"(Sighs) All right." "So let's establish some ground rules." "We sleep on our backs, arms above the covers." "We do not sleep on our sides..." "(Sighs)" "As that could lead to another ugly spooning incident." "It was cold." "It's human instinct." "I don't want to hear about any human instincts!" "Human instinct is what leads to people eating other people." "(Sighs) How did we end up in this hellhole?" "It started innocently... (Sighs) The way a lot of horror stories do, with Chinese food." "(Sighs)" "Well, maybe it's, like, a little sliver of an almond?" "No, I'm telling you, it's a fingernail." "There's a fingernail in my food." "I'm gonna be sick." "(Mouth full) Want me to take it back?" "No, but I would love for you to stop eating it." "It's good, and what are the odds there's another fingernail in there?" "9." "The odds are 9." "Oh, and by the way, tomorrow night we have dinner with my parents." "They want to get to know you a little bit better before we have our engagement party." "Everyone is gonna be asking a lot of questions, so you know what that means... it's lyin' time." "Oh, man." "I don't want to lie." "We've known each other for, like, five minutes." "We're getting married and having a baby, and for some reason, my parents are okay with that." "That is unbelievable." "We cannot risk losing that." "They turn on my relationships like that." "(Snaps inaudibly)" "I forgot to tell you that I can't snap." "Do you still want to marry me?" "Of course, and your parents aren't gonna turn on me." "They love me." "I am Casey, giver of grandchildren." "Well, they loved my boyfriend mark, too, until he told them that he didn't like dogs." "Come on, dad." "This isn't fair." "It's my house, and I make the rules." "Can someone please pass me the yams?" "No yams for you, dog-hater." "(Clatters)" "And after they found out my prom date Billy Hicks got busted drinking in the park, they turned on him, too." "She covered him with that guy from "Frasier"?" "Oh, yeah." "They loved that show." ""Finally, a show that's as smart as we are," they'd always say." "But I can't lie." "I'm terrible at it." "I get so anxious." "I sweat." "I call people by weird nicknames." "Nicknames?" "It's a thing I do when I get nervous." "When I panic, I get casual." "All right, well, that's okay, because I'm gonna be doing most of the talking." "(Mouth full) Now listen..." "We need to come up with a better story of how we met." "Why?" "How we met is really romantic." "You don't understand." "The story of how Ben and Maddie met is, like, the best story ever." "They met building houses for the poor, and my mom and dad... they met chasing the same foul ball at yankee stadium." "There was a huge pileup." "When the people cleared away, they were both left holding the same ball." "Wow." "Mm-hmm." "That made me a little misty." "So we need to come up with something at least that good, and since we're making it up, maybe even better." "You got it, ladybug." "I am already nervous." "(Sighs)" "I wish I had just listened to my instincts and I'd never lied." "Did your hand just graze my butt?" "(Chuckles) I don't think so, bucko." "(Man) � I don't know where I'd be �" "� without someone to see �" "� this thing through �" "� I am such a mess �" "� even at my best �" "� I'm better with you �" "Man, you were so uncomfortable at that dinner." "Yeah, I was a little nervous." "At least I can control myself. (Sighs)" "I heard you fainted the first time you met Maddie's parents." "I did not faint!" "I just fell off my chair and stayed on the ground for a while because I was tired." "Dude, I get it." "Vicky and Joel are intimidating." "I felt sick to my stomach the whole time we were telling that fake pedicab story. (Chuckles)" "Yeah, we just wanted to get to know you." "(Joel) We really only met you three weeks ago." "We don't even know the story of how you two met." "It's the best story ever." "The best?" "I don't know about that." "Ben and I met volunteering for homes for humanity building houses for the poor." "Our story has been known to reduce people to tears." "(Chuckles) (Chuckles)" "Open on Maddie..." "young, optimistic, ready