"The boys can leave their shoes in the kitchen." "All right?" "Yeah, all right, John." "Hello, Mavis." "All right?" "That's it." "Leave your shoes there." "You, too, Mark." "That's right, Barbara, under the radiator." " That's it, Colin." " That's a good boy." "You can take your coat off now." " Can you manage?" " 'Course he can." " Can I take your coat, Mark?" " No." "I'm wearing it." "As you will." " Mark." "Shoes off." " Yes, Auntie Barbara." "Good boys, aren't we?" " You all right, Mavis?" " Don't call me Mavis." "Look at your jeans!" " It's mud." " I can see that." "I'll pop upstairs and put my shoes on." "Out my way." "What you been doing?" " Nothing." " Look at your trousers!" " It's mud." " I can see it's mud!" " How will I get them clean?" " Wash 'em." "You make a fuss about taking shoes off..." "When I've done this." " Someone could trip on that." " All right." "Relax." "I am relaxed, thank you." "Get down." " No." " You'll break it." " Good." " You can pay for it." "What do you care?" "What are you up to, Mavis?" " It's done now." " Go and sit down." "I just done them!" "This tray's not for tea - it's my morning coffee tray." "Down from there, Mark, please." "Yes, Uncle John." "Can I give you a hand with the tables?" "Yes, please." "We'll put them all out." "Don't worry, Frank." "Tea up soon." " Mind yourself." " There you go, Frank." " I'll pass this to you." " OK, Barbara." " All right." " Oops, careful." "No, leave that, Mavis." "It's pointless without the milk." " I'll get it from the kitchen." " No, sit down." "I'll get it." "Mavis!" "Get out of my way." "You're getting on my nerves now." "Come on, give me that." "Pour it into the jug so we can serve it up nicely." "That lawn needs a trim." " Weren't you getting a canopy?" " Patio." "Oh, yeah." "Patio." "What happened, then?" "We thought about patio doors, but I fancy a picture window myself." " A what?" " Picture window." "No wood." "Straight down to the floor." "Lots of light and space." "Just one big pane." "That's the in-thing now, is it?" " I don't know." "I like it." " Well, it's your money." " That's right." " Do you get many burglars here?" "No..." "Touch wood." " See what's on TV." " It's a doddle, this house." "Why, are you casing the joint?" " It ain't worth it." " Listen to the master criminal!" " Goodbye kiss, Mark?" " All right, then." "Oh, charming!" "You'll kiss me, won't you?" "I've got something for you." "Here's a treat for the way home." " Now what you giving him?" " Marshmallows." "I think mum's feeling better." " I don't know." " We'll visit her next week, eh?" " Nice seeing you, Mavis." " Ta." " See you Christmas." " I'll look forward to that." " Drive careful, eh?" " OK." "See ya." "One, two, three, four!" "Let's do something adventurous for the Gillespies this year." "They don't like anything adventurous." "Look what happened with the fondue." " Could do steak again?" " No, chops." "Can't give 'em chops." "They can have chops any time." "Well, you choose." "He's your boss." "I doubt she can taste it, the rate she shovels it down." " Are we friends now?" " What d'you mean?" "You've had a face as long as a poker." "I haven't much time for Mavis's family." "I haven't much time for your boss and his fat wife." "At least they aren't rude when they come here." "Who's been rude to you today, apart from Frank?" " Mark." " Mark's not rude." "You don't appreciate his sense of humour." "What sense of humour?" "He's immature." "Colin wouldn't say boo to a goose." "Colin's just retarded." "He is NOT retarded." "He's just never been given a chance." "You could be a good influence on those boys." " Me?" " Yeah." "They're not MY responsibility." "They've got to stand on their own feet." "I want to redecorate this room." "It's depressing." "Did you know the last time we won the Grand Slam was 1956?" " Was it?" " Mmm." "Have you left it at home?" " Where d'you normally keep it?" " Pocket." " Which pocket?" " Trousers." "What's your name?" " Colin." " Surname." " Pollock." " Pollock." "Initials?" "What's your middle name?" " Richard." " Address?" "111 Bryant Court, Western Road, London E2." "Write your name on this piece of paper." " Do mine while you're waiting." " You wait your turn." " I wasn't queue jumping." " I didn't say that." " Just saving time." " I'm not in a hurry." "Are you?" "Yes, I am." "Sign that." "Make sure you find that card." "We'll have to make you another one." "It just makes more work for us." " Take care of it." " We don't want a lecture." "What business is it of yours?" "I'm talking to him." "Thank you." "Can I have my pen?" "You're his father?" "Done any work in the past two weeks?" "I asked you a question." "Of course I haven't." "Have you got kids?" "I beg your pardon?" "What you trying to do, eh?" "Done any work in the past two weeks?" "Yeah." "Been working for the police." "Giving them information about various robberies... and murders." "No, this week I'm spying on dole office workers." "Determining their movements in the afternoon." "You don't make our job any easier, you know?" "We're not talking about your job, it's our jobs!" " Can I have my pen?" " OUR pen." "Whoa, no." "What is it, suss?" "How you going, all right?" "I hope so." "See ya later." " See ya, mate." " See ya later." "There you are, Coxy." " I can't get through." " 'Ere y'are." "Gis a