"All right, Mrs. Cropper." "I think you're going to be fine without the antibiotics." "And you don't think I'll need a pelvic exam?" "Oh, n-not for a cold, no." " Do it with the gloves off." " Ok..." "Either step aside, or I'm gonna go through you." "Then you go through me..." "you go through me hard." "Mrs Cropper wasn't the only one showing aggression." "Every since Turk visited his brother last month, he'd been more alpha male than ever." "All right." "We all know the rules of remote wrestling." "Last man standing, decides what we watch." "Man Rumble?" "I got next." "Uhh!" "Right?" "Right?" "!" "Yeah!" "Ha ha!" "No." "I don't care that you've been waiting 2 hours to be helped." "Thank you for letting me think about it." "Anybody have an idea how we can calm down the clientele when we're this backed up?" "You know what would work?" "Duck pond." "Right here." "I can't believe I've never said this to you." "Nobody cares what you think." "Listen, guys." "It's come to my attention, that nobody around here," " cares what we think." " Tell me about it." "Like I thought it'd be cute if down in the morgue we got Hello Kitty toe tags." " You know, for the dead kids?" "But no!" " Exactly." "Sorta." "I figured out a way to get our voices heard." "Ok?" "It's a little newsletter called..." "Brace yourselves..." "Seriously, brace yourselves." "The Janitorial." "Now, what I'm thinking we can do..." "Unbrace yourselves." "Unbrace." "There we go." "Todd has a question." "Yes." "Can I be the photographer, so I've a valid excuse for wearing this?" "Don't ruin it." "I'm going to be writing all the editorials, ok?" "On issues like union strife, insurance scams, baby wolfmen..." "What I need... is an investigative reporter." "Yeah?" "Somebody who is bland enough, and, and... insignificant enough, that he'd be listening in on a private conversation, get the secrets, but no one would even notice he was there." "I'll do it." "You've been sitting there this whole time?" "No." "First I was in your chair, then you sat on my lap, remember?" "I said "Excuse me" and you said "Get up and sit over there"." "And I did." "Right?" "And..." "Hey, Janitor!" "Ooh!" "Hey, Ted." "Hello?" ""Rate Dr. Reid's butt"?" "Yes!" "9.2!" "Thank God this hospital's full of polite guys." "Calm down, Enid." "It's not my fault that I'm being forced out of my job." "The board found out about my age because Dr. Reid, just had to throw a birthday party for me." "Now, Enid, I've got to go back to work." "Don't be too pleased with that 9.2." "That's out of 100." "Oh." "Dr. Cox, can Sam watch West Side Story?" "Helps him fall asleep." "And it makes my heart sing." "Fine, but absolutely no singing or dancing along, and I will throw my coffee at you if I catch you even once doing this." "All right, I'll just do it in my head then." "Whoa." "I'm watching the game." "You put that remote down or be prepared to wrestle." "Who ordered a can of whoop-Ass?" "I think you did." "I want you to see this." "You see the TV from there, buddy?" "Unfortunately, you're going to have to get used to events like this." "Don't..." "listen... to him..." "Sam!" "Turk... stop... bouncing!" "Itasa Scrubs Team Presents" "Scrubs Season 07 Episode 08 "My Manhood" VO Subtitles" "Transcript:" "Teorouge, matters, JDsClone, supersimo, gi0v3" "Synch and revision: gi0v3" "How do you get it to spin so well?" "You've got to make sure the pen's right in the middle." "Check it out." "We made the front page." "I know." "It's awesome." "Now there's no doubt who the best buds in the whole hospital are." " Tracy and Stacy can suck it." " Dude." "Oh, sorry, Tracy and Stacy." "I see you guys are wearing each other's oxygen tubes." "That's cute." "All right, they win." "Yeah." "Check it out." "I'm going to take this to Kinko's and get it blown up poster-size." " Get two!" " I know." "Wait a minute." "Let me see if I've got this right." "The frontpage story about your humiliating ass-kicking doesn't bother you at all?" "You're the only one your son has to model himself after, when he's trying to figure out how to be a man, and seeing an occasional poster of Paul Mitchell, whenever you take him by the beauty salon, isn't going to cut it." "Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the amazing role model that you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic." "Nailed him!" "It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital." " You sure told him!" " Thanks, Herpes." "I'm so sorry that they're forcing you out." "I feel horrible." "Aw, sweetheart." "You should." "It's your fault." "Look." "I'll talk to the board." "I am so great at changing people's minds." "My best friend in college thought he was gay, but I totally convinced him that he was into women." "After that, he had a ton of girlfriends." "Until senior year, when he hung himself." "Why is it that so many of your stories end with "and then he hung himself"?" " Bad luck, I guess." " Don't help me." "And keep this to yourself." "It'll be our secret." "This is your new patient, John." "What's your secret?" "I can't tell." "And besides, you are terrible at keeping secrets." "You know, my brothers are great at keeping secrets." "They never once told anybody about the time they got into a fight in the bathroom and accidentally bumped wieners." "It was only for a second." " Still gay though." " Told you!" "Well, it's official." "The Janitorial is a hit." "But, no time to rest." "We've got to get another issue out before lunch." " But we just put one out this morning." " Doug, The Janitorial is a tri-daily." "But, let's hold on to the meeting until Ted gets here." "I'm right here!" "I bought you that scone." "I thought the manager gifted it to me for not running that expose on how Coffeebucks beans are picked by dirty river monkeys." "I'm kidding, Ted." "Actually, I wasn't kidding." "Todd, how's the weather section shaping up?" "I think all the ladies in the greater metro area should expect to see about 8 inches tonight." "What's up?" "!" "Entire Coffeebucks five!" "Nice, uh..." "Nice newsletter there, fellows." "It's the first thing that" "I've ever read where I could actually feel myself getting stupider as I read it." " Are you calling me stupid?" " Well, it's your stupid paper, right?" "So..." "Yeah." "You're stupid." "Hit it!" "Hit it!" "Hit it hard." "And... done." "What have I missed?" "Hey!" "You want to explain the fingernail marks down my wife's back?" "First of all, that's a perfectly acceptable fighting style." "And secondly, I think you should ask your wife about that." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "This is very close up." "What did you have for lunch, scalps?" "Hey, dude, why don't you let him go?" "I don't have a problem with you, man." "I should warn you, I've killed a man." "Granted, it was during surgery, but..." "I don't need anesthesia to knock your ass out." " Sorry." " That's right, walk away!" "Walk away!" "You got him." "Well, that was a close one, wasn't it?" "Thank goodness your big brave man friend was here." "Sam, I want to be real clear about this." "That's your daddy, not your mummy." "How did you get Sam out of daycare?" "Put on a wig and a skirt, and told 'em I was you." "So, John has had swelling in his chest wall for few months." "Oh, cold hands." "I should have told you." "So you're pretty tight with your brothers, huh?" "Yeah, they're idiots, but they're all right." "John, it looks like you have some skin puckering." "I'm just going to order some tests and... see what's going on, okay?" "I'll be right here." " He's a nice guy, isn't he?" " He's incredible." "What's your secret?" "Are you pregnant?" "Why would be talking to Kelso, if I was pregnant?" "It's his baby?" "That was one dream, Carla." "And it doesn't count because he was half dolphin." "Which half?" "Hey, Mop For Brains." "I was reading your paper online when I was on the toilet and..." " Yeah, I squat and surf." " Oh, it's the best." "Anyway, did you happen to notice what, what your so-colled corrispondents put on there?" ""Dr. Cox admitted that his callous outer shell is just protecting a fragile inner core of sadness." Quote:" ""If I seem angry, I'm really just wishing people would give me a warm hug or pat me on the back, and say:" "I'm right with you, man."" "Yeah." "I did happen to catch that." "While I was writing it." "I never gave you an interview." " I don't see that that's relevant." " Why am I even bothering with this?" "Nobody ever believes what you put on these things anyway." "Really?" "People believe