"LAWRENCE:" "Good morning." "Because it's important that we all get to know one another, I would like you to wear these." "I've taken two other courses from you." "This year." "And you still don't know what my name is, do you?" "I most certainly do." "What is it?" "Look, Miss Chin..." "You just looked." "LAWRENCE:" "The Price of Postmodernism:" "Epistemology and the Literary Canon." "I've never had to wait this long for a response from a publisher." "WOMAN:" "He said it's unpublishable." "He said that?" "Yes." "Leave a message to call me." "Although we may think him a curmudgeon and see his Key to All Mythologies as a monument to pedantry, she sees him as the embodiment of virtue." "For next time, read Maud." "All of it." "(LAUGHTER)" "(PEOPLE chattering)" "What are you doing?" "There was a paper jam in the Xerox machine." "Aren't you happy to see your brother, Lawrence?" "Adopted brother." "How's the kitchen knife sales?" "Or was it aluminum siding?" "How's that going?" "Calling cards. lt's my new line." "It's all kinds of great deals, domestic and foreign." "We just added the tiny island nation of Haiti. it's a gold mine." "I'm glad to see that you're doing meaningful work." "Lawrence, listen." "I wanted to ask a favor." "But it's..." "Not again, please." "I believe that I loaned you $1 ,200 the last time that you showed up, two years ago." "And before that it was another $600 ." "And I'm going to..." "I'm going to help you bloom." "Whatever it is that you're asking, the answer is no." "I love you." "(knocking AT DOOR)" "Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but do you have a moment to discuss the character of Casaubon?" "Do you think that Eliot..." "My office hours are over." "The sign says they're till 5:00." "Okay, but my watch says it's 4:53." "That is official university time." "My watch, it's actually..." "It gets information by satellite, and it's accurate to one millionth of a second." "Take it up with maintenance." "Their offices are across the campus, behind the stadium." "Of course, they close at 5:00 ." "Good luck to you." "(ROCK music playing)" "Good evening." "Hey, Dad." "We need to discuss something." "What is Gibraltar's?" "I've underlined over $300 worth of items you charged there last month." "It's an art bookstore." "I'm taking art history and the books are expensive." "l didn't know you wrote poetry." "Well, there's a lot you don't know." "Shit!" "I need my car." "Well, I'm going to need to see your receipt from campus security." "Davidson will take care of it on Monday." "I have an arrangement with him." "I can't give you your car without a receipt." "I said Davidson will take care of it." "You don't even remember me, do you?" "I took your Victorian poetry class last spring." "Yes?" "You gave me a D." "Yes, I remember." "Ben Onufrey." "Ben Onufrey." "No receipt, no vehicle." "I can see that you take your job very seriously." "So how about that I offer you" "$20 for your trouble?" "According to rule 1 7-B in the Oarnegie Mellon University Traffic Oitation Manual..." "Listen, you litigious little shit, I need my briefoase." "Now stop your babbling, open up that gate and let me in." "The only way you'll get in there is if you pay the fine and bring me the receipt." "At which point, this "litigious little shit" ..." "(YELPS)" "Hey!" "Maybe you should spend less time memorizing parking manuals and more time being alert!" "JANET:" "Mr. Wetherhold, I need you to wake up." "Mr. Wetherhold, I need you to wake up." "I was just resting my eyes." "Have you suffered seizures before?" "Before what?" "Before tonight." "You suffered a trauma-induced seizure earlier this evening." "Do you know what day of the week it is?" "Yes." "Well?" "Well, what?" "Are you always this contentious, or is this the result of the head trauma?" "I prefer language to be precise." "Well, then you should have said, "l prefer precise language,"" "not "l prefer language to be precise."" "I'm thirsty." "Would you..." "You need to stay overnight for observation." "I need to make a phone call." "Did he recognize you?" "No." "Well, you have aged." "Shut up." "He told me my language was imprecise." "Was it?" "imprecise?" "(PHONE ringing)" "Hello?" "JANET:" "Hi, may I please speak with Mrs. Wetherhold?" "(PHONE ringing) I'm sorry, I'm not interested." "May I please speak to Mrs. Wetherhold?" "She's been dead for many years." "Thank you for the painful reminder." "Whatever it is you're peddling, I'm not interested." "I'm calling about your father." "He's not home." "Take us off your calling list." "No, he's here in the ER." "He's had an accident." "ls he okay?" "He's fine." "He's resting." "He suffered a concussion and a trauma-induced seizure." "Are you familiar with Allegheny General?" "'Cause I'm sure your father would love to see you when he wakes." "You know, I'm taking the SAT tomorrow." "And it is 1 0:00 right now, which means I have one more hour to practice before I must go to bed." "You know, head injuries are often more severe than they initially appear." "And your point?" "Well, I would hate for you to regret something as simple as not visiting your father in the hospital." "I appreciate the tip, Dr. Phil." "Little bitch." "Bitch." "Tetanus shot." "What happened to my car?" "It was in the impoundment lot." "I imagine it's still there." "If anyone asks, I was mugged." "I'm not going to lie for you." "Roll over." "Just be vague." "(exclaims)" "That's good." "There you go." "That was well done." "How nice of you to come." "So what happened to your head?" "A big guy chased me." "I climbed a fence." "It's all a blur." "Great, so now, if I don't get the perfect score, at least I have someone to blame." "And that adopted brother of yours, Chuck, called." "He left a bunch of messages, but I heard his voice and deleted them all." "Yes, he