"Nazi fag!" "Elevate, you limp-dicked mother-hump.." "It's pathetic." "Wankers!" "I'm surrounded by wankers." "I guess you wanna hear me say that that was creative and inventive and fun to watch." "Is that what you were thinking, Wagstaff?" "I was told it was impolite to ever refuse a compliment, sir, so.." "please, can I hear what you thought?" "Here's my thought, dipshit." "Watching you felt like.." "a small, intensely powerful wolverine eating a sack o' nuts out of my anus." "Get to my office." "Now!" "(¢Ü "Give it Time" by Evan Olson)" "(moaning)" "Aagh!" "OK, Mr. Osama." "Where are you?" "Over there?" "Ooh!" "Boom!" "Colonel Jaffe." "Now, I may not be a mind reader.." "but I think I know what you were gonna say." "You want me to be team captain." "I don't think I've been here long enough to have gained the respect and admiration of the other guys." "But, um.." "What the hell." "I accept." "You know, that's just a crazy enough idea to actually work." " Captain Wagstaff." " Really?" "So I'm off your shit list?" "No, you puke." "I've just spent more than a day and a half trying to mold you into an Olympic-caliber snowboarder." "I just realized that I've been polishing a turd." "You are fuckin' expelled." "Huh." "Well, thank you for you support, sir." "Who would I see about getting a tuition refund?" "You're lookin' at him, scumbucket." "Guess what?" "I'm going to impound that homo-blowjob slush fund." "All right." "I'm leaving." "Ooh." "There's something I could tell you about last night that would devastate you." " But I got too much class for that." " Gossip?" "Wait, get back here." "You're not dismissed!" "What they say?" "Let's say that, between you and me, "winter" came a little early last night." " Leave it at that." " How dare you?" "I've heard that vicious lie from every man on this mountain, and they're all liars!" "Get out of here before I kill you with my bare hands!" "Why, why, why?" "Why me?" "Oh, God." "Jack?" "Come to me, Jack." "Come up now." "Now I need you." "Ahhh!" "I'll be OK?" "I'll be OK?" "I'll be OK!" "I'll be OK." "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir." "This is Colonel Jaffe." "Cadet Wagstaffhas just been expelled." "Code red." "Ohh!" " (both) Bye-bye, Billy!" " (laughter)" "Come on, guys." "That's so you can breathe, Wagstaff." "Because we are no monsters, you know." "You like hanging out with the poories so much?" "Maybe you can show them some of your fancy moves." "I love it when the Colonel orders a code red." "Just the sound of that body thumping on the inside of that can." "You guys go hit the practice slopes." "I'll be in town fucking the dead guy's girlfriend." "That's why him is the captain." "Good boy." "Ja." "He is one bad fuckermother." "We better go hit the slopes before we end up in can of trash too." "Ja." "$500 for your thoughts." "Well, I'm still a little mad at Billy, but now I'm starting to get worried." "Listen, your friend got himself in a lot of trouble before he quit the school." "He stole his tuition money back." "He practically attacked the Colonel's daughter." "And he seemed to be involved in some sort of homosexual men's room scam." "I've known Billy my whole life." "That just doesn't sound like him." "Unfortunately, there's just some people in this world who act nice, but in truth they're not very nice at all." "Have some more wine." " And try not to worry so much." " You're right." "The one thing I know about Billy is that he's a survivor." "He's probably out on the beach right now, partying the night away." "Oh, sweet savior." "What happened to that Billy dude Casey came up here with?" " I thought she was all up on his dick." " She is." "It's one of those things any fool can see but them." "And me." "(groaning)" "OK." "That is the last time I take a shit in this can." "Oh, shit. (screaming)" "I heard some dude was blowing him in the bathroom last week during that fight we had when the richies kicked our ass." " Yeah, that was a good fight." " Yeah!" "What are you guys so happy about?" "You lost." "They beat you like rugs." "Maybe we are giant losers." "I mean, even Casey, our muffin girl, is dating a richie." "Oh, Billy-shmilly." "I love Schittville." "Salt." "A salted road." "I'm on a salted road!" "Oh, sweet Jesus, I'm in the road." "(car approaches)" "Here comes the pain." "(Billyjabbers)" "(crash)" "Brandtsy." "So what is this?" "Like, our.. third date?" "Fifth." "What the fuck is wrong with that nasty-looking and smelly motherfucker?" "If you're here for more acupuncture, I'm all booked up." "Listen, everybody." "I know we got off on the wrong foot, but.. five days duct-taped into a trashcan." "can change a man." "Yeah." "Into garbage." " Do you mind?" " Would you let the motherfucker finish?" " Or else he ain't gonna leave." " Thank you." "Look.." "We can't let the richies do this to us anymore." "I admit, when I first got here, I was a jerk." "I was trying to be someone that I'm not." "And I was wrong." "Yeah, something most of us learned in the fourth grade, but, please, go on." "Well, I learned a couple of things and I wanna share 'em with you." "First, is that a human being can live off the lickings of a garbage can for five.." "long.. days." "Another thing we learned in the fourth grade." "How about this?" "We don't have to kowtow to the richies anymore." "Question." "Kowtow?" " Goddamn, they're stupid motherfuckers." " Get pushed around, idiot." "Oh!" "Like the richies do to us." "Kowtow!" "Wait a minute." "We hate kowtowing." "Yeah!" "I'll cut the next bitch that kowtows me." "The point is, we need to take back what belongs to Schittville." "It smells like you done took plenty back already." "I'm talking about the mountain." "And our honor, and our dignity." "Honor and dignity?" "That's some pretty redundant shit for five days' work." "Poopy pants is right." "We need to take back our shit, including Casey our muffin girl, unless Brandt Von Hoffman's kowtowing her right now." " Can you use it like that?" " I think you can." "Whoa." "Wait, wait." "Casey is kowtowing Brandt?" "Why don't you take me back to my place so we can fuck like wild dogs?" "I can put both my feet behind my head." "Check!" "But I do have to go put a stop to that right now." "You might want to wash the crap out of your pants first, dear." "She got a helluva an idea, Mr. Honor and Dignity." "OK." "But I still have a good hunk of speech left." " We can't wait to hear it!" " OK." "Goddamn!" "Can somebody crack the window?" "Not you, Danny, you blind son of a bitch." "Case?" "Casey?" "Oh, thank God." "(¢Ü soft music)" "Oh, God." "(giggles)" "Whoo!" " OK, I can't do this." " What?" "I'm already wearing a rubber." "The Colonel says always wear a rubber." "Even if you're just eating with a poorie." "Right, I'm really glad you said that incredibly insulting thing." "That'll make this a lot easier." "I'm not gonna have sex with you." "I mean, our going out was a really big mistake." "I like somebody else." "That's why I moved here in the first place." "What am I supposed to do with this wood?" "Build a coffee table?" "OK." "You're not swaying me much." "I have to ask you to leave." "Not until I get what I came for." "(groans)" "Billy!" "I believe the lady said.." "Wow." "What page of National Geographic did he pop off of?" "I don't know." "But I have a feeling you have a lot to do with this." "Now, if you don't leave right now, I'm gonna.." "Ohh!" "I get it." "I might be rich, but I'm not stupid." "Actually, yeah, you are." "Bye-bye." "Here." "Give this to your boyfriend." "He can wear it as a wet suit." "(Casey gasps)" " He threw a rubber on my face, didn't he?" " Yeah." "Let me get it for you." "Sorry if I ruined your date." "You did." "But not for the reasons you think." "(groans)" " J.P." " Hm?" "(slurps)" " Can I buy you a drink?" " Oh, yeah, oh, yeah." "But, uh.." "I don't have to "follow you to your car"?" "No!" "Jesus!" "I wasn't with a guy." "I was with the.." "Colonel's daughter." "How did you get at the end of that line?" "I'm still waitin' for the call." "I feel.." "I feel terrible." "I screwed everybody over and.." "I acted like an asshole." "Let me tell you something." "A man who can't see that he's acting like a asshole - there's a real asshole." "But a man who can admit it, that man's all right in my book." "I wrote a book, you know." "Give it a skim." " It's a big.. font." " Thank you very much." "I talk all about the Kennedys, Jimmy Hoffa.." "space aliens." "That bullshit moon landing." "We never go to no fucking moon." "I bought the commemorative plate for nothing." "I got a whole chapter on the president and his pretty-ass wife having dinner with Osama Bin Laden on 9/12." "It's some heavy shit." "Hey, back me up on this." "I taught Jim Morrison.." "how to boogie-woogie one-ski in 1989." "I'm talking heavy shit." "He taught John Lennon how to be ironic." "There's some shit about Area 51." "Keep it to yourself." "I've been to Area 58." "It's sort of a rest area." "And here's one, just between the two of us." "Kurt Cobain killed that crazy bitch Courtney Love, cut off his own dick, bought him some titties, and he's Courtney Love." "That's her in his grave." "Dig her up and find out." "There's a hole in that Hole." "Well, I don't know about the two of you, but I'm going to sleep." "William?" "Are you all right, son?" " J.P.?" " Mm-hm?" "Aren't you drunk?" "I've never been drunk a day in my life." "I've been waiting for you, boy." "And no more bullshit between us now." "I've seen what you can do up on that mountain." "You are the finest natural-born snowboarder.." "I have ever seen in my life." "Now, what you got to do is get the respect of this town, and you are not going to do that by walking in with a load of crap in your pants and some dumb-ass speech." "How do I get the respect of the town?" "Only two men have ever ridden the Goat and lived." "And I'll bet everything I wish I had.." "that you, Billy Wagstaff, are gonna be number three." "What if I'm one of the ones who dies?" "Well, then, at least you'll make the board." "Yeah, baby." "Yeah, baby." "Hey, guys." "That fuckshit Wagstaff, he's not as dead as we'd hoped." "And here is the kicker." "The Goat he is going to ride now." " Let's go." " Ja." "But I thought we were gonna have sex." "Who wants sex when you can watch Wagstiff trying to kill himself riding the Goat?" "No brainer." "Let's go watch that bastard break his neck." "Hey, you guys." "You're not gonna believe this." "I just heard Billy Wagstaff is skiing the Goat." "Look." "The Goat?" ""Tog ruy ogta"?" "What the hell does that mean?" ""Tog ruy"?" "Aaagh!" "Go, go, Billy." "Go, go!" "(cheering)" "(¢Ü "The Last Ride" by Evan Olson)" "You'll never see the other side of Goat's Hump." "Die, you sucker." "Oh, fuck!" "(¢Ü "The Last Ride" continues)" "(honking)" "Shit, I'm alive!" "Oh, shit." "(horn)" "I can't believe that bastard Wagstiff boarded the Goat." "(Sven) Maybe one of us should ski the Goat." "Yeah." "Brandt should do it." "He's the team captain." "No way." " Nootnik, you do it." " Sven, it is your idea." "You do it." "No." "No!" "Make Hans do it." " Why me?" "Make Schlomo do it." " Schlomo can't do it." "You must do it." " No, you do it." " No, you do it." " You do it, Hans." " No, you do it." " No, you do it." " You do it." "(all) You do it." "Doesn't anyone want to do me?" "(all) You do it." "Here's to Billy "Who the Man" Wagstaff, who boarded the Goat and gave us poories a hero." " We love you, brah." " (cheering)" "Billy, Billy." "Now would be the right time for that speech, which is funny, yet motivates us to become better people." "(all) Yeah!" "Yes, thank you, J.P." "Wow." "I guess I'd just like to say that when I was trapped in the trash, the one thing that kept me going was knowing that all of Schittville was out there looking for me." "Yeah.." "Huh." "Yeah." "I did learn what I valued most in life, and that is friends.." "freedom.." "and, of course, food and air." "And the right to board where we want to board." "(all) Yeah." " Right on, brother." " Damn, this is some speech." "(Billy) So let's raise a glass, you guys." "To a new era on Pine Mountain." "And let's end this ridiculous distinction between richies and poories and let's make this a place where every single person is welcome and accepted." "(all) Yeah." "And get those assholes outta here." "They put me in a garbage can and left me to die." "I wanna talk to you, Wagstaff." "Your days on the mountain are over, old man." "Billy boarded the Goat." "You know the rules." "I know the law of the mountain." "I know that any team can challenge any other team to a Chinese downhill, no-holds-barred race to the bottom for total domination of Pine Mountain, and I say you poories haven't got the guts." " Hell, yeah." " (all) Yeah." "All right, gentlemen." "Listen up." "There's absolutely no way in hell you can lose this race if you board good and hard." "Now, there's a lot at risk here, so I'm leaving nothing to chance." "Step up and grab a piece of insurance." " Ja!" " (laughter)" "But, Colonel, why do we need the medieval weapons or clubs of death?" "Because we're not taking a chance." "He just explained this, you stupid Australian." "But I am Hungarian." "Well, if you're so hungry, eat me." "(laughter)" "Ja!" "Ja!" "(manic laughter)" "All right, the winners rule the mountain." "The losers.. don't rule the mountain." "You just said the same damn thing twice, you redundant-talking, big truck-driving, one-ski boogie-woogie idea-stealing, ho-raising, dumb signposting motherfucker." "(all) Yeah!" "Why don't you have another beer, you adjective-throwing," "Will Smith-loving, lie-telling, big book-writing-that-ain't-nobody ever-gonna-read idiot?" "(all) Yeah!" "There's some heavy shit in there." "You really ought to give it a skim." "Look, I think we all knowwhat's at stake and that J.P. wrote a book with some very heavy shit in it." "Now, please, can we just race?" " Who's gonna say "Go," brah?" " Who's not boarding?" "Gee, I wonder who everybody's looking at." "Come on, honey." "This way." "I know you hate me, Billy, but, really, good luck." "Thank you, Winter." "(Brandt) You can watch my butt." "Come on." "Hang on to your jewels." "Hey, J.P.!" "." "You're sure easy to see in the show." "Kiss my black ass, you crazy white devil." "(yells)" "Look who it is - Billy's little slut girlfriend." "I hate you." "(screaming)" "(screams)" "You fucking bitch!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "(cheering)" "Damn you, Wagstaff." "You know I love you, don't you?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "Naomi, what I'm asking you is.." "if you'd be my seeing-eye wife." "Yes, Danny." "Because even though you can't see my mind-boggling beauty on the outside, you can see my mind-boggling beauty on the inside." "I'm the happiest guy in the world." "Danny, honey, you're kissing a dead beaver." "I don't care." "I love you anyway." "That beaver's not dead." "That is one lucky, no-seeing, beaver-licking," "Naomi-hugging son of a gun." "Hey, brahs, the Colonel, Winter and the richies are here." "This is a private party, you no-contest-winning motherfuckers." "But that fine daughter of yours, she can stay." "But you other tight-ass bitches, get the fuck out of here." "Actually, we're just here to say goodbye, because you poories have ruined snowboarding for us." "So we're taking our Olympic skills elsewhere because I've invented a new sport." "It's called one-board boatless water-skiing." "That's surfing, motherfucker." "Africans invented that shit trying to get off your goddamn slave ships by hanging on to pieces of driftwood headed for the motherland." "It's in the book, fool." "Give it a skim." "Oh, skim that book high and hard, Supertan." "(laughter)" "You know, I think the important thing is here that you're leaving." "No, Billy." "The important thing is.." "this is leaving, OK?" "Wrap it up." "And you poorie chicks are gonna be missing out on this." "Oh, who are we fooling?" "We poories should be fighting with the richies." "It's what we do." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Stop, you guys." "Why do the richies and poories always have to be fighting each other?" "Why can't we just make Schittville the example for the whole world?" "All right, gentlemen." "Greener pastures." "Hold on one second, guys." "You're lucky we're leaving, Wagstiff." "If we weren't, I don't think it would be too long before little Casey here starts begging for a piece of what's in this package." "(yelling)" "Goddamn, some more heavy shit for my book." "Give it a skim." "(man) Roll cameras." "Cue marker." "Hey, Brandt." "(laughter)" "I'm counting on you to hold me there, boss." " (man) Keep rolling." " That fucking hurt my leg." " (man) Still rolling?" " (man #2) Still rolling." "(man) Great." "Thank you." "Do it two times." "(laughter)" "Marker." "(Naomi laughs) Oh, God!" "That beaver's not dead." "(Naomi) What happened to my chair?" " Yes, I just hurt my ass." " Oh, my God." "(laughs)" "Your lips say no." "I'm Billy Wagstaff." "What the fuck is wrong with that nasty-smelling and looking motherfucker?" "(Naomi laughs) Sorry." "It's Billy Wagstaff." "What the fuck is wrong with that nasty-looking and smelly motherfucker?" "But I got a really good hunk of speech left." "(J.P.) What was that?" "Well, good." "I'm happy." "(man) I like "Nazi fag." Good line." "Blow me." "Hot stuff." "I bet I could hear that if I tried, and maybe a little labia-flapping kind of action." "I mean, you know, I felt her face." "She's a good-looking girl, and, you know, come to think of it," "I wouldn't mind putting my mouth right.." "if I could get a mouthful of that camel toe." "All that about labias flapping and camel-toeing and shit." "White people." "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you.." "Colonel?" "Hey, Kate." "Listen, I'm not an educated man, and I wouldn't know Strasberg from Stanislavski, but I thought that was a little on the indicate-y side." "Hey, Kate." "If overacting was sexy, I'd be hard as a fucking rock right now." "Hey, Kate." "William Shatner just called." "He wants his acting style back." "Oh, God, forgive me." "What do you know?" "Wait." "I'm going to hell." "I'm going directly to hell." "Well, there you go, boys." "It's all true what they told you." "(laughter)" "(¢Ü "Fall" by Scott Miller)" "Damn, look at the bucket of junk sticking out of those pants." " (applause)" " Thank you, thank you." "Good to see you." "I love you.." "Good to see you." "Good.." "Doggone, doggone." "You really, really, really know how to make a fella feel welcome." "And as I scan the crowd here, I see a few new faces." "And if any of you don't know me," "I am Jack Schitt.. the third." " We love you, Jack!" " I love you too, man!" "Somebody get a video camera." " A what?" " Oh, yeah." "I guess we're just gonna have to use our rememberers." "Your rememberers?" "Oh, lord." "We truly are in the town that time forgot." "They say his house is so opulent, he has his own driveway." "I would too if I made Jack Schitt money." "Now, very rarely do I get a chance to interface with the youth of the community." "I thought this was a prime opportunity." "The first nugget of wisdom I need to share with you is to stay off the doggone drugs." " Even pot?" " Oh, no, no, no." "Pot's OK." "That's medicinal." "I'm talking the hard stuff." " What about cocaine?" " No, no, no." "I got no problem with cocaine." "I mean, as a matter of fact," "I've been known to do a bump or two in the morning to get me out of bed." "I am talkin' the hard drugs." "Ecstasy?" "Ecstasy.." "is a tool." "It's not a drug." "As a matter of fact, I got a belly full of it right now!" "Now, drugs is just a minor part of the problem." "The big thing I want you to remember, for the love of Mike, is to stay in school." "I'm 31." "School's not really an option for me." "Jack Schitt is a straight shooter." "And if you're over 30, and you're havin' trouble with the reading' and writin'," "I'm not gonna tell you that's a plus." "Mr. Schitt, is anything about us a plus?" "I'll see y'all at the Schittville holiday parade." "Thank you very much!" "Thank you!" "(cheers/applause)" "Love you." "I love you, man." "I love you!" "I love you." "Man, they sure could use a man like that in Washington." "That big-talkin', corny-dressin', out-of-style, bolo-tie-wearin' motherfucker." "I hate that motherfucker."