"Into the barracks, everybody!" "Into the barracks, everybody!" "Into the barracks, schnell, schnell, schnell!" "Schnell, schnell, schnell schnell, schnell, schnell!" "NEWKIRK:" "All right, schnell, schnell." "Get into the barracks, and all of you, you stay in here;" "order of the commandant." "Nobody leaves the barracks." "All right, now, Schultzy." "Uh-oh." "Uh-oh." "Well, what is it?" "Here's the reason we are all confined." "Well, what's happening?" "It's a kraut general with a bunch of medals." "CARTER:" "Anybody with him?" "LeBEAU:" "I can't see." "Klink's all excited." "NEWKIRK:" "What are they doing?" "LeBEAU:" "They're dancing." "Hansi!" "Putzi!" "And now you are a general?" "And you are still a colonel." "And now they're going into Klink's office." "I'd better get the colonel." "Oh, Colonel, there's a kraut general outside." "That's the trouble with prison camps." "You never have a minute just to do nothing." "Get the intercom working, huh?" "Come in, my dear Stofle!" "Come in, come in!" "On the phone you mentioned something about a beautiful Rhine maiden." "Ah..." "Asleep in the back of my car." "Oh, oh, really?" "You were always the wild one." "All set, Colonel." "Good." "To General Stofle, the great tactician of the Afrika Korps, my guest." "To my old classmate at university, then two grades ahead of me, now two grades behind." "( laughing )" "KLINK:" "I shall never forget what you gave me-- my dueling scar." "Ah, it was my pleasure." "Ooh, I could use a man like you." "We could be a team again." "A team." "Side by side in combat." "The smell of gunpowder." "The roar of cannons." "There is nothing I would like better, but, then, I cannot shirk my duty here, and my iron hand is needed to control these prisoners." "Of course, Putzi." "A little more cognac, Hansi?" "Ja, ja, ja." "Now, I have arranged a luncheon at the officer's club-- oh, just simple soldier's fare." "A little relaxation before returning to battle." "What do you know about my returning to battle?" "Nothing." "No one even knows that you are here, Hansi." "STOFLE:" "Good." "No one must know." "I would wager the success of your next campaign on that." "The Allies would give anything, Putzi, to know where I am," "KLINK:" "But how could they possibly find out?" "It's simple." "Kinch, radio London and tell them." "MAN:" "Most interesting guest you have there." "We have a date with his boys at dawn tomorrow out in the good old desert." "Could be an awfully good show for us if he doesn't make it." "I take it you want us to keep him here." "I do like the way your mind works." "Just for 24 hours or so." "Just for 24 hours." "Got any suggestions how?" "That is a sticky wicket, but do give it a whirl, old chaps." "Over and out." "Over and out." "How are we supposed to kidnap a German general?" "Do give it a whirl, old chaps." "Uh-oh." "Colonel, he's sleeping in the back of his car." "The general?" "Why would the commander of the Afrika Korps be doing that?" "Germans." "A bottle of wine for lunch, and they can't stay awake." "All right, London wants us to delay him till after the offensive-- let's take him." "How?" "Good afternoon, General." "I'm the senior POW officer." "Colonel Klink asked me to take you on an inspection tour of the barracks." "Then what?" "Once in the barracks, we get him into the tunnel and to England for the duration." "Colonel?" "Mm-hmm." "You sure that's a good plan?" "You have a better one?" "Good plan." "Good plan." "Newkirk." "Carter." "Yes, sir." "Diversion." "Schultz." "Come here a minute." "Come on." "Come on in." "Come in." "What?" "We want to see you." "Come on in." "What is it?" "What do you want?" "We want you to settle an argument." "What?" "I bet Newkirk I could guess how much you weigh." "That's all you guys have to do..." "Listen to him." "( laughing )" "Don't do that." "Well?" "Well, I estimate 250 pounds." "Am I right?" "I say nothing." "Nothing." "May I?" "He's 300 if he's a pound." "That's a terrible thing to say." "What do you weigh?" "295, but it's still a very terrible thing to say." "Hello." "Hello." "Sorry, miss, I didn't