"[playing Wishin' and Hopin'] [slow jazzy music]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ WISHIN' AND HOPIN' ♪" "♪ AND THINKIN' AND PRAYING ♪" "♪ PLANNING AND DREAMING ♪" "♪ EACH NIGHT OF HIS CHARMS ♪" "♪ THAT WON'T GET YOU ♪ male narrator:" "WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG," "CHRISTMAS IS WELD TOGETHER INTO A BLUR OF JINGLE BELLS" "AND TWINKLING LIGHTS." "BUT THE ONE OF 1964," "THE YEAR I WAS A FIFTH GRADE STUDENT" "AT ST." "ALOYSIUS GONZAGA PAROCHIAL SCHOOL," "WAS WHEN I LEARNED WHAT WAS ACTUALLY IMPORTANT." "I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT THE CHRISTMAS OF SURPRISES," "AND I DON'T MEAN THE KIND" "THAT ARE GIFT WRAPPED UNDER A TREE." "IT ALL STARTED WHEN I, FELIX FUNICELLO," "ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERED MY TEACHER" "SISTER DYMPHNA'S MELTDOWN." " SPIT OUT THE GUM." "narrator:" "FOR THIS AND ALL MY PAST SINS," "I'M HEARTILY SORRY." " "MORTAL SINNERS:" "BURNING IN HELL OR HEADED THERE"" "BY ROSALIE TWERSKI." "LEE HARVEY OSWALD AND JACK RUBY" "MURDER." "narrator:" "SISTER DYMPHNA," "WHO WAS NAMED AFTER THE PATRON SAINT" "OF SLEEPWALKING AND INSANITY," "SEATED US BY ACADEMIC RANK." "MY BEST FRIEND LONNY WAS IN THE LAST ROW." " [spits] narrator:" "HAVING STAYED BACK TWICE," "HE WAS THE OLDEST KID IN CLASS" "AS WELL AS THE DUMBEST." "I WAS SEATED IN FRONT," "SECOND IN CLASS TO ROSALIE TWERSKI." " MARILYN MONROE-- SUICIDE." "narrator:" "WE ALL KNOW A ROSALIE TWERSKI." " SISTER DYMPHNA, I THINK YOU FORGOT" "TO ASSIGN HOMEWORK FOR THE NIGHT." "CAN WE HAVE MORE DIFFICULT MATH PROBLEMS NEXT TIME?" "THESE ONES WERE TOO EASY." "CAN WE ADD ILLUSTRATIONS FOR EXTRA CREDIT?" "MY FATHER, OF TWERSKI'S IMPRESSIONS PRINTING," "WOULD BE HAPPY TO DONATE THE MATERIALS." "RUDI GERNREICH INVENTED THE TOPLESS BATHING SUIT." " [sighs]" " PERVERT!" "SISTER DYMPHNA," "FELIX FUNICELLO JUST ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME." "SISTER DYMPHNA?" " FELIX!" "SHOW MS. TWERSKI SOME RESPECT!" "[desk rattles]" " THANKS A LOT." " YOU'RE WELCOME, DONDI." "narrator:" "UGH, DONDI" "A NICKNAME I'D BE STUCK WITH FOR YEARS" "BECAUSE OF MY UNDENIABLE RESEMBLANCE" "TO THAT ADORABLE ITALIAN ORPHAN FROM THE COMIC STRIPS." " YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DIRTY, ROTTEN RAT FINK, TWERSKI." " I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?" "narrator:" "SHE HAD TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON." "AND DURING LUNCH," "LONNY AND I DEVISED OUR PLAN." "[projector whirring]" " WHAT NAME SHALL WE GIVE HIM, FATHER?" "PERHAPS IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF WE NAMED HIM" "AFTER TODAY'S SAINT." " VERY WELL." " IT'S ST." "MARCELINO." "[soft music]" "♪ ♪" " [whispering] PSST, FELIX." " YOU LOOK VERY HUNGRY." "I'LL BRING YOU SOMETHING TO EAT." "[dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "BROTHER COOKIE, HELP ME QUICK." "THERE'S A SCORPION OUT HERE." " OW!" "WHO DID THAT?" " MARCELINO!" "MARCELINO!" " I GOT SOME BREAD." "I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING ELSE." "I WAS IN SUCH A BIG HURRY." " IT TOUCHED ME!" " [screams] [all screaming]" " SATAN, I REBUKE THEE!" "[whimpering]" "LEAVE, I PRAY!" "SAVE THE CHILDREN!" "LUCIFER!" " HOLY CRAP, SHE FINALLY FLIPPED HER WIG." "[laughing] narrator:" "MY SISTER SIMONE HAD SWORN ON A STACK OF BIBLES" "THAT THE SISTERS WERE AS BALD AS YUL BRYNNER." "I COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS." " DUCK AND COVER, CHILDREN!" "IS IT GONE?" " YES." "YES, IT'S GONE." " IT WAS CROSS WITH ME, SISTER." " OH, NO, NO." " IT WAS" " IT WAS A TEST." "PERHAPS IT WAS A TEST." "ARE WE OKAY?" " THE CHILDREN!" " OH, VERY GOOD." " THE CHILDREN ALL RIGHT?" " YOU PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST." "EXCELLENT." "THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN." "YOU MAY TAKE YOUR SEATS." " I DON'T LIKE ITS MOUTH." " YES, I THINK WE'RE FINE TO LEAVE NOW." "narrator:" "THE KUBIAK TWINS, RONALD AND ROLAND," "WERE RAISED ON A DAIRY FARM" "AND NO STRANGERS TO TAKING CARE OF ROGUE BATS." "WE SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY" "UNDER THE RULE OF ST." "ALOYSIUS' MOST NEFARIOUS PENGUIN," "THE ENFORCER," "SISTER AGRIPPINA." "THIS WAS CLEARLY MY PENANCE FOR THAT DAY'S SINS." " [slaps] narrator:" "THAT NIGHT, SIMONE AND MY OTHER SISTER, FRANCES," "HAD NOTHING BUT ENCOURAGING WORDS TO CALM MY FEARS." " I HEARD AGRIPPINA ONCE HURLED A DICTIONARY" "AT SOME KID'S HEAD FOR SPEAKING WITHOUT RAISING HIS HAND." " THAT'S NOTHING." "I ONCE SAW HER RIP WAYNE WALKER'S GLASSES" "OFF OF HIS FACE AND SNAP THEM IN TWO" "JUST BECAUSE HE HAD SLOPPY PENMANSHIP." " OH, YEAH, AND THEN THERE'S THAT MOLE ON HER BOTTOM LIP" "THAT SHE TRIES TO HIDE BY BARELY MOVING HER MOUTH" "WHEN SHE TALKS." " FELIX, WHATEVER YOU DO," "DON'T LET HER CATCH YOU LOOKING AT IT." " YEAH, DON'T." " WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR VOCABULARY," "I WANT YOU TO TAKE OUT YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS" "FOR SILENT READING." "narrator:" "THERE IT WAS STARING RIGHT AT ME." " YES, ROSALIE?" " SISTER AGRIPPINA," "I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW SISTER DYMPHNA WAS DOING." "WILL SHE BE BACK SOON?" " SHE'S RESTING COMFORTABLY," "AND SHE WILL BE BACK AFTER THE CHRISTMAS BREAK." "NOW, GET OUT THAT BOOK." "YES, ROSALIE." " WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT?" "LAST YEAR, THE FIFTH GRADERS PERFORMED" "THESEVENJOYSOFMARY ." "AND IF WE DO IT AGAIN THIS YEAR," "I WOULD GLADLY REPRESENT THE BLESSED VIRGIN." " WE'LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT YOUR PERMANENT SUBSTITUTE" "HAS PLANNED." " BUT WHO'S GONNA BE OUR SUB?" " YOU DO HAVE A LAY TEACHER" "WHO'S COMING NEXT WEEK TO TAKE OVER." "PLEASE, BEGIN YOUR READING, MISS TWERSKI." "IS SOMETHING THE MATTER, MR. FUNICELLO?" "narrator:" "IT HAD GROWN TO AT LEAST TEN TIMES ITS SIZE" "IN THE PAST TWO MINUTES." " NO, SISTER." " SILENT READING, ROSALIE!" "narrator:" "MY FAMILY HAD ONE CLAIM TO FAME:" "WE WERE COUSINS WITH ANNETTE FUNICELLO." "YES, THE ANNETTE FUNICELLO." "TECHNICALLY, SHE WAS MY FATHER'S COUSIN'S KID," "BUT WHO WAS KEEPING TRACK?" "THE PICTURE WAS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM POP'S COUSIN" "A FEW YEARS BACK." "WE TOOK PRIDE IN BEING RELATED TO A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR." "BUT THE ONLY ONE MORE SO THAN ME..." " WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "narrator:" "WAS SIMONE." " IDENTICAL, RIGHT?" " I THINK YOU'VE INHALED WAY TOO MUCH HAIR SPRAY." "[coughs] narrator:" "BUT THERE WAS ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER" "ON THE BRINK OF STARDOM." "I, FELIX FUNICELLO," "WOULD BE MAKING MY TELEVISION DEBUT" "ON THE RANGER ANDY SHOW LATER THAT MONTH" "WITH MY JUNIOR MIDSHIPMEN GROUP." "YOUR OLD MAN HAD TO HAVE BEEN IN THE NAVY" "TO JOIN THE MIDSHIPMEN," "SO I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN MY CLASS GOING." "SURELY I'D BE THE ENVY OF EVERYONE," "ESPECIALLY ROSALIE TWERSKI." " FELIX FUNICELLO." "FELIX FUNICELLO." "FELIX ANTHONY FUNICELLO, THE FIRST." "narrator:" "I WAS READY." " HEY, MA." " HEY, HONEY." "OH, HEY, LISTEN," "TOMORROW YOUR FATHER IS HEADED INTO TOWN TO THE WHOLESALER'S," "AND I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR SISTER SHOPPING AFTER SCHOOL." "SO CHINO WILL BE WATCHING YOU." " CHINO?" " YES, WHAT'S WRONG WITH CHINO?" "HE'S A RESPONSIBLE ADULT FIGURE." " YOU MIGHT AS WELL HIRE ODDJOB TO BABYSIT ME." " WHATEVER WAS I THINKING?" "narrator:" "DINNER WAS ALWAYS AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE DAY." "POP OWNED A DINER DOWN BY THE BUS STATION" "AND ALWAYS FILLED US IN ON THE DAY'S DIRT." " CHRIST, OUR LORD, AMEN." " AMEN." " AMEN." " SO THE MINISTER'S WIFE COMES IN," "AND SHE SEES I'M TRYING TO RECRUIT ANOTHER SAILOR" "FOR HIS MISSIONARY WORK," "AND SHE" " FELIX, HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?" " NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A NEW TEACHER." " THAT'S GREAT." " YEAH, WE'RE REALLY EXCITED." " YEAH?" "WHY'S THAT?" " DID YOU HEAR WHAT AGRIPPINA SAID?" "A LAY TEACHER." " YEAH, I HEARD." "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RIGHT?" " 'CAUSE ALL US GUYS ARE GONNA GET