"# In some secluded rendezvous" "# That overlooks the avenue" " Clamp." " Clamp." "# With someone sharing a delightful chat" "# Of this and that" "# And cocktails for two" " Hawkeye, shut up, will you?" " Yeah, shut up." "Thank you, music-lovers." " Rib-cutter." " Rib-cutter." " How's it going?" " We're ahead on points." " Spinal suture." " Suture." "Well, the Lord helps in one way or another." "That's catgut." "It was infected." "I assumed you didn't want silk." " Lieutenant, you're not here to assume." " Settle down, Frank." " Forget it." "Carry on." " Yes, sir." "I'm..." "I'm working." "Working?" "You could be arrested for loitering in front of an operating table." " Did you hear that, Colonel?" " Pipe down, Pierce." "Hello, you beautiful day." "Sometimes you gotta throw back some of the young ones." "How about a rub there?" " You boys look tired." " Here's our gallant leader." " Henry was terrific in there." " Wasn't he good in there today?" "Well, I must tell you guys that was fancy cutting in there." "Thank you, Henry." "Colonel!" "Yes, Frank?" "I'm filing insubordination charges against Lieutenant Ginger Bayliss." " On account of a suture?" " You're kidding, Doctor." "And I use the term because it always gets a laugh." " Sir?" " Not now, Radar." "You push around the medical staff, you see what happens." " Are you threatening a superior?" " Hold it!" " Frank, I'll be in my office in an hour." " Thank you, sir." " Sir?" " I'll talk Frank out of it, but you lay off him." " He's a good surgeon and we need him." " Sir." "Pierce, one day he's gonna throw the book at you." " Sir, a message from General Hammond." " Radar, don't interrupt," " unless it's from General Hammond." " Yes, sir." " Are we surrendering?" " Hey, listen to this." ""The 4077th has now achieved a 90 per cent efficiency rating, the best record of any medical unit in Korea."" ""Congratulations." "General Hammond." How do you like them apples?" " You have a hit." " There'll be dancing in the street." "A record unmatched by any other medical unit in Korea." "And, in recognition of this splendid achievement, it is now my personal pride to award to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake the Special Citation of Merit, 4th Class." "May I have the envelope, please?" "Look at Henry." "He looks like he's gonna have a baby." "Thank you, General." "Thank you." "Well, this comes as a complete surprise to me." "I don't know what to say." "I haven't prepared an acceptance speech." "No man wins an award like this on his own." "You people, you great doctors and..." "you swell gals, who made this possible, are just too numerous to mention, but I'm mighty grateful to all of you." "Right down to my right-hand, Corporal Radar O'Reilly, who incidentally is in command of this unit and just uses me as a front." "Standing here today, proud as Punch," "I think back to the time when I first considered a career in medicine, back in Bloomington, Illinois." "Our family doctor, a nice old codger who drove a touring car with isinglass curtains, he said to me..." " Excuse me, Colonel." "..."Excuse me, Colonel."" " I have one more announcement." " I'm sorry." "There's a service charge on the award." "Colonel Blake's experience is needed elsewhere for administrative and training duties." "Now, he is being assigned to Tokyo medical headquarters, effective immediately." "Well, fine." "I'll keep in touch with you on that." "I know you have to go right over to OR." " Henry, bon voyage." " Thank you." "Normally I'd soak this in a pail of water." "But, this being my last day..." "Actually, it's a prescription for your health." " Have it filled in Tokyo." " Yeah, I'll do that." "We're going to miss you, chief." "Your fighting spirit, your little moods." " Your cheerful smile." " Your loyalty." " Oh, fiddle-faddle." " Your gift for language." "Yeah, well..." "The... truth of the matter is that..." "I'll miss you delinquents too." "You're the two finest cutters I've ever been associated with." "Well, Henry, I guess this is it." "Yeah." " I don't know what to say." " Try "Thanks for the memory."" "Colonel..." "Allow me, Major." "Don't want to hurt those magic fingers." "Army Manual, Thoughts Before the Battle, 1001 Jokes for the Officers'Mess." " Everything but Clausewitz on Hernias." " Give me back my books." "Your books?" "Hey, where's he goin'?" " He's taking his things into your house." " Well, that's Frank's quarters now." " Frank's quarters..." "Him?" " He's our new boss?" "Well, he's next in command, you see." "Almost forgot your equipment, sir." " Thank you, Radar." "Is that it?" " Yes, sir." "Well, I'll be movin' along then." "Look, I know you guys are gonna be very happy." "You're all surgeons and this is gonna work out fine." "Why don't you just go over and make Frank feel at home?" "Sir, it's been a privilege serving under you." "I hope we see each other real soon." "Yes, Radar." "Well, I..." "I was..." "Crazy monkey." "Move out, soldier." "Let's get outta here." "Sir, here's the three copies of the mess requisition forms that you wanted, and also six copies of the supply room application forms." " Put them on the desk, Corporal." " Yes, sir." " Good night, sir." " O'Reilly." "Where are you going?" "We have work to do." "Sir, it's 2am." "You're not going to bed until this office is 100 per cent shipshape." "Aye aye, sir." "O'Reilly, all the goldbricking that went on here under Colonel Blake is going to stop under my command." "Life is going to be a different kettle of fish." " Are you in the right branch of the service?" " Don't be snotty." "Bring me the..." " Fitness reports." " Not those." "You can't anticipate me." "I'm not Henry Blake." " I'm sorry, sir." " I want..." " The efficiency reports." "...the efficiency reports." "Here's tomorrow's routine." "See that it's posted." " They're not gonna like this." " I didn't come here to be liked." "You certainly came to the right place." "I could swear I heard a bugle." "It is a bugle." "Hey." "I think we're in the army." "Reveille has blown, sirs!" "All right." "Let's look ali..." "Hawkeye." "Hawkeye, it's an emergency." "Major Burns is making a surprise inspection." " An inspection?" " What's "inspection"?" "That, gentlemen, is somethin' they do in the army." " What's that got to do with us?" " He's coming, with an aide and an MP." "We're ready." "If he wants to inspect a garbage dump, that's up to him." "Ten hut!" "Morning, gentlemen." "At ease." "The condition of this tent is a disgrace." "Yeah, well, it does have that lived-in look." "Actually, it's modelled on the Chicago sewer system." "We saw it in a magazine." "Look at all of you." "Unshaven, out of uniform." "Yes, but with a song in our hearts." "Sergeant, put these men on report." "Beds unmade, personal effects in disorder, furnishings in non-regulation condition." "Hear, hear!" "While I'm in command, you will not operate a distillery here." " Sergeant, get that still outta here." " Hold it!" "Nobody takes our gin machine." " Take it out of here!" "That's an order!" " Watch it, buddy." "This thing could go off." "He's got the drop on us, Tex." "We can't do a thing." "Now maybe you'll realise who's running this outfit." "You straighten up and fly right, or I promise you, there'll be hell to pay." " He actually took our still." " He's not a nice person." "Gentlemen, that man has got to go." "It's either him or us." "And that's final." " How we gonna do it?" "Shoot him?" " Stab him." " Poison him." " No, no, we gotta think this over." "We have to give it careful, considered, intelligent thought." "Then we'll shoot him, stab him or poison him." "We just have to figure out a plan for the destruction of one of our colleagues." "Major Frank Burns, US Army, surgeon and rat." "Any ideas?" "We could forge the general's signature on some orders and send him back to the States." " That's no good." "They'd send him back here." " It'd work for a while." "Hey, Hawk, how do you feel about arsenic?" "Let's try to avoid the obvious clichés." "I think we need something really basic." "Push him in front of a chopper with the blades going." " That's basic enough." " We haven't had a good decapitation in ages." "It's crude, very crude, but I like it." "It's interesting." "Let's table the beheading for the time being." "What else you got?" " Hey, look." " What?" "Tell him he's got a hot appendix, get him on the table," "I'll give him anaesthesia, and that's it." " That's it?" " You're not very creative, Ugly John." " Never claimed to be." " I have a question." " After we get rid of Major Burns, then what?" " Hey, that's an important point." "They could send out a surgeon who's even more gung ho than Frank." "Might not even be a surgeon." "Could be a dermatologist with pull in the War Department." " So what's the answer?" " I don't know." "What is the answer?" " You know what the answer is?" "Henry." " Henry?" " When were all of us really happy here?" " When the nurses were new?" "We were happy when Henry was in command." "We