"It's been a long, dry summer, my friend." "But finally, the antelope are returning to the watering hole." "JP, you know how..." "I had sex last year?" "Howard, please don't make me think about your penis." "Well, I thought about it and I liked it." "I would like to do it again." "Are you asking me to train you up like a monkey?" "OK." "I like it." "I boss you round, tell you what to do." "It'll be like Driving Miss Daisy." "Or like when Caligula made his horse a senator." "Pussy Haven?" "Really, JP?" "What's wrong with 28 Hartnell?" "It's evocative..." "of where the house is." "It's boring. 25 Hartnell, 26 Hartnell, 27 Hartnell..." "Ooh, I know what's coming next." "Or do I?" "Boom" " Pussy Haven." "You don't get it, do you?" "It's romantic." "It's stylish." "And it is very, very sexy." "Candice was home-schooled." "She's a... very sensitive person." "We were worried about the sort of people she'd meet in halls." "It's an unsettling time, a time of change." "We thought she'd be better off living with second years." "Would you keep an eye out for her?" "Oh, absolutely." "If she's hot, I'm definitely going to fuck her." "Oh..." "What?" "!" "Come on, Kingsley, the newbies are incoming." "Fuck trains full of hot bods." "First year is beer year, third year is fear year but second year is... spear year." "Oh, boys, it's going to be fuck-ageddon." "Porn sex on tap." "I've got a sex engine and it runs on cum." "I was going to make tea, but I feel like I'd be swimming through JP's semen to get there." "Mate, you're just jealous because you're all, like, Mrs Heather." "Heather?" "It's basically over." "You broke up?" "She's been out east with her family, I sent her an Updike, she sent me The End Of The Affair." "Pretty much says it all." "Right..." "We texted loads at first, then a few e-mails, then nothing." "I guess we'll do the break-up formalities when she's back, but..." "Yeah." "She had one of her scabs laminated and sent me that, so..." "What about Josie?" "Josie who?" "Josie who lived here?" "Josie who moved to Southampton?" "Oh, Josie!" "Josie, Josie, Josie!" "That cat." "That whole weird trip is over like Dover." "Yeah, OK, I did think about her a bit." "In fact, in July, I kind of... wrote her a book." "You wrote her a book?" "!" "But then in August I binned it." "Perfect." "So you're single!" "You boys can be my wingmen, feasting on the hotties that I reject." "Oh, boys, it's going to be incredible." "Team Hard-on." "The Three Cockateers." "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly." "Does anyone want any of my shit?" "If anyone wants anything, take it." "Yep." "Read." "Uh-huh." "Decent introduction to the subject." "Not her best." "I just realised some stuff in South America." "Like what?" "Like some people are rich and some people are poor." "Where's Vod?" "She is coming back, right?" "I mean, I knew it, but now I know it." "I mean, I thought I knew it on my year off, but, God..." "I was such a dick on my year off." "I mean, I thought I knew everything, but really I knew nothing." "Now..." "I know everything." "Did something happen in South America?" "With you and Vod?" "Yes." "We had an amazing time and then we just came back on slightly different flights." "So, my dad's a piano tutor and my mum is a translator and a seamstress." "And I've got four brothers and one sister, which means we can play as an octet." "Although it can get pretty intense and Martha had to have her nails trimmed after she scarred Milo's cheek." "'Oh...!" "'Well, I hope you'll be really happy in our house." "'Er, the... the house.' Thank you!" "And are you having a good time, whoever you are, wherever you are?" "'Me?" "Er, yeah - totally!" "'Totally." "It's mental." "It's brilliant down here, I'm loving it.'" "The robot doth protest too much, methinks." "'Fuck off, Kingsley." "What?" "Oi - 'don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!" "'Can someone turn me round, please?" "I can't see him." "'Thank you, Candice." "'So, yeah, it's a bit lame 'but, erm, if you fancied it, there's a traffic-light party, 'down here..." "Friday...?" "'" "A traffic-light party..." "in Southampton?" "Salt marshes of the Solent." "I'm not getting burnt twice, sweetheart." "Yeah, I don't think so." "Soz, Jose." "'Come on, guys, it's Freshers' Week!" "'" "So is this like a normal night for you guys, then?" "The