"(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)" "(EXHALES)" "And I said, "You better show me your jingle balls."" "(HOUSE MUSIC POUNDING IN DISTANCE)" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "(LIGHT KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(SIGN SQUEAKING)" "(MUSIC BLARES OVER SPEAKER)" "(MUSIC FLICKERS ON AND OFF AT LOWER VOLUME)" "(INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "SILENT NIGHT")" "(MUSIC CEASES ABRUPTLY)" "(MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN)" "(COUGHING)" "(MUSIC CEASES)" "(WATCH BEEPS)" "(SINGLE BEEP)" "(WHISTLING "SILENT NIGHT")" "(HIGH-PITCHED TONE)" "(VOMITS)" "(COUGHING)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "(FAUCET RUNNING)" "(SNIFFING AND CLEARING THROAT)" "(DOOR OPENS) It's Christmas!" "(LAUGHING)" "What a night." "Why are you wearing?" "Huh?" "Well, it's for the charity auction, isn't it?" "There's a swimsuit round." "No, there isn't a swimsuit round." "Oh, fuck!" "Fucking Evie!" "She thinks she's got it in the bag." "There is no way that skinny bitch is gonna get one over on me!" "No way!" "The Managing Director won me." "I raised over a grand in this, Debbie!" "Who else is in the auction then?" "Heather." "What?" "!" "Planet Heather?" "Yep." "Really?" "No, really." "You retard!" "Fucking dick!" "(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)" "(INDISTINCT GOSSIPING)" "She'd have to use a tractor tyre as her sash." "She's heavier than (INDISTINCT)" "(LAUGHING)" "She's fat." "Yeah." "She puts the "fuck" in "fat."" "Do you remember the time at the office Easter Egg hunt?" "You know, when they found her having an (INDISTINCT), shoving Kinders in her cake hole?" "No." "That didn't happen!" "Oh yeah!" "Well fuck it." "Let's just say it didn't." "(INDISTINCT)" "Bitch do it." "Wait, wouldn't that be an egg..." "Look, I don't think her mouth discriminates when it comes to food." "In the same way that yours doesn't when it comes to cock!" "Wait what?" "Oh, please!" "The fact that your throat looks like the opening titles to "Look Who's Talking."" "Oh, I don't get it." "(SOUNDTRACK SWELLS THEN FADES)" "(LOUD THUD)" "What?" "Err?" "What is that?" "Oh, God!" "That pizza delivery boy got "rapey" under the mistletoe." "But Jeff swooped in and saved the day!" "What?" "Geoff from accounts?" "No, Jeff from I.T." "Jeff!" "Jefferoni!" "Jefferson airplane!" "Huh?" "He's the one." "You know..." "Heather the Heifer.?" "(LAUGHS) God!" "Then he took me into the copy room and photocopied my "O" face." "(LAUGHING) You are so naughty!" "Holly..." "What are you doing?" "Shhh..." "It's a Christmas party." "Someone's bound to do something stupid." "It might as well be us." "(MOANS)" "(LAUGHING)" "(KISSING)" "Shit!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Charlie?" "Charlie?" "One of the "crusties" from the basement." "Are you, are you decent?" "No!" "I'm indecent." "Now... fuck off!" "Can I come in?" "No!" "(YELLS)" "I just want my tool box!" "Fuck off, Charlie." "You're not even supposed to be here, Charlie." "It's white collar only." "You should be ashamed of yourself, Charlie!" "You shouldn't perv on people at Christmas, Charlie." "I wasn't!" "Look, look!" "I'm just looking for my tool box." "It's Christmas Eve." "I want to be home with my family." "Someone took my tool box!" "Oh!" "Fuck!" "Here!" "(GRUNTING AND STRUGGLING)" "(THROUGH DOOR) It's Christmas!" "Weak Charlie." "Real weak!" "(LAUGHING)" "Dick!" "(LAUGHS)" "What's that?" "Oi!" "(LAUGHS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(FLESH TEARING)" "(LOW GROWLING)" "(CHIME TONE)" "(FOOTSTEPS)" "(HEAVY BREATHING)" "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" "(COUGHS THEN SPEAKS IN FEMALE VOICE) Occupied!" "(GROWLING)" "(SCREAMS)" "Sorry, sorry!" "Sorry, sorry!" "Sorry, sorry!" "Sorry, sorry!" "Sorry, sorry!" "(BONES CRACKING)" "Sorry, sorry!" "Sorry, sorry!" "I'm sorry." "Oh God." "(MOANING)" "(HAND DRYER BLOWS)" "(YELLING)" "(CAN HISSING)" "(ZOMBIES MOANING)" "Fu..." "..uck!" "(CATCHING BREATH)" "(SNORTING)" "Jesus!" "Fuck!" "Help!" "Help!" "I'm stuck in the bathroom!" "There's zombies in your toilet!" "Ahh, ahh!" "(GROWLING)" "No!" "Go away!" "No, go away!" "No, no, no." "I want alive people!" "(YELLS)" "(MOANING)" "(STRAINED BREATHING)" "(VOMITS)" "(COUGHING)" "(COUGHING)" "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "(SNIFFLING)" "(SOFTLY) Hey!" "Hey, hello!