drop." "Come on." "I pissed in it." " Good." " Lovely, innit?" " Give us a quid." " Nah." " Why not?" " You won't pay me back." "I will!" "Shut up!" "Where we going, then?" "Steak house." "Which one?" " That one." " Where's "that one"?" " It's over there." " Where's "over there"?" "Up Jack's arse and round the corner." " You're really thick, you are." " I ain't as thick as you." "No one's as thick as me." "You're thick..." "I'm 'ard." "That's right, innit?" "Come on, Samson." "Oi!" " What a waste, eh?" " On me 'ead." "Don't flob at me." "Everybody was kung fu fighting" "It's a Colt.45, innit?" "Where's this meant to be?" " Mars..." "Supposed to be red." " That's what I thought." "Look at that." "Always between the sheets." "Spend half their bleeding' lives in bed." "What's the time?" "Time you got a watch." " Leave it out!" " Turn it off." " Twenty-five to seven." " Colin!" "'Bout time you came home with that Caribbean holiday!" " Got any money?" " No." "What's the matter, have you blown all yours?" " What's it to do with you?" " It's my house, that's what." "It's mine an' all." " It's NOT." " I live 'ere." " Don't we know it!" " I pay rent." "Let's see your giro next Tuesday, no messing." "So you're skint?" " You want money, earn it." " Like you?" " I've done my stint." " What, on the never-never?" " What's that supposed to mean?" " You own nothing!" " 'Course I do." " What?" " You're sat on half of it." " This chair?" "How can it be half a three-piece suit?" "Always gotta have the chat." "You don't own this chair, this flat, nothing!" "Not enough legs on it." " Seen Michelle?" " What?" " Michelle." " Michelle who?" " You know..." "Michelle." " No, I ain't seen her." "All right, thanks." "3 and 7... 37." "2 and 6... 26." "1 and 6... 16." "8-0... 80." "7 and 5... 75." "All the 8s... 88." "8 and 9... 89." "By itself, number 4." "4 and 3... 43." "1-0... 10." "1 and 5... 15." "By itself, number 7." " 2 and 5..." " Here!" "Oi... wally!" "What's up with him?" "He's taken a Bostick strangler." " Done a bag of Evo'." " He'll kill himself." "S'all right." " Get us a drink." " Leave off." "You've got money." " What d'you want?" " A pint of Babycham." " You'll get a slap." " You reckon?" " Oh, I'm frightened!" " You look it." " I'll get me brother onto you." " Leave it out." "Here, why don't you get him one?" "Get him a lemonade." " He might not want one." " That's all right, innit?" "It is, innit?" "Oi, cheerful." " Want a drink?" " Nah, I'm all right." "Get her a Scotch." " Oi, mate." "D'you wanna drink?" " Yeah." "Piss off, you black bastard..." "I'm only joking." " Wanna pint of lager?" " Yeah." " Two pints of lager, luv." " Three!" "You ain't getting one cos you're an ugly bastard." "Ug-ly!" "Whoo!" "Get out an' walk." "See ya later, boys." "Where you been?" "Go down the pub?" "I went down the pub." "Did ya?" "Nah, I went UP the pub, muppet!" "Went to see a dog about a man." "Where?" "I've been to work." " You ain't got a job." " I have." "Working for the organisation." "£10 a night, three nights a week." "Liar!" "Don't call me a liar." "You don't even know what it is." "I'll get you a job if you lick my arse, Kermit." " Don't call me that." " How's Miss Piggy lately?" "'Course I been down the pub." "Guess who was there?" "She really likes ya..." "Hayley." "You know the bird I mean, don't ya?" "Quasimodo's daughter." "She loves intelligent people!" "Gis a fag." "One for me and one for Ron..." "later-ron." "Ma-na ma-na" "Ma-na ma-na, /manama, manama, manama" "Manama nama na na na-na nahh" "Turn the light out, Kermit." "Frank, come here." "It won't open." "What won't, your mouth?" "Look, I'm the only one who does anything here!" " Can't I have five minutes?" " It's stuck." " What d'you do?" " Push that and the door opens." " You try that?" " That's economy wash." "All right, all right." "Buggered, innit?" "You'll have to tell 'em." " Who?" " Where you got it." " What'll I say?" " Take it back." "We've had it three years." "Mind, Mark." " You paid for it?" " What d'you mean?" " I mean is it our own?" " I've paid enough!" " Then you've paid for it!" " I don't know." " That's handy!" " Dynamite it!" "You haven't paid for it." "I haven't paid for all of it." "You paid for the door and that bit don't work." " Get a new one." " Who asked you, Colin Pollock?" "Tell you what." "Get a goldfish and stick it in where you put the powder." "I wonder how much new ones are?" " Goldfish?" " Nah, piranhas." "Colin, stop talking." "Come in here." " You try." " What?" "Opening the door!" " Boot it!" " Get out!" "Why don't you go down the launderette, Mavis?" "Don't call me Mavis." "I ain't going there." "It's filthy." "Now..." "Colin, are you listening to me?" "Yeah." "That's a washing machine, that's a dryer." " I know." " I'm just tellin' ya." "Now, mind your head." "Put 10p in and turn the knob." "Put another 10p in..." "turn the knob again." "When that stops, put the washing in there and bring it home." " Don't mess up." " Can I have some fag money?" " What d'you want that for?" " Cigarettes." " Get your own." " I ain't got no money." "Doing the washing for your mum?" "Yeah." " Broke down, didn't it?" " What?" " Washing machine." " You got one in your house?" " Yeah." " Have ya?" "Yeah." " You been messin' with it?" " No." "What you been doing?" " Nothing." " Ain't you been