"This is the Onion News Network." "Report first, ask questions later." "The Italian space program is about to send a real man to the moon by the year 2020." "Thousands of Mac users are flocking to see an image of the apple logo that has appeared in a tree..." "And vice president" "Joe biden has joined the cast of "the view."" "Everything you've been told is a lie." "The only truth is here in the "Fact Zone."" "Welcome to the "Fact Zone."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "We have a lot to get to tonight, but before any of that, I need to tell you about a very important matter that's in my sights." "That's in my sights." "Wolf Blitzer, I must ask you to apologize for what you did to me at Nobu last night." "By introducing me to your table as Brenda Alvarez, you've not only humiliated you've not only humiliated me in front of the elite" "Nobu clientele, but revealed how desperate and pathetic you've become." "I know what you're up to." "Call me the wrong name." "Plant the seed of self-doubt in my head, and then I'm up all night reliving that moment over and over again, thinking," ""am I in fact Brenda Alvarez?" ""What is reality?"" "Eventually, I have a mental breakdown on camera, shrieking, "who am I?"" "The network forces me into a madhouse, and the little wolf pants his way into my anchor chair." "This isn't about me, wolf." "It's about the people." "They see a wolf Blitzer call the top-rated cable anchor on the planet" "Brenda, and they're left to ask, "why is this tiny" ""nothing of a man slighting" ""the woman with the best" ""chin in news?"" "And that's what's in my sights." "In my sights." "Now that that's straight, let's move on to our top story." "Let's move on to our top story." "It's a land mark day in the march for equality here in" "America... congress passed the casinos for fairness act today, which gives every mistreated group in America the right to open a casino." "It worked with native Americans, it will work for the rest of the country." "If our society has kept you down, you will get a casino to pull yourselves back up... every man, woman, and child in America is equal or they will be given a casino." "Rural appalachians, laid off auto workers, and the dyslexic are among the hundreds of groups granted gaming privileges." "This group of inner city" "African Americans in" "Buffalo, New York got right to work today, opening their casino in a de-funded community center." "I mean, we may not have decent schools or safe streets, but at least now we can bilk tourists out of money." "Tourists out of money." "Veterans will also have the right to open a casino as a replacement for costlier benefit programs." "Costlier benefit programs." "And I think it'd be nice to have a casino." "I mean, I'd rather still be able to walk but, you know..." "Because Arkansas is now comprised almost entirely of people with gaming rights, the state has decided to transform itself into a 50,000 square mile open air casino." "Arkansas state pit boss" "Mike green said, pending legislation, they'll officially rename the state "the mystic winds gaming center."" "While the majority of the country is hailing the casino act as a step forward, many native" "Americans are objecting to the law." "We are still the most disadvantaged group in America." "So, all that we ask, is that we be allowed to open whore houses and start legally selling cocaine." "It's only fair." "The bill raised the question of whether immigrants should be allowed to own casinos." "After much debate, the legislature decided that they would not, but they will be able to sell sliced mango on the street, without a vendor license... seems fair." "All right, let's go now to the case the whole nation is watching... the military trial of mq-1 military drone tr425 for last" "September's tragic bombing of an Afghan wedding." "After nearly a month of various testimony, the" "TR-425 itself will finally take the stand today to answer for the bombings, which killed more than 300" "Afghan civilians and stirred widespread outrage across the globe." "Of course, we all remember that president Obama was quick to call for investigations after the incident and within three hours the Pentagon had charged TR-425 with single-handedly carrying out the attack." "These atrocities were the work of one drone acting alone." "Now, evidence shows that there wasn't a single U.S." "Soldier within 100 Miles of the targeted area when the bombing occurred." "We're all as shocked as anyone that, uh, the drone would break protocol like this." "So far, military prosecutors have turned over significant evidence of the drone's history of violent behavior, and military psychiatrists have testified that the" "TR-425 has a personality disorder... the drone has yet to publicly claim innocence." "Do you have any response to the report that you're a murderer?" "Why won't you apologize?" "Is it true you don't