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, hey!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "(DOOR THUDS)" "(SQUISHING SOUNDS)" "(GAGGING)" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Ah!" "(YELLING)" "(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)" "(GROWLING)" "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "(CELL LINE RINGING)" "Come on, come on!" "Come on, come on!" "Yes!" "(OPERATOR) Hello, Emergency Services." "Police, Fire or Ambulance?" "Oh, err?" "Who handles zombies?" "I dunno?" "Police, police." "Police, police." "Police." "OK, I'm just putting you through." "Thank you." "(LINE RINGING)" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "You've got to help me!" "I'm really, really trapped." "And there's all these..." "there's those... (OFFICER MOANING)" "Who's this?" "(MOANING)" "Zombie police." "(MOANING ON PHONE AND IN BATHROOM)" "Shut the fuck up!" "(OFFICER MOANING)" "("SILENT NIGHT" RESUMES OVER SPEAKER)" "(SOBBING IN ADJACENT STALL)" "Hey." "No, no, no." "Shush, shush." "Shush, shush." "Hello?" "Shh, shh!" "Don't cry." "Please..." "don't cry." "Shush, shush, shush!" "I didn't mean to hurt you." "I didn't mean to smash you in the head in with a... toilet seat." "And I didn't mean to stab you in the mouth with a screwdriver." "But... you tried to eat me... and you stole my trousers." "So..." "I'm not a zombie, you dick!" "Yeah." "Yeah, you are." "I came in a few minutes before the peep show." "I'm in the third stall along!" "Err..." "Okay." "Errr..." "Why didn't you say anything?" "Uhh..." "Because I was... busy?" "Busy?" "Busy doing what?" "!" "What do you think girls do in the bathroom?" "Um, well from my limited experience I'd have to say" ""lez up" and rip each other's throats out." "I worked with those girls." "Ahh, don't worry about it." "They were bitches." "You got a phone?" "No, it's gone AWOL." "Jesus, we're fucked, aren't we?" "Maybe?" "So, are you maintenance, a pervert or both?" "Maintenance." "Have have you got any tools?" "You must have!" "Come on, something we can use to like, cut off their heads or bash in their skulls!" "(SNARLING)" "Really good!" "Yes." "Yeah!" "Yeah, I've got shit loads of stuff!" "It's in my tool..." "Ahh!" "Don't!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "No, ahh!" "What are you doing?" "Learning a valuable lesson." "What?" "Nothing." "Where's this tool box?" "(SIGHS) Sink." "Oh, shit!" "Is there anything in your stall we can use?" "Only if you wanna wipe their arses and give them a posh wank!" "Maybe that's a cure." "Okay, well..." "Hey, you go first!" "You know what?" "Oh, don't worry!" "If you die in the process," "I'm gonna make sure they erect a big statue of you in the town hall." "You will be like... jerking off a zombie with one hand, scooping out his dirty crack with the other!" "Ahh!" "My hero." "(BLOWS RASPBERRY AND LAUGHS)" "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah!" "What's going on?" "Er, you've got another five dead arses to wipe." "Shit!" "So, what's your name?" "What's your name?" "Did you know Romero?" "Oh." "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah, it's not really." "That would be ridiculous." "It's Smith." "Evie Smith." "So, were you having a good time?" "Woah, woah, woah." "No, no, no, no!" "I was just trying to have a poo." "I wasn't doing anyth..." "At the party, numb nuts!" "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah." "It was, it was, um... kicking." "Really?