"'Which French chemist refuted the phlogiston theory of combustion by identifying and naming oxygen?" "'" " Dick Francis." " I hate the science ones." "Why can't they do stuff on art?" " Hi." " Hi." "Dick Francis." "Oh, Fredo, I don't think so." "Go on, pal, you know, go on." "Ew!" " Rabbit?" " Yes." "Rabbit." "Yeah, sorry, one detonated in reception." "I thought I'd got rid of it." " It's still there, isn't it?" " Mm-hmm." "Sorry." "Anyway, why are you here?" "Justine has sold her television." "Why is that?" " To save up for a new DVD player." " And I've come to get this." " Dick Francis." " Hang on, that was my birthday present!" "Yes, four years ago." "You've never read it, so I'm taking it back." " Of course I've read it!" " Ok, name a poem in it." "There's one about autumn." "And time." " Nope." " An ode." "Pathetic." "They're beautiful and romantic." "You should have read them." "'Who was appointed Secretary of State under Richard Nixon in 1973, holding the post concurrently with that of National Security Advisor?" "'" " Dick Francis." " Why do you always say Dick Francis?" "It's not like he is ever going to be the answer, is he?" "Could be." "It's just a case of waiting long enough." "I reckon if I keep on saying it, then one day it'll be right." "Isn't that Jeremy Clarkson's mantra?" "Right, come on, we're late." "I've just got in." "Five minutes." "I'll shall be out in the car, pruning my Magic Tree." "Oh." "Someobody rang for you." "An ex of yours." "Sounded... angry." "Well, to be honest, that could be any of them." "Ok, well, process of elimination." " Was there a steam-press in the background?" " No." "Not Clare then, she doesn't get out for I think another two years." "Dick Francis." "Donna, performance artist." "Just sat around in her pants juggling oranges." "Never paid a bill." " No, not her." " Right, er..." "Who was the one who sounded like an owl when she had sex?" "Er, I've got no idea." "Look, come on, focus." "Who was it?" "Oh, I don't know." "She sounded French." "French?" "Oh, God, that's Sabine." "Yes!" "That's the one!" "She's in town... and the person she was staying with has stood her up." "So I invited her round." "Oh, God." "Not Sabine." "Not here." "Tell her I'm out." " I can hear you!" " Tell her I have left the country." "Allez, merde!" "Open this door!" "Maintenant!" " Hi." " Justine, bonjour." "Je t'aime, my pale little English." "Sara." "Sabine." "I see that time has not been kind with you." "I will not embrace you in the French way because I know you cannot cope with, how you say, intimité." "Intimacy." "Pfff, no matter." "You cannot cope with it in any language, because you are cold, frigide, refoulée, une lâche qui a peur d'expérimenter la vie." "Effrayée par l'inconnu, par tout ce qui bouge," " tout ce qui est vivant et passionnée..." " Anglais!" "En anglais!" "Ok." "But it's just so beautiful." "We have plenty of time to discuss our differences." "For now, you can make for me one of those brown drinks you English like." "What do you mean, plenty of time?" "Did Justine not tell you?" "I am come to stay." "Oh, oh, no, you're not." "No, you're not coming to stay." "No." "Or what?" "You will move to Canada again?" "!" "Faut pas te moquer de moi, chérie..." " Parle anglais!" "Parle anglais!" " Je ne suis pas complètement débile!" " En anglais!" "Sabine." " Incroyable!" "Salope!" "Justine." "Get rid of her." "Get rid of her, ok." "Justine, I want it gone by the time I get back..." "Putain!" "Ok, let's recap." "Now, in four weeks' time, your parents are going to come to your house and this is the chaos of you coming out to them." "You don't think the whole penis parents analogy is psychologically counterproductive?" "Oh, fair enough, yes." "Let's use the uni instead." "Now..." "Oh, that's made a hell of a mess." "I hope it doesn't go as badly as that." "Is there really a University of Kyrgyzstan?" "So, Sara, what do you need?" "Umm... help?" "Surely Shangri-La College is made up?" "I bloody hope not." "I paid 25 quid for that degree." "Right, let's get started." "A little bit of drum therapy." " Oh, no." "Sorry, I don't speak bongo." " Oh, come on." "Where did you get this from, Narnia Polytechnic?" "Don't joke about it I have just seen the certificate." "Why am I going to take a drum to my parents' house?" ""Mum, Dad, there is something you need to know." "I have joined the cast of Stomp."" "I've saved a dozen marriages, two civil partnerships and a loose polyamorous happening with this bongo." "Just think what you want to say to me." "Yes, and then drum it out." "Anything else?" "Excellent." "You see, the feelings are there." "Now you just need to get in touch with them, like Jamie." "What?" "Yes, Jamie's in touch with his feminine side." "He knows which colour palette's in vogue each season, he knows the names of most British wildflowers and cries at natural history documentaries." "Sorry, what do you mean?" "Autumn 2010?" "Oh." "Warm taupe, bias cutting, the return of the palazzo pant." "See?" "A lovely, he's gentle girl-boy-man and not ashamed of it." "So what we need is a trigger to help you vocalise." "Now, what do you do when you want to express love?" "Uh, I'm quite shy." "But I suppose I would cook them something." "Can I just say, I do know loads about cars." "He drives a Nissan Eunuch." "She's joking." "All right, Sara, then what is the speciality of your maison?" "Well, actually, I do make a really good crumble." "Ok, think about that crumble." "Yeah?" "Make it a symbol of your feelings." "Now." "Those feelings are great and you want to share your feelings." "Just as you are going to share your brilliant crumble." "Are you talking about the really sour crumble you do, you know, the one with the undercooked apples?" "You are such a..." "Sabine!" "What the hell are you doing here?" "Relax, chérie." "I am just creating a mood." "Yes, so I can see, and that mood is human sacrifice." "I do not expect you to understand." "You know nothing of expression, of sensuality." "Ah, but this isn't sensuality." "This is a fire hazard." "Ah, yes." "You British." "Always with the health and safety." "Bon d'accord." "You dial neuf, neuf, neuf whilst I dance naked in the fires of passion." "Ok." "Do you remember when I pretended I had amnesia?" "Yes." "Do you remember when I faked my own death?" "Well... this is why!" "Because you could never express yourself." "What do you want from me?" "We didn't even have a relationship." " We just argued for two months." " That is our relationship." "What now?" "You can't handle my feelings." "Well, I can handle them." "It's just, do you have to be so Continental about them?" "You abandoned me." "All I had left was George." "And now il est mort." "Who's George?" "He was like a father to me." "That is why I am here." "For his funeral." "I am alone." "All I needed was somewhere for a few days." "Please?" " A few days?" " Oui." "One night." "Ok, one night." "No shouting, no kissing, and no lit fires in the living room." "All right?" "Je t'adore!" "Daniel." "Would you say that I'm repressed?" " Yeah." " Really?" "Yeah." "Absolutely." "You're probably the most repressed person I've ever met in my life." "You're repressed, pent-up, awkward, weird, neurotic and you annoy the hell out of me." "Why?" "Nothing." "Sorry I'm late." "I had a massive plastic surgery consult." "Oh." "Let me guess, eyebrow lift on a pug?" " No." " Botoxing a bulldog?" "No, I was actually vajazzling a vizsla, which was interesting." "She is now very grumpy but extremely ornate." "So, how is he?" "Ok, so not in pain then." "Umm... no." "Could that have been a fit?" "It could have been a fit, yes." "But it's not a fit, is it?" "No." "He's... he's robust." "I think he is just pleased to see me which we can't really prescribe medication for." "Well, no." "Otherwise we'd both be on that medication." "I guess that's it then." "All done." "I guess so, yeah." "Nothing else?" "I..." "I think we have probably done everything." "Antibiotics." "Yes." "Anti-inflammatories, booster jabs, flea treatment, God, we were busy." "Four X-rays, two MRIs, you removed his stitches, the ultrasound scan." "Clipped his toenails, we cleaned his teeth and his balls were glazed." "But I didn't charge you for that." "No-one could accuse you of not being thorough." "Absolutely." "Thanks." "Y... y... you are very welcome." "There... there's a gerbil outside and she gets very stressed about time." "Fine." "We will settle the bill." "Oh, hi." "Just a quick call to say that Tigger is out of the operation now and I should be able to let you know in about an hour or so whether he's dead or not." "I wouldn't hold out too much hope..." "Hi, I think what my trainee is trying to say is" "Tigger is definitely on the road to wellness, albeit taking a slight pit stop in the lay-by of pain." "Ok, thank you." "Daniel, I've told you a million times please don't drop the D-Bomb when there are clients present." "Ok." "Thank you." "Actually, can I ask your advice?" "I've got a friend who's in a bit of a quandary." " Is she blonde?" " No." "Why?" "No, no." "I hate blondes." "If she's blonde, then whatever's happened, she's brought it upon herself." "Well, my very brunette friend, she really likes someone, but she's finding it hard to express her feelings." "Ditch her." "She sounds like a dork." "She is not a dork... my friend." " She just doesn't have any confidence." " Oh, that's easy." "I'll tell you what, a couple of glugs of gamma-hydroxybutyrate for sexy, sexy times." "Man, I'm like..." "An angry chipmunk?