"I don't get it." "Okay." "Can you help me?" "No, you're on your own here." "Good luck to you, and to you." "And I'll give you a call." "Great." "Nice to see you." "Great." "Thanks for coming in." "Bye." "So, I guess I'll just give you some money... and you can give me these shoes and..." "You know, I know it seems so strange..." "Yes." "I'd just rather buy them from you straight up." "Yeah, I know." "I wish it could be that easy, but..." "I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me." "I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house... so I can wear them." "I got a corpse in my way." "Look out." "Just kill it." "That's just so not fair that you have blades and..." "I'm telling you, man, I feel great." "I'm so..." "It's like a weight has been lifted." "Celibacy is the way to go, man." "Andy had it right, you know?" "Look at him." "He looks younger than all of us... but he's 10 years older." "Why?" "Because he's never had a relationship." "No she-devil sucked his life force out yet." "Hello?" "Hey." "Hi." "Hello." "Is this Trish?" "Who's calling, please?" "This is Andy." "Hi, Andy." "Hi, how you doing?" "I'm good." "How're you doing?" "I'm doing great." "So you're gay, now?" "No, I'm not gay." "I'm just celibate." "I think..." "I mean, that sounds gay." "I just want you to know that this is the first conversation... of three conversations that leads to you being gay." "There's this and then in a year it's like, "You know..." ""I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys. "" "And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now. "" "You're gay for saying that." "I'm gay for saying that?" "You know how I know you're gay?" "How?" "How do you know I'm gay?" "'Cause you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts." "You know how I know you're gay?" "You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore." "You know how I know you're gay?" "How?" "'Cause you're gay and you can tell who other gay people are?" "Do you know how I know you're gay?" "How?" "You like Coldplay." "You're dead." "Come on." "Leave my torso alone at least." "I also wanted to call... and see what night you might want to go out." "I'm actually free tonight." "Okay." "Now, I was thinking maybe this weekend, but that's good." "Okay." "Great." "Okay, what time do you want to pick me up?" "Let's see." "That's actually kind of a problem because I ride a bike." "That's cool." "Are you kidding me?" "I love getting on the back of a motorcycle." "My boyfriend in college drove a motorcycle." "So, I mean, I'm cool." "Yeah, I bet that was cool." "I ride a bicycle." "You know how I know that you're gay?" "How?" "You like the movie Maid in Manhattan." "You know how I know you're gay?" "How?" "I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once." "You know how I know you're gay?" "How?" "You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says:" ""I love it when balls are in my face. "" "That's gay?" "God damn it!" "I'm ripping your head off right now." "It's off." "And now I'm throwing it at your body." "Fuck you!" "You guys... she's picking me up in an hour." "Oh, drag, dude." "She's picking you up from here?" "Yeah." "That's fucked up, man." "Why?" "Why?" "Seriously." "I mean, look at this place, man." "You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know?" "What is she going to think when she comes in here?" "Look." "He's got a billion toys." "So what?" "And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid." "It's all right." "Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?" "It's Oscar Goldman." "Why do you have that?" "That's worth a lot of money." "That's much more valuable than Steve Austin." "Well, that may be the case." "But none of this shit is sexy, okay?" "I'm not trying to be sexy, man." "I mean, seriously, Asia?" "You framed an Asia poster?" "How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?" "They did not laugh at me." "Know why you're gay?" "Because you like Asia." "You guys cool it with the gay." "You know, she's on her way over here, okay?" "First, you relax, okay?" "Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do." "Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here." "So it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Good." "So, you wanna head out?" "Did you just move in or something?" "No." "Actually I'm getting new carpet in." "I'm having carpet put in tomorrow, so..." "Well, you know." "Yeah." "Okay." "Looks good with the floors." "Yeah." "All right." "I should tear up the hard wood... and see if there's carpet underneath." "That's never the case." "This is gonna be fun." "Yes." "You know, I drive by this place every day." "I've never been in before." "I'm glad you came." "You know, I never really go out with nice guys like you." "I think I've avoided nice guys like you my whole life... at my own peril." "My last boyfriend drank a lot." "Mmm-hmm." "And so..." "This is just punch." "No, it's okay." "A little bit's fine." "Buddha punch." "I need some Buddha." "Excuse me, miss." "Could you gather your team... and sing happy birthday for my daughter, please?" "That was so good." "What?" "That was great." "Happy birthday." "It's your birthday, too?" "No." "It's his birthday, too." "No, no, no." "Could you sing for him and bring him a cake?" "Happy birthday." "Thanks a lot." "Happy birthday, Andy." "You really like kissing, don't you?" "Yes." "I really do." "Take off your pants, okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "Wow, this is really gonna happen." "Oh, yeah." "Thank