salt marshes, the... pineapple, the iPad and everything?" "Ah!" "No!" "Are you kidding?" "I mean, I'm just surprised that nobody's OD'd already." "I've got a bloody loyalty card at A  E..." "Oh, that is tart!" "All right, losers?" "Oh, yeah, now we're talking!" "Now we can get the party started." "You all right, Vod?" "All right?" "All right, Josie?" "'All right, Vod?" "'" "All right, mate?" "All right, mate?" "So how was everything, the flight and...?" "Yeah, fine." "Good." "Oh!" "So..." "Are we going to get fucked or what?" "Fuck, yeah." "See what I mean?" "I've got it." "Let's crash the Freshers' Ball." "Aw, look at them all!" "Freshers." "It's just so funny, isn't it?" "'They've all got so much to learn." "'I mean, technically I'm a fresher, of course, 'but I've got the brain of a second year.'" "You dancing?" "Nah." "Now... we're just surveying." "OK." "Nice." "Horny surveyors." "Sexual speed cameras." "It's vital to identify the hottest hottie to avoid the nightmare scenario " "I dive in, grab myself a hottie, but then there's a hotter hottie, and it's too late, I'm already committed." "You could make a provisional choice and manacle her to some pipe work while you continue your search." "Yeah." "Mock me all you like," "Knutsford, but you need to get in there." "Freshers' Week started yesterday." "They're already getting less vulnerable by the hour." "Give me tips." "Feed me." "OK." "For you, a classic." "I bet you £20 that you're going to turn me down." "It's a logic problem." "There's literally no way out." "I like it." "It's crafty." "That could be quite the money-spinner." "Right." "Target identified." "In I go." "Laters, chronic masturbators." "Competition." "That's the last thing I need." "Other men curdling my sex stew." "We need to get away from him." "In fact, even you could be a distraction." ""Even" me." "What do you mean, "even" me?" "'Stop, thief!" "'" "What the hell?" "Are you just watching us like we're Homeland?" "Do you even go out?" "Do you just sit in your room like a hamster?" "Morning, guys." "Morning, Josie." "'Morning, Candice!" "'" "Oh, just sparking' a massive doobie." "Ooh, as per bloody usual!" "Ha!" "Bang on the hoochie?" "Sure, why not?" "Every bloody morning." "Goddamn you, weed." "Good morning." "Is this... the house... of Vod?" "I am her, er, friend... of Mexico." "Sorry, I'm..." "Oh, my... fuckin' life." "Brilliant!" "Oh!" "Ohh!" "Aahh!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "OK, everything's a bit hairy out there, a bit, you know, real." "Are you OK?" "Yeah, I'm OK, if everyone will stop staring at me for one single solitary second!" "Hi, everyone!" "This is Javier." "Javier - everyone." "Mucho gusto." "Oregon!" "His English isn't great, but you can sort of tell what he means if you look hard at his face." "Me dijiste que te viniera a ver cuando sea." "Asi que vendi la moto, y aqui me tienes." "He says you said come visit you whenever, so he sold his moped, and here he is." "Tell him, "Wicked!" Excelente!" "Te quiero." "Hmm?" "He loves you." "Fucking hell, Vod, I would have thought you would know that one by now" " I did that one a lot." "Did you have to do this all the time in Mexico?" "Yeah." "It was fine." "Oh, tell him we go upstairs now to..." "Well, actually, we were always pretty good at working that one out." "So, he gave/sold me the peyote and it lasted for four days." "And while I was high, I read the whole of Chomsky and the whole of this Argos catalogue that Vod had brought." "I basically saw it all." "We had an Argos catalogue, but my dad tore out certain sections." "Anyway, I can show you it all." "I mean, if you can handle it." "I'll take you under my wing and I'll bust your head wide open." "Like, in a good way." "Just... don't get too hung up on me, yeah?" "Um..." "OK." "Javier seems nice." "Yeah." "How long were you two out there before Vod got together with him?" "Oh, ages." "Yeah, like..." "Um, like a week." "Like three days." "I'm not sure you can round up three days to a week." "Oh, you can, Candy." "If you try!" "So, if you just pop your name and number down there, we'll get in touch about the hot-tub social later in the week." "Sorry." "Um..." "We're full." "Why don't you go and sign up for Circus Skills." "They actively encourage shitheads!" "Dry Slope Skiing?" "Well, it turns out that certain student societies are