"(upbeat march plays)" "* Good morning, USA!" "*" "* I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day *" "* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *" "* And he's shining a salute to the American race *" "* O boy, it's swell to say *" "* Good... * Good morning, USA *" "Aah!" "This morning's top story: the economy." "People are losing their jobs, their homes and their life savings, and everybody's cutting back." "Even us-- last night we only 68'd." "Really?" "That's terrible." "Oh, well." "Well, I'm doing my part to save this family some money." "Look" " I'm rolling my own tampons." "I just saved 21 cents!" "That's my girl-- soaking up the savings!" "I'll just shove this in my box." "Mom, just put your box on the table." "While we're eating?" "Oh, okay." "(Italian accent):" "A-good a-morning, everybody." "Eh... eh... eh... eh... eh..." "Roger, only one scoop of chocolate mix." "Everyone h to cut back." "(grunts) Why should I have to?" "!" "Stan spends $400 a week in gas for his SUV!" "Stan, I can't believe this!" "I'm shoving recycled couch stuffing up my Jk Johnson while you're burning through cash!" "You need to get rid of that SUV and get a hybrid right away!" "As if!" "I need my SUV!" "You never even haul anything!" "I'd like the option." "L-Look, just don't understand." "All right?" "I love that SUV." "I'm a big man" " I need a big car!" "It's who I am!" "* *" "(tires squealing)" "(loud crash)" "* *" "* *" "Stan!" "We lost all our savings in the market!" "We're living paycheck-to-paycheck!" "Look, I'll find a way to make some extra money." "Well, you'd better-- because if you don't, that SUV is O-U-T!" "G-O-T I-T?" "H-U-H?" "H-U-H?" "!" "Yes!" "just stop... spelling." "Whew, is that rich!" "Can't have too much of that." "All right, just birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket- it's worth 50 points." "Oh, Steve!" "We've been playing Animal Midwife for two years!" "When are you gonna get some new games?" "Maybe we should go to your place and play" "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up" "Before She Has to Get to Her Nursing Job!" "Ouch!" "All I'm saying is, it would be great if we had some money for some new games." "Hey, you know, I used to do odd jobs for my neighbor, Mr. Tuttle." "Haven't seen him in a while." "Maybe he'd pay us to do something!" "Like pouring ketchup on my head?" "Why would he pay you to do that?" "Do what you love, and the money will come!" "Got to come up with enough money to save my SUV." "Think, Stan, think!" "Hey, I have an idea." "You could put my brain back into a human body, and I could get a job and earn some money for the family." "That's a great idea, Klaus." "(whispers):" "Stay out of this!" "Your father hates your opinions!" "I'm just trying to help." "Then tell him you think it's a terrible idea!" "Well, Klaus, we certainly still have the brain-switching technology down at the CIA." "You know what?" "No." "No, no, I-I think we'll leave you where you are." "It's working well for everybody." "It's not working for me!" "Dad..." "Shut up, Hayley!" "Dear Lord, I hope you're not still mad at us humans for casting Whoopi Goldberg to play you in that Muppet TV movie." "I was not part of that decision." "So, Lord, if you could, help me find a way to keep my SUV." ""Well I'll Be a Son of a Bitch."" "What is it, Dad?" "It's a horse!" "And it's racing today!" "It's a sign!" "Aah!" "I got to go bet on this horse!" "I got to save my SUV!" "You know what?" "Don't." "You've done enough." "(to himself):" "Don't let her see that you're suffocating." "(pants) Don't give her the satisfaction." "(panting, wheezing)" "(wheezing, labored breathing)" "(door creaks)" "Mr. Tuttle?" "Man, this place is creepy." "I'm getting scaredy farts." "(passes gas)" "Calm down, Barry." "Nice guy." "Always smiling." "I've hardly seen him since his wife died." "(calling):" "Mr. Tuttle?" "(Barry passes gas)" "(door creaks)" "Mr. Tuttle!" "TUTTLE:" "Company!" "You've... you've put on a little weight!" "It's mostly fat." "WOMAN (over P.A.):" "It is now post time." "(crowd cheering, hoofbeats)" "STAN:" "There he is." "Man, Well I'll Be a Son of a Bitch is a good-looking horse!" "I've got a really good feeling about this." "ANNOUNCER:" "And coming down the stretch, it's..." "Well I'll Be a Son of a Bitch finishing dead last!" "That was only misleading if you're just joining us now!" "If you watched the race, it was perfectly clear!" "Sorry, I only have one emotional level to my voice!" "(frustrated grunt) I am gonna go spit on the jockey!" "Hey, little man." "(hawks)" "Hello." "Roger?" "You're a jockey?" "Mm-hmm, yes, I am a jockey." "Davy Jones from the Monkees started out as a jockey, but I don't see how that's any of your business." "Hey, my racing form!" "This is yours?" "Why the hell'd you circle your horse?" "It's a total loser!" "Oh, I was doing dangerous drugs last night, and I got worried I'd forget which horse I was racing." "I know, I have a problem." "I worry too much." "Damn it, Roger, that horse was my last hope to save my SUV!" "Another very bad race, Clancy." "(quietly):" "I'm Clancy." "Sorry, Mr. McCormack, we'll do better next week." "Unfortunately, there isn't going to be a next week." "Mr. McCormack, no!" "Eh, sorry, Clancy." "The only way I can recoup my losses on this horse is to shoot it in the face and collect the life insurance" "I took out when I married it. (cocks gun)" "I'll buy him!" "You n've $50,000." "And you don't have BeyoncÃ© tickets." "Do you?" "Of course not." "Aw." "Stan, you have to buy this horse." "It's a guaranteed winner." "What?" "!" "That horse is a joke!" "(quietly):" "Look, I've been holding it back with tranquilizers so it loses and the odds go way up." "Then at next week's Langley Derby," "I'll let it run to its full potential, and we'll make a fortune!" "Wow." "That's a really good idea, Roger." "So you'll buy the horse, then?" "I don't know." "I'd have to take out a second mortgage for the money, and if he doesn't win, I'd lose everything." "Are you sure about this?" "I'm positive-- this horse is the only thing that's gonna keep you from ending up in a car like that." "It's so efficient." "And the radio only gets NPR!" "We're nerds!" "Get us!" "(blows landing)" "(shivers)" "All right, I'm in- but do not tell Francine." "It'll be our little secret- like when you passed out last Christmas Eve, and I made out with you." "What?" "Hmm?" "Roger, I told you, everyone has to cut back." "Only one thin layer of cream cheese." "Stan spent your life savings on a horse." "What?" "!" "I, uh..." "ROGER:" "What am I doing?" "I can't eat a bagel right now- it's Passover." "(singing song in Hebrew)" "(sings in Hebrew)" "Ha!" "Record time!" "We're gonna get through this, baby." "I'm gonna take you to Make Out Point and tongue your gas hole." "Stan!" "Ooh!" "Do you realize we could lose this house?" "Do you realize how much danger you put this family in to save this stupid thing?" "!" "Look, this horse is gonna put us back on top." "I'll be able to afford my SUV, and you'll be able to watch me drive around the block" "(like game show announcer):" "from your brand-new lawn chair!" "Yay, I won!" "Was that a horse?" "You'd better be right about this horse, Stan, or we're screwed." "See?" "I told you this thing was fast." "(punching) Hey!" "I didn't get to do that earlier." "Stop telling Francine on me!" "Ow!" "Geez, that really hurts." "You broke me." "I'm broken." "You're gonna have to do the horse chores, 'cause I'm broken." "Fine!" "What do I have to do?" "Well, you have to brush the horse's coat and mane, water and feed it, and then give it a full relief." "A what?" "You know- give it a happy photo finish." "Huh?" "Take the glue out of the factory." "Spank his front butt." "Grant him a bone loan." "Oh!" "Uh, oh, no, you're kidding!" "No, sir, I am not." "I am stabling a champion racehorse." "A full release ensures a rejuvenative rest and promotes a winning attitude." "Stan, if you want to keep your SUV, your house and your wife, you'll do it." "(sighs):" "I don't know how I'm gonna get my nightgown on tonight." "So..." "Hi." "How's it going?" "Here we go. (sighs)" "Just, uh... do me a favor and let me know when you're about to... you know." "(gasping, gagging)" "Hey, Stan, can you tuck me in and..." "Oh, my God, you didn't." "You did!" "You told me to!" "Well, I-I was just messing with you for punching me in the arm!" "But I can't believe you did it!" "Oh-ho!" "Too good, too good!" "Oh!" "Well, good night." "Well, Mr. Tuttle, we're done." "You boys have done a fantastic job!" "You've earned your hundred bucks." "(all cheer)" "I have cash in my wallet." "Great!" "Where is it." "It's in my back pocket-- grab it for me, won't you?" "(all gasp)" "Not it!" "Not it." "I want this." "(neighing)" "What's going on?" "He's been acting this way all morning." "He's spooked." "(neighing continues)" "Why is the animal that our future depends on doing that?" "Oh, he's fine-- he was expecting some sunglasses in the mail that didn't come." "(pained grunt) You'd better know what you're doing, you dumb Irish bastard!" "We've got to get this thing unspooked." "Everything depends on this horse." "Luckily, I know a guy who might be able to help us." "Let's just pray that for once, when we get there, he doesn't turn out to be me." "Aw, crap." "Can I help you?" "I had an appointment with the horse whisperer." "Oh, yes, he'll be right with you." "Thank God I'm just his secretary." "I'm an associate." "All right, Snot, we'll jimmy him up, then you go in for the wallet." "Got it." "(all grunting)" "(wood creaking)" "I'll be like Indiana Jones." "You know, when the stone door was closing, and then at the last second, he grabbed his whip and..." "(muffled yell)" "(all grunting)" "Snot's gonna die!" "(squeaking fart)" "I'm getting scaredy farts, huh?" "Don't you start, 'cause you're gonna get me going." "(muffled scream of pain)" "(whispering) ...imagine... visualize... (whispering):" "Horse whispering- does this stuff really work?" "Stan, stop whispering." "The horse won't know who to listen to." "(whispering)" "(gasps)" "What is it?" "This horse says you molested him." "You sick (bleep)." "Although it's in peak physical shape, its mind is shot." "I'm afraid this horse will never race again." "That's it, we're ruined." "Do not say a word of this to Francine." "Do you understand me?" "Stan, this is my fault, too." "We got into this together, we'll get out of it together." "The horse is ruined." "Stan raped it." "You're probably going to lose the house." "Damn it, Stan, we're gonna lose everything because of you!" "Francine, wait!" "What have I done?" "There's no way I'll come up with the money." "My offer still stands." "Put my brain back into a human body, and I'll get a job doing animal sounds." "Listen to this one." "Yup-yup, yup-yup." "I'm a rabbit." "That's it!" "Thank you, Klaus!" "(kissing)" "What a great idea." "Come on, Roger, we're going to the CIA." "(glass breaking)" "Wait, wait, where are you going?" "We had a deal!" "I sure hope this works." "STAN:" "You heard what the horse whisperer said." "Its mind is shot, but its body is perfect." "But now with my mind in its body," "I'm gonna win that race." "Wait, aren't we forgetting something?" "Oh, yeah." "(whistles)" "(neighing, snorting)" "Look at you." "You're like Bambi." "Frickin' adorable." "Careful." "One hoof at a time." "Good." "You're doing it." "(laughing):" "Look at me." "I'm trotting." "Ooh, fancy." "Hey, check out what else I can do." "(groans)" "Stop telling Francine on me." "(sighs)" "You get one of those." "You get one of those, Horse Stan." "Now we train." "(neighing)" "(snapping)" "Oh, boy." "(bird chirping)" "Man, I'm fast." "I think we can actually win this thing." "Can I pet your horse?" "Oh, a little cowboy." "Sure, go ahead, buckaroo." "Honey, don't do that." "Horses don't like to be poked in the eye." "Honey, he doesn't like that." "If you don't stop doing that, I'm going to come to your house and kick your mom to death while you watch." "Stop that." "Stop." "Hey, Frannie, want to come cheer me on at the track?" "It's gonna be exciting." "Fine." "Might as well be there in person when I lose everything." "Oh, you're a lot of fun." "Glad I invited you." "I got to go poop and puke so I can fit in my jockey pants." "Stupid horse." "Oh, I'm sorry, fella." "It's not your fault." "It's my husband." "What kind of man puts a car before his family?" "Oh, I'll never be able to look at him the same way again." "Aah!" "Boy, it's a good thing I don't have testes, because there is zero room left in these pants." "Go ahead, try to stick your pinky in there." "Can't be done." "Nope?" "Not interested?" "You are in a rough mood." "(engine starts)" "Hey, brother, chewing on hay?" "Yeah?" "That's cool." "So just checking in." "Seeing when you're going to put my brain back in a body." "(neighing, snorting)" "Oh, no." "Dad, I need your help!" "Snot's trapped under Tuttle's fat ass!" "That's not your father." "What do you talking about?" "Instead of switching my brain with a human, he switched his own brain with a horse." "That's perfect." "Come on, Dad Horse." "It's not perfect for me, Steve!" "Let's go, Dad Horse." "Pull!" "(neighing)" "It's working!" "(grunting)" "(gasps)" "There's no wallet." "What's going on here?" "Well, boys, the truth is, I don't have a wallet." "Two Christmases ago, I soaked it in teriyaki sauce and ate it." "(gasping) Why, Mr. Tuttle?" "Why did you put us through this?" "It was just nice having you boys around." "I don't socialize much since the missus died." "Here, here's your money." "Let's get out of here." "Fat people disgust me." "Hang on." "I have an idea." "(snorting)" "Hey, this is great!" "I'm part of the neighborhood again." "Hey, Greg, Terry, how you been?" "It's me, Al Tuttle." "He looks terrible." "Why are we always holding hands?" "How else will people know we're gay?" "Oh, yeah, you're right." "Okay, I bet all your money on you to win." "Come on, it's time." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "I can't concentrate." "It's Francine." "What?" "So she's pissed." "Everybody's pissed." "It's weird times these days." "Oh, she's not just pissed, she's disappointed, and that's worse." "I can't believe I let her down." "I got to make this right." "Stan, Stan, Stan!" "Stan!" "(panicked shouting)" "Ahh!" "Make it quick, just kill me!" "No, Francine, it's me." "(gasps)" "Stan?" "You're a horse." "I'm not just a horse, I'm a horse's ass." "I put our family's security in jeopardy." "I just wanted to keep my SUV so I could roll right over anyone in my way." "But I rolled right over you." "I'm so sorry." "How can I ever make it up to you?" "Well, there is one thing you could do for me." "What?" "Come here." "Win." "(whispers):" "Win." "Well, what are we waiting for?" "(neighing)" "Ready, Roger?" "(listlessly):" "Yeah." "What's wrong, bud?" "Wish I had like a rival jockey or something to make things more exciting." "Hey, it's not too late." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "Hey, you, with the goatee" "Yeah?" "I'm so tired." "I was up all night." "Oh, yeah?" "What were you doing?" "Pumping your wife." "Hey, no, you weren't." "Yes, I was." "Pumping her good." "I'm gonna get you for that." "Bring it on!" "It is on!" "(bell rings) ANNOUNCER:" "And they're off." "Come on, Stan, come on!" "I'm giving it all I got." "Damn it." "If only I was a little bit lighter." "(retching)" "(retching)" "(vomiting)" "Whoo-hoo!" "Son of a bitch!" "Can't we just go back to the CIA?" "In a minute." "There's something important I have to do first." "Mr. Spielberg, I have a talking horse, and I think we both know what that means." "It's time to ride our talking horses together." "Steven... he's right."