"SCHMlDT:" "Mmm." "You know you want in on this, man." "A little fatty tune." "A little yellow T, Cali roll." "Samurai snack." "So scrummy." "I'm good." "Looks like you're soloing on $80 worth of sushi, Schmidt." "I got the means." "I get why you don't wanna get down, Nick." "But, Winston, you gotta climb aboard, man." "You got a serious J-O-B now." " Serious?" " Yeah." "Dude, it's a temp job." "If you mean piece of crap, yeah, it's serious." " Surprised you haven't made a game of it." " I tried." "I'm losing my mind, guys." "I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something." "What's up, guys?" " Nobody has lady guests coming over?" " Lady guests?" "And how do you feel about opening your home and your hearts to the youth of America?" "[kids chattering]" "Yo, Miss Day, where should we set up these bells?" "[BELLS CLATTERlNG]" "[singing] Hey, girl" "What you doing?" "Hey, girl" "Where you going?" " Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" "It's Jess" "JESS:" "I'm so sorry, you guys, I should have told you  but the center decided to turn our space back into a hallway so I had nowhere to go." "Is this something that a mean, creative judge made you do?" "This is just like a nightmare I had where you brought over teenagers with bells." "These kids had a choice between early-morning detention and music." "And they all chose music." " No kidding?" " Desiree, bells are not for hitting." "Kids wanted to play band instruments, but we got a donation of handbells which are trés, trés dope." "Miss Day, can I eat some of these crackers up in here?" "No, no, no." "Water crackers are for adults to eat with adult cheese." "Can I eat a cracker sushi sandwich?" "No." "Jess." "You gonna sit around all night playing "Jingle Bells"?" ""Jingle Bells" is a trash song played on a trash instrument." "And I'm not really asking permission, I'm giving you a heads-up." "Well, that got serious." "Anyway, you are gonna love these kids." "[playing "CAMPTOWN RACES" OFF-KEY]" "JESS:" "Thank you, Schmidt." "Wonderful." "Great, guys." "So good." "Just think, you could be in detention right now." " ls it too late to choose detention?" " We suck." "We don't suck, we just need a little bit of rehearsal." "Hector." "Okay, good." "Big finish and we're out." "I'm so proud of you." "That's what it feels like to play a song sort of together." "Bring it in." "In." "Yes." " Ensembell." "KRYSTAL:" "Ensembell!" "Five minutes of text time, you earned it." "DESlREE:" "Oh, dip." "Miss Day!" "Desiree?" "DESlREE:" "Miss Day." " Oh!" "You got a twisted toilet, Miss Day." "Nick, toilet situation." "Code one." "Water only." " You didn't tell her the system?" " She went rogue." "Turn on the faucet before you flush the toilet because it's" "nick:" "All right." " Thank you, Nick." " All right." "There we go, no problem." "Perfect." "You did it." "Plastic soda bottle is right where it's supposed to be." " Back in the wall hole." " What?" "It's fixed." "Heard that before." "It's fixed." "It's fixed." "It's fixed." "Nick, repeat after me: "l am not the Chinese kid from Goonies. "" "You know, I fix things just to the point of working, Schmidt." " lf you want a fancy fix, just say so." "SCHMlDT:" "Okay." "Please fancy-fix the toilet." "That's all you had to say." "[BELLS playing]" "That actually sounds good." "[winston CHUCKLES]" "Whoa." "You're amazing." "Goose pimples." "Look, each one a memory." "JESS:" "Winston, please help me." "Just hear me out." "Two things women love:" "Alternative percussion players and role models." "Kids would love it and we'd get to spend time together." "You gotta do it." "It's a mitzvah, bro." " Sure you've never rung before?" "winston:" "Believe it or not I've never played handbells before." "I pick things up easy, that's all." "I know handbells aren't the coolest instrument they might not even be the fifth coolest, but the kids would love it it would mean a lot to them, and if they saw how good you are they'd really get into it and maybe try a bit harder." "Also, there's, like, a lot of potentially cool like, bell shorthand we could use to talk about Nick." "While he's right there, we'll be like, "Nick is such a tinkle."" ""He's more like a tonkel."" ""Tinkle' and "tonkel" are potential bell talk we could use." " I get it." "Just be cool, please." " I am cool." "Before you make your decision I'd only need you till the concert on Sunday." " I don't know, I think I could be into this." " Yay." "And with that statement, he never had sex again." "[sings] Winston and me are playing bells Every day" "Until Sunday." "I'm cool." "I don't mean to nag, but how long is this gonna take?" "Fancy fix, fancy amount of time." "Because I would like to use my own bathroom now." "Sir, bathrooms are for customers only." "How dare you." "If only there were some sort of pipe-and-water expert that we could hire to come and fix this problem." " I can't afford a plumber." " That's what it's called." "Wanna do this?" "Wanna have this fight with me?" "You wanna go down this path?" " ls this a path you recently fixed?" " It's called self-reliance." "Because unlike you, Schmidt I don't just throw my money at problems." "All I hear is I can't use my bathroom because you're poor." "It's your lucky day." "I'm gonna pay for the plumber." "No, I don't want your charity." "Well, you seem very happy using my emergency tools." "Oh, yeah?" "Do you even know what this is?" " Doy." "It's a scissor." " Yeah, that's exactly right." "A scissor." "Really, Schmidt?" "Yeah, a scissor that you just threw in the turdlet." "So at rehearsal, keep an eye out for Hector." "I'm having trouble getting him to interact." "He wanted to play drums so I told him bells were the next best thing." "I couldn't keep a straight face while saying it." "He saw right through me." "So why do you do this bell thing, Jess?" "I mean, like, how do you win?" "[JESS CHUCKLES]" "You don't win." "You win by helping the kids." "I just wanna get them to care and try hard, you know?" " You want them to try hard?" " Yeah." "winston:" "I'll get them to try hard." "JESS:" "No, I'm telling you..." " ...they're not gonna listen to you." "winston:" "Okay." "Oh, what, a plumber?" "You plan it this way?" "Just to rub my face in it?" "I wanted rub your face in our working toilet." " That toilet I will never use." " Never gonna go to the bathroom again?" "You're the soda-bottle guy." "That was smart." "Thank you." "Thank you." " I have nothing to say to you." " Okay." " Question:" "How much did he pay?" " Know what, that's enough." " Fifty dollars?" "Hundred?" "SCHMlDT:" "Inappropriate." ""My name's Schmidt." "I was born rich." "I had a $40,000 bar mitzvah."" "How long you gonna do the petty act for, man?" "A week?" "A month?" "Is this my favorite bedspread all over again?" "That was a handmade gift my nanny gave me that you spilled a pitcher of Midori Sours on." " And now you bring it up like it's nothing?" " I left you a check for $30." "Your nanny gave you that for free." "As far as I'm concerned, you're up 30 bucks." "My nanny is dead!" "I'm not looking to make money off of her!" "I will not apologize again for the Midori Sours!" "Who drinks Midori Sours?" " Everyone drinks Midori Sours!" " They don't!" " Melon liqueur!" " I would never drink one!" " American classic with Asian influences!" " Winston would never drink one!" "Enjoy the couch." "I bought that too." "Enjoy the rug too, paid for that." "Organic woven." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" " Oh, come on, man." " Well, I stole the cable!" "And my bar mitzvah was an amazing event." "The theme was sports jams." "[BELLS playing "CAMPTOWN RACES"]" "KRYSTAL:" "Oh, my God." "BlANCA:" "Wow, that was really good." "HECTOR:" "That was amazing." " That was off the hammer." "Heh." "The hammer in the bell." "Heh, heh." "Tough crowd." "I was thinking, okay, if we wanna win this concert..." " ...play something cool. "Eye of the Tiger."" " What's "Eye of the Tiger"?" "The greatest song ever written." " It's so cool, it ended the Cold War." " That's not even a little bit true." "I never thought bells could be cool." "What do you mean?" "I make bells cool." "Do that thing where you hold three bells in one hand" " Three-in-hand." " I think she's talking about the Winston." "BlANCA:" "The Winston." " It's called the three-in-hand." "I can do it." "Yeah, but can you do this?" "[BELLS playing]" "KRYSTAL:" "Oh, my God." " That was really pretty." "But Miss Day has a few tricks up her sleeves as well." " Let's see what you got." "KRYSTAL:" "Come on, Miss Day." "HECTOR:" "Let's see what you got, Miss Day." "Come on." "[BELLS playing]" "[singing in robotic