virtually memberless, but still legal entities." "Shells ripe for the hostile takeover." "We have an admissions policy which is extremely favourable towards high-level pussy." "It's eugenics run by FHM." "What if you get some hair in the mix?" "That's hardly going to happen, because he's so smooth and ripped." "Like a great, firm man-peach." "So, how long's Javier staying?" "He's flying back on Sunday." "What's earlobe in Espanola?" "I don't know." "El lobulo de la oreja." "What's, "You have juicy earlobes, you hunky fucker"?" "Tienes lobulos jugosos, cabron hunky." "Me estas calentando." "Te voy a poner la cogida de tu vida." ""Ha, ha, ha, I'm going to do naughty things to your areas."" "Promises, promises!" ""Promesas, promesas."" "OK, this is just flirty chitchat, so I'm bowing out now." "Apparently, he was offered a place at a soccer academy in San Diego." "But preferred the beach life." "That's why he didn't take up the medical school place." "I bet if there was a dog with a broken leg, he could sort it out." "What do you think, Jose?" "Josie!" "'What?" "'" "'Josie, we're leaving now!" "'" "'Wait for me, Baz, I'm coming!" "'" "'See you later." "I'm going to a foam party!" "'" "A foam party?" "!" "You serious?" "What is this, 2006?" "You missing her, Kingo?" "No, of course not." "I mean, I miss her as a presence, but not as a being." "Interesting distinction." "I miss her." "I'm not afraid to say so." "And not just cos she was "old dependable"." "My downstairs sex hole." "You can't say that." "Well, I can, Kingsley, because I had sex with Josie just as much as you did." "Yeah, but I liked her." "I liked her too." "You know, I'm not a beast, Kingsley." "JP, are you cooking?" "Yes, I'm cooking." "Obviously, I'm cooking." "I've never seen you cook anything." "That's because I've never wanted to fuck you." "If I'd wanted to fuck you, you would have seen a hell of a lot more of my fondue." "That is a fon-don't." "This is not for you." "It's for our bitches." "This is it, boys." "The hot-tub social." "We are going to fuck so many freshers." "And we're not going to take no for an answer." "No, we will take no for an answer." "OK, but we'll take it somewhat reluctantly." "Hi, ladies." "How wonderful of you to join us." "Howard." "This is awful..." "So lame." "Oh, me?" "Howard." "I just threw this on." "It's my favourite jumper!" "Yeah, so what are you doing?" "Yeah, just..." "practising the normality." "Yep." "Good to get some practice in." "So, look..." "What, no blokes?" "Apart from you three." "OK, I admit it, the Dry Slope Skiing Society, it's a shell." "We only took it over to try and get girls round the house." "Relax." "It's OK." "I wouldn't have come if I hadn't wanted." "No?" "I made a vow to my god, Jim Carey, to say yes to everything I was offered during Freshers' Week and see what happens." "Yeah." "So far I've had a fuck of a lot of cups of tea." "I'm Sam, by the way." "H-Bomb!" "Please, don't call me that!" "Is the hot tub hot yet?" "Feels like in a couple of minutes it may be merely cold." "Listen, Howard!" "I'm Captain Kirk, you're Scotty." "I expect you to be able to make basic engineering decisions." "JP, it's a large amount of water and the heating element is extremely small." "We are losing bodies through there!" "Seriously, sort that shit out, Preparation H." "That is considerably worse." "So, tell me, Howard, when were you sold into captivity and how much would I have to pay to free you from your Aryan overlord?" "I'm busy, otherwise I'd be zinging you straight back." "Feel free to pop it in the post." "Hey, it's hot-tub time, ladies." "Don't go yet!" "Things are just hotting up!" "'You definitely not coming down for the traffic-light party?" "'" "Josie, don't be like that." "I'm sorry." "OK, I'm calling a meeting of Team Hard-On." "H from Steps, we need to get the hotties into the hot tub." "That is directive number one." "How do we make that happen?" "You know, the hot tub doesn't actually make girls hot, JP." "We trip them into it." "We apparently humorously chuck them into the hot tub." "No." "Terrible." "Horrible." "Look, I have a lot of ideas, some of them are bound to be a bit idiotic." "It's up to you boys to be my brain-sieve." "OK, everyone, can I get you outside?" "Out we go." "OK, ladies." "It's time to get down to our bra and panties and make our way into the hot tub." "You first." "Fine." "I hear you." "Probably fair enough." "Cheeky." "Ah!" "Fucking hell!" "That... is..." "lovely!" "Oh..." "God, it's nice in here." "Hot tub!" "Come and join me in the hot tub!" "It's so... hot in the hot tub." "So I've got a list of dry-slope skiing questions here, is it OK if I ask them now?" "All right." "See we've got a troublemaker!" "You winkled me out." "There was a bit of an ulterior motive to this club." "But don't worry, it's not horrible, it's nice." "So, all I can say is..." "Bloody congratulations!" "Ladies, you have all made it into the house that we call - playfully, with a cheeky wink - Pussy Haven." "Good night!" "Honestly, it's not sleazy." "It's an honour." "You should be giving yourselves a pat on the back." "It's every young, ambitious woman's dream to win a place in the Playboy Mansion." "And you are the lucky few that have made it in." "So, I humbly offer up myself, and my faithful hound Howard, to tend to your every emotional, spiritual and physical need." "Let the Hunger Games begin." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Let's just walk away." "Es que, en ingles no se, pero..." "Javier's been trying to talk to me for, like, the last hour." "Que quieres decirle?" "Bueno, que no pasa nada, pero hay mala vibra entre nosotros." "He says, no big deal, but he feels like there's been a bit of an atmosphere between you two recently." "Right." "Yeah..." "Let's... talk about everything." "But I'm going to open a bottle of wine, would you kick it off?" "You know the kind of things I think about stuff." "Aw, cheer up, Larry Leadnuts!" "Why don't you head down the bingo and look for Chorlton's hottest granny?" "Yeah, I know what you're implying, Violet, and I'll have you know that the fondue was actually a massive hit." "And I'm going to track down this little hottie called Sam." "Eh, I don't think you should..." "track down Sam." "Why not?" "Because..." "Because I'm going out with her to the pub on Saturday." "Oh, my God." "Howard... did you... pull?" "We're just going to the pub." "She's a psychology student, she may just want to use me as a guinea pig in an upsetting psychological experiment." "Oh, my God, Howard." "You're going for a drink in a pub with a woman?" "!" "We haven't even kissed." "There very probably won't even be any... cocking." "It's not called cocking, mate." "Howard, can I have a word?" "Look, re Sam, you do realise that you're seriously punching above your weight?" "Yes." "She's the hottie, you're the nottie." "You're driving a clown car in the Monaco Grand Prix." "JP, I know she's really attractive..." "Yes, but obviously you don't." "Look, I don't want to be rude, but it's like... she's a proper human being and you're... the Pig Man of Arbroath." "That is quite rude." "She's the kind of woman that I'm attracted to." "That's the level that we're talking here." "JP, I'm sorry, I don't know how this has happened, and of course it worries me, but it is me she's agreed to go to the pub with, and not you." "Guys..." "Look, I am really worried about Josie, I have to say." "Worried she's getting heave-hoed in the dry docks?" "She's been checking and checking if we're going to her pathetic traffic-light party." "I thought her little heart was going to break." "I think maybe we should go down." "Oh, I wouldn't mind getting out and about for a bit." "He won't mind the night off, will he?" "Javier." "Te importa que Vod vaya a Southampton?" "Pero es nuestra ultima noche juntos." "He says, but it's your last night together." "Oh, yeah." "Oh..." "I guess it'd be great to show him Southampton..." "Castle." "Is there a castle?" "There's always a fuckin' castle." "Drinking cider with freshers isn't exactly taking peyote with a shaman." "It wasn't a shaman, he worked at the bus station." "He had a hat!" "Bus conductor's hat." "But a traffic-light party might be fun." "What about you, JP?" "Damn straight I'm coming." "There are officially no hotties in Manchester." "It's a duff year." "A bad vintage." "Hence why I'm starting afresh." "Rolling out the big guns." "My natural assets." "Your beautiful breasts?" "Money and connections." "Yeah, baby." "All aboard, and I WILL buy you a latte, and I WILL take you to a place on the King's Road where Prince Harry got a hand job off an assistant manager at Abercrombie  Fitch." "Look out, motherfuckers, I'm pulling out my privilege." "Josie." "Josie!" "Oh, fuck me gently." "What are you doing here?" "Well, we can leave." "The coach only takes nine hours and I love crouching in that bog." "You could've bought a ticket." "No, no, no, don't go, stay." "It's amazing you came all this way." "We were worried." "We've come to save you." "Would you kindly announce to your housemates that a man with a Coutts gold card is in the house." "So, green." "Interesting." "Just like, "Yeah, I'm green." ""What's the problem?" "Bang, bang, bang." ""You find the mattress, I'll bring the lube."" "Well, better than amber." "I mean, amber's like a text slanty face." "Vague, ambiguous, annoying." "It's mysterious." "Am I safe to drive through, or is there a chance you'll be smashed to death?" "So are you amber because of Heather?" "What?" "No, no, that is over." "Yeah, that's totally over." "So..." "So, now you're young, free and amber," "I can jump on in whenever I feel like it." "No, no, not at all." "It'd be nice just to be friends." "OK, friends, yes." "I've heard of this." "It's when people have coffee and lend each other books without taking all their clothes off." "Yeah." "Red?" "Yeah... mate." "I've seen it a million times before." "Green's way too eager." "Amber's obviously for wankers." "Meanwhile, the sexy, unattainable reds, they're all in the bathroom fucking each other." "Do I have to be green?" "Yeah, you do." "I don't think I like it." "Well, of course you don't like it." "First time, you're gonna be nauseous and shaky, right?" "In fact, you're gonna be so anxious, you'll be desperate for something to take the edge off." "And that's when your old friend coke comes in." "I'm not sure I'm really any good at doing drugs." "Oh, coke is not a drug!" "It's not?" "It's a facilitator for consuming other substances." "Right?" "Think of coke as..." "your mate, poking you awake with a pointy stick at four in the morning, reminding you to pour more and more dirt into your system." "This isn't working." "I think I'm sending out the wrong signals." "Correct, you are literally sending out the wrong signal." "Fuck it, I'm ambering." "Oh, that's a hard kiss." "That can go through plasterboard." "Oh, I'm so proud!" "Oh, yeah, I am... red." "Sorry about that." "No dice." "I'm just standing here, watching the wheels go round and round, watching the monkeys do the love-love dance." "OK." "Much like taking part in a date." "Yeah, dating, so..." "Red... them's the brakes." "Sorry, babe." "Candice is in a bad way in the bathroom." "She's been sick - both ends." "Oh!" "Right, shit!" "Although maybe you could..." "Sorry." "Last night together." "Do you want to check on Candice together?" "I mean, it might be kind of trippy... in some ways." "Er..." "I'm cool." "There must be somebody that wants to get off with me." "I've skied a black run with a dude that has got a photograph of Princess Eugenie's fucking medicine cabinet." "Ladies?" "Who wants to see a box of Fergie's Tampax?" "Vod." "Oh!" "What do you want?" "Are they doing it?" "What?" "Josie and Kingsley." "Do you think they're doing it?" "Yeah, I think they're doing it." "Oh, God." "Under the covers in the dark." "It's like Taliban porn." "Do you really think..." "Definitely doing it." "They've been doing it for about five minutes." "And you've been listening?" "I haven't been listening." "I heard." "There's a very important difference." "Yes, but you have been timing them." "I looked at my watch, it's not the same." "Oh, God." "Do you think Oregon knows?" "I think we should tell her." "If it was me, I'd wan to be told." "What she doesn't know won't hurt her." "Unless... what about if someone slipped inside her?" "That's very unlikely to happen." "Oregon." "Oregon." "What?" "We just wanted to let you know that we think Josie and Kingsley are having sex next to you." "What?" "Are you two humping?" "!" "What?" "Hello?" "How can you ask that?" "That's disgusting." "Josie, truth." "We definitely weren't doing it." "But if we were doing it... we were doing it... incredibly quietly." "Oh, my God!" "You're still doing it!" "No." "I can't believe it!" "I'm..." "I'm having an involuntary threesome." "Right, that's it, I'm having a wank." "We're not having a threesome." "If he's wanking, I'm wanking." "Right, everybody stop wanking." "Who are you - the wank police?" "Howard, go and sleep in the bath." "Let's have an orgy." "I'm sorry..." "Excuse me?" "Come on, you know you all want to." "That's what all of this has been about." "All what?" "Us, living together." "It's all been leading to this." "You want to fuck all of us, JP?" "Apart from me." "Let's just throw ourselves in a sex pie and see what comes out." "I do not wish to be in a sex pie with you, Jonathan." "I am just facing reality here." "I'm not the one that introduced sex into the situation." "Either we pretend that it's not happening or we all get involved." "That's the Blitz spirit." "What happen?" "We might be having an orgy." "I'll keep you posted." "I don't want an orgy." "Why do I have to have an orgy?" "Ssh!" "I'm out." "You were never in." "I'm out too." "No way!" "Come on!" "Guys!" "Update - we're not having an orgy." "Oh, God!" "You people disgust me!" "Oh!" "It's really great you two are back together, by the way." "Oh, cheers." "Thanks, guys." "We've stopped, by the way." "Is Candice still vomming?" "Yeah." "But she's on the dry heaves now." "Bit of a fuss about nothing." "Can you pass me the brown sauce?" "What, so you can use it as lube while you try to fuck us all?" "Don't take it so personally." "I didn't want to have sex with you specifically," "I just wanted to have sex generally." "It's like when you fancy a game of five-a-side, then you call round to see who's available." "And after, you fuck each other in the shower?" "Look, I'm having an existential fucking crisis here." "The self-declared Pig Man of Arbroath is getting more coochie than I am." "You're lucky I'm not trying to nail you all onto the tables right here." "So I'm really glad we came." "Yeah, me too." "And there's something I wanted to tell you." "I'm thinking about shaving off my soul patch." "Oh, God, please do, it'd be so fucking good if you did!" "It's not definite, but... you know..." "the thing is... you know when you make a playlist of all your best stuff then you realise the song you like most is not even on the playlist because you like it so much you're scared of overplaying it?" "I've said too much, haven't I?" "I'm embarrassing myself." "Um... no." "What I'm trying to say is, I know" "I kind of fucked it up the first time and it's kind of..." "It feels old-fashioned, but... ..will you go out with me?" "No." "That's fine." "Of course." "I understand." "But I am willing to make an exclusive commitment to a series of rolling dates." "Oh..." "OK." "Rolling dates?" "Well, that works." "No puedo creer que mi vuelo de regreso sea ya, es demasiado pronto." "He says he can't believe he has to go back today, it's too soon." "Yeah, too soon, much too soon - tragic." "Ella dice que es demasiado pronto." "Mucho antes de tiempo." "Es terrible." "Tragico." "Si lo quiere ella, entonces me puedo olvidar del vuelo, y me quedo, eh?" "He says, if you want, he can forget the flight and stay." "Oh, yeah?" "Great." "Ella dice, "Ah, si?" "Suena muy bien!"" "But it's impossible." "He's ripped up his ticket." "Yeah, I can see that, I don't need that translating." "Te quiero." "Yeah." "Me too, mate." "Totally." "The big date." "Hmm." "Playing it cool." "I'm trying not to open my mouth in case the adrenaline makes me vomit." "Are you preening on an iPad chat?" "Heather's back." "Just gonna ensure the break's clean." "Avoid the awkward "bumping into each other at the union" moment." "Bottle of wine, fish pie and a cry." "So much more mature than the turd through the letter box and hate texts." "Pakow!" "Hey, Kingsley, you big fucking freak!" "So... weird summer, huh?" "Fucking weird summer." "I mean, when I got the scab, the laminated scab, I did think.... maybe that meant..." "Oh, yeah." "That was the last fun thing I did." "And, you know... everything with my grump-pops." "Grump-pops?" "Grump-pops?" "My grandad." "We were all... in and out of the hospital, and..." "Is that why the e-mails went dark?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I've been so up and down." "It's like... everything is so... really intense and funny." "You know, when in a tragedy it's still funny?" "But then, other times..." "I just get so low." "Grump-pops." "Poor Grump-pops." "It'll be OK, won't it?" "It'll be OK." "I mean, it won't be, he's definitely going to die." "But I'll be OK, won't I?" "We'll be OK?" "Yeah." "We'll be OK." "Totally." "Totally."