"# I'm goin' down to South Park # # gonna have myself a time # # friendly faces everywhere # # humble folks without temptation #" "# I'm goin' down to South Park # # gonna leave my woes behind # # ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor # # headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind #" "# come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine #" " My fellow heroes, tonight, I stopped three murders from happening." "I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime." "We have to find out the source of this evil." "Something big is about to happen and it is up to coon and friends to stop it." "Yes, toolshed." " Why do we have to be called coon and friends?" " What?" " We all fight crime together." "How come we're just your friends?" " Yeah." "We want to be called the extreme avenger league." " Yeah!" "Extreme avenger league." " I told you, tupperware, extreme avenger league doesn't work." " Why not?" " It's confusing." "The coon is a brand people already know." " Why can't it be mosquito and friends?" " Nobody's fucking heard of you, mosquito!" " Have so." " Look, guys, we need to find out what is causing the crime wave in this city." "Mysterion, you and the human kite get on the computer and dig up what you can." "Tupperware and mosquito, scan the news." "Toolshed, you run a perimeter check with iron maiden." " Timmy!" " Let's work, people!" " Uh, mintberry crunch, could I have a quick word with you in the debriefing chamber?" "Okay, um..." "I really enjoy having you be a part of coon and friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees." "It's just..." "I don't..." "I'm not getting your deal." "I mean, exactly what is mintberry crunch supposed to mean?" "I get that you're half-man and half-Berry and that you're crunchy with some mint, but to be a part of coon and friends, you have to have a clear and more superhero kind of identity." "Mintberry crunch, I'm just wondering if maybe you need to add something else to the mintberry crunch part of your costume." " Like milk?" " No, not like milk." "You see, I really think we're on different pages here, mintberry crunch." "It's like you don't even..." " Coon and friends alert!" "Coon and friends alert!" " Uh-oh!" "What's the alert, mosquito?" " There's like a big fire or something in town." " What?" "A fire?" "Coon volume up." " There are thought to be at least 20 people trapped inside the apartment building and firefighters are having no luck." " My God!" "This is what we've been waiting for." "Coon and friends, let's head out!" " Let's do it, yeah!" " Let's go!" " Yeah, uh, mintberry crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the base, okay?" "Cool." "We've got to get downtown fast, coon and friends." "Mom, you gotta drive us downtown." " Oh, it's a little late, sweetie." "Why don't you boys just keep playing downstairs?" " Mom, you're the coon's faithful Butler." "I want to go downtown now." " Well, all right." "I guess I can get some groceries anyway." " Into the coonmobile, everyone." "Let's just hope we get there in time." " All right, you little munchkins buckled up for safety?" " Mom, don't talk to us like that." "We're fucking superheroes!" " Eric, what have we talked about with that language?" "One more time and I'm not taking you anywhere." " Oh." "I'm sorry, mom." "Can we go, please?" "Unbelievable!" " We tried getting in through the back." "It was no good." " Those people are gonna die if we don't do something." " Oh, my goodness!" "It's a fire." " Come on, coon friends." " No, Eric, stay in the car, sweetie." " Can we try a helicopter?" " The winds are too high." "Chopper would burn in minutes." " All right, what seems to be the problem?" " Get back, kids, it isn't safe." " Eric poopsie!" " Whatever is happening, you need help from the coon." " And friends!" " Keep those children back, Thompson." " Please, sir, you must let us..." " Sweetie, let the nice firemen do their job." " Shut up, mom, God!" " Wait!" "Look, up in the sky." " It's him!" "My God, it's really him!" " He's come to help us." "Captain hindsight!" " Who's captain hindsight?" " Captain hindsight, the hero of the modern age." "Once known as Jack brolin, a reporter for the national news, the hero was born when a freak accident gave him the amazing power of extraordinary hindsight." "From toxic spills to unjust wars, there is no task too large for... captain hindsight!" " Captain hindsight, thank God you've come." " What's the skinny?" " There's people trapped in that burning building, captain hindsight, and the fire is so massive, we can't get to them." " Hmm." "You see those windows on the right side?" "They should have built fire escapes on those windows for the higher floors, then people could have gotten down." "And then on the roof, they should've built it with a more reinforced structure so a helicopter could have landed on it." " Yes, of course!" " And then you see that building to the left?" " Yes." " They shouldn't have built that there, because now you can't park any fire trucks where you really need to." "Well, looks like my job here is done." "Good-bye, everyone!" " Thank you, captain hindsight!" " Thank you!" " All right, everyone." "I guess that's it." "Let's pack it up." " Oh, boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon?" " Oh, my gosh, yes." "They said like 14 people died." " It's just ridiculous to me that they didn't build fire escapes on those upper floors." "Ridiculous!" " Oh, I know." "And if you ask me, they should have built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter." " I mean, hello!" " Hey, you guys are just repeating what that hindsight guy said." " Well, yes, Stan." "Captain hindsight is our protector and guardian." "We're just thankful he was there for that fire." "Now we can all eat in peace." " Coon and friends alert!" "Coon and friends alert!" " What the hell is that?" "Who put that there?" " Alert." "Seriously." "All coon friends to base." "Alert, you guys." "I'm seriously." " Mom, dad, I finished dinner." "Can I go up to my room?" " Well, sure, Stan." "How did that thing get there, Randy?" " I don't know." " Well, take it down." "It's noisy." " I can't." "I don't know what happened to all my tools." " All right, toolshed is here." "We can start." " Dude, who said you could put a big siren in my parents' house?" " Yeah." "I almost got in trouble for it." " The coon must be able to signal his friends when a huge catastrophe breaks out." " So what's the huge catastrophe?" " What's the huge..." "Did you guys not see that captain hindsight guy?" " Yeah, so?" " So there's a big superhero out there doing stuff on his own and he's not part of coon and friends." " Oh, Jesus." " I've looked into it, and this captain hindsight is everywhere." "He's like some freelance butthole scab." "We need to make him join us!" " Hey, fellas?" "Fellas, could you let me out, please?" "It's been like six days." " You aren't going anywhere, chaos." " Yeah, but... but you only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full now." "And I ain't got nothing to eat." " You got poop, don't you?" "Now the question is, how are we gonna get captain hindsight to join coon and friends?" " Who cares if a hero doesn't want to be part of coon and friends?" " I care!" " Look, all we need to do is wait for the next disaster, then try to beat hindsight to the scene." " There's not gonna be any worse disaster." "What could possibly be worse than a fire that kills 14 people?" " All right, this looks like a jolly good place." " Yes." "Let's let 'er rip!" " That's it, lads." "Collect that oil." "Uh-oh!" " Oh, dear!" " Oh, don't tell me we did it again!" "Both:" "Aah!" " Coon and friends alert!" " What?" "Jeez!" " All coon friends report to base." "I'm so seriously." "Emergency." "Coon and friends alert!" " Good, you're all here." "Take a look at this." "Coon volume up!" " It's a scene of utter despair and catastrophe." "Oil from the ocean is spilling out, out of control, and the rescue effort seems futile." " It's horrible." "We can't stop the oil from contaminating everything." " Our home is covered in sludge." "Where we supposed to go?" " Just look at all my shrimp here." "My shrimp is the best shrimp this side of Louisiana and that darn oil got all up in my shrimp." "And it ain't worth the slime a new baby is sold on." "Just look at all the oil on my shrimp!" " My God!" "Another oil spill could mean absolute devastation for the Gulf." " We've got to help those people." " Yes." "This is definitely a job for coon and friends." " Let's pack the Gulf full of flavor." " Wait a minute, look!" "It's captain hindsight!" " Oh, no!" " What seems to be the problem?" " It's that BP oil rig, captain hindsight." "It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned." " If we can't stop it, the spill could reach new Orleans." " Hmm." "All right." "You see where that rig is drilling?" " Yes." " It's in too deep of water." "They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill." " Ah-ha!" " Yes, yes!" " Now if it's a valve that ruptured, then what they should have done is installed a backup valve in case that broke." " I believe they did install a backup safety valve, captain hindsight." " Hmm." "Right." "Then they should have had a backup safety valve to that backup safety valve!" " My God, he's right!" " My work is done!" "I'm off to find others in need." " God bless you, captain hindsight." "God bless you!" " God damn it!" "We have got to get that guy into coon and friends." " Can I help you?" " I understand this is where captain hindsight lives?" " Yes." " I need to speak with him, please." " The captain is very busy dealing with the Gulf oil crisis." " I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir." " Mr. hindsight, sir, this young