"Hey, Bobbie, I just finished reading the script." "Thank God." "Oh, I told them you could read, but I wasn't sure." "I had no idea how big my part was." "I'm the hero!" "In the final scene, I shoot down a helicopter in a tunnel." "It's crazy... this movie has, like, an $80 million budget." "The last movie I was on, they made me bring my own toilet paper." "Yeah, well, I got your first check today." "And it's more money than you've ever made." "So, you got to be careful with it." "Hey, you don't have to tell me." "Couple days ago, I was close to having nothing." "I am going to invest responsibly." "I'm not about to..." "They sell those?" "Hey, sorry about that, Bobbie, I had to, uh..." "Custom fish tanks?" "!" "Hi, Joey." "I'm Chris, the assistant director." "Hey." "Welcome to the first day of shooting." "Your trailer is almost ready." "Per your request, we have "pimped it out"" "in order to attract "hot tail."" "When I left that message, I was not aware you were a woman." "Not a problem." "They're putting in a plasma TV." "Your personal masseuse will be here at 3:00." "We've got a Denver omelet on the way for you for breakfast." "That's my favorite breakfast." "How did you know?" "We called ahead, spoke to your management." "We know all your favorite things." "Does the personal masseuse know all my favorite things, too?" "He does not." "Denver omelet, Mr. Tribbiani?" "Zach, what the hell are you doing here?" "I said I was friends with the star and they gave me a job." "I'm working in craft services." "Hey, look, I'm starting out small, but who knows where it may lead?" "You ate half of this." "Yeah, I did you a favor." "This tastes horrible." "Joey Tribbiani?" "Benjamin Lockwood." "God, I know you." "I saw you do Shakespeare on Broadway when I was a kid." "Oh, Twelfth Night?" "I don't remember the date, no." "So, you're in this?" "Your movies get all these great reviews and awards." "I am in a movie worthy of Benjamin Lockwood?" "No, you're in a movie that will allow" "Benjamin Lockwood to pay off his gambling debts and get his Oscar out of a pawn shop in Reseda." "Uh, what part are you playing?" "Uh, Agent Wilson." "Wow, that's a great part for you." "Oh, groundbreaking." "Yes." "FBI pulls me in for one more assignment and I get to say, no less than seven times," ""I'm getting too old for this crap."" "Wow, I think someone's going to have another Oscar to pawn pretty soon, huh?" "Okay, we're going to start the table read." "Kenny's just showing up now." "Who?" "Oh, uh, Kenny plays the kid that Benjamin and I protect in the movie." "Yeah, well, bad form showing up late on the first day." "Yeah." "Hey, little guy." "I'm Joey and, uh, well, I'm the star of this movie." "Now, you were a little late today." "You know what happens to boys who are late, don't you?" "They get their noses taken away, so..." "Oh, no, you did not just touch me." "Okay, Kenny." "Let's, uh... let's watch the attitude, all right?" "The star sets the tone..." "Hey, get out my chair, chump." "Uh, actually, this is my chair." "Can you believe this kid?" "Kenny wants the chair." "Get out of the chair." " But I'm the star of the..." " No, I'm the star here." "My last movie, The Littlest President, just opened at $40 million." "So, get out of my chair!" "For the love of God, get out of his chair." "Okay, all right, okay." "And give me my nose back." "So, the little kid kicked you out of your chair?" "Yeah." "Not only that, he took my parking spot." "And he cut in front of me in the food line." "And he called you a doodie-head in front of everyone." "See what I'm dealing with?" "First of all, it's totally unprofessional, okay?" "And second of all, it's not true." "Hey, Gina, I... oh!" "Hi, Joey." "Hey, Alex." "Haven't seen you since our night on the rooftop." "Oh, yeah, well, I'm not avoiding you 'cause you were, like, so romantic I couldn't deal with it." "Get over yourself." "So, that's your pretend date from the rooftop, huh?" "Oh, you're telling people?" "That's fun." "I told my therapist." "We were laughing so hard about it, he had to cancel his next appointment 'cause I wouldn't leave his office." "Okay, guys, can you give me and Alex a second?" "Yeah, sure, yeah." "I got to show Zach my truck." "He knows a tailor who can make me a leather suit in the same exact color." "I'm just saying, the Oscars are coming up." "You don't want to look like a jackass." "Okay, what was that with you and Joey?" "Something weird happened with us the other night." "We were having this fake romantic thing and it took a turn and got real for me, and..." "I kind of have feelings for him." "Oh, no, Alex, you are not falling for Joey." "I know." "It's a bad idea." "Plus, he's totally not my type." " And you're not his type." " What's his type?" "Women he hasn't slept with yet." "I can't be into Joey." "What am I supposed to do?" "Well, the easiest way to forget about a guy is to find another one." "I know lots of guys." "Huh?" "What's your type?" "Well, I like someone who's smart..." "Never mind." "Hey, guys." "What are you up to?" "Oh, we're just trying to find someone to set Alex up with." "Oh, really?" "What kind of guy do you like?" "Well, I'd say someone around my age, blond-haired, blue-eyed, creative, smart..." "Oh, I feel like I know someone who'd be perfect." "Lived in the building, uh, was in an orchestra..." "That's my ex-husband!" "So, no?" "If you're willing to bend on the blond thing, I would, uh..." "I'd throw my hat in the ring." "I may be a simple man, but I know what love is." " Joey." " Hey, Mr. Lockwood." "You ready to go?" "Oh, I'm ready to work." "But our star Kenny is in his trailer with his management debating whether or not to make number one before coming to the set." "I am getting sick of waiting around for this kid." "You're telling me?" "I am a serious actor." "If this little punk thinks that he can walk..." "Oh!" "There he is!" "It's our star!" "Prince Kenny, the Big K. Bah!" "Zap!" "Womp!" "Listen, I was just listening to your rap album... marvelous!" "Parents do be illin'." "That's very nice, Lockhart." "It's actually Lockwood." "But you know what?" "Even hearing you get the "Lock" part right is a thrill I won't soon forget." "Give me a piggyback." "Hop aboard, my prince." "Giddy up!" "What the hell was that?" "That's someone who's been in this business a long time doing what it takes to get ahead." "You got to do like him." "You got to cozy up to the star." "No matter what level you're on." "No, no, no." "I'm not getting sucked into the politics, okay?" "I'm about the work." "Now, we're about to do the big hero scene." "At the end of the day, that's what people will remember." "Yeah, be your own man." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy a shirt identical to Kenny's so I can start a conversation with him." "That was fun for you, so give me five dollars." "Oh, what a bargain!" "All right, everybody, Joey's here." "So, let's run the scene where Baxter, Wilson and Ron get chased by the helicopter through the tunnel." "The three of you have just run into the tunnel." "Action!" "I can't believe we made it out of there alive." "I'm getting too old for this crap." "Wait a minute." "What's that sound?" "It's the damn chopper!" "Now I'm pissed." "That Apache helicopter messed with the wrong cowboy." "And cut." "How was that?" "How was that look of determination?" "Movie poster, right?" "Absolutely." "I loved it." "You know what?" "I was talking to Lockwood before, and I don't think Joey should be the hero." "I think Lockwood should do it." " Great idea." " What?" "New pages!" "Lockwood's the hero." "Uh, wait." "Excuse me, I'm sorry." "Policemen, firemen, our men in uniform, those are the real heroes." "Ah, what the hell, I'll give it a whirl." "Hold on, hold on." "He can't be the hero." "It's in the script." "I'm the hero." "Look, the studio wants to keep the kid happy." "He gets whatever he wants." "Hey, what's going on?" "You said you didn't even care about this movie." "Why would you try to take my stuff?" "I get paid by the day." "The more lines I have, the more days I work, the sooner I can get my Oscar out of hock... and my Tony... and my Latin Grammy." "I am huge in Argentina." "All right, look, I don't care what you want the money for." "Stop messing with me." "Listen, you're in way over your head, buddy." "Don't quote Shakespeare to me." "Alex Garrett." "Think I may have found a guy to help you get over Joey." "Now, is height important to you?" "I don't know." "How tall is he?" " Uh, he's four..." " You need to keep looking." "But you have such narrow taste." "Where am I going to find guys that are such a specific type?" " Hey, Gina." " Please hold." "They're doing a history of Motown movie." "So, pull the headshots of all the black women that we represent between the ages of 50 and 60 who have singing experience." "Hey, could I do that with all the blond-haired, blue-eyed guys in their 20s and 30s that went to college?" "Hmm..." "A blond man as Aretha Franklin..." "I like it." "Hey." "You're not going to believe this." "That kid took away my scene." "I'm not the hero in the movie anymore!" "Oh, that's too bad, Joey." "Well, even if you're not a hero in the movie, you will always be a hero to me and Mike." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought I could get through it." "I can't believe this." "I'm losing lines, Lockwood's sabotaging me." "I'm in big trouble." "Whoa, it's just like when I was in the science fair at junior high." "This other kid totally bought gifts for the judges and vandalized my entry." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, what'd you do?" "I confronted her." "And then she beat the crap out of me." "Okay, you know what?" "Zach was right." "I got to suck up to the star." "That's the only chance I have of getting my scene back." "I'm going to compliment him and... and, ooh, I'm going to laugh at everything he says." "Joey, he's a little kid." "He doesn't need his butt kissed." "He needs a good spanking." "Gina, I'm not going to spank the kid." "Why not?" "Mom used to spank us." "We turned out great." "Really?" "Who's my dad?" "I'm working on it!" " Hey." " Hey." "All right, so, uh, where's this guy you want me to meet?" "Actually, it's a whole group of guys." "I found a bunch of actors who fit your type, so I set up an audition for a fake movie." "I even wrote a script." "What?" ""Alex's Song:" "The Sexual Awakening of a Middle-Aged Divorcee"?" "This is crazy." "What kind of actors are going to show up for this?" "Are you kidding me?" "Actors will audition for anything." "I had to turn down Kevin Bacon." "Why?" "I love Kevin Bacon." "No." "He wanted to direct, and this film is my vision." "Ooh, Kevin Bacon." "Oh, I love this game." "Let's see how many steps it takes to connect him to me." "Uh, we did it on a boat." "One!" "Well, let's go check these guys out." "I'm a little nervous about this." "Oh, no, you're going to do great." "Okay." "Oh, my God, there's so many of 'em!" "How do I know who to pick?" "I..." "I don't know anything about them." "I mean, they, they could be married or gay or..." "Okay, relax." "I will help you." "Okay, everybody, listen up." "You guys have been very patient, and we appreciate it." "Now, I don't want to offend anyone." "Would all the gays get up against the wall." "I had an experience in college..." "Wall!" "Hey, what happened here?" "Kenny threw a tantrum because the macaroni and cheese wasn't cheesy enough." "I do not approve of what he did, but he's not wrong." "Somebody should put that kid in his place." "Oh, Kenny!" "Man, look at Lockwood over there sucking up." "I got to get in on that." "You're telling me your dog vomited..." "Yeah." " ...ate its vomit..." " Uh-huh." " ...and then vomited again?" " Yeah." " It's my favorite story." " And now it's mine, too." "Yeah, but Fluffy got cancer and two months later, we had to put him to sleep." "Hey!" "You think it's funny my dog died?" "Oh, don't look at me that way." "We're buddies." " Are you kissing my butt?" " Yes." "Can I have my scene back, please?" "No, 'cause I don't like you." "And I don't think you should land the plane either." "New pages!" "Lockwood's landing the plane." "No, I love that scene!" "Well, then treat it right." "Let it be played by a real actor." "You know what I'm going to do?" "I'm going to go to that pawn shop, I'm going to buy your Oscar, and I'm going to cut it in half!" "Come on." "You can't just take away my scene." "I can do whatever I want." "You!" "Turn in your walkie." "You're fired!" "No, no." "This isn't right." "Okay, look, the only reason you're acting like this is 'cause no one told you you can't." "Know what else no one told me I couldn't do?" "What?" "Throw these pretzels at your big old head." "Don't do that." "I'm not kidding." "Okay, that's it." "My sister was right." "You... need... discipline!" "I'm not landing the plane, am I?" "Okay, let's review." "If you are against the wall, you are either gay, married, wear tank tops, enjoy quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail..." "How do you know she's a witch?" "She turned me into a newt..." "Separate those two!" "Now you're getting into it." "Ooh, I got one." "What's up?" "!" "What's up?" "!" "Wall!" "Now you're down to your last two." "Who's it going to be?" "Um, I don't know." "I don't know what else to ask them." "Gina, I've been looking all over for..." "I got to say, I was skeptical, but we've got a lot of good Aretha Franklins here." "Actually, Bobbie, uh, my friend Alex was desperate to meet a guy, so I called in a bunch of clients and set up a fake audition." "Well, for what it's worth," "I slept with the one in the red shirt." "Red shirt, wall!" "Actually, just leave the room." "Those curls are so soft." "Well, we have a winner." "Go ask him out." "No, no, no." "I can't." "I told you, I'm bad at that part." "Can't you do it for me?" "No, Alex." "This is as far as I'll go for you." "If you're going to get over Joey, you are going to have to step it up." "All right." "Wish me luck." "Hi." "Listen, I have a confession to make." "This isn't a real audition." "Alex's Song isn't a real movie." "My friend set this up so that I could find a date, and, um," "I'd like to offer you the part." "This is kind of weird, but..." "but you seem nice." " I'd go out with you." " Really?" "You know, I knew something was up when I read the pages for this audition." ""Should we go inside and do it, Alex?"" ""I don't know, I'm blonde and weird."" ""Doesn't mean you can't do it."" ""You're right." "Let's do it."" "Hey, just 'cause you can't pull it off, don't knock the writing, all right?" "Hey, Lisa." "Hey, Paul." "Joey..." "Very good career move back there, spanking the star." "Listen, you know what?" "I think the director's mother's coming to the set." "Maybe you should punch her in the face." "Very funny, very funny." "At least I didn't suck up to that kid, okay?" "I may lose my job, but I still have my dignity." "And I'll work again." "Ah, that's the spirit." "I'm sure our paths will cross." "You know what?" "I'll tell you now what I'll tell you then:" "I like all the dipping sauces with my nuggets." "Kenny." "Joey." "Okay, I think we should talk." "I don't blame you if you're upset." "I just think we should clear the air." "Is he mad?" "I can't see his face from up here." "Oh." "Thanks." "I was out of line and you busted me on it." "I respect that." "Hey, no problem, huh?" "Hey, Kenny." "Huh?" "I see smiles." "Why are there smiles?" "Turns out the kid respected me for disciplining him." "You know what?" "You're a brave guy, and it'll make more sense if you land the plane." "New pages!" "Joey's landing the plane." "And you should be the hero, too." " New pages!" "Joey's the..." " They know!" "Thanks, Kenny." "You're all right." "You, too, Joe." "Well, Tribbiani, I underestimated you." "I didn't think you were savvy enough to play the game." "But now it seems you've taken the game to a whole new level." "That's right, Lockwood." "It seems the student has become the pupil." "Maybe I'll be okay." "Hey, sexy, how was your date?" "It was so great." "Thank you for finding this guy." "He's so sweet and funny, and I didn't think about Joey once." " I'm so happy for you!" " Thank you." "See, I knew this would work." "Now I'm working on the audition scenes for mine." "Oh." "That's disgusting." "Oh, good." "I didn't think it was clear." "Hey, Gina, you want to..." "Hey, look at you, Alex." "Were you on a date?" "Um, yeah, actually." "Wow, lucky guy." "You look beautiful." "Wow, really?" "Geez, Joey, that is so sweet." " Alex..." " Stay out of it!" "Hey, uh, you want to go grab dinner?" "Oh, no, now's not a good time." "I'll come!" "I'm starving." "Oh, didn't you just eat?" "No, this is my swan purse." " All right, well, let's go." " Okay." "Alex, the wine's open." "You coming back in?" "Oh, yeah." "Hey, Steve." "Come on!" "Hey, is she okay?" "Did she talk to you about anything?" "Why?" "I think she had meat in her purse." "Hey, Kenny, wait up." "Listen, I just want to say thanks for being so cool." "And, uh, I got you a little gift." "Your keys?" "You're giving me your truck?" "No, no, no!" "No, no, no, no!" "I was, uh... oh." "I was just going to give you this." "That is priceless." "Doesn't see my car." "Porsche on your left." "Porsche on your left!"