"## I Bugle: "Retreat" I" "## I Off-key Notes I" "## I Off-key Notes Continue I" "Fire ceremonial salute." " But, sir, the angle" " Fire the salute, Private!" "Yes, sir." " I Metal Clangs I" " Ow!" "I Squealing I" " What the" " What did he do?" " I Men Chattering I" "Corporal, a little decorum, please!" "You" " I'm all right." "Let me down." "I'm all right." "I'm okay." "Ooh!" "Company... order arms!" " The company's arms are ordered, sir." " We're at order arms." "I Grunts I Excuse me." "Now then, during Colonel Blake's absence, I will act in his capacity." "So, ifthereareanyproblems, youmaybring them tome... or to our fline adjutant here, Major Houlihan." "Talking to the major is the same as talking to me... since we are intimate with each other at all times." "I Clears Throat I" "Company... inspection arms!" "I Rifles Cocking I" "I Sighs I" "Uh-huh." " You shave today, soldier?" " Yes, sir." "Well, tomorrow try it with a blade in the razor." " I want this man on report, Corporal." " Uh, what's the charge, sir?" "Heavy beard in combat zone." "Aah!" " Areyou all right, sir?" " I Whimpers I" " Fingernail polish?" " Flame d'Amour, sir." " And earrings?" " They match the ring, sir." "I'm a symphony in coordination." "High heels?" "You're a disgrace to American man- and womanhood." "So stop bucking for a discharge while I'm in command, Corporal Nutsy Fagin!" " You're not getting out ofthis man's army." " At least give me a pass, sir." "I'd like to spend a little time with people." " Request denied." " Please, sir." "I'd like to be in Seoul for Mother's Day." " No!" " Father's Day?" "I'll wear something tailored." "I said no!" "Corporal, make a note." "I want this creature's dresses... his entire wardrobe and all that stuffburned!" "Burned?" "Sir, a man has a right to his own trousseau!" "Shut up!" "Now, that concludes our fline little retreat ceremony and inspection." "I hopeyou've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed inspecting you." "I Yawns I I'm going offduty now, and your offiicer ofthe daywill be" " Corporal, doyou have" " I have the roster notes right here, sir." "The offiicer ofthe day will be Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce." "Captain Pierce?" "Good." "Captain Pierce, step forward." "Captain..." "Pierce." " Hi, Frank." " That doesn't scare me one bit." "Is he sleeping again?" "No, Frank." "He heard so much about rigor mortis, he thought he would try it." " Wake up, Pierce!" " I Moaning I" " Come on!" "Getup!" " Hey, Frank, lay off." "He was 1 4 hours in O.R." "Tough tilly." "Up, up, up!" "Get lost, Frank." "Go rinse out the flag." "Trap, you're a witness." "He's violating the dead." " Pull yourselftogether, mister." " Breakfast?" "My kidneys were expecting orangejuice." "Silly kidneys." "I Coughing I Smooth." "This morning was a very good year." "I dreamed I was walking along the beach with my mother." "There was this giant, bleached-out Frank Burns lying on the sand... its white belly shining in the sun." " Pierce." " I said, "Mommy, can I touch it?"" "And she said, "Be careful, son." "The dullness rubs off."" "Very amusing." " Pierce, you're offiicer ofthe day." " I pass." " Give it to somebody else." " You're it, and that's an order." "Here's your arm band and log book." "Here's your belt, holster and sidearm." "There's also a sash and sword that goes with it." "That's in case we're attacked by the Saracens." "Oryou have to do a tall appendectomy." "I will not carry a gun, Frank." "When I got into this war, I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon." " No guns." " Hmm!" "I'll carryyour books, I'll carry a torch..." "I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward..." "Cary Grant, cash and carry... carry me back to old Virginia, I'll even "hari-kari," ifyou show me how... but I will not carry a gun!" "All right, Captain 'Fraidy Cat." " You haveyour orders, mister." " Bye, Frank." "That was totally uncalled for." "Emptiest holster in the West." "I do believe it's a new sheriffin town." "That's right, stranger." "And I'm gonna make everybody in this town do Just what I want 'em to do." "I think I'll start with the girls." "As of 1 600 hours, sir, all secure." "Very good, Radar." "Your report is concise, informative and makes no sense whatsoever." "Thankyou, sir." "Any orders, sir?" "Yes, take an order." "All the troops can go home." "I'm declaring peace and a general amnesty." " Aw, come on, Hawk." " You're free too." "I'll giveyou ten bucks and a new suit later." "Well, I'm gonna need your signature on this." "I'm not signing anything." "You're not putting the war in my name." "For all I know, Henry didn't keep up the payments." "What's thisjob like?" "I'm a new man here." "I been working down in sales." "Well, youjust have to be on duty in case stuffhappens-- inspect the place, do a bed check." "You probablywanna handle that personally." "I Laughing I" "You can inspect the nurses' showers." "I didn't giveyou a birthday present." "Yes, sir." "I Laughing Continues I" "Privates Carterand Willis reporting, sir." "Guard needs to be changed, sir." "Okay." "Change 'em and get 'em out ofhere." "Uh, sir." "They need to know the password." "I would certainly think so." "What was ityesterday?" " Betty Boop." " I like it." "An unpretentious little password, but it's got sex." " Betty Boop." " Why get offa winner?" "Orders for the guards, sir?" "Be brave, be loyal, be true." " And keep yourwhite flags handyjust in case." " Dismissed!" "Good night, guards." "Sleep well." "Sir." "Sir?" " Sir." " Go away, Radar." " You're not 'upposed to go to sleep." " I'm not sleeping." "I'm inspecting the inside ofmy eyelids." "Business, sir." "Local indigenous personnel requesting medical attention." " This is his l.D. card." " I Groaning I" ""Kim Luck." "Age 42... 5'6", occupation: farmer."" "Hello." "Looks like an axe wound." "Might need a stitch or two." "Take Mr. Luck to the hospital, and ask the duty nurse to flix him up." " Tetanus shot." " This way, please." "HarryTruman number one G.I.Joe." "I'll tell him you stopped by." "(Horn Honking)" "Sounds like somebody's pulled up to our gas pumps." " Where the hell is everybody?" "Hit it again, Sergeant." " I Horn Honking I" "(Hawkeye) Knockitoff." "You'll wake up the war." "Well, lookwho's here" "Colonel Flagg, our friendly, undercover, overanxious intelligence man." "Do I knowyou?" "And don't try to deny it." "Ofcourseyou know me." "Olivia de Havilland." " Perkins." "Captain Perkins." " Pierce." " That's what I said-- Captain Pierce." " Right." "Perkins." "Four, maybe fiive months ago, here on an investigation, right?" "Right." "We still have one ofyour hidden mikes in our latrine." "We thought we'd make an album foryou." "I got a wounded gook here." "You got a wounded person here." "Who wounded him?" "I did." "Somehow that fiigured." "He's in shock." "You do nice work." "Stretcher case, on the double." " He's a civilian." " He's North Korean Army." "Caught him near an ammo dump." "Taking him to Seoul." "Ifhe's still breathing, you are." "We stopped on the road, he ran and I put a couple into him." " Ofcourseyou did." "How could you resist?" " Patch him up fast, Doc." "Prep him for surgery." "Start him on plasma, stat." "About a two-inch cuff on the pants." "Will bejust as you like it, Capitan." " Plenty ofroom in the seat." " Hey, Hawk." " His brains have to breathe." " This is Mr. Yu, the tailor." "Captain Pierce." " Honored, sir." " Honored." "Mayyour needle be true and your flies always straight." "Twopairofpantsanda vest, 12bucks." "Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a single-breasted Kleenex." "Oh, that should bag up nicely." "I need you." " Flagg is here" " Army lntelligence." " That's a contradiction in terms." "He's got a wounded North Korean prisoner, prepped and ready." "Hawk, I'm with my tailor." "Get Frank." "Frankis offduty, whichhelps keep down themortalityrate." " Hold it." " Those are Mr. Yu's boys." "Marshall and Elroy." "I know these two claw machines." "Theywere here a couple ofmonths ago." " They stole a 20-pound ham." " They didn't?" " And the refrigerator it was stored in." " Those two kids?" "Their pictures are in the post offiice in thejuvenile section." "All right." "Unload, men." "Unpocketyourselves." "Come on." "Areyou their real father or did they steal you?" "The pinstripe." "I'll take it." "Sister Klinger?" "Pressing a little, aren't we?" " Sir, I caught him trying to sneak out ofcamp." " I was out for a walk." " Looking for an all-night novena?" " I just wanted to get to Seoul for a few days, sir." "What areyou trying to do to me, Klinger?" "I'm offiicer ofthe day." " You go AWOL, they hang it on me." " Sorry, sir." ""While offiicer ofthe day, Captain Pierce did allow hairy nun to desert."" "How'd you like that on your record?" "Sir, I wouldn't care if my record said I was a bedbug." "Slip into something secular..." "and stay put." "Ifl don't get some time off, I'm gonna stick my nose into a chopper blade." "When the colonel comes back, I'll ask him about a pass foryou." "Bless you, sir." "Klinger?" "Loveyour beads." "Any calls for me while I was in?" "Somebody said we could have this." "Oh, really?" "Somebody?" "You kids are gonna have to stop stealing." "Why don'tyou go to bars and roll an offiicer like other children?" "Go on." "Come on." "What's up, Radar?" "Well, indigenous personnels again, sir, requesting medical attention." " That'shis l.D. card." " What, did we advertise a weekend special?" "Kim Luck?" "That's the second one we had today." "That's the way it runs sometimes, sir." "Can you identifyyourself?" "This is me." "Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that." " Bring him to the hospital." " Yes, sir." "This must be our Kim Lucky day." "This way." "I don't like people kibitzing when I operate." " I didn't askyou." " That's why I'm answering." "Just doyourjob, I'll do mine, mister." "You're not gonna get anywhere being a softie." " What's he gowning up for?" " Says he has to watch." "We'll letyou know ifwe fiind any microfiilm in the kid's bladder." "I'm only gonna say this once." "That's my prisoner." "Where he goes, I go." "You read me?" " Like a cheap novel." "Just stitch him up." "I want him put together and put together fast." "(Trapper) Yourconcern is touching." "I have to get to Seoul so we can execute him over the weekend." "Save the kid's life so you can take it away from him?" "You got it." " Nice." " Beautiful." " War." " Stinks." "Will you believe me?" "You got the wrong number." " (KnockAtDoor)" " One second." "I can't giveyou an infantry charge." "We're only doctors." "The best we can do is storm the enemy and take their tonsils out." "Come." "How did he try it this time?" "Pretending to be a business girl." "Klinger." "Klinger, where did your mother and I go wrong?" "How's he doing?" "What's the matter?" "Afraid he'll die and ruin yourweekend?" "Forceps." "Forceps." "One ofyour slugs foryour charm bracelet." "All right." "Saline for irrigation." "Come on." "Saline." "I Sighs I" "I wasjust checking for centipedes." "Just look for a lot oflittle house slippers." "Sir, doyou mind ifwe close those doors?" "Don't be antisocial, Radar." "Good night." "He belonged to my brother." "And he left it toyou when he went offto war?" "No, he was 4F." "He was a box boy in a supermarket." "Well, they also serve who stand and stuff." "I Sighs I" "Would you mind turning your head, please?" "Radar, I'm a doctor." "I've seen more behinds than you'll ever have." "Gee, I don't think it's too much to ask for one guy to ask another guy to turn his head." "Your modesty is almost indecent." "Well, ifyou're a doctor likeyou say... then you don't need to see any more than you've seen." "Go ahead, get sore." "I love it when those little wisps ofsteam come out ofyour tiny ears." "Sir?" "There's a lady out there." "Yes, ma'am?" "Number one pain here." "Boy, this card's getting a workout today." "Radar?" " Sir?" " We're being Kim Lucked again." "Would you take this lady inside, please?" "Yes, sir." "Come." "(Trapper) Movehim?" "ln thatcondition?" "Areyououtofyour sadomasochisticmind, sir?" " Okay." "When?" " Well, that's hard to say-- very hard." "Dr. Pierce here has had a lot ofexperience in moving patients that are about to be executed." "It was my postgraduate specialty-- Blindfold and Last Cigarette 1 02." "All right." "Sign him out, put him on a stretcher." "I'll take the responsibility." " Uh, we'll have to confer on that." " Yeah, we'll only be a minute." "Amuseyourself-- take some fiingerprints, break somebody on the rack." "I'd like to flix him a ground glass burger." "We are not going to let him take that 1 6-year-old kid to Seoul and put him against the wall." " I'm with you, Rocky." " Stall?" "Big." "Big stall." "Uh, Colonel, there's a medical consideration which supersedes the military." "That man is still unconscious." "We can't release him in that condition." "He could sleep through the whole execution." "That wouldn't be any fun." "I want to talk toyour commanding offiicer." "You gonna execute him instead?" "Tough luck." "He's down in Tokyo attending a series ofmedical conferences." "And dodging hotel dicks." "Where can I reach him?" "You could try Madame Chang's Whoopee Parlor." "Or in the Pachinko Palace." "He's in the semifiinals." "Couple ofcutie pies, ain'tyou?" " Thankyou." " Who's your second in command?" " Uh, Major Frank Burns, M.D." " Manic-depressive." "It's an honorary title." "He's also schizoid." "Sleeps in two bunks." "You clowns are pushing me around pretty good, cooperation-wise." "Not to mention wise-guy-wise." "Ifl lay a charge ofobstructing militaryjustice on you... you're gonna have a snootful oftrouble." "What could they do?" "Send us to the front?" "We're at the front." "Maybe they'll put us in front ofthe front." "Hawkeye, can I seeyou?" "Uh, sir, it's important." "What's wrong, Radar?" "Your slight but sturdy body is all atremble." "Well, you know who-- I mean, what I sleep with?" " Yeah, yeah." " Well, it's gone." "I've looked everywhere." "Sir, you gotta help me fiind it." "Have no fear, Radar." "We'll look in every tent." " We'll conduct a louse-to-louse search." " (Flagg)Holdit!" "You gonna sign out my prisoner?" "Colonel, I have a more important problem on my hands-- one ofour teddy bears is missing." "(Hawkeye) Look." "Ididn'tmindwhenyou triedtostealthe telephone." "Andl was ratherpleased whenyou triedtomake off with 100pounds ofsaltpeter." "But this is going too far." "Now where is it?" "I lmitating German Accent I You are being foolish." "We have ways ofmaking you talk." "Pierce, I want a word with you!" " Radar, take 'em downtown and book 'em." " Oh, yes, sir." "Come on!" "Captain Pierce, Major Burns would like to talk toyou as acting commander." " Good." "I'll act like I'm listening." " He went and got 'em, Hawk." "I bet he found 'em double-parked in an erogenous zone." "Oh!" "What a mouth!" "Justyou never mind where we were, Nosey Nate!" "Captain Pierce, MaajorBurns, Acting Commander... and I, his adjutant, have been informed... thatyou and Captain Mclntyre refuse to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner." "Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods... is lying in a ditch at the edge oftown." "A dozen medical units, I have to pull into a funny farm." "Your kid's too sick to travel." " He could die between here and Seoul." " I'll take that chance." " Oh, he'll take that chance." " Nice." "Colonel Flagg's prisoner is a spy!" "You have no right to interfere!" "While we're on spies, ask the major about the secret pocket in her garter belt." "Ifl didn't hate violence, I'd kickyou." "Would you?" "With high heels?" "Get offthe pot, Major." "Lean on 'em." "I Clears Throat I Yes." "Right." "All right." "I Sniffles I Now hear this!" "I orderyou to sign." "Sorry, we can't take any new orders till after Christmas." "You can't disobey him!" "He's a major!" "Oh, uh,just a minute, Just a minute." "He's only got two clusters." "Between us two captains, we've got eight bars." "We outrankyou by halfa chorus." "Major Burns, I just thought ofsomething." "Besides being acting commander, you are also a doctor." "Hey, that's right." "Frank's a doctor." "How about that, Hawk?" "Your secret is safe with us, you son ofa gun." "Certainly your patients will never know." " You can release the prisoner." " I can?" "Oh, I can." "Except that I can't." "Now, this requires two doctors' signatures." " Oh, no, forget it." " Two." "Right!" " I have had it with you fruitcakes!" " I Gun Cocks I" "Now that's my boy in that hospital." "I caught him and he's mine." "I'm taking him to Seoul." "Okay, you gotyour body, Flagg." "It's yourwar, not mine." "This'll teach you eggheads not to screw around with intelligence." "Corpsmen!" "I promised him a trip to Seoul." "The North Korean prisoner suspected ofespionage, recovering satisfactorily... will be turned over to military intelligence... as soon as somebody can be found with military intelligence." "Paragraph." "Examined, diagnosed and treated a total offiive Kim Lucks-- a new Kim Luck record I hope will stand for a long time." "Paragraph." "Property ofCorporal O'Reilly returned." "Fatherandteddybear doingnicely." "Well, I guess that's about it, Radar." "Hey, you guys wanna see the pinstripe suit ofall time?" "Yeah." "I Laughing I" "(Hawkeye) He'sagreat tailor, but with alousysense ofdirection." "(Laughing Continues)" "Hey!"