"I didn't mean to." "I didn't mean to." "Room's bugged." " Bugged?" "!" " Yeah." " What are you doing here?" " We need to talk." " We'd better go outdoors." " No, no." "What on earth is going on, Barbara?" "camilla's keeping an eye on her investment." " What investment?" " You, Joyce." "You." "But she's already got the detonator with my fingerprints on it." " And threatened to kill Jeremy." " You could be the one to bring her down." "I'm a housewife, Barbara, not a hit woman!" "The more involved you are the more chance we've got of sending her to prison!" "Oh, hell!" "Look in the mirror, Joyce." "Come on." "What do you see?" "A woman who can't relax with a husband that thinks she's hit early menopause." "I see Joan of Arc in a cornflower dress holding aloft a Beretta nine-miIIimetre automatic pistol, fighting for the moral heart of little Stempington." "What are my underpants doing on the lamp?" "Now might be a good time to put them on." "I was hoping we might christen the power shower." " Oh, my God!" " hello, Jerry." "Barbara du Prez." "Nice to meet you at last." "I was just passing and urgently needed to spend a penny." "Must be off." "Ooh." "A small gift to welcome you to little Stempington, sir." "Very kind of you, Haines." "I was gonna buy you a teddy bear with a policeman's helmet but that's what I got your predecessor." "apparently it was in the car when the brakes failed." " Tragic business." " Yeah, well..." "I just try and remember the good times, sir." "He had a real way about him, that one, especially with the ladies of the community." "well, I think some of that must have rubbed off on me." "Found one in my bathroom this morning." "I'm sure Mrs HazIedine had something to say about that, sir." "Mrs HazIedine invited her in, actually." "In the words of the great Annie Lennox, sisters are doing it for themselves." "well, I hope the women of little Stempington aren't all quite so forthright." " I think you'II find they are, sir." " really?" "absolutely, sir." "extremely close knit community." "Like a tight pair of trousers." "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "Four!" "Go lower!" "feel the stretch all the way down!" "Work it, girls." "Here we go." "Forward." "And back." "Work those hips." "Good." "Yeah." "Loving that." "Dig deeper." "Yeah, deeper." "Deeper still." "You constantly surprise me, Joyce." "Not many people can take one of Desmond's Burn To The Max sessions." "What do you think about elective caesarean, Joyce?" "Why wouldn't one have natural childbirth?" "Are you on Tamazepam or something?" "actually, I found having bill a profoundly beautiful experience." "Must have left the curtains billowing a bit, though." "Joyce probably doesn't put the miles on the clock that you do." "actually, my love tunnel's still honeymoon fresh." "Cut the crap, girls." "Time for Joyce to accept her destiny." "Oh!" "please don't kill me!" "Goodness me, no." "If there's any killing to be done today, Joyce, you'II be the one doing it." "Sorry about that, sir." "Must have knocked it with my knee." " almost forgot what it sounds like." " Ah, yes." "WouIdn't that be nice?" "No, really, sir." "We haven't used it for over two years." "What do you do if there's a break-in or an assault?" "No such thing in little Stempington, sir." "I'm sure it's very different to London, what with all the guns and murders." "And beheadings." "But you must get trouble sometimes." "A scuffle at the pub at closing time." "closest we got was a six-year-oId going berserk with a plastic light sabre in WooIies." "I let him off with a caution." "well, make a welcome change from inner-city policing." "And all the putrefied dismembered corpses floating down the Thames, eh, sir?" "Thanks for that, Haines." "You're welcome, sir." " They've left the gym." " Is Joyce on board?" " Cosied up in the back." " Good." "Get a move on, Iaddie, or you'II be scrubbing your own spleen off that wall." "The woman with the roadkill hairdo is felicity Faversham." "she slaps on the meals On wheels crowd." " That can't be much, surely." " At £8.20 a day per book, we made £16,000 last year." "£16,000?" "!" "It's only the price of an upmarket boob job." "And for reasons you'II discover, our income needs to rise dramatically." "felicity doesn't understand the concept of inflation." "She's refusing to raise the charges to 15 a day." "And you're going to make sure she complies, Joyce." " Me?" "!" " call it your initiation, if you Iike." "But where are you going?" "I might get my brazilian trimmed." "Again?" "The girls at that salon must think you use MiracIe-Gro." "LiIIian and I will be in the Tudor kettle listening in over a skinny latte." " What if she won't do what I say?" " Then shoot her in the tits." "clear the library, Joyce." "Right." "I'm sorry but the library's closing early today." "Sorry, sir, but we're closing early today." "Sorry, sir, but the library's closing early today." "Excuse me." "What exactly are you doing?" "Hi." "You must be felicity." "I'm Joyce HazIedine." "How do you do?" "Fuck the niceties, Joyce, this is business." " I need to talk to you." " About what?" "You've been a naughty girl and I'm here to punish you." "slap her, Joyce." "Are you with the Care in the Community programme?" "No, I'm with camilla Diamond." " You don't look like one of hers." " Go in hard." "Imagine you just caught her cupping Jeremy's testicles." "They only bring me in for special jobs." "I've already told them, I can't put the fines up again." " Cut her to pieces, Joyce." " I really think you should." "please." " And what will you do about it if I don't?" " Hurt her." " Hurt her?" " Hurt who?" " lt's the only language she'll understand." " I don't want to use the gun." " LiIIian says use a choking hold." " A choking hold?" "Are the voices in your head confusing you?" "This is your last chance." "Look, why don't you let me call someone who can help?" "Shoot her." "I'II shoot your bosoms off, you silly woman!" "Don't hurt me, please!" "I'm going to need some time!" "Send out a circular, issue a new ticketing system, reset the computer." "Do I Iook like a woman with time on my hands?" "Do I?" "Do I?" "Do I?" "OK!" "OK, I'II do it right now." "You will?" "Oh, that's marvellous!" "What happened to the book worm?" "She's dead." "You're a dark horse, Joyce." "It was an accident." "I didn't mean to do it." "Don't get your knickers in a twist." "These things happen." "Are neither of you listening?" "I just killed someone!" "calm down." "Order yourself a decaf mochaccino." "I will clean this up." "Anyone who says killing is easy has never actually done it." "I cope with it by arranging the body so it looks dignified, not Iike the contorted, legs akimbo stuff you see on CSI." " Where's camilla?" " She's gone home via the fishmongers." " Can I go home now?" "I'm afraid not, sweetie." "You've got a party to go to." "Joyce, do you want to borrow a fresh thong?" "I always keep a couple of spares just in case." "In case of what?" "In case she goes dogging in the car park at PC world." "jewel." " This is Joyce." " I know that, silly." "I've heard loads about you already." "Mummy says you've got a gorgeous son called bill." "I Iike your two-piece, jewel." "Thanks, Auntie hilary." "I'II bet it's a real cock magnet." " Try it on if you Iike." " I would if I was stopping." "Cheer up, Joyce." "You look like someone just died." "I have to get back to Jeremy!" "Joyce is here, Mummy." "darling, hi!" "What a great crowd!" " What are you doing here?" " I have to take the rap for that one, Joyce." "I thought I'd surprise you." "I dropped by the station and told our fabulous chief inspector all about our nightmare day." "I'm sorry to hear that the fundraiser at the library didn't go well." "I'm so pleased you're making new friends, though." "I hear you threw a real Gary oldman." "congratulations." " This is Stuart, my better half." " Fantastic to meet you, Joyce." "Fantastic." "I hear camilla's taken you under her wing." "This is Raymond." "And Barbara, of course, you know already." "You're looking a bit overdressed there." "Ray's a bit of a joker, I'm afraid, Joyce." "I can see we're all going to be one big, happy family." "Cheers." "I don't know how you can be so casual about what happened today." "Don't be silly." "We can always get a new librarian." "What if she's got a husband and children?" "I can't imagine what they must..." "She was a lesbian spinster who prayed on teenage single mothers." " really?" " really." "Let's talk about something important." "I expect you're wondering why I brought you along today." "The truth is I see something of myself in you." "Determination, a physical prowess, a killer instinct, things that have taken me to the pinnacle of the little Stempington food chain." "Spoken like ChurchiII." "although I think his tits were above his waist." "I don't know about you, Joyce, but I really hate a bad loser." "You're wrong if you think the spoils have already been divided." "I think Joyce's colours are already nailed to the mast." "Now if you don't mind, we're supposed to be socialising." "Now remember, Joyce, appearances are everything." "The fishmonger must have thought he'd won the lottery!" "I always persuade him to give me a discount." "Isn't she bloody wonderful?" "Don't know how she does it." "And how are you finding the criminal element of little Stempington?" " MercifuIIy absent." " We've always felt very safe here." " Are you feeling better?" " I want to go home." "Oh, is there any left for me?" "Mm, help yourself, darling." "Oh, that looks nice." "Mind if I try some?" "That's salty." "When does bill get back from his voluntary work in Africa, Jeremy?" " Any day now." " How long has he been over there?" " almost six months." " feels like forever." "He starts his theology degree in the autumn." "Have you got a photo, Joyce?" "jewel loves a boy with a big brain." "He looks like Tarzan with A levels." " Thank you, darling." " What's that?" " Baked alaska." " No, I mean the tablets." "Just something to perk everyone up before the petits fours." " Viagra?" "!" "You must be joking!" " You won't think I'm joking in the morning." " Fancy getting your feet wet?" " I think Jeremy and I should be going." "Looks to me like you might be in an army of one there." "How about it, darling?" "I'm sure that Stuart will teach you his periscope trick." "I think we should definitely go." "Want a strip and dip, Joyce?" "Joyce is ducking out, I'm afraid, Ray." "Oh, shame!" "well, it was great to meet you both." "Hope to see a Iot more of you soon." "well, if I can't persuade you to stay." "You simply must join in the aquatics next time, Jerry." "I'II call you tomorrow, Joyce." "Looks like you're first for a hot tub spitroasting then, MiIIie." " I want to leave little Stempington." " What?" "!" "I don't like the place." "I don't like the people." "It was a mistake us coming here." "Can we just pack a suitcase when we get home and go?" "I'm sure all that hot-tub stuff was just a bit of harmless fun." "Anyway, I thought the point was for us to spend some quality time together." "Reconnect with each other." "And I've gotta say, I'm really feeling a Iot less tense already." " I'II put the car in the garage." " Don't keep me waiting too long... ..sex kitten." "Oh, my God!" "Barbara, what are you doing there?" "Sorry, Joyce." "There's something I need to explain." "You're the Iast person I expected to see at camilla's." "Listen." "Ray and Stuart have been best friends forever." "They should never find out about our feud." "I killed someone today." " No you didn't, Joyce." " I saw her fall." "Onto a pile of strategically placed cardboard boxes." " She's one of ours." "Remember, Joyce, things around here aren't always as they seem." "The tougher camilla thinks you are, the better it is for us." " Not again, surely, Jeremy!" " Come on, Joyce." "Just one more time." " Do you want me on my tummy this time?" " Ja, ja, baby!" "Deine arse is so sexy!" "Oh!" "Oh, ja!" "Jeremy, I can't get my leg up there." "Oh, come on, poppet." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "You with me, poppet?" "Ohh..." "Oh, baby!" "Oh, ja, ja!" "Du bist supersexy!" "Ich komme!" "Ich komme!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, poppet!"