"MOVIE COMPANY "STRELA" and" "MOVIE COMPANY "KVADRAT"" "Script LEONID BARATS" "Music the band BI-2" "Chief Cameraman YURI LYUBSHIN R.G.C." "Chief Production Designer MAVLODOD FAROTASSHOEV" "Sound Director ROMAN HOHLOV" "NONNA GRISHAEVA" "NINA RUSLANOVA" "JANNA FRISKE" "SERGEY NIKONENKO" "FYODOR DOBRONRAVOV" "Also Featuring ANDREY MAKAREVICH" ""One hundred clever ideas," Scene 5." "Take 1." "At a certain age came the question "Why?"" "It used to be that a friend called you and said:" ""Listen, I just met two girls here, they have their own apartment in the suburbs."" ""I bought us some drinks." "Come join us!" And you just went." "And if someone had asked you "why?" You would say, "Why what?" "Are you stupid?"" ""Two girls, a separate apartment, let's hang out, have some drinks..."" "And nowadays your friend tells you "come join us!" And you start thinking..." "Some two girls you don't even know... their apartment is all the way in the suburbs." "To drive all the way there, drink with them..." "After that do you stay over or go home?" "You have work tomorrow..." "Why?" "Cut!" "Thanks so much!" " Is that all?" " Excellent." "No re-take." "Very well then." "Where will this be posted?" "Video on the web." "Photos with interviews in the magazine, centerfold story." "Excellent!" "You should name your next project..." ""One hundred stupid ideas from one hundred dumb men."" "Should be in great demand." "ALEKSANDR DEMIDOV" "LEONID BARATS" "ROSTISLAV HAIT" "KAMIL LARIN in the film of DMITRI DYACHENKO" "WHAT MEN TALK ABOUT" "Hey, Kamil!" "Kamil, what's wrong?" " Vera got into my phone." " And what did she find there?" "That's the thing - nothing." "Everything that she could possibly find there..." "I have long ago erased." "Just sent sms to my hairdresser." "She cancelled all other appointments, but cut my hair." "I sent her a simple text message "Thank you." "Kisses."" "A whole night of fighting!" "What's the big problem?" "Since she hurt you unfairly, it's fair for you to be angry." "Just leave for the weekend, and everything is cool." "Slav, I can't do it like this, I'll be worried, calling her..." "Is it better to walk around with a sour face?" "On the contrary, you will come back from Odessa with lots of real reasons for her jealousy." "You'll ask for forgiveness and make peace." "Problem solved." "Slav, if you are so clever..." "go live with her yourself!" "Kamil, you missed." " Nastya, where are my sneakers?" " What?" " My sneakers?" "I left them here." " I don't know." "Sure you don't, and who moved them?" " Lyosha, call us a cab." " Nastya, I'm running late!" "You are leaving to have fun, while I am staying with the kids for the whole weekend!" "And go take Huck out for a walk!" " Nastya, listen, we agreed that..." " Don't talk back to mom!" " Okay." " Daddy, I finished pooping!" "Congratulations!" " Are all the interviews here?" " Yes." " Great." "I'll look it over on the road and will send you the take numbers over sms." " Till Monday." " Wait!" "You have a meeting in an hour." " What meeting?" " With "Face to Face," you asked me to remind you." "And why do you remind me one hour before?" "Couldn't you do it yesterday?" " I reminded you yesterday." " Then why do I not...?" "Ah..." " Slava, what are you sitting on?" "Get in the car and let's go." " Sure." " Did she let you go?" " What do you mean "let me go"?" "Who has the right to let me go or not?" " I packed my stuff and left." "That's all!" " Good job!" "Yes, Sash!" "I..." "Slava..." "Well, the thing is..." "I am not going." "It's not Sasha." "I'll be right back." "Before my parents used to tell me what not to do, now my wife..." "When will I finally become grown up?" " Ouch, it hurts!" " How could you knot it up so bad?" " Nastya, I ordered a taxi!" " I also ordered it." " Why?" "You asked me to do it." " But you said you were in a hurry." "That's just great!" "Ouch!" "Sasha, no!" "You cancel it, we go pick up Lyosha and then you." "What about Kamil?" "Kamil is already waiting in the car!" "In half an hour we're picking you up." "That's all." "Slava, you know, I..." "I probably won't go." "Stop!" "I am sick, I had an accident..." "you forgot to warn me..." "There you go!" "But they are already in the waiting room." "They came a little earlier." "Well call them in." "Gentlemen, please!" " Hello!" " Hello!" "Where are my shoes?" "Daddy, I fell!" " Lyosha..." " Yes!" " Huck tipped over Eve and her potty." " And what?" "Go clean it up, I am doing my nails." " Just a sec..." " Daddy!" "Oh, God!" "Lyosha, what happened?" " Tea or coffee?" " Two teas." "A coffee for me." "Sveta, two teas and a coffee." "Sit down, please." " Excuse me, can you move?" " Sure..." " Excuse me, but what is that?" " Well, you see..." "My friends and I were going to drive to Odessa for Bi-2 concert..." " ...sea, beautiful girls..." "And here you are." " Oh!" "But wait..." " ..." "But we had agreed in advance." " Yes, that is my fault." "But I can't cancel my trip now." " Is the tea no longer needed?" " Probably not." "You sure have a way of solving problems!" "But we had agreed!" "Hello!" " Hello." " Hello." " Tea or coffee?" " Two teas." "A coffee for me." "I got it." "I owe you 500 rubles." "Nastya, hush!" "Eve must drink her juice." "I told you, I will give it to you on the next trip." "Thank you." " I canceled the taxi, Nastya." " I also cancelled it." "Why?" " Because you said that you had ordered it." " But you...?" " Just don't do anything!" " Go take Huck out for a walk!" "Do you hear me?" "What should I do?" "Walk the dog?" "Call a taxi?" "Or get a divorce?" " Eve!" " Daddy, I am hiding!" "Come find me!" "Yes, Slava..." "How soon?" "In ten minutes?" "Listen, I probably will not be able to go..." "No, no, no, just a second..." "I..." "Listen..." "Okay..." " Dad, Huck peed on the carpet!" " Lyosha, I had asked you!" "Slava, Slava, Slava!" "Come get me out of here quick." "Daddy, are you running away?" "Eve, don't tell mom." "Bye!" "Mom, daddy has run away!" "Let's go." "Just imagine:" "Odessa, night club, Bi-2 are on stage... across the whole dance floor waiters are bringing us champagne in a bucket of ice." "The bucket has this thing that makes fireworks, it's beautiful!" "It is already dark, and everyone can see that we are sitting in the central VIP box... so we are the coolest people there!" "And all the girls see that too." "Kamil, and I know that it's bad..." "but I simply can't take it anymore!" "You're right." "What you are saying is right." "I see Dog is the most intelligent creature on Earth." "Well, of course, after a man..." "Thank you." "And then a Pekingese appears on screen and says:" ""I am already seven years old, I am a grown man, stop hanging that pink ribbon on me..."" ""..." "Rather buy me this dog food."" "And voice over will be done by your stars - Nikolai Fomenko, Vanya Urgant..." " Who else do you have?" " Wait..." "I don't have it for free because it's their opinions, but this is actually advertising." "No, this is actually not supposed to look like an ad." "Just some opinions on this topic and that is all." "Sorry." "Hello." " Sasha, what's the problem?" " Oh, you're here already?" "Slava, I told you, I have a meeting." "Sasha, we have no time to wait!" "What meeting?" "Come on, Sasha!" "Well, another fifteen minutes." "Sure, okay." " How much longer?" " That is why childhood was so great." "Because it was so clear what is good and what is bad." "Did you do your homework?" "Good boy!" "Helped old lady cross the road - good boy!" "Broke a window with a soccer ball - bad boy!" "And now?" "You did something good for one woman, but it's bad for another." " And you always did everything for some third woman." " Yes, and she doesn't care." " Everything has become so confusing." " What's confusing?" "Helping an old lady cross the road is still good." "Yeah..." "There!" "Go help her cross the road." "Do it and you will feel better right away." "Not necessarily..." "Maybe I'll help her cross, but she does not need that at all." "Let's go, grandma." " What?" " Let's go!" " I need to go that way!" " Listen, I need to do a good deed." " I need to go there!" "No you don't need to go there!" "Or, for example, it's not a good grandma, but a bad one." "Grandma..." "And I should not help this one cross the road!" "And good grandma is standing on another crossroad and waiting for you." "Meanwhile you are walking this old hag back and forth." "Even worse if someone else helped the good grandma before you." "And, perhaps, it was a bad person, and he did it out of pure formality." "But now he has done a good deed, and you haven't." "Listen, I think you are completely out of your minds... in these discussions..." "Damn, we've been waiting here for an hour already!" "How much longer?" "Sasha, come outside to play!" "We are on the swings!" "I am convinced that we will work together very well..." "[May you rot in hell, office rat, may everything you do turn to crap!" "We left for Odessa without you!" "]" "[Your former friends.]" "By the way, our client has a lot of respect for your "creativity."" " What?" " "Creativity."" "No canister unfortunately..." " How fed up I am..." " Excuse me?" "I am fed up!" "Thank you very much, it was very constructive, see you Monday." "But Alexander Sergeyevich!" "See you Tuesday!" "He is fed up..." "I am also fed up, but I'm still sitting here!" "Slava, why are you now angry at everyone?" " We'll get there in time for Bi-2." " Yeah right, we will!" "Now we are stuck in traffic." "That's just fantastic!" "Know what I say?" "No need to realize your dream, let it just remain a dream." "Why?" "Because we all dreamed of leaving in the morning, driving on an empty road..." " Then dinner in Kiev overlooking Dnieper River..." " I have already apologized!" "Sasha, you are a moron and an ass, only what does that change?" "I say it is impossible to realize a dream." "In childhood I dreamed that I will have a white Mercedes." "But I dreamed that one day I just have it." "And now I can I afford to buy it... but it's not my dream to spend so much money even on a Mercedes." "Can't park it on the street because it will either get scratched or stolen..." "When will it be white?" "In Moscow we have 9 months of muddy weather." "Yes, exactly." "In my childhood dream I would drive this white Mercedes to my school from the gates of which would exit that girl for whom I was driving that white Mercedes." " And you know who else would be there with me?" " Who?" "Actor Mihail Boyarsky." "In his Musketeer outfit, on a horse... and he'd say it so that everyone could hear:" ""Hey, Slava!" "Show me your school!" "Ahei!"" " No, like this "Ahey-hay!"" " Yes." " Wait, what year did you graduate?" " In 1988." "What Mercedes?" "Devyatka was the cool car then." " In 1988 Mercedes was the "Devyatka."" " Kamil, drive." "By the way, it's the same thing with women." "While you are trying to win her over, she is beautiful." "But, once you are living together, in the morning she goes to work, kisses you and says:" " My unshaved puppy." " Or even..." "My sleepy teddy bear." "No, no, no... "Tetty bear."" "Tetty bear." "And, like, it's so cute, yes?" "But so disgusting." "Yes, and that you're unshaved, sleepy, and teddy bear is a bit of a stretch." "No, Lyosha... it's a "streesh."" "Or when she says, "So long, till evening." "Smack!"" "What the hell is "smack"?" "If you want to kiss, then just do it!" "Or something small..." "You notice that her boots have more wear on one side than the other." "And you think to yourself, she must be clubfooted." "Then you think, okay, I have the same thing, but this word - "clubfooted"..." "Otherwise, she is just a beautiful dream!" "You should not even touch her with your hands." "Slava, watch your hands!" "Then Romeo and Juliet..." "It turns out they were so lucky that they died." "They had to overcame so much because of their love." "But could their love withstand, say, his annoying pronunciation?" "Or that he leaves his socks all over the house?" "He is used to his mother, Lady Montagues, picking up everywhere after him." "And that he walks around at home wearing nothing but underpants and scratches himself?" "Pardonte..." "No, I get it, he did a heroic feat for her." "But that was how long ago?" "And only one time." "He keeps scratching himself all the time." "She says, "We love each other..." "Can't I tolerate some scratching in the name of love?"" "But it's just impossible!" "May plague take both of your families!" "Because of you I have become food For dogs!" "New Tedigri!" "Now in tasty Romeo flavor!" "Romeo is also dumbfounded." "Prior to the wedding he's only seen her a couple of times." "Now he sees that her ankles are fat." "And her toes are short and crooked." "And he understands... he rushed into this decision too fast." "But no way back." "So turns out that Shakespeare had a happy end? "For never was a story of more 'happiness' than this!"" "There you go!" "That is why I don't get married." "Hello from Auto Radio!" "A separate hello to those who are now on the road." "With us a journey is always faster and more pleasant because Auto Radio always has your music... news and traffic reports." "Wishing a very good journey to everyone and the best mood!" "DESTINATION:" "Odessa DISTANCE TO DESTINATION: 1342 kilometers" "It turns out that dreams never come true." "In the best case scenario you simply reach a goal." "And that is it." "That's too bad." "I had such a beautiful dream..." "I broke up with this one girl." "We had a serious relationship..." " Who?" "Was it Lera?" " No, not her." " Then who?" " What's the difference?" " Nastya is not here, so you can tell me." "Slava, you are wrong." " When Lyosha told you about Lera, did he ask you not to tell anyone?" " He did." "So why are you mentioning her now?" "He asked me too, so I stay mum." " Me too." " What do you want from me?" " So it is Lera." " There you go!" "Anyways, my dream is that one day we randomly meet... maybe at a resort." "I come back to hotel from the beach, and she is just sitting there with a man at a table." "Our eyes just meet..." "My eyes get watery." "I go over to the bar counter..." " May I have 50 grams of cognac, please?" " Maybe 100 grams?" "Sure." "I down it in one gulp for courage..." "Then I look and see a piano." "No, no, no, a white one..." "Let it be white." "Sure!" "Then all of a sudden it gets dark." "I look great." "Wearing a tuxedo." "Just back from the beach, right?" " Is it so hard?" " Go ahead." "I walk over to the piano..." "No, no, no... one second..." "I walk over to the piano like this..." "And then I begin to strum our favorite melody..." "I never had "our favorite melody" with any girl, but for a perfect dream there must be one." "And of course it would go like this..." "And that's it." "I mean she understands everything..." "That all these years she has always loved only me, and the husband was there just for the money." "And everyone else understands it too." "And then I get up and invite her to dance." "Waiters are crying." "Bartender is weeping." "Cook's helpers are peeking in from the kitchen." "And then he, well, the husband... understands everything." "And not in an angry way, rather he feels for us like a human being." "Because what we have is true love, and he... he is the odd man out." "He pays the bills and... disappears." "Wonderful chap!" "And we keep dancing, dancing..." "Lyosha, wanna know how it would really go?" " No, I don't." " But everyone else wants to hear it." "Alright, go on." "It's third day of vacation, you are coming back from the beach." "Your muzzle is all burned, skin is peeling off in scraps, you have lotion smeared all over..." "Patches of sand are stuck to your face, like little islands." "In your right hand you are carrying snorkeling gear, in the left hand - the wife and two kids." "You walk past an expensive hotel..." "and there she is!" "All beautiful, dressed in an evening gown." "And there's a man with her, also quite interesting, maybe in a tuxedo..." " In my tuxedo?" " Yes, only six sizes larger." "And you are like..." " Oh, hi." " Hi." "And that is it." "They drive off." " And your wife asks you..." " Who was that?" "So what are you going to do?" "Run after them shouting," ""Wait!" "Let me get changed and I'll play on the piano for you!"" "Daddy, I finished pooping!" "Why did you have to tell me all of this?" "It was such a beautiful dream." "Kamil, turn on some music maybe." "Highway M3." "Kaluga Oblast." "1267 kilometers to Odessa." "You booked it?" "Super!" "Thank you very much." "I'll give you all the money once we get there..." "What do you mean no?" "I'll give it!" "You understand that now all of Moscow is yours, I mean clubs, restaurants..." "That's all, hugs, see you soon!" "Sure!" "We'll be there soon." "Guys, everything is super, he booked everything." " He is making us such a gift on his anniversary." "We should get something for him too." " We should." " A bottle would do." " For an owner of a night club?" "A nice expensive bottle." "Maybe something not too expensive, but impressive?" "Five hundred dollars." "Impressive, and not too expensive among the four of us." "Listen, if he is so sophisticated, maybe a painting?" "A painting is a good idea." "In Kiev we can probably buy something like that." "Listen, why is it that you can only cheat on your wife or husband?" " Why can't you cheat on your kids, for example?" " Meaning?" "Well, imagine, you were seen exiting McDonalds with someone else's kid!" "Or your kid finds in your pocket a receipt from a Lego games purchase." "But you never bought him Legos." "Or you buy ice cream for some child you just met on the street." "Nothing serious, you just wanted to do a good deed." " But your kids saw that." " Yes!" "So your kid asks you..." ""Look here, daddy!" "Do you know him?"" "And you are defending yourself, "No, no!" "It was just an ice cream, honestly!"" "Really?" "So how many times have you just bought him an ice cream?" "What's the big deal?" "Get lost, little boy!" "I am telling you this is the very first time I see this kid!" "Just look at him!" "Get lost, little boy!" "Even worse!" "You see some kid for the first time and immediately buy him ice cream?" "If you'd like to know, I haven't seen an ice cream from you in years!" "Yeah... and that's it." "Next morning you find the room empty, all toys gone, and a note:" ""Goodbye forever!" "From now on mom will pick me up from day care!"" "Nastya wrote me a good text..." "I thought she would write "I'll kill you, hate you, beast..."" "She writes: "Marina and I are at cafe drinking martinis." "Kids are having fun in the playroom."" "She is great!" "Didn't take offense at all." "It's not that she didn't take offense, she probably just forgot about it." "She is easy going." "You are lucky." "Although..." "Although what?" "Maybe it's even worse that way." "You have no good reason for a divorce." "Maybe no need to?" "And what if you want to?" "That is why I don't get married." "Stop right there!" "You are actually going to eat that?" " Guys, he is actually going to eat that!" " To hell with him!" "We have absolutely no pity for him." "It's just that first we spend 4 hours waiting for him." "Now we will wait an hour here." "Then we will have to take him to the hospital." "And we'll spend the whole weekend at the hospital..." " What town did we just pass?" " Lipkey." "At the hospital of town Lipkey." "Sometimes when I have a hangover I really feel like eating something totally disgusting." "One of those deep fried dumplings or a hot dog." "Or, you know, this... belyash with fat dripping down from it." "Craving it like crazy!" " I don't even know why." " Maybe it's because you're an ass?" "Really?" "I didn't think of that." "Good theory." "It explains a lot." "Guys, he is actually eating it!" "Tasty." "Real tasty." "Hey!" "This is my shish kebab!" "Go buy your own!" " Kamil, sorry, to your health." " You guys keep drinking." "Why did you not tell us right away that it's tasty?" "Because when a dish costs less than $30 dollars, it does not taste good to you." "Why are you making me out to be some glamorous freak?" "Slava, of course Sasha is no longer our closest friend but do you remember that restaurant on Ordynka that you recommended to me?" " Why?" "Was it a bad restaurant?" " It was beautiful!" "Only it was scary to go in." "The doorman looks like he will tear you apart." "He will say, "And you, little boy, what are you doing here?"" "Mister, but I am already 40 years old..." " I can show you my passport." " Go run back to your mother." "Go on, go on!" "Okay, so I go inside." " The setting, I tell you, is like in the Louvre..." " Have you even been there?" "No, but that's what it's like there, I think." "Only here people also eat for some reason." "The waiter is dressed better than me, all ladies have expensive dogs." "Quite intimidating." "I read the menu:" "Diflope of palaby with katsiusa seeds $64 dollars." "And I am embarrassed to ask..." "Excuse me, but what is Diflope?" "Because it seems that everyone will turn around and start laughing at me." "And the waiter in a patronizing tone goes..." "I highly recommend Diflope." "The best in Moscow." "So all restaurants now serve this." "And I alone, like a fool, know nothing about it?" "So naturally I ordered it." "And they bring me this..." " Excuse me." " Thank you." "...a plate this big with a Deflope that is this small with five or six seeds of what I can't even remember." "Katsiusa for heaven's sake." "The edges of a plate are covered with something colorful." "Something?" "Sifiesto sauce." "Did you see that?" "The plate was so huge probably to emphasize how little of Deflope exists in the world." "And that it is very expensive." "And this little quantity is big enough to cost $64 dollars." " Pennies!" " Who let him in here?" "I start eating... but it's completely tasteless." "The best in Moscow, but no taste at all!" "Toast in our restaurant is called "Crouton"." "It is exactly the same piece of toast..." "Only toast cannot cost $8 dollars, but a Crouton can." "And then you start searching for any taste difference between a Crouton and toast." "And you find it!" "Point is here we are eating such delicious shish kebab for 100 rubles ($3 dollars)." "And there I was sitting there like a fool eating that Diflope with Crouton." "The best in Moscow!" "Thank you." "Very tasty shish kebab!" " That's because I don't know how to sing." " What do you mean?" "Well, I'm a Georgian." "A true Georgian must sing beautifully." "But I can't sing at all." " So trying to compensate for it with my cooking." " You're doing very well!" " Thank you!" "In Moscow, when there was a raid on Georgians, I was stopped by cops." "They said, "You're a Georgian."" "I tell them, eh, listen, I'll sing for you, and you will let me go... because you will understand that a real Georgian cannot sing so badly." " Did they let you go?" " Of course." "After I paid them $300 dollars." " They didn't even listen to me sing." " Thank you very much!" " Thank you!" "There is no more future." "Before, in childhood, there was always something bright and exciting to look forward to..." "Life." "Now I know exactly what is going to happen later." "Same thing as today..." "I will be doing the same thing, going to the same restaurants... or very similar." "I will be driving about the same car." "Instead of the future there is now only the present." "The present that is happening now, and present that will happen later." "And I do like my present." "The car is good and restaurants are nice..." "Only it's a pity about the future." "Clever!" "Quite clever!" "If they are all so smart... then let them explain why Kiev is the mother of all Russian cities?" "Well, that Russian - that's understandable." " But why is Kiev a "mother"?" "Word Kiev is masculine." " I will tell you..." " That's because Moscow is the port of five seas." " Great answer!" "But why are "kinologs" dog handlers and not film (kino) makers?" "Let's assume that this is also because Moscow is the port of five seas." "But why does Sasha not marry Vika?" "That remains unclear." "Sure, I'll tell you..." "Tell me what is the most annoying thing about being married?" "That Moscow is the port of five seas!" " I am being serious." " Don't know." " Lack of other women?" " No." "Lack of opportunity to have other women." "What a refined intellectual is with us in this car!" "You may not even use it, but the opportunity must be there." " Example: you have been forbidden to eat with a fork." " By whom?" "Don't know." "You've been told to never again eat with a fork." "It would seem, to hell with it, you can eat with a spoon, sticks, hands..." "But you have been told - no fork, and immediately you feel like eating with a fork." "And you have so many forks right in front of you." "Plenty of them!" " Two-tiened, three-tiened, silver, cupronickel..." " Beautiful!" " Yeah, beautiful!" "Even aluminum one would be good enough, if you didn't have a fork in 3 years." "But you can't have one!" "Yesterday you still could, but not today." "What has changed?" "What does Vika have to do with it?" "Why is it always that they are drinking and I am not?" "Why always?" "When else did it happen?" "We were sailing somewhere..." "Where?" "Sailing... sail..." "Hey, Kamil, what's up?" "!" "Hello!" " Look ahead!" " He was sleeping!" "No, no, everything is okay." " You're not sleeping?" "You sure?" " No, no, not sleeping." "Although..." "I haven't slept a whole night." "That's why I must be dozing off." "Kamil, stay calm, everything is okay." "We'll get to Kiev soon, a hotel is booked for us there." " How do you say "hotel" in Ukrainian?" " "Hotel."" "We'll go to our room..." " How do you say "room"?" " "Room."" "...And there is a soft clean featherbed already spread out for us..." " How do you say "feather bed"?" " Sasha, it's just "feather bed."" "So I already know Ukrainian language!" "Yes." "And in the morning you will order tea in bed..." " No, he will not be able to order..." " Why?" "Because he doesn't know Ukrainian!" "He will call and say, "Tea in bed." But no one will understand him." "Because how must he say it?" " Tea in bett." " Yes!" "And I already know it "tea in bett."" "Sasha, but there is one you don't know..." "How do you say "Hungary" in Ukrainian?" " How?" "I know! "Vengriya."" " No, Sasha." "It will be "Ugorschina." Got it?" "Oh wow!" " How do they live there?" " Where?" "In Ukraine or in Hungary?" "In Ugorschina!" "That's it... must sleep." "Hey, Kamil!" "Kamil!" "Stop." "I don't understand anything." "We should be there already!" "Then why are we here?" " And what is "here"?" " I think we've already been here, Kam." "Kam, what?" "I've been sleeping for the last 30 minutes." "Yeah, it's even scary to think about what was here before Soviet authorities." "So they have some new musicians in the band, their live music is amazing!" "Slava, listen, I'm tired of hearing about Bi-2." "I don't care Bi-2 or not..." "For me it's not about where I'm going, but from where." "Are you not scared there might be a bare electrical wire down there?" "Lyosha, turn on the far headlights." "A town named "Whores." We're spending the night here." " I can't!" " Why?" "I am married." "I cannot go to "Whores."" "Village Beldyazhki (Whores)." "Hotel Cozy." "987 kilometers to Odessa." "Well, guys..." "Here you are..." "Two beds here and two in the next room." "Indeed, it is exactly the same." " There's no bedding." "Is that how it should be?" " No, no, I'll bring that right now." " Here is the key, please." " Thanks." "Excuse me..." "Excuse me, but is there anything to eat?" " Our barmaid closes fridge at night." " Can you not open it?" "No, she locks it shut." "Would you like some rice?" " Maybe at least some tea?" " It's in the tin can." "So, guys, do not open the windows!" " But it's so stuffy in here." " Mosquitoes will come." " But we'll turn the lights off." " Cockroaches will come." "Ugorschina..." "Sasha, it's hopeless." "So I think people who criticize affairs on the side are simply those who cannot have them themselves." "Imagine, an ordinary normal man, but not cheating on his wife out of principle." "Good man, right?" "One day he is sent on a business trip to the Whores town here for a land workers conference." "He stays at our hotel..." "in our room 108..." "In the next room the pop singer Janna Friske is staying." "She mistook the land workers conference for a conference of billionaires." "Bummer..." "To the hotel, please!" "Will you show the way?" "And she falls in love with him at first sight, when he knocks on her door... to ask to borrow a water boiler." "Who's there?" " You wouldn't have a water boiler?" " Excuse me...?" "Oh, dear mother..." "But we remember that he is a faithful husband." "How can he refuse her?" "Well, c'mon, he can." "He can." "But then it's because of insecurity, fear to not meet her expectations." "Faithfulness has nothing to do with it." "Or there is another reason..." "He is a dumbass." "He could have had the most exciting adventure of his life, but he tells her "no."" "On the other hand..." " Can you imagine how good it feels to refuse in that situation?" " No, I can't." " She came..." "Janna Friske herself..." " I know..." "She came and said, "I am all yours."" "I love you, Vyacheslav Gavrilovich!" " And he replies..." " But I do not." "Just like that he gets back at all women... for the teenage pimples, the girl in 9th grade who said no, when you asked her to dance, the college girl who fell asleep during the most important moment - that drunken fool!" " All of this happened?" " It has!" " He says to her..." " Dear Janna Friske..." "Get a hold of yourself." "I am a married man." "And take back your water boiler." "And he drives her away." "Bastard... a shame to us all." "Don't worry, we'll get even." "He returns home and tells his wife everything." "He's proud because, first, Janna Friske herself took an interested in him, and, second, he resisted." "But his wife, nevertheless, starts an interrogation." "You did it, yes?" "Look me in the eyes!" "I can see that you did it." "I did not do anything, or why would I tell you about it?" "You kissed, right?" "We did not kiss at all." "Ok, I get it." "You were hitting on her, and she turned you down." "She was the one hitting on me, and I turned her down, I swear!" " Swear by what?" " By our son's health." "What are you arguing about?" " You go to bed." " Go, sonny, go." "So... you really did not do it?" "Yeah..." "You said no?" "To Janna Friske?" "Yeah." "What a dumbass!" "And she leaves him." "Because how can you live with such a dumbass?" "To dumbasses!" "My dad is a dumbass!" "Guys!" "Ah, here you are." "I brought you bed sheets." "Take it." "What about this question "Why?"" "What do you mean?" "When I tell her, "Let's go to my place."" "And she responds, "Why?"" "So?" "Explain to me, what am I supposed to tell her?" "There is no bowling or cinema at my place." "Am I supposed to tell her, "Let's go to my place, we'll make love once or twice." "I'll definitely be satisfied, maybe you will be too." "After that you can stay over, but I would prefer that you leave."" "If I say it like that, then she will definitely not come over." "Though she perfectly well understands that this is exactly what she is coming over for." "And so I say to her, "Let's go to my place." "I have a wonderful collection of 16th century lute music."" "And this answer she is completely happy with." "What do you want?" "Should getting laid to be as easy as asking for a cigarette?" " Excuse me." " Yes." "I beg your pardon, but do you have a fuck?" "I am so sorry, but I quit." "Congratulations." "Excuse me, you wouldn't have a..." "I only have one left." " Saving it for your husband?" " Yes." " Well, if this man really needs it badly..." " No, that's alright!" " Would you prefer it this way?" " No, probably not." "I really don't know what I want." "Look, I have a wife, a child." "A big refrigerator." "Do I really want all this or is it simply supposed to be like that?" "Or maybe I want to leave everything and become a free man?" "Such bliss!" "On the other hand no, I love them." "Or maybe I'm just used to how things are?" "Afraid to change something." "Maybe I should change something?" "How do I figure this out?" "When I was a child, I had just the thing for these occasions." "I would imagine that Nazis have come to me not for "Hande hoch,"" "but with a noble mission." "To help me figure out my inner world." "They shine light in my face and ask me questions which I cannot answer for myself." "Can't get to the bottom of the truth." "Who do you love more?" "Marina Shturmanova from class 8V?" "Or Yana Mischenko from class 9B?" "If you tell us the truth, we will let you go." "If not, we will shoot you." "And somehow they, Nazis, know this truth." "I gather my thoughts... and suddenly realize!" "Yana Mischenko!" "Well done, Russian Ivan." "Great method." "I still use it." "I've heard that some couples agree to tell each other the truth, if they have an affair." "I can only imagine..." "Tell me the truth." "Have you ever cheated on me?" "Yes." "Just the other day with the secretary." "And that very second she slams the lamp down on his head!" "Covered in broken glass he's like, "What are you doing?" "We had an agreement!"" "And then it becomes clear that it was never part of the agreement that she would not hit him with a lamp after this truth." "And, secondly, that those agreements are made for one purpose only:" "to hear "no" as the answer." "And it doesn't matter if it is the truth or not." "Alexander Demidov "Encyclopedia of Family Life"" "Chapter "Influence of a night lamp on human libido."" " Enough yelling!" "We are sleeping here!" " Just a sec." "Or you tell her," ""I am going to a football match with some friends."" "She says, "Sure, go ahead."" ""Only you haven't seen you son in two days already."" "So next time you add "maybe"." ""Maybe I will go to a football match with friends." "Maybe..."" "In other words, you start asking for permission." "She says, "Why are you asking me?"" ""Have I ever stopped you from doing anything?"" "Then you start saying that you'll be coming late from work." " But why should I lie to her?" " Bla-bla-bla!" "She is the closest friend in my life." "Right, Lyosha?" "Lyosha!" "Kam, sorry, I'm falling asleep." "Why aren't you sleeping?" " Don't know, I'm wide-awake!" " Don't be upset." " You want to figure things out?" " Of course I do." "It means that everything is fine with you." "Crisis is when you don't want anything." "And then you start wanting to want something." "That's nothing." "When you don't want to be wanting to want something - that is a crisis!" "It's not a crisis, it's fucked-up!" ""We will help you to figure out your inner world." "Nazis."" "Pardonte!" " They'll stop us, make you take a breathalyzer, and it will show." " No, it won't show." "I brushed my teeth, had coffee." "I should be fine." "Show me your breath." " Seems to be fine." " It's fine." "Why is that?" "We drank the same amount." "But in the morning one stinks, and the other one just has a light smell?" "This is the inner class difference." "Crap!" "Come back!" " What's going on?" " Stop!" "Stop!" "Back!" "Back!" "Calm down!" "We're stopping!" "One sec!" "What's going on?" "I wrote a text for Lena, but sent it to Sonya." " Oh, God!" " What did you write?" "Read it out to me and I will tell you exactly what you need to do." "OK, reading: "Hello, beautiful girl..."" ""The farther I am away from you, the more I desire you."" ""Send me a long warm text." "Yours truly."" "Well?" "What's the big problem?" "I've never called Sonya a "beautiful girl" before." "Relax, so you made a nice compliment!" "Big deal." "I've stopped writing names in text messages long time ago." "You are right there." "That way you can do mass forwarding." " So you think it should be fine?" " What are you worried about?" "I like to personalize things." "I remember I was buying New Year presents." "I bought a present for the most important woman, so I had 3 more to buy for less important women." "The shop girl, clearly an experienced woman, says to me," ""You want 3 identical presents, right?"" "No." "I have 3 different girlfriends, so I must get 3 different presents." "And the shop girl looked at me with so much respect that decent men still do exist in this country." "Somehow women are more noble in this respect." "I'd like to think so at least." "Right!" "I know this one woman who can text "kisses" from her phone without taking her hand out of her purse." "She and her husband are driving in a car." "He tells her," ""Today we will spend the whole evening together."" "She smiles at him, meanwhile her hand goes inside the purse, and I receive a text message, "Can't see you tonight." "Kisses."" " If Nazis came and asked..." " Oh, not again!" "Those Nazis that shoot you, if you don't tell them the truth," ""Has your wife ever cheated on you?"" "Either way I would say "no."" "Because if she has not cheated, then you said the truth, they let you go." "But if she has cheated, then you're finished." "No, she has not cheated." "Wrong answer." "[His wife cheated on him.]" "You bitch!" "Thank you, Nazis." "I agree there is no point in saying "yes."" "Absolutely." "Suppose you say, "Yes." "She cheated."" "And that turns out to be the truth." "They let you go." "Go live your life." "Only how are you to live with that?" "You know." "She knows that you know." "All the Nazis know it." "Calling them back would be awkward." "Useful chaps." "What if everything had been premised on on you not knowing." "And now she will leave you, but you love her." " Damn it!" "What the..!" " What?" "Is she on to you?" "No, she's not..." ""Thank you, my hairy puppy!" "Smack-smack!"" "Oh, damn!" "Damn what?" "Have you seen her legs?" "Now live with it." "That is why I don't get married." "It's strange how when a man likes a woman he needs to conquer her, to win her down." "But when woman likes a man in order to win him over she must give in to him, in other words lose!" "She wins by loosing!" "We are playing checkers, they purposely allow us win our game." "Incomprehensible female logic." "It's always like that." "KIEV." "MOTHER OF RUSSIAN CITIES." "472 KM TO ODESSA." "Beautiful." "It's even more beautiful inside!" "Come on." " What, where?" "!" " Come on." "Where are you going?" "Lyosha!" "Come!" "I haven't been here in 10 years." "First we satisfy spiritual hunger, then physical." "Spiritually I am not very hungry, but physically - extremely so!" "We are already here, Slava." "Look how beautiful!" "Lyosha, you know I am always on your side, but I haven't eaten anything since yesterday." "Let's go grab a bite first." " OK, a quick bite and then..." " Sleep!" "I will be having lunch" " with people who are poor in spirit." " Agreed." " Small uncultured bastards." " Agreed." "Lyosha gets the best of both ends:" "he will eat and he will look like a highly cultured person, while doing it." "Oh God, I see kartoplyaniki!" " Lyosha, what are kartoplyaniki?" " Potatoes, grated." " Gerly?" " No, those are called draniki." "This one is like a cutlet with mashed potato inside and fried all over." " Like zrazy?" " What zrazy?" "How do I explain this?" "It's kartoplyaniki!" "Miss, can you, please, bring us everything on pages 2, 3 and 4 except the fried brains." "Yes!" "And vodka with pepper." "No-no-no." "Gorilka with pApper." "So I have not yet fully mastered Ukrainian." "Thank you." "Yes, Vera?" "Really?" "So?" "So now what?" "Why is she tormenting him?" "Doesn't she understand that eventually he will leave her?" "I think he presses down on her." "He needs to feel in charge, so he puts her down." "You don't get it, this is how he lives." "He provokes her, they have a fight." "Then they make up, and for some time he is happy." "Why do you think so?" "Because he does the same thing with Yana." "It's boring for him otherwise." " Give me some vodka." " Pour it for him." "Kamil, maybe you shouldn't be pressing down on her so?" " After all we are out having fun, while she is at home." " Know what, Lyosha?" "Could you have..." "Ok, just listen me out..." "Three days ago both Vera and Yana texted me." "Just listen to this..." "Yana: "My dear, I miss you so much." "I want to see your eyes."" "Vera: "We are out of rice, carrots, tomatoes and cabbage..."" "Yana: "I miss you, even when you're with me."" ""We should have more moments when we are together."" "Vera: "Buy hair loss treatment shampoo Vichy and deodorant, the ball one, not spray."" ""I love you so very much."" ""Napkins, paper towels, toilet paper 4 packages." "When are you back?"" "Yana: "I wish you come to me in my dreams tonight."" "Vera: "Call me when you're at the store." "I probably missed something."" "This one will be scarier than "Faust" of Goethe." "But you do understand that if you leave Vera for Yana 6 months later Yana will also be texting you about paper napkins." "I know." "Kam, didn't you say that you erased everything?" "Everything but not quite." "The phone has such special places that she will never find." "Honestly I don't get this hide-and-seek." "You lie." "Then you have to remember what you lied, when and to whom." " Why can't you just say the truth?" " So you prefer truth?" " Yes." " So when you marry... you immediately start telling your wife the truth?" "Yes, Lyosha." "Or even better..." "You gather all the women you had before her and during relationship with her and you introduce them to her." "Yes!" "All girls of Rostislav, please come to Dock 5." " You are?" " June of 2001." "Get on." " I am also June 2001!" " Get on!" "Anyone else from summer 2001?" "Yes!" "All of you get on as a group!" "Rostislav, you should moderate your appetites a little." "Otherwise in five years we will have to charter a cruise ship." "That's a much higher price bracket." "I beg your pardon?" "That's from when I was in the hospital for two weeks." "Compound fracture." "I hope your personal life does not sink our entire ship." "Food is here!" " Where are the buns?" " Borsch!" "Borsch!" "I want borsch too." "So everyone is aboard, the ship has sailed." "Girls are on upper deck drinking champagne." "All so beautiful, with their hair done." "Because they all want to please me, and impress each other too." "And then I appear..." "Hello, my dears!" "Hello to everyone who at least once has been close to me!" "I cherish all of you, though some of you I don't remember." "We love you too, Slava!" "I am very nervous right now." "Let me introduce you to a person... who some may have heard about, some may even have seen... but the majority never even suspected that she exists..." "My wife!" "I don't even know what to say." "I have probably never been more proud of my husband!" "He is such a great man, isn't he?" "It just so happened that I have more of him in my life than any one of you." "But I look at you all right now..." "You are all so sweet." "To think that I even used to get jealous, how foolish of me." "Didn't want to share him with others." "But why should I be greedy?" "Now it's time for introductions!" "Hello." "Hello." "This is Lyuda from work." "We've been seeing each other for 2 years, but always on the run." " Why on the run?" "She's such a cutie!" " Yes, very cute." "But I have a rule:" "no romance at work." "She's an exception to the rule." "I will not need to introduce you two." "This is your best friend." " Sveta!" " Hi!" "You are such a bitch!" "But now we will have something to talk about." " But agree, he is..." " Great!" "You see!" " You are quite a pig." " Well, you left for a week..." "Sveta came, thought you were home." "And it just happened." " Where did you do it?" "At our home?" " No, we went to a hotel." "Why hotel?" "Nobody was at home!" "And Sveta knows where I keep fresh bed sheets." "Also, hotels are expensive." "How much did you pay?" "Who cares?" "You don't have money to buy me a fur coat, but for a hotel you have it!" " Next time do it only at home!" " Deal!" "Anya, Olya, and Masha." "My fitness instructors." "Hello." "Yikes!" "Is that a man?" " Where?" " Over there." "No, there are no men here!" "Let's go." "I have a surprise for you downstairs." "Yes, but how..." " Who was that?" " Probably just a waiter." "Just don't find yourself at this type of party when it's organized by your wife." "Are you nuts?" "!" "Think before you talk!" "Sasha, don't you dare say such things aloud." "Because it will all materialize." "Jesus Christ!" "I ate too much!" "4 kartoplyaniks." "By the way, the first six went down very well." "After kartoplyaniki you should not have eaten vareniki." "And then also have draniki." " But it was all so delicious!" " Draniki, draniki..." "Why do they call it Andriyivskyy Descent?" "This is the Andriyivskyy Climb!" " What is this?" " This is Andy Warhol!" " Who is that?" " Most famous artist of the XX century." "And the most expensive one." " And how much does this crap cost?" " This is a copy." "The original costs millions of dollars." " The world has gone mad!" " It's one of his most famous paintings." "I wonder how would I even know it's great art, if you had not told me?" "Contemporary art is a very subtle thing." " Good day." " Hello." "I have been to Guggenheim Museum in New York." "Me too!" "Fifth Floor" " Contemporary Art." "I go in..." "I see a picture of a yellow parallelepiped." "Description says: "Yellow parallelepiped"." "I'm thinking, Malevich already painted something similar 100 years ago." "Topic should be closed." "Okay, I keep walking." "Two triangles blue and red." "Description says: "Two triangles blue and red"." "And I was wondering what could it be?" "Turns out that it's two triangles." "I keep walking and see a pile of garbage... with a rope around it and description tag that says..." ""Pile of garbage."" "There!" "Kamil is starting to understand contemporary art." "From there I could easily guess the names." "I keep going..." "And I see Lavatory... exactly the same rope and a description: "Lavatory is closed."" "I began thinking is this a lavatory that is closed?" "Or is this a work of art with the name "Lavatory is closed"?" " So... and what was it?" " I don't know." "I figured either way I cannot take a piss there because... either the lavatory is closed - the toilet is not working, so you can't use it... or you will pee on a work of art!" "...Right into an artist's soul." "So I went looking for a work of art with the name "Lavatory is open."" " I wouldn't mind using this artwork right now." " Me too." "So, guys, you're good at this, right?" "Choose something without us." "And not too big, so it can fit in the trunk." "Come on, please do it..." "Let's go, I know where it is." "You should have stayed there and let him go pee in your place." " No, he couldn't do it as well as me." " That's certainly true." " They're coming." " Thank God!" "Finally!" "We've been waiting forever!" "Look." "It's wonderful... or terrible, I really don't know." " No time, let's go." " But you didn't even look!" "Lyosha, I like it." "What the heck?" "We put so much effort into choosing it, and they don't even care!" " Okay, okay..." "How much do we owe you?" " 750." "750..." "What's the conversion rate?" "$100 dollars?" "Excellent painting!" "Why $100?" "It's $750." " 750 of what?" " Dollars." " What dollars?" " What do you mean "what dollars"?" "Look." "I don't get it." "The painting costs $3,000 dollars?" "What painting costs $3,000 dollars?" "Are you out of your minds?" " What's going on?" "What costs $3,000 dollars?" " Well, what did you expect?" "This person is organizing everything for us, it's the anniversary of his night club..." " Lyosha, I understand all that, but $3,000!" " Wait..." "This picture here costs $3,000?" "Yes, Kamil!" " Of USA dollars?" " Yes." "They knocked down the price by $1,000 for us." "Wow, what a bathroom break!" " You could've at least asked us!" " But you said you trust us." "I'm not gonna pay!" "That's it!" "I took a certain amount of money with me, I was not expecting this crap." "I'll give my share in Moscow." "I can see that it's good..." "It's good." " See!" "Kamil likes it." " Maybe I like it too!" "But why so expensive?" " It's a Tishchenko." " Who is Tishchenko?" " A popular artist" " Tishchenko." " So what?" "Tishchenko..." "Tishchenko?" "Well, I've heard something about him..." " I can see that it's good." " Yeah, it is good." "Only I'll still pay you back in Moscow." "Or do I have to now?" "Now would be better." "Give me $50 and let's get going." " And the rest?" " Slava, it costs $200 dollars, relax." " What costs $200 dollars?" " The painting." " What painting costs $200 dollars?" " This painting costs $200 dollars." " Really?" "Why does it cost $200 dollars when it's a Tishchenko?" " Who is Tishchenko?" " I don't know." "I don't know either." "Only Slava knows something about him." " Slava, who is Tishchenko?" " Go to hell!" "I just saved him $700 dollars and he tells me to go to hell!" "And we must definitely buy a bottle..." "a nice and expensive one." "We decided that if you fall for it, then he will think it's expensive too." "It's all because art has no objective criteria." "In sport everything is objective." "If you run 100 meter sprint the fastest, then you are the winner, a champion." "And nobody cares about your style of running." "Run backwards if you like." ""I could not grasp the concept of his running."" "Go to hell!" "Try doing that yourself." ""What was he trying to tell us with those 9.5 seconds?"" "That you, wuss, can't run like that!" "That's all." "Because it's all so... conventional." "Now this is beautiful!" "True beauty - this I understand!" "Not your Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol..." "Andy Warhol" "Why do you circle above my head?" "You will not get your spoil." "Andy Warhol, I am not yours!" " Sasha, don't." "I can manage." " Well, maybe I..." "Why is it always like that?" "We're in a hurry and the wheel..." "Pick up the phone already!" " Don't worry." "She's probably with the kids." " It's not about that!" "The only reason she has a phone is to put it in her purse and not hear it when it rings." " She will call you back right now." " Yeah, right!" "I will call her back in 2 hours and say, "I called you 10 times!"" "And she will say: "Yes, I know that." What do you make of that?" "Why is it, when she comes and asks me a question, I can see it's very important to her..." "I begin to answer and suddenly realize that she is already gone." "So only asking the question was important to her." "My reply does not interest her at all." "Can you explain that to me?" "Or why at a restaurant she never likes what she ordered and always likes what I ordered?" "And she starts eating from my plate." "I tell her, "Order the same thing."" "She says, "Why?" "I just want to taste it." And she eats half the plate!" " Meanwhile you wanted exactly this amount of meat and this amount of potatoes." " Yes!" "And I don't mind it, I just don't like it, when people eat from my plate!" "And I do mind it!" "Why when she asks a question from another room, and I hear just the last two words..." "Something like:" ""bla-bla-bla green slippers"." "I ask, "What?"" "And she says, "Green slippers"!" "Why does she repeat exactly what I already heard?" "Those last two words." "How does she manage to do this?" "So you breake up with her..." "she leaves you... so you text her: "This is my last sms." "I will not write you anymore." "We've become strangers." "Goodbye!"" "She does not answer." "Then you send second last sms:" ""You could at least reply." "We used to be friends." No reply." "Third sms: "Looking forward to share the happy news with you."" ""I have stopped thinking about you completely." "So don't call anymore."" "And she does not call." "Then some illegal move: "I discovered there are many other beautiful women in Moscow."" " Still nothing." " Yes." "And then you write 100 more last sms." "In the very last one you say: "Can't you be a decent person and reply at least once?"" "And that's it." "You stop writing." "A year has passed." "You're over her." "You receive an sms from her:" ""It's snowing." "Happy 1st day of winter!"" "Bitches!" "The worst is when yesterday everything was just fine, but today you get an sms:" ""Sorry." "We cannot be together anymore."" ""Please, do not call or write." "I wish you happiness."" "And you don't even understand - why?" "On top of her leaving you, you're in agony because you don't understand why?" "Naturally you begin to call and write." "The rest is precisely as Lyosha described it." "But eventually I found the answer to the question "Why?" Want to know what it is?" ""Because."" "In my opinion this is the exact precise answer to the question "Why?" - "Because."" "Women use it to explain a lot of things." " Everything!" " That is why Sasha doesn't get married." "Let's go!" "Let's go." "And finds out that supposedly I've been cheating on her..." " Quiet." " Sasha, speak softly." "...You can't explain anything to her because she doesn't understand the main thing that for me having sex with the woman I love, that is with her, and sex with anyone else are two fundamentally different things." "I agree!" "Here's what I thought of..." " For instance you love your wife." " Why me?" "...And you love sausage." "You go buy 200 grams of sausage and eat it." "This doesn't mean that you cheated on your wife with the sausage." "Is that how it is?" "Sveta, this is not what you think." "What is it then?" "Go on, make up an excuse." "I wasn't going here at all..." "I was going to the bathroom." "So our bathroom is now in the kitchen?" "So how long has this been going on?" "It hasn't..." "Please, don't start!" "Do you love her?" "No, well..." "No, I don't." "Even worse!" "If you loved her, then at least it would make sense." "Stop it!" "She means nothing to me!" "You don't believe me?" "Get lost!" "Nothing can ever fix this!" "Go sleep, so I don't see you anymore!" "Quite funny!" "Wait, you have to lie again?" "Yes, Slava!" "Do you think you must always tell the truth?" "Well, as a child I was taught to tell the truth..." "But when Germans ask you where your tanks?" "Should you tell the truth or not?" "Or should we teach our kids to tell everyone the truth, except the Germans?" "A German tourist, stops you on the street and asks," ""Herr pedestrian, what is the way to Tverskaya Strasse?"" "What are you shouting for?" "I'm sleeping..." ""Tverskaya Strasse?" "Verstehen?"" "And you point them the way to Yasenevo." "They march there in pig formation." ""Ein, zwei, drei..."" "And they fall through the ice at the Patriarch's Ponds." "And drown under the weight of their own armor..." " Sleep!" " He's not sleeping." "Or you meet a school classmate who you haven't seen in 20 years." "And she asks you flirtingly," ""Well, how do I look?"" "And you tell her the truth, "Awful!"" "You got fatter, older, have wrinkles around your eyes." "And also a fool for asking such questions." "Have you recently looked in a mirror?" "So should we teach our children to tell the truth to everyone except for Germans and aged classmates?" "Complete mismatch between what you want to do and what is the right thing to do." "You want to do the right thing." "But you want to do what you want to do." "So what do you do?" "Let me go, dear boy, I can't go no more..." "What are you saying, granny!" " No, I can't!" "I must help you cross the road!" " No more strength..." "Germans!" "Germans, how should I live my life?" "How, how... with your hASS upside down!" " I thought so." " Germans!" "Help!" "Take me with you!" "Let's go, granny!" "Germans, wait for me!" "Germans!" "Germans!" "Granny, look..." "A road!" "Granny, where are you?" "Now I have a road, but no granny." "What use is a road, if you can't help a granny cross it?" "Brake!" "A movie or a play can always be stopped at a good moment, right?" "But life?" "What if it could always have a happy ending!" "Not death because death is a bad ending." "Rather, for example, you are walking down the waterfront with a girl you love, it's a beautiful day, the two of you kiss..." "And suddenly over the horizon credits start to roll." "You say, "What?" "That's it?"" ""Wait a second." "Who played me?" "Did he play me well?"" ""I hope you all like it because the ending was wonderful."" "If only it could be so..." "Open up!" "Open up!" "Get out of the car, quick!" "Get away from the car!" "Get farther away!" " Get far away!" " We are far away!" " Is everyone okay?" " I think I'm okay." " Kam, why are you silent?" " Kam, what is it?" "I am okay." "How did it happen?" "Where did she come from?" "!" "She wasn't there!" "Empty road." "And then out of the blue - there she is." " I honked to her, no reaction." " Maybe she was deaf?" " What's with the car?" " Who knows." "Don't worry, it's insured." " But we all could have been..." " Enough, don't say that." " Wow!" " This is nuts..." "Listen, we were really lucky." "A tree to both sides where we went off road." "We came right in between!" "A bit before or further..." "and that's it." "Four dead bodies!" " You get away from the car!" " It's okay, I'm fine." "When it happened, we all started stretching out like this!" "But we are supposed pull in, right?" "Or not?" "And you started saying, "Easy-easy-easy." Who were you saying that to?" "As usually he was trying to make a deal with Him." "Who said, "Easy-easy"?" " You don't remember?" " No." " Lyosh, what's with the "get away from the car"?" " I don't know." "I was trying to... you know, like in the movies... the hero gets out of the car, gasoline is dripping... and the after 30 seconds" " Explosion." "Have 30 seconds already passed or not?" "Sasha, stop it!" " Hey, guys, is everything all right?" " Yes, thank you!" " What happened?" " The car rolled over." "Everything is fine!" " Maybe I can pull you out?" " No, no, it's all okay!" "As you say." "Let's go." " Why did you let him go?" " What was I supposed to do?" " He could have pulled us out." " Really?" " Kamil!" " I just didn't think of it..." "We'll stop someone else right now." "This old bat would not even have known!" "We'd be lying here now, 4 dead bodies, and she peacefully walked home!" "Cut it out about the dead bodies!" "Do you regret that we are still alive?" "No, but it just could have happened!" "We'd be lying here now like this." "Sasha, that's enough!" " No I mean ehh..." " Don't worry, your time will come." "We are here." "Get out." "Interesting, when all this happened I immediately called my wife." " Didn't even think about Yana." " So what?" "I did not call anybody." "Who would I call?" "Ok, let's go." "Come on, come on!" "There's Igor." "Hey, guys!" "Always something happening to you!" "Congratulations!" " Lyosha." "Sasha." "Kamil." " Slava will tell you who I am in this city." " Tishchenko." " Wow, you guys must be nuts!" "This probably costs a fortune!" "Oleg, take it." " A very good one!" " Thank you!" "Get ready to have fun, guys, and prepare your liver!" " Relax, enjoy yourselves." " Thank you." "Thank you, Igor." "So, some champagne, right?" " Let's do whiskey." " Let's do whiskey." "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "It's nice here!" "Is the sea far?" "THE SEA" " It's nice when it's dark." " Just like in childhood." "When power goes out, no light in the whole house." "Everyone takes candles, walks with them through the corridors." "Spooky!" "But so nice!" "And even to the bathroom people go with a candle." "When I was a child I had spit race competitions in the bathroom." "I'd spit a couple times on the door and then watch which spit reaches the floor first." "Mom would get furious." "But it was so interesting!" "Everything was so cozy, and you had a feeling of being protected." "They put you in bed, turn off the light, and suddenly you get scared because you think What if the Germans come?" "And then you realize - so what?" "Even if they come..." "Grandma and grandpa are sleeping in the room next door." "They'll have to get past them first." "In the kitchen mom and dad are sleeping." "How will they get to me?" "It's not even worth the effort." "Listen, what is it with you and the Germans?" "Also in childhood it seemed that everybody was older than me." "Well, that's how it really was back then." "So who always got the last candy?" "Me." "Actually all candies were mine." "And apparently I got used to this." "That's why now the most beautiful girl has to be mine." "If she is not yours, then daddy will come, will take her away from the bad boy and will give her to you." " Or will buy you the same one." " Or will bring an even better one from abroad!" "My dad once brought me 4 bottles of Fanta from abroad." "I was drinking them by tiny sips an entire month." "It was so delicious!" "Now Fanta is totally different." "You can't even compare the Fanta back then and now!" "What are you sitting here for?" "The band is already playing!" " Slav, sit with us, it's good here." " What's good here?" "Sasha!" "When I was 14, I thought that 40 is so far away." "That this will never happen to me." "Or it will happen, but not to me." "And now I am almost 40 and I understand that it really will never happen to me" "Because I am still 14." "I feel about 4 years older than that." "I even remember back then I wore banana jeans made in Turkey, a jersey, also from Turkey," "I'm at a disco and I want to invite Olya Chumachenko to dance but I'm too shy." "And this music was playing, you remember?" "Turns out that grow-ups don't exist." "There are only aged kids." "Bold, sick, grey-haired boys and girls." "Once I got invited... to the 20 year high school reunion." "I say, "What 20 years?" "!" "I'm in 9th grade!"" "When I get there I see old men and old women sitting around." "Just to think of it!" "These are my former classmates." "So it means that I am as old as they are?" "!" " What a disaster!" " That's it!" "Let's go!" "Such fine girls over there!" "Short skirts." "Tanned legs." "Let's go!" " Slava, when you are 70, you will still be hitting on young girls?" " Absolutely." "I suggest that you... write a letter to your 70-years-old self:" ""Old fool..."" ""Do not hit on young girls." "It is ridiculous and disgusting."" ""And if you think otherwise, then you are wrong."" "Why would I write this?" "Because you'll be teaching at a college, harassing female students..." "Of course I will!" "Why else should I teach?" "All along our trip we've been talking about this crap... harass, cheat on..." "What crap, Lyosha?" "What crap?" "Do you never cheat?" "How does that matter?" "Look, how she is wrapping him." "Look, how touching it is." "They are probably 80 years old." "This means they have lived together for 60 years." "And you can see that they love each other." "Yes, but why do you think that they never cheated?" "Maybe they cheated that is why they have been so happy all these years." "Can't that happen?" " No." "It can't happen." " Why?" " Because I don't want it to be so." " Like that's an argument!" "Slava, just think about it, and you will realize that this is precisely the argument." "I've thought about it, I realized that it's not an argument." "You answer without thinking, make the next step." " Lyosha, I tell you - it's not an argument." " You know, I think Lyosha is right..." "Maybe that is the right argument." "Here we are, sitting, arguing..." "But everything could have ended in a second." "Eternal, illusory, oncoming..." "It will save me..." "The ordinary storyline of all religions..." "Given to me..." "Don't worry, everything will end anyways." "You know, I would add to that letter, the one to my 70-year-old self..." ""And most important - don't worry." "You had everything in your life." "Yours, 40-year-old you."" "Although I'm afraid that is what will disappoint you the most." "Pardonte!" "Slava, why did you start all of this?" " Meaning?" " Why did you come and start lamenting?" "Who's lamenting?" " You!" " Are you for real?" " You're sitting here lamenting." " Didn't you say let's go dance?" "I've been telling you to go!" "What did we came here for?" "To sit in the sand?" " I've been the one saying let's go!" " Girls!" "Girls!" "That's what I've been telling you!" "Head keeps spinning in the labyrinths of city streets," "Hammer and sickle of the moon is your witness and friend," "A marine navigator is not God and trusts his instincts," "He holds on tightly to the safety vest." "Rivers of love" "Rivers of love" "Rivers of love" "Rivers of love" "I desperately believe in those warmest lands," "Where the wind gently whispers words of love," "And soft grass grows over lacerated wounds," "And fire smolders and fumes nicotine inside the chest." "Rivers of love" "Rivers of love" "SUBTITLES WRITTEN BY:" "Katia Kutyavina (Seattle, WA, USA)"