"Hey, Dad." "Jake-O." "Take your seat." "Dinner's almost ready." "Hmm." "Let me guess." "You've convinced the Peljenites to exchange Ambassadors with the Federation." "How did you know that?" "Ah!" "You're cooking chicken paprikish." "Paprikash." "You only cook Hungarian food when you're in a really good mood." "You know, I always said that you are a smart child." "Runs in the family." "Huh." "You know, I have some good news, too." "Captain Yates is back on the station." "Huh." "Kasidy Yates." "Who?" "The freighter captain I told you about." "The one you want me to meet." "I could, uh, invite her over for dinner." "How about tomorrow night?" "Jake, I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here." "I know you want me to meet her, and I will." "Just let me handle it my way." "You're going to like her, Dad." "You never know." "The place is packed." "Where's Nog?" "I gave him the night off." "You what?" "He's studying for his Starfleet exams." "He's a very dedicated student." "He's a disgrace to this family and to Ferengi everywhere." "He should be here, helping us earn profit not in his room learning how to be more like a human." "He doesn't want to be human, Brother." "He just wants to join Starfleet." "It's the same thing." "Don't you see?" "That's how it begins." "All it takes is for one impressionable youngster to join Starfleet, and the next thing you know a whole generation of Ferengi will be quoting the Prime Directive and abandoning the pursuit of latinum." "It's the end of Ferengi civilization as we know it." "And it's all your fault." "Relax, Brother." "Nog isn't going to destroy the Ferengi way of life." "He just wants a job with better hours." "You must be Quark." "That's me." "What can I do for you?" "Brunt, FCA." "The Ferengi Commerce Authority." "A Writ of Accountability." "We're in trouble." "All right, everyone." "The bar is closed." "Everybody out." "Go, go, go" "Now, everybody." "This way." "Everybody out!" "Out." "Everybody out!" "So, how do you get to be an FCA Liquidator, anyway?" "Hard work, bribes, sucking up to the boss-- just like any other job." "Are these all your assets?" " Yes." " No." "Down to the last slip of latinum." "You realize concealing financial information from the FCA could result in severe fines." "I would never dream of trying to hide anything from the FCA." "We'll see." "Uh, can I look over those figures again?" "Yes." "Wait a minute." "That can't be right." "Rom, you forgot to include the profit figures for the tulaberry wine franchise." "But you told me..." "Go get them now." "Yes, Brother." "You'll have to excuse Rom." "He means well, but he can be a lobeless idiot sometimes." "Hmm." "Please, provide a dermal imprint for FCA records." "But you haven't even told me what I'm being charged with." "No, I haven't." "Oh!" "How rude of me." "For your troubles." "You're being charged with violating Ferengi Trade Bylaw" "Subsection 1,027, Paragraph Three." "Subsection 1,027, Paragraph Three?" "I'm not sure I'm familiar with that one." "Well, in that case, you need a copy of the Bylaws." "Which you just happen to have." "Subsection 1,027..." "Paragraph Three." ""Improper supervision of a family member."" "You are being held accountable for the criminal activities of one Ishka daughter of Adred, wife of Keldar." "Ishka-- you mean our mother." "What's she done?" "She's charged with... earning profit." "Earning profit?" "Our Moogie?" "Odo, I'm holding you personally responsible for the safety of my bar and my personal possessions for as long as I'm off the station." "And make sure my thieving brother doesn't touch anything." "Going somewhere?" "Back to the homeworld to take care of some business." "Little trouble with the FCA?" "How'd you know?" "Huh." "I won't be gone long." "All I've got to do is get my mother to confess to her crimes and I'll be on the next transport back the station." "Your mother?" "What's she done?" "It doesn't matter." "The important thing is, I'm required by law to get her to admit her wrongdoing make reparations and reveal her accomplices." "And that is what I'm going to do." "Assuming she cooperates." "Well... she'd better." "I have no intention of spending my latinum to make restitution for her crimes." "I will wring that confession out of her, if I have to." "This is your mother you're talking about?" "Don't remind me." "Ah!" "Ah" " Chief O'Brien wants to know when you can stop by and inspect the new runabout." "I'll be available at 1400 hours." "Tell him that I want to name it the Rubicon." "The Rubicon it is." "You know, the rate we go through runabouts it's a good thing the Earth has so many rivers." "Hmm." "Have you met her yet?" "Met who?" "Captain Yates." "How did you know about her?" "Jake introduced us." "So, are you going to ask her out for dinner?" "I'm considering it." "What did you think about her?" "Let me just put it this way." "If I were Curzon, I'd have stolen her from you by now." "That's one of the reasons" "I'm glad you're not Curzon anymore." "Brother, wait!" "I'm coming with you." "No, you're not." "Yes, I am." "What did I tell you about contradicting me?" "You told me not to do it." "That's right, so you're going to stay here and watch over the bar while I'm gone." "No, I'm not." "The bar is closed." "There's no reason why I can't come along." "You want a reason?" "I'll give you a reason." "I don't want you to." "And you know why?" "Because you'll just take her side." "You mean Moogie." "Yes, I mean Moogie." "Stop calling her by that infantile nickname." "But she likes it." "Well, I don't." "Well, she does." "You see?" "You always take her side." "Somebody has to." "After all, she is our mother." "Now, I'm coming with you and that's final." "All right!" "Fine." "Come if you want." "Just remember one thing:" "This is between Moog..." "Mother and me." "So if you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of the way." "Welcome to our home." "Oh." "Um." "Please place your imprint on the legal waivers and deposit your admission fee in the box by the door." "Remember, my house is my house." "As are its contents." "It's good to be back, isn't it, Brother?" "Now that you mention it, no." "But you haven't been here in 20 years." "If I had my way, I would have been gone another 20." "Oh." "Hmm" " Mother certainly has been acquiring quite a few new things." "Uh, doubtless with the generous stipend you give her." "Look, Brother." "The latinum tooth sharpener I used when we were children." "All I had was a cheap wooden chew stick." "Excuse me for interrupting but we do have business to attend to." "As a registered Liquidator it's my duty to present a formal list of the infractions committed by your mother." "You have three days to obtain an admission of guilt from the accused." "Three days..." "is that all?" "If you're not able to obtain a confession, your mother will be placed in indentured servitude and you will be required to make restitution for her crimes." "Do you understand everything I've said to you?" "He understands, all right." "Not that it matters." "I'm not confessing anything." "Moogie." "Oh, it's good to see you, son." "You look well." "And you look... dressed." "Oh!" "Now, now..." "Your mother is wearing clothes." "Mother, get undressed this instant." "Hello, Quark." "You haven't changed a bit." "Perhaps I should leave." "Perhaps you should." "Wa... was she addressing me?" "No, no, not at all." "Of course I was." "This is my home, and I'll speak to whomever I want." "But, Moogie, he's a stranger, and you're female." "It's all right, Rom, I know what I'm doing." "Perhaps you do, but I will not stand here and be spoken to by a female." "Wait, I'm sure there's an explanation." "You have three days to get your house in order." "Now, see what you've done." "Oh." "Quark, you're upsetting your brother." "He's not the only one who's upset, not that anyone cares how I feel." "That's not true." "I care." "Then imprint this and take off those clothes." "I'm not doing anything of the kind." "Yes, you are." "You're going to make a full confession so that I can go back to my bar and pretend none of this has ever happened." "You mean, we're leaving so soon?" "Rom, this is your home." "You can stay as long as you like." "Or leave whenever you like, it's up to you." "Same old Moogie." "Yeah." "Are you sure this is absolutely necessary?" "Well, I don't know if I would call it necessary." "Constable, there's no telling how long Quark could be away." "All we want is our dart board." "Well, can't you just replicate another one?" "We could." "But we're not going to." "That's our dart board, and we want it back." "If Quark was going to run off, the least he could do is give us some warning so we could retrieve our property." "It's the principle of the thing." "Hmm." "Well, getting it back might not be as simple as you think." "This is one of Rom's special security locks." "I've never seen anything so convoluted." "Gentlemen... is there a problem?" "Ah, well, it seems that Quark has locked some of Chief O'Brien and Dr. Bashir's personal property inside the bar." "Ah, let me guess." "Your lucky dart board." "We never said it was a "lucky" dart board." "We're just used to playing on it, that's all." "A