"Eddie and I were eating brunch the other day when we overheard this idiot shouting at the foreign waitress." "All right, listen." "Egg and chips." "Egg and chips!" "You daft bat." "He's rude." "What is the point of employing someone that don't talk British?" " Maybe I should say something." " Egg and chips!" "What, though?" "Yo, douche bag." "Leave her alone." " What did you say?" " I said..." "Leave her alone." "Oi, cockface." "You want eggs?" "How do you like them eggs?" "Hey, dickface." "Leave her alone." " You what, mate?" " I said, hey, dickface... leave... her... alone." "Are you listening, love?" "It's very simple." " Egg and chips." " OK, Eddie, I'm going in." " Excuse me, mate." " You talking to me?" "Yes, I am." "Leave her alone." "That was very heroic, Don." "Thank you." "Would you like to go for a drink sometime?" "{\You know, }A drink?" "A drink." "A drink!" ".:" "La Fabrique :." "Dickheads Team" "Synchro: mpm  Arrow" "Episode 203 Don the singer" "So I ended up taking Anya, the waitress, out on a date." "It was going really well." "This has been fun, don't you think?" "Absolutely, yeah." "I'll give you a call?" "Mi?" "Phone you?" ""Anya, it's Don."" "Cool." "See?" "Pretty good, eh?" "Now, do you want the good news or the bad news?" " Dunno." "The good news?" " Right." "The good news is... there isn't any bad news!" "So what you're actually saying is, there isn't any news?" "What?" " It's a little joke." " Oh, my God." "You really have too much time on your hands, don't you, Eddie?" "Actually, Don, no." "With looking after Mrs Treacher{\ next door}, doing weekends at the elderly centre, two nights a week maintenance at the university, the Samaritans, the croupiering, rehearsing with the local theatre club..." "We're doing The Cosby Show this year." "I'm {\playing }Cliff Huxtable very exciting." "And then my spare time, that's mostly spent looking after you..." " Are you still speaking?" " Just finished." "Obviously, I'm still speaking now, but..." " Make me something edible." " Something edible coming right up." "All right, bro?" "You are...?" "Great." "Really nice and fine." " No, I mean, you are...?" " Morning, Don." "Do you know this person?" "Thank Christ for that." "I thought he'd just broken in." "I was worried he was going to rape me." "Don't worry, Don." "No-one would ever want to rape you." "How dare you!" "Do me a favour and don't speak... too much." "I kinda like this one." "I don't normally go for the cool guy." "He's not cool." "What's his name?" " Jackson." " Ridiculous!" "Damn, that's a cool name!" "This is Don, my flatmate." " Hi, brother." " Jackson's a singer-songwriter." "Really?" "Me too." " Since when?" " Since always." "So you were born with it as well?" "What?" "Sorry?" "Always had the gift." "I penned a tune when I was in the womb." "There was a pen in your mum's womb?" "Penned it in my mind." "Most people emerge from their mother's birth traps kicking and screaming." "Not me." "I came out whistling a melody." "My God!" "How come you've never mentioned this before?" "You've never really sung, have you?" "Many times, thank you very much." "So, bro-dica, what kind of stuff do you play?" "Well, I'm kind of a cross between..." "David Bowie and David..." "Seaman?" "The goalkeeper?" "That's the one, yeah." "Right." "Jackson's playing tonight, aren't you?" "That's right." "I run a night at The Hand and Forearm." "Yeah, I play my pieces and have a few guests on, you know." "Did you just say you play "pieces"?" "I don't like to call them songs." "They're that bad{\, are they?" "}." ""Song" is a very parochial term." "So, what do you call your "songs"?" "Melody word formations." "You're serious!" "Do you have any spots available tonight?" "Because I would love to come along and sing some of... my melody word formations." "Surely, yeah." "I'd be very glad to house your talents there, bro-stable." "Listen, I've gotta exit, cos I've gotta little something brewing in my melody cauldron." "I've even got a title." "It's called Samantha  Colon, A Girl I Met..." " Right." " Brackets, Last Night," "Close Brackets." "Is there any more or is that it?" "That's it." "It's one of my shortest titles." "It's about you, you know?" "I got that." "Absorb." "I couldn't believe what I was witnessing." "Is this really the sort of knob Sam goes for?" "I'll see you later, papa brother." "You bet." "What?" "No, nothing." "He's nice." "Not at all pretentious, and nice." "Right, I'd better skedaddle." "Got a rehearsal this afternoon." "Theo!" "Not entirely sure what I'd just witnessed." "I rushed upstairs to begin rehearsing my set." "Why won't you touch me, baby?" "Why won't you touch me?" "Is it cos you don't have hands?" "They were severed off in a kitchen catastrophe..." " You're not really gonna play tonight?" " You bet your sweet tush I am." "This is great." "I haven't played in front of an audience." "Since...?" "That's it." "I haven't played in front of an audience." "I've never had the chance." "I've always been too busy doing things." " What things?" "" " Things." "Shush." "Something special happened when I met Jackson." "He irritated me so much that I found myself needlessly competing with him." "But something special came from that, because now I get to fulfil" " my second most desired ambition." " What's the first?" "To be the world's first porn star in space." "{\You know, }If he's playing a song for you," "I should probably write a song for Anya." "Do you not find it annoying that she doesn't speak a word of English?" "That's not true." "She says two: "thank" and "you"." "It's amazing how many{\ different} sentences you can get out of those words." "Look." " Thank you." " Thank you." "You thank." " Thank." " You." " You." " You?" "You." " See?" " That wasn't a conversation." "Just cos you didn't understand it, doesn't mean it didn't happen." "We got through our initial stumbling block by just ploughing on through." "Another underrated actor in my humble is one Kevin of Costner." "Where do you stand on Costner?" "{\pos(192,230)}Yeah, but what about Waterworld?" "I mean, what other film fuses an environmental message with wet stunts?" "Brilliant." "Do you want another drink?" "Drink?" "Waiter." "If I understood everything Anya was saying, then there'd be a danger of us getting emotionally attached." "And that would ruin things for when Abby returns." "She does exist, if that's what you mean by "Abby"." "In all seriousness, you have considered the prospect that she might not feel the same way about you, right?" "Why would you say such evil things?" " I'm just saying." " Get out!" "Go on!" "Out!" "Come back." " What time's the gig tonight?" " Eight." "Now get out!" "What does she know about Abby anyway?" "Thank you?" "Right," "Robin Hood or The Bodyguard?" "I was so excited about showing off my talents at the gig, especially to Anya." "We hadn't had sexy boom-boom yet, so I was certain this would impress her." "Hey, bro-seph." "This your entourage?" "I call them my Don-tourage!" "Why?" "Well, you know, cos of my name." "OK, I'm gonna... perform now, so... you guys just kick back and absorb me, yeah?" "This guy was really getting on my balls." "I couldn't wait to blow him off the stage." "Hi, guys." "Donald." "Are you all right, Mrs Treacher?" "My husband's dead, remember?" "Remind me why you brought her along." "Cos she wanted to come." "Didn't you, Dot?" "It was either that or stay in and kill myself." "Great." "Really nice vibes you're putting out there, Mrs T." "A drink?" "Sure, what can I get you?" "Actually, she said, "Shouldn't we be sitting down?"" "What makes you think you can understand her any better than me?" " Because I speak Hungarian." " I don't see what..." "Really?" "Mrs Karakarakosgigich at the elderly centre, she's Hungarian." "She's been teaching me titbits for years." "OK." "Well, then, translate this." "Anya, baby." "Would you like a vodka?" "She says, can you please stop forcing her to drink?" "She's a recovering alcoholic." " You're such a liar." " Ladies and gentlemen, the act you've all been waiting for..." "Jackson Fife!" "Are you really an alcoholic?" "Why is he taking his shoes off?" "He's not gonna play guitar with his toes, is he?" " I could never top that." " Shut up!" "Thanks for coming." "Right back at you, bro-ster." "I'm gonna play something new now, a little something called..." "Samantha..." "Colon, A Girl I Met  Bracket, Last Night  Close Brackets." "I think that's my new favourite song title ever." "Colon, a girl I met" "Bracket, last night..." "Oh, God!" "Close brackets" "Bracket, chorus" "Close brackets..." "Well done, mate!" "Rubbish, innit?" "What are you doing?" "Do the dance!" "Repeat to fade" "Repeat to fade" "You what?" "You don't know what all the fuss is about?" "I totally agree." "Actually, she said she thought it was stunning." "Bite me, Eddie." "Before I continue with my extravaganza," "I'd like to invite onto the stage a new friend." "Ladies and gentlemen..." " It's Don." " Don Damzent." "Give it up!" "Thank you." "You ain't seen nothing yet!" "This song is about... love." "And... shit." "Shit?" "!" "Hey, my sweet love" "Hey, my sweet love" "Can we make sweet love tonight?" "No, we cannot..." "That's the girl." "We cannot make love tonight..." "Why can we not?" "Why can we not?" "Why can't we make love tonight?" "Cos we've never met" "We've never met before" "Oh, baby girl You've got me hot and runny" "Why can't we just have sex right now?" "Cos we're in Tesco's and I'm scared" "We're standing in the frozen meat aisle" "Who gives a damn?" "I want you now" "Let's fuck behind the meat." "Des Danbury." " Des Danbury." " It's Don." "There he is." "I'd like to play a song now that I wrote with my mind." "This piece has no words, just feelings." "Absorb." "They just didn't get it cos, well, you know, they're not my... demographic." "Right." " You know, my demographic are..." " Deaf?" "He means it." "He really means it." "Jon Bon Jesus!" "Sorry, Don." "I didn't mean to scare you." "Right." "I see." "So, hiding in the larder and jumping out at me like that wasn't meant to scare me... how?" "I wasn't hiding." "I was sleeping." "Look." "You're living in the pantry?" "Not living." "Sleeping." "I stay over sometimes, if it's late, and I've missed the last train." "I'll be back up in a minute!" "We're about to have sexy intercourse for the first time, but I'm putting it off, because..." "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm nervous." "Why?" "She's stood right there!" "Well, yeah, but she can't understand what we're saying." "She can understand you, though!" "Only when I speak Hungarian." "So anyway, we're having sexy foreplay, and she keeps tutting." "{\I mean, }Tutting!" "Do you realise how annoying it is when the woman you're fellating, tuts?" "And then she keeps asking me to do things to her, but I don't understand a word." "It would help if you spoke her language." "Ask her if she likes that." "She says no, she doesn't." "Jesus!" "Tough crowd!" "Who's your daddy?" "Pardon?" "Say to her, "Who's your daddy?"" "His name's Henrik." "What?" "!" "He's a builder." "She wants to know why you're interested in him." "She says, "It's one thing having sex when that strange man's in the room," ""but even stranger to ask me about my father while you're doing it."" "What strange man, Don?" "I think she means you, Eddie." " This isn't really working, is it?" " It is a bit weird, yeah." "It was a bit weird, and Eddie and I swore to never speak of it again." ""Theo, did you park" ""the Oldsmobile in the garage?" ""In the garage?"" "I don't get it." "Why didn't they like my song?" "Well, your material isn't very..." " How can I say this?" " Good." "It's not..." " Good." " Will you shut Gollum up?" " Your songs aren't exactly..." " Good." "... beautiful." "I have beautiful songs." "Here's one." "It's about a mermaid." " I love mermaids." " You'll love this, then." "I'm dating a mermaid" "But we can't make love" "Cos she don't got a vagina" "Although it smells like she does..." " What?" " It's disgusting!" "I quite liked it." "She don't got a vagina..." "Look, the reason why people respond to Jackson's songs..." "Melody word formations." "... is because he's not writing about wishing he could shag a mermaid." "You really like him, don't you?" "All right, yes." "I swore to myself I'd never go out with a musician." "{\Actually, }I tell a lie." "I swore to my mum that I would never go out with a musician." "She wanted to me marry a..." "wealthy businessman." "Her momma's overbearing..." "It's cos my dad left her when we were young." "... And Daddy left for rent boys..." "It's understandable, really." "... She doesn't understand it..." "Why don't you write something close to your heart?" "What, like wanting to be the world's first porn star in space?" "Good idea." "Sex in orbit" " Sex in space..." " Why don't you write about{\ that girl,} Abby?" "Yeah, come on." "I mean, at least then it would be heartfelt and honest." "And don't be afraid if it makes you upset or even if it makes you cry." "Don't be silly." "I'm a man's man." "I don't cry." " Abby's never coming back." " What?" "!" "How do you know that?" "!" "I'm joking." "I made it up." "You are evil." "Pure evil." "You do know what I'm saying, right?" "You're saying that I should write a song about Abby?" "My God, he's a genius!" "If only I had some accompaniment." "You know, another instrument to sex it up a little bit." "I don't think I'm gonna find anyone in time, though." "What?" " I didn't know you blew sax." " You bet-sy!" "It's one of 8 instruments I play." "Why does it sound so distant?" "I didn't want to disturb you while you were chatting." "I've got very good control over the reed, you see." "You need to treat it with tenderness." "Suckle it with care." "Blow it like you love it." "Calm down, Eddie." "It's a saxophone, not a nipple." "Come on then, Baker Street!" "So I did exactly what Sam suggested." "I wrote a heartfelt song about Abby." "I couldn't wait to play it." "But first I had to sit through this tit." "Thanks." "Pathetic." "Thank you." "I'd like to introduce onto stage now somebody all the way from last week," "Mr Tom Dombury." "Hey, come on." "Give this guy a break, OK?" "It's all about art and good feelings, yeah?" "You gonna keep your trousers on this time, yeah?" "Actually, it's Don." "Don Danbury." "Don, short for Donald." "Two, three, four." "Abigail..." "You went away" "I wanna know" "Are you ever coming back?" "Abigail..." "You went away..." "Peter Daniels." "It's Don!" "Jesus Christ!" "That really was a piece of something." "That was very powerful, very emotional." "That was very..." " Well, it was honest." " ... very, very painful to hear something... embarrassing and shit." "But that's life." "For John." "OK, let's pick things up with a tune which I wrote this morning." "A little something called..." "Anya..." "Colon, A Girl I Met..." "Brackets, And Made Sensational Love With Last Night..." "Close Brackets." "This is a good one." "I helped him translate it." "You traitor!" "I didn't realise it was about your Hungarian Anya!" "What are you doing out here?" "I couldn't handle the embarrassment." "Yeah, I know what you mean." "His songs are awful, aren't they?" "I was talking about the fact that he's been shagging Anya and I found out through the medium of song." " Melody word form..." " Shut up." "Aren't you annoyed?" "Anya freaked me out." "Always made me feel useless." "What am I saying?" "All women make me feel useless." "I should have known it was never gonna work." "She didn't like Costner!" "Do you want a hug?" "I'm fine." "Come on." "Come on, let's go." " Do you wanna hear my latest song?" " No, not really." "I think you do." "It's called Jackson, Colon, A Twat I Met, Bracket," "Who Doesn't Deserve Sam, Close Bracket." "It goes something like this, look." "Jackson, you colon" "You silly little twatty little colon..." " I'm making it up as I go along." " Really?" "!" "You couldn't tell!" "Jackson, you sap" "Brackets, you cock sap..."