""Pandemic (Part 2):" "The Startling"" "Transcript:" "Arrow, mpm" "What's going on, Dad?" "Mr. Marsh, you have to move." "It isn't..." "I'm so... startled." "My name is Craig Tucker." "Last week was my birthday." "My grandma gave me a check for $100." "I was so happy." "But then, four kids from school came to my house and said I should use my $100 to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band." "They promised I would double my money in one afternoon." "But the government arrested us, along with all the other Peruvian flute bands, and took us to an internment camp in Miami." "We begged to go home." "But instead, the government told us they were sending us to Peru." "And so that is why I am now in Peru." "If I die, let it be known that it is because four guys" "I don't even like from school lied to me and took my birthday money." "We didn't lie, Craig!" "It was a sweet idea!" "Yeah." "How were we supposed to know that pan flute bands would be outlawed?" "I don't get it." "They said the military would meet us here." "This is where they told us to land." " Can't you get through to Washington?" " I'm trying." "This is Conner in Washington!" "Hey Conner." "The place that Homeland Security told us to start the operation, there's nobody here to meet us." "It's like they sent us to No Man's Land." "Jesus, they're everywhere!" "What are everywhere?" "So furry!" "They're attacking... every city." "People dying!" "Guinea pigs... all over!" " Guinea pigs?" " Can't stop them." "Need to get out." "I just ate... a peanut." "Peanut now stuck in throat." "I shouldn't eat peanuts... when scared." "I've got the video camera." "Got it turned on again." "This is Randy Marsh." "I'm shooting this video of myself." "20 minutes ago, some... huge creatures attacked our town." "It's still chaos out the window." "I barely made it back to the house." "Sharon is here with me." "And there's Shelley." "Wave to the camera, Shelley." "Randy, will you put down that camera?" "We need to figure out what to do!" "I don't know what to do." "I'm so startled." "We have to see what the news is saying." "This is a shot of New York City where the giant guinea pigs" " have also attacked." " Guinea pigs?" "Reports of attacks are coming in from major cities all over the world." "Jesus, this thing is worldwide?" "Look at that thing!" "What are we gonna do?" " Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" " Go, Randy!" "Run!" "We gotta get out!" "Michels?" "Harrison?" "Anybody?" "Nothing." "LSAT is down, and no answer at RCU." "Whatever is going on out there, it's huge." "All right, just let me get this straight." "The head of Homeland Security ordered you to fly us, five kids, to Peru, but had you land way up in the Andes mountains of Peru so that other government people could meet us and then... somehow tell us how to go to the capital of Peru" "way over in Lima and take down their government?" "Yes, that was the order." "And that makes sense to you?" "Nope, not at all." "Actually, the whole rounding up of the pan flute bands didn't make sense to any of us either." "None of what that Homeland Security guy does make sense!" "So, could you just fly us home, please?" "You don't understand." "The plan was to have a refueling truck meet us here." "We don't have enough gas to fly anyplace." "Oh, that's awesome." "So, we've got to find another way out of here." "It's starting to look that way, yeah." "This is fun." "Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle." "It just keeps getting better and better." "You know, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Craig." "Yeah." "Nobody likes hanging out with people who complain all the time." "Look at that." "No lights on, nothing." "It's like humans have never been to this part of Peru." "More guinea pigs seem to be moving in from all directions." "We checked on Wikipedia, and found out that guinea pigs are from the Andes mountains." "Here." "What about the pan flute bands?" "Are they on their way to Guantanamo Bay?" "Sir, we believe we have bigger problems right now than pan flute bands." "Have they been loaded on to the boats or not?" "No, sir." "We diverted all the resources away from the pan flute bands to deal with the guinea pigs." "That was an order!" "The flute bands were to be put on boats to Guantanamo last night!" "I am still in charge here!" "I want those pan flute bands on the boats to Guantanamo!" "Yes, sir." "I don't see why you have to yell at people." "Okay, darling." "Main Street..." "Look at that." " Where do we go, Randy?" " We've got to get out of town." "Go through that way." "My arm!" "My arm!" " Oh, Jesus!" " Randy, run!" "Run!" "Okay..." "We're running now!" "There's Sharon and Shelley running." "Wave to the camera, Shelley!" "Dad!" "In there!" "In there!" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "I'm so startled." " Are you startled, Sharon?" " Randy, put down the" "It's gonna kill us!" "Just stay down, Shelley." "It can't come in here." "Hold on." "I need to get a shot of it from outside..." "Randy, where are you going?" "Here we see a view from outside the bus." "Randy!" "What the hell are you doing?" "I got a really good shot of it, Sharon." "I don't know, Lemski." "This entire area of Peru isn't even charted on the maps." "This whole valley is strange." "Just look at the size of that fruit!" "Ain't that a peach?" "And how do you like them apples?" "Take a look at this!" "They look like... beehive combs." "Oh, my God." " Dude, what is this place?" " It's like an unknown valley that time forgot where everything grows huge." "That's a shock." "I decided to follow you guys and now I'm in land of the giants' lost world." "Craig, it isn't our fault!" "You make it sound like we always want to be in those situations, but we don't have any choice!" "Yeah, stuff just happens." " Stuff just happens." " That's right!" "You just wind up being sent by the government to take down the city of Lima only to wind up in land of the giants lost world." "That's right." "You know what stuff happens to most kids?" "They fall off their bikes." "They get in fights with their parents." "They get swindled out of their birthday money." "Look, wherever we are, I think we better keep moving." "Dude, look out!" "Oh, God!" "Somebody make it stop!" "All right." "All right." "Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy." "We ran up here to get off the streets." "We found the Stotch family hiding out up here also." "There's Chris and Linda, and their son Butters." "Hello." "What is that?" "Chris, what is that?" "That--That's a new sound." "Oh, God." "Look!" " Those aren't guinea pigs." " Get off the roof!" "Go!" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Oh, God." "Going down the stairs now." "Get down the stairs." "And we are now getting word of giant bees." "The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe." "Oh, God." "Get away." "There's bees everywhere!" "There's another one right there!" "Oh, my God!" "It stung me!" "It stung me!" "Oh, that startled me!" "That was really startling!" "I think we're just heading deeper into the mountains." "Yeah, maybe we should start heading that way." "I think we're fucked." "Hey, hey, look at this." "What is it?" "I don't know." "Looks old." "Let's see what's in there." "Let's see what's in there." "That's why you guys get into these situations." "Because when you come across a spooky ancient ruin, you say," ""Let's see what's in there."" " It might be a way out, Craig!" " Yeah, Mr. Complainy-Pants." "I don't think anybody's been in here for centuries." "Yeah, centuries." "You guys look at this!" "It's a wall of ancient drawings." "Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band!" "I know!" "And look." "Looks like the pan flute music is driving away giant guinea pigs?" "Oh, no way!" "Look!" "The pan flute bands put in prison." "Just like what happened!" "And then the guinea pigs killing people." "And then..." "Dude, it's Craig!" "What?" "That is Craig!" " Dude, Craig, what's going on?" " I have no idea." "Well, do you mind telling us what you're doing on an ancient Incan wall, Craig?" "I don't know." "There is now word of huge beehives forming in cities across the U.S. and Canada." "Europe and China are reporting deaths by guinea pigs in the tens of thousands." "And how are the efforts to contain all this going?" "It's bad, sir." "It seems we have no way of stopping it." "We've lost complete control." "Sir?" "I'm sorry." "I just thought of a funny joke." "All right." "Get the jets ready." "I need to get to Machu Picchu." "Machu Picchu, sir?" "Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu." "Have you lost your hearing?" "But sir, what could possibly be at Machu Picchu to help" "Am I in charge or not?" "We're in the grocery store now." "Some other survivors here." "Can we get out through the highway?" "The highway's unreachable." "There's guinea rats all over it." " Guinea rats?" " So startled." "What do you mean guinea rats?" "There are guinea pigs, but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats." "I've even seen some guinea spiders out there." "Randy, will you stop doing that?" "Look, I think we need to find a way out under the city." "In the sewers?" "It can't be safe down there." "Oh, God." "What are we going to do?" "Oh my God!" "Something's inside the store!" "Guinea rabbits!" "There, inside!" " They're everywhere!" " Help me!" "Help" "No!" "Travis, no!" "You can't help him." "There's something over there!" "It's a guinea bear!" "No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid!" "Kill me!" "Randy, the storeroom!" "We've got to get to the storeroom!" "Mom, I can't see!" "It's okay, Shelley." "Daddy's gonna turn on night vision." "There, there." "Okay..." " What?" "What?" "What?" " Nothing." "I just startled myself." "Let's head over this way, guys." "You hear that?" "It sounds like water." "Yeah, it's coming from up there." " Dude, that's awesome." " All right." "Let's go." "No." "What do you mean no?" "I'm not following you guys anymore." "Dude, we have to go check this out." "Why?" "Because just-- That's just the way it is." "Every time bad things happen, you guys end up putting yourselves deeper into the middle of it, because "that's just the way it is."" "Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient temple prophecy wall, butt-wipe!" "I don't care." "I've decided that I'm done." "I am choosing not to be a part of this anymore." "How do you do that?" "It's easy." "Watch." "Craig, dude, wait up." "Dude, Craig, we should go back now." "No." "Hey, look!" "There's something here!" "Nope." "Dude, this is boring." "This is just a bunch of walking around." "Yep." "Nice and boring." "Just the way I like it." "It's been three days now since the guinea pigs and the guinea bees attacked." "Guinea rabbits are still everywhere." "Along with a few guinea panthers." "We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse." "There's Sharon and Shelley." "Say hey, guys." "What is that?" "What is that?" "I'm going to take a look outside." " What is it?" " It's a guinea-saurus rex." "Oh, my God!" "I'm way too startled!" "Look!" "Jesus, they can't kill it." "What do you think about the guinea-saurus rex, Shelley?" "That's good." "There's Shelley with the guinea saurus-rex in the background!" "Give a little peace sign, Shelley." "Oh, I know!" "Hold out your palm so it looks like you're holding the guinea saurus rex!" " Shelley?" " Randy!" "I have had it!" "You are putting down that goddamn camera!" "Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family some day." "Wait here a minute." "Behold!" "I am standing on your precious land." "I've waited a long time for this." "What's he doing?" "What of your prophecy now?" "Nothing can stop me!" "Craig!" "No!" "How did you get here?" "Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle with nobody to pick us up!" "Sir, is everything all right?" " Shoot them!" " Shoot them?" "They're a Peruvian band that escaped!" "We must keep them contained!" "No, listen to me." "The Peruvian flute bands were keeping the guinea creatures away!" "Whatever is happening to the world is happening because you guys got rid of all the flute bands!" "I said, "Shoot them!"" "Go look!" "It's all an ancient Incan prophecy." "Maybe we should look at it, sir." "Damn you, Craig!" "You just don't ever stop, do you?" " I didn't say anything." " You see for thousands of years, horrid creatures have lived in the guinea valley of Peru." "The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay, by playing pan flute music." "Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do." "But the prophecy foretold that one day, the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen!" "The Incas predicted the world would be saved, by Craig, but that part of the prophecy will not come true!" "For you will all die on this mountain!" "You're some kind of monster!" "Oh, I'm much more than that." "Guinea bees, guinea rabbits, guinea-saurus rexes." "I am something much more evil." "Guinea pirate!" "Jesus Christ!" "Sir, I promise you," "I'm not going to ruin your plans." "I'll just walk away." "See?" "Okay, now there's sparks shooting out my eye." "Curse ye, Craig!" "Stop!" "My name is Craig Tucker." "Last week, I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the Earth." "All the Peruvian flute bands were released." "And drove the guinea creatures back to Andes mountains." "Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed." "All over the world, survivors were found." "Living witnesses to the terror that had been seen." "Here, here." "Look, look!" "What the..." "I didn't have a tape in it." "The guinea pirate lived, but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days." "And people all over the world learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands." "And buy their CDs, for they protect us from the guinea creatures." "As for me, I was returned home by Homeland Security." "My parents were so happy." "I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us." "We are, but players on the stage of life." "And I also learned to never listen when people come asking you for money." "That guy's an asshole." "Yeah, what a dick." "I fucking hate Craig!" " Sir." "Sir, we have a problem." " What now?" "The former director of Homeland Security that turned out to be a guinea pig, it attacked the guards, got out of its holding cell." "My God, are you telling me..." "Yes, sir." "It broke out of prison."