"[ Horn honks ]" "[ Indistinct conversations ] [ scattered cheers and applause ]" "[ Rock music plays ] fuck." "[ Speaking indistinctly ] [ laughs ] ladies and gentlemen, this" "[ Laughs ] ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping," "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping," "Is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage" "Start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage jim jefferies!" "And welcome to the stage jim jefferies!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hello." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you for coming to my show, "alcoholocaust."" "Thank you for coming to my show, "alcoholocaust." [ Laughing ] fucking look at" ""Alcoholocaust." [ Laughing ] fucking look at this big theater, man." "[ Laughing ] fucking look at this big theater, man." "I appreciate you coming out." "This big theater, man." "I appreciate you coming out." "People who are watching this at" "I appreciate you coming out." "People who are watching this at home might know that this is a" "People who are watching this at home might know that this is a fucking monday night, so i" "Home might know that this is a fucking monday night, so i appreciate how many people have" "Fucking monday night, so i appreciate how many people have come." "Appreciate how many people have come." "I realize that in this economy," "Come." "I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as" "I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as comedy shows aren't that cheap" "Tickets for things such as comedy shows aren't that cheap for men." "Comedy shows aren't that cheap for men." "For women, same price they've" "For men." "For women, same price they've always fucking been, aren't" "For women, same price they've always fucking been, aren't they?" "Always fucking been, aren't they?" "Women don't pay for things like" "They?" "Women don't pay for things like this." "Women don't pay for things like this." "There's women in this room have" "This." "There's women in this room have no fucking idea how much the" "There's women in this room have no fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost." "No fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost." "No fucking idea!" "Ticket for this show cost." "No fucking idea!" "Your husband came home, said," "No fucking idea!" "Your husband came home, said, "remember, we're seeing" "Your husband came home, said, "remember, we're seeing jim jefferies," you said, "who?"" ""Remember, we're seeing jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here." "Jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here." "Women don't pay." "And now you're fucking here." "Women don't pay." "Basically, women are a bunch of" "Women don't pay." "Basically, women are a bunch of cunts." "Basically, women are a bunch of cunts." "To summarize, women are cunts." "Cunts." "To summarize, women are cunts." "See, and i don't know if women" "To summarize, women are cunts." "See, and i don't know if women even know that drinks cost" "See, and i don't know if women even know that drinks cost money, you know?" "Even know that drinks cost money, you know?" "Ugly chicks know." "Money, you know?" "Ugly chicks know." "If you know that drinks cost" "Ugly chicks know." "If you know that drinks cost money, you're a fucking ugly" "If you know that drinks cost money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you're a" "Money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl." "Bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl." "Good luck to you." "Good-Looking girl." "Good luck to you." "See, my birthday's on" "Good luck to you." "See, my birthday's on valentine's day, so even on my" "See, my birthday's on valentine's day, so even on my fucking birthday i'm buying some" "Valentine's day, so even on my fucking birthday i'm buying some bitch dinner." "Fucking birthday i'm buying some bitch dinner." "If i meet a nice girl and i'm in" "Bitch dinner." "If i meet a nice girl and i'm in a restaurant and the check comes" "If i meet a nice girl and i'm in a restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card" "A restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card down " " And she's a nice girl " "And i put the credit card down " " And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab." "Down " " And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab." "And if i go, "no, no, no, it's" "She'll do the purse grab." "And if i go, "no, no, no, it's okay," she's very quick to give" "And if i go, "no, no, no, it's okay," she's very quick to give up on that argument." "Okay," she's very quick to give up on that argument." "Other arguments, she can keep" "Up on that argument." "Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but" "Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but that one she's ever so gracious" "Going for fucking years, but that one she's ever so gracious about." "That one she's ever so gracious about." "This is why i think i'd like" "About." "This is why i think i'd like to be gay." "This is why i think i'd like to be gay." "I think gay would be a good move" "To be gay." "I think gay would be a good move for me." "I think gay would be a good move for me." "I wouldn't enjoy the sex." "For me." "I wouldn't enjoy the sex." "I'd have to get through the sex." "I wouldn't enjoy the sex." "I'd have to get through the sex." "I would have a cock in my mouth," "I'd have to get through the sex." "I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my" "I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my face." "With tears streaming down my face." "And as the jizz hit the back of" "Face." "And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, i'd be thinking of my" "And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, i'd be thinking of my happy place, but it'd be" "My throat, i'd be thinking of my happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split" "Happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill." "Worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "The occasional bill." "[ Cheers and applause ] that's why gay guys are happy," "[ Cheers and applause ] that's why gay guys are happy, and that's why lesbians are" "That's why gay guys are happy, and that's why lesbians are fucking miserable." "And that's why lesbians are fucking miserable." "Lesbians are fucking miserable" "Fucking miserable." "Lesbians are fucking miserable people 'cause they have to hang" "Lesbians are fucking miserable people 'cause they have to hang out with women all day." "People 'cause they have to hang out with women all day." "It must be fucking horrible." "Out with women all day." "It must be fucking horrible." "They must just be sitting there" "It must be fucking horrible." "They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna" "They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna pay for this bitch." "At dinner, going, "i'm not gonna pay for this bitch." "I've just worn my best plaid" "Pay for this bitch." "I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head." "I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head." "She better treat me like a" "Shirt and shaved my head." "She better treat me like a princess."" "She better treat me like a princess." Now, if there's any lesbians in" "Princess." Now, if there's any lesbians in the room " " And i assume there's" "Now, if there's any lesbians in the room " " And i assume there's not, because laughter's not your" "The room " " And i assume there's not, because laughter's not your thing " " But if there is, i'd" "Not, because laughter's not your thing " " But if there is, i'd like to apologize for that last" "Thing " " But if there is, i'd like to apologize for that last joke." "Like to apologize for that last joke." "But if you hate men so much," "Joke." "But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them." "But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them." "You never see a jew dressed as" "Stop trying to look like them." "You never see a jew dressed as a nazi." "You never see a jew dressed as a nazi." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "See, i did that joke in america." "I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or" "I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or whatever." "Humor and they're not fun or whatever." "And these two lesbians stood up" "Whatever." "And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as" "And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as if to prove my point." "And stormed out of the room as if to prove my point." "They're just not fun people." "If to prove my point." "They're just not fun people." "Gay guys are fun." "They're just not fun people." "Gay guys are fun." "I don't care how homophobic you" "Gay guys are fun." "I don't care how homophobic you are." "I don't care how homophobic you are." "If you're holding a dinner party" "Are." "If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get" "If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don't you?" "And a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don't you?" "You're like, "oh, fucking a" "A little bit excited, don't you?" "You're like, "oh, fucking a gay guy." "You're like, "oh, fucking a gay guy." "Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?" "Gay guy." "Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?" "We got a live one."" "Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?" "We got a live one." Right?" "We got a live one." Right?" "But if you're holding a dinner" "Right?" "But if you're holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up," "But if you're holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "aw, fuck me." "Party and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "aw, fuck me." "All i wanted to do was relax and" "You're just like, "aw, fuck me." "All i wanted to do was relax and play pictionary." "All i wanted to do was relax and play pictionary." "She's drawing something" "Play pictionary." "She's drawing something political."" "She's drawing something political." [ Chuckles ]" "Political." [ Chuckles ] you can't even point lesbians" "[ Chuckles ] you can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking" "You can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking obvious." "Out, and they're so fucking obvious." "They're so obvi" " But you can't" "Obvious." "They're so obvi" " But you can't point them out." "They're so obvi" " But you can't point them out." "If you saw, like, fucking " "Point them out." "If you saw, like, fucking -- If i see like two lesbians in" "If you saw, like, fucking -- If i see like two lesbians in the audience and go, "excuse me," "If i see like two lesbians in the audience and go, "excuse me, are you lesbians?" They'll be" "The audience and go, "excuse me, are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what?" "Are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what?" "What the fuck?" "What?" "Like, "what?" "What the fuck?" "What?" "What do you mean by that?"" "What the fuck?" "What?" "What do you mean by that?" Right?" "What do you mean by that?" Right?" "But if i see two gay guys in the" "Right?" "But if i see two gay guys in the audience and go, "excuse me " "But if i see two gay guys in the audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys?" They'll go" "Audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys?" They'll go [ singsong voice ] "guilty!"" "Are you gay guys?" They'll go [ singsong voice ] "guilty!" [ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys" "[ Singsong voice ] "guilty!" [ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys fucking love being gay." "[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys fucking love being gay." "The word "gay" comes from" "Fucking love being gay." "The word "gay" comes from "happy."" "The word "gay" comes from "happy." They like fucking men in the ass" ""Happy." They like fucking men in the ass so much, they've called it" "They like fucking men in the ass so much, they've called it "happy."" "So much, they've called it "happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my" ""Happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life." "I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life." "I would not call the experience" "Whole life." "I would not call the experience "happy."" "I would not call the experience "happy." I would call it a struggle, at" ""Happy." I would call it a struggle, at best." "I would call it a struggle, at best." "I'll tell you another reason why" "Best." "I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay" "I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay guy." "It must be awesome to be a gay guy." "It must be wonderful to be in a" "Guy." "It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you're" "It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you're partner's being a dickhead, you" "Relationship where, if you're partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head." "Partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head." "Hasn't that got to give your" "Can punch him in the head." "Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new" "Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new dimension?" "Relationship a whole new dimension?" "I can't tell you the amount of" "Dimension?" "I can't tell you the amount of arguments i've had with women" "I can't tell you the amount of arguments i've had with women that could have been sorted out" "Arguments i've had with women that could have been sorted out quicker with a punch." "That could have been sorted out quicker with a punch." "And while we're on the subject" "Quicker with a punch." "And while we're on the subject of domestic violence " "And while we're on the subject of domestic violence -- It's a horrible thing." "Of domestic violence -- It's a horrible thing." "Of course it is, and..." "It's a horrible thing." "Of course it is, and..." "now, you ever met a woman who's," "Of course it is, and..." "now, you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like four" "Now, you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i" "Like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of" "Times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of men"?" "Just choose the wrong type of men"?" ""I've been married four times," "Men"?" ""I've been married four times, and all my husbands beat me."" ""I've been married four times, and all my husbands beat me." And you're like, "all of them?" "And all my husbands beat me." And you're like, "all of them?" "All four?" "And you're like, "all of them?" "All four?" "One, two, three, fucking four?" "All four?" "One, two, three, fucking four?" "They all beat you?" "One, two, three, fucking four?" "They all beat you?" "Someone doesn't know when to" "They all beat you?" "Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?"" "Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 'Cause i'm a tolerant man." "Shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 'Cause i'm a tolerant man." "I'll give anyone three, but" "'Cause i'm a tolerant man." "I'll give anyone three, but four?" "I'll give anyone three, but four?" "You're a fucking button-Pusher." "Four?" "You're a fucking button-Pusher." "Come on." "You're a fucking button-Pusher." "Come on." "That's a nice, cheery way to" "Come on." "That's a nice, cheery way to start the show." "That's a nice, cheery way to start the show." "I do a lot of gigs " " Well, not" "Start the show." "I do a lot of gigs " " Well, not a lot " " I do some gigs out in" "I do a lot of gigs " " Well, not a lot " " I do some gigs out in iraq and afghanistan and stuff" "A lot " " I do some gigs out in iraq and afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an" "Iraq and afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an american crowd right now, they'd" "Like that, which, if i was in an american crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"" "American crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But i'm not, so i can be honest" "Go, "whoo!