God." "Okay, I'm taking off my pants." "Yeah." "Do you need some help?" "I think I almost got them." "It's hooked on my ankle." "Wow, that's..." "Hey, wait." "Do you have protection?" "I don't like guns." "That's funny." "I have condoms right here." "Okay?" "Okay." "There's, you know..." "Check the expiration date because they were from when I was married." "And we didn't have sex that often." "That's why there are so many, okay?" "Okay." "I got them." "How does this go?" "Okay. "Roll over the tip and down onto the base. "" "Over the balls?" "It doesn't say." "Do you mind if I use your magnum?" "Yeah." "Wow." "You got to be kidding." "I am Aquaman." "What is that?" "Mom?" "What's going on here?" "Who the hell are you?" "It's Andy." "Hi, I'm Andy." "God!" "What are you doing?" "Marla, get the fuck out of my room!" "You know what..." "I cannot believe that you're allowed to have sex when I'm not!" "That is so unfair." "I'm gonna head out." "You should go." "Oh, Jesus!" "How many times did you just do it?" "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry." "Dude, teach me." "Hotline." "Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours... and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours." "How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?" "I haven't taken any, but your ad said... that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call." "You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I must not have heard that part." "Yes." "If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call." "Right." "I'm sorry." "Right." "So, there's nothing you can do?" "I just don't wanna..." "There's nothing I can do." "I'm in Bombay, India." "Okay." "No, not you personally." "I just don't want..." "I just don't want to have an erection anymore." "You know, you could have sex." "Okay." "Yup." "That's one thing people do when they have an erection." "Yeah, that's not an option." "I don't have sex." "Okay, well, then you can masturbate." "I'd rather not masturbate." "If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match...  blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist." "And that will focus the brain elsewhere...  and you will lose your erection." "Really?" "That'd work?" "Take your finger and flick your testicle...  and if you do that till it hurts...  your erection will go away." "Okay, all right." "It sounds unpleasant and it is." "It is a trick we use in India." "Okay, those are all good pieces of advice." "I really appreciate it." "We appreciate your business." "Oh, no." "We didn't get your business..." "No, not this time." "I guess I didn't need you this time." "Thank you." "My goodness, Andy, you are a terrific salesman." "Thank you." "Gosh, you really got it down." "Thanks." "And your numbers are good." "Thanks." "I'm going to put you out on the floor full time." "Really?" "Yeah." "Wow." "Okay." "Good." "We're gonna get you a blue shirt and tie, all right?" "Great." "Thanks." "You know, Andy, I've been thinking about your problem." "I think I might have a solution for you." "You ever heard of the term "fuck buddy"?" "What?" "It's a special friend... who you fuck." "No, haven't heard that term." "When I was a little girl, I developed early." "By the time I was 14, I had this body you're looking at." "Can you imagine that?" "I don't want to, no." "Well, needless to say, a lot of male attention." "Like men, yes." "Especially from our Guatemalan gardener, Javier." "Okay." "You know, Javier... before he made passionate yet gentle love to me for the first time... he serenaded me with a beautiful old Guatemalan love song." "Really, that's..." "That sounds nice." "Okay." "My goodness." "I think we better get back to work." "Yeah." "Yeah, I better go back to work." "Yeah." "So, okay." "All right." "So, you mull it over and I'll talk to you soon." "All right, I will." "Thank you." "Okay." "What's up, dawg?" "What happened?" "How was the date with Trish?" "It was a disaster." "Really?" "Yes." "I've never been more embarrassed in my life." "Couldn't get the condoms to work." "And one of them exploded on my balls." "And then her kid walked in the room." "Wait." "Hold up." "She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?" "You know what, it doesn't matter... because it was going downhill straight from there." "Listen, you don't want no baby-daddy drama." "Trust me on this one, all right?" "For all you know, he in prison right now." "Let's say y'all living together." "Next thing you know, you the one going on the 1st and the 15th... to pick up the government check." "What if he got boys that's on the outside... and they stalking you?" "You see what I'm saying?" "You got to think, partner..." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "Here's what you do." "You tell her you're a virgin." "You test her with this shit, okay?" "Here, tell me." "Tell me." "This is how it's gonna go." "Tell me." "I'm a virgin." "Sweet." "I like that because you don't have Chlamydia." "And I know that, and that shit is everywhere." "What if she laughs at me, though?" "Then you punch her in the fucking head if she laughs." "I'm not going to punch her in the head." "She's really sweet." "No." "I mean, you punch her in her fucking head emotionally." "She's different." "She's someone I felt like I had... a connection with." "All you trying to do right now is bust off this first night." "You got a whole lot of semen back up in you." "I am going to tell her." "You should totally tell her, man." "I'm going to." "'Cause I watched this movie called Liar Liar...  