"Would you please tell Miss Francis we're ready when she is." "It's not real." "It's just pretend." "It's all right, Lizzie." "She's only made of straw." "Come on, Lizzie." "No-one will want the pictures if you're not in them." "It's erm..." "It's one fairy story too many, I think." "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls," "welcome to Midsomer Parva's first Straw Woman Festival " "HORN, TYRES SCREECH" "PERSISTENT HORN" "CRIES OF ALARM" "Oh, for God's sake!" "That's it!" "I think our best response to this sort of intrusion is to press ahead in as dignified a manner as possible." "Dr Cole?" "Vicar?" "Stand back, children." "CAMERA WHIRS" "Come on, man." "It's a tradition." "CHILDREN: # ..banished from our hearts is she" "♪ Firelight and sing refrain" "♪ Vanquish darkness with her name... ♪" "SCREAMING" "(SCREAMS)" "(HOWLS FOR HELP)" "Nice night for a barbecue." "MUSIC POUNDS" "LINE-DANCING MUSIC" "♪ Yee-ha!" "♪" "Why the police?" "One of the Bible-bashers got burnt alive on top of that bonfire." "Maybe there IS a God, after all." "Yeah, and you know what?" "She's called Doris Day and she's counting your drinks." "Hi, Agnes." "At least you tried." "Special dispensation." "Hm." "Something tells me I'm about to be prime suspect in a murder case." "Seems I've put somebody on a bonfire." "I've put tomorrow's schedule on your desk." "Is there anything else?" "Well, if I think of anything else, I'll let you know." "Lovely costume, by the way." "Mrs Hopkins." "I wondered who they'd send." "I'd like to talk to Miss Francis, please." "Who the hell are you?" "I'm DCI Barnaby." "This is DS Scott." "Oh." "Sorry." "Dr Cole." "Miss Francis is suffering from shock." "We can talk to Miss Francis tomorrow." "Yeah." "Yeah." "OK." "We'll get a WPC to take care of you." "It's Alex!" "He's not in church." "It's Alex." "I know it is." "Alex?" "Who's Alex?" "Alex Deakin." "Our curate." "Reverend, do you have any reason to believe that someone would want to murder him?" "It'll be that rabble up at the manor, Barnaby." "You mark my words." "Sir!" "I'll talk to you later." "Jim." "Anything I can do?" "You've got a nerve, Miss Malpas." "Dental records only, I'm afraid." "He'd have to be unconscious when he was put in here, wouldn't he?" "What do you reckon?" "It's hard to say." "This is going to take some time, I'm afraid, Tom." "I'll get on to Missing Persons." "I don't think that's going to be necessary." "..sinners, snares, fire and brimstone, storm and tempest " "It's your duty to reassure the children there isn't a witch on the loose." "..his fan is in his hand and he will purge " "Damn it, man!" "It's only a school assembly." "DOOR OPENS Dr Cole?" "Dr Cole." "Mrs Hopkins." "I'd like to ask the Reverend Hale some questions." "We need him at the school." "Would you mind waiting outside?" "Thank you." "..the day of the Lord cometh, as a thief in the night, and then shall sudden destruction fall upon obstinate sinners and they shall not escape " "Reverend Hale?" "Reverend Hale, I'm sorry to interrupt." "Could you tell me, did Alex Deakin have any enemies here, up at Parva Manor, for example?" "He tried to turn me." "He really tried." "And now..." "God forgive me for meddling with such evil." "Meddling with evil?" "Why couldn't we have Guy Fawkes like everyone else?" "Because it's an old village tradition." "What would YOU know about tradition?" "You've only been here five minutes." "All I wanted to do was - Stick your smart-arse fingers in." "..teach the children how ignorance leads to fear, how it can affect a community." "So we're ignorant now, are we?" "Not now." "In the 17th century." "If people hadn't been prejudiced - ALL GRUMBLE IN DISAGREEMENT" "If people hadn't been so prejudiced, all those innocent women wouldn't have been burned as witches." "Who says they was innocent, eh?" "Yeah." "No smoke without fire." "VILLAGERS:" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I think it was a good idea." "It brought us together against the Manor." "Deakin brought us together against the Manor." "Look what it did for him." "This really isn't going to help the children." "You're damn right." "I'm taking my lad home with me right now." "Mr Fox..." "Mr Fox, please!" "I won't be charging for the photos." "Thank you, Matthew." "Anyone would think it was a witch that...did it." "Alan Clifford's been determined to destroy village life since he bought the Manor." "Why would he want to do that?" "A nightclub owner and pornographer?" "All that nonsense with the limousine last night was him trying to rain on our parade." "He'd been at loggerheads with Alex Deakin for some time." "About what, precisely?" "See that building to the left of the Manor?" "That's the chapel." "The village clergy used to serve there." "Until Clifford had it deconsecrated." "The Reverend Deakin objected?" "Alex was determined to see it restored to its proper use." "Is there something IMPROPER about Clifford's use of this chapel?" "Inspector," "I suggest a visit to Parva Manor might shorten your investigation." "You know Hopkins, then?" "Yes, indeed I do." "Professionally." "She's a magistrate." "Sounds like it's Clifford she wants on the bonfire." "She was always a bit of a hanger and a flogger." "She should work for Clifford." "People pay good money for that kind of thing." "To see Mr Clifford." "When's the earliest we can get this to the planning committee?" "The next meeting's on Friday." "Heathen!" "Defiler!" "Devil!" "Oh, dear." "Here we go." "Heavenly Father, cleanse and sanctify this, your house, and shield it from the..." "Hey, hold on." "DCI Barnaby." "DS Scott." "Causton CID." "Hold on." "See?" "The house of God turned into a brothel!" "We