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But i'm not, so i can be honest with you." "But i'm not, so i can be honest with you." "I do it for money." "With you." "I do it for money." "Um, the first time " "I do it for money." "Um, the first time -- Over there it's like i'm king." "Um, the first time -- Over there it's like i'm king." "The first time i go do a gig in" "Over there it's like i'm king." "The first time i go do a gig in iraq, they fly me and my manager" "The first time i go do a gig in iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into" "Iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into kuwait." "In a passenger plane into kuwait." "Now, it turns out that kuwait is" "Kuwait." "Now, it turns out that kuwait is a regular country that anyone" "Now, it turns out that kuwait is a regular country that anyone can visit." "A regular country that anyone can visit." "Then a military truck gets me" "Can visit." "Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us" "Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us over the border into iraq and" "And my manager and drives us over the border into iraq and drops us off." "Over the border into iraq and drops us off." "And we're standing in the middle" "Drops us off." "And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn" "And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn country." "Of the desert of a war-Torn country." "We can't see anything on the" "Country." "We can't see anything on the horizon." "We can't see anything on the horizon." "And i turn to my manager and go," "Horizon." "And i turn to my manager and go, "good booking, fuckface."" "And i turn to my manager and go, "good booking, fuckface." And then this helicopter comes" ""Good booking, fuckface." And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in" "And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are" "In over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are still going." "Front of us, and the blades are still going." "And this soldier runs off and" "Still going." "And this soldier runs off and goes, "excuse me!" "And this soldier runs off and goes, "excuse me!" "Are you jim jefferies?"" "Goes, "excuse me!" "Are you jim jefferies?" And i went, "what other white" "Are you jim jefferies?" And i went, "what other white cunt were you looking for in the" "And i went, "what other white cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?"" "Cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof" "Desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet." "Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet." "He's obviously wearing his" "Vest and my helmet." "He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet." "He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet." "His are camouflaged." "Bulletproof vest and his helmet." "His are camouflaged." "Mine?" "His are camouflaged." "Mine?" "Fucking blue." "Mine?" "Fucking blue." "And i said, "why do i have a" "Fucking blue." "And i said, "why do i have a blue vest and helmet?"" "And i said, "why do i have a blue vest and helmet?" He said, "that's so the enemy" "Blue vest and helmet?" He said, "that's so the enemy know you're a civilian."" "He said, "that's so the enemy know you're a civilian." I'm like, "does the enemy give" "Know you're a civilian." I'm like, "does the enemy give a shit?" "I'm like, "does the enemy give a shit?" "That's my main concern, because" "A shit?" "That's my main concern, because i've never been a sniper."" "That's my main concern, because i've never been a sniper." But every time i got off the" "I've never been a sniper." But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by" "But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me." "Helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me." "If i was a sniper, i'd be like," "Soldiers protecting me." "If i was a sniper, i'd be like, "the cunt in blue looks" "If i was a sniper, i'd be like, "the cunt in blue looks important."" ""The cunt in blue looks important." Right?" "Important." Right?" "So...we got in this helicopter." "Right?" "So...we got in this helicopter." "[ Laughs ]" "So...we got in this helicopter." "[ Laughs ] and we're sitting in this" "[ Laughs ] and we're sitting in this chopper." "And we're sitting in this chopper." "That's what we call them in the" "Chopper." "That's what we call them in the biz -- "Chopper."" "That's what we call them in the biz -- "Chopper." And i'm sitting here." "Biz -- "Chopper." And i'm sitting here." "And i got two soldiers sitting" "And i'm sitting here." "And i got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager," "And i got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager, brett, sitting there." "Next to me there, my manager, brett, sitting there." "He's got two soldiers sitting" "Brett, sitting there." "He's got two soldiers sitting next to him." "He's got two soldiers sitting next to him." "There's two soldiers in the" "Next to him." "There's two soldiers in the cockpit." "There's two soldiers in the cockpit." "There's a great big door open" "Cockpit." "There's a great big door open next to me there, and there's" "There's a great big door open next to me there, and there's another door open there, and at" "Next to me there, and there's another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a" "Another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with" "That door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like" "Great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like that thing that chewbacca wears." "Bullets coming out of it like that thing that chewbacca wears." "And we take off, and off we go" "That thing that chewbacca wears." "And we take off, and off we go to baghdad." "And we take off, and off we go to baghdad." "And as we hit the border of the" "To baghdad." "And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big "bang!"" "And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big "bang!" And these two small flares shoot" "City, i hear a great big "bang!" And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the" "And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail" "Out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke." "Helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke." "And the helicopter goes," "Of smoke." "And the helicopter goes, "fwwhhh!" "Fwwhhh!" "Fwwhhh!"" "And the helicopter goes, "fwwhhh!" "Fwwhhh!" "Fwwhhh!" Now, the reason they do this is," ""Fwwhhh!" "Fwwhhh!" "Fwwhhh!" Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger" "Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger area, if there's a heat-Seeking" "When they get over the danger area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by" "Area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the" "Missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of" "The flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of range " " Very clever." "Helicopter will fly out of range " " Very clever." "Now..." "Range " " Very clever." "Now..." "they never told me this was" "Now..." "they never told me this was happening." "They never told me this was happening." "As far as i'm concerned, the" "Happening." "As far as i'm concerned, the wings have just exploded and" "As far as i'm concerned, the wings have just exploded and we're now plummeting to our" "Wings have just exploded and we're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how" "We're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure," "Death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure, because i reacted thusly " " By" "You react under pressure, because i reacted thusly " " By vomiting over my lovely blue" "Because i reacted thusly " " By vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more" "Vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before," "Vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going" "Camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going down!"" "And yelling out, "we're going down!" The two pilots, the sergeants," "Down!" The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner " " They all start" "The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner " " They all start pissing themselves, laughing." "The gunner " " They all start pissing themselves, laughing." "They're reaching through." "Pissing themselves, laughing." "They're reaching through." "They're high-Fiving each other." "They're reaching through." "They're high-Fiving each other." "They're tearing it down." "They're high-Fiving each other." "They're tearing it down." "They've been waiting for this" "They're tearing it down." "They've been waiting for this joke for months." "They've been waiting for this joke for months." "I'm cleaning vomit off myself," "Joke for months." "I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "oh, you, that was a good" "I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "oh, you, that was a good one." "Going, "oh, you, that was a good one." "Thank you for defending my" "One." "Thank you for defending my freedom."" "Thank you for defending my freedom." Right?" "Freedom." Right?" "So, i sit back down, covered in" "Right?" "So, i sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter " "So, i sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter -- "Ugh."" "Vomit in the helicopter -- "Ugh." And so i'm trying to look out" ""Ugh." And so i'm trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease" "And so i'm trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease myself." "The door to try to un-Quease myself." "And i'm looking out over the" "Myself." "And i'm looking out over the ground, over baghdad " " By the" "And i'm looking out over the ground, over baghdad " " By the way, baghdad, beautiful city," "Ground, over baghdad " " By the way, baghdad, beautiful city, untouched " " And i look out on" "Way, baghdad, beautiful city, untouched " " And i look out on the ground, and i see a little" "Untouched " " And i look out on the ground, and i see a little arab fellow with a handgun" "The ground, and i see a little arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter," "Arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter, just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]" "Shooting up at the helicopter, just -- [ Imitates gunshots ] once again, i freak out." "Just -- [ Imitates gunshots ] once again, i freak out." ""We're being fired on!"" "Once again, i freak out." ""We're being fired on!" The gunner now is laughing so" ""We're being fired on!" The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard." "The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard." "He's laughing even harder than" "Fucking hard." "He's laughing even harder than he was before." "He's laughing even harder than he was before." "He's laughing so hard, he's" "He was before." "He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over." "He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over." "The gun's just dangling out in" "Keeled over." "The gun's just dangling out in the hinge." "The gun's just dangling out in the hinge." "And i'm like, "what's your" "The hinge." "And i'm like, "what's your fucking problem, man?"" "And i'm like, "what's your fucking problem, man?" And he's like, "jim, you're" "Fucking problem, man?" And he's like, "jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate." "And he's like, "jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate." "We're in a military helicopter" "Gonna have to calm down, mate." "We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom." "We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom." "That's a handgun." "With a bulletproof bottom." "That's a handgun." "We're so high up, the bullets" "That's a handgun." "We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us." "We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us." "They just sort of go " "Can't even reach us." "They just sort of go -- [ Whistles ]"" "They just sort of go -- [ Whistles ]" and then i jokingly said," "[ Whistles ]" and then i jokingly said, "[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets" "And then i jokingly said, "[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets can reach him."" ""[ Chuckles ] i bet our bullets can reach him." And he went, "oh, yeah."" "Can reach him." And he went, "oh, yeah." [ Imitates gunfire ]" "And the little cunt died." "And " " And i was like, "[ sighs ]" "And " " And i was like, "[ sighs ] i was just saying, mate." ""[ Sighs ] i was just saying, mate." "I was just saying." "I was just saying, mate." "I was just saying." "I didn't want to ruin anyone's" "I was just saying." "I didn't want to ruin anyone's day."" "I didn't want to ruin anyone's day." [ Laughs ]" "Day." [ Laughs ] isn't that a fun story about a" "[ Laughs ] isn't that a fun story about a man dying?" "Isn't that a fun story about a man dying?" "It's funny, though." "Man dying?" "It's funny, though." "My limited time in a war zone," "It's funny, though." "My limited time in a war zone, i really, you know, didn't see" "My limited time in a war zone, i really, you know, didn't see what all the bad stuff was." "I really, you know, didn't see what all the bad stuff was." "They were very nice to me." "What all the bad stuff was." "They were very nice to me." "But this was kind of crazy to" "They were very nice to me." "But this was kind of crazy to me 'cause i don't know," "But this was kind of crazy to me 'cause i don't know, historically, how we're gonna" "Me 'cause i don't know, historically, how we're gonna talk about it." "Historically, how we're gonna talk about it." "See, like, my grandfather " "Talk about it." "See, like, my grandfather -- He fought during the second" "See, like, my grandfather -- He fought during the second world war, for the japs, weirdly" "He fought during the second world war, for the japs, weirdly enough." "World war, for the japs, weirdly enough." "No, no, for the australians." "Enough." "No, no, for the australians." "He killed a lot of japanese " "No, no, for the australians." "He killed a lot of japanese -- Hated them till he died." "He killed a lot of japanese -- Hated them till he died." ""Love the food, hate the" "Hated them till he died." ""Love the food, hate the people," he used to say." ""Love the food, hate the people," he used to say." "What a complex man." "People," he used to say." "What a complex man." "And..." "What a complex man." "And..." "i used to love listening " " When" "And..." "i used to love listening " " When i was a kid, listening to him" "I used to love listening " " When i was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing" "I was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing nazis." "Tell stories about killing nazis." "There was always something" "Nazis." "There was always something exciting about it, you know?" "There was always something exciting about it, you know?" "I just don't know what i would" "Exciting about it, you know?" "I just don't know what i would tell my grandson about what's" "I just don't know what i would tell my grandson about what's happening in history now." "Tell my grandson about what's happening in history now." "I imagine i'll be 80 years old," "Happening in history now." "I