"Ed:" "We need each other, dr." "Jerome." "I'll come back if you cwant me to come back, but as an equal partner." "Okay." "What's wrong with Toby Gibbons?" "It's fine." "I think you should go out with Toby Gibbons." "Carol, can I kiss you?" "Oh, uh, uh, Toby," "I'm not sure that we're connecting." "Well, uh, I'll walk you out." "Listen, there's an elephant in the room that both of us are pretending to ignore." "What have you got going on there?" "Nothing." "What's up with you guys?" "Nothing is up with me and Frankie." "I'm her employer." "She-she's my employee." "The way I see it, there are five ways we can play this." "Uh, excuse..." "Play what?" "You know, the whole boss-employee kiss thing that happened last night." "Right." "One... we could totally ignore it and pretend it never happened." "Two... we could acknowledge it with subtle knowing glances, but never mention it by name." "Three... we can drive each other crazy by arguing all the time like Hepburn and Tracy, all the while existing with an air of thick sexual tension." "Four... we can have a rational discourse about office romance and-and mutually decide on an appropriate course of action." "Five... we can throw caution to the wind and hurl ourselves into the unknown." "What's it going to be?" "Uh..." "What do you think?" "Uh, one is out, 'cause we're already not ignoring it." "We can... we can try two, but I'm not great with subtle glances." "I-I'm cool with either three or four." "Five may be a little too much to commit to." "Right." "Uh, what..." "What's the one where we have a rational talk and mutually agree on a course of action?" "Four." "Four." "Yeah." "Yeah, I-I'm good with four." "No." "Four-four is fake, 'cause we're already doing four by going through this list." "Then why is it on the list?" "( knocking at door )" "I don't know." "I felt like I needed five altogether." "Hi." "All right, then." "Looks like we've got a plan." "But we-we haven't." ".:" "Prijevodi" " Online :." "♪ I'm in the sky tonight ♪" "♪ There I can keep by your side ♪" "♪ Watchin' the wide world right, and hiding' out ♪" "♪ I'll be comin' home next year. ♪" "ED" "Excuse me, Dr. Jerome, do you have a second?" "Mm, for you, Dr. Burton, two seconds." "( chuckles )" "My favorite joke." "What do you want?" "Well, it's been, uh..." "It's been a few weeks now since we formed our equal partnership, and, uh, I feel it's time I-I shared some concerns with you." "Speak up, Zippy." "I can't hear you over my apple." "Sorry." "( clears throat )" "Okay." "Well, you see, uh, in many ways, I still feel this is your practice, and, uh, and I just work here." "For example, the Muzak." "It would be my vote to switch over to rock 'n' roll." "Nothing too heavy; just, uh, nice classic rock." "Eagles, Jackson Browne, B. T.O...." "That's Bachman-Turner Overdrive." "Hmm." "And, uh..." "And, well, the sign out-front." "Still the same old sign with, uh, dinky little" "Dr. Burton card hanging from the bottom." "I propose a new sign with equal rep..." "Excuse me, Dr. Burton." "Yes." "Forgive me interrupting, by I can't help but wonder," "( shouting ):" "have you gone completely out of your rutabaga-sized head?" "Oh, come on, Dr. Jerome." "That's not fair, and you know it." "We're equal partners now..." "All right, all right, all right." "You want a new sign?" "Yes, Dr. Jerome, I really do." "I'll order a new sign." "Really?" "Yes." "With both our names in equal-sized print?" "Yes." "Now, skedaddle, Dr. Burton, before I change my mind." "All right." "Thanks, Dr. Jerome." "It's a great start." "I often feel compelled to fill awkward silences by yodeling." "Go right ahead." "♪ Yodel-ay-hee hoo ♪" "♪ Yodel-ay ♪" "♪ Yodel-ay-yodel-ay ♪" "♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo. ♪" "Excuse me?" "Ah, there you are." "( Ed clears throat )" "Hi... hi." "How-how can we help you?" "Oh, well, I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle, and I need to be... depickled." "I think the term you're looking for is depicklized." "Please have a seat." "How can we help, Ms... ?" "Barnes." "Ms. Barnes, Ed Stevens." "Lisa." "Frankie Hector." "LISA:" "Uh, all right, so, you know those deals you make with your friends that if you're not married by a certain age, you'll agree to marry each other." "Oh, yeah." "I did one of those." "Aaron Willenbrook." "We were 16." "What age did you agree to be married?" "81." "I wanted to keep my options open for as long as possible." "LISA:" "Smart girl." "Brad Campbell and I agreed on 35, and I'm turning 35 next month, and he's trying to hold me to it." "That's