call it "a chapel of love"." "You won't get away with this." "Whatever abomination it is you're planning, I'll stop it." "On poor Alex's soul, I'll stop it." "Check the diary, Agnes." "See if I've had any vicars roasted (!" ")" "Well, well." "What an adventurous conversion of a former place of worship." "It still is a place of worship." "Best sermons in the parish." "I understand the Reverend Deakin also opposed your plans." "Well, he complained to the DOE." "Oh, yes, and then he tried to prove that the Manor didn't legally own this chapel." "So, what are you planning, exactly?" "Ask the God Squad." "They've got the very best ideas." "Mr Clifford, can you tell us, please, where you were between 12pm and 6pm yesterday afternoon?" "Erm..." "Lunch with the architects." "Then there was a meeting between 3pm and 5pm, then... you got ready for your party." "A meeting?" "It was a business meeting between Mr Clifford and I." "I really don't know how you get these sheets so crumpled." "Mr Clifford, when did you last see Alex Deakin?" "He came round yesterday, claiming there was no record of the land being transferred from the church." "Was he right about that?" "The Manor got the land when the monasteries were dissolved, before present church records began." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Are you OK, Dad?" "He's fine." "I didn't ask you." "Can I introduce my daughter, Jo?" "I'm DCI Barnaby." "This is DS Scott." "So, don't tell me." "Everyone reckons Dad had the curate burned, cos he moaned about the chapel?" "Why would anyone suggest that?" "They believe what they read in the paper, so Dad's the devil incarnate." "Jo, have a peach, dear." "It's since her mother left." "She thinks I need looking after." "There was an outbreak of swine fever in the 17th century." "The villagers tried to cure it with prayers." "That didn't work." "Some women used herbal remedies." "The pigs recovered." "Nice one." "The women were tried for witchcraft and burned at the stake." "I linked it into my citizenship lessons." "We've been exploring prejudice and how it's rooted in fear and ignorance." "How did the village react when you suggested making a straw woman?" "Most of them thought it was a bit of a laugh, extra business for the pub." "Some didn't like it, didn't say why, just weren't comfortable with it." "How about the local church?" "Alex Deakin was against it from the start." "He thought it was pagan." "How long was the effigy on the bonfire before the ceremony began?" "Half an hour?" "We weren't sure about the weather, so we kept it in the shed till the last minute." "How would you get something like this on top of a bonfire?" "Lucy Middleton's dad is a farmer." "He lifted it on with his front loader." "Any sign of it being tampered with?" "Not that I can think of." "BELL Sorry." "I've got to see the kids out." "It's going-home time." "Don't forget your gym kit tomorrow." "He won't be here tomorrow." "Afraid, Denise, the local coven will drink his blood?" "Kate." "They're frightened of shadows, Liz." "Don't let them get to you." "Oh, erm, I was just talking to the police." "I'll er..." "I'll see you later, yeah?" "You know where I am." "Yeah." "Thanks, by the way." "The kids loved it." "You seem to have at least one ally." "Mm." "Kate Malpas." "Yeah." "She runs her own medical centre." "Complimentary medicine." "That kind of stuff." "Miss Francis, may I ask you, when did you last see Alex Deakin alive?" "Yesterday morning." "He was still trying to persuade the vicar to boycott the ceremony, so I took them both to the church to show them the parish records." "It was the tradition for the vicar to light the fire." "When we got there, to the crypt," "Alan Clifford's PA was there." "Agnes Waterhouse?" "Mm." "How did Agnes gain access to the crypt?" "That's what Deakin wanted to know." "Clifford should be a church warden." "He refuses to serve." "He has a key." "And all the church wardens, they have keys?" "I think so." "Clifford sent Agnes to see if there was a record of the church selling the chapel." "Which didn't impress Deakin?" "No." "He was livid." "What was it he said?" "He said, "If you want to burn anyone at the stake, burn Clifford."" "Then he went off to have it out with Clifford at the Manor." "And I never saw him again." "Thank you very much, Miss Francis." "If you think of anything else, just " "Give you a call?" "Yeah." "Don't tell me." "You wish you'd had a teacher like that." "I might have done better, if I had." "Come on." "DOG BARKS" "TWIG SNAPS" "CREAKS" "BIRD SCREECHES" "WIND WHISTLES" "EVIL GHOSTLY WHISPERING" "Is it true it was spon...taneous combustion?" "What's that all about?" "Something to do with an outbreak of swine fever in the 17th century?" "Someone's trying to tell us something?" "Possibly." "Ring round the local meat suppliers." "Find a pig that's lost its head." "Yes, sir." "George." "Can you be sure he's the vicar?" "So, what happened?" "He was rendered unconscious somehow and then set alight?" "Probably." "I'll have to get back to you on what caused the fire." "Why would anyone take against the vicar and his curate?" "Perhaps there's a Satanist on the loose." "Don't use words like "Satanist"." "People are getting the wrong idea already." "Get in and start praying." "I would." "Sorry." "Are you not into the God thing?" "Pretty weird, isn't it?" "Two vicars burning like that." "There was a...pig's head." "Yeah." "Dark forces on the prowl." "The devil rides." "Don't joke about it." "Please." "So, do you just do gravestones?" "I do a lot of trees and rivers." "I'm interested in light, how it moves." "Yeah?" "I've never met a proper photographer before." "Sure." "It's true." "There's paparazzi camped outside Dad's clubs, but I never met one that did trees." "I'm going to Fine Shade Woods later." "BELL CHIMES Yeah?" "Can I watch?" "It seems that Deakin had a point." "Sir?" "Well, there's no record of any chapel being sold to the Manor." "Clifford said the transaction took place before records began." "Well, he would, wouldn't he?" "Any joy with the pigs?" "I spoke to the butcher in Causton." "Seems Clifford likes his hog roasts." "He took a delivery of three whole pigs on Thursday." "Two priests dead." "Both of them burned alive and both opposed to Clifford." "Hale as good as accused him in front of us." "So Clifford had him killed, too, and made it look like witchcraft?" "THUD" "Search the vicarage, while I have a word with Mr Clifford." "Am I paying you too much?" "Out of my shoe allowance." "Are you going to try it?" "Yes." "Certainly." "Oh, this is perfect." "SOFT MUSIC Oh." "You SHALL go to the ball." "Think of it as a going-away present." "Mm, thank you." "Mr Clifford?" "I'm sorry to, er, trouble you again." "It's all right, Miss Waterhouse." "Please stay." "I'd like to talk to you both, if I may." "Thank you." "Mr Clifford, I understand you take a regular delivery of whole pigs." "Is that right?" "Yes." "I heard about the business in the church." "But if it was anyone at my end, I'd know about it, OK?" "OK." "Miss Waterhouse, you mentioned that you were at a meeting with Mr Clifford yesterday." "Can anyone else confirm that?" "There was no-one actually in the room with us, no." "So, exactly what kind of a nurse, are you, Miss Waterhouse?" "I...don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, really?" "Don't worry." "It's bound to come out some time." "Agnes is a terminal-care nurse." "She's MY terminal-care nurse." "Damn good she is, too." "It's erm..." "It's the Big C." "I've been trying to keep it out of the tabloids, but sex and death..." "You see, for me, they're a perfect headline." "I'm sorry." "No need." "Not as long as I've got Agnes looking after me." "The "meeting" was for me, Miss Waterhouse and my pain control." "Do you keep diamorphine stored here, then?" "Mm, it's all in the records." "Does anyone in the village know about your condition?" "Just Kate Malpas." "She and Agnes manage my pain for me between them." "I didn't fancy chemo." "I thought about it, then I thought I'd rather go out with my hair on and trousers down." "Sometimes, in the summer," "I sleep out here." "You get this really intense light first thing." "It's amazing, through the new leaves." "Is there much money in it?" "Not in trees, there's not." "I get a bit from weddings and things." "Not enough to go professional." "What's that one over there?" "A birch." "They don't live long, but they've got the best bark." "All that silver, peeling off a living thing." "Does your dad like you being a photographer?" "Not much." "If I made it as a professional, he might not mind." "Time you got yourself a proper portfolio, then." "The..." "The children made one each, as a memento." "OK." "How did this one wind up on Hale's mantelpiece?" "Someone must have stolen them." "No." "I saw they were missing before the ceremony." "We did ask you if you'd noticed " "Anything unusual." "I know." "Where were they kept?" "In the hall." "Kept open, so people could see the kids' pictures." "Look, I'm..." "I'm sorry, OK?" "Hale and Deakin, were they...?" "Were they gay?" "Erm, just a bit." "How did people feel about that?" "I doubt the traditionalists were happy." "And what about Hopkins and Cole?" "Oh, yeah, they all used to go on the Gay Pride rally together (!" ")" "Sorry." "Try these." "They're good for sore throats." "Thank you." "OPENS CONTAINER" "WIND HOWLS" "WIND ECHOES" "WIND WHISTLES" "HOWLING" "BIRDSONG" "CHICKENS CLUCK" "Jo?" "Why didn't Miss Francis mention this before?" "She forgot." "She forgot?" "A vital piece of evidence and she forgot?" "You know what this makes Miss Francis." "Well, it doesn't make her a witch." "I also found this on Hale's mantelpiece." "Miss Francis reckons that Hopkins and Cole weren't too impressed." "Judy, delay my first house call, would you?" "Something's come up." "JUDY:" "Mrs Hopkins to see you, Doctor." "Sorry." "Have I called at a bad time?" "Just checking the BCG results from the school." "I thought I'd drop them off before afternoon surgery." "She's rather an attractive girl, in her way, don't you think?" "Attractive?" "Miss Francis." "I wonder if we shouldn't have gone for someone less...obvious." "Wouldn't do for any of the older boys to go starry-eyed about her." "Well, this older boy prefers someone a little more mature." "In fact, once we've found our new vicar... perhaps you and I could consider shortening our engagement." "John." "Of course, we do have Matthew to consider, but..." "I wish he weren't so hostile to me." "He's still tied to his mother's apron strings." "God rest her soul." "JUDY:" "DCI Barnaby to see you, Doctor." "Er, OK." "Send him through, would you?" "John...?" "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Morning." "Just finishing surgery." "We can wait." "No, it's all right." "Morning." "Dr Cole, was the Reverend Deakin registered with you?" "No." "Was the Reverend Hale registered with you?" "No." "I wonder why that was." "I mean, you're the village GP and a church warden." "I believe they wanted to be discreet, given the nature of their relationship." "Did you object to that relationship?" "I tried to ignore it." "Now, if you don't mind, I've got rather a lot of house calls." "Where were you on Wednesday between 4pm and 6pm, sir?" "I was with Mrs Hopkins." "Can she confirm that, given the nature of YOUR relationship?" "There's nothing serious between Margaret and me." "So you've no reason to lie for each other?" "If anyone's lying about Wednesday, it's Clifford." "Go and persecute him." "Mr Clifford was receiving medical treatment at the time." "Medical treatment?" "Yes." "Does that surprise you?" "What did Reverend Hale say when I asked him if Deakin had any enemies?" "He seemed scared, scared of Cole." "Who, as a GP, has access to enough narcotics to have drugged Deakin." "So does Clifford." "Yeah, but all his are accounted for." "What are those?" "Herbal throat lozenges." "Kate Malpas makes them." "She'll put Dr Cole out of business." "Where did you get 'em?" "Er, Liz Francis." "Oh?" "Sir, I have a sore throat." "Oh." "KNOCK AT DOOR Matthew?" "Hey!" "L-l-look." "Oh, my God." "And there's a...pig's head, a pig's head on an altar." "A what?" "It's the same as the church." "A pig on an altar." "Matthew, you've been dreaming." "No, I haven't." "You fell asleep." "I tried to wake you, but you looked so peaceful and lovely." "It's...a witch." "It must be." "Oh, sure (!" ") It's not some kids having a laugh, it's the hex of the Black Hag." "Now, come with me." "Let's see if we can get you clean." "Barnaby, I trust you're here to tell me I'm free to use the church?" "Er, no." "No." "I'm afraid not, but Forensics shouldn't be long." "So, this used to be the old vicarage?" "Yes, my ex-husband bought it." "It came to me as part of our divorce settlement." "The Church was my solace, then." "When I die, I'd like it to have its vicarage back, unless I marry again." "Mrs Hopkins," "I wonder how you feel about the Church's teachings on homosexuality." "Well, the Church doesn't like openly homosexual relationships." "And how about you, Mrs Hopkins?" "How did you feel about the relationship between the two reverends?" "I had no quarrel with their liturgical preferences." "Both High Church, funnily enough." "What about... (COUGHS)" "What about Dr Cole?" "I'd strongly advise you against using that woman's poisons." "So, neither you nor Dr Cole disliked having a gay clerical team in the parish?" "Dr Cole is a fine doctor and a committed Christian." "If he harbours homophobic prejudice, which I doubt, then he will be judged in a higher court than we have ever set foot in." "Infatuated AND lying." "And they both loathe Clifford." "So, what are you saying, three birds with one stone?" "Get rid of their troublesome priests and point the finger at the vulgar intruder." "It's what they do in the Bible, isn't it?" "Burn the sinners." "You naughty little girl." "Looking forward to our trip?" "The glories of Christendom, Rome, Jerusalem?" "Or maybe we should just go for a B  B in Skegness." "SQUEAK" "What are...you doing here?" "I'm a doctor, Matthew, remember?" "I'm here to see Miss Clifford's father." "I might ask you the same." "Security thought he was trying to photograph the Manor." "I had to pull them off." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Thanks." "(SIGHS)" "If only he had his father's grip." "Indeed." "When were you thinking for our little jaunt?" "I can be free any time." "Not while Dad's like he is." "Anyway, who told you he was ill?" "The police." "They still haven't worked out who killed Deakin and Hale." "Useless shower!" "You do see why we have to wait?" "I couldn't be with anyone while Dad's still suffering." "Can I help?" "I'm sure you can." "I'd like a word with Mr Clifford's medical advisers, if I may?" "You're talking to them." "I'm sorry?" "Dr Cole." "Come to cleanse us of our sins?" "You!" "Talk about mutton dressed as lamb." "How many people have you seen die, Jo?" "Not very pleasant, is it?" "Get out of my way." "Whatever it takes to get your father through this, I'll do it." "It's my job." "It's what he pays me for." "And if you need help, too, you only have to ask." "Mr Clifford, I really can't recommend this kind of treatment for such a serious condition." "Thank you very much, Kate." "For pity's sake!" "You can't rely on her hocus-pocus drivel." "Oh, it's a badly overheated liver you've got there, Dr Cole." "Cut out coffee for a bit." "Try an infusion of dandelion root, instead." "You're a fraud, Malpas." "A fraud and a mountebank." "She speaks very highly of you, too." "Do you have any idea of the damage she's done to the health of this village?" "Village?" "Damage?" "It's time for your morphine, Alan." "You need to calm down." "Alan, why don't you invite Dr Cole to your party tomorrow tonight?" "Fags And Hags." "Right up your street." "Oh, yes." "Go to hell." "Thank you for coming." "Doctor." "He's right." "You DO need a proper doctor." "So, you don't think Agnes and Kate are PROPER?" "I mean, hospitals, Dad." "Drugs." "You've got the money to buy the best in the world." "All you've got is two old tarts banging on about the perfect death." "They are professionals." "You just don't get it, do you?" "I don't want you to die, Dad." "Come on." "Your father needs some rest." "I can take over from here, Kate." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Good night, Alan." "Good night." "I suppose I should be grateful." "Girls still fighting over me." "(SCOTT READS) The original source of the ignition burns the skin and melts the subcutaneous fat." "This then soaks into the clothing, acting as a wick." "Nice (!" ")" "CREAKING" "WIND WHISTLES" "Miss Malpas!" "Can I have a word, please?" "I was a GP in London for 12 years." "All this started as a sideline." "So, you left a career in proper medicine, then?" "Not really." "Most modern treatments have their roots in this sort of thing." "How did you get to work for Clifford?" "He was interested in alternative therapies." "Agnes contacted me." "You must have impressed him." "Yeah." "He impressed me." "A refreshing attitude to death." "Made such a change from the sadomasochistic death cult on offer in Church." "(The what?" ")" "Were either the Reverend Hale or Alex Deakin patients of yours?" "Yeah." "I gave Jim Hale anti-stress tablets." "His er...situation played havoc with his nerves." "What was his "situation"?" "His being gay was a disappointment for Margaret." "She'd lobbied the bishop for an unmarried vicar." "So then she switched her affections to your...rival, Dr Cole." "Only Cole sees himself as my rival." "He has a closed mind and an irascible temperament." "In mediaeval terms, he has an excess of choler." ""An excess of choler"?" "Setting up a rival practice, that couldn't have helped." "There will always be people who prefer aspirin to willow bark." "A bit like religion." "Some people like slurping Communion wine." "Others like dancing naked round a bonfire." "I take it you're not a churchgoer." "No." "People make piles of stones and think they've found God." "If it gives them comfort, that's their affair." "I prefer Agnes." "If anyone can make death bearable, she can." "What's protein shock venom?" "A mutation retardant." "I get the venom from the frog." "CROAKS" "People pay for stuff like that." "The things you buy from a proper chemist are just a purified version." "Sure (!" ") "Doctor, it's my throat."" ""Suck a frog three times a day."" "BANGING DR COLE:" "Malpas!" "You're a damned disgrace to the profession." "Do you hear me?" "!" "FURTHER BANGING "An excess of choler."" "Mediaeval medicine might have something to teach us." "Come on." "Dr Cole!" "I wonder if we might possibly have a word with you - in your surgery?" "She's no business treating anyone who's seriously ill." "Surely that is Mr Clifford's choice." "Then he deserves to die." "Like the homosexual priests?" "Do you know what "Malpas" means?" "No." "I don't." "It's French," ""mal" - "evil", "pas" - "step"." ""Evil step."" "Can I see your drug register, please?" "I don't know where it is." "I'll give you some time to find it." "I'd like to see it by tomorrow morning, please." "And, Dr Cole, please don't leave the village without informing us." "DOOR CLOSES" "HEARTBEAT INCREASES" "Dad!" "Look!" "Look at this!" "How dare you come in here, Matthew." "It's me!" "Look." "I'm next..." "Those are mine." "And they're a damned disgrace!" "Someone had the good sense to send them to me." "Jo's my girlfriend." "We're lovers." "Jo Clifford wouldn't hold your hand, let alone sleep with you." "Matthew!" "Meet me at the church in five minutes." "Be there." "John!" "Where have you been all evening?" "Barnaby seems to think..." "And I thought you were after Miss Francis." "Margaret!" "Don't Margaret me." "They're Matthew's." "I found him with them in his darkroom." "What exactly were you intending to do with them at this hour?" "I'm going to burn the filth and then I'm going to pray." "Shall I come with you?" "I'm the one who's failed as a father." "Pray for Matthew." "He's not a happy soul." "You're a good man, John." "GATE CREAKS" "GHOSTLY WHISPERING" "SCREAMING" "He was on fire." "I tried to put it out." "No!" "You brought it back." "400 years and you brought it back." "Witch!" "Look what you've done to the lad." "Why?" "Because she's a damned witch!" "Don't listen to them, Matthew." "No!" "Lucy?" "This officer will stay with you." "We'll come round later to take a statement." "Come on." "George,what are his chances?" "If he lives, he'll have Miss Francis to thank." "George, if you wanted to create the impression of spontaneous combustion, are you able to do that?" "You mean, like a conjuring trick?" "Exactly like that." "Yeah." "You might be able to do it chemically." "Could you set something up in the lab to show me?" "I'll try." "Come round first thing." "Can you make it tonight?" "Thank you." "Oh, by the way, the traces of a narcotic on Deakin." "It's organic." "Valerian." "Commonly used by homeopaths." "Thank you, George." "Cheers." "See you later." "If valerian is a herbal sedative " "Kate Malpas's medicines are found all over the village." "Did Margaret Hopkins appear to you to be unduly keen to get this church reopened after Hale's death?" "Oh, she's a full-on Bible-basher, sir." "Yet her lover's burned a few yards from her front door and we see no sign of the lady." "Looks like photographs." "Taken by Matthew Cole, perhaps, and burnt by John Cole?" "Or by his attacker." "Yeah." "Yeah." "We'll have to take a look at his darkroom, of course, and... and that." "I'll go and see Liz Francis." "Again." "Don't let anyone see that doll." "Whoever's doing this is trying to cause a lot of upset." "Sir." "OK." "I'll take it from here." "Thank you." "I've er...given her a mild sedative." "She'll be able to answer questions." "Thank you." "Yes." "It was Hopkins." "It was erm..." "It was like she'd caught him with something, some kind of papers." "She seemed angry at first, then he calmed her down." "What kind of papers?" "I couldn't see from here." "Then Hopkins went off somewhere and Cole made a beeline for the church." "So you followed him, just like that?" "What if he had something to do with Hale and Deakin?" "Erm..." "When I got there, he was on fire." "I used a fire extinguisher and I called an ambulance." "Did anybody see you?" "I could say, "As God is my witness", but it's not my style." "VILLAGERS CHANT:" "Witch!" "Witch!" "Witch!" "Witch!" "Stay here." "Witch!" "Witch!" "Witch!" "Matthew!" "Witch!" "Witch!" "Witch!" "Witch!" "Did you put him up to this?" "He's mad with grief." "He needs help." "Can't you see that?" "No." "You've all gone loopy yourselves." "When he shows up, you come to me." "Fine." "If you tell her to go back where she came from." "We wouldn't want her getting burnt, would we?" "That'll do." "Jed Fox, I'm arresting - Wait!" "Wait!" "Just..." "Just let it go." "Please." "I'll get Uniform to put someone outside your door." "No, you won't." "It's just a broken window." "Sir, I've just spoken to Liz Francis." "I think we should check Cole's desk." "Cullen, Conver, Cochrane..." "But no Cole." "Why would Matthew not register as a patient with his own father?" "Clifford,Josephine Pandora." "Sir?" "Yeah." "What do you reckon?" "Part of a secret porn collection?" "Could be." "Say Hopkins catches him with the dirty pictures, she goes ballistic." "I'm not in the habit of going ballistic, Sergeant." "Except with police officers who fail to apply for a search warrant." "Mrs Hopkins." "Now you're here, perhaps you can help." "Does this mean anything to you?" "Mrs Hopkins, we have a witness who saw you arguing with Dr Cole just before he was attacked." "Apparently there was some altercation about some papers " "Nonsense." "Photographs perhaps." "He's a Christian." "A Christian doctor." "Do those words mean anything to you?" "You'd rather put your faith in herbs and spells." "Just like all the other heathens!" "It's a sickness in the village." "Just like it always was." "♪ Firelight and sing refrain" "♪ Vanquish darkness with her name" "♪ Evil spirits... ♪ Please... ♪ Burning... ♪" "How did you do that?" "O-level chemistry." "It's phosphorus." "It burns in the atmosphere at room temperature." "So find a solvent to make a solution and hey presto, the solvent evaporates and the phosphorus burns." "Can you test for traces in the victim?" "Cole's clothes are covered in fire extinguisher." "I might get something from Hale." "George, if this is only O-level chemistry, then anyone can do it, can't they?" "And they could get the chemicals from any school laboratory." "I pity the youth of today." "Health and safety wouldn't let them near it in a million years." "Miss?" "Oh, Lucy." "Hi." "I don't think you're a witch." "Thank you." "She wanted you to know." "Come on." "Hello, Matthew." "Remember that brick?" "Matthew?" "Can you hear me?" "Stone." "And cold." "What's that?" "The altar." "Evil." "Pictures." "What pictures, Matthew?" "Were they your pictures?" "Matthew..." "Matthew, did you know Jo Clifford was one of your father's patients?" "She's 19." "You think she should tell me every time she goes out?" "Look, Dr Cole will probably die in the next few hours." "His son seems to be having some kind of a breakdown and I need to talk to your daughter." "Alan, if Jo knows anything " "Don't go on at him." "Agnes." "Inspector, can I have a word with you for a moment, please?" "A witch's altar." "He came to my surgery last night deeply disturbed." "I tried to give him a sedative, which he rejected violently." "I asked him to show me the place." "Did he say where it was?" "I know he used to take photographs down at Fine Shade Woods." "Miss Malpas, why would Matthew come to you if he was feeling upset?" "He's been my patient for the past few years." "Not that his father would know that." "Matthew worshipped his mother." "She died last year." "Matthew thinks Hopkins persuaded Cole to help her on her way." ""Records Past Present Sins."" "Someone shoved it under the door." "Oh, and...take a look at this." "These have just come in from the lab." "So..." "Matthew Cole took 'em and his dad Dr Cole got hold of them." "And if Hopkins caught Cole with them then " "She maybe attempted to send them the way of their sexually deviant clergy." "We saw it with our own eyes." "A priest and his curate burnt alive." "Do these things just happen?" "Are they natural?" "No." "No way." "Who is it who has made known her hatred of all things holy?" "Who is it who has undermined the medical care of our good doctor by peddling her potions?" "Who is it who has poisoned poor Matthew's mind?" "First she turns her witch's brew against our church, then our doctor and now his son." "The only question is:" "who's next?" "Well, come on, then." "What are we waiting for?" "That's enough!" "You're too late, Barnaby." "You've had your chance." "Making an arrest, Barnaby?" "Not before time." "For crying out loud, you're a justice of the peace." "How many more have to die for his incompetence?" "Margaret Hopkins, I'm arresting you for incitement to civil disorder." "You do not have to say anything " "Lay off, Barnaby!" "We will get to the bottom of this." "And I promise you this... when we do make an arrest, it won't be any kind of witch." "Come on." "Phoo!" "Talk about a death cult." "Brilliant." "I just..." "This bulb..." "I've got the one we need." "I don't suppose you've got a plaster, do you?" "Did you send this?" "We've reprinted some of Matthew's negatives." "Perhaps this will jog your memory, Mrs Hopkins." "There.?" "Now, it seems that Dr Cole kept these hidden in his surgery." "That's hardly appropriate, is it?" "Given that Miss Clifford was one of his patients and will inherit her father's empire." "How dare you." "They were sent to him as a warning against the evil influence the pornographer was having on his poor son." "Sir?" "Call from the hospital." "Tell them I'll get back to them." "They found something on Matthew Cole." "It sounded urgent." "Interview terminated at 20:50 hours." ""Confessing the cat to be her kindred, familiar spirit, she" - ow - "submitted her person to be weighed against the Holy Bible, and being found lighter was convicted of witchcraft and taken to a place of execution."" ""Weighed against the Holy Bible." What does that mean?" "I guess fat was a feminist issue back in 1660." "Oh, come on." "It's not your fault." "I should never have come here." "400 years and I've stirred the whole thing up again." "Nothing's changed." "No." "What can you tell me about this photograph, Matthew?" "We found it on you." "Matthew, can you hear me?" "Who took this photograph, Matthew?" "Someone is trying to scare you, Matthew." "It's nothing to do with a witch." "Yeah, all right." ""This is DS Scott." "Please leave a message."" "Scott... call me as soon as you get this, please." "I need you to help me." "And what happened to leaving your mobile on?" "Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word, for mine eyes have seen thy salvation." "Not saying goodbye?" "I didn't want to wake you up." "Can I call round later?" "See you later, then." "Morning, sir!" "What happened to you?" "I had to interview Margaret Hopkins single-handed last night." "You've arrested Hopkins?" "Yes, I did." "For her own good." "The evidence against her was circumstantial." "I had to let her go." "Well, what about the pictures?" "She's seen the light at last about Dr Cole." "It seems there was more than one photographer." "Take a look." "Who took this?" "The person who builds altars in the woods." "I thought I asked you to keep your mobile on." "Dan?" "'Dan, it's Liz." "Listen, I know who it is." "I can't believe we missed it." "Meet me at the church, yeah?" "'" "Sir?" "Liz?" "Liz!" "Liz!" "Liz!" "Scott!" "Liz!" "And apart from there being no straw doll, everything else was the same?" "It looks that way." "I'm analysing the residues on Hale's clothing." "And?" "Still checking on the phosphorus." "There's definitely some kind of industrial solvent present." "Pin it down, George." "Get the names of all the suppliers." "Job for Sergeant Scott, isn't it?" "No, it's not this time." "I'd like you to do me the favour, please." "You can call me on my mobile." "I've got a drinks party to go to." ""Dan, it's Liz." "Listen, I know who it is." "I can't believe we missed it." "Meet me at the church, yeah?"" "Hello." "Were you looking for Miss Francis?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I think I was." ""I can't believe we missed it."" ""Executed this day, most falsely protesting her innocence."" "Er..." "ladies and gentlemen, welcome." "As you might have heard, my next appearance in the press is likely to be in the obituary column, which is why I thought it only fair to introduce you to our project for the manor before it goes to the planning department later on today." "And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Alan Clifford Hospice." "A fully equipped oasis, where rationally minded people will be able to end their days on this glorious planet." "Or should I say..." "God's Earth?" "As it says in the good book somewhere " "Mrs Hopkins will know it chapter and verse " ""In my end is my beginning."" "And so, good people, I give you the future of Midsomer Parva." "In this way, I hope to ensure I shan't be leaving you completely." "When I've gone, my trusted nurse Agnes Waterhouse, and my brilliant if unconventional medical advisor Kate Malpas, will run the centre for the benefit of you all." "It's very impressive, Mr Clifford." "Shame your daughter wasn't here to witness it." "I haven't seen her, but if I do, Inspector, you're the first to know." "Mrs Hopkins." "Look." "There goes your witch, Barnaby." "Let me go." "Miss Clifford, I believe that you took this photograph." "I believe that you seduced Matthew after posing for him in the woods." "Now, Matthew started a second roll of film halfway through your little photo shoot." "You took the first one from him when he was asleep." "You left him the second, but with one extra shot on it." "This one...which you took." "Why?" "I wanted to wind up Cole." "He comes on like he's this really sympathetic GP, and I thought he was all right." "Then he starts wanting to examine me." "Well, did you complain?" "I told him I was thinking about joining his church." "He loved that." "He said we should go on holiday together." "And was Matthew going to get a postcard?" "Matthew was part of the plan." "Daddy thinks he's pulled a teenager, but, oops, Matthew got there first." "His dad treats him like dirt." "Oh, and you don't." "We had a laugh." "Think this is a laugh, do you?" "Look, I'm sorry, OK?" "Yes, all right." "So you heard about the pig's head up in the church, and what?" "You decided to spice things up with Matthew, did you?" "I wanted to see how they liked having a real witch." "I got a pig's head from the kitchen and made an altar in the woods." "I tried to get rid of it after Cole got burnt." "In fit of conscience?" "Yes!" "I gave Matthew some of Kate Malpas's herbal stuff." "Yes, I took the picture and sent the sexy ones to his dirty old man." "But that's it, OK?" "I didn't try and kill his dad." "I didn't even get his message until this morning." "What message?" "I think he'd realised it was Matthew who'd taken the pictures of me." "He wanted to meet in the church, but I'd left my in Dad's room." "Matthew?" "Oh, God!" "What have I done?" "Talk to him, Jo." "If he seems not to hear, talk to him." "Excuse me." "Barnaby." "You've done what?" "Not before time, Barnaby, eh?" "We're still doing your work for you." "Sort it out, mate." "I kept thinking of what Liz had said in that last message." "She was reading the parish records." "I went to see what she'd found." ""Executed this day, most falsely protesting her innocence," "Katherine Malpas."" ""Records past, present, since." Sir, it's got to be her." "Miss Malpas." "Why didn't you mention this before?" "Advertise that you were related to a witch over the past few days, if you lived here?" "I wouldn't want to live here at