everything they see online." "Apples linked to hair loss." "And post." "I'm kidding, Ted." " I don't wanna eat it again." " Ted..." "Here is John's lab work." "If you tell me your secret I won't tell anybody about the time you ate a cricket." "You tricked me into doing that." "Dominican snack, my hiney." "You know, you didn't have to save me from Mrs. Cropper's husband." " I could have handled him." " How?" "By ramming your face into his fist over and over again?" "You can make jokes, but I did that to Paul Edwards in college, and who won that fight?" "He broke two knucles, but I only fractured one skull." "Scoreboard, Turk." "Scoreboard." "You did have to wear that goofy embrace for a while." "Yeah, I don't remember that, but I'm still missing some large chunks from that year." "The point is, I don't want you fighting my battles for me." "I need to be a strong male row model, for Sam." "But, dude, that's my job, remember?" "When Sam gets older, I teach him about sports and stuff, and you're in charge of Izzy's emotional crap." " We agreed that how we'd raise our kids." " Our kids..." " Turk, we're not married." " Dude, we are a little married." "I know." "I love it." "Besides, if you start acting like a man's man all of a sudden, you're just teaching Sam to lie about who he really is." "You know?" "That's it." "I am a man, and it's time to prove it, once and for all." "Walk more purposefully, damn it." "You're pissed!" "We're watching what I wanna watch." "With my adrenaline flowing and my pride in the line, I knew this time..." "No, no, wait." "No, that's..." "Thank you." "It sucks to feel totally trapped." "Whether it's by a misinformed coworker..." "I feel alone too." "Oh, no." "Or some very unexpected news." "John, your test results came back." "You have breast cancer." "The hard part is finally breaking free." " Dude, relax!" "I'm getting up now, calm down." " Get off!" "I knew I had two choices:" "Apologize to Turk and admit it was an accident, or this..." "Yeah!" "How you like me now, bitch?" "Right?" "Up high!" "Up high!" "That's how we do!" "So uncool." "I'm going to kill him!" "Where is?" "Move!" "After putting a beatdown on Turk, the last thing I wanted to do was beat lame and hide in the supply closet." "That's why I chose down here." "Why are you here?" "After all these years of putting on toe tags, I sort of developed a foot fetish." "and you get tired of looking at dead ones, you know?" "No, no, Doug." "I don't." "Quick question:" "How can I possibly have breast cancer?" "Anyone can get it, John." "And unfortunately your sentinel node biopsy came back positive." "We should start chemotherapy right away." "Do you want to call your brothers?" "I'm not telling anybody about this." "All right?" "So just forget it." "End of story." "Can I... can I have a minute, please?" "Why wouldn't John want any help?" "You know, this reminds me the time my cousin Greg got stuck at the airport." "I offered to pick him up, but he said he'd just crash at some cheap motel." " Anyway, the next day..." " Let me guess." "He hung himself." "What?" "No." "Dr. Kelso, my cousin didn't hang himself, ok?" "He did." "But he lived." "That's a nice story." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop it please." "There's no touching." "No touching." "Don't please, no touch." "Ok, everyone!" "Can I have your attention?" "That interview is a fake." "It never happened." "So, there's no more touching me, not now, not never." "Knock, knock, knock." "Hello?" "Is the real Dr. Cox in there?" "Because his friend Ted wants him to now it's safe to come out." " You read the interview, too?" " What interview?" "Oh, thank God." "Turk will never beat me up in front of Carla." " What is John's problem?" " Yeah, Carla." "What is his problem?" "Oh, he's embarrassed about having breast cancer." "Most guys would be." "You know what else would embarrass most guys?" "Having their ass handed to them Hong Kong style, in front of the whole cafeteria." "Eliott, even doctors get self-conscious about their bodies." "Remember last month when Turk pretended to visit his brother, but he was actually having his testicle removed?" "He was so embarrassed, he only let me tell you about it." "and he was only comfortable telling JD." "Baby, I haven't told JD." "How could you not tell your best friend?" "Do you guys even realize I'm here?" "One testicle." " Come on." "Where is it?" "Did you at least keep it?" " Why would I keep my testicle?" "These conditions are perfect." "Months Later" "He's beautiful." "Oh, my God." "This is totally awesome." "Can you go pick up Carla's dry-cleaning so I can play basketball?" "He can't talk." " What the hell am I going to do with that?" " Stop, Turk." "You're making him cry." "It's ok, plant-Turk." "Friends." "See?" "he's learning." " Get the clippers!" "Get the clippers!" " Let him go!" "Let him go!" "We have to find your ball, Turk." "We have to find it and destroy it." "You don't realize that Carla and Elliot left, do you?" "Look at him." "He's dying in there." "I mean emotionally, not dying dying." "Although he could be." "I haven't seen his full blood work yet." "Good." "He's not dying." "But he is..." "I'll never be surprised of the ridiculous behaviour of men." "Wow, Turk's pretty quick without that testicle weighing him down." "I wonder if olympic athlets have ever thought of that." "Take them both off, and I'll bring home the gold!" "Hell, if it makes a difference, you can even take off my..." "Dammit!" "Never fantasize while running, you know that!" "There." "I locked myself in." "You can't stay in there forever." "Y-y-you gotta make this stop." " Why are you torturing me?" " Because you called me stupid." "Now, I've been called with great many horrible names in my life." "Backstabber, Zebra-poacher," "Josh." "And I've accepted these, because to each of them there is a degree of truth." "But I am not, or will I ever be stupid." "Fair enough." " I'm very sorry." " Apology accepted." "Now, how about an interview with the real Dr. Cox?" "Fine." "Let's just crank this out." " Oh, you don't have to be here." " Beg you pardon?" "Off you go." "It's all up here." "Occupied!" "It's too bad we can't just call John's brothers and tell them that he needs them." "I know." "Stupid doctor-patient confidentiality." "It's like wearing a muzzle." "Like last month," "One of my patients asks out nurse Rollins, and I couldn't even warn her that I'm treating the guy for a horrible case of mono." "Now she has it, and her grandfather has it." "I don't know, she wouldn't say." "Men are always doing this to themselves." "If they say they don't want your help, you can bet your ass they really need it." "That is so true I'm putting that on my answering machine and save it for my next relationship." "Don't bother, there's no reception in here." "Oh, my God." "Dr. Kelso wants my help." "I swear, Elliot, if you don't tell me this secret," "I'm gonna go in that stall and change your butt rating." "So, which one did you lose, Lamont or Grady?" "Lamont." "Now, in hot days, he'll be sticking to God's leg." " How'd it happen?" " My kid kicked me in the groin and then I got testicular torsion." "That sucks..." "Lately, I've been feeling like less of a man." "And that's why I've been overcompensating with all of that remote wrestling, alpha male stuff." "Losing a testicle is not gonna make you less of a man." "Although you do realize you'll probably having daughters for the rest of your life if you've lost the one that makes boy babies." "That's not really how it works, is it?" " I'm not really sure." " Still, you whooped me in public." "So we gotta fight again." "Turk, you've not being listening?" "Sam, role model, I have to win!" "So what d'you wanna do?" "And then we had it!" " Rocky III freezeframe ending!" " Rocky III freezeframe ending!" "Yeah, I totaly messed JD up, yeah." "I cut my knuckle knocking his teeth out, right?" "Check out the scar!" "As I showed off the cut i've gotten from a broken jam jar," "I thought about how complex the male ego is." "It could make us need constant affirmation that we're strong, or even feared." " This is brilliant!" " I thought you'd like it." "It can even make us so afraid to ask for help, that instead we just quietly hope for someone to notice." "Dr. Kelso?" "I told Carla your secret, we're gonna help you." "We're gonna rally everyone in this hospital to stop that board from forcing you out of your job." "Are you in on this too, Perry?" "No, first time hearing it, and I couldn't care less." "He'll get there."