"Let you down, didn't I?" "I tried." "Bye, Combo." "OK, can you all come and take your seats now, please." "No running!" "Quiet, please!" "Turn over your pages." "You may begin." "Fuck this." "Who's making me a brew?" "Looking sharp, Banj!" "Looking good, Meggy!" "Ready to rock?" "Ready to roll." "What the fuck is that?" "I can see you, you know." "Cup of tea, Mrs Whittaker?" "Going to have to get off now, Mr Sandhu." "Sure, no problem." "That's why I'm here." "She's got 10 more minutes." "Don't let her stay on any longer, it'll overbake it." "Move away from here." " Get the fucking flowers." " Move away from here, please." "What are you doing?" "Come here!" "You little glue sniffer!" "I said, "Come here!"" "It ain't drugs, it's summat else." "Fucking hell!" "What have I done?" "!" "OK, pens down, please." "We will come round and collect your answers." "You're in for quite a shock, young man." "Think you'll find it'll be me that's doing the shocking." "You may now leave." "Please leave quietly!" "Shaun!" "Hi, love." "Mum?" "What are you doing here?" "I thought I'd take you for a bit of lunch, love." "Celebrate." " Looking very smart, love." " Yeah." "When were this, here?" "Brighton Rally, 1968." "They called him Ripper back then." "More like bloody Flipper!" "Here he is, Brando!" " How are you doing?" " All right, son?" "Any chance of a soft-boiled egg, Barbara?" "I'm going." "All right." "Have a good day, son." "See you later." "I was struggling to stay in character there, love." "I'm sure he knows we know, you know." "Mum?" "How are you doing, boys?" "Here they are, the boys!" "What's this?" "Mushroom vol-au-vent, mini quiche." "You're having a giraffe!" "Come here, Meggy, what's going on here?" " Meggy did all the catering." " Have you made all them?" "A whole range." "Fucking Lord!" "Come here and give me a snuggle, you great, wonderful man." " Enjoy it, son." " I will do, mate." "You're an angel." "That's all right." "Cheers, boys." " It'll be a good night." " It'll be a cracking wedding." "{It's going to be a frigging belter,} I'm going to OD on vol-au-vents." " I'm getting{ really }excited." " How are you, lads?" "All right." "Looking forward to it." "I've cleaned me teeth." "With only a few days to go before the World Cup, the England players have been warming up..." "There you go, love." "So, how did it go?" "It went." "End of." "Good." "Your dad would be so proud of you, love." "Mum, I promised to do them." "Doesn't mean I'm going to pass them, does it?" "So what's the plan now, then?" "Not really sure." "I mean, I was thinking Manchester and Liverpool." "But I've heard that Derby is quite nice at this time of year." "I've decided to call it Shaun's Tour of England 1986." "Oh, right." "Shaun, I'm not getting you a bloody scooter." "I told you that." "I don't like them." "They're dangerous." "Said I'd get you a present, not put you in a coffin." " I've made you an appointment, anyway." " For what?" "The man on the line was very nice, he said..." "Listen, Mum," "I've literally just finished my exams." "I want a bit of freedom." " I don't want to go straight to jail." " No, Shaun, you've finished school now." "You've got to get a job, love." "You're an adult." "Your appointment's three o'clock and you'd better go, cos I'll check." "I've got you a present." "It feels like keys." "Just open it." "You've got me a scooter, you big fat liar!" "It's your dad's signet ring." "{I didn't think you had the chunk on your finger so }I've put at on a chain for you." "It's nice, isn't it?" "Are you disappointed?" "I just..." "I thought that you'd lost this." "No, he wanted you to have it." "He expected a lot from you, son." "So do I." "Be quiet for a second?" "Can we just talk about what happened?" "{ It was very scary...} {What happened is y}You ran off!" "If all else fails,{ tomorrow} you can become a superhero." "I can see it, mate." "Lard On Toast Man!" "Asthma Man!" "You'd be brilliant." "Taking the mick out of my asthma?" "That's not{ a} funny{ thing, is it?" "}." " You wouldn't if I was in a wheelchair." " I would, actually." "I couldn't get traction in these trainers{, right?" "}." "She was built like a brick shit house and looked like the Terminator." " She was as fierce as him as well." " Mate, I'm appalled by your antics." "{Deeply appalled.} It was offensive to the eye and we can no longer be friends." "You deserve to be told." "You deserve to have a bit of physical punishment, I also think." "Oh, fuck!" "The bus, Gadge!" "Start running!" "Frigging hell!" "Hurry up!" "Come on, just run, you divvy!" " I'm running as fast as I can!" " Hold the bus!" " Here she is." " Ey up!" "What the {*bloody }hell's that?" "It's a calming mix of sage and sandalwood." "It fucking stinks, I know that." " What are you wearing?" " It's nice, isn't it?" " Hi, Trev." " How you doing?" " Kel." "How are you doing, gorgeous?" " Yeah, I'm all right." "Where is she?" " All right?" " Yeah, cool." "You look beautiful." "You don't need no dress, do you?" "You look lovely, Lol." "Sorry, everybody." " 'Ey up!" " Nearly missed the fucking bus." "Bloody hell." "Where's Gadge?" " He's done good today." " Has he done well?" " Proper good." " You all right?" " Wicked." " Look at these." "What the fucking hell are them?" "Have you got them from Transylvania?" "Fucking graveyard." "We ain't got no fucking money{, have we?" "}." "Graveyard?" "Is it coming with a frigging entity as well?" "Going to haunt us?" "Has anyone got a fag that I can have, please?" "I'm gagging." "Cheers, bud." "Thank you." "God's sake." "Before you know it you're going tobe married  and it's going to feel like an injection." " ..." "I might do." " Oh, this is so exciting!" "There?" "That?" "This?" "!" "Yeah, that." "What bloody wrong wi' it?" "I'm glad I put my cupcakes in Tupperware boxes." "Best you could find, was it?" "£22, that's wedding and reception." "Can't get better than that now." "I{ bet i}f we'd have brought the camp beds they'd have chucked in the honeymoon{ as well}." "Will you behave yourself?" "Are you all right with this?" "It's what I've dreamed of all my life!" "What do you have to be like this for?" "It's nice, no?" "{I don't like it.} Don't shake your head like that." "What's the fucking matter with you?" "We all look beautiful." "Banj and Meg have made some shit going on here, what's this?" "Cupcakes and vol-au-vents." "Cupcakes and vol-au-vents!" "Harv and Gadge, they've{ been and} nicked some flowers, haven't they?" "It's the event, not the venue." "{That's what it is. }It's the event, it's not the venue." "Love, please don't be mad." " You like it, don't you, Banj?" " I like it." "Frigging loves it." "Let's go get pissed{ in it}." "I hope it looks better on the inside than it does on the outside." "{It's bloody industrial. }It's a strong building." "That's why it looks like that." "It's nice inside." "Fuck me, it's Trudy." " Oh, Trudy!" " Hello." "Ding-Dong Bells wedding services, you are our destiny." "We'll make your special day in a special way your special day." "In a special way." "That was fucking crap!" "Don't mind them." "We're booked in for about three." "{I know. }I've been looking forward to it." "{Do you know?" "}If you'd have given me 3 more weeks I would have done your service." "I'm getting my licence, ain't I?" "Licence to kill romance!" "It's a joke!" "No, but seriously, you two." "Together forever." "You know what?" "Can you remember, you bought your first pair of Docs off me." "I did do, yeah." "I did an' all." "I was the one who pretended you didn't have wide feet." " I didn't have wide feet!" "{They weren't massive.