"Then, who I'm here to help." "Charlie-san!" "[ Speaking Japanese ]" "[ Sam Narrating ] Third, if I've made a mistake, know how to make up for it." "And always, always know when to leave." "Sayonara, Sam." "[ Sam Narrating ] Which brings me back to the first rule of quantum leaping: ¡ finding out who I am." "[ Woman ] Sam?" "My name!" "I'm gonna be called by my own name." "Who is it?" "It's Gloria, you yo-yo, who else would it be?" "I have to run to the store." "I ran my last pair of stockings." "You need anything?" "Uh, no, no." "I'm fine." "Will you zip me up?" "You'd better hurry up." "You'll be late for your new job." "Uh, yeah, right." "My new-- My new job." "Like it's no big deal." "An executive position like this... opens up once every five years and never to someone our age," "Miss Youngest Executive Secretary at the company." "[ Sam ] Miss?" "Wow!" "[ Al ] Oh, my God." "It's true!" "No, you-- You could lower that." "I'm a woman!" "And I'm in love." "If it was anybody else, Sam, I'd be all over you like a cheap suit." "Stop it." "What?" "I'm just-- I'm enjoying the view." "Let's face it." "You're a knockout." "You mean..." "you see me a-as her?" "Course I see you as her." "And back in the waiting room, I see her as you." " That's the way it works, don't you remember?" " No, not really." "Al, this-this-- this feels really weird." "Think about how Samantha feels." "She's so confused, we're using Verbena Beeks." "Antidepressants?" "Dr. Verbena Beeks." "She's the project shrink." "I used to think she was cute." "Would you stop looking at me like that!" "Sam, you better get used to it." "You're gonna have to convince everybody you're a woman." "No!" "Yes!" "Yes, that's the rule, Sam." "Everybody has to believe you are Samantha... so that whatever's wrong here can be made right." "Well, just what is that, please?" "I don't know." "Gooshie and I haven't had time to feed any programs through Ziggy." "Well, would you do it, please?" "Get on it." "Whatever you say, beautiful." "Get out of here." "Just get out of my bathroom." "You have a wonderful sense of humor." "[ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]" "[ Sam ] Detroit, Michigan, 1 96 1." "Roger Maris is about to break Babe Ruth's home run record." "But am I wearing cleats, sliding into second?" "No." "I'm wearing three-inch high heels and trying desperately not to fall on my... face." "I told you you should have worn a girdle." "I'm not into bondage." "Do you remember how Debbie Moore used to say that before she had her baby?" "Now she wouldn't be caught dead without one." "I still can't believe she went back to work." "What's wrong with that?" "Excuse me, but aren't you the same girl that said," ""The day I get that gold band is the day I quit work, start shopping and eat anything chocolate. "" "Great." "I'm a gold digger." "I'd never say that about my best friend." "Let's just say you're mentally prepared... for a life different than the one you're in." "[ Gloria ] That's our bus!" "Hey, wait!" "Hold it." "Ah, ooh, ah." "No stockings?" "You're such a bohemian." "[ Sam ] Two hours as Samantha, and I knew that the lyrics... to "I Enjoy Being a Girl" were not written by one." "Whew!" "I only hope myjob... doesn't require anything more than sharpening pencils or mailing a letter." "At least until Ziggy figures out why I'm here." "[ Gloria Sniffling ]" "What's wrong?" "Buddy got his promotion." " Buddy?" " My fiancé-- if you can call a guy who's married your fiancé." "I don't think so." "I can't believe he did this." "This is what we've been waiting for, so he could leave Gail." "He didn't even ask for me to be his secretary." "I'm sorry." "You were right, Sam." "Married men are just a one-way ticket to Nowheresville." "I don't know why I keep believing." "Sometimes I think I should just give it all up." "Gloria." "I'll be fine." "I'm always fine." "From my heart." "I hope everything's there." "Uh, yeah." "Well, I" " I hope so too." "If there is any problem, I'm the man to talk to." "I did the move myself, beautiful." "Beautiful?" "Oh, okay." "Miss Stormer." "But, um, if you like," "I could call you Samantha, and, uh, you could call me Big John." "I'm gonna call you "dead" if you don't get outta my face." "Aw." "I was just trying to be friendly." "Be friendly on your own time, Johnny, or you'll be delivering mail for Studebaker." "On the double, Mr. Wright." "Miss Stormer, in my office." "And bring a pad and pencil." "Great guy." "[ Door Locking ]" "I didn't realize until I watched you walk through that door, how incredibly beautiful you really are." "Whatever I did, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, too, that..." "I