"[Hip-hop music playing]" "[insistent banging on door]" "What the fuck is your problem?" "No disrespect, man." "My bumbaclot Johnson no working, see?" "What?" "I'm a rasclot true gashman and my dick won't stay tick, see?" "I think I got something for that." "Hold on." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "Girl, wake your ass up." "Damn well you ain't asleep." ""Crabs." "Bad breath."" ""Limp dick."" "Got that dough?" "Will it make my drill sergeant stand at attention?" "It'll make you forget your drill sergeant don't stand at attention." "Blaze two, get at me in the morning." "Peace!" "Yo, Silas, my brother!" "Oh, shit, Mikey." "Hell, no!" "Come on, Silas." "I need something to help me out." "Yeah, rehab, mouthwash, and a job application." "I'm starting to recognize things." "SlLAS: 'Cause you coming down off a three-month crack binge." "It's called reality, son." "SlLAS:" "Later, man." "CRACKHEAD:" "Wait, Silas!" "CRACKHEAD:" "You got anything for a head wound?" "Man, ain't nothing wrong with your head." "[Crackhead shouting]" "[Banging on wall]" "There is now." "[Moaning]" "SlLAS:" "Fuckin' crackhead." "Now what?" "Oh, shit, ive!" "What's up, dog?" "[Silas laughing]" "SlLAS:" "What's up, nigga?" "Ivory:" "What's crackin'?" "SlLAS:" "Boring shit." "You know." "Hey, you get my message about goin' to the Jets game?" "I wish I could, but I got this little shorty coming through tonight." "This girl is banging!" "We exchanged pictures and everything!" "Damn." "This look like your last girlfriend." "And did your picture have that nasty Al B. Sure!" "pubic patch in it, motherfucker?" "This just sprang up." "You know what I think it is?" "It's the mark of Buddha." "And your haircut game is fucked up." "Girlfriend see that, she's gonna shit on you." "She's different." "All she cares about is Kevin Costner movies." "I'll let Kev do the foreplay, right?" "Now if I can get something from the "Garden of Weeden" to make it interesting." "Costner?" "Dances with Wolves." "Field of Dreams." "That's a corny motherfucker." "You gonna need some strong shit just to stay awake." "Ivory:" "You're feeling me." "You're feeling me." "SlLAS:" "That's a four-hour movie, motherfucker." "Ivory:" "What is this?" "[Ivory exclaiming appreciatively]" "SlLAS:" "Get off." "Ivory:" "Dog, you shouldn't have." "I didn't." "Get outta here with that shit." "Let me just grab her titty." "Hell, no." "She wouldn't even know it was me." "To hell with that." "Ivory:" "What you got for me?" "SlLAS:" "Here you go, here:" "The bomb." "Ivory:" "Oh, yeah." "What's this right here?" "Stop touching stuff!" "When you gonna get funds for this shit?" "Look right there." "See that?" "That's a natural aphrodisiac." "Come here." "Let me show you some more shit." "See that?" "That's a painkiller." "Look up under there, bro." "You see that?" "Cure for blue balls." "SlLAS:" "This ain't shit, okay?" "Watch yourself." "Well, your shit is raggedier than a motherfucker, okay?" "If you took your head off these hos and put them in some books you'd have the lab you always talked about." "Half those books is filled with bullshit the other half lies, all right?" "See what I'm saying?" "I gotta give Pops his medicine." "MAN ON TV:" "I'm hungrier than four dudes." "Hey, I'm hungrier than five." "Who is you, and what you doing in my house, Jack?" "I work for Pork Chops O'Chunky." "Whether you're black, a honky, or in-between you'll love Pork Chops O'Chunky." "Man, that's mean!" "So what's in this stuff?" "MAN 2:" "Nothing but pork." "MAN 1:" "Right on!" "MAN 1:" "Why don't you have...." "SlLAS:" "There you go." "Yo, you scared to answer your calling?" "What calling?" "jingle ON TV:" ""Pork Chops O'Chunky taste real good" ""Won't make your bathroom smell funky"" "You got an opportunity to do something the drug companies would never do." "Put the power of healing in the hands of the common man." "Whatever." "What you need to do is concentrate on getting the power of booty into the hands of your common ass." "That's what you need to do." "Don't worry about the lve." "I got mine coming tonight." "Hey, Silas." "Damn, you see the ass on her?" "What's up, boy?" "You just remember to take them THCs, at least try to get into college work in a real lab, make real money." "Okay." "Whatever, man. lf you say so, bro." "The world is bigger than Staten Island." "I'm out." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "Holler at me." "l'll try to." "SlLAS:" "What's up, ladies?" "Ivory:" "Yo, Si." "If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I got your back, dog." "If anything happened while I jumped out a window and my hair caught on fire, I got your back." "If my ex came at me with a knife and stabbed me, I got your back!" "SlLAS:" "Man, you talk too fucking much." "Hey!" "Ivory:" "Yo, Silas!" "You better take those college exams!" "[Soul music playing]" "friend:" "Look at Jamal." "He's a good boy, huh?" "MRS. king:" "Good boy, my ass." "Ask him why I cancelled my appointment to pick him up in the precinct." "JAMAL:" "Momma, they lying." "MRS. king:" "They lying?" "They found the weed on you, didn't they?" "lt wasn't mine." "Then what is this that I found in your bedroom?" "JAMAL:" "Hello!" "Mamma, it is a lamp." "And this is where you turn it on at." "Excuse me?" "Head." "[Jamal grunting]" "MRS. king:" "Now, where did I go wrong with your ass?" "You have to take that THC test and get into a four-year college or I will cut you off from this family." "Baby, you are the first member of this family to go to college." "Six years at a two-year community college isn't what I had in mind!" "friends:" "The truth." "MRS. king:" "I've a dream that one day I'll put your diploma here under my Jesus, who's master of this house next to your brother's prison-issued barber certificate and your sister's weave master degree." "Now don't disappoint me you weed-smoking, three-day-wearing nasty ass." "MRS. king:" "Just like your dad." "JAMAL:" "Ma why you always gotta talk to me like that in front of company?" "These bitches ain't nobody." "Warm me up some Pork Chops O'Chunky." "ls that all?" "Wash your nasty ass." "ls that all, Mamma?" "[Hip-hop music playing]" "What's up, baby?" "Oh, hell, no!" "I didn't know you had dreads." "What is that?" "Brother got extensions put in today." "They tight, huh?" "Where?" "Between your eyes?" "What the hell is that?" "lt's the mark of Buddha." "It's the skidmark of Buddha!" "Looks like he took a dump in the middle of your face." "l don't think this will work out." "Hold on!" "Why you doing this?" "I rented Field of Dreams and Dances with Wolves." "Nigga, you are a wolf." "Chocolate diva!" "Nubian goddess!" "I'm taking you off my buddy list, bitch!" "I hope you get a virus, you and your computer!" "[Car squealing away]" "MAN ON TV:" "If you build it, they will come." "TRACY MORGAN:" "What?" ""If you build it, they'll come"?" "Who's gonna come to a fucking cornfield?" "Who's gonna cut the grass?" "I know you don't expect me to sell no peanuts up in this bitch." "This shit remind me of slavery, Roots and shit." "I don't play this, man." "RAY KlNSELLA:" "What was that?" "TRACY MORGAN:" "Annie!" "Crazy ho!" "Only way I'm coming is if you got some females and some chronic." "TRACY MORGAN:" "Then we'll all come." "RAY KlNSELLA:" "What was that voice?" "annie KlNSELLA:" "We didn't hear it." "TRACY MORGAN:" "You got nice titties." "annie KlNSELLA:" "What?" "What?" "RAY KlNSELLA:" "Okay, you must've heard that." "annie KlNSELLA:" "It's a good baseball field." "RAY KlNSELLA:" "It's pretty." "annie KlNSELLA:" "Oh, yeah." "RAY KlNSELLA:" "Told you." "annie KlNSELLA:" "Didn't." "RAY KlNSELLA:" "Did." "[Hip-hop music playing] [Ivory screaming]" "[Bugle playing taps]" "SlLAS:" "Mark of Buddha, my ass." "Look at you now." "Dead, ashes." "Damn, Ivory." "After all these years of blazing who would've thought the last thing to wind up smoking would be your ass?" "I'm gonna miss you, dog and I'm gonna be thinking about you while I'm taking them THCs." "And if you're really my boy you'll make sure I pass that motherfucker, you heard?" "Thanks." "Matter of fact, what's up with that little...." "Can I get a little...." "Never mind." "Forget it." "Bald-ass motherfucker." "Stingy bastard!" "Shit." "[Hip-hop instrumental music]" "SlLAS: "Early girl."" "Oh, Ivory!" "My, how you've grown!" "Damn, Ivory!" "I had no idea you could stink so good, nigga!" "Jeez!" "JAMAL:" "Hey, man." "Get that car fixed." "Blunt o'clock, boy!" "[Radio playing upbeat tune]" "Get the fuck outta here, man!" "Look at this little-ass bag of fucking weed!" "[Sniffing]" "[Exhaling contentedly]" "Yes, Lord." "Oh, damn!" "[Exclaiming disgustedly]" "[Exclaiming]" "JAMAL:" "Oh, shit!" "My weed!" "[Yelling]" "No cigar?" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Bitch!" "[Radio playing Jammin' by Bob Marley]" "Got blunt?" "Got weed?" "Man, that shit smells good as hell, dog." "l'm Jamal." "Peace." "Silas." "You trying to get something to bring them nerves down too?" "Yeah, I figure if I study high, take the test high, get high scores." "Right?" "Right." "BOTH: [Laughing] Right." "BOY:" "Look at that car." "girl:" "is it on fire?" "[Coughing]" "Here you go, son." "[Both coughing and choking]" "This is the shit." "That shit is called Ivory." "JAMAL:" "It's the shit." "SlLAS:" "That's the lvory." "JAMAL:" "Goddamn!" "SlLAS:" "This is the shit." "Hey, y'all pass that, kid." "I just gave it to the guy in the back, man." "Guy in the back?" "What the fuck are you" "What's up, dog?" "That's Ivory." "No, that's the lvory, bro." "Damn." "Ivory!" "Shit!" "You got to be kidding me!" "Ivory:" "Yo, Silas!" "Chill out!" "SlLAS:" "Word!" "What the fuck is going on?" "Ain't you supposed to be dead?" "I am dead, but this is what happens when you smoke your boy." "JAMAL:" "Holy shit!" "Man, let me try that!" "Ivory:" "Silas, relax." "Ivory:" "Can we talk about this in your car?" "I know how you can get high scores." "JAMAL:" "I'm a ghost!" "[Jamal's voice echoing]" "SlLAS:" "Don't touch me, man." "Ivory:" "It's me, dog." "What are you doing?" "Running the streets, fucking with the living?" "No, bro. I'm just here for you." "You gotta understand, you can only see me when you smoke me." "I got all the answers." "I can consult with people." "Socrates, Nietzsche, even the old dude who made up this test." "SlLAS:" "That's bullshit." "Ivory:" "I bullshit you not." "I told you I have your back, even if I got hit by a bus." "You didn't even get hit by a bus." "[Ivory screaming]" "I made it!" "I can't feel my legs, but I'm alive!" "[Bus approaching]" "[Horn honking]" "[Screaming]" "And you predicted that shit?" "Yeah." "Why you here?" "You gonna hook me up with a chick with no gag reflex or something?" "Even better." "I'm gonna be in there with you." "By the time I'm done with you, every college in the country will want you." "[Jamal exclaiming]" "Shit!" "Man, I must not be high enough." "He's a ghost, man." "Cool." "That explains everything." "I'm up here trying to put my fucking head through the...." "We've never had anybody, let alone two people, get a perfect score." "We either have a one-in-six-billion phenomenon or a cheat." "It would've been impossible for either of you to cheat." "You had two, totally different versions of the test." "Congratulations." "These scores will get you into any college in the country." "Yo, we still high on that ivory?" "[Classical instrumental music]" "HUNTLEY:" "It's this simple." "The trustees of the university are riding my ass about getting some color up at Harvard." "Excuse me?" "Ethnic diversity." "The trustees think we need it." "Why don't we have more minorities?" "How should I know?" "If we don't do something soon, I might get fired." "What about Upchuck Kamalu?" "He's Eskimo." "Why isn't he considered as a minority?" "I brought him in." "But it's breaking the bank keeping his igloo frozen." "What about those two guys I read about from the tri-states?" "They made perfect scores on their THCs!" "I saw those guys' pictures." "They look like mug shots!" "[Dramatic clanging] I don't care. I want them!" "At Reparations Technical Institute, we offer a cornucopia of educational and business opportunities to pursue higher learning." "Read the brochure." "Brothers, join us at Reparations Technical Institute and learn hatred for the white devil..." "...in a relaxed ambience, classes range" "From:" "Hatred for the white devil." "To:" "Advanced hatred for the white devil." "And:" "Volleyball." "Next!" "You think you're all hot tamales right now, I'll tell you." "Why don't you come to the base to see what it's really like to be someone special?" "You can work hard, you learn..." "...then you can build refrigerators." "Next!" "Taking a vow of celibacy" "Next!" "Frees your mind" "Next!" "And your body." "Next!" "Harvard?" "Ain't it a lot of richie people up there?" "Shit, I gotta roll up that joint." "With test scores like these, you can roll up any joint you want." "Harvard, gentlemen, is not just any joint." "It's an institution." "All I want to do is develop my herbal in a real lab and get some head while I'm doing it." "[All laughing]" "We have the finest botany department in the world and a quality of life like no other." "Music, artists, and the women." "So, does it sound tempting?" "Ivy League atmosphere?" "A place where you can really grow academically?" "l'll fucks with you." "Shit, I fucks with you, too." "ls that good?" "Yes, that's a "yes."" "Then we'll fox with each other!" "[Classical instrumental music]" "[Hip-hop music playing]" "[Jamal exclaiming]" "SlLAS:" "They look like they still in high school." "If there's grass on the infield, play ball." "Where the fuck is orientation at, anyway?" "BOTH:" "Damn!" "[Barking and hooting]" "SlLAS:" "What the fuck was that?" "JAMAL:" "Jesus!" "If I can pull off six years at a community college I know I can get at least 12 years up in this motherfucker." "How much of that ivory shit we got?" "We limited, all right?" "We'll have to split this shit up." "You know what I'm saying?" "We only blaze at test times." "What, no wake and bake?" "Got other stuff for that." "Bart!" "Remember those artifacts I found this summer?" "I was right!" "They are Ben Franklin's!" "Great!" "Did you figure out where you want to eat dinner tonight?" "Dinner?" "Bart, some of these things are...." "They look like earlier inventions and if I can discover what these are it could be the greatest find in the history of Harvard." "SlLAS:" "I love Ben Franklin, girl and I could listen to you talk about his stinking ass all day long." "Excuse me?" "Does anybody know where the financial aid office is?" "Well, my man, let me think." "See that statue right there?" "It's beautiful, isn't it?" "It's in the likeness of my great-granddaddy Dooster so I'm guessing that would be the Dooster House the financial aid office." "I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually needed to go there." "All we did was come over for directions." "If we came over here and asked if anybody needed their ass kicked you wouldn't sound so fucking smug, would you?" "My bad, bro." "We got off on the wrong foot." "Let's start over. I'm Bart. -l'm Jamal." "My friend, this is crew, but don't even think about it." "You don't look like you could hang, Jermaine." "The name's Jamal, and I'll fuck your crew up." "Who are they, goddamn it?" "lt's rowing, Jimmy Jam." "Well, Bart-fart, you got skills in it?" "I'm captain of the team." "lf you can do it, I can do it, sucker." "Right, goddamn it!" "This isn't basketball, J. Rock." "I trained all year for three seasons to make number one in single sculls." "You about to be number two, 'cause I'm signing up, buddy." "Well, practice starts tomorrow at 6:00 a.m., all right?" "Fine!" "I don't mind cutting my evening short to be there." "As dean, I've welcomed students from all over the world." "From Korea, from Rome Istanbul." "Students enter Harvard with a variety of goals." "Excuse me." "Are we in the right place?" "JAMAL:" "Anyone?" "Anyone?" "SlLAS:" "You?" "You?" "As I was saying Harvard isn't for everyone." "Shit!" "We got a black man for a teacher." "That's what I'm talking about." "What's up, bro?" "We straight." "JAMAL:" "We straight." "As I was saying" "What's wrong with his ass?" "He's probably been locked up more times than me and you put together." "Old, green Jiminy Cricket, suit-wearing ass motherfucker." "Old, short Colin Powell haircut having ass motherfucker." "SlLAS:" "Get him!" "JAMAL:" "Angela Davis moustache..." "JAMAL: ...wearing ass motherfucker!" "SlLAS:" "Get him!" "JAMAL:" "You ol' Richard Pryor shortcut, fade-happening-around-the-side wearing fucker!" "You little Sammy Davis award junior Afro-haircut-having ass motherfucker!" "SlLAS:" "Get him!" "Dynamite disco daddy...." "SlLAS:" "Get him!" "JAMAL:" "Don Cornelius-with-a-haircut" "Gentlemen!" "If you don't mind, I'd like you to sit down." "I would like to continue." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Watch your toes." "Watch the corns." "Excuse me." "[Jamal making flatulence sounds]" "Thank you for your entertaining anecdotes." "We here at Harvard are rooted in tradition." "What the fuck is this?" "That's toilet water." "It's a part of my pledge." "Do you guys mind?" "No, but do you mind talking that way?" "'Cause your breath smells like straight ass-crack, bro." "Isn't there a hip-hop convention you two should be?" "[Acting scared]" "Shark has fangs!" "Word." "Hey, go easy on him." "We probably the only blackheads he seen since he looked in the mirror." "Can you guys show a little respect?" "SlLAS:" "This class is boring. I'm gone!" "DEAN:" "Excuse me." "DEAN:" "Did you say something?" "SlLAS:" "With all due respect, suck my dick." "[All gasping]" "No, sir. I'm not saying anything." "It's these guys." "SlLAS:" "You're an asshole." "DEAN:" "Did you call me an asshole?" "JAMAL:" "No, I said "idiot." DEAN:" "An idiot?" "JEFFREY:" "No." "DEAN:" "What did you say?" "l said that this school has nice halls." "This is not funny." "SlLAS:" "You couldn't teach your way out of kindergarten class." "We've had enough interruptions for today." "I think you should leave!" "Sir...." "SlLAS:" "This would not have happened if I were black." "[All laughing]" "[Gerald calling attention]" "Better pull back on those pedals, boy." "Why?" "Maximum speed on campus is 15 mphs." ""Mphs"?" "$50?" "Man, I can't pay this." "Well." "This isn't even a real ticket." "It's a student citation. I'm a volunteer." "You need to pay that by Friday at 5:00" "That was uncalled for." "Eat me." "GERALD:" "You got yourself another citation." "cyclist:" "Fuck off!" "[Bicycle horn honking]" "GERALD:" "Well, well, well." "Look who we have here." "Damn, this bike's phat as hell!" "Don't touch!" "All right, leave the bike alone." "Did you call me fat?" "What is that stench?" "That's my cologne." "Cannabis For Men." "I don't know what that is." "Forewarning, gentlemen." "You better watch your mouths and your behinds." "I'm looking for the ecstasy." "I'm looking for the pot." "Oh, yeah. I'm looking for those 'shrooms." "Shit, we looking for that shit, too!" "What are you talking about?" "Same thing you talking about." "What are we talking about?" "Look, Gerald." "Either you're holding or get on your little roadster and move the fuck on." "It's Volunteer Officer Pickelstine, and I am watching you." "I'm watching you like a hawk." "Like a hawk!" "Somebody needs a hug." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "amir:" "Don't worry, baby." "You can suck my dick after class." "[Gasping]" "She wants me." "Welcome to Lovell House." "You look funky fresh, and funky fresh always likes funky fresh women." ""Amir." "Professional student resident advisor for you."" "amir:" "And professional player." "So, what's mine is yours and what's yours I've probably already had." "You, and you, and me, we're the same:" "Africa tan." "The original man was like us." "Whatever, nigga." ""l believe in the Fly Club, its traditions and its ideals." ""l believe in the...." Excuse me." "Do you have to play that so loud?" "l'm trying to study my pledge book." "This Niggers With Attitude." "If you smart, you tell people you love NWA." "They think you cool." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "Why you wear smelly eggs?" "These eggs are a part of my pledging." "I am getting thousands of lifetime connections here." "I'm gonna be a part of a fraternity." "What's up?" "What's up?" "Oh, God!" "One glove, my brothers!" "I am Tuan, child prodigy." "Well, I'm Jamal, a pothead." "Silas, entrepre-negro." "Jamal!" "Fresh gear, man!" "You like?" "JAMAL:" "I designed it myself. I call it "Bufu."" "Bufu." "Oh, no." "Not you two!" "SlLAS:" "Fake-ass Bunyan plaid-pussy-shirt-wearing, man I'll fuck your ass up." "Shut up." "Okay, but if you two are our roommates, who's that?" "JAMAL:" "That's I Need Money!" "Goddamn!" "JEFFREY:" "What's his name?" "I Need Money!" "Doesn't talk." "How come he?" "l Need Money, he's a mute." "When we first hooked up, he wrote on a slip of paper "l need money."" "I said, "Shit!" "Me, too."" "We started making it together after that." "Where he staying?" "Harvard." "Lovell House." "Second floor, right on the couch." "But he's smoking in our room." "That's not legal." "Just be cool and you might have some fun this semester." "Stupid." "NWA?" "Kid, what do you know about that?" "Yeah. I love Niggers With Attitude." "[Jeffrey exclaiming]" "Nobody, I repeat, nobody..." "SlLAS: ...drops the N-bomb up in here." "JAMAL:" "Nobody." "That go for you, too." "Hey, I am down with you, man." "You East Coast, I Far East Coast." "I'm from Wisconsin." "Yo, Fresh and Funky." "Dean Cain wants to see you in his office." "Don't be late." "Gentlemen, this institution has graduated countless Fortune 500 CEO's 41 Nobel laureates, and six presidents." "JAMAL:" "Hey, Dean where's all them fly-ass women the chancellor was talking about?" "I mean, so far, I only seen some stuck-up nerdy-ass-looking women out there." "[Bombs falling]" "[Time bomb ticking]" "[Loud crunching]" "[Dean screaming]" "[Vacuum whirring]" "DEAN:" "You were dropping Chee-tos on an original 18th-century, hand-woven tapestry!" "You mean, this carpet?" "This is out of my personal collection." "I got this in my travels to Nepal!" "I know the bitch that makes these." "You know Wynena." "Yeah, I remember that bitch." "lt means the world to me!" "Now, as I was saying, here at Harvard we have very high standards." "Any student on a scholarship must maintain at least a 2.0 average, or you will be expelled." "It's good to know we have the support of the faculty, Dean." "Don't you worry." "Me and Jamal here...." "We're all about good grades." "ls that right, Mr. King?" "Hell, motherfucker-- l mean, yes, sir, Dean Cain, sir." "[Hip-hop instrumental music]" "JEFFREY:" "Now, how is carbon dioxide changed into oxygen?" "SlLAS:" "Plants, dick!" "JEFFREY:" "God!" "You guys!" "SlLAS:" "Jamal, Jamal, Jamal." "Sleepyhead, wake up!" "[Alarm beeping]" "I got something for your ass." "[Upbeat music blasts]" "[Upbeat music continues]" "Come on!" "Pick it up, if you want to be part of this squad!" "Taxi!" "[Upbeat music fades out]" "JAMAL:" "What took you guys so long?" "Coach, I have not lost an oar run in three years." "I'm wondering if this guy cheated." "Cheated?" "Man, fuck you!" "Why is fucking Dick Butt-Kiss over here always riding me?" "Dick Butt-Kiss?" "Did you hear that, coach?" "He's cursing!" "Bart, I think you better go open up the boathouse." "But, coach!" "Bart!" "I don't think you want to see this." "You, here." "Come here." "Come here!" "Nice comeback on the Dick Butt-Kiss." "I wish I could have said that." "His parents have been making my life a misery for years but they give money to the university." "I have to go to those cocktail parties." "She has lousy perfume, and he has a lousy toupee." "Anyway, you keep throwing zingers to this jerk-off and you're gonna make the team, son." "Let that be a lesson to you!" "This is the last time!" "All right, rookies, pushups!" "Get down!" "What's up with the fast stroll?" "Can I holler?" "Hi." "JACKSON:" "The role played by the African Americans in the history of this country has been largely unnoticed." "Of course, history is the record of an account of the past but the issue here is, who is recording the account?" "If it's snowflake, whitey paleface, peckerwoods, cracker." "Well, we got Cleopatra looking like Elizabeth Taylor Jesus looks like a hippie in a dashiki." "But if it's one of my proud black people doing the recording of the account" "JAMAL:" "Yo, Silas!" "JACKSON:" "We might have Moses looking like this fine black man, right here." "JACKSON:" "But blacks don't get any credit." "JAMAL:" "I'm sore as a motherfucker, man." "Who invented the air conditioner?" "A black man." "What's up, dogs?" "I'm sore as a bitch in heat." "And you know what else?" "I'm gonna have to knock that Bart character the fuck out." "Once again, a black man." "Can't this wait till after class?" "You're supposed to be in here anyway." "This is black history." "Black history?" "It look like all the black students that was in here are history." "You telling me to "shh"?" "See what I mean?" "JAMAL:" "Fuck history." "JACKSON:" "That's right." "Fuck history." "Yeah, fuck history." "Mr. Moses, I expect you'll be ready for your quiz tomorrow." "JAMAL:" "Quiz, my ass!" "A white man teaching black history, anyway, that's some bullshit." "I'm going to lunch and take a nice long shit." "That's the kind of attitude I like to hear." "And where are you going?" "We didn't land on Plymouth Rock." "Plymouth Rock landed on us." "All right!" "Malcolm X!" "I'm glad someone appreciates the knowledge I'm giving you." "What about you two?" "Why not walk out in protest with your brothers?" "Walk out!" "Why are you sitting there?" "You look like whitey." "You look like a couple of goddamn Uncle Toms!" "Walk on out!" "That's right, get up and move!" "You should lynch me!" "Lynch me for what my people have done to your people." ""Stand up for your rights!" Move on up!" "[Ominous instrumental music]" "[Adventurous instrumental music]" "SlLAS:" "Go, go, go." "STUDENT:" "Hey, what's up?" "GERALD: [Screaming] Stop!" "What's going on here?" "He stole my baby!" "Stop!" "Bring my baby back!" "Not my baby!