"Oh, Mrs Herriot." " Hello, Mrs Hall." "It's good to see you, lass." "I'll take them." "Come on." "Now mind, dogs - come and see who it is." "That's right." "Hello, Helen." "Nice to see you back." "Tristan!" "is James in?" " No, but he'll be back for tea." "Oh, I see." "There then, lads - get out of it." "Don't worry about upstairs, I've spring-cleaned." "Oh..." " Go in and put your feet up." "Thank you, Mrs Hall." "We're all so sorry to hear about your loss." "Your Aunt Lucy were a good woman." "The world's poorer without her." "Yes, it is." " You go on in, I'll make you a hot drink." "Thank you, Mrs Hall." "Now then, Pharaoh, old fellow..." "There we are." "That's it." "Just rub that in, Tristan." "He'll have no more trouble with that ear, Mrs Allenby." "What a relief - he's been tormented by it." "Haven't you, old boy?" "Happily no more." " We're most grateful, Mr Farnon." "Delighted to help." " Thank you." "Oh, by the way - l trust you'll be giving us your support next Friday evening?" "Next Friday, Mrs Allenby?" "You must've surely seen the posters?" "Oh, the quiz?" "Ah, yes, er... I confess it had slipped my mind... I recall the last occasion the Women's Institute met the men of the town in a battle of wits." "It was a very spirited occasion." "The men won if I remember." "Good thing, too." "A sound demonstration of superiority to keep the ladies in their place, eh?" "I trust you make that remark in jest, young man?" "Though I fail to see the humour in it." "My brother's being flippant." "We'll be there to see you give a good account of yourselves." "The ladies will have their revenge." "Come along, Pharaoh." "Oh, I'm so sorry - your, erm..." "Any reference to their defeat by the men causes her acute distress." "Hang it all, it's only a friendly quiz." "Friendly?" "It was a savage, bloody encounter - no quarter asked or given." "The result nearly caused a riot." "It divided Darrowby for weeks." "It'll be no different this time." " Fun, though." "It's a deadly serious business." "My advice is to take no sides in the matter." "Hello." " James... I'm sorry I wasn't here..." " Good to see you." "I tried to get back sooner..." " You're back." "That's all that matters." "I'll make some tea." " No, leave that." "Come and sit down." "Go on, sit down." "You look tired." " l'm fine, really." "Well, there has been a great deal of female distraction." "Mabel Grimshaw and her blocked udder." "Suzy Barclay, a ravishing young sow, we're having trouble with her litter." "Helen?" " l'm sorry." "No, I understand." "It's a bit rough, eh?" "I haven't helped much, have I?" "There wasn't anything you could do." "I could've gone to the funeral." " l know you would've done if you could." "Delayed shock, I suppose." "This is the first time I've cried." " There's nothing wrong with that." "She lived with us ever since Mother died." "She practically brought us up." "She seemed so indestructible, and to just watch her...fading away..." "She didn't seem to suffer." "She was wonderful - bright and cheerful." "How's your dad?" " Oh, you know Dad." "He's not one to show his feelings." "Helen, my dear." "What a joy to have you back home again." "Hello, Siegfried." " l'm so sorry, my dear." "Now then, I've been having words with James in your absence." "We've agreed that his treatment of you leaves a great deal to be desired." "Isn't that so?" " What?" "We did speak about it?" " Not that I recall." "You must admit, Helen does have a pretty rough deal." "What do you mean?" "You run the office, you do things about the house, you keep your place upstairs ticking over and your husband's dedication to his work verges on obsession." "Wait a minute!" " Thence, you're going to end up a stick-in-the-mud." "The work has to be done." " Not at the expense of the inner man." "That's the problem - the inner man." "But once we know what the problem is, then the solution's simple." "If you say so." " Leisure, relaxation, time to unwind - that's the solution." "But I am perfectly relaxed!" "James, that stubborn pride of yours simply won't do." "From now on, I insist, no, I order you, to take two nights a week off." "I'm sure it'd do you both the world of good." "Well, thank you!" "That's very kind." "Any particular evenings?" " Whatever suits you best." "Tonight, please." " Tonight?" "James!" "Let's not rush things, let's ease into this new arrangement, don't you think?" "As a matter of fact I've