know this cab was taken." "( siren wailing )" "Follow me." "Excuse us, miss, just passing through." "A Gestapo major?" "Well, what is it all about?" "Of course, let him in." "Anything he wants." "Why are they here?" "Who knows?" "Mm... might be awkward." "You know how they twist things." "Hansi..." "I know, I know, I know..." "Oh, how delightful!" "Klink, you have private quarters here?" "Of course, of course, through this door straight ahead." "Mm." "Unload the equipment." "Colonel Hogan, senior officer of the prisoners of war, reporting." "So?" "And may I say how glad we are to see you here, sir?" "You see, we have many grievances, and with the Gestapo's reputation for fairness and generosity, we were, um, uh..." "Welcome to Stalag 13." "I'm so happy to..." "What are you doing here?" "I confined all prisoners to the barracks." "And why was that, Colonel Klink?" "Well, it-it-it, um..." "Yeah, I've been meaning to ask why myself, Commandant." "Discipline, huh, discipline." "Sir, I run a hard camp." "Sir, you should have let me know that you were coming." "Oh, the Gestapo warns no one." "I am Major Zolle, Commandant Klink, and I assure you, I know all about you and your camp." "I will come right to the point." "There is something strange about this camp." "Strange, sir?" "Not one complaint from Berlin." "Why do they not complain?" "Because Berlin..." "Because Berlin cannot be trusted either." "Berlin cannot be trusted?" "What about General Burkhalter?" "What about General Burkhalter?" "He personally commended Stalag 13." "No incidents, no escapes..." "Perhaps General Burkhalter cannot be trusted." "What do you say to that?" "General Burkhalter?" "I trust no one." "Not you." "Not my mother." "Not your mother?" "Sir, I assure you, I run a model camp." "We will find something wrong, believe me." "I always say if a thing sounds too perfect, watch out." "Come." "Kommandant Klink, please, Herr Kommandant." "I have apprehended Colonel Hogan to be absent from the barracks without official orders." "Schultz, not now." "What did I say?" "Schultz, you're too perfect." "And this, Colonel Klink, is a wireless listening device perfected by my department." "Very interesting." "KLINK:" "My prisoners are much too broken in spirit to require such measures." "Definitely." "So we shall see." "This can hear a mouse's heartbeat at a hundred paces." "I run a clean camp, sir." "We have no mice here." "It can also detect the sound of men working in tunnels." "Amazing." "We may do a little digging to see if it works when I get back." "This casts a beam so powerful, it can find a prisoner a thousand yards away." "Sir, my prisoners are never that far away." "Weighted, it can crack a skull like this." "I see you find discipline distasteful, eh, Kommandant?" "I shall put that in my report." "Sir, I admire discipline." "How fortunate... in case you should ever be on the receiving end." "Come." "Don't worry, Colonel, there's not a chance in the world they'll find what they're looking for." "What are they looking for?" "You mean you don't know about the general's girlfriend?" "What about her?" "How do you know about the general?" "There is no general here." "What do you know about his girlfriend?" "I thought you'd recognize her from the pictures." "Pictures?" "Must you always talk in riddles?" "You have to really hand it to General Stofle." "I mean, he may be a fool, but he's got guts." "What are you talking about?" "Well..." "Sorry, sir." "It's just that the girl has been seen constantly with Himmler, that's all." "Himmler, the Gestapo?" "Now I know why they are here." "Feeling all right, Colonel?" "What am I to do?" "Well, one thing's for sure:" "we mustn't let Stofle take the bit in his teeth and leave too soon." "You know what that would mean." "Of course, of course!" "What would it mean?" "Shooting." "Shooting?" "Well, you know how Stofle is." "Who knows better than I?" "Didn't he give me this scar?" "At the university, we were inseparable." "And as his best friend, you'd be implicated." "I hardly know him." "So, the best thing to do is, uh, keep him entertained