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, please, God!" "[Bicycle Race by Queen playing]" "[Students laughing]" "[Gerald screaming]" "Oh, my God!" "My wheels!" "[Screaming]" "Oh, my horn!" "Please, don't back up!" "Please, don't back up!" "Hey, you!" "Where's Elm and Third?" "What?" "GERALD:" "Not forward!" "[Screaming]" "GERALD:" "That's not yours!" "thief:" "Look at these, bro!" "No, don't put them in...." "Oh, my baby!" "[Gerald wailing]" "Can anyone tell me the name of this plant?" "Bart?" "Oh, yeah. lt's a hanging rubber plant." "It's indigenous to the wet drylands of the Northern Hemisphere." "Yeah, right, Bart. Would you bet money on that?" "Or is that below the "Dooster principle"?" "Yeah, I'll bet on it." "How about an SUV?" "I got three of them." "And the survey says, "You lose."" "lt's a neem plant, Professor." "Oui. lt is but how did you know that, Silas?" "I had this nasty-ass rash once." "Put a little neem plant on it, cleared it up in an hour." "l even smoked it before." "Well, that figures." "One thing it doesn't cure, though, being a spoiled little bitch." "WOOD:" "I'd like you all to do an experiment on a plant something that may benefit mankind." "If you devise something groundbreaking I guarantee you an "A" in this course." "Class dismissed." "WOOD:" "Good work, everyone." "SlLAS:" "Thank you." "Keep up the good work." "LAUREN:" "So he likes plants, does he?" "l see still waters run deep." "Please believe." "But wait till you see my presentation." "You're gonna love me after that." "So, Lauren, you might as well tell him now and get it over with." "What?" "How you said you're starting to see Bart for the shallow bastard he is and, eventually, you're gonna leave him for me." "Holler." "[Hip-hop instrumental music]" "GARR:" "This semester in women's studies, we'll discuss how women are objectified in popular culture while the masculine bastards exploit women's ideas for great profit then take all the credit." "Jamal!" "You have the most amazing penis." "Yes, I do." "[Romantic R  B music playing]" "[Both moaning]" "JAMAL:" "Hell, yeah." "MRS. king:" "You're playing grabby-ass again, huh?" "Ma!" "Did you wash your ass today?" "Damn, Ma!" "Stop, Ma!" "SlLAS:" "You high yet?" "JAMAL:" "I don't know." "Maybe not high enough." "Where the hell is he?" "[Coughing]" "Maybe I didn't hit it hard enough." "Ivory:" "What you doing in there?" "Dropping your kids off at the pool?" "Oh, shit." "Hey, what's up, J?" "Give me five." "l hate it when you do that." "l love that funny shit." "What took you so long, man?" "Biggie and 'Pac, they throwing a party." "Open bar all night, man." "Everything was cool, man till Marvin Gaye came in there tripping." "Marvin Gaye?" "Yeah." "Listen, we got a test in five minutes." "Word." "What's that got to do with me?" "I know you're ready, you studied." "Ready?" "We ain't studied" "Come on." "You have a golden opportunity here to make something of yourself, and you throwing it away?" "lt's time for you to learn a lesson." "Come on, ive." "Ivory:" "I'm out, man." "SlLAS:" "lve!" "SlLAS:" "Don't play!" "JAMAL:" "Talk to him." "Why did you tell him we ain't studied for the test?" "Damn all that!" "JAMAL:" "You should've thought about all that-- Ivory:" "What's up!" "I was just fucking with you, man." "Come on, son." "This is some good shit." "You know you my boy, man." ""C," Silas." "Come on, man." "The Portuguese." "1863." "That's "B."" "J, what are you doing?" "1961." ""B"?" "Trust me. I got all the answers." "You just told me that answer." ""A," French." "Definitely the French." "[Women moaning erotically on TV]" "[Hip-hop instrumental music]" "Goddamn virgins." "At least y'all being entertained." "I ain't seen a stitch of pussy on this whole campus." "The chickens are not clucking around here." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "You've come to the right place." "I've been an undergrad for 12 years." "I know everything there is to know about Ivy League women." "SlLAS:" "Twelve years?" "Damn, kid." "Your people paying for all this shit?" "A drop in the bucket, sucker." "I remain here solely for the purpose of hooking up with Harvard women." "Short ones, tall ones skinny ones, chunky ones." "Man, I'd love me a fat chick, man." "More cushion for the pushing." "amir:" "Yes. I want "to boldly go where no man has gone before."" "I am an explorer." "SlLAS:" "I see you are very much liking to explore STDs, also, my friend." "That shit on your lip, got some shit on its lip, dog." "is that why no puff-puff?" "Pass the dutchy, my friends." "amir:" "It's nothing!" "I cut myself shaving." "JAMAL:" "Whatever." "JAMAL:" "We need to start importing some hos." "MEGAN:" "Molly, get in here!" "You have to see this!" "MOLLY:" "Oh, my!" "MEGAN:" "Look at those muscles!" "MOLLY:" "He is quite attractive." "MEGAN:" "Indeed." "I think there's some freak in those geeks." "Yeah!" "Here you go." "[Laughing]" "Don't get the wrong idea." "We've never done this before." "We're virgins." "Virgins?" "No, you're not." "Yes, we are." "Nah!" "No, no, no." "Yes, yes, yes." "No, no, no!" "BOTH WOMEN:" "Yes, yes, yes!" "[All grunting and moaning]" "[Ecstatic shouts]" "[Hip-hop instrumental music]" "You got change for a twenty?" "[Hip-hop music plays]" "History!" "Got an "A+," my nigga." "[Hooting appreciatively]" "Who is that?" "JAMAL:" "That is all me, G. LAUREN:" "That's the vice president's daughter as in vice president of the United States." "Jamal, you don't want that." "Them girls only know three words:" "Stop, no and don't." "JAMAL:" "No, my brother." "You got those words backwards." "They always tell me, "No, don't stop!"" "JAMAL:" "Excuse me." "SlLAS: [Singing] Player, player." "I'm about to take this ass up right here." "[Sexy soul music plays]" "Sorry, sir." "Jamie's not accepting any male callers at this time." "Man, I ain't calling. I'm right here." "jamie:" "Cedric, step aside." "[Jamal whistling appreciatively]" "[Barking]" "What's your name?" "l'm Jamal." "You ever been arrested, Jamal?" "No." "Ever busted up your mom's house and slapped her when she asked about it?" "Hell, no!" "You crazy?" "You ain't my type." "JAMAL:" "Wait a minute!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "I once got arrested for stealing a car one time but my mother dropped the charges." "Well, it's not a felony, but maybe we can work with that." "[Jamal panting like a dog]" "[Romantic instrumental music]" "Yo!" "I didn't mean to scare you." "SlLAS:" "Can I come in?" "LAUREN:" "Sure, come on in." "Let me move my things." "There you go." "You can sit there." "Thank you." "How very thoughtful." "You'll have to pardon my desk." "I've got a lot of artifacts and delicate things down here." "What's this shit?" "Looks old." "Oh, it is old." "It's over 200 years old." "I sort of discovered it." "You discovered all this crazy shit." "You're a straight-up genius, girl." "[Laughing] I don't know about all that." "I do know it's Ben Franklin's." "I just don't know what it is." "But I was thinking that it could be this old revolutionary cannon or a telescope, or...." "Whatever it is, this shit is hot." "Let me ask you something." "Yeah." "How'd you hook up with that Bart dude?" "I've known Bart all my life and if it weren't for his family, I probably wouldn't be here." "SlLAS:" "Isn't that sweet?" "[Laughing]" "SlLAS:" "Look, you got a little something on your dress." "My eyes." "[Sudden exclamation]" "Bart, honey, sweetie, you are just in time because I just finished studying." "BART:" "Studying?" "LAUREN:" "Yeah." "I didn't know the two of you were studying here alone, with the lights dimmed drinking beer!" "Silas, I know what you're trying to do." "You're trying to "frick" her!" "Whatever, Bart-kowski." "I was just admiring your girl's thing." "Well, I guess I should say thanks." "This is a part of history." "Your girl is doing something I think you need to recognize." "Yeah?" "So?" "Listen, I'm out." "Maybe next time I'll get to study with you." "Peace." "BART:" ""Peace" is meant to explain a state of tranquility." "Why don't you think of another way to say good-bye now that you're amongst civilized people?" "Well, Mr. Civilized, "peace" can also be used interjectionally as a request, greeting or farewell." "So try to find another way to be an asshole if you don't know your grammar, that is." "Peace." "[Scoffing]" "LAUREN:" "Okay, Bart." "God!" "Can I get my stuff?" "[Exclaims with frustration]" "SlLAS:" "Yes." "It was near the medical library." "I think they said it was one of those tick-tocky, blow-uppy exploding-thingy, pipe bomb thing-things." "Yeah." "Thank you." "You, too." "All righty. 'Bye." "[Dramatic instrumental hip-hop music]" "[Sirens blaring]" "SlLAS: "Dooster principle," my ass." "JAMAL:" "My grandmother would love this shit in her garden." "JAMAL:" "Howdy." "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "Lasso, boys." "[Shouting excitedly]" "JAMAL:" "Timber!" "That statue was priceless." "It means everything to our family." "Will you stop your damn sniveling, son?" "Buck up, Bart!" "Buck up!" "Do you think they gonna find out we stole the Dooster statue?" "SlLAS:" "Hell, no." "Oh, my God!" "I knew it." "You guys stole the Dooster!" "They do what?" "Fellas, it's time we all sat down and kicked it." "I'm not kicking anything." "I have a pledge meeting to go to and haven't greased myself up." "God, I just don't get you guys." "SlLAS:" "There's a lot of things in life your ass just don't get." "Yeah, like pussy and respect." "[All laughing] I heard that." "[Reggae instrumental music]" "See, the system is geared to put most of the wealth into the hands of a few." "Rich weapons, poor schooling." "Yeah, that's for sure." "Yeah, for sure." "Y'all don't know shit." "I'm gonna learns you, though." "[Cypress Hill playing I Wanna Get High]" "Dwarves, midgets, motherfucking unicorns." "Motherfuckers don't want to see a black man make it." "JAMAL:" "Yeah." "SlLAS:" "Know what I mean?" "For sure." "[Tuan mumbles]" "SlLAS:" "I'll tell you something else." "[Silas moaning]" "For sure." "Word up, Young MC." "You're just in time to help cheer us to victory." "Young MC!" "[Laughing]" "You keep getting funnier every day." "You won't be laughing in a minute, motherfucker." "I've decided since you and Jamal are my two best athletes I want you up against Yale." "You can't change the lineup!" "That's against the rules!" "What rules?" "Who cares?" "Do you care about the rules?" "CREW:" "No." "COACH:" "There you go." "MAN ON P.A.:" "In the far lane, we have Yale." "In the near lane, we have Harvard." "On your mark, get set and they're off!" "It's a clean start." "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "What are you doing, hip-hop hooray?" "Paddle!" "Paddle like a man!" "Shoot the J!" "Get jiggy with it." "Something." "MAN ON P.A.:" "They're blowing Harvard's ass out the water." "MRS. king:" "What is your ass doing rowing a boat?" "You supposed to be in class." "Who the hell is that woman in the sky?" "l don't know." "MRS. king:" "What's the matter?" "You been smoking too much ganja?" "BART:" "She's huge!" "I guess you might as well come back home and live with me." "Oh, hell, no!" "Did you cuss at me?" "JAMAL:" "Row, motherfucker, row!" "DEAN:" "Yes, Dean Cain." "Am I to believe this is correct?" "Jamal and Silas have gotten all "A's"?" "[Hip-hop instrumental music]" "I'll call you back." "How you doing, Dean?" "How you doing?" "How you been?" "I see you're checking out my gear, eh?" "Pretty tight, right?" "Actually, it's rather baggy." "No, man. lt's phat, dope, cool." "It's bufu, man." "Bill, what has happened to you?" "Sit down and take off those glasses." "All righty." "Tell me, how is Jamal doing?" "Oh, fine." "He's coming along." "Listen, Jamie's father is having an upcoming election and it won't look good if she's involved with someone from the lower class." "Isn't Jamie a freshman?" "You want me to tell Jamal to stop seeing Jamie?" "I could, but he'll tell me, "Hey, man--"" "Fuck you." "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Point well taken." "I need you to help me get proof that Jamal is diddling Jamie." "I see now, yes. lt's all good, yeah." "I'll go holler at him, son." "Oh, yeah." "Bill, did you just call me "son"?" "Word." ""Word"?" "JAMAL:" "Stroke, smoke." "Stroke, smoke." "COACH:" "Good." "JAMAL:" "Stroke, smoke." "Stroke, smoke." "Stroke, smoke." "If Dean Cain think he can kick me out the school that easy..." "...he got another thing coming." "What an asshole." "Coach, thanks a lot, man. I owe you." "[Jamie cooing]" "Listen, Jamie." "Me and you can't see each other no more." "No more dating, no more fooling around." "None of that." "Stop." "That's it." "Yes, it's probably better if we stop seeing each other for the sake of my father's campaign." "If he lost the election and it was my fault gosh, golly, that would be so hard on me." "[Both moaning]" "I don't think I could live with myself." "Baby, maybe it would be better if you went to school down south." "[Jamal laughing on radio]" "JAMAL:" "You should go down south first!" "This guy's a real asshole." "JEFFREY:" "I can't. I can't do it, all right?" "SlLAS:" "Get your ass over here!" "We've work to do before Dean Dickhead gets back." "JEFFREY:" "Okay!" "SlLAS:" "Come on!" "[Mysterious instrumental music]" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "TUAN:" "Aren't you worried about getting kicked out?" "SlLAS:" "For this?" "He'll never find out." "Relax." "[Silas making birdcalling sounds]" "TUAN:" "What happen to bird?" "Crazy shitting everywhere?" "SlLAS:" "Crazy shit, all right, and it will be everywhere." "With that, they just won't shit." "Yeah." "They're gonna blow up." "[All shouting]" "And, as for you two ever since you arrived on this campus, there have been several mishaps." "Now, my instincts tell me it's you, but I can't prove it." "Not yet." "I know if I give you enough time, pretty soon you're going to slip up and then I'll be able to send you back to your miserable existence." "What the hell are you wearing?" "Bufu!" "Bufu?" ""By Us, Fuck You!"" "Get out!" "Out!" ""By Us, Fuck You."" "JAMAL:" "If the chancellor throws a Halloween party, wait till Harvard see our party!" "SlLAS:" "If Dean Cain find out about this shit, he gonna be mad as a motherfucker." "JAMAL:" "What the fuck is he gonna do?" "We've got the lvory making straight "A's."" "We've got this motherfucker." "They look like they got money." "They are kinda cute." "HELLA BACK:" "Girl, we gonna get paid!" "[Girls laughing]" "END TABLE ASS:" "How you doing?" "HELLA BACK:" "For real!" "End Table Ass!" "Hella Back!" "Where's the party?" "We're trying to get a party on." "We having a party." "Costume party at the Lovell House." "1 1:00 p.m." "Please bring your ass and titties along with you." "We want all the hos out here to come." "Did you just call us hos?" "l meant that in a good way." "Okay." "Bring all your horny friends." "There you go." "Just bring all the hos." "Y'all gonna pay us, right?" "l don't hear nothing." "Yeah, we got dough." "We got dough. lf not, our best friends got it." "And if not, their best friends got it." "Yeah, we gonna come." "Ballers and stuff gonna be there?" "Ass, titties, ballers." "Come on, girl!" "[Exclaiming excitedly]" "END TABLE ASS:" "We'll be there." "JAMAL:" "All right!" "[Both exclaiming]" "Popcorn player." "[Hip-hop instrumental music]" "SlLAS:" "I got one more delivery to make." "Guess who used to be black?" "TUAN:" "Dean Cain." "But he is black." "Like a polar bear, but I got a recipe that'll inject some ghetto back in his ass." "Got some more beer." "What did you do to yourself?" "Oh, the Fox Club." "They put me in a shopping cart and shoved me down a hill." "Thank God I fell