"WINSTON:" "TV?" "Cool." "Cool." "WINSTON:" "All right." "[CHUCKLING] Where do you think you're going?" "That charger belongs to all of us." " Nowhere." "JESS:" "Oh, really?" "Because it looks like you're going to your room to charge when it's not your turn." "You know the rules, dum-dum." "Charger stays in a neutral room." " Why do we only have one charger?" " Supposed to bring us closer together." " Hey, look." "Another charger." " Take him." "Get him!" "NICK:" "Get down!" " You guys get him started." "I'll finish him off." "NICK:" "No!" "Just let go." " So many dude butts." "My face, man!" "Watch my face!" "Hey, that's the money maker." "No, I'm gonna stop him." "I'm gonna stop..." "Get..." " No!" "SCHMIDT:" "You're terrible at this." "Oh, you can't outrun the Jewish." " That was stupid." "[CHUCKLING] They are such idiots." "I don't know why I do this." "Charger doesn't even fit my phone." "I have, like, six chargers in my room." " I just do this for fun." " Funny." " Well, here we are, all by ourselves." " What shall we do?" " Definitely not make out." " Definitely not." "Your hand is on my boob." "Yeah, it's weird." "It's less weird because I know it's weird." "I'm calling it out." " It doesn't make it less weird." " Right on." "So you're an upper-boob guy." "Most underrated part of the boob." "What I've always said." " Can I ask you a question?" " Please." " What's going on here?" "[LAUGHING] Yeah." " What are we?" " We?" "Us?" " What are we doing?" "Yeah." " We are roommates who have made out a couple times and are attracted to each other..." " Mm-hmm." "...and really good friends..." " Yeah." "...and sometimes, genuinely, kind of hate each other." "[JESS CHUCKLES]" "And, sometimes, touch each other's boobs." " A little bit better, a little bit worse." " Not helping, yeah." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" "It's Jess" "Would you describe this as a sexual act?" "I would describe that as the Pledge of Allegiance, which can be sexual." "Why?" "Because this is what I got from Nick." "Just out of the blue." "No reason." "Our relationship's so confusing." "This is Nick we're talking about." "He's never gonna tell me how he feels." "It's always gonna be weird." "And I have to stop expecting for it to..." "Change." "What?" " You realize your hand is still on your boob?" " I can't explain it." "It's really calming me down." "I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts." "It's like the Wild West." "No laws." "Whiskey for a nickel." "Whores caked in mud." "I don't know what to do." "You're always there when I need you, Tran." "Thank you." "I'm glad you got no life." "I'm joking." "Would you settle down?" "My fatherjust died." "I don't know." "Life's short, huh?" "It just kind of..." "I gotta start doing things, Tran." "Making moves." "Grown-up moves." "I don't know." "I want things." "I wanna, like, mow a lawn." "You know, my lawn." "In dark socks." "What's my move with Jess?" "What would you do?" "Of course you would, you dirty dog!" "But in reality, Tran what would you do if you were me?" "A date?" "What if that's not what she wants?" "What if she...?" "Oh." "What if she...?" "All right." "You're right." "No second-guessing." "I gotta be confident." "I've gotta be clear." "Women like that." "All right." "I just gotta say:" "Jessica, you are a beautiful woman and my life has not been the same since I met you and it would mean the world to me if you would, um..." "Go on a date with me." "Hey, Nick." "[SIGHS]" "Jess ica." "Dirty J." "Dr. Day, my toilet sister." "If so, food." "You wanna get food later?" "I'm gonna get dressed now." "Okay, bye." " You put the charger in the bathroom?" " Most neutral room." " I moved it to the kitchen." " Kitchen?" " Hey." " Nick, what's more neutral?" "The awesome bathroom or the stupid, stupid kitchen?" "I have a lot of thoughts on this." "But first, Schmidt, I have a favor." " It's about my clothes." " Burn them all." "No." "I have a date tonight." "A lot of women sleep with you." "I can't figure out why." "Maybe it's about clothes and maybe..." "You're asking if I'll help you pick out clothing to seduce a woman?" " I was." "I don't know." "It's only all I've been wanting for the past 10 years, Nick." "Yes!" "That is how you wrap a son of a bitch in wool." "Now, if somebody asks you who you're wearing, what do you say?" " I don't wanna do that." "I don't wanna." " Do it!" "Do