"At the last Soccer World Cup, the South Korean team had 7 players with the same surname:" "Kim." "It was so complicated that their first names were added to their shirts." "But some also had the same first name." "My name's Arthur Martin." "15,207 people in France have the same name." "I've always felt like I'm in the South Korean team." "My name's Baya Benmahmoud." "No one else in France has that name." "Thanks for coming." "I'm Alain Bédouet." " Arthur Martin." " Any connection to the..." "Cookers?" "No." "Use the yellow mike, please." "We've had a lot of calls about that duck." "The Phone is Ringing, hello." "What's your question?" "OK, thank you, sir." "Hi, I'm Baya." "Pretty name." "Is it Brazilian?" "Baya Benmahmoud." "It's Algerian." "Arthur Martin, hello." "You work for the OED." "What does "OED" stand for?" "Office of Epizootic Diseases." "The organization monitoring the development of animal epidemics." "Since the discovery of that dead duck in a village pond..." "A mallard, to be precise." "A mallard, yes." "Should we expect an epidemic of bird flu?" "It's a complex subject, as you know." "We shouldn't minimize the risks yet we needn't alarm people." "We must apply the principle of precaution." "Let's listen to the first caller." "Hello, this is Isabelle." "Here's my question." "Hello." "What is your question, please?" "Do I press it?" "They hung up." "Please hold." "You press that button." "My neighbor has sheep." "Are they likely to catch the virus?" "Your question sucks!" "Sheep don't get bird flu!" "Ask around before you call!" "Aren't people jerks?" "The best thing is not to let children go outside and above all, disinfect your shoes before going inside." "Crazy!" "But the hypothesis is tens of thousands of deaths in the next few years." "One moment, please." "But we mustn't minimize the risks." "Stop bugging us with your fucking duck!" "You're driving us crazy!" "We don't care about bird flu." "Give it a rest!" "Dear listeners, someone has just burst into the studio." "Studies show we need to remain vigilant." "I don't want to be." "You people make everyone fascist!" "If it's not oysters, it's cows!" "Then, what?" "Immigrants, right?" "You don't realize what you're doing!" "If you don't trust ducks, that's a bad sign!" "As you heard, that wasn't a specialist..." "Love By Any Name" "It's wartime." "My mother's 7 years old." "She just lost her parents." "Her and her three sisters are saved by two pacifists who hide hunted children in the orphanage they set up." "She stays there till her wedding." " What's your name?" " Annette Cohen." "Your new name is..." "Annabelle Hake." "Hake, like the fish?" "That's right!" "Like the fish." "She owes them everything, even her happiness." "She's a brilliant math student." "The advantage is, it stops the mind from thinking of other things." "My father Lucien is in the same year." "So, my parents meet on scientific grounds." "I've tried my hardest, but I can't imagine him young." "Mr Martin, please come to the board." "Coming." "He's ultra-French, which suits Mom, especially when he offers her his name:" "Martin." "They marry in '59." "Their parents had different religions, so they decide to have none." "I was born on March 22, 1961, which surprises me, because I doubt my parents ever made love." "Arthur?" "So, that's Arthur Martin, like the cookers." "Can't you see I'll get that crap all my life?" "They're very good cookers." "Practical, economical, ergonomic..." "They're very high-tech." "I had an idea for a name." "Good." "Give me that name." "Dean." "Dean Martin!" "Dean Martin?" "Arthur!" "Let's stick with Arthur." "In 1957, in Beni Saf, a village near Oran, my father Mohamed is 7." "Algeria is still French." "He likes military parades, but he'd prefer cowboys to soldiers, because he loves westerns with Gary Cooper, which he secretly goes and sees at the cinema." "He likes school and his French teacher, but he has a passion for drawing." "He's gifted." "He draws all he sees." "Here, he draws his grandfather and 7 uncles for the last time." "They're shot by the French army." "Without a trial." "My father thinks Gary Cooper will show up and free them." "His Mom finds the pictures." "My father feels so ashamed." "He won't show them to anyone after that." "Despite what happened to his family, I never heard him criticize the French." "I think that's weird." "My father was in Algeria then, too." "But he never told me what he did over there." "My father comes to France in the mid-70s." "At the time, my mother, Cécile Delivet is a hippy." "Her folks are rich and French." "She hates rich French folk, fine food, vulgar jokes, the consumer society, nuclear power," "Alain Delon cop films, the French national anthem, hunting trophies, the smug West, and horse butchers." "But one day, she discovers she hates someone more than the rest." "My father is a penniless war victim and an illegal alien." "To Mom, that's so cool!" "Pinochet's fascist regime was put in power by the CIA lackeys!" "Excuse me, mister!" "Please support the people of Chile." "Help our Chilean comrades imprisoned by Pinochet's fascist junta which is in league with the CIA." "Thank you." "Comrade!" " The petition!" " No, it's OK, I..." "I'll keep it." "No, you have to give it back to me." "My parents get married in '72." "My Mom is delighted to lose her French name." "My Dad's pleased to marry an anti-colonialist." "I'm born soon after, closely followed by my 2 brothers." "In 1981, Mom writes to President Mitterrand." "His wife gets Dad French papers after 6 years in hiding." "Since then, I've worshipped Mitterrand and the left-wing unconditionally." "But in July 1999, Mom tells me I misunderstood." "Right-wing