"[Knocking on door]" "Rudolph Nureyev, uh, Rudolph Nureyev?" "Fifteen seconds, Mr. Nureyev?" "Uh-huh, I knew he was too smart to show up." "[Drumroll]" "It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Rudolph Nureyev." "[Applause and whistles]" "# Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light" "# Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight" "# Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right" "# Lt's time to get things started [both] # Da-da-da-da-da-da-da" "# Lt's time to get things started" "# On the most sensational, Lnspirational" "# Celebrational, Muppetational" "# This is what we call The Muppet Show!" "# [high-pitched squeaking]" "[Applause]" "Boy, Sam really has this place looking good for Rudolph Nureyev." "Yeah, I don't mind that so much, but me and Robin are mad we have to wear these formal clothes." " You and Robin?" "Where's Robin?" " Oh, right here." "It's the only hat I could find." "Atten-hut!" " Beg pardon?" " Line up for inspection." " Inspection?" " We must look proper for Mr. Nureyev." "At last, to have a man of dignity, a man of culture on this weird, sick program." " Did you wash your flippers?" " [Stammering] Yes, sir." " Let's have a look." " [Grunting]" "Will you please get off the floor?" "Will you comb your hair and polish those shoes?" "Ah, yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "And one more thing, your hat's too big." "Sam, can I introduce the show?" "Of course, yes, but just do it with dignity." " Uh, yes, yes." " [Sighs]" "Oh!" "To have the brilliant, talented Rudolph Nureyev on our show!" "He's my favorite opera singer." "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" "Hi there and welcome to The Muppet Show!" "You call that dignity?" " Uh, I'm sorry, Sam." " [Scoffs]" "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor..." " Good." "...to welcome you to The Muppet Show." "Uh, tonight's guest star is one of the world's great masters of the ballet," "Mr. Rudolph Nureyev." "[Stammers] Wait." "Are you sure it's ballet, not opera?" "Positive." "Six of one, half dozen of the other." "Culture is culture." "Go ahead." "[Clears throat] Uh..." "But here to get things started is Dr. Teeth and the Electric..." "Not Dr. Teeth!" "Sam, I know I promised you a very cultural show, but don't worry." "They're playing a minuet, and they have promised to be very classy." "May I have that in writing?" "Just get off." "[# Minuet in G Major]" "Hey." "Hey, what's this bummer called again?" " Minuet in G Major." " Huh." "They ought to send it back to the minors." "If I knew we were gonna do this," "I'd have just stayed home and sent in my suit." " [Animal groans] - [Floyd] Animal's not gonna make it." " He's gonna freak." " [Animal groaning louder]" " If he goes, I go with him." " [Shouting]" "[Dr. Teeth] It's a breakout!" "[Loud rock version of the minuet]" "[Audience applauds and whistles]" "You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music." "Yeah?" "What's that got to do with what we just heard?" "Nothing, just thought I'd mention it." "[Animal chattering indistinctly]" "Not very cultural, guys." "Not very cultural." "That was degrading!" "That was awful." " Mr. Nureyev must be shocked!" " Well, I doubt it." "Well, of course he is." "He is sensitive, he is creative, he is artistic." " He is not here." " What?" "No, no, it's OK." "He phoned in, he's running a little bit late." "Oh!" "Thank goodness." "Now, remember, when Mr. Nureyev arrives, we must be dignified, we must be respectful." "Hi, you guys." " Ah!" " I'm here." "Not for long, you are not." "We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev." " Hey..." " I'll handle this." "Get out of here, you freak." "You hippie!" "You weirdo, get out!" "Move, move!" "Get a haircut!" "Who do these punk kids think they are?" "That one thinks he's Rudolph Nureyev." " What?" " [Stammers] That was Rudolph Nureyev." "What have I done?" "[gasps]" "I think I'll go out and introduce something cultural." "[Groans]" "Uh, uh, now in keeping with our tone of culture and classicism, and to kill time while we see if we still have a guest star, we proudly present the love duet from the third act of The Barber of Die Fliedremaus." "Uh, by Giusseppe Vagner or Giusseppe Wagner." "Um... whatever." "[# Duet from Don Giovanni]" "[Singing in Italian]" "[Singing in Italian]" "You." "[Crashing]" " [Magnet humming] - [Both screaming]" "I hope Mr. Nureyev didn't see that." "[Crashing]" "You know, there's nothing like grand opera." "Yep, and that was nothing like it!" "Mr. Nureyev, will you ever forgive me?" "Uh, he forgives you, Sam." " What?" " I just talked to him." "He isn't angry, he's putting on his costume for his big ballet number." "Oh!" "Bless you, frog." "Oh, thank you for these glad tidings." "And what ballet, may I ask, is the incomparable Mr. Nureyev going to perform?" "Uh, Swine Lake." "Culture, yes, culture." "Dignity at last." "Uh..." "Swine Lake?" "!" "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, in the classic ballet Swine Lake, a beautiful princess has been turned into a pig by the wicked magician, Trichinosis." "Uh, unfortunately, the handsome prince, there's a handsome prince, too, the handsome prince hasn't heard about the change." "Here, then, the very princely, Mr. Rudolph Nureyev." "[Applause]" "[# Swan Lake]" " [Music ends] - [Audience applauds]" "[Up-tempo music plays]" "# L've got two wheels on my tricycle and four toes on each foot" "# L've got six days in my week and up with this L will not put" "# L'm a bath without a plug and L'm a handle with no jug" "# L'm a kiss without a hug unless you're near me" "# L've got three strings on my violin and L'm an only