didn't become a vice president sooner." "But we'll make up for that... starting tonight?" "Drinks..." "to celebrate our" "Our new positions." "[ Thinking ] My natural instinct was to punch him out." "[ Pencil Snapping ]" "But as Al said, I had to play this as Samantha." "I don't think so, Mr. Wright." " Buddy." "Buddy." " Buddy." "What do you mean you don't think so?" "Well, you're ma-married." "So?" "So, I-I-- I don't date married men." "I figured I was just the fella to change all of that." "You figured wrong." "Samantha, I understand... playing hard to get in the steno pool, but you've got the job now." "I overlooked some very eligible gals to, uh, give it to you." "This is sexual harassment!" "I don't know what that is, but I like the sound of it." "Why don't you just explain that to me tonight over drinks?" "Why don't you let your wife explain it to you?" "Samantha." "Samantha." "I would." "Only my" "Well, my wife..." "won't be sober enough... to even say hello when I get home tonight." "Get me Bixby's market research." "I need it for my 1 0:30." "And put on some makeup." "You're representing Buddy Wright out there." "[ Mouths Words ]" "How's the girl of my dreams?" "You know, this is-- It's degrading." "I mean, first he-- He chases me around his office, a-and then-- and then he says I gotta wear lipstick!" "It's a pity they didn't have the wet look in '61... 'cause you would look fabulous with wet lips." "I'm so happy about that." "This is" " This is hard on me, Sam." "Oh?" "It's hard on me." "I can't stop thinking about you." "Time has packaged my best friend inside a goddess of love." "It's got me worried, Sam." "I'm talking to Dr. Beeks." "[ Gloria ] Sam?" "I've been looking everywhere for you." "Buddy called." "He explained everything." "The reason why he didn't tell me about the promotion was because he wanted it to be a surprise." "He wants to marry me!" "He's already married." "[ Al ] This is why you're here, Sam." "He's leaving Gail." "He was waiting for the promotion, so he could afford to fight for custody of the children." " I'm getting married!" " No, she's not." "Gloria, "I'm leaving my wife"-- it's the oldest lie in the book." "Don't spoil this for me." "You're my best friend." "Just be happy for me, please." "Gloria-- I gotta get back." "Culpepper'll be screaming for me." "Oh, I'm so happy!" " What happens?" " Well, when she finds out..." "Mr. Wrong won't marry her" "[ Sighs ] she commits suicide." "[ Narrating ] I have come to the conclusion that women are part masochist." "It's like someone designed a modern-day torture rack you can wear:" "from the bra, to the stockings, to the tight skirts, and the shoes from hell." "They get up everyday and perform this weird binding ritual." "And for what?" "Wow!" "You look terrific." "I'm supposed to look conservative." "[ Chuckling ] You couldn't look conservative if you tried." "Thanks." "Come here." "Eat your heart out, Marilyn." "If anybody but my best friend were working for Buddy, I'd be worried." "Anyone else and you'd have good reason." "Please don't." "I told you last night." "I love him and he loves me." "That's all that matters." "What about his wife and kids?" "She is a monster, Sam." "She drinks and she fights with him." "She doesn't care about herself or the children-- not to mention the affair she's having with the tennis pro at the club." "Buddy is so unhappy." "He said I'm his only hope." "Do you know how special that makes me feel?" "Gloria, you shouldn't need a man to make you feel special." "But I do." "Why?" "You are beautiful-- I'm not beautiful." "I'm cute, maybe, but I'm not beautiful." "But you are." "And not just on the outside, but in here, where it counts." "Men don't want what's in here." "They want what you've got." "Except for Buddy." "He was the one in a million that loved me for myself." "I wish that were so, Gloria, but... having just spent a day with him, I-I" "It makes me doubt it." "Why should I believe you?" "Have you ever had a man love you for anything besides your body?