""Some are born great Some achieve greatness Some have greatness thrust upon them..."" ""...and then...there are others..."" "Harvie was born into the world upside down, back to front." "and was christened Harvek Milos Krumpetzki." "His father's name was Maciek" "A lumberjack with hands as big as shovels and hair that smelt of pine needles." "His mother's name was Liliana." "A weary woman with lead in her veins from working in a mine." "She was obsessed with counting her fingers and had conversations with people... that just weren't there!" "The other villagers stayed well clear." "But she didn't need friends, now that she had her miracle." "Harvie grew strong and healthy he had his father's ears and his mother's open heart." "but soon his parents began to notice peculiarities." "he began to have odd twitches and liked to touch things with his index finger   with no reason at all." "When he met someone, he had to touch them on the nose." "The doctors said he had Tourette Syndrome." "A brain disorder that meant he couldn't control his impulses." "It was like trying to control a sneeze." "there was no cure or explanation." "At school, Harvie was called a thick." "His friend was Bogush." "Boggush stuttered, and had problems with his  mucous." "The other kids threw stones, and together they were tricked, teased and tortured." "until Liliana pulled Harvie from school, and decided to educate him herself." "although she was a illiterate, she knew about FACTS... and filled his brain with 'all sorts of stuff'." ""An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain"" ""Butterflies smell with their feet"... and "Elephants can't jump   no matter how hard they try"!" "Everyday he wrote more and more facts in a notebook he carried...everywhere!" "Fakt 48:" "Fakts still exist even if they are ignored." "As Harvie grew taller and stronger," "His mother grew shorter and madder slowly fizzling into insanity." "Often she'd mistake him for an intruder!" "Harvie followed in his father's footsteps." "He liked working with him, but at times felt he needed to be alone with his problems." "He'd ponder the world beyond, wishing for things to change  and suddenly they did!" "He returned to find his home burnt to the ground." "His mother had left the stove burning in the night and Harvie found his parents nearby, frozen  and nude." "Fakt 116:" "Certain frogs can come back to life when thawed." "Humans do not." "But there was more to come." "The Germans invaded!" "Harvie escaped and found himself on a ship bound for a place called ..."Australia"" "His world was turned upside down and back to front  again!" "Harvie ended up in a small suburb called Spottswood." "He rented a small house with eleven other migrants, and tried to assimilate as best he could, changing his name from Harvek Krumpetzki... to "Harvie Krumpet"" "He got a job!" "And many years went by as he saved his money and tried not to indulge." "Life didn't change much, but his body did." "His hair fell out and re-grew on his shoulders." "In the evenings, he'd learn English off an old television he'd found amongst the rubbish." "He put little curtains on it and found it a mesmerising source of facts." "The first thing he ever watched was a BUSBY BERKELEY film." "He fell in love with all the bosoms and smiles." "It was so different to the Spottswood dump!" "At work, he tried to make friends... but for Harvie, it wasn't easy..." "Harvie's skull had split in half." "The doctors inserted a steel plate between his scalp and skull and laced it up with 19 stitches." "He was left with a scar that looked like he'd had a lobotomy." "Harvie wished he had more hair." "He left the dump and tried new jobs." "He seemed to get sacked a lot." "He didn't know why." "But he was always discovering more facts." "Rubber bands last longer if refrigerated." "The Bible was written by the same people who thought the earth was flat." "And time does not heal all wounds." "One time, Harvie got a job collecting golf-balls." "This is where he got struck by lightning..." "But he survived... and even made it into the local newspaper!" "RETARDED MIGRANT SURVIVES LIGHTNING STRIKE!" "Harvie began to wonder how he'd survived so much bad luck." "Maybe he was like a cat and had nine lives." "He thought he had about four left." "Actually, the biggest threat to his daily life was the twenty-eight cigarettes he smoked." "He developed asthma, so went and saw his doctor." "In those days the dangers of smoking were not known." "Dr Greystane recommended Harvie smoke even more." ""Smoke is soothing for the lungs" she'd say, "just like steam in a sauna!"" "His asthma worsened... and for every ten cigarettes, he had to have a puff from his asthma pump." "Years later, his doctor died from emphysema   just as the dangers of smoking were finally revealed." "Fakt 142:" "A cigarette is a substitute for your mothers nipple." "Harvie kept collecting facts, and one morning discovered one about himself ..." "His steel plate had become magnetised from the lightning strike ..." "Harvie made the papers... again!" ""RETARDED MIGRANT BECOMES HUMAN MAGNET!"" "Harvie's optimism began to crumble." "He thought about fate's horrible dealings, how he felt powerless:" "a victim to the world." "He wondered if he should just throw it all in ..." ""Seize the day, Harvie!" "Seize the day!"" ""Carpe Diem!"" "These simple profound words struck a chord." "Harvie decided to turn his world upside down and back to front... again!" "He stopped believing in fate and did exactly what the statue said." "He felt free and alive and joined a nudist group!" "He became a vegetarian and joined an animal liberationist society, liberating chickens and their eggs!" "Harvie didn't just 'seize the day'... he was strangling it!" "Fakt 268:" "There are three