"First you take a drum beat" "And then you add a clarinet" "You sweeten with a trombone" "Then let the other cats get set" "Season with a sprinkling of Gabriel's horn" "And presto" "A song is born" "They're here!" "They're here." "They just drove up." "Who is here?" "You know, whatchamacallit, the lawyer for the foundation." "And Miss Totten is with him." "I saw them getting out of the car." "And this place is looking like a flicker's nest." "We're in for our semiannual wigging, I suppose." "You'd better put your coat on, Frisbee." "Yeah, and fix your tie, too." "Fix your tie." "Come here." "Let me fix your hair a little bit." " It looks so untidy." " Straighten him up." "That's it." "What is all this nonsense?" "This nonsense is Miss Totten." "And will you please smile at her?" "Gentlemen, this is very undignified." "If you think you're being funny, I..." "Good morning, gentlemen." " Good morning, Miss Totten." " Good morning, Miss Totten." " Won't you sit here, please?" " It's a very nice day, Miss Totten." "Would you like to speak, Miss Totten, or shall I?" " No, you go ahead, Mr. Setter." " I will be brief as possible." "Gentlemen, to date, $283,000 have been expended on the writing of this history of music." "I hope you realize that Miss Totten's father, the late Daniel S. Totten, left only a quarter of a million dollars for this project." "Every additional penny has to come from Miss Totten's pocket." "You've been at it for 10 years now." " Nine." " All right, nine." "I want your frank estimate of how much longer you will take." " Well..." " Maybe three years." " Maybe four." " Yes." "It cannot be." "It just cannot be." "Oh, my dear Miss Totten." "Surely, you don't want to discontinue your father's great gesture towards human enlightenment, do you?" "Human enlightenment?" "Nonsense, Professor." "My father was a disappointed musician." "He was never able to master a single instrument." "So he decided to manufacture pianos, and because his name was not included with Steinway and Meyer and Chickering, he decided to finance this project." "Exactly." "And you'll have to get it done with, quickly." " Slap it together." " What?" "Excuse me, Mr. Setter." "May I have a word?" "Hello, Professor Frisbee." "Hello, Miss Totten." "You said slap it together." " We're not the slapping together kind." " He's right." "And this is not an ordinary encyclopedia of music." "What's different about this except that it's taking longer?" "Don't interrupt, Mr. Setter." "In what way is this different, Professor Frisbee?" "Well, as far as I know, this is the first history of music, which, in addition to its written volumes, will have albums of recorded music." "Now, in my own field of folk music..." " I'm not interested." " Don't interrupt, Mr. Setter." "Go on, Professor." "I'm appealing to you, Miss Totten, to your vision and to your heart." "Perhaps I'm maybe a little inarticulate, but I've somehow always regarded you as..." "You know what I mean, Miss Totten?" "Of course." "Well, it was my father's dying wish, and you do make such an eloquent plea." " But all of this seems so useless." " Exactly." "It's not only useless, dull, unromantic, but unprofitable." "My dear Mr. Setter, bringing the peoples of the world closer together through the universal language of music can hardly be termed useless, dull and unromantic." "Our work is anything but that." " It is often very exciting." "Oh, fiddlesticks." " Yes, even emotional." " Really?" "Yes, Miss Totten, we..." "Only the other day we were recording a Polynesian chant, love chant." " West Indian, wasn't it?" " Samoan, I believe." "Get to the point." "The point is, Mr. Setter, the chant was exciting and it was emotional." "It concerned itself with the relation of music to courtship." "Courtship?" "My dear Frisbee, if you think that..." "Just a minute, Mr. Setter." "I'm very interested, Professor." "Well, perhaps we can demonstrate it for Miss Totten." "Yes, let's demonstrate it." "I don't think that would be the logical thing to do." " That's a very good idea." " Please, please do." "I'd love to hear it." "Well, all right." "Gentlemen, if you please." " Yes, let's do it." " All right." "Now, Miss Totten, imagine the setting in an island courtship." "There's a vacant hut." "The nuptial hut all bedecked with flowers." "And nearby, the maiden awaits the arrival of her lover." "Oh, excuse me." "Professor Oddly, you will be the maiden." " But, Professor Frisbee, I..." " Oddly." "Must I, Professor Frisbee?" "If you'll just stand over there, Oddly, please!" "Now, Miss Totten, as the lover approaches from the opposite side of the village, he is laden down with gifts." "And the beating of the drums signalizes the beginning of the courtship." "As he comes nearer the village, his relatives take up the drumming." "Then he spies the maiden and calls to her, and she answers." "Professor, would you give us the mating call please?" "That's the mating call." "Now, imagine I'm coming around the corner of the hut." "He spies the maiden." "Just..." "Just one moment, gentlemen." "Oddly, that was quite adequate for the recording, but I feel the air of reality is somewhat strained here." "But, Professor Frisbee, I didn't want to do it anyway." "I know that, Oddly, but I..." "Professor, perhaps I could..." "Very well, if you'll just stand here, Miss Totten." " And when I give you the mating call..." " Yes?" "...you give it right back to me." "Now, imagine I'm coming around the corner of the same hut." "No." "Just..." "May I interrupt just one moment?" "I'm afraid, Miss Totten, you'll have to employ a great deal more abandon both in voice and posture." "I neglected to tell you about the posture." "The native position being somewhat more like this." "And it has..." "Yes, that's fine, Miss Totten." "Now imagine I'm coming around the corner of the hut." "That's fine, Miss Totten." "That's a considerable improvement." "Now, more abandon, Miss Totten." "Yes." "Now, as the man hears the maiden, the beat of the drums intensifies." "Fever of the music has entered into his blood." "His nostrils are distended and his eyes are gleamed." "And the singing goes on like this." "I'm sorry, Miss Totten, I'm merely assuming the role of the lover and you the role of the maiden." "This call is the lover's greeting, and it is accomplished by the diaphragmatic pressure so necessary to the primitive sound in this fashion." "Would you try that, Miss Totten, please?" "That's very good, Miss Totten." "You seem to have caught the spirit quite well." "Now, would you try that once with me." "That's fine, Miss Totten." "Miss Totten." "I don't like to interrupt, Miss Totten, but..." "Miss Totten, I don't like to interrupt, but you've caught the spirit extremely well, Miss Totten." "Now, from this point on, the dance just continues until the lover takes the maiden in his arms and carries her away, but I don't think there's any point in demonstrating that." "It was wonderful." "Simply wonderful." " Miss Totten, I thought you'd decided..." " I liked it." "I liked it." " Yes, Miss Totten?" " Professor, the work at the foundation must continue." "I'll see to that." " Miss Totten, you forgot your..." " Oh, thank you." " ... bag." " Goodbye, Professor." " Goodbye." " And thank you." "I enjoyed every second of it." "Miss Totten, you know that your previous intentions..." "A most amazing performance, Frisbee." "We are very much indebted to you, Frisbee." "I don't know, gentlemen." "I don't know." " You don't understand..." " I don't know whether our behavior was in keeping with the seriousness of our work." " Oh, well, I..." " However, I do feel our actions" " were justified in the..." " We beg your pardon, gentlemen." "Yes, sir, indeed." " We hope you don't mind." " We came through the window." "Who are you?" " We're the window washers." " The window washers." " ELFINl:" "What is it you want?" "Well, you gentlemen are long hairs, aren't you?" "I hadn't noticed." " Our hair is not particularly long." "This place's got some connection with music, ain't it?" "Well, some." "We've been washing on the other side for a couple of days and listening to you." "We figured maybe you could help us out." " In what way?" " With this quiz program on the radio." "What is it?" "It's a musical quiz." "It has questions and answers, and you got to play the tune." "Maybe we should have got a radio." "Well, just what is your trouble?" "Well, I can play the answers, if I knew the answers." "But he can't play them if he don't know them." " That's logical." " Have you got the questions with you?" " Sure, he's got them." " Yes, here it is, right here." "Question..." "First question is number one." "And it says, "What eminent contra..." "Contra... "" ""What eminent contrapuntalist literally gave his name to a musical work?"" " That is obvious." " That would be my department." " Johann Sebastian Bach." " Please to meet you." " How do you do?" " How are you, Mr. Bach?" "How do you do, Mr. Bach?" "I'm not Mr. Bach." "Mr. Bach was born in Eisenach in Germany, in the year 1750 and died in 1685." "Are you sure about that, mister?" "Yes, I'm sure he died." "They buried him on account of that." "Well, the way you got it, he didn't even get born." "Well, maybe I'm wrong." "He was born in 1685 and died in 1750." "Mr. Bach wrote beautiful music." "Beautiful music." " He makes good beer, too." " That so?" "I didn't know that." "Yeah." "The composition referred to is a fugue written by Mr. Bach with the letters of his name B flat, A, C, and B natural." "B" " A-C-B?" "Bach?" "That doesn't sound right, does it?" "I'm asking you." "The Germans, of course, use the letter H for our B natural, meaning B flat when they say B." " Mister, I don't need all of that." " He just needs to know the tune." "You mean just a few bars for recognition?" " That's it." " I'd be very happy to play it for you." " There you are." " Is that all there is to it?" "That's all there is, just the four notes." "Well, I'm going to lay some stuff with my left hand on the bass here." "When I give you the nod with my head, you give me them four notes up there." "Very good." " Most unusual." " It's amazing." "A very remarkable construction in the bass pattern." " You think so?" " I'd like to hear more of it." "I can't do much with this Bach guy." "No, he's too square." "Maybe the next cat's got a little more beat." " Who's got the next question?" " He's got them over there." "Frisbee, the second question please." "Oh, yes, right here." ""What bit of African terpsichore" ""came from the pen of a Norwegian composer?"" " That would be you, Gerkikoff." " That is easy." "That would be Anitra's Dance." "You know the melody, Magenbruch." "Yes, I know it." "Anitra's dance is from Grieg's incidental music for Ibsen's Peer Gynt." "Would you like to play it for us, Magenbruch?" "Lovely melody." "I heard that before." "Would you play it again for me, please?" "It will be interesting to note what he accomplishes with this one." " Yes, that's right." " I think I got it now." "Play it once more for me." "Very good." "Very good." "Well, it reminds me of the chaconne or passacaglia." "Except that the amazing variations on the melody depend so much on their peculiar passing tones" " and leading notes." " I noticed a definite resemblance." "It is curious combination of harmonium..." "It moves constantly on the tonic and subdominant." "Particularly noticed the double quadruple figuration." " I didn't do all of that, did I?" " That's just plain boogie-woogie." " Boogie-woogie." "What's that?" " You never heard of that?" "Never heard of boogie-woogie?" "Well, you see, we've been shut in here for a long time." " Too long." " Has this boogie-woogie been going on for some time?" "Man alive!" "And are there any other forms of this new folk music besides that?" " Sure." "There's swing, jive, jump..." " Blues, two-beat Dixie, rebop and..." "What's that?" " Rebop." " Amazing." "Did you hear that, Professor Frisbee?" "ELFINl:" "And your book on folk music is almost finished." "Gentlemen, I'm an idiot." "An absolute idiot." "And I'm terribly grateful to both of you for making me aware of it." "Do you realize that since we've been cooped up here, music has changed and changed considerably?" "I've been completely unaware of this situation." "However, I intend to rectify it immediately." " What are you going to do?" " I don't know." "I don't know." "I think perhaps the only solution is..." " Gentlemen, I am going out." " Out?" " Where?" " Out." "Out into the world." "Out of this house." "Out to tap the major sources of this new music." " Woogie-boogie?" " Two-beat Dixie?" " Jump?" " Jive?" " Swing?" " Blues?" "Rebop." " Exactly." "And I should be leaving now." " He's going out." " I should like to go, too." " Frisbee, could I go with you?" "Why couldn't we all go?" " Yes, Frisbee, why couldn't we?" " No, really." "Please, gentlemen." "As much as I would love to have you come along, it was my oversight, and you'd be losing a full day's work." "After all, this is my field." "Just where would you go, Frisbee?" "I'm going out to the nightclubs, the dance halls." " Yes, even the honky-tonks." " Aren't you frightened?" " No, I..." "Well, goodbye, Elfini." " Goodbye, Frisbee." " Good luck." " Goodbye, my boy." "Good luck to you." "Oh, would you mind leaving the key under the mat?" "I may not be home until 9:00 this evening." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." "Goodbye." "I'm worried about the whole thing." "Hiya, bud." "I beg your pardon, could you tell me what time the music starts?" "You're pretty early, fella." "This joint don't open for another couple of hours." "Another couple of..." "Thank you, thank you." " How do you do, Mr..." " Mel Powell." "Mel Powell." "How do you do?" "My name is..." " Frisbee." " Frisbee." "And this card is self explanatory, Mr. Powell." "We're conducting a round table research." "We'd like very much for you to attend..." "Blind man stood on the way and cried!" "The blind man stood on the way and cried!" "Cried" "Well, old blind Barnabas" "Stood on the way" "Blind Barnabas stood on the way" "Well, old blind Barnabas" "Stood on the way crying" "Oh, Lordie have mercy on me" "Well, in my God's bible in the book of James" "Christ was a-healing the cripple and the lame" "Giving the poor and the needy a break" "Healing the sick and raising the dead" "Well, they tell me when he passed through Galilee" "He passed by a man that couldn't see" "The man was blind and crippled from birth" "Tell me that his name was blind Barnabas" "When Barnabas heard that my lord was nigh" "He fell on his knees and began to cry" "Crying "Oh, thou man of Galilee" ""Great God a mighty have mercy on me... "" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Daddy-O, I'm gonna teach you some blues" "From now on That's all you'll be able to use" "Do you hear me, Daddy-O?" "I'm gonna teach you some blues" "However you wanted it I sang your song" "Whenever you wanted me I tagged along" "But that lipstick on your shirt isn't mine" "So I'm getting off It's the end of the line" "Do you hear me, Daddy-O" "I'm gonna teach you some blues" "He told you that a woman was his religion" "But I didn't hear him mention that he meant them all" "So now while you're concerned You're just a dead pigeon" "Well, I've got to be the only filly in the stall" "You've got a lot of fish a-waiting round to nibble" "And your baby's got a line that they can't overload" "So, Baby-O, you're hardly in the mood to quiver" "You'll make me very happy if you hit the road" "You gave me the runaround and that was wrong" "You wanted to run around so run along" "If we never meet again, it's too soon" "And I'll make a bet you'll be changing your tune" "Do you hear me, Daddy-O?" "I'm gonna teach you some blues" "However you wanted it I sang your song" "Whenever you wanted me I tagged along" "But that lipstick on your shirt isn't mine" "So I'm getting off It's the end of the line" "Do you hear me, Daddy-O?" "I'm gonna teach you some blues!" "I'll teach you" "I'll teach you" "I'll teach you" "I'm gonna teach you some blues" " Come on, quick." " Quick is right." "What's the fever?" "Listen, you got to take it on the lam." " Yeah, they're looking for you." " Wait a minute." "Who's looking for me?" " The district attorney." " Why?" "You've got to get dressed and get out of here before they slap a subpoena on you." "A subpoena?" "Come on, we'll talk about it in the dressing room." "Why can't you tell me here?" "Now what it all this subpoena business?" "It's on account of Tony." " What happened to him?" " Nothing." " But something happened to Ernie Hart." " Ernie Hart?" "I told Tony not to monkey with him." "Well, he won't anymore." "The funeral's tomorrow." "But Tony didn't have nothing to do with it." "Did he, Monte?" "Oh, no." "Tony's as innocent as the new mown hay." "Who said Tony had anything to do with it?" "But he was framed, Honey, honest he was." "The DA's trying to pin it on him, just because they found that ring near the body." " What ring?" " That ring you gave Tony for his birthday." "Yeah." "It was a little too big for him, remember?" "Well, it slipped off and Tony lost it someplace." "That's why you gotta beat it." "And stay undercover." "What for?" "What's it got to do with me?" "Well, right now they can't prove that ring was Tony's." "But when the DA finds out you bought it, and everybody knows about you and Tony." "Well, it'll look awful bad for him." "You're what they call a maternal witness." "Tony mixed up in a murder." "I don't believe it." "We've got to get you out of here before they slap a subpoena on you." "Who is it?" "I'd like to have a few words with you in regard to an investigation I'm conducting." " Just a minute." " Let him in." "We'll handle him." " Yeah?" " How do you do, Miss Swanson?" "Hello." "I hate to intrude like this, but this inquiry is really very important." "Get this, I don't know from nothing." "But I'm sure you do." "You could probably help me more than anyone." "All I would like is a little of your time." "Say an hour or so a day." " Say, are you a cop or aren't you?" " A cop?" "No, I'm not a cop." " Well, then what are you selling?" " Selling?" " Nothing." "I'm from the Totten Foundation." " I don't wear any." "Oh, no, no, I'm Professor Frisbee of the Totten Musical Foundation." "Well, then what is this investigation, Professor?" "Well, it concerns itself with modern jazz and other forms of popular music." "I'd like you to help me." "Would you mind?" "Yes, I would." "Goodbye." "In case you change your mind, here's my card." " Okay." "Yeah." " It's the address of the foundation." " Good night." " And also my address." "Goodbye." " Honey Swanson." " What do you want?" " Just put the coat on." " All right." "We'll get out the window." "Right in there." "Open up." "District attorney's office." "Where to?" " Just keep cruising, Jack." " Where are we going?" " Well..." "How about that warehouse on West 11th?" "No, too many rats." "Hey, wait a minute, where are you taking me?" "We can't take you to your place." "They'll have it covered." " But you live some place, don't you?" " Yeah, sure, and the cops know where." "I thought of a hotel, but they'll fan every hotel in town." "I could change my name." "Listen, Honey, why take chances?" "It's an awful nice warehouse." "He says rats." "Well, maybe a few little bitty mice, but..." " Uh-uh." "That's out." " Say, I got an uncle who's an undertaker, and with business the way it is, he's always bound to have an extra slab." " That's fine, that's all I need." " Oh, no." "Keep thinking." "Hey, what's this?" "Totten Foundation." "Hobart Frisbee." "That's, that professor jerk." "He must have..." "ELFINl:" "I never would have believed it." "It seems impossible." "Have I missed anything?" "No, Oddly, I was just explaining, and I repeat, gentlemen," "I actually heard Rimsky-Korsakov played on a washboard..." " A washboard?" " ... a bicycle pump..." " Bicycle pump?" " ... a plunger of some sort and pots and pans." " Heaven knows what else." " You cannot make music out of pots and pans." "Are you sure you had nothing to drink but buttermilk?" " Quite sure." " What else was there?" "Please tell us." "I heard remarkable music, strange rhythms." " I talked to people." " What kind of people?" " All sorts of people." "Musicians, singers." " Chorus girls?" " All sorts of people." " Prima donnas?" " And did you go backstage?" " Yes, yes, I had..." "I had one conversation with a young girl in her dressing room." " Dressing room!" " But unfortunately she wasn't interested in our project." "A blond or brunette?" "I don't remember, Oddly, I didn't notice." "I once went backstage to see Pavlova." "Imagine ballerinas and all that." " In tights, I suppose." " Naturally in tights." " And that ineffable smell of rice powder." " On bare shoulders." "It's getting late, gentlemen, perhaps we should go to bed." "I'd like to have heard a lot more." "Me, too." " Frisbee." " Yes?" "Frisbee, in your travels this evening, did you encounter any music where the melodic figure in straight eights is changed to one of Umpateedle character?" " What's that?" " Umpateedle." "What are you reading here, Magenbruch?" "That's one of the books I procured this afternoon." "Jazz.:" "Hot and Hybrid." "That's very interesting." "I should like to read it after you're through with it." "Yeah." "I particularly like the chapter on hot rhythm." "Holds strange fascination for me." "I can understand that, but I wouldn't allow myself to neglect the Palestrina research." "Hold on." " Why, that's our doorbell." " At 3:00 in the morning?" "That will be the revisions on Stravinsky's new ballet." "I asked them to be sent by air mail special." "I'll get it." " Hiya, Professor." " Oh, hi!" "Am I late for school?" "Oh, my goodness!" "Well, are those kids in my class?" "Oh, no, those are just my colleagues." "I must apologize for their lack of attire." "That's all right, Professor." "And for the fact that I don't have any coat on." "You know, once I watched my big brother shave." "You did?" "Frankly, your coming here was the last thing I expected." "Your "no" was so definite." "Well, I got thinking it over." "Music has done a lot for me." "And well, here was a chance to do something for music." "Well, then I take it you've reconsidered?" "Yep." "You've talked me into it, Professor." "Oh, my goodness!" " What was that?" " That was Professor Oddly." " Any more of them around?" " I hope not." "Boy, this place sure is loaded with antiques, present company excepted." "Thank you." "Thank you." " May I have your coat?" " Yeah." "Thanks." "Mozart." "Say, I've got a copy like this with a radio inside." "Are you sure you don't want your coat?" "No, I'm fine." "Except I've got a run in this stocking." "Well, when do we start, Professor?" "What's your method?" "It's quite simple, really." "If you'll be here no later than 9:30 tomorrow morning." " Tomorrow morning?" " Yes." "Yes, we've arranged a round table discussion with a group of people of various musical backgrounds." "You don't think we could sort of begin right now?" "Begin..." "Well, Miss Honey, it's past 3:00." "Oh, foo, Professor, let's get ourselves a couple of drinks." "You light the fire maybe, and you could start working on me right away." "I wouldn't dream of imposing at this hour." "Listen, I figured on working all night." "Oh, you did..." "Well, any random discussion would..." "Yes?" "...prove of no scientific value whatsoever." "You see, I must have my notes thoroughly prepared for tomorrow morning's seminar." "Okay, where do I sleep?" " I beg your pardon." " Where do I sleep?" "I don't know." "Where do you usually sleep?" "I'm usually in Brooklyn, but tonight I'm going to sleep here." " Right." "Here?" "Why not?" "Well, I mean, we're all bachelors here, Miss Honey, except maybe Professor Oddly..." " Professor." " He was a widower." "But there's a..." "Sleep here?" "Oh, no." "See, no woman has ever..." "Even Miss Bragg, our housekeeper, goes home every night at 7:30." "Listen, if you want me here tomorrow morning at 9:30..." "Yes, I do, Miss Honey." "I definitely do." "But even the most free thinking people would have to respect..." "Now wait a minute." "Feel that." "Go on, feel that foot." " Now, what have you got to say?" " It's cold." "It's cold and it's wet." "Now, come here." "Come here." "Closer." " Hiya, kids." " How do you do?" "Now, look down my throat." "Oh, come on." "Now, what do you see, huh?" "I don't know what to look for." "Well, there is a slight rosiness in the laryngeal region." "There." "You see?" "He knows." "Who are you?" " Who is he?" " This is Professor Twingle." "And Professor Gerkikoff, Dr. Elfini..." "Wait a minute, not so fast." "I'll get to know them." "Come here, Twinkie." "I think I got a fever." "Feel." " Oh, yes." "She definitely has." "Oh, yes." " Certainly." "And he wants to put me out." " Oh, no." " Frisbee, that is unkind." "You know it's been raining and the streets are still wet." " Of course." " No 9:30 for me if he puts me out in that." " Naturally not." " But you don't understand..." "And the street's cold and the subway's hot and full of germs." "And I'm a pushover for streptococcus." " Could I have this, kid?" " Excuse me." "Really, I don't understand you, Frisbee." "Why take chances?" " Yeah." "With such valuable material." " Think of your work, Professor Frisbee." "I am thinking of my work." " You see, they get the point." " I get the point, too." "What I'm trying desperately to explain..." " Gentlemen, may I make a suggestion?" " Yes?" "Why not let the young lady sleep in my room?" " What?" " Well!" "I often bunk with Dr. Elfini during an electrical storm." " He's afraid of thunder." "Yes." "Well, then it's all settled." "I guess I'll turn in." " Could I have my coat?" " Yes, yes." "Couldn't you possibly reconsider?" " This way, please." " I'll show you to my room." "Yes, we all will." "Oh, no." "I know where my own room is, without any help from anyone." "Well now, why couldn't we all go?" "Gentlemen." "Please, don't bother." "I'll find it." "Just rough out the directions." "Top of the stairs." "The first door to the right." " Could I have my coat?" " Oh, please." "Thank you." "Hi Di Ho." "Hi Di Ho." "Just one moment, please." "Gentlemen, this is all highly irregular." "Suppose this came to the attention of the foundation, and what about Miss Bragg in the morning?" "What are you talking about?" "This is research, isn't it?" " Is it?" " Sure and I'm the guinea pig." " Yes, a specimen under the microscope." " Wonderful thing to research." "It is the searchlight of truth." "Without research, people would still think the earth was flat." " That's ridiculous." " And they would still look upon the tomato as a poisonous fruit." "There, you see." "And I want you to look at me, Professor Frisbee, as another tomato." " What?" "Just another tomato." "That'll be sufficient for the balance, gentlemen." " Shall we record it now?" "Sure, by all means." "Yes, even Beethoven seems nice and gay this morning." "You're quite right." " Gentlemen, before you start," "I should like to talk to you." "May I ask what all your trousers are doing in my kitchen?" "Well, I wanted mine pressed." " That accounts for one pair." " So did I." "And I." "All six pairs at once." "What's going on in this house, anyway?" "No constitutional this morning." "You scarcely touched your breakfast." "And, Professor Frisbee, this suitcase just came for you." " For me?" " The man who left it, a strange looking character, said you'd understand." " He left a message..." " Understand." "I don't understand at all." "Well, why don't you open it up, Frisbee?" "You say he left a message?" "Well!" "What were you saying about the message, Miss Bragg?" " I am waiting for you to explain." " Explain what?" " That." " That's..." " He has taken on an assistant." " Very charming." " Hi, kids." "Good morning." "Say, where can I get a cup of coffee?" "Hi." "Who are you?" "Miss Honey, may I present Miss Bragg, our housekeeper." "Hi." "This must be your apron I'm wearing." "This suitcase came for you with a message." " Yeah?" "What message?" " I don't know." "The message was it's getting hotter and hotter and stay in the icebox like a good little salad." " Salad?" " What could that mean?" "What time is your clambake, Professor?" "My clambake is at..." "We start at 9:30 in the morning, and please try not to be late." "Give me a little help with the suitcase, and I won't be." " Glad to." " See you later, kids." "Well!" "Excuse me." "Please continue without me for a while, gentlemen." "Now, to get back to the subject under discussion." "If we can classify the various forms of jazz along with a series of cross references and make a record of the history of this type of music," "I believe the work will be invaluable to the foundation." " Now, don't you agree, gentlemen?" "Yes, sure." "That's good." "And now that we're all agreed, in the vernacular I heard last night, let's start on the down beat and take off." "He's got it already." " Is that the correct way of phrasing it?" " That's a good deal." "Yes." "Well, I believe in order to start..." "Gentlemen, we have accomplished a lot in the last three days, and we have many valuable records." "Now, before we start on the history of jazz, someone mentioned yesterday a small combo doing jump with a head arrangement." "I believe it was mister..." " Tommy Dorsey." " Jimmy's brother." "Yes." "I'm sorry." "You spoke of..." "It wasn't me, Professor." "That's not my type." "It could have been Mel Powell or Hamp." "Yeah, they're experts at that jive." "Well, then perhaps you gentlemen could help me." "Sure." "Mel and I used to play a lot of that stuff with Benny Goodman." "Is that so?" "Well, could you play an example of the type of music?" "We'd be glad to." "But Joe, our clarinetist, couldn't come." " That's too bad." " Can anyone here blow a clarinet?" "That's quite simple." "Our Professor Magenbruch plays the clarinet." " Well, does he, Professor?" "I hardly think..." " He's apt to be a little too square." "He's quite proficient." "I assure you." "If you'll just get ready, I'll go and fetch him." "Gentlemen." "Gentlemen." "I don't wish to interrupt, but we seem to need a clarinet to illustrate a new form of music." " Why, certainly, here you go." " Thank you very much." "No, Magenbruch, we need you with it." "You mean to play jazz?" "Yes, it's very likely you might be able to play your Umpateedle." "Then, I better take my book along with me." " Yes." " Good, then we'll all go along." " Yeah, sure." " I think not, gentlemen." "Perhaps you'd better continue with your work." "I wish we could go, too." "This is our Professor Magenbruch, gentlemen." " Hello." " Hello." " I see you have everything ready." " Is this the music here?" "Oh, no." "We don't use any music." "We haven't got anything written down, Professor." "Well, we can't play without music." " Well, Benny Goodman used to." " Benny Goodman?" "I never..." " Frisbee, did you ever hear of him?" " No, no, I haven't." "Perhaps there is something in this book that might help you, Magenbruch." " Yes." "Yes." " Just sit down, Professor, and if you feel like it, you can join in." " Thank you." " Mel, let's steal some apples." "That's fine, Professor." "Now anything we do, just follow us." "Young lady, young lady, come here." "Come with me, please." "Young lady, there are a couple of gentlemen, I use the word loosely, who would like to see you." "They're in the garden right through that door." "Thanks, cookie." "Well, it's about time." "I thought you two had amnesia and forgot where you parked me." " We had trouble getting here." " The DA has got 100 men looking for you." " You're hotter than a firecracker." " Squeezing this town through a sieve." "Well, okay." "You wait here." "I'll get my things." " Now, wait a minute." " You're not leaving." "Not now." " Where's Tony?" " Well, he's on his way to Jersey." " He'll call you from there." " That's part of the big surprise." " I don't like surprises." " You'll like this one." " Flash it on her." "Go on." " Put on your sunglasses." " Oh, boy." " Seven grand boiled into that one." "Well, Tony doesn't have to bribe me just because I do him a little favor." "I'd like to see him try and get it back." " Hey, it's a little big." " Third finger, left hand." "Say, who do you think you're kidding?" " The future Mrs. Tony Crow." " What?" "Tony's finally decided to use that license you took out last June." "Well, it's about time." "It was his mouthpiece's idea." "A wife can't testify against her husband, see?" "Don't put it that way, you dope." "Say, he's been crazy about you since you met." "Yeah, but it took the DA to make him pop the question." "He's really got a big crush on you." "Sure." "Only the other day he said to me," ""I get a bigger bang out of that Honey than any dame I ever knew. "" " Yeah?" " You don't know how lucky you are." "Oh, don't I though?" "Mrs. Tony Crow." "Diamonds, and ermine and a house in Westchester." "The wedding's gotta be a fast one." "Now, lay low and stick close by the phone." " We'll call you tomorrow morning." " Yeah." "The bride will be waiting." "Hey, here's a paper that's got the whole story." "Read it in your room, Mrs. Crow." "Oh, fine!" "Gentlemen, if I may have just one moment." "Gentlemen, if you please." "I think we are just about ready to record." ""The Totten Musical Encyclopedia, recording number 684J," ""illustrating chapters 22 to 29 in Volume 11, The History of Jazz." ""From Africa came the first musical instrument, a drum." ""The hollow trunk of a tree or a taut animal hide" ""supplied the rhythm or beat." ""To the basic rhythm was added the human voice." ""Next, the first wind instrument, the shepherd's flute." ""The basic beat of the tom-tom and the same thematic strain" ""of the chant that was carried across oceans" ""and contained in early Spanish music after the invention of the guitar." ""It spread to countries which share the Spanish language." ""Cuba, West Indies, and South America" ""where the rhythm or beat assumed a new form of expression." ""The ever-widening cycle finally reached the shores of the southern United States" ""where the beat was momentarily lost," ""but the melody was woven into pure Negro spiritual. "" " Mockingbird" " Mockingbird" " Sang at morn" " Sang at morn" " And a song was born" " And a song was born" " Mockingbird" " Mockingbird" " Sang at morn" " Sang at morn" " And a song was born" " And a song was born" "Then, the beat returned." "Well, the mockingbird" " Mockingbird" " Mockingbird" "Oh, mockingbird" " Well, Lord looked down" " Well, Lord looked down" " And he gave the word" " And he gave the word" " And the angels put a song" " And the angels put a song" " In the mockingbird" " In the mockingbird" " When man was born" " When man was born" " He liked what he heard" " He liked what he heard" " And sang to the Lord" " And sang to the Lord" " With the mockingbird" " With the mockingbird" "Singing, Lord, hear me" "Well, he sang to the Lord With the mockingbird" "Praise be" " And the good Lord" " And the good Lord" " Liked everything he heard" " Liked everything he heard" "They took the tune and the words" "Right from the mockingbirds" "That's how a song was born" "And then a soft evening breeze" "Hummed through the willow trees" "That's how a song was born" "The tinkling rain from the sky became a lullaby" "And the blues must have come from a sigh" "And when two hearts beat in time" "Bluebells began to chime" "That's how a song was born" "They took a beat and made it reet" "They took a beat and brought it down to Basin Street" "Now we got it jumpin'" "Satchmo, get on that horn" "Let's hear, let's hear" "Let's hear how jazz was born" "One, two, three, four." "They took a reet jungle beat" "Brought it to Basin Street" "And that's how jazz was born" "And then someone played a wall" "All up and down the scale" "And that's how jazz was born" "They simply played what they liked" "As long as it would fit" "If it just had a beat" "That was it" "And when a horn gave a scream" "They took it as a theme" "And that's how jazz was born" "Blow it, Professor." " Hiya, kids." " The expert is here." "We need you." " Yes, very much." " What's the trouble?" "We've been listening to the music from across the hall." " It's very nice." " They've been having jam sessions." " A jam session." " It sounds like a lot of fun." " We'd like to try it." " Why don't you?" "We don't know how to begin." "They don't seem to have any kind of set form." "Well, you're right there." "That's exactly what a jam session is." "The first thing you want to do is let a little light in here." "Okay, kids, now all kind of gather around, and we'll get into it." "A jam session is taking a little tune you all know and doing things with it." " Doing things?" " Sort of kicking it around like..." "Well, what music do you know?" " You mean jump?" " Jive?" " Swing?" " ELFINl:" "Blues?" "Rebop." " Hello." " Hello." "Miss Honey, these are two good friends of ours." " We're the window washers." " We're the window washers." " He's Buck." " And that's Bubbles." " Hi." " We're about to have a little jam session." "Would you care to join us?" " We sure would." " We sure would." "Okay." "Let's get back." "Now, where were we?" " We were talking about jump." " Jive." " Swing." " Well, then you kids know all that." "No, we don't know any of that kind of music." " They taught us those words." " Well, that makes it kind of tough." "Now, what do you know?" " Well, we know Beethoven." " Bizet." " Wagner." " Brahms." "Don't you know anything lighter than that?" " Symphonies." " Concertos." " Operas." " Operas?" " Oh, yes." " We know all of them." "Well, this will be a new kind of jam session, a long-haired one." " Can you sing?" " No." "No." "I'm afraid we don't know the words to the operas." " We're more interested in music." " Any words will do." "You got a newspaper, or a time-table or something?" "Sure, he's got something." " How will this be?" " What have you got there, Bubbles?" "This is fine." "But we've gotta do a little rehearsing." "Now, this is what I want you to do." "You're to sing the words from the piece I give you." " Here is yours." " Thank you." "Here is yours." "Just sing whatever you read." "Totten Musical Encyclopedia, long-haired jam session." " All ready, kids?" " Yes, yes, indeed." "Okay, let's go." "Now watch it." "Daily racing form selections Post positions and the odds" "Weather raining, and it's muddy and the track is very slow" "I think I like Sad Sack" "It says he worked a mile in 1.:57 flat" "Too bad he scratched" "Oh, why did poor old Sad Sack have to go" " Why did poor old Sad Sack" " Why did poor old Sad Sack" " Have to go get scratched" " Have to go get scratched" "They're off!" "Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, yap yap Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, yap yap" "Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, yap yap" " Who's ahead?" "Who's ahead?" " Gallorett's in front" " By a nose" " By a neck" "By half a length" "Man O' War's at the clubhouse turn" "Flying Schmo's last" "Forty lengths behind" " Run, run, run, run" " Run, run, run, run" " Go, go, go, go" " Go, go, go, go" " Run, run, Honeymoon" " Run, run, Honeymoon" "Thank you all very much, gentlemen, same time tomorrow." " See you tomorrow." " Okay, Professor." " Nice going, Magenbruch." " Thanks." "That was swell, Mag." "Okay, Fris." "Just listen to that." "Professor Frisbee, either that woman leaves this house, or I do." " Are you speaking of Miss Honey?" " I am." "Ever since that woman crossed this threshold, a prairie fire of orgiastic events has swept through this house." " Frisbee!" "Are you hurt?" " No, it merely startled me." " It must have fallen from that shelf." " Yes." " I'll put it back." " It was probably sympathetic vibration that caused it to fall." "Resonance can be a very powerful thing." " It has been proved." " That's true." "Seven trumpets tumbled down the walls of Jericho." "Caruso shattered a wineglass by merely singing at it." " True." " That's all very interesting gentlemen, but our whole project seems to be suffering from some sort of vibration." " What do you mean?" " I'd like to talk to Miss Honey alone." " But we were..." " If you don't mind." "Now, Miss Honey." "Would you take this chair, please?" " That particular chair?" " Yes, if you don't mind." "Okay." "Would you open your mouth?" "A little wider." " Thank you." " Can I close it now?" "Oh, please do." " Miss Honey." " Yeah." "Circumstances under which, that is, over which none of us has the least control force me to a step I am most reluctant to take." "The sky is perfectly clear, the thermometer is at 76, your throat appears quite normal." "I'm afraid I must ask you to leave." "Leave here?" "Why?" "I want you to look at this project, this history of music, as a voyage, a long, hard tedious voyage." "And when the Foundation first launched its vessel, it wisely followed an old rule of the sea." "No women aboard." "Consequently they chose a crew of single men with nothing to distract them from the course they were about to sail." "Say, Junior, you couldn't stop walking up and down here?" "For the last four days, Miss Honey, we have been doing nothing but just drifting." "The needle of the compass no longer points to the magnetic pole." "It points, if I may say so, to your ankles." "Come now, admiral, a bunch of grown men." " They've all seen a pair of ankles before." " Not in nine years, they haven't." "Except for the singularly uninspired underpinnings of Miss Bragg." "Well, if you think I'm bothering them, I'll sit on my legs, and I'll do it in my room or in the kitchen." "It's too late." "You must leave now." "But I can't leave now." "What about your work?" "It isn't even finished." "There are a lot of things we haven't even touched on." "Make no mistake, Miss Honey," "I shall regret deeply the absence of your keen mind." "But, unfortunately, it's inseparable from an extremely disturbing body." "All right, I'll go." "Only don't shove." "I'll leave some time tomorrow." "No, not tomorrow." "Right away." " But I tell you I..." " I insist." " Old crabapple Annie." "Listen..." " Crabapple Annie!" "Why that implies that I'm puritanical and narrow-minded." " Yeah." " Well, I'm not." "I'm a perfectly normal man with perfectly normal instincts." " An awful high boiling point." " Not even that." "I, too, have been acutely aware of your presence." "You have?" "But fortunately, I'm strong enough to be able to resist its demoralizing effects." "Oh, really?" "I admit at times it was quite a struggle, but..." " Like when?" " Well, twice to be exact." "The first time when you leaned over my shoulder to explain the meaning of the word riff." " And the second time?" " I'm not finished with the first time." "You leaned over my shoulder, and I felt your breath on my ear." " And..." " And the second time, you were standing up against the window with the sunlight in your hair." " But you didn't do anything about it." " Yes, I did." "I left the room." "I went upstairs, dipped my handkerchief into cold water and put it on the back of my neck." "Right here, where the nerve center is." "You're cute." "Just a little sunlight in my hair and you had to water your neck." "Well, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it." "But I'm trying to explain that the whole success of the project depends on this." "I want you to cooperate." "I'd like you to leave." " Do you really mean that?" " Yes, I do." "I do." "Well, as long as I'm leaving anyway, I may as well spill it." "Spill it?" "Spill what?" "Why do you think I came here in the first place?" " Well, I imagine to help me in my research." " No, I came on account of you." " On account of me?" " Yeah." "Of all the men I've ever met," "I had to fall for a strong, silent man of distinction." " Distinction..." " A man of unbending willpower, a man who can just flip me away like an old cigarette butt." " Now, don't let it upset you, Miss Honey." " But it does upset me." "Unfortunately, I don't happen to be strong." "I can't steel myself against you." " Against me?" " Yeah, you." "Maybe it sounds crazy, but to me, you're a regular yumyum type." " A yumyum?" " Yeah, you know what that means?" "No, we haven't gotten to that yet." "We've got to it now, and I'm glad it's out." "I don't give a whoop if the others went for me." "It's you I'm wacky about." "Just plain wacky." "Can you understand that?" " Please, Miss Honey..." " Please nothing." "Maybe you can generate or whatever it is for all that suppress business, but I can't." "Come here." "You're so tall." " What are you doing?" " You'll find out." "That's an extremely valuable reference book." "That's just too bad." " Just perfect." " What are you gonna do?" "I'm going to show you what yumyum is." "Here's yum." "And here's the other yum." "And here's yumyum." " Pardon me." " Hey, where are you going?" "Did you see?" "He almost stepped on my hand." " Three steps at a time." " Like a shot out of a gun." " Why?" " I don't know." "To get a razor strap I hope, and I hope he knows where to apply it." " Well, Professor Frisbee?" " Yes, Miss Bragg." "Would someone call a taxicab for Miss Honey, please?" "Of course, right away." " Fine business." " I beg your pardon?" "What's the big idea of running out on me like that?" "Oh, nothing." "Nothing." "I've been thinking, Miss Honey, and..." "Well, the last few minutes have confirmed my former decision." "Your further presence here would be fatal." "You must get me out of your mind just as I must get you out of this house." "Your hair's wet." " Well, never mind, please." " Well, it is wet." "Well, what of it?" "Nothing." "I just happened to notice it." " Well, forget it, please." " Okay, okay, but it is wet." "Now, to get back to the subject under discussion." "It would be idle for me to deny that I too feel very strongly this affinity that you spoke about a few minutes ago." "But after three years when my work is finished, perhaps we can take up where we left off." "In the meantime, I hope that we may continue with some sort of correspondence." " Would you, Miss Honey?" " Oh, Frizzy." "I know." "That's the way I feel, too, but it has to be." "Just one more thing before you go, Miss Honey." "It will probably be a long time and I thought perhaps..." "Well, that is..." "I..." "Would you yum me just once more?" " It seems so unnecessary." " Yes, it does." "I think it's very..." " Taxi is here." " I'll tell him." "Professor Frisbee, the taxi for that young woman is here." "Professor Frisbee, the taxi." "The taxi!" " Yes, what is it?" " The taxi is here." "Taxi?" "What taxi?" "Miss Swanson's or mine?" "It's all yours, crabapple Annie!" " Get some coffee." " Yes." "Now, you just sit down, and we'll get you something to eat." " Miss Bragg kept something warm." " Just sit down." " Here's your coffee, Frisbee." " Where have you been, Frisbee?" " Yeah, it's almost 4:00 in the morning." " What happened to you?" " Come on, drink your coffee, Frisbee." " Yes, here's the sugar." "Sugar, Frisbee." "No, no, that's salt." "Get another cup of coffee." "Now, Frisbee, you left before dinner." "Where have you been?" " Not on the cake." " That's mustard." "Here's some more coffee." "ELFINl:" "Now, Frisbee, won't you please tell us where you've been?" "Wait a minute." "No." "ELFINl:" "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "Frisbee." "Frisbee." "Have some toast." "Please, tell us." "What's the matter?" "Please, Frisbee." "Frisbee?" "What is the matter?" "What's the matter?" "I'm in love!" "That's what's the matter." "I'm in love." "I'm going upstairs to propose to her right now." "ELFINl:" "Frisbee?" "Thank you, gentlemen, for the food." "It was delicious." " Frisbee." " Well, good night." "Frisbee!" "Frisbee!" " Package for Frisbee." " That's me." "Thank you very much." " Sign here." " What was the delay, young man?" "Just sign there." " I trust the engraving is all right." " I guess so." "Thank you." "Just a moment." "Here you are." " Thanks." " You're quite welcome." "ELFINl:" "Are you sure it's a real diamond, Frisbee?" "I'm certain that it is." "The ring cost me $83.95, which didn't include the two dollars for the engraving." " Let's see it, Frisbee." " I'm trying to open it." " Here, you..." " Yes, I..." "There it is." " Lovely." "Lovely." " It isn't very big, is it?" " But it is in extremely good taste." " Lovely." "Lovely." "Frisbee, as a man of experience," " I assure you that I like it." " Thank you very much." "Here's the breakfast you ordered, Professor Frisbee." "Thank you, Miss Bragg." "Room service." "Now it's room service." "Elfini, would you please put the ring under the toast cover?" " Why, certainly." " Thank you." " Well, goodbye." " Good luck." " Don't take no for an answer, Frisbee." "Be careful." "If I were the cream for that woman's coffee, I'd curdle." "Miss Bragg, I thought you were leaving us." "A nurse doesn't desert her post when an epidemic reaches its crisis." "Come in." " Good morning." " Good morning, Frizzy." "I brought your breakfast." "Good." "I'll have it right here." "Thank you." " How do you take it?" " Just jav, no cow." " Just what?" " Black." " Sugar?" " Straight." " Toast?" " No, thanks." "You sure you don't want some toast?" " No toast, huh?" " Never use it." "Not even a small bite?" " Sit down." "Take a load off your feet." " Toast." "That's a book I was reading last night." "I couldn't sleep last night, either." "I just kept walking and walking until the sun came up over the East Sixties." "I had to have time to gather my thoughts together and kind of clarify our relationship." "You ever get one of those?" "Yes, Miss Honey." "It's very important to me, too." "You see, it's new and rather strange." "Up until now, my life has been like, well, like an un-orchestrated theme." "Say, you couldn't talk a little plainer, could you?" "Not unless you have a piece of toast" "or at least look under the lid anyway." "You went and bought me a present." "I hope it fits." "I went all over town last night trying to find a jewelry store that was open." "Now, isn't that sweet?" "It's a lovely ring, really it is, Frizzy." "I had hoped you'd like it." "It's our engagement ring." "Frizzy, do you mean that..." "Yes, I do." " Do you mean you really thought..." " Well, I..." "Yes." "What am I supposed to say?" "Why, just say yes." "After what you told me yesterday the way you feel about me, all you have to do now is say yes." "Frizzy, don't you think you're being a bit hasty?" "I'm just as surprised as you are." "Marriage." "I always thought I was married to my music." "I thought the only thing could stir me was Piatigorsky on the cello," "Heifetz on the violin, Toscanini conducting a symphony." "And then..." "Then you." "You see, I've had rather a curious background." "I was graduated from Princeton when I was 13." "When I was a year old, I could sing Three Blind Mice, and before I was three," "I knew that the major chord on flattened supertonic was D flat, F and A flat, in the key of C, of course." "People like that..." "I don't know." "Dust just piles up on their hearts." "It kind of took you to blow it away." "Yeah, but I didn't mean to blow it smack into your eyes." "That's what happened." "Why don't you look inside the ring?" "There's some writing." "Musical notes." "Yes." "There wasn't enough room for all the words, so I used notes instead." "Notes from the opening phrase of an aria from the opera Paris and Helen." "Quote, "O thou beloved," ""whom so long my heart desireth," ""when will the day ere be that my heart thou doth bless" ""with a softly whispered yes. "" "Unquote I suppose." "I hope you don't think it's too corny." "Oh, Frizzy, I..." "Yes, come in." "Miss Honey, there is a telephone call for you." " For me?" " Yes." "We hate to interrupt you, but it is a long distance call." "The man on the wire said it was from your daddy." " Daddy?" " That's what he said." "My daddy." "Oh, yeah." "I'll take it right away." " How did it go, Frisbee?" " Very well." " She seemed quite overwhelmed." " That was to be expected, though." "Excuse me, but the customary procedure is to approach" " the parents of the young lady first." " Oh, yeah." " Hello." " Hello, Honey, this is Monte." "The boss wants to talk to you." "Only we're relaying the call so it won't be traced." "Get me?" "Here she is, boss, ready?" "Okay, now, Honey, don't use no names, though." "Oh, boy, did you call at the right minute." "Where are you?" "A little one horse town in New Jersey." "Rancocas it's called." "How have you been, baby?" "Everything under control?" "Not anymore." "Things are getting complicated." "No, no, nothing like that." "It's just that one of the kiddies has broken out in a rash." "Yeah, a slight case of spring fever." "Well, don't let the old boy run you down in his wheelchair." "Everything is set, baby." "I've got a Justice of the Peace all lined up." "That's what we're trying to figure out." "How to get you down here." "No, don't want you to take a train." "They'd spot you like a lead dime." "They'll be watching everything," "Holland Tunnel, George Washington Bridge, everything." "I don't care if I have to hitchhike out of here in a hearse." "I've got to get out of here." "I don't like it." "I want..." "Well, what other news is there, Daddy?" "Everything fine at home?" "How's mom's lumbago?" " How's whose what?" " Home for her birthday?" "Well, I don't know, Daddy." "I won't be long." "Just wait in the library, please." "If you don't mind, I'd like to have a few words with your father." "Oh, sure." "Daddy, this is the professor I was telling you about." "Hello, Mr. Swanson." "This is Hobart Frisbee." "I gather your daughter has told you of our intentions." "Hey, what is all this double talk?" "Before asking for her hand," "I realize I should have asked your permission." "Please, Frizzy." " Are you crazy?" " You're so right, Mr. Swanson." "I realize this must come as a great shock to you." "One of these old dodos has got a yen for Honey." "Well, speak up, son." "What have you got for to offer?" "Well, as character references, you may call the head of the Curtis Institute in Philadelphia and the president of Princeton, that's my university." "Except for occasional trouble with my left sinus," "I am in excellent physical condition." "How's your digestion, son?" "Excellent, sir." "Excellent." "I draw a salary of $3,200 per year and board." "It's not very large, but we'll watch our nickels and..." "Do I what?" "Gamble?" "Oh, no, sir, I..." "That's fine." "That's fine." "Adams, I think I've got a brain flash." "Son, what did you say your first name was?" "Hobart?" "Well, all right, Hobart." "I don't know whether Honey told you this or not, but she's our only child." "Well, we hadn't figured on having a professor in the family, but if that's what she wants, it's okay by us." "Well, I shall do everything in my power to make her very happy." "One other thing, Hobart." "You see, we're not young anymore." "Her mother is an invalid, and it would just about break her heart not to see her Honey married." "You understand?" "Of course, Mr. Swanson." "My own mother is dead, but I realize what it would have meant to her to be present." "Well, suppose you bring the kid right down here." "We want to meet you, and we'll have the ceremony right here in our own hometown." "Of course." "May I call you Father?" "Thank you, Father." "This is more than I hoped for." "Father wants to talk to you." "Yes?" "Well, that takes care of the transportation, baby." "Who's going to question the Curtis Institute and Princeton University?" "Oh, listen, to..." "Daddy, maybe there's some other way." "I don't want to take him for that kind of a ride." "It's quite all right." "I'll take a few days off." " Yeah, we all will." " Excellent idea." " Anyway, they don't have a car." " We'll rent one." "I can drive, I think." "Never mind the alibis, baby." "This gets you to Rancocas." "I don't want any arguments, understand?" "Hello." " What's the matter, my dear?" " He's always in such a rush." "Father?" "Well, that's my good fortune." "The sooner the better." "Gentlemen, I have the honor to announce our engagement." "Oh, good." "Congratulations." "There, now, Miss Bragg, don't cry." "I hope you're doing the right thing, Professor." "I know I am." "Why don't you go upstairs and pack some things for my fiancee?" " All right." " Thank you." "I want to be an usher." "I want to be an usher." " We'll all be ushers." " Yes." "One kisses the bride." " Yeah, we'll all kiss the bride." "That's right." "May we, Frisbee?" "Go right ahead, gentlemen." "Thank you." "You've made us very happy." "Very happy." "We feel that you are marrying all of us a little." "Yes, we all do." "We wish you all the happiness in the world, my dear." "Yes, yes." "Yes, indeed." "Well, if we're going to get started this afternoon," "I'd better get my things together." "Kind of a cheesy picture of me, isn't it?" "Now I know you better, I'd say it's a little flattering." " Check." " Out of consideration for Professor Frisbee, I'll let you get your things together" " and get down the back stairs." " And then you'll call the police?" "No, that would be too humiliating for Professor Frisbee." "Just get out and disappear." "I've already made other arrangements." "Don't worry." "I'm not marrying any professor." " You're certainly not." " The guy I'm getting is going to keep me in diamonds and mink coats, not bungalow aprons." "That's pretty good for a gal who came up the hard way, huh?" " We'll have this room fumigated." " You can do that after we're gone." " You're not taking Professor Frisbee." " I'm taking all of them." " Oh, you are?" " Oh, no." "Let me pass." "You're forcing me to phone the police." "Look, cookie." "Any spilling that's to be done, I'll do, but not yet." "Not while it'll bug up everything." "If you think I'm letting you take my professors..." "Look at it this way, cookie." "The harm's been done." "Frizzy's going to wear his heart in a sling whether he finds out sooner or later." "Here or in Jersey doesn't make any difference to him." "Only in Jersey is a darned sight better for me." " Better for you indeed." " Oh, no." " Let me through that door." " No." "Let me through that door, or I'll scream." "Oh, no, I can't have you screaming." "Sorry, cookie." "To be my lawful wedded wife, for better or worse." " What did you say?" " What?" "Nothing." "I was just rehearsing the wedding ceremony." "To be my lawful wedded wife, for better or worse, for richer or poorer..." " Please, Frizzy." " What?" "Don't, please." "You're very nervous, darling, aren't you?" "I know it's been a very exciting day." "Look out!" "Frisbee!" "Help!" "Help!" "Police!" "Never mind, operator." "Cancel it." "They must have left, Tony, there's no answer." "They should have been here hours ago." "Not the way those old fogies would be driving." "You know what's funny about people?" "The older they get, the more careful they are." "You'd think when a guy's seen everything..." "Hello." "It's Honey." "Hello, Honey." "Where are you?" "Now, look, we're not down here for fun." "We're having a wedding." "They've had an accident." "Nothing serious." "It just shook the old boys up a little." "I couldn't get to a phone before." "I don't know." "Some little hotel near Kingston." "Twin Oaks Inn it's called." "Yeah." "Sure, Tony, there's a midnight bus." "I can grab that." "Midnight bus." "What are you talking about?" "I'll have Monte and Joe pick you up in 40 minutes." "Yeah, tonight." "I've got a Justice of the Peace waiting." "There'll be a Justice of the Peace tomorrow." "Why not do this thing right?" "I want to wait until the old boys have gone to bed." "I can't walk out on them cold." "Maybe you'd like to sit down and knit them seven little sweaters to remember you by..." "I've told you how it's going to be." "Now stop barking orders." "So long." "Get the car ready." "Yes..." "ELFINl:" "I can prove to you by the laws of relativity that it wasn't Frisbee that ran into the sign post..." "No?" " ... but that it was the sign post that ran..." "Hello." "That's all right." "Sit down." "Go ahead." "But that it was the signpost that ran into Frisbee." "Now let me explain." "If you do, by the same law, your head will run into this bottle." "But before you do, I'd like a drink." " All right." " Yes, a drink." "And then, I think I'll hit the hay." " Get some sleep." " Oh, why?" "Why?" "The evening is yet young." "Stay with us." "Oh, no, I don't belong here." "This is a bachelor dinner." "ELFINl:" "Well, but this is different." "No." "That's the law." "We've heard from the garage." "The car will be ready in the morning." "Perhaps it will stay together long enough for us to get to Rancocas." "Yes, we'll get an early start." "After issuing an urgent appeal to all signposts not to charge at us." "What time shall we awaken you?" "Around 7:30?" "I'll be awake all right." "Well, kids, here's to you." "ELFINl:" "Wassail." "Oh, Frizzy, I..." "You know, you boys still have time to warn him." "A man is a goof to marry any woman." "Just let them try and warn me." "He'll have to console us that there aren't six more just like you." " One for each of us." " Of assorted ages, of course." "Naturally." "I'd like to keep you all in a locket always." "Seven squirrelly cherubs right out of this world." " Goodbye, kids." " Goodbye." "Did you hear that, Frisbee?" "I'm a squirrelly cherub." "ELFINl:" "Come now, Gerkikoff." "I can't understand..." "Why?" "Because I know I'm right." "You're all speaking very glibly on a subject about which you know practically nothing." "Frisbee, if you feel the need of any guidance, may I suggest that you turn to me?" "That's right." "You were married once, weren't you?" "Genevieve has been dead for some years, but I have relived every moment of our happiness so many times." "My experience is entirely at your disposal." "I'm very much obliged to you, Oddly," " but I feel that this..." " Please, please, Frisbee." "Think of me as an older brother or father anxious to send you off properly." " ELFINl:" "Well, so are we all." " Yes, yes." "Tenderness." "That is what I advocate." "Tenderness and patience." "Genevieve was a pianist." "And we both dabbled at composing." "After our wedding ceremony, we went straight to the Salzburg Festival." "We spent there a beautiful week, filled with promise, and returned home with three excellent compositions for the piano and a short nocturne for flute, two horns, strings, and oboe." "Me, I remember for three months, every time I bade her good night," "I'd kiss the palm of her little hand, astonished at my own boldness." "Genevieve was a blond." "Here's a lock of her hair." "Well, it's lovely, Oddly." "I remember it used to shine a great deal." "There was a song at that time everyone sang." "I always enjoyed listening to it." "That's it." "Please sing it all." "Oh Genevieve" "Does anyone else know it?" "Sweet Genevieve" "The days may come" "The days may go" "But still the hands of memory weave" "The blissful dreams" "Of long ago" "Please go on." "Oh Genevieve" "Sweet Genevieve" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "The days may come" "The days may go" "But still the hands" "Of memory weave" "The blissful dreams" "Of long ago" "It's good, it's good, good, good." "What did you make out of what Oddly was saying?" "Ask him, he's the expert." "What's his bungalow number?" "Number six." "Oddly!" "Oddly, I'm sorry, but I've got to talk this thing out." "I'm all confused." "I'm glad we're here in the dark because this is extremely personal." "What you said before about tenderness," "I mean, about your honeymoon." "Sounds like a beautiful and aesthetic relationship." "But I'm afraid I don't trust myself." "I'm afraid I'm a lot bolder than you are." "Oddly, do you think that would ruin everything?" "Why, the very idea that I should have to spend my honeymoon watching her compose nocturnes or sonatas." "I'm a man in love." "It's the first time in my life." "I think of her every waking moment." "I want to take her in my arms." "If this marriage should have been delayed, that is, should be delayed," "I mean, could..." "Listen to me, Oddly, I'm all mixed up." "Can a man like that keep his mind on Johann Sebastian Bach?" "Oh, Frizzy." "What?" "I'm terribly sorry." "I don't know how I could have made such a mistake to say such things to a woman." "Don't apologize." "ELFINl:" "Frisbee?" "Frisbee?" " Someone's calling me." " Are they?" "ELFINl:" "Frisbee, where are you?" "Maybe it's just as well." "Oh, Frisbee!" "I'll be back." " Did you call me?" " Yes, Frisbee, we did." " Frisbee, something came up." " Oh, really, what is it?" " Well, you see, as we were sitting..." " Yes." "You better tell him." "No, no, I think he better tell him." " Who?" " Well, you see, there's a gentleman..." "I mean, a man is..." "Four men..." " He will tell you." " Yeah, he'll tell you." "I don't understand." "ELFINl:" "Well, come right inside, and you'll understand." "How do you do?" " So, you're the bridegroom?" " Yes, this is Professor Frisbee." " Hiya, Hobart?" " How do you do?" "I thought you'd look like the rest of these squats, except for a beard with pea soup in it." "Squat?" "Well, what about me evoked this interest on your part?" "Sounds like it's engraved, don't it?" "What's all this about?" " It's about Miss Honey." " Honey?" " Perhaps if we talked to him..." " No, we've had enough detours already." "Maybe you recognize the voice, Hobart, or don't you?" "How's the sinus?" "Are you her father?" "Well, how do you do, Mr..." "You're getting warm." "I'm her Daddy." "Shut up." "I believe I'm entitled to some clarification." "I would think so." "So am I." "Lipstick." "Here." "Here." "Here." "You can't do that." " No!" "No!" " Take it easy." "I was kind of counting on Honey to tell you the score." "The trouble with her is she's okay giving out with the wise cracks and twists, but when it comes to leveling off, she gets chicken." "He's trying to tell us our wedding trip was nothing but a vast lie." "A vast lie." "Don't you believe that, Hobart." "There's going to be a wedding." "Honey's going to be the bride, only I'm going to be the bridegroom." "Shake it off." "I'm very obliged to you guys for delivering a hot cargo." "She had to be handled with a lot of care." "Frisbee, it seems that your bride to be..." "His bride?" "That's a laugh." "It seems that Miss Honey has used us to circumvent the police." "I don't believe it." "Professor, you thought she was going to marry you, with your 3,000, what is it, a year?" "She spends that much having her toenails painted." "She sulks if she has to wear last year's ermine." "He don't believe it." "Look at him." "All right, Professor, suppose you go tell Honey daddy's here." "Tony Crow's the name." "Professor Frisbee." "Professor." " Why, Miss Bragg." " I hope we're not too late." "Have you married that girl?" "You know, she knocked me out nine hours in a closet." "Something told me all along..." "Hold the phone, sister, hold the phone." "We traced you through your accident." "There's a warrant from the DA's office for that girlfriend of Tony Crow's." "Where is she?" "There's a Mr. Crow waiting for you." "Yeah." "The situation has been explained to me in simple terms." "You needn't worry about the police." "I just spoke to them, told them you had left an hour ago, probably were in Trenton by now." "Thanks, Frizzy." "Thanks for what?" "You've given us a fine course in the theory and practice of being a sucker." "Perhaps it wasn't quite worthy of you, choosing us as the subjects of your demonstration." "Seven pushovers." "Like shooting fish in a barrel." "I didn't mean for you to get it this way." "Right in the face." "I've been trying to write you a letter." "Here are all my excuses." "The handwriting of a..." "What would be your word for it?" "A tramp?" "Good morning, Miss Bragg." " Good morning, gentlemen." "Good morning." "How about some nice hot breakfast?" " No, thank you." " Not for me." "I've made Parker House rolls." " ELFINl:" "I don't care for any." " No, thanks." "Professor Oddly, you may have some jam or apple butter." "I don't think so, Miss Bragg." "Thank you." "What?" "Nobody wants any breakfast?" "Miss Bragg, would you mind very much, please..." "Would you mind leaving us?" "Well!" "Flying Schmo's last" "Forty lengths behind" "Now, gentlemen, before we attempt to go back to work," "I should like to say a few words." "You've all been very kind and very tactful." "Overly tactful, if I may say so." "Now, let's face it, I made an ass of myself and I know it." "Oh, well, we all did, Frisbee." "Yes, but I was the lead donkey." " Good morning." "Good morning." "Well, you've had quite an eventful night last night, gentlemen." "At least, so we see by the papers." "It's cost the estate some $300,000 to have its name spread across every tabloid in New York." ""Night club cutie hides out in Totten Foundation. "" " And this one." " Yes." ""Professor smuggles Honey across state line. "" "A Honey smuggler." "I'm sorry, Miss Totten." "For the aforesaid reasons, Miss Totten has decided to discontinue this project." "What?" "Don't do that." "One word, Miss Totten." "In your very understandable excitement, a great injustice is being done." "I am the guilty one and I accept my..." " We are all in this together." " ... dishonorable discharge without any protest, but I don't believe the others should be made to suffer for my misconduct." "My goodness, what's that?" "What happened?" " Good morning, teachers." " Yeah, good morning." " Now everybody line up over there." " Just like for a photograph." "With you, Hobart, in the foreground." "Come on, let's get going." "Get around." "Get around." "Go on." " Faster." "Faster." " Keep moving." "Come on." "Hurry up!" "All right now." "Sit down, everybody." "Make yourself comfortable." " Hey, Louie?" " Yeah." "Phone the boss and tell him we got everything in cold storage." "How much longer are we going to argue this thing?" " Now, come on, Honey..." " I said no, and no is no." "Listen, Honey, when I was nine years old, I fell in love with my piano teacher." "She played classical." " Now, you're not nine years old." " I love him." " She loves him." " Yes, I love him." "I love those Hick shirts he wears with the boiled collars." "And the way he always has his coat buttoned wrong." "He looks like a giraffe and I love him." "I love him because he's a sort of a guy that gets drunk on a glass of buttermilk, and I love the way he blushes right up over his ears." "I love him because he doesn't know how to kiss." "A jerk." "I love him, Tony, that's what I'm trying to tell you." "I'll never see him again, but I'm not gonna marry you." "Even if you fill me full of lead, like you did your friend, Ernie Hart." "I told you, I was framed." "I'm beginning to have my own ideas about that." "Hello." "Yeah." "Okay." "Louie just phoned, boss." "They got them on ice." "Well, this kind of changes things." "Come on, baby, let's go." " Go where?" " Back to town." "What is this?" "Well, let's call it a sort of a shotgun wedding." "Say, what are you trying to pull?" "Baby, you've been floating around on a pink cloud." "I want you to take a good look at your friend Frizzy, then maybe you'll come back down to Earth." "Come on, let's go." "What's the set up?" "Joe and Monte has got them in there." "This room over here is empty." "You wait here." "Hiya, boss." "Everything is under control." "Where'd you get all the people?" "I thought there were only seven of them." "They wandered in." "Said they was musicians." "Yeah, I recognize them." "What are hepcats doing in a place like this?" "Louie grabbed them." " They said they was here to play music." "Hello, Hobart." "How..." "How do you do?" "Okay." "Hold them here." "Come on in and take a look, baby." "Maybe you'll change your mind." "Well?" "We'll be in the room across the hall." "Can we make a deal now, baby?" "Sure we can, brother rat." "Adams is gonna get a guy to marry us." "Bring him in as soon as they get here." "Knock off that walking, Hobart." "You make me nervous." "Hobart, will you sit down?" " I beg your pardon." " Sit down." "There now, all we have to do is wait for the all-clear signal." "We'll dismiss the class right after the ceremony." "Did you say "right after the ceremony?"" "That's what the man said." "He said that." "You can hear, can't you?" "Do you mean they're not married yet?" "Why do you think we're fooling around with these?" "I don't know, why?" "A little trouble with Honey's vocal chords." "She wouldn't say yes." ""Wouldn't say yes. "" "Gentlemen, I've been wrong." "This visit is no longer a mystery." "Apparently it requires those guns leveled on us to force Miss Honey to marry Mr. Crow." "ELFINl:" "You mean to say..." "Yes, I do." "That explains everything." "I knew it." "I believe she loves me." "She really loves me." "No question about it." "Hey!" "Hey!" "She loves you, she loves you not." "So what?" "Well, don't you see?" "I couldn't possibly permit Miss Honey to marry Mr. Crow under these circumstances." " Don't you agree, gentlemen?" " Absolutely." "Shut up!" "Now sit down." "All of you." "Go on." " Just a minute." "We..." " Sit down!" "Hobart." "Here you are, Tony." "He can't hear any, but he can marry you." "Hello." "I'm the groom and that's the bride." "Get going." "I can't hear you." " I said I'm the groom..." " Too loud." "I'm the groom and that's the bride." "Pleased to meet you, ma'am." " Hello." " And you, too, sir." "I presume you have a license?" "Oh, yeah." "Here it is." "I must have lost my glasses." "This is gonna be great." "Sure." "The best part of it is, he's so near-sighted, he can't recognize us." "I've got them right here." "They don't look so big now, them big musical brains, huh?" "Not to me, they don't." "You gentlemen think you're big because you have firearms, because you know how to load them and pull the trigger." "It would be very interesting to teach you the contrary," " wouldn't it, gentlemen?" " Button it up, understand?" "Beg your pardon, gentlemen, we hate to bother you again." " Well, what you say, Hamp?" " What you say, Satch?" " Bubbles." " Excuse us, Professor." "We got some more questions." "Maybe you could help us answer." "The first question is, "How did music secure a great military victory?"" "We couldn't see what music had to do with winning a battle." "What you all doing, having a meeting here or something?" " What's going on?" " More like a wake, maybe." " Excuse us." " Never mind." "Sit down." "We got a nice lodge seat for you right in the front row." "Well, I got over here first." "Mister..." "Just call me Joe." "Mr. Joe, do you know anything about music?" "It's not one of my best points." "I never went in for that kind of stuff, at least not very much." "Yes, well there was a question put to the assemblage a little while ago, which I would like very much to answer." "You don't mind if we talk, do you?" "Just keep it funny." "Your question was about music winning a battle." " We'd just as soon skip it." " No, no, no." "It's a very interesting subject." "I believe the correct answer would be The Battle of Jericho in which music played a vital part." "A very vital part." "That ain't funny, Professor." "Well, I'm hoping it will be in just a moment." "Are you gentlemen familiar with The Battle of Jericho?" "Yes, sure." " Would you mind singing" " a few phrases to musicians, please?" " Sure." "Now, I'd like you to pay particular attention to the meaning of the words." "All right, gentlemen." "Please." "The meaning of the words." "Well Joshua fit the battle around Jericho" "Around Jericho Around Jericho" "Joshua fit the battle around Jericho" "And the walls come tumbling down" "God knows then Joshua fit the battle around Jericho" "Around Jericho Around Jericho" "Yes, Joshua fit the battle around Jericho" "And the walls come tumbling down" "Good morning, sister Mary" "Good morning, brother John" "I just want to stop and tell you" "Just how I came along" "You've heard about good old Joshua" "Well, he was the son of none" "And he never stopped his working" "Well, until his work was done" "Joshua fit the battle around Jericho Around Jericho" "Hey!" "Break it up." "We don't want any whispering." "Well, I believe we've gone far enough, and we all understand the answer to our problem." " Don't we, gentlemen?" "Yes, yes, indeed." "Now, go on, get to it." "What do you want to do?" "Well, I..." "We would like to try a little demonstration of the effect of resonance and reverberation." " I don't know nothing about it." " Well, we'll try and teach you." " Go ahead, go ahead." " Thank you." "Now, gentlemen, suppose you play the piece you were playing the other day, as I came into the room." " You mean, The anvil Chorus?" " Yes, yes, yes, indeed." " Wonderful, wonderful." " Now, a..." " Can we play, too, Professor?" " By all means." "All of you please join in." "Now, our hope is, in the words of Mr. Armstrong, that this particular music might send you out of this world." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Would you sit down, please?" "Yeah." "Perhaps you'll be a little more comfortable right here." "All right, gentlemen." "If we are all ready now, I suggest that we proceed." "Ready." " I chose the wrong piece." "You didn't send me at all." " Me, neither." " Yes." "It was definitely the wrong piece." "I don't like that kind of stuff anyway." "I quite agree with you." "We must go the other way." "Isn't that true, gentlemen?" "We must go the other way." "We must change our style." " Can we help, Professor?" " That's an excellent idea, Mr. Dorsey." "Perhaps if we change our style to swing, that'll help produce the desired result." "Hey, less talk and more music." "I'm sorry." "I'd almost forgotten about you." "Just one more thing." "As they are playing, would you boys be prepared to cut a rug for this gentleman?" " We dig it, Professor." " We dig it, Professor." "Yes, indeed." "Now you're talking." "That's more like it." "Yes, I thought it was pretty good myself." "What are you gentlemen going to play?" "We'd like to try Flying Home." " That's fine." " Okay, Mel?" "Flying Home." "That's better." "That's fine." "Now repeat after me." " I, Anthony Crow..." " I, Anthony Crow..." "Louder, please." " I, Anthony Crow..." " First class murderer." " ... take thee, Honey Swanson..." " ... take thee, Honey Swanson..." "Who hates and despises you, loathes you." " ... to be my lawful wedded wife..." " ... to be my lawful wedded wife..." " ... for better or for worse..." " ... for better or for worse..." "For worse." "...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..." "I'm sick already." " Now cut that out." " What?" " Never mind." "Go on." " What'd you say?" "Go ahead!" " Did you say something?" " No." "It's that music in there." "...in sickness and in health..." " You just said that." " What?" "Shall I cut out that racket, boss?" "Yeah, yeah, go ahead." " Hey, where's he going?" " He's going to stop the music." "But he can't go." "He's a witness." "He's got to remain here through the entire ceremony." "Okay, Adams, forget it." "Go ahead." "Now I forgot where I was." "Now I've got to start all over again." "This is going to take all day." "Begin where you left off." " What did you say?" " Go ahead!" "Not so loud!" "You hurt my ear." " Now repeat after me." "I, Anthony Crow..." " I, Anthony Crow..." "ELFINl:" "Get his gun." "Get his gun." "And do you Honey Swanson take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to live..." "No!" "No, I don't." " Take their guns." " Take their guns." "Take his gun away." "Hey, wait, I ain't finished yet." "I'm very glad of that." "Put up your hands, Mr. Crow." "Put them up!" "Now, Mr. Crow, we'll settle our differences as man to man, without the use of firearms." "Okay, Hobart." "Take it easy, Tony." "Atta boy, Frizzy, give it to him!" "Sock him, Frizzy!" "Go on, hit him." "Atta boy!" "Give it to him!" "Punch him!" "Give it to him!" "Hit him hard!" "Hit him again!" "Listen, you seven wise idiots." "It wouldn't work." "Remember, Frizzy, no women aboard." "Now, above all women, you want to take a dizzy dame like me." "Now, if you will allow me," "I can cite many examples of love stories from the operas to prove the inevitability of this step." "Yes, I have proof even from the older classics." " From the laws of harmony." " Yes, indeed." "And the laws of counterpoint." "The music of the masters is sufficient." "Yes, indeed." " That hasn't anything to do with it." "Yes, it has." "Gentlemen, I know when words cease to be of use, there remains but one argument." "Come here, Miss Honey." "Oh, no, Frizzy, please." "On the book, please." "But, Frizzy." "It isn't fair." "Isn't it?" "No, it isn't fair." "My goodness!" "Hobart, remember my advice on..."