"I've got to admit, Dad, you really surprise me." "Giving Sam your old car is really generous." "You're getting soft in your old age." "Hey, she's my grandbaby." "I want her driving around in something safe." "So what are you gonna use to get around?" "I'm gonna keep driving my car." "Excuse me?" "I figure you're only gonna take Sam out for a driving lesson once a week." "So we'll leave the car parked at my place and you can call and schedule the time to use it whenever you want." "Schedule a time?" "Hold on." "Who's gonna pay for the maintenance and the tags and everything else?" "Well, I'm old-fashioned, and, you know," "I'd make Sam get a job so she could pay for it, but it'll probably end up being you." "You're like an evil Tom Sawyer." "I'm not gonna paint your fence and I'm not gonna buy your car." "Here, take your pink slip back." "It's too late." "I already told Sam and she's thrilled." "But if you want to break her heart, it's your car." "You can't take advantage of me, old man." "I know where you live because I pay your rent." "This is why you don't get cable." "Sorry." "Sorry." "I'm sure you all heard that." "Little problem with my dad." "I accidentally confused him with a caring and loving grandfather." "How'd that make you feel?" "Well, thanks, Ed." "I appreciate your concern." "It was a little upsetting." " Really?" " Yeah." "Why don't we talk about it for six months?" "Did you use your tools?" "Well, you're clearly having a worse day than usual." "Why, because I'm not my usual ray of goddamn sunshine?" "Well, let's try to turn it around today." "Talk about the positive things we can take from negative experiences." "For example, I just found another reason not to be sad when my dad dies." " Who wants to go next?" " I will." "I had a negative experience that taught me that a good friend is the most important thing in the world." "Well, that's great." "How did you learn that?" "'Cause I was at this club and this girl gave me a dirty look." "So I threw my drink in her face, but the stir stick hit her in the eye and her friend was nice enough to take her to the hospital." "That meant a lot to me." "I've got another positive spin on that story." "That's great, Ed." "Let's hear it." "Well, an innocent girl got tired of using her eyeball, so Lacey tries to poke it out for her." "Of course, I'm not a professional." "I can tell you what else you're not... a subtle drunk." "I can smell the Old Grand-Dad from here, old granddad." "Ed, what's in the can?" "Narc." "Ed, you can't drink in group." "I can fix that." "I'll go home." "Hey, look, I made a positive out of a negative." "Ed, Ed, Ed, please sit down." "No, no, it won't do any good." "I'm not getting any better." "What's 20 minutes gonna do?" "I'll just call my wife and tell her to burn my dinner early." "She's the only reason I'm here anyway." "Wow." "Your wife makes you come here?" "No, it's purely coincidental that if I don't come, my wife said she'd leave me." "Ed, Ed, these are all things you should talk about in group." "Why don't you stick around?" "Nope, I'm leaving." "You can't stop me." "Yeah, let's just leave that to the telephone pole at the end of the block." "Okay, because of that, you're taking Ed home." "Hey, it's all right with me." "'Cause I actually care about my fellow human beings." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "That was way too easy." "Where were you planning on taking him?" "Transvestite bar in Koreatown." " Lacey, would you take Ed home?" " I'd be glad to." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lacey." "Black comedy club, South Central." " Nolan?" " Yeah?" "I trust you." "Would you please take Ed home?" "Okay." "I only have a twin bed, but we can sleep head to toe." "Ah, that was great." "I told you you'd like it." "High five." "Listen, I'm having a problem with one of my patients." "Seriously?" "Untie me." "Well, I would, but then you wouldn't listen to me talk about one of my patients." "Ed has been very disruptive in group." " Pickles." " What?" " I thought that was our safe word." " No, we changed it." "Anyway, he's a tough old guy." "I've had clients that age." "Sometimes they're just too set in their ways." "If he's a problem, cut him loose." "While you're at it, cut me loose, too." "No." "No." "No man left behind." "I've got to find a way to help him." "Spackle." "Close." "But it doesn't matter." "I thought maybe we could go again." "Already?" "Yeah, I used that Chinese herb stuff you gave me for my birthday and it works." "No wonder they got two billion people." "You're kidding me." "I forgot to get you a gift, so I just dumped some spices and tea in a jar." " That was a joke." " So it was all me?" "Well, I'd like to think I was in there somewhere." "Maybe this