"Oh, a letter from Elizabeth!" "Oh, beautiful lass, how you love me." "iii see what you tell me in your letter . and ill compose a sonata inspired by it." "Lets see." "My dear Johann, I have thought a lot about us." "You know how much I admire your art..." "Well..." "Hallelujah!" "You are a real artist." "Hmm..." "And now how do I continue?" "Oh, I know." "Dear Johann, on the first few days I have missed you a lot." "I have felt very alone among all those unknown people." "Why would you never ask for my hand?" "Dear Johann, I still remember that evening in which we walked through the Regenwald forest  and everything was beautiful." "The skylark was singing..." "The crickets sang too." "So did the swallows." "And the mountains, too,..." "And the mountains, too, were beautiful." "I remember how we flung ourselves on the grass,  your kisses,  your strong embraces,  and how the flames of our love were stoked and that happened." "That..." "That was quite agreeable." "Johann, how fortunate I am to have you as my confidant." "Hallelujah, you are a real friend." "Last week I went to one of those tedious balls  at the house of the Duchess of Genoux." "It was in honor of the young and handsome Duke Alfred,.... ... who was back from the Caribbean." "Sugar!" "Spice!" "The young and handsome Duke Alfred insisted I accompany him  to another party,  an intimate party." "Then we went to his palace." "Hallelujah, a real palace!" "He took me to see the great ballroom,  the stables,  the aviaries,  and finally, his bedroom." "And there, passionately, he..." "Cut it out, okay?" "!" "iii never forget that torrent of passion." "And once more, on the carpet  hanging from the chandelier,  in the bathtub..." "Hallelujah, at last a real man!" "Within the output of the celebrated composer" "Johann Sebastian Mastropiero,  the titles of his works deserve a special chapter." "Often they are inspired by well-known titles by other composers,  such as, for example, his seventh symphony, "Pathétique"." "Strictly speaking, the description "pathetic" should be applied to his entire production." "Also finding their way into history are other symphonies by Mastropiero  with more informal appellations, such as "the improvised Symphony,"  "the imperfect Symphony," "the Mess"" "... and "the Disgusting Symphony."" "Mastropiero had a tumultuous erotic life  which is also reflected in the names by which his symphonies are known." "Thus we have, in order, number three, "the Ardent Symphony,"  number fifteen, "Contemplative," and number sixteen, "Unfinished,"  and lastly his symphony seventeen in F major, "impotent."" "Neither should we forget his opera "Non voglio mangiare: no, no e no!",  subtitled "Italian Capriccio,"  or his famous ballet "Les Sylphides, and How to Avoid lt."" "But one of his most curious titles is that of the work  we will now hear:" ""On How Princess Cunégonde of Rochester  mocked her suitor Robin de la Parmentier  in complicity with a page (her own page),  and on how she scorned his musical instruments one by one."" "A tie." "Yes, one-one." "No, when I saw it, I..." "No, wait, let me explain." "Er..." "Let us therefore hear this delicious score of Mastropieros." "Tenaciously wanting to get hitched he will now sing his serenade - by the princess hes bewitched with her silvery hairs aid." "I love you, I love you" "and your love I ask of you." "Dont be offended if I give voice to a fact about Grand Duke Cardoso..." "Juan  the instrument he employs is frankly a grander one." "I love you, I love you" "and your love I ask of you." "But Cardoso steals my heart with a physique worth medals  when he displays his serenading art while on his bike he pedals." "I love you, I love you!" "And I demand your love, energetically!" "Cardoso is almost perfect and arouses my love, no ifs or buts  when he plays his instrument made with fourteen coconuts." "I love you, I love you" "and my love is bigger than Cardosos." "Cardoso manages in a moment to make love in my heart find refuge  when he plays his instrument that is truly huge." "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you" "and your love I demand immediately." "Its possible that some day Cardoso from my brain lll squeeze,  but now, before you leave, tidy everything up, please." "But in the end, why didnt you marry Cardoso?" "Cardoso is almost perfect, with him you want fun and games,  but he has a great defect:" "he doesnt like dames." "Cardoso its hardly inscrutable - clearly put a gleam in your eye,  and if you dont find him suitable  who gets Cardoso?" "I!" "Congratulations, sir, my compliments!" "We are about to achieve our dream..." "... of modifying the national anthem." "At last." "Approval has just been given to the creation  of the Commission for the Maintenance and Permanent Updating  of the National Anthem." "The CMPUNA." "And you and I have been appointed members of honor of the commission." "Its a great honor for us and a great victory for our party,  The Blue List Statist Liberal Front." "Long live Bluelistism, sir." "As of this moment the country has a new and important commission,  a great contribution to our institutions." "That true in addition, you and I had never been  in such a major commission." "Thats right, up to now we had always collected  major commissions." "Hey, dont say that." "No, no, what are you saying?" "No, sir, please..." "Hah, hah, hah, hah!" "How witty, sir." "Look here, with regard to the musician whom well ask to modify the anthem,..." "..." "lve been thinking..." "Congratulations, sir." "A healthy exercise." "Hah, hah, hah, how witty, sir." "lve been thinking he should in principle  be a musician who shares our partys ideals,  if possible, one of its members, lets say, a musician whos addicted to it." "I know several musicians who are addicts." "In fact I used to get them..." "No, sir, addicted to the cause!" "Hah, hah, how witty, sir!" "He should also be a musician  who is sensitive to majority tastes." "Of course, he must be a successful composer, a quality musician." "Yes, one of the two." "And further, excuse me, sir..." "What are you doing?" "What?" "What are you doing, may I ask?" "Raising my socks." "And now?" "lm raising..." "Dont tell me anything." "... the bow tie." "Heh, heh, heh." "Er..." "No, I..." "Heh, heh, heh." "Not even like that." "Returning to the subject of the musician to modify the anthem,  you see, ive heard very good reports about Maestro Mangiacaprini." "Hes very famous." "Oh, youve heard about him?" "No." "The thing is, ive spoken to him over the phone, and hes expecting us at home." "At MY home?" "Heh, heh, hes an intruder." "No, sir,...at his home." "Hah, hah, how witty, sir." "Lets go to his home." "Maestro Mangiacaprini!" "Tiny tot, naughty thing, Give me a little rap." "Tiny tot, naughty thing, Give me a little rap." "Tiny tot, naughty thing, Give me a little rap" "Give me a little rap" "Give me a little rap lll give you a little rap - you give me the bottle cap." "Oh, that must be the politicians!" "Yes, coming, coming!" "Yes, come in, come in." "Maestro Mangiacaprini, how do you do." "lm the one who spoke with you over the phone." "Fine, fine." "Pleased to meet you, Maestro. lm the one who didnt speak to you over the phone." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah." "More than that:" "Huh, huh!" "Maestro Mangiacaprini, we represent the Blue List Statist Liberal Front." "As you know, weve just won the elections by a wide margin..." "... and weve taken over the government." "Congratulations, gentlemen." "Were great admirers of your artistic career." "Oh, oh!" "Well, actually, in fact..." "Especially a niece of mine, a real fan, she has all your records..." "Tell your niece to give them back to him." "Hah, hah, hah!" "Hah, hah, hah!" "Hah, hah, hah!" "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah!" "More than that:" "Ahahahaah!" "Thanks for the praise, but what motivates your visit?" "Well, you see, our party wishes to commission the national anthem from you." "But we already have one." "Of course we do, but we want to improve it, modernize it." "See here, Maestro Mangiacaprini, the Blue List Statist Liberal Front  the party to which ive belonged ever since I reached the age of reasoning,  in other words, since we took over the government,  we have formed a Commission for the Maintenance  and Permanent Updating  of the National Anthem, the CMPUNA,  and we have thought of you." "lm very grateful, but I dont know if lm the right person." "I dont have the proper training." "The truth is, lm rather inept." "Thats why weve chosen you, I mean,  because we need a young person, without prejudice." "In addition, Maestro, youd be paid very well." "You know our party has a majority in parliament,  which means well obtain a bulky budgetary allocation  for the Commissions work." "This means that, if the gentleman and I  recommend you for the modification of the anthem,  your fees will be really high,  and, forgive me if I say this rather crudely,  therefore its to your advantage for us to be friends." "When I say friends were talking about 20 percent." "No, no, hold it right there, gentlemen." "Let me see if I understood properly." "I cannot betray my honesty and my principles." "How can I give you 20 percent of my fees?" "But, Maestro, youre right." "Who do you think we are?" "How are you going to give us 20 percent of your fees?" "The 20 percent is for you!" "And ninety for us." "No, but thats not the issue." "Mangiacaprini... I have a trajectory." "But we are already fully familiar with your trajectory,..." "But consider, Maestro Mangiacaprini, not all that glitters is gold." "Consider, for a moment, that youd win a lot of prestige." "Of course." "Up to now, youre very famous, on television, at popular parties, but  if you participate in the modifications of the anthem, consider this a bit,  the strains you will have written, being loudly heard at public events,  in marches, in schools." "The national anthem?" "And, excuse me, assuming I accepted, of course,  could I, shall we way, interpolate in the anthem some bars of  some of... my cumbias?" "If its not too noticeable." "What should I do?" "What should I do?" "Will it be worth it to betray the major ideals?" "What, if they could see me, would the great geniuses of music say to me?" "Beethoven, Ray Conniff,  Vanilla Ice... I must adopt a decision." "Accept the deal they offer me, or continue as up to now?" "The solemn sounds of the national anthem, or "Tiny Tot, Naughty Thing"?" "What a terrible decision." "Accepting an immoral deal in order to enter History!" "I think I can already hear so many major personalities from the Great Beyond." ""Arent you ashamed of yourself?"" ""You must follow our example!"" ""You must accept!"" "Gentlemen, I accept." "Very good, Mangiacaprini!" "What a joy, Maestro." "Welcome to the CMPUNA." "Maestro, heres the score of the anthem,  so we can already consider some changes." "Well, give me your thoughts, sir." "The first thing weve thought about, in the midst of the commission, ... is the subject of youth." "Young people." "Also." "Young people also." "Modifying the anthem to make it less rhetorical  and make youth feel more closely identified with it." "Well, I think that if its a question of young people..." "... the first stanza could lend itself perfectly." "Yes?" ""Today is the future and is the past, Today is the before and the after."" "With a small modification towards the end, we could attract the young." "But how would it be?" ", How would it read?" "ltd be, more or less,...tell me what you think." "Naturally one can always..." "Today is the future and is the past" "Today is the before and the after" "Today our fatherland is free" "Today!" "Today!" "Yeah, okay!" "Did you like it like that?" "Thats great." "Fantastic, Maestro, what "eloquetic poence"." "What?" "Poetic eloquence." "What?" "Its great!" "Yes, marvelous, fantastic." "What he did, to my mind, can stay." "To my mind, it stays, it stays." "lt stays!" "Take a seat." "lt stays!" "Thats wonderful for teenagers, for the young, but, well,  one would also have to think about the tiniest of all." "About tiny kids, of course." "As I always say in my conferences,  ive even published it in one of my books,  "those who today are children, tomorrow will be grownups."" "Amazing! "Those who today are children, tomorrow will be grownups."" "One has to have courage, huh?" "No, no, the publishing house, I mean, to publish your book." ""Those who today are children, tomorrow will be grownups"." "I dont get it." "It must be a deep-think reflection, right?" "Er, no... well." "Deep think, deep think, only when it sinks deep." "No, I dont mean... "Those who today are children, tomorrow will be grownups."" "What a sudden way to grow." "Hop!" "And its done." "Let me see, how can I explain it to you?" "Its a metaphor..." "The battle of Carachacumba." "We won it against the Spaniards." "No, I mean that the part of the anthem that talks of the battle of Carachacumba,  for tiny kids, if we change a few words, would be perfect." "What a good idea." "How would it go?" "lt would be more or less like this." "Enemies of the Fatherland are fleeing defeated." "At a gallop, their steeds, giddyap, clippety-clippety-clop!" "And if some fierce enemy Unleashes wars dark genie" "Our cry will again ring forth:" "Bad, doody, stupid meany!" "Marvelous!" "Marvelous!" "What a beautiful metaphor." "In my view, that can stay, right?" "Yes, yes, yes." "What do you think?" "l think yes." "It stays!" "It stays!" "That stays, but actually the most important thing is missing,... what we were asked for by the president of the republic, Prof. Pedro Garcete." "Well, he is the natural leader of Bluelistism;... he asked that at the end of the anthem we slip in a proselytizing message,  without it showing too much,  our partys ideals, because for us  its very important that we win the next elections  so we can complete our government work." "Or, at least, start it." "How witty, sir." "We leave you to work on the ending." "Mangiacaprini, welcome to the CMPUNA." "Maestro, Maestro..." "Yes?" "Maestro!" "Charming, these politicians." "Well, so these people will be back tomorrow and I have to slip in  a proselytizing message at the end of the anthem." "What a jam, what a jam!" "Among the tragic characters peopling history and fiction,  perhaps its suicides who move us the most." "It should be made clear that although "homicide" is to kill a man,  "regicide" is to kill a king, the word "suicide" doesnt mean,  like many think, to kill a Swiss." "No, suicide is to kill "sui" self." "The majority of religions condemn suicide,  but laws cannot do so,  since the corpus delicti and the body of the criminal  are in this case the same thing." "However, Anglo-Saxon law considers it a crime  to attempt suicide if the suicide is a failure." "In some cases, they have even gone as far as sentencing the would-be suicide to death." "Perhaps, the only novelty in this subject, which is as old as man,  may be the modern services to aid potential suicides,  and the relaxing and therapeutic music of the suite "Life is Beautiful",  which Mastropiero composed on a commission from the SCAS,  State Center for Assistance to the Suicidal." "You have reached the State Center of Assistance to the Suicidal." "At this moment all our operators are busy." "While awaiting your turn, we offer you  our relaxing music  prepared by the Centers experts." "Wait another instant." "Dont hang up, and dont hang yourself." "Our problems are no more than mucky," "Theres always other people Who are even less lucky." "Life traps them like residue " "And theyre worse off than we are," "For example  you!" "Forget those lugubrious thoughts." "its all right, everythings all right!" "Forget, you must forget." "its all right, everythings all right!" "Youve already forgotten." "You no longer recall that you were about to commit suicide..." "No, no..." "Everythings all right." "Everythings all right!" "Very good." "Good." "Quite good." "Fair." "Bad!" "Problems?" "Tell problems:" "I dont care!" "This one has big debts." "I dont care, I dont care." "This one stutters badly." "I dont c-care, I d-dont c-c-care." "This ones wife cheats on him." "I dont care, I dont care." "The cheaters face a beard adorns." "l dont care." "The cheaters elegant, weaklings he scorns." "l dont care." "We say the victim has h... I dont care!" "State Center for Assistance to the Suicidal." "Good evening, what are you calling in reference to?" "Yeah, but man, dont worry." "Life is beautiful!" "Yes, lm listening." "Hm." "Hm." "Wow!" "But man, dont worry, life is beautiful." "After all, you have many years ahead of you to enjoy, in which to be happy." "Tell me, how old are you?" "Oh, ah..." "Yes, you dont have that many ahead of you." "But I always say that life is beautiful  that life deserves to be lived." "On the other hand, death..." "deserves to be died?" "Hah, hah!" "Its very good." "Thanks a lot." "You know the one about the Japanese parrot?" "First of all, under ruling 3426/8  you must answer some questions before committing suicide." "is this the first time you commit suicide?" "Reasons for the suicide?" "Youre not getting paid at your job?" "Dont worry, life is beautiful, the State looks after you." "I already feel better" "Because lll get help from the State, I already feel better ld better sit down, itll be a long wait!" "What is your job?" "Oh, youre employed by the State." "And the money isnt enough." "Dont tell me." "The money isnt enough for me either." "No, the thing is, when I started to work here  I was told theyd pay me according to my capabilities." "With this pittance its never enough for anything." "Debts pile up, yes, sir." "I have three loans, yes." "No, I dont know." "How do I know what lm going to do?" "Every time I think about this, I swear to you, I feel like killing myself." "Whaddya mean, dont work myself up like this?" "You just say that to cheer me up!" "Life is beautiful, schmootiful!" "Who told you such a lie?" "lve failed at everything, lm no good even for this job." "The other day a man called, I only managed to speak with him a moment and he killed himself." "Yes, but he hadnt meant to kill himself, it was a wrong number!" "Mastropieros opera output is surprising in its remarkable consistency." "Despite the diversity of so many dramas, comedies, tragedies,  on hearing a fragment of any opera of Mastropieros  one immediately recognizes the hand of the composer,  through its style, its expressive force, and especially  because the music is always the same." "In fact, in the rehearsals for his last operas,  he would gather the singers and, instead of scores hand out only the lyrics." "For example, from his opera "The Torment of Sister Angelica"  the lyrics are preserved of the aria for soprano  "Stay away from me, for l am purer than the angels"  with the following indication in Mastropieros own handwriting:" "To be sung to the melody of my previous opera, "The Courtesan of Lamermoor,"... the one which says, "Snuggle up, daddy-o, for l am more fickle than the birds."" "As was written by the music critic Harold Schönstein:" ""All of Mastropieros operas carry his hallmark."" ""His form of composing operas is a true modus operandi,..."" ""..." "like that of famous criminals,..."" ""... better said, like other famous criminals."" ""Therefore," he concludes, "l wont review his openings any further,..."" "... "lll send the police-beat reporter."" "Soon afterwards the following review was published  about an opera by Mastropiero, written as follows:" ""On having the curtain raised the tenor appears,..." ""... sex, male, of medium build,..."" ""... and giving signs of being under the influence of alcohol..."" ""... rebukes the soprano, robust build, sex, indistinct,..."" ""... and demands that they continue their relationship."" ""She refuses, emitting shrieks and ear-splitting shouts  as if she were singing."" ""ln view of which, the above-mentioned individual, in a state of violent emotion,"" ""... pulls out a .22-caliber pistol from his clothes,..."" ""... and fires a shot from point-blank range against the aforementioned,..."" ""... with an entry hole in the abdomen, and exit hole..."" ""and exit hole..."" ""Later, repentant over the felony,..." ""...he takes the soprano in his arms, approximately 1 /3 of her."" ""The injured party recovers satisfactorily from her wounds,..."" ""... and, having decided to forgive him, enfolds him in a tight embrace."" ""The tenor issues a strident high C,..."" ""...which prima facie could be a cry for help."" ""The scene concludes without having to fear victims or material losses."" "This scene is, precisely, the one we will not be hearing next,  since none of the members of Les Luthiers  would agree to play the role of the soprano." "Instead, well perform a fragment of another opera by Mastropiero,  but which bears the same music." "Its the scene of "Daniel the seducer before the window..."" ""... of Juana María of the Sacred Heart"" "... from his opera "Scipios Daughter."" "I am Daniel the seducer and to Juana, whose beauty gives me a thrill I come to sing my love beneath her window-sill." "Hurry up, sir, for her father wakes at dawn." "I shall conclude before sunrise." "Hurry up, sir." "Before sunrise..." "Hurry up, sir." "Before sunriiiise... I cant any faster!" "Start, once and for all!" "Juana, I know it is late I hope you can forgive me" "Lean out, chaste Juana, appear at the window." "She hasnt heard you, you must draw her attention." "I am Daniel the seducer and I have come to sing you my love" "Juana!" "No!" "No, you could be overheard by her father, Scipio." "I dont fear the wrath of an old man." "Its folly to challenge the ban on courting Juana María of the Sacred Heart, the noblest, the purest, Scipios daughter." "I dont fear that old fool." "Scipio earned his fame fighting against the infidel which is why the people call him "Scipio the..."" "I dont care!" ""Scipio the..." -l dont care!" ""...the Bloody Killer."" "I wouldnt want to bother him." "Sing to her now, its your chance" "Juanas shadow can be seen, through the window glass clean." "Scipio murdered 42 individuals because he considered, because he considered they didnt treat his daughter with due respect." "I am Daniel, the respectful seducer and I have come to sing her my love." "I love her hand and-and-and I love her face ace-ace-ace I love her hairdo too." "Her father has awakened!" "Fear and terror my senses fog!" "Pretend you are a dog." "Bow-wow, bow-wow." "Hes gone already, hes gone, hes gone." "Juana, I know its late, I hope you can forgive me." "Scipio has heard something, hes suspicious this could be the end - pretend youre a girl, a friend." "lm your friend Leonor and ive come to sing you my love." "Nooo!" "You havent fooled the lord!" "With threatening gesture he has unsheathed his sword!" "Pretend you are a bird, sing like a cuckoo." "A what?" "A cuckoo." "Cuh, cuh, cuh." "I dont know, ive never seen a cuckoo." "A crane, a starling!" "Bow-wow, bow-wow!" "No, some bird!" "A chicken is a bird?" "Yes." "Cluck, cluck, cluck!" "Cluck, cluck!" "Cluck, cluck!" "The chicken goes cluck, cluck." "Cuckle cuckle cluck!" "Thats the rooster!" "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "The chicken, cluck cluck, cluck cluck!" "The rooster asks her, Cock-a-doodle?" "Cluck cluck, she says to him." "There are the chicks, peep, peep, peep!" "The rooster asks her, Cock-a-doodle?" "Cluck, cluck!" "Dont you see the chicks are here?" "Peep, peep, peep!" "Cluck, cluck!" "Clu...!" "How are you?" "How are you, Mr. Scipio?" "What a pretty pajama, you look so elegant." "You look like the jack of spades." "What are you doing around here at this time of night?" "Hunting chickens." "iii kill you, chicken!" "Meeow!" "Bow-wow!" "Mooo!" "Only a prince can aspire to Juana María of the Heart divine, the noblest, the purest, she of Scipios line." "You dont understand my situation - l had an aspiration tender and sincere, I deem, I wanted just a moment with her;" "it would like a lifetime seem - but now I plainly see it was just a dream." "Your sincerity has touched me, about people I am never wrong:" "I see you are of noble blood, and honest and decent as the day is long." "By my faith, you shall have what you asked for." "Me, what did I ask for?" "Juana shall be your wife." "Look here, Mr. Scipio  lm not a nobleman." "Money also confers nobility." "But lm very poor, and my family too." "For years now weve been withstanding this painful economic situation that weighs on us." "I like your frankness;" "you shall marry Juana." "I trust my decision, I do - you shall have a Christian wedding." "Theres something else  I am a Jew." "He who doesnt listen to what is said has an empty heart - in a synagogue youll wed" "but keep all Jews from the temple apart." "But if I go..." "No buts or admonitions;" "I too have been young and understand that when theres love there mustnt be, there mustnt be, there mustnt be conditio ooooo...." "Conditions!" "But then, you agree to our relationship?" "Yes." "Without conditions?" "Yup." "And I may finish my song?" "Youll manage to move me." "Juana, I know its late, I hope you can forgive me..." "Each night we spend in your bed  is one of the all-time greats!" "But today I cant stay because my wife awaits." "Daughter, I am horrified - ls this what you have been taught?" "is this what youve learned at my side?" "I dont care if theyre Jewish, if theyre poor, thats fine with me..." "What I consider an outrage is that you do it for free!" "A people united and solidary" "No force can vanquish," "Tiny tot, naughty thing, Give me a little rap!" "This doesnt work at all." "Theres no way..." "Yikes!" "The politicians, and I havent written the ending." "Coming, coming." "Yes, come on in." "Hello, Maestro." "Have you written the proselytizing ending?" "Howre you doing, Mangiacaprini?" "I am the one who rang the bell." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hah, hah, hah." "Hows that proselytizing ending going?" "Hah, hah, hah." "Have you written it already?" "No, not yet." "I happened to be working when you rang the bell." "The President will soon be coming." "Yes, step on it, cause the President is coming." "In any case, we have a few reforms with, we might say, a speedy resolution." "Tell me about them, sir." "Look, in the Commission we have decided  that in the anthem we are going to change the enemy country." "What?" "Of course," "The anthem is from the period of our independence from Spain." "But Spain is a dearly loved country for all of us." "No, what we need in the anthem is an enemy country that we can  that the people, especially, can hate, you get me?" "An enemy country that inflames the patriotism of the throng." "And if necessary, if something goes wrong, someone abroad whom we can blame." "What is the meaning of what the current anthem says?" "Retreat, Spanish invaders," "Or the royalist enemy, the invading Goth." "Lets change it to "the invading moth."" "The Goth, the Goth." "Without an aitch." "Its a metaphor." "How about if we say the Russians?" "Of course!" "Soviet imperialism which attempts to alter  our traditional, western and Christian lifestyle..." "Maestro." "Maestro, dont you read the papers?" "Whats happened?" "The Soviet Union no longer exists." "Oh, it doesnt?" "The Berlin Wall has already fallen." "Oh, yes?" "So many years opposed to everything decent, in the end even the wall had its descent." "Then lets put in the Yanks." "We wont put in the Yanks." "United States imperialism." "Yankee, go home!" "Mangiacaprini!" "Mangiacaprini, it wouldnt be wise." "Dont forget that the United States  has been the main promoter of our current democracy." "And of our previous dictatorships." "But dont worry, Mangiacaprini." "Dont worry, Maestro Mangiacaprini." "At the CMPUNA we think of everything." "The new enemy country is Norway." "After all, in Oslo theyll never find out." "Excuse me, sir, where?" "Oslo." "lsnt it the Norwegian capital?" "If you say so..." "But what kind of conflict could there be with Norway?" "And how should I know...?" "That they raised the price of cod." "Thats it, that could be one." "Also, how should I know, there could be a border problem." "No, no, sir, we dont have any border with Norway." "The Norwegians and us..." "Maestro, its a conflict hypothesis." "After all, what do people know." "Thats what I say." "If we could invent an enemy, wont we be able to invent a conflict?" "Retreat, Norwegian invaders" "Forget your avidity" "Remain in Oslo, Dont leave Oslo," "Or well fill you With awe, slow." "No, no!" "Relax, sir." "Maestro, fantastic." "What you have done here is so patriotic,  has such inflammation,..." "To my mind, it stays." "lt stays, it stays." "More than that, at this moment I think of Norway  and my blood boils!" "Aaaaargh!" "Relax." "Aaaargh!" "Whats that?" "No, thats when blood boils." "Aaaaargh!" "No, but lm all right now." "Anything else?" "Yes, Maestro, while were at it, the next stanza, the one which goes:" "Vile, abject regiment That dares offend our nation" "Well mete out punishment And exemplary castigation." "Exemplary castigation." "Maestro, what does "castigation" mean?" "A metaphor?" "Nobody knows, Maestro an entire country, for decades, centuries, singing "castigation,"  nobody knows what it means." "At the CMPUNA we have reached the conclusion that it must be a mistake." "Clearly, they wanted to say "ammunation."" "Lets see, Maestro, if we can say the same, but so that its more..." "Vile, abject regiment That dares offend our nation" "Well mete out punishment" "Were gonna kick some ass!" "Were gonna kick some ass!" "Wow!" "Its quite a bit clearer." "It stays." "We leave you to work on the ending, Maestro Mangiacaprini." "Dont forget what we were asked by the President." "Dont say anything, a proselytizing message for the ending." "Mangiacaprini, once again, welcome to the Commission." "Oh, I thought that..." "Charming, your friend." "Well, hes a politician with class." "Ah, yes?" "We dont know what class." "So these people are coming back tomorrow  and I have to slip into the anthems ending  a proselytizing message." "What a jam!" "What a jam!" "Boy, this room is huge." "This castle is enormous." "We have to be very careful." "Remember the count is a vampire." "The villagers say his only interest is doing evil." "The villagers say hes lived here hundreds of years,  one even told me its been centuries." "Welcome to my castle." "In thy letter thou sayest thou wantest to visit it. lt drew my attention." "It isnt frequently that someone wants to come here." "Thou also sayest thou art musicians." "Art thou musicians?" "Yes, "we art."" "Of what type?" "Les Luthiers: humorous type." "No, what blood type." "Hah, hah, hah!" "Lets see." "Yes, thou art an A, RH positive." "B negative." "Young man, congratulations on thy generosity." "Universal donor." "And this one?" "Oh, a 42 vintage!" "Its clear thou art good musicians." "Its clear thou dost carry music in thy blood." "Hah, hah, hah!" "Hah, hah, hah!" "lm glad thou hast come." "When lm alone it gives me bad blood." "Hah, hah, hah!" "Hah, hah, hah!" "This is true." "My wife died recently." "Hah, hah, hah!" "Thou shouldst know I am the last representative  of a lineage of great personalities." "Uncle Nosferatu, cousin Dracula, my nephew John Donovan,  he has a factory with 3,000 workers  hes a bloodsucker." "Theres nothing doing." "This is the most dangerous mission  that weve been charged with." "Since thou offerest thyselves as musicians,  let me hear some of thy performances." "Id love to hear a a melancholy melody of this land Transylvania." "Transylvania?" "Thou knowest one or two, right?" "Yes, yes." "Ever since your company I lack The bottle is my only fun... I want you to come back And open my house to the sun." "lm plagued by heartache, My sanity does depart," "Your absence is like a stake Driven through my heart." "Its dreadful!" "Next was the stanza about the garlic." "Ah!" "Ow!" "Help!" "Tell me the truth, who art thou?" "Weve come to redeem you, to reinstate you in society." "Were from Vampires Anonymous." "Enough of doing evil is this sordid castle." "Return to human beings." "Leave this horrible castle, Sordid, cold, as damp as a pool," "Or youll catch rheumatism and arthrosis, The classic ills of the ghoul." "With those long fangs You look downright unsavory" "But today they achieve miracles" "With odonto-vampi-surgery." "iii get an operation." "ltll be easy to seem An honest citizen," "From now on you can resemble Any other denizen." "Wont I miss evil?" "But in order to do evil Theres no reason to be different " "You can be a criminal," "Or a minister or president." "Oh, Lord, have pity on this poor monk." "Give me strength to resist the temptation of the flesh." "Yes, I know I deserve this penance." "Since I took holy orders, it has become ever more difficult  to comply with the vow of chastity." "The Father Prior told me:" "Son, its very simple." "You must seek a distraction." "In your free time, devote yourself to your