"(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)" "(WOMAN SCREAMING)" "(PEOPLE SHOUTING) (CAR ALARM BLARING)" "(CARS HONKING)" "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CAR ALARM BLARING) (CARS HONKING)" "(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Mom." "Mom." "(GRUNTS) Was that a flashbang?" "Sterling?" "Mom?" "Ow!" "Do something!" "(GUNS FIRING)" "What, I brought roses!" "Jesus, Mother, it's just your birthday, not the..." "About that!" "Oh!" "Duh." "LANA:" "Archer!" "Lana!" "(MOCKINGLY) "Lana." Ugh!" "No!" "her birthday." "No, move!" "Get away from us!" "Yeah, they're shooting at you!" "Who?" "The storm-ninjas!" "What?" "That's not a thing, idiot." "Oh." "I stand corrected," "LANA:" "Son of a..." "Bitches, I am pregnant!" "Yes, who could forget, with the bastard spawn of a total stranger." "Okay, first of all..." "Cover your eyes and ears!" "You're not the boss of me!" "(LOUD EXPLOSION)" "(EARS RINGING) Meep." "Meep," "(LAUGHS)" "What's that, Beaker?" "Oh, my God, is Beaker not the best?" "(MOCKING) Meep, meep. mew!" "And wait, what's his, uh..." "The name of..." "Brett!" "No, no, no!" "Leave me alone!" "Shut up." "Who's Beaker's boss?" "What?" "Beaker's boss," "God damn it, I can't hear..." "Brett?" "Well, he died doing what he loved." "Getting shot." "Archer!" "Who the hell..." "Shut up." "It's on the tip of my tongue!" "What is?" "Beaker's boss!" "What?" "She meant who the hell are these guys, you big, dumb idiot asshole!" "Said the guy in a wheelchair!" "What the..." " ARCHER:" "I just frickin' got here, Ray!" "How the hell should I..." "No." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "What, what are you..." "Oh." "Oh, boy." "FBI!" "Nobody move!" "FBI!" "(GROANS) Second worst birthday ever." "What?" "How is this better than your second fake 50th?" "Oh, come on, guys, we talked about this!" "You're supposed to yell "FBI" at the beginning." "After the flash bangs but before Other Fat Mike gets shot." "Ow!" "And what happened with getting "FBI" on the fronts of the uniforms?" "Huh?" "Gun Huh?" "Uh, what happened with "since when the hell does the frickin' FBI get off..."" "Sterling Archer?" "Yes!" "What?" "I'm Special Agent-In-Charge Holly, and you are extremely under arrest," "(LAUGHS) For what?" "In addition to the attempted murder of a federal agent?" "Yes?" "Well, there's gonna be just a whole bunch of charges, but mostly treason," "Treason?" "What?" "Archer, what'd you do?" "Oh, no, not just him." "You too, Miss Kane." "LANA:" "What?" "Yeah." "Everybody." "Especially you, Ms, Archer." "Is this about the fake hydrogen bomb?" "Lana!" "No, but let's put a pin in that." "This is about conducting espionage operations for years with no authority or permission whatsoever from the United States government!" "(GASPING) Wait, what?" "Mother!" "Like, 50 times I asked you about that!" "And like, 50 times, I lied." "Sue me." "I want my phone call." "(RADIO CRACKLES)" "FBI AGENT OVER RADIO:" "Sir?" "It's like you said." "He's dug in there like a tick and..." "KRIEGER:" "Never!" "You'll never take me alive!" "(SIGHS) Okay, breach it." "Roger that." "KRIEGER:" "On second thought, I'd very much prefer to be taken alive!" "Just let me clear the old browser history and..." "No, no, no, no, no." "Come on!" "Ooh!" "G-man-san!" "I'm serious." "You are not putting those on me." "Mr. Archer, please turn around and place your hands behind your back." "(LAUGHS) Or what?" "What are you gonna do, taser... (WHIMPERING)" "(GASPING)" "Do me!" "Do me!" "Do me!" "Do me!" "Do me!" "I'm not tasering you, so just..." "Do me!" "(CHERYL SCREAMING)" "(CHERYL SIGHS)" "Thank you," "Ew!" "Our tax dollars hard at work." "(CHUCKLING) Well, not mine, obviously, but..." "What's that?" "Damn it." "ARCHER:" "Whatever, Cyril." "I don't care who you are." "When you get zapped with 50,000 volts, it's like, like..." "Sploosh!" "And then it's like, wave after wave crashing over you, into you, and..." "Will you shut up?" "You shut up." "Let her talk!" "You shut up!" "Make me!" "(ALL YELLING)" "(MALORY WHISTLING)" "Jesus!" "(WHISTLES)" "All of you!" "Shut your various holes and listen to me very carefully." "Why, so you can tell us more lies?" "(ALL AGREEING)" "So I can save you from life in prison!" "Sorry, Ramona, I know to you it's just one big, sexy briar-patch, but..." "You know..." "Zip it!" "That goes for all of you!" "And when we get in there, you keep it zipped!" "Because there's a chance I can make this all go away, but only if you people don't try to save your own necks by ratting out everyone else!" "(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Damn it, trust me!" "And say nothing!" "You heard me, J. Edna..." "Not one word." "Well, except for those three." "And then those five, And..." "Archer!" "And that one." "I really shouldn't say anything." "I mean, unless you can guarantee me..." "Total immunity." "And I mean from everything." "Including anything you find on my computer," "Or in my crawlspace." "Oh." "And throw a bone into me." "Excuse me?" "I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for, like, 30 years." "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah, until he got blown up," "Which was actually my fault." "Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg, who then became the new head of the KGB," "Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts and a corpse." "There was no shortage of dead bodies around ISIS!" "One of which belonged to the prime minister of goddamn Italy." "Oh, Jesus, I forgot about the..." "Giant pol farm in West Virginia." "And this whole other thing with the Yakuza," "Irish mob, Piracy." "White slavery," "No, actual piracy, with like, boats." "I want to say Burt Reynolds-." "Poaching alligators." "Smuggling Mexicans." "Defiling a corpse." "Defiling a different corpse." "Kidnapping the Pope," "(LAUGHING)" "Faking my own kidnapping!" "Arson." "Bumfights!" "You know, like when you pay bums to..." "Destroy an oil pipeline in..." "I want lo say Bun Reynolds!" "...Turkmenistan." "Odessa." "You know, the ratlines?" "Where you make it look like a murder-suicide, but... ls it murder if they were my own clones?" "I'm seriously asking." "Oh." "Because speaking of sexual assault..." "Which time?" "Because for one of 'em, I've got a pretty good excuse," "Can I stop you?" "Please?" "(LAUGHING) That's what he said," "(CLEARS THROAT) Inappropriate." "Geez, when you just list everything ISIS has done, it sounds kind of bad," "And so if I were you..." "You'd get laid a lot more?" "I'd start talking!" "Everybody else is!" "They're in there right now, saying he's the brains behind ISIS." "Ha!" "Exactly, I..." "Hey, screw you!" "Screw you," "Mr, My Mother's a Lying Bitch, and I'm Too Stupid to Realize My Life's a Pathetic Joke!" "Oh, nice lo meet you," "Mrs. Hello My Kid's From a Sperm Bank" "Since I Can't Keep a Man" "Because In Addition to My Jillion Neuroses," "I Have a Weird-Looking Vagina!" "(GASPING)" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Okay, knock it off!" "Hey!" "I can'!" "believe they fell for that." "(CLEARS THROAT) Miss what?" "Sorry." "It's not that weird." "Look..." "Lana!" "(GUN CLICKS)" "(GUNSHOT)" "Thought you were gonna shoot me." "Day's not over," "And seriously, Lana, sorry for what I said." "Then that's where you say..." "Ow!" "Goodbye, Archer." "Where do you think you're going?" "Not to jail with you and your mother!" "Well, you know, we can ask the judge..." "You know prisons aren't co-ed, right?" "Oh." "Okay, we gotta get out of here," "We?" "There is no we anymore, Archer!" "Well, there's this we." "Uh..." "Oh, shit." "Yeah, you're gonna be a great mother." "I could start smoking crack today, and he'd still turn out better than you!" "And why is that?" "Because I never had a father, Lana." "So why don't you shut up and then also marry me?" "What?" "I'm serious!" "We can go underground, get new identities, and spend the rest of our lives together, Lana." "We'll be a family!" "You, me, the