"previously on s60" "What is your problem?" "That after you broke up with me,I went out with somebody else?" "That's what almost always happens." "Not someone from where I work." "I think you know how The Smoking Gun got tipped to the DUl." "A guy named Ryan Mulrooney." "When I was 25,we were married for nine months." "He's shopping a book." "You want us to quit?" "Badly." "You think it's gonna happen?" "Not a big chance,no." "I need to know how big a problem it's gonna be." "It's not gonna be a problem at all." "It will if you're in love with her." "I'm not." "I'm not." "the west coast delay" "90 seconds... that's what he's asked for." "90 seconds of material from the writers' room." "Was the request patronizing and a veiled insult?" "I think so." "I don't think the insult was that veiled." "Me neither,but not being able to contribute 90 seconds to a 90-minute telecast is a good way to demonstrate that we're people who should be insulted." "Yeah." "What?" "It is." "We have to produce something!" "May I actually ask to..." "No." "May I ask to re-pitch..." "No." "the sketch about McDeere?" "No." "I agree." "The DUl,the Christian Right,a joke about cocaine,the book,the marriage,the sex clubs." "To say nothing about hiring back Matt and Danny." "Everybody's doing it." "We'll look ridiculous if we don't." "Jay,Conan,Dave." "SNL did it 24 hours after we did nothing." "If we're gonna do a sketch calling the president of this network a drunken sex addict," "I'm not going to be the one to write it." "What else?" "It's self-deprecating." "Self-deprecating would be if we were drunken sex addicts." "What else?" "!" "I've got something." "What?" "I think I've got something." "Hal,do you feel that this is the right time to pitch me something that blows?" "No." "So you're willing to take that chance?" "Let me see it." "It's for Simon." "Either as a sketch or he can do it as an editorial in "News 60." "" "At school's today,all the kids are diagnosed "with stuff like dyslexia,hyperlexia,ADD,ADHD." ""In my day,you were just stupid." ""'What's wrong with my son?" "' "Oh,him?" "He's stupid." "Next!" ""America's the most overweight nation in the world." ""We got so much food here,"we drop it on people along with bombs." ""If you really want to mess with somebody's head," ""drop a cruise missile and a couple of tons of Hot Pockets on their ass." "" This is it." "Let's everybody get to work on this." "What?" "Matthew?" "Out here." "Are you busy?" "I'm choking." "You want me to come back?" "No.What do you need?" "Listen." "I want to move on." "Go ahead." "Wait.What do you mean?" "I want closure,Matthew,and I want to move on." "Are you talking about us?" "Yes." "We broke up." "Yeah." "How much more closure you looking for?" "I want you to tell me that you have no intention of trying to win me back." "Well,we have a problem there." "Yes,I know." "You're a Northeastern Jewish liberal atheist and I'm a Southern Baptist who believes that you're going to burn in hell." "Two problems." "You're my boss." "You think that's an insurmountable obstacle." "What's gonna happen when I give you a note you don't like, or give Jeannie a sketch you want,or give you a sketch you shouldn't have gotten?" "I know." "I didn't come up here to convince you otherwise." "I just wanted to hear it so... we have closure." "Yes." "We are closed." "You feel all right about it?" "I'd feel better if you appeared even a little ambivalent." "I'm extremely ambivalent." "What I'm exhibiting are leadership skills." "Well done." "Is that for me?" "It is." "I wanted to give you a non-romantic present." "You did two great shows in a row." "Well,it doesn't get a lot less romantic than a baseball bat." "It's signed by Darren Wells." ""You're a big hit.Darren Wells." "" How did you get this?" "You really want to know?" "Ironically,I got it when I sang the national anthem at the Dodgers game." "You asked him for it?" "He gave it to me." "When?" "After I sang." "Okay,wait.He gave this to you?" "He did.And I'm giving it to you." ""You're a big hit." He's talking about you?" "He liked the way I sang." "I'm giving it to you because I like the way you write." "Yeah,but I think we're skipping over a part." "I'm passing it on." "Harry?" "Yeah?" "He wrote his phone number on here." "What do you mean?" "I mean,he wrote his phone number on here." "You didn't see it?" "That's his phone number?" "What'd you think it was?" "I just thought it was his uniform number." "You know,they sign their name and then write the number." "Yeah,they do do that." "You thought his uniform number was "three billion,106 million,786,000,five"..." "He was asking you out." "You know,now that I've had some time to reflect upon it,I think you might be right." "Do you?" "Yes." "Yeah,you gave me a used cocktail napkin,basically." "Do you think I don't know that men are interested in you?" "Whoa,wait." "I didn't give it to you on purpose." "You put a ribbon on it,knocked on my door and handed it to me." "I meant I wasn't trying to make you jealous." "Has he asked you out?" "Hmm?" "Has