out?" " No." " Just stayed in?" "Yeah." " Did ya?" " Yeah." " Are you going out?" " When?" "Dunno, tonight." "I dunno." "I ain't got no money." " I have." " Have ya?" "Yeah." "Where d'you get it from?" "Nowhere." "What, did you nick it?" "No." "All right?" "Dobbin." "He's mad, your brother." " Keeping an eye on you, then?" " No." "I saw Yvette Saturday." "Did ya?" "Where?" " The market." " What's she doing?" "She's got a little boy." " Is she married?" " Yeah." "I don't know what he's like..." "Must be stupid." "He's a nice little boy, though." " What'd she call him?" " Darren." "What you calling yours?" " Going out?" " No." " Where?" " New York, I'm flying." "You ain't coming with me, right?" "Ooh, tasty, tasty, /very, very tasty..." "All right, 13 in the corner." "Take the free ball." " D'you wanna drink?" " Nah, it's all right." "Go on, have one." " Yeah, all right, then." " Colin, get Hayley a drink." "Nice one, Dobbin." "What?" " Oi!" "Oi, it's your go." " I'll take his shot." "You're on spots." " What d'you want?" " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " Half a lager and lime, please." "Oi." "Oi, Colin." "You're a wally." " He beat you." " Oh, skills!" "Jammy bastard." "Taught me everything I know." "I taught him everything he knows." "Is that why he don't know nothing?" " Gis a kiss." " No." "Go on." "Whoa!" "He's a rude boy, Hayley." "Going on your holidays this year?" " No." " Why not?" " Just not." " What about your mum?" " She's going to Spain." " Why don't you go with her?" "I don't wanna." "She's all right, ain't she?" " What's the matter?" " Nothing." "Don't you like me or something?" "What about my brother?" "Do ya like him?" "He likes you." "Have you ever read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?" "Eh?" "See ya." "Kermit." "See ya." "Look at that, sixteen years old!" "Schoolgirl - showing her all in a paper." " Gis a look." " It's yesterday's." "I don't read that." "She's got nothing to show anyway." "Well, there's steam coming out your ears!" "Typical of your generation." "Try making a phone call round here." "You gotta walk miles to find a box that ain't vandalised." "Why, you got her number, Frank?" "Gis it." "You think I'd go for a little scrubber like that?" "No, only for decent women!" "Married man I am." "I know my place." "Stick to the straight and narrow." " You wouldn't understand that." " Wouldn't I?" "I tell you, you get a slut into trouble, don't ask me for help." "You can talk, Frank." " You what?" " Look at me." "Born in wedlock you was, right and proper." "Only just." "See ya later, Dad." "Oi!" "Oi, prat!" "Got a fag?" "What, do I light it on me arse or somethin'?" " Where are you off to?" " Nowhere." " Been playing out?" " No." "You talking to me or chewing a brick?" "Either way, you lose your teeth." " Come on." " Where you going?" "See Hayley." " I pressed it." " What?" "I pressed it." "All right." "You all right?" "I'm all white... you all white?" "I'm going down." "You shit?" " No." " Well, I ain't." " Funny, ain't it?" " Eh?" " B..." "C..." " Don't fuck with me!" " Don't point, it's rude." " Yer rass." "What's he say?" "I don't understand 'em." "You is an idiot." " I ain't an idiot." " Eh?" " You are." " What?" "A bleeding' idiot." "Oi, wanna hear a joke?" "What's the difference between a coon..." "Fuck off!" "Come, if you think you're bad." "You dirty rass, you." " I'll have you!" " C'mon, then!" " Get cancer." " Yer rass." "Yo!" "C'mon." " Hi." " Is your mum in?" "No." "D'you wanna come in?" "Oi, wally." "Come in, then..." "Come on!" " All right?" " All right, Rusty?" " I just had a bet." " What on?" " On a llama race." " What?" " They race llamas, you know?" " No!" "You're winding me up!" " No, they do." " Where?" " Race 'em in Egypt." " Yeah?" " Have live satellite coverage." " Nah!" "You're all right, you are." "I like ya." "You're a right tasty geezer..." "You're my mate." "We're mates." "We're one of the lads." "You wanna get one of these." "It's better than that thing." "Look like a mod in that." "Get one of these." "A pair of Doc Martins." "Looks like an 'ard nut, don't he?" " How much?" " What?" " Doc Martins." " Twenty quid." " You got twenty quid?" " Might have." "In your dreams!" "You ain't got twenty pence." "D'you mind getting your boots off the sofa, Cox?" "What you looking at?" " Nothing." " You screwing me out?" "No." "You WAS screwing me out!" "Weren't ya?" "D'you like me?" "He's my mate there..." "We'll do you over." "I don't like people..." "screwing me out." "It winds me up..." "I do things to 'em." "NASTY things." "D'you wanna know what I do... to people who screw me out?" "Shall I show ya?" "Hmm?" "I nick their cushions!" "Look." "Look, it's gonna cry now." "Is it?" "Is it gonna cry?" "It's gonna go and tell its mum." "Isn't it, eh?" ""Mum." "What?"" ""You know Coxy?"" ""Yeah."" ""He beat me up." "Yeah, he made me cry." ""Yeah, I sat in the armchair... crying."" "Oi!" "Where you going?" "Oi!" " What you mean you no want it?" " It's dirty." " So you can't wash it?" " It mash up." " Now way it mash up!" " It's second-hand." "Second-hand?" "Me get it from me uncle in Fulham." "Him used it." "So how you can call it second-hand?" "Take it away before mum's back." " What's it to her?" " It's her house." "How you know she won't like it?" " It's rubbish." " You have a pram