"Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best." ""This guy's the best." They can't all be the best." "There can't be this many bests." "Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes." "Where are these doctors?" "Is somewhere someone saying to their friend:" ""You should see my doctor." "He's the worst." "Oh, yeah." "He's the worst." "He's the absolute worst there is." "Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him." "He's just a..." "He's a butcher." "The man's a butcher."" "Then there's always that, " Make sure you tell him that you know me."" "Why?" "What's the difference?" "He's a doctor." "What is he...?" ""Oh, you know Bob." "Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine." "Everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs."" "And usually for lunch, I'll have a salad." "And for dinner, I eat whatever I want." "What do you think the worst part of being blind is?" "Excuse me?" "You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would be?" "I don't know." "I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food." "How could you ever enjoy a meal like that?" "I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue." "Well, that's how my 5-year-old eats." "He's a very picky eater." "Hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?" "No." "He was at a carnival with his mother." "She gets a hot dog next thing you know, she turns around, boom, he's gone." "Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that." "And these people are all over the place." "You never know who's crazy." "I could be one of these people." "Have you seen any good movies?" "Who takes care of your boy during the day?" "We have a woman." "Why?" " No, I'm just saying." " She had references." "I'm sure she did." "I'm sure they're impeccable." "I'm talking about the ones that forge them." "You know, I think this is really helping." "I don't live near here, you know." "So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation." " I don't like to talk during a massage." " Neither do I, but I do it for them." " I figure they're bored." " Yeah, I do that too." "I feel guilty about getting the pleasure." "I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk." "It stops me from enjoying it." "There's nothing to eat in here." " I forgot to tell you." " I'm in the middle of a story." " Okay, go ahead." " Why don't you ever go shopping?" "It's not like it's a really funny story." " What happened?" " So she mentioned that she had a son." "And then for some reason I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted." " Oh, wasn't that terrible?" " Yes, it was." "Not even an apple." "She doesn't wanna hear that." "That was stupid." " I know it was stupid." " Really stupid." "Hey, I just said it was stupid." " What about this Chinese food?" " Take it." " I can't believe you said that." " Hey, would you stop it already." "So, what did she say?" "She actually seemed to get a little paranoid." "This is terrible." "What is this, ginger?" "I hate ginger." "I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger." " I have a good masseuse." " No, she's really good." "She's not just a masseuse." "She's a physical therapist." "There's a big difference." "She uses the ultrasound." "It's a real medical procedure." "In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance." "Physical therapy is covered by insurance?" "Yeah." " You don't pay for the massage?" " Not if you have a doctor's note." "So where do you get this note?" "I've never actually done it, but if I wanted to I could probably get one from Roy, the dentist." "Right." "Your friend Roy." "What's the name of this physical therapist?" "I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid." "She's a little off." "And you don't have to pay?" "We have 3:00 appointments." " George and Elaine, right?" " Right." "Could you fill these out, please?" "And, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna." "And, George, you'll be with Raymond." "Excuse me." "Did you say Raymond?" "Yes." "But Raymond is a man." "That's right." "I can't get a massage from a man." " Why not?" " What, are you crazy?" "I can't have a man touching me." "Switch with me." "I don't want the man either." "What?" "You're a woman." "They're supposed to be touching you." " He'd just be touching your back." " He'd just be touching your back too." " No, it could get sexual." " I know." "That's the point." "If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you." " I wouldn't be comfortable." " I would?" " What if something happens?" " Oh, what could happen?" "What if it felt good?" " It's supposed to feel good." " I don't want it to feel good." " Then why get the massage?" " Exactly." "George." " Yes." " I'm Raymond." "Hello." "Are you ready?" "And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office." "Really?" "Used to be a flight attendant." "Oh, boy." "Why don't you open those pants." "It's gonna be a lot easier that way." " So, what do you do?" " What?" "I said, what do you do?" "I don't know." " You don't know what you do?" " No." "Oh, come on." " You're very tense." " Coffee." "Too much coffee." "Take off those pants." "I'll work the hamstring." "Oh, the hamstring's fine." " But you wrote that it was tender." " I wrote." "I wrote." "I'll check it out." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." "Take them off." "How did you hurt this?" "I don't know." " You don't know?" " No." " But you just told me." " Korea." " You hurt it in Korea?" " What?" " The hamstring." " Korea." "How?" "Hamstring." "How did you hurt the hamstring?" "Hotel." "How'd it go?" "George?" "No appointments at all?" "Because my neck is still tight." "What about Thursday?" "And Friday?" "Oh, boy." "Okay." "Thanks anyway." "What's with you?" "A..." "Yes." "A..." "A man gave me..." "Yes." "A man gave you..." "A man gave me a massage." " So?" " So he had his hands and..." "He was..." " He was what?" " He..." "He was touching and rubbing." "That's a massage." " Then I took my pants off." " You took your pants off?" "For my hamstring." "He got about two inches from there." " Really?" "I think it moved." " It moved?" " It may have moved." "I don't know." " I'm sure it didn't move." " It moved!" "It was imperceptible, but I felt it." "Maybe it just wanted to change positions." "You know shift to the other side." " No, no." "It wasn't a shift." "I've shifted." "This was a move." " Okay." "So what if it moved?" " That's the sign, the test." "If a..." "If a man makes it move." "That's not the test." "Contact is the test." "If it moves as a result of contact." "Do you think it's contact?" "It has to be touched?" "That's what a gym teacher once told me." " Hey." " Hey." "I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts." "You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a doughnut." "Joe DiMaggio?" " In Dinky Doughnuts?" " Yes." " Joe DiMaggio." " No." "I'm sorry." "If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut, he goes to a fancy restaurant." "He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts." "Well, maybe he likes Dinky Doughnuts." "I don't like to sit next to men on airplanes because our knees might touch." "I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter at little, tiny, filthy, smelly Dinky Doughnuts." "Why can't he have a doughnut like everybody else?" "He can have a doughnut, but not a Dinky." "I don't even like to use urinals." "Always been a stall man." "Look, I'm telling..." "I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio." "The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe." "He's in Dinky Doughnuts." "What about this doctor's note?" " Let's go see Roy." " I never said I'd do that." "What are you talking about?" "That's 75 bucks." "I'm not working." "I can't afford that." "I don't know how I feel about it." "Oh, what are you, like a Quaker now?" "All right, all right." "A stall man, huh?" "So we were wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note." "And if you can't, believe me, it's fine." " He didn't say he can't." " lf you feel funny about it at all." " He doesn't feel funny." " lf he does." " Do you feel funny?" " Forget it." " He didn't say anything." " He feels funny." " You don't have to do this." " He knows that!" "Should we go?" "Is this a breach of our friendship?" "Oh, can you be any more dramatic?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Holyfield." "He's a good friend of one of my patients." "He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?" "How would I know?" "Do you like him?" "What do you mean, like him?" " Do you like him?" " Well, I mean, he's a good fighter and a nice guy, but I don't like him." " How come you don't like him?" " Why should I?" " What is the matter with you?" " Nothing." "Why?" "You think something's wrong?" "Am I different?" " So you want the notes?" " You don't have to, really." "No, no." "It's okay." "We should probably get one for Elaine too, right, George?" "George?" "George." "What about the week after?" "No appointments at all?" "What?" "Well, can l...?" "Can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize?" "Forget it." "I can't believe this." "I make one innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania, and I'm cut off." "This woman is insane." "What's with you?" "What?" "You were too close to me." "I was all scrunched in there." "Hey, you scrunched me." "I sat down here first." "Hey." "I saw DiMaggio in the doughnut shop again." " Yeah." " Joe DiMaggio?" "Joe DiMaggio." "This time I went in and I sat down across from him and I really watched him." "I studied his every move." "For example, he dunks." " Joe DiMaggio dunks his doughnuts?" " That's right." "See, now I know it's not him." "Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker." "Oh, he's a dunker." " Why couldn't he be a dunker?" " Nothing diverts his attention." "Like, I'm sitting in there, you know and I start banging on the table so that he'll look up." "Like I'm sitting there, and I..." "He wouldn't move." "So then I started doing these yelping noises, like:" "No reaction, because the guy is so focused, you see." "He can just block out anything that's going on around him." "See, that's how he played baseball." "He dunks like he hits." " So then what?" " Well then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out." "Why didn't you just call out his name?" "What happened to you?" "These kids called me a Mary." "A what?" "I was jumping over a puddle." "For some reason, I went like this:" "And they called me a Mary." "So I chased them and I tripped and I fell." "Yeah, you know kids." "They can be very perceptive." "Hey, George." "What is this?" "What is that?" "No, really." "What is that?" "Hello." "Oh, hi, Roy." "What?" "Oh, my God." "How did this happen?" "What can I do?" "I am so sorry." "Okay." "Bye." "That was Roy." "He's under investigation for insurance fraud." " I told you." " Told me what?" " I told you we shouldn't do it." " I didn't say anything." "He's got a house, a family." "They could take away his license." "Three notes." "How stupid was that?" "We never should've got three notes." " Three notes?" " Yeah." "You, me and George." " You got me a note?" " Yeah." " But I got my own note." " You what?" " I got a note from my gynecologist." " Why'd you do that?" " I didn't know you'd get me a note." " Of course I'd get you a note." " You didn't say anything." " Neither did you." "That's how he got caught." "We sent in four notes from two doctors." "How could you do that to your friend?" "He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff." "Oh, yeah." " Hi, Pam." " Hello." "Hello." "I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy if..." "Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloane...?" " Hi." " Hi, Roy." " How you doing?" " Come on back." "I have a patient, but she's under." " I don't even know what to say." " Me neither." " I knew this would happen." " Me too." "I mean, the whole thing, it's just..." " Tragic." " Well, it's not tragic." " No?" " No." "It's..." " Unsettling?" " Okay." " I mean, what if they...?" " I hope you're both happy." "I'm not happy." "Me, neither." "I've never been happy." "I mean, I'm happy sometimes, but not now." "In college, maybe." " Those were fun times." " Yeah, college was fun." "You know the whole practice is in jeopardy." "You know that." " Don't mind her." " Oh, please." "I love her." "I've just met her, but I'm very impressed." "I've never had a problem with these notes before." "What's gonna happen now?" "Nothing, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story." "What?" "The physical therapist?" "Why?" "She has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem." "How you doing?" "Hi." "Look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna." "I'm sorry." "She's not in." "I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her." "I told you she's not here." "Look, you have to leave." "Wait a second." "Don't you...?" "Hi." "Look, I don't know what you think..." " Please." " But, you see..." "Let me talk to you for a second." "What I did is inadvertently..." "I treated you, so please just get out of the office." "Can't you listen to me?" "Run, Billy!" "Run to the office and close the door." "Call the police." "The police." "What is the...?" "Hi, George." "Hello." "Raymond?" "Well, I mean, it's only a six-month probation." "It's a slap on the wrist." "I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming." "Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies." "All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle." "Of what?" "And a guy will appear from out of nowhere." "I said, "Get out of here." "What do you want?" "You don't belong here."" " What do they do?" " They talk back." "They go, " Hey, George, how's it going?"" "I said, "Get the hell out of here."" "Hey, it's the K-Man." "Maybe it's time you got a different hobby." "Oh, man." "Just came from Roy's." "I threw up from the gas." " Did he say anything?" " No, no." "He's fine." "Oh, my God." "It's..." " What?" " Joe DiMaggio." "Having a cup of coffee." " And he's dunking." " Yeah." "Look at him." "The Yankee Clipper." "Here." "You see?" "Now, that is a handsome man." "Oh, please." "Wait." "Hold on a minute." "Wait." "See?" "I told you." "What causes homophobia?" "What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry?" "I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance." "We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right." "Men think, "Obviously, I can be talked into anything." "What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes:" "'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store." "See how you feel." "No obligation, no pressure, just try it." "Would you like to see him in a sandal?"'" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Good evening." "Welcome to the show." "The extra buttons." "Yeah." "What kind of a sicko, really, would save these have them in a huge file?" "Drawers that wide." "You know, you just..." ""Where the hell is that but..."" "I mean, is it that hard to get black, round buttons that they make it into a whole thing?" "Like this is such a great jacket." "These buttons are so unique, so one-of-a-kind." "You'll never find them." "We'll save you the trouble of knocking your brains out." "We know they're going to fall off too." "That's the other point that they're trying to make here." "Everyone in my family's creative." "And even though I'm working as an accountant right now I'd really like to eventually work exclusively on my papier-mâché hats." "I don't understand." "Papier-mâché hats?" "What if it rains?" "They're art." "You hang them on the wall." "Art." "It's my creative outlet, one of my passions." "Any money in it?" ""Who so belongs only to his age reverences only its popinjays and mumbo jumbos."" "Of course." "Right." " Thomas Carlyle, 1864." " Tommy C." "These are the receipts from '85." " And I'm gonna do '86." " I'm sorry." "I thought it was a legitimate charity." "I didn't know you'd get audited." "I don't blame you." "I blame myself." " No, blame me." " Okay, I blame you." " No, no, don't blame me." " What was I supposed to do?" "I was on my first date with Elaine." "You come barging in here, asking me to contribute money to a volcano relief fund for Krakatoa." "It was supposed to erupt." "I find the whole thing embarrassing." "Well, you know what my feelings are about this." "I don't even pay taxes." "Yeah." "That's easy when you have no income." " Hi." " Hi." "Kramer, do me a favour, will you?" "If you insist on making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer." "All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them." "What's so funny?" "Oh, I don't know." "Kramer dating your roommate, it's funny." "It's a riot, Alice." "When do you put the sauce on?" "Any other time." "No, no, no." "I like to strain the sauce." "And I could really live without the tribal music and the make-out sessions in the living room." "Yeah, Tina likes the couch." " What are you doing?" "What is all this?" " Oh, he's helping me sort my receipts." "I'm being audited." "You're being audited?" "What for?" "Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent." " It's really very boring." " When was this?" "A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." "I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date." "Volcano?" "Really?" "Oh, wait a minute." "Don't tell me that that was..." "Something to drink?" "What, did you think that would impress me?" "You've got me all wrong." "I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoan." "Like you'd make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?" "Those brave Krakatoans east of Java who sacrificed so much, for so long." "Now you're being audited because of it." " See, that's karma." " No, that's Kramer." " So, what are you gonna do?" " It's all taken care of." "How is that?" "An old friend of mine, whom you may have met George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formerly a highly placed official with a little outfit known as the IRS." "And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information and she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise." "Why is she doing this?" "I don't know." "It must be love." "I don't think we should see each other anymore." "You're great but I'm riddled with personal problems." " What's wrong?" "What did I do?" " Nothing." "It's not you." "It's me." "I have a fear of commitment." " I don't know how to love." " You hate my earrings, don't you?" " No, no." " And you didn't comment on the chopsticks." "I love the chopsticks." "I personally prefer a fork, but they look very nice." "You're not telling me the truth." "I must have done something." " I have a fear of intimacy. I..." " Don't give me clichés." "I have a right to know." "What did I do?" "Nothing." "It's not you." "I want the truth!" "The truth?" "You want the truth?" "!" "It is your earrings!" "It is your chopsticks." "But it's so much more." "You're pretentious." "You call everyone by their full name." "You called my doorman Sammy, "Samuel."" "But you didn't even say Samuel." "You went "Samuel."" "Papier-mâché?" "What is papier-mâché?" "Keep going." "I think I made my point." "I'm sorry if I was a little harsh." "No." "I asked for the truth." "Thank you for being so honest." "Can I...?" " Can I walk you back to work?" " I really prefer to go alone." "How much do I owe?" "Oh, please." "Four dollars is fine." "If this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would've killed this man." "I would've strangled him with my bare hands." " I don't blame you." " Ever been through an audit?" " No." " It's hell." "It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination." "I would've killed this man." "Torn him limb from limb." "Ripped the flesh right off his bones." " Yeah?" " It's George." "Come on up." "There he is, the man himself George Louis Costanza." "Here I am, about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor." "My whole life has been a complete waste of time." "And there's so much more to go." "Now I know what I'm supposed to do." "It is so simple." "Tell the truth." "That's all." "Just tell the truth." " You give her my tax papers?" " What?" "My papers?" "What?" "Oh, the papers." " You didn't give her the papers?" " No, I did." "So?" "I broke up with her." " You what?" " I broke up with her." "I'm being audited and you broke up with her?" " It's okay." "It's fine." " She'll do it." "I'm sure she'll still do it." " Why?" "Why will she still do it?" "She hates you now." "People don't do you favours after you dump them." "No, no." "We left on good terms." "How is that possible?" "Because I..." "I told her the truth." " Oh, my God." " Okay." " It's unheard of." " She asked me to." "So you lie." " What did you tell her?" " I told her that she was pretentious." "Pretentious?" "The woman has my tax papers." "You told her she's pretentious?" "The IRS they're like the Mafia." "They take anything they want." "How would you like it if someone told you the truth?" " What?" "What could they say?" " There are plenty of things to say." "Like what?" "I'm bald?" "What is it specifically?" "Is there an odour I'm not aware of?" " George, please." " Give me one." " You sure?" " Yes." "Okay." "You're extremely careful with money." "I'm what?" " Forget it." " I'm cheap?" "You think I'm cheap?" "!" "How could you say that to me?" "I can't believe this!" " How could you say that to me?" " You asked me to." " You should've lied." " So should you!" "Okay, wait a second." "What happened to my papers?" " I'm not really working right now." " I know." "When I was working, I spent, baby!" "Yeah, I know." "Champagne, limos, cigars." "What happened to the papers?" "She put them in her pocketbook." "I guess she took them." " A pocketbook or a handbag?" " Is that relevant?" "She took them." "Call her office." "Give me the phone." "Yeah, hi, I'd like to speak to Patrice." "What?" "Oh, really." "Oh, okay." "Thank you." "What?" "What?" "She never came back from lunch." "This is no good." "This is no good." "Call her house." "Hi." "Are you okay?" "No, no." "No..." "She hung up." "Not good." "All right, look, there's nothing to be worried about." "She's just a little annoyed right now." "Tomorrow, I'll personally go over there." "I'll apologize." "I'll get the papers." "Don't worry." "Don't worry." "Not good." "Yeah, it's a windshield." "I can see that." "What's it for?" "I found it on the road." " Yeah?" " I just finished working out." " Are you busy?" " No." "Come on up." "Can you believe somebody threw this out?" "I'm gonna make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina." "Well, wouldn't it be invisible?" "I mean, what, are you gonna just sense it's in front of the couch?" "Well..." "Hello." "Hello." "What's with you two?" " You haven't told him?" " Told me what?" "Go ahead, tell him." "I saw her naked." "He saw me naked." "Kramer saw me naked." "Well, it was an accident." "Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking?" "I wanna know." "I thought it was a closet." "Completely naked?" "Completely naked." "Jerry, how can I go on?" "All right, if it's gonna make you feel any better, you can see me naked." "No, thank you." " No, I want you to see me naked." " No, no, no." " I wanna show you." " No!" "Jerry!" "Hold it." "Just a second." "Let's not lose our heads here." "Kramer, you know you're always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned that's another story." " What is this?" " It's a windshield." "It's going to be your new coffee table." "I'm gonna kill myself on that thing." "You can't even see it." "You'll sense it." "Well?" "What happened?" "Was she there?" "No." "No, she wasn't." " You didn't get my papers?" " No, I didn't." "Well, where is she?" "A mental institution." "Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable to be naked?" "It's because we have clothes on you can always make those little adjustments, which people love to do." "You feel like you're getting it together." ""Yeah, I look pretty good." "Feeling good, looking good."" "But when you're naked, it's like..." "It's so final." "You're just, "Well that's it." "There's nothing else I can do."" "That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked." "Because I feel it gives me something." "Some, you know, "I'm naked, but, you know..."" "I'd like to get pockets to hang off of the belt." "That would be..." "Wouldn't that be the ultimate thing?" "To be naked and still be able to do this." "I think that would really help a lot." "A mental institution?" "You know what they do in there?" "Did you see Cuck oo's Nest?" "They put those electrodes in your head." "It's not really a mental institution." "It's more like a depression clinic." "She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in." "I'm sick over this." " Who told you this?" " Her roommate." "I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution." "My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments." "But his synapses were so large, had no effect." "You know, I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the whereabouts of my papers?" "She put them in her pocketbook." "She probably took them out there with her." " So, what now?" " I don't know." "Can we go out there?" " Where?" " Woodhaven." "We could." "I'm very nervous about this." "I've never spoken to a mental patient before." "My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time." "Came over to my house for dinner, there was no soda and he went berserk." "He was screaming, "Where's the Pepsi?" "Where's the Pepsi?"" "I should be in a place like this." "I envy this woman." "Get to wear slippers all day." "Friends visit, they pity you." "Pity's very underrated." "I like it." "It's good." "Plus, they give you those word- association tests." "I love those." "They're great." "There's no wrong answer." " Potato." " Tuberculosis." " Blanket." " Leroy." " Grass." " Tuberculosis." "Oh, boy." "Here she comes." "Oh, my God." "Oh, Kram..." "Kramer!" "Kramer, could you please put something on?" "Well..." "Oh, boy." "Listen, you want some leftovers?" "I made some African food." "There's yambalas and sambusa." "Sweetie." " Are you coming back to bed?" " Yeah, yeah." "I'll be right there, babe." "Hi, Elaine." "What did you think of the coffee table?" "It's invisible." "So is everything cool or what?" "Yeah, you seem a little bit dysfunctional." " Well..." " Come on, Elaine just tell us the truth." "The truth?" "You want the truth?" "Who are you?" "This is my friend Jerry." "Why are you talking like that?" "And what do you want?" "Want?" "What could I possibly want?" "I just came because I heard so many nice things about you from George." "George thinks I'm pretentious." "Pretentious." "Who isn't pretentious?" "I mean if everyone that was pretentious was in a mental institution..." "Obviously, this isn't a mental institution." "You're trying to take it back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here." " No, that's not it at all." " Don't lie, George!" "I'm not a liar." "We're cool." "Everything's cool." " No problem." "We're good." " Just chatting." "Very friendly." "Alrighty." "No reason for us to raise our voices." "I know what you said." "You can't change that." "What I said." "I say stupid things all the time." "I can't go two minutes without saying something dumb." "It's one stupid thing after another." "So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places do you bring your pocketbook?" "You should be the one criticizing me." "I'm lucky to even know someone like you." " Do you mean that?" " Of course." " I'm incapable of guile." " He's never guiled." "You know, some women keep a lot of important papers in their pocketbooks." "Like, for example someone else's personal financial papers." "Papers." "Oh, Jerry." "You're the Jerome with the tax problem." "You know, after that date with George I got so cuckoo, I threw out all your papers." "So I'd love to help you, but I'll just need the copies." "There are no copies." "So are you saying you want to continue seeing me?" "Who makes copies?" "The truth is I think you make a very nice couple." "Oh, Kramer." " Here, Kramer?" " No, no." "Let's go to the couch." "Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there." "It was 1987." "I remember I talked to a guy, had, like, a maroon sport jacket and he might have had a toupee." "Oh, it was a weave?" "Okay, well, then I'll come by." "Okay, bye." "Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th Street?" "I think I may have tracked down another receipt." "I can't." "I got to go visit Tina in the hospital." " George?" " I'm going to a poetry reading with Patrice." "First-time poets." "It's in a burnt-out building down by the docks." "It's supposed to be good." "Are you going to the hospital now?" " Yeah, I suppose I am." " All right." "Great, great." "We'll share a cab." "You going by 48th." "You can give me a ride." "I'm getting in on that." " Yeah." " You know you're chipping in." "You're going that way anyway!" "Come on." "I was audited last year." "I have been through an audit." "At first, I thought, "Well, IRS kind of sounds like Toys 'R' Us." "Maybe it won't be so bad." "Maybe they have a sense of fun about it."" "You know?" "But it's bad." "It's an ordeal." "And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal." "I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big, Lucite sweepstake drums and just kind of crank it around there." "Give you a feeling like you might win something." "You know what I mean?" "Then they can pull them out and go:" ""Oh, I'm sorry." "That's another illegal deduction but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you." "Jail."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "So I'm on the plane." "We left late." "Pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time." Isn't that interesting?" "They just make up time." "That's why you have to reset your watch." "Of course when they say they're making up time obviously, they're increasing the speed of the aircraft." "Now my question is, if you can go faster why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time?" "Come on." "There's no cops up here." "Nail it." "Give it some gas." "We're flying." "Travelling, of course, is the best education." "You know, last year I was ill for 40, 45 countries and I would've gone to more, but I'd just got a puppy." "And he was too young to take with me." "But not now." "I won't travel without him." " Is he on the plane now?" " Oh, yes." "Yes, he's in the baggage compartment." "I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me." "He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here." "You have any pets?" "Just my next-door neighbour." "Well you are missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never even thought possible." "How about picking up their...?" "You know." "You find that enriching?" " What's the matter?" " Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy." "Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital." "My dog." "What about my dog?" "You have a dog?" "Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?" "Jerry." "How you feeling?" "Would you take care of Farfel?" "Farfel?" "It's his dog." "We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital." " Could you take his dog to New York?" " The dog?" " The dog?" " I'm sure it's only for a day or two." "But, you know..." "What if, you know...?" "Give me your address and phone number." "I'll call you." "The dog?" "Let go, Farfel." "Let go." "Give me that." "Give me that sneaker, you stupid idiot." "Shut up!" "So, what would you do?" "It's only been three days." "I'm sure he's gonna call." "Stop it!" "Shut up!" "Do you believe this?" "Do you believe what I'm dealing with?" "I got a wild animal in the house." "He'd deranged." "Maybe he's got rabies." "I can get lockjaw." " lf only." " Look at this place." "He's going everywhere." "I can't go out of the house at night." "I haven't performed in three days." "This will be my first night out since I got back." "Hey, when you walk him, do you...?" "Do I what?" "Do you pick it up?" "Yes, I pick it up." " You pick it up?" " Well, you have to." "Oh, boy, would I love to see that." "Shut up!" "Shut up, Farfel!" "Stop it!" "I don't know what to do." "What if I take it to the pound, then the guy shows up?" "You should call the airline." "They might know where he is." "No, I tried." "They don't know anything." "You gotta put the syrup in first." " No, milk." " I'm telling you." "The guy's a drunk." "He's probably on a bender." "What is a bender anyhow?" "I don't know." "They drink and they bend things at the bar." "I don't know." "I can't believe he hasn't called." "Two hundred seats on a plane I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo." "Shut up!" "One more day, and you are pound-bound!" "Hey, I'm sorry." "I can't watch the dog tonight." " Why?" " We're going to the movies." "We're gonna see Prognosis Negative." "I can't." "I gotta get this Ellen out of my life." " You're breaking up?" " Oh, yeah." "The sooner the better." "I can't wait to do it." "You know some people you worry about whether or not you're gonna hurt their feelings?" "With her, I'm looking forward to it." "Boy, I'd like to get it on video." "Watch it in slow motion and freeze-frame it." "Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did." "You didn't like her?" "If you could see her personality it'd be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps." "I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet." "How come you never said anything?" "You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend till after they stop..." " I tell you." "You." "I'm talking about people." "Are we still going to the movies tonight?" "No, I can't." "I gotta watch Farfel." "You and George can go without me." " Just me and George?" " Sure." "But we need you." "What do you need me for?" "Because." " Yeah?" " Prognosis Negative." "Because I relate to George through you." "We're more like friends-in-law." "Besides, we said we'd see Prognosis Negative together." "Can't you put some newspapers down or something?" "No, I can't trust him." "He gets insane." "I won't enjoy myself." "That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!" "Just me and George alone?" "Let's go, people." "Let's go." "It's Prognosis Negative time." "I can't go." " You can't go?" "Why not?" " Because I have to watch idiot Farfel." " I thought Kramer was watching him." " He's breaking up with his girlfriend." "What's the problem?" "Just put newspaper down." "No, I don't want that smell in the house." " You spritz a little Lysol on it..." " No." "It's like BO and cologne." "They combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk." "So we're not going?" "Nah." "You two go." "You still wanna go?" "Do you?" "If you want." " It's..." "It's up to you." " Go ahead." "Well, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry." "You wanna see Ponce de Leon?" "Ponce de Leon?" "Okay." " You sure you don't wanna go?" " I want to, but I can't." "Oh!" "I tell you what." "How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up?" "And I open up the windows, and if you're still not satisfied we switch apartments for the night." " No." " What about this...?" " Forget it." "Go ahead." "You'll have a good time." " I know." "It's not that." " I just want you to go." "Well, thank you very much." "I'm telling you, one more day, stink breath!" "On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags which to me is just the lowest function of human life." "If aliens are watching this through telescopes they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders." "If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop the other one's carrying it for him..." "Who would you assume is in charge?" "So how long did you live there?" "About three years." "That's pretty long." " It's not that long, really." " Yeah." " Do you...?" " So..." " And then you came here." " Yeah." "So I've been here about six years." "'86, '87, '88, '89, '90 '91." "Yep." "Bad dog." "Bad dog!" "You go outside!" "Outside!" "What do you want from me?" "Tell me." "Money?" "You want money?" "I'll give you money." "How much?" "I must have been out of my mind." "Look at you." "Why don't you do something with your life?" "You sit around here all day." "You contribute nothing to society!" "You're just taking up space!" "I mean, how can I be with someone like you?" "Wouldn't respect myself." "I like herbal tea." "Chamomile's good." "Lemon Lift." "Almond Pleasure." "Jerry likes Morning Thunder." " Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?" " Yeah." "Morning Thunder has caffeine in it." "Jerry doesn't drink caffeine." "Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it." " You don't tell him?" " No." "And you should see him." "Man, he gets all hyper." "He doesn't even know why." "He loves it." "He walks around going, "God, I feel great!"" " You don't tell him?" " No." " That is so funny." " I know." "Have you ever seen him throw up?" "Please!" "Please!" "I take it all back!" "Everything." "I take it all back!" "Every word!" "I love you!" "I love you!" "I can't live without you!" "I'll do anything!" "That's right." "Gavin Palone." "What?" "You're sure?" "He was released on Monday?" "Last Monday?" "Did he leave a phone number or address?" "Unbelievable." "Well, thank you." "Thanks." "Thanks very much." "That's it, Farfel." "Party's over." "Start packing up your little squeeze toys, buddy boy." "You're checking out." "It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this was the first time we went one-on-one." "One-on-one's a whole different game." "Can't pass off." "The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you." "Hello." "Boy George, about time." "Beautiful." "How soon?" "Okay, here's the plan:" "We take the dog to the pound, we go right to the movies." "Right." "You, me and Elaine." "Yes, all three of us." "I am going." "Okay, see you in five minutes." " What?" " Do you have to?" "What am I supposed to do?" "I don't want to do it." "I like dogs." "I'm not sure this is a dog." "You know the guy might have just lost your number." "I'm in the book, and I have a machine." "Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound?" "They keep them there for a week." "If nobody claims them, they kill them." "Really?" "How late are they open?" " What?" " What is it?" "I went back with Ellen." " That's great." " Great." " Terrific." " Yeah." "I really think you guys are good together." "Yes." "She understands you, and she is not demanding." "Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?" " We're just trying to be supportive." " Yes." " We knew you were upset..." " From now on when we pass each other, I don't know you, you don't know me." "Oh, Kramer." "We didn't mean it." " What are you doing?" " I'm getting my pot." " Kramer, we like her." " Kramer..." "What did we say that was so bad?" "I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit." "I said, " How come no one's killed her?"" " Well." " Well." "Probably shouldn't have said anything." "I mean, everybody knows the first breakup never takes." " Yeah?" " Prognosis Negative." "Great." "Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on." "Jerry, can't you just give it one more day?" " It's not his fault." " It's not my dog." "I don't know where this booze hound is." "All right, I tell you what." "How about if you and George go to the movies and I stay here and watch the dog?" "I can't let you do that." "What about Prognosis Negative?" "We'll see it Sunday." "Tonight's the night, right?" "Prognosis Negative." "I'm not going." "I'm gonna watch the dog." " What does this mean?" " Well we'll go see something else tonight." "We'll see Ponce de Leon." "What is with this dog?" "I thought we were taking it to the pound." "She talked me into one more day." "Talk." "I'm going to the bathroom." "Jerry, how long are you gonna be in there?" "I don't know, regular human time." "Why don't you wait and go at the movies?" " Why shouldn't I go here?" " Well, you know." "Sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get seats and then go to the bathroom." " And isn't it more fun using the urinal?" " Yeah." "Oh, yeah, George." "Urinals are fun." " Can I go?" " Hey, go." " Who's stopping you?" " What, are you doing me a favour?" "Like we care if you go to the bathroom." " How's it going?" " Good." " You?" " Things are good." " Boy, he takes such a long time." " I know." "You know what he does in there?" "He gargles." "Jerry gargles?" "That why he takes so long?" "Yeah, he does it like six times a day." " How come we never hear him?" " Because he does it quiet." "He does it quiet." "Lookit..." "Just like this." "Watch." "Wait, wait." "Did you ever see him throw up?" "We talked about that already." "I have nothing to say to anybody anymore." "I'm so uninteresting." "I'm think I'm out of conversation." "So why do you call me six times a day?" "All I know about is sports." "That's it." "No matter how depressed, I can always read sports." "I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire." "You know what, Ponce de Leon is sold out." "It is." "Oh, yeah, you're right." "What else is playing?" "Nothing except Prognosis Negative." "Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me." "Give me that jacket, mud face." "This is not Seinfeld you're dealing with." "When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound." "Shut up." "Shut up!" "Hello?" "No." "Who's calling?" "Oh, my God." "The dog guy." "Well, where have you been?" "Yeah?" "Well, you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg." "I could understand if there was something else playing but it's this or nothing." " I don't know what to do." " What is this saving movies thing?" " Something's playing, you go." " I know." "I know." "So we're gonna do nothing now?" " This is crazy." " It is kind of silly." " Of course it is." " I mean, it's just a movie..." " Exactly." " It's not like she's in the movie." "Right." "We're supposed to ruin the night because she wants to see it?" "If I could have seen it with her, fine." "But I can't control these circumstances and schedules and people's availabilities." " She'll still see it." " You're not stopping her..." " How does sitting next to a person in a movie theatre increase the enjoyment?" "You can't talk during a movie." "This is stupid." "Come on." " Let's just go." " Good." " Saving movies." " Ridiculous." "Two for Prognosis Negative." " I'm in big trouble." " Oh, you're dead." "Bell's Palsy." "The entire side of..." "Of my face was paralysed." "Farfel." "You know, I couldn't..." "I couldn't..." "I couldn't even feed myself." "I was completely incapacitated." "Quiet, Farfel!" " Farfel." " It's interesting because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday." "Yes, that's true but then, see, I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Centre." "In..." "In Rockville." "Absolutely first..." "First-rate facility." "Top..." "Top-notch physicians." "Hey, come on." "Come on." "Get off me." "He won't hurt you." "He's just playing." "Now you keep that mutt away from me." "Mutt?" "I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours." "Kramer, are you coming?" " Oh, hi, Ellen." " Get in here." "Listen, it's been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week but if you don't mind..." "Prediction:" "You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out." "Prediction:" "I never see you or him again for the rest of my life." "We made plans." "Why don't we just rent a movie?" "I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative." "No." "It's supposed to be really bad." "Really bad." "I mean, it's long." "There's no story." "It's so unbelievably boring..." "I heard." "I..." "Jerry, you promised me we'd go." "Well, George told me the whole story, line for line." "I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it." "Wait." "George saw the movie?" "I saw him yesterday." "He didn't mention it." "You and George got together?" "Yeah." "I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about." "Hello." "Hi, hi, hi." "What's up?" "Well, you were right." " About what?" " Ellen." "We broke up again." "Too bad." "I thought she was the one." "I'll bring back the pot." "Okay, come on." "It's movie time." " Hey, what are you gonna see?" " Prognosis Negative." " That's supposed to be great." " It's not." " Well, how do you know?" " I have an instinct for these things." "I had a parakeet when I was a kid." "That was the only pet I really enjoyed." "We used to let him out of his cage and he would fly around." "And my mother had built..." "One entire wall of our living room was mirrored she felt this gives you a feeling of space." "Have you ever heard this interior-design principle?" "The mirror makes it seem like you have another room." "Who walks up to a mirror and goes:" ""Hey, look." "There's a whole other room in there." "There's a guy in there, looks just like me"?" "But the parakeet will fall for this." "You let him out." "He flies around." "Bang!" "With his little head." "He would just go:" "I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room why doesn't he at least try and avoid hitting the other parakeet?" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life?" "He's always talking about dates and women that he knows and bringing them back to the suitcase at night." "There's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere, you know." "He says kinky things, because he's made out of wood and he can spin his head around." "We're somehow expected to believe because the face is so animated they think we're not noticing the feet are just swinging there." "Dummy feet never look really right, do they?" "They're just kind of dangling there." "Always kind of askew, you know." "You always see a little ankle." "Those little thin, fabric ankles that they have, you know." "You think, "I don't think this thing is real."" "Are you kidding me?" "Let me speak with the head librarian." "It's absurd." "An overdue book from 1971?" "This is a joke, right?" "What are you, from a radio station?" "Okay, you got me." "I fell for it." "All right." "Okay." "I can be down there in, like, a half-hour." "Bye." " What's the problem?" " This, you're not gonna believe." "The New York Public Library says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it." "Do you know how much that comes to?" "That's a nickel a day for 20 years." " It's gonna be $50,000." " It doesn't work like that." "If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000." "It's not gonna be anything." "I returned the book." "I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker." "She wore this orange dress." "It's the first time I saw her in a dress like that." "I'd known her since ninth grade." "She was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for, like, two years." "And then one day this orange dress." " It's burned in my memory." " Oh, memory burn, huh?" " I wonder whatever happened to her." " How did they find you?" "Oh, computers." "They're cracking down now on overdue books." "The whole thing's completely ridiculous." "It's George." "Wait till he finds out we're going to the library." "He'll be thrilled." " You know, I never got a library card." " I'm coming down." "It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway." "People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter." "Look, I gotta go to the library." "You wanna go?" "Yeah, yeah." "Let's go." "The Dewey Decimal System." "What a scam that was." "Boy, this Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal." "Where's George?" "Look." "Trying to save a quarter." "I kind of like those sticks." "I'd like to get them in my house." "This woman's completely ignoring me." "Look at her." "This is a lonely woman looking for companionship." "A spinster." "Maybe a virgin." "Maybe she got hurt a long time ago." "She's a schoolgirl there was a boy." "It didn't work out." "So now she needs a little tenderness." "She needs a little understanding." "Needs a little Kramer, huh?" "Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin." " Yes?" " Yeah, I called before." "I got this notice in the mail." "Tropic of Cancer." "Henry Miller." "This case has been turned over to our investigations officer, Mr. Bookman." "Bookman?" "The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?" " Come on." " It's true." "That's amazing." "That's like an ice-cream man named Cone." "Well, Lieutenant Bookman's been working here 25 years so he's heard all the jokes." " Can I speak with this Bookman?" " Just a second." "Jerry." "What?" "I think I saw him." " I think it's him." " Who?" "Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obscenities and doing callisthenics?" " Yeah." " I think that's Mr. Heyman." "The gym teacher from our high school." " Heyman?" "Are you sure?" " He's older..." "George got him fired." "He squealed on him." " Oh, tattletale." " I didn't tattle." "Well, what did this guy do?" "What happened?" "There was an incident." "I'd rather not discuss it." " Oh, come on." "You can tell me." " Some other time." "What, tonight?" " I never figured you for a squealer." " He sang like a canary." " Mr. Bookman's not here." " Not here?" " Why was I told to come down here?" " He'll be out all afternoon on a case." "He's out on a case?" "He actually goes out on cases?" "What am I supposed to do now?" "I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you." "All right." "Thanks." " Come on, let's go." " Let's go see if it's Heyman." " It's not him." " Hey, I'll see you boys later, huh?" "So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?" " Where's Karen?" " She went to pick up lunch." "Well she didn't ask me what I wanted." "She must've forgot." "How could she forget?" "I've been ordering lunch every day for three and a half years." "Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting, like, a really weird vibe." "Is Lippman getting rid of me?" "You can tell me." " I won't say anything." " I don't know anything." "You don't know." "You see, "I don't know anything" means there's something to know." "If you really didn't, you'd say:" ""You're crazy."" " Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman." " Elaine." "I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that biography of Columbus I gave you." "Yes, I did." "Yes, I did." " Marie, this water is still too cold." " Oh, yeah." "It's freezing." "Hurts your teeth." "I'm telling you, something is going on." "He never likes anything I recommend, and then that lunch thing." "So they forgot to get your lunch." "Big deal." "What do you know?" "You've never worked in an office." "See, you've worked in an office, George." "You understand." "Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch." "I don't understand lunch." "I don't know anything about it." "Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it?" " What did he do?" " He purposely mispronounced my name." "Instead of saying Costanza he'd say, " Can't stand you." "Can't stand you."" "Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once?" "I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class." " And the straps were hanging down..." " Okay, okay." "You never even had him for gym." "I had him for hygiene." "Remember his teeth?" "It was like from an exhumed corpse." "Little baked beans." "Come on, tell me what happened." "Well, okay." "As I said, the guy had it in for me." "He actually failed me in gym." "Me." "And those spastic Schnitzer twins." " Can't stand you!" " Yes, Mr. Heyman?" "Your underwear was sticking out of your shorts during gym class." "Well, that's because I wear boxer shorts." "Boxer shorts, huh?" " What brand?" " I'm not really sure. I..." "Yeah, well, let's take a look!" "He gave me a wedgie." "And he got fired the next day." "Why do they call it a "wedgie"?" "Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until it wedges in." "They also have an atomic wedgie." "Now, the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head." "It's very rare." " Boys are sick." " Well, what do girls do?" "We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder." "I gotta go back to the library and talk to him." "I gotta find out if I'm the guy that ruined his life." "Hey, babaloo, you better get home." "This guy Bookman from the library, he's waiting for you." "What's amazing about the library is here's a place where you can go in take out any book you want." "They just give it to you and say, " Bring it back when you're done."" "Reminds you of that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend." "That's what the library is." "It's a government-funded pathetic friend." "That's why everybody bullies the library." ""I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late." "What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel?"" "I'm glad you're here so we can straighten this out." " Cup of tea?" " Got any coffee?" " Coffee?" " Yeah, coffee." " No, I don't drink coffee." " You don't?" " How about instant coffee?" " No, I don't..." " No instant coffee?" " Well, I don't..." " Who doesn't have instant coffee?" " I don't." "Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it." "When you need it, it's there." "It lasts forever." "It's freeze-dried." "Freeze-dried crystals." "Really?" "I'll have to remember that." " You took this book out in 1971." " Yes, and I returned it in 1971." "Yeah, '71, that was my first year on the job." "Bad year for libraries." "Bad year for America." "Hippies burning library cards." "Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books." "I don't judge a man by hair length or musical taste." "Rock was never my bag." "But you put on a pair of shoes in the New York Public Library, fella." "Look, Mr. Bookman I returned that book." "I remember it very specifically." "You're a comedian." "You make people laugh." " I try." " You think this is all a big joke?" "No, I don't." "I saw you on TV once." "I remembered your name from my list." "I looked it up." "Sure enough, it checked out." "You think because you're a celebrity, somehow the law doesn't apply?" " You're above the law?" " Certainly not." "Well, let me tell you something, funny boy." "You know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"?" "That may not mean anything to you." "But that means a lot to me." "One whole hell of a lot." "Sure, go ahead." "Laugh if you want to." "I've seen your type before." "Flashy, making a scene, flaunting convention." "Yeah, I know what you're thinking:" ""Why's this guy making such a stink about old library books?"" "Well, let me give you a hint, junior." "Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me." "Maybe." "Sure, we're too old to change the world." "But what about that kid sitting down opening a book right now in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers?" "Doesn't he deserve better?" "Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books you better think again." "This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped." "Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld." "Maybe that's how you get your kicks, you and your good-time buddies." "Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy:" "Party time is over." "You got seven days, Seinfeld." "That is one week." " What's wrong?" " It's Bookman, the library cop." " So?" "I didn't do anything wrong." " I'm supposed to be at work." "I could get fired." "I never should've come here." "Why don't you leave?" "I can't." "There's no way I'm paying that!" "I returned that book in 1971!" "I have a witness." "Sherry Becker." "She wore an orange dress." "She gave me a piece of Black Jack gum." "I said, " Liquorice gum." "What will they think of next?"" "I remember it!" "Becker, Becker..." "Kevin went to a public school." "He's the 14 year old." "We were gonna send Marsha to a private school because in some ways, they don't learn enough, I think." "So, Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?" "I remember it like it was yesterday." "It was a Friday afternoon." " I wore a purple dress." " Purple?" " You sure it wasn't orange?" " Positive." "And I was chewing Dentyne." "I always chewed Dentyne." "Remember, Jerry?" "Dentyne?" " No Black Jack?" " Liquorice gum?" "Never." "What else?" "We were reading passages to each other from that Henry Miller book you had." " Tropic of Cancer." " No." "Tropic of Capricorn." " Tropic of Capricorn?" " Remember?" ""What holds the world together as I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse."" "Wait a second, wait a second." "You're right." "I had both of them." "We read from Tropic of Capricorn." "I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer." "And then..." " George, here's the book." " Oh, man." "Don't let anybody see it." "Don't let anything happen to it." "Jerry, it's me, George." "Don't worry." "I'll return it tomorrow." "All right." "I'll see you after school." "I'm late for Heyman's hygiene." " Where are you going?" " It was nice seeing you again." "I just remembered something." "I've gotta go." "It was George!" "Read another poem." "Pressed chest Fleshed out west" "Might be the saviour" "Or a garden pest" "That is great poetry." "You should be published." "It's great." "Well, the library's kind of a cool place when it's closed." "Oh, yeah." "You don't have to be quiet." "Listen to the echo." " Hello!" " Hello!" " Hello!" " Hello!" " Hello!" " Hello." "Mr. Bookman." "I remember when the librarian was a much older woman." "Kindly, discreet, unattractive." "We didn't know anything about her private life." "We didn't wanna know about her private life." "She didn't have a private life." "When you think about that, think about this:" "The library closes at 5:00, no exceptions." "This is your final warning." "Got that, kewpie doll?" "Lippman wants to see me in his office." " See me." "That can't be good." " Maybe you're getting a raise." "Maybe I'm getting a wedgie." " What?" " It's George." " George is on his way up." " Wait till I tell him about the book." "Are you okay?" " What?" " It's..." "It's Marion's poetry." " I can't take it!" " Oh, Kramer." "Remember that biography I recommended?" " My boss hated it!" " I'm right here." "Oh, sorry." " Remember that Columbus book?" " Columbus." "Eurotrash." "Well, it's definitely him." " Him?" "Him who?" " Him who?" "Heyman him." "Heyman, the gym teacher?" " You found him?" " Oh, I found him." "He was sitting on the steps of the library." "I sat down next to him." "He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus." "That