"It seems today that all you see" "Is violence in movies and sex on TV" "But where are those good old-fashioned values" "On which we used to rely?" "Lucky there's a family guy" "Lucky there's a man who positively can do" "All the things that make us" "Laugh and cry" "He's a family guy" "Mom, Dad, I decided I want a big party this year with all my friends." "And maybe a band?" "Is that cool?" " Yeah, sure." "Yeah, why not?" "Sure." " Yeah, sure." "Yeah, why not?" "Sure." "Oh, thanks, guys, you're the best." "What's she talking about?" "A party for what?" "I don't know." "She have her period or something?" "Is she getting married?" "No, if she was getting married, we probably would have seen a guy around, right?" "Sound reasoning." " You guys." "It's Meg's birthday next week." " Oh, my God." "It is." "Peter, we got to put together a party." "Oh, man, I hate kids' birthday parties." "This is gonna be worse than that time I was stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport." " May I have your name please?" " Robert Loggia." "Can you spell that for me?" "Certainly." "That's Robert Loggia." "R as in Robert Loggia." "O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia."" "B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia."" "E as in "Everybody loves Robert Loggia."" "R as in Robert Loggia." "T as in " Tim, look over there, it's Robert Loggia."" "Space." "L as in "Look, it's Robert Loggia."" "(SIGHS)" " Here you are, Brian." " What's this?" "It's an invitation to Meg's party." "I'm the party planner." "You have to RSVP." "You could do it right now if you want." " All right, fine." "I'll come to Meg's party." " No, you have to call the RSVP line." " You got to be kidding me." " I'm waiting." "(SIGHING) Ring, ring." "Aren't you gonna pick it up?" "No, I'm not gonna pick it up on the first few rings." "I'm busy." "Maybe I'm in the other room." "Ring, ring." "Ring, ring." "Ring, ring." " Ring." "Come on." " Hello." " Stewie?" " No." "This is Stewie's housekeeper, Mrs. Pennyapple." "I'll see if he's in." "Stewie." " Stewie." " Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple?" " You've got a telephone call." " Who is it?" " He didn't say." " Well, find out, would you?" " Who is this?" " It's Brian." " It's Brian." " Oh, Brian." "Probably RSVPing about Megan's party." "Hello, Brian." " Hi, Stewie." " What can I do for you?" "I'm coming to Meg's party." "Oh, splendid, just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple." "Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again." "Shall I put you down for two, Brendan?" " Brian." " Ryan." " Brian." " Mitchell." " What?" " Goodbye." "Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake and the guy wants to know how old Meg is." "I didn't know what to tell him." " You're asking me?" " Yeah, how old is Meg?" "Well, I don't know." "Well, my God, Lois." "I thought you were the one keeping track of that." "No, no, I have no idea." "Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday?" "You are... going on..." "Fellows will fall in line" "Should we just ask her how old she is?" "That'd be kind of awkward, huh?" "Hey, maybe we should just cut off her leg and count the rings." " Yeah, or maybe try carbon-dating." " I don't know what that is." "You know, we're gonna have to talk to her and kind of steer the conversation in a way that gets her to spill it." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in." " Hi, sweetie." " Hey, Meg." "So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh?" "You excited about turning..." "Meg, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake." " How does that sound?" " That's not right." "So less, more, too many, not enough?" "You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am." "Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age." "Or is it?" "I'm gonna be 17, you jerks." "She's the jerk." "All right, come on in, everybody." "Have a seat anywhere." "Meg's gonna open her presents in a little bit." "Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it." " Here, this is for Megan." " What is it?" "It's a cookie from lunch period at the home." " Well, I'm sure she'll love this." " I want to see her eat it." "So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper, so the guy orders a grasshopper." "Then he's walking home and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground." "So he says to the grasshopper, " Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?"" "The grasshopper says, "You mean, there's a drink named Irving?"" "So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?" "Mom, this party sucks." "I mean, balloons?" "Pin the Tail on the Donkey?" "I'm not five years old." "Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together." "And he says he's got a big surprise for you." "Hey, kids, I'm Pee-Pants, the inebriated hobo clown." "I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can." "A clown?" "Dad, I'm 17." "Meg, guess what Pee-Pants got you for your birthday?" " A scarf." " I don't want a scarf, Dad." "Well, then, how about a dozen scarves?" "(SINGING)" "(COUGHS)" "Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those." "(COUGHING)" "Here you go, Meg." " I don't want them." " Take them." "Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those?" " No." " Oh, God." "(RETCHING)" "(GROANING)" " Mom, can I just open my presents now?" " All right, Meg." "Thank you." "What the..." "Hey, let's see what else we got here." "The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD." "BOY:" "You're welcome." "Stewie, what are you doing?" "You can't open Meg's gifts." "Hey." "These are mine." "You hear me?" "Mine." "Oh, God." "Not the "mine" phase." "I've been dreading this day." "I'm entitled to these things, Lois, especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall." "What do you want for Christmas?" "I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey..." "Too late." "Take too long." "Sad Christmas." " What you want?" " Fire truck." " What color?" " Red." "Next." "Peter, have you been drinking?" " Well, a little." "It is a party." " Take off that stupid costume." "You look like a damn fool." "Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale." "Everyone, I'll be right back." "In the meantime, I leave you with the musical stylings of Chris Griffin." "I don't know what we're afraid of" "Nothing would change if we made love" "So I'll be your friend" "And I'll be your lover" "(SIGHS)" "All right, this is gonna blow you guys away." "(SCREAMING)" " Grandpa!" " Oh, my God." " Is he breathing?" " Somebody call an ambulance." "Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances." "How is he, Doctor?" "Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe." "I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour." "Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung." "I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I hope you know I love you, Dad." "Peter, come closer." "There's something I need to say to you." "I'm here, Dad." "What is it?" "Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk." "(CARDIOGRAPH FLATLINING)" "Oh, my God, he's dead." "He can't be dead." "There's got to be something I can do." "Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery." "I can't believe Grandpa's dead." "Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy." "It is a tragedy." " Excuse us." " Yeah, we'll be right back." "(INAUDIBLE)" " We're all gonna miss him." " Tragic." "You know what the worst part is?" "All I wanted was for my dad to tell me he loved me." "But instead he called me "a fat, stinking drunk."" "Those were his last words." "Well, I hate to side with your father, Peter, but you do kind of drink a lot." "And you know, sometimes it affects the people you love." "Oh, my God." "Lois, you're right." "Booze made me fall down all those stairs." "Booze killed my father." "Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again." " Peter, what're you doing?" " Crack." " What the fuck?" " Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian." "Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute." "Where'd you get crack?" " From Black's." " What?" "Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, there's a white guy selling it." "Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking." "You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place." "Look, here." "This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see." " All right, Brian." " Good." "Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you." "Oh, my God!" "Government came and took my baby." "This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine." "Oh, what's this?" ""Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages."" ""Dare Card." "Have her do a striptease" ""and see how long it takes you to get a bonner."" "What's a bonner?" "Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?" " Now, you give that back to Mommy." " No, go to hell." "Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours." "Now give that back to Mommy." "Very well, then." "If I can't have it, nobody can." " That is enough." " You struck me." "Oh, my God." "Stewie, honey, I am so sorry." "Are you okay, sweetie?" "(CRYING)" "Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you." "Let me give you a hug." "(CONTINUES CRYING)" "I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car." "She is messed up, man." "Shut up." "Just shut up." "Let me fucking think." " Push her out." " We can't leave her alone." "Push the bitch out." "Okay, for starters, why don't you just lay back and relax?" "Loosen up them trousers." "Now, feel the air between them toes." "Feel a gentle wind blowing the hair on them legs." "Breezing up on through the rest of your body, through your private areas, through your anus." "Now let's go back in your mind to your childhood, to some of your deepest memories, maybe some that aren't so happy." "You know, the anus has the second-highest density of nerve endings in the body." "You remembering anything?" "Like maybe being the best at jump rope and not being allowed to win the ribbon just because you was a boy?" "Or being told everything you made in pottery class was inappropriate?" "Yeah, I'm getting something." " Happy Father's Day, Dad." " I'm not your father." "Oh, my God." "Francis Griffin wasn't my real father." "I wonder what else I've repressed?" "Oh, my God." "I could've had a V8." "It was horrible, Rupert." "It was like a nightmare." "Lois came at me like a wild animal." "I had no way to defend myself." "Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes." "(GROWLING)" "I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother." "I'm sorry I misbehaved." "It won't happen again." "I love you, Mommy dearest." "(GROANS)" "(GROWLING)" "It was awful, Rupert." "I felt terrified and brutalized and humiliated and alive." "My God, I haven't felt that alive in years." "Rupert, you know, I think perhaps I may be one of those people who gets a jolly out of being hit." "Stewie, there you are." "Mommy is so sorry she hit you." "I promise I will never lay a hand on you again." "Well, let's not make any rash decisions." "I mean, I did provoke you." "Come on, Lois, hit me." "Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Oh, hi, Peter." "Are you here to bring back the TV set?" "No, I sold it for crack." "But listen, Mom, I got to ask you something." "Who's my real father?" "I knew this day would come." "All right, Peter, here it is." "About 40 years ago, I was vacationing in Ireland and I met a young rogue named Mickey McFinnegan." "Peter, Mickey is your real father." "Oh, my God." "I got to find him." "To Ireland." "Sweetheart, when will you be back?" "I don't know, Lois, all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland is a big, fat bastard who looks like me." "Call me as soon as you can, Peter." "And I really hope you find your real father." " We're gonna miss you, Dad." " Come back soon, Daddy." "I love you." "That'll do, pig, that'll do." "There she is, Rupert." "Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for." "(EX CLAIMS)" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, what's next?" "What's next?" "What's next?" "Oh, God." "I've been so bloody naughty." "Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it." "(EX CLAIMS)" "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "Yeah, all that stuff, let's make that happen." " Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice?" " Oh, that would be lovely." " Oh, Stewie." " Yeah." " Look at the mess you made." " Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I?" "Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it." "Go." "Well, I guess it's not that big a deal." "Accidents happen." "Oh, I don't know." "Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril?" " It's all right, Stewie, now go play." " Oh, all right." "Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall." "Punish me." "Sweetie, you really gotta..." "Looks like David Tua." "You've really got to stop misbehaving." "You're getting on Mommy's nerves." "Well, you know what will ease your stress?" "Slap me across the face like a bitch." "It's all right." "I'll get some Windex." "Come on." "Discipline me." "Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle." "My God." "I really do have problems, don't I?" "PILOT:" "Welcome to Ireland." "We'll be landing in five minutes." "This is quite a country, Brian." "You know, Ireland has more drunks per capita than people." "Oh, that's a negative stereotype." "I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do." "Excuse me, is this McSwiggen Village?" "Devil a man who'll say a word against it, hmm?" "Is that a yes or a no?" "Aye, it is McSwiggen Village, where the hills are green, the streams are clear and the sweaters are so thick, even the boniest-fingered nun could poke you in the chest and it wouldn't bother you none." "Don't be so bold with your dark hair and your proud ways." "I can't feel a thing." "Hey, what are those guys doing?" "Those are the McMurphy brothers." "They've been circling that same spot for 50 years, just daring each other to throw the first punch." " Just you try it." " Oh, I'll try it." " Just you try it." " You'll feel it when I try it." " I'd like to see you have at it." " Would you now?" "Hey, you heard of a man named Mickey McFinnegan?" "Have I heard of him?" "Of course I've heard of him." "He's the town drunk." "Town drunk?" "Oh, my God." "You mean, he's the disgrace of the whole town?" "You lads aren't from around here, are you?" "Top of the morning, laddies." "Let me cut you an Irish rose." "(FARTS)" "I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, but I know where it should be." "Around here the town drunk is a person of great honor." " Excuse me, sir." "My name is Peter." " Pleased to meet you, lad." "Name's Mickey." "Listen, this may be hard for you to believe, but you're my father." "Oh, am I now?" "Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you." "I suppose it's money you're wanting." "I owe you some allowance and so forth." "Oh, no, I don't want money, I just want to get to know you and be friends." "So I can finally have a real dad who loves and respects me." "You can't be me son, you and me are nothing alike." "Just ask me sheep, O'Brian." "Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?" "Boy, it's amazing, isn't it?" "You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you." "There's got to be some way" "I can make him see that I'm worthy of being his son." "About the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat stinking drunk." "FRANCIS:" "Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk." " What?" " You're a fat, stinking drunk." "Yes, from what he's told us that's right on the money." "Challenge him, you must." "And I'm Hayden Christensen." "Wait a minute, Brian." "That's it." "I'm a fat, stinking drunk because my father is a fat, stinking drunk." "And I got to prove it to him." "I have gotta drink him so far under the table, he'll have no choice but to respect me." "Get me a beer, Brian." "I am gonna prepare for this as thoroughly as Ben Affleck prepares for a role." "I got to be Henry Vlll in 20 minutes." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Got it." "Mickey McFinnegan, I challenge you to a drinking contest." "(ALL GASPING)" "And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me?" "Because I'm your son and I'm tough." "I made it halfway through Failure to Launch." "I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious?" "You're cute." "Done." "As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us." "I got 20 on the fat one." " Which one's the fat one?" " Which one's the fat one?" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(SHUDDERING)" " What happened?" " Peter, you won." "My God." "Nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink." "Now do you believe that you're my dad?" "Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature." "You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right." "Welcome to me family, Peter." "Did you hear that, Brian?" "I'm a McFinnegan now." "I can forget all about Francis." "You know, there's something you should always remember, Peter." "Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own." "And if that isn't love, I don't know what is." "Wow." "I guess you're right, but there is one thing, Mickey." "You knocked up my mom and never called her again." " Yeah, so what?" " So what?" "So let's dance." "Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring" "And he never taught me anything" "But still I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad" "Oh, his face looks like a railroad map" "And he never shuts his freakin' trap" "But all the ladies catch the clap from your drunken Irish dad" "Ask a Hennessy, Tennessy, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Riordan and Rooney" "They'll tell you the same" "McNulty, Mulroney and Cotter and Clooney" "All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame" "Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flannigan" "Look to the ground when their dad passes by" "Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty" "Fight for his honor and then start to cry" "Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm" "And our moods infect us like a germ" "'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm" "And we don't tan well, either." "From a drunken Irish dad"