engaged to be out tonight so, er..." "Dear James!" " Of course." "Mr Beckwith." " Mr Herriot." "How's Magnus?" " He's all right...today." "Ah, James." "Usual?" " Yes, please." "Half of your best, Mavis, and same again for me." "Who's she?" " Feast your eyes on Mavis." "Betty's niece - standing in for her for the next few weeks." "Ah, the goddess of the pump returns." "The wondrous form of womankind doth sear the brain at eventide, et cetera." "You're very lyrical." "You'd be if you were fixed up with that delightful piece of female pulchritude." "I'm taking her for a stroll after work." "Tonight?" " Of course tonight." "Well, Siegfried's out and it is Helen's first night back." "I hoped you'd handle the emergency calls." "Oh, but James - look at her." "How could anyone resist her?" "You can see her any time." " You must strike while the iron is hot." "At least be back at a reasonable hour." " Fear not." "Have I ever let you down?" "Have I, now?" "Frequently." "It's late. I'd better get to bed before I fall down." "Damn Tristan - he said he'd be back hours ago." "It doesn't make any difference." "Do you want a drink?" "No, I want to come up with you." "Why should I hang around down here while you're up there?" "Because the phone might ring." "It's stayed silent all evening." "Let's hope it stays that way." "Come on." "Oh, no!" "If we wait long enough, it might stop...please!" "Blast and double blast!" "Sorry, darling." "Hello!" "Oh, hello, Mr Dinsdale." "What's the...?" "What?" "A difficult calving?" "What, now?" "Er, yes..." "yes, of course I will." "Straightaway." "Yes, all right." "Bye." "It's looking bad." "Due two hours ago and nowt's happening." "Right, I'll have a look at her." "By Jove, she's a Friesian." "Could I have some soap and water?" "Got it ready and waiting." " Ah, yes, thanks." "Look here, young man." "I'm Mr Dinsdale's brother." "I farm over Listondale way." " Pleased to meet you." "I'm James Herriot." " Never heard of you, lad." "My vet is Mr Broomfield." "I expect you've heard of him?" "Er, I can't say that I have." "Never heard of Mr Broomfield?" "I reckon you're the only one round here that hasn't." "Strips like a boxer, does Mr Broomfield." "Never seen such muscles on a man." "Well, need them for this job!" "Wonderful man, Mr Broomfield." "Especially at calving." "Never known him beat yet, no matter how tricky the job." "Really?" "Mr Broomfield says you get infection of the womb if you use just soap and water." "Oh?" "And what does Mr Broomfield use?" "He has his own special lubricating oil." "Makes it up himself, he does." " Oh, I see." "Shh." "OK..." "Been at the job long, have you?" "Not too long, no." "Mr Broomfield's been at it a good many years and he knows what he's about." "You can have your book-learning." "You can give me experience every time." "The calf's alive, Mr Dinsdale." "But it's laid wrong - head well back." "Not much room to move around." "Also, she's bone dry." "How long since the waters came away?" "Some time this afternoon." "Head's back?" "That's no problem, lad." "I've seen Mr Broomfield deal with that." "He turns the calf right round and brings it out back legs first." "I can't risk that - there's not enough space." "It might damage the mother's pelvis." "Damage the mother's pelvis?" "Mr Broomfield'll laugh when I tell him that." "What you gonna do, then?" " Well... I've got to get the calf laid right before I can get it out." "I can't guarantee it'll be alive even then." "It won't, lad, not the way you're mucking about." "Course, Mr Broomfield had another way with jobs like this." "All you need is two strong chaps with a rope to pull it out - head back an' all." "Told you I'd not let a fellow down." "James?" "Oh, I see..." "Jumped the gun, have we?" "All tucked up in bed with little wife?" "Well, never fear, your friend Tristan will hold the fort." "He's tiring, isn't that so?" "It makes you beat, young man." "Now, taking Mr Broomfield." "He's a man you can't tire." "Strength of ten men in his arms, he's got." "He's strong." "He's really strong." "Rope's on." "If you could just hold the rope." "You keep a steady tension." "I'll try to correct the head." "Pull steadily, the head will come round." "What if the rope comes off?" " Steady pull, no jerking." "Oh, please don't let it come off." "Now you pull...as she strains." "Nay, lad - grab hold of the back legs and give a big tug." "Mr Broomfield..." " Pull the