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I was partying with Jeff." "Jefferoni!" "Jefferson Airplane!" "Yeah, Geoff from accounts?" "You're pals with Jeff from I.T.?" "He is, like, the hottest guy in the building!" "Yeah, people say we look alike." "So, um..." "Wow!" "Yeah, yeah." "We're mistaken for brothers all the time." "Actually, it's funny." "You don't sound... black!" "No, err..." "I'm more of a..." "pale... vanilla version of Jeff." "Jefferoni." "Jefferson Airplane." "(STAMMERING) And you're in a wheelchair too?" "What?" "(LAUGHS)" "I'm fucking with you!" "Hey, um, why don't you jump up on your toilet and give us a wave?" "Oh, I can't." "I hurt my back doing my party piece for the auction." "Hey, you know the Salt-n-Pepa routine that snagged three grand for the headless orphans of Uganda?" "Yep, that was me." "Thank you!" "(WHISPERING) Thank you!" "(STAMMERING) No, I didn't see that." "I totally missed that one?" "Don't worry." "I'll live." "Yeah, so what do you look like?" "What, er, me?" "I'm like er, er, a blonde Keira Knightley." "But with boobs." "Heh, I've always said she could do with losing a few pounds." "You know, I'm not gonna apologize for being able to squeeze into my size six hot pants." "I mean, the world's media goes fucking schizoid when a skinny model pops up on the cover of Cosmo, but, you know, who dares go after that fatty boom-boom... for glamorizing heart disease and diabetes?" "I mean, fuck, when, when was it a bad idea for a kid to put down a bacon double cheeseburger, huh?" "I think by the end of the week, the nations kids are gonna be living on a diet of intestines and eyeballs." "That's one hot potato we can flush down the loo." "Jamie Oliver's fucked (LAUGHS)" "Hey, you must be in bulimic heaven." "Yeah, why's that?" "(EXHALES HOT AIR)" "Well you know." "Living in a toilet, surrounded by skeletons." "Who said I was bulimic?" "Well, the alarm bells are ringing." "Fuck you!" "Alarm bells!" "Fucking alarm bells!" "Look, I'm not bulimic, okay!" "I may be a little anorexic, but..." "No, no, no." "Fire alarm!" "We can set off the fucking fire alarm!" "Ahh, great idea!" "Zombie firemen!" "Bigger zombies... with axes!" "Yay!" "Get them to pay us a visit!" "Okay, where are you?" "Yeah!" "Okay, all we need to do is bust the glass on that alarm and someone's just gotta come." "And how do we do that?" "(ELASTIC SNAPPING)" "(LAUGHING) Oh my God!" "Did you see that?" "(LAUGHING) Did you fucking see that?" "Yeah, I watching!" "I'm watching!" "Keep going!" "Let's go again." "Cheese and whiskers!" "What's her problem?" "!" "Er, I don't think she likes me using her bestest lingerie as a catapult." "Shit!" "Fuck!" "What's the ammo count, William Smell?" "Two." "For the love of fuck!" "(CELL PHONE BEEPS THEN CRUNCHES)" "Last one?" "!" "Yeah." "Well, make it count!" "(SOUNDTRACK MUSIC SWELLS)" "Don't worry guys." "I'm here to get you out!" "(EVIE) Whose that?" "!" "It's me, Jeff." "Is that Jeff from I.T. or Geoff from Accounts?" "Jeff from I.T." "Really, really good." "Okay, looks like this is all that's left." "Everybody else has gone full mongo, so let's get this show on..." "(GAGGING)" "What do you want to get the show on Jeff?" "!" "Jeff?" "Is it "the road," Jeff?" "!" "Oh!" "Are we getting the show on the road?" "!" "Jeff?" "!" "Oh, please, say we're getting the show on the road!" "What's going on?" "!" "Shut up!" "I got it!" "We're not getting the show on the road, are we?" "So..." "What are "we" doing for Christmas?" "Okay, I take it you're not a Christmas guy, huh?" "No, err..." "I'm not a Christmas guy." "You don't like Christmas?" "God, how can you not like Christmas?" "Do you know when, err, Garfield's birthday is?" "G-Garfield's birthday?" "Yeah, Garfield's birthday." "Uhh..." "No?" "It's June 19th." "It's, it's on June 19th." "Your tool box you forget, but the birth date of a cartoon cat you remember?" "Wow, that's prioritizing for you." "Why do you even remember that?" "(SIGHS) It's my mum's birthday." "Aww!" "That's sweeet!" "So what's your point?" "Everyday during my 30-minute break from... changing light bulbs and fixing photocopiers..." "I sit on the loo, I drink my coffee," "I eat my sandwich, and I flick to the back of the newspaper to see what Garfield's been up to." "Okay, it's always ultimately a slight variation on... pushing Odie off a table, or eating lasagna, or hating Mondays." "But it's enough." "Enough to get me through my fucking day." "Or at least raise a fucking smile." "I got this job straight outta school, so that means Garfield's been giving me a smile a day for ten years." "It's a decade of mild chuckles." "Which is infinitely more than what Jesus Christ has ever done for me." "So, next June 19th, will I be singing my Garfield carols, sticking up my Garfield tree and opening my Garfield cards?" "So, it seems slightly unfair and hypocritical of me to celebrate the birthday of another heavily merchandised fictitious character that will never, ever get me to crack a motherfucking smile." "(LAUGHING) You are fucking nuts!" "Yeah, well..." "God, if that's how you see things, why do you even wanna get outta this place?" "Fuck, I said I didn't like Christmas," "I didn't say I was suicidal." "Jesus Christ!" "So, you're close to you're mummy?" "What?" "!" "Well, you mentioned your mum?" "Is that who you're..." ""uncelebrating" Christmas with?" "Nooo." "You're not even seeing you're Mum at Christmas?" "I mean bug nuts atheist propaganda aside, isn't there anyone you wanna spend the Yuletide with?" "All right, well, I could layout the figgy pudding and mince pies on my dead dad's cider-soaked grave." "Or, okay, let me see." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "I could visit my cheating ex-girlfriend and watch her throw a Brussels sprout at my fucking head." "Yeah, and what about your Mum?" "Err..." "I haven't spoken to her for a while." "No?" "For how long?" "Couple of years?" "Kind of, borrowed some money off her... for college." "Didn't pay her back." "Well, that's not bad." "It was an education." "She's probably proud." "Yeah, proud." "You didn't go, did you?" "I got a BA Honors in fucking unblocking the shitter!" "Course I didn't fucking go." "What did you spend the cash on?" "Errr, I dunno." "Yeah, you do." "I lost it on a bet with Mikey, the pot-head security guard." "What did you bet on?" "2012." "That's a really weird time to have a horse race." "No, no." "The year 2012?" "What?" "!" "Mikey bet me that the whole Mayan Calendar... bullshit thing was..." "bullshit... and..." "Guess what?" "it was bullshit!" "Okay, tell me." "If you were right, if you had won that bet." "How were you expecting to spend the money?" "Like a motherfucking pimp, that's how!" "That's not what I meant." "Um..." "Well, let's just see how this whole situation pans out." "Mikey might be eating his words... or his kids." "Give her a call." "Who?" "Your mother." "My phone's filled with brains and piss." "I mean, when we get out of here..." "Just give mummy a call." "That kinda stuff's important." "How about your family and stuff?" "Oh, me?" "Ohh!" "You know what?" "I have a huge family!" "And we all go to Uncle Keith's for Christmas dinner." "Like, I mean, everyone goes." "Everyone..." "So, there's mummy and daddy, brothers and sisters, aunties, uncles, grandmas and granddads, nieces and nephews..." "You know what I can't help but think, when I see a large family like that?" "What?" "All those funerals." "You're a dick." "I"m just saying." "Yeah." "I don't want to hear it!" "You know, just a witty observation." "I don't want to hear it!" "Didn't mean any offense..." "Look, just grab your bra, pull your finger out and get us the fuck out of here!" "(MOANING)" "Yeah, yeah!" "Jesus!" "Christ!" "Oh fuck!" "What have you done?" "Oh, nothing." "I don't hear any alarms!" "Um, you'll be hearing some bells in a minute." "Okay, I honestly can't believe I'm gonna say this, but... have we got company?" "!" "Errr..." "Zombie Elf!" "What?" "!" "Where?" "!" "Look, he's gonna be popping up any minute." "Is there anything you can bash his head in with?" "With what?" "!" "Are you sure you haven't got any weapons of any kind?" "Oh well, only this Taser, but I'm only meant to use it in emergencies!" "You've got a Taser?" "No, I haven't got a Taser, you retard!" "Now fucking help me!" "How?" "!" "Think outside the box!" "Ha!" "Well, I dunno!" "Distract him!" "Slit your wrists!" "Cut your ear off!" "Use your brains!" "(DIGITAL RECORDER PLAYING) Use your brains!" "They eat flesh and blood, don't they?" "Besides self-harming, where am I gonna get blood from?" "From inside a toilet cu... bic..cle?" "Come and get it!" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh!" "(GAGGING)" "(STRAINING)" "We're okay." "Okay." "(WHISPERING) Be careful!" "(SLURPING AND GURGLING)" "Be careful!" "(STRAINING)" "Hey (INDISTINCT)!" "Look out!" "Woah!" "(EVIE YELLING) Go, go, go!" "Quick, go!" "Go!" "Come on!" "Quickly!" "Do it quick, quick!" "Fuck off!" "(YELLING)" "That went well." "(SQUISHING SOUNDS)" "(GROANING)" "(SIGHS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMS)" "He lives!" "Oh..." "Oh God." "I was hoping I had slept through Christmas!" "Nope, still one more sleep." "One more sleep." "Wish these fuckers would sleep." "God, I am sick and tired of zombies." "Tired and sick!" "Ah!" "Zombies!" "You know, now we know that zombies are real." "I wonder if other stuff's real too?" "What like?" "Ah, I don't know?" "You know like..." "Frankensteins or..." "Pikachus or... dinosaurs?" "Wanna make another bet?" "(COUGHS) Fuck you." "Are you okay?" "Pain." "Hang on." "When you were out for the count..." "I popped out and did a little bit of last minute Christmas shopping." "Yeah?" "Yep." "The missiles are flying!" "It's a Christmas present." "It's not Christmas yet." "Aw, didn't your mummy ever sneak you an early gift" "I was lucky if I was sneaked a gift on Christmas day." "Open it." "Better not be what I think it is." "Yeah, they were all out of Turbo-Men." "Open it." ""It's Turbo Time!"" "Mmm." "Come on." "It'll take the pain away!" "Yeah." "Jeepers creepers!" "You know what, you should thank your lucky stars that you didn't have to learn to appreciate gifts the way I did." "What do you mean?" "Okay, When I was 15... all I wanted for Christmas was my ears pierced." "I mean, like, I really wanted them pierced." "By this time, all my friends were wearing earrings." "I was the only one making do with these shitty clip-ons." "And I knew my mum was dead set against it but..." "You know, I thought I had a chance if I buttered up Daddy." "So, the week before Christmas, mummy was out getting the turkey, and Daddy and I were left alone, trimming the tree." "I asked him if I could, you know, get 'em pierced." "He ummed and he ahhed and he did the whole usual cliche'd responsible parent bullshit, but..." "I gave him the Disney Princess eyes and the little girl pout." "I put up a good fight." "So..." "after some serious thought," "Daddy strolled over to the liquor cabinet, poured himself some egg nog, drew the curtains and then, yeah, he told me I could get my ears pierced... if I sucked his dick." "So, yeah, I soon learned that I," "I must've inherited my bargaining skills from him, because as "Do They Know it's Christmas"" "played in the background, my knees were... sinking into the shag pile, and I was unzipping Daddy's chords and..." "I put my lips around his cock and... started blowing him and... even though it was the first dick I'd ever sucked," "I knew something wasn't right." "It..." "It tasted strange." "I pulled his boner out of my mouth, and I started spitting." ""What's wrong, Sweetie?" he said." ""Ooh, daddy!" "Your dick tastes of poo-poo!"" "Daddy looked me in the eyes, and he said," ""Yeah, that's because your brother wants a computer."" "(LAUGHING)" "Ah, it's good isn't it!" "(CAN POPS OPEN)" "Computer!" "Computer!" "I.T.!" "Fucking I.T.!" "What floor is this?" "!" "Seventh floor." "Seventh floor!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "I.T.'s above us!" "Yeah." "Jeff's dead, okay?" "Your hang-ups can die with him." "No, no, no, no!" "I.T.'s on the eighth." "Which means..." "Yes!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Motherfucking yes!" "Motherfucking what?" "I.T.'s above us." "Which means the hub..." "The what?" "(STAMMERING) The hub." "Yeah, I really don't need to upgrade my Dell right now." "No, no, no, no, no." "There's a crawlspace." "A crawlspace?" "Yeah, yeah... (GROANING)" "Hello?" "!" "Ooh." "Aah." "Uh." "Yeah, uh." "What was I saying?" "Are you okay?" "No." "Oh, shit." "Have you popped the pill?" "Yeah." "Okay, listen to me." "We need to get out of here." "Okay, you need to focus." "(FEMALE VOICE) Hmm..." "But the queen is swimming in my toilet." "Hello!" "Oh poo!" "He's a light weight." "Okay, dude!" "Dude, listen up!" "Err?" "Okay, you're gonna have to sweat this out." "Yeah, you're gonna have to get this out of your system" "Ibiza style." "Ooh!" "Hello?" "Hello!" "Santa's coming to my house!" "Right." "Okay." "(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKER)" "Ooh, now this is good!" "We can use this." "We can use this!" "Now the party really has started!" "Wooh!" "Are you dancing?" "This is the Christmas party, isn't it?" "!" "Come on!" "Move it, mister!" "Oh." "Come on, you!" "Get up and shake that boo-tay!" "Err, think I'm hemorrhaging." "You know you want to!" "Let's party like it's the last night on earth!" "Errr..." "Come on!" "Get up and show that toilet duct what you're made of." "(VOLUME INCREASES)" "That's better." "Pick up the pace, granddad!" "Hey, Swayze!" "You okay?" "!" "Er, yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "You sure?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's wearing off." "It's totally wearing off." "(MUSIC KICKS IN FULL VOLUME)" "(♪ )" "(SONG BREAKS DOWN)" "(♪ )" "(SONG KICKS BACK IN)" "(EVIE) Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Huh?" "I've been calling you for 45 minutes!" "Are you detoxed yet?" "!" "Yeah." "(EVIE LAUGHS)" "You know, I think we're onto something." "A party in a toilet." "It's genius!" "Urination is expected of you and it doesn't matter if you puke!" "(LAUGHS)" "You know..." "You really didn't strike me as the kind of girl who sells herself to the highest bidder on Christmas Eve." "What kind of girl do I strike you as?" "One that's better than that." "Well, appearances can be deceiving." "You don't strike me as a low-life thief." "(CHUCKING) Ah, what?" "You really don't strike me as the kind of guy who swipes his boss's tool box, the kind of guy who steals a load of cash... charity cash... on Christmas Eve." "Woah, woah, woah!" "That's not my fault, okay?" "It's not!" "They accused me of nicking toilet paper, which I didn't do!" "I didn't!" "But they fired me anyways." "I'm low on funds, so I thought." ""Fuck it!" "I'm gonna nick as much stuff as I can before I fuck off."" "Aw, you're like a reverse Santa Claus!" "So, you thieve hard-earned charity money and steal belongings from your work colleagues at Christmastime?" "Wow!" "You're shaping up to be a real champion of champions!" "Bet you're wishing you'd waited 'til I was done shaking my booty, then you'd be three grand better off." "Looks like once again, you took a gamble that didn't pay off." "Hey, if I'm doing the time." "I'm doing the crime, okay?" "I'm only doing this so I can pay my mum's rent before New Year's." "Your mum?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "My M..." "I thought you said you haven't seen your mum in years." "(SIGHS) No, I haven't spoken to her in years." "Well wait." "(CHUCKLES)" "So you live with your mother." "But you don't speak to her?" "Is that right?" "!" "(LAUGHING) You're like an undercover mummy's boy!" "Look, at least I'm the one telling the truth here, okay?" "The shit's meant to go in the crapper, not spray out of your fucking gob." "Ah, accuse me of having verbal diarrhea, if you will." "But not talking things out can seriously damage your health." "I'm guessing this whole zombie outbreak thingy was probably caused by some stupid fucker keeping things bottled up like a B-list celebrity fragrance." "Probably