"SALESMAN 1:" "Yeah, it's expensive, but it's sweet." "Yeah." "Are you familiar with Gibson humbucking pickups at all, or..." "No, I'm sorry." "I actually don't play." "It's for my dad for his 50th birthday." "That's..." "That's really sweet." "Yeah, my sisters and I are all chipping in, so..." "Your dad will love these humbuckings." "I mean, they really kick ass." "Excuse me, I just have a quick question about..." "So, what kind of music does your dad play?" "Um..." "I guess it's kind of jazz-ish, maybe?" "This is an excellent jazz guitar." "Pat Metheny plays one of these." " Probably the best one." " Yeah." "Is your dad into Metheny at all?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I actually have no idea who that is." "Pat Metheny is probably the best fusion player of our times." "He's like the Jake E. Lee of fusion guitar players." " Yeah, are you into fusion?" " Yeah." "I don't really know what that is, either." "It's just..." "I was asking because I..." "I play fusion guitar." "Just curious." "Yeah, I play fusion, too, actually." "SALESMAN 1:" "I teach kids." "I work with kids." " Really?" " Yeah, I work with a lot of kids." "One quick..." "SALESMAN 1:" "You should come check our band out." " Oh, for Christ's sake." " Okay." "Sure." "That's awesome." "Yeah." "So what do you think?" "Well, do you guys maybe have it in other colors?" "Color?" "You mean finishes." " SALESMAN 1:" "Meant finishes." " Yeah, sorry." "We have a sunburst." "It's beautiful." "Yeah, I just stocked one of those in the back." "I can go grab it." " No, I can pick it up." " You want to see it?" " No, I'll get it." "It comes with a case." " I'll get it." " I'm going to get the case." " CINDY:" "Yeah, okay." "Thank you." "I'm gonna get..." "I'm gonna grab the case." "CINDY: (CHUCKLING) Awesome." "(SINGING) Well, I said, friend" "Don't take her, she's all I've got" "Please don't take her love away from me" "I'm beggin' you, friend" "Don't take her, she's all I've got" "Oh, shit!" "She's everything in life I'll ever need" "She is life" "When I want to live" "She's everything to me in life that life can give" "She's my water" "That's not really my thing." "When I need a drink" "She's the first thought in my mind" " Hey, Step." " Hi there, Joel." " Mary." " Hello, Joel." "Let me tell you now, friend" "Don't take her, she's all I've got" "Please don't take her love away from me" "I'm beggin' you, friend" "Don't take her, she's all I've got" "She's everything in life I'm ever gonna need" "She's my fingers" "When I want to feel" "She's the only thing in life to me that's really real" "Let me tell you now, friend" "Don't take her, she's all I've got" "Please don't take her love away from me" "I'm beggin' you, friend" "You know, I don't know what to..." " They come in and..." " That's right." "They're doing..." "She's everything in life I'm ever gonna need" "DEAN:" "You should come by tonight." "It's half-price well drinks while the game's going." "Well, you always give me free drinks, though." "I know." "You should come by." "Might as well." "There's no action going on at my house, that's for sure." "Why not?" "Is your wife out of town?" "No, I just haven't been laid in about a month." "Hey, did you get this job through Job 1?" "Me, too." "I started right there on the assembly line, just like you." "Only I did better." "Forty crates a day." "That's right, vato." "I'm the best sorter in here." "Yep." "Probably gonna make me floor manager at the end of this year." " That's why they made me full-time." " You see that?" "That new guy?" "He's holding us up." "It's not my job to tell him to hold the line, either." "Hey." "My band's playing on Friday." "You should check us out." "It's pronounced "God's cock."" "What kind of music do you listen to?" "Rock?" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Yeah." "Yeah." "You'll like this." "Ladies are free, so bring some chicks, okay?" "Typical, typical." "I'm just going to sit here." "You're not going to shut it off?" "I'm not going to hold the line." "If they're not going to do their jobs, I'm not going to do mine." "Well, if I don't get home before about 8:00, she puts on the sweatpants, and once the sweatpants are on, I get nothing." "You know, it's over." "Shit." "Damn it!" " What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "What is he doing?" "That's what I want to know." " Yeah?" "Why you ganging up on us?" " That is your job." "We can't do our job if they don't do their job!" "We're the only ones that do our work around here!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "What is the problem?" "Let's settle down." "Mary." "(SHUSHING)" "Hector's new here, okay?" "It's gonna take him a couple of days, so you've got to be patient." "Step, listen." "This is something you're gonna have to deal with if you want to be floor manager, you got that?" "Exactly." "Great." "Well, let's clean all this up, okay, and get back to rolling." "We cannot afford to fall behind today." "Let's go." "Back to your station." "See that?" "We always get the blame." "Jesus, they're like a bunch of damn children, you know?" "I feel like a babysitter." "Sorry I missed the drama this morning." "I was showing boy genius down there how to back up a forklift." "(SCOFFS) Look at him." "That's his whole career, you know?" "Driving that damn forklift." "You'd think he'd want to learn how." "Well, he does have that band that he's involved in, as well." "(SCOFFS) Yeah, right." "Band." "I bet you dollars to donuts he sucks at that, too." " Then you got dinkus down there." " Who?" "Mary?" "No, no." "The other one." "What's-her-face?" "She asked me, or rather "aksed me," for more personal days." "Just like that." "I told her maybe if she figures out how to fill out her timesheets correctly," "I will give her more personal days." "Don't worry." "She will never fill out her timesheets correctly." "I better get out of here." "Got to beat that 8:00 sweatpant-deadline thing." "Oh, shit." "Do not notice me." "Do not notice me." "Just go back inside." "Go back inside." "God damn it!" "Hey." "Hey, Joel." "Glad I caught you." "How have you been?" "I'm in such a hurry right now, Nathan." "Yeah?" "You've been busy?" "Yes." "Very, very, very busy." "And I'm so busy right now, I gotta go make a phone call." "Gotta call the office before they all leave for the day." "Yeah." "Hey, listen." "Real quick, while I've got you here, what are you guys doing November 17th?" "On the 17th?" "Um..." "On the 17th, I think that we're out of town." "Oh, yeah?" "Where you going?" "(CLICKS TONGUE)" " Um..." " Wait a minute." "I meant the seventh." "You guys will definitely be in town then, right?" "Yep." "Great." "Leslie and I are going to this dinner." "It's an annual thing." "We go every year with the Rotary Club." "It's for charity." "It's just a whole lot of fun." "And we would like to invite you and Suzie to be our guests at our table..." "Nathan, I just..." "I don't think that that's something that we're gonna want to do." " Really?" " Yeah." "Why not?" "It's a lot of fun." "I don't know." "Suzie doesn't like going to those kinds of things." "Why not?" "We wouldn't know anybody, and she gets really uncomfortable." " Oh, it's not like that." " Sure it is." "No, she won't feel uncomfortable." "It's not formal or anything." "It's just a real loose bunch." "You know, I..." "Tell you what." "Why don't we do this?" "I'm gonna go ahead and buy those tickets, since they're gonna sell out fast." "You talk to Suzie." "See what she says." "Maybe I'll have Leslie give her a call." "You know how it is when the wives start talking." "(CHUCKLING)" " I can almost hear it..." " We're gonna talk about this later." "Got to make the call." "Sorry, Joel, I almost forgot." "The tickets are $40 a plate." "Now, I know that's a little bit steep, but the food is fantastic." "So, that's $80 total." "There's no tax or anything." "Nathan, I really gotta get inside and make this phone call." "You and I are gonna talk about this some other time, okay?" "You go do that." "Hey, Joel?" "If you want us to look out after the house while you're gone or anything, we can do that." " I appreciate that." " Okay." "Yup." "Hey, where you guys going, anyway?" "We're going on vacation." "Gosh, I tell you, Leslie and I would love to go on a vacation with you guys." "(SIGHS)" "I gotta go." "All right, then." "I appreciate it, Nathan." "Thank you so much." "You do your thing." "Joel?" "One more thing." "Hey, Joel?" " Hon." " Hi." "Man, that Nathan won't shut up." "Oh, I