already?" " No." " You have money to buy pram?" " No." " All right." "You no money." "Me no money." "A present, so take it." " Take it back." " Where I take it?" "All sorts of trouble I had getting it here." "I'm not 'bout to get in any more." "So take it." "No." "I don't want it." " I want a new pram." " Jesus Christ." "Didn't mean to throw the cushion at ya." "Did it hurt?" "'Ard, innit?" "Like me!" "I was only 'aving a laugh and a joke." "I know why you was upset... cos I jumped on yer table." "'Ere, I'll polish it for yer later... wiv me head." "Look, look, look." "Look, it's smiling." "Look, it's laughing." "Are we still mates?" " Eh?" " Yeah." "Still like me?" "Do ya?" "I tell ya what, I'll get hold of Colin's coat." "Polish it with that." "Mr Sheen." " What you doing?" " Spiderman!" "Oi!" "Wanker!" "Coxy!" "Go on, jump." "I'll catch ya." " Stand down 'ere, then." " Where's Hayley?" " What?" " Where's Hayley?" "Who's that he's with?" "I dunno." "Your brother!" " Throw him over!" " I'll chuck him down." " I'm coming up." " No, you ain't!" " I am." " We ain't letting you in." " Where's Colin?" " Gone home." " Has he?" " Changing his trousers." "No, he's polishing his dad's car." " He ain't got one!" " He has!" " He ain't." " He ain't." " He has." " He's a funny bloke, isn't he?" " Who, Tommy Cooper?" " No." "Colin." "You all right, Colin?" "Look." "All wound up now." "Look!" "All right, Hayley?" "All right, Colin?" "Colin, hurry up." " Who's in there?" " Who d'you think?" " Come on, Frank." " Eh?" " Oh, it's him, is it?" " Yeah." "Come on, Colin." "I gotta bust this door down?" "You don't wanna threaten him." "He's got mates in high places." "What you doin' in there?" "Eh?" "He's having trumpet lessons." "Ain't ya, Kermit?" "You got a horn in there?" "Hurry up." "Kick the whole place down, why don't ya?" "What's up?" "Your zip stuck or something?" " I'm next." " Yeah, I know you're next." "I just had a horrible hamburger." "Right, that's it!" "Out you come." "Got the runs, has he?" "About bleeding' time." "Don't you get settled in there, neither!" "He just walked right through me." "Did ya have a laugh today?" "Have a right giggle?" "What did yer do, bash up a few three-year-olds?" "Or get run by a load of Pakis." "Tell us, Superfrog." "Don't stink it out, Frank." " Well, what's it like, then?" " What?" "Having tough mates." "Eh?" "Can I be in your gang?" "When I grow up!" "Muppet!" "They ought to bring back National Service." "That'd shake 'em up." "Self..." "That's what it comes down to." "They're all out for themselves." "If I'd been in the Army, I'd be all right by now." "And you wouldn't be here, that's for sure." "What's going on in here?" "Go on, out of my kitchen." " Frank!" "Come here!" " Now what?" " Frank!" " What you up to?" " Quick, I'm holding it!" " What you been doing?" "Here." "Hold on." "OK." "Let me get in there." "Take your hand away, then." "All right, I got it." "It's not in." "That's it." "I've told ya." "Never open it!" "What d'you expect me to do?" "Look at this!" " Can't you keep an eye on him?" " I don't know what he's up to." "When are you getting those windows seen to?" "Not till I've had a cup of tea." "He had beans for his dinner!" "What did he say?" "They're sending somebody round." " When?" " Sometime this afternoon." " You sure?" " 'Course I'm not sure." " Didn't you ask?" " 'Course I asked him." " What did he say?" " I told ya." "They're sending somebody round." "Gis another cuppa." " Gis a cup, Mum." " Shut up!" "You started this." "It's not his fault." "He knows he can't fry eggs." "The minute I turn my back..." "He tried." "You want him to just sit there all day?" " Who's that?" " They're here." " Oh!" "Hello, Frank." " Hello, Babs." "Is Mavis in?" "You on your own?" " No, she's here." " Ooh!" "Good, lovely." "Where are you?" "Ooh." "Just in time for a nice cup of tea." " Been at Mum's?" " Yeah." "You been there lately?" " No, I haven't." " She said she hadn't seen you." " I been busy." " Ooh!" "Have you?" " Been to bingo?" " Yeah." " You win?" " No." " Wait till you hit the jackpot." " What jackpot?" "Hello, Colin." "How are you?" "All right." " Better have this one, then." " Smashing." "Waitress service." " What've you been up to?" " Nothing." " Still out of breath." " Watch yourself 'round here." " Where's your brother?" " Out." "Good-looking girl like you." " Where's he gone?" " Dunno." " Don't you ask him?" " No." " He wouldn't tell you anyway." " Yeah, all right, Frank." "It's not your mum and dad I've come to see really." " I've come to see you." " Why?" "What's he been up to?" "Hang on, Frank, you'll find out." " Got secrets, have we?" " Ooh, that would be telling." " Frank." " All right." "What you doing Monday?" " Nothing." " What about Tuesday?" "Nothing." "Right." " Hi." " Oh, hello." "Hello, there." "OK..." "So..." "Window trouble, yeah?" " I beg your pardon?" " No, OUR kitchen window." "Oh!" "In 'ere." "Oh, right." " Sorry." " That's OK." " What's the problem, Frank?" " Oh, nothing to worry about." "Guess what?" "What would you say if I found you a job?" "Well, I have." "You don't believe me, do you?" "I have, I've found you a job!" " What about this one?" " That one's all right." "OK." "Bedroom, yeah?" "That one's stuck." "You're going to help decorate my house." "Mind your legs." "That's it." "Let's