"Salute the sun." "Salute the sun." "Salute the sun." "Child." "Child." "Darling, can you help me?" " What?" " Come and help Mama, sweetheart." "I want to change position." "My foot's wedged up my lower chakra." "oh!" "Still, never mind." "Couple of weeks, I'll be bendy like Madonna." "Able to kiss my own arse from both directions." "Look at this one, darling - corpse." "In my dreams." "Om!" "Om, om!" "You're not supposed to inhale your oms." "I can inhale my oms if I want to." "I can pull them in and push them out wherever I want." "Darling, did you know that yogis can breathe through any orifice?" "They can be buried for 40 years, darling, breathing through a straw sticking out of their pundada." "This kitchen is filthy!" "What did you do to it last night?" "Will you stop clearing it up, darling?" "I'm trying to Jamie Oliver it up a bit." "Ad me mates around." "Burnt pork chops, fresh 'erbs, fresh 'erbs!" "Oing down the dogs." "Will you stop that?" "I've got a meeting here." "You are going to work today?" "Yes." "Someone's got to, haven't they?" "Will you check on my webcam and see if Bubble's in the office?" "Do it yourself." "My hand's still bad." "I don't know what it is." "I think I might have trapped a nerve." "This is my new website, darling." "I've diversified." "I'm a multi-tasker." "It's the new thing - fashion, PR, design." "I've got a TV production company." "got my fingers in lots of pies." "Darling?" "Eddie Pie ands!" "You haven't produced anything." "Oh, but I am a brand." "I've been branded." "Like some old heifer!" "Anyone can shove an antenna up their bum and call themselves a channel." "Oh, look." "Look at that." "What's she doing?" "What's she doing?" "It's ridiculous." "I paid thousands to have that updated." " What am I paying Damon for?" " Mum, will you please just go?" "All right, sweetheart!" "I've just got to call my life coach, darling." "got to get my daily aim." "You should try it." "I've got my two life aims, you know?" " Yoga is one." "You are witness." " What's the second one?" "Christmas with Sting and Trudie Styler." "hello." "Julia?" "Edin... have a great idea and write a pop song." "Thanks." "I've got to have a great idea and write a pop song." "Can't be hard." " Ey, baby..." " not here." "not here." "I've got a meeting here." "You've got a meeting." "not another of your committees?" "Your voluntary unpaid committees." "What have you done since the Body Zone?" "nothing." "Slave labour for new Labour you are." "I am getting a job." "That's the meeting." " Paid?" " Yes!" "good." "Frankly, darling," "I don't mind subsidising some fat old couch potato who wants to sit around reading magazines all day." "In the business I'm in, we need that kind of person." "But when somebody deliberately over-educates themselves out of the possibility of useful employment," "I take issue." "You can tell that to your new improved sparkly Labes." "If I get the job, I'm out of here, that's my life aim." "Christ!" "I thought we left her in the last millennium." "Is there no justice?" " Another sponger." " What a night I've had!" "I've taken up guacamole." "guacamole, dear." "It's very sexy." "You mean salsa, gran." "She knows that." "She knows." "I thought that was a dip." "She knows." "It's salsa!" "She's just doing it to annoy you." "I know that." "I've got enough years under my belt to know that." "You're calling that "years" now, are you?" "I thought you were preparing for a hard winter." "Stop her!" "They used to predict the weather by you." ""She's designed for hibernating," the neighbours used to say." ""Stock up with coal if you can't see her nose by October. "" "I know I shouldn't laugh, but really." " Oh, what's this?" " Be careful, gran." "Be careful!" "This is a new kitchen." "There's a vegetable place and a meat place." "Bleed on the meat place." "I don't want it splattered with your liver spots like 101 Dalmatians." "You used to have one of these when you were a girl." "Yeah, but I was never allowed on it." "You were too big for it." "You wobbled." "The scooter wobbled!" " If you say so." " I have perfect balance." "Look." "Wheels don't buckle on their own." "See that?" "now you know why I have to take it out on you, darling." "Cycle of abuse, isn't it?" "What job is it you're getting, darling?" " It's a government initiative..." " government!" "...for the promotion..." " Oh!" "...of British arts and culture abroad." "British arts and culture, is it?" "British." "Is that the new PC, flagless, sexless, OK, anodyne, milky-white" "British new Labour brand?" "What are you doing?" "I've come to pick up my Es." "I'm a silver surfer." "not on my waves you ain't. get off." "Then I thought I'd do some shopping." "Oh, god. no wonder all the dot coms are going under." "It's mainly oldies who shop on the web." "Virtual shopping for those with no grip on reality, isn't it?" "What is my e-mail address?" ""Old woman at risk of being strangled by daughter." "Com"!" "Eddie!" "Eddie, prepare yourself." "Pats, Pats, Pats. goody." " What's happened to your face?" " Darling, I told you." " god, that's fabulous, darling." " Did it last night." "Doesn't it take a couple of days to kick in?" "This is the business." "I got it from my friend at the lab." "What's happened to your face?" "Darling, she's just had a bit of botox." "O, it's not botox." "It's parralox." " You look like a zombie." " She still has emotions!" "She just doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles." " I'm happy." "Can you tell?" " no." " Money well spent, Eddie." " I'd say, yeah." "Did you test it?" "how did you test it?" "have you seen her hand?" "I mean, do you know what that stuff is?" "Darling, it's natural." "Fresh from the jaws of an anaconda, isn't it?" "It's a chemical weapon!" "They make it at Porton Down." "It's developed for use in Iraq." "Why shouldn't we share our beauty secrets?" "If it's good for Saddam, it's good for us." "I mean, who wouldn't risk a little dose of gulf War Syndrome for a wrinkle-free hand..." "forehead, sweetheart." "You look like a haggis with pointed toes." "A tight bladder skin holding together rotting old offal." "Your father was always partial to a bit of that." "Is this your idea of cheating death, by embalming early?" "Self-emtombment, available at a cosmetic surgery near you." "Well, have you finished?" "Right." " We don't have to go to a surgery?" " no, it's only a needle." "You don't need an O-level to operate a syringe." "There'd be a social revolution if you did." " Yeah!" " I've got to get dressed." "HI!" "I'm Katy Grin and these are carpets!" "Come down now to Carpet Madness!" "It's carpets!" "It's madness!" "Carpet madness at Carpet Madness now!" "Just carpets!" "It's madness!" "Madness now!" "Sale starts Friday." "Did you know Katy Grin is Bubble's cousin?" " Who?" " Katy Grin." "My new TV partner." "Mum?" "Come here." "Don't get your face paralysed." "Promise me." "Yeah." "I promise, darling." "I promise, darling." " Not that I care." " Understood." "We'll need to pick up a couple of syringes." "No, darling." "I don't think so." "Clean ones, Eddie." "New ones." "Oh, Eddie." "Eddie?" "What, darling?" "Do you want the toilet?" "No." "Where's the car?" "Chris, is this for me?" "Where's the...?" "Did Bubble order this?" "I'll call Bubble." "Sending a little Munchkin car." "Are you coming, Chris?" "You'll have to get in the back, Pats." "Ow, ow, ow!" "I'm going to call Bubble." "This is ridiculous." "No higher with your stiletto." "Just keep your legs in the back." " This is perfectly ridiculous." " I've got it now, Ed." " Half car!" " I'm quite supple." "Hey, baby" "I'm just driving down the road" "Looking..." "Driving down the road" "Looking at the things" "Looking at the people, looking at the road" "Looking at the handle on the door..." " not very catchy, Eddie." " No, it's not." " I'm here!" " Your empire awaits!" "ha ha!" "I was driven here in a liquorice allsort." "I think I've got deep vein thrombosis." " We've been pointed at all the way." " It's your promotion." "The Air Aware Week." "Clean up the atmos!" "That's your promotion." "Oh." "Well, where is everybody?" "They're waiting for you in the TV meeting." " Oh." " The drain storm." "You don't have to do that." "What is that?" "Charity, charity, charity." "Every abnormal skin cell now has its own première." "Look at this." "Celebrity fun run for anyone who can't form a scab." "And meeting with Twiggly." "Oh, and you're on Richard and Dudey... tomorrow morning." " Richard and Judy?" " To push the Radical Gay Pride." "Richard and Judy." "Fist Across America." "Richard and Judy?" "I know them." "We stayed friendly." " I should be doing that." " They wanted me." " But it's a TV thing." " It's a PR thing!" " You on TV, Eds?" " Yes." "Eddie Pie Hands." " I think you'd better..." " o." "Ow, get these off to the nanny, will you?" "And tell her that if he doesn't stop crying, she can take him to the doctor." "How can a baby cry like that?" "Is that a cigarette?" "And booze!" "Oh, come on, partner!" "Let's get some TV on the road." "Come on." "Put it out." " I hate smoking." " Five minutes." "I'll be back." "Well, this is very nice." "Yes." "It's my mother's." "I'm just here until I can afford to leave." "Wanting to shake off the shackles of privilege." "But no, it's OK now." "You're allowed to be rich." "In fact, I think we encourage it." "Well, I'm not a champagne socialist." "Bolly Bolsheviks!" "I don't even drink." "Gran, I think you should go." "That's my gran." "She's not dependent." "Great to see a..." "Um..." " Older person?" " Yes." "Couldn't think how we say it now." "Yes." "An older person using all the new-fangled technology." "I think I'll leave that now, dear." "It does get a bit boring." "Oh, I know." "Once you're stuck in a porn cycle, you can be there for days." "go home now, gran. go home." "good luck, dear. he's very nice." " Is she here?" " She'll be out in a minute." "Am I blinking?" " Botox?" " No." "Parralox." "Well, does exactly what it says on the tin." "And put more into production." "Put them on the website." "Things for Twiggy." "Quiz for Twiggy." "Twigs for quigly." "Twiggy." " Hello, darling." " This is why I've come." "Since I took you on, nothing has happened." "You promised me TV vehicles, but all I've had are black and white cabs at my door day and night." "It's Bubble." " A quiz, yeah?" " Yeah." "I quite like that." "What else?" "Come on, you've had months!" "Look, darling, I thought a change of tack here." "Change of image." "Radical Gay Pride." "Fists Across America." "You are a gay icon." " Am I?" " Yeah." " Damon!" " Coming!" "Twiggy." "Anyway, it's Richard and Judy, darling, tomorrow, with me." "Oh, I don't know." "They wanted Kylie and I said, "No." "Twiggy." "She's got class. "" "Well, I have." "She doesn't have to wear microshorts wedged up her chocolate starfish." "No." "Free car." "All right." "I'll do it." "I know Richard and Judy, so let me do the talking." "You just sit there." "OK." "I'll get the details to your people." " See you down the late Bar later." " All right." "Twiggy!" "How are you, darling?" " Sorry?" " Katy." "We did the lottery show together." "You released the balls." "Twiggy!" "Put our name on the door at the late Bar." "Put your name on the door." "Do a bit of shopping, go home and change, go to the late Bar." " That's great." " That stuffs kicking in." "great." "Rgreat, Eddie." "Thank you." "Do you think you're going to take that job?" "Well, if it's offered, yes, which I think it will be." "he said it's unusual to find someone with all the qualifications and no home commitments." "I think he liked you, if you know what I mean." " I don't think so." " Oh, yes, he fancied you." "No." "I don't think so." "I've touched a nerve." "Saffy's got a boyfriend." "Saffy's got a boyfriend!" "You're going red." "Do you want to kiss him?" "Do you want to sex him?" "Sorry." "Twiggy has put my name on the guest list." "Twiggy!" "Put my name on the guest..." "How do I know I'm not on the list if you won't show me?" "Who do you have to be to get a drink here?" "Excuse me." "I, Paul." "Victoria!" "Victoria!" "I know..." "I know her mother!" "We'll go round the back." "Go round the back to the toilets." "Candy will let us in." "Candy Bender?" "She said she'd be in the right-hand cubicle." "She should be here." "All right." "On one condition." "You have to take Fisty when I go to Barbados." "Goodbye, Minge." "Thanks, darling." " Have you got my stuff?" " Yeah." "Stuff for Candy." "Don't know what's happened to our membership card." "Vomit on the left, Pats." "Who were you talking to?" "My schoolfriend Minge." " Oh, Minge." " Know what she wants me to do?" "She wants me to invite Vic Hervey to her 21st bash." "As if I'm not enough." "I mean, I'm an IT girl, aren't I?" " What's the criteria?" " You have to be an IT." "Oh, yeah." " There we go." "Come on, Pats." " I've cancelled a cancer ball." "Twiggy!" "Darling, I'm just going to get a drink." "Are you going to the Black and White Ball at the In and Out Club for Minge's 21st?" " What?" " The Black and White Ball." " Where?" " The In and Out Club." " Who?" " Minge!" " I don't think so." " Bitch!" "Twiggy!" "Twigs!" "You didn't put our name on the door." "Oh, sorry, I forgot." " Where are you going?" "go, stay." " What?" "It's really late." "I think I'm going to go home." "I'll see you tomorrow." " Tomorrow?" "What?" " Richard and Judy." "I'm doing Richard and Judy!" "Will you be all right?" " Yeah, I'll be fine." " Will she?" " Yeah." " See you at Richard and Judy." "Sparkle!" "Sparkle!" "Eds, I can't open my..." " It's just a little..." " Very good." " It's just that..." " Very good." "That's better." "So... a job in the arts." "Does your mother know you write plays and things?" "No." "She wouldn't be interested." "You are to say nothing!" "I don't speak to her." "Not since she gave me that chemical peel." " Well, not so much chemical." " No." "And not so much peel." "She set fire to your pigtails." "It's a good job I'm thick-skinned." "Except for this shoulder." "Was your therapist any good?" "Yes, really nice." "It was actually quite helpful." "You should go." "No!" "Never!" "I don't need any help." "I can sort myself out." "You've got to get out of here." "I love it here." "I love you actually." "I do." "I think you're fantastic." "Hey, Michael, Michael." "Give me a kiss." " Get off." " A little kiss, Michael." "Security!" "Hey..." "I was going to give this one to J. Lo." "This could do something for you." "Yeah." "OK." "Oooh, baby..." "So not "ey, ooh now"?" "Oooh..." "Looking at something outside..." "Security!" "Should it go like that?" "I think we should." "Attica and Chinawhites?" "Cabaret." "I've got you, Eddie." "Don't go that way." "We'll