"THEME MUSIC" "APPLAUSE" "and welcome to QI - flies in the face of convention and goes "coo" in the chimney of knowledge." "Jo Brand and Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE let me introduce the QI Spot The Nostril competition." "right?" "A bird so odd that some think it's a missing link between mammals and birds." "Paying particular attention to the position of its nostrils." "I will reward the best effort with a nest egg." "You're staring at me with a kind of glassy look." "You do know what a kiwi is?" "Yeah." "I've seen one in New Zealand." "They're nocturnal." "You had to go in a little kiwi zoo thing and they have them in virtually every town." "There'll be someone's living room and you go in and there'll be a dark room and a little glass thing." "Aw." "National bird." "It is the national bird." "can't fly." "Rubbish. sorry." "What's the national bird of England?" "(TUTS)" "I'll tell you what it is for women - thrush." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "You know what it is for men?" "Uh..." "Cock." "Sorted." "(WHEEZES)" "Cock and thrush." "Yes." "wouldn't it?" "Good name for a pub." "aren't there? where Charles Hawtrey is playing a detective went to pub The Cock Inn... left Cock Inn." "And that implies you've got a left cock and a right cock." "# Left cock in Your right cock out... #" "LAUGHTER kiwi." "I've got to draw all three?" "forget the cock and the thrush." "(GIGGLES) paying particular attention to the nostrils and where they are on the bird." "Imagine if your nostrils were just above your anus." "(CHUCKLES) It would be unpleasant. sing to me." "PEACOCK CALLS" "Rich." "CROW CAWS" "Phil." "(IMITATES COCKEREL)" "(CHUCKLES) No." "COCKEREL CROWS" "That's extraordinary!" "APPLAUSE" "Phil did not know that was his sound." "Let's just check that again to make sure we weren't all having a hallucination." "COCKEREL CROWS good morning." "It is extraordinary." "And Alan goes." "fruity fruit fruity" "# Fruity!" "# did you?" "I didn't!" "A little voice in my ear just told me the national bird of England is the European robin apparently." "So let's head south for the winter." "what's the difference between an ostrich and a lion?" "LAUGHTER" "Why the stars?" "What's going on with the stars?" "Is that a clue?" "Kind of a clue. lays big eggs..." "Correct." "And is edible." "Quite a delicacy." "Farmed." "Yes." "A lion - king of the jungle - big cat." "Kill you with a single blow." "There are many differences." "sir?" "One of the most famous African explorers was the Scotsman..." "David Livingstone." "Phil." "And he wrote that "I can distinguish between them with certainty... this is by sound "..only by knowing that the ostrich roars by day and the lion roars by night." "He described the idea that lions have an impressive roar as mere majestic twaddle and said that they sounded identical to ostriches." "So let's demonstrate that." "Right." "This is the sound of a lion." "LION GROWLS Gee." "And this is the sound of an ostrich." "OSTRICH TWITTERS" "LAUGHTER" "COCKEREL CROWS" "Phil." "David Livingstone was a hard-working Scot." "He was working in the mines." "His ears were damaged." "He couldn't be blamed for this." "Don't you feel that actually Stanley was lucky" "I presume?" "he wasn't shot because he was mistaken for a leopard or something. they'd probably still be working today." "That's a very good thought." "Johnny Cash was attached by an ostrich." "Did you know that?" "I didn't." "yeah." "Really?" "Never quite recovered." "They can kick you." "I saw one kick someone in the googlies on telly the other day." "Yes." "Did you see that?" "I did." "It really caught him." "It did!" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "So we get points just for being interesting?" "That's it." "Yeah." "linoleum is a form of currency." "LAUGHTER however?" "right?" "LAUGHTER explain how to French kiss a woodpecker." "You would have to seduce it." "Get it interested in you." "Put a toothpick in your mouth." "(LAUGHS) Woodpecker." "Say nice things to it." "that's nice plumage." "You give it a date rape drug." "LAUGHTER" "Should all else fail." "Yes!" "Does French kissing mean kissing with tongues or" "Aah-la-la-la-la." "Yes." "Sorry!" "Are you seeing anyone at the moment?" "with tongues." "I thought that was very attractive." "why would anyone want to?" "woodpecker tongues." "Let's have a look at a woodpecker tongue." "You'd be astonished." "There." "Oh!" "One of the strangest things in nature." "extend to two-thirds of its body length." "vicious barbs and has an ear at the end of it." "With which it can listen to its prey." "So it uses the beak for pecking at bark..." "It has an ear at the end of its tongue?" "can you say that