"english by sub-stance" "Submitted here is the story of a little boy, and a magical christmas wish, that changed his life...forever" "it began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston it was christmas eve, and all the children were in high spirits that special time of year, when Boston children gather together and beat up the jewish kids." "hey greenbob,uh oh...get him" "but there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits little John Bennett that one boy in every neighbourhood, who just has a tough time making friends hey guys, can i play?" "get out of here bennet, -get lost bennet get out of here bennet, yeah bennet, get lost" "John longed with all his heart,for that one true friend that he could call his own and he knew that if he ever found that friend, he would ever let him go" "well, as it does every year, christams morning finally came all of the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee" "and for little John bennet, christams day brought a very special new arrival." "Wow.i guess santa payed attention to how good you were this year huh... aww, merry christams John" ""I love you"" "he talks." "im gonna name you teddy" "John became instantly attached to teddy, there was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend." "with whom he could share his deepest secrets" ""i love you"" "i love you too teddy you know, i wish you could really talk to me because then we could be best friends forever and ever" "now if theres one thing you can be sure of, its that nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish except an apache helicopter..." "an apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles it is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry." "An absolute death machine well as it turned out, John had picked a perfect night to make a wish" "teddy... teddy?" "teddy" "hug me your my best friend John did you... did you just talk... dont look so surprised, your the one who wished for it arent you?" "yeah... i did wish for it well, here i am... you mean...we get to be best friends for real?" "for...real." "forever and ever?" "sounds good to me" "John was just about the happiest boy in the world." "And he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news mom...dad...guess what, my teddy bears alive really...oh isnt that exciting... no mom, hes really alive, look... merry christmas everybody" "Jesus H Fuck..." "lets all be best friends." "oh my god. -get away from that thing, get over here right now." "but dad..." "GET OVER HERE!" "LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER,COME HERE," "Helen, get my gun." "dad...no... is it a hugging gun?" "Helen, get my gun and call the police im sorry mr bennet, i didnt mean to scare anybody i just wanted john and i to be friends yeah dad, i made a wish last night that teddy was alive, and my wish came true" "oh god its a miracle its a christmas miracle your just like the baby Jesus" "well it wasnt long before the news of Johns little miracle was sweeping the nation out of a Boston suburb comes, what is without doubt the most incredible story a young boys stuffed animal, has magically come to life for unknown reasons" "LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!" "LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!" "before long, teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right" "hello teddy" "you surprise me, for some reason i thought you were going to be taller i thought you were going to be funnier... but for all the fame, teddy never forgot his very best friend, John the thunder cant get us, right?" "nope. were thunder buddys." "and the thunder knows it were totally safe teddy..." "yeah John?" "do you promise that we'll always be together?" "i promise." "thunder buddys for life" "thunder buddys for life." "and that was a promise that niether one of them forgot so...where are John and teddy today?" "well, let me put it this way no matter how big a splash you make in this world, weather your a" "Corey Feldman,Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber... or a talking teddy bear..." "eventually nobody gives a shit" "" "TED" "" "" "look, all im saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life thats bullshit...what about Lori?" "shes hot... no Lori's from Pennsylvania thats not a Boston girl there not that bad... see, the fact that you have to say there not that bad, means that they are that bad you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?" "oh yah, oh yah, hardar hardar oh god...that was so good." "now im gonna stuff my fucking face with pepper flan jesus this is weak, not even getting me high im gonna have a talk with my weed guy working for me... i think it sucks, im gonna have a talk with him" "i dont know you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints ive known this guy a long time, ive known him since 9-11 you remember?" ", i was like, aww shit 9-11, i gotta get high is it 9.30?" "yeah... shit, i gotta get to work i dont know if i can drive its ok ill drive you, i feel fine" "fuck..." "aww shit." "aww Johnny im sorry man, that car just came out of nowhere aww god is it bad?" "John...may i speak with you please?" "shit its alright, go go go." "ill pull out of here hi Thomas, how are yah" "asshole!" "thats my bad, i was sending a tweet" "John, its almost 10 o'clock i know sir, im sorry it wasnt my fault what do you mean?" "well i..i guess i wasnt prepared for a follow up question" "John, all you got to do is not fuck up and you get my job when i go to corporate next month your the new branch manager all you gotta do, is not fuck up... i realise now -good, glad to hear it." "cos in a month...my life, could be your life a cushy 38 thousand dollar a year branch manager, whos personal friends with Tom Scarritt not a bad life is it?" "no." "let me show you something i dont like showing people, cos i dont want them treating me differently" "boom!" "thats me and scarritt wow... god damn right wow im gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late today alright try and be a little more responsable tomorrow i will sir, i promise." ""not gonna let you down goose"" "what?" "Top Gun... so..." "Tom Scarritt... i know that get out of here ok thank you sir and heres your keys,rental agreement, complimentary map of Boston than you for choosing liberty, drive safely thanks -thanks so much." "heard you got busted... jesus Guy, you look like shit man what happened?" "i dont know, i got fucking wasted last night and my phone says i texted someone at 3.15, asking them to beat me up and then at 4.30 i texted the same person saying thanks and you dont remember it?" "no,same as last time it just seems kind of gay doesnt it?" "i dont know, maybe yeah do you think your part of some gay beat up underworld?" "like one of those gay beat up clubs or something?" "i dont now, i dig chicks man, i dont remember any of it i was so fucked up. i might be gay i dont know. do you mind covering for me for a bit?" "i might go lay down in the John hey buddys, wheres it hanging?" "hey Alex whats up?" "you get in the club last night?" "ahh, i didnt get in because the bouncer was douche face but i make friends in the line well thats good i guess." "hey guys, anybody know a nice restaurant?" "like something where they give out free bubblegum in the bathrooms for what?" "Lori and i have been dating 4 years tomorrow." "i wanna take her some place really nice aw, congratulations John you guys have been going out for 4 years?" "my last relationship lasted 6 months." "then she farted in her sleep." "im like, im out of here man." "and i was gone before she woke up wow your not very tolerant huh..." "Lori ever fart in front of you?" "yeah really?" "a million times you italian?" "no why?" "nevermind, take her to biniarta" "John look, dont you think after 4 years maybe shes hoping for something more than dinner?" "like what?" "i dont know. but if it were me, id be expecting a proposal oh come on, no ones expecting anybody to propose... i mean marriage isnt...i mean..." "isnt love enough?" "i submit love is enough you can put the ring in her ass..." "and let her fart it out?" "so bad, but so good... hey by the way, dont let me forget you and i got to nail down a plan for the ruins game tomorrow night oh no i cant, im taking Lori to dinner" "for what?" "well, weve been dating 4 years tomorrow ohh...fuck me, nice let me ask you something, you dont think shes going to be expecting something big do you?" "what..." "like anal?" "no... like a circular gold thing on the finger oh fuck that. its been 4 years Johnny you and me have been together for 27 years wheres my ring?" "huh..." "wheres my ring asshole... wheres my ring motherfucker?" "put it on my fuzzy finger you fuck." "alright knock it off im just sayin... do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move?" "no no no, i dont think and not only that, its the wrong time its a terrible idea, you got the economy, you got the credit bubble, the supreme court look at Haiti i guess i didnt think about that" "well you know, its a factor who are you?" "Flash Gordon, quarterback, New York Jets this is the american fantasy right here a professional NFL player is called upon to save the world. -yeah." "Tom Brady could do that..." "Tom Brady could do that." "hey..." "hey sweetie hey Lori hi what you got there?" "turkey burgers oh turkey burgers, are we having homosexuals over for dinner?" "tonight..." "ha, no just you homos...wooo ...you kinda just re-worded my joke, but haaaa how was work?" "oh it was fine hows your dickhead boss?" "Rex, is fine." "he only hit on me once today so, its a good thing hey Johnny how bout a beer huh?" "oh couple of chowbukowskis... couple of brewstoievskis... maybe a mibrewstowsky?" "perhaps a teddybrewski... thats a good one" "i think i too want a martina navratilovaski oh...no no no that doesnt work" "Bullshit... that totally worked..." "no, no yeah it does, -it doesnt work the name has to have a ski at the end of it, and you just put brewski at the end of martina navratilova i just thought we were saying funny names" "no. it has to have ski at the end of it, else wheres the challange?" "if theres no ski at the end of the root word, then wed just be idiots saying nonsense" "hey -they found the missing hikers they did?" "yeah...-what happened?" "they said they got seperated, and one of them had there foot stuck under a rock for like 5 days" "you know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, id chew it off to get you free you would?" " i sure would is that cannibalism?" "no, i think its only cannibalism if you swallow oh yeah, dont worry about that, cos i dont swallow really...cos thats not what i heard well its not true ok, im a classy broad yeah" "i can see that umm, listen, speaking of classy chow bellas a really expensive restaurant so we can go anywhere else tomorrow." "i really dont care as long as were together are you kidding me?" "no, 4 years we've been going out..." "im taking you to the best place in town i love you i love you too." "and your nasty you wanna get nasty?" "nasty girl" "i dont understand...35 years old and your still scared of a little thunder i am not" "thunder buddys for life right Johnny -fucking right." "alright come on lets sing the thunder song when you hear the sound of thunder dont you get too scared." "just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words fuck you thunder..." "you can suck my dick, you cant get me thunder, cos your just gods fart" "hey Lori...can you set the alarm for 11 A.M?" "i got alot of stuff to do tomorrow" "hi Lori morning" "ok you ok there sweetheart?" "you look a little flustered im fine, i just didnt have time for breakfast and the garage was full ohh and thats right, my boyfriend cant sleep through a thunder storm without his teddybear i dont understand why you keep putting up with him... yeah, the guys 35 and hes working for a rental car service... you guys, its not about that." "i dont care about that id love him if he was a janitor he has a huge heart and we laugh alot its just a bonus that hes like the hottest guy in Boston i dont know, i just wish hed get his life together" "our life...and he cant. and i swear to god it is because of that bear you should give him an ultimatum, its you or the bear no, i cant do that." "that would devistate him besides,what..." "what if he chose ted?" "well hello there, sorry if im interupting any girl talk about Channing Tatum's index finger but Lori, i need to see you in my office the thing is Rex, i have alot of work i need to get through" "oh this is work i swear ugh great." "good luck, -thank you hes such an asshole -out of control... hes such a sleaze. 