President Giscard d'Estaing's wife got him the papers." "Mrs Giscard d'Estaing!" "Are you sure?" "It's horrible!" "Our living room is always full of kids, more or less extreme militants," "neighbors who make yogurt cake, and weird, stinky men." "My parents take in all the homeless." "Until one hits me for being too badly brought up." "Then, they choose their homeless." "No one ever visits my parents." "They moved to the middle of nowhere so the Nazis wouldn't find my mother." "My parents aren't interested in people but in new technology." "For Christmas 1976, they buy one of the first VCRs." "A Betamax." "A few months later, although Betamax is superior to VHS, it's taken off the market." "We're stuck with hundreds of tapes." "My parents systematically buy technically superior objects which are a flop." "Look, Lucien." "With this box, you can change channels without having to stand up." "It'll revolutionize people's lives." " It's a remote control." " It's great." "It's marvelous." "It's wonderful." "It's a Laserdisc." "A whole film fits on it." "It'll replace VHS." "No more messing with tapes!" "I like Socialist Lionel Jospin for the same reason." "He's superior to the others, but never wins." "As he likes painting, Dad becomes a painter." "He works hard so we want for nothing." "So, we want for nothing but the presence of my father who works hard so we want for nothing." "Dad works in nuclear power." "See, Arthur, that... is my power station." "Pretty, isn't she?" "Dad persuaded me that nuclear power is safe, because before going on vacation, he checked everything 15 times." "The doors, gas, electricity..." "It was such a pain." "He'd even open the gas tap to check it was shut." "So, I imagined he did the same with his power station." "Did you shut the plutonium store?" "Are you sure?" "Should I check?" "Dad has a hard life." "He's had it rough, but I envy him really, because nothing will ever happen to me." "I look French." "No one will ever call me "Dirty Ay-rab"." "Anyway, my parents always protect me." "Luckily, we meet Mr Boyer." "He offers to give me piano lessons." "I don't experience war or racism, but I do experience Mr Boyer's piano lessons." "You see, we don't play much piano during his lessons." "My life becomes exciting as I mustn't tell my parents." "Now you can look." "It's a really good present, you know." "When I tell them the truth," "Dad decides to kill Mr Boyer, because he doesn't trust the police." "Mr Boyer leaves that day with no forwarding address." "My parents are champions at taboos." "They're very puritanical." "Why must they use naked women for their advertisements?" "I wanted to buy some cheese." "Come along." "How vulgar!" "Another example:" "After close observation," "I notice we all scratch our ass." "As far as I know, we never mentioned it to anyone, least of all a doctor." "We'd rather die of a disease than of shame!" "That said, on the podium of family taboos, my grandparents' deportation is a clear winner." "In 47 years, I've only managed to find out 2 things about them:" "They came from Greece and Grandpa was a Paris taxi driver." "As for the rest... total silence." "Here's Lischka..." "By the late 70s, it's hard to avoid the subject as our taboo is a national obsession." "The roundup saw 13,000 Jews interned, then exterminated in Auschwitz." "I'm overwhelmed to be here." "I think I'm on borrowed time." "Every day is a stay of execution." "Compared to the others, I'm not entitled to it." "Barbie the Butcher is not presumed innocent, they say." "Vowel." ""I"." "Vowel." ""E"." "Consonant." ""D"." "France discusses war crimes all day long." "In our house, we tie ourselves in knots to ignore it all." "G" " E-N-O-C-I-D-E." "6 points for Mr Lévêque." "We don't mention Mr Boyer's lessons ever again." "5, 500 children were sexually abused last year in France." "In the early 90s, our family taboo becomes a national obsession." "Belgian child molester Dutroux..." "Watching TV becomes tricky." "Maurice Papon arrives at the courts to be tried for war crimes..." "We'll continue our lesson on deportation." "One day, they put up a plaque to child deportees who'd spent some time in my school." "But the deportation is my secret garden, and I don't appreciate the competition." "What do we mean by the Duty of Remembrance?" "Yes?" "We must remember those who died in the war." "And why is that?" "Because innocent kids were killed and it's so sad if we forget them." "That's why there are plaques." "Yes?" "But why only remember their deaths?" "What do you mean, Martin?" "Well, if I imagine I've been killed..." "Every day, I go past that thing that reminds me how horrible it was." "Well, it's not very nice." "I think we should remember the day they ate whipped cream for the first time, say." "It would say:" ""Children ate whipped cream here for the first time."" "You're weird." "That's meaningless." "Think you're smart?" "I brought you here to talk about deportation, not whipped cream." "In junior high, I won't go out with boys as I'm scared they'll find out I have a problem with sex." "In high school, I sleep around as I'm scared they'll find out I have a problem with sex." "A lot of sexually abused children reproduce what they went through as adults." "Many prostitutes suffered abuse in their childhood." "So, for my future career, I have 2 choices:" "Pedophile or whore." "I'll choose whoring." "Hey!" " Got a mustache?" " Yeah." "You have beautiful eyes." "Girls don't like me, but one day," "I realize there's one way of getting them interested in me." "I don't know if I mentioned it, but my grandparents died in Auschwitz." "Only my mother escaped being gassed." "How horrible." "Yeah, I