"(jazz music plays)" "When I joined the C.I.A., I knew the deal." "If we make a mistake, we cover it up, like the time Dick accidentally created feline AIDS, and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats." "But this was different." "This was too big to cover." "And Bullock wanted blood." "Now, I'm only going to say this once." "I love Christmas!" "Okay, two numbers left in the Evil Santa gift swap." "Number 13." "Davenport, choose a gift from the table or take someone else's." "The Nicolas Cage stickers and tin of breadsticks thing is still extremely available for a steal." "(laughter)" "(chuckles) Tough luck, Duper." "Anyway, Davenport, you're up." "Uh, I'll pick." "We have a picker!" "It's a pizza-slice sleeping bag!" "And the crust is a sewn-in pillow." "He'll be king of the sleepover!" "(all chant "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!")" "A winning gift!" "Unlike the breadsticks, which have effectively taken Duper out of the game." "(laughter)" "Still, it gave everyone else the gift of laughter... in a way, the only true gift." "Okay, my turn." "Hmm, The torture variety pack is tempting... heretic's fork, metal spanker, anal-tarring brush." "It's a barbecue set." "But who needs two of anything?" "I shall pick." "Wait, t-there should be a gift here." "There's no gift for me." "But... but that means someone didn't bring one!" " What?" "!" " Impossible!" "It can't be!" "It is be." "Who didn't bring a gift?" "And don't try to sell me on the gift of laughter, 'cause that's horse shit!" "Who was it?" "!" "Who's ruined everything?" "!" "STAN:" "Everyone was a suspect." "Only one person knew who did it." "There was one thing we all knew." "I'm going to (bleep) this (bleep) in the tushy!" "Hand me the anal-tarring brush!" "♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪" "♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" " ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪" "Aah!" "♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪" " (jazz music plays)" " No one knew who didn't bring the gift, or worse... what Bullock might do trying to find out." "Now, I'm no chef, but an unpredictable man in a position of power smelled like a bad recipe to me." "And I should know..." "I'm an expert chef." "Le Cordon Bleu class of '08." " (crashing, clattering)" " Sir?" "You seem a little upset." "You can always read me, Smith!" "I'm bloody outraged!" "Sir, if I may, it's only Evil Santa." ""Only Evil Santa?"" ""Only Evil Santa."" "And this is only a pin." "Whoa-ho-ho!" "Every agent puts his life in the hands of his fellow agents, and if we can't trust our fellow agents, all our lives are at risk!" "I-I see how it's a big deal now, sir." "I swear to you, Smith," "I will find out who didn't bring a present." "I refuse to live like this!" "Office grenade!" "MAN:" "Oh, no!" "My whiskey stones!" "They weren't destroyed!" "Sir, I-I know you want to get this guy, but maybe you're too close to it, like a doctor operating on their own child." "Or a person standing right behind another person." "Sure." "Listen, you're a busy man." "You've got the C.I.A. to run and pins to keep in your grenades." "Why don't you let me lead the investigation?" "Well, that's not up to me." "That's up to the hiring committee, of which I appoint you the sole member." "Then, I'll... hire myself?" "Those pencil pushers finally got something right." "Thanks for taking me to get a new suit, Klaus." "I figure I should start planning for the Spring Harvest dance now." "It's never too early to start thinking about outfits." "I mean, I already know what I'm gonna wear to your funeral." "My Insane Clown Posse t-shirt." "That looks great on you." "Yeah, no shit." "Trying to impress a lady?" "Trying to impress all of them." "You know who never lacked for attention?" "Solomon Chantez Le Bas, the most storied lady killer of the 1890s." "His secret... an antique handkerchief." "The gentleman angle." "I'll take it!" "That's crazy, but it's your funeral, bro." "(all sobbing)" "(door slams open)" "♪ Ticket please, thanks, walk through the doors ♪" "♪ Into the Halls Of Illusions, visit yours ♪" "♪ And see what could've and should've ♪" "♪ And would've been real ♪" "♪ But you had to (record scratches) up the whole deal ♪" "♪ Great Milenko, wave your wand ♪" "♪ Don't look now, your life is gone ♪" " (jazz music plays)" " Taking the case," "I knew what might happen to the guilty agent." "But I never imagined what would happen to the innocent ones." "Look, Bullock wants me to crack heads, but we're friends, so let's just sit in here for 10 minutes and shoot the breeze." "Oh, great, I don't know why, but I was a little nervous about this." "The only thing you should be nervous about is your golf game." "(both laugh)" "You can't clam up on me, punk!" "I know you're hiding something!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "I'm the one taking dumps in the urinals!" "I call it an "inside the park home run"!" "(sobbing)" "Smith, good work." "Dick, that's a funny name for it." "Congratulations, Dick." "You are no longer my number-one suspect." "You're my number-two suspect." "That's a shit joke, Dick. (laughs)" "Who says this can't be fun?" "Styles!" "Thanks for dropping by, bud." "When are we gonna get back on that squash court?" "I had a thought, Smith." "Never mind." "We can talk after your interviews." " (jazz music plays)" " I used to be a popular guy, but if you leave no stone unturned, eventually the stones turn on you." "(school bell rings)" "(knuckles crack)" "(sneezes)" "Handkerchief, my lady?" "You're such a gentleman, Steve." "We are a dying breed." "My mother's always saying I should be looking" " for boys like you." " (ding!" ")" "I super love my mom, too." "(ding!" ")" "Aww!" "This may seem forward, but would you take me to the Spring Harvest dance next weekend?" "(classical music plays)" "I would love to." "Maybe it's time to put someone else on the Evil Santa case." "It's been months, and you have nothing to show for it." "Not nothing, sir." "I have this." "I just need to turn one of these question marks into something I know." "(groans) Idiotic." "I didn't know if I was impressing him or not, but I did know one thing..." "I couldn't let him take me off the case because the man I was hunting... was me." "Aw, damn!" "You nasty." "I mean, I meant to bring a present, but I couldn't because I forgot to buy one." "Now I'm in too deep, caught in a web of lies, and it's killing me." "Killing you?" "A web of lies is only bad for the fly." "You're the spider." "For the spider, the web's a P.F. Chang's." "P.F. Chang's?" "That's a good thing?" "It's a great thing!" "I knew I should come to you with this." "You're the best liar I know." "I need your help." "All right, I'll get you out." "But you have to listen carefully, and you're gonna have to lie a bit more." "If it ends this," " I'm in your hands." " Perfect." "These are the same hands that choked Lisa Bonet when she beat me out for the role of Denise Huxtable on "A Different World."" "That was a lie." "The role was created for her." "But I did choke her." "Now, here are a few crucial phases to controlling a lie." "The first phase is believe the lie." "You haven't believed, so you've been stalling, spinning your wheels." " You would never do that on a real case." " I know." "Bullock wants to bring in someone else." "And that's exactly what's gonna happen." "Sir, I know how much this case means to you, so I'm bringing on some help." "Ace Crouton, consulting detective." "Now, let's get one thing straight..." "I work for the case, not for the cops, not for him, and definitely not for..." "I'm talking to a chair." "Why am I talking to a chair?" "Sorry, I was fired up, so I came in and just kind of went into it." "Don't worry, Smith." "I heard everything." "Carry on." "We need wire taps, surveillance vans, a satellite team in Bogotá." "Yes!" "I love this new energy." "The entire C.I.A. is at your disposal." "Does that include the Starbucks in the lobby... specifically the employees, specifically Greg?" "Uhh... you can have Kevin, but not Greg." "(indistinct conversations)" "Bye, Jim." "Bye, Liz." "You better expect a call on Monday for that lemon-bar recipe." "Boy, your parents are super rad." "Steve, you