crazy." "Can't you just tell him that's crazy?" "No." "I've tried." "There's just..." "Well, there's one little problem." "I, uh..." "We drew up a binding agreement." "We were law students at the time." "It was contract law." ""The undersigned shall not be bound by the laws" ""of Stuckeyville, but by the laws of love, dedication and honor."" "Believe it or not, stone-cold sober when we drafted that paragraph." "Wow." "There's a penalty of $100,000 for whoever reneges on the contract." "You knew what you were doing." "You got to get me out of this." "I can't marry Brad Campbell." "And I've got about 48 cents in my checking account." "All right, we'll, uh, see what we can do." "I'll give you a call this afternoon." "Great." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "Bye." "Thank you." "Well..." "I don't think we should pursue this." "We just told her that we..." "Us." "This." "Oh..." "Okay." "It's too hard." "Too distracting." "All right." "Very good, then." "All righty, then." "DIANE:" "I'm sorry." "I just can't make my brain believe you're sleeping with Stella Vessey." "You're making this up." "I'm not!" "We've done it six-and-half times now." "What's the half supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Oh, hey, check it out." "DIANE:" "Oh, my God." "Wow!" "Look at those things!" "Christo could have used those to wrap the Reichstag." "What?" "I know things." "What's going on?" "Oh, the school paper's running a story about my weight loss, so, of course, they needed the old" "Tommy Lasorda giant pants shot." "Man, you're like one of those Russian nesting dolls." "You just keep getting smaller." "Yeah, right." "I'm going to crack open, and a tiny Joseph Stalin's going to wobble out." "Hey, what's with the Miata?" "MARK:" "I just added it to the list." "WARREN:" "What list?" "Mark's making a list of all the things that he can do now that he's thinner." "Yeah." "When I was 480, there was no way" "I could have squeezed my bulk into the cockpit of a Miata." "Now I can." "If only I had $24.000." "Hey, I'm proud of you, buddy." "Mike, this is so exciting!" "It's like you're getting a star on Hollywood Boulevard." "Ah, it's just a sign." "Oh, look at you with your false modesty." "I know how much this means to you." "Oh, here they go." "Get ready." "All right." "Say, "New sign." Wait, no." "You have to make an "e" sound to smile, so say, "Nee seen."" "Nee seen!" "Oh, honey, it's so beautiful." "Wow." "Yeah." "Wow, look at..." "Wow..." "What?" ""Walter Randolph Jerome"?" ""Walter Randolph Jerome"?" "( sighs )" "( knocking )" "Oh, good morning, partner!" "How's by you?" "What's "Randolph" doing on the sign?" "Oh, that's my middle name." "I had a Great Uncle Randolph." "Terrific dancer." "Don't play dumb with me, Dr. Jerome." "You put it there to make your name bigger than mine." "That's absurd!" "Oh, yeah?" "Than why didn't you run it by me?" "'Cause you're trying to one-up me." "Stop acting like a drunk flamingo!" "MIKE:" "Don't you call me a drunk flamingo." "I'm an equal partner in this practice." "They're not really fighting." "They are.... rehearsing a comedy skit." "JEROME:" "No, but I've seen sober ones..." "Their catch phrase is..." "is "drunk flamingo", so..." "JEROME:" "Drunk flamingo." "MIKE:" "Oh, yeah?" "You're  a drunk flamingo!" "Listen to this." ""Brad and Lisa shall have no less than two children" ""but no more than four children by the age of 50."" "Who thinks like that?" "Well, seems like a reasonable goal, you know?" "Three kids by the age of 50." "I agree, just not to fulfill a contractual obligation." "I can't believe any court would even hear this case." "No court would." "Paragraph 28:" ""If either party contests the terms of the contract, the matter goes into binding arbitration."" "Oh, my God." "It's all so brilliantly twisted." "Yeah." "( sniffing )" "Did you just smell me?" "What?" "No." "I think you just smelled me." "No!" "No." "Come on..." "I didn't just smell you." "I heard you make a sniffing sound." "You went... ( sniffing )" "No." "I don't recall making that sound." "Oh, no, no..." "you definitely made it." "Maybe I had, like, a sniffle, you know. ( sniffs )" "Like I was catching a cold or something and sniffle." "But you didn't smell me?" "No." "Absolutely not." "My mistake." "No problem." "( sniffs )" "All that talk made me curious." "That time you smelled?" "That time, yeah." "Previous time, no." "And?" "Want to go to my place?" "Yeah." "Hey, Lynette." "Listen, I've been meaning to tell you." "You're looking really great." "Oh... um, thanks." "Hey, Jimmy." "Hey." "Bye, Mark." "Dude, Lynette Martin?" "Yeah." "What's that like having Lynette Martin drooling over your scrawny...?" "She's just being polite." "Come on." "How does it feel?" "It's kind of surreal..." "but good." "God, you must be loving life these days." "You know, you've inspired the heck out of me." "What do you mean?" "You going to lose weight?" "I'm getting Vanacored." "What do you mean?" "I'm having gastric bypass surgery." "You are?" "Yeah." "I'm going in next week." "I'm so psyched, I can't even tell you." "And you're doing this because of me?" "Yeah." "Look at you." "How could I not?" "Later, skinny." "Later." "So you think anyone will notice" "I'm wearing yesterday's clothes?" "I doubt it." "How about me?" "No." "Wait." "We spent the night at your place." "How come you're wearing the same thing?" "Solidarity." "We're in this thing together." "Nice." "We probably need a new plan of action in light of last night's festivities." "Right, right." "Do you have any thoughts?" "Only one." "Whichever plan we choose, the festivities must continue." "Yeah?" "You think so?" "Yeah." "I'm going to have to insist on more festivities." "Festivities." "All right, okay." "In that case, how about this?" "How about, well, during the work hours, business as usual." "Just the same as always, and then at the at the end of the workday, we shift into festivity mode." "Yes, just to keep our boundaries super-clear, we'll get one of those really loud quitting-time whistles." "Right." "And a big ol' dinosaur, so when the whistle blows we can slide down his back just like Fred Flintstone." "Perfect, then we're all set." "What do you say we kick off tonight's festivities with a movie?" "Ed, you can't ask me out during work hours." "Right, I'm sorry." "Movie's good." "I swear, I've never seen such petty behavior in my entire life." "They're like two nine-year-olds fighting over a Zagnut bar." "And it isn't any better now that they're equal partners?" "If anything, it's worse 'cause now Mike is giving as good as he gets and that drives Dr. Jerome crazy." "MOLLY:" "They're both intelligent men." "You'd think they'd find some way to work together." "Ahoy, there, crew members." "ALL:" "Hi, Toby." "How are you doing?" "You doing okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You?" "Me?" "Gangbusters." "Went to Foxwoods last weekend." "It's an Indian casino." "Right." "Right." "This is one paleface that left with plenty of wampum." "So, uh, Nancy, I couldn't help but overhear about your husband's little conundrum at work." "Oh, yeah, it's nothing, really." "I can fix it." "You can?" "How?" "Well, believe it or not, before I got into the comptroller game," "I spent years as a professional conflict-management consultant." "Which is what, exactly?" "Corporations used to hire me to teach their executives how to get along and improve productivity." "It's partially thanks to me that Oshkosh B'Gosh is the finely oiled machine it is today." "Thank you so much, Toby." "I will definitely keep that in mind." "Feel free to call me." "I will, great." "Oh, and if a woman answers the phone, it's my new girlfriend Linda." "Okay." "Thank you, Toby." "Ahoy." "Sweet." "I saw Harrison Ford on TV last night." "He was wearing an earring." "I don't know." "So?" "He doesn't seem like an earring guy." "Saddened me a bit, honestly." "You know what I mean?" "I guess." "What's the matter with you, homes?" "He's still worried about Jimmy." "Yeah, I really am." "That surgery's risky, you know?" "What if something goes wrong?" "Ah, he'll probably be fine." "Yeah, but if he isn't, I'm responsible." "I don't see how, Mark." "It's not like you talked him into it." "I didn't have to talk." "I just had to strut around like Mr. Thinny McThin guy." "I'm like the poster boy for this thing." "Well, if it'll make you feel better, why don't you just sit him down and make sure he knows all the pros and cons?" "That way, no matter what he decides, you're in the clear." "Right." "Maybe I'll bring him to my support group meeting." "We'll come with you, right, Warren?" "What?" "To that obesity group?" "Is my kind welcome there?" "What, Presbyterians?" "Absolutely." "Listen to me." "You violated the ordinance, and now you owe the town 3.000 bucks, we're done talking." "( knock at door )" "No, Lou..." "Come on in." "Louis, we're done." "It's over." "I don't care." "We're done." "Okay, from now on, no matter what you say," "I'm going to respond with the phrase Clams Casino." "LOUIS:" "Clams Casino?" "!" "Clams Casino." "Clams Casino." "Crazy, you're crazy!" "Clams Casino." "( laughs )" "Son of a... hung up on me." "What can I do for you guys?" "Hi, Mr. Campbell." "I'm Ed Stevens." "I'm Lisa Barnes' attorney." "This is Frankie Hector my associate." "We were wondering if we could talk to you about your contract with Lisa Barnes." "Is she contesting the terms?" "Because if she's contesting the terms, we can go right to arbitration." "No, no, Lisa just wanted to make absolutely sure that you're serious about this." "Serious?" "No." "I drew up that brilliantly structured, legally binding 150-page contract just for giggles 'cause I'm a silly clown man." "Mr. Campbell, why are you doing this?" "You don't need to do this." "You're a successful, good-looking..." "What we're saying Please, more patronizing." "is we're sure you could find someone that actually wants to marry you." "My physical beauty intimidates women." "They're afraid to approach me." "Seems to me if you really cared about Lisa you wouldn't be doing this." "You can't force her to love you." "If it's meant to be, it'll just... be." "Then it'll be." "Because the legally binding contract we both wrote and signed declares that it's meant to be." "Look, I really think..." "Clams casino." "If you could just listen..." "Clams Casino." "Frankie, let's go." "Give my love to Lisa." "Hi, Nancy." "Hi." "Oh, my Lord." "( sighs )" "What?" "I was named after my great-uncle" "Michaelangelo Heironymous Antidisestablishmentarianism Burton!" "He won the biathlon at Innisbruck." "Are you mocking me, Dr. Burton?" "You started it by adding the "Randolph."" "I didn't start anything, you upright St. Bernard!" "Mike!" "Dr. Jerome!" "The patients can hear you!" "You two have got to figure this out." "With all due respect, Mrs. Burton, your husband is a slack-jawed llama." "Stop calling me animals." "I'll call you whatever...!" "Okay, stop!" "I have a solution." "You need a conflict-management consultant." "A what?" "His name is Toby Gibbons and he helps executives settle their differences." "And he is the best in the business." "( giggling )" "Ed, Yeah." "did you read my brief?" "What?" "Why are we talking about work?" ""Cause we're in the middle of the business day." "We're right smack dab in the middle of work hours." "Yeah, well, I'm about to do some serious work right here." "Ed?" "Yeah?" "You really think we can handle this?" "Handle what?" "This, this working together, sleeping together plus the pressure of sneaking around so nobody finds out about us, which I'm not totally understanding why we're doing that." "No, I think we can totally handle it, but..." "Well, if it makes it Yeah?" "makes it easier to... stick to the rules, then I guess we can go right back to the office." "Kind of too bad, though." "I brought my "A" game today." "Wait." "Last time, that wasn't your "A" game?" "Heck, no." "Screw it." "Mmm." "I'm so fat, I can sit on a quarter, and when I get up, it's two dimes and a nickel." "( all cracking up )" "I'm so fat, when I dance, the band skips." "No, no." "I'm so fat, when I get on an elevator on the first floor and press ten, it says, "Hey, be reasonable."" "( laughter )" "I'm so fat, Stephen Hawking is writing a new book called" "A Brief History of My.... ( raucous laughter )" "Vanacore, hey, where's the rest of you?" "On holiday in Rio." "This is Warren, this is Diane and this is my friend Jimmy I told you about." "Hey." "Hey, guys," "I'm so fat, when I sit around the house," "I sit around the house!" "Know what I'm saying?" "( weak chuckles )" "That's good." "So, Jimmy, we hear you're getting ready to go under the knife." "Yeah." "Raring to go." "He looks about Nora'a age, doesn't he?" "Yeah, he does." "Who's Nora?" "Tell him, Barry." "She got the surgery." "Didn't go so well." "Why?" "What happened?" "There were complications." "What about her?" "She died, Jimmy." "Just think it all through, okay?" "Well, thanks." "Dude, can you fly coach now?" "Since there's not a lot of precedent, you're going to need to expand the argument." "I made some notes." "Yes, I see." "And that breach of contract stuff," "Frankie, I'm just not so sure there's a good place to use that." "You mean, the stuff under the giant red X?" "Yeah." "It's just too..." "too corporate." "Our argument needs to be much more personal." "Gotcha." "Less corporate, more personal." "Not a problem." "I can make it more personal." "Easy mistake to make." "Good thing you caught it now, then." "Well, anyway, we can work on that tomorrow." "Come on." "I promised you a night at the movies." "I don't think I can make it tonight." "Come on, we got plans." "Yeah, I know." "I just..." "I need to focus all my attention on this right now." "Don't want to make any more easy mistakes." "Look, Frankie..." "I'm a certified Class "A" workaholic." "I'm not going to be happy until this is perfect and you're happy, okay?" "Okay." "Good morning, Walter." "( chuckles )" "Oh, I don't think you'll be calling me Walter." "If you call him Dr. Jerome, you're going to have to call me Dr. Burton." "Gentlemen, let's get one thing straight." "This is my show and I will call you what I choose." "Once I worked with a couple of Fortune 500 senior vice presidents, whom I addressed as..." "Number One and..." "Number Two." "Now, please, sit down." "Walter, Michael, in the coming days," "I'll be saying things to you that you do not want to hear." "I'll be taking you places you do not want to go." "But let's begin the journey peacefully with a simple relaxation exercise." "Close your eyes, please." "( inhales and exhales deeply )" "Picture yourself at the most relaxing place you've ever been." "A beach..." "near a cozy fireplace." "For me, it's in the back of my parent's old station wagon." "When I was little, whenever we'd go on long car trips, my parents would make a bed for me in the space behind the backseat." "I called it the back back." "The purr of the engine was my lullaby." "I would doze off there in the back back, and wake up nine hours later at our cabin near Lake Superior." "Dr. Jerome's not relaxing." "His eyes are open." "His eyes are wide open." "He's not relaxing." "Ha." "The fact that he saw me proves his eyes were open." "I didn't see you looking." "I sensed you looking..." "I sensed it." "I sense a drooling baboon sitting next to me." "Unusual case." "Yeah, I agree with you." "It's a ridiculous case." "No, I'm sticking with unusual." "I have your notes here, Mr. Stevens." "Thank you, Miss Hector." "Mr. Walsh, Mr. Campbell, let's all do ourselves a favor and put this thing behind us today." "'Cause all this contract does is set the stage for a long, complicated legal battle, and in the end, the results will be the same." "My client will not be forced to marry against her will." "This case is simply not worth pursuing for you." "Au contraire." "My client thinks it is worth pursuing and that's all that matters." "Now, are you willing to talk compromises here or should we see each other in arbitration?" "Fine, Walsh." "What do you got?" "Well, my client is willing to allow a minimum of one child as opposed to the two stipulated in the contract." "That's a compromise?" "Yeah, it's a compromise." "We'll forget about little Barbara." "Who's little Barbara?" "The daughter we're apparently never going to have." "You're already naming our kids?" "Uh, yeah, after your lovely grandma no less." "That's particularly nice coming from you." "Okay, look, we're not going to get anywhere here today trying to negotiate children, all right?" "Or living situations, or who's going to do what chores around the house." "My client does not want to marry Mr. Campbell." "And there's no court, no arbitrator that's going to make her." "But the penalty clause certainly will be enforced." "Well, Mr. Welsh, there was a case in Arkansas in 1997 involved shared burial plots." "Now, in these shared..." "I got the file right here, Mr. Stevens." "Thank you, Miss Hector, will you hang on to that for a moment?" "Yes, Mr. Stevens." "Everything all right?" "Yes, Mr. Stevens." "( clears throat )" "Excuse us for a moment?" "I need to speak with my associate." "Miss Hector... if you please." "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "I'm doing my job, same as always." "I don't have a photographic memory but I'm sure you've never curtsied before." "Oh, that." "I threw that in to make it crystal clear that these are business hours, I'm your employee." "Nothing more, nothing less." "You don't have to do that." "Oh, I know." "It was a courtesy curtsy." "Should've probably been deeper." "Let me try again." "Prithee, me Lord," "♪ Thou forgivest me. ♪" "Frankie, what in tarnation?" "Will you just..." "You see, look, I get it, all right?" "You don't have to prove to me you're my employee." "You don't have to prove you're my boss." "What?" "I've written dozens of briefs for you." "You've never responded the way you did to that last one." "I think you triggered a national red ink shortage." "Frankie, I'm sorry, but that brief was weak." "It wasn't that weak." "It's never that weak." "And the day it's that weak," "I'll turn in my gun and badge." "Look, I have a client in there." "I don't have time for this right now." "Let's go, then." "( sighs )" "VESSEY:" "So, when Gulliver is amongst the Lilliputians, he is himself, in effect, what?" "Warren?" "( pencil drops )" "Who?" "What..." "I didn't..." "I wasn't raising my hand." "What are the giants called in Gulliver's Travels?" "To be honest, Miss Vessey, I've only read Gulliver's Travels in the original German text where I believe the giants are called, um..." ""Sheistamoostamachen- shpreckenzeedeusch."" "( laughter )" "I can't really recall the English translation." "Holy crap, this is embarrassing." "( school bell rings )" "VESSEY:" "You're a very lucky man, Mr. Cheswick." "Don't forget your papers are due on Friday." "Oh, thank you." "Um... and Literary Club is moved to Wednesday." "Mark?" "Uh, could you wait a minute?" "Me?" "He's the one that didn't know "Brobdingnagian."" "This will just take a second." "Have a seat." "Okay." "Principal Hudson sent this note." "She knows that you're involved with Jimmy Ressler, and apparently his gastric bypass surgery this morning didn't exactly go as planned." "What?" "Is he okay?" "Well, it seems there were some complications." "Complications?" "What complications?" "I don't know." "That's all the information I have." "I'm sorry." "But he'll be okay, right?" "Well, the doctors are with him right now." "I'm sure they're doing their best." "And we'll know more soon." "Mark, you okay?" "I need to find out exactly what happened." "I'm going to give Jimmy's parents a call." "d sit on the floor facing each other." "Sit on the floor?" "I'm 71 years old." "Walter." "JEROME:" "What in the name of sweet screaming Moses are you doing now?" "Exactly what it looks like." "No one's leaving this room until each of you give each other three compliments." "Now, who's first?" "( clears throat )" "I'll start." "Dr. Jerome, your head resembles a very large egg." "( sighs )" "Michael..." "What?" "That's good, right?" "Eggs are the perfect food." "Three actual, honest, sincere compliments." "Hey, I'm happy to wait all day." "I brought reading material." "( humming )" "The man's reading a comic book." "This is a graphic novel." "Fine." "Dr. Jerome, you have an encyclopedic knowledge of medicine." "Very good, Michael." "Walter?" "Dr. Burton, you have a pleasant bedside manner." "Great." "Call him Walter." "Uh..." "Walter, you, uh... you're a very good family man." "Michael, you're a loving father." "I've always liked your cologne." "You have a fine physique." "Yes!" "Now we're cookin' with gas." "I'm so proud of you guys." "Come here." "Hey, Vanacore." "Catch!" "Your car's ready, sir." "You bought me a car?" "Oh, we leased it for two hours." "So, you got about an hour and 32 minutes of driving pleasure." "So, get on in there, my brother." "What's the matter?" "Jimmy Ressler." "Something happened during his surgery." "What?" "There was some stomach leakage." "Oh, my God." "Is he okay?" "He's nowhere near okay." "Thanks to me, he's going to be in and out of the hospital for at least a year, if he's lucky." "What do you mean "thanks to you"?" "Well, if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have gotten the operation." "Oh, yeah, but that's ridiculous." "Yeah, Mark, don't do this to yourself." "Don't do what to myself?" "If it wasn't for me," "Jimmy Ressler would be here in school right now." "Does anyone want to dispute that fact?" "I'm sure his doctors told him what the risks were." "And you even went out of your way to explain the risks to him yourself." "And you took him to that meeting." "Yeah, and I could have sat him down for a six-month seminar and showed him everything that could go wrong with colored slides and an overhead projector, but what makes a bigger impression?" "All of that, or watching the fat guy get thin?" "You aren't thinking clearly about this." "No, Diane, I am thinking clearly." "Don't you see?" "I am the poster boy for gastric bypass surgery." "No matter what I say about the risks or how many times I say it, any obese person who knows me is going to take one look at me and shout," ""Give me what he got!"" "Just like Jimmy Ressler did." "Thanks for the car, but I'm just not in the mood to celebrate." "Look how long this French fry is." "What's the big deal?" "Can you image the potato it came from?" "It must have been one lengthy potato." "That's what I love about you, honey." "You're always thinking." "It's my blessing and my curse." "Can I get anybody anything from the bar?" "( all decline )" "Good." "Look at her, Ed." "She's perfect." "Perfect." "Not too short, not too tall... cute hair." "She's got a visage that says" ""Hi, I'm a sweet little pixie", one moment, and then," ""Hello, I'm a hot... little pixie" the next." "HUDSON:" "I wonder if when she's at home, she makes out with her pillow and pretends it's Ed." "Oh, no... or if she writes, "Mrs. Frankie Stevens"" "over and over again in her diary." "Come on, Ed, you guys are so cute together." "When are you going to make your move?" "Yeah, act now, while supplies last." "So, Frankie and I slept together." "Nice." "Stop being such a buffoon." "Somebody had to do something." "Can we move on?" "Hey, Frankie." "So, Frankie, how's the case going?" "Great." "Fine." "Yeah, speaking of work," "I should probably head back to the office." "Oh, come on, come on." "It's only 9:00." "Ed, be a nice boss man and tell her to kick up her heels." "Yeah, you don't have to..." "No, really, I want to look everything over." "We can't have any mistakes now, can we?" "Hey, Frankie?" "Yeah?" "High five." "She's great." "You got anything for tomorrow?" "I don't know." "Cognizance?" "Cognizance?" "Yeah." "Cognizance, like she really didn't know what she was getting into." "Yeah." "It's good." "Thank you." "Welcome." "How long do you think this going to go on for?" "What?" "This, us, the tension and hostility." "I'm just curious." "How long would you like it to go on for, Ed?" "Forever." "Perfect work environment." "Very productive." "Why don't we just pretend like nothing ever happened between us?" "Good." "Done." "Perfect." "Mr. Curry, that's a handsome set of lungs you got there." "Dr. Burton." "Toby, I'm with a patient." "It's Dr. Jerome." "Come quick." "I'll be back, I'll be right back, Mr. Curry." "I-I found him like this." "Come on, Toby, this is stupid." "What are you talking about?" "Look, I didn't swing out of a tree yesterday." "I know this is one of your little exercises." "Dr. Burton, this isn't an exercise." "I swear, Dr. Jerome is really dead." "Right-o." "Let me guess." "You want to know what my feelings are now that the old egg-headed coot is gone." "I don't think you understand." "Here are my feelings, Toby." "Ya-ha!" "Free at last!" "Thank God Almighty!" "Free at last!" "Wa-zoobie!" "Mike!" "This is no joke!" "He's dead." "Oh, my God." "I don't believe it." "I'm not dead you newt!" "This is ridiculous." "Turns out you did swing out of a tree yesterday." "How did you feel when you thought Dr. Jerome was dead?" "You don't fake a man's death, Toby." "That's crossing the line." "Crossing lines is exactly what we're here to do." "( laughing )" "So how's my taking-your-mind- off-your-troubles dinner going so far?" "It's good." "Thank you for doing this." "Really?" "Because I think it's sucking." "I do." "I think you're moping." "I think you're feeling sorry for yourself about something that isn't your fault and it's gonna stop right now." "Okay, is this you going into "tough love" mode?" "because if it is, let's just save ourselves the trouble." "It isn't your fault your operation went well." "I think you're missing the point." "Am I?" "It's luck, Mark." "Luck." "It's nothing you can control." "It's funny." "They talk to you all about these statistics, but in the end, you're the only statistic that really matters." "Okay, in my world, gastric-bypass surgery goes smoothly 100% of the time." "No complications, no problem." "So why do I have all the luck and he doesn't get any?" "Mark, four months ago you weighed 475 pounds." "You couldn't walk from Homeroom to English without breaking a sweat." "Your doctors told you you were on the fast track to all kinds of medical problems, including dying." "Dying, Mark." "Very young." "You really think you've got a lot of luck?" "More than Jimmy Ressler." "Look." "Everybody's dealt a hand." "Tiger Woods looked at his cards and he said, "Cool." "I can hit a golf ball 400 yards."" "Somebody else has said, "Darn," "I'm only ever going to be four-foot-11"" "and somebody else said, "I can't believe I'm going to get hit by a bus on my 21st birthday."" "Luck." "Luck is luck." "It's..." "Hey." "All you can do is just keep going." "In my 20 years of arbitration" "I can safely say I've never seen a case quite like this." "I'm sure there is a very good reason for that." "Exactly." "Mr. Walsh, let's start with you." "Okay." "Simple." "This is a contract." "It was not only signed by them it was also written by them." "Two consenting, fully informed adults." "My client wants it enforced." "You don't want to marry him." "I really don't." "But you want her to marry you... even though she doesn't want to." "Yes." "How come?" "You may not be able to see this at first glance, but I happen to be very lovable." "and if she would live up to her end of the bargain she'd eventually love me and we'd end up telling this whole silly tale to our grandkids over pasta primavera at the Olive Garden." "Was that you being lovable?" "Yes, it was." "But she won't marry you?" "So you want to enforce the penalty clause." "A hundred thousand dollars." "Mr. Stevens." "Lisa, why did you enter into this contract?" "Because I was out of my blooming gourd." "And because you found me lovable." "Keyword... found." "That'll come back, baby." "Trust me." "May I?" "Continue, Mr. Stevens." "Thank you." "Lisa entered into this contract for the exact same reason that Brad did." "They wanted to take all the risk out of love and relationships." "They wanted a guarantee, with a 150-page legal document, that things would all work out, but it doesn't work that way." "When it comes to affairs of the heart, rules don't work." "What about a pre- nuptial agreement?" "Sure, to divide things on the way out, not on the way in." "Me neither, but..." "I've worn out a few dozen copies of the soundtrack and there's a song on there that reminds me of you two." "May I?" "( clearing throat )" "♪ You say ♪" "♪ He only hears what he wants to ♪" "♪ You say ♪" "♪ He talks so all the time ♪" "♪ So... ♪" "♪ Walter thought that Mike was simple ♪" "♪ Mike thought that he didn't belong ♪" "♪ And then when you faked your death ♪" "♪ You know you had done something wrong ♪" "♪ 'Cause he missed you ♪" "♪ Yeah, he missed you ♪" "♪ So I turned... ♪ ♪ ...the radio on ♪" "♪ I turned the radio up and Toby Gibbons was ♪" "♪ Singing my song ♪" "♪ Walter's in love and Mikey's run away ♪" "♪ Walter was crying 'cause Mikey won't stay ♪" "That's enough!" "I'm done!" "Oh, come on, Walter, sing a little bit." "It's good for you." "He's right, Walter, you really ought to 'cause it'll feel so good to air it out." "No, I've had all I can take, you washed-out, dough- faced, ignoramus." "I don't care what happens to this practice as long as I don't ever have to speak to you again, you pasty, beady-eyed, marshmallow-brained..." "Call him an animal." "You're a possum!" "I'm not an opossum." "Get out!" "( clearing throat )" "Well." "This is my decision." "Obviously Miss Barnes can't be forced to marry someone." "That's simply not done in this country." "Which leaves us with a fairly cut-and-dried breach-of-contract case." "Because of the precision with which this agreement was crafted" "I do believe that" "Mr. Campbell is due compensation." "However, a hundred thousand dollars seems excessive to me." "Therefore, I'm ruling that Miss Barnes pay Mr. Campbell the amount of $500..." "Just enough to cover a few dates with a prospective new bride." "Eh." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "All right, thanks." "This will be the best money I've ever spent." "Want to grab a cup of coffee?" "I really don't." "Michael Burton!" "Walter Jerome!" "Get your white-coated butts out here now!" "Well, Mrs. Burton, how nice to..." "Sit down, both of you." "Toby Gibbons might be afraid of you boys, but I am not and I am here to give you my solemn promise that if you two don't start getting along right now" "I will murder you both in cold blood." "Michael," "I will strangle you in your sleep." "Dr. Jerome," "I will break into your house under cover of night and I will beat you senseless with my bare fists." "Do you understand the words I'm saying?" "You two are equal partners." "Get it?" "Equal." "That means you compromise on everything starting with this sign." "Do you like it?" "I hope so 'cause the alternative is death." "Now... get back to work." "Both of you." "Go!" "Always a pleasure, Mrs. Burton." "'Bye, honey." "Mike." "I made your letters an eighth inch bigger." "Shh." "( butt slap )" "Get back to work." "Everyone gone?" "Yeah." "Well, I'm going to take off, too." "Okay." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Okay." "Ed." "Yeah." "You were right today." "About what?" "What you said about rules." "They don't work when it comes to, uh, affairs of the heart, as they say." "Look, Frankie..." "I'm sorry about the way I behaved." "No, no, I'm the one who's sorry." "You know, I was..." "I'm sorry, I was..." "I was acting like..." "So I guess it's just too hard sharing an office." "Huh?" "I guess so." "So, you think we'll be back to normal tomorrow?" "Or still awkward?" "Say we start off awkward and shoot for normal by lunchtime." "Sounds like a plan." "Okay." "Okay." "You know, I just think that... tomorrow's going to be actually really, really awkward." "Why is that?"