"Transcript: chocolate" "Synch:" "Arrow, Breys" "Jesus Christ." "What the fuck?" " Who the fuck are you?" " I'm a friend of your Mum's..." "I had nowhere to kip." "Sweetheart, isn't she?" "Even if she doesn't believe I'm the actual messiah." "Mum...!" "Mum!" "Who the hell does she think she is?" "This is bloody ridiculous, does nobody understand privacy?" "I'm naked." "I sleep naked." "Nothing I haven't seen before." "You look like your mum, actually." "You've even got the same haircut she has." "Mum!" " I can see why you find it offensive..." " It's not just the shape," " it's the skin..." " It's a very aggressive texture." "Positively patriarchal." "Definitely patriarchal." "Mum." "Has anyone ever told you what a complete fucking cow you are?" "Plenty of people." "Look at this would you, love?" "We're thinking of banning it in the group shopping list." "There's a man." "In my room." "In my bed!" "He had nowhere else to go." "It's called communal living, sweetie..." "God!" "You're so... irritating!" "Kids..." "Immature..." " I'm late." "Am I late?" " Course not..." "Besides, this is hardly an appointment is it?" "Kept behind by Cruella De Ville." "And what did the college director want?" "To send me on a motivation course..." "The Feeling, Healing Teaching Programme." "Fuck's sake!" "And guess what?" "I fucking hate teaching!" "So, how's your Mum?" "Still saving the world one lentil at a time?" "Well, you know..." "Sometimes she's up." "Sometimes she's down." "Sometimes she's only half-way up, which is neither up nor down." "And the Mother Nature thing is getting tired." "I've got 15 people living in my house, and none are paying rent!" "Still, can't be all bad." "Made you, didn't she?" "Though apparently Fred West's daughter's a charm." "Hope for us all." "Right so, that's me." "See you in assembly..." "Our glorious leader has summoned us all." " You're gonna like this..." " Like what?" "You'll find out..." "Just be there, missy." " What's going on there?" " Nothing." "Shut up!" "Then you've got the shaft of your penis..." "In ancient times before the now." "There was an almighty blazing row." "Between two kingdoms tall and proud." "How to decide this without blood?" "Right, settle down everyone..." "Thank you, Doug, fascinating introduction." " But I'm not finished!" " Yes, you are!" "Let's put it to a vote!" "Bit of theatre, you know..." "Impact." "OK, it's simple." "We want a Student President." "This will be a... democratically empowered position, for a talented individual, to proactively seek excellence in matters of student representation." "And you, my little education consumers, will choose this president by vote." "The election is next week so if you wish to stand, please see Doug after assembly." "Can I just..." "I've got a whole rhyme worked out for that bit..." "No." "Please." "No." "I just thought you'd like it, it's a clever pun on Doug, digging, and I'm awfully nasty about the Welsh..." " You've got to be joking." " I'm not gonna help run this place." "I don't get it, why not?" " You really care about this stuff." " What stuff?" "Equality, environmentalism, feminism," "I don't ever want to shut my mouth-ism..." "Great." "You're making me sound great." "Come on." "Come on, you know about politics, you're always talking about it." "We've had about three conversations our entire lives." "So the idea that you know I'm always talking about anything is ridiculous." "Morning ladies." "Love is all around." " Piss off." " Naomikins, I've been thinking." "You should see more cock." "Pardon?" "Me and you." "We should go to it." "Know what I'm saying?" "Excuse me?" "Go to it?" "Definitely." "You've got about as much chance of fucking me as becoming the democratic elected Student President of this dump." "I enjoy a challenge." "Babe..." "You have got a deal." "What?" "I didn't mean it like that." "I'm not going to..." " Guaranteed a shag." " What?" " Name?" " Crispin." "Second name?" "That's it, sir." "Just Crispin." "Like Prince, Madonna, Cher, Lemar..." "Only Crispin." "And what are your policies, Crispin?" "A tightening of college selection procedure." "They let some awful shit in this place." "Like him, for instance." "All right, Doug?" "Is this where you register to be president, yeah?" "You?" "President?" "Yeah, man." "Problem?" "Fantastic, a two-horse race!" "Let the best man win." "So, just fill the form