"Previously on Boston Legal..." "The reason I came to the Boston office was to ring out some of the madness." "Some pakistani put a hit on her?" "Fled London, changed my name, began a new life here." "What if your ex-pakistani blows up the building, hmm?" "What are you doing?" "Climbing on my soapbox, judge." "I do it once a week." "–This is not your political forum." "–Really?" "What kind of lawyer are you?" "The troubled, yet... fun kind." "You're representing a woman who's in love with a utility box?" "You likened your buttocks to God's image." "You cannot fire somebody just because they're fat." "Oh, will you stop with the dink shots?" "You're playing like a girl." "Just get up to the net." "Hey, hey!" "That was out." "What, are you a linesman now?" "Game, set, match." "Jump the net." "Mr Crane." "Oh, Bert, my man." "What brings you downtown?" "You do." "You sued me, Mr Crane." "Oh, right." "Why'd you sue me?" "Uh, well, Bert because I drove all the way to Revere beach to get one of your pizzas— he makes the best pizza in the world— and, uh, when I got to Revere beach after an hour in traffic," "I didn't get my pizza." "You weren't there." "You were closed." "That pissed me off." "Did you see the restaurant?" "It was destroyed." "It got trashed in the flood." "It wasn't my fault." "So what?" "You sue who hurts you, I sue who hurts me." "That's the way the law works." "What do I sue, God for causing the flood, or the national guard for failing to show up and help?" "That's your call, Bert." "I'm rested." "Another game?" "This isn't fair." "And it's not funny." "I lost my business, Mr Crane." "Everything I worked for my entire life, it's all gone." "My place got destroyed by a flood." "It could've been prevented, and nobody came." "I'm afraid Denny's right, though I wouldn't sue God." "He's a flight risk." "So that would leave the national guard." "We'll represent you." "–Wh-what?" "–What?" "The national guard has a duty to show up, should there be a natural disaster." "They didn't, and like any real tragedy, somebody somewhere has to stand ready to exploit it." "That's where Denny and I come in." "One of my specialties is turning courtroom proceedings into a circus." "You'll need to wear a tie." "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about suing the national guard, of course." "Suing the national guard." "I like it." "Boston Legal Season 04 Episode 09 No Brains Left Behind" "–Alan, I'm having second thoughts." "–Why?" "Suing the national guard... it might seem unpatriotic to criticize one's country at a time when we're trying to blow up somebody else's country." "Come on, Denny." "You'll actually be serving America here." "Sorry we're late." "New case." "What?" "The two of you serving America makes me nervous." "Oh, we've decided to sue the national guard, Carl." "You want in?" "You're suing them for what?" "They failed to protect Denny's favorite pizza parlor from being wiped out by a flood." "Yes or no?" "I can't save your spot." "Alan, you cannot sue the national guard." "Of course we can." "Isn't it grand, Shirley?" "We do these things that seem completely absurd, and then incredibly, we manage to make them not only watchable, but fun and informative." "Aren't you just dying to see how we do it this time?" "I'm not." "Just the thought of dying makes me jumpy." "I don't like dying." "That's why I live my life safe." "And I don't like to put others at risk either." "Not everybody's like that." "That's just me, I guess." "Thank you for that..." "stirring commentary, Whitney." "Grammy?" "Marlena." "I am so sorry to interrupt." "Oh, my God." "It's an emergency." "I am in big trouble, grammy." "I need your help." "Okay." "Grammy?" "Okay, is it me, or is that little thing hot?" "Hope I'm not her grandpa." "Expelled?" "My parents don't know." "They'll kill me." "Grammy, you gotta help me." "I can't be expelled." "My life will be over." "Oh, my God." "W-what did you do?" "It was bad." "I was... well, you know those stupid government-issued assessment tests they always make you take?" "I sort of stole the test and... accidentally shredded it and inadvertently scattered the confetti all over the principal's office... sort of." "Okay, so maybe it wasn't an accident, but I can't be expelled." "Oh, my God." "Marlena, what were you thinking?" "Well... something like... well, you know how those standardized tests are evil, and something like how if Henry David Thoreau were still alive, he'd shred them, too." "Something like that... sort of." "We're just a bit curious, that's all." "What's to be curious about?" "Well, I have many pakistani friends, none of whom believe in honor killings." "And as for anyone who does, I'm having trouble seeing you and he as soul mates." "It turns out we were not soul mates, which occasioned my having the affair." "Does it really matter?" "Uh, it does to me." "And I can't figure out why you would sign on for high-profile cases, of which you've had many, with your little face all