have a snuggle on the settee." "Now, these are the terms of your employment." "You do a seven-hour day." "That's 10am to 5pm with a one-hour lunch break, right?" "Wages:" "I'll give you £1.20 an hour, plus... £4 per day to cover your return fares." "Right?" "That's fair, isn't it?" "Well, it is." " That's the bathroom." " Yeah, I know it is." "Only trouble is, I can't stamp your card to give you luncheon vouchers." "Frank!" "What do you want for your lunch?" " Beefburgers." " Oh." " Don't you like fishfingers?" " Yeah." "Oh." "Good." "Yeah, this one is bad." "That's what I told ya." "The whole block's the same." "Anyway, why's that scaffolding out there?" "It's the estate re-development project, OK?" "Yeah." "Been up there five weeks." "How many people sleep in this room?" "Two boys." " Boys?" " Yeah." "Bit small, yeah?" "Do they like sharing a room?" " We haven't asked them." " No." "I think you should." "We've got chairs, you know." "Yes." "I was gonna say." "It just takes practice." "It won't help your knees." "Wait till you're old!" "We're all old." "We're all young, yeah?" " I don't like chairs." " What about these windows?" "Windows are good." "You know..." "light, space." "You said they're rotten." "Yeah, OK." "The kitchen and small bedroom windows are emergencies, yeah?" " Oh, glad someone's awake." " They'll be dealt with by our emergency repair service, OK?" "Oh, lovely." " You'll send someone round?" " Yeah." "When?" "Soon." "Yeah, how soon?" "Very soon." " As soon as they can, OK?" " When's that?" "Tonight... tomorrow." "Who knows?" "I'm not responsible for it crashing on somebody's head." "They better get their finger out." "How long have you been here?" "I dunno." "What's that got to do with anything?" "You been here 19 years." " No, we haven't." " Yes, you have!" "1964 you moved here." " We've not been here that long." " He was six months, it was '63." "I was 18." "It was my first year at college." " College?" " That's right." "It's frightening to remember how long ago it was." " Did you study?" " Yeah, typing." "No, I did a secretarial course." " Oh, yeah." "Sorry." " And economics." "Ah..." "Economics." " That's right." " Right." "The study of money, yeah?" "Yes." "And other things." "Yeah..." "Power." "Economics is the study of law, mercantile law, commerce, market forces, supply and demand, insurance screwing who you can." " Power." " Right!" "Economics in itself doesn't mean power." "Economics is only the study of how a system works." "A system based on power, OK?" "Yeah, but you can't run a country without a fiscal policy." " You like money, yeah?" " 'Course she does." "Yeah." "Well, we all like money, don't we?" "You believe in money, yeah?" "Money's not something you believe in." "It's a fact of life." " What's that got to do with it?" " I don't know." "You tell me." "Money's got no value in itself." "Money only represents the goods you can buy with it." "Without money we'd be back to running around with no clothes!" "Charming!" " You use money." " I eat food, yeah?" " Right!" "Well, you pay for it." " No." " What d'you buy it with?" " You grow it." " You don't grow your own food." " I will." "Well, don't talk about money, I used to work in a bank." "You should never argue about politics, religion or money." " Especially with women." " Colin, put that arm back." "Right." "Ta very much." " Do you want me to go?" " Unless you stay the night!" "Yeah, get your mates up, why don't ya?" "OK." "Our job is to help you, yeah?" "And it helps us to help you if you help us, OK?" "An ant hill, yeah?" "An ant hill, which can be as big as three men, begins as a single grain of sand." "Time passes." "The single grain becomes the ant hill, OK?" "It's like repairs, you know?" "Small things become big things." "What I'm saying is, it helps us if you tell us about the grain of sand, OK?" "Don't wait to tell us about the ant hill, yeah?" "OK." "Colin!" "Life is too short." "OK?" "Oh, well." "Better make the most of it, eh?" "Ooh, excuse me." "I'm just gonna spend a penny." "We got ants?" "What?" "You want the Central Line going eastwards." "Then get off at Hainault, cross the platform to the other train." "BUT then you change at Woodford, and go to Chigwell." "Right?" " Hold on." " What's the problem, Frank?" " It wants talking about." " Let's talk about it now, then." "It's not a real job." "'Course it is." "I'm paying real wages!" "£1.20 an hour, real wages?" "!" "You're joking!" "How much do decorators get these days?" "He's not a decorator." "He's never done it before." "He can't fry an egg!" "Lovely, we all like encouragement now and again!" "As far as I'm concerned, at least it's better than nothing." " What about his signing on?" " We'll organise something." "If Colin tells me, I'll give him the morning off." " What if they find out?" " How will they find out, Mavis?" " Unless Frank reports him." " Don't be stupid." " Suppose he gets a proper job?" " Where will he get a job?" "He has as much right to a job as anybody." "I know." "This is only a stopgap." "He's doing me a favour." " Yeah, he's doing you a favour." " What's wrong with that?" "The world might be happier, if we helped each other a bit." " Don't expect it for nothing." " I don't." "I'm giving him wages." "I thought you was moving?" "We might." "You've still got no excuse to live in squalor." "Come out the tube and turn right." "There's a church on the corner with a spire." " D'you know what a spire is?" " The pointed top." "That's right!" "You're not as daft as you look." "Yeah, takes after his mother." "Then you turn left down there, and my house is on the right." "All right?" "You know what it looks like, don't you?" "Yeah, same as all the others." "You're having a bath tonight." "What for?" "With the Radox." "He's going clean and tidy, I mean it." "What's the point?" " I put a clean shirt out." " It's not a bloody wedding." "I'm not having him showing me up." "He's doing a job of work." "What you poncing him up for?" " I want you in bed by eleven." " Sounds like the Army!" " How much you gettin' paid?" " £1.20 an hour." " I've heard it's 60p." " You heard wrong!" "It's not your business." " Right, Mavis?" " He's giving me half." " I ain't." " You are!" " It's my money." " It's a bit steep, innit?" " It's fair." " It's NOT fair!" "What are you gonna do, paint it green, Kermit?" " He'll be all right." " You serious?" " What's it to you?" " A lot." " What?" " He's my brother!" "Yeah?" "Brotherly love!" " He'll make a berk of himself." " How d'you know?" "She must think we're mugs." " Just cos she didn't ask you." " It's not that." " Yes, it is." " Right." "I wanted to paint her walls!" " My job." " I know it's your job." " I'm getting paid." " Lucky boy!" " I'm getting some Doc Martins." " No, you're not!" "You'll be a real man then, eh?" "Leave him, eh." "YOU won't, after he's made a sucker of himself." "You'll persecute him." "Why don't he take this tomorrow?" "Put that back!" "When he finishes, you can buy him new brushes." " I'm eating." " I know..." "I can hear ya." " I'm a painter and decorator." " Don't go, Dobbin." " Why not?" " It ain't good for ya." "Why's that?" "Who does he think he is?" "Ernie Wise?" "Don't take no notice of him." "I'm not." "Where are you?" "Come on, Colin." "Oh?" "Hello." " I'm a Jehovah's Witness." " Where's Colin?" " Ain't he here?" " No." "What're you playing at?" "He should be." "He left before me." " Did he?" " Yeah." " What are you doing here?" " I come to visit ya." " Oh?" "That's a coincidence!" " Make us a cup of tea, then." "No, you stay here." "I'll get me coat." "That's it." "Keep an eye out for him that side." " I'll look this side." " No, you look this side and I'll look that side." "Right, Mark." " There he ain't!" " Where?" "Don't do that, Mark, it's dangerous." "Are you sure he didn't know you were coming today?" "No, it wouldn't have made any difference." "I think it would." "Truth is, I'm annoyed with you coming out here this morning." "It's a social call." " Well, it's nice to see you." " It's nice to see you, too." " I offered this job to Colin." " I don't want his poxy job." "Let him do something on his own for a change." "You only want to boss him about." "I don't boss him about." "YOU do." " What's that, a block of flats?" " No, a police station." "Would he go in there and ask if he was lost?" "Leave it out!" "The old bill?" "He ain't that silly." "Go on, then." "Make sure you look on the platform as well." "Right?" "Have you seen a bloke with a blue coat?" "A bloke with a blue coat." "Under a train." " What's that down there?" " That's him!" " It ain't him." " It is!" "Where's he been to?" "He likes playing hide and seek." "Hello, muppet." "Better dead than late." "Wind your window up and lock the door." "Are you all right?" "Come on, give us a kiss." "Well, I'm glad to see you all in one piece." "I thought we'd have to scrape you off the road, eh?" "Come on, Colin." "Your coffee's getting cold." "It's all right, starting work with a tea break." "You're a good boss." "I am!" "People want to work for me." " So I've heard." " What've you heard?" "A lot of people wanna work for you." " Where d'you hear that?" " You told me." "Don't believe everything you hear." "Colin, you got five minutes." "D'you know who you remind me of?" "No." "Tell me." "Princess Anne." "Ooh!" "Do I look like her?" " You sound like her." " I don't sound like her." " You do." " No, I don't." "What, you think I sound posh?" "You try to, like everybody here." "I don't try to sound posh." "I've never changed how I speak." "You don't talk like Mavis." "No." "Cos I did elocution lessons." "You never knew that, did you?" "In them days, people didn't employ you unless you spoke nicely." "Especially in the city." "Can't pick up the phone to a customer and say "wotcha, cock"." " Can't ya?" " No." "We used to say," ""Good morning, this is the National Westminster Bank." ""May I help you?"" "What about in the afternoons?" "Well, you had to use your imagination then." "Colin, your coffee's cold." "You've missed it." "You won't get another before lunchtime." "Come upstairs." "See my wallpaper." "You can tell me if you like it." "Colin?" "What's the matter?" "Aren't you speaking to me?" "What's the matter?" "Don't you want to help do my decorating?" "It's not because Mark's here, is it?" "I didn't know he was going to be here." "I thought you knew." "I got some lovely overalls for you to wear." "Make you laugh." "A pair of old pyjamas." "You'll look smart then, like me." "Come on." "What's the matter?" "You tell me what's wrong." "Listen, you're the one I'm employing." "Mark's only visiting." " Is he?" " Yes." "He's only here