LAID." " [laughs]" " [laughs]" " SAL, MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE FELIX OUTSIDE" "AND FINISH THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AFTER DINNER." " YEAH, POP." " I WAS THINKING OF WAITING ON THAT." "SOUNDS GOOD." "SO, UH..." "FELIX, WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR TEACHER" " WHAT ABOUT IT?" " DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD YOU USED MEANS?" "narrator:" "I CLEARLY WOULDN'T HAVE SAID IT IF I DID." " NO." " SEE," "WHEN YOU GET TO A CERTAIN AGE..." " OH, MAN." "narrator:" "I HAD AN UNEASY FEELING POP" "WAS STIRRING THE CONVERSATION TOWARD THE BIRDS AND THE BEES." "AND, HEY, IT'S NOT THAT I DIDN'T NEED INFORMATION ON THE SUBJECT," "BUT I NEVER EXPECTED HIM TO ENLIGHTEN ME BY TALKING ABOUT" " TOILET SEATS AND DRINKING FOUNTAINS." "SO..." "SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKING A SIP OUT OF THEM." "AND YOU DON'T..." "WANT TO TOUCH YOUR LIPS ON THE METAL." "YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?" " I THINK SO." " GOOD." "GOOD." "GREAT TALK, SON." " ARE YOU GETTING A DRINK OR WHAT?" " NO." "narrator:" "THE DAY OUR NEW SUBSTITUTE TEACHER ARRIVED," "I SMELLED HER BEFORE I SAW HER" "LILY OF THE VALLEY PERFUME," "A SCENT THAT WOULD OPEN A FLOOD OF MEMORIES ANYTIME" "I SMELLED IT FOR YEARS TO COME," "A SCENT THAT-  [sneezes] narrator:" "I WAS DEFINITELY ALLERGIC TO." " BONJOUR." "JEM 'APPELLEMARGUERITEIRENE DUBOISFRECHETTE." "BUT YOU CAN CALL ME MADAME FRECHETTE." "narrator:" "MADAME FRECHETTE WAS UNLIKE ANY TEACHER" "I'D EVER SEEN." "SHE WAS ENERGETIC, ALIVE." "YOU COULD TELL SHE WAS EXCITED" "BY THE WAY SHE WOULD CLASP HER HANDS TOGETHER," "CAUSING ALL OF HER JEWELRY TO RING IN UNISON." " JE VIENS DU QUEBEC, CANADA." "WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE MAP" "TO POINT OUT WHERE QUEBEC IS LOCATED?" "OUI,MADEMOISELLE." " I WOULD LOVE TO, MADAME." " [sneezes]" " [speaking French]" "TRES,TRESBIEN." "ET..." "WHAT MIGHT YOUR NAME BE?" " JE SUIS MADEMOISELLE ROSALIE." " AH, VOUS PARLEZ FRANCAIS." " UN PETIT PEU." " I BELIEVE THAT CHILDREN WORK BEST" "WHEN THEY ARE..." "CONFORTABLE." "DONCTAKETHISOPPORTUNITY" "TO FIND A SEAT WHEREVER YOU WOULD LIKE." " WHOO!" " YES!" " ALL RIGHT!" " BUT, MADAME," "WHAT ABOUT THE CLASS RANKING?" " ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT IS IN MY GRADE BOOK, MADEMOISELLE." "DEPECHE-TOI." "MERCI." " [sneezes]" " GOD BLESS YOU." "COMMENTVOUSAPPELEZVOUS?" " HUH?" " [laughs]" "I ASKED YOU WHAT YOUR NAME IS." " OH, FELIX FUNICELLO." " AH." "BUT YOU REMIND ME OF ANOTHER LITTLE GARCON ITALIEN," "DONCI SHALLCALLYOU  MONSIEUR DONDI." "[laughter]" " OH, CHRIST." " [speaking French]" " ♪ HE LIKES BREAD AND BUTTER ♪" "♪ HE LIKES TOAST AND JAM ♪" " MONSIEUR DONDI." " CREAM IT, TURDSKI." "narrator:" "AT POPS' LUNCH COUNTER," "YOU COULD SWIVEL YOUR STOOL" "AND FOLLOW THE ARC OF OUR COUSIN'S CAREER." "FROM MOUSEKETEER TO RECENT FILMS" "LIKE BEACH BLANKET BINGO," "HER STAR ASCENDED AS HER CUP SIZE WORKED ITS WAY" "THROUGH THE ALPHABET." " [speaking French]" "JESUIS..." "GETTING VERY, VERY DIZZY." " WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE SPEAKING THERE, LIX?" "PIG LATIN?" " UM, IT HAPPENS TO BE FRENCH." "OUR NEW TEACHER'S MAKING US LEARN IT." " WOW, OOH LA LA." "YOUR OLD LADY SAYS I GOT TO FEED YOU." "SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "FRENCH TOAST?" "I GOT A NICE BOTTLE OF FRENCH DRESSING." " THAT WAS SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH." " [laughs]" "ALL RIGHT, PEPE LE PEW," "HOW ABOUT I FIND YOU A LITTLE CHICKY BOOM BOOM?" "SHE CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO FRENCH KISS." " FRENCH KISS?" "narrator:" "THAT'S CHINO," "HIGH-SCHOOL DROPOUT AND MY ADULT FIGURE FOR THE NIGHT." " IT'S WHEN THE BOY AND THE GIRL PUT THEIR TONGUES" "IN EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS." " YICK." " DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT." "ALL RIGHT, WHAT WILL IT BE?" " A SAL'S TORPEDO AND A COKE." " NO FRIES?" "THEY'RE FRENCH." " I'LL GET THEM MYSELF." " OH, OKAY, HOTSHOT." "WHY DON'T YOU PUT SOME TUNES ON WHILE YOU'RE AT IT." "[upbeat music]" " SHE'S PLAYING ON THE JUKE NOW?" "THIS PLACE HAS FUNICELLO FEVER." " UM, SHE HAPPENS TO BE OUR COUSIN." " HEY, PAL, IS THIS A KID," "OR DID A MUNCHKIN WANDER OFF THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD?" " OH, LET'S JUST SAY HE'S STILL A LITTLE SORE" "ABOUT THAT DEAD WITCH IN HIS BACKYARD." "OH, YEAH, I GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU GUYS." "HOW IS A WOMAN LIKE AN OVEN?" " HOW?" " WELL, YOU GOT TO HEAT THEM BOTH UP" "BEFORE YOU STICK IN THE MEATLOAF." "[both laughing]" " SO LONG, FELLAS." "COME ON." "DON'T LET THOSE SQUIDS BOTHER YOU." "THEY'RE JUST A COUPLE OF SCREWBALLS." " IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE." " OH, THAT HURTS, REALLY." "HOLD THE FLOOR FOR ME FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?" "I GOT TO PEE." "[fryer sizzling]" " HI, HONEY." "WHAT'S WRONG?" " DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" " WE STOPPED TO GET MOM'S HAIR STYLED" "AFTER WE WENT SHOPPING." " YEAH, I MEAN, DOESN'T SHE LOOK GREAT?" "SHE PRACTICALLY LOOKS TEN YEARS YOUNGER." "I MEAN, CHECK OUT HER NEW SKORT." " HER WHAT?" " HER SKORT." "IT'S REAL MODERN." " THE GIRLS THOUGHT I NEEDED A MAKEOVER" "TO CHAPERONE YOU ON YOUR RANGER ANDY TRIP." " WHY DO YOUR LEGS LOOK LIKE BLUE CHEESE?" " I TOLD YOU IT WAS TOO SHORT." " NO, IT ISN'T." "OKAY, FELIX IS JUST BEING A LITTLE JERK." " YEAH, AS USUAL." " I'M THE ONE WHO ALMOST GOT KILLED TODAY." " WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, FELIX?" " BOILED IN OIL." " COOL IT, DONDI." "IT WAS A LITTLE ACCIDENT." " A LITTLE ACCIDENT?" " FELIX, WHAT HAPPENED?" " I FRIED MY TIE." "[laughter]" " STOP." "YOU'RE FINE." "narrator:" "THE GUILT OF DEFILING MY COUSIN'S POSTER" "HAD EATEN AWAY AT ME ALL WEEK," "SO THAT BY THE TIME FRIDAY CONFESSION CAME AROUND," "I WAS READY TO CRACK." "[clock ticking]" " [loudspeaker clicks]" " FIFTH GRADE CLASS MAY NOW PASS FOR CONFESSION." " [speaking French]" "ALLEZ." " LINE UP!" "TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT AND ZIP UP YOUR FLY." "DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL." "ROSALIE." "GERALDINE, YOUR SWEATER." " YOU LOOK LIKE A BASSET HOUND." "OW." " HEY, NO CUTS, NO BUTTS, NO COCONUTS." " SORRY, I JUST REALLY HAVE TO GET UP THERE." " WELL, WAIT TILL NAACP HEARS ABOUT THIS." "narrator:" "MARION WAS ALWAYS MAKING THAT JOKE." " [claps] narrator:" "HE'S A BOY, IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL," "EVEN THOUGH MARION'S A GIRL'S NAME," "WHICH IS WORSE THAN HAVING EVERYONE CALL YOU DONDI," "IF YOU ASK ME." " [whispering] FELIX FUNICELLO," "LEFT BOX." "narrator:" "CONFESSION WAS, AS MY POP WOULD ALWAYS SAY," ""A CRAPSHOOT."" " GET THE LEAD OUT." "narrator:" "YOU'D NEVER KNEW WHICH PRIEST YOU'D END UP GETTING," "WHICH SEEMED LIKE AN ACCURATE COMPARISON" "SINCE MY LUCK WAS ALWAYS CRAPPY." "MONSIGNOR MULDOON," "HE WAS ROUGHLY 500 YEARS OLD" "AND MADE UP OF EQUAL PARTS PHINEAS T. BLUSTER," "CRABBY APPLETON, AND MR. MAGOO." "HE ALWAYS SMELLED LIKE BUTTER RUM CANDY," "WHICH, IF YOU LISTENED TO SIMONE," "WAS TO COVER UP A FEW TOO MANY SIPS OF THE COMMUNION WINE." " BLESS ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED." "IT HAS BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION." " SPEAK UP, BOY, YOU'RE MUMBLING." "narrator:" "WELL, OF COURSE I WAS." "I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF MY CLASSMATES" "TO HEAR WHAT I HAD TO SAY." " IT HAS BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION." "THESE ARE MY SINS:" "I COPIED A FRIEND'S HOMEWORK ON THE BUS," "I CALLED MY SISTER A BAD WORD TWO TIMES," "AND I CURSED ON SIX SEPARATE OCCASIONS," "BUT NOT THE REALLY BAD ONES," "JUST A COUPLE "H"s, "D"s, AND "S"s." "AND FINALLY," "I HAD IMPURE THOUGHTS." " ABOUT WHAT?" " YOU KNOW..." " NO, I DON'T KNOW UNLESS YOU TELL ME." " ABOUT MY COUSIN ANNETTE." "SHE'S FAMOUS." " DID YOU ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS?" " I'M NOT SURE." " WELL, YOU EITHER DID, OR YOU DIDN'T." " I KISSED HER POSTER ON THE LIPS," "THE ONE OF HER ON THE BEACH IN HER BATHING SUIT LISTENING TO" " INCEST IS A MORTAL SIN." "YOU MADE JESUS VERY, VERY, VERY SAD." "PERHAPS HE EVEN WEPT," "AS HE DID ON THE DAY OF HIS CRUCIFIXION." "narrator:" "I KNEW I WAS IN FOR IT NOW." " TO ABSOLVE YOURSELF OF THESE SINS," "YOU MUST SAY ONE COMPLETE ROSARY." " THE ENTIRE THING?" " THE ENTIRE..." "THING." "[candy crunches]" " [claps]" "[stirring orchestral music]" "♪ ♪" " I HAVE A VERY EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE." "TODAY WE WELCOME A NOUVEL ETUDIANT," "A NEW STUDENT." "SHE HAS COME ALL THE WAY FROM THE SOVIET UNION" "EVENIJA VLADIMIROVNA KABOKOVA," "OR AS SHE PREFERS TO BE CALLED FOR SHORT," "ZHENYA." "COME IN, MADEMOISELLE." "THANK YOU, SISTER." " HELLO, CLASSMATES." "I AM VERY, VERY, VERY HAPPY" "TO MEET YOUR ACQUAINTANCE." "HELLO." "HELLO." "[laughter] narrator:" "THINGS HAD MOST DEFINITELY" "GOTTEN MORE INTERESTING." " COME IN." "DOES ANYONE HAVE A QUESTION FOR OUR NEW STUDENT?" "YES, ROSALIE?" " ARE YOU A COMMUNIST?" " ♪ TO THE GIRL WITH A BOW IN HER HAIR ♪" "♪ OOH ♪ narrator:" "ZHENYA KABOKOVA" "HAD THE KIND OF FRENZIED SMILE USUALLY RESERVED" "FOR GAME SHOW HOSTS" "AND WAS THE STRANGEST GIRL WE'D EVER MET." "EACH DAY BEFORE SCHOOL," "HER FATHER WOULD WALK HER TO THE ENTRANCE SINGING THE SAME SONG." "AND BEFORE HE'D LEAVE," "HE'D FINISH THE RITUAL BY GIVING HER A KICK TO THE REAR END," "WHICH SHE'D PRETEND TO BE SURPRISED BY" "EVERY SINGLE TIME." "SHE ALSO HAD THIS BIZARRE, TANGY ODOR TO HER," "WHICH WE LATER FOUND OUT" "WAS BECAUSE SHE WOULD CONDITION HER HAIR WITH MAYONNAISE," "AS APPARENTLY DID" " MANY, MANY GIRLS IN SOVIET UNION." "narrator:" "THEN THERE WAS THE FISH." "DAY AFTER DAY," "SHE'D EAT THE EXACT SAME THING FOR LUNCH." " ♪ AND I WISHED IN MY HEART ♪" "♪ SHE COULD CARE ♪ narrator:" "ALONG WITH THE MAYONNAISE HAIR," "SHE RETURNED TO CLASS SMELLING LIKE A TUNA SANDWICH." " ♪ GIVEN MY RING ♪" "♪ TO THE GIRL WITH A BOW IN HER HAIR ♪" " HEY, GUYS." "[whoopee cushion trills] [laughter]" " TOO EASY." " DROP IT." "DETENTION, MR. FLOOD." " YES, SISTER." " FELIX FUNICELLO." " YES, SISTER?" " MOTHER FILOMENA WANTS TO SEE YOU IN HER OFFICE." "COME ALONG." " SIT THERE." " FELIX?" "FELIX." " [clears throat]" " YOU MAY HAVE A SEAT." "MONSIGNOR MULDOON HAS BROUGHT YOU A GIFT." "WASN'T THAT NICE OF HIM?" " HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE LIFE OF THIS SCHOOL'S NAMESAKE?" " NOT A LOT, MONSIGNOR." " WELL..." "I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS." "AND YOU MIGHT FIND IT VERY INSPIRATIONAL... [whispers] AFTER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT EARLIER." "AND YOU MIGHT FIND THAT THIS BOY..." "COULD BE THE PERFECT..." "EXAMPLE..." "FOR YOU" "TO EMULATE." " OH, YEAH?" " OH, YES, MONSIGNOR." " OH, YES, MONSIGNOR?" " ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SAY, FELIX?" "NOTHING?" "FELIX." " OH, YEAH." "THANK YOU, MONSIGNOR." " YOU'RE WELCOME, SON." " CAN I GO NOW?" " MAY I GO NOW, AND YES." "YOU MAY." " READ THE BOOK." " HE'S REALLY A VERY SWEET BOY." "I THOUGHT YOU HANDLED THAT WELL." " YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING." " PSST." "FELIX." " WHAT DO YOU WANT?" " WHAT'D YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE FOR?" "narrator:" "I QUICKLY THOUGHT," ""WHAT WOULD MAKE HER GO COMPLETELY APE?"" " I'M GETTING A TOP SECRET BIG AWARD." " FOR WHAT?" " YOU WRITING A BOOK?" "MAKE THAT CHAPTER A MYSTERY." " I'D RATHER WRITE A MONSTER STORY" "ABOUT AN UGLY DWARF NAMED DONDI." " YOU WANT TO BORROW MY COMB SO YOU CAN BRUSH YOUR LEG HAIR?" " GO EAT A HAIRY BIRD." " MADEMOISELLE!" " HE STARTED IT!" " WELL, I ONLY HEARD YOU, NOT MONSIEUR." "GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT." " [sighs]" " IT SAYS HERE HE AVOIDED FEMALES," "INCLUDING HIS OWN MOTHER," "AND PUT WOOD IN HIS BED EVERY NIGHT" "TO DISTRACT HIMSELF FROM TEMPTATIONS OF THE FLESH." " I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE HIM." "HE BATHED LEPERS AND CARRIED AWAY THEIR SLOP PAILS." " THEIR SLOP?" "OH, MAN." "HEY." "WHAT'D YOU SAY TO MONSIGNOR MULDOON" "TO MAKE HIM GIVE YOU THIS ANYWAYS?" " WELL..." " HEY, LONNY." "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE." "YOU GONNA HAVE DINNER WITH US?" " ACTUALLY, MOM, CAN HE STAY THE NIGHT?" " SURE, AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY WITH HIS MOM." " IT SURE IS, MRS. FUNICELLO." "MY OLD LADY SAYS YOU CAN KEEP ME AS LONG AS YOU WANTED" "FOREVER, AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED." " WELL, I'M SURE SHE WAS JUST JOKING." "BUT I WANT YOU BOYS IN BED BY 10:00." " COME ON, MA." " WELL, COME ON, FELIX." "YOU GOT TO GO TO CHURCH IN THE MORNING." " BUT THAT'S NO FAIR." "HOW COME POP NEVER HAS TO GO TO CHURCH?" " DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU POP HAS A BUSINESS," "AND THAT BUSINESS PUTS FOOD ON THE TABLE?" " BUT, MA." " COME ON." "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIEND." " I AIN'T EMBARRASSED, MRS. FUNICELLO." "WE FIGHT IN MY HOUSE ALL THE TIME." " THAT'S VERY POLITE OF YOU, LONNY," "BUT WE WEREN'T FIGHTING." "WE WERE HAVING A DISAGREEMENT." " WHAT IF WE GO TO THE LATER MASS?" " FINE." "MIDNIGHT." "WHEN I SAY, "LIGHTS OUT," IT'S LIGHTS OUT." " OKAY, FINE." " SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES, MRS. FUNICELLO." " HEY, TOOTSIE CAKE." "LOOK WHAT I GOT." " WHAT IS THAT?" "IT'S A TREE." " NO, IT'S NOT." "IT'S A CARDBOARD BOX." " AH, IT'S A COLOR WHEEL TREE." "I THOUGHT WE'D DO SOMETHING REAL SPECIAL THIS YEAR." "RIGHT, FELIX?" " RIGHT, POP." " HEY, LONNY." " ♪ LA ♪ narrator:" "ALUMINUM OR REAL," "THE TREE WAS THE FIRST OFFICIAL SIGN" "THAT CHRISTMAS WAS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER." " YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA LOOK PRETTY GOOD" "ONCE YOU GET THE COLOR WHEEL GOING." " WE CAN DO BETTER THAN PRETTY GOOD." "YEAH, BY THE RED REINDEER." " ♪ WA ♪" "[Christmas fanfare] narrator:" "POP WAS ALWAYS BIG" "ON HAVING THE RIGHT BALANCE OF BELLS TO LIGHTS TO TINSEL." "BUT THAT YEAR, HE TOOK EXTRA CARE" "IN MAKING SURE EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT." " PUT THAT..." "THERE." "YEAH." "WE LET THEM KNOW WHO'S SHARP DURING THE HOLIDAYS, HUH?" " HEY, COME GET ME." " OKAY, TURDSKI." "KNUCKLE SANDWICH." " HEY." "I ALMOST FORGOT." " YEAH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" " OH, THAT'S MINE." "WHERE'D YOU GET IT?" " LET'S JUST SAY I'M ROBIN HOOD." "I STEAL FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR." " WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M POOR, WISE GUY?" " [sighs]" "HEY, ALL I WAS SAYING WAS THAT THE TEACHERS ARE THE BAD GUYS," "AND WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS." " OKAY." "COME ON." "[laughs]" "YOUR POP'S REAL OLD, ISN'T HE?" " I GUESS SO" "OLDER THAN MY MA IS." " DID THEY HAVE TO GET MARRIED?" " I'M GUESSING THEY WANTED TO." "WHY?" " I'M JUST WONDERING." "MY OLD MAN HAD TO MARRY MY OLD LADY" "SINCE MY BROTHER WAS ALREADY IN THE OVEN." " HOW'S A WOMAN LIKE AN OVEN?" " HOW?" " 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HEAT THEM BOTH UP" "BEFORE YOU STICK IN THE MEATLOAF." " [laughs]" "YOU KNOW," "YOU'RE LUCKY, FELIX." "YOUR OLD MAN'S REAL NEAT." "MINE'S OUT OF TOWN ALL THE TIME FOR WORK," "AND I NEVER GET TO SEE HIM." "narrator:" "LONNY'S POP WAS ACTUALLY IN PRISON," "BUT HE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW I KNEW THAT." " YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT." "I AM LUCKY." "WELL, I'M GETTING SLEEPY." "GOOD NIGHT." " NIGHT, DINGLE BERRY." " I'M RUBBER, AND YOU'RE GLUE." "WHAT EVER YOU SAY BOUNCES OFF OF ME" "AND STICKS TO YOU." " YOU SURE ARE RUBBER, ALL RIGHT..." "FOR A TEENY WEENY TOOTSIE ROLL." " I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?" "THE GATE'S CLOSED, NO BACKSIES." "narrator:" "IF SLEEPING ON WOOD" "MADE ST." "ALOYSIUS A BETTER PERSON..." " [whispers] LONNY." "narrator:" "I WAS WILLING TO GIVE IT A TRY." " OW." "DON'T ASK." "narrator:" "MA AND FRANCES HAD GONE TO THE DINER AFTER MASS" "TO HELP POP," "LEAVING SIMONE IN CHARGE TO MAKE SURE WE MADE IT TO CHURCH." " WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS IN YOUR HAIR, SIMONE?" " THEY'RE SPLAYS." "I'M IN A MODELING SHOW AT G. FOX LATER TODAY." " DON'T LET HER FOOL YOU." "THEY'RE TRANSMITTERS." "SHE'S DATING ROBBY THE ROBOT." " EVEN IF I KNEW WHO THAT WAS," "IT STILL WOULDN'T BE FUNNY." "narrator:" "LONNY