"All events in this film are pure fantasy and are nothing more than a caricature of actions and institutions thankfully very distant from our own state of affairs" "Paris, one morning..." "Boarding house Maximum propriety Luxury treatment" "Lulu, I'm sorry you don't understand." "Listen, I'm telling you for the last time." "Among people who respect themselves and value themselves too many words are not needed." "It's enough to say things with good manners." "Good morning, Professor." "Understand?" "If you don't understand, tell me." "And I'll repeat it." "Mimi, Fifi, I'm here." "Where are you?" "Where's Giovannino?" "Not now." "Later, later." "Gently, now eat." "This is for Giovannina." "This is for Carlotta." "This is for you." "Where is Mimi?" "And Lulu?" "Aren't you ashamed?" "Where are you hiding?" "Help!" "Help!" "What's this?" "What's happening?" "Come on, hurry!" "This is a disgrace." "This month I won't pay the rent." " For a change." "You never pay." " Here they're all crazy?" "It's always the same." "Lulu, where are you?" "Where are you, Lulu?" "Where are you, Lulu?" "What d'you do, Lulu?" "In Paris, you're with" "Celestino?" "No, Celestino can't be in Paris." "Who can be in Paris?" "It could be Gigi." "Thank you." "Where are you, Lulu?" "What d'you do, Lulu?" "In Paris, you're with Pippo" "Or Gigi?" "Fine." "Repeat." "Can't do a minute's work." "Ciao, Christopher." "I'm coming." "But look." "I forgot Romeo and Juliet." "Also for you, a little milk." "Be good." "I'll take my case..." "Coming." " Mr. Duval." " Good morning." " Finally." "What is it?" "What have we this morning?" "Tsunami?" "Earthquake?" "Scarlet fever?" "Know what she found in bed just now?" " What did you find?" "I'm interested." " I found a mouse." "Better a cat." "A cat a day keeps the doctor away." "Don't be so funny." "You know what I mean." "A black and white mouse." "With little squares?" "No, striped red and blue." "Strange, striped red and blue." "Just like my uncle's tie." "I'm sorry, it's late." "It's almost Friday, I must go." "No, don't go." "And don't play dumb." "You know very well, a mouse, black and white." "Black and white." "With a moustache?" "And his eyes?" " What d'you want them to be?" "Red." " You can see she cried." "For the last time..." "Clear the house of all your animals or I'll call the cops." "This time, the cops, I'll call them." "In this house it's got to stop!" "Nothing works." "For example, the elevator." "Doesn't work." "But there isn't one." "Exactly, it doesn't work." "I'm good and nice, but demand proper form." "The duty of woman is to respect man" " who keeps and protects her." " Good morning." " Good morning." " Good morning." "Any mail for me?" "As always." "Four pink and two blue this morning." "Scented?" ""Verbena", "Violetta di Parma" "One night of love"," "Onion." " Onion?" " Onion." " With the tears?" " Yes." "Onion." "Send them up later." " Good morning, pretty girl." " Good morning, Mr. Cipriano." "Hello, pretty girl." " Good morning, Mr. Cipriano." " Good morning, pretty girl." " Good morning, Mr. Cipriano." " Good morning, pretty girl." "Hello pretty..." "I mean, how are you?" " Giorgetta, how are you?" " Well, thank you." " There's mail for me this morning?" " No." " Strange." "I write to so many women." "English, Chinese, French." "Hands." "Maria, yesterday I had a disappointment from an ottoman." "Even a Turk?" "No, it was an upholsterer who sent me his bill." "Funny!" "Your love letters don't interest me." "Try to be quick, you know by this time they're waiting." "I'm ready." "Done?" " Cipriano, what are you doing?" " Giorgetta." "The doctor's looking for you." "Watch out, he's furious." "He's furious." "He's always like that." "Then he calms down." "Not for nothing are we foster brothers." " Foster brothers?" " Yes, that's why he fosters a dislike for me." "Cipriano." "Talking to me?" "Cipriano?" "Talking to me?" "No one else, You're a complete shambles." "Come on." "What are you doing, you idiot?" "Didn't you say you'd give me a shampoo?" "I'll give you a shampoo alright!" "Come." "No my dear chap, this cannot continue." "Everyone helps you." "No one helps me." "You come when you want." "I research for years, but I can't produce a thing because some scoundrel steals all the animals I need for my experiments." "As if that's not enough you become more stupid every day." "If you won't respect me as a foster brother at least have respect for my white hair." "White Hair?" "But where?" "One here, one there." "You know what?" "Change the system." "Otherwise we will meet again, in Marseilles." "In Marseilles?" "You mean in Philippi." "Yes, I know, but I don't have a passport." "You have a gift for exasperating me." "Instead of running after all those women..." "I don't run after all those women." "I go slowly because I have pulpitations." "Heart palpitations?" "So I don't run after women." " I am looking for a muse." " A muse?" "What muse?" "Euterpe." "The music of Muse." "The muse of music." "She who inspired Verdi, Beethoven, Rossini." "Look, I've warned you." "And above all don't run after certain nurses." "If I discover the rascal who's stealing all my animals I'll cut off his head." "Where'd you put it?" "Go to work, you moron." " You turn me into a half-wit." " An improvement!" "Working, always working." " They gave me these letters for you." " Ah, love letters." "Women, women." "Think they'll be love letters?" "Are you sorry I receive letters from women?" "Who cares." "They're real women, powder, love, sensuality." "I've the telephone number of all the women in Paris." "All your lovers?" "No, the phone book." "Work, work." "In this clinic no one does anything." "Work, work." "Always work." "I have to put the kids in the bath after putting the milk in the kids..." "In the bath..." " You always forget something." " Oh, onion." "I've worked enough, I have to go." "I have an appointment at ten with my publisher." "On whom all my happiness depends." "And perhaps that of the girl I love." " Ah, yes?" " Don't insist." "Don't ask me to name her." "But I can put you on the right track." "Starts with George" "And ends with etta" "Send the solution to mailbox 198." "First prize, elegant cutlery set for twelve people." "Hi, Is it ten yet?" " Half past." " Thank you, sir." " You're very kind." " Thanks." " Really nice." " Twenty to." " What?" "Rarely find people so kind." "Ten to." "Thank you again." "Five to, four, three, two, one..." "The bell rings for ten o'clock." "What?" "I have an appointment with the publisher for ten." "One moment." "Sit there... and wait." " Musician?" " Yes" "Me too." "Gentlemen." "The appointment was for ten o'clock." "It's past one." "The publisher now is having lunch." "Sit and wait." "Hurry, tea for the gentleman." "Okay, now." "Just a few minutes more." "He must drink his tea." "It's already five o'clock." "The appointment..." "Does the long wait bother you?" "But one fine day I'll see this bean pole." " No, no eating in here." " I'm sorry." "It's already half past eight." "How time flies." "But now it's a matter of seconds." "Here he is." "Good evening." "Dear friend, how are you?" "But have patience." "Is this the time to talk business?" "The appointment was for ten o'clock." "But it's eight thirty." "You've still an hour." "And then you'll be able to go eat." " Have you eaten?" " No." "See?" "Me neither." "Young man, do something." "Have your dinner and come back tomorrow morning." "Goodbye." "Are you staying here?" "Yes, as always." "Goodnight." " Fifty-nine and seventy-five." " Here." "Good evening, have you authentic caviare?" " Yes, Sir." " But Volga, Volga?" "Steppe, steppe?" "I see." "Our caviare is of the purest quality." "How much per 100 kg?" "It's 780 francs per kilo, we don't sell 100kgs worth." "What times!" " You have goose liver pate?" " Yes, sir." " And smoked salmon?" " Yes, sir." " And white truffles?" " Yes" " Wurzel?" " Yes" "Then give me half pound of auto-cheese." "Auto-cheese?" "Yes, cheese which walks by itself." " Ah." " What Ah?" "A fine grocer." "I like cheese that walks by itself." " Seventy cents." " Wait a minute." " Checkout." "Are you sure that walks by itself?" "You bet." "It'll be three months since it learned to take its first steps." "Then, homewards!" "No, I'd better take it with me." "Goodbye, grocer." "One more word and I'm done." " Are you done?" " Yes" "You!" "Come here." "Take this." "Now it's my turn." "What's the matter?" "Won't you at least consider my opinion?" "There you are." "Today a gentleman came looking for you." "Did he find me?" "If he found you you wouldn't be so pleased." "A gentleman?" "Who was that?" "A Dr. Richard." "He's not a gentleman." "He's a friend of mine." "He was furious." "Been waiting all day at the institute." "Business." "Sorry, take this." "It was given me by a distinguished lady." "I'll pick it up later." "Goodnight." "Be good." "Dear, I had to work." "It's not my fault." "No, I've not been to the theatre." "Business, business." "Be good, go to bed." "Oh, yes." "a drop of the dark stuff or you won't get off to sleep, I know." "You sleep, tomorrow I'll wake you with some ink remover." "Good." "Oh, no!" "That's not your place." "Off to sleep." "All four, be good." "Lulu." "Finally, you're back." "I was worried about you." "The sun goes down, setting, setting." "With little head under wing" "Every bird that flew" "Sing a lullaby, oh" "Closed is the home" "And closed the barn" "Night is falling" "Flickers the flame" "Mr. Cipriano." "Mr. Cipriano." "Mr. Cipriano." "Who is it?" "Open up." "I can't, I'm naked." "What nonsense." "I can see through the keyhole, you're dressed." "But underneath I'm naked." "Open up!" "Or I'll call the cops." "You're always thinking of cops." "Aren't you ashamed, at your age?" "Do you know what's in here?" "What is it?" "The result of your conduct." " Bananas?" " Don't play dumb." "The fruits of your debauchery." "Apple rennet?" "No, the fruits of sin." "Prickly pear." "This is your child." "And you wanted to leave it with me." "But I'll call the cops." "Not bad." "Good evening, miss." "Going home?" "Yes, I've finished my shift." " May I accompany you?" " No, thank you." "I'm so sorry?" "Only for a while." "Please don't insist." "Cipriano?" "Has he showed up?" " I really..." " No?" "I'm happy." " When he arrives tomorrow, I'll fire him." " Doctor, don't be like that." "You're too strict with me and too soft with that Don Juan gigolo." "You know, living in that bad neighbourhood." "Alcohol, bars, women of easy virtue." "Who knows what he's doing right now." "Bravo." "You're really clever." "Good idea." "The sun goes down, setting, setting" "With little head under wing" "Every bird that flew" "Sing a lullaby, oh" "Closed is the home" "And closed the barn" "Night is falling" "Flickers the flame" " No mail for you today." " I know, yesterday I'd no time." "Go to the doctor immediately." "Why, am I sick?" "I'm not sick." "Ah, I know." "Hurry, the doctor's looking for you." "For me?" "He's always looking for me." "Look." "Giorgetta, come and look." "Still here?" "The doctor's waiting." "Let him wait." "Do you like this new baby?" " Where did you get it?" " Babies aren't got, they're made." "Women who love me make them, then send them to me." "In the morning, I'll ask the concierge" " "Any children-mail for me"?" " And is this child yours?" " Isn't it like me?" " Don't think so." "Don't you see?" "He has white socks." " Well?" " Me too." "What's his name?" "Napoleon." "Napoleon?" "Rather big name for such a little child?" "With children it's better to be generous." "They grow, and before you know it, everything's too tight." "Hello, Napoleon." "I'm off to the doctor." "What's his name?" "How cute." "Next." "Ah, it's you." "Come in." "What do you want?" "Listen, you have to leave." "I thought you called." "No!" "You mustn't leave because I told you to." "You must leave because you must leave." "Understand?" "Ah, no." "No?" "You're fired." "There, you see?" "When one explains..." " Getting rid of me?" " Yeah." " No reason?" "Good reason." "Yesterday I was at your place." "Now I know who's stealing my animals." " Who is it?" " It's you." "I know where you live." "About a certain Lulu." "No..." "For all that, you have the cheek to court one of my nurses." "Not only are you a thief, but also a womaniser." "That's why you're fired." "Okay, I'll go, alone and abandoned in this huge metropolis." "Penniless." "But I won't despair." "I won't make a scene." "I'm not a scenarist." "I'm leaving with a smile on my lips." "Just like that." "Come on, you mustn't take it like that, chin up." "Just today I had a baby." "Napoleon." "A golden handshake for me?" "A bonus for me?" " Not even half a franc?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " Unless..." " Unless?" "Unless..." "Come on, let the cat out of the bag." "I have an idea." "Come." "What do you think, like him?" "Rather, I think not." " The profile?" " Neither." "I have no dislike for you." "I have to fire you." "But I'd be glad to help you." "I'll just give you these two injections." "And you earn a thousand francs." "Sure it won't make me ill?" "Course not." "Don't be afraid." "I knew someone who was given some injections, the next day he died with his whole family." "That's right." "They ate poisoned mushrooms." "Then they went out in the car because they felt..." "Down to the river." "and they all drowned." "What a wretched family!" "No, serious people." "they never did things by halves." " What's that?" " Don't be afraid." "It's a new type of horse serum." "Now don't worry." "In five minutes we'll give you the second and all will be well." " What is it?" " The second." "Perhaps a little smaller?" "No, dear, this is the dose you need." " What about instalments?" " No, all at once." "It's necessary like that." "Stay calm, don't panic." "Trust me." " If it was dangerous..." " I won't do it." " Don't be a sissy." " I won't." "Don't be silly." "Don't do anything stupid." "Come here." "What nonsense!" "Where are you going now?" "Cipriano!" "Porter!" "Porter!" "Hurry, close all the doors." "Let no one get out." "For any reason." "Stop!" "We must give him the second injection in three minutes." " Who?" " Cipriano." "If you find him, give it immediately." "Hurry!" "Only two minutes left." " Did you see him?" " He went that way." " Did you find him?" " Not yet." " Hurry!" "For heaven's sake." "Luckily I've not been found yet." "Hurry!" "Hurry!" "The injection!" "Given it?" "Hurry, we need to give it him." "Did you find him?" "Here he is, it's him!" "Grab him!" "Give him the injection." "Doctor!" "There he is." "Do it." " Doctor." " It's done." "Good, good." "Ah!" "Shut up, fool!" "Hey, it wasn't me!" "Got your cards?" " Sure." " Would you let me see them?" "But these are Neapolitan cards." "Can't play with a French deck." "Do I look like an idiot?" "In the dark it's difficult to see." "Cut that out, documents, identity cards." "Those I don't have." " And you?" " Me neither." "Then you must come with me." "Unless you know someone who can vouch for you." "Well then, he's known by me." "Okay, but who knows you?" "I know him." " In that case, sorry." "Good evening." " Good evening." " A game?" " No, thank you." " A cigar?" " No." "Why are you so sad?" "What's wrong?" "I want to die." "What'll I do with life?" "I'd be killed already, but I can't be because I'm immortal." "Immortal?" "Ever read those signs that say" "Anyone who touches the wires dies?" "I won't touch them." "What I regret is that it was a female horse." "Don't think, do." "Want some advice?" "Do as I did." "Take comfort in work." "A short time ago I opened a tobacco shop." "And I'm very happy with what I have done." "Many people come?" "I don't know." "I opened it at night and found no one inside." " A cigar?" " No, no." "You deal in exports?" "No, this was overtime." "I usually work in exchange." "Stock exchange?" "Stocks, shares?" "No, exchange of coats." "I enter a room, I leave mine and take another." "Something is always there." "But today it went wrong." "I chanced upon the coat of a cop." " Cop?" " A policeman." "Let's not think about it any more." "You're broke?" "I have only these thousand francs." "Thousand francs?" "A thousand francs and so glum?" " Today I went out with