"# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Want a new beginning and a new address" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #" "There, weren't too difficult was it?" "No, sir, that's 'cause Rocky knows who's boss." "I've had them in the past, sir, real hooligans." "I remember one stamping his feet, head down he was, in a real old paddy." "And I thought, "Right boy, come on!" "I'll show you who's in charge."" "Were you there that day?" "Arr, I phoned for the ambulance." "I was in the village but I heard the screams." "Here, you could have been one of them there Spanish bullfighters." "Ah!" "I'd have liked that." "Except for them trousers." "Good God." "Earl, come on, boy." "I don't believe it." "He's only let that bull out." "What did you think he was going to do with it?" "I thought he was gonna keep it in that cupboard." "Mum, you can't keep a bull in there forever." "I know you've got to let it out, but he's got it in our front garden." "It's not our front garden, it's a field." "Call it what you like, it is at the front of our house." "This hobby of his is starting to get on my nerves." "No, I think it's more than an hobby." "He actually believes he's a farmer." "Yeah?" "Well, we'll see about that." "If he thinks I'm spending the rest of my life in Wellingtons and whistling The Archers theme, he's got another think coming." "And look at the Three Stooges there with him." "Yeah." "I like them." "Really?" "Well, yeah." "With them around, every day's like Halloween." "Good morning, ma'am." "Good morning, ma'am." "Good morning, ma'am." "You've got a good 'un there, sir." "Yes, ugly as hell and smells like a hippo's armpit, but a good one." "Elgin was talking about your missus." "Oh, I see." "I thought you meant the..." "Oh, no, no." "Yes, she's all right I suppose." "So, what's the next step?" "Cows." "That's when it gets interesting, sir." "Farmer Boyce, how much did you pay for him?" "Erm, I can't quite remember now." "Erm, Egon..." "Elgin, sir." "Elgin Sparrowhawk, farm manager." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "I'd like a word with you in private, if you don't mind." "Don't mind at all, sir." "Right, you two, get on with your work." "Right you are, sir." "Right you are, sir." "Oh." "Oh, I forgot you were coming in today, Mrs, er..." "Cakeworthy, ma'am." "Imelda Cakeworthy." "Yeah, I forgot you were starting cleaning for us today, Mrs Cakeworthy." "Have you been sitting here long?" "About two and half hours." "I haven't done any cleaning, cox the follies goes a thrum'n the sleekin or the clibs, innit?" "And we don't wan' that, do we?" "No." "So I waited your instructions." "Oh, I hope you don't mind, I made some coffee and I opened this tin of biscuits, which was very near its sell-by date, which is sad." "Yes, well." "I suppose you've noticed that this house needs a spring clean from top to bottom." "It's a terrible state, ma'am." "The old squire let it go to rack and ruin." "Stonkered." "I thought he had a cleaner." "Arr, me." "But the old squire, he didn't like the sound of Hoovers or washing machines." "He didn't like people moving around." "So, weren't a lot I could do." "And it was frustrating, 'cause I'm not your normal cleaner." "No, I've noticed." "I'm more of a hygiene engineer." "About 1 0 years ago, I used to be head cleaner at a big girls' school." "When I say "a big girls' school", I don't mean a school just for big girls." "You know, you got to be 5-1 1 and 1 4 stone or you've failed the interview." "Yon affeding o'dullerm fust perper." "Fern Britton." "No." "Now, what was I talking about?" "Nothing." "Now, look, this house, let's talk about getting it cleaned." "Ah, well, we'll leave it till tomorrow, shall we?" "'Cause I've finished now." "I shall be charging you overtime next." "Remember Mivvis?" "What?" "Those strawberry lollies, Mivvis." "Oh, yes." "They were lovely, weren't they?" "Yes." "So, what's up, sir?" "Shh!" "I'll hoover that tomorrow, sir." "There are some things in life, Elgin, that it is best a wife doesn't know." "Oh, I couldn't agree with you more, sir." "I ruined my marriage one day when I went and opened my mouth." "Yes, I can see how that could happen." "We haven't spoken for seven years, but she's happier now." "Well, that's understandable." "She smiles a lot and laughs." "I've looked through the window and caught her." "So, what's it you didn't want your wife to know, sir?" "Um, remind me, how much did I pay for that bull?" "Oh, let me look here, sir, see what we've got." "Here's the contract." "There we are, sir. £1 8,000, sir." "£1 8,000!" "Well, that's dearer than the Bee Gees' teeth!" "How did that happen?" "You told me that the previous owner, what's-his-face..." "Old Bill Garner." "You told me Bill Garner would sell for 1 5,000." "Ah, but you remember your business strategy, sir?" "You were gonna get him drunk." "And it worked, 'cause he was willing to sell at 9,000." "So, why'd I pay 1 8?" "You got drunker