in." "Girls." "Stupid." "You're all so stupid." "I can see your knickers." " You?" "President?" " Why do people keep saying that?" "Me, president." "You, my slave." "Why you fighting it, Naomi?" "You want it." "I want it." "Let's get together and feel all right." "You couldn't make me feel all right if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood on a cement mixer." "Too pussy to take a chance, little girl." " See you next time." " Yeah, you love me." "I was going to ask you if you wanted a lift." " What?" " You know, save your legs." "Your wheels." "Only if you..." " You can give me a lift." " Great." "Hang on." " Mind the spring." " Where?" "This is some automobile you've got here." "Would you believe it only cost me £2.50?" "And three tokens from the top of Weetabix packets." "Yeah, I really would believe that." "Come on, come on..." "Can you give me a lift on your bike?" "It's all part of her grand love note to Ofsted." "It looks good to have a student president." "Will that person have power?" "Will they bollocks." "I ran for office once..." "Oh, yes." "You're looking at the Workers Unite candidate," "Bristol City Council, Redland Ward, 1998." "I bet that went well for you." "I got six votes, and I knew three of them personally." "But then, buoyed up by my success," "I decided to dedicate my life to shaping the young minds of tomorrow." "Only to discover they don't have minds, only mild jangling things between their ears." "Mild jangly things that are colour- co-ordinated to go with their shoes!" "I think you should stand." "What?" "Why?" "Come on." "You're the best, we both know it." "Is that a compliment?" "Are you complimenting me?" "I've got a few compliments in me." "Listen, is it my drug problem, or is someone waving at that window?" "God, it's my mum." "Don't look." "Shit." "She's so embarrassing!" "I want to meet this mythical creature." "Right." "Thanks." "You wanna do something about this girl." "There is fungal matter in the oven!" "You are fungal matter!" "It says on the rota it's your job to clean it." "How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?" "One." "Me." "Because I'm oppressed." "You're oppressing me." "The Messiah does not oppress, OK?" "He enlightens." "I'll fucking enlighten you, you patriarchal prick!" "Jesus does not do fungus." "Really, does he not do fungus?" "I was waving!" "You were with a man!" " What is this?" "Surveillance culture?" " I was just saying." "He looked nice." "He's my politics teacher, all right?" "Okay, just saying." "Nice to see you with a guy." "Makes a change." "Anyway, do you wanna come and help me feed...?" "You don't even know who you're feeding?" "This is our house, Mum!" "Of course it is." "I think someone stole the telly from your room." "Who are you?" "Who is this?" "Jesus, is there never any peace?" "!" " How did you get in here?" " This weird guy let me in." "Looks a bit like Jesus?" "It's like a game of Christ-themed Guess Who in this house." " What do you want?" " Wanted to give you this." "You're very annoying." "You seem to inspire it in me." "Jinx." "You're gonna run?" "Great." " I'll help with the form." " No, Emily, I don't need any help." "Right." "OK." "Well, see you." "Just so you know, my first thought when I see you is not, "I want to fuck that girl."" "We've kissed." "Twice." "It was nice." "But it's also nice just being with you, when you're not being a prick, that is." "Thanks." "You should run for President because I think you'd be good at it." "It's that simple, okay?" "Then you should... stay." "Thanks." "I will." "I can just see it now... in lights." ""Naomi" " Get to know me!"" "I thought it was quite catchy." "Yeah, well, so's AIDS." " Do you think I can do it?" " I think you can do anything." "Really?" "I've been wondering..." "What do lesbians... do?" "I mean, in bed." "I know what you mean!" " But why would I know?" " You've never...?" "No, I've never!" "I mean..." "Is it all brogues and strap-ons, or...?" "I don't know." "They just... do what we do to ourselves." "Only to each other." "Probably slightly more aggressively." "And with, you know, oils and stuff." "Oils?" "And stuff." "Oilssss." "Lots of it." "Oils." "Where do you put it?" "Oils?" "On salad." "Fuck's sake." "What are you doing?" "I am Cook!" "Vote for me!" " Vote for non-stop partying!" " Oh, God." " Who's up there with him?" " JJ." " Think I lost him." " What, JJ?" "Yeah, him too." "Is this about Effy?" "That obvious, is it?" " So tell her." " I did." "It should make a difference when someone loves you." "Shouldn't it?" "We love to party!" "We love to party!" "You left pretty early." "I had things to do, you know?" "I met your mum." "Did you?" " She's nice." " She's a cliche." " She's a nice cliche." " Is she?" "Emily, look." "I forgot to tell you." "I made these in anticipation." "Cool, huh?" "I got the message, Naomi." "I'll manage." "But there is one thing, though." "You can't let him win, now, can you?" "Cook before education!" "Sex before exams!" "I'm asking for one-to-one tuition to achieve your goals, work experience and..." "My name is Crispin, that's my name" "I don't like chavs, that's my game" "If you vote for me" "Like a princess and a pea I'll free you from their menace." "A wigada-wigada-whack West Morningside!" "Next up, Naomi." "What this college needs is somebody who'll understand..." " Council has to mean something..." " Give a look to the man Cook!" "Excuse me." "Everyone." "Can I just...?" "Can you listen, please?" "If you vote for me, I'll make sure each and every one of your voices is heard." "I'll make it my business to get to know each..." "Apples!" "Apples and pears." "Get your apples." "Apples and pears." " Apples and pears." "Apples!" " {\See, }This is what you've got to decide." " Do you want a comedy president...?" " Banana!" "You're such a fucking joke!" "I'm a joke?" "You're fucking hilarious!" "At least I care about something." " There are issues." " What's{\ so} good about caring?" "No-one here{\*cares}." "We just wanna party!" "Any chance you could be a cunt over there, d'you think?" "That's nice." "Getting your girlfriend to hold your hand." "Bit of moral support, yeah?" "Sweet, innit?" "Sweet." "If I'm a joke, at least people can have a laugh..." "Caring's over-rated." "Do you want to know my slogan?" "I'm Cook." "Vote for me." "I don't give a fuck either." " Wait, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to..." " Just leave me alone!" "I hate him!" "He's a ball bag, right?" "I was such a dick." " Such a dick." " What's a bit of public humiliation?" "I'm a teacher, I'm used to it." "People fuck you up every day." "Yep." "Every day." "After a while you get to kind of like it." "No, I'm serious." "There." "You look so much prettier when you smile." "I don't get it." "Why are you so nice and all other men are such wankers?" "Now you've got me." " What?" " What?" "But you're..." "You're old enough to be my dad!" "Maths was never my strong suit, but I think, you know, not quite!" " I thought you liked me!" " I do." "And I do." " What did you just do?" " You wanted me to kiss you." "But I just..." "I wanted to trust you." "No, you can... trust me." "Fuck off!" "Can we go somewhere?" "Anywhere." "It's lovely." "It's a lovely place." "It's one of my favourites." "I didn't bring a swimming costume." "Neither did I." " The sun won't shine forever." " Someone might be looking." "Honey, your body ain't that special." "Don't look, OK?" "Fine." "I said don't look!" " I wasn't looking, you just..." " You were looking." "You were perving." "Come on." "Get in!" " Oh, Jesus!" " It's freezing!" "You all right, Em?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "You deaf or what?" "{\You know, }That's the first time you've asked me something." " What, today?" " Ever." "Well, answer it then." "You all right?" "I'm having the worst time of my life." "The weather's shit." "The company's even worse." "Amen." "It's peaceful." "Do you wanna do blowbacks?" "I never got blowbacks." "Why can't people just smoke the damn things straight?" "It's fun." "Have you even tried it?" "But being all seeing, I already know it's shit." "Come on." "Everything once." "Oh, fuck it." "Go ahead and disappoint me." "Say something." "I'm all about experiments, me." "Twice!" "You're gonna do this to me, twice!" " You fucking stop right now!" " What?" "Don't you dare leave me in your bed again." "I've got to go." "I know you, Naomi." "I know you're lonely." "I think you need someone to want you." "I do want you." "So be brave." "And want me back!" "Mum." "I know it's early but..." "This is my fucking house!" "Naomi!" "For the love of God!" "Stop will you!" "I came looking for you, to apologise." "She was here." "We got talking." "She's a nice..." "Naomi, please." "I'm a fucking disaster, OK?" "I just..." "I'm lonely." "Fuck off!" "Right." "Well, these aren't going to count themselves." "There's one thing I want to make clear to you." " That boy will not win." " Cook?" "He might win." "He seems very popular." "He will not win." "I mean..." "That goes against..." "I'm totally against that." "Totally..." "Don't you have a career review assessment with me next week?" "Totally agree." "He will not win." "Right." "This is how it will work." "Vote for Naomi, this pile." "Vote for Crispin, this pile." "Someone voted for Crispin?" "Vote for Cook, this pile." "Right." "Right." " I think we're gonna need a bigger bra." " Shut up and get on with it." "Drum roll, please." "Thank you." "And... the winner... is..." "Naomi, do you have a few words?" " You should have more confidence." " What?" "I mean, your tits are fine." "What?" "Now, I'm not sure, but were these votes counted?" "Stop the silliness." "Celebrate." "You've won." "Cook won." "He's our President." "And my first act as President of this school, is to declare this riot open!" "So..." "Where does this go next?" "Burning all the gym equipment or shitting in the College Director's desk?" "I tell you, I'd be up for either." "I'm sorry." "You're supposed to be flattered by my intention." "But ultimately, honourably, unobtainable." "A bit too flattered maybe." "A bit too obtainable." " A bit of a twat." " Yeah, maybe." "Do you like her?" "She's..." "She's right." "So go tell her, will you?" "Sure." "Thanks!" "I'm looking for three pornos, two ninja stars and a butt plug that Kieran fucker confiscated." "Think you'll be expelled for this?" "They'll have to explain why, wouldn't they?" "I reckon, when this is over, they'll try and pretend it never happened." " You're probably right." " I entered to piss you off, obviously." "Obviously." "You ever wish things were just simple?" "Things are simple." "I won." "Now we get to willy waggle, yeah?" " I never said..." " Are you sure?" " Are you sure you never said cos..." " Hang on." "I think we should willy waggle." "They all come to the Cookie Monster in the end." "This isn't right." "What?" "Sorry." "It's just isn't a goer." "Fair enough." "Is that's it?" "You're not even gonna try and convince me?" " Most guys would." " Most guys aren't me, babe." "You fancy me, I'm cool with it." "So there's another reason why you won't fuck me." "It's probably a good one cos you're, you know, clever." "You're a lot nicer than most people think." "Fuck you." "Fuck you right back." "You noticed how quiet it is?" "You kicked them out?" "Probably take a few days to clean the place, right?" "What did you want to talk to me about this morning?" "Is anyone here?" "Just some man who seemed to think you wanted him back in my bed." "He's very entertaining for an Irishman." "It is peaceful." "Did I ever tell you how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant with you?" "Is this going to cheer me up?" " Because I need cheering up." "OK?" " I'm getting there." "I'd met the man of my dreams." "I wanted to travel the world, fuck on every beach in India, be in love, and then I found out I was pregnant." "I can only apologise." "And, you know, your dad turned out to be a shitty little prick, and it was all a little bit rubbish." "Until you made my life complete." "And actually, rather fucking wonderful." "I did that?" "I wasn't expecting it." "People who make us happy are never the people you expect." "So, when you find someone." "You've got to cherish it." "Right then." "I've got an Irishman waiting for me, who says all he needs for happiness is regular sex and potatoes." "I'm not gonna open the door." "My face is all puffy." "I've been..." " crying a bit." " I don't care." "I do want someone." "Need someone." "You're right." "And?" "And... when I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person." "I feel happier." "Less... alone." "Less lonely." "But it's not as simple as that, is it?" "Being with someone." "Isn't it?" "I mean," "I don't know." "I mean, I don't think so." "I mean..." "Can't we just sit like this... for a bit?" "We can." "For a bit." "I've been getting locked on." "Breaking stuff." "Getting into rages." " Don't do that." " Right." "You gotta choose, mate." "Either me or Cook." " Please make up with Freddie, Cook." " He can fuck himself." " All those things you want." " I love you." "You don't ask for them." "Why don't you just ask?"