imagine i'll be 80 years old, i'll be sitting in my chair, and" "I imagine i'll be 80 years old, i'll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the" "I'll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me" "My grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me adoringly." "Floor, looking up at me adoringly." "And i'll go, "now, there used to" "Adoringly." "And i'll go, "now, there used to be these people called arabs." "And i'll go, "now, there used to be these people called arabs." "And they lived in the" "Be these people called arabs." "And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it," "And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone." "Middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone." "In 2020," "The radiation zone." "In 2020, president macaulay culkin got" "In 2020, president macaulay culkin got really upset with the arabs, and" "President macaulay culkin got really upset with the arabs, and he nuked them all." "Really upset with the arabs, and he nuked them all." "But what macaulay culkin and the" "He nuked them all." "But what macaulay culkin and the rest of the americans hadn't" "But what macaulay culkin and the rest of the americans hadn't realized was that china had" "Rest of the americans hadn't realized was that china had slowly but surely become the" "Realized was that china had slowly but surely become the superpower of the world." "Slowly but surely become the superpower of the world." "So, while the americans were" "Superpower of the world." "So, while the americans were nuking the arabs, the chinese" "So, while the americans were nuking the arabs, the chinese nuked the americans, and that's" "Nuking the arabs, the chinese nuked the americans, and that's why we have no americans and no" "Nuked the americans, and that's why we have no americans and no arabs."" "Why we have no americans and no arabs." And then my grandson will look" "Arabs." And then my grandson will look up at me and go..." "And then my grandson will look up at me and go..." ""mashaba awa."" "[ Applause ] [ laughs ] you know what i like about that" "[ Laughs ] you know what i like about that joke?" "You know what i like about that joke?" "It has the feel of racism, but" "Joke?" "It has the feel of racism, but you can't pick the exact moment." "It has the feel of racism, but you can't pick the exact moment." "Like, you know it is." "You can't pick the exact moment." "Like, you know it is." "It's definitely racist." "Like, you know it is." "It's definitely racist." "So, let's change the subject" "It's definitely racist." "So, let's change the subject quickly." "So, let's change the subject quickly." "How do blind people wipe their" "Quickly." "How do blind people wipe their asses?" "How do blind people wipe their asses?" "I know you're thinking, "the" "Asses?" "I know you're thinking, "the same as us," but you're not" "I know you're thinking, "the same as us," but you're not thinking outside the box, 'cause" "Same as us," but you're not thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual" "Thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual activity." "Wiping your ass is a very visual activity." "No one's ever just leant up," "Activity." "No one's ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the" "No one's ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the bowl." "Wiped, then dropped into the bowl." "You wipe." "You check." "Bowl." "You wipe." "You check." ""There's a lot of poo there." "You wipe." "You check." ""There's a lot of poo there." "I'm gonna wipe again." ""There's a lot of poo there." "I'm gonna wipe again." "There's still a lot of poo." "I'm gonna wipe again." "There's still a lot of poo." "It feels dry, but there's" "There's still a lot of poo." "It feels dry, but there's still poo." "It feels dry, but there's still poo." "I think i left one up there."" "Still poo." "I think i left one up there." I bet that's where the dog comes" "I think i left one up there." I bet that's where the dog comes in handy." "I bet that's where the dog comes in handy." "[ Audience groans ]" "In handy." "[ Audience groans ] ohh!" "[ Audience groans ] ohh!" "No!" "Ohh!" "No!" "No, don't " "No!" "No, don't -- I'm not saying the dog licks" "No, don't -- I'm not saying the dog licks the blind person's ass!" "I'm not saying the dog licks the blind person's ass!" "I'm saying these are very" "The blind person's ass!" "I'm saying these are very intelligent dogs." "I'm saying these are very intelligent dogs." "They would have worked out some" "Intelligent dogs." "They would have worked out some form of barking system." "They would have worked out some form of barking system." "So, the blind guy would have the" "Form of barking system." "So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him." "So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him." ""Woof woof woof."" "Dog, like, sit in front of him." ""Woof woof woof." "Woof woof."" ""Woof woof woof." "Woof woof." "Woof."" "And they'd probably work out some special morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the" "Some special morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the poo." "For when there's blood in the poo." "No, 'cause they've already been" "Poo." "No, 'cause they've already been through a rough time." "No, 'cause they've already been through a rough time." "They're blind." "Through a rough time." "They're blind." "No need for ass cancer." "They're blind." "No need for ass cancer." "Not that blood always means" "No need for ass cancer." "Not that blood always means ass cancer." "Not that blood always means ass cancer." "I suffer from hemorrhoids, have" "Ass cancer." "I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old." "I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old." "And it's a very young age to get" "Done since i was 22 years old." "And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there's a lot" "And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there's a lot of blood involved." "Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot of blood involved." "If you've never had one, there's" "Of blood involved." "If you've never had one, there's a lot of blood involved in a bad" "If you've never had one, there's a lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid." "A lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid." "I've had toilet bowls that look" "Hemorrhoid." "I've had toilet bowls that look like abortions." "I've had toilet bowls that look like abortions." "Now, i'm not " " It's not good." "Like abortions." "Now, i'm not " " It's not good." "And the first time, when you're" "Now, i'm not " " It's not good." "And the first time, when you're 22 and you get one, your brain" "And the first time, when you're 22 and you get one, your brain goes to ass cancer." "22 and you get one, your brain goes to ass cancer." "You're like, "oh, i got ass" "Goes to ass cancer." "You're like, "oh, i got ass cancer," because no one ever" "You're like, "oh, i got ass cancer," because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when" "Cancer," because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when you're young." "Told you about hemorrhoids when you're young." "Your dad never sits you down and" "You're young." "Your dad never sits you down and goes, "when you get a bit older," "Your dad never sits you down and goes, "when you get a bit older, you'll be pushing a poo a little" "Goes, "when you get a bit older, you'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of" "You'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out." "Bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out." "Now, it's nothing to be alarmed" "Your asshole will fall out." "Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about." "Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about." "It's just part of becoming a" "About." "It's just part of becoming a [chuckling] man."" "It's just part of becoming a [chuckling] man." So, the first time i got a" "[Chuckling] man." So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone" "So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 'cause i thought i was dying," "Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 'cause i thought i was dying, obviously." "'Cause i thought i was dying, obviously." "And i go to see my doctor, the" "Obviously." "And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that i've had my" "And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that i've had my whole life, and he makes me " "Same doctor that i've had my whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer."" "Whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer." And he makes me bend over a" "I go, "i got ass cancer." And he makes me bend over a chair." "And he makes me bend over a chair." "And then he gets a rubber glove" "Chair." "And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around" "And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit." "On, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit." "And he goes, "oh, you've just" "My ass a little bit." "And he goes, "oh, you've just got hemorrhoids there."" "And he goes, "oh, you've just got hemorrhoids there." And i said, "i thought that only" "Got hemorrhoids there." And i said, "i thought that only happens to old people and" "And i said, "i thought that only happens to old people and pregnant women."" "Happens to old people and pregnant women." And he went, "and you."" "So, i live in america now, and i -- [ Cheers and applause ]" "I -- [ Cheers and applause ] [ chuckles ]" "[ Cheers and applause ] [ chuckles ] people get so entertained by" "[ Chuckles ] people get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna" "People get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna put them?" "That, but where else am i gonna put them?" "We'll put that away for" "Put them?" "We'll put that away for continuity, in case they cut" "We'll put that away for continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently." "Continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently." "There we go." "The jokes up differently." "There we go." "That's a bit of a " "There we go." "That's a bit of a -- 'Cause i know there's people" "That's a bit of a -- 'Cause i know there's people that are sitting at home, going," "'Cause i know there's people that are sitting at home, going, "[ laughs ] that beer went like" "That are sitting at home, going, "[ laughs ] that beer went like that, then it it went like that," ""[ Laughs ] that beer went like that, then it it went like that, then it went like that."" "That, then it it went like that, then it went like that." Fucking nerds." "Then it went like that." Fucking nerds." "So, i live in america, and it" "Fucking nerds." "So, i live in america, and it fucking blows my mind i live in" "So, i live in america, and it fucking blows my mind i live in america now, man." "Fucking blows my mind i live in america now, man." "I " " Coming from australia and" "America now, man." "I " " Coming from australia and everything, i never thought i'd" "I " " Coming from australia and everything, i never thought i'd sort of go this far with my" "Everything, i never thought i'd sort of go this far with my career or anything." "Sort of go this far with my career or anything." "And i find myself " " Now i'm out" "Career or anything." "And i find myself " " Now i'm out there auditioning for major" "And i find myself " " Now i'm out there auditioning for major movies and shit, man." "There auditioning for major movies and shit, man." "And i still feel retarded every" "Movies and shit, man." "And i still feel retarded every time i go in there." "And i still feel retarded every time i go in there." "Now, the first time i went for" "Time i go in there." "Now, the first time i went for an audition, i'd been in l.A." "Now, the first time i went for an audition, i'd been in l.A. For like a couple days." "An audition, i'd been in l.A. For like a couple days." "And my agency sent me to this" "For like a couple days." "And my agency sent me to this audition and i went along and i" "And my agency sent me to this audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor" "Audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor called carla." "Met this girl in the corridor called carla." "And i was really nervous, and" "Called carla." "And i was really nervous, and she could tell i was nervous." "And i was really nervous, and she could tell i was nervous." "And she sort of calmed me down" "She could tell i was nervous." "And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a" "And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute," "And we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and" "Chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and stuff." "And we flirted together and stuff." "And then i went and read the" "Stuff." "And then i went and read the little bit, and then i went" "And then i went and read the little bit, and then i went home." "Little bit, and then i went home." "And then i got a call later on" "Home." "And then i got a call later on that afternoon, going, "they" "And then i got a call later on that afternoon, going, "they loved you." "That afternoon, going, "they loved you." "You're gonna come back for a" "Loved you." "You're gonna come back for a callback."" "You're gonna come back for a callback." So i'm like, "excellent." "Callback." So i'm like, "excellent." "That's good." "So i'm like, "excellent." "That's good." "So, i go back for the callback," "That's good." "So, i go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often" "So, i go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with" "And when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with another person." "They have you reading with another person." "So, i'm in the room, reading" "Another person." "So, i'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's the" "So, i'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's the same girl from the corridor." "With this girl, and it's the same girl from the corridor." "It's carla, right?" "Same girl from the corridor." "It's carla, right?" "And we're sort of flirting," "It's carla, right?" "And we're sort of flirting, going, "hey, from the thing" "And we're sort of flirting, going, "hey, from the thing before " " Ahh."" "Going, "hey, from the thing before " " Ahh." And so we're reading." "Before " " Ahh." And so we're reading." "We have great on-Screen" "And so we're reading." "We have great on-Screen chemistry and all that type of" "We have great on-Screen chemistry and all that type of stuff." "Chemistry and all that type of stuff." "Then after the audition, i said," "Stuff." "Then after the audition, i said, "carla, do you have any taxicab" "Then after the audition, i said, "carla, do you have any taxicab numbers?" ""Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers?" "I got to get to my next" "Numbers?" "I got to get to my next audition."" "I got to get to my next audition." She said, "where are you trying" "Audition." She said, "where are you trying to get to?"" "She said, "where are you trying to get to?" And i went, "santa monica."" "To get to?" And i went, "santa monica." And she said, "that's where i'm" "And i went, "santa monica." And she said, "that's where i'm going." "And she said, "that's where i'm going." "I'll give you a lift."" "Going." "I'll give you a lift." Now, please note at this stage" "I'll give you a lift." Now, please note at this stage of the story i didn't ask for" "Now, please note at this stage of the story i didn't ask for the lift." "Of the story i didn't ask for the lift." "We go down to the car." "The lift." "We go down to