rope like I said!" "If you could make a little bit less noise - that means no speaking." "Thank you." "Here it comes..." "Come on, come on..." "Pull!" "Steady!" "Keep it steady, Mr Dinsdale." "C'mon, girl." "Oh..." "Yes." " Here she comes." "It'll be dead." "Bound to be." "It's alive!" "I thought for sure it'd be dead after you messing about all that time." "You know what this fellow needs, Mr Dinsdale." "So I'll get these ropes off... ..and put him to his mother, eh?" " Aye." "C'mon." "Up you come, old thing, there we go." "Come on, come on." "Here we go, lad." " Come on, come on." "C'mon, boy." "Go to your mum, go on." "Go on, go on..." "look." "Go on, go on." "Course Mr Broomfield would've had it out in a fraction of the time." "He sounds like a remarkable man." "There's none to beat him round these parts, I reckon." "He's none the worse for the experience." "Aye." "How about a drink?" "A drink?" "That would be marvellous." "I could use a drink." "It's been a pretty hard two hours." "Nay, I meant for the cow." "A very good idea." "Drink for the cow." "Probably needs it." "Do her the power of good." "I'll just get all this muck off and I'll be away." "Mr Broomfield don't agree with drinking just after calving." "Oh?" " Says it chills the stomach." "Sleep well last night?" " l didn't see my bed until dawn, thanks." "Not tucked up in bed with little wife?" " No, I wasn't." "I spent all night up to my neck in dung." " Oh, what rotten luck." "You promised to look after the calls." " But I did!" "I sat down here by that phone." "Or at least I woke up beside it." "Never rang once either." "At least I don't think it did." "Morning!" "Or perhaps "Good afternoon"?" " Don't you start." "You're a touch on edge today." "Lack of sleep has that effect." "Merely a symptom, not the cause." "Which is your worrying obsession with work." "I have been up all night with a very difficult c..." "Simply won't do, James." "If you won't wind down, we'll have to do it for you." "Yes - all this eager beavering has its price." "Now look..." " Relax!" "Relaxation!" "It may be an obscenity to a chap like..." " l am perfectly relaxed!" "Or I would be if you'd leave me alone." " Poor old James." "I've got a perfectly sensible suggestion." "The moment afternoon surgery is over, why don't you and Helen get into the car, leave everything and go?" "Just like that!" " Go where?" "Wherever you like... ..the world is your oyster, anything to get you out of this rut." "Thanks for the idea. I'll take you up on it." "That's the ticket!" "Tristan, I shall need you on my visits today." "Have a look at the tackle we'll need." "Come in." "Mr Farnon, Major Bullen to see you." "Really, where is he?" " ln the living room." "Thank you." "Don't worry, old son." "We'll lick this thing together." "I'll take it from Siegfried but I'll not take it from you." "Careful now!" "Major Bullen, what can I do for you?" "I'll come straight to the point." "You're aware of our little do on Friday night?" "Friday night?" " Community hall, seven pip emma." "One of our chaps has had to drop out and we're not up to strength." "We're inviting you to take his place." "Oh, I see..." " You are free, I trust?" "I, er...as far as I, er..." " That's good." "Well, we wouldn't choose you unless we felt you fitted the bill." "A man of science is just what we need." " l'm at your disposal of course but... lf you have any doubts, please say, because time is running short." "I'd be delighted to assist but..." " Good, so you accept our invitation." "But what actually is this little do?" "The quiz, man!" "The quiz!" "The quiz." "Er, Major Bullen, are you quite sure I'm the man for the job?" "We vets are journeymen, our minds cluttered with the minutiae of our trade." "I'd hate to let you down." " That's very frank of you but we're convinced that you're the man for the job." "Sir, I'm sure I'm not." " Don't forget." "Friday night." "I'll let myself out." "Goodbye, Farnon." "Ah, hello, young fellow." "All set?" "Anything wrong?" "Why didn't you tell me Bullen was organising the quiz team?" "I didn't know." "Why?" " l've been dragooned into taking part." "It's not funny." " Don't you think it is?" "I certainly do not." " Can't you cry off?" "A man's word is his bond to the Bullens of this world." "I wouldn't expect you to understand that." "Come on!" "We've got work to do." "Blast!" "Speedy seems none the worse for his little trip." "He has gone missing for a week, Mr Herriot." "Tortoises do have a way of looking after themselves." "He looks the same." " More or less, I reckon." "How am I going to stop him getting lost, Mr Herriot?" "He likes the meadow and I can't watch him all the time." "No... I know - l'll try something." "Now..." "Speedy doesn't get very far but once he's in the long grass, you can't see him, is that right?" "Aye." "Reckon so." " Oh, right." "Now..." "Speedy may be hiding but at least you'll be able to see...the ribbon." "Hm?" " By gaw, I never thought of that." "We'll give it a try." " Aye." "Can he keep the ribbon?" "Yes, course he can." "There we are." "Ta, Mr Herriot." " lt's a pleasure, David." "Look after it." " Bye, Mr Herriot." "How are we doing?" " Fine. I'll clear up and we can go." "Good. I'll pack sandwiches for our walk." "It's hardly walking weather." " Nonsense, it'll be wonderful." "Oh, Mrs Hammond - come in." "Come in." "There's a dog here hurt bad." "Mrs Hammond?" " That's right." "Come in, please." "Thanks, Mrs Hall." "Well, what happened, Mrs Hammond?" "Rock was missing for two days." "This morning a man brought him back." "He found him with his leg caught in a gin trap." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "I'll get Rock up on the table and we'll have a look at him." "Hold tight." "Bottom up, that's a good boy - here we go." "Good dog - it's all right, it's all right." "Two days, Mr Herriot, caught in that foul thing." "They're barbarous, those things." "One day they'll be made illegal." "What d'you think?" "Will you have to amputate?" "After two days in a trap, the danger is gangrene." "I know. I did a bit of nursing before I was married." "Ah. lt's a mess, Mrs Hammond." "At least the leg's not broken and, more importantly, the foot's warm." "There's still circulation?" " Yes." "D'you think you can save his leg?" "It is a terrible injury - it might mean he'll have to lose it." "Oh...no, not Rock." "He's such a strong and active dog - he'd pine if he couldn't move about freely." "Yes, I understand." "Mr Herriot, I can't bear to see him suffering like this." "You must tell me if you intend to amputate, because if you do... I'll have to ask you to put Rock down." "Are you absolutely sure?" "I know my dog and I think I'd know what he'd want." "So you must tell me the truth, Mr Herriot." "Can you save his leg?" "I'd like to try." "Oh, thank goodness." "Now, we know there is some circulation there." "The question is just how much." "He's going to lose tissue, of course." "So he'll get worse before he starts getting better." "I trust your judgment, Mr Herriot." "If you say there's a chance, I believe you." "All right, Rock." "Won't hurt much." "Hold tight." "Good dog." "Now, the morphine will take a few moments to work, so if you will excuse me just for a minute." "Thanks." "I'm terribly sorry..." " l know." "Mrs Hall just told me." "Keeps happening, doesn't it?" " Never mind us, what about Mrs Hammond's dog?" " lt's those damned traps." "The people who use them need a taste of their own medicine." "That dog's been trapped for two days." "Have you decided what to do?" "I told her I think we can save the leg." "Can you?" "I don't know." "I better get back." " Here, you might as well drink this." " Oh, thanks." "I'll give it to Mrs Hammond." "Here we are, Mrs Hammond - a nice hot cup of tea." "Thank you." " lt's a pleasure." "Wasn't it meant for you?" " No, it's all right." "Now... we'll have a look at Rock and see what we can do." "All right, old boy, it's all right..." "Er..." "I'll see to these." "What's so funny?" " Shh!" "Mr Farnon, I've got coffee for you..." " What?" "I only said..." " Yes. I heard, Mrs Hall." "All right. I haven't got coffee ready for you, Mr Farnon." "First, Siegfried's been roped into the men's team on this quiz thing." "Word gets round." "The old dragon who captains the ladies..." "Mrs Allenby." " The very one." "She lays into him!" "Outside, in front of everyone." "Why?" " She thinks he's stabbed her in the back, challenged her personally by going on the team." "She called him a cad and he wasn't to be trusted with Pharaoh!" "What did he do?" " Nothing, just went purple!" "is he in?" " Yes, he's gathering strength, like the Krakatoa tidal wave." "is he?" "I hear you had a spot of trouble with Mrs Allenby?" "Don't mention that woman's name. idiot female." "Really?" "I thought you two were great friends?" "Insane, that's what she is." "How dare she." "Called my integrity in question!" "Perhaps you were on edge?" " On edge?" "!" "I could have taken her by her scrawny neck and..." "Relax!" "Relaxation..." "The harridan's made an exhibition of me but let her beware - the chips are down now." "We'll give those females a thrashing on Friday night." "Ah, yes" " Friday." "Helen and I didn't manage to get away this afternoon." "As these arrangements to have time off don't quite work..." "Your point?" " l'd like Friday night off." "Dinner dance, a coming home present." " You must do as you please." "It's agreed?" "Oh, good!" "Now, why don't you sit down and take it easy?" "Let that marvellous inner tranquillity of yours work its...inner magic?" "Thanks." "Wondering why I've not brought him in before?" "I'm sure you would if you'd had to." " Oh, Magnus has been to a vet before, but I usually take him far away from Darrowby, see." "Why's that?" " Well..." "Magnus, he's funny, like, about vets." "About anybody, come to that, who does things to him." "I'm not sure I understand." " He's got a memory like an elephant." "Never forgets if someone crosses him." "If I brought him here, next time he saw you he'd be after you." "So I always take him to strange vets." "But Magnus is one of the friendliest little tykes in Darrowby." "He's vicious!" "Vicious he is, when he's crossed." "The last vet had his fingers bitten to the bone." "Blood all over the place!" " What did the vet do?" "Something pretty major?" " Just clipped his nails." "Same as I'd like you to do." "This occasion I can't travel with him." "I think I can cut his nails without bloodshed." "If you could just get him on the table." "Well, it's up to you." "Come on, Magnus." "Hold his head and we can get started." "Don't you bring me into it, Mr Herriot!" "I do need someone to hold him." "Couldn't you dope him?" "A general anaesthetic to cut his claws?" "Bit drastic, isn't it?" "I want nowt to do with it." "I've got to live with him afterwards." "Well, I'll, er...tape his muzzle." "Oh aye." "All right, Magnus - there's a good dog." "You watch yourself, Mr Herriot!" " l will, Mr Beckwith." "Come on, Magnus - there's a good dog." "Good dog, good..." "Good dog, good dog..." "All right..." "Got him, Mr Beckwith." " Good." "All right, Magnus - we are on our own, so you can stop showing off." "You're starting a bit early, Tris?" "A half please, Mavis." "Yes, Mr Herriot." "I'm merely taking Siegfried's advice - cultivating the inner man." "It's hardly what he had in mind." "Thank you." "Have you been around him lately?" " l've been out and about." "Cheers." "Looks almost too good to sell, doesn't it?" "Mavis, I think he'll have another." "Very kind of you." " My pleasure." "Siegfried's become a walking encyclopaedia for this quiz thing." "Soaking up knowledge like a sponge." "He's got it in for Mrs Allenby's lot." "Quiet, you!" "Watch out, Mr Herriot." "He'll have you!" "Who?" " Magnus, that's who!" "He heard your voice." "I told you - memory like an elephant." "That's Magnus?" " Aye." "You'd best beat a retreat." "Yes..." "I see what you mean." "Aye. I warned him, Mr Farnon. I did..." "Morning." "Tristan!" "What's wrong?" " He knows." "Mr Beckwith asks if you could keep your voice down at the Drovers." "He doesn't like Magnus to get upset." " That is enough!" "What?" " Nothing, darling." "Mustn't start inventing rumours." " Absolutely not." "Any coffee?" " l'll make some fresh." "Tris!" "is James in there?" "Ah, James." "How are you on kings?" " Kings?" "Kings, queens, the rich panoply of the monarchy." "I'm not quite with you." " He wants you to ask him a question." "Oh, I see." " Come on, James." "Name a king!" " Henry?" "Norman, Angevin, Plantagenet, Lancastrian, Tudor?" "Henry Iv?" " Ah, Lancastrian." "1399 till, let me see...1412." " Beg your pardon, Mr Farnon." "You got the date wrong." "Wrong?" " Henry Iv died in 1413." "Read it last night, I did." " Of course!" "You're absolutely right." "I know I am." "What a remarkable woman." "Name a year in the last century." " Any year?" "Any year you like." " Er...1844." "1844?" "Yes, er, er... first message sent by telegraph. I think, yes?" "Very impressive." " One has to do these things properly." "Try me on eminent men." " Alas, I must be off." "Tristan will help." "Excuse me." "Right then, my boy." "Let's take major sporting events of the last 25 years." "I'm worried about him, Mr