baby, and your not-that-weird-looking vagina!" "Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather lose the baby," "Uh..." "Uh..." "Okay, that wasn't..." "I didn't..." "Excuse me." "(SIGHING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "Jesus Christ, come on, you idiot," "(GRUNTS ANGRILY)" ""I have read this statement, each page of which bears my initials," ""and I do hereby certify..."" ""...that the facts herein are true and correct, signed Pamela Poovey."" ""Cyril Figgis."" ""Raymond Q' Gillette."" ""Algernop Krieger."" ""Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt."" "Now, I would like a ride home, please," "Preferably in an Apache helicopter," "And I believe there was some mention of throwing a bone into me?" "What are you talking about?" "A penis in my vagina." "Or wherever, but come on, chop-chop," "I gotta go start enjoying my immunity." "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah, you said immunity, I didn't'" "Dukes!" "God!" "Damn it!" "So is that a "no" on the Apache, or... (KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Oh, my God, okay, so this ditz..." "Oh." "Now who's the ditz, huh?" "Would you just come on?" "I'm seriously asking!" "Aw!" "But look at him..." "All lied up like a sexy little Christmas ham!" "And can I just go on record as saying" "I think this an extremely bad idea?" "You know what's a bad idea?" "Prison." "Because spoiler alert, they're unisex!" "Hello, best part." "HOLLY:" "Yeah," "(IN FAKE ACCENT) Oh, Clyde?" "Clyde, is that you?" "It's me, dear, Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother!" "HOLLY:" "Um..." "It's open, ma'am." "Nobody move or..." "What the hell are you doing?" "Getting us out of here!" "I've already done that!" "Let him go!" "And you'll just have to put that on my, whatever, crime tab." "No, no, no, no, no, taking a federal agent hostage is a separate charge." "Oh." "Well, then perhaps we should get him back on the phone." "(STUTTERS) I don't..." "There's no need to bother the..." "Look, if you'll just sign this form..." "Doo-doo-doo," ""...in lieu of criminal prosecutions for doo-doo-doo treason," ""I hereby forfeit ISIS headquarters, (ALL GROANING)" ""and also agree to permanently cease and desist" ""any and all ISIS operations..."" "(ALL GASPING)" "Or face a mandatory sentence of life in federal prison without parole!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" ""Signed, Malory Archer."" "Oh, my God!" "No!" "Uh-uh!" "Nope!" "Because correct me if I'm wrong, but that entire document is completely unenforceable!" "I correct you." "You are wrong," "For God's sake, Sterling, it's the government." "Even if it weren't legal, they'd enforce it." "Hey, save it for four-ninths of the Supreme Court." "Oh, shut up." "And unless there's anything else?" "Uh, just this, releasing the Bureau from any claims relating to the death of your employee, Brett Bunsen?" "Oh, my God!" "What?" "Beakers boss!" "Bunsen frickin' Honeydew!" "Whoo!" "Oh!" "Oh, that was figuratively killing me." "ARCHER:" "I can't believe they're taking our building." "Screw the building." "What about our jobs?" "Oh." "And our health insurance," "Which I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need." "I'll be your doctor." "Well, if I want Hitler's DNA spliced into him, I'll give you a call." "Yeah, I'm around." "Well, as for me, I think I'll start shopping my memoirs," "How does the title Secrets and Silk grab you?" "Tightly, by my childhood's throat," "Oh, you're just jealous." "Yeah, jealous of my fallback career," "(LAUGHS) As what, an actual acorn?" "As America's number one country singer!" "And kudos, but for the rest of us, trapped in the realm of possibility..." "I'm gonna be bigger than Mac Davis, and Mac Davis can totally suck it!" "And you can all suck it, because I am gonna play professional lacrosse." "Okay, even if that were a real thing... ls it not?" "...you are way too old." "I am not..." "Oh, my God, I am way too old." "Welp, (KNUCKLES CRACKING) hope