"Alan Townsend's flight landed in Rome two hours ago." "Taking into account time stuck in lmmigration and adding an hour for the cab ride, he should be safely within the walls of Vatican City right about now." " He'll call, Sam." " I wouldn't sweat it, man." "I have to get ready for work." "Watch my phone." "Aye aye." "So bossy." "Oh, I love it." "I knew you'd rock a turtleneck." " What are you doing?" " Upscaling your look." "Oh, no no, I'm fine with my look." "Oh, Sammy, I know you want to resist it, but I really expect you to rise to the heights of political power here on earth, seize control of the planet and hasten the apocalypse." "And what you wear reflects directly on me as a parent." "And as a stylist." "Try these slacks." "I'll go dig up a pair of Beatle boots." "Oh, I have more good news." "I'm granting you a little break from catching souls." " You are?" " Yes, I'm sending you to a tutor." "Someone who'll give you a higher education in the ways of the wicked." "She's expecting you today." " What's with the circles?" " You like it?" "It represents the nine circles of hell." "I contracted an advertising firm to help me spin a few branding ideas." "I think it's nifty." "Hey, I have another surprise for you." "A gift." "Something to put a little testosterone in your tank." " Huh?" " You got me a motorcycle?" "Go on, hop on." "I want to see those thighs vibrating with pure aggression." "All right, what's the catch?" "Catch?" "There's no catch." "My generosity in this instance is more a softening of the blow." " I got him." " Got who?" "Alan Townsend." "He never made it to Vatican City." "I had his plane grounded in Vegas and he went into a sin spiral so decadent that he was back in hell before Carrot Top took the stage." "Boo-yah!" "Come on, I stabbed you in the back fair and square, man." "It's impolite to leave me hanging." "I hate you." "Hey, don't walk away mad, son." "I'm not done showering you with spectacular gifts." "Perhaps now's not the time." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Sock and Ben asked me to come over and watch over your phone." " Where'd they go?" " They said they had to go exercise." "You know what?" "The call's not coming." "The Devil got Alan." "Oh no." "God, Sam, I'm so sorry." "No, don't feel sorry for me." "Feel sorry for the Devil because I have had it up to here with that son of a bitch." " He is in my sights." " What does that mean?" "And why are you dressed like a '70s porn star?" "It means I'm done playing nice." " I'm taking him on." " How are you gonna take him on, Sam?" "I mean, he's the Devil." "He's packing a lot of evil." "Yeah, well, he's also wearing blinders." "He's convinced that I'm a pushover, that I'm afraid to fight fire with fire." "Well, I'm not and I will." "This is only motivation." "Nina?" "What are you doing up there?" "Listen, I broke up with you, okay?" "We're over." "Now I had hoped that you would respect my decision..." "Damn it, Nina." "That is a 62-piece Handy Dad socket set." "It's coming right out of my paycheck." "Uh, okay, Nina, acting out like this isn't healthy, all right?" "I mean, have you ever considered directing your rage into an anger journal or graffiti art?" "Okay, let's not lose sight of what we shared." "You know, the tenderness, the pillow talk, our lazy afternoons watching "Ellen"" "dancing along." "Ow." "Yes?" "Yeah, hi." "I'm Sam Oliver." "I have an appointment." "I'm not taking appointments today." "I was told to come here for tutoring." "The Devil sent me." "That bastard." "He knows I'm on a cleanse." "Let yourself in." "I'll meet you in the study." "It's the room with the chalkboard." "Let's get the formalities out of the way, shall we?" "My name is Sally but I'd like you to call me teacher." " My name is Sam." " I don't remember asking." "Now am I to assume you are the Devil's offspring?" "So I'm told." "And am I to assume you're in training to bring about the end of days?" "Right." "Well, I'd like to ask you a few questions, let me get a better understanding of what you already know regarding hell and damnation and where I need to fill in the gaps." " Right." " Do you read Latin?" "No." "Have you ever read the Bible, either Testament?" " No." " Have you ever heard of the Antichrist?" "Yes." "Wait." "No." "I was thinking the other guy, sorry." "And on a scale of zero to 10 where would you rank your bloodlust?" "I'd have to say a solid two." " I can't help you." " What?" "Why must the Devil