again?" "Absolutely." "Pardon? it has to wrap it round its brain and back of its eye sockets." "woodpeckers are very popular on Creationist websites that only a designer could have made it." "It couldn't have evolved. and generates immense forces." "250 times more forces an astronaut is subjected to." "000Gs." "It has these extraordinary muscles and cartilages around its brain to stop it from shattering." "you may argue!" "Sorry." "But it is..." "It is a pretty astonishing animal." "(LAUGHS)" "Can we maybe have an off-shoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary?" "LAUGHTER" "Can I be on that?" "Absolutely!" "(LAUGHS)" "I just can't quite see how different it would be." "time for you." "Does your bird like chocolate?" "does she like chocolates?" "yes." "It's very popular with... then?" "I don't know." "they'd like chocolate." "Yes." "Would they?" "Their beak's great for getting right to the toffee. they like toffee better." "they quite like chocolate behind them you know." "Just to show off." "way." "no." "You can't give animals chocolate because it's got something in it that makes them depressed." "Do you know that's right?" "You can't give chocolate to a dog because it's not right." "That's why you have to buy special chocolate for the dogs." "tell them it's old." "February chocolate." "Christmas chocolate's gone white and dusty." "I have." "I've eaten dog chocolate." "It's part of folklore." "My bird don't like chocolate." "you're quite right." "How many points does he get for that?" "He's correct." "He'll get some points perhaps from our scorers if they're in the mood." "do you imagine?" "Absolutely minimal." "I don't care." "Get it in." "they only have about 20 or 30 taste buds on their tongue." "They'd never distinguish chocolate." "actually." "Did you?" "Yeah!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Thought it was 15 or 18." "(LAUGHS) would you say?" "000." "something like that." "Pretty close." "But new ones grow every five days." "taste buds." "wouldn't be able to tell what chocolate is it would kill them." "Kill them?" "it's actually poisonous to us but lethal dose is quite high." "would that kill you?" "About 22 pounds is the lethal dose for a human." "That's nothing." "Nothing!" "(LAUGHS)" "APPLAUSE for example." "(LAUGHS)" "LAUGHTER" "You sick- so her dad gave it a bit of brandy." "Lord." "Guess what happened next?" "Severe alcohol poisoning." "Alcohol poisoning?" "dear." "Is he better?" "Uh...go to bed." "You'll see in the morning." "get down to the shops! someone I know gave their dog LSD." "my God." "It went to Glastonbury." "(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)" "I went into a friend's house they had this football there was an open window and I kicked it through the window." "Very pleased." "Converted it." "And I'd never heard of these things that people who have hamsters have these little balls where the hamster goes..." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Right out the window and bounced and had gone all over the place." "I felt absolutely awful." "Did it die?" "it survived!" "Seemed perfectly cheerful." "LAUGHTER" "Woo!" "Woo!" "that new ball I got for Christmas is bloody brilliant!" "actually." "Bill's girlfriend used to take it to work in an old people's home and it used to eat entire boxes of Daz and it would eat pants as well." "And sort of clean them." "A washing machine inside!" "And poo out some white pants." "The pants would come out of its bum." "you know." "put it that way." "(LAUGHS) Probably." "That's probably true." "We had a cat that could open the fridge." "It would lie on its back with its paws under the fridge and yank it open." "yeah!" "Then he was in." "And he got the turkey out the fridge and had it halfway to the cat flap before we found him." "isn't it?" "while we were running towards him." "(LAUGHS)" "Went to grab him and he just jumped straight out the cat flap." "Hissing." "HSS!" "now." "covers 18 square feet and has to be changed once a month?" "Someone's gotta do it." "One of my sanitary towels." "Ey!" "GROANING" "I just- Jo Brand!" "Did you think everyone else was about to leap in and say that?" "Yeah!" "I thought Alan might." "Oh." "Is that one of your sanitary towels?" "That there?" "I have embroidered ones." "I get them especially made by a lady in waiting of the Queen." "Um...outdoors or indoors?" "A flag." "Something belonging to each and every one of us." "Skin." "Very good!" "Skin is the answer." "The largest organ in the body." "Maybe in your body." "I've got a huge cock." "I think we'll forfeit you for that." "ALARM BUZZER" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "That's how predictable that was." "You almost fell