"What is going on with you?" "You seem, I don't know wh..." "I can't find the word." "I think I'm angry." "Angry?" "Yeah, I'm an angry person." "Which people don't get, from TV, I seem very friendly but that's just a mask that I put on." "Well, many people have taken their anger and turned that anger into good things." "I can't think of an example..." "Uh, mother Teresa." "Hmm." "She just used her anger and sort of came up with this whole, "I should be a saint" thing." "Well." "It is constructive, I think," "I use the anger for good things," "I'm just trying to find the source of the anger." "The anger that you're describing, Conan..." "It seems to me that your relationships with women, in particular are often the victim of that anger." "Yeah." "And uh, I think a lot of it has to do with my situation growing up." "Well, please, let's not open that can of worms." "What?" "I'm sorry, that was just a joke." "See, I believe in injecting a little levity into therapy." "Uh, sure, yeah, I guess." "I call it "lerapy."" "Oh, yeah, that's pretty funny." "It's not a big joke, it's just a little thing." "No, that's... y'know, that's not bad." "Um." "I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was a comedy house." "Is that what you call it?" "Y'know, if I could stop, I would." "I apologize." "Well, you're a machine." "It's like asking the Terminator not to kill." "Thank you for noticing." "Yeah, I would like to feel that at least one of us is taking me seriously and my preference there would be you." "I do take you seriously." "Seriously." "Well, that, that's good." "I'm counting, you're eight for eight, so far." "Thank you." "Do you feel like you're in the zone right now like, every..." "I'm sorry." "Okay, is there a drink minimum in here?" "Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a terrific show for you today." "We've got a lot of fun stuff planned." "To be frank though, I'm feeling a little strange," "I'm in kind of a weird mood." "I saw my therapist today and I-I started talking to him about my childhood, and he said, "Please, let's not open that can of worms."" "Ha ha ha!" "Huh." "Wow, that's pretty good." "Therapist, that's excellent." "I like that." "How come you don't tell jokes like that?" "I'm, I'm working on it." "Oh my goodness." "You actually thought it was funny." "What part did you like?" "What part..." "The funny part." "Yeah, I can't really dissect." "So you obviously didn't think it was funny." "I do think it's funny." "But it's also quite brilliant." "Do you think?" "Yeah." "Y'know, like all good jokes, it sort of cuts to the issue." " Uh-huh." " Right." "Hey, Julie, is he sounding like, weird to you?" "Just a..." "Well, yeah." "Is this better?" "So I'm talking to, uh, Stanley and Julie and TV's on in the background." "Sure enough, there is Conan O'Brien doing a joke that I made in session with him." "Really?" "Verbatim." "So he did a joke you told to him in the session." "Yeah." "How come you're telling jokes to people in..." "That's a whole other issue." "Are you sure you're not mistaken that maybe he just did the setup and..." "No, Ben." "I, I think you should be happy." "Well, if I was a professional joke writer and I had submitted the joke to him, I would be happy..." "Oh, you wanna get paid." "It's not the money, it's the recognition." "Because besides you, I can't tell anybody." "And I wanna tell everybody." "Man, y'know, I'll tell you, society has gotten to a point where you can't just tell a joke and just be friendly about it." "Everything has to be bought and sold." "You cannot copyright a joke, but once he does it on national television," "I can't do it in therapy with anyone else." "Do you repeat material you've used to other patients?" "Well, certain phrases come up like, "Let's explore that."" "Right." "But you know, that's not so funny." "Not funny at all." "No." "Hey, dad, what if you were, um, Columbus' therapist." "Oh, let's explore that?" "Yeah." "Uh, that's funny." "You could take that joke, I don't care, it's yours." "Let's just enjoy." "Freud said that joke is a death of an emotion." "Could have been his delivery." "Ha ha ha!" "He's telling my joke on national TV, and it works." "Really?" "You must have been so happy." "No, actually I wasn't." "I was a little hurt that he would use something that I said to him in confidence as fodder for his comedy." "Yeah, but he pays you for the session, doesn't he essentially buy the rights to all the material?" "Hmm, that's an interesting point." "I mean, you should be happy that one of your jokes actually made it onto the show." "Yeah, but I didn't get proper credit for it, Laura." "Well, what's he gonna do, stop and say, "By the way, that joke was written by my therapist"?" "Would it kill him?" "They could've had a chyron y'know, under him on the screen," ""Joke written by Dr. Katz...."" "Hi, this is Conan, I'm not in right now." "Leave a message and I'll get back to you." "Conan, I'm sorry I missed you," "I was hoping you and I could talk a little bit about what happened last night." "Not a big deal, but I will leave you a message, I'll try to get to the point." "I will say as a disclaimer I've been known for taking awhile to get to the point." "I think, in fact, that's one of my nicknames." ""Taking awhile to get to the point Katz."" "That's what they call me over at the long-winded center." "Anyway, I was flattered that the joke worked." "But I just would like to feel like what you say to me in the privacy of my office is not just fodder for your..." "Or fuel for your fodder?" "Is that an expression?" "How is your fodder?" "Oh my god, you're still talking to me?" "Um, listen, so call me back when you..." "Leave a message and I'll get back to you" "Conan, I-I'm sorry this has gone on so long but if you wanna call me back you can try me at the office, leave a message, if I get the message, I'll call you back on my cell phone." "Hey, am I the only American with a rotary cell phone?" "Hey, if I could stop, I would." "Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, I have a two o'clock." "Mm-hmm." "Could you take a seat, please?" "I'm a little kinda agitated." "You mind if I stand up?" "Uh, kind of." "Oh, okay, sorry." "Thanks." "I feel like I'm making some progress, you know." "Great." "I'm supposed to go to Europe on an airplane." "It's the idea of being over the ocean where they could drop you." "I don't wanna die in the sky." "Well, you wouldn't die in the sky." "You'd die when you hit the ground." "I would die all the time..." "From the time that I knew I was dyin', I would be dying." "That's the problem." "I mean, what about like, going in an elevator." "Doesn't that scare you?" "No." "If that doesn't scare you, then going in an airplane shouldn't scare you." "It's 35,000 feet, Laura." "Well, yeah, but this is 12 stories up." "It's not the same thing!" "You're just f***ing with me, Laura." "Why you f***ing with me in the office..." "The outer office of the shrink?" "Is he cutting you in on some money?" "No, I think this is good to get this stuff out of the way because it's taken you a month just to say out loud that you hate flying." "It started out with your passion for the bus, your love of ground transportation." "Well, yeah." "Those are just words masking the real issue." "The real issue is I don't wanna drop outta the sky." "Right." "I feel like I could be Jackie Chan on the bus, okay?" "'Cause I know where the emergency windows are." "If the bus starts to fall over, I can kick out the windows and throw myself over the top of the bus, and roll." "Yeah." "But when the airplane is, like, having trouble, you can't kick Jack!" "Except the person next to you and then they sue you." "That's right." "You should come on the bus with me." "You would understand, you'd never fly again." "It's amazing, it's the peacefulness of it." "I know what it's like to spend many, many hours on a bus." "Didn't you feel soothed?" "Is that like nausea?" "...well, yeah, I did hear from him." "I'm in my car this morning and the phone rings and the doctor says, "Your tests came back,"" "and then the phone goes dead, and I'm thinking to myself," ""Hey, am I the only guy in America with a rotary cell phone?"" "Ha ha ha!" "Ben, did you hear what he just said?" "What's that..." "Hold on, dad." "Does anyone else have one, 'cause we could call each other." "Ha ha, oh man." "He just said "Am I the only guy in America with a rotary cell phone."" "I left that on his answering machine." "Right, right, dad." "Yeah, today." "Sure you did." "Yeah, about four hours ago, I did." "Yeah, so did I." "I'm just saying, Ben, this is getting a little bit, uh..." "Dad, I'm trying to watch the show here." "Now I missed the rest of the monologue." "Why don't you look at me and just go right to the source." "You think he did another one of your jokes." "I know he did." "Dad, this is becoming like an obsession and it's bad." "Really." "Hey, dad, why were you leaving a joke on this guy's answering machine?" "You know, because I like to kid around, Ben." "But dad, you were the one who complained that he stole one of your jokes to begin with." "Yeah but..." "And you go back and call him and tell him more jokes?" "Yes." "Did you write that rotary phone joke yourself or did you just come up with it?" "Of course, that's my joke." "I made that up." "I'm just saying that's not a funny..." "If you're gonna write jokes, there has to be a twist." "That's the whole point of a joke." "Right." "Take, for instance, this joke." "Mm-hmm." "Hey does, um, the grocery store have to put out rotten vegetables?" "Is that a requirement?" "That's funny." "I don't want fresh." "That's not why I came to the store." "So I'm pointing my finger at the manager," ""Where are the rotten vegetables?"" "You know what I'm saying?" "And then you can continue and sort of riff." "Give me another example, Ben, because I'm not sure that one works for me." "Okay." "Hey, when I go to the grocery store, and I want a carton of eggs, do half of them have to be broken and rotten?" "So it's like the one with the fruit." "Yes, but a different food group." "So in other words, you mine the real world for comedy." "That's right, and that's where the real comedy comes from, is the real world, not this rotary cell phone bullsh..." "Well." "Or you could say like..." "Okay." "I went to the grocery store." ""Express Lane"?" "I don't think so." "How is this express?" "'Cause I'm waiting, hello?" "Then I'd bring probably the manager character back." "That's called a "callback,"" "and then I would say," ""Here are your rotten eggs, sir."" "How 'bout this, I went to the grocery store and they had an express yourself lane." "Oh, that's not bad, dad." "So I talked a little bit about growing up in New York, got some groceries, and uh, went to the checkout lane..." "Okay, so I lost you." "The joke was funny but then you sort of half-assed the tag." "Okay." "But whatever, I mean, that's your style." "Yeah, this is better, one of those animal shows." "Are they stealing anything from you?" "That's my fur!" "Oh my god..." "Conan, the whole notion of doctor-patient confidentiality is so that we both can feel a sense of safety in this environment." "You're absolutely right, I had no idea that I was doing that." "I appreciate the apology, but I think that there is a reason you did that." "Very much like the kleptomaniac who steals, it's not about him wanting to have..." "I didn't steal anything." "That change was on the couch and I just..." "It's anybody's change, isn't it?" "Well, finders keepers, losers weepers is a very immature approach to anything." "Well it, it rhymes, though." "And anything that rhymes has a sort of hidden truth, I think." "Yeah." "Believe me, I don't think there's any real underlying issue here." "I think it's just something that happened once." "That's all." "Twice." "And it won't happen again." "But man, I was listening to the answering machine, you were working it." "Sweat was coming through the phone." "Conan, really what I was doing was, I was..." "I just wanted to make sure that I made my point and that I did it in a way that was entertaining..." "I saved the tape." "I have been playing it for people at work." "And how did I do?" "You know what?" "It starts out okay." "Mm-hmm." "And then it..." "I'll be honest with you, it gets ugly." "Dr. Katz's office." "Laura." "Hi." "How are you?" "Fine." "So what's happening?" "Mmm, just working." "Boring, boring." "Mm-hmm." "Is my dad obsessing about this Conan O'Brien thing?" "Yeah, I don't understand what the big deal is." "You didn't happen to see the show last night, did you?" "No." "Because my dad said he did another one of his jokes." "Something about a rotary cell phone, which was not funny." "I think he's going completely insane." "My dad or Conan?" "Your dad." "Yeah." "Like there's just no way." "Yeah, I mean the thing is that even if this guy is stealing jokes from my dad, which is, to begin with, a sad prospect..." "Yes." "It's like this guy's eventually gonna just get cancelled because of my dad." "Well, yeah." "I mean in the end it really is Conan who's crazy." "And that's the tragic irony of the situation." "Laura, you're a ball of comedy today." "That wasn't funny." "It wasn't?" "When you talk about being in an airplane, you keep saying," ""And then they drop me out in the middle of the ocean."" "Right." "You're attributing qualities to the airline and to the people who run the airline that they don't necessarily possess." "You're demonizing them." "Yes, I am." "Okay, just checking." "Look, I want some secure people up there." "Mm-hmm." "They never tell you until you're in the damn turbulence that you're in the turbulence, like you don't know." "Well, that's not totally true." "When you fly cross-country, they're gonna say it looks like a smooth ride." "But they lie!" "They lie!" "They lie, especially when I'm on the plane." "I have not had a smooth ride since my first husband." "Well, the guy's starting to question his own personality now, y'know, he's just like always going around," ""Is this funny, is that funny?"" "I don't think he's questioning his personality." "I think it's going to his head." "Well, I know but..." "He's like, "Oh Conan used my jokes, I'm so upset."" ""Hey, how 'bout this one, get Conan on the phone, let me try it out on him."" "Yeah, I mean, plus I just, I gotta be honest." "If anybody got the humor gene in the Katz family, it's Ben." "Ben who?" "Ben Katz, me." "Oh." "I mean..." "Well, if anybody did." "Right, what do you mean?" "I don't know, I just feel like I'm very cynical." "And what do you feel is the thing that's most responsible for your cynicism?" "The world is most responsible for my cynicism." "It's like the movie." "I wanted to get into Titanic," "I should have been able to enjoy this movie about thousands of people dying at the end of it." "Right." "I didn't!" "I just feel like I'm missing the point of a lot of things." "Like "You Got Mail."" "I didn't care." "I didn't care that they lived, y'know, in bookstores next door and he..." "I didn't care." "The fact that your fantasy..." "And Hollywood's fantasy, don't correspond is not necessarily a bad thing, Whoopi." "Maybe." "Their inability to capture your imagination..." "That's their problem." "I know, but that leaves me feeling so kind of empty." "That's your problem." "Like for instance, a guy like me," "I can just pick up the paper..." "Mm-hmm." "Take a look at it and I can develop," "I mean, just come up with jokes." "So I would say like, uh, hey, they just announced that this new fat-blocking obesity drug has been approved by the government, and its only side effect reported is oily stool." "And in related news," "Ted Kennedy reports to have oily stool." "What?" "It's cause I-I'm implying that Ted Kennedy is obese." "It's so funny that you think that's funny." "Right, yeah, that's great." "Hey, Laura, did you hear they're uh, cloning sheep now?" "That's all we need, more shepherds." "Ha ha ha!" "I've kinda been studying them lately." "You've been studying 'em?" "Yeah, especially the, sort of the monologue part because I'm, y'know, I'm thinking about turning my career around." "Turning your career around?" "180 degrees and go in an opposite direction." "I would think that's the kind of career where you just kind of dive in and start writing a bunch of jokes and you see if they're good." "What's this?" "I have to repeat all that?" "I'm sorry, I tuned out." "I said it sounds like a career where you just have to dive in and..." "Hey whatever, Todd, listen, here's the point:" "The world of television is totally open to me, and I'm gonna jump right in." "Well, you're always really funny here at the store." "See, this is the problem with being a joke writer, is that everyone's like, "Be funny, now!"" "Mm-hmm." "Like on the spot, like you hold up your pen and like, "Oh tell me a joke about this pen"" "and I'm like, "Well, I don't do that."" "I wanna hear these jokes, man." "Well, I mean, I didn't bring any." "I could just- I mean, I could." "Pretend I'm a..." "Like a woman you're trying to pick me up and you wanna..." "Well, I mean I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that." "I wouldn't use my jokes as a pick-up." "I write about my own experiences and what I see in the world." "Mm-hmm." "I was thinking actually that I had lunch today." "I was eating one of those club sandwiches." "How come, nobody's thought of making the edible toothpick?" "Because I prefer not to have the roof of my mouth stabbed every time I chew." "It's like, "Hello, doctor."" "Are you with me, Todd?" "That's a weak joke, actually." "What do you mean, "weak"?" "It's not weak." "Do you do any topical jokes?" "Todd, maybe you're just not a laugher." "Did you ever think of that?" "Yeah, I think you're gonna be meeting lots of non-laughers." "Hey, dad." "Hey, Ben." "Listen, I was just talking to Laura, and I'm trying to get Conan's phone number and she won't give it to me." "Well, she's not supposed to do that." "Well, here's the deal..." "Authorize Laura to give me Conan's phone number, 'cause I wanna call him." "That would be totally inappropriate." "Well, I got a whole bunch of jokes I wanna pitch to him, and the only way I can do that is if I call him." "Ben, Ben, Conan is a patient of mine." "Oh, what time is uh, Conan's appointment..." "Next appointment?" "This is a terrible way to keep time." "Maybe what I should do is give you some of my jokes, you pass 'em on to Conan, then Conan will do 'em on his show." "And you'll kind of be like my middleman." "Why would I acquiesce to this suggestion?" "Let's see what else is in the news." "Well, I guess now they're cloning sheep." "That's all we need in the world, more shepherds." "Ha ha ha!" "That is funny." "Dad, you have developed the wheeziest laugh." "Is that what happens to old people?" "That's wheezy for you to say." "I like that shepherd joke." "Just tryin' to think of how I could work that into a session with him." "How 'bout this one." "Does a soap dish ever get dirty?" "I've got that joke on my list." "You've gotta be kidding." "It's right here." "Well, cross off the duplicates." "Okay." "Another joke, right, I bought a vcr and I can't program it." "It's always flashing "12-12-12", so I just tape the news at noon." "Pffft!" "Give me a break, I'm new at this, Ben." "Hey um, when does it stop with the angled toothbrushes?" "Yeah." "It's like what do I want, a 90-degree toothbrush now." "What's wrong with the straight one that fit in my mouth in the first place?" "It goes back to one issue." "I want the information." "You're entitled to the information." "There are no accidents." "People shave their legs and then put love jojoba oil on them and then go screaming, "Ow, my legs are on fire."" "Who does this?" "Women who want to have these great, deep sexual encounters think, "Oh, I'm going to scent myself."" "And they don't tell you on the bottle where not to put this stuff." "And suddenly just as the car is pulling up, there's a heat that begins at the top of the vaginal area." "Ummm..." "And then, as the car door is closing, your eyes begin to tear because you realize you've made a horrible mistake." "You then rush into the bathroom and try to shower it out between the time he gets to the door and you realize all you've done is spread it." "I'm sorry, so your point is?" "I want the information from the people who have it." "Right, you're entitled to that." "I want the information on the plane." "Right." "I want the information from the people who make the oil not to put it in the pookie area." "'Cause it's not meant for pookie." "Mm-hmm." "Why can't I just get the information I want?" "Why do I have to, like, turn into "Negress on fire woman"?" "If I had a nickel for every time somebody asked me that question." "How are things going with your girlfriend?" "To be honest, I think we've reached an impasse in the relationship." "She's seeing other guys." "I'm sorry, I did it again, I'm sorry." "Y'know, look, I really don't wanna do this." "I don't find this approach helpful for me, y'know, the approach where you make jokes." "I apologize." "I will try and assume a more professional stance for the rest of this session." "I feel like I don't trust you now." "Everything you say, I think is the setup for another joke." "That is..." "I do, I-I think you've got a real corker." "I think you've got a real doozy, and you're waiting to unload it on me." "That's not true, Conan." "I feel like that we have boundaries in this office." "That I have crossed over some line" "I am now crossing back over it." "Guy calls his wife in the office... true story." "All right, listen, you know there you g..., it's ridiculous!" "Conan." "Huh?" "Conan." "Oh!" "You remember me, right?" "Ummm..." "I'm uh, Ben Katz." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, hey, how, how's it going, how are ya?" "Just got out of my father's office, huh?" "Oh yeah, no I was in there for a session, yeah." "This is a coincidence." "Oh, yeah, well yeah, it's nice to see ya." "It's funny I was just uh, I just came here from the convenience store." "Really." "I don't know why they call them convenience stores." "I mean they should call them inconvenience stores." "I, actually I should, you know, I have to kind of run." "I should go." "Right, right, right." "I have a show today to do." "So I just went to the bathroom and then you know how you get that pee spot?" "Right, yeah." "And it's like a, it's like a bull's-eye." "Everybody's eyes are drawn, they know you peed in your own pants." "And then when they say something, you try to pass it off like "Oh, uh, that's just water."" "Right, right." "Is there anything in there that you think is, what do you call it, "viable"?" "For... what?" "I don't know for like, America." "Look, actually, you know, you seem like a nice kid, and there are ways that people go about this..." "You just can't take shortcuts." "Like stealing from my dad." "Pardon me?" "Like taking his jokes." "He told you about that?" "Oh yeah, he tells me everything." "I" " I'm I'm..." "He told me about the bed-wetting." "Told me about the red hair problem." "Y'know, I didn't steal from your dad." "It was a subconscious theft and I've made my peace with it and I've moved on." "Right, right." "Hey, Conan, what's with those angled toothbrushes," "I mean, when are they gonna stop?" "I-I..." "Am I gonna be brushing with something shaped like a "u"?" "Does this thing work?" "I mean, how much angle do you need?" "I'm sorry, I gotta..." "Conan!" "Wait up, buddy!"