were great." "My parents loved you." " Have fun at the dance." " Huh?" "Wait, did I forget to tell you the plan?" "My parents won't let me date a sexy bad boy like Wyatt, so I used you, a sexless good boy, to get out of the house." "She's 14 and you're, like, 25, buddy!" "Good luck picking a movie that you both agree on!" "(grunts weakly)" "We just saw what she did." "Yeah, go ahead." "Laugh it up." "No." "We were wondering..." "Would you do that for us?" "My parents hate my boyfriend, too." "I'll even pay you." "Will you be our "widdle" good boy, Steve?" "(thinking) Hmm, a good boy front." "So, first I get the money, then I get the motorcycle... after I take the responsible riders course." "Then, I'll be the responsible, sexy bad boy!" "Ladies, we're in business." "So..." " will you do it?" " Hm?" "I can't believe this worked!" "What a rush!" "The joy of getting away with a lie is better than a million helping-peoples." "Now it's on to phase two of lying..." "benefits." "I don't understand this phase." "Should we be looking for something?" "The view, Stan." "We use a helicopter for the "investigation,"" "but we're really enjoying the views." "The views?" "Now you're getting it!" "And this is just one of many benefits." "The next is Eat Day." "Eat Day is just what it sounds like." "Then there's Bone Day." "You just wake up and start plowing babes all day." "I'm not doing that." "I just want everything normal at work again." "Ugh, fine." "We'll go straight to the last phase... the blame phase." "What..." "What are you doing, Stan?" "Looking for the words." "The words usually appear." "Yeah... okay." "Oh, my God, I think I'm losing it!" "Check your jacket pocket." "No!" "(singsong voice) The blame phase!" "To accept blame." "Of course." "I knew eventually I'd have to fess up." "Accept..." "Huh?" "No!" "You just blame it on someone else." "I can't blame another agent." "Okay, well, not a living agent." "People in the C.I.A. die all the time, right?" "So, wait for the next one and pin it on them." "That's..." "That's actually a good idea." "What do you mean, actually a good idea?" "You say that like I don't have good ideas." "I always have good ideas." "I am by far the most creative person in the family!" "Okay, okay." "Okay yourself, guy." "Sorry, sorry." "I'm..." "I'm truly sorry." "(sighs) Let's just forget about it." "(sighs)" "I feel like I undersold Bone Day." "♪♪" "Thanks for not trying anything, Steve!" "And I never will!" "You asked to see me, sir?" "Tell me something good, Smith." "I need it." "Something good." "Uh, Big Daddy Jeff and the Stooge are back on FM 93.1." "I guess the Stooge isn't going to prison." "A weight lifted, and my heart needs it." "Agent Davenport died on a mission last night." "Sir, um, I know the timing of this is tough, but, well, I closed the case this morning." "It was Agent Davenport who didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa." "Smith, are you quite sure?" "I am." "Maybe he knew I was close and took it into his own hands." "By tying himself up and being shot several times through the trunk of an old Fiat." "Yes, that makes sense." "But why..." "He was still a great agent." "The best way to honor him is to not look for any soft spots in my story." "You're right." "You can pay for your Steve date experience with cash or credit." "She wants to know if we'll accept a video of her getting her nipples pierced." "Yeah, look, Jessica, Steve would love to escort you to the Winter Formal, but I'm looking and there's nothing available." "You know what, for you, let me talk to my manager." "Oh, my God, this never happens." "He's making room for you." "I cannot stress to you how much this never happens." "If you were to expect this in the future, you would be insane." "You're really going to enjoy our Steve Silver Package." "It's a drop-off, a picture, and I'll talk to your dad about model airplanes." "Oh, Steve, you're so nice." "It's..." "It's making me so horny for Trevor." "Oh, you're one of Trevor's girls." "Yeah, he's been hitting it pretty hard since his divorce." "We're gathered here today to honor a man," "Wallace Davenport." " I think you actually got me out of this." " Actually?" "What..." "What the hell is your problem, man?" "Beloved husband, devoted father, and... (crying)" "Oh, I just can't do it!" "How dare you cry for this man?" "He didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa!" "(all gasp)" "I'm not sure if there is a hell, but if there is one, Davenport's there, wrapping an empty box in his own flayed skin for all eternity!" "But he brought a poker set." "Shh!" "You're..." "You're delirious with grief." "That was me." "I brought the poker set." " He was a coward!" " He was a traitor!