"Alpa Chino!" "We're loaded" "I love the pussy, hell, yeah" "I love the pussy, hell, yeah" "I love that pussy dripping down to the floor, oh, no" "The wettest pussy, hell, yeah I love the pussy, hell, yeah" "I'm drinking up your Booty Sweat and busting a nut" "Alpa Chino got that pussy control" "Alpa Chino's Booty Sweat." "Pop an ass open!" "Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars available at concessions now." "In 2013, when the Earth's rotation came to a halt..." "The President has declared all of North America a disaster area." "I call on my fellow Americans to come together  the world called on the one man who could make a difference." "When it happened again, the world called on him once more." "And no one saw it coming three more times!" "Now, the one man who made a difference five times before," "is about to make a difference again." "Only this time, it's different." "Who left the fridge open?" "Tugg Speedman." "Scorcher Vl:" "Global Meltdown." "Here we go again." "Again." "Will there be anything else?" "Yes, my dear man." "More beans." "Granny!" "Please!" "This summer, America's favorite obese family is back." "Gross!" " You're just mad 'cause I'm skinny." " Am not!" "Jeff Portnoy." "Jeff Portnoy." "Jeff Portnoy." "And Jeff Portnoy are The Fatties:" "Fart Two." "In some countries, it's considered a compliment." "Letting loose this summer." "In a time where to be different was to be condemned," "and to be condemned was to die," "one man chose to question his God." "From Fox Searchlight," "five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire." "Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's coveted Crying Monkey Award," "Satan's Alley." "I've been a bad, bad boy, Father." "In the winter of 1969, an elite force of the U.S. Army was sent on a top-secret assignment in southeast Vietnam." "The objective, rescue Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp." "The mission was considered to be near suicide." "Of the 10 men sent, four returned." "Of those four, three wrote books about what happened." "Of those three, two were published." "Of those two, just one got a movie deal." "This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie." "Whiskey Fire Old Snake requests an LZ prep at Alpha-Delta-two-four-eight-niner, over." "Floyd, this is lead." "Right echelon approach from RP to LZ, acknowledge." "Floyd, Wall-Eye airborne." "Welcome aboard." "All right, lead's going in." "Give her some cover." "Delivery on five." "I repeat, delivery on five." "This is Zero-Three." "I'm on your six, don't worry." "Chalk-Three's taking fire." "Guns right, guns right." "Lay that shit down!" "Come on!" "Come on, you damn dirty heathens!" "Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye, this is Boomer One-Seven in the Zee!" "I need fast movers on my Yankee Smoke, copy?" "Boomer, this is Wall-Eye." "I got two-Alpha-four" " snake and nape on the ready!" " Oh, Jesus!" "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "Get on that horn and get some firepower, boy!" "Jesus Christ!" "Listen, you cherry fuck, you call in that snake and nape and get us some boom-boom now!" "I'd do it myself but I'm kind of goddamn busy!" "I need an answer, Boomer!" "Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye!" "I copy!" "What the fuck?" "That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker!" "I think I can put it back in!" "This is the last Christmas I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass!" "Want some?" "Get some!" "Hey, yo, Fats!" "I ain't seen Four Leaf!" "Don't count him out!" "That bastard's got luck tattooed to his ass!" "Motown, get your Detroit jukebox Jheri curl ass in this chickenshit chop-chop!" "ASAFP!" "Four Leaf is still outside the perimeter, Sarge!" "Miss me with that cracker chump jive!" "We di di mau!" "We di di mau!" "Come on, get down, get down!" "What am I looking at?" "What is this?" "Come on, let's get, let's go!" "Come on, elevator up, up!" "Sarge." "It's Four Leaf." "No!" "Survive!" "Cover me, you limp dick fuckups!" "Peek-a-boo!" "I see you!" "Hold on, Four Leaf!" "Oh, shit!" "Watch my right!" "Come on, Leaf, let's boogie!" "No!" "No!" " Fats!" " Holy fuck!" "Take us over to those men!" "Shit!" "Look at you, man." "Playing with grenades." "I'm cold, Linc." "I can't feel my legs." "Ain't nothing but a thang." "Hold my hands, 'cause I got something to..." "I got something to say." "Oh, boy." "When we get back to the world," "I'm gonna finally teach you how to juggle." "I ain't never been worth a nothing in this life, but I want you to know something." "What, man?" "You are my..." "You are my brother." "You are my brother." "You are my..." "You are my..." "I am your brother." "I'm sorry." "Could we cut?" " What's he saying?" " Damien, can we cut?" " No." "No, no, no, no, no..." " All right, you know what?" "We got the jets coming in, big explosion, two minutes." "Still rolling." "You know what?" "No, not still rolling." "Can we cut?" " We're cutting." " No, we're not." "Get out!" "Hey, what's going on?" "For real, my butt is hurting!" "This harness is riding up my crack!" " Damien, are we cutting?" " No!" "No!" "Still rolling!" "Mr. Cockburn!" "Are we cutting, sir?" "No!" "No." "I'm not cutting!" "We're still rolling!" "Damien, what's the dealy, dude?" "Are we gonna blow this tree line or what?" "Tuk Tuk and Kim got the blue balls here." "I'm gonna let them squirt if we're a go!" " Play it through." "Still rolling!" " Dieter, can he hear me?" "That's C-4, dipshit." "Put that back." "I said a detonator." "I need some dudes up here who speak American, God damn it!" "He's making a fucking sweater back here." "I'm trying to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts." "Oh, shit!" "Alpa Chino hotline." "What's up?" "What's up, baby?" "What the fuck is going on here?" "Everyone, please shut up." "The jets are coming in." "We only have one chance at this!" "On three, baby." "One, two, breathe." "Look, do me a favor." "I don't want to do a countdown before I do the scene." " No countdown?" " No countdown." " Okay." " Can we just do it off of "Action"?" "Just..." "In your own time." " Good..." " I'm not a rocket ship, okay?" " All right, dude." " And action!" "Whatever floats your boat, baby." "Fuck!" "Don't die!" "Erika, get me a VitaminWater!" "You know what it is, Damien?" "I'm sorry." "Not to get into his thing, but if I'm crying, should Osiris be crying, too?" " No, it's everyone cry..." " We cutting or we crying?" " No, no, no, we're crying!" " Just call it, man!" " Kirk, you can cry." "Tugg, you can cry." " Thanks!" " Everybody cry..." " You know what?" " You see how agitated he is now?" " I know." " Let's make lemonade." "Let's go to work." " Okay." "Still rolling!" "This is Falcon One." "We have the ridge in sight, approximately two miles out." "Dieter, these jets are about to crest this ridge line." "They got about 200 pounds of shit your pants." "I need to know if we're ready to go." " You're my..." "You're my..." " I am your..." "See, that's what I think it is, Damien." "I think it's the line." "Yeah?" "I don't know if Four Leaf would say that..." "Four Leaf?" "Were you crying when your hands blew up?" "No." "See, he didn't." "Yeah, I mean, just that's what..." "So now we in re-writes, right?" " Where you going?" " Let's re-write it!" "Action Jackson can't cry." "That's what's going down." "You know what, Kirk?" "I'm ready to do the scene!" "What scene?" "The scene is about emotionality." "Where is it?" " Now it's time to flip the script!" " Kirk..." "Be here till Chinese New Year waiting for my man to cry." "Here they come!" " Kirk, no!" " Stop tailgating me, you pasty teabag!" "Can I make pee-pee?" " The planes are inbound!" " I know!" "Oh, shit!" "Get the fruit..." "Jesus!