"_" "This country wasn't built by robots, people." "It was built by human beings that had hearts and brains and penises and vaginas." "But now we've got these robots that are stealing our factory jobs, and we are not gonna stand for it." "Shut them down!" "Shut them down." "That's right." "Tomorrow, we're gonna go protest at the funeral of one of these robot sympathizers, and then, in the afternoon, we're gonna go protest outside an Apple store." " Shut them down!" " Shut them down!" "Now, people, let's settle down just a minute, 'cause this is a very special day." "We have a newcomer to our Pro-Flesh Movement right here." "Where are you from, son?" "Oh, um..." "San Diego." "Ew." "San Diego." "Awful lot of bots there, right?" " Were you born and raised there?" " Actually, no." "I was manufactured in Indonesia." "Did you say "manufactured"?" "[ Indistinct talking ] Born." "Like the-- like the rest of you, through a-- a human uterus." "I was" " I was born." "Brethren, I think we have a circuit-filled sinner right here among us." "Shut him down." "Keep me on." "[ People gasp ]" "[ Robot voice ] It's times like these I wish I remained a TiVo." "Diego!" "♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "Kove:" "Robot SAM's cover was blown, and now he's been kidnapped by a group of Texan robo-haters." "Alphonse:" "In hindsight, probably not the best idea to send our lone robot in to infiltrate an anti-robot hate group." "Sam:" "We've got to move fast." "SAM's battery only lasts about 48 hours in the field." "After that, he goes into a robo-coma, a condition also known as "off."" "Kove:" "We need to get into Texas undetected and rescue SAM." "We could pretend to be a movie crew scouting locations across the border." "Trent:" "A film crew?" "[ Scoffs ] No." "Film's a dead medium." " I saw a movie about it." "Kove:" " Trent's right." "Nobody cares about the movies." "No." "We are going to pose as a viral-video crew." "Alphonse:" "Kove, we're gonna need an expert." "Kove:" "Nonsense." "I have my own YouTube channel, and I've received a number of hits, and this is how we're going to rescue SAM." "Looks like NTSF is about to go... viral." "Trent:" "Wait a second." "Did you steal my glasses?" "I'd leave them out in good faith that no one will take them, 'cause I don't have an inside pocket." " Damn." "Sam:" " She stole your thing." "Alphonse:" "Let's check out Kove's YouTube page." "Kove:" "Hey, this is Kove, unboxing the new Kamchung Gravity 5C smartphone." "[ Sighs ]" "Uh... just a minute." "Alphonse:" "Kove has no idea how to make a video." "Yeahimcaleb95-- the #1 video channel on the internet." "[ High-pitched voice ] Hi, everyone!" "It's me" " Yeahimcaleb95!" "My mom's taking me to the zoo today!" "Aaaah!" "I love elephants!" "[ Screeching ]" "Oh, my God!" "Monkeys!" "Tigers!" "Alphonse:" "He's good." "He's real good." "And he's just the man we need for the job." "It's quite the setup you have here." "I was under the impression that most people made viral videos in their homes." "[ Normal voice ] Common misconception." "It all takes place here in San Diego, viral capital of the world, and I'm its spiritual leader." "I try to make sure every video we produce is smart, challenging and artful." "The last thing we want to do is talk down to our viewers." "And action." "[ Grunts ] Ow!" "I broke my hand!" "[ Farts ] And I farted." "Perfect." "Cut. [ Bell rings ]" "Alphonse:" "Beautiful." "Now, I know you're not just here to give me in-person likes." "What are you really after?" "Alphonse:" "I need your help making a viral video, and if I don't get it, a good friend of San Diego is gonna die." "I'll do anything for San Diego." "The question is, will you?" "[ Farts ]" "Oh!" "And I farted again." "Prosumer grade shotgun mic-- check." "HD-capable off-brand web camera-- check." "Gentlemen, let's lock and load." "Kove:" "All right, everyone." "I ran the numbers, and we cannot afford to shoot in Texas." "Per diem alone would kill us." "So we're keeping the production right here in San Diego." "Sam:" "Wait." "The whole purpose of this entire mission was to go into Texas and rescue SAM, and we're running out of time." "His battery level's at exactly 50%." "Kove:" "Sam, let's not get caught up in specifics." "The most important thing right now is to create a timeless, lasting, unique viral video, and drive whole new audience to my YouTube channel." "So, uh, where do you put the bullets in this thing?" "Alphonse: 400,000 hits easily." "I'm ready." "Upload me." "Ready?" "[ Chuckles ]" "Young