" What's happening?" " We have a security breach." "Take only what's necessary, leave the rest behind." "Commander, we just received this." "Then we have a traitor." "Step away from her." "She's a spy." "She's not a spy." "Beastie!" " Make way for Scharnhorst!" " Scharnhorst!" "Please, don't hurt me." "Just take what you want." "You're what I want." "Get me Screw-On Head." "There are two histories... one that is told and one that isn't" "I, Abraham Lincoln, do order that America's strangest, most secret histories will only be recorded in one book." "These are the adventures of..." "Screw-On Head." "Calling Screw-On Head." "Screw-On Head." "Screw-On Head." "Coming, Mr. President." " Yes, sir." " Tell me what you know about the Kalakistan Fragment." "Scrolled on unshaven goatskin, it supposedly details the life of Gung the Magnificent who nearly conquered the world in 9632 B.C." "Using supernatural powers derived from a fabulous melon-sized jewel." " "Supposedly"?" " The fragment is untranslatable." "And missing." "It disappeared from the Museum of Dangerous Books and Paper along with their foremost expert on ancient evil texts." " Professor Fruen?" " He was abducted by two horrible old women and a monkey." "Sounds like Emperor Zombie." "Sounds like you're right." "Then Fruen's deciphered the fragment." "And Zombie's got 'em both." "The belly's telling me he's scratching to finish the job that Gung started 10,000 years ago." "Given your personal history with Emperor Zombie," " I can't ask you..." " Then I'm volunteering." "Our informant in Marrakesh has given us the precise location of Fruen's last known whereabouts." "The trail starts there." "All due respect, Mr. President, the trail starts with your informant in Marrakesh." " Mr. Groin!" " Here, sir." "I'll be needing a body for this." " What about lucky 13?" " Anything," " only let us have progress." " Yes yes, hurrying along." "But what's this I hear about a personal history" " with Emperor Zombie?" " Oh, that." "It's nothing." "There's a history." "I wouldn't call it personal." "Mmm." "Pardon me if I'm being too familiar, but I find it odd considering the seven gentlemen who preceded me in this position were all killed by Emperor Zombie." " That seems personal." " I'm not comfortable with this level of intimacy from someone in your position, Mr. Groin." "Yes, sir." " Mmm." " Oh, very well." "I was instructed not to tell you as a matter of national security, but since you've asked... in life, Emperor Zombie was H.G. Manifold, Mr. Manifold... the mister before the seven that were murdered and you." "In many ways, he was my favorite." "He was certainly the smartest, had a taste for ancient forbidden knowledge which tragically was his undoing." "Evidently not, sir, if he's still kicking about, causing trouble." "Yes, it's as I always say... all really intelligent people should be cremated for reasons of public safety." "Better late than never, I say." "Being too familiar." "Ready, Mr. Groin?" " Ready, Mr. Head." " Godspeed, Screw-On Head." "Ah, Patience." "To what do we owe this dismal pleasure?" "Sadly for you, the dismal pleasure is all mine." "You see, Emperor Zombie has a problem, he calls me and he says, "Fix it. "" "So here we are, fixing things." "Tell, exactly, what are we fixing?" "You." "Yeah, that's what I want you to do." "It seems you're a bit of a get-around girl who likes to talk." "Yes, please." "Uh-oh." "Whoa!" " So..." " Patience?" " Patience." " Screw-On." "You make me feel alive and full-bodied." "I look into your eyes and see there's a life outside my head." " I love..." " Shh." "Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh." "I want to say it first." "I I..." "Patience." "Bye now." "Damn you, Mr. Manifo... ooh!" "Excuse me." "Damn you, Emperor Zombie!" "Still living in your head, Head?" "Where is Professor Fruen?" "So, it's all business, is it?" "The Head I fell in love with was so much more chatty." "Aw, but that was before you allowed me to be horribly murdered and turned into the foul beast that stands before you." "You're sweet." "I wasn't fishing for that, but thank you." "Is this how you spend your days," "Zombie's errand girl, running around telling rats to kill people?" " Rats like me." " Of course they do, you're vermin." " You used to love this vermin." " I used to a lot of things, Patience." "And speaking of patience, I'm running out of mine." "Goodbye, my former love." "I've got her!" " § You know something I don't know. §" " Who's there?" "What is the meaning of this?" "I thought I was clear." "You know something" " I don't know." " I'll tell you everything." "I want to know what this says." "The scroll of Gung?" "It's untranslatable." "Why steal a book you can't read?" "That's silly." "Umm, I was attempting to translate it." "Ooh, how far did you get?" " Not very." " You're no fun." "Piggy little professor, keeping Gung's secrets all to himself." "There's only one way to truly know everything you know." "Ask politely?" "I'm going... to smoke you." "Last words before I spark it?" "Wait!" "I know where Gung's temple is!" "Oops, so do I. Just can't get inside the damn thing." "Ricky." "Now I know everything you know." "There's actually a little joke in here." "Gung was funny." "Where's Zombie?" "Where's Zombie?" "Where?" "Where?" "!" " Ahh!" " Head, a word." "Crack a window, Mr. Groin." "Let's not have the Oval Office smelling like burnt hair." "The nature of this investigation has become much too personal." "We're dealing with undead perversions of the only woman you ever loved and your most trusted manservant who vowed to do away with all subsequent manservants in the cruelest means imaginable." "Perhaps you should lower your voice, Mr. President," "Groin's been rather invasive and a tad familiar as of late." "He could be hatching a plot." "He's not Zombie!" "Groin's looking out for your behind, Head." "You