"Rhod.Gilbert.The.Man.With.The.Flaming Battenberg.Tattoo.2012.DVDRip.XviD-HAGGiS English HI SRT subtitles" " UF (v1.00)" "(MUSIC PLAYS)" "Coming soon to this auditorium." "In fact, very soon." "Actually, now." "In his BBC Two series Work Experience," "Rhod Gilbert has tried many different jobs, fearlessly pushing himself to the limit of human endurance." "But one would leave its mark on him for ever." "I've come to this tattoo studio to, er... start my training." "In order for you to do a tattoo on someone," "I really think you should have a tattoo yourself, a proper tattoo." "A proper tattoo." "A proper tattoo." "I don't even know why I'm doing this." "I don't know what to have." "I don't even want a tattoo." "I'm certainly not looking forward to it." "(BUZZING)" "Ay... ah." "Ay-ay... aah!" "Oh!" "Aargh!" "Aargh!" " (BUZZING)" " RHOD:" "Aargh!" "At least Battenberg's only got two colours." "I never want to see another Battenberg in my life, Dave." "I've changed my mind." " You... you'll be back." " I won't be back, Dave." "Oh, it wasn't really that bad." "It was really that bad, and I will never be back." "(AUDIENCE CHEER)" "(MUSIC PLAYS)" "COMPERE:" "Ladies and gentlemen, please give a huge welcome to the stage, the one and only Mr Rhod Gilbertl" "(CHEERING)" "Hello, hello." "(CHEERING)" "Hello, hello, hello!" "All right!" "Go on!" "Awesome!" "Hello, good evening." "Welcome to the show." "This is a special recording of the show, if you hadn't worked it out already, here at the wonderful Hammersmith Apollo, ladies and gentlemen." "Look at this place - awesome!" "It's, um..." "This show, um... is called..." " WOMAN:" "The Flaming Battenberg Tattoo." " The Flaming Battenberg..." "Yeah," "I hadn't forgotten, if I'm honest." "I... (HE LAUGHS)" "Thank Christ." "If I need help at this stage in the gig, we are..." "I am seriously up shit creek, if you have to..." "And you're not the most subtle prompter." "Normally, they'd be in the wings, to be honest with you, not sat in the audience." ""Oh, God!" "He's forgotten already!" "We're only on page one!" ""Oh, Christ!" ""He's forgotten the title of the show!" "What a disaster!"" "It's called..." "Yes, it's called The Man With The Flaming Battenberg Tattoo." "It's the story..." "My shows are always a story." "This is the story of how that flaming Battenberg tattoo changed my life." "It saved my life, right?" "And I don't mean that in a kind of "it deflected a bullet" kind of way." "I just mean it, um..." "it saved me from myself, right?" "Because a year or two ago, I think it's fair to say, my girl..." "Basically, this is a story about my girlfriend and I a year or two ago." "We were in what you would call a rut." "Now, is anybody else here in a bit of a relationship rut?" "(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)" "(RHOD LAUGHS)" "Hundreds!" "Literally hundreds!" "And the rest of you..." "I can see by your faces that some of you are, and you're not admitting it." "I can..." "I can see lots of people just going..." ""We are, aren't we, darling?" "Yes, we are."" "We were in a rut." "I don't know what kind of ruts you're in, right?" "The kind of rut we were in was that, um... it was a very volatile and argumentative relationship." "It was up and down, like a roller coaster." "One minute, everything was so good." "Have you been in this situation?" "One minute, everything is awesome and you talk about getting married, right?" "And then the next, five minutes later, things are so shit, that you're talking about splitting up again." "I don't know if any of you have been in that situation." "It's a nightmare." "But the rut is that you don't do either." "That's the rut." "It would be fine if you got married." "It would be fine if you split up." "But the rut is where you just sit there being in it, and I'm taking that silence to be a lot of you just going," ""Fuck!" "That is exactly where I'm at."" "That's the rut bit, right?" "And this is how volatile our relationship was." "We got engaged once." "We managed to get engaged once." "We went round John Lewis in Cardiff, right?" "(HE LAUGHS)" "Yes, we've got one." "Live with it." "(LAUGHTER)" "We went round John Lewis in Cardiff, making... doing a wedding list." "You know when you go round and you go, "Yes, we'll have that"?" "The wedding gift list from everybody." "And then we did the list and an hour later, we were in the café in John Lewis, where we argued so badly that we divvied everything up on that list, right?" "So, we were sitting an hour later, putting initials next to who was gonna have what when we split up." "So, she's like, "I'm having the dinner plates!"" ""We haven't got them unless we get married, you twat!" "Get a grip, right?"" "That's how volatile it was." "It was good, it was shit." "It was like that." "A lot of this..." "This show is different for me." "If you've seen me before." "This show is the first time I have admitted..." "Because some of you... it might come as a shock to some of you to learn that a year or two ago, back at the time I'm talking about," "I could be quite a petty, contrary, argumentative little shit, right?" "(HE LAUGHS)" "This is the first time I've admitted I used to be like that." "I've always denied it." "I am not like that now, right?" "This is a new mellow me you are looking at." "I'm not perfect." "I'm not..." "I'm not completely over it." "But I'm a lot better than I was." "I've had anger management." "And a lot of this show, I will be coming back and forth to this." "This is the actual anger management diary that I had when I was doing my anger management sessions." "Basically, it's a bit like a normal diary, except every day somebody gets twatted." "That's an anger management diary." "Somebody gets the shit kicked out of them every single day of my diary." "It's a sort of cross between Bridget Jones's Diary and Ronnie Kray's, if you can imagine such a diary, right?" "And basically what this is, if you don't know, is you go to anger management sessions, and then in between the sessions they give you this to take away, and then you write down every time you get annoyed, right?" "So you write down what time it was, where you were, who annoyed you, who said what to whom, how you could have avoided the situation, what you've learnt from the whole experience, right?" "The whole thing bugs the shit out of you for the first few months." "It winds you up more than you were angry in the first place, having to fill out the tedious detail on this form, and I..." "I know all forms are a bit shit." "There's stupid questions on all forms, but some of the things on here..." "And bear in mind the context." "You are angry when you pick this up." "That's the nature of an anger management diary." "You're angry in the first place." "And then you come to questions like this, right?" "At every single incident, I had to fill out this question." "Um..."On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is not at all angry" ""and 10 is feelings of very strong anger or rage," ""how angry would you say you were at the start of this particular incident?"" "Right, well, what's the point of having a scale where 1 is "not at all angry" on an anger management diary, right?" "Because when... seriously, when are you gonna get so wound up you're thinking, "This is outrageous!" "Where's my diary?" "Get me..." ""Pass me my diary!" "Right!" "1." ""Not at all angry." "There we go." ""That's sorted that shit out."" "When is that gonna happen?" "I've put..." "For the record," "I've recorded all answers on this diary using a new, more logical scale, where 1 is "somewhat angry", right, and 10 is "as angry as Tom Cruise in Alton Towers"." "Right?" "That's my..." "That's my scale." "If I say 10, that is how wound up I am getting." "Right?" "So you know." "These stupid questions!" "And..." "Yes, and I tell you what." "You know what used to piss me off about this?" "I used to go every two weeks for anger management." "Some people go more often." "They went every week." "Some people went every month." "I'd go every two weeks, and in my group there was people who used to..." "Well, they used to wind me up more than anything that had happened in the previous two." "There was this little woman, right?" "She must have been about 65." "But every time, she'd stand up and she'd go, "I hope nobody minds," ""but there is one thing in my diary I'd like to get off my chest." ""My husband said something to annoy me last Tuesday."" "I'd be like, "One thing?" "Sit down, man!" "We've got this shit to get through!" ""We'll do your one thing on the end if there's any bloody time!" ""But meanwhile we've got War And Peace here without the peace," ""so sit down, you old bat, right?"" "The session finished at ten o'clock." "Then I had to get downstairs." "It took me a minute to leave the building, right?" "Incident 1. 10.04, right?" "There we go." "Incident 2. 10.27." "Incident 3. 10.36." "That's nine minutes later." "The 10.27 is still happening." "The 10.36 is going alongside in brackets." "Right?" "I'm filling this out with two hands, like trying to keep up." "And I'm like Edward Diaryhands trying to keep up with my own bloody emotions." "It worked over time, like I say, right?" "But it..." "It didn't work overnight." "I'm gonna read you some, um, some early ones." "Cos if I ever published this, you would see, like over time, you'd see it working." "So they get, you know..." "Progressively, I kind of..." "You can see that my attitude is changing, I get better." "But I think it's fairly safe to say, at the start my heart wasn't really in it." "I'm gonna read you some early examples." "Because, anything like this, anger management counselling, you've got to want to change, like they say, you've got to want to change." "I think it's fair to say from my tone that I wasn't quite in the right frame of mind, right?" "I'll read you an early one here." ""Who or what would you say was the main cause of your stress or feelings of anger" ""on this particular occasion?"" "I've put "First Great Western rail company"." " (LAUGHTER)" " Oh, hello!" "Some fans in." ""First Great Western rail company" ""decided that me popping to London on the train from Cardiff" ""should cost the same as an all-inclusive seven-night holiday in Spain."" "(LAUGHTER)" "Oh, for a family of 48." "I forgot." "(LAUGHTER)" ""In your..." "In your own words..."" "See, listen to the tone." "This is not a man who's ready to change." ""In your own words, describe how you felt at the time."" "Well, in my own words," ""I felt like First Great Western had pulled my trousers and pants down," ""bent me over the counter," ""and force-fed an entire baseball bat into my bottom."" "See?" "(LAUGHTER)" ""What action did you take to combat the stress..."" "(LAUGHS) "What action did you take to combat the stress or feelings of anger?" ""For example, counting to ten or breathing exercises."" ""I wrote everything down in this amazing anger management diary." ""And I instantly felt so relaxed," ""I barely noticed the last nine inches of bat going in."" "That is..." "(LAUGHS) That is not a man who is ready to change, is it?" "Those are the early ones." "That's what they're all like at the start." "Is it any wonder that my girlfriend and I argued, right?" "That's what I was like." "That's what a dickhead I was to have around the house." "We argued, and the rut we were in." "See, the rut we were in, where one minute we were getting married and then the next minute we'd argue and we almost split up." "I think that... when you're in your 20s and 30s, that's fine, isn't it?" "It doesn't matter." "But I'm in my mid-40s, nearly, for Christ's sake, and she was knocking on a bit as well, frankly, right?" "(LAUGHS) Um..." "I didn't say that to her." "And that's it." "Do you know what we did?" "This is what we did." "I even answered to this." "We've got to..." "You know, we need to move things one way or the other, forward or back, we need to do something." "And what we both said and we both agreed was, let's..." "Let's have a make-or-break trip, right?" "We thought, we've never been to New York." "We needed a holiday." "Let's go to New York." "If it's..." "If it goes badly, let's bloody split up, right?" "Bugger it." "And if it goes really well, let's get married." "And we booked this New York trip about five weeks down the line, and then that five weeks became the most difficult five weeks of my life, because we were desperately trying not to split up before we went on that make-or-break trip." "Just every day we would argue." "It's no exaggeration to say every day we almost split up." "I would..." "It's no exaggeration, 50 times a day, I would say." "The closest..." "The closest we came to splitting up, er... was Christmas, and if any of you saw me on TV, er... on Christmas Day, you... (LAUGHS) If you saw me on TV on Christmas Day, you may be..." "You may have some inkling as to why we almost split up on Christmas Day." "That is because my girlfriend got me the shittest Christmas present" "I have ever been given in 40-odd years on this planet, which was the Oral-B Triumph 5000 toothbrush with Wireless SmartGuide, right?" "Now, if you did see this on television at Christmas, right, it... it was heavily edited and they missed out a lot of stuff." "They cut..." "They edited out a lot of important stuff." "I'm gonna give you the full argument that we had now, because there's things I need to say." "Cos I get people coming up to me in the street and going," ""Rhod, what are you on about?" ""Why were you whinging about that toothbrush on Christmas Day?" ""It's a really good toothbrush." "I've got one." Or, "I've got one similar."" "That has never been my problem with this." "My argument with it..." "My beef with this has never been that it's not a good toothbrush." "It could be the best pissing toothbrush on the planet." "I couldn't give a toss." "My argument was always that this is a boring, mundane, functional, shitty present." "I got my girlfriend an iPad and tickets to New York." "She got me a toothbrush as my main..." "You might as well..." "This is as boring..." "You might as well have got me a plug-in air freshener or some bleach." "Her argument was that it's a good one." "I don't care." "Just because the technology's improved." "You would never have given somebody an old analogue acoustic toothbrush and gone, "There you go, that's your main present."" "It's like giving somebody a toilet brush and then when they open it up and go, "A bog brush for Christmas?"" "You go, "Yeah, but it's a good one." ""Feel the weight of it." "It's a belter." "Oh, Christ!" ""Feel the handle!" "Look at this!" "The shit's coming off like wet paper!" ""God, this is awesome!" ""Hey, somebody else have a shit!" "This is awesome, this is!" ""God, this is the best Christmas I've ever had!"" "# Jingle bells, jingle bells... #" ""In fact I'm gonna shit and use it at the same time!" ""This is how much fun I'm having!"" "No!" "It doesn't make it a good present because it's a good one of a shit thing." "Right?" "But I admit, I admit, the reason we both wanted to split up at Christmas is because I overreacted." "I opened the present, and then my first words were..." "I was a bit aggressive." "I said, "How much did you pay for that piece of shit?" Right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I was a bit aggressive." "But she countered with the equally offensive, "It was reduced."" "That makes..." "That makes it better, that, doesn't it?" "So, I've got a reduced toothbrush as my main Christmas present." "I said, "How much was it reduced to?" Thinking she'd say £2, £4, £7." "Maybe up to £9." "But I certainly wasn't expecting, "Rhod, it was a bargain." ""It was only £179.99."" "To which I said, "Jesus!" "A tooth..." "A toothbrush for under 200 quid?"" ""God, you've certainly dug out a bargain there, haven't you," ""you little bargain hunter, you?" ""Who's a clever girl?" ""200 quid for a toothbrush?" ""God, I wish I knew where to shop like you do." "I..." ""There's a bit of extra spending money for us for New York!"" "And this is where she started justifying it by saying how good it is." ""But it is a good one." "It's top of the range." ""It is a bargain, cos this is the best toothbrush money can buy."" "She started justifying it with some of these benefits," ""Look, it's got a daily clean mode!"" "What toothbrush hasn't?" "Right, and then this is..." "This is where it turned..." "Where I got really angry, cos she said, "Look, it's got a computer on it!" "Right?" "That's why I got it for you." ""I saw it advertised." "It's the toothbrush with on-board computer!"" "I said, "Wow, that changes everything, doesn't it?" "With a computer!" ""At the moment I'm still using a separate toothbrush and laptop!" ""Is it pretty straightforward to get everything onto the toothbrush, is it?" ""Do I just put all my files on a USB stick and copy them onto the toothbrush, do I?" ""How does it work?" She said, "Oh, I don't know if it's a computer in that sense."" "I said, "Well, I mainly do word processing." ""Or can I check my emails?" "Go online?" ""Does it get the Internet?" "Can I..." "Can I synch it with my iPod?" ""Has it got iTunes?" She said, "I don't think it does any of that."" "I was like, "Well, what the pissing hell does it do," ""this amazing computer toothbrush?"" "She said, "It tells you how many times you've used the toothbrush."" ""I won't throw my laptop away just yet." ""Never mind." "It's still good." "Don't get me wrong, it's still awesome." ""It'll still save me taking an abacus into the bathroom when I clean my teeth." ""No more scratching five-bar gates into the walls up there, eh?" ""Those days are gone." ""Finally I can get rid of all these boxes of paper teeth-cleaning records" ""that have been cluttering up the bloody house all these years." ""No more burning the midnight oil up in the loft," ""looking over the toothbrush admin," ""trying to get the figures to match for my accountant." ""Are you off your...?" "Why would...?"" "I said, "This is about as much use as a pair of talking shoes" ""that tell you how many times you've worn them."" "She said, "Where do you get them?" I said, "I made them up!" ""There aren't any talking shoes!"" ""Oh," she said, "they sound really good." I said, "No, they don't!"" ""I used to work in a shoe shop." ""Sometimes people would bring shoes back and you didn't know if they'd been worn."" ""If you..." "If you want to invent a pair of whistle-blowing snitch shoes," ""that can grass people up for wearing them," ""then you can." "I still don't know why I'd want a toothbrush" ""that tells me how many times I've used it."" "She said, "It's so you know when to buy a new toothbrush."" "I said, "Do you think I'm as thick as shit?" ""I know when to buy a new..." "I'm not an idiot." ""Do you think I'm..." "Maybe I'm unusually gifted!" ""Call me The Toothbrush Whisperer." "Call me Dances With Toothbrushes." ""But I know when to buy a new toothbrush." ""It's when the one I'm using starts looking less like Ken Barlow" ""and more like Ken Dodd!" "It's not rocket science." "It's really pretty simple." ""And how many times I've used a toothbrush has got nothing to do with it." ""Do you think if I came home and found you cleaning shit off your shoes with this," ""I'd grab it back off you," ""check the on-board computer and go, 'Hang on a minute, love," ""'that's got two more goes left on it, that."'" "These pathetic attempts to justify..." ""Oh, it's got a timer on it!"" "I was, "Why didn't you say that in the first place?" ""A timer?" "Thank God!" ""Only this morning I fancied a boiled egg," ""but I didn't have a toothbrush handy to time one." ""I tried timing it on a hand-drier, on a loofah, all sorts of things," ""but the yolk was far too runny." ""Why the pissing hell has it got..." She said, "You don't understand." ""It's so you know how long..." "It knows how long you've been brushing your teeth."" "I said, "So do I!" "I was there when I started brushing them, you bell-end!" ""I was there!" "I started brushing them!" "What's the worst that could happen" ""if I forget when I started brushing my teeth, anyway?" ""You think I'm gonna lose track of time?" ""Plough on into the night, brushing them through the following day?" ""And the day after that." "Day after day up there." ""Brushing away with no idea where my..." ""'What day is it, love?" "I seem to have been up here quite a while now.'" ""Two weeks later the neighbours have started to worry," ""cos I haven't been seen for a fortnight" ""and there's froth coming out of the bathroom window." ""What's going on?" "There's froth." ""The street drivers are crashing into each other with reduced visibility." ""The pedestrians staggering helplessly." ""'The foam!" "My eyes!" "The peppermint!" ""'The peppermint's stinging my eyes!" "'" ""Search And Rescue helicopters whirr overhead as..." ""Eventually riot police break down the door to find me" ""in a foam-filled bathroom in blood-soaked pyjamas," ""still brushing a toothless, gaping, bony hole where my face used to be," ""like some kind of minty Danniella Westbrook!"" "(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)" "She said..." "She said..." "She said, "Don't worry, it'll never get that far," ""cos this beeps when you've brushed them long enough."" "(LAUGHS)" ""At last!" "A toothbrush that beeps when you've brushed your teeth long enough."" "Honestly!" "She said, "It's not just that it knows how hard you're brushing," ""it tells you when you're brushing too hard." ""It's got a visible pressure indicator."" "I was like, "So have I." ""I've got a built-in visible pressure indicator." ""As soon as I see that toothbrush pop out the back of my head," ""as soon as I hear that crack at the back of my skull," ""and I see the toothbrush in the back," ""I think, 'Oh, Rhod, you've been a bit heavy-handed there.'" ""'Better ease off a bit on the old pressure!" "'" ""I should listen to you." ""Bloody...!" "All a toothbrush needs to be" ""is some bristles and a stick thing to hold the bristles in place, that is it." ""And as it's Christmas, if you really want to spoil me," ""get me one with a thing on the back to scrape the shit off my tongue."" ""This is just a packaging-heavy, electricity-wasting, bloody 180 quid!"" "I said, "Where do you even buy something like this?"" "And she said..." "I swear to God she said, "Oh, don't be angry," ""but I got it on three months' interest-free credit."" "I said, "We could have our house repossessed" ""cos you can't keep up the payments on my toothbrush!"" "(HE LAUGHS)" "She said, "We can take it back if you don't like it."" "I said, "No, we can't." "That's the worst thing about all this." ""I have to keep this," ""because I definitely want to talk about it on stage one day and nobody's..." ""Nobody's going to believe me if I haven't got the bloody thing to show them."" "Even if you saw this on..." "Do you know what the ultimate..." "The real irony of this is, is, er..." "I talked about this on TV on Christmas Day." "But if you were incredibly observant/anally retentive, you might notice that this is slightly different packaging to the one I had on TV on Christmas Day." "The red is different." "It wasn't red on it or something." "It's the same model toothbrush but the packaging is different." "They've updated the packaging." "And the reason I have one with updated packaging, is because on Christmas Day, when I whinged about this on TV, I threw it." " Give me a cheer if you remember that." " (CHEERING)" "You do?" "Some of you do." "I threw it, and it landed in the wings of the theatre down there." "And then I left, all excited." "I left the theatre that way, the stage, that way." "Right?" "I went home, and then the next morning I woke up, and I thought, "Where's my toothbrush?"" "And I rang the theatre, I rang my agent, the production company, right, the people who make the TV show, and some bastard nicked it." "Somebody on that TV show nicked the toothbrush, leaving me in the most humiliating ironic position I've ever been in, of having whinged about it solidly on national television for five minutes on Christmas Day." "Two days later, I was in a shop trying to buy another one." "(HE LAUGHS)" "With the woman on the till going, "You've changed your tune!"" "(LAUGHTER)" ""Made enough fuss on Christmas Day!"" "And do you know, I can't get it out of my head..." "This is the idea I can't get out of my head, is that if my girlfriend had just spent a little bit more, you know, and got one with an alarm and an immobiliser on it it couldn't have got nicked in the first place." "Who would have thought in the final analysis, the bottom line would have been she skimped?" "That's the real problem." "Yeah." "Don't let me forget that." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "All of these arguments that we used to have, that was the closest we came to splitting up." "But we didn't, because we said, "No, we must give ourselves a chance" ""and go on this make-or-break trip to New York." ""We owe it to ourselves to try." ""Stay together long enough to go on that trip, right?"" "And I said at the start, this is the first show where I've been honest and admitted that most of it is my fault." "All of it's my fault." "I get too bogged down with things that don't matter." "Petty, pathetic, trivial, inconsequential, shitty little things." "That's my life." "And I am the worst combination." "I'm petty, I'm contrary, right?" "So contrary, I will argue with you..." "God, don't get into an argument with me." "It's tedious, right?" "I will argue with you long after you've lost interest, lost your temper, and left the room, died, right?" "I will still be on." "I'm petty." "So, I won't let anything go, the slightest thing." "This is..." "I'm kind of ashamed of what I'm about to tell you." "But this is how I've improved." "In the old days, I used to write to companies." "This is how petty I was." "I would write to companies that irritated me." "And I'm not talking about big annoyances, big things that we all rightfully get annoyed about, you know." "I'm talking about the kind of low-level irritation that we all have 100 times a day and most of you probably just ignore." "It just washes over you, right?" "I'll give you an example." "I was, um..." "A few years ago, I was having a bath." "Right?" "I've had one since." "I was having a bath, right?" "On the side of the bath..." "there was two bottles of Imperial Leather shower gel, right?" "They were different stuff." "One of them was called..." "One of them was called Invigorate." "Right?" "One of them was called Relax." "And they were different colour bottles and different colour stuff inside them." "But I was just lying in the bath and I can remember thinking," ""I bet that's the same shit in those bottles."" "You know that feeling?" "That feeling..." "I was just lying there thinking," ""Oh, I suspect I may have been conned" ""into buying two bottles of the same stuff through their clever marketing."" "I'm sure many of you here have had that kind of low-level irritation, and then you got on with your lives, whereas I spent two and a half hours writing to Imperial Leather." "Why two and a half hours?" "Because it's not enough for me to just go, "Hey, Imperial Leather, you bastards!" ""I bet that's the same shit in those bottles!" Send!" "That would take ten seconds." "That would be... that wouldn't be so bad." "No." "I have to..." "I have to make my point in a kind of, er... sarcastic..." "The word "cleverdick" isn't used very often these days but I would describe my letters and emails that I send to companies as cleverdick." "I was trying to make my point in a sarcastic, cleverdick manner." "I will read you a reply that I got from Imperial Leather." "Right, this is..." "My girlfriend used to go bonkers about this." "She'd come in the room." "She'd go, "Who are you writing to now?" "I'd be like, "Imperial Leather." "Get out, it's important, right?" She'd be like," ""It's just shower gel, Rhod." I'd be like, "Shut the door!" ""It's bloody important!" "Shut up!"" "Two and a half hours." "Because I used to make shit up." "Make shit up, lie, whatever it was, to make my point, just to score a petty little victory." "And I will read you the reply I got from Imperial Leather." "It'll give you some idea of the lengths I used to go to." ""Dear Mr Gilbert." ""Thank you for your email." ""I am sorry to hear that our shower gels did not meet your expectations." ""However, given the unusual nature of your experiences..."" "(LAUGHTER)" ""..." "I thought I would clarify a few matters relating to our products." ""It is true that we market our shower gels differently." ""Our Invigorate shower gel is certainly intended for morning use." ""Its citrus notes and bright pack help you wake up and start the day." ""Conversely, our Relax shower gel, with dark blue pack and lavender scent," ""fits a soothing, end-of-day soak in the tub." ""In your email, you say you accidentally got these two products mixed up."" "(HE SNORTS)" "It's as pathetic as it is amusing, you have to admit." ""In your email, you say you accidentally got these two products mixed up" ""and used them at the wrong times of day." ""I would like to reassure you that using Invigorate shower gel in the evening" ""would not keep you up all night in the manner you describe."" "(LAUGHTER)" "Don't laugh." "It's tragic." ""Nor would it induce the violent side effects you say you suffer."" "Just making shit up, just to make a pathetic point." "Look. "Similarly, mistakenly using our Relax shower gel in the morning" ""would not leave you feeling groggy all day." ""I am sorry you feel your wedding day was a write-off, but..."" "(LAUGHTER)" ""And I sympathise with the intimate performance issues you experienced..." ""on such an important occasion." ""But it is simply not plausible that our shower gels were responsible."" "(HE LAUGHS)" "The embarrassing thing is that I'm willing..." "The lengths I'll go to," "I'll even put down there that I had premature ejaculation, just to try and pin it on a shower gel." "Moving on. "Please accept our sincere condolences."" "(CHUCKLES)" ""The death of a grandparent is an emotional time." ""And for this to happen on Christmas Day must be especially difficult." ""However, I believe you expected too much of our Comforting bath foam."" "I do..." "I enjoy this paragraph." "This is my favourite paragraph." "Listen." "Well, imagine." ""We certainly believe it can enhance a relaxing bathing experience." Right?" ""But we would not expect it to offer real emotional support at such a time..."" " (LAUGHTER)" " No shit, mate!" ""...or lessen your or your grandmother's sense of bereavement."" "I had literally put in an email that my grandfather had died and that night we had given my grandmother a bath with Comforting bath foam in it, and it hadn't raised her spirits at all." ""PS, Lynx is not made by us." ""Lynx is not made by us, and you should contact the manufacturer directly" ""if you feel so inclined." ""However, since you ask my personal opinion," ""I think it highly unlikely that Lynx will accept direct responsibility" ""for your grandfather's death." ""Lynx Voodoo draws on the exoticism and mystery of the cult..." ""...the exoticism and mystery of the cult of voodoo in its marketing," ""but as far as I'm aware does not claim to harness the cult's alleged powers." ""I would suggest that your grandfather's untimely passing" ""and your using Voodoo at the gym" ""were entirely unrelated."" "(LAUGHTER)" "He..." "He ignored my favourite part." "Most people never replied, right?" "And he ignored..." "Well, one of my favourite paragraphs." "I'll read you a paragraph from my email to him, which he ignored, cos I pushed it that bit too far." "It's fatal." "You can't push it too far." "You've got to get the tone just right." "I'll read it to you in the manner that I wrote it, right?" "Cos I wrote this fairly pompously at the time so I'll read it in the tone that I remember writing it." "Um..." ""I read the information on the label of the Invigorate bottle with great interest." ""It says you don't test your products on animals." ""Well, I can't say I blame you." ""I can only imagine what chaos would ensue in a laboratory full of monkeys" ""that have been showering with such a powerful stimulant."" "It's just the wrong side, isn't it?" "It's the wrong..." " (LAUGHTER)" " Just too far!" "And, yeah, sometimes..." "Most people ignored me." "Sometimes, though, sometimes you could feel people starting to get irritated, and lose it." "He never got wound up with you." "Everything was a straight bat." "But sometimes you could feel people bristling and really annoyed that they were..." "I was going to say, having to reply to you." "They weren't, cos most people never replied." "But I'll read you one paragraph from the Body Shop where she starts to lose it, right?" "(LAUGHS) This..." "And this... and this..." "This is, right..." "Some things, I know why I'm annoyed." "I know why I get angry." "Some things, I can articulate it, I can tell you quite clearly." "Some things, I've got no idea, right?" "Just something instinctive bugs me." "Sometimes I've got an inkling." "With this one, I've genuinely got no idea, right?" "I've genuinely got no idea what annoys me about this." "Because with the shower gels, I'd bought them." "I felt a bit conned, so I could be angry about it." "With this, it was my girlfriend's stuff, it was some Body Shop products," "I hadn't bought them, she hadn't even bought them, the money hadn't even come out of our household budget, so why possibly was I..." "Why was I annoyed?" "Why?" "There is no explanation." "I'll tell you what bugged me, was the fact that the products were all in a little basket nestling on a bed of hay." "That was it." "That wound me up." "I can't..." "All I can say is, "We're not having this shit." ""Where's my laptop?" "Right!"" "I will read you one paragraph from the Body Shop to me, right?" "Most of..." "Most of this email's very boring, but I'll read you one paragraph where I think she starts to lose it." "(CHUCKLES)" ""I was a little confused by some of your questions," ""but I have attempted to answer them in good faith nonetheless." ""The hay surrounding the products is a selection of dried grasses." ""It is included simply to maximise the visual appeal of the bath soaps" ""and performs no other function."" ""I would suggest you use your normal judgment" ""in deciding where to keep the product after purchase."" "Ooh." "(CHUCKLING) She's starting to blow." ""The..." "The products may of course be safely removed" ""and kept in your bathroom or wash bag," ""and they will be equally happy on a shelf or on the side of the bath." ""It really does not matter at all." ""They do not need to be kept on a bed of hay." ""You do not need to provide fresh hay for them." ""And you..."" "(HE LAUGHS)" "I'm ashamed." "I'm ashamed of this." "I... (SNORTING)" "I'm ashamed that I used to..." ""And you certainly do not need to consider storing them in a barn." ""Yours sincerely..."" "So tragic." "Honestly." "(LAUGHS) I'm ashamed." "It's..." "It's tragic." "And that's not even the pettiest stuff I've done." "No, honestly, I think..." "Cos I think one of the pettiest things I've ever done..." "This is what this show is kind of about." "...is this tattoo." "That's one of the pettiest things." "Cos I did..." " (A FEW CHEERS)" " No, I had it just to make a point." "That's the only reason I had this tattoo." "Because what you didn't see from that trailer, and you didn't really see in the TV show when it went out, was I had the..." "I was getting pressure to have a tattoo from two angles." "One was the tattooist Dai." "Lovely guy, right?" "And he had a..." "He had a very good point." "If you're going to tattoo somebody for this TV programme it makes sense if you have a tattoo first so that you know what it's like, so you can empathise with them when you're doing a tattoo on somebody else." "Good point, but it wasn't enough to make me to have a tattoo." "But from..." "What you didn't see was, cos it was behind the camera, was the production team were all going," ""Oh, go on, have a tattoo." ""It'll be funny." That was it." "That was the extent of their argument, right?" "That was how persuasive they were." ""Go on, it'll be funny." "Have a tattoo."" "I was like going, "No, I don't want one." I think tattoos are pointless." "If you're out there tonight and you love tattoos, that's your bag." "Awesome." "I don't like 'em, right?" "I think they're pointless, right?" "And I don't want one." "So, I said to them, "I don't want one, frankly."" "They were going, "Yeah, but it'd be funny, though."I was like,"Shut up!" ""I don't want a tattoo." "If I was going..." ""Excuse the shit pun, but if I was going to have a tattoo by now..." ""I'm in my 40s." "I would have had it off my own back, right?"" "In the end, they went on about it so much that I went..." "I kind of went, "Right," ""I will have a tattoo, but just to show you how pointless they are," ""I will have the most pointless tattoo I can possibly think of."" "So I ended up with a cushion with a Battenberg cake on top of it, with flames coming out the back, right?" "And once I'd had it," "I was there going, "Do you see now how pointless tattoos are?" ""Have I made my point well enough?"" "In my head, I genuinely thought I'd won that argument, right?" "I showed..." "I showed them." "I showed them a thing or two." "Yeah, you judge for yourselves who you think won that." "The producers wandered off, going, "He's a bit weird." "Job done." "There we go."" "(LAUGHS)" "And I've got a Battenberg cake on my back for life." "Who won?" "You decide." "It's pathetic, and..." "And this almost split us up, the tattoo, as well." "We argued really badly about this, because I came home..." "Basically, you must understand, I left the house without a tattoo, and then I came home with..." "Well, that's how all tattoos work." "I don't know why I said that." "I, um..." "Yes, point taken." "As far as my girlfriend was concerned, I left without a tattoo." "I didn't..." "You know, I didn't say I was gonna get a tattoo, and then I came home, and suddenly I had a tattoo." "That's what..." "That was the situation for her." "She hit the roof, right?" "I didn't..." "I didn't think she'd give a shit." "We are..." "We are not tattoo people." "We've never discussed tattoos." "She hasn't got any." "I haven't got any." "I don't think the word tattoo has ever been mentioned in our relationship in the five years..." "Suddenly she goes bloody mental that I've got a tattoo, right?" "It's in my diary, right?" "It's in my anger management diary." "Look at this." ""What would you say was the main cause" ""of your stress or feelings of anger on this occasion?"" ""My girlfriend."" ""In your own words, describe how you felt at the time."" ""I felt like my girlfriend was a massive twat."" "(SNORTS)" ""What action did you take to combat the stress or feelings of anger?" ""For example, counting to ten or breathing exercises."" ""I counted to ten and then I did some breathing exercises." ""And then I shouted, 'You're a massive twat!"' Right?" "Because..." "I think you will be with me on this, right?" "Because it's not often I expect people to be on my side, but she..." "She went berserk, she hit the roof when I came home with a tattoo, right?" "Not for any good reason." "There was lots..." "There were lots of good reasons why she could have been angry." "If she'd said to me, "Rhod, you know," ""I've got to hang out with you and you've got a bloody Battenberg on your back!" ""You look a dick!"" "If she'd said that, I'd have gone, "Yeah, you're right, fair enough."" "You know, guilty as charged." "It's not why she's angry." "She was angry for two reasons, neither of which have any bearing on anything, right?" "She..." "A, she doesn't like marzipan." "That's the first one, right?" "A brilliant bit of logic there, love." "Oh, you don't like marzipan?" "You don't like one of the ingredients of a tattoo." "And then the next... just..." "The next one was even worse." "The next reason, she was going, "Oh, why didn't you..." ""But you could have had one to remind you of me." ""You could have had a tattoo that would have reminded you of me" ""that would have been a little secret significant meaningful thing between us."" "To which all I could say was, "Yeah, dunno, didn't."" "(SMACKS LIPS)" "I said to her, "That would have been a meaningful tattoo," ""and the only reason I had this was" ""I was trying to make a point about how pointless tattoos were" ""so I had a pointless tattoo." ""If I'd had one meaningful one, that wouldn't have worked." ""It would have defeated the object, right?"" "But then she started going, "Well..." ""Well, would you have one of me on the other shoulder?" ""Maybe you could have something," ""you know, to remind you of me on the other shoulder?" ""Something, a little secret thing." "Only we would know about it." "It'd be quite nice."" "And I was like, "Have you lost your pissing mind?" ""I..." "I didn't want this one."" ""You want me to have another..." ""I'll just cover myself in tattoos that other people want, shall I?" ""Because this is where this is heading."" "I said, "I didn't want the first one." "Why would I...?" ""And you've never wanted a tattoo." "Why...?"" "She said, "Yeah, I sort of secretly..." "I suppose I would have." ""All my life I've kind of wondered."" "I said, "Well, this is the first I've heard about it," you know, and she was like, "Yeah, I think it'd just be nice," ""with the Battenberg there, it'd be nice to have one."" "I was like, "Are you jealous of the Battenberg?" ""Seriously, do you see it as some kind of love rival?" ""Is that why you want to be on the other shoulder next to it?" ""Because I'll come clean with you," ""I'll tell you right now where I am with Battenberg," ""in case there's any ambiguity," ""in case you feel it's a threat to our relationship." ""I don't mind Battenberg, right?" ""But I wouldn't shag it, right?" ""If you offered me a slice, I might eat it, right?" ""But I definitely wouldn't have sex with one, if that's what you're worried about." ""It's no threat to our relationship." "There's no need to feel insecure." ""In fact, I'll tell you right now, I've only ever had sex with one dessert," ""and it was a very long time ago in university" ""and I was so pissed up on tequila," ""I swear that Arctic roll came on to me, right?"" "It was... (LAUGHS) I mean, have you ever been that pissed on tequila where you lose your mind completely?" "I'd been back and forth to the..." "I'd resisted him three or four times in the freezer, too." "Him?" "That was a Freudian slip." "I didn't mean that." "Never mind." "I resisted her." "Does it matter what gender the Arctic roll was?" "Yes, I bummed an Arctic roll." "That's right." "I was nasty with