""Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "I saw him getting out of his car, hurry." "Relax, all right?" "He's a minister, he's not the Pope." "No, he's not just a minister." "He's the only minister we could agree on to marry us." "I don't want him to know we were just..." "Getting all freaky deaky?" " Yes." "You know, I knew we should have been preparing for our interview, instead of..." "Well, you know." "You were there." "Honey, listen, Reverend Matthews just wants to meet us so he can, you know, get to know us before the ceremony." "It's not a big deal." "It's really more of just a formality." "We have nothing to hide." " Nothing?" " No." "What?" "Oh!" "Good morning, happy couple." "Uh..." "Boy..." "Smells like you two have been busy..." "Um, making breakfast." "Yeah, I could smell the bacon and eggs from here." " Yes, bacon..." " And eggs." "Yeah, 'cause you don't wanna forget about the eggs." "You two just had sex, didn't you?" "He's good." "I'd like to start with a question that I ask all couples:" "Can you do better?" " What?" "No." " What?" "No, of course not." "Good answer." "I like to weed out the losers right away." "I hold the record for officiating the highest rate of successful marriages..." "In Ohio." "So, please, don't mess it up, okay?" "Oh, you don't gave to worry about us, sir." " Yeah, we know we belong together." " Really?" "Was it love at first sight?" "Not exactly." "Oh, gross!" "I was expecting my date." "I'll be quick." "I was a jackass down at city hall, and I never should have crashed your meeting asking where your brother-in-law was." "That was wrong, and I just wanted to come here and say that I'm sorry." "Bolivia!" "Lewis is in Bolivia, isn't he?" "You just flinched." "I flinched because you shouted, "Bolivia."" "Okay, people in Bolivia flinched." "Look, I don't know where the hell he is!" "Now get lost and leave me alone!" "Hi, Griffin, hey." "Don't you look nice and..." "Smell handsome?" " Who's this guy?" " Ah, no guy." "I'm a Vic..." "You ever work with kids?" "Are you kidding?" "Right out of college," "I ran a youth center downtown." "I was in charge of 50 teenagers." "Cooked them meals, helped them with their homework." "I was Charles-friggin'-in charge." "Yeah, you're perfect." "There's just one little detail:" "I don't really like you." "So, um, basically, you two can't stand each other?" "Well, you know, just..." "Just for the first couple of years." "Yeah, we love each other now." "Okay, next question." "How do you resolve conflict?" "Very loudly." "What he means is we kinda fight a lot." "One of us is not really taking this seriously." " Oh, and that's me?" " Yeah, that's you." "Now stand up." "We're gonna dance." " Let's go." " Whoa whoa whoa whoa." "I think I know what this is about:" " Control." " Oh my..." "Yeah, you live in my house, you work for me." "Uh, technically, I am freelance." "Ah, bup bup bup." "Look..." "You put up with a lot, and the one time you're put in a position where you actually know something, you just wanna run the whole show." "Or maybe it's about someone who likes to call the shots at everything, including the exact color of stripes in our toothpaste!" "And now you're involved in a situation where somebody actually knows a little bit more than you do!" "Hey, stripes are important, okay?" "The green freshens and the white dazzles." " Control freak!" " Power mad dance master!" " Good look with the dance, baby." " Good luck with the ego!" "We can't go out on a romantic date." "We're in the middle of a huge fight." "We are?" "You didn't know?" "Nobody told me!" "Charlotte said that nobody can relax around us, because of all of the loud disagreeing." "Nobody can relax around us?" "!" "That's ridic..." "I..." "I am insanely relaxing." "I'm like Xanax in human form!" "Well, you are a pill." "I cannot believe you spilled the beans to Gillian about Nate wanting to dump her!" "You gave me the beans." "What was I supposed to do?" "I don't know!" "Clench..." "Like a drug mule on a plane from Columbia!" "This is nice." "We should do labels like this in our house." "Um, for instance, I would be "best hair,"" ""best aunt" and "best personality."" "Ha!" "What, on opposite day?" "Yeah, well, you would get "most mature."" "Not!" "Right after you got "least consistent about everything you ever say."" "Eh, meh meh meh meh..." "Ryder, do you wanna go upstairs?" "I cannot deal with one of these right now." "Me, either." ""Meh meh meh meh." What was that?" "What are you, a roadrunner or something?" "You know what?" "You would get "most annoying."" " Oh, "most annoying"?" " Yeah, "most annoying"..." "Really?" "Okay." "Well, fine, I learned from the best." "And "most bald."" "Yikes!" "Boy, all this combustion could wreck my success rate." "Come on, Reverend, it's not like this little quiz is gonna, you know, keep you from marrying us." "Well, actually, it could." "It's not a joke, friends." "If you fail this test, I'm not marrying you." "What did you think this was, just a formality?" "Did you hear that, Joe?" "It's not just a formality." "What if he decides not to marry us?" "Our wedding is next week." "Okay, well, look, we're just gonna have to take a moment and really think about what we say before we just say the first thing that pops into our heads." "You mean, lie?" "Why didn't I think of that?" "Yes, we're done with the truth." "The truth is not helping." "Oh, wow!" "Boy, that's good coffee." "I'll be hitting the ol' porcelain wishing well in no time." "Yep, it's delicious, isn't it?" "That's all Joe's work." "My sweet, wonderful, incredible Joe." "Well, surely you don't always feel that way." "Isn't there anything you find annoying about Joe?" "Okay, Burke, I don't ask for much." "It'd just be so nice after I work out if I can maybe get one, two gallons of hot water." "♪ Somebody needs attention. ♪" "Um, you gonna hook me up with Ariel?" "Fine, I'll call her for you, but I predict this whole thing is gonna blow up in your face." "I mean, she may not even be interested in you." "Are you kidding?" "She..." "Saw me." "The scandals..." "They will just not leave me alone." "You know, neither will hot women, but that's like a whole 'nother 45 minutes." "I left my cellphone in the garage, and when I went in there to get it, there you were with Lindsay, all pretzeled*** up on my yoga mat." "Whoops." "Look, Lindsay's my trainer." "You're my nanny." "It's like I'm paying people to sleep with each other." "What does that make me?" "Best boss ever!" "Nope." "Wouldn't change a thing." "He's a Saint, a totally humble and shredded Saint." "And how about you, Joe?" "Does Mel do anything that drives you crazy?" "I'm sure you have lots of interesting ideas about how to improve our relationship." "And I would love to hear them." "You know what, I would love to share them with you." " Great, go ahead." " Okay, first off..." "Okay, as I was saying..." "What I was trying to say..." "Don't you want a girlfriend?" "Don't you want love?" "Don't you want happiness?" "I just want this piercing pain to stop." " In your back?" " No, in my ears." "Just so we're clear, when I say, "ew, no"" "you hear, "tell me everything." "Don't leave out a single, gross detail."" "Mm-hmm, yeah." "Believe me, I didn't tell you everything." "I mean, I left out plenty of things, like, for instance..." "Hold that thought..." "Until I get out of here." "Look, I know that was hard for you." "And if it's too painful, we don't have to talk about it." "No, it's okay." "I'm a big boy." "I can handle it." "Well, in that case... ♪ I was right ♪" "♪ I was right, I was right. ♪" "Oh no." "I don't know how people..." "Can be friends with you." "I mean, I don't..." "I don't..." "I don't see the appeal." "Still not seeing it." "Nothing annoying comes to mind." "Well, seems like you two were lucky to find each other." "Uh, were there other relationships along the way?" "You don't need a number, do you?" "Of course he doesn't need a number." "Oh, okay." "Right?" "Let's make a baby!" "Right here on our lucky couch!" "Ooh." "It's just not a good idea to date somebody that much younger than you." " Hey, Joe!" " Hey!" "It's like Christmas." "Hot, sexy Christmas." "And I am ready to unwrap my gift." "Me too, 'cause I've been a good girl this year." "We're over, Joe Longo!" "Wait a minute." "Wait, hey!" "When the batter starts to bubble, you go under it like this and just flip it over." "You are so good at flipping things over." "Getting a little text message from your, um..." "Sneaky, secret boyfriend?" "No." "A text message has words." "We are not partners-partners." "Okay, we are..." "We are partner-silent partner," " so, shh." " But I..." "Ah ah ah!" "I just said silent partner." "Okay, here, I refer you to my prospectus." "Let me refer you to my check." "Besides, I don't really do silent." "Ask any of my other partners," "I make a lot of noise." "You know, we really didn't date that much before we met." "Yeah, we were pretty much virgins until we got together." "Uh-huh." "You know, for this to work, you have to be totally honest." "Oh, we are." "We never lie." "I..." "I don't even know how." "I texted Lennox that I had a big surprise." "You remember that Green Day concert that sold out in six minutes?" "Well, guess who scored two tickets." "Floor seats?" "How did you swing that?" "What?" "I'm a city councilwoman." "Okay?" "I'm a very important person." "All right, I'm a semi-important person." "Fine, I won them on the radio." "All right, one of my interns won them on the radio and she gave them to me." "All right, I took them from her!" "_" "_" "What'd he say?" "Um..." "He said that, he, uh, admires your choice of champagne tonight." "Only the best for my friend from Japan." "_" "_" "But, you know, I should probably get home too." "I'm stuffed." "I'm always tired after a big meal." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "What's geri?" ""Stuffed," "full."" "Yes, geri." "Mucho mucho geri." "I meant news about your friend junior." " George?" " No, junior." "As in, several years your junior." "Okay, look, I know he's little young for me..." "He's 24, Burke." "He told me." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "That's a pretty big age gap." "Well, it's only four years." "How do you figure that?" "I told him I was 28." "You're not 28." "Age is just a number." "Yeah, when you lie about it." "Lying goes totally against our nature." "Yeah..." "Uh-huh." "Are you ever insulting or snarky to each other?" "No." "No, we always treat each other with the utmost respect..." "All the time." "Personal question:" "Did your hair get sick of you and leave?" "This is a choice!" "Yes, we know." "When you graduated high school, they retired your thong." " Joe!" " Yeah, what's up?" "Nice outfit." "So, do you do the "Y," the "M," the "C" or the "A"?" "What are you doing?" "!" "There, ha!" "You're Mr. Clean." "Let's go." "Oh my gosh." "Oh my God!" "Oh, I wanna keep this." "And this." "And this!" "Wait a minute." "You're never gonna wear any of those." "But I still want them." "They're like museum pieces." "What museum?" "The, uh, slut-sonian?" "So how about you?" "What's the, uh..." "Most degrading thing you ever did for money?" "By far, this." "No, seriously." "What's the wackiest thing you ever did for the cash?" "You know, you ever sell anything from your body?" "Blood, hair..." "Male reproductive stuff?" "Let's play charades." "Who am I?" "Okay, one last question." "And this could make or break my decision to marry you." "It's about family." "Oh, I love my mom, I swear!" "Yeah, I send her a card every time she has a face lift." "Are you planning to have any little Mels or Joes" " in the future?" " Yes!" "Yes, we are." "Yes, and you know what?" "She's gonna be an amazing mother." "Aw, and he'll make an even better dad." "She knows me so well." "Oh, boy." "So you really think you're fit to be parents." "Oh!" "This one we can actually answer truthfully." "Just like all the other answers, right, honey?" "Actually, you know what?" "Hold that thought, Reverend." "Lennox, Ryder!" "Can you guys come down here, please?" "So you already have children together before marriage?" "How very modern..." "And what a huge sin." "No no no no no." "We're raising my teenage niece and nephew since my sister's been in prison." "Reverend Matthews, I'd like you to meet" "Lennox and Ryder." "I'm sure they'll paint us in a good light." " Yep." " You got it." "Great, then tell me, kids, have Mel and Joe been good role models?" "Think, guys, all right?" "Think carefully before you speak." "When I was your age and something like that would happen to me," "I would grab my fake I.D., sneak into a bar and drown my sorrows in a big frosty mug of..." "Milk." "This is my niece Lennox." "She's here for her first fake I.D." "Aw, that's so sweet." "She need a medical marijuana card too?" "I might have a touch of the glaucoma." "You talked her into going down there." "How did you talk her into going down there?" "I paid her 50 bucks." "A bribe?" "!" "That's terrible." "Not only is that wrong, that's horrible parenting." "Well, I'm not a parent and neither are you." "Can I have 50 bucks?" "No." "I don't think Lennox is gonna be too thrilled with the fact we just talked about her sex life on TV, so do you have a plan?" "I am prepared to face her with honesty and humility..." "And this $100 gift card." "A bribe?" "Oh, that's just great parenting." "Can it be from both of us?" "Oh, yeah!" "Who's the weenie now, huh?" "Not me." "My nanny's teaching me how to fight." "Look, I've had my share of foreign affairs." "Okay, after college I had a three-month Eurorail pass." "And let's just say, my visa got punched at a few different stops." "Ugh!" "How could you be so stupid to smoke pot on a school trip?" "How could you be so stupid to be the only one to admit it?" "Aunt Mel and Joe have taught us so many great things." "Aw, so sweet." "That calls for a family hug." " Aww..." " Hey, bring it in, everybody." "Family hug time." "Oh, I've seen enough." "Not only did you lie to a minister, but you forced these children to lie." "There's no way I'll sanctify this union." "But... but we love each other." "I don't give a crap." "I got a success rate to worry about." "Wait, Reverend Matthews." "You really think there's something wrong with our relationship?" "Of course not, dear." "You're perfectly normal." "Like a lot of perfectly normal couples..." "You're destined for divorce." "Bye now." "Divorce?" "!" "The nerve of that guy, huh?" "Who is he to judge us?" "What makes him a relationship expert?" "Uh, 50 years of marrying people and the highest success rate in the state." "He doesn't really know you guys or the story of your relationship." "Yeah, and it's so romantic." "And think about it, it came so close to not happening at all." "All right, one hand here..." " Mm-hmm." " ..." "And my thumb there." "Exactly." "And the man..." "That would be me..." "I put my hand right here." "Don't laugh." " Well, don't tickle me." " I'm not tickling you." " Well, I'm ticklish there." " You're ticklish in your upper back?" "I'm ticklish in a lot of places I'm not gonna tell you about." "It's like giving away launch codes." "Well, I wouldn't wanna accidentally set you off." "Look, you're gonna feel pressure against your hand, okay?" "And you're gonna go against that." "This is like two magnets." "Two magnets that are being repelled by each other." "Oh, so dancing with you is based on repulsion?" "I am gonna be awesome at this." "You're so cute, really." "Yeah, awesome." "Okay, you ready?" "I'm gonna move and you're gonna follow." "Pop." "How did that feel?" "Good." "Really good..." "I mean, in a dancing sort of way." "See, the tango..." "Is all about passion." "The man leads and the woman follows until they become..." "One." "You're special." "It's not every day you find someone you connect with, and I connect with you." "You're so special, Elena." "I mean, it's not every day that you find someone that you connect with." "And I..." "I really connect with you." "I..." "I didn't realize until just now how much I care about you." "I didn't realize till now how much I care about you." "And..." "And?" "And I'm gonna miss you when you're in Russia, Joe." "What?" "I... you tell her you're gonna miss her when she's gone, Joe." "Okay, bye." "What the hell was that?" "What?" "I..." "I was just saying goodbye." "Don't make a big deal." "What the hell was that?" "So..." "Doctor said none of that for at least a week." "It's tough." "I always have that look around you." " Joe." " Yeah?" "I love you." "Cool." "So look, Ryder is gonna be in the hospital like two days." "So you could take the first night," "I could take the second night." "Or whatever." "I could take the first night, you could take the second night." " It doesn't matter to me." " Joe, did you hear me?" "Yeah, you just said you love me." "Heh." "You wanna hear something funny?" "Ryder thought this was all about the pork, okay?" "But everybody knows pork doesn't cause that kind of..." "You drive me nuts!" "You drive me nuts too, but we're we're really not talking about that right now." "Austin wanted me to marry him." " And I said no." " That's a smart move." "I never thought he was right for you." "Like you know what's right for me?" "No." "But, you know..." "When am I wrong?" "Sometimes I just wanna strangle you." "Oh, would you two just stop talking and kiss?" "!" "See, that works." "Yeah, because when we're kissing, you're not talking." "Well, I..." "You know, if you both still wanna get married after all you've been through, that says something." "Either you really love each other or you're completely nuts." "Or both." "Well, I guess all that really matters is how we feel about our marriage." "Who cares what anyone else thinks?" "You know what?" "I don't care who marries us, honey, as long as I get to marry you." "Oh." "Mmm." "So there's nothing you would change about me?" "Let me think, um..." " Nope, nothing." " You had something in there." " Uh, definitely nothing." " Yeah, I saw it in your eyes." " You were thinking something." " Absolutely not." "And that is, uh..." "That's almost the truth." "Good enough for me." "All right." "Look, Reverend Matthews left his list of questions." "Oh, this one's a goody." ""Do you ever have a problem expressing yourself to your partner?" "Do you have a hard time finding the right words?"" "Ha, not us." " Nope." "No one in this house ever has trouble finding the right words." "Mark." "I hope one day I can get out of..." "One day I can get out of..." "Hope one day I can get out as much as out of cable TV as you..." "Hold on." "You need to, you know..." "We figure... figure out what we're gonna do next." "Yeah, but I don't have to wait three years to eat it." "Him." "I..." "Uh, my dinner." "What?"