"In the last episode of Soap," "Burt told Sally he could see her no more." "He's sorry, but it's the only way." "Sally took it well indeed." "She threatened to get him some day." "Donohue told Jessica that Chester died... on an exploded train, but Chester's not dead." "He's very alive, although with a muddled brain." "Jodie's still stunned that Carol left him." "He's been in a lot of pain." "And Danny's vowed to get the men who killed his precious Elaine." "Confused?" "You won't be after tonight's episode of..." "Soap" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]" "[♪]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "If you don't mind." "Hi." "Hello there." "What is this?" "A party." "Party?" "For what?" "Mr. Tate's death." "It's kind of strange, isn't it?" "Well, I didn't say you had to have a good time." "Detective Donohue, how good of you to come." "I came by to say one thing." "I'd like very much to see you, so when you feel the time is proper, will you let me know?" "The time is proper now, detective." "It is?" "Mm-hmm." "Yes, because you make me feel good, and whenever you make a person feel good, the time is always proper." "Okay." "Good." "Uh, excuse me, everyone." "Uh, this is Detective Donohue... you know, who looked for Chester." "How do you do?" "May I have your attention, please?" "I want to thank you, first of all, for coming here today." "As you know," "Chester never cared for funerals..." "Especially his own." "And in his will, as a tribute to his memory, he asked that all of his family and all of his friends get together and just tell all those wild, funny stories about him." "And I did invite, uh, oh, about 40 of his closest friends." "They all had headaches, so come on, everybody, let's just toss out all of those funny stories about Chester." "Who would like to go first?" "Oh, well, I've got one." "Uh..." "Uh..." "One morning, Chester came down to breakfast with shaving cream still behind his ear." "[GIGGLES]" "I said to him..." ""Chester, you forgot to..."" ""You forgot to wipe off the cream."" "He forgot to wipe off..." "[LAUGHING CONTINUES]" "So..." "Chester went all the way back upstairs, and I..." "I poured him some o-orange juice." "Orange juice!" "A-ha-ha-haa!" "And then he said..." "And then he said, "Is it all off now?"" "And I said..." "I said, "Yes." "How do you want your eggs?"" "Eggs." "Oh, yeah." "I get it!" "[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]" "Oh, golly." "Oh, this is fun." "Who would like to be next?" "Billy, why don't you tell the hammer story?" "No, Ma, I don't think so." "Oh, come on, honey." "Good idea." "Do it." "That would be terrific." "Do it, do it." "Please." "Come on." "It's cute." "It's cute." "All right." "Well, when I was five, I asked Dad to buy me a hammer." "He asked me what I wanted it for, and I told him I wanted to build a puppy." "All the other kids had puppies, and I wanted one so badly that I decided to build one." "Did he buy you the puppy?" "No, he bought me the hammer." "Your father was an incredible human being." "Corinne?" "Uh..." "Okay." "Um... when I was little," "Daddy took me fishing, and I remember that day he caught a lot of fish, and I didn't catch anything, and I remember feeling a little sad and very puzzled when Daddy announced that he was going swimming," "and he jumped overboard with one of the fish in his belt." "Well, a few minutes later," "Daddy came up without the fish, and... and I felt a little tug on my line, and I reeled it in, and there was the fish." "What a wonderful story." "What a guy." "What a crock." "He never took you fishing." "Shh." "She's real good at making up stories, isn't she?" "Tim, it's your baby." "Benson, you believe me, don't you?" "Uh, Jodie?" "Jodie?" "There he is." "Come on, Jodie, don't you have a story you want to share with us?" "I just love the way Jodie tells a story." "Well, all right." "Well, uh... once, I remember," "I asked Uncle Chester why he always wore black shoes... and, uh... he said, "I don't know." "I just find then comfortable."" "A story like that comes around once, maybe twice." "Not often." "Burt?" "There he is." "Oh, yeah." "No, I..." "I remember Chester." "I was, um..." "I remember there was..." "Oh." "[LAUGHS]" "I remember one time he came, and..." "That wasn't him." "I remember, and then I don't sometimes, but it's like..." "Next?" "Aunt Jessie, I've got one." "Oh." "Good." "This is really funny." "I remember once, uh..." "Burt had some dough he wanted to invest, and Chester suggested rotary engine fan belts." "Uh, Danny, that's not funny." "Come on." "Aw, come on, it's really good." "So anyway," "Burt gives him the dough, and Chester invests it, and the next day, the company went broke." "Burt was cleaned out." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Very funny." "What are you doing?" "Daddy." "Aye." "This was a brave man." "This was a courageous man." "This was a man who always did more than his duty." "He was right there to the very end." "Never was there another man like him." "Never will there be another man like him." "He was one of a kind." "We shall never forget him." "He was a leader of men." "We have lost the best." "His family, his friend..." "And the United States of America will never forget" "General Mike "Smilin' Bob" Hawkins." "Daddy..." "Daddy." "General Hawkins didn't die." "Chester died." "Oh." "Good." "Never mind." "As you were." "Mary?" "Well, I would just like to say that I think that all our lives are richer for having known him." "Benson, do you have any fond memories of Mr. Tate you'd like to share with us?" "No." "Uh, and, uh..." "I believe that, uh... he will be remembered fondly by those of us who loved him." "And the rest of us too." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Mrs. Campbell?" "Yes?" "Hi." "I'm Sally." "Sally?" "Your husband's secretary." "Oh, Sally." "Come in." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Well, I'm..." "I'm pleased to meet you." "You've always been just a voice on the telephone." "Uh, sit down." "Thanks." "Uh..." "Mrs. Campbell, I don't really..." "Mary." "Mary." "Mary." "Mary, I don't know how to... put this." "What?" "Well, your husband and I have been having an affair." "So what happened was, the other day, he came by..." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "Could you just back up a little?" "Sure." "Did you say you and Burt..." "Right." "So what happened was, the other day..." "You and Burt?" "Me and Burt." "Well, Burt and I." "It's Burt and I." "I always get those confused... me and him, he and I, he and me." "I hated grammar." "You don't, uh... you don't look like what I imagined." "You imagined someone?" "Well, Burt told me that he spent the night with someone once, and that she was fat and old." "Were you once fat?" "Or old?" "It must have been someone else." "Mrs. Campbell..." "Mary..." "I really just..." "Mrs. Campbell." "Look, don't be mad at me." "I felt sorry for him." "I have never had an affair with a married man." "I would not do that." "But he told me he was miserable." "He said you were a mean, hard... bitter lady." "And I believed him." "And then..." "Then I fell in love with him." "So please, don't be mad at me." "I can't believe it." "I can't believe it." "I don't believe... you and him." "I think it's "you and he."" "See, it would be "him and me", so I think it's "you and he."" "Don't get me wrong." "I'm not saying I don't believe he'd have an affair with you." "What I'm saying is that I find it hard to accept he's having an affair." "But if he was having an affair," "I'm sure that the affair he was having would be with you." "You're very, uh..." "pretty." "Oh." "Thank you." "Young." "Skinny." "I'm not skinny." "Please, you're skinny." "I'm five pounds overweight." "Oh, please." "You are not." "I am." "I mean, I starve myself." "I still can't lose." "I know." "It's so depressing." "You know the Atkins diet?" "Do I know it?" "I've been on it 12 times." "I gained." "Metabolism." "Fasting?" "Gained." "You and Burt." "You know, you're taking this very well." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "You're taking this beautifully." "No." "I'm in shock." "That's what it is." "I'm not taking it with grace." "I'm taking it with shock." "There's more." "Oh, good." "Maybe this'll kill me." "The other day I discovered that..." "Are you ready?" "Burt's been cheating on me." "When did he have the time?" "I know." "It's incredible, isn't it?" "Her, me, you." "It's a wonder he isn't dead." "He will be." "I'm gonna kill him." "No." "I am." "Wait till you hear this." "She's 18." "18?" "18." "Skinny?" "She's 18." "Who cares?" "18." "What do they talk about at 18?" "What she did in school today?" "It's disgusting." "18." "I am so sorry" "I had to tell you all this." "Oh." "No." "Thank you." "[SIGHS]" "I'm glad you did." "Where are my manners?" "Would you like a drink?" "Oh, please, Mrs. Campbell." "Call me Mary." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi." "Uh, Mrs. David?" "Yes?" "I'm Jodie." "Oh, my." "Oh, my, my, my." "You're in Texas." "I think so." "Everybody talks funny." "Well, come on in..." "for a minute." "Thank you." "You're a homo?" "Well, I, uh..." "The reason I ask is I never seen one before." "We don't have homos in Texas." "Live ones, anyway." "Well, sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "Uh, yes, thank you." "A drink would be nice." "What do you people drink?" "You mean New Yorkers?" "We drink..." "No, no, homos." "We drink your basic heterosexual drinks." "How about some lemonade?" "Do you drink lemonade?" "Lemonade would be terrific." "We like lemonade." "I mean, we drink a lot of lemonade." "Uh, Mrs. David, is Carol around?" "Upstairs." "But I don't think she wants to see you." "Mrs. David, I've flown clear across the country." "This is a very big state." "It took me a day and a half to drive here from the airport." "Yeah." "Uh, uh..." "I've gone through a lot to get here, and I intend to see Carol." "Okay." "[SHOUTS] Carol!" "Carol, honey, you've got a visitor!" "Oh... this'll put a run in her pantyhose." "Jodie." "Hi." "I didn't..." "I..." "I thought it would be nice to surprise you." "Oh, yes." "Nice." "He sure surprised me." "He looks perfectly normal." "Mother." "I guess I expected him to wear organdy." "Mother..." "Hmm?" "Do you mind?" "Oh." "It was nice meeting you, Jodie." "Nice meeting you, Mrs. David." "You're my first homo." "[IMITATES MRS. DAVID'S VOICE] You're my first Texan." "[GASPS] Ah!" "Yeah." "This is a... surprise." "Jodie, I'm so sorry." "I felt awful." "You have no idea how awful I felt." "Uh, what it was... was, uh..." "Carol, I know what it was." "I mean, suddenly it didn't seem like such a terrific idea to have a husband who is a homosexual." "It was just that I thought that you..." "What about the baby?" "What about the baby?" "Well, I'd, uh..." "I'd like to see my child grow up." "Jodie, I don't want you to be the baby's father." "Carol, I don't think you have that choice anymore." "I don't want you to see the baby." "What?" "Someday I hope to marry, and whoever I marry will be the baby's father." "Carol, that's my baby." "You can't do this." "Carol, please." "What am I gonna do?" "I don't stand a chance in court." "I have feelings, Carol." "It's my baby, and I care." "I don't think I've ever cared about anything quite as much." "Jodie, I know I'm right." "Now, I know it's hard for you, but I know I'm doing the right thing." "You mean my child will never know I'm his father?" "It's better this way." "Carol, it's a mistake." "It's a gigantic mistake because it's a lie, and a lie will always catch up with you later." "And when it does, Carol..." "When my child wants his father," "I'll be there." "♪ Bringing in The sheaves ♪" "♪ Bringing in The sheaves ♪" "♪ We will Come rejoicing ♪" "♪ Bringing in The sheaves ♪" "Hey, buddy." "What the hell is a sheaf anyway?" "Hey, buddy, I'm talking to you." "What?" "What is a sheaf?" "It's a quantity of cereal grasses bound together." "Ah." "Tell me, why do we want to bring them in?" "Well, uh..." "Uh, it's because of the harvest." "Uh, we plant in the spring, and we harvest..." "Uh, could you try not touching me quite so much?" "What's the matter?" "You don't like to be touched?" "Well, it's a..." "Hey, fellas!" "Fancy Pants here don't like to be touched." "Oh, well, no, it's..." "MEN:" "Whoo!" "MEN:" "Whoo!" "Oh." "Ah!" "It's just that, ah..." "Well, you see, I, uh, don't really belong here." "I'm not really a bum." "You calling us bums?" "Oh, no." "Please." "Please don't be offended." "I like bums." "Some of my best friends are... filthy and disgusting." "All right..." "Ah, split pea!" "I love split pea." "Pass the bread plate." "Are we grabbing?" "Is that it?" "Give me the bread." "Wait." "How do I know I like split pea?" "Hey." "I remember." "That's how I know." "I remember." "Pass the plate." "Come on, pass the plate." "Please." "You are beginning to pester me." "Pester..." "Nester..." "Mester..." "Lester!" "That's it!" "Pass the plate." "Oh!" "Pl..." "Pa..." "I'm Lester Pate!" "Pleased to meet you." "Now, do you pass me the bread, or do I tear off your head?" "Oh, sir, you've helped me to remember." "How could I ever repay you?" "Bread." "Take the bread." "Take my soup." "I remember." "Oh... and I owe it all to you." "You helped me gain my true self again." "Goodbye." "Where you going?" "Home, to my family." "Oh, yeah?" "Where do they live?" "I don't know." "But they're out there somewhere." "Somewhere, there's a family of Pates waiting for their Lester, and I'll find them." "If I have to look in every city, in every town, I'll find them, because when Lester Pate gets it into his head to do something, he does it, because that's the kind of stuff we Pates are made of." "I think." "[♪]" "Will Chester get his memory back?" "And what will Jessica do if he comes back?" "Now that Mary believes Sally's story, will Burt ever get her back?" "Can Jodie put his life back together now that he can't get Carol back?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"