can't keep him at arm's length." "I admit there are unresolved issues, but I won't allow them to get in the way of national security." "America is depending on me, Mr. President." "And by America, I mean the world." " He's picked up a scent." " We're coming for you, Zombie." "Who says smoking people is bad for you?" ""Turn back lest great vengeances be leveled against thee, for this is the Temple of Gung. "" "And what do you have to say?" " You've done it." " Yay." "I'm so excited I just made water in my pantaloons." "I wish Patience was here." "Not that I don't like you," "I do." "It's just she's not quite so old." "She's old, but not like you, not like that." "You understand." "Ooh, look." "It's Gung." "Foolish mortal." "Do I look mortal to you?" "There it is..." "Bangang Agro-Esh:" "The left eye of Nog, the jewel worshipped by the wizards of Mu and the black priests of Atlantis, finally passed down to Gung the Magnificent who was chosen by the gods to conquer the world with it and now, it's mi..." "Eww." "It's not a jewel, it's a dirty, old piece of crap." "It's a turnip." "And it looks like it has a small parallel universe inside." "Open open open," "I can't bear to wait a moment longer." "I'm about to make contact." "Stop right there." "Screw-On Head." "I was just saying how nice it'd be if Patience were here to share this moment, and there she is." "You granted my wish." " Hello, darling." " Hello, my love." "Unless your wish is to see her die," "I suggest you put down that turnip." "In this, my greatest hour, I do have another wish but it's not that." "It's to have a happy reconciliation with the Head that gave me purpose." "After all, I wouldn't be the zombie I am today if it weren't for you." "Your purpose is world domination, and don't put your damage on me, pal." "I get enough of that from this one." "I'm merely expressing gratitude." "Perhaps you might express an apology." "Oh, no, he didn't." "Apologize to you?" " Pardon me if I say poppycock." " Then say it." " Poppycock." " You let America down." "You let me down." "You went on and on about how sweet the candy was, then told me not to put it in my mouth and got mad at me when I did." "If by "candy" you mean ancient forbidden evil, then, yes, I told you not to put it in your mouth." "I think your forbidden evil is fresh as a daisy." "Thank you, darling." "My arm's getting tired." "Nobody moves or Patience dies... again... permanently!" "Ah yes, if you can't have her then no one can." "Patience darling, do I have permission to let Head stake you if it means world domination?" "Yes, my love." "No!" "Plug it in." "Stop!" "You will release the Demigod!" "You mean that big magical thing you used to conquer the world thousands of years ago?" "Then I believe introductions are in order." "Plug it." "Free at last from my vegetable prison!" "Your poor, sad, insignificant brains cannot conceive of the horror that is coming now... right now... right this very instant." "Now, the horror." "I can't allow that!" "Bah!" "You are an irritant to me!" "Time to begin the horror." "By all means, let's!" "Emperor Zombie..." "how do you do?" "I'm here to advise you on dispensing horror in this modern military climate." "I understand you're a demigod." "That's fantastic." "Oh, I don't know about "fantastic. "" "I do, if I may be so bold." "Be bold!" "I command you." "I have an impressive resume in the service industry, as the man you just crushed can testify." "I've been looking for a master worthy of my servitude, and, baby, you are it!" "Yes, artillery now is big guns that shoot giant rocks that bruise and dismember, which is why you need artillery too." "And an army of the undead." "Also an army of the undead." "Well, I've always wanted one of those." "You dig up the corpses and I'll make them your slaves." "Emperor Zombie, you're a fiend!" "Boo-hoo, you had your chance." "And it's Mr. Zombie now, for I answer to the mighty Demigod." "Mr. Dog!" "Did you come to save the day?" "When I was alive and he was alive, he won "Best in Show" 10 times running." "Well, the show's over now, Mr. Dog, and this time you didn't win." "Um, would you mind stepping on him?" "Mr. Groin?" " Mr. Zombie?" " This is the best day ever!" "It marks the end of Amazing Screw-On Head and brings closure to my petty vengeance fetish with his manservants." "Your petty vengeance fetish will have to do without Mr. Groin." "Ow!" "Not the face!" "The world will be made to suffer for this indignity!" "Indignity?" "I'll have you know" "I work for the President of the United States of America!" "Now, Mr. Groin!" "I'm beside myself." "Good work, Mr. Groin!" "Now, to beat a hasty retreat." "Hey!" "Curse you, Screw-On Head!" "Where?" "Good show, Mr. Gung." "Thanks to you, Mr. Groin," "I vanquished my greatest enemy today, who sadly happened to be my closest friend." "Well, too long I've been living in my head friendless and alone, scarred by past betrayals." "I must learn to trust again and damn it, Mr. Groin, you're gonna show me how!" "From here on out, you'll be as familiar as you like." "Yes, sir." "How do you like that, Mr. Dog?" "Damn you, Patience!" "Another job well done, Screw-On Head." "Once again, the earth is a safe place for living humans." "Let's not be lulled into a false sense of security." "According to Mr. Gung, our new representative from the Paleolithic era, the Northern American continent was once home to civilizations with strange technologies, some of them in contact with alien worlds." " God only knows what..." " Ah!" "Not unless spoken to." "You must be bold in your actions, Mr. President." "There's an America beyond the Mississippi that requires a threat assessment." "But how?" "If the Confederates learn of our agenda, they'll undermine us at every turn." "Then we act under the auspices of spurring western migration." "By gum, that's it." "We're coming for you, America!"