some mad scientist too proud to tell his lab assistant that his bits were dropping off." "Or he was beginning to hanker for a brain sandwich." "And now look!" "Life's too short to harbor silly grudges." "So if..." "Sorry!" "When... you get out of here..." "Give yourself a Christmas present." "Call your fucking mum." "She deserves it." "You deserve it." "Wait a minute!" "What?" "Your phone?" "!" "The one that's full of brains and piss!" "It wouldn't happen to be a black Modasung, would it?" "Yeah." "Fuck!" "So the reason I couldn't call for help!" "The very second this thing went down." "The reason I can't call my family to check if they're okay, was because you stole my phone from my desk, to film two drunken bimbos experimenting in a sink?" "!" "Oh, you are a pig!" "It's nothing personal!" "I thought it belonged to that fat chick." "You're a fucking disgrace!" "Oh Jesus, come on!" "(DOOR THUDS) Shit!" "(MOANING)" "So what's this "amazing" plan?" "!" "Uh..." "Right." "Wow." "Yeah, okay." "Err, if the blueprints in the office are right... there should be an access panel about... ten feet east." "Well, how does that help us?" "!" "If we can get into the crawlspace... we can shimmy our way to the access panel and be home in time for Christmas." "Yeah, I thought you hated Christmas." "Ho, ho, fucking ho." "So, how wide's this crawlspace?" "Couple of feet, I guess." "I might have to suck in the guts but you'll be okay." "(SCOFFS) This is never gonna work." "How are we gonna get in there?" "Err, hold on a sec." "What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "This is gypsum board." "This is two sheets of gypsum." "I can knock through this." "I can bash through this." "With what?" "!" "My hammer." "(MOANING)" "(GROWLING)" "Who the hell is that?" "!" "It's my boss." "Shit, shit." "Shit." "Shit." "(SQUISHING SOUNDS)" "I'm scared." "I'm really, really scared!" "Oh god!" "Do something!" "Hey Charlie!" "Hey Charlie, up here!" "How ya doing?" "(LAUGHING) You alright?" "Oh, Merry Christmas and all that." "Um, look, about your tools... uh, yeah." "I was actually polishing them." "The season of goodwill and all that." "But I had to throw them all away so I could fit in the money which I stole!" "Oh fuck!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Getting hammered!" "(YELLING)" "Jesus!" "(CHARLIE ZOMBIE GRUNTING)" "Watch it!" "Come on!" "Hurry up!" "Evie, I've got it!" "I've got it!" "(SCREAMING)" "What's happening?" "!" "What?" "!" "(GLASS BREAKING)" "(YELLING) No!" "Oh my God!" "No, no, no!" "Are you sure?" "!" "Did you... (YELLING)" "Fuck it!" "Oh shit!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "(CRYING IN PAIN) Oh my God!" "Oh God, I'm so sorry!" "I'm so, so sorry!" "You shouldn't have bothered to try to save me." "Why not?" "!" "You're worth 3000 pounds." "You know I'm not!" "And I'm sorry for calling you a disgrace." "I know you're not a bad guy." "I know there's a conscience hidden under that... grease-stained cap and all your..." ""me against the world" bullshit." "I mean, who else steals from their place of work on their last day but..." "completes their shift?" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "What?" "(LAUGHING)" "What?" "!" "Charlie bit me!" "What?" "!" "Charlie bit me!" "What, what?" "!" "(LAUGHING MADLY)" "(EVIE YELPS)" "Oh my God!" "Ah, ah!" "Oh, gross!" "(DOOR THUDS AND ZOMBIE GROWLS)" "What are you doing?" "!" "Get ready for our first date!" "(KNOCKS TWICE ON WALL)" "(EVIE KNOCKS TWICE)" "It's me you idiot!" "Right, okay." "Err..." "Stand back!" "I'm gonna started on the wall okay!" "Okay?" "(EVIE KNOCKS)" "(LAUGHING) I can see... you." "I told you this isn't gonna work." "Your name isn't Evie, is it?" "You're Heather the..." "Oh, go on say it." "Just say it!" "Heather the Heifer!" "Heather the fucking Heifer!" "I should've known." "I should've known!" "How could I have been so dumb?" "!" "So fucking dumb?" "!" "Why?" "Why would Jeff..." "Jeff from IT., be interested in a disgusting blob like me?" "So