could work for Ed?" "Are you two having trouble in the bedroom?" "No, no, no." "But if I can convince Ed to take some kind of magic bullet that'll suppress his anger, he'll believe it and feel less angry." "Nope, bad idea." "Placebos are fine for drug research, but not for therapy." "And are you okay with lying to a patient?" "Well, I'll have to tell him eventually, but hopefully by then he'll have enough positive results and realize that it was in him all along." "But you tell me if you think I'm wrong." "You're wrong." "See?" "Even you're not sure." "Holy crap." "How many pages do I have to fill out just so you can go on a field trip to feed the homeless?" "Well, I need your permission to go into that neighborhood." "There's a homeless neighborhood?" "Here's an idea." "Let's build some houses there." "Okay, fine." "Let's do this." ""Does your child have lice?"" "No." ""Any emotional issues or disorders that might create a difficulty for your child to participate in this activity?"" "Do we finally tell them I have OCD or not?" "I thought we were going to save that little gem for college when we start begging for financial aid." "You write down OCD, sweetheart, and it could ruin your chances of getting a job someday." "Or it could help me land that touch-everything-twice job I've always dreamt about." "Thanks for the parenting advice, Dad, but we want Sam to think of you as more of a cautionary tale." "All right, we will leave this decision for the next field trip." " There you go, sweetie." " Thank you." "You ask me, all this paperwork's a lot of nonsense." "When I was a kid, we learned how to milk rattlesnakes in school and nobody had to sign crap." "Are you ever going to stop being a pain in the ass or have you just given up?" "Hey, Charlie, before I leave, can I ask you something about Kate?" "Does she hate me?" "No." "No, she likes you." "Why?" "Well, I texted her a couple of times about us going out together and she never got back to me." " I know she's really busy." " Well, it kind of bums me out." "I mean, I barely have any women friends and I just thought, you know, you guys are so close, she must be pretty fun to hang out with." "I wouldn't say fun." "I mean, we're friends, but I bring, like, 80% of the fun." "She may be 10." "There's another 10% that's, like," "I don't know, accidental fun." "Well, then, maybe think about the three of us doing something together sometime." "That could be fun." "Oh, I have thought about it." "You're right, it could be fun." "Hey, guys." "Thanks for coming in early." "Something I want to talk to you about." "Hey, where's Ed?" "That's what this is about." "I asked him to come at the normal time." "Now, I know we all think Ed can be a pain at times, but deep down I think we all care about him and don't want to see him suffer, right?" "Oh, my God." "We're gonna have him put down." "No, we're not gonna have Ed destroyed." " But..." " No." "I'm just gonna be trying a new technique on him." "But in order for it to work, I need you all to participate." "You're gonna be taking placebo pills." "I'm gonna tell Ed that it's been proven to decrease anger and negativity while filling you with a sense of euphoria and love for your fellow man." " Like ecstasy." " Yeah, yeah." "I guess we're pretending that there are similar qualities, sure." "Well, why can't you just give us ecstasy?" "Because it's illegal and I'm not gonna hand out any real drugs." "I just need you guys to pretend that you've been taking it for a week and it works." "I have a better idea." "Why don't you give Ed the sugar pill and we'll take the ecstasy?" "I'm not giving anybody ecstasy." "You're all taking sugar pills." "It's called deception therapy." "But the only way it works is if you all participate." "One more question." "Will this placebo react badly with my ecstasy?" "Ed." "Perfect timing." "I was just checking the results of the new pills" "I gave the group after you left early last week." "What kind of pills?" "It's a pill that actually reduces anger while promoting feelings of love and tolerance." "I'd love for you to be part of the test group." "We're seeing great results." "Just ask Patrick." "Well, uh, I started a week ago and I have never felt happier." "Which kind of happy?" "I just got Cher tickets happy or I just met the queer guy from "Glee" happy?" "Oh, Edward." "You see?" "Patrick's a totally different person." "But this one's gay, too." "All right, maybe I will try as long as it doesn't interfere with my cholesterol medicine." " It won't." " What about my blood pressure pills?" " Absolutely not." " My prostate pills?" "Antifungal?" "Blood thinner?" "Restless leg?" "Sleepy leg?" "No, I'm pretty sure this is one that just blends in with the crowd." "All right." "You've sold me on it." "I'll go get some water." "Boy, I hope this works." "Because if it doesn't, I'll probably lose my wife, my house, and everything that's dear to me." "Mmm, sugary." "I just got your text." "Please don't make me go out with Jen." "Just once." "Otherwise she wants to hang out with both of us on our playdate nights." "And that's worse." "Right?" "Right." "I can't do it." "I hate lying to Jen about us." "It makes me feel like a creep." "Look, you and I were just friends back when Jen and I were still married." "If she finds out we're sleeping together now, she'll never believe we weren't doing it back then." "Even if that's true, Jen and I have nothing in common." "One time." "It'll be way better than her trying to hang out with us on the nights we want to have sex." "Right?" "Let me know." "All right." "How are those pills working out for everybody?" " Awesome." " Great." "Ed?" "I'm so happy I could kiss all of you." "Ed, what's happening to your face?" "Are you having some kind of a stroke?" "Oh, my God." "You're smiling." "Yeah." "I've never been so happy." "I was pulling out of the Home Depot last night and somebody blocked me in." "But I didn't get pissed off." "I just sat in my car and watched two Mexicans eat shaved ice." "It was beautiful." "Actually, Ed, I think any ethnicity eating shaved ice is beautiful." "That is a good thought, Patrick." "Oh, before we start, my wife and I are having a little shindig for our 40th this weekend and she asked me to invite my friends." "I look around this room and that's all I see." "I'd be honored to come." "And I'm sure everybody else would be as well." " No, I can't." " I have plans." "I'm bleeding." "That's too bad." "You remember that brother-in-law I told you about?" "The one I went after with a machete in that game of horseshoes a couple of years ago." "Well, I feel so good that I've invited him and we're gonna finish that game of horseshoes." " Yeah, I could make that." " I would like to come." " That's fine." " Ed, Ed, this is amazing." "He triggered probably your worst blackout rage." "I'll tell you, Charlie, he makes me mad." "Well, used to." "But I feel like a new man now." "And I'd just like to say thank you." " You're welcome, Ed." " Not to you." "To the guy that invented those pills." "Now if the pill can only do something about my damn prostate." "This is fantastic." "Ed is on the verge of a tremendous breakthrough." "We are about to witness the power of the human mind overcoming years of hostility and anger." "Yeah, and we're probably gonna get to watch him kill his brother-in-law with a horseshoe." "And that's why I'm convinced that my little Hungarian grandmother on the way to Ellis Island invented the body shot." "Could we have a little more wine over here?" "You know, I have to be honest." "I was a bit hesitant to go out with you." "I just don't have a lot of luck hanging out with women." "Really?" "Me, too." "It's the way we look, isn't it?" "I don't know what it is." "But most women think I'm a bitch." "I know I did." "What did you think of me?" "I thought you were so hot, you had to be stupid." "That is so sweet." "No, I mean it." "Well, I believe you, 'cause, you know, you're a lesbian." " Jennifer." " Yeah?" "Take a drink." "You're gonna need it." "Are you gonna hit on me?" "Wait." "Okay, go." " I'm not gay anymore." " Oh!" "What happened?" "I was never strictly gay." "And now I'm officially not." "Oh, was it a tragic affair with some girl who broke your heart?" "Or did you just miss the banging?" "The banging." "This is perfect." "Listen, you're looking for a guy, I'm looking for a guy." "We could go hunting together." "We're cougars." "You don't want to hang out with me." "I'm an academic." "I'm really not a lot of fun." " That's what Charlie said." " Really?" "Yeah, but, you know, I bet under all that black stuff is somebody who wants to bust out and have a good time." "Here's the deal." "Thursday, El Tostada on Ventura Boulevard, half-price skinny margaritas." "You like musicians?" "Because there's a guitar store down the block and a bunch of those dudes come in." "Oh, that is definitely something" "I would only do with you." "Then, to us." "Meow!" "Yeah, don't do that." "Hey, guys." "Sorry I'm late." " Hell of a time finding this place." " Me, too." "I put "white racist guy" in my GPS, this whole side of town lit up." "I know." "Pretty sure I drove past a White Angus Steakhouse." "Lacey and I just got here, too." "We had to stop and buy some vitamins from her friend in a Burger King parking lot." "That's worrisome." "Hey, there's Ed." "We should go over and give him a hug." "Wait, we should give each other a hug." "Are you drunk?" "No, I'm just on ecstasy." "But I did wash it down with a mojito." "We'll talk about this in group." "Yes, we will and for the rest of our lives." "I'm dancing away." "Hey, Charlie." "Glad you could make it." "Are you kidding?" "I wouldn't have missed it." " How's everything going?" " Oh, pretty good." "Wife's happy." "Come here." "I need to ask you a question." "Is it safe to take two of these in one day?" "Sure." "It says as needed." "Good, because here comes that son of a bitch again." "There you are." "Come on, tell me where you're hiding the good scotch, you cheap bastard." "Hi there." "I'm Charlie." "You must be Ray, Ed's brother-in-law." "That's who I am." "Thanks, I almost forgot." "Jerkoff." "No, seriously." "It's good to meet you." "Ray, these are friends of mine." "This is a party." "I'd appreciate it if you'd make a little effort." "Well, there's a healthy attitude." "And who among us wouldn't be better off by making a little effort?" "Wait a minute." "I know who you are." "You're Ed's shrink." " That's right." " Well, congratulations." "You turned him into a real puss." "I tried to take him on a hunting trip." "He said, "No." "Too many anger triggers."" "Puss!" "Ed, weren't you gonna show me around the house?" "No." "Yeah, give him a tour of Casa Disappointment." "And after that, I want to finish that game of horseshoes." "I've been waiting a long time to kick your butt." "You got it, Ray." "Ed, Ed, Ed." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Ed." "Look, you've been doing a great job." "But now it's time to walk away from this guy." "I can handle this." "I just need to take a few more of these pills." "Look, Ray is beyond what these can handle." "Truth is they're..." "they're sugar pills, Ed." "They're placebos." "You've been giving me sugar pills?" "Well, here's the best part." "That means you've been controlling your anger on your own." "You used to be Ed the angry old guy." "Now you're Ed the old guy." "And everybody knew about this but me?" "I feel like a damn fool." "You've got about 10 seconds to get off my property." "Ed." "Ed, Ed, you're not a fool." "You've had a breakthrough." "So why don't we just enjoy the party and we'll talk about this Tuesday in group?" "What do I need group for?" "You just said that I can control my own anger on my own." " Hey, Ray." " Huh?" "I'm changing my mind." "Pack up the guns and booze." "We're going hunting." "All right." "So it didn't go well?" "Hey, for a placebo test, it went very well." "Usually half the group gets heart disease or cancer." "Ed didn't get any of that." "But you lost a patient because you tricked him." "I know, I know." "He doesn't trust me anymore." "I get it." "So why do you think you went so far to help this guy?" "Good question." "Well, does he remind you of anyone?" "I don't know." "Just another old guy like my dad." "Real stubborn." "Won't listen to anyone like my dad." "Drinks a little." "Doesn't respect me, you know, like my dad." "You know who he reminds me of?" " Wilford Brimley." " Stop it." "You know, ever since your father came back into your life, you've been extremely frustrated with him." "And you've transferred your need to change your dad into another stubborn old guy..." "Ed." "You're not going to change Ed, so break this pattern." "Let him go." "You're right." "I'm gonna go get Ed back." "What do you want?" "I want to apologize." "One of my jobs as your therapist is to help build your trust." "And in this case, I feel like I might have taken advantage of it." "So you want me to come back, I guess." "Yes, I do." "What's in it for me?" "Just the chance to make your life free from the emotional turmoil that's followed you around like a black dog for the last 70 years." "Not enough." "I want a discount." "20%." "This set me way back." "You're right, it was a horrible setback and I am responsible." "But I'm seeing this as more of a 10% setback." "10's fair." "I'll just grab my sweater." "Oh, and I need your Sigmund Freud on that." "Ed, this is from the Superior Court of Los Angeles." "Yeah, I forgot to tell you." "They said if I don't want to go to jail, I've got to go back to anger management." "You tried to kill your brother-in-law?" "No." "I just took him deer hunting." "We got in the middle of the woods and I made him put some antlers on his head and run through the forest making deer noises." "Okay." "Wow." "Many questions." "Why would he agree to that?" "A man will agree to a lot if a gun's pointed at his nuts." "So legally you had to come back anyway." "Yep." "Tricked you." "Feels good, don't it?" "Oh, Ed, just one more thing." "You said you made your brother-in-law run around and make deer noises." "Just exactly what does a deer sound like?" "Well, in this case, it was, "Help me!" "Help me!"" "I'm a man, not a deer!"" "Thanks." "That was bugging me."