little defensive, aren't they?" "Ah, well, it looks like it's a tripartite micro-sealing mechanism." "It's going to take you a long time to get through that one." "If you want any suggestions" " I'll be in Cargo Bay..." " Four." "Huh?" "Seven." "Oh, uh... well, I thought..." "Thought what?" "I thought you were going to... talk to the freighter captain." "You know, uh, Jake's friend?" "Oh." "How do you two know about her?" "The Chief told me." "Exactly how many people has Jake told about this woman?" "Everyone." "Huh." "Tube grubs, extra juicy." "Just the way you like them." "What are you doing?" "Serving dinner." "That's Mother's job." "She's not feeling well." "Not feeling well?" "Wait a minute." "That's not bad." "We could say she's having emotional problems." "We might even be able to get the FCA to drop the charges, in light of her illness." "Actually, all she has is a slight rash." "Her skin's still a little sensitive to clothing." "That's hardly an excuse not to serve her sons dinner." "Look at this." "She hasn't even softened the grubs for us." "You know Moogie." "She never liked chewing our food for us." "Not even when we were children." "Oh, she always had her own way of doing things." "You remember how the other children used to tease us about her?" ""Your mother won't chew your food."" ""Your mother talks to strangers."" "It's like she went out of her way to embarrass us... not to mention Father." "Oh, I remember." "There were nights when I would find him sitting slumped in this chair." "He'd say to me, "Quark, I don't know what I'm going to do about that female."" "No wonder he never earned much profit." "He was too busy worrying about her." "I thought Father did all right." "He could have done a lot better if she'd just behaved herself showed him the respect he deserved." "Well, she may have dragged Father down but she's not doing the same to me." "It's time someone put her in her place." "Have anyone in mind for the job?" "Mmm..." "Dank and musty." "I hand-picked them from the cellar." "Mother, we need to talk." "Forget it, Quark." "I am not imprinting the confession." "Why not?" "Imprinting the confession doesn't take away from your achievement." "Just admit to what you did, and tell the FCA the name of any male who might have helped you." "What exactly did she do, Brother?" "Never mind what she did." "Why don't you tell him?" "Or would you prefer I did?" "All right." "She took a part of the monthly stipend I send her and invested it in a Hupyrian beetle farm." "High-quality beetles." "The best." "Really?" "How much did you make, Moogie?" "Three bars of gold-pressed latinum." "Three bars of latinum?" "Isn't the FCA overreacting a little?" "It doesn't matter whether it's one slip or a hundred thousand bars." "Females are not allowed to earn profit!" "Why not?" "!" "Because it's the law, and without law society would descend into chaos." "If you ask me, this society could use a little chaos." "Not if I have anything to say about it!" "Gee, I wish Father were alive." "Then it would be just like old times sitting around the family table eating tube grubs discussing important issues of the day." "Mother..." "I know you're not like other females." "You like to think about things." "You have opinions." "Is that a compliment or an accusation?" "It's a fact!" "But what's also a fact is if you don't imprint this confession you'll be sold into indentured servitude and I'll be forced to make restitution." "But, Brother, it's only three bars of latinum." "And I'm not going to let those three bars destroy this family." "If our disgrace is made known, do you think we can ever do business with another Ferengi again?" "I wouldn't do business with me." "Mother!" "Please!" "For our family's reputation... for your son's financial future... please, imprint the confession." "I can't." "I wish you could understand, Quark." "I understand perfectly." "You're a selfish female who never cared about this family about Father or about me." "Oh..." "I see you haven't changed your bedroom, Moogie." "It's still very..." "traditional." "I keep it this way to remind myself how idiotic Ferengi tradition can be when it comes to females." "Oh." "Rom, is something wrong?" "Wrong?" "No." "Not... really." "Except... your clothes." "Would you feel more comfortable if I took them off?" "Well... maybe... just a little." "All right, if it will make you feel better." "But only for you." "Better?" "Much!" "You know, Moogie... it really would mean a lot to Quark if you imprint that confession." "He's made that quite clear." "I know he can be headstrong and overbearing not to mention mean..." "and insulting and rude but he's not all bad." "He works hard." "You should see the bar." "It's thriving." "I'd like to." "But Ferengi tradition doesn't allow females to travel." "Quark doesn't make the rules." "He just lives by them." "Like a good Ferengi." "Like an unenlightened Ferengi." "Oh, Moogie, can't you give back the three bars of latinum?" "If you don't, you're going to destroy everything" "Quark's worked for." "You always were a good boy." "I don't think Quark knows how lucky he is to have a brother as loyal as you." "He knows." "He just doesn't like showing it." "If you cooperate with the FCA" "I bet I can convince him to increase your stipend." "This isn't about money, Rom." "Quark has always been more than generous with my stipend." "I have more than enough to live on." "If it's not about money, then what is it about?" "It's about pride." "And knowing I'm just as capable of earning profit as any male." "Don't you see?" "If I imprint that confession" "I'll be admitting that what I did was wrong." "I'm not going to do that." "I'd rather be sold into servitude." "But what about Quark?" "He's a smart boy." "He can take care of himself." "Enough about your brother." "Let me see your teeth." "My teeth?" "Why?" "They're looking a little dull." "Why don't you sit here and I'll sharpen them for you?" "Here we are." "Oh, Moogie... you're the best." "Oh!" "Pardshay, don't be an idiot." "Go get an antigrav sled before you hurt yourself." "Why don't you just beam it to your cargo hold?" "Well, I wish I could, but it's unstable biomatter." "Oh, the transporter should still be able to handle it as long as you adjust your phase-transition inhibitor." "Provided I had a Mark VII transporter." "You're still using a Mark VI?" "A Mark V." "Ah, a Mark V." "I thought they, ah, stopped making those things... 15 years ago." "But when you're working for the Petarians you have to make due with what they give you." "Oh, let me guess..." "Commander Sisko." "Benjamin." "Kasidy." "Kasidy Yates." "Yes, I know." "My son has told me a lot about you." "Well, I think Jake fancies himself something of a matchmaker." "He means well." "He does get a little too enthusiastic now and then." "Oh, damn, that sounds like the inertium ore." "I better go see what's going on." "I'll give you a hand." "I can take care of it." "Of course." "Sorry about Jake." "How about coffee?" "Say tomorrow evening, 1800 hours?" "Sounds good." "I'll see you tomorrow." "There's nothing like sleeping in your old room." "So, how was your night?" "Mother's been busy." "Really?" "I didn't even know she was up yet." "I mean, she's been busy." "I've been doing some checking." "This isn't about three bars of latinum." "You mean she earned more?" "A lot more." "So much that I haven't been able to track it all down." "She's been operating under dozens of different aliases, conducting transactions all over the Ferengi Alliance." "Do you know what this means?" "It means Moogie's got the lobes for business." "Even if I sold everything I have" "I couldn't come close to paying back what she's earned." "I'm ruined." "Brother?" "I-I-ls everything all right?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh..." "I'm so proud of you, Quark." "I mean, other people in your situation might overreact and lose their temper make a bad situation worse." "But not my brother." "Hmm." "You're too smart for that." "You're going to sit there and study the problem and then come up with a clear, simple solution." "I already have." "Oh, you see?" "I told you." "What is it?" "I'm going to kill her." "Moogie!" "Aha!" "Caught you." "Give me that." "Give you what?" "That padd you just hid." "It's a letter to your cousin Stol." "Likely story." "Mm-hmm, I knew it." "You were trying to hide more profits." "Well, it won't work." "I know all about your little financial empire." "It's not so little." "Then you admit it?" "Brother, calm down." "I'm sure Moogie has a perfectly good explanation for what she's done." "Don't you, Moogie?" "Since when does a Ferengi have to make excuses for making profit?" "You're a female." "And when it comes to profit this female is a better Ferengi than you'll ever be!" "You expect me to believe you did all this on your own?" "Oh, you had help." "Admit it." "Tell me his name." "I'll see to it the FCA hangs him by his lobes in the Sacred Marketplace." "Quark, sometimes you can be so thickheaded." "Now, Moogie, there's no need to be insulting." "Of course there is." "Insults are the only thing he understands." "He's so blind with jealousy, he can't even think straight." "Me?" "Jealous of you?" "Ho, ho." "You're just like your father." "Why would Father be jealous of you?" "Because he knew" "I had the lobes for business, and he didn't." "I tried to help him-- give him financial advice-- but he wouldn't listen to me, because I was a female." "What other reason did he need?" "Females don't belong in business." "Give me one reason why not." "Because it's wrong." "You're going to have to do better than that." "No I'm not." "It's the law." "That was good enough for Father and it's good enough for me." "A lot of things were good enough for your father." "He was a lobeless failure!" "And if you're not careful, you're going to end up just like him!" "That does it!" "Brother, where are you going?" "To the FCA." "Let's see what they have to say about your financial empire." "Brother, wait." "Out of my way, Rom." "No, I'm not going to let you hurt Mother." "She's no mother of mine." "Why?" "Because of what she said about Father?" "Did it ever occur to you that she might be right?" "How dare you take her side against Father's?" "!" "Oh, don't tell me about Father." "I knew him a lot better than you did." "You went off as soon as you reached the Age of Ascension but I stayed here for ten more years." "Oh!" "And you know what I learned in those ten years?" "I learned that Father was no financial genius." "Take that back!" "It's the truth!" "He went from one bad deal to the next... one failure after another!" "He couldn't hold onto latinum if you sewed it into his pants!" "Take that back!" "No!" "Quark, Rom!" "That's enough!" "Let him go!" "But, Moogie!" "Stop it!" "Stop it, both of you!" "If your brother wants to go to the FCA, let him." "But you'll get in trouble." "I'll worry about that." "Go on." "What are you waiting for?" "!" "That is the steepest 40 flights of stairs" "I have ever climbed." "Seven strips of latinum to use the elevator." "Talk about inflation." "Huh, refined dilithium down ten percent?" "Huh." "The name's Quark." "I'm here to see Liquidator Brunt." "Of course." "I'll tell Liquidator Brunt you're here." "Have a seat." "How much?" "Three slips." "I'll stand." "That'll be one slip." "I'll give you two for the chair." "If you're here to deliver an imprinted confession you can leave it with me." "I'll see that Liquidator Brunt gets it." "Tell Brunt I need to talk to him now." "I have information that could shake the very foundation of the Ferengi Alliance." "Brother, wait!" "I have to sit down." "Uh-uh!" "That'll be three slips of latinum." "Brother... can you loan me...?" "Yeah, yeah." "Here." "Now what do you want?" "I have a message from Moogie." "There's nothing she could say that would interest me." "She'll share it with you." "What was that?" "Her profits, 50-50." "Tell Brunt I'll talk to him later." "Come on." "Let's try out that elevator." "But it's so expensive." "I can afford it." "For your trouble." "Mother, I want to apologize for all the terrible things I said." "I was angry and I got carried away." "I'm sorry." "Apology accepted." "I'm just glad Rom was able to catch you before you made a horrible mistake." "It would have been a shame to waste all of that profit." "I'm glad we agree." "So... how much latinum have you made?" "Does it matter?" "I just want to make sure that everything is divided fairly." "Divided?" "!" "50-50, just like you said." "I never said that." "You said he'd let me keep all the profit for myself!" "I said no such thing." "Sol lied... to both of you." "I had no choice." "It was the only way to get the two of you talking again." "There's nothing to say!" "Don't get your lobes caught in the door on your way out!" "That's enough bickering!" "You're both acting like children!" "Who do you think...?" "I will not stand by and let this family fall apart!" "Quark, you should be ashamed of yourself." "I've seen you treat Cardassians with more respect than you show your own mother." "And, Moogie... if Quark can uncover your hidden investments eventually the FCA will, too!" "And then all that profit will be lost." "Think about that for a moment." "Now, neither of you is going to leave this room until you've settled things!" "Is that clear?" "!" "And no shouting!" "I'm going to take a nap." "He's a sweet boy." "That's easy for you to say." "He doesn't live next door to you." "You're too hard on him." "You always have been." "I had to be." "You were always too easy on him." "Maybe if you pushed him a little bit harder he would have amounted to something." "I doubt it." "When it comes to business, he's a lot like your father." "You enjoy insulting Father, don't you?" "I'm not insulting anyone." "I'm