twin" "# Something's missing something's missing, something's... # ... ing" "# Now, my cat has only got eight lives he chases two blind mice" "# On my birthday when L get three cheers they only cheer me twice" "# L'm an oil well with no oil and L'm a plant that has no soil" "# L'm a kettle that won't boil unless you're near me" "# Two and two make three when L add" "# You're an orphan, says my dad" "# Something's missing something's missing, something's... # ... ing" "# But whenever you come close to me my life is all complete" "# For no longer do L have four toes no longer two left feet" "# L'm a playground full of swings and L'm an eagle with his wings" "# L'm a nightingale that sings because you're near me" "# Now, my love, L beg you stay" "# 'Cause when you stay then L can say [both] # Nothing's missing Nothing's missing" "# Nothing's miss... # ... ing #" "[man] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital." "On this special episode, our quack who has gone to the dogs will pay tribute to William Shakespeare." "Prithee, nurse, who beith our next patient?" "Why, this little piglet, sire." "Not piglet, Hamlet." "Remember, we're doing Shakespeare." "Hmm, sounds more like bacon." "Say, this patient needs a transfusion." "What's his blood type?" "Well, I think it's Two-B, but I'm not sure." "Well, make up your mind, Two-B or not Two-B." "Gadzooks, they have no shame." "Say, I'm listening to this patient's heart." " Zounds." " Zounds what?" "Zounds terrible." "That frog wanted Shakespeare, he's getting Shakespeare." "But you're a doctor, first." "Right, doctor first, Richard the second, Henry the fourth." "[Moans]" " Methinks we should take our leave." " Why?" "Look at the time." "Man, the timing of the shrew." " Are you calling me a shrew?" " If the shrew fits... [man] So we leave Veterinarian's Hospital-on-Avon." "Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say," "Alas, poor pork, I knew thee well." "Now that really offended me." "I'm a student of Shakespeare." "[Scoffs] You were a student with Shakespeare." " [Clears throat] Kermie?" " Uh, yes, Miss Piggy." " May I speak with you about our duet?" " What?" "Is something wrong with it?" "Wrong?" "Why it's wonderful!" "Oh, at last, a mature and passionate love duet between me and my Kermie." " Ah, well, you're not doing it with me." " What?" "No, you're gonna do it with Rudolph Nureyev." "[Crashing]" "Coming Rudy!" "My Uncle Kermit can't make the next introduction, he's trying to get the spiked heel marks off his throat." "So, I guess I'll fill in." "Here, once again, the multi-talented Rudolph Nureyev." "Uh, yeah, I know." "The hat's still too big." "Holy maracas!" "Uh, mm-hmm, hello." "Uh, don't you, uh, talk to strangers?" "Depends on how strange the stranger is." "[Laughing] Oh, what a wonderful sense of humor you have." "And you have a marvelous mind." "And the other parts ain't bad, either." "Just think of it." "Last week I've been dancing with Natalia Makarova." "And today, I'm in a steam room with a lady pig." "Oh, yes." "And isn't it heaven?" "I don't think heaven is this warm." "It's more like the other place." "Uh, well, if you're warm, maybe you're overdressed?" " No, I'm fine." " Maybe I'm overdressed." " That's it, I'm leaving." " Oh, no, sweetie, you just got here." "Please?" "You don't understand." "[# Baby, it's Cold Outside]" " [Song ends] - [Chattering indistinctly]" " Oh, please." " [Crashing]" "Boy, he's really good, that Rudolph Nurey uh, Nureyey..." "I should really learn to pronounce his name." "Oh, don't bother now." "After this show, he'll probably change it." "[# Claire de Lune]" "[Whispering] You forgot your candelabra." "I'll go get it, you keep playing." "Sounds terrific." "[Fozzie] Got a match?" "A match." "A match for the candle..." "OK." "Lighter, lighter!" "Gonzo... [lighter clicking]" "It doesn't work." "It doesn't..." "Uh, Rowlf, I think it's all taken care of." "You're gonna have a beautiful candle to play with." "[Torch hissing]" "Fabulous." "Give it time." "Uh, sorry about that." "Gonzo!" "Rudolph, I want to tell you how delighted we are to have you on our show tonight." " I'm having a great time." " Oh, good." "I'm afraid your friend, the eagle, isn't too pleased." " That's Sam." "Don't worry about him." " [Knocking on door]" "Mr. Nureyev, may I have your attention?" "Yes." "Well maybe I'm not too sure." "Oh, I just want to apologize for the disgusting things the frog has forced you to do on this show." " Uh, the frog did not force him." " Humph." "The frog didn't force me." " What?" " No." "I wanted to do them." " And it was fun." " [Gasps]" "I can't believe I am speaking to the real Rudolph Nureyev." "Does that mean you're going to throw me out again?" " [Stammers] No, of course not." " Good." "There's one more number I'd like to do." "A-ha!" "I should have known." "The first two for the low-brow element, but for your finale, a brilliant interpretation of classic ballet." "Exactly." "Is that a ballet costume?" "Trust me, Sam." "You see... [up-tempo music plays]" "[# Top Hat White Tie and Tails]" "[Gunshot effect]" "[Gunshot effect]" "[Machine gun effect]" "[Song ends]" "OK, so once again we come now to the end of another show." "So let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the incomparable Rudolf Nureyev!" "Yay!" "[Applause and cheering]" "This has been a very different experience for me." "Mr. Nureyev, I just want you to know that I am sorry." " You are sorry you threw me out?" " No, I'm sorry I ever let you back in." "This has been shocking." "Ah, cool it, baldy." "OK, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!" "[Indistinct shouting]" " Now, wasn't that a cultural show?" " [Snoring]"