"Oh, my God!" "I can't believe we're really married!" "I know." "I know." "Mmm." "We didn't rush into this, did we?" "No." "No." "No." "If getting married impulsively was a bad idea," "Vegas wouldn't have chapels open at 3:00 in the morning." "Right." "Right." "It's crazy." "It's just crazy." "Six weeks ago, a guy comes running into my dress shop to get away from a bee, and now..." "I'm married to him." "I guess I can tell you now." "What?" "I made up the bee." "(laughing)" "I saw you through the window, and you looked really cute." "So wait." "So... so why were you waving your arms around your head like that?" "That's just the way I run." "So where should I put my stuff?" "Anywhere you want." "This is your place now." "Come on, make yourself at home." "Okay." "Okay!" "Anywhere you want." "Ah, but not there." "Not there." "No, I..." "I just reorganized that closet." "That's all." "But anywhere else you want." "Okay." "Oh..." "I know you have your charming little OCD thing, but is this really how we want to be spending our time right now?" "Give me that thing." "(laughing)" "Rob, what are you doing?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "I..." "I'm coming." "Good morning... married guy." "Good morning, married lady." "Hey, is that my shirt?" "Yes." "I found it in the closet." "Mmm." "God, it looks cute." "That knot's going to put a wrinkle in it, but, uh... it's okay." "Hey, I got a great day planned." "Oh, yeah." "Me, too." "We're going to go to my parents' house to tell them we got married." "But it's so beautiful out." "I thought we'd stay inside and have sex all day." "(laughs)" "I'm their only child." "I got married yesterday." "They're probably going to want to know about it." "Yeah, but why do we have to go there?" "I sent my parents a text." "Look, we've talked about this 100 times, okay?" "Mexican families don't work that way." "You said you were close to your family, too." "I am." "I see them almost every Christmas." "My mom's kind of needy that way." "Get dressed." "You can complain in the car." "Did I mention, uh... staying indoors and having sex all day?" "It's just going to be my mom and my dad." "Okay." "And maybe my aunt and uncle." "All right." "And their kids." "And also some cousins." "And their kids." "And mi abuelita, who you probably won't see because she's mourning my poor grandfather who died in 1992." "And some second cousins." "Now, uh... these people, they're all Mexican?" "Yes." "Just mentally preparing myself." "That's all." "I mean, you said this wasn't going to be a big deal." "And it isn't." "Look, marrying you is the biggest thing I've ever done without telling my parents first." "I don't want them to think I screwed up." "Why would they think that?" "They won't, honey." "Just let me do the talking." "Okay." "And don't tell them how old you are." "Fine." "And don't tell them your height." "Well, they can see how tall I am." "Okay." "Mami!" "Ah, mija!" "Que bonita!" "(speaking Spanish)" "You speak Spanish?" "Papi!" "Hola." "Hi, everybody." "Oh, Fernando, pay the cabdriver." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "No." "This is Rob, the one I told you about." "Oh." "Oh." "Yeah." "Oh, so we finally get to meet the famous Rob." "Ah." "Uh..." "Everybody, look." "Guess who it is." "It's, uh, Rob." "Rob." "(All greeting)" "God, this is a big family." "Now I know what's going on during all those siestas, huh?" "That... that was a joke." "I mean..." "I mean, of course, this is a big family because you're all Catholic." "You don't... you don't use protection." "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I got nervous." "It's a lot of people." "I feel like I'm at, like, a Julio Iglesias concert or something." "I mean, when are you going to tell them we got married?" "That's kind of why we're here." "We've got to ease them into the idea that I'm not a little girl anymore who will just do anything they say." "Margarita, come to the kitchen." "Sí, Mami." "Don't leave me." "(Whispering):" "What am I supposed to do?" "So... you're Rob." "Mr. Gonzales, uh, first, I want to say, uh," "I'm a huge fan of Mexican culture." "Mmm." "Uh, this dip is excellent." "I believe it's called, uh, guacamole." "Very impressive." "You know your stuff." "Also, uh, I'm a big supporter of, uh, immigration rights." "You know, I think those anti-immigration people are lunatics." "You know what they ought to do?" "What's that?" "They ought to build a giant wall across the border and patrol it with cannons." "What?" "I don't need any more competition." "You can't just demand identification..." "Why not?" "Hey, I came here with nothing." "I started working at a car wash." "Now I own eight of them, huh?" "I got 100 people working for me." "And you make sure that they're all legal?" "(laughing):" "Are you kidding?" "Between the 100 of them," "I think they have, like, three social security numbers." "(laughing)" "Mmm." "Can you hold that for me for a second?" "You're smoking in my house?" "We don't do that around here." "Uh-uh." "No." "That's disgusting." "Huh?" "I'll throw that in the garbage." "Ah, thank you, amor." "(smacks lips) Thank you." "So, Rob, you're... you're seeing our Margarita." "Yes." "What... what do you do for a living?" "Uh, I'm a..." "a landscape architect." "Oh." "You're a gardener." "No, I'm a landscape architect." "I..." "I design outdoor areas to kind of interface..." "Oh, no, no, I understand." "You're a gardener." "It's an honest living." "Just wish, sometimes, you people wouldn't use a leaf blower." "It's so noisy." ""You people"?" "Let me get you a drink." "Hey, look, I'm just going to sit here so no one else will bug me, huh?" "Just pretend you're talking to me." "(laughing)" "That's a good one." "Funny." "Shut up." "You shut up." "I don't like you." "I don't like you, either." "I hate kids." "That's why I keep a cell phone next to my balls... so I'll be less likely to ever make one." "Go away." "Hey, you know what?" "I'm going to sit here and do what I want." "What are you going to do about it?" "Ow!" "Stop hurting me!" "Help!" "I didn't..." "I didn't touch him." "That... that kid's a liar." "What's going on with Pepe?" "He started it." "Will you focus?" "I was really trying to sell you in the kitchen." "Why did you tell my mom you're a gardener?" "I didn't say anything about..." "Margarita?" "Your father and I would like to speak to you upstairs." "What... what am I...?" "Can I... am I going?" "What am I doing?" "No, no, no." "You just wait here and, uh, uh, enjoy the guacamole that you so impressively identified." "Hey!" "So you're Maggie's new hombre, eh?" "Nice to meet you, man." "Nice to meet you." "I'm her uncle, Hector." "I'm visiting from Mexico for the weekend." "That's nice." "(Hushed):" "I'm not leaving." "What?" "Ever." "You and me are going to be best friends." "Huh?" "I can feel it." "Well, maybe." "Let's see how things go, though, huh?" "Yeah." "I can't wait until we're spending time together, sharing our deepest secrets, lending each other $7,200." "(Sighs)" "Where's your lady, hmm?" "She's upstairs with her parents." "Man!" "What?" "That's not good." "Why?" "Why?" "Why is that not good?" "Every time I go upstairs with them, they say something bad." ""Hector, why did you steal our flat-screen television?"" ""Hector, why are you wearing my nightgown?"" ""Hector, what did you do to the guacamole?" "Hector!"" "It's tough up there, man." "What did you do to the guacamole?" "Listen, they're up there turning her against you." "If I were you," "I'd get up there before it's too late." "All right, well, thanks for the advice, but I'm just going to wait here for Maggie." "Okay." "Suit yourself, amigo." "I'm your best friend." "I'm not just trying to start a lot of drama to distract from what I'm doing in the garage." "I think I hear crying." "(Whispering):" "Maggie." "Maggie." "Maggie." "Maggie." "Man." "Oh!" "Hot!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(Panting)" "¿Tú quién eres?" "What?" "No." "¿Qué estás haciendo?" "Pero qué..." "No, no, I..." "¿Qué has hecho?" "No, no, no." "Shh." "Quiet." "Shh." "No, no, no." "Ay dios mio de mi vida!" "No, no, no." "Aah!" "Fernando!" "Fernando!" "This is going to be our..." "little secret." "(Muffled screaming) Shh." "Ow!" "No." "Quiet." "Quiet." "No, no." "No, no." "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "Come on." "Come on." "(yelling)" "No, no, no, no." "Shh." "(Screams)" "Hi there." "¿Mamá?" "There's a simple explanation, really." "See, uh..." "I poured hot wax on my genitals." "I..." "I think we're done here." "ROB:" "We're done?" "Oh, so you told them we're