to change the world." "Cut to Ben... hardworking, tough as the nails he uses to build the house... hey!" "Hey." "It's about us, okay?" "So Casey was working as a pedicab driver." "Oh, neat." "Was that a fun job for you?" "Sure was, pumpkin." "(Chuckles)" "Uh, Casey was taking a passenger on a ride through the park, and at the same time," "I was on a different pedicab going in the opposite direction, so as our pedicabs passed each other, our eyes met, and the whole world just seemed to freeze just for a second, and I knew. (Chuckles) I just..." "I knew it." "(Mouths word) And I guess Casey knew, too, because he turned his pedicab around and chased after me, and as he passed a flower vendor, he reached out his hand and he grabbed a dozen roses to give" "to the woman that he had just locked eyes with." "(Chuckles) Ohh." "Casey. (Chuckles)" "Strong move, son." "Strong move." "So I took the flowers and walked right up to her... oh, you didn't walk, honey." "You were on a pedicab." "Right." "Right." "(Chuckles)" "Is it hot in here, big man?" "So a huge crowd had gathered, and they all started cheering and applauding as we had our first kiss, and we've been together ever since. (Chuckles)" "Oh, and there was a puppy." "Oh." "What a wonderful story." "Certainly worthy of the putney name." "Mm." "It's almost as good as our story." "(Chuckles) I think it's even better than Ben and Maddie's story." "I am so glad we did this tonight." "Casey, I had no idea you were such a romantic. (Mia chuckles)" "(Gasps) You know what Casey would love?" "Has Mia told you about our house on the lake?" "It has got to be the most romantic place on earth." "We should all go there." "I'd love to go." "Are you sure there's room for me?" "Of course." "You two can take the upstairs room." "(Gasps) Maddie and Ben can take the basement room." "They'll be fine." "The upstairs bedroom is our room!" "We've been sleeping in there for nine years, and now they just give it to Mia and Casey." "Why?" "(Door closes)" "'Cause of some stupid story where he stole flowers and knows how to ride a bike?" "And not even a real bike." "It has three wheels, like that's hard." "I can't believe we get to sleep in the upstairs bedroom." "I knew that story was good, but I didn't know it was that good!" "(Sighs) Is it that big a deal?" "Oh, honey, you have no idea." "(Door closes)" "The upstairs room has a panoramic view of the lake, a huge bed with Fluffy pillows like a hotel, and its own bathroom." "Sleeping up there is like being queen of the lake." "And the basement room?" "It's hell down there." "I'm not staying in the room where they gut the fish." "Well, they converted it." "They didn't convert it." "They put a bed in it." "(Keys jangle) Every time Mia sleeps down there, she smells like the dumpster behind the Sushi place." "You want a glass of wine?" "Two, please." "Well, that's it." "We're no longer the number one couple." "Once they got engaged and pregnant," "I knew this would happen, but I thought we had more time!" "All right." "Let's not get ahead of ourselves." "Oh, no, Ben, this is how it starts." "First they get the best bedroom at the lake house." "At Thanksgiving, I'm in the broken chair, and you're at the little table eating dark meat and my mom's weird bean thing." "Maddie, I think we'll be staying in whatever bedroom we want." "I have some information that will keep us in the upstairs bedroom and me in all the white meat I can handle." "That last thing you said was weird." "I'm the little sister." "I don't get first dibs on anything, but now we are the number one couple." "Ooh, it feels good." "(Chuckles)" "Yeah, we get to choose where we go on the next family vacation." "Dollywood!" "I'll keep thinkin'." "The reason they'll be sleeping in the basement is because the story of how they met is a lie." "Really?" "How do you know?" "As a hotel manager, it is my job to read people, and Mia's eye twitched no less than three times as she told that story." "Ohh!" "You're so good." "Oh, I ain't done, baby." "Mia also touched her face a lot, which is another classic indicator, and Casey kept calling people weird names." "I don't know exactly what that means, but... it's got to mean something." "Tell me more." "And the third, perhaps most interesting tell that I discovered... pedicabs in Manhattan have been on strike for six months." "Ohh!" "(Chuckles) So they made up a story, and they made one up that was better than ours!" "Oh!" "How dare they?" "She's gonna regret this." "My parents don't like being lied to." "Whoa, whoa." "Maddie, you can't tell your parents." "No, I would never do that to her." "I love my sister." "I'm just gonna blackmail her, so we don't have to sleep in the fish pit." "Because sometimes..." "Late at night..." "You can hear them screaming." "Why are you flossing in bed?" "Well, why'd you leave a piece of floss out for me?" "I didn't." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "(Gags)" "Why would you think I would do that?" "Ugh." "Well, maddie leaves me a piece of floss on my bedside table every night." "I wanna go home!" "I wanna go home!" "I wanna go home." "This is all Mia and Maddie's fault. (Sighs) Why didn't we go with them when they went to check out the space for the engagement party?" "You know, maybe we could've stopped maddie from confronting Mia." "This room is perfect for your engagement party. (Chuckles)" "I am so excited." "We can put the dance floor there... (Chuckles)" "And we can put the hour bar here." "Hour bar?" "That's what your father calls it." "It's just open for an hour." "(Chuckles)" "These country club types can drink, and you know your father... he won't even pay for me to get drunk." "(Chuckles)" "Oh, it doesn't matter." "People aren't coming here to drink." "The real reason people are coming is to meet Casey and hear the fantastical story of how you two met." "Fantastical?" "Did I say "fantastical"?" "I meant fantastic." "What's going on here, maddie?" "What's going on is that Ben and I are gonna be sleeping in the upstairs bedroom at the lake house." "Oh. (Chuckles) No." "You're not, because mom and dad just said Casey and I could have it." "That's because they didn't know that you lied to them." "Pedicabs in New York..." "(Scoffs)" "Have been on strike for six months." "No!" "Yes, so unless you want mom and dad to turn on Casey, here's what's gonna happen." "You guys can keep telling your little pedicab thing, but your fake story can't be better than our story." "You're gonna lose the puppy." "Nobody grabbed roses, and no applauding crowd at the end." "But that's the big finish!" "Fine." "You can have a small crowd." "100." "12." "75." "Nine." "You're going in the wrong direction!" "Keep talking." "It's gonna be four." "Okay." "Can I at least have 15?" "Fine, but they're clapping halfheartedly." "She totally busted us." "There was nothing I could do." "Well, great." "Can we finally stop lying?" "No." "We cannot stop." "I just fought tooth and nail to get 15 people to clap halfheartedly. (Sighs)" "How bad is the downstairs room?" "Oh, I'll tell ya how bad it is." "That room is always hot when you want it cold, and it's always cold when you want it hot." "It knows what you want, and it gives you the opposite. (Sighs)" "It'll drive you crazy, just like..." "(Snaps inaudibly)" "Snap!" "Okay, I gotta tell you something." "I said I wouldn't say anything, but now I have to, because I can't stand seeing you so upset." "Maddie and Ben's story is a lie, too." "What?" "You know how I have, like, a hundred half brothers and sisters?" "Uh-huh." "Well, one of them works at homes for humanity, so I called him to say," ""hey, you must know my future sister-in-law,"" "so he looked 'em up." "Guess what?" "(Whispers) They don't exist..." "(Whispers) What?" "They don't exist?" "(Normal voice) Let me finish." "(Lowered voice) In the records." "(Normal voice) They never worked there." "(High-pitched voice) Casey!" "(Normal voice) Oh, I love you!" "Oh, man." "She was so happy." "I remember she led me into the bedroom, and we... whoa, whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "New rule... no erotic stories." "Don't worry." "There's no story." "(Sighs) Good." "'Cause the only thing left for me to say was the word... (High-pitched voice) "Boinked."" "And as the 100 people applauded... no, wait!" "... 150... (Chuckles)" "Casey hands me the flowers, and he says," ""they're not as beautiful as you, but they'll have to do, 'cause I don't think anything in the whole world is." (Chuckles)" "Isn't that right, honey?" "That's right, nutface." "(Whispers) I am so sorry." "(Chuckles) Man, those nicknames were crazy." "I can't believe you called that woman Mrs. noodle-boobs." "(Chuckles) Actually, that wasn't a nickname." "It's her real name." "I was just pronouncing it wrong." "She's French, so the second "b" is silent." "It should've been... (French accent) Mrs. nood-leh-boo." "Just so you know, I've been telling everyone that 150 people applauded for us." "You can't do that." "Oh, yes, I can, because Casey's half brother works at homes for humanity, and there is no record of you or Ben ever working there." "Well, it's a clerical error." "Back then, there weren't a lot of... computers." "Oh, it is over, maddie." "I know your story is a lie." "What's going on over there?" "We know the story of how you guys met is a lie." "Oh, what a bummer." "I hate dark meat." "Give it up, maddie, because you are talking to the new queen of the lake!" "Yeah, well, I can still tell mom and dad that your story is a lie." "Oh, really?" "If you do," "I'll punch you in the thigh with my second knuckle out like this." "If you do that, then maybe I'll have to tell you the story of a young Doe-eyed deer who loved his mother, but do you know what happened to his mother?" "(Voice breaks) Don't you "Bambi" me." "This family is so weird." "Oh, you haven't even seen 1% of it." "(Chuckles)" "Wait till you see Vicky drunk at the zoo." "So what are we gonna do?" "Nothing, because we both can destroy each other." "Well, what about the upstairs bedroom?" "We split it." "You guys get holidays, and we get weekends." "And we flip a coin for the cranberry festival." "Okay." "You know what is funny?" "(Chuckles, lowered voice) The only reason I lied is because your story is so good and ours is so embarrassing." "Our story is really embarrassing." "That's why I lied." "Aw." "(Chuckles) Aw." "Uh, some advice from someone who's been lying for nine years." "Mm-hmm." "The thing is, you gotta stay on Casey." "To be honest, he didn't really tell it that great at dinner the other night." "Okay." "You gotta get this down, 'cause this is a lie you're gonna be telling for the rest of your lives." "Whoa." "I don't know if Casey can do that." "I'm sweating like crazy." "I called their dad "snack time."" "I'm out of control!" "And what about our baby?" "Are we supposed to lie to our baby?" "(Chuckles) Oh, yeah." "You lie to your baby." "You lie to everyone." "Forever." "No." "What?" "No, I..." "I can't do it." "Wh..." "Casey. (Lowered voice) Casey, come here." "(Normal voice) We're gonna tell the truth." "Really?" "We should've told the truth from the beginning, but I just..." "I got so caught up in what mom and dad would think and having a better story than Ben and maddie, but none of that matters." "All that matters is me and you and the baby." "We can't lie to our baby." "Thank you, Mia." "Oh, my God." "Mia." "I just called you Mia without adding a stupid nickname." "I'm back!" "(Chuckles) Okay." "(Whispers) Yes!" "Excuse me." "I mean, what are you doing anyway?" "There's not even music." "Hello." "Hi, everyone. (Chuckles)" "I'm sure many of you, um, think that you know the story about how Casey and I met, but, um, that was a lie." "I'm sorry, mom and dad, but Casey and I met in the emergency room." "Yeah, um, well, I started the night at a male strip joint..." "(Chuckles)" "Where I was watching a wet briefs contest..." "That I was judging." "Boy, she just went on and on." "Yeah, that's one of those stories where you really just need the gist." "Although it was nice to hear that the judges at those things take their job seriously." "Makes that hot bod trophy I won in Daytona mean that much more." "Is that what that bronzed thong on your mantel is about?" "No." "And as I made my way over to congratulate the winner, a very talented dancer named Apollo 13," "I slipped on a pair of his wet briefs." "I fell, hit my head, and I woke up in the hospital with a concussion..." "(Chuckles) And, well..." "That's when I saw Casey." "(Chuckles)" "I was already at the hospital, because Dave, one of the bassists in our band... we have seven..." "Uh..." "Uh, decided we should Pierce our nipples." "He has really long hair, so when he was trying to Pierce mine, his hair got stuck in the hole." "Ugh." "You went into a lot of detail, too." "Well, it freaked me out." "His hair got all wrapped in there, and he wouldn't cut it, because..." "you're doing it again." "Well, it started to ooze." "All right." "You know what?" "I'd rather hear erotic stories." "No!" "(Sighs)" "So we went to the hospital." "(Chuckles)" "I heard what was going on in the room next to mine, so after Dave was removed..." "From me... (Sighs)" "I walked over, and there was Mia." "She was so beautiful and all alone... (Chuckles)" "So I took her hand, and I told her that I'd stay with her." "(Guests) Aw." "And he did, and we've been together ever since. (Chuckles)" "(Guests) Aw." "Maybe it's not as good as the pedicab story, but we realized that, well, it doesn't matter how we met." "What matters is that we did." "(Guests) Aw." "That was a weirdly sweet moment." "Right up until maddie ruined it." "What Mia just said is so true, even for us." "It doesn't matter how we met, Ben, it just matters that we met." "No, that is not true." "No." "Not if you met the way we did." "(Chuckles) No, we have to tell the truth, too." "I-I can see why you would say that." "You're caught up, and your eyes have that glassy look that tell me you're not gonna listen to anything I say." "Great idea, Ben." "Let's tell everyone the truth right now." "Hey!" "(Laughs) Their story ended romantically." "Ours does not." "Let's just take a beat and think about this for... everyone!" "Or just start talking." "Okay." "(Chuckles) How about that Mia and Casey, huh?" "(Chuckles)" "Uh, in this new spirit of honesty and confessions without repercussions," "I also have something to say." "Uh, Ben and I did not meet building houses for poor people." "Uh, I was camping and partying in the woods with a bunch of friends." "I was at that wonderful age before you realize that camping is stupid..." "(Chuckles)" "And I got up in the middle of the night to pee, so I stumbled through the forest." "Now in my defense, I was super drunk... (Chuckles)" "And I went to pee on this rock, but guess what?" "It wasn't a rock." "It was Ben. (Chuckles)" "And ever since that speech, we've been stuck in the fish gutting room." "Why do the girls get the good room again?" "(Chuckles) Oh." "Casey." "Hey." "Relationships are a chess game." "Now, sure, we've made a sacrifice." "We gave up our horsey piece and the tall one." "You don't play chess, do you?" "No, not even once, but I do know that we've won this round, because I guarantee you, those girls are feeling really guilty." "Ah." "Nice. (Chuckles)" "I love being queen of the lake." "Me, too." "Ohh." "And as your co-queen, I can't believe we didn't think of this years ago." "I know." "Ohh." "It's so hot in here." "Keep your shirt on, Tarzan." "We made a deal." "You know, if Vicky and Joel didn't have such an amazing "how we met" story, then none of this would've happened." "I feel bad that the kids still believe we met at yankee stadium both reaching for a foul ball." "Should we have told them how we really met?" "No." "Of course not." "But that was an incredible night." "(Vicky) You were so crazy that night." "(Joel) I'm still crazy." "(Joel and Vicky chuckle)" "You're hearing this, right?" "I haven't heard anything." "I don't know anything." "(Joel) Oh, remember this move?" "It used to be your favorite." "(Vicky) Oh, Joel." "(Giggles)" "Mmm." "Oh. (Chuckles)" "Oh. (Chuckles)" "Mia was right!" "This room knows exactly what you don't want and then gives it to you!" "Okay." "All of the gentlemen's keys are in cupid's bowl." "Let's begin." "Victoria, you're up first." "(Rock music playing)" "(Keys jangle)" "Who's Joel?" "Right on!" "(Chuckles)" "Which room has a water bed?"