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Only for around 90 seconds though." "Then your legs give way." "That reminds me," "I must get the locks changed on that drugs cabinet." "I can do it." "Deep breaths." "That's not helping." "Ok." "Remember your mantra." "Apple crumble." "Apple crumble." "Apple crumble." "Hey, bro." "How are you?" "She's in the stockroom." "I'm not here to see her." "Really?" "I thought you were Satan's little helper." "Well, hombre, you've mistaken the situation." " Really?" " Really." "From this position, I could roundhouse kick you into next week, mate." "Well..." "I could slap... your face..." "Till it hurt." "Nice styling." "So what's happened to you?" "I always thought you were a massive wet towel." "Well, maybe this massive wet towel is now dry." " Finally manned up." " Hell, yeah!" "So what's that then?" "Just on my way to the dump to take some books, thought I'd pop in" " and see if you fancied a pint." " What books?" "Oh." "Erm, complete works of John Donne," "Royal Horticultural Yearbook, Blue Planet." "Is that porn?" "There's a sperm whale in it." "Keep that one, the rest have got to go." "Dude, I'm not even going to recycle them." "It's good you have finally come round." "Us guys have got to stick together, haven't we?" "This is a man's world, we've got to make sure those women are reminded who is boss." "Daniel!" "How many times have I told you to clear out that stockroom?" " Sorry." " Get on with it!" "Oh, God, no." "Et quand elle a un orgasme, elle fait un bruit comme un hibou." "What is an hibou?" "An owl." "Please tell me you didn't just tell her that." "Ah, always with the embarrassment." "The repression." "Why should you be ashamed with me?" "We have shared everything." "Remember the time you had to wear a nappy round the Coliseum?" "What are you doing here?" "J'ai oublié la clef." "How can you oublie it?" "I just gave it to you!" "Should I be here?" "Maybe I lost it because I am devastated." "I am in grief." "Je suis écrasée par la douleur." "En anglais, Sabine!" "En anglais!" "Thank you." "A bientot, chérie." "A bientot, psychopath." "Very sorry about that." "That's my ex." "She's mad." "Totally mad." "But just here for a funeral, staying for a bit and then she is gone." "I see." "Do you have that bill?" "I really should settle up." "Yes, I do." "I was thinking that we should, er, have a drink tonight to celebrate you having the most irritatingly robust dog on the planet." "I'm sorry." "I can't tonight." "Anyway, you seem to be quite busy with mad exes and gerbils." "Come on, Smithy." "'Yo.'" "Hello, I'm outside." "Can you buzz me in?" "'Whatever.'" "What's happened?" "Have you been burgled?" "Just kicking back." "Tidy it up if you want, you lot like that sort of thing." "What d'you mean, "my lot"?" "Have you had a fall?" "More of a revelation." "Why are you playing video games?" "Extreme Bastard Four." "But you hate violence." "Shut up, will you?" "I'm trying to garrotte this postman." "I might have known you would be involved." "What have you done with him?" "What have you done to my Jamie?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "We're just expressing ourselves." "Like men." "How do I mow down that pensioner?" "Press the A button twice." " Ready?" " Yeah." "Was there anything else?" "I will leave you to OAP-geddon." "Hello!" "Hello?" "Fredo." "Fredo!" "Fredo!" "Bonjour, chérie." "Monsieur Chien and myself 'ave been cooking." "A little chicken three ways, a soupcon of jus, a ballotine of quail." "What the hell were you thinking of, coming into my work like that?" "I was seeing a patient!" "A patient?" "I do not think so." "I don't know what you are talking about." "She is nice, that one." "She likes you, but you will blow it with your sad Englishness." "Do you want me to speak with her?" "No!" "Please, no, no." "Don't you see, it is better to share your feelings than to have someone guess at them?" "We have a saying in France." "When the lion loses its larynx, the antelope loses its meaning." "I have no idea what that means." "It's lost in translation?" "Nope, still not got it, sorry." "George, who taught me that, alone, lying in his coffin." "I have to speak the eulogy at his funeral." " I don't know how I will cope." "If only..." " If only what?" "If only I had someone to support me this terrible time." "Someone who could come to the funeral with me." "Sabine!" "What?" "You going to develop another illness in the next few seconds?" "Mumps?" "W-hooping cough?" "Maybe." "Sabine, please, just a few words." "I cannot do it." "I cannot." " Of course you can." " I am too vulnerable to speak." "You're never unable to speak." "I'm sorry." "You will have to do it for me." "What?" "Look at me." "I am an 'usk." "Sabine?" "Just a few words, please." "Please, for your old friend and your old lover." "Yes, we were lovers, we were lovers, lovers." "All right!" "I'll do it." "Just sit down and shut up." "All right, just tell me what he was like." " He was courageous." "Strong." "Brave." " Mm-hmm." "He lived in a small village." "George is not alive." "When he was alive, he... knew some people." "About six or seven people." "And the great thing about these people was there was a good split between male and female." "60% men and 40% women." "Some of these men have facial hair." "Beard and moustache." "Some do not." "What I know about George is... he was a tiger." "He was courageous, strong..." "and lived in a village." "Hi, Eve." "It's Sara." "Listen, I just wanted to say sorry about earlier." "My life is crazy, and I am going to sort that." "Can you just shut up a minute!" "I am bleeding!" "And so are my ears!" "It's a slow process." "Think of it like an apple crumble." "You've got your emotions, which are the fruit, and you've got your crumble, which is kind of crunchier emotions." "And then you put it in the oven, and you heat up the emotions and you share them." "Does that make... ?" "Anyway, would you come for dinner with me?" "I can show you that I have loads of other lab coats, loads of different colours." "Who am I kidding, you probably can't hear me anyway... over le bruit!" "If you want to, just call." "My darling!" "Merci du fond du cœur." "My emotions were too great to handle." "You are better at all this because you are emotionally detachée." "Yeah, we'll call it quits, shall we?" "I'm just going to go now." "Oh." "Why?" "It's just that..." "I said it would be ok for people to come back to ours for some food." "Nothing special, a little truffled frog's leg, une fougasse with olives, duck rillettes." "Non?" "Oui?" "That's right!" "Hey." "Hi." "Didn't you get the message?" "The Miami Vice themed party is off, we're too busy having a wake." "Very funny." "Why don't you go tell it to your coffee morning?" "I've made the puddings, but we are a little short on sandwiches." "Well, get someone else to be your nibbles bitch." "I am a man." "More importantly, I am my own man." "Isn't that right, Danny?" "Yep." "So you need to start respecting me." "I am not going to clean your clothes, wash your dishes or chauffeur you around." "Will you still alphabetise my books?" " Yes, I'd still like to do that..." " Hey, careful." "But I can't." "This is a new era." "And this era doesn't have a womb." "It's going to be quite a short-lived era, isn't it?" "Think about it." "Right." "A wake is a great place to pick up depressed tush." "So, phase two, lessons in love." "Women love to be told that they're going to have sex with you." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Watch this." "All right." "You're Sabine, right?" "That means you are French, yeah?" "J'aime les Français." "Really?" "You speak a little?" "You know, only what I need." "Now, voulez-vous coucher avec..." "What's your problem?" "Thought you Mediterraneans liked a bit of bunga-bunga." "Yeah." "She loved it." "That's the way to roll, brother." "That snail-eating soft-arsed Brie basher is mine for the taking." "How many times have I told you?" "When you are angry, use the fist." "Yeah." "That's better." "Did you make this crumble?" "It's delicious." "Thank you so much." "That's really sweet of you." "Hey." "You ok?" "I've just been telling everyone about the time you vomited on the steps of the Vatican." "That was a very bad bug." "Do you know what?" "I am really not ok." "No, I am not ok with you invading my space, or setting firecrackers off in my bedroom, or dressing my dog up like Nicolas Sarkozy and I am certainly not ok with you telling total strangers that I... come like an owl." "I am furious with you." "Good." "I am glad." "At least this is an emotion." "Because you're crazy and loud and shout all the time." "This is good." "Anything else?" "Yes, you're fun and open and you love life and..." " I hate you for it." " More?" "I just want to bury the hatchet." "Bury the hatchet?" "Is this another repressed English sex game, like pass the parcel?" "Oh, I don't think you have been playing that right." "I want to start again." "And I would like us to be friends." "Excellent." "Then as my new friend, I must tell you I have sights on someone." "Really?" "Someone delicate, feminine, gentle." "I can sense the passion lurking there." "Well." "Good luck... to them." "Next time, maybe you have the balls to invite that nice girl you like." " Ah, my knight in shining amour." " Well, I don't know about that." "Parlez-vous français?" " Hi." " Hi." "Can I help you?" "I..." "I'm here to see Eve but I think I've got the wrong house." "No, no, she's here." "Darling, there's someone to see you." " All right, babe, I'll just be a minute!" " All right." "She'll be ages." "I'm just going to..." "I'll go get her." "'The symbiotic association of Rhizobium bacteria with the roots of legumes is the basis of which process, essential to agriculture?" "'" "Dick Francis." "'Your starter for ten, which crime writer rode the Queen Mother's horse Devon Loch in the 1956 Grand National?" "'" "Dick Francis." "'Is correct.'" "'Which British composer's works include The Protecting Veil and Song for Athene?" "'" "Sally Gunnell." "'The naked torso of a woman, an inverted tuba and a cane-bottomed chair all appear in a painting by which Belgian surrealist?" "'" "Sally Gunnell."