" Hey." " Oh, hey." "Can't believe you have Shrinky Dinks." "I used to love to make these." "You draw on the plastic, then you put it in the oven until it shrinks into a little..." "I don't know what you call it." "A dink, I guess." "Yeah, I used to love those things when I was a kid." "Oh, man, it says, "Ages three and up."" "I don't know if I can wait two and a half years to play with these." "So do 'em yourself." "It'll be fun." "I'll do 'em with you." "She's coming over, she's coming over." "We're Shrinky Dinking." "We're Shrinky Dinking!" " What the heck are you talking about?" " Sabrina." "We had this amazing conversation about Shrinky Dinks, and the whole time I'm thinking, "I've met my soul mate."" " Did you get any chicken?" " Wait." "She's coming over here?" "What about her boyfriend?" "Wyatt?" "I don't know." "He's away at college, still." "I don't really know what this means." "I just know she's coming over." " What's going on with Maw Maw?" " She thinks she's in labor." "Oh, my God!" "This baby's gonna rip a hole right through me!" "Guys!" "I'm trying to beat the record here." "If you're gonna talk loud, turn your faces away." "The wind is really messing me up." "Oh, my baby!" "Okay, you guys have to get out of here." "I don't want you to scare her away." "I'm not going anywhere, I like her." "She's sarcastic and funny." "She speaks her mind." "Doesn't she remind you of me?" "No." "Don't ever say that again." "You'll ruin it for me." "And if you don't want this to be the last time she ever comes over, you have to get rid of them." "You need to step way back." "This thing takes some weird bounces." "Fine." "Come on, did you really think I was gonna stand here and let you break my record?" "Thank you." "And I'll take Hope, too, but you need to take advantage of this and make a move on this girl." "Try and get her to sit next to you in the center of the couch, where it dips." "Ever since your fat aunt broke the springs, two people can't sit there without ending up in each ether's laps." "Good idea." "Give her some wine, get her in the couch dip and kiss her." "She has a boyfriend." "I don't know if..." "Jimmy, if you don't make a move soon, you're gonna get stuck in the friend zone." "And that is a real thing." "I saw it on Friends." "Ross and Rachel were stuck in it." "It made for some good episodes, but poor Ross was in hell." "Here we go, oh, oh, oh" "Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh" "Birth control, no, no, no" "Let it roll, oh, oh, oh" "Oh, oh" "Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh" "It says these are supposed to cook for three minutes, but this oven only goes up to 225, so we may be in for a bit of a wait." "That's okay." "Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it." "Who plays the piano?" "Pretty much anybody who's trying to get on someone else's nerves." "Is this you?" "Oh, you don't want to look through that." "That's just a bunch of boring family portraits." "Come on, I love family photos." "Wow, you are, like, shockingly strong." "How come your mom's the only one that looks happy in all these?" "Yeah, well, that's a little misleading." "Nobody's happy." "My parents would fight so much on picture day that it always turned into the worst day of the year." "Just shut up and put on your beret!" "No, I don't wanna look like a dork wearing this!" "If you don't wanna look like a dork, then you need to take off your face." "Say "cheese."" "And the more portraits that turned out bad, the more stressed my mother seemed to get." "If we get there late, they won't have time to change the backdrop from the family before us!" "You're killing me, Burt!" "Your mother's crazy." "If I ever get that crazy, I want you to take me out in the backyard and blow my head off with a shotgun." "You got that?" "I just don't understand why we're wearing ski suits." "We've never been skiing." "I saw a picture in a house I was cleaning where the whole family went skiing." "They were all smiling, they were on top of a mountain." "Looked like a lot of fun." "Of course it looked like a lot of fun, they were skiing." "They weren't sitting in a car with no air-conditioning on a 90-degree day wearing ski suits!" "Shut