"Pushing Daisies" " Season 02 Episode 09 "The Legend of Merle McQuoddy"" "Subtitle (720p CTU v.1.00):" "A²S Team" "At this moment, a father and daughter were on a camel trip across the Rub' al Khali, the 600-mile-long body of sand in the vast, harsh wilderness known as the Arabian desert." "In truth, young Chuck should have been floating on a sea of dreams, but at 8 years, 8 months, 21 days old, she was kept awake by the varicella-zoster virus, also known as chickenpox." "Her father, Charles Charles, hoped this magical journey was the antidote to his daughter's discomfort." "Indeed, it eased the girl's itch and replaced it with a burning desire for adventure." "Adventures her father promised to take her on someday." "Sadly, someday's adventures would never come, for, in a month, Charles Charles would die, and young Chuck would learn the sad lesson that, try as one might, one can never recapture what once was." "Until Charlotte Charles would again have her father." "Hello." "Only having him back meant lying to the pie maker she loved." "When Ned touches you, you play dead." "Say, you got a squatter in your old digs over there?" " I was worried." "I thought..." " Charlotte." "It's okay, dad." ""Dad"?" "You kept your father alive." "This looks bad." " It is bad." "It's horribly bad." " It can't be that bad." "Not like I'm the first ghost he's ever seen." "Please say something." "He's up here." "Lily?" " Quick!" " No!" "Get out!" "Lily, Vivian, is that you?" "!" "You know good and well who we are!" "Damn it!" "And we are spitting' pissed at being served up a steaming plate of door!" "I don't get pissed." "A gypsy once told me it brings on hemorrhoids." " Why can't I go out and talk to her?" " No!" "After you were gone, Lily and Vivian moved into our house to look after me." " They can't know that we're alive..." " But they're your aunts, Button-Button." "Except for the one that's my mother." "So you know." "And you're okay?" "Can we get back to your rude reception?" " I thought you were home invaders." " Then why did you say my name?" " I didn't." " I heard." " It must have been your eye... ears." " When you came over here to check for squatters and didn't immediately resurface," " Lily assumed the worst." " And brought two barrels of backup." "Hey, no squatters." "No anyone." "Let's all go home." " What was that?" " That was me." "Get it away!" "It's all right." "Lily's been petrified of clowns ever since our grand-papa chased her around the house with one of those." "It was Charlotte Charles whose strategic placement of the toy prevented her strong-willed mother from strong-arming her way further into the closet." "We need to talk." "You don't want to hear what I have to say." "A low-pressure system moving in from the coast threatened Papen County with its first winter storm." "But for the pie maker and Chuck, it was as if the tempest had already hit." "If I were thinking clearer, I'd... give you space to process everything, but I haven't slept since all this happened." "Since..." "I made it happen." "If your dad's alive, someone else had to die." " Who was it?" " Dwight Dixon." "We found him with a sniper rifle in the cemetery." "What?" "Emerson thinks that he was planning on killing both you and me" " the night we re-alived my dad." " Emerson knows?" "He helped me bury Dwight in my dad's empty grave." "He wanted me to tell you right away, but I..." "I begged him: "please, just wait until I know what to say"." "And then..." "You..." "You found me first." "What would have happened if I didn't?" "I'd have brought you here and told you that I was reckless and selfish." "Yes, you were." "And I can say that I'm sorry for deceiving you, and I will say that forever, but I can't say that I'm sorry my dad's alive, because I'm not." "It's so overwhelming, I'm so grateful, I don't know how to explain it." "You acted on an impulse so poignant and deep." "I know what it feels like." "I felt it with you." "And I'll never be sorry I did it either." "I'll let you breathe in a minute." "I promise." "I'm good." "So, what's next?" "The reality is, your dad's back... in swaddling bandages, but he's back." "And if we're gonna be one big, happy, albeit unconventional... family..." " There are things we need to discuss." " I've already covered a lot of ground." "First touch, life, second touch, death, and that Digby and I are the only other alive-agains to be alive longer than a minute." "Then that leaves figuring out what to do with your dad." "The only way we can do that is together." "Are we together?" "We're so "gethered", electrons couldn't get between us." "You're beaming." "I'm not the only one." "What is that?" "The body of Nora McQuoddy was what that was." "Mere moments earlier, the meticulous Papen Harbor lighthouse keeper, obsessing over a stubborn smudge, would make a fatal mistake, because what Nora didn't notice was her killer... who wanted everyone to notice her." "... County coroner's office." "At this time, the prime suspect, seen fleeing from the scene in a yellow fisherman's jacket, has been identified as the lighthouse keeper's husband, Merle McQuoddy." "That's some shady shadow puppet." "Merle McQuoddy!" "Out of all the enigmatic, esoteric local ghost stories, this is my absolute fave." "Merle McQuoddy was a salty sailor who left his lighthouse-keeper wife and young child on a fishing voyage" "10 years ago, only to vanish  without a trace." "Mariners swear his ghost haunts the sea caves by the harbor." "And when the lighthouse shines, you can hear his ghoulish moans as he cries out for someone..." "anyone... to guide him home and..." "Booed ya!" "In actual fact, the facts were these." "Merle McQuoddy did, indeed, leave his wife and child on a voyage 10 years ago." "His boat, the Knockout Nora, was loaded down with dungeness, when it was knocked out by the category 5 typhoon Tyrone." "For 9 years, 11 months, and 5 days, the presumed ghost, Merle McQuoddy, was very much alive and alone on a deserted island." "All the while, Nora kept watch, praying that one day her husband would come home and life would return to the way it once was." "After a near decade of waiting, her prayers were answered when Merle was rescued by a gay family cruise ship." "But Merle McQuoddy was not the man he used to be." "He'd roam the beaches at midnight, flew into rages, shunned indoor plumbing!" "And now he's a murderer at large, and..." "Mr. Cod?" "I was told I could find you here." "My name is Elliot McQuoddy." "Elliot McQuoddy?" "Son of urban legend Merle McQuoddy." "Please, you have to clear my father of my mother's murder." "My entire life savings... everything I ever found combing the shore with my metal detector." "By all means, bring me up to tempo on what happened tonight." "Mom dropped me off at the movies with a batch of homemade peanut brittle." "Afterwards, when I didn't see the minivan, I walked home." "Cops were everywhere." "They told me she was dead." "And dad was nowhere to be found." "You want it a la mode?" "The power's out and the ice cream won't be so much ice as cream soon." "Lots and lots, please." "Who knows when I'll get another meal, without mom to make it?" "You poor boy." "There, there." "Not here, here." "Sorry, kid." "Eyewitnesses say they saw Merle McQuoddy running away from the scene." "All they saw was a yellow raincoat." "There's no way he'd hurt my mother." "After 10 years of waiting, our family was finally reunited." "I don't know where my dad is and even if I find him... they'll take him away." "Excuse me." "Hate to be a bitch, but ain't no way in the world I'm taking this case." "You think Merle McQuoddy murdered Nora." "Merle McQuoddy's ship returned minus a few oars, making it a very easy leap from captain to killer." "Nothing this kid had to say makes me think otherwise." "Plus, I don't work in the rain." "You don't hate being a bitch that much." "I'll kick you back my third of the cut." "And if you're doing my third of the work, then..." "I'm gonna take a personal day to deal with personal... persons." "Well..." "Look like papa's gonna need a new raincoat." "And leather conditioner." "You see this water damage?" "These wing tips were custom-cobbled." "Can we hurry?" "I'm supposed to see Chuck's father." "I want to get him a "welcome back to life" gift." "Oh, I get the perfect gift... tap dad back to the grave." " Why would you say that?" " Because you are in over your head." "You can put a leash on a dog." "You know why?" "'Cause it's a dog." "But you can't put one on a war veteran that was cut down in his prime." "Before long, he's gonna break free." "Then he'll just be running the streets, telling the world what you can do." "Tap that." "This is Chuck's chance at having a family again." "I can't... tap that." "So make it look like an accident." "Trip over an ottoman and Dick Van Dyke that ass." "Fine." "I said my piece." "Let's get face-to-face with lighthouse lady." " What happened to her face?" " She's been effaced!" "Mrs. McQuoddy?" "Present conditions are cold, rainy, with a 100% chance of "you're dead"." "We're hoping that you can tell us who killed you." "Oh, hell." "We got a melty mouth." " "Yes" or "no" questions." " She can't nod." "How can she nod?" "What is that tapping?" "I don't think she's tapping." "I think she's talking in morse code." " How do you know morse code?" " Charles Charles taught it to us when we were kids so we communicated from our windows with flashlights." "Mrs. McQuoddy?" "Who committed your murder?" "P..." "C..." "H..." "S." "Is that all?" "Time's up." "P-C-H-S." ""Pic-hiss."" "Pic-hiss!" "Peaches!" "It's an acronym, fool." ""Papen County Historical Society."" "An old lighthouse like Nora's is bound to have interest." ""Peaches."" " What are you doing?" " Looking and finding you, which is a cinch, natch, 'cause I'm such an ace junior PI in training." "Look what mama got papa." "I bought one for you, too, Ned." "And one for me, too, of course." "'cause together, we're a crime-fighting team." "What do you say, papa?" "I think you and papa are gonna have a grand old time while I... take care of a... thing." " But..." " Hey, mood-swing Sally, anchors aweigh!" " You sure you don't want some pie?" " Thanks, Button, but I'll have cake." "Since when do you eat pie?" "You hate pie." "Well, this is the one that won me over." "So, no cake?" "At all?" "Oh, well." "Well, let's not worry about pie." "This family has bigger things to discuss." "To that end..." ""Move Mr. Charles from Ned's childhood home to Ned's apartment."" "You killed a tree for this?" "I'm happy as a clam right here." "The problem is, Lily and Vivian are right here too, and for a couple of agoraphobes, they get around." "We can't risk them coming back and discovering you, thereby discovering the truth about all of us." "From there, it's a hop, skip and a jump to angry mobs with pitchforks and torches." "If I bunk with you, you'd kill me again just by passing the pepper." "There are many safeguards already in place." "Truth be told, you touching me dead doesn't scare me nearly as much as the thought of you doing that to my daughter." " Sir, I could never hurt Chuck." " Oh, sure you could, deadly Nedly." "You could forget she's behind you and stop to tie your shoe or trip over a forgotten newspaper." "No number of redundant precautions can assure that you won't inadvertently kill her for good and forever, unless you're not in the same vicinity, which is why we're gonna make a deal." "I go quietly and play by your rules... and you never see Charlotte again." "The first family of Papen County." "Bunch of blond-over-blue children of the corn." "Which one we gonna grill first?" "Gus..." "the "Rosemary Kennedy" of the clan." "While brothers one through four run the family's commercial-real-estate empire and south asian call centers, all he got was the historical society." "Olive Snook?" "Mr. Papen." "Welcome to the Pie Hole." "Did you get my application to declare our wonderful establishment" " a historical monument?" " That application was denied the moment you people destroyed an exemplary specimen of turn-of-the-century beaux-arts architecture with the addition of a stucco-crust overhang." "Told you." "Well, since you're already here, you mind answering a few questions about Nora McQuoddy?" "Have they found the bloodthirsty husband?" "Merle?" "No." "What is Nora's connection to the PCHS?" "With her husband lost at sea," "Nora couldn't afford the lighthouse upkeep." "I used my family influence to declare it a protected historic monument." "I appointed Nora the lighthouse steward and the McQuoddys its guardian until the family line dies out or the sun swallows the Earth in a solar flare, killing us all." "Well, that means Elliot's in charge of the lighthouse now." "Other than that, I didn't really know Nora." "If you want to learn more, talk to Annabelle Vandersloop." "They volunteered together in the diorama exhibit." "Such a depressing word, "diorama"." "It has "die" in it." "I like "rama"." "Okay, so, this... is so we can keep in constant contact in the present, and this... is so you can regain contact with your past." "Well, I'll be." "Thank you, Button." "Right." "Well..." "I'll leave you to settle in." "Digby, come on." " There's milk to go with the cake." " You didn't have to go to that trouble." "I wanted to." "It's a huge adjustment." "That's big of you, kid." "We won't get anywhere without a little teamwork." "That's a perfect segue way to our playbook." "This is everything that pertains to the alive-again lifestyle with" " your particular alive-again situation." " You mean my corpse face?" "Corpse face... taken into consideration." "In short, stay inside with the doors locked and the curtains drawn." "Food deliveries are verboten." "However, telephone use is unrestricted, as long as you choose from the list of cleared aliases on page 13 when communicating with the outside world." "For the first month, I would recommend wearing latex gloves." " I already got gloves on." " No harm in double-bagging it, eh?" "Sir, I'm really trying here." "Instead of buttering me up... why don't we deal with the elephant in the room?" "You killed me." "I knew your parents, Ned." "You were raised right." "How about an apology?" "I'm sorry." ""All is forgiven" is gonna be a long time coming." "You need to respect that." "All right?" "Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a bunch of reading to do." "While Charles Charles was reading," "Olive Snook and the private investigator were listening to one Annabelle Vandersloop." "Nora and I were best friends." "We met through the notable widows of Papen County." "We paid tribute to our notable husbands' notable deaths through the miniature medium of diorama." "I love dioramas." "How can I get involved?" "Are you a widow?" " No." " Oh..." "Unfortunately, I'm single." "But I do have a beloved horse who bought the farm." "I could "dioram" that." "Sorry." "Expired spouses only." "For example, my late husband, munitions manufacturer Adolph Vandersloop, went out with a bang." "An errant 4th of July rocket flew into an open window while he was taking inventory." "One can never add enough glitter to a husband's memory." "Miss Snook, do you see how your pony death might make a mockery of our legitimate efforts?" "Do you see how you have cotton balls stuck to your ass?" "I was looking for those!" "Yeah, well, I'm looking for something..." "information... on whether Nora McQuoddy's husband made himself a notable widower." "I was with sweet Nora when she heard the news that homosexual boat had rescued Merle." "Can you imagine the joy of starting over with a husband you thought you'd lost?" "No." "You can't." "Anyway, Nora was the first to admit that she was an overprotective mother, but with Merle home and Elliot so desperate to bond with him, it quickly became two against one." " She finally had to put her foot down." " On what?" "Crazy things, like, you know, father/son sailing trips around the world." "She absolutely forbade it." "And I guess that was the final straw before Merle snapped, killed her, and went AWOL." "Sometimes I just think to myself, "life... you can't make this crap up"." "Well, thanks for your time." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Good luck." "Speaking of crap, Elliot seems to be full of it." "We met a heartbroken mama's boy who never mentioned feuds with mama." " What gives?" " That's just what we're gonna ask him." "Don't bother signing in." "The open house is off." " Who are you?" " Willie Gherkin." "Smiley Realty." "You lost your smile, pickle." "I thought it was too good to be true." "This lighthouse lands in my lap, and now" "I find out I can't sell it because it's a protected historical monument!" "This is so not the way the secret is supposed to work." " Where's the owner?" " Elliot?" "That little bowl-cut split." "But not before I advanced him 