he asked you out?" "Nope." "Okay." "Yes,he has.We've had dinner." "And he's coming to the show Friday." "I lied for a second,but then I realized that I couldn't." "'Cause you're a good Christian girl." "No,'cause I get caught." "I always do." "I didn't give you the bat to zatz you." "It was an honest mistake." "I like how he signs a bat instead of a ball like he's a slugger." "He's a pitcher." "You know what his job is when he comes to the plate?" "To stick out his bat and hope for the off chance that the ball will accidentally hit it on its way to the catcher's mitt." "It was an honest mistake!" "Really?" "You can accuse me of being dumb,but not sinister." "How about manipulative,can I accuse you of that?" "Look,skipper,if I wanted to make you jealous,trust me,you'd be jealous." "I am jealous!" "Well,then bonus for me." "Yeah." "Matt?" "Yeah?" "We got something.It's good.It's for Simon.A "News 60" segment." "90 seconds." "Are we done?" "I'm certain we're not!" "Yeah." "This is funny." "=The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents" "Your executive dining room is open for dinner?" "Figure if I'm gonna make people work late..." "He's self-publishing it on the Internet." "There'll be some mortifying things." "More than the drunk driving and the sex clubs?" "He'll make stuff up." "Why?" "There's a good living in it." "What's the NBS Burger?" "It's a hamburger." "How is it prepared?" "Here in the kitchen of the dining room at NBS." "Gotcha." "Thanks." "This is my assistant Kevin Yu." "Kevin,this is Martha O'Dell." "I read you every week." "Thank you." "I spoke with Danny Tripp's office." "You guys can come by in the morning any time." "Great." "What would possess me to marry him, do you suppose and did I not have a friend who would tackle me to the ground on my way down the aisle?" "I don't know,but if we're going to talk about it,then we're going on the record." "We're not going on the record." "This isn't about me." "Then I have to ask you." "What?" "What's the NBS Salad?" "Some of these are pretty intuitive,Marty." "I'm not as smart as people think I am." "Now she tells us." "It is about you." "You flipped off half the country and the TV business on your first day at work." "I wasn't flipping anybody off." "You can be a woman,look like you do,have the power you do,but not all at the same time." "You manage it and you take on the Right twice a week in print." "I take on the Left,too,and I don't manage it,I just don't care about it." "Google me,you'll find a lot worse than a dui in Sag Harbor." "I know." "Trust me.It's like seasickness;" "you think you're gonna die and everybody else just thinks it's funny." "I do trust you." "And you'll have to go on the record eventually." "Eventually." "So,is that my answer?" "Shelly thinks it's a good idea." "I think it's a good idea,but Matt and Danny are gonna have to think it's a good idea." "We're gonna go see them." "What should I know?" "These are two thoroughly decent guys who have good reason to fear the press." "What's the best way to make a first impression?" "Yeah." "Easy as pie." "I figured." ""America's Gulf coast "is gearing up for another hurricane season." ""This year's storms threaten to be worse than last year" ""when tens of thousands of African-American families were forced to flee their homes." "" You guys should feel free to use my dressing room any time you want." "Thanks." ""A spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers" ""has guaranteed that the new levees will be ready in time to protect the new building projects from surges of water and black people." "" It's taking a little long to get there." "It is." "See that?" "That was piling on." "She was right." "I knew it." "You knew I knew it,and yet you went in for the late hit." "Did you give him the bat?" "yes" "Did he like it?" "I'm not sure." "It was hard to tell from the way he was shoving it up my ass." "I didn't know that Darren had written his phone number on the bat." "He knows you went out with him?" "Dinner." "And he's coming to the show which is not the same as him sleeping with someone who I work with every day and night." "You know I'm sitting right here,right?" "For which his defense was,"We broke up,I'm allowed to date people." "" So I'm curious to find out exactly how that rule is only applied unilaterally." "Of course,we'll never know because he only has conversations when he gets to write what everybody else says,too." "You know what I think?" "I think this." "Let me just say this." "You think it's taking me a long time to get there?" "Simon?" "By all means,come in without knocking." "Yeah.Look at this." "We'll do it as an editorial." "You know,maybe the reason Darren Wells and I get along so well is that he likes to both talk and listen." "Or maybe the reason they get along so well is they both have roughly the same chance of getting a hit in a major league baseball game." "I loathe you." "What do you think?" "It's all right." "I mean,I got some of my own stuff..." "Yeah,do this." "It's from Ricky and Ron." "It was