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Cocksucking!" " That's the signal!" "Go, go, go, go, go!" " Tropic tits!" "Goddamn shit-picking cock!" "It's beautiful!" "Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!" "Hot!" "Hot, hot, hot, hot!" "Fuck!" " Sweet." " Oh, mama!" "Let me down!" "Bungle in the jungle." "More bad news from the Vietnamese set of Tropic Thunder, where a $4 million explosion charred the Asian location and the camera wasn't even rolling." "Financed by hotheaded mega-mogul Les Grossman, the film is already rumored to be one month behind schedule just five days into shooting." "The reason?" "Fingers are pointed at rookie director Damien Cockburn, who, insiders say, can't control a star-studded cast, including flatulent star of the popular Fatties franchise, Jeff Portnoy." "Let me tell you something." "A lot of people are disrespecting me." "They say that the movie's just about farts." "It's about family, and... you!" "You can't do what I do." "Fresh from his most recent arrest for heroin, glue and crack possession," "Portnoy was almost uninsurable." "Also in the mix is Booty Sweat-hocking hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino." "I'm so excited, you know what I'm saying, about doing Tropic Thunder." "Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby." "Drink Booty Sweat." "But the real heavyweight on the set is five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus." "The brilliant Australian known for his bad boy antics off-screen is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays." "Well, being an actor is no different" "Well, being an actor is no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion." "Lazarus underwent a controversial pigmentation alteration procedure in order to play the platoon's African-American sergeant, Lincoln Osiris." "Yeah!" "Trying to hold his own onscreen with Kirk is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman." "Once the highest grossing star in the world, lately his Scorcher films have lost their heat." "Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra." "You have no real family." "You're on the wrong side of 40." "You're childless and alone." "Somebody close to you said," ""One more flop and it's over."" "Somebody said they were close to me?" "It's been a tough year for Tugg." "The disappointing buddy comedy Chitlin'  the Dude was followed by an ill-advised venture into serious dramatic territory." "Simple Jack, the story of a mentally impaired farmhand who can talk to animals, was a box office disaster that many critics called, "One of the worst movies of all time."" "I ain't got a good brain." "I think you've got a fine brain, Jack." "You make me happy." "But now the question is, can Speedman make audiences happy in what's being called the most expensive" " war movie never made?" " Rick Peck." "Wishing Tugg all the best on that one." "Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it's the Pecker." "You got time for your agent?" " Rick?" " Hey, buddy, guess who I'm staring at right now." " What?" " I'm looking at your ugly mug on the back cover of Vanity Fair magazine, holding a cute, cuddly panda from Cutesville." "It is insane, bro." "You are a rock star." "Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent?" "From Rick." "Yeah." "Yeah." "It's cool, man." "Thanks." "All right, that is a real satellite phone, bro." "Do not re-gift." "Hey." "You see that Access Hollywood piece?" "Yeah, I did." "It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid." "I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Tugg." "You are a huge star, all right?" "But right now, you're like that kid on the playground, you know, the one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with?" " What do you mean?" " I mean we gotta shave your head and get you back on the monkey bars, right?" "What?" "How did the crying scene go?" "Horrible." "Lazarus started crying." "Then he starts drooling and dribbling, and it wasn't even in the script..." "Stop right there!" "You gotta buck up here, Tuggboat." "Who cares how much more talented he may be than you?" "If he cries, you cry harder, man." "Didn't your dog have, like, leukemia or something when you were a kid?" "I mean, think of that." "Boom!" "End of story." "They hook up the TiVo yet?" " No." " What?" "They have digital cable, but, I mean, it's okay." "No, no, no." "Come on, man." "It's not okay." "It is not okay, Tugg!" "And you don't need to explain to me why you need TiVo or clean water, clean sheets, food, shelter." "I mean, I fought for that in your contract." "How's the adoption thing coming, buddy?" "Not too great." "Well, at least you get to choose yours." "I'm stuck with mine." "Tell you what, get back to work, genius soldier." "The Pecker's on a TiVo mission for the Y-O-U." "Work on those tears, my man." "All right." "Yeah." "Say it for me one time." " You make me happy." " Make me happy." " I love you, buddy." " All right, bye." "Crisis meeting?" "What does that mean, exactly?" "I mean, are we in a crisis?" "He's the head of the studio." "He's reaching out." "We're 10,000 miles away." "He just wants a little face-time." "I know, it's just you said that he called it a crisis meeting." "So..." "It's Les Grossman." "He throws these words around." ""Crisis," "explosion," "not rolling," "fired."" "These are just words." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Keep a secret?" "A camera truck in London just plowed into Judi Dench." "Trust me, he's got bigger problems." "Look, he may be able to see me, but I can't see him." " Move!" "Move!" "Hello, Les!" "Hello!" " Get your ass out of my..." " Your feet were on my desk." " Can he see us?" "I don't know why we don't have..." "Get him a Diet Coke." "Les!" "It's working!" "Yeah, whatever you're doing right there." "Hello, Les!" " Hello, Les!" " Okay." "We got you loud and clear here, Les." "I see you." "I see you." "I see you." "Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?" "That's me, sir." "It's good to finally meet you at last, get some face-time." "And who here is the key grip?" "You?" "You." "Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard." "Sorry, man." "This is your fault, you limey fuck!" "You shit the money-bed, my friend." "Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas!" "Clowns!" "Tugg Speedman, he can't cry!" "He can't cry!" "You know how you handle an actor?" "They whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass." " You spank that ass, Les." " What?" "Spanking a child turns him into a little snot." "Fear makes him a man." "I know a place where a man's worth is measured in the ears hanging from his dog tags." "The real deep shit." "You wanna make this movie right?" "That's where you take your pansy-ass actors." "Who is this guy?" "Les, that's Four Leaf." "Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback." "I wrote the book." "You're a great American." "This nation owes you a huge debt." "Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job!" " Look, Cockburn." " Yes." "From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring." "Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down." "Diet Coke!" "When the herd loses its way, the shepherd must kill the bull that leads them astray." " Four Leaf?" " Come on over." "It's okay." " Sit down." " Yes." " So, you don't like the hotel?" " Beds give me nightmares." "I'm guessing right about now you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way." "What?" "I put my story in your limp Brit hands, and you are not going to fail me." "You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting?" "You must put those boys in the shit." "What?" "I don't understand." " You wanna make your movie or not?" " Yes, I do." "All right, you get some of those little video type cameras." "We take them out there, and we put them in the trees in different angles." "Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody all the smoke bombs, charges, explosives, detonators you got." "Then we take those boys up there, me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle, so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants and screaming for their mammies." "They'd be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home." "I could do it." "I could shoot the whole thing guerrilla style." "Gritty, dirty." "Get them away from their helpers and ass-licking assistants." "Put them in the real shit." " Real shit." " With real fear in their eyes!" "Real fear, real emotion!" "Yes, Four Leaf, yes!" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Yes!" "Yes!" "Take them off the fucking grid!" "You are no longer actors in a movie!" "You are five men in a helicopter!" "With three other men!" "How long are we gonna be gone, anyways?" "'Cause I left most of my vitamins back at the hotel." " Save your breath, maggots!" " That's right, maggots!" "Go, go, go!" "Get out of the chopper!" "Move it, maggots, move!" "Move, grunts, move your ass!" "Get out, you wriggly worms!" " It's up too high!" " Move, move, move!" "See you in hell!" "This is bullshit!" "I gotta at least call my fucking assistant." "Fucking!" "Jesus!" "Dude!" "You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy V.C." "Congratulations, Fats." "You just got us all killed." "Anybody else care to give away our position to Charlie?" "Cell phones!" "What the hell, Damien?" "Weren't no cell phones in '69, man." "I'm head-to-toe legitimate." "Gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news." "The studio wants to shut us down." "That's the bad news." "And the good news." "If you wanna save this movie, you will become a unit." "Your objective is to head north to the D'ang Kwook River and liberate the POW camp, at which point Four Leaf will get himself captured, at which point you will rescue him, at which point we will chopper you home!" "Damn." "Four Leaf, since you're the staff sergeant, there's the map, this is the scene list." "Think you can handle it?" "We have rigged this entire valley of death with hidden cameras." "And I will be shooting as well, from unseen vantage points, so that every glorious moment is captured on film." "And believe me, gentlemen, it will be glorious." "If it looks real, chances are it probably is." "You wanted to be actors." "You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being." "Well, get ready to occupy the skin of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt, surrounded by death, crawling up Satan's bottom." "There'll be ambushes, enemy fire, your own little personal slice of 'Nam." "This radio goes to the chopper and the chopper only." "The chopper is God, and I am Jesus Christ, his son." "You are my chosen disciples." "And no one gets to go home till we get the shots." "Put on your war faces, gentlemen." "Now, let's go and make the greatest war movie ever!" " Yeah!" " All right!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Not bad, Cockburn!" "Not bad." "Wherever you are!" "Wherever he is?" "Looks like he's all over the place." "Here we go." "Must be an old French mine." "It's a remnant from colonial Indo-China." "This jungle must be full of them." "Don't you get it?" "He's messing with our heads." "That's what all that playing God stuff was about." "He's trying to get us to act good, save the movie." "He ain't playing God." "He's being judged by him." "That's our objective." "Complete the mission." "No offense, Kirk, I know you're the big fancy actor here, but I've done a lot more effects-driven event films than you." "Okay?" "And I think I can spot a prop head when I see one." "Oh, Jesus." "It's corn syrup, guys." "Corn syrup and latex." "Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup." "Oh, God." "Smoke and mirrors, guys." "Welcome to the movie factory." "Oldest trick in the book." "He getting down now." "Oh, my God!" "Whoa, look at me!" "You're going to get the shots, and I'm going to make sure because I'm the director." "I'm from London." "I direct plays." "Hey, Damien!" "We got our war faces on!" "Look, I'm Dave Beckham." "So, we gotta light these boys up today, huh?" "Blow some sense into these young men." "Hey, I don't want to come off as weird or anything, but I might be your biggest fan." "Yeah." "Tropic Thunder." "Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye." "Yeah, I've never been in the military, per se, but I have lost an appendage in the line of duty." "Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig." "Yeah." "It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there." "What is it?" "I don't know what it's called." "I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life." "Okay." "Damien, we're go for explosion." "Ready to kick the tires and light the fires on your say-so." "Damien, we're go for explosion." "Do you copy?" "I got an itchy trigger finger here, and I'm ready to blow some shit up." "All right, you happy now?" "Can we do the scene?" "Or do you need a formal invitation?" "Come on, let's go!" "Here." "Okay." ""Scene 12, exterior, jungle clearing, day, ambush." ""Four Leaf notices movement in the brush." ""A dozen guerrilla fighters can be seen moving in the tree line." ""Somewhere a mine explodes." And you." ""I got a bad feeling on this one."" " Yeah." " No, that's your line." " I got..." "Now?" " Yeah, but scared." "Like, scared." " "I got a bad feeling on this one."" " Dude, wait, like how?" ""I got a bad feeling on this one."" " Okay." " Action." "Go, come on." "I got a bad feeling on this one there, Fats." "Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doing is paying my 2 bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama-san's dinky dau poontang." "Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged before he get any cooch." "He die, he probably die a coochless motherfucker." "Zip it, Motown." "Man, I'm thirsty." "Might as well have some of this Booty Sweat I got back in Danang." "Yo, asshole!" "This motherfucker's dead!" "Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak," "David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here!" "Hey!" "You wanna get on the train here, or do you wanna ruin another take?" "There ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!" " You sure?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" " For certain, man." "Then why are you still in character?" "I know, but I don't have to tell you." "You don't know." "Man, I don't drop character till I done a DVD commentary." "You happy now?" "We're out of position for the effects!" "Get down, fool!" "Didn't anyone read the script?" "This is the ambush!" " This feels pretty real!" " Exactly!" "Let's use it." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Eat lead!" "They're busting caps like a motherfucker down there." "This is FUBAR." "I say we juice them." " What do you think?" " Juice them." "Fuck you, Charlie!" "Big-ass titties!" "Look at that, huh?" "And cut!" "That's the trailer right there." "Yeah!" " What do we do now?" " Yeah." "North." "Man said to head north." " Did you see me shooting?" " That's how we do." "Good work, baby." "I believed it." "D'ang Kwook River." "I'm betting he's got more of these battles and Viet Congs rigged for us along the way." "Sergeant Osiris, get your men." "Load and lock." "Real, baby, I'm real." "Let's go!" "We got a lot of klicks to cover!" "Hump it up, gentlemen!" "Single formation." "Don't dawdle now!" "D-Rod, D-Rod, this is Puddingface." "How are we coming on that hotplate?" "Something's up." "I think we better drag ass back there." "Make sure Damien ain't forgot how to use his talkbox again." "Yeah, baby, come on." "Just a little taste." " What are you doing, Jeff?" " Fucking..." "Nothing, man!" " I'm eating jellybeans." " Wow, I love jellybeans." "Can I please..." "No, you can't have any fucking jellybeans." "They're mine." "You think you're the only one who gets sick when he doesn't have his jellybeans?" "Boundaries, man." "Fuck." "Hey." "I didn't mean to show you up back there." "It's just, I feel like we really need to set the example for the other guys." "It's gonna be tough, but I think Damien's gonna get some great shit out of us." "Just wish I had a director like this on Jack." "On Jack." "What?" "Jack?" "What you talking about?" " Simple Jack." " Oh, yeah." "Simple Jack, yeah." "You went all out on that one, huh?" "You did." "Really swung for the fences, huh?" "Thank you." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know." "I just did the work." "Watched a lot of retarded people." "Spent time with them." "Observed them." "Watched all the retarded stuff they did." "Then again, I always found mere observation in and of itself is a tad rudimentary." "Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt." "Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know." "Yeah, yeah, live it." "Yeah, exactly." "You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded," " like really retarded." " Damn." " Like really retarded." " Damn." "In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb." " To be a moron." " Yeah." " To be moronical." " Exactly, to be a moron." " An imbecile." " Yeah." "Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived." "When I was playing the character." " When you was the character." " Yeah, as Jack, definitely." "Jack, stupid ass Jack." "By the end of the whole thing, I was like," ""Wait a minute, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?"" " It's just like..." "Right?" " Yeah." "You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off." "Yeah." "I mean, it was really quite a..." "It was crazy." "It's like working with mercury." "It's high science, man." "It's an art form." " Yeah." " You an artist." " That's what we do, right?" "Yeah." " Yeah." "Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit." " About what?" " You're serious?" "You don't know?" "Everybody knows you never go full retard." " What do you mean?" " Check it out." "Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded." "Count toothpicks, cheat at cards." "Autistic, sure." "Not retarded." "Then you got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump." "Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs." "But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a Ping-Pong competition." "That ain't retarded." "Peter Sellers, Being There." "Infantile, yes." "Retarded, no." "You went full retard, man." "Never go full retard." "You don't buy that?" "Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam." "Remember?" "Went full retard?" "Went home empty-handed." "Oh, my God!" "Holy shit!" "Good job, turd." "You killed the director." "No, that's impossible, man." "I rigged the whole tree line, and this is here." " He must have missed his mark." " Missed his mark?" "Yeah, this isn't me." "Come on, let's bag and tag the bastard and get back to the hotel." " You're in a world of hurt, dumbo!" " We're in a world of hurt!" " You're in trouble." " This isn't just on me!" " We're in a..." "We're together on this." " Bullshit." "You're just gonna run away." "You're gonna leave." "What happened to, "No man left behind," okay?" "Just wait, just wait!" "Listen!" "Listen, okay?" " I don't wanna hear it." " Let me just be real with you, all right?" "I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on Freaky Friday, okay?" "This shit will fucking ruin me!" " Just get off me!" "You're pathetic." " No, I'm not." " Get off me!" " You are not going back!" " What the fuck?" " Now wait a minute." "I fucking hate movies." "This is bullshit." "I don't wanna be in this shitty movie." "No!" "That's my jellybeans!" "No!" "Kid, grab the bat!" "Please!" "Shit!" " Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut." " You go to hell!" "There he is." "God damn it!" "Okay." "Where'd he go?" "You little piece of shit!" "I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!" "Sanducci." "Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low." "I don't really gotta piss." "I'm trying to talk at you, man." "Bait, I need bait." "You went to boot camp, right?" "You can read a map?" "Yeah, I think so." "I know Speedman got everyone convinced we out here making Planet of the Apes on YouTube or some shit, but I don't buy it." "You wanna step on a real landmine?" "You wanna die?" "You wanna get shot by a real motherfucker?" " Keep looking ahead, man." " No, of course not." "If I can put that map in your hands, can I count you in?" " Well, yeah, I guess you can." " Dynamite." "I'm out." "That smelled just like bologna for some reason." "Is anyone gonna fucking help me get this fucking thing?" "Why are they even out in the daytime?" "I'm gonna level with you, bro." "I don't need to pee." "I need to talk to you." "Lazarus is gonna torpedo the movie." "He's way out on a limb with this character, and I think he's getting cold feet." " I need you on my side, Kyle." " It's Kevin." "Good." "Can I count on you?" "Yeah." "If you want I could give the map a look-see." " I'll handle the map." " Okay." "You stick with the program, we get this movie in the can," "I'm thinking there could be a Teen Choice Award in it for you." "You have that potential." "They'll slime you, the whole deal." " Yeah, that's wicked." " Good." "There it is!" "Yeah, now you're dead!" "You O.D.'d!" "Hold up now, Jeff." "Fucking hell!" "What the hell, Jeff?" "That's a bat, man!" "I don't have any more jellybeans." "You land there!" "Wow." "Look at these ruins." " Where the hell are we?" " D'ang Kwook River." "That so?" "How do you know that?" "How you sure?" "Only one way to find out, dude." "Let's go." "Yeah." "I'm not feeling so good right now." "Seriously, my skin hurts!" "Enough from the peanut gallery!" "Into the water, ladies!" "No, man." "Let me take a look at that map right quick." "Why is everybody all obsessed with the map?" "'Cause we're tired of being your trail donkeys!" "Acting like you some one-man GPS!" "God damn it!" "We lost!" "We fucking super lost, man!" "Tell him, McClusky." "Tell him what time it is." "I don't believe you people." "What do you mean "you people"?" "What do you mean, "you people"?" "I think what Tugg means is..." "No, look at his eyes, man." "...you people, you actors." "You people..." " Look at them beady, white devil eyes." "I gotta get back to the hotel, for real!" " Hell, no!" " Silence!" "Chill!" "All right?" "Just chill it." "Now, let's go get those Viet Congs." " "Viet Cong"!" " What?" "It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S." It's already plural." "You wouldn't say "Chineses."" "All right, that's enough of this insubordination!" "If the machine breaks down, we break down." "Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?" " Yeah." " That's kind of how you look right now." " Yeah?" " Not Rambo I but II." " Really?" " Yeah, when he was cut up." "I'm not that..." "I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know..." "Come