10 grand against the sale." "Said he and his father were going out of town and need cash quick." "Is that legal?" "How should I know?" "I just got my license." "Screw it." "I'm going back to personal training..." "Where there's respect." "Excuse me." "Try this on for size." "So, Merle kills Nora, and then..." "Elliot hires me... to take the suspicion off Merle." "And then Elliot goes and gets the funds so they can take their little father-and-son trip." "But if they did score a sloop, there's no way they're taking it out in this weather." "They must be hiding." "Let's smoke 'em out." "I can't believe you got me working in this downpour." "Yeah, what's up with that, anyway, rain-hater?" "I mean, I'd get it if you were a cat or had hair." "Or got dumped." "Back in the rainy day, my ex and I used to hole up with a bottle of brandy and some tomato soup, and we wouldn't come out until the sun did." "Now..." "Whenever the drops fall, it reminds me of everything I lost and ain't gonna get back." "Happy?" "Let's wait it out here a bit." "I've always wanted to see this place." "But you can't get much of a feel for it when you're trying to peek inside." "Are you trying to give me the heebie-jeebies or something?" "Or a theory as to where the murderous McQuoddys are holed up." "Remember the sea caves Merle's ghost supposedly haunted with his howls?" "There's nothing haunted about them." "The sound is created when the wind rushes in off the water, kind of like..." "Elliot knows those caves like the back of his hand!" "If he's in there, he's gonna get the back of mine." "Yeah!" "Let's go." "All right, sugars have been re-sugared, creamers have been re-creamed." "Anything else you want me to do before I head to the store?" "Dad gave me a list." ""Slippers, mouthwash, and the last 20 years of my life back"." " He's... so funny." " Hilarious." "It's bad enough we can't touch." "Now I'm not allowed to see you?" "How is that possible?" "We don't have to stop seeing each other." "It's just when dad's around..." "Which is limited to your apartment." "He can't go anywhere else." "I'm not embarrassed to say that I'm scared of your father..." "Petrified, actually... and... stop smiling." "I can't help it." "Something's happening I never thought would happen." "My dad's torturing my first boyfriend." "Yeah." "Exactly." "We get to be the teenagers we never thought we'd get to be." "You because you were locked up in some boarding school and me because I was shut up with my shut-in aunts." "And now you get to be the studly varsity quarterback, and I get to be the flirty head cheerleader." "Which means we can break curfews and mislead our parents and generally... sneak around." "I may need some more convincing." "I'll meet you later behind the bleachers." "Bring your pom-poms." "Hello, Nedly." "Looked to me like you were necking with my daughter." "The one you promised to keep a distance from." "You can't be here." "Go upstairs." "I'm not going anywhere." "Everybody out!" "We have a gas leak caused by... a radon emission chock full of asbestos!" "Safety first!" "Cover your eyes!" "Everybody out!" "Seriously... no cake at all?" " I made you a cake." " I'm not one for chocolate." "Who's not for chocolate?" "Everyone at least tolerates it!" "Mr. Charles, you can't be in public like this." " If someone sees you..." " I'll say I'm a burn victim." "If I need to say anything at all." "I've been walking around for an hour, and no one's looked at me twice." "I wonder if I can get myself one of those "handicapped parking" placards." "There's no driving!" "That's rule number 17!" "Why am I supposed to play by your rules when you don't, Romeo?" "I..." "I'm just trying to keep you safe." "Look, kiddo, you may be able to scare Charlotte with stories of mobs and pitchforks and torches, but I know the truth." "If the villagers show, they aren't coming for me." "No, they're coming for the guy with the magic finger." "Hate to break it to you, Charles, but no one cared about Dr. Frankenstein." "They were after his monster." "Regardless of what you think, my priority is your daughter's well-being." "If you walk out that door, you put her life in jeopardy." "As her father, I'll be the judge of that." "You're