in your quarters." "Entertained... in my quarters." "The best of food and wine." "I was thinking of my man LeBeau." "French." "Most discreet." "LeBeau." "I shall give the order." "Uh, I guess that takes care of things." "Colonel Hogan, although we've had our differences in the past, and since our uniforms do not permit us to be friends, still... my quarters?" "The Gestapo will find them both in my quarters." "Colonel, I like the way you see through problems." "What can we do?" "Well, we've got to keep the Gestapo busy somewhere else." "They must not come near your quarters." "( sighs ):" "It will never work." "Colonel Hogan, it must work." "Colonel, please." "The uniform has to last me for the duration." "Men, it is up to you." "You, Gunther, go with Steiner to the warehouse, and do not hesitate to use your torches." "Jawohl!" "Jawohl, Major!" "You, there..." "What is your name?" "It is Sergeant Schultz, um, awaiting your orders, Major." "I assume you know about wireless radio, correct?" "Wireless... radio..." "Of course, Major!" "Good." "Remember, we must show these Allied prisoners how we will win the war." "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Major." "You seem to be very nervous, Herr Klink." "Me, nervous?" "Why should I be nervous?" "That's a good question." "Follow me." "Aw, Schultz, here, here." "Let me help you, Schultz." "Please!" "Please, Colonel Hogan, don't think of helping me." "ZOLLE:" "Schultz!" "Jawohl, Herr Major!" "ZOLLE:" "This is a foolproof instrument, Schultz." "If there is a tunnel under the ground anywhere, it will tell us." "Jawohl, Major." "Another example of German scientific supremacy." "We are a remarkable people, Major." "Ah!" "I told you, Schultz." "There!" "( machine crackling )" "( clink )" "Major, I hit something." "Give me that." "Major... would you like me to dig?" "No, Schultz." "This is going to be my little surprise." "You may fire when ready, Gridley." "( shouts in German )" "( laughing )" "( clears throat )" "Mon General." "Look, Hansi, real champagne!" "From the Commandant's private cellar." "Ah, he knows how to live, this Klink." "Not how to die, but how to live." "( cork pops )" "Oh, that's beautiful." "Mademoiselle." "Mon General." "Here." "What is that?" "I don't know." "Some sort of vent." "Let's take a look." "CARTER:" "Do you want me to hold your light?" "Yes." "Give you a hand, Sergeant?" "Danke schon." "Right." "Pleasure." "Thank you." "Watch it now." "Eh, where's the light?" "Come back here!" "Swine!" "What is happening?" "They did this." "They stole our equipment!" "Quiet, you fool." "If Zolle finds out, he'll send us to the Russian front." "What will we do?" "What can we do?" "Take it easy." "After a while, we tell him we didn't find anything." "( crackling )" "There it is, Schultz." "Those loose boards." "That is how they plan to escape." "Jawohl, Major." "Ja." "Set up the ladder." "Certainly." "No, no, Schultz." "No, I'll go." "Take this." "Give me that crowbar." "Right." "If that fool, Klink, wants evidence, I'll show him." "( chuckles )" "( floorboards creaking )" "What is that?" "It's from here." "Somebody's prying up the floor." "Must be a prisoner trying to escape." "( floorboards creaking )" "Give me the monkey wrench." "They stole that, too." "Here, I can use this." "We can redeem ourselves." "Now Major Zolle will be very proud of us." "Shh!" "( grunts )" "( clears throat )" "General?" "Yes?" "What is it?" "Colonel Hogan, Senior Prisoner of War Officer." "Is the general ready for lunch yet, sir?" "Forget the lunch!" "Where's Klink?" "Have my car brought here." "I must leave immediately." "Of course." "Right away, sir." "Uh, about the young lady...?" "Let her sleep." "This is what she does best." "She could sleep through an artillery drill!" "Yes, of course." "Uh, just a minute." "Sir?" "You recognize her?" "Well, just from the pictures." "What pictures?" "Well, you know how it is in prison." "We don't have much to do, so we read all your gossip sheets." "Uh, they say he's crazy about her." "Who is crazy about her?" "What's his name?" "Uh, it's on the tip