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean that." "No, that's-- It's okay." "Oh, Sam, I love him, and he loves me." "Don't ask me to give up my one chance at happiness." "[ Man ] Iacocca's got Eisenhower hawking for him at $ 1,000 a plate!" "Can you believe it?" "The president of the United States!" "He's a hell of a showman." "Of course, he's gotta be... after that A-bomb of an Edsel last year." "I liked the Edsel." "It was a dog, Ted." "Nobody wanted a car with a zero for a grille." "Maybe not." "But I'm not so sure... the public wants what we've got on the drawing boards." "What are you talking about?" "[ Thinking ] I had before me a firsthand definition of sleaze." "Buddy had perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect eyes and perfect chin." "But they weren't the arrow that made women like Gloria fall." "It was the velvet tones all neatly wrapped in wit and charm." "We can't base our designs on California, Ted." "They're avocado growers and movie stars... with kinky tastes..." "He was a master of manipulation, for foreign sports cars." "and he knew it." "Yes, but they spend more time on the freeways than they do in their homes." "We're gonna get 'em with our '62s." "I'm looking down the road five, 1 0 years." "What's the public going to want then?" "The same dream machines that they want right now:" "fins, chrome, flash and horsepower." "Lots ofhorsepower." "The bigger, the better." "And wait till we put this baby on the market." "Five-hundred cubic inches, 450 horsepower." "Three inches wider and ten inches longer than the biggest Caddy." "What about fuel economy?" "[ Ted ] Miss Stormer has a point." "What about it, Buddy?" "What does it get, seven miles to the gallon?" "Maybe eight." "But I got that covered, Ted." "I reduced the trunk and I enlarged the gas tank." "This baby will hold 40 gallons." "My God, what'll it cost to fill up?" "At 30 cents a gallon, $1 2." "But we're not gonna try to market this model to... secretaries." "Could I have a cup of coffee, please?" "Ted, coffee?" "Yes, black." "I like mine like my women, hot and sweet." "[ Pencil Cracks ]" "Don't even start unless you want to eat your teeth for lunch." "[ Cups Clattering ] [ Chattering ]" "What are you doing?" "Hot and sweet." "What?" "I want a beer." "A light beer." "I wanna make some microwave popcorn." "I wanna sit down in front of the TV, start the VCR." "Oh, that time of the month, huh?" "Uh, no." "I-I don't-- I don't think so." "I just" "I just wanna go home." "That's what I wanna talk to you about." "I have a huge favor to ask." "If you do this, I promise I'll go on that double date your mother set up tomorrow." "Double date?" "Buddy wants to come by the apartment tonight." "I thought you could go to a movie?" "No." "Please, Sam, I need some time alone with Buddy to plan our future." "If he's planning your future the way he's planning this company's, you're in trouble." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Gloria," "I-I-I just wish you would open your eyes." "If Buddy wants to talk, really talk about your future, why does it have to be at the apartment?" "I'm way over 21, Sam." "[ Sighs ]" "I just don't want you hurt." "Does that mean "Yes"?" "Maybe." "Ahhh." " What are you doing here?" " Oh, uh" "I-I just came home to change clothes and, uh, drop the iron maidens." "You don't have time." "Buddy'll be here any minute." "Yeah, well, you know, um, maybe the three of us should talk about your future." "Sam, if you want me to go on that double date... with you tomorrow night, you'll get out of here now!" "[ Chuckles ] About that double date." "That's another thing" "[ Knocking ]" "[ Sighing ]" "Ha-ha!" "Oh." "[ Dog Whimpering, Barking ]" "Oh, uh, I didn't know that you two were roomies." "If I were a different kind of guy" "You wouldn't be here." "Samantha was just going to the movies." "[ Buddy ] In those?" "Yeah, I thought I might just, you know, go do a power walk in the park." "Get a little aerobics exercise, get the old heart rate up." "Since you're already going for a walk, would you mind taking Bubbles?" "Samantha!" "Do it for me, please." "Thanks, doll." "See you in the morning." "[ Barking ]" "The name's Samantha." "[ Chuckling ]" " [ Al ] Personally, I prefer leaving the lights on." " [ Barking ]" " You keep that up, tiny teeth, and I'll feed ya to Ziggy." " [ Growling ]" " A little testy tonight, aren't we?" " You would be too, if" "If what?" "Never mind." "Just save Madam Butterfly up there from cashing in her cookies... and get back to being a guy." "How?" "Gloria is convinced that Buddy's Mr. Wonderful, that-- that he's got a witch for a wi" "A witch for a wife and that she's his only salvation." "Look, all women fall for that one, especially single girls Gloria's age." "What does age have to do with it?" "She's 27 years old." "She's fighting the biological clock." "Those little eggs are ticking off like time bombs." "Al, a woman can have a healthy baby into her 40s." "I know, but people didn't realize that in 1 961." "We're talking serious old maid here." "She's probably up there shredding newspapers right now." " I wish that's what she was doing." " [ Barking ]" "I'm warning you!" "[ Whining ]" "What is your