on the news." "It just seems odd for somebody who's got a fatwa against her." "I mean, I tend to lay low with my fatwas." "Three associates grouped." "Who's getting billed?" "Oh, get over yourself, Carl." "You want something?" "Yes, Whitney." "Shirley needs a second chair." "Oh, thank you so much for volunteering." "–I didn't." "Ah, but you did." "They're waiting for you." "Great." "Do I need to find something for you to do?" "I don't scare." "Of all the ridiculous, outrageous, preposterous cases you've brought before me, this one takes the prize." "Well, thank you, your honor." "We love prizes." "And it should be said, when we get the ridiculous, outrageous, preposterous cases, we immediately think of you." "Though I must say, uh, the most ridiculous part of this case is, it's actually not." "What's your cause of action?" "Well, your honor, my client had an expectation of services from the national guard, services which they did not provide." "We're in a war, for God's sake." "And if the war or anything else rendered them incapable of providing services at home, how about a little notice?" "Tell the people they're on their own." "My client could've taken precautions." "He might have purchased flood insurance." "As it was, to his detriment, he relied on the idea that the national guard would be there for him." "They weren't." "He lost his business, his life's work." "Mr Shore, you have brought many un-american cases into my courtroom, but this, this is— –Outrageous, yes." "So is the fact that when my client needed the national guard, uh, they were nowhere to be found." "I take that back." "They could be found in Iraq." "–You listen to me." "–With both ears." "This court will reconvene at 2:00." "I will listen to your proffer of exactly what your case is." "If it's as baseless as I expect it to be..." "As you keep an open mind." "I will jail both you and Mr Crane for contempt." "Me?" "What did I do?" "These are serious, serious charges here— stealing tests, vandalism, destruction of school property." "I could report her to the district attorney." "I understand, and we're all very grateful that you haven't." "I was also hoping that your understanding might extend to a reconsideration of Marlena's expulsion." "But just in case, she came armed with attorneys." "My granddaughter is very contrite." "What I don't understand— she's always been a model student, well-behaved." "She spends one year abroad, and she comes back a monster." "What happened, Marlena?" "Well, when I was studying in England," "I just realized how pathetic this school is... sort of... and how you don't really teach us anything, and that made me angry." "Add to that how stupid the idea of these standardized tests are, and... well, I..." "I wanted to shred you." "but I realized that would be taking it too far, so I settled for the test... sort of." "Her contrition aside, the expulsion stands." "Excuse me." "Can I be the voice of reason here?" "Ms Schmidt may be a little to close— it's her granddaughter— and you, being the one who feels insulted... may I just make a neutral observation?" "Okay." "If we have to go to court, we will, and we'll embarrass your sorry ass." "My advice would be to take this girl back now so that we don't have to sue you and put the whole public school system on trial for raising a nation of idiots." "Is that helpful?" "Fine." "Make me the bad guy." "I tried to help—" "Yeah, by antagonizing him." "I did not antagonize." "I threatened." "Okay?" "Everyone has a style." "–Yeah, well, yours isn't working." "She's facing expulsion." "–Why is she in public school anyway?" "–Oh, shut up." "Sounds like it went well." "Yeah." "Ask grammy." "Shirley... um, this obviously sounds like a bad time, but..." "But what?" "I'm considering going back to New York." "I, uh..." "I don't understand." "Is it— is it something about me?" "No." "I love you." "Then..." "I'm not doing anything here." "You brought me in to restore a little order in the litigation department." "Well, I'm failing, Shirley, rather miserably, in fact." "In my very short tenure, we've represented clients for cock fighting, bull fighting, solicitation of a female prostitute— that being a senior partner, solicitation of a male prostitute— the same senior partner who we also defended in a civil suit after he fired a fat girl" "because he didn't want to catch obesity." "We routinely bring the most ridiculous of lawsuits." "Today we have one against the national guard." "This is nuts." "And what's the problem?" "I don't know... how to manage this." "What's more, I don't really think you want it managed." "I think you like this..." "this whatever it is." "Can't you just sort of... seize the day?" "If I can't feel... like I'm bringing anything to what seems to be very much a party," "I'll never be happy." "You bring a lot to me." "That's not enough." "Well, I..." "I guess that says it all, doesn't it?" "Let me get this straight, you want me to enjoin a high school expulsion." "Yes, your honor, on the grounds that a harmless act of civil disobedience shouldn't warrant expulsion, certainly not in this case." "And suppose every kid wanted to hijack and shred tests, then scatter them over the principal's office?" "Well, I suspect most kids wouldn't dare do that for fear of jeopardizing their college careers." "In fact, most kids are so desperate to get into college, they're willing to completely forsake learning just to get there." "Ms Hoffman, take the stand, please." "Is this how it's going to be, katie?" "I have to look over one shoulder for an ex-husband, the other to see what you're up to?" "Oh, I was just daydreaming." "That's all." "Daydreaming, about what?" "Well, my wedding day, if you must know." "Girls do that." "What kind of ceremony, the dress, that sort of thing." "What was your dress like, Lorraine?" "A lot of lace." "What color was it?" "I only ask because pakistani tradition would be a red dress, and since your husband is orthodox enough to believe in fatwas..." "Did you wear red, Lorraine?" "As water continued to pour in, 27 fire departments from 7 counties worked throughout the night with sandbags, all to no avail as more than 33,000 people were displaced from either their homes or businesses, all of them angry, all singing the same refrain—" "where was the national guard?" "We all know where they were." "In Iraq, fighting a war." "And in times of war, we make sacrifices, Mr Shore." "Yes, but this military branch has domestic responsibilities as well, judge." "The governor declared a state of emergency, and they were gone." "And it isn't just the troops that are in Iraq, by the way, but much of the national guard's equipment as well." "And what most people don't know— we just leave it there." "We don't bring it back." "–We're in a state of— –War, yes." "We're in a post "mission accomplished" surge that general Petræus says is going very well and that our president has assured us all the next president, good luck to him or her— might even figure a way out of—" "All you do is bitch." "This time you've gone too far." "You are just one minute away from a jail cell, Mr Shore." "Uh, your honor, my point— we're not getting services at home." "The people in New Orleans didn't after Katrina, my client didn't here, and by the way, I don't think I'm that much of a complainer given all there is to complain about— education, social security, inflation, unemployment, health care, homeland security, the war," "the fact that Osama and Britney keep pumping out new videos." "There's global warming." "Nothing, nothing is going right, judge." "And you simply cannot put a positive spin on it no matter how many times you say general Petræus." "30 seconds from a jail cell." "This war has cost us $450 billion and still counting." "Add to that the Afghanistan invasion, it goes up to $650 billion." "Add all the indirect costs, it goes up to $2 trillion." "20 seconds!" "Let's just consider what the $450 billion we've spent in Iraq could buy us." "How about free health insurance for every uninsured family— $124 billion." "Convert every single car to run on ethanol—$68 billion." "Primary education for every child on the planet— all of them— $30 billion." "Hey, end hunger in America— $7 billion." "You are not an accountant!" "No, I'm a town crier, judge." "We have to talk about the cost of this war in terms of human lives— it's in the thousands." "And by that I mean american soldiers since the Pentagon doesn't seem to count Iraqis, but that's a small point." "The actual cost is much, much more." "Suing our government, suing a branch of the— of the military in a time of war cannot help but add to it." "No." "Your case against the national guard is dismissed." "The bailiff will take Mr Shore and Mr Crane into custody and lock them up for contempt of court and country." "I've got my own." "Those pinch." "In England, in school with the british kids," "I looked like a complete ignoramus." "Oh, my God." "Uh, they knew more about everything than I did." "They knew my country's history better." "They could find places on the map that I couldn't." "And you blame your high school back home for this?" "Well, I came back here and I started to do a little research." "Did you know there's a study that found one-third of young adults in the U.S." "can't tell you which way northwest is?" "Okay, but let's be fair." "You can." "Well, that's not much of a consolation." "Less than 40% of high school seniors can read proficiently." "That's pathetic." "And these standardized tests— oh, my God." "So you decided to shred them." "Eldridge Cleaver said,"you're either part of the solution, or part of the problem."" "I learned that in England, by the way." "You committed a crime." "I took action to ensure my right to be provided a quality education, as promised by the Massachusetts state constitution and the education reform act of 1993." "Did they tell you to say that in England?" "No, they said claim executive privilege." "The tests you shredded, young lady, are specifically designed, in part, to identify which schools need which improvements in which areas, the very goals that—" "Judge, the data on these tests is so fudged." "In Mississippi, for example, the national test showed that only 18% of kids could read proficiently." "So what did they do?" "They made a special Mississippi test that showed 89% were proficient, and presto, they avoid sanctions from "no child left behind."" "So the answer is shredding the tests." "If the choice comes down to teach the test or shred it," "I vote shred it." "Oh, my God." "Why is nobody coming for us?" "Where are our significant others?" "Denny, we're our significant others." "Oh, yeah." "I didn't like it when he said that all I do is bitch." "Well, you do complain a lot." "But this wasn't trivial, Denny." "I mean, think of it, this country is utterly ill-equipped to deal with national emergencies because we're too busy imposing democracies elsewhere." "In Katrina, a lot of experts could see it coming with those levees, and we didn't do anything." "And when they broke, we couldn't respond, just like we lack the manpower to respond to the flood here." "Isn't there something wrong with that?" "The roof's leaking at home, and we're reshingling abroad." "Oh, thank you, God." "Lorraine." "I don't want to be let out." "Just let her in." "Please." "Be sure to lock it." "I need to talk to you in private." "Well, that could be difficult." "Not at all." "People talk like I'm not in the room all the time." "What I hear, I won't remember." "It's about my past." "My past." "You— you have a past?" "Denny, please." "Katie..." "Whitney... the wagons are circling." "Katie tumbled to the idea that I was English, and now she's—" "You're english?" "Yes, Denny." "I am." "I suspect you find that rather exotic." "Oh, I love the english." "I had a thing with the Queen once on top of a xerox machine." "She's an animal." "Ever since then, I've carried this around." "She is out-of-her-mind happy there, trust me." "Lorraine, what's going on?" "I first told Katie I was married to a pakistani who put a fatwa on me, hence my need for secrecy." "A fatwa?" "I was trying to throw her off." "She didn't buy it." "What the hell is she talking about?" "Denny, when Lorraine was in her early 20s, she ran a business, a service." "She was known throughout England as "the Piccadilly Madam."" "My dream come true... you're a hooker." "–No." "She never performed services." "She just arranged for escorts." "And Katie knows?" "Not yet, but— I don't know what to do." "It's only a matter of time." "She keeps saying I look familiar, she's watching every—" "A hooker with a fatwa." "Lorraine, you've always known this would eventually surface." "My advice would be to go forward to Shirley Schmidt now." "You be the one to tell her." "And then what?" "I doubt very much they'll have use for an associate who once ran a prostitution ring." "I would." "One thing about Shirley, she surprises." "My bet is this is something you could live down." "We've been bad, too." "Do you have any of those nannies that spank?" "You might not live it down today." "Hey." "Hey." "Come in." "I've been thinking a lot about what you said." "Carl... your coming here to manage this place, while not a pretext, I think we both know... you're mostly here because we wanted to be together." "Has that changed on your side?" "No." "But, Shirley, I can't deny my... esteem is somewhat bound up in my... feeling of worth at my job." "I'm not feeling..." "I mean, the things that go on here are just..." "Oh, Carl, come on." "Strip away the eccentricities, and at its core, this is just like any other firm." "I do apologize for intruding." "Alan and Denny have been incarcerated on contempt charges." "They wanted me to convey as much." "They're being held indefinitely." "Why are you speaking in that accent?" "Because I'm from England, Shirley." "I owned and operated a brothel during my late teens and early 20s." "After being arrested, I reached a deal with the authorities whereby I would not be prosecuted if I agreed to disappear." "My clients included a member of the royal family as well as several high-ranking members of parliament, so no extradition is being sought." "I assumed a new identity, moved to America and attended law school as Lorraine Weller, which is now my legal name." "I tell you all of this in the spirit of no surprises." "This is in the spirit of no surprises?" "Yeah, you know, I'm sorry, you were right, Shirley." "Just like any other firm." "People out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our, uh— education, like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as," "and I believe that they should, uh... our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S." "Or— or should help South Africa, and it should help the Iraq and the asian countries." "In that young woman's defense, she's actually quite intelligent." "She was just thrown by the question and got