"(WHEELS RUMBLING OVER CONCRETE)" "(BELLS CHIMING)" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(AIR WHOOSHING AND BELLS JINGLING)" "♪ (BING CROSBY AND THE ANDREWS SISTERS SINGING) ♪" "♪ Here comes Santa Claus" "♪ Here comes Santa Claus" "♪ Riding down Santa Claus Lane" "♪ Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer" "♪ Are pulling on the reins..." "WOMAN ON RADIO:" "Just two shopping days left till Christmas and traffic is looking good in the centre of town." "Victoria Embankment is moving smoothly in both directions." "There does seem to be some sort of hold up over Tower Bridge." "I can see queues on all approaches to it." "There appears to be livestock." "No..." "It's reindeer." "Reindeer!" "I repeat, reindeer, running wild over Tower Bridge." "♪ He's got a bag that is filled with toys for the boys and girls again" "♪ Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle" "♪ What a beautiful sight" "♪ Jump in bed, cover up your head" "♪ Cos Santa Claus comes tonight Tonight" "♪ Santa Claus comes tonight Happy Days..." "MAN ON RADIO:" "A surprising story today." "We have reports of reindeer running loose on the streets of London." "♪ Here comes Santa Claus" "♪ Here comes Santa Claus" "♪ Riding down Santa Claus Lane" "♪ He doesn't care if you're rich or poor, boy" "♪ He loves you just the same" "♪ Santa knows that we're God's children... ♪" "Right..." "Mobile phone." "One Rubik's cube." "Oh..." "Unsolved." "And one set of car keys." "Sign there." " That your Tom, is it?" " Yeah, that was him two years ago." " Takes after you." " Well, let's hope not." "WOMAN ON TV:" "More now on our top story of the reindeer running loose on the streets of London." "There have been sightings as far west as Ealing Broadway." "No-one knows where they came from, so let's just hope they're not Santa's reindeer, or there'll be a lot of disappointed children this Christmas." "Hey, quick!" "We have to stop the train!" "There are people on board!" " We can't." "The brakes have failed." " Well, we have to." "TOM:" "There's an old lady stuck in the back seat!" "TONY:" "An old lady?" "Oh, no!" "But don't worry, she just made it out." "TOM:" "No, the old lady got really mangled up." "She's in a mess." "An old lady?" "Really?" "Ah!" "My legs!" "I can't feel my legs!" "Ah, but fortunately there's an ambulance nearby." "Nee-nah!" "Nee-nah!" "And it saves the old lady's life." "No, she's dead." "She had a big cut on her leg and bled out." "(COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING)" "(COUGHING AGAIN)" "(CHOKING)" "Well, I hope all this death and destruction's making you hungry." "(PHONE RINGS)" " Hello?" " STEVE:" "Hello." "It's me." "Hang on." "Come on, Tom, let's play something else." " Are you out?" " STEVE:" "I'm out." " I'm pleased for you." " Yeah, I'm pleased for me too." " How are you?" " I'm good." "Uh, so, listen, I was just wondering if I could pop by later and see Tom, if that's all right?" " No, today's not a good day." " Ah, come on, Ali." "You can't just change the plans cos you have something better to do tomorrow." "No, I haven't got anything better to do." "Well, we'll see you then." "I've gotta go." "All right." "Thank..." "Thank you." "Was that Dad?" " Yeah, that was Steve." " Why didn't you let him come over?" "Because you'll have more time with him tomorrow." " What if he doesn't come tomorrow?" " He will." "He won't if you're being horrible to him." "Tom..." "(DOOR SHUTS)" "(FAINT ASTRONAUT RADIO CHATTER)" "TONY:" "Just try and give him the benefit of the doubt." "I'm just scared he's gonna build Tom up with promises and then let him down." "TONY:" "Everybody deserves a second chance." " ALI:" "Steve's had about 12." " TONY:" "I know." "TONY:" "Let's just try and have a nice Christmas." "(CROAKING)" "(BUZZING)" "Don't you like the fly?" "Will you have a little grub?" " (KNOCKING)" " Come in." "(CROAKING)" "Mr Anderson, do take a seat." "No?" "Don't want a fly?" "(CROAKS)" " Mince pie?" " Er, no, thank you." "Do you understand what my job is?" "Yeah, it's to make sure that I don't fall back into a life of crime." "Yeah." "Hmm." "It's also to catch you when you do." " And I will catch you." " I'm not gonna do anything wrong." " I'm sure you hear that all the time." " All the time." " But this time it's true." " But this time it's true." "I want you, for the next two months, to come to this office every day at 5:00, starting tomorrow, excluding Christmas Day." "Is that clear?" "Miss an appointment and I'll assume you're stealing, and I'll send you back to prison." "Er, just for the record, I wasn't actually at the stealing end of the business." " I was the getaway driver." " Oh." "That's right." "You were the getaway driver..." "Who didn't get away. (CHUCKLING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "(CRUNCHING)" "(BUZZING)" "(BUZZING)" "(GULPING AND BUZZING)" "(BUZZING)" "(GULPS)" "Is there any reason why you are still here?" "No." "(THUD)" "(DOG HOWLING)" "(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)" "(SNORING)" "Hello?" "Hello!" "My letter." "Argh!" " Oh!" " (CLATTERING)" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh, ooh!" "Ahhh!" "Ho, ho, ho!" "I've been old for a thousand years and I'm not getting any younger." " Are you the real Santa?" " Why, yes!" "Shouldn't you be in Lapland, sorting out everyone's toys?" "Sorting out toys, working out flight paths, feeding reindeer." "Loading, stowing, stacking, labelling, cladding, packing, ribboning, wrapping, and that's before I even think about turning the Northern Lights on." "MAN ON TV:" "Arcs, but more like curtains of..." "Of green." "It doesn't look to me like" " it's cascading down." " (PHONE RINGS)" "It looks like it's rising up from the ground." "(PHONE RINGING)" " Hello?" " TOM: (WHISPERING) Hello." "Tom?" "I can't talk loudly or Mum will hear." "Hello, mate." "How are you?" "How are you doing?" "Santa's in the garage." "What?" "TOM:" "He says that we've got to help him get home." " He says he knows you." " Are you in the garage with a man?" "No, I'm in the house." "Santa's in the garage." "OK, Tom, can you put your mum on, please?" "TOM:" "No, I can't." "Santa says it has to be you." "STEVE:" "Tom, listen to me..." "He's crashed his sleigh, lost his reindeer, and if we don't help him..." " Tom, go and get your mother." "Please." " No." "I'm going back to the garage." " Santa wants to show me his plan." " Tom." "Tom." "(TYRES SCREECHING)" "I'm worried about the reindeer." "It's only natural." "Prancer is the oldest..." "Steve!" "Who the hell are you?" " What are you doing?" " Who are you?" " You know who I am." " I what?" " You know who I am." " I haven't got a clue who you are." "He's Santa!" "OK, just so we're clear, the only reason I haven't knocked your block off is because of him, so whatever your reason is for being here now it better be a good one." "I was running in my new sleigh." "I came in too low, hit a telephone wire, got thrown off and hit my head." "Tom?" "He's lost his reindeer, and if he doesn't get to Lapland, Christmas is off." "All right, Tom." "When your father was your age, he saw me." " What are you talking about?" " It was Christmas Eve." "You saw a shooting star racing across the heavens." " That was me." " Tom?" " Tom, are you in there?" " We need to help him, Steve." " Tom, who are you talking to?" " Go on, you get out of here." " And don't you ever come back." " Bye, Tom." "Don't worry." "Tom, inside." " Steve." " Toby." "It's..." "It's Tony." "ALI:" "What is it, T?" "It's nothing." "It's just a cat." "(DOOR SHUTS)" "(DOGS BARKING)" " Ooh!" " (THUD)" "(CLATTERING)" "(DOGS BARKING)" "Hello, boys." "Oh..." "Ooh." "Ooh!" "Ooh, ooh." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Ooh!" " Oh!" " (THUD)" "(BARKING)" "(BARKING)" "Shh." "Shh!" "It's me." "There you are." "You're all here." "Thank goodness." "I was so worried about you." "Antlers up." "Who wants to go home?" "All of you?" "Right, leave it to me." "Now, if I can just get them airborne... (SIREN WAILING)" "WOMAN ON TV:" "Toe tap right, toe tap left." "Swing the arms." "Four more..." "MAN ON TV:" "This is the scene from Sydney, Australia, where Christmas Eve begins just like any other day." "Big steps, count four." "MAN ON TV:" "Yesterday we told you about reindeer running over Tower Bridge, and now this festive story has taken another mysterious twist." "A man in his 60S, claiming to be none other than Father Christmas, broke into Battersea Dogs Home, where the reindeer are being housed, and tried to catapult them over the fence." "It looks like Santa will be spending Christmas in prison." "But don't worry, kids." "He's not the real Santa." "How do we know?" "Because Santa's reindeer can fly." "(CAMERA CLICKING)" "Ten sticks of rock." "As a matter of fact, they're called candy canes." "Ten sticks of rock." " Letters." " Forty-one." "Forty-one letters." "(INMATES JEERING)" "INMATE 1:" "Oi, pops!" "What am I getting for Christmas?" "INMATE 2:" "Send him a letter like everyone else!" "All right, lads, leave it out." "INMATE 3:" "Oi, Santa!" "Are you gonna escape up the chimney?" "Eh?" "(CHUCKLING)" "Right, stop." "This one." "This one." "I'd get changed if I was you." "You can't keep me in here." "Room not to your liking, sir?" "Oh, wait, I do apologise, but all the sea-view rooms are taken." "Officer, please, this is very, very important." "You have to let me out of here or Christmas will be cancelled." "(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)" "(SPLATTING ON WINDOW GRILL)" "Hello, mate." "Take me to see Santa or I'm not coming." "That's the deal." "Take it or leave it." "I'll take it." "When are you going to get rid of this old banger?" "Oh, now, now." "This old banger treated us well." " I made you both a packed lunch." " Thank you." " Have fun." " We will." "Thank you." "Bye. (KISSES TOM)" "Love you." "I'm sorry about last night." "So, do you wanna go and see Father Christmas?" "What do you say we swing by Harrods?" "Santa's in prison." "What?" "No." "No." "We can't go and see that old fruitcake from last night." "He's not a fruitcake." "Well, he's definitely a few fries short of a Happy Meal." "He's Santa." "Look, Tom, I can't get us into prison to go and see him." "It's not possible." "I'm sorry." "No, wait, wait, wait." "There might be a way." "Table six." "You've got five minutes." "Right, I'll tell you what." "If I..." "When I prove that he's not Father Christmas, can we just forget all of this and have a nice day together?" "Mm?" "OK." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Oh." "Thank you for coming." "This place is horrible." "Yeah, well, it's not a holiday camp, Nick." " You know my name." " I worked it out." " How?" " Well, I thought of Saint Nicholas, and then I abbreviated it to Saint Nick." "And then, I took away the "Saint"." "(CHUCKLES) That's exactly how I came to it." "Oh, wow!" "What do you know?" "I tried other more elaborate names, but that one seemed to stick." " We've come to rescue you." " Thank goodness." "Yeah, we thought we'd free your reindeer and fly in and pick you up." "No, that wouldn't work because the reindeer can't actually fly." "I mean, not by themselves, but..." "Well, it's complicated." "But if you find the sleigh, I mean, provided it's not broken, then you might be able to." "Are you on medication?" "Or worse, are you not on medication?" "Ho, ho, ho!" " You still don't believe I'm Santa." " Do you wanna know why?" " Because I'm 30." " But once you were seven." "Yeah, and I saw a shooting star." "Tell me something I don't know." "It was an exceptionally cold Christmas night." "Your parents were drunk." "They'd been rowing." " My parents got divorced." " This was their last Christmas together." "You ran out into the back garden." "You were crying." "You heard a noise in the skies above you." "The sound of bells, sleigh bells, and that's when you saw me." "You knew it wasn't a shooting star." "That's just what your mother told you." "But you had proof." "You found a gift in the garden, a gift that I had left for you." "What was it?" "Do you remember?" "Why don't you tell me?" "It was the most popular gift of that year." "A Rubik's cube." "You still have it, don't you?" "Not because of me." "Oh, no." "No, you kept it because that was the last family Christmas you ever had." "How do you know that?" "Because he's Santa." "Deep in your heart, you know who I am." "Deep in my heart, you're a nutbag." "(CHUCKLING)" "The reindeer have been moved to a private area in Richmond Park." "Go there." "Seek out Dasher." "He knows what to do." " Dasher speaks?" " He communicates." "Right, that's it, I've had enough of this." "We haven't seen each other in a very long time, OK?" "And I wouldn't ask this if it wasn't the most important job in the world." " Come on, we're going." " We had a deal." "What, you wanna spend our day looking for a talking reindeer?" " Yes." " OK, then, that's what we'll do." " Thank you." " No, thank you." " Come on." " One more thing." "How do I survive in this place?" "Erm, stop pretending to be Father Christmas." "Steve." "Go and see the barber." " Er, I can't change my look." " For advice." "Tell him I sent you." "(BUZZING)" "Excuse me." "Are you the barber?" " No, I'm the vet." " They keep animals here?" "Yeah, they keep all sorts of animals in here." "Do they keep reindeer?" " Are you trying to be funny?" " No, I'm trying to find the barber." "It's pretty obvious I'm the barber, isn't it?" "Steve Anderson said you'd be able to help me." " You know Steve?" " I know Steve very well." " Do one." " Eh?" "Do one." "Any friend of Steve's a friend of mine." "Oh, that's great news!" "A friend is exactly what I need." "What can I do for you?" "Well, it's rather a long story." "Take a seat, pops." "The one thing we've got in here is time." "Well, I was born in Lapland a long time ago." "Neighbourhood I grew up in was a small town in the Laughing Valley of Hohaho." "Although my childhood was happy, one day an old woodcutter told me about all the poverty in the world." "And I was so shocked that I went straight to Elf City." "Now, the elves are wonderful toy makers, as you know." "So I went there with a mission, that on Christmas morning, from that day forth, every child would get a toy." "I know what you're thinking." "Where do the reindeer come in?" "STEVE:" "Right, so there's six reindeer, and they all look like, er, reindeer." "None of them appear to be talking, but..." "No, hang on, one second." "Oh, no, he's just eating grass." "Why are you acting like an idiot, Steve?" "You know, it wouldn't hurt you to call me Dad once in a while, cos, like it or lump it, that's what I am." "Lump it." "You're not going over the fence." "Get off the fence." "Oi, you're not climbing over the fence." "Right, that's it, mister." "Me and you are now officially no longer