know." "What an asshole." "That wife of his is even worse." "I mean, I wonder how long he would talk if you just let him go, you know?" "I'm actually afraid to go into our own front yard sometimes because I'm afraid he's going to be milling around." "Remember when we had our condo?" "We could just go straight from the garage inside." "No one would bother us." "We could walk to 7-Eleven." "(CELL PHONE BUZZING)" "We didn't have to worry about plumbers or pool cleaners." "Speaking of that, we've got to hire a new pool cleaner." "He never checks the chlorine levels." "Sorry, it's just this new synthetic vanilla has a much higher triple point than we thought, which means that the new cookies-and-cream extract that we've been working on could really work, and I just..." "I gotta get to this before Weber Flavors beats us to it, 'cause if something like this caught on, it could be big." "Could sell the company." "Do you remember that logo that you designed for the original cookies-and-cream extract?" "I still have that framed in my office." "Do you remember it?" "Yeah." "And now I design coupons." "Do you want to go to the bedroom?" " Oh, I'm a little tired." " Really?" "Yeah, just..." "I don't know." "It's the middle of the week." "It's not the middle of the week." "It's Monday, baby." "It's Monday?" "Shit!" " What happened?" " Dancing with the Stars." "(DANCING WITH THE STARS THEME PLAYING ON TV)" "Oh?" "Is it on?" "(SIGHS)" "I gotta get a house that's got a bathroom that doesn't share a wall with the TV." "Why would you do that?" "Because it is a little tough to jerk it with the TV blaring at you through the wall, Dean." "Well, why don't you use one of the other two bathrooms?" "It'd be too suspicious." "We don't use those bathrooms." "I'll just..." "I'll put some insulation in or something." "Insulation?" "You do not need to put fiberglass in your walls because you have so much masturbation shame." "You need to take responsibility for yourself and snap one off wherever you want to in your own home." "You own your house." "You own your own business." "I mean, you used to be a bartender here." "Now look at what you have." "I know, but come on." "What..." "What, really, do I have?" "Okay?" "It's a pain in the ass." "I work all the time." "What does it get me?" "Nobody cares about extracts, certainly not my wife." "The stock guy with the shitty band probably gets laid more often than I do." "Yeah, but he probably lives in a really crappy apartment." "I would very gladly move into a crappy apartment if the bathroom wasn't right next to the TV." "CINDY:" "It belonged to my father." "He passed away last month and we have all these stupid bills, and it's just been really hard for me, you know?" "He was really into fusion." "You know, I'm not supposed to say this, but given the circumstances, you know, you could take this down to the music store and get a lot better deal." "No, that's okay." "Really." "I just wanna get this over with." " I just want it gone." " I understand." "I understand." "Here." "I just..." "I want you to have a little extra." "Here." "Come on." " No." "No, no, no." "I couldn't." "No." "No." " No, no." "Just..." "Just take the money." "You've been through enough already." "Come on." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh, my gosh." "God bless you." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Hey." "Are we still looking into replacing her with a robot?" "Yeah, sure." "But we might not have to." "You're not gonna believe this, but remember that guy," "Michael J. Natherton from General Mills, who called a while back, talking like he might want to buy us out?" "Yeah." "I thought you said that he wasn't serious, he was just kicking the tires." "Yeah, well, he's serious now." "He just made us an offer." " I mean, a real offer." " Are you kidding me?" "It must be part of some bigger strategic move, because this is over market value, I think." "Wow." "I might be able to finally unload all this stuff and retire, huh?" "I mean, there's a lot of details to work out, but, yeah, this..." "This could be great." "He says he'll call back next week." "What should I tell him?" "You tell him, "Hell, yes."" "Adiós, dinkus." "You see that?" "I already warned him." "This is the last time." "I'm just gonna sit here." "Oh, no." "What now?" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Oh!" "I knew it." "That's what happens when you don't pay attention." " Mmm-hmm." " Mmm-hmm." "Yeah, all right." "Just call me if you hear anything else." "He definitely lost one of them, and they think that they can reattach the other one, but they're not sure." "Wow." "That's hardcore." "I have no idea how this happened." "We've got such a good safety record, and we comply with all the safety codes." "I think it was just some kind of a freak accident, you know?" "Well, you probably have insurance for that, right?" "Yeah, of course." "He's probably gonna get a huge settlement." "Yeah, I would think so." "I mean, it's your balls." "It kind of makes you think, doesn't it, how fragile we all are?" "Especially our balls." "They're just hanging there." "A little sack." "Any minute, could just be cut off forever." "What'd life be like, walking around without testicles?" "Can you imagine that shit?" "Yeah, actually, I rarely use my balls anymore at all." "What about the other night?" "I thought you were gonna rub one out to Dancing with the Stars." "I mean that, you know," "Suzie and I have sex maybe once every three months." "You know, sexual frustration is really hard." "But I may have a solution." " What?" " You need to take some Xanax." "Xanax?" "Isn't that for anxiety?" "It's good for all psychological problems in the DSM-IV." "Xanax basically just makes you feel good." "That's why it works for everything." "I take it for the common head cold." "I think it would work great for sexual frustration." " Want me to get you some?" " No, I don't." "You know what else is good?" "Codeine cough syrup." " For what?" " It's just good." "FEMALE OPERATOR:" "What listing?" "Don Wilkinson or Step Wilkinson." " One moment." " Can I have the address, please?" "I'm sorry." "I'm not showing anything for either." "There's a D. Wilkinson, but it's unlisted." "Okay." "Thank you." "So, the guys at General Mills got wind of this whole testicular incident and they're worried." "If Step decides to sue us beyond the insurance settlement, that could be a serious liability." "How is Step doing, anyway?" "Better." "I guess he might be going home today." "Oh, good." "Anyway, I guess we don't have to worry about it." "He says he's not going to sue us." "(IMITATING STEP) Says he wouldn't want something for nothing, you know, and what's right is right." "He's being pretty mellow about this." "Yeah." "I think when you lose your balls, it kind of mellows you out." "Oh, by the way, guess who asked for a raise today?" " Who?" " Dinkus." "Can you believe that?" "Brian, you know, you call everyone here dinkus." "I don't know who you're talking about." " You know, forklift dinkus." " Oh." "I thought you call him "boy genius."" "Oh, right." "Yeah." "Well, boy genius asked for a raise." "I said, "Are you kidding me?" ""You almost got somebody killed last week."" "And then he tried to blame it on dinkus over there." "You know, you really ought to learn the employees' names." "Yeah, I was thinking about that, but then I figured, hey, if this deal goes through next week, I won't have to." "It's not like I'm gonna be inviting dinkus and boy genius over for dinner." "Oh, Joel, let me introduce you to the new temps here." "One of them wanted to meet you." "Joel, this is Cindy." " Hi." " Hi." "(MOUTHING) Oh, my God." "And..." "I'm sorry." "I forgot your name." " Victor." " Victor!" "Right." "Hi." "Joel." "Welcome." " Okay." " BRIAN:" "Mmm-hmm." " Hey." " Hi." "Look, I'm so sorry, but are you really the owner of this entire place?" "Yeah." "I mean, like, you..." "You started it and everything?" "Yeah." "Yeah, pretty much." "Oh, my God." "How?" "Just..." "You really wanna hear this?" "A lot of people think it's boring." "No, no." "I..." "Really, I do." "I wanna know." "I mean, did you, like, invent extract or something?" " Kind of." " Really?" "Well, my mother used to..." "My mother used to make these root-beer cookies, and I always noticed that the cookie dough tasted better than the cookies themselves, and I thought, "Why is that?"" "And it turns out that a lot of the flavor in the root-beer extract evaporates when you cook it, and so when I was in graduate school, in chemistry," "I figured out a way to use this synthetic derivative of the wintergreen component, and it just..." "It doesn't evaporate as easily." "And from that, you know..." "Wow." "I mean, you..." "You figured all of that out, like, with your brain!" " Yeah." " Oh, you must be really rich." "I've got a 7 Series BMW and some pretty nice clothes." "You know so many people." " I..." " Oh, my God." "You are really popular." "(LAUGHING)" "What?" "It's just really cute how your sixes look like eights." "Or is it more like your eights look like sixes?" "Which one is it?" "Hey, dude." "You wanna hit some golf balls, man?" "Hey, Dean." "Cindy, here." "Oh, damn." "Goodness." "Hi." "Dean." "Entrepreneur, spiritualist, healer." " Okay." " Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Thank you, Mr. Reynolds." " Thank you." "Thank you." " Welcome aboard." "We're gonna play some golf, but maybe we could all just hang out?" " Dean?" " Dude." "Does she work here?" "Yeah, she's a temp." " She's a tramp?" " Temp!" "And please don't stare at her." "Get away from the window." "I like it, Joel." "I like your style." "Well, I didn't hire her." "She came over through Job 1." "They just sent her over like everyone else." "Job 1, huh?" "I got to give those guys a call, man." "I have never seen a woman anywhere near that hot working here." "Makes sense, though, huh?" "I mean, hot girls need jobs, too, right?" "Do they really?" "I mean, most of your temps look like winos, man, and they're guys." " You wanna hear something weird, too?" " Yeah." "I think that she was flirting with me." "Really?" " Could be wrong." " No, I'm sure, man." "Dude, you could probably have any girl out there, that's walking around, anyone that you see right now with the hairnet on, man, you could probably nail." " I don't know about that." " I'm telling you, man, you're the king of this whole domain." "This is your place." "You're the ruler here." "You're the king of the..." "What is this shit you're making out here?" "It's extract, and it's spray-dried flavoring, and..." "You're the extract king, man." "And these females out here sense that, and you can have them if you want that, you know?" "I personally wouldn't, because they're not sexually attractive to me, but, you know, that girl right there good for you, Joel." " MARY:" "Somebody stole my purse!" "What the shit?" "My purse is stolen!" "It's gone!" "He did it!" "He stole my purse!" "You!" "You stole my purse!" "He did it!" " He did it!" "He stole my purse!" " Hey, wait, wait!" " I told you about him!" " Calm down!" "Calm down one minute, will you?" "I'm not gonna calm down!" "I'm gonna call the cops!" "Will you please time out?" "I speak the language, okay?" "Hector." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" " You know, purse-o?" " Purse!" "That's right!" "You stole my purse and took my money!" " Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute, okay?" " He stole my purse." "Give me a break, please?" "How do you know it's stolen?" "I know it's stolen because it's gone, that's how!" "What does it look like?" "It's a white leather multi-colored patchwork purse with a turquoise lining and a cute little teddy bear in a tutu!" "(SINGING) You didn't have to love me like you did" "But you did, but you did" "And I thank you" "You didn't have to love me like you did" "But you did, but you did" "And I thank you" "But you took your love to someone else" "I wouldn't know what it meant to be loved to death" "You made me feel like I've never felt" "Kisses so good I had to holler for help" "You didn't have to hold it, but you did" "But you did, but you did" "And I thank you" "You can go ahead of me if that's all you got." " Really?" " Yeah, sure." "Are you sure?" "That's really, really sweet of you." "Thank you." "I can't believe I'm buying Reynold's Extract." "I mean, I work at the factory, you know?" "Really?" "I work there, too." "Are you serious?" "Yeah, I sure do." "Well, I used to, but..." "Yeah." "Well, I just started working there." "Yeah, I'm the fastest sorter there." " Really?" " Yeah." "Forty crates a day." "They were gonna make me floor manager." "Well, I'm Cindy." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "We don't do it anymore, you know?" "It's..." "We just..." "I don't know what to do." "We're turning into one of those brother-sister couples." "You do kind of look alike." " No, we don't." " Okay." "And to make things worse," "Dean, I cannot get that Cindy girl out of my mind." "And how often am I going to meet a girl that pretty and that into food flavoring?" "It's just..." "You know she practically asked me out?" "She gave me her phone number and everything." "Asked me if I was going to that party where Rory's band is playing." " Can you believe that?" " Really?" " Yeah." " What are you going to do?" "What do you mean, what am I gonna do?" "I'm gonna do nothing." "I can't cheat on Suzie." "I just got to power through it until I'm too old to get it up, you know?" "Then I'll be all right." "What if Suzie cheated on you?" "(SCOFFS) Right." "Come on." "Listen, man." "I like Suzie." "You know what I'm saying?" "And I got nothing against her, but what if she's feeling the same way you were?" "Right?" "What if she cheated on you?" "Would that bother you?" "I don't..." "No, I guess..." "No, I guess it wouldn't, at this point." "I guess that's a little weird, isn't it?" "Yeah, a bit, but, you know, do you think she would do it?" " What?" "Cheat on me?" "No." " You sure?" "Well, I don't know, actually." "Hang on." "She might." "Suzie might." "She could be tempted, I suppose." "If some really studly guy hit on her..." "So, you're saying that she would cheat on you if she were placed in temptation's way, and yet you're in temptation's way and you're not cheating on her?" " That's right." " Okay, bro." "Here's what you need to do." " I don't want drugs, Dean." " There are ways, ancient ways from Aztec times of getting your wife to cheat on you, if that is what you need." "Let's hear it." "You hire a gigolo to have an affair with your wife." " What?" " I'm serious, bro." "I know a guy." " You know a gigolo?" " Yes, I do." "How do you know a gigolo?" " This guy, Brad." " Brad the gigolo?" "Yes, who comes in here all the time." "He's friends of Cliff." "You hire Brad." "He has an affair with Suzie." "All right." "Yeah." "Don't you have another customer to help or something?" "Dude, you just told me that you wouldn't mind if she fooled around with somebody else." "And if she fools around with somebody else, you have no guilty feelings about hooking up with Cindy." "All your problems are solved." "Stroke-of-genius idea on my part." "Jesus Christ, maybe I will try some of your Xanax." " Come on." " Seriously." "I think what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna sit Suzie down and I'm just gonna talk to her about it." " Bing!" " No, that was a joke." "Not a joke." " Joking." " Serious." "This gonna shut you up?" "Tell me what this stuff does, again." "STEP:" "Yeah, I just believe what's right is right." "CINDY:" "That's right, Step." "And what's right is for you to send a message so that a horrible accident like this never happens to anybody ever again." "That's why I got a lawyer for you." "You want to know who?" " Who?" " The guy on all the bus-stop benches." " Joe Adler?" "You got me Joe Adler?" " Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." "You're so good to me, Cindy." "Okay." "Oh, my gosh." "Step, I'm sorry." "You're getting me aroused, and I'm getting you aroused, and your doctor said that you should not get aroused till after the trial." "Step, I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "I think we should go." "I'm sorry." "STEP:" "Man." "Look at all them mallards." "I knew I should have brought the Mossberg." "DEAN:" "Shit." "Do you remember what color that pill was I gave you?" " What?" " Damn it." "I don't think it was Xanax." "Could have been Ritalin or Special K." "I don't care." "What?" "Well, Special K is a horse tranquilizer." "It sometimes has weird effects on humans." "Hey, it's nothing to worry about." "Probably just shouldn't drink anymore." "Remember that thing you were talking about?" " About the gigolo?" " Yeah?" "You don't think that is wrong?" "You don't think that that is morally wrong?" "What could be morally wrong about that?" "Yeah, I don't know." "Look, man." "If she doesn't wanna do anything, she doesn't have to, okay?" "But if she does, then she's the one who sinned, and you're the