"Almost ready!" "Can't wait!" "Honey, I'm scared." "Me too." "My tongue is jammy." "It's gotta be better than those baby duck livers and snails." "Now, I know I've had some misfires in the past, but this time I definitely made something that everyone will love." " Pizza!" " Yeah, I'm sure it will be great, honey." "You can't mess up pizza." "Lord knows the Hawaiians really tried." "I just added one little ingredient from Iron Chef." "Uh-oh." "See if you guys can figure out what the secret ingredient is." "Tar?" "Fire?" "Magic marker?" "Very close." "Squid ink." "I think I'd rather eat the marker." "I know that the coloring's a little bit odd, but the judges on Iron Chef said that everything tastes better with squid ink." "Be sure to save a little bit of room because there's squid ink apple pie in the freezer." "Don't you worry." "We are definitely gonna save room." "How's it taste, Maw Maw?" "I have no idea." "My taste buds have been dead for years." "At this point, it's all about keeping the trains running on time." "See ya tomorrow, Mr. Pizza." "These flowers smell delicious, Sabrina." "Burt, smell these." "Mmm!" "Nothing smells better than fresh-cut flowers." "I struck out again, didn't I?" "You're family, and we love you, but your food experiments are sometimes just... a little hoity-toilety." "You know what, you guys?" "I just think you're being a little bit closed-minded about this." "I think you hear the word squid ink and you just assume that somehow..." "That tastes like a fish had a baby with a copy machine in my mouth." "I don't know what you guys are talking about." "I don't think this is really that bad." "Oh, sure, Jimmy gets black all over his face, everybody laughs." "I do it for Halloween, and it's a town incident." "♪ Whoo!" "Oh, hey, Virginia." "Oh, wow, what's all that for?" "Oh, I'm making angel hair pasta and hot dogs for dinner, mm-hmm." "I call it my "Hair of the Dogs." It's one of Burt's favorites." "Yeah, I totally love that." "I tried that once for a dinner party, but instead of hot dogs," "I got fancy and I used clams." "Tell me you didn't call it "Hair of the Clam."" "Yeah, I didn't really think it through very well." "You shouldn't start out all fancy schmancy with that stuff you only see on TV." "Yeah, it's just like I'm flying blind here, you know?" "Growing up, the only thing I ever saw my mother serve my father in the kitchen were divorce papers." "Growing up, the only thing that I ever saw get baked in the kitchen was my mother." "Growing up, the only thing I ever say my mother do in the kitchen was the pool boy." "Growing up..." "Sabrina..." "Yeah?" "...do you want me to give you some cooking lessons?" "Oh, my God, yeah." "Okay." "Who the hell did that?" "We should all be proud of our Sabrina." "We practiced all yesterday, and this is her first solo attempt at my "Ashes to Mashes, Dust to Crust" casserole." "And it is almost your recipe." "I just had to make one little change." "Oh... you made a change?" "Yeah, I know I'm supposed to add the chip droppings, but I..." "Dust." "It's in the title." "You use the dust in the bottom of the bag." "Right, but Jimmy likes to lick the chip dust out of our chip bags, so I had to improvise." "Jimmy, please tell me you're poking holes in those bags before you lick 'em." "When Barb was younger he got his head stuck in a party-size bag and almost died." "I smelled barbecue and saw a bright light." "It was the scariest and most delicious moment of my life." "This is delicious." "Wow." "This kinda tastes like food." "I think this is even better than Mom's." "Really?" "Better?" "That's kind of a strong word, don't you think?" "You know what else is a strong word?" "Oak." "Which is what I think this table is made out of." "Let's talk about oak for a while." "I gotta try this amazing new recipe." "Hmm." "Different." "I don't know if I'd say "better."" "Mine did win grand prize at the Natesville Hot Dish competition, which is sort of like the Nobel Peace Prize of food." "Sabrina, this is awesome." "I think this is the best casserole I've ever had." "Maybe it's cedar." "Cedar seems like a solid table-making wood." "Jimmy, it really is just your mother's recipe, except for instead of chip dust," "I just ground up some old cereal." "Oh, is that all you added?" "Just cereal dust?" "Whatever she did, it's amazing." "And I can't even imagine how good it's gonna taste when I don't have gum in my mouth." "No, it says right here, "pine."" "Boy, do I feel stupid." "See?" "I told you I could carry you all the way from home." "That was fun." "We