" (TRAIN WHEELS RUMBLING) - (WHISTLE BLOWING)" "MAN:" "I beg your pardon." "Was that your leg?" "I had no idea we were going into a tunnel." "I thought the compartment was empty." "I'm so sorry." "I hope I didn't hurt you." "Awful man in the next compartment smoking a vile cigar." "I had to come in here." "You don't smoke, do you?" " No, I don't." " Oh, thank heavens for that." "After last night, my head couldn't stand it." "You understand..." "May I see your tickets, please?" "Thank you, miss." "I'm afraid you're in the wrong compartment, sir." " It's a first-class compartment, isn't it?" " Yes, sir." " Well, then I'm all right." " This is a third-class ticket, sir." "Hmm?" "What sort of line is this, selling third-class tickets at first-class prices?" "TICKET TAKER:" "I am very sorry, sir." "That will be five and fourpence extra, sir." " You haven't change for a fiver, have you?" " Yes, sir." "Don't bother, because I haven't got one." "That's the best I can do." "There." "Do you suppose the line would settle for five and tuppence ha'penny?" "No, I don't suppose they would." "I hate to presume on our short acquaintance, but have you any change?" "Well, I'm afraid that I..." "Oh, there you are." "That'll do." "That stamp." "Thank you very much." "Here we are, five and tuppence ha'penny and three ha'pence." "Five and fourpence." "It's legal tender, old boy." "Legal tender." "Write to your mother." "That man." " (BUGLE BLOWING) - (DOGS BARKING)" "Mr. Aysgarth, may I?" "Would you mind stepping forward a little bit, Mrs. Fitzpatrick?" "Thank you very much." "Now, Mr. Aysgarth, please." "I wonder if I could have just a little bit more of your smile?" "Oh, not at this hour of the morning." " There he is." "Good morning, Johnnie." " How are you?" " We've been looking for you everywhere." " Simply everywhere." "Excuse me." "If it's possible at all, would you mind?" "Oh, of course." "I'm so sorry." "See you later, Johnnie." "Goodbye." " Come, Alice." "Come, Jessie." " Thank you very much." "Aren't they bright this morning?" "Now." "That's very good." "That's very good." "Now could I have a little bit of a smile?" "You remember." "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "I can hardly believe it." "It can't be the same girl." "What's her name?" "Do you know her?" "Yes, but lay off, Johnnie." "You've enough on your hands for one day." "Besides, she's not up your alley." "To tell you the truth," "I'm a little bored with people in my alley." " Introduce me to her, will you?" " Certainly not." "She's a very carefully brought up young lady." "If you won't do it, I'll have to do it myself." "Come on, they're going." "(DOGS BARKING)" "(BELLS RINGING)" " Lina, may we come in?" " Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't see you." " How are you, Lina?" " Oh, splendid." "May I introduce Mr. Aysgarth?" " How do you do?" " How do you do?" "We were just passing by and we saw you in the window." " And Johnnie insisted on meeting you." " Why?" "Oh, I'm told the sight of a really eligible male is a rare treat" " in this part of the country." " (ALL LAUGH)" " Isn't Johnnie terrible?" " He's simply too fantastic for words." "Aren't you, Johnnie?" " Hadn't you better hurry?" " Hurry for what?" "You don't want to be late for church, do you?" " Did you all come to take me to church?" " No, but that is..." " If you want to come." " Naturally, we'd love to have you." "That's very kind of you." "I think I will come." "Good." "And put on that saucy little hat you wore on the train the other day, huh?" "I will." "Excuse me." "I'll be down in a moment." "Well." "We'd better sit down, girls." "(CHUCKLES)" " Where are you rushing to?" " To church, Mother." " But I thought..." " I've changed my mind." " I see." "Shall I go with you?" " No, thanks." "I'm going with the Barhams." "The Barhams?" "I thought you didn't like them." "I loathe them." "Really, it's most extraordinary." "(BELL TOLLING)" "(WHISTLING)" "You're not really going to church, are you?" "Certainly, I am." "No you're not, you're coming for a walk with me." "Don't be ridiculous." "Tell you what I'll do, I'll toss you for it." "Heads you do, tails you don't." "Mother." "(WIND HOWLING)" "Now what did you think I was trying to do, kill you?" "Nothing less than murder could justify such violent self-defense." " Look at you." " (SIGHING) Let me go." "I'm just beginning to understand." "You thought I was going to kiss you, didn't you?" " Weren't you?" " Of course not." "I was merely reaching around you, trying to fix your hair." " What's wrong with my hair?" " Well, I'm glad you asked me that." "It would have been extremely discourteous for me to bring the subject up." " Are you serious?" " Of course I'm serious." "I may seem provincial, but frankly, I can't understand men like you." "You always give me the feeling that you're laughing at me." "No, I give you my word." "But your hair's all wrong." "It has such wonderful possibilities that I got excited." "For the moment, I became a passionate hairdresser." " What's wrong with it?" " Let me show you." "Let me see..." " Don't do that." " Why not?" "Because your ucipital mapilary is quite beautiful." "What's an ucipital mapilary?" " That." " You don't need to touch it." "Let's see." "Mmm, that's good." "I must be quite a novelty by contrast with the women that you're photographed with." "What do you think of me by contrast to your horse?" "If I ever got the bit between your teeth," "I'd have no trouble in handling you at all." "Suppose just as you thought you had me under control," "I turned around, neighed, and kissed you?" "I think you've done enough fooling with my hair." "You don't look very good like that." "You look more like a monkey with a bit of mirror." "What does your family call you?" "Monkeyface?" "I still think my way was best." "(PURSE SNAPS)" "I must go now or I'll be late to luncheon." "Anyway, if my father saw me come in both late and beautiful, he might have a stroke." " Please don't bother to come any further." " Oh, I'll be back for you at 3:00." "No, no, really, I can't come out this afternoon." "Yes, you can." "No, really, I have to make calls with my mother." " Liar." " Really." "Don't forget, 3:00." "MR. McLAIDLAW:" "Lina will never marry." "She's not the marrying sort." "She has no need to worry." "There's enough to care for her for the rest of her life." "I suppose you're right, dear." "I'm afraid she's rather spinsterish." "What's wrong with that?" "The old maid's a respectable institution." "All women are not alike." "Lina has intellect and a fine solid character." "Come on, I'm hungry." "Sorry I'm late." "Could I have some well-done, please, Burton?" "Yes, miss." "What kept you so long at church, dear?" "I didn't go to church." "I went for a walk." "Thank you, Burton." " With a man." " A man?" "Yes." "His name's John Aysgarth." " John Aysgarth?" " Is that Tom Aysgarth's boy?" "How'd you meet him?" "Pity he's turned out so wild." "Rough luck on Tom." "What's this, horseradish?" "Didn't know horseradish was in season now." " It's not out of a bottle, is it?" " MRS. McLAIDLAW:" "Of course not, dear." "MR. McLAIDLAW:" "Oh, that's real stuff." "I can tell the difference at once." "I can't stand things out of bottles." "They never taste the same." "MRS. McLAIDLAW:" "Never, dear." "Why did you say that John Aysgarth was wild, Father?" "He was turned out of some club for cheating at cards, wasn't he?" "I don't know." "I didn't ask him." "Or ought to have been." "Something unpleasant anyway." " What's he doing down here?" " Staying at Penshaze." "Shouldn't have thought that Lord Middleham would have had him there if he had been turned out of a club for cheating." "Maybe it wasn't cards." "May have been a woman." "He was corespondent or something, I believe." "Or ought to have been corespondent." "Good heavens, you can't expect me to remember every detail about everybody, can you?" "Anyway, I'm going to see him again." "He's calling for me this afternoon at 3:00." "You're wanted on the telephone, miss." "LINA:" "Hello?" "Hello, Johnnie." "You can't?" "Of course, I understand." "Thank you for calling." "I'd love to, next time you come down again." "Hello?" "Is Mr. John Aysgarth there, please?" "Oh, he isn't?" "I, uh, thought perhaps..." "Uh, are you expecting him for the Hunt Ball?" "This is..." "It doesn't matter." "I'll ring again." " Nothing, Miss McLaidlaw." " Are you sure?" " Positive." " I don't want to be a nuisance, but couldn't it accidentally have been put into somebody else's letter box?" "I'm sorry, miss." "I'm sure it would have been returned if that had happened." "Well, thank you." "Regent 0021, please." "No reply?" "Thank you." " (KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " MRS. McLAIDLAW:" "Lina." "Lina." " Lina." " Hello, Mother." "It's 7:00." "Aren't you going to wear your new dress?" "No, Mother." "I'm not in the mood." " What's the matter, dear?" " My head's splitting." "Mother, I'm not going to the ball." "Not going?" "You mean..." "What'll your father say?" "Perhaps some aspirin." "You haven't a temperature, have you?" " (KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " I don't know." "Yes, come in." " Where's your aspirin, dear?" "I'll get it." " In my bureau drawer." " A telegram for you, miss." " Thank you." " Here's the aspirin, dear." " What for?" " Your headache." " Oh, that's gone." " Tell Father I'll be down in a second." " Really, Lina, I don't understand you." "I say, Lina." "I say." " Yes, Reggie?" " What about our dance?" " Why, of course." "Poor Reggie." " Good." "I say, General, that's not Lina dancing with Wetherby, is it?" " Yes, it is." " By Jove, I didn't recognize her at first." "I hardly know her myself." "(WHISPERING) There's somebody at the door for General McLaidlaw." "General, there's somebody to see you at the door." "This is General McLaidlaw." "I beg your pardon, sir." "There's a gentleman at the door who says he's with your party." "He has no card, sir." "The name is Aysgarth." "Aysgarth?" "Must be a mistake." " General McLaidlaw?" " Yes." "I'm John Aysgarth." "Well, Mr. Aysgarth, I don't recall having invited you in my party." "Oh, how awkward." "I thought you had." "Otherwise I should never have come all the way from London." "(STAMMERS)" "I don't know what to say." "I suggest you say something, General, before you embarrass this poor man to death." "(APPLAUSE)" " LINA:" "Hello, Johnnie." " Hello, Lina." " Hello, Johnnie." " We were wondering when you were coming." "I'm sorry I'm late." "I believe this is our dance, isn't it?" " Hello, Monkeyface." " Hello." "Hello, Monkeyface." "Hello, Johnnie." "But we can't do this." "Where are we going?" " Which is your car?" " This is ridiculous." " Over there." " Good." "Come on." "Roll up the window before you catch cold." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "Have you ever been kissed in a car before?" " Johnnie." " Johnnie what?" "You mustn't joke with me." "I'm no good at joking." " I don't know how to flirt." " I'm not joking." "I'm serious." " Have you ever been kissed in a car?" " Never." "Would you like to be?" "Yes." "Well, well." "You're the first woman I've ever met who said yes when she meant yes." " What do the others say?" " Hanged if I know." "Anything but yes." " But they kiss you?" " Usually." " Have there..." " Have there what, Monkeyface?" " Have there been many?" " I'm afraid so." "Quite a few." "One night, when I couldn't fall asleep, I started to count them." "The way you count sheep jumping over a fence." "I think I passed out on number 73." " Are you always frank with them like this?" " No, no, not particularly." "Why are you frank with me, because I'm different?" "No, no, it isn't that." "I'm honest because with you I think it's the best way to get results." "I hope I'm not saying the wrong thing, but I love you." "No, you haven't said the wrong thing, Monkeyface." " Where are we going?" " I don't know, anywhere." "I think I'm falling in love with you and I don't quite like it." "That's why I stayed away from you for a week." "I was afraid of you." "I didn't think it would happen like this." "Neither did I. I saw an entirely different sort of person." " So did I." " I pictured it all rather conventionally." "We'd meet at a garden party, and then he'd call on me in the evenings, and we'd go for rides together, and then afterward we'd..." "We're coming to my house." "Would you like to stop for a drink?" "Oh, no." "I'm going to get you back to that ball as fast as possible." "(SIGHS)" "Get out." "Why have you stopped?" "I'm sure I don't know." "Now come on." " Good evening, Burton." " I saw you coming up the drive, miss." "We won't be needing you, Burton." "We've just stopped in for a drink." " Very good." " Shall we go in the study?" "Now, you sit down." "I'll mix you a drink." "I think you need one." "You must be made of iron." " Why?" " How can you be so calm?" "Look at me." "I'm shaking." " The least you could do is swoon away." " I know." "I'm rather surprised myself." "I think it's because for the first time in my life," "I know what I want." "Are you courting me?" "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "I'm afraid I am." "This is a wonderful moment." "Here we are in my home, the house that I was born in alone and together in my favorite room." "Do you like this room?" "Very much." "Well, what are you doing here?" "I say, old boy, isn't that going a bit too far?" "(CLICKING TONGUE)" " He doesn't like me." " I know." "He doesn't trust me from here to there." "Do you?" "You're right." "Stop it before it's too late." "Tell her everything you're thinking." "That I'm no good to her, I can only bring her unhappiness." "Warn her." "Speak up, man." "It's your last chance." "Hear him?" "Very distinctly." "He's not exaggerating a thing, dear." "It's all true, every word he isn't saying." "I love him, Father." " Did you see him jump?" " I did." "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "Well, watch this one." "Sir, I have the honor of asking for your daughter's hand in marriage." "Well, what do you say to that?" "(CHUCKLING)" "My, oh, my." "You heard him that time, didn't you?" "It doesn't matter." "It doesn't matter." "Poor Monkeyface." "# (MUSIC PLAYING) #" "Do you hear the music?" "Very clearly." "Let's dance." "Let's dance, before I..." "Before we..." "Let's dance." "(MRS. McLAIDLAW HUMMING)" " I was just going down to the post." " MRS. McLAIDLAW:" "Oh." "Oh." "Could you stop at Marshall's and get me some more of this green wool?" "Where'd I put it?" "Oh, here it is." "Be sure it's the same green." "Better take it out into the daylight." "Yes, Mother." "Is there anything I can do for you, Father?" "No, dear, there's nothing I want." "MRS. McLAIDLAW:" "Don't be late for tea, dear." "Oh, uh..." "That trunk goes up on the landing." "How do you like it, Mrs. Aysgarth?" "Because if you don't like it, just blame it all on Mr. Bailey." "He rented the house when we were on our honeymoon." "He decorated the place." "But if you do like it..." "Oh, I adore it." "I'm mad about it." "It's wonderful." "In that case, you're talking to the right man." "Because I engaged Mr. Bailey, didn't I, Mr. Bailey?" "Yes, Mr. Aysgarth." "That's true, I must say." "Johnnie, you're a genius." "Mr. Aysgarth, I shall have to be getting along now." "What shall we do about the bill?" "Will you drop it on that pretty little table on your way out, Bailey, old boy?" "Oh." "Yes." "Thank you, Mr. Aysgarth." "And may I wish you both the very best of everything." " Oh, thank you." " Goodbye, Mr. Bailey." "Johnnie, I never dreamt I would have such a gorgeous place." "Are you sure you can afford it?" " Oh, I've forgotten your name." " Ethel, sir." " Well, Ethel, what about some tea?" " Very good, sir." " What do you think of Ethel?" " She seems perfect." " Are you sure..." " Let's go in the drawing room." "# (MUSIC PLAYING) #" " Where are we?" " The Hunt Ball." " Where else?" " Venice." "And?" "And Naples, and Capri, and Monte Carlo, and Nice." " And?" " Paris." " Paris." " (ETHEL CLEARS THROAT)" "I beg your pardon." "A telegram for you, sir." "Thank you, uh, Ethel." "It isn't bad news, is it, dear?" "No, dear." "It's from an old friend of mine." "Stupid fellow, he wants £1,000." " You couldn't spare £1,000, could you?" " A thousand?" "What does he want it for?" "Hanged if I know." "Probably because I borrowed it from him." "You borrowed it?" "Why?" "Because I was going on a honeymoon with the loveliest girl in the world and I wanted her to be happy." "Was she happy?" " Didn't you have any money of your own?" " No." "Not a shilling." "But I thought..." "I had the impression... (CHUCKLES) Don't worry your darling little head about it today of all days." "I'll take care of old Henry somehow." "Johnnie, I still don't understand." "Are you broke?" "Monkeyface, I've been broke all my life." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Every time I brought the subject up, you..." "Whatever made you take this extravagant house?" "I didn't think you'd want to live in a shack." "A girl like you is going to come into plenty of money someday." "Wait a minute, I can't quite get this into my head." "Were you thinking of my inheritance when... (SOFTLY) I don't know what to say." "Oh, now, darling, really." "Isn't it silly to spend the best years of our lives waiting?" "Why not be comfortable now?" "Johnnie..." "I'm just beginning to understand you." "You're a baby." "Oh, I know you didn't marry me for my money." "You could have done much better elsewhere." "But my income will never pay for all this." "Never." "What about your father?" "I couldn't possibly ask my father." "Or even my mother." "You saw how restrained she was when she met us at the station." "Anyway, you wouldn't actually want to live on your wife's allowance, would you?" " Of course not, darling." " Well, then?" "Answer me, Johnnie." "Well," "I suppose if the worst comes to the worst and there's no other way out..." " I suppose I'll have to..." " What?" "Borrow some more." "I haven't touched old Middleham yet." "He ought to be good for a month or two's housekeeping." "I think you must be mad." "Monkeyface." "Marrying you is the sanest thing I ever did in my life." "Come on, Ethel." "Give it to me." "That's much too heavy for a little girl like you." "Thank you, sir." "Better clear off the table." "Here, take that." "Is there any cake, Ethel?" " Yes, sir." " Well go along, get it." "Here, dear." "Come on." "Thank you." " Johnnie." " Uh-huh?" "There's going to be no more borrowing." " What else is there to do?" " You've got to go to work." " Work?" " Yes, work." "You mean put on old clothes, go out with a shovel?" "Don't be flippant." "Then what do you mean?" "I'm afraid you're a bit of a dreamer, darling." "Let's be practical about this." "Do you know the statistics on unemployment?" "Do you realize in order to be a plumber, or a carpenter, or an electrician..." "Darling, you haven't been around." "They have to be apprentices first." "Even after that..." " Oh, darling." " There are all sorts of jobs, Johnnie." "Well, I'm broad-minded." "Let's have some tea and then talk it over." "I could make out a list of jobs." "It might be fun." "I'll get a pencil and paper." "Excuse me, dear." "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "It's right there behind you." "Hello?" "Hello, Mother." "Oh, yes, it's wonderful." "A most beautiful house." "Would you tell Father how badly I felt?" "Oh, he is?" "Wait a minute till I tell Johnnie." "Johnnie, Father's sending us a wedding present." "Mother told him how happy I looked and..." "Oh, I can't tell you how much this means to me." " Me, too." " Yes." "Father?" "Yes." "Yes." " Go on, ask him when he's sending it." " It's coming right away, by messenger." "Invite them over for dinner." "Perhaps he'd like to play some golf someday." "And if you can slip it in, just tell him we were in the throes of job-hunting when he telephoned." "It doesn't hurt to impress the old boy." "Does it?" "Johnnie, really, you are the limit." "How can you be so gay about something..." "That you should be ashamed of?" "What, Father?" "Yes, Johnnie and I were just having a sober and comprehensive discussion of that very subject." "He has several ideas of the kind of job he'd like to do" " and several good opportunities." " (DOOR OPENS)" "There's a messenger from General McLaidlaw." "Bring it in." "LINA:" "It's just come, Father." "Hold on, do." "I think I know what it is, and if it is what I think it is..." "Oh, Johnnie, you'll be thrilled." "Oh, it is!" "Oh, how wonderful." "We've had them in the family before I was born." "Father's had lots of offers to sell them, but he never would." " How many more, for heaven's sake?" " Just these two, sir." "He sent us both of them." "Johnnie, these are Father's most precious possessions." "You don't say." "These will be our first heirlooms to be handed down to our children..." "And then to their children." "That's the thing to do with them, all right." "Father, you're so good to me that you make me want to cry." "(CREAKING)" "What was that?" "Yes, you've made me very, very happy." "Oh, you've made Johnnie very happy, too." "Just a minute, Father, he wants to say something." "Say something very nice." "These chairs really belong in a museum." "Hello, General." "Yes, but really, shouldn't you have sent them to a museum?" "Naturally we're thrilled." "Who wouldn't be?" "What, a job?" "Oh, yes, Lina and I were just going into that." "I have some excellent opportunities." "What?" "What are they?" "I've just received a letter from my cousin, Captain Melbeck." "Yes, he is a splendid chap." "He wants someone to manage his estate." "I thought I'd take the job." "I'm glad you approve." "Yes, we must." "We'll get together very soon." "I'll leave it up to Lina, shall I?" "All right." "Goodbye, sir." "That was a fib about Captain Melbeck, wasn't it?" "Was it?" " Did you have this letter all the time?" " I did." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because, dear, I never dreamed I'd be using it... any more than I ever dreamed we'd be receiving these two beautiful chairs." "Hello." "It's a nice place old Johnnie's got here." "It's an old Georgian house, isn't it?" "I bet it cost him a packet to redecorate." " Who are you?" " I'm Beaky Thwaite." " You must be old Johnnie's wife." " Yes, I am." "Didn't he ever tell you about me?" "Beaky?" "Oh, you're Beaky." "That's what they used to call me at school." "I happened to be driving by." "I thought I'd just pop in for a cup of tea." "I've heard so much about you, Mr. Thwaite." "Johnnie told me about you, too." "I ran into him at Newbury Races last week." "The races?" "Put my foot in it as usual, have I?" "Didn't he tell you?" "Johnnie has a job." "He couldn't have been at the races." "Besides, he's given up betting." "He has, has he?" "Don't you believe it, not Johnnie." "He's a great lad, he is." "You mustn't mind Johnnie cutting up." "That's what makes him Johnnie." "Besides, he thinks you're a topper, he does." " I think so, too. (CHUCKLES)" " Won't you sit down, Mr. Thwaite?" "I don't see why not." "Something wrong?" "Yes." "There were two chairs here this morning before I left." "Chairs?" "Disappeared, have they?" "Yes, apparently." " Were they expensive?" " Yes, they were." "They were museum pieces." "(LAUGHS)" "That Johnnie, he'll be the death of me." "Don't you understand?" " No, I don't." " I bet you 20-to-1 that Johnnie sold them." "Sold them?" "What for?" "For money, of course." "A fellow's got to pay his racing debts, hasn't he?" "Johnnie dropped a packet of money at Newbury, I can tell you that." "You know, these bookies don't trust a chap for long." "Not a chap like Johnnie, that is." "I don't believe you." "I don't believe a word you're saying." "Put my foot in it again, have I?" "My dear, you mustn't take it so seriously." "After all, it's Johnnie." "Wonderful chap, Johnnie." "There's nobody like him." "But I needn't tell you that." "He couldn't have sold them." "He wouldn't, without asking me." "BEAKY: (WHISPERING) Here he comes." "Don't tell him I've said a word." "Now, if you want to see old Johnnie at his very best, just say something about chairs." "He doesn't need more than one second to invent the most howling lie you ever heard." "I wouldn't have missed this for anything in the world." " Beaky." " Johnnie, how are you?" " What are you doing here?" " I just popped in to see you, old boy." "I'm so glad to see you." "How's my little Monkeyface?" "Hmm?" " What's the matter, darling?" " Nothing." "Why?" "You sure?" "Your wife seems to be missing some chairs, old boy." "Beaky, your pipe's not lit." "Let me get you a match." "Oh, thanks, old bean." "Hmm..." " Here you are, Beaky, catch." " Thanks, old boy." "About those chairs, old bean?" " Hmm?" " The missing chairs, old man." "Oh, yes, the chairs." "I imagine the American came to get them this morning." "What American?" "Didn't I tell you about him, darling?" "Oh, how stupid of me." "He dropped by about a week ago." "A friend of Melbeck's." "I think you were out riding." "Go on, old man." "Anyway, he admired the chairs." "Extravagant fellow." "Offered £100 apiece for them." "Can you imagine?" "Anyone would take that." "I wouldn't." "Wouldn't you really, dear?" "That never occurred to me." "I, uh..." "As a matter of fact, I told him you would." "Why didn't you mention it?" "I'm sorry, darling, but I thought I did." "That's all right." "If they're gone, they're gone." "They're gone, all right." "LINA:" "Shall we change for dinner?" "You are an angel." "Hold on a minute." "You say he offered you £100 apiece for them?" " That's right." " Let's have a look at the check." " He'll send it along." " I bet you £10 to a shilling you wouldn't dare let your wife pick up the telephone and ask old Melbeck, or whatever his name is, if he ever saw this American." "Are you implying that my husband is a liar, Mr. Thwaite?" "Oh, Monkeyface, don't mind Beaky, he's only joking." "I prefer jokes on other subjects." "Are you staying for dinner, Mr. Thwaite?" "Dinner?" "I'm spending the weekend unless you throw me out." "Johnnie's friends are always welcome, as long as they remain Johnnie's friends." "Hello, Isobel." "Good afternoon." " I'll see you tomorrow." " Admiring your display?" "ISOBEL:" "It's nice." "Isn't it?" "After all, we have to do well by our only local celebrity." " Are you going my way?" " Yes, I am." " How's Johnnie?" " Oh, he's fine." "I just bought your latest for him." "He's an ardent admirer of yours." "I don't believe there's one of your stories he hasn't read." " What's the matter?" " Oh, I just remembered something." "Will you excuse me, Isobel?" "I want to make some inquiries." " Certainly, my dear." " I'll see you for dinner soon." " Delighted." " I'll phone you, then." "Goodbye." "BEAKY:" "Hello, old girl." "Mr. Thwaite, I owe you an apology." "Good." "I mean, what for?" "I'll explain to you later, but I'm afraid I've done you an injustice." "You've done me an injustice?" "Thanks very much." "I, my dear, forgive you from the bottom of my heart." "You seem a bit hot under the collar." "Not angry, are you?" "Don't answer." "You are." " Must be about old Johnnie." " Would you excuse me?" "I..." "Dear, you mustn't be angry with Johnnie." "It's a waste of time." "If you want to get sore with me, that's a different thing altogether." "I annoy everybody, always did." "But not Johnnie." "No, no, no." "You mustn't, really." "JOHNNIE:" "Lina!" "Beaky!" "Would you mind, I want to speak to Johnnie alone." "Could you..." " You mean out in the garden?" " Please." "Hello, hello, hello." "Don't move." "Just stay like that." "I must watch the expressions on your faces." " Ethel!" " What've you got there, old bean?" "You'll find out soon enough, Beaky." "This is a red-letter day." "Ethel." " Yes, sir?" " What have we to drink in the house?" "Gin, brandy, champagne and Pimm's No. 1, sir." " Bring them all, Ethel, and get a move on." " Very good, sir." "Stand aside." "Stand aside, Beaky." "Remember that necklace you admired in the shop window in Regent Street?" "It's yours." "And here..." "Oh, no, that's for Ethel." "Oh, Beaky, here's a little present for you." " What is it, old bean?" " It's a secret." " Oh, stick." " That's the finest that money can buy." " Thanks, old bean." " Hold those a moment, will you?" "Darling, do you remember this?" "I saw the hungry eye you gave it last time we were up in London." "It's yours." "Thank you, Beaky." "Here are some hats for you." "Never did like your hats from the first moment I ever saw you." "Remember the funny little hat you wore on the train?" "Johnnie, I don't understand." " What made you do all this?" " Now, dear, don't be angry." "If you don't like the hats, you can always return them." "I got a present for myself." "Do you mind?" "I say, old girl, this is a nice stick." "Strong, eh?" "Hmm?" " Oh!" "Dog, eh?" " That's right." " All dogs are fond of me." " Go to Monkeyface." "But, Johnnie, you haven't told us what this is all about." " Yes, what's it mean, old bean?" " I have the pleasure of announcing the Goodwood Cup was run today and I happened to have backed the winner." "A 10-to-1 shot, and I had £200 on it." "£200 at 10-to-1, that's 2,000 quid." " Oh, Beaky, that's amazing." " What do you mean?" " The way you worked that out so quickly." " What?" "You know, the little sum." " You're pulling my leg, old bean." " (BOTH LAUGH)" "Darling, what's happened to your tongue?" "Oh, I suppose you disapprove of my betting." "Not with 2,000 quid in her lap, she doesn't." "Come on, darling, smile." "I know I've been naughty, but it's all for you." " Ha-ha!" "See that?" "That's Johnnie." " Go on, darling, smile." "Johnnie, where did you get the £200?" " That's not a very tactful question." " Where did you get it?" "You know very well there was no American." "I got it for the chairs, of course." "You sold the chairs to gamble all your money on a horse." "Not exactly." "I owed the bookies some money." "It's an ancient story, but you know how bookies are." "(BEAKY LAUGHS)" "I got the £200 to pay them off." "But then, along came this hot tip and..." "Oh, darling, come on, give us a smile." "Come on, old girl." "I know." " You tickle her chin, and I'll make faces." " Think that will work?" "Come on, smile." "Come on, dear." " Do you see the glimmer of a smile?" " No, not a thing, Beaky." " Know any other tricks?" " Yeah." "I got something that never fails." "I make a noise like a duck." "(MIMICS QUACKING)" "No, that's not doing it." " Shall I do this at the same time?" " Yeah, try that." "Come on, dear." "I forgot something." "Darling, look." "It's a receipt from a certain shop for a certain pair of chairs." "Paid in full, and they deliver within the hour." "JOHNNIE:" "Oh, look, she's smiling." "BEAKY:" "I dare say she is." "My darling." "Well done, old bean." "I say, look." "Ethel's done her stuff." "What about celebrating?" "You can always trust Beaky to say the right thing at the right time." "Come on, old bean." "I could do with a pull at the beaker, old bean." "Ethel, a present for you." "Turn around." "Oh!" "Oh, Mr. Aysgarth." "It's much too good for me." "You shouldn't have done that." " Oh, thank you, sir." " Don't mention it." "What will my young man think?" " Don't forget the box." " Yes, sir." " Don't forget my hat." " No, sir." "Thank you, sir." " This is yours, old girl." " Thank you, Beaky." " This is yours, old bean." " Thank you." "Now for a toast." " What have you got there, Beaky, brandy?" " Just this once, old bean." " You know that's not good for you." " All right, old man." " Maybe just this once." " All right, old bean." "Monkeyface, I drink to the last bet that will ever made by Johnnie Aysgarth." "To the last bet, old bean." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "(COUGHING)" "(CONTINUES COUGHING)" "Johnnie, get some water, quick." "It won't help." "I've seen this happen before." "There's nothing much you can do about it." "That's no use, darling." "It will either kill him or it will go away by itself." "(HEAVY BREATHING)" "(STUTTERING) Sorry, old bean." "One of these days, it will kill him." " Hello, Mrs. Aysgarth." " How are you, Mrs. Newsham?" "What a lot of books." "Do you really read them all, my dear?" "I'm afraid not." "They're for Johnnie." "Johnnie?" "Since when has he..." " Oh!" "Detective stories." " Yes, he adores them." "So Johnnie's settled down to the simple rural life." " And it seems to agree with him." " Abandoned all his vices, has he?" "Vices?" "What vices, Mrs. Newsham?" "Such as betting at the races, for instance." "He has no time for that." "He's much too busy with his job." "Is he?" "Then he must have taken an afternoon off last Tuesday." "He was at the Merchester Races." "Was he?" "How interesting." "Good afternoon." "Goodbye." " Good afternoon, Mrs. Aysgarth." " Good afternoon." "Is Mr. Aysgarth in?" "Mr. Aysgarth?" "Why, no." " When do you expect him?" " I really couldn't say." "Perhaps you'd like to talk to Captain Melbeck." "Yes, I would very much, please." "Mrs. Aysgarth to see you." "Oh, come in." "Mrs. Aysgarth, what a pleasure to see you." "Good afternoon." " Do sit down." " Thank you." "Captain Melbeck, I don't want to impose upon you, but you're Johnnie's cousin as well as his employer, and I wanted to talk to you about him." "I'm terribly worried." "Yes, I can understand that." "On the other hand, I told him I wouldn't prosecute." "Of course..." " I don't understand." " I told him I wouldn't prosecute." "What on earth are you talking about?" "How does he get away with it?" "What reason did he give you when I discharged him?" " When did you discharge him?" " Six weeks ago." "Captain Melbeck, I haven't a very keen sense of humor." "If this is a joke, I wish you would tell me." "It's not funny to me, Mrs. Aysgarth." "We had an unexpected audit six weeks ago." "The accounts showed a deficit of £2,000." "And when I looked into Johnnie's records..." "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Aysgarth." "He should have told you." "It's perfectly all right." "And you say you aren't going to prosecute?" "Not for the time being." "I'll give him every possible opportunity of replacing the money, but, well..." "After all..." "Yes, of course." "Thank you very much, Captain Melbeck." "Goodbye." " Good afternoon, madam." " Mr. Aysgarth home yet?" "No, madam." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" " Then you've heard." " Yes, I've heard." "I'm so sorry, darling." "I'm terribly sorry." "This telegram just came from the doctor." "It tells how it happened." "(SHUDDERS)" "(SOBBING)" "LAWYER: "And to my dear sister, Emily Scudamore," ""I bequeath an annuity of £1,000 for the duration of her lifetime." ""To my niece, Miss Elsie Chilling, the sum of £5,000." ""To my two dear cousins, Robert and Jane Atwood, £500 each." ""The residue of my estate, my house, and all the property contained therein..." ""I leave to my beloved wife, Martha..." ""with the wish that she continue the present allowance of £500 a year..." ""to my daughter, Lina." ""Also... (COUGHS)" ""Also, to my daughter, Lina, and her husband, John Aysgarth..." ""I bequeath the portrait of myself..." ""painted by the distinguished Sir Joshua Nettlewood."" " I could do with a drink." " I'll get you one, dear." "Don't bother, I'll get it myself." "In the study, isn't it?" "You win, old boy." "Lina?" "Yes, dear?" "Do you ever have any regrets that you married me?" "Why do you ask that?" "It seems pretty obvious that your father would've left you a lot more than his portrait if you'd been anybody else but Mrs. John Aysgarth." "Oh, so that's what you meant." "You haven't answered my question." "What about you?" "Have you any regrets?" "Monkeyface, marrying you is the one thing I've never changed my mind about." " Do you really mean that, Johnnie?" " Yes, I really mean that." "I want nothing but to spend the rest of my life with you." "And if you were to die first, I..." "If I were to die first?" "Listen, what about you?" "I couldn't stop loving you if I tried." "Have you tried?" "Yes." "Once." "When?" "When I found out you'd lost your job with Captain Melbeck." " How long have you known?" " Since last Friday." " Who told you?" " Captain Melbeck." "I met him." " Did he tell you why?" " No." "Suppose you tell me why." "We just didn't get along." "Quite nice here." "Shall we stop and look at the sea?" "Why didn't you get along with him?" "I don't know." "He's a bit of an old fogy, you know." "I suppose my ideas were too daring for him." "Monkeyface, I've always had the notion that the secret of success is to start at the top." "(CHUCKLES)" "You think I'm talking through my hat, don't you?" "Well, I'm not." "The way to make money is to think in a big way." "Look at all this land, for instance." "Look at the view." "Why isn't something done about it?" "If I had £10,000, or better still, 20,000," "I could start a development here." "All you need is £20,000?" "Mmm-hmm." "Or £30,000." "An extra £10,000 wouldn't hurt a bit." "You see, Beaky, this is the ground plan." "BEAKY:" "Wonderful, old bean." "We could put the large hotel there." "That's the idea." "And down below here, we could build the beach huts." "Beechnuts, old bean?" " Huts, Beaky." " (DOOR OPENS)" "Hello." "What goes on here, anyway?" "Monkeyface, we're organizing a real estate company." "We're about to buy a very beautiful piece of land right by the sea." "What a view, what sun, what air." "Then we're going to sell part of it at a profit." "Yes, but all of this will need financing, won't it?" "Of course." "You found somebody to put up the money?" "Of course." " Who?" " Me." "Oh, I see." "The idea is mine, but the money is Beaky's." "And the corporation, Beaky borrows against those securities he has in Paris." "Then we issue stock, and..." "Let me show you, dear." "The company's going to be in my name." " LINA:" "Yes, but..." " Look, darling... let me show you how simple it is." " Does Beaky understand it?" " Perfectly." "I think." "I beg your pardon, sir." "Captain Melbeck would like to talk to you on the telephone." "Oh." "Thank you, Ethel." "I'll take it in the study." " Excuse me, Beaky." " All right, old bean." "Beaky, please explain it to me, will you?" "You see, my dear girl..." "I say, I rather like this feeling of big business and all that sort of thing." "George, I keep telling you not to worry about it." "I've got something on now that'll make it certain I can pay you back within a couple of weeks." "Well, you see, we buy up this land and then we sell part of it." "That gives us a 100% profit in no time." "On the other part, we build something or other." "But from whom do you buy the land?" "How much do you pay for it?" " To whom do you sell it?" " That shouldn't be difficult." "Beaky, isn't it about time you grew up?" " I say, old girl." "You're scolding me." " You need a scolding." " Do I?" " Yes, you do." "Shall I go and stand in the corner?" " Beaky, you're not being fair to Johnnie." " I say, old girl, that's a bit thick." "Why, he's president of the whole bally thingamajig." " Gets a salary, writes his own checks." " Yes, that's what I mean." "What's wrong with that?" "Old bean, Lina's been telling me you're a bit soft in the head." "Is that it?" " It sounded like that to me." " Come now, that's not very wifely." "Beaky, hadn't you better change for dinner?" "It's getting late, you know." "Darling, Beaky's staying with us for a few days." " You know your room." " I shan't be a jiffy." "Look here." "What right have you to interfere in my affairs?" "I wasn't really." "I was only..." "You were only what?" "I was only trying to tell Beaky that he shouldn't leave everything to you because if something went wrong, he should take a little responsibility, too." "It's not as if you're both experienced businessmen." "What the devil do you know about business?" "Very little." "I was only..." "Suppose Beaky had taken you seriously?" "You'd have ruined the whole scheme, you realize that?" " But if it weren't any good..." " That's my business, not yours." "If I say it's good, it's good." "I'm going through with this deal." "I don't want any interference from you or anyone else." " Is that clear?" " Yes, that's clear." "Hello, Monkeyface." "Oh!" "You frightened me." "I didn't see you coming." "I thought you might like to know I'm calling off the real estate plan." "Why?" "What happened?" " Nothing." " Does Beaky know about this?" " No, not yet." " Why are you doing it?" "I don't know." "Perhaps the land isn't any good." "Who knows?" "Or perhaps I don't like the idea of risking Beaky's money." "Or perhaps it's a stiff job and I'm too lazy." " Are you still angry about last night?" " No, I'm not angry." "Are you sure?" "Because I couldn't sleep all night." "You'd never spoken so sharply to me before, and I was afraid..." "Afraid of what?" "I was afraid you'd stopped loving me." "No, Monkeyface, I'm not angry." "And I love you very much." "BEAKY:" "Every time I play anagrams, I can only make three-letter words." "D-O-U-B." "There's no such word." "D-O-U-B-T. "Doubt." F-U-L. "Doubtful."" "Take that, old girl." "Personally, old bean, I don't see what's wrong with the scheme." "But if you say there's no good going ahead, don't let's go ahead." "Do I get another turn?" "I still don't understand why we have to go all the way out there to look at it." "Beaky, I won't be responsible for calling the scheme off without first proving to you it's no good." "If you say it's no good, that satisfies me." "After all, you discovered the land." "It was your idea." "If a fellow has an idea, he jolly well ought to follow it up." "All the same, you have to go up there early tomorrow morning and take a look." "Why are you so insistent?" "Because, as I told you, I won't be responsible." "BEAKY:" "That's a long one. "Mudder." There's no such word." "Try the "R."" "I don't want to go up there in the morning." "Besides, it'll be nasty, and cold, and wet." "JOHNNIE:" "Now, Beaky." "BEAKY:" "What time do we have to start?" "If I had an "E" and an "R", I could make that murderer." "The earlier the better." "I'd say about 7:00." "There won't be so much traffic on the road." "BEAKY: 7:00?" "That's a bit pig's tail." "JOHNNIE:" "Pig's tail?" "BEAKY:" "Too early." "Too early." "Get it?" "Did you never hear that one, pig's tail?" "(BEAKY LAUGHING)" "Is Mr. Aysgarth having breakfast, Ethel?" "No, ma'am, he wouldn't wait." "He said he'd have some on the road." "He left two hours ago with Mr. Thwaite." " What car did they use?" " Mr. Thwaite's, I believe, ma'am." "(WAVES CRASHING)" "(DISTANT WHISTLING)" "(WHISTLING CONTINUES)" "This ought to do it." "Put in the plug now." "Mmm." "How's that, old bean?" " Hello, old girl." " Hello, darling." "(CHUCKLING)" "What's all this?" "I've only been away a few hours." " It seemed like a thousand years." " Seems like that to me, too." "Shut up, Beaky." "It was nothing." "Nothing?" "I came very close to losing my life." "You call that nothing?" " You nearly lost your life?" " Came very close to it." " Let's drop the subject." " No, Beaky, go on." "I want to hear." "There we were at the top of the cliff." "I finally agreed that Johnnie was right." "There was too much chalk in the soil." "I was trying to turn my car near the edge of the cliff." "I never was very handy with a car." " Was Johnnie in the car?" " No." "He was a few feet away looking over at the view." "It's hardly worth talking about." "Let's all have a drink." "Go on, Beaky." "I didn't realize I was backing the car towards the edge." "But I was, by Jove." "Right up to it." "If Johnnie hadn't taken a flying leap and grabbed the brake," "I should be in kingdom come by now." " Johnnie saved your life?" " He certainly did." "Came jolly close to losing his own, too." "Johnnie, I can never tell you how much this means to me." " To you, darling?" " It means a good bit to me, too." "The old fellow deserves a reward." "How about a night out?" "A spot of celebrating on me." "That's kind of you, Beaky, but don't you have to go to Paris?" " Paris?" " Yes." "My securities are over there." "I've got to go over there and cancel all the arrangements for them." "Why don't you come over with me?" "The cad seems to forget I'm a married man." "I'll tell you what I might do, Beaky." "I might drive up as far as London with you." "Take you up on that evening out." " How about that, Monkeyface?" " Yes, Monkey..." "Lina." "Do let him come." "It seems to me that..." "Yes, I know." "It seems to you I should be looking for a job." "It seems to me I'd have much more chance of getting a job in London than I would anywhere around here." "Yes, of course he would." "Do let him come, Lina." "(CHUCKLING) I don't see very well how I can stop him." " Hooray!" " Hooray!" "Pity that he won't come to Paris with me." "Did I ever tell you what happened to me last time I was in Paris?" "A very curious incident." "I was walking down the Champs Élysées... and I met the most charming girl." "Took her out and gave her a spot of dinner." " And it wasn't till much later..." " (CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh." "Sorry, old bean." "Sorry, old girl." "Nearly put the foot in it again, have I?" "(DOG BARKING)" "There's an Inspector Hodgson in the hall, ma'am." "He wanted to see Mr. Aysgarth." "But when I said he was away, he asked if he might speak to you." "Show him to the study, will you, Ethel, please." "Very good, madam." " Will you come this way, please, sir?" " Thank you." " Mrs. Aysgarth?" " Yes." "My name's Hodgson." "Inspector Hodgson." "We're from the county police." "This is my colleague." "Mr. Benson." " How do you do, Mr. Benson?" " How do you do?" " Won't you sit down?" " Thank you, ma'am." "I understand your husband's not in." "No." "He's been up in London for two days." "As he's not here, I thought you might be able to help us." "Yes, of course." "Won't you have some tea or something?" "No, thank you." "We've had ours." "I believe you know a Mr. Thwaite." "Yes, he's a close friend of my husband." "I don't know how to put it, quite." "Perhaps it would be easier if I showed you this." "This afternoon's paper." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "This is a shock." "You see, we knew him so very well." "Sorry to have to do this, ma'am, but we're making inquiries on behalf of the Paris police." "They found papers on Mr. Thwaite's person which indicated he'd just formed a corporation with your husband." "What do the French police believe caused the death?" "This is the copy of a telegram we received from Paris." ""Thwaite visited the place in the company of another Englishman." ""Both men had evidently been drinking." ""On arrival, Thwaite ordered a bottle of brandy." ""According to the statement of one of the waiters belonging to the establishment" ""Thwaite's companion asked for the brandy to be served in large beakers." ""Apparently, as a result of a bet between the two men..." ""Thwaite filled one of these beakers to the brim and drank it all." ""The other man was not present when the actual tragedy happened" ""having left the place a few minutes before." ""French police have not yet succeeded in establishing his identity." ""According to the waiter, who has a slight understanding of English," ""his name would appear to be 'Awlbeam' or 'Holebeam."'" "I'm sorry to upset you, ma'am." "But do you or your husband know of any friend of Mr. Thwaite's who would answer to such a name?" "Perhaps Mrs. Aysgarth could enlighten us about this corporation." "Yes, I believe I can." "My husband had planned a real estate development with him." "Mr. Thwaite had gone to Paris to dissolve the corporation." "He apparently died before he could do this." "Thank you, ma'am." "Any further questions, Benson?" "None that I can think of." " Thank you very much, Mrs. Aysgarth." " Thank you." "Oh, I'm sorry." "When does Mr. Aysgarth return from London?" "I expect him this evening." "HODGSON:" "Would you ask him to ring me at the station?" "Yes, of course." "Goodbye, Inspector Hodgson." "Goodbye." " Benson." " Goodbye, Mrs. Aysgarth." "LINA:" "He didn't go to Paris." "He didn't go to Paris, I tell you." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hogarth Club." "May I speak to Mr. Aysgarth, please?" "When do you expect him?" "He left yesterday morning?" "No." "It doesn't matter." "Thank you." "JOHNNIE:" "Hello, Monkeyface." "You've read about Beaky, have you?" "I was terribly fond of Beaky." " Were you?" " Yes, dear." "I loved that silly, generous, good-hearted fool." " Did you?" " Of course I did." "Next to you, I loved him more than anybody in the world." "Next to me?" "Oh, poor Monkeyface." "Here I am thinking only of myself and forgetting all about you." "You liked him, too, didn't you?" "I liked him very much." "The police were here." "What did they want?" "They wanted you to help them." "They had a telegram from Paris and it seems there was an Englishman who made a bet..." "Yes, I know." "The whole story was in the late edition." "What else?" "The inspector wants you to phone them." "He thought perhaps you could help identify this Englishman." "Hmm." "What did you tell them?" "Did you mention the corporation?" "Naturally." "I told them that Beaky was planning to dissolve it." "I wish you'd left all that to me." "What else did you tell them?" "That's about all." "I said I was expecting you back from London at any moment." "Hello." "Wickstead police station, please." "Hello?" "Hello, Inspector." "This is John Aysgarth." "I've just got home." "Yes." "Yes, well, I drove up to London with him on Tuesday evening." "We dined at the Savoy." "No." "Yes." "Then I saw him off at Croyden Airport." "Yes." "No." "I stayed in London until this afternoon." "At my club." "Yes." "Yes." "Not at all, Inspector." "If I can help you in any other way, be sure to let me know." "Isobel, may I come in?" "Lina, how nice." "I was thinking only yesterday that I don't see half as much of you as I'd like." "How sweet of you." "I couldn't put my light out until 3:00 this morning." "I was so interested in your last book that" "I had to come over and talk to you about it." "That's the most thrilling compliment I ever got." "Come and sit down." " Had your tea?" " Yes, I have." "Thank you." "I never knew you were such a murder story fan." "Neither did I until recently." " Did you really like it?" " I couldn't put it down." "I was completely fascinated by the way your villain..." "My villain?" "My hero, you mean." "I always think of my murderers as my heroes." "But I didn't mean to interrupt." "You were saying you were completely fascinated." "When he enticed his victim across the footbridge, knowing that the bridge had been sawn through..." "He also knew that his victim couldn't swim." "Don't forget that." "What I want to know is this." "Would you call that an actual murder?" "From a moral standpoint, there's no question at all." "It is murder." "I suppose it is." "What does Johnnie think?" "Johnnie?" "I haven't discussed it with him yet." "I should think he'd be interested." "The same situation with this friend of his in Paris." "The same?" "That brandy business is just like my footbridge." "If they get his companion, the question would be:" "Was it murder or an accident?" "The brandy thing isn't new at all, you know." " It's been done before?" " Yes, and in real life, too." "I have it here." "Richard Palmer got rid of one of his victims that way." "A man called Abbey." "Was he hanged?" "Trial of Richard Palmer." "Where can it be?" "They got him eventually, after he killed half a dozen other people." "The fool got bored with the brandy method and went on with real poison." " He was a fool, wasn't he?" " Maybe I put it under the "T's."" "If he'd stuck to brandy, he might have..." "That's an interesting idea." "Suppose I ask my brother about it." "He's the Home Office Analyst." "Conducts post-mortems and all that sort of thing." "I get some of my neatest ideas from him." "It really doesn't matter, Isobel." "Please don't bother." "It's not important." "I'll run along." "I don't want to trouble you." " Now I remember." "It's in your own house." " What is?" "The Trial of Richard Palmer." "That book about the brandy." "Johnnie borrowed it a couple of weeks ago." " Goodbye, Isobel." " Goodbye, my dear." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "No, he isn't in." "This is Mrs. Aysgarth speaking." "This is the Guarantors Assurance Company." "Would you tell Mr. Aysgarth that there's been a slight delay in replying to his inquiry?" "We have written him fully on the matter." "He should get our letter by first post in the morning." "Yes, I will." "Thank you." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " Good morning, madam." " LINA:" "Good morning." "Are there any letters?" "Just three for Mr. Aysgarth and a magazine for you, ma'am." "Hello, Ethel." "You here again?" "Yes, sir." "I've brought your morning tea and the post." "JOHNNIE:" "Hello, darling." "Any letters for me?" "Three." "Thank you, dear." " JOHNNIE:" "Well, well, well." " Good news?" "Got a letter from old Spotty." "He's going to India." "What a life." "Says he wishes he had time to pop down and see us." "That'd be a dream." "Poor old Spotty." " Do you mind if I take my bath before you?" " LINA:" "No, dear." "(DOOR OPENS)" "JOHNNIE:" "May I have some more soap, Monkeyface?" "This bit's nearly gone." "Yes, there's some in the cupboard above the washbasin." "(CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS)" " Darling, you're not shivering, are you?" " Mmm, I've a bit of a chill." "Cold in all this sunshine?" "Let me warm you up." "My poor little shivering baby." "How do you feel now?" "Better?" " Much." " Good." "Perhaps this will help." " Darling, what are we doing tonight?" " We're going to Isobel's to dine." "What a bore." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Issie, let's get back to that new book of yours." "The fellow comes into the room, locks it behind him, and then sits down and starts at the piano then somebody shoots him through the locked door?" "That the idea?" "That doesn't make sense." "Why would he do that?" "Why would he lock the door just to play the piano?" "Was he ashamed of his playing?" "ISOBEL:" "I arranged it this way." "A certain note on the piano was wired to a revolver concealed in the wall paneling." "When the victim struck this note..." "There you are." "I don't care much for that." "You're slipping, old girl." " What's wrong with it, my dear chap?" " JOHNNIE:" "That's too complicated." "If you're going to kill somebody, do it simply." "Am I right, Dr. Sedbusk?" "You're right." "Just as long as you don't get caught." " ISOBEL:" "Do the wine, will you?" " Yes, Issie." "How would you do it simply?" "I don't know, dear." "I'd use the most obvious method." "The most important thing is that no one should suspect me." " LINA:" "For instance?" " For instance, poison." "Just use the first one that came to my mind." "Say, arsenic." "Ah!" "Arsenic." "I remember in Gloucester, where we exhumed the body four years after, there was still enough poison, even in the fingernails and the hair." "Yes, but did you get the murderer?" "Let me see." "No, I don't think we did." "JOHNNIE:" "There you are." "Think of it." "This very minute, there are hundreds of people who have committed murder and they're walking about freely." "JOHNNIE:" "Thousands." "Do you suppose those murderers are happy, Johnnie?" "I don't know, dear." "I don't see why they shouldn't be." "Fear of discovery, my lad." "So long as arsenic leaves traces, and a bullet's marked by the barrel of a gun, and the tiniest hair of your head could be identified..." "It seems to me by now someone would've discovered a poison that can't be traced." "What about it, Doctor?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "A very interesting corpse dropped in the other day." " ISOBEL:" "Do let's hear about it." " No, please." "Don't change the subject." "I saw that look that passed between you." "There is an untraceable poison, isn't there?" "ISOBEL:" "Nonsense." "No such thing." "I'll bet you know, Doctor." "What is it?" "Not in a million years." "Now, come." "After all, do I look like a murderer?" "WOMAN:" "That's an interesting question." "What do you think, Issie?" "Issie can always tell by looking at a person's face whether he or she is capable of murder." "Can't you, Issie?" "I don't want to sound conceited, but I usually can." "DR. SEDBUSK:" "What about me, dear?" "Could I murder anyone?" "ISOBEL:" "You couldn't hurt a fly, Bertram." "Unless it was already dead." "What about Mrs. Aysgarth?" "She has a strange glint in her eye." "I'm afraid not." "Lina hasn't the nerve any more than I have." "As for you, you silly thing." "Look at the expression on his face." "Trying to look mysterious, are you?" "Ah, you can't fool me." "You couldn't commit a murder if you tried for 100 years." "No, I don't believe I could." "Johnnie, you're locking up." "What about Ethel?" "It's Ethel's day off." "She won't be back until morning." "What about Cook?" "What's the matter, dear?" "Have you forgotten?" "Cook's away on a holiday." "(SHUDDERS)" "Darling, you're shivering again." "Do you suppose you're catching cold?" "Yes." "I think that's what it must be." "We have to tuck you into bed." "Get you nice and warm." " Take off your coat." " No, Johnnie." "Please don't." "This reminds me of the day we first met on the top of the hill." "When you wouldn't let me unbutton the top button of your blouse." "Do you remember?" "I shall never forget it." "Get undressed, old girl." "What are you waiting for?" "Johnnie, I'm in a state tonight." "I don't know why." "I'd like to be alone." "Would you mind sleeping in your dressing room?" "Of course I'd mind." "Please, Johnnie." "I haven't been sleeping very well lately." "I understand." "You used to sleep badly when I wasn't here, and now you..." "All right, if that's the way you feel about it." "Good night." "Feeling better?" "Yes, thank you." " Hello, Isobel." " How are you, my dear?" "All right." "I've been asleep all day, haven't I?" "Isobel's brother gave you a sleeping pill this morning." "Your nerves seemed to be all upset." "We were quite worried about you." "ISOBEL:" "Cheer up." "Bertram had a good look at you." "Although he doesn't usually attend living people," "I must say he's a very able doctor." "He says all you needed was a little sleep." "I'll run down and tell Ethel to fix something for your supper." "He's one in a million, that Johnnie of yours." "Isn't he?" "Do you mind if I smoke?" "Have you been here all afternoon?" "Naturally." "Ever since Johnnie phoned." "I warn you." "You'd better get well." "If you leave me alone much longer with this husband of yours my career will soon be over." " He flirted with you, I suppose." " Flirted?" "Worse than that." "He's worming all my secrets out of me." "I suspect him of writing a detective story on the side." "What secrets?" "He's always pestering me." "I always swear I won't tell him and I always do." "Did you tell him anything today?" "Did I?" "Bertram was furious." "Said he'd never confide in me again." "But honestly, have you ever been able to deny Johnnie anything?" "Never." "It was about that poison, wasn't it?" "Don't remind me of it." "I'm ashamed, and mortified, and disgraced." "I'm just a fool, that's all." "If he writes a story on that one before I do..." "I suppose I'll deserve it." "Imagine." "A substance in daily use everywhere." "Anyone can lay his hands on it." "And within a minute after taking, the victim's beautifully out of the way." "Mind you, it's undetectable after death." "Is whatever it is painful?" "Not in the least." "In fact, I should think it would be a most pleasant death." "Good night, Lina." "JOHNNIE:" "You're still annoyed with me, aren't you?" "No, Johnnie, really." "I still don't feel well, that's all." "A few days at your mother's house will do more good than staying at home." "It's not exactly that." "Don't you understand?" "Mother telephoned me and..." "She got on that telephone awfully early, it seems to me." "Mother gets up early, and she's lonely down there." "I happened to mention I was a bit nervy and before I knew it I'd agreed to spend a few days with her." "All right." "I'll run down and get the car ready." " Oh, no." "I'll drive myself." " I prefer to drive you." "(TIRES SCREECH)" "I think I'll take the short cut." "LINA:" "Johnnie!" "(SCREAMING)" "Johnnie!" "(LINA SCREAMING)" "Lina, what's got into you?" "Lina!" "Stop it, you little fool!" "I've had enough!" "How much do you think a man can bear?" "Listen to me!" "You throw me out of your room, you go running off to your mother's and now you're shrinking away from me as though you hated me." "You're my wife, Lina." "You almost killed us both back there." "You had to pull away, even when I was reaching over to save you from falling out of the car." "You don't have to put up with me anymore." "Johnnie, where are you going?" " First, I'm taking you to your mother's." " And then what?" "Don't worry." "I won't bother you again." "Johnnie, you mean you're going to..." "Why were you asking Isobel those questions about the poison?" "What were you planning to do with it?" "Johnnie, you were going to kill yourself." "My darling." "Yes, but I saw that was a cheap way out." "I'm going to see it through, prison term and everything." "Prison?" "You mean Melbeck, that money you took?" "I can't pay it back." "I made the last attempt to raise the money when I went away with Beaky." " Paris?" " I went to Liverpool." "I tried to borrow on your insurance, but it didn't work." "You were in Liverpool when Beaky..." "Then you didn't go to Paris." "Of course not." "You think I'd have let some idiot give poor old Beaky that brandy if I had?" "Johnnie, if I'd only known." "This is as much my fault as yours." "I was only thinking of myself, not what you were going through." "If I'd been really close to you, you could've confided in me, but you were afraid to." "You were ashamed to come to me." "Oh, if I'd only understood." "Oh, Johnnie." "But it will be different now." "We'll make it different." "People don't change overnight, Lina." "I'm no good." "Let's turn back." "Let's go home and see it all through together." "No." "It won't work." "I'm driving you on to your mother's." "It will work." "I know it will, Johnnie, please." "This isn't your problem, Lina." "But it is." "You can't shut me out." "Turn the car around and let's go home." "Please, Johnnie." "Please." "No, Lina." "No." "My darling." "(ENGINE STARTS)"