"MAN:" "It has been described as one of the most vicious presidential races in the history of American politics." "And one of the closest." "The Republican nominee," "Senator Russell P. Kramer of Ohio, is practically dead even in the polls with his bitter rival," "Democratic Governor Matt Douglas of Indiana." "To say there is no love lost between these two candidates is a gross understatement." "And yet, tonight, in spite of their almost overwhelming distaste for each other, one of these men will have to salute the other as the next President of the United States." "(CHEERING, WHISTLING, MARCHING BAND PLAYING)" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "God bless you!" "What was once a dream is now a reality." "WOMAN:" "We love you!" "You know, I've always said that our dreams are like our children." "They need encouragement and support to grow." "They must be nurtured and sheltered but allowed to run free." "We are here to help your dream become real, America." "And I'm confident that we'll be here for a long, long time to come!" "(CHEERING)" "And so it appears the American people have spoken." "(BOOING)" "A few minutes ago," "I congratulated Governor Douglas on his victory." "We fought bravely, but the time has come for us to stand behind our new president and put aside any feelings of ill will, rancor, hostility, and serious doubts about this man's ability to lead a nation..." "That I hope none of us feels." "(CHEERING, WHISTLING, MARCHING BAND PLAYING)" "(FIREWORKS POPPING)" "A funny thing happened on the way to the office tonight." "I got elected president of the United States!" "(CHEERING)" "A funny thing happened on the way to the hotel tonight." "(BOOING)" "No, the people have spoken." "Maybe we don't agree with their decision..." "How are you?" "Congratulations." "What a night!" "I think it's time, sir." "Well, all right, then." "How about it?" "Shall we greet the nation, Mr. Vice president elect?" "I guess so." "But are we sure it's official, sir?" "Ted, President Douglas just conceded." "I'd say that's a pretty damn good sign." "(LAUGHTER)" "Oh." "Yeah." "Let's go." "Yep." "(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)" "(CROWD CHANTING) HANEY!" "I have always believed that dreams are like children." "They need encouragement and support to grow." "But ultimately, it is perseverance that will turn a dream into a reality, countries into world powers, and your own Hiroshi Ashino into Matsamuda's insurance underwriter of the year." "(SINGING "YOU'RE IN THE MONEY" IN JAPANESE)" "Congrats." "What the hell?" "(CHEERING)" "Jesus Christ." "The damn thing just grabbed me." "What the hell am I supposed to do, knock it down?" "You handled it very well, sir." "Oh, you think so, Caldwell?" "Well, tomorrow morning there's going to be a picture of me dancing with a giant dog in every newspaper on this planet." "I believe it was a panda, sir." "The dark fur around the eyes." "Why a Japanese company would choose..." "I don't care." "Did Jefferson dance with a bear?" "Did Lincoln?" "Did Reagan fox trot with a friggin' panda?" "I could check, sir." "The point is I was President of the United States." "I don't dance with animals." "Yes, sir." "No dancing with animals, sir." "Sir, message from the President." "Oh, thanks, Jim." "Jim's off today, sir." "I'm Bruce." "Oh, sorry." "You and Jim look very much alike." "Jim's black, sir." "Yeah." "I know." "But you're both..." "Uh, tall." "Aw, damn it, he's sending me to another funeral." "(CHUCKLING)" "I can't believe I just did it with Matt Douglas." "You were the leader of the free world." "My mother has a commemorative plate with your face on it." "Joanna, you haven't said anything about my book, the new draft." "Better?" "Well, um..." "I'm your editor." "Keep in mind I'm supposed to be critical." "It, um..." "It stinks, right?" "No, it doesn't stink." "I would never..." "Yeah, it is pretty stinky." "I'm sorry." "It's just you spend too much of the book talking about what you wanted to do and didn't do instead of what you did." "That's because I didn't do much." "How's that for honesty?" "I believe that's yours." "Look, Joanna, if the book goes, if it doesn't go, I don't really care." "I'm only writing it 'cause, frankly," "I don't know what else to do." "I'm sure you've got plenty of options." "Not really." "But I'll tell you one thing, I'll never be like Kramer." "Running around the country sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down." "Now, Jimmy Carter, there's a class act." "He goes around building homes for poor people with his own hands." "That's classy." "Well, you could do that." "Yeah, yeah, maybe." "In a couple of years." "But right now, my attitude is they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze." "That was a little too easy." "You guys are getting soft." "Mr. President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that." "You put yourself at great risk, sir." "Oh, yeah, right." "Let me ask you something." "In all the years ex-presidents have had secret-service protection, has there ever been even one assassination attempt on any of them?" "Uh, no, sir." "I find that sad." "The minute you're out of office, they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore." "People are fickle." "Uh, sir, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know how you got out of that bathroom stall without us seeing." "Why don't you guys just relax?" "Take a night off." "Go rent In the Line of Fire again." "MAN:" "We'll be at Air Force One shortly, President Douglas." "DOUGLAS:" "I hate these funerals." "It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on." "I believe the deceased was a Republican, sir." "Oh." "Well, then, it might not be so bad." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Hello, baby." "Daddy's home." "Mr. President." "(SIGHS)" "And there's the old seat." "President Douglas." "President Kramer." "Uh-huh." "Well, that covers that." "(WHISTLING TUNE)" "Russell, I just have to ask." "Hmm?" "When you dance with a panda..." "Who leads?" "(GROANS)" "What, are you working on your book?" "Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." "I find writing very gratifying." "I must." "I've written seven books on my years at the helm." "You've obviously got a great knack for fiction." "(GULPS)" "And how is Mrs. Douglas?" "We're in the middle of a divorce." "Oh, yeah." "I knew that, didn't I?" "I guess life in the White House put too much of a strain on your marriage." "No, it was being out of the White House that Katherine couldn't stand." "Well, gee, that's funny." "Your being out of the White House went over so well with the rest of the country." "Oh, yeah, you want to compare popularity polls?" "Yeah, let's talk about popularity." "There was only one assassination attempt on me." "You had three." "Two!" "The woman in Phoenix doesn't count!" "She only had a starter pistol!" "Stop." "Just stop." "We're only together because a man has died." "I think that we can attempt some semblance of civility, can't we?" "Well, I know I can." "(BUGLE PLAYING TAPS)" "You're a whore." "Admit it." "Admit you're a big whore." "Go ahead." "Name three women from the District of Columbia that you didn't bang when you were in office." "What am I talking about?" "Name one." "Screw you." "Blow me." "(GUNSHOTS FIRE)" "KRAMER:" "When I appointed general Charles Sherman to the Joint Chiefs," "I knew that he was a man with a dream." "And I have always believed that dreams are like our children." "(SIGHS) Buy a new speech, Russell." "That dead general's the lucky one." "He won't ever have to hear it again." "Grab me a towel, would you, Carl?" "You know, I don't like to be interrupted when I'm on the bike." "What's going on?" "Mr. President, I'm afraid a situation's come up." "The Democrats may have some damaging information about Olympia." "Sir..." "Olympia?" "We've had that buried for years." "Yes, sir." "But I was thinking, when all this took place," "Kramer was president." "There's a possibility we could lay the scandal on him." "Yeah, but he didn't know anything about that little deal." "Could always make it appear that he did." "A little fiddling with the records, some judicious rewriting of history." "Oh, I don't know, Carl." "That's tricky stuff." "You know, you get into that kind of thing, you open up a whole new bag of cats." "My honest opinion, if this matter isn't taken care of immediately, no less than the presidency is at stake, sir." "Don't worry, sir." "I think I can promise you this is the last you'll hear about it." "Hear about what?" "Mrs. Sherman has told me that Charlie had a favorite song." "One that always cheered him when he was down." "Please, God, don't let him quote lyrics." "And I can't think of anything more fitting than to share with you the words from that song now." "Oh, Christ." "(SIGHS)" "Muskrat Susie..." "Muskrat Sam..." "Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land." "And they shimmy." "And Sammy's so skinny." "Oy." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Mr. President, hello." "Kaye!" "What a lovely surprise." "And how is my favorite television news person?" "Oh, I'm your favorite?" "I thought Diane Sawyer was your favorite." "She is." "How is she?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Rumor has it a major scandal is about to blow." "And it may involve you." "Oh, not me, Kaye." "My nose is clean." "What I'm hearing is that your last year in office you took a very generous, let's call it a fee, for delivering a big defense contract." "I'm just looking for a confirmation on that." "Are you saying that I took a k..." "A kickback?" "Excuse me, Matt." "You got a minute?" "Sure, Joe." "Looks like Haney's involved in this Kramer kickback story, but there's a defense contractor who's prepared to say that Kramer's the guy he paid off." "Kramer?" "Then that's that." "Cased closed." "No, it's not." "Our sources tell us that Haney's shifting the blame." "Word is it was done over lunch in the Oval Office." "Oh, really?" "Just you and the contractor." "Very cozy." "Who is this contractor?" "The contractor's Charlie Reynolds." "Oh, you're kidding." "Charlie?" "Charlie." "Now, Mr. President, you know I would tell you the name of the contractor if I was your favorite television news person, but since I'm not..." "Take care." "Margaret, did you hear that?" "Yeah, I did." "It's a crock, and we both know it." "It's a kick in the balls." "Sorry, sweetheart." "Please, I'm a politician's wife." "I have a set of my own." "Look, I know you and Charlie were friends, but the poor bastard's in over his head." "Now, you're going to Washington for that book convention, right?" "I think it would be a great time for you to stop and see your old friend and talk to him." "Yeah, well, I'd like to help you, Joe, but I'm not getting involved." "Matt, if you do this for us, the party'd be extremely grateful." "We both know you want another crack at that Oval Office." "Hold on." "I told you I was thinking about running again." "Just thinking." "Besides, the party wouldn't back me again." "They wouldn't." "Would they?" "Of course they would." "I'm the Democratic chairman." "We need your help." "And if you're seriously considering running again, you're gonna need ours." "When was this supposed to have taken place?" "It was seven years ago." "I don't understand it." "I mean, why me and why now?" "Who stands to benefit from framing me?" "MAN:" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States." "I've been thinking about your offer, Joe." "Not that I'd ever run again, but do you really think the party would back me if I helped out?" "(CHUCKLES) It's already been discussed, Mr. President." "Really?" "Now that I think of it, there is an extra bonus to this." "Maybe to get the son of a bitch I hate and the son of a bitch I really hate..." "I'll do it." "Just get me the name of that contractor." "You got to dig that up for me, Caldwell." "I'll get right on it, sir." "Sir, we agreed the zipper would be in the up position." "It's part of the deal, sir." "I wonder what they'd pay me if I tattooed their damn logo across my ass." "I could ask." "Just drive the cart!" "Yes." "Yes!" "You know, I've actually thought about playing professionally." "Ah, well, gee, I don't know about that, Bill." "I think that the ladies tour likes their players to be a little more masculine." "Ah!" "(GIGGLES)" "Hold this, Russ." "(CROWD GASPING)" "Thank you, Russ." "That's for you." "You son of a..." "MAN:" "Ohh!" "I'm so sorry, and I'm so embarrassed, and I hope that this doesn't scare you away from golf because it's such a great sport." "I know your people, the black people, don't really enjoy the game." "But I think that's because you can't get into the nice clubs." "The restricted ones." "And on the other hand, your people are so good at so many sports that maybe it's good that we white folk have a sport you guys are not so good at." "Mr. Vice President, this way." "Is there a problem?" "There'll be less of one if you step this way." "Okay." "So long." "Oh, man, I'm getting a cramp." "Interesting game we got here." "You're playing pretty tough, Bill." "Tough enough to win, I hope." "Yeah." "Maybe." "But you never know when you're gonna get stuck with a bad lie." "(CROWD GASPS)" "(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)" "Watch out." "Here comes Douglas fighting back from behind." "Too little too late." "You're never gonna catch us." "No, but I'm pretty sure I'll catch one of you." "KRAMER:" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, excellent work, Caldwell." "I'll be in touch." "Bye-bye." "So what did he find?" "It's Charlie Reynolds." "He's the friggin' contractor who says I took that kickback." "Don't say "frigging," Russ." "If you have to use the "f" word, go for the gold." "Now why would he say such a thing?" "I think he's covering for Haney." "It's Haney's mess, but now he's shifting the stink to me." "I didn't think he was that smart." "He learned from the master." "I met Reynolds once." "Haney brought him in to the office for lunch, but nothing much happened." "As I remember, we sat around talking about golf most of the time." "Now Reynolds is getting ready to release an affidavit saying that at that meeting he was alone with me." "Don't do that with the liquor, Russ." "It's so George Bush." "Hey, wait a minute." "Yeah, wait a minute." "If the meeting took place in the Oval Office, then there has to be a record of it in the appointment log naming everybody present." "Well, this is easy." "I send Caldwell down to the national archives and get some hard evidence that I can shove right in Reynolds' face." "Well done, dear." "Now, before we check out, do you want me to steal all the little shampoos and conditioners?" "Oh, God, Margaret." "Come on, now, please." "I already got them." "What do you mean it's not there?" "Sir, I have the appointment log right in front of me." "I see your name, Charles Reynolds' name, and at the bottom, the word "Olympia" circled in red." "Sir?" "Sir?" "KRAMER:" "Don't be a moron, Charlie!" "You're saying you offered me a kickback right there in the Oval Office, and I took it?" "That's how I remember it, sir." "As I recall, just the two of us were there." "And you were very pleased about the deal." "Wait a minute." "Just the two of us?" "Are you sure about that?" "Mr president, I don't believe we have anything further to discuss." "Oh, yes." "We have lots to discuss, Chuckie." "How's this for openers, you and your buddies tampering with official documents in the national archives?" "That's gonna be kind of hard to explain when you get subpoenaed, isn't it?" "I'm sorry, sir." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "I'm going to have to stand by my original statement." "Well, you're gonna stand alone, buster." "Let's go, Bruce." "It's Jim, sir." "Yeah, yeah." "You're black, you're tall." "Whoop-dee-friggin'-doo." "Let's go." "Mr. Reynolds, the president is here." "He just left." "No, another one." "Charlie, old buddy." "Matt?" "What do you say we take a walk, talk about old times." "(THUNDER RUMBLES)" "I assure you, Matt, the arrangement was made with President Kramer and President Kramer alone." "Charlie, we're friends." "I want to believe you." "But there are people who say it wasn't that way." "Now, this is turning into a huge political bomb." "Not that I mind, 'cause when it blows, my party's going to begin." "Look, Haney, Kramer, one of them is going down." "Now, the Democrats can offer you immunity if you give us a name." "Now, come on, Charlie, who took the kickback?" "Now, please, tell me it's Kramer." "If it is, I'll give you a big kiss on the lips." "Tongue, no tongue, your choice." "REYNOLDS:" "Carl, I'm in a very tough spot here." "I know, Charlie, but there's nothing to worry about." "Just hang tight." "They came to my office yesterday, Carl." "They came to my place of business." "Now, look, I know we have a deal, but if I knew this was going to be happening," "I wouldn't have signed on." "Just be calm and know that you have the full power of the White House behind you." "Okay?" "I'll be in touch." "(TELEPHONE CLICKS)" "Reynolds sounds shaky." "I better get over there and give our friend a little moral support." "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Okay, folks." "Please step back." "Form a line." "Thank you." "Everyone will get an autograph." "A cookbook." "He wrote a cookbook!" "How dare he?" "Well, you know, when he was president, he did cook for his guests all the time." "That's not the point." "Did George Washington write a book called Your Wooden Teeth and You?" "Did William Howard Taft write 30 Days to a Slimmer Ass?" "It's shameful, just shameful!" "Mr. President!" "Oh, yeah." "It's okay, Chet." "Sir, Mr. Reynolds would appreciate you signing this for his daughter." "Charlie?" "Yes, sir." "Be glad to." "There you go." "This will make him very happy." "President Douglas, here's that turkey and Swiss you ordered." "Uh, just one moment." "Uh, Chet." "Chet, could you..." "I didn't order a sandwich." "Yes, sir." "Sandwich boy." "Come with us, sir." "Drop the bag, please." "Hands behind your back." "What did I do?" "Do not move." "He said turkey and swiss!" "MAN:" "What's in the bag, son?" "A sandwich!" "(CROWD MURMURING)" "(HORN BLARES)" "You made the right choice, Charlie." "I hope so, Matt." "Get in." "President Douglas!" "It's my duty to officially serve you with this subpoena." "Oh, God!" "Did you have to do that?" "I've always admired you, sir." "(GROANS)" "What the hell?" "Aw, my ex-wife." "Damn." "Don't ever get a divorce, Charlie." "I swear, half the time," "I wish somebody'd just walk up and shoot me." "Oh, my God!" "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?" "Hey, what's going on, Douglas?" "What are you..." "Oh, my God." "He's dead." "Oh, my God!" "Hey, what the hell..." "Shut up, Kramer." "Don't make a scene." "What did you do?" "Oh, what did I do?" "Right, you caught me." "We got into a huge argument about your cookbook, so I plugged him." "You got a problem with my cookbook?" "Kramer!" "We are two ex-presidents of the United States inches away from a dead man." "This is not a good place for us to be." "What were you doing with Reynolds?" "You know about Olympia, don't you?" "I know about the kickback you took." "I didn't take any damn kickback." "And what business is it of yours, anyway?" "Let's not discuss it here." "Where can we go and talk?" "I know." "Follow me." "(DOG BARKING)" "Douglas, for the last time," "I'm telling you everything I know, and I don't have the slightest clue what the hell Olympia is." "Excuse me, Dad, did you guys want something to drink?" "Fruit juice for me, honey." "I'd kill for a vodka tonic." "I'm sure we can swing that." "I never touch alcohol." "Dulls the senses." "You're so full of shit." "Hi, there." "We're talking big-people talk." "You didn't hear that, did you?" "Here, here." "Money." "That's for you." "Thanks." "Please don't do that!" "Why not?" "I'm just showing your grandson how you got elected." "Grandpa, play with me." "I can't right now, Davey, but here." "See, you take this and run along." "Grandpa." "Okay." "Give me the gun." "Now, you go hide." "I'll count down from 100 and then come find you, okay?" "Okay!" "Skedaddle." "100!" "99!" "Nine..." "Okay, where were we?" "DOUGLAS:" "Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow." "KRAMER:" "I'm involved?" "Well, what about you?" "You were the one sitting in the car next to a dead man." "Well, now you know." "I enjoy spending time with dead men." "You don't believe me?" "Go ahead and die." "It will perk me right up." "You..." "Daddy, there's someone here to see you." "Huh?" "Good afternoon, sirs." "Colonel Paul Tanner, N.S.A." "President Haney needs to meet with the both of you as quickly as possible." "We have transportation to Camp David on the way." "Yeah, but, Colonel, how did you find us here?" "We know where you are at all times, sir." "That's our business." "Major, is there a problem?" "I don't remember the flight to Camp David taking this long." "Mr. President, I'm sorry." "My orders didn't mention Camp David." "We were told we were going to Camp David to meet with President Haney." "Sir, as far as I know, President Haney's back at the White House." "Something's wrong." "Oh, swell." "Now what?" "Haney's back in Washington." "They're taking us out to the middle of nowhere." "Oh, that duplicitous little turd." "DOUGLAS:" "Major, I want to speak to the White House immediately." "I'm sorry, sir." "I've been instructed to maintain radio silence." "Then put this bird on the ground right now and that's an order!" "Respectfully, sir, I can't do that." "My orders are classified." "All right, major, you land this contraption or I'll blow your friggin' head off!" "(WATER SWISHES)" "You gentlemen said you wanted to maintain radio silence." "Douglas!" "What the hell?" "You don't shoot a gun off in a confined area!" "Are you trying to deafen us all?" "Just get out of the chopper." "What?" "Get out of the chopper!" "The crops?" "Get out!" "What do we do now?" "I don't know." "It's our butts if we let them out of our sight." "If I have to get a hearing aid after this, don't be surprised when I send you the bill." "If I have to listen to you bitch, don't be surprised when I beat you to death with my shoe!" "Oh, yeah?" "Now what the hell are they doing?" "Get out of here!" "Get out!" "Go on!" "Get going!" "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "DOUGLAS:" "Gee, they're not leaving, Russell." "Maybe if you make a scary face." "Wait a minute, Einstein." "Do you know we never had to leave the chopper?" "You've got their gun." "We could've made them take us back to Washington." "Now you figure that out!" "Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods." "Just shut up and flag them down." "All right." "Come on down." "Bring it down." "Bring it down!" "They're down." "(INSECTS CHIRPING, ANIMALS HOWLING)" "KRAMER:" "I don't believe this." "It's madness!" "And you know what really gives me the red ass?" "DOUGLAS:" "The red ass?" "Haney's behind the whole thing." "Well, damn it, he's not gonna get away with it." "We'll go public." "I'm gonna call Kaye Griffin, we'll go on TV, and we'll tell them about Reynolds' murder and the helicopter explosion." "Are you crazy?" "We can't go public without evidence!" "We'll look like a couple of morons!" "The people will believe us!" "Why?" "Because we're presidents." "Okay, they won't believe us." "What the hell are we supposed to do now?" "I don't know." "Wilkerson, call Douglas and Kramer's families, tell them the presidents were called away to an emergency summit." "They will not be reachable, and we have no further information." "Unless you find them in that wreckage, they're still out there with about a three-hour head start." "Put up checkpoints for 10 square miles around that crash site." "I want this resolved tonight." "(HOOTING)" "I'm hungry." "Give me one of those tootsie rolls you've got." "(GROANS)" "Wait a minute." "There's a half." "You owe me." "I owe you?" "What, a penny?" "Man, you are one cheap son of a bitch." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I am one cheap son of a bitch, and that's exactly what's gonna save our backsides." "I had the White House kitchen staff track every meal so I wouldn't go over budget." "They have a complete record of everything served and to whom." "You're even cheaper than I thought." "Aw, stow it, sailor." "That log is gonna prove that Haney was at that lunch with Reynolds, and it's not in the national archives." "It's at my presidential library in Ohio." "So I'll just call the library and have them fax the records to a few key people." "No, you can't call." "Somebody wants us dead." "When they find out we're not, they're going to come looking for us." "That means they're gonna be tapping some phones." "Our home phones, our office phones." "Yeah, that's right." "Yeah." "I don't know." "Well, how are we gonna contact the library?" "It's a nice night to walk to Ohio." "Walk to Ohio?" "We don't even know what state we're in!" "Come on, Grandpa." "What'd you say?" "You heard me." "Try to keep up with me, buster." "(PIANO PLAYS)" "Joe Hollis." "Thank you." "Hello, Joe." "Well, Kaye, what an unexpected and bloodcurdling surprise." "You just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside, don't you?" "What have you heard about the Kramer scandal?" "Not a word." "Now, if you'll excuse me, my salad's getting cold." "Kramer's office cancelled all of his appointments this week." "Seems he's disappeared." "Honey, I have a tough enough time keeping track of the Democrats, let alone..." "Douglas has dropped off the planet, too." "What a coincidence." "I tell you what, If I hear so much as one word, you'll be the very first to know, okay?" "Come on, Joe." "What's going on here?" "Is it possible that Kramer and Douglas are in on this together?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Over their dead bodies." "(GROANS)" "How's it going?" "(GASPS)" "Oh." "(GASPS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Are you them?" "I mean, are you the real guys?" "Oh, yeah." "We are." "Oh, man!" "I think you're awesome." "No fair peaking." "Oh, uh, sorry about that." "I'm just kidding." "I think you're doing a great job, too." "Nice stance." "That's important." "It's an honor, sir." "I can't shake right now." "I have to keep my hands on the first penis." "Oh, uh, uh, no problem." "Uh..." "It's a pleasure to meet ya!" "(LAUGHING)" "Ooh, boy!" "The first penis?" "Actually, I think that's what I'm gonna call it from now on." "What do you think, blinky?" "(ZIPPER ZIPS)" "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "So what's the deal, fellas?" "Bobby didn't say nothin' about no presidents." "Figured I was working this gig alone." "It don't matter none." "What's your name?" "Matt Douglas." "No, sir, but I know who you're supposed to look like." "What are your real names?" "Tom... and, uh, this is Blinky." "Tom and Blinky." "I'm Francis." "Let's get one thing straight." "No sharing tips." "Once we get on that train, it's every man for himself until we pull into Cleveland." "Now, let's rock and roll." "We'll be right there." "Cleveland!" "I think we're out of the woods..." "Blinky." "You dirty, son of a... (WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(ELVIS SINGING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Hey, everybody." "(CHEERING)" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "(BOOING)" "Oh, this is going to be fun." "(WHISTLE BLOWING)" "It's spooky." "He really looks like him." "Nah, his nose is bigger." "WOMAN:" "Mister, have you ever met the real President Kramer?" "Actually, I have." "A great American." "MAN:" "Give me a break!" "Our dreams are like children?" "They need to be nurtured." "They need to be supported." "They need to eat their vegetables." "Prick." "This is so weird." "I shouldn't tell you this, but a couple of years ago," "I had a thing with the real President Douglas at a fourth of July do." "And we did." "How about that." "Stick a fork in the guy." "He's done." "He was president." "He had his four years." "We don't need another piece-of-crap book from him." "I thought he was a good president." "MAN:" "All these old guys, they want to stay in the game, but they don't have it anymore." "Lie down, old fella, you're dead, and you don't know it!" "(LAUGHTER)" "Hey!" "Did you see that?" "A muscle spasm." "I've been getting them lately." "I'm terribly sorry." "I don't know what..." "They just..." "There it goes again." "It just seems to..." "It's very embarrassing." "I'd better go and take my medication." "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how was he?" "Any good?" "Well, to tell you the truth, it was a lot like his presidency." "There was a lot of talk leading up to it, but then he didn't do much." "(GIGGLES)" "Excuse me." "Douglas, this thing stops in Akron, which isn't far from Cuyahoga Falls where my library is." "What's it doing there?" "Weren't you born in Cleveland?" "Well, yeah, I was, but Cleveland wouldn't cut me a decent deal on the property taxes." "I mean, moving that house was a bitch, but the financial benefits have been fantastic." "(WHISTLE BLOWS, BELL RINGING)" "DOUGLAS:" "I don't think we're gonna make it to Akron." "Let's start at the front of the train and move back." "We'll do it quickly, we'll do it quietly." "Meet us at the next station." "That's where we'll pull them off." "Let's move." "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "Oh, great!" "We're at the end of the line." "(BELL RINGING)" "Oh, my God!" "How are we gonna do this?" "It's simple." "You just jump, tuck, and roll." "It's all hay and grass out there." "It's the amber waves of grain." "I can't do that." "Of course you can." "You can do it!" "Come on!" "I can't!" "Close your eyes, count to three." "We'll jump together." "Now, come on." "Close them, Russell!" "Close them!" "All right." "Count one... two..." "God that felt good." "(GULPS) One, two, three!" "(BELL RINGING)" "(GROANING)" "Jesus." "(SIGHS)" "Douglas!" "Where are you?" "Oh, damn it." "Douglas!" "DOUGLAS:" "Stop yelling, you dick." "Okay." "Where are you?" "I'm over here." "Nice amber waves." "I think I got a chunk of purple mountain's majesty up my ass." "Here." "Just don't." "Just don't help me." "The last thing I need is you helping me." "That's fine by me." "Let's go." "(SNIFFS)" "Do you smell food?" "(SNIFFS)" "Ohh!" "(DOOR CHIMES)" "I'm out of money." "Lend me five bucks for a burger." "What kind of burger?" "Uh, one with bacon." "That's $1.99." "Yeah..." "You want $5 to buy a $1.99 hamburger, and you're wondering why the Democrats are in trouble." "Oh, we got company." "(DOOR CHIMES)" "Do you know who those two guys are?" "They're presidents." "Cool." "Presidents of what?" "Great." "Cleveland, Ohio." "Oh, God, I hope this works." "We don't have any other choice." "Hi, I'm Matt Douglas." "This is President Kramer." "How do you do?" "I'm sure it's a bit overwhelming for you to meet us like this, but we're on a fact-finding mission for the interstate commerce commission." "Headed for Ohio?" "Yep." "Yeah, well, we have to ride with you so we can gain a personal perspective on the transportation capabilities of our interstate system." "Well, nobody rides for free." "Cost you 50 bucks." "Well, we don't have any cash." "I'll take your watch." "Well, you must be joking." "That's a constellation." "It was given to me by Gorbachev." "(SIGHS)" "This really steams my clams." "There are only two watches like that in the entire world." "Reagan has one, and now Shamu the killer hick has the other." "Will you shut up?" "We don't want to piss her off." "The burrito's really great." "Better you eatin' them than me." "I'm dieting." "Really?" "You don't need to." "What's wrong with you?" "I'm obese." "Open your damn eyes." "I don't think you're obese." "You must be one of those rare gals who look good carrying an extra one, two..." "Hundred pounds." "What are you saying?" "I'm fat." "I'm a fat pig." "You know, that's the trouble with you boys in Washington." "You wouldn't know the plain truth if it jumped up and bit you in the butt." "Nice job not pissing her off." "So, uh, what are we hauling'?" "Nothing exciting'." "Farm equipment." "Uh-huh." "I'm gonna have to pull over." "Now, not to worry anybody, but you might want to make a run for it." "What the hell is..." "Come on, come on, come on." "MAN:" "Halt!" "Stop where you are!" "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "This is immigration and naturalization service." "What?" "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "(SHOUTING)" "Farm equipment?" "I knew that damn broad was trouble!" "All I care is that chopper's not for us." "That chopper's for us." "This is I.N.S. 1-1." "You are interfering with an official operation." "You must vacate this area immediately." "Negative I.N.S." "We're in the middle of a highly classified N.S.A. Operation." "You are ordered to leave the area." "Negative." "I will not abort my mission until I'm given proper verification of your authority." "Verification acknowledged." "Have a nice night." "Senores!" "Huh?" "Down here!" "(SHOUTING)" "MAN:" "Burt, what do you have?" "MAN 2:" "Nothing yet, sir!" "Let's face it, Douglas." "We're dead." "(SPANISH ACCENT) No." "They no kill you, senor." "They send you back." "You wait one month and then you try again." "I try four times already." "I love this country." "Do me a favor, son." "Put el socko in it." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Are you talking about me?" "No." "Are you cold?" "Si." "Here." "Take this." "Oh, no, no, no." "Is okay." "Take it." "I could be dead in a couple of minutes." "I won't need it." "Gracias, senor." "Now you take this." "No, don't worry about it." "No, no, no, take it." "You give to me, now I give to you." "This help me get to my new home." "America." "Maybe this will help you get to where you have to go." "Thanks." "Gracias, mi amigo." "(THUNK)" "Hey." "Oh, no." "They're coming." "They're coming." "You're crazy!" "It is true!" "Everybody in this country has a gun!" "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "There he goes!" "My coat." "They think he's me." "Well, he's not, so he'll be okay." "Let's get out of here." "Oh, hey, by the way..." "Let's talk." "Why?" "'Cause I'm bored." "I have nothing to say to you." "Well, I have nothing to say to you." "That doesn't mean we can't talk." "My parents proved that conclusively." "(SIGHS)" "What do you miss most about the office?" "I don't miss anything." "I don't live in the past." "(SIGHS)" "Rita." "What about Rita?" "Oh, God, Rita." "Yes, I do miss Rita." "Greatest cook the White House ever had." "The only cook the White House ever had." "I think Rita started with George Washington." "You know, when I couldn't sleep," "I'd go downstairs, and she'd make this dessert." "It was a cream puff with raspberry sauce..." "Did you ever have one of her pizzas?" "(GASPS)" "It was like a wet dream with a crust." "A wet dream?" "I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream"" "I'll wake up screaming every night till I die." "There's nothing wrong with wet dreams." "Stop!" "I had a couple when I was a kid." "Great." "I'll look for that exhibit in your library." "Just stop!" "Okay, I got one." "When you were in the White House, who was the person you were most excited to meet?" "Nelson Mandela." "I'm not a reporter." "Ella Fitzgerald." "Ah." "Mandela was a great man, but he couldn't sing worth shit." "Joe DiMaggio." "That was a thrill." "What?" "Eighty million." "That's how many people voted against me the last time out." "That's how many people didn't trust me, didn't like me, didn't..." "Who knows?" "I stayed in bed for a week and a half after they voted me out." "Let's stop talking." "We're about to bond." "It'll make me vomit." "Oh, why don't you go to hell?" "Now, that's better." "What time you got?" "Screw you!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Hold it." "Hold it." "I think I hear people." "Wayne, slow down." "That bacon doesn't have wings." "It won't fly away." "I want to get back on the road." "Sweet Jesus." "Good morning!" "It's wonderful to see an American family out enjoying the natural splendor of our great country." "President Kramer!" "KRAMER:" "Yes, ma'am." "I'm so pleased to meet you." "Won't you please sit down." "That's all, son." "You can put it at ease." "That's it." "I'm on a fact-finding mission from the department of the interior." "Now tell me, do you find that the rest areas are conveniently located and properly maintained?" "Oh, um, yes, sir." "Good morning." "President Douglas!" "Well, it's been a delight speaking to you folks." "And don't forget, these woods are your heritage." "Enjoy them and protect them." "They deserve our respect." "These trees are like our children." "Get in the damn car!" "Bye-bye." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Oh, yeah." "Hey, we're just south of Galax, Virginia." "In a couple of miles, we hit 77." "That takes us all the way directly into Ohio." "We're fine." "Unless we run into trouble." "Which I predict we won't." "(COOING)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "If you'd have told us how important the mission was, we'd have loaned you the car straight-out, no questions asked." "Again, we apologize, but, you know, those boys from the department of the interior can be very secretive." "We're just happy that you're headed for Cleveland." "That's where we have to file our report." "Well, we're just happy to do our part." "Hey, another out-of-state license plate, Kevin." "We're hoping to spot all 50 states." "We're gettin' there, too." "Can anybody make that one out?" "Looks like a "U."" "Utah!" "Utah!" "No, that's a U.S. Government plate." "Guy looks like a cop or something." "Hey, good buddy!" "God bless America!" "Keep on truckin'!" "Hey, hey, now!" "Wave, Kevin!" "Well, he wasn't too friendly, now, was he?" "Mom!" "The presidents are squishing' me!" "Isn't this fun?" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(BABY SCREAMING)" "(INSECTS CHIRPING)" "We're never getting to Ohio." "Not the way this guy drives." "Every 500 feet they stop to take another damn picture." "The Donner party moved faster." "Aw, shut up." "I'm trying to sleep." "Oh, my God, he's squeezing my breast again." "This time, pretend not to enjoy it." "Aw, shut your cake hole, Douglas." "Hi." "Hello." "You know, we'd have been fine outside in the tent, but thanks for sharing the bed." "It means a lot." "Oh, sure." "You know, we voted for you." "Oh." "Oh, I-I'm sorry about that, sir." "We're Republican." "Well, at least you can admit it." "That's the first step towards recovery." "(KEVIN GROANING)" "I'm hot!" "Ahhh!" "Any idea how much longer to Cleveland, Wayne?" "I may have to call the boys in our department and tell them what time to expect us." "Oh, about eight to 10 hours." "You know, I was thinking, after we drop you off," "I might take the family up to the Dakotas to see Mount Rushmore." "That's one of America's greatest natural wonders, son." "DOUGLAS:" "Not really." "It's not a natural wonder." "A man by the name of Gutzon Borglum carved it." "What?" "Somebody carved it?" "Well, that ruins the whole thing." "Whoops!" "Diaper patrol, Matt!" "Looks like we'll need those pampers again!" "Whoo!" "KRAMER:" "Oh, boy." "Is he healthy?" "Dad, who's on Mount Rushmore?" "Well, there's Abe Lincoln." "He chopped down the cherry tree." "And then there's Franklin Theodore Roosevelt." "He killed him a bear when he was only three." "DOUGLAS:" "You got to be kidding, right, Wayne?" "You got Lincoln mixed up with George Washington and you've got the Roosevelt's mixed up with Davy Crockett." "Do you have any idea what you're talking about?" "Uh, no disrespect, sir, but you're in my car." "Well, you're in my country." "Well, our country." "Get your facts straight." "How do you expect your son to respect the nation's history if you don't?" "That kind of ignorance is dangerous." "Forget our nation's history." "What about our nation right now?" "Wayne, don't." "No." "The country's fallin' apart." "People are losin' their homes." "They can't find work." "You talk about ignorance." "You're the ignorant ones, both of you." "Why, you've..." "You've ignored the voice of the people." "The voice of the people?" "There is no such thing." "You got 240 million voices all yelling for something different." "The only thing you all seem to agree on is you don't want higher taxes." "The voice of the people, my fanny." "Pull over, Wayne." "Kevin, honey, run throw this in the trash for mama, okay?" "Okay." "There we go." "Please get out of our car." "Listen, I'm sorry..." "No." "We invited you into our home." "Not our car..." "Our home." "We lost our jobs because of your budget cuts, President Kramer." "And we lost our home because of your economic downturn," "President Douglas." "All we have now is the slim chance of a job at my uncle's paint factory in Cleveland." "So I will ask you once again." "Please..." "Get out of our car." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "DOUGLAS:" "Joe, it's me." "Oh, Matt." "Where the hell are you and what's going on?" "I'm with Kramer." "Are you kidding me, Matt?" "Haney had Charlie Reynolds killed, now they're trying to kill us." "What?" "Haney?" "Well, I'm pretty sure." "He sent Marine One to pick us up, and we got out just before it blew up." "My God." "I didn't want to call anyone, but you're the only person I can trust." "Listen, get in touch with your CIA contacts." "See if they can find out what the hell this is all about." "Okay, you got it." "Now for Christ's sake, keep out of sight." "It's okay." "I think we're in the clear." "I haven't seen any N.S.A. yet today, so I'm guessing we lost them." "(COMPUTER BEEPING)" "They're moving north?" "What a coincidence." "So are we." "(GROANING) Ohh, baby." "Excuse me." "How much is that piece of pie?" "$1.50." "Oh, never mind, but thank you." "Hey." "Here you go." "It's on the house." "I'm sorry." "I couldn't do that." "I said it was on the house, old man." "Old man?" "Old man." "Okay, let's go." "What's the matter?" "I want to get the hell out of here." "I'm gonna call home, tell my wife that I'm okay, and I don't give a damn if the phone is tapped." "You do what you want, but when the N.S.A. shows up, we'll know who gave us away, won't we?" "Good morning!" "How can I..." "(GASPS)" "Oh, my!" "(SQUEALING) Oh, my!" "Is this for real?" "Is this a joke or what?" "No, it's really us." "No." "Get out of here!" "Get out!" "Charlene, what's wrong?" "Oh, my God." "BOTH:" "President Douglas." "And President Kramer..." "BOTH:" "On our shift!" "We'd, uh, like to rent a car." "Oh, we only got two cars left because of that big livestock auction." "Would you like a Hyundai or a Lexus?" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Stupid!" "Stupid!" "Stupid!" "Oh, I'm sorry!" "Miss airhead, at your service." "Okay, now, we'll need to see some identification, please." "(CAR ALARM BLARING)" "(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(TURN SIGNAL CLICKING)" "(ALARM, TURN SIGNAL SHUTS OFF)" "(CAR ALARM BLARING)" "Well?" "What?" "I haven't driven myself since my first year in the house." "Give me a second." "It's like riding a bike." "(WHISTLING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF")" "Will you stop whistling, please?" "I'm trying to sleep over here." "Sleeping too much is a sign of depression." "Yeah, well, you keep whistling, and I'll put a depression in your skull." "We've got damn near eight hours before we get to the library." "I'm trying to stay alert." "I hate that song." "So do I. I made up words to the damn thing." "What?" "I made up words to Hail to the Chief." "I sing them to myself every time they play it." "I made up words to it, too." "Yeah?" "Let me hear yours." "No, you go first." "No, no." "You do yours, then I'll sing mine." "♪ Hail to the chief" "♪ He's the chief and he needs hailing" "♪ He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy" "♪ Hail to... ♪" "That's more or less..." "Mmm-hmm." "Okay, well, let's hear your version, Gershwin." "No." "What do you mean no?" "I sang mine." "I know." "You're an idiot." "Mr. President, CNN's set up near the park." "Maybe you should put this on." "Not so fast, Carl." "Slow down." "I don't like people running faster than I do." "It makes me look poky." "Sorry, sir." "Lakers?" "I thought we were solid in Los Angeles?" "We were, sir, but then you cut back on disaster relief." "Too fast again." "Sorry." "I don't want to wear this." "I'm a Houston fan." "Ted!" "Hey, a hat." "Kaye Griffin called this morning." "She's getting ready to report that Douglas and Kramer have dropped out of sight and they're working together to expose a major cover-up." "I'll look into that right away." "Well, you better." "I want those idiots found before they dig any deeper." "What?" "What are you doing?" "I needed a cup of coffee." "Oh, good." "Did you get me one?" "No." "You cheap bastard." "I only had 50 cents." "Give me a sip." "Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington love machine." "No dice." "You could spit in a petri dish and start a whole new civilization." "Here, you want to lick the lid?" "Screw you." "Give me that." "Decaf?" "You pussy!" "I gotta go find a john!" "Sir, I'm Agent Wilkerson." "We have reason to believe your life is in danger." "We've been ordered to transfer you out of the area." "("MACARENA" PLAYING)" "DOUGLAS:" "♪ Hey, Macarena ♪" "Sir, if you could just step out of the vehicle." "We'll get you to the..." "(GROANS)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "(TIRES SCREECH, ENGINE TURNS OVER)" "(HORN HONKS) Hurry up!" "Get in!" "Did we get collision coverage?" "Why?" "Oh, nothing." "Look out!" "Hold on!" "(LAUGHING)" "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "Jesus!" "Get it out!" "I'm trying!" "I can't see!" "Get it the hell out!" "Go!" "Ahh!" "Nice going, Mario." "Shut up." "That way." "Oh, not good." "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Now what?" "Just blend in." "Just blend in." "Look!" "It's the president!" "Hi!" "Hi!" "How are you?" "President Kramer?" "President Douglas?" "How's it going?" "This is amazing." "Not really." "We march in these things all the time." "Wow!" "(CHEERING)" "(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)" "("SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW" PLAYING)" "Oh, my Lord  Taylor!" "What are you doing here?" "Are you coming out?" "No, no, no, no." "I've always supported gay rights." "I'm not coming out." "He is." "Closet case." "Very sad." "Are you talking about me?" "No." "Don't hide who you really are." "Be brave." "Here you go." "It's a freedom-ring necklace." "Wear it with pride." "Watch out." "Come here." "What's wrong, ladies?" "I don't think you can help much, Dorothy, unless you and your ruby slippers can get us to Cuyahoga Falls." "No." "But I have some friends who might be able to lend a hand." "(BEEPING)" "(BUZZER)" "You know, after that bike ride" "I think I'm changing my position on an important issue." "Yeah?" "I think the military can definitely use some of those gals." "Now, is this impressive, or what?" "Research room is down that way." "Uh-huh." "Wait a minute." "Hmm-hmm-hmm." "Oh, my, oh, my." "Uh-huh." "DOUGLAS:" "How about this?" "Huh?" "Ha ha." "Oh, yeah." "Uh-huh." "Oh, you gotta be kidding." "KRAMER:" "Our dreams are like our children." "Huh?" "Don't you fall into the trap." "Democrats are full of crap." "Anything you really like, I can get it for you at cost." "I feel dirty." "DOUGLAS:" "Have you found it yet?" "Working on it." "Hey, there's something you never got." "I was Time magazine's "man of the year."" "So was Hitler." "Not twice." "Hey!" "Here it is." ""Chef's log, October 14th, lunch." "Oval office,"" ""President Kramer and Charles Reynolds,"" ""ham and cheese omelets, $6.95 each."" "What the..." "Where's Haney?" "He isn't here." "They must have fixed this book, too." "They knew we were coming." "(CREAKING) Where's your gun?" "Oh, I have it..." "In my coat." "Get that light." "Hey, great job, Douglas!" "Oh, God, it's Ben." "(GROANS)" "Hurry up with the ice." "Excuse me." "I don't know my way around "Kramer world."" "Lucky for you, Ben, we came along when we did." "You were in a pretty bad way." "I can't say that I can recall that ever happening before." "A book just falling off a shelf like that." "Ben, is there any way someone could have broken in here without you knowing?" "No, sir." "Not on my shift." "Oh, I just remembered..." "A young lady gave me an envelope for you." "Told me to be sure you got it." "I think she said she was a friend from Washington." "Washington?" "What the heck is this?" ""Dear Mr. President, my name is Kathleen Taylor."" ""I'm Charles Reynolds' secretary."" ""Mr. Reynolds has disappeared."" ""I don't know who to turn to."" ""The last people he spoke with were you,"" ""President Douglas, and Carl Witnaur."" "DOUGLAS:" "Witnaur?" "Haney's chief of staff." "That son of a bitch." "He lives just outside of D.C. in Chevy Chase." "I was there a couple months ago for a dinner he threw." "My God did he put on a spread." "Those little chicken livers with the bacon wrapped around them and the toothpick, and the dip for the broccoli..." "Could you focus, please?" "I'm sorry." "Look, if we left..." "If we left now, we could get there by early morning, huh?" "Ben, we're gonna need to borrow your car." "Is that okay?" "Do I have a choice?" "No." "Then it's okay." "Thank you." "(GIGGLES)" "Oooh!" "Carl!" "Oh, ahh!" "WITNAUR:" "Ow, ow, ow, honey, honey, you're hurting me." "DOUGLAS:" "Better her than me, Carl." "This is President Douglas, I'm with President Kramer, and that's a gun pressed against your head." "Well, I'm assuming that's your head." "(MUMBLING)" "This is unbelievable." "How dare you?" "KRAMER:" "Look, Witnaur, we're gonna ask this just once." "What is Olympia, and who is behind it?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Okay." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Matt!" "I'm damn glad to see you." "Yeah, well, it's good to see you, too, Joe." "Joe, we could use a little help out here." "Wait a minute..." "Is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold?" "Yeah." "Well, come on in." "Carl, my CIA buddies were clueless about what you were up to, but they gave me something just for this occasion." "So, my boy, I hope this goes well." "It's all brand-new to me." "I'm not even sure about the dosage, but what do you say we wing it, huh?" "Go to hell." "You don't scare me." "I'm not trying to scare you." "I don't think we want to see this." "KRAMER:" "Enjoy the ride, Witnaur." "(WHISTLING)" "(GASPS)" "Dang vein." "Keeps wanting to jump around." "Oh, there he is." "You little beggar." "There it is." "Okay!" "I'll talk!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "I'll talk." "I like to talk." "It's amazing." "Look, Haney had to find a way to spin dry the kickback money, that's where Olympia came in." "It was a front company, that's all." "And again, I never ordered anyone to kill you." "Yeah, but you did order the cover-up." "Yes." "The appointment log at the national archives, the book in your library, all that was done at my request." "DOUGLAS:" "What about Charlie Reynolds?" "Were you in charge of taking care of him?" "No." "I never ordered anyone to kill Reynolds." "Who said Charlie was dead?" "Okay, look, Tanner..." "I'm telling you, it was Tanner." "This guy is out of control." "Oh, that's a lot of bull!" "You're saying that you got a rogue agent turned hit man in your ranks?" "Well, I don't believe it!" "You ordered Tanner to put us on that chopper, and you pushed the button!" "Chopper?" "What chopper?" "HOLLIS:" "Looks like Tanner's been getting his marching orders directly from Haney." "DOUGLAS:" "What do we do now, Joe?" "Well, you got a couple of options." "You can go to the White House, and tell Haney you know about Olympia." "Of course, to get to him, you gotta go through Tanner." "Now, Tanner's probably gonna kill you." "Oh, that's a hell of an option." "What's the other one?" "You got a confession on tape." "Stop running." "Go to the press." "I'll call Kaye, and by noon Washington will be up to its knees in Olympia." "Call her?" "Yeah." "You're doing the smart thing, gentlemen." "(SIGHS)" "Damn." "Damn!" "What?" "Oh, if we go public, there will only be another cover-up." "Bureaucrats like Witnaur might pay a price, but the big fish is gonna get away." "Are we really willing to let that happen?" "We've done enough already." "Oh, no." "No." "No, I've made a career out of doing enough." "I always did just enough not to piss anybody off, 'cause a pissed-off somebody won't vote for you." "That's all part of the game." "Right." "Well, tell that to Wayne and Genny and their kids living in their car." ""I'm sorry things are tough, but I've been playing the game."" "Well, I can't play it anymore, Russell." "I'm going to see Haney." "Hold on, Rambo." "Remember what Joe said?" "You can't get past Tanner." "I don't care." "I'm going." "Well, you're a damn fool." "Yeah." "You're probably right." "But you know something?" "Somewhere out there there's another fool, some idealistic sucker who still believes in us." "After all the scandals, and the party politics, and all the bull, there's somebody out there who still believes that we care, that we would do what we promised to do, and that's what I'm doing now, Russell." "I'm doing what I promised." "Preserve, protect, and defend." "Because if we lose that idealistic, gloriously diluted fool out there, hey, it's all over." "Thank God you never spoke like this during our debates." "My margin of loss would have been staggering." "All right." "Let's do it." "Are you sure?" "If I can ride 300 miles at top speed with my hands on a lesbian's midsection, I can handle Tanner." "Now, hold on, hold on a minute." "If we do get to Haney, how can we be sure he'll cooperate?" "I'm bringing Mr. Witnaur with us." "Learn from the master." "Gentlemen, Kaye's on her way over now." "Change of plans, Joe." "Mr. Kramer and Mr. Douglas are going to Washington." "MAN:" "Kramer and Douglas broke into Witnaur's house last night and kidnapped him." "And we're just now hearing about it?" "His lady called the White House operator in a panic." "They thought it was a prank." "Enough." "We better button-up the White House." "If they get to the president, the game's over." "Morning, Rita." "How you doing, Don?" "I'd be doing a lot better if I was getting some of your blueberry muffins." "Soon as I tend to the president I'll see what I can do." "What do you got back here?" "Picked up a whole lot of fresh produce at the farmer's market this morning." "Have a peak if you'd like." "That's okay, Rita." "You have a good one." "Thanks, Don." "Rita..." ""Have a peak if you'd like"?" "You're lucky I didn't have a stroke." "Wasn't that a little risky, Rita?" "Mr. Presidents, please, hush up." "As long as you're in my car, you're produce." "Mr. President." "We're ready, sir." "The ceremony on the south lawn honoring the Dutch resistance during World War II." "Highlight of my day." "Who cares about the damn Dutch, anyway?" "Is Vice President Matthews going to this thing?" "Yes, sir." "Well, let's avoid a possible embarrassment, shall we?" "Remind him that these people are from the Netherlands, and not the nether regions." "Oh, and, uh..." "Have we heard from Witnaur yet?" "No, Mr. President." "All right." "Thank you." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "WOMAN:" "Gather 'round, everyone." "The tour's about to begin." "That's it." "Come on in. come on in here in the back." "Welcome." "Oh, great." "We can't go that way." "A million people come through the White House every year." "Better smile." "They're gonna know we're here in 10 seconds." "Come on." "Huh?" "Hi, everyone, you ready for the tour?" "What the hell are you doing?" "This is the only way we're gonna get to Haney." "Mr. President, and Mr. President." "You know, folks, the tour guides are the hardest-working people in the White House, and, as our way of saying thank you," "President Kramer and I are gonna lead your tour ourselves." "We're what?" "The Oval Office." "Oh, hey, yeah!" "Who knows this place better than we do, huh?" "(LAUGHTER)" "Okay, let's go, everybody." "Gather 'round." "Follow your presidents." "Come along." "This is gonna be fun for you." "Sir, they're in." "How?" "They used the tour." "Okay, this is the green room." "It's a room." "It's green." "Hence the name." "Any questions?" "Not from me." "Okay, then shall we?" "WOMAN:" "That's it?" "Go, go, go." "We grab them as soon as we can and carry them out tonight." "A lot of people have seen them here." "The cover still works." "They met here and they took the chopper to the ceremonies where the president was gonna meet them later." "The crash site is still secure." "All we have to do is adjust the time of the accident." "It could work." "Call Haney." "As soon as you get them, call me." "We occasionally use this as a shortcut to the Oval Office." "Let's pick up the pace, eh?" "The older folks are dragging us down." "MAN:" "We're covering all of the exits, there's no way they can get out of the building." "There they are!" "Guest quarters." "Mr. President!" "Mr. Presidents, please unlock the door." "Come on." "That desk belonged to Thomas Jefferson." "The declaration of independence could have been written on that thing." "Well, Tom isn't here to help me pick it up, so move your ass!" "MAN:" "Mr. Presidents, please!" "When we think of the Netherlands, no doubt most of us have images of a tranquil land... (TELEPHONE RINGS) Yes?" "Good." "Secure the room, but do not move in till I get there." "And, Wilkerson, call the press." "I found Haney." "He's on the south lawn." "I don't like this at all." "They've had us pinned in here for 15 minutes." "What the hell are they doing?" "Preparing for our funeral." "What?" "WOMAN:" "The report came in just minutes ago from the White House." "The helicopter went down somewhere over the blue ridge mountains of North Carolina." "President Kramer and President Douglas were reportedly on board." "Search teams are speeding to the area." "Phone's dead." "What are you doing?" "During my years here, one of the butlers told me about a secret door that was supposed to be in this room." "The Kennedy door he called it." "I think it was just one of those stories." "Russell, it's over here." "I almost forgot." "Uh-huh." "What are you looking at?" "Have you been down to that farmer's market lately?" "It's brutal." "I used this thing for a couple of midnight rendezvous." "Oh, I'll never forget this one girl." "She was a stewardess with Pan Am..." "I don't need to hear this." "She was also a contortionist." "Go on." "Later." "Right now we gotta get to that ceremony." "If we can get ourselves seen on TV, then everyone's gonna know we're not dead in North Carolina, and Tanner is out of business." "Break it down." "DOUGLAS:" "Come on!" "Where the hell are they?" "Come on." "Hurry up." "Be glad I'm not Gerry Ford." "We'd be lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs." "It's been a while, but I think the way out is straight down and to the left." "This whole thing is crazy." "You know what I can't figure?" "How does a twisted psycho like Tanner end up in the N.S.A?" "I know." "Why isn't he in the postal service where he belongs?" "Oh, great." ""Down and to the left."" "Oh, cork it!" "It's not the end of the world, you know?" "Hello, sirs." "No need for concern, it's only me." "The twisted psycho." "We're not gonna have a long chat." "In fact, I don't think I could stand to listen to either one of you another second." "I'm just gonna kill you." "So, who goes first?" "The old man or the ladies' man?" "Nice work, Russell." "Thank you." "I've got to change my shorts now." "Pennsylvania Avenue is almost clear, sir." "Ah, here we are." "Oh, hey." "Watch it, watch it." "We're on the north lawn." "We're totally on the other side of where we want to be." "Oh, good going, Douglas." "I didn't build the damn tunnel." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Now what?" "Who am I, fucking MacGyver?" "I'm making this up as I go along." "Over there!" "What the..." "Hang on, Kramer." "Hold it!" "Stop right there!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Stop!" "Get off the horse!" "Get off the horse!" "We can't get any cars through the block." "You run after them, I'll cut them off." "Ohh!" "When this is over, promise me we'll come back and look for my balls." "Stop!" "(SCREAMING)" "Marksmen, intruders, north lawn." "This is Tanner." "Driving to south gate to intercept." "Shoot to kill." "MAN:" "This is Lieutenant Fleming, we're moving into position now, sir." "Go, go, go." "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Wait." "Hold your fire." "That looks like Presidents Kramer and Douglas." "That's impossible." "The presidents are dead." "Shoot them, damn it!" "Repositioning to south side." "...these people came together bound by love of country and risked their lives..." "Open the gate!" "Nice horsy." "Oh, God!" "On your command, sir." "I gave you a direct order!" "Shoot!" "Lieutenant Fleming, request permission to shoot." "Douglas!" "Down!" "...this was a struggle for democracy..." "TANNER:" "Lieutenant!" "Lieutenant!" "...it was a struggle for truth..." "MAN:" "We must fire, sir." "...it was a struggle between life and death." "(GUNSHOT)" "Those are the presidents." "...and in conclusion," "I'd like to say that it is our great pleasure to welcome these Dutch resistance fighters here." "KRAMER:" "Douglas!" "Would somebody go collect Blinky?" "That's fine." "That's fine." "Let him come ahead." "Well, what a surprise." "Ladies and gentlemen, President Matthew Douglas." "Thank you." "Thank you." "We have to talk..." "Now." "WITNAUR:" "Look, Haney had to find a way to spin dry the kickback money." "That's where Olympia came in." "Oh, Russell, please, there's got to be a way around this." "I'll give you anything you want." "I have money." "I beg your pardon?" "Are you honestly saying that Russell P. Kramer can be bought?" "Shut up, Douglas." "Why should I resign?" "I don't know anything about Reynolds' death or the chopper crash." "Okay, yes, all right, I admit, I used the office, but how is that any different from what you are doing, Russ?" "You know you've made money from this office." "Two things, bill, one, I never did anything illegal." "Big difference." "Two, I never did it for the money." "Oh, come on!" "Sure you did." "No, no, you just don't get it." "My books, my personal appearances, those are things I do so the people will know I'm still here, so they don't forget me..." "And so I can get just a little taste of..." "What it's like to be..." "What I was." "(CHUCKLES)" "This office has done a hell of a lot for me, now I'm gonna do something for it." "Get you out!" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Excuse me, sirs." "I'm Agent Kopeck." "Agent in charge of secret service, White House detail." "I thought you'd like to meet secret-service officer Ralph Fleming." "He's the man who stopped Colonel Tanner." "Thank you, Ralph." "You saved our lives." "It's an honor to meet you, son." "Actually, sir, we've met before." "We have?" "Where?" "Somewhere over the rainbow." "Ah, ye..." "He was, uh... (CHUCKLING)" "And so, it is with a heavy heart, and, ironically, a weak heart, that I resign from the office of President of the United States." "Poor president, Haney." "Oh, don't you worry, Rita, he's gonna be just fine." "Damn, Rita, you haven't lost your touch." "Uh-huh." "I miss you, too." "I was finally getting used to him." "Now I've gotta start all over again." "President Matthews." "(LAUGHS)" "Who would've ever thought of that." "President Matthews?" "There's only one way that moron was ever gonna become..." "President." "Either Haney would have to be assassinated, or he'd have to..." "Resign." "...I'm convinced that it's for the nation's better good, that I step aside." "Two more minutes, Mr. President." "Thank you, Bill." "I'll be ready." "Ted, we need to talk and right now." "Will you excuse us a minute, Pete?" "Yes, sir." "So, what's up?" "We've figured it out." "You'll never get away with it." "I already did." "Chief Justice Renquist just swore me in." "I'm about to go on television in front of the nation to reluctantly accept my charge." "You're the one, you sent Tanner to kill us." "We investigate Olympia, wind up dead, it all gets tied to Haney, either way he goes down, and you're in." "You're right." "There've been a couple of unfortunate deaths, but they can be blamed on the late Colonel Tanner." "I guess I won't have to appoint him to the Joint Chiefs after all." "How do you explain us being here?" "Aren't we both dead in a helicopter crash?" "Oh, your chopper definitely went down, but we are so thankful it turned out you weren't aboard." "Press secretary's already issued a statement apologizing for any confusion." "Thirty seconds, sir." "Thank you, Bill." "Well, gentlemen, if you ask me, this whole thing's been a real coup." "Funny thing, isn't it?" "Everyone thinks I'm this idiot, but nobody knows it was all just a big "fa-cade."" "Who's the idiot now?" "Hello, Mr. President." "Good to see you." "Welcome home, sir." "Well, I guess that's all she wrote." "Russell, you want to know what gives me the red ass?" "What?" "He damn near got away with it." "What do you mean "damn near"?" "You got the whole conversation on tape?" "I learned from the master." "The only problem is if I drop this off at CNN on my way home, and Matthews gets thrown out of office, according to the 25th amendment, the speaker of the house will become president." "Oh, God, anybody but him." "Tell me about it." "But, I guess we have no other choice." "We did everything we could." "Yeah." "I'm gonna go home, kiss my wife, take a shower, and go to bed for a month." "Sounds good." "You know something?" "I gotta tell you, after going through this whole thing," "I've realized I really don't like you." "No kidding." "But that isn't exactly what I wanted to say." "It, the thing is, I don't like you, but..." "I think I'm gonna, you know, miss you." "(CHUCKLES)" "If we hadn't spent the last 30 years hating each other's guts, we might have been friends." "I think I'll stop there, because I feel the goat-cheese pizza backing up on me." "You take care of yourself." "And, uh..." "Don't jump off any trains." "I was pushed." "Same difference." "Hey, Russell." "Yeah?" "♪ Hail to the chief" "♪ If you don't, I'll have to kill you" "♪ I am the chief" "♪ So you'd better watch your step, you bastards ♪" "We're even." "I was briefed about what happened, sir." "It's amazing what you went through." "Yes, I guess it was." "Well, now you can go home to Cleveland for a well-deserved rest." "Oh, yes." "When it comes time for a rest, there's no place like Cleveland." "This must've been a very difficult experience for you, sir." "DOUGLAS:" "Yeah." "It was pretty bad." "On some level, I enjoyed it." "It was just nice to do something and have a goal again." "I think it was a great service you did for your country, sir." "Most people in that situation, they would have given up." "You and President Kramer, you did everything you could." "I'm proud to be attached to you, sir." "No, Chet, you're wrong." "We didn't do everything we could." "NEWMAN:" "Nine months after he took the oath of office, former president and convicted felon Ted Matthews today began serving his sentence at a federal prison in Stafford, Virginia." "But unlike other political scandals of the past, this one has spawned an unusual coupling." "For that story, we take you to correspondent Kaye Griffin in California." "(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)" "GRIFFIN:" "Two of America's biggest political rivals are making history." "Running on the same ticket as independents are ex-presidents Kramer and Douglas." "You know, I come to this country with those fellows." "However, we have yet to hear who will be running as president, and who as vice president." "I'm not ashamed to say it, I slept with both those guys." "My love." "Any words of wisdom for the candidate?" "Of course." "Don't make a friggin' fool of yourself." "Margaret, please, if you're gonna use the f-word, go for the gold." "DOUGLAS:" "Excuse us, Margaret." "Are you ready to face the voting public?" "Let's do it." "All right." "I'll make the announcement, then I'll introduce you." "To keep things straight, you're saying I'm gonna be president, and you're gonna be vice president." "Now wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "After everything we went through together, you still don't trust me?" "I trust you." "Well, thank you." "Just as you trust me." "I think I'll make the announcement." "I thought we agreed that I would do it." "Will you let go of me?" "I'm not letting go." "I'm not letting go, either." "Get out of my way, old man." "No way, sleazebag." "How are you?" "Hey!" "Money." "Will you..." "Did you drop that?" "Yeah." "That's mine." "My fellow Americans..." "You son of a..."