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, people, please." "Can't we just bury the man and all the issues surrounding him?" "You'll never see a dime of his pension." "But we'll lose everything." "This has gone too far." "Stan, can't you see no one's getting hurt here?" "I declare prima nocta!" "(crying)" "We're never gonna make it with Bullock taking the pension away." "Katie's medication alone... (coughs)" "And Katie's..." "Katie's absolutely essential?" "You know what, forget it." "I guarantee you'll have that pension." "Roger, I just promised the C.I.A." "would pay Davenport's pension." "Oh, bad lie, Stan." "Not a Roger-sanctioned lie." "But it is a lie, so don't be too hard on yourself." " How am I gonna pay her?" " It's simple." "You get a night job to support your new secret family." "I know a great place." "Ace Crouton!" "You were supposed to find my missing kid!" "And I'm looking for him." "Her." "Oh, a clue!" "♪♪" "(camera clicks)" "Great." "Now go on and get felt up by a delinquent." "He's not coming." "He just texted me." "He's sick." "(coughs) Tony's sick, too." "Wyatt's dead. (sneezes)" "Steve, do you have that hanky on you?" "No." "Unfortunately I don't, tonight of all nights." "Center for Disease Control!" "Nobody move!" "(device beeps)" " (screaming)" " What's going on?" "!" "(device beeping rapidly)" "Right here." "Hot zone." "Aah!" "I confess!" "I'm a good boy for hire!" "(device pings)" "Sir, he's telling the truth." "Who cares?" "There's been an outbreak of conquistador measles, and levels are off the chart around this kid." "(device buzzes)" "Mother of God." "Wait, why didn't I get sick?" "Conquistador measles doesn't infect the sexually immature." "Pfft." "A class-5 virus going after a dweeb like you?" "Please." "But it could still like me as a friend, right?" "And maybe one day, it could grow into something more than friendship?" "(cellphone vibrates)" "Stan, are you working late again?" "I need you here to explain Kimmel's jokes." "You know how the C.I.A. is this time of year with..." "Toyota days around the corner?" "Got to go, big mission." "Stan, no personal calls!" "Last warning if you want to keep getting paid." "Wait, this is all?" "Any chance I could get an advance on my next 10 year's salary?" "What do I look like, a bank?" "No." "Not really." "One bank, then the widow's good for life." "Two banks." "My body's full of money." "(banjo playing)" "(banjo slows, distorts)" "Stan?" "What are you doing here?" "Roger?" "You... you sell sperm, too?" "Sell?" "Hey, you look like me." "This is crazy." "I got to get a pic." "(camera clicks)" "Twinsies!" "God, look at me." "Look at what I've become." "Lying has turned me into a horrible, grotesque monster." "(gasps)" "Well, you're not having any trouble with brutal honesty right now!" "I'm just not built to be a liar." "No, you're built to be a jerk!" "(crying)" "Double my order!" "So, you didn't bring a gift, led a fraudulent investigation, had me desecrate a fellow agent's funeral, then sold your plasma and semen until you were at the brink of death?" "That's the gist." "(sighs)" "I think the lesson is obvious, Smith." "It is." "I'm a better man when I'm honest." "Also, you never really escape a lie." "Even if you get away with it." "Geez!" "The lesson is to bring a bloody gift to Evil Santa." "A mistake I'm sure you didn't make this year." "♪♪" "Uh..." "Get it?" "This bozo's right back where he started." "Merry Christmas from our family to yours!" "Wait a minute, is this our Christmas episode?" "What month is this?"