"( theme music playing )" "♪ need a new love?" "♪" "♪ hey, I'm ready ♪" "♪ want my time?" "♪" "♪ and I'm willing, yeah ♪" "♪ 'cause I'm the one ♪" "♪ who's gonna show ♪" "♪ when there's nobody ♪" "♪ I'll be your man ♪" "♪ yeah, I'm the one ♪" "♪ who's gonna show ♪" "♪ when there's nobody ♪" "♪ I'll be your man ♪" "♪ I'll be your man ♪" "♪ all right. ♪" "Lenore, come on, wake up." "( moans ) I don't think so, baby." "Come on, I gotta get to work." "You want me to call you a cab?" "Are you trying to get rid of me?" "'cause I'm not going anywhere till I get some coffee." " ( microwave beeps )" " I have a new client for you." " Ow!" " If you play it right," "She just might be the answer to our problem." " What problem?" " Ray, you haven't landed a regular." "This one might be a window to a whole new clientele." " Window, great." " Don't fuck it up, Ray." "Okay?" "We need to get you a steady client that you fuck," "But don't fuck up." "I agree." "I would love a steady, stable client too." " Your coffee." " Ugh!" "Oh my God, Ray, what the fuck is this shit?" " It's coffee." " Is this instant?" "Yeah, it wakes me up in the morning." "It's, you know, strong and cheap." "You're so classy, Ray." "All right, so listen, let's clear the air." "We had some good, hot sex," "But now we're back to our clearly defined whatever." "If we want to be regular, you know, fuck bunnies, that's okay too," "But I think that the important thing" " Is not to make this into something that it isn't." " Great." "Yeah." "I agree." "Let's not make it a regular thing, you know?" "It was just good old-fashioned fun fucking." "Exactly." "So who's gonna tell Tanya?" "About what?" "About this." "We can't keep secrets from each other." "It's not good for anyone." "We're not telling Tanya." "Why not?" "Because she'll feel left out?" "That's what happens when two people have sex, Ray." "Unless of course there are multiple partners involved." "Look, Lenore, it's a terrible idea." "I don't want to tell Tanya." "Fine, I'll keep my mouth shut." "But I think you're being a little dishonest." "I thought she was your friend." "I gotta call a cab." "Her name's Samara, Ray." "Don't fuck it up!" "Hey, Tanya, it's Ray." "I just wanted to call" "And say hi." "And good morning." "And I'm sorry about yesterday..." "Mike and Frances and you had to take the money back." "Let's talk." "Tanya:" "God, I wish you could have been there!" "I threw down 20 after 20 and I told her" "And her uptight fucking colleagues to shove it up their ass." "I mean, screw 'em, Charlie." "Am I right?" "What do they know?" " I don't know those people." " I know them, okay?" "I know them." "Right, Frank?" " Mm-hmm." " Elitist fucking shits." "Fuck!" "Oh God, Charlie." "What did I do?" "I spent everything." "And if Ray finds out, he's gonna kill me." "Hey, what I say is keep on collecting." "Charlie, Mike doesn't even know" "That he's a prostitute." "Ho always know it's a ho." "I don't know." "I just..." "I don't think I'm that kind of a person." "And what are you, huh?" "Are you some kind of new moral pimp?" "I'm not moral!" "I'm just saying that I have feelings." "I'm a pimp who feels." "Look at those shoes she got on." "They're..." "they're nice, right?" "Italian." "I slept with her sister and she got mad." "I felt bad she got mad so I bought her them heels." "And now we're friends again." "Charlie, it's just too simplistic." " It's too simplistic." " Really?" "Yes, I can't just buy Ray a gift." "It's doesn't... ugh!" "I just..." "I'm sorry." "I'm so wound up." "It's just I can't relax." "It's just..." "it's hot in here." "( stammers ) you wanna play pool?" " Let's play pool" " I think you should fuck me." "I..." "What?" "I'm just saying if you need to relax," "Then you can fuck me because I know how to calm them nerves." "Yes, I do." "So Ronnie kill beaver," "Now you okay to make baby?" "That's not why, mother." "How long you think to get pregnant?" "A few weeks?" "A few months?" "Where will baby sleep?" "( gasping ) oh damn it." "Mom, could you I don't go grab my purse?" "In garage." "I need my makeup." "( gasps ) why you lock door?" "You lock me out of household, eh?" "Hold on!" "Old people go to garage, get pneumonia and die!" "Would you hold on?" "House have four bedrooms:" "You, me, Damon, Darby." "When baby comes, where will baby go?" "To grandma room." "And grandma go to garage." "You'll get Damon's room" "And he'll go to the garage, okay?" "Now I'm asking you to please go get my purse and give me some privacy." "( groans )" "Gary sunshine, drew lindo..." "Oh man, Tony Barton!" "We've