insist on wasting my time?" "It's very apparent that you need preschooling." "You know what?" "I don't want to be here anyway." " You don't?" " No, I don't want any of this." "I don't want to learn about the Devil's business." "Wait, you know what?" "There is one thing you could help me with." "How do I destroy him?" "You want to destroy the Devil?" "Your father?" "Yeah, you're an expert on hell and the Devil, how do I kill him?" "How do I blow him up, chop him up, acid dip him?" "Whatever, I'll do it." "You're a liar." "What?" "Well, you said your bloodlust was at a two." "I'd say you're running at at least a seven." "So you're here all by yourself?" "Yes, my mansion... 12,000 square feet of gilded cage." "But the Devil pays the rent so who am I to complain, right?" "Must get a little lonely." "Yes, it does." "But undoubtedly that was the Devil's intention." "Can I ask you a favor?" "Maybe." "Can I come back tomorrow?" "The Devil's expecting me to show up." "If I could come and hang out he'd be out of my hair for a couple hours and you'd be doing me a huge favor." "Why not?" "I certainly could use the company." "Great." "Till tomorrow." "Till tomorrow." "I tell you, it was horrible." "Nina's eyes actually roll in the back of her head when she attacks like a shark." " I'm thinking about buying a gun." " What?" " For protection." " Oh, Ben, look." "Ben's having crazy ex problems right now." "I have seen my share of nutty bitches." "Yeah." "Ben, buying a gun is a mistake, all right?" " Why?" " Why?" "'Cause Nina's picking a fight." "She wants you to fight back." " Don't play the game." " You think she's playing a game?" "Of course she's playing a game." "They all play games, man." "Look, your relationship went cold, all right?" "She's trying to relight the fire." "Only second time around that fire isn't fueled by love or lust, it's fueled by anger and petty revenge which rarely leads to satisfying hate sex, all right?" " Maybe you're right." " Oh, I know I'm right." "Listen, next time Nina comes stalking around, you ignore her." "Tune her out." "She'll lose interest, I promise." "$400." " Hey." " Hey." "I need afternoons off for the next week." "Devil business." " I'll see what I can do." " Thanks." " Um..." " What?" "There's something I need to tell you." "Something potentially upsetting." "Okay." "I met a girl." " Oh." " Yeah." "She works for the Devil." "Kind of a professor." "An expert on hell." "Very knowledgeable." "Plus, I think she's into me." " Okay." " I just wanted to be upfront." "Just wanted to make sure you were cool with what I have to do." "I'm planning to seduce this woman so that I can get the Devil's secrets out of her." "Secrets that I think will help me beat the Devil once and for all." "I get it." "No, do what you got to do." "You're not bothered?" "Well, yeah, you know, it's difficult to feel threatened when you're not really a seducer." "Well..." "I seduced you." "You mean you followed me around for seven years like a puppy and then wore me down with your subtle charms." "That's not really called seduction." "It's called erosion." "Here." "Maybe this'll help speed things up." "You understand I'm in a war with the Devil?" "I know." "Delivery from Bargain Bench." "You just entered a world of pain, my friend." "Work Bench blue around here only." "That apron makes you look like a Swedish hausfrau." "I don't even know what that is." "Boom." "So nobody ordered this computer equipment?" "There's no John Oliver here?" "John Oliver?" "That's my dad." "This is fantastic." "I can't believe they delivered everything so quickly." "Yeah, what are you gonna do with all this crap?" "I'm kind of going stir-crazy in this garage and I can't go out in the world, for obvious reasons." "So I am going to bring the world to me." "I'm gonna go to chat rooms and blogs, Facebook." "With the help of this computer" "I am gonna have a life again, Sam." "A rich full life right here in your garage." "Cool, Dad." "Cool." "You go forth and ride, Mr. O." "You ride that internet, you weird glorious bastard." "Where are the fries?" "I didn't order fries." "I got us carrot dippers." "I asked for fries, Ben." " I know." " And?" "I decided you need to take a break from fried foods." "What?" "No!" "Never." "Why?" "I tell you this as a friend, Sock." "You have oily hair and people are noticing." "I... what?" "This... this..." "this is hair gel, Ben." "This is expensive Persian hair gel." "And the beard?" "You mean to tell