}" " He really did." "Even the Clarks extra wide ones were too narrow for your great squares." "I never, ever forget a foot, me." "Young Gary here once had a Dairylea triangle stuck down his sock, but his feet were completely normal." "You promised you wouldn't say anything about that!" "Can you remember?" "You used to look at me boobs when I was tying up your laces." "I was 8-years-old and you were a grown woman." " You should have known better." " You're all grown up now{ though}, aren't you, darling?" "Halt!" "Halt!" "Turn around." " Move!" " Fucking hell!" "I'm sorry, Flip, mate, I'm trying to get out of the way." "Get out of my way then, you bell-end." "Fucking sort it out!" "Ginge." " 'Ey up." "Here come the Budgies." " What have you got there, Shaun?" "Some chips." "Well, that's rude." " Well, do you want one?" " No." "Higgy might." " I'm hungry, Shaun." " Do you want one?" "Go on then, Shaun." "I'll have a chip." "Come on." "Fuck off with your ginger chips, Shaun!" " What do you want?" " I'm glad you asked, Shaun." "I need a favour." "You know Gemma Hitchins?" "Sweet Tits?" "Sweet Tits Gemma." "Go round her house and call her a fat ugly dog in front of me, so I can stick up for her and make her want to go out with me." " Do what?" "!" " You heard him, orange pubes." "You are going to go round her house and call her a fat dog." "I'm not thick." "I know that if I just go round there," "I'm going to call her a fat dog, you'll just punch my face in." "On my honour, mate, I won't touch you." "I promise." "I might shout a little bit, maybe trip you up or something, just to defend her honour, right?" "She's going to go, "Wow, he's my hero." ""Come here, Flip." I'm going to go..." "And you're gonna fuck off and I'm gonna {start }finger her." "While I watch." "Why don't you just try being nice to her?" "The whole point is she thinks I'm a bully and stuff." "By doing this, I'll make her see that I'm dead sensitive and stuff as well as being hard." "Come on, I was just starting to like you." " And what if I say no?" " I'll knock your fucking tooth out." "Drop your fucking chips and get on." "Better hold on tight as well, Shaun," " it's gonna be a fucking frisky ride." " Do I have to?" "Don't fucking talk neither." "I'm fed up with you now." " What the fuck is going on here?" " You told to me to get on the bike..." "Get off my bike, I'm not a fucking homo." "Get on his bike." "Fucking Jesus." "Is Mum still not answering?" "Did I tell you I've got a bit of gippy tummy, Woods?" "... there it goes again." "Regular as clockwork." "Enjoy, Meg." "Hey, good luck, mate." "What you on about?" "He's not even getting bloody married!" "Nice one." "Congratulations, guys." "Nice to see you all." "See you!" "Have a safe journey." "Travel safe." "I'm going to go and call Mum again." "Yeah, just come round to say that  you're a fat pig." "For fuck's sake!" "How did I get roped into doing this?" "Fucking..." "How are you, all right?" "Yeah, I just thought I'd come round to... to say that, school's out!" " Flip and Iggy are in here{ if you want to come in}." " Are they?" "I've not seen them for absolutely ages." "It's weird, innit?" "What?" "How that's got its own rug." "Yeah, mate." "I know even weirder, though." "What's that?" "Who'd sit in that chair?" "It's ridiculous." " Oh, hi, Shaun." " Hello, Shaun." "Sit down." "What are you doing, Ginge?" "Sitting down." "Get up." "Sit over there." "There you go." "It's fresh out." "And there's, um, some glasses, it's dead common drinking out of the bottles." " Saved you a seat." " It's not nice, is it?" "Dead good, aren't they, Soda Streams?" "So, have you thought about what you're going to do now, after you've finished school?" "I'm doing a health and beauty course down at the college and then probably do hairdressing or manicure or something." "That sounds like a really good course." "Yeah, it is." " Are you having a drink, Gemma?" " No, it's for Shaun." "It's all right." "You're welcome, Shaun." " Gemma, I was..." " I don't know what he's doing." "I was thinking." " What?" " Maybe you could be a fat dog." " You what?" " A big fat..." " You take that back!" " A fat dog?" "All right, I'll take it back." "That's so crap." "Gemma, I will protect you." "That's my dad's lamp!" "Fucking arsehole!" "You said you weren't going to hit me." "No, I never, Ginge." "I never said nothing about hitting." "Have you set this up?" "You have." "You set this up." "You've got him to come in here and call me a big fat dog so you look the big knight in your white plimsolls." " Are you fucking thick?" "!" " Fuck it, I'm dying here." "Nobody cares, Ginge." "Shut up!" "I'm not thick..." " Your eye's thick now, isn't it?" " My face!" "I start my new job next week." " You've got a fucking job?" " Shut your frigging gob." " I've had enough of you." " Stop hitting me, Gemma." "Gemma, I love you, all right?" "I'd rather go out with him than you." "At least he's not a horrible, rude bastard!" "You're dead, Fields." "Shut up!" "You can run, but I'm going to get you in a minute." "You're not in court, you know." "Smile." "Richard!" "Richard!" "You didn't expect to see us, did you?" "We're not angry with you, love." "This looks... wonderful." "Sit her down, Dad." "That's brilliant." "Who the fucking hell's invited them?" "Don't look at me." " I'm telling you, do not look at me." " You've upset me with that." "Who's invited my mam and dad?" "At least they fucking made it." "My mum didn't turn up." "I didn't want them here though." "You've ruined every bit of today." "Do you want to ruin this as well?" "I'd like to welcome you all to the wedding of Frances{ Lorraine} Jenkins..." "Where's Meggy?" "He'll miss it at this rate." " I think he's still having a shit." " Oh, Gadget, shut up!" "It was..." "I'll fucking kill you with me hands, do you understand?" " Understand?" " Sorry." " Sorry, love." " Right." "As I said, I'd like to welcome you all to the wedding of Frances Lorraine Jenkins and Richard James Woodford." "This is a union between... 2 to 1?" "!" "I'll give you fucking 2 to 1." "Hello?" "Hello!" "We're closed, love, sorry." "Are you OK?" "No, not really, no." "Listen, I know I'm late, but {please }can I come in and be seen?" "My mum's gonna go spare with me if I don't." "I'm sorry, love." "Everyone's left." "Can you not see me quick?" "Please?" "I can take your name and number and get someone to call you in the morning." "No, it's fine." "Maybe this is just God's way of telling me to sign on, eh?" "Come back in the morning." "Someone will see you tomorrow." "Thanks for nothing!" "It is an agreement that is exclusive of all others..." " Go check on Megs." " He's having a shit." "I know, but mad arse over here thinks something else." "Please go and just check on him." "Come on, mate  why they may not be legally married, may they speak now or forever hold their peace." "Just go and bloody check on him." "Fuck..." "Don't..." "Sorry again." "Meggy, they're saying "I do"." "Will you hurry up, please?" "If you could turn to face each other, we'll do the vows." "Do you, Frances Lorraine Jenkins, take Richard James Woodford to be your lawful wedded husband?" "I do." "And do you, Richard James Woodford, take Frances Lorraine Jenkins to be your lawful wedded wife?" "Go on, son." "Woody, this isn't funny." "We've got a great big fucking problem." "I'm dead sorry, but Meggy..." " What?" " I think he's had a heart attack." "I'm sorry." "Banj, get the door!" "Watch out!" "You'll be OK." "It's OK, son." "It's all right..." " Where's that fucking ambulance?" " Come on, you fucker!" "Jesus!" "What's happened to you?" "I had an accident with a lava lamp." "It's Shaun, isn't it?" "Cynth's lad?" "I'm Lol's mum." "Remember I wore that gold blouse to your mum's 40th?" "Get in before you bleed to death." "You all right?" "This is Mick." "Hi, Mick." "Nice wheels." "Mind the seats." "Enough yapping.{We've} Got a life to save." "Get to the bloody hospital." "Come on." "Oh, look at how ill he is." " Shut the fuck up, Woody." " What is your deal today?" "Do you know Meggy's not well?" "Your timing's shit!" "Are you for real?" "'Course I'm for real." "I'm just saying it's fucking bad timing." "I can't sign bloody registers and have me photo taken..." " Cut the crap, Woody!" " What?" "!" "You had about two hours to say "I do" before Harv bust in." "What did you invite my mum and dad for?" "What the fuck has that got to do with it?" "It's just a reminder of what we could end up being." "It wouldn't actually be that bad because I'd have a ring on my finger." "Fucking hell." "I love you, you know." "Lol, I love you." "I fucking love you, all right?" "Well, if you were that scared, then..." " you should have {ucking }said something." " Did you see him?" "Look at him?" "They {used to }called him the fucking Ripper." "He were a wild man." "They stuck a ring on his finger and he ended up wearing a{ bloody }suit and tie all week and a jumper at weekends." "That's why we became skinheads, innit?" "I don't want to be like that, Lol." "I knew it was what you wanted." "I'll give you whatever you want." "And then today I just..." "it got too much." "Woody, nobody wants what I've just had, fucking trust me." "Sweetheart, look." "Listen to me." "The timing has been fucking useless." "I know that it's been useless, but I love..." "Oh, my God!" "Did I want your dad?" "Did I?" "I wanted you." "And fuck you for not noticing that." "I'm sorry." "You know what?" "And for the record, you started turning into your dad since you got that promotion." "I am still a fucking skinhead at heart." "Marriage isn't the problem here, Woody, you are." "Fuck me!" "Which one of you is Banjo?" " That's me{, Doctor}." "Is he all right?" " D'you want to follow me?" "Is he all right?" "Can we all come and see him?" " Family only, I'm afraid." " Yeah, right, like Banjo's his..." " He said he was his brother." " We're all brothers{, Doc}." "We're all family." "We're all his family." "Here he is, my man!" " How are you doing, my man?" " He's still very sick, so..." "Please!" "Now, he's very sick." "Some of you are gonna have to wait outside." "Oh, come on, mate." " We're all family." " I don't care." "Please let them stay." "We've got the same last name." " Just take it easy with him, please." " We will." " Thank you." " Cheers, mate." "We've got a wedding reception to celebrate, haven't we?" "There's been a bit of a bloody hitch there, Meg." "Right, left a bit, Gadge." "Right a bit, Gadge." ""Left a bit, Gadge." Make your mind up, mate." "{Listen, Ronnie Biggs, i}If you'd not fucked up in {he} first place, we wouldn't be in this mess, huh?" "Mate, you try making cans look like flab, mate." "It's not the same thing." "Left a bit." "Are you all right?" "No, I'm not." " Do you think she'll ever forgive me?" " I don't know." "She's had a crap life{, mate}." "She doesn't really deserve that." " Fuck!" "You're dropping them!" " Sorry, sorry!" "You're not sorry if you keep throwing them, are you?" "You claim you're sorry." "Shaun, fucking hell." "Who's that wi' him?" "I wondered where you'd got to." "How did you find me up here?" "You know me, Lol, I can always sniff you out." "You remember when we were kids?" "He will be OK." "I don't know, we just have to..." " adjust the marriage settings on him." " It's been eight years, Milky." "I know it's been eight years, Lol, but he does love you." "You remember when we were kids?" "You two used to take it in turns to take me on dates down the swimming baths." "One week Woody, one week you." "It was frigging expensive." "That's why I could only afford once a fortnight." "Then to top it off, you used to make us buy you crisps on the way out." "And a Wham bar and a Panda Pop if I'd got a thirst on." "You always were the princess to please." "He liked smoky bacon, you liked cheese and onion." "Still do." "At times I think I picked the wrong crisp buyer." "Look, Lol, we'd probably better get back in." "He's not going to hurt you again." "I promise you that." "All I'm saying is we get this thing right and it'll be fun, yeah?" "We get it wrong and the fun stops." " Gadget, it's wheelchair racing." " Yeah, I know{ it's just wheelchair racing, Kel, yeah}." "I understand this, but we need to set some guidelines." "We need to set some rules up." " Chill out a minute, mate." " Three, two, one, Rasferino!" "What the fuck?" "Stop it!" "Go on." "All right, duck?" "Oh, your wheel!" "Who do you think...?" "Are you all right?" "Fucking hell." "Yes, I'm all right." "Get off." "Mum?" "Hi, Kel." "What the hell are you doing here?" "And, er, it had like..." "Hello, stranger." "I'll leave you two to it." " Am I all right to be in here?" " It's fine." "Smell, what...?" " What are you wearing?" " Oh, my dress." "I made it earlier." "It's Lol's wedding." "We're here, though, because we thought Meggy had shat himself, but he's had a heart attack." "Meggy had a heart attack?" "Is he all right?" "God!" "How come you stopped hanging around with us, Shauno?" " It's been three years." " I don't know." "Well, I do know." "Everything that happened, you know, with Combo and Milky, it kind of, you know, with me being there and everything, it felt part..." "I felt a bit like it was my fault." "But it wasn't your fault." "Well, I thought it was." "It wasn't your fault, Shaun." "You couldn't have done anything more." "You got Milky to the hospital." "You were just a baby." "Yeah, but if I was man enough, then, I wouldn't have been so stupid to believe everything that Combo said... and..." "You know what my gran used to say?" "Get back on the horse before it turns to glue." " I've missed you, you know." " I missed you as well." "I've really missed you." "Don't you follow me with your guilt shit!" " Come on now." " I can't even talk to you." " Course you can." "Don't be like this." " It's your daughter's wedding day." "Yes, I know." " So where have you been?" " Something came up, all right?" "You've been with him, haven't you?" "I don't want everyone listening to our business, if you don't mind." "Don't mind me." "I'll probably be dead in the morning." " You don't even give a shit." " Of course I do." " Don't speak to me like that, either." " "Don't speak{ to me } like that"?" "You didn't even turn up on your daughter's wedding day." "Meggy's not well here." "Have a little bit of respect, yeah?" "He's been told to take it easy, so take your argument outside." " Yeah, we will." " Now!" " Kelly!" " Don't even shout at me." "I can{ bloody} hear you down the {rigging }corridor." "Nice of you to {ucking }turn up, isn't it?" " Oh, don't you bloody start..." " Where the fuck have you been?" "I'm sorry, love." "I just got caught up." "Oh really?" "Fucking..." "Just, come on..." "It's not like she's missed owt, is it?" " You can shut the fuck up an' all!" " Wedding never happened?" "{You know what?" "}This was meant to be the best day of my fucking life." "Turned her down, Mum, at the altar." " You're not married?" " Do I look married?" "You don't look like a bride." "Nice outfit!" " Don't." "Why do you have to...?" " Well, come on..." "Why {*come out with }say something like that?" "What the fuck are you wearing?" " So you're not getting married, then?" " Like you care!" "You're still moving in together though{, yeah}?" "I need {There's things I want to do with }that room." " What's that supposed to mean?" " Lol, calm down, will you, please?" "Me and you are still going to move in together." " Oh, are we now?" " I want to look after you, Lol." "Please!" "It's not that simple." "Of course it is." "Lol, I want you to live with me and to look after you." "Yeah, go on, Lol, move in with him." "Complicated becomes simple if you give it long enough." "Trust a lady who's lived it." " I need to think about it." " You think as long as you want." "Look at me." "Look at me, Lol," "I bloody love you more than anything." "Nowt'll ever change that." "All right." "Just give me a fag." "Ta." "I'd like to make a toast." "No, no, but seriously, even though you never technically got married today, this is still a wedding reception." "And no-one's made a best man's speech yet." "So I'd like to say..." "Meg, you weren't best man, love." "But I nearly died," " so that's as good as." " All right." "I'd just like to say that, as I was walking down this long, white corridor" "recounting my life's very many achievements..." "Many achievements?" "!" "It were a fucking short tunnel." "... I thought..." "Well, I thought  I love you all." "Nice, Megs." "Cheers, Megs." "Nice one, Megs." "I'd like to make a toast to..." "to us, even though I haven't got a glass to raise." " Use your piss bag." " Yeah!" "He'll do it." "It's just Meggy's piss, man." "I'd like to raise a toast to all of us." "To us!" " He's alive!" " Well done for not dying." "No, no, no!" "I just..." "Thanks for the lift and that, mate."