"[ ♪ ]" "Hey, dad," "Look what you got in the mail." "You buy one compact disc, they never leave you alone." "No, it's about your conference." "Dad's keynote speaker." "Mmm." "No I'm not." "But it has your name on it." "Baber m." "Siddiqui." "It is not me." "Huh." "Must be another Baber m." "Siddiqui." "Rayyan:" "What's it for," "An intolerant old man conference?" "I'm not old." "It's an economics conference..." "In chicago." "And I'm not going." "Why not?" "I'm not going to chicago!" "That place is full of..." "Gangsters and rum runners." "Wow, you really need to get new travel books." "What's the problem?" "Stage fright?" "Don't have matching luggage?" "Afraid you'll miss "coronation street"?" "I can't go!" "Th-the americans think I'm a terrorist!" "Uh... [ whispering ] I'm on the no-fly list." "If it were me," "I'd have whispered both those things." "Yeah." "[ ♪ ]" "Amaar, did you hear about Baber?" "He's on the..." "No-fly list." "I heard." "Baber:" "Shhh." "You tell us" "Not to engage in backbiting gossip" "And then you become the worst offender." "It's not backbiting if we're trying to help you." "Yeah." "If anything it's front-biting." "Baber, you have to fight this." "No." "Stop dredging up ancient history." "Ancient history?" "You just told us this morning." "More gossip!" "How is it gossip if you're the one who told us?" "Stop!" "Oh, now I'm gossiping!" "What?" "He doesn't make it easy to help him, does he?" "Oh, so we're going to help him?" "If one Muslim is accused," "It hurts us all." "Don't you mean falsely accused?" "[ growling ] who keeps moving my shoes?" "I suppose." "[ ♪ ] [ toilet flushes ]" "[ clears throat loudly ]" "I am not going to do this anymore." "Okay, but eventually your bladder's going to give out." "The mayor should not have to use the public bathroom." "It diminishes her..." "Mayor-ishness." "Are we talking about you" "In the third person from now on?" "I should not have to use the same bathroom" "As the voting public." "Well, yeah," "But it's only half of the voting public." "When I was in the private sector," "I had my own bathroom." "You sold vitamins out of your home." "Which had a bathroom!" "[ gasp ] why don't you build a bathroom in your office?" "You-you could have heated floors," "A bidet, a..." "A steam shower" "With those gorgeous Italian tiles..." "Ooh, and one of those dollies with the knitted dress" "That fits over the extra toilet paper roll." "Yeah..." "Okay, we could think about that." "Ah, jeez, I don't know." "Spending that kind of money..." "Maybe we should wait till after the election." "You've got toilet paper on your shoe." "Let's fast-track this." "[ ♪ ]" "Okay, so, here's the plan:" "We go to Baber's house," "We talk reason for ten minutes." "And then what?" "Then we leave." "I can't spend my whole evening on this." "We can't give up that easily." "When's the last time Baber had a chance" "To make the whole mosque look good?" "Yeah, it does have novelty going for it." "Besides, it's the right thing to do." "People shouldn't hate Baber because he's Muslim." "Mmm-hmm." "They should get to know him first." "[ giggles ]" "I don't even want to go to that decadent country!" "Baber, how many times have you been asked" "To speak at an international conference?" "Many." "A few." "It's not important!" "We should..." "Go down to the american consulate," "Demand our rights." "I know how to finesse these things." "Used to practise law." "Yes, yes, and I used to have a 32-inch waist." "Let it go." "Baber, it is your responsibility as a Muslim" "To stand up for your charter rights." "Is the right to fly in the charter?" "You could make that argument." "I think." "In a way." "Wow, you must have dazzled them in court." "[ sigh ]" "You know, this is more than just a bathroom." "It's like my own personal spa at work." "Spas are my specialty." "Mmm..." "Italian tiles..." "Ooh." "Tiles are expensive, yes." "A beautiful steam shower..." "With lots of pipe." "Yasir, wait..." "You can't do this job." "It's a conflict of interest." "What do you mean, "conflict of interest"?" "I'm your husband." "We're practically strangers." "Well, you'd have to get it done on schedule." "I'll do better than getting it done on schedule." "I'll get it done early." "Yasir, this is me." "Two weeks over." "One week." "Ten days." "One week." "You've got the job." "As long as you underbid everyone else." "Bid?" "I'm your husband." "I can't believe we talked him into it." "Well, I talked him into it." "You just sat there and drank his ginger ale." "As I was speaking," "I sipped for dramatic effect." "Oh," "And I've never seen ginger ale disappear so quickly." "As a lawyer," "I used it for rhetorical effect." "And as a doctor, I am amazed" "That the human body can absorb so much ginger ale." "You know, it's great working together like this." "Our car ride to the consulate's just going to fly by." "Oh, maybe I should pack some more cans of ginger..." "You milked it!" "Shower stall, faucets, steam unit," "All top of the line." "I'll give you the whole shebang: 4000." "2000." "Sold." "Three..." "Oh, I'm sorry," "I thought you were going to go on a little longer." "I'm in a generous mood." "You seem awfully eager to sell." "What's wrong with this stuff?" "Nothing!" "It's top quality." "Top?" "Mmm-hmm." "All right." "Look, I'll pick it up later." "But just so that we're clear..." "The whole shebang?" "I..." "I wouldn't sell you half a shebang." "[ ♪ ]" "Layla:" "Hi, Fatima." "Hi!" "Jamal," "Last time I saw you," "You were just this high." "You saw me last week." "Ah, you must have been slouching." "Go." "Go play." "Shoo." "So, you are really going" "All the way to the consulate?" "A four-and-one-half hour drive" "Is much better than having them in my house." "Amaar drank all our ginger ale." "Oh." "You'll take good care of Layla when I'm gone?" "Oh..." "Dad, I'm not a child." "Don't let her run wild." "I'm also not a german shepherd." "And if any boys come near," "You use a fire extinguisher." "Don't worry." "Layla, you promise to be good?" "Huh?" "No shenanigans." "I don't know what that is," "But I won't do it." "Okay." "Salaam aleikum." "Layla  Fatima:" "Waleikum salaam." "So, what shall we do?" "We could rent a movie." "I have some games from the old country." "We could rent a movie." "Now, ayo was always my favourite," "But there's also ludo and adi." "We could compromise and rent "jumanji"." "Ayo it is!" "[ chuckling ] huh." "You'll enjoy it." "There are 48 seeds." "Wow!" "48..." "Seeds." "[ half-hearted chuckle ]" "[ ♪ ]" "I can imagine it, the door right here." "Mayor popowicz:" "Wow," "This is a pretty competitive bid, Yasir." "Are you sure you can do it" "For so cheap?" "The trick" "Is to work with the right supplier." "And you can get it done in a couple weeks?" "Couple of weeks?" "Absolutely." "Couple of weeks, yes." "Sounds good." "Sounds good." "You keep your staff in line, don't you, mayor?" "You keep your staff in line." "All right." "You're cheapest." "You're hired." "You won't regret it." "Well, the taxpayers" "Are my bosses, and every penny counts." "Although, if anyone asks..." "You're building a homeless shelter." "With tiles." "We're over there." "Shotgun!" "Shh!" "We want people around here to like Muslims." "What is "shotgun"?" "Riding up in the front." "You cannot sit next to her." "It's too familiar." "I'll wear my seatbelt." "People will think you're Christians having a decadent western date." "They're going to think I'm having a lousy western date." "I ride shotgun." "She cannot sit with a single man." "You're a single man." "Exactly." "None of us should go." "Oh, well, maybe we should all sit in the back seat." "No, unacceptable." "I ride up front." "I'll look like your father." "Glad my father's not around to hear that." "But I said shotgun!" "[ phone ringing ]" "Hello?" "Yasir: [ on phone ] yes, Sarah," "Remember when I said the trick" "Is to use the right supplier?" "Uh-huh." "I used the wrong supplier." "Do you have to confiscate it all?" "I'm sorry, sir, this is stolen property." "But the whole shebang?" "I'm not going to take half a shebang." "[ ♪ ]" "[ ♪ ]" "Uh-oh!" "A metal detector." "What if one of us has a pacemaker?" "It is not worth the risk." "Quit stalling." "[ groan ]" "I-it is not proper for a good Muslim woman" "To go through one of those things." "How do you figure?" "She makes one beep and suddenly" "A strange man is touching her bottom." "Look, I didn't stare at the back of your head for four hours" "To turn around and go home." "Actually, you didn't stare at the back of anything." "You were asleep before we got on the highway." "Was I snoring?" "No." "You drooled on the seat a little, though." "Ew." "[ ♪ ]" "This is going to be fun." "It's fun hanging with me and my mom?" "Have you met my dad?" "Good point." "You get a day away from your dad" "And I get a day away from that seed game." "You mean ayo?" "Where did you hear that word?" "Your mom said something..." "You didn't agree to play, did you?" "I might have." "[ rattling ] [ gasp ]" "What's that?" "[ singsong ] children!" "I've got to go do homework." "Wha..." "[ ♪ ] [ beeps ]" "Welcome to the u.S. Consulate." "Can I help you?" "Yes, hello." "We would like [ feedback screeching ]" "To see the..." "Uh, excuse me." "The thing you're..." "Shrieking into, that's a microphone." "Sorry." "It's all right." "It's all