than him." "So I take it the price of the bull is something you don't want your wife to know?" "Correct." "So don't leave this contract lying about." "Ah, but would she understand all the farming and legal terminology?" "You don't know my wife." "She'd pick through that paperwork like Quincy with a kebab." "Leave it to me, sir." "There is one other thing I'd like you to clear up." "Yes, sir." "You were talking the other day about me becoming, what do you call it, a gentleman farmer." "I thought you seemed a bit confused about that, sir, so I found this old magazine in amongst my wife's psychiatric reports." "You see these fellas here leaning up against that old manor house?" "Now, they're gentleman farmers." "Yeah, but they look a bit...what's the word?" "Stupid." "That's the breeding, sir." "I don't think I'd fit in with that crowd." "Oh, you would, sir." "You'd be part of the county set." "You'd be gentry." "Would I, now?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Look what I bought in that village antique shop." "That's not an antique shop, master." "That's our electrical store." "Whatever." "It's one of them old video cameras." "It's not even digital, it's real video." "I thought, I'm going to film the creation of this farm." "I'll film every stage of its development until it's the best farm in the country." "Ah, that's nice, son." "It'll be a little masterpiece." "Do you want to film me, the farm manager, going about my farm manager business?" "No." "This could be my vocation in life." "I could go to Hollywood and do a remake of that jack Nicholson film Hells Angels." "But on skateboards." "He's a little hellhound, isn't he, sir?" "But I'm sure you wouldn't be without him." "No, I remember years ago, all those conversations with the adoption agency." "Oh, so he's..." "He's adopted, then?" "No, it was just an idea." "Aw." "Look at your herd." "It's just an animal, Marlene." "All this fuss about a man buying a bull." "I'll just collect my farm manager's briefcase, sir." "And how much did you pay for the bull?" "Eighteen..." "Hundred pounds." "1 800!" "You could have got a 42-inch plasma screen for that." "Is this a good time to discuss your herd of cows, sir?" "A herd of cows!" "God help us." "We're gonna have a herd of cows out there?" "At this rate, this farm's gonna be filled up with animals." "How am I supposed to be a farmer without animals?" "Mr..." "Sparrowhawk, ma'am, Elgin Sparrowhawk, farm manager." "Yes, Mr Sparrowhawk, my husband and I need to speak in private." "I understand, ma'am." "Oh, I see, you want me to go in the other..." "Oh!" "Right you are, gotcha." "Now, look, I know that you had to leave London rather quickly because the Driscoll brothers were annoyed at you." "No, Marlene, I had to escape from London like a rat with its arse on fire because the Driscoll brothers put out a contract on me!" "Well, that's what I meant." "But why did we have to come here?" "Why not abroad?" "Because the Driscoll brothers will never find us here." "Shropshire is a big county." "Spain is even bigger." "I mean, British people on the run go to Spain." "It's nice and traditional." "You seem to be forgetting that during their investigation into the Driscoll brothers' activities, the police impounded my passport." "Yeah, but you said you knew some people who could get forged passports." "Yes, the Driscoll brothers!" "Look, Marlene, this place is our future." "What a future." "We'll turn into yokels." "I can see us now, you, me and Tyler sitting round a little fire, eating a bowl of gruel and singing There's a Hole in my Bucket." "Well, it's better than sitting around singing There's a Hole in my Head." "Look, believe me, Marlene, there is money to be made in this business." "And like it or not, I am going to become a farmer." "And what will I be?" "You will be a farmer's wife." "Oh, and that's what you want, is it?" "Mmm." "Mmm-hmm." "All right, I will be a farmer's wife." "You just bloody watch me!" "She seems to be coming round to the idea, sir." "Oh, I bought you a little present in the village this morning." "It's just a coat to keep you warm 'cause you farmers are out there in all weathers." "Oh, oh, thank you." "Oh, and when you've got a minute, take that out to the bull." "Oh, yes, he'll like that." "Marlene, my little woodpecker, you have a cookery book in your hand and it's making me rather nervous." "I'm gonna cook something." "Oh, no." "No!" "You're joking." "I am a farmer's wife now and what do farmer's wives do?" "They cook." "They're always bloody cooking." "I've seen it on Emmerdale." "Marlene, we've survived for 30 years on microwave dinners and take-aways." "Please don't change our way of life." "Don't change our way of life?" "You have dragged me out of the splendour of a mock-Georgian detached house in Peckham and dumped me in this godforsaken lump of mud." "Do you realise there's not a Debenhams for 60 miles?" "What's happening?" "Your mother's gonna cook." "No, Mum, please don't." "I've made you dinners before." "They weren't dinners." "They were more like Bushtucker Trials." "Marlene, we are not going back to eating custard with a knife and fork!" "You wanted a farmer's wife, and you've got one." "And she is about to make a blackberry pie." "I'm not going to eat your cooking." "At least have some pity on our son." "He'll end up with a colon like Elvis." "Not only are you going to eat it, but when you've finished it, you are going to say, "That was lovely, Mummy."" "Right, go and get me some blackberries." "Well, where?" "Have a look out there." "You can't chuck a mobile phone out the window without hitting a blackberry." "There is a fence just over that field, and on the other side is nothing but blackberries." "It's like Blackberries R Us." "Yeah, but they're all stuck on bushes." "Couldn't I just go to the supermarket and get them fresh?" "just go, Boycie." "Well, how many do you want?" "1 4." "How the hell do I know how many I want?" "just fill the basket up." "And hurry up." "The Aga's reaching its temperature, as if anyone can tell." "I hate Agas." "Oh, look at him." "Yeah." "I bet he meets a wolf on the way." "God almighty, if my friends back in Peckham could see me now, sitting on my arse picking blackberries, putting them in this stupid little basket." "I wish I'd stayed in London and just let the Driscoll brothers shoot me." "just tell me one thing, boyo, you're not English, are you?" "No." "Well, you're certainly not Welsh, either." "(HESITANTLY) No." "So, what are you?" "I don't know." "Only a bloody Englishman could say something as stupid as that." "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm, uh, picking blackberries." "Wrong." "You're picking my blackberries." "This is my land." "Oh, sorry." "I didn't realise." "Do you know what country you're in?" "Well, everyone said it was England." "Wrong again." "This...is Wales." "Well, at least it used to be until the..." "the Romans came along and took it from us." "Gits." "Then your Queen bloody Boadi-bloody-cea started kicking up rough and then the Romans got fed up and left." "And who do you think took over then?" "No, go on." "The English." "Huh." "Would you credit it, eh?" "But as far as I'm concerned, this is still Wales." "Are you the new owner of Winterdown Farm?" "Yes." "Oh, nice to meet you." "Llewellyn ap Carodog." "Eh?" "That's my name." "Llewellyn ap Carodog." "You can keep those blackberries if you like, as a housewarming present." "Oh, thank you, I'll tell the wife." "Well?" "Off you go, then." "Hey, and don't let me catch you trespassing on my land again, 'cause next time I won't be half as friendly." "Right." "Nice to meet you." "Aye." "Missed." "Marlene!" "Marlene!" "I've just been down at that blackberry patch," "and this..." "Oh, no, I changed me mind." "I've defrosted a Sara Lee strawberry tart." "What's that I can smell defrosting?" "Oh, it's just some stuff you pour hot water on." "Oh, my God!" "What's happened?" "Nothing." "I just thought I'd dress for dinner." "Oh, hang on, I'll go and put me little Dolce  Gabbana number on." "Oh, no, no, no." "I was thinking we'd just sit and enjoy our evening together in a quiet and civilised way." "My dear." "Oh, thank you." "So, tell me, how has your day been?" "All right." "Oh, I overheard a couple of women talking in the village this morning." "Apparently, there's a pikey family moved into the area." "Really?" "Where?" "Didn't say." "Well, hmm." "We'll just avoid them." "We left all those sort of people behind when we moved here." "Because you see, Marlene, we have moved up the social scale." "Do you reckon?" "Oh, yes." "I mean, look at us, sitting here having a conversation, wine, candles... this." "You see, not only have we moved, Marlene, we have moved on." "And I am no ordinary farmer." "I know you're not." "You're a crap farmer." "No, I'm being horrible." "And after you've gone to all the trouble of getting dressed up as a waiter." "This is not a waiter's costume." "This is the attire of a gentleman." "For I am going to become a gentleman farmer." "A gentleman farmer?" "What's that when it's at home?" "Well, look at these, standing in front of that mansion." "They are gentleman farmers." "And I could become one of them." "But they look right prats." "Still, I see what you mean." "Marlene, I am almost gentry." "You, gentry?" "A man who eats onion-ring sandwiches?" "Yes, well, only in private." "I'd never do that in the Guildhall, would I?" "No, Marlene, my little Chelsea bun, we are fast-tracking our way to the county set." "You won't be a farmer's wife for long." "You will be a gentleman farmer's lady." "Imagine it." "Stately homes, ballgowns, plenty of bling." "I mean we've got the land, and ever since we sold our house and my business, we're loaded, so now's our chance to move up the ladder." "Yeah, but do you think we'd fit in with that lot?" "Course we would." "We've always had a God-given sophistication." "You were