"That's right." "New York." "It's 1958." "Anyway, for a few more minutes it is." "Come midnight, it's going to be 1959." "A whole other feeling." "The New Year." "The future." "Old Daddy Earth fixing to start one more trip around the sun." "Everybody hoping this ride round be a little more giddy a little more gay." "All over town, champagne corks is a-popping." "Over in the Waldorf, the big shots is dancing to the strains of Guy Lombardo." "In Times Square, the little folks is watching and waiting for that big ball to drop." "They're all trying to catch hold of one moment of time to be able to say:" ""Right now!" "This is it!" ""I got it!"" "Of course, by then it'll be past." "But they're all happy everybody having a good time." "Well, almost everybody." "There's a few lost souls floating around out there." "Now, if y'all ain't from the city we got something here called "the rat race."" "Got a way of chewing folks up so that they don't want no celebrating don't want no cheering up." "Don't care nothing about no New Year's." "Out of hope out of rope out of time." "This here is Norville Barnes." "That office he's stepping out of is the office of the president of Hudsucker Industries." "That's his office." "How'd he get so high?" "And why's he feeling so low?" "Is he really going to do it?" "Is Norville really going to jelly up the sidewalk?" "Well, the future that's something you can never tell about." "But the past that's another story." "So in the third quarter we saw no signs of weakening." "We're up 18% over last year's third-quarter gross and that, needless to say, is a new record." "Our competition continues to flag and we continue to take up the slack." "Market shares in most divisions is increasing and we have opened seven new regional offices." "Our international division is also showing vigorous signs of upward movement for the last six months and we're looking at some exciting things in RD." "Sub-franchising." "Don't talk to me about sub-franchising." "We're making so much money in sub-franchising it isn't even funny." "Our nominees and assigns continue to multiply and expand extending our influence nationally and abroad." "Our owned and operateds are performing far beyond our expectations both here and abroad." "And the Federal Tax Act of 1958 is giving us a swell write-off on our plant and heavies." "And our last debenture issue was this year's fastest seller." "So, third quarter and year-to-date we have set a new record in sales, a new record in gross a new record in pre-tax earnings a new record in after-tax profits and our stock has split twice in the past year." "In short we're loaded." "Mr. Hudsucker?" "It's a pity to waste a whole Monte Cristo." "He could've opened the window." "Waring Hudsucker never did anything the easy way." "Why?" "Why did he do it?" "Everything was going so well." "What am I, a headshrinker?" "Maybe the man was unhappy." "He didn't look unhappy." " He didn't look rich." " He was never an easy man to figure out." "He built this company with his bare hands." "Every step he took was a step up except, of course, this last one." "He was a swell fella but when the president, chairman and owner of 87% of the stock drops 44 floors" "45." "Counting the mezzanine." "Then the company, too, has a problem." "Stillson!" "What exactly is the disposition of Waring's stock?" "As you know Hud left no will and no family." "The company bylaws are quite clear in that event." ""His entire portfolio will be converted into common stock..." ""...and will be sold over the counter as of the first of the fiscal year..." " "...following his demise."" " Meaning?" "Meaning simply that Waring's stock and control of the company will be made available to the public January 1st." "Do you mean to say that any slob in a smelly T-shirt will be able to buy Hudsucker stock?" "The company bylaws are quite clear." "My God!" "You're animals!" "How can you discuss his stock when the man has just leapt 45 floors?" "44." "Not counting the mezzanine." "Quit showboating." "The man is gone." "The question now is whether we'll let John Q. Public waltz in here and buy our company." "What are you suggesting?" "Certainly we can't afford to buy a controlling interest." "Not while the stock is this strong." "How soon before Hud's paper hits the market?" "January 1st." " Thirty days." " Four weeks." " A month at the most." " One month to make the blue-chip investment of the century look like a