"(Crows caw)" "(Frankie) Graduation-- the pomp, the circumstance, but at Orson Technical Institute, utility room C, there wasn't much of either." "Congratulations to the class of first quarter 2013!" "(Cheering)" "Class of first quarter 2013 rules!" "(Laughs) Aha!" "Way to go, mom!" "Aw." "I'm really proud of you, Frankie." "Well, I think I can speak for all of us when I say you're a true inspiration." "And if we can achieve..." "You're not getting a car." "God!" "But-- ugh." "You're gonna get a job." "I'm sorry." "I'm so confused." "What was all this for?" "(Sue) Okay, turn into the kitchen." "(Laughs)" "To the right." "To the right." "Okay, stop." "Watch your head." "Darrin lost at crazy eights, and now he has to carry me everywhere today." "Now that Sue and Darrin had graduated to full-time couple," "Axl decided for the sake of their friendship he'd suck it up and swallow his feelings." "(Clenched teeth) Mind if I talk to my friend, or is that not allowed?" "Oh!" "(Blows raspberry) Please." "I'm not one of those girls who has to be with her boyfriend 24/7." "So what's up?" "Well, while you've been busy giving dorkyback rides," "I've been out marketing our band, and guess what-- I got us our first paying gig." "Avert your eyes or risk being blinded by my awesomeness." "You're kidding." "That's great!" "Now get ready, 'cause we are on a rocket ship to stardom." "We are playing at the Orson Dollar Days!" "The one they do in the parking lot every year behind the shoe warehouse?" "Not only that, but they're paying us $50, or 100 Dollar Day dollars." "No expiration date, discount merchandise only," " all sales, final, blah." " This is awesome." "Maybe I could use my cut to buy Sue those imitation Ugg boots she wants." "Yeah, I think Ugg boots would be the perfect gift for Sue." "What?" "They would." "So what do you think of this?" "(Tv playing indistinctly)" "I like it." "Well, how 'bout this one?" "Yeah." "Like that one, too." "Mike." "You're just trying to get out of helping." "Did it work?" "Oh, I can't believe I actually have to go on interviews now." "Maybe I should take a sip of wine before I go in." "People always say I'm great at parties." "Don't know how many dentists are looking for a drunk Beyonce impersonator, but worth a shot." "Brick, what are you doing?" "Oh, I'm earning my family life badge for Prairie Scouts." "You-- you're in Scouts?" "Since when?" "Joined a couple weeks ago." "Did I not tell you?" "You did not." "Well, who did I tell?" "Well, I think it's great that you've joined something, Brick." "But Scouts?" "Really?" "I checked out an old handbook from the library, and I found it very appealing." "And it has an interesting font" " Menlo Bold." "(Whispers) Menlo Bold." "(Normal voice) Now can you please sign this, saying that I completed the task in an efficient manner with a first-rate attitude?" "Mm-hmm." "There you go." "Oh, and I'm going to need $40." "Hmm." "I'd hold off on that check." "You know he's just gonna quit." "You know, you should be thrilled, Mike." "Your odd son wants to do a boy thing." "Yeah." "I've been burned before, Frankie." "Remember basketball?" "All he did was count the dribbles." "I don't know." "He seems to be really into it this time." "This could be his thing." "It's not his thing." "Oh, yeah?" "You don't know that." "He made our bed." "Packin' it in and hittin' the road?" "My Scout troop's going camping this weekend." "Camping?" "You remember what that is, right?" "When we slept in a tent, outside with the bugs?" "I know." "I'm gonna get my camping badge." "But I can't go if I don't get that check." "So..." "Yeah." "About that, look, Brick, we can't afford to just fork over 40 bucks for something you're just gonna quit." "I get your concern." "I understand I've been a quitter in the past." "That's mom's influence." "(Bottles rattle in refrigerator)" " Yeah, probably." " But not this time." "(Refrigerator door closes) I'm committed, dad." "I'm in it till the end." "Okay." "Well, you realize the end is not tomorrow." "We're gonna get our 40 bucks worth of fun out of this no matter how miserable you are." "It's all good, dad." "I've got this." "I didn't get the job." "Aw." "Well, don't worry." "You'll get 'em next time." "Right?" "I'm not so sure, Mike." "Apparently, in order to get a job, you have to know who you are." "Well, I know who you are." "You're someone who needs a job." "Well, that's not enough anymore." "It's a whole thing now." "You gotta be able to sell yourself." "I wasn't even able to sell a car." "How the heck am I supposed to sell myself?" "That's true." "That is why you got fired." "I was not fired, Brick." "I was let-- ugh." "Anyway, the whole way home, I'm thinkin'," ""I don't know." "Do I even know who I am anymore?"" "I mean, okay, help me out here." "Come on." "Just give me something." "If you had one word to describe me, what would it be?" " Lazy." " Angry." " Tired." "Hey, hey, hey." "One at a time." " Lazy." " Angry." "Tired." "Actually, "lazy" and "tired" are kind of the same thing." "Yeah, but I still think she's more lazy than angry." "I don't know." "If you call her on being lazy," " she gets really angry." " Mm." "That's not fair." "Thank you." "She's only angry because she's getting older, nothing turned out like she wanted, and now at this late stage of her life, when she should be able to kick back and relax, she's stuck grabbing at her one last chance" "to try and make something of herself." "(Axl) Wait." "What about naggy?" " Good answer." " Oh, good answer." " Very good answer." " Good answer." "Okay, that's enough." "The reason your mom is tired, lazy, and irritable is 'cause of you guys." "No one... said... irritable." "Okay, fine." "You're not irritable." "You know what?" "Forget it." "You people are useless." "We were only trying to help." "God, she is so ungrateful." "Ooh!" "Ungrateful!" " Good answer." " Good answer." " Good answer." " Good answer." "(Feedback whines) Whoo!" "This'll be, like, our Axl And The Ax Men signature pose." "We should seriously try to patent it." "Uh, yeah." "I've been thinking... our name sounds a little..." "'50s, or whatever." "What are you talking about?" "Well, Sue had an interesting idea." "(Snickers and laughs) Yeah." "Okay." "Yeah." "Well, we were hanging out, you know, and talking and stuff, and I thought maybe it did sound a little... blah." "But then we thought what if it had all your names" "Darrin, Sean, Axl" "Daseanax." "What?" "(Sean) Daseanax?" "Huh." "That's actually pretty cool." "Oh, my God." "In what universe?" "We are a brand" "Axl And The Axmen." "And, yes, my name's on it." "But I'm the one who started the band," "I'm the one who got us this gig, and I was the one who was up all last night working on a new album cover!" "(Mouth full) No, you didn't." "You watched "Titanic" with mom and then you went to bed." "I think he was crying." "He cries a lot." "Let's just play." "One, two, three, four!" "(Playing discordantly)" "Dude, dude, you are killing the song." "We need more egg." "I can't drum and play the egg at the same time." "I'm not an octopus." "(Gasps)" "Uh, I'll do it." "I-I played the tambourine for Reverend Timtom." "And I don't wanna brag, but I was pretty good." "Nope." "No way!" "Not happening." "My sister is not in the band." "We're out of hands, Axl." "The song doesn't rock without the egg." "We got no choice." "I say we give her a chance." "Yeah!" "(Shaker rattling)" "Okay." "If I'm at a social event, am I a party princess, a solitary Suzy, or in the corner, talking to the principal?" "What are you doing?" "Well, I'm still trying to figure out who I am. and take the personality quiz." "You're taking life advice from Sue?" "(Sighs)" "You've seen her life, right?" "I'm desperate, okay?" "All right." "So-- so who am I?" "Who am I?" "I..." "I..." "I..." "Ooh." "I'm a good snapper." " Seriously." " Well, you're a great mom." "(Exhales) Yeah." "(Thuds)" "I know I'm a great mom." "Duh, Mike." "But being a great mom isn't gonna get me a job." "Who am I other than that?" "I-I really don't know." "Okay." "What about nice?" "I'm nice." "Eh." "Okay, then, how 'bout hard worker?" "(Exhales) Yeah." "That's not true, either." "(Taps key)" "(Boys shouting playfully)" "Hang on." "Isn't this your social skills group?" "Yeah." "We went to a regular Scout meeting before, but after a few weeks, they decided to give us our own troop." "Wasn't that nice?" "You know what time it is, boy?" "I'll tell you what time it is-- it's late o'clock." "Told you we didn't have time to stop for a sausage biscuit." "Mike Heck." "Brick's dad." "Okay." "I got him." "You can go." "Huh." "Yeah, hey, uh, maybe I didn't read the permission slip too clearly." "But, uh, where exactly are you taking 'em?" "We're going out there, in the deep woods, where a man can get lost, where he's got no past, no future." "Only the now." "Uh-huh." "And, uh, where is that, exactly?" "Oh, no, soldier." "That's classified." "He's got my ax!" "Tell him it's my turn with the ax!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey." "Hey." "That's the way you hold a knife when you're whittling." "That's how you hold a knife when you're gonna kill a man." "(Boy) Oh." "I see." "Thanks, Mr. Stokes." "(Sighs)" "I'll tell you what, Mr. Stokes, while you're gettin' lost in the deep woods, these kids are gonna be doing something else." "But, dad, this is the most" "I've ever not quit something my whole life." "What are we all supposed to do now?" "(Exhales)" "So Mike found himself the unwitting Scoutmaster of troop crazy." "All right." "You all got your waters." "Now go to bed." "(Yelling) Can we get a bedtime story, Mr. Heck?" "I can't sleep without a bedtime story." "According to this manual, we're supposed to practice a duck and cover drill in case the dirty commies lob a nuke at us" " during the night." " No." "We already built a fire, ate hot dogs, made a compass with a leaf, and practiced your salute." "Let's just go to bed." "(Meowing) Zack?" "Where you been?" "I've been calling for you." "No more chasing birds." "It's lights out." "(Yelling) I'm hungry." "(Boys shouting at once) Ham and cheese!" "(Groans)" "While Mike was making three PBJs-- one with crust, two without-- two ham and cheeses, an iced tea... three juices, and a saucer of milk," "Axl was getting his band ready for their big night." "Okay." "Checked the schedule." "We're going on between the Fancy Feet "Gangnam Style" tap number and Itty Bitty Jujitsu." "Whoo." "Nice spot." "Those Jujitsu kids are really good." "(Sean) Are you sure about this, Axl?" "Guess I was expecting..." "I don't know, something a little more less sad." "Dude, every band's gotta pay their dues." "This'll be a great story for "Rolling Stone" someday when we're kicking it in our mansions, trying to decide which Ferraris to take to go yachting." "It'll humanize us." "Uh... what is that?" "(Sue) Oh, okay, okay." "The thing is, I had already ordered the sticker before you said you didn't want to change the name." "And then I was gonna tell you, but then I forgot, so then I thought I would just bring it here anyway and see how everybody felt once it was here." "Well, I like it." "I think it looks awesome, Sue." "Do you, Darrin?" "Do you really think it looks awesome?" "'Cause you know what I think?" "I think I've had it!" "I have been so cool." "So cool!" "But I am so sick of this!" "You..." "are Yoko-ing the band!" "But not just the band, you're Yoko-ing my school, you're Yoko-ing my house." "You two together are poison!" "You wanna be Daseanax?" "Fine." "Go ahead." "No, maybe you should be Daseansue, 'cause the Ax Man..." "is out!" "(Lowered voice)" " Mr. Heck." " Hmm?" "I'm having a sock issue." "They touched the ground." "Oh, it's okay." "Use your backup socks." "I did already." "And my backup backup socks." "This is an emergency." "I need to go home." "Oh, no." "You can't." "No one's here at the house." "If I take you home, I gotta take everybody else with me." "How 'bout I get you a pair of my socks?" "(Breathing heavily) Unacceptable." "Unacceptable." "Unacceptable!" "(Yelling) Can I sit up front with you, Mr. Heck?" "You're easy to talk to!" "(Grunts)" "(Sighs)" "(Lowered voice) Here, kitty, kitty." "While Mike was searching for a rogue Scout," "I was Aunt Edie's, talking to my mom." "Look, honey, any dental office would be lucky to have you." "Yeah, blah, blah, blah." "No." "It's true." "People have always loved being around you." "All the moms wanted you in their carpool." "You were very lively." "You know, I have noticed that when I sign up for something at church, one or two people sign up after me." "I did not give birth to average people." "I am telling you, you are the whole package." "You are a warm, special, beautiful, amazing person." "And if they don't believe that, they can call me." "Oh, thank you." "(Chuckles)" "Mom always seems to have the answers." "Why did I ever move out?" "(Children's choir singing "Tomorrow" from "Annie")" "Hey, uh, look, about what happened before..." "I think we should talk." "Okay." "I'm listening." "(Zips)" "We've been friends a long time." "And I just want to say," "I feel you're being disrespectful to Sue." "What?" "Are-- are you kidding me?" "I don't know if you realize this, but sometimes, you sort of make fun of her and put her down." "She has a lot to offer," " and I think you could be more supportive." " Wait." "Don't tell me how to treat Sue." "She is my sister." "And if I wanna rank on my sister or fart on my sister's head," "I will fart on my sister's head." "Maybe you can't see it 'cause you're her brother, but she's a sensitive, beautiful woman." "Oh!" "Blah!" "Don't call my sister a woman!" "That is disgusting." "And you know what?" "You could have dated, like, any other girl in the world, but you just had to pick my sister." "I really like her." "She's sweet and funny, and all these" "Oh, my God, I will not stand by while you say nice things about her." "Hey, hold on." " I think we should talk about this." " No!" "I'm done!" "Get out of my face!" "Did you just flick me?" "Yeah." "What?" "You wanna do something about it?" "Yeah." "What the..." "You little..." "Hey!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "(Thuds)" "Stupid sister lover!" "Aah!" "I hate you!" "You're goin' down!" "(Children screaming) Ooh!" "Hey!" "Get" "(Darrin and Axl grunting)" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop it!" "You guys are friends!" "Aah!" "(Thud)" " Sue!" " Sue!" "(Slurps) How's it look?" "Good." "You can hardly see it." "Oh... okay, listen, Darrin," "I've been thinking... that punch in the face was a real slap in the face." "You know, when we got together, we didn't even think about how it would affect anyone else." "And now we've just left a trail of destruction in our wake." "I just feel like you and Axl have been friends for, like, ever." "And I don't wanna be the one to come between you two." "Yeah." "Wait a minute." "Are you breaking up with me?" "Oh, gosh." "I've never done this before, and I have no idea if I'm doing it right." "No. (Voice breaks) You're doing it right." "I'm so sorry, Darrin." "I really, really am." "Breakups are tough." "Matt broke my heart." "And Brad and I split three years ago, and he still hasn't kissed a girl." "But I just feel like it's getting too hard." "Yeah." "Axl and I always said we'd never let a woman come between us." "That's a much easier pact to make when you're 6 and girls have cooties." "And when you think about it, you know, we only have two months of school left." "And I have all my sophomore activities, and you have all your senior activities." "And... what about all the girls at air conditioning school?" "You're not gonna want to be tied down." "I just feel like we'd be better friends." "I guess I can live with that." "But I'm always gonna think of you when I see a mirror ball." "And I'll always think of you when I dance... or taste blood." "Mm!" "Ooh!" "It hurts so bad." "I know." "Me, too." "(Meowing) Knock it off, Zack." "Go back to sleep." "(Meowing loudly)" "Brick, I think we should pull the plug on this thing." "I am not quitting, dad." "I'm in it to win it." "(Yelling) Do you want me to tell Zack you'll take him home so we don't wake the other kids?" "Mike didn't know it, but his night was just beginning." "(Exhales) One by one, he took each kid home from dusk all the way till dawn." "Brick, if you wanna go in the house, just go, but let me sleep." "No." "It's morning." "I did it." "Now would you please sign this saying that I showed perseverance in the face of difficult obstacles and handled myself in a Scout-like manner worthy of camping badge?" "(Pen clicks)" "I'd say we both did." "(Groans)" "Now I need you to go get your mom, roll me back onto my sleeping bag, and drag me into the house." "Ah, hi." "Frankie Heck." "I am Ted." "Doctor." "Dr. Ted Goodwin, DDS, from ICD-- Iowa College of Dentistry." "Go, Hawks!" "I hated school." "Hi." "Frankie Heck." "(Laughs)" "I am sorry about this mess." "I gotta get around to writing on these someday." "But I cannot find a pen." "Uh, and after a while, you just get tired of writing, "Plaque." "Plaque." "Plaque."" "You know?" "(Laughs) (Laughs)" "Orson has an intense plaque problem." "But I'm not one to speak out of school." "(Laughs)" "Uh, so, I guess I ask you questions, right?" "Okay." "Well, tell me... who is Frankie Heck?" "Well, I'm warm and special and amazing and beautiful and lively." "Oh, God." "What was I thinking?" "I should never have listened to my mother's load of crap." "Of course she said those things." "She's my mother." "I sound like an idiot." "You know what?" "I don't know." "I just don't know." "You want one word to describe me?" ""Mom." There." "That's it." "I can get dressed in under 30 seconds." "I can pull anything out of my bag without looking." "You need a quarter?" "(Coins rattle)" "(Coin clinks) Got it." "Protein bar?" "How about a pen?" "Blue or black?" "I can hold off creditors for months," "I can listen to five conversations at the same time." "Oh, and apparently, I'm a delight in a carpool." "Okay." "I suck." "Good-bye." "I'll let myself out." "Uh, uh, first of all," "I love my mom." "Moms are angels." "Don't talk bad about moms." "And I like that creditor thing." "I used a lot of the government's money to go to school, and they kind of want it back." "Oh." "Really?" "And how many kids did you say you have?" "'Cause I see a lot of 'em here, and they're nasty." "Oh, I have three wonderful children." "They're really more like my best friends." "That's just like me and my mom." "This just feels right to me." "And I don't want to talk to any more people." "You're hired." "Are you serious?" "Oh!" "Thank God!" "Oh." "Ooh." "Sorry." "It's probably too soon to do that. (Laughs)" "Must have been that sip of wine" "I had before I came in." "(Chuckles)" "We all earn badges in life." "Some tell the world who you are, others tell the world of your achievements." "Some will stay with you forever, and some you hope won't." "Sorry about your face." "I know. 'Cause it's so ugly." "Ha ha." "(Chuckles) Good one." "But, no, I was actually asking how you're doing." "Oh." "Darrin and I broke up." "Ooh." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well, it seemed like it was for the best." "I think we're better as friends." "Hey, uh... all that stuff I do to you... it's just, you know, what we do." "(Chuckles) It doesn't mean anything, right?" "Right." "Of course, I'm still gonna knock the plate out of your hand, tickle you till you pee, and make you smell my armpit from time to time." "I understand." "But I'll wait till you're feeling better." "I'm not a monster." "You want a drink?" "Uh, no." "My lip still hurts when I try to sip things." " Really?" " Yeah." "What are you gonna do with that bread then?" "Well, I can eat it, but I have to be sort of real careful..." " Ahh. (Laughs)" " Ahh."