friends." "So, as we speak, Steve and his son Tom are rescuing my head reindeer, Dasher, who will then lead them to my new magic sleigh." "They will then be able to fly in and spring me from prison." "Well, me first advice is don't tell anyone about this." " Yeah, not in here." " OK." "In fact, I think it might be better if we create a whole new back story for you." "You know, one where you won't end up in a psychiatric unit." " You don't think they'll believe me?" " I'm positive they won't." "So instead of "Santa Claus", let's pretend your name's," "I don't know, something like Mad Jimmy Claws." "You're a veteran safe cracker, bank robber, all-round bad guy." "Mad Jimmy Claws?" "Yeah." "Do you like it?" " I think it's horrible." " It's supposed to be." "Show me your gangster face." " My what?" " Your mean face." "Hmm?" "Now, if you're gonna be Mad Jimmy Claws, you've gotta be..." " Mad." " No, not mad crazy." "Just mean." "Mean." " No, mean." " Mean." "Don't ever do that again." "OK, so, Dasher, if you are here, your boss wants us to spring him from prison, and he says that you would know what to do." " Nothing." " He might be shy." "Or he might be a reindeer that doesn't speak." "Dasher, we're your friends." "We're not going to hurt you." "If you're here, just show yourself." "(REINDEER GRUNTING)" "(REINDEER FARTS)" "(VERY LONG FART)" "Santa didn't say he spoke." "He said he communicated." "That's not a communication." "That's a fart." "Hello, reindeer." "If any of you are trying to speak, fart now." "(FARTING)" "Oh, come on." "If one of you is Dasher, fart now." "Dasher's not here." " What, that's your proof?" " No." "That's my proof." "Santa has seven reindeer." "(REINDEER FARTING)" "All right, so what does that mean?" "(SIREN WAILING)" "No, no, no, no." "Quick, run!" "This is Sierra 15." "We're in pursuit of a man and child on suspicion of..." " Why are we chasing them?" " Suspected reindeer rustling." "(ENGINE FAILS TO START)" " Oh, come on." "Come on, come on." " This van's rubbish." "She's a bit rusty." "But that's what happens when you've been locked up for two years." " Come on!" " Hurry." "(TYRES SCREECH)" "(SIREN WAILING)" "This is bad, Tom." "This is really, really bad." "If I get caught, I'm going straight back to..." "Oh, my!" "Dasher." "It's him." "Do you think he can fly us out of here?" "No, I do not think he can fly us out of here." " Dasher, can you fly?" " (DASHER FARTS)" "Will you stop asking him questions, please?" " It really is him, isn't it?" " Well, it is a reindeer, yes," "I will give you that." "I'm really sorry, I think we should get back onto the road." "If we stay on the grass, we're going to be blocked in." " Gatehouse, this is Finkerton." " MAN ON POLICE RADIO:" "Who?" " Sergeant Finkerton." " Finker what?" "Finkerton!" "Thames Valley Police." "We have some traffic coming your way." "Be sure to stop it." "Over!" " What are we gonna do now?" " Well, we either stop or we don't." "Don't!" "That was brilliant!" "Yes, but definitely not within the terms of my parole." "(SIREN WAILING)" "Not tough enough?" "Well, you're walking like you need the toilet." "All right." " How about this?" " Yeah, come on." " Fractionally better." " Oh, good." "Now, remember, anyone stares at you, you stare right back at them, yeah?" "Don't be afraid, but don't be stupid either." "And if they won't budge, tell 'em to get out of your face." "Get out of your face!" "No, not get out of their face." "Get out of your face." "Get out of their face." "Get out of your face." "No." "Get out of me face." " Get out of me face." " That's it, yeah." " Yeah, OK." " Get out of me face." " Get out of me face." " Get out of me face." " Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." " Very good." "Right, in the chair." " Not..." " No, no, no, don't worry." "I'm not gonna cut your beard." "Just a few finishing touches." " What's he doing?" " Stop the van." " Why?" " Stop the van." " I think he wants to get out." " I wanna know how he got in." " TOM:" "Dad, hurry!" " STEVE:" "Wait up." "Dasher!" "Dasher?" "Dasher!" "If that really is your name." "Dasher!" "(CLICKING)" "(ENGINE WHIRRS AND STOPS)" "He really is Santa, isn't he?" "(SIREN WAILING)" "♪ (N.W.A. RAPPING STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON) ♪" "♪ Straight outta Compton It's a crazy brother named Ice Cube" "♪ From the stupid-dope gang with a attitude" "♪ When I'm called off, I got a sawed-off" "♪ Kick knowledge and bodies are hauled off" "♪ You too, boy, if you get with me" "♪ The police are gonna have to come and get me" "♪ Off your back, that's how I'm goin' out" "♪ For the sucka dumb brothas that's showin' out" "♪ Some start to mumble, They wanna rumble" "♪ Mix 'em and cook 'em in a pot like gumbo" "♪ Goin' off on everybody like that" "♪ With bass that's droppin' in your face" "♪ So give it up smooth... ♪" "An elf!" "What did you call me?" "Goodness." "Why wasn't your absence noted by your elf leader?" "What are you, a comedian?" "Are you part of Entwhistle's theatre troupe?" "You'd best back up, crazy beard, before I slap that stupid grin off your face." "Wait a minute." "I know what you're doing." "You're doing your mean face." " My what?" " You're in character." "He's good." "Except I have a secret weapon up my sleeve." "A song that no elf can resist singing along to." "♪ (SINGING) ♪" "♪ Elves are good, elves are strong" "♪ Making toys all night long" "♪ In the snow, in the rain Making toys is not a strain" "♪ Working hard Stacking shelves" "♪ We don't know cos we are elves We are elves, we are... ♪" "You're not an elf, are you?" "No." "Do you know who the smallest people in the world are?" " Not elves?" " Bullies." "Inside, bullies are this small." "I'm bigger than you, pal." "Remember that." "I don't think calling someone an elf is an insult, do you?" "Yeah." "Oi, Sally, what are you doing here?" "I thought you was escaping last night." " Is his name Sally?" " His prison name's Sally." "Sally Gunnel, tunnel." "Cockney rhyming slang." "On account he tells everyone he's digging a tunnel to get out of here." "He's as mad as you." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, mate." "Will you put that Santa bloke on, please?" "What's going on?" "What are you indulging this plan for?" "Just put him on, mate, will you?" " SANTA:" "Hello." "Steve?" " Oh, yeah." "Hello." "Um..." "So we found..." "Well, we've got a reindeer and some sort of a, well, yeah, it's a weird sleigh thing." "Oh, Steve, that's great!" "What should I do now?" "Go to the rear of the vehicle, and there you'll find a compartment with a picture of a," " well, a rather nice picture of a..." " Elf in a jumpsuit?" "Correct." "Yes." "Now, there's a handle at the back." "Now, make sure it's secure, but whatever you do don't pull it all the way out because that way you'd lose the magic powder, which would be a disaster." "Uh..." " Well, it's empty." " No." "Yeah." "And all the..." "All the green sort of dust stuff is all on the..." "It's all over the ground." "Well, well, well." "If it ain't the one they call Santa C." "No, his name's Jimmy." "Jimmy Claws." "Who's talking to you, hairdresser?" " I'm just making conversation." " Well, don't." "Steve, get the emergency kit out of the glove compartment." "Where's the glove compartment?" "Where's the..." "Hello?" "STEVE:" "Hello?" "I've heard you do a right moody impression of Father Christmas." "Ho, ho, ho!" "I mean, no, no, no." "I'm Jimmy Claws, not Santa Claus." " Get out of my face." " What you say?" "I said, yes, I do a fine impression of Santa Claus." " Show me." " What would you like me to say?" " What does FC normally say?" " "FC"." "I like that!" "INMATE:" ""Hello, little girl." "Have you been good?" ""Or you been really, really naughty?"" "No, no, no." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas, everyone." "Merry Christmas." "Now you're talking." " You got the job." " What job?" "We're having a Christmas Eve party later for the kids and the families." "We do it every year." "I want you to dress up as Father Christmas and do a turn." "You know, we'll even have the guards get you a costume." " Would you do that for me?" " Oh, yes!" "I mean, sure, I'll do that for you." "If all else fails." "If all else fails, go to Hermey's Tower, Suffolk." " We can't go to Suffolk." " Why?" "Cos you've gotta be home at 4:00 and I've got a parole meeting at 5:00." " But we're trying to save Christmas." " And I'm trying to stay out of prison." "So you're just gonna quit?" "I can't miss my parole meeting, Tom." "It's impossible." "I'm sorry." "Then Mum was right about you." "What do you mean?" "Why?" "What did Mum say about me?" "That you'd build me up with promises and then let me down." "That's a very nasty thing to say, and it's not true." "Well, no, actually, it is true." "I am immensely unreliable and I always let people down, which is precisely the reason why Santa would never choose me for this so-called mission." "Yeah?" "Well, he did." "So he must have had a good reason." "All I wanted today was a chance to be a proper dad." "Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to see you?" "Two years, one month and three days." "That's right." "Santa's relying on you, Dad." " (CROAKING) - (LAUGHS)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Hello, Miss Mawbury, it's Steve Anderson here." "Oh, Steve." "To what do I owe this misfortune?" "(CHUCKLES) Um..." "I was just wondering if it would be possible to cancel..." "Postpone our meeting until next week." "You see, something quite important has just come up with my son." "RUTH:" "My dear boy, if you don't come and visit me today at 5:00, then you'll be having Christmas dinner behind bars." " Comprende?" " Yeah, yeah, absolutely clear." "Well, thank you, thanks very much for being so understanding." "All right." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Did you hear what I said?" "Let's go save Christmas." "♪ (BOBBY HELMS SINGING JINGLE BELL ROCK) ♪" "♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock" "♪ Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring" "♪ Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun" "♪ Now the jingle hop has begun" "♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock" "♪ Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time" "♪ Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square" "♪ In the frosty air" "♪ What a bright time" "♪ It's the right time" "♪ To rock the night away" "♪ Jingle bell time is a swell time" "♪ To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh" "♪ Giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet" "♪ Jingle around the clock" "♪ Mix and a-mingle in the jingling feet" "♪ That's the jingle bell rock" "♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock..." "This is amazing." "♪ ...in Jingle Bell time" "♪ Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square" "♪ In the frosty air" "♪ What a bright time" "♪ It's the right time" "♪ To rock the night away" "♪ Jingle bell time is a swell time" "♪ To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh" "♪ Giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet... ♪" "We are yet to ascertain whether the stolen deer was one of those from the Tower Bridge or one of the royal deer living in the adjacent field." "You mean he could have stolen the Queen's deer?" "That's right, sir." "So we have an offence against the realm." "Er..." "No, sir." "That's..." "That's killing swans." "(THUD)" "(CROAKING)" "Hello, Ruth." "Do come in." " Have you bought me a gift?" " No." "That's my toad." "He spends Christmas with me." "Steve Anderson, on the other hand, is going back to prison." "It would seem you do have a gift for me after all." "The name of our suspect." " (ENGINE SPUTTERS)" " Oh, no, no, no, no, no." " This is not good." " What is it, Dad?" "No, it's all right." "Don't worry." "Just stay there." "(STEAM HISSES)" "TOM:" "Will it be all right, Dad?" "(COUGHS)" "(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)" "Look, the police are here." "Let me deal with it." "Don't say anything." "And will you close those curtains, please?" "Hello, Officer." " Looks like your head gasket's blown." " Yeah." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." " All right, little man?" " We'll be fine, thank you." " You got cover?" "No, but a friend has got a breakdown vehicle, so I'll just call him." "OK, well, my advice would be to sit up on the bank." " Don't want anyone crashing into you." " No, we don't." "Thank you, sir." " Right." " All right, you have a good" " (DASHER BELLOWS) - day." "(THUDDING AND CLATTERING)" "So what have you got in there?" "A..." "A dog." "Yeah?" "What kind of dog?" "(CLATTERING)" " A..." "A very big one." " (JINGLING)" "That's a funny-looking dog." "Oh, God!" "Oh, no!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Bad deer." "Bad deer." " Is he dead?" " No, he is not dead." "Don't even say that." "But he is gonna wake up in 10 minutes with a very sore head." "What are we gonna do?" "It'll be fine, Dad." "He'll understand." "No, he won't." "♪ (THE SATURDAYS SINGING CHRISTMAS WRAPPING) ♪" "♪ "Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong" "♪ Cos it is my favourite holiday" "♪ But all this year's been a busy blur" "♪ Don't think I have the energy" "♪ To add to my already mad rush" "♪ Just cos it's "'tis the season"" "♪ The perfect gift for me would be" "♪ Completions and connections left from" "♪ Last year, ski shop" "♪ Encounter, most interesting" "♪ Had his number but never the time" "♪ Most of '81 passed along those lines" "♪ So deck those halls, trim those trees" "♪ Raise up cups of Christmas cheer" "♪ I just need to catch my breath" "♪ Christmas by myself this year ♪" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "Go on, get in, quick." "One sec." "It's all right." "We're not the first people to try that." "Actually, we probably are." " You've done well, pops." " We did well." "We couldn't have done it without you, though." "It's teamwork, that's all." "Imagine what you men could achieve on the outside if you all pulled together." " Yeah." " We talk about nothing else." "(LAUGHING)" " Who are you?" " I am what you see." "Well, you've certainly got the routine down if nothing else." "(CHUCKLES)" "I've got a mate of mine that can get hold of some moody Christmas trees." "With you dressed like that, we can knock 'em out for a bull's-eye a piece." "Your name's Roger Shaw." "You grew up in Bethnal Green." "When you were nine, you wrote to me and asked for a bike." "I brought you one." "It was silver." "Two days later, your father sold it to make ends meet." "Your name is Sam Peters." "You were born in Torquay, Devon." "When you were six, you wrote to me and asked for a painting set." "I brought you one and you used it every day." "Until your friends told you it was girly and you threw it in the bin." "Your name is Marlon Baxter." "When you were seven, your mother left you and your father and you wrote to me asking for her to come home." "Well, that's not the sort of wish I can grant." "But she's alive and living in Leeds in Yorkshire, and not a single day goes by when she doesn't regret what she did." "Should I carry on?" "No." "I'm Santa, Father Christmas, call me what you want." "With the help of two friends, I intend to escape from here tonight so that I can deliver presents to all the children in the world." "Wait." "What friends?" "Steve Anderson." "You may know him." "And his son Tom." "You put the fate of Christmas in the hands of that monkey?" "Steve is very reliable." "Steve Anderson is a lot of things, but reliable is not one of 'em." "You stick with me, pops." "I'll get you out." "Oh... (CHUCKLES)" "Hello, hello, hello!" "Come and get your tickets to our fabulous production of Cinderella!" "Come and see me get my man." "And here he is, his most excellent radiancy, his royal Prince Charming." " Isn't that the van from earlier?" " Well, possibly." "But you either wanna pick up a reindeer or you don't, and, besides, he could be anywhere now." "(PHONE RINGS)" "(CAROLLERS SINGING IN BACKGROUND)" "No." "Hello, Alison." "Hello, Steve." "How are things?" "Yeah, good, thank you, yeah." "We're having a lovely day." " How are you?" " I'm having a cup of tea with the police." " Oh, that's not good, is it?" " Let me speak with Tom." "All right." " It's your mum." " Hey, Mum." "Where are you, sweetie?" "Just saving Christmas with Dad." "Sweetheart, we've been really worried about you." " Your dad is in heaps of trouble." " He didn't do anything wrong." "Look, you must tell me where you are." "No." "STEVE:" "Hiya." "Please, bring him home." "Alison, you really need to just trust me on this one, OK?" "Hello, Steve." "This is Ruth." "RUTH:" "Yes, I just wanted to make you aware that the only thing right now between you and prison is me." "This is your last chance." "GIRL:" "Mummy!" "Mummy, look!" "I said to you, I said to you just stay in the field, didn't I?" "(FARTS)" "(POLICE SIREN BLARING)" "It's OK, everyone." "It's just part of the show." "Come on." "Tom, go in the theatre." "Go in the theatre." "TOM:" "Dad, what's going on?" "Dad, what are we doing?" "All right, mate?" "♪ (DIANA ROSS SINGING I'M COMING OUT) ♪" "♪ I'm coming out" "♪ I want the world to know" "♪ Got to let it show" "♪ I'm coming out" "♪ I want the world to know" "♪ Got to let it show" "When I discovered that they were smuggling a reindeer, that's when the driver attacked me." "NEWSCASTER ON TV:" "Police are now searching for this man, thought to be accompanied by his son and a stolen reindeer." "♪ This time around" "♪ I am gonna do it" "♪ Like you never knew it" "♪ Oh, I'll make it through" "♪ The time has come for me" "♪ To break out of this shell" "♪ I have to shout" "♪ That I am coming out" "♪ I'm coming out" "♪ I want the world to know" "Hermey's Tower, Suffolk?" "The reindeer goes in the back." "♪ I'm coming out" "♪ I want the world to know" "♪ Got to let it show" "Dad, what's the latest we can get Santa and still save Christmas?" " TOM:" "I've put 11:00." "Is that OK?" " STEVE:" "Um, can we talk about it later?" "Hmm." "♪ I'm coming" "♪ I'm coming out" "♪ Coming... ♪" "FC, come and taste this." " What is it?" " Magic trifle." "Magic trifle!" "Ohh. (GROANING)" "It's horrible." "What's in it?" "Prison-made alcohol." " Not to your liking?" " SANTA:" "No, no." "Then I'll definitely swerve the cookies." "(BELL JINGLING)" "What on earth are you wearing?" "What do you mean, what am I wearing?" "I'm Santa's little helper." "In more ways than one." "Stay close to him, cos he's your insurance policy out of here." " What do you think of the costume?" " SANTA:" "Terrible." "The cuffs are wrong, collar's wrong and the hat's completely wrong." "Peter Pan." "DRIVER:" "This is it." "Hermey's Tower." "Tom, will you just wait, please?" "I can wait too, if you like." "Erm, no, we'll be all right from here." "Thanks very much, though." "You know, I was the same after my divorce." "Trying to do too much to make things right." "It's OK." "Sometimes it's better to listen to your heart more than to your head." " Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." "WOMAN:" "Where do you think he's heading?" "We're currently looking into whether he has any friends or family in Suffolk." "Would you like my take?" "Well, I can't help but feel we're gonna get it." "I just received a phone call from Lambeth Prison." "Steve broke his parole conditions and paid a visit to this man." "I did a little research." "This picture is 20 years old." "A friend of mine from the Yard just sent it over." "He looks the same age." "His name is Harry Mitchell." "He was arrested Christmas '92 for trying to climb down someone's chimney." "Well, he's mad, obsessed with Christmas." "So what?" "He escaped out of the police vehicle on the way from court." "They still don't know how he did it." "It would appear he's something of an escape artist." "I just rang the governor at Lambeth to let him know." " What's going on?" " Come on, Harry," " you're coming with us." " We're having a Christmas party." " Where are you taking me?" " Back to your cell." "But there are children waiting to see me." "We're just running a few checks, Harry." "That's all." "Harry?" "Who's Harry?" "It's the same as the picture in the book." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "It's only got three sides!" ""Last collection 24th of December." ""No collection after 12:00 midnight."" "What is this?" " (RINGING TONE)" " Hello?" "Hello, mate." "Can I speak to Santa, please?" "What, you mean Harry Mitchell?" "What are you talking about?" "Father Christmas, Santa Claus, whatever you wanna call him." "His real name's Mitchell, Harry Mitchell." " Go on." " He's got previous." "Arrested in Bradford on a burglary charge." "He's some sort of scam man." "They've got him on temporary lockdown in his cell while they run checks." "Give up on this joker, lad, before you wind up back in here." "Take care." "What's happened?" "He's not Santa." " Yes, he is." " He's not." "But what about the sleigh?" "And Dasher?" "And all the stuff he knew about you?" "I don't know." "Some sort of weird trick." " It's not, Dad." " Look, look around you, Son." "It's not Santa's grotto." "It's some sort of a water tower." "What about the book?" "What about it?" "I don't know." "Maybe we're in the wrong place." "Maybe there's another tower." "OK, listen to me, Tom." "I'm in a great deal of trouble, all right?" "The sooner we call off this whole search thing, the better it'll be for me." "(EXHALES)" "Thank you." "Lambeth Prison have Harry Mitchell in his cell." " They obviously trust your instincts." " Well, I'm glad somebody does." "Well, maybe I do owe you an apology. (CHUCKLES)" "Hmm, that's very gracious of you." "We don't have to be friends for me to admire your wisdom." "Find Steve Anderson and we can all let our hair down." "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Well, well, well." "Steve." "STEVE:" "All right, just listen to me or I'm ringing off." "I didn't hit that policeman, all right, in the van." "It was Dasher." "I mean, it was a reindeer." "As far as I'm concerned, all you've done is miss a parole meeting." "You're not gonna send me back to prison?" "I won't send you back to prison." "All