"July 8th, 2024 had been coming since the beginning of time." "But for Beth Tanner, it arrived out of nowhere." "For four years now, she had dutifully mopped, waxed and polished mile upon mile of vinyl flooring in a building that had become the pride of Hampshire." "Beth was humbly placed as a Level Two Hygiene Technician at the RP Galactic Centre Of Space Exploration in South Britain, as it was now increasingly referred to." "Despite the fading tabard she wore on duty, she didn't feel lowly at all." "RP himself, better known as billionaire entrepreneur Robert Pickle, knew Beth by name and somehow managed to make her feel mildly valued every time he tiptoed over her slippery floor, trying not to leave the footprints of his incredible wealth." "Once he even bought her one of her beloved Sudoku puzzle books for her birthday, having noted that she was up to Grand Master level." "Oh, here she is, the Grand Master." "SHE LAUGHS" "He would say to her as he passed, more than a bit patronisingly, if we're honest." "The RP brand had already re-imagined, re-claimed and re-packaged everything, from cola-pop, pet insurance, flying to America, potatoes and boutique palliative care." "Now it was branching out into trying to colonise the planet Mars." "Because it was red, and therefore, very much in line with the RP brand." "But RP Galactic weren't the only team actively trying to claim the Red Planet as their own." "Our dear old friends, the Russians, equally betrothed to the angriest of all colours, were desperate to make it first." "And the world knew that just one technical slip-up would allow the Russians to leap in front and use Mars to, no doubt, worrying ends." "Beth showed no signs of concerning herself with the rights and wrongs of competing to claim an entire planet." "She simply got on with the job in hand." "One morning, Beth clocked into work as usual and set about her well-rehearsed Wednesday routine of giving the shuttle a good going over." "20 minutes later, and deep in the bowels of the craft, she was in full, hardcore, cleaning mode." "Beth liked to work in tabulated bursts." "40 minutes of graft, five minutes of Sudoku." "She was in the midst of one such stolen puzzle break when boom!" "Suddenly, the shuttle's engines roared into life." "And so it was that on Thursday, July the 8th, 2024," "Beth unwittingly became the first cleaner in space." "Telemetry systems operational and good." "Velocity good." "Requesting gravity mode." "Gravity mode engaged." "OK, let's take this baby to Mars!" "The three crew smiled and began to settle in." "This was, after all, going to be a long journey." "All three had trained long and hard to prepare themselves for all eventualities." "Well... except for the one that actually happened." "Sorry to interrupt, Mr Pickle." "Shit!" "What the hell are you doing here?" "!" "I think I might have got my days mixed up." "I think what it was, was that my sister usually picks me up for Zumba on Wednesday nights, but last night she was having a spray tan done before she goes to Kavos." "It's thrown my routine right out." "Oh, oh, you got your days mixed up, did you, Beth?" "Oh, well, that's OK, then, because you know, um," "I mean, we're only on our way to Mars!" "Just then, a radio crackled into life." "VOICE OVER RADIO: 'Everything all right up there, guys, over?" "'" "Er, yeah, everything hunky dory, over." "Just dealing with a, er... ..hygiene issue, over." "So what do we do now?" "Well, according to procedure," "I have no option but to initiate a stage six mission realignment." "Yeah, so what does that mean?" "We turn around, we drop her off and start the mission from scratch." "Impossible!" "It would take us six months to prepare for launch again." "It's just standard procedure." "It's not the end of the world." "Not the end of the..." "This has cost me £7 billion!" "Anyway, the Russians are only three months behind us." "Oh, bugger, bugger, bugger!" "Bloody hell, Beth!" "OK, OK, look, Beth." "Have you touched anything, or done anything that would endanger the life of anyone on this craft?" "I hope not." "I always say "never flick a switch without flicking it back."" "It's one of my cleaning rules." "All right..." "This is what we're going to do." "She comes with us, but no-one, and I mean no-one, must know she's here!" "It would seriously undermine our mission." "By which he meant they would all look like dicks." "Before briefing her not to engage with any operational interfaces, the flight commander showed her various flat surfaces around the craft that were safe to polish, keen to keep her busy." "After six hours of lights down, the crew awoke to the sound of Beth's chirpy whistling." "She opened the door to find a panicked-looking Commander cupping his genitals, and then quickly snapped it shut again." "Nothing I haven't seen before." "She chirruped." "Just letting you know, I've done all the panels." "What panels?" "The flat panels, like you said, just the flat ones." "The blood in the Commander's face drained away." "He pulled himself towards a window and looked outside." "What is it?" "What has she done?" "I did tell her specifically not to interface with any of the operational surfaces." "If I'm honest, I don't really know what that means." "What has she done?" "!" "I'm afraid, she's ejected the reserve fuel tanks." "This was not good news." "Oh!" "Oh, no, no, no!" "Beth had never seen him like this before." "A man who seemingly knew no limits was now crumbling before her very eyes." "I hate to say it, sir, but maybe that stage six is not a bad idea after all." "The risk of non-specific non-positional mal-placement is too high." "Do you ever talk English, mate?" "May be best just to pop back home, sir." "No!" "Never!" "I won't have my dream ruined by some stupid cleaning lady." "So much for the Grand Master, thought Beth." "The Commander swallowed hard and steeled himself." "Very well, then." "There's just about a chance we could make it, but absolutely zero room for error." "Beth, you are to be confined to the refreshment area and your sleeping quarters." "Am I understood?" "Yes." "She replied, sheepishly." "A few days passed without incident." "But being the industrious type," "Beth could keep herself from doing nothing no longer." "She rooted about in the cupboard and found some tubes of various concentrated ingredients." "Lamb, onion, carrots, potatoes." "She had what felt like a smashing idea." "Surely, doing the lads a nice casserole would go some way to winning them all over again." "What is it they say about men and their stomachs?" "Something anyway, she murmured to herself, as she emptied all four tubes into a mixing bowl and boiled the shuttle's kettle." "Four minutes later, she had been locked in her quarters for her own good." "How was I to know one tube was meant to last 12 months?" "!" "Her little gesture had used up nine months of ultra-dense space food in one serving, and it hadn't even been edible." "Effectively creating a brick of unusable lamb stew that weighed over 200kgs and had broken the kitchen top." "I'm ever so sorry about all this, Mr Pickle." "As soon as we get back home, I'll move myself onto pastures new." "Hand my notice in." "Oh, there's no need to do that, Beth." "You've already been sacked." "You know, I've been thinking." "No-one actually knows you're here, do they, Beth?" "Ssh." "Ssh, that's it, there, there." "It's all over now, Beth." "Haven't you heard?" "In space, no-one can hear you scream." "ALARM SOUNDS" "With that, Pickle tried to push Beth inside the airlock." "He hadn't noticed the power cord from her floor polisher caught round his foot like carbon flex coated poison ivy." "He began to flounder and fall forward, inadvertently sending himself into the doorway that marked the point of no return." "The door hissed closed behind him." "Beth observed the confusing control panel and furrowed her brow." "None of the commands were straightforward." "And as Pickle tapped hopelessly on the glass, grinning his insincere grin, Beth took a lucky dip on the buttons." "ROBOTIC VOICE: 'Airlock activated.'" "ALARMS BEEPING" "'Airlock activated." "She watched Britain's greatest business mind float away into the blackness." "The mood was understandably sombre that evening." "It had been decided that now would be a good time to tell ground control that there was a cleaner on board." "That the richest man in Britain was dead in space, and that they were on their way home." "The thorniest issue, however, was video evidence from the shuttle's cameras, which showed that Pickle had apparently tried to murder poor old Beth, and that she had tried to rescue him from the airlock." "Many livelihoods and the sales of hundreds of products relied on his good name." "I mean, who would drink the cola of an attempted murderer?" "Back on earth, at the RP headquarters, there was to be an ultra top secret board meeting to discuss the way forward." "The world would be told that Pickle bravely went outside the craft alone to perform essential repairs and had been lost forever, like in that film." "It was the perfect marketing ploy, but it did rather depend on nobody ever finding out that one" "Beth Tanner had been allowed to accidentally wander onto the shuttle and then effectively destroy the mission single-handedly." "So, with that in mind, the Commander was charged with explaining to Beth that she was welcome to have her job back, no hard feelings, but that she must keep very, very quiet." "I won't say a thing, Mr Commander, sir." "I just want to get back to my cleaning." "On Beth's first day back on earth, all was normal down at RP Galactic HQ." "The floors were just as vast and smooth as always and the routine felt as familiar as her favourite dressing gown." "She thought how she might miss going over Mr Pickle's suave little footprints with a polisher, but I suppose he'd made a rod for his own back, see, thinking himself better than others." "So she didn't let it trouble her too much." "Beth paused briefly and pulled out her phone and carefully dialled a number that she'd inserted into one of her Sudoku puzzles." "Hello, dear." "SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN:" "Well, whoever you were rooting for in that story," "I'm sure we can all agree that we never quite stop learning who we can and can't trust." "And whilst it's all very well having money and status, it's whether you secretly work for a foreign intelligence agency that really counts." "Goodbye." "You're only a flipping weather man!" "That phrase again!" "Ooh, it just made Ken's blood boil and he left, vowing revenge." "He loved looking at it, thinking about it, reading about it, but most of all, he loved talking about it." "The best demonstration of this was a rather large, grand, oil painting of Michael Fish, his greatest hero, that he kept above his fireplace." "Ken even owned a mini hot-air balloon, not for the adventure or for the stunning views, but for conducting weather experiments in the clouds." "Oh, yes," "Ken loved the weather, which was handy, because Ken Hendrix was a weather man." "Not a fancy-pants national news weatherman, but a weatherman all the same, at the local news station." "However, in spite of his obsession," "Ken Hendrix had no screen presence whatsoever." "And as weather is not an exact science, to his constant frustration," "Ken's forecasts were about as reliable as blindly throwing a dart at a weather-themed dart board." "But Ken loved his job, also, because of Gloria." "Ken had admired Gloria from afar for years." "She was the station's roving reporter, kind of a localised Lois Lane, a regional Rageh Omaar." "Only with breasts and not a man." "If there was a village fete, a cute baby animal or a whiskery man in a gorilla suit and top hat standing for election on her patch, Gloria would be there." "Now, the station's sports presenter was Andy Keyes." "Andy Keyes was good-looking, Andy Keyes was confident, and Andy Keyes bullied poor Ken relentlessly." "He'd mock his unfashionable clothing and poke fun at his love of the weather perpetually." "Unfortunately for Ken," "Andy also had an eye for the ladies and his eye was very much on one lady in particular." "Gloria." "Anyway, one ordinary Tuesday afternoon in the newsroom," "Gloria bought Ken a coffee." "An insignificant act you might think, but not to Ken." "Thanks so much." "Hi." "I was just wondering, um..." "Nice coffee." "Yes." "Er, yeah, it's nice and hot." "Yes." "Yes." "Um, so, Well, I was, I was..." "Sorry, did you want something?" "Well, I was just wondering if you'd, no, and you can totally say no, um, if you were free this Saturday?" "Because, if you are free, whether you'd quite like to spend the day with me?" "Well, Ken braced himself for the inevitable mocking rejection, and yet..." "Yes." "She said yes." "Oh!" "Ken's dream had come true." "But..." "Oh, I'm sorry, I completely forgot." "I'm reporting on a marrow-growing contest at the village fete in Bishop Wick tomorrow." "Maybe some other time." "With that, she walked away." "Ken was crestfallen." "Deflated like his hot-air balloon when he stored it away to avoid it being eaten by moths." "Oh, if only that stupid village fete was cancelled." "Ken started to think." "And then a plan started to form... like a... like a sort of low-level fog in the valley of his brain." "And on his forecast that evening," "Ken told a fib." "Despite knowing that it was to be a fine day, he reported that there would be downpours in the specific area of the fete." "He wasn't worried about any repercussions, as he was constantly and irritatingly being told by idiots that "Weather men always get it wrong."" "But it worked." "It worked." "He couldn't believe his luck." "The fete was cancelled and Gloria, now free, agreed to spend her Saturday with Ken." "And the date went surprisingly well." "He took Gloria for a ride in his hot-air balloon." "She found Ken rather sweet and the balloon ride quite romantic." "Ken returned home, elated." "He hadn't messed it up." "He said a cheery hello to his portrait of Michael Fish, sat down in his favourite armchair, switched on the telly and the news was on and a big story had broken." "There were images of heavy rain and men rowing canoes up a waterlogged high street, following severe flooding and torrential downpours." "Ken couldn't believe it." "It was in the very village that he had lied about in his forecast." "But how?" "Now, Ken was a man of science." "He simply could not believe that this was anything more than an extraordinary coincidence." "Further experimentation was required." "Sun on one side of the street, but not on the other." "Rainbows, but no rain." "On what was to be the hottest day of the year," "Ken forecast hail." "The next morning, there it was." "Ken was not just good at predicting the weather, he was controlling it." "HE CACKLES" "But, not controlling it at any old time, it seemed, as Ken found out, when he and Gloria, who was now officially his girlfriend, were caught walking home from the pub in the rain one gloomy Sunday." "It turned out just shouting, "Stop fucking raining!"" "at the sky, wouldn't cut it." "No, no, no, Ken had to be broadcasting a weather forecast live on television for his power to work." "Over the following weeks, Ken's extremely specific, and importantly correct, forecasts gained national, then global attention." "Ken was becoming famous." "Not just John Kettley famous, but Ian McCaskill famous." "But success was now beginning to drive a big, weather-shaped wedge between Ken and Gloria." "Ken was taking Gloria for granted." "He was hanging out a bit too much with the weather groupies who waited outside the studio every day." "And he was staying out all night at posh, weathermen-only members' clubs." "Oh, yes, they do exist." "CORKS POPPING" "Gloria had had enough." "This wasn't the same sweet Ken who had taken her up in his hot-air balloon." "And their relationship, like a British summer, ended, almost as soon as it had begun." "But Ken barely noticed." "He was too busy throwing his weight around to see that the love of his life had left him and was now crying on his rival Andy's shoulder." "A massively inflated ego had turned Ken into a weather diva." "And so, in light of the fabulous ratings we've enjoyed in the last few weeks, the news will now be known as The Ken Hendrix Weather Experience." "You can't tell us what to do." "Who do you think you are?" "You're only a flipping weather man!" ""Only a weather man?" "!"" "That really got under Ken's skin." "But just as he was about to fly into a tantrum, he stopped himself." "What would Michael Fish do?" "Michael Fish... would get revenge." "At the end of that evening's forecast," "Ken had to hand over to Andy for the sports news." "You know, those moments of awkward, forced geniality between two presenters who really hate each other's guts." "Like Richard to Judy." "Or Huw Edwards to everyone." "..and that's it for the weather." "Over to you, Andy." "Thanks, Ken." "Good to see some sunshine for the FA Cup semis." "Yes, I understand your team lost last night, Andy." "I forecast if you continue to support this team, you'll always have a grey cloud over your head." "He'd done it!" "He had controlled the weather by stealth." "From that moment on, wherever Andy went, he was followed by rain." "Not just any rain, but drizzle, disgusting drizzle." "The Scottish call it 'dreich', which loosely translated means" ""Yuck!" "What a shitty day."" "Andy dealt with, Ken now turned his sights to bigger and better things." "Full of egomaniacal vim, he flipped open his mobile phone, called his agent." "Margie, it's Ken." "Get me the Prime Minister." "I'm going to Downing Street." "Ken told the Prime Minister that he could bring about world peace with just a few weather forecasts." "PRIME MINISTER GIGGLING" "I control the weather." "Do you know how powerful that makes me?" "I can bring rain to famine-filled deserts." "Smite your enemies with floods." "I could, I could kill the dictator of your choice with a thunderbolt, without even having to leave the weather studio." "But the Prime Minister had had enough." "Who the hell do you think you are?" "You're only a flipping weatherman." "That phrase again!" "Ooh, it just made Ken's blood boil, and he left quickly - embarrassed and furious, vowing revenge." "Hoo hoo!" "That night, Ken gave them all a weather forecast to remember, filled with bile and vengeful anger." "Ken announced that in the specifically localised area of the Houses Of Parliament, there would be a storm." "Sheets of hot hail would block any exit." "Hurricanes would whip at the towers of Westminster." "Floods, winds, thunder and lightning to strike indiscriminately and viciously at anything in its path." "Big Ben is buggered!" "Parliament will be destroyed!" "Just as he reached the end of his rant, Ken was pulled off air, ejected and banned from the studio by the entire, shocked news team." "But Ken headed home and watched gleefully as the most violent and bizarre weather he'd ever seen attacked the Houses Of Parliament." "Then a familiar face appeared on the screen." "It was Gloria, reporting from Westminster in the middle of the storm." "She was in huge danger." "And who was that in the back of her shot?" "It was Andy, who Gloria had called in her moment of need." "But Andy's new precipitation affliction had made the storms even worse." "That was when it dawned on Ken just how bat-shit he'd become." "There was a time he'd manipulated the weather just to be with Gloria." "Now it had become the very thing that threatened her existence." "Ken looked up at Michael Fish." "Now, somehow looking down at Ken with disappointment." "Oh, Michael." "What have I done?" "I must save her." "At that moment, due to either magic or a severe mental episode on Ken's part, the portrait of Michael Fish came to life." "And spoke to him sagely." "Don't give up Ken." "Did I give up when I was mocked in 1987 for not predicting there'd be a hurricane?" "No." "I just picked myself up, brushed myself down and got on with it." "So, you must save your woman." "But how, Mr Fish?" "How?" "He couldn't go back to the studio to present another forecast." "They'd never let him in." "He needed to get in front of a camera, but how?" "Ken glanced back at the television." "AMERICAN REPORTER ON TV:" "'The whole world's media 'are focused on just one place, 'the West Minster.'" "That's it!" "If only he could get in front of those cameras, he could save the day." "Ken looked expectantly at Michael Fish." "Any suggestions?" "Michael Fish simply pointed out of the window at Ken's balloon and said..." "Use the forecast." "Use the forecast." "Moments later," "Ken was flying through the skies in his hot-air balloon." "He was focused, checking gauges and charts, not controlling, but using the weather to speed him to the capital." "In Westminster, the storm had grown even more violent." "This is Gloria Barry Jones, reporting to you from outside the Houses Of Parliament." "As Gloria was battling against the elements to deliver her report, a shout of "Move aside, I am a weatherman!"" "came from above." "Ken jumped out of the balloon basket, knocking Gloria over, and landing directly in front of the cameras." "The world's media swung their cameras to capture this bizarre development." "Ken straightened his tie and then, to the billions of people watching worldwide, he delivered a weather forecast." "It will be fine and dry in Westminster in exactly one minute." "The world waited for one minute with bated breath." "He'd done it!" "Gloria stopped his stuttering, mumbled apologies with a kiss." "Ken." "Just then, the Prime Minister arrived." "You did it." "You really did it." "You controlled the weather." "Ken smiled." "I don't know about that mate, I'm only a flipping weatherman." "Months, then years passed, and people soon forgot about Ken, just like they did with bird flu, the Y2K bug, or that cat wheelie-bin woman." "The public moved on." "Ken married Gloria, and though he continued to be a weatherman, he vowed never ever to use his power again." "Before long, he and Gloria were expecting a baby." "On the day of the birth of his son," "Ken noticed something at the window of the maternity ward." "It had been sunny all morning, but now it looked far darker outside." "Maybe a spot of rain." "It had started just as Ken Junior was born." "No, it wasn't quite rain, not rain... but drizzle." "Ken looked back at the smiling baby." "What do the Scottish call it?" "Dreich." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"