handiwork." "No, no, no,... youd better pray." "Pray to the female saint of purity, of abstinence." "Saint Frigid." "And I went to pray to the image of the saint  who has that austere look, that bitterness in her smile..." "Actually, poor thing, shes awful-looking." "But after praying to her for several hours,  it suddenly seemed to me that she was beginning to smile at me,  that she was winking her eye." "At that moment the Father Prior came in  and seeing the lust in my face, he said to me:" "Fool!" "Its a wooden image!" "Yes, the saint is made of wood, but lm not made of steel." "You are damning yourself." "What about the vow of chastity?" "To that vow my opposition, I avow." "And to make things worse, I, who try not to think about these things,  must, as penance, sing this." "A canticle on sex education for the young." "The young who seek salvation" "Must follow our advice" "To have a peaceable life." "Now that youre growing up" "You should already learn many things;" "So youll have good information" "We sing you this merry song..." "Dooby dooby doo." "Its time to talk about sex" "To avoid harm from any thoughts dirty;" "Youre old enough already," "Soon youll be turning thirty..." "Dooby dooby doo." "The first thing that must be talked about ls what is done by a woman and a man;" "It must be named very clearly" "So everyone understand it can - lt is called..." "Dooby dooby doo." "Every time you go out with a stranger" "And you... dooby dooby doo," "To be careless would be sad" "You must be careful" "Because you can catch something bad." "Because its a sin!" "The main risk of catching something ls when one does dooby dooby all around." "Within marriage theres no danger " "Naturally, because there dooby dooby is seldom found." "And the danger spreads like lava" "For all those sinners" "Who instead of dooby dooby" "Prefer dabah dabah." "The use of a contraceptive ls a modern method, an easy sell;" "Against catching anything it works well  but you go to Hell." "The young who seek salvation" "Must follow our recommendation:" "To have a peaceable life" "Amen" "A-men, and a-women!" "Love as little as possible!" "A people united and solidary" "No force can vanquish" "And you must vote For Bluelistism." "Its not working. its not..." "The politicians, the politicians." "Coming!" "Coming!" "Coming!" "Yes!" "Come in, come in!" "Maestro, Professor Garcete..." "Dont tell me Garcete is coming!" "He didnt say Garcete is coming." "You resemble a helicopter." "Whats the matter with you, Mangiacaprini?" "Its that I havent written the ending." "He didnt say Garcete is coming." "Let me finish." "Sit down." "Relax." "The President is coming, but he isnt coming yet." "What I was saying is that Garcete  has made us a special request in the Commission." "Let me have it straight, doc." "Well, you know what hes like..." "He would like  to be mentioned in the national anthem." "Gentlemen, lm afraid thats impossible,..." "What do you mean, "lm afraid thats impossible"?" "Maestro, were in the government." ""lm afraid"  we do what we feel like." "Of course, of course..." "What Im trying to explain is that  since in the anthem nobody is mentioned by name..." "What do you mean that nobody is mentioned?" "It mentions General Anastasio Ponce." "One moment, sir, but thats because hes the father of the Fatherland,  the biggest hero of our independence." "is he mentioned or isnt he mentioned?" "Yes." "Very easy, then." "We take the anthem and where it says Ponce we put Garcete." "General Ponce did fine, nobody questions his merits, but that was then." "Hes history." "Hes "obsoleect."" ""Esactly."" "Gentlemen, there continues to be a hurdle." "You remember the stanza that includes Gen. Ponce?" "Of course." ""Were guided by Anastasio Ponce, his emblematic presence..."" ""...since 181 1 , the year of independence."" "Who doesnt know the anthem?" "So, well, Ponce rhymes with eleven, "once."" "Garcete doesnt rhyme." "We write 1807, since seven, "siete," rhymes with Garcete." "Doctor, how I admire and value  your poetic strain." "Listen to me, 1807..." "Yes, lm listening." "Independence in 1807?" "Yes." "But even schoolchildren know it was in 181 1 !" "1807 is better, its earlier." "One cant change history like that!" "When theres no will, theres no will." "We should seek some happening that happened in 1807." "Or some event that "evented."" "Or some affair  that "affaired."" "Maestro, were deeply thankful, but this business of affairs  leave it to us." "Something that happened 1807." "The battle of Carachacumba, when was it?" "Thats what I ask myself." "I will consult the treatise on National History  which has helped shape me." "¿Carachacumba is with a C or a K?" "With a K, with a K." "K-rachacumba, lm sure." "Like "ephemeral" is with an F. F-emeral." "Its getting too dark to see, This is our chance." "Thats with a zee." "Of course, too dark to zee, This is our chance." "A cumbia I had written..." "This is a real literary workshop." "Here it is." "What?" "Carachacumba." "No, I calculated more or less, since its the longest of all,  I calculated its..." "Lengthitivity." "Lengthitivity or longism." "Well, this is the famous digital method." "The battle of Carachacumba took place at 18:15." "Sorry, in 1815." "Something in 1807." "So it rhymes with Garcete, because otherwise, what do we say?" "1807 is before or after 1815?" "lm a lawyer, not an engineer." "Which was the 7?" "Sir, please!" "No, I knew it, but I wanted a second opinion." "Here it is, 1807 ; unfortunately, nothing important." "There has to be something..." "Yes, lots of things, but nothing to justify..." "The uprising by Chief Armajpalpa, the removal of Viceroy Quinteros,  the epidemic of exanthematic virosic shingles..." "Maestro..." "We are guided by Pedro Garcete, his presence, emblematic, since 1807, year of the  epidemic of virosic shingles, exanthematic." "Its a rather tight fit." "So what can I do?" "But Professor Garcete will be delighted." "It stays." "Anything else?" "Well, since were on this subject,  you saw, Maestro, the stanza that says:" "By noble patriots guided We citizens have been," "Proud forehead held high And hands always clean." "The bit about "proud forehead held high" is all right,  but the bit about "hands always clean," whats the need?" "Why mess around with certain subjects...?" "Its that journalism." "Its journalism, which invents scandals to slander us." "Thats right, sir, and what is worse, in alliance with disparagement campaigns,  sponsored from abroad." "From Norway." "Gentlemen, the anthem always said this about "hands always clean,"  and yet, youll have to excuse me,  but all governments got tired of stealing." "We  are tireless!" "No, no, I mean anyway everyone stole, despite what the anthem says." "Ah, then we can leave it the way it is." "It stays!" "OK." "Mangiacaprini, a group of fellow Bluelistists  approached the Commission and made a telling point." "Yes, so ill "tell you the point."" "It was a stately thought..." "hell "state the thought" to you." "Hah, hah, hah!" "They thought..." "you saw the stanza that says:" "Our banner, glorious flag,/lf they offend you The stain well launder with no time lag." "They thought that making a few little changes,  it could serve to improve foreign trade,  encouraging foreign investors." "So, what did we do, we introduced those changes,  and now wed like to see if it fits well with the music." "Lets sing it with the Maestro." "The first part of the stanza remains as before." "Our banner, glorious flag, lf they offend you" "The stain well launder with no time lag;" "Well also launder the anthem and the coat of arms " "We launder currency of all kinds." "It stays!" "lt stays!" "lt stays!" "Well, step on it, because Prof. Garcetes coming." "Yes, yes, Garcetes coming." "Garcetes coming, Garcetes coming." "Yes, Garcetes coming." "A people united and solidary" "No force can vanquish" "And you must vote for Bluelistism." "What a jam!" "What a jam!" "Mastropiero, tired of composing for small audiences,  accepted a commission for a song for the convention of admirers  of Dr. Miles Flannagan, a distinguished dentist from Nebraska,  a homage that included miles of cars  sorry, Miles, of course;" "and three other people." "As of that moment, Mastropiero turned frankly over to broad-appeal music." "Broad-appeal music, he wrote, has more than broad appeal  it appeals to real ladies, too." "Soon he began to compose incidental music  for well-known TV series, such as, for example, "Emergency Hospital," which describes the daily life  of an American football team." "Also, "Dog Squad,"  the adventures of the police forces trained dogs,  and the squads mascot, Second Lieutenant Johnson." "He did the well-remembered music for the crime series  on Lt. Stanley and Sgt. Morrison  titled "impossible Duty,"  which is what the critics said about seeing the series." "And now, and to conclude this recital,  we present, from that series, the episode  "Who Killed Tom mccoffee?"" "The setting is a nightclub in Manhattan  where a female black pianist sings the misery  she endured in her childhood." "I sometimes ask myself lf l was happy as a child." "At home we were tightly knit." "We lived in a dingy room," "Eleven siblings, fifteen cousins, the cat and an aunt  the aunt of the cat." "Also my mother, my father and my stepfather," "An enormous dog and her pup  the son of a bitch." "All in the same dingy room " "At home we were tightly knit." "Everybody mistreated me, they mistreated me," "My only friend was the pup..." "He slept on me, ate from my plate," "Barked at me, bit me, peed on me  the son of a bitch." "Its useless, friend." "She cant see you." "Shes completely blind." "You, the black singer." "Hey, you, the black singer!" "Its useless, friend. I told you shes blind." "She doesnt know shes black." "She thinks her parents were Poles." "Hey, heres someone for you, Maria Wrocluvsky!" "Listen, Maria, were Lt. Stanley and Sgt. Morrison from Homicides." "Do you know Tom mccoffee, saxophone player, song composer?" "Yes, but I didnt kill him." "And how do you know he was killed?" "Huh?" "Ah, hah, hah, hah." "Of course, because I still dont know..." "Thats very good." "How do I know... in which... when... er..." "So hes been killed!" "They found him dead, poisoned with cyanide." "With cyanide?" "Whats worse, the cyanide was in spoiled condition." "Heavens." "Did you know him or didnt you?" "Yes!" "How could I not know him?" "If that man... was my husband!" "Oh, poor Tom!" "Youll never compose any more songs for your baby to sing." "Boo, hoo!" "Get outta here!" "What are doing?" ""Get outta here."" "No, its an idiom, an idiomatic expression." "Its employed to express surprise or bewilderment." "Something surprises you, you say, "Get outta here!"" "ino, no!" "Sniff!" "Sniff!" "Say..." "Yes, lieutenant." "Say, Maria..." "Yes, lieutenant Maria." "Do you sing songs by Tom mccoffee, your late husband?" "Yes, indeed." "He composed some of them thinking of me." "Such as, for example,  "Deeply Revolting,"  "Drunken Old Mule,"" "... and that very pretty one he dedicated to me, titled  "Waking Up at Your Side, Baby,"... and which goes like this:" "Aaaaaaah!" "So tell me, do you have any idea who could have murdered Tom mccoffee?" "Yes, it must have been that damned hoodlum Black Curls." "The last time I was with Tom, Black Curls was with him." "That perfume... the perfume used by Black Curls,  lll never be able to forget as long as I live, lieutenant." "Tom was acting rather strange that day." "He greeted me briefly and said, low:" ""You know, baby?" "Someone is trying to kill me, ... and I dont trust Black Curls."" "Get outta here!" "No, no!" "Hey, you." "Yes, you, with the fiddle!" "I think I know you." "Tell me, dyou have a criminal record?" "I think so." "The thing is I was in jail for 10 years for red light violation." "Ten years just for that?" "Red Light was the daughter of a Comanche chief." "So Tom mccoffee played with you?" "Yes." "I think so." "Tom mccoffee!" "Nobody will ever play like you again!" "Youll never compose any more songs!" "And how did you get along with Tom mccoffee?" "Me?" "Fine... I think so, yes." "More or less..." "But the one who really got along badly with Tom was that guy, Black Curls." "You know, lieutenant, Black Curls got us merchandise." "Oh, he sold you coke." "Yes, yes." "And sometimes, also..." "Pepsi!" "Hey, could it have been you who killed Tom mccoffee?" "No!" "I dont think so." "Get ou..." "Well, lll be...!" "Hey, you, the one with the..." "With the..." "The one with the mustache." "What were you doing on August 23 at 3:15 p.m.?" "I was drinking whisky at Susans bar." "And how can you remember it so exactly?" "Because lm always drinking whisky at Susans bar." "And why do you drink so much?" "To forget a betrayal." "What betrayal?" "l cant remember any more." "You see it works, lieutenant?" "Listen, you got any idea who could have murdered mccoffee?" "Ideas, I havent had for a long time." "I only know he owed money to Black Curls." "So they killed Tom?" "That must be why he didnt come around here any more." "Tom, brother." "Tommy, "brothery"..." "We will never again hear the sound of your instrument." "Nobody will ever play like you again." "Youll never compose any more songs!" "Sniff!" "Sniff!" "Sniff!" "Sniff?" "Sniff?" "Black Curls perfume!" "Where, Maria?" "Here, lieutenant, I can smell it!" "Where?" "Black Curls perfume!" "Search, search." "The perfume!" "The perfume, lieutenant!" "The perfume!" "The perfume!" "This is your man!" "Sit." "No, no, no, no..." "Sgt. Morrison, I must perform my duty." "I want you to try this on." "What I feared." "A perfect fit." "You are Black Curls." "You killed Tom mccoffee!" "Get outta here." "Hah, hah, hah!" "We fooled them!" "The lieutenant swallowed it all!" "He believed I was blind, the perfume, Black Curls..." "He believed youre a pianist, too." "Oh, Tom mccoffee, youll never compose any more songs  which are dreadful!" "Never again will we hear the sound of your instrument  which was awful!" "Nobody will ever play like you again  so out of tune!" "Tom mccoffee, we killed you, lt was us who poisoned you," "And the wig in the Sargents pocket planted, too." "Because we, poor things," "Put up with everything:" "Your instrument, your songs," "And additionally your hitting all those notes wrong." "And if what we did was criminal" "The reason was musical." "Tibidibidibee pah pah" "The deceased was musically diseased." "Tibidibidibee pah pah" "Tibidibidibee pah pah" "Rest in peace" "Rest in peace" "Rest in peace" "And give jazz some rest, please." "Maestro, Maestro!" "Hurry up, Maestro." "The show is ending." "People are going home and you havent finished the anthem" "What a jam." "What a jam!" "lve finished!" "At last." "Yikes!" "Just in time." "There he comes." "Thats Garcete!" "Thats Garcete!" "The President." "The President." "What dyou mean, "Garcete"?" "Relax, Maestro, relax." "iii go open, you take it easy." "Mr." "President, thanks for being here." "Good evening." "How are you, Mr. President?" "Welcome to the Commission." "This way, make yourself comfortable." "Allow me to take your umbrella." "Dont you want to remove the safety belt?" "No!" "You must have finished the mission I gave you." "Yes, sir." "Very good." "Ladies and gentlemen of my Fatherland,  I hereby declare inaugurated the reforms to the national anthem." "I would like to express my gratitude to the worthy commission  that was in charge of the work, to its members, who are present here,  who have labored with patriotism and in a totally disinterested manner." "Mr." "President, we feel honored." "Honored?" "Its true - what an unusual feeling." "Thats really a metaphor." "And now, in conclusion, this ceremonys crowning piece." "Let us together sing the new ending of the patriotic song  announcing to future generations the future that we ravish  that we lavish on them  along with our humble certainty  that what we have done was always corrup... correct." "Let us sing the new ending." "A people united and solidary" "No force can vanquish." "Always loyalist," "Always united," "To row in the same boat we wish." "Always loyalist, defying" "Perils dark bugaboo," "Together in the same boat rowing," "Under a sky clear and blue." "In the same boat, sky blue," "Always loyalist..." "Always loyally vote Blue List!" "And this is what we do To the people ever after..." "Dooby dooby dooby doo." "On the occasion of the first performance of the well-known bolero "Forgive Her,"  by Johann Sebastian Mastropiero,  which we shall hear next, and as an encore,  the magazine "Musical News" referred to Mastropiero in very  favorable terms, but a few days later it published the following correction:" "Misprints:" "Where it says "in a seizure of inspiration like other Romantic composers",  it should say "seized from other Romantic composers."" "And where it says "his copious production," it should say "his copied production."" "After listening to the bolero "Forgive Her," the great composer Günther Frager  wrote indignantly to Mastropiero accusing him of having plagiarized  a passage of his third symphony." "The answer was not long in coming." ""You offend me," says Mastropiero in his letter,  "me of all people I, who always say that the artist who seizes..."" "... "anothers idea, darkens the waters of the fountain of the spirit,"  a famous phrase of Günther Fragers." "Curiously, this case and other similar ones,  which show us Mastropiero plagiarizing Günther Frager  has reached us through Mastropieros own autobiography." "And its not that he repents and confesses his guilt,  but that his autobiography is a word-for-word copy  of the memoirs of Günther Frager." "Nevertheless, despite all this, those who, like ourselves  love Mastropiero,  believe that many of these traits that are attributed to him  actually are wholly foreign to him." "They are probably Günther Fragers." "Very well..." "We will now hear, therefore, Johann Sebastian Mastropieros  bolero "Forgive Her,"" "... by Günther Frager." "With Esther I dont want to continue living," "What she did can no longer be forgiven;" "She must go, I dont want to continue suffering," "Certain things from ones mind cannot be driven." "Forgive her, forgive her," "She is sweet, she was faithful, she is a lady." "Forgive her, forgive her," "She still loves you, no ifs or maybe." "With Esther I dont want to continue living," "What could be forgiven, ive forgiven, I profess;" "That evening when she was already leaving" "To never loving me she did confess." "Forgive her, forgiveness is royal," "Return to those kisses heady brew." "Esther was constant, she was loyal," "And all her life she was true." "With Esther I dont want to continue living," "Our life was bitter, I rue;" "That evening when she was already leaving" "She confessed she never had been true." "So, go on!" "Understand her, your calm do keep," "Through yesterday those men were only twenty," "And think that in her soul down deep" "Shes a sweet woman, theres proof aplenty." "With Esther I dont want to continue living," "With that girl I can nevermore relax;" "That evening when she was already leaving" "She chased me around the house with an axe." "Tolerate her, shes just a girl, do relax," "A few days separation might be right," "The best couples sometimes fight," "And almost all chase each other with an axe." "With Esther I dont want to continue living," "She never did like my chums;" "That evening when she was already leaving" "She remarked she thinks theyre all bums." "Forget her, you must forget her," "Against that witch your heart please harden." "But tell us before you do forget her" "What was the worst thing, what you could never pardon." "The last thing she did was really low;" "That sin truly can never be absolved;" "That evening when she was about to go" "To stay she resolved!"