"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "(timer dings)" "I'm not happy with my zabagliones." "Maybe you just need a push-up bra." "Blanche, zabaglione is a traditional Italian dessert." "It's my Uncle Angelo's favorite." "Yeah, my brother." "He's quite the scungiscoror-or-or." "Even I don't know that one." "That wasn't a word." "My dentures slipped." "Ma, Uncle Angelo's plane lands at 4:00." "You have plenty of time to make a fresh batch before then." "Good, because these aren't fit for human consumption." "Top of the morning, sunshines." "Hey, Rose, try one of these." "Oh, no thanks." "I'm doing what we all should be doing - dieting for the bachelorette auction next Saturday." "Not all of us." "I told you, Rose, count me out." "Even if it is for charity," "I am not gonna stand up there and allow myself to be sold to the highest bidder like some Holstein cow at a livestock auction." "Dorothy, livestock don't get chauffeur-driven limousine rides to fancy four-star restaurants and the symphony afterwards." "Except during St. Olaf Bicentennial Day." "Rose, I am not going." "It is degrading." "Don't be a stick-in-the-mud." "It's for the Children's Hospital." "If you can't degrade yourself for a bunch of sick kids, who can you degrade yourself for?" "Listen to this." "Eleanor Roosevelt in a garter belt." "Now, you can't tell us that a part of you isn't at least a little excited." "Remember last year's auction?" "That rush of euphoria when the auctioneer calls out "Sold!"" "and you fall into the arms of your valiant Galahad?" "My Galahad was a balloon salesman named Sid." "Well, hey, who knew that sawed-off little gnome would outbid a Navy admiral?" "And a fire chief." "And that jeweler who was a dead ringer for Mr. Richard Widmark." "That was a year ago." "How do you remember all this?" "I tagged 'em for migratory purposes." "Dorothy, come on." "The auction needs you." "The children need you." "Please, won't you reconsider?" "Oh, all right!" "It's only one night." "I'll go, but I'll tell you, I really hate this." "Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible." "I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable." "Hey, I have an idea." "Dorothy just did something really nice for us." "Why don't we do something nice for her?" "Why don't we buy her a man?" "Well, I'm in, and I know just the person." "Free every Saturday night..." "Oh, wait, that's a woman." "Oh, wait, that's Dorothy." "No, I meant for the auction, so she won't get stuck with another loser." "Rose, that's not a bad idea." "We were all gonna donate money anyway." "We could chip in, say, 50 bucks and buy her the bull of the ball." "Oh, but who do we know who knows a man?" "Blanche, you know hundreds of men." "I know." "I just like to hear you say it." "(doorbell rings)" "Hiya, sweetie pie." "How ya doin'?" "Fine, cupcake." "Thanks for asking." "(doorbell rings)" "(Stan) Dorothy, I know you're in there." "(chuckles) You always could slam a door." "That's one of the things I love about you." "You flatter me." "Wait, wait." "Dorothy, I have to talk to you." "This wouldn't happen to be an apology for ruining our wedding, would it?" "No, just something I thought I should tell you in person." "Remember my Uncle Morris?" "Dorothy, he died." "Boy, you smell good." "Get away from me." "No, no, no." "You don't understand." "Something wonderful has happened." "In his will, Uncle Morris left us an apartment building - jointly." "We're partners." "Don't you see, Dorothy?" "We'll be together, and we'll have a place of our own." "Oh, God, he's proposing to her again." "Will one of you raise your standards, please?" "!" "Sophia, I'm not proposing." "I'm here because Dorothy and I just inherited an apartment building." "We're gonna be landlords together." "It's not a very big building, but she'll still clear a couple hundred bucks a month." "Dorothy, this is wonderful." "With that kind of money, we can hire a really good-lookin' gardener." "Dorothy, it really does sound like a great opportunity." "On Stan's behalf," "Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm." "Let me guess, Rose." "Ivan Boesky-Vanderfloovenhooven- meistergarbengerbenfleckman." "That's the louse." "So, um, what do you say, babe?" "Partners?" "Goodbye, Stan." "OK." "I get the message." "I guess I'm just not a person you want in your life." "3, 2, 1." "Am I?" "Goodbye, Stan." "Can you believe this guy?" "Like I would think for a minute about being in business with him." "Nonsense, Dorothy." "You can't pass up a chance to own real estate." "It's been a lifesaver for me." "You get a bunch of saps to pay your mortgage for you every month while your equity just rises higher and higher, while those poor suckers " "What I meant was... it's a great opportunity to make new friends." "Look who's here." "Ah, buon giorno, Rosa." "Ah, Blanche." "(Italian accent) Oh, my goodness." "I haven't been hugged so much since V-E Day." "Which was kinda tricky, because as you know, we lost." "Angelo, you're even handsomer than you were your last visit." "Thank you." "I been plucking, eh?" "See?" "I got two eyebrows now." "Everybody loves 'em." "You sit right down here, Angelo." "I got a surprise for you - zabaglione." "Your favorite." "Ah." "Mmm." "(sobs) Sophia." "And that's the new batch." "I'm sorry." "I cannot pretend no more." "Uncle Angelo, what's wrong?" "It's a long sad story, a story of love, a story of deception, a story of a fool." "You know the story of Elsie Holdenfelder?" "Absolutely, Rose." "That one's even more popular in Europe than it is here." "I met a beautiful young Sicilian aerobics instructor." "Gorgeous eyes, angelic mouth and a behind that must have been made on a Saturday because even the good Lord himself would want to take a day off to admire it." "I lost my heart and I opened my wallet, eh?" "Oh dear, the expensive gifts and fancy dinners and weekends in Mykonos, eh?" "I even wore one of those, uh, tiny Speedo swimsuits, shows all your gingerbread and everything." "And she leaves me." "What does a 6'7" American basketball player got that I don't?" "Well, Angelo, speaking in terms of the gingerbread alone..." "Blanche!" "Go ahead, Uncle Angelo." "Anyway, I spend so much money on this girl, I forget about my business." "The bank foreclosed, leaving me flat broke." "I got no savings, no place to live." "And I gotta tell you, a lot of women find this a negative." "It's a family curse, this obsession with women." "The men in our family are weak." "Why couldn't they all be more like Cousin Antony?" "Ma, Cousin Antony had an obsession with men in cowboy hats who hung around Times Square." "What am I gonna do?" "You're gonna trust in your family, because family is there when you're down, and family stops at nothing!" " nothing to help one of their own." "Blanche, I want my brother Angelo to come here and live with us." "Oh, I'm sorry, Sophia." "There's just no room." "Hey, I tried." "Wait a minute, Dorothy." "You're a landlord now." "Maybe there's a vacancy in your new building." "Don't call it my building." "I don't even know if I'm gonna hang on to it yet." "I I I understand." "Sophia, any mail I get, just address it" ""Guy in the Gutter, Post Office Box Anywhere."" "All right." "All right, all right, Uncle Angelo." "For the time being, I guess you can use Uncle Morris' old apartment." "Oh, Dorothy, thank you so much." "My first apartment in America." "Here I will begin again." "Here I will start a new life." "Dorothy, my new life - how close I'm gonna start it to the beach?" "Going once." "Going twice..." "You still want to tell me this isn't degrading?" "Don't be ridiculous." "It's for charity." "Sold!" "For $4." "Well, it's degrading if you don't hit double figures." "I really appreciate your bidding on Dorothy." "It's for a good cause." "You'll be rewarded." "Not in this lifetime..." ""Variety is the watchword for our next bachelorette..."" "Dorothy Zbornak." "Come on up, Dorothy." "This is perfect." "The way the bidding's going, we won't be out more than $20, $30 apiece." ""If Dorothy's not off winging her way to Molokai" ""to assist Father Damian in his work with the lepers, you can find her hang-gliding high above the Florida Keys."" "Rose, where did you get that?" "From your mother." "Before she and I talked, I wasn't aware of any of it." ""She's a scratch golfer who, under President Jimmy Carter," ""served as the United States Senate Majority Whip." "And she likes to read."" "I figured, close with the truth." "It'll kind of anchor the rest." "I want to thank you all for holding this event on a night when my hang glider is in the shop and, uh, Congress is in recess and the lepers are on Geraldo." "Go ahead, Rose." "Right, Dorothy." "All right." "Now, let's start the bidding at... $5." "$5." "$100." "Stanley, what are you doing here?" "I'm buying a date with the woman I love." "Oh, jeez." "Not in front of people." "110." "What the hell is he doing?" "Didn't you give him a limit?" "200!" "Security, have this man removed." "He's a lonely male impersonator." "210!" "What?" "!" "What is wrong with you?" "The woman's been with lepers." "300!" "Stanley, stop it." "I am not going out with you." "I would rather be bound and gagged and left on an anthill covered with honey." "400!" "410." "Sold." "Dorothy, I say that." "500!" "Sold!" "She says that." "Rose, do something." "Sold!" "Sorry, Dorothy." "That's $500 for the Children's Hospital." "I guess dreams really can come true." "Dorothy, here's something that'll get your mind off Stan." "According to my calculations, allowing for overhead, tonight brought in a grand total of $50." "No, $500. 5,000." "50,000!" "It's 5,000, Rose." "Decimal points don't have six legs." "More than 10% of it thanks to Dorothy here." "Oh, who's keeping score?" "What's important is that we made a lot of money." "Together we made a consid" "They were fighting over me." "Did you see it?" "Well, Dorothy, to be fair, one of 'em was Stan." "Do I sense a tinge of envy there," "Miss "going, going, gone" for 25.50?" "You can't put a price tag on beauty, Dorothy." "Oh, sure you can - 25.50." "Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche." "No, I'm not blaming any of this on you." "It's all my fault for giving Stan so many chances." "But I can't do this again." "I mean, how many times can I make the same mistake?" "How many times can you bang your head against the wall before it starts to bleed?" "Nine." "Believe me, Dorothy, I know what you're going through." "I once had a relationship with a man I couldn't get rid of." "Every time I turned around, there he was, pathetically underfoot." "Long after I outgrew my need for him, he was there with flowers and candy, perfume." "I couldn't move without him following me like a puppy dog." "How'd you finally get rid of him?" "Monday came, and we both had to go back to work." "Thank you, Blanche." "And thank you too, Rose." "What did I say?" "Nothing." "And I can't tell you how much I appreciate it." "Ah, Dorothy, I want to talk to you about my apartment." "Ah, I'm grateful." "I love where I live." "And the last thing I want to do is come to you with every little problem." "And now your mother would like to talk to you." "Dorothy, you're making my brother live like a peasant." "He has no closet space." "Uncle Angelo, you moved in with one suitcase." "What do you need with more closets?" "I don't like to talk about my brother's personal life, but a man brings a woman home, how is he supposed to play a decent game of hide and-go-seek?" "Under the table, behind the couch..." "Bambi was on to me like that." "And then there's the water pressure." "I got more water pressure than this apartment." "And another thing" " W-Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Why is any of this your business?" "He's my brother." "Well, I'm your daughter." "Dorothy, I've known you, what, 60 years?" "Angelo I've known 85." "To tell you the truth, I don't quite trust you yet." "Uncle Angelo, in the past three days you have complained about everything in the apartment except the rent." "Reason being you don't pay any." "I told you she'd throw it in our face." "And speaking of complaints, what about that out-of control housewarming party that kept all the other tenants awake until dawn?" "The one I was not invited to?" "That wasn't a party." "That was a quiet dinner for two." "Hi there, Angelo." "Well, Rose and I are ready for our date." "I just think it's so sweet the way the mariachi band all chipped in to go on a double date with Rose and me." "(horn plays "La Cucaracha")" "Here they are now." "Angelo, great party the other night." "Yeah, you look great in a tux." "It wasn't your kind of crowd, Pussycat." "That's funny." "It's the same excuse you used when you didn't invite me to my Sweet 16." "Now, that was a party." "(doorbell rings)" "Hi, it's me Stan - from the fund-raiser?" "I remember." "Come on in." "Uncle Angelo, Ma, I hope you don't mind." "Stan and I are going to go into the kitchen and talk." "Hey, great party the other night, Angelo." "Stanley, I appreciate you coming here tonight, but I've decided I'm not going out with you." "But I won the bidding at the auction." "I understand that." "But there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind." "You owe me $500." "How about Thai food?" "That sounds great." "Wait, wait, wait." "I said I'm not going to go, and I am not going to go." "It's just that, well, you have different intentions than I do." "It's not my intentions, it's God's intentions." "D-Do you think this is all a coincidence?" "I mean, look - your uncle visits, my uncle dies." "Your uncle needs a place to live, my uncle gives us a building." "Don't you see?" "God wants us to be together, babe." "It's almost Biblical." "And thus he smote your Uncle Morris, huh?" "There's a whole school of thought that says he's a wrathful God." "Yeah, well that would explain your hair." "Stanley, pay attention." "No date tonight." "OK, I guess I'll just have to go through my life without you in it." "Stanley, I am in it." "We're business partners." "That's the extent of it." "You understand?" "OK." "OK, I give up." "Business partners." "I understand." "Can we shake on it?" "I need you, Dorothy!" "I want you!" "Without you, I'm nothing." "Do you hear me?" "Nothing." "Stan, as much of a turn on as this is, get off the floor." "I belong on the floor if I've driven you out of my life." "From this moment on, the floor is my home." "Enjoy." "Dorothy!" "I can explain, Ma..." "No need to, Pussycat." "Let's move quick before the cops get here." "You wipe for fingerprints, I'll get a shovel and a Hefty bag." "Sophia." "Oh, great." "It figures you couldn't finish the job." "I'm gonna go get the toaster." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Sophia, I'm not dead." "Not yet." "Would you slow down?" "I'm an old woman!" "Stan, I want no part of any of this." "I am out." "I am selling my half of the building." "Fine." "I'm glad." "I'll tear the dump down and turn it into office space for Zbornak, Incorporated." "Fine." "Fine!" "Don't blame me that it means throwing your uncle out on the street." "Stan, that's blackmail." "But it's got a certain logic." "So, business partners?" "I have no choice." "Business partners." "And dinner?" "Absolutely not." "Stanley, you claim that you have changed." "Well, so have I." "Stan, I have finally come to realize that no matter how hard you try, you cannot fix something that no longer works." "I've learned to let go, Stanley." "Dorothy..." "And you should, too." "I don't know if I can do it." "If that guy at the auction had bid $6 million for you," "I don't care what I would have had to do," "I would have come up with six million and one." "You're my girl, Dorothy." "You always will be." "But if you want me to go, then that's what I'll do." "You know, Pussycat " "3... 2... 1." "I can't believe it." "He's not coming back." "You OK?" "Yeah, I think I'm OK." "No, no, I know I'm OK." "You know, Ma, for the first time," "I feel that it's over, that it's... really over." "Dorothy, forgive me, but I gotta speak." "Sometimes it's harder to close the door than to open a window." "Oh, that's very wise, Uncle Angelo." "Thank you." "Actually, I was talking about the apartment, but I'll take wise."