right, we're, well, we're at a place called Hermey's Tower in Suffolk." "We'll wait for you here, all right?" "You're not sending him back to prison?" "No." "You are." "Santa." "Barber!" "You've got to help me." "You've got to call Steve." "I just spoke to him." "He's through with you." "Steve would never give up on Christmas." "Steve knows all about Harry Mitchell." "Who?" "BARBER:" "You know who." "Now, listen, you're getting a very good friend of mine in a lot of trouble." "And that can't happen." "Do you understand me?" "SANTA:" "Barber, it's Christmas Eve!" " You have to help me!" " INMATE:" "Shut it!" "Why would someone lie about something like this?" "I don't know." "Sometimes adults like to tell fibs." "Yeah, but not about something as big as this." "Do you remember the last time I saw you and I told you a story?" "It was a spaceman story about an astronaut going on a long and dangerous mission to Mars, and the only thing to keep him going on this mission was the love that he had for his son." "And I told you that story for a reason." "You didn't want me to forget you." "You wanted me to know that someday you'd be a good dad." "You are a good dad." "The best." "But that still doesn't explain why Santa would lie." "Well, I don't know." "I mean, sometimes people like to tell stories, you know?" "Maybe he just likes to tell people that he's Santa Claus, flying around the world on his sleigh." "TOM:" "It's the sky!" "What is?" "That's the North Star." "This is the Plough." "So that..." "That's the North Star." "Look, it's..." "It's a code." "So, if I move this to here and this to here... (CLANKING AND WHIRRING)" "(RUMBLING)" "This isn't a map." "This is instructions." "And that's not a tower." "It's a letter box." "This must be one of the routes for the letters to get to Lapland." "This must be a slide for Santa to get to Lapland." "You can't take a slide all the way to Lapland." "It would take weeks." " Well, let's go down it." " Oh, no, we won't." "(DASHER BELLOWS)" " What?" " (FARTS)" "Sometimes you fart, sometimes you truffle." "Be more specific." " He's telling us to go." " Tom, no!" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom, where are you?" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom, can you hear me?" "Dad!" "Dad?" "No." "Oh, no." "Tom." "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom, where are you?" "Tom!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "(BEEPING)" "MAN ON TV:" "There's a tunnel being dug." "You've heard, I suppose?" "When they leave off singing, yeah, yeah." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "MAN ON TV:" "Slowcombe's a relative of friends of mine outside, and they want him sprung so he can join his dad." "Yeah, wasn't his dad... (HIGH-PITCHED TONE)" "Now a change to the schedule." "Unconfirmed reports just in from Sydney, Australia, that thousands of children have awoken on Christmas morning to discover their stockings empty." "Can this really be the first time that Santa has failed to deliver?" "I hope, and I'm sure I speak for all of us, I hope this is not true." "Ugh!" "(PANTING)" "Tom." "Tom." "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom." "Tom." "Tom." "That was brilliant!" "Oh, you're OK." "You're OK." "(NEARBY CRY)" "(OWL HOOTING)" "(BIRD SCREECHING)" "(SCREECHING)" "(OWL HOOTING)" "STEVE:" "Hello!" " MAN:" "What is it?" "What is it?" " MAN 2:" "Shh." "(MAN WHISPERING)" "(WHISPERING)" " (OWL HOOTS) - (MAN WHISPERING)" " (TWIG SNAPS)" " TOM:" "What was that?" " Hello?" " (HOOTING)" "Hello?" "MAN:" "Who are you?" " Who are you?" " I asked first." "I'm Steve, and this is my son Tom." "Why are you here?" "Um, we've come to rescue Santa." "Why?" "What have you done with him?" "What do you mean, what have we done with him?" " He's in prison." " Prison?" " MAN 2:" "What's happened?" " MAN 3:" "No." "Um, he crashed his sleigh and he got arrested for trying to rescue his reindeer." "You see, Entwhistle?" "I told you so." "It doesn't prove anything." "BUSTER:" "It proves you don't listen to Buster." "Who test-drives his new sleigh two days before Christmas?" "Stop making this personal, Buster." "This is not about you." "Excuse..." "Sorry, excuse me." "Are you, er, elves?" "ENTWHISTLE:" "Why, yes." "Is this Elf City?" "This is a forest, a forest that surrounds Elf City." "Elf City is that way." "Come this way." " ELF 1:" "Come on." " ELF 2:" "Follow us." "I never thought it was real." "Not even as a boy." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "ENTWHISTLE:" "He's gone missing before but never for this long." "And never on Christmas Eve." "At this rate there won't be enough time." "TOM:" "Well, what are we gonna do?" "ENTWHISTLE:" "Come up with a plan." "(WIND WHISTLING)" "Operations." "I'm just putting you through now." "WOMAN:" "With you in a mo, Binky." "WOMAN 2:" "Send more wrapping paper your way." "WOMAN 3:" "Terribly sorry, they're busy right now." "WOMAN:" "Roger." "Over and out." "ENTWHISTLE:" "Arts and crafts have knocked up a map of the prison." "Now, I apologise it's not to scale, but they've done the best they could under the circumstances." "We believe Santa's where?" "General population, C block." "Hmm." "Is he gettable?" "Can we get to him?" "STEVE:" "No." "I mean, maybe." "You're quite sure there's no magic dust left in the main sleigh?" " Quite sure." "It was completely empty." " Well, that's it, then, lads." "It's over." "Wait." "So Santa crashed the new sleigh." " Then there must be an old sleigh." " ENTWHISTLE:" "Yes." "So why can't we just fly in and get him?" "Elves aren't allowed to fly the sleigh." " Why?" " ENTWHISTLE:" "Medical reasons." "What medical reasons?" "If we fly over a thousand feet, we explode." "Oh." "Look, I hate to be the grump here, but I'm also the realist." "He's missed New Zealand and he's also missed Australia, not to mention Kiribati, Samoa, Tonga." "And pretty soon the world's gonna wake up to discover Santa's gone AWOL." "It's over, elves." "It's over." "STEVE:" "There's a door on the roof." "It's not on your map." "It's an emergency door." "We used it for a fire drill once." "Now, this door leads to a main atrium, with access to all the cells." "Now, if you can figure out a way of getting me airborne," "I'll fly in," "I'll land on the roof and I'll get him out of there." "(LAUGHS)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Just cos you think you're a getaway driver, you think you can fly a sleigh." "ENTWHISTLE:" "That's a very courageous offer, Steve, but to fly the sleigh takes an awful lot of training." " Dad's a brilliant driver." " ENTWHISTLE:" "Even so." "Santa came to me for a reason." ""Santa came to me." Ha!" "You tell me to run this like a business?" "He's making it personal." "Look, even if you could fly the sleigh, Steve, we've only got one reindeer left." "He's retired and he's got three teeth." "SPECS:" "Well, Prancer could make it to the prison." "We'll then just need our friends to get Santa to the main sleigh." "And what about the six reindeer being held in Richmond Park?" "Parachute Oswald in." "(SQUEAKY CHATTERING)" "We know Dasher will make his own way there." "Oswald simply needs to free the others and get them to the main sleigh." "And we forget about the unfolding nightmare in Australia?" "Who's to say he hasn't left the Australian kids their presents already?" "In their back yards, in their garages, on the beaches." "Santa'll make