"You know, I just wasn't, you know, happy with my current look." "So I'm..." "I'm trying something new, what do you think?" "Steampunk... or smoke-punk?" "Dude, just go "Waterworld,"" "take those clothes off." "Yes!" "I love that." "Hey, check me out, okay..." " You're a genius." " I'm here for you, man." "Stop doing what you're doing and watch me." "Okay, one, two... [groans]" " It's okay." " Almost got a record." " Oh, shoot." " What are you doing?" " Are those my keys, man?" " They are." "And I'm gonna get a record, watch." " Shoot." " You're gonna bend my CVS card." "Ow, why are you doing that?" "Do you not want me to get discounts?" " It's understandable." " You ru..." "Whoa, look who it is," "Bill the Thrill." "Cool tie." "What's... what's up with that?" "Cool, right?" "It was actually my mom's." "See, it's a Polynesian green turtle, found mainly in Tahiti." "Wow, Bill, you're explaining it like we care." "And we don't!" "We don't, and honestly, only Blake gets to wear stupid stuff like that." "Yeah, I am the office fashionista and, uh, that is not a tie." "It's a loss. [laughter]" "That was really funny." "You just thought of that?" "Oh, wait a second." "Speaking of fashion," "Bill, what's with your pants 'cause it looks like you're popping a boner!" "Oh, you... you're fully engorged!" "Right?" "Uh, that's just how the pants lay, guys." " Nope." " Uh, really?" "Yeah, your pants lay with a gigantic hard dick inside of them?" "Uh, nah, I don't think so." "I think your little turtle is poking its head out of its shell." "[laughter] [dramatic whoosh]" "They weren't wrong." "I'd been playing pocket pool on the ride over." "And I was hard." "[keys clink]" "But these dip-[bleep] had no idea how hard I could actually get." "[dramatic music]" "♪ ♪ [bones crunch] [plaster breaks] [whooshing]" "♪ ♪ [squelch]" "[chuckles] Guilty as charged." "You guys are hilarious." "Thank you." " Thank you." " We know." " Yes." " Roasted." "[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]" "♪ Gotta be fresh ♪" " [office phones ringing] - ♪ Baby ♪ [sultry music on computer]" "Oh, hey, Bill, um, remember," "I need you to head to TAC-Long Beach and return those thermal hunting vision goggle things we borrowed for the sales demo, kay?" "Yeah, topped off the tank this morning." "Well, great." "Get going then." "'Cause you were late last time, and I had to deal with Roger from TAC-LBC saying how I run a loose ship." " [dramatic music]" " This ship isn't loose." "It's full of holes and sinking fast." "I'd like to toss you overboard and let the sharks rip you apart." "I'm sorry you had to deal with that," "I think you run one hell of a tight ship, Captain." "Shut up, Bill." "Kiss ass." "You want me to go with him?" "Make sure he's on time, doesn't stop off at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, get a butterbeer." " [dramatic music]" " Stay in your lane, Tez." "This ain't the day." "Mm, good point." "Bill, Montez is going with you." " Yeah." " God freaking damn it." "Okey-dokey, Captain, not a problem." "But it is a problem because he's not part of the plan." "And this mission has to go exactly as planned." "[brooding dramatic music]" "There's no room for error." "There never is." "So I have Yelped the best Arby's on the way because they got this off-menu sandwich called "The Meat Mountain."" "Bill, where the hell'd you get this super dope brief..." "Don't touch that!" "Sorry, I..." "I don't mean to yell," " just put it in the backseat." " Okay." "[grunts]" "Look," "I'm sorry I'm tagging along, but I'm just having some serious marital problems and I need to, like, bro down." "Okay, what's on your mind, my cubicle brother?" "[tires squeal]" "Me and Colleen, we in a bad place." "This blue car's been behind me for the last mile." "You're being paranoid, Bill." "Nobody knows the drop-off is today." "She got this whole cuckolding fantasy where she has sex with another dude while I watch, but we just can't find the right guy for the job." "And she think I don't want to do it, think I'm stalling, but I