"So it's 6 pm in the night time which is when I wake up." "This is always really scary part for me." "Yes!" "Night time." "So, now I'm going to wake up my flat mates." "I really love living in a flatting situation." "Wake up!" "Wake up everyone!" "I like to hang out with other vampires." "I like the company." "Awaken!" "A wakey, wakey!" "I just really like having a good time with my friends." "Deacon..." "Hi!" "Hey!" "Deacon..." "How was your night, last night?" "I transformed into a dog and had sex." "Cool!" "We're gonna have a little flat-meeting in the kitchen in about 15 minutes, okay?" " Okay." " Okay." " Should I close this?" " Yes." "Vladislav?" "!" "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "What?" " Hey!" " What time is it?" "Umm, we're going to have a flat-meeting in about 10 minutes." "Twenty." "Okay... is it..." "So we're in Petyr's room." "I'm just going to wake him up." "Petyr?" "Petyr!" "Petyr, wake up." "Hey, listen." "We're just having a flat-meeting upstairs in about 10 minutes." "You don't have to come but I thought I'd extend an invitation to you just in case." "Umm..." "There's a lot of stuff on the floor down here Petyr, and like this seems, I don't..." "Ah!" "It's a spinal column, yuck!" "And I was thinking, maybe I just should bring a broom down here for you if you wanted to sweep up some of the skeletons." "I don't know." "You know..." "Okay." "I got you this chicken." "Is Petyr coming?" " Should we wait?" " Petyr's eight thousand years old." "We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting." "Okay, so..." "Wanted to have a quick chat about flat responsibilities because.." "uh... guys I think that we're not all pulling our weight here." "We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon." "You're a cool guy but you're not pulling your weight in the flat." "Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool." " No, that's not the point though..." " Yeah, no, I know, I know..." "It's not a flat meeting about how cool you are." " I do my flat chores." " No, you don't!" "Yes, I do." "No, that's why we're having the flat-meeting." "The point is Deacon that you have not done the dishes for 5 years." "Vladislav is right." "It's unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over this bench like that..." "I'm so embarrassed when people come over here." "Why does it matter?" "You bring them over, you kill them!" "Vampires don't do dishes." "Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire." "He's always doing crazy things." "Saying crazy things." "He's just like the young, bad boy of the group." "Okay, so..." "One day I was selling my wares..." "And I walked passed this old creepy castle." "and I look at it and think 'very old and creepy.'" "And then this creature flies at me!" "It dragged me back to this dark dungeon." "And bit into my neck." "And just at the point of death this creature forced me to suck its foul blood." "And then it opened it's wings, like this." "And hovered above me... screeching... ah!" "Haha-haa!" "'Now you are vampire.'" "And it was Petyr." "And we're still friends today." "Vlad, you were great." "You put out the recycling." "Which was really cool." "And!" ".." "The other day, I dragged mans body down the hallway, and noticed that there was no dust." "Like, I kind of..." "I kind of swept the hallway." "Vladislav, is just like this older vampire who grew up in the medieval times." "And you know, to be living this long and to have seen the things that he's seen and still like, kind of have it together," "I mean, hat's off to him." "Bloody hell!" "Sorry!" "He's a really great guy." "A bit a of a pervert." "He has some pretty old ideas about things." "We should get some slaves!" "When I first became a vampire I was quite tyrannical." "I was known for torturing a lot of people." "This is my torture chamber." "I don't come in here, often anymore." "I tended to torture when I was in a bad place." "My thing was, I would poke someone with implements." "I was known as 'Vladislav The Poker'." "It's been like this the whole time..." " Okay, so..." " Viago is a little pedantic." "The washing and the rubbish, I did that." "Deacon, on dishes and it still hasn't moved in 5 years." "He was an 18th century dandy." "So, he can be very fussy." "He nags and nags in the lounge the other day, and there was blood all over my nice antique couch." "Which one, the red one?" "Well, it's red now, yeah." "If you're going to eat a victim on my nice clean couch put down some newspaper on the floor and some towels." "It's not hard to do." "We're vampires!" "We don't put down towels." "Some vampires do." "Well, not serious ones!" "When you get 4 vampires in a flat obviously there's going to be a lot of tension." "There's tension in any, any flatting situation." "It's settled then." "We all do our jobs, starting with a certain Deacon..." " I will do my dishes!" " Good then!" "This is bullshit." "I uh, became a vampire when I was 16." "That is why I always look 16." "In those days, of course, life was tough for a 16 year old." "Vampires have had a pretty bad rap." "We're not these mopey old creatures who live in castles." "And while some, most of us are, a lot are... but..." "There are also those of us, who like to flat together in really small countries like New Zealand." "I was a..." "Nazi vampire." "After the war, which the Nazi's lost..." "I don't know, if you know that the Nazi's lost that war." "If you were a Nazi, after the war and if you were a vampire and if you were a Nazi vampire..." "No way." "I was out of there." "Yah, I came to this country for love." "Uh, there was a girl." "Human girl." "And I thought she was fantastic." "She was absolutely amazing." "I was smitten." "Her family emigrated to New Zealand." "And, I thought, 'you know what, to hell with it." "I'm gonna go." "I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel.'" "I told my servant Phillip," "'Send me to New Zealand.'" "He put the wrong postage on my coffin." "So the whole journey took about 18 months." "And when I got here, she had found someone else." "She had fallen in love." "And..." "She was married." "She gave me this before she left." "There she is." "And that's me, I put myself in there too." "She told me it was pure silver." "Unfortunately we vampires cannot wear silver." "Yeah..." "It's about as long as I can wear that." "Tonight, we are going out into Wellington Central." "It is important that we look good." "Yeah, it's really good." "Yeah." "One of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection is that you don't know exactly what you look like." "Look!" "Look!" "A ghost cup!" "Floating all by itself!" "We can give each other feedback and help each other out until we're looking great." "Yes, some of our clothes are from victims." "We might bite someone and then you think, 'Ooh, those are some nice pants!" "'." " Do work