out before I hit the freeway." "What are you doing?" "Put the milk back!" "You're not supposed to steal from us!" "Why are you always taking violent tones with people?" "Shut up before I kick your ass." "As human beings, we should be able to talk this out, not resort to violence." "How you gonna talk when you shutting up?" "Fine!" "Fine!" "Want some violence?" "Want a piece of this?" "Come on!" "I'll show you some violence!" "[Screaming]" "Oh, God!" "Now go to time out." "Go to your room." "[Jeffrey panting]" "[Doorbell ringing] I wonder who this could be." "Oh, my goodness." "Honey, look at this." "I wonder who these are from." ""Dear Carl, saw these and thought of you." ""Love, Mrs. Ray."" "It's my old schoolmarm!" "I haven't heard from her in years!" "Oh, how sweet." "She knows I love brownies." "A little piece of heaven." "Better than mine?" "l don't remember you cooking brownies." "Right, I don't." "Hurry up, darling." "You'll make us late, you know I hate to be late." "Hurry!" "All right. I'll take these upstairs." "I'll have another one." "They're great." "Throw me a beer, you big weenie!" "[This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan playing]" "[Partygoers shouting and whooping]" "Lovell House!" "[Donkey brays]" "Cypress Hill." "What up, fellas?" "What's up?" "How was the trip?" "Good." "Good." "I see Muggs couldn't make it, so I brought I Need Money." "ls he any good?" "He don't talk." "He speaks with his hands." "Right." "You have a good show. I'm out." "Don't fuck up tonight, all right?" "What the fuck is the plate for, man?" "Gonna be a long night." "[Lounge music playing]" "How are you?" "Wonderful." "Ms. Janowitz, from the chemistry department." "Ms. Lovell, from administration." "And of course you know my wife." "I almost didn't recognize you. I thought you'd brought a model." "You look lovely." "Yeah, the bitch is fine, isn't she?" "What?" "Can you at least feign some interest?" "You're embarrassing me." "Will you loosen up?" "You're so stiff sometimes." "Stiff?" "Bart, this party is stiff." "Excuse me, can you hold this?" "I'm hot." "Can you put this back on, actually?" "Your butt is sticking out." "What?" "What a jerk!" "HUNTLEY:" "Don't spoil your appetite." "We're having lobster bisque and Indian pudding that doesn't stop." "I got the munchies like a motherfucker." "Hold this, baby." "He seems unusual tonight." "He's dehydrated." "[Slow dance music playing]" "Dance!" "Yo, baby, this is boring as hell!" "Yo, deejay!" "Hit me!" "[Upbeat dance music plays]" "I told you I had you covered." "There go the two big ballers right there." "JAMAL:" "You two stay put." "JEFFREY:" "I'm gonna hurt you!" "[Silas intervening]" "Yo, J. Yo, T." "See those two fine-ass hos right there?" "Don't you wish they were really hos and they came over here and said:" ""We want to run a dick-sucking marathon with y'all two"?" "Yeah, I'd like that." "Me, too!" "Okay." "You and you." "END TABLE ASS:" "We want to run a dick-suckin' marathon with y'all." "I'm not that good at it." "Baby, I ain't laughing." "I'm gonna make you mine." "JEFFREY:" "Smells good." "HELLA BACK:" "Pretty boy-looking motherfucker." "Hey, don't be scared. lt's only pussy." "HELLA BACK:" "Don't be scared." "I got two inches of hard dick!" "I'll work with you, baby." "Come on." "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "BABY POWDER: "Costume party." "Place:" "Lovell House." "Time:" "Friday."" "BABY POWDER:" "It's Friday." "BABY wipe:" "She told Cocoa Butter." "These bitches better be getting my money." "Hella Back is my bottom bitch." "You know that, right?" "Right." "Powder." "Bitch better be out here checking my motherfucking money." "Don't cuss when I'm trying to listen to the Word." "The Lord don't like that." "What did I say?" "You said "bitch." That ain't in the Bible." "I know, bitch." "Neither is "motherfucker." So drive this motherfucking car!" "And you an assistant pimp." "You ain't even a real pimp." "You supposed to be cosigning to the shit I say." "Want to lose your job?" "I'll pull your fucking application." "Let's practice." "Where's my bitches?" "Where's my bitches?" "You gotta say it together." "It goes in together." "Where's my bitches?" "Check this out." "Where's my bitches?" "Can't you just say employees?" "What about your employees?" "No, fuck that!" "[Rap music playing]" "Great ass!" "[Rapping]" "CROWD: [Chanting] Go, go, go!" "Hi, Silas." "Hey!" "Let me ask you a question." "Don't laugh, but...." "Does my ass look fat?" "No. I say, put another one on the front, and I'll slap both them motherfuckers." "[Both laughing]" "Here." "Peer pressure, peer pressure...." "Come on." "Let me holler at you." "Okay." "That's my song!" "What's this?" "You got a big sword, baby!" "I have to go prepare." "You ain't got to do shit, baby except climb out of this costume and climb into some pussy, baby." "TUAN:" "You have to appreciate the colorful use of English language." "Give me that Chinese egg roll fuck!" "TUAN:" "I love America!" "[Upbeat rap music plays]" "Let it be something he's involved in, and I better be the biggest cheerleader." "He's a huge baby!" "l hear you with your fine ass." "But pass the blunt!" "Damn, you hogging the whole shit!" "I'm sorry." "[Coughing] I must be buzzed. I'm babbling." "You know, you surprised me by getting high." "I'm not that much of a square, Silas." "I did do it once in high school." "What about you?" "We all have secrets." "If you act right, I might just let you in my head one day." "Whatever." "But I ain't saying shit on the first date." "Who said this was a date?" "You smoked my weed, didn't you?" "We almost kissed, didn't we?" "We did not." "Yes, we did." "We did not." "Here, hit this." "[Lauren gasping]" "My bad." "Did I spoil the moment?" "I can't help it, though." "You know what?" "Them shits was talking to me." "Oh, my God, look at them." "Turn the headlights off!" "I'm gonna tell you something." "This pimping I got came from a family trait." "My granddaddy was a pimp." "My great-great-great-granddaddy was a pimp." "I'm talking about pimping been since pimping...." "lt's in your bloodline." "lt's in my blood and you'll never be that." "Why?" "Because you was born all the people in your family were assistant pimps." "BABY wipe:" "Assistant pimp?" "I never said that." "I thought the Lord chose you." "If it hadn't been for the Lord, I wouldn't have had a now nothing bitch come into my life." "Not now never?" "Not now nothing bitch!" "Nobody say that now nothing like you say that...." "Not now nothing bitch." "I still don't know what the shit means, but it sounds good!" "Now nothing mean "don't get a now nothing."" "BABY wipe:" "Now nothing?" "BABY POWDER:" "A now nothing out of them." "Bitch, shut up and drive this fucking car." "[Party Up by DMX playing]" "Raging party with open beer cans in hallway." "What's this?" "Sterilize hands tonight with antibacterial cream many times." "What do we have here?" "Nothing." "Multi-socket extension cubes." "This is against campus fire code, Section 17 43:" ""Thou shalt not allow multi-socket extension cubes in dorm rooms."" "The extension cords are intertwined in the most flammable of ways." "They produce an immense amount of heat." "They could cause an ignition at any point and...." "Well, I'll be damned." "What is that?" "It's just a baby." "[Crying]" "[Making baby noises]" "It's no damn baby." "What kind of shit is hanging out the back?" "I need to get her home." "BABY wipe:" "Where you going?" "BABY POWDER:" "Come on." "BABY POWDER:" "Where them motherfucking bitches at?" "Look at that little bitty bitch." "Look." "Hey, little bitty bitch." "You little bitch, you better get off of me." "Where's my bitches?" "[Knocking on door]" "TUAN:" "Yo, what's up, homey?" "Where my bitches at?" "Where are our bitches?" "You got the voice down, but those outfits no good." "What's wrong with my shit?" "Homey, please." "Your Halloween costume." "If you pimp, you broke pimp." "You know you're fucked up, Woody." "Come on with it." "TUAN:" "Baby powder?" "BABY wipe:" "He knows what that is." "You changing diapers?" "[Coughing] [Instrumental guitar music]" "[Laughing]" "[Music stops]" "[Women screaming]" "What the fuck is all this?" "What y'all three bitches want?" "Tell them, Powder!" "We already got pussy." "Come back later." "I'm about to knock you the fuck out." "I'm gonna do the knocking out." "Come on with it." "[Heavy rock