DIDN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF SIMONE." "HE JUST KEPT SWALLOWING LIKE HE WAS THIRSTY." " LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT." " SHE CAN GET IT." " THANK YOU." " SIT DOWN BEFORE THESE DELICIOUS PANCAKES GET COLD." " OKAY." "[whoopee cushion trills] [laughter]" " OH!" "OH!" " GOT YOU!" " THAT IS NOT FUNNY!" "I TOLD YOU I WOULD GET YOU NEXT TIME." "OH." "narrator:" "WE DIDN'T SEE SIMONE AGAIN" "FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING," "SO WE WERE LEFT TO FIND OUR OWN WAY TO CHURCH." " WE SHOULD DITCH CHURCH AND GO TO THE MOVIES INSTEAD." " NO WAY." " IT'S ALL THE SAME." "JESUS--GOOD, SATAN--BAD," "NEVER ANY FUN." " BUT I PROMISED MA." " OH, WELL, OKAY THEN, ROSALIE." " HEY, CUT IT OUT." " I'M SORRY, I JUST GET" "ALL THE LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOE GIRLS MIXED UP." "narrator:" "IF HE THOUGHT HE COULD GET ME" "TO WATCH A STUPID MOVIE" "JUST BY CALLING ME A GIRL," "HE WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT." "[dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "NOW, I HAD NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN A HORROR MOVIE" "IN A THEATER BEFORE," "SINCE MY MOTHER WAS ADAMANT THAT THEY'D GIVE ME NIGHTMARES." "BUT I FIGURED, WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?" "[ominous music]" "♪ ♪" " [chuckles]" "OH, MAN, THAT HEAD LOOKED SO FAKE." " YEAH." "narrator:" "A MILLION SCENARIOS RACED THROUGH MY HEAD" "EVERY TIME I HEARD A NOISE THAT NIGHT." "I KNEW IT WAS BETTE DAVIS." "SHE WAS COMING FOR MY HEAD." "OR JUST ONE OF MY SISTERS USING THE BATHROOM." "LONNY WAS RIGHT." "THAT STUPID HEAD DID LOOK PRETTY FAKE." "WHAT WAS I SO SCARED OF?" "[ominous music]" " [screams]" "[all giggling]" " SHE IS SO GROSS." "HOW DOES SHE EAT THAT?" " COME ON, FELIX." " WHAT--WHERE ARE WE GOING?" " HELLO, CLASSMATES." " MIND IF US GENTLEMEN JOIN YOU?" " IT IS STILL FREE COUNTRY." " YOU LOOK OLDER THAN MOST OF THE GIRLS." "HOW OLD ARE YOU?" " 17." "WE HAVE DIFFERENT SCHOOL WHERE I'M FROM." " YEAH, I'M OLDER TOO-- 12." " YOU FROM OTHER SCHOOL TOO?" " NO, JUST DUMB, I GUESS." " [laughs] SILLY BOY." " YOUR ACCENT SURE IS FUNNY." " I NO HAVE ACCENT." "YOUR ACCENT FUNNY." " SAY, "GO BLOW SLOP IN A PAIL."" " GO BLOW SLOPPING PAIL." "[both laugh]" " OH, MY GOD." "THIS IS GREAT." " OKAY, LONNY, YOUR TURN." "SAY... [speaking Russian]" " [speaking gibberish]" "WHAT'D I SAY?" "TELL ME WHAT I SAID." " YOU ESK FEEL, SO YOU GO TO HEADMISTRESS OFFICE TODAY." " YO-DIS?" "WHAT THE HECK IS "YO-DIS"?" " SOFT PLACE." " OW." " MY "ESK."" "[both laughing]" " I PITCHER TODAY." "OKAY, FELLAS?" " I PICK ZHENYA." " I GOOD BASEBALL PLAYER, EH, FELIX?" "BETTER THAN MICKEY MOUSE, DA?" " MICKEY MOUSE." " HE GOOD BASEBALL PLAYER." " I SUPPOSE SO FOR A CARTOON." "NYET,FELIXFUNICELLO." "NO CARTOON." "HE PLAY WITH YANKEES IN NEW YORK." " IT'S MICKEY MANTLE, STUPID." " YOU'RE RIGHT, LONNY." "CARTOON MOUSE STILL BETTER THAN YOU THOUGH." "narrator:" "IT WAS THE FIRST TIME" "LONNY HAD BEEN ON THE RECEIVING END OF AN INSULT," "AND HE KIND OF LIKED IT." " TABLEAU VIVANT." "WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS?" "YES?" " UH, A TABLECLOTH?" " NO, LONNY." "ANYONE ELSE?" "OKAY." "GET READY." "IT MEANS "LIVING PICTURE."" " MADAME, YOU CRAZY." "PICTURE DO NOT LIVE." "THAT'S WHY IT IS CALLED PICTURE." " OUI, OUI, ZHENYA." "I TALKED TO MOTHER FILOMENA," "AND AFTER LEARNING OF MY EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE" "IN THE OTHER LESSON," "SHE HAS AGREED TO LET THE FIFTH GRADE CLASS PERFORM" "A SERIES OF TABLEU FOR THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT THIS YEAR." " WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" " IT MEANS YOU WILL BE THE STARS OF THE SHOW." "narrator:" "BETWEEN MY FAMOUS FAMILY LINEAGE" "AND MY UPCOMING RAERANDYAPPEARCE," "MADAME MUST HAVE KNOWN I WAS ALREADY A STAR IN THE MAKING." " THERE WILL BE FOUR SCENES," "EACH ONE PRESENTED BETWEEN THE OTHER CLASSES' MUSICAL NUMBERS," "ALL LEADING UP TO THE SHOWSTOPPING FINALE" "OF LA NATIVITE." "IMAGINE WHEN THE CURTAINS PART" "TO REVEAL YOU ALL STILL AS STATUES." "YOU WILL HEAR GASPS OF AWE AND WONDER FROM THE AUDIENCE." " LIKE I SAY, LOONEY TUNE." " THERE WILL BE PARTS FOR ALL OF YOU," "FROM SHEPHERDS TO ANGELS" "TO THE HOLY FAMILY." " WHAT ABOUT SANTA CLAUS?" " OF COURSE NOT, DUMMY." "SANTA'S NOT IN THE BIBLE." " WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" " YOU HEARD ME." " WELL, WAIT TILL THE NAACP HEARS ABOUT THIS." " WHAT ABOUT THE BABY JESUS?" " A REAL ENFANT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM," "BUT PERHAPS ONE OF YOU HAS A-- COMMENTDIT" "A BABY DOLL?" " TRES BIEN, JACKIE." " THERE'S SHEEP AT THE FARM THAT WE COULD USE." " YEAH, THEY'RE REAL WELL-BEHAVED AND EVERYTHING." "narrator:" "AND RIGHT ON CUE..." " I WOULD VOLUNTEER TO PLAY THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY." " OKAY, HANDS DOWN." "CLASS, SETTLE DOWN." "THERE WILL BE NO CASTING DECISIONS MADE JUST YET." "AND MOVING ON FROM OUR TABLEAU," "I WILL BE VISITING MY FAMILY IN QUEBEC LATER THIS WEEK." "AND YOU WILL HAVE A..." "REMPLACEMENT" "A REPLACEMENT." "OUI,FRANZ?" " AREN'T YOU ALREADY THE REPLACEMENT?" " D'ACCORD." "YOU SHALL HAVE A REMPLACEMENT FOR YOUR REMPLACEMENT." " WHO WILL IT BE?" " I BELIEVE THAT SISTER AGRIPPINA'S AGREED TO STEP IN." "[all sighing]" " WHAT IS A AGRIPPINA?" "narrator:" "SURE ENOUGH, LATER THAT WEEK," "WE WERE BACK IN THE CLUTCHES OF THE ENFORCER." " TAKE OUT YOUR ARITHMETIC BOOKS AND A SHEET OF PAPER." "COMPLETE PROBLEMS ONE THROUGH TEN ON PAGE 52." "narrator:" "I HAD SEEN THAT LOOK ON HER FACE BEFORE." "IT SAID, "TRY ANYTHING," "AND THE PAIN I INFLICT IN RETURN WILL MAKE YOU PRAY YOU HADN'T."" "ALL OF US KNEW BETTER THAN TO CROSS HER..." "ALMOST ALL OF US." " YOUNG LADY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" "I DON'T SPEAK SIGN LANGUAGE." " PENCIL SHARPENER." " I DON'T REMEMBER YOU RAISING YOUR HAND" "AND ASKING FOR PERMISSION." " NO PERMISSION." "WHY IS BIG DEAL YOU MAKING OF THIS?" " YOU ARE BEING OPENLY DEFIANT," "AND THAT IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE." " WHY YOU NO GO BLOW SLOP IN PAIL?" "[all gasping]" " [slaps]" "narrator:" "WOW." "YOU'D THINK A STUNT LIKE THAT" "WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ZHENYA KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL FOR GOOD," "BUT MADAME WAS QUICK TO JUMP TO HER DEFENSE" "WHEN SHE RETURNED." " SISTER AGRIPPINA HAS BEEN TRANSFERRED FROM ST." "ALOYSIUS" "FOR GOOD." " [exhales sharply]" "I MYSELF KNOW THE CONFUSION OF BEING IN A NOUVELLE CULTURE." " NO NEED FOR FRENCH HERE, MRS. FRECHETTE." "WE'RE ALL AWARE THAT YOU ARE FROM MONTREAL." " QUEBEC CITY, ACTUALLY." " EVEN WORSE." " [sighs]" "PLEASE, PLEASE," "GIVE MISS ZHENYA ONE MORE SHOT." "I ASSURE YOU, JUST TO" "COMMENTDIT?" "MISUNDERSTANDING." " SHE IS YOUR STUDENT," "FOR THE TIME BEING, AT LEAST." "SO I SHALL LEAVE IT IN YOUR HANDS." "MAY GOD HELP US ALL." " ATTENTION, CLASS." "MADEMOISELLE ROSALIE WOULD LIKE" "TO PRESENT HER EXTRA CREDIT PROJECT FOR THE CLASS." "MADEMOISELLE?" " "RUSSIANS," "AND ARE THEY A THREAT TO AMERICA?"" "BY ROSALIE TWERSKI." "FIRST OF ALL," "RUSSIANS ARE ATHEISTS AND DO NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS." "SECOND OF ALL" " WHAT SHE TALK ABOUT?" "WE GO TO RUSSIAN ORTHODOX CHURCH IN USA." "WE LOVE CHRISTMAS." "narrator:" "ZHENYA KNEW EXACTLY HOW TO FIRE BACK AT ROSALIE," "AND THE COMPETITION WAS OFFICIALLY ON." " AND THIRD," "RUSSIAN SPIES CONTINUE TO INFILTRATE THE UNITED STATES" "TO STEAL THE SECRET OF THE ATOM BOMB." " BLESSED ART THOU AMONGST WOMEN," "AND BLESSED IS FRUIT OF THY WOMB." " ZHENYA... [speaking Russian] [sighs] narrator:" "AS THE PAGEANT APPROACHED," "BOTH GIRLS BEGAN DROPPING SUBTLE HINTS" "ABOUT WHO DESERVED THE ROLE OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN." " BONJOUR, MADAME FRECHETTE." " BONJOUR, ROSALIE." " HI." "HEY, ROSALIE, WHAT ARE YOU, SLOW?" "THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR NECK." " I HAPPEN TO HAVE A HEAD COLD." "[coughs]" "MY CURRENT EVENT IS AN ARTICLE I FOUND IN THE HARTFORD TIMES" "ABOUT AN EXPERIMENTAL PROGRAM CALLED SUBSCRIPTION TELEVISION." "IT'S ABOUT HOW PEOPLE WILL PAY TO HAVE CHANNELS" "THEY DON'T NORMALLY GET ON