not leaving." "Not bad for a dead guy, huh?" "Don't... touch... me." "As the tide turned for the pie maker, a turn of the tide allowed Emerson Cod and Olive Snook to turn their investigation toward a sea cave." "If the McQuoddys are barnacled up in here, we'll have them cornered." "If McQuoddy is here, I'll just die!" "Not because he's a killer, but because he's a..." "Easy there, friend!" "Not foe." "Yeah, well, we foe, fo'sho'." "Emerson Cod, PI, here to trawl your ass downtown." "Where's Elliot?" "Gathering supplies." "We know all about the McQuoddy family killers cruise." "You two murdered Nora!" "You're mistaken, matey!" "When she died, I was here." "Why are you bunked up al grotto?" "For the past month, Nora and I... had been trying to put our marriage back on its old course, but 10 years apart... leaves you different people." "The other night, while Elliot was at the movies," "Nora confessed to me that she'd found her bearings with another man." "Bewildered, I sought shelter here." "Why not clear things up with the authorities?" "Because I'm a ghost with an alibi as thin as fishing line!" "It was Elliot's idea to set sail from here." "Said he'd garner the funds and I would prep the vessel." "Just one hole in your story." "Elliot never mentioned Nora's new squeeze." "Nora never told him." "Yeah, well, you better cough up a name, or we're hauling your buoy in." "She didn't tell me his name." "But I found this... in her personal effects." "A dutch love spoon." "Men used to give it to their women as a symbol of the sweetness that they'd feed each other forever." "I've read the entire Harlequin library." "I didn't give my wife this spoon." "No." "A lover did." "A lover who murdered her in a jealous rage before she had a chance to tell him that she was leaving her husband." "See?" "Engraving says:" ""A.P. 'hearts' N.M."" "N.M. is Nora McQuoddy, but who in the hell is A.P.?" "Papen is a dutch name." "Scurvy!" "There's 50 Papens in this county alone." "But only one Augustus." " Gus Papen!" " Gus Papen!" "I think I was first." "What happened?" "Your dad came down and we had a little... tussle." " What do you mean "a tussle"?" " Well, more like a scuffle." "Charlotte?" " Oh, my god." " No, wait... let me explain." "Oh, my god." "Ned." "Oh, my god." "Come here." "The light... so bright." "Are you okay?" " My wrist." " What?" "I think I need to ice it." "Now, you go upstairs and I'll be right there." " That was an act!" " An act of foolishness." "Why would you bring him to the Pie Hole?" "I didn't." "He left my apartment of his own accord, wandered around for an hour, and then grabbed a seat at the counter." "He wouldn't do that." "He knows the rules." "Didn't you hear?" "Your dad's not one for chocolate or rules." "So from this point on, he's gonna be doing his own thing." "All right, I will go upstairs and I will talk to him." "We said we'd handle this together." " I'm coming with you." " No." "You're far too upset." "I'm not having you fighting again." "He's a big boy." "He can handle it." "Yeah, well, maybe I can't." "I get it." "My dad is strong-willed and he's stubborn." "But it's just a normal... father/daughter/daughter's boyfriend dynamic." "No, it's not." "Why not?" "Because he's been dead for 20 years?" "Just... pretend he's been in a coma." "I don't have the luxury of pretending that he's in a coma or you're the head cheerleader or any of this is normal, because Charles Charles has no problem exposing our secret to the rest of the world!" "We need to put a stop to this." "How?" "'cause re-deading him is not an option." "I never said that." "Look, I've tried everything to make this work." "You don't want to work together anymore... fine." "You take care of it." "Hi." "Come here, Button." "What I have here is a cookbook... of culinary treasures from around the world." "Close your eyes, tap the page, and where the spoon lands... is where you and I are gonna go tonight." "No, dad, it was just a misunderstanding that went out of control." "Leaving is not the answer." "Well, is this better?" "Let's see." "Rule 21..." ""When crossing rooms simultaneously, party A shall announce "Coming" at which point party B shall pause, then commence movement with the