"ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ALL CLAMORING]" "[♪]" "Well, Dad, this is it, it's the big day." "The joining of two souls, two destinies, two families." "In a little while your little girl will forever have my name." "Your family will be my family." "Isn't it amazing, Dad?" "I mean, we met in prison, we escaped together and I held you hostage in this very house." "Then I met Eunice." "Course it was just all passion at first, you know, Dad." "Heh, heh." "Just that blinding, crazy lust." "That wild animal frenzy, that torrid, lusty, passionate, passionate, lusty love." "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "Die!" "Come on, Dad." "Dad, come on." "Get a hold of yourself." "Hey, Dutch, you all right?" "Of course." "This is the happiest day of my life." "The joining of two souls, two families." "Why so glum, Colonel?" "My princess is marrying Dutch." "Dutch?" "Marrying Dutch is the most disgraceful thing" "I ever heard." "It is?" "Oh, thank you, Major, thank you." "Marrying Dutch." "Why, in my day the bride's father paid for the whole thing." "You... you ought to be ashamed of yourself." "Major..." "Never touch me again, you cheap little skinflint!" "Psst." "Psst." "Daddy." "Here." "Oh!" "Princess." "Oh, God!" "You look beautiful." "My little girl, look at you, all grown up." "Daddy, I'm not supposed to be down here, but I just wanted you to know how happy I am that you gave us your consent." "And I also want you to know, Daddy, that no man could ever totally take me away from you," "I'll always be your little girl." "All I want is your happiness, honey." "That's all I've ever wanted." "Now, Daddy, I know it's difficult for you, but please try and get along with Dutch." "He adores you, Daddy." "He thinks the world of you." "All he wants to do is please you." "Try, Daddy." "I'll try, so help me." "Thank you." "See you later." "Finished up your drink, Dad?" "Hi." "Hi." "How do I look?" "Uh, what?" "I've cried so much today," "I think my mascara is running into my pantyhose." "I don't blame it." "Are you Eunice's father?" "Oh, yes." "Yes." "I'm Annie Selig, maid of honor." "Annie!" "You were Eunice's roommate in college." "Yes, you remember me." "I remember you." "I don't remember you like that." "It's been a long time." "Yes, it has." "Well, I..." "I guess I should get back to the bride." "Why?" "Uh..." "I beg your pardon?" "Oh!" "Why, yes, yes, you should, of course, yes." "She's so lovely, she looks a lot like you." "Well, except for the gown." "You think I'm lovely?" "I think you're extremely handsome." "Well, I better be going." "I'll see you later." "When?" "Hello, dear." "Come on, Chester." "Chester, Burt and Danny were supposed to go and get the minister an hour ago." "Hey, everybody." "Oh, you're here, you're here!" "Thank God!" "Uh, so to speak." "I'll tell Eunice you're here." "Billy, Billy, come on, please." "Come on, help Mother." "Where have you been?" "We're starting any minute." "We had to get the minister." "Chester please, huh?" "We were stuck at a funeral." "Oh, took forever." "Some lady threw herself on the coffin." "It was already in the ground." "Now, I mean, honestly." "This is Reverend, uh..." "I don't know, so-and-so here." "Excuse me, listen..." "Hey, Dutch, listen, I know now that you're gonna be relatively happy." "Come here." "Here." "Right." "Guys, I have another funeral in half an hour." "Baptists, could take all week." "So could we get on with this?" "Oh, uh, yes." "Right away, Father." "I'm not a Father." "Priests are Fathers." "I'm a reverend, so you don't get to call me Father." "I think the collar sort of threw him." "Very astute." "And what are you, a nuclear physicist?" "He's the groom." "Lucky girl." "Come on." "Chester, for heaven's sake, are we ready?" "I guess we have to be, Jessie." "All right." "Billy, give me your arm." "Here we go." "Okay." "Daddy!" "Sorry." "[WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYING]" "MINISTER:" "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony," "If any person can show just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak or else hereafter hold his peace." "Pool house." "[COUGHS]" "Are you through?" "Oh, excuse me." "Do you, Eunice, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" "I do." "Do you, Dutch, take Eunice to be your lawful wedded wife?" "I do." "Good." "By the authority vested in me" "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "Good day." "Kiss the bride." "GUESTS:" "Aww." "Congratulations, Dutch." "Hey, hey, hey." "I'm sorry we're late, everybody." "Late?" "What, are you crazy?" "You missed the whole thing." "Where you been?" "You mean, you didn't hear?" "What, hear want?" "Uh, Bob, maybe this is not the best time." "You didn't... you didn't see today's paper?" "Bob..." "Oh, show him the paper." "Uh..." "Dad, listen, I'll..." "I'll show the paper later." "Give me the paper here," "What's this here?" "What's going on?" "Burt!" "Burt!" "He did it." "This isn't what it looks like." "What's going on?" "Come on, Mare, nothing." "There's nothing." "Dan, tell her." "Right." "You see, it's nothing." "Those girls." "What does this mean?" "Who are those girls?" "Girls?" "Girls..." "She thinks..." "she thinks they're girls." "Go on, tell her." "Right." "You see, Mary, there's