man would like a word." " Please, sit down." "What can I do for you?" " Mr. hindsight, I represent some very high profile people." "I've been asked to give you some really exciting news." "You have been preapproved to become the newest member of coon and friends." " Of what?" " I know the coon personally, and I can tell you being a coon friends is the very highest honor." "As you can see in those papers, your first three months of dues have actually been waived." "This must be amazingly exciting for you." " Captain hindsight!" "Captain hindsight, please come in!" " Go ahead." " The oil keeps coming out." "We've got other rigs now catching fire." " Listen, they should've hosed down the other rigs as soon as the spill began." "Then that wouldn't have happened." " Right." "Thank you!" " Captain hindsight!" "The dolphins that those volunteers cleaned of oil, they're all dying." " Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should've used a non-bleaching cleanser." "Commissioner!" " Yes." " Tell Brett favre he should've never sent actual pictures of his schlong." "Oh!" "It's not a blessing, it's a curse." " So anyways, if you want to just start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in coon and friends right away." " Look, I'm sorry, kid, but I work alone." " Well, see the problem with that is there's a superhero union called coon and friends." "And if you refuse to be a part of that union, you are a scab." " Get this kid out of here." "I have to think." " Fine!" "You'll be hearing from my LA..." "The coon's lawyer, sir!" " The BP oil spill in the Gulf continues to get worse every day." "As public anger towards the BP company grows, their president released this statement." " Hello." "I'm Tony hayward, president and ceo of BP." "Our accidental drilling spill again in the Gulf is a tragedy that should've never happened." "And to all those affected," "I want to say we are deeply sorry." "We're sorry." "Sorry." "BP is taking full responsibility for cleaning up the spill in the Gulf." "And in doing so, we have changed our name to beyond petroleum to dependable petroleum." "Dp." "We no longer fuck the earth." "We dp it." " Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit captain hindsight into coon and friends have been unsuccessful, but I believe I've come up with a solution." "Coon vision on." "All we need to do is get pictures of captain hindsight naked with Courtney love." "Then we'll tell him if he doesn't join us, we'll put them on the Internet." " How do we get pictures of him naked with Courtney love?" " Simple, toolshed." "Coon slide two." "We dress Professor chaos up as Courtney love, take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy, then Photoshop hindsight's face onto it." " Me?" "Oh, come on, fellas, don't make me be Courtney love." " We gotta get to work fast, people." "Coon and friends ho!" " You want us to take naked pictures of butters to use as blackmail?" "That doesn't sound very superhero-like." " That's because you think small, mosquito." "You have a tiny little mosquito brain." "That's why you don't come up with the plans." " No, no, look." "What's going on down in the Gulf is much more important than blackmailing another hero." " Agreed." " Oh, who cares about some oil spill environment crap?" " Mosquito has a good plan, Cartman." "Hear him out." " You don't know that I'm Cartman because my true identity is secret!" " We all have a say in this organization, coon." "Let mosquito talk." " All right, mosquito, how do you want to help people suffering in the Gulf crisis?" " I think we should help raise money for the relief aid by having a bake sale." " A bake sale?" " I have a recipe for lemon bars from my mom." "We could wear our costumes outside the grocery store and sell lemon bars, which would be a good deed and help people." " We're superheroes, not the fucking girl scouts." " Those people down there need help." "Sometimes being a hero means helping in smaller ways." " Timmy!" " You think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind?" " More helpful than taking naked pictures of butters." " Shut up, mintberry crunch!" "You aren't even anything!" " And that's another thing." "No more picking on mintberry crunch." " Oh, what are you, the boss now?" " No, but we're all equals." "From now on, we vote." "Who wants to go with my plan?" " Sounds awesome." "Let's do it." " To the grocery store!" " As we walked along the road to the grocery store, my coon sense started tingling." "Something was wrong." "Very wrong." "I've learned to trust my coon sense." "It has always been my guide." "And so I knew I must act." "A coon must know when to defend itself." " Well, now we're back to normal." "Just like before and all forgotten, right, right?" " Right, right." " Right." " Cool!" "So what's next for coon and friends?" " Another crisis in the Gulf of Mexico as the oil company dp has