on, dude." "You more shredded than a julienne salad, man." " Thanks." " What's the secret, dude?" " It's a diet." "I'm just dieting." " Really?" "'Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just..." "It's tough." " You look good." " Any tips?" " What?" " Any tips, you got?" "There's, like, the pineapple..." " Give me that goddamn map!" "Fuck you!" " Hey!" " Hey!" " All right, now!" "What it is, Sikorski?" "Tell us where we really at." "That's fucking bullshit!" "It's a chump move." "We just getting a second opinion, doc." "We're going the wrong way!" " Damn!" " Son of a bitch." "God!" "I think we were supposed to be doing this, and instead we did this." "Shit, shit, shit, shitty shit, shit!" "Think you can get us back to that drop zone, boy?" "This is not cool!" "Maybe." "This is insane!" "Are you really going to abandon this movie?" "We're supposed to be a unit!" "Suck my unit!" "All right, fine." " I'll finish it by myself." " You go be all you can be, man." "Tugg, you have no idea where you're going!" "Yes, I do!" "I'm going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk." ""Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks alone through a frightening jungle."" "Suck on that unit, Kirk!" "Come on, men." "Let's get home." "Hello, Mr. Mantis." "You're beautiful." "Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray Disc, others backing HD DVD." "People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they're pretty much the same." "What it came down to was a combination of gamers and porn." "Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the most successful." "But, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it." "You talking to me this whole time?" "I was talking to whoever was listening to me." "Jesus Christ, man!" "Booty Sweat." "Oh, God!" "It's cold!" "It's freezing." "I'm fucking cold." "You want my flak jacket?" "You want my flak jacket?" "What, are you insane?" "It's boiling!" "It's like a sweat lodge out here!" "Keep the volume down on that bitching, Flatch Adams." "I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!" " How we doing?" "We making good time?" " We're making good time, but there's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown." "All right, fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up!" " Oh, God." " Y'all might be in for a treat." "You know, back before the war broked out," "I was a saucier in San Antone." "I bet I could collar up some of them greens." "Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy, yo." "And maybe some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear?" "Hell, yeah!" "Hell, yeah!" "That's how we all talk." "We all talk like this, suh!" "Yes, suh." "Yeah, get some crawfish and some ribs." "You're Australian!" "Be Australian!" "Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack." "I get excited about my foods, man." "Die!" "No!" "Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here?" "Where are we?" "I have no idea." "I've never been outside the States." "Wait, what?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?" "Dude, were you even in the fucking service?" "Yes." "Of course." "Coast Guard." " Coast Guard." " Sanitation Department." "Oh, my God!" "You're a fucking garbage man!" "Damn it." "F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A." "I wrote the book as a tribute!" "I'm a patriot!" "Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay?" "You lied about fighting the Vietnam War." "It's like punching the American flag in the face, God damn it." "God, and to think I believed in you!" " I don't wanna be next to you." " Writers lie all the time." "Can I be tied to another post?" "Okay." " Rick?" " Tugg." "I killed one, Rick." "The thing I love most in the world." "Vivica, get off the line now!" "A hooker." "All right, you killed a hooker." "Calm down." "Here's what you're gonna do." "Get your hands on some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide and a shitload of lime." "No, a panda." "I killed a panda." "Amanda?" "Come on, dude." "I mean, that's probably not even her real name." "No, a panda!" "A panda?" "A sweet, cuddly, vicious little panda." "Jesus Christ, Tugg!" "Man, don't scare me like that!" "It's beautiful here." "You on the set?" "I am the set." "All right, man." "Hey, how's the TiVo working out?" "Screw TiVo." "I'm way beyond TiVo." "Last I checked, they hadn't hooked it up, though." "Hadn't hooked it up?" "No TiVo?" "It doesn't matter anymore." "I've moved on." "Where have you moved on to?" "Another agency?" "Hey, who is with you?" "You are still my client, Tugg Speedman!" "I am getting the TiVo!" "Jacket's on, I'm out the door!" "Tugg?" "Please don't fire me." "Oh, mama." "Thirsty." "He doesn't look too good." "Must drink, so I can throw something up!" "No, no." "Don't drink that water!" "That water's like a petri dish!" "No, don't!" "Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?" "Yeah, get him chugging on some of Alpa's ass water." "That'll bring him around." "It's a cure-all." "Man, what you coming out in movies for anyway?" "Did you need another revenue stream?" "For your information, my revenue stream currently generates $2 million a year in charitable contributions for my community." " Hot damn." " And why am I in this movie?" "Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee." "Pump your brakes, kid." "That man is a national treasure." "I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your barbie." "That shit ain't funny." "Hey, fellas!" "It's hot!" "We're tired!" "It stinks!" "I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack!" "I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby." "You know that's a true story?" "Lady lost her kid." " You about to cross some fucking lines." " Guys, relax and stuff." "You know what?" "Fuck that, man!" "I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger telling me..." "For 400 years, that word has kept us down." "What the fuck?" "It took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill." "Now we up in the big leagues, getting our turn at bat." "Long as we live, it's you and me, baby." "That's the theme song for The Jeffersons." "You really need help." "Yeah." "Just 'cause it's the theme song, don't make it not true." "You know what?" "I'm gonna tell you what's true." "I'm gonna tag you back." "You better believe that, baby." "Guys!" "Hey, guys!" "Jeff, stay away from that animal." "I'm gonna bite his hide." "I need..." "I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard." "Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body!" "Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!" "We got ground to cover!" "All right, POW camp, scene 67." "Bring it on, Cockburn!" "My body may be shackled, but my mind wanders free." "Wait, wait, wait, let me do the line again." "Let me do the line again." "My body may be shackled, but my mind wanders free." "Good, again." "Again." "Good, good." "Now let's do the torture scene." "I see moss on both sides of that tree." "Well, you know, maybe if I wasn't the only one at boot camp..." "My belly really hurts, you guys!" "I'm not joking around, I'm nauseous." "Let me off, I gotta puke!" "I don't wanna die like Hendrix!" "All right." "All right." "Are you okay, Jeff?" "I'm awesome." "Holy shit!" "Okay." "Everyone, down, down, down." "Man." "Now I'm tripping." "That looks like the POW camp from out the script, yo." "Speedman was right?" "I don't think so." "Look at the cooking vats, the armed guards." "Looks like a heroin processing plant." "We were in that chopper for hours." "I don't even think we're in Vietnam anymore." " Fuck." " Shit." "We