got to call Tony Barton." "( unison ) the nose knows." " How many old timers we got?" " Alumni, Ray." "It's an alumni game." "We ain't old timers yet." "Oh shit!" "Who's that, coach?" "Who's that handsome young man?" ""Ray Drecker, third base."" " You gonna play this year or what?" " No, Mike, I'm retired." "Come on!" ""today's a great day and I feel wonderful."" "I like seeing you like this, pal." " So you and Frances, huh?" " Yeah." "How is that going?" " I'm not the type to kiss and tell, Ray." " Okay, sorry." "It's going great, man!" "I'm seeing her again tomorrow." "She's got the whole weekend planned too." "Wow, that's... great." "I don't want to fuck this one up." "I haven't felt this good since my wedding day." "We know how that turned out." "Hey, you're not gonna fuck it up, pal." "Just keep doing what you're doing." " What am I doing?" " I don't know." "Whatever it is you do." " What do you do?" " I don't know." "It just is, you know?" "It's nice" " And simple." " Simple, ah." " ( school bell ringing ) - but what do you do?" "I don't know." "Whatever she wants." "( laughs )" "I hold the door open for her, I pull the chair out for her." "Candy and flowers, Ray." "I'm an old-fashioned guy." "( Ray narrating ) me asking Mike for advice about women..." "Hey, whatever it takes." "Hungry?" " Allow me." " Thank you, Richard." "What can I say?" "I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy." "Mmm, I love this kind of food." "Yeah?" "You like middle eastern food?" "Oh yeah." "You know, my neighbor" "Brings it over all the time." "It's good hummus." " Yeah?" "Where is your neighbor from?" " Um..." "Uh, Israel, I think." " You think?" " Yeah, I'm pretty sure." "She's from somewhere over there." "You do know Israel's not really the middle East, right?" "Oh yeah?" "Because you said middle eastern food." "Oh, um..." "I thought you said middle eastern food." "Forget it." "Let's eat." "Mmm." " Mmm." " Richard?" " Yeah?" " About the hummus..." "Hummus isn't from Israel." "I mean, yes, Israelis do have hummus, but they took it from us." "Oh, Samara, I never said I-I..." "I have no idea where hummus comes from." "And that is why I'm telling you." "Hummus is from Lebanon." " Or perhaps Syria or even Palestine." " Okay." "But not Israel." " That's my point." " Okay." "The word "hummus" means "chickpea" in Arabic, do you know that?" "No." "I do now." ""hi." "I was in the neighborhood"" "And, um, can we talk a moment?" "I just want to clarify." "L-let's clarify." "I'd like to clarify the terms of our arrangement..." "Um, who talks to who and what and wh..." ""( sobs ) when and how."" "Uh... "hi." "Let's talk."" ""hi, Frances."" " Can I help you?" " Uh, sorry." " Wrong house." " Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" "Aren't you a sub, West Lakefield high?" "Ho!" " ( honks )" " Mike:" "Hey!" "I can see it starting here on the inside of your arm as well." "Oh God." "You look familiar to me." "Do you play squash?" "Oh no, no squash." "I'm completely uncoordinated." "Hmmm." "I did just buy a new perfume." "Maybe that's..." "Did you put the perfume on these areas?" "No." "But I did start using a new detergent." "Maybe that could be the cause?" "It could be, but I doubt it." "What about stress?" "Any new stress in your life lately?" "Stress?" "No." "No, I'm not actually under any kind of stress." "My life is actually pretty stress-free." "Yeah." " My life, my marriage is..." " Didi fanning." "Do you know Didi?" "Huh-uh." "Okay." "Have you ever had a rash like this before?" "I..." "I did." " A few years back." " And did you see a dermatologist then?" "Yeah." " Do you remember the diagnosis?" " I don't." "I don't remember." " No, Hmm." " That's okay." "Do you remember the doctor?" "I don't remember his name." "I do remember that he prescribed an ointment that really helped." "I think it was called" "Protopic..." "Tacrolimus." "3%." "So it's a neuton, Ray." "It's green!" "You know, we can't spend our time on earth" "Just taking and taking." "We have to give something back." "You know, for the children." "It's a... it's a gift." "It's for you." "Thanks." "You sure you have the money for this thing?" "You're my friend." "But, Ray, um..." "I owe you an apology." "I know you don't want me to fail." "You were pissed and it's okay." "So you're not mad at me?" "No, I'm not mad." "Well, I'm not mad at you either." "Listen, from now on," "When we get a client," "I'm gonna keep her, okay?" "Whatever it takes." "Whatever it takes." "Okay." "And I'm sorry." "You know, you earned that Frances money" "And I blew