"Coming up on Backstage Passport." "This is not what we thought we signed up for at all." "The worst show of the tour." "I'll fucking kill you." "There's 3000 tickets sold at the show and we're not even sure if" "Kent's going to be able to pull sound check." "We're NOFX Screwing up since 1 983" "But these days we've got mortgages and families." "So we're going on a sketchy tour No country is too obscure" "We're gonna drink and golf and fight and snort!" "We're NOFX This is Backstage Passport" "Russia's always been important for us to go to." "Maybe the angriest I've ever been is when we flew to Russia 10 years ago and we couldn't get in because our papers weren't in order." "We're not going to make that mistake again." "This time we're taking the train." "So we're catching the train to go to St. Petersburg and Kent overslept and missed getting to the train." "He asked Jay to wake him up in the morning, and no one did." "Okay, I'll start with you." "You said you were gonna call me at nine." "Then you, and you, and you, no one calls." "Everyone's, 'oh, it's noon." "Kent's not here..." "Weird, oh well, let's leave.' Thanks for fucking nothing." "You call that teamwork?" "It hurts." "Nothing was organized for our equipment and merchandise to get on this train to get to St. Petersburg." "And it's just not going to happen." "So unless we have a car that's specifically ours and we can take over like eight seats with this shit and just pack it all the way up, there's no way." "We're hosed." "With this we have 2 minutes to get everything on." "JAY:" "Four." "Four minutes?" "Shit, we got a buffer of 3 and a half minutes." "Oh, yeah." "No, 4 minutes, no problem, it's only what, 60 pieces?" "We're just gonna hand, hand, fireline all this shit in, and Limo's going to pack it." "But then that way you can keep the band and all the other fools out of our way." "No, this is not what we thought we signed up for at all." "Somebody figure out where we're going." "All the way to the front of the train?" "All the way down." "It's not gonna happen." "We're fucked." "In that first one we were just at." "Things looking good?" "Yeah it's totally normal." "Fuck it, just get everything in." "We're almost there." "We're in." "We're in!" "Everybody on, everybody on..." "all right, everybody good?" "Go!" "To Russia!" "We're in there." "No problems." "Wasn't that easy?" "That was totally easy." "The train isn't as fun as we'd hoped for." "What are you talking about?" "This has been so much fun." "I got salami, I got bread, I got 2 beers, my sweat stopped." "This is really the moment of truth." "We've been turned away before." "All we had to do was get passed these customs people and we'll be okay." "We're heading to St. Petersburg and they're making us filll out forms." "Last time we came to Russia we didn't have visas and they didn't let us in." "So this time we're taking a train hoping things will go better." "One of them says 'accom-pained' another one says 'unaccom-pained' luggage." "What does that mean?" "It'll be interesting in a few minutes I guess we'll go through the border." "I wonder what that'll be like." "Be our first time really in Russia." "CAMERA:" "We think." "MELVIN:" "We think." "We're not in yet." "[CUSTOMS OFFICIAL]" "Do you have the required documents?" "Yeah, we have, uh, business visas." "The boxes?" "The boxes?" "T-shirts." "What's the purpose for these products?" "Oh, a concert." "Concert?" "Where?" "One in st." "Petersburg and one in Moscow." "It's just stuff we carry with us and we carry back." "That's why it's all small pieces." "So here we are on our second attempt at getting into Russia." "And we're just kind of stopped and we have no idea if they're going to take us off the train, if they're going to let us stay on the train, or what's going to happen." "Either we're going to stop here and all the customs guys are gonna get off and we're in, or..." "Shit is going to hit the fan and we're bummed." "Yeah, exactly." "I, I'd be on the ready." "JAY:" "Yeah, 'cause it might shit the bed..." "KENT:" "I got a bad feeling about this." "Chill the fuck out and let us get our shit on." "Give me a shot of the green stuff!" "So here we are on the train, holding our breath." "Are they going to let us into Russia, or is history going to repeat itself?" "." "Either we're going to stop here and all the customs guys are gonna get off and we're in, or..." "Shit is going to hit the fan and we're bummed." "Yeah, exactly." "JAY:" "Rad, they're getting off." "They're getting off." "LIMO:" "The blonde's cute." "I'd like to be strip searched by her." "Customs people were everywhere and then they all left our train car so I figured we must have been good at that point." "No, me and Jay took care of everything for everyone." "He broke out in a sweat. " " I did, totally" "I felt like I was less cool than usual." "I was a little nervous." "This train ride ended up being super cool." "Fuck San Francisco, I'm moving to a Russian train." "We finally made it to Russia." "Hey everybody, we're in Russia!" "It was a beautiful sunny day, so we're taking a boat ride." "Who wouldn't?" "This is really romantic and, I mean if you had to sleep with one of our crew, who would it be?" "I'd say Walker... when he takes his braids out..." "No way, dude." "Maybe shave." "'Cause you can look most like a girl." "Yeah, Russia, we made it!" "We are here!" "You people look really tired." "Looks like you want to go home." "We were so excited to play our first show in St. Petersburg, and it was kind of a crappy show." "I just wish that the people were a little closer." "This kinda sucks." "It sounded awful." "The ventilation there was really bad, so it's hard to breathe." "I can't breathe." "I can't breathe either." "There's asbestos falling down upon us." "Did you notice that?" "They're killing us!" "AHHHHH!" "When Mike gets in bad mood, for whatever reasons, he grabs onto little things and makes that the issue." "I just need a fucking fan, that's all I need." "Afan that works, seriously." "A fan." "We're in Russia playing and the only thing Mike can focus on is the goddamn fan." "It's like, 'dude, c'mon.'" "Look at this fan, dude, it's like fucking..." "At the moment my priority is to just go out there and finish the show." "You know, let's just finish this set up and get out of here." "We got a train to catch." "C'mon, suck it up dude." "Worst show of the tour." "St. Petersburg, worst show yet." "Well, what it is is the smoke." "If I had a fan, I would've been fine." "I had no fan." "You want to hear more excuses 'cause I got a lot of them." "This shirt is too fucking tight." "I can't fucking play in this shirt." "After the show he's still whining, but I think he's whining because he realizes that he was just being a little bitch." "And this hat, you know what, fucking hat, you know how it raises your body temperature?" "You can't fucking wear a hat like this when you're playing." "Fuck!" " What about socks?" "HEFE:" "Let's send the runner out for a new hat and a new shirt, okay?" "He can't do the show tomorrow without it." "After the show in St. Petersburg we take the midnight train to Moscow." "We start loading stuff and then there's fans and other kids that want to help." "And they're trying to say 'oh, it's cool, it's cool,' you know, and it's not cool because I don't even know who you are." "Yo!" "FAN:" "He said..." "JAY:" "Don't listen." "One annoying kid in particular would not stop." "Then he tries to push by me to get on the train." "So then I just grabbed him and shoved him out of the way and told him I was going to murder him." "I'll fucking kill you." "Chill the fuck out and let us get our shit on." "FAN:" "Hey, easy please." "Easy please." " You tell him to fucking stay away from me or I'll..." "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo." "So we're getting on the Russian Silver Streak and Jay starts a fight with the Russian Gene Wilder." "So I run into this kid later." "I've gone past being irritated and wanting to kill him to let's just push his buttons and bother him back." "Now what part of seeing all that equipment in the way did you not understand?" " You don't know who I am." "And I don't care. " "And you don't know how much power my relatives have in this country." "JAY:" "And I don't care." "If I wanted to pound you senseless what good would your relatives do you at that point?" "How did you say?" "Uh?" "Pound me...?" "JAY:" "Senseless." " Senseless?" "Right " "That's just like hit in the face and I go unconscious." "You want me to describe you the typical situation that might happen to you if you fuck with some wrong Russian?" "Guys in black suits, black ties..." "Why's it always black suits?" "" " Because those guys wear black suits." "They come over and explain that you are wrong." "Okay." "Party time!" "Two three four..." "We're in the bar car on a train to Moscow... it doesn't get better." "I'm not sleeping tonight and I love it." "Around 4 o'clock we all go to sleep, except for Kent." "Kent just kept going, by himself." "I believe we have accomplished last man standing on the train to Moscow." "And it's me." "Can I have one of these?" "Did you just throw up?" "You threw up." "We're gonna have sex with these guys, is that cool?" "We don't know them." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "The first step of Alcoholics Anonymous is admit that my life has become unmanageable." "And I'm like, 'I'll manage the shit out of this whole retarded rock show.'" "Be careful!" "My legs!" "My legs!" "Galia!" "Let me go!" "But I am not holding you!" "Gimme a shot of the green stuff." "C'mon, gimme a shot of the green stuff!" "This is the fucking thing that makes the people crazy." "So good." "[TRAIN SECURITY]" "I don't really know where or why you came from but you're so cool." "Are you guys KGB?" "Can I tackle you?" "So there's never actually an unmanageable phase, I always show up, even if I go to 7am and we have an 8am lobby call, I'm there." "So is that unmanageable?" "Fuck me, he's useless today." "We finally make it to Moscow, it's a really cool important show and our sound man manager is booze sick in bed." "Kent was a rager last night 'ti!" ", I dunno, 7 something in the morning and it's 9 in the morning." "So we gotta wake him up now and we're gonna see how alert and aware he is, so, or how easy it is to wake him up." "Oooh, he's sexy." "Look at that, sexy man." "Here we go, we'll start gentle." "Hey little buddy." "He's coming around." "Hey buddy." "We got like 10 minutes to wake up, get our shit together, you with me?" "Oh fuck me, he's useless today." "I mean he's just wasted." "Note to self: hate you all." "That's the thing about the hour and a half sleep on the Russian train it's like... uh." "Ow, ow, I'm injured, I'm injured." "You fucking whores!" "Everyone suck my cock." "So the crew can't go to the sauna place then if the soundcheck is then." "Soundcheck can get shitcanned in a minute." "Yeah, but it's a 3000 seater, so..." "LIMO:" "I don't want to shit can it." "Some big shitty room that won't sound good anyway, and you guys all wanna suddenly care about soundcheck after all these years." "We want to sound good for these Russian kids." "It's our first time here." "Make this van move now." "Smelly?" "SMELLY:" "Yeah, buddy?" "Remember that argument we were having the other night about who the worst drunk was?" "I think a lot of fingers were being pointed at you. " " Yeah." "Um, I'm gonna redirect my point." "To right over you." "Oh yeah!" "There's 3000 tickets sold at the show, it's a big place, and I really want to sound good and we're not even sure if, if Kent's going to be able to pull soundcheck." "I'm going into my room and not leaving 'til showtime." "Abanya is a Russian bathhouse." "It's kind of a spa for men." "The elite rich Russians go there to have sex with their mistresses and prostitutes and whatnot." "This bathhouse we're going to is the oldest one in Moscow and Stalin used to go there." "So why not go there with Fat Mike and El Hefe?" "I asked for number one prostitute." "I can't breathe." "My lips are sweating." "You sit in a sauna, which is 150 degrees about, and then you jump into an ice cold pool." "Don't look!" "Melvin, with his big, giant cock." "Then this guy with a pointy hat beats you with birch branches." "Does he have to be naked?" "Whack, whack!" "Then he says, 'flip over,' and I'm like, 'oh no... you're not going to beat me on my testicles.' Hahaha." "Oh dude, he just beat the crap out of me." "I never had my penis whipped by an oak branch by a man before, I gotta say." "I'm just really glad I didn't get a boner." "The St. Peterburg show sounded like shit, now we're in Moscow, I want it to be a really good show." "Are we sound checking?" "Without Kent?" "Where's Kent?" "I mean he did fucking blow it." "We finally make it to Moscow, it's a really cool important show at a big place and our sound man manager is booze sick in bed, so we had to blow off soundcheck." "Who knows?" "I mean he's doing sound for us tonight and he just, he might be in really bad shape." " Hey kids." " Hey Dad." "You want to go to the punk rock show?" "Yeah, let"s go to the punk rock showI" "I finally made it to the show." "I think missing sound check and the whole Russian train incident must have been some sort of a wake up call." "It might be time for me to pull in the reins, but I had to put all that behind us and try to pull off having a great show in Moscow because it was ten years in the making." "HEFE:" "We are very happy to be here in Moscow." "This is a shitload better than St. Petersburg, let me tell you." "This is the best fucking show we've had in Russia so far!" "Once again, Kent pulled it off, no problem." "And the show sounded amazing." "Even though the St." "Petersburg show was pretty bad, the Moscow show was so incredible it made up for it." "I was on a pretty big high after the show, so we went out and walked to Red Square at about one in the morning." "It was, it was beautiful." "Everything just got totally great." "We're in Moscow, we had the best show." "Amazing." "Things keep getting better." "They keep getting better." "We have more fun than any other band in the world." "It's amazing." "After being in a band for 24 years." "This doesn't happen." "It's not normal." "We don't have a hit." "I'm not good looking." "There's no sex appeal in our band." "We're the luckiest band, the fucking luckiest band."