just being honest." "Rom's a lot like his father." "And you..." "I suppose, are a lot like me." "I never knew you felt like that." "Your father might have bought you your first copy of The Rules of Acquisition but who helped you memorize them?" "You did." "I don't think I've ever been prouder... than the first time you made it through all 285 Rules without a mistake." "Rom knows them just as well as I do." "But you understand them." "Rom never did." "And neither did his father." "But even if Keldar didn't know the first thing about profit he knew everything about family." "He was a good husband... and a wonderful father." "And I loved him for that-- the way I love Rom... and the way I love you." "You mean that?" "Yes, I suppose I do." "If it'll make you happy..." "I'll give back the money." "You'll imprint the confession?" "You're my son, Quark." "How can I refuse you?" "You don't know how much this means to me." "I know exactly how much this means to you." "Oh, Moogie..." "I love you." "There's no place like New Orleans for simple pleasures-- good food, great music." "Hmm." "Sounds like a great place to grow up." "The best." "Can I get you another raktajino?" "Uh, no, I'm... fine." "You seem a little preoccupied." "It's just, when we made our plans" "I forgot, uh..." "I had a previous engagement." "I see." "Oh, it's not what you think." "It's kind of a family obligation." "You see, my youngest brother, he's a colonist on Cestus III." "That's on the other side of the Federation." "Well, it's so far away it takes two weeks for a subspace transmission to get here, and I'm expecting one tonight." "I promised my brother I'd listen to it as it came in." "I hope nothing's wrong." "Oh, not unless he hurt himself again." "Last time, he tore some ligaments in his knee." "How'd that happen?" "Uh... he was doing something called "sliding into second."" "S-s... sliding into second?" "Yes." "That sounds like baseball." "You know about baseball?" "It's my favorite sport." "But no one has played it for 200 years." "Well, they're playing it on Cestus III." "At least, they have been for the last six months." "I had no idea." "That's fantastic!" "How many teams are there?" "Uh, six, but they're trying to organize a couple more." "I..." "I didn't know you liked baseball." "I didn't know anyone else liked baseball except me and Jake." "Uh, look, this transmission I mentioned uh, it's an audio recording of a game between my brother's team, the Pike City Pioneers and the Cestus Comets." "Uh... well, if you'd like you're welcome to listen to it with me." "Well, I'd..." "I'd love to." "Oh, great." "Well..." "Oh..." "Tell me, does your brother's league use a designated hitter rule?" "Oh, no, they thought about it, but decided against it." "Ah." "Wood bats or polyduranide?" "Wood, of course." "Do you think your brother could use a right-handed pitcher?" "Oh, no." "Everything seems to be in order." "I'm glad we can finally put an end to this matter." "I certainly hope you have learned your lesson." "And what would that be?" "She's speaking to me again." "No, she wasn't." "She's speaking to me." "Now, what were you saying about a lesson?" "Ah, the lesson is:" "No one can outsmart the FCA." "I think she's certainly learned that." "Your mother's confession will serve as a warning to females all over the Alliance." "Oh, I don't think anyone has to know about this." "After all, what would people say if they knew a female had earned... that much latinum?" "I shudder to think." "Good-bye." "I sincerely hope I never see any of you again." "The feeling is mutual." "I thought he'd never leave." "Mother... must you?" "Quark, I've just given up a sizable fortune." "I'm in no mood for your nagging." "You're absolutely right." "If you want to wear clothes, go ahead." "What do I care?" "I'm leaving, anyway" "So soon?" "I have to reopen the bar." "It's supporting all of us now." "Well, you know, you could call your mother every once in a while..." "maybe even visit." "I Will." "I promise." "Let's go, Rom." "I'll be along in a moment, Brother." "I'm glad to see you two are finally getting along." "Yeah, I think things will be a lot better between us from now on." "As long as he doesn't find out you only gave the FCA a third of your profits." "If you ask me, a third was too much." "Well, it's my own fault for not hiding it better." "You sure the FCA won't find the rest?" "I've got it hidden so well, I'll be lucky if I can find it." "Oh, Moogie..." "Now, Rom, don't start crying." "You'll get me doing it." "Go on, go on." "Quark's waiting for you." "Take good care of your brother."