want to do it." "You know how freaky I am." "I'll get cuckolded." "It's pronounced "cuckolding"" "but what she wants is to be hotwifed." "You think you're so freaky, but you're as vanilla as they come." "Dude, I eat a [bleep]." "You guys have some crazy life." "Hope you find the guy." "Thanks, Bill." " [chimes]" " I just love her so much." " [engine revving] - [dramatic music]" "And what exactly do you think you're doing, blue car?" "You want to get some lunch?" "Oh!" "Let's get that Meat Mountain." "♪ Arby's here we come ♪" "Actually," "I was thinking more like... [dramatic sting]" " Chinese." " Mm." "[dramatic electronic music]" "♪ ♪ [tires squeal]" "♪ ♪" "You know, we should ask if they have any off-menu items." "[cell phone ringtone]" "Hello?" "Bill, that's rude." "Okay." "3031 Factory Place." "One of your hos?" "[sighs]" "Sorry." "We should get some egg rolls." "You know what, let's get two orders of egg rolls 'cause I don't think they give us enough egg rolls." "I can tell by this order right here." "Okay, closest exit is through the kitchen." " [dramatic music]" " Was he looking at me?" "Did he just say my name?" "Damn, she's got to be, like, 90." "Tight body though." "♪ ♪" "I wouldn't mind eating her [bleep]." " Oh!" " Ow!" "My... what the hell?" "Briefcase!" "There it is." "My apologies, that was an accident." "I call bull[bleep]." "You know, your apology is not gonna pay for my man's dry cleaning." "So I think you should give us some free egg rolls and some kung pao chicken." "Yeah, I'm sorry about the mess, but I can't give you free food." "You better give us some free something." "'Cause you about to see my crouching tiger, hidden wha-pow!" " Wha-pow!" " Bro." "You need to calm down." "Calm down?" "Mother[bleep]." "You just spilled some hot-ass soup on my man's nuts." "You could at least pick up the tab." "Tez, please." "Look, he's a little testy because his wife has this cuckolding fantasy..." " Why would you tell..." " She can hold my cuck anytime." "What did you say?" "It's like that, huh?" "Huh?" " You don't want it." " Let's do this!" "[grunting]" "Oh, Bill!" "Goddamn!" " [blow lands]" " Uh!" "Where did you learn to fight?" "You know you should have let me... oh, Bill, your briefcase." "God [bleep] damn it." "Bill." "God damn it." "Let me just get one egg roll for the road." "No, [bleep]." "You know what?" "Better take five for the road, you never know, you know what I mean?" " [upbeat hip-hop music] - ♪ He's insane ♪" "you never know, you know what I mean?" "[intense dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "_" "Damn!" "Who the hell..." "Bill!" "[slow-motion whoosh]" "Bill!" "Bill!" "[woodwind music]" "Whoa, cool, turtles." "Come on!" "[dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "Ah!" "Hey!" "[panting]" " [grunts] - [egg roll thuds]" "That's my friend's briefcase!" "Put it down!" "[lively dramatic music]" "Oh, my God." "Well, how the... hell did he..." "Don't move!" "What?" "Don't move!" "Bill, what?" "Oh!" "What the..." "You welcome!" "He like a old-ass Spider-Man." "You're making a big mistake!" "You don't know who you're stealing from!" "Bill, who are these people?" " Ready?" " For what?" " To fly!" " Oh, my God, Bill!" "[screams]" "Bill!" "Help!" "I didn't make it!" "Those egg rolls... [bleep]" "Here, give me your other hand!" "Ah, it too greasy, Bill!" "The egg roll!" "I'm slipping." "Tell my wife I love her!" "Ah!" "[screaming]" "Oh, Bill?" "[uplifting orchestral music]" "♪ ♪ [panting]" "Bill!" "Oh, my God, Bill." "Oh, you so strong." "God damn, Bill." "What do... [funky dramatic music]" "Nice catch." "You have time for a brief chat?" "♪ ♪" "Bill, who are all these people?" "What the hell is happening?" "Sometimes I provide transportation for certain things for certain people." "So, like, you running drugs?" "I'm just the transportation." "That's definitely drugs." "Like I said, I don't know." "It's just a paycheck." "So they got paychecks in here?" "I don't know what's inside!" "I do it for the money." "Lots of money." "What can I say?" "I like