"What's out there, out in the great beyond?" "And what's beyond that?" "What's beyond beyond?" "The answer is:" "I don't know." "And quite frankly, I don't want to know, because what I do know is that they don't hold a candle to the greatest town in the greatest country on the greatest planet in the whole universe." "Glenview, Ohio." "USA." "Earth." "Here in Glenview, we value diversity." "I myself am friends with an Indian man named Clyde." "And Mrs. Kim, a wonderful widow from Korea." "Hey, Mrs. Kim." "Spray me." "Spray me, neighbor." "Whoo!" "Sun shower." "Fun shower!" "I don't have any black friends yet, but I am on the market." "My name's Evan Trautwig." "Oh." "Ed Bosani." "Every day, I ask not what Glenview can do for me;" "What can I do for Glenview?" "Oh, geez, Jared, your glutes are tighter than a snare drum." "That's why I founded the running club, the Spanish table at the community center..." "¿Donde esta mi tanque de oxigeno?" "...and created the position of deputy secretary at the city council." "All right, next item on the agenda stipulates curb height for wheelchair access be no more than six inches in height." "Now, I know this is a hot topic, so I will defer to the commissioner." "Here, dreams really do come true." "A simple man can start out as a junior manager at Costco, and 12 years later, with hard work and gumption, end up the senior manager at that very same Costco." "I should know, because that man's name is me." "I don't mean to bust your chops here, kid, but this is total bullshit." "Those rats are as flat as they ever have been." "I'm sorry." "It really should be working." "Excuse me, sir, if I might." "The activation button is right there." "Holy shit." "This is incredible." "Yeah." "There's chipmunks all coming out of the TV, Costco!" "Yeah." "Yeah, it's a great set." "Look, the whole gang's here." "Full HD, 1080p, 240 hertz, TrueMotion." "Totally wireless..." "Hey, hey, hey, buddy, please." "This is a miracle of technology." "This is incredible." "Where do I pay for this baby?" "Justin will load you up." "Go to front-end checkout." " You're a beauty." " Okay." "All right." "Thank you, switch man." "Turning the switch on!" "Ow." "Turning on a whole new world for me." "Hey, Justin, if we stop by some free food samples," "I'm not gonna be pissed, either." "But you know what?" "It's not all about work." "I've had a lot of fun and formed friendships that will last a lifetime." "Hey, there he is." "So?" "There are 50 stars on the American flag, the Constitution was written in 1787, and..." "I am now an American citizen." "Yes." "Really?" "Oh!" "Antonio, that's great." "I knew it." "I knew it." "You see, good things happen to good people, and you are a good man." "Oh." "And look, boss." "I got a new tattoo to celebrate." "Oh." "Yeah." "Wow." "That's really fresh, isn't it?" "Yeah." ""Proud to be an American."" "Good." "Maybe keep it covered, though, just 'cause it's not really Costco policy, okay?" "Yes, of course, boss." "I'm proud of you." "This is great." "All right, I got to get out of here." "Oh, hey, listen." "Okay." "If a bag of Bugles and a six-pack of Coke go missing, it's on me." "You earned it." "Thanks, boss." "Buenas noches." "Buenas noches." "Costco security, motherfucker!" "Oh, yeah." "It's time to come out of the pool, Denise." "Hey." "What the hell, man?" "Shit." "Hello?" "Mr. Trautwig." "Is that you?" "Who's there?" "Okay." "Oh." "What the fuck?" "Listen!" "They gave me a gun, okay?" "And they didn't teach me to use it properly." "So... you're in a lot of danger if you don't just back the fuck up, okay?" "Oh, no!" "No!" "Oh, no, no...!" "It's just a baby shower, hon." "I don't know why you're so excited about going there when everything is so great here." "We used to hate New York together." "It was, like, one of our things." "It is great here, Evan." "I love it." "It's just a little boring." "Actually, it's super boring." "I just..." "I want to get out and see the world a little bit." "You know, get some culture, eat some good food, go to a few museums." "We have museums here." "All right, I think we're still a couple days away, but when I get back..." "Yeah?" "I'm going to walk through that door, and we are going to S-C-R-E-W." "Ooh, okay, okay." "Right on the kitchen floor." "Mmm, I love it when you spell it." "Definitely." "Or we could do it in the bedroom." "Thank you." "Okay." "Or we could... start in the kitchen, then move up to the bedroom." "Bye." "Have fun." "Be safe." "I love you." "What is going on?" "Whoa." "Sorry, sir." "Can't let you in there." "No, no, no, it's okay." "I'm the, uh, manager." "This is my store." "Well, I'm afraid your store is closed" " until further notice." " What are you talking about?" "I can't divulge that, sir." "Police policy." "Oh, wait a second." "You're the manager, so do you happen to know the name of the guy who was working last night?" "Yes..." "Antonio." "Antonio Guzman." "Antonio..." "Why?" "Did something happen to him?" "Guz...man." "Yeah, he's dead." "What?" "Are... are you sure?" "Pretty sure." "Looks like your friend was ripped apart by a wild animal." "Jesus." "We're dealing with one sick son of a B." "Took the victim's skin." "Is... did... did... are there..." "are there any leads or... fingerprints or...?" "Slow down, guy." "I mean, we only got here, like, two hours ago." "We strung up this yellow tape, which took a while." "So, uh, you knew the victim well?" "Yeah." "I..." "He was a friend." "He was... just became an American citizen." "And that made you angry." "No, it made me happy." "I was happy for him." "He was..." "Then why'd you kill him?" "I didn't kill him." "What... what are you talking about?" "Why are you staring at me like that?" "I'm just kidding." "Come on." "Maybe you can help I.D. the body." "Back here." "I had you going, though... man!" "The victim has been identified as Antonio Guzman." "Here's what police told us about the attack." "We will do the best we can, but I, for one, would like to put some of the responsibility on the citizens of this town." "There's only like eight cops in this town, and there's thousands of you guys, so, not to point fingers or anything, but..." "Stay with us for the latest details on this developing story." "Back to you, Gail." "That's the half, and as the players march into the locking room, we're going to be joined on the field by, um..." "Evan Trautwig." "Did anyone here cry themselves to sleep last night?" "It's okay." "You can laugh." "Laughter is a common expression of grief." "And yes, I did cry." "Because a man was killed yesterday." "But tonight, my tears have turned to fists!" "Because whoever did this is still out there." "Who is this guy?" "And we need to stop him before he strikes again." "Oh, struck again." "No more murders!" "Shh." "Because our society has rules." "And one of those rules is:" "You can't kill someone and take their skin!" "That's not cool." "So, with that in mind," "I am forming a neighborhood watch, a task force of concerned citizens to solve the murder of Antonio Guzman." "To keep an eye on any and all suspicious activities, and generally... get to the bottom of things." "Thank you." "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "Solid turnout." "Thanks, everybody, for coming." "You're that guy from Costco, right?" "Yes, I am that guy." "Okay." "Yeah." "Thanks." "All right, you want to, uh..." "Oh." "One more concerned citizen." "You mind if I look around the place a little bit?" "Looks like you got a lot of knickknacks." "Oh, wow." "Hi." "Neighborhood watch meeting is...?" "Yes." "Really?" "Yeah." "Great." "Wow." "Okay." "I'm Evan." "I'm Jamarcus." "Great to meet you." "Good to meet you." "Great." "That's great." "I was hoping another person would come, and you're the best type of person it could be." "I mean, actually, I couldn't have even hoped as much for..." "Wow." "This is..." "Come on in." "I'm so pleased to have this effect this early." "Terrific." "This is exciting." "Thank you." "I'm excited, too." "Come on in." "Great." "Most people are disappointed when they meet me, which..." "British?" "I am." "And you're American." "Yeah." "This looks like it's a, uh..." "Thailand or something." "I don't know what it is." "I mean, it's b-beautiful." "Oh, my God!" "There's another doll in here!" "Hi!" "Look at this, there's a doll in here." "Hey, and look at this thing." "Oh, my God, there's another one!" "Look at this." "Did you know that?" "Yeah, yeah, I did." "That's awesome." "It's a Russian nesting doll." "You want to have a seat and we start the meeting?" "That's incredible." "Look at that little doll." "Oh, my goodness, look at that." "Yeah, yeah, can you..." "It keeps going." "It keeps going." "There's more." "There's more dolls in here." "Yeah." "No, they call it a nesting doll." "You want to sit down, we can start the meeting?" "No, but they keep going." "There's more dolls." "You have one doll, you have another..." "Uh, put this on top of this doll." "I just got to see..." "got to get to the bottom of it." "Yeah, there's a lot." "You're kidding me." "Okay, but why don't we start the meeting." "You're not gonna tell me that it goes again." "What's that?" "Guys, there's another one." "Where can I pick one of these up?" "Yeah, I'm not sure." "Want to sit down?" "We can, uh, get going?" "Okay, I'm