the room." "Okay." "I've still got 12 and a half minutes to write." "I'll be in my office." "Matt?" "You need me to help?" "I think I'm gonna be all right." "I'm trying to get something going on Meet The Press With Juliette Lewis, but I'm not getting any traction on it yet." "Yeah." "Actually,I met with Harriet." "What are you talking about?" "This is exactly what happened with Paula and me when we broke up." "What is?" "She just gave you a brushback pitch,okay?" "She just gave you a little chin music." "She said she didn't do it on purpose." "You believe her?" "No." "A purpose pitch,Matt.She threw at your head." "Are you using a baseball metaphor 'cause it's Darren Wells?" "No,but it's a nice coincidence." "This is exactly what happened with Paula." "She started dating a baseball player?" "A cardiologist,like that's hard to be." "She doesn't like the guy,she's moving you off the plate." "Now you feel crazy,the way she feels- the way she wants you to feel." "I don't feel crazy." "He's a professional athlete,Matt." "He's physically superior to you in every possible way." "I feel a little crazy." "That's right,and that's why you're having trouble writing the last 12 minutes." "Strictly speaking,I've never needed a special reason to have trouble writing,but what's your point?" "This is pure Strindberg." "August Strindberg?" "This is right out of The Father.Scariest play I've ever read." "How did we move from baseball to August Strindberg?" "We just did- the wife drives the husband crazy." "Matt,he literally goes mad because he's never able to regain the upper hand." "He goes mad because the wife plants it in his head that their child might not be his." "Exactly." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Pick yourself up off the ground,don't brush the dirt off your uniform,stand in, and blast the next pitch back into Paula's face." "Harriet's face." "Yes." "Why don't you just call her?" "He goes mad at the end of the play." "It's a very disturbing sight." "I'd like to be your wingman." "Well,I appreciate that,but I'm not flying anywhere." "You need a wingman,and you've always been mine." "I have?" "You could start." "Okay,call Paula." "This isn't about me." "It really is." "You'd talk to Danny,except Danny already thinks that you and Harry are a problem for the show." "This is true." "So I'll just say this." "The Bombshell Babies are at the Roxy through Sunday- two shows a night." "What,do you want me to give her an autographed stiletto boot with the phone number of a Bombshell Babe?" "Now we're on the same page." "Yeah.Why don't you go get some sleep?" "Do you need a copy of my Collected Works of Strindberg?" "I've got my own.Seriously,why don't you get some sleep?" "Yeah,I'm going to crash in my dressing room." "You could just go home,you know?" "Nah- let me know if you need help with Meet the Press." "Thanks." "Maisy!" "Yeah?" "Did I just call you?" "Yeah." "I don't know why." "You want some coffee or something to eat?" "No,thanks." "Okay." "You know anything about the baseball player Harriet's been seeing?" "I know I got him tickets for the show tomorrow night." "At some point,you're going to have to be punished for that." "They just met." "He's just a rebound guy." "Don't let it make you nuts." "Yeah." "Too late." "Would you call over to the stage door at the Roxy and tell the doorman that I'm coming by to see Wendy?" "I'll be back in a half hour." "You going to do something stupid?" "It would certainly appear that way." "Get some sleep." "You guys were great." "Hey,great." "Wendy?" "I see you." "I just need you for a second,then I'll be out of your way." "I never wanted you out of my way,remember?" "I do." "Matty!" "Your first two shows have been great." "You and Danny are the talk of the town." "Oh,thanks.I appreciate it." "Like the wardrobe?" "I listen only for the articles." "What do you need?" "Excuse me.I need a favor." "What favor?" "I'd like one of your boots." "I'm sorry?" "I'd like one of your boots." "My boots." "That you're wearing right now." "And then I need you to sign the inside of it,"Call me,baby" with the comma after "me,"" "and then I need you to add your measurements." "Sure." "You don't want to know why?" "Oh,I just did two shows,Matty." "You really want a therapy session right now?" "No.Good." "Here.You can use this pen." "It's just a joke." "Harry gave me a bat signed to her by Darren Wells." "The pitcher?" "Yeah." "He's hot." "Yeah." "Thanks for the therapy." "Was he hitting on her?" "He wrote his number on the bat." "Harry says she thought it was his uniform number." "Maybe she did." "12,22,seven" " These are usually the kinds of numbers you see on athletes." "They don't typically run to ten digits." "And you're using me to make her jealous?" "Yeah." "Does that bother you?" "No.You know what bothers me?" "What?" "This is lame." "No,the beauty is the comma after "Call me".See?" "It's,"Oh,I thought she said,'Call me Baby,' like that's the nickname she wanted me to call her,when,really,it's,"Call me,baby"." "Matt..." "Holy God,this is