all." "Unless I wanted to make sure Alan Clifford's new hospice went ahead." "That is worth fighting for." "Is it worth burning people alive for?" "Katherine Malpas was murdered three centuries ago by bigots because they didn't understand her." "She cured their pigs." "Now, you seriously suppose she'd approve of me burning people alive because I don't share their beliefs?" "Would you excuse us for a moment?" "Do you think she's lying?" "I think " "Our killer is still at large." "Why don't you start to use your head?" "I seem to have got the crackling right." "It's nice and crispy." "You do that." "So, how's the witch hunt?" "The witch hunt is not concluded." "Witch hunts never are." "You burn one, you have to find another." "That's horrible, Cully." "It's true." "Everyone needs to have something they can feel good about hating." "Plus everyone loves a bonfire." "How's Daniel getting on with it all?" "Oh..." "Daniel." "Suddenly, ever since Liz Francis died, he's gone to pieces." "He's a human being." "Yes." "He's also a CID officer." "I mean, you cannot mix romance and policing, can you?" "And you're not a romantic?" "What was that song you used to sing?" "Erm... # Those fingers in my hair" "♪ That sly, come-hither stare" "♪ That strips my conscience bare?" "♪ It's witchcraft... ♪" "Do you remember, Tom?" "You gave me that LP as a going-away present." "A going-away present." "Oldest spell in the book, Dad." "Think of it as a going-away present." "When we got to the crypt, Alan Clifford's PA was there to see if there was anything about the church selling the chapel." "I'm sorry." "Oh, Tom!" "No Kate?" "She's been helping the police with their enquiries." "Whatever it was, they let her go." "She's on her way home." "Right." "I'll tell everyone you'll be down in a minute." "No sign of Jo." "'Parva Manor." "Agnes Waterhouse speaking.'" "'Hello?" "'" "Scott, get yourself to the manor house and bring Kate Malpas with you." "We may need her." "I'm sorry about what happened to your Dad." "Matthew." "Dad?" "Jo?" "It's me." "I'd..." "I'd really like you to be here tonight." "Jo." "You should speak to him - go to him, talk to him, while you still can." "I'm sure Kate was right about what they said." "I don't want to be half asleep at the party." "I wouldn't worry about Kate." "Agnes?" "What are you..." "Kate?" "Sshh!" "Let Kate take care of things after we've gone." "Oh...for pity's sake." "What..." "I love you, Alan." "We may not have had the perfect life together, but we'll have the perfect death." "KNOCK ON DOOR Mr Clifford!" "Mr Clifford!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Get off him, you bitch!" "Agnes Waterhouse, I arrest you for the murders of Alex Deakin, Jim Hale and Elizabeth Francis." "How many of these has he taken?" "How many?" "Enough!" "Take these, Alan." "Please, it's an antidote." "They're poison!" "What is happening?" "She's trying to frame Miss Malpas here." "Everything was going so well between us." "Then suddenly Kate this..." "Kate that..." "Kate the other!" "You were the one person to stand between her and her final ambition." "To die the perfect death with the man she loved." "Dad?" "SIRENS" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "The only trouble was we hadn't heard about the first Katherine Malpas." "So you had to send us a clue, didn't you?" "Records past..." "present and since." "You'd been looking through the parish records and you found the perfect scenario." "Your rival was related to a witch." "When Liz Francis decided to revive the straw woman ceremony, she unwittingly presented you with an ideal opportunity." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Don't you?" "I wondered, did you ever take O-level chemistry?" "Methylbenzene." "Toluene, to give it its industrial name." "It's a solvent, as I think you know." "Perfect for dissolving volatile chemicals like phosphorus." "I found that behind your drugs fridge." "And... ..there were these." "Miss Waterhouse?" "My last patient was a school lab technician." "Lovely man." "He had leukaemia." "He showed me the experiment they used to do with phosphorus." "It was his favourite trick." "So... after Alex Deakin had made his protest to Mr Clifford on the morning of the straw woman's ceremony, what did he do?" "He invited you into the vicarage for a coffee?" "'I told him I could influence Alan to reconsecrate the chapel." "Poor man." "He was so desperate, he actually believed me.'" "He was sick." "Mentally unstable." "Religious belief is a manifestation of mental illness in my book." "'So I medicated him." "I gave him a sedative." "I put it in his coffee.'" "'I chose the moment when I knew Liz Francis was busy with the children." "I knew her stupid straw woman was in the shed.'" "After the death of his beloved Alex, I knew that Hale would go to the church that night to pray." "I'd taken Alan's key." "I put the pig's head on the altar... poured toluene onto his robes." "It was quite impressive." "The others were easy." "Cole left a message on Jo's mobile." "I picked it up and went to meet him at the church." "Why Liz?" "She'd read the parish records." "She knew I'd read them, and she worked out what I'd done." "After she'd arranged to meet me at the church, I found her there alone." "So you...burned her alive." "I had to." "Kate?" "Kate." "For what's it's worth..." "I hope you'll stay." "Thank you." "Do you know why that pub's called The Oak?" "No." "There used to be an old tree on that spot." "The first Katherine Malpas was hanged there." "Hanged?" "There were no witches burnt in this village." "Only straw women." "Still, everyone loves a good bonfire, eh?" "ITFC Subtitles CATHERINE FOWELL  SEAN SUTTON"