"APPLAUSE" "CHEERING" "Jambo!" "Jambo!" "Jambo!" "Jambo!" "And welcome aboard the SS QI as we slip our moorings and go exploring." "Joining me at the captain's table tonight are the utterly intrepid Sean Lock!" "Hello." "The completely indomitable Rich Hall." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "The entirely indispensable Bill Bailey!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And the quite frankly indescribable Alan Davies!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Elephant in the Room bonus." "LOUD TRUMPETING That's the one." "Could win one of you pioneers ten glass beads." "Is this what people use when they're meeting an elephant in an airport?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE hats off!" "It's time to warm to our theme." "What are these for?" "These are for keeping away flies." "It's a fly whisk." "It's like Phil Spector." "LAUGHTER" "I've got Kate Moss over here." "LAUGHTER" "Very good." "I'm so bored!" "Come over here!" "I'll shoot ya!" "How do we sound?" "Sean goes..." "THEME MUSIC: "Star Trek" "Rich goes..." "THEME MUSIC: "Indiana Jones" "Very appropriate." "thank you." "And Bill goes..." "FAST-TEMPO THEME MUSIC" "And Alan goes..." "THEME MUSIC: "Steptoe And Son" "LAUGHTER let's plunge into the unfamiliar country that is question one." "One of the biggest problems faced by explorers is that of language." "I would like you two to imagine that you are two of the Pilgrim Fathers who arrived on The Mayflower on the coast of America." "Right." "And I would like Rich and Sean to imagine that you are native Americans who meet them." "How would you communicate?" "I would immediately read from the Book of Common Prayer." "savage." "LAUGHTER" "Hi." "How are you?" "LAUGHTER" "What's that?" "A Toby jug?" "Yes." ""Where's the pub?" Foaming pint of beer." "etivity..." "Never Mind The Buzzcocks." "Bloody hell!" "Jonathan Creek!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I can't believe my eyes!" "other things as well." "I do stand-up." "Blah-blah-blah!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "And piano!" "Playing in hotels." "don't you?" "Where do you think these eyeglasses came from?" "Rich and Bill are absolutely right." "The first thing said by a native American who met the Plymouth Brethren was " "Could I have some beer?" He asked for beer in English." "The Indian did?" "Yes." "He spoke fluent English." "He'd crossed the Atlantic six times." "the Pilgrim Fathers were not the first people to land in America." "It's a trick question." "Yes." "His name was Squanto." "But this particular one was called Samoset." "IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:" "Somerset?" "What did he say then?" ""Get off my land!" "Have you got some cider?" "You bloody Pilgrim Fathers!" "Get off my land!" "He learned his English from fishermen and Squanto." "And The Archers?" "Probably." "he got cheese and a bit of duck." "They helped them survive their first year because they had nothing to eat." "All there was was Maine lobster which they thought was hideous." "But they were about to starve" "Here's some turkey." Yes." "And some cranberries." "yes." "Squanto brokered a peace that lasted for 50 years." "which was 15 years before The Mayflower sailed." "He lived in England for nine years." "Then he returned home." "Then another British captain kidnapped him took a ship to Newfoundland he sailed back to England." "And he went on an expedition to New England and crossed the ocean again and was now fluent in English." "buzz when you see something quite interesting here." "First one to buzz." "Oh." "Something..." "Going off the edge of the map." "I'm not interested yet." "no!" "Can you not see the elephant?" "I just..." "I couldn't because of Alan's head." "That is an elephant on a map disguised as a contour." "It's a British army map made in the 1920s." "just got bored and traced an elephant." "They thought it was a very remote part that no-one would ever visit." "So they just made an elephant with a contour mark on its back." "And it was years before anybody noticed." "Those cartographers are right characters." "Aren't they just!" "Let's go somewhere less unnerving - Paris." "What's the best way to get from the Eiffel Tower to the Louvre without seeing any French people?" "Underwater - go along the river." "aren't they?" "apart from the tourists." "Do it with your eyes shut." "Ha-ha!" "Ha-ha!" "it's all art." "But I want to experience the ambience without seeing any of you Frenchies." "long line that you would fly down from the Eiffel Tower - zoom!" "Alan." "We were trying to get you to talk about the remarkable sewage system of Paris." "there's a sewer as wide as it." "They even have street signs in the sewers for the streets." "you'd never get lost." "You could walk along these wonderful sewers." "There they are." "And they used to have excursions." "Up until 1975 you could get a boat every last Thursday and Saturday of the month." "But it's full of shit." "You'd have to really hate French people." "IN FRENCH ACCENT:" ""Here are some turds from the deuxieme quartier." "How do you think they clean them?" "What?" "The people?" "No!" "The sewers." "Everyone has to flush their toilet at once with no poo in it." "Alan Davies." "Rich?" "THEME MUSIC: "Indiana Jones well done!" "A good cultural reference there." "They could train elephants and put bristles over their back and lead them... it's a big ball that scrapes the side." "They send it down with a whoosh of water and it works well." "Where would you put your ladder if you wanted to get into space?" "On top of the spaceship on the rack." "A red flag hanging off it so other spaceships don't follow too closely." "It's a conceptual question." "How about this?" "Up against the wall of silence." "LAUGHTER" "You should have railings built round you and people could worship you as some kind of modern Buddha." "the Buddha look." "Rural Buddhas." "Yes." "Wisdom and cheap cider." "You'd assume the answer is you put the ladder on the highest point like Everest." "Yes." "That wouldn't..." "You couldn't get a good foothold on it." "It's called a space elevator." "It's a genuine idea." "Many people believed a way to save the space programme a lot of money was to build a HUGE elevator that goes from Earth and is counterweighted at the other end and spin round incredibly fast." "And you would have elevators on it that would go up and down." "With a phone that didn't work in it." ""I'm stuck on the 14th... 000 miles." "maybe we can...?" "Arthur C Clarke believed in it." "But NASA spent a lot of money on it." "But you'd have to do it on the Equator where the Earth goes at its fastest." "it goes faster in the middle." "there's another one half a mile up." "Then another one." "So it's like a staircase going up into space." "Then there's a bouncy castle at the top and a bloke charging you a quid." "I've just realised it and it's brilliant." "I'll be so rich." "Bubble." "A bubble?" "A bubble." "Get in a bubble." "Just float up there." "One day." "I mean a big bubble." "I'm not talking about those bubbles you see. "That's not a bubble." "mate?" "You should see my bubble." You get in a big bubble and off you go." "Fabulous." "Yeah." "Who wants in?" "IN HIGH VOICE:" "Me!" "Me!" "Me!" "Me!" "Me!" "This is like the Dragons' Den for cranky ideas." "How about this?" "You could just imagine." "Bill." "That's so beautiful." "'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha." "The Dalai Farmer." "Wahey!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good." "Excellent." "I've been struggling with that for five minutes! "There has to be something in this!" "Your synapses are firing beautifully." "We'd use them to fire people into space." "What do you do if you're in space and one of your crew goes mad?" "LAUGHTER" "For example... does he?" "He looks well fed." "It's like a mixture between smug and orgasm." "there is." "It hasn't happened." "But NASA came up with some rules." "Don't let them drive the ship for God's sake!" "Keep them away from the teleport room." "They can't do any cooking or be in charge of the airlock." "yes." "tie him down with a cord" ""and inject him with tranquillisers." Whoa!" "Just another night in Abu Ghraib." "it says." ""A gun is out of the question." No right to bear arms?" "No!" "Outrageous!" "So how will you fight off the Vargons?" "Send the mad bloke up." "Scare them away." "they just get confined to sick bay." "Yes." "They get the little..." "MAKES WHIRRING SOUND" "They put a little seatbelt over them and go..." "I can do that." "HE WHISTLES How am I?" "You've slightly reduced cholesterol." "That'll be the oily fish." "It will be. so there'd have to be sex on board." "What problems do you foresee?" "Eugh!" "Right." "LAUGHTER" "We have..." "We have three ways." "That's a NASA training manual - "How To Reproduce"." "Roger." "I would've thought." "Connecting and staying connected would be difficult." "And the male member would be smaller in space because blood pressure is lower." "So it may be difficult to... no-one can hear you apologise." "Rich!" "I do love you." "And there is the business of fluids." "Jeez!" "And it could get into some important parts of the machinery and short-circuit things not make a porn film." "we have a problem." "We have spunk in the bay." I like the idea of space porn." "I'm here to fix the turbo thrusters." "you..." "Whoa-oa-oa!" "You better come through to the sleeping bay then." "A porn actress is waving him around by his knob." "Throwing him across to another woman who catches..." "LAUGHTER" "GARGLING SOUND" "Mmm!" "please." "What were the first words spoken from the surface of the moon?" "Sean." "Uh..." "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" "ooh!" "was it?" "Yes." "cos he hadn't got on yet." "Neil." "It's fine." "the moon." "who said the first human words uttered on the surface of the moon?" "Neil Armstrong." "it was Buzz." "He was in charge of the steering of the module as it landed." "Contact light." "and not..." "This is the moon." "This is the end of the line." "Please make sure you have all your bags" ""and personal possessions." What else do you know about Buzz Aldrin?" "His dad had a sense of humour." "he called him "Buzz"." "Ah." "But he didn't." "He called him Edward Eugene Aldrin Junior." "actually!" "His sister couldn't say "brother"." "She'd say "buzzer"." "And he became Buzz and he made it his legal name." "He had the hand of a monkey." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Very good." "What was his mother's maiden name?" "Surely you know that?" "Smith?" "Brown?" "Jones?" "Moon?" "Moon is the right answer!" "Did you know that?" "LAUGHTER the Dalai Farmer." "Fingers on buzzers again." "Who invented the moonwalk?" "Oh!" "Sean's in quickly." "Michael Jackson." "Oh!" "no." "if that's the word." "Winston Churchill." "a member of Shalamar." "Does that mean anything?" "# Gonna make this a night to remember... why did I say that?" "# Tonight" "# We're gonna make this a night to remember..." "# Ah-ah!" "da-da-da-da da-da-da-da" "# Da-da-da-doo-doo-doo-da-da... #" "Right." "Lovely." "Very good." "Very good." "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Lovely." "now then!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you." "This man Jeffrey Daniel was not the inventor." "Um..." "Bill Bailey." "LAUGHTER" "Wow!" "That picture's actually been taken in space." "I hope." "Oh!" "Look at him." "And he's just about to do it." "There we go!" "Look at that." "Isn't he great?" "He's rubbish." "Do you know of any other famous people who've had your name?" "his real name is Bill Bailey." "That's very good." "They thought Guns N' Baileys was rubbish." "I've a dormitory at the University of Colorado named after me." "Really?" "Rich Hall?" "Same name." "it's true!" "It's true." "The last man to be hanged in America was a Bill Bailey." "Good Lord." "What was his crime?" "I'm afraid I know no more about it." "Terrible dancing and silly hats." "Moonwalking in a built-up area." "You do know that there's an animal that can moonwalk?" "It's a wonderful bird called a mannikin bird." "Do you want to see a mannikin bird moonwalking?" "Yes." "LAUGHTER" "It gets funnier." "# Make this a night to remember Get ready... #" "Isn't it great?" "There is the loveliest bird in very '70s yellow trousers." "that's fantastic." "And that's all it does." "It's a delight." "You could have a programme of animals doing like '80s dances!" "you know." "What's he doing?" "Attracting a female." "Colour and movements!" "Here's the best one." "Hey!" "That's the one they like." "It gets funnier every time." "Let's hear it for the assured comedy stylings of the mannikin bird!" "CHEERING There you go." "APPLAUSE mannikin bird." "Bloody marvellous." "They make extraordinary sounds with their wings." "I thought you'd say they make extraordinary sandwiches." "you just..." "And they're the only bird that sings with their wings." "They do that and it's extraordinary." "can't you?" "Exactly." "One is enough." "Blah-blah." "who first put two feet on the top of Mount Everest?" "Sherpa Tenzing." "No!" "dear." "Edmund Hillary." "So you're saying they hopped up there then?" "Cliff Richard." "We didn't guess you might say that." "Did someone put an extra rock on it to make it two feet higher?" "They did that in an extraordinary way." "How high is...?" "They raised it from the bottom." "That would be laborious." "How high is Mount Everest?" "028 feet." "You're absolutely right down to the last foot." "APPLAUSE 002 feet." "Exactly." "But..." "This is very good." "It's how they applaud on What's My Line?" "Yeah!" "Very good!" "You're getting warmer!" "I think it's a man." "AS DAVID FROST:" "Let's see whose house it is. as the world's highest mountain in 1852." "He used a theodolite from 150 miles away." "000." "And he thought no-one would believe him." "They'd think he just rounded it up." "so it looked more precise." "So he was quite literally the first man to put two feet on..." "I grant you." "But it elicited the fact that you knew the two heights of Everest." ""I know two things about Everest." "who was he?" "Why was the mountain named after him?" "He kept changing his height." "He was the Surveyor General of India at the time it happened." "it's a hill." "I think we can say it is." "we shouldn't call it Mount Everest as he pronounced it "Eve-rest"." "George Eve-rest." "George Eve-rest." "I think that Churchill's nanny was called Everest." "Nanny Everest?" "Yes." "The tallest nanny in the world!" "IN HIGH VOICE:" "Nanny!" "leaving nothing behind but footprints and invidious colonial regimes." "Let's see how many points we've looted along the way." "Goodness me!" "In first place is Rich Hall with eight points!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And with three points is Bill Bailey!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE it's Alan Davies!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's not bad." "is Sean Lock with minus 16!" "Thank you very much." "APPLAUSE" "Alan and me." "And a quatrain from TS Eliot - "We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." Goodnight." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2007" "Email us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk"