"Jeff:" "Last night, our tournament kicked off with the good..." "I looked her up on the Internet and Google said "Me, either."" "[ Laughs ]" "Why does the magician have a clipboard?" "[ Laughter ] ...the bad..." "You " " Oh, fuck." "Whoa!" "This was fucking depressing, you guys." "...the ugly...." "Let me cum in your mouth so something funny comes out of it." "God damn." "Shit." "Jeff:" "...and the uglier." "The only thing that burns worse than her pussy is the cross she left in my yard." "I love that you think you know what a pussy looks like." "[ Laughter ]" "In the end, four comics survived." "Brian:" "Right now!" "Hug each other!" "Jeff:" "But tonight, the first round continues with our guest judges Anthony Jeselnik and Whoopi Goldberg." "Eight new comics, four new battles to move one step closer to becoming champion." "This is "Roast Battle."" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hello, everybody!" "Sit down." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "This is it, everybody." "We did it." "Night two." "We're in Montreal." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Look at this place." "It's like a joke Thunderdome." "This is like the UFC if UFC stood for "Ugly Fucking Comedians."" "[ The Wave chanting "Dana White" ]" "[ Laughs ]" "We're on TV all over the world right now, but Drake -- I know he's from Canada." "I know you're home right now, so make my hotline bling." "I'll get you a seat at the finals next to Sarah Silverman." "We know you love her, so..." "She's gonna be here on Sunday with Judd Apatow judging the live finals." "But tonight, we have eight new roasters going mike to mike, verbal combat." "I'm proud to introduce tonight's judges." "My two favorite ladies from "The View,"" "Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "I'm kidding, Anthony." "I'm kidding, buddy." "You look great." "Anthony Jeselnik." "Great to see you back in the roast world." "We roasted Donald Trump, and look what happened, man." "I know." "The guy's a phoenix rising from the flames." "A phoenix?" "He's more like United 93 from the flames." "[ Audience ohs ] 9/11 jokes kill in Canada." "[ Laughter ]" "Whoopi Goldberg, welcome to Montreal." "Thank you." "[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you." "So cool." "[ Cheering continues ]" "I don't know if you know this." "Whoopi's one of the few people who's won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and a Tony." "Pretty cool." "[ Air horn honks ]" "Pretty cool." "Thank you." "[ Laughs ]" "Whoopi, I think you're gonna love this show because unlike "The View," we take turns talking here." "[ Audience groans ]" "That's the best you got?" "Yeah." "We're just getting warmed up." "Right, Anthony?" "Yeah, that's right, Stone Cold Steve Austin Creamery." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Laughter ]" "All right." "Anyway, it's time to meet our referee, and here he is." "Keep it going for my friend, Brian motherfucking Moses." "♪♪" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Hey!" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "Wave." "Everybody." "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ Chanting continues ]" "Our first roaster has a record of three wins, two losses." "He lost in the finals to Jimmy Carr at last year's Roastmasters Invitational." "Now he's returned to Montreal to avenge his honor." "From Houston, Texas, Matthew Broussard." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Surf music plays ]" "[ Laughs ]" "[ Person wolf-whistles ]" "Matthew." "Wow." "You are the epitome of white privilege." "[ Chuckles ] Jesus." "His opponent has won battles in Los Angeles and New York." "He was just nominated for two Emmys in the categories of "Sweatiest Writer"" "and "Gayest Caveman."" "From NYC, Mike Lawrence!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "Yes." "[ Laughs ]" "This is like prep school versus the school shooter." "This is so much fun." "[ Laughter ]" "What up, Wave?" "Together:" "Whoa!" "Love y'all." "Jeff, what do you think about this?" "I'm psyched about this one, Moses." "It's like -- You know what?" "If you don't know a lot about roast battling, these are two experts right here." "Matthew almost won this contest last year." "Mike Lawrence writes for "Inside Amy Schumer."" "He gets residuals for being the third guy from the left on the evolutionary chart." "Let's get to the rules." "Three rules in "Roast Battle."" "First rule -- nothing's off-limits except for physical contact." "Second rule -- original material only." "Third rule -- at the end of every battle, we hug each other!" "[ Audience groans ]" "Whatever!" "One round, four jokes, tit for tat." "Means we're trading jokes back and forth." "Who wants to go first?" "I'll go first." "[ Laughing ] All right." "Matthew, Mike." "Who's ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Mike." "You look like if the Burger King had a genius bar." "[ Laughter and applause ]" "Matt, Ilookcreepy." "Youarecreepy, Mannequin Skywalker." "People look at me and think "homeless person."" "They look at you and think "date rapist who leaves every victim with an autographed headshot."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Air horn honks ]" "Here's the thing, Mike." "I look like a date rapist." "You look like just a regular rapist." "I look like I peaked in high school." "You look like you peek in high schools." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Alarm blaring ]" "[ Air horn blows ]" "Matt, you Goldman Sach of shit." "Matt's comforted by the fact that Whoopi's here, since she looks like every nanny that raised him." "[ Audience ohs ]" "Uh-oh." "Shots fired." "[ Air horn blows ]" "I've never met Whoopi, but fun fact " "Anthony and I used to be on the same Hitler youth lacrosse team." "So we go way back." "Nepotism." "Mike." "Your skin is terrible." "You have a bigger grease problem than the European Union." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gun cocks ]" "[ Gunshot ]" "That was a good one, Hack Efron." "[ Air horn honks ]" "You know, Matt's actually Jewish." "But based on all the auditions he's failed to get, you wouldn't consider him one of the chosen people." "Brian:" "Last joke." "Mike, your teeth are absolutely disgusting." "Your teeth are so crooked that Donald Trump is campaigning against them." "Like, fun fact " "The elevator scene from "The Shining"" "was actually based on the last time he tried to floss." "[ Scattered laughter ]" "Niche?" "Great filibuster." "Matt's so self-absorbed that when his dad told him he got Parkinson's, his first question was "Who books that?"" "My dad may have Parkinson's but " "[ Bell dings ] Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Save that heat." "God damn it." "That's the round." "Keep it going." "Matthew Broussard, Mike Lawrence." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Fuck." "That's a hot first battle, Jeffrey." "Fuck." "Close, Moses." "Close." "Yeah, baby." "Great battle." "I love you guys." "I'm not gonna vote." "I want to hear what -- Let's see what Anthony " "He looks like he's ready." "I feel like you guys look like before-and-after pictures of the apocalypse." "[ Laughter ]" "I thought you guys were both great." "Like, those were all great jokes." "This is a great start to the show." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Great start to the show." "I know how hard that is because I saw last night's show, as well." "I'm gonna say " "As a tiebreaker, 'cause it was so close..." "I would say I've got to give it to Matthew because this is a TV show." "But if this was -- Matthew: [ Laughs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Projectile whistling, explosion ]" "But if this was radio, you would be killing it, Mike." "So..." "But congratulations to both of you, but more accurately, just you, Matt." "Um, thank you, Matthew's doppelganger." "Go ahead, Whoopi." "Um..." "[ Laughter ]" "You both were very funny." "Uh..." "You kind of made me laugh." "Mike." "You made me laugh." "You're cute, but you fucking made me laugh." "[ Laughter ]" "Thanks." "You made me laugh, also, but I think I peed when I laughed with you." "[ Laughs ]" "So I'm gonna go with Mike." "Mike." "Brian:" "Split decision." "Tied up, Jeff." "Break this tie." "You know, that was really, really close." "I scored it 4 to 3 for Mike Lawrence." "Congratulations, man." "Thank you." "Wow!" "[ Air horn honks ]" "Great job." "For the first time in history, Beast beats Beauty!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Hug each other!" "Hug each other!" "Outstanding." "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "Olivia:" "Last night, I came and I slipped on the stage and I cut my leg open like someone hit me with a machete." "Now I'm the giant monster roasting the crippled child." "Olivia:" "I came here, I'm like, "I want to win!"" "And winning would still be like, really cool." "But now I'm just like, "Oh, man." "I'm just glad I'm not dead."" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "♪♪" "You ready for the next battle?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Shit." "At 20 years old, she's our youngest battler." "At 8-2, she's one of our best battlers." "But last night, her roast battle dreams almost disappeared 'cause she was trying to twerk onstage." "Then she tripped and cut herself." "She had 35 stitches, was rushed to the hospital." "But she's here now." "[ Laughs ]" "So, folks, give it up for Orange County's own Olivia Grace!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "Aww." "[ Laughs ]" "Her opponent is from Toronto, making him the only Canadian in this tournament." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah!" "He's part yeti, he's part poutine." "He's all Canadian." "Folks, make it very loud for Letterkenny," "K. Trevor Wilson." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "Man." "[ Laughs ]" "This is awesome." "It's like the Olympics are next week, but the Special Olympics are happening right now." "K. Trevor Wilson is one of the funniest comedians in Canada." "Olivia is 20 years old." "She has to sneak into The Comedy Store in order to do these roast battles." "This is gonna be one of the funniest, weirdest matchups." "This looks like "Rape Your Daughter at Work" Day." "[ Laughter ]" "Jesus." "Who wants to go first?" "Ladies first." "All right." "All right." "You're a gentleman." "I just want my codeine." "Canada, U.S.A." "Are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "K. Trevor has one "K" in front of his name because he's the size of 1,000 Trevors." "[ Explosion ]" "I'm just impressed Olivia's here." "Olivia needed 35 stitches to close up her gash yesterday and another 20 to fix the hole in her leg." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Explosions ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Air horn honks ]" "You look like you cum into a spittoon." "From across the room." "[ Audience ohs ]" "Olivia actually told me that when she got the cut in her leg that it looked like a vagina filled with oatmeal." "Which is really gross when you consider her vagina looks like a leather wallet filled with back bacon." "[ Audience groans ]" "[ Explosions ]" "Those are really good jokes about pussy for a guy who never sees them." "[ Projectile whistling ]" "[ Explosion ]" "[ Gun cocks, gunshots ]" "[ Laughter ]" "Speaking of pussy," "K. Trevor can't afford to buy any of you ladies diamonds, but if you let him climb on top of you, he will slowly turn you into one." "[ Projectile whistling ]" "[ Explosion ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gunfire ]" "Olivia, you're a fucking train wreck." "You're 20 years old." "You've been arrested for drunk driving." "Your ex-boyfriend is 47." "Your parents must just swell with pride when they tell their friends you died in a house fire." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Alarm blares ]" "[ Siren walls ]" "Brian:" "Last joke." "Jeff:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ All chanting "battle" ]" "Come on, Olivia." "Get him." "All right, all right, all right, all right." "Uh..." "[ Clears throat ]" "[ Chuckles ]" "K. Trevor has a small dick." "In fact, the only thing well-hung about him is how they're gonna find his body." "[ Audience groans ]" "Olivia, you've had so many old comics in you, your pussy's called The Friars Club." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Keep it going!" "[ Bell dings ] K. Trevor Wilson, Olivia Grace." "[ Air horn honks ]" "♪♪" "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ All chanting "battle" ]" "Yes!" "When we talk about verbal violence, that's what we're talking about." "Jeff:" "That was a great battle." "Be interested to hear what Whoopi has to say." "[ Laughs ]" "Girl..." "You are high as a kite." "Honestly, I haven't taken any pain pills." "The shit is funny." "The shit is funny." "But I have to say, Trevor " "[ Laughing ] The last one put me over the edge." "The last one got me." "The parents and the house fire?" "I'm sorry." "I was laughing." "I peed a little." "I peed a little." "Whoopi, are you incontinent?" "Huh?" "Yeah." "I'm old." "What the fuck?" "Yeah, so I have to say, I got to give it to K." "I love you." "K." "Trevor." "I love you, Olivia, but I have to give it to K." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Canada's up one." "I also want to say " "But I want to see you when you're up and well." "Thanks." "Yes. 'Cause I know " "You brought yourself out here." "I'm proud as hell of you 'cause you're funny as fuck." "Yeah, sympathy!" "No sympathy, baby." "You're funny." "That means a lot." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Yeah." "You're funny." "I mean, clumsy, but funny." "That " " Honestly, Olivia, that's the hardest I've laughed at someone in a wheelchair since the last person I saw in a wheelchair." "[ Laughter ]" "That was " "[ The Wave chanting "Jeselnik" ]" "That was really great." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Yes." "I do this for real." "Um..." "[ Laughter ]" "You guys were both great." "Again." "This is like a coin flip, same as last one." "You guys were both great." "I would be happy watching either one of you walk out, but I got to say, I agree with Whoopi on more than our wardrobe." "That house fire joke was a game changer." "Congratulations, K. Trevor." "That was amazing." "But Olivia, you were fantastic." "Wow." "Both of you were great." "Both of you were great." "He's one of Canada's best." "Go ahead, Jeff." "[ Clears throat ]" "Olivia, you know, you are 20 years old." "This is just the start for you." "You realize that." "You've been swinging for how many " " Like, what?" "How long you been doing stand-up?" "Five years." "Five years." "How did that even happen?" "I started sneaking out of the house and hanging out with 35-year-old men to do comedy." "Too much." "Too much, Olivia." "All right." "You hear that, ladies?" "If you want to get into comedy..." "[ Laughter ]" "This looks like a girl who needs stitches in her leg versus a guy who needs staples in his stomach." "[ Laughter ]" "I love the way your tits bounce up and down when you laugh." "Both of you." "K. Trevor, you know what?" "That Friars Club joke was one of the best jokes I've heard in a long time." "That was hilarious." "Congratulations, buddy." "You win." "Folks, winner and your country's own, K. Trevor Wilson!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "♪ O, Canada" "♪ Our home and native land" "That's all I know!" "[ Gong rings ]" "Hyah!" "I got to research Tony." "I don't know anything about him." "Tony:" "He's a New York guy, and I'm an L.A. guy." "And I'm good and he sucks, so we're like totally different." "We don't know anything about each other." "Hyah!" "Also, why are we in a warehouse?" "What does that have to do with roasting?" "That's true." "It's falling apart." "I'm in Jeff Ross' apartment." "Hyah!" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "Let's recap what we've seen so far." "In our first battle of the night, we had Mike Lawrence destroy Matthew Broussard." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And he'll move on tomorrow to the quarterfinals." "Also, K. Trevor Wilson just beat Olivia Grace." "Who's ready to see the next battle?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hey!" "This guy's undefeated in roast battles." "He's an awesome comedian." "He's been on "Inside Amy Schumer."" "From New Orleans -- but wasn't affected by Hurricane Katrina because he's white -- everybody..." "[ Laughter ] ...welcome Mark Normand." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ "When the Saints Go Marching In" plays ]" "Hey, hey." "Yes." "It's great to be here in Whoopi's vagina." "[ Audience groans ]" "Last time you were here, I believe I expelled you." "Oh!" "[ Gun cocks, gunshots ]" "Facing Mark is a roaster who's 2-2." "He's the host of a very successful podcast and an unsuccessful Netflix special." "[ Audience ohs ]" "But most shocking of all, he's not gay." "Folks, make it loud for Youngstown's own" "Tony "The Golden Pony" Hinchcliffe." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Hip-hop music plays ]" "Whoo!" "What kind of intro is that, Moses?" "You make fun of my Netflix special, but you don't make fun of his Hulu act." "Hello, everybody." "Hi." "All right, it's gonna be an easy one." "This is great." "Yeah." "Sure." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Break it up, you two." "Save it, all right?" "This battle looks like it started over a tetherball fight." "Oh!" "That's true." "It did." "Jeff:" "This is gonna be vicious." "These guys, I think, genuinely have, like, sort of disdain for each other." "I don't know him." "You don't know him?" "No one does." "No one knows Mark." "[ Laughter ]" "Nobody at all." "Yo, let's just " "I'm not on Grindr, so..." "Oh, wow." "There you go." "All right." "All right, all right, all right." "Who wants to go first?" "Ladies first." "Well, uh, Mark's an opener, and he always will be." "Jeff, who's going first?" "Who's going first, Jeff?" "You ready, Mark?" "Sure." "Sure." "All right, have fun, guys." "All right." "Let's do this." "Tony, Mark." "Are we ready?" "!" "Yeah." "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "All right." "Tony, you rat-faced twink." "[ Laughter ]" "Tony's a hard worker." "You know, he's always running around begging for spots at the comedy clubs, and during the day, he's begging for pills at the Dallas Buyers Club." "Yeah." "All right." "Mark, you look like you run an all-poodle dog-fighting ring." "A few weeks ago, Mark admitted to coming down with a case of chlamydia." "In 10 years of doing stand-up, it's the first time he's gotten a clap." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah, it, uh, did burn when I peed." "I wish you would written for that burn." "It would have gotten cancelled." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "You guys remember that show, right?" "Do you remember that show?" "Mark -- [ Laughs ]" "Mark is from New Orleans." "He was there during Katrina." "You can tell because his jokes are watered down and he floats by on Amy Schumer's back." "[ Chuckles ]" "Ah." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ "When the Saints Go Marching In" plays ]" "What the fuck was that?" "Wow." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Wow." "Uh, come on, Tony." "You're such an ass-kisser, if Schumer was here right now, you'd go down on her immediately." "And you hate pussy!" "Yeah." "That's a good one." "Yeah." "Mark, uh, I was expecting you to call me a scallywag or a no-good do-nothing." "Your delivery is so old, it still uses checkbooks at the grocery store." "Brian:" "Last joke." "All right." "Uh, yeah, Tony's Netflix special was pretty brutal." "It's the lowest-rated Netflix comedy special." "[ Laughs ]" "Oh, boy." "Pretty bad." "The Jewish flag has more stars than that thing." "Yeah." "That's, uh " "Right after I watched it, it said, "If you like this bomb, you'll love this Nagasaki documentary."" "[ Projectile whistles ]" "[ Explosion ] That's a good one." "That's a good one." "Coach Tea!" "That is a good one." "Mark, thanks for reminding everybody that I have a Netflix special." "I'm very proud of it." "It's actually got 4 1/2 stars." "Speaking of 4 1/2 stars," "Mark's a really good Uber driver." "[ Laughter ]" "All right." "[ Bell dings ] It's okay." "Sure." "Keep it going." "Golden Pony, Mark Normand." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Uh, this is a tough one for me." "I know both of you guys, I like one of you." "[ Laughter ]" "And I -- I agree." "You both had your moments." "You both had moments of greatness, moments of weakness, I felt like." "Like you were coasting a little bit, each of you." "It's 50-50 for me." "It's a coin flip again." "And most of these have been coin flips for me." "Let's do a sudden -- Don't " "Yeah, go ahead." "Don't say another fucking word." "[ Laughter ]" "It's all you, baby." "Unless you got a coin, you shut the fuck up." "It's so much fun to see white boys fight." "It's so rare!" "Notice nobody died." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Glass shatters ]" "Brian:" "Topical." "I'm gonna " "This is verbal violence." "I'm gonna say it in the nicest way that I can because it really is so close." "I feel like the jokes were good, good to great." "Tony, you seem more like a pro." "You seem like an amateur doing his best, which is great, but not really." "I'm giving it to Tony." "Brian:" "Okay." "Okay." "But it was close." "[ Scattered booing ]" "What are you booing?" "Fuck you." "What do you think, Whoop?" "Well, you know what " "You know what, I guess I understand." "Because as you said, they were both great." "And you both had those lags." "And I was -- I thought I had you." "But the last joke got me." "But I have to say that you, even though " "You didn't lag as much." "I guess that's the thing." "You had two lags." "He had one." "Do you understand what I mean?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "So you're voting for Mark." "I'm sorry." "Yes." "All white guys look alike." "To Demi Lovato, right there." "Him." "Yes." "With the blue jacket, blue thing." "Mark." "Mark." "Sorry." "Mark Normand." "[ Laughs ]" "They meld together." "[ Audience chanting "One more joke" ]" "Except that I think -- I think he's right." "You're right." "They got to do a " "They have to do an off." "[ Chanting continues ]" "All right, I feel like " "All right, I think we should go one Sudden Death joke." "Yes!" "Okay." "Overtime!" "This is overtime." "It's a one-joke Sudden Death." "Jeff, who's going first?" "Mark Normand." "Go ahead, buddy." "Again?" "Damn it, Jeff." "Yeah." "All right, are we ready for this?" "Joke-off!" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "All right." "I actually heard Tony hit his ex-girlfriend a few times." "Yeah." "No charges were brought up 'cause honestly, it's a fair fight." "[ Applause ]" "That is -- That is a bold accusation." "I have never hit a girl, however," "I am about to beat a pussy right now." "[ Audience ohs ] [ Glass breaks ]" "[ Dramatic organ music plays ]" "Well, you know " "That's -- That's one joke each." "That was amazing." "Sorry." "[ Bell dings ] Keep it going." "Jeff:" "Give it up for these guys." "Mark Normand and The Wave." "Together:" "Whoa!" "Milk does a body good." "Jeff:" "You want to say something, Anthony?" "Again, you guys were both so good." "It's like you're just barely different shades of plaid." "[ Laughter ]" "So funny." "So funny." "Observational." "And I've actually " "Mark, I've actually seen Tony hit his girlfriend." "So I know what you mean." "But the fact that Tony came back at it off the cuff... congratulations, Tony." "Had to go first." "You're welcome, Tony." "Okay?" "Great comeback." "And I thought that shit was funny." "You're welcome." "Thank you, Whoopi." "This floor looks like Tony's back." "Oh, hey." "[ Laughing ] Oh!" "Tony:" "Very good." "Very good." "Eh." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you." "This was one of the best battles that we've had in the last couple days." "I'll say that, for sure." "Mark Normand, you're fucking hilarious, dude." "I think you're gonna be one of the biggest comics in the country." "I really do." "It's true." "And I'll just put it out there." "For whatever it is, you might be my favorite comic that's working today." "I love your shit, dude." "Wow." "Geez." "Thanks." "All right." "Tony, you look like a boy scout who sells girl scout cookies." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I love you to death." "Your Uber joke was my favorite joke of the battle." "And by a hair, I'm gonna give this to Tony Hinchcliffe." "Thank you very much." "Brian:" "Folks, advancing to tomorrow, make it loud for Tony Hinchcliffe." "[ Cheers and applause ] Great work." "♪♪" "Are we having fun?" "Ralphie:" "I got really high and thought about it." "If I hated her, what would I say?" "I just think of him as my first baby daddy, and he's gonna get it." "All them platinum albums and all them Netflix specials ain't gonna mean dick in the arena." "Ms. Pat:" "This is gonna be a nice-ass heavyweight championship." "Somebody gonna come out without a titty." "[ Both laugh ]" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "♪♪" "Montreal!" "You're awesome tonight!" "So dope." "It's time for the last battle of the night." "Who's ready?" "!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "It's also the last battle of the first round." "Our next battler to come to the stage is a former drug dealer." "She's been shot twice, and she had two kids by the time she was 15." "Folks, make it loud for Chicago's Ms. Pat." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Her opponent is one of the biggest names in comedy." "He has six specials under his belt." "He sells out theaters all across the country." "Weighing in at -- Oh, my God!" "Here he is, the barely living legend, Ralphie May." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Oh, yeah." "Aah!" "[ Shouts indistinctly ]" "Jeff:" "Wow." "[ Laughs ]" "Moses, the winner gets Olivia Grace's wheelchair." "[ Audience groans ]" "[ Laughter ]" "This is gonna be the best." "This is so fun." "Ralphie, Ms. Pat, who wants to go first?" "Let him go first." "Okay." "You're a gentleman." "All right." "All right." "Yeah." "Last battle of the evening." "Who's ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Ms. Pat, you look like Aunt Jemima ate Precious." "Y'all, Ralphie is getting a divorce, but I heard that his only concern is his wife taking half the pantry." "Ms. Pat's pussy's so fat, it's got pleats, and it's like a coal mine in Chile." "There's 70 people at the bottom of it thinking they're gonna die." "Y'all, give it up for Ralphie May in this bitch, looking like six Amy Schumers." "Ms. Pat fell into a gorilla enclosure, and the gorilla shot himself." "[ Explosions ]" "Jeff:" "Have some fun with him, Ms. Pat." "Look at him." "Have some fun with him." "One thing I can say, y'all." "Ralphie a good guy." "If you can walk a mile in Ralphie's shoes, you will be the fucking first one to ever walk a mile in Ralphie's shoes." "Brian:" "Last joke." "[ Scattered laughter ]" "Come on, bitch." "Hold on." "I'm waiting on these fuckers to finish their bullshit, not-funny " "Get the fuck out of here." "[ Laughter ]" "Hold on." "You know you wanted that cookie." "Hold on." "Hold on, God damn it." "You know you wanted that cookie, bitch." "You knew it was a cookie before I did, bitch, okay?" "I don't give a fuck." "Let's share it then, motherfucker." "Shut the fuck up." "You shut the fuck up." "Vroom!" "There go you some meat." "Stop." "Stop." "Fuck you." "[ Chuckles ] Fatass." "Great retort." "Great retort." "Yes." "Ms. Pat, you're so ugly, you're too ugly to rape." "Bill Cosby saw you and took the quaaludes himself." "[ Audience ohs ]" "Y'all, believe it or not, Ralphie got two kids." "I know it's hard to believe, right?" "His daughter name is April, June, and May because that's how long it took his wife to find his dick." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Bell dings ]" "Whoo!" "[ Air horn honks ] Oh!" "Ralphie!" "Ms. Pat!" "Keep it going!" "That's it." "That was funny." "Yeah. [ Laughs ]" "Man, you guys okay?" "Are you warmed up now?" "Yes." "Yeah." "That's so fun." "I felt like you were letting off some steam." "I love the fact that we're here with Whoopi Goldberg because your pussy's the color purple, too." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Siren walls ] Okay." "I know you're gonna hit me." "Don't hit me." "I'm glad we're doing this for a trophy and not a championship belt." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Anthony, what are you feeling on this?" "Again, man." "This has been such a great show, and not only because I'm here." "You guys are both fantastic." "I saw on the thing." "They introduced you." "You had two kids before you were 15." "I normally don't tolerate that kind of laziness, but you were " "You were great tonight." "Thank you." "You were fantastic." "And you had to be to try to beat Ralphie." "Ralphie, you're the biggest name is this competition." "You have got the weight of the world on your feet." "I feel like " "[ Laughter ]" "I feel like it's -- Again, it's a coin toss for me, and I'm gonna have to go with the best joke I heard between you two, and that was the gorilla enclosure." "That was unreal." "Ralphie, you got my vote." "Thank you, Anthony." "I appreciate it, baby." "[ Gunshot ]" "I know I shook her earlier." "Well, I don't think she knew I was gonna be here." "Yeah." "So I went to hug her, and she got verklempt." "And so I think she's nervous." "I thought I had a fucking ego." "Jesus Christ." "[ Laughter ] Yeah." "Oscar winner!" "Oscar winner!" "And when you get all the shit I got, you'll get an ego, baby." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Glass shatters ]" "All right." "Oh, shit." "Jeff:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Whoopi:" "And so, I will say " "Michael Vick joke?" "That this " " You have some amazing, amazing stuff." "You know I'm a huge fan of yours, as I am of you, Ralphie." "I've known you forever, as well." "So I'm gonna tell you -- I've seen you hotter, and so I'm gonna give it to Ralphie, but I'm gonna tell you -- You are one of those women, when you hit it, there's nobody like you." "There's nobody like you." "I got it." "Ralphie, you're just lucky I didn't hug you before the show." "[ Laughs ]" "And I'll tell you again, when you got the shit that I got, he will be nervous around you." "It will happen." "I promise, baby." "What shit is that?" "A bunch of shit in the '80s?" "Oh, yeah." "Ralphie:" "Hey." "Whoopi!" "[ Gunshots ]" "Oh, shit." "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ Siren walls ] Battle!" "Battle!" "Here we go." "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ Alarm ringing ]" "Now, that " " We will look back and say that's maybe 30 years." "What you got to show?" "'Cause, baby, I got an Oscar and all that shit." "What you got for me?" "You know what I have that you don't?" "What, a dick?" "Shampoo." "[ Laughter ]" "That's the best you got?" "God damn it." "Come here." "Brian:" "Aww." "Ralphie:" "Smart." "Give it up for the law firm of Goldberg and Jeselnik, everybody." "[ Applause ]" "Oh. [ Laughs ]" "Two votes for Ralphie." "Ms. Pat, I appreciate you so much and how hard you worked on this, Ms. Pat." "I have a lot of respect for you, but I think, hands down," "Ralphie May's our champion tonight." "Congratulations." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Keep it going." "Ralphie May, everybody!" "Thank you, everybody!" "Hug each other." "Ms. Pat." "Hug each other if you can get your arms around each other." "Come here, baby." "[ Laughter ]" "Shit." "About to make new babies." "All right." "First round is complete!" "Stick around." "When we come back, I'm gonna drop some knowledge." "I'll let you know who's in the quarterfinals tomorrow." "We got some dope judges." "It's gonna be awesome." "Folks, this is "Roast Battle." Keep it going!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "Yeah!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yo." "This is more insane than I ever thought I'd see tonight." "This was "Roast Battle!"" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Let's review what happened tonight." "We just saw Ralphie May beat Ms. Pat." "So tomorrow night in the quarterfinals, he faces Mike Lawrence." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And earlier, we saw Tony The Golden Pony, beat Mark Normand." "So that means he's facing K. Trevor Wilson tomorrow in the quarterfinals, also." "Joining them, Jimmy Carr versus Earl Skakel." "Plus, Sarah Tiana versus Sam Morril." "It all goes down tomorrow night." "I can't even tell you how pumped I am for this, man." "Check out behind-the-scenes footage, all the clips." "Jeff, what'd you think about tonight?" "I thought it was fucking great." "I love how everybody worked really hard on their material." "That means a lot to me, personally." "I love the art of the roast joke so much." "So give it up one more time to everybody you saw." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Whoopi, who was your favorite tonight?" "Aww, thank you, Whoopi." "You were my favorite tonight." "Thank you, Whoopi." "There you go." "Thank you." "Anthony, did you have fun?" "I had a great time." "Way more fun than I ever would have " "If you had told me" "I'd be working with Whoopi Goldberg one day," "I would have been like, "I hope Jeff Ross isn't there,"" "but you were, and it was still great." "It was still great." "This was so much fun." "I can't believe you're involved." "[ Laughter and applause ]" "Whoopi, did you see Jeremiah's sign?" "Did you see his sign?" "[ Audience chanting "Do it" ]" "Brian:" "Aww, do it!" "Go get him." "Boy, if you don't take that sign back over there," "I'm gonna beat you with it." "Brian:" "Now, tomorrow night, all of the winners from our opening round are back tomorrow on this stage right here in the quarter finals." "Our guest judges are" "Jimmy Kimmel from "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And Canada's own Seth Rogen!" "If there was ever a reason to stay up on Saturday night and stay at home, it's to watch the roast battle." "We'll see you tomorrow night." "Same battle time, same battle channel." "Moses!" "Montreal, get stupid!" "All right." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Laughs ]" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"