THEIR TVs." "YES, FELIX?" " WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?" "IT'S LIKE PAYING FOR WATER" "WHEN IT COMES OUT OF THE SINK FOR FREE." " I DON'T KNOW." "IT DOESN'T GET INTO PACIFICS, OKAY?" "DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE ANY GOOD QUESTIONS?" " TRES BIEN, ROSALIE." "YOU MAY TAKE YOUR SEAT." "[sighs]" "YOUR TURN, FELIX." " MY CURRENT EVENT IS ME," "FELIX FUNICELLO." "AT THE END OF THE WEEK," "I'LL BE TAKING A BUS TO HARTFORD" "WITH THE OTHER MIDSHIPMEN" "TO APPEAR ON THERANGERANDYSHOW." " OH, LIVE TELEVISION." "HOW EXCITING." " YEAH, WELL, MY COUSIN ANNETTE FUNICELLO" "HAS BEEN ON TV, LIKE, A BILLION TIMES," "SO IT'S KIND OF FAMILY TRADITION." "ZHENYA?" " WHO IS THIS COUSIN YOU SAY?" "THIS ANNETTE FUNICELLO?" " SHE USED TO BE A MOUSEKETEER," "BUT NOW SHE'S A BIG-TIME MOVIE STAR." " MOVIE STAR AT CINEMA?" "WOW, FELIX." "YOUR COUSIN REAL BIG SHOT IN THE HOLLYWOOD, DA?" " YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER MET HER," "BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE SHE'S REALLY BUSY." "YES, ROSALIE?" " I JUST WANT TO HELP OUT OUR NEW STUDENT" "BY EXPLAINING THAT IT'S "CINEMA," NOT "CEEN-EEMA."" "YOU KNOW, LIKE COMMITTING A SIN." "REPEAT AFTER ME, ZHENYA." "CIN-E-MA." " THAT IS WHAT I SAY." "YOU BETTER SHOULD DIG WAX OUT OF YOUR EAR WITH SHOVEL." " [laughs]" " NO, YOU DIDN'T." "YOU SAID "CEEN-EEMA."" " MADEMOISELLE," "IF ZHENYA WOULD LIKE TO WORK ON HER PRONUNCIATION," "I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP HER AT RECESS." " UH-UH, NYET." "DURING RECESS, I PLAY BASEBALL WITH THE FELLAS." " WELL, JUST KEEP ON EMBARRASSING YOURSELF" "IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, THEN." " YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME, ROSALIE." "IT'S PRONOUNCED "SPECIFIC."" " SO?" " SO YOU PRONOUNCED IT "PACIFIC" EARLIER." "YOU DO IT A LOT, ACTUALLY." " I DO NOT." " [laughs] YEAH, YOU DO, ROSE." " WELL, IF SHE SAYS "PA-CIFIC,"" "HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD IT?" "AND I'M OVER HER HOUSE ALL THE TIME." " TRES BIEN, CHILDREN." " REPEAT AFTER ME, ROSALIE," ""SPE-CIFIC."" " I DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT AFTER ANYONE" "BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT," "SO YOU CAN JUST GO SHUT YOUR FACE, DONDI!" " MADEMOISELLE!" "THAT SORT OF OUTBURST DESERVES A CHECK MINUS." " I DIDN'T SAY HE HAD TO SHUT HIS FACE, MADAME." "I SAID HE COULD IF HE WANTED TO." " PLEASE FINISH, MONSIEUR." " ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?" " WHEN YOU GO ON TV," "AREN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA BREAK THE CAMERA" "BECAUSE YOU'RE SO UGLY?" " THAT IS ENOUGH!" "[bell rings] [scoffs, speaks French]" "OH, HURRY BACK AFTER RECESS." "I SHALL REVEAL ALL OF THE CASTING DECISIONS" "FOR THE TABLEAU." " SHE CAN'T PLAY THE VIRGIN MARY." "I MEAN, SHE HAS AN ACCENT." " BUT NOBODY HAS TO SAY ANYTHING." " SO?" "WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?" " WHAT IS SHE EVEN DOING IN THIS COUNTRY?" " I BET HER PARENTS ARE COMMUNIST SPIES." " FELIX." "YOU'LL BE ON MY TEAM TODAY?" " CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?" " SURE." "WE ARE FRIENDS, FELIX FUNICELLO." "YOU ASK ME ANYTHING." " WHY'D YOUR FAMILY LEAVE RUSSIA?" " WE LEAVE." " SO YOU'RE NOT SPIES?" " WHO SAY THAT?" " ROSALIE." " ROSALIE NOTHING BUT..." "BLYAD." " WHAT'S THAT?" " LIKE, UM," "PROSTITUTE" "YOU KNOW, GIRL WHO DOES NAUGHTY THINGS WITH BOYS." " OH, A CHICKY BOOM BOOM." " DA, CHICKY BOOM BOOM." "COME ON, FELIX." " ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." " HI, FELLAS." " WHO'S PLAYING?" "WANT TO PLAY KNOCKOUT?" " LIKE BOXING?" "I GOOD AT THAT." " IT'S BASKETBALL." " NYET, NO BASKETBALL." "I LIKE BASEBALL OR DODGEBALL." " AIN'T YOU PLAYING?" " NO, NOT TODAY." " ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO." "I CALL FIRST." "[laughter]" "[whistle chirps] [all gasp]" " ALL FIFTH GRADE GIRLS" "ARE TO REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY" "FOR AN EMERGENCY MEETING!" "AND, BOYS, I WANT YOU RUNNING LAPS AROUND THE COURTYARD" "AS PENANCE FOR YOUR LURID BEHAVIOR!" "NOW!" "LADIES." " HEY, WHAT WAS THAT MEETING ABOUT?" " WHAT'S PENGUINS KNOW ABOUT KISSING BOYS?" "THEY SAY I GO TO HELL" "FOR OPENING MYSELF FOR SIN." " ATTENTION, CLASS." "IT'S TIME TO REVEAL THE CASTING FOR THE TABLEAU." "BIEN,BIEN." "YOU SHOULD IMMEDIATELY GET STARTED ON YOUR COSTUME" "AND DECIDE WHICH REFRESHMENT YOU'LL BE BRINGING" "FOR THE PAGEANT AFTER-PARTY." "narrator:" "MADAME'S EXCITEMENT WAS BECOMING CONTAGIOUS," "AND I COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT STARRING ROLE" "SHE HAD GIVEN ME." " THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY?" " [laughs]" " CONGRATULATIONS, JOSEPH." " REALLY?" "WHO'S MARY?" " PAULINE PAPELBON?" "MADAME, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME SORT OF MISTAKE." " THERE ARE NO MISTAKE." "YOU'LL BE PLAYING A PIVOTAL ROLE OF A SHEPHERDESS" "ALONGSIDE ZHENYA." " OKAY BE ME, TEACHER LADY." " OKAY, BACK TO YOUR SEAT." " BUT..." "THIS IS NOT OVER BY A LONG SHOT." " OH, SHUT UP, TURDSKI, YOU LOST." " DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?" " YOU'LL BE SERVING DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL FOR THAT, MONSIEUR." "[OLittleTownofBethlehem playing] [soft piano music]" "♪ ♪" "[knocking]" " MRS. FRECHETTE," "MAY WE SPEAK WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT?" " OF COURSE." " IT'S ABOUT THE CASTING FOR YOUR TABLEAU." " UH, YES, WHAT ABOUT IT?" " FIRST OF ALL," "I THINK WE CAN ALL APPRECIATE" "THAT MRS. FRECHETTE IS NEWLY ARRIVED" "AND MIGHT NOT NECESSARILY KNOW THE WORKINGS OF OUR SCHOOL YET." " UH, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, MOTHER FILOMENA?" " I'M SURE THAT THIS PAULINE IS A LOVELY YOUNG LADY," "BUT IS SHE REALLY CAPABLE OF SUCH A DEMANDING ROLE?" "I MEAN, CLEARLY, HER OVEREATING STEMS" "FROM THAT MOTHER OF HERS BEING UNSTABLE" "EMOTIONALLY, THAT IS." " I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT PAULINE'S HOME LIFE" "HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING." "SHE IS A VERY RESPECTFUL, WELL-BEHAVED STUDENT." " BUT SHOULDN'T THE SMARTEST" "AND THE HARDEST-WORKING STUDENT IN THE CLASS" "BE THE ONE TO REPRESENT THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY?" " AS USUAL, TWERSKI IMPRESSIONS WILL BE PRINTING THE PROGRAM" "FREE OF CHARGE." "AND WE WERE PLANNING ON HAVING A THREE-COLOR COVER THIS YEAR." " DID YOU HEAR THAT, MRS. FRECHETTE?" "THREE." "MY STARS, WITH OUR BUDGET AS TIGHT AS IT IS," "WE ARE THANKING THE LORD AND THE HEAVENS ABOVE" "FOR SUCH A GENEROUS DONATION." " I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT THERE'S AN OPENING" "FOR A FULL-TIME SUBSTITUTE" "AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH SISTER AGRIPPINA" "AND THAT AWFUL RUSSIAN GIRL." " PLEASE, MADAME?" "PLEASE?" " FINISHED." " OH, BIEN, FELIX." "YOU MAY GO." " CAN I SAY SOMETHING FIRST?" " THIS IS A PRIVATE MEETING." " [shushes]" "WHAT IS IT, FELIX?" " I JUST WANTED TO SAY" "I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT MADAME FRECHETTE," "AS A TEACHER, IS JUST TOPS." "TRESMAGNIFIQUE." "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WIPE DOWN THE BOARD FOR YOU, MADAME?" " YES, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL, FELIX." "MERCI." "[sighs]" "TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH," "I REALLY DON'T HAVE THE HEART TO TAKE THE ROLE AWAY FROM PAULINE," "BUT IF ROSALIE WISHES TO PLAY A KING," "I'M SURE THAT NONE OF THE BOYS WOULD MIND SWITCHING THEIR PART." " I THINK THAT'S A VERY GOOD COMPROMISE." " SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, MADEMOISELLE?" "WHICH GIFT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BRING?" "GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, OR MYRRH?" " WHAT THE HEY, HONEY?" "GO FOR THE GOLD." " FINE." " WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A VERY SUCCESSFUL MEETING." " THANKS A LOT, MRS. FRECHETTE." "OUR LITTLE PRINCESS REALLY APPRECIATES IT." "DON'T YOU, SWEETIE?" " YES, THANK YOU, MADAME FRECHETTE." " [sighs]" "MONSIEUR DONDI." "narrator:" "I'LL NEVER BE SURE," "BUT I COULD SWEAR IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS HOLDING BACK TEARS." "MERCI." " [sneezes]" "SO