round-trip ticket on the Titanic." "We play up the fact that Hud is dead." "Long live the Hud!" "We depress the stock." " To the point where we can buy 50%." " 51%." "Not counting the mezzanine." "It could work." " It should work." " It would work." "It's working already." "Waring Hudsucker is abstract art on Madison Avenue." "What we need now is a new president who will inspire panic in the stockholder." " A puppet!" " A proxy!" "A pawn!" "Some jerk we can really push around." "You punch in at 8:30 every a.m., at 7:30 a.m. following a business holiday unless it's a Monday, then it's 8:00." " Punch in late and they dock you." " This goes to seven!" "Urgent." "Incoming articles get a voucher." "Outgoing articles provide a voucher." "Move any article without a voucher, they dock you!" "Take this up to the secretarial pool on three!" "ASAP!" "Letter-size, a green voucher!" "Folder-size, a yellow voucher!" "Parcel-size, a maroon voucher!" "This is for Morgatross!" "Chop-chop!" "Wrong color voucher and they dock you!" "6-7-8-7-0-4-9-Alpha-6!" "That is your employee number!" "It will not be repeated!" "Without it, you can't cash your paycheck." "All right!" "This goes up to 27!" "Return a waiver!" "Do not return without a signed waiver!" "Inter-office mail is code 37!" "Intra-office mail is 37-3." "Outside mail is 3-37." "Code it wrong and they dock you!" "I was supposed to have this on 28 ten minutes ago!" "This has been your orientation." "Is there anything you do not understand?" "If you have not been fully orientated, you must file a complaint!" "File a faulty complaint, and they dock you!" "Kloppitt." "Kloppitt, Kloppitt, Kloppitt, Kloppitt...." "Max Kloppitt." ""Max Kloppitt, Jr."" "What do you do when the envelope is too big for the slot?" "If you fold them, they fire you." "I usually throw them out." "Just got hired today." "Terrific." "Entry level." "But I got big ideas." "I'm sure you do." "For instance look at this sweet baby." "I developed it myself." "Yes, sirree, this is my ticket upstairs." "You know, for kids." "Terrific." "So, you see." "I won't be working in the mail room long." "No, I don't guess you will be." "How long've you been here?" "Forty-eight years." "Next year they move me up to parcels if I'm lucky." "Attention Hudsucker employees:" "We regretfully announce that at 30 seconds after the hour of noon Hudsucker time Waring Hudsucker, Founder, President and Chairman of the Board of Hudsucker Industries merged with the infinite." "To mark this occasion of corporate loss we ask that all employees observe a moment of silent contemplation." "Thank you for your kind attention." "This moment has been duly noted on your timecards and will be deducted from your pay." "That is all." "Blue letter!" "Blue letter!" "They're bringing a blue letter!" "It's a blue letter." "Top, top level." "Confidential communication between the brass." "Usually bad news." "They hate blue letters upstairs." "Hate them." "You!" "Yeah, you!" "Barnes!" "You don't look busy!" "Think you can handle a blue letter?" "This letter was sent this morning by the big man himself, Waring Hudsucker!" "It's addressed to Sid Mussburger, Hudsucker's right-hand man!" "It's a blue letter!" "That means you got to put it right in Mussburger's hands." "No secretaries!" "No receptionists!" "No colleagues!" "No excuses!" "Mussburger!" "Hi!" "My name's Buzz, I got the fuzz, I make the elevator do what she does." "Hang it up to dry." " What's your pleasure?" " Forty-four." "Forty-four, the top-brass floor." "Say, buddy what takes 50 years to get to the top floor and 30 seconds to get down?" "Waring Hudsucker!" "You get it, buddy?" "Say, buddy!" "Mr. Kline, up to nine." "Mrs. Dell, Personnel." " Mr. Levin, 37." " Thirty-six." "Walk down!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please step to the rear." "Here comes the gargantuan Mr. Grier." "Buddy, who's the most liquid businessman on the street?" "Waring Hudsucker." "When is the sidewalk fully dressed?" "When it's wearing Hudsucker!" "You get it?" "It's a pun, a knee-slapper, a play on Jesus, Joseph and Mary...." "Is that a blue letter?" "Why didn't you tell a guy?" "Hold on, folks, we're express to the top floor!" "Good luck, buddy." "You'll need it." "Mr. Mussburger's office?" "Hello." "Do you have an appointment?" "Shall we look in the book?" " We don't seem to be in the book." " I wouldn't be." "If we had an appointment, we'd be in the book." "I have