ain't even in 'Nam?" "No, most likely Myanmar or Laos." "What the fuck is Laos?" "It's the Golden Triangle." "The world's hard drug superhighway." "And how do you know about that?" "It was a really long trip." "I read the in-flight magazine." "Cut!" "Oh, Jesus!" "What do you see, man?" "I'm blocked." "Damien, cut!" "Hey, Damien, cut!" "They got Speedman." "And it doesn't look good." "I am Tran." "You are a trespasser in my poppy fields." "You are D.E.A. Scum!" "Were there some re-writes that I missed?" "Do you want to die?" " Do you?" " No!" "Please, don't hurt me!" "Say that again." "Please, don't hurt me." "No!" "Like you did before!" "Say it!" "Say it!" "Please, don't hurt me!" " What?" " You are Simple Jack." "You saw Simple Jack?" "We love the tale of this man, Simple Jack." "We do not have many luxury here." "And Simple Jack is the only movie we possess." "You got the VHS." "We've watched it many, many times." "You should've got Oscar." "Well, you know." "It's..." "Just to be nominated..." "You were nominated?" "No, no, no." "I wasn't nominated." "I'm just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice." "It's just..." "It's very political." "You have to take out ads..." " Shut up now!" " Okay." "Okay." "So, are you going to let me go, or..." "No." "We'll hold you for ransom." "Much more money now!" "He's in a meeting." "Yeah, I know." "In about two seconds with the Pecker." "I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off." "You wanna talk about trouble?" "That's trouble." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What do you need, Peck?" "No, more like what do you need, Les?" "Glasses?" "What?" "So you can read the Tropic Thunder contract that guarantees my client, Tugg Speedman, some form of digital video recorder on location." " Huh?" " I can't believe you let him in." "Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy, so why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass?" "No, not you, Helen." "But I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theaters." "Perfect." "Hey, Tuggernuts, I've got you on speakerphone." "I'm standing here with Les Grossman, and he is dying to tell you why he's apparently wiped his ass with the TiVo clause from your contract." "We are Flaming Dragon." "Speedman is with us now." "For 50 million, you will get him back." " Are you gonna get those..." " Who is this?" " And how did you get this phone?" " We are Flaming Dragon!" "Simple Jack belong to us now." "He does, does he?" "Let me tell you something, shitbird." "I've never even heard of your little agency." "But if you think you can poach my client..." "Send $50 million, or you no see Simple Jack again because we kill him." "This is Les Grossman." "Who is this?" "This is Flaming Dragon!" "Okay." "Flaming Dragon." "Fuckface." "First, take a big step back and literally fuck your own face!" "Now, I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory." "So whatever you're thinking, you better think again." "Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there, and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you." "You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you." "I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker!" "I will massacre you!" "I will fuck you up!" " Could you find out who that was?" "Go." " Yeah." "Yeah." "You wear these." "More like Simple Jack teeth." "Okay." "Hey." "Look, I know you're a big fan, and that's great..." "Put teeth in!" "Now do movie." "The whole movie?" "I can't." "I don't know the whole..." "You perform!" "You perform or die!" "Monkey swine!" "Pa." "More stupid!" "Pa, why you gotta make me feel bad?" "You saw what I saw." "Tugg Speedman is dead meat if we don't do something soon." "Yeah." "We could do something by getting our asses back to the hotel, which is in the other direction!" "Ain't right." "What would've happened in The Great Escape if Steve McQueen and them dudes had turned tail and ran?" "Well, that's what that movie was about." "They were escaping." "They ran away." "I'm trying to agree with you." "The point is they did something." "Then what are we supposed to do, huh?" "'Cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets." "Yeah, that's a plan." "I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I got an idea." "This might be a little crazy." "Crazy's better than nothing." "Back in '98, I did a low-budget titty comedy for Skinemax." " Sex Camp." "Remember it?" " Yeah." "Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp had to break into the rich girl camp." "So, what we did, we built a catapult out of logs and underwear, and they shot us over the wall, and we parachuted down." "Look," " you guys, we already know the plan." " Fine." "We do it just like in the book, Chapter 26, the Wet Offensive." "The book of Tropic Thunder." "Yeah, did you guys read the book?" "The flap, I read the back flap and saw the pictures." "Well, it's okay." "It's exactly the same as in the script." "Cool." "You guys all read the script, right?" "I don't read the script, script reads me." "What the hell does that even mean?" "What you getting at with the books, scripts?" "Spit that shit out, man!" "All right." "The Wet Offensive." "Osiris and Fats go undercover as a diversion." "Motown and Brooklyn sneak in via the river." "Yeah." "But those dudes was trained soldiers." "Yeah!" "And we trained actors, motherfucker." "Time to man up." "And I ain't gonna sugarcoat." "Some of us might not even make it back." "What do you mean?" "Like not on the same flight?" "Alpa and I's already wearing earth mama's natural night camo." " Cool it, Benson." " Sorry." "We gonna scout, get a plan together." "We ain't back in 20, come looking." "We are Flaming Dragon." "Okay." "Flaming Dragon's a heroin manufacturer." "They're responsible for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia." " Huge profit margin." " Guys!" "Would somebody please let me know what the game plan is?" "Peck!" "We have it handled." "Please, don't interrupt." "Everything's under control." "I got it." "Got it." " Les Grossman." " We not get money yet." "Price now 100 million!" "You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack die." "Great." "Let me get this down." "100 million." "Wait!" "I got a better idea." "Instead of 100 million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese?" "Then you kill him!" "Do your thing!" "Skin the fucking bastard!" "Go to town, man!" "Go to town!" " No..." " In the meantime, and as usual, go fuck yourself!" " No." " We don't negotiate with terrorists." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hey, hey, are you insane?" " I think I could've done that better." " I thought it was good." "They're gonna kill him!" "And we'll weep for him, in the press." "Set up a scholarship in his name." "Eventually, and I'm talking way, way down the road, we file an insurance claim." "Preferably before the end of the fiscal year." "Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose." "You can't be serious." "Let's face it." "The kids aren't dressing up as Scorcher for Purim anymore." "Speedman is a dying star, a white dwarf heading for a black hole." "That's physics." "It's inevitable." "We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck." "The universe is talking to us right now." "You just gotta listen." "See, this is the good part, Pecker." "This is when the job gets fun." "Yeah." "Ask and you shall receive." " All right." " You play ball, we play ball." "I know you want the goodies." "Welcome to the goody room." "You paying attention?" "'Cause I'm talking G5 for the Pecker." "That's how you're gonna roll." "No more frequent flier bitch miles for my boy." "Yeah!" "Playa." "Playa!" "Big dick playa." "Swinging past your knees!" "Big dick, baby." "Yep." "Or you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you." "Let me get this straight." "You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a G5?" "Yes." "A G5 airplane?" "Yes." "And lots of money." "Playa." "Yeah!" "Smack it up, flip it, rub it down!" "But Mama take care of Jack a lot." "How many more sleeps before she wakes up again?" "Sorry, Jack." "She in heaven now." "Damn!" "I thought the movie was bad." "She sleep forever." "To the man's credit, he's actually eased up on the retard throttle." "And now that's added a balance, and the audience can connect." "I mean, this is Theater 101, but, you know, he's had a tough road." "He'll become a naturalist." " Yeah." " Break down the aesthetic distance, then the..." "Told you I'd tag you back." "Can I tell you that I'm sorry for any offense I might've caused, man?" " I just got caught up in..." " In being a dumbass?" "I guess so." "Why you still doing this Chicken George shit, I have no idea." " Neither do I." " It's beyond me." " It's beyond me." " You confused." " I am a little confused." " I know." "But are we cool?" "Not really." "Hey, man." " How's it going?" " Good." "Yourself?" "Hey, so, if it's no big deal," "I think I'm just gonna hang back here for the mission." "Watch the stuff." " Is that cool?" " What?" "No!" "We need you, Jeff." "What are you talking about?" "Okay, look, man." " I got something to tell you." " Okay." "You know those jellybeans I was eating?" "Well, they weren't jellybeans, okay?" " They were drugs." " Really?" "I get down there near the mother lode, I am done." "I'm jonesing bad, man." "I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world." "If you guys wanna make it through this thing, you gotta strap me to a tree." " Are you serious?" " Yeah, I'm serious." "Literally, a tree." "And you can, no matter what, you can't fucking untie me until it is done, until it is out of my system." "I'm gonna say, "Hey, man, I'm cool." "It's cool." ""I'm finally better." "I'm finally better." "Untie me."" "Don't listen to me!" "Anything I fucking say is a lie!" "You got it!" "Goodbye, Mama!" "Now you can have ice cream in heaven." "I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed, in my head movies." "But this head movie makes my eyes rain." "Dang." "Gilligan catching a kidney shot." " They got him on the move!" " That's torture, man." "Okay." "That's where they keeping him." "I gotta get cracking on my costume." "Say, are you good with a needle and thread?" "Hell, yeah." "Alpa Chino chinos sold more than five million pairs last spring at the Gap." " I sewed them patterns myself, baby." " Let's roll out." "It's a little twig man Oscar." "I'm going to call you Half Squat." "And you can call me" "Papa." "Wow, look at all those stars." "Really makes a guy feel pretty small." "This could be the last time we look at these stars." "Man, that's beauty." "Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about." "Hey, you guys." "Anybody got some bug spray?" "Don't ignore me!" "Stick it out, man." "We're gonna get through this." " Hey, Kirk?" " Yeah?" "Are you still dating Jennifer Love Hewitt?" "'Cause I think she's hot." "No, that was just some tabloid conjecture." "Hey, guys, I'm good." "I made it through." "You can untie me now." "Funny, huh?" "The circus life 280 days a year on location." "It's hard to find a girl that can hang with that, you know?" "Not one worth keeping, nohow." "Hey, Radar?" "Evans?" "No, it's Kevin." "Kev, whatever the fuck." "Come over here." "I didn't tell you, but Fatties:" "Fart Three is coming down the pike, and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me." "Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out." "Your mother's a cankerous whore!" "Jesus, man." "Hey, man." "Remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore?" "I'm sorry, man." "I did not mean that." "She's not." "How about you, man?" "You got some little minx waiting for you on the other side of tomorrow?" "Me?" "I've barely even had a girlfriend, and..." "I was really hoping I'd get laid when this movie came out, but that's not gonna happen." "What about you, Masterblaster?" "You got a certain someone you trying to get with back in the States?" "What, Alpa Chino?" "He's like 10 girls deep, 24/7." "No." "You missing me, man." "I'm talking about something special." "Big difference." "How about it?" "Yeah." "Yeah, there is." "Well?" "What's the skinny?" "Y'all been on a date or what?" "No." "I mean..." "I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask." "It's..." "It's complicated." "No!" "It's simple as pie, man." "You plant your feet in the ground, you look her square in the eyes, you say," ""Hey, baby, you and me's going on a date." That's the end of story." " What's her name?" " Lance." ""Listen here, Lance..."" "Lance?" "What the fuck did I just hear?" "Lance?" " Did you say "Lance"?" " No!" " That sounded like "Lance."" " No, I said "Nance."" " That's what I said, "Nance."" " It sounded like "Lance."" "Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay?" "I love the pussy!" "All right?" "Lay your ass back down and look at the stars." "When you wrote I Love Tha Pussy was you thinking of dangling your dice on Lance's forehead?" "Oh, hell, no!" "What?" "Come on." "Look." " Man, everyone's gay once in a while." " I'm not gay!" "This Hollywood." "How about we all get back to work?" " Okay." "Cool." " This is ridiculous!" "We got a big day tomorrow." "Let's get focused." "Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now." "I told you, for the last time, I love the pussy!" "I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe and swallow the gravy." "Get it over here, buddy." "Let's do this." "Okay, so, what's the plan?" "Are you gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?" "No." "No." "Mandarin Chinese." "Which, from what I can tell, is what they speaking down there." "How the hell do you know Chinese?" "Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li." "Second Globe, third Oscar." "Prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months." "That might be our ride." "The straps are too tight!" "Shut your mouth and follow my lead." "Okay." "All right." "That looks like it could be the munitions hut right there." "I'm gonna try to find Speedman in the main building." "Get over here!" " What are you guys doing here?" " He has hands." " He killed Damien." " Bullshit!" " He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis." " Almost!" "What are you talking about?" "Damien stepped on a old landmine." "Sweet." "Thank God." " We busting Speedman out." " Speedman's here?" "They got my boom boom up here." "I take it y'all are doing the Wet Offensive from the book." "I can give y'all a diversion." "I got enough shit here to light this place up like it's the Fourth of fucking July." "Yes, your farm." "Where is your farm," "American?" "My farm?" "Oh, shit." "Here's my motherfucking farm!