"Hey, dad." "What do you... what do you think of these pants, hmm?" "Too tight?" "Well, they're not tight around the ankle." "I'm just thinking about a change of style, you know?" "Yeah, do you have a plan?" "I mean, you wanna..." "You wanna change?" "I think it starts with the look." "It starts with the clothes." "Then you can go underneath the clothes." "Yeah, but I think you should make a choice about the pants." "You should either get 'em all the way on or take 'em off, because this half... this open-at-the-waist thing..." "It's kind of a style in itself, dad." "Y'know, half on, half off." "Is it uncomfortable to zip them all the way up and button them?" "Is it too tight?" " Yeah, it's a little bit tight." " Yeah." "Dad, I know you're gonna think it's superficial to use accessories to develop a personality, but you gotta start somewhere, y'know?" "What about a cane, hmm?" " A walking stick?" " I don't think so." "A white linen suit, hmm?" " A white linen suit is nice." " Really?" "But it's seasonal." "You can't wear it before Memorial Day." "Why all the rules?" "That's the thing about fashion." "There are all these rules that..." "That's the thing..." "I'm gonna break the rules." "I'm gonna wear linen off-season." "What about just a nervous tick?" " Just like a twitch?" " Yeah." "What if I just developed really bad allergies, huh?" "Always had an inhaler and a drippy nose?" "Yeah, those are all gimmicks." "Those are all contrivances, those are..." "Maybe a parrot and a peg leg." "I could be very popular just in this neighborhood." "And I could walk around and call everyone "Cap'n."" "Morning, cap'n." "That's not a good idea." "Good morning, cap'n." "Yeah, did you wanna see me?" "Yes, Laura, I need your opinion on something." "Oh, Dr. Katz, I really wish you didn't." "Well, I was thinking about rearranging the furniture, and I thought that you might have some ideas." "No." "Well, tell me what you think if I was to put the couch over here and the desk over there." "Just see what I'm talking about?" "Yeah." "Well, I think that it's good, but when you open the drawer, you're gonna hit the patient in the head." "You know what..." "You're right." "But that could be good." "Hi, I'm Kevin Nealon." "I have a 2:00 with Dr. Katz." "Mm-hmm." "Is he usually pretty busy?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Okay, thank you very much." "I know I'm a little late." "I was caught in traffic out here and, uh..." "Could you take a seat, please?" "Okay, do I need to fill out any forms?" "I don't know." " He has them?" " No." "Okay, 'cause I never filled anything out." "Maybe your last therapist sent them over." "I've never been to another therapist." "Maybe he got it from my dentist." "Maybe." "So he has my dental charts?" "Yeah." "That'll help." "Oh, yeah." "I've been married six years." "You know, I got married after a two-year..." "I wanna say argument..." "Engagement, engagement." "But I had dated enough, and then I finally met that miss right, you know?" "Miss always right." "And I thought that was the one." "Yeah, it's difficult." "I met my wife at a costume party one Halloween." "She came as a slinky." "That was her outfit." "And I remember the first time I saw her." "Oh, she was coming down the stairs, y'know?" "She was amazing." "She was like taking two at a time." "She was pretty good." "And we got to talking, and it turns out that she works as a stunt woman in Hollywood, which is very convenient for me..." "Like after a date, when I went to drop her off," "I didn't have to stop the car or anything." "Y'know, right by her house and she was gone." "The trip to Hawaii was just fantastic." "Great." "Stayed in this cute little hotel." "They even put me in the honeymoon suite." "It was the only room available." "I was staying with a nice couple from Nebraska." "I got some good shots on that trip." "Good pictures." "And I found this beautiful beach, too." "It was, like, right on the water." "Sounds wonderful." "Oh, it was just incredible." "And I went out on a whale-watching boat." "The captain even let me steer the ship." "That was fun." "I wasn't crazy about sitting on his lap, but I did okay." "I like cold weather." "In the winter I like to sleep with my windows open with a lot of blankets." "That's cozy..." "I like to do that." "And then in the summer I like to crank the air conditioner all the way up, open up the windows, and then sleep out in the backyard." "You get that draft coming out of the house." "Oh, baby, that's nice." "I like the winter." "I tried cross-country skiing last winter." "That is a tough sport right there." "Here's a little tip, if you're gonna try it:" "Start off with a small country, and go the width, not the length." "And Chile's a good beginner's country, 'cause it's only about this wide." "I get older..." "I don't know what it is." "I don't have the drive I used to have." "I don't..." "The big thing in this country..." "You've gotta be number one, man." "Everybody's gotta be number one." ""Woo, number one!" "We're number one!"" "I don't know." "It's just gotten to a point where it's ridiculous now." "You watch a football game..." "There's always the camera on some big fat guy in the stands, drinking a beer, sticking his finger in the camera." ""We're number one!"" "Well, you're a little confused." "See, they're number one." "You're fat and drunk." "Do you see the difference at all?" "I don't wanna be first..." "I don't." "I tried to be first." "It just didn't work out for me, so..." "You know what I wanna be?" "I wanna be next." "Yeah, I wanna be next." "I like the feeling of being next." " Do you know that feeling?" " Sure." "When the guy in front of you in line suddenly moves up, and you realize," ""All right, I'm next!"" "Hey, Laura." "Take a sweet look at sweet me." "Sweetie, how are you, sweets?" " Don't say that." " I'm sorry." "It's a new way of talking." "Just add "sweet" to everything." "Oh." "Yeah, I'm trying to perk up a little bit." "I think sometimes I'm a downer." "Plus, it's, y'know, the nervous tension here." "Phew..." "I screwed up, huh, didn't I?" "Is there a reason why you're here?" "I just stopped by to show myself off." "I'm like a thoroughbred." "I need to be seen." "If it were the old days, I'd be brought around in a train, in a cage." " I'd be..." " Ben, Ben..." "I'd go through all the cities and a guy would bring me out with a collar and a chain and I'd be half nude, and he'd say, "Look at the freak!"" "No, I'm kidding." "Do you have kids, doctor?" "Yes, I have a son." "Yeah." "My... y'know, my wife and I waited to have the kids, and so we..." "So my wife and I had a plan." "She wanted to do natural childbirth, natural." "Our plan was she was gonna go into the delivery room, squat in the corner, have the baby, then go finish her shift in the rice fields." "That was our plan." "My wife was in labor for 30 hours... 30." "At the end of the 30 hours, the doctor came to me and said," ""Jack, we had a problem."" ""Really?" "Yeah, 'cause I hadn't figured that out myself while I was watching the Today show for the second time."" "And he decides to do a c-section after 30 hours." "A c-section... this doctor who'd been so laid-back for 30 hours, saying, "Let her have the baby."" ""It's a natural process, let her have the baby."" "Now he starts screaming, "Get a surgeon on the phone." "Prep her up here." "Book an operating room." "I want her downstairs in a half-hour."" "He whips around to me, and he says, "You!" "Put on a surgical gown!" "Meet us downstairs!"" ""Me?" "What, are you, like, one guy short?" "What, did somebody call in sick?" "I'm a comedian!"" "Then they cut her open." "They cut my..." "I watched them cut her open." "I've never seen this." "I've known my wife for 15 years at this point." " Never seen her cut open." " Right." "She was lying down." "She had a little white curtain in front of her face she couldn't see what's happening." "I could see both sides." "Here she's smiling at me, here they've cut her open." "She keeps saying to me, "What are they doing?"" ""I'm not gonna tell you what they're doing."" "They pulled it out, and the doctor said," ""It's a boy!"" "And I said, "Honey, it's a boy!"" "And then I looked, and I got confused for a second because of that umbilical cord." "I thought, "Whoa!" "That's no boy!" "That's a man!"" "The second one's easier." "That first one, I was a mess." "The second one..." "Boy, I'm relaxed." "The second one's completely different." "The second one's in the car right now." "Yeah, I cracked a window." "I'm going out right after this... he's fine." "The first one, I actually signed up at the hospital for a class on how to give the baby a bath." "Yeah, the nurse came in and said," ""We're gonna give a class on bathing the baby down in the nurses' lounge." "Better hurry..." "Space is limited!" "Okay."" "I said to my wife, "Sign up, sign up for the class."" "I signed up... we went." "It was like they sucked the brain right out of my head." "It never occurred to me that I've taken several thousand baths myself, and I could just apply that knowledge to the baby." "My wife is totally into the breast-feeding..." "Completely." "She got one of those nursing bras." "Have you seen those?" " I have, yes." " Yeah." "It's got a snap on the cup." "Yeah, the cup..." "Pop... opens right up." "Hey, where have these been?" "I spent 17 years with my hand behind her back." "What is that?" "A button, a staple?" "A little help here!" "For him..." "Enjoy yourself!" "Oh, that's fair." "Anyway, do you notice anything different about me?" "No." "That's kind of why I came here." "I wanted to..." "I have sort of a new image today." "I'm constantly changing." "I'm like a chameleon." "So I wanted to see if you noticed." "It's pretty obvious." " Do you want me to step closer?" " No." "Here, let me turn sideways for profile." "Ben, just tell me what it is." "Look at the ear, like around the ear area." "Are you wearing an earring?" "Yes!" "Huh?" "What do you think?" "Pretty sexy, huh?" "There's something covering it." "What is that?" "That's the tape." "The tape?" "It's a tape-on." "Oh, a tape-on." "Yeah, they don't make clip-ons anymore." " Wow." " You gotta do it yourself." " Hey, dad." " Hey, Ben." "How you doing?" "Um, Ben, you got tape on your ear." "Oh, that's... you noticed." "Yes." "Well, it's not just tape, dad." "It's partially tape." "And take a closer look underneath the tape." "What is that?" "Is that an infection?" "It's an earring!" "It's a... yeah." "Hey, you're not rebelling, are you?" "Against what?" "Ha... that's true." "I don't have time for that, dad." "This is just a look you're experimenting with?" "Remember we were talking this morning about finding a new image for me, your son, Ben?" "And this is until you find one?" "This is part of a new-and-improved Ben, a Ben for the people." "I like the old Ben." "I want my old Ben back." "I thought the old Ben was all right, but I'm telling you..." "You gotta change with the times..." "Can I be..." "Can I be brutally..." "Do you want my honest opinion?" "Um, is that the one where my feelings get hurt?" "I'm afraid so." "Well, what other sort of opinions do you have?" "Any real softer ones?" "I just don't know if an earring is the right look for you." "Remember how you felt when we went out to a restaurant two, three years ago, and I had the rug?" "Yeah, that bothered me." "Because your father was trying to what?" "Compensate for having no hair." "Yes." "And now my son is trying to what?" "Compensate for having no ears." "You're a grown man." "I just don't know why you wanna..." "Why you wanna sabotage yourself this way." "Dad, I've got my hands up here and that means stop." "I'm gonna get the earring, and I'm gonna get it tomorrow morning." "Appointment at 9:30 A.M." "Yeah, remind me to set your alarm for 10:00." "I'm not gonna sleep through this one, dad." "You can't pull that trick on me." "Okay, I'm putting my hands up." " No, it doesn't mean stop." " Oh." "A different meaning, same gesture." "What does it mean?" "Look how clean my hands are." "Oh, okay." "I really don't like confrontations, so I avoid them at all costs, and I always give the benefit of the doubt." "Like the other day I was stopped at an intersection and a car came up and tapped into my bumper." "And like I said, I hate confrontations, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt." "I thought, "Okay, he just tapped into my bumper."" "Sure." "Well, the next thing I know, he's pushing me through the intersection, and I thought, "Okay, he's just pushing me through the intersection."" "Well, we get about 5 miles down the road, and I thought, "Okay, we're just 5 miles down the road." "That's all right."" "But you can go through your whole life like that and never take a stand." "So this is why I've made these moral decisions, and I think I'm a better person for it." "Hi, Laura, it's..." "I know who it is." "The calls are coming closer together." "Yeah, same guy, different booth." " How are you doing?" " Fine." " Hanging in there?" " Yeah." "Hang in there, baby." "Do you wanna talk to your dad?" " Yeah, is he available?" " No." "He's with a patient." "He'll be out in about an hour." "Do you wanna call back?" "No, no, no, I can stay and chat." "I'm at the mall." "I've got my appointment to get my ear pierced and I'm just... there's a..." "There's a brief hold-up." "Where did you get yours pierced?" "I'm just wondering..." "Maybe I should..." "I'm just starting to get second thoughts about this particular outlet." "'Cause it's called "Bloody ears."" "That's not a good sign." "And I'll tell you something..." "That's no way to advertise." "But I spoke to the manager, and he seemed to be very reassuring." "Okay." "What was his name?" "Dr. Festerpus." "Yeah, I have four cats." "I did have a dog once, and I was going to send him to obedience school, but he said, "No."" "But the cats are..." "I take 'em with me a lot of places, and I'll smuggle them onto the plane, 'cause you're only allowed to bring one on, actually, so I have four, so I'll smuggle them on," "and it's uncomfortable." "It's stressful." "What I do is I put them in a balloon and I swallow them, and then I crap 'em out later." "So it's stressful for me and for the cats, but it's worth it." "Are you getting cold feet?" " About the piercing?" " Yeah." " Me?" " Mm-hmm." "That's it..." "Take it back right now." "Y'know, I'll hold." "Ben, you're stalling." " I'm not stalling." " You're stalling." "What does that expression mean... "stalling"?" "That's a silly thing too." "I got my ears pierced when I was 10." "Did you go south of the border?" " No, pediatrician." " Is that legal?" "Yes." "That's a little early, a little premature to get..." "And, y'know..." "Well, you know, it's a cultural thing." "Where are you from, the islands?" "I gotta go, Ben." "Ben told me that he wants to get his ear pierced." "Oh, boy." "Oh, I think that's great." " You think it's great?" " Yeah!" "He got it pierced already?" " He has it taped on." " Oh, boy." "Well, Jonathan, he's just a kid." "I mean, you were young once, and you probably did some crazy things, right?" "Oh, sure, when I was in college," "I had my tubes tied." "But that's... y'know, everybody was doing it then." "Yeah... no, but didn't you..." "Katz, didn't you go to Woodstock?" "That was the plan, but I was worried about the parking." "Oh, yeah." "Well, what about all the, y'know, all the sex?" "Yeah, and all the drugs?" "I was worried about the parking." "Why?" "Are we talking about the same Woodstock?" "Hey, Ben." "Hey, dad." "Hey, hey, I'm looking..." "I don't see any earring." "Oh, you... oh, yeah, yeah, you noticed." "What happened?" "Well, I didn't..." "I was down at the mall and I sort of got caught up doing other things there." "I didn't quite have enough time to get the earring put in." "Is that really what happened, Ben?" "No, no." "Is it "Why didn't I listen to you in the first place, dad" time?" "I think you might have put some ideas in my head and you made me think twice." "Maybe I planted a seed, but you watered it." "It grew in your garden." "I helped it grow." "You nurtured it." "I talked to it." " You nourished it." " I gave it the necessary sunlight." " Hmm?" " Yep." "Y'know, but just because I didn't get the earring doesn't mean I'm not gonna change my image." "I mean, I did get this." "Hey, looks great, cap'n." "It's a raccoon cap!" "Ben, that's seasonal." "Man, it itches." "Yeah, I'm allergic to raccoon." "But, y'know, when I take it off, it leaves a great rash." "What do you think I wear this around?" "Do you know how many raccoons died to make that one hat?" " Do you know that?" " No, I don't." "One raccoon." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, that's no so bad a ratio." "I guess that's true." "It's good business sense." "You know how to tell if a raccoon is rabid, by the way?" "Um..." "Poke him in the eye." "Oh, no, that's how you make a venetian blind." " I'm sorry." " Oh, dad." "No, they shouldn't be out in the daytime unless they're sick." "That's right, unless you're wearing one." "I don't go out in the day either." "Don't get me wrong." "I'm a creature of the night." "I can tell I'm..." "You know how I can tell I'm getting old?" "Getting out of bed." "I can't get right out of bed in the morning." "I used to be able to get..." "When I was 18 or 19, two steps, two steps to getting out of bed." "You throw back the covers, you're out of the bed." "Now there's three steps." "Have you noticed this in your life?" "Yeah, now there's like a middle step inserted." "I throw back the covers, and then I actually sit on the side of the bed for a couple of minutes, just kind of thinking, "Whoo, whose house is this?"" "You know, wow." "And I wake up sore." "I'm sore from sleeping." "That's a good sign, huh?" "Boy, that laying in one spot for eight hours..." "That'll wear you