once again made a huge error." "This time the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension." " The oil company stated that it knew a portal to another dimension was there, but didn't think drilling into it would prove problematic." "Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc." " Hello." "I'm Tony hayward, ceo of dp." "Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened." "And as ceo, I would like to say we're sorry." "We're sorry." "Sorry." " Captain hindsight." "Sir!" "Calls for help are pouring in." "You've got to get out to the Gulf." " I can't help anyone right now." "Something came up." " What, sir?" "You know you can tell me." " Do you remember last week when I got really, really drunk?" " Yes, sir." " Look at those photos on the desk." " My God is that you and..." "Courtney love?" " Of course it's Courtney love!" " But when did you ever..." " I don't remember!" "That's just the point." "I get drunk." "I don't remember things." "I shouldn't have drank that much." "And I shouldn't have mixed alcohols." "Alcohol shouldn't be legal." "Oh, it's maddening!" " That doesn't matter now, sir." "People are getting hurt in the Gulf and they need to know what they could have done." " I should have never kept that bottle of macallan in the pantry." "I should've never gotten around Courtney love and a camera." " I should..." " Sir, sir!" " Creatures from another dimension continue to wreak havoc in the Gulf, and the question where is captain hindsight?" " Where are you, captain hindsight?" " With captain hindsight missing, what superheroes can save the Gulf now?" " My fellow superheroes, I've done it." "Hindsight is taken care of." "And now the country can finally be made aware of coon and friends." " There's more important things to discuss right now." " Right, toolshed." "Now, how do we deal with these creatures from another dimension?" " He means we need to discuss things with you." " Okay, what?" " I don't want to tell him." "Tupperware, you tell him." " I don't want to tell him either." " I'll tell him." "Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of coon and friends." " You're kicking me out of coon and friends?" " We all voted and it was unanimous." " You can't kick me out of coon and friends." "I'm the fucking coon!" " Look, we just believe that you have your goals and ways of doing things and they conflict with what we want to accomplish." " But we get the headquarters and all the equipment." " You don't keep anything!" "This is my basement!" "And I'll tell my mom on you guys!" " We already discussed this with her." "Mrs. Cartman?" " Yes, mysterion?" " Please escort the coon out of our secret base." " Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I?" " Mom, what the fuck?" "The fuck are you doing?" " Eric, you do not beat up your friends, and I told you I've had it with your language." "Your punishment is that your friends will just play superheroes without you." "Go to your room!" " You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" " Oh, dear!" "We have certainly pooped our trousers this time." " Yes, I'm afraid it's going to take more than another" ""I'm sorry" campaign to please everyone this time." " Oh, what a right pickle we're in." " There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid." "The ocean currents and swells are simply too much to get any machines in." " Wait a tick!" "Currents and swells, that's it!" "I think I know how to fix this." " How, by jove?" " We drill." " Drill, of course!" " Good idea." " Yes, of course!" " I believe that if we drilled on the moon, changing its gravitational pull on the ocean swells, we could cap the dimensional spill." " I don't quite get it." " We got into this mess by drilling here and here." "Now we need to drill here." " That looks extremely promising." " Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here, and here at the same time." " The seismic forces will be massive." "Do you think the moon can take it?" " Oh, she'll take it." " The dp oil company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems." " Uh-oh." "I have a feeling we better get into our costumes again, guys." " Tom, the dp oil company has had another drilling accident." "This time they appeared to have unleashed the dark and mighty cthulhu." "The rise of cthulhu from another dimension brings about 3,000 years of darkness, tom, where we will all be driven to madness and made to serve as cthulhu's cult of slaves." "The president of dp oil released this press statement." " As president of dp oil," "I want to say... we're sorry." "I'm deeply sorry." "Sorry." " Cthulhu r'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." "Praise the dark cthulhu." "Long may he reign." " It's up to us, guys." "Let's get to the Gulf!" " Darkness has taken over our town." "The coon friends have given in to evil." "It's up to the coon to stop them." "Assholes!"