"What are you doing?" "I'm emptying the dishwasher." "Got that game tonight." "Didn't want to leave you with everything." "Honey£¬ that's sweet." "These are all dirty." "Thanks for trying." "AII right." "Go£¬ have a good time." "Why did you have to go say that?" "AII I said was£¬ ¡°Have a good time.¡±" "Yeah." "You don't think I know what that means?" "I know...." "I have to go to my game tonight." "Yes£¬ I understand." "You are relentless." "You think I want to go?" "I don't want to." "I want to stay home with you and the kids." "Last thing I want to do is go to an elementary school gym tonight." "Open in the paint." "He sees him." "Step back£¬ lady." "Barone£¡" "Don't bring that trash in here." "You should know better than that." "I didn't go sky." "I don't even have to jump." "I didn't go full sky£¬ yeah." "Honey£¬ I'II be home as soon as I can." "Hi£¬ I'm Ray£¬ and I Iive here in Long island with my wife Debra." "She's great with the kids£¬ the house£¬ everything." "I don't know how she does it." "We've got a daughter ally... and twin two-year-oId boys." "It's not really about the kids." "My parents live across the street." "That's right." "And my brother lives with them." "Now£¬ not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you... but mine would because" "Everybody loves Raymond." "Yeah." "They're killing us." "Where's the escape hatch?" "I just don't know." "It's like playing the GIobetrotters." "I'm waiting for MeadowIark to pull my pants down." "No drinks." "Let's go." "Come on£¬ sit down." "What are we eating?" "Shake it up£¬ come on£¡" "You guys blow." "How can we be losing to Bed£¬ Bath and Beyond?" "They shouldn't even be in the Pizza League." "If we don't pick it up in the second half£¬ it's arrivederci playoffs." "Kevin£¬ know what I'd love to try once?" "Getting into a game." "You know what we got to do?" "We got to go to a zone." "No." "Yeah£¬ a zone." "You'II like the zone." "You will not have to run." "No£¬ no zone." "As long as I'm Nemo's captain£¬ what I say goes." "That's right." "He's right." "We need a new captain." "Who wants the job?" "I do." "Fine." "Good luck finding someone with my leadership abilities... my patience£¬ my people skills£¬ you candy-assed morons." "How about Ray as captain?" "Yeah£¬ Ray£¡ RaygeIe£¡ Sure." "I'II do it." "I'd Iike to give it a shot." "I think I can do it." "Why don't we open it up to a little discussion?" "Okay." "How about Robert?" "Yes." "He's tail£¡" "What about discussing it?" "You guys really want me?" "Sure£¬ you're tall." "Look how frigging taII you are£¡" "So£¬ Robert it is." "You sure you're up to this?" "'Cause£¬ you know£¬ I'II do it if you don't want to." "Come on£¬ Ray." "Share his joy." "AII right£¬ Robert's one way to go£¬ if you want to go with Robert." "obviously£¬ we all want to go with Robert." "Okay." "Second half." "What's the lineup£¬ Captain?" "Robert£¡" "AII right£¡ Okay." "Starting the second half£¬ it's going to be me... you£¬ you£¬ you... and you." "AII right." "What about me?" "How can I not start the second half?" "I don't want to be accused of nepotism." "Catch the fever£¡" "Okay." "Hi." "Ray just got home." "Yeah£¬ that would be great£¬ charlie." "Thanks." "Okay£¬ bye." "charlie's having a birthday party for Sam." "Saturday at the Happy Zone." "We're all invited." "That's great." "The Happy Zone." "What's the matter£¬ honey?" "Did you lose?" "No£¬ we won." "I see." "And you're sad for the other team?" "I didn't play the whole second half." "Robert got elected captain£¬ and he didn't put me in." "That's great." "What's great?" "You know£¬ that Robert gets to be captain." "And if he doesn't play you£¬ then you won't have to go so much... and you could spend some more time with us." "See?" "It's good news." "It's all good news for me." "What's the matter?" "Don't you want to spend more time with us?" "I do." "You know I do." "Aren't you happy Robert got elected captain?" "Yes£¬ I'm happy." "Everything's working out great for me." "Oh£¬ my God." "You want to be captain." "No£¬ I don't." "Yes£¬ you do." "I do not." "Look at you." "I don't want to be captain." "It's the stupid Pizza League." "Those guys don't have a life." "I have a big life." "You really want this bad£¬ don't you?" "No." "I have you..." "I have Ally£¬ I have michael£¬ Geoffrey." "That's everybody£¬ right?" "Yeah." "should be." "Listen£¬ I don't get this." "You work all the time£¬ and you have to go on road trips... and when you come back£¬ you run off and play." "And now you got to be captain." "Listen£¬ I've been playing with these guys since high school... and we've never come close to winning a championship." "This time we're close." "And if I can be captain£¬ I know we can go all the way." "And winning is more important than spending time with your family?" "apples and oranges." "No£¬ Ray." "apples or oranges." "You know£¬ I gave up some stuff when we had kids." "I know." "Did it have to be sex?" "I'm just trying to do it all£¬ that's all." "Okay£¬ you go ahead and try to do it all." "I just think that you're choosing quantity over quality." "myself obviously representing quality." "quality is job one." "That's right." "Okay£¬ quality." "Robert doesn't want to play me£¬ and they don't want me as captain." "Who needs them?" "I can't get out of tomorrow's game£¬ but I'm going to blow off Saturday's." "That's right." "Take me to the Happy Zone." "Let me at that whack-a-mole." "There he is£¬ come on." "Ray£¬ that was a great thing you did." "Not lock the door?" "You stepped aside and let your brother be captain." "Look at him." "Captain Robert Barone." "Dad£¬ don't call me that." "I'm the same Robert I've always been." "congratulations." "We're really happy for you." "Thank you." "Isn't that right£¬ Ray?" "I share his joy." "Come on£¬ get up." "The Barone boys." "Continuing a Iong legacy of athletic excellence." "well£¬ I couldn't have done it without Ray." "always glad to help." "No fatty foods£¡" "We've got games tomorrow and Saturday." "I want the team to be lean and mean£¬ not soft and gooshy." "Don't touch my goosh." "Let's hear it for my firstborn." "A leader of men." "And my second son... a loyal follower." "killed them£¡ Yeah£¡" "Oh£¬ my God." "gentlemen... that was a disgrace." "I'm embarrassed to be in the same children's locker room with you." "Robert£¬ we won." "Yeah£¬ we were lucky." "I consider this a moral defeat." "I'II tell you something else..." "Nemo's Pizzeria should have destroyed WooIhoff's Chinese Takeout." "Robert£¬ just take it easy£¬ all right?" "calm down£¬ Paul Bunyan." "Smokes guy£¬ come here." "AII right." "Give me that." "Wanna see what I think of your lung rocket?" "Look at that." "Okay£¬ smoke it now." "He's a maniac." "You ought to see him with a birthday cake." "That's enough out of you£¬ too." "I didn't see you helping out there tonight." "I only played for two minutes." "Yeah£¬ and we won." "Good point." "Robert£¬ I come here to play£¬ okay?" "I got three kids." "If I'm not going to play£¬ I couId be home... pulling a waffle out of the VCR." "At least£¬ when I was captain£¬ it was fun." "Yeah." "Are you guys unhappy with me?" "You scare me." "AII right." "I guess that I'm the target of some backstage grumbIings." "You're letting the captain thing go to your head." "That's all you care about£¬ is this ¡°Captain.¡± Captain Nemo." "I got to tell you£¬ nobody likes you this way." "Maybe the captain thing is just too much." "Et tu, Raymond?" "Come on£¬ don't do that stuff." "I quit." "Come on£¬ we need you." "We need you£¬ you're...." "You're so frigging huge£¡" "How'd it go?" "Robert quit the team." "That is terrible." "Yeah." "He got a little drunk with power and the guys turned on him." "He kind of left in a bad way." "Poor Robert." "So that kind of affects our trip to the Happy Zone Saturday." "We don't have to take Robert with us£¬ do we?" "No£¬ but we can't take me with us£¬ either." "Come on." "You said you were going to blow off the game on Saturday." "That was when I wasn't playing." "Who says you have to play?" "The new captain." "Who's he?" "Me." "Why?" "My God£¬ what happened?" "Not a good game." "This is my new job." "I'm a coaster now." "Where does it hurt?" "I think I pulled a liver." "Here£¬ come on." "Easy£¬ slow." "AII right." "slower." "Easy£¬ just watch it." "I'm trying." "Move the pillows." "AII right." "Did you win at Ieast?" "No." "It was awful." "Never mind." "How was your day?" "Gosh£¬ Ray£¬ the kids were so cute at the Happy Zone." "We had a great time." "Where are they?" "Are they sleeping?" "Yeah." "I missed them?" "Yeah." "You should have seen them." "They were in the ball pit... and this big 7-year-oId comes over and he starts throwing balls at the twins." "And ally says£¬ ¡°Those are my brothers.¡± And she runs over and knocks the kid down." "She knocked down a boy?" "A big guy." "She gave him this hip check like Mark Messier." "I thought she was going to pull his shirt over his head." "She was so cute." "Oh£¬ God." "Did you film it?" "No£¬ because you're the video guy." "I was busy dry heaving." "What else did I miss?" "DoubIe-chocoIate fudge cake." "And I hate to tell you this£¬ but michael said his first word today." "Come on£¬ no£¡" "Yeah£¬ we were driving along the expressway and this truck cuts us off." "well£¬ you know what you always say when that happens to you?" "He said that?" "clear as a bell." "Oh£¬ God£¡" "How did he say it?" "Did he punch it out like I do?" "Ray£¬ it was as if you were in the car." "God£¬ I can't believe I missed that." "well£¬ you're very busy having it all." "You're bound to miss some things." "But I'II tell you what..." "tomorrow£¬ if we all wanna go together" "I can't tomorrow." "What?" "I got the playoffs tomorrow." "playoffs now£¬ right?" "This stuff never ends." "This is why I became the captain." "To lead us through the playoffs£¬ so we can win it." "Win what?" "What are you actually winning?" "Maybe you'II understand when you see a big trophy sitting right over there." "Oh£¬ my God£¬ the trophy." "You're right." "I forgot about the trophy." "Is it shiny?" "Don't worry£¬ I'II make it up to you." "Everything's going to be okay." "I'm the captain." "You are some brother." "Hi£¬ Ma." "Don't ¡°Ma¡± me." "I finally got it out of Robert." "He's been sitting over there for two days... depressed£¬ moping£¬ not talking to anyone." "And you know why?" "Because he's Robert?" "Because his brother sold him down the river for his own glory." "Ma£¬ you want to hear what michael said today?" "No£¬ I think you're about to hear it again." "Look£¬ I didn't do anything." "No?" "You dethroned him and then you took his crown." "You're like Richard III." "Or that guy on The Young and the Restless." "He did it to himself." "The team was right." "You would put a basketball team before your family?" "You don't understand." "He was out of control." "He was yelling£¬ he wouldn't listen to anybody." "He screamed and then he stormed out." "That's nonsense£¡ Who the hell in this family acts like that?" "You better get over there and make your brother feel better... or the next time I come over£¬ I won't be so nice." "well£¬ somebody needs a trip to the Happy Zone." "Is Mom here?" "She's upstairs hitting my speed bag." "How's the team?" "We really missed you out there£¬ Rob." "Yeah." "You ought to come back." "You guys want me back?" "Yeah£¬ sure." "You're the best player out there." "We need you." "So you're asking me to be captain?" "No." "I'm still going to be captain." "You are a piece of work." "Come on." "Don't you see£¬ it's still in the family." "It's just like you are captain£¬ only I'm captain." "Won't that be cozy?" "Jus think about it." "You come back and you help us win the championship... the whole team will be happy." "And you won't be mad anymore£¬ so Mom will be happy." "You can help me with some of the lesser captaining responsibilities... and I can spend more time with my family." "Then they'II be happy." "So once again£¬ you get everything." "No£¬ that's not everything." "That's like... four things." "Thanks for thinking of me£¬ but I'm just going to have to pass." "You can't pass." "We can't do it without you." "Come on." "You're the missing link." "I've heard that before." "I'II tell you what£¬ just come back for the playoffs... and next year I'II make sure you're captain£¬ I promise." "I appreciate it£¬ but I'm just going to have to pursue another option." "Another option?" "With who?" "WooIhoff's Chinese Takeout." "They put a very lovely offer on the table." "Kung pao?" "Morning£¬ Mommy." "Hi£¬ honey." "Where's Daddy?" "He's in the shower£¬ singing." "He's terrible." "Look£¬ it's Daddy's posse." "Morning£¬ Debra." "Where's the Captain?" "We got a Iot of problems." "No kidding." "Ray will be down in a minute." "Hey£¬ boys." "You going to finish this?" "Kev£¬ come on." "Do you mind?" "It's his breakfast." "He's not eating it." "Look£¬ he spit it all out." "You know£¬ Ray will be down in a second£¬ okay?" "I'm sorry." "Can I have some juice£¬ please?" "Can't believe you're not married£¬ Andy." "I just haven't met Miss Right." "You know anybody?" "I'II let them all know that you're looking." "Mommy£¬ that man's smoking." "Narc." "Dave£¬ what are you doing?" "Sorry." "Where are my manners?" "would you Iike one?" "You know what?" "Why don't you guys just go on up?" "I'm sure Ray will be happy to see you." "After all£¬ he is your captain." "How's your sister doing?" "Just go." "Honey£¬ do you want to talk about what you just saw?" "Camptown ladies sing that song Doo-dah, doo-dah" "What have you got going in there?" "What are you doing?" "We need to talk to you." "Wait£¡" "Oh£¬ no£¡ Who's in my shower?" "Get out of here." "Tartar control." "Kudos." "What are you doing?" "What do you want?" "You screwed up the orders for the playoff uniforms." "I didn't." "What style number did you order?" "I don't know. 17." "I told you I'm a 70." "AII right." "So what's the difference?" "Nothing." "Give me a towel." "Am I going to play tonight?" "I need to know." "I was thinking about bringing a girl to the game." "AII right£¬ I'II play you." "Then I'm telling her not to come." "This is why you guys are up here bothering me?" "What do you think£¬ we just came up here to watch you buff yourself to a high sheen?" "Yeah£¬ funny." "I'II take care of everything." "Do me a favor and get out of here£¡" "Nice nipples£¡" "These come in chewable." "Get out of here." "Don't forget the uniforms." "Who's starting tonight?" "The guys who aren't in my bathroom." "Yeah£¬ all right." "Kevin£¬ come on." "What£¬ are you crazy?" "Meanos." "Want some more French toast?" "Yes£¬ thank you£¬ Mommy." "You're welcome." "What did you send in the stooges to the shower for?" "Bunch of idiots." "They can't handle anything." "You okay£¬ honey?" "Yeah." "Listen£¬ I screwed up the uniforms." "I got to go do the uniforms now." "I got to make sure the gym's open." "AII the big£¬ important things a captain's got to do." "So I'II see you later£¬ all right?" "See you." "Bye£¬ Daddy." "Bye£¬ cutie." "Bye." "michael£¬ don't say anything dirty until I get back." "Can you get that?" "You want some help?" "Here£¬ let me spread that." "Look at all that syrup." "Is syrup your favorite thing?" "You like that?" "What's your favorite breakfast?" "Jam and bread." "That's what I thought." "What are you doing?" "I just retired." "What about the team?" "Don't worry about the team." "I'II tell them there's a better offer on the table." "Any more French toast?" "I'd love some." "Thank you£¬ Captain." "Yeah£¬ I'm a born leader." "Wow." "Wasn't that better than basketball?" "I think I sweat about the same." "I wonder how the guys are doing right now." "AII right£¬ guys£¬ as your captain..." "I just want to say..." "look£¬ don't get too down on yourselves£¬ all right?" "We did the best we could." "But for whatever reason£¬ we just didn't match up tonight." "Two, four, six, eight Who do we appreciate?" "Nemo's, Nemo's Yeah, Nemo's!"