"You killed that man." "JIM:" "I was driving Betts's car that night." "There's my black-magic Barbie." "The women cough up in canteen goodies, shampoo, conditioner, fags, whatever you can get out of them, and then you get a cut." "Look at it like this." "You're either the tax collector, or you're one of the mugs paying tax." "Let's see some ID." "Yeah, yeah, sure." "Hey!" "JIM:" "It's Ben's stuff." "It's gotta be crawling with his DNA." "Now, all you gotta do is buy another long blonde wig and transfer his traces onto it." "You're trying to frame him." "Do this for me and we can be together like we're supposed to be." "Janine?" "Do you know anything about voodoo?" "(JANINE SCREAMING)" "My eye!" "Ben Hennessey, we've recently acquired strong evidence linking you to a death by dangerous driving." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I don't know what you're talking about!" "It's your lucky day, Fenner." "You're free to go." "Oh, Jim." "You did it, Di." "I did it 'cause you're my husband and I love you." "I love you." "Oh, you'd better." "Hey, come on." "Let's go home." "Yeah." "Oh, I can't seem to get the stench of that place off me." "Here, have one of these." "Ooh." "I tell you, it's different gravy on the other side of the bars and on the nonce wing." "The things I found in that lock-up, though." "Those photos of Karen." "Her underwear." "Any other woman would think you were in love with her." "I hated her." "In my mind, I was gathering evidence to use against her." "To expose her lie." "Oh, God, Di, you do believe me, don't you?" "I was just so scared, seeing all those things." "I just didn't want them to have anything to do with you." "I even thought about putting them in Hennessey's van with the wig." "You didn't, though, did you?" "Jesus, Di, my prints are all over them." "Of course not." "And you burnt them like I said?" "Promised, didn't I?" "Oh, we're a great team, you and me." "Coming clean proved that to me, you know." "And no more secrets." "Never." "You're my wife." "Well, technically I'm not." "We still haven't consummated our vows." "We've got a lot of time to make up." "Wait a minute." "I've got a surprise for you." "I still can't see properly." "Keep still." "It will get better, won't it?" "Well, you should have thought about that before you decided to stick something in it." "If you're thinking that you're gonna be getting out of any of your work, you can think again." "Hospital wing is for sick inmates, not skivers." "Listen, yeah, I didn't really understand what that eye doctor was going on about." "And, I mean, I'm just asking, yeah." "I will be able to see again, won't I?" "The ophthalmologist says your cornea's scratched, so keep taking Chloramphenicol to avoid any endophthalmitis, you might make some progress." "Either way, you only need one eye to see your way to the work room." "Put a patch on, would you?" "Then it's back to the wing with you." "No, but I'm still in shock, and I lose my balance." "So tread carefully." "And this isn't all." "I've got something else to help us." "It's a predictor kit." "It tells you when you're ovulating." "I've been testing for days now, and it couldn't be a better time." "So, come on." "Let's make a little Jim Junior." "Cheers." "It's no better, then?" "It's moved to my thigh now, and paracetamol doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference." "It's all in your mind." "It's a load of rubbish." "I'm gonna do you a favour." "No, don't." "It's the best place for it." "Trust me." "If you throw it away, it makes the curse 1 0 times more powerful." "It could kill me." "Actually, when I was in Haiti in the '70s," "I saw a fully grown man bleed from the ears from a voodoo curse." "Mind you, he was the village idiot, and suggestion is a powerful thing to simpletons." "No, I think Mr Hedges is right." "Just burn it with the rest of the rubbish." "You get on with clearing up and mind your own business, you." "Twix." "Two cheese and onion." "Oh, and give me that moisturiser." "Thanks." "Here." "How much have I got left?" "1 2p." "No, man, she my cellmate." "Oh, all right, Darlene?" "Want a bite?" "I want everything, thank you." "Oi, I've saved for that." "What else you have there?" "Hey, get off, you greedy cow." "Just play