was double overtime." "I said, " Mr. Heyman it's me, George Costanza." "JFK, '71."" "He doesn't move." "So I said:" ""Can't stand you." "Can't stand you."" "He turns and smiles." "The little baked-bean teeth." "I get up to run away but something was holding me back." "It was Heyman." "He had my underwear." "Here I was on the steps of the 42nd Street library a grown man getting a wedgie." "At least it wasn't atomic." "It was." "So, Georgie boy, guess what happened to Tropic of Cancer." " How should I know?" " Because I gave it to you." " Me?" " Yeah, think." "Don't you remember?" "You kept begging me to see it." "Then finally, I agreed." "You were supposed to return it." "I met you in the gym locker room and gave it to you." "The locker room." " George, here's the book." " Oh, man." "Don't let anybody see it." "Don't let anything happen to it." "It's me, George." "Don't worry." "I'll return it tomorrow." "All right." "I'll see you after school." "I'm late for Heyman's hygiene." " Can't stand you!" " Yes, Mr. Heyman?" "Your underwear was sticking out of your shorts during gym class." " That's because I wear boxer shorts." " Boxer shorts, huh?" " What brand?" " I'm not really sure." "Yeah, well, let's take a look!" "Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings." "Hard feelings?" "What do you know about hard feelings?" "Ever have a man die in your arms?" "Ever kill somebody?" " What is your problem?" " What's my problem?" "Punks like you." "That's my problem." "You better not screw up again, Seinfeld." "Because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle." "That is one tough monkey." " So you were saying?" " So I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems the ones that affected Kramer so much." " Oh, beautiful." "Did he like them?" " No, he didn't." "No, he didn't." " Was he out there?" " No, he's gone." " I wonder what happened to him." " I guess we'll never know." "Can't stand you." "Can't stand you." "Can't stand you." "Can't stand you." "Any day that you had gym was a weird school day." "You know what I mean?" "It started off kind of normal." "You have, like, English, geometry, social studies and then suddenly, you're, like, in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes." "You're hanging from a rope." "You have hardly any clothes on." "Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?" You know." "Kids are throwing dodge balls at you." "You're trying to survive." "Then it's history science, language." "There's something off in the whole flow of that day." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life." "I don't know where they get their bathing suits." "But my father has bathing suits from other centuries." "My parents live in Florida." "And if you go down there and you forget your bathing suit then they want you to wear one of theirs." "You know how that gets?" ""You need trunks, son?" "I got trunks for you." "You can wear my trunks."" "Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks." "It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming." "So I get in the water in this thing, and it's, like, floating around me somewhere." "You ever put on a bathing suit that you don't know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit?" "You bump into somebody, "No, I'm parasailing." "I'm waiting for the boat to come back."" "It was supposed to be here at 7:30." " Call the airlines again." " What happened to the Scotch tape?" "Who takes the Scotch tape?" "Nobody returns anything around here." "Oh, I think that's them." "Know what I'll do next time?" "I'll hide it so nobody can find it." " Hi!" "Welcome!" " Hi!" " Welcome." " How are you?" " Welcome to Florida!" " Hi, Mr. Seinfeld." "Hey, there's the old man." "So, what took you so long?" "We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place." "I don't know why." "We would have picked you up." " What's the difference?" " You could use our car." "I don't want to use your car." " What's wrong with our car?" " Nothing." "It's fine." " What if you want to use it?" " We don't." " What?" "We use it." " lf you were using it, we wouldn't." "So, what, you'd hitch?" " How much is a rent-a-car?" " I don't know, 25 bucks a day." " What?" "Oh, you're crazy." " Plus the insurance." "Oh, I didn't get the insurance." "How could you not get the insurance?" "We'll pay for the car." " You're not paying for it." " Morty." "God, it's so hot in here." "Why don't you put on the air conditioning?" "You don't need the air conditioner." "Do you have your speech all ready?" "Do I have to make a speech?" "Of course." "They're giving a testimonial for your father." " You could do your comic routines." " Oh, yeah." "That'll go over real well with that crowd." "You have a lake." " The lake isn't real." " The lake is real." "Are you kidding?" "They built the lake." "But it's real, it's water." " Where are you going with those?" " I'll put Elaine's stuff in here." "Don't sleep in there." "Sleep in the bedroom." "I can't take your bedroom." " I'm up at 6:00 in the morning." " I can't kick you out of your bed." "We don't even sleep." " Ma." " It's a sofa bed." " You'll be uncomfortable." " What about you?" "Why should I be comfortable?" " What about him?" " Don't worry." "He's comfortable." "I'll sleep standing up." "I'll be fine." " Will you stop?" " Yeah, I'll just stay in here." "Jerry." "Jerry, you don't have to stay on the couch on my account." " You two can stay in there together." " That's not a good idea." " I thought that you..." " Not now." "She's right inside." "What happened?" "I don't know." "We decided we don't really work as a couple." " What does that mean?" " Well..." "Why are you whispering?" " Nothing, nothing." " Elaine." " What about her?" " Would you please be...?" "You know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes." "Where were they five years ago?" "It just goes to show you, you never know what..." "What, you know, could happen to a vegetable." "It could just take right off at any time." "We've tried all kinds of arrangements but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together." "Why do you need more friends?" "You've got plenty of friends." " He's an idealist." " What are you looking for?" " I'm looking." "I like looking." " He likes looking." " So look." " But how long can you look?" "I'm going for the record." "Your father wouldn't say so, but he's really glad you came." " Oh, come on." " This is a big thing for him." "Outgoing president of the condo association." "So they arrived safely." " Remember Jack and Doris?" " Nice to see you." " This is Elaine." " Hi." " Nice to meet you." "Hello." " Hello." " Pleased to meet you." " Hey, Jerry you came all the way down here for this?" "And scuba diving." "Scuba diving?" "Who's going scuba diving?" "We're going." "We'll be back in time." "What do you have to go scuba diving for?" " For fun." " For fun?" "Jack, have some sponge cake." "No." "Thanks, no." "Jack is emceeing tomorrow." " He's in charge of the whole thing." " So, Jerry, your mother tells me you're gonna do one of your little comedy skits tomorrow." " I don't think so." " No?" "Listen, Morty, you want to settle up for last night?" "All right." "I owe you $19.45." "What did you have?" "You had the minute steak." " Yeah." " Did you have a Coke or what?" "I did not have a Coke." "Somebody had a Coke." " I had a Coke." " Oh, and I had the scampi." "So, that's $17.10, and the tax and the tip." "All right, make it 20 bucks." "It's $19.45, Morty." "$19.45?" "See, you know your father." "You got to get it right to the penny." "But that's why he was such a good president." "Hey, what kind of pen is that?" " This pen?" " Yeah." "Oh, this is an astronaut pen." "It writes upside down." "They use this in space." "Oh, that's the astronaut pen." "I heard about that." "Where did you get it?" " It was a gift." " Because a lot of times I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work." " Take the pen." " Oh, no." " Go ahead." " I couldn't." " Take it." " I can't take it." " Do me a personal favour." " No, I'm not comfortable." " I cannot take it." " Take the pen." " Are you sure?" " I'm positive." "Take the pen." "Okay, thank you very much." "Thank you." "Gee, boy." " Jack, what are you doing?" " Stop it." "Jack, we should go." "It was nice meeting you." " Nice to meet you." " Thanks again." "Come on!" "She's adorable." "What did you take his pen for?" " He gave it to me." " But you didn't have to take it." "She's gotta make a big deal out of everything." " He offered it to me." " Because you made such a big fuss." "Well, I liked it." "Should I have said I didn't like it?" "You shouldn't have said anything." "What did you expect?" "He could have said, "Thank you," and put it back in his pocket." " He loves that pen." " Come on." "He talks about it all the time." "He goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how astronauts use it." "He never should have offered it." " He didn't think you'd accept." " Well, he was wrong." "I know his wife." "She has some mouth on her." "She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen." "They're talking about it right now." " So you want me to return it?" " Yes." "He's not gonna return that pen." "That's ridiculous." "I don't even want the pen now." "Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money, believe me." "He gives me a check for $19.45." "He didn't have a Coke." "Here, let me see it." " Hey, it writes upside down." " Yeah." "Come in." "You okay in here?" "Why is it so hot in here?" "How can they sleep like this?" "It's only for three days." "Today's over." "Then we have tomorrow." "We leave on Sunday." "It's one day, really." "What is with this bar?" "It's right in my back." "It's killing me." "You wanna switch?" "I'm on a love seat." "I got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule." "I am never gonna fall asleep." "Oh, no, don't say that." "You'll jinx me." "How can they not put the air conditioning on?" "They're nuts with temperature." "This bar is right in my back." "It's making a dent." "How about that guy writing a check for $19.45?" "I'm sweating here." "I'm in bed, sweating." "It's one day." "Half a day, really." "I mean, you subtract showers and meals, it's like 20 minutes." "It'll go by like that." "Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard." "Then you make a left turn." "Put your blinker on immediately, there's an abutment there." "Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne." "Don't get off Biscayne, you understand me?" "Stay on Biscayne." "You're going underwater?" "Yes, generally, that's where scuba diving is done." "What do you have to go for?" "What's down there that's so special?" "What's so special up here?" "What's the matter?" " My back." " What happened?" "That..." "That bed." "The bar was right in my back." "I told you to let us sleep in there." "Then you would be hunched over." "I don't even know if I can go scuba diving." " You can't go?" " So stay home." " You can go." " Without you?" "That's the reason you came down." " Don't go." " You sure?" "Maybe you should see a doctor." " We'll stay in a hotel tonight." " No, we'll stay in there." "Why don't you get a new sofa?" "Nobody uses it." "I'm buying you a new sofa." "Jerry, don't talk crazy." "Mrs. Seinfeld, please I am begging you:" "Put the air conditioner on." "You're hot?" "I've lost six pounds." "I don't even know how to work it." "I keep telling her it's like an oven in here." "Is everybody up?" "Hi, how are you?" "Hello, Jerry." "Evelyn, this is Elaine." "Hi, Evelyn." "Jerry, you got thin." " Too thin?" " Oh, stop worrying so much about how you look." "So where's the new pen?" " What?" " The pen." "The one Jack Klompus gave you." " How did you know that?" " Blanche told me." " Blanche?" " That's some good pen." " Writes upside down." " Yeah." " The astronauts use them." " What did Blanche say?" "I don't know, she said Jerry wanted the pen." "I never really wanted the pen." " He gave him the pen." " Morty." " Why?" "You don't like the pen?" " No, no, I..." "Because if you don't, give it back to him." " Is that what she said?" " Who?" " Blanche." " What are you talking about?" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Gussy." "What?" "Jerry wouldn't do that." "Jack gave it to him." "All he said was he liked it." "I mean, nobody put a gun to his head." "You're giving him back that pen." "Somebody, please." "The air conditioner." "Oh, my God, I forgot all about it." "All I said was, "I like the pen."" "How the hell do you work this thing?" "Maybe you shouldn't go tonight." "Oh, no, no, I wanna go." "But your back hurts." "Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help." "Oh, okay." "You can turn down the air conditioning if you want." "No, I'm fine." " You're not too cold?" " No." " Don't be alarmed." " Oh, my God." " What the hell happened to you?" " I'm okay." " My capillaries burst." " Your capillaries?" " Do you know what you look like?" " How you doing?" "Having a good time." "Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?" "What happened to your eyes?" " Well, I started to go under..." " With the instructor?" "Yeah, I got about 10 feet down and felt this tremendous pressure on my mask like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets." "I told you." "Excuse me." "Doris would like to borrow your red pocketbook to go with her shoes." "The shoes have to match the pocketbook." "What's she doing, yoga?" " My back hurts." " Morty, better hurry up." " Get ready." " We got plenty of time." " What happened?" " I got in a fistfight with one of the ladies at the pool." "It's from scuba diving." "What's there to see underwater?" "Listen, Mr. Klompus it was a nice gesture to give me the pen, but I don't really need it." " You what?" " It's a terrific pen but I think you should keep it." " Well, I mean..." " Take it." "All right." "You know, Jack, you got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen." " Whose pen?" " His pen." "This happens to be my pen." " You didn't give it to him?" " What are you talking about?" "He practically begged me for it." "Where do you come off with this crap?" "Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me?" "You offered me sponge cake yesterday." " Did I take it?" " You didn't want it." "Of course I wanted it!" "I love sponge cake." "Who said you couldn't have it?" "I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?" "Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the Scotch tape." "So you got the Scotch tape." " I've been looking all over for it." " I'll give it back." " I don't want it." " I don't want it!" "You know, Jack, do me a favour, will you?" "Take the pen and the Scotch tape and get the hell out of here." "Listen, do you think I give a damn?" "Nerve of that guy, taking back that pen." "Well, that's it for them." "What is going on in this community?" "Are you people aware of what's happening?" "What is driving you to this behaviour?" "Is it the humidity?" "Is it the Muzak?" "Is it the white shoes?" "I have no use for either one of them." "I don't want them there tonight." "Isn't he supposed to emcee?" "Yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee." "Well, this should be a very interesting evening." "What about those muscle relaxers?" "Say "astronaut."" "Say what?" "Say what?" "You took too many of those pills." " Astronaut?" " Say it." " Astronaut!" " Astro..." "Good." "Okay." "Last year, I took him to the hospital every day." "Did he ever say thank you?" "Oh, God." "Uncle Leo." "Hello!" " Morty, are you nervous?" " What nervous?" "What's with the sunglasses?" "Who are you, Van Johnson?" "I got a black eye." "Hello." "Oh, Elaine this is my Aunt Stella." "Stella!" "Stella!" "Her back hurts." "We saw you on The Tonight Show last week." "I thought Johnny was very rude to you." " He didn't even let you talk." " No, no." "You need some new material." "I've heard you do that dog routine three times already." "Stella!" "Stella!" "You should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you." "What?" "Jeffrey works for the Parks Department." "You should read the letters he's written." "He's funnier than the whole bunch of you." "Oh, here's Jack." "We should sit down." "This better be good." "I'm missing Golden Girls for this." "I hate her like poison." "Hey, Jack, let's get started." "Ladies and gentlemen, as you know every year, phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables honours the previous year's president." "And this year, we are honouring Morty Seinfeld." "Morty!" "A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan." "Slept on the job?" "Being president of the condo is not easy." "It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment." "And unfortunately, he possesses none of these qualities." "I wonder what he ever did." "He's joking." "His administration did excel in one department:" "The hiring of incompetents." "That's what you say." "But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk it put Mrs. Ziven out of commission for a few weeks." "Tell them about when you took my son's pen back." "Tell them about that." "Dad." "He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back." " Tell them that!" " I took it back?" " He gave it to me!" " That's enough." "Sit down." " I'm not finished!" " Give me that microphone." "Give it!" " Morty, give me that." " Give him the pen." "You broke my dental plate." "Doris!" "He broke my dental plate." "You son of a bitch." "I'll sue you." "Jerry, do your act." "I can't." "Nobody's even listening." "Well, they're all gonna leave." " I got witnesses here." " Even your wife is on my side." "How you folks doing tonight?" "Hey, have you ever noticed how they give you the peanuts on the planes?" " Not my Harry!" "He flies first class!" " Who thought the thing everybody wants on a plane is a peanut?" " I'd rather have a bottle of Scotch!" " Do the dog routine." "All I said was, "I like the pen!"" "Stella!" "You could aggravate it." "I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days." "Five days?" "You want me to stay here for five more days?" "There must be some mistake." "I'm afraid not." "Five days." "Here." "So we have you for five more days." "There's no point in me staying." "You're just gonna be..." "Excuse me?" "Nothing." " Good morning." " Hi, Evelyn." "Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet?" " I don't think so." " Because my nephew Larry could do it." "He's a brilliant lawyer." "He says Jack has no case." "I'll ask him when he gets up." "Oh, and I spoke to Arnold and he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behaviour." "Not five." "Dr. Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to." "Oh, my back." "Oh, my back." "That bar." "Who the hell could sleep on that thing?" " I was very comfortable." " Morty Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out." "It's in the constitution." " Who are you?" " I'm a chiropractor." "What, are you kidding me?" "Five more days?" "Well, today's almost over, and weekdays always go by fast." "And Friday, we're leaving, so it's like two days, really." "It's like a cup of coffee." "It'll go by like that." "Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people?" "They love heat." "If they ever decide to land men on the sun I think these old retired guys will be the only ones that will be able to handle it." "They'll sit there on the redwood benches, washcloth on their head, going:" ""I'm trying to get a sweat going."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"