me that sheen comes from a bottle?" "What sheen?" "What the heck is a sheen?" "Whoa, what did you hit?" "I didn't hit anything." "Something hit us." "Holy crap, Nina." "All right, Benjamin." "Remember what I told you." "What do you got to do?" " I-I-I need to ignore her." " That's right." " I see nothing." " That's right, she's not there." "Just look right through her." "Just ignore her." "Okay." "That doesn't even scare me." "What say we listen to a couple tasty tunes?" "Sounds great." "I love music." "Me too." "My mom made me a mix tape." "Ah." "Jammin'." " Right?" "Uh-huh." " Oh, we're jammin'." " Think it's over?" " Oh, it's over, Benji." "Oh, we bucked the angry right out of that beast." " Whoo!" " Yeah!" "I'm pretty sure I have glass in my eye." "Nobody likes a crybaby, Benji." "Suck it up." "Oh, black on black... sexy." "What do you want?" "I just wanted to find out how your first day of school went." " It was fine." " I see." "And how was Sally looking?" "Still as beautiful as ever?" "I don't know." "I didn't notice." " Did she ask about me?" " Not really." "Seriously?" "Nothing at all?" "From what I gather, she's not a fan." "Was there any contempt in her voice?" " Sure, yeah." "A bit." " Ha ha, fantastic." " You're happy about that?" " Sure." "Don't you know what that means?" "I'm under her skin." "Now's the perfect time to strike." "I want you to give this to Sally." "A vegetable steamer?" "Yeah, I happen to know she wants that more than anything else." "See?" "She dog-eared the page in a catalogue." " Where did you get this?" " I dug it up out of her trash." " You are a stalker." " No." "No, Sammy." "I'm a fool for love." "Why do you need me?" "Why don't you just give her the present yourself?" "You mind if I open up to you a little bit, imperfect father to well-dressed son?" "I have difficulty maintaining relationships with women." "Mostly because..." "I mistreat them." "I lead them on." "I bag 'em, tag 'em, kick 'em down the stairs." "And I blame it on my deep commitment to self-love." "It's my Achilles'." "Anyway, I appreciate your help." "You're my Cyrano." "Now you get out there and you reel her in for me." "Hey, you may want to run." "I neglected to pay for that." "Sally?" "Hello?" "I'm in here." "You're very prompt." "What's that?" "Oh, it's a gift for you." "I got you a gift." "From me." "Oh my God." "How did you know I've been lusting after a steamer?" "Well..." "I remembered you were on a cleanse." "So I assumed you were into healthy foods." "Naturally the mind jumps to steamed spinach." "How sweet." "Thank you." "I love it." "Right." "I like your skirt." "It really shows off your figure." " Thank you." " Yes." "And your hair, it's especially nice today." "Very..." "very bouncy." " Sam, what are you doing?" " What do you mean?" "Well, the gift, the flattery... are you hitting on me?" "What?" "No." "But now that you've planted the thought, which is a great great thought, how about it?" "Will you let me take you to dinner?" "My, you are surprisingly aggressive." "Well, I'm the kind of guy who likes to move fast when I see something I want." "I mean, someone I want, not something... which could be misinterpreted that I see you as a piece of meat." "Which as a woman and an equal in every way, if not superior, it's common knowledge that women are better pilots, gymnasts... the point being, you most likely don't appreciate being compared to meat." " Sam." " Yes?" "It's not uncommon for a student to get a crush on their teacher." "Um... what I'm feeling right now is no schoolboy crush." "I'm fascinated by you." "And I know you're intelligent." "What I need to know, what I don't know, is if you could ever take me seriously." "Of course I can." "Great." "Then it's a date." "But we must keep it a secret from the Devil." "Think about it, his favorite teacher fraternizing with his favorite son." "I mean, he could come unhinged." "I once witnessed him just cut a man in half for giving me a foot rub." "Yeah, I'm cool going the secret route." "I'm on pins and needles, Sammy." "Tell me, did she love the gift?" "Did she?" "Yes." "Yes, she did." "You're not lying to me now just to protect my feelings?" "No, she really loved it." "Oh yes!" "A breakthrough." "Finally." "And I owe it all to you, kiddo." "No no, really, you don't have to thank me." "Seriously, I didn't..." " Now this is my phone number, okay?" " Yeah." "You give it to Sally and tell her I'm waiting for her call." "No, don't tell her I'm waiting." "That sounds desperate." "Tell her I'm expecting her call." "I don't get it." "Why don't you just call her yourself?" "I'm the Devil." "I don't chase tail, Sam." "Tail chases me." "I called you in because I keep getting complaints of you two fighting in gardening." "We weren't fighting." "He attacked me." " Bullpucky." " It's true." "I was trying to educate Mr. Chandra..." "Chandrasekaran." " On the obvious difference between season mulch and redwood bark chips when he came at me with an edge trimmer." " You had it coming." " Aw." "This dick's always up in my grill." " Hey, you wanted to see me?" " Yes." " Yes, just one second." " Yeah." "Okay, you know what?" "You two need to start a dialogue about mutual respect." "I want this resolved before I get back." "What's up?" "I just wanted to see how your war with the Devil was going." "It's, uh..." "it's moving ahead." "I have a date with my teacher tonight." "Wow." "That was fast." "Just took your advice, jumping in with both feet." "That's..." "that's great." "Um, can you..." "Listen, I'm..." "I'm really jealous." " What?" " Yeah." "I'm really jealous of this woman." "And I'm jealous that you might go out with her." "And I'm jealous that something might actually happen between you two." "Okay." "And I know I can't even say anything because I'm the one that put us on hold." "Do you want me to cancel this date?" "Yes." "But I know you can't." "And I can't ask you to." " Andi, I'll..." " No, don't even say anything." "It's okay." "I get it." "I do." "Die, bastard." "I will cut you." "Okay, I should probably get back to my meeting." "Oh, God!" "Help!" " Oh, you got another IM from Sam's dad." " Again?" "It says:" "Why haven't you signed up for his fantasy hockey league?" "You know what?" "Why don't you tell him" "I only have time to service one fantasy..." " his wife." " I'm gonna let you tell him that." " Hi, Ben." " Get in the training room." "Move move move." "I want to talk to Ben." "Well, you don't get to talk to Ben." "He's fragile." "You want to send him a message, it goes through me." "Get!" "Get!" "Okay." "Well, I just wanted to say that" "I feel terrible about the way that I've been acting." "You mean like a girl who eats cars?" "Okay, I'm not gonna try to make any excuses here, but it's not like I used no self-control." "I mean, your head didn't end up on a pike, right?" "If that's all." "Thank you." "Look, I'm just trying to apologize here." " Do you have to be so rude?" " OMG." "Maybe you didn't hear it the first time or the 10th time." "You and Ben are over." "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" "Ben!" "I want to talk directly to Ben." "That's not gonna happen." "Sorry." "Are you standing in the way of our relationship?" "No, I'm standing in the way of your craziness." "So he grounded his plane in Vegas?" "Yup." "And Alan's secrets went back to hell with him." "Wow, that is brilliant." "You are up against an evil genius." "Yeah." "If you keep filling my glass with more wine," "I might start blabbing some Devil secrets of my own." "God knows I'm sitting on some doozies." "Oh, I'm having such a wonderful time, Sam." "It's been such a long time since I've been out on a date." "Really?" "What about you, Sam?" "Is there anyone special in your life?" "No." "No, nobody in my life." "What?" "I lied." "There is somebody." "Her name is Andi." "Oh." " Yeah." " Oh." "If you've got a girlfriend, what are you doing here with me then?" "Because we can't be together." "It's really complicated." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry for misleading you." "Don't be." "I admire your honesty, Sam." "So here we are at a crossroads." "Do we call it a night or do we... press ahead and see where things lead?" "How's that song go?" ""If you can't be with your true love..."" "No." "The lyric is "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with."" "I should know, I wrote it." "Or at least I provided the weed that provided the tryst that provided the inspiration." "This isn't what it looks like." "I'm not talking to you." "And you, you're a teacher." "He's your student, for goodness' sake." "Does your perverted libido know no limits?" "Right, you're insane." "You're actually insane." "And I don't ever want to be with you ever!" "I'll deal with you later." "Oh, there you are." "Hi, Sock." "Ben's not here." "Ben's working a midnight shift." "So I would thank you to haul your stalky ass out of here." "I don't