these?" " No!" "Change it!" "When you are a vampire, you become very sexy." "We are trying to attract victims to us." "Not sure about the waist coat." "I go for a look which I call Dead But Delicious." "We are the bait." "But we're also the trap." "Hello ladies." "And my love, we are ready to go into town and party!" "Vampire... vampire style." "When we go into town, we must try to blend in." "Just walking the streets." "Coming into town." "Um, it's really cool because just for one brief moment" "I feel..." "Homos!" "The trouble with being a vampire is you have to be invited in, to go in." "We would like to come into the bar, please." " Invite us into the bar, please." " $5... you can walk in." "Will you invite us in!" "If the humans find out what we were they would destroy us." "There are between 60 and 70 vampires in the greater Wellington region." " Obvious vampire." " Joline!" "Hello!" "How embarrassing." "He's um... a guy I used to work with when I was human." " Is he gone?" " Yeah, he's gone." "I've been draining him all night." "I've been a very thirsty girl." "Hey guys!" "Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl you're always going to look the same age." "What are you doing tonight?" "Are you going to kill some perverts?" " Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile." " Cool." "Okay, let's just go to Big Kumara." " Have a good night, guys!" " Yeah, you have a good night, bye." "The Big Kumara is vampire owned and operated, and so we can always get in." "It's the hottest night spot for vampires in Wellington." " Come on in, guys, come on in." " Thank you." "Thanks." "Perhaps you could bring some people to the house." " Sure." " Perhaps some virgins?" "Virgins?" "Yep, okay." "Any kind of preference in terms of gender or?" "Maybe some ladies?" "Yep." "Ladies." "Perhaps a guy?" "One of each?" "One of each will be cool." "My relationship with Deacon is well, I'm his familiar." "He's my Master." "He tells me what to do, I do it." "We have that kind of master/servant relationship which works nicely; actually." " Hello!" " Hello." "Oh, it's a little bit of blood." "Um, my husband, he's a..." "...he's a haemophiliac." "You know, someone that bleeds a lot." "Yep." "Any kind of age range?" " Young." " But not, not kids?" "Not kids." "18 to 30?" "Definitely younger than yourself." "Okay, so 18 to 30." "So it's a dinner party?" " I'll be there?" " Yes!" " You'll be there!" " Dinner Party!" " The guys will be there?" " Yes!" " We'll all be there?" " Yes, we will dress up..." " Ok, great." " ...and then... eat them." " Okay.." " Should be fun." " ...great." "I was just wondering if we could talk about the um..." "Do you know of a night... dentist?" "Because I have this thing here." "I was just wondering if we could talk about the... the deal." " Hm?" " The deal?" " The dishes?" " No, no, the... you know, the..deal?" "The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life." "Um, which is very exciting." "Well, I just feel like I kind of reached my potential and" "I wouldn't wanna, kind of, get any older before, I kinda..." "I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that I can be." "Yes... relax." "It's just that it's been 4 1/2 years and I just... but it's..." "I'm doing your pot plants and" "I'm doing your dry-cleaning." "Now I'm doing your dishes and I'm doing..." "And the dentist?" "And the dentist, and it's just taking an awful long time, so I was just wondering..." " Be gone!" " Okay." " I see you later!" " Okay." "One of the most unfortunate things about being a vampire is that you have to drink human blood." "I like to make a real evening of it." "Lovely!" "Play some music." "Maybe give them some nice wine." "It's their last moment alive so why not make it a nice experience?" "So..." "Tell we what you do, what do you..." "I'm thinking about going back to Uni, actually." "Oh, you are?" "Put that... over there." "University, yah?" "Yeah, but after that, I'm gonna travel." "Yeah..." "I've really wanted to go overseas for ages, so... saving up and I'm gonna go to Spain and" "Italy and London and..." "Yeah." "Okay." "Excuse me." "Just put that there." "There we go." "Shit!" "Well, that didn't go so great." "Um, I hit the main artery." "So, yeah, it's a real mess in there, um..." "On the upside, I think she had a really good time." "So, it's quite late and uh..." "I've managed to find a woman up, watching television." "And, uh, she seems like she'd be a good victim." "I'm just going to use hypnosis on her..." "See me..." "See me..." "She can't, she can't see me from that angle." "Vladislav used to be extremely powerful." "He could hypnotize crowds of people." "Great orgies." "Twenty, thirty women." "He could turn into all sorts of animals." "But now he never get the faces right." "He would kill anybody." "Men, women." "Children." "Burning... everything." "It was totally great." "But he suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of his arch nemesis The Beast." "And, he's never been the same." "See me..." "See me..." "See me..." "See me..." "Would you like to come inside?" " Jackie, welcome!" " Hello" "Come in!" "This is Nick." "Ex-ex boyfriend." " And Josefine." " Nice house." "And this is Deacon, my overseas friend from, Europe." "Deacon and his friends need victims." "Hi!" "Please come in, welcome." "They can't be people that I actually envious them or like because of course they will become victims." "Hi!" "Josefine?" "No, I sat next to you in English." "Remember?" "Um, you used to call me the Jaxorcist?" "No you did, no you did." "Yeah." "No, you started that." "You were the one who started calling me that and then everyone and then it kind of caught on." "Yeah." "Okay, bye then." "Bye." "She's in." "Do you like that, Nick?" "Yep, that's nice." "I will go and prepare dinner." "Nick, are you a virgin at all?" "Um, what?" "Doesn't seem like... are, are you a virgin?" " Yes." " Um, no." "I knew it." "You were a virgin when we were seeing each other?" "Yeah, I was twelve." "You said he was a virgin." "I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool." "I think of it like this..." "If you're going to eat a sandwich.." "You will just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it." "Let's concentrate on Josefine then." "Are you a virgin?" "I'm not, no." "Okay, I'm really sorry." "Because I totally... pinned her as a Virgin." "She looks like a virgin." "She talks like a virgin, I mean..." "Who would have sex with her?" "I wouldn't." "I would." "Oh." "Okay, good..." " there's 2 dinners... yum." " Nick?" "Do you like bisghetti?" "Uh... yep." "I usually like it." "But, be better if it was warm?" "So, this is my favorite trick." "We present our guest with a plate of bisghetti." "And then, I would say, ' Why don't you eat some bisghetti?" "'" "Please, Nick." "Eat some bisghetti." "I didn't realize you enjoyed eating worms." "Nick." " No... no!" " They are worms." " Fuck off!" "There's worms moving around on my plate." " It is worm like but not actually worms." " It is really bisghetti!" "We stole that idea from The Lost Boys." "But I put a nice twist on it." "Nick?" "How does it feel to have a snake for a penis?" "Jackie?" "My penis has disappeared." "It's a cobra snake." "Nobody's gonna mistake your penis for a cobra, Nick, okay?" " Believe you me." " What have you put in my bisghetti?" "Now it is just a..normal penis." "I'm out." "I'm out." "Josefine?" "Do you like bisghetti?" "Look, these freaks spike my bisghetti, make my cock turn into a snake is not cool." "Not cool." "You don't think this is weird?" "For fuck's sake..." "Jackie?" "!" "Jackie!" " Sorry Nick." " What are you doing?" "!" "Jackie!" "Shit!" "Fuck off." "Where am I?" "Fuck." "Fuck!" "Freaks!" "Ah, no..." "Petyr got him." "Poor guy..." "Who let Petyr out?" "Hey, guys!" "Hey, what are you guys doing?" "What are you doing, Nick?" "Come into the house." " Hi, my name is Nick." " Hey, guys." "I've been a vampire for 2 months." "Probably, I reckon the best thing about being a vampire is flying." "Like I've always wanted to, I think everyone has always wanted to fly." "And now I can do it." "No..." "Nick, why don't you use the front door?" "Why would I?" "I'm flying." "Petyr bit me." "Sucked all my blood out." "I woke up in his basement and he offered me some blood." "I just thought it was something some German thing that these guys do." "The transition, into becoming a vampire was pretty hard." "I looked like shit to start off with, like, I had a massive gash on my neck." "Like you could see the inside of my neck." "I had blood all over my top." "And then I came home and I was sweating." "I was either really hot or really cold." "It was like a hang-over times ten, I reckon." "It was really bad." "It was quite similar to having the flu." "Except, the only difference would probably be that my eyes bleed heaps." "Are you guys not cold?" "I don't know, I can't really explain it." "It's like, just yeah, real hot and cold and like bloody eyes and flying and stuff." "The neighbors can see you flying around the house." "You want to draw attention to this house, hm?" "You got a whole..." "documentary crew following you around." "I am doing an erotic dance for my friends." "And you ruined it." "I was in the zone." "My friends are loving it." "I love it." "I saw the end of it." "It looked great." "I don't, I don't know if I'm..." "being, if I'm accepted yet." "But..." "I don't know." "I think it's getting there." "I don't know the oldest stuff, but they're quite naive when it comes to the real world." "So..." "I don't know, it would be cool to just..." "Hang out with them." "They could teach me some stuff." "But I could probably teach them a few things." "At the start it was like, 'Oh no, like I'm..' '..." "I'm dead.'" "It kind of affected my friendship with normal people, my family and stuff." "But, of the way I see it, I've got a whole new family." "They accept me for who I am." "And I accept them for who they are." "Even though one of them killed me." "Where should we go tonight?" "Let's go to the Big Kumara." "Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?" "We never get in to Boogie Wonderland." "My friend Richard's the bouncer." "He can get us in." " What?" "Really?" " He'll invite us in." " Stu's keen, Stu loves it." " Cool, that's two." "Ah, this is my friend Stu." " Hey." " He works in computers and stuff." "Originally he went out with my sister." "And then they broke up." "I don't really give a..." "It's got nothing to do with me." "And um... you can't hear me." "Yeah, so basically..." "Stu, he doesn't know that I'm a vampire." "And he doesn't know that my friends are vampires." "He just thinks that I've just met some colourful friends." "I brought him around to the house and they all thought I brought... like a meal for everyone." "It's just like it really, really sucks that I can't eat him." "I just want to like..." "Look at it." "He's the reddest guy I know." "Right, you can hear me." "Yeah, you like computer based stuff, hey, mainly?" "Yeah, yeah." " Geo databases." " Yeah, like computers mainly." "Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland or The Big Kumara?" "Big Kumara!" "Great." "Careful Stu, hurry up." "I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire." "He's such a dick." " How are you brother!" " Looking great man!" "Gentlemen!" "...you are most welcome!" "We're in Boogie Wonderland!" "So here we are at Boogie Wonderland and it is so much fun." " They have an electric floor - This is amazing!" "I'm just so happy to be here." "This place is pretty cheesy." "Also, did you see the jacket he wore?" "He's wearing the same jacket as me." " It's not exactly the same." " It's pretty close." "Awesome night." "I'm just loving being a vampire at the moment." "Over there, is the big Fat Lady's Arms." "Ah, on Wednesday's there'll be, like a fear factor competition." "You can win like t-shirts and hats and spot prizes." "I can smell werewolves." "Okay, we're just about to walk past some werewolves so some shit might go down!" "Look out guys." "Don't catch fleas." " What's that, mate?" " Deacon." " Sorry what?" " Keep going, keep walking." "Keep walking!" "We heard that mate." "We've got sensitive hearing." " Have you?" " Yeah." "What are you filming?" "Some music video, is it?" " We don't want any trouble." " I do!" " Why did you start it?" " Have I got your heckles up?" "Huh?" "Why don't you go smell your own crotches, huh?" " Come on Deacon, stop it." " What are you talking about?" "We don't smell our own crotches." "We smell each others crotches." "And it's a, form of... greeting." "Your on camera, mate, don't, don't do it..." "What?" "It's okay, cause I know this guy." "It's count Fagula." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Don't swear." " Sorry... they... they..." " We're werewolves." " Not swearwolves." " What are we?" "We're werewolves, not swearwolves." "No, listen to Anton, that's offensive..." "That's a really offensive word to call people." "Well, at least you're talking about a bundle of sticks." "Chase this bundle of sticks..." "Werewolves!" "Don't get it!" "No, no, it's not real..." "Nathan, it's not real." "He's just gonna take of his gloves." "Ah, shit, man!" "What the fuck you do that for?" "Hey!" "Don't swear." "We're gonna lose it." "We're gonna lose it." " Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " Hey." "Calm down." "Calm down!" " Oh shit, I've still got my glasses on!" " Dion!" "Dion!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Do the breathing!" "Do the breathing." "Do the breathing." "Count to ten mate." "Count to ten." " Come on." " Hold it." "Count to ten, human again." " Ten, human again." " It's alright." "It's not full moon." "Thanks a lot guys." " Enjoy your night, yeah?" " You should be ashamed of yourselves, man." "Great, we didn't want this to happen." " Come on guys." " Hey!" "Say it!" "Don't spray it, bitch!" "Declan!" " Why are you swearing all the time?" "!" " Well, he riled me out..." " Were they actually werewolves?" " Yeah." "Are you okay, Stu?" "I just don't really know how to approach this, cause I never done it before." "Um, and he is a good friend." "And I don't wanna..." "I don't wanna break that friendship but then again, what do you do when someone tells you, that they're a vampire?" "I'm expecting him to be angry." "He might be scared and expecting a lot of things to, to bubble to the surface." "You probably noticed it's been..." "I've been going through a few changes lately." " Yeah." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "Like..." "I don't show up for lunch anymore." " Yeah." " How I've changed all our, all our tennis games to night time tennis games." "Right..." "And how you went from beating me every time and now how I" "I've won the last three?" "Yeah." "So..." "The reason I brought you here is to tell you that I'm a vampire." "Stu took it pretty well." "He's definitely my best mate." "And I'm not gonna eat him." "But if they ever offer you bisghetti..." "Um... you shouldn't eat it." "I think they offered me biscotti." "Vampire mates don't eat human mates." "And no matter how much I want to eat him I will never eat him cause he's my mate." " Hey Stu?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Stu is great." "We really like him." "At first I wanted to kill him." "But now I'm glad I've spent the time to get to know him." "Yeah, of course he looks delicious with his big red cheeks." "But we've all got an agreement that we're not going to eat Stu." " Right?" " Right." "The guys upstairs, they're..." "...they're loving him." "That's..." "at the start, they were a bit," "'Who's this human you're bringing into the house?" "'" "But it took them literally two minutes and they like him more than they like me, I reckon." "I'm knitting a scarf for Stu." "Try and attack." "Use your legs." "Wow." " Step back and block..." " Punching high." " Yep." " High." "Yep." "I'm just, what I'm trying to say is cause I know that you you turned me into a vampire." "Maybe don't do that to him." "He's a... vegetarian." "Last thing he'd want to do is eat a live being or eat blood or eat meat..." " I am controlling this." " Get it, get it!" "It's quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward if you're not paying attention." "One message received." "There is a crucifix behind you." "So, down on that one, like, half way down and we'll focus it." "Maybe smile." " Anything you want to find, you..." " Yeah." " You can type your name here." " I've lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912." "Yes, now Google it." "Stu is the first human friend that I've had for long time." "With humans there's a tendency to die." "Yeah." "We can look at her photos." " Ah, oh yes." " Or we can poke her." "Yes." "Can we see a movie with sunrise?" " What?" "Shit!" " Whoo..." "Nice..." "If you push images, then we can see pictures of virgins." " Ah, yes." "Yes." " Yah, yah..." "I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that." "There he is, yeah." "This is my old servant, Phillip." " So, we're gonna call him." " Yeah." "And screen..." "My God, that's him, that's him, that's him, that's Phillip, that's Phillip." " He looks so old." "Yeah, kind of like Google Maps, but like, more..." "more layers of information." "The movie Twilight, have you seen it?" "Okay, I'm the main guy in Twilight." "You now the main guy?" "Twilight?" "That's me." "There's cameras following me around." "They could have chosen anyone." "How many people have you told you're are a vampire?" " Not many." " I heard that girl talking about it you said you're a vampire!" "Yeah, I told her." " Who else?" " Who did you tell?" "Uh, I told her hot friend." "You can't tell everyone that you're a vampire." "Who's that guy?" "I don't know but I trust him." " You can't tell everyone." " I won't." "Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition." "What's wrong with them?" "Um, vampire eyes." "Can't go into the sun." "Oh my God, are they your fangs?" "For real?" "For real, real." "Too real, real." "I'm a vampire." " You're a vampire?" " Yeah." " I'm a vampire hunter mate." " No you're not." " I am!" " You fucking piece of shit." "I'll Skype you!" "I float." " I can transform into stuff." " Same." " No you can't." " Yeah." "I'll show you." "You show me." "You show me some of your vampire stuff." "What have I got?" "Um..." "Don't lie about transforming into shit." " Twilight!" " Shut up Nick!" "You're not Twilight." " What's your problem?" " You are my problem." "Telling the world that we are vampires." "And I'll tell the whole world that you're an asshole now as well." "Shut up!" " Shut up!" " Guys?" " You shut up!" " No, you shut up!" " No, you shut up." " You shut up." "I'm Dracula, man!" " You're not Dracula!" " I'm Dracula!" "You don't even know who Dracula is!" "You idiot!" " Ooh, bat fight!" " Bat fight!" "Oh, yah, yah, yah!" "Ah, Deacon!" "That wasn't fair, man!" "My fucking jacket, man!" "I don't care about your stupid jacket." " Deacon!" " You okay man?" " Hey Stu?" " Mmm-hmm?" "How's your worms?" "Alright." "You're eating worms." "Can you do that shit when you turn them into worms?" "No." "Doesn't work on chips." "Only works on things that already look like worms." " Maybe noodles." "Do you want some noodles?" " He knows now." "Oh no." "I wouldn't eat that." "Why?" "Are you okay Nick?" "Alright?" "He ate a chip." "I can't eat solids now, great." "I can't sunbathe." "I can't watch daytime TV." "I can if I... yeah I guess I could." "More, more than anything, just the chips." "My favorite food." "I can't eat chips." "I don't... it's just..." "I hate..." "I'll say it." "I'm over being a vampire." "It's shit." "So, don't, don't believe the hype." "Jackie?" "!" "Jackie, can I come in please?" " Okay, off to bed guys!" " Hello children!" "Don't look at the man." "I hate it when you look at the man." "Natasha, don't look at the man!" "I was going to bite you tonight." "Really?" "But now I can't because there's this Nick being a vampire." "Sorry, sorry, I thought you killed him 2 months ago." "No, I didn't... no... he's a vampire." "What do you mean?" "He jumped in front of your place." "All I'm saying is that, um..." "You know if I had a penis, I would have been..." "I would have been bitten years ago." "I may have to penalize you." "Perhaps another couple of years." "Perhaps 10 years." "Hmm?" "Like one big circle, just biting each others dicks." "You know, they don't even wear shirts, they wear blouses." "It's, it's just a big homo-erotic dick biting club." "And I'm stuck here, ironing their fucking frills." "Also clean the bathroom, please." "There's blood everywhere." "It is gruesome." "Okay." "See you tomorrow." "Off to bed please." "Katherine." "She was so charming and nice." "She was everything I wanted." "Unfortunately yeah, she was married." "Sure, I wanted to kill the guy." "I thought about, chopping his head off." "Draining him of every drop of blood that he had." "Who wouldn't?" "But then, I also saw how happy she was." "And that made me kind of happy." "And I didn't want to ruin it for her, so..." "I did the honorable thing and I just stepped back." "And let her live her life." "Petyr!" "Petyr!" "Where is it?" "Petyr!" "Petyr!" "Petyr!" "Get water!" " Get out of the sunlight!" " Get water!" "Get water!" "Get water!" "Petyr, get away from the sunlight!" "Get in the shadows, Petyr!" "Get out of the sunlight!" "Get out of my way!" "I'm going in!" "I'm coming Petyr!" " Deacon, no, it's sunlight!" " I'm coming for you!" "It's sunlight out there!" "It's sunlight!" "It's sunlight." "I was too late." "Turn that thing off." "Our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident." "So this is what I think happened." "The vampire hunter has broken through the window, here." "Has impacted the table." "Breaking the table leg." "Then he has come this way." "Towards the tomb." "Crucifix!" "Cover the crucifix!" "And then Petyr has burst from the tomb." "Pushed the tomb lid on to the vampire hunter." "And then the sunlight has come through here." "And burned Petyr alive." "I think this is just a table leg, which is sanded down." " Do you think he hand sanded that, or?" " Yes." "Imagine that, stuck in you..." "It's quite shocking down here, Nick." "Look, here's our sweet Petyr." " Fuck!" " Burnt to a sizzle." " I can't figure out this." " This is the vampire hunter." "Is this his front?" " Uh, who's this guy?" " Look at his bloody head, all back to front." "Twist it the other way, the other way!" "Let's see who this guy is." " Uh!" ", typical macho type." " Yuck!" "It is." "Oh, shit!" "I know that guy..." " ...actually." " You know him?" " Yeah." " What?" "I saw him the other night in town." "Told him I was a vampire." "What?" "I thought he was joking." "He said he was a vampire hunter." "You let a vampire hunter into our house?" "I didn't let him in, I just gave him my e-mail." "Nick!" "I'll tear out your tongue and shove it down your ass." "Fucking hell!" "You killed Petyr with your big mouth!" "It was a mistake!" "Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man." "We can talk about this, okay?" "We can talk about this!" " I'll kill you!" " I'm already dead!" "Stu, stay back!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Someone's at the door, shh!" "I'll go, I'll go.." "Oh shit." " Good evening, sir." " Hello police." "Hi, I'm constable O'Leary." "This is constable Minogue." "We're just responding to a report of a possible forced entry and also a rather large amount of shrieking." "Just, um, wondering maybe we could come in and just have a wee look around?" "Okay." "What's with the fellow?" "What's with the um, camera?" "Yeah, we're obviously just here cause there was a phone call from the, a member of the public, um, about a bit of disturbance." "Um, some loud noises." " Possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?" " Mmm..." "And, also, maybe a bit of smoke coming out, so..." "We're just checking over the scene." "Making sure every thing's, uh..." "You know, above board, so to speak, and, uh..." "Making sure no-one's in danger, that kind of thing." "We might go up and have a wee look up there, if that's alright with you?" " Come on mate, you lead the way." " Just uh... part of the job." "Yep!" "Okay." " Smells a bit weird in here too, mate." " Yeah." "What do you call that?" "Barbecue." "You will not notice anything out of the ordinary." "No, we certainly hope not." "Let's just lets just keep going." " Hi there guys." "How are yah?" " Hello." "Hey fellas." "Um, is this the room where we've heard all the shouting coming from?" "That was me." "Yeah, okay, we've had a couple reports, okay?" "There's a couple of people not all that happy about" " the level of the noise here." " Okay." "You can't be screaming when there's this many people around mate." "You've got neighbors on either side." "Feeling nervous." "I've hypnotized those cops." "I'm not a great hypnotizer so it could wear off any second." "I really hope that those guys don't kill those police because then this means more police will come." "Possibly even Christians which is totally the last things we need in this house." "I can see you're having a good time." "End of the day we got to keep the, uh, the peace, okay?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." "See what I'm seeing?" "What's that Minogue?" "You're joking?" "Not a smoke alarm in sight." "No smoke detectors, mate?" "Rule number 1:" "Smoke detectors." "Okay." "Rule number 2:" "maybe not so many barbeque's inside." " Sort it out fellas." " Okay." "Barbeque smells really strong down here, isn't it?" "What kind of marinade?" " What kind of marinade you use?" " Who is this guy?" "Um..." "It's a friend who came to our party." "Mate, you alright?" " He's drunk." " That's what I thought." "Drunk guy." "Look, you can't just leave him down here like that, okay?" "This guy's not having a good time." "He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning." "Well, his soul is in hell, so don't worry." "Well, I don't know where his soul is, but all I am saying is, where's his blanket?" "There's a big slab of concrete on him." " Yeah." " You can move that." "It's definitely not going to be comfortable." " Anything else, in here Minogue?" " No, I've seen enough." " Okay." " Hang on a minute." "What have we got here?" " Yeah, what is that?" " This?" " Oh, this?" " You can see this clearly as I can." "Adhesive, mate." "That's a flammable." " And then you got a lamp on top of that." " Gee...!" "Directly underneath the power source." " That is quite bad." " It's very bad." " It's a very bad combination" " And no smoke detectors again are there?" " No." " Yes, there are." " Yes, there are." " Okay, there are." "Lots to think about guys." " Yeah, lots to think about there guys." " Next flat-meeting, yeah." "Yeah, good thinking, that's the thing, just..." " ...have a bit of dialogue about it." " Okay." " They've got a really good point." " Wait!" "Let's kill them." " No..." " Well, let's just see what other safety points they have and then maybe we can." "I call into session, this trial of Nick, of Wellington." "Read the charges." "Problems we have with Nick." "Number 1:" "You brought a human into our house." "Which is a big no-no in the vampire world." "Stu is, Stu is okay though?" "Yeah, Stu is fine, so I guess we'll just cross that one out." "Uh..." " Thank you Stu." " Thank you Stu." "So..." "The new number 1:" "Nick's been telling people he's a vampire." "That in turn resulted in... an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter." "Crime number 2:" "This is quite a biggie, Nick." "The vampire hunter who killed Petyr." "That's... that actually should've..." "that should have been crime number one but we wanted to build up to that." "Number 3:" "Deacon doesn't like that you wear the same jackets as him." "And he would like you to find your own original style." "For these crimes of which we the vampire council find you guilty you should be banished from our flat indefinitely." " Indefinitely." " Indefinitely." "So I can come back?" "One day?" "No, no, indefinitely means, there is no end." "I thought there was like..." "No, indefinite means that it's not a definite thing." " It can be changed" " Yeah, but it's long." "Could be tomorrow, it could be 6 months." " No!" "No, it is not tomorrow!" " It cannot be tomorrow!" " Forget about it, at least 6 moths." " Banished!" "You are banished." "But Stu, you can visit if you like." "Thank you." "For your crimes you will be made to suffer the procession of shame." "I asked them Nick, I asked them not to pass that sentence." "We should do this immediately." " In my opinion." " You didn't ask." "You didn't ask." "You were saying yes." " I did..." " Well, this is what's going to happen." "I still think it's quite extreme." "Let us do the procession of shame." "Now." " Shame." " Shame!" "Shame." "Shame." "Shame!" "Shame!" " Shame." " Bad vampire!" "Shame." "Should we go Stu?" "Bye Stu." "That was a shame." "So today we have, an invitation." "To the big event of the year." "Breaking it open." "They have burnt the edges..." " ..." "like a treasure map or something." " It looks very authentic, doesn't it?" "'Dearly departed...'" "That's us." "'The Wellington Vampire Association in conjunction with the" "Lower Hut Vampire Witch Club and the Kuori Zombie Society... invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade on the night of the 6th of June starting at 6 PM.'" " 666..." " Oh, yeah..." "The Unholy Masquerade of course is great time for the undead community of Wellington." "There's zombies there." "Vampires, banshees, all having a dance together." "It's always a big deal for me." "Love it." "One year I went to The Unholy Masquerade dressed as" "Whoopi Goldberg from uh, Sister Act 1 and Sister Act 2:" "Back in the Habit." "Didn't go down so well because she was a nun." "Vampires don't like nuns." "Of course the big deal of The Unholy Masquerade is that every year they announce the guest of honor." "And... um..." "I don't know if I should be saying this but..." "I heard a little rumor that the guest of honor this year might be me." "The location..." " Oh, yeah, where is it?" " Where's the location?" "Cathedral of Despair." "And the guest of honor will be..." "Who is it?" "Show me." "Hmm." "Okay." "Okay." " Okay." "Okay, that's fine." "That's fine." " Okay?" "Vladislav has just had a reaction to the information that the guest of honor will be um..." "The Beast." "The darkest part of my mind is reserved to The Beast." "We could tell you a thing or two about The Beast." "You should pray that you never have to see The Beast." "This one is called The Beast." "And I said, 'Get you hands off my balls, Beast!" "'" "He may have told you some stories about his great battle with The Beast." "Yeah, oh, 'I fought The Beast on a cliff.'" "Oh... 'I fought The Beast in a swamp.'" "'One time I fought The Beast in the toilets of a night club.'" "Difficult battle." "I hope you never see The Beast." "The Beast." "You can't go to the the ball as Blade." "He's a vampire hunter." "Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes." "No, it's inappropriate." "Okay, Vlad?" "The Green Jaunters, or the black leather with the dragon belt?" "Just wear the pants you want to wear..." " We're having a mild crisis here." " which pants do you want to wear?" "Just look at the pants Vlad!" "Turn around  look at the pants!" "They're just pants!" " Shit, man!" " Holy shit!" "Oh, you look terrible." "The black pants." "Thank you." "Get dressed!" "I don't know if I feel up to it, really." "You don't look that great but if you eat someone on the way... and rejuvenate a little bit?" "You could probably wear a mask or something." "Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the Internet!" "What are you biding on?" "I'm bidding on a table." " Are you coming or not?" " Not." "I'm gonna go change." "We're leaving in 10 minutes." "Have a good time!" "We, we tend often, you know..." "without giving into that kind of... stuff which I'm really sick of that but you know..." "It just that, it's harder for us to chase... chase people down." "Can I, Can I introduce um..." " Gary..." "Gary and Alisha." " Hi, how are you?" "Hi." " Hi." " Less groaning, less groaning guys." "So we are at The Unholy Masquerade." "It's great." "This is my mask." "Which I made for the occasion." "Hey!" " Jackie." " Yeah!" " This is undead party." " Yeah, I'm a vampire." "You have your?" ".." "I'm a vampire." "I'm a vampire!" " Great." " Yeah, yeah." " So, um, who bit you?" " Oh, Nick." " Oh great." " Yeah." " Right" "Okay." "Deacon!" "Pretty rude, because she was my servant." "She was a pretty useless servant." " I wouldn't-- worry about that." " Yeah, yeah, but still, I would've been appreciated if you'd asked..." "How's Stu?" " He's good, he's there." " Oh, he's here?" " Stu!" "STU!" "Hey, hey!" "..how are you?" "Hey!" "Has anyone looked at you like they want to eat you, at all?" "Ah, no..." "Can you hear me at the back?" "On behalf of the Wellington Vampire Society uh, the Lower Hut Vampire and Witch Club." "And the Kurory Zombie society, we welcome you here tonight." "And we're raffling a live meat pack this year, and, um, you can inspect the prize over here to my left." "It's a wonderful prize." "Tickets are only 10 dollars each or 45 dollars for a book of five." "Now without further adieu, it's my very great pleasure to introduce to you this years guest of honor." "Pauline Ivanovich!" "Thank you." "That's The Beast." "Thank you." "The Beast is, uh, the name I gave to my ex-girlfriend Pauline." "She prefers Pauline." "We had a very intense relationship." "We were very sexually explosive." "Last time I saw her, she impaled me and called me an asshole." "She said all kinds of things that really hurt me." "And all this while I was impaled on a lamp post." "Well, everyone, I will be mingling around and I really hope that I will meet all of you." "Hello." "That's the new guy." "I don't know what, what kind of vampire he is... if he is a vampire." "Did you see his face?" "Oh... oh." " Hello!" " Hi, how are you?" " This is Deacon." " Hello Deacon." " This is Stu." " Good day Stu." " How are you my friend?" " Good." "Hi." "Stu." "You got really warm hands Stu." "You a demon?" " No, he's not a demon!" " I'm a software analyst, I work..." " Stu, Stu, Stu..." " A male witch, you're a male witch?" "Stu, you should go dance, uh, with anyone." " Sure." " Okay, take your time." "I like Stu." "He's not vampire, so he's what, zombie or...?" " A male witch?" " He's not..." "He not uh... he's neither, he's uh... more of a human." "Excuse me, excuse me." "Hi, Nick, hey." "Um, Nick..." "Do you mind if Stu is killed?" "Uh, I don't feel that good about it." "Can I, can I just ask you, you know, a..." " ...a personal question?" " Sure." "Are you, um are you, are you, are you pre-deceased?" "Uh..." "If anyone's gonna eat him it's gonna be us but we're not, we're past that." "They can just go fuck themselves." "Nick!" "It is your fault." "Okay?" "You brought a human into this den of vampress nest." " You're not helping." " Yes, you did." "Plus one." "Lovely talking to you, I've got to shoot off now." "See you later on." "As soon as one vampire takes a bite, it's a frenzy!" " A frenzy!" " Okay, we've got to get him out." "Okay, follow me, follow me." "Excuse me, sorry guys." "Okay, Stu." "Put that over your red face." " Just going out for a cigarette." " Oh, hey!" " Okay, not that way." " This way." " This way." " Is there another way?" " Back away from the vampires." " Guys..." "Excuse me everyone!" "Can I have your attention please." "Some of the vampires forget Unholy Masquerade rules." "They brought a human." "And they don't let us to feast on him." "This was a total misunderstanding." "There was on the invitation, and this actually pertains to you the invitation, it said," " plus one, but it did not specify..." " Okay." " Hey mate, look..." " If it could be a human or if it could be werewolf or..." "Yeah, but he could be a vampire hunter for all we know." "He could texting his mates, saying, 'I've got them all in the one place," "Well, he's not, he's not doing that." "How do we know that?" "He's wearing a bow-tie, look at him!" "Stu, tell them what you do." "Come on Stu!" "Tell us what you do." "Come on." "Tell them what you do, Stu." " Hi, my name is Stu uh..." " Don't fuck it up, man." " I can't hear Stu." " Louder, louder!" "Hi, my name is Stu, uh, I work in..." " I can't hear..." " Louder." "Stu they can't hear, they cannot hear you." "Hi, my name is Stu." "I'm a software analyst." "I work for a geographic information systems company." " Uh..." " Sorry, what is it?" "I work for a company that does um basically we take like business requirements from organizations and we analyze those requirements and then we build software to fit those requirements." "He is a virgin." "He is a virgin!" " I can smell a virgin at a thousand paces." " Go on then." "Go a thousand paces away and smell yourselves!" "I can't wait anymore." "There shall be no eating of the human." "Who are you all of a sudden?" "You have forgotten your former lover." "So quickly." "Georgie?" "No, not Georgie, like, 5-years after him." "No." "Wait a minute." "Just one moment." "No..." "No, I've got it, that's got it, take it away..." "Hello Beast." "Hello asshole." " Hey, don't call me asshole!" " Don't call me..." " ..." "Beast." "This is Vladislav." " This is absolutely the same." "This is my ex-boyfriend." " You know, the one who fucked the police" " Alright, that's old business, that's..." " old business, that's personal business." " Yeah." " Nice to meet you asshole." " This is my lover." "You will not feast on the blood of the human known as Stu." "Listen asshole, this is a human and this is the rules and what is cameras doing here?" "One, and then another one, what is this?" "They're making a documentary on..." "This is a private secret society mate, you don't go bringing your bloody cameras into everything." "You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy." "Maybe one camera guy..." "I'm up to bloody here, with you at the moment." "And all your mates behind there, whoever the hell they are." "We're gonna eat the human being." "And there's nothing you can do about it, alright?" "Now back off!" "And let my missus get her way." "Oh, there's nothing I can do about it?" " That's right." " Well, what about this?" "Diego, rip his head off." "What do you want?" "!" "Vampire fight!" "Get him Vladislav!" "Rip his head off!" "He's killing him!" "It is forbidden for vampires to kill a vampire." " What the f..." " Bloody Hell!" "What?" "Are you okay, love?" "Get out!" "We should probably go Stu." "It was great to see you," " Pauline." " Asshole!" "Bastard!" " That was very... how we both..." " He's a murderer!" "We both, together, equally destroyed that guy!" "Yeah, but it was more Stu with the giant stick!" "I hope this doesn't make this awkward for you and The Beast." "No, I think it's opened up new possibilities." "Oh, no." " Here we go again." " Here we go again" "Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu!" "Stu, Stu, Stu!" "Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu..." " Stu!" "Stu!" " Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop!" "Listen, listen!" "You smell that?" "This way." "Werewolves." " Oh, no." " Look what the cat dragged in, huh?" " Piss off!" " Keep walking." "Don't hassle us tonight." "There has been no hassle here." "Well, let it stay that way." "Keep chaining yourselves up!" "Guys, where's your tracksuit pants?" "It was washing night." "My missus couldn't wash them cause there was too much blood on them, so..." "When your legs expand they grow into the track suit." " Oh!" " Those jeans are gonna rip completely!" "You've lost all those trousers, guys?" "Declan, that tree's far too thin!" "Look at it!" "It's like a branch!" "You know how big you get when you transform!" "That's the wrong tree for you." "Anton, I've..." "Oh, no, you've forgotten the combination." "Why did you get a combination lock?" "I lost my key last time." "Okay, well, it's probably 4 zeros, that's the factory setting, is it?" " Fuck off to a tree." " Hey!" "Hey!" ", werewolves, not swearwolves." "Yeah, I know, well on transformation nights, it's alright, alright?" "I'm getting stressed out." "I was just reminding you." "Stop talking and chain yourself up you dickhead!" "Honestly, we're transforming." "Alright, we'll keep walking." "Yeah, keep walking." "By the way I find that offensive!" "We'll keep walking." "Is that fur?" "Oh, for crying out loud." "Don't look at the fur everyone." "Get back to your trees, okay?" " That's disgusting, man..." " You're wearing fur." "Declan!" " That's not real fur." " Oh, shit!" "Honestly, get out of here." "Take your humans!" "That guy in the bow-tie, he's gonna go first!" " C'mon, we've gotta take Stu home." " Get out of here, quick!" "Take all your clothes off that you want to keep everyone!" "Get that army service jacket off, you've only just bought that Nathan," "Get that camera out of my face!" "Go, go, go!" "Let's go, let's go." "Come on!" "Run Stu, run!" "Let's go, let's go!" " Run Stu, they're coming!" " Shit!" "I got one!" "My leg!" "My leg!" "Oh God!" "Stu!" "Stu!" "Stu!" "Stu!" "Get off me!" "Stu, are you alright?" "Stu?" "Stu?" "Fuck off asshole!" "Fuck off!" "Get off me!" "Stinking group of assholes!" "Stupid werewolves!" "Look away Nick!" " Don't look at their blood!" " Stu!" "Stu!" "Leave him alone, he's a really good dude!" "Leave him alone!" "It's too late for him!" " Don't look at the blood Nick!" " Stu!" "There he is." "He's probably still a little upset having seen his best friend disemboweled by werewolves." "Nick!" "I found you." "Whoa!" "That was pretty full on, hey?" "But this is what happens when you are a vampire." "You have to watch everyone die." "Your mother and father." "All your friends." "Sometimes brutal." "Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike." "Or falling asleep... in an autumn pile of leaves... and having some of them, block your wind pipe." "Or making the simple mistake, of fashioning a mask out of crackers, and being attacked by ducks." "Geese." "Swans." "Or simply dying of old age." "But even old age is brutal." "Watching your friends grow old." "They can't piss." "And they say stupid things and their brains go and they can't remember anything." "And then, one day, they can't even remember who you are." "And you wish they were dead." "And then they do die." "No." "If I know Stu... this was probably the way he wanted to go." "Disemboweled by werewolves." "Blood and guts, sprayed on to the trees." "His face torn to shreds." "I hope I made you feel better." "Ah, well, from what we could see in the beginning, it looks like there's been a bit of a dog attack." "That's really what happens, when you get, you know... dangerous dogs... out on the streets, not being looked after." "This is not good." "No, not good at all." " No, definitely not." " There's nicer ways to go, than being... torn apart, by what looks like a pack of dogs, more than, more than just one." "Yeah I'd say so." "These attacks have been happening more and more frequent." "They're happening on a monthly basis and and it's just... no good for anybody, okay?" "Especially not the dogs." "Certainly not the community." "I've got the bastard." " One of them here hey!" " Geez." "And that's what I'm talking about." "Look at it." "End of the day, this dog is gonna have to be put down." "What a shame." "Look what you did." "Hey?" "Yeah he's got the scent again, hasn't he?" "He wants to go again." "He's not finished." "Yeah." "They say that vampires hearts are cold and dead." "Definitely dead." " Bye Stu." " He would have loved his scarf." "It was a lovely, loose, knit." "But I don't know." "I think I still feel things inside it." "Deacon!" "Deacon!" " Deacon, wakey, wakey." "Hey!" " Viago." "Don't sleep in here." "The curtain's opened." "It's nearly morning." " Oh!" " You want to get sizzled to a crisp?" "What?" "No, you gotta think a little bit about these things." "Ok." " Sorry Viago." " It's okay." " Night." " Nigh..night!" "Okay." "Received at 4:20 AM:" " Stu?" " Hey Deacon." " Stu!" " How is it?" "Good to see you." "Look at his face!" "I saw them tear you to shreds!" "Look!" "He looks like Seal!" "They didn't kill me." " It looks cool." " Thank you, thank you." "Meet some of our friends." "Anton, Deacon." " Hi, Anton." " Anton." "I must have blacked out, um and then, I remember..." " an ambulance." " He's going into shock." "O'Leary." "O'Leary!" "Yeah, coming!" " Okay, calm down, mate." " Calm down." "Looks like rabies, doesn't it?" "And I don't know how long after that was, but I like, woke up." "And it was daytime." "And I couldn't find my clothes." "Those werewolf guys, um eventually found me." "And they had some, they like, lent me some pants." "So, yeah, those guys have been supporting me." "Cause I was quite confused." "Yeah, these are the guys who, um, turned me into a werewolf." "Did you knit your own jersey?" " Yes." " Oh, yeah?" " I knit." " Is that the moon, or?" " Yes." " Hopefully, we won't, you know..." "Ah, this is a nice place." "Please, don't, ah, don't lick anything or pee on anything." "We were worried at first, you know, we thought" "'Ooh, they are just going to urinate on everything.'" "But they actually are really polite and pretty clean." "There was obviously that werewolf smell, which permeated the entire house for the first half an hour." "But we opened some windows and got rid of that." "'What a stupid suggestion, their idea, ' I thought." "No way." "You know, walking into the vampire's den." "That's ludicrous." "That's my hand." "But I thought, well..." "we'll give it a shot." "You know, I'm the alpha male, so I made the call." "I'm the alpha male." " Yes." " So, generally all of the other guys follow me." " For Stu!" " For Stu!" "Thanks guys." "What have you done to your face?" "I got attacked by some werewolves." "Ooh!" ", I met a werewolf." "Seemed a very nice person." "So, Katherine is a vampire now." " Yes." " We decide to get together." "We just thought, the hell with it, you know." "What have we got to lose?" "I was just sitting, doing nothing, and he came floating in and over to me, and I recognized him." "It was wonderful." "And then I bit you on the neck." "That's right." "And I don't mind being a vampire." "I'm enjoying it." "Some people freak out a bit about the age difference." "Uh, they think, 'what's this 96-year old lady doing with a guy, for times her age!" "'" " And, you know, I don't care..." " It doesn't make any difference." "No, they can call me cradle-snatcher, who cares." "I decided to bite her and we're gonna be together forever." " Wonderful." " Yah." "Pauline and I are tentatively back together." "But it's not long before you remember why it was we broke up in the first place." "We'll start in our bedroom," "I need that totally boarded up or blacked out somehow." "My husband is my familiar." "So there's been a dynamic shift there." "You could buy a Bedazzler." "So write that down." "Bedazzler, that's B-E-D..." "I feel like I'm who I'm really meant to be now." " I love you." " I love you too." "Great." "But I am your Master." " Okay?" " Yeah." "Yeah, these guys have to laugh at my jokes, right guys?" "Yeah!" "That is a good one." "I always look round to make sure they're all laughing." "Like, if I see one of them is not quite laughing I'll be like, 'Hey!" "'" "'You laughing?" "', and often I'll test you." " What are you laughing at, Justin?" " Hey?" " What are you laughing at now?" " Just then?" " Yeah, yeah, but what?" "Oh, I don't know." "Ah, test failed!" "Test failed!" "You're laughing now." "What are you laughing at now though?" "I don't know cause..." "Ah, another failure!" "Well, what are you laughing at Stu?" "I was laughing with the group." " Yep, that's good." " Good answer!" " That's good, yeah." "Just pay attention." "Pay attention." "Laugh with the group." "You will not remember the last hour and a half, of what you have just seen." "You will forget the contents of this movie."