"Mom, guess what I found in your closet." "It's Uncle Wayne's." "I was just holding it for him." "You were holding your high-school yearbook for him?" "Oh." "Yeah, I don't know why." "Oh, my God, look at your mom's hair..." "Totally rocking "The Rachel."" "Okay, I had that first." "She copied me." "Dina, you were captain of the basketball team?" "Hell, yeah, I was." "Check out those short shorts." "She had to get two haircuts to pull those off." "Hey, one and a half." "Little tip." "Am I washing the glasses wrong, Stephanie?" "Well, I mean, it's not really a matter of right and wrong, but, yes." "Do you remember your training?" "You want to twist the wrist gently but with authority." "Mm." " Should I show you?" " Yeah." "You see the difference?" "Not really." "Can you show me some more?" "Okay." "Mom, you were in the 420 Club?" "I guess that explains the other thing I found in your closet." "Who are you..." "Nancy Drew?" "Stop going in my closet." "Actually, what are you even doing here?" " It's almost midnight." " Okay." "Oh, no, the stone fell out of my engagement ring." "Jennifer, I'm not blaming you for this." "Thanks." "But this is what happens when you don't listen to my instructions the first time." "I need a wrench." "Ugh." "Frank Perinsky." "Oh, yeah." "He just opened a sporting-goods shop down by the old mall." "What, he still lives in town?" "He was the hottest guy in high school." "Yeah, he was attractive." " He was no Toby Rollins." " Hmm." "Uh, Jen, you've got customers." "Jen?" "Jen?" "Frank Perinsky was so shy and broody." "We lost our virginity to each other." "It was so sweet." "We never told anyone because we never wanted to lose the magic." "It might've been the last perfect moment in my life." "Hurt like a son of a bitch." "Frank Perinsky..." "I totally lost my virginity to that guy." "What?" "Oh, my God." "Frank was your first?" "Why did you tell me it was Todd Capell?" "I don't know." "I lied." "It feels dopey now, but Frank said that if we told other people, we would..." "Lose the magic?" "Yeah." "Wait." "How did you..." "Oh, my God." " Really?" " Yeah." " You were spying on us?" " Wait." "What?" "No, crazy." "Frank was my first too." "Yeah." "He told me the exact same things he told you." "Did he tell you that you were his first too?" "Son of a bitch." "Mm." "When?" "Tony Pasquali's Fourth of July party summer after sophomore year." "Son of a bitch." "Mm." "Before or after the fireworks." " Before?" " Wha... damn..." "And ugh." "What time exactly?" "I don't know." "I don't want to know." " I do." " So do I." " What time?" " I don't remember." "Neither do I." "Mm." "Frank cannot get away with this." "No." "You think you could get his address?" "Duh, I work for the nation's 8th-largest parcel-delivery service, so..." "Maybe." "Wow." "This guys sounds like a grade "A" douche bag." "Yeah." "So what's the plan, ladies?" "We're gonna go to his house, and we're gonna tie him up and weigh him down with stones, and then we're gonna throw him in the lake." "We are not gonna do that." " We are not gonna do that." " Nope." "But when we're done with him, he is gonna wish he never, never, never..." "Stolen our sweet, sweet hymens." "Hymens!" "Hymens!" " We'll be right back." " Shh!" "Shut up." " You shut up." " Stop talking so loud." "You're talking too loud." "Do you have the stuff?" "Are you home, Frank?" "Take that!" "You took my cherry." "Here, take this cherry!" " Ah!" " Take that!" "Really?" "Oh, no." "We're out of ammo." "I got it." "What are you doing?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "I may have overcompensated." "Crap, let's go!" "Let's go." "I'm very disappointed in you, Jeff!" "Who's out there?" "And what is going on?" "Run!" "Run!" "Where are you going?" "I'm telling you..." "The stone's a fake." "A fake." "What kind of idiot do you think I am?" "That's a family heirloom." "My grandfather bought that ring." "My mistake." "Your grandfather's an idiot." "I can't believe it." "All these years I pitied my friends 'cause my ring was so much nicer than theirs, and now your idiot grandfather's taken that away." "Jeweler's words, not mine." "Jennifer Doyle?" "Frank Perinsky?" "What..." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I found this bag on my front lawn." "I did not know you still lived here." "I saw you and Dina Simac last night." "That was..." "So immature of us." "I'm sorry." " No, no." "Stop." " We..." "The only apology I came here for was the one that I need to give to you." "Obviously, you guys figured out what a jackass" "I was in high school, so I totally deserved every part of that super-weird revenge thing last night." "Well, at least I talked Dina out of pooping in your bushes." "No, you didn't." "Wha..." "Look, Jennifer, that Fourth of July, that was just crazy and ridiculous." "And I am so sorry for being a complete tool." "I should've spent the rest of that night begging you to be my girlfriend." "It's probably my biggest regret in high school..." "Well, that and my... my frosted tips." "You mean your douche-bag horns?" "Oh!" "Douche-bag horns?" "Yeah, look who's talking, miss "I invented The Rachel."" "Hey, I had that haircut six months before she did." "It's amazing seeing you." "You know, I still think about you every time I hear" "Only Want To Be With You on the radio?" "Oh, my God." "Only Want To Be With You..." "That is the best." "Let me take you to dinner." "Let me prove to you that I'm not the idiot I was in high school." "Yeah, you know, I don't know about that Frank." "It's..." "He thinks he can charm me into going out with him after he betrayed Dina and me?" "Ha!" "The two of us swore we'd take him down..." "Which is why I can't tell her I'm going out with him." "What is it, sweetheart?" "On the phone, you sounded like you'd seen a ghost." "No, Mom, not this time." "It's about Grandma's engagement ring." "Oh, dear." "I knew this day might come." " Huh?" " What are you talking about?" "What are you talking about?" "Stephanie's ring is a fake." " Who told you that?" " A jeweler." "Oh, a jeweler told you that?" "Suddenly they're the experts now?" "How did this even happen?" "I was showing Jennifer how to clean a glass." "Well, there's your problem right there." "Cleaning glasses with a priceless family heirloom?" "She's right." "What was I thinking?" "Jennifer and her soap spots." "No, Mom, this isn't Stephanie's fault." " What's going on?" " All right." "In that case, you can thank me." "I gave you a replica of your grandmother's ring and kept the real one." "Why would you do that?" "Well, I wasn't sure if the relationship was going to work out, and that ring is priceless..." "Or at least $14,000 with inflation." "I couldn't risk it ending up in some pawnshop in Reno." "I can't believe this." "I'll get you the real one." "There." "No harm done." ""No harm done"?" "Oh, God, Mom, it's still warm." "When you gave me that ring, you said the most heartfelt things about me and Stephanie and our future together." "I copied what you said in my vows word for word." "Oh, that's why you called yourself a big handsome bear of a man." "No, I-I wrote that part." "To find out that it was all built on a lie," "I mean, I can't believe you didn't have faith in Stephanie." "Well, that's not true." "I have all the faith in the world in Stephanie." "You don't believe in me?" "What?" "Of course I do." "Let's not grill the poor woman." "She has expressed faith in me, and I think that we should honor that." "I'm sorry, dear, but your first wedding was a disaster." "And now you have the real ring." "I think things worked out perfectly, don't you?" "No, mom, I don't." "I really don't." "Did you see how guilty my mom looked?" "This is gonna be awesome!" "When Mom feels guilty about something, she tries buying your forgiveness with gifts." "In high school, she slammed my hand in the car door, and I turned those mangled fingers into a German Shepherd and a go-kart." "Emotionally blackmailing your own mother?" "I know, right?" "And this is the worst she's ever betrayed me." "If I play this smart, who knows?" "It's like I'm on the Price Is Right." "Are you sure about this?" "Yeah." "I've seen that show, like, 100 times." "Oh." "No." " No way." " Mm." " This is fun." " Yeah, it is." "Well, when are we gonna do this again?" "You know, I don't know." "I feel kind of weird 'cause I didn't tell Dina, and I just..." "I really don't like keeping things from her, so..." "Well, if you think it'll hurt her, maybe you shouldn't tell her." "Yeah, maybe you're right." "I guess what Jennifer doesn't know can't hurt her." "I'm just thinking of her." "Hey, stranger." "Haven't see you in forever." "I know, right?" "Do you want to hang out tonight after work?" " Tonight." " Yeah, tonight, tonight." "Um, ooh, you know what?" "I have a Gretchen thing." "Mm." "Yeah, it's just dumb daughter stuff." "Don't ask." "Um, what about tomorrow night, though?" "Mm, tomorrow..." "Work is crazy, you know, with, like, the holidays coming up and all that." "In five months?" "What are you, the holiday police?" "I just think it's great that you and Dina have remained friends after all these years." "Oh, yeah." "I mean, we hit a rough patch a while back." "Believe me, it took a lot of candy corn to get back on her good side." "Candy corn?" "I didn't know anybody ate 'em outside of Halloween." "Oh, yeah." "She loves candy corn." "She says they're her favorite vegetable." "Candy corn?" "Are you frickin' kidding me?" "Candy corn?" "This is my favorite." " Really?" " Yeah." "It's mine too." "I always say it's my favorite vegetable." "That is what I always say, and Jennifer always makes fun of me for it." "Oh, come on." "What could Jennifer possibly think is better than candy corn?" "Pepperoni sticks?" "How did you know?" "I just thought you might like what I like." "Thanks for coming, sweetheart." "I fell terrible about this misunderstanding." "Do you know how painful it is to find out that my own mother doesn't believe in me?" "It's heartbreaking." "How can I make it up to you, sweetie?" "I don't know what you could possibly do." "Well, I did think of one thing, but it seems so mercenary." "I don't want it to seem like I can just buy my way out of this." "I'm listening." "Well, you and Stephanie never had a proper honeymoon." "How about I send you and Stephanie on a second honeymoon to Hawaii?" "Well..." "Wayne Doyle, come on down!" "Hawaii?" "Your mother is sending us to Hawaii?" "That's amazing!" "Yeah, I know." " We're not taking it." " What are you talking about?" "You never take the first showcase." "It's the second showcase that always has a car." "Everyone knows that." "Okay, that's crazy." "She's sending us on a free trip to Hawaii." "We haven't been on a vacation in three years." "Wayne, I need this." " Yeah, but..." " I need a vacation!" " Sweetie." " Okay." "Okay." " You seem happy." " What?" "Oh, no, I'm just clearing my throat, you know." "Oh." "Well, what about you, though?" "You've been smiley pants all night." "Oh, that's only 'cause I'm drinking for free." "I am drinking for free, right?" " Yeah." " Okay." "Is that Only Want To Be With You?" "Yep." "Why is your ringtone Only Want To Be With You?" "I was... you know what?" "I was just going through some old CDs and listening to some of, you know, our old songs, and I'm going out with Frank." "What?" "Are you kidding?" " It's not serious." "I'm sorry." " Ugh." "Look, it was stupid to keep it from you." "I know." "I was just..." "I was kind of embarrassed." " Do you hate me?" " No, I don't hate you." "I have to admit I'm a little disappointed." "Oh, my God!" "You are going out with Frank too!" "What kind of a friend does something like that?" "I could ask you the same question." "Ugh." "It's so weird." "Like, there's so many people in here, and none of you have a cell phone." "Like, how did you Snapchat?" "We didn't." "Wow." "But you look so happy..." "Not so much right now." "What's going on?" "You don't need to know details." "You just need to know that Dina's wrong, and I'm right." "Oh, and now you're lying to your own daughter." "When does it stop, Jennifer?" "Wow." "So much for B.F. forever heart." "Oh, please." "That's so cliche." "Everybody wrote that." "Did everyone write, "Jennifer, you are my soul mate." ""I never would've gotten through junior year without you." ""That was the hardest time of my life." ""You are the freakin' queen of advice." " Love you, skank."" " Skank." "You were a skank." "You were a bigger skank." "That's so sweet." "I'm sorry." "Hey, there, sports fans, come on down to the grand opening of Perinsky sports..." "He's the skank." "For all your sporting-equipment needs." "I suddenly have an urge to go to a sporting-goods store." " What about you?" " Yeah, let's do it." " Hi." " How can I help you?" "We're here to see Frank Perinsky." "Oh, sorry." "He's out for the moment." "Speak of the devil." " Hey, baby." " Son of a bitch!" "Okay, so what are we gonna do?" "I mean, we could be the bigger people and just walk away." "Well, that doesn't sound like us at all." "I know." "It felt wrong saying it." "Listen, Frank ruined our grand opening." "It's only fair we ruin his." "All right." "So you buy two, you get one for free." " Okay." " All this is..." "Hi, Frank." "Well, hello, Jennifer." "I'm glad you came by." "Hey, can you, uh, give me a second?" " Sure." " Thanks." "Yeah." " Hey." " Hey, you." " Hi." " I came to give you a kiss" " for good luck for opening." " Oh!" "Hey, um, do you know what the most romantic spot in the store is?" " Where?" " Aisle three." "Meet me there." "Yeah." " Hey, hon?" " Hmm?" "Can you, um, go get me the invoice for the elliptical machine that just came in this morning?" " Sure." " I think it's in the stockroom." " Okay." " Thanks, babe." "I guess you figured it out again." "Look, I'm..." "I'm sorry..." "But..." "You're just so beautiful..." " Mm." " Both of you." " Aw." " And... and..." "I'm so weak." "Oh." "And before you yell at me, just know that there are children in this store." "Oh, Frank." "We're not here because we're angry." "I mean, we were at first, of course, but..." "Yeah, we were." "We realized this could be fun." " Fun?" " A lot of fun." "I like fun." "Is there somewhere in the store we can go where there aren't any kids?" "They're not allowed in the gun section." "Ooh." "But I think my office would be better." "I mean, we were talking about it, and we thought," ""God, why should just one of us have you when both of us want you?"" "I mean, that's just selfish." "Right?" "We're anything but selfish." "Finally, somebody gets me." "Oh, you're gonna get got, all right." "It's about to get much, much better." " Mommy!" " Guys." "Guys, open the door." "Guys?" "Frank, I found the..." "Not again." "Attention, shoppers..." "Perinsky Sports is happy to announce their grand opening super special." "For the next ten minutes, everything in the store is free." "No, no." "No, it's not." "Don't listen to her." "Put... put that back!" "No, give me that." "Maggie, Wayne and I have been thinking about it, and we would love to take you up on your generous offer." "It's a real honeymoon in Hawaii!" "Well, that's wonderful news, and you're so welcome." "I was so worried I'd made the wrong gesture." "I had something that I thought was even better, but I wasn't sure how you..." "Well, never mind." "You'll love Hawaii." " Better?" " No, no." "You've already accepted Hawaii." "Wait, wait, wait." "That wasn't binding." "We don't want Hawaii." "Hawaii's crap." "We were just being polite." "But the hurt is still too deep." "I fear I'll never trust again." "Wayne, what are you doing?" "This is it." "Showcase number two." "Okay." "Forget Hawaii." "I know exactly what you need." "It's a dune buggy." "It's a dune buggy." "It's a..." " A poem." " A what now?" "Hawaii was nothing but a cheap, craven attempt to buy your forgiveness, and you were right to reject it." "This poem speaks from my heart." "And when you read it, you'll know just how proud I am of you and Stephanie and how much I believe in your love." "A poem?" "I overbid." "First rule of Price Is Right..." "Never overbid." "This is worth ten Hawaiis." "I'm so happy we were able to work this out." "Now, both of you, come give Mommy a hug." "Oh." "Check..." "And mate." "Okay, so moving forward so we don't go through this again, we should probably clear the air on who we've slept with." "Good idea." "I'll start." "Carter Pedersen." "You're clear." "Scott Calish." "Technically, no." "Michael Mooney." " Michael Mooney." " Oh, no." " Yeah." " Wait." "Tell me it wasn't junior prom." "This is a bad game." "Very bad game."