of my tongue." "Uh..." "Himmel, Himmel..." "Something..." "Not Himmler." "Himmler, Himmler, that's it." "Himmler!" "?" "Yeah, well, don't worry about it." "You're leaving." "He'll never know." "How can I leave?" "The place is crawling with Gestapo." "And now I see why!" "Why didn't I think of that?" "That's why you're a general." "They'll be here any minute." "Too bad you're not in one of our uniforms." "Then you'd be completely anonymous, huh, LeBeau?" "Oh, invisible." "Just a minute." "Mm-hmm." "Suppose I were dressed like you." "How would that help me get out of here?" "Then no one would notice you." "You see, you get in the back of Colonel Klink's car, you crouch down and pfft, right out the gate." "Get me an American uniform." "How would we do that?" "I don't know how, just do it!" "If you say so." "LeBeau?" "Size 44 regular." "Coming up, mon general." "Oh, uh, General?" "Huh?" "Would you care for cuffs?" "( yells )" "I assure you prisoners, this comedy is over." "ZOLLE:" "Do you want to tell me about it, or will I be forced to drag it out of you?" "Very well, no one will speak?" "I shall question you more closely." "Schultz." "Schultz?" "He's too smart, Schultz." "He's going to find out about it." "Find out what?" "About the defector." "What defector?" "The one trying to escape in the back of Klink's car." "He'll never make it anyway." "Why should he get all of us into trouble?" "( mutters )" "Go get him, tiger." "( growling )" "Schultz, where are you going?" "!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Schultz, what are you doing here?" "Stop!" "I-I'm apprehending a defector, Herr Kommandant!" "A what?" "A what?" "A what?" "A what?" "A defector." "Out with you." "Out, out, out, out, defector." "Out!" "Out!" "Aha!" "Aha!" "Now we have something." "This can be explained." "Yes, I shall enjoy hearing you explain." "Take him away." "I am Major General Hans Stofle," "Commander of the Ninth Armored Division" "Afrika Korps." "Oh?" "The Afrika Korps has changed uniform?" "I can explain this." "Klink, explain this." "Explain what?" "That I am General Stofle, your old classmate." "Tell him." "Well, Klink?" "He resembles my old classmate, but that's such a long time ago." "Klink!" "Ask this man." "He got me the uniform." "Never saw him before in my life." "ZOLLE:" "Take him away." "STOFLE:" "Just a minute!" "If I'm not with my troops in the morning, you shall have to answer for this!" "Of course." "But first we must find out just what those troops are." "In our Berlin headquarters we have facilities for sifting out the truth." "There is no time for this!" "For the truth there is always time." "Take him away!" "( Stofle shouting )" "I wonder who he really is?" "Hogan, there is something diabolical about you." "I know." "Hogan, for you I'm considering 30 days in the cooler." "Well, if you think I deserve it, sir," "I'd be most happy to honor your sense of duty." "If you deserve it?" "If you...?" "You deserve six months, a year." "That hurts." "The Allies have started a big offensive in the desert, and he wasn't there to stop them." "They got through?" "With Stofle gone, like a knife through butter." "And now my old friend will never talk to me again." "My career, oh, it's in jeopardy." "In jeopardy?" "Hah." "I've never seen a campaign waged more brilliantly." "You achieved total victory, if I may say so, sir." "Total victory." "I did?" "If you and Stofle were still friends, sooner or later he would have talked you into being a tank commander, not that you wouldn't have been brilliant." "Danke." "The Gestapo was after you." "And where are you today?" "Driving a droshky on the Russian steppes?" "No, sir, you're right here where you belong, at Stalag 13." "You know something, Hogan, you could be right." "Zolle was a mere puppet in your hands." "You let him dance, think he was in command and then pfft, you cut him dead." "You were brilliant the way you got rid of the Gestapo." "I was?" "I never thought of that." "I warned them to leave me alone, and now they're gone." "Congratulations, Commandant." "Mm, danke." ""(End of Episode)""