"Okay." "The category is Broadway musicals." "Ah, damn." "Yes!" "Who was described as a "flibbertigibbet, a will-o'-the-wisp, a clown?"" "Maria Von Trapp from The Sound of Music!" "We win!" "Whoo!" "I cannot believe you know that." "Why do you know that?" "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Where's Leslie?" "I thought she was coming." "Nope, I had to break up with her." "But you said she was all soft and girly." "That sounds like me." "And that her eyes sparkled like champagne." "Me again." "And that she had a voice like Snow White." "Okay." "So freakin' me!" "I don't get it." "No." "It had to end." "We've been going out six weeks." "Was she a time bomb?" "They're all time bombs, my friend." "Yeah, Larry never dates a girl longer than six weeks." "'Cause after that, you look at her and you're like," ""What have I done?"" "How do you even end it?" "I mean, what do you say to someone?" "I told her I got transferred to Florida." "And she bought that?" "Well, when we first met," "I told her our headquarters were in Florida and downsizing was an option." "It wasn't an interesting conversation but I laid the groundwork." "I could never do that to a woman." "This isn't the prairie, farm boy." "There ain't one heifer for every hog." "That's a cow and a pig." "What a treat it must be to date you." "Poor girl, gets lied to and nearly crushed to death in bed." "Good one, babe." "Don't you have some hairy-breasted, feminist bonfire to dance around?" "Hey." "Hey." "Look at this closet." "Larry won't make room for any of my stuff." "I've been here two weeks." "I asked him to clean it out." "I got him boxes, tape." "I even got him a label maker, but he won't use it." "Okay, so, um... something very unsettling just happened to me." "I landed a date with this cute doctor who just started working in my gynecologist's office." "I already don't like where this is going." "Okay, but today, I went in for an exam" "La la la la!" "Listen!" "And after my gynecologist examines me," "I see him talking to the new cute doctor." "And my doctor is looking at me, and he's frowning." "And then the new cute doctor comes over, and cancels our date." "So you think your gynecologist said something?" "I don't know." "I mean, it was a pretty good visit." "I was cracking jokes." "I did my bit about having to get into the stirrups before the table galloped away." "So I need to ask you." "Please don't ask me." "Henry, is there something wrong with my...area?" "You know, cosmetically?" "Out with it!" "You're the last civilian to see it." "I don't know." "I don't open my eyes during that stuff." "What's this?" "It's a mix CD." "Larry hearts Molly." "No." "Who's Molly?" "Don't say Molly." "We never say Molly." "These are love songs." "This is a love CD." "Can you believe that guy lecturing me about women?" "So?" "Oh, no, I promised I'd never talk." "Fine." "I'll just ask him." "No." "I'm gonna walk right up to him, slam this CD down on the counter, and be like," ""Whassup, holmes?"" "No." "No, he is very sensitive." "Okay, you know what," "I'll just, um, tell you how they met." "Hi." "I never approach women this way." "I mean, it's just so tacky." "But I'm shooting a movie." "And you have such presence." "Have you ever acted?" "You're a movie director?" "Mm-hmm." "What happened?" "Were you in a horrible car crash?" "No." "Why?" "Because six months ago when you took me out to dinner, you said you were a race car driver." "Molly." "It's a racing movie." "That's why they hired him." "Who are you, his whore?" "I like her." "Wow!" "I'm embarrassed." "You never called me." "And on our date, I ordered the crappy chicken instead of the lobster because I thought you were gonna call me." "I want my lobster." "Fine." "I'll get you a lobster." "No, that's too easy." "You're gonna take me out to dinner again and I'm gonna get the lobster and some really nice wine, and I'm gonna drink two bottles of it." "And then you're gonna watch me leave with some other guy." "You are vicious." "Well, do it." "Let's go." "But first, let's have a drink and you can tell me how you became such an ass." "Okay." "Two martinis, straight up." "Oh, unless you have a big race tomorrow." "Larry let himself be bossed around?" "I do that." "What happened next?" "No, I'm not saying anything." "Brad!" "Brad will know." "Well, wait, we never finished talking about my...area." "Just let it go." "I can't." "Women are very insecure about that whole deal down there." "You know, if the poster in the doctor's office is a picture of the best one, then theheorst one would be very upsetting." "Hen-- Henry?" "Molly." "Tell me everything." "Uh-uh." "No way." "Oh, come on!" "I know the story." "You promised me you'd never tell anyone." "Yeah, I never thought anyone would ask." "Hey, Brad, oh, Mr. T called and said he pities the fool who wears a faux-hawk." "You're just jealous 'cause it looks so rockin'." "Here's to our big night." "What big night?" "It's been six weeks." "Tonight's the night you break up with Molly." "It's been six weeks?" "There's no way it's been six weeks." "My day planner begs to differ." "I can't believe that." "You're still gonna do it, right?" "Have I ever not done it?" "Okay, good." "And when you do it, don't be nice, 'cause she bags on me all the time." "Hey." "Hey, baby." "Hey, oh, Brad, A Flock of Seagulls called." "They're going on tour, and they need their lame hair back." "I'll leave you two alone, 'cause Larry has to talk to you." "So, uh, these last six weeks together have been really fun." "Has it been six weeks already?" "Uh, yeah." "So, you know, six weeks into a relationship, things get kinda routine." "We've heard each other's stories." "Things that we thought were cute about each other start to bug us." "The bloom is off the rose." "So I guess what I'm trying to say is your legs are really long." "And, uh, none of that other stuff's happened." "So I'd like to keep doing this." "Larry, can I talk to you for a second?" "I'm gonna go put our name in at the restaurant." "Yeah." "Oh, Brad, you've got something right here." "What the hell happened to the six week rule?" "I don't know." "I almost blew off the perfect woman because of some stupid rule I made up." "Screw it." "I'm breaking it." "But look where breaking your rule has gotten me." "I have a faux-hawk." "I need you." "Okay, I resent that." "I never said, "I need you."" "So Larry broke his code." "He didn't tell her he was getting transferred to Florida." "Yeah, but after that, what happened was" "Don't do it, Tina!" "I mean it." "I forbid you to speak anymore of this." "Are you telling me what to do?" "Damn right." "Now shut it!" "Henry...you should go." "What?" "No." "I need to know what happened next." "Get out." "There is love to be made." "Hey." "What's going on?" "I can't unload these tie-dyed t-shirts." "Damn hippies." "Sure, they got plenty of disposable income, but it all goes to weed." "I'm sorry I ever bought the things." "Yeah, I'm sorry about a lotta things in my life too." "Especially my relationship with Heather." "But one thing I'm not sorry about:" "expressing my feelings for her through song." "I was really just thinking out loud." "We don't have to have a thing." "Oh, yeah." "But you know what I mean though." "I made a bunch of mix CDs for Heather." "Now that our relationship didn't work out," "I could feel a little embarrassed about that." "But I shouldn't, right?" "No, no, no." "You definitely should." "I was hoping maybe you might have a story of your own in the same vein to help me get through this difficult time." "Okay, okay, I got one." "Eighth grade." "Jimmy Moreno." "Head over heels for Emily Miller." "At an assembly, he stands up in front of her and sings I Honestly Love You by Olivia Newton-John." "I was hoping it was gonna be a story about you." "It is." "After the assembly, I gave him a wedgie." "Then she went out with me." "Okay." "I have to know the end of the Molly story." "Why do you care so much?" "Because I've been walking around that apartment for the last two weeks wondering what the hell I'm doing there." "It's like, you know how he hasn't cleaned out my closet?" "That closet is a metaphor for his unwillingness to make room in his life for me emotionally." "Oh, my God." "You haven't said that to him yet, have you?" "Because I wanna be there when you do." "Just tell me what happened." "All right." "I'll tell you." "I'll tell you if you tell me what's wrong with my hmm-hmm." "Please don't make me." "You think this is easy for me?" "Because it's not." "Maybe it's important." "Maybe, if there's an anomaly, that would explain why I have such a hard time hanging on to a relationship." "Amanda, the only anomaly that would be a deal-breaker is if you had an area like my area." "Hey." "Hey, you and Tina are done already?" "That's kinda fast." "Don't you think?" "It wasn't fast." "It was regular speed." "Okay, cool." "You're here." "So give me some more about Molly." "No." "I'm not telling you anything." "I told you." "I'm Larry's friend." "It was a month later." "Man, I can't believe Molly's still hanging around." "Amanda, doesn't it worry you that he's selling out his ideals for some girl?" "No, I think it's romantic." "I'd like someone to sell out his ideals for me." "Someone rich with a boat-- oh, and a TV in the bathroom." "Larry." "Hey." "I was out today, and I got you something." "Isn't she the best?" "Surprise!" "Oh!" "It's a...plaid...bag sack." "It's a tartan picnic basket backpack." "And I defended you." "No, it's great." "It has everything you need for a picnic." "You can wear it when we go on picnics in the park." "I can wear it?" "Yeah, put it on, Larry." "Oh, look." "Here's a cute little compartment for your nuts." "Yeah, come on." "Men wear tartan picnic basket backpacks all the time." "They wore tartan picnic basket backpacks in Braveheart." "Yeah, they all stopped in the middle of battle and ate lunch out of their tartan picnic basket backpacks." "This is so fun." "I can't stop saying it." "Molly, I thought you were different." "I thought finally here's a girl who's not gonna turn me into something I'm not." "Larry, it's a backpack." "What's the big deal?" "The big deal is I can't wear that thing." "My body will reject it." "Did I give you the impression I was a Scottish, gay Boy Scout?" "No, but you're giving me the impression that you're an ass." "I'm gonna go." "Oh, come on." "Molly." "Hey." "Sean Connery called." "[imitating Sean Connery] He said he wants his plaid, sissy purse back." "So that was it?" "It just ended." "Well, we thought it was over." "But then a week later" "Oh." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Where you going?" "Nowhere." "Why are you moving all stiff like that?" "Are you being a robot?" "All right." "Fine." "(both) Oh!" "Why, Larry?" "You know what, I don't care." "Molly is great." "And she makes me feel great." "And I didn't like the way I felt when I wasn't with her." "So if I have to go on a backpack picnic, then I'm going." "And just so you know, this thing is awesome." "It's got plates, wine glasses, silverware, and a cutting board." "Do you know how long it would take us to go through this house and find all these things?" "I'm not letting you go through this." "Let go." "No, you let go." "Ow!" "Ow." "Good for him." "Not really." "That's the last we ever heard of Molly." "What?" "That can't be all." "What about the mix CD?" "Oh, I know all about the mix CD." "Hey, what's this, a mix CD?" "Yeah." "And that, my friends, is the story of the mix CD." "Thanks for clearing that up." "Brad." "How could you just leave after that intimate, brief moment we shared?" "I knew it was fast." "It was regular speed." "You're coming home." "No, I'm not!" "So deal with it." "Now." "I thought it made you hot when I lay down the law." "That only works sometimes." "Well, how will I know when it works?" "You'll know when I tell you." "Now come on!" "I have to go home now." "I'd like to talk about my area a little more." "Amanda, if you're having trouble with relationships, maybe it's simply because you're a unique, challenging woman." "So it's not this." "It's this." "Oh, that sucks, 'cause that's a lot harder to fix." "So don't worry about any of this." "Because from what I could tell, it was perfectly standard." "Wait, do you mean standard as in average?" "Or do you mean the standard by which all others are measured?" "Yes." "The standard." "Other areas whisper jealously about your area." "Really?" "That's so sweet." "Now I'm all shy." "Henry." "I got your note." "What are we celebrating?" "Well, I tried to dance around the subject, but I'm just gonna come right out and say," ""Whassup, holmes?"" "What's that?" "Don't even try it." "I know about Molly." "I know about the backpack." "I know about the whole deal." "So they told you about it, huh?" "My friends are weak." "That's why I pick them." "So..." "how did it end?" "I cannot believe you're gonna make me talk about this." "It's still hard." "When we picnicked," "Molly was pecked to death by a duck." "You're so full of crap." "I'm serious." "Is everything a joke to you?" "I'm trying to figure out something we have in common." "How we were gonna end up being friends." "All right." "Fine." "[laughing]" "I can't believe I'm saying this." "I picnicked without irony." "You were very brave." "Thank you." "[sigh]" "So, uh, this is a thing I made." "It's a bunch of songs that kinda-- well, they say how I feel about you, which, uh" "Okay." "I'm just gonna do this." "I love you." "Oh, Larry, I" "Oh" "No, no." "I really care about you too." "It's just that my company is transferring me to Florida." "Right." "And that was that." "I had" "I only told you because you're the only one I can trust to never tell anyone." "I would never do that." "And you'll never make me talk about it again." "Oh." "I just have one more thing to say." "Of course you do." "It means a lot that you told me." "And I'm thinking you and I aren't that different after all." "Teddy, I'm gonna need a to-go cup." "Larry cleaned out my closet." "Said I was gonna need the space since I'm gonna be around a while." "Oh, yeah." "We're bros." "That's good to know..." "Party Girl." "Holy crap." "It's him." "Who?" "That cute doctor from my office." "That jerk made me doubt my area." "You know what, I'll show him." "Right here in the bar?" "Look, bub, I don't know what my doctor told you, but I'll have you know that my area is super fine." "In fact, it has been called "The Standard"" "by people in the know." "So it's your loss, because I have plenty of satisfied customers." "Plenty!" "Not that many." "A select few." "So you're just gonna have to live with the fact that you're never gonna get your judgmental hands on my parts." "The reason I broke the date was because Dr. Grimes told me the office has a policy against dating patients." "It was lovely running into you." "Yeah, my problems are up here."