Herriot." "Wouldn't touch his food yesterday." "Last night he was so restless he couldn't settle down." "As if he was in pain." " lt will get worse before it gets better." "Yes, but it's such a helpless feeling when you know an animal's in distress and you can't do more for it." " Yes, I know." "It looks awful." "Do you honestly think there's much point in going on?" "I think there's every chance." " l've talked it over with my husband." "We know you mean well, Mr Herriot, but Rock is suffering." "If, after all this, his leg still..." " l promise, that won't happen." "Can you be sure?" "Really sure it won't?" "Mrs Hammond, I know it looks bad but beneath this dead tissue, Rock is sound and warm." "His pads are intact, and you'll notice... ..there's no smell today." "I'd say we were winning." "No..." "Rock isn't going to lose his leg." "Four and four..." "How do?" "Hello, Mr Fairburn." "It's been a grand day." "What's that?" " Nice warm day it's been." "Ah, James." " Hello." "Thought I'd find you here." "What's up with you?" " Got to keep it low." "Joe Kendall at Brookside wants to see you." "Touch of laryngitis?" " No, nothing like that." "You're not making yourself very clear, you know." "Would you like a drink?" " Thank you." "Mavis?" "What'll it be?" " Oh, usual please..." "You've done it now, Mr Herriot." "What's up with James?" "Got a memory like an elephant!" "You two are off early today." "It's the fatal day." "Got to get the decks cleared for tonight." "Fighting fit for battle?" " Fear not. lt's all up here." "Battalions of facts ready to go into action at the right moment." "Are you going to support us?" " Helen and I are going out, I did tell you." "Oh?" "Not entirely loyal." "Siegfried, it was your idea that we go out more often." "You might have chosen a more appropriate moment." "There never is a more appropriate moment!" "You'll have Tristan in the wings." " Sorry, Mavis and I have plans." "Typical." "I shan't hold it against either of you." "James, there is one more thing..." " Oh, yes?" "I shall want you on this evening's visits - just for an hour or two!" "But we're booked into the Reniston dinner dance at 8pm." "I'm up for this quiz at seven, so we're bound to get through it together." "Of course." " Splendid." "Good." "Come on, Tristan, come on!" "Now then, Mr Farnon - brought the troops have you?" "That's right, Mr Kendall." "No time for gossip today, though." "Aye." " Now, you've one or two jobs for us?" "So we'll start with the heifer with the bad eye, is it?" "Anything you say, squire." " You lead on then." "There y'are, squire." "But I'm telling you, you'll get nowt out on her." "What's the matter?" "She's got a lump of chaff caught in her eyelid." "I told you, didn't I?" "I've been struggling to get it out for a day now." "Go on - admit you're beat." "What are you doing then?" " l told you before, if I revealed our professional secrets, we'd be out of a job." "Will you fetch me a glass of fresh tap water, please?" "Coming right up, squire." "James - chloroform." "About an ounce, on there." " Right." "What are you up to?" " Wanted to get Joe out of the way." "Never miss a chance to put one over that know-all." "Now, give her a whiff." "That's it...tiny bit more." "Right, there it goes..." "There y'are, squire." " Thank you kindly, Mr Kendall." "Let's see what you're made of." "You said you had another sick beast?" " Aye, but fix this one first." "It's all taken care of." " What's that?" "The chaff's out of her eye - it's perfectly all right." "So, let's get on with it." "But it can't be." "By gaw, that were fast work." "As I said before - we're busy men, so let's get a move on." "Aye, well, I've got summat now you won't fix in a hurry." "It's getting late." " One more visit, quick in and out job." "We are cutting things a bit fine, Siegfried." "Relax, James." "Relaxation." "Plenty of time." "Well, the starter motor's gone." "Now, Mr Farnon, having a bit of bother?" " Nothing we can't put right, Mr Kendall." "Now then, James - a quick push will get us going." "I reckon you've had it, Mr Farnon." "Right, James!" "It's no good, Siegfried." "This is the one that's got you beat, Mr Farnon." "You reckon wrong, Mr Kendall." "Where's the nearest mechanic?" "The Dales Garage, five miles down the main road." "Won't do you no good, though - they're closed." "In that case, may I use your telephone?" "You could've done but it's been out of order