today." "The rest of the week's for ourselves." "Got you a treat for your lunch." "We don't have to look at him." "You gonna wear your DMs with Uncle John's pyjamas?" " What's DMs?" " Doctor Martins." "Are they throat lozenges?" "No, boots." "What skinheads and hooligans wear, innit?" " They'd suit you, then." " I grown out of mine." " Glad to hear it." " Auntie Barbara?" "Yes, little Mark." "Why ain't Uncle John doing the decorating?" "He's a DIY expert." "He's at work, isn't he?" "What about at the weekends?" "He's too busy at the moment." "I'm doing it." "We're doing it together, aren't we, Colin?" "Who's a lovely boy, then, eh?" "What's the matter?" "Why do you have no kids?" "Come on, let's get started." " I asked you a question." " I heard you." "I was frightened they'd be like you." "Thought I'd see what you turned out like, eh?" "And keep your feet off my furniture." "Come on, Colin." "I'm going to get started now." "We've got a lot to do before lunchtime." "If you want this job, start moving this furniture." "If you don't want it, that's all right." "Just say, "Sorry, Auntie, I don't want to do the job now."" "All right?" "Uncle John doesn't know about this, does he?" " What's that got to do with it?" " He don't know!" "He doesn't have to know everything I do." "He won't mind." "It's up to me - it's my house." "It's his house as well." "Come on, Colin." "I'm going upstairs now." "Don't Uncle John love Auntie Barbara no more?" "Hardly anybody loves Auntie Barbara no more." "You're too smart for your own good, you are." "Come on, Colin." "I'm sorting out the paintbrushes now." "Are you coming?" "Where?" "Let's go home." "What, you staying here?" "Fair enough." "Well, go on..." "Up you go." "Get your paintbrush and your Milky Way." "Go on." "What's the matter?" "D'you want me to come up there and help ya?" " It's my job." " Shut up about your job." "You're like a selfish kid who won't let his brother play with his ball." " I ain't selfish." " You're a greedy pig." "No, I ain't." "You think I've come to nick your job, don't ya?" "Yeah." "You're well wrong." " Why're you here, then?" " It's principles" "What's that?" "Things that don't grow on trees, right?" "It's what Mum and Dad ain't got, and this house ain't got." "Something you acquire." "That's why I wouldn't nick your job." "Muppet." "I ain't a muppet." "Right." "I take it you don't want this job, then, Colin." "Is that right?" "Well, you've let me down, haven't you?" "Never mind." "I think it might've been nice if you'd told me you didn't want to do it, eh?" "But still, you didn't." "So that's that." "You've wasted everyone's time, haven't you?" "Never mind." "What're we having for lunch, Auntie Barbara?" "We were gonna have fish fingers." " Didn't think fish had fingers." " Well, you know now, eh?" "There you go." "You'd better go with him, hadn't you?" "You're his minder." "Didn't think you let him go anywhere on his own, eh?" " Think he'll be all right?" " What do you think?" "Yeah, he probably will." "It's all right, this room, anyway." "Just as well, isn't it?" "Better than our room at home." "Oh, well..." "Perhaps I'd better come and decorate for you next time, eh?" "How far's the city away from here?" "About 12 miles." "It's funny." "I thought the world was round." "No, it's flat." "I think I'd better be going soon." "Yeah." "All right." "Hello." "All right." "Hello, Col." "What d'you want?" "Are you all right?" " Can I come in?" " No." "I'm not dressed properly, am I?" "My mum's out." "Look, I'll see you, all right?" "Where's Colin?" "He's doing his job at Auntie Barbara's." "Where d'you think?" "Oh, yeah." "He's a painter and decorator." "Where you been?" "Auntie Barbara's." " Stupid." " Serves you right for asking." " But I have." " Don't be daft!" "Went up there, come back." "Mission accomplished." "It really got your goat, cos she didn't ask you!" " I ain't got a goat." " I know why, an' all." " No respect." " Look at his hair!" "Look how you carried on last time we was there!" "Right?" "I know, I did act like a yob." "Yeah, you did!" "You gotta take your hats off to 'em, ain't you?" "You what?" "Getting out this area, new life, respectable friends, a higher standard of living." "All you gotta do is look at 'em together... a picture of happiness." "Have you got through all that today?" "No..." "Yeah." "Well, you must be feeling very merry." "I am feeling very merry." " Are you feeling merry, Jumbo?" " A little tired, that's all." "Oh, dear." "All right, what's wrong?" "Nothing." "I want to know what's going on." "Is that an order?" "I want to know, that's all." "You're not talking to the office juniors now, John Lake." "Guv'nor." "Don't be silly." "Why's this decorating material here?" "What decorating material?" "I won't play games, Barbara." "I'm not playing games." "All right." "Fair enough." "Have you ever fancied anyone, John?" "What?" "Have you?" "Have you ever fancied anyone?" "What do you mean?" "Since we've been married." " Not in that sense, no." " What sense is that?" "In the sense you mean it." "Oh?" "Is there more than one sense to fancy somebody?" "I wish I'd known." "Been missing out, haven't I?" "Well, you're obviously upset about something." " Yeah, obviously I am." " We can talk later." "Thank you." "What's for supper?" "Nothing." "Know what I think?" "What do you think?" "I think you're suffering from pre-menstrual tension." " D'you think I'm getting old?" " I didn't say that." "That's what husbands say about the change of life?" " Is that what you think?" " Of course not." "I'm getting old." "Barbara, if you're tired, I'll cook supper." "I rather fancy some bacon and eggs." "Fuck off!" "She giving him his tea out there, is she?" "I dunno." "I'm not getting it, anyway." "He's missed it." " John driving him home?" " No." "If he's gone to the pub, I'll bloody murder him." "That's not his way." "Anyway, it's his money." "Give 'em a ring." "Their number's there." " She's your sister." " No." "I'm not going out now." " Colin?" " That you?" "How's the working man?" "Colin!" "Covered in paint, I bet." "How'd you get on?" "Knackered, are ya?" "Not like hanging around all day, working, eh?" "You ain't got no paint on your trousers." "Come on, tell us." "I ain't been out there." "What you mean you ain't been out there?" "Oh, blimey!" " You forget what day it was?" " No." "I know." "You been out with your mates!" " Fart-arsing around!" " No." " What's going on?" " He ain't been there." "Where you been, eh?" "Colin, I'm talking to you." "You get lost, did ya?" "Go on the wrong train or something?" " Where you been?" " He did go." " Shut up." " Pipe down." " You get your money?" " Come on, tell us." " How come you ain't been?" " I have." "You said he hadn't been there." " That's what he told me." " What you been playing at?" "I know." "She's got someone else in, eh?" "Some cut-price merchant?" " You mess it up?" " She send you home, did she?" " Look, I'm talking to you." " Who else was with you?" " You was." " Who?" "He was." "Him?" " You been there?" " Have ya?" "Told ya." "What's been going on?" "What've you been up to?" "You nosy parker." " What've you said to him?" " Get out my way." "Shut up!" "What's he been doing, eh?" "He mess it up for ya?" "Colin." "I'm talking..." "Get your foot off!" "Don't hit him." " Get off the bed." " No!" "Colin!" "Take that bloody coat off." "Come on, tell us." "What's the matter?" "Sod him!" "I've had it up to here." "Sod the pair of 'em." "It really got up your nose, eh?" "Him getting that job." "Some poxy job." "What do you know?" "Only job you ever had, you jacked in." "When did you last go down the Job Centre, eh?" " It's not my fault I've no job." " It's not MY fault, right?" " I'm talking about him!" " Shut up, then!" "Look at him." "He ain't got much." "Soon as he gets something, you've gotta take it away." "What d'you care anyway?" "You don't give a monkey's about us!" "Oh, that's rich!" "20 years of clothing ya, feeding ya, wiping your arses!" "What?" "When did you ever wipe their arses?" "I was the breadwinner, that's the same thing." " You was never there." " All right, Joan of Arc." " Shut up!" " You shut up!" "Colin, it's all right." "You don't have to worry." "We'll square things with your auntie for tomorrow." "OK?" "No, I ain't going." " But that's what you want." " No." "What about the money?" "What about them boots, then?" "Don't know what he wants." "Leave him, he's useless." "I don't know." "Bye-bye." "All right, smart arse, why did he jack that job in." " Don't matter why." " What's that mean?" "Don't ask me, ask him, you rollock!" "If I talked to my old man like that, I'd have been out like lightning!" "Shut up!" " You talking to me?" " Yeah!" "Eh?" "It's MY room, get out!" "All right?" "You gonna give us five minutes?" "You wanna be like him?" "Fine!" "Excuse us." "You all right?" "All right." "How comes you ain't got your best gear on?" "Changed, ain't I?" "Did ya come home?" "Yeah." " Where'd you go then?" " Nowhere." "C'mon, tell us." "I love ya." "Did you come home on the train?" " Yeah." " Did you bunk it?" " No." " Never mind, eh?" " Had your tea?" " No." "Nor have I. Didn't want none." " Are you hungry?" " Starving." " I'm leaving." " What?" "I can't handle this." "It's doing my brain in." "Where are you going?" "Anywhere." "Want a snout?" "All right." "Two left." "Leave 'em." "Let 'em stew in their own juice." "Take that coat off." "Colin." "Don't be daft, you'll be baking in there." "Go away!" " Do you egg on toast, yeah?" " Don't want nothing." "Thought you said you was hungry?" "You gonna sleep in that coat?" "Yeah." "I seen Doggy today." "Asked me to play five-a-side football down Hackney." "Don't wanna play with them, though." "Why not?" "They're useless, ain't they?" "Keep getting beat." "Fancy some bird down there, though." "Who?" "I don't know her." "She's all right, though." "You're gonna sweat in that coat." "You're gonna stink this room out." "Ain't ya?" "Did you have a good kip?" "No." "Who made you do that, Coxy?" "No." "Ain't got nothing to do with Coxy." "What, no one tells you what to do?" "That's right." "How much did it cost?" "£1.20." "My brother's a skinhead." "No, he ain't." "You sorry you had it done?" "Dunno." "Yeah." "Colin?" "You getting up?" "Do you a breakfast." "Let him get his own." "Don't do nothing for 'em." " Shut up!" " You shut up!" "What're you having." "Bald egg?" "Kojak." " Don't call me that." " Kojak." "Come on, where's that tea?" "I can't make it boil any faster." "You got a paper?" "I ain't been out yet, have I?" "Getting up now, is he?" "Mark?" "Who?" " Colin." " Go and find out." " Go and get him." " Get him yourself."