want to talk to Ben." "I want to talk to you." "Well, I don't want to talk to you, so come on." "Slip it out." "Slip it quick." "Would you drop this at the curb?" "Thank you." "There may be some recyclables in there, so would you be a doll and separate the plastics?" "Good times." "Later." "Yeah, that's a good little trick." "Really spooky." "I'm so scared." "Too bad it's pointless." "Stand there staring at me all night." "Turn into a big acid drooling monster, I don't care." "'Cause quality sleep, little lady, comes first." "12 hours a night, five hours a day." "Sock, I'm not here to scare you." "Oh, really?" "I need to see Ben, Sock." "I need to see him and I need to tell him how sorry I am." "And, well, frankly you're just... you're standing in the way of that." "I would do, I don't know, anything to have Ben back." "Ha ha, yeah." "Oh!" "The question is, what would you not do to protect him?" "Okay, whoa whoa." "Okay, let me just clear this up." "You're thinking that you can demon-bang your way through me to get to Ben?" "Well, I thought about bringing a friend, but I wasn't really sure if you like girls or guys." "What?" "What?" "I like girls." "What are you talking about?" "Get out of here." "Okay, well, I just thought..." "You just thought?" "You just thought what?" "You're weirdly close with Ben." "No, not weirdly close, all right?" "Awesomely committed, how about that?" "There's a big difference." "So you can just forget about trying to seduce this guy." "If I feel the urge to trade my dignity for a little drowsy nasty, I listen to Jewel." "Or I hit the porn drawer." "So there's absolutely nothing" "I could do to change your mind?" "Mmmm, no." "Not that I can think of." "Sorry." "Oh, well, then you leave me no choice." "Is that mine?" "Ben." "Yo, Sam, you want to toss me one of those spray nozzles?" " Quick quick." " What are you doing?" "I'm building a flamethrower." "You mind if I ask why?" "I'm burning down Nina's lair." "Gonna drive her out of town." "Also would you toss me one of those 3/8 couplets right there?" "Sock, doesn't that sound a little severe?" "I mean, even by your standards?" "She crossed the line, Sam." "She did that demon trick." "She invaded my dream world." "This is my safe place." "No one penetrates my safe place." "Hey, Sock, have you seen Andi around?" "I heard she called in sick." "Andi, hey." "I heard you were out sick." "I hope it's not because of me." "Hey, kiddo." "Gloomy sky today." "Fits my mood." "What are we doing here?" "Good question." "What the hell are we doing here?" "Two love-struck idiots caught under the spell of the same witchy woman." "So you're not mad at me?" "No." "How could I be?" "I mean, what man can resist Sally?" "Here." " A vessel?" " Yes." "It's for Sally." "She's an escaped soul?" "No, I let her out of hell, Sam." "I set her up in this house, got her a good job, showered her with affection and still..." "It's a matter of honor, Sammy." "Honor." "Sam." "I was convinced I'd seen the last of you." "Yeah, I was thinking we could talk." "Yes, about last night..." "I'm so sorry." "What a disaster." "I should have known better than to try and sneak around on the Devil." "I'm not here about last night." "No?" "The Devil sent me to vessel you, to send you back to hell." "Oh." "I'm sorry it's come to this, Sam." "I really like you." "I like you too." "Yes, and I thought we made a real connection at dinner last night." "If the Devil hadn't interrupted we most certainly would have ended up in bed together." "Is that something that still interests you?" "Your being with me?" "I have a better plan to keep you out of hell." " You do?" " Tell the Devil the truth:" "This was all my doing;" "That you're innocent;" "I was trying to seduce you;" "Also that I lied and took credit for his gift." "What, the steamer was from the Devil?" "Yeah." "Oh." "I'm sorry, Sam." "I don't quite understand." "I mean, why the gun?" "Why don't you just tell the Devil the truth?" "I mean, why all this drama?" "Because you still have something I want... something you can trade for your freedom." "The Devil's secrets." "Secrets that I need." "Oh." "Are you blackmailing me?" "Think of it as a trade." "Share what I need to know and you'll stay out of hell." "And I'll get out from under the Devil." "It's a win-win." "You're expecting me to betray the Devil?" "Well, yeah." "I can't do that." "You can't?" "I thought you hated the Devil." "Oh, I do." "Sometimes." "Other times I find