"I am still not happywith this report, Humphrey." "Then we shall be happyto redraft it for you." "You have redrafted it three times." "That's not absolutely correct." "Yes, it is, I can count." "This is the third draft report." "Thereforeit has been drafted once and subsequentlyredrafted twice." "Don't quibble, Bernard." "We shall be happyto redraft a third time." "And a fourth and fifth." "And a sixth, no doubt." "And it still saywhat you want it to say." "Not what I want it to say." "What do you want it to say?" "We want it to saywhat you want to." "Not anything you don'twant to." "Stop wittering!" "The Think Tank asked us forourevidenceon Civil Service overmanning." "I have briefed a group of civilservants in words of one syllable and they've sent backan unintelligible report, saying the exact oppositeof what I asked them to say." "With respect, how do you knowit says the opposite if it's totally unintelligible?" "All I am saying isthat the Civil Service is grossly overmannedand must be slimmed down." "Quite so." "That is what the report says." "No, it doesn't." "Yes, it does." "No, it..." "Look, what I'm talkingabout is a phased reduction in the Civil Serviceof about 200,000 people." "Are you going to put thatin this report?" "If you were to takethat draft home and study it, you might find that it sayswhat you want it to say." "And if it doesn't?" "Then we can redraft it." "Humphrey, sit down." "Will you give me a straightanswerto a straight question?" "Oh, well, Minister, as long asyou are not asking me to resort to crude generalizationsand vulgar over simplifications, such as a simple yes ornoI shall do my utmost to oblige." "Is that "yes"?" "Yes." "Right." "Here is the straight question." "I thought thatwas it." "When you give your evidence,are you going to support my view that the Civil Serviceis overmanned ornot?" "Yes orno!" "Straight answer!" "If you ask mefora straight answer then I shall say that,as far as we can see, looking at it by and large,taking one time with another, in terms of the averageof departments, then in the final analysisit is probably true to say" "that at the end of the day,in general terms, you would probablyfind that not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very muchin it one way or the other." "As far as one can see... at this stage." "Is that "yes"?" "Or"no"?" "Yes and no." "Suppose you weren't askedfora straight answer?" "Then I should play for time." "Sir Humphrey." "Ah, Bernard, do sit down." "Thank you." "Good of you to pop in." "It's my pleasure." "Bernard, you knowthe Department's report on the Central PolicyReview staff?" "Er, yes, Sir Humphrey." "We haven't had it backfrom the Ministeryet." "No, Sir." "Why not?" "Er... perhapsyou should ask the Minister." "No, I'm asking you, Bernard." "Yes, Sir Humphrey." "You don't seem to be replying." "Yes and no, Sir Humphrey." "Are you trying to be impertinent?" "Oh no." "I would succeed if I tried." "Scotch on the rocks, please." "Yes, sir." "One, sir?" "Yes, just one." "Has the Ministerbeen doinghis boxes properly?" "Yes, he's very conscientious." "Then what's going on?" "You should ask the Minister." "I'm asking you." "But as the Minister's Secretary,I'm responsible to him." "But you are also a public servant." "The average Minister's tenureis less than eleven months, but yourcareerwill lastuntil you're 65, won't it?" "I hope so." "Yes." "So do I, Bernard." "However, the choice is yours." "Er, Sir Humphrey..." "Can I ask youa hypothetical question?" "That's always a good idea." "Well, suppose a Minister,a purely hypothetical Minister, were to be unhappywith a department draft of evidence to a committee." "And suppose that Ministerwere planning to replace it with his own draftworked outwith his political adviser" "and his party..." "I can't believe it." "Oh, no, no." "It's purely hypothetical." "And suppose that Ministerwere planning to bring in his own draft so close to the finaldate that there won't be any..." "Wouldn't..." "Wouldn't be any time forthe Departmentto redraft it forhim." "Well?" "Suppose this hypothetical Minister'sPrincipal Private Secretary were to be aware of this hypothetical draft,in confidence of course, should he pass on this informationto the Permanent Secretary of this hypothetical department?" "Certainly not, Bernard." "Not if this Principal Private Secretaryhad been given the information in confidence." "That's what I thought,Sir Humphrey." "Have a drink, Bernard." "One more thing, Minister." "The evidence to the CentralPolicy Review Staff." "You mean the Think Tank?" "Yes, Minister." "Have you redraftedthe redraft of yourdraft?" "You don'twant it yet, do you?" "Yes." "Why?" "So thatwe can redraft it." "Thatwon't be necessary." "I think itwill." "Drafting is not a Civil Servicemonopoly, you know?" "No, it's a highlyspecialised skill which few outsidethe Service can master." "Nonsense." "Drafts is easy." "It's a game anyone can play." "Notwithout getting huffed." "So could I havethe draft proposal, please?" "Certainly, Humphrey." "When, Minister?" "Later, Humphrey." "Yes, but when?" "You always saywe musn't rush things." "I must ask youfora straight answer." "On what day?" "Tomorrow?" "Monday?" "Tuesday?" "In due course, Humphrey." "At the appropriate juncture." "In the fullness of time." "When the moment is ripe." "When the necessary procedureshave been completed." "Nothing precipitate, of course." "Minister, this is getting urgent." "Urgent, Humphrey?" "What a lot ot newwords!" "You'll forgive me if I say this, but I am beginning to suspect that you are concealingsomething from me." "You and I have no secretsfrom each other, have we?" "I'm sorry, but sometimesone is forced to consider the possibility that affairsare being conducted in a way whichallthingsbeingconsidered,andmakingallpossible allowances is, not to put too finea point on it, perhaps not entirely straightforward." "You're the experton straightforwardness." "So what aboutthe draft evidence?" "since you ask, Humphrey,and to be perfectly straightforward," "I have redrafted it myself." "I don'twant you to redraft it." "I'm perfectly happywith it as it is." "May I be bold enoughto ask what you have said?" "What I wanted:" "Phasedreductions in the Civil Service." "You have frustrated meoveropen government, and the economy drive,this time I'm going to have my way." "The party wants it,the public wants it." "And all we get from the CivilService is delaying tactics." "I wouldn't call Civil Servicedelays "tactics", Minister, thatwould be to mistakelethargy for strategy." "Very droll." "But there is a real desirefor radical reform in the air." "The Select Committeeon Administrative Affairs, which I founded,it's a great success." "Oh, indeed,what has it achieved?" "Nothing yet." "But the party's very pleased with it." "Why?" "Ten column inchesin last Monday's Daily Mail." "The government measuresits success in column inches?" "Yes... no..." "Yes and no!" "Minister, the evidencethat you are proposing to submit is not only untrue, it is also,which is much more serious, unwise." "Now, we have beenthrough all this before." "The expansionof the Civil Service is the resultof parliamentary legislation, not bureaucratic empire building." "So you want me to tellParliament that it's theirfault that the Civil Service is too big?" "But it's the truth." "I don'twant the truth." "I want somethingI can tell Parliament." "Humphrey, you are supposedto enact my policies." "Yet, you seem implacablyopposed to them." "I must knowwhereyou stand on all this." "Where one stands, Minister,depends upon where one sits." "Am I to inferthat you will not support me?" "We will always support you, but as your standard bearernot as you pall bearer." "What are you saying?" "I should have thoughtis crystal clear." "Do not send this report to a body whose recommendationsare to be published!" "That is exactlywhy I'm sending it." "I don'twant to hearany more." "May I say just one more thing?" "Lf it's in plain English." "Very well, Minister." "If you are going to dothis damn silly thing, don't do itin this damn silly way." "Minister,you'll be late forCabinet." "Oh, yes." "Cabinet." "What are we talking about?" "Yourproposals to close downthe Land Registry." "My proposal...?" "Reducing the autonomousGovernment Departments." "Itwas yourproposal." "You have initialled it." "Oh, have I?" "What's in it?" "It'll all go through on the nod." "Got all the stuff?" "Yes." "Come on then,mustn't be late." "Humpy..." "Have you written yourevidenceto the Think Tank yet?" "More or less." "What do you mean?" "The Minister's written it." "Humpy!" "Yes, I know." "All very unwise." "But he insisted." "He's been working at nothing elseformore than a week now." "You should never let Ministersget so deeply involved." "The next thing you knowthey'll be dictating policy." "Yes, I know." "Is this a lengthy Cabinet?" "I don't think so." "Ghastly waste of time." "Yes, but if we're not hereto hold theirhands," "God knowswhat they might not get up to?" "Excuse me, Jumbo." "Yes, Minister?" "I'm recommending to Cabinetto close down the Land Registry." "Why?" "Why?" "Why are we closing itorbringing it to Cabinet?" "What?" "What?" "Why am I recommending it?" "Surely you know." "No, that's why I'm asking." "You said itwould gothrough on the nod, now the PM's startedasking questions." "And I haven't read my proposal." "There was a 9.75 rise in autonomousGovernment Departments." "Yes, of course." "Thank you." "I'm sorry, Jumbo..." "Helping to restrictthe autonomous departments?" "That should find favourwith the PM policy-wise." "Oh?" "Why?" "Veryfashionable simplifyingthe Civil Service especially with this Think Tankrecommendation." "But they haven't reported." "Yes, they have, unofficially..." "They haven't takenall the evidence yet." "The Central Policy Review Staffdon't sully their elevated minds with anything as sordid as evidence." "You may take it thatthey'll be advising the PM to simplify the administrationof government." "Well, that'll keep me busy." "Ah, well." "I shouldn't count on it." "You surely don't expect me,the PM's Senior Policy Adviser, to betray confidences." "Not to yourcolleagues, certainly." "No doubt the grapevinewould inform you by lunchtime." "Inform?" "Inform us of what?" "Your Minister is seeking to reduce overmanningin the Civil Service." "Well, he's going to get his way." "Treasury, the Home Officeand the Civil Service have all proposed to abolishyourDepartment of Administrative Affairs" "and the PM is smiling on the plan." "That's absurd." "Clean." "Dramatic." "Very popularpolitically." "No real inconvenience." "All yourfunctions could besubsumed by otherdepartments." "Jim Hackerwill win throughwith a self sacrificing policy." "The PM will probablykick him upstairs." "Lord Hackerof Kamikaze." "I hardly think that's funny,Daniel or likely." "Why not?" "He ran the leadershipcampaign against the PM." "This could be the PM's masterstrokein one fell swoop." "Approbation, elevationand castration." "You know the PM's motto" ""In Defeat, malice." "In Victory, revenge"." "Abolish my Department." "Out of the question." "Simply can't be done." "I'm sure you knowbest." "By the way, there's a job centrein the Horse ferry Road." "The No. 19 Busstops right outside." "I'm appalled." "You're appalled?" "I'm appalled." "I just can't believe it." "I'm..." "I'm appalled." "What do you make of it?" "I'm appalled, Minister." "So am I. Appalled!" "It's appalling." "Appalling." "I just don't knowhow to describe it." "Appalling." "But I mean is it true?" "Sure he wasn't having you on?" "They can't abolishthis entire department." "It rings true, doesn't it?" "I've just see the jointdepartmental proposal." "Whitehall's full of proposals." "Daniel Hughesis very close to the PM." "What's going to happen?" "Where will I go?" "Well, there is a rumour,Minister..." "Rumour?" "What rumour?" "Ministerwith responsibilityforlndustrial Harmony." "Industrial harmony?" "You knowwhat that means." "That means strikes!" "Every strike in Great Britainwill be myfault." "Oh, marvellous." "Have you consideredwhat might happen to me?" "No." "What?" "I shall be sent to Ag and Fish." "The rest of my career dedicatedto arguing about the cod quota." "And as foryou, Bernard, if your Ministerbites the dustyourreputation as a high flyer will be hit for six." "You'll spend yourcareer in the Vehicle Licensing Centrein Swansea." "It's yourfault." "Myfault?" "Itwas yourproposal to reducethe autonomous departments." "You proposed phased reductionsof the Civil Service." "Don't let's argue about that." "What are we going to do?" "We could put a paperup." "Up what?" "Brilliant!" "Have you any suggestions?" "I don't know, I'm..." "Appalled?" "I do think thatwe should worktogetheron this." "I've heard that before." "What do you mean?" "You telling me what to do,me doing it." "That isn't true." "You've no suggestions?" "Bernard could fetchyour Political Adviser." "You want me to consult Frank?" "Yes, Minister." "And Minister, with respect..." "Don't use that language to me,Humphrey." "What language?" "I knowwhat "with respect" means." "That anything I suggestis beneath contempt." "Ah, Minister." "I really do meanthatwe should work together." "I need you." "Do you mean that?" "Yes, Minister." "Humphrey, how very nice of you." "Minister, if the Prime Ministeris behind a scheme," "Whitehall on its owncannot block it." "Cabinet Ministers' schemesare easily blocked... redrafted, but the Prime Ministeris anothermatter." "We need to fight thisin Westminsterand in Whitehall." "And Weisel might be ableto mobilise the backbenchers." "Yes." "And he might be ableto mobilise the Press." "You've heard the news?" "Bernard just told me." "What do you suggest?" "I can't think of anything..." "I'm appalled." "Mustn't all flap aroundlike a lot of wet hens." "We've got to savethis Department." "I want you to getto the backbenchers to put a stop to this thingbefore it starts." "I'm sorry, but you can't stopsomething before it starts." "Thank you." "Frank..." "Itwon't be that easy." "Itwill be a very popularmove." "A publicity campaign?" "You know:" ""Administration Saves the Nation"Red Tape is Fun"." "Full page ads in..." "Itwas just an idea." ""Red Tape is Fun"" "What about "Red Tape holdsthe Nation together"?" "Well, there's no doubt about it,the writing's on the wall." "The public should think kindlytowards Administration, because of the Europass." "Quite." "Europass?" "European Identity Card." "You've informed the Minister?" "Didn't you do yourboxes?" "No, I was redraftingthe redraft of the draft." "Well, Brussels is about to decree that there is to be a newEuropean Identity Card to be carried by all citizens of the EEC" "The Foreign Officeis ready to go along with it as a quid pro quo fora dealover the buttermountain, the wine lake,and the milk ocean," "the lamb war,and the cod stink." "And the Prime Ministerwants youto introduce the legislation." "Me?" "Yes." "You're pro Europe, you see." "And itwould simplifyouradministration." "So it's a good idea." "Good idea?" "Good idea?" "Good idea?" "Not a good idea?" "Political suicide!" "Trying to make British peoplecarry Identification Papers?" "They'll call it a Police State." "Is this whatwe foughttwo world wars for?" "It's little more than a sortof driving licence." "It's the last nail in my coffin." "You might get awaywith calling it "Euroclub Express"." "Bernard,eithershut up orget out!" "Can't the Foreign Officeintroduce it?" "Thatwas the Prime Minister'ssuggestion, but forthe Foreign Secretaryitwas a Home Office matter and forthe Home Officeitwas essentially and administrative matter,and the PM agreed." "Pass the parcel." "Can you blame themwhen you can hear it ticking?" "The identity card billis planned to be the last actionof this Department." "Wonderful ammunitionforthe anti Europeans." "Don't the Foreign Office realisethe damage to the European idea?" "That's why they support it." "The Foreign Office is pro Europe,isn't it?" "Yes and no... if you'll forgive the expression." "The Foreign Office is pro Europebecause it is really anti Europe." "The Civil Service was unitedin its desire to make sure that the Common Marketdidn'twork." "That's why we went into it." "What are you talking about?" "Minister, Britain has hadthe same foreign policy objective forat least the last 500 years:" "To create a disunited Europe." "We have foughtwith the Dutchagainst the Spanish, with the Germansagainst the French and with the French againstthe Germans and the Italians." "Divide and rule, you see." "Why should we change now,when it's worked so well?" "That's all ancient history surely?" "Yes, and current policy." "We had to break the whole thing up,so we had to get inside." "We tried from the outside,but itwouldn'twork." "Now, we can make a completepig's breakfast of the whole thing." "Set the Germansagainst the French, the Italians against the Dutch..." "The Foreign Office is terriblypleased, it's just like old times." "Butwe're all committedto the European ideal." "Really, Minister." "Why are we pressingforan increase in the membership?" "Forthe same reason." "It's just like the United Nations." "The more members it has,the more arguments it can stirup, the more futileand impotent it becomes." "What appalling cynicism." "Yes." "We call it diplomacy, Minister." "Howwill the othercountriesfeel about identity papers?" "Won't they resist too?" "The Germans will love it,the French will ignore it, and the Italians and the Irishwill be too chaotic to enforce it." "Only the British will resent it." "It's a plot to get rid of me." "They'll abolish your Department." "Perhaps the PM wantsto make absolutely certain." "Don't be so paranoid." "Everyone is plotting against me." "We're on yourside, Minister." "Yes, Minister." "Martin will be on ourside." "Yes, where is Martin?" "I think he's in the House,Minister, where you ought to be." "Let's go and see him." "This is appalling, Jim." "You've done a Samson act." "Samson?" "You've reducedthe Civil Service bureaucracy." "You've pulled the superstructuredown and buried yourself." "A Pyrrhic victory." "No ideas?" "I'd help if I could, but..." "But the Europass..." "It doesn't make sense." "Why can't the PM seethe damage?" "Yes, this Europass issueis the biggest disaster since I asked to join the Cabinet." "I don't think you quite mean that." "Everybody knowsthis Europass thing won't happen." "The PM's got to play along with itbecause of the Napoleon Prize." "Napoleon Prize?" "A NATO Awardgiven once everyfive years." "Gold medal,big ceremony in Brussels." "The PM's the front runnerthis time." "It's forthe statesman who hascontributed most to European unity." "Since Napoleon." "That is if you don't count Hitler." "So?" "What...?" "The awards committeesits in six weeks." "The PM isn't going to rockthe boat until it's in the bag." "You don't put boats in bags." "What's that Bernard?" "Nothing, Minister." "Once the prize is awarded,the PM will dump the Europasses." "Howmany people know aboutthe winnerof the Napoleon Prize?" "It's top secret." "You mean everyone." "No, top secret top secret." "That's it then." "Humphrey, don't you see?" "See what?" "Backbenchers." "Leaks." "The Welsh Nationalist party?" "No." "No." "No." "Oh, I'll come back later." "No." "No." "Don't go, the very man." "Come on in, Daniel." "I want to ask youradvice." "I'll give any help I can." "But if it's about shutting stabledoors afterhorses have bolted, even I am powerless to help." "You won't be powerlessin this case." "It's really a sort of moral dilemma." "Supposing a backbencherwere to put down a question forthe Prime Minister,asking whetherthe Europass..." "Which backbencher?" "Europass is top secret." "You mean like the winnerof the Napoleon Prize is top secret?" "The Ministermeanta hypothetical backbencher." "Quite so, Bernard." "Thank you." "A hypothetical backbencher." "And a hypothetical question asking whetherornot Britainwas going to adopt the Europass." "Highly improbable." "Oh, I agree." "Highly improbable." "But suppose the PMwere to answeryes, itwould be very damagingin the country?" "Yes." "And if the PMwere to answerno itwould be very damagingin Europe?" "To the PM personally." "Napoleon prizewise." "Now, if a hypothetical Ministerwere to get to hear of this hypothetical questioning advance, what should he do?" "The only coursewould be to ensure that the questionwas not tabled." "Serious business,suppressing an MP's question." "There is no othercourse." "The only way to stop himmight be to get him to put down a question askingthe Prime Minister to squash the rumoursabout the closure of the DepartmentforAdministrative Affairs." "Oh, but I'm sure... whatevermade you think... anything but the fullest support..." "You said that a plan to abolishthe Department had been put up, and the PM was smiling on it." "No, smiling at it!" "Smiling at it, not on it." "The whole idea was ridiculous." "Laughable." "Out of the question." "Ajoke." "Ajoke?" "You didn't imagine..." "So that a minute from the PrimeMinister's office confirming this, and squashing the rumour,will be circulated to all departments within 24 hours." "So thatwe can all share it,jokewise I mean!" "Do you really think it's necessary?" "Yes." "Well, I'm sure somethingcan be arranged." "If you'll excuse me." "Checkmate, I think." "Game, set and match." "Can Daniel Hughes fix this?" "Don't Prime Ministershave minds of theirown?" "Certainly." "But as President Nixon'shenchmen once said:" ""When you've got them by the balls, theirhearts and minds will follow"." "Isn't that right?" "Yes, Minister."