"Can everyone please be quiet?" "Sssshhhhh." "Erm, can you listen to Mr Wickers, please?" "Settle down." "Hang on." "Hang on." "If you want their attention, start with a joke." "What do you call a black milkman?" "Right." "OK." "Hello, everyone." "Welcome to the Abbey Grove field trip." "Next stop, the Tring Ink Museum and Petting Zoo." "What do you want?" "To say a few words." "It's not a wedding." "Now, I only have one rule..." "There are no rules." "Except, annoyingly, all of the school rules." "And one new rule." "Please don't do anything Mitchell dares you to do." "Joe." "Joe." "Ah, cringe!" "Now, smoking is only permitted at the front of the coach, so I can suck up all your second-hand stuff while I'm driving." "All right?" "Sit down." "Now, there's no lock on the toilet, so put a sock on the door if you're docking at Quimsby..." "Right." "If you know what I mean." "Um." "Do you maybe want to just put on a video?" "Oh, yeah." "I've got a couple here." "I've got Showgirls and, er, Predator." "Oh, sweet." "Which Predator?" "Alfie!" "Twelve Angry Men." "Is that with Henry Fonda?" "Oh, no." "My ex-wife and the darts team." "Double top." "Maybe the radio?" "You got it." "You're the boss." "So kids, what do you call an Indian with thrush?" "Now, er, if you look to your left you'll see the Cock and Goose." "The cubicles are very well connected." "And if you look to your right, you'll see a lay-by that is in my opinion a tad over lit." "Oi, what you..." "Why've you got a bag of miniatures?" "This shit Irish airline, right, fired my brother cos he broke company policy." "How?" "He helped a customer." "Anyways, when he left, he jacked a load of these and a couple of life jackets." "Give me that." "Look, just cos we're not in school doesn't mean you can get drunk." "THESE are confiscated." "Why are you wearing those heinous boots?" "They're just hiking boots." "What's wrong with them?" "It's just those and that hair makes you look like a guard in a woman's prison." "These are my outdoors clothes." "We're going to the countryside!" "Bear Grylls says you have to be prepared for anything which is why I am also... rockin' one of these bad boys." "Multi-purpose utility harness." "Is that a spork?" "!" "Yep." "For those tricky little jobs that a fork just can't handle." "Is it supposed to be that tight?" "!" "Yup." "Can't feel a thing." "Chap slap!" "Oh!" "You dick!" "Sir, I need your help." "I want a DMC about relationships." "This boy, Finlay, he..." "Sir, why can't we go paint balling?" "Because it doesn't benefit an academic subject." "Art!" "Art!" "We're not going paint balling." "Why is it an ink museum AND a petting zoo?" "I don't know, Alfie." "Maybe they've got a squid." "This trip is going to be so dull." "Look, I organised this." "You told me you liked animals as well." "Yeah, I do." "Tigers and shit." "Anyway, it's a lot better than some other trips." "Yeah, Fraser's taking the English scholars to see some boring poetry thing." "Hello." "Where's the rap battle?" "Tight to me, kids." "Ahhhh." "Nature red in tooth and claw." "Hey!" "Maybe we could go camping on the way BACK from the zoo." "I really want to teach my kids how to gut a reindeer with a piece of bark." "I can't." "I've got to be back by seven." "Why?" "I'm going on a date with this guy." "Date?" "!" "We haven't discussed this." "Why are you going on a date with a guy?" "Who is this "guy"?" "I don't know." "It's a blind date." "A blind date?" "Oh." "Very risky." "Where did he find you?" "The internet?" "He's not a weirdo." "He's going to take me..." "No, no." "Don't tell me." "I'll watch the reconstruction on Crimewatch." "Oh, Alfie!" "He's a normal guy." "Yeah, sure." "Normal guy." "Bit of a loner." "Obsessed with sex." "Oh, let me guess." "Probably still lives with his parents." "Don't turn this round on me." "Anyway, how old's Fred West?" "My date?" "23." "23?" "!" "But I'm 23!" "Yeah, but he's an old 23." "It's like this many sleeps till I'm 24." "Yeah, but he's a teacher." "I'm a teacher!" "He teaches mentally challenged children." "Have you seen my class?" "!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Stop!" "Ow!" "Look, if you're going to be like this all journey," "I'm going to sit next to Mollinson." "Really?" "What, and let her show you her holiday photos?" "Yeah, fine by me." "There's my husband with his snorkel." "And there he is laying out the tarpaulin." "Have you ever been to Germany?" "I just don't understand why Fraser didn't let me organise my own trip." "Er, maybe because of your science trip?" "Right." "That was Mitchell's fault." "He said it was like Spiderman." "Look, all I'm saying is that I think I should have taken everyone on like a proper Bear Grylls expedition." "Teach them how to survive in the wild." "Why would they need that?" "What if The Hunger Games came true?" "We'll see who's laughing when Jing's killing one of your kids with a bow and arrow." "Welcome to Shrub Wood Farm." "Now, unfortunately, we have worms." "I spent all morning fishing this out of a weasel." "It's an epidemic." "Everything's got them." "So remember, it's a look but don't touch policy." "Er, but a private dance can be arranged later." "I'm joking." "We had to stop doing that." "So, cubs and, er, girls, have you got any questions about animals?" "Sir, I really need to talk to you." "Not now, Chantelle." "The boring man is talking." "Any questions at all?" "Why do cows have so many tits?" "Well... the cows have udders." "How come you can call dogs bitches, but not bitches bitches?" "Rem Dogg, behave." "Would you rather be a boy with a dog's head or a dog with a boy's head?" "Well, obviously a boy with..." "Oi, worms!" "Is..." "Is..." "Is he talking to me?" "My mate Rasheed, yeah, said he found a beak in one of his McNuggets." "See, I thought the chicken lays the nugget." "Does it not lay the nugget then?" "When the female chicken is impregnated by the male..." "Old MacDonald, does the male chicken lie to the female chicken just to get into her pants and then break her heart with a text?" "Guys, please." "Can we show a little bit of respect to the farmer man?" "Ask some serious questions." "Do all meerkats come from Russia?" "This is so depressing." "I know." "It's like they're on a spectrum that's actually beyond the spectrum." "No, the animals!" "I can't bear to see them distressed." "Look!" "Malnourished, all caged up." "I just hope they're not upsetting the kids." "Oi, sir." "Look at its dick." "It's got shit on it!" "I think they're coping." "It's got shit on its dick!" "Now, kids, prepare to be amazed by Swinonus rhinonium or the rhino... pig!" "Wow." "Your wife got a name?" "That is disgusting." "I've a good mind to rip off the bars to that cage and set that animal free." "I've made a terrible mistake bringing us all here." "Leaving you..." "Where's my bitches at?" "Show me them titties." "What d'ya say?" "Yeah!" "Who here thought ink was boring?" "OK." "Who here takes a newspaper?" "Who's read a book?" "So, what's your date doing with you tonight... apart from turning you into a dress?" "Why are you so obsessed with it?" "I'm not obsessed." "Can anyone tell me where ink comes from?" "A pen." "No." "Well, it does come from a pen, don't it?" "Yes, but... originally?" "Ryman's." "Oh, my God." "He's talking to them like they're seven." "This is so inappropriate." "Who wishes to play God?" "Anyone?" "What would you do, pig, if you loved someone that didn't love you?" "Alfie, are you talking to the rhino pig?" "No!" "I'm just... drinking some Malibu." "I'm depressed, all right?" "Get off my back." "Why are you depressed?" "Miss Gulliver's going on a date with a guy." "Why can't she see how much I like her?" "Maybe you should let her know." "What, by, like, making a grand gesture?" "Or just tell her." "Yeah, you're right." "I need to let her know how much I care by doing something massive, really bold." "Or just tell her." "I've got it." "Just tell her." "The pig!" "Rosie wants this creature to be happy, just like I want her to be happy." "Alfie, how much Malibu have you drunk?" "It needs to run free." "Alfie, don't touch it!" "It's got worms." "Alfie!" "Alfie!" "Run, piggy!" "Go, piggy." "Go." "Run!" "Miss Gulliver's going to be pretty impressed." "Yeah!" "She's not, is she?" "Nah." "Yo!" "Um, so, I was thinking maybe we should think about leaving." "What have you done?" "Nothing." "I just don't want you to be late for your date." "What are you wearing tonight?" "Why?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just I was talking to Inky earlier and he says that in his gift shop he sells real fur coats." "I was thinking maybe you could buy one, team it up with a little otter scarf." "Right." "Everyone back on the bus!" "Quickly." "Wake him up." "Take him out." "Off you go." "On the bus." "Come on." "We've got two routes back." "Motorway at rush hour." "Or?" "Scenic route." "Plenty of lay-bys to dip into round Tring." "Why don't you just use your sat nav to find the quickest route back?" "Never used one, never will." "Why?" "Won't be told what to do by a woman." "We're lost." "Bieber, take the wheel." "I'm not sure I can trust this fart." "I can't!" "I've been drinking." "So have I." "Watch out!" "Jesus!" "Was it..." "Was that a person?" "Paul's fault!" "I need to dust the prints off this wheel." "I'm going to check." "Is everyone OK?" "If anybody asks, the pig hit US." "How do you think it escaped?" "Oh, God." "Do you think someone let it out?" "Um..." "Maybe it let itself out." "Does anyone know anything about this?" "I won't be annoyed if you're honest with me." "They always say that." "Did you know about this?" "What?" "Fine." "I freed the pig, miss, because it looked sad." "Well, that's stupid, but I admire the gesture." "You stole my gesture!" "Where's my bra, eh?" "You've got it, haven't you?" "You took it off in the pool, didn't you?" "Oh, God." "He's concussed." "Sit him down." "Give him some oxygen." "Oh, God." "You're going to have to call the AA." "I haven't got any reception." "Neither have I." "Well, we can't go back to that farm." "I know!" "I could trek cross country, find the nearest town, get help." "Oh, OK." "But..." "Well, come straight back, yeah?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Right." "I'm going to need to gather up a team." "Not you." "Lilt goes flat so quickly." "Oh, I love being outside, me." "Reminds me of being in the scouts." "Our scoutmaster, Mr Rogers, he was my hero." "Aw, why?" "What was he like?" "So brave." "This one time, right, he fought off a bear." "A bear?" "In England?" "!" "No." "In Wales." "We'd all gone skinny dipping and we came back to the campsite and Mr Rogers had fought off this bear that had broken into our tents and eaten all of our clothes." "Did you ever see this bear?" "No, but it must have been a very picky bear cos it didn't touch anything else." "Not even the food." "Sir, wasn't there a sign on the road that said Tring was that way?" "Signs." "We don't need signs." "We're in the wild." "This is the only sign I need... wind sign." "Yup, that's north." "We get through these woods, we'll hit Tring." "Lunch?" "Bear says you never know when you're going to be able to eat next." "Did you kill this?" "!" "Yep." "Used my trowel." "It looks like it's been dead for weeks." "Anyone want a forest berry?" "Don't!" "No, that's a yew berry." "It's the most poisonous berry in Britain." "Uh-huh!" "They're cranberries." "I know that cos they're red." "Yeah, well, I'm a biology teacher, so just trust me." "Anyone?" "Jing?" "Come on." "You guys eat anything." "Like those poo-ey hundred-year-old eggs." "Urgh." "Yeah, I'm sure they are delicious, but so are these berries." "Alfie, we've actually..." "Anyone?" "No?" "Fine." "More for me." "Mmmmm." "Yum, yum, yum." "Fizzy berry." "Oh, screw this." "I'm eating my rolls." "What?" "!" "Packed lunch, bellend." "You..." "I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen." "Have some of mine." "No." "Fine." "No." "You eat your sandwiches with all their E numbers." "I am feasting off Mother Nature." "Ooh!" "A mushroom!" "Right." "OK." "How do you gut this?" "Come on, guys." "We need to keep moving." "Alfie?" "We're being followed." "Are you OK?" "His eyes look funny." "He looks like my brother after he came back from Ibiza!" "Alfie, do you know where we are?" "Will somebody please tell that frog" "I do not want to smoke his pipe." "People!" "A bush." "Everyone wave." "Get their attention." "I know." "I'll chuck a rock at them." "No, don't!" "Don't." "We need their help." "Hello!" "Come on, guys." "Help me." "Hello!" "Help us!" "Help us." "Over here!" "Where's Alfie?" "Shitty harness." "Nobody drink from the stream." "They were really bad berries." "Look at that!" "Look at that!" "Bloody disgusting." "Disgusting." "Bloody kids!" "Oi!" "Oi!" "Sir shitted in the river." "That was so sick." "Why do YOU have to ruin everything?" "Rosie..." "No." "No." "I organised this day, but you decide it's rubbish, so you make it rubbish." "You hated the farm too." "I told you not to eat those berries and what did you do?" "OK." "I admit that." "You're stupid." "You're immature." "You only ever think about yourself." "I think about you all the time." "That's why I let the piggy free." "You let the pig free?" "You said you admired the gesture." "Yeah, I admire it being made by a child." "But it's free-ee-ee." "I can't believe you think I'd ever be interested in you." "You're such a pathetic, selfish, little boy." "I think I might need a dock leaf." "That bog roll was a little nettle-y." "Go away." "I want to be on my own for a bit." "What's that, sir?" "I've dug myself a bucket." "I'm sorry for being agro." "It's cos my man..." "Finlay." "He left her." "He's my first long-term relationship." "And by long-term...?" "He took me to Strada, like, twice." "OK." "He said he loved me just so he could sleep with me." "What happened?" "He slept with me." "No, I meant after that." "Oh." "He told me I wasn't mature enough." "But I am mature." "I like Adele and I've not been in Claire's Accessories for, like, two years." "Sir, why don't you come sit with us?" "I don't think Miss Gulliver wants to talk to me much." "But we do." "OK." "I guess." "Hey, guys." "Sorry about the... stream and stuff." "Look." "Don't worry." "I'll make a fire." "I got all the badges in scouts." "Fire-making, knot-tying, secret-keeping." "There isn't a badge for keeping secrets." "Er, shows how much you know." "Mr Rogers said it was the most important badge a scout could get." "Look, if we're going to get this fire lit, we're going to need to work as a team." "Chantelle, Joe." "You go looking for kindling." "Mitchell, Stephen." "We're going to need flints." "Ideally quartz." "Anything that's going to be able to create a spark..." "You ALL smoke?" "Jesus." "I'm a terrible role model." "They call me teach Because I do." "I'll bring you times tables Three times two." "You'll think you're bad ass But I tell you UCAS would disagree." "No university going to give you A degree so don't try for LSE" "Cos you'll need A dual science award at GCSE." "And the only way You wouldn't need that" "Is if your school had been on International Baccalaureate." "So go figure, pull the trigger" "Shit's getting bigger, my..." "Man." "Brap." "Ah, finally." "Look, cars!" "Right." "I'll go ask them for help." "Hello!" "Um..." "Could you give me a hand?" "Oh, God." "Jesus." "He's a wriggler, Geoff." "Get off." "IT'S All RIGHT." "They're friendly." "Could you just let go?" "Sorry." "I think it might alarm the children." "You brought your kids?" "!" "Oh, leave him, Geoff." "He's probably Cornish." "I'm terribly sorry." "I think there might have been a little bit of a misunderstanding here." "I'm not actually a dogger per se." "We've got ourselves a puppy, Pam." "We don't bite." "Unless you ask." "Look I'm a teacher at Abbey Grove School." "Oh!" "Do you know Olive Mollinson?" "Yes." "And of course you do too." "Um, we've had a bit of a traffic accident." "Olive's currently stuck on a coach with a load of children and we'd really appreciate your help getting back." "Oh, sorry, love." "Of course we'll help." "Would you give us ten minutes?" "Oh, yes." "Terribly sorry." "Of course." "You can stay if you want." "You can stay." "I..." "I think I'll pass." "Suit yourself." "How many of you are there?" "!" "Four." "Four." "Five." "Didn't see you down there, Robin." "Sorry about that, mate." "Everything OK?" "Yup." "What the hell are they doing, sir?" "Are they...?" "They're probably..." "Bird watching!" "Yeah." "Yup." "They're bird watching." "They're going to drive us home in ten minutes." "They're just, er... finishing off a Robin." "At night?" "Yeah." "Where...?" "!" "So, we made it." "Alfie, I..." "I just want to..." "No." "Before you say anything, you're right, I am an idiot." "No, I over-reacted." "Look, I do a lot of... stupid things, but I don't do it because I'm trying to be selfish." "I do it because I care about you... even if you don't like me." "I do like you." "You mean a lot to me and I'm sorry..." "Sorry for me." "Oh, come here." "Ohhh." "You've got such a good heart." "Have you just been sick on my back?" "Berries." "Do you want me to scoop it up with my trowel?" "Yeah." "Look, sir." "A long rubber branch." "Is this for the birds to perch on?" "Do branches have veins?" "!" "Joe, put that down." "So, we got back in time after all." "Yeah." "I have to admit, you did sort of save the day in the end." "Don't worry it was nothing." "You, er, looking for a lift home?" "There's two routes." "The B roads round Wendover or we can get the M25..." "Sshhh." "You had me at Wendover." "Not yet, luv." "Not yet." "Your carriage awaits." "Where's he taking you?" "Strada." "Hi, you must be Finlay." "Rosie, it's so nice to meet..." "Finlay?" "Finlay?" "!" "You bastard!" "He's not worth it, babes." "Oh, God." "Where's Fraser?" "Hi." "Um, have you seen seven children?" "All English scholars about yea high." "Smell of Wotsits."