"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "These are the Transylvanian Alps... dark, forbidding, and dangerous." "And even now amidst the jagged peaks... we hear tortured screams of terror and torment... the screams of some poor soul... whose doom is sealed and whose fate is met." "But what doom and whose fate?" "Wednesday, 15th February." "Dear Diary, today I got up, washed face, brushed beak." "Went downstairs, looked in refrigerator." "Fresh out of broccoli." "Felt cross." "Had argument with Nanny." "Then Igor suggested..." "Oh, drat!" "There goes my train of thought." "So, what do you want, Igor?" "About your diary, milord..." "My diary, Igor, is my business and no one else's... until it's published, that is." "It was not that wished to see your diary, milord." "It was your diary that reminded me." " Reminded you, Igor?" " Yes, milord." " Oh, reminded you of what?" " Your great-grandfather." "I see." "My diary reminds me of your great-grandfather, huh?" " Almost correct, milord." " I see, but why?" "Your great-grandfather used to keep a diary, too, milord." " He did, huh?" " Hmm, he did indeed, milord." "Well, where is it?" "I'd kind of like to have a look at it." "An admirable idea, sir." "It might give you some helpful hints." "What do you mean..." "on how to write a diary?" "No, milord, on how a vampire should conduct himself." "That's enough, Igor." "You know what I think about vampires." "Still, I'd like to see the diary." "Huh." "It might lift the boredom for an hour or two." " It would, milord, it would." " Oh, well, where is it?" " Uh..." " "Uh"?" "What do you mean, "Uh"?" "I don't know, milord." "Here, you don't mean that old book... that's been propping up your bed for the last hundred years or so?" "Yes, Nanny, the old book that's been pr-pr-p-p-p..." "What?" "What?" "Nanny, what did you say?" "It's here." "Igor!" "Igor, look, the diary!" "I've found the diary!" "Ah, happy memories." "Between those covers, milord... you will find the key to the behavior of a real vampire." "It is an invaluable primer..." "a work that will teach you how..." "Oh, pipe down, Igor." "Let's read the thing, huh?" ""Friday, October the 13th." ""The last hated rays of that noxious, malignant orb, the sun..." ""dim in the western sky..." ""as, Igor, my faithful and trusted manservant... without whose aid I would..."" "What's that, milord?" "Nothing, Igor." "Just a boring bit." "Ah. "Lifts the lid of my coffin, and I rise to greet the night."" "Ooh, save us!" "What's happening?" "It's all right, it's all right, Nanny." "This is what we call a flashback." "Good evening, Igor." "Good evening, milord." "And a most horrible night it is, too, if I may make so bold, sir." "Yeah, the sort of night that makes one feel good to be dead, eh, Igor?" "Precisely, milord." "I feel a trifle hungry." "I think I shall take a stroll to the village and bite a neck or two." "An admirable notion, milord." "A nice aperitif?" "Yes, Igor, they're lovely, and soon I shall be sinking them into..." "Oh, ha ha!" "Aperitif." "Ah." "Now to work." "I'll get it!" "No, Nanny, please let..." "Oh, how did that happen?" " Who is it, Nanny?" " It's a man from the village." "Says he wants a word with the master." "Ha ha!" "Breakfast on the hoof." "Waah-ha!" "Good evening, my dear sir." "And what may I do for you?" "Dr. Von Gosling at your service." "I was hoping that you might allow me to take a photograph of you... for the Illustrated Transylvanian News." "We would like to feature you as aristocrat of the month." "But how charming." "Of course, you realize that the picture... may not be one of the highest quality." "And why would that be?" "Because... you cannot take a photograph of a vampire!" "Not so fast, you fiend!" "No, master!" "It is a trap!" "Yes, yes, there's no camera." "It is my newly invented anti-vampire mechanism." "Take that, you monster!" "Got him!" "The vampire is destroyed!" "The beast is no more!" "Master!" "Master!" "It's all right, Igor... a mere scratch." "But he shall pay for this." "He shall pay." "He shall pay." "Boy, that's powerful stuff." "Oh, sir, how it takes me back." "Igor?" "My apologies, milord..." "an attack of nostalgia." "Ooh, I've got some ointment for that, Mr. Igor." "Nanny, Nanny, stop wobbling." "You're making me dizzy." "Sorry, Duckypoos." "This diary is hot stuff." "Boy, if this was a book, it'd sell thousands, millions e..." "Hey, wow!" "Oh, no, milord." "Not an idea." "Yes." "A newspaper would pay big money to serialize this." "Oh, sir, not a newspaper, please." "Yeah, I'm gonna be rich." "And famous, too, probably." "Sir, I beg of you." "Not now, Igor, I'm busy." "Mwah!" "You little beauty." "Hello." "Is this the Transylvanian Morning Sun?" "No, madame, agreed." "You do not sound like the Transylvanian Morning Sun." "You sound more like a demented turkey with a sore throat." "Madame, please." "Yes, and good day to you, too." "He's got more crossed lines und wrong numbers... since I've put this tap on his phone than..." "Hmm." "Ah." "Aha." "Sounds like he's getting through again." "Hello, Transylvanian Morning Sun?" "Ah, that's a relief." "Put me through to the editor." "Ha ha." "Have I got a scoop for him." "This is going to make the fall of the Roman Empire look like..." "No, no, no." "Ah, good morning." "Hmm." "Aha." "Well, this is most interesting." "A diary, hmm?" "Well, how's about that?" "Ha ha." "Whatever next?" "Wait." "Wait just a moment." "An idea into mein head seems to be creeping." "Oh, brilliant!" "Sheer unadulterated genius!" "Ha ha!" "Back home to get mein disguise." "Aah!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "It's as good as sold." "Heh heh!" "I can almost smell that money." "Indeed, milord." "Yes, Igor, indeed." "Of course, the editor will want to come up... and take a look at the diary and..." "Come up and..." "Oh, no, look at the place!" "Yes, milord?" "Well, look at it." "It's a dump." "It's an absolute..." "Nanny!" "Nanny!" "What is it, Duckypoos?" "Ah, there you are, Nanny." " Yes?" " Now, what I want you..." "How do you spell nymph?" "It's n-i-m-p..." "So, we've got... what?" "What do you want to know that for?" "It's my diary." "I likes to get the spelling right." "Your di... ha ha." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "You're writing a diary?" "I fail to appreciate the humor in that, milord." "Yes." "No." "Why, milord, you yourself keep a diary." " Yes, I know that, Igor." " As do I." "Yes, but, I mean, Nanny..." "I mean, you know, Nanny's..." " You do?" " I do, milord." "What is this?" "Have I started a new craze around here or something?" "Someone starts writing a diary... and all of a sudden everybody's writing diaries." "Oh, no, no, no, no, milord." "I've kept my diary up to date for some five centuries now." "Five?" "Yes, well, that's no excuse." "And anyway, it's besides the point." "We've got to get this place tidied up." "Now, then, disguise, disguise." "How about this?" "No, no, no, no, that don't look like a reporter." "This?" "No, no, that's too smart." "How about, um..." "No." "That's... that's too stupid." "How about, um..." "Hey, what's this?" ""Dr. Von Gosling, His Diary."" "What a coincidence." "Mein great uncle, he was keeping a diary also." "Hmm, hmm, let's have a look at this." "Ah. "Wednesday, 1st April." ""A young friend of mine, a Mr. Rheinfeld..." ""has recently returned from a short holiday in Transylvania." ""He seems to be most distressed." "He says..."" "Hey, what is happening here?" "What's... what's going on?" "My dear Rheinfeld, you look as though you have seen a ghost." "In a manner of speaking, Von Gosling, I have." "What can you mean, my dear chap?" "I had a most disturbing encounter in Transylvania... an encounter with a vampire." "A vampire?" "You mean a bat?" "No." "It is... that is, he is a Transylvanian count." "A Count Duckula." "No, no, no, you must be mistaken." "The last Count Duckula died centuries ago." "I know, and yet he lives." "And the means by which he lives is so horrible... so foul as to defy imagination." "Please calm yourself und explain." "This monster keeps himself alive by drinking blood." "He will make two small punctures with his fangs in the jugular vein, here." " And then?" " And then... he sucks the very lifeblood from his victim." "Had I heard this from anyone but you I would not believe it." "That is why I had to turn to you." "Anyone else would say I was mad... mad, I tell you..." "mad, mad, mad, mad!" "Boy, this is hot stuff." "Ah. "Tuesday, 7th April." ""I resolve to travel myself to Transylvania..." ""to get to the bottom of this mystery... that so preoccupies my friend Rheinfeld."" "Oh, I wish it wouldn't keep doing that." "A vampire would a-courting go" "Hi, ho, says Rowley" "A vampire would a-courting go" "With his cape, his fangs, and his blood red eyes" "Hey, ho, says Anthony Rowley" "Good evening." "What do you want?" "First, I would like something to eat." "I have travelled far today." "Then I would like some information." "Oh, information?" "Information." "I wish to know about he who is known as Count Duckula." "You dare speak his name?" "Is something wrong?" "Wrong?" "Wrong?" "Perhaps you do not understand the fear we live in from day to day... the constant dread that tonight may be the night... when he will take you and bite your neck and..." "I have come to help you." "Help us?" "Help us?" "Ha ha ha!" "Yes." "I have come to destroy the fiend... but first you must tell me all you can about him." "Destroy him?" "Huh." "You'd never get past Igor, for a start." " Igor?" " Yeah, Igor, his manservant." "He protects his master's coffin all day, he does." "You mean the Count lives in a coffin?" "Well, by day he does, ar." "That's 'acause he can't stand the light of day, see?" "One shaft of sunlight catches him and poof!" " Poof?" " Yeah, poof." "He crumbles into a little pile of two thousand year old dust." "Aha." "Now we're getting somewhere." "And another thing... he don't like garlic." "Ar, garlic." "Hates garlic, he does." "Well, I'm not too partial to garlic myself, but..." "No, no, sir, you're missing the point." "You see, garlic do keep him at bay." "Hold a string of garlic up to him... and he can't get at you, you see?" "Ar, do make him all weak and wobbly." "Very powerful anti-vampire medicine it is, garlic, sir." "This is all very well, but if I can't get to him in the daytime... and only keep him at bay at night, how..." "Stake, sir!" "Oh, don't tell me he doesn't like steak, either." "What about french fries and a side salad?" "Not that sort of steak, sir." "No, he means a wooden stake." "A sharpened wooden stake, sir." "What about it?" "You takes this stake, see... and hammer it through his heart." "That's the only sure way to destroy a vampire, sir." "A sharpened wooden stake and a hammer, eh?" "I think I might just have an idea." "I have with me a camera." "Oh, boy!" "All this wobbling is making me feel sick." "Hmm." "Now, yes..." ""That night, I constructed a most ingenious device." ""I placed a sharpened wooden stick inside my camera..." ""und behind it an explosive charge powerful enough..." ""to project the stake through the heart of the foul fiend." "Suddenly..."" "Hohenzollern-zigmarunden!" "The camera!" "Mein uncle's camera... it used to..." "Ja, here it is!" "Oh, ho." "Hmm, let's see." "Um, mm-hmm." "Ja." "Ah." "Seems to be in perfect working order." "Ah!" "But of course." "This will complete mein disguise as Fritz Von Alpenhorn... ace reporter und photographer with the Transylvanian Morning Sun." "Ha!" "Duckula, prepare to breathe your last!" "I'll get it." "No, Nanny, please." "Don't worry, milord." "We have no front door at the moment." "Oh, that's a relief." "My