gonna jump in here and do this." "Make a party out of this thing, right?" "Here's some handbooks." "Here you go." "Aha." "All right." "My name is Evan." "I want to thank you all for coming." "And I thought we'd start out by just getting to know each other." "Maybe we each stand up, say who we are, why we joined up, what it's all about for us, okay?" "You have any beers while we get acquainted?" "Beers?" "No." "No beers." "All right, well, I'll start this off." "My name is Bob, with a "B."" "Okay." "Welcome, Bob." "And, um, I love the town." "I love my wife, I love my daughter, and I love getting a chance to hang with the guys." "So I'm really into what you're doing here." "Once a week, away from the wife and kids, telling some dirty jokes, having some beers, if we're good." "I really look forward to getting a chance at tearing this shit up." "Really fucking it up." "Great." "Thank you, Bob." "Really great to meet you, bud." "You, too, pal." "Uh..." "Uh, that was a... that was a great speech." "I'm Franklin." "Welcome, Franklin." "Yeah." "Uh, few years ago, uh, dropped out of high school." "Wasn't feeling the vibe." "Wanted to become a member of the Glenview Police Department." "Mm-hmm." "I guess they didn't see the magic that was me." "Apparently, I didn't pass the written exam or the physical exam or the mental health exam." "Whatever that means." "So, here I am, with this vigilante squad, and I figure that's the best way to work through my emotional shit and bust some heads in the process." "Okay, just to be clear, we're not a vigilante squad." "Vigilante squad, militia..." "whatever you're going for." "Doesn't matter." "No, not-not a militia or a vigilante squad." "Every group needs a wild card, and I think it's safe to say we found ours." "I dig it." "Well, thank you, Franklin." "Yep." "We got a good one here." "What are you about?" "Hello." "Uh, yeah." "My name's Jamarcus." "Uh, recently very happily divorced, and just looking to get more involved in the local community." "Well, that was simple." "Welcome, Jamarcus." "Ah, also, um, I have this one scenario in my mind that I'm kind of hoping plays out like this." "Young, sexy, Asian housewife alone at night, frightened." "A noise out by the trash cans." "Best call the neighborhood watch." "I show up, look heroic, and then... get this... she sucks my balls." "Hear me now!" "I'm also interested in that happening to me." "Okay." "Well, Jamarcus, Bob, Franklin," "I guess it doesn't matter what brought us all here." "What matters is that we're all united in one cause." "And with that, I'd like to welcome you all to the first official meeting of... the neighborhood watch." "Okay, now," "I've taken the liberty of dividing Glenview into 12 sectors." "Though some might argue there are 13, if you abide by the Yorktown Zoning Commission ruling." "I'm not buying it, but then again" "I'm not from Honeywell County." "Thank God." "Regardless..." "I'm sorry to be the squeaky wheel, but it feels like you have a lot of dense material" "Yeah." "That you're starting to go through here." "And to be honest with you, you know, my house is about five blocks away, and I just fixed her up." "Gentlemen, I got drinks," "I got La-Z-Boys, I got flat-screens," "I got the whole nine." "I know you guys are gonna love it." "So I just want to throw it out there." "If I'm overstepping, just say the word and you're not gonna hear another squeak from this little wheel." "Well, honestly..." "That sounds a fuck-load better than this." "I don't even know why I'm still sitting here." "No offense." "I'm gonna go warm up the car." "You're gonna love this place; it's awesome." "Gentlemen... welcome to paradise." "Oh." "Oh!" "Yes!" "I'm a construction manager, and I built this little slice of heaven with my own two hands." "It's so nice." "I love it." "Ah, thanks, everyone." "Yeah, I'll set up over there." "You have a pool table." "Yeah." "Just got it re-felted." "Go ahead and take her for a spin." "Here we go." "Hey, you like that thing, huh?" "It feels like this chair is inside me, Robert." "That is the best 2,300 bucks I ever spent." "It's like Toys "R" Us for your ass and back." "Feels like a thousand little baby wizards are massaging my ass cheeks with their little baby wands." "Powerful imagery, brother!" "I'm digging where he's coming from!" "Handbooks." "Boom." "Rack them up." "I'm in." "What are you drinking?" "What's your poison?" "You down with scotch?" "Scotch and yes." "I... no poison." "No, no, no." "No poison." "Scotch and yes?" "No." "Scotch and yes!" "You know, we got a lot of ground to cover, and we're already an hour behind, so why don't we just dig in, and then we can get to whatever afterwards." "Ah, come on, Evan." "Guitar." "We're just bonding a little bit." "Tell me about yourself." "I know you got a wife." "Do you have any kids?" "How old?" "Uh, zero years old." "No kids." "That's a shame." "I couldn't imagine my life without my little Chelsea." "I mean, being a parent is... well, it's unbelievable." "That's great." "Dad, can I go to a movie at 11:00?" "Hell, no!" "It's a weeknight!" "But Mandy and Judy are going." "Mandy?" "!" "Thank you for proving my point!" "Mandy's dead weight." "She's a succubus." "I told you that." "Dad, I'm trying to talk to you like an adult, and you just..." "Don't want to listen!" "That's right!" "So skedaddle!" "Get up there and do your homework!" "Are you serious?" "!" "I fucking hate it here!" "Well, I fucking love it here!" "That's my little princess." "That's my little angel, Chelsea, right there." "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce you guys." "How about some drinks?" "Fresh horses for my men!" "Tonight we ride!" "Get in here, Frankfurter!" "Yes, thank you." "Yeah!" "I don't..." "Come on, Evaroo." "No, thanks." "You'll be bummed if you don't." "No, I don't..." "Can I interest anyone in some finger foods?" "I got to order some pies up in this thing, right?" "Okay, you know what?" "You guys want some pies?" "You guys got your own thing going on there." "I am going to put up some flyers." "Come on, have one drink." "No." "Bye." "No?" "All right, I'll see you guys." "See you." "Okay." "Hey, see you tomorrow night." "Okay." "Same Bob time, same Bob place." "Hey, fella!" "What are you doing?" "Ah." "There you are." "1162 Jerome Park Drive." "Excuse me?" "I'm 1157 Jerome Park Drive." "Name's Paul." "Just moved in." "Oh!" "You're... oh." "Oh, sorry." "I'm, uh, I'm Evan." "Hi." "Evan." "Evan Trautwig, subscriber to Men's Fitness." "Oh, yeah, that's... that is..." "yeah, that's mine." "Thank you." "Not that you need it." "Excuse me?" "You got the body of a decathlete, Evan." "And you got great skin." "You live here alone in this big old house?" "No." "No." "I live with my wife." "My female wife Abby." "I'm gonna go inside now." "Mm." "All right, Evan Trautwig." "Nice to meet you." "Stay fit." "Evan Trautwig!" "Yeah." "It was really cute." "We all got our own puff paints and made these little customized onesies." "Oh, wow." "Okay." "So you started another club." "No." "It's not a club, it's a task force of concerned citizens." "I went to the Spartans game and made a speech, and the community really responded." "Well, guess who peed on the ovulation stick on the plane?" "You?" "Yep." "It's kind of faint, but I think there's two pink lines." "Yeah, I can't tell." "Well, I think we should do it anyway." "Just to be safe." "I would love to do it." "Mm-mm-mm." "But I got to go meet the neighborhood watch guys for a patrol." "Evan!" "You promised." "I know, but I also promised Antonio's family that I would catch his killer." "I made a vow." "Okay, okay, okay..." "It's a great group of guys." "Really." "I'm very excited." "Here we go." "Bad-ass jackets for the watch." "I went to the mall this morning, and I had them made up." "Get them while they're hot." "Whoa." " Blam." " Let's do it." "What?" "Thank you." "Got your names on them." "Got our names on them." "Yep." "All right, Bob." "This is great." "These are good." "Okay." "Hey, what-what happened to my logo?" "Oh, this is, this is just like your initial logo, only now it's awesome." "This has nothing to do with my original logo." "My logo was an eye that was watching over the neighborhood." "I don't know what this is." "What, a tiger with wings?" "Exactly!" "This is a tiger, who's fierce and sleek." "But it's got wings, so it flies above the neighborhood, and if it sees a domestic problem, it kills it!" "The other thing is, your original one's here." "Got the eye right there on the side." "So I think..." "It's always on the side." "Small on the side." "That's weird, 'cause it's like an eye on the shoulder, but there's a tiger on your back." "What are we, the flaming tigers?" "Weird how?" "'Cause that's what it looks like." "We're the flaming, flying tigers." "It makes no sense." "Are you out of your mind?" "!" "This is inspiring for the watch!" "Whenever you have a tiger, flames and wings, all in the same logo, it's like the Chinese symbol for "Shut the fuck up and dance!"" "This is inspiring for the watch!" "I don't know." "What are we, in a doo-wop group?" "We're gonna, like, stand over a garbage can with fire and harmonize?" "I would see this doo-wop group." "Hey, for your information, doo-wop groups were known to close ass." "Singing was their