see those bouncers." "Oh, that's where that vomit..." "Eddie, Eddie." "Oh, all right." "Oh, god, honestly, darling." "I mean, that club, that club is just full of people..." "Just 'cause they're on TV they don't have to go out through the vomit." "They're famous people, yeah." "You're on TV tomorrow, Ed." " TV tomorrow." " get your face out there." "I could do that, couldn't I, darling?" "I could do that." "Don't let Twiggy do the talking." "I could do that." "I could get my own style challenge show, couldn't I?" "You've always been style challenged." "But TV puts on two stone." "Every wrinkle turns into a Grand Canyon." "Eddie, I think..." "No, darling." "I think..." "Eddie, I think." "Oh." "I'm going to be a star." "Just give me five minutes, Eddie, will you?" "get a drink, sweetheart." "See you in five, Ed." "Mum, come here." "I want to look at you." "Had a great day, darling." "Life aims, daily aims." " All complete." " Come here!" "What?" "This?" "Always the little policeman, aren't you?" "Well, not for long." "My job interview went very well, so you'd better get used to the fact that I'm not going to be here." "Oh, good." "Because if I'm going to be a celebrity, it would look pretty sad to have some big daughter still at home." "Unless you've got M.E." "We need a break, don't we, darling?" "We need a clean break, you and I." "Remember to empty all your ashtrays." " Don't sit on your feet any more." " I won't, darling." "I'll set up a food delivery service for you on the Internet." "Yum yum." "I'm going to bed." "You won't be here tomorrow?" "No, darling." "Tomorrow, no." "I'm fisting it on Richard and Judy." "Tomorrow I begin the harpoon ride of my career." "Eddie!" "OK, Eddie." "It's not going to hurt." " I'll go to sleep." " All right, darling?" " Yeah." " Little jab." "Did you feel it?" "No, nothing." "Oh, that's the pillow." "It's just going in now." " Ooh..." " It's all right, darling." "I'm going to concentrate on the nose and lips." "That's where we want to see it." "There, darling." "That's good, darling." "I think we'll put a little bit here because that's where..." "There we are, darling." "That's good, darling." "And up here." "That'll stun out those lines, darling." "And er..." "Oh, it seems to have gone." "I'll mix up some more, Eddie." "I'll mix up some stronger." "Stronger round here." "Stronger around here." " Well..." " I can go at the drop of a hat." " In fact, I could go now." "Please." " Well..." "The job is yours." "I knew it!" "Brilliant!" "Oh, thank you!" "Thank you!" "Thanks!" "Oh!" "This whole initiative is really close to Tony's heart." "Yes." "Actually, Tone said he'd love for you to have dinner with him and Cherie at The Ivy one night." " If he can make it." " Oh, yes." " Cherry is my..." " Sorry." "It's Cherie." " Oh, yes." " Sorry." "She's my role model." "My god, this woman needs help." "No, no!" "Saffy, help Mummy... help Mummy." "You don't understand." "She's not normally like this." "She wants you to help her." "There's nothing the matter with her." "But she's a..." "She's a..." "Oh, Christ!" "What do we call people like this?" "She's not!" "She's just doing it... for attention!" "I'm very sorry." "No, I really am sorry." "I didn't mean to hit her." "I just..." "Please." "Oh, please help Mummy. help Mummy." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "It was the injections." "You can stop now, he's gone." "I told you that stuff was dangerous." "She shouldn't have gone to sleep." "It sunk." "She loves the bracelets." "She's looking at the diamonds." "Are you looking at my diamonds?" "You've got taste." "You've got lovely little socks, haven't you?" " We've an interview to do." " Let's bring Twiggy in." "She likes you too, Judy!" "Would you like to hold her?" " I'd love to." " Yes, you hold her." " Of course." " All right, Mimi." "All right, sweetheart." "Haven't you two done well?" "I mean, how do you keep it up?" "I really don't know." "Oh, don't start that!" "Sit up!" "Shut up!" "I'd like to get you" "On a slow boat to China... no, no, no." "That's my favourite melody, and it's reining me back to the champers." "Oh, Bricey boy. how about making me your official arm candy?" "Oh, Dolly, you're too fruity for me." "I fear we must keep our relationship professional." "Out on the briny..." "Oh, you can stop singing, honey." "he's not interested." "In you perhaps." "Let's dance, dear." "I think it's time for another of those pills." "get me a couple, honey." "They'll help with your periods." "Oh, right." "Mr Whatchacaller, what you doing tonight?" "hope you're..." "I've no knickers on!" "hope you're in the mood because I'm feeling just right how's about a corner with a table for two?" "Excuse me." "I'm trying to work and I can't because of the noise." " Oh." " Oh." "I'm sorry, Saffy dear." "It has got a little bit out of hand." "Perhaps you could do something and get rid of them?" "It was Dolly." "She's got a terrible voice." "It was you I heard singing, gran, so I don't think that's fair." "Oh." "hello." "Brice." "Brice Michaels." "I'm most awfully sorry." "The girls are spinning somewhat." "Tails in the air this evening, I fear." "It's all right." "Is Mum home yet?" "I don't think so, dear." "Brice runs the Supporting Artistes Agency." " My card." " Extras." "non-speaking actors." " In the Chamberpot of Secrets." " Harry Potter." "The Chamber of Secrets?" " It's only pin money." " Yes, but we enjoyed it." " Pin money?" " No." "Hot dog!" "I say, what a smashing nightie." "Hey!" "Don't let your lazy eye wander." "I'm a Muggle." "Oh, here they come." "It's my daughter and her friend." " Tinkety tonk!" " Your cue to leave." "They don't frighten me, so don't let them bully you." "Admire your crust, but I'll take the opportunity to bid you goodnight." " Yes." "Come on, Dolly." " Chariots ahoy." " What the hell are they doing here?" " Trolls and vampires." "Where have you been?" "Where have we been?" "Marilyn Manson concert." "Where do you think?" "We've been moshpitting it." "Eddie, I'm a mosh queen." " Yeah, I'm a mosh queen, aren't I?" " Well, well..." " Apart from that." "Ow." " What did you do?" "She tried to crowd surf and the tide went out." "Yeah." "The sea just parted." "I don't know how." "They'd never seen anything that old flying at them." "Look at that little face." "You don't know what we're talking about, darling." "Want a drink, Eddie?" "Yeah." "What have you got?" "Veuve and Bourb." "Veuve and Bourb." "have a bit of Veuve and Bourb." "It's all the new stuff, darling." "You know, Slipknot, Papa Roach, Korn." "Makes the Sex Pistols sound like pop music." " Listen to that." " That's mine!" " I only borrowed it." " next time, ask!" "I'll ask." "Please." "There." "What do you think?" "What do you think?" "!" " It's just swearing." " It's ironic." "I love it." "I love it." "Darling, darling..." "Wait till I turn it on." "hang on." "Oh!" "Ow!" "Sorry, sorry." "You've got caught up." " Ow!" "Eddie, what are you doing?" " Sit down!" " What are you doing?" " Sit down." "What have you done?" "Oh, you've got a tiny little knot, sweetie." " I'll cut it." " O!" "It's mine." "Let me try." "O!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" " I haven't even touched you." " Oh." "It's tangled in your necklace." "Lift your hair up." "No!" "I don't know what you've managed to do." " Take the scissors." " Don't give her anything sharp!" "Do you have to be that close?" " I can be closer." " Eddie!" "have a drink, darling." "We are stars in that dope show, aren't we?" "Hey, do you think we should go and see the Stones on tour?" " I think they're a bit sad." " Sad, yeah." "We don't want to look sad." "What's sad is you saying sad." "Tell her not to speak." "I can feel her dog breath on my neck." "We are not sad." "We are still hip to the beat." "We are still out there." "My flash it is the lick, buddy boy." "All right?" "Hip speak." "What is it you say?" "Time is like a stretched elastic band." "You can't let it go or it'll flick back and take your eye out." "There you go." "Rockers should stay rocking or die." "Or choke on their own vomit." " Overdose into the Hall of Fame." " Yeah." "Ot play golf, not retire, not fish!" "Not fish." "Darling, darling..." "Not Roger Daltrey!" " Not fish farm!" " Not fish farm!" "They should die with a needle in their arm, not a hook in a trout." "That man just went from Tommy to tuna." "And what he used to be!" "We won't be fooled again!" "At least old Macca's back on the scene." "Old Paul McCartney." "Macca." "In his trainers." "I should have had him, shouldn't I?" "I chased him hard enough." " The Beatles went for odd ones." " Yeah." "Like Yoko - just that wall of hair." "Couldn't tell where the pubes ended and the feet started." "Sort of yeti, wasn't it?" "I wouldn't have been happy." "I'm too red-blooded for Macca." "I'd never be happy with just a sort of..." "Vegetarian sausage." " Keep still!" " I am still!" "She's very still." "Patsy's very calm, darling." " Thank you." " What are you on?" " Rohypnol." " Oh, it's working." "It's working." "Why aren't you dead?" "Sweetheart!" "Because she started young." "When other kids were pinning the tail on the donkey," "Patsy was looking for a vein." "It wasn't a question!" "Don't speak, and keep your face away, and your... your hair!" "My hair isn't anywhere near you." "Your face hair." "What, darling?" "Keep your face hair away from her." "What are we going to do this week?" "I don't know, Eddie." "We need a plan." " Are you on holiday?" " No." "Not "on holiday", darling." "We're just taking a little break from the 24/7 hedonistic lifestyle." "Are you here this week?" " Yes." " Always here." "Always here." "Actually, darling, Patsy and I had a little idea about how you could earn a bit of money to leave home." "Oh." "We thought you might sell your eggs." "Everyone's doing it on the Internet." "You pop 'em out and sell them to the highest bidder." "Don't include a photo." "Might put off a prospective purchaser." "What's your problem?" "You don't need them." "In fact, we could get a little pinhole camera and do a virtual tour of your ovaries." "People could pick their own." "Pick your own eggs." "Have a little sign." "£10,000 per punnet." "What about that?" " I don't feel very well." " Can I help you?" "I think I'm going to faint." "I'm going to throw up." "It's only Patsy." "What?" " What?" " Oh, damn." " What?" " Lid's come off my Amyl." " Let me know if you need anything." " Thanks." "Who's that?" "Saff!" "Saff!" "Saffy!" " Saff!" "Didn't you hear me, darling?" " Yes." "There is a man..." "Building..." "All right." "Man not building motorway through house." "Then why man standing there measuring?" " Morning, sweetheart." " Morning, darling." " Where did she sleep?" " In that little room." " The utility room?" " My room!" " No!" " Oh, darling." "Just for a week." " Come on, sweetheart." " What man?" "The gardener." "He's doing the garden." "What garden?" "I think she means that bit out the back." "The garden." "I'm having it redesigned." "Oh, "having it redesigned. "" "I think somebody's been watching too much of those TV shows, darling." "What's that woman called?" "Two udders and a watering can." "Oh, yeah, Charlie Dimmock." "Charlie Dimmock, sweetheart, is it?" "Are you paying this man?" "His company." "He runs the company." " What's his name?" " Jago." " Jago." " Jago Balfour." "Jago Balfour?" "Jago Balfour, Eddie." "He's running this company?" "Yes." "He seems very nice." " And is he well..." " hung?" "Oh!" " I didn't mean that." " Is he well bred?" " Bred." " Posh?" "Yes, I suppose so." "He went to Eton, but it doesn't seem to have affected him." "Eddie, Eddie." "Jago Balfour." "I think I knew his older brother." " That can't be..." " Yeah." "Doggy Balfour." "Doggy Balfour." "He had this huge estate out in..." "He's absolutely rolling in it." "Do you think this is the same Balfour?" " Check him out." " Check him out." "What are you doing with that?" " I'm going to give it to Jago." " I'll take it out." "Can I borrow your placky booties?" "All right, darling." "I'll take it out." "Well, go on." "It's upstairs through the French windows." "I knew it was upstairs!" " There you go." " Thank you." "Very kind." "It's my garden." "Oh, right." "I think it's lovely." "That was just my daughter." "Do you do it yourself?" "What...?" "The garden." "Yeah." "I love it." "I love all this um..." "You know, all the stuff." "Those things." " The green." " Yeah." "Ooh, darling, ooh!" "I can't believe you let me go out looking like this." "Did you ask him?" "No." "We just talked about the garden." "It's quite nice out there actually." "It's quite nice." "Darling, he's quite nice out there." "Oh, really, sweetie?" "Oh, good, good." "He's too young for you." "Anyway, how would you know?" "Because, darling, I am an experienced woman, all right?" "Besides, he had on quite tight jeans." "Could you see his bog bamboo?" "Yeah." "I got a little hint of an acorn." "It's disgusting!" "Why don't you just let him get on with it?" "He's quite lovely." " Let's get you dressed." " Get me dressed." "Right." "Here I go." "Va va voom, darling." "Va va va voom." "Va va va voom." "Just remember the plan of action, Eddie." "OK?" "You go for him, and step two - the house party." "The house party." "What's step three?" "Step three is to rut him and beget the son and heir." "In fact, that might be step two." "Oh, right, right, right." "Darling, if he's the younger brother, he won't have inherited." "O, darling." "Doggy's dead." "Overdosed." " Hurrah!" " Yeah." "Good, good." "Go for it!" " Plans for the garden." " Right." "Let's have a look." "Maybe I should show them to..." " Was that your mother?" " Yes." "Sorry." "She didn't look old enough to have a daughter as old as you." "You might be confusing age with maturity." "She made me this old." "I'll wait for her." "She's getting dressed." "She'll be hours." "It's OK." "Yeah." "Poor old Doggy." "But, still, the parties." "The parties he used to give made Satanism look like a bar mitzvah." "Doggy chasing every orifice no matter where it was." "And after dinner, brain surgery - trepanning the skull for fun!" " Ooh." " Oh, Doggy." "Yup, he lived the way he died." "I can see him now just quite still in the bath." "A stiff with a stiffy and a smile and a little fleck of foam at the corner of his mouth." "Sweet." " We could have servants, darling." " Oh, yeah." " Butlers, maids, houseboys." " Houseboys." "A lot of servants." "What do you call it when it's a lot of servants?" "Er, an orgy?" " I want just squares." " Can we just soften the lines?" "Oh, I've got an idea." "Please don't say water feature." "It's just a pebble bubble fountain." "It's just a hose coming through some pebbles." "Look, why