"# You heard 'bout the legend of Jesse James" "# And John Henry just to mention some names" "# Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend in the South today" "# A man called Bandit from Atlanta, Ga." "# Every gearjammer knows his name" "# They swear he got asphalt a- runnin' in his veins" "# A foot like lead and nerves like steel" "# He's gonna go to glory riding' 18 wheels" "# Oh, boy" "# He left Atlanta back in '63" "# Haulin' him a load up to Tennessee" "# He hit Mount Eagle in a driving' rain" "# So hard he couldn't even see the passing' lane" "# Well, he started down the grade when he lost a gear" "# He hit them brakes, found he had no air" "# The Mount Eagle grade is steep and long" "# And everybody that seen it thought the Bandit was gone" "# All gone" "# Well, his truck jack-knifed turned completely around" "# He was comin' down backwards 'bout the speed of sound" "# A lot of folks seen him and they all say" "# He had his head out the window yelling', "Clear the way!"" "# Well, he got to the bottom safe and sound" "# Everybody asked Bandit how he made it down" "# He said, "Folks, when the truck picked up too much speed" "# "I just run along beside it and drug my feet"" "# Ya heard the legend of Jesse James" "# And John Henry just to mention some names" "# Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend in the South today" "# A man called Bandit from Atlanta, Ga." "# Every gearjammer knows his name" "# They swear he's got asphalt a- runnin' in his veins" "# A foot like lead and nerves like steel" "# He's goin' up to glory riding' 18 wheels" "# Ah, tell me, boy" "# Talk to me, guitar #" "Hey, Kirk." "How ya doin'?" "Tod Engels." "How are ya?" " This your rig, son?" " Yeah." "Open it up." "Let's see the manifest." "Well, placing' you under arrest for transporting' alcoholic beverages across state lines without the proper permits." "And that means you, you dumb cowboy." "You know truckin' Coors beer east of Texas is bootlegging'." " This here's Georgia, son." " Just a friendly bet." "These two old boys put me up to it." "Now, when ya gonna learn?" "Big and Little Enos Burdette make that same bet with every gearjammer they can." "I say he ain't gonna go for your game." "Son, from what I've heard, the biggest thing about the Bandit is his ego, and I figure that, plus a lot of my dollars, and he'll try anything, legal or not." "They've put on quite a show for us today, haven't they, friends?" "Yes, sir, you have seen some of the finest gearjammin' in all of this country." "Remember, these are the boys that take the long hauls." "They really did it today." " Hoss..." "Where might I find the Bandit?" " I ain't seen him." " Over there behind his rig." " Who wants to see him?" " Who's askin'?" " I'm askin'." "'Cause I'm the guy paying' him $25 a day so all his loyal fans can look at him." "Do it." "I'm buyin' your attraction for a half an hour." "Egotistical son of a bitch." "A guy that paints his truck like this would go to a minister's funeral dressed in feathers." "See, son?" "Old legends never die." "They just lose weight." "Seems like a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, Daddy." "Bandit, me and my son are here." "Oh, I love your suits." "It must be a bitch gettin' a size 68 extra-fat and a 12 dwarf." "I came to make a deal." "What's he get if he wins this truck rodeo thing?" " If?" "!" " $5,000, Daddy." " Chicken-shit money." " Just what the hell you want, anyway?" "You to get out of this dumb-ass rodeo and accept a real challenge." "Gettin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem." " It ain't never been done before, hotshit." " Watch your language, little lady." "The problem is that Coors beer." "You take that east of Texas and that's, uh... that's bootlegging'." "I believe you're just a little bit scared." "Great psychology." "Why don't you say somethin' bad about my mother?" " Your mama is so ugly..." " Look, you make this run for me." "These Peterbilts are worth $80,000." "That comes to about three grand an hour if you make it in 28 hours." "How about that for a challenge?" " Dad, I don't believe that that's necess..." " Never mind." "Wait a minute." "Why do you want that beer so bad?" "Because he's thirsty, dummy." "You see, I got a boy runnin' tomorrow in the Southern Classic." "When he wins, I wanna celebrate in style." " How much style?" " Well, I got a few friends and me." "400 cases." " 400 cases...?" " Well?" " Well, let me see your cash." " Big Enos's word is gold." "All right, show him the cash." " Go ahead, Little." " Shit." "Let's see." "There's 400 cases of beer, I'll need the cash for that." "No problem." "Go ahead, boy." "New car." "Gotta have a new car to block for the truck." " OK." "Go ahead, boy." " I'd like to kick his ass just once." "Speedy car." "Speedier than that." "Go ahead." " Hello, darlin'." " Hi, Uncle Bandit." " Which one of the house apes are you?" " Kate." "He's droppin' 'em like flies, isn't he?" "Well, well, well." "Hello, beautiful." " How about 'gorgeous'?" " You can't have him." "Obviously you can." "What are you tryin' to do, start another race?" "Look, you got Cledus in jail once." "Leave us alone!" " Hi, Uncle Bandit!" " He ain't your damn uncle!" "I always recognise you!" "You know why?" "You always kick me in the balls!" "Damn it, Bandit!" "Look at me!" "I find it hard to look at you, Waynette, especially with those things in your hair." "Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah." "You can't go in there and bother Cledus." "Hey!" "This is my home!" " Cledus." " No!" "I know in the past I may have done you wrong." " Right?" " Right." "However, in the future, Cledus, I will never, ever do you wrong again." " Right?" " Right." "We have a big chance, a big chance to make a run for some big bucks." " 80,000 of them." " Really?" " Are we gonna kidnap the Pope or somethin'?" " How'd you guess?" "No." "We're just gonna run over to Texarkana and pick up 400 cases of Coors and bring it back in 28 hours." "Whoa!" "I got a flash for you." "That's called bootleggin', and that's against the law." "Who gives a turkey when the Snowman and the Bandit are runnin' the booze?" " No one can stop us." " Hold it right there." "There ain't gonna be no more Snowman and Bandit." "Because I've got to go in the morning to Conyers and pick up a load of manure." " Shitty job." " Can I ask you a question?" "Sure." "Ask me." "What the hell do we wanna go to Texas for and haul beer back here?" "For the good old American life." "For the money, for the glory and for the fun." "Mostly for the money." "You know what we're gonna do with the money?" " What?" " We're gonna buy a new rig." " You're crazy, you know that." " Yeah." " How much money did you say it was?" " $80,000." "$80,000?" " Hm." " Waynette!" "Now, Bo, I'm tellin' ya, Fred here ain't gonna be no problem." " I can see he'll be a major asset." " Besides, he's one hellacious watchdog." " Well, let's get goin'." " Whoa." "Hold it a minute." "I got to ask you a question." "Sit right there, Fred." "You mean to tell me we're gonna drive from here to Texarkana, Texas, and back to here in 28 hours?" "It's only 900 miles there and 900 miles back." "Well, for your information, that ain't never been done, not in no rig." "'Cause you and I never done it in no rig." "You gotta stop thinkin' so negative." "'Course we can make it." "We ain't never not made it yet, have we?" " Well, no." " You see?" "There you are." "Yeah." "Yeah, I see." "I see all right." "I see our asses in a sling if we get caught, that's what I see." "Hey!" "Ho-ho-ho!" "Well, God Almighty, would you look at that!" " It's beautiful, huh?" " Honey, hush." "I don't guess we're gonna be ridin' in the truck together this time?" "No, son." "I'll be drivin' this one and blocking'." "You'll be drivin' the truck." "This is Bandit One and that is Bandit Two." "Together again." " Like Fred and Ginger and Lester and Earl." " That's right." "But we got a problem." "You know them Smokeys got them CBs in the car now." "I haven't worked that out yet, but I'm thinkin' about it." "I got an idea." "Why don't we do this?" "If I say go to channel 21, forget it." "We ain't goin' to 21, we're goin' to 19." " 21 is 19?" " If I say go to channel six, forget it." " We go to three." " I go to three." "Perfect." " If I say go to channel two, we go to one." " Two is one." " That'll confuse everybody." " That'll confuse 'em." "On the other hand, if we stayed on the odd channels, switched every time and started in the basement, that'd work, too." " That'd do it, too, wouldn't it?" " Well, yeah, that'd work too, I guess." " Let's haul ass." " OK." "Breaker One." "This is the Bandit." "Is the Snowman out there?" " Am I hitting'ya, son?" " Mercy sakes." "You put about eight and a half on me, blowin' my windows out." "Bring it on." "I'll be within earshot." "You keep it wound up to around 90." " Hey, Bandit." "Me and Fred's got a question." " What do you and Fred want?" "How come we're doing this?" "They said it couldn't be done." " That's the reason." " That's good with Fred!" "10-4." "# Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm westbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "# Keep your foot hard on the pedal, son, never mind them brakes" "# Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make" "# The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana" "# And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes" "# Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm westbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "# Old Smokey's got them ears on" "# He's hot on your trail" "# And he ain't gonna rest till you're in jail" "# So you've got to dodge him you've got to duck him" "# You've got to keep that diesel truckin'" "# Just put that hammer down and give it hell" "Well, hello there, Smokey." "# Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm westbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "# Keep your foot hard on the pedal, son, never mind them brakes" "# Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make" "# The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana" "# And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes" "# Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm westbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "Fred, I hope me and you ain't letting' Bandit talk us into somethin' we gonna be sorry for, son, 'cause he's about as crazy as you are ugly." "# Westbound and down 18 wheels a-rollin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm westbound Just watch ol' Bandit run #" " Big town, ain't it?" " I wonder what they do for excitement." "They probably sit around and watch the cars rust." " Damn it, it's locked." " We're about an hour ahead of schedule." " Let's keep it that way." " All right." "Hey, want a beer?" " Well, son!" " Redneck heaven." " How we gonna load all this stuff, though?" " I'll load it with this." " You can't drive no forklift." " I can drive any forking' thing around." " Get serious!" "Can you drive this thing?" " I am serious." " Crank it up." "Now back it up." " Oh, shut up!" " I said back it up, not raise it up!" " I am backing' up, ya big dumbbell!" "Hold it!" "The beer!" "Watch the beer!" " You all right?" " Very funny Very funny" "I thought it was funny." "Hey, we really oughta pay somebody for that mess we made in there." " All right, have you..." " I got that all worked out." "You just leave a note." "Tell the folks to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette." ""Send... bill... to..." "Big..." "Enos..." "Burdette. "" "Burdette." "B..." "B- e-r..." "B-u-r..." "B..." "Hell, I got to go." "Hey, Spiderman, are you out there?" "Come back." "Snowman!" "How we doin', son?" "Come on back." "Hang on just a minute, and I'll tell ya." "We're about 28 minutes ahead of schedule." " Come back." " I hate to say I told you so." "Don't lose your head, son." "We still got a lot of boogiein' to do." "Put the pedal to the metal." "I'm 10-10 on the side." "For sure." "Me and Fred, we got your back door, ain't we, Fred?" " Sorry." "I don't want to get married." " Terrific." "That makes two of us." " Will you unzip me?" " Sure." " Does this thing move?" " Oh, yeah." "Where are we going?" "No, don't tell me." "Let me guess." " We are a bride in search of a wedding." " No." "There is a wedding in search of a bride." "Let me put it another way." "Think of it as a wedding posse in search of a bride." " You understand that, cowboy?" " Yeah." "What are ya doin'?" " These are my shoes." " Oh, yeah." " And these are my legs." " Yeah." " What are you gonna do with them?" " With the shoes or the legs?" "Last time I saw legs like that, they had a message tied to 'em." "What do you mean?" "These are great little legs." "I'm a professional." "Well, in that case, you shouldn't be dressed in white." " Dancer." " Oh." "Well, cowboys love fat calves." " They're not fat." " They're bigger than mine." " Do we really wanna talk about legs?" " One of us does." "Otherwise we wouldn't have gone..." "What are we doing now?" "Well, I am getting my clothes, you fool." "Good idea." "Why don't you slip into somethin' comfortable?" "Are we really going 110?" "We're going 110!" "Why do you wear that cowboy hat?" "Because you think it looks dazzling on you." "I'd no idea this dress would be so hard to get out of." "Hold up on that car wash, gentlemen." "Come here, son." "Whoops!" "You look tired, boy." "Rest yourself." "You punks look tuckered out, too." "That's an attention-getter." " Now, a lady in a weddin' gown." " Yes, sir." " Get in a car?" " Yes, sir." " See who was drivin'?" " N-no, sir." " Licence plate?" " Y-yes, sir." "Georgia plates." ""Ban-one. "" "B" " A-N dash O-N-E." "All right." "Now, you boys just stay here and watch the car." "There might be some vandals around who wanna steal somethin', so you boys just stay here and keep your hands on the car until one of my associates arrive." "And don't go home, don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself." "It wouldn't look nice on my highway." "Oh, you can think about it, but don't do it." "Hey, man, he's gone." "Let's get outta here." "Shit!" "You do what you want." "I'm stayin' right here." "28 years old and..." "Oh, goodness, what's this?" "I'll tuck it right in." "I was down here dancing in a home appliance show." " I danced around three trash mashers." " Talk to me, my boy." "I had this costume that lit up." "I only short-circuited once." " Where did you get that seat cover, son?" " This ain't no seat cover." " I was standing in the parking lot..." " I'm sitting next to Lawrence of Arabia." "I met this guy..." "These can't be my pants." "God, he was good-looking." " And he had this hat on..." " Funny, ain't she?" "I think he was from Texas or something, and I thought, "Why not marry the guy?"" "Nobody walks out on a pretty wedding' I set up." "I'm gonna get that girl and set everything straight." "She insulted my town." "She insulted my son." " Look, what if we..." " Shut up!" "She insulted my authority." "And that's nothin' but pure and simple old-fashioned Communism." "It happens every time one of those dancers starts poontangin' around... with those show-folk fags." "Halfway down the aisle I said to myself," ""Jesus Christ, what are you doing?" "His mother doesn't even have any teeth!"" "I jumped in this car, and it blew up on the side of the road, and I ended up in this goddamn airplane." "What do you do?" "I don't remember." " Oh, are we on the air?" " Sort of, yeah." "You think I'm... nuts, don't you?" "No, I don't think you're crazy." "I picked up three brides yesterday, just like you, very subdued." "Hey, what... what's goin' on up there?" " Come back, Bandit." " Bandit?" " Is that your name or your profession?" " That's my handle." "Bo's my real name." " What's your name?" " Carrie." "Is she wearing a wedding dress?" "She was." "What's she wearin' now?" "Come back." "Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears?" "Tell me what that woman's got on..." "her mind!" "10-4!" "No coozie's gonna leave me at no church." "Decoratin' up a whole town at a cost of $40." "Right." "I can see her now, runnin' back up that aisle..." "No, she was dancin' back up the aisle, her knockers bouncin' all over the joint." "Let go of that wheel." "Why, her ass was wiggling', too." "Why so fast?" "You're late for a big bowling date?" "Cute." " So, tell me about yourself." " What do you wanna know, my sign?" " What do you do besides drive fast?" " Have fun." " Is this fun?" " Drivin'?" " Driving, talking to me." " They're both a challenge." " You've got a great profile." " Yeah, don't I?" "Especially from the side." "At least we finally agree on something." "Yeah." "We both like half my face." "Hey, would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you?" "Yes, it would." " He's taking a 10-100." " At least it's better than a 10-200." " Smokey." " Smokey." " Is this fun?" " I forgot to tell ya:" "I'm runnin' blocker for 400 cases of illegal Coors." "Holy shit!" "I don't believe this." "Funny, I don't remember that turn." " Bandit, where the hell are you?" " I'll be back on the highway in a second." "All right, good buddy." "I'll keep my eyes peeled." " Them things are fabulous." " I think I just went 10-100." " Well, it's better than 10-200." " That's true." "# Well, the more wheels I got the better I like it." "# I'm the brother of a truck-driving mother boogity, boogity, boogity, boogity. #" " Snowman, you got your ears on?" " You lucky devil, you got him." " Where the hell are you?" " I'm on a two-lane blacktop." "Highway marker number 71." "How's our time doin'?" "Oh, how are we doin' on time?" "About 25 minutes ahead of schedule." " What's your 20?" " I'm about four miles ahead of you, turkey." "Not for long." " Breaker to the Bandit." " Come on back, breaker." "Bandit, I've got a smokey report for you." "Come on." " Well, talk to me, good buddy." " You've got trouble comin'." "Well, what's your handle, son, and, uh, what's your 20?" "My handle's Smokey Bear, and I'm tail-grabbin'your ass right now." "Goddamn." "That's a Texas mountie." "What the hell's he doin' in Arkansas?" "Well, let's just see what he's got under the hood." "Bye-bye, baby!" "You smoke much?" "I just started." " Cledus, you got your ears on, son?" " Oh, bring it on, you lucky devil." " Comin' around you." " Be careful." "You're gonna have to make your own lane, 'cause you definitely got oncoming traffic." "Be careful." "Be careful." "Oh, my..." "Oh, my God!" "I'm about to be killed in this..." "in this moving CB radio show, and I..." "I don't even have a handle!" "You want a handle?" "OK, I'll think one up for ya." "Let's see." " Oh, I got one for ya!" " What?" "Just give me a minute here." "He done good, didn't he, Fred?" "What?" "Frog." " Why?" " 'Cause you're always hoppin' around." "And you're kinda cute like a frog, and..." "I'd like to jump ya." "Nobody..." "Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker." " Except for that..." " Shut your ass." " Break for that, Bandit One." " Yeah, Snowman, come on back." "That was a Texas bubblegum machine on your back door." " A Texas bubblegum machine?" " Yeah, I saw him." "You ain't gonna believe this, but that crazy sombitch tried to drive up under my truck." "What's a Texas county mountie doing in Arkansas?" " I don't know." " I don't know." "I don't know!" " Well, who the hell knows?" " I really don't know." "What we're dealin' with here is a complete lack of respect for the law." "This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice." "I'm in pursuit of a black TransAm." "He's all mine, so stay outta the way." "This is Sheriff George Branford of Deeson County, Arkansas." "We are apprised of the situation and are taking appropriate measures." "Did you say you are a sheriff?" "That's a big 10-4!" "This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Texas!" "Texas?" "You know, of course, that you're out of your jurisdiction." "I suggest that you let my department handle the situation." "That's very comforting', but I'm in a high-speed pursuit." " Don't you hear good?" " I hear perfectly." "The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation." "The goddamn Germans got nothin' to do with it!" " What?" " Shut up!" "One shit at a time!" " What do ya see?" " We lost him." "This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice again." "I lost that TransAm." "Set up a roadblock." " Good idea!" " What the hell you know?" "I believe we have the situation well under control, Sheriff." "Breaker, breaker, lookin' for the Bandit." " You out there, son?" " You got the Bandit." "Come on back." "My handle's Silver-Tongued Devil." "Your fellow CBers are mighty proud of ya out there." "Thank ya, son." "I appreciate it." "Tell me, you comin' up on Fayetteville and Interstate 82?" " We're almost on top of it." " I got a big bad bear story for you there." "I just rolled past a county mountie roadblock." " You ARE a silver-tongued devil." " That's a big 10-4, good buddy." "Well, you keep your wheels spinnin' and the beavers grinnin', then." "I'm out." "Why, thank you, Officer." " Classy guy." " Classy guy." "Did you see that?" "They went right through our roadblock." "You sombitches couldn't close an umbrella." "You know somethin', Sheriff?" "If J.W. Don't get out of my way, I'll pass him." "Where?" "In the woods?" "I don't care if your daddy is the mayor." "You wreck this car, it'll come outta your pay." " Yeah, but he's gettin' away." " Son, he's not goin' anywhere." "The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled for the past six months." "That's not good." "It would be better with a whole bridge." "And that's worse." " Why don't you drop me off?" "I'll catch a cab." " Too late now." "We did it!" "We did it!" "See?" "I didn't wreck it, Sheriff." "We jumped over that bridge!" " Did you see what we did?" " Yes, I did." "I wanna jump something else!" "I wanna jump a house!" "I wanna jump something!" "Well, jump me." " Honest to God, it wasn't my fault!" "I stopped!" " Yeah, right." "Hey, boy, where's Sheriff Branford?" "I am Sheriff Branford." "Oh, hey..." "For some reason or another, you sounded a little taller on radio." "What the hell is the world comin' to?" "Sounds good to me, Tower of Power." "Listen, buddy..." " What channel we on?" " What?" " What channel are we on?" " 11." "Snowman, are you out there?" "I'm doin' what I'm supposed to be doin'." "What are y'all doing, he'n' and she'n'?" " Come back." " Oh, we were playin' a little bridge." " How we been doin'?" " We're losin' minutes, son." "If you don't get up here and run me some interference, we ain't never gonna make it." "I'll drop the dolly off at a choke-and-puke, and then I'll get right back on the job." "All right." "10-4 on that choke-and-puke." " Oh, by the way, Bandit..." " Yeah, guy?" "How 'bout bringing' me a hamburger for Fred?" "I'm beginnin' to worry about him." " He's lookin' a little thin in the skin." " You got 'em." " Choke-and-puke." " Choke-and-puke." " That's where I'll get off?" " Right." "You oughta give up smokin'." "That's bad for your health." "But I enjoy it so much." "I guess you can get your ticket over there." " You got enough money?" " Yeah." "I have enough to get to Jersey, walk the rest of the way." " Hey, thanks." " Oh, it was nothing." " I'll see you around." " Yeah." "Frog?" "You gonna be all right?" "Yeah..." "I'm always all right." "Can I have a couple of cheeseburgers to go and a glass of iced tea?" "How much I owe ya, ma'am?" " A dollar and a half." " Keep the change." "Just keep your eye out for that Mr Bandit bastard!" "Let me have a diablo sandwich, a Dr Pepper." "Make it fast." "I'm in a goddamn hurry." " You want somethin'?" " A hush puppy, Daddy." "We got no time for that crap!" "Dumb sombitch!" " Diablo and Doc." " Thank you, nice lady." " You must be in a hell of a hurry, Sheriff?" " You bet your ass on that, boy." "Oh, you got a little mess there." "Let me help you get that off there..." " Yeah, yeah." "Much obliged." " Yeah." "Who ya chasing'?" "Somebody chasing' you?" "Nobody chasing' me, boy." "I been chasin' a goddamn maniac all the way from Texarkana, Texas." "Really?" "What is he, a bank robber?" "Bank robber?" "Bank robbin' is baby shit alongside of what this dude is doin'." "Almost killed 20 law officers." "Drivin' through people's backyards, knockin' down mailboxes." "He's got a broad in the car, took her across the state line." "That's the Mann Act." "I don't think he's got her permission, and that's kidnapping." " How's that for high jinks?" " Yeah." " What I owe?" " Oh, let me pay for it." " You're an officer of the law." "I'd be honoured." " Much obliged." " Where's the can?" "I gotta take a squirt." " Right back there." "Just used it." "Hey!" "Hey!" "What are you doin' in my car?" " You're goin' the wrong way!" " Oh." " Hang on!" " What the hell are ya doin'?" " Sheriff Justice is in there!" " I know!" "I know!" " Thank you, nice lady." " Sure thing." "Yoo-hoo!" "Sheriff!" "Oh, boy." "Nice ass." "I didn't want to be dumped at any old truck stop." " I wanted to stay with you." " Well, why didn't you ask?" "You might've said no, and I have a hard time handling rejections." "We're gainin' on 'em." "I think it'd be a good idea if we changed places, don't you?" "You be a passenger for a while now." "Up, up..." "I'll just slide right..." " Oh, you got my hair." " Sorry." "I'll slide right under." " Ooh, I don't know." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait!" " I got it." "I got it!" " Wait a minute!" " Wait a minute!" "Hold it!" "I'm stuck here." "This is not workin'." " I got my foot on the..." " Goddamn it!" "I seen it in the movies!" "Oh, my God!" "Duck, or you're gonna be talkin' outta your ass!" " Daddy, the top came off." " No shit" "Snowman!" "How are your vocal cords?" "Well, my vocal cords are fine." "I'm a little worried about Fred now." "He's been gnawing everything, barking' and screamin'." "He's turned into a stalk of bananas." " What's your 20?" " About 16 miles this side of Mississippi." "Whoa, hold it." "I just passed another Kojak with a Kodak." "This place is crawling' with bears." "Where the hell are you?" "Come back." "I'm still tryin' to get rid of that Texas County mountie." "I don't know what the hell he wants." "You know what he wants." "How would you like to be the dude that handcuffs a legend?" "Give me five minutes, we'll put some moves on that mother." "I'll meet ya at Old Miss." "You'd better hurry, or we can just kiss that money goodbye." "Understand?" "I read you loud and clear. 10-4." "You got the one Snowman." "I'm eastbound and down." "We gone, killer." "That's the way I wanna go out." "Hey, man, watch it!" " What the hell was that?" " A left, or half a 'u'." "Well, please don't do it anymore." "Hey, you know who that was?" "Check this out." "Bandit, this here's the Grave Robber." "Put the pedal to the metal, and we'll hold this county mountie as long as we can." " Well, go, girl, go!" " I'm goin'!" "I'm goin'!" "I've got the metal to the pedal, and the thing to the floor..." "Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?" "If they had cremated the son of a bitch," "I could've been kickin' that Mr Bandit's ass around the moon by now." "Hold my hat!" " My hat blew off, Daddy." " I hope your goddamn head was in it." " OK." "We're gonna switch." " OK." "I'm comin' over underneath you." "You just slide right on over." "I think I'm in love with your belt buckle." "Close." "Colourful, but close." "I like this seat better anyway." "Yes, have a smoke." "It seems to help." "Come on, defence!" "Come on, Billy Ray, get tough!" "You know, I wanted to be a high-fashion model once." "But, hell, how long can you model clothes for 8-year-olds?" "Boys." "Besides that, my cheeks were too fat." "These cheeks, these." "Aarghhh!" " Oh, my goodness, we're airborne here." " Jesus Christ!" " Oh, look, a football game!" " There's kids!" "For Christ's sake, watch out!" " Don't hit the kids!" " Get your hands off my wheel!" "Lean to the left, lean to the right..." "Stand up there and see if you can see where the hell they went." " Can you see anything?" " It's a football game." "Can we watch, Daddy?" " You stay and watch." "I'm goin' back!" " But, Daddy..." "# Bandit, you're reckless and you live much too hard #" "Oughta be in Nashville." "Snowman, are ya out there, son?" "What's your 20?" "Where are you?" "I'm at mile marker 85." "Come back." "Son-of-a-gun!" "So am I!" "Well, damned if ya ain't." "Damned if ya ain't." "Cledus..." "This is Frog." "Hello, Frog." "I want you to meet Fred, Frog." " This is for Fred." " Frog, feed Fred." "What's wrong with you?" "You were gonna dump the chick at the truck stop." " I ran into complications." " You always run into complications." "Always the same, some chick." "We ain't doin' good time." " What are we yappin' for?" " It's the chick." " Switch down to the next channel, right?" " Yeah." "Hey, Bandit?" "Nice ass." " Thanks a lot." " Thanks a lot." "All right, Fred." "Come on." "Let's go, boy." "Come on." "Fred, I'm tired of pickin' you up..." "Fred!" " Did Cledus call you a legend?" " Uh-huh." " Why?" " Well, I used to do some crazy things." " I used to." " Oh." "So did I." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "One, two..." "I'm a gypsy... four." "That's someone who goes from chorus line to chorus line... six, seven, eight." " You know, I was on Broadway once." " Really?" " For almost 12 minutes." " Oh." "The show closed the first night." "But, God, I was so good." "You shoulda seen me." "You'd have loved me." "What do you do?" "Straight." "I just go from place to place and... do what I do best." " What's that?" " Show off." "Yeah." "You do do that well." "You do." "So do I. Five, six, seven, eight." " For almost 12 minutes." " Oh, shut up!" "Come here, Fred." "Come here, boy." "Fred, don't you make me come after you." "Get over here, Fred!" "Come here." "I'm in a hurry, and you want to swim." "You're drivin' me crazy, Fred." "What is the matter with you, Fred?" "That's it for you and the truck drivin'!" "Look, I've got to go 10-100." "Could I have a dime?" " Crawl under." " Terrific." ""Crawl under. "" " TransAm!" "What's your pleasure?" " Fill it up, my man." "Gimme that talker." "Hello?" "Mr Bandit?" "Would you just happen to be listenin' out there?" "Can you hear me, boy?" "This is the Bandit." "Who've I got at that end?" "This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Texas." "Well, hot damn." "Welcome to Mississippi, Sheriff." "Thank you, Mr Bandit." "And I got a big welcome waiting' for you when I get you back home, you sombitch!" "Don't you cuss on this here radio." "I apologise to all the friendly folk who are listenin'." "Now hear this, you tick turd:" "I'm gonna get you." "I didn't come all the way this far to go home with empty pockets." "I been meanin' to ask you that." "How come you're