"Now, I'd like to introduce you to two very funny men." "They're sweeping Britain and their talent is far from little!" "Please give a big, warm welcome to Little Britain!" "(APPLAUSE)" "(CHEERING)" " Innit lovely here in the park?" " Yeah, I know." " Pop us a wheelie." " No, that's not a good idea." " Oh, pop us a wheelie." " No, you say they make you feel sick." " Yeah, I know." "Pop us one." " All right." "A little one." "Whoa!" " I feel sick." " Oi!" "Einstein!" "All right?" " Come over here and say that!" " Rise above it." " They're taking the mick!" " Just ignore it." "Someone should smash them two in the face." "I thought you said you were against violence." "You said violence was the last bastion of moral cowardice." " Yeah, I know." " Well, leave it, then." "Let's feed the ducks." "(YOB) 'Ere!" "Davros!" "Peaceful here, isn't it?" "That's why I like it." "Yeah." "A real restful atmosphere." "I find the water very calming and I know you do, too." "Absolutely magical, isn't it?" "Especially on a day like today when it's so tranquil." "Ahh." "All the troubles of the world just float away." "# Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream" "# Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream #" "There we are." "That's gone, innit?" "Yeah." "See?" "They've gone." "Rise above it." "Yeah, I know." "Have you got me inhaler?" "(LOUD CHEERING)" "When's my next meeting, Sebastian?" "Just a minute, Prime Minister." "My mouth's a bit full." " Better hurry up." " There." " Finished." " Thank you." "I didn't know there was a tear." "Yeah, it was right there, Prime Minister." "Right." "Oh, um, here are the notes from the Russian trade negotiation, Prime Minister." "Right." "Em..." "Right, who am I... who am I seeing now?" "Oh, just some envoy from the British embassy in Moscow." "OK." "Bring him in." "The Prime Minister will see you now." "Prime Minister." "Andrew!" " How are you?" "I didn't know it was you!" " Don't touch him, please!" "Don't touch him!" "Oh, Sebastian, it's OK." "This is Andrew Wilsher!" "He actually used to do your job." " How many years ago was it?" " Nearly five years ago." "Five years!" " Now you're in Moscow?" " Yes, yes." " How's it been?" " Fine." "Not as much fun as working for you." " No staying up drinking tequila together!" " Don't remind me!" " What was that?" " Oh, we just used to get..." " We spent many drunken evenings together." " What happened?" "Well... nothing happened." "We just got very drunk." "No, there was that time when you locked yourself out of your room and were knocking at my door at three o'clock in the morning!" "Were you naked?" " Er, no." " What happened, then?" "Well, I locked myself out of my room and, er..." " It's a long story." " Let's hear it." "Yes, well, um..." "Maybe we should get down to business." "Yeah, the Prime Minister is actually very busy, so get to the point." "Um, I was wondering whether you could go through these notes and sign them off before I leave on Friday." " You're here until Friday?" " Yes." "I've got some spare time." " Fancy a drink in the Commons bar?" " Well..." " No." "We're actually very busy." " Well..." "You're hurting me, Sebastian." " Right, well, I'll see you at the end of the week." " Great to see you, Andrew." "Great to see you." " And lovely to meet you, Sebastian." " Yeah, whatever." "Prime Minister, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't bring your exes round." " It makes me feel very uncomfortable." " Please." "I really need to read these papers now, Sebastian." "(AUDIENCE) Ah!" "Did you sleep with him?" "!" "(THEME MUSIC)" "Hi, gang." "Let me introduce myself." "I'm a teacher at the comprehensive school down the road, St Kylie's." "And, um..." "Don't worry." "I know we're not all at school now." "I'm not gonna spoil your fun." "Is somebody talking at the back?" "!" "It's very rude!" "So what I'm gonna do is..." "Get out!" "What I'm gonna do is bring on an ex-pupil of mine and she's gonna share with you young people some of her experiences." "Victoria Pollard!" "(CHEERING)" " I'll leave them there." " (BABIES CRY)" "Shut up!" "Don't go giving me evils!" "I say, that's a lot of babies, Vicky." "Are they all yours?" "Yeah, I've got six kids from seven different men." "OK, well..." "I hope you don't mind me saying, but you used to be on the wrong side of the tracks." "In fact, you got arrested for shoplifting 37 times." "No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no but yeah, but no because I did shoplift, but I didn't because this whole thing happened what I don't even know nothing about because... you know Trish?" " No." " Trish!" "Trish Trish!" "Trish!" "Michelle and Trish?" " No." " Michelle had nothing to do with it, anyway!" "Don't start getting involved!" "We was all down the Paki shop sniffing highlighters, but then Louise Fallon came over, who I completely hate because she wrote about me, saying I gave Craig Herman a blowy, but I would so never do that!" "She was well out of order!" "I would so never do that!" "It was his brother." "Anyway..." "She came over and said we should all go down the arcade, so we did, but Jermaine wasn't there." "He was in Superdrug, so we all went to Superdrug, but Jermaine wasn't there and we started shoplifting, but we all got caught and Samina started crying, but don't listen to her 'cause everyone knows she's got one tit bigger than the other." "Right..." "OK." "Um..." "OK, so let's go back a bit." "Um..." "You were summoned to court, you were found guilty and sent to borstal." "I know as soon as you got to borstal you were accused of biting another girl." "Shut up!" "I never bit no one!" "I didn't even have anything to bite her with!" "You're well out of order!" "Anyway, oh, my God, this whole other thing happened." "Because I was with Alison who was sick all over the sickbay, but I never broke no chapel window, but Kylie found a pube in her lasagne!" "OK, but, um... since that point you've turned your life around." "You completed your sentence at borstal, you enrolled in college and you're now doing a B Tech in?" "Hollyoaks." "Hollyoaks." "Um..." "OK." "It's true." "We'd like to know, are you enjoying college?" "No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but... no, but yeah!" "But no." "But yeah, but no, but yeah, but... y'but... y'but y'but, y'but... no... but YEAH, but NO..." "# But yeah, but no, but yeah, but no But yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but... #" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I love it, actually, because we never have to go into lessons." "We're always skiving off, and last week we skived off and went down Weston-super-Mare to the Radio One Roadshow because I really, really, really, so really wanted to meet Busted." " Oh, and did you?" " No, I just got fingered by Chris Moyles." " Thank you very much, Vicky Pollard!" " Thank you." "It says here there was a bucket stolen in the village on Tuesday." "Oh, it's a crime wave." "(CHEERING)" "Mum." " Dad." " (BOTH) Morning, son." "There's, uh..." "There's something I want to tell you both." "(MUM) Ooh, put your paper down, Dad." "Now, what is it you want to say?" "Now... you... (LAUGHTER)" "(CHEERING)" "Now, you may have noticed I haven't really had any girlfriends." "Well, you used to go out with that girl from the chip shop." "Please, that was just a phase." "Don't mention that again." "What about that girl at school, the one with the lazy eye?" "Again, the folly of youth." "No, what I want to tell you, here, today, is that I am, in fact..." " Asthmatic?" " No." "I am a gay!" " Oh, that's nice, dear." " Yeah, good for you, lad." "It says here that the bucket had a chrome handle." " So you don't mind?" " Of course not." " You won't disown me, cast me asunder?" " No." "To be honest, love, we did have a bit of an inkling." "So you... you got a boyfriend, then?" " No." " Oh!" "Not been having any arse action at all?" "No." "But I have been thinking about having it, which may shock you!" "We'll have to try and fix you up with someone." "That won't be very easy, I'm afraid, as I am - centre stage, centre stage - the only gay in the village." "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "I tell you what, though." "There's a right handsome lad who works down the mine." "He takes it up the chuff." " No, thank you." " Oh, now, I'll tell you who's mad for cock." "You know, gay Aled who runs the sauna." " Gay Aled is not gay!" " Your uncle Glyn's had him." " Apparently, he's very into water sports." " Oh, that's nice for them, isn't it?" "What I'm going to do is invite the whole family to come here on Sunday." "I don't think they'll like it, but I think it's time I told them." " I'm not sure Sunday's gonna be any good, love." " Why not?" "Your uncle Gareth will be at the Mardi Gras in San Francisco." "Your cousin Bryn is going down to Cardiff to watch Bette Midler." " What about Auntie Shona?" " She stays in on a Sunday and eats minge."