Can't you get your cake from somewhere else?" "Oh, no." "They have to be home-made." "And I just haven't got pastry hands." "When I make cherry cakes, all my cherries sink to the bottom." "Do they now?" "I might just be able to help you there." " There's someone at the door." " Oh, dear." " Who's going to answer it?" " I can't." "I'm too lowly." "I'm not allowed to be seen." "Oh, you'll have to answer it, Henry." "That will be good experience for me." "(Bell)" "It's the third time that bell has rung." "Where are the servants?" "Why don't you go and answer it yourself?" "(Bell)" " Why haven't you answered the door?" " Cos I haven't got there yet." " Take him up." " Henry, take that." " Phone the doctor." " Yes, my lord." "Henry, take my helmet." "I can't see." " Are you all right, sir?" " This way." "Daddy, what on earth is happening?" "It's nothing to worry about." "Sir Ralph has had a seizure." " Why have you brought him here?" " Well, we were only in the park." "Excuse me." "What's the doctor's number?" "Don't worry." "I'll do it." "What were you doing in the park?" "I can't go into all that now." "Get onto the doctor." " Henry, take my hat." " Yes, m'lord." " Where's Mrs Lipton?" " Gone to see what's up." "Hundreds of people are trooping into the house." "Where are you doing with Mrs Lipton's cherry cake?" "Never you mind." "And not a word to anybody." "You can take those apple peelings home with you." "That'll be nice." "The doctor will be here soon." "And the maid will bring you a hot-water bottle." "Should we take his trousers off?" "Why does everybody want to take my trousers off?" " How are you, Ralph?" " Bearing up." "Thank you for taking so much care of me, Meldrum." "You're a good egg." " I've brought the hot-water bottle." " Put it near Sir Ralph's feet." " He's still got his trousers on." " We know, Ivy." "What was that?" "Ivy was remarking that Sir Ralph still has his trousers on, sir." "Would you like us to remove your trousers?" "(Groans)" "We did offer to remove them, m'lord, but he wouldn't hear of it." "(Groans)" " What do you think?" " Absolutely delicious." "And the cherries haven't sank to the bottom." "I wish I knew the secret." "That would be telling." "Now, two cherry cakes a day, six days a week, that's 12." "Home-made jam, strawberry, apricot, raspberry and plum." " A dozen each." " That's rather a lot." "They'll keep." "Say four dozen each of maids of honour, chocolate éclairs... scones and jam-cream slices... ah, and rum babas." "That comes to...five pounds, and I'll need the money in advance, please." " lsn't that rather dear?" " Only the finest ingredients are used." "If you want cheap cakes, you're quite free to go elsewhere." "Oh, no, no, that'll be all right." "Thank you." "(Sighs) This is dreadful." "Dreadful!" " What did the doctor say about Ralph?" " I don't know." "He's still up there with Agatha." "What was she doing in the park with that young man?" " Did he have a moustache?" " Don't go into all that now." "What were you doing with Madge Cartwright's maid?" " That's got nothing to do with you." " Sir Ralph saw you." "I had to make an excuse." "I told him she was your nurse." "What do I need a nurse for?" "I said you were barmy and kept falling over." "Damn cheek." "You know what Ralph's like." "Be all round the club tomorrow." " Don't be silly." " It jolly well will." "One word from Sir Ralph and the whole of London knew about you being shot in the artillery." "Excuse me, my lord." "Lady Agatha wants to see you." "I put her in the dining room because Poppy and Cissy are in the drawing room with the doctor, having a whisky." "Constable Wilson's in the kitchen having a cup of tea," "Mr Twelvetrees has gone to Boots for medicine and Sir Ralph's dropped off." "He's wearing your pyjama top but he still won't let us take his trousers off." "That's what comes of going to Eton." "Mr Teddy, Miss Cartwright's maid Rose came round to have a word with you in private but we've run out of rooms, so I've told her to come back tomorrow." "George darling." " What did the doctor say?" " He thinks it's his heart." "Ralph mustn't be moved for three days just in case." "I'm not going to beat about the bush." "We both saw you in the park with that young chap." " What young chap?" " The one with the moustache." " Oh, him!" " Yes, him." " He sells insurance." " In the park?" "It's a secret." "I'm taking out life insurance for Ralph." " But you embraced him!" " No!" "I stopped him from falling over." "He was in the war." "He gets dizzy." "You walked away arm in arm." " I was holding him up." " I don't believe a word of it!" "Oh, George, I love you when you're angry." "Take me in your arms and kiss me." "Oh, yes..." "No!" "What am I doing?" "Your husband is ill in my own house!" "What's happening to me?" "What are we going to do?" "Very simple." "I shall move in here with Ralph, give him a little sleeping pill, and as soon as he drops off, tiptoe across the landing to you." "My God, you're a scheming hussy." " But I can't help myself." " No." "You'd better make it a big pill." " Who is it?" " It's me, Blanche." "Go away." "I don't want to talk to you." " I've got something for you, Blanche." " You can keep it." "I don't want it." "Alf?" "What's this?" "It's some of the money I owe you." "You'll get the same every week till it's paid off." "Well, I never." "And I'll tell you something else." "On Sunday my wife will be coming round." "We're gonna get it all sorted out." "I can't believe my ears, Alf Stokes." "That's the trouble." "You've always thought the worst of me." "You've hurt me, Blanche, because deep down I'm an honest man." "Then why did you steal my cherry cake?" " I did not steal it." "It was for the orphans." " What orphans?" "Sit down and I'll tell you about it." " I was walking across Battersea Bridge..." " Battersea Bridge?" "Yes, Battersea Bridge." "..and I looked down and there were two little kids scavenging for driftwood in the mud." "You should have seen their little pink faces shivering with the cold." " Was this yesterday afternoon?" " Yes." "We were in the park." "It was rather warm." "There's a cruel wind blows under them bridges." "When you're all wet and muddy it does make you shiver." "Quite right, Ivy." "Anyway, I helped them carry the wood back to the orphanage." "It was a tall old stone building." "It struck a chill into my soul just to look at it." "Hardly any furniture." "Just a few wooden benches and bare wooden tables." "Sounds like Oliver Twist." "You're quite right, Ivy." "Anyhow, it was tea time." "You should have seen them poor kids sitting in rows with bits of crust with margarine on them and mugs of weak tea in front of them." " What, no jam?" " No." " And no cake?" " No, Ivy." " Oh." " And their little iron beds with thin straw mattresses and threadbare covers." "So they showed you round, then." "They must have been nice people running it." "They were trying their best, Ivy." "My heart went out to 'em." "So I rushed back here and took them one of Mrs Lipton's cherry cakes." "You should have seen their little faces light up when I shared it out." " How many orphans were there?" " Oh, I don't know." "50 or 60." "One cherry cake amongst 60 orphans." " What did you do, perform a miracle?" " Oh, that's blasphemous!" "I'm surprised at you, James." "Oh, I agree with you, James." "We had to cut the cake up into very small pieces." "They can't have had more than a teaspoonful and a quarter of a cherry each." "Oh, you divided them up, then!" "Oh, that's nice." "The cherries are the best part." "Don't keep interrupting Mr Stokes, Ivy." "No, don't keep interrupting, Ivy." "One little kid held a cherry up in her fingers." "The look on that child's face will haunt me for the rest of my days." "There were tears running down her cheeks and she said," ""Look, mister!" "A whole cherry!"" "I thought you divided them up." "That was before we divided them up, Ivy." "Anyhow, I thought, "This can't go on."" "I kept turning it over in my mind while I was serving dinner." "I know I wouldn't be able to sleep with it on my conscience." "So just before I went to bed I put it to Mrs Lipton and she agreed to make sure they had cake and jam for the next three months." "Mrs Lipton may agree to make the cakes but who's gonna pay for the ingredients?" "I won't be a party to you purloining his lordship's groceries." "That's all been attended to, James." "First thing this morning, Mr Stokes took me up to see his lordship, and he said it was the least he could do in these hard times." "What's the name of the orphanage?" "I don't know." "Saint something-or-other." " Where is it?" " Shouldn't you be setting the table?" "Yes." "Come on, Mr Twelvetrees." "Mr Pearson's here from the grocers." "He's brought ever such a lot of stuff." "Morning, all." "I got a lot more outside." "What are you going to do, open a cake shop?" "All for the orphans." "It's good you managed to catch me last night." "We close at six." "You ordered all this at six o'clock last night?" "That's right." "Before you'd spoken to Mrs Lipton and his lordship." "I knew they wouldn't let me down." "Help me set the table for lunch, Ivy." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "Oh, isn't my dad wonderful?" "He's got a heart of gold underneath that starched dicky." "There's something fishy about all this." "If those cakes reach the orphans, they can have my wages as well." "Oh, please, just this once, let me dad be telling the truth." "I don't think I'm getting through." "Ripped by malgabo Sync by sutyiboy" "* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear this same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Talking flicks are here today" "* And Lindbergh's from the USA" "* Poor Valentino's passed away... *" "How sad, m'lord."