up." "Oh, I like this song." "I'm not in the mood for Do-Wacka-Do." "Well, I am." "Burt, I swear to God, if you don't turn that thing off..." " Burt, slow down." " Can't." "My boot's stuck." "What do you mean your boot's stuck?" "I mean, this stupid, giant boot you made me wear is stuck." "Can't get it out!" "We're all gonna die!" "You've had a good life, kid." "I could drive if you'd let me take off these stupid boots!" "Shut up!" "It's two blocks!" "Keep walking!" "All right, that's enough of that." "You gotta be tired from being on your feet all day." "We should sit down." "Sorry, sorry," "Hope threw her pacifier in that coin fountain at the mall." "Burt made a wish on it, so he wouldn't let us take it back out." "Hi!" " How are you?" " I'm good." " Did you do your Shrinky things?" " Yep, and we were just about to sit down." "Jimmy was just telling me about some of your family portraits." "Really?" "I hope he didn't say anything to make me look too crazy." "Eh." "Doesn't Hope need her pacifier?" "She can suck on Burt's knuckle for a while." "Come here, honey." "I wanna tell you about a couple of these." "I wanna make sure you see the kind of idiots I'm dealing with before you think I'm the crazy one." "Whoa!" "This is some couch." "Sure is." "What are you doing coming in there and using the dip before I get a chance?" "You're totally couch-blocking me." "Jimmy, you could end up marrying this girl." "I am not gonna let you paint me out to be the crazy mother-in-law." "You already made me a stinking grandmother at 39." "Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?" "Yes, he is." "He ate it." "Excuse me?" "Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch." "You look awful!" "Why didn't you just shave your head?" "Oh, God, no!" "He's got a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old..." "Florida." "Shaped like Florida." "Florida with balls." "Hey, how come your husband's not in this one?" "Oh, that's the year Burt went crazy." "Jimmy!" "You better be getting dressed!" "Burt, don't you stretch out that turtleneck." "It's too tight!" "I can't swallow." "My mouth keeps filling up with spit." " I want soup." " You're eating soup." "Jimmy!" "I'm here." "I'm ready." "I'm sorry." "Oh, no, not the hair pulling." "We are not having another family portrait where you look like you've just had brain surgery." "It's your fault for stressing him out." "Just calm down." "Just calm the hell down!" "I'm trying!" "Just calm down!" "Everybody check each other's teeth." "I don't wanna see any of that creamed spinach we had last night." "Stop it, Maw Maw." "This is not food." "This tag is digging into the back of my neck." "Do not pull that tag off." "These outfits cost a fortune." "And the second we're done here, they're going right back to Fashion Barn Outlet Outlet." "Damn it!" " Where's your eyebrow?" " I ate it." "I'm sorry." " I can't do this anymore." " Excuse me?" "I can't stand here and watch you torture everyone like this." "Get back here." "I'll pull it." "You pull that tag off, and we can't make our next credit card payment." "That means a finance charge." "You know how I feel about finance charges." "Let me walk out of here, and no one has to pay a finance charge." "Stay calm." "Fine!" "Go!" "We'll take it without you!" "It'll probably be the first good one we've ever had." "Son of a bitch!" "See?" "It's not me." "It's them." "They're the crazy ones." "Yeah, well, whoever's fault it is, it's only once a year on portrait day." "Every other day, we're just a normal family." "Sorry." "Maw Maw needs new pants." "Her water broke." "I feel its head!" "Virginia, you're gonna need to come back here." "I don't..." "I don't..." "I don't think I can do this alone." "Your family's amazing." "You actually like this?" "I love it!" "Oh, my God." "And your mother, she doesn't even realize that she's the craziest one of them all." "This is great." "I may never leave." "Why would you?" "What kind of cookies are these?" "Don't eat that." "Those are Shrinky Dinks." "See?" "I made ones that look like all of us." "And that's Sabrina." "Well, don't worry." "I'll try to keep the loony bin back there." "Oh, don't worry about it." "In fact, bring Maw Maw out." "We can let Sabrina cut the imaginary cord." "Turns out she's a big fan." "Big fan of what?" "How crazy we are, especially you." "So, thanks." "But I'm not crazy." "I already told her that." "Oh, that's what she loves, that you are, but you don't realize you are." "But I'm not." " Well, you kind of are." " I'm kind of not." "Okay, look, this is all great stuff." "Just save it for in there." "Oh, I'll save it for in there, all right." "She thinks I'm crazy?" "Let's see how much crazy she can handle." "Virginia!" "Help!" "She's pushing!" "Deal with it!" "So, I hear you think I'm crazy." "Yes, I said you were a little crazy, but in a good way." "You did tell her it was in a good way, right?" "He told me what you said." "Okay, maybe I should go before we all end up on Dateline." "No, you can't go." "You haven't seen all the family portraits yet." "She's seen plenty." "Let's do something else." "Checkers?" "Got regular, Chinese, the kind with the horses." "Here it is, the last picture." "You like crazy?" "You're gonna love this." "What's that?" "The portrait place is having a special on Sunday." "I thought we weren't doing portraits anymore." "Why?" "Because your father lost his mind?" "We have a new baby in the house, and we are getting our family portrait, with or without him." "Without." "Look, Jimmy, I waited too long to stand up to her about this portrait thing." "Look at you." "Even the thought of it turns you into a wreck." "Don't wait until Hope's eating her hair." "It's disgusting." "Be a better dad than me." "I'm going with a '50s theme this year." "You can slick your hair back." "Maybe that'll keep you from eating it like a mental patient." "Hey, Mom?" "Maybe we shouldn't do the picture?" "What?" "It's just..." "It kind of stresses you out, which kind of stresses me out, and, well, there's a reason why we don't have a picture with everyone smiling in it." " You told him to do this." " Yup." "The only reason I'm stressed out is because I'm the one who has to organize everything." "It's like wrangling feral cats." "I would be happy to sit back and let somebody else guide the ship, but it's been 24 years, and no one else seems to want to take the damn reins." "Fine." "I'll do it." " What?" " I'll take the reins of the cat ship." "If he's in charge, I'm back in." "Fine." "Hey, when you took over the portrait stuff, you forgot to tell me what our theme is gonna be." "We've only got three days, so you might want to nail that down." "No theme this year." "We're all just gonna wear whatever we're comfortable in." "Okeydoke." "Hey, I know you probably know this, but we've only got two days before the portrait, and I noticed that you haven't plucked Maw Maw's neck mole yet." "You have to do it early enough so the redness goes away, but late enough so it doesn't start to grow back." "It's a pretty small window of opportunity." "Yeah, that always stresses everyone out, with all the yelling and the holding her down and all." "You're the only one that ever really notices that hair, so I think I'm just gonna let her go au naturel this year." "Okeydoke." "Tomorrow's picture day." "You got a shower schedule?" "We've only got 12 minutes of warm water." "Yeah." "We're not gonna rush in the morning." "I didn't want everybody freaking out over being late, so I figured we'd just get over there when we got over there." "You know we get a dishwasher-safe portrait plate if we get there before 8:00 a.m." "Yeah, I know, but since it's kind of creepy seeing the whole family staring at you through a plate of spaghetti, I figured it didn't matter." "Okeydoke." "Next." "You know I said there wasn't going to be a theme, right?" "I know." "You told us to dress in something we were comfortable in." "This is comfortable." "Smile." "Thanks, Mom." "I know this is hard for you." "Next!" "Oh, my God." "Look at that mountain." "Okay, how would you guys like to pose?" " Oh, my God." " I think this looks good." "That's easy." "Let's do this." "Here we go." "One." "Two." "Stop!" "This is crazy." " This picture is going to be terrible." " Virginia." "Look at you people." "There's no theme." "How is anybody supposed to know we're a family?" "We look like a bunch of idiots who just met each other at a thrift store." "We're not even posing." "I mean, come on." "Pick something." "Arm in arm." "Shoulder train." "Conga line." "Rappers." "Anything." "Damn it, at the very least, we should be all facing away from the camera and look over our shoulders." "Mom, settle down." "It's okay." "It is not okay, Jimmy!" "It is not okay!" "Because the picture isn't perfect." "And if the picture isn't perfect, there isn't any reason to take it." "Oh, for God's sake." "Am I the only one who sees that giant tree branch of a hair growing out of the side of Maw Maw's neck?" "Hey." "You okay?" "No." "Jimmy's paying." "Then we can get out of here." "I think that one picture the guy took could be all right." "Not the worst one we've ever had." "Why does the picture have to be perfect?" "'Cause everyone else's is." " Who?" " Everyone." "Honey, you don't understand." "You clean people's pools, you cut their grass." "You're outside." "I'm cleaning the inside." "And every house I clean has these perfect family portraits." "Everyone's happy and smiling." "I just wanted one perfect portrait so I could fool people into thinking we have whatever all those other families have." "But we don't." " Every house has a good picture?" " Yes." "What other nice stuff they got in there?" "You don't wanna know." "This one is dedicated to Joey and the Woodlands." "I hear tell you're doin' well" "Good thing have come to you" "I wish I had your happiness" "And you had a do-wacka-do" "Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do" "I wish I had your good luck charm" "And you had a do-wacka do-wacka, do-wacka do-wacka, do-wacka-do" "Yeah, you're going down the street in your big Cadillac" "You got girls in the front You got girls in the back" "Yeah, way in the back got money in a sack" "Both hands on the wheel and your shoulders right back" "Root, doo, doo, doo doo, doo, doo" "I hear tell you're doing well" "Good things have come to you" "I wish I had your happiness" "And you had a do-wacka" "Do-wacka, do-wacka do-wacka, do-wacka-do" "Do-wacka, do-wacka..." "How about that?" "I like it." "Sure you do." "It's another crazy thing to make fun of our family about." "You wanna go in the other room and have a look at my grandmother's inverted nipples?" "How about our bank statement?" "That's a hoot." "I think it's a great picture." "I mean, my family has all those portraits that you were talking about, and, you know, we're all smiling, but somebody told us when to smile, so those smiles are fake." "All these smiles are real." "You captured a moment of actual family joy, and that's kind of rare." "I think you finally got your picture." "I like her, Jimmy." "Smart, insightful." "I told you we had a lot in common." "You're staying for dinner." "We've having TV dinners!" "If you're a vegetarian," "I'm pretty sure you can talk Burt into trading you his vegetable section for your Salisbury steak section." "She hit ignore." " What?" " She hit ignore." "Her boyfriend just called, and she hit ignore." "What does that mean?" "My phone doesn't have an ignore." "When I ignore someone, I just ignore them." "I don't know." "I don't have ignore, either." "But this is good, right?" " Go kiss her." " What?" "Go kiss her." "Now." "It's time." "I'm telling you." "You need to do it before it's too late." "Go!" "Two pounds, three ounces." "The mother is resting comfortably." "Thanks for having me over." "This was really fun." "I gotta admit, I was a little nervous about you learning so much about my family." " I thought it might scare you off." " Oh, no way." "No, just the opposite." "However, if you meet a girl that you want to date, you know, like, not just a friend, you might wanna hold off on showing her the family photo album for a couple months." " Yeah, that might be a good idea." " Yeah." "Waited too long, just like Ross." "She's..." "Maybe I did wait too long." "But I did learn one thing today." "Sabrina likes me." "Right now it might just be as a friend, but who knows?" "She was enjoying hanging out with me enough to ignore a call from her boyfriend." "Maybe one day she'll be willing to ignore him altogether." "Yep, I thought that was a little too easy." "All right." "English" " US" " SDH"