response "Going."" "This is how you live?" "You may have grown up without me, but I am back, and I am never gonna stop trying to keep you safe." "The little girl I left behind would have never settled for a lock-and-key existence." "No, she was destined for adventure." "But... my life is here." "This isn't a life." "This is a freak show." "We're only freaks in Ned's world." "Away from Ned, we could do anything, be anything." "Dad, I just want things to be how they used to be." "Come with me, Button." "Pie is... simple." "It's limited." "Just... a bit of... pastry and filling." "Cake is complex, layered with treasures waiting to be discovered." "Which one do you choose?" "Gus and Nora were an item?" "Could he have had something to do with her murder?" " You didn't hear it from me." " Oh, my god!" "Miss Snook, I almost forgot..." "I told the notable widows your story, and it made us realize how very blessed we are." "It is better to have loved and lost than to be you." "Well, you'll have to excuse me." "I have an appointment to get to." "Ta, sad Miss Snook." "See you at Tuesday's potluck." "Not on the Savile Row glen plaid cashmere." "It's just paper-maché paste." "It'll come right out." "See you at the potluck on Tuesday!" "Ta." "You get anything from Vandersloop?" "Just a good riling." "'cause I found something, snooping around in Gus Papen's office." "A proposal to redevelop Papen Harbor lighthouse." "Check the next page." " A water slide!" " He got a green light." "The runt of the Papen Litter found a way to prove that he can go toe-to-capitalistic-toe with all his brothers." "Merle's sudden return gave him a McQuoddy twofer." "Kill Nora and then frame the crazy captain with the crime." "With both of them out of the way, he's free to redevelop to his bank account's content," " provided he could get rid of..." " Elliot McQuoddy!" "Confirming a meeting with Gus at the lighthouse tonight." "Help!" " Oh, hell no!" " Oh, hell no!" "All right, Papen!" "Step away from the boy!" "Help!" "If I do, he'll die!" "Is that reverse psychology?" "That's exactly what you want!" "What I want is to save him!" "Is that reverse reverse psychology?" "He didn't do this!" "Well, then who the hell did?" ""Who the hell did?" was Elliot McQuoddy himself." "Realizing the severity of the impending nor'easter," "Nora's son struggled to do his dead mother proud by raising the signal flags..." "Mommy!" "... And failed." "Thank you." "It's okay, Elliot." "So, wait a minute." "You weren't trying to wipe out the McQuoddy line and take over this lighthouse?" "Of course not!" "Not when I want to save it!" "I don't like the looks of this." "I don't like the looks of him!" ""Welcome to the Papen lighthouse resort  day spa"?" "I'll be your candle on the water" " my love for you will always burn," " Always burn," "Iknowyou'relost and drifting, but the clouds are lifting don't give up, you'll have somewhere to..." "Shut the a cappella up." "And that's how our cocktail hour begins... with a bang and a song!" "Followed by a gourmet meal and dancing here in the lamp room." "That's why I called Elliot..." "to pitch him!" "This feels really, really wrong." "How can a symbol of love be wrong?" "So, you... and my mom?" "She wanted to tell you." "Then your father returned." "We tried to put our feelings aside, to give them a shot at recapturing the past..." "But they couldn't." "Let's have something good come out of this tragedy." "If that's the plan, please nix the glitter." "Who'd you get to decorate the place..." "Annabelle Vandersloop?" "Wait a minute." "What if crazy craft lady was up here, but instead of a hot-glue gun, she brought a stone-cold harpoon?" "Mrs. Vandersloop was my mother's best friend." "Why would she kill her?" "Because Nora wasn't the only squeeze Papen here was squeezing'." "Turn around there, shortstop." "Paper-maché?" "You were getting down with the diorama dame." "I damned that dame every time she made an advance..." "Like tonight, in my office, and a dozen nights before." "Come on, Papen." "You two must have been swapping something other than historical factoids." "Once... years ago... at the historical society Christmas party." "So, spurned lover spears her best friend, then frames ghost husband to take the fall." "Let's rubber-cement her ass to a prison bed." "Tell me you guys are missing a baritone." "A full house!" "So much for keeping the innocent-victim count down." "Seriously, does she toot glitter?" "That ain't glitter." " That's gunpowder." " She's going to blow us up." "You remember my husband, Adolph, the munitions manufacturer?" "I inherited the remaining inventory." "Said I'd save it for a rainy day." "And look... it's here!" "Annabelle, why?" "You tossed our love aside like it never happened!" "It was one night!" "What we had was so much more special than anything you had with Nora." "When Merle returned, it was the answer to my prayers." "But even then, you couldn't let go!" "So I had to eliminate her." " I still love Nora." " Shut up." "That's why you've left me no choice." "I don't understand how killing us is gonna solve anything!" "I do!" "I do!" "When you called me "sad Miss Snook", it really honked me off, but now I realize that you recognized sadness in me because you had it in you." "The rest of you don't know what it's like to know in your heart that you belong with somebody, if you could only eliminate everybody else so that maybe he'd finally, finally grasp what you've been trying to show him... that feeling that you've been dying to recapture." "If only for a moment." "But that moment never comes, so what do you do?" "Decide not to love Ned?" " Gus." " Gus!" "Gus!" " See?" "I've tried that." " Me too!" "Did it work?" " Heck no." " Heck no!" "So you know what I say?" "Annabelle Vandersloop did move on." "She was no longer sad about losing Gus' love, since a 30-year prison sentence gave her something to be truly sad about." "Merle and Elliot McQuoddy moved on, as well, becoming partners in Gus Papen's lighthouse hotel." "They used the profits for a trip around the world and found, on the high seas, the route back to their father/son bond." "Meanwhile, private detective Emerson Cod was afloat in a sea of reward money, given by the Papen County Historical Society, which he shared with the junior PI in training." "Nice work, Snook." "Thanks, Cod." "I learned from the best." "Wait." "Hold on, now." "We ain't done." "You remember when you said you were still in love with Ned?" "That wasn't just for wicked widow's benefit, was it?" "No." "I thought I'd stomped out that flame, or at least brought it down to a smolder, but no." "I still burn and yearn for him now more than ever." "Do I need to be concerned that any of my Pie Hole peeps are gonna be eliminated?" "Meaning, am I gonna harpoon Chuck so Ned will finally love me?" "No." "Well..." "If the day finally comes that being around pie boy and his pie girl make your suffering insufferable," "I just want you to know that there's a place for you, right here in this professional establishment." "All you have to do is ask." "Emerson Cod." "I think I may be winning you over." "Itty-bitty..." "You made me love a rainy day again." "You've got to understand." "When I was a little girl," "I used to compare my dad to... all the other dads on our street." "I probably wasn't very objective, because" "I was convinced that he was the strongest and bravest and most... fun man in the neighborhood." "I can say, objectively, he was all those things." "And when he was gone, that's how I remembered him." "I put him on a... paternal pedestal." "And now..." "Now he wants me to leave." "Leave?" "Where?" "Anywhere the spoon lands." "He promised me an adventure like the ones he told me about when I was a kid." "All I have to do is... choose cake over pie." "He's trying to be the dad that I always dreamed of, someone who... could keep his little girl safe and happy." "Except I'm..." "I'm not a little girl." "Which is why I told him the spoon lands here." "I already feel safe and happy, and... and, besides, we have adventures every day." "What did he think of your decision?" "He's waiting for you upstairs." "With a gun?" "With an apology." "He wants us all to start afresh." "Then he's a good dad." "And you're a good man." "Come on." "Dad?" "Come on!" "Grab your hat!" "We're taking hot toddies up to the roof to watch the snow!" "No!" "Dad!" "Synch:" "Salomon  Gaillots" "Rereading:" "Bruno  Toupack"