times more chickens in the world than humans." "Despite his enlightenment, physical problems still plagued him." "One of his testicles developed cancer and had to be removed." "But this was when he met Nurse Valerie Burstall!" "She had everything he didn't and was everything he wasn't." "Yet instantly, their pheromones fizzled together like ice cream and lemonade." "They decided to get married and had the ceremony in Cancer Ward 9." "Harvie wanted a nude wedding, but Valerie and the hospital forbade it." "Fakt 372:" "The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does." "Harvie had lost a testicle but gained a wife." "He moved into Val's small apartment with her two cats and parrot..." "Brian." "Brian had a parasitic disease, which made his feathers drop out." "Valerie was constantly knitting little jumpers to keep him warm." "For some reason, the pets resented Harvie." "Fakt 586:" "Love does not conquer all." "Harvie and Val went to bed early every night and tried to get pregnant." "But there was not enough sperm in Harvie's lonely testicle ... and he was declared sterile." "They decided to adopt... and came across a little thalidomide girl." "They related to her immediately, took her home and named her Ruby, after Val's mother!" "So little limbless Ruby, big bold Val   and magnetic Harvie ... became a family." "Harvie gave up working and dedicated his time to teaching Ruby what he knew about the world." "He taught her that animals had rights too... and to always respect the environment as well as herself." "He told her about the beauty of being nude and to be never ashamed of your body." "Everybody was... 'unique'." "Some people had less bits some had more bits." "For every new fact she remembered, he would stick a gold star to her wall." "She adored her father..." "He was full of tricks and was like having her own private clown." "Fakt 698:" "The average person uses nineteen miles of dental floss in their lifetime." "At school Ruby excelled." "She went into university and came out a lawyer, then moved to America and started her own practice   championing the rights of the disabled." "Harvie and Val were extremely proud." "On Harvie's sixty-fifth birthday," "Valerie's brain clotted   and she died." "It was such a shock!" "She'd never been sick!" "Harvie was all alone again." "He had his daughter..." "but she was so far away." "He became a hermit and stopped washing." "His mind wandered slowly into senility." "It wasn't long before they took him away  when a neighbor found him trying to withdraw money   from the microwave." "Fakt 804: 42% of the population can't remember their pin number." "So began the last phase of Harvie's life  at "Pleasant Paddocks"." "He shared a room with a man called Hamish McGrumbel." "Hamish looked like something off a tin of shortbread, and had nostril hair that looked like he was housing a family of spiders." "He was 94 years old and had given up the will to die." "He also had Alzheimer's ... and had recently burnt his ear, trying to answer the iron." "Harvie and Hamish pretended to dislike each other." "Harvie often stole Hamish's teeth ...returned them, and then showed him where they'd been." "But Hamish always had his revenge ..." "Sometimes they'd sneak alcohol into the home and put on drunken shows with knitted finger puppets the ladies were making for charity." "Everyone was thoroughly entertained, but were less than impressed  when they found Harvie the next morning in the corridor." "From then on, Harvie was to remain clothed at all times." "NUDITY IS STRICKLY FORBIDDEN BY ORDER OF THE MANAGEMENT" "Fakt 914: alcohol can cause drunkeness and nudity." "Often Harvie escaped at night and took Hamish on animal liberation jaunts." "They'd spray slogans on shop windows and on their way home paint over teenagers' graffiti with their own sayings." "Escaping Alzheimer's patients were a particular problem at Pleasant Paddocks." "The staff would find them at bus stops, waiting to go and see relatives long dead." "To solve this, they put an old bus stop in the home's garden  where the Alzheimers could sit for hours... waiting for a bus that would never come." "Time drizzled on while everyone sat around and waited to die." "Harvie's Alzheimer's began to worsen as he slipped in and out of dream worlds especially when the local church group visited." ""God Is Better Than Football"" ""God is better than beer"" ""God is better than cricket"" "'Cause God's there all the year." "He isn't shut on Sundays, He isn't stopped by rain" "He's better than a captain coach You can talk to Him again and again and again and again and again..." ""God is better than football"" ""God is better than beer"" ""God is better than cricket"" "'Cause God's there all the year." "After these magical episodes, Harvie would get extremely depressed and was put on an amazing new drug." "But the only thing that really cheered him up, were letters from Ruby across the world." "He wished she'd visit more..." "Harvie's mind grew darker and the fire in his belly began to fizzle." "One night, he decided to end things." "But life had one more challenge for Harvie." "On the way back to his room, he came across a woman he'd never met." "Her name was Wilma." "She had a cancerous goiter and was embarrassed to leave her room during the day." "She was waiting for death to hurry up." "They sat and spoke..." "long into the night." "In the night, Harvie realised he had some more living to do." "Wilma had decided she needed no more." "Thank you..." "Harvie was going to enjoy what time he had left." "He took off his clothes and went and sat in the morning sun." "It shone on his face and he smiled for the first time in a long while  as he waited for the invisible bus." "He knew it would never come." "But... he didn't mind."