"What happened 150 years ago today sounds like a legend." "This lovely Thursday in 1845 was awakened by the kisses of warm sunshine at exactly 6:53 a.m. Central American Wild-West time." "The aroma of horse droppings as fresh as daises was in the air." "And this morning, the yearning of the Apaches was finally answered after 20 years." "Its a boy!" "An Apache heir was born!" "I have another one." "The succesion was ensured." "And it is a boy!" "Watch the birdie!" "This was the biggest day in the life of the most noble of chiefs, who here does not want to be recognized." "He called his sons Winnetouch and Abahachi." "The twins grew strong and did much together in the fresh air." "They were inseparable, even on weekends and holidays." "To this day, the harmony in the chief s family is legendary even beyond the lands borders." "Thats enough!" "You think you can do whatever you want, you little shitters?" "!" "I won't let you treat me like an idiot anymore!" "I want to see respect, respect, respect!" "At the age of 16, Winnetouch and Abahachi were enrolled in Kiowa Houghschool, where they would prepare for the harsh life of an Indian." "Abahachi took the more practical courses, such as..." ""Looking in the distance"" ""Collective Fire Making"" "and of course..." ""Running Away!"" "Winnetouch showed greater interest in the arts:" ""Painting"" "weekly music lessons... and of course "Physical Education"." " Off-sides!" " Shut up!" "His choice of sportswear was in most cases not an optimal one." "Over here!" "The whole time I've been free!" "One day, Abahachi was overwhelmed by a strange and unknown sensation." "He immediately sought out the medicine man because he thought he had the measles." "However, the diagnosis was:" "Uschi." "Abahachi was head over heals in love!" "Oh, so adorable!" "Oh, so angelic!" "Comes the glory of..." "Ursula!" "Call me Uschi!" "No, not now!" "Oh, Ursula!" "Oh, Ursula!" "You're so wonderful." "Though you see me barely in the light, could you see us going out tonight?" "But... you know I can't!" "Yet Abahachi did not give up." "And, so he taught the woman he adored how to identify tracks." "Brown bear?" "Incredible!" "True!" "Abahachi was certain that, once he grew up, he would take Uschi for his wife." "Until then he would spend his time engaging in his favorite activity... hiding Uschi's clothes!" "The best thing was that Abahachi could win whenever he wanted, because of Uschi's poor vision." "Of course, this is what they were up to the night before the infamous concert." "Oh, no!" "Abahachi's grandfather was giving one of his legendary open-air concerts." "Abahachi was the happiest grandson in the world whenever his grandfather returned from a long tour." "They'd go hunting together and talk about everything that men find amusing." "Gray Star was very wise." "It was he who taught Abahachi that it was important to divide and share." "He said, "Always remember Moses." "He even divided the sea for his people."" "Hellas!" "May I join you?" "Of course he could." "And so a young Greek named Dimitri entered into Abahachi's life." "Then something extraordinary happened that would change history forever!" "On June 17, 1861, during a concert, Grey Star spontaneously invented a new move... the so-called "Stage-Dive"." "Only the audience was not yet ready for it!" "On his deathbed, Gray Star entrusted Abahachi with... the last great secret of the tribe." "The grief over the sudden death of Grey Star was great." "Abahachi found solace with his friends and sweetheart." "Together they gathered to pay last respects to his grandfather." "Abahachi, with Ouzo in your bloodstream, you can pee like a racehorse!" "It is drunk by man, it is guzzled by hound, tonight it is going the other way round." "I must urgently divide something with you all!" "One for you... and one for you..." "This would be the last meeting of the four friends for quite some time." "One year later, in 1862, when Abahachi in the middle of his morning sneaking and slithering excercise a pale face from the South named Ranger saved his life at an ungated railway crossing." "Hey!" "Watch out!" "According to Indian custom, they now had to become blood brothers." "They had no choice." "Abahachi and Ranger did what tradition demanded of them." "Ow!" "Are you crazy?" "THE SHOE OF MANITOU" "Watch it, curve!" "Shut it!" "I've been taking this route for 40 years." "Blunt arrow!" "Sharp arrow!" "Foreigners!" "In the face of Abahachi are written sadness and pain." "Dark clouds gather over the country where the Shoshone now live." "Here we go again!" "Abahachi and his white brother Ranger say "how" to Slinking Lizard, Chief of the Shoshone." "Stinking." "What?" "His name is Stinking