voice] I am a robot" "Trying to play the bells" "Don't judge me Because I can't think at all" "I just like to play the bells" " I wanna play "Eye of the Tiger." KRYSTAL:" "Yeah, come on." "HECTOR:" "Yeah, please." " I don't know." "That sounds so fun, but we can't because we don't have time." " Oh, darn." "winston:" "Here's what I was thinking." "If you skip school and practice, then, boom, you got it." "Mr. Bishop." "HECTOR:" "Yeah, yeah." "BlANCA:" "Done." "HECTOR:" "Yeah, you got it." "DESlREE:" "No problem." "What's the deal with Winston?" "He's really intense." "No, look, I grew up with Winston." "I know how he is." "He's incredibly talented, but he's a jerk about it." "One of those guys that'll never pass the ball if he thinks he can score." "JESS:" "I don't know why it needs to be a competition." "That's just the way some guys are, Jess, you know?" "They get themselves wrapped up in these insecure silly games." "Hey, Nick, uh, we're good with that whole plumber thing, right?" " Absolutely." "SCHMlDT:" "Yeah, okay, cool, because" "I was right about that whole thing." "Oh!" " I unfixed that." " How are you gonna unfix a dead Schmidt?" " I'm not worried about it." "SCHMlDT:" "You should be worried!" "You're so predictable, Schmidt!" "I have fixed everything." "JESS [singing]:" "Stop yelling" " I don't wanna hear you yelling anymore" " I'm gonna unfix everything I fixed." "What-- ?" " I paid for the freezer, so, you know..." " I'm gonna kill you." "[humming "EYE OF THE tiger"]" "[sighs]" "That's a B right there." "Get that in there." "[humming "EYE OF THE tiger"]" "You're fired." "Focus." "Are you focused?" "Okay, what's the song about?" " Hector?" " Hanging tough, staying hungry." "A man and his will to survive." " Are you brown-nosing me?" " Yes, I am." "You're so cool." " Where are your eyes?" "ALL:" "On the tiger." "One, two, three, four." "[playing "EYE OF THE tiger"]" "Two, three, four." "[BELLS playing OFF-KEY]" "No, no, no!" "Are you kidding me?" "It is not that hard, people." "It is an instrument that a cat wears around its neck." "Know what?" "I think they did a pretty great job considering they've only played it eight times." "You thought wrong because I'm out there right now by myself in the cold." "I got no support." " Maybe we're not good enough." " No, you are good enough." "This is not your problem, this is Mr. Bishop's problem." "Pah." "Rest." "Pah, pah, pah." "Rest." "Pah, pah, pah." "Rest." "Pah, pah, pah." "Rest." "Can you hear it?" "It's a very famous song." " Mr. Bishop." "winston:" "Tell you what." "Here." "Here." "You're gonna play these, okay?" "Play these until you figure it out." "Right?" "Don't play these." "[laughing]" "And what are you laughing at, WNBA?" "This is what you look like:" "[winston GRUNTlNG]" "Like fighting off a shark." "This is what I want:" " Mr. Bishop." " Petting a dolphin." "Oh, yeah, there we go." "All right, and you." " You didn't make me wanna throw up." " Really?" " Now, come on, people." " Out." " What?" " Out of the group." "You're being mean." "Fine." "I don't need this." "I warned y'all about these bells." "Told you, told you, told you." "I'm gonna make you guys a pitcher of my famous virgin sangria." "Isn't that just juice?" "[SCREAMS]" "This has to stop." "It's not my war!" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Hey, uh, maybe Jess is right." " We should talk this thing through." " Absolutely." " Yeah?" "Gonna put a clean shirt on." " Yeah." "Great, man." " What is that?" " I'm sorry." "I put your couch and your freezer in your room, Schmidt." "I didn't wanna get my poor on them." "I gotta get in there." "I've to go to a networking event later." " Scott Caan is speaking." " Ugh, would you listen to yourself?" " Did you use my conditioner?" " No." " No, I can tell, man." " What are you doing?" "Lotusberry Relax." "Lotusberry Relax." "I can smell it on you right now." "Fine." "Stop smelling my hair." " Know how much that costs?" " I didn't use your conditioner." "Why does your hair look so soft?" "Fine, Schmidt." "I ran out of shampoo and I used your conditioner." " We're talking about conditioner." " You used it as shampoo?" "It's for moisture, Nick, not for cleaning." "I can't believe we're friends." "Give me it back." " Give you what back?" " Give me it back." " Think about what you're doing." " I'm squeezing it out." " You're squeezing it out?" " Yes, I am." "Stop squeezing it out of my hair." " Okay." "It's on." "It's on." "It's happening." " lt is?" " lt is happening." " Oh, you want-- ?" "These are the first moments of what is happening now." "This is the beginning of what's happening right now!" " Wanna get dirty?" " Yeah." " Whoa!" " Come on, Schmidt!" "You little rich-boy sissy!" "Come on!" "Who you gonna hire to fight me, boy?" "Stop running!" "Stop running, Schmidt!" " You want it so bad, you got it!" " Okay!" "Enough!" "Where is this coming from, man?" "Look, you chose to be a bartender." "You chose to drop out of law school." "You're not some down-on-your-luck guy, you're just a loser who" "[sighs]" "I didn't mean" "It's fine, man." "Okay." "Whatever, whatever, whatever, man." "[CHUCKLES]" "These are things that come out, man, when you take another man's conditioner." "JESS:" "Winston, we need to talk." "We had a dress rehearsal." "It was horrible." "[screaming]" "Stop it!" "Oh, hey, Hector!" "Hey!" "Those are expensive!" "[BELLS ringing]" " I'm sorry, Jess, but I really don't care." " Know what, I love running this group." "It gives me confidence, it gives me muscle definition." "Yes, sometimes it gives me blinding optical migraines where I literally can't see three feet in front of myself." "But I love these kids." "And I'm sorry I kicked you out of group but one thing you can't do with these kids is make it about you." "Jess, I don't see what the big deal is, okay?" "I only practiced a couple of times." "You're such a tonkel." "Hold it." "Don't nobody call me a tonkel." "If you tell them they aren't good, that's one more person telling them." "That's a big deal, making sure no one else gives up on them." "Even if they sound like a guy covered in bells falling down a staircase that's also made of bells." "I know you've had a hard month, I know you don't have a job but, God, they're just kids." "Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa?" "Did we get robbed by giants?" "nick:" "You know what sucks about getting older?" "Your friends have known you for way too long." " They've got too much on you." " Yep." "I want friends who lie to me because they don't wanna hurt my feelings." "I sadly kind of mean that." "What happened to us, man?" "We used to be so cool." "And I was gonna play basketball and be a gazillionaire." "Right." "I told myself I was never gonna live with Schmidt." " Who do you live with now?" " With Schmidt and he's killing me." "He's killing me." "I got fired from a temp job." "Yeah, I got kicked out of bell group for being too mean to kids." " I've been meaning to talk to you." " You ain't gotta talk to me, I know it." "I know it, man." "But I was just enjoying..." " ...being good at something." " Yep." "Does she want me to not care what the song sound like?" "This is your thing, though." "It's not always about being the best." "It's not always about you, Winston." "This is about kids." "Just pass the ball." "[winston CHUCKLES]" "[winston sighs]" "I'll drive, pal." "Hey, you wanna go to this bells concert?" "Let me get my cardigan." "I know you're nervous, you wanna do a great job you wanna sound great, but it's not about that." "There's a really big crowd of people who's really excited and wants to hear some bells." "Look." "All right, bring it in." "Hello, Pershing Park." " We are Ensembell." "kids:" "Ensembell." "MAN 1:" "What did you say?" " I said Ensembell." "She said Ensembell!" "It's on the banner, stupid!" "MAN 2:" "You guys gonna play something?" "But first I'd like to welcome Winston Bishop to the stage." "WOMAN:" "What's a Winston Bishop?" "winston:" "Hey." "What's up?" " "Eye of the Tiger"?" " Hector, you think we can pull this off?" " Probably not." " Yeah, I don't think so either." "So let's do it." "One, two, three, four." "[playing "EYE OF THE tiger"]" "Two, three, four." "Know I don't think you're a loser, right?" "Can't hear anything you say when you wear that sweater." "You open your mouth and I just hear, "Cardigan." "I am wearing a cardigan."" "SCHMlDT:" "This is super embarrassing." "nick:" "Yeah, it's terrible." "[survivor'S "EYE OF THE tiger" playing]" "It's the eye of the tiger" "It's the thrill of the fight" "Risin', watchin' us all" "SCHMlDT:" "You don't like the cardie?" "nick:" "No."