yeah, I am "the fat chick."" "And I was crying when you met me because they'd set me up." "They told me to come in here and wait for my Christmas present?" "And guess what?" "It never came." "So, the only reason that I'm stuck in this upright coffin is 'cos I'm dumb." "Dumb, fat and desperate." "The big girl who will never get the guy." "And never, ever fit in that crawlspace." "Look, Heather..." "I don't even know these people." "I wasn't even invited to the Christmas party." "Yeah, I know that." "I knew all along." "You're too nice." "I'm sorry I stole your phone." "Yeah well..." "I'm sorry I laughed at the fact that you got no job and you live with your mum." "(LAUGHING)" "I wanna thank you for this evening." "'Cos this was my first, only and last date." "And it was a delight." "Last?" "I know you don't celebrate, but..." "I'm gonna give you your Christmas present early." "What do you mean?" "You really don't need me weighing you down." "Heather, don't touch that." "Wish your mum a Merry Christmas for me." "Heather, don't fucking touch that!" "It's a Christmas party!" "Heather." "Somebody's gotta do something stupid." "Heather, don't..." "Fuck!" "(GROWLING AND FLESH TEARING)" "No!" "No!" "(WHIMPERING)" "(WATCH BEEPS)" "(CATCHING BREATH)" "(BOTH YELLING)" "(HAMMER DROPS)" "(FEMALE ZOMBIE GURGLING)" "(DIGITAL RECORDER PLAYING HEATHER'S VOICE) Use your brains!" "(REWINDING) Use your brains!" "(REWINDING) Use your brains!" "(REWINDING) Use your brains!" "(ZOMBIES REPEATING) Brains!" "Brains!" "Brains!" "Brains, brains!" "Brains!" "Brains!" "Brains, brains!" "(HEATHER'S VOICE) You're a dick!" "A low-life thief." "I don't wanna hear it!" "You are shaping up to be a real champion of champions." "You're a fucking disgrace!" "Once again, you took a gamble that didn't pay off." "You are a pig!" "You're an undercover mummy's boy!" "(ECHOING) Mummy's boy." "Mummy's boy." "(ZOMBIES) Brains!" "(ZOMBIES MOANING)" "(HYPERVENTILATING)" "(COUGHING)" "(CATCHING BREATH)" "(SCREAMS)" "(MOANING)" "(INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY")" "Evie?" "Are you all, like, weird like those fuck-ups upstairs?" "Err..." "No." "(SIGHS) Thank Christ." "Top floor is full of 'em." "They're like so annoying." "(MUZAK CONTINUES IN ELEVATOR)" "God, I hope Holly's alive." "I just wanna see the look on her fugly face when I tell her I went for three grand at the Christmas Auction!" "Three fucking grand!" "It's a company record." "It's lucky I didn't get this 'til after." "Woulda got deducted points." "You got bit?" "Yeah..." "Geoff from Accounts." "It's so inappropriate and unprofessional." "Why does this thing take so fucking long?" "!" "I swear Holly only made 700 plus change." "(LAUGHING) I said to her..." "I said, "Heather the Heifer could've done better!"" "Heather..." "Heather didn't make it." "Aww." "Heather the Heifer." "D'you know she seriously thought Jeff from I.T." "was gonna bang her this evening?" "(SIGHS) Uh, he's umm..." "He's looking for you." "What, really?" "!" "Wait!" "Jeff from I.T.?" "!" "Jefferoni?" "!" "Jefferson Airplane?" "!" "Jeff from I.T.?" "!" "Really?" "!" "He's here?" "!" "Smell ya later!" "Hey, Evie!" "Merry Christmas." "(♪ )" "(CHANGE DROPS INTO PHONE)" "(PHONE LINE RINGING)" "Hey!" "Hey mum!" "It's me." "What do you mean "who?"" "Me, your son?" "Yeah." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I..." "A work jacket and a cap." "Yeah, I'm warm enough." "Yeah, mum?" "Are you okay?" "Okay, just lock all the doors and the windows." "Just check, okay?" "Because I'm worried!" "Because I'm your son and you're my mum." "And someone told me to." "A friend." "Look Mum, I've got, yeah, a work jacket and a cap." "Yeah, mum, I'm fine." "Look, I've gotta go." "I'll be home in time for Christmas." "Okay?" "Yeah." "I need the toilet." "(HOUSE MUSIC)" "(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)" "(SIGHS)" "(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)" "(EXHALES SHARPLY)" "(DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN)"