the car." "She gets in." "We go down to the car." "She gets in." "She unwinds my window." "She gets in." "She unwinds my window." "She looks out and goes, "jim," "She unwinds my window." "She looks out and goes, "jim, what's your full name?"" "She looks out and goes, "jim, what's your full name?" And i went, "jim jefferies."" "What's your full name?" And i went, "jim jefferies." And she went, "wait there."" "And i went, "jim jefferies." And she went, "wait there." Then she called her mom up and" "And she went, "wait there." Then she called her mom up and said, "hi, mom." "It's carla."" "Then she called her mom up and said, "hi, mom." "It's carla." I just met a very nice boy at" "Said, "hi, mom." "It's carla." I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and i'm" "I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and i'm going to give him a lift." "The audition today, and i'm going to give him a lift." "But in case i get raped or" "Going to give him a lift." "But in case i get raped or murdered, his name's" "But in case i get raped or murdered, his name's jim jefferies." "Murdered, his name's jim jefferies." "So if you don't hear from me in" "Jim jefferies." "So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something bad" "So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops." "An hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops." "Get it, jim!"" "Has happened and call the cops." "Get it, jim!" So i get in." "Get it, jim!" So i get in." "We got like a 15-Mile drive." "So i get in." "We got like a 15-Mile drive." "I say fucking nothing for the" "We got like a 15-Mile drive." "I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles." "I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles." "I just look forward." "First 5 miles." "I just look forward." "And eventually i turn to her and" "I just look forward." "And eventually i turn to her and go, "you've just made this rape" "And eventually i turn to her and go, "you've just made this rape really awkward."" "Go, "you've just made this rape really awkward." She fucking freaks out!" "Really awkward." She fucking freaks out!" "She slams her foot on the" "She fucking freaks out!" "She slams her foot on the brakes." "She slams her foot on the brakes." "She skids off the highway." "Brakes." "She skids off the highway." "She starts slapping at me." "She skids off the highway." "She starts slapping at me." "I'm grabbing her wrists." "She starts slapping at me." "I'm grabbing her wrists." "Now i feel kind of rapey, and" "I'm grabbing her wrists." "Now i feel kind of rapey, and i didn't want to." "Now i feel kind of rapey, and i didn't want to." "And it's like, "you offered the" "I didn't want to." "And it's like, "you offered the lift!" "And it's like, "you offered the lift!" "I didn't ask for the fucking" "Lift!" "I didn't ask for the fucking lift!" "I didn't ask for the fucking lift!" "You seem more concerned in" "Lift!" "You seem more concerned in solving this crime than" "You seem more concerned in solving this crime than preventing it."" "Solving this crime than preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a" "Preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a lesson, 'cause..." "So, i raped her to teach her a lesson, 'cause..." "[ applause ]" "Lesson, 'cause..." "[ applause ] ...how else would she learn?" "[ Applause ] ...how else would she learn?" "We're trying to sell this show ...how else would she learn?" "We're trying to sell this show to the americans." "We're trying to sell this show to the americans." "I don't like our chances." "To the americans." "I don't like our chances." "So, let's do something we can" "I don't like our chances." "So, let's do something we can all enjoy." "So, let's do something we can all enjoy." "Sometimes when i'm fucking a" "All enjoy." "Sometimes when i'm fucking a chick, i go to fuck them again" "Sometimes when i'm fucking a chick, i go to fuck them again in the morning, and they'll say" "Chick, i go to fuck them again in the morning, and they'll say something like this " "In the morning, and they'll say something like this -- "No." "Something like this -- "No." "When we fucked last night, it" ""No." "When we fucked last night, it was a little bit dry, and now" "When we fucked last night, it was a little bit dry, and now i'm sore."" "Was a little bit dry, and now i'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said" "I'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, may i" "Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, may i say, "your problem." "Something similar to this, may i say, "your problem." "My job was to get an erection." "Say, "your problem." "My job was to get an erection." "Your job was to get your hole" "My job was to get an erection." "Your job was to get your hole wet." "Your job was to get your hole wet." "Didn't you get your hole wet?" "Wet." "Didn't you get your hole wet?" "We both had things to do"?" "Didn't you get your hole wet?" "We both had things to do"?" "See..." "We both had things to do"?" "See..." "if i don't get an erection" "See..." "if i don't get an erection during sex, i'm called impotent." "If i don't get an erection during sex, i'm called impotent." "But a dry hole is the same as a" "During sex, i'm called impotent." "But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis." "But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis." "A dry hole is an impotent hole" "Flaccid penis." "A dry hole is an impotent hole and you're not a complete woman" "A dry hole is an impotent hole and you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of" "And you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself." "And you should be ashamed of yourself." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yourself." "[ Cheers and applause ] but women don't take" "[ Cheers and applause ] but women don't take responsibility for the dry hole." "But women don't take responsibility for the dry hole." "If i go to fuck a chick tonight" "Responsibility for the dry hole." "If i go to fuck a chick tonight and i get too drunk, which i" "If i go to fuck a chick tonight and i get too drunk, which i will " " And i go to fuck a chick" "And i get too drunk, which i will " " And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection," "Will " " And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends" "And i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends and go, "oh, i went to fuck that" "She'll go back to her friends and go, "oh, i went to fuck that jim jefferies." "And go, "oh, i went to fuck that jim jefferies." "He couldn't get an erection."" "Jim jefferies." "He couldn't get an erection." But if i go to fuck a chick and" "He couldn't get an erection." But if i go to fuck a chick and she doesn't get wet, she'll go" "But if i go to fuck a chick and she doesn't get wet, she'll go back to her friends and go," "She doesn't get wet, she'll go back to her friends and go, "i fucked jim jefferies." "Back to her friends and go, "i fucked jim jefferies." "He didn't even get me wet."" ""I fucked jim jefferies." "He didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there?" "He didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there?" "I'm in charge of everything." "Do you see the problem there?" "I'm in charge of everything." "It's like " " I used to fuck this" "I'm in charge of everything." "It's like " " I used to fuck this chick for a while." "It's like " " I used to fuck this chick for a while." "I start fucking her, and she" "Chick for a while." "I start fucking her, and she sent me a text " " Well, you" "I start fucking her, and she sent me a text " " Well, you know, i just stopped calling" "Sent me a text " " Well, you know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her." "Know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her." "And she sent me a text message" "Her, you know, just ignored her." "And she sent me a text message a month later that went, "oh," "And she sent me a text message a month later that went, "oh, by the way, you never made me" "A month later that went, "oh, by the way, you never made me come."" "By the way, you never made me come." And i was like, "pfft, really?" "Come." And i was like, "pfft, really?" "You think you're the one who" "And i was like, "pfft, really?" "You think you're the one who makes me come?" "You think you're the one who makes me come?" "Do you want to know who makes" "Makes me come?" "Do you want to know who makes me come?" "Do you want to know who makes me come?" "I make me come!" "Me come?" "I make me come!" "All the horrible thoughts i" "I make me come!" "All the horrible thoughts i have in my fucking head makes" "All the horrible thoughts i have in my fucking head makes me come!" "Have in my fucking head makes me come!" "You have very little to do" "Me come!" "You have very little to do with it." "You have very little to do with it." "You're just the container i" "With it." "You're just the container i shoot it into."" "You're just the container i shoot it into." [ Applause ]" "Shoot it into." [ Applause ] but let's go back to the dry" "[ Applause ] but let's go back to the dry cunt." "But let's go back to the dry cunt." "There are women in the room who" "Cunt." "There are women in the room who are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't" "There are women in the room who are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of" "Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of foreplay."" "Be dry if there was a bit of foreplay." Let's explain foreplay." "Foreplay." Let's explain foreplay." "Foreplay is what we do to each" "Let's explain foreplay." "Foreplay is what we do to each other to get each other ready" "Foreplay is what we do to each other to get each other ready for sex." "Other to get each other ready for sex." "If i have an erection, that" "For sex." "If i have an erection, that means i'm ready for sex and" "If i have an erection, that means i'm ready for sex and i'm all foreplayed out." "Means i'm ready for sex and i'm all foreplayed out." "Now, the foreplay that's" "I'm all foreplayed out." "Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like" "Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like this " " You got to start by" "Necessary for a woman goes like this " " You got to start by kissing them." "This " " You got to start by kissing them." "Women love kissing." "Kissing them." "Women love kissing." "Men don't give a shit about" "Women love kissing." "Men don't give a shit about kissing." "Men don't give a shit about kissing." "We kiss you because we like you" "Kissing." "We kiss you because we like you and " " Let's be honest " " We" "We kiss you because we like you and " " Let's be honest " " We spoil you." "And " " Let's be honest " " We spoil you." "Men don't give a fuck about" "Spoil you." "Men don't give a fuck about kissing." "Men don't give a fuck about kissing." "Used to like kissing when we" "Kissing." "Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens." "Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens." "Then someone sucked our dick." "Were in our early teens." "Then someone sucked our dick." "And then, "what's this kissing" "Then someone sucked our dick." "And then, "what's this kissing thing?" "And then, "what's this kissing thing?" "Why am i kissing this person?" "Thing?" "Why am i kissing this person?" "Why would i ride on the swings?" "Why am i kissing this person?" "Why would i ride on the swings?" "I've already been to" "Why would i ride on the swings?" "I've already been to disneyland."" "I've already been to disneyland." But we kiss you 'cause we like" "Disneyland." But we kiss you 'cause we like you and we're a charitable" "But we kiss you 'cause we like you and we're a charitable bunch." "You and we're a charitable bunch." "Then you start kissing down the" "Bunch." "Then you start kissing down the neck." "Then you start kissing down the neck." "Now, the whole time you're doing" "Neck." "Now, the whole time you're doing this, you're working downwards," "Now, the whole time you're doing this, you're working downwards, towards the cunt." "This, you're working downwards, towards the cunt." "Now, you know you're going to" "Towards the cunt." "Now, you know you're going to the cunt." "Now, you know you're going to the cunt." "She knows you're going to the" "The cunt." "She knows you're going to the cunt." "She knows you're going to the cunt." "Everybody knows...you're going" "Cunt." "Everybody knows...you're going to the cunt." "Everybody knows...you're going to the cunt." "But for some unbeknown reason," "To the cunt." "But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not" "But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not going to the cunt and that" "You have to act like you're not going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of" "Going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of this creature." "You're enjoying the journey of this creature." "Women " " You got to give them a" "This creature." "Women " " You got to give them a journey." "Women " " You got to give them a journey." "Men don't give a shit about a" "Journey." "Men don't give a shit about a journey." "Men don't give a shit about a journey." "If a man's driving from point" "Journey." "If a man's driving from point "a" to point "b," we fill the" "If a man's driving from point "a" to point "b," we fill the tank, we get on the motorway," ""A" to point "b," we fill the tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right?" "Tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right?" "With women, you got to give them" "We make good time, right?" "With women, you got to give them a fucking journey." "With women, you got to give them a fucking journey." "You got to take them by the" "A fucking journey." "You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit." "You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit." "[ Chuckles ]" "Water or antiquing or some shit." "[ Chuckles ] see, the thing is women read so" "[ Chuckles ] see, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send" "See, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to" "Many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these" "Your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the " "Titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the -- It's a lot of fucking bullshit." "25 steps to do all the -- It's a lot of fucking bullshit." "Oh, "get a feather."" "It's a lot of fucking bullshit." "Oh, "get a feather." "Involve food in the" "Oh, "get a feather." "Involve food in the relationship."" ""Involve food in the relationship." This is all bullshit." "Relationship." This is all bullshit." ""Play with his nipples."" "This is all bullshit." ""Play with his nipples." These things are fucking dead!" ""Play with his nipples." These things are fucking dead!" "They're dead to me!" "These things are fucking dead!" "They're dead to me!" "These mean nothing!" "They're dead to me!" "These mean nothing!" "You could cut these off and" "These mean nothing!" "You could cut these off and donate them to some poor african" "You could cut these off and donate them to some poor african child without nipples!" "Donate them to some poor african child without nipples!" "I wouldn't give a fuck." "Child without nipples!" "I wouldn't give a fuck." "This is what we want you to" "I wouldn't give a fuck." "This is what we want you to do " " Fucking suck our cock and" "This is what we want you to do " " Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls." "Do " " Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls." "And when you're sucking our" "Cup our balls." "And when you're sucking our cock, look like you're in a bit" "And when you're sucking our cock, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if" "Cock, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable." "Of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "You look uncomfortable." "[ Cheers and applause ] anyway, but back to the lady " "[ Cheers and applause ] anyway, but back to the lady -- You keep kissing down." "Anyway, but back to the lady -- You keep kissing down." "Now you're at the tits." "You keep kissing down." "Now you're at the tits." "Now, tits are a mixed bag." "Now you're at the tits." "Now, tits are a mixed bag." "Some tits you got to be firm" "Now, tits are a mixed bag." "Some tits you got to be firm with." "Some tits you got to be firm with." "Some tits you got to be soft" "With." "Some tits you got to be soft with." "Some tits you got to be soft with." "Some tits, you can bite the" "With." "Some tits, you can bite the nipple." "Some tits, you can bite the nipple." "Some tits, don't even go near" "Nipple." "Some tits, don't even go near the nipple." "Some tits, don't even go near the nipple." "Tits are like golf " " You play" "The nipple." "Tits are like golf " " You play the course you're on." "Tits are like golf " " You play the course you're on." "Then...you keep kissing down." "The course you're on." "Then...you keep kissing down." "Now you're at the cunt." "Then...you keep kissing down." "Now you're at the cunt." "But even when you get to the" "Now you're at the cunt." "But even when you get to the cunt, you have to act like" "But even when you get to the cunt, you have to act like you're not at the cunt." "Cunt, you have to act like you're not at the cunt." "You have to act like you've" "You're not at the cunt." "You have to act like you've stumbled upon the cunt by" "You have to act like you've stumbled upon the cunt by accident." "Stumbled upon the cunt by accident." "So, you'll be kissing, like, a" "Accident." "So, you'll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and" "So, you'll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt's there." "Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt's there." "And you have to sort of almost," "The cunt's there." "And you have to sort of almost, "oh, hello!" "And you have to sort of almost, "oh, hello!" "I was visiting dimple-Y thigh." ""Oh, hello!" "I was visiting dimple-Y thigh." "I forgot you lived down here." "I was visiting dimple-Y thigh." "I forgot you lived down here." "No, always a pleasure, never a" "I forgot you lived down here." "No, always a pleasure, never a chore." "No, always a pleasure, never a chore." "Do you mind if i pop in?"" "Chore." "Do you mind if i pop in?" Then you lick the whole general" "Do you mind if i pop in?" Then you lick the whole general cunt area." "Then you lick the whole general cunt area." "Then there's a bit at the top of" "Cunt area." "Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt " " If you lick that," "Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt " " If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it." "The cunt " " If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it." "This all takes between 10 and 40" "They seem to enjoy it." "This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes." "This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes." "And she might be wet." "Minutes." "And she might be wet." "And that's the foreplay that's" "And she might be wet." "And that's the foreplay that's necessary for a woman." "And that's the foreplay that's necessary for a woman." "Now, the foreplay that's" "Necessary for a woman." "Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a man " " We just" "Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a man " " We just need to see you naked." "Necessary for a man " " We just need to see you naked." "Maybe you need kisses, caresses," "Need to see you naked." "Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all" "Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all we need is you." "Compliments, and licks, when all we need is you." "Maybe we take our relationships" "We need is you." "Maybe we take our relationships seriously." "Maybe we take our relationships seriously." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ] how many more do you reckon there is behind there?" "How many more do you reckon there is behind there?" "There's a dwarf behind there" "There is behind there?" "There's a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail." "There's a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail." "I am fucking drunk, though." "Mixing me a cocktail." "I am fucking drunk, though." "All right." "I am fucking drunk, though." "All right." "I'm gonna tell you a story." "All right." "I'm gonna tell you a story." "This story's very long." "I'm gonna tell you a story." "This story's very long." "The first three minutes of this" "This story's very long." "The first three minutes of this story are very depressing." "The first three minutes of this story are very depressing." "Just hitching up my pants." "Story are very depressing." "Just hitching up my pants." "The first three minutes of this" "Just hitching up my pants." "The first three minutes of this story are very depressing, but" "The first three minutes of this story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this" "Story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this story takes flight." "There is a moment where this story takes flight." "And you have to hang in there" "Story takes flight." "And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and" "And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and trust me that the story's gonna" "With me until this moment and trust me that the story's gonna get good." "Trust me that the story's gonna get good." "I grew up at number 3" "Get good." "I grew up at number 3 turramurra street." "I grew up at number 3 turramurra street." "At number 5 was my two best" "Turramurra street." "At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, andrew and" "At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, andrew and daniel connor." "Childhood friends, andrew and daniel connor." "Daniel was born with a disease" "Daniel connor." "Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy." "Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy." "If you don't know what muscular" "Called muscular dystrophy." "If you don't know what muscular dystrophy is, it's a horrible" "If you don't know what muscular dystrophy is, it's a horrible disease that wastes away at your" "Dystrophy is, it's a horrible disease that wastes away at your muscles." "Disease that wastes away at your muscles." "It's the same as lou gehrig's" "Muscles." "It's the same as lou gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease," "It's the same as lou gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease, except you're born with it." "Disease or motor neuron disease, except you're born with it." "You get diagnosed when you're" "Except you're born with it." "You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when you're" "You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when you're not walking right and they put" "About 6 years old, when you're not walking right and they put you on crutches." "Not walking right and they put you on crutches." "By the time you're 10, you're in" "You on crutches." "By the time you're 10, you're in a wheelchair." "By the time you're 10, you're in a wheelchair." "By the time you're 20, you're in" "A wheelchair." "By the time you're 20, you're in a completely vegetative state." "By the time you're 20, you're in a completely vegetative state." "Most people die before their" "A completely vegetative state." "Most people die before their 25th birthday." "Most people die before their 25th birthday." "Dan's lived to be 33 years old, 25th birthday." "Dan's lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking." "Dan's lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking." "Let me rephrase that " "Still alive and kicking." "Let me rephrase that -- Still alive." "Let me rephrase that -- Still alive." "[ Scattered applause ]" "Still alive." "[ Scattered applause ] he's actually died seven times" "[ Scattered applause ] he's actually died seven times in his life and been" "He's actually died seven times in his life and been resuscitated " " Seven." "In his life and been resuscitated " " Seven." "And i once asked him " " I said," "Resuscitated " " Seven." "And i once asked him " " I said, "dan, what happens after you" "And i once asked him " " I said, "dan, what happens after you die?"" ""Dan, what happens after you die?" And he said, "nothing."" "Die?" And he said, "nothing." So, good luck with your religion" "And he said, "nothing." So, good luck with your religion and your faith." "So, good luck with your religion and your faith." "I'll take an actual statistic." "And your faith." "I'll take an actual statistic." "Now, his family had since moved" "I'll take an actual statistic." "Now, his family had since moved to melbourne." "Now, his family had since moved to melbourne." "I had moved to great britain." "To melbourne." "I had moved to great britain." "I went to do the" "I had moved to great britain." "I went to do the melbourne comedy festival." "I went to do the melbourne comedy festival." "This was about a year ago." "Melbourne comedy festival." "This was about a year ago." "I hadn't seen him in all that" "This was about a year ago." "I hadn't seen him in all that time." "I hadn't seen him in all that time." "His brother andrew came to see" "Time." "His brother andrew came to see my show, and then andrew took me" "His brother andrew came to see my show, and then andrew took me to see dan." "My show, and then andrew took me to see dan." "And i went in to see him, and" "To see dan." "And i went in to see him, and i'd never seen anyone live this" "And i went in to see him, and i'd never seen anyone live this long with this disease." "I'd never seen anyone live this long with this disease." "And he's laying on a bed." "Long with this disease." "And he's laying on a bed." "His eyelids are a muscle that he" "And he's laying on a bed." "His eyelids are a muscle that he can't keep open anymore, and" "His eyelids are a muscle that he can't keep open anymore, and he's just squinting through" "Can't keep open anymore, and he's just squinting through these little things and has a" "He's just squinting through these little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep" "These little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the" "Breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't" "His lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping." "Lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping." "He has a heart-Monitoring" "Keep pumping." "He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in" "He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and" "Machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him." "The middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him." "And as soon as i walked in and" "Someone has to resuscitate him." "And as soon as i walked in and saw this guy that i used to run" "And as soon as i walked in and saw this guy that i used to run around with as a child, i burst" "Saw this guy that i used to run around with as a child, i burst into tears." "Around with as a child, i burst into tears." "There's nothing worse you can" "Into tears." "There's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than" "There's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than pity, you know?" "Give anyone in this world than pity, you know?" "I went in the corridor." "Pity, you know?" "I went in the corridor." "I felt like a right prick." "I went in the corridor." "I felt like a right prick." "And i was fucking wiping my eyes" "I felt like a right prick." "And i was fucking wiping my eyes off." "And i was fucking wiping my eyes off." "And i went back in and i sat" "Off." "And i went back in and i sat with dan, and his brother andrew" "And i went back in and i sat with dan, and his brother andrew went off to work." "With dan, and his brother andrew went off to work." "And me and dan chatted for" "Went off to work." "And me and dan chatted for a while." "And me and dan chatted for a while." "20 minutes into the" "A while." "20 minutes into the conversation, dan says to me, 20 minutes into the conversation, dan says to me, "jim, i'm 32 years old." "Conversation, dan says to me, "jim, i'm 32 years old." "I've never been with a woman." ""Jim, i'm 32 years old." "I've never been with a woman." "Will you take me to a" "I've never been with a woman." "Will you take me to a prostitute?"" "Will you take me to a prostitute?" And that's where the story picks" "Prostitute?" And that's where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause" "And that's where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause i went, "fuck, yeah!"" "Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause i went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my" "I went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my brother." "And he went, "but don't tell my brother." "He wouldn't understand."" "Brother." "He wouldn't understand." And i said, "that's where you're" "He wouldn't understand." And i said, "that's where you're wrong." "And i said, "that's where you're wrong." "I've known your brother my" "Wrong." "I've known your brother my entire life." "I've known your brother my entire life." "Trust me " " He will understand."" "Entire life." "Trust me " " He will understand." And against dan's will, when" "Trust me " " He will understand." And against dan's will, when andrew came home from work, i" "And against dan's will, when andrew came home from work, i pulled andrew aside and said," "Andrew came home from work, i pulled andrew aside and said, "andrew, look, here's the deal." "Pulled andrew aside and said, "andrew, look, here's the deal." "Dan's asked me to take him to" ""Andrew, look, here's the deal." "Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute." "Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute." "I'm gonna do it whether you like" "A prostitute." "I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not, but i think, as his" "I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not, but i think, as his brother, you should come along" "It or not, but i think, as his brother, you should come along and help out."" "Brother, you should come along and help out." And andrew went, "we're not" "And help out." And andrew went, "we're not doing it."" "And andrew went, "we're not doing it." And i went, "why?"" "Doing it." And i went, "why?" And he went, "it'll kill him."" "And i went, "why?" And he went, "it'll kill him." And i went " "And he went, "it'll kill him." And i went -- [ Exhales heavily ]" "And i went -- [ Exhales heavily ] "he's gonna die soon anyway." "[ Exhales heavily ] "he's gonna die soon anyway." "This is a good way for him to" ""He's gonna die soon anyway." "This is a good way for him to go." "This is a good way for him to go." "Like, sure, we'll have to answer" "Go." "Like, sure, we'll have to answer a few questions."" "Like, sure, we'll have to answer a few questions." And he said, "we're not doing" "A few questions." And he said, "we're not doing it."" "And he said, "we're not doing it." And i said, "why?"" "It." And i said, "why?" And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't" "And i said, "why?" And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't like you already!"" "And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't like you already!" And i went, "your mom's never" "Like you already!" And i went, "your mom's never liked me!" "And i went, "your mom's never liked me!" "That's why i'm the right guy to" "Liked me!" "That's why i'm the right guy to kill your brother!"" "That's why i'm the right guy to kill your brother!" And he said, "all right, we'll" "Kill your brother!" And he said, "all right, we'll do it, but he can't have full" "And he said, "all right, we'll do it, but he can't have full sex." "Do it, but he can't have full sex." "Full sex will kill him." "Sex." "Full sex will kill him." "He can only have a blowjob."" "Full sex will kill him." "He can only have a blowjob." And i thought that was fairly" "He can only have a blowjob." And i thought that was fairly reasonable." "And i thought that was fairly reasonable." "So, we went back in and saw dan." "Reasonable." "So, we went back in and saw dan." "He was where we left him." "So, we went back in and saw dan." "He was where we left him." "And we said..." "He was where we left him." "And we said..." ""dan, here's the deal " " I know" "And we said..." ""dan, here's the deal " " I know you told me not to tell your" ""Dan, here's the deal " " I know you told me not to tell your brother, but i told your" "You told me not to tell your brother, but i told your brother." "Brother, but i told your brother." "Me and him are both gonna take" "Brother." "Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow," "Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can't have full" "You to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can't have full sex." "Mate, but you can't have full sex." "You can only have a blowjob."" "Sex." "You can only have a blowjob." And dan went, "i want full sex."" "You can only have a blowjob." And dan went, "i want full sex." And his brother andrew went," "And dan went, "i want full sex." And his brother andrew went, "dan, you're in no position to" "And his brother andrew went, "dan, you're in no position to argue with anyone, ever."" ""Dan, you're in no position to argue with anyone, ever." Then dan reluctantly agreed." "Argue with anyone, ever." Then dan reluctantly agreed." "Now, prostitution in australia" "Then dan reluctantly agreed." "Now, prostitution in australia is legal, so i spent the rest of" "Now, prostitution in australia is legal, so i spent the rest of the afternoon going through the" "Is legal, so i spent the rest of the afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a" "The afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access." "Phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access." "Best afternoon ever!" "Brothel with wheelchair access." "Best afternoon ever!" "[ Scattered applause ]" "Best afternoon ever!" "[ Scattered applause ] eventually, i found one, the" "[ Scattered applause ] eventually, i found one, the biggest brothel in the southern" "Eventually, i found one, the biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet," "Biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the australians call it," "Hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the australians call it, "four floors of whores."" "Or, as the australians call it, "four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because" ""Four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because australia's a go-Ahead country." "It's a 24-Hour brothel because australia's a go-Ahead country." "So, we decided we were gonna go" "Australia's a go-Ahead country." "So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like" "So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M." "Early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the" "Really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren't" "We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene." "Place was quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene." "So, we wake him up at 6:00 in" "Gonna cause a scene." "So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning." "So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning." "It's hard to tell if he's awake." "The morning." "It's hard to tell if he's awake." "And we get him in his chair." "It's hard to tell if he's awake." "And we get him in his chair." "Now, he hasn't got your" "And we get him in his chair." "Now, he hasn't got your bog-Standard fucking wheelchair." "Now, he hasn't got your bog-Standard fucking wheelchair." "He's got one of those big sort" "Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair." "He's got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with" "He's got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it." "Of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it." "I think the model's called a" "The truck tires on it." "I think the model's called a hawking." "I think the model's called a hawking." "And even though his muscles" "Hawking." "And even though his muscles don't work, they get sore." "And even though his muscles don't work, they get sore." "So, this thing can move him from" "Don't work, they get sore." "So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front" "So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front and even into a full bed." "Side to side and back to front and even into a full bed." "So, we get him in the chair." "And even into a full bed." "So, we get him in the chair." "Then we order a taxi." "So, we get him in the chair." "Then we order a taxi." "And then " " It's not like you" "Then we order a taxi." "And then " " It's not like you have black cabs out there." "And then " " It's not like you have black cabs out there." "It's like a normal car, but" "Have black cabs out there." "It's like a normal car, but they've modified the back to go" "It's like a normal car, but they've modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up" "They've modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap" "Higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up" "Through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around" "Him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded" "High, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded pope..." "Him, like a big, retarded pope..." "or, as the catholics would say," "Pope..." "or, as the catholics would say, the pope." "Or, as the catholics would say, the pope." "[ Applause ]" "The pope." "[ Applause ] and we drive up to the brothel." "[ Applause ] and we drive up to the brothel." "Now, when we get to the brothel," "And we drive up to the brothel." "Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him" "Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi." "It takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi." "I see this as my window of" "Off the taxi." "I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they're" "I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they're getting him off the taxi, i run" "Opportunity, so while they're getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel." "Getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel." "Now, there's two ways that" "Into the brothel." "Now, there's two ways that brothels work." "Now, there's two ways that brothels work." "Either the prostitutes will" "Brothels work." "Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie" "Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that" "Stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand" "And you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns" "You want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up" "Around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the" "And high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit," "To the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of" "Look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern" "Act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern european woman, then take her" "Connection with an eastern european woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you" "European woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this" "Upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this delusional." "Need your life to be this delusional." "This is one of these situations." "Delusional." "This is one of these situations." "So, while they're getting dan" "This is one of these situations." "So, while they're getting dan out of the cab, i run into the" "So, while they're getting dan out of the cab, i run into the brothel and go, "everyone," "Out of the cab, i run into the brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round!" "Brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round!" "I haven't got much time!"" "Quickly, gather 'round!" "I haven't got much time!" And these 14 bemused hookers" "I haven't got much time!" And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over, and i went," "And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over, and i went, "look " " Here's the deal." "Shuffle over, and i went, "look " " Here's the deal." "I have a severely disabled" ""Look " " Here's the deal." "I have a severely disabled friend with me." "I have a severely disabled friend with me." "If you're not up for it, speak" "Friend with me." "If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace."" "If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace." And one of them went, "how bad" "Now or forever hold your peace." And one of them went, "how bad is he?"" "And one of them went, "how bad is he?" And i went, "[ chuckles ]" "Is he?" And i went, "[ chuckles ] pretty fucking bad."" "And i went, "[ chuckles ] pretty fucking bad." And 10 of them said they" "Pretty fucking bad." And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it, and i said," "And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it, and i said, "well, i respect that, but can" "Wouldn't do it, and i said, "well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide?" ""Well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide?" "Because i don't want him to be" "You please go and hide?" "Because i don't want him to be rejected by hookers."" "Because i don't want him to be rejected by hookers." And these 10 girls shuffle away" "Rejected by hookers." And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their" "And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea" "In their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them." "High heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them." "I am now left with four girls." "Falling out of them." "I am now left with four girls." "The best-Looking one by a mile" "I am now left with four girls." "The best-Looking one by a mile stays." "The best-Looking one by a mile stays." "Dan wheels in, looking like" "Stays." "Dan wheels in, looking like jabba the hut, breathing like" "Dan wheels in, looking like jabba the hut, breathing like darth vader." "Jabba the hut, breathing like darth vader." "Two of the girls run away, and" "Darth vader." "Two of the girls run away, and i'm like, "are you fucking" "Two of the girls run away, and i'm like, "are you fucking kidding, you sluts?" "I'm like, "are you fucking kidding, you sluts?" "I just asked you nicely."" "Kidding, you sluts?" "I just asked you nicely." So we're now left with two" "I just asked you nicely." So we're now left with two girls." "So we're now left with two girls." "The best-Looking one's there." "Girls." "The best-Looking one's there." "The other one's a fucking troll." "The best-Looking one's there." "The other one's a fucking troll." "Now, out of respect for the ugly" "The other one's a fucking troll." "Now, out of respect for the ugly one, i go to dan " " I go, "dan," "Now, out of respect for the ugly one, i go to dan " " I go, "dan, there's only two girls working" "One, i go to dan " " I go, "dan, there's only two girls working today, mate." "There's only two girls working today, mate." "Which one do you want?"" "Today, mate." "Which one do you want?" And he said, "the one in the" "Which one do you want?" And he said, "the one in the green dress."" "And he said, "the one in the green dress." Now, neither of them had a" "Green dress." Now, neither of them had a green dress." "Now, neither of them had a green dress." "I stand up and look at andrew" "Green dress." "I stand up and look at andrew and went, "what the fuck is all" "I stand up and look at andrew and went, "what the fuck is all this about?"" "And went, "what the fuck is all this about?" And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his" "This about?" And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well."" "And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well." Now, it turns out that dan's" "Eyes are fucked, as well." Now, it turns out that dan's colorblind." "Now, it turns out that dan's colorblind." "It's not part of the condition." "Colorblind." "It's not part of the condition." "It's just unfortunate." "It's not part of the condition." "It's just unfortunate." "So...i sat with the hooker." "It's just unfortunate." "So...i sat with the hooker." "Now, i'm gonna pay for" "So...i sat with the hooker." "Now, i'm gonna pay for everything." "Now, i'm gonna pay for everything." "Now, the reason i'm gonna pay" "Everything." "Now, the reason i'm gonna pay for everything is simple." "Now, the reason i'm gonna pay for everything is simple." "I told dan and andrew that i" "For everything is simple." "I told dan and andrew that i would pay for everything, as" "I told dan and andrew that i would pay for everything, as long as i got to tell this story" "Would pay for everything, as long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of" "Long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of people in the future." "To hundreds of thousands of people in the future." "And they said, "of course you" "People in the future." "And they said, "of course you can, jim, but be respectful and" "And they said, "of course you can, jim, but be respectful and change our names," which sounds" "Can, jim, but be respectful and change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now," "Change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it?" "Like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it?" "Now, i haven't changed their" "Doesn't it?" "Now, i haven't changed their names." "Now, i haven't changed their names." "Their names are andrew and" "Names." "Their names are andrew and daniel connor from st kilda," "Their names are andrew and daniel connor from st kilda, melbourne, australia." "Daniel connor from st kilda, melbourne, australia." "I would have liked to have" "Melbourne, australia." "I would have liked to have changed their names." "I would have liked to have changed their names." "It is the right thing to do." "Changed their names." "It is the right thing to do." "But i look at this way " " Even" "It is the right thing to do." "But i look at this way " " Even if i changed their names and" "But i look at this way " " Even if i changed their names and their parents started watching" "If i changed their names and their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my" "Their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and" "My comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and 'steve' sound like our kids?" "Word, doesn't 'randy' and 'steve' sound like our kids?" "Didn't jim grow up with a lot of" "'Steve' sound like our kids?" "Didn't jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?"" "Didn't jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?" So, i sat there with the hooker," "People with muscular dystrophy?" So, i sat there with the hooker, and i said, "how much for the" "So, i sat there with the hooker, and i said, "how much for the half-Hour?"" "And i said, "how much for the half-Hour?" And she said, "$180."" "Half-Hour?" And