this...." "Oh, here it is." "Gambotz?" "Harry Gambotz?" "No, too risky." "He's green but he's not slow." "Who is he?" "No, I want an imbecile, not a cipher, or you'd have the job." "They moved him to grommets and O-rings." "He's doing pretty well." "No, not McClanahan." "He bungled the Teleyard merger so he's got something to prove." "Who let you in?" "Atwater?" "Tremendous." "Except I just fired him last week." "Mr. Mussburger Mr. Bumstead's waiting downstairs." " I'll be right there." " Yes, Mr. Mussburger." "Spit it out!" "Maybe you're the company's biggest moron." "We can't use Morris." "Been here too long." "He's a nice guy with too many friends." "In fact, why don't you fire him?" "Scratch that, I'll fire him." "Make it fast." "Fast!" "Mr. Bumstead is growing restless." "Tell him I'll be right there." "Give him a magazine." "What are you, a mute?" "How's the stock?" "Bad?" "Well, it's not bad enough." "Listen, chump." "Either you find me a ding-dong or tender your key to the executive washroom." "That goes double for you, pal." "Earclay?" "Oodgay!" "This better be good." "I'm in a bad mood." "Sir, I've got something for you from the mail room, but first if I could take a minute of your very valuable time to show you something I've been working on for the past two or three years." "You know, for kids." "It's perfect for Hudsucker, not that I'm any great genius." "They say inspiration is 99% perspiration and in my case it's at least twice that..." " ...but I've got to tell you, sir" " Wait a minute!" "Sit down, son." "Go ahead." "Try it on." "Put your feet up." "Go ahead." "Let's get to know one another, shall we?" "Let's chat man-to-man." "You're from the basement, aren't you?" "And weren't blessed with much education?" "Well, I am a college graduate." "But you did not excel in your studies." "Well, I made the dean's list at the Muncie College of Business Administration." "And your friends called you "jerk," didn't they?" ""Dope?"" ""Dipstick?"" ""Lamebrain?" "Schmo?"" "Not even behind your back?" "They voted me "Most Likely to Succeed."" "You're fired." "Get your feet off my desk, get out of my office." "Leave your apron in the locker room." "Oh, my God!" "The Bumstead contracts." "I've been working on that deal for four years!" "Get out of here!" "I'll take care of it!" "You could have destroyed the most sensitive document of my career." "Mr. Bumstead is threatening to leave." "I'm on my way down." "We need the first page of the contract retyped with copies going to Legal." "Yes, Mr. Mussburger." "Out!" "Out of the office!" "Down three points?" "That's encouraging." "How about New York?" "Not that way, through the door!" "It'll take three hours to retype the Bumstead contracts." "Where are you going?" "Get out!" "Stop that!" "Mr. Bumstead's threatening to leave." "Not the whole contract, just the first page." "I'll be there." "Give him another magazine." " He says he'll leave." " I said I'll be there!" "Up on your feet!" "We don't crawl here at Hudsucker Industries!" " My leg is on fire!" " No assumptions!" "It's early yet." "Just let me know where we stand at the closing bell." "Oh, my God, the Bumstead contracts!" "No magazines!" "No coffee!" "Mussburger!" "I want to see Mussburger!" "Or did he jump out a window too?" "Don't worry, Mr. Mussburger, I got you!" "I got you by your pants." "Pants?" "Mr. Mussburger, I'm gonna give your pants a nice double stitch." "It'll make them real strong and you're going to look real sharp." "No." "Single stitch is fine." "But the double stitch lasts forever." "Why on earth would I want a double stitch?" "To pad your account." "Single stitch is fine." "Damn!" "What the heck!" "Mr. Mussburger is such a nice man I'm going to give him a double stitch anyway." "That's some strong stitch, you bet!" ""The Einstein of Enterprise."" ""The Edison of Industry."" ""The Billion-Dollar Cranium!"" ""Idea Man!"" "And not one of you has given me a story on him!" "Bunch of lamebrains!" "Facts, figures, charts." "They never sold a newspaper!" "I read this morning's Argus and let me tell you something:" "I'd wrap a fish in it!" "I'd use it as kindling!" "I'd train my poodle on it if he wasn't a French poodle and partial to Paris Soir." "But I wouldn't pay a nickel to read the thing!" "Come on, Chief, give us a break." "Sure, Tibbs." "Take a break." "Go to Florida." "Lie in the sun." "Wait for a coconut to drop." "File a story on it." "It'd be more of a grabber than