right." "Uh..." "Ahem." "Hi." "Hello." "Um, we'd like to see the consul." "The consulate." "The..." "Head consul." "Smooth." "And, uh, do you have an appointment?" "Yes." "Do we have an appointment?" "No." "Well, we can't tell him that." "Should we lie?" "[ sigh ] [ muttering ]" "I-I-I can hear you." "I mean, you know..." "Okay." "Heh-heh." "Sorry." "Uh, we don't have a formal appointment." "Oh, that's no problem." "No problem at all." "Rayyan:" "Oh, great!" "Yeah." "I'll just tell you what you do." "You go home," "You make an appointment," "And we'll see you in a couple of months." "Can I speak to your supervisor, please?" "Oh, I am my supervisor." "How is that possible?" "Well, that's an interesting story," "But I can't tell you without an appointment." "[ ♪ ]" "Wow." "Ayo, huh?" "Quiet, child, I'm counting the seeds." "You can't play ayo without all 48 seeds." "You had me at "can't play ayo"." "What do you mean?" "Oh, I-I was just kidding." "Uh..." "Can't wait." "Jamal:" "Yeah, we're lucky." "We get to play ayo all the time." "I asked for an xbox for my birthday," "But I'm lucky because I got ayo." "Lots of strategy." "Good for the mind." "Strategy plus seeds equals fun." "Plus afterwards, you can eat the seeds." "No!" "You cannot." "[ oven bell dings ]" "My muffins." "Heh..." "How do you live like this?" "I retreat inside myself." "[ sigh ]" "[ ♪ ]" "All:" "[ slurping ]" "I distinctly remember you saying" "You'd take care of it." "We're not going to get anywhere remembering what I said." "What can you do?" "They are zealots." "Zealots behind glass." "You should've let me talk to him." "Oh, you think "we don't have an appointment" coming out of your mouth" "Would've gotten us in?" "Well, that is not my fault." "I thought you called them." "I'm not a secretary." "And you won't be with that attitude." "Okay, we're going back." "[ tires screeching ]" "Baber:" "My slushy pop!" "[ motor roaring ]" "[ ♪ ] [ hollow knocking ]" "It's worse than I thought." "Load-bearing wall." "I can't build anything here." "I thought you said you could already imagine it." "Yes, well, now when I imagine it, the building collapses." "I contracted you to build a spa." "Instead of that," "Imagine a toilet right here." "Right here in the office?" "Yes!" "Open concept." "No walls, no tiles, no pipes." "Okay." "Now imagine me going downstairs" "And yanking your contractor's license." "Spa it is." "Uh-huh." "[ ♪ ] [ beeps ]" "[ ♪ ]" "Well, welcome to the u.S. Co..." "Oh, I'm having a flashback." "Yep, it's us again." "No, really, no." "I think it's this sinus medication I'm on." "[ groan ] so..." "You guys got an appointment?" "No." "However..." "Next." "Next!" "Uh..." "Next!" "I'm Rayyan Hamoudi." "Well, I'm doctor Rayyan Hamoudi." "Oh, you're a doctor!" "So, you run a walk-in clinic?" "No." "No?" "So you require..." "An appointment?" "Look, our friend here, Baber siddiqui," "He is on your no-fly list." "However, he's an economics professor..." "I see." "And I can just show up at his class any time I want." "I can just show up there and he'll be teaching?" "I can just drop in, learn stuff, right?" "He really needs to go to this conference." "He's the keynote speaker." "I see." "So he was appointed, as it were," "To speak at a specific time," "And this was all arranged in advance." "This is going much better." "[ whispering ] come here." "I'm not supposed to tell you this..." "But here's what you do." "You take your friend to the airport with his ticket." "You get to the check-in," "You tell them he's on the no-fly list." "When they ask why, you explain" "That you couldn't do anything about it [ yelling ] because you didn't have an appointment!" "[ feedback squealing ]" "You're really making some headway there..." "Doc." "Huh." "You don't understand!" "Shhh!" "I underbid." "I under-underbid." "And if I'm going to do this job," "We're going to have to give up some luxuries." "Like what?" "The house." "[ gasp ] look," "I promised her mayor-ship a spa" "And I want my spa." "Her spa." "Tell her I'm not the right man for the job." "I'm lazy." "I'm incompetent." "I'm sleazy." "Plus you snore." "What?" "Oh, I just thought I'd throw that in there." "Look, you have to figure out a way to get this done." "[ sigh ] I have a backup plan." "What?" "We can go on the lam," "Like bonnie and clyde." "Do have any idea how that story ended?" "They got married?" "[ sigh ]" "[ ♪ ]" "Baber:" "Oh no, don't send Baber." "He's crazy." "Huh." "If I had gone alone," "I would have failed once," "But thanks to you, I failed twice." "Oh, ha-ha." "Oh, here's one:" "How many doctors and lawyers does it take" "To get nowhere at the american consulate?" "Hmm?" "You." "[ chuckling ]" "Yeah." "I'm