out." "Did you ever wake up and you move your head around and there's stuff snapping in your neck?" "What's that?" "'Cause there's gotta be a finite number of those things." "When's the last one gonna snap?" "You're just gonna..." "Boom." ""Oh, jeez, oh, that's great." "I think I stripped it."" "That's why I like coming to your office, doctor." "'Cause it's not like a regular..." "When I go into a regular doctor's office, it's intimidating." "They like to intimidate you... they do!" "They leave you in there a long time." "That's why I like when I come here, y'know... boom..." "I'm in, you're there, we talk." "They leave you in that doctor's room a long time." "You notice you never get all the way naked?" "Have you ever noticed that?" "You always leave your watch and your socks on." "You don't want the doctor thinking you're hot for him." "You ever play with the equipment?" "You ever try to give yourself that blood-pressure test?" "No, I never have, no." "Do you ever get up to that thing on, strapped up, and pump that?" "Get it all pumped up, then you can't figure out how to release the pressure?" ""Agh, hey!" "Hey, a little help in here!"" "You have a big purple, bulging appendage." ""Help me, help me!"" "Uh, boy, you know, I gotta tell you..." "As I get older, I'm glad that I was born in this era, because I'm kind of a wimp, you know?" "I mean, I don't wanna fight." "There are still guys my age that wanna fight." "If somebody cuts me off in the car on the street and I beep at 'em, they're going, "Come on, come on!"" "They wanna fight me." "Like that's gonna fix it up." "I saw that Braveheart movie." " Did you see that?" " Yeah." "They're all fighting each other with sticks." "They would line up hundreds of guys, thousands, and then thousands on the other side, with sticks and paint." "You know what I thought while I was watching that movie?" "I would be so far back in that pack of people." "I would be the guy in the back, going," ""Go ahead, 'cause I'm gonna get coffee ready, 'cause when you're done hitting, you're gonna be thirsty." "Go!" "Did I drop my keys?" "Did I drop..." "Go ahead, fellas." "Because when I get up there with my stick," "I want the last guy on the other side standing to look add me and go, "eh, eh, forget it."" "My father, though, was..." "I've always got along well with my father." "That's great." "Sometimes he'd lose his temper, and he'd get very angry, but he would control it." "He would just slowly count to 100." "Then he would lift my head up out of the water." "I went to see a professional basketball game, the first one I've ever been to, not too long ago." "And you know they play full court?" "Yeah, the professionals, sure." "Yeah." "I read that a long time ago basketball courts used to be carpeted, and then somebody found out that there was some beautiful hardwood floors underneath the carpeting, so they fixed 'em up and left them that way." "Yeah, it's a much louder game now, but a little more exciting." "Less rug burns." "But it takes me a while, when I get up in the morning..." "It's like a computer." "You have to be booted up." "I think people should wake up normally, naturally, and that's when they should show up to work or school." "And if they're late, it's no big deal, y'know?" "Or they should have an alarm clock that wakes you up gradually." "A human voice that maybe says," ""Come on, buddy, get out of bed." "Come on, you got the whole day ahead of you." "You're looking good." "Come one, get out there." "Come on, it's beautiful out." "You get out of bed." "You get out of bed now before I kick you out of bed." "I'll kick you out of here so fast..."" "and then you hit the snooze alarm." ""Okay, buddy... sorry, pal." "Come on, buddy, get out of bed." "You're looking good."" "You know, something like that." "I just feel like I'm getting older, you know?" "My gums are starting to recede now." "You can't tell now 'cause I comb 'em forward." "But... so it's tough just finding out where you stand in life sometimes, y'know?" "But as you get older, you start realizing that life is very short." "One minute you're here and then the next minute..." "Y'know, you're still here, but I live every day like it's the last day of my life." "Every morning I wake up real early," "I spend maybe three hours on the phone, making funeral arrangements, and then I just sit back and I wait, 'cause you really don't know what's gonna happen." "Whoops... you know what the music means." "Our time is up."