and the message was, "Don't lie. "" "And that was a smart movie." "Yeah, that's the right thing." "Yeah." "Really?" "All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins, too?" "That's funny." "I didn't even know you girls talked like that." "I think my first time might be your best time, too." "Well, I knew it." "You know what..." "I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that... you would want to lead me through my first sexual encounter... with all the compassion and care that someone... would give to their soul mate." "Oh, my God." "I'm in trouble." "Hey, Andy." "You watching Survivor tonight?" "No, actually I'm going out to dinner with somebody." "Hi." "This is her." "Trish, this is Joe and Sara." "Hi." "Hi, Trish." "Hey." "But tape it for me, okay?" "Will do." "All right." "Thanks." "So long." "Bye-bye." "See you later." "Have a good night." "Yeah, my man's gonna get it on tonight." "Yes, sir." "Yeah, and you better get on me, too." "What is wrong with this woman?" "Mercy, mercy, mercy." "I'm so sorry that happened the other night." "No, I'm sorry." "Oh, my God." "That was me." "No." "Let me..." "I have something I want to tell you." "Kind of hard to talk about." "But... you know, there are certain things... about who I am that..." "I'm sorry." "I just have to get this off my chest." "I am so sorry, I didn't tell you I had kids." "Yeah, what was that about?" "Gosh." "You know, that really surprised me." "No, you should have told me probably, but..." "I'm sorry." "I know." "What do I care if you have a kid?" "Well, I have two kids." "Wow." "Okay." "How old are they?" "Six." "Sixteen." "Twenty-one." "Forty-two." "Fifty-six." "How many kids do you have?" "I have three." "Okay, three." "Yeah, and one of them has a kid." "A one-year-old." "That's cool." "That's great." "I'm really glad we're doing this." "Me, too." "Listen, Andy..." "I don't want to send you running for the hills or anything, but..." "I really feel like if we decide to do this again, then... maybe we should hold off on the physical part for a while." "That is a fantastic idea." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Really?" "Totally." "No sex?" "No." "Why do that?" "Because here's the thing." "From personal experience..." "I found that sex can really complicate things." "And what we should be doing right now is getting to know each other." "Yeah." "Well, I never thought you'd go for it." "I'm going for it." "Well, that just is a great, great notion." "Are you serious?" "Look at my face." "Look at how serious I am." "Can you see my nostrils?" "Yes." "That's serious." "That's more angry." "Yeah, you know what, most guys would be saying:" ""Yeah," right now, but, like, by the third date, it would be:" ""Hey, baby, I really need to physically express how I feel"... and all that stuff." "Well, hey, baby... you know, three dates..." "Make it 10, 10 dates." "How about 15?" "Fifteen." "Screw your 15." "20 dates." "Okay, 20 dates." "Twenty dates." "Okay." "This is genius." "It's gonna hurt." "Not as much as you think." "We can really get to know each other this way." "Yeah." "This is one, right?" "No, next one." "Is it safe to come in, or are you guys doing it?" "Honey, it's safe." "Great." "Well, good timing." "Yeah." "You remember Marla." "Hi, we met." "And this is my little bunny rabbit." "Julia." "Hey." "This is Andy." "Julia, how you doing?" "You know what, do you by any chance like magic?" "Yeah." "I thought that you might." "Because I noticed on the way in... that you had something shiny behind your ear." "Marla, did you see that?" "Something behind her ear?" "You think you do?" "Could I check?" "Do you mind if I check behind your ear?" "Big money!" "That's amazing." "Wow, it is amazing." "There's something else, too, behind your ear, I think." "No, actually it's not behind your ear." "I think it is your ear." "Rip!" "It is your ear." "There is your ear." "I ripped it off." "Gross!" "Yeah, that's..." "All right." "Wait." "Okay, but that means that you... walk around with a rubber ear in your pocket all day?" "Yeah, like half the time." "You know, I can come to your high school... and do it for your friends if you want." "You know what, I should head out." "Really?" "Yeah." "I have to give you a ride home." "Right." "Yes, you do." "Yeah, 'cause you don't have a car or anything, right?" "Right, I don't have a car." "'Cause he doesn't have a car, and he does magic." "Awesome." "And sarcasm is like a second language to me." "So, I'm right there with you." "But, Dad..." "I don't know how to love." "You never... taught me how..." "Hello." "Hey, Cal." "Hey." "I just got back from a date." "Did you tell her you're a virgin?" "No." "I haven't gotten to that yet." "Really?" "Are you having sex right now?" "No." "She was incredible." "She was amazing." "She didn't pressure me." "And she has three kids." "And one of her kids has a kid." "You all right?" "Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?" "Yeah." "So, so, she's a grandma?" "No." "I'm not a doctor or anything like that...  but she's a fucking grandma." "Yeah, whatever, you know." "She's the hottest grandma I ever saw." "Yeah, she is." "She's a hot grandma." "That's a good-looking grandma." "My grandma looks like Jack Palance." "Well, she's no Jack Palance." "No." "If Jack Palance looked like that lady..." "I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now." "Yeah, me, too." "She's a hot grandma." "Heck, yeah." "No, do a grandma, man." "You should fuck her on her plastic-covered couch." "Fuck her while she watches Murder, She Wrote." "She would probably find that very erotic." "Yeah, whatever, you know." "Fuck her and then have her send you a check for $12 on your birthday." "I'm the dude with the hot granny." "What did you want to talk to me about?" "Well, Andy, the numbers just came in... and you are by far our best salesman." "So, I am promoting you to floor manager." "This is the bullshit of all bullshits!" "You scumbag!" "Ass kisser!" "Thank you." "That's great." "I understand you have a girlfriend." "Yeah, kind of seeing somebody." "I'm very happy for you." "Thanks." "She's great." "Are you still a virgin?" "You know, I don't really... talk about my personal life." "You're a virgin." "Yes, I am." "Yeah." "My door is always open." "So to speak." "Great." "Great." "Thank you." "I'm very discreet." "But I'll haunt your dreams." "Okay." "Okay." "Wow." "So who's gonna take my job?" "Cal will be taking over your job." "And he's interviewing people right now... for his old job." "So, have you ever worked with electronics before?" "No." "No?" "But I have electronics in my home." "Perfect." "That's the job pretty much." "You're very well-qualified." "More than these other losers." "I could do that..." "Wait, last thing." "I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it... for the price of "on the house. "" "That I can't do." "Hey, don't be a Negro." "Be my nigger." "All right?" "Help me out." "Hold up." "I ain't nobody's nigger." "I mean, you're somebody's nigger wearing this nigger tie." "Now you being condescending." "See, you've been warned, all right?" "Just move forward amicably." "Okay." "Well, check this out." "First of all, you're throwing too many big words at me." "Okay, now because I don't understand them..." "I'm gonna take them as disrespect." "Watch your mouth, and help me with the sale." "Okay, see, now you found yourself a nigger." "You were looking for a nigger?" "Nigger here now." "See?" "Today's forecast:" "Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by." "You want to go?" "I suggest you move back." "Then, nig, fire on." "What are we gonna do?" "What are you gonna do, Mr. Floor Manager?" "Go, get them, tiger." "This shit just got rigged." "What are you gonna do, bitch?" "I'll tell you what." "You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?" "You ever heard of, Rolling 20s, nigger?" "Since I was 16, nigger, I'm saying "frosty. "" "You know what I'm saying, "spoon", nigger." "We fucked dwarfs in the ass." "Nigger, this dwarf here don't got to be tall... to pull the trigger off in somebody face!" "Come on nigger, back up." "What's up?" "Hey..." "Welcome to Smart Tech." "Is this your boy?" "What can I help you with?" "Yeah, nigger, we will both mash you!" "How can we help you, sir?" "Nigger, what?" "No, he don't need no help." "He's already been served." "I served him." "He's taken care of." "He's a little slow, but he got it." "See, what he thought was he can come up in here and make the rules." "But now he see that Jay make the moves at Smart Tech... that I run this, bitch and now he bought the bounce." "This your boy?" "Yeah, that's my boy." "We represent Smart Tech." "You just got fucked up with him." "Both y'all niggers going get clapped up when I get back." "Both of you all niggers." "What did I do?" "It don't fucking matter!" "Yeah, aim high, Willis." "Aim high!" "Please don't do this." "Jay, what's going on?" "Jill broke up with me." "I'm so sorry." "What happened?" "I came home a little tipsy." "And I had one of my condoms on still." "Woke up the next morning and jumped in the shower with her." "I don't know what I was thinking." "Why did you cheat on her?" "Because I'm insecure!" "You can't tell?" "I know, man." "It's gonna be okay." "I'm cold." "It's gonna be all right, man." "Seriously, man, I'm sorry." "I apologize to you." "I know." "If you wanna have a meaningful relationship... you've got to leave the sex out of it, man." "You're right." "It's all right." "You're good." "I'm sorry." "Come here." "I love you, man." "Man, I love you, too." "You're a good guy." "Do you know how I know you guys are gay?" "You're holding each other ever so gently." "Cabrón." "Bravo." "At least he can cook, Mom." "I love..." "Spiderman." "Pull out slowly and go straight ahead." "I'm all right." "Nobody's there." "I want to know everything about you." "I want to tell you." "You do?" "Yeah." "Like, what do you want to do?" "What are your dreams?" "You don't wanna work at Smart Tech for the rest of your life." "I've been working there for a long time." "And I've been thinking lately that maybe I should open my own store." "Really?" "Yeah." "What kind of store?" "Well, like a stereo store." "Oh, my God, that is..." "Why don't you do that?" "I don't have enough money to do that." "What about those collectibles?" "I bet if you sold those, you could make a lot of money." "I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe for $1,000." "Really?" "Do you have any of those?" "Yeah." "You do?" "I have 47 of them." "No, you don't." "Yeah, in their original boxes." "You do?" "I could help you sell them on eBay." "I would not take a commission, I swear to God." "You could do it." "You could totally pull it off." "Yeah, let's do it." "Let's do it." "Aquaman." "Here." "Clothes on." "I'll send you off to... a farm with lots of land." "So, you and other Aquamen can run around... and play in the Aquafields." "Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin." "You don't wanna go, do you?" "Okay, you can stay." "Steve Austin can stay." "Hey, Cal." "David." "Way to sell a big TV." "She likes you, man." "Too bad I retired my penis." "Mooj, we try to be fair with the schedule but it's hard." "Okay, but why every damn schedule comes up, I get most early shift?" "It's bullshit." "Nobody buys stereo at 10:00 in the morning." "No, I understand." "People buy stereo between 6:00 and 8:00." "Mmm-hmm." "Rich men get off work, then buy stereo." "Right." "Not after fucking brunch." "Okay." "Here's what we're gonna do." "I'm going to give you a couple of Jay's shifts." "And then I'll give you a couple of mine and that way... we'll all be equal, okay." "Thank you, Andy." "It's okay." "You're a good man, Andy." "By the way, what date are you on, now?" "I think it's around 17." "It's hard to tell what actually constitutes a date, though." "Three to go." "So that means you're gonna have sex in three days." "Maybe, I might try to space them out a little bit." "I'll pray for your cock." "Okay, thanks." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Have a good cocky." "Trish is on the phone." "Here is a shock." "Girlfriend with a problem." "Hello." "I have done everything but sex!" "I'm a woman, okay?" "Deal with it!" "I'm gonna start taking you back to church." "We are gonna start going to church." "Hello?" "You know what?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "Oh, my God, I cannot believe this." "Thank God you're here." "Jesus Christ." "Marla locked herself in the bathroom." "What happened?" "She wants to go to the family health clinic." "She wants birth control." "But she's too young." "I want to have sex with my boyfriend!" "But I can't, Mom!" "So, you want me to take her?" "No, I don't want you to take her." "Okay, all right." "I want her to keep it in her pants until she gets to college." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" ""Keep it in my pants"?" "Okay, you didn't keep it in your pants, Mom." "I know." "I don't want you to make the same mistakes as me, Marla." "Mistakes?" "Okay, so I was a mistake then." "No, you're not a mistake." "Your sister was the mistake." "Oh, my God!" "Her older sister, I mean, she wasn't planned, you know what I mean?" "Because I was such a..." "Oh, God, you wanna run away, don't you?" "No." "You and your boyfriend have sex all the time!" "Oh, my God!" "Are you kidding?" "We never have sex." "Do we ever have sex?" "No, we don't." "What?" "Yes, you do!" "You're such a liar!" "Why do you lie to me?" "Why?" "I didn't hear anything after "a liar. "" "What did she say after "a liar"?" "She sounds like a tea kettle." "Fuck you!" "Maybe I should take her." "No, I don't think so." "You know, a little information never hurt anybody." "Cool." "Wow!" "Where do you put the penis?" "Oh, shit." "It is... not a Rubik's Cube." "Shit." "God, how much longer are they gonna make us wait?" "I don't know." "They should be out in a second." "Now, you're all here... because you're interested in obtaining birth control." "Any questions?" "Here's a cute story." "I came home the other day... and he is with his girlfriend in my marital bed... doing things that are illegal in Alabama." "Sex acts, right?" "Things that my wife won't do, okay?" "Did you have a question?" "How do I get my wife to do that?" "Does anybody else have a question?" "My daughter is, for lack of a better word... dumb." "How do I stop her menstrual cycle?" "You want her to stop having a menstrual cycle?" "I want to stop it, maybe just for a few years." "Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea." "Does anybody else have a question?" "I have a question." "I think some of the people here might be sexually inexperienced." "Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?" "Is that a serious question?" "No." "It wasn't." "Okay." "Now, there are a lot of activities that you can engage in... without having sex that are both fun and safe." "What sort of activities?" "I think... everybody wants to know about the activities." "Well, instead of having intercourse, you could have outer-course." "Outer-course?" "What's that?" "Yeah, what is that?" "Outer-course is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse." "I prefer vaginal intercourse." "He really does." "Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse." "Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping." "You could dry hump." "There is masturbation." "Masturbation." "Play with yourself." "Mutual masturbation." "Play with a friend." "Deep kissing." "There is erotic massage." "That sounds like it would be nice." "Oral sex play." "Sounds like my Friday night." "Shut up, Seth." "We went to temple." "Okay, are there any virgins here... who are thinking about having sex for the first time?" "Oh." "Wait." "So you're a virgin?" "I'd tap that." "Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?" "Seth, what, you think you're cool with your little Jew fro?" "We don't say, "tap that. " What are you talking about, Seth?" "You know what, I'm a virgin, too." "That's..." "We're virgins, too." "Yeah." "No, you know what, it's a personal choice... and I don't think it's weird at all." "You know what your problem is?" "You're putting the pussy on a pedestal." "That's the second time I've heard that." "What is the "pussy on a pedestal" thing?" "Okay, I can't listen to anymore of this, 'cause it's making me sick." "So, bye." "You can get this information on your website, right?" "Yes." "Thanks." "Nice meeting everybody." "Any other questions?" "Do you have any extra-large condoms?" "Seth, you got a tiny penis." "So, I made that all up to help you out." "No, you didn't." "But thank you for doing that." "How can you tell?" "Well, you know, I go to school with, like, 400 guys... who are all trying to have sex." "And, yeah, so I can tell who's done it." "Of course." "And you really haven't?" "No, I really haven't." "Please don't tell your mom, okay?" "Yeah, I won't." "Thanks." "But when are you gonna tell her?" "Believe me, I'm working on it." "I am working on it." "Do you have any weed?" "Yeah." "You do have some." "Can spare any or is it all spoken for?" "I mean, like what are we talking?" "Are we..." "Just enough to get me baked for like a week." "That's a lot of weed." "Yeah, I am taking vacation next week, so..." "Where are you going?" "I'm not going anywhere." "I'll stay in my apartment." "Just getting baked?" "I want to be baked the whole time." "Watch TV, I'll probably re-watch Gandhi." "Gandhi baked is good." "Yes, isn't it?" "I always feel bad when I watch it baked... 'cause I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot... and poor Gandhi is... fucking starving his ass off." "Starving, I know." "Sounds good." "Yeah." "I'm going to take her to capacity." "Are you okay with that?" "Give it a shot." "Freak!" "Oh, yeah!" "Michael McDonald, man, I haven't heard this in years." "Yeah, I haven't heard it in like 48 minutes." "If I get the set, will you throw in the DVD?" "You don't get the set." "I'll throw in the DVD." "I'll take it." "Really?" "Yeah." "Y'all want to see something beautiful?" "Come here." "You want to see the most beautiful thing in the world?" "Check this out." "This is my baby right here." "That's my baby's dick right there." "Looks like a poltergeist." "That is his foot." "Look at his dick." "That's not even four months." "Extrapolate that." "By the time he's 30, what's gonna happen?" "Yo, Andy!" "Come check this out, dawg." "Is this the movie about babies that are geniuses?" "No, this is my child, dude." "Jill is pregnant." "That's yours?" "Yeah." "That's why she broke up with me in the first place... 'cause she just thought that I wouldn't be a good father... in light of the fact that I'd be cheating on her all the time." "But she got over all that." "It's cool now." "Congratulations, man." "That is great." "We having a party tonight, Andy... and I really want you to be there, man." "We celebrating and I really, really want you to be there." "It looks like the Doppler radar." "Can you believe that?" "This child ain't even four months old." "He ain't four months old yet." "Look at what he's packing." "Everybody dick looks big on 60-inch TV." "My sister's dick looks big on TV, okay?" "Oh, my God, this guy, Eric Gilliland... he has bought, like, 15 of these." "Really?" "Yeah, I think he likes action figures even more than you." "That is impossible." "I think so." "Andy, the way these things are flying off your shelf... you know, I think you could actually make like... maybe like $100,000." "Really?" "Yeah, you could open your store." "Wow." "Honey..." "That's a lot of money." "I know." "That's incredible." "I wouldn't have done it without you." "Thanks." "And that's not the only good news." "What?" "You know what tonight is?" "Survivor is on?" "No." "I know." "Is it The Apprentice?" "No." "What?" "It's our 20th date." "Wow." "Yeah." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "Seriously?" "I think we're at 18." "'Cause there were a couple of dates there... that don't really count as dates." "No." "I'll give you a free pass on those other ones." "Thank you." "Listen." "What?" "Listen." "Mmm-hmm." "I really like you." "I think I'm falling for you." "I don't know." "I kind of see this going somewhere." "I do, too." "I just think we should just go crazy on each other." "Okay." "Okay?" "Oh, thank God!" "Oh!" "Okay, I should..." "I gotta pick those up." "Don't pick them up now." "No, I have to pick those up right now." "Wait, we'll get them later." "Listen, no, I can't, no." "Listen, it's really important because... once the integrity of the box gets compromised..." "This is original packaging and that's why these things... are so valuable." "So you don't screw with that." "You really don't screw with that." "All right." "We can wrap them again later, you know." "Yeah, I know." "But you know what... this is very important that we don't lose the value... and compromise the integrity of it." "Andy, I'm throwing myself at you and... all you can think about is a fucking toy." "They're not fucking toys!" "This is Iron Man, okay?" "I got this when I was in second grade." "Do you know how hard it is for a kid to not open that?" "This is important." "These are my things... and you are trying to make me sell them and I don't want to." "No." "And you're making me." "I'm not making..." "You are encouraging me... to quit my job." "I'm not!" "I'm not trying to..." "You want me to open a store." "You want me to sell everything." "You know what, I'm gonna tell you something." "I don't just change like that." "I can't just change for you." "I don't..." "I'm not trying to change you." "I like you." "I'm just..." "I'm trying to help you grow up, Andy." "Well, thanks a lot." "I mean, my God, you ride a bicycle to work in a stockroom." "You know what, I'm not in the stockroom anymore." "I'm a floor manager." "Okay." "And I ride a bike because I like to." "Einstein rode a bike." "He had a wife who he fucked, by the way." "What do I have to do for you to have sex with me?" "Do you want me to dress up like Thor?" "I'll dress up like Thor." "I'll dress up like Iron Man." "What do they do?" "I'll do it." "What?" "Everything's always about sex." "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" "Why not?" "Tell me." "You tell me the truth." "Is it because I have a kid who has a kid?" "Is that why?" "No, it's cool that you're a grandmother." "I love the fact that you're a grandmother." "Oh, God!" "You are." "You're a hot grandma." "Oh, my God!" "You are so mean!" "Get out!" "Okay, fine." "Good!" "Good, fine." "You're gonna go." "I didn't ask for any of this." "You asked for all of it, Andy." "Okay." "Great." "Okay." "That's the way you want it... that's the way homie's gonna play it." "Yeah." "Truth be told." "Baby, you better enjoy yourself tonight... 'cause once this baby's born, you ain't going out again... till that baby is in college." "Me?" "Yeah." "You the club rat." "I'm not the one that be going out." "I'm not a club rat." "You're gonna get up, you march over there... and I want you to hit on Bernadette now." "Dude, I'm not gonna hit on Bernadette." "Yes, you are, man... 'cause your depression is boring me for one thing... and it's actually making me a little depressed... which is then in turn making me more depressed... that you're actually affecting my mood." "Look, I'm not in any kind of place to talk to a woman, all right?" "I'm just..." "I'm fragile." "I hired her for you." "I hired a 90-pound girl to work in the stockroom at Smart Tech... for you, okay?" "I should have hired a 300-pound guy... who could lift a 60-inch flat screen." "But instead I hired a hot girl... who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk." "You hired her for me?" "Yes." "So will you go talk to her?" "Yeah, I'm meeting somebody." "No." "Did you just flick me in the nuts?" "No." "Flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be." "Quit flicking my balls, man." "Okay, I'll stop flicking your balls." "But I'll start punching your nuts." "Oh!" "Okay." "Well played, sir." "Okay." "Thank you." "No problem, man." "Go get 'em." "Mooj, you done see my son... you know his foot gonna be bigger than this." "If that baby looks Pakistani, don't fucking look at me, okay?" "I wouldn't mind." "You got good genes." "How old are you?" "What, 138?" "When your son is born, is he already in parole?" "I need some poon." "You guys were so right, right from the beginning." "I need genital to genital connection and that's all I need." "You know, the thing about relationships is that they... make one person go..." "And the other person go, "What are you talking about?"" "And then one person goes..." "How much have you had to drink, man?" "How much have I had to drink?" "How many pots have you smoken?" "What are you talking about?" "How many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life?" "Let me ask you that." "You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you?" "Fuck you, man!" "I'm sorry." "No, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you." "What's up, baby, I didn't know you had came already." "Hey, motherfucker!" "Man, you know what, tonight is the night." "You know what, you were totally right and I was wrong." "You were right all along." "You cannot have a relationship... with somebody until... you have sex and that's the long..." "That's the long and short of it." "So, thank you." "That's good." "And now I have to go hunt for some hos." "He going to be all right?" "No, I don't think he is." "Cal's a good guy." "Yeah, he's a great guy." "It's so funny, because, you know... when I first met him and I thought you were cute at the store... he told me you were gay." "I'm not gay." "Cal says that I'm gay because he has a real problem... with his own gayness." "But seriously, I'm going to lay it out for you, right now." "I was a little reticent to come over and talk to you." "You're very pretty and you seem very nice." "The truth is..." "I dated this woman, let me rephrase that, I dated this whore... who stomped all over my heart." "And it's just taking me a little while to kind of... you know, get back in the game." "Oh, my God." "Say no more." "My last boyfriend Sal junior, is a scum bag." "I would totally pay people to have him killed." "That's how much I fucking hate that damn scum bag." "God, you're fucking awesome." "You too." "Hey, you!" "Hey." "Hey." "How you doing?" "Much better, now that I'm talking to you." "Hey, lookie, I can see through your shirt." "Nice." "So, you think we should... take this party to my apartment or what?" "I am RSVPing "yes. "" "Hope you have a big trunk because I'm putting my bike in it." "Yeah, let's go!" "Mom, I left my phone somewhere and I..." "Thank you." "What's the matter?" "Where is Andy?" "We had a big fight, just..." "Oh, Mom." "He just stormed out of here." "What happened?" "Well, I just..." "Wait a minute, I thought you hated him." "I don't hate him." "I mean, he does do magic, but... you know, he's a big dork... and I like seeing you happy." "I do." "That's sweet, that's really sweet." "Mom." "Why don't you just go talk to him, work it out." "'Cause if the thing is that important, you can't just stop." "Let me dance for you." "I would love it." "Look at your bra and your breasts and everything." "That's so great." "Wow!" "You know what?" "You're so hot." "You're so hot." "I'm smoking hot." "You know what?" "I'm just going to have sex with you." "Yes!" "Let's have sex." "It's going to happen." "That's why we are here." "That's totally what's going to happen." "We could do it in the..." "Butt, if you want to." "But, if I want to what?" "Butt." "But what?" "What?" "Do it." "Do it?" "What?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Butt." "But..." "What?" "... what?" "But, it still feels so right." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "Right!" "Okay." "Yeah." "That was a fun day." "You are so kinky." "Yeah, I'm so kinky." "That's why I did this because I thought it looks..." "You like to shave, don't you?" "Let's shave each other." "I don't think you have any hair." "You know where to shave me." "Yeah." "Because I want to shave you." "I want to shave your head." "I wanna give you a buzz cut." "Let's get in the bath." "In the bath?" "Yes." "We're gonna get dirty." "Dirty, dirty." "Sudsy." "It's just about time I got really dirty." "Yeah." "Hey." "Hi, it's me, and I'm on my way to your house." "I want to do whatever you want to do, okay?" "Fifty dates. 100." "I hope not, but whatever." "I'm gonna see you soon, okay?" "Bye." "Wow." "Okay, well, that was fast." "Okay." "Wow!" "Holy shit!" "Wow." "This is just the right thing to happen." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Wow!" "Almost got my penis." "Come to mama." "I'm gonna really take care of you tonight." "You're never gonna forget Beth." "I just want to please you." "What do you like?" "I don't know." "What do you like?" "Can I show you what I like?" "Okay." "It's so hot in here." "I wanna introduce you to my friend." "Your friend is so shiny." "This guy knows exactly what I like." "Where's you friend going?" "This is how I'm gonna warm up for you." "That's always good to warm up." "You don't wanna pull something." "Wow, this is graphic." "I can't do it." "God, what are you doing here?" "We came here because we were concerned about you and Trish... and now I could not give a fuck." "How did you even know where she lives?" "I hit it like eight months back." "What?" "Never gave her back the key, man." "You have no idea... where this is going, all right?" "That girl is a freak." "Oh, it's happening!" "It's happening!" "Andy!" "You think?" "We've been talking, and look... if you love Trish, you can't do this." "Look, you guys, I don't know what I'm doing anymore." "I don't even know who I am." "All I know is... that woman scares the shit out of me... and I just wanna go home, okay?" "Let's go." "We should all get out of here." "Okay." "We should all go." "It wasn't that good for me." "We should totally get out of here." "We should run away from here." "Hey." "Cal." "Go around!" "Come on, just go around me!" "Can't you hear me?" "Hey, there." "Hi, Trish." "Man, I'm really sorry about tonight." "What's this?" "Those are David's." "I think he has a problem." "These are David's?" "He's into that." "David's Boner Jams '03?" "Yeah, it's so sad." "He compiled all the best boner scenes, I guess." "This isn't what it looks like, okay?" "What does this look like?" "A vagina." "And what do you do with this vagina?" "To learn." "It's for medicinal purposes." "Ugh." "Hey, I'm sorry." "God..." "What's this?" "This your date drug?" "Your roofie?" "It's a Mentos." "They're "The Freshmaker. "" "Yeah, right." "What are you, some kind of sex pervert?" "Are you a deviant or something?" "No, I'm not a sexual deviant!" "What is all this?" "I haven't even tried to have sex with you, so..." "What are you trying to do?" "What are you buttering me up for?" "Come on." "You're not gonna try and kill me, are you?" "Look, Trish." "You didn't get a new carpet." "I'm not trying to kill you." "I love you." "I love you." "Oh, God!" "Trish." "Trish." "No!" "No." "Trish, stop." "Come on, Trish!" "I need to talk to you!" "No!" "Damn it." "Oh, my God!" "Andy!" "Oh, my God!" "Call 911." "Oh, my..." "Andy." "Oh, my God!" "I'm gonna need a minute." "I'm in a lot of pain right now." "Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" "Not bad." "There were two sides to that billboard." "And they both hurt equally." "Andy." "Andy." "Are you okay?" "I'm okay." "No, I'm not okay." "I'm a virgin." "A what?" "I'm a virgin." "I always have been." "Andy, is that what all this was about?" "I'm sorry." "You're just a virgin, that's all?" "Yeah." "That's good." "That's a good thing." "I feel stupid." "It's okay." "I thought you were trying to kill me." "No." "Oh, my God." "No, I'm not trying to kill you." "That's why I never tried to have sex with you." "I was scared, okay?" "I just..." "'Cause I didn't know what I was doing." "I just didn't think it would be good." "Of course it'll be good." "We love each other." "Really?" "I love you." "Yeah." "Get the fuck out of the road, virgin!" "Shut up, you fucking jerk!" "No, that's okay." "That's all right." "Sorry." "You know what... for so long I thought that there was something wrong with me... because it had never happened, but..." "I realize now that it was just because I was waiting for you." "This was some wedding." "How could they afford it?" "Dude sells his toys and makes like a half a million dollars." "It's crazy, right?" "That's fucking crazy." "We're gonna get some fucking toys." "We are all so happy for you." "I am delighted to say these words." "Andy... you may kiss the bride." "And for God's sake, consummate the thing." "No!" "Stop it." "I have the key." "I'm not gonna be done buffing the marble... for about a half an hour, but... you can come in and sit down if you want... or wait in the lobby." "It's okay." "It's up to you." "Dude, get the fuck out of here." "Ready?" "Yeah." "Yes." "Yeah." "Whoa." "You're officially not a virgin." "Cool." "Wow." "Wanna do it again?" "Yeah." "Good." "Okay." "Sure." "That was good." "That was okay." "Okay." "You ready?" "Yeah." "Are you ready?" "Yeah, I'm fine, yeah." "So, how was that for you?" "Ripped by:" "SkyFury"