it!" " I'm wearing Schmidt." "Yeah." " There you go." "And neckscape by Winston." "Ah, oka..." "Whoa." " Who is that handsome devil?" " Here are things you wanna hide about yourself tonight." " Definitely." "You're cheap, a heavy drinker, broke, have an anger problem." "Your car is horrible so go ahead and take my new Foscapé." " What's a Foscapé?" " Ford Escape." "Still workshopping nicknames." " Who's the girl?" " Who's the girl?" " Who's the girl?" "Yeah." " What's her name?" "It's, uh..." "Yeah." "It's, uh..." "Her name is obviously Yolanda." "Uh, her last name is Winston." " I should go." " Ha, those Latina girls." "Yolanda Winston?" "Schmidt, that's a fake name." "But why would he lie about...?" "Oh, my God." " Jess." " Nick is a male escort." " Probably not a m..." "Yeah." " Jess, man." "Do you realize what it means if Jess and Nick become a couple?" "Nick is our glue." "Without him, it just doesn't work." "It never has." "See what I mean?" "He's awesome." "This is my..." "One of my best friends too." "I'm gonna hit the bathroom." "Nick." "Nick!" "All of our stories start and end with Nick." "What if Nick decides he's gonna leave us?" "You know what we have to do, right?" " Track Jess down and kill her with this knife." " Sabotage the date." "Or we do your thing." "Let's do your thing." " Hey, Jess." " Hey." " What are you doing by the hot dogs?" " You gave me the address." " I assumed we were eating at the stand." " No." "Why you wearing a suit?" "You just apply for a loan or something?" "No, I'm, uh..." " I'm wearing Schmidt." " You're wearing what?" "I'm wearing Schmi..." "Uh..." "Winston shaved my face." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" " Weird." " Well, come on." "Let's get some dinner." "Come on." "I got a reservation." "Come on." "[SIREN WHOOPS]" " What?" " Hi there, sir." "Afraid you apparently didn't see the crosswalk was over there." "Let's not sweat small stuff." "I'm walking across the street." " Have to write you up forjaywalking." " Stay calm." "Tiny fists with your toes." " I'm really sorry." " I'm not upset." "This man is merely doing his job." "You're right." "I was wrong." " There you go, sir." " Thank you, officer." " $340?" " Yeah, I know it's a lot." " They raised it last year, I think." " Ahem." " Have a good night, ma'am." "You too, sir." " All right, why don't you scram?" "Dinner?" " Okay." " Okay." "[ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]" " After you." " Thank you." " Okay." " Very lovely." "What an establishment." "It's my favorite in the city." "Right on time." "Ooh." "Keep it coming." "Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question?" "What's on your mind?" "Well, I'm just asking if this is a date." " What do you mean, is this a date?" " I'm asking if this a date." "It seems like a date." "You've been thinking it's a date this whole time?" " Just asking..." " How embarrassing for you." "For me, it's just hanging out in a suit getting champagne with my friend." "Ahem." "Think we're ready to order." "I have an idea." "I'll have the bartender send over two tropical cocktails." "Jess will be all, "Why, thank you."" "Nick'll be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle."" "Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear then we shoot that bear full of hep C and then, release that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert." "Winston, you're terrible at pranks." "Don't think a bear in a restaurant is enough?" " You know who'd know what to do?" " I do." " Nick." " Nick." "We can't call him, right?" "[CELL PHONE RINGS]" "Ooh." "They have Brussels sprouts with pancetta." "That's a fancy name for bacon." " Hold the Brussels sprouts, am I right?" " Everybody loves bacon, Jess." "New topic." "You know, um if this were a date..." " It wasn't, Je..." " But, I mean, if it were." " It wasn't a d..." "And it's probably good because your ex-boyfriend just walked into the restaurant." " Who?" " Only man we both loved." " Russell." " Hey." " Hi." " Hi, so this is why you dumped me, huh?" " Oh." "Well..." " No." "Just kidding." "Glad to see this is finally happening." " Nothing's happened." " Nothing's happening." "I was never told it was." "If a happening happens and you don't know that it happened did it happen, you know?" "RUSSELL:" "Right on." "Hey, enjoy my lucky table." "I'm Brandy." "Okay." "You know what?" "Could we just forget about this date...?" "Or not date?" "And maybe start over and go get a drink at the bar as friends?" "Drinking to forget?" "That's my sweet spot." " Let's do that." " Okay." "These clothes are so uncomfortable." "Glad to get them off." "You ready to drink with a friend?" " I am, Jess." "Let's do this." " Yes." "[SIRENS WHOOP]" " Why isn't the crosswalk here?" " Just let it out." "Let it out." "This is where people want to cross, sir!" "We don't need our table, we're sitting at the bar." "Good table is all yours." "Not on a date." "I think we're doing too much brainstorming and not enough old-fashioned remembering." "What's the worst thing you've ever experienced on a date?" "I will be your father figure Put your tiny hand in mine" "I will be your preacher teacher Anything you have in mind" "I will be your father figure I have had enough of crime" "I will be the one who loves you Till the end of time" "Outside Dave, my friend Winston here holds in his hands the lyrics to Sir George Michael's "Father Figure."" " I'm familiar." "What's it gonna take for you to lose the shirt and go ruin a date?" " We're willing to pay you handsomely." " Four million U.S. Dollars and a trip to wine country." "[CHUCKLES]" "SCHIMDT [WHISPERING]:" "I don't have $4 million." " All right." "Get in there." " I'll tell you what." "Twenty-five minutes of tvtime and two home-cooked sandwiches." "One home-cooked sandwich." " Deal." " Yeah, deal." "Okay, Outside Dave, make yourself at home here on the couch and I'll get started on those sandwi..." " To the laboratory!" "Diversion!" "Two urinals?" "I'm rich!" "[NICK AND JESS LAUGHING]" " You both have jobs." "Get another charger!" " I love those guys, but they're idiots." " They are idiots." " They are so dumb." "To their credit, they don't go around randomly grabbing each other's boobs." " That we know of." " "Randomly"?" "No way." "You put it out there." " What?" " Yes, you do." " I do not put it out there." " "Nick, will you help me open this jar?"" " Yes." " What?" "I can't open the jar." " "How do you restart the Internet?"" " That's just me suffering through life." "You have to stop because it's ridiculously hot." "Okay?" "It's hard for me to deal with because it's too hot." "All right, fine." "Then you have to stop gargling your beer." " That's a turn on?" " It's hot." "[MAKES GARGLING NOISES]" " That is so weird that's a turn on." " You're, like might as well be in, like, a hose spraying you down." "You are out of your mind." "Hey do you wanna get some dinner?" "Like a..." "Like a date?" " Yeah, let's..." " Okay." " Yes!" "Let's do it!" " Going on a date!" " Yes!" " Yes!" "[SIRENS WHOOP]" "Come on, guys." "Guys, so sorry." "Curveball." "We need the table back." "We are on a date!" " We are on a date!" " Amazing." "Hey, Marc, could you clear the table, but leave the breadsticks?" "Actually, don't clear the table because that looks good." "Could you clear the fish?" "I don't wanna be too forward, but whatever baby wants, baby gets." " Daddy's buying." " Look, keep buying my drinks I'll put out no matter what you say." " Ooh." "I guess the good ones aren't all married or gay." "How many have we had?" "Woo!" "Hey, Russell!" "Nice to see you." "Date's going really well." "What?" "That's great news." " Really nice to see you guys." " Yeah." "You two are really something." ""Really something." What does that mean?" " We're having a great date." " Right?" " Who cares what he thinks?" "I don't agree." " Who cares what he says?" "[SLURPING DRINKS]" " Hey!" "Hey, Russell!" " Hey!" " Where's my car?" " You said we're "really something."" " We wanna know what that means." " This may come as a shock." "But I have no opinion about you two." "Did you valet?" "God, that's classy." "You know what?" "You can't just tell two people that they're "really something" and just walk away." " Fine." "Wanna know what I meant?" " Yes!" "You live together and you had three dates tonight." "What's that?" "I think you guys don't really know what you are to each other." " You're wrong." "Yeah." " You are wrong." " We know what we..." " We do." "We know what we are." "Okay, this will be fun." "Tell you what." "Why don't you write it down?" "Seriously." "Write down what you think this is." "Is this a relationship?" "One night stand?" "Above the waist only?" "No wrong answers." " Two pens on you?" " Well, sure." " That's the move right there." " You better believe it." "OUTSIDE DAVE:" "This is so much better than the gutter." "I'm calling the police, the DA." "I'm calling somebody." " Mmm, smells like ladies in here." " Damn it." "Battery's dead." "Yeah, mine too." "Where's the charger?" "You put the charger back in the bathroom?" " I'm sorry, okay?" " I thought it was the neutralest room!" "OUTSIDE DAVE:" "Three, two, one, zero." "[CLEARS THROAT]" " Let's just go." " Wait." "No, no, no." "Don't..." "Just take a..." "Yeah, I got it too." "Me too." "There it is." "Okay, figured it out." " Good." "RUSSELL:" "Okay." " Great." " Great." "You know what?" "This wasn't such a good idea." "Forget I thought of it." "We're just gonna go." " All right?" "It's best that way." " Yes." "Yeah." " What did you write?" " What did you write?" " Russell." " Russell." " We have to get to the bottom of this." " Move." "[SIRENS WHOOP]" "OFFICER:" "Excuse me, sir." "The crosswalk..." "Jeez." "Sorry." "Oh, my gosh." "OUTSIDE DAVE:" "Hair sauce!" " Hair sauce?" " Mmm, feels like mud." " Oh, my God." "If he even looks at my pomade caddy, I will turn every hobo in this city against him." "I will poison every pie on every windowsill." "He doesn't steal pies from windowsills!" "He is a real-life homeless person." "We need to call the cops." "Oh, I'm sorry." "We can't." "You know why?" " Yeah, your phone is dead." " Because of you!" "[BUZZING NOISES COMING FROM BATHROOM]" " Wanna know why I'd rather hang with Nick?" " Shh." "What's that?" "He's using my four-in-one groomer." " I'm going in there." " No, Schmidt, absolutely not." "Do you hear that?" "Because that is not the fourth use." " There's no sanctioned fifth use!" " Hey!" "Schmidt." "Look at me." "Look at me." "Nick is gonna be home soon." "Then everything will be fine." " Nick knows what to do." " No time." "Going to the roof." "What are...?" "Why are you going...?" "OUTSIDE DAVE:" "Gosh, it's full of bugs." "Nick, I need to know how you feel." " What did you write on that card?" " What did you write on your card?" " Let's say it at the same time..." " Okay." "...on the count of three." "One, two, three..." "Okay." "From now on, no funny business." "We do middle school dance rules." "Three feet on the floor, no body hugs." " Is that what you want?" " Yeah." " You sure?" " Yeah." " Okay." " Great." " You got it." " Wonderful." " Really?" " I..." "They've got a great squish to them." " I couldn't stop thinking about it." " Can't argue with you." "OUTSIDE DAVE:" "Wow, you can see my skin." "Oh, good Lord." "Hot damn!" "You got this." "You got..." "[OUTSIDE DAVE SCREAMS]" "SCHMIDT:" "What are you doing?" "OUTSIDE DAVE:" "Stop moving!" "SCHMIDT:" "Get off of me!" "Hey, Schmidt!" "He's got me!" " What's happening in there?" "Schmidt!" " What are you do...?" "Please!" "No!" "He's a real homeless." "[SCREAMS]" "No!" "Get off!" " Lf you're hurting him, I swear..." "Oh, my God." " It's shorts weather." " Everybody's gonna want to dance with you." " You're going against the grain, you animal!" " Is he shaving your legs?" " Winston, thank goodness!" "Catch me." "I got..." "I was about to catch you and then you just fell." " You just saved my life." " Anything, man." "As long as you're okay." " You're okay?" " Well, I don't know." "You break that whole thing down." "There was..." "A homeless man was just shaving my leg." "Ew." "Hey, man." " Winston and Schmidt." " Winston and Schmidt." " All right." "Yeah." " Okay." "All right, man." "How long have you two been best of friends?" " Longer than we ever knew." " I will say it's hard to have a moment when a homeless dude is dropping a deuce in our urinal." " We never actually ate so..." " Yeah, I know." "I'm getting a snack." " I'm going to bed." "Can I have some?" " Sure." " Jess, I can help you." " I got it." "[SLAMMING JAR AGAINST COUNTER]" "Got it." "I don't even need..." "I don't even..." "I don't even want..." "[JAR OPENS]" " Thank you." " You're welcome." " I'm gonna go to bed now." " Okay." "Don't." "[GARGLES]" "I have to go to sleep." "I'll walk with you." "[WHISPERING] Good night, Miller." "Good night, Day." "Love put me wise to her love in disguise" "She had the body of Venus Lord imagine my surprise" "Ow, ow Dude looks like a lady" "Ow, ow Dude looks like a lady" "Ow, ow Dude looks like a lady" "Ow, ow Dude looks like a lady, ow" "Like the movie, Mrs. Doubtfire." "Dude looks like a lady Ripped By mstoll"