ROSALIE ENDED UP COMPLAINING HER WAY UP" "FROM A SHEPHERDESS TO ONE OF THE THREE KINGS." " HOLD ONE TO THE SIDE." " IS THIS THE TWERSKI GIRL?" " THE RAT FINK HERSELF." " I THINK IT'S CUTE THAT YOU GUYS" "ARE ALWAYS PICKING ON EACH OTHER BACK AND FORTH." " THERE'S NOTHING CUTE ABOUT ROSALIE TURDSKI." " FELIX, DON'T BE STUPID." "SHE CLEARLY LIKES YOU" "LIKELIKESYOU." " EW, GROSS." "NO, SHE DOESN'T." " WHEN I WAS IN THE FIFTH GRADE," "IF A GIRL REALLY LIKED A GUY," "SHE'D MAKE HIS LIFE A LIVING HELL." "[both giggling]" " [speaking French]" " MADAME, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " I'M MAKING ROOM FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL DECORATION." " BUT I WORKED HARD ON THOSE." " JUST FOR THE HOLIDAYS." "[sighs]" "OURS WILL BE THE BEST-DRESSED ROOM IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL." "narrator:" "IF YOU ASK ME," "MADAME WAS NONE TOO PLEASED" "WITH ROSALIE GOING BEHIND HER BACK" "AFTER THEIR MEETING" "AND FINAGLING A WAY TO STILL BE THE STAR OF THE PAGEANT." " THIS IS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL, ROSALIE." " I COULD JUST FEEL OUR LORD'S ENERGY" "WORKING THROUGH MY HANDS AS I WROTE IT." " OH, MY." " I CALL IT, JESUS IS THEREASONFORTHE SEASON." "CAN I PERFORM IT AT THE PAGEANT?" "I WILL, OF COURSE, PLAY THE BEAUTIFUL NARRATOR." " THE NARRATOR" "I WILL SPEAK WITH MRS. FRECHETTE ABOUT THIS." " AND BEFORE EVERYONE LEAVE FOR THE DAY... [sighs]" "I WOULD LIKE FOR US ALL TO WISH FELIX GOOD LUCK" "ON HIS TELEVISION APPEARANCE TOMORROW." "I KNOW WE WILL ALL BE WATCHING." "narrator:" "WITH ALL THAT PAGEANT EXCITEMENT," "I'D ALMOST COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT RANGER ANDY." "IN HONOR OF MY BIG DEBUT," "POP LUGGED OUR TELEVISION SET DOWN TO THE DINER" "AND SPREAD THE WORD TO ALL THE REGULARS" "THAT HE'D HAVE FREE PIE AND COFFEE" "FOR THE RANGER ANDY BROADCAST." " MAKE US PROUD, LIX." "DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO." " YEAH, DON'T CHOKE WHEN YOU GET UP THERE." " CHOKE ON WHAT?" " SHE MEANS DON'T FREEZE UP." " HE'S GONNA DO JUST FINE." "AREN'T YOU, FELIX?" "narrator:" "THAT NIGHT, I WAS A BUNDLE OF NERVES." "WHAT IF I DID CHOKE ON LIVE TELEVISION?" "I'D BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL," "ESPECIALLY TO ROSALIE TWERSKI." "NO, EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE FINE." "EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE JUST... [ominous music]" " [whispers] POP." "POP." " FELIX, WHAT'S WRONG?" " I'M THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN." " ABOUT WHAT?" " THE HEAD." " [sighs]" "FELIX, I TOLD YOU." "IT'S JUST YOUR IMAGINATION." "NOW GO BACK TO SLEEP BEFORE YOU WAKE YOUR MOTHER." " I CAN'T." " WELL, I'M NOT SLEEPING IN YOUR ROOM." "ONCE WAS ENOUGH." " I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD SLEEP IN HERE WITH YOU." " [sighs]" "I DON'T KNOW, FELIX." "YOU'RE TEN YEARS OLD." "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE MUCH?" " PLEASE, POP?" " SAL, JUST LET HIM STAY" "SO WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO SLEEP." " FINE." "GO GET YOUR SLEEPING BAG." "[sighs]" " [whispering] FELIX..." "FELIX..." " WHO'S THAT?" "[soft ominous music]" "♪ ♪" " FELIX..." "HELP ME, FELIX." " IS THAT YOU, SIMONE?" "♪ ♪" " IT'S THE HEAD." " [screams]" " WHAT'S GOING ON?" "[laughter]" "narrator:" "NONE OF US WERE ABLE TO GET BACK TO SLEEP," "SO THE NEXT DAY, I WAS SURVIVING ON PURE ADRENALINE." "all: ♪ BEER ON THE WALL ♪" "♪ 85 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL ♪" "♪ 85 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪" "♪ TAKE ONE DOWN ♪" "♪ PASS IT AROUND ♪" " MA." "I DON'T THINK DANNY'S FEELING SO GOOD." " HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?" "WHAT'S WRONG?" "OH--OH, MY-- MY, MY, MY" "WE HAVE TO PULL OVER." " [sighs]" "all: ♪ 83 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL ♪" "♪ 83 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪" " FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY," "SHUT UP!" "[sighs]" " AND AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS IS WHERE IT ALL HAPPENS." "FUN FACT-- narrator:" "THE RANGER STATION WAS NOTHING LIKE IT LOOKED ON TV," "BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER." " REAL, LIVE WOOD." "narrator:" "THIS WAS THE BIG-TIME." " SPEAKING OF WHICH," "WHO'S THAT COMING DOWN THE TRAIL OVER THERE?" "all:" "RANGER ANDY!" " AND HOW ARE ALL MY JUNIOR RANGERS TODAY?" "all:" "GREAT." " ALL RIGHT." "NOW, WHEN THE SHOW STARTS," "I'M GONNA LEAD YOU IN THROUGH THAT DOOR," "AND YOU ALL ARE GONNA COME IN AND INTRODUCE YOURSELVES." "WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IS STARE AT THE MICROPHONE." "BECAUSE IF YOU DO," "THIS IS WHAT Y'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE ON TV... [laughter]" "OKAY, NOW," "HMM..." "WHO WOULD LIKE TO VOLUNTEER" "TO BRING DOWN THE MAILBAG TODAY?" "narrator:" "IT WAS A KNOWN FACT" "THAT THE KID WHO BROUGHT THE MAILBAG DOWN" "GOT THE MOST SCREEN TIME." " HOW ABOUT YOU, YOUNG MAN?" "ALL RIGHT, THEN." "narrator:" "RATS." " PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THAT WE LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER." "MA EVEN HAS THIS PICTURE OF THE TWO OF US" "IN A PLAYPEN WHEN WE WERE VERY LITTLE," "AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL US APART." " SIMONE, ANNETTE IS, LIKE, FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN YOU." " SHE WAS VERY SMALL FOR HER AGE, FRANCES." " OH, HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S ON." " ♪ MY NAME IS RANGER ANDY ♪" "♪ AND I'VE TRAVELED ALL AROUND ♪" "♪ AND I AM WRITING YOU A SONG ♪" "♪ ABOUT THE THINGS I'VE FOUND ♪" "♪ I'LL SING ABOUT THE MYSTERIES ♪ [applause]" " LOOK ALIVE, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES." "DID EVERYONE USE THE BATHROOM?" "GOOD?" "OKAY." "WIPE YOUR NOSE." "EVERYONE, STAND BY." "narrator:" "THIS WAS IT." "IN A FEW SECONDS, I, FELIX FUNICELLO," "WOULD BE A BONA FIDE TELEVISION CELEBRITY." "NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT." " READY, RANGER ANDY?" " READY WHEN YOU ARE." " WE ARE GOING LIVE IN FIVE," "FOUR, THREE..." " HI, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO THE RANGER STATION." "MY, WE GOT A LOT OF BOYS AND GIRLS COMING DOWN THE TRAIL," "SO LET ME BRING THEM IN." "THEN THEY CAN INTRODUCE THEMSELVES." "WELL, WELCOME TO THE RANGER STATION." "COME ON IN." "TAKE A SEAT." "narrator:" "DANNY MIGHT HAVE LOOKED CLEANED UP," "BUT THE SECOND THOSE HOT LIGHTS HIT HIS UNIFORM..." " A LOT OF SAILORS TODAY, HUH?" " ALL RIGHT." "OKAY, HERE COME THE SCOUTS." "GREAT." "MORE SAILORS." " CONGRATULATIONS, SAL." "WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU." " BOBBY LUBACHINO." " KEVIN." " BRANDON." " DANNY." " FELIX FUNICELLO." "[cheers and applause]" " WHICH ONE OF OUR GUESTS WOULD LIKE TO COME DOWN" "AND LEAD US IN THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TODAY?" "narrator:" "THIS WAS MY SHOT." " HOW ABOUT YOU, YOUNG LADY?" "AND STAND HERE ON THE BLUE DOT FOR ME." "THERE WE GO." "RIGHT OVER THERE." "THAT'S PERFECT." "ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU." "ALL RIGHT, YOU ALL KNOW THE CHINGDONGDIDDLESONG,RIGHT?" "all:" "YES!" " ALL RIGHT." "OKAY, A-ONE, TWO, ONE, TWO, THREE." "all: ♪ CHING DONG DIDDLE AND A HI-DEE-DEE ♪" "♪ SING ALONG, MY FRIENDS ♪" "♪ CHING DONG DIDDLE, SING ALONG WITH ME ♪" "♪ THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS ♪" "♪ CHING DONG DIDDLE AND A HI-DEE-DEE ♪" "♪ SING ALONG WITH ME ♪" "♪ THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS ♪" " WE CAN'T BE SURE OUR MEALS SUPPLY ENOUGH VITAMINS." " AND I NEED THEM TO STAY STRONG AND HEALTHY." " WELL, A SINGLE ONE-A-DAY MULTIPLE VITAMIN TABLET DAILY" "GIVES YOU ALL THE VITAMINS CHILDREN OR GROWN-UPS" "NORMALLY NEED TO TAKE." " I KNOW ALL YOU KIDS TAKE THEM." " ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TIME TO CALL DOWN" "SOME OF OUR SPECIAL STATION GUESTS." "NOW, WHO HAS A REALLY GREAT JOKE TODAY?" " YOU, SIR, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?" " HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN AN ELEPHANT'S BEEN IN YOUR FRIDGE?" " HMM..." "I DON'T KNOW." "HOW?" "YOU CAN SEE THEIR FOOTPRINTS IN THE BUTTER." "[laughter]" " THAT'S A