Lizard." "Abahachi brings the dead son of Shoshone Chief." "Abahachi is a murderer!" "Now, wait!" "There is a big misunderstanding!" " Yes, very big!" "Tie them up!" "What is that you carry in your arms?" "Is that a puppy?" "Where is my gold?" "What?" "So, er, well..." "Where is my gold?" "Let him finish speaking, asshole!" "Shh, are you crazy!" "Well, I'm right!" "OK, the story goes like this:" "We had an appointment with a real estate agent from Wyoming." "I had seen his ad in the newspaper." "The listing said quote:" ""New saloon in quiet location, no deposit, immediate occupancy."" "I knew immediately that this was the new pub for my tribe." "The agent's associates seemed very professional as well." "I did not want to miss this bargain so I borrowed some of your gold." "Indians!" "Greetings!" "Right on time, as is expected of a Shoshone, your son Rabid Rabbit, delivered the Shoshone credit." "Everything was going splendidly." "Greetings." "So, you're the nancy-boy!" "Right!" "Er, introductions..." "Rabid Rabbit, Santa Maria." "Santa Maria, Ranger." "Ranger, Santa Maria." "Ranger, Rabbit, son of the chief of the Shoshone." "Sho.." "Sho.." "Shoshone!" "The deal was perfect!" "I was the proudest Indian in the world!" "So: 15 year loan, due monthly." "Annual 35.8% interest, plus taxes." "Yes, that's right!" "What did he say?" "I do not know exactly." "He has a really thick accent." "Abahachi?" "Yeah?" "They even gave us a free bottle of firewater!" "Congratulations!" "Congratulations on the new pub." "This is on the house." "I hereby christen you... er..." "Apachen-Pub." "Apachen-Pub." "Well, I'd complain about that." "I have to go!" "A good weapon." "Congratulations!" "For what?" "Nice door!" "You're never satisfied!" "Always bitching!" "Evening BBQs, cosy get-togethers, Indian seminars in your own saloon." "I said nothing about seminars." "The end." "Done." "Wave the white flag." "Where am I going to find a white flag out here?" "Every Indian carries a white flag, except for you, of course!" "Suddenly it was quiet... too quiet." "The real estate agent from Wyoming and his associates had completely vanished." "Only your son remained, lying on the grass!" "I was wondering how he could sleep with all that noise." "Hey, they're gone." "I don't think he cares." "Why?" "He's... er..." "We paid our last respects to Rabid Rabbit." "Can't you do anything right?" "The truth is..." "The man who cheated my tribe out of its new pub, is also the murderer of your son." "On top of that, he also stole your gold!" "What is the name of this man?" "Santa Maria." "You steal gold from the Shoshone!" "You kill my son!" "And, now you slander a friend of my tribe!" "How right you are, Slinking Salamander." "Unbelievable!" "They killed your son!" "No!" "Do not believe him!" "Santa Maria speaks with forked tongue." "When the sun has defeated the moon, the Shoshone will send Abahachi and his white brother to the eternal hunting grounds!" "Stinking Lizard has spoken!" "Insanely clever!" "An Apache in a pickle." "Abahachi." "Ranger." "Hombre?" "I am calling it a day." "Do me a favor and keep an eye on these two tonight." "I want to see how they will die tomorrow." "Alright, boss." "You..." "What is it?" "I'm sorry." "Why?" "Thing are going great." "We each have our own pole, and starting tomorrow we will have no more problems." "Well done, Abahachi." "Don't be that way." "Don't be that way." "I've had it!" "The same crap for 16 years." "Every other day, we're tied up somewhere!" "Shh!" "Not so loud!" "It's not their business." "What's wrong with you lately?" "I am just not happy with our overall situation!" "Why?" "Are you aware of how we spend our days?" "Sneaking around for no reason, reading endless trails, and pointlessly riding side by side!" "You call that riding?" "What's wrong with my riding style?" "It's not riding, it's animal cruelty." "Oh, bite me!" "If I could!" "Abahachi!" "Quiet out there!" "Shut it!" "Or I'll call the cops!" "Goddamn it!" "I got a shitload of appointments tomorrow, and you idiots won't let me sleep!" "Lighds out!" "Light is spelled with a "T"!" "Did you hear that?" "A man got hit in his private parts with a rock." "I added a stone to his family jewels." "Look--the guard's asleep." "What did you say?" "The guard's asleep." "No, before that." "You said something about jewels." "It was just a play on words!" "No, it was not just a play on words, it is the answer to our problem." "I have one!" "I totally forgot about it." "You have what?" "A big jewel!" "An old family treasure." "Sure, suddenly you have a treasure." "That does not help us anyhow." "It does." "We can use it to pay back the Shoshone." "Abahachi..." "We are still charged with murder." "We have to prove that Santa Maria is the real killer of Rabid Rabbit." "That's true." "Besides, I only have part of the treasure map." "Sometimes I think you do this on purpose!" "When I was little, my grandfather Gray Star often took me hunting." "He always stressed how important it is to divide things." "I divided everything." "18 by 9!" "13 by 7!" "16 by 5!" "17 by 8!" "My grandfather affectionately called me his Least Common Denominator." "Many summers passed." "He was on his deathbed when he gave me a treasure map." "And you divided it!" "Yes into four." "Who has the other three parts?" "I do not know, I was drunk." "Well, I do remember one clearly." "Well, thank Go..." "Who did this?" "Who cares." "Let's go!" "Okay." "Well done, Hombre." "I am almost proud of you." "Follow them, but be discreet." "I'll stay here with Jim and John so that Chief Ticking Toad doesn't get suspicious." "We'll meet up tomorrow at the camp." "Ok, Boss." "Hombre?" "We are a first class team." "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "Oh God, this is terrible!" "That does not look good, boss!" "It was a cowardly assassination." "Now they will have to answer for the death of Real Rabbit." "This means war!" "Well, I have to go now." "Jim, John." "One should always quit while one's ahead." "Well then, farewell." "See you!" "Dig up the war hatchet!" "We do not have one." "We have no war hatchet?" "We did have a cheap one, but it is broken." "So, what else can we dig up?" "Well, we have a folding chair!" "Dig up the folding chair!" "What is it?" "I smell something!" "It wasn't me!" "There!" "The Shoshone are sending smoke signals!" "So what do they say?" "They are after us." "And they dug up the folding chair!" "They've completely lost it now, huh?" "The chief of the Apache must die!" "Fetch the horses!" "We don't have horses." "But I had one at one point?" "!" "Yes, but sadly it... shrank in the wash!" "What kind of place is this?" "We'll find the second piece of the map down there." "And?" "What are we waiting for?" "Well, there's something you should know." "My white brother needs to be strong now." "Abahachi!" "My brother!" "Quick huggies!" "My, this is a surprise!" "I wasn't expecting company." "I haven't tidied up." "And who is this handsome young man you brought for me?" "Won't you introduce us?" "Welcome to Powder Pink Ranch." "Twin brother Winnetouch, blood brother Ranger." "Blood brother, twin brother." "Another brother!" "Asshole!" "Unfortunately, I have no diet sweetener." "Anyway..." "A Peach Fizz with no fire-water." "And, for our little patient, a Piña Colada." "Or, would you prefer Prosecco?" "So to us!" "We'll never meet again this young." "Cheers!" "I am sooo curious." "Tell me, how did the two of you meet?" "Yeah!" "Well, Ranger was a greenhorn." "Oh, a greenhorn?" "Then he saved my life." "After that we decided to become blood brothers." "With the bloodletting?" "Yes." "My, you two are butch." "But, you always were such a nutcase." "You know, Ranger, that's exactly why Abahachi became chief... although I was first in line having been born two minutes earlier." "I resigned voluntarily." "With the silly screaming, and boom-boom-boom and arrows and shooting and all the noise..." "That's not my cup of tea." "I wanted to become a pearl diver, but I cannot hold my breath for very long." "And that's why I am now the proud owner of this beauty farm, the Powder Pink Ranch." "Do you like it?" "What?" "Like it?" "Yes, beautiful." "Winnetouch!" "We need your help!" "We're moving on." "Saddle up!" "We do not want to take off." "We are tired." "Who said that?" "John!" "John did!" "Yes!" "We heard him!" "So, you are tired?" "John?" "OK, John, take a nap." "Everyone else saddle up!" "Damn!" "Stupid prick." "John is an ass!" "Where are your manners?" "Good night, John!" "Ladies and gentlemen, my part of the treasure map!" "I knew I could count on you." "Well, I am somewhat of a pack rat." "I even kept all our old toys." "Including your little Apache doll tent." "You played with dolls?" "What?" "What kind of dolls?" "No dolls!" "And, can you see anything?" "Yes, but not enough." "Shame!" "What to do now?" "Let's drink to get over the shock." "Do you want another Lychee Lime?" "No thank you, Willy..." "Winnetouch!" "Say, Winnetouch, do you by chance recall who has the other two parts?" "Well, the Greek and Uschi!" "Right!" "Of course." "The Greek!" "Uschi!" "First you need to find them, and with the Shoshone breathing down our necks." "Wow!" "Crazy horse!" "We're interested in your crazy horse." "The pony and the folding chair shouldn't have been traded away!" "Stop your whining already!" "Chief, this squeaking is unbearable!" "Then let the men sing something!" "No!" "I will not wear that." "It's itchy!" "In that outfit, I will look like a mealworm!" "I'll explain it to you once more." "Ranger's going to Roswell City for Uschi." "I'm going to try to find the Greek." "And you..." "You will pretend to be me to shake the Shoshone off our scent." "But I smell nothing like you!" "True!" "If everything goes well, will meet in Thunder Valley at the bison's tooth under the linden tree, where the sun kisses the squirrel." "Oh, I'll never find that." "Wait!" "What if one of us suddenly gets a case of the measles?" "OK." "If anything goes wrong, we'll meet back here at the Powder Pink Ranch." "Everyone got that?" "Go there, wait for thunder, kiss bisons, ride here, ride there, ride away..." "Why don't we just stay here, and I will cook something tasty!" "I cannot fight and shoot, anyway!" "I'm afraid your, er... our brother needs a crash course." "Lesson I:" "Sneaking Up" "Of particular importance is the choice of greenery:" "Tree, bush, or just a branch." "Sneaking is best done on flat terrain." "Smooth, rhythmical movements make for quick and unnoticed progress." "Indians have stalking in their genes... though every Indian develops his own individual style." "Lesson II:" "Hand-to-Hand Combat" "The rule of thumb:" "lefties use the left fist, righties use the other one." "Careful targeting increases the chances of a hit." "Lesson III:" "War Paint" "War paint has a very long tradition." "Its main purpose is to scare the enemy." "Abstract masking often leads to incomprehension and intolerance." "Lesson IV:" "Horseback Riding" "Keeping an eye on the distance is mandatory for the athletic rider." "The horse is both a status symbol and a means of mobility in the Wild West." "Women riders are still a subject of much debate." "Lesson V:" "Peace Piping" "This is the symbolic act of reconciliation, also known as the "chill out" phase after battle." "Proper dosage is very important." "Too much of it, or the wrong kind, can often lead to undesirable side effects." "Last But Not Least:" "Marksmanship" "The ultimate of disciplines, bringing high tech into use." "Man and machine merge into one." "Chosing the proper weapon and caliber is crucial for a successful shooter." "We'll leave at sunrise!" "They are down there, boss!" "Good." "Don't let them out of your sight." "Post guards." " Post guards?" "Yes, post guards." "Post guards!" "Hombre..." "Make some coffee." "What's that?" "A hot, caffeinated beverage." "My father!" "He was still young back then." "Always in a good mood." "What a character." "You know, he learned French fluently." "From where?" "Beats me." "I inherited his long hair." "Who's this?" "That's Winnetouch." "In a leather stocking." "And this is Uschi." "Quite the half-breed!" "She left the tribe a while ago to become a singer in Roswell City." "What's that?" "Someone is making coffee." "Since when do Shoshone make coffee?" "Winnetouch, hide!" "They must not see us together!" "We're trapped!" "Surprise!" "What the hell is this is?" "This is my little secret tunnel." "It will take us straight into a bush." "Are you guys Shoshone?" "Indian!" "Indian!" "Quick, follow him!" "We'll get him!" "Yes, I'll cut him off!" "Don't let the redskin get away." "Don't shoot, we need him alive!" "My brother." "My brother." "What do you think why I pulled you over?" "Are you a photographer?" "Careful, young man!" "I don't have to do this friendly!" "Did you soup up that horse?" "It's my brother-in-law's horse." "And what's the reason for the hurry?" "Well, the Shoshone have unburied the folding chair." "The folding chair." "So, Mr..." "Ranger." "I'll need you to blow into this little tube here." "0,0 blood alcohol!" "Golly!" "Nobody managed to pull that off yet!" "Ride safe!" "Greetings." "I think I see a mirage!" "Dimitri!" "Abahachi!" "Bless you!" "It really is you!" "Look, friends, this is Abahachi, the famous Apache chief, warrior and blood brother of Ranger." "You'll be the hero in my new book." "Who's he?" "That's Karl May." "He is full of silly ideas." "Tell me, how did you find me?" "You're mentioned in the travel guide." "Let's have a drink to that!" "Not now." "I need to talk to you." "It's about our little secret." "Hellas!" "Are you talking about our treasure map?" "A book about an Indian treasure." "That's good!" "Where is the treasure map?" "Ranger has it." "Oh god." "I am tattling too much." "And where is that Ranger?" "Shopping!" "Listen up, Abahachi, Chief of the..." "Apache!" "Thanks, Hombre." "No problem, boss." "Glad to help." "Even my patience has its limits." "My men are mean, brutal, and very lonely." "They could hurt you really bad." "An Indian doesn't know pain." "We lack those