"Encoded by Muhammad Awais Khan" "Hello, folks at home." "(LAUGHS)" "Here I am, 100 yards from the top of Mount Everest." "Yet there's a part of me that can't wait to end this silly vacation and get back to work where the real challenges await." "(LAUGHS)" "Shouldn't you take your age into consideration, sir?" "After all, you're 82 years old." "Am I 82?" "These numbers mean nothing to me." "My journey through life has just begun." "Sir!" "Sir!" "Oota tells me the storm's getting worse." "Very, very bad." "We must abandon our ascent and proceed down the mountain immediately." "We're so very close to the top, Mr. Puffy-Jacket-Man." "I'm heading down now, sir." "I advise you to do the same." "All right, so be it." "See you at the staff meeting on Monday." "And I'll bring the Krispy Kremes!" "(LAUGHS)" "(MAN SCREAMING)" "ANCHORMAN:" "There, once again, the sad footage we've been watching all day." "A beloved visionary who turned a single radio station into a global media empire." "Preston Blake, dead at 82." "More after this." "ANNOUNCER:" "You're watching the Blake Broadcasting Network." "The stock of Blake Media, the parent company of this network, plunged this morning on the news of Blake's death, but bounced back after a statement by Blake's longtime number 2, Chuck Cedar." "And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't save Preston Blake from becoming a human popsicle." "And sources indicate that Blake, who was single and had no children, did not leave a will." "So, who inherits Blake's 49% stake in the company's stock valued at $40 billion?" "We'll discuss that with people close to Preston Blake, including his longtime barber on tomorrow's Inside Access." "Until then, I'm Mac McGrath." "(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "Are we clear?" "MAN:" "Clear!" "Babe?" "Where's Babe?" "I'm gonna come over there and I'm gonna choke you to death." "I gotta go." "Freaking barber!" "That's the best you could get me, huh?" "People tell everything to their barbers, Mac." "I mean, he's been his closest confidant for more than 20 years." "Babe, I'm not putting this guy on the air." "You get me something better and you get it quick." "Or it's your ass." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "Did we find this heir yet?" "We should be getting that information via fax any minute now." "I have lawyers looking through birth records in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, and Guam." "In fact, we have a little pool going." "Guam's paying off at 1,000 to 1. (CHUCKLES)" "Is this a joke to you?" "Some genetic lottery winner now controls the fate of this company." "No, no." "I agree." "It's troubling." "Troubling?" "Your beard is troubling." "Your pipe is troubling." "Your yellow teeth are really troubling." "But if I lose control of this company, it'll be catastrophic." "(FAX MACHINE RINGING)" "Does anyone know a Dr. Mendlesohn?" "Congratulations, you have a spastic colon." "That would explain a lot." "(FAX MACHINE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)" ""Longfellow Deeds."" "Chuck, I think we're there." "My God, it's all green." "(BLEATING) (MOOING)" "Wow." "Look at that thing." "Fighter pilot on your left." "(MIMICS GUN FIRING)" "Whoo-hoo!" "God, I've got that sucker." "(WHOOPING)" "You guys lost?" "We're looking for somebody." "Longfellow Deeds." "Wow." "Is that Deeds' first name?" "Well, if the Deeds you're referring to is Longfellow Deeds, then yes, that is Deeds' first name." "Well, I don't know Deeds' first name." "Maybe it's Greg." "Maybe it's Longfellow." "Maybe." "But I don't know." "I know another guy named Greg." "You want me to call him up?" "No." "Thank you." "Please, just tell us where Deeds lives." "All right, don't get all hyperactive on me, buddy." "I'll take you straight to him." "(DOG BARKS)" "(BRAKES SCREECH)" "MURPH:" "Step right in, fellows." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "CHUCK:" "He lives at a pizzeria?" "You can't live in a pizzeria." "He lives upstairs." "He owns it." "Excuse me." "Is Mr. Deeds around?" "No, I'm sorry." "He's out making deliveries." "The regular delivery guy called in sick." "But you don't look too sick to me, Murph." "Oh!" "I forgot I was faking sick today." "You two tricked me into coming here." "Murph, put on an apron and give me a hand." "You guys played me like a fiddle." "Touché!" "Um..." "Is Mrs. Deeds around?" "Mrs. Deeds?" "I don't think that poor boy ever had a date." "Do you know when he'll be back?" "Well, he'll be back before lunch is out." "Today's Card Day." "Card Day?" "Deeds writes greeting cards." "Every Monday, he tries out a few and then he chooses one and sends it to one of the big card companies." "Now, he hasn't sold any yet, but he will." "You guys need anything else here?" ""To my sweetheart," ""I love you completely, with all my soul." ""Without you I'm nothing, a butterless roll."" "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "That's good." "You like that, gentlemen?" "Hallmark said it showed some potential, which is pretty cool." "Longfellow Deeds?" "Just call me Deeds, pal." "Easy with that Longfellow stuff." "Chuck Cedar, CEO." "Cecil Anderson, General Counsel of Blake Media." "Hey, handshakes are for strangers." "We hug around here, buddy." "What's up?" "What's up?" "Welcome to town." "Come on, don't be shy." "I like that beard." "Abe Lincoln-style." "Have a seat, boys." "Murph!" "Yeah, Deeds?" "I thought you were sick today." "No." "That was a lie, pal." "Well, you fooled me." "I did?" "Oh, yeah." "Mr. Deeds?" "Just Deeds." "You sounded so sick on the phone." "You're good." "Do that sick voice again." "(SICKLY) Deeds, I can't come to work today." "I think I got strep throat." "(COUGHING VIOLENTLY)" "That's unbelievable." "You could be a radio actor or something." "(LAUGHS) Thanks, buddy." "Sure." "Hey, Deeds." "Read a card already." "I got to get back on duty." "(ALL AGREEING)" "Okay." "I'd better get up there." "Good meeting you, gentlemen." "Mr. Deeds, does the name Preston Blake mean anything to you?" "Well, Mom's maiden name was Blake." "I only got one for you guys this week, but I got a feeling it's gonna end my losing streak with Hallmark." "Deeds, Preston Blake was your mother's uncle." "You're kidding me." "I got an uncle?" "That's awesome." "How's he doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, no." "Well, if there's anything I can do..." "ALL: (CHANTING) Deeds!" "Deeds!" "Deeds!" "Deeds!" "DEEDS:" "Okay." "I'll be right with you guys." "When Mr. Blake died, he left an enormous fortune." "$40 billion." "He left it all to you, Deeds." "Wait a minute." "What are you talking about, you got to get back on duty?" "You're not a cop." "Yeah, you're right." "I got this down at the costume shop." "But it can't hurt to pretend. (LAUGHS)" "What a wisenheimer!" "Okay, everybody, it's show time." "(ALL CHEERING)" "I call this "50th Anniversary Card."" "Which is quite a feat nowadays." ""Fifty years have passed by with laughter and tears." ""Do you remember when we went to the zoo," ""and that time we drank all the beers?"" "(LAUGHS) Yeah." "Beers!" "Oh, yeah." ""I promise to love you for 50 years more," ""even when your bosoms sag down to the floor."" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "That was awesome!" "How's he do it?" "(SNIFFLING)" "It looks like you won't have to be delivering pizzas anymore, Deeds." "Now you're a very rich man." "What's that got to do with delivering pizzas?" "Ladies!" "The top one's yours." "Oh!" "Thank you, Deeds." "Of course." "Yummy!" "Yummy!" "So, Deeds, what's new?" "I found out I have an uncle, but he died." "That's too bad." "He gave me $40 billion, though." "Well, that's nice." "Oh, yeah!" "Don't you go and spend it all on some fancy record player." "I won't." "Who are your friends, Deeds?" "I'm sorry." "Chuck, Cecil, this is Jane, Kitty, and Sue." "Pleasure to meet you, Cecil." "Pleasure's all mine, Kitty." "Or should I just say, "Meow"?" "(ALL GIGGLING)" "Keep it in your pants, Anderson." "Now, why am I inheriting this money?" "You're Mr. Blake's closest living relative." "Really?" "He had nobody else?" "Nope, that's it." "(MAN GRUNTING) Gosh, I never even met the guy." "Would you hold this for a second?" "Mr. Wetherley, how you doing, pal?" "Very well, Deeds." "Just going to the pharmacy." "Oh!" "Well, let me get you there a little quicker." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "How's your wife?" "She's fine." "Terrific." "Say hi for me." "I will." "Okay." "Here you go." "Thanks for the lift, Deeds." "Oh." "You got it." "(GRUNTING)" "Deeds, we need you to come back to New York with us." "Just for a few days." "We're drawing up some papers that you'll need to sign." "What kind of papers?" "You see, technically, you've inherited 300 million shares of Blake Media, Inc." "Chuck and I, along with some of the partners, are gonna buy that stock for $40 billion, which, of course, we've had to borrow from various..." "Who cares about all the financial mumbo jumbo?" "We just need a little bit of time to dot the t's and cross the i's." "And while we're doing that, we need you to stay away from the press." "All the media frenzy will die down in a couple weeks, but until then..." "Oh!" "You don't want reporters crawling all over this lovely little town, do you?" "Oh, no!" "Crazy Eyes!" "Huh?" "What?" "Hey, Deeds." "How you doing, pal?" "I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it." "Oh, yes!" "French fries and Oreos." "You know me all too well, Deeds." "What are you in for?" "I'm doing a one-nighter for biting Ed the mailman." "The guy was trying to cast a spell on me, you know, like a wizard or something." "Are you sure about that?" "I don't know." "Maybe he was just waving." "Hey, who are your friends?" "This is Chuck and Cecil, they're from New York." "I don't like them." "Okay." "Nice seeing you." "I've never been to New York before." "I suppose I could check out the sights." "Give me an hour to pack, okay?" "You got it." "Wow." "I'm gonna be the first guy to leave here since Jimmy McNally went to Disney World." "(BAND PLAYING)" "See you later, everybody!" "All right, Miss Kitty." "Bye, bye." "Tomorrow is Kids-Eat-For-Free Day, so don't forget to clean the highchairs, all right?" "Don't worry about a thing, Deedsy, I'll take care of everything." "You go." "You have a good time!" "I'll miss you." "Bye, Jan. Smell you later, Murph." "MURPH:" "Hey, Deeds." "Give us a card!" "Yeah!" ""On my way to the big city for a business trip," ""never ever left Mandrake Falls before, ain't that a pip?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" ""But while I'm gone, I know I'll miss you all a lot." ""So bring your rich butt back here, and buy us all a shot!"" "(LAUGHS) You got it, pal." "(SQUAWKING)" "Take it easy." "The biggest story of the year, and we've got nothing?" "Do you people want to be tabloid journalists?" "Because I don't think so." "You've got to be ruthless." "When I started out," "I slept in Tom and Roseanne's dumpster for two days disguised as a giant carton of ice cream." "I got it!" "My source at Blake says the company helicopter took off from there this afternoon with two male passengers aboard headed for Mandrake Falls." "Where?" "It's some little hick-ass town in New Hampshire." "But now they're on their way back with three male passengers." "That's one more!" "Duh!" "That third guy's our heir." "Nice work, Marty." "They were supposed to arrive at Blake Media at 5:00." "But they made an unscheduled stop in Connecticut." "DEEDS:" "I'm so happy I got the Big Bacon Classic." "Thanks for stopping, buddy." "These are unbelievable." "PILOT:" "Happy to do it, Deeds." "How's that Frosty treating you, Cecil?" "Mmm-hmm." "Mmm." "You got some on your beard." "Hmm?" "I'm just kidding you." "I got him big time, man." "I'm going on the air in two hours' time." "And I want that guy's life story by then." "I'm talking to you, Jim." "And I'm also talking to you, Babe." "Babe?" "Where the hell's Babe?" "You missed another staff meeting." "Mac's pissed." "Well, he's not gonna be pissed when I crack this Blake story." "What do you got?" "Nothing." "Do you have anything?" "I'll have a lot more in a few hours." "Marty, you got to be a pal." "I need this story." "I'm flat broke, and Mac is going to fire me." "How're you flat broke?" "You make more money than anyone here." "What did you blow it on?" "Shoes." "I'll tell you everything I know over lunch tomorrow as long as your club promoter boyfriend doesn't try to run me over with his motorcycle again." "You're safe there." "Ken and I kind of, you know..." "We're taking a break." "Really?" "So he moved out?" "Babe, what are you staying here for?" "I have a spare bedroom." "We tried that once, remember?" "I woke up and you were standing over my bed, breathing heavily." "I was having an asthma attack." "I couldn't find my puffer." "Whoa!" "Easy, fellows." "The Biggie Fries are making a comeback." "You guys football fans?" "I think the Pats could take the conference this year." "I mean, the Dolphins are overrated, and the Jets are choke artists." "Oh, I wouldn't say that, Mr. Deeds." "Just Deeds." "Why is that, though?" "You own the Jets, Deeds." "I do?" "Whoa, that sucks." "Jeez, I hope they don't play the Pats in the playoffs, or I'll have to kill myself." "(LAUGHS)" "I'm still very worried about this." "What do you got in that pipe, hashish?" "You're paranoid." "This guy's perfect for us." "What if he won't sell us his shares?" "If I got Preston Blake to trust me with his company," "I can get this moron to do the same." "I mean, look at him." "(SINGING SPACE ODDITY)" "(SINGING ALONG)" "(SINGING)" "That's right, Anderson." "(CONTINUES SINGING SPACE ODDITY)" "(MIMICS GUITAR PLAYING)" "Enough!" "Hmm." "Party pooper." "Holy cow!" "What's up, New York?" "It's an honor to come to the greatest city in the world!" "(LAUGHS)" "Congratulations, Deeds, you're now the most eligible bachelor in New York." "Well, jeez, I don't want to meet a girl just because I'm wicked rich." "Well, that's nice, but let's see how you stick to your guns once you've paid a visit to one of our many fine gentlemen's clubs." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What?" "My father saved my mother." "She was figure skating and fell through the ice." "I always thought I'd meet a girl, kind of, the same way." "Some bullspit like that." "Well, then I'll just keep a lookout for ladies in distress, as it were." "That'd be nice." "Hey, Mandrake Falls!" "Security, stop that guy!" "(PHOTOGRAPHER SCREAMS) Stop!" "Come back here!" "CHUCK:" "He's gonna get 100 grand for that picture." "It'll be all over the news in an hour." "Well, he deserves it with those James Bond moves he just pulled." "No, he deserves to get his throat cut, the filthy spy." "Come on, let's go." "(WHIMPERING)" "(GASPS)" "So this is where my uncle lived?" "Yes, sir." "For the last 35 years of his astonishing life." "Boy, you kind of snuck up on me there." "I am very, very sneaky, sir." "I see that." "My name's Deeds." "I am Emilio, sir." "I am your servant." "Servant?" "I don't want a servant, but if you want to be my friend, I'll take that." "Friends." "Yes, good friends." "Would you like to go down to your apartment, sir?" "I'm sure it's been an exhausting day." "That okay with you, Chuck?" "You'll be safe there." "It'll take us a couple days to get the papers drawn up for you to sign." "Go make yourself at home." "Terrific." "Later." "I will be with you shortly, sir." "You got it." "Hey, nice to meet you." "I'm Deeds." "I'm Reuben, sir." "This is a wicked nice elevator." "Keep an eye on him, Emilio." "Or it's your ass." "It's nice to see you, too, sir." "So how's the elevator business treating you, Reuben?" "It has its ups and downs." "(LAUGHING) All right!" "All right!" "That was good." "Jeezum crow, how'd you get down here so fast?" "Sneaky-sneaky, sir." "Right this way." "Wow." "(ECHOING)" "Wow." "Is something the matter, sir?" "(BUZZING) (ECHOING)" "That's an echo, sir." "Yeah, you try it." "Me, sir?" "It's a lot of fun." "Whoo." "(ECHOING)" "Come on, you can do it louder than that." "Whoo!" "(ECHOING)" "(LAUGHS)" "Serious." "Thank you, sir." "Hey, buddy, how you doing?" "You want to give it a shot?" "(SHOUTS)" "Nice." "DEEDS:" "You guys want to join us?" "Make a weird noise." "(ALL SHOUTING) (ALL ECHOING)" "That was a great time." "Well, I'm kind of tired." "I'd like to go to sleep if I could." "This way, Mr. Deeds." "Thank you very much." "Good night, everyone." "ALL:" "Good night, Mr. Deeds." "Yeah?" "(CLEARS THROAT) You just going to lie there and let the Post take your story?" "What's up, New York?" "He had a water fountain in his room." "I love it." "That's Hawaiian Punch." "He adored Hawaiian Punch." "Wow!" "You kind of just snuck up on me there, man." "I fear you're underestimating the sneakiness, sir." "Yeah." "I guess I was." "What are you doing down there?" "I am assisting you with your sock change." "You're gonna change my socks for me?" "You don't got to do that." "Come on, stand up." "Thank you, sir." "Besides, you don't want to have to touch my right foot." "I got wicked bad frostbite when I was in the Scouts." "Check it out." "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "Pretty messed up, huh?" "The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever." "Yeah, I've heard that before." "But the weird thing is I got no feeling left in it." "So you could, like, jump on it and it wouldn't hurt me." "Go ahead, jump on it." "I would really rather not, sir." "Please." "Please jump on my foot." "(YELLS)" "Yeah." "I didn't feel that." "What else you got?" "Hey, get that fireplace poker right there and just whack my foot." "Do I absolutely have to?" "It's gonna be fun." "Just grab it." "All my friends do this when they're wasted." "(LAUGHS)" "Come on." "Go ahead, give it a whack." "Nothing." "Really?" "Isn't that sick?" "Didn't feel that." "Isn't that awesome?" "Go ahead." "Nothing." "Yeah." "I know." "I know you're starting to like it, aren't you?" "Chop that wood!" "Yeah." "That's it!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "You're sick!" "You're sick!" "Why would you do that to me?" "I'm just kidding you, pal. (LAUGHS)" "(CHUCKLES IN RELIEF)" "You had me going there." "I saw your face, you were like..." "Anyway, I gotta talk to Cedar and Anderson, find out what I'm supposed to be doing today." "So could you take that out of my foot?" "I'm nailed to the ground here." "(GRUNTING)" "There you go." "I must insist on absolute secrecy regarding this discussion till I've officially acquired Mr. Blake's shares." "If that's acceptable to you, then as far as I'm concerned you've just bought 2,000 radio stations." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Morning." "Deeds." "What's up?" "Doing a little business." "Whoo-hoo!" "(ECHOING)" "This room's an echo room, too." "I'm sure you guys already knew that." "May I help you?" "I just wanted to see if there's anything I should be doing today." "Well, I think we've got everything under control." "Well, there's got to be something." "I mean, until I sign those papers," "I kind of own this place, right?" "(LAUGHS) What?" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Anderson, what's up, buddy?" "I was dreaming about Frosties all last night." "You?" "I tried to make my own at home, but it just wasn't the same." "CHUCK:" "Deeds." "Every stockholder, large and small, has a say in the operation of this company." "And they have this say at the annual stockholders' meeting." "The other 364 days of the year, the officers of the company, like me, run the show." "You mean now that my uncle's gone." "Yeah, and it's not all fun and games." "This company is a player on so many levels and in so many areas that running it is literally a 24-hour-a-day job." "I mean, I only got three hours of sleep last night." "Then it's actually a 21 -hour-a-day job, huh?" "Move it, lady." "I don't give a damn about no meeting." "Mr. Cedar, I am sorry..." "Hey!" "I passed for 3,500 yards last season, and I ain't even gonna touch a football until you get off your fat, rich asses and renegotiate my bullshit contract." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Easy with the language, buddy." "There are ladies present." "Shut the hell up, rich boy!" "I want more money, or y'all can just suck my... (GROANS)" "Ooh!" "I warned you." "You went down like a sack of potatoes," "I'll tell you that much." "Come on." "(GROANING)" "Come on, big man." "Upsy-daisy." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Football!" "(LAUGHS)" "What's the problem with your contract?" "You know, I figured if I played well," "I'd renegotiate and get more money." "If you didn't play well, could we renegotiate and pay you less?" "Shit, no!" "I mean, no." "Doesn't seem fair to me." "CHUCK:" "Deeds." "Kevin led the League in touchdown passes." "That's okay, Chuck." "I got this one." "(SIGHS)" "Listen, fellows, I want more money, or I ain't even gonna play another down." "Well, we're gonna have to let you go then." "(SCOFFS) Let me go?" "Yeah, you're fired." "So can I sign with another team?" "You can do anything you want, but I suggest you change your attitude, or nobody's gonna want to work with you." "Bye." "Deeds, Kevin won the Heisman Trophy two years ago." "He is our best player." "Don't worry about it, he'll be back." "Biggest mistake of your lives!" "This thing's cool." "Hey." "Why don't you get out and enjoy the city?" "Everything's fine here." "Take that with you." "No, I'll leave it here." "That's all right." "But call me if you need me, all right?" "Absolutely." "Thanks." "Love you, Anderson." "Oh!" "All you guys, I noticed you were French." "The opposite of bonjour to you." "Whoo-hoo!" "(ECHOING)" "You look so hot as a blond." "You don't think it's too streaky?" "I feel like he did it really streaky." "No, I love it, but you should let me go undercover." "This could get dangerous." "No." "He said he likes ladies in distress, not men who wear too much cologne." "BABE:" "Oh!" "There he is." "DEEDS:" "Thanks for the New York City tour, Tommy." "TOMMY:" "You're welcome, Deeds." "Hidden cameras on, ready to go." "Molest me." "(SIGHS)" "Marty, molest me!" "You got it!" "Oh, God." "Help!" "Yeah." "Come on." "Give it to me." "Help, I'm being mugged!" "All right!" "Come on!" "Help!" "Help!" "I'm being mugged!" "Stop it!" "Good luck." "See you at the office." "(GASPS)" "DEEDS:" "Don't worry, I'll get him." "Oh, shit!" "Stop!" "Stop right there." "(GASPING)" "(GROANS)" "Oh!" "Come on!" "Ah!" "Ow!" "What's your problem, pal?" "Come up here." "Got your pocketbook." "Get a job, pal." "(GROANING) Miss!" "Miss!" "Are you okay?" "What happened?" "Let me help you up." "All right, now." "All right." "(PANTING)" "Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger." "As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling." "And also wore more cologne than any man should wear." "I got this back for you, though." "Thank you." "Can I take you to the hospital?" "No, no." "I'll be all right." "I just feel a little dizzy and violated." "I'm fine." "(GROANS)" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Please, let me take you to the emergency room." "Huh?" "Oh." "I'm sure I'll be all right." "I just need to perhaps walk it off or..." "Could you?" "Sure." "Sure." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "My name's Pam." "Pam Dawson." "My name is Deeds." "I'm not from here." "I'm just visiting." "Where do you hail from, Deeds?" "Mandrake Falls, New Hampshire." "Just a little town nobody's ever heard of." "I'm from a little town like that." "In Iowa." "Is that right?" "What part?" "Winchestertonfieldville." "Yes, the small town of Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa." "(GROANING)" "(MOUTHING) I'm sorry." "So what are you doing in New York?" "I'm a school nurse." "There's no way you're a school nurse." "Why don't you believe me?" "You're too nice to be a school nurse." "My school nurse was so mean." "Every time I would tell her I had a tummy ache, she'd send me back to my class and say, "Stop whining."" "But that's awful!" "Well, I said it every day." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "I missed my mother." "Oh!" "That's sweet." "Miss Dawson?" "Mmm-hmm." "How would you like to maybe go out and have a New York City dinner with me?" "Golly." "Well..." "That sounds wonderful." "It does?" "Yeah." "Let's do it, then." "Okay." "Damn you, Old Spice." "(COUGHING)" "So you run this pizza place and you have your poetry." "So what brings you to the big city?" "Actually, I just inherited $40 billion." "Well, that's nice, but I think anything over $30 billion's just gravy." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "I like that." "Your hair is very blond and pretty." "(STAMMERING) I'm of Swedish ancestry." "Really?" "Yes." "My grandfather was in ABBA." "ABBA, the band?" "(STAMMERING) Excuse me, do you get any famous people in here?" "Famous, rich, powerful." "Really?" "We don't get any famous people in Mandrake Falls." "Actually, Stephen King stopped by our gas station one time, but everybody was too scared to talk to him." "I'd imagine he'd be very spooky." "Jake, the gas station attendant, made eye contact with him." "That night he lost 200 pounds." "Wow." "Anyway, your chicken parmesan should be ready soon." "Okay, buddy." "Hey, you know what?" "I saw a couple over there." "It's their anniversary." "Give them this." "Don't say it's from us, though." "This is, like, $20,000." "Tell them it was like a restaurant giveaway, or something like that." "Thanks, buddy." "That's an awfully nice way to start spending your money." "Is that who I think it is?" "Who?" "Preston Blake's nephew, the $40 billion man." "We have to meet him." "Dave?" "Gosh, I hope that mugger got home okay." "Mr. Deeds." "Yeah." "Mr. Simonds would like to invite you to join his party." "Why is that?" "Just to enjoy the pleasure of your company." "Wow, that's pretty cool of him." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Well, that was a very nice hug, Deeds." "It's wicked nice of you guys to invite us over here." "This is awesome." "Have we met?" "Not unless you have a sick kid." "You're a very important man in this town now, Mr. Deeds." "I don't know about that." "I sing at the Metropolitan Opera, and Blake Media contributes 50% of our budget." "So, on behalf of the opera... ♪ Thank you ♪" "That was awesome!" "You shouldn't be thanking me, though." "You should be thanking my great-uncle." "He was a pretty interesting man." "I served on the board of the Guggenheim with him." "Really?" "I'm not sure what that is, but good luck with it." "(LAUGHS)" "You know, I would love to write a piece on you for The New Yorker." "What's The New Yorker?" "It's a magazine." "Uh-huh." "With essays, witty cartoons." "I read the Mandrake Falls Gazette and they got some cartoons in there also." "You know who's a riot?" "That Beetle Bailey guy." "He's always wearing his hat and doing his thing." "But it is an honor to meet a real writer such as yourself, George." "I've been trying to get my stuff published for years, but that Hallmark is one tough cookie to crack." "Hallmark?" "He writes greeting cards." "I try." "You must share one with us." "I don't know about that, Mr. French." "Who's Mr. French?" "Doesn't he look like Mr. French?" "I've never heard of him." "Come on." "All right." "All right," "I'll give you one." "This is a Mother's Day card I've been working on." ""Mom, you are the one who brought me to Planet Earth." ""You are the one who suffered through my 14-hour birth." ""You are the one who made lemonade for me" ""after I'd come back from play." ""I love you, Mom," ""so have a wicked nice Mother's Day."" "Something like that." "An instant classic!" "♪ Genius, genius, genius ♪" "Do you write your poems with a crayon, Deeds?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "It's amazing!" "I see why you brought me here." "To goof on me, huh?" "Don't be silly, Deeds." "Pipe down, George." "I may seem funny to you, but if you came to Mandrake Falls, you might seem funny to us." "Only nobody would laugh at you and make you feel stupid, 'cause that wouldn't be good manners." "Maybe my poems aren't that great, but I know some people who like them." "Anyways, it's the best I can do." "Okay." "Well, we're going to get going." "Sorry about that, Pam." "I hope I didn't embarrass you." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "And if it wasn't for Miss Dawson being here," "I'd probably knock your heads in." "I don't mind." "Okay." "♪ No ♪" "(DINERS EXCLAIMING)" "I think I just shat myself." "How would you like to go see the sights now, Miss Dawson?" "Oh." "Yes." "I just need to powder my nose." "That'd be great." "I'll get your coat." "Okay." "Okay." "Hey, buddy, this will pay for everything I damaged." "Sorry about that." "Good to meet you guys." "Thank you." "God, that was good stuff." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "I want a raise, Mac." "Yes." "Yes." "Hey, man!" "What's up?" "Holy cannoli, you're John McEnroe!" "Hey, I saw what you did to those guys who were making fun of you." "Nice work." "You know what it's like to get riled up, don't you, Johnny Mac?" "That I do." "I'm Deeds, by the way." "Deeds, nice to meet you." "You got to let me buy you a drink." "Oh!" "Miss Dawson, this is John McEnroe." "Hello." "Miss Dawson, nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you, too." "I kind of promised Miss Dawson I'd take her out sightseeing." "Look, the sights are great." "I've seen the sights." "I love the sights." "Let me show you a New York most people will never see." "Uh-oh." "That okay with you, Miss Dawson?" "Sounds like fun!" "Here's to a big night on the town." "Okay." "(MOUTHING) Yes!" "(GROANING)" "What happened?" "Here are some aspirins, Mr. Deeds." "They make your head seem smaller." "(GRUNTING)" "How did I get in these pajamas?" "I changed you." "I was very gentle, sir." "I think I drank all the alcohol in Manhattan last night." "And you nearly succeeded according to Miss Dawson." "Miss Dawson." "I don't even remember taking her home." "Is she okay?" "I took the liberty of sending her off in the company limousine." "She was a lady in distress and I helped her." "Dreamt about her last night." "Usually when you get blackout drunk, you don't dream." "So I read." "What's up, Chuck?" "America's newest billionaire... (LAUGHING) ...stupid and drunk." "What's this?" "Well, it was quite a night for Longfellow Deeds." "Oh, no." "They're gonna know my name's Longfellow." "After punching out some society types," "Deeds joined forces with the original bad boy of tennis, John McEnroe." "And stupidity won in straight sets." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "How'd they get that footage?" "DEEDS:" "Watch out, Johnny!" "Whoa!" "What kind of driving is that?" "You're a (BLEEP) disgrace!" "No, sir." "You're a disgrace." "We did it, man!" "Johnny McEnroe!" "(LAUGHS) Look at Deedsy hanging out with McEnroe!" "That's awesome!" "I love the Beach Boys." "Here I go, here I go." "(REGGAE SONG PLAYING)" "This is not the kind of attention we need right now." "What do you mean?" "For the moment, you are the largest stockholder, and people might think any instability you show may equal instability in the company." "My bad." "My bad." "My bad." "Okay." "Okay." "My bad." "Okay." "Shall I call your car, Mr. Cedar, to take you to the funeral?" "What funeral?" "Your great-uncle's funeral." "His funeral's today?" "Today, yes." "I'll go get my suit on." "Cute, bigmouth." "Sir?" "As soon as that moron goes back to Cowpie Falls, you are out of here on your fat Puerto Rican ass." "I hail from Spain, sir." "(EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)" "REVEREND:" "Now, Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above." "Because he lived a life of love." "Yes, he's flying way up high because he was a super cool guy." "He's gone away, too soon, it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams." "This guy could make a fortune writing greeting cards." "Yes, we remember Preston Blake." "A man with faith no man could shake." "A strength no man could break." "A character no man could fake." "For goodness sake, let's eat some cake." "ALL:" "Amen." "Amen." "Excuse me, Reverend, that was a grand slam." "I mean, that part with soaring with the eagles gave me goose bumps." "Thank you, my brother." "My friend got me a mug for my birthday." "It says, "It's hard to soar with the eagles" ""when you're surrounded by turkeys."" "But what you said was better." "It's all good." "PRIEST:" "Rest in peace, Preston." "That concludes today's service." "(EXCLAIMING)" "I actually, I thought I would say something." "Deedsy was always the best speaker in school." "Deedsy?" "DEEDS:" "Awesome job, by the way, Your Majesty." "I thought we were watching Scooby-Doo." "Hi, my name is Deeds." "I was Preston Blake's great-nephew." "I wrote a poem for him on my way over here, in my head." "And I'm going to recite it for you." "I didn't realize I'd be following the rhyme-master Reverend Sharpton." "But here we go anyways." ""You climbed mountains and built skyscrapers" ""You made TV shows and put out newspapers" ""You were wicked good at doing stocks" ""You liked it when Emilio would change your socks" ""We never hung out and that makes me sad" ""All the good times we could've had"" "Nice rhyme." ""But when I die, Uncle Preston, you'd better say, 'Cheers!" "'" ""'Cause me and you are hanging at the pearly gates" ""I'll bring the beers, I'll bring the beers"" "He's good." "ALL:" "Amen." "Now, I know this is supposed to be a closed casket, but where I come from we feel it's good to see the body for the grieving process, so... (ALL SCREAMING)" "Sorry about that!" "I'll keep this sucker closed." "(CRACKLING)" "(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)" "He's still pretty frozen." "Almost there." "(BONE CRACKS)" "(GROANS)" "I'll keep an eye on the company for you, buddy." "Love you." "Nice meeting you." "Thanks for the apartment." "That was freaky." "Everybody drive home safe." "Man, this guy is in way over his head." "Take care, Father." "You're gonna see him again tonight?" "Yes, I'm calling at around 4:00." "That's when I get off work." "Remember, I'm Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "That's priceless." "You, a virgin." "All right, thank you." "Excuse me, sir." "It's all right." "I told him he could have that." "Thanks, Deeds." "Right on, buddy." "Nice seeing you." "You need to use our bathroom, come back and use it, okay?" "Will do, Deeds." "All right." "How do you think I did at the funeral today?" "You spoke beautifully, sir." "I still feel bad." "I think I snapped my uncle's hand off when I was putting him back in the casket." "Lucky for him, he was dead, sir." "Even though his face was frozen that way, it looked to me like he was a happy guy." "Am I right?" "Oh." "He truly was." "Come on, sit down, please." "And I got to hang out with him, just like this, almost every day for 30 years." "What did you guys talk about?" "We spoke of life, love, art, wine, business." "I learned much from him." "I bet you miss him, too." "I do." "He was like a parent to me." "You see, I never knew my father." "And Mama, she passed while giving the birth to me." "You want some Cocoa Pebbles?" "No, thanks." "Okay." "I have much work to do." "Thanks." "You don't got to do that." "All right." "Thank you." "Enjoy your Pebbles." "One more thing." "Your great-uncle did not let me change his socks for him, either." "I like feet." "I do not know why." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Hi, Deeds?" "It's Pam." "Pam Dawson." "I'm so happy you called." "I'm wicked sorry about last night." "I don't drink very often." "Oh!" "I thought you held your liquor very well." "Well, unfortunately, I couldn't hold it for too long." "That's okay." "I didn't really like that skirt anyway." "(CHUCKLING)" "(PHONE BEEPS) I'm getting a call on the other line." "Do you think you can hang on for a second?" "Sure." "Thank you." "Hello." "Mr. Deeds, this is Kevin Ward, the quarterback you punched." "Okay." "What's up, buddy?" "Yeah." "I wanted to say that I was thinking it over and I'd like to live up to my word." "And I'd like to win you a Super Bowl." "That's terrific, pal." "And my daddy wants to speak to you." "Deeds." "Buddy Ward here, Kevin's daddy." "How you doing there, Mr. Ward?" "I just want to thank you for teaching my boy a lesson." "Not a problem, sir." "He's a good kid." "He's just gotta watch his language in front of the ladies." "(CHUCKLES) I'll remind Kevin where he comes from." "Okay." "That sounds terrific." "You used foul language in front of a lady?" "No, Daddy, no!" "(BELT WHIPPING)" "(KEVIN SCREAMING)" "Pam." "Still here, Deeds." "So how's it going?" "You at work?" "Yep, up here in the nurse's office." "Any customers?" "Customers?" "Oh, sick kids." "Well, little Billy Barty's here." "You're not feeling too good, Billy?" "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Miss Dawson, my tummy hurts." "Okay." "Why don't you just lay back and relax?" "That was nice." "Good job." "I've got too much doo-doo in my underpants." "(CRYING) Make the stinky go away." "Well, you sound like you got your hands full, so I'll just come out with it." "How would you like to do something with me tonight?" "I'd love to do something with you." "Great." "Well, we can't go out drinking 'cause I got our company in trouble." "Oh." "That's okay." "I was brought up never to drink alcohol." "Not even rum raisin ice cream." "I like that." "I'll think of something good, okay?" "See you tonight." "Okay." "Bye." "I got to try this." "(WHOOPING)" "Whoa." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)" "Was that awesome?" "Am I out or safe?" "I'm with you." "What is this?" "My great-uncle's personal journal." "Should I read it?" "Family." "Family, safe, good." "All right, have a good night." "My back hurts!" "Nice doing business with you, fellows." "Thank you, Mr. Deeds." "Thanks for the bikes." "What are you gonna do with your $20,000?" "Buy a giraffe." "What are you gonna do with your $20,000?" "Quit school." "Good idea." "School is for fools." "Look at me!" "(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "The park is beautiful." "These trees, they remind you of Winchestertonfieldville at all?" "Oh!" "Yes." "Yes." "Very much so." "What was it like growing up there?" "It was great." "I remember walking down to the corner drugstore and getting malted milkshakes." "What was your house like?" "We had this big Victorian." "Right off Main Street." "Blue shutters and a big red door." "All right." "And a tire swing in the front yard." "I love it." "And I remember the time I fell out of old Boo Radley's apple tree and broke my arm." "And my father, before he passed away from the disease of the lepers, he came and he scooped me up, and he ran me all the way to Dr. Pepper's." "Dr. Pepper?" "Yeah." "I'm glad that guy was around." "Want to sit down?" "Sure." "Thank you." "My pleasure." "I was reading my great-uncle's journal on my way over to you." "And when he was age nine, he wrote that he had the only family on the block with a radio, and he was dreaming about becoming a disc jockey someday." "A disc jockey?" "Yeah." "Wow." "You know, when I was a kid," "I wanted to be a news reporter." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "I used to go around interviewing everyone, and writing notes in my little Holly Hobbie notebook." "People didn't like that." "I got beat up a lot." "Do you remember their names?" "Oh." "No, it was a long time ago." "Okay." "But my grandma said to me," ""One day, honey, you're gonna grow up," ""and you're gonna work for 60 Minutes," ""and make a difference in the world."" "Well, you do make a difference in the world every day." "You're a school nurse." "Yeah." "Anyways, this is what happened to my uncle." "Later on in his life, he'd go to this radio station that he owned at, like, 3:00 in the morning, and DJ for an hour." "Oh!" "That's great." "Yeah." "So don't give up hope." "You'll be a reporter someday." "If you really want to." "That would be nice." "(SIREN WAILING)" "Jeezum crow, a fire!" "Fire?" "We should help." "We should?" "Let's get going." "To the fire?" "Yeah." "WOMAN:" "Fifi, get over here right now." "Come on, we'll catch you." "Go away!" "No!" "I can't leave without me kitties." "They're all I got." "Crazy lady!" "Babies, where are you?" "Don't worry!" "Get up there now." "Get going!" "Longfellow Deeds, Mandrake Falls volunteer fire chief." "I'll be up there in a jiff, buddy." "OFFICER:" "Get right back in the car." "Yeah, take them." "Where's he going?" "FIREMAN:" "Watch it, man!" "Hey, Sully, who's that guy up there?" "I don't know." "He says he's from the Mandrake Falls Fire Department." "(ALL GASPING)" "How the hell does he climb like that?" "He must have monkey blood in him or something." "DEEDS:" "It's an honor to work with New York's bravest guys." "Be careful, Deeds!" "I'm gonna get you." "WOMAN:" "Where are me babies?" "Babies, where are you?" "Ma'am!" "Oh, Lord, it's hot in here." "Calm down." "Calm down." "Kitties, come to Mommy." "Everything's gonna be all right." "Okay, but I'm not leaving without me kitties." "How many do you got?" "Seven." "Holy shit!" "Let's get cracking." "I apologize for the language." "Apology accepted." "(GASPING)" "Fire excites me." "Knock yourself out." "Come here." "Come here." "WOMAN:" "Yes." "That's Freddy." "Here we go!" "Whoo!" "Oh!" "My children!" "FIREMAN:" "Look out!" "(SCREECHING)" "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "Nice catch, Pam!" "Good throw, Deeds!" "Whee!" "(MAN GRUNTS)" "WOMAN:" "That's Frobo." "Thank you, darling." "Coming at you, boys." "I'll take that." "There's a lot more." "Okay, okay, okay." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(MEOWING)" "Holy shit, it's a cat!" "Oh, snap." "I got you, kitty." "Nice grab!" "DEEDS:" "One more to go." "Fifi, where are you?" "DEEDS:" "I think I found Fifi." "(CAT SCREECHING)" "WOMAN:" "Oh!" "Good!" "Hang in there." "Hang in there, buddy!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "(MEOWS) (LAUGHS)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Okay, let's do this together." "WOMAN:" "I'm scared." "Deeds, be careful!" "All right, they do it all the time." "Here we go." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Oh, shit!" "(WOMAN GRUNTS)" "Deeds." "I'm okay." "Are you okay?" "Yes, I am." "Thanks to you!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "DEEDS:" "You're hurting me!" "Longfellow Deeds is at it again." "His latest victim, Coretta Keeling, whose only crime was loving her cats too much." "And letting Deeds find out about it." "I'm gonna get you!" "Go away!" "I love it." "DEEDS:" "Here comes two!" "(SQUISHING)" "MAN:" "Cat killer!" "Cat killer!" "MAC:" "After he finished with her cats, he turned his sights on Miss Keeling herself." "No!" "No!" "My God!" "That's not what I shot." "Has Longfellow Deeds been locked up?" "Of course not." "While the rest of us obey the law, rich playboys like himself get to laugh at it." "(LAUGHING)" "Longfellow Deeds." "Our jackass of the week." "(JACKASS BRAYING)" "What the hell?" "Who edited that?" "I did." "Your first cut was great, but I needed to spice it up a bit." "The truth was a great story." "He saved that woman and her seven cats." "He was heroic!" "Heroic is nice." "Depraved and insane is better." "Hell, yeah!" "Babe, this footage you're getting, gorgeous." "Keep it coming!" "God, how can we do this to such a sweet guy?" "Sweet?" "Sweet?" "Look at me!" "Was he being sweet when he gave me the most savage beating of my life?" "You were mugging me!" "Babe, no one is as good as this guy's pretending to be." "Don't be a sucker." "He doesn't deserve this." "He doesn't deserve you." "Ow!" "My neck!" "(SNIFFS)" "DEEDS:" "I feel like an idiot." "They made me look like a fool, Jan." "I was thinking of going down to that Inside Access place and giving Mac McGrath the beating of a lifetime." "JAN:" "That sounds like fun, but don't stoop to their level." "You're better than that, Deedsy." "So hang in there." "And know that we are always here for you." "Thanks, Jan." "My uncle really built an amazing company." "Because of him, 50,000 people have jobs." "And he always tried to do the right thing." "Well, he does sound amazing." "But don't forget, he was related to you." "Enough about that." "Tell me more about this girl." "She's nice." "A small-town kid, like me." "Deedsy, you sick-ass mo' fo'." "You got to tap that before she starts boning other guys, kid." "Boo-Yah!" "He thinks it's you!" "He thinks it's you!" "(LAUGHING)" "DEEDS:" "Let's go, Cedar." "Put some steam on it, kid." "Here it comes." "(EXCLAIMS)" "He's trying to kill me." "You're good at this." "You know, when you asked me to play," "I thought you'd done this before." "No, Johnny McEnroe said it was wicked easy." "Plus, it was my uncle's favorite game, right?" "How'd you know that?" "I read it in his diary." "Really?" "I didn't know he kept a diary." "(SCREAMS)" "Sorry about that, dude." "It's okay." "He's a new member." "Ball boy." "Ball boy!" "All right, baby, I'm ready for you." "(GROANS)" "You okay?" "Not a problem." "Anderson, you liked that, didn't you?" "I did." "CHUCK:" "Listen, Deeds, I got some good news." "Those papers will be ready to sign tomorrow." "So you can relax knowing your uncle's company's gonna be in good hands, and you can go home $40 billion richer." "I actually was thinking about maybe sticking around here and going to some meetings with you." "What?" "(GROANS)" "Whoa!" "Fault!" "I figured I could learn, you know, like this tennis thing." "Oh!" "I swear to God, I'm not trying to do that. (LAUGHS)" "(CHUCKLING)" "I don't got to sell my shares right away, do I?" "Huh?" "Plus, I met this girl, Cedar." "I swear to God, I think she's the one." "CHUCK:" "That's wonderful for you." "(CHOKING)" "That got you right in the throat, huh?" "(CHUCKLING)" "Got to ask you, though, if it hits you, is it my point or yours?" "Yours." "Well, I'm winning then, I guess." "Psst!" "(CHUCK READING)" "(SHOWER RUNNING)" "CHUCK:" "Sweet Jesus!" "Who are you?" "And what do you want to tell me?" "I'm a junior producer at Inside Access." "And I have information that will help you get Deeds out of town." "Interested?" "Very." "Provided the information is good, and you stop soaping your ass." "You know Deeds' girlfriend?" "The school nurse." "Not quite." "Lucy, bring me the overnights." "JD will tell you where they are." "Hey, what the hell are you doing in my chair?" "Chuck Cedar." "I think you and I could help each other out, Mr. McGrath." "DEEDS:" "You excited about this trip?" "I'm so excited." "Where are you taking me?" "I told you that's a surprise." "Well... (BABE READING)" "You got to be shitting me." "Whoa!" "I never heard you curse before." "I'm that excited!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "All you Winchestertonfieldvillians, recognize this little girl?" "Hey, I'll give you a hint." ""I fell out of Boo Radley's apple tree," ""and my arm is killing me!"" "Ow!" "Come on, it's little Pammy Dawson!" "Hello." "You related to Bill Dawson?" "Yes, he's my relative." "I think I remember you." "Did you used to have a kind of hump on your back?" "Yes, that was me." "I had a slight hump." "Really?" "This was no slight hump." "The girl I'm thinking of looked like she had a damn beach ball on her back." "Okay, it was a huge hump, and I'm a little sensitive about it." "Look, Martha, it's Quasimodo, all growed up." "How wonderful!" "I thought you died." "No!" "She actually became a school nurse." "You're a nurse?" "Yes." "What should I do about this?" "(GRUNTING)" "I would call Dr. Pepper." "Who?" "It was so great seeing everybody again." "We're going to leave now." "ALL:" "Bye." "Hi, mailman." "Morning." "How you doing?" "Oh, my God, there it is." "Blue shutters, red door, tire swing." "That's your house, isn't it?" "(LAUGHING)" "Wouldn't you know it?" "Come on." "DEEDS:" "Hey, how you guys doing?" "You know who she is?" "She actually used to live in this house when she was a little girl." "It's true." "DEEDS:" "You live here and she used to live here." "You're practically cousins." "Wow!" "So many memories." "Where to begin?" "This is our fireplace where my dad would build fires out of wood." "And this is the dining room where we would have our meals made of food." "And this was my brother's room." "My parents hated my brother." "My daddy built this house with his bare hands six years ago." "Well, your daddy is a liar." "How come you... (CHOKING)" "Oh." "He's choking." "We should go." "Help." "What are you talking about?" "You're the nurse." "Come on, help him." "KIDS:" "Save him!" "Stand back, kids." "He's gonna die!" "Take him to the hospital!" "Smack it out of him!" "GIRL:" "Save him!" "Get it out of him!" "GIRL:" "Save him, please!" "Ohh!" "(GASPS)" "That was amazing." "BOY:" "Thank you." "I saved his life." "Yeah." "You're my hero, Nurse Dawson." "Thank you, thank you." "Good parking job, buddy." "Thanks, Deeds." "Testing, testing." "I had such a wonderful time." "Thank you for such a great day." "Oh." "Yeah." "Thanks for showing me your town." "I hope sometime to see your hometown." "Maybe someday this will be my new hometown." "Deeds, there's something I have to tell you." "What's the matter?" "What?" "Go back to New Hampshire, and enjoy being rich." "Just don't let anyone hurt you anymore, okay?" "Sucker." "Pam." "I made a card for you." "It's kind of dumb." "I never worked on anything harder, though, so don't laugh at me." "Remember we went to the restaurant that first night, and you ordered chicken parmesan?" "So I drew you a plate." "There's the chicken and the cheese and the linguini." "That actually took me a long tim e with the squigglies." "It's beautiful." "There's a poem inside for you." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(VOICE BREAKING) "Hard to breathe, feels like floating" ""So full of love, my heart's exploding" ""Mouth is dry, hands are shaking" ""My heart is yours for the taking" ""Acting weird, not myself" "(SOBBING) "Dancing around like the Keebler Elf"" "That was funny." ""Finally time for this poor schlub" ""To know how it feels to fall in lub"" "Couldn't think of anything else that rhymes with "schlub."" ""Rub" and "tub" didn't work." "Wow!" "I'm sorry, Deeds." "I'm really sorry." "Don't be sorry, that was unbelievable." "Oh. (LAUGHS)" "Hi, Mrs. Finch and Atticus." "Sleep well." "Al, I'm gonna walk home." "AL:" "Okay, Deeds." "(CRYING)" "Whoo!" "Ow!" "(CAR ALARM RINGING)" "I love New York!" "MAN:" "Nobody cares!" "I'm in love with him." "And I'm going to see him tonight, and I'm telling him everything." "He'll probably punch you in the face." "I kind of hope he does." "Come on, Babe, snap out of it." "You really want to throw all this away for a dipshit like that?" "He's not a dipshit." "He's a goodhearted guy who we think is a weirdo because he doesn't share our sense of ironic detachment." "All this hip, snide, smart-alecky..." "Bullshit?" "Yes, bullshit." "Well, in a few moments, I'm gonna put on my Versace overcoat, get into my Mercedes, drive to my Fifth Avenue apartment, and squeeze my girlfriend's big, fake boobs." "And that bullshit you're talking about paid for all of it." "Good for you, Mac." "But I'm still telling him." "Well." "Babe Bennett falls in love." "I'm happy for you." "I am." "Gonna miss you, Babe." "Something fierce." "You think she's gonna like this?" "All right." "Chicken parmesan?" "Terrific, thank you." "Let's hear it." "(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "She gonna like that, Mr. Deeds." "Okay." "Emilio, it looks beautiful." "Thank you." "Okay." "Think these roses might be a little too high." "I won't be able to see her." "Do we have anything smaller?" "Yes, sir." "Okay." "Byron?" "That's terrific." "Would you mind sitting down for a second?" "Yes, sir." "Say something to me." "Pretend that you're her." "Me, sir?" "Please." "Well." "It's nice of you to have invited me to dine with you this evening." "It's my pleasure." "Actually, you're a little too tall." "Can you slink down?" "Like this?" "That's good." "This is one of the best dates I've ever been on." "You make me feel very special." "You make me feel very special, too." "That's why I got this for you." "Okay, could you lean forward?" "I really like you a lot." "I like you, too." "I can't stop thinking about you." "Please let me touch your feet." "Okay, this is getting weird." "You can stand up now." "Deeds!" "Fellows!" "We wanted to come by and wish you the best on your big night." "Thanks a lot." "I'm so nervous." "I never asked anybody to marry me before." "It's 7:30, time for Inside Access." "We're not in for any more nasty surprises, are we?" "I don't think so." "I haven't done anything stupid all day." "I've been here." "Let's see what kind of lame show they put on when they don't have Deeds to pick on." "Excuse me!" "Could you put on Channel 8, please?" "You got it." "ON SCREEN:" "Welcome to Inside Access." "I'm Mac McGrath." "All of us here at IA take pride in our ability to handle every story with sensitivity and empathy..." "Okay, pal." "...while maintaining an appropriate journalistic distance." "But what happens when a reporter becomes part of what she's reporting?" "What happens when a journalist falls in love with an idiot?" "That's Longfellow Deeds with Pam Dawson." "I can't believe they dragged her in this." "28-year-old school nurse who recently moved to New York City from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa." "But wait." "Doesn't Pam Dawson bear a striking resemblance to Babe Bennett, a producer here at Inside Access?" "In fact, the two are one and the same." "MAC:" "Hey, we're gonna wire your apartment with state-of-the-art surveillance video." "BABE ON SCREEN:" "Sounds good." "BABE:" "Deeds." "I came here to try to explain." "I'm the biggest sucker in the world, fellows." "This town can be brutal." "I don't belong here." "I can't run the company, I can't even run my own damn life." "Well, sure you can." "The good news is the papers are ready." "So once you sign them, we'll get our stock, and you'll get your $40 billion." "I don't want that money." "Just give it to a charity." "What's a good charity?" "The United Negro College Fund?" "Okay, give it to those guys." "Can we give you a ride to the airport?" "The company chopper will take you home." "Thanks, anyway." "I'll be all right on my own." "Nice meeting you all." "Nice meeting you, Deeds." "Goodbye!" "(ECHOING)" "Goodbye." "(CRYING)" "Not right." "It's not right." "Hmm." "(GROANING)" "Oh." "Hi." "You must be Jan. My name is..." "I know who you are." "Wham-bam Dawson." "AKA Little Miss Slut-Slut." "(SIGHS) Okay, I deserve that." "Do you have any idea how much you hurt him?" "You're not getting anywhere near that boy." "I have to find him, and there's nothing you can do to stop me." "There's a lot I can do to stop you." "He needs to know how bad I feel." "And that I would go to the end of the earth." "I would do anything, anything to take back what I did to him." "I'm sorry, all I heard was," ""Blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp."" "(GROANS)" "Tell you what." "You get by me," "(KNUCKLES CRACKING)" "I'll tell you where he is." "(NECK CRACKING)" "Whoo!" "Feeling crazy!" "Okay." "Come to Mama." "(EXHALES)" "(COUGHS) Ow!" "I was a rodeo clown for six years." "You're gonna have to step it up a notch, shorty." "You mean like this?" "(GROANING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Where were you kicking?" "I ain't got no balls, dummy!" "(BABE SCREAMING)" "Please." "Put me down!" "You got it!" "BABE:" "Just tell me where Deeds is." "JAN:" "Bring your bony ass over here." "Whoo!" "I want to cut you into eight slices of bitcheroni." "(SIGHS)" "Are you all right?" "Good kick, honey." "Good kick." "Crazy Eyes!" "Oh." "All right." "Here you go." "Peanut butter and gumballs." "Nice combo." "Don't worry about what happened." "Time heals all things." "Except these crazy eyes." "Well, it's good to be home." "I know that much." "I wasn't talking to you, Deeds." "I was talking to that squirrel over there." "Oh." "Although it is a shame about that Cedar fellow tearing apart your uncle's company, and firing all those nice people." "Where'd you hear that?" "I watch the stock market channel all the time." "I just watch 'cause I suspect that anchorman of being an evil leprechaun." "He can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me." "There it is." "Okay." "(SCREAMS)" "(GASPING)" "Somebody help me!" "Help!" "Deeds!" "Help!" "Deeds!" "Help!" "Oh, God!" "Deeds!" "Oh, my God!" "Deeds!" "Deeds!" "(PANTING)" "Where do you got the camera hidden, in the woods?" "No camera." "(SHUDDERING) I'm so cold." "Please!" "You gonna get mugged in there, too?" "I'm so sorry." "I really love you." "Bullshit!" "Hey." "Oh!" "(MUFFLED GROANING)" "I'm coming!" "Go down!" "Go down!" "Here comes the black foot." "No!" "I know it's gross, but grab it." "Okay." "I got you." "I got you." "(GASPING) Oh, God, your foot." "It's disgusting!" "I know, I know." "Come here." "Come on, you okay?" "You okay?" "I think so." "You didn't really fall out of an apple tree, did you?" "No." "But I really love you." "I don't even know who you are." "I'm sorry." "I am so sorry." "ANCHORMAN ON TV:" "A company in tatters." "Preston Blake's great legacy gone to the highest bidder." "The shocking announcement from Chuck Cedar today confirmed that Blake Media will be stripped down and sold off piece by piece." "The only man who could stand up to Mr. Cedar and save the company," "Longfellow Deeds, has apparently given up his voting rights and left the city." "The sale is expected to pass with unanimous consent at the annual stockholders' meeting here in New York tomorrow afternoon." "Sources indicate that virtually all of Blake's 50,000 employees are likely to lose their jobs." "Hey, wait a minute." "I'm a Blake employee." "Holy shit!" "This sucks." "Ladies and gentlemen, the bottom line is that this divestiture will result in every shareholder, all of you and myself included, getting a substantial premium for our shares." "But before we vote, the company bylaws require me to open the floor to shareholders for statements either for or against this buyout plan." "Does anyone wish to make a statement?" "(GASPS) Dismantling this company would be an insult to a great man." "You scared me." "It is an unspeakable outrage, and it cannot be allowed to happen." "(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)" "DEEDS:" "Excuse me." "I got a statement." "(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)" "CHUCK:" "Longfellow Deeds." "Unfortunately, since you sold me your 300 million shares, you have no right to speak at this meeting." "Well, unfortunately for you," "I bought one share of Blake Media this morning." "You told me every stockholder has a say in this company." "Even the little guy." "You've got two minutes, Deeds, but just remember," "I now control 49% of this company." "So you're gonna have to persuade just about everyone else to start hating money." "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "Hello, everybody." "I'm Deeds." "For a little while, I was a big part of this company." "(LAUGHS)" "I was wicked rich and powerful." "Now, being rich and powerful isn't a bad thing." "It looks like the Monopoly guy over there is pretty darned psyched about it." "But the problem is what can happen when you decide that you would do absolutely anything to become rich and powerful." "I don't know who licked the red off your lollipop today, son, but you are preaching to the wrong choir." "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "All I'm saying is, when you were kids, did you dream about becoming a savvy investor one day who would think with his wallet instead of his heart?" "Come on, I know I didn't." "I wanted to be a fireman." "I wanted to be the guy everybody called on if they were in trouble." "I wanted to help people, and yeah, I wanted to slide down those wicked awesome poles." "(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)" "But money, that was the last thing I thought about." "What about you, sir?" "Did you want to be a fireman?" "No, I did not." "Truth be told, I wanted to be a veterinarian." "Cool." "Why would you want to do that?" "I wanted to help sick animals." "And what do you do now?" "I own a chain of slaughterhouses." "Okay." "You kind of went the other way on that one, didn't you?" "Okay." "In the back." "Come on." "Tell me what you wanted to be." "I wanted to be a magician." "And what do you do now?" "I operate a pornographic website." "That makes people happy also, I guess." "But kind of in a grosser way." "Who else?" "I wanted to be a senator." "I wanted to be a florist." "International House Pancake." "JAN:" "I wanted to be a man." "Huh." "That explains a lot." "I wanted to be a ping-pong champion." "But you're not those things you wanted to be, are you?" "Everybody made a compromise, then another compromise, and now, you're about to put 50,000 people out of work just to make a quick buck?" "Come on." "I bet if we ran into the sixth grade versions of ourselves right now, they would kick our asses all over the place, and put Bubble Yum in our hair for even thinking about doing this." "He's right." "I would've beat my greedy ass red." "I would've thrown myself off the merry-go-round." "I would've tied myself naked to a chair and burned myself with lit cigarettes." "Did anybody here dream about becoming a psychiatrist?" "Just kidding, pal." "There's still hope for the kids inside of all of us." "Please don't break up my uncle's company." "I always wanted to do that." "Well..." "That was very touching, Deeds." "It appears this divestiture has been defeated." "Unless I'm forgetting something." "(SIGHS) My 300 million votes plus the five million votes I control as proxy for the foreign investors." "So which way should I vote my 51%?" "I vote aye." "305 million times." "The ayes have it." "And Blake Media is no more." "BABE:" "Not so fast, Chuck." "Too bad for you, when I was a kid," "I wanted to be a good reporter." "Miss Bennett, I wasn't aware that you were a stockholder." "There's a couple things you're not aware of." "Like how to tweeze your eyebrows, for instance." "Also, when Deeds gave away his fortune, he gave away something that wasn't his." "What are you talking about?" "I have here the diary of Preston Blake." "I stole it and read it." "Please don't be mad at me." "I did it for good reasons, I promise." "I would like to read a passage from Mr. Blake's diary dated April 12, 1957." ""I am a volcano of lust."" "BLAKE:" "I've gotten this far in business by following my heart." "And I must follow it now in love." "If she just gives me a sign, an opening." "Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree, Mr. Blake?" "You can call me Preston." "(NERVOUSLY) Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree, Preston?" "Yes." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Yes." "Yes!" "BABE:" "Who was this mystery woman?" "I have here the Blake Media ledger sign-in book from April, 1957." "On the night of the 12th, there was only one woman working on Preston Blake's floor." "Sadly, nine months later, she died, giving birth to a son." "A son born" "January 23, 1958." "That is my birthday." "To Miss Consuela Lopez." "That is my mother." "And the rightful heir to $40 billion!" "That is my money?" "A simple DNA test will show that Emilio Lopez is the majority stockholder to Blake Media." "It is my money!" "That's your money!" "That is my money!" "(EXCLAIMING)" "DEEDS:" "Way to go, Emilio!" "I will do good things, good things for everyone." "Free flamenco lessons for all." "People, people!" "Please!" "That is my money." "Don't be misled." "These are all lies." "Mr. Cedar." "Huh?" "You are fired." "You can't fire me!" "I'm in control!" "Get your hands off me!" "I'm Chuck Cedar!" "At the lake, when you saved my life, which I never got a chance to properly thank you for..." "You're welcome." "You said that you didn't know who I was." "And it made me realize I don't know who I am." "So I started working on it, and here's what I got so far." "My name is Babe Bennett." "I grew up in Syosset, Long Island." "I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair color is anymore." "When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Cronkite." "And I really did have that Holly Hobbie notebook" "I was telling you about." "I love Bruce Springsteen, Almond ROCA, and Abbott and Costello movies." "I don't like licorice or my ankles." "More importantly, I know that I messed up real bad." "And I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance because I am so deeply in love with you, and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love..." "You're crazy." "You have beautiful ankles." "Let's go home." "You're fired!" "You!" "You!" "Oh!" "You, sir." "You are definitely fired." "I'd like to stay." "I think I can really do some good if I just got another chance." "Not fired." "But tomorrow morning, you let me change your socks." "Okay." "And you, Long-Long-Longfellow, you are the one who made all this possible with your beautiful words and your beautiful spirit." "And Miss Bennett with her beautiful research." "How can I thank you?" "All I want is your friendship, Emilio." "You're a good man." "I'll miss you." "Deeds!" "How about $1 billion?" "All right." "Done." "Whoo!" "Holy jeez!" "I can't believe it!" "What's that, Deedsy?" "It's a letter from Hallmark." "They're actually going to buy one of my cards." "Oh, my gosh!" "Which one?" "The one I wrote for you, do you remember it?" "Do I remember?" ""Hard to breathe, feels like floating" ""So full of love, my heart's exploding" ""Mouth is dry, hands are shaking" ""My heart is yours for the taking" ""Acting weird, not myself" ""Dancing around like the Keebler Elf" ""Finally time for this poor schlub" "(CAT BITES) (YELPS)" ""To know how it feels to fall in lub"" "I'm so proud of you." "MURPH:" "Can you believe Deeds bought us all these?" "(LAUGHING)" "Damn, these things are fast!" "I'm okay!"