"In last week's episode of Soap," "Chester's brain surgery proved he wasn't responsible for Peter's murder." "Ordinarily, this would have made Chester happy." "But Chester doesn't remember the murder," "Peter, or even himself." "Jodie told Dennis that Carol is pregnant and he's responsible, and that he asked her to marry him because that would be the responsible thing to do." "Danny decided to drop his plan to change Elaine, as it might kill her." "And he doesn't want to be responsible." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of..." "Soap" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate, and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ARGUING, SHOUTING]" "Oh, Chester, how wonderful!" "Up and around already." "Oh, red hair." "I love redheads." "See how much better he is, Mrs. Tate?" "He remembers your hair color." "Now, I can't tell you my wife's hair color." "The man has more of his marbles than I do." "[LOUDLY] How are you, Mr. Tate?" "Fine." "Just fine." "But the lamb chops were fatty." "Lamb chops?" "Oh, no, it's a common mistake." "He thinks I'm a butcher." "So do I." "Intern... are you here to take me to therapy?" "I'm not an intern." "I'm your son." "My son's a doctor." "Dad, it's me, Billy." "Billy." "I'm not a doctor." "Well, I want you to know the family is very disappointed in you." "Darling, you'll be coming home soon." "Won't that be nice?" "With you?" "Yes." "[SLY CHUCKLE]" "This is nice." "I like her." "Great balombas." "[SQUEALS] Ah, isn't he fun!" "Excuse me." "I have a surgery to perform." "I hope it's not a vasectomy." "Hi." "Hi." "Well, I'm here." "What's the surprise?" "Well, it isn't really a surprise." "Maybe a little surprise." "It's not a great big surprise." "Carol." "Just tell me." "I've decided to marry you." "Really?" "What a surprise." "That's a..." "that's a great surprise." "I'm..." "I'm really glad." "Well, now, um..." "I have another surprise that maybe isn't really a surprise." "It's uh..." "Carol..." "Just tell me." "Well, my father just came into town, and I thought, you know, that since he's here, we should, uh, tell him." "We?" "Well, Daddy's kind of overprotective." "Um, he's always thought of me as his princess, so I thought you could tell him." "Wonderful." "I have to tell him that the princess is gonna marry the queen." "He already knows you're gay." "Oh..." "No, I told him that when we moved in together so he wouldn't worry." "Oh, it's gonna be so easy." "Easy?" "Carol..." "Here he is." "Princess!" "Hiya, Daddy." "You must be Jodie, huh?" "[LOW VOICE] Nice to meet you, Mr. David." "Hey." "Please call me Boomer." "[NORMAL VOICE] Boomer?" "Yeah." "It's just an old nickname when I played fullback at Duke." "Nothing could stop me." "Hey." "Scotch, neat." "How's my princess?" "Just fine, Daddy." "I call her princess." "Yeah, I noticed." "Well, Daddy," "I have something that I want to tell you." "Oh, sure, princess." "I'm, uh..." "[STAMMERING]" "What she's trying to say is, we're gonna be married." "You two?" "Yeah." "[WHISPERING] I thought he was, uh..." "I am." "Well, it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense." "Oh, well, yes, it does." "You see, because I'm pr..." "Huh?" "We're..." "[STAMMERING]" "The princess is pregnant, Boomer." "Pregnant?" "Well, Jodie, that's very noble of you." "But, uh, what about the guy that's responsible?" "Where's he?" "You?" "!" "Mr. David, for what it's worth," "I'm gonna be a very good husband and father." "You'll never have to worry about Carol." "Well, thanks, Jodie." "I appreciate that." "It's, uh, just that it's a bit of surprise." "In my day, things were a little different." "But the most important thing is Carol's happiness, what she wants." "If she's happy, I'm happy." "That's all I care about." "Oh, thank you, Daddy." "Excuse me, Mr. Dallas, there's a phone call for you." "Oh, thank you." "I'll be right back..." "Boomer." "All right, uh..." "All right." "Let me tell you something." "If you ever bring that faggot around," "I'll knock his teeth down his throat." "Well, Daddy, if that's the way you feel, then why did you say the things you did?" "Well, a person has to be civil." "Here." "What's this for?" "To wear." "They're your clothes." "You're giving them back to me?" "Yeah." "It's a trick." "You want me to put 'em on so you can rip them off again." "No." "No, it's not a trick, Elaine." "I don't want to do that anymore." "So what's your plan now, to kill me?" "I don't have any more plans, Elaine." "I'm giving up." "What does that mean?" "It means I don't know what to do." "There's one thing I do know, and that's I can't go on like this." "Of course, I don't have a lot of happy choices." "Being with you has been murder and leaving you would literally be murder, so I don't know." "It's that awful, huh?" "It's that awful being with me." "It sure has been." "And the thing is that there was a time when I had the feeling it didn't have to be." "Once, I think you had a day when you were nice... just..." "just a nice, normal lady, and I really enjoyed you." "In fact, I thought we had great possibilities." "But then, the next day, you were spitting food at me and calling me "yutz."" "I don't hate you, Danny." "Well, you sure give the best damn impression of it" "I've ever seen." "I know." "Well, why do you do that, Elaine?" "Why do you treat people that way?" "It's a long story." "I got time." "I had a sister once... who was a couple of years older than me." "Her name was Diana." "[SIGHS] She was bright and beautiful, and good and kind." "She was one of those people who made everybody around her feel good." "When she was 16, she was killed in a car accident." "The night she died, my father, in his grief, said to me, "Why wasn't it you?"" "So, uh, my mother was dead and my sister was dead... and my father, who I loved more than anyone else in this world, wished I was dead." "And I got angry." "I got angry, cold, mean..." "And I decided then never to love anybody ever again." "Oh, Elaine, I didn't know." "I love you, Danny." "And maybe, someday, if it's not already too late, you'll love me." "[♪]" "Hi." "Hey, what are you doing down here?" "I was waiting up for you." "I guess I didn't make it." "Is something wrong?" "No, no." "I just wanted to see you." "I haven't seen you for three days." "Three days!" "Mary, come on." "You saw me this morning." "This morning I saw you as you were leaving the bathroom and I was entering." "You said, "Good morning." "We're out of toilet paper."" "You're never here." "You're always working." "Come on." "Hey, I'm building a future." "This is for us, kiddo." "For you." "So you can have everything you ever dreamed of, like a bigger house, huh?" "Don't you want a bigger house?" "No, I don't want a bigger house." "Mary, go back to sleep." "I'll talk to you in the morning." "I never met anybody who doesn't want a bigger house." "I don't!" "I couldn't care less about those things." "When did you ever hear me say" "I wanted a bigger house?" "All I want is you." "You got me." "You got me." "I just want you to have everything." "My friend, Margo, has everything." "Her husband built an empire, and she has everything." "Except her husband, of course." "You know how happy she is?" "She starts the day with Cocoa Puffs and vodka." "By 12:00, she's forgotten her name." "Burt, I have everything I want and everything I need right here with you." "I also need to do it for me." "That's something else." "I need to know I can do it." "My father never did it." "He tried and never did it." "He was a short man." "You know, not more than 5'6"... a little guy with gigantic dreams." "He always figured if he couldn't be tall, he could be big." "Well, he was neither." "He had to watch his kids grow up on potatoes." "I'm lucky I got a tooth in my head here." "We never had enough to eat, or rooms of our own." "He was a beaten man." "He always..." "He always looked like something was hurting." "Even when he smiled, he looked like something hurt." "I don't want to be my father, Mary." "Every time I look in the mirror," "I'm afraid I'm gonna see his... hurt and scared little smile on my face." "I need to do it for me." "You're gonna keep doing it?" "I gotta, Mare." "Come on." "What're you thinking?" "Well, I'm thinking, yes, I understand you... and yes, I see what you mean." "I am also thinking that tomorrow, when you're driving home and some drunk jumps the center divider and you wind up dead, you will have spent the last days and nights of your life working." "I'm also thinking that." "Well, that's the last time I ask you what you're thinking." "It's late." "Let's go to sleep." "[SIGHS]" "I love you." "I know." "Hi, everybody." "Oh, hello, Mary." "My goodness, what is that?" "[GASPS]" "It's my famous apple walnut coffee ring." "I made it for Chester." "It's his favorite." "Oh, that's so generous of you, Mary." "Do you think Chester will remember it's his favorite?" "So, what's going on with you three?" "Well, Eunice is depressed, and Corinne is depressed." "And I was just debating whether or not to join them." "Sounds like fun." "Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately." "I mean, I eat a lot, and I just simply cannot sit still." "I don't think you're depressed, Ma." "I think you're horny." "What is "horny"?" "What you feel like when you're not having any sex." "Horny?" "[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING]" "What a funny word." "Well, actually, I am not having any sex because Chester's in the hospital, but Mary..." "I don't think not having sex could make me eat a lot." "Wrong!" "I have been eating like a pig." "Burt can't again?" "No, he can, but he's never home." "Oh." "I've gained six pounds since my wedding." "That makes no sense at all." "Well, when Tim's mother died, so did our sex life." "I've gained five pounds since Dutch left." "Dutch!" "You and Dutch?" "!" "Eunice, he's a criminal." "Oh, you're gonna lecture me, Mrs. Fallen Priest!" "Mary, look." "We've eaten all the nuts." "You know, I'd love a piece of that." "No." "Now, Corinne, that's for Daddy." "Oh, just one piece." "Well, look, since it's a ring," "I could cut out one piece and then put it together." "I love sex." "So do I." "Well, actually..." "I think it's pretty wonderful too, but I'm not entirely sure I should." "Mary, could I have just a little piece of that?" "You see, our mother never told us that it would be pleasant." "No, what mother said was... that it was required, like going to school had been, and that the best thing to do was close your eyes and make out your grocery list." "And she also said that if you were really lucky, your husband would have a mistress, and then the mistress would get stuck with it." "What a terrible way to live." "Well, Corinne, that was a long time ago, before they discovered sex wasn't filth." "It took you a long time to tell me that sex was nice." "That's because you knew before I did." "I like it in the morning." "I think the earliest I ever had it was noon." "I don't think that could be counted as the morning." "Burt likes it in the morning too." "I don't like the morning because of all that light." "What, you like it in the dark?" "Mm-hmm." "Not me." "You never know who you're with." "I keep track." "What I mean is, it's nice to see a person's face." "Face?" "Well, I like it in another room." "Doesn't that make it very difficult for both?" "No... with him, Jessie." "With him, in another room." "Where?" "Oh." "The kitchen." "Outside is nice." "Well, I don't think it really matters where you do it, just as long as you do it well." "Burt does it very well." "With my first husband, however, it was like a news bulletin:" "brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster." "Oh, Mary, look what we've done." "The whole thing." "We almost ate the whole thing." "We couldn't have." "I only had one piece." "Me too." "Well, that's all I had." "Eunice, please, one piece." "You had at least three." "Me?" "Oh, please." "Your mouth hasn't been empty for a minute." "Girls!" "Please, don't fight." "I'll make Chester another." "Oh, good." "Anyway, it's not our fault." "It's theirs." "Whose?" "The men." "If we weren't so frustrated, we wouldn't be eating like this." "That's right." "If I wasn't really so horny," "I wouldn't be eating this apple ring." "I don't even like this apple ring." "I think I had six pieces." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Campbell and Son." "Burt." "Yeah." "Look, I know you're busy, but what I figure is this." "Churches don't have to pay taxes, right?" "Right." "Okay, what we do is, we put a steeple on top of this building that we're building..." "No taxes." "A steeple on top of a 45-story office building, huh?" "Right." "Well, that'd fool 'em." "Yeah, and a bell." "A steeple and a bell." "Steeple and a bell, huh?" "Yeah." "That's a good idea." "Yeah?" "Yeah, it's really very good." "Yeah, I thought you'd like it." "I'm gonna get right on it." "[RINGS]" "Yeah?" "[SLAMS PHONE DOWN] Ah!" "What's the matter with you?" "!" "Danny, that's the most idiotic idea" "I ever heard." "Danny, hey, come on." "Go home." "You used to stay here because you didn't want to go home, and now you got something nice to go home to, huh?" "Yeah." "So go home." "To Elaine, my wife who I love." "[LAUGHS]" "Oh, yeah." "I'm going home." "Good night, Sal." "Good night, Danny." "Whoo." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Would you sign this for me, please?" "Yeah." "What is it?" "A letter of recommendation to help me find a new job." "What?" "I can't stay here." "Sally, what are you talking about?" "You're the best." "You're the most incredible secretary" "I've ever had." "Burt, I'm in love with you." "I can't stay here because I'm in love with you." "No, you're not." "You're not." "What you're having is not love." "What you're having here is, uh, is, uh..." "Lust?" "Maybe lust." "Could be lust." "It sounds like a typical lust, and lust is not serious." "Lust just lasts two or three days and..." "[SQUEAKS LIPS] it's gone." "I'm ugly." "That's it." "You're not ugly." "What are you talking about ugly?" "What makes you think that you're ugly?" "Because you don't want me." "Because I'm married." "Not because you're ugly... which you're not." "Yes, I am." "Sally, please." "If I wasn't married, I'd be with you in a second." "You would?" "Sure." "You're a very desirable person." "No..." "Yeah." "Look, come on." "You got very pretty hair..." "Oh, thank you." "And your eyes..." "You got gorgeous blue eyes." "And, uh..." "You got a mouth..." "You got a wonderful mouth." "It's, like, a very sensual mouth and, uh..." "Ho!" "You got legs..." "[MUMBLES, STAMMERS]" "Ooh, I'm married here." "Help." "Boss, I can't concentrate." "Nights, I can't sleep." "I'm a wreck because I love you." "Sally..." "Sally." "Listen to me." "Listen to me now." "You feel this way right now because there is a slight vacuum in your life." "And you want to put me in there to fill it up." "That's all." "That's it." "Come on." "Sally, stay, please." "Stay." "Okay, I'll stay." "Good girl!" "Whoo-hoo..." "Whoa!" "But if you should change your mind about us..." "Oh, I'll get in touch." "Any time, any place..." "Please, I'm yours." "It's good to know." "It's good to know." "[♪]" "Will Danny and Elaine stay in love?" "Will love be enough to keep Burt and Mary together?" "Will Sally's love for Burt ever be fulfilled?" "Will the love of his home help Chester get his memory back?" "Will Jessica, Mary, Corinne and Eunice get what they'd love to get?" "Or will they just get fat?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of..." "Soap" "[♪]" "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."