"Dude!" "What's your little brother doing here?" "Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten" "But isn't he only three years old?" "Yeah, but he's some kind of genius, so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten." "Ah poobed my pants." "But dude, check out my new Trapper Keeper!" "It has five different compartments for each subject in school." "And it's all covered with pictures from Dawson's Creek." "Cool!" "Hey, dudes, check out my sweet Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultrakeeper Futura 2000!" "Yeah, well, it's got ten different compartments for every subject in school, an electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, a better picture of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's," "flat-screen TV, and of course, On-Star." "Wow, cool!" "God-damnit, you only got that because you knew my mom would buy it for me!" "Oh, but you have a Trapper Keeper." "Oh, you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't you?" "Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase." "He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius!" "He's not a genius, he's a little douche bag." "Ah pooped my pants!" "He's smarter than you, fatboy!" "I don't even know how you made it into fourth grade!" "I thought" "Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out my annoying friend." "Please initiate music, country, high volume." "Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!" "Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy homeless guy on the bus." "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!" "But they smell like pee." "I am not a homeless personne." "I am a new fourth-grade studant." "You are?" "Yes!" "My name is Bill." "Bill Cosby." "Aren't you a little old to be in grade school?" "I was held back ten humon grades." "I mean, grades." "Do you companion-friends know Eric Cartman?" "Yeah, that's me." "Eric Cartman?" "!" "And you have a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S2000" "Yeahhh, you already know about it?" "Yes." "Yes I do." "Well! "Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"" "I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!" "Dude, do you really care if Cartman has something that's better than yours?" "No I don't!" "I don't care!" "Here, Kyle." "Hey, there he is." "That's the kid that's s'posed to be some kind of genius." "Yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten." "Come on." "So, you think you're smarter than the rest of us?" "Do you think you know more about the world just because you are only 3 and we're 5?" "Unkoo baba." "Okay, children, let's take our seats." "My name is Mr. Garrison." "And I'm the new kindergarten teacher." "I used to be the third grade teacher, but I had a little "nervous breakdown"" "and went into the mountains where I lived off of "rat carcasses"" "But I'm all better now, and the school was nice enough to let me go on teaching, as long as it was for kindergarten." "But it's not a demotion." "No." "I mean, just because a teacher was teaching third grade and now is teaching kindergarten, that's not a demotion, is it?" "No, that's right, it's not." "Well, let's start with role call." "Uh, let's see." "Filmore Anderson?" "Heoh." "Sally Bands?" "Here." "Alright, Ike Broflovski." "Cookah Monster." "Broflovski, I had your older brother Kyle in my third-grade class." "He's a very smart kid." "I'm sure you are, too." "Well that's bad news for everybody else, because I will be grading you all on a curve." "And so the other thing that makes my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically." "I can take something as simple as this calculator and..." "Trapper Keeper?" "Trapper Keeper active." "Hybrid with Wellington Bear Calculator." "Ready for hybrid." "And now it can use Wellington Bear Calculator, too." "May I hold your Trapper Keeper?" "Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby, because it is coded to the prints on my fingers." "If anybody but me tries to hold it, big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands." "Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman!" "Metal spikes will not come out!" "Oh really?" "Then, why don't you hold it?" "Well, go on, Kyle." "If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it." "Hold it." "I'm gonna!" "Hold it." "I will!" "Aaand that's how the relationship with my father sort of ended." "There's still some sort of skeletons in the closet, but things between us are a little better." "Okay, children, well now it's time for us to elect a class president, so first we must pick nominees." "Who would like to nominate someone?" "I nominate Filmore, because he's the smartest kid in the class." "Okay, Filmore." "You'll be our first nominee." "And who else?" "Yes, Jenny." "I gotta go doodie." "In a minute, Jenny." "Who else wants to nominate a class presdient?" "Oh, come on!" "You can't have an election with just one person running!" "What's the fun in that?" "Ike?" "How about you?" "You're a genius." "No." "Okay, our second nominee is Ike The Genius." "Okay, children, now we'll hear briefly from each nominee." "Filmore, why don't you go first?" "If I'm elected class president, I'll call for big ol' chairs." "And on Fridays, I'll add two minutes to nap time." "Thank you." "Very enthralling." "Okay, Ike?" "How about you?" "Cookeh Monsta." "Oight ...Well, this is gonna be a tough one, kids." "Oh, dude, here comes that weird new kid." "Aaahhh, hello Eric." "Can I be your humon friend?" "I mean, friend?" "I don't know, dude." "I'm not supposed to have any male friends that are over 30." "I kind of screwed on that once." "Please." "We can have fun and play games, like humon four square I mean, four square." "Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend, It doesn't work that way." "If you want to be my friend, you'll have to pay me." "Oh, I see." "Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones-- uh, I mean, human dollars!" "Eugh, I mean dollars!" "Okay, that's cool." "Can we play some humon tetherball?" "Ah, alright." "Pretty sweet, you guys, getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball with some" "Serve!" "Got it!" "Dude!" "He's running off with your Trapper Keeper!" "You son of a bitch!" "Wait a minute." "Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper homing device." "What the hell just happened?" "Damn!" "I thought fourth grade was gonna be different." "So that's six votes for Filmore and six votes for Ike." "And the last vote is for... uh, let's see." "Flora, I can't tell who you voted for." "You've got the winning vote, Flora." "Who d'you pick?" "I don't know..." "Flora, you have to pick one:" "Filmore or Ike." "Um, I vote for..." "I don't know." "Oh, great!" "Flora's undecided!" "Well, you're just gonna have to sit there, Flora, and think about it until you come up with an answer." "Okay." "Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go home." "No!" "You want Ike to be president." "We're gonna be here all night!" "Why don't you guys just concede?" "!" "Why don't you just concede?" "!" "Yeah!" "Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting like a bunch o' kids!" "Turn left here!" "We're getting close!" "Get your gun ready!" "Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for taking your school folder!" "It was NOT a school folder, it was a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S2000!" "And if-- There he is!" "Got ya!" "Hey!" "Whoa, dude!" "Aah, try to take my Trapper Keeper, will you?" "Please." "You do not understand." "Book him, Barbrady." "Another job well done." "That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!" "Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?" "Bill Cosby?" "Nooo!" "Listen to me!" "I am not really Bill Cosby." "My name is VSM471." "I am a cyborg engineered by humons from the year 2034." "Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!" "I have come to destroy that Trapper Keeper, because it was the Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to an Eric Cartman in South Park which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent superbeing, and destroys all of humonity." "In the year two thousand and four a hybrid-assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer." "From there it was able to slowly take over every computer in the world." "It became stronger and stronger!" "Until, by the year 2018 it broke away from mankind and there was nothing the humons could do." "It wasn't long before Mighty Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything as useless, including humons." "The nations tried everything to stop it." "Nuclear devices, seismic missiles." "But nothng worked." "The humons built robots of their own, whole armies of them" "But nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper Keeper." "And so finally, the humons decided to send one of their robots into the past to destroy the Trapper Keeper before it even got started." "Wow, that's amazing" "Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology and stuff grow too fast." "What do you think, Officer Barbrady?" "Huh?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I wasn't listening." "And so, Eric." "Now you see why we must destroooyy your Trapper Keeper." "...You guys." "Did I mention that it has a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?" "Cartman, it takes over the world and destroy all of humanity!" "What would you guys have me do, huh?" "!" "Walk around with just a plain old Trapper Keeper like Kyle's?" "!" "Is that what you want?" "!" "Yes!" "Aw, damnit!" "Here!" "Take it!" "You want my heart as well?" "!" "You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes!" "I decided." "Oh, thank God, Flora!" "Alright, who do you vote for?" "Uumm, Ike." "YAY!" "Okay, so then the total is six for Filmore and now seven votes for Ike." "Ike is the new class persident." "We want a recount." "What?" "Recount!" "Recount!" "Recount!" "Recount!" "Oh, of all the juvenile things I've ever heard!" "You LOST, Filmore!" "Don't be such a baby!" "Alright, alright, I'll count up the ballots again." "Okay, we had one vote for Filmore And this time, I again get six votes for Filmore and seven votes for Ike!" "Count them again." "Yeh!" "NO, children!" "I've recounted 106 times now and I keep coming up with seven to six!" "Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five, and one where it came out twelve to fourteen." "IT'S OVER!" "IKE IS CLASS PRESIDENT!" "Wait, there's still that absent kid." "Yeah." "If Carlos is absent, we have to wait for his vote." "Oh, will you grow up?" "!" "Absent kids count!" "Absent kids count!" "Jesus!" "Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow so the absent kid can cast his vote!" "Now go home!" "Good morning, humons." "Hey, Bill Cosby." "I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's Trapper Keeper." "I broke it apart, dipped the motherboards in acid, burned the memory chips, and sent the wiring to the four corners of Canada." "That should do it." "So what are you going to do with your crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?" "Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcernment." "I am still here, but I shouldn't be here." "If Trapper Keeper has been stopped, then I should not exist." "But here I am." "Something is still not right." "Hey, dudes." "Cartman!" "You still got a Trapper Keeper!" "Yeah, I'm a genius!" "Last night I went home and told my mom that I lost the last one." "Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a NEW one!" "So everything worked out." "Oh no!" "Cartman, you dumbass!" "You can't get a new one!" "Why the hell not?" "!" "Because if your Trapper Keeper takes over the world, then maybe it was THIS Trapper Keeper and not the one before!" "Wait... sso then you guys burned my last one for no reason!" "We will have to destroy this Trapper Keeper." "But I don't think I can get my mom to buy me another one." "Don't you get it?" "!" "You can't have ANY Trapper Keeper, fatass!" "Oh, that is bullcrap!" "And you know what I think?" "!" "I think this whole thing is a SETUP!" "That's right!" "Kyle got this guy to say that he's a robot from the future just because he's jealous of my Trapper Keeper!" "And you know what else?" "!" "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" "Cartman!" "Ech!" "Screw you guys, home!" "Well, that does it!" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "I'm afraid I have no other choice!" "For the sake of humanity I have to kill him." "Oh." "Okay." "Yeah, that's fine..." "No, wait!" "What?" "!" "Can I do it?" "Oh, well, I suppose..." "Sweet!" "Kiss your ass goodbye, fatboy!" "Wait!" "Perhaps there is another way." "If you could take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother." "Whoa." "Yeah, or we could just kill him." "Yeah, that'd be faster." "He's right there." "I'm afraid I can't." "I think I'm actually starting to feel what you humons call "compassion."" "It is an amazing feeling!" "Alright children, as you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in." "Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote." "Ms. Harris?" "Here." "Thank you very much, Billy." "Don't forget to pick up your lung." "Alright, the absent kid's ballot is for..." "Fillmore." "Yay, hooray." "Wait one minute!" "Oh, Jesus Tapdancing Christ!" "I think the ballot were misleading." "Some kids didn't understand whom they were voting for." "There's a box next to Filmore's name and a box next to Ike's!" "What's not to understand?" "!" "You're just saying that, 'cause you know you're gonna lose now!" "No, I'm saying that because you are a boogerface!" "Well, just you wait, 'cause myuh famous aunt is on huh way wight now." "Who's your famous aunt?" "My aunt Wosie, Wosie O'Donnell" "Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming here?" "Yeah, she's vewy active in politics." "So she's gonna set all this straight." "Oh no!" "Recharging." "Sweet." "You're so cool, Trapper Keeper." "I would never let those assholes take you away." "I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper forever" "The ways of my Trap " "Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb." "Oh!" "Cool." "Trapper Keeper, merging." "And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper." "Not now!" "Not ever!" "Right, because it will hybrid with all those other processors and generate a whole new era of technological darkness." "Correct." "Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore, then..." "Bill" "Good." "Now all that is left to do is destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has now." "Where is he?" "In his room." "But, why don't I show you the rest of the house first?" "Uh oh." "Here we go again." "Come this way, Billy." "Well, come on." "Let's go upstairs and get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves." "...Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper Keeper." "You kick ass!" "I don't wanna let my Trapper Keeper get " "Open up, Cartman!" "We're taking your Trapper Keeper!" "Screw you guys, screw you guys." "Screw you guys, scr " "Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb." "Damnit Cartman, open up!" "Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid." "Oh, sweet." "What's it gonna hybrid with now?" "Cartman, you might as well open up!" "We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust the door down after he finishes having sex with your mom!" "Cartman?" "He's not gonna open it!" "Break it down!" "You break it down!" "Okay." "Ready?" "One Two Three, Not it!" "Not it!" "You lose, Kenny." "(Damn!" ")" "...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!" "You ba" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah!" "What the hell is that?" "Oh my God!" "What is that thing?" "!" "Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom!" "Oh my God, it's awful!" "It's coming for the door." "Hello, kids!" "Aunt Wosie!" "Run for your lives, children!" "I'll try to fight it off!" "That's my aunt, Wosie O'Donnell." "Oh." "Oh, um." "Pleasure to meet you, Miss O'Donnell." "You're looking... well." "Don't worry kids." "Everythng's gonna be fine." "What's the problem?" "Aunt Wosie." "We think I won for class president." "No, Ike won." "Look, it's very simple." "We took a vote and the vote tied, so now we gotta come up with a way" "Well it obviously isn't that simple, is it?" "!" "I mean, you'd think a little kindergarten teacher could've handled this, but now we're gonna do it my way!" "We are Trapper Keeper." "Oh no!" "It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!" "Why is that bad?" "It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain that it was able to fuse into all defensive computors!" "Then we have to stop it before it gets there!" "Step on it, Bill Cosby!" "Hey Mark, look." "Wow." "That is about the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen." "Cartman, you have to stop!" "We are Trapper Keeper." "We are one." "A part of your friend must still be alive in there." "He is in there." "That must be what Trapper Keeper is using for ventilation." "If one of you could get in there, you could reach the CPU" "One-two-three not it!" "Not" " Aw, Damnit!" "What are you doing, Kyle?" "I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, Cartman." "I need to remove the CPU." "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle." "Screw you, fatass!" "Hey-eh, screw you." "Cartman!" "No!" "Okay, so then what we're going to do is count everybody's vote by hand, and after that, we're gonna go over the votes again manually, and then" "Oh, STOP IT, STOP STOP IHIHIHIHIT!" "Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten class together." "We have to respect one another or else we're in for a terrible school year." "We're just making sure that the kids that voted for my nephew don't get cheated." "Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew, so what about them?" "You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side!" "People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment!" "WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ON TV DOESN'T MEAN YOU KNOW CRAP ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT!" "NOW GET YOUR ASS BACK ON FIRST CLASS AND RESPECT THIS CLASS'S RIGHT TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS!" "...Oh, sorry I got a little off the subject, kids." "How dare you?" "!" "I will not be preached at by a country bumpkin!" "I'm leaving this podunk town, but in my place I'm gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and press than you have ever SEEN!" "Oh no, children, I think I've just made this a whole lot worse." "Well that does it!" "I'm gonna have to report this!" "Cargo on to base" "It is infusing with everything." "It is already too powerful to stop!" "Kyle's got to succeed." "He's just got to." "I can't reach the CPU." "What are you doin'?" "!" "Get out of my way!" "Oh no!" "Now there's two of those things!" "No, I think that other thing is Rosie O'Donnell." "Huh?" "Which one?" "I-It's just like I'm seeing double." "I said, get out of my way!" "Look!" "I think that infusing with Rosie O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick." "Oohh." "Bad pie." "Bad pie." "This is your chance, Kyle!" "Cartman has weakened!" "Got 'em!" "He did it!" "Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's side have agreed with the lawyers on Filmore's side to hold another meeting regarding Form 22F." "Do we all have that form?" "Is this the Kindergarten classroom?" "Jesse Jackson?" "That's right!" "I believe the African-American in your class were misrepresented!" "We don't have any African-Americans in our class!" "Oh." "Bye." "Alright, so apparently what we're gonna do now is hand-count each person's ballot" "Mistoreh Garrison, I concede." "You... yuh, you what?" "I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this game is stupid!" "Yeah." "It doesn't make any sense." "Ike, you could be class president." "I pooped my pants!" "Can we fingerpaint now?" "Fingerpaint!" "Fingerpaint!" "Ohuh." "Yes." "Yes!" "Let's fingerpaint!" "You did it, Kyle!" "Kyle saved your life, fatass!" "Look!" "I'm fading!" "It must have worked!" "I don't exist!" "Oh, that's a bitch." "Ogh." "Well, I guess everything's fine now." "So let's go home." "Hey!" "Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman!" "All you've been doing is making fun of Kyle and now he's saved your life!" "You at least owe him a thank you!" "Cartman!" "Alright, alright." "Kyle..."