"What?" "You can't sleep?" "No, I have this terrible feeling we've forgotten something." "Let's see: trash, locks, lights... oh well, whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until tomorrow morning." "Oh boy." "Alright son...son, I think you've learned your lesson." "Ok." "Thanks, dad." "We've got to stop doing this." "Craig's dropping off my pay checks so I asked him to bring in the mail." "I ?" "think I need to cancel the Sunday paper." "Someone is going to steal it anyway." "Sounds like we've got nothing to worry about for the next 2 days but having fun." "Mum, Dewey's gonna puke." "Geez, He's done that 4 times." "I would think he'd be empty by now." "We're almost there, honey." "Just keep your head in the bucket." "Just 10 more minutes and we'll get to spend a weekend on a real Indian reservation." "Why do they have casinos?" "I don't know, son." "I just thank god they do." "Well the pool at this place just looks pretty good." "You guys are gonna have a nice time." "It's too bad Francis can't be here." "Oh don't you feel bad for Francis." "He's the one who got himself on academic probation." "Francis isn't going anywhere this weekend." "Richie, it's me." "I ditch school, my family is away for the whole weekend so I've got the house to myself." "Call Circus and Justin cos we're gonna PARTY!" "Sorry dude, they're in jail." "You're kidding." "Why?" "They got caught trying to steal the giant inflatable panther from the car lot." "Oh man, that would have been great to have." "But you'll come over, right?" "I'm not sure." "This weekend is my intervention." "How long do you think this is gonna take, mum?" "You better put me down as a "maybe"." "Oh man, did I buy a lot of pork rinds." "Oh hey, here we go." "This is nice." "I get the rollaway." "I wanna sleep with Malcolm." "Cool, I get the big bed for myself." "Not fair." "If you get the big bed you get Dewey." "That's not the way you called it, butthead." "Now boys, I'm sure we can find a fair way to figure this out." "Reese." "Malcolm, Dewey." "I'm taking a bath." "If anybody's got to go, it's now or never." "Can we go swimming, mum?" "Yeah, can we?" "And I think I'm going to take a quick look at the casino." "Hal, you've got 2 days to gamble." "Why don't you take the boys to the pool, bef..." "Hal?" "They don't do anything, they're just there..." "Hold it there, boys." "No one under 16 is allowed in the pool without an adult." "It's ok, they're with me." "Sorry, no parent, no pool." "But that's ridiculous." "We do know how to swim..." "Ok fine, we just go get my dad at the casino." "Sorry, no kids allowed to the casino, either." "I'm not gonna gamble, I just wanna get my dad." "Look, I don't make the rules." "You're just doing this because you hate kids." "I'm really not, it's just a happy coincidence." "Mum, they won't let us in the pool without an adult." "What are we supposed to do?" "I don't know." "Use your imagination." "What?" "We're on vacation." "Hey, there's dirt out there, isn't there?" "And rocks and lizards and I think a saw an old tire on the parking lot." "There are kids in the world with a lot less than an old tire to play with." "So I don't want to hear another word about it." "Yeah it's great being home." "Catch me up, what's going on?" "Well, we had Salisbury steak for dinner." "Yeah?" "With cream spinach?" "Uh huh." "That's a great side dish." "Now I know they use celery salt and vinegar with that but is that oregano that I taste or tarragon?" "Francis, I got to go." "Alright fine, put Finley on." "You already talked to him twice." "Come on, we're playing pool and I'm up." "Ok ok, play your stupid game." "I've got some serious partying to do here anyway." "Yes, I win again." "No fair, my goalie doesn't have any legs." "Hey boys." "Hey dad, how did you do?" "Well, you know Black Jack is a complicated game." "You have your ups and your downs." "So, who wants to buy me a coke?" "It's too bad you had to quit, dad." " That shoe is full of tens." " Huh?" "Tens, face cards." "Ok, there are six decks." "They already played out eighteen 9s, 14 8s, 12 7s, but only 2 10s." "A king of spades and a queen of diamonds which leaves... well, you can do the maths." "No, but YOU can." "And that's all that matters, my little genius." "Of course we're terribly sorry about this." "But you have to believe that this was a momentary lack of judgment on my part." "I realize now that using my son..." "Your underage son." "Yeah, my underage son, to count cards was wrong." "I guess I was just trying to look for an activity that the two of us can do together." "You know, it's a tough age." "Yeah, and this is really helping my self-esteem." "You see, I'm not really good at sports and this made me feel...special." "My son and I cook." "Uh, it's a good thought." "We'll have to try that." "In the meantime, you're banned from the casino." "Banned?" "Oh no no...you don't wanna do that." "It just wouldn't go over so well with my wife." "Believe me, you don't wanna see her angry." "I'm not banning her." "Just you." "Ok, look." "Let's just forget about these 3 grand I won, and just pretend it never happened?" "Capiche?" "It's very generous of you..." "You're still banned." "What?" "Alright, then give me my money back." "I'm sorry?" "What money?" "Hey, look pal." "Who said anything about money?" "I tell you I'm not that impressed with this place." "They call that a breakfast buffet?" "Not a tangelo to be found." "What are you talking about?" "Didn't you see that teepee made entirely of sausage?" "It's incredible." "I am going to die." "Why didn't anyone stop me?" "In our family, we take the phrase "all you can eat" as a personal challenge." "I know what will cheer you up." "Why don't we go gamble a little?" "Well now... who says that just because you're at a casino you have to gamble?" "I'd rather spend some more time with my boys." "Oh stop it, dad." "Please stop." "Hal, you made me sit for eight hours in that car listening to your foolproof system for winning at keno." "Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?" "We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois." "I was thinking we might go out for a hike." "Ok, what have you done?" "What do you mean?" "Why are you avoiding the casino?" "Well sweetheart, we could sit here and I could tell you all about it and you might find it all very amusing." "Or you could think about the fact that I'm offering to take the boys off your hands for the whole day." "Don't forget the sun block." "Alright, group." "I just happened to find a brochure in the lobby for the old Adiablo ghost town just a 5 mile hike from here." "What's a ghost town?" "What do you think it is?" "It's a town full of dead people." "Why can't we just go swimming?" "Oh, we can swim at home." "Where?" "Come on, it will be fun." "Look, they have a real working old tiny ice cream parlour" "WE`RE GOING." "What are you doing here?" "Shouldn't you be in military school?" "Shouldn't you not be in my father's robe?" "That is neither here nor there." "You are in big trouble, my friend." "I'm in trouble?" "Yes, big trouble." "I'm telling your mother." "No." "I'm telling my mother." "That's my toast." "We'll split it." "I don't it." "The map says the ghost town is only half an inch away." "Dad, we're lost." "What sounds more idiotic?" ""Let's go to the desert, kids!"" "Or "good idea, dad!"" "Hi, mum." "Dewey, what are you doing here?" "I thought you went for a hike with your father." "I couldn't." "I don't like ghosts, they eat little boys." "That's ridiculous." "There's no such thing as ghosts." "Except for that one that will get you if you go up on the roof." "Come on, you're too young to be in a casino." "Oh, maybe I'll turn in my free spin." "That's right lady, nobody goes home a loser." "(Oh God, I'm ruined!" ")" "Ok, let's give it a whirl." "Wow, look at that." "You have won our champagne dreams package for two." "An entire day of his and her spa treatment followed by an evening with dinner and dancing." "Well that's just perfect." "My husband's out on a hike and we're leaving tomorrow." "Relax, lady." "It's good for 6 months." "6 months?" "I had to work 6 months all overtime in a crummy drugstore just to pay for this trip." "Have you ever had to recommend a haemorroid cream to a complete stranger?" "Do you want the prize or not?" "You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders." "Tell me about it." "Alright, now listen." "Come on, let's just all get our bearings here." "Alright, here's the sun." "What is it telling us?" "That it's hot." "Hey, is that a fence over there?" "By god, you're right." "See, I told you we weren't lost." "Then where are we?" "By the fence." "This is a sure sign of civilization." "I say we go in." "Come on." "Come on." "Wait a minute." "What if we're already in and instead of going in we're actually going out?" "Son, sometimes the genius thing gets a little annoying." "Come on;" "let's just keep thinking positive thoughts." "Listen to that." "That's a plane." "Help!" "Help!" "Here, we need help!" "Oh, we're lost!" "Oh, for the love of God, help us!" "Oh, shall we?" "I can't believe this." "I bought my own bus ticket home to spend the whole weekend with you." "I hear you." "It's a shame you had to spend your own money." "I discovered a way you can travel for free through the Internet." "What?" "Hacking into the airline's reservation system?" "No, that's illegal." "I go to a chat room and pretend to be a really hot 18-old year girl." "I'm Debbie." "Blond, naive and I love to wear sundresses." "Right now I'm having a lot of problems at home." "Dad's so mean." "I'm going through all these changes." "All these strange new feelings." "He just doesn't under..." "The free travel?" "Right." "Debbie goes to this chat room." "She gets really friendly with some lonely guy." "Before long he's willing to pay for a visit." "Right now I'm sitting on a ticket to Tampa." "But you make sure he buys Debbie full fare coach with no restriction." "She may look good in thong, but she's no dummy." "Sweet." "I'm thirsty." "Yeah, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used it to write SOS in the sand." "Oh I see." "You people let me carry the water and all of the sudden I'm an idiot." "Malcolm, Reese, relax." "We've got nothing to worry about." "Everything's gonna be fine." "I just want you to know that I love you boys very much." "He keeps saying this." "Oh great, now I'm hallucinating." "I see a cougar." "Don't be stupid." "That's a puma." "Ok, everybody ok?" "Yeah, I think so." "Oh my god, where's Dewey?" "Oh my god." "Oh my god!" "He's back in the hotel." "Ok then." "Everything is fine." "Dad, a cougar just blew up." "I meant besides that." "That's not good." "Cougars just don't blow up." "As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind." "Reese, that's insane." "I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you." "Okay, there must be some explanation." "Okay, it could have been caused by a blasting cap left by a miner although the explosion was much too big." "Perhaps the cougar ate some dynamite." "That's ridiculous." "Maybe it's just a mirage, although a mirage usually doesn't ends up all over your shoes." "Which leads me back to the Reese thing." "I accept your apology." "Oh, that feels so good." "I mean you read about celebrities going to spas and enjoy these kinds of treatments, but you marry young, you start spitting out kids, you can kiss that kind of thing goodbye." "Don't eat the cucumber slices, honey." "Ok." "M, Z, R, Y, C... nice try." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Mzryc." "It's another military term." "You know, the helmets that horses wear." "Oh, right right right...this is nice." "Hanging out on a Saturday playing scrabble, couple of guys relaxing." "So your folks get along ok?" "What?" "Nothing." "Here we go." "Read it and weep." "C, A, T...hey that's 2 cats for you, that's great," "Just playing the tiles I'm dealt." "So, uh, you pick up any bad vibes here on the home front, you let me know, right?" "Why?" "Hey, take it easy cowboy, just making small talk." "Ok, I guess they're doing fine." "She's a strong little lady that mother of yours." "Sure we have our moments at work, but you can't stay mad at this woman for long." "You don't have to live with her." "You just don't understand her." "What's to understand?" "She's a total control freak." "Maybe she doesn't get the support she needs here at home." "I wouldn't know since she sent me to military school." "Because you're a spoiled brat." "And I'm pretty sure that mzryc ends in a k." "Look." "It's a house!" "Yes, come on!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "They're sitting at the table." "They're just ignoring us." "Because they think we're trying to sell them something." "Hey we're lost, a cougar exploded." "Can we use your phone?" "Sorry, we hate to barge in but this is kind of an emergency..." "Well, this is a little weird." "Ok, I just figured this out." "Run!" "We are on an artillery range." "That's why the cougar blew up." "It was hit by a shell!" "Are you sure?" "Pretty sure." "Of course we're terribly sorry about this and we realize that fences are there for a reason." "However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence we weren't sure if we were going in or out." "You wanna explain the theory, son?" "Not really." "This is a highly classified testing ground." "And I could very easily detain the three of you indefinitely for national security reasons." "You know what nobody has mentioned?" "That this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us." "I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed." "Well, the great thing about this trip is, the next time I hear we can't afford to go on a vacation" "I think I'll be ok with it." "I trust everything went well for you and your handsome gentleman friend." "He is handsome, isn't he?" "Can I have some ice cream?" "You can have anything you want." "Tonight is our special night." "Hello?" "Dewey?" "Oh thank god." "Look, I only get to make one call so put your mother on so she can come get us." "Who was that?" "Wrong number." "Thank you." "My foot is killing me." "Oh, let's be brave soldiers, boys." "We might get there after dark but we've got plenty of water and we'll be ok." "Tell us the story again, dad." "Please." "Yeah, yeah." "Alright, one last time." "Dewey is tied to a post in the burning sun." "He's covered entirely in honey." "Even his eyes?" "Even his eyes." "Oh oh, what's that behind him?" "A million fire ants!" "Hungry fire ants!" "With sharp little mandibles and itchy feet..."