"You make man?" "No-- woman." "MONSTER:" "Woman?" "[THEME MUSIC]" "THEME SONG:" "Weird science." "Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts mending broken hearts and making weird science." "Something like a recipe." "Bits and pieces and bits and pieces, pieces, pieces." "My creation-- is it real?" "It's my creation Oh, my creation." "It's my creation." "No heart of gold, just flesh and blood." "I do not know." "It's my creation." "Oh, my creation." "It's my creation." "From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand" "It's alive-- alive!" "[BEEPS]" "OK, you know the plan." "Piece of cake." "I slip into the Farber High computer system and grab the student file on-- what's her face." "Uta Streumgart-- 5 feet, 7 inches of blue-eyed, Bavarian babe-age." "A little inside info, and she'll fall victim to my (GERMAN" "ACCENT) blitzkrieg of love." "Ya vol, Herr "Ubagroper."" "Let's get crackin'." "Roger." "I'm goin' in." "COMPUTER:" "Welcome to the Farber High computer system." "LISA:" "I'm in." "Switching to video." "What the hell is this?" "Cyber space-- a virtual representation of the Farber" "High computer system." "[BEEPS]" "Wow, it's pretty advanced for a high school computer." "OK." "I'm at the record subdirectory-- all the students' permanent records at my fingertips." "Ooh, what do we have here?" "Gary Wallace, discipline record-- tardy, tardy, disruptive, lewd behavior." "You have no right to read my personal, confidential file." "Put it away and go find Uta's." "[STATIC]" "[BEEP]" "Uta Streumgart, personality profile right here." "Turn-ons-- moonlit strolls and kittens." "Turnoffs-- pestilence." "Bingo." "Upload that bad boy and come on home." "LISA:" "Roger-dodger." "Wait." "Pan left." "No, your other left." "What was that?" "[STATIC]" "Report cards, huh?" "We have a change in the mission profile." "LISA:" "No way, stretch." "I'm not here to hack your grades." "Come on, Lis', just one" " Home-Ec." "I would have had an A if it weren't for the grilled cheese final." "It isn't fair, Gary." "Fair?" "How am I supposed to know Kraft singles come individually wrapped." "That's why they call them "singles," brainiac." "Just change my grade, please." "[ALARMS SOUNDING]" "Lis'?" "What's happening?" "Dammit." "It's a protected file." "[BEEP]" "[ALARMS SOUNDING]" "[PANTING]" "I'm trapped in here." "Security program, booby-trapped." "Lis', Lis'!" "LISA:" "Fix it." "Game over, man." "[STATIC]" "Oh, boy." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "How could you lose an entire genie?" "Everything was under control." "Then bam" " Lisa gets caught in some high-tech cyber booby trap." "High-tech?" "You got to be kidding." "The Farber computer is such a dinosaur, you could debug the sys op UNIX subroutines without even rerouting the backdoor access codes." "Don't you think I tried that?" "[BEEPS]" "COMPUTER:" "Welcome to the Farber High computer system." "See?" "When you know what you're doing" "COMPUTER:" "You are trespassing-- [BEEPING]" "in a secured computer matrix." "Your location is now being traced." "[BEEPING]" "We have locked on to your location." "Please wait for the authorities to arrive and take you into custody." "Thank you." "I can't log off." "Why don't you just, you-- you know, plug up your backdoor UNIX hole." "[BEEPING, TYPING]" "Watch out." "Whoa." "I wasn't expecting that." "Neither was Lisa." "We got problems." "Scampi's got a new computer." "Getting Lisa out isn't going to be easy." "Right." "We're going to need steely nerves" "OK." "and cat-like reflexes" "Yeah." "and a license to kill." "How about a plan?" "A plan sounds good." "Hello, gentlemen." "[GASPS]" "Oh, Principal Scampi." "We didn't hear you walk up." "[CHUCKLES]" "[GONG]" "[ASIAN FOLK MUSIC]" "Listen for him." "He cannot be heard." "Look for him." "He cannot be seen." "He moves with the cunning stealth of a Shaolin priest." "Can I help you boys with something?" "Uh, we were just admiring your new computer." "Ah, yes." "Apparently, some of our less scrupulous students have been hacking into our old system." "No." "Fortunately, I've been able to divert some funds from the nurse's office." "So, uh, say goodbye to Bactine and band-aids and hello to El Diablo." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC]" "El Diablo?" "El Diablo-- protected by the most advanced security system ever devised, virtually impregnable." "[GULPS]" "Carry on, men." "They did it." "Huh?" "El Diablo." "I've been reading about it for years." "It's supposed to be completely hack-proof." "So what do we do?" "We have to access it directly." "And that means getting into Scampi's office." "Piece of cake." "I've been sent to Scampi's office so many times," "I got my own coffee mug." "[COUGHS]" "Isn't there an easier way to get sent to the principal's office?" "Every puff is a nail in my coffin." "Shut up and smoke." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Do I smell the demon tobacco?" "[FUSE BURNING]" "Cherry bomb!" "[EXPLOSION]" "Ah, jeez!" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "The false alarm-- a classic prank." "It never fails." "[ALARM SOUNDING]" "Fire!" "Fire!" "[SHOUTING]" "Mr. Pecktate is really gonna freak when he gets a load of Elsie here." "[MOOING]" "[LAUGHING]" "So let's recap." "Magic genie-- constant trouble." "No magic genie-- can't get arrested." "Makes you think." "Don't worry." "This plan will work." "And since Gary and I are considering careers in education, we were hoping to learn from the best." "We want to be your proteges." "Really get inside the mind of a principal to learn from you, benefit from your knowledge." "Learning more about Scampi, the principal, is to get a glimpse into" "Scampi, the man." "What do you say, sir?" "You boys have brought a tear to an old educator's eye." "To really know a man, you need to know his passion-- fishing." "Peaceful, isn't it, boys?" "Mm." "I often come here to escape the day-to-day complexities of being a high school principal." "It allows me to think, to reflect, observe." "Ah." "You should try it." "I have to go to the bathroom." "Actually, son, we call it "the head" out here at sea." "There you go." "[LIQUID SLOSHING]" "[FLIES BUZZING]" "[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]" "Hey." "All day on that damn boat, and still no password." "It's time to get serious." "Tonight, we break into that office and steal the computer." "I hope Lisa's OK in there." "Help!" "Help!" "Let me out of this damn computer." "[BEEPS]" "[JACKHAMMER]" "[ELECTRICITY, BEEPING]" "We seem to have picked up a shimmy." "[GROANING]" "So you want to play rough, huh?" "Bonzai!" "[ELECTRICITY, BEEPING]" "That shimmy is getting worse." "Try this." "[EXPLOSION]" "[ELECTRICITY, BEEPING]" "Well, goodnight, nurse." "I'd say a call to tech support might be in order." "[DIALING TONES]" "[METAL CLANKING]" "WYATT DONNELLY:" "All right, the rope, the rope." "Ah!" "[GROANING]" "Good thing we brought the rope." "We're in, aren't we?" "[GROANING]" "Let's grab the computer and get out of here." "The computer." "Where's the damn computer?" "[GASPS]" "Oh, boy." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "The computer's gone." "And Lisa with it." "What do you think happened?" "There's only one way to find out." "I knew you boys would get hooked on fishing." "Guess they're just not biting these spinning potsies." "I got a few nibbles on my Pinky Tuscadero." "So how's El Diablo these days?" "The darn thing crashed on me, so I sent it back to the factory." "I think I'll try a straight Chachi." "You sent it back to the factory?" "Why'd you do that?" "You can't do that." "Ah, don't worry." "It's under warranty." "A good memory purge, it'll be as good as new." "(ON TV) When they knock, we'll just say, come in, gentlemen." "[SHOUTS]" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Come out!" "[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]" "Did not see that coming." "Hey, Chett." "Beat it, butt whiffer." "The Big Ragoo is about to dance." "I'm listenin'." "So let me get this straight." "You two pudding' cups want me to help you break into a high-security computer complex and risk being shot, arrested, and electrocuted just to steal a lousy computer?" "Yeah." "Sounds doable." "Too bad you can't afford me." "[CHUCKLES]" "Did I mention we were going after Principal" "Scampi's computer?" "[WESTERN MUSIC]" "Scampi?" "Scampi, who humiliated me?" "Who beat me at every turn?" "Never forget." "Never forget." "CHETT DONNELLY (VOICEOVER):" "It would have been the crowning prank of my sophomore year." "I'd spent all of fifth period coating the halls with Crisco." "Once I yanked the fire alarm, the entire student body would perform the ultimate spastic "Grease" dance." "[GASPS]" "Where's the freakin' handle?" "Looking for something, Chester?" "The freaking handle, as you call it, is safe in my possession." "And you, my friend, have a date with a certain lemon-scented fellow we call Mr. Clean." "Uh, later, tater." "[GASPS]" "[GRUNTING]" "Scampi." "Scampi ruined everything." "I'm in." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "So that's the plan." "Now, usually, there'd be a question and answer session." "But who's kiddin' who?" "Only one of us is coming back alive." "And you're looking at him." "Let's move out." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Penetrator to Captain Puke." "Are you there?" "Come in, Captain Puke." "Over." "I will not answer to Captain Puke." "OK, fine." "Then you're Major Dump." "Dibs on Captain Puke." "No, I want Captain Puke back." "You snooze, you lose, Major Dump." "Ow." "Hold your position, Major Dump." "Hairspray?" "Oh, thanks, man." "The humidity in here is really screwing with my do." "[SPRAYS]" "[CHIMES]" "[SPRAYING]" "Ah, way to go, Chett." "We'd have walked right through that." "Damn straight, "Butt-veeta."" "Wait." "I think we're gonna need this." "Cool." "What's that do, create some kind of laser deflector force field?" "Nope." "Theme music." "Puts me in the mood." "[ROCK MUSIC]" "What?" "The primary objective." "We're getting close." "Couple more minutes, and we'll have Lisa back." "If they haven't erased her yet." "[PLAYING HARMONICA]" "[DOG SNARLING]" "[BARKS]" "Big dog." "We're Alpo." "[WHISTLING]" "Cool." "Let me try it." "[WHISTLING]" "[BARKING]" "[SNARLING]" "[BARKING]" "Nice goin'." "Chett, no!" "You promised." "No killing!" "If you don't have the juevos to do what it takes, you should have stayed home." "Now stand back and let me do my job." "Sorry you had to see that, kid." "[LAUGHS]" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Pay dirt." "How do we get in?" "Simple." "Sis, I need your ATM card." "What's the code?" "3425." "Thanks, Butt Lick." "[SNICKERING]" "SONG LYRICS:" "Hallelujah." "Hallelujah." "Mission accomplished." "Let's grab it and get out of here." "Wait." "It could be a trap." "[BEEPING]" "[CHARGING]" "Yeah." "This baby's hot." "We can't just unplug it." "Why not?" "Security system's linked to the power grid." "If we turn anything on or off in this room, we'll set off the alarm." "So what do we do?" "We make toast." "Hm?" "This toaster uses the same amperage as the computer." "If I plug it in at the exact moment that I unplug the computer, they'll never notice a drop in the power." "You can do this?" "I can do this." "Stand back." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC]" "[GASPS]" "No problem-o." "Uh-oh." "[ALARMS SOUNDING]" "[SHOUTING]" "Go, go, go!" "Come on!" "Ow, pinkie." "Ow!" "What do we do?" "Go." "Save yourselves." "We can't leave you here." "I knew the risks when I signed on." "You've got to leave me here." "Be strong, little bro." "I know it's tough to leave your own brother behind." "But it's the only way." "Now, go." "OK." "Later." "Hey, guys." "W-- where are you going?" "I didn't mean it." "I was just trying to be brave." "Come back here." "I'm your flesh and blood." "We can't really leave him here." "It was fun to think about." "Hang on, Chett!" "One of these wires has got to operate the bars." "Which one?" "Any one." "Just start slapping wires together and get me the hell out of here, you freaking idiot." "[ELECTRICITY]" "Oops." "Wrong wires." "Try touching the blue one and the red one." "No, I just did the blue and the red one." "I know." "I thought it worked well." "[ELECTRICITY]" "(SLURRING) Hey, Wyatt." "Remember the time I smeared margarine all over your face and held you down while the dog licked it off?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "That was funny." "(GROANING) Let's go home, Chett." "OK." "Hey, Gary." "Gary." "Remember the time I shaved all the hair off your butt?" "That was the cat, Chett." "That was funny." "Any luck Lisa's still in there?" "Yep." "A few more minutes, we'll have her file back." "[BEEPS]" "Hey, this is not my room." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "This is not my room, either." "You better hurry." "We may need a little Lisa magic to take care of Reddy Kilowatt here." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "[ECHOING BIRD CALL]" "(CALLING) Loon, loon." "Lake loon." "[CROW CAWING]" "[OBNOXIOUSLY CAWING]" "Magpie." "[BIRDS TWEETING]" "[MAKING BIRD CALLS]" "Whip-poor-will?" "Curly." "I've always been a "Stooges" fan." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh" "[SHUSHING]" "The fish." "[THEME MUSIC]" "THEME SONG:" "Weird science." "Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different." "We're making weird science." "Oh, pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces and bits and pieces, pieces, pieces." "My creation-- is it real?" "It's my creation." "I do not know." "It's my creation." "From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?"