"This is "the comedy central" "Roast of roseanne barr" brought" "To you by... and now welcome your roast" "Master, jane lynch!" "[cheers  applause]" "Hello." "Hello." "Thank you!" "[applause]" "Thank you!" "Thank you." "Good evening, everyone." "I'm jane lynch." "Welcome to the comedy central" "Roast of roseanne!" "Goodness" "What a night." "Roseanne, ellen barkin, casey" "Segal, carrie fisher." "It's like a menopausal palooza:" "This show is serving up more old" "Spoiled hens than a chick-fil-a." "Oh, that reminds me." "[bleep] chick-fil-a." "And roseanne is referred t as" "Just one name, bitch!" "Ellen barkin is here." "Huh?" "[applause]" "Ellen, your sxcene is "sea of" "Love" is the reason I'm a" "Lesbian." "Nothing like seeing al pacino's" "Bare as on the screen to make a" "Girl want to eat [bleep] like" "She's about to be executed." "Carrie fisher is here!" "[cheers  applause]" "Now, carrie's here to put" "Roseanne's weight and drug" "Problems into perspective." "Carrie was one of the hottest" "Actresses in hollywood." "Tt was long ago in a galaxy" "Far, far away." "One of the good ones." "Wayne brady is here." "[cheers  applause]" "Now, wayne, you're going to hear" "A lot of jokes about how you're" "Not a real black man." "I want you to know, I still hid" "My purse." "Good, good." "[laughter]" "But enough about these vile" "Degenerate failures." "Before we bring roseanne out" "Tonight, let's take a look back" "At her many career highlights so" "Her viewers under the age of 20" "Can stop asking who the [bleep]" "She is roseanne barr." "A husband thinks a wife knows where every thing is." "Like a uterus is a tracking device." "[laughter]" "I like that joan jett." "I can't even remember the last time we had sex." "I can." "That's why we ain't doing it." "When I was 12 years old, I" "Signe a deal because I wanted" "To get famous no matter what." "You ever sorry we got" "Married?" "Every second of my life." "Why are you so mean?" "Because I hate kids." "She starred in the" "Ground-breaking show," ""roseanne," she never shied away" "From contentious issues." "It featured the first lesbian" "Kiss on tv." "And then I had this tragic" "Singing accident." "Oh, yeah." "ｶ and the home of the brave ｶ disgusting." "So anti-american." "Scratching herself and" "Spitting." "The nationa anthem?" "I don't think so." "You think I'm pretty?" "Don't say that on television." "[bleep] you!" "So those macadamia nuts... those are my nuts." "I need to run for president." "I'm not kidding." "This is america, land of the" "Free." "I have to call my" "Psychiatri." "That's what makes me me." "I can't begin to tell you" "What a privilege it is for you" "To have me here tonight." "Let's start this show!" "[cheers  applause]" "She is a personal inspiration" "To me an an absolute comedic" "Genius." "Please welcome america's" "Domestic goddess, roseanne!" "[cheers  applause]" "Hi, gilbert." "Hi, carrie." "Awesome entrce." "Awesome." "Hi, honey." "Hello darling." "Oh, hi!" "[cheers  applause]" "Roseanne, it's greato" "Finally meet you." "You know, I waved to you outside" "But realized it was one of" "Those inflating parking lot" "Gorillas." "What a huge mark you've made on" "The entertainment industry." "There your ground-breaking" "Show "roseanne" and then" "There'... yes!" "[applause]" "And then of urse there's" "Reruns of "roseanne."" "And having a hit show finally" "Allowed you to do what you truly" "Love to do, fire people." "[laughter]" "Let's not forget your movie" "Career like the rest of america." "You co-starred in "she devil"" "With meryl stree" "That movie got 2 1/2 stars jt" "Like this stage." "Of course, you've experienced" "Controversy." "Everybody remembers your version" "Of the star spangd banner." "What could have predicted your" "Beautiful speaking voice" "Wouldn't translate to singing." "In your defense, you said there" "Was something wrong with the" "Sound system that y." "There was." "It had been turned on." "Then you moved on to spiritual" "Pursuits." "Roseanne, you're a jew that" "Converted to more man, that" "Converteto kablah and in 1990 you converted to white" "Trash when you mried tom" "Arnold." "Now, roseanne, it's not your" "Fault you're attracted to tom." "You saw with all that white" "Powder on his upper lip, there" "Must be a doughnut somewhere." "[Ghter]" "Roseanne said she had plastic" "Surgery to get away from tom" "Arnold much like a nonazy" "Peon would use a car." "[laughter]" "By the way, tom arnold wted to" "Be here tonight but at the last" "Minute nobody asked him." "[laughter]" "I really don't know a lot about" "Roseanne's current boyfriend." "I do know one thing." "He's into fat chicks." "[laughter]" "Roseanne, you've admitted to" "Having multiple personalities." "It's amazing you couldn't find" "One that was likeable." "And it's true that roseanne goes" "Off the grid from time to time." "This allows the grid to maiain" "Its structural integrity." "[laughter]" "But this year she's announced" "Her campaign for presidency." "[cheers  applause]" "Mitt romney sent roseanne" "Flowers for making him the" "Second most hated morman in the" "Race." "Like joan of arc, you'r a" "Strong wman that has a lot to" "Say." "Fears nothing and whose ass is" "About to go up in flames." "Let's bring out