shiny things." "Gentlemen, please, these men are playing ping-pong." "Show some respect and shut the [bleep] up!" "[tense dramatic music]" "Oh, my God." "You don't want to tell me the code to your little briefcase?" "I understand." "You are a man of great honor." "The thing is, I am a woman of great curiosity." "So I just have to know what you got in there." "He'll never get that open." "I ordered it special from OfficeMax, and it's got a state-of-the-art locking system." "[dramatic music pounds]" "♪ ♪" "Well, well, well." "What do we have here?" "Turtle eggs." "Why'd it have to be turtle eggs?" "Mmm, look like a three-toed box turtle egg..." "They're Polynesian green, you dumb-ass." "Three-toed box eggs are half the size." "Even better." "I can get, what, 10K a pop for these puppies?" "What?" "They're supposed to be quite the aphrodisiac." "Who is your buyer?" "I forgot." "What a pretty face you have." "Eyebrows are a little bushy though." "Why doesn't Jimmy give you a trim?" "[tense music] [electric knife grinds]" "Bill, these people ain't playing, will you just tell 'em!" "Be quiet and let me handle this." " [knife grinds]" " Oh, my God." "[groaning]" "Wait!" "Wait." "It's in his back pocket on a napkin." "I saw him write it." "Shut the [bleep] up, Montez." "I'm trying to help you, Bill." "In case you haven't noticed, this crazy bitch is trying to kill us." "[seedy piano music] [gasps]" "It's the Triad, isn't it?" "What the..." "Excellent." "I always wanted to do business with them." "_" "Jimmy, why don't you stay here and have fun with your new friends?" "Oh, [bleep]." "And don't forget to feed the eels." "[cackles]" "What is wrong with that bitch?" "You're making a mistake!" "The Triad only deals with me!" "Hey, man, don't kill us." "I got a wife." "I got kids." "Do you have children?" "No, but I have an eel that needs to be fed." "Oh, [bleep], he got to feed his eel, Bill." "Before you kill us, there's something you and your boss might want to know." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Come here." "I don't want blabbermouth to hear." "Bill, what?" "Who?" "Who's blabbermouth?" "Okay, look," "I shouldn't be telling you this, but..." "What is it?" "What?" " [chomps] - [pained groan] [groans]" "Oh, my God." "Sorry." "You were getting a little nosey." "What, nosey?" "What happened, Bill?" "What's going on?" "Ready?" "Go!" "[grunting]" "Get that knife, Bill." "Cut us free, Bill!" "[grunts]" "Oh, my God." "Cut this [bleep]!" "[grunting] Ah, yeah." "Okay. [sighs]" "Oh, my God." "Let's go." "Oh, my God, is that a nose?" "Why is it breathing?" " [pained groan]" " Oh, my God!" "[groaning] [dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "God damn, Bill." "[electric eels zapping]" "He dead." "You see the look on his face?" "Total shock." "[beatboxing music]" "[camera lens extending]" "We've got something that belongs to you." "Where is Bill?" "He wasn't" ""eeling" well." "We only deal with Bill." "Well, I guess I can find another buyer for these." "[door lock buzzes] [door lock hisses]" "That's what I thought." " Here." " [yelps]" "I'm going back." "I have to free those turtle eggs." "Bill, these people gonna kill you." "Who cares about these stupid turtle eggs?" "About 15 years ago, I was bodysurfing in Teahupo, Western Tahiti." "[pensive woodwind music]" "It was a solid west swell, at least triple overhead." "I went over the falls on a set wave into the reef and started drowning, until a 200-year-old Polynesian green turtle put me on his shell and rode me into shore." "♪ ♪" "That turtle saved my life." "So yeah," "I care about those eggs." "Polynesian greens, just like you ordered." "Rumored to give the hardest erection in all of the Earth." "Maybe too hard." "Both:" "Mmm." "Next weekend's orgy is going to be insane." " Ooh." " Jamie Foxx texted me." "He says he's definitely "coming"" "with like seven M's and then a water-squirt emoji at the end." " You know what that means." " [pleased laughter]" " Do you know?" " Oh, okay." "I would love to get in that "foxhole."" "[laughter]" "Frickin' psycho