know." " You must have suffered." " Yeah." "Why didn't you say?" "I dunno..." "Silence isn't good." "Yes, you should've told us." "Yes, but... it's not the kind of thing you just blurt out." " That's why you joked at school?" " Yes." "Suddenly they like me." "It's Jewish humor - laughing at tragedy." "I knew you were different." "You Jews are so sensitive, because of your past." "Shame creeps over me." "My grandparents died, my Mom suffered, I reap the rewards." "It's disgusting." "No, I was just kidding." "My name's Arthur Martin." "I was born in Smallville." "What a jerk." " It's a laugh." " I don't believe it." "I decide never to mention it again." "My name's Arthur Martin." "It makes for a quiet life." "Miss!" "I can't let you say that." "You got me fired." "There's a real epizootic risk." "Mind the door, it's..." " Thanks." " You're welcome." "H5N1 is a very resistant virus." "We must remain on the alert." "Like you say, there's no point in scaring people." "I understand your anger..." "Want a drink?" "Your name's Arthur Martin?" "That's very French." "Very." "So, you're right-wing?" "Not at all." "I support Lionel Jospin." "He made the precautionary principle part of the constitution." "I'm Baya." "People think it's Brazilian." "It's Algerian." "Baya Benmahmoud." "Got anything against Arabs?" "No." "You called me a fascist earlier..." "France is full of fascists." "Did you never notice?" "Whites are fascist, blacks are," "Jews are, even Arabs are fascist." "The Chinese must be fascist, too, but I don't know any." "I wanted to show you the... the statistics indicating the evolution of the epizootic." "It's going up and up, see?" "You're a veterinarian?" "Yes, I specialize in dead animals." "I study the causes of death." "Your place or mine?" " What?" " Don't you want to sleep with me?" "Well, the thing is..." "I can't, because I have to carry out a necropsy on some geese." "A necropsy is like an autopsy, but on animals." "Can't it wait?" "They're dead, right?" "Yes, but... the virus doesn't survive for long." "Odd, isn't it?" "But some other time maybe, I'd be glad to." "That won't be possible." "I always sleep on a first date." "A matter of principle." "Each to their own, yeah?" "I'm really sorry, but it can't wait." "Well, too bad." "See ya!" "See... ya." "The girl already paid." "What're you doing?" "You passed up a great lay." "Leave me alone." "Maybe she was your soul mate." "Be honest, didn't you feel it in your balls?" "Don't talk to me like that." "I could be her father." "So what?" "She asked you." "I have principles." "You've always messed up with women." "It's pathetic." "What about Muguette and Mélanie?" "And I spent 5 years with Brigitte." "You didn't love them." "You just weren't scared of them." "Dad..." "That's beautiful." "It's nothing." "Let's show your work to a gallery." "I have to repair Mrs Martinez's car." "Another day, then." "I can't do it another day, either." "I have to fix the Belkacems' alarm clock, Toufik's scooter..." "I don't need a thing." "I want to make you happy, Dad!" "No point." "Make yourself happy." "It's impossible to make Dad happy." "It drives me crazy." "I showed them your work and they loved it." "Do you realize, your painting's on show here in your lifetime?" "I'm very pleased." "But I have to go fix Mrs Pupovac's toaster." "They can't have toast for breakfast." "Dammit, Dad!" "Gauguin, Van Gogh, Benmahmoud!" "Yes... it's pretty..." "But it's hard not having toast for breakfast." "I've tried to teach Mom to ride for ages." "I'm holding you." "Her parents didn't have time." "I'm not holding you." "These are the only times I can be alone with her." "I hope she'll talk to me about her childhood." "There were lots of bikes when you were little." "You lived in Paris?" "But it's no use." "I think the Greeks invented the bicycle." "You should know..." "Why?" "Because..." "Leonardo da Vinci invented the bicycle." "Don't you know that?" "It's 8 PM." "Here are the Presidential election results." "1st place, right-winger Chirac." "A huge surprise:" "Nationalist Le Pen is second." "What about Jospin?" "3rd:" "Left-winger Jospin with 16%..." "Chirac has a hearing aid." "They make some very small ones now." "Completely invisible." "Amazing." "We could get one." "We're not deaf yet." "That's true." "Arthur Martin." "Vote cast." "Baya Benmahmoud." "Hello." "What's wrong?" "I voted for Chirac!" "It's horrible!" "Come back to my place!" "I don't want to be alone." "Shit!" "I don't have anything to eat at home." "Do you want to make love first or buy some food after?" "Go to the shops before they close, right?" "Yeah, that's safer." "Shit!" "I forgot the coriander." " Does it matter?" " Can't make chorba without it." "I'll go get it." "Excuse me, you..." "You'll wait for me, right?" "Nassim!" "Baya!" "How are you doing?" " Good to see you." "You OK?" " Fine." "Coming to celebrate the publication of the "New Orient"?" "Oh, shit!" "Yeah, sure I'm coming." "Don't forget the leaflets." "You know what?" "I'll go get them now!" "Off you go." "See you later." "Not long now..." "Go ahead." "My cellphone's ringing." "Her birthday's today?" "I gotta go buy a gift!" "8 PM?" "You mean 8 o'clock at night?" "I always choose the best presents." "No problem, I forgot, but I won't forget now." "She won't be much longer." "I won't forget, I'm onto it." "She loves earrings." "I'll get her earrings." "See you later." "Hey, you never see a woman?" "You should be ashamed." "The phone rang, and I was putting on a t-shirt, then my cellphone rang, and I dropped the t-shirt." "I'm so muddle-headed." "I lack rigor." "I can't multitask." "One thought just leads to another." "Come in." "I think there's some pasta." "Sex first or food?" "I'm not very hungry." "What?" "I think naked women paralyze me." "That's weird." "What can I do for you?" "When I think about our first night," "I can clearly see a nuclear explosion in the French South Pacific." "That's a pretty tune." "Very moving..." "Baya, I mean." "Excuse me, what are you doing here?" "You are...?" "At home." "Eric Bernard." "Arthur Martin." "Like the cookers." "I'm putting her up." "I really like her, but she gives me a hard time." "Meaning?" "Sleeping around." "I accept it." "I accept everything she does." "Don't you?" "But I'll tell you a secret." "I don't like Arabs." "I hate 'em." "It's not my fault, I can't help it." "Musicians don't say that, 'cause they're all a bunch of left-wingers." "Are you a musician?" "No." "Coffee?" " You're not going back to bed?" " No." " I need some sleep." " Go ahead." "You sleep with him?" "Isn't he a big asshole?" "Did you notice?" "You sleep with him?" "What's it to you?" "Well, goodbye." "Well, OK..." "Beat it." "Let me explain." "You'll feel better." "I don't have time." "I have to go." "They found a guinea-fowl." "I fuck right-wing guys, you see." "Your place is ugly." "When I say I fuck 'em, I really do." "It's not a metaphor." "She said she applied the old 60s slogan," ""Make love, not war"." "For several years, she slept with her political enemies to convert them." "She used her body as a weapon of mass destruction of fascists." "She used the term "fascist" very broadly." "I can do great things with my ass." "I mean, you can never convince people you don't agree with." "It's much better to use sex." "Look, I brought you my notebook." "When I met this guy, he was in charge of the youth section of Chirac's party." "How can you be young and right-wing?" "Now look at him!" "He raises sheep." "Isn't that great?" "See that?" "He was a stock trader." "Now he makes pancakes." "He ran a quad bike club." "Now he does Capoeira." "The conversion time varies according to their stupidity." "Nationalist supporters take at least 10 days." "For a centrist, in an afternoon it's done." "Why quad bikes?" "Why?" "They're fascists." "Didn't you know?" "Massive fascists." "But me..." "Why me?" "I support Jospin." "It's not the same." "I..." "like you." "I don't know why." "Normally old-fashioned guys like you..." " And your gooses..." " Geese." "One goose, two geese." "Oh, no, they won't make it in time." "They'll get the next one." "Fuck!" "Can't you wait for these folks to get on?" " You OK?" " What a fuss!" "I do." "By the authority vested in me," "I hereby declare you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Aboubacar, meet Arthur." "Congratulations." " Hope you get your papers." " Me too." "I'll leave you together." "See ya!" "Are you sleeping with him?" "No, he's not right-wing." "You think so?" " Meet my parents." " Are they here?" "It is my wedding." "It's my third." "I can't go faster, 'cause it's hard to divorce." "Your parents must be quite young if..." "No." "Well, like you." "Dad, meet Arthur." "Hello." "Baya told me so much about you." "He's my father." "They kind of look alike..." "I'm sorry." "It's OK." "This is Arthur Martin." " Good cookers." "Reliable..." " Ergonomic." "Very good." "You're not married?" " No." " Good." "Radija!" "Can you come here?" "Radija, meet Arthur Martin." "A perfect husband." "Oh, no." "You don't have to sleep with her." "Anyway, let's meet up on Monday for the formalities." "Because the authorities are very strict now." "So, she lives with you for a year." "The toothbrushes in the same mug." "That's what we recommend." "Her clothes in the closet..." "You have to be seen together, so go out." "Baya said you're well-off." "As for the bed... for a while, you sleep in the same bed, but you can sleep head to toe." "Not my problem!" "Don't forget the pubic hair." "They can do DNA tests now, so cut off some pubic hair, put it in the bed." "Just rub her, it'll come off." "Above all, the kids' toys..." "What kids?" "Radija's two children." "Of course!" "They're so cute." "But you must get them some toys." "The cops won't buy it if the kids have no toys." "They might think you mistreat them." "It can go very wrong." "Personally, I don't give a shit." "I'm only saying it for your benefit." "Of course!" " See you on Monday." " But..." "Your Mom's as crazy as you are!" "You disappointed us." "I won't get married just to please your parents!" "You don't understand." "When my Dad came here, he lived on the streets, living in fear of the cops." "It took 6 years to get papers." "Yeah, so?" "Now he's French, it's important to him." "Only foreigners really deserve to be French." "When you're called Martin, it's simple." "You don't think about being French." "But when you're colonized..." "Oh, don't play the victim card!" ""Our people suffered so much!"" "Hey, I'm not a victim of anything." "I think children of victims overdo it." ""My forefathers were slaves." "Mine were colonized..." Blah, blah, blah!" " They're all you hear." " You are a jerk!" "What're you doing here?" "Shouldn't you tell her now?" "Butt out." "Tell her what?" "Your mother, your grandparents' deportation..." " Think so?" " Yeah." "Baya..." "Listen..." "In my family, too..." " I mean..." " What?" "My father fought in Algeria, too." "Oh, yeah?" "Great." "Rough, isn't it?" "What're you doing?" "Yes, Dad." "Just a sec." "Coming." "Go ahead." "Lamb..." "Fine." "I pumped up my tires to 35 psi." "I said my tires are pumped up to 35 psi." "I think so." "OK, Dad." "I have to go." " OK, let's go." " No, you can't come." "My parents are horrible." "Why?" "It's nothing." "I can't tell you." "They're..." "I need some coffee." "She'll shock them, say something stupid." "So what?" "It'd do them good." "What're you doing?" "It'll end badly." "You don't have any idea." "What're you doing?" "I completely forgot my taekwondo class." " What?" " Taekwondo." "I've always loved taekwondo." "So, I can't go to my parents'." "Pity." "Another time." "Is your oil level OK?" "Fine!" "Just fine, thanks." "I'm bored without your ass." "We bought a GPS navigator." "It's great." "You should get one." "A Palm!" "Let me see!" "Hey..." "Do you know why all computer keyboards... are QWERTY?" "What?" "The first line on a keyboard." "The order of the letters." "QWERTY." "Think about it." "I suppose it's the best layout for your fingers to type the words." "Not at all!" "It's the exact opposite!" "It dates back to those old typewriters." "They had a flaw." "When you typed letters that were too close, the typebars would get stuck." "So, they put the most common letters far apart." "When computers came out, they kept the old keyboard." "People were used to it." " It's not practical." " Indeed." "I'll show you the Marsan keyboard, named after its designer." "Look at the layout." "That's the ideal layout." "It'd be much simpler to type on that." "For 30 years, he tried to persuade manufacturers - in vain." "He's dead now." "That's sad, isn't it?" "Leave him alone." "We're boring him." "His mind is on things which are..." "far more interesting." "I want you so much!" "Meet Pierre-Antoine." "He runs the junior employers' union." "Hello, sir." "Run along now." "I'll see you on Tuesday." "No problem." "Neat!" "I'll get my things." "I wanted to be a concert pianist, not a whore." " I was very gifted." " Really?" "But there was a slight hitch." "You'll have a rough time with me, but at least I know about sex." "I can teach you a lot." "That's great, 'cause I always dreamed of meeting a woman like you." "Mr Ben Alleb, you represent a secular Muslim group." "First of all, what is your position on women wearing veils in school?" "Let me just say that we're citizens, not Muslims." "We've merely come into contact with Muslim culture." "We're not based on religion or community." "I'd like to return to why" "I signed something in which I do not really recognize myself." "He should get to the point." "He has to be clearer." "Your culture is indeed complex, but let's go back to the veil." "It's so simplistic." "It's as if, for Arabs, there's no such thing as freedom to believe..." "To doubt!" "Let me now turn to Hassan Hassini." "What are your arguments?" "Mr Ben Alleb, your side keeps advocating assimilation." "It hasn't worked." "Say what you like, but our children will never be accepted." "They have the wrong skin color, the wrong religion, the wrong name." "He's a communitarian!" "It suits him to pigeonhole people." "With the journalist's help." "The 60s are over." "You don't have to kowtow to the racist from the 3rd floor anymore." "Be proud of our faith!" "Hassini crystallizes people's frustrations." "He isn't the problem." "The problem of being a Muslim is our position in this country." "You're put in a pigeonhole." "If your name's Fatima or Aicha, you're a Muslim." "I'm an atheist, but my culture is Muslim." "The second thing is, how to be a Muslim and not be pigeonholed?" "It annoys me, because communitarians like that encourage the fascists." "To me, a guy like Hassini is a fascist, anti-Semitic and anti-gay!" "They're basically allies." "Take Sarkozy." "When he talks to Arabs, he only talks to Muslims, like Hassini." "The 3 million Arabs in France aren't all Muslim!" "I love it when you're angry!" "I'm gonna screw him!" "I won't be long." "Wait here." "Hello." "Mr Hassini, I admire you so much." "My name's Baya Benmahmoud." "My family's from Beni Saf, a village near Oran." "Your family comes from there, too." "I'm half and half:" "French and Algerian." "Mixed race." "I know I don't look Algerian, but in my heart, I am." "Beni Saf, the hotel, the fishermen..." "What do you want?" "Don't I look like a whore?" "That's why I came to see you." "I need advice from someone like you." "But she's too liberated for me." "It's a nightmare." "I will mention you when I have time." "I'm not ashamed." "I haven't had time." "Didn't they speak French?" "I don't know." "I suppose they spoke Greek." "Right?" "Is that Greek?" "Have you noticed?" "No one knows what it sounds like." "We know what German or Russian sound like." "So, tell Baya." "Will you all stop busting my balls?" "When you meet someone, you don't have to tell them your full family history." "Let's go." "I'm on the right track with "Ass-ini"." "I'll write him up in my notebook." "I love it when you sulk!" "What're you playing at?" "Wait, not here!" "Who could see us?" "Mom!" " Why're you here?" " I have to redo my papers." "What?" "As I left the post office, a pair of hands grabbed my neck." "It was a big black guy, one with huge feet like you see nowadays." "He was holding a knife with a blade that pops out." "What's it called?" " A switchblade." " Right." "People think the blade comes out of the handle, but it pivots out." "It's an optical illusion." "Odd..." "Mom, the facts..." "So, Mrs Serrano picked me up." "She said we're not safe with all these blacks and Arabs." "Baya's a pretty name." "Is it Brazilian?" "Yes, sort of." "People always have to make racist comments." "It's awkward, isn't it?" "It really is." "Especially as I was on the ground." "Oh, Mrs Martin, good to see you." "My word, Arthur!" " My papers were stolen." " Well, we'll redo them." "I need a rent receipt, a photo, and your birth certificate." "The birth certificate?" "I must have lost it." "Yes, but we need it." "You'll have to find it." "There must be a way of redoing the papers without it, Patricia?" "Got a nationality certificate?" "Your parents were French?" "This is unbelievable!" "Are you a cop?" "Please stay out of this." "Were your parents French?" "Maybe, because they were cousins..." "They applied for French citizenship after..." "So, they weren't French." "But I am." "What proves that you're French?" "I need proof, it's the law." "So many people cheat..." "You've known her for 30 years!" "Her only trip abroad was to Andorra for duty-frees!" " Her date of birth?" " November 5, 1933." " Parents' names?" " What?" " Parents' names?" " Cohen." ""Cone" as in geometry?" "No, Cohen." "So her parents were..." "Where's she gone?" "Don't worry, I'll deal with your papers." "Where?" "Auschwitz, I think." "That's fantastic!" "You're a Jew, I'm an Arab!" "Lots of our family died 'cause of French cops!" "This is so cool!" "The two of us embody France, see?" "Our families are like two slices of history making love!" "It makes me want to cry." "I'm not Jewish." "I'm not a believer." "I don't go to the synagogue, I don't care about Israel, my name's Arthur Martin!" " You're ashamed." " No!" " Are you a Muslim?" " No!" "Jewish isn't the same." "It is." "We're half-breeds." "We don't know who we are or where we're from." "And that's just fine." "OK, we're half-breeds." "But there are millions of us." "We should go forth and multiply!" "The day there's nothing but half-breeds, there'll be peace." "We're the future of humanity." "That's hybrid vitality." "What?" "In biology, two animals which mate despite having a different genetic inheritance." "That's beautiful." "Oh, no!" "Come on." "No, you're stigmatizing me." " I'm stigmatizing you?" " Yes, you are." "Like my forehead says "Jew" on it." ""Hi, my family was gassed." "How are you?"" ""C"..." "Got it!" "Cohen!" "What were their first names?" "I don't know." "Sara and David, I think." " There are several." " Yep." "To the Jews, Cohen is like Martin." "There are too many with the same name." "I'll go ask." "We'll find them." "You shouldn't forget us." "I don't know you." "Why should I remember you?" "If you forget us, that means they won." "Leave me alone!" "How is our daughter?" "Yes." "My mother just needed photos for her new identity card." "But a recent law forbade you from smiling in the photo." "Don't move." "Annette!" "You know you can't smile in identity photos anymore." "Concentrate." "Since this business with her papers, Mom was not well." "Of course Dad hadn't told me as it was important!" "Here goes..." "Don't move." "There's no way..." "Come on, it'll be alright, don't worry." "It'll be OK." "Global warming?" "Global warming equals oil equals nuclear power." "Don't mention that to my father, you'll annoy him." "Well, what's left?" "Traffic jams?" "Are you kidding?" "Traffic jams equal taxis equal Grandpa equals Auschwitz." "I don't want you mentioning the subject." "So, we can't talk about anything with them?" "Exactly." "It took me years to find ways to talk about nothing." "It'll be great fun!" "You invited them." "What do you think?" "Look." "No." "And this?" "It's the same one." "No, it's purple." "This?" "Look." "Now?" "Yes!" "It's a pity." "My tits would've been a talking point." "I think it'll be sunny tomorrow." "What's your job?" "Well, I'm not working at the moment." "But I've done lots of jobs." " Such as?" " The rail road." "On the trains." "The rail road trains." "The Pullman cars." "An excellent company." "I was also a camp counselor." "When I say "camp", I don't mean "camp"..." "A camp with tents and children and..." "You know?" "Yes, summer camp." "Right." "And at one point..." "I was a nurse's aide." " Where?" " Jewsville." "In a hospital." "And how's Mrs Berthommier?" "She's dead." "It's delicious." "How do you do it?" "Simple." "In the oven." "I'll... get the..." "I'm sorry!" " I can't do this!" " It'll be OK." "Why am I like that?" "I hate myself at times." "Get all the taboo words out of your system now." "Good idea." "Gas chamber, deportation, Jew!" "Iceberg, Nazi, euthanasia, Woody Allen!" "Who's that?" "It must be my parents." "I asked them to come for dessert." "Dad, Arthur's father knows Algeria well." "That's good." "Where did you go?" "Around Constantine." "It's pretty there." "A large part of our family was killed by the French army." "What did you go for?" "Who wants more cake?" "It's delicious." "I'm fine." "I have some bread." "You have it." "I already have some." "Go ahead." "Keep some for you tomorrow." "It won't be good then." "I spent 2 years over there." "I was in a scientific unit." "Oh, OK..." "A scientific unit?" "You mean..." "Nuclear research." "I'd just graduated." "I must say we made a lot of progress at the time." "A great leap forward." "You mean, thanks to the war?" "In a way." "You did nuclear tests in the desert without telling the locals what you were up to!" " Not at all." " You did!" "Who gives a shit?" "It's their own fault for being Algerian!" "You thought you could do what you liked!" "You owned the place!" "Not at all." "Screw their desert, right?" "I'll make some coffee." "Who wants coffee?" "Have some cake." "Not at all." "We didn't set off bombs." "It was research." "We know all about your research." "We know all about your research!" "This will end in tears!" "They'll kill one another!" "This is terrible!" "I have palpitations now." "I'll find a good talking point." "Say nothing!" "Sorry, there's a problem with the machine." "Our gift?" "Yes, it's broken." "Do you want some tea?" "I'll try to repair it." "I'll have a look." "Those home percolators they make now..." "I'll buy a new one." "I don't mind." "Wait, no..." "What're you doing?" "If I were you, I'd start by taking apart the pressurizer." "I'm not so sure." "I'll check the plugs first." "Personally," "I think it's a problem with the filter." "The filter!" "Nonsense..." " Can you hold this?" " Open it first." "My father is always helping others." "But he can't help himself." "Maybe it pleases him to please others." "No." "He'd be pleased if he could paint." "But he's a workman." "To him, a workman can't be an artist." "To me, my father... is Van Gogh." "I enjoyed our talk." "I hope I wasn't too brusque." "That's just my character, but it was very interesting actually." "I know what happened to your parents, how they must have suffered." "And you too..." "You think about them all the time." "You kept it bottled up your whole life." "I just wanted to say..." "I'm sure they'd be proud of you." "I'm sure of it." "Did we leave a food container?" "I don't think so." "Mom..." "You're crazy to say that to my mother." "You just don't realize." "Got a silent butler for the crumbs?" "Bet you have." "You had no right." "I said what she longed to hear." "You never told her 'cause of your dumb taboos." "She's not happy." "Please tell me... how a wacko like you can know what's good for others!" "They forgot something." "It must be your gift." "It's a surprise!" "Open the door." "Lionel?" " Can I come in?" " Sure." "Come on in." "You're a bird fan?" "That's a... mandarin duck." "Aix galericulata." "Come on through." "What'll you have to drink?" "Where does the name Jospin come from?" "Your name..." "It's originally Flemish." "My ancestors, so to speak, came from Flanders to work in the textile factories in the north of France." "There's only one family with the name Jospin." "So, if I meet a Jospin, he has to be a family member." " A cousin!" " Right." "You're the only ones." "How did Baya manage to persuade you to come here?" "You don't ask things like that." "It's a gift." "Don't worry, Arthur." "She told me about her irresistible political methods, but as I'm left-wing, she didn't seduce me, which is a pity!" "She said she had a friend, her boyfriend, who's a Jospinist." "I thought that a Jospinist nowadays was as rare as a mandarin duck on a French beach!" "So, I came." "I'm happy to be here." "I'm happy, too." "Isn't he great?" "Really great." "The country made a tragic mistake in letting him go." "I didn't think he was so funny." "Sometimes life is more complex." "Right-wingers can do good things and left-wingers shitty things." "No!" "The left is good, the right is fascist." "If you compromise on that, nothing makes sense." "I think that's a dumb attitude!" "There are honest people everywhere..." "and left-wing fascists." "Open your history books, you're in for a big surprise!" "I'm talking about here and now." "Communist and Gaullist Resistance fighters have more in common than Gaullists and Pétainists, though both are right-wing." "That's a crap argument." "Politics is about ideas!" "The right's always been about money, nationalism, the law of the jungle." "Right-wing voters support that." "I don't care if they're nice to their dogs, which I very much doubt." "So, if you were in power, you'd kill half the population to build a better world?" "No, I'd screw them!" " How much for the 3 lobsters?" " 80 euros." "Champagne leftie!" "Wait!" "How many crabs can I have for that price?" "Around 7." " Are they alive?" " Sure they are." "Look." "I'll take the crabs." "Hurry, they're not moving." "They mustn't die." "I'm sad for the lobsters." "But a lobster's life is worth a crab's." "It's capitalism that says a lobster's worth more, not nature." "It's better to save 7 crabs than 3 lobsters." "No?" "But that's how many shrimps?" "I'm happy with you, you know." "Here we are!" "Look." "Now she doesn't have to learn." "What happened?" "Oh, don't worry." "A few days' rest and she'll be alright." "Mom?" "Come in, I'm having a pee." "I'll wait here." "Come on in!" "Come on." "My darling son..." "You getting some rest?" "Are you OK?" "Having a rest?" "It looks very... restful here." "And it's clean." "When you feel better, you'll go home." "I hear you've had the automatic gate changed." "Very practical." "Ergonomic." "To get the car in." "Double arrow to the heart." "Right!" "Well, I better be going." "They found a dead swan outside Paris." "But..." "I'll be back soon." "Me too." "Mom..." "Why did you never tell me about your parents?" "I wish you told me about them." "So I could at least imagine them." "You understand?" "I was in his taxi when it happened." "He'd taken the exam." "They have to take taxi-driving exams." "When what happened?" "When what happened?" "He often took me in his taxi." "I loved it." "That day..." "Mrs Martin, time for your jab." "When what happened?" "Triple arrow to the heart." "The nurse interrupted her." "She was about to say something important," "I think." "I have a secret, too." "As a kid, I had piano lessons." "And the teacher, Mr Boyer..." "Piano's good." "You were saying?" "Where did I put that thing?" "Play me something." "Come on." "I didn't play much piano with Mr Boyer." "And I hold it against him... because I was gifted." "Disgusting, isn't it?" "You know..." "I wish I could give you as much as you give me." "Hello, Mohamed." "Am I disturbing you?" "No problem." "How are you doing?" "Fine." "Well, I have a big favor to ask of you." " I didn't tell Baya I'm here." " You need a hand?" "Exactly." "There was a burglary at work." "All the paintings on the walls were stolen." "It's incredible, some people..." "So, there are big white marks on the walls." "I'll repaint all your offices." "I'll finish Jamel's scooter, then I'll do it." "No, that's not it." "I don't know if you can help." "Baya told me you do little paintings." "You'd be doing me a big favor if you could paint some to replace the stolen ones." " Sure." "How many do you need?" " 30." "What kind of paintings?" "Landscapes?" "Portraits?" "Abstract ones?" "Whatever you like, as long as they hide the marks." "Sure, sure." "Give me the dimensions, I'll start right away." "That's so kind of you." " No problem." " Thanks so much." "I'm pleased to help." "You really are a big help." "I'll let you work." "Dad..." "What's going on?" "I'm so busy, honey." "I still have 17 to do." "Why 17?" "Arthur asked me to replace his stolen pictures." "It's a big job." "Didn't he tell you?" "What's wrong?" "Are you OK?" "Yes." "Want some water?" "Are you sure?" "With Arthur Martin simplify your life" "Arthur, you have to come." "There's a problem." "Dad, look, I'm at work." "What's the problem?" "Your mother's dead." "They found her in her room this morning." "It was the sleeping pills." "Finish what you're doing." "I'll call you later." "Fine." "I have something important to tell you!" "Here goes..." "I love you!" "You can't enter this safety area." "I only want to make love to you!" "I want us to be together." "I want us to make love..." "and politics!" "And we'll be happy!" "What's wrong?" "I killed her, mentioning her parents." "What can I do?" "I can't handle it anymore." "You stir things up too much." "Get out of my life." "Arthur Martin, is this dead swan a real risk to the population?" "Mr Martin?" " The swan..." " Yes." "We must remain vigilant." "If we lower our guard, the danger increases exponentially." "Then, we've had it." "We can't be too careful." "I must forget Baya." "I have to get back to a normal life." "I have to start by meeting normal women." "You see?" "I'm proud to say I've never voted." "I don't understand politics." "That's great." "Not on the first date." "Of course." "I understand." "I have no idea where she is." "She just disappeared." "Her type aren't interested in our type." "Our type?" "Guys like us, the Martins, Leclercs, regular Joes." "We're nothing, transparent." "When your name's Ben Kerouf or Goldenberg, you're exotic, you're interesting." "They ask where you're from." "Lots must have happened to you." "7 letters." "I'll say "Bitches"I" "I can see you're starting to relax!" "That's a good sign." "Put 'em back in the sea." " They'd be happier." " No way." "Baya, I must see you again." " Why?" " It's important." "I don't know..." "Tomorrow afternoon." "Maybe." "I'll have to see if I'm free, but OK." "I don't believe it!" "It's a joke!" "You can't be with that guy!" "He's a fascist." "You said so!" "A compulsive anti-Semite!" "And your clothes!" "What's happening to you?" "I'm seen as an Arab for the first time." "Know what I mean?" "At last I see the fascists' scornful looks directed at me." "I think it does me good." "The body of a barnacle goose was found in central France." "I soon established it carried the H5N1 virus." "In application of the principle of precaution and to avoid an epidemic, I approved the destruction of local birds." "The gas is very effective." "It wipes them out in seconds." "Can you see the jets up there?" "With this system, we can treat 40 tons at a time." "40 tons!" "There you are." "That day, I abandoned the principle of precaution for good." "Hello, Baya Benmamoud." "Benmahmoud!" "We invited you tonight, because you've written" ""In Bed With the Fascists", an account of how you try to convert extremists by having sexual relations, in other words, sleeping with them." "I call myself a political whore." "The problem with fascists is sex." "When you sleep with a fascist, there's a moment when he's receptive:" "Just before he climaxes." "Then, you say lots of things to his subconscious mind, like with hypnosis." "For example, you say:" ""Arabs aren't all thieves"," ""Jews aren't all rich"..." "Let me just say that after the last, Hassini," "I decided to quit." "But I hope that this guide will encourage others to start and we'll change the world." "I was in his taxi when it happened." "He'd taken the exam." "They have to take taxi-driving exams." "When what happened?" "He often took me in his taxi." "I loved it." "That day..." "I ate whipped cream for the first time." "It's the happiest day of my life." "Jean-Pierre!" "What's your name?" "Arthur Martin." "Can't be easy with such a ridiculous name." "I couldn't stand a name like that." "Lucky we'll never get married." "Marriage is right-wing, isn't it?" "B..." "Baya Benmamoud." "We can never vote for people we like." "Don't forget Sarkozy's slip." "What?" "I won't dirty my hands!" "What's the point of polling booths, then?" "Notice that the type on left-winger Ségolène Royal's slip was smaller?" "Nonsense!" "Don't forget the Interior Minister organizes elections." "The bastard made his name bigger." "He did." "Show me Sarkozy's slip." "I don't have it..." "Where is it?" "It's my fault he got elected!" "No!" "There was 6% difference." "That's at least 2 million voters." "I know it's my fault!" "I'll never get over it!" "It was nevertheless the happiest day of our life." "So, what's baby's name?" "Chang." "Are his roots...?" "Screw his roots." "Chang Martin?" "Chang Martin-Benmahmoud." "What're you thinking?" "Who will our baby be the foreigner of?" "From Salonica to Beni Saf to our parents." "How many roads did they cross?" "Our grandparents, their fiancés." "How many doubts, how many sacrificed?" "So that one day our love." "How many "No" s?" ""We don't want you"" "My mother" "My father" "On the ground" "Hidden" "The dream of a future" "Sacred freedom" "Who will our baby be the foreigner of?" "Until the day that love..."