don't we just wait for your mother?" " What was her name?" " Edina." "She was lovely." "It's a lovely name." "It was Edwina." " Look, she'll be hours." " It's OK." "Oh, dear." "The girls not here?" "I've got a minibus waiting outside." "Ah, there you are." "These are for you." "Best put them in some water." "I am sorry for last night." "Is it all right if I wait?" "I'm running a bit..." "Oh, tinkety tonk." "I say, how do you do?" "My card." "I've got to go." "Will you be all right?" "She'll be down at some point." " Right as rain." " Fine." "Just waiting for the ladies." " I." " I." "I. I." "Oh!" " This is Patsy." " I." "I've got the plans for the garden." "Ooh." "They look lovely." " Are you Doggy's brother?" " That's right." "Where are those girls?" "Hermione's waiting outside." "Put her teeth in back to front." "Looks as if she's eating her own head." "Will you wait somewhere else?" " All right." " No, no." "Stay." "Stay." "Right." "As you can see, I've made some suggestions for plants." "Er, endymion hispanicus, dierama pulcherrimum, galtonia candicans, fritillaria imperialis, acanthus hirsutus, wisteria sinensis Alba..." "Veronica beccabunga, digitalis purpurea, serringa vulgaris, forsythia intermedia..." "Cruising." "That's the hot ticket these days." "Will you wait over there?" "Ships the size of blocks of flats, but marvellous." "They treat you very well." "Clematis Jackmanii superba." "Edera helix." "But you don't get a porthole." " You have a wonderful aura." " Thank you!" "Eccremocarpum scaber." "Festuca glauca." "You have really lovely eyes." "Pennisetum, villosum, pulsatilla." "And he doesn't have a wheel." "Just um..." "Immaculata." "A computer mouse." "That's all I need." "Will you go out?" "!" "Oh, you beautiful doll!" "No, you should go low." "You were always lower." "No." "My range has never changed, dear." "A range has more than four notes." "Girls, girls." "Get rid of them before I deadhead them." " Can we have some pills?" " I'm getting them." "What pills?" "give me those." "What are you taking?" "You can't have that." "That's my emergency HRT..." "Oh." "Come along, girls." "I'm on a double yellow." "Emergency RT." "I don't need it." "I won't need it for decades the way my juices are flowing." "Don't overdo it, Eddie." " I can't do this." "You take over." " No." "My tactics are working." "I don't want an audience." "Get out." "Talk some more Latin." "I love it when you talk Latin." " Why don't we continue this later?" " What?" " I've another job to go to." " O#h." "Would you have dinner with me?" "I know it's out of the blue, but I'm only in town for a few days and..." "Well, er..." "Well..." "Well, er, yes!" "Great." "I'll give you a ring." "Pull." "Pull." "I don't think I've got pelvic floor muscles." "I can't feel any movement there." "You've got to practice." "You haven't had kids." "I've had two heads through mine." " Mine's more a one-way system." " Yes." "I can still blow smoke rings through mine." " Are you doing it now?" " Oh, yeah." " Let's get those tits up, darling." " Tits up." "Ot the straps." "I've got an inflatable thing." "It's a new blow-up bra." "Tube." "Just blowing them up, darling, for tonight." "For my date with Jago." "O, don't include her." "To keep on schedule, you've got to go for it." " Go for it." " Are you her coach?" "No, darling." "It's only sex, innit?" "It's only sex." "It's only..." "Sex!" "Sex, is it, darling?" "Why are you hatching this plan?" "You hate the country." "Not the kind of country he's got, darling." "Patsy and I were in the country last week." " Were we?" " Ireland." " That celebrity shoot." " Yeah." "Patsy shot a Corr." "I was aiming for Bono." "Anyway, you'll have the house to yourself a bit more for your writings, your little scribblings." " Then, sleep with him." " Thank you." "I will." "I think I might become a hot couple." "Don't you think?" "Me and Jago - hot couple?" "Get in all the magazines, play polo..." "Always going for the end result without the process." " I like results, darling." " Yes, but life is in the details." "Now you've lost me." "Anyway..." "Mum." "Oh, no." "Look at that." "I know what that is." "That's the "You are going to use contraception" face, isn't it?" " Well?" " No, Eddie!" " Beget the son and heir." " Oh, beget the son and heir." " No!" " Yes, darling." "It's all right when you have a baby now." "You can choose." "You came before the right to choose." "Nowadays, you just sort of hand in an order form." "You just get a little chart - skin tone, eye colour." "You get it genetically modified." "No chance of another hideous accident." "Don't be so ridiculous." "Oh, that's him!" "That's him." "Go and answer it." "Wait a minute!" "When I come back, I don't want anyone here." "Now, Eddie, keep focused, darling." "Keep focused." "Tonight you're going to knock him dead." "No fancy moves, just knock him dead." "Aah." "I. I. You look lovely." "I had to borrow some clothes." "I had nothing in town." "Off you go, Eddie." "See you later." "Don't let me keep you." "Haven't you got a play to write that nobody ever goes to see?" "People do go and see them." "Yeah, I'm a kind of vegetarian." "It's just that I eat meat." "I never have, but I have been known to nibble the odd ear lobe." "Come in, come in, come in." "Have a seat." " You look tense." " No, I'm fine, really." " I do a great back massage." " Oh, yeah?" "What about the fronts?" "Come here." "Oh, look at that." "What are you thinking?" "I was thinking, do flowers have sex?" " Yeah." " Oh, yeah." "With bees." "I remember." " Come on." " Oh." " Wait, wait." " What's the matter?" "It's just er..." "I am quite big with my clothes off, you know." "Come here." " It's just..." " Let's go upstairs." "Yeah." "Let's go upstairs." "What a mess." "What a mess." " I like you looking wild." " Yeah." "Looking wild." "Don't be nervous." "Relax." "Like Saffy says, I always want to cut to the result, not the process." " I'm going to make another joint." " Yeah, let's have a joint." "Here we are." "Saffy's put some mints out for me." "There's some papers in the joint box if you want to roll us a joint." " I'm going to get undressed." " Let me undress you." "No." "There is a skill." "I thought you were downstairs." "Go in the shower, go in the shower." "Get in the shower!" "There." "There." "Now stay there." "Come and smoke this." "Coming!" "Just getting undressed." "Eddie?" "I hadn't quite finished." "There, there." "Now, don't listen." "Stay in here and don't watch." "There we are." "Oh, you're that side." "I'll come round." "Just left enough on for you to play with." "Tits, lips, tits, lips." "Oh, that's nice." "Oh, joint." "I love you the way I love trees." "You know, when I touch a tree," "I feel connected, you know, to the ancient." "Oh." "I believe there is a divinity in every natural living object." "You are my high priestess and I am your high priest." "What?" "When all my thoughts are exhausted," "I like to slip into the forest and gather a pile of shepherd's purse." "Like the little stream winding its way through the mossy crevices," "I too quietly turn clear and transparent." "Yeah." "Talk the Latin again." "I love it when you talk Latin." "Chaenomeles speciosa." "Kerria japonica." "Clematis jackmanii superba." "Edera helix." "Ydrangea petiolaris." "Oh, yes." "Love the Latin." "Love the Latin." "Mine are the forests and the streams and the rivers and the mountains." "Mine is the cup of the wine of eternal youth." "All is come from the cauldron of Kevidwen, and I will know." "Rut her." "Rut her." "Rut her." "Rut her." "So mote it be!" "Morning." "Morning." "I think I was a little stoned last night." "You were wonderful." "It's good stuff." "I grow it on the estate." "Yeah." "I was wondering, do you ever get lonely in that house?" "Not really." "What, that huge house?" "That huge house and huge estate?" "We were thinking maybe come out this week..." "Well, I don't live in the house." " What?" " I live in the gatehouse." " With all that money?" " There is no money." "Doggy put it all up his nose." "I had to sell the estate." "I sold it to Roger Daltrey." "It's now a..." "It's a fish farm." "No!" "Shame it didn't work out." "Still, he did say I was wonderful." "No, Eddie." "No." "He said it, darling." "He said..." "No, darling." "I was there." "Is it going to be a pond or a bird bath?" "Oh, it's a pebble bubble fountain." "The water spills out over the stone." "It's very contained and safe." " What's the point of that, dear?" " What's the matter with you?" "She's having hormonal cold turkey." "Deserves it as well." "Time for another drinky before we go." " Where are you going?" " New York." "They don't let people with drug convictions in." "Darling, it's not a conviction." " Just a firm belief." " Yes." "Oh, Eds, photo shoot in Paris has a ring to it!" "Bubble, just try them again!" "To have their photograph taken with me for the magazine." "Here's my list." "Liv Tyler, Kate Beckinsale..." "All right." "Emma Bunton." "Try Emma Bunton." "What magazine is it, darling?" "It's Tatler or Harpers." "The wonderful thing is it's not my magazine." "I have no responsibility." "I'm just going to be a model, modelling." "Who's in charge of it, sweetheart?" "Candy Bender." "Candy de Denison-Bender." "Try her." "Oh, try Chloe Sevigny." "She might want to be my daughter." "No, it's for Paris tomorrow." "What do you mean?" "Today!" "Darling, it's today!" "It's too late." "Too late." "Forget it." "Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!" "Oh, darling, who was that?" "Kate Beckinsale, Chloe Sevigny, Thora Birch and Emma Bunton." " You know what this means?" " What's that?" "Saffy's going to have to be my daughter." "Never mind, Eddie." "Now, hurry up." "Erin said she's going to meet us at the Eurostar." "Eddie, hurry up!" "gloves, scarves, shoes." "gloves, scarves, shoes." "Oh, a model's life." "Ciao." "Professionalism, punctuality, and..." "More lips, more face, more nose, sharper cheeks." "Darling?" "Pats, Pats, Pats." "For Saff?" "Yeah?" "Fabulous." "You're fabulous." "Saff." "Saff, Saff." "Saff, darling." "It's only me, darling." "It's all right." "It's not all right." "What do you want?" "It's time to get up." "Come on." "We're going to Paris." "You promised you'd do this for me." "Come on, darling." "You said you'd get someone else to do it." "Well, I tried Liv Tyler and Kate Beckinsale." "Joke." "I know it's not." "Oh, don't go limp again!" "Come on, get up, get up." "Day in Paris." "You can look at things." "Come on, sweetheart, darling." "You are my daughter - sad, but true." " We will be back by tonight?" " Yes." "Just one day." "Come here, sweetheart." "Look." "Mama's left some clothes for you." "All right?" "That'll be lovely on you." "Look, sweetheart." "And don't worry about all this." "They'll sort all this out." "OK?" "get dressed, sweetheart." "I'm your mother." "I have seen your tits before." "No, you haven't." "We've all got 'em, darling." "Come on, quick, quick, quick." "Speed, speed." "Darling, is this an article or the whole edition?" "Candy says it's the whole edition." "Generation Flex." "Your bit will be just a little insert." "The fashion - that's me and Erin - the spreads." "The cover." "Oh, Eddie, modelling again!" "Going on a photo shoot." "It's just like the old times, babe." "Do you need all this stuff?" "It's only a day." "Darling, as a model, you have to be prepared." "Good nails, teeth, hair, and a look that says to the photographer," ""There's nothing I won't do to make your life easier. "" "Yeah." "That's lovely, darling." "That's gorgeous, love." "Beautiful." "Say Thursday." " Thursday." " Lovely." "Say Thursday again." "Thursday." "More movement, love." "Beautiful." "Thursday." " Thurs..." " Why is she coming?" "She's doing the fashion thing with Erin O'Connor - the face of now." "Same as us." "Young and old." "You're not old, Eddie." "Did you hear that?" "What are you wearing?" "What are you wearing?" "Look at this!" "That shirt is trying to strangle you." "Why does everything you wear look like it's bearing a grudge?" "You've got a wardrobe full of little murderers." "Look at them." "Who else is doing our article?" "Jerry Hall's got Lizzie Jagger." "Goldie Hawn's got Kate Hudson." " Ivana's got Ivanka." " Inevitably." " And I've got little Erin O'Connor." " Erin." "It all sounds sad." "It's not sad, actually, darling." "It's all about this great idea." "If you can be interesting at 20, you can be interesting at 30, 40, 50, 60." "Eddie, I'm 42!" "Well, I hope I'll be more interesting." "Well, hallelujah!" "Don't we all?" "Anyway, once a party girl, always a party girl." "If you can still get a straw up your nose..." "The world is your toilet seat!" "That's Candy Bender." " She's the fashion..." " Deputy sub..." "With the magazine, anyway." "Go and answer the door, darling!" "Tell him we're meeting Erin at the station!" "Oh, Erin, sweet little thing." "She just worships me." "She thinks I'm cool." "I'm a bit of a role model here." "Shut up." "Shut up about Erin." "Now, where are my G-string panty pads?" "Ooh." "What are you doing?" "Well, I'm not dressed like this to stay here and eat whelks." "Hello, darling." "Can you get rid of that for me?" "A little present from Fisty." "Come on, guys." "We're going to be late!" " We're coming." " Erin's meeting us at the station." "Who's the photographer?" "Lichfield, Bailey?" " Rimmer." " Rimmer?" " Dazed And Confused." " Like Patsy." "Oh, Rimmer!" "Rimmer." "I love Rimmer." "And, darling, what's the mood?" "Yves St Laurent..." " I love it!" "... trailer trash." "I'll sort it out when we get there." "You!" "What are you doing here?" "You silly tit, dressed like a tit." "You're not coming." "You haven't got a ticket." " You have to be chipped!" " Chip!" "Chip!" "She's talking to you." "Actually, has your dog been chipped?" " What?" " They won't let it in." " Are you sure?" " Yes." "A dog needs its own passport." "Erin?" "No, we're meeting her at the station." "I must ring Minge." "Get her to look after Fisty." " Chicken licking!" " Undo your top button!" "I'm not asking you to get your tatters out." "Just undo your button." "Got everything?" "Oh!" "Money, tickets, passport." "Bring those, Dave." "Put this there." "Oh, Erin!" "Erin!" "Erin!" "Patsy." " Bit bloody early, isn't it?" " Early?" "In my day, this wasn't early, this was yesterday." "Do you know Rimmer?" "Yes." "I love Rimmer." "Do you know Candy?" " No." " Lady Candida Denison-Bender." "Candy de Bender." "Candy Bender." "I'm afraid I don't." "Shall we?" "Yes." "Oh, just us." "Just us." "Erin, Erin." "Bitch, Minge." "Minge won't take Fisty." "You'll have to go without me." "Tie him up here and we'll pick him up later." "No, don't." "I know how that