married?" "(Gasps)" "ROB:" "Because... if you didn't, this would be a horrible time." "Siempre me echan en cara lo de la turtle." "Estoy harta de la stupid turtle." "Honey, I'll be honest... the only thing I caught in there was "turtle."" "So what happened?" "Look, the details are not important." "Well, we had to get a new dishwasher." "I can fix this!" "You know?" "I'll come up with something." "You know, overcoming massive screw-ups is... is not new territory for me." "I used to have bangs." "So is this our first fight?" "I guess it is." "So what happens now?" "I guess this is the part where we go home and have make-up sex." "I just humped your grandmother an hour ago." "I am not a machine!" "Okay." "I made the tamales my mom likes, we got empanadas for my dad, a pitcher of sangria..." "I think we're all set!" "Okay." "Let's cancel." "Honey, relax." "I got the whole evening planned out and color-coded." "And if at the end of the night your parents still don't like me..." "My whole life is over." "Well, I was going to say "we still have each other""" "but that works, too, you know." "I'm telling you, this is the turtle all over again." "Oh, yeah, there were bits of shell in my food for weeks." "Ah, ah!" "That's for tomorrow night's dinner." "Déjame, vieja." "What did they invite us over there for?" "We gotta talk some sense into her." "You talk some sense into her." "I'll just nod my head supportively, like a tonto bobblehead." "Let's get this over with." "There's a program I want to see on tonight." "They make a bunch of hoarders live in the same house." "(laughing):" "I gotta see it." "Hector!" "Do you think we didn't give her enough attention?" "I mean, why does she want to marry an old, short guy anyway?" "Hey!" "Where's that idiot brother of yours?" "Hector!" "Come on!" "We gotta see Maggie and that guy we don't like." "I love that guy!" "He really gets me." "Hey, hey, hey..." "Ah, ah!" "He's a growing boy." "Here, want a spoon?" "Come on, let's go." "Okay, vámonos." "Oh, we got to get my mother." "Mm." "I put her in the car an hour ago." "Okay..." "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, God." "They're here." "Okay." "Okay." "Hello." "Welcome, everybody." "Uh, please, uh, feel free to wipe your feet on the mat... or not, or not, okay, come on in." "I want to thank you all for coming." "My driver's license." "I found it on the floor." "Next to my mother's bed." "It probably fell out while..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Rob!" "My dearest friend." "(Whispering):" "They hate you." "So much." "Thanks for the tip." "Abuelita, I, uh..." "I want to apologize, uh..." "I know you don't speak English, but I'm sorry for what happened the other night, in your bedroom." "I, uh..." "Okay, I'm going to step over here..." "We, uh, want to welcome everyone to our casa." "Which means "house"..." "We know what casa means." "Of course you do!" "'Cause, uh..." "You're Latino!" "Or Hispanic." "Which one is offensive?" "Both, actually." "We feel like you got the wrong impression of Rob at brunch." "But I'm sure you'll find Rob as funny and lovable and charming as I do." "Back to you, Rob." "Thank you, Maggie." "We have a lovely evening planned." "I hope you all brought your appetites." "We're not hungry." "Okay, well that takes care of dinner." "So, uh, no problem." "We'll just move straight forward on to after-dinner conversation." "Anything goes, you know?" "Really get to know each other, right?" "So..." "Selena." "That was sad, huh?" "So young, really." "Okay." "Well, um, we'll move on to... let's see what we got next." "Wedding photos!" "Wedding photos." "Oh!" "Oh, you... you took pictures?" "They're all right here on my phone." "Oh." "Cell phone." "It's right here." "Sure." "Okay, that's... that's the chapel." "Yeah, yeah." "That's the chapel." "Okay." "You're a little close." "Sorry, it's a little tight here." "It's a little tight." "Okay, okay, very close." "Somebody's breathing in my ear!" "Look, I feel like I'm on the subway here, I can't..." "Oh..." "Nobody panic!" "I'm not panicking." "Well, that, uh, brings us to the sangria toast." "I think it'd be a nice time right now, everybody." "(Mutters) Make a toast!" "Sangria toast!" "Who wants sangria?" "People like toasts." "Please, everybody." "And you need to add a little fruit." "Can't have sangria without fruit, you knoat I'm saying?" "Grandma, please." "Enjoy." "Okay." "Can I make the toast?" "Yes." "Please." "I've been Rob's best friend for... pfft... three days." "And he's a truly wonderful and generous man." "The first time we met, he offered to lend me $7,200." "No, I didn't." "So you're calling my brother a liar?" "No, but..." "he's lying." "I mean, that's..." "I need some booze with-without a phone in it." "Ah, I'm missing Hoarder Mansion." "No, no." "Let me talk to your dad." "Mr. G?" "Oh, dear God." "I thought, you know, maybe we could talk." "You know?" "Mano to mano?" "(sighs deeply)" "Okay, but I'm gonna need tequila." "We can get you out of this." "It's a marriage, okay, not a gym membership." "I don't want out of it." "I know, I know." "Here's our lawyer's number." "He can do it in four days." "We'll get you a Prius." "Mom!" "All right, listen to me." "If you stay with him, you'll never get to wear high heels." "Mm?" "Never wear high heels again." "Mom, I love you." "And I know you want what's best for me." "But you just can't run my life the way you did when I was a little girl!" "You have to let me make my own decisions." "Okay, you can make your own decision next time." "Any Prius you want." "Get blue." "Ay, Ma!" "This may seem nutty, but, uh..." "I get the feeling you guys don't like me." "Really?" "I was afraid we were being too subtle." "Look, I love your daughter more than anything else in this world." "And I know how important you guys are to her." "Which makes it important to me." "You know, as I'm sure that Rosa's parents were important to you." "(laughs)" "Are you kidding?" "Rosa's parents hated me." "Well... what did you do?" "Waited for them to die." "It took 11 years." "Well, I can't wait... three or four years." "(Sighs)" "Look, I could probably forgive you." "It's Rosa that's the problem." "Look, she didn't get to pick out her wedding dress with her daughter." "She didn't get to plan a big reception where she could seat her sister at the crappy table near the bathroom." "You stole that from her." "Look, I'm sorry." "But can you at least talk to her?" "You know, try to get her to change her mind?" "You can't get your wife to change her mind." "(laughs) That's crazy talk." "Come on." "You know, you've been in my shoes." "Yeah." "I mean, what would you have wanted" "Rosa's father to do for you?" "Die faster." "All right, all right." "I'll talk to her." "All right, all right." "Okay." "(Clears throat) Everyone..." "Uh, Fernando has something he... he'd like to say." "Rosa..." "What?" "I can't do this, man." "I can't do it." "You said you were gonna try." "I tried, you saw!" "I tried." "You didn't try, I didn't hear anything." "I..." "I tried... he tried to make me say things." "I didn't..." "Okay, Fernando, get the car." "Margarita, leave your clothes, we'll buy you new ones." "Let's go." "(All clamoring)" "ROB:" "No!" "Wait!" "No, wait!" "Wait!" "No one's going anywhere!" "I'm sorry I'm not younger, or taller." "I'm sorry I took three years of Spanish in high school and retained none of it." "I'm sorry that I didn't loan a complete stranger $7,200." "I'm sorry that you didn't get a chance to have that dream wedding for your daughter." "I'm sorry." "I really am." "But I'll tell you what I'm not sorry for." "I'm not sorry that I fell in love with your daughter." "And that I've never been happier." "Somehow, she fell in love with me, too." "I know we rushed off and got married, but I couldn't take the chance that she'd change her mind." "(Sighs)" "Mira, Mami, I know he's not exactly the guy you would have picked." "But what have you always wanted for me?" "For you to be happy, mija." "That's all we ever wanted." "I'm happy." "Mm." "You have to give me the recipe." "What kind of cell phone do you use?" "I'm proud of you." "Well, don't get too used to it." "I like to keep the bar pretty low." "Hey, let's get to bed, okay?" "We got to be at church with my family at 9:00." "Cousin Laura's baby's being baptized, and there's a party after." "You know, it's a good thing I know you're kidding, you know?" "Because you're..." "You're serious, aren't you?" "I can't do this for the rest of my..." "They just left 30 seconds ago!" "And you have to get out of here." "Come on!" "Can I keep this?" "Yes, just get out of here."