problem?" "You!" "You!" "You... hermaphrodite, you." "You're drivin' me crazy!" "I'm not performing with Tina, so she thinks I've got somebody on the side." "Beeks is laying this load of repressed homosexual crap on me." "And every time I see you," "I've gotta deal with... this." "[ Sighs ] I'm outta here." "Well, you should get outta here." "I can't believe that-- Al, look out!" "Yeah, close the door." "[ Growling ] Come on, Bubbles." "Figure that Buddy would have a dog named Bubbles." "Come here." "Come here." "This is great, you know." "Gloria won't listen to me." "My best friend's got a crush on me, and I'm a woman." "Whatever I did to deserve this-- You listening to me?" "I don't deserve this." "[ Sizzling ]" "What a glorious morning!" "There's Peeping George." "Don't you think you oughta put a--{y:i}a robe on or" "You're the one that's always saying we should give the little guy a thrill." "Besides, I'm too happy today to hide anything." "Oh, for heaven's sakes, Gloria." "What has gotten into you?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "You never get up before noon on Saturday." "You never cook." "And I'm the one that's always pulling you away half-naked from the window." "Did Buddy tell his wife?" "Oh, that's it." "Yes." "So he's moving out?" "Well, not yet." "He and Gail decided... it would be easier on the children if they waited until after the holidays." "Gloria, it's almost two months till Christmas." "No, it's only a month till Thanksgiving." "And then Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, then President's Day" "President's Day?" "And before you know it, it's the Fourth ofJuly." "We know that a man can't leave his wife on the Fourth ofJuly." "It would be un-American." "I'm sure they have a family barbecue, and I'll bet that Buddy's a whiz at lighting charcoal with" "Stop it!" "Just stop it!" "Buddy said he's leaving Gail after the holidays and he will." " No, he won't." " What do you have, a crystal ball?" "In a way." "It's telling me that Buddy will never leave his wife." "Buddy is not Tony!" "Tony?" "It's not my fault Tony lied to you." "It's not my fault Tony didn't leave his wife." "So don't try and spoil it for me... just because of what happened to you two years ago!" "[ Knocking ]" "I'm sorry." "So am I." "I shouldn't have brought up Tony." "It was a mean thing to do." "No." "Now and then I..." "need reminding about things like that." "Sam, please give Buddy a chance." "Try and see it from my point of view." "[ Sighing ]" "I'll try." "I'll tell you what." "Uh, it's a b-beautiful day." "Um, how about brunch?" "At the Pump Room." "Then we'll go shopping at Horne's." "I didn't say anything about shopping." "A blind date is the perfect excuse for a new dress." "I bet your mother'll even reimburse you." "I've been thinking about backing out of tonight." "Oh, no way!" "Your mom would kill you and me both." "We'll find a gorgeous new dress, and then we'll splurge at the Pink Door on a new hairdo." "It'll be the perfect girl's day!" "[ Man ] When your mother told me she had this beautiful daughter living in Detroit," "I thought she was exaggerating." "Mothers have a way of doing that, but not yours." "If anything, she understated." "You are gorgeous." "Thank you." "Dick," "I think you're embarrassing Miss Stormer." "What woman doesn't like being told how gorgeous she is?" "Me." "Are you in the automotive industry?" "Washers." " Clothing washers?" " No." "Little rubber circles." "We make them in 7 86 sizes out of 31 different materials." "Everything from paper to plastic." "You'll find our washers in every car manufactured in Detroit." "That's fascinating." "Please, don't encourage him." "He'll bore you to death." "I can't imagine." "See?" "You've been out of the circuit too long." "He was married at 1 9, and after 20 years, she split on him." "My wife-- ex-wife-- had other ideas about... what she thought her life should be like." "And I wasn't included." "Drop the violins." "This is a night for the future." "Isn't that right, sweetheart?" "[ Gasps ]" "I have to go..." "to the ladies room." " I'll come with you." " No." "I'd rather go by myself." "Feisty little wench, but I like that." "Calling somebody we know?" "You." "So we can talk, and I won't look like a lunatic." "Where have you been?" "I've been with Beeks." "She says I'm gonna need five years of analysis... before I'll be able to deal with you as a-- a woman." "I'm not a woman!" "That's what I keep telling myself." "Al, I'm ruining Samantha's life." "I just slugged her date with my purse for grabbing my knee." "He grabbed-- That dirty dog." "Would you stop that?" "When am I gonna get outta here?" "When you stop Gloria from committing suicide." " Which is?" " Tonight." "I didn't really think that talking to a woman after all these years... would be so easy, so comfortable." "Some of it has to do with being lucky enough to find a woman with your sensitivity." "I wasn't going to go out on this date." "Ever since Edith asked me to move out," "I've locked myself away in my tiny apartment, angry at the world." "Tonight I don't feel angry at all." "That's because of you, Gloria." "I'm glad I came." "I just wanted you to know that." "I was wondering if" "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "Sure." "Big guy, I think we got us a couple of hot ones." "Mrs. Wright?" "Yes?" "We haven't met." "My name is Gloria." "Gloria Collins." "Oh, yes." "Mrs. Davenport is sponsoring you into theJunior League." "No." "Buddy's Gloria." " His new secretary?" " No." "I just wanted you to tell you that I know how difficult... it's going to be going through the divorce." "And I'm going to do everything I can to make it easier on the children." "Sit down, Miss..." "Collins?" "I'm going to try to do this as gracefully as possible." "Buddy and I have an arrangement." "He has his personal life, and I have mine." "Now, whatever lies my husband has obviously told you, he will never divorce me." "Buddy is far too egotistical to give up the status... he acquired when he married me." "And if he ever tries, I will strip him to his shorts." "My advice to you, dear, is to quietly close your hope chest on this one, and try someone else's husband." "Good-bye, Miss Collins." "You will forgive me if I don't shake your hand." "[ Sobbing ]" "[ Sam ] What happens tonight that sends her over the deep end?" "There's no data on that." "All we know... is that on October 1 6,1 961," "Gloria Collins committed suicide by" "Samantha!" "Bye, Mom." "Gloria left." "[ Together] What?" "I don't know what happened." "We were talking." "She excused herself and went to this table in the next room." "She was talking to a rather attractive woman, and after a minute or so, Gloria got very upset and she ran out." " Do you know them?" " Unfortunately." "[ Al ] This is it, Sam." "Hari-kari time." "Is there anything I can do?" "Pray." "[ Thundering ]" "[ Crying ]" "[ Thundering ]" "Gloria, it's Sam." "I'm comin' out." "I just wanna talk to you." "Go away." " I can't." "You're my friend." " Then let me do this." "It's my choice." " Suicide is not a choice." " Neither is living." " Why not?" " I love him, Sam." "Even realizing what a fool he made of me, I still love him." "I can't pretend I don't." "I can't pretend the pain I feel isn't real, and it'll go away tomorrow." "Suicide won't change that." "It'll end it." "[ Sobbing ]" "So will time." "Only, it'll give you a second chance." "You're not the first woman to love the wrong man." "It doesn't matter anymore." "Gloria, Buddy's not worth dying over!" "[ Thundering ]" "Is that what I'm doing?" "That's what he'll think." "And he'll be right." "He'll think you're killing yourself over him." "Do you want to give him that?" "No." "Give me your hand." "Come on, now." "Nice and slow." "Oh." "Easy." "Aaah!" "It's all right." "It's all right." "Sam!" " Kick your shoes off!" "." " I can't!" "Grab my leg and kick 'em off." "That's it." "Don't look down!" "Oh, my God!" "Look at me!" "Put your left foot toward me." "Slide it real easy." "Aren't you gonna" "Keep comin'." "Crawl over me." "No!" "It's the only way." "Just do it." "[ Screams ]" "Hang on!" "Ah." "Ah." "[ Screams ] Grab my arm!" "[ Gloria ] Hold on!" "I've got you!" "I made you some warm milk." "My mom used to bring me warm milk on rainy nights." "Moms know best." "I don't know about that, Sam." "She used to tell me that... someday a Prince Charming would come along, and we'd get married and buy a beautiful house... and have a couple of kids." "She really blew that one." "You're not exactly an old maid." "It's not gonna happen for me." "I've been waiting for nine years, and it's just not gonna happen." "Is that what you've been waiting for?" "For a man to come and take you away?" "Why do you think I'm in the secretarial pool?" "I thought it was because you enjoyed what you were doing." "I hate it." "But that's the only place you can meet eligible guys." "Like Buddy?" "Gloria, you can't use your job as an excuse to meet guys." "I can't spend the next 30 years in the secretarial pool either." "Then get out." "And do what?" "Whatever you want." "I" " I want" "What?" "I want to design cars." "[ Chuckling ] Then do it." "Right." "I'm gonna go into the office Monday morning and say," ""Excuse me, but I have an art degree