one who can go out there and drop the Joel-pole in whoever the hell you want to." "And that's what's morally appropriate." "I cannot..." "I can't see anything morally wrong with it, either, and..." "And he's a friend of yours, right?" "What is his name?" "Brad." "You want me to get on the phone with him?" "No, no." "Just hang on." "It's very weird to even talk about this, Dean." "Dude, all you got to do is tell her he's coming to be the new pool guy or whatever, and see what happens." "Seriously." "If she doesn't go for it, terrific." "Now you just feel better for not fooling around in the first place." "I think you're right, and we do need a new pool cleaner." "That's a sign, bro." "Yeah, I just..." "I don't know." "It's so nuts." "You got to listen to the universe." "Why don't you have another drink, man?" "You know what?" "Why don't I go call Brad?" "See what he has to say about this?" "What the hell." "It seems pretty clear, right?" "I mean, it's $200, right?" "Yeah." "It's 200." "Well, yeah." "I mean, you know, I'm getting my 10%." "Come on, Dean." "What are you?" "You're a pimp now?" "I don't think they call it a pimp when it's with a male prostitute, Joel." " All right." " DEAN:" "They have another name for it." "It's not a john, but it's something like that." "They call it something else." "Look, I'm the one who hooked this whole thing up." " I get it." " DEAN:" "Okay?" "You have nothing to worry about 'cause it all comes out of his money, anyway." " All right!" " Fine." " So, it's $200." "Yep. 220." " Dean!" " What?" "I have a question." "Yep." "So, are you, like, gonna watch or something?" "No, no." "No, no." "No, I'm..." "I'm not even gonna be there." "I'm gonna be at work." "Don't you remember?" "We covered this." " Didn't we cover this?" " Look, dude, here's the story." "What you're gonna do is, you're just gonna go to Joel's house, okay, pretending to be the new pool cleaner." "When you get there, you will simply attempt to seduce Joel's wife." "If she does not respond, you will simply clean the pool and leave." "That's it." "It's just that simple." "So you're not gonna, like, try to touch my ass or anything?" "Listen." "He will be at work." "You will go by when he is not there, and you will pose as the pool cleaner trying to seduce the wife." "(LAUGHING)" "I see." "Yeah." "I get it now." " It's so simple." " BRAD:" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "Cool." "Yeah." "You're not even gonna be there." "DEAN:" "No, he will not be there." "He will not be at the house." "You will be at the house." "The wife will be at the house." "He will..." " BRAD:" "Not be..." " Not be at the house." "Cool." "No problem." "This is gonna be great." "Now, I want you to remember that she might not go for it." "So, awesome, yeah." "No, I can hardly wait." " She might not go for it." " This is going to be awesome." "Awesome." "Hey, man, if you know of anybody else who might need, you know, what I do, like lonely housewives and shit, you think you could tell them about me?" "Because I figure if I can get enough of them, then maybe I could quit my landscaping job." "That would be awesome, because I hate landscaping, dude, and I like getting laid a lot better." "And I'm always seeing all kinds of horny housewives out at the clubs, so, like I say, if your wife has any housewife..." "Brad, you're killing me, man." "All right?" "Good talking to you." " All right." " Good talking, all right, bro?" "Later." "BRAD:" "Oh?" "You know what else I was thinking, man?" " Later on, Brad." "Good night, man." " BRAD:" "All right, cool." "Hey, let me give you a ride home." "You're not in any condition to drive." "I know." "This..." "Are you sure about this guy?" "This..." "DEAN:" "Oh, yeah, man." "He's real cool." "He just gets a little fired up before each job." "It's just..." "He doesn't seem that bright." "I mean, what do you expect?" "He's a whore." "CINDY:" "Hey." "Wow, looks like you had one of those nights, huh?" "So, where was I?" "Oh, shit." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" " Hello?" " Hey, Dean." " Joel." " Thank God you're awake." "Did that really happen last night?" "We go through with that?" "That gigolo stuff?" "As far as I know." " God damn it!" " What?" "What was I thinking?" "We got to call that off right now." "Can you call that guy?" "What's his name?" "Brad." "Okay." "Yeah, man." "I'll call him." "Yeah, tell him I'll pay him anyway." "Not to..." "Not to worry about it." "Just tell him not to go over there." "What was I thinking?" "All right, chill." "Chill." "I'll call him." "Thanks for the drugs, Dean." "Actually, I don't have his digits." "What're you talking about?" "Thought you called him last night." " Yeah, but I got his number from Cliff." " You get it from Cliff again." "Cliff doesn't have a phone right now." "I got it from him at the bar." "Motherfucker!" "What's the boy's last name?" "I'll call information." "I don't remember." "It's a Mexican name." "Mexican?" "For Christ's sake, Dean, the guy's got blonde hair and blue eyes." "Come on." "I thought it was strange, too, a guy who looks like that had a Mexican last name, but I don't judge people, you know?" "I mean, might not have been Mexican." "Could have been a Filipino name." "I think it's Lopez or Sanchez." "Or Gutiérrez." "Shit." "I got to get home and head him off." " Joel, we got to talk." " Not now, Brian." " It's kind of important." " Not now, pal." " Not now." " It's kind of really important." " It's about Step." " JENNY:" "There's a Brad Chavez on Line 1 for you." " Who?" " Brad Chavez." "Brad Chavez?" "You want me to take a message?" "No, no." "That's the pool cleaner." "I better take that." "Hello?" " Hey, is this Joel?" " Yes, it is." " Hey, man." "It's Brad." " Hey." "Thank God." "Mission accomplished, dude." "It worked." "She totally went for it." "You were not even supposed to be there for another 45 minutes." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "I totally forgot what time you guys told me, and I was so excited about it I just went over there." "Um..." "So, then, you..." "She actually..." "You guys..." "Yep." "It was easy." "Easy?" "What does that mean, easy?" "No, I don't mean easy like she was easy or anything like," ""Your wife's a slut," or anything." "I just meant it wasn't hard to get her to..." "Never mind." "Tell me." "Tell me what happened." "I want to hear it all." " You sure?" " Yeah." "I'm sure." "Okay." "Well, she let me in, so I just went back like I was cleaning the pool, and I don't know anything about pool cleaning, right?" "So, I was totally just faking it, and she was in her bathing suit, so I struck up a conversation." "This is a really nice house." "Thank you." "Is it your dad's house?" "No, it's..." "It's ours." "Oh." "Wow." "You look so young to be living in a house this nice." "(GIGGLING)" "What?" "Do you have any sunscreen?" "I forgot mine." "Sure." "BRAD:" "And, see, I thought that was pretty smart of me, right, to ask to borrow the sunscreen, because that way I could ask if she wanted some and I could rub some on her back, right?" "Instead of me just coming out and asking to rub some on her back." "It was pretty smooth, huh?" "Anyway, once I started rubbing lotion all over her body the rest was pretty easy." "She..." " All right!" "That's it!" "Stop it!" "I don't need to hear any more." "Okay." "Okay, dude." "Well, hey, listen, if you have anyone else that you want to referral me to or, like, if you want me to do your wife again, I can..." "No!" "I've got to go." "Goodbye." " Oh!" "Damn it!" " Yoo-hoo." "Hey!" " How's it going?" " I'm real busy, actually." "Well, I'm not gonna keep you long." "I went ahead and got those tickets for that dinner we talked about going to together on the seventh." "I think I mentioned that they were 40 apiece." "Well, as it turns out, they're a tad more this year. 55." "I told you that we really didn't want to go to that thing." "Don't you remember that?" "I know you said something about Suzie feeling uncomfortable, but like I say, she won't feel uncomfortable at all." "She could wear a pantsuit, if that's the issue." " It's not formal or anything." " No." "It's not the problem, Nathan." "What?" "Does she not like to wear a dress ever?" "I gotta go." "One more thing!" "I'm busy, too." "Joel, I was thinking, maybe we could go on vacation, just the two of us." "We haven't done something like that in a long time, and I know they have really great deals right now in the Caribbean." "I hate the Caribbean." "Really?" "Why?" "'Cause