feels." "Rimmer knows what he's doing." "He'll be fine." "That's a nice little bag." "I've got a little bag." "Shame she couldn't come with us." " What's this?" " It's a guide book." "You are not bringing that with you." "No!" " But I want to see Paris." " Put that away!" "Put that book down, will you?" " She's a friend of mine." " She's a friend of mine, too." "Rimmer, did you do Jerry Hall and Lizzie Jagger?" "Were they outrageous?" "They were great." "They had a real kind of machismo bitch thing going." "Put the passport down." "No one wants to see that." " Can I see your photo?" " It's awful..." " I'll give you mine." " It's Rosa Klebb!" "Yours can't be bad." "Pretty, isn't she?" "God, you're much younger than me." "Living with my mother makes me look old." " Look at mine." " I love that angle." "See mine?" "My face doesn't normally look like this." " It's too close to the camera." " It's a good photo." " The photographer caught something." " Syphilis." "Stop it!" "Will you just grow up?" "!" "Who's Rosa Klebb?" "Why does no one ever mean anything to you?" "Rosa Klebb was the ugliest woman..." "The second ugliest woman in the world." "She was in that Bond..." "Who was the Bond in that Bond?" " There's only one Bond, darling." " Erin, Sean was the Bond." "Sean?" "Right." "I think that was before I was born." "That's lovely." " Pats?" " Yeah?" "We're still in the tunnel." "Where are we going?" " Here." " Café de Flore." "Yes." "Go on, little man." "Put it on for fun." "No!" "I am not your accessory." "To get rid of that death pallor!" "I'll do it myself!" "What is wrong with this?" "Tell her." "Look, no." "I shall do it myself." "I've got everything with me." "I've got shoes, bags, scarves, gloves." " Patsy." " Yes, darling." "I think they just really want a clean look." "Clean?" "I know what clean means, darling." "I'm in the business." "Clean means..." "It means you look like nothing." "You look like a little smudge." "Because some talentless misogynist wants you to look like shit!" "No, no, no." "Rimmer, do us first because we're ready." "I know." "It doesn't get much better than this, I'm afraid." "Get off!" "Doesn't it make you sick sometimes to be made to look as though you've been dragged out of the gutter or been shooting up in some toilet in some soiled Agent Provocateur ripped T-shirt?" "Oh, Erin, Erin!" "No!" "Not you." "Not you, Erin." "Darling, not you." "I was just thinking back to when we were models." "We had to be glamorous." "We were goddesses." "Me and Shrimpton, and Twiggy, and Peggy Moffit," "Veroushka and Annegret," "Lauren Hutton." "That was New York, Paris and Rome." "I've got to do the models first." "It's a mindset thing." "What models?" "It's not just those two." "Foale and Tuffin, mink hems and patchwork panne velvet." "I don't think it was quite like that." "Annegret!" "Come on, Patsy." "Pull yourself together." "Annegret, what's wrong with her?" "I don't know." "I employed her because she said she was a friend of yours." "I hardly know her." " What are you doing here?" " We're doing this generation thing." "We?" "But it's only moisturiser." "It's not make-up as such." "Erin, you look gorgeous." "I hope he lets me keep this top on." "It'll be freezing." "And what'll I be wearing?" "No!" "Eddie!" " You'll be all right." " Eddie!" "I'll send up some champagne." "No!" "No!" "Let's have doo croissants and doo cafes." "Deux cafés, deux croissants." " That's so embarrassing." " It's not embarrassing." "Not as embarrassing as you looking like some tourist, darling." "You see everything but yourself." "You always have the best view because you're not looking at you." "Put that away!" "Put that away." " Where are you going?" " I'm not sitting here all day." "They're going to phone us about the photo." "Then let's go." "I want to see Paris." "I'm going on my own." "You are not because you will do a runner!" "I know you." " What?" " Vous n'avez pas payé Ià haut." " He wants you to pay." " C' est pas payé Ià haut." "Les medames sou la scalatier pay." "I will not wear denim!" "Ask Erin." "Erin knows about me and denim." "Champagne, champagne, pronto." "Sou scalier." "Champagne." "If that bitch comes near me with a wet wipe, I'll shove it up her arse!" "Where do you want to go?" "The Louvre?" "Arc de Triomphe?" "Notre Dame?" " Seen that." " When?" "I don't believe you." " I saw it in London." " What?" "With Danii Minogue, darling." "The church!" "not the musical." "You haven't seen the church." " The church." " Right." "Then you'll have to follow me." "OK, girls." "When I say it..." "Are you ready?" "And turn!" "OK." "One more time." "No smiling this time." "Let's do it." "Give me mood." "Face that way." "Wait for me to say it and... turn!" "Right, you." "I don't like what you're doing - all this with your face." "Fromage frais!" "Why do we have such crap when everything here is so nice?" "Mm?" "They dress their meat better than we dress ourselves." "You could take a lesson from that." "Dead flesh with dignity." "Dead but with dignity." "When I die, I want to be dressed by a French butcher." "Some people think you already have been." "Look, darling." "Duck à L'orange with tangerine accessories." "We just have crap." "Patsy, you don't have to smile like that." "I wasn't smiling." "I just shouldn't be standing next to Daphne!" "If she wasn't your friend, I'd get rid of her." "I hardly know her." "Come on!" "One more time." "Get with it." "Face that way." "No smiling this time." "One more." "And turn." "Why don't we stop somewhere?" "Look, darling." "People with bent legs sitting on strange wooden artefacts." "Café." "Sit." "God, shops." "Look, darling." "Shops." "Those are the same shops you have in London." "You can shop in London." "I don't want to go to a French Virgin Records or a McDonalds or a Walt Disney Store!" "We're living in a global shopping mall, and you still think there's a bloody exit." "Little man." "Oh, God." "Where are we going now, darling?" "You are allowed to walk slowly." "It's not against the law here." "What's in your rucksack?" "Crampons to conquer the Eiffel Tower?" "Darling, darling, don't go so fast." "You'll lose me." "Lose you?" "They can see you from space." "You and the Great Wall of China." "Oi, Rimmer, are these two really necessary?" " Oh!" " Oh!" "Thank God for that." "It is you." "What's the matter with you?" "You look very faint." "Like the photocopier is running out of ink." "Like you've been roneoed and roneoed and roneoed and roneoed over and over... and this is the very last copy." "I am looking into the future and it's not very pretty." "Why can't we have any fun?" "Why can't we go on the wheel?" "Stop it!" "Stop moaning!" " We're going to go to the gallery." " No." "And if there's a queue, we can have a nice cup of tea." " No." "Ah..." " Sit in a nice garden." "Look who you've turned into." "Look who you've turned into." "Come along, Edwina dear." "One more attraction and then it's back to the campsite." "Daddy will have the tea on." "The flask is quite empty now." "I don't like their milk." "It's not disinfectanted." "Like them, dear." "Don't let them catch your eye or they may say something to you." "Oh, here's your lunch." "I would have had it filled, but your father had the phrasebook." "Come along, dear." "We are sophisticated human beings, darling." "We don't need this!" "All right, then." "I don't want to be like that." " What?" " I mean, what should we do?" " What?" " What would you and Patsy do?" "Oh." "Well..." "Patsy?" "Well, it's a city full of beautiful shops." "We'd go shopping." "Have a drink in a bar, go shopping, few little things, shopping, drink, shopping, drink, lunch at Costes." "Shopping, stop for another drink, then we'd go up the Eiffel Tower and get our tits out." "Oh, all right, then." "Let's do it." "Let's do your day." " There you go, darling." "Cheers." " Cheers." " Cheers, sweetheart." " Mm." "It's very nice." "That's wine, sweetheart." "Yes, I know." "It's a very good Chablis." "It's overpriced." " Sweetheart." " Sorry." " I like these lamps." " Yes." "Don't change the house again." "No, I won't, darling." "I won't." "I won't." " It is just the two of us." " Yes." "Christian!" "Christian!" "Christian!" "Ello!" " I'm not wearing your clothes." " I'm so happy." "That was Lacroix." "I know, Mum." "He made my wedding dress." "Look at that Buddha, sweetheart." " I wonder how it got in here." " Do you?" "Better not let the Taliban know it's here." "You put yourself in that line." "Very nice, very beautiful." "Get in order in a line simply from youngest to oldest." "How many times do I have to explain this?" "I'm 42!" "You wish!" "So what makes a place "the place"?" "You mean the place to be?" " Well, you do, darling." " Oh." "No." "Not you, darling." " No, I know." " Who goes there." "Buddha understands me." "Buddha understands." "Darling, if you have a fatwa on you, does it make you fat?" "No." "Will you tell Patsy that?" "Patsy?" "Oh, Smasher Distel!" " Patsy Stone?" " Oi!" "Patsy?" "Oh, sorry." "I thought you were someone else." "This is lovely." "Look at that fireplace." "Sh, darling." "Just relax." "They know it's lovely." "They don't need you to tell them." "Look down your nose a little bit at it." "Stop it." "Open the menu." "Open the menu." "When the waiter comes, read something off the menu, don't ask about it." "It's all good food." "Mesdames, bonjour." "Vous avez fait votre choix?" "Aricots verts." "Vous les voulez chauds ou froids?" "It's OK, Mum." "Une minute, s'il vous plaît." "Je vais demander à ma mère qu'est-ce qu'elle veut manger." " D'accord." " Aricots verts." "I'll choose it." "Alors, ma mère va prendre la salade aux haricots verts suivie des noisettes d'agneau, et moi je veux les champignons farcis et comme entrée le risotto." "Et pour commencer un bon Chablis, et puis avec les entrées, un Chateauneuf du Pape." "Très bien." "C'est la première fois que je suis ici - c'est magnifique." "Merci beaucoup." "You paid for my education." "Don't look surprised." " But..." " It's just a language." "You just have to learn it." "It doesn't just happen because you wear the right shoes or smoke the right cigarettes." "It's very boring, I'm afraid." "Call him back and say something else." " No." " Go on, darling." "You sound quite interesting in French." "It suits you." "You should always speak French." "That's my daughter." "Parler Panglais." " Go on." " No." "Tell me off, darling, in French." "Go on, darling." "Go on." "In French." "Go on." "Pardon?" "I hate all these new magazine styles, don't you?" "They're so brutal... and ugly." "I think they're fantastic." "I love young things." "Hey, Rimmer." "I love what you do, babe." "What do you want next?" "I want you to not touch me again." " Is that nice?" " Mmm." "Delicious." "Is that Stella?" "Darling, is that Stella?" " Who?" " Stella McCartney." "Oh, it's Stella." "Leather, leather, leather, leather!" "Get rid of my shoes." "Oh, God." "Why won't that woman ever speak to me, darling?" "Mum, you've got meat in your hair." "Oooh, disgusting." "Never mind." "I am old carcass eating old carcass, darling." "What are they doing about the photo?" "Bubble was going to call me, wasn't she?" "Go call." " I'm going to the toilet." " to the Louvre." " No, to the..." " It's a joke, sweetheart." "Mummy's little joke." "Quick Pompipoo in the Louvre." "OK." "Hold the signs up." "OK." "You - you will wear that." "If you read it, don't - you don't want to know." "You're second-hand cars." "It's a tableau - transversitality thing." "Young models, old models." "Don't look at me like that." "It's ironic, OK?" "Ta da!" "It's not very high." "It's not the height." "It's just the..." "The tits out?" "There are so many people." "What people?" "I see no people." "I see no people." "I see no people." "What's our philosophy, darling?" " I know." " Come on." "I'll never see any of these people ever again." "It's our philosophy of life, darling." "Come on." " I'm not sure." " Oh, sweetheart." "Do you know what I'm looking at here?" "It's a prisoner." "You're a prisoner." "Do you know what your cage is?" "Other people's eyes." "Why do you care what they think?" "They're keeping you in this cage." "This is a release, sweetheart." "Do you think Patsy and I go up there to be rude, sweetheart?" "No!" "It's a release." "Your tits are the key to your cage, darling." "Keys, keys." "Come on, let's go up." "Come on." "Mummy and daughter do it." "Just like any old mummy and daughtie." "Go on, sweetie." "We'll just dump the shopping at security." "Come on." "Dancing, dancing, dancing." "No, not you dancing." "Just me dancing." "Get to the top and just do it." "Just do it." "Undo the buttons." "Then we'll go to the second floor." "I don't know if they take you right up any more." "Here we are, darling." "This is a good place, isn't it?" "This is a good place." "Here." "There aren't many people around." "Ready?" " All right." " Release yourself, sweetheart." "Are you ready?" "OK. here we go." " Undo your buttons." " Are you...?" "Yes." "I'm going to lift mine." "Bit of a flasher." "Ready, ready?" "Ready, darling." "And... go!" "Where's your bit, darling?" "Erin and I are going to do a U.S. Exclusive." "It was Erin's idea." "She loved the pictures." "What a wonderful day that was." "Paris!" "Saff?" "Ooh!" "Sweetheart!" "Darling." "It's the magazine, sweetheart." "It's not as bad as you think, honestly." "Look." "They put the staples through me." "Come on." "Here it is." "Here it is." "have a look at it, darling." "Just have a look." "Sweetheart?" "FM and Loaded want you to do a cover." "Hi!" "This is me." "This is my camera." "This is detox." "I'm two weeks in, and I've got..." "Just got the one week to go." "I've lost quite a lot of weight already." "I'm feeling a little, you know, spaced." "But I've got a little thinner." "Look at this." "Look at this." "Look at body, body, body." "Body a bit thinner." "Um..." "I'm going to show you the before, so you can see what I was like before." "Here we go." "Here's my before." "Tits..." "I don't think I've ever seen down there before." "I can see underneath my tits, my titties." "Have a look and see what that looks like." "This is better." "I didn't like that last day one." "This is day one." "This is where it will start." "This is better." "Day one." "I've been keeping a diary of my progress, so we'll see how it goes." "And it all started the night before the day you've just seen - day one - on a girls' night out." "Which is every night 'cause no one's ever got a man." "I mean, look at these men in here." "These are successful men and look at their women." " Carers!" " Hostesses, not wives." "A successful man - and they are the only attractive ones - does not want a successful wife." "Not a matter of want." "Even a successful woman needs a wife." "Someone to be there for them." " Look at these." " Trophy wives." "Trophy wives." "They're women who filter the world for them as though it's a sort of complete mystery." "They choose the tie and hide things around the house so that only they know where they are." " I've done that!" " Bloody hell." "You know the ones I hate?" "The ones at parties." "Go to a party, you want to meet the man - no!" "She's got to take you over to him." "Come and meet him." "He adores you." "That sounds like some good friends of mine." "Itt makes a man feel cherished." "Cherished?" "They're just manipulating the world, so it's a complete bloody mystery to him." "She's the only one who will ever understand this extraordinarily complicated menu that she has written." "Before you know it, they're all film producers." "Darling, it's no mystery." "Come on, Eddie, tuck in." "It's no mystery." "Two winners don't get on." "It just doesn't work." "It's the same in all relationships." "If you put racehorses together, they kick the shit out of each other." "Tom and Nicole." "Bruce and Demi." "Liam and Noel." "Disaster." "What a racehorse wants is a donkey - a little donkey, a goat, a little companion." "I need a slash." "It's the same in all relationships." "This little glib phrase that Patsy says like that, but..." "Why didn't I feel good enough about myself to think that I could be the racehorse?" "I think i'm the donkey." "I don't want to be the fat donkey." "I want to be the racehorse." "I suppose it's not impossible for two donkeys to get on." "I think you're horrid because if you perceive others as failures, it makes you feel better about yourself." " Well done." " Nonsense." "That's magazine speak." "No." "I wrote about it in an article." "In a magazine." "You have no idea of the pressures I've been under." "You dance like an angel on the pinhead of success for so long, and the moment you're out of the spotlight, they cut you down." "But I think you'll find I was always generous in my professional life." "You ask people who worked with me." "Dawn French!" "I'm going to have your guts for garters." "Horrible!" "Well, everyone has their crutches." "Security blankets." "Being mean is yours." "I've got one of those by my cooker." " No, no." "That's a fire blanket." " Oh, right." " Toss!" " Exactly." "I mean, not everybody has them." "I haven't got one." " Oh, don't worry, Eddie." " What are you talking about?" "What?" "You're fat." "Fat!" "Surely you can see that." "We can't miss it." " What's yours, Patsy?" " Well, it's obvious." " What?" " It's your fringe." "Oh!" "The 60s forelock." "Push it back." "Let's see what you look like under there." "No, don't touch me." " No!" " Come on." "For heaven's sake, Patsy." "No!" "These things can't be taken too quickly." "At least you can pin your fringe back, whereas you can't pin your fat back." "You are mean!" "Epiphany!" "You see, that was the kickstart." "I wanted to fit in those stalls with the racehorses." "So I decided to reinvent myself - restyle myself." "The new svelte, tanned, smooth, luggageless me." "There was something about it, I don't know what it was." "There was just something about that word." " Detox!" " I want to detox." " It's just another fad." " I agree." "No one diets any more." "You're not fat, just full of toxins." "Just full of poison." "Well, that's not news." "Now, look, this is my book." "I can work upside-down." "Plenty of practice with Blue Peter." "Now, it's basically just eat meat and drink water till you need a B12." " Drink water." " So no more booze." "What about exercise?" "No one's going to the gym, so I want to do the one that, you know..." " Boot camp." " Yes." "Military fitness." "Military." " Mum, this is madness." " Darling, this is my life!" "In three weeks, I want to be on the cusp of organ failure." "Good for you!" "I want my body just to be a relief map of veins." "I want to be an X-ray with a pulse." "Even your cells can't eat that fast." " Eddie, we hate these women." " Do we?" "Looking as though you've shoved your tits into a pencil sharpener." "It's all right for you." "You've always looked like that." "You're probably like me, Patsy." "I mean, sometimes I just forget to eat." "Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974." " Well, there was that crisp." " Oh, yes, the crisp." "Poor old Patsy." "She couldn't keep anything down." "She lost most of her back teeth to stomach acid." "At least I didn't drink my own piddle." "That was a very mean trick." "I hope that was my piddle, was it?" "I've done every diet." "I've done the hay diet, the cabbage diet." "The blood group diet, where you have to eat the food your ancestors would have gathered." "My ancestors were whale gatherers - thanks to you!" " I've done combining..." " Combining food with alcohol." "Three meals a day is what you should stick to." "Three good meals a day!" "And then they had sex!" "There, that's a good scene!" "Your stomach's like a dog that doesn't know when it's going to be fed, so it hangs around until you want to kick it." "That is it." "That is it!" "I am going to do this." "I am going to get thin." "Witness." "Witness." "Witness." "Witness." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on, let's go." "All right." "Three bird knees." "Here we go." "Three bird knees." "Up in the air." "Squat, then star jump." "Squat thrust, then star jump." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Keep moving." "Come on!" " Come on." " I've got snot all over my face!" "You will never get there if you don't do it." " I can't do it!" " Just do it." "Up you come." "Well done." "Down you go. good stuff." "Move on." "and on the bar, chest on the bar, and down and up..." "It's enormous!" " Come on, concentrate." " Come on." "Third time lucky." "Come on." "Let's do it again." "Come on!" " Eddie." " Don't!" "Cheers, darling." "Don't!" "Don't want it." "Don't want it." "Don't want it." " I don't want it." " Good for you, Mum." "You've changed your tune, darling." "Anyway, I'm going to be thin." "I'm going to do thin things, you know." "I want to be sort of eri bendy." "I want to be sort of hip hanging." "I'd like to take my clothes off and not be marked by them." "I never thought it worried you." "Yeah. 90% of awake time and 100% of sleep time I worry about it." "Eddie, you look fine." "You dress like..." "A fat billboard." "I know!" "Is that why you wear labels, so the designer takes the blame?" "Clunk clunk!" "It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out." "DKY bosoms." "Not mine." "Dolce and Gabbana fat thighs." "Not mine!" "Oh, Eddie, this is no fun." "I know it's no fun, darling, but it's dieting." "I have to diet." "Must think about dieting." "What are you eating?" "What are you doing today while I'm dieting?" "I met an old school friend, so he's coming round later." "I met him at the Royal Court." "I finished my play..." " Oh?" " Oh." "They might be doing it as a workshop in the studio." "Oooh!" "If he's at all good-looking, have sex with him." "I'm worried your business is going to heal over." " Hello." " Hey, how are you?" "Fantastic." "Wow!" "Like it." " I cannot believe we met like that." " I knew it was you immediately." " You haven't changed." " neither have you." "Wow." " Very nice." " Yeah." "So what side of the business did you say you were on again?" "Oh, I'm a writer." "I wrote something for the Edinburgh..." "Yes, please." "And, well, the Royal Court are really interested, so they want to workshop it." "Well, it's a piece about social struggle and sort of..." " Sorry." "You are a writer, so..." " Yeah." "Yeah. hey, I'm an actor." "Bear me in mind." " Great." " What are you working on now?" "Were we in the same class at school?" "Because I thought..." " Same year, yeah." " Yeah." "You sat next to me in Maths." "Hey, Maths." "Love it, yeah." "Yeah, of course." "Anyway, what did you say you did again?" "Oh, yeah." "Well, you know, my agent's being very protective at the moment, not letting me take stuff in case it interferes with the big plan." "Which is?" "Oh, you know." "Movies, L.A., whatever." "Patsy was experimenting with hairstyle variety." "Great." "Are those for me?" "Thanks." " You look nice." " What?" "What?" "I don't know how they get people to go to these parties." "It's cocaine." "Lines inside means lines outside." "Donatella is a genius." "Six." "Possibly eight." "And I said, "What's that sound?"" "And he said, "That, Taylor, is the sound of doors opening. "" "And i've been practically..." "knee-deep in scripts ever since." "But you are so right." "Relationships suffer." "You must know." "You're a writer." "You know, two-way traffic." "Have you got a girlfriend?" "Ex-girlfriend, yeah." "Singer-dancer, Shelagh Kidron?" "of?" "Starlight Express?" "No." " Are they?" "You?" "Yeah?" " No, I don't." " May I?" " Oh, yes." "Please, yes." "Sorry." "Anyway, just er... couple for later." "Racehorse and donkey." "It's a glib phrase, but racehorse and donkey." "Once you've figured it out, the world makes sense." "Yes, i know." "I'm telling you now, he's an absolute stud." " Bye." " Candy!" " Darling." "How are you doing?" " Fine." "You?" "Very good." "The Daily Express has got pics of that pool boy sucking my tits in St Lucia." " Winston?" " Oh, yeah." "Lovely." "Darling, do you want to have lunch or something?" "I can't." "I'm meeting an old school friend." " Minge!" " Candy!" "Oh, don't worry." "I've got it covered." " Take him. he smells of poo." " Come to Auntie Minge, sweetie." "Yeah." "And the snail had his own trailer, so..." " What snail?" " Snail had his own trailer." " In the Doc." "The Doctor." " Doctor who?" "No, no." "Doolittle." "Dr Doolittle." "When I..." "I toured in it, yeah?" "Oh, terrific numbers." "Did you see it?" "Er, no." "Put me on the map." "Talk to the animals..." "Show stopper." "Stopped the show." "Well... if you don't count the snail." "There were some big rounds for the snail." "Giant snail, so big er... big bastard, but a lot of the animals..." "The animals - beautifully crafted animatronics." "Look, Taylor." "Sorry, the time..." "I've got to write." "Absolutely." "Yeah, I'm with you." "Let's make like sheep and get the flock out of here." "10-9, yeah." "Could I just quickly borrow your phone?" "Yeah, of course." "To call a cab?" "No, actually, I just want to ring L.A." "Going to L.A. next week and I just want to page myself in a restaurant..." "Get on the wire before I'm out there." "Well done." "Battery's gone." "I'm off." "I've got dinner with Carol Vorderman." " You did really brilliant today." " Yeah." "Night night, darling." "I will do it!" "Oh, Eddie!" "Eddie!" "Hello." "Eddie, you need a drink, darling." "I don't need a drink." "I'm all right." "How are you doing?" " How are you doing with this?" " All right." "What's the point of this?" "Let's have some fun." " I've got to do it." " Just one drink downstairs." "You go ahead." "It was very nice meeting you again." "Absolutely great, and bear me in mind with the writing." "Oh, I say!" "Care to share a cab with me somewhere?" "Hey." "Absolutely not." "Sweetheart?" "Pats?" "Oh, I must eat!" "I must eat!" "I want to eat something." "Stay calm." "Just calm." "Just relax." "Just stay." "Think about your hip bone." "Oh, there's a hip bone." "Where's my hip bone gone?" "It was here!" "It was here!" "My hip bone." "God..." "You gave me epiphany and now you have forsaken me." "The morning sun touched lightly" "On the eye of Lucy Jordan" "In a white suburban bedroom" "In a white suburban town" "As she lay there 'neath the covers" "Dreaming of a thousand lovers" "Till the world turned to orange" "And the room went spinning round" "At the age of 47" "She realised she'd never" "Ride through Paris" "In a sports car" "With the warm wind in her hair" "So she let the phone keep ringing" "As she sat there softly singing" "Pretty nursery rhymes she'd memorised" "In her daddy's easy chair." "I must say, you're doing rather well, darling." "I never thought you had it in you." "I'm singing this for you because I know you like it." "hee-haw!" "Of course." "You started that." "Patsy's one of mine." "What are you doing here?" "This one is with me." "Did you suggest this diet?" "It's not a diet." "It's a detox." "Why do you keep coming up with these things?" "It plays on their vanity and I gave them that." "No." "You gave them self-hatred." "Oh, whatever." "They love a diet." "In the world of self-loathing," "The Barbie Doll reigns supreme." "Oh, don't get heavy." "It's a shallow world now." "I know." "Nothing can develop any more." "They just want freshly-popped foetus bodies and sex doll faces." "I mean, look at the art..." "Oh, do stop!" "This is a world where Carol Vorderman is a sex symbol and St Tropez is a bottle of fake tan." "I love it!" "They won't have any use for you and me soon." "Frankly, I'm bored." "What's the point of me if i'm acceptable?" "In China, they're putting girl babies in dustbins as a matter of routine..." "Now who's getting heavy?" "It's so not 2001." "I just wish everybody could love each other." "That was such an attractive idea." "Mmm." "Fancy a drink or something?" " Have you ever cut your fringe?" " No." "You?" "I will if you will." " No." "I will if you will." " No." "Oh, sweetheart." "Oh, oh, oh!" "Oh." "Sweetheart." "Oh, darling, I need food." "Food." "Oh, darling, I nearly died last night, darling." "In fact, I think i'm pretty close to death now, sweetheart." " Mum, you're not." " How do you know?" "I'm looking at you." "You look fine." "Look fine." "I know what that means." "That means I still look fat!" "You have lost a lot of weight." "Not that that's important." "I know i've lost a lot of weight, but not enough!" "I want to eat!" "I knew this would never work." "It is working." "Stop being a victim and take control!" "I'm a fat person, that's the end of it!" "Me!" "The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo!" "Sushi." "I mean, honestly, if they keep it coming round of course i'm going to eat it, aren't I?" "!" "I'll get you something." "Something." "God, this is such hard work!" "How does Geri bloody Halliwell do it, eh?" "How does she do that?" "This isn't lovely fun, jumpy, lovely day, lots of energy, fun." "This is horrible, painful, funless grind." "Welcome to my world." "Not my world." "I tell you what i'm going to do." "I'm going to get a body double for life." "Yeah." "Then I can eat what I want." "I mean, they do it in the movies." "You can be the star of the film and someone else does all the body bits." "That's what I want." "I'm going to the fridge." "Don't stop me, darling." "Don't stop me!" "'Cause I'm going to the fridge, sweetheart!" "Fine." "I'm not going to stop you." "This is what you always do." "Everyone else takes over - takes responsibility." "Well, I won't." "You do it and you face the consequences." "Fat or thin, you are a nightmare of selfishness!" "Mum." "Mum." "You just opened the fridge without heaving your whole body." " Help Mama!" "Help Mama!" " What?" " What?" " There's a lump." " Where?" " A lump here." "Feel that." "What is that?" "Aah!" "What is that?" "Mum, it's a muscle." "That?" "That's a muscle?" "I've got a muscle?" "!" "Ring Katy Grin, tell her i've got a muscle!" "Ring Pats!" "Tell her i've got a muscle." "Sweetheart, have I got another?" "No, no." "Feel that." "I've got a muscle." "Feel it." "Don't push it away!" "Don't push it away!" "Just feel it." "Ring them up." "Tell them i've got a muscle." " You can do it!" " I can do it!" "Upper arms!" "Punch, punch, punch!" "To me." "Punch!" "Great." "That is fantastic." "Think of Planet Thin, Planet Thin." "That's it!" "That's it!" "Ha!" "So here I am, minus a stone of toxin." "Feeling pretty good." "Sniffing the old O2 and ingesting the wheatgerm and about to be tanned, pummelled and scrubbed, and I shall be ready to go." "Sweetheart?" "What do you think?" "Is that dress new?" "Yeah, yeah." "Do you love it?" "It's gorgeous." "It's just that it's..." "What?" "What?" "It's still too small." "Well, that's because I'm going to get thinner." "I'm going to get thinner than this." "Sweetheart, can I ask you something?" "Will you stop doing that and listen?" "Do you think attention can become addictive?" "I wouldn't want that to happen to me." "I wouldn't want that." "Also, sweetheart, darling, darling." "Mummy's worried because I don't want you to worry when they start saying she's too thin." "All right?" "Because it is inevitable." "Now, film Mama leaving." " Mum, please." " Film me leaving." "Stop being so selfish and film me leaving!" "Come on, darling." "Come on." "Come on, darling." "Am I in shot?" "Yes." "You're filling the screen." "Well, zoom out, zoom out." "Here I come." "Here I come." "Ready?" "Here she comes" "The most beautiful girl in the world" "Pah!" "She's the right one..." "Follow me, follow me." "She's the bright one" "That's Edini." "Hi." " Da da!" " Oh, Eddie." "I think I can just squeeze in." "No, I can't." "Can you just shift it slightly?" "That's it." " Well done!" " Thank you." "There, i've said it." "Personal detox complete." " Cheers, cheers, cheers." " Well done, Eddie." " Did you lose weight?" " Oh?" " Yeah." "This is my first drink." " What's your secret?" "Well, the thing is..." "No. not now, Eddie, not now." "Well done, but now just get on with your life." " I agree." " You can't make it your life." "Absolutely." "Slimming is just... it's overrated." "All those reinvented ones." "They get thin, get PR, dump their husbands, then they're found all alone with their bones sticking out." "Why this body obsession?" "When did we get like this?" "It's sex, sex." " Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!" " But why?" "Would the word orifice help at this point?" "Everyone wants to get screwed." "No mystery." "The old ones should wear more clothes." "Yeah." "Or get pissed, then don't look at what you're tupping." "This is so Sex In The City, isn't it?" "I hate that show." " Which one am I?" " The nice one." "I'm Sarah Jessica Parker." "What?" "You're still too fat!" "Still, it doesn't really matter, does it, 'cause, you know, fat or thin, you still love me, don't you?" "Darling?" "Saff?" "Saff?" "Saff?" "Biscuits to dunk!" "Biscuits to..." "What are you doing?" "What are these ones?" " Is it blue?" " I don't know." "Is it?" "I'm trying to get sorted, get organised." " Is that a downer?" " Is it labeled?" " It's not labeled!" " Well, it's just er..." "Mmm." "The shit on TV." "Look at the shit..." " What?" " Shit, look at that!" "Katy Grin!" "People have been doing some crazy things." "I can barely hear myself think!" "There's been bathing in baked beans, sponsored beard shaving, and someone even hopped all the way here tonight with a cake on their head!" "Amazing!" "She looks like a gerbil caught in the headlights." "It's the face on the mosquito before it hits your windshield." "And we've managed to raise the grand total of £23.50 from Denham's department store." "Wow whee!" "Haven't we done well?" "So..." "Oh, yeah, see you later in the studio around 2 a. m." "Bye!" "Can you stop hopping now?" "That's why you don't want to be a celebrity." " I do." " No." "You don't want to be one of those skinny bitches who sticks on two patches of elastoplast and some dental floss and calls it an outfit!" "You don't want to whap your fanny out at a prem." "Or slither your tits out in the back of a taxi." " I do, darling." " They're just trash." "They're just mag fillers." "They're just recycled vomit." "I mean, it's just recycled snaps." "They come back again and again." "They just recategorise, stuff them up their arsehole, vomit them out." "You're not listening!" "You're not listening to what I'm trying to say!" " If I was going to strip..." " No!" "Stop, stop, stop!" "If I was going to strip..." " No!" " Wait!" "I would have to think about it very hard." "I would do it for the right reasons." "What are you talking about?" " Going nude for Cosmo, darling." " No!" "Yes, darling." "They want celebrities to go nude for Cosmo, darling." "It would be very tasteful." "I'd have control." "Really." "No." "There's not enough Vaseline in the world, or screw on a lens to make that acceptable." "Stop it!" "I just want to be famous!" "You just want someone to look at you sometimes." "I just want them to look at me." "The person that I'm not." "Before all the juice gets out of the carton..." "What was that?" " What the hell is that?" " Oh, Eddie." "Is it..." "Is it a bee?" " Kasha?" " Yeah?" " You're moving your arms too much." " Right." " Do you want it this rigid?" " Yes." "That's how I wrote it." "Ooh." "I quite admire you, actually." "Where is it, Eddie?" "Where is it?" " Is it a bee?" " I don't know." "It's down there." "You go, you go." "Where is it, darling?" "Eddie!" "Oh, Eddie." "Find it, kill it!" " Kill it!" " Darling, we need more drink." "Don't leave me here!" "Get the drink." "Oh, it's on me!" "It's here!" "It's on me." "The bee is on me, darling." "Take it off me!" "It's on me!" "What is it?" "Oh, it's a small shoe." "It's my phone." "It's my phone." "Phone?" "Hello?" " It's crunching." " Heavy breather?" " No." " Is it obscene?" " It's crunching." " Is it your stalker?" "You deal with a stalker by cutting off his stalk." "He's not my stalker." "I met my stalker." "E'd got the wrong person." "He was very apologetic." "Listen." "Um!" "Um!" "Listen to me." "I have to get out of here!" "Help!" " Help!" " Is that Serge?" "Um, are you listening?" " Who?" " Serge, my son." "Is that Serge?" "Um!" "Serge?" "Hello, darling!" "It's Mama." "Mama's here, sweetheart!" "Eddie!" "Darling, you're very stoned, sweetheart." "We're hallucinating." "This is Serge." "This is Serge." "Darling, I'm coming." "Mama's going to help you." "I'm going to call the police." "Not the police!" "Not the filth!" "Not the pigs!" "Not the porkies!" "I've got to help him." " I'm changing my agent." " Oh, really?" "Why?" "He pigeonholed me." "What as?" "Uncastable." "Saffy, can I give you a lift?" "I've got my car." "We could go for a drink." "No, thanks." "I've got my bicycle." " Oooh!" " Shut it!" "Oh, sweethearts, I love you." " What's going on?" " Aaah!" "I'm a registered addict." "Oh..." "Where's Mum?" "She's downstairs with, you know, the squeaky shoe." "She's with the fuzz, the pigs, the porkers, our friends with the talking brooches." "The police?" "Oh, what's happened?" "Downstairs...?" "He rang me on that phone." " My son." " You've had a night of it." "One drink!" " What's happened?" " Thank God you're here." " Tell them I'm not mad." " What is it?" "h, thank you!" "Your mother thinks your brother has been kidnapped." "He has been kidnapped!" "She received a call and he was pleading for help." " What?" " Yes." " Serge?" " Yes, Serge, darling." "Do you know your brother's whereabouts?" "Your mother didn't." "Just because he doesn't ring every half hour doesn't mean he doesn't live, love..." "Love me." "Darling, where is he?" "Where is he, darling?" "He's in the Atlantic in a submarine studying plate movements." "What plates?" "Listen." "We're very busy." "Just call us if you hear any more." "We'll see ourselves out." "Have you got a night shoot on The Bill?" "Honestly, darling." "He rang me." "Why don't you check the last received call?" "Last received call?" "Last received call." "You didn't flush everything, did you?" "Look at this." "Look at this, darling." "That's not a number I recognise." "Let's see." "Is that your...?" "My phone must have gone off by mistake." "But, darling, I heard Serge." "Were you with Serge?" "You must have heard my rehearsals." "Darling, I heard Ser..." "I've written a play." " What about?" " A play." "It's..." "It's about my life and it was a scene." "Someone playing Serge rehearsing." "Am I in it?" "Darling?" "Am I?" "Yes." " You've written a play about me." " No." "It's about me." "A play about me?" "Someone's doing it!" "Let's talk about this in the morning." "You've written a play about me?" "Oh, God..." "Why?" "You little piece of dribble piss!" "Mum, it's only on for a week in a very small venue." "What are you worried about?" "Because I know the kind of play you will have written." "It'll make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie the bloody Pooh!" "It will be the truth." "Is that what you find threatening?" "Your truth!" "Your twisted little arsewipe truth." " You'll have to stop it." " No." "No, I won't." "And do you know why?" "Because I need to do this." "I need to drag the poison from me." "I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat for years." "To shout it openly." "For Christ's sake, darling, you're 20..." "Why can't you just move on?" "Move on." " You should have had her adopted." " I wish you had." "You tried to and I wish you had." "I used to dream of lovely families." " You had a family!" " You and that piece of flint!" "You dragged me up!" "I glimpsed into worlds I should have known nothing about - worlds with no morals and no responsibilities." "And not just glimpsed." "You took my face and pushed it up against the window!" "We should have pushed it through!" "I've got morals!" "How can you say that?" "You burnt and scarred my best friend!" " Who?" " Titicaca." "Oh." "Her name is Sarah." "Darling, she was standing with her pigtails too close to a candle!" "Act of God." "You were holding the candle!" "Christ!" "She got a therapist on insurance!" "I am not going to feel guilty about this!" "To do that you'd have to go beneath the surface, and no drill can crack that crust!" "God, you are so ungrateful!" "Some people think I'm pretty great." "Pats?" "Stop this, Eddie." "It's not important." "No, no, it's not important." "Not as important as the future of the structured handbag, or swing macs or pom-pom sweaters." "Not important to a woman whose job is to invent adjectives for pointless clothing!" "Stop it!" "You had everything!" "You had everything I never had!" "No." "You took it." "I was always alone." "Mum never took ME on holiday." " I did!" " Prove it!" "Where are the photos?" " Where are photos of me?" " We didn't have cameras then!" "Honestly!" "Why do you always want proof?" "You always want proof!" "Eddie, we took her to the park!" "Yes, we took you to the park." "It comes back!" "My life is like a constant winter." "Yeah." "She never thawed, did she?" "Rigor mortis set in during puberty." "She's so cold, I bet she has her periods in cubes." "I'm not doing this because I hate you." "I only want to be loved." "Well, darling, so do I, sweetheart." "There you are, Patsy." "I wonder if you could help me." "I need a strong pair of hands." "I've got a wardrobe stuck on the stairs." "Oh, sure, Mrs M." "Thank you, dear." "I'm giving it to sheltered housing." "Sweetheart, you know Mama loved you." "You were never here." "I got you a nanny." "No." "I always had to look after myself." "You've done a very good job, darling." "Oh, darling." "Darling, will you answer Mama a question?" "A serious question, darling." "And I want you to be honest with me." "Even though you think it might hurt me, you've got to say." "All right, darling?" "How fat is the woman playing me?" "Mum..." "In this whole world, there will never be anyone as fat as you." " Hello, Dad." " Darling." " Come in." " Thanks." "Dad..." " Mum knows." " Oh, my God!" "How?" "When?" " I shouldn't be here." " It's all right." "Cancel everything." "I'll pay the actors." "I really need your support on this." "OK." "Justin." "Pats." "And I don't know anything about it." "No, Gran." "Mum knows now." "Knows what, dear?" "About the play." "What play, dear?" "Oh, Dad." "Stop worrying." "It'll be all right." "I'm sure she's not as bad as you make out." "Why don't you just cut some of the scenes?" " No." " I'll pay you." "We've gotta kill this play." "How would I normally ensure a flop?" " Promote it." " Don't be so stupid!" "Why bother, Eddie?" "It's only theatre." "People in the dark facing the same way, not enjoying themselves." "It's just not important." "You'll have to write something in the papers." "Come on." "Do the dirty." "You must have an article in you somewhere." "Several, I should imagine." "I'm going to go on Ricki Lake, Montel, Tricia." "Think of titles." "I left my husband for a kidney bean." "And now he wants it back?" " Read it." " What do you want?" " Be kind, Saff." " Sorry." "I bring you an ulti..." " matimum?" " Matum!" "Oh, matum... from your mother." "You must cancel the play or she will be forced to spread bad word and... hey, go on Ricki Lake or similar, to do "I left my husband for a kidney... "" "No!" "The other one." "To do "dirty daughter did the devious on me" ""and stabbed me in the throat. "" "She will show no mercy in the defecation of your character." "Mum!" "Come here." "Stupid girl." "I will do that, you know." "I will do that." "It opens tonight, so you're too late." "Oh, shit!" "Bollocks." "Is he in it?" "I hope you've put him in it." "Being married to him was like being married to an antique shop - full of crap and always closed!" "Old wood, aren't you?" " Dad?" " Whatever you're thinking, don't." "No." "Show Mum the photo of me in your wallet." "Show me the photo in your wallet." "Show me the photo you've got in your wallet." "What is this?" "Is that little Saffy?" "Oh, for God's sake, it's only a play." "Sorry, Saff." "You don't even go to the theatre." "You don't know anybody that goes to the theatre." " It's not going to touch you." " Oh, shut up!" " Stop