exactly into our trap." "so minus five to you." "the skin." "there are 20 feet of blood vessels." "Just a single square inch of skin." "Isn't that amazing?" "300 nerve cells and 100 sweat glands." "And cells of the human body are constantly being replaced." "000 cells a..." "Second." "Yes." "People get through around 900 skins in a lifetime." "here's a question." "Does putting perfumed sachets in your drawers help conception?" "yes." "How so?" "It'll give a meadow-like feel to the bedroom and everyone will be relaxed and ha-ha-ha ooh!" "It will." "It will certainly in that sense." "But there's an even more direct sense." "Which is rather astonishing." "Lavender?" "Is it to do with lavender?" "It's not actually lavender." "the Lily-of-the-Valley." "It helps your sperm count." "it's even weirder than that." "sperm can smell." "Sperm can smell whether you've got clean underwear on or not it will come out to play." "they can certainly smell the smell of Lily of the Valley. here's something!" "There'll be people alive because of that research in a few years' time." "You have a great faith in science." "is that that smell of Lily of the Valley aren't they?" "isn't it?" "wheh-hey!" "I'm quite looking forward to it now." "You'd have sperm chasing you down the bookies and..." "Fantastic." "It has long been a mystery as to how sperm and whether or not the ovum puts out a scent trail." "The closest we've got to discovering - or German scientists at Ruhr University - which is one that's used..." "Have they tried other smells?" "They've tried thousands of others." "And this one makes them absolutely align and race towards them." "there're going to be using it in fertility clinics." "you have to work out what I'm talking about here." "all right?" "They have a variety stage act. and the other brother is arrested." "Why would that be?" "Two brothers?" "Yeah." "Are doing a variety act." "Ah!" "They're Siamese twins!" "maximum points." "APPLAUSE and they are why conjoined twins are called Siamese twins where they made some money as a sort of entertainment act." "they lived till the age of 63. and had 21 children between them." "it's hard to imagine!" "It does..." "The mind instantly tries to conjure a scene of how it works." "How many cocks did they have?" "All right." "they had one each. (LAUGHS) which would be most unfortunate." "They got on incredibly well. they had a fight about... sort of..." "Separate them?" "LAUGHTER" "(LAUGHS) Had to placate them." "I suppose." "One on the left looks really serious." "He was the straight man." "LAUGHTER one of them took to drink and the other didn't." "But their systems were pretty independent." "Imagine that." "Your twin pissed up." "I'm getting you home." "I love you! and Eng woke up one morning to discover that his brother had died and gave a great howl of despair." "And they ran to fetch a doctor and died within an hour of this. but it was a sort of nervous shock." "No reason to die." "and they've done very well solo." "thank you for that tender remark!" "LAUGHTER" "Feeling much better about deformity now we've talked it through." "absolutely." "Absolutely." "They had a genuine dignity about them." "There we are. but the judge decided it would amount to false imprisonment so he set them both free." "Some advantage there in being conjoined twins." "License to whack people. and that's the General Ignorance round." "please." "What is the loudest thing in the ocean?" "The blue whale!" "dear." "no." "It's not the blue whale." "It's nothing like as loud... 000 miles!" "Another whale can hear it in fact." "COCKEREL CROWS" "Yes?" "Must it not be the sea itself?" "Aah..." "No." "Oh." "LAUGHTER" "Crabs clapping." "Go smaller." "Crayfish!" "Is it some sort of vibrating thing?" "You're doing exactly..." "What Alan is doing is exactly right." "I'm doing it exactly right." "Imagine a trillion things with snapping claws doing this." "Crayfish." "Lobsters." "Smaller." "ALAN AND JO:" "Shrimps." "They're the loudest thing in the ocean?" "Yeah." "it's quiet down there." "That's right." "It's called the shrimp layer." "And there are trillions of them and they do this at the same time." "It's not actually the claws banging together makes the noise it's the bubble of air popping that is created by this very fast... this thing." "Then it pops." "And it can keep people awake. it can keep whole communities awake at night." "really vast." "They can white out a submarine's sonar through their headphones." "Subs below the layer can hear absolutely nothing above it and subs above it can hear nothing below it." "And they're floating in the water?" "The shrimps?" "Yeah!" "You can only hear by raising a mast through them." "next question." "being killed