"sync:" "FRM@Linda" "Hey, I'm going to the gym." "?" "Here, this'll make you sweat." "Larry, I can't do this every day." "This morning I thought I pulled a muscle, but then I realized it was my liver." "Henry, this is not just a drink." "This is a beacon of hope." "A reminder that there are still men in this world who stand for freedom, hard liquor and wasted time." "You, me, and several country singers." "We are those men." "Man, are you good at that!" "Thank you." "Listen--hmm!" "Listen, I have to talk to you about what happened about what happened between me and Amanda the other night-- Nah, nah,no thanks." "I don't like the sex talk." "No." "I don't want it to be awkward when I see her." "I mean, do I give her a kiss, a handshake?" "What is the etiquette when you first see someone you slept with but aren't dating, ?" "You just moved in and look how weird your life is." "Just be cool." "Hey." "I'm cool." "You can be cool and courteous, you know?" "Hey, Amanda." "Hey." "What?" "Did I just win the Tour de France?" "No, I wanted to acknowledge our night together with a special greeting." "Oh, is that how it's going to be?" "Okay, great." "Wait, are you mad?" "Okay, let me explain something to you." "I am a modern woman." "I have needs, and I understand that those needs are natural and healthy and sometimes I satisfy those needs by taking a lover." "Then I pretend it never happened." "So, when you bring it up, you're basically calling me a whore, which I don't appreciate." "You know, I am Catholic, for God's sakes!" "No, I--I'm sorry." "I just enjoyed our time together." "Okay, worse, worse." "Making it so much worse." "Cocktail me." "You can have one." "Tina, I worked hard at the pharmacy all day." "I'm a man." "I earned" "One drink." "Tina, I didn't recognize you without your flying monkeys." "Larry, you haven't introduced me to your new chin." "Brad." "New Brad." "Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot." "I just wanted to say, you seem great, and I hope we can hang out some time." "What's your game?" "No game, I just want to be friends." "Well, joke's on you, 'cause no one wants to be my friend." "Okay, everybody's here." "Let's do this." "I think we're doing it." "I see." "I'm supposed to believe everybody forgot my birthday." "Oh, you were going to do the surprise thing," "I played along all day." "Enough." "I'm going in the next room." "When I get back," "I want to see presents on this table." "I like to open 'em all at once, so I can judge them." "That way someone loses." "Oh, no." "It was today?" "I knew it was today." "You know, he is my oldest friend, how could I forget his birthday?" "First, you." "Now, this." "It's too much shame for one day." "You got him something?" "You justgot here." "Frickin' new Brad." "Ready or not, here I" "Where are all my" "I--I--I left my gift at home." "So, go get it." "The h--home I grew up in." "We forgot." "Okay?" "We forgot." "But it's my big day." "I know, and I am so sorry." "You look pretty today." "We don't forget each other's birthdays!" "Well, Brad forgot too." "I expect less of him." "You know it." "Well." "All right, at least one person cares about me." "?" "Well, it's not so much a present as an activity." "Even better." "There's nothing I want more than to hang out with the one person who remembered it was my big day, so let's see what we'll be doing." "My great gift from my great new friend is..." ""An evening of camping with Henry Beckman."" "Who's Henry Beckman?" "Me." "Beckman?" "You want me to go camping?" "Is there any way "Cam Ping" is the name of a Koreanmasseuse with no regard for the law?" "That gift sucks." "It's like the free hug coupon" "I gave my mom when I was six." "That's what you gave me last Christmas." "Hey, Henry." "Oh, Heather." "I--I found your tent." "Great, thank you." "Aren't you going to introduce me?" "Okay..." "Everyone, this is Heather, the girl I moved here for who then surprised me with a request to leave." "Heather, this is everyone." "Hi..." "Tina DeFabio." "You're the girl in 4-B." "You get a lot of Pottery Barn catalogs." "So do I. We should talk." "So..." "[clears throat]" "Henry, what happened to the girl I caught you with?" "The naked one." "Heather, you broke up with me." "You don't get to be upset about Amanda." "Her name's Amanda?" "Surprisingly classy." "What?" "You never slept with a guy you just met?" "Is that the ticket you're running on, honey?" "No, I haven't." "Yeah, my first time too." "This is lovely." "Come on in, have a drink." "Oh, I don't think she can" "No, no, really, I can't." "I'm so busy, you know, meeting new people, blossoming..." "Good." "Yeah." "Well, in fact, I'm late, so, you know, I gotta get going." "Here you go." "Hey, if you ever want to talk about "The Barn,"" "give me a call." "Wow!" "Does she live here, now?" "'Cause yuck." "Can you imagine your best friend forgetting your birthday?" "I mean, that's basically saying," ""I don't care that you were born."" "God, we gotta fix this." "What're we gonna get him?" "Ah, one beer." "Okay, if you could have anything, what would you want?" "Two beers." "Hey." "Go play Ms. Pac Man." "Go on." "Brad and I are having problems." "Aren't you going to say anything?" "I was, but, "Duh" seemed rude." "?" "How do I make him happy?" "Uh, let him see other people." "Okay, well, maybe cut Brad some slack." "You know, don't boss him around all the time." "Like, uh, let him decide how much he's going to drink." "But...every time he drinks too much he takes off his pants." "Well, you don't like it when people tell you what to do." "That's true." "And you know, how I know that is you're telling me what to do right now and I don't like it." "Spilled half a beer while I was racing for the power pellet." "I did" "Honey, if more beer makes you happy, then have as much as you want." "You know, you're a grown man." "You can decide for yourself." "Are you breaking up with me?" "Hey" "Oh, my God, you're actually going?" "Yeah, the kid's so excited." "So misguided and excited." "it's still not gonna make the night fun." "Look, the kid just got dumped." "I'm all he's got." "You know, it wouldn't kill you to be a little nicer to him." "Hey, I slept with him." "I think I've got nice covered." "I'm sorry, but with the whole cheek-kissing." "and camping thing, he's bugging me." "You remember when Big George dumped you?" "You loved Big George." "I loved Big George." "And afterwards, what did you suddenly decide you had to do?" "A little louder please." "Become a master potter." "Mm-hmm." "I believe your exact words were," ""Larry, from now on, I'm making my own bowls."" "Well, that class brochure said that, "Hands that mold a bowl build a heart that can mold a life."" "Who went with you to that frickin' class, huh?" "With all the--the pottery wheels and the hippies and the B.O.?" "You did." "But I would like to point out that you made 22 bongs that you sold on the internet." "Yeah..." "Anyway, I...really just came by to say I'm sorry again for the whole birthday thing." "Oh, that's okay." "Really?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I know you." "You got somethin' up your sleeve." "[laughs] Course I do." "Mm." "And it's so great I can't even describe it." "I am so pumped!" "Hey, Amanda." "You know what?" "I'm pumped too." "Just because you're here, you little spark plug!" "That's what you like, right?" "Hey, I thought you said you were ready?" "I am." "You can't go out in the wilderness dressed like that." "I've ridden a mechanical bull dressed like this." "It's not a problem." "I can take care of myself." "Okay, I'm just sayin' if we get out there" "Dude, I got 60 pounds on you." "Anything happens on this trip, I'd be one eating you." "You know..." "This would seem a lot cooler if you'd let me take you into the actual country instead of the roof of our building." "No, no." "No country, no nature, no bugs." "The only way I want to see a bug is if it's on TV and some hot chick's eating it for money." "So." "I'm glad we have this chance to talk, because I think we need to hash out this whole Amanda thing." "What whole Amanda thing?" "She's obviously way into me." "I enjoy you." "I really do." "I've seen this game before." "She's got a bad case of the Beckman's." "Is that like rickets?" "All I know is it's a good thing Amanda's not here, because in my experience, women find camping to be quite the turn on." "When I used to take Heather, we had some amazing..." "Well, I'll just be a gentleman and call them "nights."" "But some of them weren't "nights" at all." "Yeah!" "No clocks, it gets wild." "You know what else doesn't have clocks?" "Vegas." "We should go there." "Now, see?" "What you did right there?" "That's camping!" "Okay." "It's the camaraderie, the living off the land..." "The making music." "Oh, no, no." "A guitar?" "Yup." "Really?" "Oh, yeah!" "You got any requests?" "Can you bash me over the head with it?" "Well, how about for Larry's birthday we get him a shower curtain?" "You know, like a funny shower curtain." "Hey, why don't you get him Dexatrim or a stint in rehab?" "I'm drinking this." "Good!" "Now, this isn't one of those things where you say it's okay and then I do it and then I find out later it was, like, a test, and I failed?" "[laughs] I don't do that." "I don't...do that." "Well, I'm not doing it now, okay?" "I just want you to be happy." "?" "Hey there, big guy." "How's your birthday going?" "Well, I got good raw material, here." "I think I can make something fun happen." "Found the marshmallows." "But the kid's really challenging me." "Oh, hey, Amanda." "I need to talk to you about something." "So..." "Okay, as much as I like you, and I do," "I'm sorry to say" "I don't think we can pursue a relationship." "[snorts and laughs] Okay." "What are you doing here?" "Only bringing you your birthday present." ""This napkin entitles Larry Cone" ""to an evening of bar-hopping with Amanda Pennington."" "Ta-da!" "I'm sorry." "This is a crappy gift." "No, it's a crappy copy of a crappy gift." "Hey!" "Okay, you have ridiculously high expectations of people." "It's a napkin!" "It's late and all the stores are closed." "What do you want for me?" "How could you forget?" "Well, how could you not forgive me?" "?" "I cannot talk to you ?" "Is she kidding me?" "I think I know what can pick this night back up." "Hey, who cut my guitar strings?" "Probably a bear." "Yo, Larry!" "Oh, oh, oh!" "Frank!" "Where do you want me?" "Come on man, set up right over here." "What is--what's all this?" "I ordered in." "But I'm making beanie weanies!" "Now you can stop." "'Cause I got you a porterhouse." "I really appreciate you running this over." "How's the thing with your brother?" "Oh, they found him in Mexico." "It's a whole thing..." "I got you." "Happy birthday.Thank you, buddy, I appreciate it." "Take care." "Hey, hey, hey!" "[giggles]" "Happy birthday!" "It is now." "What is happening?" "Ah, they wanted to wish me a happy birthday." "What can I say?" "Uh-oh." "Oh?" "Dancing." "No, there's no dancing in camping." "It--uh-oh...oh, I'm trying to stop." "I'm trying to stop." "I am." "Oh..." "You know what?" "Fine." "Happy birthday." "?" "oh,come on wait..." "I'll send everybody away." "So--some of the people....guys..." "I don't think it's going to work out with him." "This roommate deal." "I don't feel like we want the same things." "Well, at least you're realizing this before there's kids involved." "Come on, like it's a big surprise that Larry doesn't like camping." "It's not just the camping." "It's everything." "I mean, look at these cabinets." "He's got martini glasses, margarita glasses, highball glasses, lowball glasses, you know how much cabinet space I get?" "Look at this." "I mean, I have to buy the tiny cereal." "You know what?" "You're right." "Larry is selfish." "But he had to be, he grew up with nothing." "You know, if didn't buy the HoHo and the candle, he didn't have a birthday." "He had to buy his own HoHo?" "And I knew that, so I'm the one who really blew it." "Can I ask you something?" "Before, when I said we couldn't have a relationship, you went [snorts]." "I did?" "That's not pretty." "So, you don't have a case of the Beckman's?" "[loud snort] Okay." "That is the last time, I swear." "You know, look, I" "I practically live here, and if things didn't work out between us, and for me they usually don't, well, then one of us would have to go." "It'd be me, wouldn't it?" "Oh yeah, definitely you." "Hey!" "I was just coming to find you." "Yeah, I really have" "I acted like a jackass up there." "It's your birthday, you should do what you want." "When the steaks show up..." "and the girls!" "I don't know what's wrong with me." "I like girls." "Really, I do." "Look, Heather just kicked your ass, and you don't know how to handle it." "Don't worry about me handling it." "I have to." "You are a nice guy, raised in a nice house with nice parents" "You have integrity, a work ethic, a basic belief in the goodness of man." "So?" "You know nothing." "You're like a naked baby I found on my doorstep." "I don't know what that means." "It means I'm gonna change your diaper, wipe your face, and feed you a nice warm bottle ?" "Heather." "What are you doing here?" "Henry, hi." "I was just wondering whose party this was." "Well, not that I even knew there was a party." "I'm so busy and popular." "I didn't even notice all the music, and laughter, and human companionship..." "Okay." "Well, I should be going." "Heather, if you don't have" "I don't, I have nothing." "Look, it's all right with me if you want to stick around for a drink." "That'd be great." "Come on in." "Hi." "So, how's it going?" "Well, you remember how I said I was blossoming?" "And she's got a story." "Turns out blossoming is pretty hard." "When I was runner-up" "Miss Missouri, I knew exactly what my life was going to be." "Runner-up Miss Missouri, runner-up Miss U.S.A., and if all went well, runner-up Miss Universe." "But the runner-up doesn't get to" "Don't." "I've tried." "Oh." "But sitting alone in my apartment for a week, I've realized" "I'm going to have to depend on more than my looks to make things happen." "This is the talent segment of my life, and that's always been my weakest category." "I found it!" "£¿£¿" "You want friendship?" "You want thoughtful?" "Suck on this!" "Oh, my God." "What is it?" "When you pull on his trunk a cigarette comes out his butt." "Yeah, I found mine a few years ago." "I knew he loved it, so." "Where did you find another one?" "I didn't." "This is your ass elephant?" "Happy birthday." "Baby." "Now, I have a present for you." "First you got the ass elephant..." "Now you get the ass!" "It's the same gift every year." "For God's sake, pull up your pants!" "Pull up your pants!" "Why aren't people laughing?" "Because you're 32!" "This is all your fault." "£¿£¿" "£¿£¿I try to make you happy" "?" "I'm happy when you make me ... unhappy" "?" "?" "?" "you got ...stars.." "?"