it." " Can I go?" "No, you can't go." "Stay." " I'm being picked up." " This better be good." "Black matter is dragging us towards eternal dalmatian and before long, we will be cloned and turned into sheep." "So to avoid this fate, I am being picked up by a spaceship that's hidden in the tail of a comet." " That'll be them." " Don't be so stupid." "Have you got a purple tablecloth and gym shoes?" " No." " Then you're staying." "Hi, hi, hi." "Don't be scared." "It's only us." "Shalom!" "Full horror movie cast list now, innit?" " Just ignore her." " What happened to you?" "Oh, Marshall is a rabbi now." "We thought if Steven Seagal can be a lama, what the hell?" "Abundance, holiness and purity to you." "Well sung, honey." " Please, sit down." " Thank you." " Have you come to see the play?" " Play?" "What play?" "We don't see plays." "Only movies." "It's OK." "Mum knows." "Have a drink." " Thank you." " This isn't a party!" "This is hell!" " I'm sensing tension." " Leave it, Bo." "Listen, a guest for a while can see for a mile, as Rabbi Yunni Yardeni said on Letterman." "And over the red thread." "There is healing to be done." "Be careful." "This is expensive stuff." "Don't be stupid." "I bought it wholesale at the fabric store." "Hi!" "Hi!" "Shed your evil shell." "Shed your..." "You don't have an evil shell." "You're precious." "OK." "Oh, there's some evil in you." "Don't try to lie." " Exciting." " More thread over here." "Oh, God." "All eyes on me." "It's what you always wanted, Eddie." "Yesterday you were going centrespread full tit and minge." "That would have been airbrushed, wouldn't it?" "I'd have control over that." "This is going to be..." "Raw meat." "Porn." "Oh, darling, we don't care what people think about us." "Ridicule is nothing to be scared of." "Prince Charming..." "Come on, darling." "Prince Charming" "Ridicule is nothing to be scared of." "I've found an eye." "Now I need a mouth." "A mouth." "Take my mother-in-law, please." "Marshall, you're a rabbi, not Jackie Mason." "He gets so confused." "Why are you doing this?" "The Kabbalah." "In L.A., the Kabbalah groups have the best parties - all the big stars and a couple of Jews." "We've had to sacrifice so much." "We can no longer smell our fingers after we eat." "We can only have sex once a month through a tiny hole in a sheet." "I should imagine that's quite a relief for you, Marshall." "You did bring the sheet, hon?" " Saff, I have to go." " OK, Dad." "You will be there?" "Yes." "Yes, of course." "Gesundheit." "I'm nearly fluent in Hebrew." "No, Bo." "You just bring up phlegm." "All I need is an ear." "God, this wig is so hot." "It cost me a fortune." "It's one of Barbra Streisand's old wigs." "Papa, can you hear me?" "Barbra's here." "Papa, can you see me?" "People." "People who need people." "Let's get physical..." "That's Olivia." "Barbra." " Will you last the play, Marshall?" " Yeah, yeah." "What time is kick-off?" "It's a play, Gran." "Curtain up." "I will, dear." "Is it chilly out?" "Marshall has coped with everything except the Jewish food." "He had diarrhoea so bad, he almost laid his own kidneys." " Bo!" " It's true." " Let's go." " I'll be with you in a minute." "Mum, I think you should come." "Here's a ticket." "God, why have so many people got to go in?" "I haven't seen a face go in." "That means nothing." "People that matter don't have to have a face." " Is she here?" " No, not yet." "You look great, Saff." "You don't look so good." "She won't come." "Anyway, I don't care either way." "Oh, I thought I was late." "Are you OK?" "I'm fine." "I wish everyone would stop asking." "You look great." " Have a swig." " No, thank you." " Have one." " No." "Let's go." "Quick." " This is it, is it?" " Good luck." "Feels like I'm watching my own funeral." "The snivelling little bitch has written a piece of shit." " It's vomit, it's bilge..." " What if it's great?" "Darling, it'll be flapsnot." "Let's go." "I'll watch that little bit of flapsnot." "I'm so nervous." "Sorry." "There's no smoking." "Don't be stupid." "Don't be so bloody stupid!" " Move up, please." "Can you move up?" " Excuse me." "Excuse me." "What are you doing here?" "I don't know." "Saff?" "Saff?" "This is the story of a self-raising flower." "Oh, shut up!" "I am that flower." "I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat there for years." "I need to shout it openly." "Piss off!" "This is my story." "Saffy!" "Saff!" "Shit, Eddie." "Look at me." "Look at Mama." "Do you think I'm fat?" "I don't know what to say." "Try to be more western in your thinking, darling." "She had tried every fad diet and every fad drug that has ever existed and still somehow she remains two stone overweight." " One stone!" " One stone!" "I was dragged up by my mother and a piece of flint." "You little bitch troll from hell." "You miserable piece of filth." "When Ed said she was pregnant, I told her to abort." "Abort, abort, abort, I said." "Chuck it down the pan and bring me a..." " Knitting needle?" " A knitting needle!" "I'm good, Eddie." "You are my son, my son!" " I'm going far, far away." " No!" "To the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean or the South Pole." "Cut the umbilical cord, Mum!" "I have to go." "No!" "No!" "I just need a few crutches to help me through life, sweetie." "You have absolved yourself of responsibility." "You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis!" "Someone chooses what you wear and eat, then someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it out." "I did tell you the facts of life?" "If you mean when you sat on my bed and shook me awake at 2 a.m." "and then, stoned out of your brain, you slurred," ""Oh, by the way, sweetie, people have it off. "" "Then, yes, you told me the facts of life." "Good." "Well, any gaps you want me to fill you in on, let me know." "I knew it was a comedy." "Go for it, kids." "What was my birth like?" "Your birth?" "From the moment you were born, I knew I wanted you." "However, the day after..." "What a terrible lot they are, dear." "It reminds me of home." "The tits are bigger, but otherwise she's fantastic." "You never gave me anything!" "I gave you that hamster!" "You mean kitten." "Whatever happened to my kitten?" "I live a sentence unapproved, but not overruled by heaven." "Go on, Eddie." "Saff?" "Saff, sweetheart?" "Darling, it's Mama." "Darling?" "Darling?" " Stop it, Mum." " It's not me, darling." " Stop it." " Look." "Darling." " It's for you, darling." " Oh." "Thanks, Mum." "Don't want to smudge my lips." " It's not the same kitten." " I know." "I thought your play was good." " No, it wasn't." " What an imagination you've got." "Thought it was good acting." "Pats and I are having lunch with the people who played us." "Don't show the kitten to Pats, darling." "No." "She might get jealous, like the la..." "Might get jealous." " Hi." "Is Saffy...?" " Yeah." "Downstairs." " Hi." "Come in." " Hi." "Hi." "Come in." "Hello, darling!" "Come and have a drink." "Sorry." "I didn't quite get the tits right." "You should have gone in the dustbin." "An incinerator was too good for you." "Never mind." "Cheers, mate." "Guess who?" "Just put them over there." "Oi!" "Is this your mother?" " Let me handle this." " No." "I know her." "I said, is this your mother?" "Well, let me see." "One white paw?" "Yes, that looks like her." "She's been in our kitchen for two days." "Let me do it." "You should look after her better." "I could report you." "She always finds her own way back." "Poor old woman." "Thank you!" " Come on, Leigh." " Will you be all right, love?" "Leigh, we can't keep her." "Well, you shouldn't feed her!" "I can't believe she lives this close." "We'll have to move." "I found them, dear." " Who?" " Madonna and Guy Ritchie." "It's not Madonna." "Get in the house!" "Get back in the house." "Get in that house!" "Help!" "Help!" "Take the bloody photos and go out again, you stupid old woman!" "Don't come back till you find them!" " Was that Gran?" " Yeah." "I'm sending her out again." " Mum!" " I need Madonna and Guy Ritchie." "They might drive by sooner or later." "They live in the area." "And they'll see you washing the car, and become best friends?" "Darling, I just want to be in Madonna's inner circle." "I want to huddle around her cool flame with all those other over-excited girlfriends of hers, and hear her words of wisdom." "Lo, she has spoken!" ""Cowboy hats is back. "" "I'll tell you something, if the car washing doesn't work, I'll put the house on the market." "I know she's still looking." "She'd love this kitchen." "What's happened?" " My business has folded." " What?" "Oh, yeah, darling." "Down the pan and flushed." "I mean, we've severed an artery." "I'm haemorrhaging clients at such a rate that death is now imminent." "But Madonna, darling..." "Madonna could just be the little tourniquet, sweetheart." " It can't be as bad as that." " Can't be as bad as that?" "!" "Most of them have gone to Claudia bloody Bing!" "She lapped them up like a vampire, sweetheart." "I mean, honestly, if it goes on like this, I might be left - listen " "I might be left with Twiggy and Alcospray." "And by the look on Twiggy's face just now, Twiggy's a bit like that." "I mean, it's a disaster." "Come on, Mum." "You always survive somehow." "Not any more, darling, not now the world has changed." "There was a time when I was out there." "I was hip." "I was dangerous." "The zeitgeist blew from me, sweetheart." "I could pick up the lunch buzz at Momo and fly with it." "The more money you spent, the more you made." "It was money on a loop." "But not any more, no." "Not any more, sweetheart." "Thanks to New Labour." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes, darling." "The eternally grinning, funless world of New Labour." "All that hope, all that future, darling, but once the party's over, you're still standing in the shit." "Nobody wants new things any more." "It's retro, retro, retro." "Darling, we are skidding backwards into the 2000s on a slick of apology, and that's not a world that thinks I'm great!" " That is not the reason." " It is." "Well..." "That and the fact that Bubble..." " Oh, here we go..." " No, wait." "Bubble pushed the wrong button and emailed all my personal and business letters to my address book." "The whole world now knows my business." "That might have helped Claudia Bing a bit." "Pull yourself together and deal with this." "It can't be that bad." "Not that bad?" "!" "I've got a P.R. Company with no clients and a T.V. Company with no programmes!" "What's the good news, Shirley Temple?" " Hello!" " Hi, hi!" "Just here to say that later today we'll be leaving." "There is a god!" "The Kaballah didn't work out for us so we're going home..." "To have a rethink." "There are plenty of places the stars go to find God." "God is now a dot com and the stars are filling their baskets." "No, Bo." "Just leave it." "You should spend more time at home." "I am not a Hollywood wife." "I can't do the meet and greet with a howdy smile." "I am not Candy Spelling." "We don't have a present-wrapping room." "I hardly recognised you just normal like this." "Everybody's got a crowd of people inside them." "I act out each one, yet I am myself." ""I am never alone, I am with myself. "" "Jane Fonda - Oprah, series four, show 97." "Oodbye and good riddance." "You won't be missed!" "Oh, bless you for your honesty." " Give me your hand, pretty lady." " No." "Shut up!" "Saff!" "What can't be said can't be said and it can't be whistled either." "Come on." "Let's go see some sights." "Maybe we can stop by Jerry Hall's house." "Hold up, my little bonsai tree." "I know you have dreams of running with the redwoods, but you wouldn't last a second." "Mum, instead of hanging around here, go to the office." "Darling, I am in the office." "We're having a TV conference brainstorming meeting." "If I can get that side up and running I might be able to flog it." "But why can't they hear me?" "Hello?" "Sorry." "Is this game shows or general interest?" " I don't know." " But it's your idea." "Did I have an idea?" "Whose pet is this?" " Whose pen is this?" " That's good." " I like that." " Keep it, then." "What's in my pocket?" "Where am I?" "Whose hands are these?" "Why are we here?" "Why can't they hear me?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "And where's Katy Grin?" "She should bloody be there." "Do you want me to sort this Bing woman?" " Always the hard man." " I'll have to go to the office now." "Eddie, you need some fun, darling." "Let's do something." "Let's go to Harvey Nicks and have lunch at obu." " Haven't done that for ages." " I'll clear my desk." " Mum!" " I've got to have a life!" "Work should just be the little side salad." "Hello." "Alex?" "This is the mood board for the next edition." " Sex." "Bitch." "Aristo." " Punk." " Sex." "Punk." "Whore." "Bitch." " Prossie." "Prossie." "Lessie." "Punk." "Tart." " Slut." " Slut." "Oh, but Alex?" "With lovely shoes." "Oh, yes." "Lovely shoes." "There we are, darling." "Ooh, a little bit tense there, Eddie." "Relax, darling." " Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Eddie." " What did you do?" " My arm." " What have you done?" "Oh, my God!" "You've broken it." " No." "It's all right." " She can't have broken it." "Eddie, just get my bag." "I've got a few painkillers in there, darling." " Where is it, darling?" " Is it this?" " Oh, that's the one, darling." " Oh!" "Stop it!" "You need to go to hospital." "No, no." "I think I can do it." "I just go..." "I'll get a bandage!" "No." "It's just a little break." "These things happen." "But, darling, you weren't doing anything." "Just the choppety chop." "Last week I cracked my ankle just putting it into a Jimmy Choo." "You need to see a doctor." "You need to have some tests." " No, it's all right." " I should take her to hospital." "No." "I just need a drink." "Mum, I will deal with this." "Go to work now!" "I should have seen this coming." "Saffy, Saff." "Saffy." "Saff, darling." " Come on." " Oh." "I know I'm late, so don't look at me like that." "I've been up all night with the baby." "I don't know why it cries so much." "I've got friends who used the same sperm bank and theirs is perfect." "Right." "Ideas!" "Give me names, faces, formats." " A quiz!" " With questions." "Personalities, celebrities." "Donna Air, Cat Deeley." "You can pick any one of the clones." "There once was an Anneka, who begat an Ulrika, from whose career dip sprung a Davina." "All squirted from the same hole." "Like herpes they spread from TV-AM armed only with the charm of incompetence." "If there's any presenting to be done, I'm doing it!" "For Christ's sake!" "If there's an earpiece to be worn, I'm wearing it!" " Candy!" " Oh, Eds, darling." "Hello, darling." "Is