perverts, you make me sick." "Okay, Billy Boy, you got this." "[goggles power on]" "Gentlemen!" "The eggs!" "May we inspect the goods?" "Ah, ah." "There is the small matter of the transportation fee." "We already paid the transportation fee." "Mm-hmm." "So our offer is nein." "Nine thousand?" " No." " [chuckles]" "Nein." "Nine hundred thousand?" "Nein." "Like, right before ten, right after eight." " Nope." " Stupid, you stupid?" "Nope." "What we are saying is nein, zero, zilch!" "I mean, it's like you..." " Ah." " Don't even know who you're dealing with right now!" "We are... all:" "The Triad!" "[slow motion dramatic music]" "What the hell?" "[indistinct shouts] [gunfire] [screams] [dramatic music] [laughs]" "♪ ♪" "Okay, where are they?" "There's one!" "[tense dramatic music]" "There's another!" "♪ ♪ [gunfire] [pained moans and groans]" "♪ ♪" "That's three." "[gunshot]" "Ah... oh..." "There should be one more." "There she is." "Don't move!" "No!" "[dramatic music pounds]" "Don't even think about it!" "Ha-ha!" "Thanks for coming back." "No problem, Bill." "Cubicle brothers for life." "Okay, listen up!" "Here's what's gonna... [glitchy electronic music] happen a..." "God damn it!" "[electronic music slows, stops] [office phones ringing]" "Cigarette, my good man?" "[dramatic music pounds]" "Here's what's gonna happen." "[tense music]" "You're gonna get your money back, but I'm taking those eggs." "End of story, okay?" "Okay, but, you know, before you leave," "I think there might be someone you should say hello to." "[manic laughter]" "Montez, please." "They're gonna hurt me." " Oh, that's your wife." " Colleen?" "Damn, you... changed, baby." "The eggs, Bill, or we will blow her brains all over the floor." "I'll be taking that." "Thank you." "[manic giggling]" "I'm going to kill the fat, ugly one." " For some reason I hate his guts." " Yes." "Do it." "[beatboxing music]" "Wait a minute." "Before you kill me, I have one last wish." "My wife has this cuckolding fantasy." "It makes sense that she would want to schtupp another man." "And I said I was okay with it, but I'm really not." "What?" "Baby, why wouldn't you tell me?" "I was insecure, but now that I know that I'm the love of your life, if it's okay with you guys," "I would like Bill to [bleep] my wife." "[exhales]" "Okay, wait." "I wouldn't expect you to understand." "But this is for her happiness." "Still weird for me." "No, that's cool to me." "Okay, well, I obviously don't want to watch, but I will out of curiosity sake." " I'm watching." " [chuckles]" "Thank you, baby." "I love you." "I'll always love you." "I know, baby, go on." "[tender piano music]" "Oh, and now the main event." "God," "I've been wanting you for so long." "Duh." " [sultry music] - ♪ Baby ♪ [moaning]" "Bill just has this animal magnetism." "Look at the schvunker in his shorts." "Ooh." "I can't believe they shot my dick off!" "♪ Baby ♪ [back massager vibrating]" "Oh, my God, he's... he's gonna bust, dude." "Oh!" "Oh, God, Bill!" "Oh!" "You're the [bleep] man!" "Oh, you're the best!" "The best I've ever had!" "Oh, never stop!" "Oh!" "Never stop [bleep] me... e!" "Oh!" "Oh, oh." "[nervous chuckling]" " Whoa." " Hot." "Boy got hips, don't he?" "14 times he has brought this woman to climax." "14 times, dude." " [screams] - ♪ Baby ♪" "Okay, that is 15." "That is 15." "All right." "Get ready." "Here comes showtime." "Oh, Colleen." "Wait, what?" "Oh, dude, I'm about to make this man jizz." "Wait." "Do you think you are about to leave?" "Actually, [energetic music building]" "I think I'm about to [bleep]." "[screams] [softly grunting]" "Ohh." "He..." "Oh, my God." "That was a lot." "That was a lot, that was a lot." "On my massager." "[exhales] [sighs]" "[office phones ringing] [exhales]" "Wow, what a dream." "[sparsely dramatic music]" "Was it a dream?" "Bill, what are you doing?" "You haven't left yet?" "You were supposed to leave an hour ago." "And what's on your pants?" "Uh, milk." "Man milk." "[dramatic music builds]" "What the [bleep] are you doing?" "Nice."