always an explanation." "Oh, boy!" "Let's see this here." "Oh, it's time to go here." "Uh, Dutch, Eunice, uh, all the happiness..." "Um, Mare, I love you very much, buy yourself some clothes here." "Now, uh, Dan?" "Right." "There you go." "There's a little scandal in there." "It's no big deal." "I mean, scandals happen everyday." "I'm telling you, there's nothing to worry about." "People don't remember, they don't read the papers anymore." "Believe me, nobody knows, nobody cares." "Trust me, I guarantee this." "Be back in a little while." "MAN:" "That's him!" "Get him, get him!" "[CROWD SHOUTING]" "See?" "And you were worried." "Mare, I'm telling you." "Please, Mare." "I'm telling that we..." "We were unconscious the whole time." "We didn't even know we were in one of those adult motels with six gorgeous girls till we saw those pictures later." "Burt, please don't explain it again." "I believe you." "Mare, come on." "You do?" "I do." "Then, uh, you're not really mad?" "Of course not." "[SLAMS]" "Well, good." "I didn't enjoy it, Mare." "I'm telling you." "I know in the pictures we're laughing," "I can't explain that laughing, the laughing I don't know about." "Maybe they gave us laughing gas." "Stop explaining it!" "I believe you!" "Can't you believe me when I say that I believe you?" "Yeah, sure, Mare, I-I believe you." "But why are you upset?" "I'm not upset!" "Oh, that's good." "Maybe you're right." "I mean, what's one little newspaper article, right?" "I mean, people forget the other time..." "I'm sure they're setting up type for today's new scandal over there." "[RINGS]" "Hello?" "Yeah, this is Sheriff Campbell." "Hey, wait a minute, lady." "Wait, I was unconscious the whole time." "I..." "Wait a minute." "Wait." "Hey, miss," "What is your name, anyway?" "I refuse to justify my life to a total stranger." "Hung up." "That's it?" "That's what's gonna keep happening?" "No, Mare." "Come on." "Please." "How many crackpots can there be in one little town like this, who have nothing better to do than to..." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "No, the pervert isn't in right now." "Perhaps I could help you." "This is the pervert's wife." "Mare, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I told Tibbs off and brought all this down on our heads." "I'm not mad at you for that." "I am proud of you for that." "And you still love me?" "Of course." "Oh, hey, Mare." "Don't touch me, Burt." "[RINGS]" "I'm in a very bad mood over here." "He hung up." "Why does everybody hang up?" "Boy, people." "Boy, they never give you a call to give you a pat on the back, huh?" "I mean, you could have a well-trimmed lawn for years, nobody ever calls up and says:" ""Hey, love your lawn."" "[RINGS]" "All right, Mare." "I'll take care of the calls." "Okay, Mare." "Mare." "Oh, Mare, I can't undo the damage I've done." "At least I can move out." "I'm sorry." "Burt, stop, you idiot." "I don't want you to move out." "You don't?" "Of course not." "[SLAMS]" "I hear the words, but, you know, I'm not really convinced here." "Why didn't you mention this to me when it happened?" "Why didn't you mention the moment that that man started blackmailing you?" "I am upset with you because you didn't share this with me." "I'm upset because you've been going through this all by yourself, with no one to help you." "Mare, I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd get mad." "Now you're mad because I told you." "You think that I am the type who gets into a huff just because her husband is found in bed with six nude girls?" "Give me more credit than that." "Mare, I was afraid that you'd leave me, and I couldn't stand that thought because I'm so crazy about you and you're so wonderful." "Seems reasonable." "[DIAL TONE PULSES]" "All right, Mare, Mare, Mare." "[RINGS]" "Same to you!" "Oh, Mare." "Mare, I can't put you through this anymore," "I'm gonna just resign." "No, you're not." "You're staying in office till they drag you out of it." "We're going to prove that you were framed." "Together, we can do anything." "You betcha, toots, we can do anything." "You and me here, come on, we'll... we'll just to expose Tibbs as the little rotten crook little blackmailer he is, Mare." "We'll fix him, eh?" "We'll fix his wagon for good." "How?" "[♪]" "Oh, Saunders, we're not all here." "I've been aware of that since my first day." "Oh, boy!" "That looks real good." "Next time, why don't you just open your mouth and I'll lob one in." "Mother, how can you just let that woman move into the pool house with Daddy?" "Darling, as far as I'm concerned," "Daddy is just a nice tenant who does the gardening and fishes leaves out of the pool." "But, to invite her here to eat off of our good china!" "Eunice, we're still a family." "I mean, just because things changed doesn't mean that we're not a family anymore." "I mean, why should Billy give up a father just because I gave up a husband?" "Hi, everybody!" "You all know Annie, of course." "Hi!" "Hello." "Hi." "Hi!" "Thanks for asking us over to the big house, Jess." "It's such a nice change from the card table at the pool house." "Oh, Mrs. Tate, I love this house." "Sorry, it doesn't go with Daddy." "Well, look who's here." "Major..." "Tardiness at mess is never tolerated!" "So, his little way of saying "howdy."" "Hey, Annie long time no see," "What's new?" "Oh, not much." "What's new with you?" "Not much, not much." "Oh, I married." "I think Annie knows that, Dutch." "She was the maid of honor at our wedding." "Yes, and you looked lovely in your gown, dear." "Oh, how could you tell?" "She was out of it in about 10 seconds." "Well, what's wrong, Eunice?" "Did I break your old record?" "Pool filter in good working order, Chester?" "Crackerjack, Jess." "There's no need to be jealous, Eunice." "Jealous?" "I'd say the shoe's on the other foot, fatty." ""Fatty"?" "You are calling me "fatty"?" "In college, we used to have to grease her hips to get her through the doors." "Why, you little..." "JESSICA:" "Girls." "No choking at the table." "Everyone sit down." "I want to make a little announcement." "I have been conferring with Dr. Hill, and I have totally accepted what he had to say, and I certainly hope that you can." "But, I'm afraid I am going to be leaving you soon." "[SOBBING] Oh no!" "Why you?" "Dutch." "Dutch, I'm just going away on get-well trip, that's all." "Oh!" "Dr. Hill says that I need a little rest and for some reason, he thinks there's too much stress in this house." "What a peculiar notion." "So he's prescribed a little vacation to one of those tiny islands in the ocean." "Which one?" "The Atlantic." "No, no." "I mean, which island?" "Oh, that I don't know." "But on the map it's the third dot in from the left." "Oh, that would be Malaguay." "That's it." "Malaguay!" "But I don't know if I should go." "Why not, Jess?" "Well, I'll worry." "Suppose Leslie tried to kill Billy again?" "No, she won't." "Besides, she always misses." "She always misses you." "Look, Mom, I've got Dad." "Right." "And Dutch." "Right." "And Saunders." "Pass." "Anyway, I'm never alone." "They watch me all the time." "I can't even go the bathroom without somebody going with me." "Oh, Billy." "You get used to that in prison after a while." "I mean, the toilet's right out there practically in the middle of the cell." "Thank you for sharing that." "After a while, you just keep on gabbing or playing cards, right Dad?" "Let it go, Dutch." "Now, I want all of you to try to get along while I'm gone." "You should take care of each other, and be nice to each other, Eunice." "All right, Mother." "I'm sorry, Annie." "I guess I was just so... so..." "So full of hate, so..." "And... and hating and just so... so full of hate." "[SCREAMING]" "Be sweet... be sweet girls." "No, no." "[SPEAKING SPANISH]" "[SPEAKING SPANISH]" "[GIGGLING]" "Psst, psst." "[IMITATES BIRD CALL]" "Red." "Hey, Red!" "Hi." "Red." "Would you come here please?" "I need your help." "Is something wrong?" "Would you scratch my nose, please?" "I beg your pardon?" "I am chained to the seat." "You don't find the seatbelt enough?" "Please, scratch my nose." "Oh, yes." "Well, of course." "Ay, que bueno." "Ah, mm, gracias." "Gracias." "Red, please, before you go, could you do me one more favor, please?" "Mm-hm." "I have a key in my mouth." "Now, I'm going to spit it into your hand." "Oh, no, I don't think I..." "Please, please, please, you must help me." "The fate of the free world depends upon this!" "The whole world?" "Si." "Well, then why don't you just spit it in this cup." "Who are you?" "Carlos Marcello David Escobar Rodriguez Valdez." "Also known as El Puerco." "El Puerco?" "The Pig." "I see." "I am a guerrilla." "Well, you are kind of large and hairy, but I'd hardly say a gorilla!" "No, I am leader of the resistance of the land to which you go." "Oh!" "I fleed, then I went to Miami, and yesterday I was captured in Wolfies." "They bring me back now to be executed." "Why?" "Because they are afraid of El Puerco." "Because I fight to destroy the dirty, filthy, disgusting communism." "Because I give hope to democracy, the free world, and united fruit." "Red." "You must free me." "Take the key and open my chains." "Please." "I will do the rest." "Please, Red." "If not for democracy, then for my life." "Okay." "Red, gracias." "Now, you must go back to your seat and pretend that you do not know me." "Sure, okay." "It's very important." "Psst, psst." "I'll get you for this!" "I'll get you for this." "You dropped your thing." "Gracias." "[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]" "[PLEADING IN SPANISH]" "Sit down!" "Hands up!" "Red, you are an angel." "Yes." "Do you know, when the plane lands, my men are going to meet us?" "Oh, I wonder, would they mind dropping me at my hotel?" "Red, I'm afraid that is impossible." "Why?" "Well, because, you see, everyone on this plane has witnessed your act of great courage." "Olé!" "Silencio!" "You see, now they think you are one of us." "Oh." "I'm sorry, Red, but I am afraid now you must come with me." "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that Chester is living with Annie in the pool house, will Eunice continue to welcome her into the family, or will she feel a twinge of bitterness from time to time?" "Now that the porno pictures are published, and Burt and Danny have been railroaded, will the good citizens of Dunn's River run our boys out of town on a rail?" "And now that Jessica's vacation has been cut short by the revolutionaries, will she ever see her family again?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of SOAP." "[♪]"