"okay, who would you do - jessica biel, and get no money, or one of the "golden girls, " and get a million dollars?" "Which golden girl?" "The little one." "The funny one or the sleazy one?" "The funny one." "Uh, is the million dollars before taxes?" "You only find out after the act." "Golden girl." "Golden girl." "Yeah, it's golden girl." "How about this?" "Who would you do?" "Would you do dame judy dench or a bear?" "Describe the bear." "well, look what I found." "Okay, I'm sorry." "It's just not happening." "what - what?" "What, what, what?" "It's always the same." "What-what-what do you mean?" "Well, it's gotten a bit... predictable." "I don't know what you're talkin' about." "Let's see." "First, we brush our teeth side by side." "Then you gargle in a way you mistakenly think is sexy." "then you dance over to the bed-peck, nuzzle, then it's right hand on the left breast as you say... well, look what I found!" "Got it." "slow down, slow down" "Turning off the car really saves gas." "Good morning." "Top of the morning to ya, lane mate." "Don't ever call me that." "Okay." "Laird's five minutes late." "I'm sure he has an excuse." "here we go." "One, two, three... three... four... nice!" "An excuse with really long legs." "Dougie, never you mind that nonsense." "You just remember, you hold all of our lives in your hands." "Aubrey, I have driven a-a car before." "Yeahbut this is your first time in the carpool lane." "It's a completely different animal." "I'm sorry about that, fellas." "gentlemen, let's carpool." "I know that you usually say that." "I" " I just thought that since i was driving today, that I... never mind." "Press start." "remember, a good driver is always relaxed and hyper-aware." "So kind of like a peaceful panic." "Are you mocking me?" "Guys, last night leila tells me that I am no longer spontaneous in bed." "Whew." "Well, if you ask me- he didn'T." "He's my best friend." "He'll take advice from me." "Buy her some stripper heels." "Oh, that doesn't work." "Plus it's a waste of $20." "What do you have, dougie?" "I'm sorry?" "What is your advice?" "Oh, uh, never stop dating your wife." "See, now the thing I like most about marriage is that I don't have to date." "Well, no, actually, it's been really great." "You know, once a week, cindy and I go on date night." "You know, we dress up, go out." "I open doors for her." "We hold hands, pretend like we're still courting, you know?" "It keeps things fresh." " As fresh as the term "courting"?" " laird." "Every date, I find out something new and unexpected about my wife." "you marrieds are so sad." "You meet, you have one month of good sex, and then you spend the rest of your miserable lives trying to recapture it." "I was supposed to get a month?" "You know what, laird?" "Just because you got divorced doesn't mean our marriages are all loveless deserts, right?" "Oh, come on." "Date night?" "It's just a desperate attempt to recapture something long gone, like putting lipstick on a coma patient." "Well, you know, my marriage is not on life support, and in fact, I'm gonna do date night, all right?" "How's that for spontaneous?" "Very spontaneous." "You knowhat?" "I'm gonna try date night, too." "Hey." "why?" "What was that?" "A test." "Your panic response needs work." "What's going on?" "I smell perfume... and mystery." "I'm going out on a date... with your father." "he's here." "Uh, tell him I'll be down in a minute." "She's not ready." "Won't you come in?" "Yes, I will, since it's my house." "Sit anywhere - not the couch." "Duh-dunh-dunh-dunh." "so... what time do you think you'll have her home?" "I have no idea." "And why is that?" "Because after dinner, you plan to get in the car, turn on some soft tunes - for example, the music of coldplay- and then take a long, hot drive to hanky-panky hl?" "Or is it off to a hippie party?" "Body painting?" "A communist rally?" "Skinny-dipping in the nude?" "It's the only way you can skinny-dip, son." "oh, wow." "You look great!" "Well, thank you." "So do you." "Yeah, I got you some..." "oh, they're beautiful!" "I got ya - she's the belle of the ball." "Don't forget to take a sweater." "And more importantly, can I borrow $60?" "Oh, sure." "Here you go." " Thank you." " Bye, honey." "Have fun... not too much fun." "Not to boast or anything, but firsday driving the guys went pretty well." "Felt a definite waft of respect." "Well, of course." "You're, like, the best driver I know." "I think they're gonna take my advice and try date night." "Oh!" "Dougie!" "I know." "Don't you see?" "You barely know them, and already you're changing their lives." "Within you lie the seeds of greatness." "You give me greatness." "Wait." "We can'T." "It's date night." "We have ice capades tickets." "Yeah, you're-you're rig." "Oh." "Well, you look great." "Let's go." "Thanks." "Okay." "Hey, lady." "Oh, enough of this." "Feast your eyes on this." "And not to worry, sugarplum, because I've sent the children away." "So tonight is all about... us." "oh." "Coconut-scented..." "and microwave-heated." "hi, daddy!" "I burned my face!" "oh, my goodness, that's funny." "You know, I like date night." "Me, too." "Why don't you tell me something about yourself that you've never told me before?" "I hate the color of our dining room." "I meant something sexy." "Oh!" "Oh, come on." "Come on." "All right." "How about this?" "Let's play a game, okay?" "This is called "who would you do?" "We each tell each other someone someone who we would "do, " right?" "Yeah, yeah, I get it." "And then the other one comments on it." "Sounds like a silly game." "Apparently, it's fun." "Anyway, on the count of three, we'll each say someone that we would do, okay?" "One, two, three." " Heidi klum." " Laird." "Okay, you did not say we could say famous people." "I should've mentioned that." "Okay." "Laird?" " good morning." " Morning." "Is this hot?" "It's not laird-hot, but it's hot." "Come on." "I am sorry I said that." "I didn't mean it." "I" " I just blurted out a name." "I'm a blurter." "And I'm a teaser." "I'm teasing you." "Can I be a teaser?" "I just know when you're upset." "You don'T.Obviously you don't, because I'm not upset." "Well, I hope not, because laird is your best friend, and I-I don't want you to think I'm having sexual dreams- where he- uh-da-da-da-da-da." "Okay, see, you are upset." "No, I'm not upset." "I just don't want to be late for work." "If you start talking about laird, you could go on a while." "Listen, trust me." "I've never felt closer to you." "Well, laird's late again." "Laird, laird, laird." "Let's just all talk about laird." "It's just all laird in here, all the time." "Why don't we change the channel?" "Uh, okay." "of course." "Hey, uh, how was, uh, date night for everyone?" "Well, if by "date night" you mean going to the emergency room and getting your eyes flushed, then, yeah, it was - what happened to you?" "What happened?" "Seven kids - that's what happened." "So unless you got a time machine and a box of condoms, you need to shut your mouth!" "Fair enough." "Gracen?" "Uh, how was your date night?" "Uh, uncover anything fresh and unexpected?" "Yes, I did, dougie." "You know what?" "Let's go." "What?" "Take off." "Well, wait." "What-what about laird?" "No, he's late." "Take off." "Come on, man." "We can wait- take off!" "Will you just take off?" "Wow." "Let's go." "I don't feel very good about this, but- yeah, we shouldn't be leaving laird." "Well, you know what?" "Actually, I see him right there." "no, go." "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Just go!" "He's right here." "you said you wanted to carpool?" "Carpool!" "Keep driving!" "why can't we stop?" "We're gonna get into an accident." "Listen, dougie, drive, drive!" "I can only go 25 miles per hour on this road!" " Stop!" " You're scaring me." "Hey, lookin' good!" "Work it out." "Oh!" "He's down." "Hey, what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "I'm coming to a full and complete stop, gracen." "pick up the cane." "Oh, come on." "There you go." "There goes the hat." "Floor it." "They've lived long enough." "Any time this decade!" "Oh, laird, hey." "what the hell were you doing?" "They were just, uh, wanted to see how fast you could run in those tight dentist pants." "I kept calling you." "Didn't you hear me?" "No." "I didn't hear him." "Did you hear him, guys?" "I guess not everyone's fixated on you." "I know why you're in a bad mood." "I am not in a bad mood." "Leila's still bored with, you know..." "I'll tell you how to fix that." "What?" "Don't be embarrassed about the workings of the human body." "I'm not." "I'm a man of medicine." "You are a dentist." "Exactly." "So what you gotta do is take your thumb- no, no." "No, n-no, no, no!" "I understand." "We can talk about this later." "I'll drop by this weekend, maybe bring a book." "Well, you knowhat?" "I'm gonna be busy, actually." "What are you gonna be doing?" "Well, dole, I'm gonna be, uh, barbe-barbecuing." "Yay!" "I'm having a big barbecuing party." "It's gonna be like a potluck, beers, couples only, that kind of thing." "Hey, can I call that a date night?" "Yeah, sure." "Why not?" "Couples only?" "What does that mean?" "I'm-I'm not invited?" "It's not really so much about excluding you, laird, as-as it is about including many people who aren't you." "Well, why can't laird come?" "Laird wouldn't wanna come, would he?" "'Cause it's gonna be couples, right?" "Dull, old couples sitting around in matching windbreakers, farting, rattling our chains, right?" "well, now I don't want to come." "See you guys later." "hey, hey." "Why can't laird come to the party?" "'Causee's already been to a party in my wife's mind." "What do you mean?" "Last night, leila and i were playing "who would you do?" "I know." "Bad idea, right?" "Her answer was laird." "Oh!" "How far has it gone?" "What?" "Well, has she just imagined him naked, or... is he having fantasy sex with her?" "Shame on you." "Leila is a good person." "It's not leila I'm worried about." "It's laird." "Once he gets in her mind, he won't respect her boundaries." "That's very true, especially when he's been drinking." "Why aren't i in her fantasies?" "Maybe you are." "Maybe she's having a fantasy threesome with you and laird." "thank you, aubrey, you know'cause now I got laird in my mind naked." "Oh, just put a towel on him." "That's what I do." "A barbecue at gracen and leila's?" "This is like our coming out party." "I know." "It's really happening." "Do I seem nervous to you?" "A little, but I know you." "Sweet pea, that's the wrong thing to say!" "Honey, kitten, they're gonna love you." "I just don't want to be an embarrassment to you." "Like on the party barge?" "That was a long time ago." "We were different people then, different neighborhood." "I fell off the boat." "I lost my contact lenses in a child's mouth." "He almost died." "That's not gonna happen this time." "okay?" "Okay." "I have confidence in you." "Well, your confidence gives me confidence." "Your confidence makes me crazy." "Oh, wait!" "The party!" "We have to get ready." "Right." "All right." "Okay." "I'm gonna take a cold shower." "You know, this is so unlike you to just suddenly throw a party." "You know what?" "You never know with me." "You know why?" "'Cause I'm kind of a loose cannon." "And I bet you didn't know that." "In fact, for example, I didn't get anything on your shopping list." "I shopped spontaneously." "I don't know what I got." "What I got-oysters." "I got oysters." "I got, uh, shoelaces." "Here are some shoelaces." "Cough syrup-nice." "Some sort of cleanser-no, that's soup." "Finally." "Gracen, let's just have another date night and do it soon so we can wipe out the memory of the first one." "Oh, you mean black tuesday." "I'm kidding, all right?" "Come on, I'm fine, I'm fine." "Let's have a party." "I know you." "You hold on to things." "Nope." "Nope, not anymore." "Who was that guy that held on?" "Who's the holder on?" "It ain't me." "It's not me." "Where'd I go?" "Here's a new guy." "New gracen-there he is." "He's gone again." "Roar!" "You didn't see that comin', did ya?" "You know, if youe been drinkingstop." "If you haven't, start." "Father, your party is going to bomb because your unresolved anger hangs over this house like a lampshade." "I do not have unresolved anger, son, okay?" "I am festive." "I'm in a festive mood." "Right." "I know you're a private person, but are you and mother at sexual loggerheads?" "Tell me." "Son, your mother doesn't think of me that way." "Anything else?" "Yes." "I need that $20ack." "Leave it on my throw rug, please." "Look out. this has to go perfectly." "We only have one chance to make our neighborhood debut." "Okay, you're making me nervous now." "Pull it together!" "Oh!" "Gosh." "Um, dougie?" " Yeah?" " The olive's in there." "What?" "It's stuck." "Ooh." "Okay, I'll get it." "No, don'T.You'll make a scene." "Hey, how's it going, man?" "Hi." "I'll try." "Um... no." "Still nothing." "Um, wish there was music." "Uh... da da da da yeah." "da da da da da da da hey." "Hey." "What are you doin' here?" "Well, you said this was a couples thing one, two makes a couple." "Gracen, this is sheila." "Shayla." "Where's your beer at?" "Classy." "Look, gracen, I-I realized why you're mad at me, and I'm sorry that I mocked date night." "It'd be great if that was the biggest thing I had to worry about was date night." "Oh." "Well, then you're mad because, uh, let's see..." "I gave you fillings you didn't need because I was broke." "You know what?" "This is a party." "It's no time for a conversation." "You're mad because I never pay for gas?" "Hi, guys." "How are ya?" "settle down!" "I'm sorry we had to bring the kids, sweetness, but we can still think of this as date night, right?" "Here's your root beer and vodka just like you like it." "someone's thirsty." "Okay, more, right." "Right." "Yeah, you could pretty much find a workout with a lot of things around the house." "Where would you like this?" "Oh, uh... will you look at laird?" "You gotta lift with the legs, but I've been working the arms." "Look at him, even lifting heavy things now." "That's great." "You know, that's gonna be her fantasy tonight." "I bet my wife is lookin' at him right now." "This ain't heavy." "well, to me, it is." "It's like a crate of air." "Look at that - right in front of me!" "Let's face it, boys, this party's nothing but a fantasy orgy." "We never should have played that game." "Ooh, what game?" "Uh, no game." ""Who would you do?" "" What kind of game is that?" "Uh, it's just a silly game where you imagine people naked and whatnot." "Is that what you do in the car?" "dougie, I thought you talked about your family and- and your family and your hopes and your dreams." "It's a long commute." "You imagine people naked?" "Why don't you just imagine me naked?" "No-eh-no." "Hey, stop... imagining my wife naked." "Why?" "She told me to." "And the last time I checked, this was still america." "But mostly just cardio, you know?" "Oh!" "My gosh." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, I'm such an embarrassment." "Oh, don't be silly." "I'll just throw it in the wash." "Here, take it off." "Oh, no, no, no!" "Leave it on." "take it off!" "Take it off if you have to." "I guess some people have nothing better to do than sit around and stare at somebody's abs?" "no." "Stupid question." "Hey, how about this?" "How about we play a party game?" "It's called "who would you do?" Okay?" "I bet you guys can't guess who leila chose, huh?" "Chuck norris?" "Gracen, come here." "It was a good guess, right?" "You were there." "I knew it." "I knew you were mad." "Why can't you just admit it?" "Fine, I admit it." "It's killing me that you fantasize about my best friend." "I don't!" "Laird's name just popped into my head... probably because he's your best friend, and you talk about him all the time." "If you've had said george clooney or even vid copperfield, but laird!" "So?" "So fine, you said laird." "You really want me, right?" "Gracen, of course I want you." "I love you." "You're my man." "Come on." "Give me a little credit, huh?" "Do you really think I'd go for a train wreck like laird?" "He wears way too much hair gel." "He eats pasta with his fingers." "He's like a used futon on the side of the road." "I heard." "I heard it all." "Uh..." "laird, listen, I'm sorry." "I've been a jerk." "No, no, no, no." "It's my fault." "This happens all the time." "It's the curse of the devastatingly handsome man." "You people have no idea what it's like to be the object of everyone's desires." "And if that weren't enough, I'm also a dentist- a man of medicine devoting his life to making sure people have a brighter future, a whiter smile." "Open, honey." "But none whiter than my own." "It's a lonely life, my friend - crowded, but lonely." "I go to bed with a different beautiful woman every night, but I wake up alone." "that's because you kick them out." "Maybe so, my friend." "Maybe so." "Baby, I'm comin'!" "baby?" "Come on!" "Hey, man." "Oh, hey." "Listen, I, uh..." "I just want to apologize, you know, for imagining cindy with her little dress off and- oh, that's okay." "You know, it's just a silly game, you know?" "I've just been really cranky lately, you know?" "I mean, my wife and I are supposed to have date night." "Not gonna happen now." "Hey, aubrey, your house is empty now, right?" "I mean, your kids are all here." "So?" "Oh, cindy, you're a genius!" "See you guys in 20 minutes." "Hey, honey, stuff your shoes back on!" "It's showtime!" "Did you, uh, hear what he called you?" "A genius." "I pulled it off." "Dougie, I'm not an embarrassment!" "No." "Come on." "Let's go show them what I'm made of." "Okay." "I like where your head's at." "ma'am, you-huh-no." "come here." "why don't we shake things up a little bit, hmm?" "well, look what I found." "I got one!" "Okay, who would you do- michael moore with julianne moore's head or dudley moore with mandy moore's head?" "Isn't dudley moore dead?" "You have to factor that in."