I'm not too old to get back into underground fighting." "Darn, all those jobs are awesome." "And by awesome, you mean delusional," "Because it's gonna be hard to go back to an accounting firm after this job." "Especially after Mother gives you a shitty reference," "Mother, do that." "I meant it'll be boring." "Although, I guess I could always go back lo being a defense attorney." "(INDISTINCT TALKING) When were you ever a lawyer?" "Lana, we had long talks about this." "How I wen!" "to night school to pass the CPA exam because I was so burned out defending scumbags as a public defender?" "Numerous long talks!" "With me?" "Oh, for..." "Well, don't come crying to me when that fatherless kid of yours buys a gun and steals a car, and he tries to run, but he don't get far!" "(SINGING) In the ghetto..." "Where Mac Davis sucks it!" "You done?" "Are you done?" "Again, seriously asking," "Yes." "So I guess we should talk about the elephant in the room," "Namely..." "What are we gonna do with literally, not figuratively, a ton of cocaine." "Well..." "Oh, come on!" "What, Lana, we must be talking..." "Wholesale?" "Uh..." "Fifty, sixty million?" "(LAUGHS) Wholesale." "So what, we form a cartel?" "Well, how hard could it be?" "I mean..." "Don't!" "If Mexicans can do it..." "Fifty million dollars, Lana." "We sell this, and we're out." "I promise." "MALORY:" "Dr. Krieger has devised a way to transport the cocaine undetected." "You're probably gonna want to try to minimize the sweating." "(WHIMPERING)" "We are gonna go ahead and take the cocaine and the money." "What do you mean "counterfeit"?" "ARCHER:" "The Yakuza?" "Amphetamines!" "ARCHER:" "Well, Pam screwed the Yakuza out of a million bucks of amphetamines." "So now they're gonna cut her head off, (SOBBING)" "CHERYL:" "Baby, please don'!" "go" "Get down!" "Baby, please don't go" "Ron!" "Yeah, this is actually a little harder than I thought." "Because I don't fly." "ARCHER"." "So we've only get 24 hours to drive to Texas?" "Did you tell anybody we were hauling a shitload of coke?" "Well, your mind done gone Left the county farm" "Take me with you!" "Outlaw country!" "Whoo!" "Honey, you're number 14, nationwide!" "How about a big ol' country welcome for Charlene!" "(SINGING) Before I be your dog Get you way down here" "Make you walk alone Baby, please don't go" "Incredible!" "I must meet this woman!" "What do you think is gonna happen when three gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman who runs the entire Cali Camel?" "Whoo-hoo!" "Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?" "Not without a blood transfusion." "Very well!" "(SCREAMS)" "Baby, please don't go" "Ow!" "Baby, please don't go Down to New Orleans" "You know I love you so Baby, please don't go" "You're doing the exact thing you promised me you wouldn't!" "I was kidding!" "Before I be your dog" "Before I be your dog" "Welcome to San Marcos," "Before I be your dog Get you way down here" "I'll make you walk alone Baby, please don't go" "So, couple of things..." "God damn it." "Did you fart in that?" "CHERYL:" "You know how I feel right now?" "My baby is leavin' on that midnight train, and I'm cryin'." "suppressing fire!" "God damn it, Cyril!" "You're running out of options, Archer!" "I want Archer dead!" "Baby, please don't go Down to New Orleans" "You know I love you so Baby, please don't go" "I think you just stumbled backwards into a CIA arms deal." "(SCREAMING)" "They kidnapped Cherlene!" "Archer!" "We just started a frickin' coup!" "(LAUGHING)" "Before I be your dog Get you way down here" "Make you walk alone Baby, please don't go, yeah!" "Archer!" "My water just broke!" "All right now!" "And, for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I just invaded Laos." "(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)" "And, Chi, I swear to God, mention the compass again and just see what happens." "(GROWLS)" "Archer Vice!" "What?" "Nothing." "Shut up." "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)"