by lightning or by an asteroid?" "(BLOWS RASPBERRY) fruity!" "#" "Lightning." "dear." "No-one's ever been killed by an asteroid." "That's rubbish." "Prove it." "LAUGHTER you are more likely to be struck by an asteroid." "it's more likely to be struck by lightning. estimates that a large one strikes us once every million years." "The resulting death toll is likely to be in excess of a billion." "please." "That's never happened." "are one in six million in any year." "It has never happened!" "it won't! and we've seen craters which show there have been ones much wider." "It's due any moment." "Where would you like it to land?" "I'd like it to land in... it's going to destroy everybody." "Yorkshire." "Yorkshire!" "LAUGHTER They wouldn't mind." "They'd just be delighted it didn't land in Lancashire. (LAUGHS) it come to Yorkshire." "right?" "yes." "My aunt got struck by lightning on a golf course." "your aunt." "I'm sorry!" "I'm so sorry." "Yeah." "I do apologise." "(CHUCKLES) I was..." "That too." "She had a pet ant." "My aunt..." "(LAUGHS)" "She got struck between the first and second holes." "very good!" "Something in her stance." "(LAUGHS) LAUGHTER where do camels come from?" "That's my next question." "COCKEREL CROWS" "Phil." "Over there." "LAUGHTER miragey horizon." "actually." "I can't quite tell whether to give you the points or not." "Africa." "Africa?" "Yeah." "No." "No." "Europe." "did you say?" "Yes." "no." "But that wasn't a forfeit one for some reason." "did you say?" "aren't you?" "Yeah?" "Is it Australia?" "even." "America." "Yay!" "Well done!" "You got some points back." "Really?" "Yup." "They did." "They did." "maybe." "Like horses and dogs." "LAUGHTER camels grew up in the grasslands of America 20 million years ago." "Rubbish." "fair enough." "But the land masses would've been a-join-ed." "exactly." "in fact." "The camel is the only other mammal apart from humans that smokes." "It'll actually smoke a cigarette and enjoy it." "Oh!" "They give them..." "What about beagles?" "The camel handlers give them a puff and they..." "Beagles hate it." "And they inhale and exhale smoke." "Really?" "I totally made that up." "It's rubbish." "But it was quite a good one and it got you going." "It did get me going. except in zoos." "next question." "Why are flamingos pink?" "It's what they eat." "Which is?" "God." "LAUGHTER did you?" "You really were shocked by that one." "What's the chances of that?" "They do eat it." "They do." "It's food." "But it's so not shrimps." "blue-green algae." "because if they stood on... they'd fall down." "so they have to change them." "is that right?" "but I'm doing quite well." ""Is that right?" like that. is rich in blue and red pigments." "even orange." "So from one silly bill to another." "we need to see your kiwis and judge accordingly." "So go ahead and start at this end." "Yeah." "What I have is a sequential drawing of the nostril itself." "sneezing." "it's achew!" "I've drawn assembly instructions for a kiwi." "Like you find at Ikea." "in C." "With a Phillips head screw." "And that's the completed project." "good." "Jo." "I just sort of did colouring in." "though." "Have you got the nostrils at the end of this crest?" "I have." "that birds have no taste." "Em..." "This bird?" "LAUGHTER No!" "It's very charming." "APPLAUSE let's have a look at yours." "yes." "I've done him." "that's him with his shades on." "Yep." "Even though it's night." "it wouldn't matter." "No." "And his nostrils are on the end of his beak for sniffing." "that's extraordinary. you've got that absolutely spot-on." "That is where the nostrils are." "APPLAUSE How about that?" "(LAUGHS) you measure a bird's bill from the tip to the nostril." "they're measuring." "the kiwi has the shortest bill of all birds. but they're very good sneezers." "let's count our chickens." "And the final scores are." "it's Rich!" "APPLAUSE" "And in second place... it's Phil!" "APPLAUSE it's Jo." "APPLAUSE" "What did I get minus for?" "it's Alan." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Let me leave you with one very extraordinary bird tale. arrived on tiny Stephens Island in New Zealand at the beginning of the last century piles of small bird corpses began piling up by the back door." "And the puzzled lighthouse-keeper sent off some samples and was delighted to learn the only flightless perching bird in the world ever recorded." "But it was unfortunately too late." "Tibbles had tracked down and killed every last example of what is now known as the Stephens Island wren." "It's the only case of a single individual wiping out every member of a whole species." "and myself - good night." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Closed Captions by CSI"