"_" "_" "Time to go to sleep, my darlings." "So you can get up bright and early and see what Santa has brought you." "Christmas is boring!" "Yeah, Christmas is boring." "I wish it was sled day." "Well, it's not always boring." "Do you remember the story of the terrorist mall Santa?" "North Pole" "Santa will return in 10 minutes" "I haven't seen this many ugly sweaters since I went to the Cosby show convention." "Man, I can't wait to see Santa!" "Is he here?" "I haven't seen Santa in at least a year, now!" "You know it's not really Santa." "I mean: why would Santa come to the mall?" "Of course that's the real Santa." "This is Santa's favorite mall." "We talk all the time...." " Piper, you at the mall yet?" "This place is a nuthouse." "I guess I'm not the only one who waited all the way till the day before Christmas to do all her shopping!" "Oh, keep your eyes open." "For a Petey the Pitbull doll." "My uncle Jerry really wants one." "Actually that was a lie." "I really want one." "Will do." "That Petey the Pitbull doll is the hottest toy this Christmas." " They're selling on eBay for thousands." " Yeah, thanks for reminding me, Trent." "I'm glad we're leaving those earpieces in for the holiday season." "I mean, it makes it easier for everybody to help each other out." " Santa really likes it when we help each other." " Look, kids, this trip to the mall is special, let's keep it special." "I really need to get away from you two." "I gotta go to the bathroom, to try waterboarding in the mirror." ""In the mirror"." "Oh, that's a good one." "Excuse me, security." "Did someone already say "Merry Christmas" ?" "Everybody down!" "... ." "Ontheground!" "SECURITY" "Extinguished electricity!" "Lock down the mall." "Tonight's going to be a very merry Christmas!" "It's also the fifth day of Hannukah." "This isn't about Channukah!" "NTSF:" "SD:" "SUV:" "Season 3 Episode 12" ""Wreck the Malls"" "... ," ".   ." "What's happening, Uncle Alphonse?" "Nothing, it's Just Santa." "Ladies and gentlemen!" "Ladies and... gentlemen." "For years, the San Diego Mall has fed on the greed of the common man." "Tonight, we shall teach them a lesson ..." "in consumerism, and you shall all be witnesses." "The mall is completely locked down." "Everyone stay put, and nobody gets hurt." "It's OK, kids." " Santa Claus!" "You made it!" "Hey, can I be the first one to sit on your lap?" "Hey, wait a minute ..." "No!" "OK, everyone calm down." "I'm in contact with someone inside." "I need a Petey doll!" "I need a Petey doll, too." "OK, sister?" "Piper, Cherokee and Jericho are being held hostage in the mall." "Yeah, Trent, and I'm locked outside with a crowd of civilians," " So, an agent alone." " Ah, but what a surprise." "I've known Santa Claus all my life; maybe I can reason with him." "No!" "Am I interrupting something?" "No, Alphonse!" "What are you doing!" "?" "Look, I know you are not just a bunch of dumb schmucks who came up here to lift a few gold chains." "You are very perceptive." "You are here to negotiate?" "Am I right, Santa?" "Bubbe!" "I'm your "white knight"." "Wayne Knight?" "Newman?" "The guy from Seinfeld?" " No, in a manner of speaking." " You were saying?" " I'm your "white knight"." " My "white knight"?" " It's what my people say." " a hero." " Never heard." "What do you want, man?" " If one and a hero..." "Oh, Santa, it's not what I want." "But what I can give you." "I happen to be in touch with the head agent of NTSF:" "SD:" "SUV:" "Maybe you've heard of him..." "Trent Hauser." "Damn, Alphonse!" "You Alaskan idiot." "How is it you are in contact with him?" "We all have inner ear transmitters" "Hit him with the candy cane." "Wait, wait, wait." "Alphonse did what?" "Unbelievable." "This is too embarrassing for a bedtime story." " You're telling me!" " Keep going!" "Ok, but shut your mouths so I can finish the story, and open up a bottle of Chardonnay, and polish off that gingerbread house." "Anyway, daddy was at the gift wrapping station, getting items to kill some elves..." "Hey, "Jingle Bells"!" "Over here!" "Looks like you choked on some ribbon." "Sir." "This just arrived for you." ""To Santa Claus from Trent Hauser," "NTSF:" "SD:" "SUV:"" "Bring him!" "Trent Hauser... can you hear me?" "Hello, Santa Claus, I see that you gpt my gift." "Next time, leave a gift-receipt." "Why?" "So I can return it?" "Doesn't make any sense." "What kind of game are you playing, Trent Hauser?" "Only some last-minute Christmas shopping." "You are but a minor inconvenience to me." "I'm so excited, to be ruining your children's Christmas by having my elves kill you." "It takes a lot more than my death to ruin Christmas for my kids." "I missed..." "I missed some of the last part." "Trent:" "I said..." "I'm not getting it." "Move him." " 00:05:33,917" " Hello?" " Hello?" "That should keep you going for the next 2 weeks." "I can't take it any more!" "C'mon, let's riot!" "I want in, and I wa" " Daisy?" " You bet your sweet ass!" "I want in, and I want it right now!" "Right, everyone?" "You think I have a sweet ass?" "Daisy... hey, I've got this under control." "Oh yeah?" "Do You?" "Well, who put you in charge anyway?" "It was the will of the people." "I don't remember voting for you." "I'm taking over." "Come on!" "Who's with me?" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Who's with me?" "Let's go!" "All right!" "All of you!" "N T S F [unintelligible]" "Chew on that." "Hubba Bubba." "Hmm, gumball." "Poison gumball!" "This will be a silent night; because you're dead." "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Good to see you!" "You escaped..." "I am proud of you." "How many terrorists did you kill?" " Three." " Ehh.." "They're heading down to the loading dock." "I'll go and check it out." "Daddy, is this what Christmas is about?" "I'll tell you what Christmas is about:" "Christmas is about spending time with your family, like your mom and dad, but just not at the same time." "It's about working through your differences and bringing people together for a common purpose." "Christmas is about loving your fellow man," "Or in the case of Santa Claus and his elves, killing them." "Christmas means forgive those that you fought, and helping those who are less fortunate." "Christmas means learning important life lessons, but, let's have your mom deal with that." "Now, go and find some place to play;" "I'll go kill some guys." "Oh, and one more thing." "Don't play with the dead elves." "They're not toys." "Look at all of the Petey the Pitbull dolls." "They're gonna be worth a fortune on eBay." "Piper, I'm in the loading dock." "I need your help." " Hold on, people." "I can't hear Trent!" " Piper!" "I'm leaving without you." "I told you to shut up!" "Hey, Santa, you didn't know if I was sleeping or awake." "Well if it isn't the Ghost of Christmas Past, Trent Hauser." "Trent, let's settle this man to man." "Just us." " TRENT:" "Alright, you're on." " SANTA:" "Elves, do not interfeere." "Prepare to get 'sleighed' by my ten flying fingers!" "The time has come." "All those boxes are filled with Petey the Pitbull dolls!" "Go!" "Go!" "Trent Hauser, you were not good, for goodness' sake." "Hey, everyone!" "Santa has more Petey the Pitbulls in his belly!" "Get 'em!" "And that's how your father saved Christmas, just a few hours ago, today." "Right." "It happened to us, today." "Wow, they turned that into a book so fast." "Mom, what's the point of this story?" "Don't trust anyone you love, and don't love anyone you trust." "Merry Christmas, my darlings."