lame." "What in hell is the matter with me?" "!" "This is what I'm talking about." "Listen to me.Just grab her and stamp her down." "I can't stamp her down." "Kiss her." "Grab her and kiss her." "I knew what it meant.I can't do it." "Yes,you can." "Wendy,I can't." "I'm the guardian of the employment of about 150 people." "And there are also issues having to do with the fact that she's insane." "Well,you would know about sanity 'cause you're the one here at midnight on a Thursday getting a used boot signed." "You know,I'm not sure you got where I was going with the comma." "I got it." "So this is lame,right?" "Yes." "Okay." "Okay." "You looked great out there tonight." "Thanks." "I'm going to go back and write some more." "I know." "I need her." "Let's go.One more." "You should take the boot." "Again,thank you." "I'm up." "You know what you had me doing last night?" "Hang on,'cause..." "Did a basketball just come flying by my head?" "I've never felt so stupid in my life." "Did you get the boot?" "I gave back the boot,along with most of my dignity." "I gave up on dignity once Paula broke up with me." "Kind of wish you had put it in that context when you advised me to get a boot signed." "Hey,wait." "What?" "Seriously,is this hard?" "When she's performing..." "If I subscribed to this kind of thing,I'd swear God was messing with me." "She believes the world was created in six days, and that's not even among the top three reasons we're not together." "How much evidence do you need that two people are wrong for each other?" "Please..." "Except,when I watch her onstage..." "Your chest hurts?" "Yeah." "God." "What?" "I just think it's great when we talk like this." "Yeah,well,we're done now." "Harry,are you going to have time after Meet the Press to get out and in for News 60?" "What is it?" "2:20?" "Yeah." "I can make the change with 30 seconds to spare." "Really?" "Unless you want me wearing clothes." "Well,I don't." "Take it from where you were." "All right,here we go.And... action." "Hi." "I'm Juliette Lewis,and this is Meet the Press." "Danny?" "Yeah." "Jordan's here." "Thank you." "Hello." "Hi." "You don't look very good." "Oh,that's nice of you,but don't say it unless you mean it." "You look tired." "I haven't been sleeping." "What could possibly be keeping you up?" "Listen,here's why I'm here." "Martha O'Dell is waiting outside." "Outside what?" "Outside this office right here." "Why?" "Vanity Fair has asked her to do a cover story on the show and the regime change." "Shelly wants it,and so do I." "Good,'cause all we've been missing here the last few weeks is a reporter walking around the halls." "She's not just any reporter." "Things happen around here." "People blowing smoke out of their office windows at night." "Tell me nobody's getting high in this building,Danny." "You're shocked that drugs are a part of late-night comedy?" "The Coneheads?" "Toonces the Driving Cat?" "You think Belushi and Farley died from Lou Gehrig's Disease?" "Tell me it's not happening here." "It's not happening here." "One night's sleep I'd like to get." "What's your pitch?" "It'll be for August,the ultimate beach reading issue." "4.8 million readers,most of them known to marketers as "Alpha Consumers." "" Alpha Consumers are the first to know,the first to try,and the first to buy." "They are influencers and pleasure seekers." "The typical VF reader is college-educated,and lives in a household with a six-figure income." "Are you getting this off a crib sheet?" "Yes." "Jordan..." "You can lose five regular consumers replace them with one Alpha Consumer,and I can charge the same ad rates- you understand what I'm saying?" "Bring her in." "You're going like her.I've known her a long time." "She's really very..." "Marty?" "Very what?" "Danny Tripp,this is Martha O'Dell." "Great to meet you." "I'm a big fan." "So am I." "I loved the two movies,and the shows so far have been very sharp." "Thank you." "Listen,why don't we go down the hall?" "Matt's gonna have to sign off on this,too." "Sure." "I understand you're going to deliver us influencers and pleasure seekers." "Is that what a Pulitzer Prize gets you?" "I have two." "You want full access?" "Nothing less." "Matt?" "Yeah?" "Nice rack,by the way." "Tell Jordan I'm not 15." "Matt,say hello to Martha O'Dell." "Hi." "See,Matt,on the other hand..." "Yeah." "I'm Matt Albie." "I know.It's nice to meet you." "Martha wants to do a long-lead cover for Vanity Fair." "I've got to keep filing my columns from D.C." ",but I'd be out here every few weeks a few days at a time." "Full access.You okay with that?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Good." "When do you want to start?" "I did five minutes ago." "Give me a second,I'll show you around." "Great." "It will be fun." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Have a good show tonight." "Thanks." "Listen." "Really?" "Yeah,'cause one of her readers is worth five of our viewers." "Well,that would give her a perceived air of superiority." "No,it's an actual air of superiority." "We need her more than she needs us." "I know how you love being in that position." "Yeah,but I'll cowboy up." "You want to go get breakfast?" "Nan,I'm going to stay and work." "Is that a new bat?" "Yeah." "Yeah.Harry gave that to me." "She gave you a bat?" "Yeah,it's signed by Darren Wells." "A pitcher signed a bat?" "Better than a ball.It's a bat." "Anything on your mind?" "No." "You sure you don't want to come to breakfast?" "No.I still got 2:20 to fill." "Well,maybe by the time we get back,something funny will have happened." "I don't write the news." "I can't wait for something funny to happen." "I have to make something funny happen." "Well,you're the best." "Man,I don't care if people remember who she is or not," "Meet The Press with Juliette Lewis is just funny right from the starting gate." "Yeah,it's going to work fine unless she gets too many laughs,then we're going to have a time problem." "Good,this is new- let's worry about getting too many laughs." "It's true." "Anyway,I wanted want to come by and tell you that it really means a lot to Ricky and Ron that you're letting me do some of their stuff tonight." "It's not bad,and you killed with it at dress." "Listen,would you recognize Darren Wells if you saw him?" "The pitcher?" "The pitcher." "If we're calling him that." "With a career record of seven and 15 with an ERA of 6." "26 and one win in his last eight decisions." "He's got a walk-to- strikeout ratio that could only be impressive in T-ball and once tore a rotator cuff drying his hair with a towel." "They've been out once." "You knew?" "Yes." "And you didn't tell me?" "He probably thought it would distract you.Obviously,he was wrong." "You've seen the board,the show is done and it's good." "I know it's good." "And between writing the show and getting a stiletto boot signed at the Roxy," "I'm surprised you had time to memorize his pitching stats." "How did you know about that?" "Stiletto boot?" "I miss nothing." "There he is." "He's big." "It's not hard to be big." "That's right." "Let's see this guy make the dean's list eight semesters in a row as a contemporary dramatic lit major." "Fairy." "What the hell kind of a mind works on a Juliette Lewis impression?" "Same kind that takes it and puts it in Tim Russert's chair." "Let's go,start the show." "And be careful,will you?" "'Cause between here and there might be windows made of glass." "Yeah." "Jordan." "Yeah." "You wanted these,too." "Oh,thanks." "Shelly Green's office just called." "God,what now?" "Ryan's going on Geraldo." "When?" "Monday night." "Well... sharks got to swim,bats got to fly,I'm gonna get screwed by this man 'til I die." "Mind if I ask you something?" "What?" "Some of the stuff is true,some he's making up." "Yeah." "So,why not at least put out a piece of paper saying" ""this one's true,this one he made up,this one's true." "" Why not at least do that?" "'Cause I'd look like an idiot,I prolong the story,I'd take it to a new level by commenting, and mostly,I'd help him sell books." "Well,you're taking it well." "Thank you." "You going home?" "No,I'm going to go over to Studio 60,check on Martha." "Okay." "Monday?" "Yeah,I'll see you Monday." "No,he'll be on Geraldo Monday,my ex-husband." "Yeah." "Okay." "At schools today,all the kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia,hyperlexia,ADD,ADHD..." "When I went to school,they were just stupid." ""What's wrong with my son?" "" "Oh,him?" "He's stupid." "" "Next!" "" America's also the most overweight nation in the world." "We got so much food here,we drop it on people along with bombs." "What are you doing?" "I'm listening." "Why aren't you watching?" "I'm listening." "Why?" "'Cause if I don't attach the voice to the face,then..." "It doesn't matter." "Okay.I didn't care anyway." "I'm Simon Stiles." "And I'm Harriet Hayes." "That's the news." "We're out." "90 seconds back." "I got us right on it,Cally." "Yeah,Tom's gonna blow that all to hell with Dr.Phil,though." "You and Matt are both worried about people laughing too much." "I'm worried about they turn off the electricity at 10:00." "How's Matt liking it?" "I don't know,he's wandering around." "Why?" "He's in love." "Okay." "30 back." "Ricky,Ron." "Pretty good show so far." "Your stuff in the news killed." "I wanted to say nice job." "Thank you." "Thanks." "You think you can mention to Matt that you liked it?" "Well,it's not gonna matter to Matt if I liked it." "Only if he liked it." "We should be overseeing the news." "One show at a time." "I thought it was a pretty big step that he gave you 90 seconds." "We're used to running the show." "90 seconds isn't a big step for us." "I meant it was a big step for him." "Anyway,90 seconds is enough to feel pride of authorship." "Thanks." "That's how we do it downtown,baby." "Do me a favor,don't write down the "baby." That just came out." "Look,I can't get involved in my own story,but you need to see this." "I was surfing the net" " You need full access." "listen to me- to get real-time reaction to the show." "And this was posted a few minutes after News 