100 bucks says hes showing her the diving photo" "check this out its me on the high school diving team we dove the shit out of the pool that year you promised me this was about work" "Lori...why dont you like me?" "im rich,im good looking, my dad owns the company... i have a boyfriend..." "i have told you this yeah, the guy with the bear but im talking about a mature relationship Lori if we were together, our babies would be spectacular i mean, my top of the pyramid caucasian genes and your splash of...dark...beautiful..." "smokey...baltic..." "Czech?" "goodbye Rex" "ok, that was perfect would you like me to wrap your leftovers?" "no, im good thank you actually, could you wrap just this up for me please?" "i wanna scare the shit out of somebody sure what are you, like 5 years old?" "yeah but i read at a 6 year old level,so... sir...and madam here is your desert, and champagne ohh...cristal its a special night, we've been dating for 4 years and hey...all those rich black people cant be wrong right?" "doesnt feel like 4 years does it?" "no it doesnt you know, you had no business being out on that dance floor.But im really happy that you were" " this song is so great oh yeah, Chris Brown can do no wrong" "wow you can really move you like that huh?" "check this shit out" "oh my god are you ok?" "oh god, i am so sorry im fine,im fine jesus im so sorry, i didnt see you it was an accident did you hurt your head?" "yeah my head hurts alot oh man, here, let me get you some ice" "sorry...sorry, does it hurt?" "no it...its fine" "ok, heres a test to see how much you actually care about me you remember the night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles till about 5 A.M, we watched a movie on the little tv in the diner" "name that movie..." ""octopussy"" "baby...gold star and by the way, my dancing was not that bad it was pretty bad..." "i have cool moves yeah, and so do people with parkinson's thats not how i remember it ok how do you remember it?" "alright...whatever you say hey, heres to 4 more years huh cheers, -you make me happy" "i know we said no gifts,but..." "we said no such thing... but i got you something anyway, in clear violation of the no gift rule we had no such rule..." "Lori, i wanted to give this to you for a long time" "John... those are the ones you like right?" "from the kiosk at the mall yeah... you know Lori, some day theres gonna be a ring in there but i want to wait till i get you something really special i just do have the money right now" "look, im only saying this because i love you your not going to have any sort of career if you wasting time with ted oh geez here we go... baby, please ask ted to move out so we can move on with our lives" "Lori, look hes been my best friend since i was 8 i was not a popular child, you have to understand i had no friends before he came along hes the only reason i ever gained any fucking confidence" "but your no longer 8, your 35 years old and unless your too blind to notice, hes not your only friend anymore can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?" "oh shit, hang on a second my phone fell under the seat somewhere can you call it?" "yeah" "is that a new ringtone?" "oh, yeah what is it, cos it sounds negative no,no, its from the notebook" "this is gonna take some doing i think -ill just meet you upsatirs then... yeah, ill be right there" "ugh, Lori...your home early what the hell is this?" "the ladys and i were just watching Jack and Jill" "Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister its...its just aweful its unwatchable, but they're hookers so its fine this place is a wreck, who are these girls?" "oh where are my manners, Lori this is Angelic, heavenly,sharinne and sovereign blanc i love you girls." "You know somewhere out there, are four terrible fathers i wish i could thank for this great night what is that?" "what is what?" "theres a...a shit on my floor in the corner, there is a shit" "oh, yeah, we were playing truth or dare..." "ad sharinne's pretty ballsy theres a shit on my floor!" "well, or... or is the floor on the shit... who lives here?" "im coming to get whoever lives here you owe me lobster money haha, thats my buddy Johnny, not the lobster, the guy running it i found my phone, whats going on?" "is that a shit?" "god there are some fucked up fish out there oh look at that one." "waspy white guy fish i married the wrong woman, and now i lead a life of regret oh look at this guy, i went to new york once, in 1981 and i just did not feel safe" "ted, you gotta move out you...what its gotta happen what did i do?" "my relationship is at a very delicate stage, you know" "Lori and i just need a little space right now plus, a hooker took a shit in out apartment oh god -what?" "oh this is so gross dont tell me, i dont want to hear about it. you get it?" "oh my god no i didnt get it!" "oh my god i got some on my thumb no!" "yes i did you can never cook with that hand again oh my god this is the most disgusting thing ever. -get away from me" "look, that was tough night for all of us ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori i mean im just trying to find a way to keep both of you in my life" "shes making you do it isnt she?" "yes, but that doesnt mean we cant hang out." "well hang out all the time yeah but what bout thunder buddys for life Johnny i know. i just dont know what to do here i know it sucks but otherwise im gonna lose her and i do lover her ted" "i know you do Johnny ill help you get on your feet out there, i promise i know, and we'll hang out all the time right?" "all the time all right fuck it, bring it in come here, bring it in you bastard" ""i love you"" "fuck..shit..sorry thats the...the thing im not gay -i know and your not gay so were fine" "we got to get you a job i look stupid..." "no you dont you look dapper i dont. i look like snuggles accountant come on, its not that bad" "John, i look like something you give a kid when you tell them grandma died look, i know it sucks ok but you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment i dont want to work at a grocery store" "yeah but you have no skills i told you, i can totally be a lawyer you get the job, were celebrating after ok ahaa, and if i dont get the job..." "are we still going to smoke that pot?" "probably yes ahaa yeah, good talk coach alright buddy go get em" "and dont worry, ill do my very best to get this job that i so crave so you think you got what it takes?" "i tell you what i got..." "you wifes pussy on my breath nobodys ever talked to me like that before thats because eveyones mouth is usually full of your wife's box" "your hired shit." "well, i am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job this is how the cast of different strokes feels all day, every day.Aweful, they must feel aweful..the live ones must feel aweful." "come on, its not that bad ok i got a shitty job and i assure you i am quite content excuse me im sorry to bother you but, my son and i couldnt help but admire your teddy bear" "oh thank you -thanks im Donny this is Robert i have to say, ive been following you ever since i was a young boy and eh, i remember seeing you on the carson show you were just wondeful" "oh yeah, that was a weird interview" "Ed thought i was Alf. and he kept muttering anti semitic comments." "thought Alf was Jewish for some reason have you ever considered selling the bear?" "what?" " excuse me i want it hey...im not an IT pal im a HE, alright im sorry little guy, but my bear isnt for sale, see ive had him since i was about your age hes very very special to me" "stand up straight when your talking to me why the fuck would he say that?" "sorry, you know you really shouldnt swear infront of children uh look, were very interested in the bear." "if you want to make some sort of arrangement, heres my address and phone number you can call me anytime ok?" "will do look,here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff ok?" "ok see you later ok come on Robert -take it easy what the fuck... can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?" "i can totally see him taking you down to the basement and slowly delimbing while singing some creepy victorian nursery rhyme" ""oh my little sixpence my pretty little sixpence" -stop it" "" i love my sixpence" -knock it off stop it, fuck. why you got to take it to that place..you took it to a...that was real now its a real thing -aww come on,take it easy" "lets just find a better place to get stoned" "well i guess this is it huh?" "yeah, i guess so first night on your own yeah, first night in my beatiful new apartment well itll be great when its furnished yeah. and the guy said it aint hardly had no murders in it, so thats good" "ok, so... if you need anything -yeah i know. dont worry Johnny, ill be fine i know you will" "alright" "hey there hey" "listen, umm i just want to say thank you i know what you did wasnt easy and i just want you to know that i love you for it and... i think its a new beginning for our relationship" "anything for you this is all part of the new grown up John Bennett,so you better get used to him really... well...now i dont have to be at work for another 20 minutes well thats perfect, cos im only going to need 1" "you know what my favourite thing about you is?" "even after 4 years, you can still surprise me and to step up and change such a huge part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier i dont know, i guess most guys wouldnt do that well most guys dont have you to motivate them" "i know im not a talking teddybear, but... at least you dont have to make a magical wish to get me how do you know?" "ohh...is that a Flash Gordon ray gun, or are you just ahppy to see me?" "there you go.thank you very much,please come again we have alot more grocerys" "hey uhh, hey Ellen -yeah?" "whos that over there?" "oh thats the new check out girl i dont know her name. seems cute yeah. very cute you know what id like to do to her?" "something i call a dirty fozzy" "ok...alright...so thats where well draw the line" "hey...how you holding up?" "oh im alright, im just getting used to things thats all its going to be alright i actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend really?" "yeah we were together for 8 months and i really loved him and then he got deported back to Iran, so i know what your going through oh yeah. so i guess we both lost our furry little guy" "we sure did" "hey ted. hey Johnny what are you doing?" "wanna come over and catch a buzz?" "well i could probably stop by after work fuck that, i traded off yesterday so i got the other shift come on, im bored as crap over here." "just swing by for a bit... i cant just ditch work man im trying to get my shit together and be an adult here you know, for Lori's sake" "Johnny, 5 minuites and ill kick you out, i promise just come over." "i got the cheers dvd boxset and the guy down at the store told me everybody talks shit about each other in the inteviews youll kick me out in 5?" "i will kick you out in 5" "John, ill have to kick you out." "i have so much teddybear paperwork to get through it is sick what do i tell Thomas?" "just tell him you dont feel well i got to cut out for a bit, Lori tried to break up a dog fight and guess she got hurt pretty bad oh my god yeah thats the way she is. she sees trouble and she tries to help out" "and i guess one of these dogs clamped its jaws on her forearm, and wouldnt let go untill a fireman showed up and had to stick a finger in its ass" "oh jesus -yeah shes pretty shook up up the dogs ass right... yeah the dogs not the firemans ass i thought the fireman stuck his finger up his own ass i dont think a firefighter would do that, i mean... well go go, take care of it, let me know how she is. thank you." "Go" "woody harrelson...smallest dick ive ever seen on a man see, thats why i watch these things." "its like a cool behind the scenes thing that you wouldnt know oh hey, listen, try this." "i told my weed guy to step it up, and he gave me that what is it?" "its called mind rape, its actually pretty mellow it doesnt sound very mellow well he only had 3 other batches uh, gorilla panic...uh, there coming there coming and something called this is permanent come on , spark it up" "there you go, you got it ahahaha, nice good huh?" "good job -yeah take pride in that -you know, this place looks great aww thanks man, its all Ikea, did the whole place for $47 nice..." "yeah how are the neighbours?" "ah, you know, theres an asian family living next door, but they dont have a gong or nothing so its not too bad thats lucky -yeah it is hows work?" "sucks you?" "you know,not bad actually i met a girl, shes a cashier no way, thats awesome -yeah we should fucking double date, you me and Lori and...whats her name?" "white trash name, guess... mandy?" "no... marilyn?" "no... brittany?" "no... tiffany?" "no... candice?" "no... dont fuck me on this, i know this shit do you see me fucking with you?" "alright speed round.im gonna rattle off some names, and when i hit it, fucking buzz it ok?" " i will tell you you got me?" "alright brandy, heather, shanine,briana, amber,sabrina,melody,dekota ciara,bamby,crystal,samantha,autumn ruby,taylor,tara,tammy,lauren, shelly,shantelle,courtney,misty,jenny, krista,mindy,nowel,shelby,trina," "casandra,nicky,kelsey,shauna,joleen ilene,claudine,savanha,casey,dolly kendra,kyley,chloe,demelu fucking becky?" "no was it any one of those names with a lynn after it?" "...yes... ohh i got you motherfuker, i got you ok...brandy-lynn,heather-lynn, tammy-lynn" "FUCK!" "what the hell hey man, you think you can open more than 1 register?" "theres like a 1,000 people here theres supposed to be 3 open for gods sakes" "stick your finger in the loop of my tag you had sexual intercourse ontop of the produce that we sell to the public" "i fucked her with a parsnip last week... and i sold the parsnip to a family with 4 small children that took guts we need guts." "im promoting you" "you got alot of problems dont you?" "alright karim you suck karim" "hello... hey ted" "oh, hey there fella how are you?" "are you out here all alone?" "uhh,no, no im not you know, your never alone when your with christ, so... no im not alone yeah" "yeah me too" "you know Robert and i could give you a very good home you know, im pretty happy where i am i just got a shitty new apartment i could offer you $6,000 in railroad bonds well you know, since i just returned from active duty in the civil war" "that actually sounds very appealing oh wait, sorry that was 150 years ago and i dont give a shit... ok" "teddy come on, were going to be late for dinner with your friends ok, ill be there in a second baby as you can see, my dance card is quite full im going to have to decline can i just get a hug?" "oh, no..." "yeah and it kills me to have to tell you no." "because im a people pleaser but,thank you for creeping up my night and jesus be with you...-ok in christ" "who was that guy?" "oh, that was sinead o'connor, she dont look so good no more" "how great is this huh?" "the 4 of us out to dinner how long have we been saying we were gonna do ..." "Lori, how you doing?" "i havent talked to you in forever im good the companys having there 20th anniversary party next week, so... thats something" "Lori's a senior vp at a pretty huge P.R firm its not that big of a deal companys turning 20...so you can bang it,but you cant get it drunk" "right... yeah she gets it she enjoys my humour" "yeah, i mean Rex is having a house party, im surprised John didnt tell you considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out well you know, its funny cos whenever Johnny and i hang out" "the first item on our agenda is..." "whats going on with Lori?" "so you know its funny that didnt come up." "it musta have slipped through the cracks we do, we talk about you all the time you remember the other day?" "i was saying how great Lori's hair always looks oh my god it always looks so fucking great i just want to brush it, you know right Johnny... i say that" "so, tammy-lynn. why dont you tell us a little bit about yourself like where you from?" "im always fascinated to meet teds girlfriends what do you mean girlfriends?" "was there like alot of them or something?" "no...thats not what she meant at all right Lori?" ", Lori you didnt mean that no, no, what i meant to say was that teds very handsome, so im always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up did you just call me a whore?" "what?" "you just worry about your own snatch how bout that honey... wow, hey...what the hell happened?" "we were having a friendly meal -this was a nice evening dont talk shit to me i just asked you a question you know, your a frickin snob you think your all cool cos you work at some fancy shit place" "whatever.-ok take it easy." "nice Lori, real nice me...its not my fault she cant speak english oh fuck you. just cos your in the business world and shit, you think everyone should suck your asshole or something?" "ok,alright. tammy, come on honey, lets get out of here. well go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry quicks you know what bitch, i gave birth once, i can kick your fucking ass" "and you better not show your face around quincy, you hear me?" "ever i didnt know you had a baby, is it alive?" "what a cunt... i hate that word -what?" "that word, its like an electric saw slashing everything in its path why would you say that?" "you dint exactly stand up for me... im trying to walk a line here.i want to be fair to you and to him, you know well i think your being a little more fair to him oh, come on... you know your boss called this morning asking how my arm was" "huh...-yeah because of the dog fight that i tried to break up if i had to guess, id say you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work to go to teds." "now... am i right?" "...i made you out to be a hero you know what John, we asked ted to move out, to give ourselves a chance without it your not giving anything a chance if your blowing off work to get high with your teddybear" "your right. ive been getting stoned too much i know that ive been bumming around with ted too much, i know that too" "you give me one more chance, i promise i can fix it" "John, i need a man." "not a little boy with a teddybear i know, done, man right here infront of you, look at these pecks...these are man pecks look at the hair on my upper lip..." "thats man hair i just farted, that was a man fart" "fine... fine John, but this is, i swear to god your last chance trust me, i love you alright, i love you i love you so much." "you wont be sorry i swear did you really just fart?" "yeah...but i pushed it that way with my hand i wonder who its going to hit first" ""so if i told them once, i told them a million times,these numbers do not add up"" "who did this to us?" "god damn it, im here on business" "alright, here we go" "im really glad that you came -me too yeah?" "is it ok if i kick your boss's ass?" "i mean that wont effect your workplace chemistry will it?" "please play nice for you i will thank you -anything" "there she is... i was worried you weren't coming hey there squirt, how you doing?" "wheres your bunny rabbit?" "hes a bear -got it oh my god, this house is fucking huge... i know, try not to get lost." "come on in" "wow, here are the ladies." "look at you guys you guys look amazing little heavy on the eye make up, but pretty good you guys know Lori and Jim right?" "...John hi listen, why dont John and i go get a drink at the bar uh...sure -great, well be right back come on buddy" "thats an old sweater huh this is Wade Boggs autographed bat i just barely outbid phil donoghue for that at auction wow cool yeah...cool these boxing gloves worn by Joe Lewis in his first fight this is art, get it?" "these were John Lennon's glasses there worth like a million dollars thats me and Tom Scarritt ohh...check this out" "thats Lance Armstrong's nut i had it freeze dried and bronzed every now and then, when my lifes getting me down and things are tough." "i just come up here, and i look at it and it reminds me that..." "things arent so bad sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you dont" "so, talk to me Johnny quest, how are things with you and Lori you know, things are great actually oh thats great that ...is...great" "Lori would hate me for saying this, but she told me how you are at the office and as one gentleman to another, i justwant to say, i really fucking hope you get lou gehrig's disease wow...i think we need to clear the air here a little" "i mean yeah, im kind of a fun time boss and what not but look man, i do that with everybody at the office im a cook i have no designs on your girlfriend we work together and thats it" "i think your a great guy." "and shes a very lucky girl well thats good to hear yeah" "excuse me hey ted" "Johnny, were are you you gotta get over here man." "why whats going on?" "ok, so im having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment and John..." "Sam Jones is here what!" "sam jones..." "Flash fucking Gordon ...is here holy shit, what you remember i said my buddys cousin is friends with sam jones?" "well my buddys cousin is in town, and who do you think is with him... sam jones...sam jones is here and John ...his hair is parted down the middle" "just like in the movie... yes!" ", get over here right now fuck i cant,im with Lori and im already on probation i just...i cant" "John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our informative years.he taught us right from wrong, good from evil and the word acting apparently has an extremly broad definition" "Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship John. come share this with me im coming" "Rex, i gotta go. ill be back in like 30 minutes tops ok" "Lori can not find out. she absolutely can not know i was gone if you can cover for me, im cool with all that other shit i got your back on this she wont know ive been there alright, this is one man to another i dont really know you, but im trusting" "you as a man." "this is serious dude...one man to another, i got you on this thank you, ill be back" "im going to have sex with your girlfriend" "oh Johnny thank christ, you made it dude, i got 10 minutes." "where's Flash Gordon?" "ok get ready hey sam, this is the guy i was telling you about" "how you doing?" "good to meet you i thank you for saving everyone of us your welcome ahh,he acknowledged it lets do some shits -with you?" "oh my god...oh my god yes -yes totally lets go" "thanks there you go my friend -thank you" ""death to Ming"" "you know, you guys seem pretty cool you like to party?" "uhh...cocaine right?" "come on dudes, dont tell me you never done it before well uh, not recently no.-i thought that was just for people in florida you better follow me, come on" "Johnny im frightened" "we are gonna party like the 80's show us how Flash its easy, we just gotta nail alot of girls named stephanie oh my god Johnny i got so much energy we better start doing stupid shit" "look Johnny, if were ever going to get serious about opening a restaurant, we gotta start planning it now" "Italian..." "Italian yes whats the specials on tuesdays?" "eggplant parm chopped salad, half price -and its a non restrictive place wait, what do you mean?" "anybody can come ofcourse..." "Jews are welcome yeah, why wouldnt they be?" "exactly, thats what im saying why would you even bring that up?" "you dont bring that up, you let them in so why mention it?" "no one will why are we talking about it?" "your talking about it, im just saying let them in yeah exactly, right, good, ok no mexicans though... this is how everyone sang in the 90's" "trust me, i can do this -shut up let him try man -alright, ok" "son of a bitch ...well you never should have trusted me, im on drugs" "hey Johnny. i just had a great idea lets go get drunk at cars on the overpass oh come on, i do not sound that much like peter griffin" "you can do any 90's song with just vowels" "see, there, proof.Garfields eyes look like a pair of tits you were right if you can punch through this wall you really are Flash gordon you gonna do it?" "im gonna punch through it go on sam, do it -do it oh my god...oh my god yes, he did it what they hell your problem, you breaker my wall, i breaker your wall" "break his arm off -were gonna die" "you breaker my wall, dis my home long time you breaker my wall you bastard men were sorry it was an accident ok.." "i try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere chill out ok, look. can we just talk about this?" "whats your name?" "im John." "my name a Wan Ming" "Ming... you blame each other for war, this bullshit, this all bullshit" ""Deah to Ming"" "let him go" "you crazy, you crazy man come on james franco" "you pay for wall, move sucker" "hey..." "hey guy whats going on?" "this is Gerrard, hes the guy who beat me up and ahh...were in love." "huh?" "turns out im gay, or whatever i dont know i had no idea" "hey Gerrard, lets go grab another one of these" "how we doing ace?" "you coming down?" "yeah, i dont feel so good oh give it a couple of hours, youll be golden pony boy you want a xanax?" "oh shit, oh my god -what?" "i gotta go" "...Lori...i..." "Lori" "Lori, wait please im sorry, i messed up. - i need you out of the apartment tonight can i just..." "give me the car keys can i please just explain..." "no i was...-i have givin up a huge chunk of my life for you i was gonna stop in for like 5 minutes, then Flash Gordon... just give me the car keys" "Lori" "Lori please, i love you, come on" "hey johnny, there you are i had to get some air that dude from your office is on the couch, making out with that Van Wilder looking guy you know what, fuck you, i dont even want to talk to you" "what..." "do you know what just happened?" "do you have any clue?" "my fucking life just ended oh come on, shell go home, shell watch Bridget Jones some asshole, shell have a good cry.she'll be fine." "youll talk to her tomorrow come on upstairs are you even listening to me?" "do you even give any thread of a shit?" "ofcourse i do..." "Johnny, thunder buddys for life, remember jesus, Lori was right.i shoulda stopped hanging out with you along time ago im never going to have a life with you around." "im 35 years old and im going nowhere all i do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fucking bear because of that, i just lost the love of my life" "Johnny...i...im sorry i gotta be on my own ted." "i cant see you anymore" "John, wait, listen" ""i love you"" "so, word through the grapevine is that your newly solo" "Rex, i have alot of work i need to get to i have tickets to norah jones at the hatshell tonight, and i would love it if you'd go with me your asking me out?" "a week after i broke up with somebody... look, im going to cut the shit here please this is the first time you've been single in all the years you've worked here just...go out with me one time?" "and if your miserable, and you hate it.then i promise, i will never hint at the subject again please" "Rex, i dont think its smart im an asshole, i know that." "it worked for me in highschool." "and its been a reflex ever since" "Lori, the worst that can happen is you go on a fun casual date, with a guy who just wants to prove that he can be something more than a jerk plus you are a huge catch, and its about time someone treated you that way" "fuck it, fine sure beats crying myself to sleep every night and if that means getting you off my back,well thats just a bonus ill pick you up at 8" "hey Johnny, its me go away" "Johnny open the door please, i want to talk" "jesus christ, what the fuck man sorry, look Johnny, i know your pissed alright but just listen to me for 5 seconds i saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex what?" "im serious John. i went over to talk to her, maybe take some of the heat off you and there he was, picking her up they were going to the hatshell your fucking unbelievable you know that i mean how stupid do you think i am?" "if you think that by making shit up like that your going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her your out your fucking mind." "John its the truth im telling you you know what, get out of here you know what, your acting like a cock you know that?" "what?" "im acting like a cock?" "yes, you are. so shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me huh?" "...meat hole , thats not right is it...no pudding hole...is that what they say, no cant be that either right.cos how can you have any pudding, if you dont eat your meat pink floyd thing...the point is, your blaming me, for something that you did to yourself" "Lori was right about you. you cannot take any responsibility for anything that goes on in your life oh and you can?" "i dont have to, im a fucking teddybear you know something... i didnt tie you up and drag you to that party alright, i wanted you to come because your supposedly my best friend you cant stand there and tell me you havent always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship" "i mean it works out so much better for you when were getting fucked up on the couch at 9A.M doesnt it?" "listen to yourself, what am i, emperor ming here controlling your mind thats your choice John. and you know by blaming me, you just make yourself look like a pussy you know, sometimes i think back to that christmas morning, when i was 8 years old" "i wish id just gotten a teddy ruxpin say that 1 more time... teddy...rux...fucking...pin" "shit, ou fuck man" "fucking stop" "why you crying?" "my dick is squished by the t.v" "im so sorry Johnny so am i man i love you i love you too" "listen you gotta let me help you make things right with you and Lori theres no putting things right, she fucking hates me look , john, we can get her back you remember when you were 10?" "and you hit that squirrel with your bb gun and then when we seen it fall from the tree we both started crying, you remember?" "and we ran upto it, and we tried to give it CPR and it came back to life" "John, we could do that again ted, we blew out its rib cage and crushed its lungs trying to give it CPR it died" "come on, were going to the hatshell" "thanks. were gonna take a short break, but well be back in a few" "hey, play chopsticks you jazzy slut teddy... how are you?" "how you doing you fuzzy little asshole?" "oh you know, im not a hot half muslim chick whos sold 37 million records, but im hanging in there half indian, but thanks yeah whatever, thanks for 9-11." "hey listen, i want you to meet a good pal of mine alright" "John Bennett...norah jones hi -hey there...sweaty you ready to bring down the house?" "yes ma'am. thank you for the opportunity miss... ma'am...jones thank you jesus, you look fantastic well, your probably not used to seeing me fully clothed i know right. me and norah met in 2002 at a party at belinda carlisle's house" "and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the cloak room actually you wernt so bad for a guy with no penis yeah. you know, ive written so many angry letters to hasbro about that" "thank you so im going to give my chops a rest, and bring a friend upto the stage hes going to sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much please give a big hand, to John Bennett" "oh...my god holy shit" "i gotta fuck her again umm high, my names John bennett and this is for Lori Collins, cos i love you" "and this song always reminds me of the most important night of my life." "the night we met umm, this is the theme song from the movie octopussy" "still better than Katy Perry" "you suck, get off the stage aww come on, give him a chance" "your an asshole" "oh jesus someone call an ambulance" "that was insane did you see the way the guys body hit the ground?" ". it was like a rag doll id rather just not talk about it you want to go get a drink after this?" "i feel like i could use one after seeing a guy almost die uh nope, i think id rather just have you take me home one drink come on no, not really feeling upto it alright, i get it" "and you know, i dont blame you i mean thing about it, it was actually unfair of him to embarrass you like that" "just to be clear, im not embarrassed so John and i have our problems, but at least he tried" "you know what, i dont feel like talking to you about this where you going?" "taking a cab, im going home" "finally" "down here, not looking up your towell, swear to god not looking up your towell, not looking at your funny business ted, what are you doing here?" "i need to talk to you listen if your here to fight Johns battles for him its not... just let me talk first alright, and then you can say whatever you want" "look, John loves you very much more than anything in the world and hes falling to fucking pieces without you he knows he screwed up huge. but you gotta believe me, it wasnt all his fault alright. i told him to bail on you that night at Rex's" "and he said no, he was going to stay there with you and i twisted his arm Lori so if you just give him one more chance i promise i will leave, and ill never come back alright...hell be all yours" "ted, thats a really nice offer." "but i dont want you to do that this is between John and me, and i dont think it can be fixed yeah because of me look look Lori, you want him to be a man but as long as hes got his teddybear, hes always going to be a boy" "hes waiting down at Charlies right now, so if you go down there and just talk to him ill be gone when you get back" "forever and youll see. hell never be scared of thunder again" "michelob ultra tuscan orange grapefruit my god, americas imploding" "high ted fuck!" "Lori...what... hey what are you doing here?" "you can thank ted" "should i...should i sit?" "yeah...if you want -ok so works good?" "everythings good there?" "yeah, works good well i guess we cant make small talk all day huh?" "if its ok with you, i just want to say what i want to say look i could sit here and tell you im sorry, and it was a huge misunderstanding, im ready to change but i dont think you want to hear any of that crap" "im not going to try and get you to take me back. i mean, why would you ive been a really shitty boyfriend for the last 4 years, i dont deserve you look, i know i didnt take our relationship seriously, but Lori" "i do love you more than life itself and i want is..." "i just want to end on good terms i owe that to you alright, i want you to be happy, you deserve that and i just hope, you know, that we can still be friends" "thank you for being so honest that was pretty much it" "thanks for coming by" "yeah as you can see, youve been a part of our family for quite some time welcome home yeah its kinda funny, i got alot of pictures of you guys at my house is he all mine daddy?" "yes he is my little winner, yes he is ted you've arrived at a lucky time, its almost Robert's play hour im guessing you guys dont have a ps3 im guessing your more of a wooden horse with a wig kinda family" "yeah eh yeah, no yeah" "yeah see theres a cart ted, you belong to Robert now." "you do as he says you think your just gonna get away with a kidnapping?" ". its a nice fucking example your setting" "LANGUAGE!" "...sorry sorry" "you know ted, when i was a little boy i saw you on television, and i thought you were the most amazing most wonderful thing id ever seen,ever." "and i asked my dad if i could have a magical teddybear too and he said no can you just email me the rest of this story... and i was so heartbroken" "and i promised myself that if i ever had a son,i would never, ever, ever, say no to him ever maybe no to a snickers bar every once and a while wouldn't hurt me and ted are going to be best friends daddy" "yes you are my little chipmunk" "happy playtime jesus fucking christ i said that word one time daddy punished me for it thats a great story, i felt like i was there daddy gave me an ouch now...i have to give you an ouch" "alright kid you win, what you want to do?" "you want to play a game?" "its playtime right, well play a game yeah, ill play a game -good uh, alright lets see, how about we play a little game of hide and seek?" "i love hide and seek, ill hide now hang on there, your daddy likes you to show good manners, right Tubby McFatfuck ok, you hide first great,fantastic. now,you count to 100 and then you try to find me, ok?" "do i need to wash my hands before i play this game?" "no...thats a weird fucking question, no just start counting" "1...2...3... 4...5...6... 7... ok,no peeking now, or youll get kid cancer" "8...9... 10...11..." "12...13... hey. - hey." "walking home alone huh?" "yeah do you need a lift?" "oh im ok, i mean if i get raped, then it would be my fault for what im wearing listen, John theres something that i need to say to you too" "hey, -hey" "John, i hope that... listen i dont want you to think that... sorry" "i want us to keep talking..." "because i think that maybe... look,whoever this is, its not a good time" "John, its me, can you hear me?" "ted?" "..." "listen i gotta call you back nono no, John dont hang up im in trouble what do you mean?" "what kind of trouble?" "they got me, that freaky guy from the park and that kid who i think is his son, but may also be his lover, i dont know wow wow wow, slow down." "where are you?" "uh..im not sure.its uh... hello..." "hello John... hello... your not a very polite guest are you?" "shit!" "ted, hello... ted whats the matter?" "is he ok?" "i dont know -well where is he?" "i dont know, he just said he was in trouble can you call him back?" "no its blocked wait a second" "go, take colombus to hylton, get on the express way" "hello, 911." "i need the police right away this guy took my teddybear hello... let me out of here, you crazy bastards" "oh...oh...i hear the fat kid running, i hear the fat kid running." "...that is hilarious come on, let me out of here i am a citizen of the United Stated of America, and i have rights" "Robert, seatbelt should be right here somewhere" "Johnny wow wow wow, stop stop stop thats them,turn around" "stay with them" "hang on" "back off Susan Boyle" "oh my god, hes gonna jump get closer" "alright, easy..." "come on ted" "shit -yes hey Johnny, total T.J Hooker right?" "yes!" ", fucking A right!" "go go go" "daddy lets see how well you know these streets" "where is he?" "jesus" "there he is, pullover" "no...you cant have my teddybear... holy shit sorry, somebody had to go joan crawford on that kid come on" "ted... oh my god" "ahh shit" "jesus, stay here -no no no John wait John -stay here" "your mine ted screw you pal, i belong to John Bennett but i can give you love and rocking horses, and dancing i think we're very far apart on this" "ted..." "Johnny" "oh my god ted" "John" "Lori, get the stuffing." "get it all" "Johnny... your gonna be ok buddy, can you understand?" "your gonna be fine jesus, i look like the robot from Aliens look at me buddy. i promise, your going to be ok i dont think so im a...im...im in trouble i need...i need to tell you something" "what is it?" "dont...dont ever lose her again shes the most important... most important part of your life even...even more than me" "shes your thunder buddy now shes... i got it" "baby, i dont know if this is going to work please, just try" "come on buddy" "im so sorry you did everything you could" "im so sorry" "ted im alive Johnny, -oh my god im alive your magic always worked your back, i cant... yeah, i mean when you sawed me up, you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places John" "ima little fucked up, but will you take care of me forever and ever?" "nah...im just kidding with you, i thought it would be funny if you thought i was fucking retarded you asshole..." "come here you bastard" "welcome back ted it was you... you did it... son of a bitch." "you wished for my life back no...no no i wished for my life back" "i love you i love you too" "and i want you to know that after last night, i dont want to lose anyone that matters to me ever again im not gonna wait any longer for my life to start ...Lori will you marry me?" "all i ever wanted was you John Bennett" "and so, John and Lori and ted, lived happily ever after having discovered at last, that all they really needed was each other" "John and Lori were married in Cambridge, by a very special justice of the peace by the power vested in me by the New York Jets and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo i now pronounce you, man and wife" "you may kiss the bride Johnny" "thanks so much for coming my daughter better be alive you sick son of a bitch" "i am so... fake happy for her" "ahh, you know sam, theres only one way to end a perfect day whats that?" "Flash jump right... 1...2... 3..." "yeah" "and thats the story of how 1 magical wish,forever changed the lives of 3 very special friends ted and Tammy-Lynn continued there torrid love affair for quite some time one afternoon, ted was caught behind the deli counter,eating potato salad off of Tammy-Lynn's bare bottom" "he was instantly promoted to store manager" "Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with the goal of restarting his film career he currently resides in burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his room mate brandon routh remember brandon routh, from that god aweful superman movie?" "jesus christ... thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us" "Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori not long after, he fell into a deep depression and died of lou gehrig's disease" "Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy the charge was dropped when everyone realised how completely stupid that sounded" "Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become taylor lautner english by sub-stance"