"(upbeat march plays)" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶" "¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶" "¶ And he's shining a salute to the American race ¶" "¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "¶ Good..." "¶ Good morning, USA" "Aah!" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "("The Star-Spangled Banner" playing)" "(music stops)" "Ah, Frankie Scott Key." "You're the white man's Marvin Gaye." "Amazing sex, Francine." "Yup, you completely reduced my swelling." "And how was it for you, Francine?" "It was great, right?" "Wasn't it so great?" "As always, Stan." "It was... fabulous." "Just fabulous." "Couldn't have chosen a better word." "It wafantastic." "Just think." "For 20 years," "I've been taking you to Satisfaction Avenue." "You know, that's where you... get off." "And then wait for the next bus, which comes right on schedule, every 96 hours." "Uh, yup, that's my stop, baby." "(electrical buzzing and popping)" "Oh, there go the lights again." "I'll check the fuse box." "(match striking)" "Whoa, where'd you get that old candelabra?" "Oh, I keep it under the bed." "Next to the flashlight." "(woman giggling)" "(man and woman laughing)" "(woman laughing)" "(both moaning)" "(moaning) (moaning)" "(shrieks) Mom, what are you doing?" "!" "Oh, my, Hayley, who's your swarthy, chiseled friend?" "Mom, this is Mauricio." "We are benefits." "Benefits?" "Uh, he means we're friends with benefits, but we're not friends." "Well, then, just pretend I'm not here." "All right, Mom." "Creepy." "Come on, Mauricio, let's go upstairs." "Please." "Save your legs for spasming." "We'll try to keep it down." "(both moaning)" "Or don't." "(moaning continues)" "It'd be nice to hear someone have some fun in this house." "(gasps) Oh, my God!" "That just seemed to fly off the wall all by itself." "Oh, well." "Probably nothing." "Auf Wiedersehen!" "(buzzer sounds)" "Klaus, you made me lose my turn!" "Sorry, Steve." "I just wanted to say I'm off to Atlantic City for a weekend of motivational workshops by Deepak Chopra, Phil Jackson, and George Bush." "The one-termer, not the hero." "This weekend is going to change my life." "Bye." "Steve, will you remember to feed my pet smaller fish?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm on it." "(phone ringing)" "Ooh, that's my shuttle." "This guy's got a broken funny bone." "(with Cockney accent):" "Call NBC." "They'll give him a half hour, they will." "(buzzer sounds)" "What the hell?" "Steve, I did not touch the rim." "Yes, you did." "The board buzzed." "I've performed this very operation far drunker and on real people!" "Something else made the buzzer go off." "You know, this isn't the first strange occurrence in the house lately." "I think this may be the work of... a ghost." "Roger, that is the lamest excuse ever to get an extra turn." "I'm serious, Steve." "Things in this house have had a mind of their own, and... and I've felt a dark presence when nobody's there." "And, yes, I would like another turn." "(scoffs) There's no such thing as ghosts." "Then how do you explain... that?" "Oh, my God!" "I know." "Outside of the commercials, that's the first time I've ever seen that game work." "Here we are, sir." "Oh, what a wonderful room." "Just set me down on the bed." "Ooh, these sheets feel so good against my bowl." "And could you please put the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?" "Of course, sir." "And if you need anything at all, my name is Benji." "Thanks, Benji." "ANNOUNCER (on TV):" "If you're a Parrothead, try Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon, located downstairs in the lobby." "From world-renowned chef Gordon Fukayami comes" "Roppongi, a bistro house with a South Asian flair." "And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled, don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show." "Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?" "The bond matures." "(laughs)" "Absolutely incredible!" "And if it's nightlife you're after..." "Ow!" "My lower lumbar!" "...dance the night away at our exclusive club... (groans, gasps) ...Entrancia." "Aah!" "Damn it!" "If you're a