mistake, milord." " Order a new front door, Igor." " At once, milord." "It's a man from the paper." "Shall I send him in?" "Yes, Nanny, please do." "Good afternoon." "And a very good afternoon to you, too." "I am Fritz Von Alpenhorn... ace reporter und photographer with the Transylvanian Morning Sun." "Und I would of you a photograph like to be taking, ja?" "Ja." "I mean, you got it, Fritz." "I don't like it, milord." "Remember what happened to your great-grandfather... when confronted with just such a camera." "Silence, Igor." "Silence." "No more." "Cease." "Be quiet." "Hush." "Hold your tongue." "Now, where do you want me?" "Oh, just there will be most acceptable." "Now hold still, please, while I..." "How do you want me?" "Serious?" "Studious?" "Stern?" "Or maybe light-hearted?" "Laconic, even?" "How about the duck about town?" "Just hold still, please." "Three, two, one..." "Fire!" "Gotterdammerung!" "Goosewing, how did..." "I mean, what..." "I mean, what..." "I mean get out!" "Luck is on your side again, you monster... but you have not seen the last of me." "Dr. Von Goosewing, greatest vampire hunter in the world... will be back!" "Yes, yes, have it your own way." "You'll be back." "Now just run along, would you?" "Look at the mess you've made." "Look at the mess he's made, Igor." "Yes, milord." "Yeah, well, don't just stand there, Igor." "Get it cleaned up." "The real news..." "Ah, that'll be the phone." "Hello?" "Yes, I am he." "Yes." "How are you?" "Oh, good." "Now..." "Oh, I see." "Not the sort of up-to-the-minute news... your readers would appreciate, huh?" "I see." "They prefer up-to-the-minute hard-hitting facts, do they?" "Well, well, all right." "Maybe my great-grandfather isn't the sort of guy... your readers can relate to, but..." "Yes, yes, but, you see, I, too, am a diarist... and if it's up-to-the-minute hard-hitting facts your readers..." "I see." "Has it ever occurred to you... that maybe your readers are a bunch of philistines?" "Cheapskate." "Dear Diary, an eventful, if disastrous day." "Got up." "Felt cross." "Brushed beak." "Didn't wash face." "Wanted to look mean." "Came downstairs, shouted at Nanny." "Sulked." "I wanted to kick the cat, but we don't have one." " Went to..." " Good morning, milord." "Good, Igor, good?" "What's so good about it?" "Milord seems in a somewhat disconsolate mood this morning." "So would you, Igor, if you'd..." "What is that you've got, Igor?" "Oh, this, milord?" "It's the newspaper." "The newspaper?" "After what they've done to me?" "Give that here, Igor." "It's going straight in the..." "in the... the... the..." "Igor, what's this?" ""Exclusive... a glimpse behind the closed doors of Castle Duckula."" "Ha." "They changed their minds, Igor." "This is terrific." "I'm gonna be a star after all." ""Today we publish a fascinating series of excerpts..." ""from the diaries of..." "Igor, butler to the Counts of Duckula."" "Igor, is this true?" "It is, milord." "I decided that maybe you were right after all, and that..." "Right?" "Of course I was right!" "I'm always right!" "But you, you, you, you, you, you turncoat, you Judas, you..." "How could you do this to me?" "Good morning, all." "Yes, good morning." "Nanny, what are you wearing?" "Oh, I've got to look smart, haven't I?" " You have?" "Why?" " For my program on the wireless." "Oh, I've never seen you get dressed up... to watch the radio before, Nanny." "Why now?" "Hush, hush, hush, hush." "But only seven of the potatoes were recovered." "And that's the news at half past nine." "And now the Transylvanian Broadcasting Corporation... brings to you the first in a series of programs... about life below stairs in a Transylvanian castle." "We present "Diary of a Nanny."" "Aah!" "Once more, dear viewer... we hear blood-chilling screams tear at the Transylvanian sky." "And once more I say to you... good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"