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Chicka-chickaw, baby!" "Kwan-Lo!" "I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep your head down!" "Keep your head down on the ground!" "Nobody move or I do the little big guy!" "That's right, we running this program now, J.P." "Now show me where the drugs are." "What the fuck?" "That ain't the plan!" "Don't judge me!" "He's got a real serious problem." "Hey!" "Hey, you!" "Take off your clothes!" "Take off your clothes!" "What do we do now?" "Stick with the plan." "Find Speedman." "Alpa, keep this clown posse down." "Come on now." "Y'all heard the man." "Be suede, don't move!" "Fuck your do-rag." "Fuck your do-rag." " Door!" " One, two, three!" "I go high, you go low." "Get down." "Get down!" "Get down!" "Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down!" "If I see one more head pop up, it's gonna be bullet Whac-A-Mole." "Come on, come on!" " Smoke grenade." " Don't drop it now." "Here." " What's this?" " I don't know what it's called." "I just know the sound it makes when it lies." "Don't move, Matchbox, or I will shoot you." "I'm gonna put on this thing." "Don't move." "I can still see you." "Tugg!" "Tugg?" "Gotcha." "Roll your shit up, man." "We going home." "Home?" "But I'm doing five shows a day for a standing-room-only crowd." "Don't you get it?" "I already am home." "All right, now, dude, you gotta get it..." "My son gave this to me." " That's your stick buddy?" " His name is Twigman." "Does he wanna come with us?" "Get the hell down!" "What you doing?" "What you doing?" "Don't touch that gun." "Don't do it!" "Don't touch that gun!" "On my momma, if you touch that gun..." " Oh, shit, it's on!" " Over here!" "Shadow me, Pinocchio!" "Smoke!" "Oh, shit!" "Jeff, don't!" "It doesn't matter what I do." "I'll always be a screw-up." "No one'll ever respect me." "That is not true, you are not a screw-up!" "You make so many people laugh." "They only laugh at my farts." "Jeff, we really need to go now!" "This is all I deserve!" "Laugh at that, you bastards!" "Hilarious!" "Hilarious!" "Let's move." "We only have 16 hours before they wake up." "Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing." "These assholes are gonna be crawling in here ready to fucking eat us." "There." "All right, you keep six right here." "Come on, let's go." "Come on, what are you guys doing?" "Let's get out of here!" "He's on tilt status." "Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot." "They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box." "Give me the flame thrower." "You gotta start the chopper." " No, fuck that!" "Just give me this." " No time!" "I'll take care of this!" "All right." "Give me your hooks." "Don't worry, I'm not gonna put them on again." " Just give me your goddamn hooks." " All right." "Here." "Get those boys back to the bird, pronto!" "Shit!" "Enough!" "Fake shit!" "Fuck!" "Go get your guys!" "Get them to the chopper!" "I'll take care of these yahoos!" "You're gonna focus up now, motherfucker, and say it." " "It's me, Tugg!"" " It's me, Tugg." "That's right!" "Now, Tugg who?" " Tugg who?" "I don't know." "Who are you?" " Me?" "I know who I am!" "I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude." "What?" "You a dude that don't know what dude he is!" "Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is..." "What the fuck are you guys talking about?" "...by playing other dudes?" "I know what dude I am!" " You're scared." " I ain't scared." "Scared of what?" "Or scared of who?" " Scared of who?" " Come on, guys." "We really need to go!" "Scared of you." " Jesus." " What's going on?" "The dudes are emerging." "He's right, you know." "I am not" "Sergeant Lincoln Osiris." "We gotta roll out." "Nor am I Father O'Malley." "Or Neil Armstrong." "I think I might be nobody." "Wow!" "The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!" " Everybody's got issues!" " Yeah, man, everybody got issues." "Come on!" "You're Kirk Lazarus." "You're the whole reason I got into acting." "I memorized every single monologue you ever did when I was in theater school." " Really?" " Yeah." "And look, Tugg!" "I saw Scorcher I 24 times when I was in eighth grade." "That shit blew me away!" "I got high to that shit!" "You the man!" "Yeah, man, Scorcher I was great." "Let's get the fuck out of here!" "Tugg, Tugger, you're the last piece of the puzzle, buddy." "We need you!" "Your men need you!" "Are you with us?" "I'm a rooster illusion." "Fuck it." "We'll deal with him later." "Let's move." "Come on." "Come on." "Double time." "Gotta go!" "Come on, come on, come on." "Bingo!" "Move out." "Oh, God." "Just say no to this, you drug-making midget." "Gotta hold on!" "Four Leaf!" "You grew hands?" "RPG, gentlemen!" "Where are you going?" "Oh, my God." "I am moving to catering after this." "My ass!" "My ass!" "Hey, yo!" "We gotta get our shit together, Tugg!" "We gotta get his cracker ass to the chopper!" "Are you still crazy?" "We gotta get Candisky to the chopper!" "It's Sandusky." " Kevin Sandusky." " That's my name." "You remembered my name." "Alpa, go help Cody." "Portnoy, get Sandusky back to the chopper." "Go!" " I got him!" " Let's go!" "Let's get out of here!" "Hey, Leaf!" " Leaf!" " Yeah." "Hit the plunger" " as soon as they clear the bridge!" " Got it!" "Come on!" "Get in the chopper!" " Come on!" "Move!" " Kirk!" "Wait!" " What the hell is he doing?" " Laz, I'm gonna blow the bridge!" "Leaf's about to blow the bridge." "Come on!" "You don't have to!" "You don't have to!" "I'm staying." "No, I can't let you do that, mate." "We gotta go." "No, I'm telling you, I'm not being crazy." "They'll listen to me." "I know it sounds weird, but I have a connection with them." " Get over here!" " I have a son now." "Little Half Squat." "Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?" "He's my son." "He's my boy!" "He needs me." "I have to go back to him." "You tell the world what happened here." "What happened here?" "I don't know, but you need to tell them." "I got this." "Tugg!" "You take care of the boys!" "I'll deal with these guys." "Where is he going?" "We're gonna fucking die!" "Laz, come on." "He joined the circus." "Let's go." " You've got hands." " Yeah." " Fuck!" "You've got hands?" " Come on!" " Come on!" " Get in!" " Come on!" " He's staying?" "Go!" "He's a lost cause, mate!" "Get out of here!" "I was wrong!" "Blow the bridge!" "Blow the fucking bridge!" "I got this." "Leaf, no!" "It's over!" "He's gone!" "Cody!" "We gotta go!" "Look." "Think he's done." "Cover me!" " Come on!" " Wait, come back!" "How do we cover him?" "All right, game over." "Come on, mate." "Come on." " You all right, man?" " I'm cold." "I can't feel my legs." "No, no, they're in a puddle, mate." "See?" "There's a puddle right there." " No worries." " Good." "Come on, we gotta split, man." " You guys came back for me." " Course." "Hey!" "I want you to know something." "What?" "I know who you are." "You're my friend." "You're my brother." "But like a really cool brother, you know?" "Like a brother where there was no animosity or..." "Don't look now, you got some real tears going." "Really?" "That's the stuff that accolades are made of." "Jesus, let's go, man!" "All right?" "Upsy-daisy." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "Come on!" "Here we go!" "Tuggernuts!" "I got it!" " Tugger!" " Rick!" "What the fuck?" "I got the TiVo!" "My friend wants a TiVo, my friend gets a TiVo!" "Oh, shit!" "And the Oscar goes to..." "Yes!" "Tugg Speedman." ""Tropic Blunder, The True Story Behind the Making" ""of the Most Expensive Fake True War Story Ever."" "Yeah!" "Yeah, you son of a bitch!" "Eight Oscars, $400 million and you saved Tugg Speedman's career." "I couldn't have done it without you, Slolom." "Really?" "No, dickhead, of course I could." " A nutless monkey could do your job." " Well, I..." "Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties." " I would never do that to..." " Joking." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Very..." "Okay, there he is." " There he is." "Okay." " Go have fun." "All right." "We're having a..." "Fuck, okay." "Thank you, Les." "Thank you." "You have a good night..." "But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job." "Good." "Thank you, sir."