the first woman to drive an Alfa Romeo convertible down Peckham High Street." "Yeah, I remember." "Everyone was looking, pointing, it was lovely..." "Till that skinhead went and spoilt things." "Marlene, nobody is going to throw a lump of cod at you at the prom." "Yeah, you're right." "We're as good as them." "Yeah, and richer than most of them, too." "I mean, fair enough, I've only got one bull." "So did Hitler, but he ruled most of Europe." "This wine's lovely, open another couple of bottles." "Yes, you see, we're in the shires now." "It's the natural habitat of the gentry." "With these old video cameras, do you have to put one of them little cassette things in it?" "Yeah." "Oh, great." "Winterdown Farm here, it's really urgent." "Any luck?" "No, can't see a thing." "Well, he's got to be here somewhere, ain't he?" "All right, I'll call back later when someone's in." "Who was that?" "999." "What's happened?" "They've lost Rocky." "Lost him?" "How?" "He's nine foot long and weighs two and half ton." "He's just disappeared off the face of the earth." "And a couple of months back we had that spate of crop circles." "Oh, arr!" "My heart alive." "That poor bull." "What are you talking about?" "Visitors, sir, from outer space." "Oh, God help us." "We'll be building the mashed potato mountain next." "It happens, sir." "Remember my cousin Eugene?" "Oh, yeah." "Now, he had a lovely life." "He was married." "Four little 'uns." "Lovely little caravan." "And then came the night of the crop circles." "And Eugene was never seen again." "Never." "Ever." "Till six months later when he turned up with some woman on the Isle of Wight." "He had no memory." "Shall I put some Prozac in that coffee?" "Do you honestly believe that Darth Vader has flown all the way from Pluto to pick up her cousin Eugene and Rocky the bull?" "He might have flown down here in the past and left a few people!" "Right." "Yes, now here's what we're gonna do." "I am gonna form a search party." "Right, what do you want us to do, sir?" "Well, search!" "Yeah, but which direction do you want us to go in?" "Oh, well, let's see." "There's four of you and there's north, west, south and east." "Does that help?" "As long as you don't follow each other, we should have it covered." "Right, let's go!" "I'm gonna go north!" "No, no, I wanna go north." "No, north's my favourite!" "I'm the farm manager, I'm going north." "Let me go north." "Rocky!" "Here, boy!" "Din-dins!" "Where the hell's he got to?" "Oh, no." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "What?" "Can I have my bull back, please?" "Yes, it is my animal, but he's demanding £1 ,000 to return it." "So I want you, my lawyer, to sort him out and quick." "Yeah, yeah, go on." "It's not right, is it, holding Rocky to ransom like this." "No, it's not, darling." "I mean, he definitely belongs to my husband, doesn't he?" "Oh, he's Farmer Boyce's all right, signed and sealed." "Can't argue with that, ma'am." "Yeah, how did he get onto the land?" "Uh, well, there's a hole in the fence." "No, I've no idea how it got there." "But it's me dad's bull, innit?" "Yes, but he's on Llewellyn's land." "You see, it's the country code." "I mean, of course animals wander onto other people's land, but usually the farmers are friendly and just return the beast." "But to be fair, he doesn't seem a very friendly man." "No, he's a mad Welshman." "Oh, Llewellyn?" "He's hard work as well." "Now, er, never mind how the hole got in the fence." "just get your law books out and get my bull back!" "Right, I've got the law behind me now." "Let's see how Ivor the Engine fancies that." "£1 8,000!" "What's that, buttercup?" "You told me 1 800!" "He paid £1 8,000 for Rocky!" "They could write a pantomime about you." "1 8 grand?" "You could buy a second-hand Mercedes Coupé for that." "Well, listen to me!" "That is no ordinary bull." "That is a prize winner!" "The only prize winner round here is you, 'cause you just came first in the Stupid Contest." "Listen, Rocky is the beginning of our future." "He will sire us an entire herd." "Hello?" "Yes?" "What have you found out?" "Couldn't we tempt Rocky back onto our land?" "You know, offer him something he likes." "I mean, what do bulls eat?" "Grass, ma'am." "Right, I'll go out and I'll get a nice tuft of grass and hold it out to him." "Trouble is, ma'am, if you look around, he's pretty well off for grass, as things stand." "So I don't think he'll be interested in your tuft." "Leave it to Farmer Boyce." "Him and his lawyer will come up with something." "Yes." "Okay, okay." "Thank you." "What's he say?" "I've got to pay the Welshman £1 ,000." "What?" "Plus 250 for the repair of the fence." "Well, that's not fair!" "I mean, some imbecile breaks that fence and Farmer Boyce has to pay..." "Yes, all right, Elgin, thank you..." "Some stupid idiot goes rolling over it..." "Yes, all right, that's enough Elgin." "Some moron..." "Elgin!" "# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #"