"( MICROPHONE FEEDBACK )" "( MICROPHONE IS TAPPED )" "(Woman whispers) Turn it on." "MAN ON MICROPHONE:" "Hello, hello?" "Is this on?" "Oh." "One, two." "One, two." "( FEEDBACK ) Alright." "One, two." "OK." "Has everyone...?" "Yeah." "I think we should get started." "Let's face it, everyone loves a good story." "But with the kind of pressures we are under today... (Coughs)..we can't always find the time in our busy lives to read and finish entire novels." "But we do need stories in our lives." "And that, my friends, is the key to the success of our product." "Our condensed book editions make stories accessible to everyone." "Let's not forget, some of the biggest fans of our condensed books are the authors themselves." "The last time I was in the States," "I was invited along to a celebrity dinner and I found myself talking to Dick Francis." "WOMAN:" "Ooh." "(People chuckle approvingly)" "I said, "Dick, tell me the truth." ""What did you think of our condensed version of your last book?"" "Well, he looked at me for a long time." "And I must say that I was steeling myself for a pretty tough response." "He said, "Well, Bob, I'm very upset."" "I said, "Why, Dick?" "Why?"" "And he said, "You know, I actually thought" ""it was better than the original."" "(People laugh)" "WOMAN:" "That'd be right." "Now, that is a giant compliment..." "( mobile PHONE rings )" "..from a giant writer." "But seriously, folks, it's a fine product." "Please join me..." "Gary Kelp." "..applauding the 200th edition." "(People clap and murmur appreciatively)" "Are you supposed to do that?" "I don't know." "Can you touch them?" "He's our father, Gary." "They don't own him just because he's dead." "He's giving off cold air." "Close his eye." "You do it." "Poor old bastard." "He was so scared of dying, wasn't he?" "( PHONE BUZZES AND PLAYS CHlRPY MELODY )" "Hello." "Yeah." "I'm still at the morgue." "Yes, still." "Well, Simon, how long do you think you'd need to say goodbye to your father?" "No, no, no." "Don't apologise." "That's fine." "Why don't you give me 1 5 minutes?" "Oh, actually, make it 1 4." "How's that?" "(Hangs up)" "What?" "What?" "Hang on." "You're not trying to tell us that emptying his leg of bone marrow is standard post-mortem procedure?" "I didn't say that, Mrs Kelp." "No." "It's Ms. It's Ms Kelp." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Ms Kelp." "What I was saying is it's shocking, isn't it, to see our loved ones changed like this?" "You expected to see your father and say goodbye to him as he was, didn't you?" "As he was when he was alive." "But he isn't like you remembered him, is he?" "He's... different." "( THUMP!" ")" "Gary!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Gary!" "Put him back!" "(Woman screams) ( ALARM BELL rings )" "( ALARM BELL continues ringing )" "(Man yells) There he is!" "Go!" "Hey, where's he going?" "!" "Take me back." "So how much of his body have you actually harvested?" "I'm not the appropriate person to speak to about this." "But I can tell you that your mother has generously agreed and legally donated certain cells and tissues from your father's body so that the doctors can give life to other people." "WOMAN:" "Mum!" "Mum!" "( TV PLAYS SOFTLY )" "WOMAN ON TV:" "And as it's the first product of the hour," "I won't go into detail on that one straight away." "I will move on to our next preview for you." "And, Hilary..." "Since when have you had cable?" "(Sighs) I got it put on." "WOMAN ON TV:" "It comes with a block of sponges." "Lots of sponges, actually." "And in this one, we have got, colour-wise..." "Now, we've got, um..." "Gosh, Hils, it's hard to read from here." "MAN ON TV:" "It's the 'Chic Beige'." "WOMAN ON TV:" "Yes." "'Light Beige'. 'Matte Beige'." "And 'Nude Beige'." "And will you just differentiate between those for us?" "actually, when we come to it, we might do that as well." "We'II go through the colours later." "( DOOR OPE NS AN D CLOS ES )" "( KEYS J I NG LE )" "How are you feeling?" "Fucked." "He was your first one?" "Yep." "He was 28." "And he'd blown the top of his head off with a shotgun." "I'll never forget his face." "It was all squashed." "You need a skull to hold your face up." "Did you know that?" "No." "Mm. he was a heroin user, an alcoholic... ..and he smoked too much." "Jesus." "Mm." "His body was a fucking mess." "Do they refrigerate them or what?" "They keep them in alcohol." "So they're just floating in alcohol?" "Mm." "In big tubs." "I'm not leaving my body to science." "Why not?" "You don't need it when you're dead." "How do you know?" "What?" "How do you know you don't need your body when you're dead?" "(Chuckles) Trust me, Gary, you don't." "Once you're dead, that's it." "Zip." "You've got about three weeks before you're soup." "But who is 'you'?" "You're more than just your body, aren't you?" "You're more than just the sum total of your body parts." "(Sighs)" "You're stoned." "I'm going to bed." "( PENSlVE music )" "( TRUCK reversing signal BEEPS in time with music )" "WOMAN:" "This is really about changing your life." "I see something radical." "Raw vegetables." "Brown rice." "Miso." "Lentil dishes." "Nuts." "Seaweeds." "This is an in-your-face cookbook - something that will really challenge people's ideas about what they put into their bodies." "Yes." "Yes!" "Well, what does everybody think?" "Ray?" "It's a challenge." "(Clicks fingers)" "That's it." "We're throwing down a challenge." "We're saying, "Come on, buddy." "I dare you to live this," right?" "We could even do some light recipes for fasting." "I don't see what's so challenging about it." "People are so obsessed with their health." "Publishing a new diet's like waving a bone in front of a dog." "People should be concerned about their health, Gary." "Yeah, well, maybe they should, but 90% of our nonfiction books relate to health." "90%." "Doesn't that seem a bit, I don't know... ..unhealthy?" "Most of our customers are pretty old." "You know, there's a little homily that appeals to our customers " ""lf you haven't got your health, what have you got?"" "Well, don't you think we underestimate them?" "I mean, 1 % of the earth's population is living off 99% of its resources." "The oceans are all dying." "The air's becoming unbreathable." "Pretty soon we'll be the only species left on the planet - outside of a zoo, that is - and here we are, neurotically obsessed with the amount of fibre in our diets." "I think the extinction rate is about one species every three minutes." "I heard that cockroaches are going to outlive us." "Hey...why don't we do a dying planet series?" "Start off with the effects of Third World debt..." "No-one's interested in the effects of Third World debt." "A dying planet series?" "OK." "OK." "What do you think, Ray?" "It'd go down like a sack of shit." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I think you're probably right, Ray." "I think it would go down like... ..well, like you say." "Gary, at this stage," "I think you should just be focusing your energies on 'The Illustrated Family Doctor'." "I can't do this anymore, Ray." "I can't even bring myself to look at it." "What is that?" "Elephantiasis." "Nice tits." "Fuck off, Ray." "It's only nature." "There's nothing natural about that." "Of course there is." "It's life, isn't it?" "GARY:" "It's death." "RAY:" "It's a fact of life." "It's disgusting." "It's pornographic." "'The lllustrated Family Doctor'..." "It's not fit for normal people, let alone families." "GARY:" "Ah, what's so fucking fantastic about health books, anyway?" "They sell." "So does crack." "Stick to the facts, son." "Straight information." "Cut and paste." "( OMlNOUS music )" "How can you be so confident about what to keep in a novel and what to chuck out?" "It's easy." "You just get a feel for the boring bits and you take them out." "Subplots come out, either way." "Even if they're not boring?" "It's a sad thing, but such is life." "Same with minor characters." "You've got to have minor characters, haven't you?" "Only if they stick to the plot." "But what if you're just a nice bit of elegant prose describing the moodiness of the sea or some shit?" ""Look out, here comes Ray."" "Click!" "And you're out on your arse." "Nothin' wrong with a bit of atmosphere." "GARY:" "What about irrelevant details?" "What about them?" "Why did you save that?" "Got to come out." "It's not moving the plot along." "But why did you save it?" "Because I wanted to keep it." "Why, though?" "I liked it." "What are you gonna do with it?" "Absolutely nothing." "What's this?" "It's a story." "A story full of minor characters like you doing a whole lot of irrelevant shit." "So you're writing a novel?" "I'm not writing it, just saving it." "(Gary grunts)" "(Moans softly) Hang on." "They're checking out your arse?" "How can you see them?" "OK." "So they're checking out my tits." "But if they're just looking at your tits, that doesn't mean they're gonna rape you." "Everybody checks out tits." "That's what tits are for." "(Sighs) Can't we just do it?" "How many of them are there?" "Four." "Four!" "What are they all doing?" "One of them puts his hand up my dress from behind while I'm trying to put the keys in the car door." "(Giggles) Just like that?" "I don't have any knickers on." "Well, they were probably checking out your arse." "I suppose you were bending over in front of them." "That's a different fantasy." "Mmm!" "OK, so then what happens?" "I can't believe all this is going on while I'm fucking you." "So then, a couple of guys pull me away from the front door while two others open it, and they push me onto the back seat." "And there's a guy in front and he's holding my arms." "And there's another guy in the back and he's... holding my legs apart and he's pushing them wider and wider apart until it's hurting my thigh." "Then why don't you scream?" "There's a hand over my mouth." "There's other hands and they're all over my tits." "(Sighs sharply)" "(Grunts wearily)" "(Sighs)" "What's so erotic about this?" "It sounds fucking awful." "It is." "Why does it make you come, then?" "I don't know." "Biology?" "Look at this." "What is it?" "I don't know, Gary." "It's probably just sunburn." "No, this is not sunburn." "Or a rash." "No, look at it." "Is it an infection?" "Looks like typhoid." "(Scoffs)" "I think you'd have pretty serious abdominal pain if it was typhoid, Gary." "Can't you tell me what it is?" "Look, I'm a nurse!" "I'm not a fucking dermatologist." "( ANNOUNCER TALKS ON radio )" "( OMlNOUS music )" "MAN:" "Hey, Gary." "Gary." "Come here." "Big fella." "Take a look, son." "Have a look at this." "Come on." "Have a look." "Have a good look." "WOMAN:" "Excuse me." "Hello." "I'm looking for Ray Gill's office." "Do you know where he is?" "I've been here before, but I get so lost in this place." "Ah." "(Knocks at door) Ray, there's someone here to see you." "Righto." "Thanks, Gary." "Thanks, Gary." "And close the door." "How's 'The lFD' shaping up, Gary?" "Oh, hi, Bob." "Sorry?" "Oh, 'The lFD'." "Oh, well... ..you're gonna have to talk to Ray about that." "He's working on it now." "Didn't he tell you?" "I thought we agreed" "'The lllustrated Family Doctor' would be your responsibility." "Well... .. I've got 'The Illustrated Book of Facts' to work on still, as well as 'The Practical Guide to Comedy'." "That was a hell of a lot of research, actually." "I never realised there were so many ways to tell a joke." "But I just spoke to Ray." "Didn't he say he was working on it?" "He said nothing about it." "Oh, no, no." "No, Ray and I have talked about this." "He's a big fan of the health books and he wanted to take it over." "I couldn't say no." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well, OK, I'll, um... ..I'll talk to Ray about it." "( unsettling music )" "( MAN sings ROCK SONG in distance )" "(Sings energetically)" "(Shrieks conclusion to song)" "Carl Lucas?" "What are you doing here?" "Gary?" "(Laughs)" "I always wondered what sort of person condenses books." "It's Gary Kelp." "Actually, someone else does that." "I just rip off ideas from popular reference books, give them a new title and a different format." "(Laughs)" "(Sniffs)" "You don't give a fuck, do you?" "You look like you've got bubonic plague." "No, I don't." "Bubonic plague is characterised by the inflamed swellings of the glands." "I'm just overworked and I've got some problem with my skin." "So what have you been doing?" "I've got a nice little caravan up north." "I've been growing a bit of weed and..." "I'm working on a novel." "A novel?" "What's it about?" "You never discuss what it's about." "If you're gonna tell people what it's about, you might as well not fucking write about it." "Fair enough." "Let me tell you a little something about writing, Gary." "Writing is just like Tantric sex." "Hmm?" "You withhold and withhold, let it build up and build up... ..until you've got a load so unbearable you've got no choice - you've got no choice but to shoot it down the throat of the entire world." "You don't dissipate it by telling everyone." "You know, that's just like jacking off." "(With mouth full) Mmm." "Every stranger's face, every spider web we saw as kids, every...thing you've ever experienced is recorded in the brain, but memory has no specific location in the brain." "In fact, neither does sight." "Well, how do they know memory and sight don't have specific locations?" "Well, that is a very interesting question." "They've removed parts of people's brains." "They don't lose specific memories." "They just lose a general memory strength." "Memory strength?" "Mm." "Likewise with sight." "This Bavarian guy found out..." "Which Bavarian guy?" "Doctor, er... (Tentatively).." "Krapski?" "Gustav Krapski?" "Yeah." "He found out that, like, cats only need 2% of their optical fibres to perform some pretty complex visual tasks." "Like what?" "Finding the couch?" "(Chuckles)" "He did some interesting tests on monkeys too." "Apparently - and..." "this isn't very well-known - he taught monkeys to do particular puzzles, then cut bits of the monkeys' brains out to see if he could eradicate the memories." "Poor old monkeys." "Well, the monkeys still did the puzzles, no matter which part of the brain they took out." "Sometimes, their motor skills were a bit, you know, wonky, but they still knew how to do those puzzles." "Then, Krapski took one of the monkeys' brains out, switched it around, put it in back to front." "What sort of name is Krapski?" "It's not Bavarian." "It's not even German." "Go on." "Well, they could still do the puzzles." "But that...that doesn't prove a thing." "That's what Krapski thought." "So he took the monkey's brain out again, and this time, he cut it into four quarters, replaced them in a different order." "Bullshit." "What happened?" "Well, a bit groggy..." "Aw, monkey." "The next time, Krapski, he takes the brain out, and slices it up like a loaf of bread." "Monkey, darling!" "Shuffles it around like a pack of cards, puts it back." "Did it work?" "Does the puzzles again, correctly." "That's one clever little monkey." "Finally, he put it through a blender." "Get fucked." "Could he still do the puzzles?" "Well, he was a bit groggy... (Laughs)" "(Both laugh)" "It's not funny." "(Both laugh hysterically)" "Change." "Change is a fact of life." "Coping with change is something we all need to learn to do." "There are a number of stages we all go through when dealing with change." "The first stage is confusion, like our friend here." "We don't understand why we have to change." "We get all upset and confused, and we say," ""l don't like these changes."" "(Stamps foot) "l don't want to change."" "Then, we get angry, don't we?" "Like Mr Grumpy here." "And we say, "No, no, no." "I want everything to be the same."" "Then, of course, after we've had our little tantrum, we get all apathetic, don't we?" "Like Mr Sleepy here." "And we say," ""Oh, I just don't care anymore." ""l can't be bothered." "It's all too hard."" "RAY:" "He was a Polish butcher with an artificial hand." "(Thick Polish accent) "Away, away." "You do like this." ""All this." "Never this." "You want to be this?" ""ls that what you want?" "You want to be this?"" "I used to be shit-scared of him." "So what do I do?" "Whack!" "(Polish accent) Fucking this." "I saw two of my fingers drop into the sawdust before I felt a thing." "Picked them up, wrapped them in my apron, put it all in my coat pocket." "I called out," ""Hey, Roman, I've just got to go up to the post office."" "I walked out." "What did you do?" "Went to the fucking casualty." "No, I mean after that." "Bought a car and headed north." "Did you keep your fingers in a jar?" "I kept my tonsils in a jar for years." "Keep them?" "Sure." "I taught them to play the fucking piano." "(Laughs softly) So what did you do up north?" "Drove around." "That's how I met the ex-wife." "Came round a bend one day, and there she was, walking along the side of the road, stark naked." "I pulled over and said, "Want a lift?"" "She got in and that was it." "Bullshit." "She was off her head on something." "Didn't know where she was." "Was bleeding from her lips, bruised all over." "I covered her with an old coat and said, "What happened to you?"" "She didn't say a word for three weeks." "Only found out years later." "Truckies raped her." "Oh, shit." "Yeah." "We spent the next seven years living in a tent," "like Adam and Eve, in some fucking paradise." "So why did you move back to the city?" "We're watching this friend of ours eating tree bark one day." "I said, "Mate, what are you eating fucking tree bark for?"" "He says, "Try it, Ray." "It's better than magic mushrooms."" "The wife and I sat there and watched him." "He ate the whole fucking tree and went into a coma." "Then the wife just looked at me, and said," ""You want to go and live in Sydney?"" "I said, "Sure." "Let's go."" "So who was that woman the other day?" "Your girlfriend?" "My daughter." "Your daughter?" "That was your daughter?" "She seemed a bit upset." "Yeah." "She's having a rough time of it." "Always has." "Still, what can you do?" "I'm just her father." "She's quite attractive, isn't she?" "She doesn't look like you at all." "Yeah." "Looks just like her mother." "( UNSETTLED conversation )" "WOMAN:" "They've only been here for five minutes." "Shit." "What the hell's this supposed to be?" "What's going on?" "They've only gone and given us all the sack." "Who?" "Who?" "All of us." "All of us." "( wind HOWLS )" "How can they axe a whole department?" "It's called outsourcing." "They give the work to a cowboy outfit with a tin shed and a payroll full of migrants." "Do you think they'll outsource us?" "Well, there's plenty of freelance editors out there." "You don't have to pay them for days off or superannuation." "We should do something." "You should do something." "Like what?" "I don't know, Gary." "Whatever it is you need to do." "You might have poked yourself in the eye." "I think I'd have noticed that." "Or it could be a common sty." "Sorry, Gary." "I'm a surgeon, not an ophthalmologist." "What is science?" "Uh... science." "What do you mean?" "Well, what is it?" "Come on, tell me." "What is science?" "How would you define it?" "Experimentation." "No, that's the methodology." "Practically speaking, science is ocular observation." "Gary." "Come on." "We were gonna get away an hour ago." "Cheers." "I didn't know you were ready." "Right." "I only told you twice I was ready." "Thrice." "(Scoffs)" "Let's go." "God, I hate seeing my father and you talking like that." "All that 'Boy's Own' intellectual drivel." "You don't even know what we were talking about." "Ha!" "I know the genre." "The genre?" "Yes, genre." "God I hate it when you're pissed." "You're not getting in the car with that, either - not while I'm driving." "He's very didactic, isn't he?" "(Sighs) Oh, for God's sake, don't go treating him like a fucking guru." "That's what he wants." "I'm not." "I saw you looking into his eyes, practically licking his balls." "Oh, settle down." "Maybe you should be sleeping with him instead of me." "You're not actually jealous of me and your father?" "Shut up." "I can't go on like this, Gary." "I think I've just had enough." "Enough of what?" "Look at you." "You never look at yourself." "You know why?" "OK." "Why?" "Why do I never look at myself?" "Tell me fucking why." "Because if you looked at yourself, you'd see there's something missing." "Like what?" "You don't put out." "Put out what?" "Anything." "You don't have feelings for anyone or anything." "Yeah." "That's your real reason why I don't look at myself." "A lot of people think so, Gary." "You're missing the whole fucking point!" "Well, who are they?" "(Sighs)" "(Voice breaks) See?" "It's a waste of time." "No." "You say "a lot of people"." "Well, who are these people?" "Tell me one person - just one." "Right." "Nobody." "OK." "Your friend Carl." "Carl Lucas?" "Well, you wanted to know." "Said that?" "No!" "Not word for word." "Anyway, Gary, this isn't about you." "It's about me!" "( MODEM SQUEALS )" "Hi, Gary." "Oh, hi, Bob." "Can we talk?" "Yeah, Gary, caught up with Ray this morning." "We've been discussing progress on 'The Illustrated Family Doctor'." "You were right" " Ray is keen to work on it, very keen." "Really?" "Yeah, well, he's very interested in all health-related issues, and I must say, he's amazingly well-informed." "But, look, after some discussion, and considering the amount of work he has on his plate, we agreed it shouldn't be his responsibility at the moment." "It should remain your responsibility." "Ray's got a number of fiction projects to work on which we also want to have ready for Christmas release." "Well... couldn't I work on them?" "I know a bit about fiction." "Gary, I'll be blunt." "Yours is not a senior position here." "Your job is to do what you're told as efficiently and as quickly as possible." "We in agreement here?" "Sure." "Good." "So, when will it be ready for proofing?" "What?" "When will the 'Family Doctor' be ready for proofing?" "Listen, Bob," "I just can't wade through all that medical stuff." "Now, I open it up and my stomach churns and my brain just shuts down." "You know, I just... (Sighs)" ".. I just can't do it." "What the hell is your problem, Gary?" "Well, I don't know whether you heard, but, well, my father died recently..." "Oh." "And..." "I'm very sorry to hear that." "Well, you know, it's just one of those things." "Yeah, no, I understand." "I understand." "You're starting to make me look like a real cunt, Ray." "That's not hard." "What are you doing?" "Three books a week, now?" "Three or four - who's counting?" "Bob Boundary and the fucking productivity police are counting." "Who isn't counting?" "What else am I gonna do, sitting around here all day?" "Yeah, well, can't you find something less productive to do?" "You know, you're really losing the plot, Ray." "Lucky you're not in a novel." "You'd be out on your arse." "Well, I'd be in good company, then, wouldn't I?" "I don't know." "Do you ever look around you and go... .."Shit, this is my life."" "No." "Not anymore." "Have you finished the 'Family Doctor'?" "No." "It's straight facts - cut and paste." "(Gasps)" "(Grunts)" "( toilet FLUSHES )" "(Sighs)" "That looks nasty." "You want to get some drops for that eye." "Osram-58 drops from the chemist." "They come in a little bottle about so big, cost you eight bucks." "Osram-58." "The only thing that'll clear up an infection like that." "Yeah?" "Osram-58." "Yeah." "Jen?" "Jen?" "Hey, Jennifer?" "( PHONE rings )" "(Grunts) Jennifer, hi." "Gary, it's me, Carol." "Listen, Mum's not coping." "(Groans) Coping with what?" "What do you think, you idiot?" "She's been phoning the hospital." "What hospital?" "The hospital Dad was in." "(Sighs) Why?" "I don't know." "I think it's some guilt thing about giving away his organs." "Well, what can I do?" "I don't know." "Go and see her!" "Jen's moved out." "Carol?" "Five seconds, Simon!" "(Sighs) Well, what happened?" "I don't know." "( DOOR SENSOR BEEPS )" "Did you bring your list?" "Oh, God!" "I've forgotten the list!" "Oh, well, don't panic." "We can improvise." "No, that...that's butter, Mum." "You don't need butter, do you?" "Is that butter?" "Yeah, look." "It's got a cow on the tub, and it says 'butter'." "What's it doing in a plastic tub?" "Not much." "Margarine comes in plastic tubs." "Butter always comes in greaseproof paper." "I don't know, Mum." "Well, why do they keep changing things?" "Can I help you?" "Uh... can I have a scotch, please?" "Just a shot with no ice." "Make it a double...with no ice." "Did I just say that?" "No ice?" "And a beer too." "MAN:" "Do you care?" "Have you ever cared?" "Are you actually listening to me?" "(Man continues shouting)" "Do you know the meaning of the word?" "Are you fucking deaf?" "Who are you looking at?" "You a student?" "Yeah, mate." "I'm studying arseholes." "WOMAN:" "What are you looking at?" "What are you looking at?" "You were looking at me." "Oh, I did..." "I didn't mean anything by it." "It's OK." "You don't have to feel bad about it." "Hey!" "I don't mean to interrupt, but is this a public bar or a public library?" "I would like to buy a drink for this man because he was looking at me." "You don't have to buy me a drink." "Well, I know that, but do you want me to?" "Same all round, eh?" "So, what do you see?" "When?" "When you look at me, what do you see?" "It depends." "On what?" "Whether your boyfriend's in the way." "Him?" "Boofhead's not my boyfriend." "It looked like you were having a bit of a domestic over there." "Yeah." "His whole life's a fucking domestic." "I'm sick of him." "I think I finally hate him, although it's hard to tell." "I've never hated anyone before." "What's he done to you?" "He's made me hate." "Isn't that enough?" "You don't remember me, do you?" "Should I?" "I work with your father, Ray." "I met you when you came to see him at the office." "Is your sight bad?" "Oh, shit." "You're that guy." "(Laughs) A girl can't go anywhere without being seen, can she?" "You really should get some glasses." "Then, you could see who's seeing you before you see them." "Oh, fuck - be... before they see you." "(Laughs)" "So, do you condense books too?" "It's a day job." "What do you do at night?" "Oh." "This and that." ""This and that." Sounds exhausting." "Well, actually, I write." "Ah." "What do you write?" "Poetry?" "Screenplays?" "Pornography?" "Oh, you know." "Stories." "About what?" "Oh, you don't talk about that - what you're gonna write about." "It dissipates your creative energies." "Like jacking off." "Mum wanted to go back to her family, to her place." "She was sick of the city and she was sick of watching Dad waste his talent." "What talent?" "Telling stories." "So Ray does write." "Yeah." "He used to." "Mum says condensing books leached away his imagination." "He stopped thinking for himself." "I don't want to go home tonight." "Either do I." "Hey, I'm gonna go and score some pot, OK?" "Will you wait for me, please?" "Yeah, sure." "Of course I will." "OK." "I just..." "I just need a little smoke." "Mm-hm." "I'll be here." "But you can't tell Dad." "I won't." "You promise?" "I promise." "I don't even know your name." "Christine." "(Whispers) Christine." "( CAR HORN BEEPS )" "( CAR HORNS BEEP )" "Hey." "Mate, don't sleep here." "What?" "Go home." "You're not waiting for her, are you?" "I'm finishing my drink." "She's not coming back." "She does it all the time." "I'm just finishing my drink." "Did you get it?" "What?" ""What?"" "The Osram-58." "Uh, no." "What?" "I got Eyetex." "I can't believe this." "What?" "Did I say to get fuckin' Eyetex?" "No." "But the chemist..." "The chemist fuckin' said?" "Of course the chemist fuckin' said." "Eyetex is expensive and you bought it." "Well...yeah." "It's a strong antibiotic, and it's got a codeine-based painkiller." "Fuckin' unbelievable." "I tried to help and you wasted my time." "Well, Osram-58 is basically just salty water." "Bullshit!" "Who told you that?" "Do you know where they make Osram-58?" "No, I don't." "Fuckin' Switzerland." "Oh, I didn't know that." "Gee." "Why would we import salty fuckin' water from Switzerland?" "Who is that guy?" "What guy?" "That guy who just came out of your office." "Didn't see him." "Bullshit." "He just walked out of your office." "The nasty bastard with the spit." "Oh, that guy." "Who is he?" "Don't you read the papers?" "That's Snapper Thompson." "Who's Snapper Thompson?" "He's a fuckin' colourful identity." "What's he doing here?" "Bob sent him down here to borrow a disk." "So what's he doing with Bob?" "Oh, I don't fuckin' know!" "No, you wouldn't know if your arse was on fire." "What did you say?" "!" "Nothing." "Why don't you just concentrate on the things you can change?" "Is that what you do, Ray?" "Yeah." "I'm a role model." "In reverse!" "Now piss off!" "(Groans)" "Hello." "How can we help you today?" "Please." "WOMAN:" "We're constantly exposed to bodily fluids." "MAN:" "Mmm, gallons of it." "WOMAN:" "Mm." "And we need to protect ourselves against infection." "(Both laugh)" "MAN:" "Oh, surgical gloves are essential." "WOMAN:" "Oh, incontinence pads for our sponge-downs." "We nurses can get very, very wet during sponge-down." "Mmm." "Dental dams?" "(Jennifer laughs) Of course!" "We mustn't neglect our oral hygiene!" "(Both laugh)" "Gary?" "Gary Kelp?" "What happened?" "Fell off his chair." "Jesus, Gary, are you alright?" "Did I spill my drink?" "Here." "Help me get him up." "Come on." "What are you drinking?" "Oh!" "Oh, my back's fucked." "You sure you want another drink?" "I don't want one." "I need one." "It's your body." "Excuse me." "Two extremely large glasses of scotch, please." "So... ..what happened last night?" "You don't want to know." "Yes, I do." "No, you don't." "What happened?" "Nothing." "Don't bullshit." "You really want to know what happened?" "You want to see what happened?" "Oh, shit." "What happened?" "Cockhead." "I thought he wasn't your boyfriend." "He's not." "He's my husband." "So where's your computer?" "What computer?" "The computer you write on." "Ah." "I don't write on a computer." "So what do you write on?" "Stone tablets?" "Pen and paper." "You're never gonna get published like that." "Don't you want to see your own work condensed one day?" "I've never really thought about it." "I bet you're really talented." "I like you." "( TRUCK ROARS, HORN BLARES )" "( FLOORBOARDS CREAK )" "Thanks." "It's a beautiful day." "You going to work?" "No, I'm gonna spend the day with you." "What would you like to do?" "I've got things to do." "OK." "Well, let's meet for lunch." "We could make it dinner." "Do you want to?" "christine:" "I can't." "Tell me you're not going back to your husband." "GARY:" "Answer me." "Can I use your toothbrush?" "OK, listen to me." "You don't have to see him." "I can go and get your things." "If I have to, I'll call the cops, alright?" "We'll do this properly." "I'll ask Ray for help." "Don't you fucking dare!" "You promised!" "You don't write stories at all, do you?" "It's like Central bloody Station watching you go back and forth." "Every time I sit down to work I need to go again." "Well, don't sit down." "Fuck off, Ray." "It's really bad." "It's the worst pain I ever had." "Go home!" "( CLATTERlNG )" "Excuse me." "How did you get in?" "Psshh!" "(Laughs)" "Oh, fucking great." "What do you want?" "Ah!" "What do I want?" "What do I want?" "You ask me what I want?" "What are you doing here?" "Whoa." "Slow down." "I want to tell you what I want." "Right?" "Go on." "Justice." "That's what I want." "I want to live in a world where there's some fucking justice." "Get your hand off me!" "Do you understand the meaning of the word 'justice'?" "Of course I do." "No, you don't." "You don't know what it means." "You have no idea what it's like to have people do some injustices on you." "Oh!" "Ooh." "That hurt." "Well, what did you expect?" "It's a wok!" "Now I got a fuckin' headache." "Get out of here or I'll..." "I'll do it again." "Oh!" "Fuckin'...!" "Ow!" "Fuck!" "Did you fuck her?" "What if I did?" "You did, didn't you?" "You fucked my wife." "( THUD!" ")" "Gary!" "How about a knock?" "What on earth happened to your nose?" "I had an accident." "Well, come in and close the door." "I want you to knock on my door in future." "Now, what's your problem?" "I wanted to talk to Ray about something." "Sit down." "Gary, I'm aware that you seek Ray's instruction on certain matters relating to your work." "But for the time being," "Ray's going to be working very closely with Mr Thompson here, and l-I'd like you to seek guidance elsewhere." "If you have any real problems, you can come to me." "Have you been introduced to Mr Thompson?" "Who snotted you?" "I walked into a door." "Gary's one of our..." "general book staff members." "He's working on our home medical advisor," "'The lllustrated Family Doctor'." "But you're not a medical man, are you?" "No, not really." "Well, what are you then?" "Um..." "I don't know." "He doesn't know." "(Laughs)" "OK, well... ..never mind, Gary." "As you can probably appreciate, we've got things to get on with." "I'll come around soon and see how 'The Doctor's shaping up." "Could I ask what Ray and Mr Thompson will be working on?" "Well, this is something I don't want to leave this room if you understand." "Mr Thompson and Ray will be working on a very exciting project." "A true crime series." "It's going to be a big winner and we're pretty excited about it, aren't we, Ray?" "SNAPPER THOMPSON:" "It's amazing, isn't it?" "How many facial injuries are caused by domestic doors." "Now, me, I'm a simple man." "And to me, a door is a pretty straightforward fuckin' thing." "If it's closed and you want to go through, you open it, don't you?" "Not much room for confusion there." "But where it can get just a little bit confusing is the protocol required." "Shall I demonstrate something here?" "Door open, door closed." "Door closed." "What do we do?" "Knock, knock, knock." "Hello?" "With this simple fuckin' courtesy, we enable the occupant behind the door to exercise his right to privacy." "Do you understand me?" "Maybe you should put a warning about doors in that fuckin' medical advisor of yours - what's it called?" "What?" "What's the name of your fuckin' medicine book?" "!" "'The lllustrated..." "Family Doctor'." "Yeah, well, you're gonna put a warning in it about fuckin' doors so people like yourself understand the necessary protocols involved, and cunts like you don't go causing yourself a fuckin' injury!" "(Whispers) Fuck off." "( silence )" "MAN:" "Hello." "Gary Kelp's come to." "I'm Phil." "This here's Kerry." "And the old bloke over there's Guilermo." "Kelp." "That's a funny name." "(Groans)" "Doesn't say much, does he?" "Kelp's a kind of sea animal, isn't it?" "'" "No, that's krill." "Yeah, no, krill's a microscopic crustacean." "And kelp, that's a seaweed." "(Chuckles) Hear that?" "You're a seaweed." "phil:" "No, it's alright." "We're not being rude." "It's just the way we carry on here." "You'll get used to us." "Your kidneys aren't functioning at all." "Not at all." "So it's this machine that's keeping you alive." "Now, since you've got no compatible family, you'll have to go on a waiting list for a cadaveric organ." "Cadaveric?" "Someone who doesn't need their organs anymore." "Now, Gary, it can take weeks, months, or even years to get a compatible organ." "It's really the luck of the draw." "Hey!" "Lighten up there, tiger!" "Things could be a hell of a lot worse." "Your blood group and tissue type are the most common." "I see body parts compatible with yours walk into this place every day of the week." "Chances of one of them dropping off the perch are pretty good." "Especially in here." "Well, I hope you're pleased with yourself." "What?" "You've done a great job looking after your family, haven't you?" "You can't even look after yourself!" "What am I supposed to do now?" "It's not his fault, Carol." "Oh, shut up, Mum." "Going back to nature?" "Ray!" "Sit down!" "What are you doing here?" "Brought you a 'get well' card." "So how are you feeling?" "You look a bit better." "Yeah, I'm OK." "Kidneys, eh?" "Renal failure." "Should have guessed." "You had all the symptoms." "Urinary infection, paleness, lethargy, itchy rash, bad breath..." "Thanks, Ray. (Chuckles)" "Don't thank me." "Thank 'The Illustrated Family Doctor'." "Aren't you gonna open your card?" "You finished it?" "Call it an act of mercy." "Bullshit, Ray." "Bob told me how keen you were to work on it." "I thought confronting a few facts would do you good." "I didn't think you'd take it so seriously." "How's the true crime series going?" "There's plenty of crime." "The truth's a bit hard to pin down." "Snapper Thompson would have a few colourful stories, wouldn't he?" "Colourful?" "His mind's the darkest place I've ever been." "No wonder he can't sleep at night." "He calls me at 3:30 the other morning." "I said, "What the fuck do you want?"" "He says, "Raymond, I've just remembered" ""the name of that dead cunt who ripped me off in 1 972."" "I said, "Good." "Tell me tomorrow."" "I hung up on the prick." "Shit." "Yeah." "He's making my life a living hell." "Ray, there's something I wanna tell you." "About that door you walked into?" "Yeah." "Christine told me." "Is she OK?" "Yeah." "She will be." "Time for a change, I think." "You get better." "Thanks, Ray!" "KERRY:" "What is a corpse anyway?" "What?" "'Corpse'." "You know." "What's this, a philosophical question?" "Well, think about it." "Alright." "I will." "No, seriously." "Right - you can have a headless corpse, can't you?" "Yeah." "But you can't have a corpseless head." "A corpseless head is just a head." "That's what I'm saying." "Now, you can have a limbless corpse." "You can." "But a corpse isn't just a torso." "The torso is the torso." "No." "A corpse is a corpse." "But there's no such thing as a torsoless corpse." "That's just arms and heads and stuff." "Help us, Gary Kelp." "Tell us." "When is a corpse a corpse?" "You got two arms, a head and two legs, right?" "Have you got a corpse?" "I don't know." "Why?" "They found one in the harbour." "Another one?" "What sort?" "Headless sort." "Gangland murders." "Turning up all the time." "Or parts of them." "Never corpses, though." "Fucking shark food." "(Laughs) Hey?" "Fucking shark food!" "(Laughs)" "Hey." "Hey." "How are you feeling?" "Much better, thanks." "How are the kidneys?" "Oh, I go on the machine every couple of days." "Could be worse." "Good to see a positive attitude." "I've always valued that in you." "'The lllustrated Family Doctor'." "It's finished." "Good work, Gary." "This is...very good." "You know, management and I have been discussing your abilities and we feel..." "..we feel you should take on the task of condensing our fiction." "Really?" "Yeah." "We know how keen you were to get a start on the stories and... ..we feel you'd do a fine job." "Thanks, Bob." "You can move your things in there to Ray's old office and we'll talk about your first project, OK?" "What's happened to Ray?" "Oh, no." "You wouldn't have heard." "Ray hasn't been in to work for some time now and...we haven't been able to contact him." "He's disappeared." "We've had the police around here doing investigations, searching Ray's office, his residential address, the whole bit." "To tell you the truth, we fear the worst." "I'm feeling... ..very, very upset about this right now." "In a sense, I have to... ..share some of the responsibility." "The material that Mr Thompson gave us was entirely inappropriate for our publications." "I can see that now." "I took immediate steps to terminate our contract." "But Ray should never have taken it upon himself to go to the police with Mr Thompson's more... sensitive information." "That was completely beyond Ray's sphere of responsibility." "But it now seems Mr Thompson didn't take too kindly to what he must have felt was a betrayal of his trust." "It's been a sobering lesson for us all." "Ray was a fine member of our team." "He... ..served the company well and I know..." "..he'll be remembered fondly." "Wasn't that hard, was it?" "Straight information, Bob." "Cut and paste." "OK, there's this nurse running down the corridor with a chart in her hand and she's yelling out, "Doctor, you forgot to sign this!"" "Oh, I've heard this one." "Doctor takes the chart off the nurse and reaches up into his pocket but instead of pulling out a pen, he pulls out a rectal thermometer." "Looks at the nurse and says..." "( mobile PHONE rings )" ".."Some arsehole's walking around here with my favourite pen."" "It's just a bum joke." "Bullshit." "It's fucking Shakespeare." "David Cherry." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Gary!" "I see." "I see." "Right!" "Right." "OK!" "Well, what do you want first, the good news or the bad news?" "Oh, shit." "The bad news is we haven't got time for another drink." "The good news is that there's a kidney available that matches your tissue type and blood group." "( BEEPlNG )" "( hospital machinery BEEPS )" "(Mouths silently)" "GARY:" "Ray." "Ray used to be a butcher till he chopped off two fingers with a boning knife and ended up condensing fiction at the Info Digest." "Ray read copious amounts of text, novels as thick as house bricks - war stories, romance, pulp horror and period classics." "Ray didn't care." "Ray's fingers guided his mouse over everything he thought was bullshit and just deleted it." "Bits that caught his attention, for whatever reason, bits that glinted in the light or shone through the water like mother-of-pearl," "Ray would cut out and savour." "He'd turn them over like precious objects, reading and re-reading them with a satisfied, animal smile." "One night, when he was working late, his daughter Christine turned up at the door of his office unannounced." "Ray shut his eyes to a Iot of things, but he wasn't blind." "He could see she was sinking deeper and deeper into a place with no light." "He asked her what happened and the secret she had been keeping from him poured out of her in a warm, bloody rush." "Ray grabbed onto her and held on." "He felt like a man attempting to revive life, trying to bring it back from another realm." "He knew he had to get them both up for air, swim them to the surface, up toward the light." "Ray put Christine in the passenger seat of his car and pointed it north." "He drove through the night, the bonnet devouring the white lines of the highway." "Christine didn't stir until the heat of the morning sun filled the car." "She sat for a Iong time in silence, gathering up the pieces of recollection available to her." "The highway unfolded and unfolded." "Eventually, she looked over and asked her father," "'Where are we going?"" "Ray looked at her for a moment and said," ""Back to bloody nature. "" "( KNOCK AT DOOR )" "Work hard, relax hard." "That's what I always tell the wife." "Hi, Bob." "How are you feeling?" "Good." "Strange, but good." "Congratulations." "Thanks." "Not everyone gets the gift of life." "I know." "We might even do an article about it in our newsletter." "'My Life Is a Miracle'." "Sounds like a winner." "Great. (Clicks tongue)" "See you at the general books meeting at 5:00?" "You!" "Gary?" "Gary!" "Where the hell are you going?" "MAN ON TV:" "This puts them at particular risk from illegal poaching." "The hunters prefer the mature males with the largest tusks." "And this can quickly affect a population 's ability to reproduce." "Another major threat is the bush meat trade." "This is when elephants are killed for their meat." "In Gabon, in central Africa, for example, elephant trunk is an expensive delicacy." "In the Central African Republic, poached elephant carcasses have been found with the flesh removed but the tusks still intact, showing that in some areas at Ieast, the meat is worth more as a source of fast cash than the ivory." "Whilst tourists who come to see elephants on wildlife safaris can be a major source of income for local communities..." "MAN ON TV:.. crowding, inbreeding and mass fear during drought." "A large percentage of the world's elephants must compete for food and water..." "Here you go." "They are also reduced to raiding fields and risk being tortured and killed by angry farmers and villagers." "Do you want a cup of tea?"