him quite... charming." "I mean, he is the Devil, the second most powerful being in all of existence." "Now I've never experienced the high that people say they get from knowing the love of God so I can't really compare, but I certainly know the rush that comes with being pursued by the Dark Lord." "No." "This doesn't have to happen, Sally." "We can still strike a deal." "Well, this is a first." "So are you ready to talk trade?" "Put down that gun, Sammy." "What are you doing?" "Ahh!" "How about that entrance?" "Snazzy, huh?" "God, what are you grinning about?" "He could have killed me." "Oh, is that the kind of welcome that I get?" "Come on, who's your hero?" "You are an ass." "I am the Dark Lord of asses." "I heard your confession, Sally darling." "After all these centuries I finally know you're into me." "So let's cut to the chase." "I didn't come here to try to earn your love and respect." "I came here to earn a trip upstairs." "Well, you make no mistake." "If it were not for that very thoughtful vegetable steamer, you would not be getting lucky today." "Come on." "I don't feel right about this." "Maybe I should call Nina and talk things out over coffee." "Huh-uh, too late for coffee, Benji." "I might be able to get her in couples' counseling, work through the issues." "What issues?" "There are no issues." "You two are over, all right?" "You missed a spot right there." "Ben." "What are you doing, Ben?" "We're setting your house on fire." "Whoo!" "Oh." "Why does it always come to this?" "Why, does this happen a lot?" "Yes." "I have lost track of how many times angry villagers have chased me with lit torches." "This is a flamethrower." "I guess that's just to be expected when the world sees you as a monster." "I don't see you as a monster." " What?" " You don't?" "No." "What about all that tormenting stuff that I did?" "And what about what I did to your car?" "I had it coming." "I should have never put my grandmother's needs over yours." "I mean, she just held the keys to my inheritance." "You were my girl." "I made the wrong choice." "Yes." "Yes, you did." "And the truth is that I missed you." "I missed you too." " Sock." " What?" " Buddy." " What!" "?" "I think me and Nina are getting back together." "I know how super important your quality sleep is to you, but you think you can get past what Nina did?" "For me?" "You could melt an iceberg with those deep browns of yours, buddy." "I know." "Bring it in." "All right." "Oh!" "Okay." "Get the tank." "No, get the tank." "The tank!" "Okay, go." "Get the..." "That could've gone better." " Whoa!" " Oh!" "Get going." "Get going." "Want me to talk to Sock, get him to join your fantasy hockey league?" "I'd rather you didn't." "I hate fantasy hockey, Sam." " What?" " I hate the internet." "I hate trolling dating sites for women I can never meet." "I hate posting a daily blog that's only ever gotten eight hits." "I hate my life." "I'm sorry, Dad." "Don't be, Sam." "Because I've been thinking, and I think I know of a way you can help me." "Anything." "Send me to hell." " What?" " Send me to hell." "Let me go look for Alan Townsend for you." "Let me help you get out of your deal." "Dad, I can't do that." "Look at me, Sam." "I should have died but I can't die." "I can't live either." "Not like this." "There are answers in hell, Sam, answers to fix both our problems." "Look..." "I was your father once." "Let me be that again." "Please." "Let me help." "Ahem." " What's this?" " It's a cell phone." "I found it in Ted's pocket." "I think he would have wanted you to have it." " Oh, thanks, Sock." " Yeah." "Attaboy." "Uh, be safe, Mr. O." "And thanks for keeping an eye on King Charlie." "Oh, he's such a good rabbit, Ben." "If it's okay, I'm just gonna tell him you went on a long cruise." "Yeah, of course." "Come on, Sam." "This is... this is..." "this is exciting stuff." "I mean, I feel like an astronaut blasting into space." "I love you, Dad." "I love you too, Sam." "Okay." "Give 'em hell, Mr. O." "Count on it, Sock." "Count on it." "I heard about your dad." "I'm sorry." "Do you want some company?" "I called the Bargain Bench." "Turns out they have a great return policy." "Good." "So aren't you gonna ask me?" "About what?" "About Sally." "No, I am not." "Nothing happened." "Well, you know, it's really none of my business." "Uh..." "It's my phone." "Text message." " It's from my dad." " What?" ""I'm in." "Will keep in touch." "Should've brought water."" "He made it."