"Ah, I remember my first laptop dance." "I am trying to find a signal for my annual online golf tournament." "And I have a feeling that this is the year that I am finally going to realize one of my lifelong dreams-- winning something vaguely sports-related." "That ought to knock your heart-surgeon brother off the favorite son list." "Well, I need to win this year." "Because I am not used to living with failure." "I don't know how you do it." "I don't live with failure." "No, but you are frequently seen together." "Like at your play last night." "That guy was everywhere." "Not according to the student paper." ""Mr. Babbitt's production of Pippin will be running from April 26th through the 29th." "Tell your friends."" " Move your thumb." " No." ""Tell your friends to avoid this giant turd."" "Well, I don't care what the critics say." "I picked a play that kids couldn't relate to." "But not this time." "Uh-uh." "At noon, we start rehearsals for Cabaret." "Ah yes." "What high-schooler can't relate to transvestites and Nazis?" "Wait a second." "Rehearsal's at lunch?" "You're going to miss my tournament." "I know, I'm bummed." "I love watching you play computer golf." "I also like watching you read." "Let me tell you something about our friendship." "You're the drama guy, and I'm the sports guy." "You're the sports guy?" "You're the drama guy?" "Hey, Dick." "What are you doing?" "I thought you gave up smoking." "I did." "But then I saw your play last night, and I decided to give up on life." "Yes." "Perfect reception." "This is where I'm going to win the tournament." "This will soon become one of the legendary places of golf." "Yes, the 17th at Pebble Beach, Amen Corner at Augusta." "And this filthy little smoking ledge." "Dick, you want to grab this?" "Nope." "But you're my caddy." "I don't care what you call me." "I'm not going to carry your crap." "Gruff." "I love that quality in a caddy." "Gruff but nurturing." "Like a mother bear." "You know, I bet Tina 100 bucks you're going to win." "Don't let me down." "The wife and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary." "And she wants me to take her to Applebee's." "Oh, look at the three of you." "You're like a lesbian recruitment poster." "Oh, and" " When Jeff loses the tournament, I would like to be paid in cash." "Not those coupon books that you old people favor." "He isn't going to lose." "And if you don't want to save five bucks on your ground beef at Kroger's, fine by me." "You bet against me." "Why?" "Well, I did some research online." "And you lose every year." "By the way, who takes seven hours to run a 10K?" "At the 3K marker, I ran into some friends and got some lunch." "She's right." "Every year something goes wrong." "It's almost like... the universe doesn't want you to win." "Hey, hey." "I'm a science teacher." "And I can tell you, the universe has got nothing to do with luck." "It has to do with stars and... gassy stuff." "You know, I'm glad you're doubting me." "Because this year, I play not for pride or for redemption or for the $2,000 prize money but for redemption." "You said you weren't playing for redemption." "Yes, but as I was speaking, I realized I am playing for redemption." "I do believe... that nothing can stop me today." "Oh my God!" "What was that?" "So that's what a motherboard looks like." "That's the motherboard over there." "I can't believe you destroyed my computer." "I didn't know it was there." "How would you feel if I barged through a door and destroyed something important to you?" "Like the Queen." "Or Beckham." "Look, I'm sorry." "When I'm stressed, I go out there for a bit of peace and quiet." "Maybe a little cry." "Well, in the future, if you're looking for a good crying spot..." "I've got one right here for you." "What's going on, Alice?" "Well, if you must know, I'm overwhelmed." "Last night I had to grade papers, prepare a week's worth of lectures, and try to catch up on my college recommendations." "And I didn't even finish half of it when I passed out at 4:30." "Drinking?" "Sheer exhaustion." "And the tiniest bit of sherry." "Look, I'm sorry about your computer." "I know how crucial it is for schoolwork." "Oh, I don't use it for schoolwork." "How would you even do that?" "No, I need it for my EA Sports computer golf tournament." "Which is notoriously hard to win without a computer." "Must be nice being you." "Not only do you not take your work home with you, you don't even bring your work to work." "Well, if you're implying that I don't care about these students, then lady, you are sorely mistaken." "Wait a minute." "There's a computer in the faculty lounge." "Mr. Cahill." "You just stepped right over that boy." "Yeah, it's easy." "You just have to think of them as logs." "Everybody listen up." "I have a golf tournament." "So I call dibs on the computer for lunch." "That is all." "Everyone?" "Principal Wiggins is on her way in." "And just so you know, she looks amazing." "Didn't I tell you?" "Announcement." "This afternoon, I have been invited to participate in a live online chat with the governor and 200 other school principals." "You go, girl." "So, I'll be chatting on the faculty computer right here at lunch time." "So all of you can witness this historic event." "What?" "Wait." "No, no, I called dibs on this computer." "Your dibs are powerless against Principal Wiggins." "Well, well, well." "Looks like the universe strikes again." "What are you so happy about?" "We're friends." "Your defeats are my victories." "Mr. Babbitt." "I'm surprised to see you here." "In light of last night's production of Pippin," "I thought you'd pick up in the middle of the night and move." "Well, I thought there were some bright spots." "You know, I was enjoying it." "Until Ms. Wiggins told me it was bad." "Now, I know what I'm talking about." "In college, I was a theatre major." "But, I gave it all up when the head of the department told me to give it all up." "Sorry, buddy, I really need this computer for lunch." "Why are you apologizing to me?" "You'll see." "Uh, Emma." "Because of Mr. Babbitt's "show" last night, he told me he'd be happy to let someone else direct the drama department's up-and-coming production of..." "Cabaret." " I never said that." " I would love to!" "No, no, no, you can't, it's at noon when you have your online chat with the governor." "Oh, well, I'll be honest with you." "I wasn't really invited." "I just hired a nerd to hack me in." "Found a breach in the firewall." "Alice." "I know how you can make it up to me for smashing my computer." "Don't tell me." "You want me to turn up at your apartment wearing nothing but high heels and a floor-length mink." "No, that would be pretty embarrassing." "Us dressed the same." "I was thinking more along the lines of you joining me at the bar tonight for a celebratory drink." "Oh, what are you celebrating?" "Your 14th birthday?" "Ah, so now it's childish to compete in an online golf tournament." "Well, you'll be singing a different tune when I print out my first-place trophy." "Hello, Andrew." "Where's your other shoe?" "On the roof with my inhaler." "Jeff, that is the same boy that's been bullied before." "Now, he's your homeroom student." "Shouldn't you be doing something about this?" "He's fine." "Don't get involved." "Yeah, of course not." "That's your motto." "Do as little as possible." "Unless it involves a pointless, make-believe golf competition." "That's a pretty unwieldy motto." "But I'll give it a shot." "I think you put too much starch in that giant hankie." "It's a visual aid." "Because unlike you, my motto is I won't stop until I find a way to reach those kids, even if it means staying up all night to make a timeline of the Bourbon Dynasty." "I've got to tell you, I'm feeling a lot better about my motto." "This thing's not going to work." "Oh." "Well." "Perhaps you'd like to tell me how a master educator such as yourself would teach Louis the 14th?" "What is absolute power?" " You." "Sit on the floor." " What?" "You heard me." "Uh, can't you get in trouble for that?" "Yes, I could." "Do you want to know why?" "Because I do not have absolute power." "But if I did, making Dr." " Your last name?" "Aquino." "Making Sergeant Aquino sit on the floor is the least I could do." "See, when it comes to Louis the 14th, we could talk about the Treaty of Nantes and the War of Spanish Succession." "But what you really need to know is this:" "He had a human chess board." "He had a guy who tasted his food for him." "But mostly, and yes, write this down, when he decided he liked the way his calves looked in high heels, you want to know what his buddies did to him?" "Kick his ass?" "No." "They started wearing high heels too." "And that, my young scholars, is absolute power." "Now, who wants to learn more about Louis the 14th?" "Your witness." "S o." "How's it going, Logan?" "So Pippin got you fired, huh?" "You really blew it, Mr. Babbitt." "You were Pippin." "Anyway." "Doesn't matter." "Because our principal, Ms. Wiggins, she doesn't have what it takes." "Willkomen, bienvenue, welcome" "Howdy, everyone." "I'm your new director." "And you ain't seen nothing yet." "I've got goosebumps." "Fremder, etranger, stranger" "Precise movements." "My use of space." "Commands attention!" "These gams don't hurt either." "Amen." "All right." "First hole. 540 yards." "Dogleg left." "What do you think, caddy?" "Any advice?" "Hit the ball before the 90-second time limit expires." "Yeah, go ahead." "Give it your best shot." "Oh, by the way, I'm wearing a thong." "Big deal." "So am I." "Middle of the fairway." "I am such a good athlete." "This is my year, my friend." " Mr. Cahill." " Yeah?" "I was pulled out of rehearsal because your homeroom student" " Andrew Piznarski." " Yes." "Has filed a complaint." "You are needed in an emergency disciplinary committee meeting." "Right now." "Alice." "Don't do this to me right now." "I am in the middle of a tournament." "Somebody had to do something." "What's with the wrestling outfit?" "Emma!" "This is being blown out of proportion." "According to Ms. Fletcher, Andrew Piznarski is being threatened and harassed by Bobby Garcetti." "Oh, please." "Piznarski, Garcetti." "They're just playing out the age-old battle between Poland and Italy." "Mr. Cahill." "Shall we?" "Can we just-- can I have a second?" "I forgot my Bible in the faculty lounge." "That's unconstitutional." "But I'll allow it." "Alice." "If I thought Andy was really in any danger, do you think anything would keep me from helping" " Ten seconds!" " Gotta go!" "Oh, nice shot." "I'm dead." "I can't keep running back here every 90 seconds." "Yeah, I really wouldn't call that running." "It's more like skipping with swimming arms." "Ha ha." "Your little plan didn't work." "Why are you so happy?" "We're both screwed now." "After this meeting, Emma's going right back to the theater." "Not according to her." "A little bird convinced her she's being pulled in too many directions." "So, I've got my show back." "And you're the only one who is screwed." "Mr. Cahill!" "Damn it." "Boy, I thought the principal in the leotard would be the freakiest thing I saw today." "Oh, good, Mr. Cahill." "We have a lot to do." "Before we begin" "Emma, I know these kids, and this isn't a big deal." "If I can convince Andy to drop the charges, can we forget this whole thing ever happened?" "A disciplinary complaint is serious business." "Once a complaint is filed, the rules say we have to pursue it." "Are you really about the rules?" "Or are you someone different?" "A bohemian?" "An iconoclast?" "An artist?" "Well, I" " I don't know about that, but..." "Bohemian, maybe." "I did live in the West Village, right above the Banana Republic." "Emma, the news about your work in the theater is spreading through the halls of Filmore." "If you listen, you can hear the whispers." "She's good." "She's special." "She's electric." "Emma." "What do you say?" "Can I go talk to Andy and get you back to where you belong?" "Well, I" " I don't know." "I don't know." "Ms. Fletcher said that Andrew was dead set on filing." "So I very much doubt that he'd withdraw" "Andy." "You don't really want to do this, do you?" "Not really." " Well, that's good enough for me." " Okay, see ya." "It's a long par three." "I chose the seven iron." "Go!" " Two feet from the cup." " Yes!" "You are making me proud." "And you're putting my wife into a corner booth at Applebee's." "How did you get out of that meeting?" "Just got canceled." " So Wiggins is..." " On her way back to the theater." "Which is why I'm wearing the mask of comedy." "And you're wearing the mask of tragedy." "Funny, Jeff." "Wow, he seemed sad." "No, I did that with my fingers." "Well no, I mean, it just" " I thought theater was his whole world." "And, you know, it seemed like you went and took that one great love away from him." "You see what she's doing there?" "It's nice." "She's trying to get me to get up from my computer so I'll lose." "Calvin is fine." "Tell her, Dick." " Calvin's fine." " See?" "Jeff has been making his life miserable for a long time." "And he'll continue to make Calvin's life miserable until Calvin dies, sad and lonely, under a refrigerator that Jeff probably rigged to fall on him." "I love this guy." "He's a young me." "Oh my God." "I've got to get Calvin his job back." "Maybe I'll take your wife to Applebee's." "This afternoon, we are going to start with space work." "For example." "I'm eating an apple." "Emma, can I talk to you for a moment?" "Sure." "I'm just sorry it's so damn windy." "Ah, Emma." "Listen." "I've been thinking." "And maybe you shouldn't be directing the show." "See, these plays always stink, okay?" "And that stink always lands on the person in charge." "Now wouldn't you rather that stink be on Calvin?" "But this show won't stink if I'm in charge." "Ms. Wiggins!" "I think I got that whole space thing down." "I'm out." "All right, it's the 18th hole." "You par this, you win the tournament." "And if you don't, I'll let you watch me jump on a trampoline." "I think for 2,000 bucks he can buy his own trampoline." "You might be missing the point there, Dick." "And that's a 320-yard drive!" "So what happened?" "I turned up at the disciplinary meeting and no one was there." "Yeah, Andy withdrew the charges." "Andy withdrew the charges?" "Ooh, are we repeating things?" "Try this one." "Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?" "I want to talk to you right now." "Sounds serious." "You better go." "They're teaming up." "It's a woman trap." "It's okay." "I have time." "You're a disgrace." " You're a disgrace." " What?" "Sure, as soon as I'm the repeater you don't want to play anymore." "Look, Andy's scared." "We need to help him." "Why?" "Because Bobby Garcetti is terrorizing him?" "Do you even know who Bobby Garcetti is?" "No, but what's the difference?" "Come with me." "Bobby." "Bobby, this is Ms. Fletcher." "So?" "Tell her how much you weigh." "985." "Now get out of here." "Well, he... he could live in a shoe." "Look, Andy is new here." "If he goes to the disciplinary committee because that kid is harassing him, then he might as well transfer schools." "Look, I know these kids, Alice." "I really do." "And I don't want any of them to get hurt." "Now I have to go play golf." "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You don't look fine." "Well, I don't really know what I'm doing here." "I mean, the harder I work, the less effective it seems to be." "So maybe don't work so hard." "I don't think I know how to do that." "I'd show you how, but it sounds like a lot of work." "Look, if you keep going the way you are, you're going to burn out." "And then we lose a good teacher." "And we don't have many of those." "Thank you." "You've just got to figure out how to have some fun." "I play computer golf." "If you don't like that, find something else." "Ride your bike down the halls." "Grab Dick's love handles." "Make out with a coworker." "Just giving you options." "Yeah, maybe you're right." "Maybe I do take things too seriously." "By the way, I" " I do know how to have fun." "At my last job, I, um..." "I once replaced my boss's Earl Grey tea with Darjeeling." "You should have seen his face." "I'm sure it was much like mine." " You okay?" " Yeah." "Haven't you got a tournament to win?" "Ms. Wiggins cracked." "Now I'm back in the director's chair." "Happy for you, pal." "Uh... you didn't have anything to do with it, did you?" "Me help you?" "That's not our thing." "Hope you lose your tournament." "Thanks, buddy." "You've got five seconds!" "I can do plenty in five seconds." "I don't doubt it." "And I'm on the green!" "All right, I'm just going to tap in and win the tournament." "The curse is lifted and the universe is defeated." "This is all very exciting." "I mean, we are stretching the rules." "But hey, rules were meant to be stretched." "Like these!" "No!" "What have you done?" "I'm sorry!" "I was just trying to have fun." "That is not how you have fun!" "It's frozen." "It's broken." "Just kidding." "I won." "That is how we have fun!"