enzymes!" "Okay, that's enough!" "Well, Abahachi?" "Will you tell us now where Ranger went?" "I give up." "You got me." "He went to meet Uschi!" "To The Uschi?" "Yes." "Now untie me." "I am not playing anymore." "No can do, Abahachi." "We still need you... as a hostage!" "You're soo mean!" "Hombre, you stay here and guard our chief." "If we don't return within two days, finish him off." "Alright, boss." "I'm warning you." "When you go to the restroom, you'll better sit down!" "One for beautiful Helene!" "How do the holes get in the cheese?" "Good question!" "Greetings." "You must be Ranger!" "The man with the southern twang." "Friend of the Indians, and founder of "Doctors Against Fire Arrows"." "What brings you to this godforsaken place?" "Do you know a woman by the name of Uschi?" "Oh yeah!" "You have... beautiful knockers." "Yes." "My grandmother liked big bells." "Great!" "Do you have a needle and some thread by chance?" "Oh!" "Yes." "Of course." "Here." "Well, now you're here." "Yes!" "Well, then I'll go now, then." "No, don't go." "I am... actually here for the treasure map." "Oh God!" "You do have a part of the map, right?" "Could you undo my choker?" "Yes, sure." "Don't talk about the map." "Come again?" "Do not talk about the map here." "Okay, then, I'll stand over there." "Anyway, two pieces of the map were already found by Abahachi." "The third one belongs to a Greek named Dimitri." "They are riding to him now." "And you have the last part." "So, the map is complete and everybody is happy." "Yes." "Now I am happy, too." "Hey, you guys didn't eavesdrop, did you?" "Ranger, I have to make a confession." "Abahachi is our hostage." "Wonderful, it was bound to happen." "And you, my little goldfish, will now tell me your sweet secret." "Where is your part of the map?" "Or..." "Do you want me to let my men loose?" "Hey, leave her!" "She has nothing to do with all this." "Take me." "On second thought, take her." "Oh, a beautiful rear can also endear." "Especially when it's worth gold." "Oh, well." "So!" "If you want, go get an ice cream, and then let's get back to camp!" "Then we moved cause they chased us out of our territories." "That is how we became backpacking Indians." "Originally I wanted to go to San Francisco and be a pearl diver." "But that's teeming with earthquakes." "Do you even know what an earthquake is?" "No worries, you didn't miss out." "Done, ready for the spa!" "And?" "Did we get through?" "!" "No, we need to try again!" "Uh-oh." "What's it?" "Apollo 13 is afraid of crossing the railroad tracks." "How come?" "His 12 brothers were all hit by big steam locomotives!" "There is only one cure..." "Ouzo!" "Oh, Dimitri, please!" "We have to keep moving." "There is not a train in sight." "See?" "Apollo 13 is a very intelligent mule." "Apollo 13, have you gone bonkers?" "Please, I beg you!" "Apollo 13, don't emarrass us!" "That is a really fast train." "Apollo 13, don't be so pigheaded!" "This might get a bit close." "Great, now we can finally move on!" "Dismount!" "We'll stay here for the night." "At dawn we'll move in on the Powder Pink Ranch." "Why the hell is the light on in my room?" "Boss, that's John." "Remember, you sent him to bed." "Oh, right!" "Isn't it great to come home knowing... there is someone waiting for you." "Smell of fresh coffee in the air, crispy fried bacon, and somewhere in the distance a wolf songs his lonely song." "What an asshole!" "John drank from my cup!" "John slept in my bed!" "John put my pen in his ass!" "Yes, that's John." "Did you know the Shoshones have a folding chair?" "No." "Yes!" "Oh..." "Do you see the full moon?" "Yes." "During the full moon, Abahachi and I would often go swimming, back in the day." "We hid each others clothes and laid little tracks." "He was always so caring." "He was always there provide comfort when the Little Beaver was bothering me." "And what happened to your Little Beaver?" "Became Big Beaver." "Chief of the Kiowa." "Ah, I see." "Uschi?" "Yes?" "Can you reach my left back pocket?" "Do you have a..." "Yes!" "Do you hear that?" "Yes." "They play our song." "Yes." "Where the heck is Ranger!" "He's usually on time!" "I hope he didn't get the measles." "Look." "There!" "Yet another shooting star." "Ah, now you can make a wish." "I'd like to be an Indian." "A real skinred." "Why?" "I mean, being Greek isn't bad either!" "It's not bad, but you know, even when I was a little Dimitri, that was my dream." "Ever since your grandpa Gray Star fished me out of the Mississippi river." "Me in that little basket, just about to go over that big waterfall." "It was close!" "I was a very happy little child." "Dimitiri, you were not a little child, you were 16." "And in the middle of puberty!" "I strongly believe it." "One day I'll be an Indian." "Not riding a mule anymore but a real horse." "Do you need a nutcracker?" "No?" "All right, men!" "Get up!" "Up, up, up, up!" "Get up!" "Jeffrey farted!" "Jeffrey let another one go!" "Good morning, men." "Everybody go take a pee, and then we ride!" "And... forward!" "Jim, John." "Come with me." "Dammit!" "Abahachi escaped!" "Kudos!" "No outside shoes allowed in here!" "Yes!" "Got another one." "Hombre is really great at diving for pearls!" "Get out!" "Turn around!" "Jeffrey farted!" "The damn lock is jammed." "Hands up!" "Yes!" "Drop your weapon!" "Feather!" "This... is... the... shoe... of..." "Ma-ni-tou." "The shoe of Manitou?" "Oh, no." "That was easy." "Hombre, you coming?" "We need to get going!" "Ranger!" "Just when you think the end is near, from the darkness, a light will appear." ""i" before "e" except after "c"!" "Hombre!" "Do you have a last request?" "Yes, the song from the Super-Perforator ad." "Come on, guys!" "Let's move!" "There is your light!" "They torch my house without even asking!" "Abahachi, please pass me your knife." " Aw, shit." " What?" "I must have forgotten it after whittling in the Thunder valley." "Why do Indians always have to whittle!" "Got a problem with my hobby?" "Nothing against your hobby, it's just about the knife!" "These do cost money, you know!" "Learn to watch for your stuff!" "Your sloppiness is driving me nuts!" "Yeah, you are driving me nuts, too, Ranger!" "Come on, spit it out!" "I am sick of it." "Always hitting on women..." ""Hey, pretty lady, would you like to get to know my bear killer?"" "Says the guy who used to play with puppets and can't even grow a beard!" "I do not need any beard!" "It's character that's important!" "Hah!" "Great character!" "Hiding women's clothes at night when they're bathing!" "So?" "I'll even admit it!" "At least women do go bathing with me!" "You would be lucky to share the same water with a woman." "Uschi would take a bath with me any time!" "Don't make me laugh!" "Would you stop it already!" "Before someone's crying!" "Oh, shut up!" "Hellas!" "Dimitri!" "There you are!" "Do you need a lift?" "I got plenty of room!" "I'm not getting into that!" "Walk, Jacqueline." "Slow, slow!" "Careful!" "Don't go so fast or you'll throw up again." "The shoe of Manitou!" "Soon I'll be the richest man in the West." "I could take you for my wife." "But what would your wife want with me?" "Nice and slow, Jacqueline, or you'll puke everywhere." "We'll never get there at this snail's pace!" "Nice and slow." "Go!" "Go, Jacqueline!" "Yes, yes, good, Jacqueline." "I've told them a thousand times that you have a sensitive stomach." "Let it all out, Jaqueline!" "Not through the nose." "Honey, I'll be right back." "That's what you get for your reckless speeding!" "Hombre!" "Oh, you should have emptied the ashtray earlier." "Well, you'll stay here and think about what you've done." "Jim, John!" "You guys come with me." "Everybody else stays here." "And pay good attention to my future bride!" "And don't give her any more cherries!" "Hey, Santa!" "Will you bring us a present?" "Yea, something exciting!" "Something to play with!" "And chocolate!" "Yes!" "Better to have an apple." "No ancient Indian guarding the treasure?" "That's unusual." "Hello?" "Cuckoo." "Cuckoo." "Cuckoo." "Ok, now get out." "Ok, now get out." "Ok, now get out." "Can I have a bite from yours?" "Mine is mealy." "Hellas, they are down there!" "Do you guys see Uschi?" "No." "I think we'll need a plan." "Want me to distract them again?" "OK, I'll go change again." "Alarm!" "Hellas y'all!" "Who the heck is he?" "No idea." "What's your business here?" "I am Dimitri Stoubakis, exchange bandit from Greece." "I am supposed to report to Mister..." "Maria Santa?" "This is a dead end, boss!" "They tricked us." "John?" "When do we usually have lunch?" "Around twelve." "Jeffrey farted again!" "Ranger!" "Uschi!" "How'd you find me?" "For first time... awesome!" "Stop it already!" "This is not helping!" " Winnetouch!" " Hombre." "I thought you were..." "No no!" "Bad weeds always thrive." "So, kids." "It is time for lunch." "It's clear!" "So very clear!" "The coast is very clear!" "So, I'd suggest we introduce ourselves." "I'm Dimitri Stoubakis, 30 years old." "I am a Virgo, and in my free time I like to build bird houses using only hand tools." "Do you have any hobbies?" "And why can't we come?" "Exactly!" "Who says... you're not gonna take off with the whole treasure?" "What was that?" "That was the sound of Santa Maria's Colt." "That's it." "Cover me." "I'm going in." "My brother!" "Yes?" "Take care!" "Ok." "Take cover." "Winnetouch!" "What's up?" "Cover!" "Come again?" "Just hide!" "Ok, I'll try." "Hello?" "Did I discover a darkroom?" "Get lost, stupid bat!" "It's such a mess... like the underside of a Sioux's sofa." "Thank God the lights are off again!" "Stop that!" "Are you crazy?" "Don't scare me like that!" "Say... what the hell are those things?" "Nothing!" "What are you guys doing here?" "I told you to keep cover!" "If it would not always take you so long..." "What?" "Yes!" "Everything takes you ages!" "You dawdle contantly!" "You're a dawdler!" "Uh-huh." "So, now I am a dawdler?" "!" "Ranger!" "Well, it's true." "Ask anyone." "Hear that?" "He's always provoking me!" "For years now!" "I don't have to take this anymore from a... from a... second-rate harmonica player!" "Oh, why don't you just get a haircut!" "You've got some nerve!" "Why don't y'all write down what you don't like about the other?" "There's number one." "He can't even write!" "Nobody in our gang can either!" "I don't need to write." "I have tracking skills!" "Great!" "That's a start!" "That is both the start and the end of it!" ""I can read tracks!" "I can read tracks!"" "Who's a good little tracker!" "Enough!" "I am not taking this any longer!" "And you call yourself blood brother!" "I'm not the one who started it all." "Don't blame it on me." "I always said, I need more time." "Yet, after only two weeks, he wanted to be blood brothers!" "Well, he probably felt strongly about it back then." "Is that so bad?" "No, we were young." "When you're a kid you do stupid things." "Stupid?" "!" "Stupid?" "!" "I can't believe this!" "Uschi!" "Uschi, did I hear "stupid things"?" "I wasn't paying attention..." "Yes, I think it was "stupid"." "So, being blood brothers is stupid?" "Okay, then we'll stop it." "Fine!" "I quit!" "Oh, dear!" "Me too, let's quit!" "Yeah, I don't care." "Me neither." "I don't need you." "Ok, in that case, I'd like my toothbrush back!" "Here you go!" "As I recall, you still have my peace pipe!" "Take it!" "Come, Uschi." "We don't need a Ranger!" "Abahachi, I..." "Yes, what is it?" "I cannot go with you." "What, why?" "Ranger and I, we're..." "That's exactly why we never allowed girls in our gang!" "I am so sorry." "Yes, but..." "Full moon..." "Swimming, hiding clothes..." "You always told me..." ""Abahachi, when we grow up, we're going to..."" "But 5-foot-5 is not grown up!" "I see." "So, it's the two of you now." "Well, then..." "I don't want to..." "Well..." "I wish you..." "I guess I'll go in alone, then." "I actually prefer it that way." "So, where is the entrance?" "Time to read some tracks!" "Aha!" "Just one left." "Abahachi!" "It was self-defense!" "You little slimy toad." "You think you can get away with anything." "Hombre!" "Not in that tone!" "I've stood by long enough." "There are going to be some changes around here from now on, buddy." "Ok, I'll put it back." "My brother!" "My brother!" "You're alive?" "His gingerbread heart saved his life!" "Yes, I'm alive!" "He's alive?" "Yes!" "Hombre!" "Don't make yourself unhappy!" "We're all a little stressed." "You've always been so good to me!" "You saved my life more than once, helped me with my divorces!" "You allowed me to lead a comfortable and carefree life." "Do you want to risk all that?" "Give me that necklace!" "Oh, that's what it's all about." "Why don't you say so, Hombre." "If that's all." "Woah!" "Crazy, isn't it?" "There you are!" "My, I had an experience!" "Look at that!" "That's supposed to face upwards." "Sorry!" "That doesn't look too bad!" "God be praised!" "The town is free, from this great rascality!" "These stains will never come out." "Oh..." "This is just a... dream." "This is our treasure!" "Mind if I put it on?" "Madame et Messieurs..." "Voila!" "Winnetouch?" "Where is everybody going?" "Quickly!" "Faster!" "Come on!" "Ever ridden one of these things before?" "Yes, but a different model." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Oh, noo!" "Everybody, duck!" "How much farther?" "I can't hold on any longer!" "Winnetouch!" "Faster!" "What is that?" "It's like nothing I have ever heard." "So beautiful." "Hellas!" "You have come to rescue me, yes?" "Indians!" "A classic downshow, if I am not mistaken..." "Come on, let's scram!" "Abahachi!" "Greetings!" "This time Abahachi won't escape!" "Yes, I have no need." "Winnetouch, would you come here please?" "Holy Manitou!" "Two times Abahachi?" "Hiya!" "Winnetouch?" "Give him the treasure!" "For heaven's sake!" "What?" "Gone!" "Oh, no..." "I expected nothing less." "Wha.." "What do you mean, "gone"?" "Vanished!" "Abahachi lies!" "Kill him!" "Hey, where did you get that?" "Fabulous Frog?" "Here is your gold!" "Santa Maria stole it from you!" "He also murderered your son." "I saw it with my own eyes." "But where is Santa Maria?" "Very well, Abahachi did not murder my son Rabid Rabbit." "But what about Real Rabbit?" "Oh, difficult." "I think I have something for you!" "Oh, you look absolutely lovely, darling!" "Thank you!" "Yes, you too." "But you may want to try horizontal stripes." "They would really accent your figure." "I'll go get some drinks at the Prosecco store." "I'll be back in a bit." "So, kids, it won't be much longer..." "Uschi?" "Yes?" "I think I know now where I belong." "Oh, Ranger!" "You know, I was thinking..." "Yes, I know!" "You and Abahachi must continue on!" "What?" "The country needs you!" "N-No, just wait a minute, er..." "I meant to say that you and I..." "The two of us now and the child..." "We..." "We're basically now a family..." "Nonsense!" "Family, shamily." "You must not shy away from your responsibilities!" "Out there waiting for you is your blood brother." "Together you'll fight for peace, freedom, and justice!" "Create national parks!" "Free the Afro-American inhabitants out there... from the shackles of slavery!" "So that one day, the first page of some history book will read:" ""This book belongs to Peter Miller, class 2C."" "I'll do all of that, but can you help me out of this?" "So, Ranger, would you come..." "Abahachi, could you give me a hand here?" "No!" "That'll be the day!" "You saved my life and gave a saloon to my tribe." "Dimitri, my brother!" "Abahachi, my brother!" "I am an Indian!" "Good evening." " Good evening." " Good evening." "What do you call the mayor of Wayhole?" " A-hole." " A-hole." "In 1879, Karl May publishes his first Wild West novel." "It's a bestseller!" "Later that year he returns to Germany and marries the daughter of a theater director in Bad Segeberg." "Bless you!" "A year later," "Frederico Enrico Nico Gonzalez Desperado del Torro-Hombre receives the Industrial Innovation Award for inventing the barbecue-ashtray." "Dec 24, 1879:" "Santa Maria's brother Santa Claus brings gifts for children to compensate for his brother's dastardly shenanigans." "1882:" "Winnetouch founds the designer label "Think Pink"." "There, finished." "Stinking Lizard is now Stinking Rabbit!" "Oh my, he can wear that..." "with his figure!" "On July 4, 1884, an Indian chief is arrested in New York wearing a rabbit costume." "He's deported to a reservation." "Only four months later, Stan Laurel was born." "All of that, Abahachi and Ranger never knew." "What do you say?" "Swing by the Grand Canyon?" "Yeah, while we're there we can create a national park for Afro-American immigrants." "What?" "Who?" "Do you know anyone?" "At all?" "I know more people than you." "Tell me, whom do you know?" "Well, Old Shatterhand, for example." "Well, everybody knows him." "As if you knew Old Shatterhand, you jerk!" "Why don't you ride somewhere else." "You go ride elsewhere." "I was here first!" "Uschi!" "Come on, we don't need no Ranger!" "Abahachi..." "Yes?" "I cannot go with you." "Why?" "You must be Ranger!" "The man with the squint!" "Shit!" "I need to show you something." "Later!" "Abahachi is a murderer!" "Hold on a sec!" "Big misunderstanding!" "Yes, very big!" "Chief, no, white palefaces... shit." "We got lucky with the weather, right?" "What are you doing?" "What should I be doing?" "Here's where your plan is wrong!" "And you can kiss my butt!" "I quote: saloon in mint condition, quiet fee... quiet location..." "Once again: we had an appointment with a realtor from Wyoming." "Shortly before I read his ad in the paper." "I quote: saloon in mint condition," "No fees... available immediately..." "Can't be!" "Cut!" "Did you hear that?" "A man got hit with a stone..." "But boss!" "It's John." "Remember, you sent him to bed?" "Ah, right!" "I am a clucking hen..." "I used to own a beauty farm." "Really quite cozy." "It could've done you some good." "And this is Uschi." "What a woman!" "Ow!" "You crazy?" "Final cut!" "Oh.." "My, oh my, oh..." "See, Jacqueline, that's what we get out of it." "So much effort and then they all just go home." "We're probably stuck with the cheesecake again." "It'll just be thrown out tomorrow." "It is a shame about the Prosecco." "They don't even know how hard it is to get a Prosecco around here." "Don't even mention the ice!" "And, if you don't have firewater, all hell let's loose." "They can't even throw their trash into the wastebasket, the loutish rascals." "Just like with the water-wings I got for Abahachi back in the day." "At first he had to have them." "But after two weeks, they just collected dust." "Say, Jacqueline, where are we anyway?" "Are we lost again?" "I think we need to turn left." "Easy, Jacqueline, no need to hurry." "Slow down, Jacqueline, or you'll vomit again!"