Parrothead, try Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon located downstairs in the lobby." "From world-renowned chef Gordon Fukayami comes" "Roppongi, a bistro house with a South Asian flair." "Stay calm, Klaus." "The maid will be here soon." "And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled..." "She'll get you your back pills, and you'll be good to go." "...don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show." "RUDNER:" "Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?" "Roger, we've set up cameras in every room in the house, and the only strange activity we've seen is stuff we already know about." "Like how Dad pretends he's a mummy when he's on the toilet." "(toilet flushes)" "Also, we know Francine is way too interested in Hayley's sex life." "(both moaning)" "Is she eating mozzarella like it's an apple?" "Look, Roger, I admit something may have been here, but it's gone now." "3:40." "No sign of the ghost." "Really have to pee, but don't want to miss anything." "Shut your stupid face." "Look." "In the basement." "The washing machine." "It's turning on by itself." "(creaking, rhythmic rumbling)" "It..." "looks like..." "Mom!" "(screaming)" "(both screaming)" "Hey, guys." "(both screaming)" "(screaming) 3:43." "Just peed myself." "Asparagus." "Oh." "What did you wake me up for?" "I was having a dream I owned a collectibles shop." "Was haggling with a kid about a Grimace glass." "Now, Dad, prepare yourself." "Roger and I found proof the house is... haunted." "Haunted?" "!" "Pl-ease." "As if a pizza guy has ever been murdered here and buried under the foundation." "(laughs, sighs)" "But nobody's gone to the cops, right?" "What?" "Stan, no." "I don't know how it's possible, but this ghost is real, and it looks just like me!" "Well, maybe 20 pounds ago." "Dad, check out this footage from the basement." "(screaming)" "(yells)" "That was scary!" "But-but fun scary." "It's fun to be scared, huh?" "This is phenomenal special effects work, Steve." "No, it's real." "(eerie whooshing)" "It is a ghost." "And it's beautiful." "Whoa, it's chosen me." "It's chosen me." "Ow!" "That really hurt, beautiful specter." "This is freaking my deeky out." "All right, that's it." "I'm texting the one person who can help." "(doorbell rings)" "Greetings." "My name is Ruby Zeldastein." "I'm a medium to the other side, and I make a hell of a shoofly pie." "Are we really gonna do this?" "Do yohave a medium character?" "(inhales deeply through nose)" "Oh, there is a presence here." "A very bitter presence." "Full of resentment." "(woman screaming)" "(wind whistling)" "FRANCINE'S VOICE (distorted):" "You're mine now!" "(Mauricio yells)" "Mauricio!" "(items clattering)" "Is anyone else still seeing his junk when they close their eyes?" "Yup." "Yup." "What the hell was that thing that took Mauricio?" "!" "Darling, that was a spirit." "Your spirit." "I'm dead?" "Maybe that's why my nails have stopped growing." "Oh, wait." "There they go." "Not all hauntings are caused by the dead, child." "Sometimes they're caused by emotions." "Feelings kept locked away so long that they manifest themselves as a malevolent force." "So it is a poltergeist." "Not quite." "The entity in this house was born specifically out of Francine's sexual frustration." "I like to call it a "poltergasm."" "What are you doing?" "I just drew a trademark sign with my finger, child, because I've registered the word "poltergasm."" "Any movie scripts you write based on your experiences here," "Ruby gets a slice." "This is preposterous!" "I took Francine to Satisfaction Avenue just last night." "Oh, I doubt that." "Now, sweetie, try to remember." "When was the last time your husband satisfied you?" "Well, like Stan said, last night." "Do you know that to be the only and absolute truth?" "And therefore the Christian truth?" "Well... sort of." "It's more like..." "Satisfaction Avenue... adjacent." "Adjacent?" "!" "But when we have sex, you look just like Meg Ryan in that scene from When Harry Met Sally when... she..." "fakes... it." "Oh, my God, I love that movie." "Mom, this makes sense." "The way you look at Mauricio and me?" "You are clearly jealous and repressed." "Yes, this foul spirit was born of a lie and nurtured by repression." "Think back." "When did it all begin?" "I guess a couple years ago when we went to that Sandals resort for our anniversary." "STAN:" "Oh, my God, that was the best sex ever!" "Awesome as usual, right?" "Be honest." "You got there, didn't you?" "Well, actually..." "I have really gotten this down to a science." "I get in, I do what I need to do, and I get the hell out." "How great was it for you?" "So great, right?" "It was, Stan." "I-It was the best." "Ever." "It was... fabulous." "(thunder crashing)" "(gasps) God's clapping for me." "You've been faking it for two years?" "(chuckles) Stan, just because a jack-in-the-box doesn't pop out doesn't mean I don't enjoy you cranking the handle." "Don't touch me." "I don't satisfy anymore." "I'm the opposite of Snickers!" "I'm sorry I'm not packed with peanuts, Francine!" "(Stan crying)" "All this talk about satisfying's getting my girdle all gooey." "I think I'm wearing it wrong." "ANNOUNCER:" "And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled, don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show." "RUDNER AND KLAUS:" "Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?" "The bond matures." "AUDIENCE MEMBER:" "Absolutely incredible!" "Absolutely incredible." "ANNOUNCER:" "And if it's nightlife you're after, dance the night away at our exclusive club, Entrancia." "If you're a Parrothead, try Jimmy Buffett's Key West Saloon located downstairs in the lobby." "From world-renowned chef Gordon Fukayami comes Roppongi, (inhales deeply) a bistro house with a South Asian flair." "(back cracks, Klaus screams)" "And if you're looking to get your funny bone tickled, don't miss Rita Rudner's hilarious live stand-up show." "RUDNER AND KLAUS:" "Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?" "The bond matures." "AUDIENCE MEMBER:" "Absolutely incredible!" "Absolutely incredible." "Benji!" "Mauricio, be strong!" "Just follow the rope into the light!" "You did it!" "I'm a-free!" "Mauricio, no!" "This problem is far worse than I first sensed." "Your mother's poltergasm-- trademarked-- has got Mauricio in its claws like that claw game at arcades, except, you know, if the claw was strong and didn't drop things." "So pretty much not that claw game." "Ruby, what..." "A-Are you saying there's no way to get Mauricio back?" "I'm sorry, child, but this spirit is not gonna be satisfied until your mother is." "And since your father isn't up to the task," "I'm not sure who is." "STEVE:" "Well..." "Ah..." "Oh, no." "Gross." "I just need a new belt." "I just don't get it." "I did everything right." "I can't help but feel this is her fault." "Dad, you have to snap out of it." "You got to get Mom where she needs to get to." "I can't, Hayley." "I don't know what to do." "If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife." "But we live in the real world." "Dad, look around you." "The ghost is getting stronger." "You have to satisfy Mom." "You're right." "But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore." "You just need to get some help." "A book or the Internet..." "Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter." "Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach." "Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?" "Okay, Dad, we're running out of time." "Tonight's the night you have to please Mom, and we're gonna help." "All right, let's do this." "What's my name?" "What are we talking about?" "All right, let's do this." "Ruby and I will fix up your bedroom to look just like your anniversary suite." "By re-creating the night the poltergasm was born but changing the outcome, it will expel the foul horny spirit from this family." "Nobody's questioning that and we're moving on." "I call tonight the Sexorcism." "Now, that's really trademarked, because I found out that somebody else already had "poltergasm" trademarked and now I'm in hot water." "Let's start your training, Dad." "First things first, what do you do before sex?" "What do you mean?" "Before sex I'm at work." "(whistles)" "(John Cafferty's "Hearts on Fire" playing)" "(dinging)" "This looks just like our anniversary suite." "It even smells like it." "This beach-scented candle from CVS is guaranteed to grease the beef or your money back." "But I stole this one, so don't try to return it." "You guys have done a great job." "I just don't know if I can pull this off." "Dad, just remember what you learned today and everything will be fine." "FRANCINE:" "Hi, Stan." "(studio audience whooping)" "ANNOUNCER:" "American Dad is filmed in front of a live studio audience." "AUDIENCE MEMBER:" "Yeah, Stan!" "I don't want that cup." "Why would I want a non-mint condition Grimace cup?" "Your selection is shoddy." "Wake up, children." "Look around you." "Everything's back to normal." "I just acted so heterosexual that I needed something phallic in my mouth to even things out." "I just knew my Stan the Man would take me there." "Way to go, Dad!" "(cheering)" "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go downstairs and work on my skateboard." "I think today I just might finish it." "Wait a minute." "If Dad did the job, then... where's Mauricio?" "(thunder crashes)" "(cracking, creaking)" "(shouts)" "What do you want from me?" "!" "You got your big "O"!" "No... "O"...!" "Come on!" "Let's get out of here!" "(grunting) It won't budge!" "The kitchen door!" "Let's go!" "We're trapped!" "(screaming)" "Boo." "The Halloween decorations!" "Devil Austin Powers!" "Happy Halloween, baby." "(chuckles)" "(thunder crashing)" "The walls!" "They're closing in!" "And the house is sinking, too!" "It's a twofer!" "It's a terrible twofer!" "You lied!" "I shook the headboard but I couldn't curl your toes!" "I'm sorry!" "POLTERGASM:" "No one shall find release until I do!" "Dad, what did you do wrong?" "!" "I don't know!" "Probably everything!" "Well, you're gonna have to give it one more money shot!" "It's our only hope!" "(moans) I can't perform under these conditions!" "(Roger shouts) (Stan grunts)" "I'm not going out like this!" "This is Mexican Tar Viagra!" "Now down it!" "(grunts, groans) They taste terrible." "That's 'cause they're suppositories." "Okay, honey." "Let's do this." "I need to get you there, and we're running out of time." "I'm sorry, Stan." "This isn't working." "And if we're really gonna die, can we at least just take things slow?" "What do you mean?" "Oh, Stan, don't you remember?" "We used to take all night long." "You used to kiss my neck." "Really?" "Why?" "Because it was never about finishing the race;" "it was about running it." "But somewhere along the way-- I don't know-- you just started treating our sex like it was... another one of your missions." "Oh, my God." "You're right." "I do do that." "Honey, I'm so sorry." "That's okay." "Just... kiss my neck." "(rumbling stops) It's working!" "I just remembered I also used to blow in your ear!" "(blows air) Oh, Stan." "That really turns me on." "(blows air)" "Francine, why didn't you tell me you were so unsatisfied?" "I don't know!" "I guess I was afraid of hurting your feelings." "Now lick my neck and tell me I'm your favorite horse in the stable!" "You're my favorite horse on the whole frontier." "(neighs, pants)" "Now talk like you're the Monopoly guy!" "(à la Thurston Howell):" "Oh, you freak." "You lovable freak." "Keep telling me what to do." "I didn't say Thurston Howell!" "I said the Monopoly guy!" "(kissing sounds) (Francine screams)" "(Francine yodeling)" "(bell rings)" "MAURICIO:" "I'm a-free!" "Bull's-eye." "(door creaks)" "This house... is clean." "But as for those sheets... babadababadababadababada- babadababada- babadababada- babadababadababadababada..." "Oh, Klaus, I heard you were in Atlantic City." "Did you try that new restaurant Roppongi?" "I didn't go there to eat." "I went there to improve myself." "Which I did do." "Oh, yeah?" "In what way?" "I'm just better, okay?" "!" "Klaus, chill out." "We're all happy for you." "Well, it doesn't sound like that." "Geez, you guys need to be more like a government bond... and mature." "(chuckles)" "Klaus, that's pretty funny." "Did you just think of that?" "I've been thinking about it for a few days." "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "Bye!" "Have a beautiful time."