this." " Come on, come with me." "With a 1,000 francs we can buy Paris." " Paris?" " Yes, all of Paris." "Okay, but you carry the parcels." "Bon voyage." " Not many tonight?" " I'm not the hat-check." "I'm the owner of the premises." "No, I was wondering if there were few people." "Don't bother?" "Imagine that!" "Excuse him, he's a bit deaf." "The place is full, you'll have a great time." "Why so few coats?" "What d'you expect?" "The time of year." "Have to change jobs." "No, not there." "With all the coats with velvet collars you'll never find it." "Put it near the other." "Please." "No." "Gentlemen" "My love is you." "Love me more." "Hold me more." "What's she saying?" "I don't understand." "What's she saying?" "In her heart is a place where love doesn't dwell." "And now?" "When it's evening time her thoughts fly off to the mine." " Good girl." " Champagne, whiskey, liqueurs?" "For who did you get them?" "No, I'll have what he's got." "Fine." " But..." " Shut up!" "Fun?" "Yes, beautiful environment." "Picturesque." "But now what does she say?" "What does she say?" "At this moment:" "The mother of the bandit has killed the gunman." "However, since a star shines in the sky," " the gunman kills..." " Waiter!" "Allow me." "Kills who?" "Hey, kills who?" "I think her sister, sir." "Beautiful voice." "Also a beautiful woman." "Could you have her come to our table?" "I don't give a damn!" "Really." "He's deaf." "Waiter, another bottle." " Like the first?" " Identical." "Stop with that long face." "Oh finally, you've cheered up." "I was thinking of a story I heard five years ago." "Tell me." "Pity I can't remember it?" "Want to see if I can get the singer to our table?" "Miss, would you favour us?" " Yes." " Did you see?" " Please, miss." " You are very nice." " You too." " Will you offer me something?" " Whatever you want." " Why do you speak so softly?" " You speak softly." "But I'm hoarse." "Don't mention horses." "Don't I know your mother?" "My mother died before I was born." "Then how were you born?" "Dying, she left the job to my aunt." "Bravo!" "Few words but expressed very clearly." "And how is your mother?" " You know Russian?" " During the day, no, but in the evening, yes." "Why?" "I studied at night school." " To you, young lady." " No!" "No!" "Gallant." " Know dancing?" " Like a fish." " But fish can't dance." " Me neither." "Come on, I'll teach you." "I hope I won't make you look bad." "Hold me tight." "And then swing me wildly." "Yes." "Easier said than done." "Ouch!" "Scoundrel!" "Vile!" "Slapping a woman." "He's crazy!" "An almighty kick." " How was it?" " Like that." "Shame!" "Picking on a feeble, old man." "Old stinker?" " Who?" " Wait a minute." "Come in." "There is always so much life in this place?" "No, this is a rather quiet evening." "Come in." "Coward!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "She's fainted, take her." "And the name of this song?" "It's called' 'I'll wait for you tomorrow at four-thirty under the station clock, if it doesn't rain."" "How nice!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Come in." "Scoundrel!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "You know, you have a good voice?" "If one day things go as I say" "I'll give you a job in my show." "Know what?" "What?" "Stage-hand." "Come on." "What is it?" "Just, come on." "Now I have to leave you." "See you tomorrow." "Today is already tomorrow." "Then we've already seen." "Wait." "Be good." "Goodbye." "What have you got there?" "This should be alright." "Try it on." "Is that okay?" "It's a bit tight." "Wait let me get this one." "Try this." "Is that okay?" "A bit tight." "You're putting on weight!" "Try this." "Look how beautiful it is, okay?" "Even tighter." "Damn, you're a rhinoceros." "Here, try this one." "It belongs to the cop." "Is this okay?" "This one's fine." "Don't catch cold?" "I like this one." "There's a gun inside." "Keep it." "At night there are dishonest people around." "You never know." "But if I meet someone I won't take it out." " Why not?" " They might steal it?" "We had fun, huh?" "But it's dead here." "There's not much life." "Yes, but we didn't spend anything." "That's true." "You're very nice." "Keep your thousand francs." "No, no." "You sacrificed yourself for me." "Keep them." " Nothing doing." " I don't want them." " Tell you what we'll do..." " Let's split it." " Let's do it." " What?" "Half each." "Half each?" "What time is it?" "I don't have a watch." "Me neither." "I have a job at four, and don't want to be late." "What'll we do?" "Come here." "Knock loudly on this door." "Yes, yes." "Knock, knock!" "Shame on you!" "Is this is the way to disturb the neighbours at three thirty in the morning?" "Three thirty?" "It's almost four." "Hopeless." "It's so hard to find" " two clocks that agree." " Well then?" "Three thirty, almost four..." "It's a quarter to four." " Thank you very much." " Good night." "Rascals!" "Scoundrels!" "Bye." "All the best." "I have to go." "Will I see you again?" "I hope so." " Enjoy your work." " Infinite thanks." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." "Lady." "A body!" "Help!" "Help!" "Atrocious crime last night." "Killer arrested near body." "The sinister face of the murderer" "You can't trust some people." "Did he confess?" "There's nothing to confess." "He was found there, with revolver in hand, by the corpse." "Young man, you mustn't believe I have it in for you." "To each his own craft." "You do the murder and I'm the Commissioner." "If it weren't for you murderers we'd be out of a job." "So I feel for you an immense sympathy." " Do you want a cigarette?" " No, thank you." "You prefer a good cigar?" "Like this." "I know them." "We smoked a lot the other night in the night club." "Cigars stolen from the tobacco shop, 102 Rue Chateau." "The accused confessed to recognizing them." "Write." "Fine." "If you respond well to my question..." "Will I pass?" "No, I'll give you a nice cup of coffee." "Let's talk about the victim." "I don't know her." "Fine." "He didn't know her." "You therefore admit no relationship with that woman?" "No, Mr. Commissioner." "I only had a child from her." "Male or female?" "Male." "The murderer confesses." "If you want something, just ask." "A little refreshment?" "Two beaten eggs with a little cognac?" "A chicken breast with truffles?" "Where did you eat last night?" "I don't want chicken breasts nor eggs with cognac." "I just wish he'd clear off, this gentleman." "He annoys me." "I'm having heart pulpitations." "Cut it out." " Where did you eat last night?" " I didn't eat." "When did you last eat?" "Eight years ago." "Who were you with last night?" "Alone." "How much money?" "Not even a penny." "Do you know this man?" "No." "Then explain this on you and on our old friend we found these two half notes?" "Where did you steal them?" "I've not stolen them." "They gave them me because I went..." "The new serum of the horse dragoons." "My foster brother fired me." "But he told me if I had two injections he'd give me a thousand francs." "I accepted." "And so he..." "And then..." "Take him away." "Then, please be kind enough to explain why there's a shot missing from your gun." " That revolver's not mine." " No?" " No." "And where did you find it?" "In the coat together with the handcuffs." "Fine." "In the coat." "Yeah, because you had on four coats." "But..." "But this is my gun!" "Wait, let me see." "But this is the coat that was stolen yesterday." "Ah, yes?" "Look, that you're a murder doesn't interest me." "Whether you have robbed and killed women, I don't care." "But the coat of an official must be respected." "And hear what I tell you." "Do you know where you'll be in two months?" "In two months?" "July and August, the sea." " No." " In the mountains?" "On the guillotine." "No." "I can't agree." "I have heart pulpitations, me." "And the doctor has forbidden strong emotions." "Ah, you fear emotion?" "Who is your doctor?" "Which restaurant do you eat in?" "Where were you last night?" "Why have you stolen my coat?" "Where do you live?" "Why did you come to Paris?" "Who started the fight in the nightclub?" "Where did you steal that thousand franc note?" "How old are you?" "Are you vaccinated?" "No, believe me." "Economies are fine in all things except in the choice of lawyer." "If one buys a fake picture rather than an authentic one, never mind." "If you buy an imitation instead of a Persian carpet, it doesn't hurt anyone." "But a lawyer, no!" "A lawyer, one needs the best." "Yes, that's right, I agree with you." "But 20,000 francs..." "I have the impression you've not understood what I said." "For 20,000 francs I assure you the best acquittal." "One with applause and the triumph of the accused." "If you settle for a simple acquittal it costs less." "You fork out 15,000 francs." "If you wish acquittal due to lack of evidence..." "We can do it for... 10,000." "Do you agree?" "Always excluding the death penalty," "Let's say, six or seven years in prison, what would that cost?" "Doctor, Cipriano is innocent." "He must leave head high from this sad adventure." "Innocent!" "The lesson would do him good." "You're a bad one, but no matter." "If you won't advance this money, I know I can get it." "Lawyer, a triumphal acquittal." "Cipriano Duval." " Who is it?" " They want you." "No, the phone later." "I'm not in to anyone." "The prisoner's desire, in his cell." "What's the prisoner's desire?" "That's easy." "Freedom." "Freedom?" "One, two..." "No." "Fish soup." "Fish soup?" " Today is Friday?" " Yes" " Vegetable soup I don't like." "Fish soup." "Hurry, your lawyer awaits you." "Waiting?" "And me here." "I beg you, let's hurry." "First of all we must think of the advertising." "Here you are." "Quickly." " Lawyer..." " Later, tell me later." "Let's start with the murder." " Here." " What?" "Don't waste my time." "Make the expression as when you killed your lover." " But I..." " Quick, the killer's face." "Damn it!" "I haven't killed anyone!" "Fine." "Just the expression of a murderer." "The title is "Love and madness"." "Now, young man, sincerity and brevity." "Why did you kill your lover?" "I haven't killed anyone." " Wrong, wrong." " Why?" " Are you trying to cheat me like I cheat the others?" " Young man, don't steal my job." " But I am innocent." "This is the ruin of so many children from good families." "I am innocent, I am innocent." "And then they go to the guillotine." "Guillotine, I..." "You are guilty." "I'll see to it." "Crime of passion, failed artist..." "A drop of alcohol, a degenerate relative." "I'll see to it." "All you must do is say:" "I am guilty" "I won't say it." "Dear Doctor." "Finally." "Here's the murderer." "What do you think?" "Not bad, I thought worse." "Inferior regressive type." "Abnormal skull, pendulous lips." "Fine, fine." "Facial prognathism, looks stupid, excellent." "He's