your piece on the county grain surplus!" "The human angle!" "That's what sells papers!" "We need a front page with a heart and the Idea Man can put it there!" "If we had more access" "If a frog had wings it wouldn't bump it's ass hopping." "I don't want excuses, I want results!" "What makes the Idea Man tick?" "Where's he from?" "I want to know everything about him!" "Has he got a girl?" "Has he got parents?" "Everybody has parents." "All right, how many?" "How about it, Parkinson?" "You've been awfully quiet." "Still waters run deep." "Only thing deep with Parkinson are the holes in his ears." "Yes!" "Idea Man!" "What are his hopes and dreams, his desires and aspirations?" "Does he think all the time or a certain portion of the day?" "How tall is he?" "Where does he sleep?" "What does he have for breakfast?" "Does he put jam on his toast or doesn't he?" "If not, why not and since when?" "Well?" "You're useless." "Yes." "Idea Man." ""Creator."" ""Innovator."" ""Cerebrator."" "Fake!" "I tell you, the guy's a phony." " Phony?" " As a $3 bill." " Says who?" " Says me, Amy Archer!" "Why is he an Idea Man?" "Because Hudsucker says so?" "What are his ideas?" "Why can't anyone interview him?" "Five bucks says she mentions her Pulitzer." "Again?" "You're on." "Look at the mug on this guy." "The jutting eyebrows, the simian forehead, the idiotic grin." "He has a face only a mother could love on payday." "The only story here is how this guy made a monkey out of you." "Like it or not, I'm still editor of this rag." "I thought you were writing, "J. Edgar Hoover:" "When Will He Marry?"" " I filed it yesterday." "Nice tie, Earl." " Well, do a follow-up." ""Hoover:" "Crimebuster or Pantywaist?"" "The rest of you mugs get some brains and get me that Idea Man story!" "He's the bunk." "I'll stake my Pulitzer on it!" "Say, buddy, where'd you get the new duds?" "Say, buddy, how did Old Bucketbutt like his blue letter?" "Did he bust a gut?" "Did he die?" "Well, hello, Mr. Mussburger." "Lobby, we haven't got all day." "Right away, Mr. Mussburger." "How're you this fine morning, sir?" "It's been a pleasure serving you today, sir." "It's been a pleasure serving you too, buddy." "Shouldn't we be a little concerned with the downward spiral of our stock these past few days?" "You're the expert, but at the Muncie College of Business" "Relax, it's only natural in a period of transition for the more timid element to run for cover." "Like I said, you're the expert but do you remember the plan I outlined the day I set fire to your...." "The day I was promoted?" "I do remember and I was impressed." "But that's all forgotten now." "Thank you, Sid." "The reason I mention it is it requires such a small capital investment...." " There's a huge potential profit..." " Damn it, where's my car?" "...given the demographics boom of the burgeoning middle-class." "So if you agree, I'd like to bounce the idea off a few people at lunch." "Sure." "Tell whoever you want." "I'd like to hear about it at some point too." "I got gas, Benny." "Tell me about it." "No kidding, Benny." "I got gas." "You get the special?" "Far from it." "Enter the dame." "There's one in every story." "Ten bucks says she's looking for a handout." "Twenty bucks says not here, she don't find one." "She's looking for her mark." "She finds him." "She sits down and orders a light lunch." "How will she pay for this lunch?" "She looks through her purse." "No money." "The mark notices." "He's not noticing, Benny." "Maybe he's wise." "He don't look wise." "Plan two." "Here come the waterworks." " Yellowstone." " Old Faithful." "Hello, Niagara." "He notices." "She's distressed." "He's concerned." "She explains her predicament." "And...." "Enter the light lunch." "She's got other problems, of course." "There's illness in the family." " Her mother needs an operation." " Urgently." " Adenoids." " No, Benny." "Lumbago." "That gag's got whiskers on it." "He ain't biting, Benny." " She's losing him, Lou." " Maybe he's wise." "He don't look wise." " How does she pull this out?" " He's getting away." "She better think fast." "She isn't." "She is!" "She's good, Benny." "She's damn good, Lou." "Can I get you boys anything else?" "Bromo." "Bromo." "I'm sorry we had to take the stairs." "It was just that horrible elevator boy!" "I can't say how much I appreciate your listening to my story." "I'm lucky to find someone in this bustling city with a stout heart and a ready ear." "There I was, travelling through this great country." "Some I met were kind to me, others exceedingly cruel." "Traveling by motor bus, rail, even by thumb...." "The couch, please." "Hoarding every dollar, counting every nickel, pinching every penny." "It's been a long road leading to the coffee shop downstairs." "Not that I'd trade a day, an hour, a moment of it for anything." "I don't know what came over me." "I guess it was the shock of eating after so long without the enzymes kicking in after so long...." "Then you couldn't possibly know what it is to be tired and hungry." "Hungry, anyway." "I don't want to bore you with details of my life." "It's not happy." "Suffice to say I'm jobless, but not for want of trying." "I'm friendless, with no one to take care of me and had you not come along..." " ...exactly when you did...." " I, myself" "I arrived in town not ten days ago full of dreams, anxious to make my way in the world a little naive perhaps, but armed with determination a solid work ethic, and an indomitable belief in the future..." " I, myself-  ...only to have that belief that unsullied optimism, dashed against the marble of the workplace." "Such is life." "Seek and ye shall find." "Work and ye shall prosper." " Cigarette?" " No, thank you." "Seek and ye shall find, work and ye shall prosper." "These were the watchwords, the ethos of my education the values instilled in me while I was growing up in a town you've probably never heard of." " Mind if I join you?" " Be my guest." "A town you've probably never heard of a dusty crossroads of which you've probably never heard." "Excuse me." "Executive washroom." "Are you all right?" "Is it your lunch?" "The chicken a la king?" "Is the a la king repeating on you?" "No, I'm fine." "You were saying?" "Values, watchwords, tender years." "A little town you've probably never heard of:" "Muncie, Indiana." "You're from Muncie?" "Why, yes." "Do you know it?" ""Fight on Fight on, dear old Muncie" ""Fight on Hoist the gold and blue" ""You'll be tattered, torn and hurting" ""Once the Munce is done with..." ""...you." ""Go..." ""Go..." ""..." "Eagles!" "A Muncie girl!" "What do you know about that?" "I'm going to cancel the rest of my appointments for today and get you a job right here at Hud." "Oh, no!" "Really" "Don't bother to thank me." "It's easy." "I know where a vacancy just came up." "Mailroom." "Good afternoon, this is Norville Barnes." "Barnes!" "Where the hell have you been?" "Where's my voucher?" "I'm not sure." "I need that voucher!" "I told you a week ago it was important!" "I'm president of the company now." "I don't care if you're president of the company!" "I need the voucher now!" "Why don't you work in here with me?" "Are you familiar with the mimeograph machine?" "Well, of course." "I went to the Muncie Secretarial Polytechnic." "A Muncie girl!" "Can you beat that?" "I just don't know how to thank you, Mr. Barnes." "Please, Norville." "Go, Eagles!" "Go, Eagles!" ""Once the Munce...."" "Holy moly!" "Is this guy from Chumpsville?" "I even pulled the old mother routine." "Adenoids?" "Lumbago." "That gag's got whiskers on it." "I'm telling you, the Hudsucker Board's up to something." "What's a six-letter word for an affliction of the hypothalamus?" "It's a cinch." "Goiter." "It's a cinch this guy isn't in on it." "She's right here." "How much time to make the late final?" "Hi, Chief, just the person I wanted to apologize to." "About seven minutes." "I was all wet about your Idea Man." "Well, thanks for being so generous." "It is human and you are divine." "No, he's no faker." "He's a 100% real McCoy, beware of imitations, genuine article." "The guy's a real moron, as in a five-letter word for imbecile." "As pure a specimen as I've ever run across." "If I'm not an expert then my name isn't Amy Archer and I never won the Pulitzer." "In 1957." "My series on the reunited triplets." "Come down here, hammerhead, and I'll show it to you!" "What's a three-letter word for a flightless bird?" "Not now, I'm busy." "I said, "hammerhead" as in a ten-letter word for a smug, bullying newspaper man." "Gnu." "That's G-N-U." "Couldn't find the Empire State Building with a compass, map and a guide." "Or emu?" "That's just potatoes." "Here's the gravy." "The chump really liked me." " A Muncie girl!" " Better off falling for a rattlesnake." "This guy's just a patsy and I'm gonna find out what for." "There's a real story here, some kind of plot, set-up...." "Did I tell you?" " He didn't offer you money?" " A sawbuck!" "Ten smackers!" "Let's grab a highball!" "On Norville Barnes." "Copy!" "Miss Smith, would you come in and take a letter?" "Of all the cockamamie...." "Did you see the front page of today's Manhattan Argus?" "I didn't bother to read the article." "I didn't think the picture did you justice." "The picture's fine." "It's what that knuckle-headed dame wrote underneath." "Take this down." "Dear Miss Archer:" "I call you "Miss" because you seem to have missed the boat completely." "How would you know if I'm an imbecile when you didn't have the guts to interview me man-to-man!" "Change "man-to-man" to "face-to-face."" "No, change "face-to-face" to "eye-to-eye" and "guts" to "common decency."" "These wild speculations about my intelligence these preposterous inventions would be better suited for the pages of Amazing Tales Magazine." "If the editors of the Manhattan Argus see fit to publish the work of a disordered mind, perhaps they will see fit to publish this." "But I doubt it." "I most seriously doubt it." "I doubt also you could find a home at Amazing Tales a periodical which I have enjoyed for many years." "Sincerely et cetera." "Is that all, Mr. Barnes?" "You know me, Amy, better than this dame." "Do you think I'm an imbecile?" "Well, I'm sure I...." "Tell the truth." "I trust you." "I place a lot of stock in your opinion." "Oh, sure, you're biased." "You're a fellow Muncian." "But let me ask you a question:" "Would an imbecile come up with this?" "I designed it myself." "This sweet baby will put Hudsucker right back on top." "You know, for kids." "Why don't I just type this up?" "That won't be necessary." "I shouldn't send it." "She's just doing her job, I guess." "I don't know, maybe she does deserve it." "Maybe she should have come in here and faced you man-to-man." " She probably had a deadline." " She still could've gotten your side for the record." "It's done now." "What's the use of grousing about it?" "Forget the letter, I just had to blow off steam." "She's probably just a little confused." ""Confused?"" "Probably a fast-talking career gal, thinks she's one of the boys." "Probably is, if you know what I mean." "I'm quite sure I don't know what you mean." "Probably suffers from one of these complexes they have nowadays." "It's obvious." "She's probably very unattractive and bitter about it." "Is that it?" "She probably dresses in men's clothing, drinks with the guys at the local bar hobnobs with some smooth-talking heel reporter named Biff or Smoocher or" "Smitty." "Exactly." "I bet she's ugly, real ugly." "Otherwise, why isn't her picture next to her byline?" "Maybe she puts her work ahead of her personal appearance." "I bet that's what she tells herself." "But you and I know she's a dried-up, bitter old maid." "How about we grab a little dinner and a show after work?" "I was thinking maybe The King and I?" "How about Oklahoma?" "You don't know a thing about that woman!" "You don't know who she really is!" "Only a numbskull thinks he knows things about things he knows nothing about." "Say, what gives?" "The inventory of the Jacksonville facility should be reduced by 15%." "Memo from the desk of Sidney J. Mussburger" "What are you doing, Miss Archer?" "Who are you?" "How did you know who I am?" "I suspect Old Moses knows just about everything leastways if it concerns Hudsucker." "Who are you?" "What do you do here?" "I keep the old circle turning." "This old clock needs plenty of care." "Time is money, Miss Archer." "Money drives that old global economy and keeps Big Daddy Earth spinning around." "See, without that capital formation" "You won't tell anyone about me, will you?" "I don't tell no one nothing unless they ask." "That just ain't Old Moses' way." "If you know everything about Hudsucker tell me why the board decided to make Norville Barnes president?" "That even surprised Old Moses at first." "I didn't think the board was that smart." ""That smart?"" "But then I figured it out." "They did it because they figured young Norville for an imbecile, like some other people I know." "Why on earth would the board want a nitwit to be president?" "Because they're little piglets." "They're trying to inspire panic make that stock cheap so they can snatch it all up for themselves." "But Norville's got some tricks up his sleeve." "He does." ""You know, for kids?"" "Yeah, he's a smart one, that Norville." "But I guess you don't really know him any better than that board does, do you?" "Maybe I" "And only some kind of knuckle-head thinks she knows things about things...." "When she don't...." "How'd that go?" "Well, it's hardly the same." "You don't even know your own self." "You ain't exactly the genuine article, are you, Miss Archer?" "In connection with my job, sometimes I have to go undercover, as it were." "I don't mean that." "Why are you pretending to be such a hard old sourpuss?" "Ain't going to never make you happy!" "I'm happy enough." "I got gears to see to." "I'm plenty happy!" "I can't print that!" "Why not?" "It's true." "The board's using him to depress the stock and buy it cheap." "It's pure speculation!" "They'd have my butt in a satchel!" "They'll buy that stock" "You don't know anything." "They haven't bought it." "What are they waiting for?" "I don't know." "Amy's hunches are usually pretty good." "You don't accuse somebody of stock manipulation on a hunch!" "Our readers aren't interested in sensationalism, gossip unsupported speculation!" "Facts!" "Figures!" "Those are the tools of the newspaper trade." "It's as if you're trying to take the heat off him." "Like you've gone soft on him." "Come on, Chief." "That's a low blow." "Archer's not going to go gooey for a corn-fed idiot." "I was out of line." "But you're out of line with this stock-swindle story." "Give me more of that "moron from Sheboygan" stuff." " Muncie." " Whatever." "That's what sells newspapers!" "I've got a harder story:" ""The Sap From The City Desk!"" " Watch it!" " It's about a dim-witted editor who" "Easy, tough guy." "Does this suit look mannish to you?" "Yeah, sure." "Let's grab a highball." "Back off!" "Smoocher!" "What gives?" "A man of great managerial potency." "My husband is also a president." "Sears Braithwaite of Bullard." "Do you know him?" "Your companion is an ode!" "A lyric!" "Are you betrothed?" "Amy works in my office." "She runs" "Oh, the folly of youth!" "Those green remembered hills!" "That bourn from which no traveler returns." "I once ran the mimeograph for Sidney." "Though engaged at the time to quelqu'un d'autre my water-cooler romance became a mad passion." "Un amour fou." "Une folie a deux." "I'm brushing up on my French with the most charming man..." " ..." "Pierre of 5th Avenue." "Do you know him?" " Do you know him?" "Sidney and I are planning a trip to Paris and points continental." "Aren't we, dear?" "Sure." "I'd like to borrow Norville for a while, if you don't mind." "Well, frankly, I...." "You have a very charming wife, Mr...." "Sid." "So they tell me." "Let me shepherd you through some of the introductions here." "Try not to talk too much." "Some of our biggest stockholders are...." "Scratch that." "Say whatever you like." "Shake hands with Sears Braithwaite of Bullard." "Glad to know you, Barnes." "This is Zebulon Cardozo one of Hudsucker's largest and most loyal stockholders." "What's this I hear about you being an imbecile?" "What's ailing you, boy?" "Last week, my stock was worth twice what it is now." "I think I'll sell the whole kit and caboodle, boy, unless I see a vast improvement." "What you've got here, son, is a range war!" "You gonna have to circle our wagons or I'm gonna get out of your wagon train." "No need for concern, sir." "It's only natural in a period of transition for the more timid elements to run for cover." "Yellow?" "I'll show you yellow, boy!" "You mind now and quit acting like such an old grizzly." "Step lively here, Norville." "I'm sorry, I thought maybe if I showed him the long view" "And this is Thorstensen Finlandson who heads a radical, splinter group of disgruntled investors." "Pleased to meet you." "It might interest you to know I studied a little Finnish in high school." "I hope I'm not too rusty." "Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished members of the Hudsucker Board I give you the Rajah of Romance, the Ministereo of Moonlight the incredible, the unforgettable Mr. Vic Tenetta!" ""Rajah." I like that." "What happened?" "Nothing." "Just the more timid investors are no longer running for cover." "Let me look." "Sid found me the ice pack." "Let me hold it or you'll have a real shiner." "I guess people are pretty hot over this imbecile story." "I'm sorry." "It's not your fault." "You've the one person standing by me through all this." "Norville, there's something I have to tell you." "You see I'm not really a secretary." "I