and that qualifies me for the design program."" "Why not?" "Because." "There's never been a woman in the program." "Well, then, you'll have to be the first." "Do you know how hard that would be?" "Yeah, I think I do." "And you know what?" "You're gonna have to be twice as good just to be considered an equal." "I don't know if I can do that, Sam." "I don't know either, but you gotta try." "You have got to be what makes you feel good about yourself." "And then what?" "And then maybe you'll like you." "Because if you don't like yourself, Gloria, no one else will either." "Except guys like Buddy, and you're not that desperate." "I was tonight." "Thank you." "Oh, I hope when the right guy finds you, he realizes what a good woman you are." "Why don't you get some rest?" "Good night, Sam." "Good night." "Ah!" "Hi, cutie." "You look great in powder blue." "I'm gonna put a bell around your neck." "Where were you?" "I was with Tina." "I thought you were having problems with Tina." "I was but Beeks fixed that." "She got me to accept you're my best friend, and love is part of friendship." "Once I believed that, I took Tina up to a little cabin in the mountains and" "Well, you know." "Yeah." "I know." "We ever gonna be the same?" "Course we are, as soon as you leap." "Why haven't I leaped?" "[ Beeping ]" "Gloria's not gonna try again, is she?" "Uh, no, no, no." "She's gonna marry, uh, Parker." "The little guy?" "The guy she met tonight?" "Yeah." "They're gonna have a couple of kids." "They're gonna move to California." "They're gonna raise avocados." "I thought I started women's lib." "Hmph." "Well, you did in a way." "Gloria talked Samantha into joining the design program with her." "It turned out Samantha had the real talent." "She ended up heading the entire division." "Oh, and get this." "She adopted a little girl... and started one of the first organizations for single parents in the country." " She never married?" " No." "What a waste." "I'm really confused now, Al." "If Gloria's okay and Samantha's emancipated, why haven't I leaped?" "Ziggy has a fascinating theory about that." "He says you want to get even with Buddy... for chasing' you around the office and makin' you wear lipstick." "Revenge?" "Oh, come on." "I'm not leaping because I want revenge?" "Very... female." "[ Sam Narrating ] Al was right." "I wanted revenge." "So I slipped into Samantha's spiked heels, put on the most revealing dress I could get my... hairy chest into, and was ready to give Buddy a lesson in sexual harassment he'd never forget." "You wanted me?" "How's Gloria?" "In Ann Arbor, visiting her mother for a few days." "You know, she gave me quite a little upset Saturday night." "Well, that's because Gloria doesn't know how to play the game." "And you do?" "What do you think?" "[ Chuckles ] I knew it all along." "[ Laughs ] Yeah." "I had you figured from the start." "I did." "All of that playing hard to get in the secretarial pool... didn't have me fooled for one second." "It didn't?" "Nope." "You were just waiting for the, uh, "Wright" man." "Was I?" "All that coy, "Oh, I don't date married men."" "That was just a smoke screen." "Right, baby?" "You know me so well." "Buddy, there's, um-- there's just one thing you don't know." "Tell me, baby." "[ Whispering ] I'm a man." "What?" "I'm a man, a male, a person of the masculine gender." "What are you talking about?" "You're trying to make it with a man." "[ Laughs ]" "No way." "Not with this body." "Bodies can be deceiving." "You can't be a man!" "Why, because I turn you on?" "W" " Yeah." "Um, ah" "I-I-I mean, no!" "No." "Oh, no!" "I" " I, uh" "You, you were a, uh-- You mean you had a" "Y-You did a ChristineJorgensen?" "No, no." "I didn't say I used to be a man." "I said..." "I am a man." "And I'll prove it to you." "No!" "If you look closely, you'll notice that I walk like a man." "I stand like a man." "And I know things that only a man can know." "Like what it feels like to get kicked in the crotch, how the pain just keeps growing and growing." "And then that wonderful sensation when it finally subsides." "Or what it's like to walk around high school with your books in front of you... to cover up an embarrassing case of pubescent hormonal overload." "You had a brother?" "Does a brother tell his sister what he did looking at his first centerfold?" "No, you stay away from me." "I thought I turned you on." "I don't have time for this stupid game." "Speaking of games, why don't I show you how I throw a baseball." "Or better yet, how I throw a punch." "Not yet." "Not yet." "[ Sighing ]" "[ Sighing ] I'm ready to leap now." "# [ Holds Note ]" "[ Applause ]" "Oh, boy."