a typical example of the degenerate criminal." "A born imbecile." "You can talk!" "Calm down, look who I've brought." "Giorgetta, why are you here?" "I wonder what you'll think of me." "I know you're innocent." "Then you love me?" "And love me even if I'm condemned to life imprisonment?" "Of course." "Even if I become a number?" "For example, 3725?" "Even if I become 3725." "Even 450?" "Of course." "Even 136?" "Thanks, I see that your love is selfless." "You don't mind numbers." "Give me a kiss?" "Give me the lipstick, I'll do it myself." "Stop it, you two, stop joking." "Or there'll be big trouble." "Soon begin the holidays." "The ladies all go away." "Ours is a crime of passion." "And for ultimate success, the court should be full of women." "Stuffed full of women." "Patience, we'll put it back till September." "You'll do a few more months, but you'll see we'll have a good audience." "CRIME OF THE RUE ST BOEUF with the presence of the author" "LAST SITTING" "Don't shove, women and children first." "It's useless to push." "The seats are numbered." "Don't worry, luckily we've finally got here." "And what matters is the atmosphere I've been able to create." "Look up there." "All the ladies wearing hats like Cipriano Duval." "I'm terribly afraid." "Don't worry." "He'll be acquitted." "Acquitted?" "I don't know." "Perhaps a couple of years..." "Stop it!" "Don't you see how nervous I am?" "Why so excited?" "With those jurors there?" "Then there's another element in our favour." "The President..." " Many people?" " Full up." " What about my wife?" " No, not in the court." "How strange!" "Every time my wife knows that I'm stuck here, she disappears." "Who's this!" " Cipriano, I'm glad to see you." " Me too." "Allow me?" "My friend Vetriolo." "Brigadier Tremola." " And the guard Casciavì." " Pleasure." "My friend Cipriano Duval." "The elite guards Cassi and Amino." "How are you?" "So it's today?" "Yeah." "Tonight we'll know." "Let's hope so." "What?" "You can be certain." "Your lawyer is fantastic." "Ah, yes?" "And you how are you?" "So-so." "I've a young lawyer." "Imagine, it's his first trial." "Scared stiff, poor guy." "I'll help him, as much as I can." "With the practice I've have." "This is my silver trial." "Silver?" "Yes, my 25th contact with the justice system." " All the best." " Thank you." "I'm his publisher." "The show will be staged in a month." "It'll be the event of the season." "Think he'll be acquitted?" "Me, I can't lose." "Acquitted, would be fine." "Guillotined, even better." "Such enormous publicity." "No, I need him to live." "I like that he killed." "That man shall be mine." "Candy, ice cream." "Candy, ice cream." "Ice cream." "The Court." "Quiet, please." "Bring in the defendant." "Remember it is forbidden to offer food to the defendant through the bars of the cage." "And to poke him with umbrellas and sticks." "Another warning." "After the verdict, don't do as happened last time." "Let's be quite clear." "Under the guise of taking away a souvenir you threw yourselves on the accused, took a piece here, a piece there." "He was left completely naked." "These are things you just shouldn't do." "I've told them, but it'll make no difference." "I ask to speak." "You always have something to say." "Come on, what now?" "I ask that the trial, at least for the verdict take place behind closed doors." "You've not understood." "I said doors, but especially the windows closed." "Back here there's a terrible draught and I really don't like it." "What's happened to the defendant?" "We've been waiting over ten minutes." "The contract is good." "I think I'll accept it." "Thank you." "But there's a clause I don't like." "I must appear on stage in one number." "But he was very nice." "With a death sentence, I'm exempted from appearing." "You're lucky." "All the crimes I've committed and not a bit of luck." "Poor thing." " Want to work in my show?" " Maybe." " What can you do?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " Nothing at all?" " No." "Well then..." "Director!" "They're for you, Mr. Duval." "More flowers." "Always flowers." "The nicest murderer in the world, with all my kisses." "Sonia." "Who?" "A Russian." "No doubt about it." "The Russian woman is female twice over." "Twice female." "If I set up house I'd like a Russian maid." "Another as a cook, and another as a cleaner." "If you're finished, we're waiting for you." "Yes, I'm coming." "Let me see." "Keep in touch." "Want flowers in the cage?" "No, it would be in bad taste." "Send them to my dressing room." "Go and buy some candy, lad." "What lad!" "I'm forty years old." "Then buy a pair of shoes with high heels." "I ask to speak." "You again?" "What do you want?" "Here he is." "Enough, let's end this mayhem." "What are saying?" "What don't you understand?" "No, we have it all figured out." "There's only one detail that I missed." "The defendant, is he innocent or guilty?" "What's that?" "Didn't you hear what the witnesses said?" "The victim's name was Lulu." "He often called Lulu." "He caused a fight in my place." "A false 1,000 franc note." "He stole animals, and led a dissolute life." "He stole my coat." "He stole my coat." "He stole my coat." "Yes, he stole my coat." "Okay, but the defendant is he innocent or guilty?" "But then it is useless." "Defendant, arise." "I can't." "Why not?" "I'm already up." " So sit." " Alright." " Has she come, my wife?" " No." "Do you think