going to have a t-shirt made up" "That says "failure is not an option"" "But I'm going to cross out the word "not"" "So it says "failure is an option"." "Yeah." "And this, of course, is in reference" "To what is happening right now." "[ chuckling ]" "We're going to go back now, aren't we?" "Yeah, we're going back." "[ tires screeching ]" "Baber:" "Okay, okay, okay, no t-shirt!" "No t-shirt!" "[ radio jingle ♪ ] ♪ Fred Tupper ♪" "[ ♪ ]" ""the mayo is putting a spa in her office"?" ""the mayo"?" "Oh-h!" "[ whispering ] you didn't hear it from me." "[ whispering ] right." "[ ♪ ] [ bell clanging/beep ]" "Let's go, let's go." "Oh good." "I was so worried you wouldn't come back." "[ chuckling ] yes, I know." "I am on the no-fly list" "And there is nothing you can do about it" "Because we don't have an appointment." "Thank you for being so patient." "Goodbye." "Oh, we tried so hard, huh?" "Let's go." "Wait!" "Did you say "thank you"?" "I mean, people are always just saying, you know, "do this", "do that"." ""why are you being such a jerk?"" "No one ever says "thank you"." "Course, I never give anyone any reason to." "Why start now, huh?" "Come..." "Man:" "No, wait." "Wait right there." "He's going to get a gun." "Let's go!" "[ ♪ ]" "That's right, folks, a private bathroom" "Right in her office." "Well, I guess somebody is "flush" with taxpayer money." "Ah, it's a sad "bidet" for all of us." "Fred: [ on radio ] but this ought to "plunger" down in the polls somewhat." "Call in with your own toilet puns, huh?" "[ clicks off ] [ sigh ] well, there goes my spa." "Your spa." "[ sigh ]" "All my dreams flushed down the toilet." "The same toilet everybody else uses." "See?" "I told you bringing Baber back was a good idea." "What are you talking about?" "Bringing Baber back was my idea." "I have some good news" "And some bad news." "The good news is..." "You were never on the no-fly list." "You can fly anywhere you want." "And the bad news is..." "It's hug time and I'm behind glass." "W-wait a second." "You're saying he's not even on the list?" "And it's hug time." "Oh." "[ awkward chuckle ]" "What a merry mix-up." "Huh." "Let's go." "Who told you you were on the list?" "Who told you I was on the list?" "You did." "Well..." "The important thing is" "Now I get to hop onto one of those..." "Giant metal death traps with wings" "And plunge into the sea." "[ nervous chuckle ] Amaar:" "Wait a minute." "You're afraid to swim." "Fly." "Fly." "Th-th-they try to make you feel safe" "With those fluffy seats and free food," "And pretty ladies walking up and down the aisle" "Handing out cigarettes." "Amaar:" "Baber," "When was the last time you were on a plane?" "I can't believe this!" "You dragged us all the way out here" "And you knew you weren't on that list." "Once." "You dragged me here twice." "Wow." "And I thought I was wasting your time." "[ ♪ ]" "[ ♪ ]" "I'm sorry, darling." "I know you really wanted that spa." "I just can't believe Fred would find out." "How did Fred find out?" "He's a journalist." "He probably leaked a scoop to a whistleblower." "Insider trading?" "It was you, wasn't it?" "Look, I told you" "That it would ruin us." "I've said it once, I'll say it again:" "Bidding has no place in the contracting business." "Well, can you put a spa in our house?" "Getting the city to pay for a spa in our house" "May be pushing our luck." "They're not paying, you're paying." "I like that even less." "Look, I want a spa." "Promises were made." "You promised yourself." "And I want to live up to that promise." "Don't worry, darling." "I've spoken to the mayor" "And I have it on good authority" "There's going to be a spa in city hall." "Really?" "How?" "[ doorknob rattling ]" "Mayor popowicz:" "[ singsong ] just a second." "Why is the door locked?" "What, are you taking over the whole bathroom now?" "It's cheaper than a spa." "It's really spacious in here." "I've got some scented candles and some potpourri." "Oh-h!" "Well, can I have a key?" "Sure." "Just get elected first." "[ ♪ ]" "Have fun in chicago." "[ whimpering ]" "I have a sick feeling in my tummy" "And..." "I'm overwhelmed with dread." "[ rattling ]" "Layla, time for ayo." "Trust me." "I know exactly how you feel." "[ sigh ]" "[ ♪ ]" "Look, s-somebody put these threatening cartoons in the pocket!" "It shows a plane crashing!" "Everything is fine, sir." "That's for safety." "A-and why is there no shoulder belt?" "The lap belt's all you need." "No, no, you need a shoulder belt" "Even in the back seat!" "Sir, if you don't calm down," "We're going to turn the plane around." "Well, I don't care!" "I want to be wearing a shoulder belt" "When this plane crashes!" "Baber:" "My juice!" "[ ♪ ]"