Alphonse here thinks that he's ready to upload a viral video." "Come." "I have much to teach you." "Close your eyes." "Feel the internet course through your body." "Broaden your band." "Alphonse: [ Grunts ]" "Now... answer this." "What are the five elements all viral videos must tap into?" "Alphonse:" "Uh, cute animals, uh, uh, parody, um-- oh, come on." "I know this." "Damn it!" "I can't do it!" "Hot girls and/or celebrities without makeup." "You have to focus, Alphonse." "You don't believe in yourself." "That is why you #Fail." "Now, get back on that tiny, little block." " Stop." " How does that feel?" "[ Groans ]" "You disgust me." "Why do you hate robots?" "We provide so much to the world-- strong assembly-line labor, dubstep, the acting of Tobey Maguire." "I'll tell you why." "One of you i-bastards killed the love of my life." "She was out shopping for my birthday present, and then it appeared" "sunlight glistening off its metal skin, bloodlust coursing through its mechanical brain." "That break-dancing robot bastard murdered my wife." "Break dancer?" "Right in the middle of a shopping center." "Gary, that was no robot." "Was he wearing a silver bowler hat?" " Did he whistle when he moved?" " Yes." "Robots don't have lips, Gary." "Only humans can whistle." "What you described is a human dressed in robotface." " No!" " [ Groans ]" "Lies!" "Lies and robot propaganda." "My wife was slain by robot hands!" "Shut him down!" "Kove:" "Somebody get me a baby on a trampoline, and if that kid isn't cute as hell, then we can kiss SAM goodbye." "Sam:" "We lost all the footage of the dancing prisoners." "Amnesty International confiscated it because of the whole torture thing." "And SAM's battery's down to 16%." "Trent:" "These kittens are dead." "Kove:" "Did you poke holes in the box?" "Trent:" "Yeah, I think that's what did it." "Kove: [ Gasps ]" "Pull it together, people!" "Or SAM's death will be on each and every one of your hands!" "You're not ready to upload a viral until you go through the tunnel of haters." "Alphonse:" "Haters gonna hate." "I can handle it." "Mm-hmm." "[ Laughter ]" "Epic fail." "Lame." "Lamezors." "[ Indistinct talking ]" "Epic fail." "[ Indistinct talking ]" "Lame." "Lame." "I want two minutes and 10 seconds of my life back." "Die." "Stupid." "Alphonse:" "You don't know me!" "You should die." "[ Indistinct talking ]" "[ Laughter ]" "Click on my link if you want to see something really funny." " [ Gasps ]" " Fake." "Alphonse:" "Aah!" " [ Gasps ] So mean." " Drink this." "Alphonse:" "Wow." "That's the longest anyone's ever lasted." "Young Alphonse, you are finally ready to upload a viral video." "Trent: [ Gruff voice ] I'm not a crook." "I'm Richard Nixon." "Kove: [ Groans ] Damn it, Trent." "Those were surface-level impressions at best." "Trent:" "It's not really in my wheelhouse." "I only know three celebrities" "Richard Nixon, Bill O'Reilly, and Lou Diamond Phillips, so" "Sam:" "Guys, we're running out of time." "SAM's battery is down to what we call "Milk percentages."" "Kove: [ Scoffs ]" "Am I the only person here who knows how to make a viral video?" "!" "Alphonse:" "You do not believe in yourself." "That's why you #Fail." "Looks like you guys could use a little viral magic." "Say hello to Jasmine, San Diego's cutest dog." "Kove:" "Like and subscribe." "Let's make a viral video." "Okay, my child." "Open your wings and soar." "[ Both laugh ]" "You've opened my eyes, robot." "I know now that your kind didn't kill my wife." "But you killed the lie that I was living." "We are not so different." "Yes, blood runs through your veins, and data through my wires, but we both" "[ Power's down ]" "SAM." "No!" "Kove:" "The video had 500 million views in the past two hours and featured on the front page of Reddit." "I've never felt so alive." "Trent:" "We did it." "We saved Daisy." " I'm right here." "Trent:" " We didn't save you?" "What the hell did we do this stupid thing for?" "Sam:" " To save SAM." "Trent:" " Ah, yeah." "Whatever." "Let's get lunch." "Kove:" "Thanks, Alphonse." "You saved the day." "Alphonse:" "All I did was bring out what was already inside of you." "We all have great viral videos in us just waiting to come out." "A good friend taught me that." "You've done well, Young Alphonse." "Alphonse:" "Hey, Caleb, you hungry?" "Yeah, I'm starving." "_" "It was a tumultuous time, and robot-human relations were at an all-time low." "And as far as I'm concerned, the men and women of NTSF are heroes for what they did." "Oh, and I'm an historian." "_"