"No, Mother, I really didn't mind being alone tonight." "Besides, by the time I got the twins to sleep," " I was so exhausted." " ( knocks )" "Max:" "99, I'm home!" "Oh, Mother, Max is here now." "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?" "Bye-bye." " Max, I'm upstairs in bed!" " I'll be right up!" "When you come up the stairs, turn the light on." "99, I don't need the light on to find my way up the stairs." "I know that, Max, but I got a new end table today, and I want you to see where I put it." "Oh, really?" "Where'd you put it?" " Right at the top-- - ( crashing ) stairs." " Max, are you all right?" " I'm okay, 99." "I'll be right up as soon as I turn the light on." "How do you like the end table?" "I think it's very pretty, 99." "Do you really like it?" "Yes, but I'm not too crazy about the way it fits." "Oh, Max, you've broken it!" "Oh no, 99, it's not broken." "I'd say it was more like a bad sprain." "Max, I mean the table." "Oh, the table." "Yes, well... the top is in pretty bad shape, but a couple of the legs are still pretty good." "99, what's the matter with your eye?" "Oh, I was leaning over to pick up some diapers and I hit it on the edge of the bassinette." "Oh, well, how did you enjoy the day with your mother?" "Oh, she wasn't here, Max." "I felt like I wanted to be alone, so I just called her and told her not to come." "Is there anything wrong, 99?" "No, Max, why do you ask?" "I don't know, it's just not like you to cancel out a date with your mother." "You enjoy spending the day so much with her." "Oh, well, I just had so many things to do." "With you coming home late, it just seemed like the perfect opportunity to do them." "Oh, darling, I'm exhausted, love." " Good night." " Good night." "( phone ringing )" "Hello." "Max, this is The Chief." "Did you just get home?" "A few minutes ago." "Can you speak a little louder, Max?" "Well, I can't, Chief." "99 just went to sleep." "99 is in her bed?" "Of course she's in her bed." "Where do you think she sleeps?" "In the closet?" "Max, listen to me-- don't repeat a word of this to 99-- do nothing, say nothing." "You go right to sleep." "The first thing tomorrow morning, I want you here in my office." " Have you got that?" " Right, Chief." "Would you mind telling me what it's all about?" "I don't know what it's all about, Max." "All I know is that that woman in the other bed is not 99." "Are you sure, Chief?" "I'm positive." "( theme music playing )" "( woman chattering on phone )" "( dial tone )" "Well, whoever she is, she's there all right, sound asleep in your bed." "Well, I'm certainly glad I put clean sheets on this morning." "99, let's go over it again." "I want to hear every single detail." "I had just put the twins to bed." "I went downstairs and I heard the doorbell ring." "I went to the door and asked..." " Who's there?" " Melnick's furniture." "We're delivering your end table." "So I opened the door and the man came in with a table." "Just put it over there." "I turned to close the door and that's when I saw the woman." "I thought I was looking in a mirror." "It was absolutely uncanny." "She had my face, my figure, my clothes-- but not my gun." "She told me that I was to go with the delivery man and that she was going to take my place." "I said she'd have to shoot me before she'd get me to leave my children." " Go on." " She said it would only be for a few days, and she promised she'd take perfect care of the twins." "And I said, "What about my husband?"" "And then she promised she'd take perfect care of my husband." "And that's when I hit her." "That's interesting." "Where'd you hit her?" " In my right eye." " Huh?" "In her right eye." "Then they blindfolded me and they put me in the back of the truck." "They took me to their warehouse and locked me in the basement." "It's fortunate for us, 99, that you got away." "They're really gonna be surprised when they find out I'm gone." " You mean they don't know you got away?" " No." "99, you've got to go back there right away." "Why?" "99, KAOS has gone to a great deal of trouble to find someone who looks exactly like you and train her to take your place." "They must be up to something big." "You mean when they find out I've escaped, they'll call it off?" "Exactly." "We've got to let them think their plan is succeeding so we can find out what it is." "99, you're gonna have to go back there and remain their prisoner for a while." "But Chief, what about the twins?" "I'll have Max arrange with your mother to take them for a few days." "But first I've got to convince Max that that woman in the apartment with him is not you." "I know, Chief." "Let me call Max." "I'll talk to him." "That's too risky." "She might be listening in on the extension." "I know how to prove it to him." "You've got to get back to Melnick's warehouse." "What are you gonna do, Chief?" "I'm gonna telephone Max, tell him to wake that woman and kiss her." "What?" "99, no two women kiss alike." "The second Max kisses her, he'll know it's not you." "Chief, that's a terrible idea!" " Why?" " What if she's better?" " Morning, sweetheart." " Oh hello, love." "You look terrific this morning." "Your eye cleared up." "All the black and blue is gone." "I put some makeup on it." "You sit down and I'll go get your breakfast." "Just some toast and coffee, 99." "I have to be at headquarters early this morning." "( door opens )" "There we go." "Who's eating with us?" "No, darling, that's for you." "99, this is ridiculous." "I never eat a big breakfast, you know that." "I know that, love, but I just read an article that said breakfast is the most important meal of the day." "Everyone should eat a big breakfast." "99, I'm trying to lose weight." "You yourself said I was getting heavy." "I don't care what I told you, Max." "I want you to be healthy." "That's ridiculous, 99." "I couldn't eat all of that." "Oh, Max, I spent so much time trying to please you-- the least you can do is eat it." "I'm sorry, 99." "I don't care how nice you ask me," "I'm not gonna eat all of that food." "Max... please?" "No, I'm sorry, 99." "It's out of the question." "( moaning )" " 99?" " Hmm?" "Pass the salt." "Max, you've got to believe me." "That woman is an imposter." "Chief, how do we know that the 99 who was here last night isn't the imposter, and the 99 in my apartment is the real 99, and that this 99 lied when she said 99 was an imposter?" " Would you say that again?" " Huh?" " Would you say that again?" " Say what again?" "About the 99 who was here last night being the imposter, and the 99 in the apartment being the real 99, and this 99 lying when she said that 99 in the apartment was the imposter." "Would you say that again, Chief?" "No, Max, I want you to say it." "It's your theory." "I want you to say it again so I can see if it makes any sense." "Well, all right, Chief." "This is what I was getting at-- you claim that the 99 that was here last night is the real 99, and the 99 in my apartment is the fake 99." "But how do we really know if this is the real 99 when she could be the fake 99?" "And the 99 in my apartment-- who this 99 claims is the fake 99-- could be the real 99." "And this 99 is only saying the real 99 is the fake 99 so we'd arrest the real 99." "Then the fake 99 would take her place, and we'd think that the fake 99 was in jail, when it was the other way around." "The real 99 would be in jail and the fake 99 would be in my apartment." "That's very logical, Max." "But it's much too obvious." "How could I make you believe that the woman being held prisoner is the real 99?" "Chief, how can you be so positive?" "Because she knew things that only the real 99 would know." "She knew where CONTROL headquarters was located, she knew where the secret entrance was, she knew what the password was." " She even knew about the beauty mark." " What beauty mark?" "The beauty mark on your body." " She didn't tell you where it was?" " Yes, she did, Max." "That's not fair, Chief." "She promised she'd never tell." "Max, she had to." "She was proving that she was the real 99." "Now who else but your wife would know about that beauty mark?" " Lindquist." " Who's Lindquist?" "Dr. Lindquist." "He delivered me." " He would have to know." " Of course he would have to know." "He slapped me on it when he brought me into the world." "Max, how can I convince you that that woman is an imposter?" "I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think you may have something there." "Because this 99 is doing a lot of things the real 99 would never do." " Like what?" " For example, this morning she gave me a big breakfast." "99 knows that I never eat a big breakfast." "Then she sat on my lap and fed me." "Now 99 would never do that." "When I leave in the morning for work, 99 just gives me a nice peck on the cheek and says goodbye." "What did she do?" "She put her arms around me, kissed me full on the lips and wouldn't stop." "I almost didn't make it to work this morning." "She wouldn't let go?" "To tell you the truth, Chief," "I didn't feel like coming to work after that." "Max, the most important thing is to not to arouse her suspicions." "You have got to make her think that you really believe that she's 99." "And when we find out what their plans are, we'll move right in." "Now remember, this could take as much as a week." "Chief, if I have to spend a week with this woman to help CONTROL solve this case, I'm willing to do it." "I'm proud of you, Max." "If I have to spend two weeks with this woman, I'm willing to do that too." "Remember, you're a married man." "You're telling me." "I've got two wives." "Chief, where do you think they have her hidden?" "I'll show you." "They have her hidden behind the wall?" "I'm gonna show you on the map." "Does the name Melnick mean anything to you?" "Melnick, Melnick-- what's his first name?" " Melnick." " Melnick Melnick." "Nope, if I had heard a name like that before, I would've remembered it." "No, Max, his first name is Melnick, his second name is Archer." "He designs and manufactures bedroom sets." "He has a large warehouse here in town." "Oh, yes, of course, I remember now." "Melnick Archer." "Wasn't he the one that was suspected once of selling bedroom sets to iron-curtain countries?" " That's him, Max." " Of course, I remember now." ""Put a red in your bed" Melnick." "That's what he was called." "They've got 99 hidden in his warehouse right here on Harbor Boulevard." "Gee, I hope she's all right, Chief." "She's in no immediate danger." "They've made her very comfortable." "When she was here last night, I issued her CONTROL's new fingernail phones." "She'll be able to report to us from time to time when she can." "Chief, 99 called from a furniture warehouse a few minutes ago, but I told her you were busy." "You what?" "Didn't she tell you it was important?" "No, she said it was urgent, but she didn't say anything about being important." "Think something's wrong, Chief?" "No, the fact that she called is a good sign." "It's probably about the twins." "I promised her that you'd have her mother take them for a few days." "I'd better call her and find out if she will." "Listen, Max, the twins can stay at our place for a few days." "My wife would love taking care of them, and they'd have a lot of fun playing in the sand." "You have a place at the beach, Larrabee?" "No, but we have a very sandy apartment." " Thanks just the same, Larrabee." " Anytime, Max." " Hold it, Larrabee." " Yeah, Chief?" "You're not going to get away with that one that easily." " Which one?" " Explain it to me-- how you have a very sandy apartment." "There's nothing to explain, Chief." "We can't get the sand out because our vacuum cleaner is broken." "Larrabee, if you don't live at the beach, how can you have all that sand in your apartment?" "We've been talking about moving to the beach and wanted to see if we'd like it." "Thank you, Larrabee." "Chief, I don't know whether this is important to you or not, but we don't like it-- too much sand." "Line's busy, Chief." "I'd better call back later." "Strange man, that Larrabee." "I was just thinking that, Chief." "When he said that business about the vacuum cleaner not working and not being able to sweep up the sand, well, why in the world didn't he use a broom to sweep up the sand?" "Max, are you sure you and Larrabee aren't related?" "You know, a lot of people have asked me that lately, Chief." "( phone rings )" "CONTROL headquarters, this is The Chief." "Chief, I got back just fine." "They didn't even know I was gone." "That's good, 99." "Are you all right?" "Are you comfortable?" "Am I comfortable?" "I wish I had a cell like this at home." "Let me speak to her, Chief." "Hold on, 99." "Max wants to talk to you." "Hi, 99." "Hello, Max, my love." "How are you?" "Oh, I'm fine." "I had a big breakfast this morning." "I feel great." "Max, you never eat a big breakfast." "Yes, I know, but this woman insisted." "You know what she did while I was eating breakfast?" "She cleaned and vacuumed and dusted the entire apartment." "You won't recognize it when you get home." "Gee, Max, you sound like you don't miss me at all." "I miss you terribly, darling." "This woman may be a great cook and neat and over-affectionate, but it's not the same as you." "Max, have you called my mother about taking the children?" "Yes, I did call her, 99, but the line was busy." "I'll have to call back later." " ( door opens )" " Someone's coming." "I've gotta go now." "I wish you were gonna be home tonight, 99." "Oh, so do I, darling." "We're having beef stroganoff." "Goodbye, Max." "I thought I overheard you talking to someone, Mrs. Smart." "You did, Mr. Archer-- I was talking to myself." "I do that when I'm lonely." "Get used to being alone, Mrs. Smart." "You're going to be spending the rest of your life in a cell." "But I was told I'd only be kept here a few days." "Yes, that's true." "And then you will be placed behind bars in a federal penitentiary." "For what?" "For the murder of your husband, Maxwell Smart." "So that's your plan." "Yes, Maxwell Smart will be found dead by you when you return to your apartment tomorrow morning." "Melnick?" "Telephone call for you in your office." "Mrs. Maxwell Smart is calling." "If you'll excuse me, my dear." "I thought I overheard her talking when I came in here." "She may have a concealed communication device with her." " You think so?" " Shh." "Melnick:" "It's possible." "Now you remain here and watch her." "We wouldn't want anything to go wrong now." "Right." "( door closes )" "( foreign accent ) Things are going even better than we expected." "99's mother just called." "She's coming over in about an hour to take the twins for a few days." "Excellent, Sonia." "Yes, it leaves me free to attend to Mrs. Smart." "At what rate are you feeding him the poison?" "I am giving it to him in thirds." "I gave him one third for breakfast." "He should be home shortly for lunch." "I'll give him some more then." "And I'll give him the rest for dinner tonight." "By tomorrow morning, Maxwell Smart will be dead, and the autopsy will reveal that he was poisoned." "By his lovely wife." "A beautiful plan." "When will the first symptoms of the poison start to show?" "It should start shortly after lunch." "He'll begin to get very sleepy, and then he'll lose his equilibrium and fall down a lot." "Won't that attract suspicion?" "Not with Maxwell Smart." " Hi, Chief." " Hello, Max." "Has 99 called yet?" "Not since this morning." "They must be watching her very closely." " Boy, am I tired." " Where have you been?" "I went home for lunch." "Max, you never eat lunch at home." "I know that, Chief, but 99's imposter doesn't." "She insisted that I come home for lunch." "So I didn't want to arouse her suspicions, and I went." "I wonder why she insisted that you come home for lunch." "I don't know, Chief." "What difference does it make?" " It can't do any harm." " I guess you're right." "Max, are you all right?" "I'm fine, Chief." "I just lost my balance for a minute." "Max, it's driving me crazy." "What could KAOS's plan be?" "Why would they kidnap 99 and then replace her with someone that looks and sounds exactly like her?" "I don't know, Chief." "I've been giving it a lot of thought, and the way I feel" "Max, are you sure you're all right?" "You've fallen down twice in less than a minute-- even for you that's a lot." "I'm okay, Chief." "I just got a little dizzy." " Are you sure?" " I'm positive." "What keeps bothering me is what their plan is." "When are they gonna make their move?" "Max!" "Max." "Max, I think you're coming down with something." "Yes." "If I am, Chief, I'm coming down with it a lot." "I think you'd better go home and get to bed." "I think you need some rest." "Oh." "Larrabee?" "Max isn't feeling very well." "I want you to take him home." "Okay, Max, you ready to go?" "What're you doing?" "I'm not doing anything." "I'm" " I'm biting my thumbnail." "( door opens )" "Well, Marcus." "And how is our prisoner this evening?" "Nervous and impatient." "Look, she hardly touched her dinner." "Well, that's more than I can say for Mr. Smart." "He's been eating splendidly." "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means that at this very moment he's having his dinner-- and with it enough poison to finish him." "So that's how you plan to kill Max." "Exactly." "And now if you'll excuse me, my dear, I have work to attend to." "The big sale starts tomorrow." "Marcus." "Release her first thing in the morning before we open the warehouse to the public." "And get rid of the cell." "Place the furniture in the showroom on sale." "And make the price irresistible so that when she comes back with the police, she won't be able to corroborate her story." "Right." "( door closes )" "Ow!" "Ooh!" "( gasps )" "What's wrong?" "I have a cramp in my leg." "Oh, come, come." "You don't expect me to fall for an old trick like that, do you?" "Surely you don't think I'd be stupid enough to pull an old trick like that." "This always happens when I'm nervous and tense." "Ow!" "( grunts )" "Try to relax." "Maybe it'll go away." "Oh, I wish my husband were here." "He always massages my leg and makes the cramp go away." "Well, if it'll help, I'll massage it for you." "Oh, would you, please?" "And please hurry." " Where does it hurt?" " Right down here." "( dials )" "Hello, Chief." "I found out their plan." "They're poisoning Max." "There's not a minute to lose." "I'm on my way to the apartment now." "Good work, 99." "I'll have Larrabee take Melnick Archer into custody and meet you at the apartment later." "Larrabee, you're to go to Melnick's furniture warehouse" " Now?" " Of course, now." "But the sale doesn't start until tomorrow morning." "I don't have time to argue." "Just go to the warehouse and arrest Melnick Archer." "Right, Chief." "You're also to arrest a man named Marcus." "Marcus?" "How will I know him?" "You'll know him." "He'll be the man who starts shooting at you when you arrest Melnick Archer." "Oh, is he a good shot?" "I hope so." "Come on, Max, just one more bite." "No, no, 99, please." "I'm so full I couldn't eat another thing." "And I'm so sleepy." "Max, at least eat some of the cream pie." "If you eat the cream pie, you can lie down on the sofa and go to sleep." "Sleep?" "Okay, 99, I'll eat the cream pie." "Come on, darling." "One big bite should do it." "Max, don't!" "Oh, hi, 99." "You don't happen to have some bicarbonate of soda on you, do you?" "What are you doing here?" "I escaped." "Now get away from my husband." "Very well." "Max!" "Oh." "Get up." "Put your hands up." " Hold it right there." " Chief!" "Drop the gun and put your hands up." "Not you, Larrabee." "You heard what I said." "Drop the gun." "Stay away from that gun!" "Chief, I'm 99." "She's the imposter." "Don't you believe her, Chief." "I'm 99." "That's not true, Chief." "I am!" "Ask Max." "All right, Max." "Which one is it?" "Your wife." "Which one is your wife?" "Oh." "You're pointing at Larrabee." "Chief, the eyes." "They're both the same color." "No, Chief, the imposter has a black eye." "She covered it with makeup." "That's right, Chief." "Don't you remember?" "I told you that I socked her in her right eye." "That's right." "Wipe the makeup off your right eye." "Sure, Chief." "Good work, 99!" "Oh, Max, we've gotta get you to the hospital and get your stomach pumped." "Larrabee, give 99 a hand." "Be with you in a minute." "Man, this is good." "( theme music playing )"