along, girl." "You have 1 6 there." "Me have to take another one for the taxation." "But you ain't got no right." "Is something wrong?" "Yeah, too right there is." "This two-faced shitbag's trying to nick my stuff." "Didn't you explain?" "You're just being taxed, Tina, like everybody else." "What flipping tax?" "Protection." "Protection, from what?" "From me, lard-ass, and I don't come cheap." "So that'll make up for the tax, and I think I'll take those as well." "That's for being a gobby fat bitch." "Trust me." "Your hips'll thank me." "Me don't have no choice, girl." "Oi, you want your cut or not?" "Me share it with you later." "What's it now, Janine?" "What happened?" "My God, you look like Long John Silver." "Save your sympathy, ladies." "She did it to herself, trying to get out of doing an honest day's work." "And you lot have had to make up for her laziness." "I ain't lazy, right." "It was an accident." "Caught meself with a pencil." "(SYLVIA SCOFFING)" "Of course it was an accident, love." "Yeah, how long you got to keep it on for?" "Don't know." "Looks all right, though." "I reckon it gives me an edge." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Don't tell me." "Spoon was still in the mug?" "Look, I'm gonna go and...you know." "See you." "That gotta hurt." "Wow, they're nice clips, Ju." "She paid her tax today yet?" "I don't know what's wrong with me." "I mean..." "I've been dying to get my hands on you, and then when I do..." "It's the build-up, love." "Too much pressure." "It's hardly surprising when you think about it." "Look, Di." "You know I hardly see my kids." "I'd love to have a baby." "I was expecting too much on your first day out." "I ovulate every month, remember." "I just feel so ashamed." "Well, don't." "Anyway, there's other ways you can prove you're a man." "So come on." "Make sure our child's got a future, eh?" "Your right hand up a bit." "That's perfect." "Makes a change to put up something positive instead of just warnings." "Yeah, well, I've managed to secure a good education budget this year, so let's hope for some happy campers." "WOMAN:" "Come on." "Hurry up." "Oh, and there'll be no more stitching shrouds." "I've cancelled that contract." "From now on, the women will be making novelty candles." "Hello?" "Fenner." "Tull." "Beverly." "Hollamby." "Bodybag." "I wanted to talk to you about what you said this afternoon." "About this place being a shit heap or about us running low on gin?" "Oh, no, I don't think I'd have mentioned that to you, now, would I?" "About your visit to Haiti." "The voodoo curse." "That's right." "You lived with a witch doctor for a while, didn't you?" "Really?" "Well, so he said." "Had a magic wand, at any rate." "Oh, look, Battenberg." "It..." "It's just this flaming doll." "If you know anything from your experience..." "No, no, no." "Look, I'm sorry." "Be fair, Bev." "You said you studied under him for a year." "Did she?" "But that is a load of hokum." "I mean, we know that now." "I'm just not gonna be dragged back in there." "Please, you said you were running low on gin." "Now, I know it's rubbish, but I just want an end to it." "If you know how to, well, how to lift a curse, I could see you right." "Well, I know what you're supposed to do." "Well, I mean, if you believe in all that titty." "But I don't think you're going to like it." "Well, well." "So Jim Fenner gets off once again." "Correction." "Jim's got nothing to get off of." "He's innocent, and it's been proved." "I assume you've done your research since we spoke?" "Yeah." "It's funny, Karen never mentioned being hassled by a maintenance worker." "Seems this Hennessey chap kept his obsession very close to his chest." "Yeah, well, he would, wouldn't he?" "So Karen's innocent." "I'm innocent." "So it would seem." "But what about you?" "You and Betts ruined what should have been the best day of our lives, but we've come up with a little plan for you to make amends." "You're out, Jim, and you've got your meal ticket." "Consider yourselves lucky." "Pretty shitty meal ticket, then, if I haven't got a job." "I'm sure there are some streets need sweeping down King's Cross." "Well, I'll make sure they keep a position open for you, then." "Reckon you'll need it once I make that tribunal case stand." "Or have you forgotten I won it just before I was arrested?" "There's no way Area would consider having you back, let alone as wing governor." "Jim is an innocent man wrongly accused." "And he's repaid by losing his job?" "I don't flaming think so." "That tribunal proved that you're the reason he was passed over." "Sounds like a cause to me." "Your speciality, Grayling, equal opps and all that." "A few funny handshakes with the right suits." "Isn't that how it works?" "I'm flattered you credit me with so much influence." "Cut the shit, Neil." "Everyone knows you're the one that can swing it, given your personal connection with Jim." "Leave it, Di." "He'd obviously rather take his chances in court." "Look, if I... if I could pull a few strings, you'd drop all charges, yeah?" "A deal is a deal." "I can't guarantee anything." "All I can do is try my best." "Yeah?" "Well, you've got one week, so you better hope your best's good enough, 'cause otherwise you're finished." "You know what?" "I have to keep pinching myself." "Couple of weeks ago, I was banged up with the scum of the earth." "Now I've really got the chance to make a difference." "We have, you mean." "Of course." "I don't know what I'd do without you, Di." "I mean, who would be a better principal officer?" "Yeah, well, give us a chance." "I'm not even through the door yet." "Yeah, I know, but it's obvious, isn't it?" "And then I can be around to protect you." "Oh, Jim, I was so relieved when I heard you were out." "Did you get my card?" "Yeah, thanks, Sylv." "I hope Di told you there's no grudges on my part." "I know you were only trying to tell the truth." "Well, I never thought it would land you in such trouble." "Yeah, well, it's water under the bridge now." "And I hope I can rely on you from now on." "Well, yes." "Yes, of..." "No." "Grayling said we were getting a new wing governor, but he never said it was you." "And you knew all along." "Yeah, well, we just wanted to be sure." "You know, dot all the i's." "Well done, Jim." "It's only what you deserve." "You pulled a muscle or something?" "Wish it was that simple." "They're too small, man." "What size you wear, Tina?" "They might fit you." "You think I'd walk around in stolen shoes?" "You make me sick, you do." "Reckon they're Janine's size." "You hear me say you?" "Well, there's no point in them going to waste." "She should give them back." "Call yourself a lady?" "What you talk about, "lady"?" "You talk out of your scrawny lady backside." "They're my taxes good and proper, man." "Here." "Say what you want, Darlene." "I thought I knew you." "Me doing a job, girl." "If me not do it somebody worse will do it." "And none of you no get no kickback." "And Natalie Buxton rule in here." "We have to stay upon the right side." "Morning, ladies." "Tina." "Yeah." "Well, if the only friend you need in here is Natalie bleeding Buxton, then you're well set." "ARUN:" "I'll pray for you, Darlene." "From now on, girl scout, me am gonna pray for you." "With this." "It's like everyone's gone mentalist." "Makes me wish I'd never come back." "I mean, imagine Yvonne nicking from her own when she was top dog." "Yeah, well, we got a top bitch now." "More's the pity." "Yvonne would have sorted Buxton out good and proper." "Why don't someone say something?" "'Cause she's a psycho, mate." "Talking of psychos." "Holy shit." "SAUNDERS:" "In a suit?" "Is it me, or have things just got a million times worse?" "A word, sir." "Let me guess." "Is it Fenner?" "Wing governor?" "He wouldn't even have got a laundry job in his place without some major help." "You're telling me you had nothing to do with it?" "Not that I need to answer to you, but since you're asking, yes." "Yes, I pulled some strings!" "I didn't have a choice, Colin." "The tribunal?" "No falling on your own sword to spare the rest of us, then." "Would you?" "If Fenner brought me down, I'd never work again." "Odds on he'd worm his way back here anyway, but you wouldn't have me round to keep an eye." "There's no way I'm gonna be principal officer under him." "I'll walk first." "Oh, well, be my guest." "Where else are you gonna get a position like this with your record, eh?" "You've got a good deal here and a pension, security." "I need you." "The best place for Fenner is right where we can see him." "I'll make him pay for his malicious slander, but I'll do it my way." "With any luck, he'll slip on his own slime before I get the chance." "Now, are you with me or not?" "Should my ears be burning?" "More than your ears, Fenner." "That's no way to speak to your boss." "But I'll let it slide." "Lets start the way we mean to go on, eh?" "Someone's been sleeping in the knife drawer." "What do you want, Jim?" "I thought I'd address the women before the rumour machine steals my thunder." "And I'd like a formal introduction from the number one." "You know, protocol?" "(INMATES JEERING)" "Shush!" "Come on." "Calm down." "Shut it!" "Quiet!" "Right." "Let's get it out of the way for those of you who've been practising your witty little comebacks." "I have been proven innocent." "All charges dropped." "And it's been confirmed that a very dangerous character indeed," "Ben Hennessy, known to you lot as Ben Phillips, has been operating on the wing." "Now, this charlatan's caused a lot of damage, not least of all to your former wing governor, Miss Karen Betts and to myself." "Now, the good news is he's behind bars and I'm here to make sure that your safety's never compromised like that again." "A lot of you already know me." "Those of you who don't, well, you will." "I've got a lifetime of experience in this service, and if it's taught me one thing, there's no point in a "them and us" inside these walls." "I run a regime based on cooperation and respect." "Now, that works both ways." "You respect me, I'll respect you." "You don't, well, you'll wish you had." "Right, that's all for now." "Let's get to work, eh?" "All right, off to work." "GUARD:" "Come on." "Come on." "Hey, you." "Come on." "He's like a flipping boomerang." "He just keeps coming back." "Bit like you, Tine." "Fenner's more like herpes." "That keeps coming back and all." "Oh, God." "Aren't there enough things to complain about in here without making problems out of nothing?" "Excuse me." "What do you know?" "Shut up." "Stupid cow." "Well, I think he seems like a very nice man." "Well, that's your problem in a oner, isn't it?" "He's a man." "Bastards, the lot of them." "At least we know what the topic of conversation is going to be for the next six months." "Well, I don't care who the bloody wing governor is as long as it isn't Myers." "Hear, hear." "You!" "Tull!" "Oh, Mrs Hollamby, you look appalling." "PHYL:" "You've swollen up like a balloon." "No thanks to you." "All that "drink your own urine" nonsense." "You've been having me on." "Admit it." "I told you all I know." "I mean, I never believed it would work because I never believed in the stupid curse in the first place." "But if you want to drink your own wee four times a day..." "Four times a day?" "It is all to do with a regular dosage of uric acid." "You never said four times." "I can barely bear to choke it down once a day." "Well, then, don't." "I mean, I am only responsible for serving you tea and biscuits." "Ah, Mr Fenner, it's nice to have you back, sir." "It's good to be back, Buxton." "Well, you know what you said about meeting us individually?" "Well..." "I'll come and see you later, eh?" "Don't forget to keep a few chips back for your favourite wing governor." "And so it begins." "Eh?" "Corruption, that's what." "I asked for chips, you thick bint, not sexual favours." "How desperate do you think I am?" "You may be able to scam some of the newer girls, Fenner, but we know what colour your shit is." "Then you'll know just who it is you're mouthing off to, then, won't you?" "You're both sacked." "What?" "What?" "You heard." "Get those aprons off." "You're not the only ones who know how to use a mop and a ladle." "BEV:" "Talk about taking the piss." "What happen, sisters?" "Top dog says she wants a new radio." "Two of you, double the tax." "Get lost." "Shit a brick." "Hold on a second." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, Grandma, you hold on." "To me backside." "That's it." "Straw, camel..." "Back." "Sylv, if you're feeling that bad, why don't you just go home?" "What's that going to look like on Jim's first day at the helm?" "I don't want to let anyone down." "What's happening to me, Di?" "Here, get yourself comfy, and I'll make you a cuppa." "See how you feel." "Jim wouldn't expect you to fly the flag if you're feeling poorly." "I don't want him to think he can't rely on me." "But you've put in the years, love." "I mean, maybe now's the time, you know, to take things a bit easier." "(PHONE RINGING)" "How can I?" "This job's all I've got." "There's a letter for you at the gate, Sylv." "Oh, Colin will get it." "Won't you, Col?" "Yeah, of course." "I'll be right there." "All clear on the threes." "Her and Cake are taxing some other poor bastards." "TINA:" "All right then... (WHISPERING) We haven't got much time." "We've gotta get down to business." "So we all agree." "Buxton's gotta be stopped, yeah?" "I mean, if I had two good eyes, I'd level her myself." "No." "It's time we went official." "We've just got to decide who grasses." "Well, it ain't exactly grassing if it's to help your mates, is it?" "Well, you tell that to Buxton." "Yeah, and her cute little sidekick." "Darlene's made her bed." "So you go and tell Fenner that." "Hey, piss off!" "Janine's very keen to leather Buxton." "So here's your chance." "Yeah." "Yeah, because..." "Why should she, just because no one else has got the guts?" "Okay, okay, we'll draw straws." "It's the only fair way." "Yeah, but I bloody hope it is me, right, 'cause, you know, Janine Nebeski is m-a-d." "Wait there." "You know, I'm not being funny, Sylv, but you do smell a bit fusty." "Maybe you have got an infection." "Looks official." "Oh, dear God, what have I done now?" "Do you want another cuppa, Col?" "Thanks, but I haven't got time." "Actually, I should be going as well." "You take your time, Sylv." "I'll explain to Jim." "Nice one, Ju." "Yes, it'll be the last time I get to go in the kitchen." "Let's get on with it." "Yeah, bring it on." "Oh, Ju." "Oh, I don't mind." "Well, go on, then." "Yeah." "Whatever." "Brilliant." "It's that shoplifter from D-Wing." "She came bursting into my office, bold as you like, demanding oil of evening primrose for her PMT in capsule form, if you please." "Says it's her right as a woman." "Oil off the back of me hand, more like." "I hope you told her where to sling it." "Quick." "Zip up, Malcolm." "Someone's coming." "Oh, very funny." "Yeah, well, knock next time, like the rest of the staff." "Oh, don't act it, Jim." "Malcolm knows we're married." "Hadn't you better be heading home, seeing it's the end of your shift?" "Well, that's what I've come to tell you." "Sylvia has asked me to give her a lift up to Hampstead." "Why?" "Apparently, she's been left some house, and she wants me to go with her to collect the keys." "I thought she was at death's door." "Yeah, me, too." "But some aunt of hers has pegged it and left her the lot." "And that seems to have perked her up a bit." "It's all right for some, eh?" "Some very nice Georgian properties in Hampstead." "Yeah, well, let's just hope it's not a slum." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "Oh, no, good for Sylvia, I say." "I'll leave you to it." "Listen, Di." "When we're at work, you show me some respect." "Yeah, right, fine, but listen." "Now that Sylvia's come into some money, it's a perfect time to make me principal officer." "Well, it won't be such a blow to her, then, will it?" "I'll have to weigh it up." "Yeah, well, don't take too long." "It'd be best to break it to her when she's on a high, eh?" "Yeah." "Now's your chance." "He's on his own." "Go on." "She's in her cell, I told you." "Listening to our bloody CD player." "Look, how do I know she won't find out, eh?" "I mean, we already know some people can't keep their big gob shut." "I'd never, and I gave you my word." "And besides, breaking a pledge is a sin." "Look, we're not going to drop you in it." "Oh, no, we're right behind you, mate." "Promise." "Yeah, come on." "You was all "let me at her" an hour ago." "It was done fair and square, Janine." "All right!" "Fucking hell." "I'm just thinking, okay?" "(HUMMING SUSPENSEFUL TUNE)" "Sorry to bother you, sir." "It's Nebreski, isn't it?" "Nebeski." "Janine Nebeski." "I've got a complaint to make." "It's about that Natalie Buxton." "Only, you can't say I grassed her up or nothing 'cause she's off her head, right?" "You'd better come in here." "Are you sure this is the place?" "That's what it says here." "Flipping heck!" "It'll be riddled with dry rot and damp." "I mean, Margaret was 80, for goodness' sake." "And she never did have a husband to take care of things." "Come on." "Let's have a look." "DI:" "God bless Aunt Margaret." "(ALL WHISPERING)" "What happened with Fenner?" "And don't tell me saying you don't know." "Here." "Piss off, Darlene." "Yeah, you'll find out, Cake." "You reap what you sow." "DARLENE:" "What do you mean, reap?" "Reap what?" "TINA:" "Shut your cake-hole." "(COCKTAIL JAZZ PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Mr Fenner." "So are you here for our one-on-one?" "I don't recall this being in your list of possessions." "Where did you get it?" "The Costas gave it to me." "I did them a favour, and they were grateful." "Let's get one thing straight, love." "I've got radar when it comes to liars." "There's nowhere to hide." "Okay, so I've been organising things a bit since you've been away." "But somebody had to." "'Cause the girls were all over the place because they don't trust the people in charge." "And they trust you, do they?" "They look up to me." "They might not like me, but at least they know where they stand." "I think you've been pushing your luck." "Do you know that they really believe, still believe that you're a murderer?" "1 00°/°." "And that's mainly because those two Julie bitches keep stirring it up." "And without me, the Julies are all they've got." "Go on." "Get to the point." "You're not stupid, Mr Fenner, and neither am I." "We both know the women need someone on their side of the bars." "And they're gonna get it one way or other." "It's up to you whether you run away from it or you cash in on it." "Well, I mean, if sour milk's the only thing wrong with the kitchen, you're laughing." "I just need something to drink while I take it all in." "Drop of Armagnac?" "My very own cocktail cabinet." "Large or small?" "You sit down." "I'll pour." "Oh, dear." "I feel quite giddy." "Oh, after everything I've suffered." "Bobby, all the debt." "I just can't believe it." "It's like a dream." "And I didn't get a whiff of damp." "Did you?" "I'm going to have the place valued soon as I can." "So you're gonna sell it, then?" "Am I, thump." "I'm moving in." "This is it, Di." "This is where I'm going to spend my retirement." "Well, why wait till then to enjoy it, eh?" "I wouldn't want to work in a flipping women's prison if I had all this." "What's the point of working?" "You've made it." "Oh, no, I wouldn't want to give up me job, Di." "It's the companionship I'd miss, my sense of purpose." "Besides, I've got a very nice pension waiting for me." "No, I'll not forget where I came from." "Mr Fenner, a quick word, if you don't mind?" "I do, actually." "What is it?" "Well, we heard tell there were a couple of vacancies in the servery, and we wondered if you knew about our catering experience?" "We ran a particularly successful cantina at the British Golf Club in Marbella." "Spanish cuisine." "Do you see any Spaniards in here?" "Oh, and the soirées at the embassy, which we put together regularly for the ex-pat community." "Don't over-egg it, love." "You start tomorrow." "Just try not to poison anyone, eh?" "DARLENE:" "Oi, girls." "Right, you bunch of bitches, listen up!" "It seems my services haven't been appreciated in the right spirits by some of you." "Fine by me, but you don't get my protection for nothing." "So if anyone starts giving you hassle, don't come running to me." "(INMATES JEERING)" "Oi!" "From now on, you're on your own." "I couldn't care less what happens to any of you." "Except for you." "I take a great interest in grasses." "I promise you that." "Morning." "Ta." "Sylvia." "Didn't expect to see you here this morning." "No, in fact, I was very worried about you when Jim said he had to send you home yesterday, and I was gonna call round lunchtime to see if there's anything I could do." "But here you are, positively radiant." "I am feeling a lot better today." "Well, I can see that." "Skipping along like a gazelle." "If I may say so, a certain girlish bloom to your cheeks." "Well, you needn't worry about me anymore, Malcolm." "All that voodoo nonsense just caught me at a low ebb." "I've thrown the silly thing away and turned a new leaf." "It's amazing what a little good fortune can do to boost the immune system." "Well, as I've cleared my diary for you anyway, perhaps...perhaps you'd care to have a spot of lunch with me?" "Oh." "I know a lovely little restaurant." "Good food, cosy atmosphere." "That's if you're not too busy." "Oh, what a lovely idea!" "Well, in that case, I'll save my news till then." "Well, I look forward to it." "I'm not entirely convinced that this goes with my new look." "I've always thought the white sort of drained me." "Well, I think I look like a Grand Prix flag." "But the point is we now have access to practically everyone and everything in this prison." "Well, Tina, are you gonna show us the ropes, then?" "Yeah." "Right." "Well, first, you gotta marge the loaves." "Like so." "Good Lord, that's quick." "Bev, just look at that wrist action." "Yeah, well, the real trick is getting the right amount of marge on the knife." "You get dead fast once you've done thousands." "It's like..." "It's like a rhythm." "Here." "Do you want a go?" "Oh, I don't know." "I think I'd rather practise in private." "I mean, I'd be utterly intimidated with you standing over me." "I think we should just observe and take in your expertise." "You know, I would just die if I were mucking things up when the hordes arrived." "Okay." "Well, just shout if there's anything you don't understand." "Will do." "Cup of tea, darling?" "I'm parched." "I've got a valuer going round this morning, not that I'm interested in material goods or anything." "It's for insurance purposes, you know." "Quite a responsibility looking after all that family history." "But I owe it to poor Margaret." "What, poor gay Margaret who you blanked when she was alive?" "Jim." "Now, look." "I know you're trying to spare Sylvia's feelings but what about mine, eh?" "How long do I have to wait for my promotion?" "Just pack it in, Di." "I won't be told how to do my job by you." "It's gonna be bloody hard getting you two rungs up the ladder." "Look at you, Mr Grumpy Pants." "Who's gonna need cheering up when he gets home?" "Yeah, well, we're still at work, in case you hadn't noticed." "So just back off, will you?" "Can't believe that bastard told her it was you." "Lying piece of shit." "He should rot in hell." "You don't know it was him." "I mean, Buxton's probably sussed it was me because Janine Nebeski is the only one who's got the guts to stand..." "What, haven't you heard?" "Fenner's demoted the Julies for cheeking him." "He's never liked them." "Now he's got the power to act on it." "Now, I'm just saying, I told you this would happen." "Fenner's regime's got nothing to do with rehabilitation and everything to do with his own ego." "Well, it's a good thing the buck doesn't stop with him, then, isn't it?" "Oh, sorry, love." "That girl afraid of you now." "She scared good and proper." "She wanna give herself a nervous breakdown." "Well, she will do once the butcher's boy's paid me a visit." "Special delivery from one of my contacts." "Little surprise." "Here, can you help yourself?" "Cheers." "Here." "Are them sausages ready?" "Coming up." "Yeah." "Sorry, love." "Oh, what?" "TINA:" "So useless, yeah." "It ain't right." "At least we get a lie-in." "Be lucky if we get any bloody breakfast." "Never took this long when we was in charge." "Mr Grayling wants to see you as soon as." "Oh, what we done now?" "We never did anything in the first bleeding place." "In that case, you got nothing to worry about." "Come on." "You deserve to celebrate your recovery." "Twist my arm, then." "I must say, I didn't expect such concern from you after the way you've been treating me these last weeks." "You haven't exactly been supportive over my illness." "Good." "Seems my strategy worked." "Don't you see?" "I used a shock-tactics approach with you." "In my experience, it's always best to dismiss a patient's symptomatic concerns, harsh though this may seem, in order to get to the real cause, in this case, your feelings of guilt about your part in Jim's arrest." "You're saying that my worry about the voodoo doll was just covering up..." "What you couldn't face." "Oh." "If I'd indulged it, given you pills or even sympathy, then your breakthrough might never have happened." "Believe me, it was difficult." "We know each other so well." "It felt terrible not being entirely honest with you." "I should be thanking you, Malcolm." "If you didn't know me so well, you might have missed what was really wrong." "I'm just glad you cared." "WAITER:" "Everything okay?" "Yeah." "Yes, very good, thank you." "Very nice, thank you." "So, what's this good news you were talking about?" "Well, you simply won't believe it when I tell you." "Yeah?" "Try me." "(JOHNSTON LAUGHING)" "Mr Grayling said he got the idea from us giving Bev a makeover." "Said we had natural flair!" "Yeah, and they got experts coming in to train us up." "I don't believe it." "Yeah." "And we get to charge up to three quid off your cash cards and give discounts to them what deserve it." "Sir?" "I thought those Julie cretins were supposed to be punished for their attitudes?" "Yeah, well, they lost their jobs in the servery, didn't they?" "So how comes they're getting their own hair salon then?" "Hair salon?" "Who told you that?" "I thought you knew." "Came straight from the number one." "It's gonna be great, isn't it?" "Janine." "Yeah, I'm going back to my cell." "My eye hurts." "Listen, I know that you're avoiding me, but you don't have to." "Okay, I've picked on you, but it's only because you've got one of those faces." "I didn't mean to totally freak you out." "I was just angry." "Look, I don't blame you for being pissed off." "But I had no choice." "I know." "I heard." "You just pulled the short straw, right?" "Wasn't your fault." "Look, I got you this to say sorry for being such a cow." "Oh, God, Natalie, you don't have to." "Just take it, but don't let the screws see it." "Otherwise they're gonna have it off you for themselves." "Yeah?" "Cheers." "It's my pleasure." "Janine, I just want us to be friends." "Yeah, well, me, too." "Malcolm, what if someone saw us?" "Probably should be damned, I say." "What's wrong with playing footsie with a beautiful woman?" "Ah, unless, of course, I'm stepping on someone else's toes, so to speak." "Don't be silly." "Sylvia, I..." "No, you'll think I'm being pushy." "Go on." "What is it?" "Oh, to hell with it!" "What would you say if I were to invite you to dine with me tonight as well?" "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Oh, yes." "Thank you for calling back." "Oh, I see." "Well, that is a surprise." "Thank you." "I'll be in touch if I need anything else." "That was the estate agent." "He's valued my house at £2.2 million." "I'm a millionaire, Malcolm." "Can you believe it?" "Sylvia Hollamby, a millionaire." "And worth every penny." "(SCREAMING)" "Yeah, well, tell him I'd like to speak to him when he's free." "Will you bloody knock?" "(DOOR SLAMMING SHUT)" "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "What?" "I brought you some presents." "There's a sex shop near the arcade and I thought, "Why the hell not?"" "And look, this is a manual on how to, um, rise to the occasion, and it's got plenty of tips in it for me, so we'll both enjoy ourselves." "And I got this dangly thing..." "Are you off your nut?" "I don't need this shit." "Look, I know you don't want to face it but..." "You just don't get it, do you?" "It's you that's the problem." "I don't fancy you." "In fact, you turn me right off." "We've only been married for two minutes." "Two minutes too long, if you ask me." "You're doing my effing head in trying to run my life for me." "I'd rather shag a dry stone wall." "No, you wouldn't." "You'd rather shag Karen Betts." "That's it, isn't it?" "Oh, please." "No, it's true." "I've seen those photos." "It was a bloody shrine to her, and you can't get it up for anyone else!" "You are joking, aren't you?" "I don't find perverts funny, Jim." "Maybe you should still be on that seg unit, which, in case you've forgotten, that is exactly where you'd be now if it wasn't for me!" "Oh, come on, Di." "So I lost my temper..." "That is not all you've lost, you bastard!" "Don't you bother coming home tonight 'cause your two minutes is up." "Hit her in the ribs." "Harder!" "Again!" "Vasectomy?" "Yeah, that's the one." "Well, I've got two kids." "I don't need any more." "Wasn't Di keen to start a family?" "Well, maybe, but I'm not." "Time for your induction." "She hit me." "Did you see that?" "She hit me."