showed up at the office today, as well." "Oh !" "It was so nice of you to come." "I'm Dr. Hartigan." "Now, I want you to call your brother." "Tell him to get my car out of the impound lot." "And to have it here at 9:00 a.m. sharp." "Excuse me." "No, you do that." "You know, because of the seizure, you can't legally drive for six months." "I have to report it to the DMV." "No, just don't report it." "Six months?" "Six months..." "I'm not being your chauffeur for six months." "These times are crucial." "Young Republicans." "Model UN." "National Honor Society." "I will hire a driver on Monday." "The insurance company will pay for it." "Okay, well, if you need anything, just have one of the nurses page me." "I'm here all night." "Okay?" "Now, just go home and get some sleep, and you'll get that perfect SAT score." "That's what I've been trying to do." "Mercurial." "I learned that word in the fifth grade." "Fecundity." "English is my first language." "Uxorious." "That's appropriately obscure." "Mind you, I know it." "Overly fond of one's wife." "That's my girl." "I have a good one." "Eft." "Let me ponder." "Short in stature." "Diminutive." "No, sorry." "Eft is a young newt." "They rarely put nouns on the SAT." "You knew that word, right?" "Of course." "A young newt." "JAMES:" "I don't understand why you had to check out so early." "I only get one Saturday morning per week, you know." "Cry me a river." "LAWRENCE:" "Get off it, James." "JAMES:" "So why did you try to jump the fence at the impoundment lot, anyway?" "LAWRENCE:" "Where did you hear about the fence?" "Two people from school told me this morning." "Can you please move to the passenger seat?" "I seriously doubt that sitting on the right makes you sick." "If I vomit, we'll both look stupid." "I remember when Mom used to drop me off at kindergarten on Brighton." "You sat in the passenger seat then." "(MAN chattering ON TV)" "What the hell are you doing here?" "Watching a documentary on snow apes." "Hey, man." "Hey, Jim." "Good to see you, Chuck." "You look like you had another growth spurt." "No, I don't think so." "Not since I saw you last." "I'm too old for this." "I would like an explanation." "Why are you here?" "Vanessa said that you couldn't drive for six months." "So I'm here to help." "VANESSA:" "Yeah, he's pretty sure he's gonna move in and be your driver." "I think I got the perfect score today." "There was one tricky math one..." "Did it ever occur to you that I might not want you to drive me?" "Let alone move in." "It did occur to me, but Vanessa spoke to the insurance company, and they're not going to pay for a chauffeur." "And I already wrote a letter of complaint and I wrote a request for an appeal." "So, if I could just get your signature, and I will fax it." "I'm a little low on cash right now." "I can't really afford to get my own apartment." "So it's kind of a win-win situation." "No. lt's not a win-win situation." "It might be, if you were even vaguely reliable," "but you're not." "There's a spare room upstairs." "There's linens and towels..." "Shh." "Shh." "Thank you, Jim." "Do you even have a valid driver's license?" "I need a ride to campus." "I will see you downstairs" "in five minutes." "You got it!" "(groaning)" "Make a left." "ROTH:" "We need someone with a national scholarly reputation and strong leadership experience." "Well, thank you, Martin." "I am honored to serve in the position." "You heard?" "Word travels fast around here." "Usually it's a pain in the butt to find someone to chair the search committee." "I thought we were hiring from within the department." "You told me we were hiring from within the department." "Well, everyone else is so busy this semester." "Delivering papers, publishing." "Have you read what they're publishing?" "Most of it's garbage." "That's not very collegial." "Well, neither is forcing me to chair this search committee, Martin." "I am busy, too." "When was the last time you attended a department meeting?" "When was the last time there was anything on the agenda worth discussing?" "I need you to do this." "Bon appã©tit, Martin." "Now that Roth has forced me to chair the search committee, I can't very well nominate myself now, can I?" "You should have had that position eight years ago." "I mean, that was a travesty if I ever saw one." "You were nine years old at the time." "I will tell Roth that this injury is too much and it precludes me from heading the committee." "Why do you even want to be head of the department?" "You don't like any of the other professors and you certainly don't like any of your students." "You know, James, there was a time not too long ago when students were passionate about literature." "Today's students are only passionate about getting A's." "Dick Cheney." "His daughter is a lesbian." "And while her partner is considered to be "one of the family,"" "they never allowed her on stage during the campaign." "Okay, well, the point is, in 2000 ," "Cheney was the chair of Bush's vice-presidential search committee." "You know, he nominated himself." "Nominating myself?" "It seems rather unethical." "VANESSA:" "It's the democratic process." "If it can work for the Vice-President of America, it can work for you." "HADLEY:" "I wanted to call you all together, one last time, before we were deep into final exams." "We've received over 200 applications." "Fewer than 1 0 of the applications merit serious consideration." "Based on what criteria?" "The criteria listed in the official university bylaws on faculty hires." "When we did this before, we spent a few sessions devising a rubric for candidate evaluations." "One based on more humanistic ideals." "A few of the better applicants forgot to include copies of their student evaluations with their applications." "Personally, I find the evaluations that students write about me utterly useless." "It's mostly just speculation about my sexuality." "DR. STROUSE:" "Try not to blink." "This is rather uncomfortable." "Okay." "We're set, Mr. Wetherhold." "How come my follow-up wasn't with Dr. Hartigan?" "That's because she's the head of the ER, not a neurologist like myself." "You know, she's gonna kill me for saying this, but she used to be a student of yours, years ago." "I've had lots of students." "I think she had a schoolgirl crush, in effect." "She did, did she?" "Are we done?" "Yeah." "Pleasure." "JANET:" "Yeah." "Still around." "MAN:" "Here you go, miss." "Hi." "How's your head?" "Did you see Dr. Strouse yet?" "Yes, everything is fine." "I figured it out." "You were my student." "You must forgive me for not remembering the other night when they brought me into the ER." "Did you lose weight?" "No, not at all." "Same weight." "Night." "What are you doing?" "Are these your mom's?" "Don't get mayonnaise on them." "You know, you should really make your bed." "It sets the tone for the day." "How do you know what tone I wanted to set, though?" "Don't you think it's kind of weird to keep dead people's clothes lying around?" "Yes." "Dad's been saving them." "It's really not a good thing for him." "If we donate them to Goodwill, we get a tax write-off, which is great." "You're a monster." "May I give you a ride home?" "No, thank you." "My adopted brother is supposed to pick me up." "Are you sure?" "It's pretty cold." "Okay, thank you." "Here." "CHUCK:" "Don't forget the tax receipt." "Right." "JANET:" "You know, you can sit up front if you want." "That's okay. I'm fine." "I get nauseated if I ride on the right-hand side of the car." "Dr. Strouse said I was fine and I was wondering if you could call the DMV and have them repeal my driving restriction." "That's not how it works." "So what are you teaching this semester?" "I'm teaching two sections about the Victorians." "Do you like the Victorians?" "I used to." "The Victorian novel, huh?" "Hmm." "Wow, how many times can you read Bleak House?" "You never tire of Bleak House." "I can always find something new to say about it." "Don't you have anything better to do?" "(sighs)" "You need to relax." "You need to relax. I need to study." "Great, I'm in an after-school special." "You know, your dad used to smoke all the time when he was in grad school." "Oh, yeah?" "He was too scared to buy it, so I'd have to do it for him." "They called him Hookah Larry." "Look, your pathetic attempts to manipulate me, they're never going to work." "(speaking spanish)" "Okay, shut up and give it to me." "If this gives me brain damage, I will kill you." "VANESSA:" "Lupita is crying over Pedro, who is being abused by Manuel." "She's going to leave Manuel, you know." "He's such a machismo." "She's going to move in with Diego." "He's really handsome and built." "If your Spanish were better, you would see all of that." "LAWRENCE:" "Thank you for driving me." "You're welcome." "This is your house, right?" "Yes." "Shit." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "(chuckling) I forgot this." "Would you like to have a face-to-face conversation sometime?" "We could finish our discussion of Victorian literature." "We weren't really having a conversation about Victorian literature." "I suppose I'd have to drive." "I hadn't thought of that." "How about Friday night at 7:30 for a face-to-face conversation?" "That would work." "Okay, bye." "(DOOR closing)" "Smell something burning?" "Maybe cannabis?" "Are you mad?" "I waited outside the medical center for eons." "Where were you?" "Helping Vanessa with her Spanish." "Lost track of time, sorry." "Where'd you get that?" "The closet." "I told him Wellesley was a women's college." "That's Caroline's sweatshirt." "That, too. I told him that, too. I told him it was Mom's sweatshirt." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Take it off, please." "Did it ever occur to you that I might be saving that sweatshirt?" "Please don't rip it." "(whispering) I think he may have smelled the pot." ""l told him Wellesley was a women's college."" "God, what a narc." "CHUCK:" "You know, we didn't just donate her clothes on a whim." "We did it for your psychological well-being." "Will you wait in the car?" "Let's see, "Professor Wetherhold is a conceited dickhead,"" ""An asshole," "Unfair... "" "Here's one." "What does it say?" ""Professor Wetherhold is knowledgeable," ""but he doesn't impart that knowledge to his students." ""He barked information at us all semester," ""and then he complained when our papers did not measure up" ""to his bizarre standards."" "I'll dig deeper." "JAMES:" "Hey, can we go to the mall tonight instead of this afternoon?" "There's, like, three games l want to watch." "I can't go to the mall tonight." "Why's that?" "l'm busy." "Yeah, busy with what?" "I fucking gotta go to the mall." "LAWRENCE:" "I have an appointment." "CHUCK:" "Really?" "Yes." "With who?" "With none of your business." "An appointment with whom?" "None of your business." "I just want to know." "God !" "Dr. Hartigan." "l knew it." "Good work." "You spend $50 on dinner, that's grounds for intercourse with "none of your business."" "Dad, if there are any romantic inklings, you're simply not ready." "I mean the sociosexual mores have really shifted." "And look, let's not forget the stigma attached to widowers." "Widowers." "At some point the statute of limitations has gotta run out on that." "We're not talking about this anymore." "Don't freak out and sabotage it like you always do." "I don't always freak out and sabotage it." "Yeah, well, this hospital is littered with men you've left in your wake." "It's littered with men you've left in your wake, too." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "Nothing. I'm just reading something." "I'll call you back, okay?" "Hi." "Hi, there." "How are you?" "What are you doing here?" "Excuse me?" "He's kind of a fragile guy." "You know, he's not ready for this." "He's fragile?" "What do you mean?" "You know what?" "It's quite predatory, actually." "Have you forgotten about the Hippocratic oath you took, about not fucking your patients?" "Your father's no longer my patient." "We respond to literary texts using precisely the same fundamental interpretive categories as authors and poets use to create them." "So there's no need to posit any kind of unstable ontology or ruptured consciousness." "Are you following me?" "Yeah." "Any coffee?" "Something from the desert menu?" "Yeah. I want..." "lt's too late for coffee." "I'll tell you what." "One piece of chocolate cake and two forks, two plates." "So no one..." "Thank you." "... haseverlookedatthis process of cultural criticism through the..." "45 minutes." "Excuse me?" "45 minutes." "That's how long it's been since I've uttered a single word." "I mean, do you even know where l'm from?" "Where I grew up, where l live?" "Do you know anything about my family?" "What kind of day did I have?" "Well, if you actually did want to know, I was having a great day until about 30 minutes ago when I realized you weren't gonna shut up." "In fact, you actually gave me a C in your course." "You said my paper was sophomoric." "I was a freshman." "That's not what sophomoric means." "I know." "See, I know that." "You know, the other night when I drove you home, I actually thought I saw a different side of you." "But now I'm back to thinking you're the same pompous windbag who made me switch my major from English to Biology." "Well." "Certainly an established physician is not harboring resentment for a grade she received more than 1 0 years ago." "This was a mistake." "Your daughter was right." "Thank you." "It's probably better if you get a cab home." "I take it by your presence here at 8:45, you did not get laid." "(knocking AT DOOR)" "Yeah, come in, unless it's Chuck." "I'm back." "Thank God." "This is a good-sized room." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've been in here before." "Do you think I'm self-absorbed?" "I think self-absorption's underrated." "I think everyone needs some compassion, some capacity for sympathy, empathy." "Right?" "Dad," "Theresa Sternbridge practically runs a soup kitchen, and she's always seen posing in photos with crack babies and dying, old, crusty ladies." "And do you know why?" "She scored in the 45th percentile on her SAT." "People like you and me don't need to compensate." "You know, I'm glad you're home early." "That physician wasn't good for you." "Too young and kind of uncultured, like oh-so-many in the medical profession..." "I thought of the perfect new title for your book." "Right?" "Good night." "Bonsoir." "MAN: (singing) Someone please shed some light" "Where is the narrator in my life" "Maybe he doesn't know where l've fled" "Running through the city in my head I shed regret" "(SCREAMS)" "What are you doing here?" "That gurney was sterile." "I re-read your essay." "And..." "At first I considered giving it a higher grade, but then, I decided that the C should stick." "Do you honestly think that I care about a grade I received when I was a freshman in college?" "I mean, I admit that the paper, as you originally wrote," ""lacks a clear focus and rambles like a bad folk song."" "But I read it again the other day and its thesis is really quite good." "I should have been more diplomatic and less pompous as your professor and as your dinner date." "True." "I'm just out of practice." "What?" "Usually you're better at masking your pomposity?" "Could we give this face-to-face conversation one more try?" "I haven't been on a date in a while." "I'd have to drive again, I suppose." "(sighs)" "VANESSA:" "Merry Christmas!" "(CAR engine stalling)" "Fuck!" "It was clever of you to reserve the same table." "I wanted to make sure that I had an authentic second chance." "Would you like to start with some wine?" "Well, I'm on call tonight, so I can't drink." "You're on call?" "Yeah." "So this date may end at any moment?" "Well, if I'm paged, yes." "l can come back in a minute." "No, no." "It's okay. lt's okay." "I will have the lobster, and a house salad, and the house dressing on the side, please." "And for you, sir?" "Oh, yes, the clock is ticking." "I'm going to have the cod and house salad, house dressing on the side." "I'm sorry I called you an arrogant windbag the other night." "You called me a pompous windbag." "So have you heard back yet from any of the publishers about your book?" "Did you ever tell me where you're from?" "Well, how long ago did you send it?" "Well, a few weeks ago." "What did your parents do?" "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "I'm asking you about the book." "Yes, and I'm not taking the bait, am I?" "Come on, I'm interested in the book." "It's been rejected by a few publishers." "Actually, it's been rejected by everyone, so..." "Rejection is tough." "It can scar you for life." "But you can rewrite it." "You can, you know, send it out again, can't you?" "(sighs)" "It's about time!" "That's some real riveting shit there." "You Young Republicans really know how to party." "Bet you guys are a lot of fun on Friday nights." "I have fun." "You're at a Hitler Youth Rally the first night of Christmas break." "My fun is just a little more cerebral than yours." "Come on." "When was the last time you did something bad?" "Or subversive?" "Huh?" "Like a normal teenager." "Do you know what you're doing?" "Jesus." "I bet you never cheated or stole anything." "Or jaywalked." "Well, I've smoked pot with my perverted uncle." "Okay, that was because I coerced you." "You didn't do that of your own volition." "You know what?" "You're really in jeopardy of becoming a 1 7-year-old robot." "Okay, shut up." "'Cause you really don't know me." "I actually got accepted to Stanford two weeks ago." "Really?" "But Carnegie Mellon is free for you." "And Stanford's, I don't know, $600-$700 a year." "40 grand, actually." "Well, your father is gonna kill you." "But for the time being, I'm filled with pride." "Come on, little mermaid, let's go celebrate." "Think older." "You'll appear older." "I want you to grab that table." "I'm gonna get a pitcher of beer." "MAN: (singing) There's too many things I can't afford" "So what do you mean when you say" "Keep your eye out, there's a guy over there that used to be a woman." "linsey:" "Out on the town with Grandpa?" "Fuck off." "Those seem like nice girls." "Yeah." "I wouldn't wanna rush you lose you" "Fuss you" "But I love love love you" "That's disgusting." "That is disgusting." "You must miss your wife." "Sorry, I shouldn't be so direct." "If my wife, Caroline, were here right now, she would be telling me to stop pitying myself." "She was a lovely, funny, intelligent woman." "And she'd want you to know it." "But she'd also advise me not to talk about my dead wife on a date with a beautiful woman." "And she'd be wondering when I was going to get around to kissing you." "(singing) I wouldn't wanna rush you lose you" "Fuss you I wouldn't wanna rush you lose you" "Fuss you" "But I love love love you" "Love love love you" "Said I love love love you" "Love love love you" "What is it like being stupid?" "What's it like sitting alone at lunch every day?" "It sucks." "Come with me." "(chuckling)" "I'm not used to condoms, but I thought it went okay." "Very nice." "'Cause I just don't want to blow it with you." "LAWRENCE:" "Do you have any plans for Christmas?" "Will you excuse me for a minute?" "'Cause my daughter, Vanessa, makes quite a spread." "I was just paged." "I haven't been up this late in years." "(singing) lf this were a book lt'd start with a line I once knew a man I was his and he was mine" "So predictable So confused I'm at a loss for words to explain my mood" "I stitch this bow into the bottom of my dress" "VANESSA:" "Linsey hates me, you know?" "Brooke hates me." "Everybody hates me." "CHUCK:" "Well, if you tell people they're stupid, they'll usually hate you." "And I wasn't completely congenial when you first came." "You're right." "But you like me now." "l like you now." "Vanessa, come on..." "You're adopted. lt's not like it's..." "Biblical..." "You just want to fuck that trashy waitress." "Yeah, that's none of your business." "You're drunk and you're 1 7 and you're my niece." "My shoe." "Great idea, giving you beer." "Come on." "VANESSA:" "Hey, you !" "Are you drunk?" "(SCOFFS)" "Did you get her drunk?" "No." "She seems drunk." "She's drunk." "How was your date?" "You're a giant toddler." "Mom and Dad did you absolutely no favors, allowing you to become the immature scam artist that you are." "Vanessa, did anyone call me today?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, a telemarketer." "It was a man." "You're acting very desperate." "I got it." "(sighs)" "Will you stop avoiding me?" "I was drunk." "I'm not avoiding you." "I just need some time alone, please." "Thank you." "Hi, Janet, sorry to leave you yet another message, but I realized that you may not have my phone number, and that's why you haven't called me back." "My number is..." "JAMES:" "Didn't you prove the other night that you can't hold your alcohol?" "I'm having one glass, moron." "And I chose this Beaujolais specifically to go with the ham." "Neither of you is old enough to be drinking." "Dude." "Let's all just get drunk." "I need something to wash down this rubber ham." "Actually, I downloaded the recipe from the Internet." "I translated it from Old French." "It dates all the way back to Louis XlV." "And he was the one that actually decided dishes should be served in courses, because before that, it was served as this big pile of food..." "Maybe you messed up the translation, and that's why it tastes like burnt tires." "Well, if you'd like, I could jam that up your ass for you?" "That's enough." "Enough." "Well, this is cheerful." "Shut up." "(DOORBELL ringing)" "Who would think to interrupt this perfect Christmas dinner?" "Hi." "Hi." "You're the doctor girlfriend, right?" "You're the adopted brother, right?" "Well, you don't appear to be boring." "Well, you've just met me." "For all you know, I'm quite boring." "You've presented yourself here, uninvited and unannounced for Christmas dinner." "That is not boring." "And the cake?" "Lexotonin?" "That's an antidepressant." "I stole it from the break room." "Am I interrupting anything?" "No, welcome." "We could use a little antivenom in the snake pit." "Thank you very much." "Move along, thank you." "Hi." "Hi." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "The woman brought a cake." "Hello." "Vanessa!" "I'm getting the physician a plate!" "My, what a generous portion." "Enjoy." "JAMES:" "Well, Vanessa here is the perfect little housewife." "I mean, daughter." "Yes, if, by perfect, you mean not retarded/suffering from insurmountable credit card debt, then, yes, I am indeed perfect." "Would you two please stop bickering?" "These children haven't been properly parented in many years." "That's why I was brought in." "To ensure that they don't kill each other." "Merry Christmas." "Please." ""So much depends upon" ""a red wheelbarrow... "" "William Carlos Williams." "He was a physician." "Yes, I know that." "Many considered him to be an imagist, but he was really more of a modernist, eschewing the poetic traditions of Europe, in favor of celebrating everyday circumstances." "But I digress." "I like suburban Pittsburgh for Christmas." "Yes, it's really glamorous." "You're in the" "Paris of Western Pennsylvania." "I'm really glad that you stopped by." "I just saw Dad and the physician kissing in the den." "I am going to puke." "Why does physical affection bother you so much?" "It doesn't, actually." "Well, you're not the only one who deserves to have a little fun." "And what's your point?" "I saw you both at Gibraltar's." "Drunk." "I saw you, too." "I saw you, too, man." "Bravo." "I am proud that we whittled it down to these three so quickly." "I have another candidate in mind." "Who?" "Me." "Can you apply?" "You're the chair of the committee." "Yes, I am permitted to apply." "It's well within Carnegie Mellon's ethical codes of conduct." "It's part of the democratic process." "Tick, tock." "But now, in the new days..." "Do you know its meaning?" "You drove yourself..." "When I come back, you better have a word on that board." "(CELL PHONE ringing)" "Vanessa, this phone is for emergencies only." "I didn't want to call you at her apartment. I just, like..." "Are you coming home for dinner?" "Because Chuck's gone and I'm the only one here." "I'm eating here tonight." "Well, that's just fantastic." "What am I supposed to do with the beef stroganoff that I made, and the garlic whipped potatoes?" "I'm going to be home in a few hours, could you save me a little bit?" "Just a plate." "(PHONE ringing)" "This is Lawrence Wetherhold." "Who is this?" "This is Deb Rosenblatt, from the Penguin Group." "Bloomberg really liked your manuscript and he would like to meet with you in New York." "Well, it is a very interesting concept, isn't it?" "Yeah, I always wondered who littered the world with those." "Where have you been?" "I haven't seen you, like, all week." "I've been busy." "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, okay?" "I completely respect your homosexuality, and I will refrain from any further untoward advances." "Truth be told, I've started dating someone." "Someone my own age." "What's his name?" "Her name is none of your business." "I will be staying at her apartment a couple of nights a week." "So does she know you're gay?" "I don't think that you and I should be hanging out as much." "Well, that's just..." "It'sidiotic." "I mean, who am I supposed to hang out with?" "I just think that we both need to, you know, get a life." "My life begins when I set foot in California next fall." "The cab was $9!" "I'll pay you back." "Well," "they're publishing my book." "What?" "Who the fuck's gonna read that?" "Bloomberg. I knew it. I so knew it!" "Well, when do we..." "When are we going to meet with them?" "You have school." "So I'm taking Janet and flying to New York on Monday." "You have school." "(sighs)" "So I sort of met somebody." "I was kind of hoping you could float me some greenbacks to get my own apartment." "You know, more and more, I'm getting used to you." "I need you here." "So, no." "There was a twinkle of humanity in there." "(singing) Gonna tell you all a story" "About a girl who's just informed me" "That all she needs to love me ls a quiet peaceful day" "She don't need no shiny diamonds Or a fancy car to drive in" "She just needs me there beside her On a quiet peaceful day" "It's almost 1 0:00. I need to leave." "Good luck." "Knock 'em dead !" "Does this suit make me look too eager?" "How can a suit make anyone look too eager?" "Wish me luck." "l just did." "Go already." "You're starting to make me nervous." "Goodbye." "BLOOMBERG:" "At first I thought it was the driest piece of shit I'd ever read." "What?" "Till I got to the third section, where l noticed a certain marketable tone, the surly, smarter-than-thou asshole tone." "People love to hate books like this." "NPR will attack the book immediately." "And before you know it, you'll be defending yourself on Charlie Rose." "That's not the point of the book." "I understand your hesitancy, but when was the last time a senior editor edited, actually edited?" "We spent the entire staff meeting last week talking about it." "Marketing guys loved it." "Two junior editors loved it." "It's almost like the book itself is a fucking bully." "You Can't Read." "Brilliant!" "Shit." "Hey." "Hi." "Well, how'd it go?" "Great." "They loved me over there." "It's going to be a very important book." "Well, you seem happy." "Well, wait, wait." "Don't open that yet." "What did he say about the book?" "Well..." "They've edited it, significantly." "But it's much better." "It's intelligent, but very contrary, powerful and inflammatory. lt's..." "Well, how much did they edit it?" "Well, Penguin has..." "They've edited thousands of books, and there comes a time when you have to let the experts be experts." "And are you honestly okay with the changes?" "Well, Bloomberg wants to take us out to dinner." "I thought you and I were going out for a quiet dinner tonight." "They want to take us out." "It's..." "Youknow." "He'smyeditor." "And I'm your..." "I don't know." "What am I to you?" "Well, for lack of a better term, you're my girlfriend." "No, what am I to you?" "Not just a term." "You're everything that a girlfriend is." "You can't answer, can you?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Please, would you just get ready for dinner?" "You know what?" "I actually don't even feel that well." "I couldn't go out tonight anyways." "You should go. I'm gonna be fine." "You'd think their parents would control them." "They've probably been stuck on a plane for hours." "They should be encouraged to run around." "Your book's not published yet." "You don't have to act like a complete misanthrope." "What is with you?" "You're like a different person." "No, Lawrence, I'm the same person." "I've just noticed a few things." "I can't win." "Call me a grouch, I just think that it's wrong to let kids run around an airport unsupervised." "When you have children, you'll understand." "This isn't about unsupervised kids at an airport, and you know it." "Excuse me, sorry." "You don't seem interested in anything other than your book or becoming head of the department." "I mean, why don't you ask?" "Just try asking." "Okay." "What the hell's your problem?" "I don't want to talk about it right now." "I have it." "You don't seem very happy." "I'm not happy." "Not even close." "WCMAN: (singing) What have I got to offor you" "Have I gotten" "My heart nor my soul 'cause I gave it away" "There's a lesson I learned when the trust is gone" "Love is gone" "So I put some flowers on Mom's grave." "Like just a dozen or so pink and white roses." "You kind of owe me $64." "The 1 7th. I'm sorry." "No, it's..." "You know, it's not like Mom knew you weren't there." "Besides, I'm a big girl. I can handle it." "How are you?" "Maybe this weekend, you and I could go ice skating like we used to." "Dad, you just got a huge book deal, and the head of the department is yours for the taking, and everything's kind of perfect for you, so don't screw everything up, okay?" "You know, I read in Cosmopolitan that it takes about half the time you date someone to get over them." "And, what, you've dated Janet for just a few months?" "You read Cosmopolitan?" "l glance at it." "Like, at the supermarket, if the line's particularly long." "You know that physician, she's just a rebound relationship, that's all." "A rebound from what?" "From Mom." "Lawrence, congratulations on your book deal." "Thank you." "And James' poem being accepted by the New Yorker." "With Lawrence's book it may seem like bringing the other three candidates to campus is a waste of time." "But according to the bylaws, we have to." "What about his recommendation letter?" "Lawrence, could you tell us about your book?" "It's an examination of critical theory from the standpoint that every school of criticism has failed us." "I start out with a brief history of criticism, then I..." "(sighing)" "Penguin Group seems to like it." "(knocking AT DOOR)" "Shit." "I heard about the New Yorker." "Why didn't you tell me about the poem?" "I..." "I ..." "l need to read it." "You need to read it?" "Now that I sold a poem to the New Yorker, I'm suddenly worthy of your attention?" "What's wrong with a father wanting to hear about his son's success?" "What are those doing here?" "He left those here last night." "Are you working for him now?" "No. I'm not working for him." "He left it here last night." "He left his sweater, too." "Hold on." "I thought that Chuck was staying at his girlfriend's." "He doesn't have a girlfriend." "He stays here a few nights every week to get away from you guys." "You have no idea what's going on, do you?" "How's your head?" "Douchebag." "So dinner will be ready at 8:00 , if you're around." "Those jeans look really great." "And they're really snug in all the right areas." "Don't say things like that to me." "Why, I'm just..." "Just don't." "LAWRENCE:" "So what is the lotus?" "Homer calls it a "honey-sweet fruit."" "For Tennyson, it's not just a drug, is it?" "It symbolizes a desire for rest and death." "But what does it inspire in them?" "They're tired and they can't take it anymore." "The lotus is about the possibility of oblivion." "What your CliffsNotes may not have mentioned is that the eating of the lotus occasions a song." "I didn't use CliffsNotes." "You used SparkNotes." "I read them, too." "So where did their singing lead them?" "Singing lets them imagine their way out of their misery." "chin:" "Since they can't go home, they sing of home as the place where all the sufforing is." "The song becomes the doleful music of the miserable world they no longer occupy, then" "they just sit around listening to it, drinking nectar and stuff." "Hey, Lawrence, got a minute?" "Can I read you something?" ""ln all my years of schooling," ""l've never encountered a professor as deeply passionate about his subject" ""as Professor Wetherhold was" ""back when I took his Victorian novel course as a freshman." ""He pushed us hard, but he believed in us" ""and helped us become strong, close readers and critical writers," ""skills I've brought to my study of medicine." ""Sincerely, Janet Hartigan, M. D ."" "Professor Wetherhold, I have a simple question." "Why do you want to be head of the English department?" "I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately." "As head of the department, how do you plan on rectitying the systematic subjugation of women in this institution?" "Julia, I haven't even vaguely considered that, nor do I plan to." "You know what?" "None of you like me, and I don't blame you." "I would make a lousy head of the department." "What this department needs is someone who likes to manage people, who can make small talk." "And that's..." "I can't do that." "That's not me. I can't do it." "Sorry I wasted your time." "I'll just stick to teaching for now." "(sighs)" "So where's your girlfriend?" "Been hiding out here?" "Bye." "See you, Chelsea." "Can we talk?" "LAWRENCE:" "Everyone in my life is going crazy." "CHUCK:" "You're the one that's crazy." "And socially retarded." "You're the middle-aged man who was just hosting a college beer bash." "You know, Vanessa's becoming an android." "A scary clone, no friends, too scared to be anything else." "Just like you." "And you constantly take her for granted." "I do not take her for granted." "I am continually impressed by her." "Did you know she was going to Stanford?" "Early acceptance, last November." "Why didn't she tell me?" "Why does she have to?" "Why don't you ask?" "You drove the hot doctor out of your life." "She left me." "She can't handle my success." "We're just not compatible." "You have the iq of a dumb-ass ant." "But you know what?" "Maybe it's not going to be so bad." "Vanessa's going away in the fall." "It'll just be the two of us, the Wetherhold bachelors." "Middle-aged, can't get along with women, should be gay..." "What are you doing here?" "If you've come to tell me that I can't go to Stanford, then you can just forget it." "I don't care. I don't care if it's free." "I'm not going to the same school as James." "He sold a poem to the New Yorker." "Even cretins win the lottery sometimes." "I won't be head of the department." "l pulled myself out of the search." "lnsane." "What are you trying to do to me?" "Just relax." "My book, that dumbed-down, gimmicky travesty of scholarship, will pay for Stanford." "Satisfied?" "What's going on between you and Chuck?" "Nothing." "It's just miscommunication." "A simple case of middle-aged loser trying to seduce his much younger, bound-for-success niece." "I don't think you're very happy, Vanessa." "Well, you're not happy, and you're my role model." "(knocking AT DOOR)" "You know what?" "I've had a monumentally shitty day." "You hate me. I get it." "End of discussion." "I don't hate you." "You know what?" "I don't really get it." "I don't get that you spend the first few months trying to win me over, which you do, and then make up some fake girlfriend and completely ditch me." "Well, that's not entirely the whole story, is it?" "Not really, I guess." "You know, when I moved in, I thought you were smart and funny." "I'm sorry that you misunderstood that." "But I'll let you get back to that." "What are you gonna do?" "Go in my room." "Do 1 ,000 pushups." "Wow ." "What are you going to do with your life?" "Just, you know, sell phone cards?" "Right." "It is pretty good money." "Sure." "But I know what you mean." "You know, I like my life." "Yeah, we're like friends, I guess, right?" "Yeah, we're friends." "Can you make me something to eat, friend?" "Order pizza, with the works." "Wake up!" "I need to run a few errands before school." "Wake up." "MAN: (singing) lf only we loved us like before" "There would be more lf only the scars would disappear" "Verbal surgery" "LAWRENCE:" "Hello." "If only we could have seen the smoke" "Simple warning" "Hold on, I want..." "I wantthat." "May I have a tax receipt?" "There you go." "Love come back save the day" "Thanks, bro. lt was starting to get a little cold out here." "You sat on the right side and you didn't throw up!" "Good work!" "Pull over, up here." "Now, remember, four words." ""l'm sorry. I love you."" "That's five words." "This is no time to count words, Professor." "Hey!" "Don't forget, "l'm sorry!" "I love you !"" "What'd he say?" "MAN:" "I love you, too, man !" "Hey, where you going !" "May I sit down?" "Sure." "How are you?" "l'm good." "How are you?" "l'm..." "How's the book coming?" "Thank you for this." "I didn't write it." "You should check with Vanessa, she does good work, though the signature's not even close." "This is humiliating. I'll see you." "Wait." "Wait, wait." "Wait." "Listen, I haven't had any grand epiphany or made any sweeping changes in my personality over the past few weeks." "I know I'm a miserable asshole, but I do have some hope for myself." "Lawrence, I'm pregnant." "And according to my calculations, this pregnancy is the result of the first time." "Well, why didn't you tell me?" "Because you were being such an ass." "You were not exactly a wellspring of emotional information." "Why would you have a baby with me?" "Because you don't know how to properly use a condom." "Message received." "You're intelligent, right?" "And you're not unattractive." "I mean, it's not like it's a total genetic crapshoot." "Though you do have some deficits." "But you came here today." "We can figure this out." "We're smart people." "I'm sorry. I love you." "LAWRENCE:" "It's not up to you. lt's not up to me." "(VANESSA sighs)" "Sorry." "Chuck, you stay, please." "Just..." "It's just that you have options." "And you should be aware of all of them." "Well, you have options, too, Vanessa." "You can either continue to be miserable, or you can just stop being angry at everyone and accept the way things are." "Allow yourself to live." "You sound like a stupid motivational speaker." "You're not listening to me." "You're not." "I am not cleaning any dirty diapers." "LAWRENCE:" "Morning." "Matthew Arnold, one of the writers we'll be studying this semester, wrote that, "Culture is the pursuit of our total perfection," ""the best which has been thought and said in the world."" "Now, my name is Lawrence Wetherhold." "You may call me Professor Wetherhold, or Dr. Wetherhold." "But you may not call me, "Hey, you," or, "Yo, Teach," or, "Dude,"" "because none of these terms of address could possibly be the prelude to intelligent comment or question." "So let's get to know one another." "Joseph Anderson." "Joseph, where you from?" "(singing) So you got to go, but you don't know where" "All that you know, is you can't stay here" "What's left to do, but wish you the best ln your pursuit of happiness" "You say it's not me, it's just you" "But I'm the only one in the room" "Asking myself why you have left ln your pursuit of happiness" "All the papers read Happiness is fled" "Known accomplice to the sad I hope you find what you're looking for" "Your piece of mind, I want nothing more" "Somewhere over the rainbow's end ln your pursuit of happiness" "Starting over again, more or less ln my pursuit of happiness" "WCMAN: (singing) Baby, won't you help me be my best" "Help me find a way back to our nest" "And dreams" "If this were a book lt'd start with a line I once knew a man I was his and he was mine" "So predictable So confused I'm at a loss for words to explain my mood" "I stitch this bow into the bottom of my dress" "The one that touches me directly on my legs" "And I wear that gold ribbon till lt sits over my heart And I hold it tight" "And dream"