know that, Amy." "You do?" "I understand you're not very skilled yet in the secretarial arts but I'll tell you a secret:" "I'm not that skilled as president." " I know I put up a big front, but" " I believe in you, Norville." "At least I believe in your intentions." "I don't blame them, really." "I suppose I have made a mess of things." "Those folks have to protect their investment." "Most of them are very nice people." "Listen, you can't trust people here like you did in Muncie." "Certain people are" "Did you ever go to the top of Larson's feed tower and look out over the town?" "On Farm Route 17?" "Oh, yes, in Muncie." "No, Vidalia." "Farm Route 17." "Seventeen." "Yes, I...." "Well, no, no." "I never really" "The guys from the Varsity Squad would bring their dates up there to hold hands." "Of course, I never made Varsity." "There's a place I go now." "Cutest little place near my apartment in Greenwich Village." "It's called "Ann's 440."" "It's a beatnik bar." " You don't say?" " Yes." "A beatnik bar." "You can get carrot juice or Italian coffee and the people there..." "Well, none of them quite fit in." "You'd love it." "Come there with me." "There's a marathon poetry-reading on New Year's Eve." "I go every year." " It's marvelous!" " Every year?" "Well, this year, if it's good, I plan to make it a tradition." "My, it certainly is beautiful." "The people look like ants." "The Hindus, and the beatniks also, say that in our next lives some of us will come back as ants." "Some will be butterflies, others will be elephants or creatures of the sea." "What a beautiful thought." "What do you think you were in a previous life?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe I was just a fast-talking career gal who thought she was one of the boys." "Oh, no, Amy." "Pardon me for saying so, but I find that very far-fetched." " There really is something I must tell you." " That person would come back as a hog." "I find it more likely that you were a gazelle with long, graceful legs, gamboling through the underbrush." "Perhaps we met once." "A chance encounter in a forest glade." "I must have been an antelope or an ibex." "The times we must've had foraging together for sustenance snorfling water from a mountain stream picking the grubs and burrs from one another's coats." "Or perhaps we simply touched horns briefly and went our separate ways." "Oh, I wish it were that simple, Norville." "I wish I was still a gazelle and you were an antelope or an ibex." "Can I at least call you deer?" "You're funny." "Seriously, Amy, it's what your beatnik friends call "karma."" "Karma." "The great circle of life, death and rebirth." "I think I heard of that." "What goes around comes around." "That's it." "A great wheel that gives us all what we deserve." "I've go to show Sid and all the guys I deserve their confidence." "Tomorrow's my big presentation to the board." "Kiss me, Amy!" "Kiss me once for luck." "Sure, Norville." "You know, for kids!" "It has economy, simplicity, low production cost, potential for mass appeal." "All that spells out great profitability." "I had the boys at RD make this prototype so our discussion could have some focus and to give you gentleman a firsthand look at how exciting this gizmo is." "It's fun, healthy, good exercise, and the kids'll love it." "We put a little sand inside to make the experience more pleasant." "The great part is we don't have to charge an arm and a leg." " What if you tire before it's done?" " Does it have rules?" " Can more than one play?" " Why is it a game?" " Is it a game?" " Will it break?" " It better break eventually." " Is there an object?" " What if you tire before it's done?" " Does it have batteries?" " Could we charge extra for them?" " Is it safe for toddlers?" " How do you know you're finished?" " How does it stop?" " Is that a boy's model?" " Can a parent assemble it?" " What if you tire before it's done?" " Is there a larger model for the obese?" "What the hell is it?" "Well, it's...." "Brilliant!" "Genius." "It's exactly what Hudsucker Industry needs at this juncture." "Even a blind man can tell you there'll be an enormous demand for this this...." "Congratulations." "You've outdone yourself." "You've reinvented the wheel." "I'll recommend to the board that we proceed immediately and that the dingus be mass-produced with all deliberate speed." "Although, you realize of course as president the ultimate decision is yours." "I'm for it."