she said, "$180." And i said, "i'll give you $250" "And she said, "$180." And i said, "i'll give you $250 'cause i realize this is a" "And i said, "i'll give you $250 'cause i realize this is a specialty thing you're doing."" "'Cause i realize this is a specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one" "Specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one question for you," and i said," "And she goes, "i got one question for you," and i said, "shoot," and she went..." "Question for you," and i said, "shoot," and she went..." ""is he mentally retarded?"" ""Shoot," and she went..." ""is he mentally retarded?" And i went..." ""Is he mentally retarded?" And i went..." ""oh, yeah." "And i went..." ""oh, yeah." "That's what i do." ""Oh, yeah." "That's what i do." "I find mentally retarded people" "That's what i do." "I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes." "I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes." "I'll be masturbating in the" "And take them to prostitutes." "I'll be masturbating in the corner." "I'll be masturbating in the corner." "He doesn't even know he's here."" "Corner." "He doesn't even know he's here." And she went, "okay, then, but" "He doesn't even know he's here." And she went, "okay, then, but if there's two of you --"" "And she went, "okay, then, but if there's two of you --" "No, he's not mentally retarded!" "If there's two of you --" "No, he's not mentally retarded!" "It's his choice to come here!" ""No, he's not mentally retarded!" "It's his choice to come here!" "There's a good chance he'll" "It's his choice to come here!" "There's a good chance he'll die!"" "There's a good chance he'll die!" And she went, "what am i meant" "Die!" And she went, "what am i meant to do with him?"" "And she went, "what am i meant to do with him?" And i went, "i don't know." "To do with him?" And i went, "i don't know." "I've never been a hooker." "And i went, "i don't know." "I've never been a hooker." "But i'm thinking give him a bit" "I've never been a hooker." "But i'm thinking give him a bit of a show." "But i'm thinking give him a bit of a show." "Dance it around a bit." "Of a show." "Dance it around a bit." "Rub your tits in his face." "Dance it around a bit." "Rub your tits in his face." "Then suck him off." "Rub your tits in his face." "Then suck him off." "But don't sit on him or fuck" "Then suck him off." "But don't sit on him or fuck him." "But don't sit on him or fuck him." "It'll kill him."" "Him." "It'll kill him." So, we go up to the room, which," "It'll kill him." So, we go up to the room, which, thank god, was on the first" "So, we go up to the room, which, thank god, was on the first floor." "Thank god, was on the first floor." "And me and andrew look at dan" "Floor." "And me and andrew look at dan like two proud parents, watching" "And me and andrew look at dan like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the" "Like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the first time." "Our child go to school for the first time." "And then we leave." "First time." "And then we leave." "And as we proceed to leave, i" "And then we leave." "And as we proceed to leave, i pat andrew on the back, and i" "And as we proceed to leave, i pat andrew on the back, and i said, "andrew, you've been a" "Pat andrew on the back, and i said, "andrew, you've been a good brother today."" "Said, "andrew, you've been a good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate."" "Good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate." Then we had a hug." "He said, "thanks, mate." Then we had a hug." "And then we had that moment" "Then we had a hug." "And then we had that moment after our hug that australian" "And then we had that moment after our hug that australian men have, where we go, "ah, get" "After our hug that australian men have, where we go, "ah, get out of here." "Men have, where we go, "ah, get out of here." "What's wrong with ya?"" "Out of here." "What's wrong with ya?" And then i said, "hey, andrew," "What's wrong with ya?" And then i said, "hey, andrew, how does dan get his clothes" "And then i said, "hey, andrew, how does dan get his clothes off?"" "How does dan get his clothes off?" And andrew went..." "Off?" And andrew went..." ""fuck!"" "And andrew went..." ""fuck!" And we went back in." ""Fuck!" And we went back in." "Andrew looks him up and down," "And we went back in." "Andrew looks him up and down, and he turns to me and goes," "Andrew looks him up and down, and he turns to me and goes, "look " " He's very fragile." "And he turns to me and goes, "look " " He's very fragile." "I know how he likes to be" ""Look " " He's very fragile." "I know how he likes to be picked up." "I know how he likes to be picked up." "I'll lift him up." "Picked up." "I'll lift him up." "You take his pants off."" "I'll lift him up." "You take his pants off." Andrew gets behind, lifts him up" "You take his pants off." Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits " " Like i" "Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits " " Like i couldn't have figured out their" "By his armpits " " Like i couldn't have figured out their magical hold." "Couldn't have figured out their magical hold." "I'm on my knees taking dan's" "Magical hold." "I'm on my knees taking dan's track-Suit pants off." "I'm on my knees taking dan's track-Suit pants off." "He always wore track-Suit pants," "Track-Suit pants off." "He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion." "He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion." "And as i'm taking his track-Suit" "Never got into fashion." "And as i'm taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are" "And as i'm taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are wondering is, "can dan get an" "Pants off, what many of you are wondering is, "can dan get an erection?"" "Wondering is, "can dan get an erection?" And the answer is, "yes."" "Erection?" And the answer is, "yes." Even though none of the muscles" "And the answer is, "yes." Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock is" "Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock is not a muscle." "In his body work, the cock is not a muscle." "The cock is a bit of skin that" "Not a muscle." "The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood." "The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood." "If he gets aroused up here," "Fills with blood." "If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there." "If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there." "Now, what nobody knew about this" "Blood will rush to there." "Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's" "Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's packing heat!" "32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's packing heat!" "I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of" "Packing heat!" "I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery." "I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery." "This cock's so fucking big, i" "Disabled misery." "This cock's so fucking big, i think that's why the rest of his" "This cock's so fucking big, i think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work." "Think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work." "I take the pants off." "Muscles didn't work." "I take the pants off." "This thing springs up and hits" "I take the pants off." "This thing springs up and hits me in the mouth." "Then the hooker goes, "let's do the light." Let's explain the light." "The light." Let's explain the light." "When they legalized prostitution" "Let's explain the light." "When they legalized prostitution in australia, they didn't" "When they legalized prostitution in australia, they didn't legalize it in all forms." "In australia, they didn't legalize it in all forms." "For instance, you cannot get a" "Legalize it in all forms." "For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker." "For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker." "You cannot get a prostitute to" "Street-Walking hooker." "You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room." "You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room." "You can only go to a brothel, in" "Your hotel room." "You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they" "You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they have security for the girls in" "A safe environment, where they have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a" "Have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever." "Case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever." "And also it's safer for the" "Drunken dickhead or whatever." "And also it's safer for the people that go to brothels" "And also it's safer for the people that go to brothels because the girls get tested for" "People that go to brothels because the girls get tested for stds every month." "Because the girls get tested for stds every month." "So, arguably, you're better off" "Stds every month." "So, arguably, you're better off in australia fucking a" "So, arguably, you're better off in australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a" "In australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar." "Prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar." "But i'm not gonna have that" "Girl in a bar." "But i'm not gonna have that conversation again." "But i'm not gonna have that conversation again." "All my " " You try explaining" "Conversation again." "All my " " You try explaining that to a girlfriend." "All my " " You try explaining that to a girlfriend." "It's a fucking minefield." "That to a girlfriend." "It's a fucking minefield." "But also they make it safe for" "It's a fucking minefield." "But also they make it safe for the girls." "But also they make it safe for the girls." "If you're a guy who goes to a" "The girls." "If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo" "If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo the light." "Prostitute, you have to undergo the light." "Let's explain the light." "The light." "Let's explain the light." "It's very simple." "Let's explain the light." "It's very simple." "It sounds like what it is." "It's very simple." "It sounds like what it is." "You put your cock under a very" "It sounds like what it is." "You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look" "You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if" "Bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward." "Around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward." "Then they get a magnifying glass" "There's anything untoward." "Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to" "Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running" "Out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running around." "Make sure nothing's running around." "It's not a big deal." "Around." "It's not a big deal." "I've been rejected heaps of" "It's not a big deal." "I've been rejected heaps of times." "I've been rejected heaps of times." "Now, the chair's here." "Times." "Now, the chair's here." "There's a bed here." "Now, the chair's here." "There's a bed here." "There's a hot tub there." "There's a bed here." "There's a hot tub there." "The light's over there." "There's a hot tub there." "The light's over there." "Now, we try to get the chair" "The light's over there." "Now, we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub," "Now, we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub, but we can't get it through." "Past the bed and the hot tub, but we can't get it through." "So, me and andrew walk over to" "But we can't get it through." "So, me and andrew walk over to the hooker, and we're whispering" "So, me and andrew walk over to the hooker, and we're whispering 'cause we don't want dan to" "The hooker, and we're whispering 'cause we don't want dan to hear." "'Cause we don't want dan to hear." "We're like, "um...we can't do" "Hear." "We're like, "um...we can't do the light thing."" "We're like, "um...we can't do the light thing." And she goes, "if you don't do" "The light thing." And she goes, "if you don't do the light, i'm not doing it."" "And she goes, "if you don't do the light, i'm not doing it." And me and andrew went, "aw." "The light, i'm not doing it." And me and andrew went, "aw." "Come on." "And me and andrew went, "aw." "Come on." "He's a virgin." "Come on." "He's a virgin." "What's the worst that could" "He's a virgin." "What's the worst that could happen?"" "What's the worst that could happen?" And she whispered, "actually," "Happen?" And she whispered, "actually, i'm more concerned about his" "And she whispered, "actually, i'm more concerned about his cleanliness."" "I'm more concerned about his cleanliness." And then his brother andrew said" "Cleanliness." And then his brother andrew said loudly and proudly, "i washed it" "And then his brother andrew said loudly and proudly, "i washed it before we came out!"" "Loudly and proudly, "i washed it before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good" "Before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good brother, good sister, good" "Now, you may think you're a good brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever" "Brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in" "Mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing" "The fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing until you've washed your" "This world, but you're nothing until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take" "Until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute!" "Disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute!" "That is love, ladies and" "Him to a prostitute!" "That is love, ladies and gentlemen " " Tangible fucking" "That is love, ladies and gentlemen " " Tangible fucking love." "Gentlemen " " Tangible fucking love." "So, we looked at dan." "Love." "So, we looked at dan." "Everyone agreed it was time to" "So, we looked at dan." "Everyone agreed it was time to go." "Everyone agreed it was time to go." "We looked at dan." "Go." "We looked at dan." "Me and andrew looked at him and" "We looked at dan." "Me and andrew looked at him and went, "we're going now, mate." "Me and andrew looked at him and went, "we're going now, mate." "If you got anything you want to" "Went, "we're going now, mate." "If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, 'cause," "If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, 'cause, uh, we're gonna leave, mate."" "Say to us, say it now, 'cause, uh, we're gonna leave, mate." And this is what dan did." "[ Imitates wheelchair whirring ]" ""Leave!" So, me and andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out" "So, me and andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers." "To the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers." "There was like 10 of them sort" "With the hookers." "There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there." "There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there." "We're standing there." "Of mulling around there." "We're standing there." "We don't know what dan's up to," "We're standing there." "We don't know what dan's up to, but we're standing around the" "We don't know what dan's up to, but we're standing around the bar with all the hookers." "But we're standing around the bar with all the hookers." "And then five guys from london" "Bar with all the hookers." "And then five guys from london walk into the bar, who are" "And then five guys from london walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking" "Walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke." "Obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke." "Now, if you've never taken a" "Skulls on coke." "Now, if you've never taken a lot of coke, and i've " "Now, if you've never taken a lot of coke, and i've -- [ Mumbles ]" "Lot of coke, and i've -- [ Mumbles ] if anyone's got any..." "[ Mumbles ] if anyone's got any..." "[ mumbles ]" "If anyone's got any..." "[ mumbles ] no, if you've never taken coke," "[ Mumbles ] no, if you've never taken coke, you don't " " When like five or" "No, if you've never taken coke, you don't " " When like five or six guys get together and take" "You don't " " When like five or six guys get together and take coke on, like, a tuesday, there" "Six guys get together and take coke on, like, a tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in" "Coke on, like, a tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we" "Comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks," "The morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks, maybe --"" "Better call up some chicks, maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends," "Maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, "bring some friends, bring" "And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, "bring some friends, bring some friends."" "Like, "bring some friends, bring some friends." And it's like " " I don't know" "Some friends." And it's like " " I don't know what you're expecting." "And it's like " " I don't know what you're expecting." "So, basically, this " "What you're expecting." "So, basically, this -- I think it was a wednesday we" "So, basically, this -- I think it was a wednesday we did this, and i think these guys" "I think it was a wednesday we did this, and i think these guys had been on coke all night." "Did this, and i think these guys had been on coke all night." "And they've obviously gone, "all" "Had been on coke all night." "And they've obviously gone, "all right, let's go down the" "And they've obviously gone, "all right, let's go down the brothel." "Right, let's go down the brothel." "We'll go down the brothel." "Brothel." "We'll go down the brothel." "It'll be fun." "We'll go down the brothel." "It'll be fun." "We'll go down the brothel."" "It'll be fun." "We'll go down the brothel." And i'm standing at the bar," "We'll go down the brothel." And i'm standing at the bar, chatting with all the hookers," "And i'm standing at the bar, chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from london" "Chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from london walk in, and one of them" "And these five guys from london walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes," "Walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes, "jim fucking jefferies," "Recognizes me and goes, "jim fucking jefferies, jim fucking jefferies." ""Jim fucking jefferies, jim fucking jefferies." "I know you, mate." "I know you." "Jim fucking jefferies." "I know you, mate." "I know you." "You're the comedian " " The" "I know you, mate." "I know you." "You're the comedian " " The 'spaz approved' guy, australian" "You're the comedian " " The 'spaz approved' guy, australian comedian."" "'Spaz approved' guy, australian comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing," "Comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing, man?"" "And i went, "hey, how you doing, man?" He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim," "Man?" He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim..." "He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim..." "want a line of coke?"" "Jim, jim, jim..." "want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes."" "Want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes." And i went up to the toilet" "And i went, "yes." And i went up to the toilet and did a line of coke." "And i went up to the toilet and did a line of coke." "And i come back out, and," "And did a line of coke." "And i come back out, and, obviously, i've left andrew" "And i come back out, and, obviously, i've left andrew alone for too long, and he's" "Obviously, i've left andrew alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by" "Alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by himself." "Sort of panicking all by himself." "And i sort of walk in, like..." "Himself." "And i sort of walk in, like..." ""what's wrong?"" "And i sort of walk in, like..." ""what's wrong?" And he goes, "what if we've done" ""What's wrong?" And he goes, "what if we've done the wrong thing here?" "And he goes, "what if we've done the wrong thing here?" "What if he's in there dying" "The wrong thing here?" "What if he's in there dying right now?" "What if he's in there dying right now?" "What if he stopped fucking" "Right now?" "What if he stopped fucking breathing or " " What the fuck " "What if he stopped fucking breathing or " " What the fuck -- Or his heart stopped?" "Breathing or " " What the fuck -- Or his heart stopped?" "What the fuck are we meant to" "Or his heart stopped?" "What the fuck are we meant to do?"" "What the fuck are we meant to do?" I said, "uh, not a problem," "Do?" I said, "uh, not a problem, not a problem." "I said, "uh, not a problem, not a problem." "Um..." "Not a problem." "Um..." "i'll resuscitate him."" "Um..." "i'll resuscitate him." And he said, "do you know how to" "I'll resuscitate him." And he said, "do you know how to do that?"" "And he said, "do you know how to do that?" And i said, "no, i don't, but" "Do that?" And i said, "no, i don't, but how hard could it be?" "And i said, "no, i don't, but how hard could it be?" "Push, push, blow, blow."" "How hard could it be?" "Push, push, blow, blow." [ Chuckles ]" "Push, push, blow, blow." [ Chuckles ] i haven't embellished that in" "[ Chuckles ] i haven't embellished that in the slightest." "I haven't embellished that in the slightest." "That's the exact thing i said" "The slightest." "That's the exact thing i said to him -- "Push, push, blow," "That's the exact thing i said to him -- "Push, push, blow, blow."" "To him -- "Push, push, blow, blow." Then the prostitute walks back" "Blow." Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with dan." "Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with dan." "So, i'm standing with the 5 coke" "In the room, who was with dan." "So, i'm standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes." "So, i'm standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes." "She walks in the room." "Fiends, 10 prostitutes." "She walks in the room." "It's like that moment in a movie" "She walks in the room." "It's like that moment in a movie where the needle on the record" "It's like that moment in a movie where the needle on the record just sort of goes..." "Where the needle on the record just sort of goes..." "[ imitates record scratching ]" "Just sort of goes..." "[ imitates record scratching ] and everything stopped." "[ Imitates record scratching ] and everything stopped." "And she walked in, and she said," "And everything stopped." "And she walked in, and she said, "well...it's over."" "And she walked in, and she said, "well...it's over." And me and andrew, in unison," ""Well...it's over." And me and andrew, in unison, went..." "And me and andrew, in unison, went..." ""is he dead?"" "And her exact words were, "oh, i didn't check that." So, me, andrew, the 5 coke" ""Oh, i didn't check that." So, me, andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers " " We" "So, me, andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers " " We all run to the room." "Fiends, the 10 hookers " " We all run to the room." "No, he's not dead!" "All run to the room." "No, he's not dead!" "His chair's back in the upright" "No, he's not dead!" "His chair's back in the upright position." "His chair's back in the upright position." "His cock is still sitting up," "Position." "His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz" "His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz and spit." "Majestically, covered in jizz and spit." "But for a man who an hour ago" "And spit." "But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids, he" "But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this." "Couldn't lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this." "[ Applause ]" "Was sitting there like this." "[ Applause ] now, you might be wondering why" "[ Applause ] now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that." "Now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that." "Let me explain something." "His eyelids were up like that." "Let me explain something." "It wasn't through happiness." "Let me explain something." "It wasn't through happiness." "Tell you something about myself." "It wasn't through happiness." "Tell you something about myself." "I'm 33 years old." "Tell you something about myself." "I'm 33 years old." "I've been masturbating since i" "I'm 33 years old." "I've been masturbating since i was 10 years old." "I've been masturbating since i was 10 years old." "And in that time, i have not" "Was 10 years old." "And in that time, i have not missed a day." "And in that time, i have not missed a day." "Every single day, i masturbate." "Missed a day." "Every single day, i masturbate." "Haven't missed a fucking day." "Every single day, i masturbate." "Haven't missed a fucking day." "Every day, i'm in a hotel room" "Haven't missed a fucking day." "Every day, i'm in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my" "Every day, i'm in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my chest here, so i don't have to" "With a laptop way high up on my chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth i'm doing to" "Chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth i'm doing to myself." "Look at the filth i'm doing to myself." "So, i'm watching porn here." "Myself." "So, i'm watching porn here." "And 9 times out of 10, i hit the" "So, i'm watching porn here." "And 9 times out of 10, i hit the apple sign, right?" "And 9 times out of 10, i hit the apple sign, right?" "[ Applause ]" "Apple sign, right?" "[ Applause ] and i do this every single" "[ Applause ] and i do this every single fucking day." "And i do this every single fucking day." "Yet i would be mortified if any" "Fucking day." "Yet i would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me" "Yet i would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me doing this." "One of you was to ever see me doing this." "I would want to fucking kill" "Doing this." "I would want to fucking kill myself." "I would want to fucking kill myself." "And i do this every single" "Myself." "And i do this every single fucking day." "And i do this every single fucking day." "Now, imagine if you've never" "Fucking day." "Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of" "Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of yourself, you've never had" "Ejaculated through the power of yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're" "Yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first" "Another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first time you've shot a load of 32 years old, and for the first time you've shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the" "Time you've shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting" "Fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15" "Fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do" "There with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put" "Strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put your cock away." "Not possess the power to put your cock away." "Can you see how that might be a" "Your cock away." "Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging?" "Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging?" "So, we had to get him dressed" "Bit unhinging?" "So, we had to get him dressed quickly." "So, we had to get him dressed quickly." "But there's come everywhere." "Quickly." "But there's come everywhere." "And this time, i look him up and" "But there's come everywhere." "And this time, i look him up and down." "And this time, i look him up and down." "And i turned to andrew and said," "Down." "And i turned to andrew and said, "andrew, i don't give a fuck how" "And i turned to andrew and said, "andrew, i don't give a fuck how fragile he is." ""Andrew, i don't give a fuck how fragile he is." "I'm taking the top half this" "Fragile he is." "I'm taking the top half this time."" "I'm taking the top half this time." And we lifted him up..." "Time." And we lifted him up..." "and we put his pants on and we" "And we lifted him up..." "and we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel." "And we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel." "Now, as we left the brothel, i" "Proceeded to leave the brothel." "Now, as we left the brothel, i turned to dan." "Now, as we left the brothel, i turned to dan." "I said, "dan, i paid for a" "Turned to dan." "I said, "dan, i paid for a story." "I said, "dan, i paid for a story." "Please tell me what happened."" "Story." "Please tell me what happened." And he said, "well, she danced" "Please tell me what happened." And he said, "well, she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits in" "And he said, "well, she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off,"" "Around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do." "My face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do." "It's so nice to be a disabled" "Which is what i asked her to do." "It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer." "It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer." "But even nicer than that " "Sex puppeteer." "But even nicer than that -- I used to have a preconceived" "But even nicer than that -- I used to have a preconceived notion on what i thought about" "I used to have a preconceived notion on what i thought about people such as prostitutes, man," "Notion on what i thought about people such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong." "People such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong." "That woman treated him with" "But i was wrong." "That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him" "That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the" "Dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life." "Feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life." "And you can't put a price on" "Only time in his life." "And you can't put a price on that, all right?" "And you can't put a price on that, all right?" "Well, $180 is the " " The" "That, all right?" "Well, $180 is the " " The exact " " The exact figure." "Then we go out front, and we go to call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is" "To call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in" "Driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in his car." "Still sitting out the front in his car." "And he winds his window down and" "His car." "And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, "i'll drive" "And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, "i'll drive you home for free." "Looks out and goes, "i'll drive you home for free." "I just need to know what" "You home for free." "I just need to know what happened."" "I just need to know what happened." Thank you very much, ladies and" "Happened." Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "Good night." "Gentlemen." "Good night." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "[ Speaking indistinctly ]" "Hey!" "Hey!" "¶ she's an natural mover" "¶ she's an natural mover ¶ ah" "¶ ah ¶ does it like a hoover" "¶ does it like a hoover ¶ ah, yeah, yeah, yeah," "¶ ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶"