"We've got lots of canyons in Texas but nothing quite like this one, once you get north of Neiman Marcus, that is." "Today is roundup time." "This restless herd has been known to trample to death, inside of 18 seconds, the bank accounts of 1,200 husbands." "Sheriff, arrest that woman." "She's the cause of the whole doggone stampede." "She's a no-good, two-timing, double-crossing, thieving skunk." "Well, this is Fifth Avenue." "She's a no-good, two-timing, double-crossing, thieving, natural wild mink." "Her name is Samantha Blake." "That's right, Samantha." "It's from the Bible." "And so, in some things, is her conscience." "Maybe that's why, at the ripe old age of 25, Samantha is a semi-virgin." "That's a girl who tried love once but didn't like it." "So instead of a cold shower, she plunged into a career as head buyer of ladies' dresses for J. Bergner, Incorporated," "Fifth Avenue, the working girl's friend." "Part of her job is to copy from the rich, and sell to the poor." "The rich poor." "After midnight, she prowls the world's most expensive jungle." "She carries a sketch pad, dark glasses, a photographic memory, a tiny German camera and the soul of Mata Hari." "She's just a sweet-looking, innocent, cold-blooded horse thief." "And don't think the word hasn't gotten around." "So I figure we can duplicate it in rayon and machine the embroidery and sell the whole schmeer for about $39." "Bonwit's price is 200." "Girls will come swimming in from Long Island for this one." "The detail on the bow's a little like that, see?" "Rembrandt couldn't have copied it any better." "Rembrandt didn't learn from Macy's window." "Sam, I got something to tell you." "Come to the office." "Okay, girls, take a break, we'll pick it up later." "And get me a sample of that embroidery, all right?" "Marvin, I'm not paying you to look at the models." " Nephews I have to hire yet." " I wonder whose niece she is." "Bergner, come and take a look at this." "Something's wrong." "Upstairs it doesn't look good." "I get the message." "Here, slip these in, honey." "More men have promised to love, honor and obey a good set of sponge rubber than they'll ever know." "Sometimes I get this great feeling of sadness for the opposite sex." "All right, all right." "Come to the office." "You too, bright eyes." "What's doing at the office all of a sudden?" "I was in Ohrbach's today." " Wash your mouth out with soap." " Listen." "They got a good operation, a fine operation." "And you know it too." "And that's the last kind word about the competition." "You know what it is to own a store?" "Like a child." "You watch it grow, give it the best." "Me?" "I got no children." " Here we go." " All right." "Who said I got no children?" "All my children are right in this building." "My favorites, right in this room." " Mr. Bergner, we feel the same way." " All right." "You know what Ohrbach's is showing?" " What?" " Dior, Givenchy." " "Givenchy."" " Yeah, them too." "The best from Paris." "So?" "Why not?" "Do you mean what I think you mean?" "Wednesday we're leaving for Paris." "How soon can you get packed?" "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" "What's right?" "We'll take in all the showings, the new fashions" " at the best houses." " Great." "And for my children, nothing is too good." "We'll buy." "We'll buy, buy and buy." "And what we can't buy, we'll steal." "Out in California, they're stealing bases." "Take a good look at Chavez Ravine, if you can see it through the smog." "Three years ago it was a goat pasture." "Today they're fighting for the World Series here." "Shows you what hard work and the will to succeed can achieve." "I was up in the press box, even though I don't cover sports." "I came out from New York to do a series on rocket hardware, but I picked up a blond and a pass to the ball game because I just can't resist athletics." "Any kind." "There was more than one game going on." "I started to discuss the last play and suggested the next one." "Shows you what hard work and the will to succeed can achieve." "By the eighth inning I'd found a much more comfortable place to watch the game." "The pitch is outside, making the count 3-2 on the batter." "This crowd is going out of its mind." "Here's the pitch." "And it's a base hit right over second base." "I have an idea the excitement is just beginning, so don't go away." "And now, a word about something of interest to all you men in our audience." "Fellas, if you're like I am, when you want a lather, you want it fast." "Well, you're looking at something that'll wilt your beard faster than anything known to science;" "Insta-Shave." "Look for it." "There's no mistaking this package." "And now, back to the field." "Here's the windup." "The pitch." "Strike one, right on the inside corner." "Here comes the next pitch." "And there she goes." "Going, going..." "It's a home run, over the right-field fence." "Boy, oh, boy!" "If you left this game early, you've certainly missed a lot of action." "You're fired." "Sacked." "Or as we used to put it in the newspaper business, canned." "Pick up your severance pay and get out." "Have I made myself painfully clear?" "You know, Mr. Chalmers, my contract with International Press was drawn by the outstanding, foremost, the most respected sneaky lawyer in the business." "I, along with the United Automobile Workers and the Brotherhood of Teamsters..." "Thank you." "And the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees, am non-cancelable." "Modern living." "It's ruining everything." "It used to be fun to fire people." "Now it takes a ruling of the Supreme Court." "So I missed the deadline on my column." "I'm not the first guy or the last." "And besides, it's your fault, Mr. Chalmers." "My fault?" "Remember that "Welcome to Los Angeles" party..." " Yes, I remember that..." " At your house?" " Yes." " That's where I met that blond." "Tell you the truth, I don't even know her name." "It's Mrs. Chalmers." "Oh, boy... I..." "I don't know what to say." "Small world." "Isn't it?" "But that's my problem." "Steve, I can't figure you out." "First it was that ambassador's wife in Washington." "Then the girlfriend of the Russian consul." " What a dog." " And now..." "How a writer with your intellectual capacity can waste his whole..." "There are a lot of things I don't wanna waste, Mr. Chalmers." "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may" "That's what Robert Herrick said." "Pretty fair poet." "And you know about Baudelaire." "He wrote his best work in the boudoir with a quill pen on the naked back of his mistress." "Now, what would you have me use for inspiration?" "An electric typewriter?" "I don't care what you use, as long as I'm not married to it." "But you do need something." "In addition to everything else, your columns have been getting lousy." " Thank you." " All right." "Due to the grace of your lawyer, I can't fire you." "But one thing I can do:" "I can send you as far away from my wife as possible." "Now, you get back to New York and straighten out your affairs..." "Business." "Because next Wednesday, you're leaving for our office in Paris." "Paris?" "Where you'll probably, I hope, kill yourself." "Oh, yeah, but what a wonderful way to go." "Oh, listen, about your wife, I'm really sorry." "If there's anything I can do..." "You've done it." "Yeah, I guess so." "Welcome aboard Scandinavian Airlines Flight 45, from New York to Paris." "We are now serving snacks, and dinner will be along shortly." ""As your magic-carpet jet speeds you to romantic la belle France..."" "That's pronounced "France." "The land that was made for love."" "Okay, melding a round house, that's 240, makes 500." " You owe me another ten bucks." " La belle France, the land that was made for pinochle." "Your deal, Sam." "This time I'll knock your brains out." "You know, if I had a son, he would've been just like her." "But he'd have combed his hair." "Okay, your lead." "This time you'll lose your shirt." "Is that so?" "I'll murder you." "I'll marbleize you." "You know, I got an idea." "If Lindbergh could have looked into the future, that lonely dawn in 1927 he'd have said the hell with it." "This is your copilot." "We are sorry that there is nothing interesting for you to look at at this altitude." "But our stewardess will do whatever they can to keep you happy." "Is there something I can give you?" " Do you have a quill pen?" " Quill pen?" "Yes, I was thinking of writing a letter home to Mummy." "No, I don't think so." "Perhaps after we serve dinner." "Sjutusen sjuhundra sjuttiosju." " What?" " That's 