sleep?" "Okay, uh, folks, that's all the time we have, right now." "Are you a Christian?" "Very sad story there." "Well, let's go to our top political story today." "President Obama cannot seem to shake the mounting rumors that he does not love his dog, bo." "It started three weeks ago on right wing message boards, speculating as to why president Obama was so rarely photographed with the Portuguese water dog given to the first family in 2009... the issue has quickly become a favorite talking" "point on conservative radio programs like" ""the Wendell mack show."" "I've never seen him feed bo." "I've never seen him take bo to the vet." "My friends, if this man hates his own dog so much that he refuses to play fetch with him in public, think of how much he must hate the American people." "Hate the American people." "For some deep insight on this controversy in record time, let's take this over to the first responders, to the first responders, the fastest opinion generators on television." "Okay, responders." "Tell us what the Obama team should be doing differently here." "Love that dog, for God's sake!" "Look, if the white house would just come out and prove that Obama cares a little bit for bo, this whole issue would be settled." "Absolutely, and look, you know, I... but the fact that they're refusing to even try speaks volumes." "Yeah... it's the people's right to ask questions, and the big question here is, okay, if" "Obama doesn't hate his dog, then why do so many people think that he does?" "Well, the administration is trying to change the public's opinion about this." "I mean, just yesterday, the president launched a new web site, trying to display his love for bo." "It's called "first dog,"" "and it shows over 1,000 photographs of president" "Obama with bo in various situations... earlier today, white house deputy press secretary Todd grant made a public statement about the matter." "Of course, the president loves bo very much... he, uh, scratches behind his ears." "He rubs his belly." "Uh, he calls him a good boy multiple times per day." "Oh, please... he should resign that dog hater!" "You know, Nancy's right." "I mean, this is about honesty." "Resigning for trying to deceive the American people about loving bo is-is the only honorable course of action for Obama." "Well, the author of the national best seller" ""refusal to play" analyzed six months worth of the president's speeches and found that he only mentioned bo 14 times." "Unacceptable." "They also called over 700 interviews with white house officials, and not once did president Obama say that he didn't want bo dead... not once." "I'm sorry... you can see it in his eyes." "He can't stand that dog." "And, you know, I gotta say it's all become all the more obvious seeing how much Joe biden clearly loves his boa constrictor, uh, Mr. ropes." "All right... thank you so much, first responders." "So much, first responders." "Don't forget to take your trash on the way out." "You know, the story kinda makes me miss my corgis." "If you're watching," "Carter, Cameron, Jackson, juju, and Jerome, I'll be home soon." "But now, let's look into a somewhat perplexing story from the world of science." "From the world of science." "People are reporting that climatologists around e country have been behaving very strangely recently." "Let's go to Andrea Bennett in Cambridge, Massachusetts for more... hello, Andrea." "What's going on?" "Well," "Brooke, we just don't know." "Something definitely seems to have spooked the climatologists here." "They've been pacing around, gesticulating wildly, and making a lot of strange noises." "Well, I hate to see them all agitated, but these little professors sure do look funny flailing their skinny little weak arms and pushing their glasses back up." "Yes, I suppose they do." "And what is that chattering sound that they're making, Andrea?" "Can we listen to a little more of that?" "Well, it's similar to their normal vocalizations but about a third faster and twice as loud." "When sea level does cross a threshold, it's very difficult to reverse that rise..." "Again, we are not sure why, but it's definitely not the first time we've witnessed this sort of behavior among various different types of scientists." "Now, Andrea, don't some people believe that scientists can actually sense danger coming?" "Oh, right." "I mean, do you think that-that might have something to do with the way that they're acting?" "Well, there are those who believe that or think scientists can tell when someone has cancer or is going to die but, of course, other people think that's pretty silly." "Now, as far as climatologists there in" "Cambridge, I understand that they've actually been approaching humans." "Is that right?" "That is... now, they're usually very timid, but one came right up to me today." "I am not lying." "He was this close and handed me this." "Amazing... well, maybe someday we'll know what all this jumping around is all about." "Yes." "Thanks so much, Andrea." "You bet." "You bet." "Now, let's turn to" "Washington... a new poll shows senator Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator, has seen his approval rating drop an unprecedented 36 points this week after reversing himself on multiple campaign promises, campaign promises," "promises Tillis claims to not even remember making." "He told us again and again, very loudly, that if we elected him, he would solve all of our problems right away because he's the davemeister, and the davemeister is number one." "But it was all a lot of empty promises." "At a press conference today," "Tillis appeared to dig himself into deeper trouble when questioned about what many are calling" ""drunken campaign promises."" "Just shut up!" "But why, senator?" "Because I-I never said..." "What?" "That I'd get a tramline to the Bahamas." "You think we got the money?" "'Cause that'd take a..." "Dillion dollars." "But the a videotape, uh, clearly showing..." "Now, you see, the trouble is you don't know how to listen." "But during your campaign, you had said..." "Because this time, what I'm saying..." "Senator, you promised the voters that you would... look, look..." "I don't care if you got 100 videotapes." "You're not getting a trammel..." "Tram thing." "No... no... you watch the tape... you watch the tapes." "I hereby legislate everybody get off my back." "Wait, one more question." "Wait, one more question." "Well, my sympathy goes out to senator tillis..." "I know all too well how alcohol can make you do things which you and the courts can never seem to forget." "Okay, stay here in the "Fact Zone" because later, we'll have a special report on the DEA's report on the DEA's new program to pre-emptively broadcast Miranda rights in all American inner cities every morning." "We'll be back in a minute." "You have the right to remain silent." "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." "You have ventured into the darkness but now return to the light, passing once again through the "Fact Zone."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "We go now to a special public health bulletin from our own Tucker hope." "Tucker, let's try to keep this under two minutes, shall we?" "Of course," "Brooke... well, you've probably already seen the signs around your local strip mall." "The department of health and human services has issued a new ban, uh, preventing the nation's shawnas from any further use of tanning salons." "The ruling was made after a study found that shawnas are exposed to roughly" "5,000 times more U.V." "Radiation each year than the average American." "They are at a very high risk of developing melanoma and orangey leathery skin." "Shawnas, uh..." "You are tan enough." "Let us tan!" "Let us tan!" "The nation's shawnas have reacted negatively to the ban." "I don't care what the government says." "I just won 15 bucks in scratches, so I'm gettin' a freakin' tan." "This sucks!" "None of us have time for this shit." "We've got Tammys at home to raise." "In an "Onion News Network"" "poll of shawnas across the country, more than 30 per cent argued that a pale complexion will negatively affect the size of their tips at Ruby Tuesdays." "And more than half have said that their boyfriends', Dennis, like them tan, and he's the them tan, and he's the father of their second child, so they want him to stick around..." "And, Brooke, let me just say that I have seen some of these shawnas firsthand, and none of them have anything on your natural and no way surgically altered beauty." "Thank you, Tucker." "Well, it's that time of year, again." "And once again, people are clamoring for those precious bits of Oscar news." "For the Hollywood update, let's go now over to" "Madison Daly with the star fix." "Madison, you must love this... everyone buzzing to your one little area of knowledge." "America does love the oscars." "So, what's the scoop?" "So, what's the scoop?" "The academy announced today that dreamworks animation studios founder" "Jeffrey Katzenberg will receive a lifetime achievement award for giving divorced dads something to do with their kids." "A statement read quote," "single dads across the nation are applauding the academy's decision to honor Katzenberg." "Dreamworks is great... uh, (When 'kung fu panda two' comes out, we're gonna see it every weekend for a month." "Sometimes, dad falls asleep, so I get to watch the movie twice." "Next, it wouldn't be the oscars without criticism from peta, which is calling for the academy of motion picture arts and sciences to put an end to what they're calling the barbaric use of chickens to pick Oscar winners by" "randomly pressing buttons." "A peta spokesperson stopped by "today now"" "this morning." "So, tell us." "What is the real problem with having chickens select the academy awards every year?" "Well, Jim, it is simply inhuman to expose an animal to decisions involving movie soundtracks or who may or may not have won the best supporting actress in a motion picture that year." "God knows I subject a person to that kind of treatment." "The oscars chicken-based voting system, which has been in effect since the awards were founded in" "1929, has sparked a great deal of controversy over the years." "But despite the protest, academy officials maintain that the chickens are well treated... in a statement on their web site, they said quote," "so far, it looks like" "PETA's protest has done little to dampen the excitement for this year's oscars." "I-I didn't see any of the nominating movies, but I always trust where the chickens step." "I'll-I'll go see whatever button they step on." "And finally, in a surprise announcement made just minutes ago, funny man" "Howie Mandel has been tapped to host this year's academy award ceremony, according to sources inside the imagination of Howie Mandel." "Mandel has long wanted to host the oscars, but this is the first time he has actually day dreamed about it." "In the fantasy, the announcement was made after imaginary oscars executive producer Slade epic watched an episode of" ""deal or no deal" and was so impressed by Mandel's charisma that he said," "mandel also daydreamed that George Clooney was suggested as well, but epic shot down" "Clooney as quote" ""the poor man's Howie mandel."" ""The poor man's Howie mandel."" "Brooke." "All right... thanks, Madison." "It's time now we get back to the real news." "Now, let's return to the military trial of the mq-1 predator drone accused of killing hundreds in an unauthorized strike in Afghanistan." "We have just obtained exclusive audio of TR-425 being cross-examined by the prosecuting attorney." "Let's take a listen." "Do human lives mean anything to you?" "Is your circuitry so twisted that you somehow convinced yourself that you were helping your country?" "You actually seemed to relish the destruction of these innocent people." "You even videotaped your actions... you're a disgrace to that flag painted on your fuselage." "No further questions." "If his client is convicted, TR-425's attorney says he will appeal the decision based on the fact that there are zero mechanized Americans on the military tribunal." "Okay, we have to take a quick break, right now, but make sure to check out our website for more about the department of homeland security's request that everyone hold their breath for the next two minutes." "We'll be right back." "It's my duty to warn you, if you enter the" ""Fact Zone," you will be exposed to an extremely high level of news." "Take a minute to email us your thoughts on the shocking admission by astronaut Neil Armstrong that he fathered a" "Seco moon family." "But for now, let's go to Washington." "To Washington." "Stating a desire to regain the magic they felt during the 2008 election, democrats announced this morning that they have sought party counseling to work out their issues." "Work out their issues." "Democrats' first weekly session with dc therapist" "Dr. Ron Statsky was broadcast on o-span three this morning." "You can't let Republicans' smear tactics distort how you really and truly feel about each other." "This is between you guys and nobody else." "Now, Nancy..." "You were telling me how you thought no one here has your back." "You wanna talk about that?" "Okay, guys, look." "If we're gonna make any progress, you all are gonna have to open up." "Now, I want you all to take a moment, right now, to look deep inside of the eyes of the person sitting next to you and remember why this party came together in the first place." "Together in the first place." "Voters say that they're glad the party is finally getting help." "Viewer Allison r." "Was particularly relieved, telling "Fact Zone"" "in an email," "while democrats work to repair their relationship, republican leaders still insist that their party is getting along fine in despite of the numerous domestic dispute police calls to RNC headquarters." "And we have a tragic story now out of Braxton," "California this hour." "California this hour." "A 23-year-old man was tragically killed this morning by a train when he jumped onto the tracks to retrieve a woman's purse." "Autistic reporter Michael falk has the story." "I have the story... at 4:05 P.M., a" "100,000-pound comet liner two stainless steel car ran into a man at the" "Braxton station." "Luckily, there was no structural damage caused to the car's chassis, so it was only a matter of cleaning the train to remove the human debris and return it to a pristine state." "Oh, just a terrible accident, Michael." "No, Brooke." "This was a very lucky day for the train." "If it had been hit by something bigger, like a car or a Boulder or a large animal, it could have been..." "Dented." "Okay... do we know anything about the man that the train hit," "Miguel Laviara?" "He's dead