hobby, closing ass was their job." "The baritone from Boyz II Men had to stop making music 'cause he got so much pussy." " Thank you." " They're like ass collectors." "This is not about fashion, this is about brotherhood, this is about solidarity." "You should get that more than anybody." "He's actually right." "Pigs have uniforms," "I think we should have uniforms, too." "We got to match those fuckers on every level." "Understand?" "Every level." "Can I just say, Bob, that these are the shit." "Just the shit." "These are just shit." "Okay, you know what, fine." "I'll wear it." "But you have to promise me that tonight we're actually gonna do something, okay?" "Absolutely." "For sure." "Gentlemen, we're part of more than a club, we're part of a way of life." "We're making a commitment to ourselves and to the watch today." "Get your hands in here, Evan." "Get that pretty hand in there." "On three, let me hear you sing it out with pride in your hearts." "Neighborhood watch." "One, two, three." "Neighborhood watch!" "Yeah, this is boring." "Yeah, Franklin's right." "We're not gonna sit here all night, are we?" "Yeah, guys, we are." "If we need to." "Really?" "It's a stakeout." "I don't mean to sound childish, but I do have to pee." "You should've peed earlier." "I'm sorry." "As an adult, you're just gonna have to hold it." "How you doing, Jamarcus?" "Ready." "I still have to pee." "You know, the liquid comes in, the liquid's got to come out;" "I got to piss." "Here." "Why don't you just pee in this." "Oh, great." "That's a good idea." "No, no, don't pee in that." "What are you doing?" "I got to mount up." "No, don't..." "I'm mounting up to piss." "You're not gonna pee in a can." "Why not?" "No, Bob." "I'm not gonna miss anything." "I'm a good shot, I'm gonna get it perfect." "I've taken lots of road trips." "Open the door." "I've always done this shit." "No, piss out the door." "And blow our-our stakeout position?" "No shot." "I'd never hear the end of it" "You're not gonna pee in a can." "from you if I blew our stakeout position; there's no shot." "So I got to mount up." "I'm mounting up." "Okay, and we're going." "Oh, my God, we're going." "You're in." "Oh, my God, we're going." "This is almost like..." "I've had to pee so bad for so long, it's borderline sexual, Evaroo." "It's so controlled." "I'm not missing, either." "I mean, it's incredibly controlled, Evan." "I know I'm okay" "It's like he's threading a needle." "'cause I can feel the steel right around the tip." "I'm squishing it against it." "I got the mushroom pushed right against the cold steel." "Bob, hit me with a beat." "Hit me with a stop and go." "Stop it." "Make it happen." "Stop it." "Make it happen." " Stop it." " Uh-huh." "Make it happen." "Killing it." "And we're done." "Well done." "Well done." "Good." "Oh, thank you." "That was a good one." "Would you be a pal and hold this for me?" "Just so I can get repositioned." "Oh, come on!" "Come on!" "That's enough!" "Come on!" "I'm busting your chain!" "I'm busting your chain!" "Hey, did I miss anything while I was pissing?" "Did we catch the killer?" "Lighten up, big guy!" "I'm glad you think this is so funny, Bob." "I'm glad you think this is a laugh riot, okay?" "Let's all have a laugh while Antonio Guzman's killer continues to roam free." "You know what?" "He's right." "That sicko's probably out there right now, staring at us from a distance, beating the living shit out of his dick, reliving his sick fantasy." "What are you doing?" "Popping a top." "No, no, you can't do that." "Why not?" "It's against the law." "It's illegal." "You can't have open alcohol in the car." "The car's not moving." "There's not even a key in the ignition." "Doesn't matter, it's still..." "Franklin, you failed the police test." "Is this illegal?" "It's definitely illegal." "But I also failed the boring test, you know what I'm saying?" "I dig it." "Hook me up." "My guy." "All right, Jamarky-Mark." "Cannonball coming at you!" "Coming in hot." "Evaroo?" "Want to hold off?" "I don't blame you;" "You're driving." "Cheers." "Hey, to great times." "And doing it right." "To criminality." "Maybe a little..." "Keep it low, guys." "Oh, shit." "Seriously, put it low, put it low." "Put it between your knees." "Even lower." "I've been here many times, trust me." "Act like there's nothing going on, you're fine." "Fucking guys." "I hate these motherfuckers." "Hello, Officers." "Evening, gentlemen." "Doing a little cruising?" "No, Officers." "We're actually on, uh..." "neighborhood watch business." "Hide your bong, Chucho." "Neighborhood watch is here." "Sergeant, you remember me?" "No." "What, have I arrested you before?" "Not so good with faces." "Faces." "You're a cop." "What do you mean you're not..." "You're not good with faces?" "What?" "!" "I don't see the connection." "What I have been seeing are these babies." "How's it been going?" "Good, actually." "Very good." "Great." "Yeah, we thought we'd start here at the Costco and stake it out for a while." "'Cause, as you know, most killers return to the scene of the crime, so..." "Oh, of course they do." "The killer always returns to the scene of the crime." "So, uh, fancy seeing you here, Trautwig." "At the scene of the crime." "I don't know what that means." "It means it's super-suspicious that you're here right now." "And it makes me feel like you have some secrets." "Well, I don't." "Any-who, when you fellas finish playing Hardy Boys, don't forget to pay this ticket for those open alcohol containers." "And... this one is for putting up 200 flyers without a permit." "What?" "!" "I'm sorry, guys." "You fellas have a safe night." "Hit it, Chucho." "Goddamn it!" "I know he remembers me!" "He's just messing with my head!" "You can't drink in your car anymore?" "What the hell is this country coming to?" "Evan Trautwig." "Yes, of course." "Noise complaint at the football field." "This is it, guys." "It's our first call." "Hell, yeah." "Let's roll!" "Let's do it." "You see anything?" "Uh-uh." "Hello?" "What the hell?" "Turn off the lights!" "What?" "!" "I'm hit!" "What the fuck is going on?" "!" "Robert, we're getting ambushed here!" "Eggs!" "They're kids!" "Yeah, we're getting egged!" "It's raining eggs!" "We came to help!" "Yolk's on you, ass wipes!" "Yolk's on me?" "!" "A fucking pun?" "!" "I'm gonna kill this kid." "I'm gonna kill you!" "Goddamn it!" "They're getting away, Bob!" "No, they're not." "Because one of us is the founder of the Glenview Running Club!" "Yeah, you fucked him up, man!" "Who's laughing now, kid?" "I bet you didn't egg-pect to get your ass kicked." "Huh?" "You throw eggs at people, you think that's funny?" "Look how much pain he's in." "Guess what you learned tonight." "You don't mess with the neighborhood watch, baby!" "Undefeated!" "Come on." "Look at Evaroo with the high hands!" "Whoa!" "We got him!" "We got him!" "Ha-ha!" "That's right." "Neighborhood Watch." "Suck a fat dick, Chucho." "What's going on here, guys?" "Egging, Sergeant." "Guy's an egger." "Eggs, huh?" "Yeah, eggs:" "The coward's weapon." "It's good you brought him in." "Then he tried to run away on his little skitter-board." "Did you really?" "Hmm?" "Get back to the playground and the monkey bars." "You think it's nice to throw eggs at people?" "Do you?" "You gonna answer the question?" "It's rude." "It hurts people's feelings and it hurts their faces." "And now you deal with the consequences." "Homegirl's trying to make an omelet." "Look at his face." "Yeah, look at me." "Look at my face." "Look at his face and listen to me." "Look at him and listen to me." "Look at him and understand me." "Look at both of us, but understand no one." "Listen to my words and hear his face." "Do you think it is funny to throw an egg in somebody's face?" "You think it's funny?" "You think it's a yolk?" "I'll shove a full egg inside your asshole and watch it hatch." "Sorry." "Franklin." "Inappropriate." "No, I understand, it's too far." "Sorry." "She's all yours." "Great work." "Here's your bag." "Well, that was super weird." "Am I under arrest?" "Of course not." "Those guys are a joke." "Okay, can one of you guys give me a ride home or something?" "Fuck no." "I'm not a chauffer and neither is" "Chucho over here, right, buddy?" "Get out of here." "Real nice." "Hello?" "Okay, yeah." "Really hilarious!" "Hey, quit screwing around!" "I'm gonna pelt somebody!" "Screw you!" "I'm out of here!" "Come on, leave me alone!" "Leave me alone!" "We are fucking gods!" "What do you say, Evan?" "Come back again." "Tell me about it, tell me about it." "What-what-what?" "Damn right!" "You been around!" "All the way from London, England, put your hands together." "Make him feel welcome, everybody." "Jamarky-Mark!" "Here we go." "Oh!" "Oh, shit!" "Is everyone all right?" "You guys okay?" "We hit someone." "We just... we have hit someone." " What?" " Was it a kid?" "Evan, did you hit a kid?" "Oh, no." "No." "What?" "Why did you take your eyes off the road to sing?" "There's beer and piss all over the car." "Hey, everyone just stay calm for a second." "Let's focus." "Just relax." "We can't calm down." "There's open alcohol, we're inebriated," "I have weed in my pocket." "Evan could get 15 years to life for this." "What?" "!" "Don't worry about that." "Oh, God!" "This can't happen to me." "No, no, no, you don't get it." "So here's what we do, we focus on the living." "Just drive us out of here." "I'm not gonna drive away." "Just drive away!" "I'm gonna see what it is." "Evan." "Shit." "What is it?" "Looks like you just hit some freakishly big fly or something." "What the fuck is this thing?" "Looks like an octopus tentacle or something." "All right, well, I think it's very obvious what, what happened here, guys." "It doesn't take, you know, a brain surgeon to figure this one out." "Evan accidentally..." "obviously, right... hit a crate that fell off the back of a truck that just so happened to be carrying some freshly caught octopus to a nearby sushi establishment." "It's octopus, and a fresh one." "Right, you got nothing but the thing and the octopus and this, and I think we pack it in and we know what happened." "Okay, worst-case scenario:" "Evan murdered a Japanese man who was eating octopus" "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... while crossing the street." "I didn't... come on," "I did not murder anybody." "Doesn't matter." "You know why?" "'Cause no one's going to say shit about this to anybody 'cause we don't dime on our fellow neighborhood watchers, okay?" "Wait a second, I've seen this stuff before." "Back at Costco, this was the stuff by Antonio's body." "Had he just won a Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Award?" "Franklin, he was dead." "So he wasn't eligible." "That's pretty amazing, then, that he won 'cause usually you have to do some sort of kids type thing to win that award." "Feels like cum." "Ew." "Well, I dare anyone to touch it and tell me it doesn't feel like cum." "May I?" "Yeah, that's cum." "Well, it's green, it's not cum, but I'm saying it's a cum..." "it feels like cum." "The texture, the flavor, the color, the consistency..." "It's very cum-like." "Hey, guys, check this out, I found something." "What is it?" "I don't know." "Looks like a big silver basketball or something." "What is it?" "It looks like a toy." "Whoa." "What the fuck is that?" "What's going on up here?" "We got company." "What in the hell are you people doing in my yard?" "!" "Hi, sorry, we're the Neighborhood Watch." "We were just out on a nightly patrol." "How you doing?" "I'm Evan Trautwig." "I got your neighborhood watch right here, sweet lips." "We-We're, we're on your side, sir." "We're just wondering if you heard anything strange or just anything out of the ordinary tonight." "You mean, like four nitwits standing around on my lawn in the middle of the night?" "That's kind of strange, don't you think?" "Hey, you know what, pal?" "Okay." "If being overly aggressive and a little bit snippy was a crime, I'd be making a citizen's arrest right now." "Why don't you just shut your cocksucker there, dickweed?" "You know, we're taking time out of our busy schedules to help the neighborhood, so I think you could just... you know, you don't have to..." "Excuse me, got a phone call here." "Hey, Bill." "Bill." "I got four members of the Baby-sitters Club up here..." "It's the Neighborhood Watch." "...trying to solve some kind of mystery before beddy-bye time." "I'll call you back later." "All right, okay, we..." "It's okay, sir, we get it, we're..." "Thank you for..." "We'll just..." "You guys, I'm gonna count to ten." "Okay, you know what?" "Let's start again." "I'm gonna count to ten!" "He wants to count." "Okay." "One..." "Steal that cool ball." "...two, three..." "Nice to meet you." "Fuck you, Curly!" "...four." "Get in your goddamn soccer mom van and move on out." "Neighborhood Watch." "What a fucking joke." "Look at this." "Every time I stick a finger in, another light goes on." "That's weird." "Hey, why don't we try to stick all our fingers in at the same time, see what happens?" "All right, guys, let's all finger these holes together." "This is a bad idea." "Oh, don't be such a pussy, Jamarcus, come on." "Come over here and finger- bang this ball with us." "I don't like this." "Come on, Jamarcus." "Okay, fine, but this is a bad idea." "Get your finger in there." "Okay." "Whoa!" "Jesus!" "Shit!" "Holy shit!" "Are you kidding me?" "Did you see that shit?" "That cow's fucking head exploded all over the place." "That's terrible for the cow, but this thing's fucking awesome." "This is a major find." "This thing is the shit." "Okay, nobody touches this ball till we figure out what it is." "We definitely should not fuck around with this thing." "The last thing we want to do is cause a disturbance." "Good-bye, tractor!" "Whoo!" "So sick." "Yeah, the ball!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Hey!" "Hay, yeah!" "Hay, now." "Hey, wait, that's hilarious." "That was so fun." "I mean, we blew that shit up." "That cow's fucking head just poofed, just puffed." "Oh, man." "Guys, this is not from this world." "I, I, I think it could be the government, you know." "There are lots of these kind of prototypes that you find." "It's always the government." "I don't disagree that there could be a government or an alien or where governments and aliens connect." "Get the fuck out of here, man, this is not alien shit." "I think you're paranoid." "I'm not paranoid." "Everything is on the table; right now we don't take anything off." "This was probably on the way to the fucking Mac Store, and it fell off the truck." "What the fuck is this?" "This is like a Magical 8 Ball bowling ball that blows shit up." "I'm trying to find a killer here." "Right, a killer alien." "It's a..." "Somebody killed Antonio." "Okay, I don't know if they're an alien," "I don't know if it was an octopus." "I don't know what it was or who it was, but this has something to do with it, right?" "Yes, that's a yes." "You." "Well, you." "Let's go to the things we can agree on." "That's correct as well." "We don't know what it is." "It's the same goo that was on Antonio's body." "This is information you're sharing, and I'll say yes to it." "The goo was on the car, the orb was near the car." "Let's call her Lucy." "The second after we find Lucy..." "Lucy." "...who kicks us off his property?" "Crazy old guy with a shotgun." "Why'd he want us off his property?" " Why did he not want us near the ball or the goo?" " Right?" "This is the guy, we got to kick his tires." "There's something we got to figure out." "I think we dress Franklin up as a girl named Fran-Francesca, he goes to the door as a salesman because they'll suspect him any other way." "He's pretty enough." "I'm, I'm listening." "He's an attractive guy and he has the features where he can fool 'em." " Feminine features." " So we put Franklin in a costume," "He's lonely, he's lonely." "send him for the old man." "He'll let Franklin in the house." "We're inside the house." "Boom, he's in." "Now it's intel, he's under the radar." "It's an attractive lady showing up." "His liver-spotted hands are going to want to caress her." "Can I tell you something, Bob?" "Mm-hmm." "That could work." "Yes!" "Here's the thing." "Finally!" "I'm not going to go past second with this old guy, but if I have to, I will." "I think it's important we get, we get really, really confirmed on what you're prepared to do so it's not a new thing." "Let's talk about it." "I will use both hands." "I won't use a mouth." "He may use his hands and may not use his mouth." "Well, I think you got to make it all go down before you get found out." "Here's the issue." "What's the best- case on this one?" "Okay, here's the best-case scenario:" "He's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz, he wants to listen to some of the old songs from his childhood." "Worst-case scenario: you're getting fucked in the ass." "Either way we're gonna find out who this old man is." "Either way we're gonna get involved in this guy's life." "Here's the pressing question:" "What do we do with this?" "Agreed." "We don't give it to the cops." "This is ours;" "No one hears about it." "I don't know, but we keep it a Neighborhood Watch secret." "Well, we're in the game." "Cheers." "To the watch." "Boom." "Ew." ""OMG, Mandy's party is so awesome."" "Good for Mandy." "Frickin' kidding me, right?" "Chelsea!" "Dad, what the F?" "Don't F me." "Who's this boy toy named Jason?" "Boy toy?" "What's his toy story?" "Oh, wait, were you creeping on my Facebook again?" "Are you kidding me?" "You're gonna let some guy car-wash the inside of your mouth with his tongue and then you're gonna post it on the Internet?" "Stop Internet stalking me, okay?" "Just get out of my room." "You don't see me and your mom posting our sessions on the Internet, do you?" "Ew, that's disgusting, Dad." "Well, how do you think that makes me feel?" "It is disgusting." "You keep your tongue in your mouth." "And what's going on with this collage?" "This is moving in the direction of, like, strippers on spring break." "Oh, my God." "That's a collage of my friends, Dad." "This is uncomfortable." "The whole thing's uncomfortable." "I'm not comfortable with what's going on, Chelsea." "If you're uncomfortable, then get out." "Sex is for love." "Sex is for love." "Here's what's happening now... the video's off." "Okay, Dad, I'm gonna get the video off." "Or we got a problem." "Fine, right, okay." "Please get out." "Houston, we have a problem." "Okay, Dad, that's good." "Really productive conversation." "Seriously, really." "We should do more of it." "Right on the edge." "You're right on the edge." "Hey." "Hey, buddy." "Come on, I saved a seat for you." "Said you were desperate." "Yeah, here, take a load off." "Look, I know we're trying to catch the Costco Killer, but, well, it's good to have an honest heart-to-heart with just a couple of guys, right?" "There's my boy." "Bring it down here." "Get in here." "It's all about honesty, right?" "Mm-hmm." "I've been being honest with my daughter." "I don't think she wants to hear it." "My wife's been traveling so much for work that a, you know, a lot of the parenting stuff has fallen on me lately." "How about you?" "When are you going to take the plunge and knock a few out?" "Uh, it's not that simple." "Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina." "You know what I mean?" "Make it happen." "Well, I don't really have a choice, so..." "It turns out that my gun doesn't really shoot too well." "Gun?" "Yeah." "You mean your prick?" "Why are you saying "gun"?" "This is two guys sitting on a bench." "You can say it, say "prick," say "cock."" "Just say "prick." Anyway, did you take a couple of those blue bombers?" "Got to get that wang nice and stiff" "No." "and get you all monstered up." "Oh, it will," "N-No, no, no." "and then you'll be fucking like a champ in no time." "No." "No, I can, I, that's..." "I know a guy that'll give you some" "That's not the problem." "and I got some from Mexico..." "That's not the problem." "I'll get you some of those Mexican bombs." "I can do everything." "It's just that, uh..." "I'm... about a year and a half ago..." "Okay." "Abby and I started trying to have kids..." "Mm-hmm." "...and nothing was happening, so, on my own, I went to see this doctor, to get my sperm checked." "You know, I've always wondered about that." "I've just had a curiosity about it if you don't mind." "When you go to one of those doctors, do you jerk yourself off or does the doctor, like, jerk you off or, like, an assistant?" "Is it like a massage parlor or do they have, like, a machine, like, a medical machine that does the milking for you?" "Like, milks you like an animal?" "I'm asking how you get the cum out of you." "They do it." "I..." "No, I jerked me off." "Okay." "Doesn't matter." "The point is, I went, I got tested, and... no go." "I'm shooting blanks." "I, I could shoot a bucketful, it would make no difference." "Doctor's actual words..." ""a bucketful."" "It's because of me, we can't have kids." "Just me." "I didn't realize that that's such a big deal." "I mean, it's 2012." "Can't you just get, like, a ball transplant?" "Yeah, I don't think the science is there yet." "What'd the old lady say when you told her?" "Evaroony, don't tell me that you haven't talked to her about it." "Well, what am I going to say?" "Hey, honey, guess what?" "The one thing you want most in the world," "I can't give you." "Evan, you listen to me." "You talk to Abby." "She married you, not your dead jizz." "Thanks." "Evan Trautwig." "Hey, this is Manfred Salisbury." "Are you on my roof?" "What?" "Well, there's somebody on my roof jumping around like a maniac." "Is that one of you idiots?" "It most certainly is not." "Uh, please just hang tight, Mr. Salisbury, we'll be right there." "Yeah, I'll bet you will." "Got to get to Manfred's." "Call the Watch; come on." "Nobody's here." "Seriously?" "You see anybody on the roof?" "No." "Okay, we should fan out." "Franklin, you and Bob get in the car, check the block, see if you get any action." "Jamarcus and I will go around back." "Got it." "Okay." "Good." "Hey, guys, let's stay focused." "We're in the field, right?" "Okay." "N.W." "Hear that?" "This is Manfred's." "This is not good." "What is that?" "I don't know." "Oh, my God." "Evan... we should run for our lives." "We should go up to it." "Why would we go up to it?" "We should go." "It looks scared." "Maybe he's injured." "Maybe that's what we hit in the car." "Yeah, and maybe he's really pissed off about it and is going to eat us." "Only one way to find out." "Come on." "Evan." "Evan, what the fuck are you doing?" "It obviously doesn't understand our language." "I'm making friendly tones to show it that we mean no harm." "Wow." "Oh, no." "I see you." "I... see you." "Hungry?" "Food?" "Food...?" "Gum?" "It's okay." "You just chew it." "You want some?" "He likes it." "Jamarcus, he likes it." "Everyone likes gum." "Let's go." "He's digging something." "He's got something he wants to show us." "Want to share your gift, huh?" "Oh, mother of fuck!" "Jamarcus, what are you doing?" "Run, man." "Run!" "Fucker!" "Oh, shit." "Jesus." "You okay?" "Uh, that was really stressful." "I think I killed it." "What's going on here?" "Gentlemen, we formed the Neighborhood Watch with a very specific task:" "To find the murderer of my friend Antonio Guzman." "Well, tonight, I say to you..." "Holy shit!" "Jesus Christ!" "What the fuck is that?" "!" "It's an alien." "It killed Manfred, then it tried to kill Jamarcus, and I came up and I nailed it with a garden gnome and it cracked its neck and it's dead." "This is fucking insane." "I know, I know." "We tried to find a killer, but guess what... we found a frickin' alien." "Ooh, it touches it and it feels it... ugh!" "This intelligent, sentient being traveled untold light-years to come and visit our planet." "And you killed him." "Nice!" "Evan, yeah!" "Hah!" "He killed it." "Holy shit." "Man, screw the police department." "I'm gonna get into the CIA for this." "I think we should slow down, we should keep this quiet." "Or a hundred miles an hour and really loud, because you're looking at an alien." "I'm thinking about T-shirts, merchandising, movie deals... my mind's going crazy with this thing here." "All right, who wants a snapper with the alien?" "What am I thinking?" "Right, let's go, bitches." "I don't want to put pressure on you, but it's the first historical picture of anyone with an alien, so whatever that means to you." "Here we go, ready, and we're bringing it." "Here, let me share in the sunshine... somebody get in here." "Get close to it." "Yeah, put your dick on its shoulder." "Boom." "Evan, help!" "Uh, uh..." "Oh, my God." "Bob, the pool balls aren't hurting him." "Franklin, you've got to hit him." "This is bad aim." "Fuck." "Please don't kill me!" "Hey, hey, al-alien." "What the fuck are you doing, Jamarcus?" "He's not a bumblebee!" "Evan, help!" "He's gonna kill me and I don't know what to do." "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "He's gonna eat my face!" "He's getting goo in my mouth!" "Pull him up." "Oh, my God!" "Franklin, Jamarcus." "I can taste the fucking goo!" "Bring him down." "That's right." "Give up, go to sleep." "Shh, shh, relax, you go to sleep." "We are already among you." "What the fuck was that?" "!" "You can forget about the damn merchandising play." "Is everyone all right?" "Fucking alien came on my face." "Ow." "Did you hear that thing?" ""We are among you"?" "What does that mean?" "Means there's more of those damn things out there." "Oh, my God." "That's why they take the skins." "To wear them." "They're among us." "Oh, fucking great." "And that damn thing's been to my house." "He knows where I live." "I think if that thing had wanted us dead, we'd be dead, Bob." "So we don't know who is and who isn't an alien." "Bressman's one of them, I guarantee it." "1,000 percent." "Yeah, we should keep this quiet until we find out who we can trust." "And right now, we can't trust anybody." "What are you doing?" "!" "Back off." "Aah!" "You guys been sleeping?" "I haven't slept at all." "I'm not dealing with this well." "Any one of these people could be an alien." "Check her out." "It's like she's studying some new discovery or something." "Some strange object, some weird, bizarre human... circle fruit." "Looks like she's thinking, can I ingest this?" "Should I put it in my flavor snout?" "Look at this piece of shit over here." "That alien hasn't learned how to eat properly yet." "So primitive, so clumsy." "So dangerous." "There's that motherfucking Jason kid." "That's the kid that's all over Chelsea's Facebook page." "Magnums?" "!" "There's no way" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "your dick's that big!" "Bob." "It's a family store." "I'm just saying, there's no way his dick's that big he needs to buy that shit." "Some people's are that big." "Otherwise, they wouldn't sell condoms like that." "He's right, they're a big seller." "I swear to God, I'm gonna rip his dick off." "You're gonna need two hands, Bobby." "Hello there, neighbor." "Jesus." "I'm so sorry." "Did I startle you?" "Uh..." "It's good for you, you know, though." "Gets the heart racing." "And I know you like to stay fit." "In any case, I just moseyed on over here to invite you to a little bit of a gathering" "I'm having at my... home." "A lot of interesting characters will be in attendance." "And, um..." "Um... well, I'll think about it." "Oh, well, don't think about it too long, because before you know it life's over." "Isn't that the truth?" "Holy shit." "He's one of them." "I can't believe I didn't figure it out earlier." "He's so creepy, he's been spying on me." "He said I had nice skin the other night." "Get it?" "Skin." "Yeah, you have incredible skin." "You don't have to brag about it." "No, the aliens rip off the skin." "Did you see all the batteries that guy bought?" "Nobody needs that many batteries." "I mean, nobody from Earth, that is." "He said, "Before we know it... life ends."" "Maybe he thinks you're getting kind of close and he wants to take you out." "This is what it's about, tonight." "This is why we formed the Neighborhood Watch." "Just got to grab my jacket." "Oh, thank goodness." "It's the leader of the Neighborhood Watch." "Abby, what the fuck?" "I'm forming a little club, too, and it's only got one opening, do you have any water?" "Oh, my God!" "No, no, no, no!" "Go out, go out." "Whoa!" "Get out, get out." "Is that Mrs. Evan?" " Just leave." " That's your jacket." "Stop." "That's your wife?" "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Trautwig." " Well done, though." " Get out!" "I'm Franklin." "I work with..." "I'm a dear friend of Evan's." "She doesn't care." "Honey... what is... what?" "You're starting a club, you want me to fill your hole?" "Are you making fun of me?" "What-what's going on?" "Honey, I'm not making fun of you." "You look awesome." "It's just, the timing kind of is weird and..." "No, what's weird is that I have to make an appointment" "No, you don't." "to have sex with my husband." "And then he forgets and brings a bunch of weird dudes over." "I mean, that little one saw everything." "Oh, honey, I'm sorry." "Evan, come on!" "I forgot." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "You forgot." "Give her some truth, pal." "She needs it." "What?" "What is that?" "Be that truth-teller, brother!" "He's..." "I don't know." "I have no idea." "You know, I don't even care." "Just here." "Go play with your friends." "Take your stupid jacket and go." "Honey, please believe me." "There are forces greater than what we're talking about here that I can't explain to you, that I promise I will explain to you at a certain point, but it just can't be right now." "Go!" "I'm sorry." "Honey, if I..." "Come on." "Hey." "It's beer." "You serious?" "Do you want some?" "Shh." "Here we go." "Someone's coming." "Do you see that?" "We don't know what that is, but that's a couple." "Guys, I definitely smell alien all over this thing." ":" "Bob!" "Vibrate!" "Give me one second." "Hang on." "One second." "Hello." "What?" "What are you doing?" "Uh, are her parents gonna be there?" "Absolutely not!" "Shh." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Shh!" "Chel... no!" "Shh." "Hey." "Damn it, guys." "I'm sorry, we got to get out of here." "What are you doing?" "Come on, go." "We got to move out quick." "Let's go." "What are you doing?" "You're gonna give away our position." "Okay, listen to me." "I got to fill you in quick." "Chelsea is on her way to Mandy's house for a party." "Her parents are not there." "Now, what I can gather so far from Mandy's Facebook page is she's a total whore." "This is gonna be a full-blown fuck festival." "There's gonna be touching and pulling, there's gonna be climaxing." "Chelsea's gonna be there any minute." "I cannot allow that to happen." "I need you guys to come with me." "We need to put a stop to this." "Let's go." "Bob, what are you talking about?" "We are literally on the possible doorstep of an alien hive." "You're right." "You know what, we got to split up for a little bit." "Jamarky-Mark, you stay with the Evanator." "That's right." "And you, Frankfurter, you come with me." "Me and my guy work well together." "I'm so fucking far ahead of you it's not even funny." " No, no, no!" " Let's go!" "Franklin, Franklin!" " Franklin, Franklin, Franklin." " Let's go." "You're not going anywhere." "Bob, your daughter is not official business." "Now, our mandate is to pursue murderers and thieves and aliens and anyone who threatens to tear the fabric of this neighborhood apart." "Well, my mandate as a father is to pursue little pricks that try to tear the fabric of my daughter's hymen apart!" "Shh!" "Don't you walk away." "Don't you dare." "Oh, I dare." "Caw-caw!" "This sucks!" "This sucks!" "Caw-caw!" "Shut up!" "I'm a bird!" "They can't hear me, idiot!" "We're good." "Let's go." "You...!" "Sounds like somebody's getting ripped apart in there." "Smells funky and musty." "Do you see anything..." "You okay?" "Aye." "Are you okay?" "I'm okay." "Hi, Paul." "Hi, Evan." "Whew." "You all right?" "Scared us." "And who is this mountain of a man?" "My name's Jamarcus." "He's Jamarcus." "Shall we?" "Thanks for taking me here." "This is erotic as hell." "Big Bob, you got daughter at midnight, 12:00." "Move to extraction?" "Stand down, Seal Six." "We go in there hot, we'll humiliate her for the rest of her high school days." "Let's just lay low." "Just taking in intel." "Look, there's that kid from Costco with the big fat dick." "Walking around with his massive cock like he owns the joint." "That shit's just banging against his kneecaps." "20 bucks that guy's dick dips in the toilet when he takes a shit." "Whoo!" "Oh, hey, girl." "Uh-oh." "Oh, yeah." "Dig that shit!" "Dig that shit!" "Who's your daddy?" "!" "I'm her daddy, you piece of shit!" "Come to Daddy's bedroom." "Yeah, it's the master bedroom." "Ooh!" "Let's move ass!" "Which way are we going here?" "Down, down!" "Right this way, gentlemen." "Please, after you." "Thank you, Jamarcus." "It's a nice... place you got here, Paul." "Like the paint." "Oh, thank you, Evan Trautwig." "And allow me to pay you a compliment in kind." "I see you out there jog, jog, jog, jogging, and I often think to myself, my God, what a perfect specimen..." "Excuse me." "Two perfect specimens." "Gentlemen... say good-bye to the world as you know it." "More!" "And say hello to paradise." "Welcome to the sanctuary of the human spirit, gents, because tonight's all about freedom." "And, uh, some about boning." "Think we solved the battery mystery." "Come on in, boys." "The water is just right." "Oh, yeah, cinematography's unreal." "It's definitely gonna win Best Picture." "Yeah." "Switch?" "Yeah." "This is disgusting." "It stinks in here." "Come on, I was wrong." "Let's go." "Hey." "Do you mind if I suck on your balls?" "I'm gonna see how this plays out." "I'm going." "Oh, here we go." "I'll get your name in due course." "Mr. McAllister." "Mandy, this is quite a gathering you got cooking here." "I'm a little surprised." "It's a little late for the chess club to be out!" "Come on, what do we got here?" "A little weed, little tequila." "Where's the hard stuff, pussies?" "Oh, my God, are you guys twins?" "Yes." "Yes." "Oh, my gosh, I can't even tell you guys apart." "I'm kidding!" "I'm kidding!" "Slow down!" "You kids are out of your mind!" "It's, like, I feel like the three of us just met, but I feel like I'm the triplet in a weird way, but in, like, like, in a sexual way." "Like, where do we take it from here?" "I'm located about 45 minutes south of here." "I live with my mom." "Look, I'm not here to break up the party." "Oh, wow." "Wow." "I want you kids to get hopped up." "But I'm looking for a Chelsea McAllister." "Anyone here know where she might be?" "You guys know who I'm talking about, right?" "Um, maybe we should go back to the party." "No." "I want to keep doing this." "Um..." "Okay, I just think we're going a little fast." "We're not." "This is amazing." "We should keep moving at this exact pace." "Maybe even a little bit faster." "Okay, seriously, Jason, stop it." "Seriously, Chelsea," "I don't want to." "Chelsea?" "Dad?" "What are you doing here?" "What the hell?" "!" "Dude, get out of here!" "Let's just go." "Are you okay?" "Ruining this." "Catch you later, Chelse." "Oh, shit." "Hey!" "Hey, jackass!" "I'm talking to you, prick!" "You think you're cute, you little fuck?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Ouch." "That looks like a real gusher, Bob." "Come here, come here!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Oh, my God." "Are you okay, Dad?" "I'm okay." "It just stung a little bit." "You don't fuck with Bob." "You show Bob respect." "Okay." "Bob's my special guy." "That's right." "That's right, that just happened." "You don't tell your parents about this." "You don't tell your friends about this." "You write it in your dream journal, you lock it up, and you put it under your pillow." "I will come back here and I will kill each and every one of you!" "Except for those two hot girls I was talking to." "They have my information, please have them get in contact with me;" "They seem great." "No, I'm glad you showed up tonight." "I'm sorry." "It's okay, honey." "Come on, let's go home." "Okay." "Daddy?" "I'm okay, honey." "I think you got it all." "You can put it away." "You doing all right?" "Mm-hmm." "Good." "Hey, Bob, can I talk to you for a second?" "Yeah, sure." "Okay, honey, I'll be in in a second." "All right." "I love you so much." "I love you, too." "I appreciate you showing up." "I know it takes a big man to apologize." "What happened back there was not cool." "You abandoned your post." "If that had been an alien hive, we would have been killed." "So, it wasn't a hive?" "Where's Jamarcus?" "Jamarcus decided to stay at Paul's." "And no, it wasn't a hive." "It turned out to be a local orgy." "What?" "There's an orgy happening?" "Locally?" "So, wait, y-you're mad at me for leaving an orgy?" "Doesn't matter what it was." "The point is you left us hanging." "It's the principle." "No, the principle is I went to go help my daughter who was in trouble." "Evan, you can't be such a control freak, man." "You're too uptight." "Yeah, Bob, I'm uptight." "I'm uptight about the aliens that are killing people in our neighborhood." "That's what I'm uptight about." "Neighborhood Watch isn't for people who can't handle their daughter's personal shit." "Do you even hear how you sound right now?" "Why don't you look at your own personal life," "Evan, 'cause you don't even have one." "You don't talk to your wife." "You don't have any friends." "I have friends." "No, you don't, man." "I have tons of friends." "No, you don't." "You have clubs." "You start these clubs!" "That's what you do!" "And you become a dictator!" "You just boss everyone and tell them what to do because you're running away from what really matters." "You don't have the guts to deal with what's going on in your own home." "Yeah, well..." "I have the guts to do this." "You're out of the Watch." "You can't throw me out of the Watch." "I just did." "Okay." "You know what?" "I don't care." "You know what?" "I'm gonna start my own watch." "You can't, because there already is a watch!" "So you can't do that." "Oh, yes, I can start my watch, 'cause if I'm not in your watch, you can't give me rules anymore." "I'm gonna keep my own logo, too." "I never liked that logo anyway." "My logo is awesome!" "My logo is "Chinee."" "The "Chinee" understand movement, and I understand the Chinese." "I combined flight with flames with a tiger." "What am I combining, Evan?" "Serenity, optimism, attack!" "Franklin, let's get some pudding inside you." "Franklin, you do not go in that house!" "Jesus, Evan, you don't own him." "You don't own all of us." "Franklin is his own man." "He can make his own decisions." "He can think for himself." "Now, Franklin, get your fucking ass in the house!" "Don't you speak with Franklin!" "Franklin, you stay!" "Franklin, stay!" "Come!" "Franklin, come!" "Come here!" "Frank, come here, come here, come here, Franklin." "Come here, Franklin." "Franklin, look at me." "Franklin." "Franklin, come on." "Um, Evan, you're a special friend but I live here." "How's it feel, Evan, to be in a club of one?" "Maybe he's jacking off too much." "You know what I mean?" "No." "Like, the well is dry by the time you get home." "Well, I don't know." "Ew, stop." "Have you noticed, like, any abrasions or signs of stress on his penis?" "Abrasions?" "No." "Well, like, he's pulling on it too hard." "I'm sterile." "Bye-bye." " Hey, Carla." " Hey." "Honey, I can't have kids." "I went to a doctor and got it checked out." "And I am barren." "It's me, it's not you." "It's not the both of us, it's me." "And I've been trying to tell you, but just every time you wanted to have sex, it was all I could think about." "And I didn't know how to tell you, so I..." "I mean, I mean, why?" "Why wouldn't you tell me?" "Isn't that the kind of thing that couples figure out together?" "I just knew how much you wanted this, and I didn't want to let you down." "Yeah, but I want this." "More than anything." "And..." "I don't know, we can figure all that other stuff out." "All I ever wanted was for us to be a team." "That's all I ever wanted." "Honey, oh..." "No more secrets, okay?" "Actually... there is one more secret." "Okay." "Hey, Evan." "Jamarcus, you know what, now's not a good time." "Okay, well, I need to tell you something." "I know." "I just need to be with my wife right now." "This is more important." "Whatever it is, it isn't." "Trust me." "We need to get the Neighborhood Watch together now." "Do you want another one?" "That gonna hold you over?" "I'll eat more pudding if you have more." "I don't know that I'm open to an apology yet." "You serious?" "Jamarcus, what's going on?" "Oh..." "The fuck?" "Oh, my God." "Is that a..." "like, a parlor trick?" "It's okay." "It's okay." "Touch my goo, Bob." "Feels like cum." "Holy fuck, it feels like cum!" "What?" "He's a fucking alien!" "You stay the fuck back, Jamarcus!" "All right, what the hell is going on?" "Franklin, I'm not here to hurt you." "Believe me, I've had many chances to kill you." "You're one of them?" "You're an alien?" "Look, our ship came here six months ago, and we've been hiding ever since." "We inhabited your human form to infiltrate your society and learn your weaknesses, but instead..." "Why is this thing still talking?" "Let's kill him." "Because, in a few hours, our transmitter will become operational." "When it signals, our armada will commence a global invasion starting here in Glenview, which is clearly not ideal for you." "What?" "Why?" "We're aliens." "That's we do..." "we come to planets, we destroy them, we move on." "Wait a minute." "Did you kill Antonio?" "No." "God, of course not." "I know who did." "His name's Flertrok." "The man is a fucking cunt." "Where is this transmitter thing?" "The only place big enough with enough power and supplies." "Costco?" "Yeah." "You've been planning an alien invasion in my Costco?" "You really do have everything you need under one roof." "Why are you telling us this if we don't have any time to stop it?" "What kind of sick fucking head game are you playing?" "Well, because there's good news." "If you leave now, you will survive the initial invasion, and after that, if you take to the desert and live in caves and crevices, you could, you know, live with moderate dignity for most of your lives." "I don't believe a word he's saying." "He betrayed the Watch." "Yes, but since then, I've come to know humanity's compassion and..." "and beauty and... and love." "I don't want to lie anymore." "And also, the ball sucking was a real eye opener." "Look, I'm not going to ask for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve it." "I'm really sorry." "Just go." "Okay." "Please, save yourselves while there's still time." "What the hell is happening?" "Well, if we don't leave here right now, we're going to die." "Guys, are you actually talking about giving up and leaving Glenview?" "No, I think we go and... and alert the authorities, get as many people out as possible." "And then what?" "And then..." "I don't know." "Evan's right." "We need to hit the caves." "Guys, we're not going to let Glenview become ground zero for an alien invasion and not do something about it." "We're the Neighborhood Watch." "This is what we do." "No, Bob, come on." "It's what we did..." "or never really did, because we didn't really do anything." "Until now." "I say, tonight, we change that." "Evan, you started the neighborhood watch because you believed in something." "You believed in this town." "You believed in these people." "You believed in us." "And damn it, I still do." "We're not going to let a bunch of aliens waltz in here and do whatever the hell they want to do." "I say, not on our watch." "I say they drew the short straw when they picked Glenview." "Now, come on, guys, and get your heads right." "This neighborhood's going to need our best tonight." "Evan, some aliens just set up tents in your store." "What do you want to do about it?" "Costco is for members only." "Let's take out that transmitter." "Now we're talking." "All right, Watch." "This is it." "Now it gets real." "That's a cute ten-milly Beretta, Bobby." "But I say we make a little pit stop at my house." "Welcome to the candy shop, motherfuckers." "Jesus." "Nice." "Holy shit." "Ladies first." "Oh." "This one looks cute." "Cute and deadly." "Just like me." "Ew." "Franklin, what are you doing?" "Who are these people?" "And what are you doing with these guns?" "Goddamn it, Mom, stay the fuck out of my room!" "I don't go through your shit!" "I don't touch your butterflies!" "Franklin." "Stay the fuck out." "All right, everyone out of my room." "Everyone out of my room." "Everyone leave." "Everyone leave." "Everyone out." "Politeness, yeah." " I got shit I have to do." " Nice to meet you." "It was a pleasure." "I'm sorry, Mama." "I was trying to impress my friends." "I was trying to be a big man." "I love you." "Stay inside the house tonight, okay?" "What..." "You're an angel." "Glenview PD." "Bressman?" "This is Sergeant Bressman." "It's Evan Trautwig." "Listen to me very carefully." "There is an alien invasion happening at the Costco." "I know it sounds crazy, but you got to get down there right now." "Oh, an alien invasion?" "Really?" "At-at Costco?" "Right now?" "Oh, great, I'm on my way." "Oh, wait, no, I'm not." "I'm still here for some reason." "G-Give me the phone." "Give me the phone." "Bressman, you were right." "Trautwig is the Costco killer." "He's going to take us to Costco right now and kill us." "You got to help us." "Aah!" "He's coming." "Really?" "Yeah." "He believed that?" "Look." "Oh, my God." "That's an alien." "I-I-I..." "I'm looking at an alien." "I know." "It can be a total mind-fuck." "What do we do, bust in the front door, guns blazing?" "I love the enthusiasm, Frank 'n' Beans, but I think we're going to need a different kind of strategy here." "There's only one way underneath the store." "It's through the drainage grate in frozen foods." "When we rebuilt the tire section, we put shelving over the trash chute, but we never sealed it off." "Stay behind me." "Let's go." "Pop this bitch open." "I'll cover you." "Come on, let's go, guys." "Let's go, let's go, let's go." "I can't..." "Shh." "Do you have nails?" "Do you have nails?" "He's guarding the grate." "Are you guys in position?" "In position." "This is exciting." "Okay." "All right, we shoot him on three." "I repeat... shoot on three." "One." "Two." "Three!" "Freeze, Trautwig." "Game over." "Where'd it go?" "Did you see it?" "I don't know." "You're under arrest for the murder of Manfred Salisbury," "Shh!" "Shh!" "Antonio Guzman" "And that little punk skater kid." ":" "Shut up." "Drop the guns." "You don't understand what's happening." "Oh, yeah?" "There's aliens in the store." "Aliens?" "Where?" "It was right over there until you scared it." "Now, keep your mouth down." "Oh, aliens who are scared by the sound" " of a door opening." " Shh!" "Look out, Earth." "You've met your match." "No, we're not" "Drop the guns!" "going to drop our guns, because there are aliens here." "Chucho, what's up, buddy?" "You got something to say?" "Oh, what the fuck is that thing?" "No." "No!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Oh!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" "Chucho." "Oh, Chucho, Chucho." "Oh, stay with me, buddy." "Stay with me." "Oh, no, no, no, Chucho." "Come on, come on, come on." "Come on, stay with me." "His, uh..." "Stay with me." "Come on." "his heart is out of his body, fella." "I-I don't think he's going to make it." "What?" "No, no, he's going to make it." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Listen, cop!" "You got a lot of shit you need to brought up to speed on, and I, for one, don't have the goddamn time to hold your hand and walk you through it." "First, aliens exist." "Deal with it." "Second, your boy Chuch, here, is dead as fuck." "And there ain't nothing on God's green Earth that's going to bring him back to us." "Now, I have a bunch of aliens underneath this Costco, and we are moments away from this Earth being stomped a new asshole." "Now, I have one important question, and I need you to answer it for me right now." "Are you with us?" "Are you a cop?" "No." "You rejected me." "'Cause I was too awesome for you." "Well, that was clearly the biggest goddamn mistake I've ever made." "I'll do whatever you say, kid." "Lock and load, bitches." "Anything from outer space, kill it." "Come on." "That alien was guarding that grate for a reason." "Die!" "Die!" "You... killed..." "my... friend!" "You stupid Flertrok!" "I don't know if we can confirm or deny whether or not that's Flertrok, but this thing's a goner for sure." "Oh, it hurts." "I guess this is the part where you leave me to die." "No, no." "Uh, you're not going to die." "Yeah, you're not going to die." ":" "He's going to..." "he's going to die." "You better get some help." "That doesn't sound good." "Come on, we got to find that transmitter." "Hey." "Go kill me some aliens, baby." "All right." "Okay." "Hey." "I need you to be strong for me, okay?" "Ew." "Okay..." "Franklin." "What's the deal?" "What are we doing?" "All right, you ready?" "Yeah, okay." "Okay, I'm just going to lift your arm." "Here we go." "Holy shit." "Gentlemen." "What the hell are you doing down here?" "Nothing, really." "Just picking up some paper towels in bulk." "Super-big tub of mayo." "And what else?" "Oh, yeah." "Transmitting a signal to my armada to destroy your entire race." "Holy shit!" "He's an alien!" "You motherfucker!" "You guys go destroy the transmitter." "I'll deal with this jackass." "No." "We're not going to leave you alone with him." "Goddamn it, Evan, we don't have time for this shit." "Just go, go, go, go, go!" "I got him." "I got him." "Bob's right." "Look, they have some shit they have to work out." "Okay, you be careful." "Let's just go." "Come on." "Okay." "Okay, Bob." "You can do this." "Come on, Bob." "This is too easy." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "God." "Oh, my God." "What do we do?" "I have an idea." "My idea didn't work." "Evan, they're not dying!" "I'm out of bullets." "So am I." "It's going to be an honor getting skinned alive next to you." "What is happening?" "Why are their dicks exploding?" "Hi." "That's the only way to kill us." "Severe trauma to the dick." "That's where our brains are." "Like all guys." "Am I right?" "You know it." "Bob, come in." "If you can hear me... their weakness is their dick." "Their Achilles' heel is in their dicks." "Die!" "Magnum, my ass." "I only needed one hand for that shit." "Jamarcus, how do you shut this thing down?" "Looks like the orb's powering it, so maybe removing the orb would de-power it?" "You're guessing?" "You seriously don't know how this thing works?" "I'm not an engineer." "I didn't build it." "I mean, do you know how your cell phone works?" "Do I..." "Yes, I know how my cell phone works." "You hit a bunch of numbers and you hit send." "At least don't you know the basic...?" "What do you mean, the basic?" "Look at it." "It's not fucking basic." "It looks complicated." "That light bit." "See, that light... that means it's almost charged, right?" "What's happening?" "Whoa!" "What the fuck is he doing here?" "Bob, it's all right." "We were surrounded, and he saved our asses." "You okay?" "He came in here jacking dicks left and right." "Shit." "What is that?" "I'm going to go get that orb thing." "You guys cover me, all right?" "Yeah, Evaroo." "Just go quick." "Hurry up." "This place sucks." "I've gone to the other side, guys." "I'm fucking way in it." "If first thing in war is lost is fucking innocence..." "Yeah!" "Better watch it." "Hurry up, buddy." "Hurry up." "It's transmitting!" "Get it off that thing." "It worked!" "All right." "Let's get the fuck out of here." "What is it?" "Franklin!" "Holy shit." "Evan, let's go!" "We got to get the orb out of here." "Cover us." "Let's go." "I got you, Frank 'n' Bean!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Get up there, Frank." "Come on, Evan." "Move, move, move." "This place is crawling." "Jamarcus, give me your hand!" "Just go." "Take the orb out and go." "No Watchman left behind!" "Give me your hand!" "Come on, pal!" "Come on, brother." "Let's go." "Fridge!" "Franklin!" "Get up here." "Let's go." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Come on, come on!" "Let's go!" "Franklin, the switch!" "Get back, Abby!" "Abby!" "Take cover!" "Come on, boys!" "Let's plug these motherfucking holes!" "Good-bye, sweet child of mine." "Evan!" "Wait, what's happening?" "Did we win?" "I can't see." "Are those tears of joy?" "They're not tears of joy, are they?" "Oh, no." "Your husband's dead, isn't he?" "Your husband's dead." "I'm so sorry." "You're going to find somebody." "You're going to find somebody." "You're a great person." "Life goes on, though." "There's always something better around the corner." "That's what my mom always said." "I'm single, too, actually." "Hey." "Your Costco." "I'm sorry, baby." "Don't be." "She'll rise again." "Like a phoenix from the ashes." "And when she does, we'll be there." "We did it, Ev." "Yeah, we did." "You came back for us." "We went to an orgy together." "We are, like, friends forever now." "I'll explain that to you later." "Okay." "Yeah." "Hey." "Listen, I'm sorry about that stuff I said before." "Ah, forget it, man." "I'm really sorry about the stuff I said, too, but..." "I mean, that's what brothers do." "They fight." "But then they always make up, right?" "Are we cool?" "Yeah." "All right." "Get in here, little big man." "That's my guy." "That was really beautiful, you guys." "Now do me." "What?" "Apologize to me." "For what?" "If I have to tell you, then the apology is meaningless." "All right, Frank 'n' Beans." "Get in here." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Come on, Jamrock." "All right, guys." "Listen, baby, I know things get tough, but I'm okay." "Yeah." "No, look, I understand." "You got to stop that." "Really." "What are you doing?" "Really." "I'm in a weird place." "I'm sorry." "I don't want to come off as kind of a bottom-feeder, but there could be a couple of knickknacks in that store" "Don't even finish it." "that no one's going to miss." "Don't even finish it." "What are you doing?" "No." "Pick up a couple knickknacks or something for the..." "That stuff's all covered by insurance." "You can't..." "What are you...?" "I used to think I had it all, but then I realized:" "What was it all about without friends?" "All right, kids, let's get in a little tighter here." "Let's keep the hands above the hips." "Let's keep it 1950s in this bitch, okay?" "Is it true your dad ripped your last boyfriend's dick off?" "Yup." "Hey, you guys be home by midnight." "I was thinking actually 10:30, sir, if that's okay with you." "Don't be such a suck-up." "What, are you going to blow me in the driveway?" "Midnight's going to be fine." "Sometimes, someone you thought was a total douche bag..." "I mean, like, a real piece of shit guy... turns out to be your best friend and your partner." "And for me, even though my testicles had completely betrayed me, Abby hadn't." "She and I were a team." "Boo!" "Whoa!" "Mommy, Daddy." "And a family." "Oh!" "Where did you come from?" "I now know that we are not alone." "And I'm feeling pretty good about that." "That's right." "So, if you hear something go bump in the night, never fear, because the Neighborhood Watch, as always, is watching... the neighborhood... for aliens."