understood each other." " Sure." "He was one of us." " You'd insult a man behind his back?" "We had a mature, grown-up relationship." "We had him by the throat." "So why would Henry let himself be transferred back here?" " Ego." " Ego?" "Ego." "The basic desire we all have to be needed." "Look, I got an idea, but I'll need a couple of passes to Tokyo." "OK, let's see what we got." " Hardship leave, sister pregnant..." " You don't see many of those any more." "...transfer to Germany..." " You got a bacon, lettuce and tomato on rye?" "Very funny." "Two passes to Tokyo." "Should've looked under T in the first place." "Gentlemen, with these I promise you peace in our time." "Fantastic." "Cho-Cho, you are one of the great soap artists." "Thank you, Colonel-san." "You people really have some fun-type customs." "Mind if we swim through?" " I thought you'd drowned." " Just resting on the bottom." "That's what we're all doing - resting on the bottom." " There's that sense of humour again." " Henry, we've really missed it." "Yeah." "How are things going back at the ranch?" " Well, kinda slow right now." " That's why we forged a couple of passes." "You know, Frank's signature is almost as easy to copy as yours." "You certainly seem to be suffering here, Henry." "But I give my three lectures a week, and then my time is my own." "I don't exactly sit around my room playing the kazoo." "Pleasures of the flesh, Henry." "After all, you deserve this." "You built a great surgical unit." "No matter what Frank Burns is doing to it." "Who cares if morale is down to zero and everybody's beginning to hate each other?" "Who cares about the 90 per cent efficiency rating?" "Now down to 32." "Well, that's war." "Oh, by George, that feels good." "I tell you, this little lady's got golden feet." "Honey, hit that scapula real hard." "I've got some calcium deposits back there." " Will you stop groaning and listen?" " I have been listening." "You still don't make sense." "I'm not going back to that rathole." "What about the people you left back in that rathole?" "Your friends, the people who love you." "Come on, man." "All the time I was there, I slept with a loaded gun under my pillow." "I'd have been safer in North Korea." "Henry, have you given one single thought to Leslie?" "Honey, take it easy on the pelvic girdle." "I've only got one of those, you know." "Since you're gone, Leslie is a basket case." "OK." "She'll get over it." "I'll tell you what I'll do." "I'll send her an obi coat or a hand-painted fan." "Henry, are you trying to buy your way out of that relationship?" "OK, I'll send her a Dear Jane letter, all right?" "But I stay here." "# If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake" "# Baked a cake, baked a cake" "# If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake" "# How d'you do, how d'you do, how d'you do?" "# Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band..." "Mama-san, these kids have real talent." "They're terrific." "How about another blast of that saki?" "# Now, I don't know where you came from" "# Cos I don't know where you've been" "# But it really doesn't matter, grab a chair and fill your platter" "# And dig, dig, dig right in" " Henry, how can we change your mind?" " You can't." "We came here to have a good time, so let's have it." "That's an order." "Hey, try the octopus." "It's terrific." "No, I think I'll stick with the seaweed sandwich." "OK." "You speak, me speak." ""You speak, me..." I'll get it." "Let me have that, Mama." "Hello there." "Colonel Blake speaking." " Leslie!" " Right on time." " How are you?" " I'm OK." "Except for missing a certain lieutenant colonel who shall be nameless." " And you?" " Oh, fine, fine." "Working very hard, of course." "Henry, is Hawkeye with you?" "He said he might be." "Yeah, sure." " Pierce." "Leslie." " For me?" "Must be trouble." " Yeah, Leslie, what's happening?" " Hi." "Just a minute." "Hi." "This is the call you wanted, where I got one foot in the grave" " and the other on a banana peel." " Oh, yeah?" "I hope I don't have to come up with any fake symptoms." "I got a weak stomach." " The white count's up?" " We had SOS again for lunch." "All right." "Yeah, he can't hold food down." "Just missed the 4 o'clock barf." "Tell Spearchucker to get some blood chemistries and start him on IVs." "We'll be right there." "Yeah, OK." "Get your shoes on." "We gotta go back." "Tough case, Henry." "Diagnostic problem." " Abdominal pain, elevated white count." " His white count's up?" " Yeah, it's bad." " That's all right." "Radar's strong." " Dummy." "Can't you keep your mouth shut?" " Radar?" " Sorry." " You're sorry now." "Wait a minute." "You talking about Radar?" "I didn't want to tell you." "You didn't want to tell me what?" "About a week ago, he developed symptoms." "Abdominal cramps, chills, high fever." "Henry, if it goes bad, could you write the letter?" "You're about his only real friend in Korea." "You know, keep it simple." "He comes from those kind of people." " We'll tell you when we know something." " Hey, wait a minute." "You think I'm gonna sit around here and wait for that kid to cash in?" "I was the best diagnostician in Bloomington." "We're gettin' out of here." "Call the airport, reserve a chopper." "Use my name." "I'll get my shoes." "Let's move!" "OK." "We go PX now, big boy?" "Maybe later, Mama." "Sayonara." " The chopper's just landed." " I know." "Come on." "Lay down." "You know what to do." "You got to lay it on him now, OK?" "Lay down." "How's he doin'?" "Hi, fella." "Is that you, Mom?" "It's your colonel, son." "Now, just relax." " Where do you hurt?" " My gut." "Well, let's have a look." "We're gonna get you well, Radar." "That hurt?" "That?" "Whatever he's got, it's spreading." "Colonel Blake." "I just heard you were here, sir, and..." " What's he doing in bed?" " He's sick." "Sick?" "I saw him eat a quart of ice cream at lunch." " I was so sick, I didn't know what I was doin'." " That's OK, son." "Just relax." "He's goldbricking." "We've had a lot lately." "Out of bed, back to the office and finish those reports." " Man's inhumanity to man." " Frank, I'm examining this patient." " Not until you sign a Transient Medic form." " Do me a favour." "Stuff it." "And put your initials on Visiting Physician in a Combat Zone." "Stuff that too." "Prep this man for OR." " What?" " I'm gonna do an exploratory." " Operate on him?" " Operate on him?" "Henry, listen." "Let's do some more studies." "Enzymes, abdominal x-rays, the works." "I agree with Frank." "I think we should test him." "Yeah." "For a week or so, maybe longer." "This kid's got severe abdominal pain with rigidity." "It could be a perforated ulcer." "I'm going in." "Who wants to assist?" " Henry, I think you better slow down." " I'll know the story when I open him up." " He's gonna open me." " You'll be fine, son." "I'm in command and nobody does an exploratory without my OK." "I'll explore anybody I want to." "You back off." "This is my responsibility." "Stay out of my way or I'll bust you down to male nurse." " Fellas..." " This is my outfit." "I make the decisions." "I built this outfit with my own hands." "When we came here, we didn't even have a bedpan." "You're not going to operate." "You can call General Hammond." "I might do that." " Shall I get General Hammond for you, sir?" " Yeah." "Do that." "See if Ugly John is available." "Even if he isn't, pull him away from whatever he's doing..." "The pain." "Look at that." "He was goldbricking." "I told you so." "Radar, are you sick?" "Well, I feel a lot better than I did." " Now I don't feel so good." " Let's get some air." "Hold it." "Nobody move." "Now, what is going on here?" "Pierce, McIntyre, Jones." "Somebody talk to me." "OK." "Attila the Hun was pushing us around, so we tried to get you back in the front office." " By making Radar fake an illness?" " It was intended to make you feel needed." " It's all very psychiatric." " The word is "crazy"." "I'll get the MPs." "Then you can try being psychiatric in the stockade." "Fine." "You can roller-skate from table to table and do all the surgery by yourself." " Put the phone down." " Henry, as commanding officer..." "Correction: you were the commanding officer." "I'm taking over as of now." " Welcome back." " I'll fix it with General Hammond." "This is outrageous." "Frank..." "If I were you, I'd quit the army." " Welcome home, Henry." " What am I gonna do for massages here?" " Oh, I'll be glad to walk all over you." " I'm sure you will." "Dealer has 20." "I'll pay 21." " Hey, pull up a chair, Henry." " Ten hut." ""Ten hut" from Henry?" " Knock it off, Hawkeye." " I just never heard him say that." "You'd better get used to it, Pierce." "I'm back in command." "You toe the line." "And no more horsing around." "Understood?" " Yes, sir." " Good, good." "Now you know where you stand." "Any questions?" "Yes, sir." "What is it, man?" "Speak up." "Can I buy you a drink, big boy-san?" "Look, I just got through..." "Well, maybe a little one."