it." "It won't happen again." "But, hey, look on the bright side..." "Mike's wild about Frances." "I mean, we might have done a good thing without even knowing it." "So..." "How about that, happiness consultant?" "That's super." "Can I use your bathroom?" "( panting ) oh God." "You are not a bad person." "You are not a bad person." "Not a bad person." "( groans )" "Ray, Ray, where did you get this?" " What?" " This sweater." "It's Lenore's lanvin sweater." "I guess she..." "Maybe she left it." "In your bathroom?" "Well, I mean, she..." "maybe she got hot." "Hey, Tanya," "She came over to tell me about a client." "It's no big deal." "It's no big deal." "It's a big deal to me, Ray." "It's a big fucking deal to me." "♪ c-c-c-come on ♪" "♪ oh yeah, rock the show... ♪" "( chatting )" "♪ rock 'n' roll... ♪" "So you changed your mind." "( chuckles )" "♪ here we go, come on, rock the show. ♪" "Tanya found your sweater, Lenore." "Oh God, I thought I'd lost it." "You're complicating my life in a way I don't need right now." "Last time I checked you didn't say no, Ray." "Well, I'm saying no now." "No!" "No more sex between you and me." "And you know what?" "I think it's time that she gets a commission." "I will rip his balls off and shove them up his ass." "Is that Tanya?" "I will murder every Koontz cunt whore" "Fuck whore in his whole fucking family." "Where is your alcohol, Ray?" "Do you have alcohol?" "Beer, something, anything." "Here." "Are you okay?" "No, Ray." "I am not okay." "My husband" "Fucks prostitutes and pays them on their PayPal account." "He is the lowest form of human life." "Oh God, wow." "I'm sorry to hear that." " You're sorry to hear that?" " Oh yeah." "My husband is a whorefucker, Ray!" "He has this at home, but he prefers dirty whores." "Why, Ray?" "Why would he do that?" "Well, I don't know, it's just..." "Boy, I'm..." "I don't know." " It's just sometimes..." " what?" "Mmm..." "Well, um mm yeah." "It's... it's not always..." " You know." " No, Ray, I don't know." "And do you know why I don't know?" "Because you haven't said anything!" " What is this?" " Uh..." "Oh it's, uh, hummus." "This is Arab hummus, Ray." "Arabs can't make hummus for shit." "You want hummus, you have me make it for you." "I thought hummus was from Lebanon." "What?" "I mean, you know." "H-hummus... it means chickpea in Arabic." "T?" "Oh my God, I can't believe I fucked such an idiot." "No, okay, I might not be the middle East expert," "But what are you getting so worked up for?" "I am sick and tired of Arabs" "Laying claim on what the fuck is not theirs!" "And if you're naive and uneducated enough to listen," "Then I have no time for you." "Fuck you!" "And fuck your Arab hummus!" "Who the fuck do you think you are?" "Fuck!" "I'm sorry if I was too loud." "What the hell you got to say sorry for?" "Well, sometimes I..." "I've been told I come too much." "( laughs ) can't a woman come too much." "Baby, that shit was beautiful." "Well, thank you." "I fucked a pimp." "( laughs )" "A pimp fucked a pimp." "Yeah, we're both pimps." "We're two pimps fucking like pimps." " You like that, don't you?" " What?" "Fucking me 'cause I'm a pimp." "I see it's got you all excited." " ( giggles )" " I'm like a checkmark" "On your bucket list on your little cultural tourism expedition." " That's not what this is about." " Hey, we're all cultural tourists." "And I just fucked an artsy white lady." "Check." " I'm not a cultural tourist." " I'm teasing you." " Come here." " But I'm serious." "Come here." "I mean you..." "you have..." "( sighs )" " What?" " You've made a big difference in my life." " Hmmm." " And just right now" "I'm getting fucked from all sides." "Even Frances." "I went to her house" "And Mike was there and it was a weekday" "And she didn't pay me." "She paid me for the weekend." "People don't respect you because you half-ass things." "I don't." "I don't half-ass things." "I go all out all the time." "I tell you to take action and you steal some bitch's dog." "You know what I would do with this Frances?" "Here." "I would go up to her rich-ass door." "I'd knock very politely." "And if your ho answers, I'd crack him on the nose," "Kick him in the balls, burn his cheekbone with my cigarillo." "And if the blue hair answers" "I'd hit her with my belt..." "Just a little, nothing serious," "But hard enough that she don't ever pull this kind of shit again." "I can't hit Frances with a belt." "No, I'm saying that's what I would do." "You gotta find what's right for you." "Lenore:" "Oh, I'm so glad you made it." "Are you sure it's okay I'm here?" "Of course!" "We love new faces." "I'm not going to speak." "I didn't finish the book." "Nobody cares, Jess." "Just nod and say "it's lyrical."" "Okay?" " Frances!" " Hello." " Wasn't the book amazing?" " Honestly I didn't care for it." "Right." "The apocalypse." "Anyway the last time we spoke," "I knew you had some reservations and I just wanted to check back in." " About God in the desert." " Oh." "But I'm dealing with your former intern now." " She said I had to choose." " Excuse me?" "She's made arrangements." "To tell you the truth, I'm quite content." " Do you mean Tanya?" " Tanya, yes." "Woman:" "Okay, ladies, we can take a seat." "We'll get started." "Well, let's begin the way we always do." "Cormac McCarthy's "the road," what do we think?" "It was just so bleak." "I mean, I couldn't even get through it." "I found the cannibalism so unappealing." "The cannibalism was very unappealing." "You want to know what I think?" "I think if there was an apocalypse" "And that guy and his kid crossed my path and I was hungry," "I would hunt them down and I would rip them limb from limb" "And I would salute them with some kale in a light white wine sauce." "And then I would take the kid's skull" "And I would wear it" "So that everybody would think twice before they crossed me." "Then I would take the dad's bones and I would" "Design an accessory line that I would sell from a bombed-out Macy's" "Because that's what's going to happen to people who try to take what's mine." "When the apocalypse comes I'll be fine." " ( exhales ) - what about all of you?" "Tell me about your friend." " What friend?" " Your neighbor." " You want to talk about her?" " I do." "Uh, but right now" " I'm with you." " Are you close with her?" "Um, close?" "No no, she's..." "She's my neighbor." "She's married." "Just a married Israeli who brings over her hummus?" "Um..." " Just a couple of times." " What else does she bring you?" "Samara, what does it really matter?" "We're having a good time here." "What does it matter?" "Do you watch the news?" "What does the news have to do with us?" "You can't fuck her and fuck me and then play neutral, Richard." "That's not how it works." "You can't pull that shit." "I..." "I'm not pulling anything." "Then choose a side." "You fucked me and pretended to like me." "Now you've got to take a stand." "Whose side are you on, Richard?" "Whose hummus is better?" " Wow, Samara." " Whose hummus do you like" "The most?" "( Spanish dialogue on TV )" "( Ray narrating ) whose side are you on?" "What kind of question was that?" "( man crying )" "Howard?" "Mr. Koontz." "You all right?" " Oh, hey." " Koontz, you want a beer?" "My wife thinks I fuck prostitutes, Ray." "( exhales ) well..." "Do ya?" "I'm a loser." " Don't say that." " I know it." "My wife knows it." "They know it." "Huh." "But these girls," "They're pros, Ray." "They say all the right things." "I mean," "They're hookers," "But also they're..." " They are what they are." " Right." "( sniffles )" "So am I." "They ask me every time" "Do I work out at the gym?" "( chuckles ) I mean, it's pretty neat, Ray." "Do I play professional football because I'm so athletic?" "I mean, come on." "It's pretty neat." "They say I'm big and I'm strong and I'm handsome." "I'm the greatest lover they ever had... they tell me that, Ray." "I'm the best lover they ever had." "Well, that's gotta be pretty neat too." "They're lying, Ray." "I know they're lying, but I don't care." "They make me feel good." "I like my wife better than the hookers, Ray, I do." "But I like myself when I'm with them." "( piano playing )" "You're very pretty." "Thank you." " You have the prettiest smile I ever saw." " Prettiest ever?" "And..." "You're beautiful." " And smart." " ( laughing )" "We even met in a library, right?" "You're very sweet, Richard." "It's the truth." "I have a fiance." "I'm supposed to get married." "He's..." "A very lucky man." "You know, my fiance," "He doesn't know." "He thinks I like..." "You know." "Liz," "I'm on your side." "Okay?" "I'm on your side." "( piano continues playing )" "( music playing ) ♪ if you were the only ♪" "♪ girl in the world ♪" "♪ and I was the only boy ♪" "♪ nothing else would matter in the world ♪" "♪ today ♪" "♪ oh, we'd go on loving ♪" "♪ in the same old way ♪" "♪ a garden of eden ♪" "♪ just made for two ♪" "♪ oh, nothing to mar our joy ♪" "♪ now I would say ♪" "♪ such wonderful things to you ♪" "♪ baby, there would be ♪" "♪ such wonderful things to do ♪" "♪ if you were the only girl ♪" "♪ in the world ♪" "♪ oh, baby, and I was the only boy. ♪"