your first" "Roaste [cheers applause]" "Our first roaster is amy" "Schumer." "[cheers  applause]" "Now, amy didn't have to blow" "Someone to be on the stage" "Tonight, but she insisted on it." "[laughter]" "Ladies and gentlemen, let's get" "Her out of the way, amy schumer." "[applause]" "Oh, eat a dick, jane." "[laughter]" "Try it." "[laughter]" "Look at this stage." "Roseanne, ellen, jane, kate." "You are like the women's" "Gymnastic teams." "Tired, sweeting." "You don't getour period" "Anymore." "I haven't seen this much skin" "Since jane lynch's circumcision." "[Ighter]" "I don't want to mess wh you," "Jane." "I know your fans would eat my [bleep] alive." "[laughter]" "I'm sorry." "I cannot stop looking at ellen" "Barkin." "You're so sexy." "Jane, isn't it weird to see what" "You would look like as a woman?" "[laughter]" "Weird." "I think it's weird." "Wayne brady is here." "[applause]" "Wayne, you're crazy talented." "You're so brilliant." "Why doesn't anyone care?" "No one up here can do what you" "Do" "When someone mentioned whos" "Line is it anyway?" "Carrie fisher yells out "mine"!" "[laughter]" "Because you're a drug addict." "Right." "[laughter]" "Now, carrie, you've had more" "Lines than a crippled kid at" "Disneyland." "[laughter]" "Ellen barkin is here." "Ellen caught a lot of flak for" "Dating a man half her age." "So what?" "You're dating a 43-year-old!" "[laughter]" "I don't see the problem." "Ellen has married some of the" "Richest men in the world." "I'm not saying she's a gold" "Digger, but she ain't messing" "With no broke wayne bradys." "You know what I'm saying?" "Ellen has been quote as saying" "She slept her way to the middle." "You've inspired women to put" "Their best clit forward." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Seth, a clit is this small..." "You won't need to worry about" "It." "Take it down." "Seth is here representing the" "Lollipop guild." "Thank you!" "[laughter]" "For over 30 years, seth green" "Has been one of hollywood's top" "Child actors." "[laughter]" "Speaking of children, gilbert," "God, you look like a tony asian" "Kid." "Hang around long enough and jane" "And her wife will try to adopt" "You!" "[laughter]" "Jeff ross, still gross." "Jeff ross." "[laughter]" "Jeff, you look lik krusty the" "Clown dressed as joe paterno." "[laughter]" "Thk it will help for all your" "Work at children's parties." "Is that a rape whistle?" "[laughter]" "Jeff, you look worse than when I" "Started this sentence." "How did you do that?" "[Aughter]" "Which brings me to michael" "Moore... mean, roseanne barr." "[laughter]" "I'm such a fan." "Roseanne bought a nut farm, a" "Nut farm, which is also the name" "For ellen barkin's mouth in an" "Audition." "[laughter]" "Amy, what did I do to you?" "You just swallowed a ton of" "Ejaculate." "That's all I'm saying." "Roseanne, you have the voice of" "A parakeet and the face of a" "Much fatter parakeet." "You know you're unattractive" "When sara gilbert is eye candy" "On the set." "You loo gorgeous." "I was surprised you were running" "For president." "I thin a lot of people couldn't" "Picture you like running." "[laughter]" "Truthfully, you've been making" "People laugh and feel better for" "As long as I can remember." "You're a personal hero." "I'mhonored to be here." "Thanks so much." "[cheers  applause]" "Thank you." "That's funny." "The comedy central roast of" "Roseanne is brought to you by... coming up, seth green, katey" "Segal, wayne brady, carrie" "[applause]" "Our next roaster is seth" "Green." "Seth is the man he is today" "Because his mom smokes during" "Pregnancies." "Please welcome the only peron" "Here tonight, the only person" "That wants another austin powers" "Movie, seth green!" "Wow, jane lynch." "Seriously, you're one of my" "Favorite comic actors." "Jane lynch is the funniest man" "In america." "I'm real rady for you to come" "Up here and do your stupid jokes" "About my height." "I have a job." "It's on cartoon network." "But I don't have to sleep a yea" "And wait or the the next roast." "Carrie fisher is here." "[applause]" "Carrie and I go way back to the" "First austin powers movie where" "She played a therapist." "There's no irony there." "[laughter]" "Carrie used to be paid a lot to" "Take work as a screen writer." "Now the only scripts she takes" "Are from a friend's medicine" "Cabinet." "[laughter]" "I'm reall glad you're here." "It's a nerd's dream to be on the" "Same show as carrie fisher and" "Amy schumer." "Princess leah and princess blow" "Ya." "Amy, you have a part in the new" "Steve carell movie." "Congratulations." "A great change for your usual," "Seeking a dick for the end of" "The night." "[laughter]" "I can't believe ellen barkin is" "Here tonight." "[applause]" "I got so excited when s looked" "At me back stage with that sexy" "Crooked smile." "Actually wasn'ture if she was" "Saying I'm lo or hell, I'm" "Having a stroke!" "[laughter]" "Ff ross is an old friend." "He's got a new show on roasting" "The news." "It would be perfect for people" "Who find jon stewart handsome" "And funny." "[laughter]" "People have said wayne brady" "Isn't black enough." "He got a job as a game show" "Host." "That's going to show them." "Gilbert gottfried, I don't know" "Why you squint a