my wife is guilty?" "That is, how do you think yourself?" "Innocent or guilty?" "Actually, you've put me in a bit of a quandary." "What?" "I don't understand." "What's he saying?" "Lawyer, don't begin with these insinuations." "No one disputes your right to suggest the answers" "But it's useless to carry on in such a private manner." "So, innocent or guilty?" " I am innocent!" " Who's innocent?" "You're guilty." "Get that into your thick head!" "You have confessed, evidence has shown it." "We've come to this, everything is against you." "You are guilty." "Who is that?" "The defence lawyer." "Damn!" "Bravo!" "Enough." "The word to the Public Prosecutor." "Pray please be brief." "What's briefer than a telegram." "Murder confessed, stop." "Idiotic expression hides sinister look." "Grounds adopted by defence, ridiculous." "Request the guillotine." "Kind regards." "Arriving Thursday." "Sincerely, Prosecutor." "Did you hear that guy?" "Nineteen words, 25 cents a word." "With four times 25 he sends me to the guillotine." "Thank goodness, soon be done." "Now the Defence." "Gentlemen of the Court, most excellent jurors," "I'll be brief." "You have before you a deluded artist." "A provincial, a dreamer." "Once in the sprawling city, he saw it only through rose-tinted glasses." "He did not see the evil that lurks like a snake in those said roses." "He found a lost woman." "He took her in, wanted to redeem her." "Much has been said in this courtroom of the four coats stolen." "But who says he didn't steal them to clothe that poor, cold woman?" "Or torn into many strips, to make clothes for her baby." "I, too, will be brief." "Very brief." "But that woman, she wasn't grateful." "She fled." "And with whom?" "The explanation is given in the words of that song where he poured out all the suffering that tore at and still torments... his soul, that of an artist betrayed." "Hurry, deal, it's your turn." "Listen." "Lulu, where are you?" "Hurry up with that piano." "Are you perhaps in Milano with Gaetano?" "Or in Lyon with Gaston?" "Or maybe Parigi with quiet, cynical pastimes, and deplorable behaviour with Luigi?" "The last verse is a little long." "But what does it matter when there is health?" "And then the verses don't count." "It's enough to hear the music." "Listen." "Where are you, Lulu?" "What d'you do, Lulu?" "Sing together with me." "One... two..." "Where are you, Lulu?" "What d'you do, Lulu?" "He, on that tragic night of crime, looked everywhere." "In nightclubs, in bars, infamous premises." "He found her, perhaps with Luigi?" "A gun in his pocket, has lost the apple of his eye." "Boy, let me work." "And shoots." "The prosecutor was brief." "But I will be even briefer." "I need just one word:" "Mercy!" "The defendant has nothing to declare?" "Yes, I confess..." "What do you say?" "I confess I've three Neapolitan cups." "No!" "I ask if you've anything to add in your defence." "No, until now I've not had a good hand." "Go on, it's up to you." "Did you see?" "The jury will retire to deliberate." "Ices." "Ices." "A fine rogue!" "Bravo!" "I hope for your sake they condemn me to death, or else..." "Come on, you only die once." "Vetriolo." "Come on, don't overdo it." "Just a quick greeting then I'll come immediately." " How did it go?" " Imagine." "Three years, child's play." "But I've already appealed." "Without a lawyer I'll do just fine." "But you, remember our promise." " Absolutely." " Bravo." "Mr. Duval, I will make you the most important person in Paris." "Mr. Duval, come here a moment." "Excuse me for a moment, dear." "From now on, what's done is done." "Did you kill because she cheated on you?" "Your Lordship, let that go." "You did well." "You did well." "The jury." "On my honour and on my conscience the verdict of the jury is as follows." "To the first question." "Is Cipriano Duval guilty of premeditated murder?" "Unanimous plus one, yes." "On the second question." "Did Cipriano Duval have the right to kill in self-defence or for other reasons here not necessary to mention?" "A unanimous..." "Yes." "So all's well that ends well." "Acquitted, because the action in some cases doesn't constitute a crime." "Goodbye and good evening to everyone." "Curtain up." "Group picture please." "You here." "Alongside His Lordship and your girlfriend here." "The defence lawyer." "One moment." "Don't start with your stupid jokes." " With the horns behind the head?" " No." "Want to say something to our listeners?" " Gladly." " Please, a moment." " Smile!" " Done." "Thank you." "I'm very happy to have finished first." "I mean, to have been acquitted." "I hope to do better next time." "And hold high the colours of my team." " Bravo." " Thank you." "Hello, Mum." "Hello, Ninette." "Hello, Pierino." "Be good, huh?" "Last edition!" "CIPRIANO DUVAL ACQUITTED" "FROM ZERO TO HERO" "THE NEW SHOW OF CIPRIANO DUVAL" "A MILLION IN ADVANCES!" "CIPRIANO DUVAL:" "A STAR IS BORN!" "Here he is." "Good evening, Maestro." "Bravo, maestro." "Don't be unfair." "It's not my fault if your Cipriano has forgotten you." "He does whatever he wants." "Yeah." "Did you know tomorrow night is the première of his show?" "I know, but don't ask me to accompany you." " I'm not going." " Are you jealous?" " Maybe." "Lucky him, who knows how much fun he's having right now with all those women." "Look lively!" "Look lively!" "Enough!" "It'll take two million times to get this dance perfect." " Come on, again." " No." " What is it?" "The girls are fine, it's the music that's wrong." " We'll redo it all over again." " You're crazy!" " The whole piece?" " Everything." " A few hours from the opening?" " I'll hurry." " Want to see how I do it?" "The rifle quick." " But..." "Leave it to me." " Want a foxtrot or a mazurka?" " Foxtrot." "Foxtrot." "Then two shots." "Look out." "Quiet, Giacomino, otherwise you'll wake Mama." "Oh, let's see how it's come out." "So... mi... do." "How's it going?" "Mi... fa." "It's useless." "Shooting's always been the best." "Let's see." "So." "Hold it." "Hold it there." " Well then?" " It seems a bit slow." " A bit slow?" " Yes." "Let's change gear." " Eh?" " Still a bit too slow." " Still Slow?" " Yes." "These gears are always meshing." "Now it's just fine." "What did I tell you." "Wake up!" "Ready?" "One, two." "One minute, huh?" "Bravo, we're in a hurry." "Here we're fine." "Now we need something new, original, never before seen." " We should do "One night in Parma"?" " How would you do it?" "In the dark, there's a soubrette." "She gives away bunches of violets to the public." "We want something different than flowers." "Different from flowers?" "Radishes, carrots, lettuce, cucumbers?" "Fine." "Call Duval." "Good idea, vegetarian scene." "One gives celery, the other radishes, salt, pepper, olive oil... so the audience eats and has no time to whistle." "Great, we're on track." "Why are you so melancholy?" "I know the show will be fine, but I have a premonition" " that something might happen." " Duval." " What is it?" " Someone wants you." " How's the voice?" " Excellent." "Look, they're all sleeping." "We must try it two million times," "The radish scene, it must be done." "You're despicable, of all the blackmails yours is the most vile." "If I must suffer..." "How much, ten thousand?" "No, it's not about money." "I'm the murderer and my conscience has awakened." "Well then, twenty thousand." "No, still wide awake." "Thirty?" "It's yawning?" "Just a little." "Fifty thousand and let's hear no more about it." "Put it to bed, and creep away on tip-toe." " For you." " Let's hope so." "Anyway best wishes for tomorrow night." ""The last gigolo."" "They say that to Paris he did go" "Then disappeared, gigolo." "I'll tell you a lie" "A lie without pudor" "My word of honor" "My word of honor" "Same as before" "In the night both dark and stormy" "In Paris still exists" "Gigolo so nice and sturdy" "Who's the love of Gigole." "Gigolo so nice and sturdy" "Who's the love of Gigole" "If there are those who still don't know" "Gigolo is nice and sturdy" "That's me" "Little Gigoletta" "Linked strongly to you." "Tonight your life is much better with me" "What's it matter the world doesn't spin" "The state that I'm in" "For you I would die" "For a kiss would you lend me 5 lira?" "No, see what you're like?" "See what you're like?" "I don't drink, I don't sleep" "I don't smoke tobaccy" "I never eat snails" "I'm the poor apache" "And I'm the apache who'll dance with you" "Gigole, gigolo Promenade" "I believe that someone has whistled" "My train I've just missled" "And the bitch has just passed" "What d'you think?" "Mark Antonio or Cleopatra?" "No, see what you're like?" "Oh, the cops we're done for" "I greet you, goodnight." "In the sad little house" "Anguished soul" "There's a mama who waits" "There's a mama who waits" "Who beats me, you see." "Gigolì, gigolì." "Bravo!" " Hurry, go on!" " No!" "Great." "Is all ready, there?" "Yes, very well." "Curtain." "Now's a good time." "You, the stage." "You up in the gallery." "One moment." "When I make this sign throw down the flyers." " It's awakened." " What?" " My conscience." " No." "The murderer is me." "I want to tell the public." "You ruin me." "I'll give you money." "No." "It's not about money, it's a matter of conscience." "Who's the murderer?" "Me." "I want to say so." "Mister murderer, do it for friendship." "For heaven sake, come on!" "Come here a minute." "Decent people discuss things, it settles everything." "Wait there a moment." "Hurry, girls on stage." "Lower it very slowly, I beg you." "See what effect it'll have when the singer gets out of the basket." " It'll be a fine effect." " Why?" " She's here." "Well then..." "Cipriano Duval lied, he's not a murderer." "I am the murder." "Lulu, I killed her." "Cipriano Duval is an impostor." "He is innocent." "He never killed any woman." "All dressed up in his borrowed finery." "Come on." "It's disgusting, I've never felt so disappointed." "What a pity, everything was going so well." "What a disaster!" "I'm ruined, couldn't you fix it?" "Should I kill someone?" "Kill him." "No, I'm going." "Ladies and gentlemen, how do you know I'm innocent?" "Rogue!" "You're innocent, but you'll pay for it!" "You can't deceive the audience so easily!" "Down with the innocent!" "Down with the innocent!" "Slanderer!" "I'm not innocent!" "Who was found near the body with the gun in their hand?" "Me or him?" "You can't destroy the prospects of a respectable murderer." "And I thought you were vegetarians." "As fast as you can!" "Hurry, they want to lynch him!" "Why?" "No, not because he's a murderer." "But because he's innocent." "One, two..." "Three, four, five, six, seven..." "Scoundrel." "Come on." "No, Cipriano." "For what they've done?" "Let me loose." "Well, you're right!" "Down!" "And as in the old silent films..." "Giorgetta and Cipriano lived happily ever after."