60 came down." "And it looks like a home movie of a comic at a club called The Laugh Factory." "And there's a date stamp." "It was taken almost a year ago." "In schools today,kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia,hyperlexia,ADD,ADHD." "In my day,you were just stupid." ""What's wrong with my son?" "" "Oh,him?" "He's just stupid." "Next!" "" America is the most overweight nation in the world." "We got so much food here,we're dropping it along with the bombs on other countries." "It's Danny." "Let the audience go,but nobody else leaves the building." "I need Jordan McDeere,I need Legal,I need the broadcast center." "We got a problem." "Good show." "Good show,man." "Whoa,whoa,whoa,where you going?" "What?" "Where you going?" "I'm going." "I knew it.Matt..." "I'm going to her dressing room and I'm stamping her down." "Why?" "'Cause one of the Bombshell Babies gave me some really good advice." "I dare you to say that sentence again." "If the Bombshell Babies know anything,it's..." "Dancing." "Romance." "Matt,they're telling me they need you upstairs." "In a minute." "Listen to me,the show just came down,you're full of adrenaline, you just watched her perform,and it's your most vulnerable time." "Maybe so." "Well,don't you think she knows that?" "This is like a free Strindberg Festival in the park." "Has nothing to do with Strindberg." "When Paula and I broke up..." "Tommy,you and Paula broke up because she never saw you." "We never leave here." "That's not true." "Friday night was always date night." "Friday night is show night." "And we'd have date night at the wrap party." "She's a doctor." "She went to college for ten years." "She doesn't want to compete for your time with the girls of Delta Gamma." "Excuse me,sir,they're waiting for you upstairs." "I will be up in a minute." "Matty,aside from all that,you're her boss." "Yeah,you know,I was thinking about that,too,and that's just ridiculous." "It's not." "What about all the other couples in show business?" "Vincent Minelli and Judy Garland." "Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe." "Things worked out well for those guys." "The Carpenters." "Siblings." "But again,she's dead." "If Harriet dies,I can live with that.What I can't live with is..." "Harry,can we get a picture of you two?" "Well,wait,hang on." "We can use it or not use it." "It's up to you." "Matthew." "No,I was just..." "Matt." "I'm sorry,am I allowed to pick this up or does it have to be a union..." "Sir." "union grip or something?" "They need you upstairs." "Hang on,this is..." "No,yeah.I just... came downstairs to say great show." "Darren,I'm Matt Albie,I'm a big fan." "I saw you pitch against the Mets in July." "They couldn't touch you." "That was a good game." "Matt." "Man,you made me laugh tonight." "Yeah,no,it was them." "It was him." "Something's happened,Matt." "What?" "Danny needs you upstairs right now." "Something's happened." "Excuse me." "You really want to mess with someone's head,drop a cruise missile and a ton of Hot Pockets on their ass." "How did it happen?" "I don't know." "It was material that came from the room." "What do you want to do?" "Whatever Matt tells us to do." "Well,I want to..." "Whatever he tells us to do,Jordan,this is his." "Accusing a writer of plagiarism..." "You just said it wasn't..." "Doesn't matter if it's true or not.Martha?" "You might as well accuse him of being a sex offender." "An immediate press release worded however he wants,an apology,whatever he tells us to do." "Including,Cal,we're going to have to... break into west coast tape delay with a rewritten News 60 again live." "The whole thing?" "Yeah,I can't CGI Simon and Harriet into the middle of a taped segment." "They got to do the whole thing again...at what?" "00:13,I think." "What's going on?" "All right,listen,do you know a stand-up named Lenny Gold?" "No." "The 90 seconds from Ricky and Ron on News 60,there's video on the internet of the guy doing it almost verbatim at The Laugh Factory almost a year ago." "It's like,open mic night or something." "I don't..." "We'll break into a tape delay,do News 60 live again." "We need to get this guy on the phone." "If he's anywhere near here,we're gonna invite him to come down and do it on camera himself." "The interns are already on the phones." "He should be easy to find,'cause they're probably not that many Lenny Golds in the L.A.area." "If we can't find him?" "I'll write another 90 seconds,but the first 30 are gonna be an explanation and an apology." "Sure." "We're also trying to get Legal on the phone." "And I think maybe we should wait for them." "We're not waiting for anything." "And when you get Legal,ask them what they think the settlement's going to be in the copyright infringement suit we're all going to be named defendants in." "What about the audience?" "What about them?" "There isn't gonna be one." "It's a 4:50 segment." "It's gonna be pretty dry." "I can laugh it." "We're not using the box." "All right." "Lily... here's what you do: find everybody who's not doing something,send