GOOD ONE." " THAT'S CUTE." "IT'S CUTE." "THAT'S CUTE." "YEAH." " OKAY, WHO ELSE HAS A GOOD JOKE?" "WHAT DO YOU GOT?" " WHY IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO STARVE IN THE DESERT?" " OOH." "NOW, THAT'S A HEAD-SCRATCHER." "WHY?" " BECAUSE OF ALL THE SANDWICHES THERE." "[laughter]" " ANOTHER GOOD ONE." "ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TIME FOR JUST ONE MORE JOKE." "narrator:" "THE SHOW WAS ALMOST OVER." " NOW, WHO HAS A REALLY GREAT ONE?" "narrator:" "THIS WAS MY LAST CHANCE" "TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT." "BUT I DIDN'T KNOW ANY JOKES." "DID I?" " YOU DO?" "COME ON." "LET'S HEAR IT." " HOW IS A WOMAN LIKE AN OVEN?" " WELL, I DON'T KNOW." "HOW?" " 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HEAT THEM BOTH UP" "BEFORE YOU STICK IN THE MEATLOAF." "[laughs]" " CUT IT." "[television beeps]" " [laughing]" "narrator:" "POP HADN'T SAID A WORD" "SINCE HE PICKED US UP FROM THE BUS STOP." "IT WAS UP TO ME TO GENTLY BREAK THE ICE." " HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS A DIRTY JOKE?" " FELIX." "YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND REPEATING ANYTHING YOU HEAR." " LOOK, WHAT YOUR FATHER IS FAILING MISERABLY" "AT TRYING TO SAY TO YOU" "IS THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO US" "IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING" "BEFORE YOU BROADCAST IT ACROSS THE STATE" "ON LIVE TELEVISION." " DON'T WORRY, 'CAUSE I NEVER WANT TO BE" "IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE AGAIN." "I'M QUITTING THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT TOMORROW." " LIKE HELL YOU ARE." " OH, NO--SAL." "YOU KNOW, HONEY, WHAT WOULD COUSIN ANNETTE DO?" "WOULD SHE GIVE UP THAT EASILY?" " I GUESS NOT." " NO, OF COURSE NOT." "EXACTLY." "AND DON'T WORRY, BY TOMORROW," "NOBODY WILL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED." "narrator:" "WALKING INTO CLASS THAT DAY," "I HAD PREPARED MYSELF FOR THE WORST." "BUT NO ONE SAID A WORD." "WHEN YOU'RE TEN YEARS OLD," "THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN GETTING LAUGHED AT" "IS GETTING THE SILENT TREATMENT." " [whispering] WHAT'S GOING ON?" "WHY IS EVERYONE SO QUIET?" " [whispering] FRECHETTE THREATENED EVERYONE" "WITH CHECK MINUSES IF WE TALKED ABOUT THE SHOW." " [sighs] DID YOU WATCH?" " BEST EPISODE OF RANGER ANDY EVER." "[laughter]" " HEY, NICE OUTFIT." "WHERE'D YOU GET IT?" " MY AUNT, AND I WOULDN'T BE TALKING, JOHNNY TREMAIN." " FORMIDABLE." "OH, INTERESTING CHOICE, PAULINE." " THANK YOU." "I GOT IT FROM MY NEIGHBORS, THE MARGISELLAS." " TRES BIEN." "OOH, ZHENYA, YOU GOT A LITTLE SCISSOR-HAPPY" "WITH THE COSTUME, NO?" " NYET." "IT FIT ME BETTER THAN THE OTHER GIRLS." " BON." "PLACES, EVERYONE." " HELLO, I AM YOUR NARRATOR." "AND THIS PLAY IS ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS." "HERE COMES THE SAINTS." "[shushes] LET'S LISTEN." " I'M ALOYSIUS GONZAGA." "I WAS KIND TO CHILDREN AND LEPERS" "AND SAID THE HAIL MARY" "EVERY TIME I CLIMBED UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS" "BEFORE I DIED OF THE PLAGUE." "[soft laughter]" "IN AMERICA," "WHICH HASN'T YET BEEN DISCOVERED," "A WONDERFUL SCHOOL WILL BE NAMED AFTER ME." "LOOK, HERE COMES ST." "THERESE." " HI, MY NAME IS ST." "THERESE." "I LOVED GOD SO MUCH" "THAT I WOULD SLEEP UNDER A HEAVY BLANKET IN THE SUMMER" "AND NOT USE THE BLANKET DURING THE WINTER" "WHEN I WAS FREEZING COLD." "I DIED OF TUBERCULOSIS AT THE AGE OF 24." "OH, LOOK WHO'S COMING." "IT'S MARTIN DE PORRES." " YES, IT IS ME," "THE SAINT OF HAIRDRESSERS." "I LOVE ANIMALS" "AND WAS SO HAPPY TO FINALLY BECOME A SAINT IN THE YEAR 1962." "BUT TODAY I AM VERY, VERY SAD." " THE SAINTS START TO TALK TO EACH OTHER." " WHY ARE YOU SAD, ST." "MARTIN?" "IS IT BECAUSE THERE ARE" "STILL SO MANY PREJUDICED PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD?" " NO." "THAT'S NOT IT." " ST." "MARTIN DE PORRES PUTS HIS HANDS OVER HIS FACE" "AND STARTS TO CRY." " THAT'S IT." "I QUIT." " YOU CAN'T QUIT." "YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN OUR CLASS WHO CAN PLAY ST." "MARTIN." " OH, YEAH?" "WHY IS THAT?" " BECAUSE..." "YOU JUST ARE." " I AIN'T CRYING IN FRONT OF MY FATHER AND BROTHERS." " FINE." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY." "YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK REAL SAD." "OKAY?" " FINE." " CAN WE FINISH UP NOW?" "narrator:" "AFTER WHAT FELT LIKE AN ETERNITY," "ROSALIE'S PLAY FINALLY REACHED ITS GRAND FINALE." " THIS IS TERRIBLE." " [laughs]" " AND SO THE THREE SAINTS RODE ALL NIGHT LONG" "WITH SANTA AND HIS SLEIGH." "AND IN THE MORNING," "BEFORE OPENING THEIR PRESENTS," "THE CHILDREN KNELT DOWN AND THANKED GOD" "FOR SENDING HIS ONLY SON DOWN TO THE EARTH." "AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY," "EXCEPT FOR THE ATHEISTS." "THE END." " ROSALIE, DID MOTHER FILOMENA READ THE ENTIRE PLAY" "BEFORE APPROVING IT?" "WELL, PERHAPS WE'LL REWORD A LITTLE BIT" "BEFORE THE PERFORMANCE." " WHAT IS IT, FELIX?" " THAT ENDING DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE." "HOW COULD THEY RIDE AROUND WITH SOMEONE" "THAT'S NOT EVEN REAL?" " SANTA IS TOO REAL!" "HOW ELSE DO THE PRESENTS GET UNDER THE TREE, HUH?" " IT'S STILL A DUMB ENDING." " NOT AS DUMB AS YOU ARE!" " OKAY, CHILDREN." "[claps]" "WE'RE OUT OF TIME." "BUT A FEW WORDS BEFORE YOU GO." "YOU MUST REMEMBER" "THAT WHILE THE OTHER CLASSES ARE CELEBRATING LA NATIVITE" "WITH THEIR SONGS," "YOU ARE THE ONES WHO WILL EMBODY IT." "SHOULD YOU HAVE AN ITCH," "YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE TO SCRATCH IT." " WHAT IF WE HAVE TO SNEEZE?" " YOU MUST SUPPRESS IT," "PERHAPS BY DIGGING YOUR FINGERNAILS INTO YOUR LEG" "AND DRAWING A DROP OR TWO OF BLOOD" "OR MAYBE OF THINKING OF SOMETHING REALLY SAD," "LIKE--LIKE A DEAD PUPPY." "BUT YOU MUST NEVER BREAK THE ILLUSION" "THAT YOU ARE A THREE-DIMENSIONAL PAINTING," "JUST AS BREATHTAKING AS ANY IN THE LOUVRE." "narrator:" "MADAME'S SPEECH DID NOTHING TO CALM MY STAGE FRIGHT." "I COULDN'T GET A BLINK OF SLEEP THE NIGHT BEFORE THE PAGEANT." "I WAS SO NERVOUS," "I COULD HAVE FILLED UP A DOZEN LEPER SLOP PAILS." "POP HAD TO KEEP THE DINER OPEN LATE AND WOULD MISS THE SHOW," "BUT MA AND MY SISTERS WOULD BE THERE TO WITNESS" "MY IMPENDING FAILURE." "BUT THEN AGAIN, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING." "ALL I HAD TO DO WAS STAND THERE." "EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE OKAY." " CHARLOTTE-- CHARLOTTE, WHAT IS IT?" "[ominous music]" "♪ ♪" " [screaming] [dog barks] narrator:" "OR NOT." " THE OTHER ONE WOULDN'T GET ON THE TRUCK." " SO WE BROUGHT THIS ONE INSTEAD," "ON ACCOUNT OF WE COULD JUST CARRY HIM." " PA SAID NOBODY WOULD NOTICE ANYWAYS." " THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD." "[applause]" " NO." "NO, REALLY, REALLY." "REALLY, THANK YOU." "AND WELCOME TO ST." "ALOYSIUS-- [coughs]" "EXCUSE ME" "ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PAGEANT." " THAT'S HOW RUMORS GET STARTED." " WE HAVE A WONDERFUL SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT," "AND ALL THE KIDS HAVE WORKED SO HARD ON THIS PLAY." "AND WE HAVE AN ORIGINAL PLAY" "WRITTEN BY ONE OF OUR STUDENTS." "AND IT-- IT IS CALLED" "JESUSISTHEREASON FORTHESEASON." "BUT THERE IS THE CUTEST LITTLE BLACK" "WHOA." "OH, OH." "WHOA." "YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT WHERE YOU PUT THESE MIC CORDS." " YOU KNOW, IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS." " ANYWAY, THIS LAMB'S GOT THIS LITTLE WHITE COLLAR," "AND IT IS SO CUTE." "AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE LAMB," "BUT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE KIDS, AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE PLAY." "SO GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU, AND THANK YOU," "AND HAVE A GREAT TIME, AND--AND" "YEAH, OKAY." "[applause]" "OKAY." "SECOND GRADERS, YOU'RE UP." "ALL RIGHT, KIDS," "MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD." " THAT MEANS OUR FIRST TABLEAU WILL BE UP AFTER THEM." "MONSIEUR FRANZ," "MADEMOISELLE PAULINE," "L'ANNONCIATION." "children:" "♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪" "♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH, HEY ♪" "♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS ♪" "♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪" "♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪" "♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪ [applause]" " ♪ AVE ♪" "♪ MARIA ♪" "♪ GRATIA ♪" "♪ PLENA ♪" "♪ MARIA ♪" "♪ GRATIA ♪" "♪ PLENA ♪" "♪ MARIA ♪" "♪ GRATIA ♪" "♪ PLENA ♪" "♪ AVE ♪" "♪ AVE DOMINUS ♪" "♪ DOMINUS TECUM ♪" " DID HE JUST EAT HIS BOOGER?" "[both laugh]" " WHY IS MARY DRESSED LIKE SCHEHERAZADE?" " I DON'T KNOW." " WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CRITICIZE EVERYTHING?" " I DON'T HAVE TO;" "I WANT TO." " LIKE, IF YOU RAN THE WORLD, EVERYTHING WOULD BE PERFECT." " PROBABLY." " YEAH, YEAH." " YES, IT IS ME," "THE SAINT OF ALL HAIRDRESSERS." "I LOVE ANIMALS" "AND WAS SO HAPPY TO FINALLY BECOME A SAINT IN THE YEAR 1962." "BUT TODAY..." "I AM VERY, VERY SAD." " SO THE SAINTS START TO TALK TO EACH OTHER." " WHY ARE YOU SAD, ST." "MARTIN?" " IS IT BECAUSE THERE'S STILL SO MANY PREJUDICED PEOPLE" "IN THE WORLD?" " THERE ARE?" " UM, WHY, YES, ST." "MARTIN." " WELL, WAIT TILL THE NAACP HEARS ABOUT THIS." "[laughter]" " YOU RUINED MY PLAY." " I THINK I IMPROVED IT." " THAT WAS MARVELOUS, SWEETIE." "girls: ♪ ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH ♪" "♪ SWEETLY SINGING O'ER THE PLAINS ♪" "♪ AND THE MOUNTAINS IN REPLY ♪" "♪ ECHOING THEIR JOYOUS STRAINS ♪" "♪ GLO-OH-OH-OH ♪" "♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-ORIA ♪" " MADAME FRECHETTE, MY STOMACH HURTS." " IT'S OKAY, PAULINE." "IT'S JUST NERVES." "narrator:" "OR THE HALF DOZEN SNO BALLS SHE'D INHALED" "THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR THE AFTER-PARTY." " I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK." " MADAME, COULD YOU TAKE PAULINE TO THE TOILET, S'IL VOUS PLAIT?" " SHOULDN'T" " MADAME" " OKAY, FINE." "COME ALONG." " [vomiting]" " OH!" "DAMN IT." "narrator:" "THE PUKE, THE LIGHTS" "IT WAS RANGER ANDY ALL OVER AGAIN." " JACKIE, GIVE ME THIS." "ZHENYA, YOU'RE MARY NOW." " HOW I BE HER?" "MY COSTUME." " FRANZ, YOU CHANGE YOUR COSTUME WITH ZHENYA." " NO WAY." "ALL I GOT UNDER HERE IS MY UNDERWEAR." " YOU HEARD TEACHER LADY." "SHE WANTS US TO SWITCH;" "WE SWITCH." " [sighs]" " [gulps]" " WHAT'S GOING ON?" " ROSALIE, I'M MARY NOW, LADY MAN." " THAT'S NOT FAIR!" "I WORK HARDER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THIS CLASS." "AND WHY HER OF ALL PEOPLE?" "SHE'S AN ATHEIST AND A COMMUNIST." "AND I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT YOU SAY," "'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST A STUPID SUB." "I'M MARY!" " I NO THINK SO, CHICKY BOOM BOOM GIRL." " ROSALIE." "[speaking French]" "[ominous music]" "♪ ♪ narrator:" "AND I WAS OFFICIALLY NEVER SLEEPING AGAIN." "girls:" "♪ SINGING O'ER THE PLAINS ♪ girls: ♪ SWEETLY SINGING O'ER THE PLAINS ♪" " MONSIEUR DONDI," "REMOVE YOUR CHEMISE AND PANTALON." "YOU ARE NOW OUR BABY JESUS." " I CAN'T." "I'M TOO BIG." " BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON MAINTENANT." " FINE, I'LL TAKE OFF MY CHEMISE," "BUT THERE'S NO WAY I'M TAKING OFF MY PANTALON." " FINE, BUT HURRY." "IN THE CRIB, MONSIEUR." "girls: ♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH ♪" "narrator:" "THERE IT WAS, LILY OF THE VALLEY." " [sighs]" "[dramatic orchestral music]" "♪ ♪" "girls:" "♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH ♪" " [grunting] girls: ♪ DEO ♪" "[applause]" "[all gasping] [goats bleating]" "[goats bleating]" " FELIX IS BABY JESUS." "[both laughing]" " HE'S GOT TINY DOLL FEET." "[goats bleating] all: ♪ SILENT NIGHT ♪" "♪ HOLY NIGHT ♪" "♪ ALL IS CALM ♪" "♪ ALL IS BRIGHT ♪" "♪ ROUND YON VIRGIN ♪" "♪ MOTHER AND CHILD ♪" "♪ HOLY INFANT ♪" "♪ SO TENDER AND MILD ♪ [laughter]" "♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪" " [sneezes] [goats bleating] [sneezes] [goat bleats] [glass shatters, audience gasps, laughs] all: ♪ SILENT NIGHT ♪" "♪ HOLY NIGHT ♪" "♪ SHEPHERDS QUAKE ♪" "♪ AT THE SIGHT ♪" "♪ GLORIES STREAM FROM HEAVEN ABOVE ♪" "♪ HEAVENLY HOSTS SING HALLELUJAH ♪" "♪ CHRIST THE SAVIOR IS BORN ♪" "♪ CHRIST THE SAVIOR IS BORN ♪ narrator:" "THE PAGEANT WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER," "BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER." "WE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN GOOD AT EMBODYING THE CHRISTMAS STORY," "BUT WE MADE UP FOR IT IN SPIRIT." "[applause]" " MERCI, MONSIEUR DONDI." " [sneezes]" " MADAME." " ZHENYA." " ME PAPA." " I AM SO PROUD OF YOU." "THAT WAS SO, SO GOOD." " YEAH, WE ACTUALLY GAVE YOU A STANDING OVATION." " YEAH, I GUESS TASTE TRULY IS SUBJECTIVE." "I'M JUST KIDDING." "GOOD JOB, FELIX." " GOOD JOB." " THANKS." "BUT WHERE'S POP?" " HE HAD TO WORK." "YOU KNOW THAT." " BUT I THOUGHT I SAW HIM IN THE AUDIENCE." " ARE YOU SURE?" " I'M SURE I'M SURE." "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." " OKAY." " OH, LOOK, THAT'S THE TWERSKI GIRL." " ROSALIE." " WHAT DO YOU WANT?" " I JUST WANTED TO SAY" "I REALLY LIKED YOUR PLAY." " NO, YOU DIDN'T." "YOU SAID THE ENDING WAS DUMB." " YEAH, WELL, I CHANGED MY MIND." "I THINK IT MAKES SENSE NOW." " THANKS." "YOU WERE A PRETTY GOOD JESUS TOO," "BETTER THAN THAT DOLL WOULD HAVE BEEN." " THANKS." "MERRY CHRISTMAS, ROSALIE." " WAIT." "MERRY CHRISTMAS, FELIX." " POP!" " [laughs] HEY." "THERE'S MY STAR." " I KNEW I SAW YOU." " I GOT CHINO TO COME IN SO I WOULDN'T MISS IT." " WHAT'S THAT?" " THIS" "JUST AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT." "FELIX, SIMONE" " IS THAT ANNETTE?" " YEAH." " SO THAT LADY STANDING IN THE BACK WITH YOU" "THAT WAS HER." " SURE WAS." "YEAH, SHE'S DOING A PUBLICITY TOUR FOR HER LATEST FILM" "AND WAS ABLE TO STOP BY ON HER WAY TO BOSTON." " WAIT, WAIT-- SHE WAS ACTUALLY HERE?" "OH, DEAR GOD, HOLD ME." "narrator:" "THAT WAS THE YEAR I LEARNED" "THAT WHAT REALLY MATTERED DURING CHRISTMAS" "WAS THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY YOU SPENT IT WITH" "AND THE SURPRISES THAT CAME ALONG" "WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECTED THEM." " FELIX," "YOU WERE THE MOST ADORABLE BABY JESUS I HAVE EVER SEEN." "OH." " HOW ABOUT WE ALL HEAD BACK TO THE HOUSE" "FOR AN EARLY CHRISTMAS DINNER, HUH?" " OH, MY GOD, YES." "YES." " WHAT DO YOU SAY?" " ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪" " ♪ WON'T YOU HAND IT HERE?" "♪" " ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪" " ♪ HAND IT HERE ♪" "♪ I SAID IT FIRST, SO NOW HAND IT HERE ♪" " SING IT FOR YOUR GIFT." " ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪" " ♪ HAND IT HERE ♪" " ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪" " ♪ WON'T YOU HAND IT HERE?" "♪" " ♪ CHRISTMAS GIFT ♪" " ♪ HAND IT HERE ♪" " SMILE!" " LOOK OUT THERE NOW." "COMING IN HERE." "♪ SANTA CLAUS, WON'T YOU LISTEN HERE?" "♪ narrator:" "AFTER THAT YEAR," "MADAME FRECHETTE RETURNED TO QUEBEC," "WHERE SHE SELLS PERFUME AND DIRECTS COMMUNITY THEATER." " [sneezes] narrator:" "THE NATIVITE TABLEAU VIVANT" "HAS BECOME AN ANNUAL TRADITION AT ST." "ALOYSIUS." "WHEN MA AND POP RETIRED TO FLORIDA IN 1985," "CHINO PURCHASED THE DINER" "AND PROMPTLY WENT BANKRUPT." "FRANCES OWNS AND OPERATES HAPPY MOUTH DENTISTRY" "WHERE SIMONE IS EMPLOYED AS A HYGIENIST AND OFFICE MANAGER." "SHE ALSO TEACHES ZUMBA AT THE YMCA." "ZHENYA'S PARENTS WERE NOT SPIES," "BUT HER FATHER WAS AN ENGINEER WHO HAD DEFECTED TO THE U.S." "CLOSE ENOUGH." "ZHENYA NOW HOSTS A POPULAR JEWELRY SHOW" "FOR THE QVC SHOPPING CHANNEL." "THRICE MARRIED AND DIVORCED," "LONNY IS A BLACKJACK DEALER" "AT CONNECTICUT'S QUINNIPIAC MOON CASINO." "HE RECENTLY DISCOVERED SOCIAL MEDIA" "AND HAS RECONNECTED WITH HIS FORMER FLAME," "ZHENYA." "ROSALIE TWERSKI TOURED FOR TWO SEASONS WITH UP WITH PEOPLE." "TODAY HER FACE CAN BE SEEN ACROSS THE STATE ON BILLBOARDS," "WHERE SHE DECLARES," ""IF I CAN'T SELL YOUR HOUSE IN 60 DAYS," "I'LL BUY IT MYSELF."" "AS FOR ME," "I FINALLY GREW FIVE INCHES AS A FRESHMAN IN HIGH SCHOOL," "MAKING ME TALLER THAN AT LEAST MOST OF THE GIRLS." "TODAY I'M A PROFESSOR OF FILM STUDIES" "AT WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY" "AND AN AUTHOR." "IN 2009, I WROTE A NOSTALGIA CHRISTMAS MEMOIR." "THE BOOK SOLD MODESTLY" "UNTIL A FAMOUS TV TALK SHOW HOST RECOMMENDED IT," "TURNING IT INTO AN OVERNIGHT BEST SELLER" "AND EVENTUALLY, A FILM."