three days." "In that case, initiative is called for." "James - you must find the nearest telephone and get someone here to fix the car." "Any questions?" " No, but you'll miss your quiz." "Plenty of time for that." "Off you go." "Have you a bicycle I can borrow?" " Aye, it's in the shed over there." "And that works, does it?" " Oh aye, the wheels go round." "I reckon this has got you beat, Mr Farnon." "I wonder, Mr Kendall, if you'd be kind enough to help me?" "I know what to do." " Excellent." "Could you please advance the ignition...just a little." "Right." " Right." "A little pressure on the...accelerator, please." "Can't tell me owt about cars, Mr Farnon." "I'm delighted to hear it." "Little bit more...advance." "Right, squire." "And some more." " l know what I'm doing!" "All right, are you, Mr Farnon?" "Perfectly all right, thank you, Mr Kendall." "I told you, you'd be beaten by this one, Mr Farnon." "I was just beginning to worry about you." "After our day, you have every reason to worry." "Where's Siegfried?" " Good question." "Good evening." "Would you be kind enough to give me a lift?" "Oh, excuse me - l must, er..." "I'm in rather a hurry." "You coward!" "I'm worried about Siegfried." "Ten to seven and still no sign." "Well, I warned him." "I warned him repeatedly." "Yes, Mrs Hall?" "Thought I'd wish you a pleasant evening before I go." "Off to the quiz?" " Aye." "And you can wish me luck." " Oh?" "I didn't mention it but..." "I'm on the ladies' team." "Oh!" "I'll get it." "You're on the ladies' team?" " Aye." "Well, women have got God-given brains too." "That's why you've been reading up on your dates." "I didn't say owt because of Mr Farnon." "Prejudiced, you know." "We'll give them a run for their money tonight." "I bet you will!" "Good luck!" " Thanks." "Sorry, Mrs Hall." "Pen and paper?" "In the desk...that I've tidied." " Yes." "Thank you." "Got to get this down or we'll never get off." "Ooh, Tris!" "Where are you off to?" " Pressing engagement, actually." "That must mean a young lady, and a very pretty one." "Only the prettiest." "Mavis down at the Drovers." "Tris!" " Yes, James?" "Helen and I have to be off now but Siegfried wants you to do him a small favour." "Favour?" " lt's nothing very much." "He just wants you to give this... to Major..." "Bullen." "But he'll be with him all evening, fighting for the honour of their sex." "Well, Siegfried is stuck at Kendall's place, so he'll miss the quiz." "What's this then?" "Resignation." " Resignation?" "Oh, wonderful." "I'll drop this over to old Bullen." "It'll be worth it just for the look on his face." "Better be off, Tris." " Yes, all right." "Siegfried's for it." "Letting down the side." "James Herriot..." "what have you been up to?" "That note excuses Siegfried's absence but it also offers a substitute." "Tristan?" " Who else?" "Cheers!" "Well, I call it pitiable." "An absolute disgrace." "To think - a brother of mine, product of the finest educational system in the world should turn out to be so...empty-headed." "Hang it all, I'm no good at these question-and-answer things." "Besides, I wasn't prepared." "I was tricked." " Excuses." "God, you smell, Siegfried." "What d'you expect?" "I've spent the afternoon in a midden." "Imagine my feelings - arriving just in time for the final score." "Your abysmal performance announced in public." "Mrs Hall did better than you." "You don't deserve a drink." "Thanks to you our name will be mud in this town." "Men will cross the road at our approach." "What a night's work." "All right, come on you lot." "Time for out, come on, boys." "Oh, Siegfried." " l don't want to talk about it." "From now on, any mention of the entire debacle will cease." "Come on, lads, come on." "Come on!" "Er, yes...could you get me the number of the Reniston, please?" "Yes, I'll make a note of it." "Could you put me through?" "Thank you." "Er, now then..." "is that the Reniston?" "Well, lass, you've got veterinary Mr Herriot there tonight." "Aye, at the dinner dance." "I want you to tell him that Mr Dinsdale's brother - l'm an old friend of his - has a cow with a calf laid wrong." "Aye, it's Scarfell Farm, up by Listondale." "Would you tell him that Mr Broomfield - that's Mr Broomfield, t'other vet - Mr Broomfield can't come and that beast'll be crow bait if he don't hurry." "Aye, it's a real emergency, so don't you forget to tell him." "Aye." "Thank you." "Good night, James."