"Can I lick the envelope when you're done ?" "I like knowing my spit's going all the way to France." "The furthest my spit's ever gone before is wherever that hippie who asked us for directions was going." "Just remember, up and down, not side to side." "You don't want to cut yourself again." "I don't normally write letters, much less to foreign countries, but I'm doing #44 on my list picked on a French kid." "He was an exchange student from France who went to my school." "His name was Pierre, and he was kind of different." "That's the kind of kid I liked to pick on." "Good morning, class." "This is our exchange student, Pierre." "Welcome to America, Commie." "Pourquoi ?" "And picking on someone was always the one thing in school I could concentrate on." "But like my grandmother's French poodle, eventually that little bitch bit back." "Time's up." "Trade quizzes with your neighbor." "Number one :" "the answer is 47." "Earl Hickey has it wrong." "What are you doing ?" "Reading your quiz." "Cut it out." "In America, we don't read them out loud." "Answer two is 12." "Earl Hickey put 5." "Plus, there is a booger on the page." "He put it there." "It's a French booger." "I think it's funny when people look stupid, except when that person is me." "This school wasn't big enough for the two of us." "So I decided to let Pierre know that his choices were go home or die." "Go back to where you came from, you stupid jerk." "It worked." "Pierre left the school, the country and never came back." "So I sent Pierre a plane ticket and a letter asking him to give America another try." "I also put in a picture of myself so he'd remember who I was." "I can't wait for you to give Willy the mailman your envelope." "When he sees he's got to go all the way to France, he's going to be pissed." "Two weeks later, me and Randy both got something exciting in the mail." "Pierre's coming to visit, Randy." "And I got my Rainbow Sugar Bits night light." "Catalina's going to like this." "She loves rainbows, and it smells like fake fruit cereal." "And chicken." "Oh, that's just my hand." "The reason Randy was hoping Catalina would like the night light was'cause their relationship had changed in a major way." "After Catalina got deported, Randy married her so she could get back in the country." "Then they got an apartment in case Immigration checked up on them." "And today was moving day." "Only Randy wasn't sure if he was actually moving." "Hey, Earl, you think she wants me to sleep there or am I supposed to just leave my stuff ?" "Only one person knows the answer to that." "God." "Maybe." "And also Catalina." "Oh." "Randy wanted to ask her, but every time he started thinking about sleeping at Catalina's, he started thinking about sleeping with Catalina." "Hey, Catalina, I'm..." "And thinking about that made him giggle." "Uh... would..." "I didn't ask her." "Sometimes being an American means going all out to say you're sorry to a foreigner you strangled." "I didn't know what the French flag looked like, so I just drew that boot shape to represent France." "Actually, Italy is the one shaped like a boot." "Really ?" "What's France shaped like ?" "It's just an amorphous country shape." "Yeah, I don't think I can draw that." "But I think Italy's near France, so I'll just go with the boot." "Why the hell are you making something up to a French guy anyway ?" "Can't stand French people." "Dated a guy from Quebec once." "He was obsessed with my feet." "Your feet ?" "!" "Are you kidding ?" "You got that toe that's turned away like it's mad at all the other ones." "That's what I'm saying." "Probably all like feet." "Whole damn country's shaped like a boot." "That's Italy." "Pierre ?" "Earl ?" "Earl Hickey ?" "Pierre..." "Damn, I thought you people were afraid to fight." "Oh, a World War II joke ?" "That's fresh." "Holy crap !" "That head butt was so damn rad." "You know what ?" "Maybe French people ain't so bad." "I mean, I love your nail tips and I been doing your kind of kissing since I was 12." "Now I shall bid you adieu." "What ?" "Wait." "You... you just got here." "And I did what I came to do." "So I'm catching my return flight and leaving, before anything more than the soles of my shoes touches your pee hole of a country." "What'd he just say ?" "It's okay, Joy." "He-He just had a long plane ride." "Plus, I strangled him." "Which I'm sorry for, Pierre." "And I want to make it up to you, so just stay a few days, and I'll show you what's great about America." "I would rather eat the foie gras of a substandard goose." "I have a taxi waiting." "Wait, Pierre..." "Sorry about your purse." "This is Louis Vuitton." "This isn't the kind of bar you want people to know you named your purse." "In France, you would be in a zoo." "I knew Pierre would be back." "Not because what I said convinced him to give America another try, but because I had temporarily stolen his wallet and passport." "*Zut, alors !" "*" "Hey, change your mind ?" "No, my wallet and passport are missing." "You check your purse ?" "You son of a bitch, it's a satchel." "Look," "I know this didn't go how either of us planned, but, hey, maybe this is Karma saying you should give America another chance." "You know, one of the cool things about us is that we like to take in foreigners and help'em when they're down." "Yeah, right." "Give me one example." "You ever see E.T.?" "Oh, you mean that movie where your government kidnapped an innocent alien and almost tortured him to death ?" "Oh, and then when he escapes they chased him with guns, forcing him to flee America and fly back home ?" "You ever see the movie Moscow on the Hudson ?" "Since replacing a passport and credit cards takes a while," "Pierre had no choice but to be my guest in America." "So I got him a motel room right next door to mine." "So I am guessing there is no 24-hour concierge ?" "Uh, if "concierge" is a fancy word for hooker, they'll be around as soon as the methadone clinic closes." "I don't..." "Now I'd like to present to you a very special gift, a token from me to you of friendship and super national understanding." "It's a Statue of Liberty bobblehead." "I know, stupid, it came from France." "No, it says here it came from China." "No, the original." "It was a gift for humiliating England." "And what did you do with it ?" "You floated it in the sewage from New Jersey and allowed millions of obnoxious tourists to drop gum and snow cones in her bosom." "I never knew the Statue of Liberty was a woman." "I had a lot of questions about America for Pierre, but I wanted to be the expert, so I kept my mouth shut and just showed him the stuff I did know." "And there was a lot of stuff right here in Camden that made America great." "Like the gravel pile." "Pretty cool, huh ?" "Sometimes we throw pennies in there and then when they make a new road, we go looking for them." "Haven't found any yet." "Let's see some other stuff." "I took him to see Camden County's largest freeway pileup." "Now imagine this spread out a mile along the freeway." "It made the Guinness Book of World Records." "Okay, that's a lie." "But it's probably in a book somewhere." "He was hard to please." "He wasn't even impressed by some of Camden's most beautiful sites." "It's like taking a trip around the world, huh ?" "You see all the Jesuses ?" "When you walk by the black one, he winks." "I had shown Pierre a ton of gravel, smashed cars and fancy art." "I didn't know how to top it." "So I needed help from some people who loved America." "And on Friday night," "The Crab Shack's crawling with them." "How can you not like this country ?" "It's got everything you want." "Except for a big-ass fence on the border." "We're working on that, too." "In America, you can get a hamburger as big as your head and a marshmallow as small as your pinkie toe." "We got baseball, roller coasters, and a system of jurisprudence based on Jeffersonian democracy and not the Napoleonic Code." "That little dude was wack." "Racial harmony, pursuit of happiness, Seinfeld..." "Dream Date," "Northern Lights, Maui Wowee," "Mendocino Greeno," "Carolina Sugar Bud, government medicinal..." "It's not bad for legal weed." "Big-ass malls, Santa Claus, kid leashes..." "Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Dig Dug," "Mrs. Pac-Man, Frogger, Mrs. Frogger..." "We don't have that one yet, but I'm sure the scientists are working on it." "Macy's Thanksgiving Parade..." "Rose Bowl Parade..." "Homo Pride Parade." "All the wars we've won..." "Revolutionary, Spanish-American," "1812..." "We won that war 18 to 12 ?" "That was a close one." "Women shave their armpits." "We play football the right way." "Lance Armstrong..." "Vive la France !" "I was about to give up on changing Pierre's mind about America, but then I realized maybe there was a better person for the job." "But America's such a great country." "Everywhere you look there's toilet paper." "Some of it even has lotion in it." "Mmm, it takes a lovely woman like you to make such a horrible place sound so wonderful." "It is wonderful." "America is the land of the free and the home of the slaves." "Oh, Catalina, you have that, um..." "*Comment est-ce qu'on dit ?" "* how do you say...?" "*Je ne sais quoi.*" "Isn't this great ?" "Americans and foreigners sitting around having fun together." "It's true what they say." "America really is a melting pie." "Earl !" "Earl !" "Earl !" " Earl ?" " What, Randy ?" "The French dude likes Catalina." "I know, it's great, isn't it ?" "It's the first time he smiled since he got here." "He wouldn't even smile at Giggle Belly." "Who's not going to laugh at this ?" ""Hey, I'm a baby." "Watch me suck my thumb."" ""Hey..."" "You neither ?" "Maybe I'm drawing him wrong." "This is important, Earl." "He's hitting on her and I think she likes it." "Randy, you're overreacting." "He's making eyes at her, Earl." "Just like that French skunk does with the girl cat, only this time the girl cat's not trying to get away." "Just relax and trust me." ""Or you'll get a kiss."" "Shut up, Giggle Belly." "And that is why they call it the city of light." "Wow, Paris sounds so beautiful." "It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." " Until now." " Really ?" "Camden's prettier ?" "You are so modest." "I love that about you." "Excuse me a moment." "Wow, he's going to the bathroom." "That's disgusting." "I like him." "I think he's kind of sweet." "Go back to where you came from, you stupid jerk." "Catalina is mine !" "Pierre, what happened ?" "Your brother squished my throat." "Damn it, Randy." "What the hell'd you do, Randy ?" "I strangled him a little." "Randy, you're screwing up my list." "He was making a move on Catalina." "Well, so what if he was ?" "Huh ?" "Look, there's always going to be guys who want to ask your wife out." "She's hot." "Besides, she isn't your real wife." "She doesn't even know you love her." "I'll tell her when the time is right." "When's that gonna be, Randy ?" "You keep dragging this thing out and you're driving me crazy." "If you're not man enough to talk to Catalina," "||all you deserve is a green card marriage." "Stop it." " Green card marriage." " Stop it, Earl." " Green card marriage." " Stop it !" "I'm warning you !" "Stop it !" " Stop it, Earl !" " Oh, gross, Randy." "Ugh !" "It's got a hair on it." "Randy, what are you doing ?" "Stop saying what you're saying." "I'm only saying it'cause you know I'm right." "Leave me alone !" "Stay out of my life !" "Fine, but nothing's going to change until you grow a pair and finally tell Catalina." "Grow a pair of what and tell me what ?" "Nads, and, uh, I..." "I, um..." "I've been wanting to say something to you ever since I saw you and, and... called dibs." "I think you're the most beautiful, sweetest girl I ever met, and" "I want to squash bugs for you and pick you up over puddles, and be a real husband because I love you." "I love you, too, Randy." "Earl." "Earl." "What am I gonna do ?" "Randy thinks I love him." "Well, that's what happens when you tell a man you love him." "What else could I do ?" "I didn't want to humiliate him in front of all of those people." "Look, I've got to go talk to Pierre before he gets on a plane." "Just find a way to let Randy down easy." "Be honest and he'll understand." "And when you talk to him, if one of your breasts accidentally falls out of your shirt, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world." "Pierre ?" "Pierre ?" "Go away !" "I have an attack dog in here." "Down, boy." "Pierre wouldn't answer when I knocked, so I spent all night trying to get his attention through a bullet hole in the wall." "Look, Pierre, I know you don't want to talk, but you're my guest, so I have to give you breakfast." "I hope you like Rainbow Sugar Bits." "Earl." "I'm giving breakfast to the French guy." "Hey, can I borrow your master key to break into his room ?" "Any time." "Guess what ?" "Last night, Joy told me how to solve my problem with Randy." "You don't really love that doofus, do you ?" "No, I just didn't want to hurt him." "I hear you." "Listen, nobody is more sensitive to hurting people's feelings than me." "Tell you what you need to do." "You need to have sex with him." "This feels like the time you told me the public pool was topless." "I forgot about that." "My boys still ask about you." "No, this is serious." "Once I had a breakup with this dude from Quebec, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he was assistant manager at Sam Goody and I was getting all kinds of free cassettes." "So I slept with him." "Only I made sure I was terrible at it so he'd never want to do it again." "You slept with a guy for free cassettes ?" "Just once." "It was before