"ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Thank you so much for coming!" "Thank you so much for coming to The Meltdown." "Another Meltdown... taping!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh!" "Very excited." "We're very excited to be here." "Super excited." "We're glad you're here." "Glad you're here." "You're excited." "You're excited." "Very excited." "You're excited." "You guys are excited." "You're excited." "Hold on!" "Kumail's gonna get emotional again if you keep on clapping." "You're here, you made it." "Oh, come on, pull your" "He's like a reverse Tinkerbell." "If you clap too much, he just gets sad and dies." "What is... that?" "Is that a Peter-- It's a beloved character from Peter Pan." "Two "woo"s." "Yeah." "Yeah, sorry for the deep cut about Peter Pan." "I don't so much about Peter Pan." "I know it's a creepy grown-up who pretends to be a child." "No, it's a child." "You just don't grow up in never-never land." "That's where I'm at." "Nice." "I'll be a little boy forever." "Did you-- do you-- are you" "What happened?" "Did you" "That was the creepiest thing that's ever happened on this stage." "I'm gonna be a little boy forever." "Did you" " Wh" "So the drop-in will just go..." "wherever he wants." "That's how drop-ins work." "And that's how you make a show." "Watch this..." "I've been working on my spit-take." "Watch this." "Say something." "Okay." "You'll see it." "I won't do it on you guys." "I'll do it on you." "All right." "No." "I'm just a little boy." "I can't hurt you." "You-- you need" "Kumail, the monsters are having a tea party!" "What-- what kind of spit-take is that?" "You threw it at yourself and then you dodged it?" "It was the "own goal" of spit-takes." "Uh, does anyone want to be spat upon?" "Does anyone want to be on television?" "No, the people who would want that to happen, we don't want." "Yeah, yeah." "Onstage." "What about Ed Salazar?" "I'll spit on Ed Salazar." "Oh, he hasn't been listening, so go ahead, I'll say something to you." "Oh-- oh, is it gonna get sad?" "If it's gonna get sad, we shouldn't do this." "MAN (O.S.) Do it!" "Hey-- hey, Jonah, um, uh..." "Ed told me that you're his best friend." "You are my best friend!" "I am glad there's a lot of people in the room." "Sorry, but that-- that's how you spit-take." "It's a mist." "Oh, I got it." "Here, let me try one." "Yeah." "Okay, cool." "Ed, could you come out here?" "No, yeah, Ed, could you come out here?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna do it to Ed." "Wait a minute-- No, I am!" "Oh... oh, yeah!" "Kumail, don't do it, you're a jerk!" "Say something." "Kumail, I'm pregnant." "Oh, jeez!" "Jonah, you're my best friend!" "I should probably go... in airplane mode." "Do you think-- are pilots always in airplane mode?" "Tampa, Florida, 2013." "I'd finished two shows that night, it was a Friday night, it was 2013, I was in Tampa." "I was walking" " I bought a piz-- I bought a full pizza." "I bought a full pizza in Tampa, Florida in 2013... because I was 33 and I fucking can." "I can buy a full pizza whenever I want a pizza." "And I was walking back to my hotel." "I was walking on a cobblestone road in Tampa, Florida." "It was 2013." "I was carrying a pizza on my left hand." "Sounds romantic." "And then I tripped on a trolley track." "Put my right arm out, broke the fall." "Broke my arm." "Saved the pizza." "Thank you guys so much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Some of you guys might know... people call me the Bo Jackson of Comedy." "If you've seen my stand-up, sometimes when I'm onstage..." "I play guitar and I tell jokes at the same time... and Bo Jackson played football and baseball." "I think it's an obvious comparison." "And Bo Jackson broke his hip in a football game... and he never played football again." "He played baseball again, but he played it like a little bitch." "And the doctor looked at me and said..." ""You're probably never gonna play guitar again for about six weeks."" "Went back to my hotel that I was renting." "I don't buy a hotel in every city, you know." "And I woke up the next morning... not feeling too good." "It was a pretty bad hangover." "And then I hopped on my computer and I checked an email account that I don't check too often." "Right at the top of the inbox... was an email from this kid named Timothy, he's 11-years-old." "He lives in Toronto." "Timothy said that he'd heard about what happened to me... and he could relate... because a week earlier, he fell off his bunk bed." "He broke his wrist." "He was trying to light a fart." "The doctors took one look at him, they said..." ""He's probably never gonna fart again."" "I gotta tell you guys, right there, as I read that email for the first time..." "I realized that I'm not doing any of this for me... or for the success, or the money or the free cars." "Like, I'm doing this..." "for Timothy." "And I called up my agent... and I said, "Cancel all the cancellations." ""Put the tour back together, because I'm back."" "I know it sounds stupid, but if you've seen my comedy special... even tonight, if you were watching and you saw it... you're gonna see a little glimmer in my eye." "And that's because that when I'm onstage, I feel like I can smell Timothy's farts." "And they smell good." "This is Timothy's cast." "When I smell this cast, I still feel like I can smell Timothy's farts." "It's for you, Timothy." "Thank you, guys, so much." "Meltdown!" "There's all kinds of spit-takes we can do." "Do-- do an angry one... angry spit-take." "Angry?" "All right." "Yup." "Uh, Jonah, I fucked your dog." "Agh!" "Kumail!" "Here, I'll do an orgasmic one." "Say something sexy to me." "Okay..." "I'm just a little boy." "I" " I told Emily, I was like, "I can't" ""I have to have like a full bit back here, 'cause I can't do this like natural hang."" "You've done it anyway." "This is the bit..." "it's acknowledging." "But the bit I proposed, was that I just am so butch... like my set's super here, and then I'm like-- hey-- backstage." "With no explanation." "Please welcome to the stage, John Early!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thanks, guys!" "Oh, wow." "Um, what if during sex, instead of saying "Yeah, oh yeah, fuck yeah, yes"... you said, "For sure"?" "You know, you're like, "For sure, for sure, for sure, for sure."" "Oh, for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure." "I wasted so much time in high school trying to like Radiohead... when I could have been learning how to use my butt for sex." "For sure." "And now here I am, I'm in my sexual prime." "Okay, I have no taste in music, it never took hold." "But I've shit on half of Brooklyn." "Yeah, poop is real." "Poop is real." "If I leave you guys with one thing tonight... it's that poop is real." "I'm just quickly imagining my merchandise "Poop is real."" "Israel?" "Um, no, no, no, cut that out, cut that out." "It's like if you're on a plane... with someone that doesn't know who you are... and they ask what you do, what do you say?" "Well, that's a good question, what do you say?" "I'm a writer." "You say writer?" "Yeah." "Is that what you do?" "Never say comedian." "Never." "Well, we know that!" "That's what I'm saying, I always want to know what comedians say, because" "I used to." "Every now and again, I'll say I'm a comedian." "And then, "Ah..." and then it's a huge mistake." "What do you say now?" "I'd say 95 percent of the time, I'll say "real estate"." "Because Liv said "real estate"." "Yeah... and what's the market like?" "You know it's always good, if you know what you're doing." "That's embarrassing." "Um, so, what I'm about to do for you guys, um..." "I want to be clear, this isn't my impression, okay, this is my character reel, okay?" "In terms of stealing focus, um" "So, um, yeah, it's not about that, okay?" "It's not about that." "It's about-- it's about respecting Britney, okay?" "It's about conjuring her." "It's about bringing her into the room." "Okay?" "I want to be clear." "I'm gonna sing a song, so here we go." "This is a song that Britney actually wrote herself." "And by herself, I mean, a team of Swedish pedophiles." "Give it up for Doug, honestly." "Thank you so much." "There you go." "Let's make sure he signs a release form." "Uh, here, switch the mics." "What was weird?" "[WOMAN] I just said "smooth"." "Smooth." "This won't be in the show." "Yeah, this is all getting taken out." "Don't worry about it." "You know what?" "Just to spite you, I don't think this is the right microphone." "Let's swap." "You okay?" "Sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I used to be a tour guide at Radio City Music Hall." "Really?" "So was Brody." "[BRODY] No, you know what?" "No way!" "We were" " I think we were like one of the only two... to make it out of that program." "Yeah." "Most common question?" "Oh!" "Do we get overtime?" "Oh, to-- to us." "Has anyone ever fallen?" "Has anyone ever fallen?" "Like" "Because there's these-- there are these hydraulic stages." "[BRODY] Like a Rockette?" "[BRODY] Stage in the back." "And every single tour, someone'd be like, "Did anyone ever fall down this thing?"" "It's like, "No."" "Please, everybody, welcome..." "[KUMAIL] Fred Armisen!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Wow, so nice." "I can do accurately, any accent from any city... any region in the whole world." "The United States, any state, any suburb of any city." "And that goes for all around the world." "I'm an expert at it." "Um, so, if everyone shouts at once, it might be difficult." "But maybe I'll have people line up here... and just tell me where you're from." "Tell me where you're from and I can do an accent, an accurate accent." "I guarantee it..." "from that place." "Calabasas, California." "Calabasas, California." "Uh, a lot of California" "The key to California is you've gotta pronounce all of the consonants and vowels." "Californians, they just rest on every-- every part of the word." "Now, in Los Angeles, it's a little here." "There's a little bit of Latino that goes on here." "But-- but that's Calabasas." "Okay, next person, anywhere around the world." "[WOMAN] North Carolina." "North Carolina, uh, North-- around-- do you mean Durham?" "Durham?" "It's really nice, it's one of my favorite accents." "It's a very-- it almost touches upon a southern accent... and then just bounces back again." "Just-- you gotta think North, North Carolina." "Where South Carolina has got more volume." "South is here, Myrtle Beach-- there's a bounce, it bounces." "But North's got kind of-- it kind of jumps up from there." "Yes." "Next." "[WOMAN #2] ... Texas." "Where?" "[WOMAN #2] Roundtop, Texas." "Roundtop, Texas... that's kind of-- it's almost like you know something." "You know?" "You know, there's a-- which I like, I like that." "[MAN] Honduras!" "Okay, Honduras." "Have you been to Honduras?" "It's the strangest-- It's almost like they're hiding." "( SPEAKING SPANISH )" "Ecuador... ( SPEAKING SPANISH )" "Honduras." "Ecuador." "You think that we're plan positive people back when they used to check for the wire." "They would go, "You got a wire, you piece of--?"" "No, you know I don't have a wire!" "What the fuck?" "That is so funny!" "There had to be one guy doing that." "You got a wire, you piece of shit?" "He's real paranoid." "Take off your shirt!" "Yeah." "That's a bit." "Take your pants off." "Check the back of the balls!" "I hate to say that's a bit, but that's a bit." "No, it is." "But... that's a bit!" "We'll be right back with That's a Bit... here on Comedy Central." "Every at bat." "Bad..." "I don't know." "It's gonna be so shaky." "I'm just gonna give 'em what I'm gonna give 'em... and we're gonna find out." "If they hate it, it's a hit." "If they love it, it's a hit." "We'll see." "I can't wait to find out." "I'm nervous." "As all of you know, we're not the only show that happens in this space." "This space actually has a lot of different events that happen." "And sometimes we get double-booked... and we just got double-booked for a press conference." "Yeah, so, like we'll do this press conference... and then we'll start the conversation back over." "Is that cool?" "Okay, all right." "Bring up" "All right, cool." "Please everybody welcome Officer Bob Glowacky." "Thank you very much, Sean and Kumil." "I was on-duty, off-duty outside of a Kendrick Le-mer concert... when I overheard in the background, two young Afro-American males... in a verbal argument, going at it about who owes who some more money." "I approached the two blacks-- men-- blacksmen." "I asked the gentlemen to calm down... and please, you know, relax, there's nothing worth fighting over." "As I gave chase, I removed my weapon... because I saw what I thought was a weapon in his hand." "It was a cell phone." "But I still shot, because I felt like my life was in danger... as he was running away from me." "And I dislodged somewhere between 7 to 56 bullets... into the crowd at random." "This bit is racially charged." "Are there any questions?" "Yes, right there, you." "How many shots would you say were fired on that afternoon?" "In total?" "Yes." "A round number?" "28 to 57." "Got it, thank you." "Thank you." "Yo!" "Yes, right here, sir?" "Uh, I got a question." "Nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?" "First of all, I don't appreciate being called the N-word." "Uh, and what's wrong with me?" "Do you have a question for me, sir?" "Yeah, I gotta-- how many bullets did you say that you fired at these unarmed black men?" "Anywhere between 4 and 6 bullets." "Oh, okay, well then, I got four or six problems." "Okay, what happens to be those problems, friend?" "Sir!" "What is that?" "Whoa!" "Hold on, security!" "What is that?" "What are you pulling out, sir?" "Is that a weapon?" "They're Skittles, man." "Y'all want some Skittles?" "Yeah!" "Sir, do not distribute weapons to the crowd." "Yeah, oh, here, man..." "Do not give weapons to the crowd, sir." "...here's some Skittles." "Get them Skittles, man." "Sir!" "You know what?" "What the fuck is you-- what the" "I can't breathe!" "Excuse me!" "Selma didn't get voted for a goddamn Oscar?" "Fuck you, man!" "Fuck you, man!" "We did it!" "All right!" "Give it up for Andrew Santino!" "Jamar Neighbors." "Thanks for tuning in to The Meltdown, everybody!" "We appreciate it." "Get home safe!" "[JONAH] Go home!" "Connor, go to bed!" "Go to bed, Connor!" "You know, I don't eat a lot of like carbs... but I've heard that some people will have one day a week that they'll eat carbs." "Oh, it's called a cheat day." "Oh, I have that, with my girlfriend." "Was that a set-up you guys had?" "I told that joke 12 times." "There was a woman"