"This programme contains some strong language and adult humour" "SHE CACKLES" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!" "# She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown" "# Our Mrs Brown. #" "I wonder who Mammy does be talking to here in the mornings?" "Is she doing a Shirley Valentine?" "Hello, wall." "Hello, mug..." " DOORBELL RINGS" " Hello, doorbell..." "Doorbell!" "Can I help you?" " Is this the home of Mrs Agnes Brown?" " Yes, it is." "Why?" "Come along, Missus." "Good God, Mammy, what's wrong?" "Come in!" "We found her wandering around town in the cold." "She said she could remember her address but couldn't remember how to get here." "She seemed very confused, so we thought it best to bring her here." "Thank you, Guard." " Come on Mammy, let's get you out of that coat." " I'm fine." "Can you just leave them in the kitchen?" " Maybe you should lie down?" " I'm fine, Dermot." "LAUGHTER" "Wrong house!" " Thanks again, Guard." " No problem." "By the way" " Buster Brady called." "Hello!" "Oh, God, it's cold out there!" "By the way, don't mind me." "I'm fine." "Just it was freezing cold and snowing and I couldn't get a taxi and I'm fucked if I'm carrying all that shopping home on my own!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "PHONE RINGS" "Leave it!" "Step away from the phone!" "Hello?" "Oui." "Bonjour, Gaston!" " SHE GIGGLES" " Tres bien..." "Oh, merci!" ""Ooh, merci!"" "Pardon, mon amour..." "I'll take this upstairs, thank you!" "Eddie bee-dee, bom-bom, bom-bom!" "What's that all about, do you think?" " Hiya, Mammy!" " Hello, Rory!" "I just slipped out for a quick cuppa..." "Get a bit of peace." " Peace from what?" " Dino." "He's doing me head in - about the insurance claim." "What about it?" "There's paperwork to be done and he's just keeps going on and on and on..." "I swear sometimes he's like a whingeing little girl." "Am I?" "Am I a whingeing little girl?" "I see!" "HE WAILS" " APPLAUSE" " Dino..." "Hello, Betty..." "Hello, Mark!" "What's that all that about?" "Rory dropped in for a REALLY quick cuppa." "Oh, Ma - are you happy with the rail?" "Oh, it looks fantastic on the stairs." "Lovely!" "Listen, is this the rest of the stairlift?" "That's the rest of it." "Grandad coming home from hospital." "I don't want him clomping up and down the stairs - you know," " after surgery." " No." "Cup of tea, Betty?" "SHE MAKES POPPING NOISES One, two, one, two." " SHOUTING:" "TEA, BETTY?" " What?" "Oh, yeah, thanks." "Yeah, all seems straightforward." "I'll fit it tomorrow, shouldn't take more than an hour or two." "Good man. (What's wrong with her?" ")" "School thing..." "Bono." " Bono?" "At school?" "What - what is it?" " Nothing... she gets too involved..." "I can hear youse, I'm sitting right here!" "It was him - it was him!" "Right, Betty, let's go." "No, you go on ahead." "I'm meeting Maria here." " We're going into town." " See you later!" " See ya." " See you, Ma." " I'll see you, love." "So, what's this about Bono?" "Mrs Brown, what do you know about bullying at school?" "Bullying?" "Well..." "I was very good at it." " What?" " I'm only joking!" "I was just trying to lighten the mood..." "SHE CACKLES Not fuckin' easy!" " Joking about what?" " Nothing." " Tell us what's going on." "I think Bono's getting bullied at school." " You think?" " He's not saying...but..." "You know, I read that kids who are being bullied do that." "Well, they don't tell their parents they're being bullied because they don't want their parents to interfere in case it gets worse." "You could be right." "Well, he mightn't tell you, but he'll tell me." "Why don't you let me pick him up from school today?" " I'll have a chat with him." " Oh, would you?" " Yes!" " Great, more time to spend in town." " Ah, I feel better now!" "Good." "Oh, and wait till I tell you what Dermot wants us to do..." " The Flintstones - it's going to be great fun!" " What?" "!" " Come on, I'll explain on the way." " Well, what, well, tell me!" "What?" "Oh, and one more thing, Mrs Brown." " My mother - she's on the school board." " Yeah..." "She's...um...what's the word?" "Bitch?" " She's the secretary." " Oh, right." "Anyway, if Bono names a boy - don't get involved with them, OK?" "Of course not." "Just give the name to me and I'll pass it on to her." "Mummy will sort it out!" "Thank you, Maria." ""Mummy will sort it out!"" "I don't need Higglary or anybody else!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "AGNES!" "Agnes, are you here?" "Ah, she must be out." "Agnes, do you know something I've been thinking about...." "I can't wait to hear." "How does a spy know when he's running out of invisible ink?" "He has a little invisible light on his invisible pen... and it flashes...invisibly." " He's French?" " What?" "Cathy's new boyfriend, is he French?" "I think so." "He sounds French and his name is Gaston." "Ahh, the first flush of love." " Ah, the romance." " The excitement!" " The anticipation." " The disappointment." "It doesn't have to be like that." "I said to my Redser, I said "Redser, as soon as we got married," ""I want to have sex at least eight times a month!"" " What did he say?" " Put me down for five and a gobble." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Youse get a seat, I'll get the drinks!" "Barbara, would you tell Mr Brown that if the insurance forms are not filled out, there'll be no payment!" "If the insurance forms are not filled out, there'll be no payment." "Well, you can tell HIM that he should fill them out, so." "You'd better fill them out, so." "Barbara, would you tell Mr Brown that I'd like another drink, please?" "Dino would like another drink." "Well, you tell Mr Doyle that I'd like another drink, too." "RORY HICCUPS" "Rory would like an..." "Ah, here" " I'll get the drink." " Are you Betty?" " Yeah, I am." " Well, I'm Billy Curtain's mother." " Whose mother?" "Billy Curtain..." "He's in your son Bono's class." "Right." "So?" "Don't you EVER threaten my son again!" "What are you talking about?" "Billy told me...when you picked Bono up from school today, you called him a bully, and threatened him..." "Today?" " Well, is he?" " What?" " Is your son a bully?" " How dare you!" "Ladies, this is not the place..." " Did you just touch my breast?" " OK, I'm out!" "You have not heard the last of this, Betty Brown." " I am going to the school board." " Bring it on!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "So, Mrs Brown." "She's alleging that you threatened to stab young Billy." " That is a lie." " What DID you say to him?" "I said, "I have skills..."" ""Don't close your eyes when you sleep tonight..." ""or I'll stick you like a pig."" " WHAT?" "!" " I'm joking." "I told him not to bully Bono or anybody else in school." "I said it's not good and I told him he'd make more friends if he was nicer... or I'd stick him like a pig." "For God's sake!" "What are we going to do now, Father?" "I think we need to get Betty and Mrs Curtain together and then try talk this out..." " I've an idea..." " I've a line before that!" "(She has a line before that...) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I've an idea, let her do her line!" "HE LAUGHS" " OFF-SET:" " I think we'd better get Betty and Mrs Curtain together..." "Is that not dangerous?" "Cos he...for him to get it right once is fucking difficult." "Just blame the priest, that's what he's here for." "Yeah, that's what we always do." "He has his foot up my frock when he's doing it." "That's not my foot!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I only thought it was your foot because there was a smell off it!" " OFF-SET:" " And action!" "I think we need to get Betty and Mrs Curtain together and try talk this out..." "I could speak to Mother, she's on the school board and she knows Mrs Curtain." "MIMICS MARIA: "I could speak to Mother!"" "I've an idea." "Why don't we get her up here for tea and that way her and" "Betty can talk things through?" "That's not a bad idea and it keeps it away from the school and it would be very informal." "And maybe it would break the ice if we start the night by you apologising, Mrs Brown." "Right then, I'll speak to the school and tell them I'm handling it." "I'll ask Mother to speak to Mrs Curtain." "Right, that's that, then." "Mark, are you done there?" "Just about, I'll follow you out to the car." " Ah!" "Very nice." "So when's Grandad home?" " Tomorrow." "Lovely." "Right, God bless, Mrs Brown." "Yeah, God bless you, Father." "Go easy on those skates!" "Right, Ma." "It's fairly simple, the up arrow for up, the down arrow for down." "Thanks son, thank you very much." "I don't think Betty's too pleased with me." "Do you blame her?" "Why didn't you just leave things alone?" " AUDIENCE:" " Aww..." "You've messages there." "I" " I was only trying to help..." " AUDIENCE:" " Aww..." " ANSWERPHONE:" " You have two new messages." " ANSWERPHONE BEEPS - 'Allo?" "'Kitty, ma cherie, it is I, Gaston... your love machine, 'my tutti little frutti..." "I want to squeeze your...'" "Ya dirty bastard!" " ANSWERPHONE BEEPS - 'Hello, Granny?" "Are you there?" "It's me" " Bono." "'I know Mammy and Daddy are mad at you." " 'But..." "Granny...you're my hero.'" " ANSWERPHONE BEEPS" " AUDIENCE:" " Aww..." "SHE SNIGGERS" ""Man with five willies says his underpants fit him like a glove."" "LAUGHTER" "Morning, Mammy." "Buongiorno, Catalina!" "That's Italian." "He's French!" "Well, how do you say in French, "that's nice"?" "I'm not sure, Mammy, but I know how to say" ""Mind your own business" - two words and the second one is "off"." " DOORBELL RINGS" " Ouvrez la porte!" "You mind your own porte!" "It means "open the door" in French." "Well, if he gets his key in the lock, you make sure you have your safety chain on!" "Johnny keeps you safe!" "LAUGHTER AND LIGHT APPLAUSE" "Ah, welcome home, Grandad." "Mammy, it's Grandad!" "Hello, Grandad, welcome home!" "Come on, let's get you into your favourite chair." "Actually, Mrs Brown," "I think straight to bed would be the best thing..." "Oh, come on - just as well we got the stairlift." "You're going to love this, Grandad, come on." "I'll bring you up a cuppa, Grandad." "Tea, Doctor?" " Oh, I wouldn't mind a quick one." " If it's a quick one you want, you're going to have to get a Frenchman's arse out of the way!" " LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " What?" "Don't mind her." "Thanks for bringing him home, Dr Flynn." "Ah, it's no problem, Cathy." "I'm just glad it wasn't anything serious." "He looks well, Doctor." "Ah, he's still in a lot of pain, but this might help." "Bring ID when you're getting that." "Why would I need ID for a prescription?" " It's marijuana!" " The gangee?" "Medical marijuana." "Most of my patients find it very good." "He's Grandad Brown, not Bob Marley!" " He doesn't even smoke!" " He doesn't have to smoke it." "I mean, you can try him with a smoke but if that doesn't work, just stir it into some yoghurt, or bake it into cup cakes..." "Well, I bow to your superior knowledge of narcotics!" " Right, I'm off." " Thank you, Doctor." "Mammy, I'll pick that up in town for Grandad later." "Ah-ha, are you going in to meet Crouton?" "It's Gaston!" "And no." " When are we going to meet him?" " Let me think..." "Eh..." "NEVER!" " I'm going - that cuppa's there for Grandad." " All right." " Ah, hiya, Winnie." " How are you, Cathy?" " I just saw Dr Flynn pulling away..." " You should report that." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I see Grandad's home, then?" "Yes, he looks well, but he's in a lot of pain." "Oh, I know what that's like." "My Jacko had a bad back for years!" "I think the only thing wrong with your Jacko's back was if somebody mentioned work, he couldn't get it off the bucking bed." "Ah, Grandad, have you gone up and come back down again?" " No." " Are you stuck?" " No, it's just moving so feckin' slow!" "There has to be some way of speeding it up..." "Don't touch it!" "All right, all right, all right!" "I'll get Mark to look at it tomorrow." "He can't go up at that speed." "At that rate he'd be only up and it'd be down again." "Just like my Jacko..." "And then he falls asleep." "He was never like that with me!" "LAUGHTER" "I can't get Grandad to take this stuff." "I tried putting into yoghurt." "No, he says he hates yoghurt so I'm going to try and do this - bake it into chocolate brownies." "Add a soupcon?" "What the hell is a soupcon?" "Ah, that's close enough!" "LAUGHTER" "I even tried putting it into his tea." "No, it just sank to the bottom of the mug." "So this is my last resort." "Chocolate brownies." "Ah well, we'll see!" "I even have Buster rolling it into cigarettes but it's a waste of time" " Grandad won't smoke them." "Still, I'm prepared to try anything." "Any luck, Dermot?" "I don't know, Ma." "I'm after tweaking a few switches and stuff," " but I think I'm better getting Mark to have a look at it." " Hmm." " How many of these do you want, Mrs Brown?" " Just one or two, Buster," "I don't think he's going to smoke them anyway." "Right, Buster, let's go." "Bring your club." " See you, Ma." " See you, love." "Yabba dabba doo!" "Yabba dabba DON'T!" "APPLAUSE" "LAUGHTER" "I don't get it." "They don't have any..." "LAUGHING:" "They don't have any effect on me!" "SHE CACKLES" "CACKLING" "Please, Gaston, sit down." "Coffee?" " Oui, but in a CLEAN cup." " DOORBELL RINGS" "SINGSONG:" "Someone's at the door!" "So?" "SLURRED:" "Well, open it and let them in!" "Excusez-moi, Gaston..." "I forgot me club!" "Looks real, doesn't it?" "It's plastic." "Mammy!" "It's Betty... and Father Damien." "SHE COUGHS" "Hello, Father." "Hello, Father Damien, do sit down, do sit down." " Gaston is in the kitchen." " Oh, can I meet him?" "Come on." "Now, his English isn't great." "It'll be better than my French!" "So, Mrs Brown..." "Mrs Curtain is on her way with Mrs Nicholson." "That's nice." "I'm hopeful we can have a calm discussion and resolve this..." "Yes..." "Well, what we need... what we need to resolve, Father... is the bullying." "The bullying needs to be resolved." "Well - well, yes, Mrs Brown - let's try resolve the animosity with the parents first and then we'll go from there..." "Yes..." "Father..." "I'm trying to stay very, very calm..." "My nipple's on fire!" "LAUGHTER" " So, what are you doing in Ireland?" " I am minding my own business." "He means he's looking after his own business..." "Kitty..." "les chiottes...bathroom?" "Just in there on the left." "He doesn't seem very nice." "Ah, he is...it just takes time to get used to him." "AGNES YELPS AND GIBBERS" "This one!" "This one!" "This one!" "SHE GIBBERS" " It's just in there..." " I'm fine..." "Thank you, Father." "I'm just getting Father Damien a cup of tea." "Hello?" "Who the fuck are you?" "Mammy, this is Gaston." "Oh, Crouton!" "Lovely to meet you!" "Qui est cette femme affreuse avec les seins qui fument?" "Oh, stop it!" "He said...erm, what a pleasure to meet such a lovely lady." "Ha-ha-ha!" "That's very nice of you." "I have to say Gaston, it's a pleasure to meet you." "We've heard a lot about you." "She said..." "MIMICS BETTY:" "It's a pleasure to meet you." "Mammy!" "Sorry!" "You're not as handsome as I thought you'd be." "GASTON SCOFFS" "Cathy, he has the personality of a buckin' speed bump!" "Kitty..." "Cafe!" "Coffee?" "Of course, Gaston." "Did he just click his bucking' fingers?" "I'll tell you what, Gaston..." "let's get a coffee in Foley's..." "Come on." "Ooh-la!" "DOORBELL RINGS" "DID he just click his fingers at Cathy Brown?" " It doesn't matter..." " It does matter, he buckin' got away with it!" " Hilary and Mrs Curtain are here." " Ah, not these two!" "I'll make tea." "Don't you mess this up." "Why is it always assumed that I'll mess it up?" "Why is it never her?" "They're always picking on me and I wouldn't mind, I'm a lady." "She's a vicious, vicious c..." "Hello, Higgley..." " Agnes." " Hello." " Hello." "Now, ladies, let's agree to begin this discussion in a congenial and respectful way." "We should all hold hands and sing Kum Ba Yah." "# Kum ba yah, my Lord Kum ba yah... #" " LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " Father!" "Listen." "Mrs Brown, I didn't have to come here." "No, and I appreciate that" " I do." "Please call me Agnes." "Hmm." "And you are?" "Annette." "Annette." "LAUGHTER" "Annette." "Yes." "Annette Curtain?" "HOWLS OF LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "AGNES LAUGHS" "Annette Curtain!" "I can see right through you!" "Annette Curtain!" "SHE LAUGHS" "Tea?" "Now, ladies..." "Betty, Betty!" "Annette Curtain!" "No frills!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Mrs Brown, PLEASE!" "Now, I've had some experience with conflict resolution and I am delighted to be here and put those skills to good use." "Is everybody happy with that?" "I think it should be a secret vote." " Mrs Brown...shhh!" " Thank you, Betty." "Now, one of the difficulties that often causes conflict is that each side thinks the conflict is about a different thing." "Am I right?" "Secret vote, please - balaclavas - no-one knows who you are." "Shhh!" "You buckin' shush me and I'll..." "So..." "Betty, what do you think the cause of this conflict is?" "Her son's a little shit." "I will not stand for that!" "You don't even know my son!" "No, it's you that doesn't know your son's a little bully!" " Oh, ladies, please!" " Stick him like a pig!" "Mrs Brown!" "We'll get nowhere with this attitude." " HILARY EXHALES DEEPLY" " Right." "AGNES EXHALES" "AGNES MAKES FARTING NOISE" "I have an idea - who'd like some chocolate brownies?" "Oh, this came in the post today." "It says "The Owner" " Wash and Blow"." "Oh, so YOU'RE the owner, are you?" "Fine, Bette Davis, you open it, so." "No, no!" " Fine, well, I'm not opening it." " Fine!" ""Please find enclosed..." It's a cheque from the insurance company." "Ah, Dino...you filled out the paperwork." " I love you..." " AUDIENCE:" " Aww..." "Hiya, Sharon." "Hiya." "Is that...it?" " That's Gaston." " Sorry." " Drinks here, servant woman!" " AUDIENCE:" " Oooh..." "Gaston, let's sit down." "I'll come back for the drinks, Sharon." "Sit here." "Winnie, this is Gaston." "Lovely to meet you, pet!" "Yes." "I'm sure." "Here's one for ye..." "Who has two thumbs and likes chocolate eclairs?" " Me!" " SHE LAUGHS" "Kitty...hurry, please!" "I'm sorry, Sharon...he's French." "Cathy, I know lots of French men - lovely men." "HE'S just a dick!" "AUDIENCE CHEERS" " Hiya, Cathy." "Who's that?" " It's Gaston!" " The French fella?" " Yeah." "RORY HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER" "Ooh, so sorry..." "I don't understand it, Barbara..." "I didn't do any paperwork..." "I know, I did." "Now maybe we can go back to doing hair." "Oh, thanks, Barbara..." "I owe you." "Oh, you DO - big time!" "Mammy called him a speed bump!" "Ah, no, that's not right, Cathy." "He's no Brad Pitt...but that's just not nice." " Yer ma should apologise." " You're right, Sharon." "I put up with this kind of stuff from her all the time!" "I'm going home there right now and demanding an apology." "I know, I had onions for me lunch." "Anyways, I said to him," ""How dare you call me a slut?" ""Now get out of my bath and take your mate with you!"" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "THEY GIGGLE" "Sometimes I say things." "And out the other." "You have to go to the back of the bus because if your ears aren't pierced, you just can't sing, you know?" "To Donegal and beyond!" "My mother had a liver transplant because the doctor didn't even have a watch!" "MRS CURTAIN LAUGHS" "What is wrong with you people?" "Have a brownie, Mrs Nicholson." "I told you, no, I don't eat chocolate!" " Where's Mammy?" " I'm upstairs!" "What are you doing up there?" "I have no idea." "Looking for popcorn, I think." "Well, come down here right now!" "OK, I'm coming!" "I'm on my way..." "Aaaaah!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I've got to go and put manners on my son." "Now, now, Annette." "Don't be so hard on him." "Sure, tomorrow they'll be best friends..." "He's a good wee boy." "I love you, Betty!" "I love you, Annette!" " Goodnight, Agnes." " Ah..." "G-g-goodnight..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Goodnight, Annette Curtain!" "SHE SNIGGERS" "Well, I've had enough..." "Take me home, Father Damien." " Just one more brownie." " Now!" " Great night, Mrs Brown!" " See you later, Father..." "Just go!" "Goodnight, Higgley!" "Ooh, no knickers!" "Betty, WHAT is going on?" "I need chocolate and lots of it!" "Have you thought about having a personality transplant?" "GASTON SCOFFS" " Mammy, please..." " Kitty...stop!" "It's Cathy" " C-A-T-H-Y" " Cathy!" " Kitty!" " Cathy!" " Kitty!" " Cathy!" " Cathy!" " Kitty!" "Huh?" "Your family is a disgrace and I will not put up with it any more!" "This woman is lower class than an olive farmer's concubine!" " AUDIENCE:" " Oo-oo-ooh!" " Is that bad?" " Yes..." " Argh!" " CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "How dare you!" "You, you... camel's scrotum!" " Gaston." " Yes, Kitty?" " Argh!" " AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER" "Goodbye." "And arrivederci!" "SHE LAUGHS" "Here, did you hear the joke about the bully?" "No, you didn't - cos there's nothing funny about bullying." "Being bullied isn't nice - it doesn't matter if it's in work, in school or in a relationship or in the social media." "It's ugly and it hurts." "If you even think you're being bullied, tell someone - anyone." "Doesn't matter - tell someone." "Every day's a new day and you're entitled to face that day with a big smile." "He-he!" "I used to look at Redser beside me when I'd wake up and I'd just piss meself laughing!" "SHE LAUGHS I think did it again!" "Make yourself a promise - from today, don't let anybody take away your smile." "Goodnight!" "APPLAUSE" "# Say hello to the Queen of Dublin town" "# As the best mum of all she wears the crown" "# Mother hen watching all her chicks" "# A sassy old lady full of tricks" "# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down" "# She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown" "# Oh, Mrs Brown. #"