CDs." "Don't you judge me." "What you need to do is get yourself all stinky, smelly and nasty." "Don't shower, don't shave, let that mustache grow out a little." "If you're bad enough at it, he'll never want to have sex with you again." "You can just go back to being friends." "Thanks, Joy." "That might actually work." "Wait a second." "How old were you ?" "CDs came out in 19..." "Okay, I said don't judge me." "By tomorrow he might not want to have sex with me ever again." "He may not want to have sex with anyone ever again, but that is not my problem." "Well, good luck with that." "Hey, Earl, guess what ?" "I know, Randy, I know." "Oh, good, you're eating." "Look, I just want to apologize for what my brother did." "It's a long story and... he ruined it." "I was going to get the girl with my sexy accent." "That never works at home." "Wait, you don't talk like that at home ?" "Everybody talks like this at home." "That is why we come here, to get that edge." "But that edge is worthless if someone is always going to be blocking the rooster." "I don't think you translated that right." "It's always the same with you Hickeys." "Every time I get close to the romance, you screw it up." "Just like when we were in school." "Turns out, while I was hating Pierre, the girls in the class were loving him." "You are so funny, Pierre." "When you held up Earl's quiz, he looked like he was going to cry." "And the best part is, it was my booger." "I am going to the lavatory, and when I come back," "I will judge the kissing contest." "He never got to judge that contest 'cause when he went into the bathroom, I strangled him." "No wonder none of the stuff I did made you smile." "You didn't come here to learn about America." "You came for the girls." "Yes, of course." "First I was going to kiss the redhead." "Then I was going to kiss the blonde." "Then I was going to make the redhead kiss the blonde." "Ah !" "I had it all planned out." "Then it hit me like a head butt." "I knew how to cross Pierre off my list." "Pucker up, my French buddy." "We're going to find those girls." "So the next day we went out to find the four girls he didn't get to kiss." "And Pierre was right about one thing." "That accent cut right through all the small talk." "Finding the girls wasn't nearly as hard as I thought." "It was a beautiful thing watching Pierre's French accent blend with our native tongue." "There was one girl from class we couldn't find." "Fortunately, she had a real friendly sister." "Since the first four went so well, Pierre decided to tell me about a fifth girl he had a crush on." "And I knew right where to find her." "I learned something that day." "Whether you speak French," "American or that crazy clicking sound they make in the jungle somewhere, there's one language that everybody can speak, the language of love." "You know what, Pierre ?" "I was a little iffy on you, but" "I was wrong." "You're a good guy." "I feel like I made a friend." "Me, too." "I was wrong about America." "When I was young I dreamt it was a wonderful place, and you made the dream come true." "Well, come back sometime and maybe I'll help you get to second base." "Oh, but of course." "I will come back the next time I need a break... from my stupid wife and kids." "What ?" "While I was trying to figure out if I needed to put Pierre's wife on my list," "Randy's wife was putting stuff on her armpits." "In fact, she was doing anything she could to make sure she gave Randy the worst night of his life." "Catalina ?" "I'm ready to, uh..." "Catalina ?" "Climb in bed, Randy, and make love to me the way your father does to your mother." "That night Randy learned that two hours of torture could wipe out almost two years of love." "Ow, ow, ow, that's sharp." "Joy's advice to Catalina worked perfectly." "But there was one thing Catalina hadn't planned on." "That was amazing." "Randy." "Where are you going ?" "I have to, uh... to... to the motel." "Please, don't go, Randy." "That was the best sex I ever had." "You were so sweet and so caring." "I felt so loved." "Really ?" "Because I was just trying not to barf." "I know." "I..." "I smell like fish, cheese and onions." "But that was on purpose." "I could wash it off." "You can't wash off the fact that you pretended to be my mo..." "I'll never be able to shake that." "I'm sorry." "I don't want to hurt your feelings or lose you as a friend." "But this is just a green card marriage." "Randy, come back." "You were amazing." "Please, don't go, Randy." "Randy, please." "You were amazing." "Randy, please, don't go...!"