now, Brooke." "The train, because of its westinghouse e-cam xca448f propulsion system, requires a minimum stopping distance of 625 feet." "Before the train came to a complete stop, it ran over three trash bags, a piece of gum, a snickers wrapper, a man, and a glove." "That's just terrible." "Now, I understand that the platform was packed with commuters at the time of the accident." "Yes..." "That cameraman told me to talk to the people who saw the train get hit." "Here is what they said." "Are you angry because your train ride is over?" "No..." "I didn't even get on a train." "Well, don't worry." "Once the blood and flesh is hosed off the car, you will be able to ride the train again." "Who are you?" "I'm Michael falk of" ""the Onion News Network."" "Nice to meet you." "Now, Michael, it doesn't seem that the conductor was at fault, but will there be any kind of investigation into actually what happened and how he handled it?" "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, I talked to the conductor." "You drive the train." "Yeah... this is, uh, the sort of thing that every train operator..." "I wanna drive the train." "What?" "Can we go on the train now and drive it?" "No..." "I don't think we're gonna be driving that train tonight." "Why... is there something wrong with the train?" "I thought that you said that the train was all right." "What's wrong with the train?" "The train is fine, but a person is dead." "The train is fine." "Yes..." "And a person is dead." "The train is fine." "Thank you, Michael." "Yes." "It's now time for business news." "All right... okay." "Well, right now, let's check in with one of our" "12,408 local affiliate stations, as we turn our eye on the nation." "Today, we hear from wonn-5 in pennington, Illinois." "Teenage pregnancy rates have been declining across the state." "But here in pennington, they've jumped almost" "30 per cent." "That's right, Blake... experts say that the increase can be attributed mainly to Cody, a handsome teen whose family moved here from Abbotsford last year." "In one typical month here at Pennington's methodist hospital, over half of the pregnancies are the result of Cody." "These girls are not getting the education they need about Cody." "They don't fully understand Cody and unfortunately, that's part of the appeal." "I mean, after the summer, when Cody gets his tan, hmm, it's gonna get a lot worse." "Just this month the health teacher at pennington high began a new program to teach female students about the dangers of Cody." "I try to teach teens how to say "no" to Cody, even if he plays his guitar for them, along with safe sex with Cody basics, such as how to put a condom on Cody." "Speaking to reporters this afternoon, mayor Hallinan supported this well-rounded approach, saying that "abstinence only"" "stands on Cody doesn't work." "Simply telling our teens to just say" ""no" to Cody isn't realistic." "He has a fake I.D., and he does 100 push-ups every morning... we need to have a Frank and open dialogue with our daughters about Cody because he's not goin' anywhere." "His parents just bought the radburgers' old house." "I tell ya... it's tough for kids to wait out on Cody." "I, myself, am pregnant with Cody's child, but I'm not 16." "But I'm not 16." "Good luck to those girls." "Raising a child by yourself is one of the hardest things in the world, along with fending off laugh lines and making the news seem interesting." "The news seem interesting." "All right, stick with us, right here, in the "Fact Zone."" "You'd be a fool not to." "Dental patterns confirmed... you may re-enter the "Fact Zone."" "We have some shocking news now on the trial of predator drone TR-425." "Predator drone TR-425." "TR-425 rocketed out of the courtroom moments ago and flew into the side of a nearby Mountain, apparently so wracked with guilt over its crime that it chose to end its life." "Pentagon officials say they found this suicide note left near where the drone had been sitting." "They released it to the press just a moment ago." "In the note, the drone confessed to the bombing, saying..." "Well, at least the families who have members who died can have some closure." "That's all the time we have here in the "Fact Zone."" "Later on tonight on" ""berendale and berendale,"" "the berendales will have more on Israel's announcement of a second homeland for summering in." "Homeland for summering in." "Right now, stay tuned for the "cressbeckler stance."" "The "cressbeckler stance."" "So, Jode, are you excited about the oscars?" "No, ma'am." "Them oscars are for pantywaists to commemorate being swellheaded ignoramuses." "You wanna see a honest true trophy?" "True trophy?" "Here's a trophy!" "Shot by tar-faced comanche smack through the spine bone... come this close to my thumper." "All right." "Good night from everyone here on the Fact Zone." "Use the information you've learnt here wisely, it's very powerful."