followin' me?" "I'd be delighted to tell you, Mr Bandit." "You see, when I get you back home," "I'm gonna find the tallest tree in the country, and then I'm gonna hang you from it." " Sheriff?" " I'm listenin'." "Do the letters F.O. Mean anything to you?" "Smart aleck." "You keep this one for yourself." " Have a smooth ride, Mr Bandit." " Thank you, partner." "Oof!" "Snowman, I'm right beside you." "Looks like we got a clear shot all the way to the 'Bama state line." "Oh, a clear shot?" "I'm gonna believe that when I see it." "This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice putting' out an all-point advisory." "That black TransAm is now headed toward Alabama." "What happened, Daddy?" "Get back in the goddamn car." "You know who I feel has revolutionised the American musical theatre?" " Stephen Sondheim." " Yeah?" " Who's that?" " Stephen Sondheim?" " Does he do a lot of musicals and stuff?" " Yeah." " He ever do anything with Brenda Lee?" " Does she dance?" " She spins." "She's a little spinner." " Oh, they were a good group." " The Spinners were good." "Yeah." " Yeah." "Have you ever been in any plays?" "Holy shit." "We got a lot of company up there." "A lot of company." " Sarge, here he comes." " Yeah, I got eyes." " Are you ready, Roy?" " I was born ready." "Don't just stand there." "Go get him!" " Drives pretty good, don't he, Sarge?" " We'll see about that." " Sarge, you OK?" " You see me movin', don't ya?" " Wanna do a little pond hopping, Frog?" " Uh..." "Swell." "Now, I know you're in a little distress here, but did you see a black TransAm go by?" "He caused all of this, the Bandit." "Ain't he something'?" "The Bandit ain't nothin'." "He's a mental case." "Good shit!" "Banzai!" "I saw that, you sombitch!" "You did that on purpose!" "You're goin' away till you're grey!" "I got the evidence!" "Put the evidence in the car." " But, Daddy..." " Put the evidence in the car!" "I'm gonna barbecue your ass in molasses!" "Put the evidence in the back." "There's no way, no way... that you could come from my loins." "When I get home, the first thing I'm gonna do is punch your mama in the mouth." "I" " I'll be with you in a moment, young man." "Bandit, honey, this is the Good Witch of the North speaking'." "You'd better not come this way." "There's been a little fender bender here on 64." " Snowman, you copy that?" " Yeah, I got a four on that." "That'll work for me, 'cause I need to pull off, suck up a little go-go juice and put some groceries down my neck." "Y'all be careful and I'll catch ya later." " One Snowman." "I'm playin' on the side." " We'll be 10-10 on the side." "Lady, don't you know you're supposed to signal?" "Oh?" "Really?" "# They call you the Bandit" "# An outlaw untamed" "# Shackled only by freedom" "# You wear no man's chain" "We got some time." "You wanna stretch your legs, Frog?" "# Some say they despise you" "# Well, maybe they do" "# But deep down inside them" "# I bet they wish they were you" "Fill her up, hoss." "Come on, Frederick." "Come on, boy, my boy." "Let's go get some of Lamar's greasy spoon." "I'm gonna put you on a diet, Fred." "Mercy." "Come on, Fred." "Come on, boy." "Inside." "Come on, boy." "Lamar, surprise." "Look who's here." " I knew you was comin'." " Hi, Snowman." "What do you mean, you knew I was comin'?" "Lamar, you're rotten to the core, you know that." "About as rotten as that food you've been poisoning' me with..." " How many do you want?" " I don't know." "Fix the same thing." "Just cook the onions this time." " How have you been, Sugar Bear?" " Pretty good." "You, Snowman?" "Oh, pretty good, considering the shape I'm in." "Say hello to Waynette." "Looks like old Fred's gettin' fat." "Yeah, tell me about it." "It damn sure ain't from eatin' the food at this joint." " Tell me about that." " I know it." "By the way, where did you get all them warthogs back there?" "Damn if I know." "They slid in here a little while ago." "I'm gonna slide on out." "Catch you later, Snowman." "Yeah, why don't you just leave me?" "Yes, operator?" "This is a collect call from Cledus Snow." "No, I am not Hank Snow's brother." "No." "Hey, sugarbabe, how you doin'?" " Could I ask you something?" " Sure." "Do you think we have anything in common?" "Besides being chased around the country in that feckuckteh car?" "Yeah." "Like what?" "Have you ever seen the Broadway show Chorus Line?" "No." "You like Elton John?" "No." " Do you know who Casey Tibbs is?" " Baseball player." " Close." "Richard Petty?" " No." " Waylon Jennings?" "No." " No." "When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the United States you're standin' in... as to just how dumb you are." "Mr Bandit, you have a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit." "And you have a unique way with the English language, Miss Frog." "# Bandit steals a lady's heart" "# With only a smile" " Don't you take that hat off for anything?" " Sure." "I take it off for one thing, and one thing only." "# And you live much too hard" "# Bandit, you're the joker" " If we were lost on a desert island together..." " Yes?" "Do you think we'd get along and talk and... things?" "Sure." "Yeah, we'd get along." "It'd never be boring, I can tell you that." "It would never be boring." "Take your hat off." "If you want to." "# They call you the Bandit" "I want to." "# They call you the Bandit" "# They call you the Bandit... #" " No." "Honey, we'll be home in a little while." " Hey!" "Is this your goddamn mutt?" "Honey, I got..." "I gotta go." "Yeah, I gotta go..." "Bye." " Yeah, that's my dog." "Yeah." " Well, he just bit me." " Fred!" "Come here, Fred." " I said..." "He just bit me." " Put the son of a bitch out of his misery." " Let's roast him." " That's not a bad idea." " Eat him." "I don't think Fred bit you, mister." "Fred absolutely don't like grease." "Gearjammer, huh?" "King of the road, huh?" " It's time to get out." " That's a big 10-4." "How much do I owe you, Billy?" " 73... 84." " Never mind, just keep the change." "Sorry what happened, Snowman." "It's OK, Lamar." "Far out." "What the hell is this, a drive-in movie?" "Get off of there, you schnauzer's tit!" " How do, Officer." "My name's..." " I don't care if it's Broderick Crawford." "Don't you know you can't drive a piece of shit like that on the highway?" "I'll thank you not to use that kind of language in my presence." "Never mind that crap." "What the hell is this?" " This is evidence." " Evidence?" "I don't care what it is." "You can't drive this piece of shit on my highway." "I'm tellin' you for the last time." "I have my young son in the car, and I don't wanna hear that kinda language." " Look!" "I'm askin' you one single, goddamn..." " Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Don't you ever, ever raise your voice to me!" "Do you know who you're talkin' to?" "I happen to be Buford T. Justice, a distinguished officer of over 30 years' seniority!" "One of the most highly respected law-enforcement agents... in the United States of America." "That vehicle happens to be evidence, valuable evidence, that's going to convict a maniac that I've been tryin' to apprehend and that I have been in high-speed pursuit of for 700 miles." "He is wanted for the Mann Act, kidnappin' and the attempted murder of over 20 brother officers." "Sir, I'm sorry." "I had no idea." "It never occurred to me..." "Well, please, sir, you proceed immediately, and..." "I hope you'll accept my apologies for my profanity." "Apology accepted." "Now..." "How about you, Bandit?" "You copy this Snowman?" "Come on." "I got ya, son." "Come on back." "You ain't gonna believe this, but I just did my imitation of Joe Palooka." "I went a few rounds with some dudes at this eat-'em-up joint." "Oh, I believe anything you tell me." "How'd ya do, same as always?" "Yeah, about normal." "I lost." "We also lost a lot of valuable time." "We gonna really have to cook." " Is that a 10-4?" " That's a big 10-4." "Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly." "We were together... eight and a half days." "God, I really thought that was it." "And?" "One day I came home and found him in the shower with a girl..." "and her mother!" "Well, at least he kept it in the family." "You have a wonderful way of putting things." " So did he." " Oh, yes." "Breaker one-nine." "This is the Bandit." "I'm lookin' for a west-bounder on highway 85." "I need a smokey report, and I need it bad, son." "This is Foxy Lady, Bandit." "We heard you were comin' by, and we decided we'd take care of those bears for you." " You know, a little "personalised service"." " Send me the bill, Foxy Lady." "Better yet, why don't you come by and pay up in person?" "I'll catch you on the flip side, darlin'." "I'm too pooped to pop." " Daddy, listen." " Shut up!" "But I'm just ahead of you." "I'm at mile marker 86." "Come on by, Bandit." "All right, you talked me into it." "Now I got that sombitch, and I got him with his fly open." " What do we do when we get home?" " Go to bed." "For a week." "Good idea." " And sleep." " Wanna bet?" "Orville, you seen that new waitress at the diner, Arlene?" " She's got some nice legs." " I'd like to take a run on her." " Oh, man, what are you talkin' about?" " I'm tellin' ya." "Let me tell you somethin' about that." "She makes herself..." " Feel lucky?" " Let's get him." "This is car four." "We're in pursuit of the black TransAm." "It's the Bandit." "# Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run #" "Oh, shit." "Breaker one-nine." "Breaker one-nine." "I see a portable gas station ahead of me." "Do you copy?" "Is this Bandit?" "This is Mr B., gearjammin' this rolling' refinery." "You got a smokey?" "This is the Bandit, son." "Can we slide right into your convoy there?" "Come ahead, Bandit." "We'll slip you into the rockin' chair, play a little hide-and-seek." "The welcome mat is out, and you're comin' home." "10-4." " We're going in the rocking chair, honey." " Good." "Trucks, I love 'em." "I love 'em." "This is not a convoy." "This is a dream." " They can see right down into this car!" " Well, so what?" "That's why I used to love to drive those trucks, darlin'." "Spot those beavers." " Safe as in your mother's womb, darlin'." " Is that right?" "# Son, never mind them brakes" "# Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make" "# The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana" "# And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes" "# Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "# Old Smokey's got them ears on he's hot on your trail" "# He ain't gonna rest till you're in jail" "# So you gotta dodge him you gotta duck him" "# You gotta keep that diesel truckin'" "# Just put that hammer down and give it hell #" "Thank you, Mr B. I don't know how to thank ya." "You can thank me by not gettin' caught." "Have a good day and a better one tomorrow, good buddy." "Hey, Bandit, this is Little Beaver." "Put your foot on the floor." "We got your back door, and I'm clear." "That's a 10-4." "Snowman, you got your ears on, son?" "You've got him, you lucky devil." "You're about to come up on a convoy." "Keep your rubber band stretched real tight." "10-4, 10-4." "I'm bringin' it, son." "I'm clear." "# Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "# Keep your foot hard on the pedal, son, never mind them brakes" "# Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make" "# The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana" "# And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes" "# Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run #" "I don't care if you're the Governor of Texas." "You're makin' a big mistake." "Read him his rights, Junior." "You have the right to remain silent." "Anything you say may be held against you in a court of law." "And..." "What's all this about?" "Oh, hello, Officer!" "Glad you're here to assist me." "My name is Sheriff Buford T. Justice." "I have just apprehended the Bandit." "No, sir." "You just apprehended my captain." " Take the cuffs off, Junior." " But, Daddy, we just..." "Take the cuffs off, you moose twit." "May I express my feelings about inconveniencing you..." "But if you gonna hang out in these kinda joints... wear a badge on your didie." "Oh, no." "Hey, Bandit." "Listen to this." "You know who that is?" "That's Mr Evel Knievel." "He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'." "Give me a hand, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble." " Please roger that transmission." " Hold on to Fred." "Here comes the cavalry." " Howdy, Officer." " How ya doin'?" "Give me your licence and manifest, boy." "You know you was goin' 96 miles an hour?" " I was doin' 96..." " You're damn right, you was." "I didn't know this truck could do 96." "The judge gets to you, he's gonna turn you every way but loose." "It's time you truckers learn these roads don't belong to you." "You be careful, you hear?" " Whoa." "Want a little piece of advice, Bandit?" " Yeah." "Lay it on me, son." "Don't take your foot off of that hammer." "Them bears'll pour over you like maple syrup." " You all right?" " Yeah." " Don't you know this ain't Saturday?" " Thanks a lot." "We don't need assistance." "I've got him in my sights." "Headquarters, disregard my last transmission." "Son... you reckon you can let me off at the next exit?" " Go get your daddy a beer." " OK." "...I understand every cop in the state's after him." " Stay 10-10." "I'll let you know." " That's a big 10-4." "Damn, he's been stirring up some trouble." "Ooh, it's the Bandit!" "I'm Hot To Trot." "Just tell me how I can help and I'm with ya, body and soul." " Channel clear." " Breaker one-nine, breaker one-nine." "Is that Hot Pants Hilliard yakkin' out there?" " And who wants to know?" " This is the Bandit, darling." "Well, where are you, you bodied-up, smooth-talkin' thing?" "And how can I help?" "Bring it back." "You still workin' at that choke-and-puke on West 85?" "Affirmative, affirmative." "I'm still dishing' it out." "We'll come screaming' by in five minutes with a herd of smokeys on our ass." "How 'bout gettin' those pallies of yours out there, block 'em off?" "Love to!" "But hey, you're gonna owe me one." " I owe you a big one." " That's a big 10-4." "10-4." "All right, gang, we're gonna go for a big smokey red 22." "Wahoo!" " Ride with me?" " Yeah." " You sure we ain't gonna get in trouble?" " Nah." "I've done it before." " We're comin' at you, darlin'." "Are you ready?" " Ready, willing' and able." ""Ready and willing. " Ha." "She always was." "OK, gang, be alert, 'cause here he comes." " Well, go ahead and answer." " 10-4, Hot Pants." "We copy." "Let go of the button." "Paydirt." "I just picked up the Bandit eastbound on 95." "All units converge." "I copy, Chopper One." "I'm on my way." "Heading for the fairgrounds!" "This is car 12, Bobby Lee, and I have him westbound on 75." " Cledus, where the hell are we?" " Four miles to go, good buddy." " Four miles." "Goddamn it!" " Four miles..." "Bo, did you count on this?" "I mean, all of this?" "No, I didn't, honey." " Cledus?" " Talk to me, my boy." "Goddamn it, son, we gave it our best shot." "I don't like this any more than you do, but..." "We ain't gonna make it, son." "We're gonna hang it up." "Whoa, negatory, negatory!" "You crazy or somethin'?" "We come this far, ain't we?" "When we say we gonna do a job, we do a job!" "It's me they're after." "They don't even know Cledus Snow exists." "Oh, they don't?" "Well, I'll tell you what we gonna do." "We gonna introduce 'em to the boy." "So move over, good buddy, 'cause the Snowman is comin' through." "Hold on to your ass, Fred." "Hot damn, we're gonna make it." "Move them vehicles." "We gotta get through!" "Here they come!" "Daddy, you're about to have your evenin' ruined for you." " OK." " All right." " We're in trouble." " I know we're in trouble." " What time is it?" " One minute after." " Goddamn, we're 10 minutes early." " We're in trouble!" "We need a way out of here." "We need the money." "Here's my Cadillac." "That'll leave me with an even dozen." "Good luck, son." " Cledus, get the money." " How 'bout the money?" " How 'bout double or nothin'?" " How 'bout forgetting' it?" "What about double or nothin'?" "You run up to Boston, bring back some clam chowder." " You're on." " Uh, you're on." " In 18 hours?" " You're still on." "Y- y-you're crazy!" "And I'm divorced!" "And you..." "Ain't half bad, is it?" "20 to one I break the son of a bitch this time." "Gimme 500 on the Bandit." "Apprehend that horse ass for reckless drivin'!" " But, Daddy, he's..." " Do what I tell you, you pile of monkey nuts!" "Sheriff Buford T. Justice, please." " Who there?" " This is Bandit Darville talkin'." "Where are you, you sombitch?" "Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say." "You must be part coon dog, 'cause I been chased by the best of 'em, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion." " I just wanna say that." " Well, thank you, Mr Bandit." "And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I ever pursued." "Now that the mutual bullshit is over, where are you, you sombitch?" "I'm right down at the bottom of the hill." "I'm six-foot-eight, in a cowboy outfit." "I got a little pygmy standing beside me dressed like me." "You can't miss me." "10-4." "Wait a minute." "Scratch that." "Hold it." "I can't lie to you, Sheriff." "You're too good a man." "Look over your left shoulder." "Oof." "We're on our way to Boston to get some clam chowder." "Bye-bye." " No hard feelings, Junior!" " I'm not givin' up!" "I'm never gonna give up!" "I'll get you, you sombitch!" "Daddy, wait for me!" "Don't leave me!" "Who's gonna hold your hat?" "# Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go And a short time to get there" "# I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "# Keep your foot hard on the pedal, son, never mind them brakes" "# Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make" "# Those boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana" "# And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes" "# Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run" "# Old Smokey's got them ears on he's hot on your trail" "# He ain't gonna rest till you're in jail" "# So you got to dodge him you got to duck him" "# You've got to keep that diesel truckin'" "# Just put that hammer down and give it hell" "# Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin'" "# We gonna do what they say can't be done" "# We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there" "# I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run #"