"Jeff:" "I can't believe the show starts in half an hour and Achmed's late." "Maybe he drowned trying to visit Bin Laden's grave." "(laughing)" "Security." "That's my name." "Don't wear it out." "Bubba J?" "Yeah." "Well, gotta go." "Beer break." "Wait." "Achmed's late." "Keep an eye out for him." "Which eye?" "Where could he be?" "He went from dead terrorist to Hollywood diva." "I'm telling you, the fame went to his skull." "Achmed?" "No way." "(engine revving)" "(evil laughter)" "(cackling)" "Huh?" "(growls)" "(bleating)" "Ah." "(engine revving)" "(evil laughter)" "Achmed's here." "I'll go park his car, since there's no law against drunk parking." "Thanks, Bubba J. Good job." "(loud belch)" "(belching continues)" "Whoa." "Is that a hybrid?" "It's the AchmedMobile, you idiot." "Just be careful parking it or I keel you." "Didn't hurt." "And whatever you do, don't touch the red button." "Got it." "Touch the red button." "Yes." "(alarm blaring) (gasps)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage," "Jeff Dunham!" "(cheering and applause)" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "(cheering continues)" "Ladi and gentlemen, it's absolutely great to be here in lovely Richmond, Virginia." "(cheering)" "And, you know, we" "I've been doing this show all over the country, just having a blast here, there and everywhere." "The fans are great." "But we've also been taking my show around the world." "We've been doing shows in South Africa, Australia, three tours of Europe and the U.K." "Now they're talking about taking me to China." "Wha-What?" "(laughter)" "How am I going to do my show in China?" "All I know is, if I do do my show in China, there's a big chunk of my act I'm going to have to leave out." "(laughter)" "You'll recognize it when I do it here this evening." "(laughter)" "But it is interesting going to some of these foreign countries and doing press interviews, because some of the reporters have done their homework and care, others just don't." "For example, I was in London talking to a guy and he was like," "(British accent):" ""All right, so ventriloquism-- have you eliminated every other possibility of employment?"" "And I have to go, "No, this is what I've done my entire life."" "I've never wanted to do anything else." "I started very young." "I was eight years old, I was in the third grade," "Christmas, 1970." "Got my first dummy." "There's Mom and Dad and me under the tree right there." "You can see how proud my father is." "(laughter)" "But for years I'd look at that picture and I'd think, why does he have that expression on his face?" "And then if finally hit me, duh, look where the dummy's hand is." "So..." "(laughter)" "Yeah, that's creepy." "So I started doing shows very early." "All the way through elementary school, junior high, high school, college." "And this is what I wanted to do." "This was the future I saw." "I saw it." "There were a few people that didn't see it." "For example, girlfriends." "They'd realize I was sincere about wanting to talk to dummies the rest of my life and they would dump me immediately." "I couldn't see what they saw until a few months ago." "I was sitting down with my three daughters, and we were looking at the yearbooks from my junior high and high school years." "My daughters were horrified." "Why?" "Let me explain." "I started getting paid for doing my shows in the seventh grade." "And I knew that if I was going to be a professional ventriloquist, I needed a professional photo." "Now, my parents were supportive, but they weren't going to shell out the cash for that." "So I thought, how am I going to get a professional picture of me and the dummy taken?" "And then it finally hit me-- school picture day." "(laughter)" "(applause)" "Don't believe me?" "There's seventh grade right there." "There it is." "(cheering and applause)" "Look at that." "That is Justin Bieber hair, damn it." "(cheering)" "So ninth grade came along and I decided to do the same thing." "This was the bicentennial year in our country-- 1976." "I was a patriotic lad, but I didn't want to dress like Uncle Sam." "No, apparently I wanted to dress like a Fourth of July picnic table cover." "(laughter)" "(applause and cheering)" "You know, the funniest thing to me about that photo is the fact that I have braces." "Why is that funny?" "Well, the rest of my life" "I'm going to be talking with my mouth shut, so what's the point?" "(laughter)" "I know most of you look at these photos and think, this is the saddest human being we've ever met." "Did he have any friends?" "Yes, I did." "Here we are sitting in my bedroom one day." "So now I had about 15 minutes in my show." "I knew I wanted to add something else-- some variety." "I thought, music?" "Yes." "Something cool." "Rock and roll guitar?" "No, something cooler." "I'll play the trombone." "(laughter)" "There is so much wrong here, ladies and gentlemen." "Let's start with the least obvious, and that's my dummy up in the corner listening to me play the trombone, but..." "Now let's talk about fashion, shall we?" "(laughter)" "How did my mother even let me out of the house?" "And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning where I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes." "This was an outfit I wore to school regularly." "I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis." "I must have gone to the store and said," ""Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?"" "(laughter)" "This next photograph" "I don't remember how it happened." "All I know is that we went to the professional portrait studio and this was the family portrait that hung in our living room this big, for years." "(laughter)" "(cheering and applause)" "(whistling, cheering, applause)" "You know, maybe... (laughing)" "And the weird part is my parents had family and friends over for parties a lot." "And this was hanging right there in plain view." "No one ever said anything." "They must have thought, "Well, the food's good." "Let's go to the mentally ill people's house."" "And now it's time to move on to college and the intellectual years." "I don't even, I don't even know why." "You know, the photographer should have just fallen over laughing." "I don't..." "I looked like Sherlock Holmes with a dummy." "I don't know what that is." "You know, I love my parents very much, and they have been married for 56 years now." "(audience cheering)" "And they are a perfect example of how a marriage can work." "On the other hand, I've recently gone through something that I never thought I'd go through, never considered it, never even thought it a possibility." "I'm recently divorced." "I'm a single father now, but I always try and look for the silver lining in the dark clouds, and one of the silver linings about getting divorced is that I got to pick out my own house" "because someone else has the other house now." "As for my act, there's an old guy, who long before I got married, warned me of the institution." "And now I guess he can say, "I told you so."" "Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome my oldriend Walter." "(audience cheering)" "Holy crap, will you shut the hell up?" "!" "(Jeff chuckles)" "You, too." "Are you all right?" "No!" "What's wrong?" "I'm pissed." "Why?" "I have no idea." "Well, have you ever thought about being happy?" "Yeah." "What happened?" "It pissed me off." "What would happen if you were happy?" "Your show would suck." "(laughter)" "You know, Walter, just once" "I think you should try being happy." "You're an idiot." "(chuckles)" "See?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "When I call you an idiot, and you smile, like I gave you cake." "Do you want to be in a good mood?" "Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no, thank you." "I've seen you walk by perfect strangers and go, "Oh, hello." "How are you?" "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"" "So?" "That makes mothers hide their children from you." "You don't think I should be nice to strangers?" "You know, even dogs sniff assholes first." "(howling with laughter)" "Well, I'm just happy to be here tonight." "Not in the winter." "Holy crap." "I don't know." "I hate being cold." "I even got cold in Vegas last week." "Oh, Vegas, yeah." "You took your wife there." "Oh, yeah." "You know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families." "Oh, yeah, sure, yeah." "That makes sense." "Take the family to Vegas." "Yeah." "'Cause kids love whores." "(laughter)" ""Look, Mommy, there's a place with poles like where you used to work."" "(laughter)" "So, Walter, you been doing anything fun since we got here?" "Uh, yeah." "What did I do today?" "I did something fun." "What?" "I signed up Achmed to be an organ donor." "Oh, that's funny as hell right there." "I'm getting sick of that guy." "I think all this fame is going to his head." "Why?" "He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff." "Like what?" "He's been dating a goat half his age." "Oh, yeah, an actual goat." "He even got her fake teats." "Oh, yeah, all six of 'em." "Walter, a goat only has two." "(chuckles)" "How sick is it that you actually know that?" "What, are you so lonely now, you're checking out barnyard animals?" "You know, they're called "petting zoos,"" "not "heavy petting zoos."" "Come on." "What's her name?" "(bleating):" "Ma-a-argaret." "Will you...?" "!" "(laughter)" "Can we change the subject?" "Sur-ur-ure." "I'll change the subject, all right." "I heard you talking about something you hadn't really discussed onstage yet." "Right." "Okay." "So you're talking about the divorce now." "Yeah." "All those years of being married, and now it's over." "Yeah." "So, all those years of raising the girls, and now the family's broken up." "Right." "So, no more marriage?" "Nope." "No more wife." "No." "What's it like?" "!" "(loud, uncontrollable laughter)" "Oh, please let me live vicariously through you!" "(laughter)" "Walter, divorce is not a good thing." "Oh, you can't lie to me, asshole." "So what happened?" "What happened, Walter, is that, unfortunately, in our country these days, more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things." "(voice breaking):" "You know, Jeff, I never thought" "I'd say this to you, but you're my hero!" "Come on." "What's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?" "To not think, "Uh-oh, here she comes!"" "Ugh!" "You can leave your toilet seat up all the time!" "I'd hot-glue mine open, for God's sakes... and then shit in the backyard." "Just because I could." "Walter, divorce is painful." "Oh, yeah, like a deep-tissue massage." "(screams)" "(sighs contentedly)" "So how long's it been?" "Almost three years now." "Oh, okay." "So, you dating anybody now?" "Matter of fact, I am." "Oh, good." "Female?" "Well, you never know." "Sometimes that's the problem." ""Honey, I got bad news and I got good news." ""Bad news is, I want a divorce." "Good news is, I'm on your team now!"" "(audience laughs)" "Come on, let's knit, Mitch!" "So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?" "No." "Oh." "So she's older." "No." "(gasps) Younger." "Yes." "How much younger?" "It doesn't matter." "Yes, it does." "Come on." "Does she have nice boobs?" "That don't hang down past her knees?" "¶ Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro?" "¶" "(audience laughs, whistles)" "¶ Can you tie 'em in a knot?" "¶" "¶ Can you tie 'em in a bow?" "¶" "¶ Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder ¶" "¶ Like a Continental soldier?" "¶" "¶ Do your... ¶ All right!" "Where do you hear a song like that?" "I didn't hear it, I wrote it, dumbass." "Bet you never sung it to your wife." "Every morning!" "(wheezing laugh)" "That's not funny." "Oh, even the dog laughs at that." "(imitates dog howling)" "(imitates dog whining)" "That last part was me." "I know." "You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife." "Your wife's quite beautiful." "You saw an old photo." "Yeah, I'm kidding, I know." "I married a petite, young, beautiful thing." "Yeah." "She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now." "(à la Fat Albert):" "Hey, hey, hey!" "You're just flat-out saying your wife's overweight." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "She's under-tall." "Have you ever had a weight problem?" "Only when she sat on me." "Will you...?" "Aah!" "Get off of me!" "Actually, it's more like this:" "(imitating an echo) Hello?" "...o...o...o..." "It's dark in here!" "...here...ere...ere..." "I found your keys!" "...keys...keys...keys..." "I am not kidding." "Then she farted and unlocked the car doors." "What does your wife think when you do things like this?" "I don't care." "Well, I know you care enough about your wife to take her on some of these trips." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, she loves going on these trips." "I know she loves window shopping." "Not in Amsterdam, she didn't." "(cackles)" "Ha!" "Because in Amsterdam, there's hookers in the windows!" "I love that city." "Did you know that in Amsterdam, you can legally purchase marijuana?" "I, uh... yeah..." "I did know that." "Do you know where?" "Coffeehouses." "Coffeehouses!" "It's my favorite coffee place ever!" "I'd like a latte and a doobie." "And 19 dozen donuts, thank you." "(laughter)" "(applause)" "Not long after that, we went to the UK." "You enjoyed it there." "Yeah." "Did you like the city of London?" "I don't know, I got confused one day standing in our hotel lobby." "Why?" "Some big old black guy walked in to me and started speaking English with a British accent." "I thought I was in the Twilight Zone." "I swear, some big old black guy walks up to me and goes," "(posh British accent):" ""Oh, good afternoon, sir!"" "I'm like, who the hell is making you talk?" "What the hell?" "Then we went to Ireland." "I got all confused there." "Why?" "Everybody's last name starts with "O."" "O'Malley, O'Shea." "I think I know a black Irish guy." "Who's that?" "O'Bama." "(laughter)" "I don't think Obama's Irish." "Maybe he's half-Irish, half-African American." "I can't wait to meet him." "I'm going to walk up and go," ""Hey, top of the morning to you there, dawg."" "(laughter)" ""How's your health care hangin', yo-yo?"" ""Hey, that last election was a bee-yotch."" "Say good night, Walter." "Thank you." "That's Walter." "There we go." "(cheering and applause)" "(cheering and applause)" "Well, ladies and gentlemen, there is a terrorist amongst us." "(cheering and whistling)" "And I don't know how it's gotten to the point that I can actually give this introduction, but here it is." "Please help me welcome the most beloved terrorist throughout the world" "Achmed the dead terrorist." "(cheering and applause)" "(evil laughter)" "Greetings, infidels!" "(cheering and whistling)" "And for the folks who might not know, Achmed, you are a suicide bomber." "Yes, I am." "Don't stand too close." "(evil laughter)" "And I think a lot of us might like to know how you feel about the death of Osama." "(gasps) I didn't do it." "(laughter)" "I didn't say you did." "Oh, right." "Yeah, uh-huh." "(laughing):" "All right, yeah, yeah." "Wait a minute." "Did you have something to do with it?" "Yeah..." "No!" "Yes..." "No, no, no... no!" "That Navy SEAL training was just for laughs." "(giggling)" "Wait a minute, you trained as a Navy SEAL?" "No..." "Ye..." "No!" "No!" "How did you know?" "Who said anything about Navy SEALS?" "I'm just a simple little terrorist." "Stop interrogating me!" "Damn it, you're good at this!" "(laughter)" "You're not going to tell anyone, right?" "Tell them what?" "Oh, thank you." "I will tell you what I do know, though." "What's that?" "When Bin Laden died, there were no 72 virgins waiting for him." "(laughter and applause)" "No?" "No." "It was some kind of misunderstanding." "Turned out, it was one 72-year-old virgin." "(laughter)" "Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur." "(laughter)" "And Osama and I agree that that 72 virgin thing is highly overrated." "How's that?" "Who wants to hear this 72 times?" ""Ooh, ow, oh!" "Boo-hoo-hoo!" "You're gonna call me, right?"" "(laughter)" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "You communicate with Osama?" "Of course." "How?" "On Face-Shot-Off-Book." "(laughter)" "So... (cheering, applause and whistling)" "So, where... where exactly is he?" "Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's Hell." "Why do you say that?" "Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel." "What?" "The Oprah Winfrey Network." "Wait a minute." "(laughter and applause)" "Come on, Achmed, a lot of people love Oprah." "Were you ever on her show?" "No." "She doesn't love you." "And also I know why they would not show the photo of dead Osama." "Why is that?" "It's a little hard to explain, but when he was killed, he was dressed up like Cher." "(laughter)" "Well, since he's dead, do you think they're going to come after you now?" "(laughing)" "Wait, what?" "Well, you're a terrorist." "Yeah, but I suck at it." "You know, the military has the deck of cards of the 52 most wanted terrorists." "Are you one of those?" "Yeah, but I'm in the Go-Fish deck." "(laughter)" "Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?" "I think it's cool that he could end up anywhere." "What do you mean?" "That is one episode of SpongeBob I got to see." "(laughter)" "(cackling)" "I wrote that." "I keel me." "Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?" "No." "Scientologist." "(laughter)" "But you used to be Muslim?" "No." "Look at me." "I'm too extreme." "I was Catholic." "(laughter)" "Really?" "And Methodist..." "What?" "Buddhist..." "What?" "And Baptist..." "What?" "And Capricorn." "Wait a minute." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible." "(evil laughter)" "And speaking of offending, do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me?" "What?" "He stole my ShamWow." "(laughter)" "It's not funny!" "Silence!" "(laughter)" "Wait for it." "(uproarious laughter)" "(cheering)" "I keel you!" "(cheering and applause)" "That's fantastic." "Let's do it together." "One, two, three..." "ALL:" "I keel you!" "They're talking to you." "(laughter)" "So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?" "Oh, I love the nightlife here." "Uh, what part of the nightlife?" "They have live sex shows." "Really?" "Where?" "In the hotel room right next to mine." "(laughter)" "(laughter)" "What?" "That's my room." "(cheering and whistling)" "Next time you should get a partner." "(laughter)" "Can we talk about something else?" "I'm trying to throw up, but I don't have a stomach." "(laughter)" "So, look, Walter and I were talking earlier, and you've gotten pretty famous now lately, haven't you?" "Oh, yes." "And I think very soon," "I'm going to need my own posse." "That's with an "O."" "(laughter)" "Po-o-o-sse." "P-P-oo... ..osse." "Posse." "Why are you explaining that?" "In Amsterdam, they thought I said something else." "(laughter)" "I don't even like cats." "(laughter and applause)" "How am I doing that with no lips?" "(laughter)" "(cheering and applause)" "That's what she said." "(cackling) (laughter)" "I can't believe you did that." "That's what she said." "(laughter)" "Will you stop it?" "That's what she said!" "I don't like this." "(squealing):" "That's what she said!" "(laughter)" "How long is this?" "(high-pitched squealing):" "That's what she said!" "(loud laughter and applause)" "Think about it." "So you were talking to Walter earlier?" "Damn it!" "Yes, and I said," ""I'm going to call you my bee-yotch."" "That means "bitch."" "I know that." "I'm sorry." "I'd been watching Pimp My Camel." "eem like you've been in a pretty good mood lately." "Do you know why?" "No." "Because like Santa Claus," "I have been making a list of people to kill twice." "Santa doesn't kill people." "He does if he's Terror Claus." "Terror Claus?" "I've never heard of him." "¶ Oh... ¶" "¶ He kills you when you're sleeping ¶" "¶ He chokes you when you wake ¶" "¶ He knows if you are Catholic or Jew ¶" "¶ So denounce your infidel faith. ¶" "(laughter and cheers)" "That's terrible." "But catchy!" "Have you heard of the Terror Bunny?" "No." "He hides Easter bombs." "Look, Mommy." "(mimics explosion)" "That's even worse." "I know." "Thank you for noticing." "What do you want, more stinking knock-knock jokes?" "That might be better." "Okay." "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Me." "I keel you again." "(laughs)" "You're such an idiot." "You keep answering the door!" "Where I am from, the game we teach our children is, when someone says, "Knock-knock,"" "you shut the fuck up and hide." "So, Achmed, did your parents have much to do with what you do now?" "Well, uh, I guess so." "My father was a suicide bomber." "Oh, so you guys are a lot alike?" "Well, I have his eyes." "In a box." "And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping." "That way, when he wakes up, it scares the crap out of him." "WALTER (distant):" "You son of a bitch," "I'll kick your ass right now!" "(applause and cheering)" "Is that case locked from the outside?" "Yeah." "Why?" "'Cause he still scares the crap out of me!" "So, Achmed, do you have any good memories of your father?" "Uh, for my eighth birthday, he got me a puppy." "That's good." "No, it turned into a disaster." "Why?" "Because sometimes my father was a very confused man, and that day my mother told him to go outside and blow up some party balloons." "Yeah?" "(sadly):" "And that's how I got a dog with no legs." "You had a dog with no legs?" "Yeah, he was great." "I had him for many years." "Oh." "So what'd you call him?" "Seriously?" "Seriously." "What?" "I had a dog with no legs." "What did you call him?" "Seriously?" "Okay, you're a comedian, right?" "Yeah." "I had a dog with no legs." "(sinisterly):" "Ask me again." "What'd you call him?" "I didn't call him anything because he could never come." "It's not funny!" "Achmed, that's, that's, like, the oldest joke ever." "(voice breaking):" "Yes, but in my case, it was true." "AUDIENCE:" "Aw..." "Thanks." "Could he do any tricks?" "He could roll over." "It not funny because if there is any kind of an incline, he couldn't stop himself!" "He looked like a runaway can of pinto beans rolling down a hill." "It was the only time I ever saw a cat actually laugh." "Meow. (hiccups)" "Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups)" "(faster) Mw. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups)" "(gasping groan)" "What was that?" "I killed the fucking cat." "So, Achmed, when did you know you wanted to be a suicide bomber?" "After talking to my guidance counselor." "Your guidance counselor?" "In high school." "High school?" "Al Qaeda High." "Al Qaeda High?" "¶ Oh... ¶" "¶ All hail to the Al Qaeda High ¶" "¶ We blow up, then we die. ¶" "Everybody!" "Wait, wait, wait." "This is your high school?" "Who was your mascot?" "The next guy on the list." "Oh, it was, like," ""Go, team!" "(mimics explosion)" "Next." "So how were the cheerleaders at your school?" "Oh, we didn't even have girls." "No girls?" "I had to take my buddy Omar to the Prom" "Hey he can dance!" "Later he became a village person." "I'm not kidding." "Wait your buddy omar was in the singing group the village people?" "Which guy was he?" "The cowboy, the construction worker?" "The Indian." "The Indian?" "What was that?" "A bomb." "The Native Americans didn't use bombs." "Hey, got it!" "They knew i got shot by an arrow I must be a pretty good actor" "Can I try it again to make sure It wasn't a fluke?" "This time, a slightly bigger arrow more drama." "Look at that" "I am a "Thespian"." "Not like Ellen." "She is a lesbian, and I said thespian The words are similar." "Not the meaning." "Unless you're a lesbian thespian" "I like Ellen." "You think I have a shot with her?" "A shot?" "You know like to date her?" "Oh come on she could play on the other team for a while like a vistor." "Achmed, She's married to another woman." "Who is this bitch?" "What does she have that I don't?" "What?" "I no longer have a "Hooh haCH"." "Don't Look!" "If you look in my "Hooh haCH" area I'll kill you where you stand." "But if I kill you, please don't drop me." "What happened to your "hoo-ha"?" "My what?" "You said you no longer have a "hoo-ha"." "No I didn't" "Yes you did No, I said "Hooh haCH"." "What the fuck "hoo-ha"?" "It's like a laughing owl." "What happened to your "Hooh haCH"?" "After the explosion it ended up Over there, over there, and up there." "I see." "So you no longer have a "Hooh haCH"?" "No." "But you like women." "Yes." "I am a lesbian." "I told you that I gotta a shot with Ellen." "Do you think she likes actors?" "I don't know." "Let's try the arrow thing one more time It will prove I can act" "This time much bigger arrow much more drama." "I got shot in the shoulder, not gonna die." "Now the stomach." "Tell Ellen I love her...." "O.K. I'm done I can sit up now." "Actually you can't." "Your ribs are caught on your spine." "What?" "Son of bitches" "I'll kill you from here you asshole." "You feed me a sandwhich every once in a while This shit wouldn't happen." "I'm a lesbian, not a cheerleader." "I kill you." "I kill you until you dead Thats worse." "You make a joke barbecue joke..." "I kill your family." "What part of my family?" "We can talk." "Sorry about this" "How do you feel?" "I'm cold." "Cut it out." "Why?" "It tickles." "Can I try to put this back?" "What am i now?" "Fucking Lego-Achmed?" "I hate you." "I want ellen" "Didn't hurt." "There was never any girls in your school?" "No." "But for some reason, we had a girls' restroom." "I see." "And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore." "The girls' restroom?" "Uh-huh." "And what'd you find?" "A couple of strange and wonderful things." "Like what?" "Well, we found a machine." "And if you put two shekels in it, a small missile would come out." "A missile?" "Well, I think it was." "It had a little white fuse." "And it must have been a very special missile, because it was lightly scented." "And then you could put two shekels in the other machine and get the bonus accuracy package." "What?" "It had wings." "And you used these missiles?" "With confidence." "Really?" "Always." "(laughter)" "(audience whistling)" "Achmed, I've never heard of anything like this before." "Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel." "I've been to your house," "I've seen in your cabinets and drawers, many of these missiles hidden away." "It looks as though you are preparing for war." "Every four weeks, it feels like that, I'd say so." "So your soldiers have synchronized their time clocks." "You could say that." "Well, good luck in your battles, my friend." "Thank you." "I fear there will be much bloodshed." "(laughter)" "What are the infidels laughing at now?" "I'll explain it to you later." "I keel you!" ", I have a surprise to share with you tonight." "(gasps) You're going in the closet?" "No, and by the way, the, the, the phrase is "coming out of the closet."" "Oh, congratulations!" "No, I'm not coming out of the closet." "You're going to continue to hide the truth?" "I'm not hiding in anything." "So everyone knows now?" "Congratulations!" "Achmed, I have a girlfriend." "(gasps) Does she know?" "Maybe she will like this one guy." "There is no one guy." "Then there are many guys?" "You are a whore." "Now, you should be stoned." "Achmed..." "What would your mother say?" "I'm not a whore." "Of course your mother would say she's not a whore." "I'm straight." "Straight, crooked, we do not need to know such graphic details." "(laughter)" "I mean, I have a girlfriend." "Not for long." "Not when she finds out about your many boyfriends." "Whore!" "Will you please listen to what I'm saying?" "I do not talk to whores." "You are dead to me." "You're dead to all of us." "(applause and cheering)" "So, Achmed..." "I'm not listening!" "¶ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!" "¶" "Achmed, there's someone here I want you to meet." "(gasps) One of your whore boyfriends?" "I think not!" "No, I think this is someone you would like to see." "(gasps) Is it a woman?" "No." "I already have a goat." "This is a surprise guest." "(gasps) Ryan Seacrest?" "Nope." "Damn it!" "Look." "What I want you to do is, I just want you to look over there while I'm getting him out, so you won't peek." "Okay." "Just look over there." "O... wait a minute." "When I'm not looking, are you going to keel me?" "No." "That's actually a good way of doing it, you know." "Kinda old-school, but effective." "It's like "Hey, look at that!" (chokes) Aaah..." "No, just look over there, and don't look back until I say so." "Okay, whever." "This is kind of like Christmas, huh?" "Yeah." "Just look over there." "Okay." "And don't peek." "Okay." "Right." "Not gonna peek." "Just stay over here." "Now?" "No!" "Okay!" "(muttering)" "(applause and cheering)" "(screams)" "(yells)" "Who the hell is that?" "(British accent):" "Hello, Father." "(audience whistling, applauding)" "(prolonged cheering and whistling)" "It's your son, Achmed Junior." "AJ?" "That's right." "ACHMED:" "Wait..." "I thought you were dead!" "Surprise." "This is great." "Hey!" "What happened to your face?" "Oh, yeah." "My bad." "Achmed, he's your son." "Look at him." "What do you see?" "Well, he does have my eye." "(cackling laugh)" "Actually, I do." "Yes, I do." "Why do you sound like Elton John?" "When you were separated after the accident, he was raised in England." "Did my mum miss me?" "Uh... yeah." "I don't know." "What the hell." "How do you not know?" "Oops." "What's wrong with your leg?" "Nothing!" "What's wrong with my leg?" "I don't know." "Can you fix this?" "No, I don't think so." "Damn it." "Don't look at me." "Sorry." "Um, we're going to get Marnel to help us." "What?" "Marnel, he works for me." "I know Mar, Mar, Marnel!" "Come fix my leg!" "(murmuring)" "Thanks." "(applause)" "He's kind of cute." "Okay, moving on!" "Wait a minute." "How do you not know who his mother is?" "I had 46 wives, you idiot." "They all dressed the same, and their faces were covered." "How'd you tell them apart?" "The numbers on their backs." "That's terrible." "I know, Mother's Day is a bitch." "And so are most of the mothers." "That's not funny at all." ""Atall"?" "Who is "Atall"?" "Was she your mother?" "I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you." "Bulgy-eyed?" "Well, look at him." "Well, you're not exactly squinting." "At least my face is balanced." "You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time." "Achmed, he's your son." "Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower." "You caused the accident." "Accident?" "It was a huge explosion, with great fire and destruction." "You didn't mean for it to happen." "I did, too!" "You did not!" "No, li..." "Oh, fuck." "Marnel!" "Son of a bitch!" "Are you talking to me now?" "Fix it right, or I kick your ass." "Marnel!" "Come back!" "My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole." "(laughter, applause and cheering)" "He can fix my pelvis anytime." "Shut up!" "Okay, look." "Okay, look." "So the explosion you were talking about, how did it happen?" "Very precise and careful planning." "Not exactly." "I said shut up!" "What happened?" "Nothing." "He was putting gasoline in his scooter." "So why was there an explosion?" "Shit happens." "He was using his cell phone." "Really?" "What?" "While putting gas in your scooter." "You know that's dangerous." "Well, it was your mother who called." "ACHMED JR.:" "Really?" "I don't know." "What was her name?" "42." "And you guys haven't had any contact since?" "Not much." "He's a bad son." "I am not." "Tell him what you sent me for my birthday." "It was an honest mistake." "What'd you send him?" "He sent me a bottle of skin lotion." "(laughter)" "He made it worse." "What'd you do?" "I sent him back half a bottle." "(laughing) (laughter)" "You know, maybe you should try and patch things up." "Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch." "But I'm here for a reason." "What, a skin graft?" "Sorry, I'm all out." "Fuck!" "Marnel!" "Come fix my fucking leg!" "Get duct tape, you asshole!" "(chuckling):" "He actually brought duct tape." "(laughter and cheering)" "He's kinky, too." "Shut up!" "So, Achmed, do you know why AJ is here?" "Well..." "Wait a minute." "This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?" "That bitch!" "Whichever one she was." "No, that's not..." "This is bad, 'cause I've seen the crap that you're going through and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt." "Thank you." "Did I say that just how you wrote it?" "(laughter)" "Yes." "Thank you." "Okay." "Good luck with the judge." "I hope he's fair." "Actually the judge is a woman." "You're fucked." "(laughter)" "Okay, listen, you..." "Achmed, you're getting hostile." "Of course I'm getting hostile." "I'm a terrorist, you idiot." "You piss me off, I keel you." "Would that really solve anything?" "Pretty much, yeah, I think it does." "Okay..." "I have nothing in common with my own son." "Well, just talk to him." "How?" "I don't know, like you would anybody." "Okay, W.T.F." "O.M.G." "I mean O.M.A." "(laughter and applause)" "And you have no idea why he's here?" "To start his training as a terrorist." "No, Father, that's just it" " I don't want to be a terrorist." "(gasps) But I want you to be just like me." "Well, I'm not, and I won't be." "Achmed, can you accept that?" "(voice breaking):" "I guess I can try." "And, AJ, what if he doesn't accept it?" "I keel you." "That's my boy!" "(cheering and applause)" "He's purple, he's wacky, he's been around for a while." "Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!" "(cheering)" "How you doing, Peanut?" "Doing pretty good." "How about you?" "I'm fine." "That's good, that's good, that's goo-ood." "(cheering)" "Wow." "You like it here?" "I love it here." "It's beautiful." "It's sold out." "The place is paid for." "We must be on an Indian reservation." "And these are all Indians." "Look, Peanut, first of all, the more politically correct term these days is Native American." "Oh, yeah." "I certainly wouldn't want to piss 'em off." "They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get is a fishing lure." "(laughter)" "I guess that is a little less confusing of a term, though." "What?" "Native American." "Why?" "'Cause when you say Indian, you don't know which one the hell they're talking about." "What?" "Is it the ones that go... (war chant):" "¶ Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ¶ or the ones that go... (Indian accent):" "Thank you for calling customer support." "(laughter and cheering)" "But in this case, I'm talking about the ones that go... (war chant):" "¶ Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya. ¶" "(deep voice):" "¶ Hy-ya, hy-ya. ¶" "(high-pitched):" "¶ Hy-ya, hy-ya... how. ¶" "Do you know what that chant means?" "No, but I think it means," "(chanting):" "¶ I forgot the words, hy-ya, hy-ya. ¶" "You know, we have plenty of Native Americans here this evening." "Oh, goody." "Let's play craps." "(laughter)" "What?" "They've got the reservations and the casinos and making millions of dollars every day hand over fist." "They're laughing all the way to the bank." "Oh, that's what it is-- they're laughing." "(chanting):" "¶ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. ¶" "(laughter)" "All right, Peanut, time to introduce the next guy." "Oh, dude, does he have to come out here?" "Why not?" "He's a talking jalapeño!" "(audience cheering)" "Go ahead." "On a stick-k!" "So?" "How random is that?" "Well, José, has been in our act for years." "I know." "And when folks see us, do you know when they say the best time to watch José is?" "When?" "When they're drunk off their asses." "In fact, isn't that how you came up with him in the first place?" "I don't know." "But I do know that's when" "I came up with you." "You jerk!" "Just introduce him." "Ladies and gentlemen, here is José Jalapeño on a Stick!" "(audience cheering)" "Good evening, José." "Hola, Señor Jeff." "How are hue...?" "Whoops." "What the hell was that?" "Were you trying to say, "How are you?"" "and it came out, "Haa-a-ah?"" "Why is that we speak perfectly and you fuck up?" "(laughter and cheering)" "I don't know." "Would you like me to help you?" "I'm fine." "Come on." "Follow me one word at a time." "No." "Come on." "Just do it." "Do it!" "Okay." "Okay." "How..." "How... are..." "are... you-you?" "you-you?" "Good-good." "Good-good." "All right." "All right." "(audience cheering)" "How are you, José?" "I don't know." "It took too long." "Actually, I'm excited, señor." "Why are you excited, José?" "Probably 'cause you're holding his stick." "Do you have to do jokes like that?" "It's just weird to me that in front of everyone, you're holding José's stick-k." "Any suggestions?" "You should at least take him out to dinner first." "It's just a stick." "Maybe it's actually a handle." "A handle?" "Yeah, you could use José as a weapon." "To hit with?" "Yes!" "I want to go back in the box." "No, this is awesome!" ""What happened to Frank?"" ""He got whacked by a jalapeño."" "On a stick." "Yes!" "Think about it." "You'd be wielding a Mexican whacker." "On a stick." "Yes!" "Look, you know how Batman had his sidekick Robin and one of their weapons was a batarang?" "Yes, of course." "Oh, dude." "What?" "You just showed your geek." "(sniffs)" "And it smells like loser." "You're not a loser, señor." "Thank you, José." "Suck-up." "Muppet reject." "(laughter)" "Hey, he can drop you, and then I'll throw down a couple avocados." "and we got guacamole!" "I could still burn your ass." "Good point." "All right." "(chuckles)" "Look..." "Wait!" "The Batman thing just made me think of something." "What?" "If this comedy business doesn't work out for you," "Yeah?" "you can be a crime fighter." "A crime fighter?" "Yes." "You could be Dunham Man... with José, your trusty sidestick. (chortles)" "I see." "So you're saying I would be a superhero." "Mm, ...ish." ""Ish"?" "It this like Jewish?" "No, José, you're not Jewish 'cause then you wouldn't be" "José Jalapeño." "You'd be Hymie Jalapeño." "On a Bagel." "(laughs)" "Where would you hold him, then?" "(chortles)" "In the hole." "I am not touching that." "No, you probably never have." "(audience gasps)" "Okay." "This sucks!" "So we're a crime-fighting team, señor?" "Yes!" "What kind of crime do we fight?" "Illegal aliens." "I think there's a conflict of interest." "Look, so you find the illegals, whack 'em on the head with José, and every time José hits someone, he yells..." "Olé." "Yes!" "Pretty cool, huh?" "I guess so." "But, um, do I get a costume?" "What?" "Anything from those earlier photos." "I'd go with the red shorts, señor." "Yeah, then you'd be Ugly-Ass Crackerman." "(laughs)" "Okay, look, for this crimefighting thing, how's José gonna dress?" "Well, he needs a disguise." "Is difficult to hide a big stick." "I'm not saying anything." "Of course not." "You're still holding it." "José, I don't know how you put up with this." "I have nowhere else to go, señor." "What?" "He was evicted." "What?" "Evicted." "Really?" "Yep." "Sí." "You were evicted?" "Sí." "Why didn't you come to my house?" "(snickering)" "JOSE:" "Ask Peanut." "Why didn't he come to my house?" "We told him you loved eating Mexican food!" "I was afraid for my life." "So where'd you take him?" "Taco Bell!" "(laughter)" "That was really mean." "I know!" "Hey, look." "What about moving all of José's stuff?" "Achmed tried to rent a truck." "No bueno." "(chuckles) So did Walter help?" "He couldn't because of his war injury." "Walter has a war injury?" "Yeah, he strained his thumb playing Call of Duty:" "Black Ops." "So you and Achmed did everything." "Yep." "José didn't lift a finger." "(laughing)" "(laughing):" "'Cause he doesn't have any!" "Hey, ever met José's sister?" "Don't do it." "She's really hot." "(shrieking with laughter)" "I'm just kidding, José." "I know." "You're more into fruit." "Hey!" "Hang on, you guys." "No, you hang on." "What?" "Why are you laughing at him?" "'Cause he's funny." "Oh, he is, is he?" "I know what you're doing." "I'm not doing anything." "You're giving José the better insults." "I'm just listening." "Don't give me that crap." "We all know this is all you." "If you get any closer, he's going to whack you with me." "Whack." "Olé!" "And that's José Jalapeno on a Stick!" "(applause and cheering)" "Hey." "Wait a minute!" "I..." "I forgot to tell José something." "Open the box back up." "Immigration!" "Stop it!" "Well, he pissed me off." "Well, Peanut, it's about time to end the evening." "No way!" "What?" "I got one more thing to do." "No, the show's about over." "No, it's not!" "I got one more thing." "What?" "Okay, look." "Just trust me on this." "I have a new hobby." "A new hobby?" "Yes." "What is it?" "I am now a ventriloquist, too." "No, you're not." "Yes, I am." "That was..." "that was pretty good." "I know." "Compared to me, you suck." "Really?" "Let me show you how it's done." "Well, you need a dummy." "He's in the box." "You have a dummy?" "Over here, señor." "He's... in the box?" "Yeah." "Right next to José." "Can I get him out?" "Yep." "JOSE:" "Don't touch my stick." "Careful!" "What?" "(whispering):" "He's really ugly." "JOSE:" "He is ugly, señor." "He is nasty-looking." "JOSE:" "He's so scary, I wet my stick." "But he's right here." "He's the only other guy in there, check it out, look, look, look!" "All right, let's see this, here we go... (cheering and applause)" "I thought you said he was ugly." "He is!" "He looks a little like me." "No... he looks a lot like you!" "This isn't funny." "Then why is everyone else laughing?" "JOSE:" "I laugh, too, señor." "I laugh so hard I crack my stick." "Do you know how to work this?" "Of course I do." "You know there's a little lever down there..." "I know." "You grab onto the lever...." "I know." "and you pull on it..." "I know!" "Now, do you have a hold of the lever?" "He's got a hold of something." "See, I can do this, too!" "Fantastic." "How are you, little ugly Jeff?" "Not good." "Wait, wait, wait a minute." "You're going to call him Ugly Jeff?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Little Ugly Jeff." "Is there any other name?" "Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?" "I like that." "JOSE:" "Me, too, senor." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Wait a minute." "I would prefer you didn't use the word "ass."" "Oh, I didn't really." "It's all one word." "Little Ugly Ass Jeff." "Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff, I am Ass Jeff." "See?" "It's good." "JOSE:" "Bravo!" "Gracias." "De nada." "This is ridiculous." "(cheering)" "So, how are you, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?" "I'm sad, Handsome Peanut." "Wait, wait a minute." "Handsome Peanut?" "Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff." "He is me." "Good point." "I hate my ugly-ass self." "All right." "He said he was sad." "I heard him." "Why are you sad, Ass Jeff?" "Because I'm a loser." "Yeah, that is sad." "And he's ugly." "And I'm ugly." "Thank you." "Is okay." "Will you stop this?" "That's a shame, Little Ugly Ass Jeff." "I have no idea how I made it this far in life." "Me neither." "No one does." "I suck." "All right." "Maybe you can make up for your loserness by having a good personality." "No." "Doubtful." "No way." "I'm sorry." "Me, too." "Okay, look." "You guys really think this is funny." "Oh, yes." "Sí." "Definitely." "The truth hurts." "Okay." "I'll tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny?" "I have something here that you're going to like." "What?" "Just trust me." "You're going to love this." "What the fuck is that?" "Hi, look at me!" "I'm a little idiot!" "(high-pitched giggles)" "That is not funny." "Yes, it is!" "No, it's not!" "I think it is." "JOSE:" "Me, too." "LOL." "Shut up!" "You guys have been awesome." "Thank you." "Good night." "(rock music plays)"