"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... and then wonders why his life sucks?" "Well, that was me." "Every time somethin' good happened to me... somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done... and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes." "I'm just tryin'to be a better person." "My name is Earl." "[ Earl Narrating ] What's with all the balloons?" "Well, I was hoping they might help me get out of trouble." "You see, recently I had to add something bad I did to my list." "It was a big one, number 261." "It all started with the mail." "Thanks, Willie." "You got something, Randy." " [ Catalina ] Why does the flute talk?" " [ Jabbering ]" "Is he magic?" "Is he the ghost of a dead flute?" ""You are cordially invited to Joy and Darnell's wedding. "" "Joy's gettin' married?" "Well, I wonder if Willie dropped my invitation in the parking lot." "I don't think so." "This says "Randy Hickey plus anyone but Earl. "" "For the reception, how should I have my chicken?" "Grilled or McNuggetted?" "Oh, man, I wish I was invited." "I love chicken." "Probably gonna be cake too." "I love weddings." "The food, the cake, the dancing." " Whoo." " You wanna be my plus anyone but Earl?" "Okay." "When is it?" " Next Wednesday." " Next Wednesday?" "Man, that woman never stops, does she?" "If I check McNuggetted... you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces?" "I like hot mustard for the first bite... but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite." "It's like having a small meal, followed by a tiny dessert every 10 to 15 seconds." "[ Man On Radio ] So your hair's colored?" " [ Woman On Radio ] Yeah." "A little." " Fried?" "Damaged?" " [ Continues, Indistinct ]" " We need to talk." "Shh." "I'm tryin' to make a mix tape for the wedding." "I'm waitin' for my request." "You had to get married next Wednesday, on my birthday?" "Is next Wednesday your birthday?" "Hmm." "I did not know that." "Then why did you invite all my friends?" "You know I have a party at the Crab Shack on my birthday." "It's the one time a year I get drunk enough to break-dance." "Go Earl." "Go Earl." "It's your birthday." "It's your birthday." "Go Earl." "Go Earl." "Go Earl." "You're gonna have to do the worm all by your lonesome, 'cause D.J. Dave's doin' my wedding." "I gave him a 20-dollar gift certificate for Patty, the daytime hooker." "Hey, Earl." "Comin'to the wedding?" "He can't." "It's his birthday." " But that's okay." "He could still" " Darnell..." "I did not drag that water bed all the way from the flea market so it could sit there empty." " Happy birthday, Earl." " Thanks, Crab Man." "Here's one going out to Joy and Darnell... dancing for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Turner." "Damn it, Earl!" "You made me miss my intro." "[ Earl Narrating ] Randy said he'd stay with me on my birthday... but I knew how much he wanted to dance with Catalina." "So I insisted that he go to the wedding." "Since it's tacky to go to a wedding without a gift, I took Randy shopping." "Among other places, Joy was registered at the local liquor store." "How about tequila?" "Let's see." "Tequila." "Need 10." "Got 10." "Nope." "Oh, man, all the good stuff's taken." " Light beer?" " Light beer." "Need 336." "Got 324." "Grab it." "[ Earl Narrating ] Joy and Darnell weren't very religious... and they couldn't afford to rent out a hall... so they got married at the park." "Joy wanted to make sure they got a nice, shady spot... so she sent Darnell over there first thing in the morning." "Sorry." "This area's saved." "You see that?" "We should've gotten a clown." " [ Chattering ] - [ Earl Narrating ] Yeah, it was a beautiful day." "If it wasn't for the occasional interruption... from a nearby soccer game, it would've been perfect." " [ Indistinct Shout ]" " As everyone arrived..." "Joy and her bridesmaids were making themselves pretty." "Whoo!" "This thing's making me sweat like a whore in church." " No offense, Patty." " None taken." " I don't go to church." " Anybody got deodorant?" "Oh, I got Altoids and condoms." " These are scented." " I don't want your baby's butt wipes!" "I'll take one of those, Carla." "[ Squealing ] Joy!" "Oh, my God!" "Look at you!" "Oh, look at you!" "Oh, you are so beautiful!" "My God, my brother loves you so much, and I love you so much." "Okay." "Okay." "Time out, Daneesha." "Time out, Daneesha." "You're- You're gettin' boob glitter all over my face." "[ Slurred ] D-Do you" " Do you feel like singing "Happy Birthday"?" "Huh?" "Come on." "Coming up next." "What secret involving day laborers is Rob Schneider trying to hide?" "And home movies of Thanksgiving dinner... with Bruce, Demi, Ashton and the kids." "Can you say "pass the creepy"?" "Did you hear that, Willie?" "Thanksgiving together." "That-That-That's sweet." "Why can't I have a relationship like that with my ex-wife, huh?" "Poor Joy is probably all upset today... 'cause she thinks I'm mad she didn't invite me." "I'm not angry at her." "No, no, sir." "I wanna be friends." "I wanna be the Bruce to her Demi." "Yeah." "[ Earl Narrating ] Lookin' back on it now..." "I know it was a mistake makin'my way down to the park." " Hey, D.J. Dave." "Hey, folks." " [ Microphone Feedback ]" "Most of you guys know me, but- but I'm Earl." "Earl Hickey, Joy's ex-husband." " [ Microphone Feedback ]" " Hey, keep it on the field!" "There's a wedding goin'on over here!" "Hey, Crab Man, cool tux." " Thanks, Earl." " Who's that pretty lady with you?" " That's my moms." " Hey, Crab Man's moms." " Hey, Earl." " Earl, give D.J. Dave the microphone, please!" "See, she's mad." "That's why I'm here." "I don't want us to be like this." "Joy, I don't care that you planned this on my birthday." "It's my birthday today." "In fact, maybe just real quick" " Earl!" " Oh, that's cool." "Today is for you." "I-What part of wedding don't you understand?" "There's a woman gettin' married, and you're gonna ruin it!" " [ Grunts ] - [ All Gasping ]" "[ Chattering ]" "[ Earl Narrating ] And there it was... number 261- ruined Joy's wedding." "[ Indistinct Shouting ]" "[ Earl Narrating ] Driving over to Joy's... all I could think about was how I ruined her wedding." " [ All Gasping ]" " I knew she was gonna be upset... but I guess I expected more yelling' and spittin'." "Truth is, I've never seen her like this before." " I'm so sorry, Joy." " Whatever." "Don't beat yourself up, Earl." "It could've happened to anyone." "Soccer balls are hard to punt." "Look, I've thought about it... and the only way I can make up for this is to give you a new wedding." "I don't want a new wedding." "We'll just go down to the courthouse and get married." "You can't." "Look, it's on my list." "I have to do this." "Now, come on." "I'll do anything you want." "It'll be better than the last one." "Just leave me alone." " [ Video Game Beeping ]" " That's not a bad Berserker score." "Yeah, it's definitely gonna make the wall of fame." "[ Earl Narrating ] I decided I was gonna plan Joy a new wedding... whether she wanted it or not." "Hey, Earl, wanna go write "Wash me" on dirty cars?" " I already did ours." " I'd love to, Randy... but I'm busy reading about nontraditional options for bridesmaids' "bou-ketts."" "Why?" "She said she didn't want another wedding." "It's on my list now." "Besides, once she sees how much work I'm doing, she may want me to come." "We could stop all this fighting and finally get along." "This whole soccer ball thing could be a blessing in disguise." "Like when that guy got kicked out of Van Halen for wearing them stupid pants... but then got even more famous?" "What was his name?" "Just make sure you got good music." "Yeah." "Yeah, music's important." "[ Earl Narrating ] Music was important." "So I made sure I stopped by the record store before paying' Joy another visit." "I bought you some CDs for D.J. Dave so you don't have to make a mix tape this time." "And I found some really good ideas in a bride magazine... for inexpensive ways to make colorful centerpieces." "for inexpensive ways to make colorful centerpieces." "Three hours ago, that was a two-liter bottle of soda and 25 cents' worth of paper." "[ Gasps ] It's beautiful." "I can make as many as you want." "Last night, Randy emptied out about 20 of'em." "You got Monsters of Rap?" "Yeah, at the nice price." "I got Monsters of Rock too... with the extended version of" Cherry Pie" like you like." " Ha!" " [ Earl Narrating ] And there it was." "For the first time in a long time, Joy smiled at me." "She was happy." "And over the next week... as we planned her perfect wedding, things just kept getting better." "We picked out place settings." "These plates are pretty." "Oh, but look." "These have matching napkins." "Oh. "Party your ass off."" "Oh, and look." "The little horse has a top hat on." "That's cute." "Let's get these." "[ Earl Narrating ] I even found a wedding dress sale... where irregular dresses were all under $50." "This one's guaranteed to have only been worn eight times." "Yeah, but I like this one, because it's lined so I don't have to wear panties." " It's perfect." " But it's got a stain on it." "That's where I'm gonna bedazzle my initials." "[ Earl Narrating ] We were working as a team." "It was like the good ol' days." "Then" " I'm not quite sure how it happened- things got a little too much like the good ol' days." "[ Moaning ]" "[ Earl Narrating ] As soon as I woke up, I realized... that sleeping with Joy three days before her wedding was a huge mistake." "Uh, honey?" "I think we should talk about what happened last night." "It was so crazy, I'm not sure I even remember." "Then I wish we could trade." "I remember everything." "[ Earl Narrating ] When I went over to talk to Joy about the night before... she no longer had love in her eyes." "You got a lot of damn nerve seducing me like that." " Seducing you?" " Yes." "You knew exactly what you were doing- bein' all nice to me, planning' my wedding... helping me pick out my perfect irregular wedding dress." "How dare you!" "You know I'm a passionate woman." "I was just bein' nice so we could get along better, like Bruce and Demi." "I didn't know we'd get along three times in one night." "Yeah, well, we can't undo the humping', so let's just forget it ever happened." "Fine." "I'll just tell Darnell, and we'll be done with it." "What?" "You can't tell Darnell!" "I have to." "It's already on my list." "Number 262- slept with Crab Man's fiancee." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Look, you wanna have a good relationship with me, don't you?" " That's why you're doin' all this, right?" " Well, yeah." "Then you need to keep your big snitchy trap shut." "Because if you tell him, I will never forgive you." "Besides, you think Bruce and Demi don't sleep together and don't tell Ashton?" "[ Scoffs ] Please." "[ Earl Narrating ] I did want to be friendly with Joy." "And since I'm not sure what good telling' Darnell would do..." "I agreed to keep quiet." "In return, Joy invited me to the rehearsal meal." "Since three people in the wedding party had court-mandated curfews... the traditional rehearsal dinner was switched to a rehearsal lunch." "Okay, now, I got everybody smalls... but remember there's free refills." "So a small is really a large with a little extra walking." "[ Earl Narrating ] And Casa De Pizza and Games... turned out to be the perfect choice... 'cause the kids had something to keep 'em busy." " [ Children Squealing ] - [ Laughing ]" "[ Chattering ]" "Sweetheart?" "Sweetheart, that's not makin' any sound." "Everybody, Darnell has somethin' he wants to say." "Uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I'm a very lucky man." "And I wanted to thank Earl for helping us plan our second wedding." "You're a good friend, Earl." " To Earl!" " [ All ] To Earl!" "[ Earl Narrating ] That's when it hit me." "I can't lie to Darnell." "He's my friend." "We've had some good times." " Hey, Earl." " Hey, Crab Man." " Hey, Earl." " Hey, Crab Man." " Hey, Earl." " Hey, Crab Man." " Hey, Crab Man." " Hey, Earl." "[ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't keep a secret from Darnell." "Besides, he was on my list, and I had to tell him." "[ Chattering Continues ]" "Crab Man?" "I did somethin' very bad with someone you love." "[ All Gasping ]" " Come here for a second, okay?" " Mommy?" " Not now, baby." " I need to potty." "Oh, for God's sakes, you picked today to stop goin' in your pants?" "Come on." " I have to tell him." " Oh, like H-E-L-Lyou do!" "I can't live like this, Joy." "He needs to know we..." "H-A-D sex together." "Oh, that is B-U-L-L honky!" "Marriages built on lies don't last." "Look at us." "It's not the lies that screw people up." "It's the finding out." "You keep your mouth shut, Earl." "He needs to know." "Fine." "But let me tell him." "At least give me that." " I think that's a good idea." " Tsk." "I'm done." "Help." "Old Daddy, are you there?" "Yeah, Old Daddy's here." "[ Laughing ]" "I have something to tell you, and it's not gonna be easy to hear... um, but I need you to promise me that you're not gonna make a scene." "[ Earl Narrating ] Being the sneaky little woman Joy is... she thought she would take one last shot at not tellin' the truth." "Earl slept with your mother." "[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, he couldn't help himself from making a scene." "[ Grunting ]" "Come on, Crab Man." "You know how she is." "You can't be that surprised." "[ Groans ] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened." "We used to do it all the time." "[ Grunts, Groans ]" "Come on, Crab Man." "I didn't get mad when you slept with her." "[ Grunts ]" "You take that back!" "I've never had sexual relations with my moms." "[ All Gasping ]" "Your moms?" "I didn't sleep with your moms." "I slept with Joy." "You son of a bitch!" "I had this covered!" "[ Earl Groaning ]" "[ Groaning Continues ]" "Darnell." "Crab Man?" "Hey, buddy." "Hey." "Look, Crab Man, this was totally an accident." "If I could go back and change what happened" "I'm not mad, Earl." "Like you said..." "I did the same thing to you when you were married to her." "Yeah, but that's not your fault." "It's not our fault at all." "It's her." "She's a vixen." "Isn't that one of Santa's reindeer?" "Yeah, but I think it's also, like, a- uh, like a woman who's, you know, not a whore... but kind of like a sexy, uh" "I'm not sure what it is." "Look, I know who Joy used to be." "I just thought she changed." "I thought she loved me." "She does." "She does love you." "When I told her I was gonna tell you what happened..." "I saw a look of panic on her face I've never seen before." "She was scared of losing you." "She was scared?" "Joy?" "Terrified." "And I've never seen that woman scared of losing anything." "[ Earl Narrating ] That was the truth." "I knew Joy loved Crab Man more than she's ever loved anyone." "And Crab Man loved her right back." "[ Earl Narrating ] I did it." "I gave her back her wedding." "And even though she hated me for telling Darnell the truth..." "I knew it was the right thing to do." "Earl, come get in one of these." "Oh, great." "It's bad enough you had to invite him." "[ Earl Narrating ] As for me and Joy having that Bruce and Demi relationship" "I hope you get nut cancer, you son of a bitch." "Nice." "You kiss your "igellitimate" children with that mouth?" "Smile." "Well, at least we'll look happy in the pictures." "[ Earl Narrating ] They say you never forget the first dance at your wedding." "I know Randy will never forget his."