them out on the street with $20 bills." "We only need to fill the center." "You,go start writing now." "Someone needs to tell Simon." "I'll do it." "You're gonna have to bring a couple of guys to tie him down first." "Go!" "I got to get on the phone to the broadcast center in New Jersey." "Our broadcast center's in New Jersey?" "It's confidence inspiring the president of the network doesn't know that." "I'm new." "Bayonne,New Jersey." "They send it up to a satellite which you keep in outer space." "Seven-second delay." "Yeah." "How does the math work,we add seven seconds?" "We subtract seven seconds." "We add it." "We subtract it." "The tape broadcast happens seven seconds later in the west than it did live in the east." "That's why you subtract seven seconds." "You don't add it?" "Oh,and this has me bathed in confidence." "We're fine." "I'm gonna go have a conversation with Ricky and Ronnie." "Think this is gonna work?" "Sure." "You've done it before?" "A hundred times." "Well,really,no,never." "But I can't think what the problem would be." "Sure,what could possibly go wrong?" "There you go." "We just heard." "We're going to talk to Matt." "We want you to know..." "What the hell happened?" "!" "Who was it,Ricky?" "I know it wasn't you two who handed that up." "It was the room." "And we take responsibility." "16 writers don't get together and collectively rip somebody off- who was it?" "I am not going to tell you." "Ricky..." "I am not going to tell you,Danny!" "You are gonna tell me 'cause I want someone's ass on my desk, and if I find out they did it on purpose to screw with Matt,I'm going to get a lot more than that." "They didn't do it on purpose,there's no way." "Who was it,Ron?" "I'm sorry,Danny,I'm not going to tell you." "We are taking full responsibility and will resign if you want." "Lily's collecting cash to go out and buy an audience." "See if you can help her." "Yeah." "Just give me a name." "Simon..." "A description." "It doesn't matter.It was my fault." "How are we doing this?" "After Meet the Press we'll have a 2:20 C break." "Then we'll come back punch in News 60 live." "There'll be an explanation and an apology at the top." "Then we'll go into our jokes." "All right." "All right." "We need to be able to prove it's live." "Maisy." "A sports score." "Yeah." "Have somebody stay on top of a game,any game." "Simon will give the current score." "It's going to be after midnight in the West,Matt,3:00 a.m.in the East- is anybody playing anything?" "Somewhere in the world there's a sporting event underway." "Have somebody stay on top of the score." "I bussed tables at Hamburger Hamlet till 11:00 then I worked six clubs a night for $10 a set and a free drink." "In my life I never stole a joke." "And you didn't tonight either." "I did." "Matt..." "I got to go to my office." "That was awful what happened before." "It took me by surprise,too." "I just opened the door and he kissed me." "Yeah,I was going to rush in to help when I saw you struggling to break free." "Can you stop walking?" "I'm kind of in the middle of something here." "You said..." "Date the Los Angeles Lakers,Harriet." "I don't care right now." "I understand." "If it's Sunday,its' Meet the Press with Juliette Lewis." "That's our floor manager,Nadine." "Hi,Nadine." "This morning my guests are Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld" "And the democratic junior high senator from New York,Hillary Rodham Clinton." "How could something like this happen?" "It doesn't,usually." "I hope you've noted that we've taken all the steps we can think of to correct it." "I've noted that." "Can you think of anything we're not doing?" "No." "Then note that,too." "Hey,I don't work for you." "I'll not what I want." "Note it." "I'm noting it." "But I don't see you..." "So how does something like this happen?" "Matt didn't start out in TV,so he has harder time writing with a group." "I told him last week I wanted him to start getting the other writers into the game." "Rick Tahoe and Ron Oswald are the co-execs in charge of the room." "They gave him this material and Matt did what I told him to do." "That seems reasonable." "Well,write down that it's reasonable." "How about if you write the piece and I just put my name on it?" "Are you allowed to do that?" "No." "So you were just mocking me then?" "Yeah." "Harry." "Yeah." "Sit down next to him and calm him down." "There's no point in doing this if he's going to eat the desk on camera." "And Harry..." "Sir." "Isn't Matt's psycho obsession with you problematic enough for us without you making out with baseball players in front of him?" "I was just as surprised as he..." "Harry..." "Go to the desk." "You know,where I grew up if this had happened,there'd be a town meeting and everybody'd be there, and the guy would have to sit and listen while Reverend Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character." "That's exactly what would happen where I grew up,except we would have driven by the guy's house and shot him with a gat-9." "See,there's more that unites us than divides us." "Right this way,everybody." "Oh,good." "Our audience is here." "Okay,we're two minutes out." "The guys in the red bandanas,are they Crips?" "No red bandanas mean they're Bloods." "Okay,are we insured for any of this?" "I don't know,but I wouldn't think so." "Suzanne,we got to move the woman in the fishnet top." "She's not wearing anything underneath." "Oh,dear God." "Looks like the grand opening of a head shop." "This isn't happening." "All right,tell them it's printing out downstairs." "They're just going to have hard copies at the desk." "There isn't time for cue cards." "Got it." "You got a game someplace?" "Cricket match in Bangalore." "Well... why not?" "Sim,you okay with those pages?" "Yes,Cal,I'm okay with the pages." "All right,here we go." "Just like we did it three hours ago." "Only,you know... legal." "From Los Angeles California..." "Okay,we're going live." "Five,four,three,two,one..." "I'm Simon Stiles." "And I'm Harriet Hayes." "We are live right now on the West Coast." "We have cut into the tape-delayed feed of the program that began its broadcast three hours and 43 minutes ago in the East." "At this moment in Bangalore,The Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology is playing the Bangalore Union Cricket Club in the LG ICC Test Match." "Bangalore is up 240 runs with one wicket lost in the first inning." "Good,good,good." "During the East Coast broadcast I performed jokes from this desk that as it turns out had been plagiarized." "It was material that was written by and has been performed by an obviously talented writer-comedian named Lenny Gold." "Our miake was inadvertent and deeply regrettable." "We hope he accepts our apology,and we hope that you continue to be viewers of our show." "So here now,the news." "Environmentalist Al Gore is being criticized for owning three homes..." "The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job." "We both talked to him and in no uncertain terms." "He screwed up huge and he knows it." "But I'm not gonna end his career over it." "'Cause I know how he feels." "And that's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room." "People aren't even going for funny anymore,Matt,they're just trying for your respect." "Anyway,we told Danny,we'll step down if you want,but we're not giving him up." "Well,now you've got my respect." "Matt." "Yeah." "It wasn't him." "What do you mean?" "We found Lenny Gold- the right Lenny Gold- and we asked him if he wanted to come over and do it on the air himself, and he said he can't,'cause he stole it,too." "What?" "What?" "He said the guy who wrote it,wrote it nine years ago and his name is Benjamin Barkley." "Does that name sound familiar?" "Benjamin Barkley?" "I'm Simon Stiles..." "And I'm Harriet Hayes... that's the news." "We're out." "Hang on,hang on." "We're going to bust in again after this C break." "Why?" "Just a second." "All right,that worked." "That was a nice piece of broadcasting." "That was great.That was smooth sailing." "Yeah." "We're going again!" "Why?" "We attributed the material to the wrong guy,but the problem is this will throw our time off a little, so we're going to have to paste and fill as we go now." "I'd get comfortable." "We're going again." "When the phone rings,it's going to be for me." "We're going to go from this to "Ricardo," so we'll have time to make the change for "Swamp Donkey." "" Somebody will tell us when the show's over,right?" "Places." "Looks like there's bench warrants out for half our audience." "No,they're good people." "They like to laugh." "Okay,here we are." "Cutting into the West Coast delay." "Everybody ready?" "Okay,we're going live." "In five,four,three,two,one..." "We're back." "And we're back live again on the West Coast." "I don't have a cricket update for you,so I'll ask you to take my word for it." "The reason why we're still live is we misattributed the plagiarized material we performed earlier to Lenny Gold." "It turns out that the actual author..." "Ms.McDeere. Yeah." "Jack Rudolph." "My boyfriend's calling me." "Hey,Jack." "What the hell is going on over there?" "!" "It's all under control." "Plus,if you had any money on the Bangalore Union cricket club then it's your lucky day." "And now we return you to our show which,if we've timed this right,should be an amusing 60 second cartoon." "If we haven't timed it right,it'll be a color focus pattern." "Out." "Yeah!" "All right." "It's ours." "We own it." "Benjamin Barkley" " Ben Barkley." "Benny." "He worked here..." "Before us." "Once season- '91.And that's when he wrote it." "Look at the stamp." "We own it." "And he wrote it when he was here,look at the stamp." "We own the copyright." "No." "Yep." "Just one more time." "Get me Cally." "Get Jordan a drink." "Send Jack Rudolph a nice thing of balloons." "Matt,anything in particular you want me to say to anyone who might still be left watching?" "20 back." ""This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began." "=The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents"