"Hey, I got a little surprise for you." "Whatever it is, I approve." "You have more than earned my trust and respect in the bedroom." "Aww." "Molly, thank you." "Hang on." "Was there some anniversary or special occasion I was supposed to remember?" " No occasion." "It's just a little something I saw that screamed "Mike."" "What a coincidence." "I saw something last night that screamed "Mike."" " Three times." " Just open it." "Oh, boy, cowboy boots!" " How did you know?" " Well, you told me that story about the boots you had and how you stopped wearing them when the other boys made fun of you." "Yeah, you get called Belly the Kid enough, it sours you on Western footwear." " I can't believe you remembered that." " Of course I remembered." "Just like you remember the stories I tell you." "Right." " Don't worry, I'm not gonna quiz you." " Thank you." "They should fit." "I took your shoes to the boot store to make sure I got the right size." "Smart." "That way you didn't have to pour plaster into one of my footprints." "Oh, my God, these are amazing." "Is that real rattlesnake?" "Hundred percent." "Can you imagine how many snakes had to die?" "Hey, screw them." "Better on my feet than biting people and swallowing eggs." "Well, you look very handsome in them, cowboy." "Yeah." "They do kind of work on me, don't they?" " I don't know how to thank you." " I got a couple ideas if you're interested, partner." "Yeah, I'd be mighty happy to oblige, ma'am." "Just let me pull my boots off." "No, no." "Leave the boots on." "But take off everything else." "You know cowboy boots aren't regulation police wear." "Neither is the leopard-print thong you're wearing underneath your uniform." "First of all, it's not a thong, it's a jockstrap." "And it's not leopard print, it's camouflage." "It must come in handy when you need to hide your junk in someone's salad." "What do you want?" "Is that how you greet paying customers?" "Oh, so you're paying now?" " Figure of speech." " What's the matter with you this morning?" "Two busboys and a waiter called in sick." "I had to walk in the freezing rain because my bicycle was stolen." "You want us to file a report?" "We might find it." "If you're going to play detective, I'd prefer you find my car." "Which was stolen a year ago and the reason I'm riding a bicycle in the first place." "We'll have two breakfast specials." "You'll have whatever I bring you and you'll like it." "Yes, we will." "So why did Molly buy you those boots anyway?" " You have an anniversary?" " No, that's the beauty of it." "She bought them just because she was thinking about me." "Like that puka-shell necklace I got you in Fort Lauderdale that you never wear." "Sorry, I'm not a puka shell kind of guy." " Who doesn't like puka shells?" " Everybody." "Except you, Aquaman and Don Ho." "My point is, I've never gotten this kind of attention from a woman before." "It makes me feel kind of..." "I don't know, sexy." "Yeah, now you know how I feel about my camo jock." "It's like having a Rambo in my pants." " Oatmeal or pudding?" " I'll have the oatmeal." "Don't go in there." "That tunnel is just painted on." "Beep-beep!" "Why don't you ever listen to me?" "You shouldn't get so involved in that show." "Yeah, I'm starting to think that dog is never gonna catch that chicken." "Where are you going?" "Mike's picking me up and we're gonna go to an OA meeting." "How did he like the cowboy boots?" "It was so cute." "I mean, his whole face lit up like a little boy's." "So you guys are getting pretty serious, huh?" "I think so." "I mean, I don't wanna jinx it but I think we're headed towards a really good place." "I love this stage in a relationship." "You're getting comfortable with each other and nobody's gotten a restraining order or asked you to have a three-way with their cleaning lady." "Yeah, it's a magical time." "Hey, Moonface, how are you?" " What are you doing here, Vince?" " I'm taking your mom out for a nice dinner and for one of those carriage rides along the lake." "It's kind of romantic if you don't mind the smell of hot, steaming horse crap." "Wait a second." "You're dating my mother?" "Hey, old soup's still good if you heat it up." "Mom!" "Well, come on in, I guess, but stay close to the door." "No problem." "Hey, there she is." "The reason God created tube tops and hands." "You wanna go wait on the porch?" "Hey, Vin." "Boy, you're looking very handsome this evening." "Thanks." "I had some fat sucked out of my neck wattle." "Well, it's nice." "It really separates your shoulders from your head." "We should probably shake a tail feather." "The buffet already started, and after an hour the calamari starts looking like deep-fried anuses." "I know he's not your father, but he treats me like a queen and you can crack walnuts on his johnson." " Let's never eat walnuts around him." " Deal." "I gotta tell you, folks, things have been going pretty well for me." "My job, my personal life." "And as a result, my attitude's better." "I'm losing weight without thinking about it." "Get this, last Tuesday, I forgot to eat lunch." "Crazy, right?" "That never happens." "I've forgotten I've eaten lunch on a number of occasions so I had to eat again, just in case." "But this is monumental." "I've forgotten to take the gas nozzle out of my car I have forgotten my gun was loaded, but I have never forgotten lunch." "Anyway, long story short, you're looking at a happy, confident slightly smaller man than you saw one week ago." "Win the battle here, win the battle here." "No glory, no guts." "Happy trails, mi amigos." "You were cute up there tonight." "You're saying that because you're sweet on me." "Both can be true." "Hey, wanna go upstairs and make out in the confessional?" "Absolutely." "It's been almost a week since my last confession." "Hi." " Hello." " I just wanted to say that I really loved your share." "Oh, thank you." " I'm Jill." " Mike." "I know." "Heh." "I love your boots." "I just moved here from Texas so I'm kind of a sucker for a man in cowboy boots." "This is Molly." "She's a friend of mine." "Hi, I'm Molly." "Mike's friend." " Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." "Listen, I don't have a sponsor yet, and I'd love for it to be you." "Really?" "Wow, nobody's ever asked me to be their sponsor before." " Let me give you my number." " Great." "I don't have a pen." "Seriously?" "Sure, what are friends for?" "Gonna tell me what's wrong or do I have to guess?" "I bet if you thought really hard about it, you could figure it out, friend." "That's what you're mad about?" "Because I introduced you as my friend?" " That's what I'm so mad about." " What are you saying?" "We're not friends?" "This is just sex for you?" "It's more than that for me." "Oh, no, don't you dare turn this around." "You know exactly what you did." "She asked me to be her sponsor." "Just because she's pretty I'm not supposed to help her?" "Not that I think she's pretty." "You flirted, plain and simple." " Why don't you admit it?" " I did not flirt with her." "She may have been flirting." "Can't control that." "In a way, isn't that a compliment to you?" "Do you want me to leave?" " Yes." " No." "Okay, I'll stay, but I'll cover my eyes." " Should we go upstairs and talk?" " I don't think there's anything to talk about." "So, what, should I just leave?" "Well, I'm sure you could go find some of your friends to hang out with." "Right." " Those boots really do look cute on him." " I know they do!" "Oh, heh." "Oh, baby, you are nasty." "Do what?" "Okay, hang on." "All right, I'm on my hands and knees." "What?" "Bark like a dog?" "Is this the Busty Asians Chatline?" "Oh, damn, I dialed wrong." "Sick people out there." "Call before you come by." "I've been trying to call for the last 45 minutes." "No, really?" "What's 2.99 times 45?" " What?" "Why?" " Never mind." "Come on in." " Thought you were going out with Molly." " I did." "We got in a fight." "About what?" "Some girl at an OA meeting came up and flirted with me." "Molly got all bent out of shape." "Wait, you had another woman hit on you at an OA meeting?" "I need to pack on 80 pounds and get my fat ass to a church basement." "What was the other girl like?" "Was she cute?" "Yeah, if you like dirty blonds from Texas." "I like dirty anything from anywhere." "What am I supposed to do?" "I mean, she approached me." "I hear you, man." "It's not like you took her phone number or anything." "She used Molly's pen to write it down." "Ugh." " Man, what is wrong with you?" " I don't know." " Now, let me ask you." " Yeah?" "How big is this dirty girl?" "Are we talking Texas toast or just Texas?" "Molly, why don't you just call him?" "No, he needs to call me and apologize." "What is the big deal?" "All guys flirt." "If they didn't, we'd have to buy drinks and pay for our own speeding tickets." "And dry cleaning and tires and this dinette set." "It's not just the flirting." "It's that he couldn't acknowledge that I was his girlfriend in public." "Oh, Mol, that happens to me all the time." "Of course, the guy is usually married or a high-ranking public official." "I've been in two motorcades." "Once in the trunk and once under the dashboard." "I just thought Mike was different." "I mean, he was so shy when I met him." "And now, he's strutting around, impressing slutty blonds with his heroic stories of skipping lunch." "You really should cut the guy some slack." "I know he cares about you." "He cares because I have sex with him, and every 25th time he gets a free pair of boots." "Don't we have anything stronger than this?" "There's a bottle of vodka in the freezer." "Or there's a spliff of purple kush in my hand." "Guess it was stupid of me to introduce her as my friend." "Man, you were looking up at stupid with a telescope." " But your instincts were correct." " How so?" "It's not in a man's nature to settle down with one woman." "We're to propagate with multiple partners like they do in the animal kingdom." "What about swans?" "I heard they mate for life." "Who can confirm that?" "I mean, is there some guy following them around all day long?" "I'm sure he'd see that swan playing a little duck, duck, goose every now and then." "Hey, Michael." "How are you, baby?" "I'm all right, Nana." "How was choir practice?" "Well, the new music director is young and full of beans." "I had to pull him aside and tell him, "Brother, the Lord don't need it fancy he just needs it loud."" "So, what are you doing here on a Friday night?" "Don't you have a girlfriend?" "I'm not sure at the moment." "Oh." "What'd you do?" "Why do you assume it was me?" "I'm an old woman, Michael." "Don't waste my time." "Another girl flirted with me." "Now, how is that my fault?" "It's not." "You were just behaving like a natural man." "I see." "And does a natural man tuck his business between his legs and dance in front of the bathroom mirror?" "Grandma, I was 13 years old." "Worst thing I ever saw." "Wanted to take a stick and blind myself." "Now, Michael, did you flirt back?" "Not intentionally, but I was kind of in the zone." "Every time I opened my mouth, something charming fell out." "Hmp." "You don't seem to have that problem now." "Tell me, are you interested in this other woman?" "No, of course not, Nana." "I don't want other women." "Molly's it for me." "She's my girlfriend and I love her." "What did you say?" "I love her." "I'm done looking." "Molly's my swan." "I don't wanna play duck, duck, goose with anybody but her." " Duck, duck what?" " I don't know." "Ask Friar Tuck." "I gotta go." "Thanks, Nana." " I'm so happy for you, baby." " Me too." "Carlton, I hope one day you meet the right girl, fall in love and find the kind of happiness your friend has found." " Thanks." " But until then I guess you're just gonna have to make do with the love of your old grandma." "Well, I could do a lot worse." "Mm-hm." "And you have." "So I guess it is kind of funny." "I put makeup on dead people for a living." "How do you do it?" "I mean, it's weird, right?" "It's gotta be weird." "It was at first." "But then I realized dead people are just like us except they're dead." "I couldn't do it." "I'd be too afraid that their eyes would pop open and they'd try to eat my flesh." "Doesn't happen as often as you think." "Mainly, I just get complaints from family members." "I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say:" ""Hey, you made Grandma look like a whore."" " Cookies." " Cookies." "I ever tell you about the time I went to Mike's and baked him that sugarless, nonfat, nondairy cookies?" "Oh, that sounds awful." "They were." "They tasted like hot dust bunnies." " You know what he said?" " What?" "He said, "Wow, these cookies really suck."" "And then he ate four more." "God, I love that man." " Did you just hear what you said?" " What did I say?" " You said you loved him." " When did I say that?" " Just now." " Really?" "Really." "Son of a gun." "Hot, hot, hot!" "Open!" "Open!" "What's going on?" "Whatever it is, don't stop them." "Molly's in love." "Oh, sweetie, is that true?" " Uh-huh." " Oh." "I'm so happy for you." "Good times, ladies." "Good, good times." "Oh." "I'll get it." "No reason the three of us can't prolong this precious moment." " What are you doing here?" " I had to tell you something." " What?" " First of all I'm sorry I flirted with that other girl." "I didn't initiate it, but I also didn't stop it, and that was wrong." "Well, I'm sorry too." "I shouldn't have made such a big deal about it." "You had every right." "You're my girlfriend, and that's how I should've introduced you." " Okay, so I'm still your girlfriend?" " Of course you are." "And I love my new boots." "Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without them." " Well, I'm glad you like them." " No, you didn't hear me." "I love them." "I love them too." "Taste like Toll House cookies and marijuana." "You shouldn't leave me alone on a Friday night." "It'll never happen again." "So that's the make-up sex I've been hearing about." "Seems like you were madder than you let on." "Well, I'm not gonna lie." "A couple of those scratches were for real, pal." "Well, maybe I should flirt with other women more often." "Joke, joke, joke." "We should probably go to sleep before you piss me off again." "That's a very good idea." " Good night, Molly." " Good night, Mike." "Are you really gonna sleep in those things?" "What can I tell you?" "They make me happy."