"Hey, dad, you know what I heard from the radio this morning?" "That the average family has 2.1 kids... 2.1!" "Uh-huh." "Isn't that amazing?" "How come I don't have 1.1 brothers and sisters?" "How come I'm the only child here?" "Why don't you go out and meet some people?" "Dad, you're not even listening to me!" "Dad... dad!" "Ben, please, c'mon, I'm trying to read!" "Well, can't you put the book down for one minute?" "I'm trying to engage in some stimulating intelligent breakfast conversation!" "Well, do that by yourself!" " Dad!" " Yes!" "Put the book down!" "You can't put it down, that's the problem." "I was actually talking about something fairly significant about us building a better family unit." "I'm sorry, will you forgive me this morning because I need to finish this before I get to work." "Here's an idea..." "I close the book, okay?" "Now, you're done with it." "You want me to take it away from you?" "I'll smack you over the head with the book!" "How do you like that idea?" "Well, how about this..." "I put a noose around your neck and pile up a stack of books, tie the noose around the pipe on the ceiling and push the books over, and then you die!" "How about this?" "We just go to the library, and call it even!" "Alright!" "Have your card?" "Yeah." "Good." "Any messages for me, Laura?" "Umm, yeah, there were a couple of calls:" "A cancellation and umm..." "A death threat." "No, seriously." "Alright, no cancellation." "You're not kidding about the death threat?" "No." "What exactly did he say?" "Umm, that he was going to kill you?" "But instead of using your words, use his words, okay?" "I'll be you, "Hello, Dr. Katz's office."" "I don't know, I don't remember." "What did you say to the guy?" "I said, "Okay, thank you, goodbye."" "You said "Thank you" to the guy who just threatened my life?" "!" "Well, I didn't want to make him angri... er." "Yeah, I don't know, man!" "I'm just trying to enjoy everything in life but..." "Some things are frustrating, moving is... really frustrating." "I called UPS when I was moving asked them to help with some boxes, you know..." "And they're a good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call 'em." "I had no idea, I called them up..." ""Yeah, I've got 10 boxes if you can pick them up?"" ""We need to know the weight and the girth."" ""Okay, goodbye."" "So, you just gave up?" "I called back," ""We need the weight and the girth."" ""I don't know what the weight is and I don't know what girth means."" "Right." "And then I just had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula" "I didn't know what he was talking about." "He kept assuring me that it was easy." ""The girth is actually very simple to figure out, you take the length and you double that by the smaller of the height and then you take the width and then"..." ""Okay!" "Gotta go!"" "So, I figured I would call back and then just make up some numbers and let him come and pick them up." "If it's wrong I'll pay the difference!" "Just get the truck moving this way, please!" "So I called back," ""Yeah, I've got uhh... 10 boxes..." "And they all weigh exactly ummm... 22 pounds and they have a girth of... 3."" "And what did he say?" ""3 what?"" ""3 girth units!"" ""Come pick 'em up, please, I'm begging you!" "They're boxes!" "They're brown!" "I've got tape on all of them, probably fit on a Dolly!"" "Uh-huh." "And I had to get a refrigerator." "You got the salesman standing there," ""Hey, how ya doing?"" "What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators, you know?" ""Okay, we've got this refrigerator right here." "This keeps all your food cold for $600." "And we got this one right here." "This keeps all your food cold for $800." "C'mon, c'mon, check this out!" "$1400 keeps all your food cold!"" "So, he wants me to get this one and he's showing me everything he could think of in that refrigerator." ""Look, you have a little meats drawer..." "This is a little drawer for your meats." "You put your favorites in there..." "And this is your crisper and that's for, umm..."" "Crispy things!" "Sure!" ""And this is your butter flap what that is, you come home and go, 'Hey, where's the butter?" "'" "Open up the flap, it'll all be located nice and convenient-like." "And they're all written in cursive and that's a real nice feature!" "Yeah, that is nice."" "Ben?" "Yes, dad!" "That's my name, don't wear it out." "Hold the jokes for one second." "That wasn't a joke." "Are you sitting down, now?" "Of course, that's the only way the blood flows..." "You may wanna stand up for this!" "Are you serious?" "Well, I have some pretty startling news for you, somebody called the office and threatened my life today." "Somebody did what?" "Somebody put a price tag on my head because I got a call this morning..." "First of all, dad, you put a price on someone's head, not a price tag!" "Okay, so what happened?" "I get to work, Laura says" ""You have a couple of cancellations and a death threat."" "So it's the death threat that has you..." "It's the death threat that has me rattled, Ben!" "The cancellations I can live with." "Ha, ha, yeah, sorry." "I don't think this is funny!" "I disagree." "Honestly, dad, if I were to come up to you and say," ""Hey, I've got a death threat," what would you do?" "Now, that's funny!" "It is funny, I guess 'cause it's me." "But I'm not you and this is a serious threat!" "Hey, do you mind if I change the subject?" "Not at all." "Good, I've got to baby-sit tomorrow..." "Do you know Mrs. Shields?" "I knew her very well." "She called here and asked if I want to baby-sit tomorrow so I've gotta baby-sit Jeffrey for one hour tomorrow while she goes out and smokes 20 cigarettes." "Has Mrs. Shields ever met you?" "You don't know Mrs. Shields?" "I know Mrs. Shields!" "I'm just surprised that she asked you to sit for Jeffrey!" "Why would you say that?" "I know he's a very difficult child." "Really?" "Yeah, I'm sure it's nothing that you can't handle." "What's that mean?" "It means that, all of a sudden this death threat doesn't seem to bad." "Can I recommend a couple of games that he might enjoy?" "How old is he now?" "I think Mrs. Shields said he's about 4." ""I'm thinking of an animal," kids that age love that game!" "What is it?" "You say, "Guess what animal I'm thinking of"..." "I know, I wanna play it, so you start!" "I can't think of an animal in my condition!" "Why?" "But if I was... he might have a really long neck!" "Alright, here's what we should do..." "I'll give you a couple of pointers on how to avert a death threat." "And you give me a couple of pointers on baby-sitting 'cause you've done it, for me." "Okay, you go first!" "Don't stick out on the crowd!" "Heh, okay." "And try not to look conspicuous." "Alright, help me out!" "Same goes for you and double!" "Same advice for baby-sitting?" "!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "That's so great!" "Hello, my name is Paul Kozlowski and I'm here to see Dr. Katz!" "Could you take a seat, please?" "Are you okay?" "Uh-huh." "Good, you look good, are you doing something different?" "Alright, I'll sit down." "I do impressions, would you like to hear one?" "I would love to." "Alright, my impression of a cat, giving another cat directions." "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow?" "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow." "Meow, meow, meow?" "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow." "Meow, meow." "That's very funny." "This is my impression of a cow trying to get another cow's attention." "Mooo." "Uh-huh." "Mooo." "Okay, I get it!" "Mooooo!" "I've been working on..." "Trying to..." "Be more entertaining because a lot of people feel I'm dull..." "I've been working on a ventriloquism routine and, actually I'd like to bring out my little friend right now." "Tonguey, are you there?" "Yes, I am, Paul." "Tonguey, how are you?" "I'm fine." "I understand you've been taking some self-defense courses." "That's right, Paul." "Are you tough?" "I can lick you!" "Tonguey, that's a terrible joke!" "I also would like to bring out my friend, Headie..." "Headie, are you there?" "Yes, I am Paul." "Dr. Katz's office." "Hey, Laura." " Hi, Ben." " How ya doing?" "Fine." "It's been a good morning!" "Ben?" "What can I do for you?" "Tomorrow, I'm baby-sitting a neighbor's kid, right..." "Oh no!" "They're gonna let you?" "Yeah, Jeffrey Shields, I call him Jeffy." "Uhm." "I haven't met him yet, but, uh, I pre-screened him on the phone." "Well, good luck with that!" "Yeah." "In any event, I'm gonna slip in there and do..." "She asked me, baby-sitting, you know and immediately we started talking money." "Uh-huh." "'Cause that's what it's all about, baby." "Uh-huh." "So, she thought this would be a volunteer situation and... that's when I laughed right in her face, you know." "I'm not gonna do that for free." "So, what are you charging?" "Well, immediately I said $10 an hour, and then she hung up, I called back and said I'd do it for free." "The neighbor kids are always making fun of me!" "Why is that?" "They're always calling me names like," "♫ Paul, you're inbred, you are inbred, ♫" "♫ We hate you, you are inbred, ♫" "Then we moved to this other neighborhood and the children were even more cruel, they would just tease me." "♫ There's something wrong with you, ♫" "♫ We can't put our finger on it, ♫" "♫ But there's something wrong with you, ♫" "Sorry, I know that I'm dominating the conversation." "I always come here and talk about me, me, me, my problems" "I never asked you about your problems, doctor!" "No, you should dominate the conversation." "That's the way this works, you know." "You're picking up the tab, so you get to..." "What?" "!" "So what's up, Ben?" "I can't stay on the phone too long because I'm right next to the window." "Well, I feel like everything I say now might be overshadowed by the death threat, but, uh, I'm gonna say it anyway..." "No, I think you should live your life as if everything is normal, because that's the one thing that I will not let this guy do is turn my world upside down." "That's a really positive attitude, dad..." "Thank you." "Look out behind you!" "You're taking the quote-unquote "Necessary precautions"?" "I'm wearing a vest right now." "Tweed?" "Yes!" "That ain't gonna help." "Was it a typical death threat like, "I'm gonna kill you"" "or did he mention like he's gonna kill you and your family?" "No, he just mentioned me." "Wheww!" "I mean, I shouldn't make fun..." "You know what the number one killer in this country is?" "Death threat?" "No, Jeffrey." "Ha, ha, ha!" "We're even!" "It sounds like you don't have a lot of confidence..." "That's not true, but I would like to remind you about the whole series of pets you had as a kid." "Right, I do remember that, yeah." "Do you remember what killed them?" "Neglect." "Hmmm." "'Cause you said to me that they can live on love but that was your way of saying that you didn't have time to feed them." "What the hell are you talking about?" "I'm just saying that every pet you ever had died from neglect." "Dad, we're talking about a 4-year-old boy here not some dumb Guinea pig that has to eat every single day!" "Hey, good luck, by the way today, Ben." "What, uh, what do I got going?" "Well, your baby-sitting thing, Ben!" "She's counting on you, Mrs. Shields!" "Oh, baby-sitting!" "What time is it?" "Time to put your handcuffs in the bag!" "You're gonna need them, my friend!" "This kid can be brutal, from what I hear." "This is what I put together for baby-sitting today:" "A compass, a buck knife, a mirror, and a spool of thread." "That's a long time over at the Shields' place" "I wanna be totally prepared." "You are gonna get in trouble, Ben, I know it!" "What are you talking about?" "I don't like the combination of things you're bringing." "Dad, you know..." "You just worry about getting shot let me handle little Jeffrey, alright?" "Okay, just to review..." "I'm gonna worry about getting shot?" "That's correct." "And you're gonna worry about little Jeffrey." "Little JJ." "Oh, man, let me give you one last piece of advice, Ben!" "Uh, no, how about that?" "You have to let this kid know who's boss." "Oh, dad, he knows who's boss, don't worry about that." "Well, then let him know that you'd like to be boss if there's an opening." "Ha, ha, yeah, I see your point, dad." "And you have to set boundaries!" "I suggest you confine him to the continental United States." "Ha, ha, ha!" "So you're saying don't let him get on the plane." "No." "Right." "...and I had to get my uh, my phone turned on, you know." "And I'm at my friend's house and call the phone company..." "Can you turn on my telephone?" "Okay, it's gonna be a problem, I figure." "How, what?" "It's just gonna be a big nightmare, that's our policy!" "Okay!" "It's gonna be a nightmare!" "I mean, it's different than I thought." "I didn't know how it worked..." "So I asked him, "How does it work, do I have to wait in my apartment for a couple days for the phone people to come out?"" ""No, we do it differently now, we can just flip the switch from right here."" "Oh?" "Great!" "Can you go ahead and flip it?" "We're gonna flip it next Thursday!" "Can you flip it right now?" ""We're gonna flip it Thursday!" "Late, or Friday, or the following Monday!"" ""Can you see it from where you're at?" "Can I come down and flip it?"" "So I've been staying with some friends which is, uh... nice." "But I don't understand why people assume that you don't wanna stay in a hotel." "That kills me!" "Ah, you don't wanna stay in a nice hotel." "You wanna stay with us and be uncomfortable for 3 days!" "I don't mind, I don't mind staying in a hotel..." "We won't have it!" "We won't have it!" "Why won't you have it?" "No, you're gonna stay with us and sleep on our fold-out couch!" "People don't sleep on their own fold-out couch, they have no idea what a torture rack that thing is!" "Ya know, they mean well..." ""It's no problem you sleep on this!"" "It's all cockeyed, they're brushing off old pop tarts crumbs..." ""We're gonna get it all set up for ya!" "We're gonna get it all set up."" "They're flapping sheets all over..." ""We're gonna get it all set!"" "You feel like an idiot standing there..." ""Yeah, set it up!" "Let me know when it's all set!"" "And they'll have a mattress about this thick." "And the death bar goin' right down the middle." "It's like you're sleeping on top of a dog house, oh, yeah, this is nice!" "Feeling good about life!" "Dr. Katz's office." "Hey, Laura, how ya doing?" "It's Ben." "I gotta, kinda keep it down, 'cause I'm with the kid." "Jeffrey!" "I'm kidding, Jeffrey, don't!" "Don't cry..." "But I'm doing it, I'm here." "I shouldn't talk long 'cause I gotta keep this kid occupado." "He's a huge pain in my ass." "You probably shouldn't be on the phone..." "No, baby-sitting is really not that bad, you know, the only thing about it, is, it's all about him, you know..." "Well, 'cause he's 4..." "It's just me, me, me, "Hi, I'm Jeffrey."" "I gotta go, Jeffrey just fell down a set of stairs!" "Okay, bye!" "I try to be a good house guest, you know..." "I always clean up after dinner, but what can you do when you're cleaning up?" "All you can do is just bring your plate into the kitchen." "If you're trying to do more than that you'll mess 'em up 'cause they have their own system..." "Am I more in your way like this, or..." "How about if I come around this way?" "Where am I more annoying?" "But you can't not do that." "Then you look like a real jerk, you know." ""I'm done, where's the remote?"" ""What cha' scrubbing'?"" "So you gotta bring your plate in there and you always announce it like they don't know what you're doing," ""I got my plate."" "And they just go, "You can just set it down."" ""Oh, okay."" "Then you're off the hook." "You get one more token thing..." ""I've got the salt and pepper shakers!" "What should I do with the salt and pepper shakers?"" ""Leave them where they were!"" ""Okay, wasting everybody's time!"" "I'm sorry I didn't come in last night, but, uhh..." "Yeah, where were you?" "I don't know if you heard what happened." " What?" " No." "I've got a death threat yesterday." "Oh my god!" "I thought you were mad at me for something." "I can't believe that!" "Somebody called the office and threatened my life!" "Oh, and right before the weekend!" "Stanley!" "I'm just trying to keep the guy's spirits up!" "God!" "Well, I appreciate that, Stanley!" "Are you okay?" "A little shaky!" "Someone really called you?" "What'd they say, they're gonna plug ya?" "I didn't talk to them, Laura spoke to them." "A death threat, and they took a message with your secretary?" "What did they say to her?" "Well, I don't know exactly, but the gist of it was that he's gonna kill me." "What'd you mean "The gist of it"?" "That's what I said..." ""What do you mean the gist of it?"" "That's the one thing that you don't wanna get in that kind of message, is "The gist"." "Are you telling me she didn't write it down?" "No, in fact, it was like an afterthought." "I came in and she said," ""You have two cancellations and a guy called and said he's gonna kill you."" "Boy, that's a roller coaster of emotion there!" "I was just recovering from the 2 cancellations when she hits me with that!" "Uh, not that I don't love you and all that but could you sit over there from now on?" "Sit over at the other end of the room." "Stanley!" "What?" "Dr. Katz?" "Yes." "That guy who wanted to kill you?" "Uh-huh." "Is on line 1." "Did he say what it's regarding?" "No." "Okay, so look, uhh..." "Give me a second to gather my thoughts and my belongings and then put him through." "Okay, let me put him through." "Okay, here's the deal..." "Dr. Katz?" "Yes!" "Still me." "Just gathering my thoughts!" "Can I make a suggestion?" "Yes!" "Don't piss him off!" "Okay." "Hello?" "Speaking." "Yeah." "Right." "Oh?" "Oh, I see!" "Oh, not a big deal." "Yeah, no, I understand now, but umm..." "Okay?" "So I'll see you in a couple of weeks!" "Great!" "So, Laura, I think it was just an expression that you interpreted as a death threat!" "Well, you can't be too careful these days!" "Well, I think you need to be careful about alarming your employer and I like to think of me as a friend." "So?" "So, please, next time around, somebody says they're gonna kill me..." "Say "Do you mean, literally,"" ""or figuratively?"" "Yeah." "I'll take that under advisement." "Please." "Dr. Katz, do you think we'll get another death threat?" "I certainly hope not, Laura." "Well, it was a lot more fun around here this week." "I will admit that it did add a certain..." "Element of tension to my life that I think I miss." "You know, not knowing whether I would be dead or alive tomorrow," "I was living each day like it was my next to the last." "Well, you know what, Dr. Katz?" "Just think of it this way..." "You still could die tomorrow!" "Yeah, yeah, thanks!" "So, live it up!" "Go get'em tiger!" "...but I've been taking self-defense courses because I want to defend myself and I think I've been getting ripped off, doctor, with these self-defense courses." "Maybe you can learn from my mistake but if ever you find yourself in a dark alley and there's a big guy coming towards you, don't do this to defend yourself..." ""Roar, roar, roar, I'm a monster, roar!" "Get away, I'm a monster, I'll eat you up!"" "Doesn't work, that is a bad self-defense technique." "This doesn't work either..." "Booooo, I'm a ghost!" "Get away, boooo!" "Well, let me ask you something, Paul..." "Yes, doctor." "Close your eyes for a second." "You're not gonna sneak up on me?" " Nope." " Okay." "Let your mind wander." "♫ Umm-hmmm... ♫" "Now, let it come back." "Tell me about your earliest childhood memory..." "Whatever pops into your head." "I... remember sitting around." "It's not really the best memory at all." "I was just sitting around." "That must hurt!" "I like watching game shows and my favorite part is the beginning when the contestants get to tell you about themselves?" "'Cause sometimes they have something interesting to say and the host never asks them a follow-up question." "It kills me, you know!" ""Number one, why don't you tell us about yourself?"" ""My name is Kirk Edwards, I'm very close to isolating a gene." "If I'm successful, I'll be able to cure every disease known to man."" "Alright, that's great, ready to spin a wheel?" "You know to look out for the "Bonkers"!" "You hit one of those, you're gonna hear this:" "♫ Mmwaa, mmwaa, mmwaaaa ♫" ""Number two?"" ""My name's Toby and I've got a dog!"" ""What kind of dog do you have, what kind of dog is it?" "Tell us all about it!"" "You know what the music means?" "We're gonna need to stop, Brian..."