it on time." "And so will we." "It's not personal, Buster." "It's strictly business." "♪ (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪" "ENTWHISTLE:" "Here we go." "It's the Northern Lights." "ENTWHISTLE:" "There are no Northern Lights." "We create it with the magic powder." "Fortunately, with a bit of misinformation from the science community, no-one questions it." " Yeah, but how does that help us?" " The reindeer run on the green light." "Oh, right." "Is he all right?" "Prancer won't let you come to any harm." "Come on, quick." "Jump aboard." "SPECS:" "Oswald is on the back." "Right." "Put this around your wrist." "It will open any lock." "Just grab hold of the door handle and the mechanism will do the rest." "The other apparatus you'll have to figure out for yourself." "BUSTER:" "Here's the magic powder." "Take the gun, and if the lights go faint, just fire the gun again." "Steve, thank you." "Yes, thank you." "Thanks, Dad." "Good luck." " Don't worry, Dad." "It'll be fine." " STEVE:" "Yeah, it will." "(STEVE SCREAMING)" "(CONTINUES SCREAMING)" "(STOPS SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "That's it." "This isn't so bad." "I think I've got this." " Dad!" " (SCREAMS)" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "(TOM SCREAMS)" "(BEEPING)" "(SIREN WAILING)" "(SIREN STOPS)" "Anderson." " Anderson?" " Anderson, this is the police." "Show yourself." "Anderson?" ""If all else fails..." ""Help Santa."" "That's been crossed out and replaced with "Get Santa"." ""Lambeth Prison, 11:00 p.m. latest." ""Bring magic powder so we can fly."" "That doesn't sound good." "OK, so we're just coming up to Richmond Park." "Prepare Oswald." "Er, how do I prepare him?" "Dunno." "Has he got a parachute?" "There's no parachute." "Well, maybe it's a magic box." "Well, how do we know?" "(OSWALD SQUEAKS)" "It's not magic." "Go, Oswald!" "Oi, Santa." "Stop your snivelling and listen up." "I just got word they're transferring you to a more secure prison." " But they can't." " Well, they are." "Fortunately for you, Knuckles wants you out, so here's the plan." "A guard will collect you and walk you straight past the gym." "That's where I'll be hiding, right?" "When it kicks off, wade in, and wade in hard." "I don't want the guard kicking me round the cell like a football." " I don't think I can do this." " Yes, you can." "I wonder what Santa's got in his bag." "What you got there?" "What, do you want me to land this thing in the dark?" "(PHONE RINGS)" "If that's the barber, tell him to get Santa ready." " Hello?" " Where are you?" " Mum?" " Tell me where you are, sweetie." "TOM:" "Um, we're just passing the London Eye." "OK, stay where you are." "I'm coming to get you." "We just passed it." " We're driving quickly." " To where?" "Er, can I tell her where we're going?" "Lambeth Prison." "Tom?" "Well, come on then, put the lights back on." "Tom." "He's taking him to prison." "(BELLS JINGLING)" "Hmm." "Hmm." "(PANTING)" "Well, that's the only way down there." "What would Santa do?" "(BOTH PANTING)" "STEVE:" "Oh, you're kidding me." "TOM:" "There must be something here that can help us." "So, what would happen if I lowered this down here, twisted this." "(THUDDING)" "I've got friends who would love a tool like this." "All right, Tom, you stay up there and keep watch." "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "Come on, let's find him." "Transfer time, Mitchell." "Now, either you come quietly or I'll get a couple of lads and strap you to a gurney." " I'll come quietly." " Thought you might." "Follow me." "There is, of course, the option of an upgrade." "For a few quid I could stick you in the minibus instead of the..." "Where are you going?" "It's this way." "Sally, where are you?" "MAN:" "Oi!" "Ah." "Now, perhaps you'd like to tell me what is going on." "♪ (SHAKIN' STEVENS SINGING MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE) ♪" "♪ Time for parties and celebrations" " ♪ People dancing all night long - (MUFFLED GRUNT)" " ♪ Time for presents" " Don't just stand there, pops!" " ♪ And exchanging kisses" " Do something." " ♪ Time for singing" " Ah." "♪ Christmas songs" "♪ We're gonna have a party tonight" "♪ I'm gonna find that girl underneath the mistletoe" "♪ We'll kiss by candlelight" " (MUSIC STOPS) - (GROANS)" "♪ Snow is falling, snow is falling" "♪ All around me, all around me" "♪ Children playing, children playing" "♪ Having fun, having fun" "♪ It's the season - (GRUNTING)" " ♪ Love and understanding - (GROANING)" "♪ Merry Christmas, everyone" "♪ Merry Christmas, everyone" " ♪ Merry Christmas, everyone ♪" " Come here, you little maggot." "TONY:" "What reason could Steve possibly have to take Tom to a prison?" "Because he's a dishonest, irresponsible, childish imbecile." "No, no, it doesn't make sense, any of it." "Yeah, maybe the parole officer just got the wrong end of the stick." "Why would he steal a reindeer?" "Why would anyone steal a reindeer?" "(TYRES SCREECHING)" "(OSWALD CHATTERS)" "(BELLS JINGLING)" "♪ (THE DRIFTERS SINGING WHITE CHRISTMAS) ♪" "Come on, do something!" "I'll do something all right." "I'll stick you in solitary, you wretch." "What's wrong with you?" "Don't you wanna save Christmas?" "Christmas?" "Is that what all this is about?" "I hate Christmas." "If I had my way, I'd cancel the lot of it." "♪ Just like the ones I used to know" "♪ Where those treetops glisten" "♪ And children listen" "♪ To hear sleigh bells in the snow" " Where's Santa?" " I'm Santa." " No, where's the real Santa?" " He is the real Santa." "Steve." " What are you doing?" "You gone mad?" " Most definitely, mate." " Where is he?" " He's in his cell." "Come 'ead." "Come 'ead." "Have you been a good boy or have you been very, very naughty?" "♪ May your days, may your days, may your days be merry and bright" "Santa." "They must have moved him into solitary." "Or he's been transferred." "♪ And may all your Christmases..." "Knuckles." "Where's Santa?" "Steve's here to get him out." "Steve, I thought you'd let him down." "He's with Sal." "I give him a ticket out of here." "Tell me you didn't." "♪ Just like the ones I used to know" "(GROANS)" "(GRUNTS)" " ♪ May your days, may you days..." " Have you thought about dieting?" "Considering how many mince pies I eat, I think I'm doing very well." " ♪ And may all your Christmases - (MUFFLED GROANS)" "♪ Be white ♪" "There was about 15 of 'em, big lads." "I didn't stand a chance." " Yeah, all right." "Where's Santa?" " I don't know." "No, no, I really don't know." "Wait." "Write him a letter." "Write Santa a letter." "If he's close, it'll find him." "Come on." "(LAUGHS) Respect to the little man." "Tom, will you just give me two seconds to think, please?" " MAN 1:" "Search Mitchell's cell." " MAN 2:" "Right." "No, you'd best make that one." "You coming?" "No, I'm gonna stay, do me time." " (SIRENS BLARING)" " MAN:" "Any eyes on the suspect?" " BOYLE OVER RADIO:" "Negative." " Don't mess this up, Boyle." "This is your chance to shine." "Copy that." "Travelling to Lambeth Prison." " SANTA:" "What are we doing?" " SALLY:" "We're running." "I know that." "Where are we running to?" " In here." " (SIRENS BLARING)" ""Santa." "We're in the prison." "We have the magic powder."" "It's Steve." "They have the magic powder." "They're in the prison." "And how exactly is that good news?" "Oh, no." "BOYLE:" "All units be advised, prison break in progress." "Repeat, prison break