it sucks." "But I thought you liked going to hot places, you know, so you can wear your shorts." "I don't feel so good." "I'm gonna go to bed." "Is it the food?" "Well, actually, I'm in, like, five bands right now, but God's Cock is basically the same four guys as Fight Head, but Fight Head's more of, like, a thrash skate-punk-type thing," "whereas God's Cock is more like melodic grindcore." "So, it's five bands, but it's four groups of guys." "She is so nice." "I wish they'd hire more people like her." "Mmm-hmm." "Can't believe he's still working here." "Did you know that Sylvia's wallet is missing?" "She thinks it was stolen." "And guess who was in the locker room last?" "Hector." "Hey." "Did you guys hear the rumor?" "Jim said Joel and Brian are going to sell the company." "Rich said the same thing, too." "He said they'll probably make millions and billions of dollars, too." "Shut the fuck up." "You mean, I'm working my ass off and those guys are gonna make all that money?" "I work harder than anybody." "If you add it all up, I lift over 200,000 pounds a week." "We should do something." " Mmm-hmm." " Mmm-hmm." "Here." "Ladies are free, so bring some chicks." "GABRIELLA:" "Mmm-hmm." " You got a sec?" " Yeah." "I think we might have a really big problem here." "I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden," "Step says he doesn't want to settle anymore." "I think he might have talked to a lawyer." "Like I say, the General Mills guys don't wanna make the offer official until this whole thing is settled, so..." "All right, well, don't worry about it." "Step's probably just chest-beating, you know?" "He does this all the time." "He gets all wound up, talks big, and then he usually backs down." "And that was with his balls, so," " I'll talk to him." " Okay." "All right." "The sooner the better." "(NATHAN EXCLAIMS)" "There he is." "Hey." "I can't talk today." " Almost missed you." " I can't talk right now, Nathan." "Hey, I noticed you got a new pool cleaner today." "How is he?" "We're thinking about changing services." "I got to get inside..." "Hang on, you mean yesterday, right?" " Huh?" " The pool cleaner that you saw, you saw him yesterday, not today, right?" "No, today." "The new guy." "What did he look like?" "Well, you know, blonde-haired kid about yea high." "Good-looking kid." "Real good-looking." "In fact, Leslie even commented..." "You're absolutely sure that you saw him today, and not yesterday?" " Yeah." " No doubt?" "No, no doubt about it." "It was today." "I came home for lunch." "Yesterday, I had this bear of a sales conference." "This guy just went on." "Hey, do you think I could go ahead and get that check from you?" "It's 110..." "All right, I'll call you!" "BRAD:" "Hello?" " Yeah, is this Brad?" " Yeah." "What were you doing at my house today?" "Oh!" " Nothing." " Bullshit." "Look, don't worry about it, dude." "I won't charge you for this one." "You had sex with my wife again?" "Well, I figured we already did it once, so what's the big deal, right?" " Besides, I'm not going to charge you." " You're not going to charge..." "You are going to charge me and I am going to pay you, because you are not going to have sex with my wife for free, all right?" "Now, listen." "If I ever catch you anywhere near my house ever again, it's not going to be great, all right?" "Okay, listen, if you know of anyone else who needs..." "Hey, do you want to," "I don't know, go out or something?" "We can go to 7-Eleven and get pizza sticks." "I have this work thing I gotta go to." "Rory's band's playing." "Everyone's got to go." "Oh." "(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY)" "(CHATTERING)" "Are you getting what you deserve?" "Call me!" "Joe Adler, the big gun." " Hey, Cliff." " Hey." "(JOE SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)" "I cannot believe that my wife slept with that guy." "I thought you said it wouldn't bother you." "Well, I guess I didn't think about it long enough." "It was so easy for him, too." "I can't stand that." "Maybe I'm just lousy in the sack." "No, man." "It's not your fault." "I told you, my man Brad just crushes ass, dude." "I'm sorry if, you know..." "I'm sorry." "That's all right." "That's all right." "Apparently you're right." "What is it with women?" "They say they don't care about looks, they just want a guy who's smart and funny, but they always just end up laughing at whatever the good-looking, stupid guy says." "(LAUGHING) I know." "Guess what else?" "Little prick was at my house again today." " For real?" "Why?" " Why do you think?" "Unreal." "You hire a guy to do a job on one day, and he comes back the next day, drops it in your wife again for free." "Yeah, well, I'm not letting him do it for free." "I am paying him." "You are?" "How much?" "The same, I guess." "Why?" "Well, I mean, should I contact Brad for my 20 bills and invoice him, or should I go to you, or..." "Don't even worry about that right now." "We can deal with the economics of it later." "You can just table that." "That's not what's important." "What's important is that you should be going out right now and calling Cindy, guilt-free." "Conscience clear." "Yeah." "I don't know about that." "She's at that party." " Look." "You know what you need to do?" " I don't need any more drugs." "Dude." "I know I kid around a lot and I'm a little bit of a character, but I'm serious right now." "This is real advice." "Okay?" "So, I want you to listen to me." "You should try smoking a little pot." " That's a drug." " It's not a drug." "It's a flower." "It has healing properties." "Stress is a killer." "Okay, I get paranoid when I smoke pot." "Not if you smoke a little, bro." "You know what you need to do?" "You need to hang out with my boy Willie." "He's a great guy." "He's the one who gave me that horse tranquilizer." "Dude, the Atlantians gave mankind the secret 10,000 years ago." "See, drugs don't give you a hangover, man." "You know what I mean?" "People are just now starting to use that shit." "Embrace it." "That's how we're going to solve modern problems, man." "Wisdom of the ancients." "Ask Willie, bro." "He's a shaman." "Right on." " All right, man." " No." "I'm really kind of a lightweight." "If you've got a beer, or even some wine..." " It's not really my thing." " Bullshit." "Come on, Joel." "Man, he thinks he gets paranoid." " I do get paranoid." " Okay." "You familiar with the Graffix bong?" " You ever used one before?" " No." "Okay." "Put your thumb right here." "Hey!" "You put your right thumb here, on the carburetor." "Now, when I tell you to let go, I want you to let go and inhale hard." "Okay." "Exhale!" " I'm going to let you guys do this." " Bullshit!" "This doesn't work for me." "Just give mine to Dean." " Exhale hard!" " I get paranoid, so I don't..." "Exhale!" "(EXHALES)" "Put your lips on it." "Yeah." "Go!" "Inhale!" "Go!" "Go!" "Harder!" "(BUBBLING)" "Let go!" "Inhale!" "Yeah." "(COUGHING)" "Oh, yeah." "(WILLIE CHUCKLING)" "Yeah." "It's Jesus." "You see him?" "JOEL:" "Oh, fuck." "Huh?" "I thought I heard somebody say something." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(SCREAMING)" "JOEL:" "Jesus Christ." "Did you see the look on his face?" "Man, you do get paranoid when you get stoned." "You do, dude." "Did you get paranoid when he jumped at you?" "I told you guys." "Hey, dude, man." "You should call that girl now." "Well, yeah, what time is it?" "Time for you to call her and finally get laid, man." "Come on!" " All right." " DEAN:" "It's 12:30, man." "She's probably at home now." "What does she look like?" "She's..." "She has dark hair." "She's kind of pretty, and, you know, working-class looking." "What do you mean by that?" "That she's kind of slutty-looking?" "Kind of." "Yeah." "That's how I like them." "Kind of nasty." "Yeah." "You guys have the same taste, man." "Yeah." "Hope I don't wake her up." "(BUSY SIGNAL BEEPING)" "Busy." "At least you know she's home, man." "I don't know what kind of person doesn't have call waiting." "I don't have call waiting." "I hate call waiting." "Every time I hear that clicking," "(IMITATES CLICKING)" "I put my fist right through someone's skull!" "Are you joking?" "He's playing with you." "You do get paranoid when you are stoned, huh?" "Seriously, though, I hate call waiting." "Okay, man." "You're too stoned." "I'm gonna dial the number for you." "I'll tell you why you're getting a busy signal." "This is my number." "Enough." "I don't know why you're trying to get me so paranoid." "You're gonna make me cry." "Hey." "Joel?" "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Joel, man, I'm not proud of you today." "Guys, seems like you guys will have a lot to work out." " Hey, man." "I don't want to be a fourth wheel." "Thanks for having me." "It's been cool." "See you guys later." "Kind of nasty?" "(CLATTERING)" "(SOFTLY) Shit." "Oh, my God." "Joel, are you all right?" "What happened?" "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Just got my ass kicked." "Just back to sleep." " But..." " Honey, just..." "By who?" "What happened?" "Some guy at Sidelines, just..." "Night-night." "My God, you should go to the hospital so you can get checked out, maybe." "No, no, no, I just want to go to sleep right now." "Shh!" " Are you sure you're okay?" " Honey, just don't worry about it, okay?" "People get their asses kicked every day." "Not a big deal." "Back to bed." " Can I get you some ice?" " I'm set." "Hi, Joel." "Brian wants to see you." "Oh, my God." "What happened to your face?" "Car door." "Slammed it." "(JOEL MUTTERING)" "Hey, did you talk to Step yet?" "Not returning my calls." "Oh, shit." "We got trouble." "He did talk to a lawyer." "Joe Adler, that personal-injury lawyer you see on all the bus-stop bench ads." "He's got that freak-show hairdo." "I mean, you got to see this guy." "He is a human turd." "Shit." "What happened to you?" "I fell down some stairs." "Joe Adler?" "Yeah." "I mean, this could be a real problem." "We could be really screwed here." "(SIGHS) And we got to hire a couple of new people because Cindy's quitting." "And did you know she's been going out with Step?" "What?" "Can you believe that?" " Step?" " Yeah." " Our Step?" " I know." "Weird." "And they didn't even meet here." "They met, like, at some grocery store or something, totally random." "You know, how a jimmy-john little dingle berry like him ends up with a girl like Cindy is beyond me." "And if it's okay with you, I'd like to go ahead and fire Hector." "Fire Hector?" "Why?" "Well, you know, what's-her-face's purse and dinkus' wallet." "It's got to be him." "Who else could it be?" "Uh, no." "Do not fire Hector." " Why not?" " Just..." "Just trust me on this." "Okay." "If you say so." "Jenny, I don't feel very well." "I'm gonna go home early." "Shit." "What the..." "What the hell are you doing on my street again?" "Dude, you weren't supposed to be here for another four hours." "What..." "What happened to your face?" "Same thing that's..." "Your face is going to look like my face if I ever..." "Actually, your face is going to look worse than mine if..." "Listen, if I ever catch you anywhere near my house or my wife again, at the very least, you will be arrested." "For what?" "Suzie let me in." "Listen, man, I know she's your wife and shit and whatever." "You might as well know, I think we're in love." "(LAUGHS)" "In love?" "Oh, are you stupid." "Stupid Brad." "Stupid, dumb, dumb Brad." "You think that she is in love with you?" "You don't even know her, okay?" "You're nothing but a little piece of ass." "That's it." "I don't think so, dude." "You don't think so, dude?" "Did you ever think that she doesn't even know that I paid you to have sex with her?" "Did you ever think about that?" "Did that ever skitter across your little tiny brain?" "How about I go home and I tell her right now that you did it all for money?" "What about that, ding-ding?" "Shut up." "You wouldn't do that." " Really?" "Watch this, slut." " No!" " Here I go." " No, wait!" "Please!" "Don't!" "Man!" "Listen, man, me and your wife got something really special going on." "Please don't mess it up for me." "Don't mess it up?" "You're talking about my wife!" "My house!" "My pool!" "Stupid ass." "No, wait!" "Come on!" "You can't do this to me!" "Oh, yes, I can!" "SUZIE:" "Hi." "You're home early." "So, how was that new pool cleaner?" "What do you mean?" "What do you think I mean?" "Did he do a good job cleaning the pool?" "Well, I..." "Did he get all the leaves?" "'Cause it doesn't look really clean." "I'm looking right at it, and it looks pretty goddamn filthy." "Yeah, yeah." "It doesn't look like he did a good job." "I think he did a horrible job, and I don't think we're going to be using him anymore." " Okay." " Okay?" "Are you sure you're feeling okay, Joel?" "Can I take you to the doctor?" "Nope!" " Do you want some aspirin?" " No, thank you!" "How about some raisins?" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "(CAR ALARM BEEPS)" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" " Hey, Step." " Joel!" "Come on in." "Great." "This is my half-brother, Phil." " Well, let's go out back." " All right." "Hey, hey!" "Close the door." "Sorry." "So, you're dating Cindy, huh?" "Yes, sir." "She's my girlfriend." "We might even get married after all this lawsuit settlement stuff gets settled." "Huh." "Step, you might want to be careful with her." "What do you mean?" "Does she got an STD?" "I just..." "Step, I'm not sure how to put this, but, you know, you have got a lot of money coming your way from the settlement." "You might want to be careful with her." "Joel, I know Cindy has got her problems, but she means well." "She's the best thing that's ever happened to me." "Step, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I just want you to think about this, you know." "If you go beyond the settlement, you continue with the lawsuit, you could bankrupt that company." "And people are going to lose their jobs, a lot of people are gonna be pissed off at you, so..." "No, I ain't worried about that." "I can kick anybody's ass at that whole company." "Yeah." "PHIL:" "Well, I'm gonna kick somebody's ass if you don't close that screen door!" "Brad, we can't." "I'm sorry." " We have to stop doing this." " Why?" "Because it's not right, and I feel horrible, and you have to start cleaning the pool." "(FLIES BUZZING)" "But I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I've been with a lot of chicks." "Okay, look, Brad." "I love my husband." "I really do." "And this was a mistake." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what got into me." "I was bored and frustrated, and I was not feeling particularly pretty." "But we just..." "We have to stop this." "This has made me realize I really want to make my marriage work." "I'm sorry." "This doesn't mean that we can't still see each other, though, right?" "Yes, that's..." "That's exactly what it means." "Why?" "Because of everything that I just said." "Do you need me to say it again?" "(SIGHS)" "Can I see you tomorrow?" " No." " Can I see you Thursday?" " No." " Can I see you Friday?" "Okay." "You know what?" "You have to go." "Come on." " I'll call you tomorrow." " Okay." "Okay." "Just..." "Okay." "We'll talk about it later." "Oh, my God." "What a moron." " Hey." "Are you ready?" " Huh?" "The meeting with Step's lawyer, or lawyers." " It's today, remember?" "Now." " Shit." "I should fire all three of you because you laughed at me when I bought those bus-bench ads." "But this Step guy?" "He's the Holy Grail." "You see, if both his balls had been knocked clean off, he'd be a good case, but not a great case." "A man with no balls is no man at all." "And a jury will never feel they can walk in the shoes of a ball-less, neutered, he-she freak." "But Step?" "He's got one ball, barely." "To a jury he's still a man, and that manhood is hanging on by a thread." "I'm telling you, this guy is a Powerball jackpot." "The fucking..." "Hello." "I'm Joe Adler." " Hi, Joe." "Brian." "This is Joel." " Nice to see you." " How are you?" " Hi." "You see those guys up there?" "I heard those are the guys from General Mills." "Look, if they're gonna sell this place and cash out and leave me with no job, then I should get some of that cash, man." "I mean, it's only fair." "I've been working here for, like, two years." "It's bullshit, man." "I work my ass off." "Remember, Hector, I was telling you how hard I worked my ass off?" "I've been working here 14 years." "We can get jobs at GemCo like that." "And at GemCo, all the employees are owners." "It even says so on the nametags." "But the thing is, I don't want to work at GemCo." "GemCo sucks, man." "They make you do calisthenics." "Yeah." "That's right." "We could work at Southwest Airlines." "But I don't want to work at Southwest, either." "They make you do the limbo." "That is messed up." "Yeah, I would be the laughingstock of the grindcore community." "If we quit, this place couldn't run." "They wouldn't be able to sell this place for anything." "Well, that's why what we should do is, is we should all go on strike, demand stock in the company before it sells." "If General Mills knew that we were on strike, they would not buy this place until that strike was over." "See, that way, Joel and Brian would have to give us stock." "Yeah." "We should do it." "We should strike." "That's what I've been saying this whole time." "We've gone through everything, and the only way we would even consider a settlement would be to the tune of the number you see on the bottom of Page 18." "Does everyone have this?" "What?" "We don't have this kind of money, not even close." "Not in cash, you don't." "Of course not." "But if you were to sell off your assets, the property lease, the equipment..." "Are you..." "Are you shitting me?" "This would bankrupt us." "This is what I've been trying to tell you about, Joel." "If you think that I'm just going to give up this entire company that I've built from the ground up..." "How about what my client gave up?" "His testicles!" "How about that?" "In fact, I'll make a deal with you." "We will drop this case right now if you come over here and put your testicles right here and let me slam this door like this!" "Go ahead." "We can settle this right now." "Call it even." "I will drop this case right now if you let me slam your balls in this door, because that's what happened to my client!" "Yep." "Those are definitely the guys from General Mills." "Now, you see that?" "That is a negotiation going on right there." "That is definitely what that looks like to me." "What are we going to do?" "I got car payments." "They're going to take away my Geo." "They've done it before." "We got to act fast." "They could be about to close the deal." "Yeah, and leave us out in the cold." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Are we going to lose our jobs?" "We very well could, Hector." "We need to do one of those walkouts." "That's what we need to do." "All right." "Who's in?" "We need a show of force." "Come on!" "It's now or never!" "Come on, people." "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Let's do this!" "Yeah!" "MAN:" "Let's go." "WOMAN:" "Let's do it." "(MUMBLES IN SPANISH)" "I will gladly come down on that price if you go over there right now and slam your testicles in that door..." "I don't want to slam my testicles in the door." "I want you to be reasonable." " You won't even budge one penny?" " Like I said, if you slam your..." "I'll slam your balls in that door!" "I'm sorry." "Did you just threaten me?" " Why don't you give it a rest?" " We need to cool off for just a minute." "We'll be right back." "I don't need this." "I'm going home." "Yeah, what?" "What?" "Um, what's up, Joel?" "Basically, we were..." "We were thinking..." "We were just thinking..." "Well, Rory had initially pointed out that you guys are doing this deal with General Mills, and we just think that..." "Well, we were considering the idea..." "We think that maybe we should get a piece of it." "And, you know, so what we decided is..." "What everybody has decided is that if we don't, then what we're gonna do is, we're gonna..." "Hang on." "You want a piece?" "Right?" " Yeah." " Yeah, if we could." "How about the whole goddamn company?" " Sure." " JOEL:" "You got it!" "Everybody gets the whole place!" "You guys run it, okay?" "Everybody's in charge." "As of now." "In fact, you guys can pay for the new conveyor belt and the lawsuit." "You can go meet with Adler, okay?" "He might slam your balls in the door, but at least you'll be the boss." "Okay?" "(WHOOPS)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(EMPLOYEES MURMURING)" "So, was that good, or... (BELL RINGING)" "I was going to say more, but you interrupted me, and I..." "MAN:" "Our lunch buffet features all the food you love at a great..." "ANNOUNCER 1:" "Vandella will make the turn, he moves to second." "He's got himself a double." "Big turn at second." "He throws on the brakes." "He'll stay there." "ANNOUNCER 2:" "Well, he just turned on that pitch." "What can we say?" "I think four innings is all Berot can handle, and he hasn't handled the fourth inning." "With two doubles..." "Listen, Joel, I need to tell you something." "You've been really busy at the factory for the last couple years, and ever since I started working at home, it seems like, I don't know, maybe I just wasn't feeling as pretty as I used to feel, and I just..." " You banged the pool cleaner." " What?" " Is that what you're trying to tell me?" "You had sex with Brad." " You knew?" " Yeah, I knew." "I hired him." "Yeah, I know you hired him, but how did you know that..." "I didn't hire him to clean the pool." "I hired him to have sex with you." "What?" "Wait..." "Why?" "I hired him to have an affair with you, because I wanted to have an affair and not feel guilty, but I was very, very drunk, and I was on some kind of a horse tranquilizer." "Brad was getting paid?" "You paid Brad this whole time?" "All 15 times?" "Fifteen?" " Yes." " Jesus Christ." "Has it even been 15 days?" "Unbelievable." "How can you even sit down?" "Wait, you wanted to have an affair with another woman?" "Um, yes, but I didn't." "Why didn't you just talk to me about it?" "I was going to, but, you know," "Dean, you know, he gave me some pill." "God, you asshole." " I'm the asshole?" " Yes!" "I'm leaving." "Suzie, technically I didn't even do anything." "You could've just said, "No, thanks, just clean the pool."" "None of this would've happened if you hadn't hired him." "Hey, guys." "Glad I caught you." "You guys hardly ever answer the door." " Now's not a really good time." " I'm leaving." "When do you think would be a good time, you think?" "I don't know." "I don't know." " See, the thing is..." " How about tomorrow?" " You want to come by tomorrow?" " Great." " Okay?" " What time?" "I don't know." "Just sometime tomorrow would be great." "Okay, great." "So, if you could go and have that check, that would be great." " It's 110." " Okay." " That's two plates at $55 a plate." " Okay, okay." " I'm going to close this." " Okay." "(INAUDIBLE)" " Joel?" " Hi." "Hey, what..." "How did you know that I was here?" "I'm actually staying here, too." "I thought I saw you, so..." "Come in." "Sorry." "Do you want something to drink?" "I have soda." "No, thanks." "Listen, I am so sorry about what happened with Willie." "He gets crazy." "That's why I had to move out, so, have a seat." " That's Mary's purse, right?" " Huh?" "Right there." "That's Mary's purse, right?" "Uh, no, that's my bag." "So, wait." "How are things at work?" "How is everybody?" "This is Mary's purse, and you stole it." "Am I right?" "Joel, that's my bag." "It probably just looks like hers." "You know, there's a lot of them out there." "I have never seen another one." "Or another teddy in a fucking tutu." " Now, what are you doing with Step?" " Huh?" "You're the only reason that he's suing this company, right?" "Do you have any idea how much work I put into building up that company?" "Do you have any clue?" "Do you care?" "I'm gonna go." "I'm gonna take this." "If it really is your bag, you can call the police, you can tell them that I stole it." "All right?" "On second thought, I'm gonna call them right now and I'm gonna tell them that you stole it." " Joel, please don't." " Why?" "Joel, please don't call the police." "I'm on probation, and I will go to jail for a really long time." "Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you started ripping off my employees." "Joel, please?" "Listen, I promise you" "I will leave Step alone and he will drop the lawsuit." "How do I know that?" "You can keep the bag." "If I don't leave Step alone, if he doesn't drop the lawsuit, then you can turn me in." "Yeah, that..." "And Sylvia's wallet and Jim's watch?" "You got those?" "Can I have those, too?" "I guess that works." "I mean, great." "I bet you weren't even into food flavoring, were you?" "Mmm-mmm." "What is your deal?" "How do you end up like this?" "(SOBBING)" "Hey?" "Hey?" "This is what I'm talking about." "This manipulation here with the tears." "I'm not gonna fall for that." "Forget it." "You better not be faking it, okay, because I'm actually feeling bad." "Hello?" "Are you faking it?" "Well, I'm sorry." "You know, I just..." "You know, I just..." "I was just curious about how somebody ends up like this." "All right." "Just... (SHUSHING)" "Very sorry." "Okay?" "Don't worry about it." "I just thought I'd just ask how a..." "Cindy?" "Cindy?" "Shit." "(SINGING) Who were you thinking of when we were making love last night?" "Was it a good-looking stranger or a close friend of mine?" "You didn't want to quit when we was into it last night" "Joel hasn't been in all morning." "Can you believe that?" "If we come in late, we get in trouble." "Mmm-hmm." "(GASPS)" "And Hector didn't steal it." "Cindy did." "Can you believe that?" "Blaming Cindy just to protect Hector." "Typical." "We really do need to go to the grocery store, Step." "You heard from Cindy lately?" "It's been over three days since she borrowed your truck." "Maybe we ought to call the cops or something..." "Look, she'll be back, all right?" "She wouldn't steal my truck." "Okay." "That's the last bottle of Pepsi." "Maybe I'll just call Domino's and have them deliver some Pepsi." "Still, if she didn't steal your truck and she didn't get into an accident, what do you reckon..." "Shut up about Cindy, already, before I kick your fat ass!" "WOMAN:" "Domino's." "Hello, Mr. Wilkinson." "Hello." " BRIAN:" "Hey." " Hey, Brian." "Step's here to see you." "Is he?" "Great." "Bring him in." "He's outside at the loading dock." "He wants to talk to you alone out there for some reason." "You know?" "Man to man." "I'm sick and tired of dealing with that Adler fellow." "Truth is, I just want my old life back." "I just wanna get back to work." "You know?" "I'm a working man." "That's what I do." "The problem is, if I bankrupt the company, there won't be a job for me to go back to." "You don't have to bankrupt the company." "Well, if I drop the lawsuit, you'll sell the company, and the new company, well, who'd want to hire somebody with one ball?" "Well, you know, listen, I don't think they're actually allowed to ask, so you're okay." "You know, I'm a working man, too, Step." "You know?" "I make extract." "That's what I do." "You know?" "Vanilla." "Cherry." "Root beer." "S'mores." "And a lot of people don't think that that's very cool, but I think that it is pretty cool, so," "why would I want to sell this place?" "I think that I just got distracted with Dean and the drugs and the gigolos and..." "You know, what I'm saying is that I'm thinking about maybe not selling the company." "That is, if there isn't a lawsuit." "There is going to be that insurance money, Step, so what do you think?" "Yeah, that sounds fair to me." "But under one condition." "What's that?" "You make me floor manager." "(WHISTLES)" "Hold the line!" "(BELL RINGING)" "Thank you." "Okay." "Everybody gather around!" "Listen up!" "Okay." "First of all, I want to say that I've decided not to sell the company." "All right?" "And, secondly, I'm making Step here the new floor manager." "Anybody doesn't like that, I hear they're hiring over at GemCo." "Remember, though, at GemCo, the owner doesn't know your names." "You'll probably never even meet him." "He's, like, in some corporate office somewhere." "Here, you know, I'm just upstairs." "You can come up there and you can tell me if you got a problem, okay?" "That's all." "Okay?" "Step, the floor is yours." "(MARY SCOFFS)" "You're not selling?" "(BELL RINGING)" "I'm not selling." "You better start learning their names, Brian." "(GROANS)" " You just go off to work and do..." " Yeah." "Hey!" "You two get back to work!" "Quit your yapping." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Hey, man." "Look, I know you probably want to kick my ass." "I just wanted to tell you that I'm not gonna see Suzie anymore, so you don't have to worry." "She's really into you, dude." "I guess that's why she married you and shit." "Whatever." "You're a really lucky guy, and I'm sorry if I messed shit up." "Why'd you have to get hung up on Suzie?" "You could have any girl you want." "Yeah, but I want Suzie." "I can't have her." "You had her 15 times." "Well, yeah." "But she doesn't love me, dude." "It's just not the same." " Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that." " All right." "You told me." "All right." "Later." "Hey, so, I was wondering, I quit my landscaping job, and I don't really think I'm cut out for the whole gigolo thing." "You know?" "So, do you think you might have, like, an opening or whatever at the extract plant?" "I'm not going to give you a job." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Or just come by the office and fill out an application." "I'll see what I can do, okay?" "Cool." "Thanks, man." "There he goes." "Johnny Horse-cock." "Rolling." "You know, I'm starting to think this might have been a mistake." " Really?" " Maybe it was my fault, you know?" " Maybe it was your fault." " No, it's yours." "A lot of blame to go around here." "I think there are some people who just aren't meant to do drugs, Joel." "I think you're one of those people, man." "Hello?" "Shit." "Why are you cleaning the pool yourself?" "New guy didn't work out?" "Yeah, no, didn't work out." "Boy, it's just hard to get good help, huh?" "Yeah." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hey." "Did you get a chance to write that check?" "Nathan, Joel and I are not going to that dinner." "Okay?" "Gee, I wish you would have told me that before I went and bought those tickets." "Joel never agreed to it, and neither did I." "Well, it sure sounded like you guys were coming." "I mean, Leslie was going to talk to you about it, but you don't return our calls." "I mean, I already bought those tickets, and they're non-refundable." "I really wish you guys had been a little more clear with me." "Well, then, let me be clear with you now." "When we say things like, "I don't think so,"" "or "I'm not sure,"" "or we close the door in your face, that means, "No."" "Why can't you get that?" " Well, it..." " Shut up!" "Okay." "Let me be even more clear with you, Nathan." "We don't like you." "Is that clear enough for you?" "You're dull." "You talk too much." "You never listen." "You're always in our yard." "I don't know what the hell you're barbecuing over there, but it stinks." "You lay out in your front yard and listen to your car radio!" "You are the worst neighbor in the world." "We don't like you." "Is that clear enough for you, Nathan?" "Is that clear?" "Shut up!" "Nathan?" "Nathan?" "Nathan?" "(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING)" "(CHATTERING)" " Hi." " Hi." "Are you okay?" "I think I might have killed him, Joel." "The last thing he heard was me yelling at him to shut up." "Well, he did talk a lot." "Yeah." "He was going on and on." "I finally lost it." "I'm sure it wasn't your fault." "Probably just a coincidence, you know." "I don't know." "I just..." "I still feel really guilty about it." "I actually told Leslie I would go to that Rotary Club dinner tonight." "She said Nathan would have wanted it that way." "I said I'd go to that, too." "Oh." "So, who was this woman that you wanted to have the affair with, anyway?" "She was just some criminal drifter." "It wasn't that great." "You know, I thought that she was really into food flavoring and..." " Really?" " Yeah, I should have known better." "Nobody's into food flavoring." "Well, I don't know." "I mean, you guys sell a lot of that stuff." "People are into it." "You should know, by the way," "I hired Brad." "Yeah, I know." "You told me that, remember?" "The whole..." "No, sorry, not for the sex thing or the pool." "I mean that I hired him for the factory." "Why?" "He's a total moron." "Yeah, I know." "This is going to sound kind of weird, but I felt sorry for him." "Yeah." "So did I." "Well, my car's over here, so," "I guess I'll see you at the Rotary Club?" "Yeah, I'll see you there." "Suzie?" "Should we maybe just take one car?" "Yeah." "We probably should." "Yeah." "I thought that was a surprisingly tasteful funeral." "JOEL:" "Yes, it was." "You know, when I was looking down on him, I thought," ""This might be the longest I've ever seen him with his mouth shut."" "SUZIE:" "Yeah." "I didn't expect that many mourners." "There were a lot of people there." "JOEL:" "Yeah." "(SINGING) You have been a friend of mine, rainy day woman" "That woman of mine, she ain't happy" "Till she finds something wrong and someone to blame" "If it ain't one thing, it's another one on the way" "(PHONE RINGING)" "ON ANSWERING MACHINE:" "Hey." "You've reached Cindy." "I'm not here, so leave a message." "Where the hell is she?" "How long does it take to get some goddamned cigarettes around here?" "VALET:" "Here you are, sir." "JOE:" "What the fuck?" "Oh, rainy day woman" "I've never seem to see you for the good times or the sunshine" "You have been a friend of mine, rainy day woman" "Woman"