lot." "We're the ones that have to look" "At you." "[laughter]" "Katey segal, I've known you" "Since you did married with" "Children when I was doing "the" "Fact of life."" "Now you're a star on the sons of" "Anarchy." "I'm here for roseanne, our guest" "Of honor." "[applause]" "Roseanne, you need another show." "You're spending too much time on" "Twitter." "It's annoying." "I tweet a lot but you tweet more" "Than big bird when he's getting" "Ass raped." "[laughter]" "Okay." "Last time I saw roseanne, she" "Was in a snickers commercial." "Because that's what america is" "Thinking." "I want to eat what she's eating!" "[laughter]" "Most of all, I love princess" "Leia strangle you with a chain" "At the end of return of the" "Jedi." "Most of all." "I love you." "Oh, thank you." "Our next roaster is katey" "Sega." "[applause]" "You may remember her for her" "Sitcom "married with children."" "She's currently starring in sons" "Of anarchy as vicious" "Criminal." "She's finally here to kill her" "Career." "Please welcome katey segal." "[applause]" "Thank you, jane." "I have been a fan of your work" "Since you were cutting down the" "Redwood with your big blue ox." "I'm not sure if u know this," "But jane came out to her parents" "In a letter." "There hasn't been a letter that" "Unnecessary since the p in" "Pneumonia." "Ellen barkin is here." "Ellen, you're a survivor." "When your second marriage fell" "Apart, you didn't sit around" "Feeling sorry for yourself." "You took your $40 million... 20." "Your $20 million" "Settlement... whatever!" "My kids think they're richer" "Than we are." "You took all that money and" "You paid someone else to sit" "Around and feel sorry for you." "And amy schumer" "You know, this business can" "Really be tough on women." "Many of them develop eating" "Disorders in an effort to be" "Thin." "Just a suggestion." "[laughter]" "Speaking of things that are" "Thin, it's so good to see seth" "Green." "Seth, you being here marks the" "First time someo your size has" "Beenn comedy central without" "Jeff dunham's hand up their ass." "[laughter]" "It's also reallyyoodo s" "Wayne brady." "Wayne is kind of talented, kind" "Of funny and kind of black meet." "And then there's jane lynch." "Jane, you were named one of" "Power up's ten amazing gay women" "In show biz." "Quite an honor even in there are" "Only seven of you." "[laughter]" "Jeff ross was also on the list" "After they confused him for" "Being a lesbian." "Ands will for being in show biz." "[laughter]" "And I have to say it's great to" "See roseanne back in the" "Spotlight." "Thank you!" "Thank you, katey." "I mean, you know, technically" "It's two spotlights." "But you get the idea." "Roseanne was a trail-blazing" "Comedy icon that created the" "Character of an irrevent smart" "Talking mom that nobody had ever" "Seen sce I did it on "married" "With children" the year before." "[cheers  applause]" "Roseanne broke into the reality" "World with "roseanne's nuts."" "The show about her and johnny" "Argent running a macadamia farm." "Roseanne, I feel honored that" "You and I broke grou for tv" "Moms that didn't cook, didn't" "Clean and didn't make any money." "In the 90s, it makes you a bad" "Mom." "Today it makes you mitt romney's" "Wife." "[cheers  applause]" "As an advocate for justi," "You're willi to speak for the" "Voiceless many as well as the" "Manyvoices." "All of whom are in your head." "Telling you to eat it, [bleep]" "It, fire it or run for" "President." "Roseanne, thank you so much for" "Asking me to be a part of this." "Thank you!" "Still to come, jeff ross." "You look so good in my joke" "You night not work." "Carrie fisher and wayne" "Brady." "I want you to tweet me." "I want to tweet you." "Let's do that." "I'm going to tweet you so h [applause]" "Our nxt roaster is jeff" "Ross." "[applause]" "Jeff jus finished a national" "Score." "He's the only man that has" "Jerked off in more theatershan" "Fred willard." "Please, welcome the roastmaster" "General, jeff ross!" "[applause]" "Yeah!" "Fantastic!" "Give it up for your host" "Tonight, denis leary." "[laughter]" "I think chris is here from" "Lee."" "This is so cool." "I love "glee."" "Jane, it's my favorite show." "It is." "Except for the one time they let" "You sing." "I haven't heard sounds that" "Disturbing since I hung out in" "Sandusky's basement." "Too soon for the "glee" joke?" "[laughter]" "Folks, if you're offended by" "What you see tonight, just do" "What joe paterno did." "Look the other way." "Again, jane, thanks for hosting." "You're probably the most beloved" "Person in comedy right now." "Before the show, I even heard" "The crowd chanting "lynch," "Lynch."" "And that was just during wayne" "Brady's introduction." "[laughter]" "Please, is that wayne brady or" "Didl jolson forget to take off" "His makeup?" "How did you make a career out of" "Corporate teen-building" "Exercises?" "If you're just tuning in, no," "This is not a lifetime original" "Movie." "[laughter]" "Thank you." "Ellen barkin, you always been" "Ahead of your time." "Voted hottest woman over 30 at" "Age 36." "Carrie fisher, make yourself" "Comfortable." "Chain yourself to roseanne's" "Chair." "What does that mean?" "I don't get that." "It's a [bleep] star wars" "Joke." "Oh, I don't get it." "You should know." "You're dressed like yoda's" "Grandma." "[laughter]" "I'm telling you, this roast" "Stuff doesn't take commercial" "Breaks." "It takes a menopause." "[laughr]" "And anthony, I'm hearing you're" "Very excited about your new" "Pilot." "John travolta." "[laughter]" "I see the world's uglyist [bleep] gilbert gottfried is" "Here tonight." "You look like benjamin button" "When he was 6." "[laughter]" "Gilbert has kept a low profile" "Since he was fired from aflec" "For an insensitive tweet." "Gilbt, if you want an" "Insensitive tweet, tweet about" "Ellen barkin's makeup." "Too soon, too soon." "No, too good." "You look beautiful." "I have to hand it to you, you" "Have been torchered and abused" "All night and still hanging in" "There." "Roseanne, I'm not talking to" "You." "I'm talking about the chair" "You're sitting on." "[laughter]" "Oh, wait." "You know what?" "Normally when I roast a pig, it" "Has an apple in its mouth." "[laughter]" "After our last roast, I said, we" "Need someone bigger than charlie" "Sheen." "This isn't what I meant." "[laughter]" "Last year we roasted charlie." "This year we're roasting the" "Chocolate factory." "What?" "What is that joke?" "You want me to explain the [bleep] jokes to you?" "I didn't hear it." "It means your fat." "Oh, okay." "I'm looking forward to your new" "Show, "tons of anarchy."" "Instead ofunning for" "President, why don't you try" "Walking on a treadmill?" "[laughter]" "I'd vote for you but I'm against" "Big government." "[laughter]" "Roseanne joined the green party" "Because she was kicked out of" "The tea party for eating all the" "Crumpets." "[laughter]" "Nice one!" "How manyersonalities you" "Have?" "Eight, nine?" "At are the odds they are all [bleep]?" "Comedy comes from pain, people." "And nobody knows tt better" "Than this woman." "The legendary roseanne barr." "[cheers  applause]" "She was molested as a child." "Oh, that poor molester." "[laughter]" "Roseanne neverot over it." "She felt violated." "She had trust issues." "She never got the candy he" "Promised her." "[laughter]" "Roseanne, I'll always love you" "For saying whatever you want," "For never holding back." "In these alarming times when" "Comedians are second guessing" "Their imaginations and sometimes" "Even apologizing for jokes, I" "Conside you a hero and a martyr" "And a friend." "Thank you." "Thanks very much." "I love you." "[cheers  applause]" "W, I'm going to take seth" "Green and hit thshowers!" "Up next, carrie fisher," "Anthony jeselnik and wayne" "Brady." "That's one of the black" "Handshake [applause]" "Our next roaster is wayne" "Brady." "Wayne said he got his" "Inspiration when he watched a" "Summer camp production of "hello" "Dolly" and thought that's what I" "Want to do, be gay!" "[laughter]" "Please welcome wayne brady." "[applause]" "Thank you so much, jane." "Now, this is comedy central." "Don't make me choke a butch." "Just saying." "Just saying" "Just want to let you know." "There's no giving away of" "Prizes, none of that stuff." "No making up songs." "I'm about to tell the truth on" "This mother [bleep] stage here" "Tonight." "I have to preach a little bit." "I have to preach." "Carriefisher." "Carrie, you're the only" "Celebrity whose action figure is" "Worth more than you are." "[applause]" "Ellen barkin." "So good to see you." "You are hot." "So ellen, pture me, you, red" "Wine, candlelight, a time" "Machine." "[laughter]" "No, I would [bleep] you." "And schumer, I wouldn't [bleep]" "You." "I wouldn't [bleep] you if you" "Used watermelon flavor flavorel" "While watering a fried chicken g" "String." "I wouldn't." "You couldn't get a black dude to [bleep] you if you were on the" "Set of a brand new tyler perry" "Movie call "how to get black" "Dude to [bleep] you."" "[laughter]" "That's okay." "That's all right." "Jeff ross." "Oh, by the way, those al jolson" "Jokes go over big with kids." "Yeah." "You're current as [bleep]." "[laughter]" "Now, the thing is, jeff, these" "Are all jokes and I really like" "You." "Really, really like you but a" "Lot of people hate you." "Especially sarah palin." "Because you remindmer of what" "Trying is going to look like" "When he's 40." "[laughter]" "And... and now you boo me." "[bleep] you all." "I don't want to hear this." "You don't boo me because of" "Trig." "And now to the reason we're all" "Here." "Roseanne barr." "[applause]" "You have overcome a lot to make" "It in hollywood." "That's why I love you." "Bad marriages, mental illness," "Plus you look like roseanne." "[laughter]" "You're oversized, beat up and" "You wreak of marijuana." "That's seth ross." "You're kind of like willie" "Nelson's tour bus, except people" "Still want to ride that." "And now, all that being said, I" "Really think that your a comedic" "Gem and I thank you for letting" "Me be here." "On behalf of intelligent" "Brothers everywhere, you can" "Suck my black [bleep]." "Good night." "Thanks so much." "You're so funny." "Our next roaster is carrie" "Fisher." "[applause]" "She became famous with" "Travelling into space." "Now she can be seen from it." "May the force help her get out" "Of that seat, pase welcome" "Carrie fisher!" "Okay." "Thank you." "Ere's nothing funier than a" "Good menstruation joke." "Unfortunately there hasn't been" "Any tonight." "But okay." "So I'm carrie." "I'm a alcoholic." "Okay." "Roseanne..." "I can't say oops," "Wrong room!" "Roseanne, when they first asked" "Me to do the show tonight, I" "Said y?" "And then ty explained that we" "Were good friends and that we" "Apparently have worked together." "[laughter]" "Did younow I wrote and episode" "Of your show?" "I do." "I didn't know that but... [laughter]" "It must be true." "Read it online next to the" "Posting about how much I look" "Like elton john." "[laughter]" "As you may have noticed about" "Me yes, I do have big tits buts" "Will I'm mentally ill." "Yay!" "Thank you, thank you." "Makes this a lot easier, believe" "Me." "But you know, I'm not the only" "One." "Jeff ross." "God, you give so much of" "Yourself entertaining our troops" "Overseas." "Not by doing standup." "They just like watching fat guys" "Get out of helicopters." "There you go." "[laughter]" "Eaking of electro convulsive" "Therapy." "I learned two things tonight" "Bumping into seth green back" "Stage." "He is a big star wars fan." "And I apparently was in star" "Wars." "[laughter]" "So amazing!" "That must have been great." "You know... now, wayne brady," "How a you?" "You're so white that I tried to" "Snort you back stage, didn't I?" "I'm sorry." "[laughter]" "Wow!" "Now, I have seen gilbert" "Gottfried at 12-step meetings." "He was not actually there." "They held a picture up of him" "And they said, if you [bleep]" "This man, a, how humiliating for" "You and b, you must be a" "Alcoholic." "[laughter]" "At least I hope so." "Jane... love yo carrie." "Oh, dear, I love you, too." "I do love you on "glee."" "I do." "It's a change to see a coach" "That doesn't take showers with" "Little boys." "Hey, wait a mite!" "What?" "What?" "You're going to take exception" "To that?" "You did that joke." "No, no, no." "Not that?" "N" "I'moing to do another" "Period joke and another white" "Joke, short joke, old women" "Joke." "[laughter]" "Okay." "So... [laughter]" "Yeah." "[cheers  applause]" "Hilarious!" "Anthony jeselnik, I've heard" "That you are a pretty gutsy guy." "You say what other rapists only" "Think." "You don't get your period" "Anymore, do you?" "God, I could laugh about that" "All night." "Now, I'm going to talk about" "Someone I have a lot of history" "With." "Someone who has always been" "There for me... not really, but" "Roseanne." "You know, roseanne and I, we're" "Both feminists, am I right?" "You're right." "[applause]" "That's it." "You know, we think women can do" "Anything that men can do." "In fact, we were discussing this" "Earlier at the urinal." "Remember that?" "[laughter]" "Okay." "Roseanne, you battled the voices" "In your head to become one of" "The greatest comedians and" "Become one of the greatest" "Sitcom stars of all time." "If I had to come up with a" "Reason why I love you so much," "It would have to be because I" "Have done so much dope that I" "Have no idea who the [bleep] you" "Are." "Or who I am or where I am." "[laughter]" "Thank you!" "[cheers  applause]" "Coming up, ellen bain." "I'm a stand up comic." "And anthony jeselnik." "Ur next roaster is an tony" "Jeselnik." "[applause]" "This fellow is famous for his" "One-liners like "I never touched" "Her."" ""I have an alibi."" "Or "talk to my lawyer" "Clap your hands or pretend like" "You recognize an tony jeselnik." "[applause]" "Thank you, thank you." "When comedy central asked me to" "Be here tonight, I told them to" "[Suck mybleep]." "Now I'm here." "[laughter]" "Jane lynch, I love yourshow," ""glee."" "No matter how I think it's going" "To turn out, there's never a" "School shooting." "My good friend jeff ross is all" "Dressed up tonight." "Yeah, man." "Jeff, you look like something" "A mongoliod kid put together at" "Build a bear." "[laughter]" "Katey segal." "Katey, you're a incredible" "Actor." "You worked on "married with" "Children."" "A show that changed comedy." ""Sons of anarchy."" "The show that took drama to a" "New level." "And "eight simple rules"." "The show that killed john" "Ritter." "[laughter]" "Wow!" "Boo, bitches, boo!" "Seth green is here" "Everybody has that one weird" "Creepy uncle?" "Well, seth green looks like he" "Got raped by all of them." "Ellen barkin, baby doll." "You're upcoming tv show, "the" "New normal" premiers on" "September 11." "Yeah." "September 11th." "That sounds about right." "[laughter]" "I never thought of that!" "Every clip I've seen feels" "Like I'm watching a third tower" "Collapse." "Suck it!" "And wayne brady." "Wayne, I don't understand why" "People keep joking that you're" "Not black." "Wayne brady, you are black!" "After all, I only remember you" "For all of t years you played" "An uppity slave on "whose line" "Is it anyway."" "[laughter]" "I was good." "I was good." "Now for the lady of honor," "Miss roseanne barr." "[cheers  applause]" "Oh, boy, I can't wait!" "Roseanne, your bid for" "President was a failure." "You said that you'd like to" "Become prime minister of israel" "One day." "That could happen." "Those people are [bleep] idiots." "[laughter]" "Roseanne, even though you're a" "Feminist icon, so many men have" "Gotten rich off of you." "Tom arnold, john goodman, the" "Guy who owns the cheesecake" "Factory." "[laughter]" "And roseanne, you were knnotoris" "For being a tyrant on your" "Sitcom." "In fact, the entire cast and" "Crew always had to wal on" "Eggshells around you because you" "Could not stop eating eggs." "Here's something positive." "You had gastric bypass surgery" "In 1998 and then youeat it." "[cheers  applause]" "But roseanne, despite everything" "I just said, there's not a comic" "Alive who doesn't owe a great" "Debt to you." "You're a great sport for being" "Here tonight." "Thank you for being here tonight" "And letting me be here too." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Our next roaster is ellen" "Barkin." "[cheers  applause]" "Older vwers might noel len" "From "diner" or "sea of love" "Younger viewers might know her" "From [bleep] her." "[laughter]" "Ellen stars in the nbc sitcom" ""the new normal" which critics" "Are already describing as" "Cancelled." "[laughter]" "Ladies and gentlemen, please" "Welcome ell barkin." "[cheers  applause]" "Thank you, jane." "I had a cocktail before I came" "On." "I admit it." "And then I had three more" "Cocktails [laughter]" "And then I had a valium." "I was very scared and very" "Intimidated by being surrounded" "By real comedians here tonight." "Luckily the [bleep] jeff ross is" "Here." "That was a relief." "I hear you have a n show." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Don't you think you should say" "Thank you to roseanne for paving" "The way for bus-size women for" "Getting their own tv shows?" "You're right." "[applause]" "Katey, my little peg bundy." "Hi, len." "How does it feel to go" "Through lifenown as that horny" "Red head that could never get" "Laid?" "Seth green, same question." "[laughter]" "And gilbert gottfried." "I am so glad you could take a" "Break from starring directly" "Into the sun to be with us" "Tonight." "[laughter]" "But now it's time to turn our" "Attention to the sexiest [bleep]" "Bitch on this stage." "Miss roseanne barr!" "[cheers  applause]" "Now, roseanne, I'm only here" "Because shon stone dropped out" "And w all know how hilarious" "That [bleep]." "[laughter]" "Hat's not true." "Roseanne, it was very" "Important for me to be here for" "You." "Do you remember that [bleep]" "Bitch that tweeted at me and" "Called me a [bleep] crazele" "Robbing washed up s-been pig" "Who should find a man my own age" "Instead of parading around with" "Some boy toy that I would never" "Get if I didn't used to be" "Famous in the 80s?" "In the end, roseanne, in my" "Defense, she took to twitter and" "She told that [bleep] bitch," "Shut the [bleep] up!" "[cheers  applause]" "Now, graned, I was with that" "Woman's son at the time." "[laughter]" "It was late and he did have" "Homework that night." "But there was no way I was" "Letting that little hairless" "Play thing out ofy sandbox." "[laughter]" "My frie, roseanne, you are a" "Pionr." "You became an icon for female" "Comics, for working mothers, for" "All women." "And then you married that" "Jittery coke head and you [bleep] it all up." "[laughter]" "Oh we." "I love you." "I love you too." "Thank you!" "The comedy central roast of" "Roseanne is brought to you by... still to come, roseanne gets" "A surprise visit from her ex." "This is the best for mat to" "Do" "[applause]" "Wow!" "Okay." "So I was just told we have a" "Last-minute guest that stopped" "By to say a few words." "Ladies and gentlemen, tom" "Arnold." "[cheers  applause]" "[cheers  applause]" "Oh shit." "She's right beside me, isn't" "She?" "You know, hi." "We... we have not been in the" "Same room for over 18 ars." "Yay!" "Yeah." "[applause]" "I'm not here to tear roseanne a" "New one." "Quite frankly, I've seen the old" "One." "It is spectacular." "It could use little paint," "Maybe a couple plants in the" "Corners, a wicker love seat." "Trust me, that baby is move-in" "Ready!" "[laughter]" "Trt." "Why am I here?" "Well, I'm here to honor roseanne" "And I'm here because I [bleep]" "Earned it the hard way." "[laughter]" "Have any of you guys eve" "Wrestled her?" "Huh?" "I have." "Has she sent any of you to pair" "Mount to beat up anybody over" "Fat jokes?" "I did." "How many of you been arrested at" "Lax for defending her singing?" "This guy right here." "[laughter]" "Have you ever had her pull a" "Knife on you for spting on her" "Diet cookies?" "Yes." "Yes." "That's right." "[laughter]" "Have you ever been sucker" "Punched in the face by her purse" "In front of bob hope and his" "Frickin' 90th birthday party?" "Yes." "Not." "Yes, you did." "Yes, it's true." "At oneime we we obviously" "Very, very close." "When I was with roseanne... and" "She's talk about this a lot..." "She had 27 personalities." "Only two of them liked me." "One of those was a small german" "Boy." "[laughter]" "Rosy and I were once" "Inseparable." "We lived together, we worked" "Together, we even got tattoos" "Together." "You remember." "I got rosy's face tattooed on my" "Chest." "Believe me, it's hard to get a" "Woman to have sex with you when [bleep] roseanne is staring at" "Her." "True." "It's harder to masturbate." "[laughter]" "You know, rosie, it's true." "She had "property only tom" "Arnold" tattooe on her hip" "Which made me the fourth largest" "Prerty owner in california [laughter]" "Now that I'm allegedly sober and" "We're both in stable" "Relationips... [laughter]" "I want you to know, rosie," "There's no reason to be jealous" "Of my wife, ashley." "She's tall and thin and wasn't" "Born when we were married." "And I learned fromour mistake." "I made her sign a prenup." "That was so good." "Right." "[laughter]" "I just want to say something" "About yourboyfriend, johnny." "Johnny, I want to say this to" "You, man." "No matter what, you have to stay" "With this woman." "She maynot be the perfect wife" "But she's the worst ex-wife on" "The planet." "Literally!" "[laughter]" "You don't want to be a guy lying" "On his couch with a date and" "Hear how small your dick is on" ""Saturday night live."" "And then "the view."" "And cnn and al-jazeera." "She holds a grudge, people!" "You kw what?" "Recently roseanne got in trouble" "For accidentally wishing cancer" "On chick-fil-a customers." "But... [laughter]" "Accidentally." "But you guys can all rela" "If she had the power to wish" "Cancer on anyone, I would have" "Been [bleep] dead in 94." "You know, I met roseanne 30" "Years ago." "You know?" "Remember that?" "That's right?" "Yeah." "30 years ago." "First time I saw you perform I" "Knew you were one of the" "Greatest." "When I got off stage, you said" "To me, you sure are a funny son" "Of a bitch." "I said thanks." "You want to do some blow." "We sold the car and disappeared" "For three days." "Do you remember that?" "And so began our white trash" "Melot." "For one brief shining moment." "In 1985, roseanneent on johnny" "Carson, which was every comic's" "Dream." "She killed, he laughed his ass" "Off, game her a thumb's up and" "Invited her to sit on the couch." "She g validation from the king" "That can never be taken away" "From you." "[applause]" "And I just want to say that" "Roseanne, youere my johnny" "Carson." "And thank you for the thumbs up." "Thank you forllowing me to sit" "On your couch for a little bit." "Good night." "[applause]" "Thank you." "I appreciate it." "Thank you." "And you know... yeah." "Onward we go right?" "I know." "Good look." "A[applause]" "Our next roaster is gilbert" "Gottfried." "Now, gilbert is famous not so" "Much for his comedy but for" "Pissing off more asian people" "Than hiroshima." "Ease welcome that scary kid," "Gilbert gottfried." "[applause]" "Jane lynch!" "Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you" "Can hear the sound of my voice." "This microphone is covered by" "The thick layer of pubic hairs" "That shot from between jane's" "Teeth." "[laughter]" "During the commercial brea," "The produers wipe away the pelt" "Of saliva-coated pubes that" "Accumulate upon the mic." "And each time jane returns to" "The stage, she once again sprays" "A carpetf short, pearly hairs" "All over the microphone and the" "Front row of the nauseated" "Dience members." "So forgive me if my voice is," "Shall we say, muffled." "[laughter]" "Carrie fisher!" "Thank you for visiting us from" "The past." "[laughter]" "Comedy central looked at" "This dais they said we just" "Don't have enough washed up," "Repuant, drug-addicted" "Menopausal has-beens." "Get me carrie fisher!" "[laughte" "Because if there's anything" "We're certain of it's that" "Carrie fisher is available." "[laughter]" " D2 has gotten more work from" "Star wars than carrie fisher." "But tonight isn't about carrie" "Fisher or jeffs or any of" "The other diseased-ridden" "Transients that were forced from" "Their shanties and refrigerator" "Box dwellings to be here." "[laughter]" "Tonight we honor a monster in" "The entertainment industries." "And like most monsters, she goes" "By one name, and that name is" "Rozilla." "[cheers  applause]" "Rozilla!" "She's been descrid aseing" "Covered with a thick layer of" "Scaly gray skin." "Emitting a strong disgusting" "Odor of taco grease and ass" "Cheese." "[laughter]" "Her sharp yellow teeth can take" "A man's arm off in one bite if" "You are foolish enough to try" "And feed the beast her mountain" "Of pork crackling and one" "Slimfast candy bar." "Rozilla!" "Stomping through hollywood for" "Decades, breathing fire from her" "Hairy snout, burning bridge" "After bridge, her glowing red" "Eyes striking terror in the" "Art of anyone unfortunate" "Enough to look in her hideous" "Face." "[laughter]" "Gnarled cow-like hooves... [laughter]" "Crushing and destroying" "Everything in her path." "Stopping only to feed every ten" "Minutes and make one sitcom" "Decades ago." "Her rolls of fat swaying and" "Crashing like a japanese" "Moonami." "[laughter]" "Let me just stop for a second" "And go on the record about" "Moonami." "[laughter]" "One should never spoke about" "Moonami." "One should never joke about" "Moonamis." "And most important of all, one" "Should never tweet aut" "Moonamis." "[applause]" "But if one were to tweet about a" "Moonami, he's probably learned" "His lesson by now and should get" "His endorsement deal back." "[cheers  applause]" "So he won't have to keep doing" "These horrible [bleep] roasts." "Rozilla!" "Or as she's known in tokyo," "Rozilla!" "[laughter]" "Tonight it's our chance to end" "The reign of rozilla forever." "And don't forget about the tail." "Powerful enough to sweep an" "Entire ox into her throbbing" "Colon." "People always forget about the" "Tail." "They say, let's get rozilla." "I say but what about the tail?" "Ey never remember the tail." "[laughter]" "Those people have paid the" "Ultimate price." "And if all else fails, remember" "Good people, blame it on the" "Jews." "[laughter]" "And now for dumb jokes." "A drunken farmer stumbles" "Upstairs into his bedroom." "Waking his wife, roseanne." "She sees her husband holding a" "Sheep under his arm." "The farmer yells, "this ishe" "Big I've been [bleep]."" "Roseanne says, you idiot." "These not a pig." "It's a sheep." "The farmer yells, shut the [bleep] up." "I was talking to the sheep." "[laughter]" "[cheers  applause]" "Thank you." "Good night!" "[cheers  applause]" "He must have a small dick" "Because he has to act like that." "Coming up, reanne goes off." "Roseanne, 2012!" "The comedy central roast of" "Roseanne is brought to you by" "Klondike and taco bell." "And now, it's finally time to" "Unleash our guest of honor." "[cheers  applause]" "An icon, a superstar, a woman" "Whose balls are as big as her" "Mouth." "Roseanne chased the face of" "Television and then changed her" "Face." "She's told so many people to" "Kiss her ass, it could take" "Until the next decades to get it" "Done." "And now tell everybody to go [bleep] themselves." "Ladies and gentlemen, roseanne!" "[cheers  applause]" "Hey, thank you." "Thank you." "Thank a lot." "Greetings roseanne-archists." "[cheers  applause]" "I just want to say to all of my" "Peers, when comedy central calls" "You and tells you they want to" "Honor you, and they will, just" "Hang the [bleep] up." "I got a dais half full of [bleep] losers." "I've seen people in front of" "Home depot less desperate for" "Work." "[laughter]" "All I know is I better get my" "God damn parking validated or" "Some ass hole is getting fired!" "[apause]" "Where the hell are the stars?" "Christ, I must have pissed off" "Everybody I've ever known." "I had a number 1 network show!" "I was in a movie with meryl" "Streep." "And I get amy [bleep] schumer?" "[laughter]" "Meryl streep won three oscars." "This bitch came in fourth on" ""last comic standing."" "[laughter]" "Thank you for your votes." "But I guess you people are" "The only ones that can take the" "Roseanne retort." "Since I am the meanest, baddest" "Bitch on earth." "[cheers  applause]" "Thank you." "[laughter]" "And that is the reason why I'm" "Running for president of ese" "God damn United States of" "America!" "[cheers  applause]" "That's right." "Put that in your [bleep] pipe" "And smoke it, you honky [bleep]." "Obama will get my weed when he" "Pries it out of my cold dead" "Fingers." "[cheers  applause]" "Thank got for jane lynch." "You are one ferocous bitch." "I love you so much." "The most revolutionary character" "On television." "But I hate you because you are" "Thin." "But I guess I'd be thin too if" "All I ever ate was [bleep]." "[laughter]" "But I love this about you." "I really do." "Ellen barkin, wow!" "I thought you were dead!" "[laughter]" "Sweet!" "So glad to see you." "But I said I wanted that butchy" "Blond named ellen, I meant" "Degeneres." "Carrie fisher, the literary" "Voice of a generation." "I'm your biggest fan." "What a career you've had." "Actress, writer, drug mule." "[laughter]" "Seth green, I don't want to" "Overlook you, which is easy for" "Anyone over 5 feet tall." "Jan lynch has vibrators bigger" "Than you, seth." "She can use it." "The only difference is, they" "Can give a woman an orgasm." "[laughter]" "Wayne brady, you have" "Single-handedly redefined improv" "By scripting it." "[laughter]" "You can do anything with an" "Audience suggestion." "Here's one for you." "Get the [bleep] off the stage." "[laughter]" "Y schumer, thanks for" "Reinforcing the stereotype that" "Women ain't funny." "Actually, I just loved your" "Set." "I think you're [bleep]great." "I loved it." "Amy schumer." "[laughter]" "An tony jeselnik." "You know the different between" "Anthony and a gay porn actor," "Judging but your looks and how" "Much you sucked tonight, none." "[laughter]" "Jeff ross." "Jeff ross is the third-rate" "Comedians to what kim kardshian" "Is to no-talent fame whores." "Hero!" "[applause]" "Gilbert gottfried." "You know, the difrence between" "Gilbert's voice and a sandpaper" "Dildo?" "Do you?" "[laughter]" "After 20 minutes, you might" "Start enjoying the dildo." "[lahter]" "And hence the difference." "And last but not least, tom" "Arnold." "I'd really like to thank tom for" "Showing uptonight." "It was very brave." "And he was very funny." "But jesus christ, ow much [bleep] jobs do I have to get" "For that guy?" "This night has been one of the" "Greatest nights of my life." "That's not saying shit for my" "Life." "[laughter]" "No but it was a blast, you" "Guys." "Thanks to the audience, too." "Laughing." "There's nothing better than a" "Good laugh." "Nothing on earth." "And here is the teachabl moment" "Tonight." "If I can bury my royaling" "Boiling creaseless hatred for" "The likes of tomarnold, maybe" "There's a chance that we can" "Have world peace, ladies and" "Gentlemen." "[cheers  applause]" "But the truth is, I would gladly" "Give up even that dream if I" "Could just sing." "[cheers  applause]" "ｶ o'er the land of the free ｶ" "[cheers  applause]" "ｶ and the home of the brave ｶ [cheers  applause]"