"well, my name is alf and i'm stuck on earth." "i can't get back to my place of birth." "makin' the best of a bad situation." "think of it as an extended vacation." "yeah!" "well i didn't come here looking for trouble." "i'm just here doing the alien shuffle." "take it, lynn." "well how do you do, my name is lynn." "i'm doing some rapping with an alien." "he's kind of short;" "a little bit furry;" "i'd rap some more but i'm in a hurry." "hey, look who's here." "his name is willie." "come rap with us." "let's all get silly." "i'd love to alf, but i've got to get ready... i just wanted to tell lynn that her mother needed her." "that isn't even close to rhyming." "i wasn't trying." "you can come out now, if you want." "come here." "listen to this." "let me know when this gets irritating." "now!" "now!" "it's irritating almost at once." "what was that?" "melmacian mating call." "like it?" "it's charming." "does it have any effect?" "knocks 'em unconscious!" "i'd better go." "i'm beginning to feel faint." "while we're gone, i trust you won't get into mischief." "you do?" "not really." "but, we've got to go." "come on!" "what?" "out of there!" "ah, gee, i never do anything right." "round and round she goes." "where she stops, nobody knows." "i changed this lyric." "want to listen?" "umm mmm." "* asparagus, asparagus * * put us on your table * * asparagus, asparagus * * we'll make you feel more able * what was the change?" "i changed "according to aunt mabel,"" "to "we'll make you feel more able."" "i like aunt mabel better." "i thought you were watching "wheel of fortune."" "i am." "buy a vowel!" "maybe there's another word that rhymes with table." "there's.. grable, gable, fable... this is a show for 1st graders and it's tonight." "i don't think i'd make any big changes." "you're right, "more able" stays." "fine, you're the writer." "vanna honey, when you stand sideways, they can't see the letters!" "i'd better tell brian "aunt mabel" is out." "where is he?" "i don't know." "he's in the kitchen boning the salmon." "i'll tell him later." "now for my dramatic verdian bridge." "** spin that sucker!" "** what a wimp!" "could you keep it down!" "yeah, willie, have some consideration!" "this is a very important show." "i know, it's the semifinals." "not "wheel of fortune," "the nutrition follies,"" "brian's school pageant." "now, if you don't mind!" "boning the salmon?" "here you go, alf." "where's the head?" "give that to me!" "you're not to eat boned salmon in here." "fine, who want's it without the head, anyway?" "brian come here." "i changed this, to make it easier." "i'll show you." "* asparagus, asparagus * * put it on your table * * asparagus, asparagus * * will make you feel more able * i liked aunt mabel." "forget it, kid." "you're spittin' in the wind." "let's try on your costume." "it's too big." "i made you a new one that's small." "let's see how it looks." "hop in there." "there you go." "there!" "an official aspara-guy, what do you think?" "oh, brian, you look so cute!" "you're going to make a great celery stalk." "he's an asparagus." "oh." "i'd rather be a celery." "we've got a few minutes, before the last rehearsal." "let's go over the song before spencer gets here." "i stink!" "spencer says so." "what d'you care what spencer says?" "he laughs at me and makes me forget the words." "i don't like him." "he's mean." "that's not really fair." "i'm sure spencer has some fine qualities." "that's not what you said last night." "maybe an unkind word slipped in." "you said the kid was fungus!" "i did not..." "and if i did, that's not the point." "what was the point?" "the point is moot." "the little fungus is here now." "come on, alf." "i know, 86 the alien." "let's go to my room." "what about the salmon?" "forget about the salmon!" "forgotten!" "why would anyone throw away the head?" "remember, don't let spencer get to you." "i'll try." "hi, spencer." "look what i got from my dad;" "dr. potato famine." "wow!" "can i look at it?" "no way. you might wreck it." "from your father?" "is he back in town?" "zurich; his secretary sent this to me, but he told her to." "why don't we try on our costumes and get started." "where is it?" "right over here." "you call that an asparagus?" "it looks like a zucchini." "why don't we rehearse first, then try on costumes." "okay, but nobody touch this." "it's very expensive." "i'll guard it with my life." "here's material i've written to open the act." "what act?" "i thought i'd tell jokes to liven things up." "always open with comedy and close with a song." "brian, you want to come try this." "let's see if you get it right this time." "asparagus?" "* asparagus are long and green * * and good for you to eat * * will make you body strong and lean * pick it up!" "* our flavor can't be .. * *... be beat * can't you remember anything?" "leave me alone." "guys, we're trying to do this together." "it takes a lot of cooperation." "let's try it at the refrain." "let me do it for you." "* asparagus, asparagus * * put us on your table * * asparagus, asparagus * * we'll make you feel more able * aunt mabel?" "i changed it." "you changed it!" "i changed it." "this has more impact." "nobody knows who aunt mabel... this is the way we're doing it!" "you're the writer." "let's try it." "* asparagus, asparagus * * put us on your table * * asparagus, asparagus * * we'll make you feel aunt mabel * i can't work with him!" "no spencer, the jokes about your ex-wife won't work." "no priests, no rabbis, and no ministers!" "no, spencer, the song stays as it is." "okay, everybody, almost show time." "ready?" "just about." "here's your costume." "i don't want to go." "honey, it will be a lot of fun." "all your friends will be there." "yeah, they need you." "nobody needs asparagus." "william, may i have a word with the boy?" "alf, he's our son." "we'll handle this." "fine. i'm a dot on the horizon." "i know that spencer bothers you, but you can't let that stop you." "10 or 20 years from now, nobody will remember the nutrition follies, but you'll remember you did your best." "i don't care." "i don't want to." "i'm scared." "lots of famous people get stage fright." "i read somewhere that rod stewart gets cramps;" "hyperventilates... lynn!" "i'll wait in the car." "if you really don't want to sing, we'll just sit and watch." "take your costume in case you change your mind." "let's get in the car." "good, you solved it without me." "we managed to fumble through." "so brian, you going to sing?" "not exactly, but we are going." "so, you blew it." "i think i've got a fix on the kid's problem." "mind if i talk to him alone, for a minute?" "just keep it short." "come on over here, pal." "we'll be in the car, brian." "we are pals, aren't we?" "yeah." "what's the problem?" "it's that spencer guy, isn't it?" "let me tell you a story about a guy with the same problem." "a guy named gordon." "who's he?" "someone i grew up with on melmac." "nice kid; handsome, intelligent, great athlete, wonderful sense of humor, ha!" "it was you, wasn't it?" "how'd you guess?" "anyway... your name's really gordon?" "yeah, gordon." "that's funny." "it was my mother's maiden name, all right?" "sorry." "anyway, back on melmac, i was in a dinner theater production of "man of la mancha."" "i was playing sancho panza." "it was opening night." "there was a full house." "i was about to sing my first number, when suddenly, i froze." "i was like this." "yeah!" "your name is really gordon?" "just go with me on this, okay?" "i'm up there." "i'm frozen." "i can't remember my opening number." "the audience was getting hostile." "they were ready to throw bread sticks, when the guy who played don quixote, pulled me aside and gave me this good luck charm." "a tooth?" "yeah!" "his 124 year molar." "did it bring you good luck?" "ha!" "you bet!" "i got through my song, "the impossible dream,"" "and every other song in the show." "for an encore i did a couple from "gypsy."" "yeah, but will it work on asparagus songs?" "no problem!" "don quixote says it works on vegetables, too." "just stick it in your back pocket." "you'll go out there and knock 'em dead." "great!" "i will." "thanks, gordon." "don't worry, kid." "you'll be swell." "oh, no." "brian!" "hello, jack rabbit delivery service?" "i'm looking at your ad in the yellow pages." "how'd you feel about delivering a tooth to an asparagus?" "hello, hello?" "let's hear it for the two garlics!" "now, we'll take a short break, while we air out the stage." "okay guys, come on." "we follow the garlics." "it's gone!" "what's gone?" "my lucky tooth!" "i can't go out there!" "what lucky tooth?" "the one that alf gave me for courage." "next, a treat from our friends in the vegetable family." "i give you the aspara-guys." "i want you to go out there and do those jokes." "oh, boy!" "my big break!" "i'm trying to understand this tooth business." "hello, i need a cab here, as soon as possible." "167 hemdale." "it's an unassuming house that needs a paint job." "you'll be going to the franklin elementary school." "how many passengers?" "none, just a tooth." "hello?" "a kid walks into the principal's office.." "with a duck on his head." "the principal says, "my gosh how did this happen?"" "the duck says, "it started as a growth on my foot."" "what's wrong?" "it wasn't funny." "i mean where is brian?" "is this an audience or an oil painting." "no matter how special the tooth may be, you can't count on that to give you courage." "why not?" "courage doesn't come from a thing." "it comes from inside;" "from in you." "if you can sing with a lucky charm, you can sing without one." "what if i mess up?" "you won't mess up, son." "even if you do, it doesn't matter." "the important thing is to give it your best shot." "may your daughters marry substitute teachers!" "what about spencer?" "i just bombed!" "the meat section hates me." "they don't hate you." "they just don't understand comedy." "spencer, you're crying." "no, i was standing too close to the onions." "look, i'm going to introduce a vegetable!" "is it going to be green or red?" "what's it going to be, guys?" "i'm not going." "you aren't?" "no, i'm scared." "you are?" "yeah, i don't think i can remember it." "you say, "asparagus are long and green, and good for you to eat."" "and i say, "we'll make your body strong and lean, our flavor can't be beat."" "oh, yeah." "right, dad?" "right." "introduce the aspara-guys." "where are they?" "i don't know." "i'm going back there." "okay, here we go." "sit down lady!" "now, at long last, the aspara-guys!" "come on, you can do it." "hello, bye bye travel?" "when's your next flight to hawaii?" "perfect, good." "on the way to the islands, could we stop at the franklin elementary school?" "hello?" "hello?" "* so when you're in the store just take this tip from us * * buy asparagus **" "all right brian, i guess it's up to me." "yeah." "alf?" "alf, what are you doing?" "uh, uh, my uncle died." "alf, i did it." "i sang my song!" "you did?" "without the lucky tooth." "he was great." "the best vegetable!" "courage doesn't come from a tooth, it comes from in here." "that's close enough." "thanks anyway." "come on, brian." "let's get ready for bed." "* asparagus, asparagus * brian, we were great!" "i'm glad the kid did so well." "i guess i'll go change." "it's getting hot in here." "alf... yes... i don't think your uncle died." "then who did we bury?" "i think you were going to sneak out, and bring brian that tooth." "i wasn't going to sneak." "i was going to hot wire a car." "whatever." "you were very concerned about brian." "i think that was very sweet." "you want to hug me, don't you?" "maybe we could start with a handshake." "deal!" "i feel ridiculous."