music plays]" "[People screaming]" "Where you going?" "You gotta stay." "A party ain't a party without you." "BABY POWDER:" "Damn, you smelly little fucker!" "Plus, there's no room in the limo!" "I'll be back for you, man." "You ain't gonna need that." "SlLAS:" "Cops!" "Somebody owes me for one night's worth of flat-back fucking up in here!" "[Women giggling]" "This is exhilarating." "But don't get the wrong idea." "We have never done anything like this before." "We're virgins." "Yeah, both of us." "Molly and I are really into D'Angelo." "Do you have any?" "Ain't that a...." "Hell, no, we ain't got no...." "While you're sitting in this car, you don't run shit." "Tell them, Powder." "Dick drives this car, not pussy." "[Both laughing]" "You think it's funny, bitch?" "This is pimping here." "I been on Wheel of Fortune, Price is Right." "Bitch, come on with it." "BABY wipe:" "You'd rather piss off a barracuda than Powder." "That's funny?" "Keep on laughing." "Bring your face over here." "BABY POWDER:" "Play that shit!" "[Both giggle excitedly]" "JAMAL:" "Man, come on." "You act like I took it." "We'll just get some more." "SlLAS:" "Man, ain't no more." "All of ivory's ashes were in that plant." "Let's see what the Dean stick-up-his-ass wants." "He probably gonna curse us out about that wild-ass party." "Man, that party was not that wild." "[Donkey snoring]" "lt did get a little out of hand." "See what I'm saying?" "Sex novelties, obscenity, fighting indecent exposure rock bands, without a permit." "Welcome, gentlemen, to academic probation." "Damn, who gonna be our P.O.?" "How charmingly ghetto." "You're dismissed." "We ain't got no ivory we're about to get kicked the fuck out of here and what the fuck are you doing?" "I'm working on my truth serum." "Why you gotta sound belligerent about my shit anyway?" "JAMAL:" "Belligerent?" "SlLAS:" "Yeah, belligerent." "As in abusive or truculent." "[Laughing]" "JAMAL:" "You keep on using them big-ass Harvard words and your ghetto pass is gonna get revoked, buddy." "SlLAS:" "Why not go get a book or something?" "If I get this shit right, I get an "A" in botany class." "Motherfucker." "TUAN:" "When I was 12, I used to love watching my dogs hump." "We used to have a good time." "[Tuan squealing]" "[Jamal shouts]" "[Both exclaiming]" "What the fuck is that?" "I'm gonna have to tweak this shit a little." "Me hungry." "I say we burn them books go to the graveyard, find us a smart dead guy and smoke his skeleton ass." "We sit down, blaze up hit the books for a few hours a day, we got this." "I'm telling you." "We don't need no smart dead guy." "That's what I'm talking about." "Light that shit up." "Hit them books!" "[Funky rap music plays]" "[Jeffrey screaming]" "JAMAL:" "These are our midterms?" "SlLAS:" "See what I'm saying?" "All "F's," son." "We are fucked." "How did I fail women's studies?" "I love bitches!" "[Wolf howling]" "[Mellow instrumental music]" "What are we doing?" "Looking for a smart dead guy." "JEFFREY:" "Guys, hey!" "This guy'll do." "He's a president." "JAMAL:" "Yeah, he should know all the answers." "Answers?" "What are you talking about?" "Wait!" "You can't dig up somebody's grave!" "That's disgusting!" "You don't think there's anything wrong with this?" "You guys are fucked up!" "What are you gonna do with this now?" "Shit!" "[All coughing]" "SlLAS:" "Stop acting like a bitch!" "Get the body." "[Jeffrey coughing and retching]" "SlLAS:" "What the fuck are you doing?" "SlLAS:" "Get the body." "JAMAL:" "You should have more respect for an ex-president, asshole." "SlLAS:" "Come on." "Put this shit on your back." "JEFFREY:" "Oh, God!" "No!" "SlLAS:" "Shut up before I smack the shit out of you." "JAMAL:" "Come on, come on." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "Oh, my God. lt's so good." "Fly!" "Yo, Silas." "What's up, dog?" "[Gerald whimpering]" "Who are you?" "Do you see me?" "Ivory:" "Relax!" "GERALD:" "Open, window!" "Yo, what the fuck are we gonna do now?" "Fuck you think we gonna do?" "We gonna smoke his ass then we'll start asking questions." "Wait a minute." "Didn't you put the ashes in the soil before you grew the plant?" "We ain't got no time for that shit." "We gotta grind him now." "Get this arm." "JAMAL:" "No." "Wait!" "This is a motherfucking president, man." "What the fuck are we doing?" "You want to stay in Harvard, or what?" "[Jamal protesting] I Need Money, did you check him for any jewelry, money, or anything?" "Fuck all that, man." "Listen, I'm cutting this arm now." "[All shouting]" "[All coughing]" "Get the arm!" "Get the arm, man." "Y'all calm down!" "We got this." "Calm down." "JEFFREY:" "This is insane." "[All shouting]" "You're a nasty motherfucker!" "[All screaming]" "JEFFREY:" "I can't smoke a finger!" "[Coughing]" "This shit's not working." "[Gerald laughing]" "What up, bro?" "I didn't know that you guys were gonna be here." "I saved your plant." "What did you do to it?" "This is a special plant." "l know." "You stole our plant!" "He already stole your plant." "Silas, this idiot smoked up all the plant." "You'll have to study on your own." "They can't hear or see me." "Tell them!" "Well, you know, someone else was breaking in here." "I caught them." "You can give me a reward, like more of the plant." "Man, we ain't got no more goddamn plant!" "Hogging all the good shit." "Okay, that's fine!" "Let's go, Ivory." "Wait. Ivory here?" "Yeah, maybe." "Ivory:" "Repeat after me." "GERALD:" "Repeat after me." "Yo, dog." "Yo, zog." "Ivory:" "Dog." "GERALD:" "Zog." "Ivory:" "You idiot." "GERALD:" "You idiot!" "l'm disappearing." "l'm disappearing." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "SlLAS:" "This reminds me of my lab back at the crib." "l have some of the same stuff." "How'd you get that?" "SlLAS:" "I stole it." "DEAN:" "Just place them on the wall there." "Well, well, well." "Never thought I'd find you two ghetto asses up in here studying." ""Ghetto asses"?" "Did I say that?" "It must be the effects of the brownies you sent me." "They must still be in my system." "Lauren." "How's the project coming?" "Fine." "As a matter of fact, I'm going to check on that right now." "I got to go." "Yo, Dean." "Why you gotta be a hater?" "Oh, yes. I'm a hater." "I hate pot-smoking punks that think that everything should just be given to them." "You two are an absolute disgrace to this university." "Yo, Dean, man, what are those?" "These?" "These are invitations to the alumni celebration in which the vice president will be attending." "Lauren will be unveiling her Benjamin Franklin experiment." "Certain students will be invited, those that pass their finals." "SlLAS:" "For real?" "DEAN:" "You won't pass your finals." "You'll fail and then I'll have you out of my hair and out of Harvard." "[Chuckling]" "Happy studying, gentlemen." "Fuck!" "I'm trying to do my thing. lt's pimping here." "HELLA BACK:" "When you gonna pay us?" "BABY POWDER:" "I got a $25 money order- $25?" "Money order?" "That you bitches can split." "Who you calling a bitch, bitch?" "Come on with it." "l got you." "BABY POWDER:" "If it ain't "Rice Puff Daddy." BABY wipe:" "No, Powder." "That's "Run MSG."" "Hey, what you listening to, brother?" "Wu-Tang." "[Rapping] "Wu-Tang!" "Wu-Tang!" "I came to bring the pain!" ""Hardcore to the pain!"" "We don't listen to that Chinese shit." "We do this." "HELLA BACK:" "You guys!" "You need to sit down." "I'll round them motherfucking almond eyes of yours out, understand?" "Hold on, Powder." "Let's not get ignorant." "Maybe he just came to pay our money." "No, actually, I come for your girls." "Actually, you'll come back and give me them two duck sauces your mama" "Let me get my stinking blade out." "Let me get my blade." "Come on, bitch." "Man, it was two egg rolls, not duck sauce." "[Car alarm sounds]" "Who the bitch now, bitch?" "Bitch!" "I need to slap my goddamn self for that." "Pimps go through this kind of shit from time to time." "[Chuckling]" "[Phone ringing]" "Yes, Dean Cain here." "Yes, I did receive them." "As a matter of fact, I was just going over Silas and Jamal's grades and I see they're all "F's."" "Yes. I agree." "Very sad." "Very sad, indeed." "Yes. I'll speak to you later." "Bye-bye." "Yes!" "[Laughing]" "Dean Cain expects us off campus by Monday." "It went that bad in botany class?" "Kid lost about 15 pounds of fluid." "And that was just from the mouth." "And I'm still below a 2.0." "Man, we gonna get kicked the fuck out this school." "Maybe I can go back to being your manager and you strip at that club again like you used to." "JEFFREY:" "You can't give up." "You can't let the Dean win." "Did Cmd." "Riker give up when the Borg infiltrated the Starship Enterprise and Capt. Picard came back half robot?" "The Borgs?" "They're here!" "Oh, God." "Run for your life!" "[Gerald screaming]" "My point is" "My point is shut the fuck up!" "It's over." "And we out of here." "Wash my hands." "Silas, man, you can't give up." "If you get this botany grade changed, they have to keep you." "Yeah, my truth serum." "l gotta fix it." "Yo!" "That's right." "[Funky rap music plays]" "JEFFREY:" "Here's your coffee." "[Chuckling]" "[Jazz music plays]" "Nice to see you." "Listen, I think I have a solution to your little problem." "No. I already got the prescription filled." "Not that problem." "I'm talking about the boys." "Those rejects have been rejected." "JAMAL:" "Yo, Dean Cain, look who's back!" "Holler." "HUNTLEY:" "What a surprise." "Look who's here." "DEAN:" "How exciting." "We weren't expecting you, but you're right on time." "Let's go meet the next likely leader of the free world." "What are you two doing here?" "Couldn't have my future ex-wife show up to some big-wig event without her daddy on her arm." "Ain't that right, baby?" "Right, daddy." "Old friends, fellow alums it's wonderful being back here at Harvard where l get to see my beautiful daughter." "Hi, honey." "Hi, Daddy." "Daddy?" "This is Jamal." "Jamal, this is my dad." "Mr. President. I call you Mr. President because I know you'll rock this election." "I hope you're right, son." "Camera." "[Jazz music plays]" "SlLAS:" "All right, Ivory." "This is the last of you." "Do your stuff." "Professor!" "What's going on?" "Nice to see you again." "Listen, tonight I got a feeling you'll see my experiment work." "I hope we don't have to pass out any barf bags." "Don't even worry about that." "I found my secret ingredient." "By adding a little bit of chro" " Cannabis I was able to counteract the nausea." "WOOD:" "I'm proud of you." "SlLAS:" "Thank you, Professor." "Thank you." "l actually feel wonderful." "lsn't he great, Daddy?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "He's great." "He's great." "[All laughing]" "Can we get more service?" "Here's your dad after a frat party." "We don't want the dean to get his panties in a bunch." "HUNTLEY:" "He might want a spanking!" "MRS. CAlN:" "Sit down." "Wait a minute. I know you two ain't here playing grab ass while I'm entertaining my future vanilla-villa father, are you?" "BOTH:" "Oh, yeah!" "Look!" "The serum working, man." "They high, dog." "Look!" "I got something to tell you." "Man, I been pinching your weed off." "What you telling me for?" "Damn." "I don't know." "I guess it's that new serum, man." "l'm sorry." "lt's okay." "Don't worry about it." "It ain't all right. I been taking your CDs." "I been using your weed pipes." "I even been looking at Lauren's ass a couple of times, man." "She's fine!" "And if she gave me the chance, I'd rush that ass till she show me what" "[Protesting]" "Jamal, I'll take that as a compliment." "LAUREN:" "Thank you." "We all know that Harvard has been honored to host some of Benjamin Franklin's artifacts, which I found like this cannon-like article back here." "Later, you can take note of the foot-operated carburetor the reservoir, and the top-loading bud bowl." "Ladies and gentlemen, Harvard is now the proud owner of America's first bong!" "[All gasping]" "DEAN:" "A bong?" "This is outrageous!" "If Benjamin Franklin were here today he would deny and denounce any claim to these so-called findings." "I'm gonna have to disagree on that." "Yo, Ben, tell this fool." "is that a bong or what?" "franklin:" "Yep. lt's the liberty bong." "Light that shit." "Smoke that shit, pass that shit." "Smoke that shit, pass that shit." "Ivory:" "Yo, you gotta come to this party, Ben." "Come on, man." "Smoke." "Gerald!" "[Water bubbling]" "Oh, yeah!" "[All laughing]" "This is insane!" "What are you laughing at?" "Dean, I have had it with your uptight..." "HUNTLEY: ...self-serving, over-opinionated ass!" "JAMAL:" "Get him!" "In short, you are fired!" "Hit the bricks, dog!" "[The Payback by James Brown plays]" "ALL: "The big payback!"" "Silas!" "Jamal!" "Look like you did it, dog." "You got a new serum, man." "You gonna be an herbal scientist, my brother." "We turned this place upside down, didn't we?" "Did we!" "SlLAS:" "Amazing what two brothers from the P.J. can do with just a bit of opportunity." "Word." "Holler at you, dog." "l will, man." "[People screaming]" "MAN:" "Secret Service!" "[Silas protesting]" "Ease up on the black-on-black crime, bro." "[All gasping]" "This motherfucker that messed up my shit!" "DEAN:" "Back up!" "Back up!" "You better give me three feet!" "[Silas and Jamal shouting]" "[Dean screaming]" "Get up." "Cool." "SlLAS:" "Take him away." "DEAN:" "Hands off!" "Do you realize who I am?" "DEAN:" "What you looking at?" "JAMAL:" "I Need Money!" "You talk!" "Why, yes, Jamal." "It is somewhat of a surprise to me, also." "Lord, it's a gift!" "It's a gift from above!" "Make you float like a dove!" "Make you scream like Michael in a rhinestone glove." "Lord, Lord, Lord." "Popcorn player." "Popcorn player." "[Water bubbling]" "[Coughing] I didn't inhale!" "God, this is the wildest time I've ever had." "You won't mind that I'm banging your daughter on the regular?" "No, no!" "Not at all." "Good, because Jamal's gonna be my baby's daddy." "Son, welcome to the family." "Daddy!" "Silas, your experiment was a success." "Your serum worked and you're going to get an "A" in my course." "So that means I get to stay?" "You betcha!" "You can stay as long as it takes you to graduate, I don't care." "Right, ladies?" "Shall we, ladies?" "BART:" "Hey, down here!" "This is not happening!" "Lauren, you are coming with me!" "Honey, you have never satisfied me." "[Gasping]" "Silas?" "But I can." "[Funky music plays]" "The day you lay off is the day you pay off." "We came to get our bitches, but if they ain't here we gonna get those intellect bitches and start our own new stable." "Feel me?" "Just keep it pimpalicious." "Keep it pimpalicious!" "Powder, what are you doing here?" "What are you doing in here?" "I've been rolling this joint for 20 years." "But if these people knew I was using your dial-a-ho service they might not understand." "You're one of my biggest customers." "You like hand-jobs fat bitches pissing on you all the time." "HUNTLEY:" "I like the ladies." "BABY POWDER:" "Licking poodle feet and shit." "Stop it right there." "Have you ever been to college?" "Yeah, two years pussyology." "Academia. I like it." "Give me a call next week." "I think we can work something out." "Today's class is called Pimpology I and ll." "I'm one, that's two." "That's what your ass will be if you don't pass this class." "It got to come out right!" "If it don't come out right you won't get to pimp tonight!" "BABY POWDER:" "Where my bitches?" "CLASS:" "Where my bitches?" "Come on with it and let it fly!" "Not yourselves!" "Shit!" "That was deep!" "That was deep." "MALE CREW MEMBER:" "B-cam roll." "FEMALE CREW MEMBER: "B" marker." "director:" "Cut!" "And another thing, I forgot my motherfucking line!" "Yo, stop doing that shit, dog." "You can't be laughing at me." "Fuck my close-up up, nigger." "They know we stole the...." "What is that?" "I knew it." "You guys and your lies." "SlLAS:" "Can I get some pussy?" "LAUREN:" "Sure." "Come on in." "I told you we should have went to UCLA." "You know damn well, I'm about to go stick my dick in a thermos or something." "SlLAS:" "Puffs for purgatory." "For everyone." "Line them up!" "SlLAS:" "Puffs for purgatory, baby!" "SATANlST:" "Puffs for purgatory." "See each other no more." "I mean, the fucking around" "Shit!" "[Sneezing]" "[Funky instrumental music plays]" "I pledge allegiance to the pimp of the United Pimps of America." "[All gasping]" "SlLAS:" "Come on, you fuckers!" "Call action!" "SlLAS:" "I don't give a fuck if it breaks!" "You hear me?" "Goddamn it!" "Turn that goddamn water off!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut." "Cut." "Cut!" "JAMAL:" "The movie's over!" "SlLAS:" "Go home!" "JAMAL:" "Go home!" "I NEED MONEY:" "Why don't y'all wanna leave?" "[How High II by Method Man and Redman plays]" "Subtitles by SOFTlTLER"