in progress." "(GROANS)" "STEVE:" "Take the bag." "I'm liable to end up in prison because I think I'm gonna wring his neck." " Steve?" " STEVE:" "Where are you?" "We're just coming off Coldharbour Lane." "More importantly, where are you?" " We're not far." "Just stay there." " (TYRES SCREECH)" " Who are these clowns?" " STEVE:" "Alison." "Ali..." "Come on." " Drive." " I beg your pardon?" "Put your foot on the accelerator and drive." "He most certainly will not!" "And if you two don't get out of our car," "Tony's gonna come back there and drag you out." "Well..." "Well, um..." "STEVE:" "Hello." " Sweetheart!" " Mum!" " Steve!" " Santa!" "I knew you wouldn't let me down." " Any chance we could get going?" " Tony, drive!" "You need to take us to a park not far from here where there is a sleigh, and whilst I know it sounds weird..." " He's Santa." " He really is." "I am." "I'm not an elf." " Can everyone stop being mad, please?" " (SIRENS BLARING)" "Alison, this man really is the real Santa Claus and if we don't get him to his sleigh right now, then Christmas is cancelled." " It's true." " Go, Tony!" " What are you doing?" " No idea." "We're in pursuit of suspects, er, on Trith Street, heading west, west, west." " STEVE:" "We need to go faster." " I'm already doing 60." "Well, do 70." "(SIRENS BLARING)" "They're gaining on us." "Is that my tool bag?" " What are they?" " Pellets." "STEVE:" "You can't fire pellets at the police." "You can't fire pellets at anyone." "Reindeer pellets." "They're droppings." " Reindeer poo?" " Very gluey." "Sometimes I use it on my boots so I stick to the roofs." "Specs thought it might come in handy." "He was right." "We're being shot at!" " Yes!" " Get in!" "Well, that's three years in prison right there." "That's five years." "Request armed backup." "Repeat." "Officers under fire." "Boyle?" "Did you say under fire?" "BOYLE OVER RADIO:" "Copy that." "Officers under fire." "Reload!" "Ugh." "Ah..." "Here." "Ho, ho, ho!" "I can see you!" "Yes!" "In the face." "I'm hit." "I'm hit." "I'm hit." "I'm hit." "Boyle, you hang in there, OK?" "Help is on the way!" "Boyle?" "Boyle!" "Oh, my God." "It's poo." "It..." "It's poo." "It's poo." "Oh, my God." "It's poo." "Don't worry about that, Boyle." "Accidents happen." "You hang in there." "OK?" "WOMAN OVER RADIO:" "Officer down." "Repeat, officer down." "Ambulance on its way." "Ugh, ugh." "(CHATTERING)" "STEVE:" "How did he get the sleigh off the tracks?" "He flew it." "That is one exceptionally clever squirrel." "That's Oswald." "(SIRENS BLARING AT DISTANCE)" "SANTA:" "Hello, boys." "Oh, there you are." "Very good." "Oh!" "Lovely to see you again, my dears." "Wonderful." "Oh, well done, chaps." "Ah, Dasher, there. (LAUGHS)" " How much of this stuff shall I put in?" " SANTA:" "All of it." "I've got a very long night ahead of me." "Right-o." "So much to do, so little time. (SIGHS)" "Good work, Oswald." "Well done." "So, can I just ask, is the plan for that thing to fly?" "Oh, yes." " And, er, you're going along with that?" " Yeah." "I spent four years digging a tunnel." "I never imagined my getaway vehicle would be a sleigh." "SANTA:" "Climb aboard, Sally." "Mind the squirrel." " All right?" " (SQUEAKS)" "About your letter..." "You asked me to stop your dad from letting you down." "That's not the sort of wish I can grant." "But my wish was granted." "But not because of me." "It was because of you." "Sometimes adults aren't quite as grown up as you'd hope." "But what children teach them is love." "(SIREN WAILING)" "Come on." " It's time." " Yes." " Quick, Santa, go!" " Yes, yes." "(SIRENS APPROACHING)" "(LAUGHS)" "RUTH:" "Flick the reins and fly away?" "(LAUGHS)" "Can I have your licence and registration documents, please?" "Yes, Harry, whilst this all looks very convincing, the outfit and the sleigh, the part that doesn't stack up is why would anyone, least of all Santa Claus, turn to Steve Anderson for help?" "It's a fair point." "I came to Steve because he sees things through." "RUTH:" "Oh, he's known for his diligence." "Steve saw me when he was a child." "I'd given him a Rubik's cube." "He still hasn't managed to solve it to this day, but unlike nearly every other child in the world, he hasn't cheated and he hasn't given up trying." "Thank you for all your kind words, but I really think it's time you got going." "Oh, no." "You're all under arrest." "You don't have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court." "In that case, I'd like to say something." "Let it be known, for the record, that Steve and Thomas Anderson have saved Christmas for the world entire." "You can't take that away from them, even if you can take away their freedom." "Don't worry." "Sometimes adults find it hard to accept the magic of Christmas." "But when they experience it with their own eyes, even the coldest of hearts warm." "She won't send you back to prison." "Sit back in your seat." "Hold tight." "(SLEIGH POWERS UP)" "Thank you, both." "No, thank you." "Merry Christmas to you all." " Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "♪ (THE SATURDAYS SINGING CHRISTMAS WRAPPING) ♪" "♪ "Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong" "♪ Cos it is my favourite holiday" "♪ But all this year's been a busy blur" "♪ Don't think I have the energy" "♪ To add to my already mad rush" "♪ Just cos it's "'tis the season"" "♪ The perfect gift for me would be" "♪ Completions and connections left from" "♪ Last year, ski shop" "♪ Encounter, most interesting" "♪ Had his number but never the time" "♪ Most of '81 passed along those lines" "♪ So deck those halls, trim those trees" "♪ Raise up cups of Christmas cheer" "♪ I just need to catch my breath" "♪ Christmas by myself this year" "♪ Calendar picture, frozen landscape" "♪ Chilled this room for 24 days" "♪ Evergreens, sparkling snow" "♪ Get this winter over with" "♪ Flashback to springtime, saw him again" "♪ Would've been good to go for lunch" "♪ Couldn't agree when we were both free" "♪ We tried, we said we'd keep in touch" "♪ Didn't, of course, till summertime" "♪ Out to the beach to his boat, could I join him?" "♪ No, this time it was me" "♪ Sunburn in the third degree" "♪ Now the calendar's just one page" "♪ And of course I am excited" "♪ Tonight's the night but I've set my mind" "♪ Not to do too much about it" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ But I think I'll miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ But I think I'll miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ But I think I'll miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ But I think I'll miss this one this year" "♪ "A and P" has provided me" "♪ With the world's smallest turkey" "♪ Already in the oven, nice and hot" "♪ Oh, damn!" "Guess what I forgot?" "♪ So on with the boots, back out in the snow" "♪ To the only all-night grocery" "♪ When what to my wondering eyes should appear" "♪ In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year" "♪ "I'm spending this one alone," he said" "♪ "Need a break, this year's been crazy"" "♪ I said, "Me too, but why are you?" "♪ "You mean you forgot cranberries too?"" "♪ Then suddenly we laughed and laughed" "♪ Caught on to what was happening" "♪ That Christmas magic's brought this tale" "♪ To a very happy ending!" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year" "♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas" "♪ Couldn't miss this one this year ♪"