an Arctic..." "I haven't had sex with an Arctic roll, anyway!" "It was just a joke, for Christ's sake!" "Although if you are gonna have sex with an Arctic roll, here's a tip." "Let it stand for a couple of minutes." "That's my advice." "I haven't had sex with an Arctic roll or a Battenberg or any other dessert, frozen or ambient, right?" "But, listen, do you know how we left it?" "This is how we left it." "She said, "Oh, maybe when we get to New York, if everything goes really well," ""maybe, you know, if we're gonna get married and stuff," ""and we have a good trip and it goes really well," ""maybe you could have a... a tattoo of me on the other shoulder," ""then we could have matching tattoos or something in New York, right?"" "And I..." "We left it like this." "I said, "I think you've lost your mind, but..." ""But I will do it, if you really want me to, I will do it."" "The relationship..." " (WOMAN SHOUTS)" " Shut up." "(APPLAUSE)" "No, I..." "I think..." "I..." "I think I may have..." "So far, I..." "I think I'm making everything sound a bit doom and gloom." "I think I may have inadvertently glossed over the good parts of our relationship." "It's not that there weren't any." "I just can't think of them off the top of my head, that's all." "Planning the trip." "Planning the trip to New York." "That was a good thing." "Cos it reminded us of why we'd got together in the first place." "How much we had in common." "Because we wanted to do the same things." "In New York." "We were looking up stuff to do and we wanted to do exactly the same..." "I mean, I'm not an idiot, right?" "I know that many people who go to New York want to do many of the same things." "(LAUGHS) I'm not saying she said, "I'd quite like to see the Statue of Liberty,"" "and I went, "Christ, so would I!" "We're made for each other!" ""What a coincidence!"" "I don't mean that." "I..." "I mean quirky little things, you know." "Oh, not quirky, but you know." "Like she found a little blues bar, the Terra Blues bar, in Greenwich Village." "She said, "I want to do that." I was like, "Yeah, we used to go to blues together."" "You know, we remembered why we'd got together in the first..." "It reminded us of the..." "She wanted to go on the Sex And The City tour." "And for Christ's sake, keep this to yourselves." "So did I!" "I did." "I really..." "We..." "when we first got together, we'd go round to her flat and we'd watch Sex And The City and it was..." "We really liked it, it was..." "And sort of planning that trip reminded us of why we'd got together." "And, you know, there were good days." "I bought a ring." "I bought a..." "I bought another bloody engagement ring." "Because we'd been engaged before." "Er... this is such a bloody con, girls." "We'd been engaged before, but we hadn't gone through with it and got married." "So, I said, "Well, if in New York..." ""If it all goes well enough and we're gonna get married again," ""you've still got that ring, haven't you, the first one?" "And she's like, "Oh, I can't use that, can't possibly use that." ""Oh, no, that's bad luck."" ""Yeah, bad luck for me, cos I've got to buy a-pissing-nother one." ""That's who it's bad luck for." "That's if it's bad luck, cos..."" "So, that was good." "You know, there were good times is what I'm saying." "But despite that, despite the fact that there were good times, I..." "My abiding memory of this period, five weeks, when we were trying..." "Well, that's my memory of it, is that we were desperately trying not to split up before we went on this make-or-break trip." "Lots of things..." "Lots of things jeopardised that trip, right, it almost never happened for many reasons." "Usually it never happened..." "You know, it almost never happened because we argued and almost split up, but sometimes there were other things." "She got ill." "I was ill at one point." "There was..." "Work got in the way, you know, as it does." "We almost didn't go cos of work." "If you believe the, um... the manager of Tesco Metro's in Cardiff, then I almost..." "We almost..." "The trip almost never happened, because I almost, apparently, got arrested in Tesco Metro's in Cardiff." "I didn't." "Well, I did not even almost get arrested." "It was something and nothing, a storm in a teacup." "It was just a jumped-up little shit of a manager." "I was in a bad mood." "I'll level with you." "I was in a bad mood when I walked in that Tesco Metro's." "And I was in a bad mood because..." "And you would have been the same, right?" "This is..." "We lived in Cardiff, right?" "The next day, we were going to New York, so we had to get to London." "We'd booked on the 6.55 train, First Great Western, from Cardiff to London, right?" "We had to get on that train." "That's early." "We're not morning people and we had to get on that early." "Then we had to get to London, then get across to Heathrow, and then fly to New York." "So, I said to my girlfriend, "Hey, how about this idea?" ""There's a lot riding on this trip." "It's make or break." "Let's..." ""How about we stay in tonight, have an early night, get a good night's sleep," ""so at least when we set off tomorrow morning we're not bickering" ""and irritable and shit."" "She's like, "Sod that." "I've got seven days off." "That's all I've got." ""It starts tonight." "I'm off on the piss with my mates, right?"" "So, she went out in Cardiff on the pop drinking while I stayed in on my own." "I went to..." "I went to Tesco Metro's on my own to get my own bloody dinner." "It's in here." "I'll tell you what happened, right?" "It's here." "You will see that it is something and bloody nothing, right?" "This is..." ""Where..." "Where were you?" "Location?" "Tesco Metro's, Cardiff."" ""What would you say was the main cause of your stress or feelings of anger?"" ""A baked potato."" "(SNORTS)" ""What action did you take to combat the stress or feelings of anger?"" ""I called the manager."" ""How was the situation resolved?"" ""I was asked to put the courgette down and leave the supermarket."" "Well..." "I know, by the way, I..." "All of this show is me looking back at what an idiot I used to be." "I'm with you." "I know you're gonna say, "This is petty." I know." "This is an example coming up of me being extraordinarily petty." "I know that." "So don't bother bloody heckling me, right?" "I realise that." "All of this show is me looking back at what I used to be like." "Um..."Give a brief description of the incident," ""including details of any relevant conversations that took place."" "This is me. "Excuse me." "I'd just like one jacket potato, please."" "Right?" "The manager. "I'm sorry, sir." "They come in packs of two." Right?" "Me. "No, they don't." "You did that."" "Yeah." "I know..." "I realise..." "See, this is the thing." "I know this is petty, right?" "The manager's like, "What do you mean?" I said, "This isn't Noah's vegetable rack." ""Right?" "Potatoes come in ones." "It's one potato, two potato, three potato, four."" ""Not two potato, four potato, six potato, pissing eight." "Right?"" "She said, "Yeah, but there's two in the pack."I said,"I can see that." ""I just totted them up on my new toothbrush." ""I've got the figures." ""I don't..." "I don't actually need two, because there's only me in the house." ""My bloody selfish girlfriend's gone out on the piss," ""and I'm having a jacket potato for dinner," ""and I'm pretty confident that I can nail it first time, right?" ""So, I don't need a spare," ""I don't need a contingency potato, in case it all goes wrong." ""So just take one out, and I'll be on my way."" "She said, "We can't do that." "We don't sell them singly." ""Perhaps you could take the two and have the other one another time."" "I said, "I know, I would normally, I'd love to," ""but the thing is I'm going away at six o'clock tomorrow morning" ""and I don't really want it for breakfast, right?"" "She said, "Couldn't you take it with you?"" ""You want me to take a jacket potato on a romantic break?" ""I'll just tell my girlfriend she can't come," ""because I'm taking a baked potato with me."" "She said, "I didn't say instead of your girlfriend."" "I said, "What, you want the three of us to go together?" "Is that it?" ""That's even bloody weirder, isn't it, that." ""What am I gonna tell..." "It's a romantic break!" ""What am I gonna say to my girlfriend?" "'Come on, love." ""'You have to admit things have been a bit lacklustre in the bedroom recently." ""'I hope you don't mind, but I've brought this along." ""'Bend over and say hello to King Edward!"'" ""'I'll take him back and exchange him for a Maris Piper if he doesn't fit!"'" "She said, "Oh, I didn't know it was a romantic break."" ""What does it matter what sort of break it..." ""Even if it was a business trip," ""I probably wouldn't take a potato to America with me." ""It's where potatoes came from in the first place, for one thing." ""What am I gonna tell their customs officers?" ""That I'm bringing their potatoes back one by one?" "Is that it?" ""'Don't worry, officer." "They didn't get far!" "And this one's the ringleader!" ""'Come on, you!" ""'Shift your arse!"'" "(LAUGHS) But this where I apparently could have been arrested, cos I said, "Give it here." "I'll split the pack." ""Give it here." "I'll bloody break the pack open."" "But she's like, "You do that, you could be arrested!"" "I said, "And charged with what?" "Separating potatoes?" ""Oh, look, I'll be out in six months with a good lawyer!" "You don't frighten me!" ""Yes, he's very good!"" ""Look, calm down!" "Can't you just give it away?"" "I was like, "Of course I..." "Actually, of course I can!" "What am I thinking?" ""It's my niece's birthday on Sunday." ""Do you know I hadn't thought to get her a potato this year?" ""She was so disappointed with last year's onion" ""that I didn't think of a vegetable," ""and of course if I do get her this," ""the cheese and beans I got her for Christmas" ""might actually make some sense!" ""She has been wondering!"" ""I didn't mean as a present!" "Just give it away!"" "I said, "What, you want me to stand here in the fruit and veg aisle" ""till some other sad loser comes in looking for one jacket potato" ""and then beg him to go halves on a pack of two with me, is that it?" ""Eh?" "I'm not doing that again." ""I was here till half-past four this morning with a triple pack of peppers," ""in case you've forgotten!"" ""You try getting shot of a yellow one in the middle of the night!" ""It's full of bloody idiots in here!"" "This is... and I know this is petty, right?" "And I..." "I've said to you tonight that sometimes I know why I'm annoyed, sometimes I've got no idea, sometimes I've got an inkling." "With this one, I know why it is." "It's great." "I know why it is." "It's because it's pissing packaging!" "Packaging winds me up, because we don't need it." "We don't need any of the shit they put all this stuff in." "We have to pay for it, it goes on our bill, and then we can't get rid of the stuff for 500 billion years cos it won't pissing decompose, and..." "But they blame us." "They blame us." "She started blaming us." "She said, "Well, it's our customers." ""Our customer feedback..." "We've done focus groups" ""that shows customers want potatoes packaged like this."" "I said, "Are you seriously telling me you've done focus groups" ""where people sit around going, 'Do you know how I'd like my potatoes?" ""'I don't know if you can manage this, but I'd like them in a pair." ""'Obviously I'd like them on a Styrofoam tray." "I'm not an idiot." ""'I'd like them..." "A label on each potato saying 'Potato'," ""'and then I'd like the whole thing wrapped up in Cellophane," ""'and then another label on the outside" ""'reminding me that there's two potatoes inside the Cellophane!" ""'Because you know what's always happening to me?" ""'And I am sick of this, and I can't be alone here." ""'There must be other people who get home after a hard day's work" ""'in just enough time to have jacket potato for dinner," ""'and then there's not enough labels on it," ""'and you go and put the last of your tuna mayonnaise all over a pissing melon!" ""'Because I'm..." "I am sick of that happening to me!"" ""'Time and time again!" "All over again!"'" "She said, "Oh, people don't like loose potatoes."" ""Of course people don't like loose potatoes." ""Watching four potatoes sitting around discussing the menopause" ""is only marginally more interesting than the bloody human programme." ""And I should know." "I've appeared on it three times."" "I said, "Justify it." ""If you can justify it, I will happily pay for the packaging." ""Justify it, and I will pay for it, right?" "But if you can't, then we'll take it off."" "She said, "Ah!" "Ah!" "The Cellophane..." "stops them rolling off the tray."" "I said, "Well, that would be awesome if we needed the tray!" ""You can't justify the Cellophane" ""by saying it holds them on to something else we don't need." ""Otherwise, why not just gaffer-tape them to a horse's head," ""and then bang on about how essential the gaffer tape is" ""to stop them rolling off the horse?" ""Cos I don't need a Styrofoam tray any more than I need a potato horse punnet," ""you dickhead!"" ""No, but it keeps them upright!"" ""Oh, people were bringing back upside-down potatoes, were they?" ""I imagine this shop was rammed with people going, 'Hey, look at this, Tesco's!" ""'It was the right way up when I bought it!" ""'What the hell am I gonna do with that now?"'" ""Oh, it protects the potato!"" ""Who is trying to harm our potatoes?" "Who is it?" "What do you know that we don't?" ""Has Harold Chipman escaped?" "Is it the Yorkshire Chipper?" ""Eh?" "The Boston Masher?"" ""I didn't say anybody was trying to harm them!"" "I said, "Well, if it's a self-harming potato, you can bloody keep it!" ""I do not want a potato with low self-esteem," ""who's gonna start peeling himself every time things get a little bit difficult!" ""I don't want to come home to find a pan of mash and a suicide note on the mantel!" ""Is that why there's two of them in there, is there, for moral support," ""so one of them can talk his mate down from the edge of the pan?"" ""I meant it protects them in transit!"" ""In transit?" "They live underground, man!"" ""They came from America, originally," ""thousands of miles in the freezing hold of a ship." ""This is five minutes" ""in a four-door saloon with heated seats and a pissing CD player!" ""I'll bloody..." "I'll recline the seats for the fussy little bastards if you like!" ""And we could stop for a coffee on route." ""I know Courgette wants to stretch his legs."" ""I'll have to ask you to put that courgette down."" "I said, "I will!" "It's back to front anyway." "You can bloody keep it!" ""But unless you get rid of all this packaging" ""and knock the price of it off my bill," ""I will put this courgette down, up your arse!" ""I'm afraid I like my potatoes like I like my women!" ""Single and stark bollock naked!" "That's how I like them!"" "Yeah." "Something and nothing." "I told you it's something and nothing." "Storm in a teacup." "She said, "Will there be anything else?" I said," ""Yeah, give me half a grapefruit, will you?"" "I told you it was a storm in a teacup, something and..." "Oh, I was never going to be arrested for separating potatoes." "I had to buy the two anyway." "There's no way round it." "There's no way round it." "You have to..." "I had to buy the bloody two potatoes." "Course I did." "The security guards are there." "(GRUNTING AND MUMBLING)" "Do you know, my girlfriend came home..." "Oh, Christ." "See, this is the thing. "I'll go out on the piss tonight." "I'll be..."" "I was like, "Don't do that." ""It's gonna be stressful tomorrow." ""There's a lot riding on this trip, right?" "We'll be irritable." "We'll argue."" "She was like, "No, I'll be fine, man." "I'll sleep on the train, man."" "That's how she talks." "It's like living with the Cadbury's Caramel rabbit sometimes." "It wasn't fine, right?" "We..." "She got home about two o'clock in the morning, drunk, right?" "Predictably, I knew that we'd argue." "I..." "We had a dreadful night's sleep." "We were bound to be tired and irritable the next..." "Partly cos she came in late, drunk." "And partly cos in the stress of it all," "I'd used Invigorate in the bloody shower." "My mind's racing." "Can't switch off, can you?" "And then the..." "And the next day, we argued all the way to London." "It's only a two-hour train journey." "I filled my diary up." "Honestly, this was..." "This was rammed by the time I got to bloody London." "It's only a two-hour journey, but it's trains, you see." "It's trains." "Trains!" "Trains." "I laugh about all of these things." "I know I'm throwing myself into that just now, but you do appreciate all of this show is me looking back on what I used to be like." "This stuff doesn't bother me any more." "I laugh about these things now." "I do!" "I do laugh about these things now!" "No, honestly, I'm not bothered." "I'm so much more relaxed and mellow than I used to be." "I know I..." "This, trains now..." "In the old days, trains back then, they were what, in my group, in my anger management, they called them a trigger." "Just one of the things that sets you off." "Now..." "Now I've let go of the balloon." "That's what you do in anger management." "You..." "You envisage your stress as a balloon, the thing that's stressing you, and then you let go of it." "It's quite stressful, the first few times you do it." "You go, "It's going in the air conditioning!" "Oh, my God."" "Then..." "No, it's true, and then you get the hang of it, and that's..." "I've let go of all these things." "Trains used to wind me up." "Now, honestly, they make me laugh, if anything." "I was on a train." "Here's an example." "I was on a train, April 6th." "First day of this tour." "London to Carlisle." "Virgin train, right?" "I was on that train for four, five hours." "There was one toilet working." "Only one." "Everyone else was getting stressed out, sweating, arguing with the guard." "Ooh, agony, stress." "I was sitting there, chuckling away to myself." "Admittedly, I didn't want to go to the toilet." "That helped." "But I laugh at these things, right?" "Not back then, I couldn't." "Back then, honestly, trains were one of..." "And it's not even that they're shit, right?" "I don't know what your opinion of trains are." "I..." "I..." "Cos I know lovely individuals who work on trains." "I've got friends who work on trains, First Great Western and others." "But my overall opinion is," "I travel a lot on trains in this country and all over the world, and I think they're a bit shit!" "(CHEERING)" "I..." "That's why..." "It's just an opinion, right?" "I think they're a bit..." "But that's not why they wind me..." "Or they used to wind me up." "No, they used to wind me up." "It's not because they're shit." "I don't mind things being shit." "I quite like shit things." " I'm British." "We celebrate shitness." " (CHEERING)" "We love things being a bit..." "Look at that!" "Look at that!" "We love it!" "I say to people, "Where are you from?" They say, "I'm from so-and-so."" "I say, "What's it like?" They say, "Shit, mate!" ""It's shit and that's why I like it." ""I used to live over there, but it wasn't shit enough" ""so I moved to a shitter place."" "But the trains, the problem is they're such pompous, up their arses..." "They bang on about how good they are and how they're meeting their performance targets and how good..." "No, you're not!" "You're shit!" "But I'll give you an example of something that was shit, but I fell in love with it." "Right?" "Just to prove to you that I like shit things." "It was a place..." "I only ever went in there once." "It was a café, right?" "It was like, um..." "like a Little Chef roadside thing." "But it wasn't a Little Chef." "And when I walked in, I'd never seen one of these places before." "It was a place called Red Hen, right?" "See?" "Hardly anyone, from that response, knows it." "I..." "I'd never seen one when I went in there, and I've never seen one since." "Has anyone else heard of Red Hen?" " (SOME CHEERS)" " Have you?" "It was about 20 years ago that they existed." "Has anyone ever been in one?" " Yes." " See?" "Look at that." "4,000 people." "There's about two." "That's two of you who've..." " Where was the one you went in?" " WOMAN:" "Swindon!" " (MEN SHOUT)" " Swindon?" "I think that's the one I went in, on the M4 somewhere." " How would you describe it?" " Shit!" "Right, yeah." "Shit." "Yes, yes." "Yes, I..." "I gave you that." "Yeah, shit." "I..." "I probably set you up for that one a little bit too much." "But, see..." "No!" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, no!" ""Shit" is not good enough for Red Hen." "Shit is..." "Is the biggest..." "That's..." "You're flattering Red Hen to call it shit." "It's the understatement of the century." "Calling Red Hen is shit is like calling Hitler a scamp, frankly." "It..." "It wasn't shit, it was..." "Because a shit place..." "A shit place, you could walk in or walk out." "Can't you?" "Lf..." "If a restaurant's shit, you walk in, you go, "Oh, this is a bit shit." ""Shall we go somewhere else?" "Yes, let's go."" "You couldn't walk out of a Red Hen." "You were physically incapable." "You were paralysed." "It was hypnotic, spellbinding, mesmerisingly shit, is what it was." "You..." "You couldn't walk out." "You were incapable." "All your bodily functions were stripped from you." "You walked through the door, you just went, "Shitting hell!" ""Christ!" "Aaah!" ""Aaah!" "Naah!" "Naah!"" "Everything you touched was stinking." "Every single fibre of the carpet was congealed with the anaemic corpses of slipped-in chip and peas!" "It was post-apocalyptic lunch time and Blade Runner, Ridley Scott." "You know, the walls were grouted with fat." "You needed marigolds to pick the menus up." "I've never seen that much food in a restaurant behind the counter, never mind on the floor!" "I've never..." "It was where food went to die!" "I got to my table, all the way to my table, I was limping." "I have no idea why." "Like that, I was limping all the way until I got to my seat, and I realised..." "I realised there was an entire gammon steak stuck to my shoe." "An entire built-up gammon shoe that made me an inch taller on one side." "And I was like, "What the..." "What the frig is that?"" "You know, when I got rid of it, there was an intact pineapple ring on the top of it!" "But..." "But I fell in love with it!" "I totally fell head over..." "I've never been so proud to be British, because they didn't give a shit!" "They didn't, because by the till..." "By the till in this disgusting, filth-ridden, toxic shit-hole, proudly by the till, there was a visitor's sign-in book." "And every single page, you could go back months, every page was ritualised abuse, "Just shit."" ""Awful." People had stabbed through the page in anger, and just ripped into the book, "Disgusting!" ""Fuck off!"" "Somebody had written, "Fuck off!"" "Across two pages of a visitor's book in a café!" ""Fuck" on one side, "off" on the other." "Underlined, with two exclamation marks." "How bad has a place got to be for you to write, "Fuck off"?" "This is by the till." "They haven't eaten yet." "Haven't even eaten yet." "All they've done so far is queued up with their tray." "Put their stuff on the tray, and then got to the little woman on the end, and gone, "Fuck off!"" "(HE SNORTS)" "Only..." "Only... (CHEERING)" "It's... only... (LAUGHS) ...only..." "Do you know every now and again in life you wish you'd done something?" "Cos only one person had written any more than "Fuck off" in that book." "You could go back months." "There was one genius." "It said, "Congratulations."" "What?" "And then down the bottom, it said, "Dot, dot, dot." ""A thousand times worse than anything."" "I asked somebody this and..." "This is part of the show." "I asked somebody last week, "How would you describe it?"" "They didn't say "shit"." "What they said was inspired." "I do not claim it as my own." "I said..." "This is off the top off his head." "I said, "How would you describe it?"" "He said, "Like Wimpy with herpes."" "But they..." "But they didn't give enough of a shit." "They didn't..." "If it was you, seriously, would you at least take the book away?" "Maybe even rip a page out occasionally?" "Just one page out of 50 of abuse, man." "Even, very minimum, just cross out "Fuck off"." "But they didn't give enough of a toss." "I was..." "I love shit things that know they're shit." "Ryanair, right?" "Ryanair go..." "No, I..." "No, no, no, no, no, I..." "I've had my run-ins with Ryanair." "God knows I've had my run-ins with them." "You may know that." "I am not about to go over that old ground." "But I've..." "I've come full circle." "I've changed my mind on Ryanair, cos they know they're shit, don't they?" "They know they're shit." "There's no pretence that they're anything other than..." "They're playful." "They take the piss out of themselves." "They use irony." "They..." "What other airline, as a fanfare, just for landing the plane, as far as I can... go, "Dooh, doodle-ooh doo-doo-dooh!"" "It's the very basic minimum requirement of having a plane, that you land it at some point." "That's..." "It was either that, stay up there, or kill everyone." "It doesn't really warrant a fanfare." "But, like, they're taking the piss." "They're having a laugh at their own expense." "Surely it's playful." "Its irony is, we should all be doing that just for doing the very basic minimum requirement of our job, life would be so much more fun, wouldn't it, if we were..." "I'd love to see my postman walking down the street with a mailbag in one hand and a bugle in the other, going, "Dooh, doodle-ooh doo-doo-dooh!" ""Another letter successfully delivered there." ""Get in!" ""Whoo-hoo-hoo!"" "(LAUGHS) It'd be great, wouldn't it?" "The trains..." "The trains could learn from that attitude." "Just take the piss out of yourselves." "Admit you're a bit shit, because how do you not realise this is shit?" "How can you still bang on about how good you are?" "How does the irony of this situation pass you by?" "Two hours I was on that train." "They made 19 announcements into..." "I was in the quiet carriage." "I was in the quiet carriage." "There was only one reason it wasn't quiet, and that was 19 announcements shouting about how quiet it was in the quiet carriage." "Don't make the announcements in the quiet carriage!" "It's not a quiet carriage, if you keep shouting, "Please refrain from using any electronic equipment."" "You're on a tannoy!" "Pot, kettle, mate!" "You might as well go down the aisle with a trombone, just going, "Boom!" "Keep it down!" ""This is the quiet carriage!" ""Quiet carriage!" "Ding-a-ling-a-ling!" ""Quiet carriage!" "Keep it down!" ""Phones off there!" "Ding-a-ling-a-ling!" "Quiet carriage!"" "Going, "Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" ""Quiet carriage!" "Quiet!" ""Hee-hee-hee-hee!" "Hee-hee-hee!" "Quiet carriage!"" "(BEATBOXING)" ""Quiet carriage!" "Hee-hee-hee!" "Hee-hee-hee!"" "I had a run-in in a quiet carriage." "It's in here." "See, half-past seven in the morning, this is." "This guard..." "I'm not joking." "Have you ever met anybody who you..." "You try sarcasm on him, but he's got like a Buzz Lightyear sarcasm shield." "He did." "I was throwing the most sarcastic stuff at him I could think of, but it was..." "He was doing some kind of Matrix avoidance thing." "So the sarcasm went over his head." "It was genius, the way he was..." "He said..." "Because he said, "You can't use your Walkman!"" "It's 2012, right?" "He said, "You can't use your Walkman in here." "This is the quiet carriage." Right?" "I said, sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't realise it was the quiet carriage."" ""Didn't you hear all the announcements?"" "I loaded up with sarcasm again." "I said, "That depends." "Was 19 all of them?"" ""Then why are you still using it, if you heard them?"" "I said, "I had to drown the pissing things out somehow!"" "And then he took it up a gear, he took the argument up a gear, cos he used a word on me, he used a word on me." "This is a word I've heard all my life, right, since I was a child." "And he used this word on me on the trains, and you know sometimes an alarm bell goes off in your head but you can't quite put your finger on it?" "You can't quite articulate what it is that annoys you about it?" "All my life this has bugged me, and then suddenly that day I realised that it's such a pompous, up your arse, disproportionate word to describe the thing that you're talking about." "Cos he said, "You can't use it in here." "You can't use your Walkman in here." ""You can use it in any of the carriages or any of the vestibules!"" "And I was like, "I'm gonna ask, for once in my life," ""what are the pissing vestibules you've been banging on about?" ""It's quite a grand word, isn't it?"" "He said, "The vestibules between the carriages."" "I said, "Oh, the vestibules!" "Of course!" ""That bit with the two stinking shitters and overflowing bin and the hippie!" ""Of course!" "The vestibules!" ""You don't mind if I look up vestibule quickly in my dictionary, do you?" ""Let's have a quick look." "Oh, no, here it is." "Here it is." ""I stand corrected." "You are quite right." "Vestibule." ""It's a noun, comes from the French, it means confined space," ""where people who've paid a fortune for no seat" ""freeze their tits off outside a stinking unusable shitter!"" "(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "(COUGHS)" "I said, "I must say, it's a shame it's a morning train." ""I imagine the vestibules are breathtaking at sunset."" ""I mean, they're breathtaking now," ""but that's mainly cos there's actual shit on the walls of one of the toilets."" "He said, "No, I've cleaned that off now."" "I thought, "Dooh, doodle-ooh doo-doo-dooh!" ""Another faecal smudge removed from a toilet wall successfully!" ""Another inexplicable turd print gone!"" "(SIGHS)" "I can laugh about these things now." "But, you see, this is the thing." "We argued all the way to London." "We bickered and fought all the way to London." "But this is the way our relationship was." "One minute it was terrible, one minute it was awesome." "So, by the time we got to London, or certainly by the time we got to Heathrow Airport, everything was wonderful again." "Suddenly we were having a great time, right?" "I don't know." "It's something about airports." "We were a bit giddy with excitement, you know." "We were going to New York." "It was holiday mood." "We were trying on hats, sunglasses." "Everything was great, everything forgotten." "Like nothing, no argument had ever happened." "It was awesome." "And then... and I told her I had a surprise for her in New York, right?" "Because, like I told you earlier, I'd..." "Even though we'd said if it goes well, the agreement was we'd get married, but I'd actually bought an engagement ring, cos I thought if it goes well out there, I'll propose in New York." "So, that was my surprise." "I said, "I've got a surprise for you." I didn't tell her what it was." "But that's what it was." "She said, "I've got a surprise for you in New York."" "It was all really exciting, right?" "And I thought, "This is it." "This is the finish line."" ""You know, you've done the hard bit." ""These last five weeks have been a nightmare, trying to get to this place." ""I thought this would never happen." "You've got here." ""This is the finish line." "You've done the hard bit." ""We're not gonna split up now." ""All we've got ahead of us now is a lovely stress-free six-day holiday in New York." ""Why would we split up now when we've come through all this?"" "So, I thought..." "I thought, "Propose now."" "Right? "Ask her to marry you now."" "And I went off to the toilet to think about how I was gonna do it, because I hadn't engaged with it." "I hadn't thought about the actual words I was gonna use." "I think the previous time, I'd said something really cheesy that I regretted." "So, this time, I thought, "Keep it simple, keep it simple."" "So, I came back from the toilet, just rehearsing that simple line." ""Will you marry me?" "Will you marry me?" "Will you marry me?" ""Keep it simple." And then I got to within about 20 metres of her." "And I thought, "Now is not the time."" "I could see that now was not the time to be asking her anything, right?" "Least of all to marry me." "I could see from her body language..." "Well, there was two things I could tell from her body language." "A, she was very upset." "And B, she was reading my diary." "Right?" "Well, so, yes and no." "It wasn't like, "Oh, my God!" "Panic stations!" ""She's found it!" "She's seen I'm doing anger management!"" "She knew I had that, right?" "She'd read it before in the past." "She'd flicked through this casually in the past, and then she'd just chucked it to one side." "She'd never shown that much interest in it." "But I could see that this time was different, that she was reading something in here that had really upset her, and the easiest thing for me to do is just to read you what she read in the airport," "and it'll become self-explanatory why she was upset." "(HE SIGHS)" "It... it was something I'd written in here on the occasion when we argued about the tattoo, right?" "I read you a bit of it earlier." ""What would you say was the main cause of your stress or feelings of anger?"" ""My girlfriend."" ""In your own words, describe how you felt at the time."" ""I felt like my girlfriend was a massive twat."" "I read you that bit earlier so I'll skip down and just read you one little snippet of the conversation." "I'll only read you one snippet cos it was the same stuff going round and round, the same argument, right?" "The same points being made over and over again." "This is me." ""It's just a tattoo." "What does it matter whether you like marzipan, right?" ""I don't like Hula Hoops, but it doesn't stop you wearing those earrings."" "Right, and this is her point over and over again." ""But you could have got one that reminded you of me." ""You could have got a tattoo that reminded you of me." ""Why didn't you get one," ""some significant important little thing that only we would know about?" ""Nuh, nuh, nah, nah, nah!" Again, like I told you earlier." "All I could say over and over again was, "I don't know." "I didn't." "I'm sorry."" "And I won't bore you with any more of that conversation, cos it goes round and round, but I will read you the next question on here, because that's what upset her." "More accurately, it's my answer to the next question that upset her." ""Using this experience," ""what would you do differently in the event of a similar incident?"" ""In the extremely unlikely event that I ever get another tattoo," ""I will make sure I get one with some significance to my girlfriend," ""rather than one with significance to my ex-girlfriend."" "(AUDIENCE GASPS)" "Oh, yes, yes." "Yes, that was her reaction." "Absolutely spot on." "That was exactly her reaction." "Don't boo!" "Yes, I will explain to you as I tried to explain to my girlfriend, yes, Battenberg was my ex-girlfriend's favourite cake." "It was a little thing between us." "I used to take the piss out of her, I used to tease her about it, because in her flat my ex-girlfriend kept in a tin, in case of guests, at all times, she had Battenberg cake." "A Battenberg cake and Rich Tea biscuits, at all times." "I used to tease her for being 26 going on 86." "That is not... and this is what I was trying to persuade my girlfriend." "That is not why I had this tattoo." "It is nothing to do with it." "I was not thinking about it when I had this." "It was a complete..." "I didn't even remember that my ex-girlfriend's favourite cake was Battenberg until I happened to be filling this out and I just wrote it down flippantly, casually in there, right?" "And it just meant nothing." "But my girlfriend is convinced that it's subconscious." "That I must be, even if I don't know it, I'm thinking about my ex-girlfriend." "I must still be in love with her and want to go back out with her, and I said, "I'm not, I promise you." "It's nothing to do with it." ""I'm totally over that." "It's you that I want."" "I said, "We can get through this." ""People get through much worse than this, you know, people..." ""Christ, I've seen people with tattoos of their ex-partners on their bloody arm," ""never mind their ex-partner's favourite cake." ""We can get..." "We can get through this," I said." ""If you want to know the truth, I was ten seconds away from asking you to marry me," ""right now, right here."" "And she said, "Don't bother."" "She said, "Save your breath." "Don't bother." "I don't want to marry you."" "She showed me..." "She showed me rather than told me why she didn't want to marry me, and why it was so much worse than I thought, and why we couldn't get through this." "And I told you earlier that in New York she'd wanted us to get matching tattoos and I also told you that I'd made it abundantly clear to her at the time that while I would do it for her, I didn't want another tattoo." "She, to save me the trouble of having another tattoo, had found another way of us having matching tattoos." "She had gone out a couple of days earlier and, to save me the trouble of having another tattoo, she had had one to match my flaming Battenberg." "And she left me in that airport, and two things went through my mind." "Well, first of all, the full horror of it went through my mind." "The kind of the penny dropped that she'd wanted us to have tattoos that would always remind us of each other, and she'd got one that reminded us both of my ex-girlfriend." "She'd wanted one that would be a little secret significant meaningful thing between us that only we would know about, and she'd got one that was a little moment between me and my ex-girlfriend." "And as she left me in that airport, two things went through my mind." "A, it's over." "Properly over this time." "And B, this probably isn't going to do anything to improve her opinion of marzipan." "So, this..." "This stupid tattoo that I..." "I didn't even want in the first place, cost me the girlfriend that I was seconds away from proposing to and asking to spend the rest of my life with." "No, it's the best thing that ever happened." "No, and I don't mean that..." "I'm reacting to you going, "Aw"," "I don't mean that callously, I don't mean that nastily." "I don't mean for a second, "Oh, you know, I'm well shot of her." "Good riddance." ""Best thing for me." I mean for both of us." "If we couldn't get over this Battenberg thing, then we weren't a strong enough couple to get married and have kids." "We shouldn't have kids if we can't get past that!" "It was a lucky escape for both of us." "And do you know what?" "I was really philosophical." "I stood in the airport thinking, you know, this is for the best." "And not only that, this was supposed to be a make-or-break trip." "You know, it's done its job." "Yeah, yeah, I'd have loved to have got through customs." "Of course I would." "But sometimes life doesn't play out the way you hope it will, you know?" "And this stupid tattoo..." "I didn't even want this tattoo." "This is the pettiest thing I've ever done, this tattoo." "To make a point, I had myself permanently tattooed." "And now it stands like an inky monument on my back, to what a petty, contrary, argumentative little shit I used to be, somebody who just did things to make a point." "And now I'm hoping and I think I am a bit better and a bit more mellow and a bit more chilled out, and a bit less petty, and it's partly because of this tattoo, cos whenever I'm tempted to be like that, I think about that tattoo," "and it's a constant reminder on my back of how I used to be and not to be like that any more." "And if you're wondering what happened at the end of the story," "I was in the airport and I thought, "This is for the best."" "I didn't try and chase her." "I let her go." "I thought, "This is for the best," and at first I thought, "The trip's off." ""We're obviously not gonna go to... to New York."" "And then I thought, "But there's no reason I shouldn't."" ""And it's a fresh start, it's a fresh start for me in New York," ""and I'm gonna go."" "And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes that little chapter of my life." "But God bless you." "Thanks very, very much for listening." "Thank you." "Thank you." " (CHEERING)" " Thank you." "Thank you." "(# THE BEACH BOYS:" "Wouldn't It Be Nice)" "# Wouldn't it be nice if we were older" "# Then we wouldn't have to wait so long" "# And wouldn't it be nice to live together" "# In the kind of world that we belong" "# You know it's gonna make it that much better" "# When we can say good night and stay together" "# Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up" "# In the morning when the day is new" "# And after having spent the day together" "# Hold each other close the whole night through" "# The happy times together we've been spending" "# I wish that every kiss was never-ending" "# Wouldn't it be nice" "# Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray, it might come true" "# Baby, then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do" " # We could be married - # We could be married" " # And then we'd be happy - # And then we'd be happy" "# Oh, wouldn't it be nice?" "# You know it seems the more we talk about it" "# It only makes it worse to live without it" "# But let's talk about it" "# Wouldn't it be nice" "# Good night, baby" "# Sleep tight, baby... #" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(# THE DIVINE COMEDY:" "National Express)" "Thank you." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you, everyone." "Thank you very, very much." "Thank you." "Thanks very much at the top." "Thank you very, very much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "You've been lovely." "You've been absolutely lovely." "I couldn't have asked for more." "Thanks very much." "Thank you." "Everyone, thank you very, very, very much." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "#..." "It'll make you smile... #" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thanks very much." "#..." "From the feeble old dear to the screaming child" "# From the student who knows" "# That to have one of those would be suicide" "# To the family man" "# Manhandling the pram with paternal pride" " # And everybody sings - # Ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba" " # Yeah - # Ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba" " # Uh-huh - # Ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba" " # All right - # Ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba" " # We're going where the air is free - # Ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba... #"