" Good morning, ladies!" " Oh, uh, lad-ladies!" "Ladies, it's all right!" "This is our carpenter, Nick Francis!" "He did the lovely work on the altar!" "Yes, your work in the church is excellent, Nick." "But couldn't you be a little more..." " Oh, that's what you get for hiring a confirmed sinner, Father." " Well, look, at least try not to scare away any of the other parishioners." "Hmm?" " Maybe, yeah." " And, uh, this might be a good time for you to start work on that confessional." " Over there?" "Oh, that one." "Sorry." "Come on." " l have a sin to confess." " But I'm not-  lt's an emergency!" " But actually I'm not-  lf l don't get some advice right away, I'm going to commit a horrible, unforgivable act that really could ruin the life of a wonderful person." "And maybe mine too." " Wait, you shouldn't be talking to me" " Oh, my gosh, you can tell I'm not a Catholic." "But I just need to tell someone about my  erotic fantasies." " Your what?" " Erotic fantasies." " Please continue, my child." " l have these... urges for men." " Yes?" " Well, just today I..." "I saw this guy and I wanted to... wh-wh-whoa, I cannot tell a priest that." " Well, if it helps to bring you peace to share every detail, please don't hold anything back, my... child." "And you have these urges for every man you see?" " Practically." " Hoo..." "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to leave... right now." "The... the etiquette of a confessional is for the priest to leave first, so if you just hold on for one minute." " No!" "Please!" "Please don't go!" "I just..." "I need help!" " Help comes in mysterious ways." "Something may happen in the very near future to alleviate your torment." " But I haven't even told you the most shocking part yet." " Perhaps I could stay a little longer." " l'm getting married in three days." "My fiance, Andre, is a Catholic." "He does not believe in sex before marriage." "Mm, no!" "Oh, I guess you don't either." "But I'm really sick of waiting." " But you say your... wedding is in three days?" "Three days when, in theory, you could have wild sex with the next man you meet?" " Well, in theory, yes." "But, you see, that's the problem." "I mean, I'm not... fantasizing about Andre." "I'm about to pledge that I will spend the rest of my life with one man, sleep with one man for the rest of my life!" "And I see these other guys and I just can't help thinking," "Gee, I wonder what it would be like with him." "Or him." "Or him." " Mm-mm." "It's understandable." " No, no, it's not. lt's a sin!" " l don't know." "Sin's a bit of a strong word." " Lust!" " Oh, Christ Almi-i-i - l mean I have to go." "I have to go." " We-we haven't finished." "You know, maybe you could give me your phone number and we could discuss this further over a drink... coffee, obviously." "Tea." " l couldn't impose on you." " impose." " Thank you I..." "I feel better already." "You know?" "Huh." "I think I'll be strong enough now." "For our wedding night." " Come on, Vanessa." "You're not entering a nunnery, you're finally getting laid." " l know." "I just don't want him to think I'm the kind of woman..." " You don't think she's going to proposition that guy, do you?" " No..." " No." " Uh, excuse me." "There was a priest here a while ago." "Do you know when he'll be back?" " Uh.." "Actually, I..." " Uh... lt was you." "I recognize your accent." " Oh, you must be wondering why a priest is dressed like this." "Uh, well, it's to do with our Attract Teenagers to the Church outreach campaign." "You should see the Monsignor's purple hair." " What a great idea." "Um, I'm the one with the, uh..." "lust problem." " Yes." "Yes, yes." " l know you're busy, but you said you might be able to provide further counselling." " Yes, I believe I can be of service to you." " You have no idea how happy that makes me." " Me too. ln fact, I'm willing to work at it until you find complete relief." "Even if it means working the entire three days." "And nights." " You're almost a saint." " Why don't I come round to your place tonight?" " That would be fantastic." "I live at..." "You make house calls - that's great." "I live at 325 Prince Avenue." " Nine o'clock." " l don't know if I can last that long." " Let's make it seven." " Great." " How do I look?" "I've got a hot date tonight." " That outfit could be a bit of a turn-off." " l dunno, I think black suits me." "I like the way it says, "Trust me."" " lt also says, "One hell of a hard lay."" " You know, the most beautiful, sexiest girl I've ever seen told me she's desperate for sex and then invited me round to her place." " That sounds too good to be true." " Yeah, well, she does think I'm a priest." " Ah." " But I don't think that's a problem." " You don't." " The fact she's getting married in three days could be." " Could be." " But... if I sleep with her, I'll actually be doing her a favour." " Sleeping with a woman who thinks you're a priest and is about to get married is doing her a favour." " lt's obvious." " lt's obvious!" " l'm perfectly happy with a one-night stand." " Yeah, a one-night stand always makes a woman happy." " She can have her final fling with me, acting out all her wild sexual fantasies," "You know..." "I don't mind." " You don't mind." " Oh, she'll get it out of her system, and then live happily ever after." " That almost makes sense." " Hmm... I just wish I had one of those Pope hats." "You know?" "What do you think - pants on, or off?" " No, Mom, I cannot have this conversation with you right now." "Come in!" "You're being unreasonable." "I have to hang up." "Bye." "Father Nick." "I still can't believe you would give up your evening to come and talk to me." " Well, they don't call us self-sacrificing for nothing." "Now, where should we start?" " Come in." "Can I offer you a drink?" "Oh, wait - l guess you don't..." "except on Sunday." " Let's just get straight to those lustful thoughts." "Now, I've found with my many parishioners that a little physical contact makes them feel less alone." " Yes, that is comforting." "Very comforting." " Perhaps you could move the burden from your small shoulders onto mine if you speak openly about your fantasies, holding absolutely nothing back." "I mean, give me the details." " This is so embarrassing." " Well, a doctor can't make you better unless you tell him your symptoms." "Right?" " Okay, well... like I was saying before, I'll... see a guy and I'll just want to" " Tear off his clothes with your teeth?" " Yes." "Yes, there's that." "Then I... then we're both" " Naked?" " And then, uh" " And then..." " And then..." " And... then..." " My engagement ring." " Can you see it?" " Almost..." " C'mere." "l-l think I've got it." " My ring." " Oh... sorry." "Yes." " Surprise?" " But now these gifts are especially for your honeymoon." " Thank you." " So sexy." " You look a lot like a guy my roommate used to date." "I never met him - she showed me snapshots." "Her name is Liz Appleton." " His name is even Nick!" " Well, you know, as the Bible famously says, small world, isn't it?" " l didn't know that was from the Bible." " Hmm?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "Corinthians, 7:1 1 ." ""Thus begat a world of smallness."" " Yeah, she said they had sex all the time." "This guy was, like, so hot." " Maggie!" " lt's fine." "Talk as if I weren't here." "It's your party." "What else did she say about him?" " Actually, he dumped her for her best friend." " What a creep." " Yeah, an absolute scumbag." " Maybe he didn't know the other woman was her best friend." "I mean, that could've been incredibly bad luck." "You meet someone in a bar, you don't say," ""Oh, can I have a list of all your best friends in case I'm sleeping with one of them."" "No..." "And maybe... the relationship wasn't going well, except the physical side." "Maybe the poor guy was..." "just looking for love." "Aren't we all just... looking for love?" "Well, maybe not all of us." " Who wants cake?" " Mm, cracking Beaujolais." " Bye" " Are you sure he's not just some cute guy that you dressed up as a priest so Andre wouldn't get suspicious?" " He's an angel." "Go home." "Bye." " lf you leave the church..." "my number." " Did you write these books?" " Yes." "God, I feel so guilty." "If Andre knew, he would be crushed." " Oh, I don't know, we're all human." "He's probably having the same fantasies himself." " Oh, no!" "Not Andre." "He's incredibly moral," "Not to mention generous and kind and smart and" " No one's that good." " Andre is." " Well, you're obviously in some sort of denial." " Excuse me." " He's probably some sunken-chested, snivelling little rat, not to mention seriously undersexed." "Probably about four-foot tall, no brains..." " Hello!" "I'm Andre Reid." " Nick Francis." "Father Nick Francis." " Father Nick has been giving me some spiritual counselling before the wedding." " Oh, that's wonderful." "What church are you with?" " Oh, I would say a priest is with all churches, in a profound sense." " Uh..." "I met him at St. Andrew's." " Oh, the cathedral downtown." "I've never been there." " Good - it's a good church." "Fine." "Very holy." " Where did you study?" " Pardon?" " Uh, where did you study?" " Oh..." "l-l've..." "I've taken a vow of silence about that." " Excuse me?" " Well, I did rather well at priest school, and it was a very prestigious one, so as an act of modesty, I vowed never to tell anyone where l studied." " l've never heard of anything like that." " Well, you know, I like to keep my spiritual standards as high as possible." "Not this newfangled, holy-means, playing-Kumbaya-on-the-guitar." "No, no, I'm much more of a... nail-me-up-on-the-cross kind of guy!" "Mm..." " Wow." " That's great." "Hey, I, uh... just wanted to thank you for helping me." " Oh, I didn't help you as much as I wanted to, Vanessa." "I..." "I had such high hopes." " Well, I guess the important thing is, I can make it to my wedding day without sleeping with another guy, so we've achieved our goal, Right?" " Yeah." " Would you... would you come to the rehearsal tomorrow?" " l don't know, I have other, uh  parishioners." " Of course. I'm being selfish." "I just thought that if I did have any... last-minute pangs of..." "lust, you would be there for me?" " Maybe I can free up my schedule." " You try and be holy." "It's not easy." "Another tequila, please." " There's a lot of honeys out there." "Are you sure this one's worth so much effort?" " She's... beautiful." "So horny!" " She must have some faults." " No." "Not that I've noticed." " See that blonde?" "I'll bet she's better than Vanessa." " Not even close." "Vanessa's got this special quality." "I've never understood the word "radiant" before." " But the blonde isn't getting married in three days." " Father Nick!" "Welcome to my house." " lt's, uh... it's big." " Well, when Bill Gates told me my software idea was the most brilliant thing he'd ever seen, I had to do something with all the money, huh?" "Oh, do you know Father Edward?" "Come." "This is Father Nick, the priest I was telling you about." " Yes, yes, Andre mentioned that you're at St. Andrew's." "I know Father James there very well." " Oh!" " Oh, my goodness." "Oh, my..." "I've just remembered, I have another appointment." "I have a funeral!" "Yes!" "Good job I'm wearing black!" "I must run." " Father Nick?" "Father Nick?" "Hi." "Could you come upstairs for a minute?" " l need the last rites." " There's another priest downstairs." " You're not dying, Mom." " My heart. lt's fading away." "Beat." "Beat." "Beat." "Please, Father... the last rites." " We're not even Catholic!" " You know why I'm dying?" "My daughter drove a stake into my heart!" " l did not!" "We really need some emergency family counselling here." " Yes, actually, uh, my specialty is pre-marital counselling." " You have a specialty?" " Yes." " Everyone's waiting." "Oh, who's giving the bride away?" " l don't have anyone." " Oh!" "Father Nick can do it." "Father..." "Right?" " Would you?" " Well..." " l'd be so grateful." " Do you know what?" "I would love to." " l used to think about my wedding day when I was little, walking down the aisle on my father's arm." " Are you all right?" " Yeah." "Just happy..." "I guess." "At least I've got you." "I can't believe we just met yesterday." "I feel like I can tell you anything." "It's because you're a priest, I guess." " Ahem." " Father, I..." "I think I'm supposed to be standing there." " Oh, sorry." "Yes!" " Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join in holy-  l can't do this!" " Probably for the best." " The wedding is off!" "No more wedding!" "Wedding's bad." " There... there must be a reason." " l'm the wrong person, that's the reason." "My girlfriends are wonderful people, maybe you should propose to one of them." " Okay, okay, w-w-wait here, wait here." " lt's not like that purple satin bridesmaid dress won't come in handy." " l just don't understand it." "I mean, they seem like the perfect couple." "Don't you think so, Father Nick?" " Who knows?" "Hmm?" "Who knows?" "The human heart is full of surprises." " Father Nick." " l thought maybe Father Nick could help." " Andre, I want to tell you something." " Oh, no, no, no, I can explain everything." " l want to elope." "Now." "I love you." " l love you." " Uh, are you sure about this?" " Positive." " Well, you've obviously been having second thoughts about this man." " Not about Andre, about me." " Well, this is a little unusual, but if it's what the bride and groom want." " lt is." " Uh, Father, is there a phone I could use?" " Yes, right through there." "Oh, yes, the marriage, yes." "Well, we'll get right on it here." "We'll, uh... we'll, uh..." "Have you got the rings?" " Hello." " Steve, I've done something stupid." " l know." "You've disguised yourself as a priest to trick a woman into sleeping with you." " No, no, no, it's worse than that." " Worse?" " l've fallen in love with her." "We were standing in front of the priest, and it was like suddenly I wanted him to say," ""Do you, Nick Francis, take this woman?"" "And then her fiance pushed me aside as if I meant absolutely nothing." " Nick Francis in love." "Are you sure about this?" " l'm sure." " Well, at least it was only the wedding rehearsal." "You still got two days to break up her engagement." " No." "She's getting married right now." " l guess you lost this one, buddy." "Tough break." " Let me talk to him." "I've been in the exact same situation!" " l wouldn't have thought it was that common." " Forty years ago, I fell in love with a beautiful woman." " Wh-wh-who are you?" " She was engaged to someone else." " Did she think you were a priest?" " Maybe not the exact same situation, but similar." "The night before the wedding, I decided honesty was the best policy." "I told her my true feelings." "She called off the wedding, married me instead." " Huh." " Honesty." "Now there's a thought." " That's beautiful." "So everything turned out great." " No." "Her fiance bought a shotgun, tried to kill me!" "My leg still hurts on rainy days." "And the lying bitch was frigid!" " Nick!" "Nick, are you still there?" " Honesty is the best policy." "Andre, can I have a word in private, please?" " Why, Father?" " The younger priests have a whole new way." "It's a new generation." " Ah." " Hands on." " Right." " Um, so, Andre, um... there's something I'd like to speak to you about." "Uh..." "Andre, you can't marry Vanessa." " Why not?" " Uh.., I can't tell you." " l'm confused, Father." "Wh-wh-why can't you tell me?" " Because..." "she confided the reason to me in the sanctity of the confessional and my lips are sealed." "So I think the best solution to this little problem is for you to trust me, call off the wedding, and don't tell her that I said anything." " l'm sure if it's important, Vanessa will tell me herself." " Let's play charades!" " Charades?" " Charades." "That way, I wouldn't be telling you anything." " Father, I've never heard of anything like this." " l just think as a priest, sometimes, it's better for me to put the greater good ahead of a little, teensy-weensy, little bit of a good!" " But the sanctity of the confessional, Fath..." "Six words." "First word." "Uh... uh..." "Uh, you're, uh, riding a bicycle." "Uh, you're swinging a rope." "You're, uh, swinging..." "You're... you're slapping somebody!" "You're wiggling..." "Father, I... I don't know what..." "You're kissing the air, you're, uh, kissing the air..." "Um, you're..." "Ooh-ooh, oh... you're looking at your fingernails!" "Fingernails..." "You're nearsighted." "Farsighted." "Dancing." "You're Hawaii, from Hawaii." "Hawaii?" "No?" "Uh..." "Okay, opposite." "Opposite..." "Uh, boxing." "Boxing, boxing..." "Uh..." "You're very, uh..." "You're strong, you're strong!" "You're, uh, strong." "You're spitting..." "You're very manly, very man..." "Man!" "You're a man." "You're a man." "Opposite - woman." "You're a woman." "A woman... a small woman." "You're a woman..." "You're a she." "She." "She!" "She..." "Two words." "Second word, yes." "Uh, sounds like..." "Sounds like..." "Uh, you're crawling on the ground." "You're crawling on the ground..." "You're a dog, you're a dog spinning... chasing his tail You're..." "You're playing the piano..." "Oh, you're being eaten alive by..." "You've got ants on you!" "Ants!" "ANTS!" "Ants..." "You've got ants, sounds like ants..." "Went." "She went..." "She w... wants." "She wants..." "Third word." "Two... two, two." "Two." "Two." "She wants to..." "To..." "Fourth word." "Second... two syllables." "First syllable..." "She wants to..." "Um, you're like..." "Oh, you're like a mother kissing the baby." "Kissing..." "Kissing the baby." "No." "She wants to fly" "She wants to fly..." "She's a... a fairy." "She's a... she's eating candle wax." "She wants to..." "Eating candle wax... she's..." "You're a Japanese airplane?" "A fly!" "She wants to fly..." "No." "She wants to fly... she wants to fly..." "she wants to..." "Ah!" "She wants to..." "A bee!" "She wants to be..." "Oh, she wants to be." "She wants to be..." "Two." "Yeah, second syllable." "Uh..." "She wants to be..." "Father, I hate to say it, but it looks an awful lot like a... an org..." "Aha-ha-ha-ha!" " Ha-ha-ha!" " She wants to become!" "Fifth word." "A." "She wants to become a..." "Sixth word." "Final word." "Final word...!" "She wants to become..." "She wants to become an egg!" "There's a fly around her head." "She's..." "No, she wants to become a holy person." "She wants to become... the world." "Opposite." "Opposite..." "She's, uh..." "You're showing... your bum, you're showing your bum to people Oh, you're lifting..." "You're a stripper?" "You're a stripper... you're a..." "Opposite of a stripper." "Opposite of a stripper." "You put your clothes on." "You put your clothes on and pray." "You pray..." " Ohm..." " You're a Buddhist monk." "You're a fat Buddhist monk." "Jesus." "Uh..." "A nun!" " Yes!" " She wants to become..." "She wants to become a nun?" " l've been ditched." " Ditched is such a harsh word." "Why don't you think of it as being set free." " He won't even tell me why." " Well, you wouldn't tell him why you called off the wedding earlier today." " l was too ashamed." " So it was the lust problem." " Mm." "It's bigger than you realize." "My family has... hereditary lust." "It's in the genes." " Your mother seems to have it under control." " My father." " l thought he'd passed away." " My mom kicked him out six months ago." "He had a wandering eye... hands..." "other things." " And you think you've got the same problem." " Yes." "But with your help, I do think I could make a marriage work." " Mm... it's only been 24 hours." " You're right." "I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer." " Have you considered the possibility that God was trying to give you a message?" " God wanted me to have an affair right before my wedding?" "That seems unlikely." " Maybe he was trying to tell you that Andre is the wrong man." "Maybe, somehow, this whole thing was a way for God," "Fate, call it what you will, to get you to meet the right man under amazing circumstances, circumstances that you will look back on one day, laugh about, telling your grandchildren..." "Vanessa?" " Father Edward explained to me that it's very common, when people are first exposed to a new religion, to get a little carried away." "He assured me that Vanessa's case is nothing more than that." "I was so relieved." " Mm, I'm sure you were." " Although you were wrong on this one, I really appreciate your concern." "You're a credit to that collar, Father Nick." "You will be at the wedding the day after tomorrow, won't you?" " Father, are you all right?" " l'm fine!" " Would you like me to get a doctor?" " No!" " But if you're suffering!" " l'm not suffering!" " Ah, maybe this is a test." "Maybe God is trying to find out if I'm as worthy as the Good Samaritan." " lt's not a test, okay!" " lf l leave you, I could be dooming myself to eternity in hell!" " Bless you - now fuck off!" " HEY!" "THERE'S A SICK PRIEST HERE!" "Right here!" "He wasn't gonna..." "THE PRIEST!" "HE COULD BE DYING!" " Hi, Mom." " You'll never give me grandchildren." "I might have seen this coming if we were Catholic." " What are you wearing?" "!" " l was going to fix you up with Mrs. Layton's niece." "She's lovely." "But not if it's going to cost you your career." " That's why I'm doing this!" " This has something to do with Mrs. Layton's niece?" " No!" "I'm doing it because I'm in love." "She's getting married in two days." " So you're a priest and getting married in two days?" " No, she's marrying someone else." " You've lost your mind." "My son has lost his mind!" "On the bright side, I might get grandchildren after all." "Of course they might need a little remedial schooling." " Mom, I will give you grandchildren someday." " The men you date, I don't want to see what evil spawn they'd breed." " l haven't lost my mind." "I met the perfect woman." "She's beautiful and so hor" " She's a whore?" "!" "And she's a thing for priests?" "Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's sick!" " She's not a whore!" "She's bright and funny and..." "What's the point?" "I've lost her." " Tell me, Sandy." "Was it something I did?" " Yeah, Mom." "It was everything you did." " Something wrong, Nick?" " Uh, no." "I'm just destined for a life of misery." " Ah..." "Romantic troubles, hmm?" " Have you ever lied to a woman to try and get her into bed and it all kind of backfired and you...?" "No, I guess not." " And just how did it backfire?" " l fell in love with her." "But now, even though she's marrying another man, I..." "I don't know how to tell her that I love her." "She thinks I'm somebody else." " Well... what kind of a lie did you tell her?" " Oh, let's change the subject, Father." " Oh, now, come on, Nick." "Now, come on." "It can't be all that horrible." "What did you do, suggest you have a lot of money, a big car, a really impressive job?" " Mm..." "Uh, the last one." " Well, now, you have nothing to be ashamed of." "You are an artist" "Now, the parishioners are really raving about your work." " Thank you." "Thanks, Father James." " Hmm-hmm." " l was so afraid I wouldn't find you." " l'm going to go and take my coffee break now." " Uh... hello." "I'm Father James." " Hi." "Vanessa Sinclair." "Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " l have to ask you something." "It's about my wedding." " Vanessa, me and Father James have a little business to finish up." "If you could wait one minute?" " You must be the woman that Nick has been telling me about." "Now, uh... I don't think you know the whole truth about this young man." " Why don't we do this sometime next week?" "Do the brunch thing." "And..." "I'm really busy today." " l'm going to come right out and say it." "Now, whatever he may have led you to believe, the truth about Nick..." "He's the finest carpenter I've ever known." " Carpenter?" " Yes." "And think what that means." "He can take a rough piece of wood - something most people would walk past without ever noticing - and then he shapes it into an object of great beauty that brings joy to the rest of the world." " l understand now." "Jesus was a carpenter." " Uh... that's true." " And we're all just rough pieces of wood, until God and the Church shape us into beautiful works of art." " Wha...?" "Uh-uh-uh..." "Why, yes." " And so you're right." "Our friend here is a wonderful carpenter." " l had never thought of priests as being like carpenters before." " Father James - always a sucker for a metaphor." " l have to confess, I came here to ask you a favour." " Great." "Whatever - l'll do it." " You're such an incredible person." "I haven't even told you what it is yet!" "I want my father to give me away at the wedding, even if my mother never speaks to me again." "I mean, I know what he did, but he's still my dad." "The thing is... I'm kind of scared of going over there alone." "Would you mind wearing your priest clothes?" "He might be more apt to listening to somebody who looks like a spiritual authority." " Actually... they're at home..." " Great!" "I'd love to see where you live." " Great!" " This is not what I expected." " Research." " Research?" " l spend most of my nights reading the Bible." "You know, "Jesus wept." But I can't do my job well if I lose touch with the life of the average sinner." " l guess that makes sense." " l get so tired, though - all that raunchy rock music and X-rated videos." "But as I said, the name of the game is self-sacrifice." " You're nothing like I expected a priest would be." " l hope that's a compliment." "I'll get my robes." " They're in their special place of honour." "Of course." " lt's great to be with you." " lt's great to be with you, too." " l mean, with you, I can be honest." "Most guys would take advantage of the situation if they... knew how I just wanted to... drag a man to the nearest bed and..." " Vanessa..." " ls that a tattoo?" " What does it say?" " lt's really embarrassing." "I underwent the excruciating pain to actually embed in my skin, like a crown of thorns, a slogan that would constantly remind me of the evil that is in one's own heart that we must wage a battle against!" "Amen." " You know, I'm not so sure that this is a good idea." "I mean, my mom would be so humiliated if my dad came to the wedding with some... bimbo." " Oh, come on, what are the chances of that?" " l'll be right back!" "Don't you dare get out of that bed, hot stuff!" "Hi!" "Hare Krishna, right?" " Maybe you could save me a trip to the store." "You wouldn't happen to have a spare condom, would you?" " That's what marriage is - fidelity, right?" " l totally agree." "Absolutely, uh..." "Oh, shit." " Pardon?" " Oh shit-a-hinki-dinki-du." "It's a... it's a... it's an old Hindu prayer which means that when you meet the right person, all others must be forgotten, like the leaves of another summer..." " Nick?" " Oh, yes..." " Nick, is that you?" " Oh, no, no..." " You're a priest?" "Oh, my..." "No, I don't believe it." "You, of all people." " Oh, actually, I've always had a spiritual side, Janice, I just didn't flaunt it." " Oh, my God, this feels so weird." "I mean, just to think that I had the... hottest sex of my life with a priest." "That is just too kinky for words." "You know, I was... thinking about maybe giving you a call sometime, have another go at it?" "But I guess, under the current circumstances, that would be out of the question." " Yes, it... it would." " Well, you sure are full of surprises, you little devil." "Well, not Devil." "Although in the old days, that sure would've been the word for it." "You should've known him then." "Oh, you're not one of those trendy nuns in streetclothes, are you?" " No." " Well, let me tell you something." "He sure showed me heaven a few times." " Janice was exaggerating." "I mean, some." " l've figured it out!" " What?" " Why you said you'd counsel me, why you came to my home, why we've been spending all this time together!" " Vanessa, this is not how it looks." " l thought a priest would've led too sheltered a life to understand what I have been going through." "But you... lf l hadn't met you, I probably would've slept with another man and had to call off my wedding." "Do you know how upset Andre would've been?" "!" " lt's really important that you marry the right person." "Andre, he will understand." "A little bit of time and" " My girlfriends are throwing me a bachelorette party tonight." "I was a little worried about it." "To be honest, you know how they can be." " Vanessa... can we talk, talk?" " No, we don't have to!" "That's what I'm trying to say." "I hear you." "I just have to put other men out of my mind and focus on Andre." "His friends are throwing him a stag party tonight, also, and I don't have the slightest fear that he'll cheat on me with another woman." "Nick." "Nick!" "Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick!" "Just wait." " This way, they won't think you're a hooker." "Okay, he likes his women to be very demure and... moral." "Why did I pick you?" "Mom would've been better!" "Let's just go!" " WHO ATE MY BANANA?" "!" " You're perfect!" "Excuse me!" "Hello!" "Anyone home?" "!" "We met earlier today." " Oh, yeah." "You're that Hare Krishna guy." " l thought you were involved with Mr. Sinclair." " That old man?" "Get real." "He's got the apartment upstairs." " So my little girl's getting married tomorrow." " Yeah." " She didn't invite me." "Well, it's my own fault." "Men are such idiots." "Do we ever want to grow up?" "We see a beautiful woman, before you know it, you're telling one lie after another." "You end up all alone." " But what about all the women?" " There was only one woman." "And it only lasted one night." "Irene wouldn't believe me." "I'm not blaming her." "Once you tell one lie..." "And the crazy thing is, the sex wasn't one-tenth as good as it was with Irene." "God, I miss her." " Come to the wedding tomorrow." " lf l'm not welcome..." " l'll go around to Vanessa's and explain everything." " Well, even if Vanessa will forgive me, Irene won't." " Get your suit ready and I'll pick you up in the morning and we can talk to Irene together." " Father Nick!" "Father Nick!" "Oh, I'm so glad you're here!" " Hey, hey, you okay?" " lt was terrible!" "My friends took me to this club with male strippers." "And they paid one of the guys 20 bucks to torture me." "Mm-hmm." "His name was Toro, the Love Stud!" "And he stood right in front of me, and he went like this!" "Who could resist that?" " l don't know." " Oh, Nick, now I can't stop thinking about sex." "I know what I should do." "I should sleep with someone." " You should?" " Yes, yes, for Andre's sake." "I love him. I  wonder if Toro's still there." " Hey, hey, hey." "Vanessa, Vanessa." "Listen to me." "Listen." "You're drunk." "It's not a good time to make decisions." " You're right." "Toro's not the right kind of guy." "I need to find someone... who will never tell anyone..." " Vanessa, look, I want to - oh, my God, I want to - but..." "I can't." "It... it's just not right." " lt feels right." "Doesn't it?" "Rip my clothes off baby" "'Cause I'm ready for love I wrote it." " That's very good." " l know." " l always wanted to be in a rock band, you know?" "Like The Carpenters;" "they were great." "Okay, okay, no, no, okay, do it again." " Okay, okay." " Do it again, do it again." "So rip my-- Rip my" "Clothes off baby Clothes off baby" "'Cause I'm ready for love Ready for love" " You gotta get the moves, though." " The moves?" " Yeah, oh, yeah!" " Oh, no way!" "Rip my clothes off" "Baby" "'Cause I'm ready for love" "You ought to try it." " No, no, I can't, I can't." "No, I can't do it." "I got too many bones." " Steady..." "Way." " Whoa!" " Ooh!" " Okay." "Rip my clothes off baby" "'Cause I'm ready for love" " Way!" "Oh!" " Okay, I'm okay." "You do it?" "You do it yourself." "Do it again, do it again." "Do it again." " lt's like..." "Rip my..." "Rip my" "Clothes off" "Baby" "'Cause I'm..." "Wait." "Whoa." "W-whoa!" "Hey!" " Oh, sh... I slept with a priest the night before my wedding." "I'm really sorry about this." " Vanessa?" " This didn't happened, okay?" "Even if the Pope grills me, I'll deny everything." " B-b-but it's great that this happened." "No, Vanessa, I'm not really a priest!" "I was only pretending!" " Don't question your faith because of what happened, all right?" "You were born to be a priest, Father." " l-l think you can call me Nick." " Just tell yourself it was, like, a... a saintly act." "You know, you were coming to the aid of a needy parishioner!" " No, I'm a fraud!" "I was never a priest!" " You're not a fraud!" "All right?" "You are a fine priest." "Just don't have a spiritual crisis because of something that's my fault." " Vanessa!" "I'm trying to tell you, I'm in love with you!" " Taxi!" "I am going to marry Andre. I am." "And you, go back to being holy." "And we'll never see each other again." " Vanessa." "Vanessa!" "Hey, hey, hey!" " Didn't go so well, then?" " Please, just tell me Andre fell in love with you last night." " No." "Sorry, Nick." "Did my best." " l have to get to her before she marries Andre!" " Andre's not a fool." "If you come running in an hour before the wedding, desperate to see Vanessa, don't you think he might get a bit suspicious?" " You're forgetting, I'm a priest." " lt's easy to forget." "It's not like you were a priest last week." "Good luck!" " Oh, no, you have to come too!" " Why?" " You have to distract Andre so I can be alone with Vanessa." " Oh, the pizza-delivery girl crashes the wedding." " Just say you're my date." " You're a priest!" " Right. I forgot." " l told you it was easy to forget." " We'll think of something on the way." "But take your own bike - l've got to pick up Vanessa's dad!" " Oh, so you're a priest and a taxi service?" " Come on!" " Argh, God!" "He might not even remember me!" " l didn't realize your brother was a priest." " Yeah, we're all very proud of him." " l need to speak to Vanessa!" "Oh, shit!" " Oof!" " lt's a very progressive wing of the Church." " Hi." "St. Andrew's Cathedral?" "Hi, hello." "I'm calling on behalf of Father Edward from St. Matthews." "Um, we're trying to find a priest whose name is Father Nick?" " Excuse me." " Would you" " Oh!" "Ah, he's here." "Yeah." "Thanks anyway." "What?" "Who am I talking about?" " Hello, hello?" "Yes." "Yes, this is Father Nick." "The service next Sunday, 9:00?" "I'll be there." "Just enjoy your golf." "Yes, bye." " Oh, Father..." "Father Nick, we're so glad you're here." "I've been looking everywhere for you." "I wonder if you could..." " l have to go and find Vanessa, wish her the best of luck before the ceremony." " Oh, but, Father Nick, we're just" " Oh!" "(shouting a warning)" " Whoa, whoa!" " Ahhh!" " How could you bring that man here?" "!" "Do you know what that man did to me?" " l think there's some confusion on the subject." " Oh, you mean he denied cheating on me and you believed him!" "Do you men always stick together?" "!" "If there's one thing I taught my daughter, it is never trust a man who lies." "Never!" " Mm, yeah, I suppose lying is quite hard to forgive." " Oh, you bet it is." "If a man lies once, how can you ever believe him again?" " But you know, there must be lies, and then there are lies." "There's "l slept with somebody else, so I lied" lies, and then there's "l want to sleep with you, so I lied" lies." " Lying is lying." " l-l don't know much about the Bible - of course, I know about the Bible." "The point is, it has a word or two about forgiveness." "Tom made one mistake." " One?" "!" "Ah!" "It was probably going on for years!" " No, he's got no reason to lie to me." " Well, maybe he lied to you so that you would lie to me." "That's the way liars think, isn't it?" "You wouldn't know, you're a priest!" " No, I..." "No, I do, I do. I... I do. I understand." "You know, I can see where you're coming from." "I do." " You know the hardest part?" "When it happened  I was still dizzy in love with him." "And I was... stupid enough to think he still felt the same way about me." " Look..." "let me go and find Tom." "He'll explain everything." "Explain the truth." "Tom!" " l can't believe you missed your hairdresser's appointment this morning." "What were you doing?" " l just forgot, OKAY?" " Okay." "Okay, just relax." "Now how... how's that?" "Okay, well, I know I'm not a professional hairdresser, but it's not that bad." " Get out of here!" " You can't just run away from me!" " Father Nick?" " You didn't tell Andre, did you?" " Tell Andre what?" " Of course I didn't tell Andre!" " lf he sees you here, he'll get suspicious." " Suspicious of what?" " Look, I just want to talk." " Talk about what?" " l will never talk to you!" " l can explain." " Go away!" "Now!" " Please!" " Okay, now I am dying to hear what he has to say." " l love you." " Don't say that to me!" " Well, last night wasn't just about-  l don't remember last night!" "So there!" " Of course you remember last night!" "You can't forget last night!" " This is the best wedding I've ever been to, and it hasn't even started yet." " l am not speaking to you again until I am safely married!" " You have to take over the service." "Father Nick, I keep sneezing and coughing!" " Your cold's not that bad!" " l'm going to ruin the ceremony!" " Wh-wh-what's" " He's refusing to do it!" " Father, surely if you can substitute for somebody who's playing golf" " Andre, have you met my sister?" "Sandy!" "Oh, she's wonderful, she's very funny, calm, quiet," " Have we met somewhere before?" " She does have other clothes." "Really, she does." "Have I mentioned she's in the church choir?" " Really?" " Actually, um, no." "I'm in a band;" "we're called, uh..." "She-Devils ln Heat." " She's such a kidder." "Have I mentioned her sense of humour?" " Father Nick, please, I have a temperature of 103." " Listen, why don't you two kids go off and get to know each other?" "!" "That's great - before the wedding!" "Thank you!" " l beseech you, Father Nick." "I..." " Listen you know, I have a very good reason for refusing what you're asking me to do." "I mean, really I do." "It's very... I'll do it." " Father Edward." "I think we're ready to begin." "Are you okay?" " Father Nick will be doing the ceremony, because I..." "Come on." "You're so kind.." " Oh, I love this." "Wait a second." "Who's going to give you away?" "I've got it." "Toro." " Stop it." " lt's okay." "Your dad'll give you away." " l-l'm a little nervous." "This is... this is my first wedding." "Just like it's Vanessa's first wedding." "But hopefully it won't be the last for either of us." "Okay." "We are gathered here today, under the eyes of the big fellow, to witness the union of Andre and Vanessa." "And... ln lo of the last few days, I have cometh to know this fine couple." "And I feel I know Vanessa particularly well, and therefore would like to dispense with the traditional ceremony, and, instead, begat a few words from my own heart." "Or maybe a little lower down." "'Cause I feel that a topic that abides in all of our minds at a time like this... is lust." "And verily, let us say unto one another, what is Lust?" "Why was it begat?" "For lo, lust is a curse that women suffer too, hmm?" "Despite what my mother told me." "Although "suffer" may be too harsh a word." "is it possible that lust has had a bad rap?" "Because verily, I say unto you there are two kinds of lust." "There's that "flash in the pants" lust;" "you know, "sleep with the secretary" lust," "Toro lust." "And that's wrong!" "But human. I mean, if we weren't supposed to feel it, why did the big fellow give us hormones!" "Right?" "Yes, I see a few nods in the back there." "Show of hands!" "Who's sorry they slept with a tramp?" "Come on, show your hand!" "Don't be afraid!" "Okay." "Oh, fine, play it coy." "Play it coy." "But I can tell you knoweth what I'm talking about." "But, no, today I want to talk about the other kind of lust." "The Old Testament lust!" "Because verily, I say unto you, have we really felt the full power and glory of lust?" "!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I believe I'm having a revelation!" "Perhaps it comes to pass that lust is a way of telling ourselves of a... of an everlasting truth." "Because what if..." "we feel an almighty lust for someone we think we doth not love?" "Not Toro lust, but the kind of lust you're still going to feel after 30 years of marriage." "Maybe your body is telling your mind something it does not want to hear." "And if we refuse to listen... lf we refuse to open our hearts and minds to this eternal truth, we could find ourselves damned, forevermore, to that everlasting hell... of being lonely." "I think I've made my point." " Marry us!" " What?" "You sure?" " Yes." " Andre Reid, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife and whatever, etcetera, amen?" " l-l-l do" " And, Vanessa Sinclair, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and health, etcetera, amen?" "!" " l do." " Well, I now pronounce you husband and wife." " The rings." " The ring!" "The ring." "The ring, the rings!" "Do the ring thing." "Come on, Andre, the ring thing." "Yes, well, I now pronounce you husband and wife - again!" " Where are you going?" " l tried my best. lt's over." "She's married now." " No, she's not!" "You're not a real priest." " Oh, I forgot about that!" "Come on!" "Okay, you distract Andre, I'm gonna go get Vanessa." " Thanks." " Andre, congratulations." " Oh." "Ah..." "Father Nick!" " Sandy." "Nick's sister." " Vanessa." "Nice to meet you." " Well, l-l-l can't say I agree with everything in your sermon." "B-but I appreciate you filling in at the last moment." " My pleasure." "It's always a pleasure, never a chore." "I know you haven't got much time and we have to leave soon, so, well, Sandy here, she's got a few questions..." "Well, I'll let her explain." "Vanessa, can we have a word?" " Yes. I would like to speak to you, uh, alone." "Pardon me." " Mm, love you." "S-so, uh, what was it you wanted to say?" " Yeah, uh... do you wanna come and see my band?" " So, listen, the good news is, the annulment will be much easier than you think." " That collar or not, you are still the most despicable human being I have ever met!" "What happened to the sanctity of the confessional?" "!" "Mm?" "You practically announced to everyone out there that I've been lusting after another man!" " l-l think most people appreciated the universal nature of my sermon." " You could've ruined my life!" " Saved!" "Listen to me-- - l'm not listening to another word you say!" " Come on, you promised you would talk to me after you got married." " l changed my mind!" "Now if you'll excuse me, I am going on my honeymoon!" "I hate you!" " Vanessa" " Ooh, Father Nick." " Andre." "l-l-l was just looking for some tablets." "I have an absolutely awful headache." " ln the bathroom." " Would you mind?" "I feel a little bit dizzy." " There you go." " Oh, thank you." "Could I have a glass of water?" " Of course." "I know your views are a little different from the mainstream Church, but I'm sure you can understand how glad Vanessa and I are that we decided to wait until our wedding night." "l-l've taken a lot of ribbing from my buddies." "But... I used to be pretty wild." "And I think it got kind of..." "cheapened." "You know what I mean?" "I said to myself, the next time, I wanted to be sure it was forever." "I am going to have one hell of a honeymoon." "Thank you." "Been a long day." "I hope you're not too tired." " No, no, I'm not tired at all." " Andre!" "Vanessa?" "This is where you're having your honeymoon?" "!" "What a coincidence!" "l-l-l booked a room here about a month ago." "You know, a little sabbatical - meditation, yoga, water-skiing" " Father, if you don't mind, we'd just like to check into our room now." " Oh, there you go." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Oh... this is nice, isn't it?" "I'm so glad I decided to keep you company." "I think I'm gonna stay here all night long." " Ahem." "Uh..." "F-Father Nick, we're getting a little... tired." " Oh, of course you are." "What a day." "Your wedding, then the reception, then the drive here." "I bet both of you didn't sleep much last night." "Vanessa, I'm sure you tossed and turned for hours." " Andre's trying to tell you that we'd like to be alone." " Alone!" "Oh, me too!" "That's why I came up here." "To spend some nice, quiet time alone." " We'd like to be alone now." " Vanessa, we don't want to be rude." " Go away!" " You mean you want to be alone together?" " Yes!" " Of course you do!" "It's your wedding night!" "But you know, as a priest, I would like to give you some advice." "I find that couples who postpone the consummation of their marriage have a much better track record." "That first night, a little bit tired and irritable, well, things never really live up to expectations." "But if you wait a day, a week, a month, a year, poof, fireworks!" "How about a game of Parcheesi?" "!" " No!" " How about chess?" "Blackjack?" "Crazy Eights?" "!" "Spiritual crisis." "Hi." "Hi, hi, hi." "Father Nick, hotel priest." "Just checking for evil spirits." "Everything seems to be fine." "So sleep well." " At last." "Aren't you getting into bed?" " There's something I should tell you first." " Vanessa... if it's about your past, I don't care." "Whatever either of us did before this night is irrelevant." " But I really think that I should tell" " There's nothing that would make me change my mind." " But there's one particular" " No." "All I want is to finally make love to my wife." "Father, this isn't a good time." "How'd you get in here?" " l'm possessed by the devil." "That's why I wouldn't leave earlier!" "I'm terrified of being alone." "Vanessa, you look great." " Andre, please come back to bed!" " Please, Andre, you don't know what kind of nightmare this is." " Father, I don't think you're possessed by the devil." " Then why did I give that sermon at your wedding?" "In defence of lust!" "What priest in his right mind would do that?" "!" " Well, you're a little eccentric." " Look - this is what I did to myself yesterday!" " Well, maybe you're going through a time of doubt, but the Devil?" "What did I just say?" "!" " l-l-l don't speak Spanish." " lt was Devil talk, for you are my slave!" "Please help me fight this monster!" " Hello, can I help you?" "Sure, one second." " lt's kind of fun, isn't it?" " You seem to be doing all right, Father." " They all speak Japanese?" "Uh..." "Yeah, hi." "Uh, I speak a little bit Japanese." " l th..." "I think I'll get back to Vanessa." " But what if Satan returns?" " Well, maybe it wasn't the Devil, maybe it was just... the shrimp in your salad." " l am the evil one," "Lucifer!" "Satan!" "Destroyer of souls!" "Prince of Darkness!" "Bbbbeelzebub!" "Belllllzebub!" "Blllllezebbbulb!" " Mr. Beelzebub?" " What just happened?" " Maybe it's, uh, a little more than indigestion." "l-l'll stay a little longer." " You're a nice man." " Not really." " You're giving up your wedding night to be with a complete stranger." " Well, anything to ward off the Prince of Darkness, huh?" " l must look like a fool sometimes." " l think that's a pretty normal occurrence in cases of demonic possession." " Have you ever really been in love?" "So in love you would do anything?" "You find yourself doing things you can't believe, but if it gives you a chance, the tiniest chance, then it's worth it, even if the whole world thinks you're a complete fool." " lt's your move." "I spent so long thinking about my honeymoon." "Never thought I'd be spending it with a priest possessed by the Devil." "You know, Vanessa must be wondering where l am." "This might be a good time for me to check on her." " Get out of me!" "Ah!" "Get out of me!" "I will never leave you!" " You need some help there?" " l'll kill you!" " Would you like to see a menu?" " No, it's fine. I'm... just... just looking for someone." "Why are you doing this?" " Because I love you." " l don't care." " Yes, you do." "You love me, too." " Oh, yeah." "I always told my girlfriends, one day I'll meet the perfect guy." "One who wants to be Pope." "Listen to me!" "I am married to Andre!" " You said he doesn't light your fire." " l never said that!" " Yes, you did." "The night before last when" " Don't talk about that!" " lt was the best night of my life." " l don't even remember it." " Yes, you do." "You remember every second of it." "And you always will." " l don't remember anything that happened after the stripper shoved his underwear down my dress!" "I'm gonna go find my husband." " Look, Andre's a great guy, but you don't love him." "You love me." " l'll be back later." " No, I will come back later!" "With my lawfully wedded husband!" " Actually, there's something I should tell you about that." " Oh, Vanessa, I'm so sorry." " Father, Father, excuse me!" "I wonder if you could do us a favour." "This couple want to get married right away." "They have the license, the bans have been read," "But they had a fight, she came here to be alone." "He followed her, they've sorted out the misunderstanding, now they just want to get married and go on their honeymoon." " Sorry, no, I can't." " No, please, Father." "It would mean so much to us." " l'm sure there are other priests." " Actually, no one's available until tomorrow." " We really don't want to wait until tomorrow." " lt would be a mistake for me to marry you." " Our wedding would be a mistake?" "Why do you say that?" " l just can't!" " What does he know, Rob?" " What?" " Did you cheat on me with Cynthia?" "is that it?" "Does everyone in the whole world know?" " l didn't mean-- - l never slept with Cynthia!" " A priest is refusing to marry us!" "He must sense something is wrong!" "And I thought we were gonna be so happy together." "Goodbye, forever!" " Wait. I don't sense anything." "I don't even know who Cynthia is." " Then why won't you marry us?" " Because I..." "Because I'm not a real priest." "Vanessa..." " Let's go home, Andre." "Father Edward should be feeling better by now." " Yeah, so he likes to dress like a priest." "Could be worse, could be women's underwear." "Hey, Nick." "What's new?" " Well?" " Well, I went on their honeymoon, got possessed by a devil, then when I wouldn't marry this other couple - don't want to make a habit of it..." " Oh, no." "Certainly not." " And everybody found out the truth." "So Andre and Vanessa are having another wedding." " You're not being paid by the caterers?" " And then they're gonna have another honeymoon, but this time without me." " Nick, um..." "Mom's been getting kind of worried about you." "And, uh..." "Well, actually, we all have." " l just miss Vanessa, you know?" " l know." " What does she have against me?" "At first she doesn't like me because I am a priest." "Now she doesn't like me because I'm not one." " Mm, yeah, I think there might be just a little bit more to it." " She's married, but she's not really married." "It's easy to fix things." "Although she probably is married now." " Take that look off your face." " Where's she gonna go to, Father Edwards?" "I've gotta get everything ready." "Come on, we've got time!" "Sandy, come on!" "Come on!" " La, la, la!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, it's over!" "Nick." "Nick!" "This is the way that she wants it!" " l'll bet it's at Father Edward's." "Now will you please give up." " l have an idea." " l was afraid of that." " Mr. Sinclair!" "I'm not too late!" " Nick." " Where's the wedding?" " l'm sorry, they ordered me not to tell you." " Please, I love her." "You, of all people, must understand what it's like to lose the woman you love." " Nick, I'm sorry, I can't." " St. Andrew's!" "They said it's the last place you'd look!" " My church." " He pretended to be a priest just to trick you into bed?" "!" "That's like the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!" " That's not what I said." " What a monster!" "Just pretend you never even met that guy, okay?" "Put it out of mind." " Yeah..." " l said I would like to thank you so much for the use of your lovely church." "Especially on such short notice." " Well, it's so hard to believe that Nick Francis would pretend to be a priest." " Mm." "Well, I think that's the last we'll see of him until the everlasting damnation." " ls anyone else coming?" " No." "Wh-who else would be coming?" "Nobody else knows where the wedding is." " Well, let's make sure, huh?" " Look at you." " Nick!" "Are you sure you want to wreck two of her weddings?" " As many as it takes." " Have you thought about the fact- -that she obviously wants to marry this guy, not you?" "!" " lt's not a good time to talk,Sandy!" "They might be getting to the "l-dos!"" " But how are you gonna stop her from doing what she wants?" "!" " l'm not gonna burst in there like an idiot!" "I've got a plan." " What is it?" " l'm gonna burst in there like an idiot!" " l can't watch this!" "It's too humiliating!" " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Easy." "Easy, easy." "Fine." "Fine, I'm going. lt's over." "It's not like I'm willing to die for her!" "You know?" " ... these two together and seal their commitment in" "... celebrate the bond... which the two of you make as you enter into this" " l have a confession to make!" " l want to tell you about my fantasy." "I keep imagining myself with a certain woman." "These fantasies are about a four-letter word beginning with L." "The word is love." " l think you better go now, Nick." " Vanessa?" " You pretended to be a priest, you actually performed a wedding ceremony, you followed us on our honeymoon." "And even now, when I know the truth, you break into a church and crash our wedding?" " And I tried to get my sister to sleep with your fiance." " What?" " And I pretended to be possessed by the Devil." "And I'd do it again in a minute." " Vanessa doesn't want a man who lies and pretends to be possessed by the devil!" " Don't you?" " No." " Well  there's one thing I won't do, and that's stand here and watch you marry another man." " Nick's sister, right?" " Yeah." " You seem to be a passionate family." " Well, we do our best." " l've never been on one of those." " Well... hop on." " All right." " So since I married you once, I don't have to do it again, right?"