nervous." "Yeah, I was thrown by the question, too." "A fifth of Americans can't find the United States on the map?" "Is that true?" "Objection." "This witness works at the National Geographic." "She has no—" "The National Geographic has done two studies to determine the geographic literacy of young Americans." "Isn't that right?" "–Yes." "Could you give us the results, please?" "I sobbed, big heaving sobs, where your shoulders go up and down." "Uh, the results of the rest, not your reaction to it." "Half couldn't locate New York state on a U.S. map." "Even after Katrina, one-third couldn't show you Louisiana." "The Pacific ocean?" "Goose egg from 29%." "The Pacific ocean, for God's sakes." "And where's Japan?" "58% don't know." "England?" "Head-scratcher for 69%." "Did you survey the geographic literacy of young adults in other countries?" "–Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Sweden, England..." "–How did we do, comparatively?" "Second to last." "We beat Mexico." "May I be excused?" "No, get a grip." "Were any of the young Americans surveyed products of a Massachusetts public school?" "No." "I've been thinking about how much I criticize the government." "Yet what do I do for the government?" "Oh, Alan, you're a democrat." "You're expected to complain and offer no solutions." "I'm gonna join the national guard." "Very funny." "I'm serious." "I won't contribute to the war effort, but there's gotta be something else I can do." "Like what?" "I don't know, maybe help prevent somebody's pizza parlor from being washed away." "I'm letting you go for one consideration... that I never see you again." "Ever." "We've decided to join the national guard." "Are you in?" "Come on, Denny." ""Ask not what your country can do for you."" "Think they'll let me shoot somebody?" "I don't see why not." "–I'm sorry, but I'm afraid neither of you can join." "–Why not?" "Well, the maximum age is 42." "I'm very sorry." "But thank you for thinking of your country." "42?" "Why?" "Well, that's just the way it is, sir." "But thank you for thinking of your country." "That's just the way it is." "That should be the way it isn't." "We both have skills." "We have a lot to offer." "I'm sorry, sir." "But thank you—" "Never mind that the army is deplete for God's sake, you're completely out of bodies." "We're able bodies." "We're still strong and fit." "My ass hasn't even dropped." "You can volunteer with the V.A." "They have, uh, many programs that work with us on disaster relief." "I would the recommend the U.S.O." "The U.S.O.?" "They just sing and dance and tell jokes, don't they?" "They do a lot more than that, sir." "But thank you for think— –Okay, first of all— and please don't thank us anymore— your age limits are obsolete." "Doctors today have developed "real age" assessment tools that prove people can be much younger than the years reflected on their birth certificate." "We exercise, we get a lot of fiber, we have sex." "A lot of sex." "Things have changed." "Chris Chelios is 45." "He's an all-star defenseman in the national hockey league." "Are you saying you'd turn him down?" "Roger Clemens— he wouldn't qualify?" "He's a traitor." "Well, okay." "I mean physically, Denny." "I'm sorry, but thank you for thinking of your c—" "Now stop it." "You need men." "We could take steroids." "Are you seriously telling us there's nothing we can contribute?" "We can't drive a plow in a snowstorm?" "Well, perhaps you can help recruit soldiers for the national guard." "–We don't want to recruit." "–We want to shoot people." "–Well, I don't want to shoot anybody." "–I want to shoot people." "But I can perform services, some—" "–The maximum age is 42 unless you've got previous military service." "–I do." "And even then, 75 is too old." "Look..." "I've tried being nice, I've thanked you." "Now I need you to leave." "And if we don't?" "What, you're gonna call in your last troop to remove us?" "I'll have you arrested." "Come on, Alan." "Let's go to Canada." "We all wish our public schools were better." "Personally, I'm a math teacher in addition to being a principal." "Math is very dear to me." "And?" "Well, U.S. students scored lower in math than those in France, Germany, Japan, Canada." "But I will say, the Massachusetts '06 graduating class posted the highest A.C.T. math scores of any state." "And our state graduation rate far exceeds the national average." "You heard her say she felt behind the kids in England." "England has problems, too." "Researchers found that half the teenagers in England thought there were about a hundred members of parliament." "Those kids are about 500 off for the House of Commons alone." "England isn't all get-out." "So where do your own kids go?" "The Groton academy." "That's a private school." "Yes." "Look, I'm not going to sit here and deny that our public schools have problems." "But that doesn't give her the right to shred tests." "Do you believe in these standardized tests?" "Not really." "But you use them all the same." "I don't really have a choice, not if we want to have any kind of federal funding." "Ah, the money." "Why stick to your values when there's cash at stake?" "Hey, do you want my job?" "You make it sound hard." "No, uh, no, it's not hard at all." "I've got veteran teachers retiring, younger teachers jumping ship by the droves, no one to put in their place." "I can't pay them." "So basically you're failing as a principal." "I'm failing?" "Yes, you just admitted that." "Do you know what the teacher attrition rate costs this country annually?" "$7 billion." "–Here we go." "Meanwhile, we waste $600 million on these assessment exams to prove our annual yearly progress to the "no child left behind" nazis so they won't sanction us or fire us." "Give me the $7 billion that goes down the toilet, and maybe I can make better schools." "–Jason—" "Better yet, how about the federal government actually coming through with some of the funds they promised the states to put their "no child left behind" mandates in place?" "–Jason— –I'm the one that's a failure." "Yeah, no." "It— it's the principals." "Jason!" "So what do they plan to do now?" "I have no idea." "I was never charged with a crime, but I'm sure I violated some morals clause." "Plus, I'm an at-will employee, so..." "I'm so sorry, Lorraine." "I never intended for you to lose your job." "I just..." "–Knew something was up." "Katie, still looking for something to do?" "An idle brain's the devil's playground." "Am I right, Lorraine?" "What part of "I never want to see you again" did you not understand?" "Uh, no, your honor." "We're here for something else entirely." "After you inspired us to do something, we went to the national guard to join up, and they turned us down." "So now I'm here to bitch about that." "You're too old for the national guard." "Maybe for combat, but surely there must be other ways we can contribute." "And even if we were of age, it turns out you can only join the national guard if you're willing to be deployed in the war." "Apparently they don't allow you to enlist only to serve domestically." "Well, there's a reason for that." "If people had the choice to serve domestically, they'd do so, in which case, we'd lose our backdoor draft and not have enough poor people to fight our war." "Yes, even so, the national guard is utterly depleted, and here we are, ready, willing and able." "Uh, Denny Crane and Alan Shore reporting for duty, sir, ready to serve our country." "Oh, for God's sake." "Look, I agree." "It seems stupid that in a time when we're desperate for more troops, we're excluding people on age or sexual orientation or reasons that have nothing to do with job performance." "It even seems..." "You can say it." "Outrageous." "But a superior court judge cannot set military policy." "I admire your motives, Mr Shore." "But this case is dismissed, too." "There's always the boy scouts, though I expect you'd have to be young and straight to get in there, too." "So we can't serve our country?" "Our country doesn't want us." "Marlena Hoffman committed a trespass, destroyed property, shredded tests." "Of course the school appropriately expelled her." "This was not an exercise in free speech." "It was an act of vandalism." "Uh, imagine the anarchy we'd see if they didn't expel her." "We love anarchy." "American history started with the revolution, and let's not forget the Boston Tea Party." "Is there potential for abuses?" "Of course." "We've seen it." "But we're bouncing this girl for shredding tests?" "Tests which are printed in tremendous bulk, by the way." "I-I might argue harmless error." "You're actually defending her act, counsel?" "No, judge." "I am not." "She took it too far." "But so is the school taking it too far with this expulsion." "Your honor, it is indisputable that our educational system is in trouble." "34% of fourth graders cannot read at a basic level— this in the United States." "What is happening to this country?" "It's not enough to wonder, where have all the teachers gone?" "But where are they coming from?" "This "no child left behind" act, we've got to get rid of it." "It's leaving our kids behind." "Marlena Hoffman destroyed school property." "She committed an act of vandalism." "But she also engaged in one of the noblest, most historically acceptable forms of patriotism— protest." "In a day of unparalleled student apathy, where undergrads either don't care or have simply given up, this is not the kid we should be kicking out." "Here's an idea that's being kicked around." ""The rapid response reserve corps"— it'll focus on disaster relief." "This could be exactly what we're— –No, I already saw that." "It says you have to be retired military or national guard personnel." "I'm retired military." "Do we get to shoot people?" "–No." "Keep looking." "Uh, what about the Red Cross?" "Hate needles." "Or the Peace Corps?" "Pro-peace." "You know, I can't get over the irony." "A long time ago, I was with Shirley Schmidt, and now I'm old enough to be with her granddaughter." "Oh, my God." "You are, like, too ick for words." "What's going on?" "We're researching what military branch to join." "They want to be one of the few, the proud, the old." "I got it." "I got it." ""United states coast guard auxiliary, a volunteer component of the coast guard, no age limit."" "–Guns?" "–Probably depth charges, Denny." "Let's go." "I get seasick, but whatever." "Wh-where are they off to?" "They've gone to join the Coast Guard." "Happens at a lot of firms." "Got a second?" "Okay." "Notwithstanding what appears to be a prostitution theme and the occasional associate... turning out to be a fugitive from a foreign country and, well, name partners dashing off to join the coast guard... if you look behind most of the lunacy that goes on in this place," "you'll, more times than not, find something else... an idea or a question, one that's worth exploring or debating." "I'm not claiming a method to all our madness, but... an idea, Carl..." "that is something." "I... think I know that." "You think you know that." "Then why..." "I..." "I'm starting to..." "like it here." "That really scares me." "W-well, what about me?" "Given... how much I'm falling in love with you, combined with your history of going through men like tic tacs, that scares me, too." "Carl, I-I know you've never before done what I'm about to ask you to do, but can you just go with it?" "I don't know." "Can you try?" "Yes." "I guess..." "I can try." "Okay, so gross." "Uh, the judge just called us back." "I certainly believe any school has the right to expel a student who destroys school property." "But shredding a test, let's face it, we're not talking about a lot of vandalism here." "There's a lot more where these came from." "And the controversy surrounding the efficacy of these tests is—" "Oh, my God." "I totally feel it swinging my way." "Can I finish?" "Ms Hoffman, you have my admiration for caring." "But you also deserve punishment for how you demonstrated your concern." "I find a suspension is warranted." "An expulsion is not." "And we're adjourned." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, thank you, grammy, so much." "Oh, you're welcome, Marlena." "You know, um, I read this study." "People actually get kind of a-a buzz from being a benefactor, like it actually makes them want to do more for the person they just helped." "How weird is that?" "Anyway... could I have an afterschool job?" "Wouldn't it just be awesome to have me around every day?" "T-totally." "Let's go." "You know... it's against Coast Guard policy to drink while in uniform." "Denny, these aren't real." "We rented them at the costume shop." "Even so, if we don't behave ourselves, we'll never pass the background check." "We'll get in." "You and I were meant for the Coast Guard." "Oh, we're gonna be in the military." "Already my penis feels bigger." "You know, you would think with everything going wrong these days volunteerism would be down in this country, but it's actually up, way up." "Well, of course it is." "That's the beauty of incompetent government." "People know they have to fend for themselves." "That was his plan all along." "He hatched it with rove." "That was Bush's plan?" "Damn right." "He's a lot smarter than people give him credit for." "Act like an idiot for eight years, then people step up and volunteer." "It's brilliant." "He didn't need to send us to war." "I was convinced enough with the way he spoke the english language." "Oh, Alan." "Alan, Alan, Alan." "You need to look at the big picture here." "Which is?" "How do you nuke Iran and Iraq without starting a world war?" "You claim it was an accident." "Who else but george W. could pull that off?" "Except maybe me." "–You?" "Yeah, I would claim it was the, uh, mad cow." "Denny, if you were president, seriously, you would nuke Iraq and Iran?" "Before breakfast." "–Then what, North Korea?" "–Okay." "–Pakistan?" "–Why not?" "–Afghanistan?" "–If there's time." "This is the uniform talking." "You wouldn't blow up anybody." "Oh, really?" "No." "You're all talk." "Under all your bravado, you're a nice guy with a big heart." "Women love men in uniform." "Imagine being Denny Crane and in uniform." "There goes my penis again." "Every time I think that life can't get any better... we're in the military, we have an in-house hooker." "She's not a hooker." "With a fajita, you say?" "Fatwa, and that was made up." "Denny, if they try to fire Lorraine, you need to stand up for her." "She could be in for some trouble." "Well, I'll stand up for her if she'll lie down for me." "You and I need to consider the less fortunate." "Look how good life has been to us." "Yeah." "So good." "I need a tank." "Do you think they'll issue me a tank?" "I don't think the Coast Guard has tanks." "I'd look good in one." "Admit it." "Oh, my God." "The image of it— Denny Crane in a tank." "♫ over there" "♫ over there" "♫ send the word, send the word" "♫ over there" "♫ that the yanks are coming..."