Pats not with you?" "No." "She's got a bit of trouble." "Damn." "Minge and I are getting a group of us to go to Annabels after the Vidal Sassoon gala." " The air Ball?" " Mmm." "It'll be a laugh." "Hugh Grant's going to be there." "Mick Jagger." "Mind you, I know Mick's a jumping scrotum with lips now, but I know Patsy likes him." "And Hugh's improved since he lost the old flop." " Liz Hurley?" " No." "His hair." " Oh, his hair." " Are you coming?" "Yeah." "See you later." "Eh-oh, stinky winky." "I think he needs a drink." " His nose is very dry." " Leave him alone." "See you later." "You, Bubble." "Listen..." "You're still here?" "Oh, God." "Claudia bloody Bing." "Come to gawp?" "Come to squeeze the last drop of blood from the kill?" "No." "Old that." "I thought I'd see how big this office is." "If you're going bust, I might be interested." "I can't stay." "I just thought I'd pop my head in to say hi and thank you." "What a day I've got, thanks to you." "Let's see." "De La Soul press junket." "A relaunch and a re-lunch." "A Versace golf tournament." "Free Tibet Gala Dinner - yum yum." "A press night." "A première." "Photocall." "A promotion." "I've got M.E. And M.S., which is wonderful." " You go to the palace." " I know!" "I've sat next to Camilla twice now." "She's almost pretty in the flesh." "I adore Davina McCall's baby." "But, frankly, you can keep Alan Titchmarsh," "Vagina Monologues and drug abuse." "Edina, I feel awfully bad." "Well, don't." "I've been in tighter spots." "I shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes with..." "Twiggy." " Oh, dear." " Claudia, you're here." " Twiggy!" " Twiggy!" "Look, Edina, I've just come to tell you I'm going with Claudia." " But, but..." " But what?" "You deserve this." "You're one of the most selfish people I've ever met." " Look to your right." " It's always you, you." "You orbit Planet You." "You are your own moon." "You moon yourself." "Not a sight I'd relish." "What have you done for me?" "Nothing!" "Oh, what was it?" "Fisting." "Fist Across America." "Gay Pride." "Oh, don't start." "Look, I'm really sorry, Claudia." "No, don't worry." "All this is just touching the G-spot." "Have you got a bikini?" "We're doing a swimathon for poorly goldfish." " Aah." "The ones in the news?" " Yes." "Oh, by the way." "Your mum's back with us now." "I told Leigh he can keep her." "Every cloud has a silver lining." "Again!" "Again!" "Psst!" "Darling?" " How's the patient?" " Mum, can you sit down?" "Hello, darling." "Oh, darling." "Twiggy's left me." " Oh." " But I saw Candy." "Are we going to the Air Ball?" "There's gonna be an auction." "Darling, I don't think I can." "I might phone in some bids." " Mum." " Did you go to the hospital?" " Yes." "And to the gynaecologist." " I hate gynaecologists." "A man who can look you in the vagina, but never in the eye." "I hate them." "Mine hangs around between women's legs like most men hang out in a garage - just tinkering." "Just tinkers!" " Mum?" " Yeah." "Patsy's got osteoporosis." "She has the lowest bone density on record." "Oh, cheers." "Well done, darling." "Well done." "She is just gristle clinging on to bone powder!" "This is what happens when you have the menopause." " No!" " No!" "No!" " No, darling, no." "It can't be." " I'm 42." "Besides, she's never had all the..." "You've never had an ovary." "That's what the doctor in Algiers said." "I've always had thin bones." "It's nothing to do with it." "Anyway, you just get a patch, don't you?" "A patch!" "Mum, there are side effects." "How many times have I nearly overdosed?" "I think I can survive a patch!" "No." "I think you should be aware of all the options." "You as well, Mum." " No, darling." " It will happen, Mum." " No." " I've organised a meeting upstairs." " What meeting?" " The local M.A." " Ma?" " Ma?" "Menopausals Anonymous." "No, sweetheart!" "No!" "You will do this." "You will learn about this and take control, because, frankly, if you don't..." "Saffy?" "All gone, darling." "All gone, darling." "Go get it." "Sshh!" "Sshh!" "Ssshh!" "Sshh!" "My leg." "A splint, darling!" "And a spliff." "A spliff and a splint!" "Sweetheart, sweetheart?" "What happened then?" "My life just flashed in front of me." "What was it like?" "A Bergman film without the jokes?" "Oh!" "Did you say there are menopausals upstairs, darling?" " Yes." " On my furniture?" "Are you mad?" "Where are the bin bags?" "Bin bags?" "I've read about them." "One sneeze and the floodgates open." "Bin bags!" " We'll pack quickly and go home." " OK, honey." " Leave it, Bo." " I smell a group." "Leave it, Bo." "You pack." "I'll be right with you." "Bin bags." "Everyone sit on a bin bag." "Sit on a bin bag." "Body coasters." "Body coasters, everyone." "You, off there on a bloody bin bag." "Get on the bin bags." " Are you staying, darling?" " No." "I'm all right." "Gone through it already, I suppose." "No!" "I think we should leave." "I can feel the hormones being leeched from me as we speak." "Watch it." "You'll leave here being worn as a patch." "Sit down!" "I don't want to stay with sweaty fanny-obsessed heifers." "Sitting on my furniture." "Come on, let's go." "Damn!" "Damn!" " Right, everyone, let's kick off." " No." "I'm taking the meeting." "Catriona, lovey?" "Right." "My name is Catriona." "I don't think that I have actually got the menopause, although I do have to do the checklist before I leave the house to ensure I don't go out without my trousers on." "Again." "I'm sensing denial." "I'm sensing armpits." "I'm sensing pubic sideburns and sweaty ones at that." "Hello." "My name is Beth de Woody." "I just want to share a few horrors." "At night, I can't sleep, but at the wheel of a speeding car, I'm out like a light." "Does anyone else have symptoms from these pills?" "Like, I don't know, three nipples?" "Hello." "My name is Beth de Woody." "I have three heart attacks a day and my skin thinks it's in the Congo." "Otherwise I'm fine." "My doctor says I should stop taking the pills, but that's what a man would say." "They just let their belt out a few notches and join a golf club!" "There are alternatives." "No." "Not the testosterone implant." " For some people they work." " Oh, yeah." "Tell that to Marly Quinberg." "They turned her into a sex maniac." "But I've got them." "She should come and see me." "The woman cannot walk." "Overheated and oversexed." "She gave herself an accidental cliterectomy with a hand fan!" "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Bo Chrysalis." "Could I just ask what this meeting's for?" "Is this angry divorcees or... croning?" "No." "The menopause, Bo." "Oh." "We don't have that in America." "We don't believe in it." "Certainly not in L.A." "What?" "Are you nuts?" "Sisters, come on, come on!" "This meeting's going nowhere." "My name is Jobo and I'm happy to be having the menopause." "I have hot flushes and memory loss." "Well done!" "And sometimes when I sneeze, I pee." "Beth de Woody." "The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass!" "Patsy Stone." "I hope you're wearing thick pants!" "Edina Monsoon." "Stand on the bloody bin bag!" "God!" "Womb prayer, everybody." "Womb prayer." "No!" "Embrace the dryness." "Love your womb." "Come down, Lilith, and suck up our juices and blow back wisdom!" " Group hug, everyone." " No!" "No!" "Saff!" "Saff!" "God!" "Who was that?" "Beth de Woody!" "Marshall, where do the stars go to have the menopause?" "Montana, and a small clinic in Arizona." "Well, hitch up the horses." "We're going west." "Oh, no." "Are you going into the office?" "I suppose I'll have to." "See if I can make Alcospray into..." "What is it?" "I've never heard of it." "#h, thank you!" "It's spray booze, darling." "Great for kids." "Come on, what is it you always say?" "Bad is the new good, crap is the new fantastic." "This is what you're good at." "All I used to be good at, darling." "I can't cook." "I can't knit." "I can't sew." "I can't sing." "Thank God." "Is there anything I can do?" "Well, that is the 64 million dollar question, isn't it?" "We'd all like to know that." "I need some brain food, darling." "Get me some wheatgerm and some grass juice." " No." " What am I supposed to do, then?" "Why don't you go and suck a lawn?" "Because by the time I got there," "Claudia Bing would already have it sucked, that's why." " Morning." " Morning, Pats." "Did she stay over?" "She couldn't remember where she lived, and I thought it was safer." " Also, now that Bo and Marshall..." " No." " Lovely spare room." " No!" " Yeah, but..." " No!" "Damn you." "How are you doing with the patch?" " I feel better." " Yeah?" "You'll need a new one." " Is the old one still there?" " Why don't you look?" "She might crack her neck." "This is the last time I do this." " Ooh, pills." " We love pills." "Alternative remedies." "FT, DT, MYT, belladonna, ergotamin, black kohosh and dong." "Ooh!" "Dong." "Thank you, nurse." "Ooh, dong." "Anything to bring you back from the freeze-dried granules, darling." "What are you doing today?" "I want to find out if I got anything at the auction." "I'll see you later." "I've got to go in the office." "I think I'm going to sell off the old TV thing." "It's losing me more money than Pearl Harbor." "If I don't, darling the death knell ringeth." ""Eh-oh." "Alcospray gone bust." "Me tubby bye bye. "" "Oh, hello." "Bubble's gone, but if there's anything you need, I'm here." "I don't know why you employed her." "I don't know." "She was like a little work of art." "A sort of conceptual installation - the concept of a P.A." "Frankly, I'd have been better off with a painting of a secretary." " Very pretty cardigan." " No." "We've also got theoretical marketing strategies and global internet tie-ins." "So all we need is the programmes." "And we had one idea today, which was a quiz." "What are you talking about?" "Why are you still here?" " Show me that." " No, no." "Damn you, damn you." " Is it a TV company?" " No." "No, it's not a TV company." "It's a multinational media, cable and satellite network with Murdoch airspace and strategic programming WAP tie-ins." "I own some pretty expensive air up there." " You sneaky little..." " I am branded." "Sss!" "You may have all the meat - all the celebrity cattle - but frankly, I was quite glad to offload them." " Oh?" " Yeah." "This is the future, babe." "This is the future." "We're in pre-pre... almost pre-production for quizzes." "We've got..." ""Have I Got Shoes For You. "" "Donatella's on hold for that one." "This is bigger than all the dot." "Coms." "I'm surprised you're not into this." " Oh, my God!" " What?" " Is it?" " What?" "Is it?" "I don't believe it." "Katy Grin." "Yes." "She's my TV partner." "But I love her!" "I used to watch her on Blue Peter." " Hello, Katy." " Hello." "Claudia Bing." "Bing of Bing, Bing And Bing." " I've got a Blue Peter Badge." " Really?" "Well done!" " Listen." "I've got to go." " Go?" "I'm sorry." "I'm selling my half of the company." "I've decided that Katy needs to get her face back on TV where it belongs." "Of course she does." "I think I could help." "No." "I know what you're up to." "Sell me your half of the company." "I'll get you back on TV." "I've got Dale Winton in my pocket." " Done!" " Hurrah!" "Oh, no!" "I will not be partners with her." "Hard cheese." "Tell you what, to get you back on your feet," "I'll buy the whole thing and throw in some celebs - a Kylie or two." " I don't know." " Mmm?" "Um..." "All right." "I suppose I have to." "Kylie and a couple of the cancers, and for old time's sake, Lulu." "My people will talk to your... to you!" "I want to show you my badge." "What happened?" "Yes!" "We're back in business." "Back in business." "Bubble...?" "Take the desk." "Take the desk." "Memo to Lulu." "The boat that you row may cross no ocean, but I'll get you a British Airways ad." "Mmm." "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips." "I think I'm feeling a little fullness." "You can't have in two days." " Have you finished pithing that?" " Yes." "There are pans to be washed, darling." "You can't hang around me all day in my languorous wake taking in the nutmeggy fumes." "Oh, how I'm longing to see my browning loaf." "You're making so much mess." "Oh, my cuticles." "Will you look at those?" "I've so neglected them." "Apple syrup upside-down pie!" "I think you need to get your levels checked back at the gynaecologist." "There we are." "I think your levels might be too strong." "What are you saying?" "Martin said I'm perfect." "I went today. he squeezed me in between a cyst and a hysterectomy." "Can I have the icing sugar, please?" "And I'll do it." "Your sieving skills let you down." " Why are you doing this?" " Don't you like me?" "With hormones, I hate you more." "hello, darling." "Good day?" " Fine." " Fantastic." " Mum, do something!" " Wash your hands." "We're having TV dinners in front of the telly." "Don't go breaking my heart" "I couldn't if I tried" "Oh, honey, I get restless" "Dale, you're not that kind..." " I do like her hair." " Do you?" "You take the weight off of me" "Oh, honey, when you knocked at my door" "Ooh, I gave you my key" "Ooh-ooh" "Nobody knows it..." "Wipe your mouth, Eddie." "Darling, do you want champagne?" "Ooh-ooh" "Nobody knows it" "Nobody knows..." "I'm glad we didn't go out." "I've got something important to tell you." " What?" " It is a little bit special." "Are you all right?" " Darling, I am much blessed." " Why?" "I'm going to have a baby." "No!" " You can't!" " I can!" "They found one egg at the hospital." "But, darling, you haven't even got any ovaries." "They were just hidden." "They found a couple under my ribs." "That silly Arab doctor left them." "I'm going to have a baby." "What about all the little sperm, darling?" "I got my bid at the auction." "I've got a phial of Mick Jagger's." "Good old Mick." "We can put them together tonight and have a replanting ceremony." "What do you mean?" "Where are they?" " In the fridge downstairs." " No!" "No child should suffer you." "But, darling, think about it." "Patsy's hair, Mick's lips." " No." " I want the spare room." "No." "No." "No!" " Cheers, sweetie." " Cheers." "Have you got something in the oven?" "A pie burning?" "Ed, one should never be the oldest thing in one's house." "I'm not, darling." "I've got Saff." "Saff!" " Saff!" " Saffy!" "Saffy!" "Patsy needs changing, darling!" "Darling!" "Patsy needs changing!" "Let's dance, Eddie." "Let's dance." "Let's dance, Eddie." "Let's dance, Eddie." "Let's go." "Don't go breaking my heart" "Look at my shoes." "Don't go breaking my heart" "I couldn't if I tried..." "Oh, Eddie." "Let's have some Bolly, darling." "Some Bolly." "Let's have some Bolly and go and see Mick." "There we are, Ed."