7,777 in Swedish." "I've been waiting eight years to work that into a conversation." "Well, your accent is terrible." "And I'm Danish, not Swedish." "Excuse me." " What's for dinner?" " Pâté foie gras truffé, to start." "What's that?" "Chopped liver, like your mother couldn't make." "It's from a goose they feed 12 times a day and don't let it get any exercise." "My brother-in-law, Marvin's father." "I..." "Excuse me, I..." "I have this bit of a problem." "You see," "I have this delicate stomach, and I was just wondering if I could get in here and prepare my own..." " I'm very sorry, but we're not allowed..." " I don't see why not." "On El Al, they let you cook your own chicken soup, and on lots of airlines you can sit on the stewardess' lap if you can get the pilots off." "We got one those kooks on board." "Some guy is helping the stewardesses serve the dinner." "He's probably drunk." "I don't know why they're allowed to serve liquor at this altitude." "He's not drunk." "He's cute." "He's not cute." "He's drunk." "Play cards." "No, no, no, no, no." "Your dinner, sir." " Drunk." " He's cute." "I..." "I'm really awfully sorry." "Miss?" "What's on this steak?" "That's a Manhattan." "We ran out of Scotch." "All the other passengers seem to like it." "Would you mind asking the stewardess to bring me something else, please?" "And the next time you're in New York," "I suggest you call El Dorado 5-3598." "That's Alcoholic Anonymous." "You need help." "Yes, sir." "What did he say?" " Shut up and deal." " Can't blame him." "Good morning." "This is Captain Gustaffson." "We estimate Orly Field, Paris, in about one hour." "The temperature on the ground is 51 degrees Fahrenheit." "Our altitude now is 39,000 feet, and our ground speed approximately 600 miles an hour as we begin our descent." "We hope you've had a pleasant flight." "But of course, you must have a toast in champagne your first moment in France." "At 6:00 in the morning, I think I'd prefer orange juice." "Oh, darling, in Paris, we only have orange juice when there is a roast duck in it." " You peasant." " In this country, we've gotta rely on Miss Courbeau and her buying office to show us the ropes." "Whatever she says goes, especially champagne." " My name is Felicienne, Mr. Bergner." " Oh, beautiful." "Oh, garçon, champagne, s'il vous plait." " Certainement." " Oh, Mr. Bergner, look." "Isn't it lovely?" "Say, that's a nice view over there." "Welcome to la belle France, Mr. Bergner." " And hang on to your gold teeth." " Lina, you're jealous." "Why shouldn't I be?" "I worked for that schmo for 15 years." "And he still thinks I'm just doing it for the money." "Maybe I should have walked into his office a long time ago and said, "Mr. Bergner, we simply must have breakfast." "Prune Danish, quart of champagne." "A poached egg on mink."" "The only trouble with being middle-aged is it lasts so long." " Perhaps this will help, madam." " Oh, thanks a lot." "This isn't exactly a pleasure trip." "If you really wanna know the truth, I'm in exile." "The boss' wife." ""Hot Lips" Hannah?" " Monsieur?" " Scotch?" "Well, they're drinking in New York." "Un Scotch et une 7 UP." "Harry, you ever feel absolutely useless?" "Every morning when I get out of the shower." "Unfortunately, I got a full-length mirror." " Yeah, well, at least you face it." " Who faces?" "No, but, I mean, who am I fooling?" "I ain't no global thinker." "I'm just a bright boy from Texas going to write the greatest play the world ever saw." "I never got past the third page." "I got to page four." "Then my typing finger got tired." "After that I was gonna write the world's greatest column." "You read it lately?" "Neither have I." "Then I took up blonds for an excuse." "A new one every week." "Sometimes four, sometimes six." " You know what that's a sign of?" " Stamina?" "No, loneliness." "Deep, mixed-up, cotton-picking loneliness." "Maybe you could teach me to be lonely too." "Pick a different cotton every week." "I'm telling you, boy, I gotta get on the stick." "I gotta come up with something that's gonna be so far-out that, well, they'll have to start shining up the Pulitzer prize and ordering me back to New York on a chartered rose petal." "Bon voyage." "Now, you, you've been working here in Paris." "Now, how do you get a..." "An interview with somebody in the French cabinet?" " Or the old boy at the top?" " What's your angle?" "I don't know." "Maybe his love life." "Nobody's tried that yet." "That's good." "That's very good." "Then you can write your experiences as the first American to be guillotined." " Olé." " Frère Jacques." "I think I'll take you to Lanvin this afternoon." "Tomorrow to Dior." "He's one of the best." "Then St. Laurent..." "Oh, you mustn't mention that you've been to the other houses." "It's absolutely a civil war." "Why, you have to have passports to get in." "It's so exciting." "You can dress in leopard from top to bottom." "And what woman doesn't want to have a leopard bottom?" "And Pierre Cardin..." " Who's that?" " I don't know." "Some dame I met in the men's room." "Why not?" "This is Paris." "Paris isn't the Eiffel Tower the Arc de Triomphe or the Sacré Coeur." "This is Paris." "How'd you like to take a sightseeing bus around that?" "Numéro vingt-quatre." "Robe de cocktail." "Ombrée." "Number 24." "Cocktail gown." "Ombré, brown ostrich." "Of course, you could never sit down in it." "You'd look like you are sitting on your nest." " But it is rather charming, isn't it?" " Not to me." "It reminds me of the two years I spent as a chicken-plucker." "Numéro vingt-cinq." "Robe du soir et manteau." "Rouge Goya." "Number 25." "Evening gown and cape." "Goya red." "Nice little housedress." "Not very practical." "You're liable to get those sleeves caught in the garbage disposal." "Number 27." "Dinner suit." "Brocade and mink." " So how much are they already?" " Oh, the French are very wise." "They never quote prices in public." "The price of this dress is about $2,000." "Sam." "I figure in rayon and rabbit fur, we can do it for about $89.95." "Remember good." "There was another showing in Paris that Harry and I attended." "We were working too, of course." "I wanted desperately to get that interview with someone in the French cabinet, or the old boy at the top." "We looked for him everyplace." "To each his own." "You lost her." "The stuff from the boutiques looks just as good as those expensive originals." "I don't know why we don't get more of them." "Darling, no woman buys a Paris gown to save money." "Unless, of course, she's in love with her husband." "And then why bother?" "Comes to about $42 a dozen." " Madam?" " Merci." "You know, the hats are divine this season." " What did you wanna do that for?" " I couldn't resist it." "The last guy that bowed to me was playing King Arthur in the fourth grade." "I was Lady Guinevere." "So, Lady Guinevere, how are you coming with the brassieres?" "Fine." "But come on up here and take a look." "All these French sizes are marked different." "This one says size 86." "Now, would you believe it?" "How you gonna convert that into inches?" "It might help you to know that I wear a size 90." "It helps a lot." "I found a wonderful place here to get sponge rubber." "Everybody goes there." "Mr. Bergner?" "I don't know whether you think it's illegal to pay" " for something you can steal." " Sure, it's illegal." "But I'm not sure." "It might be better to buy some of those Paris originals, huh?" " Buy?" " Yeah." "That's right." "You can copy them much easier that way." "Everyone does it." "They sell you the rights." "Now, Mr. Bergner, isn't your money just as good as Saks' or Magnins'?" "Sure, it's as good." "That's why I wanna keep it in the bank where it belongs." "What do you think, Lina?" "Ninety?" "Centimeters, darling." "I said, what do you think?" "I think it's a wonderful night." "How'd you like to buy me a bowl of onion soup and a cheese Danish?" "Onion soup, 1:00 in the morning?" "If I'm gonna get indigestion, I'd like to get it at a decent hour." "Come over here and take a look." " Somebody left their shade up?" " Look at that." "The Champs-Elysées." "The heart of Paris." "The most beautiful city in the world." "It's like a dress you couldn't copy with the best cutters on 34th Street covered from top to bottom with 10,000 sparkling lights." "Like some tailor was crazy and sewed the whole thing over with diamonds." "Normal." "Maybe it's just brain damage." "Or perhaps we've all been working a little too hard." "I know a charming bistro in the Montmartre, where the onion soup is not going to give you indigestion." "It's made with champagne." "Would they serve it without the onions?" "Why, that's the best way!" "And there is music and singing." "And when the proprietor is in the mood, the tables are pushed back, and everyone makes the twist." "It's so French." "It sounds great." "Come on." "It'll do us good to knock off early and have a little fun." "Glad you thought of it." "Sam, get your coat." "No, thank you, Mr. Bergner." "Somebody's gotta do the invoices." "How about you?" "Onion soup?" "I'm tired." "I think I got a little touch of brain damage." "Well, suit yourself." "Looks like you're stuck with me." "Oh, I don't think I mind at all." "You know, most Americans don't know how to enjoy themselves." "In Europe, we learned how to let ourselves go." "That's why all wars begin here." " Well, off to the battle." " Darling, can you make the twist?" " Can I make the twist?" " Why, not bad at all." "Come on." "I knew she wasn't all done up like that just to take inventory." "You should have gone along to protect him." "Got nothing to wear but that old sequin dress." "Like some tailor was crazy and sewed the whole thing over with broken glass." "I found an apartment in the shadow of the Sacré Coeur, and was beginning to enjoy my exile when Harry came rushing at top speed, for him, across the square that has launched generations of immortal artists," "all painting the same immortal painting." "Everybody's talking about it." "I ran as fast as I could." " What do you mean, I'm fired?" " I just came from the office." "Communiqué from the boss." "Chalmers." "You've been given your two weeks' notice." " What?" " Quote." "Unquote." "But don't worry, they did it to Louis the XVI, and he came back, didn't he?" " Or did he?" " He can't do it." "I got the best lawyer in the States to draw that contract." " It's got three more years to run." " Looks like he found a loophole." " How could he?" " He hired your lawyer to look for it." "That is un-American." " You going back home?" " You bet I'm not." "I've been working." "I've got two weeks to show that charcoal-gray fink that he's throwing away the great white hope of American journalism." "He'll be begging me to sign up again." "When I dream it, he has tears in his eyes, and he's throwing hundred-dollar bills." " Come here." " But I never catch them." "I've been up all night, pounding out a new idea for the column." " All night?" " Yeah, read it." "Dateline, Montmartre." "Bébé." "Good morning." "Au revoir, bébé." "Actually, you can say that again." "Au revoir, bébé." "Au revoir, bébé." "Do I know you?" "Mais certainement." "Oh, of course." "I didn't recognize you dry." "Au revoir." "One thing." "You've got your nose to the grindstone every minute." "Come on, read it, I want your opinion." "Okay." ""Dateline, Montmartre." "Here in a garret..."" " Get with it." " "Overlooking the 'trumbled'..." "The tumbled rooftops..."" "You're gonna laugh, but this writing is so shaky it looks like you wrote with a quill pen." ""That still house the ghosts of Montaigne and Baudelaire," "I found a certain enchantment that is..."" "Come on." " Where we going?" " To get a typewriter and a desk." "Oh, good idea." "Although there's a lot to be said for Granddaddy's way." "Baby." "I've been exhaling for an hour and a half." "Nothing zips." "Here, let me." "Come on over by the mirror." "Made up my mind I was gonna look sexy tonight even if the whole town run out of sponge rubber." "All right, so inhale." " Boy, what is that perfume?" " "My Sin." I hope it's a prediction." " Are you gonna go out with Joe?" " That schlemiel?" "Him and his French poodle are out onion-souping again." "You can inhale." "So who are you going out with?" "Come on, you can tell me." "A handsome Frenchman." " Count, maybe." " No kidding!" "Or Charles Boyer or an American millionaire or Adlai Stevenson" " or a taxi driver or a street cleaner..." " All right." "I hope he does get indigestion." "Throw something on and come along." "There's a moon out tonight that looks just like a Spanish omelet." "We'll paint the town." "No, I gotta get those invoices out." "Then I thought maybe I might go out and sketch some shop windows." " Want a cigarette?" " No, thanks." " What's the matter with you, Sam?" " What do you mean?" "Well, with me there's some excuse." "But you?" "This is Paris." "Take a look outside." "This isn't a city." "It's a great big 114 square miles of love potion." "And a girl should take advantage." "Thank you." "I tried it once and no, thank you." " Once?" "With you that's a career?" " Yeah, that's a career." "Listen, I was in love once." "Very much in love." "And I got kicked right in the stomach." "So I decided then and there that I'd show them all I don't need them." "All the men I can live without." "Maybe someday, when I've really made something of myself, then I'll think about getting married." "Married?" "Who's talking married?" "I was married once." "It just convinced me that there must be something more to sex than that." "Listen, I think you'd better run along." "That perfume may wear off." "I got no place to go." "I was going for a ride in the park in one of those horse and carriages, alone." "I figured no girl should come to Paris without riding in the park." "Listen, you'll probably meet somebody very nice in the lobby." "That dress does wonders for you." "Don't let's kid ourselves." "I wanna get married again, Sam." "It was the best I ever knew." "All the rest is nothing." "You ought to get married too." "How old are you?" " Never mind." " "Never mind" is already enough." "You know the Daily News building in New York?" "Yeah." "Right over the entrance, next to the clock, cut right in the stone, it says, "It is later than you think."" "Ever since I saw it there, I only buy the Herald-Tribune." "But it hasn't helped." "If you wanna borrow some of this perfume, you're welcome." "But it doesn't young you any." "That night it looked like rain." "I didn't wanna catch cold, so I called Suzanne to come over with her umbrella." "She brought a friend, to prevent pneumonia." "We spent the whole evening avoiding infection." "Doctor Kildare would have been proud of us, and of all the others in Paris who joined us in the good fight." "Pardon." "Have you a match?" "Sacre bleu!" "Mon dieu!" "Hey, cab." "I want a cab." " Bonsoir, madame." " Yeah." "No, I'm on the town tonight." "I wanna sit up there." "How much is this gonna cost?" " Quinze francs." " What's that?" "Three bucks?" " Yes, three bucks." " Okay, let's go." " Alphonse." " If you don't mind, I get nervous when anybody else drives." "Come on, let's go." "Take us straight to jail." "It'll save time." "I think somewhere in the Bible it says that virtue is its own reward." "For the rest of us, it's Bromo-Seltzer." "There's another proverb that I picked up somewhere." ""There is no sleep like the sleep of the innocent, while the wicked will never find rest."" "I must have done something very good once in my life." "But it must have been before my voice changed." "This is the Festival of Saint Catherine, the patron saint of all unmarried girls who work in the dress shops." "All of the fashion salons throw parties." "The girls dance with each other." "And for a few frantic hours, Paris is no man's land." "It's enough to break your heart." "Today, Paris belongs to the salesgirls and the models." "All the shops are closed and all the salons, in honor of St. Catherine." "Oh, here you are, darling." "The best actors entertain, and the champagne is free." "And all the girls keep drinking till all the other girls begin to look like boys?" "No, no, darling." "This is a religious holiday." " Amen." " You see, darling, all these girls are looking for husbands, like I am." "Like you are." "May the best girl win." "Good luck." "Why did you have to turn out to be likable?" "I like you too." " Shall we dance?" " I'll be delighted." "Now I've seen everything." "Mesdames, messieurs." "For our friends who do not speak French, I will explain." "This fete began over 1,000 years ago, when I was just a small boy." "And these strange hats..." "Well, they must be worn by all the young ladies who are over 25 and unmarried." "You are over 25?" "I love Paris." "It's so insincere." "Thank you." "Now, St. Catherine insists, of course, that these ladies must be unspoiled, untouched, virgin." "But wait, wait." "We are all, in France, gentlemen." "And any young lady who is 25 years old, and she's not married, well, naturally, we will take your word for it." "Vive la France!" "Now, now, all of you young ladies will go to place flowers on the shrine of St. Catherine." "And you will make your wish for a husband." "Hey, hey." "Hey." "Suppose a girl doesn't want a husband?" "Or a romance, or anything?" "This is a day of love, mademoiselle." "And love, whatever you may think, at least in Paris, is becoming very popular." "So let me tell you a little about it, to say as well as I can remember it." "And you know, mademoiselle, I remember it well." "When you have anything as lovely to remember, when you are my age, as Mimi." "You funny, little, good-for-nothing Mimi Am I the guy?" "You see?" "Everyone else remembers." "Mimi, Gigi, Valentine." "I assure you, my stubborn friend." "If I had my life to live over again, I wouldn't have the strength." "But you." "You are young." "You are beautiful." "You haunt me all day through" "Every little breeze Seems to whisper "Louise"" "Birds in the trees Seem to twitter "Louise"" "Each little rose Tells me it knows" "I love you, love you" "Every little beat That I feel in my heart" " I think I'll get down now." " Seems to repeat" "What I felt at the start Each little sigh" "Tells me that I adore you" " Louise" " My name's Sam." "Just to see and hear you Brings joy I never knew" "I think it fits." "But to be so near you Thrills me through and through" "Anyone can see Why I wanted your kiss" "It had to be But the wonder is this" "Can it be true, someone like you Could love me...?" " No." " Sam" "You see, I've got a problem." "Yes, you have." "But I'm sure..." "I'm sure there is someone, somewhere, who is waiting to tell you:" "If the nightingales Could sing like you" "They'd sing much sweeter Than they do" "For you brought A new kind of love to me." "Quand je vous regarde avec ferveur" "J'en éprouve tant de douceur" "For you've brought A new kind of love to me" "Je ressens près de vous Tant d'émoi" "Que je n'suis plus maître de moi Je sais tout nous sépare" "Et pourtant je pense à vous Tout le temps" "I would work and slave The whole day through" "If I could hurry home to you" "Oh, you've brought A new kind of love to me" "Thanks." "Le chapeau, s'il vous plait." "If you will put on this hat, Mademoiselle Sam, and if you will place your problem in the hands of St. Catherine, and if you will, in short, open your heart," "I'm sure that you will find here, in Paris, someone who will change your mind about love." "Because in Paris:" "Every bird has a mate Every poodle has a date" "In the park in Paree in the spring" "Every duck, every fish Seems to get his every wish" "In the park in Paree in the spring" "Each lover and his love discover" "Nature is a wonderful thing" "And they all want to be in the park In Paree in the spring" "Come on!" "There's a policeman." "You know, I've never kissed a policeman in my whole life." "No wonder I'm emotionally retarded." "A votre service, mais je vous en prie." "Oh, that's a good idea." "Let's get a policeman for Lina too." "I don't want any." "Let's put this kid on a leash." "She's never been looped before." "You know, I'll bet there are a lot of semi-maidens in this group." " You bet." " And a lot of semi-semi-maidens." "And semi-semi-semi-maidens." "In fact, I'll bet there are a lot of girls with no control at all." " Welcome to the club." " Come on." "What you gonna do with that?" "Launch the Eiffel Tower?" "I'm gonna help those girls refuel, get myself a story and a book full of telephone numbers." "Hey, you can't go out there." "It's a rule." "Except for the cops, only girls over 25 are allowed in the parade." " And they have to be maidens." " I'll fake it." "Champagne." "Champagne." "What's the matter?" "What?" "Champagne." "Give me back my bottle." "No, you don't understand." "I represent the CIA." "No, I'm a maiden too." "Are you hurt?" "I'm confused." "I didn't know the Green Bay Packers were in town." "You put up a good fight." "I'm proud of you." "Say, haven't I seen you someplace before?" " I don't know." " Oh, yes, on the plane." "Come on, I'll buy you a drink." "Et maintenant, mesdames et messieurs." "Après les messes au Madeleine et Notre-Dame de Bonne Nouvelle," " les Catherinettes marchent..." " I can't look at them any more." "All these middle-aged girls looking for husbands." "I might as well be in Miami Beach." "Jake." "Nous voulons le businessman's lunch." "And be sure the corned beef is lean." "Un moment, s'il vous plait." "My feet are killing me." " Merci." " Corned beef." "I might've known when you said this was your favorite French restaurant." "De gustibus non disputandum est, as us fellas say in Latin." "That's what I was trying to say is wrong with your column." "This kind of language." "Whatever it is." "Everybody's entitled to an opinion." "You're buying the drinks." "I was reading it this morning in the Paris Daily American." "Here it is." "By Steve Sherman." ""Our president is making another experiment in futility by attempting to convince our transigent French ally that intransigence itself is militarily self-hallucinatory."" "To me it makes sense." "Listen." "Who needs you to tell us how to run our government?" "Believe me, our government's in good hands." "Huntley and Brinkley." "You know something?" "Joe Bergner, of J. Bergner, Incorporated, Fifth Avenue, you ain't telling me anything that I hadn't already figured out." " You are absolutely right." " Of course I'm right." "I am no H.L. Mencken." "Got through college because I could kick a football a mile." "Graduated "magna cum lager." Who am I fooling?" "Not J. Bergner, Incorporated." "Dresses I know." "Dresses I sell." "You're a football player." "Write about football." "Or that." "You know, that's something I'm equipped to handle." "Sex." ""They paraded through the streets of Paris, the unwed maidens in search of husbands." "The city quivered with unfulfilled desire." "And as night fell on this capital of love, almost every girl had been..." Continued tomorrow." "It'll sell papers." "Look, the girls are gonna see St. Catherine now." "I'll tell you one thing:" "Any saint wants to get me married will have to get up very early in the morning." "I'm with you." "Here's to the bachelors of the world." "May our tribe increase." " How?" " Automation." "Look." "They're off and running." "All right, it's true." "I'm just like all the rest." "More than anything in the world, I want a husband." "Please help me." "My dear child." "Why does everyone come to me?" "There must have been some mistake." "I led a very sheltered life." "I know nothing of men." "Samantha, you're a very sensible girl, but you've got too much imagination for your own good and too much champagne." "I think you'd better get out of here." "Samantha Blake." "I will never get drunk again." "I will never get drunk again." "I will never get drunk again." "What do you want more than anything in the world?" "More than anything in the whole world I would like for people to stop calling me Sam." "Then why do you not take off those awful dark glasses and comb your hair?" "Please." "Tell me:" "What's the matter with me?" " How much time do we have?" " Just keep it down to the essentials." "You must learn to face the truth, Samantha." "You must be ready to change your innermost self." "Where can I do that?" "At Elizabeth Arden's." "7 Place Vendome." "You know it very well." "You've passed by six times already, debating whether you should go in." " You ask my advice, Samantha?" " Yes." "Go in." "Go in and stay all day." "I hope that'll be enough." "I hope so too." "Goodbye, Samantha." "And tell the girls to stop coming here." "I'm sure they have the wrong saint." "I don't think so." "I know you're just my imagination, but thanks anyway." "Samantha approached her first beauty parlor with all the eager willingness of a soldier facing a firing squad." "Should she?" "Shouldn't she?" "Could they?" "Couldn't they?" "And if they couldn't, were they liable to ruin what she already had, if they could find it?" "It was a momentous decision." "Once on the attack, Samantha charged through every salon in Paris, trying every treatment the French ever thought of." "Well, almost every treatment." "Harder." "Harder." "Harder." "No one would ever direct her to the men's room again." "Bonjour, mademoiselle." "Bonjour." "Oh, pardon." "S'il vous plait." "Je veux un whisky, tout de suite." "I have to get to a soccer game." " Certainement." " Le football." " Voilà, monsieur." " Grazie." "Monsieur." "Are you interested in the purchase of some unusual photographs?" "Not of the Eiffel Tower." " Monsieur, your whiskey." " Merci infiniment." "Merci." "I'm sorry, monsieur." "Obviously you are interested in something a little more of the realistic school." "Will you go away?" "I come from a long line of hermits." "Eh bien, Monsieur le Hermite, look about you." "All over the Champs-Elysées at this hour, you will find some of the most beautiful women in the world." "You have seen, perhaps, their picture in the magazines." "On the arm of an Egyptian king." "A Greek ship owner." "An American cinema producer." "These are women, cold, superior, sophisticated, perfect." "Their jewels are authentic." "Their clothes are authentic." "Indeed, they are authentic all over." "Do you mean to say that all this lovely smorgasbord" " is on the menu?" " No, no, of course not." "Only the most beautiful, the most impossible, in your opinion." "Believe me, I know them all." "I wonder." "A column about this kind of sport." "It ain't football, but everybody wants to make the team." "Do you think you could fix it up so I could talk to one of these broads?" " Talk, monsieur?" " Yeah." "Like that lovely, innocent-looking blond sitting over there." " Is she possibly...?" " An old friend." "Of mine, and the crown prince of Denmark." "No kidding." "She doesn't quite look like..." "That is why I doubt if you could afford an introduction." "What do you mean?" "I just wanna talk to her." "She's an expensive listener, monsieur." "One of the most expensive." "Why not?" "This is business and I'm still on an expense account." "Eh bien." "I will speak with her about you." "Perhaps she is already occupied." "Perhaps she does not care for your appearance." "Also, perhaps she does not wish to be regarded as a game of football." " But I'll do my best." " Fight on for USC." "Bonjour, mademoiselle." "Bonjour." " Oh, you are American." " Oh, I went to Berlitz." "Then perhaps you will have a feeling of kindness and understanding for mon cher ami." "He is American also." "Kindness?" "Two years, mademoiselle, in a prison hospital in Algiers." "Wounded." " Solitary confinement." " Oh, no." "Unable to be moved." "Months after hostilities ceased, it was impossible to secure his release." "How terrible." "He was my capitaine in the legion." "He has asked me if perhaps he might come and speak with you." "Why didn't he come and ask me himself?" "Oh, mademoiselle." "You are not familiar with war or imprisonment." " No." " His mind isn't where it should be." "He is shy, uncertain." "All this seems strange and terrible to him." "These crowds, this traffic." "And after so long, these women." "Yeah, he must be terrified." "He has undergone much suffering, even torture." "If you would look at him, give him confidence, smile at him, it would mean so much." "You don't know what you have done for France and America." "Everything is arranged." "It was a little difficult about the talking only, but she is used to the bizarre." "I'm sure of it." "Well, listen, thanks a lot." "One thousand new francs, monsieur, for two hours." "What?" "That's $100 an hour." "The president of the United States doesn't make that." "May I point out that they are not in the same line of work?" "You will give me the money now." " The crown prince of Denmark?" " Among others." " You sure?" " Of course." "I have even heard her mention..." " A very high official in the government." " Who?" "Who else?" "There may be a bigger article in this than I thought." " Maybe a magazine piece." " Possibly a novel." "Please, we better step over here so we do not cause her embarrassment." "She's very sensitive." "She must be." "Well, the price was pretty stiff, but thanks a lot." "Don't mention it." "To anybody." "Well, hello, hello." "How's business?" "Well, you do speak English, don't you?" "I forgot to ask your sales manager." "Honey, if you only speak French, the deal is off." "I..." "A hundred dollars an hour, I can't afford an interpreter." "Parlez-vous anglais, parce que si vous non parle..." "Oh, oui, monsieur." "Oui, I speak English very well." "You'd be surprised." "Oh, I am." "I am, indeed." "It's amazing." "Must be that innocent look of yours that put you in the top income bracket." " Innocent?" " Oh, come on, now." "I used to play football with a left guard like that." "He was one of the mildest, nicest guys in the world until the ball was snapped, then, bam." "Two of the biggest guys in the opposition would be flat on their tails." "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to talk shop." "Monsieur, let me understand." "You have paid my, what do you call him, my manager 100 dollars an hour for me?" "Yep." "Two solid hours." "And I plan to use every minute of it." "Monsieur, I think there has been a terrible error." "Oh, no." "What's the matter?" "Are you sore because we're just gonna sit and talk?" " Talk?" " Yeah, I thought he explained it to you." "Oh, monsieur has been injured in this football?" "I don't think so." "Come on, sit down." "I'm just a newspaper man looking for a good story, and the name is Steve." "Yours?" " Mimi." " Well, of course." " "That funny-looking, round-heeled..."" " No, no, no." ""That funny, little, good-for-nothing Mimi."" "You got into this business because the man you love betrayed you." "No, monsieur." "I just like it." "Mimi, we're gonna get along very well." "But that accent, now, what is that?" " What does it sound like?" " Oh, I don't know." "Hungarian, Romanian." "Flatbush Avenue." "Perhaps someday I shall tell you." "Just wait." "Holy..." "I'm late." "I didn't know we were gonna have this little conversation, so I made arrangements to cover this game." "We can continue our talk there." " Come on." " Monsieur..." "Look, Madame Bovary, I'm late." "I don't want any arguments." "Come on." "You still owe me an hour and 50 minutes." "Let's keep the meter running." "Taxi." "Come on, baby, we're in a hurry." "On the way in to the stadium, Mimi told me how she'd gotten into her present interesting occupation." "Since she was a little girl, she said, she always wanted to be just like mama." "And another thing, how did you happen to meet the crown prince?" " Who?" " Now, don't play it coy." " You know, the crown prince." " Which one?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, at a party, of course." "You meet such interesting people at parties in Paris, don't you think?" "Oh, look at the football." "Oh, bravo." "Merveilleux." "Never mind about the game." "I wanna hear some more about that party." "What?" "Oh, yes." "Well," "I have been to many strange ones, monsieur, but this one..." "Have you seen the cinema, La Dolce Vita?" "Twice." "Well, this one, it was not like that at all." "You see, the prince and I, we were to picnic alone in the meadow near his chateau." "But when we arrived there, to my surprise, there are many of his friends, men, who wished to join us." " What was for lunch?" " Well, not what I expected." "You see, at the time," "I had un toussé, a cough." "So, of course, I insist to go back to the chateau." "But they would not let me." "They start to run after me." "Especially the prince." "Because to him, you see, it's just a game." "So..." "As I listened, I got a crazy idea for a column." "Mimi's amorous adventures, transferred to the soccer field." "What a crowd that would draw." "Somewhere, I somehow found the strength to stop his madness." "Again and again, and again and again." "Then, monsieur, there in the meadow, everything went black." "Well, better luck next time." "I don't believe a word you've told me, but it's gonna make a hell of a column." ""Game Time in the Meadow" or "Mimi Makes All-American."" "Monsieur, I assure you that everything I've told you is absolutely true." "Can I drop you off at your hotel, or wherever it is you stay?" "No, no, no, no." "It really isn't necessary." "You see, it's very late, and I have to go to another engagement." " In the afternoon?" " It's an elderly gentleman." "Oh, is it the one your sales manager told me about, in the government?" "It's not for me to say." "If you're telling the truth, I'll drop you off there." " If you wish." " That accent, French-Canadian." " I used to room with a hockey player." " Oh, so did I." "No, wait a minute." "Another thing, nobody's called Mimi anymore." "What do your friends really call you?" "Sam." "On the ride from the stadium," "Mimi told me all about another intimate friend." "Fidel who?" "Well, of course, darling, he was only a student then." "Thank you." "You know, I'd like talk to you some more, but I've got a problem:" "I can't afford your prices." "You couldn't see your way clear to a little discount operation?" "Oh, perhaps." "I don't expect you to give away green stamps." "Are you sure that thing is dead?" "Oh, darling, I find you so amusing." "You're delightful." " Is that gonna cost me more or less?" " Oh, no, no, no." "I am very well taken care of, as you can see." "I don't want to take more of your money." "Yeah, I know, but if the column goes over," "I might need a couple hours of your time every day for two weeks." "It's nothing." "You shall be..." "How do you call it in America?" "My charity case." "Doesn't that make you feel a little like the Salvation Army?" "Only a little." "Well, here you are, back to the salt mines." "Better not keep your friend waiting." "I hear he's the impatient type." "Are you going in, or do you have to go around back, like the groceries?" "Oh, no, no, no." "I am going in." "Hello, Jacques." "A demain, darling." "Till tomorrow." "Sure." "Be good." "Sorry." "Goodbye, darling." "Don't shoot, s'il vous plait." "I'm going." "Taxi." "Taxi." "It was something Mimi might regret in later years." "She never got a chance to play the palace." "I don't know why I did it." "First, I was angry with him, and then when he didn't recognize me, it was a silly game with a silly accent." "I was getting even." "But then, when he fell for it, when he actually thought I was one, that's such an insult." "That's one thing any man will believe about any woman, any time, anyplace, anywhere." "And let's keep it like that." "It's the best thing we have on them outside of community property." "I suppose I overdid it as far as the makeup was concerned," " but I'd never realized men would..." " I got a whiff of that perfume." "Don't put it on any stronger, or the moose'll be coming out of the swamps." "I suppose I should've told him the truth right away, but now he's gonna hate me for making a fool out of him." "Well, that's no problem." "You're never gonna see him again, are you?" "Here's a man that's insulted you in every possible way." "First, he thinks you're a boy." "Next, he thinks you're a..." ""Filly de joy"?" "I don't I know if I pronounced it right, but that's the way they spell in the Ladies' Home Journal." "So why would you wanna meet him again?" "I haven't the vaguest idea." "And if I don't see him tomorrow, I'm gonna slit my throat." "Oh, Lina, what's the matter with me?" "Nothing, baby." "You just defrosted too fast, and your knees have melted." ""Mimi came out for the second half, with the score nothing-nothing, determined to protect her goal line against the prince and his team." "Although the playing field was growing slippery, she managed to keep her feet, which, as we all know, is half the battle in any sport." "But just before the whistle blew, she tripped." "And there went the old ball game."" "Oh, you'll have to write more like this one." " You'll either get rich or arrested." " Eat your French dip pastrami." "You know, sometimes I think there's more good in a dame like that..." "Open, no beating around the bush..." "Than a dozen blushing debutantes whose fathers see that they wind up with the highest bidder." "The next day saw the start of one of those cross-country bicycle races the Europeans love." "I made another date with Mimi and we covered it together from the press car, right through the heart of the city of Paris." "It was a beautiful day for a race, but I didn't spend much time admiring the scenery or the racers." "My charming companion was telling me the story of her life." "It made Cleopatra sound like Mother Machree." "As we rounded the turn into the Bois de Boulogne," "Mimi was telling me about an adventure she had once with a foreign millionaire." "On a bicycle." "It seems she'd had adventures on almost everything except a pogo stick." "Her sense of balance, apparently, was phenomenal." "As I listened, I could see my next column writing itself." "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Only a few more houses to cover, and then it'll be all over." "Somehow, I wish it could just go on." "Somehow, I wish you were paying the hotel bills." "Sam, a pencil." "So where's the pencils today?" "They stopped growing out of her head." "Maybe they'll bloom in the spring." "Here you are." "Haven't you noticed that Samantha has changed lately?" "I am sure you're in love." "Isn't it true?" " I don't know." " That's the worst kind." "It usually is fatal." "But I approve of your hair, and I approve of your dress." "I approve of yours." "That's a real snappy number you got on." " Thanks." " I feel a plate of onion soup coming on." "So there's prohibition in this country against onion soup?" "Help me pick out a tie, and we'll go to that little place with the sausages..." "Oh, no." "Tonight, I take you to a lovely little restaurant called Tour d'Argent." "And after that, a charming night club, Elephant Blanc, and after that..." "Can you imagine Bergner in the Tour d'Argent?" "She'll slip something in his pumpernickel." "Are you doing any better, Miss False Eyelashes?" "No, I'm running out of stories to tell him." "I've been through Camille five times, once backwards, and I'm coughed out." "I need some new material." "Why don't you ask Felicienne." "I have an idea she wrote the training manual." "Lina." "I'm sorry." "About Joe, I mean." "You just take care of yourself with that reporter fellow." "You know, it only takes one editor to put a whole newspaper to bed." "Darling." " You coming with us tonight?" " No, but thank you." "But, Felicienne, perhaps you could help me with something." "Why, of course, I'd be delighted." "Do you have any friends who might have had some adventures of a particularly unusual nature with men?" "Oh, darling, this is Paris." "I don't have any friends who have not." "Do you remember any particularly memorable?" "I see we're going to have a girls' talk." "You're in love with a Frenchman, and you want me to tell you how to proceed." "Well, it's not exactly one individual." "It's more like I'm syndicated." "Well, congratulations." "Well I had a rather interesting evening with the Comte de Bauvay." " Do you know him?" " I've heard the name." "We had a flaming affair, Sizi and I." " Sizi?" " Yes." "He was madly in love with me." "Now, then, let me see, how did it begin?" "Oh, yes, it was raining, of course." "It's always raining." "And his wife, the countess, was away, but then she's always away." "And he asked me if I would like to take a bath in champagne with him, so how could I say no?" "And it's so much easier to say yes." "So I arrived at midnight, and the Comte de Bauvay..." " Sizi, he is called by his friends." " Of whom you are the friendliest." "Oh, yes." "Well, possibly." "At any rate, the Comte de Bauvay, he took me in his arms and he says," ""Darling, the countess has gone to Biarritz." "Have you ever had a bath in champagne?"" "And what did you say, "What'll we use for a chaser?"" "Oh, mais non." "No, darling." "I said..." "Look out!" "It is necessary to drive so quickly?" "Well, they asked me to road-test this beast." "Are you all right?" "I think so, yes." "Let me see." " Am I bleeding?" " Here." "I'm sorry." "I really am." "I'm like a kid with a hot rod." "Wonder where I was when brains were being passed out." "Probably trying to put a Chrysler engine in a Model T Ford." "It won't fit." "That motor you're talking about." "It won't fit in a Model T. It's too big." "What?" "My brother used to have a garage in Harrisburg." "Harrisburg?" "Harrisbourg." "In Brittany." " Do you know Brittany?" " No." "Harrisbourg." "That's where I was when the brains were being passed out." " And do you knew where I was?" " No, where?" "Taking a bath in champagne." " You sure you're okay?" " I'm fine." " You're a nut." " Am I?" " What's the matter?" " I'm not that much of a charity case." "When I need the Salvation Army, I'll call." " But, Steve..." " How stupid do you think I am?" ""Harrisbourg," yet." "That accent." "You're a liar and a phony, like all of your kind." " Come on, turn over, will you, baby." " What?" "The car." "I played along because I needed a story from you, and that's all I needed." "Why don't you save that tender loving care for the cash customers." "Steve, Steve, I wanna tell you the truth." "I've been meaning to all along." "I know, you're putting your sick old mother through reform school." "Please, I'm not what you think, not at all." "I've never known one who was, darling." "Oh, you've known quite a few?" "I've got a bathtub too." "Hit a tree, hit a tree, hit a tree!" "I took a cold shower and threw myself back into my work." "Those same old beautiful dresses, day after day." "I couldn't even get up enough enthusiasm to steal anything." "Chapeau de paille marine et rouge." "Navy wool suit, red blouse." "Navy and red straw hat." "Isn't it charming?" "It's so large, it's beyond being in bad taste." "I already gave my thanks to St. Catherine." "She deserves it." " She got you a fiancée and a jeweler." " It's lovely." "Joe, the darling, gave it to me last night, while we were having onion soup, of all things." "For a minute, she thought it was a crouton." "Diamant noir." "Robe de crêpe noir." "Chapeau de crin noir." "Black crepe gown." "Black horsehair hat." "Congratulations, I hope you'll be very happy." "A man reaches a time in life he's got a right to be foolish." "Besides, think of all the fun I'll have teaching her to play pinochle." "Darling, darling, I hope you don't mind, but I told our publicity office to put a little something in the papers about our engagement." "Tell her to look under science fiction." "Concerto." "Robe de gazar vert." "Green gazar gown." "My affair with the Comte de Bauvay." "Every detail." " And it's told as a hockey game." " What?" ""Before facing off, both sides warmed up in a tub full of champagne." " It broke the ice."" " It's just a joke..." "A joke for all my friends to read in the newspapers." "Everybody knew about it." "Everyone has these little affairs, these..." "These projets d'amour." "You mean this is true?" "You and this count fellow?" "Oh, darling, darling, this is Paris." "Every woman amuses herself." "It doesn't mean anything." "It's like having your hair done." "But this is too outrageous." "You've simply got to do something about it." "That's what I was thinking." "I think I'll go out right now and buy a subscription." "If they'll sell one to a stupid old schlemiel." "Sam, get our tickets back to the States for tomorrow." "We've bought everything we need." "And a couple we didn't." "Empire gown in violet..." " Thank you." " When she gets her motor running, she can't turn it off." "I've had it." "With her, with the column, with the whole newspaper business." "I owe International Press..." "Would you get that?" "I owe International Press one more piece." " Allo." " Wanna get into something legitimate." "Something with a future, like making slugs for pay television." " Oh, Monsieur Sherman est ici." " Who is it?" "It's the boss, Chalmers, calling from Los Angeles." "Is the call paid for?" "You ask him." "Is this call paid for?" "All right." "Hello, Bertram." "Bertram, his first name." "You're damn right I took it seriously when you fired me." "Wrong attitude, wrong attitude, Steve." "You got it wrong." "They weren't good columns." "They were great columns." "Right attitude." "And there's a lot more where those came from." "Yeah, she's quite a girl." "You better put her picture back up." "Just get one thing straight." "I ain't interested in any lousy $200 raise." "You wanna know what you can do with your job..." "Please, Steve." "Even if he wants to know," " I don't wanna know." " What?" "How much?" " Well, that's a little more like it." " How much?" " Reprint rights?" " How much?" "Transportation back to New York?" "First class." "Bertram, you are the salt of the earth." "They don't make them like you anymore." "When they made you, they broke the mold." "Good thing too." "Neat." "Yeah." "Well, thank you, dear employer, and good night." " How much?" " Come on." "Grab your coat." "We're gonna paint the town, buy the Eiffel Tower." " All right." " Your chapeau, garçon." " Merci." " My jacket, garçon." " Mais oui." " My coat, garçon." " Oui, mais." " Your cape, mon capitaine." "Mon général." "I'm ticklish." "And now the meeting will adjourn to the nearest saloon." "Aspirin?" "Set them up for everybody!" "Labor has triumphed over capital." "The revolution, mon capitaine, is successful." "And once more the guillotine is busy in the Place de la Concorde, chopping the rear fenders from the Cadillacs." " A boire pour tout le monde." " I'll have a Dr. Pepper." "Bourbon." "Bergner, come on, join the party." "I got my job back." "Heading back for New York tomorrow." "They might have a parade for me from the unemployment agency." " Hurrah." " Well, what's the matter with you?" "Nothing, I just realized it's taken me 50 years to become a schnook." " My brother-in-law made it in 20." " You've been working too hard." "Nobody's got a right to be miserable in Paris." "I'm an American." "I got a right to be miserable any place in the world." "I know what you need." "A little female companionship to cheer you up." " Oh, no, no, no." " No, I know this girl." "She's one of the best cheerleaders in town." "Female companionship is how I got this way." "Well, not this type, it's sure-fire." "Besides, I owe you a favor for helping me out with the column, and I owe her a replacement." "Here, keep buying till this runs out." "I'm a big tipper." " I'll be back." " Big tipper." " Come on." " Dr. Pepper for everybody." "Merci beaucoup, mon ami." "J'aime pas le Dr. Pepper." "Well, hello, hello." "Hello." "I dropped an olive on the floor." "How are you?" "Oh, nice to meet you." "This isn't happening to me." "Please, Mr. Bergner, don't give me away." "And I was going to apologize for getting mad and tell him the whole truth tonight, no matter what." "He's actually introducing me to a friend, passing me around like I was a box of 15-cent cigars." "Sam, Sam." "What's going on?" "What's been going on every night?" "A nice New York girl like you entertaining out-of-town buyers, in somebody else's hair." "Bergner, keep your big mouth shut till you find out what's what." "Why should I feel so upset?" "She must have done this a dozen times before." "Dozen?" "A hundred, 500." "She probably has one of those counting machines you hold like an usher counting the audience." "Click-click, click-click, click-click." "Just so she can keep her books straight." "And now they're going to his hotel." "All right, Joe Bergner." "Maybe you'll get along fine, even at your age." "Well, why not?" "You're rich enough to be absolutely lovable." "Oh, why did I ever do a crazy thing like this?" "They like each other." "Click-click, click-click, click-click, click-click." "Well, anyway, that's the last I'll see of her." "Phony accent, phony hair, phony name." "Going to a hotel with a guy she's fallen in love with in a minute and a half." "Well, so let her." "Why should that bother me at all?" "I don't know." "It doesn't bother me." "See, the big problem is, in spite of everything, I'm..." "In spite of everything, I'm just a country boy." "You know what I did last Sunday?" "I went to church." "It wasn't bad at all, Harry." "It might just catch on." "Could become a habit." "You think a girl like that ever's been inside a church?" "You think she's got a family?" "Think she knows the meaning of the word "shame"?" "I hope not." "Oh, you mean your girl." "Not my girl." "Apparently, she's everybody's girl." "Ought to be just my type, I suppose, but something about her bugs me." "I keep worrying about her." "I keep wondering what she's doing." "Like I keep wondering what she's doing right now." "I loathe him." "I despise him." "I hate him." "But I want him." "What do you think would happen if I went to him right now and I told him the truth, the whole truth?" " He's a man." "He'll understand." " Then he'd strangle you." "No, baby, one thing a fella doesn't want from a girl is surprises." "Forty percent of all divorces start on the honeymoon night." "Get out of there." "What am I gonna do?" "I can't go on like this, with him going around drumming up trade for me like I was a nationally advertised product." "Oh, Lina, I love him, the dirty louse." "Suppose you went to him for help." "What do you mean, for help?" "Meeting a fine man like him, so fine, so honest, so understanding." "You're a little bit ashamed." "Oh, and I'm gonna change my whole way of life for him." "If he'd only help you to reform a little." "I'd give it all up." " And I'd go to church." " Yeah." " I'd go to the PTA meeting." " Yeah." " I'd knit." " Knitting, nobody believes anymore." "Who asked you, Beatrice Fairfax?" "Come on, fix your face" " and go look for him." "Worth a try." " Wait a minute." "Forgot your hair." " Don't throw it..." " Strike one." "Come on." "Look pretty and think positive." "I'm trying." " Come on." " Poor kid." "It's like after all these years finding out you got a daughter." "Mr. Bergner, you have just received my resignation." "Resig...?" "Why, what did I do?" "For 15 years, nothing." " And now all of a sudden, Romeo." " Romeo?" "From Union Square." "First it's that Hungarian French poodle." " That's over with long ago." " Sure." " If I could only get back the ring." " And now look what happened." "You ask a friend to introduce you to some girl." " He asked me just to cheer me up." " Yes." "Anyway, it turned out to be Sam." "And suppose he'd introduced you to some real tramp?" "To her you wouldn't have been a father." "So, what am I supposed to do, lay down and die of shame?" "Shoot me." "I'm not so old that a pretty face don't make me feel good." " A pretty face." " It's a terrible thing to be lonely." "To be alone." "In New York it was bad enough." "But in Paris..." "You wouldn't understand." " I wouldn't, huh?" " No, you wouldn't." "Last week I went for a carriage ride in the park." "Just me and an old horse driver." "I didn't even know what he was saying." "He spoke only French." "But in that half-hour he looked at me more than you have in the 15 years I've been working for you." "Even his horse looked at me more." "So don't give me lonely." "So now you've quit your job." "How are you planning to make a living?" "Maybe I'll borrow Sam's wig and go into business for myself." "Some old schlemiel like you might come along who's forgot his glasses." "You wouldn't maybe be interested in some onion soup?" "Well, Mr. Bergner..." "Get yourself dolled up." "We'll go to that place where the frankfurters hang from the ceiling." "Voilà, madame." "Is Mr. Joe Bergner in?" "I believe so, monsieur." "Did that old goat just go upstairs with a young lady?" "A young, beautiful lady?" "A young lady young enough to be his own child?" "I can only say, monsieur, I am looking forward to my own future with renewed confidence." "Monsieur." " Where is she?" " Who?" " Lolita." " Oh, she's in the bedroom, but..." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." " Why don't you get yourself a hobby." " I play golf." "Steve?" "Now, Steve..." "Out." "But you don't understand." "I'm gonna change my whole way of life." "There's one hope for you." "You're coming with me." " What for?" " Since when has that mattered to you?" "Now, wait a minute." " If you'd just listen." " I have listened enough." "Did you have an enjoyable evening?" "Shut up." "Goodbye, Lina." " What's going on?" " Nothing." "He's just taking her out someplace to strangle her." "Come on, let's hurry up." "The Cathedral of the Sacré Coeur has received many sinners over the centuries." "But none quite like the scarlet lady in the red convertible." "Somebody's gotta help her, Father, and I know I'm not qualified." "I just have the feeling that in spite of the life she leads that somehow, somewhere, there's a spark of decency left in her." "They told me you've talked to dozens of girls here in Montmartre and you've never failed yet." "My child, why don't you..." "Mon dieu." "I don't think she wants to be saved." "No, she likes it." "The next time you're in New York, call El Dorado 5-3598." "That's Alcoholics Anonymous." "You need help." "Yes, sir." "We met her on our way home from onion soup." "She was crying her eyes out." "Her whole life is ruined." "I gave her the same advice her mother would have given her." " Like what?" " I told her to go out and get drunk." " Why not?" " Are you in love with her?" "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about I don't want her hanging around 15 years waiting for you to get to be an old schlemiel." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Tomorrow she's leaving the country." "If you're not in love with her, you must be an awful stupid jerk, falling for those cock-and-bull stories she's been feeding you." " You can say that again." " Camille, yet." "She must be a stupid girl for letting me believe it." "Why not tell the truth?" " What would you have done?" " I'd have strangled her." " See, I told you." " Are you in love with her?" "She's taken a perfectly normal human being..." "A bachelor, a happy man in the prime of life, all womanhood spread out in front of him like a buffet lunch." "Cut him down to nothing." "What a masquerade that shouldn't have fooled a nearsighted baboon at mating time." "Answer the question." " You wanna hear it?" " Yes." "All right, yes." "Yes." "It must be a new kind of love." "Ought to bottle it and sell it for Instant Stupid." "I couldn't even see through her mascara." "What am I gonna write home, huh?" ""I want a girl, just like the girl that Daddy met in the men's room."" "This whole crazy sex business was designed to make men idiots." " And women mothers." " Don't knock it." "Unless you've got something better." "Yeah, well, I guess you get right down to it, there isn't anything better." "But before I admit it to her, I'll pull her through the ringer." "Crawling to me with her tail between her legs, whining for forgiveness." "And if she doesn't, what are you gonna do to her?" "I'm gonna give..." "I'll..." "Yeah?" "What?" "I'll come up with something." "Well, hello, Mimi, baby." "I didn't know whether you'd be here at the old roost tonight or not." "Why, every night I'm at this cafe waiting for whatever life has in store." "And you have the busiest store in town." " Mais naturellement." " Excuse me." "You know, I'm really sorry." "I came to apologize." "I should have realized that there isn't anything you wanna confess." " Is there?" " Nothing." "I mean, you like your work." "You enjoy what you do." "Right?" "There is always great satisfaction in anything that is done well." "What a crashing bore that must have been for you, all those wasted hours of conversation." "Yes." "When we could have been so gay." "Well, I'm leaving tomorrow." "I have taken the position over the years never to pay for anything that eventually might be given away free, gratis, for nothing." "So I hope you take this as a very high compliment." "I would like to say goodbye to you, tonight, properly, in my apartment." " So naturally..." " Oh, no." "No, no, no." "Why not?" "Afterwards, darling." "It is so much more chic." " Shall we go?" " What?" "Where?" "To your apartment, of course." "Where else?" " What do you mean, my apartment?" " Come, come, come, come." "Let us run like little rabbits." "Say when." "When." "Bon voyage." "Wouldn't you like to slip into something a little more comfy?" "Mais naturellement." "The bathroom's up there." "Merci." "Any problems?" "No." "Joe Bergner, please." "Hello, Joe?" "She is just on the verge of crawling to me." "Yeah." "She locked herself in the bathroom." "She's locked herself in the bathroom." "She's gotta come out sometime." "The plane leaves in 14 hours." "The game's over." "There's nothing she can do now except come out of there, whimpering like a wounded chicken and confess the whole crazy thing." "Then I'll tell her I knew it all along and..." "Steve, darling." "There will be no further bulletins." "Hello, cheri." "Hello, Sam." "You think you fooled me for a minute?" "That's a laugh." "I knew all the time." "I just wanted to find out how far you'd go." "Now I found out." "Touchdown." "What are you doing up here in a man's room in the middle of the night, taking money for a thing like this?" "What kind of a girl are you?" "You don't understand." "You don't understand at all." " I wasn't really gonna do it." " What weren't you really gonna do?" "I wasn't gonna take any money." "That's even worse." "Maybe you really are Mimi." "I wasn't gonna do anything at all." "Oh, I hate women who cry." "Silly little female women who have headaches and everything." "I wanted to be so sophisticated about this." "I don't wanna spend the rest of my life being a semi-maiden." "Now, what the hell is that?" "It's worse than nothing at all." "It's like eating one peanut." "I'm sorry for fooling you." "I'm sorry for the whole thing." "But I'm sorriest for the fact that I don't have anything to be sorry for." "I'm a grown woman, and it's my last night in Paris, and damn it, damn it, I'm in love with you." "Oh, please don't cry, Sam." "Don't call me Sam!" "Oh, boy." "I'll never call you Sam again." "Did I ever tell you that I'm, damn it, in love too?" " No." " Well, I'm telling you." "I'm a lot newer at it than you are." "I've never even been semi in love before." "You're the first girl that I ever asked to be the mother of my children." "Oh, thank you." "I'll try my best." "So will I." "But before we do..." "What's that for?" "The license." "From now on, I'm your sales manager." "No." "No, it's not gonna work." "It's not gonna work because it's always gonna be a joke to you." "It's gonna be a soccer match or a football game." "You'll probably even write a column about our wedding night." "Samantha." "Charge!"