"It's just all she seems to talk about ls this bloody dog, you know?" "It's like "Ooh, Colln did this" and "Ooh, Colln did that", and I'm sick of lt, you know?" "and I'm sick of lt, you know?" "I should talk to her, but she's been so happy ever since Colln arrived on the scene." "She'd been having a hard time." "She'd had some articles rejected, she'd split up with her boyfriend." "To top lt all off, her hair looked stupid all the time." "Then Colln arrives on the scene and she's writing again." "She doesn't seem that bothered about Rlchard and her hair looks good!" "Tlm, I know how you feel about dogs and I know how you feel about Dalsy." "Sometlmes, where friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made." "You're saying we kill the dog?" " No." " Spollsport." " Count to 1 00?" " All right." "1 , 2, 3, 4, 5... I used to know this guy Mlnty." "He had a dog who he'd train to attack rich people." "He was into the whole class-war thing." "He called the dog Gramscl after an Italian Marxlst." "Rumour has lt, lt could smell wealth from up to 20 feet." "(Barklng and snarling)" "The thing ls, lt all backfired." "Mlnty won 100 grand on a scratchcard... and Gramscl bit his knees off." "That's terrible." "Not really." "He used the money to buy new knees." "So what happened to Gramscl, then?" "Well, no-one knows, although some people still believe he roams wild on Hampstead Heath." "(Whlspers) Close to the meat." "Hlya!" "(Slghs)" " ls that lt?" " Well, lt's not what lt ls." "It's what lt will be - a cold-blooded killer." "It's a fact, sure as day follows night, sure as eggs ls eggs, sure as every odd-numbered Star Trek movie ls shit." " Ahhh!" " Mwah!" " l'm going shopping." "Do you want anything?" " A crossbow?" "And also, lf Rlchard calls, tell him I'm out with Colln." "We'll make him pay, won't we?" "We'll make them all pay." " Who's Rlchard?" " Ex-boyfrlend." " Your ex-boyfrlend?" " No, Dalsy's ex-boyfrlend." " My ex-boyfrlend." " Oh, I'm sorry." "What happened?" "Well, you know, I was upset but I'm not any more, you know." "In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster." "You know, you forget you've got one." "It just sits on top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge." "If you see lt, you assume lt's broken, otherwise you'd be using lt all the time, but you don't and lt just sits there." "Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches and you get lt down and lt works and you can't believe lt, you know." "You make every kind of sandwich there ls, you have toasted-sandwlch parties." "You make Marmlte and cheese and chocolate and..." " Pllchards." " Banana and..." " Acorns." " Acorns." "Then as quickly as desire comes, lt just goes, and then you put the toasted-sandwlch maker away" " and... you know what?" " (Both) What?" "You don't miss lt." "So what you're saying ls "Don't hide the toasted-sandwlch maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him."" "No, she's saying "Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich."" "Anyway, I've got to go cos l'm meeting Twlst." "Don't you just love my hair?" "(Slghs)" "How can you not like him?" "He's so cute." "Ahh!" "That's how lt all starts, with "Oohs" and "Aahs", but later there's barking and biting." "He's a ticking timebomb of death, Dalsy." "You give him all the love ln the world, you spend years dotlng on his little furry head and one day you get back from aerobics and there he ls, panting over the half-eaten remains of some hapless handyman" "you left fixing the tumble dryer." "We don't have a tumble dryer." "You will, my friend, you wlll." "Look, Tlm, I know that I've been..." "insensitive, OK, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep-seated psychological disorders." "Thank you." "But Colln lives here now and I'd like lt lf we could all live happily, you know?" " Your mum remarried, didn't she?" " What's that got to do with anything?" "Well,... you know what lt feels like to be... to be a stepchild, to be resented by a patriarch." "My stepdad was a nice guy!" "(Screamlng)" "Tlmmy boy!" "All right, I'll give lt a try." "Thanks, Tlm." " So, what are you doing tonight?" " Brlan's coming up." "To see you?" "I went to a gallery with him last week, so he's coming up to see the Star Wars Trilogy." "It's like a cultural exchange thing." "Do you mind lf we sit ln?" "We could be like independent observers." "No, not at all. I'll get some popcorn." "And a muzzle." "Ooh!" "Sorry, mate." "You idiot." "Why don't you watch where you're going?" "Takes the fun out of lt. (Laughs) I just know this street well. I've never seen an evil, susplclous-looklng man here before." "What makes you think I'm evil and susplclous-looklng?" "All right!" "I was just being friendly." "'(Ewoks singing)'" "It's so moving." "(Sobs)" "Llttle Ewoks." "An entire empire brought to its knees by small furry creatures." " That's my point exactly." " Leave him alone." "Dld you notice that everything that transpired ln those films, and I mean everything, can be attributed to the actions of one very minor character?" "Who?" "The gunner on the Star Destroyer at the beginning of the first film." "How come?" "Well, lf the gunner had shot the pod that C-3PO and R2 were ln, they wouldn't have got to Tatoolne, they wouldn't have met Luke," "Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewle, they wouldn't have rescued Prlncess Lela - none of lt would have happened." "Chaos theory." " Eh?" " The predictability of random events, the notion that reality as we know lt - past, present, future - ls ln fact a mathematically predictable preordalned system." "So somewhere out there ln the vastness of the unknown ls an equation... for predicting the future?" "An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless." " Oh, my God." " What?" "What?" "I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes ln my coat pocket." "(All) Oh, Mama!" "Oh, Daddy, let's all play kabaddl." " You get 'em, Dalse." " l made the tea." "I opened the window." "Brlan, lt's your turn to do something." " Colln needs to go out for a walk." " l opened the window." "Yeah, I made the tea and Brlan's getting the Jaffa Cakes." "Shlt!" "It'll give you a chance to get to know each other." "All right, all right, I'll do lt, lf lt'll make you happy." "Come on, then, Cujo, or whatever your bloody name ls." "Stay away from me, mind." "Go on." "What's the matter with you?" "Just do your thing." "Just do lt." "Do lt." "Just go, will you?" "Oh, right." "Well, hurry up." "(Yelps)" "Come on, you bastards." "I know you're up there." "Come and get me." "Take me to your homeworld." "Come on, abduct me!" "Shlt!" "Colln's been abducted!" " What do you mean, he's been abducted?" " Yeah, by a crocodile or something." " A crocodile?" "!" " Or something." " You let him go, didn't you?" " Wha...?" "!" " Dalsy, I'm sure Tlm..." " No, Brlan!" "He's had lt ln for him from the start." "Now, Dalsy, I admit I wasn't keen on the idea of getting a dog, but I would never stoop so low as to do something like that." " l think you know me well enough." " Do I?" "Dalsy!" "I obviously don't know you as well as I thought!" "Ow." "Do you want a Jaffa Cake?" "No." "I can't believe she'd think that." "She's upset and not thinking straight." "People say things they don't mean ln those situations, she's just lashing out at someone close to her." "Thanks, mate." "It's all right." "So what did you do with lt, then?" "Colln!" "Colln!" " Colln!" " Colln!" "(inaudible)" "Colln!" "Colln!" "Colln!" "Colln!" "Colln!" "Col..." "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." "Colln!" " Colln!" " Colln!" " Colln!" " Colln!" "Come on, you little..." "Colln." " Any luck?" " No." "Thls came." ""To whom lt may concern, I'm writing to inform you of the whereabouts of your dog."" ""Colln has been taken by a man named James Eldrldge, a freelance vlvlsectlonlst."" ""l cannot return your dog personally, but the lab site ls located 1 1 -1 3 Kettle Road, N1 ."" ""Colln ls being kept ln Terrapln 5."" ""The lab has a skeleton security staff of one."" ""l hope this information ls of use to you." "Yours ln search of justice,... ..a friend."" "Thls came with lt." "Call Twlst, get Brlan, I'll get Mike." " What are you gonna do?" " We're gonna get our dog back." "(Mllltary drumming)" "(Polnter cracks) I'd like to thank you all for coming." "Dalsy and me, we..." "We really appreciate lt." "We all know this ls gonna be tough." " Do you want a Bourbon?" " Ooh, thanks very much." "One of our number ls ln trouble and we have to help." "Thanks to the information obtained by Mlke," " Hello." " ..we've got a rough idea of the lab's layout." "The main gate ls here, the guard hut ls here, and Terrapln 5, where we believe Colln ls being held, ls here." "We'll go over the fence here. lt's two metres high, so we'll have to do some climbing." " lt's impossible." " lt's not impossible." "I used to climb over my neighbour's fence when I was a kld. lt was about two metres." " Mlke and Brlan will handle the guard." " Why Mlke and Brlan?" "Because you're tallest and Mlke's good at handling people." "Brlan's not bad at handling people, are you, Brlan?" "Once inside, Dalsy, Twlst and myself will locate Terrapln 5." "When we flnd lt, Dalsy and Twlst will stand guard and I'll go ln for Colln." " Why are you going ln?" " Because I'm the one that lost him." "I want you all wearing black tonight." " All black?" " All black." "I don't know much about security lighting, but I'm guessing they'll use 1 80-degree dispersing halogens with motion sensors, so we'll have to stick to the shadows." "Any questions?" " Are charcoal-grey pumps OK?" " Yes, they'll be fine." "If we get separated, we'll meet at the Beech Tree Inn on Stone Street." "Brlan, put your hand down." "Mlke, I'll see you here at 2200 hours, everybody else, I'll see you here at ten." "(Makes whlrrlng sound)" " That's very..." " (Mlmlcs alr being released)" " That's very good, Mlke." " Ta." "Well done, Dalsy." " You've done really well, Twlst." " lt's from the DKNY open-warfare range." " Well, great." "Well done." "What's this?" " lt's my make-up bag." "We're rescuing a dog from an anlmal-testlng laboratory - there'll be lots of make-up there." " Oh, lt's for luck." " Twlst..." "Tlm!" "Let her take lt." "OK." "When we get there, lt's important while we're doing this we don't use our real names." "From now on, we'll be using code names, OK?" "Mlke, you're Luke." "Brlan, you're Chewle." "Dalsy, you're Lela." "Twlst,... you're..." "Jabba." " l'm Han." " Can't I be Han?" "No!" " Sound off." "Luke?" " Ho." " Chewle?" " Erm, me." " Lela?" " Yes, Tlm..." "Han." " Jabba?" " ls Jabba the princess?" " (All) Yeah." " Here!" "OK. (Breathes deeply) Let's go get Colln." "Brlan?" "Come back ln one piece." "Yep." "You know what piece I mean." "OK, this ls lt, people." "None of us have ever done anything like this before, apart from Mlke who, as we all know, once stole a tank and tried to invade Parls." " Hello." " We're through the looking glass here, OK?" "We've been given a responsibility and lf we don't do this, nobody else will." "Good luck, and I'll see you at the Beech." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " Oo-ooh!" " What are you doing?" "The gate's open." "Erm, excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me!" "Let's play." "OK, this ls lt." "Stand guard." "If lt gets pear-shaped, just go." "Han!" " Good luck." " You too, Prlncess." "Thanks!" "(Gulps)" "You must get terrible headaches looking at the screens all day long." "Oh, lt's all right, really." "I find lf l keep a little bottle of eye drops handy, lt's not too bad, really." "You should get one of those eye masks with the cooling gel ln. I find them very soothing." "Oh, that sounds nice, yeah." "Colln?" "Colln!" "Colln!" "What if they set the dogs on us?" "Don't worry, Twlst." "We trap 'em." "Ahh-ah, ahh-ah, ahh-ah!" " Shh!" " Sorry." "(Laughter)" "Colln?" "Colln!" "I'm risking a lot being here, you know." "You're only doing lt cos you fancy Chewle." " Brlan?" "!" " Yeah." " Uh-uh." " Uh-huh." " Uh-uh!" " Nn!" " Uh-uh!" " Eh-eh-eh!" "(Yelplng)" "(Meowlng)" "(Yelp)" "Colln!" "Ahh!" "You stay back, OK, I'm coming ln." "Italian make, 9mm parabellum, 1 3 ln the clip, one ln the spout." "Klll zone." "Feel that." "That, my friend, will mash up through the engine block of a Flat Uno, no problem." " How's lt feel?" " lt's so cold." "You're always wlggllng your arse when he's around." " l do not!" " You do, I've seen you." "Yes, well, what about you and "Han"?" "Tlm?" "!" "What about me and Tlm?" " Run!" " Colln!" "(Alarm)" "Come on!" "Er, 1 4 across, three letters - "To walk at speed, manage or oversee."" "(Alarm)" " Run!" " Bye." "No, walt!" " We're stuck!" " Do something with lt." "No, you're all right, Offlcer." "Must have been a fox or something set off the motion sensors." "No, everything's fine." "You stay where you are." "There you go." "There's, erm, a bit of a knack to lt." "It was you who sent the letter, wasn't lt?" " Yeah." " Why?" "Well, Eldrldge left one of the Portakablns open last week." "I couldn't believe lt, all those little animals ln cages." "I'd never have taken the job lf l knew what he was up to, but... I knew he'd clean away any evidence lf l went through the official channels, and when Colln arrived, I saw my chance." "See, I..." "I've always been a bit of a yes man, you see." "(All) Have you?" "Yeah." "So I thought lt was time I just stood up and said no." "Aren't you worried about getting ln trouble with the police, being involved ln a break-ln?" "It won't look very good on your permanent record, will lt?" "There's not much I can do about that, ls there?" "Walt a minute, everyone. I've got an idea." "What?" "Vollà!" "Bllmey." "There you go - lt wasn't your fault, we beat you up." "(Raucous laughter)" "Hey, I suppose I'd better call the police, then, eh?" "(Laughter)" " You lot had better get off." " Rlght." "Colln says thanks. "Thanks!"" " "Bye!"" "Bye." "Dalsy, look at this." ""Sclentlst James Eldrldge, wanted by police for his involvement ln an illegal laboratory, ls missing today."" ""Eldrldge, whose nefarious dealings may have earnt him ln excess of £250,000, was last seen on Tuesday near Hampstead Heath."" "(Tlm's voice echoes) Hampstead Heath, Hampstead Heath." "Close to the meat, Hampstead Heath." "He roams wild on Hampstead Heath, Hampstead Heath." "(Snarllng)" " Hello?" " (Snarllng)" " ls anyone there?" " (Snarllng) I can assure you, this isn't the least bit amusing." " (Snarllng) - (Screams)" "( Coldcut:" "More Beats and Pleces)" "(Scratchlng effects)" "Honey, I got rhythm" "(Laughter)"