should do that more often." "Save a ton of money on gas." "Well, start carbo-loading 'cause you're my ride home." "Hey, guess who I signed up for the Hot Dish competition?" "Is it Michael Hunt?" "'Cause they're on to that joke." "No, no, no." "I signed Sabrina up." "She's gonna carry on the family tradition." "Oak tree, ten o'clock." "Burt, that's a cardboard tree with elves making cookies." "Is it?" "Barney, I'm coming out of retirement." "Sign me up." "Oh, my." "This is like when Rocky came out of retirement in Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V and Rocky Balboa." "Technically, he didn't really come out of retirement in Rocky V." "It was an unsanctioned street fight." "But I appreciate your excitement." "Mmm." "Okay, that was interesting." "Moist, chewy." "I don't want to say soapy, t it had a quality to it." "Burt, you just took a bite out of a sponge I left on the table." "Hmm, better than I would have thought." "Here, let me feed these to you." "I made three casseroles." "Each one has a different new ingredient." "You veo tell me which is the best one." "Uh." "Oh, this one's unbelievable." "I don't think I'd call it a casserole." "I'd call it a kick-ass-erole." "What's the new ingredient?" "Oh, that's a secret." "If I learned one thing from Paula Deen it's to keep my mouth shut." "You know, I was thinking we should get away next weekend." "I've always wondered what the big fuss was about Des Moines." "Are you crazy?" "The Hot Dish competition is this weekend." "Oh, you know what?" "You're right." "You're gonna have to drop out of that." "Hey, let's see what the weather is in Des Moines." "You're being weird." "I'm starting to think you don't want me to be in this contest." "Let's see, weather for Iowa this weekend is thundersnow." "That should be interesting." "Burt." "I'm behind you, Virginia." "If you don't want to be in this contest, don't be in this contest." "I never said that!" "Virginia, why didn't you tell me you were signing up for the Hot Dish competition?" "If you're in it, then I'm just gonna drop out." "Okay, than that's settled." "Who wants to watch Robocop?" "Nothing is settled." "Sabrina, you're not dropping out of the contest." "But don't you think it's gonna be a little bit weird if we're both going up against each other?" "No!" "This isn't about trying to win, it's about community and everyone gets to taste each other's food." "It's just for fun." "Like the Super Bowl." "Okay, if you really don't mind, then I'll do it." "But here's the good news," "I'm really not very competitive, so..." "Oh, please." "I'm, like, a hundred times less competitive than you." "What?" "What?" "I didn't say anything." "I know you, Burt." "You only fake read when something's bothering you." "I'm not fake reading." "I'm actually interested in..." "debt ceilings." "You think we should get one of those?" "We are not gonna buy a ceiling that puts us into debt." "Now tell me what is really bothering you, or it's torture-tickle time." "Virginia, you're not gonna be able to..." "It's nothing, really!" "I was just wondering why you want to beat Sabrina so bad!" "I don't need to beat her." "Tickle torture works both ways." "No!" "No!" "Why?" "!" "Why?" "!" "Why?" "!" "Okay, fine!" "When Jimmy said he liked her casserole better than mine, a little piece of my heart broke." "I didn't hear him say that." "Yes, you did." "Then you changed the subject, started talking about oak." "Oh, the oak tree." "The sturdiest of the hardwoods." "Brother of the maple." "King of the forest." "See?" "You're trying to change the subject again." "Look, I know I wasn't the perfect mom, but the one thing I always got right was cooking." "Mommy, I tried to steal the mouse's peanut butter again." "I know what'll make you feel better." "Some of Mommy's hot dog and macaroni casserole with spray cheese." "Mom, I attacked this door because" "Emily Wilson won't go to the prom with me." "Oh, honey, you don't want to date a muffin top." "You want a muffin topped with dates." "They're a lot sweeter than Emily and they're not pregnant with the gym teacher's baby." "Bradley Wong did it to me again." "He can't have playdates with Hope anymore." "Aw, honey, sit down." "I made corn on the cobbler." "My cooking was always there for Jimmy." "But now I'm afraid he's not gonna be there for my cooking anymore." "Well, Jimmy's still gonna love your cooking." "What does it matter what a couple of judges think?" "Because once I win that contest," "Jimmy's gonna remember how happy my food makes him." "I just want Jimmy to be happy." "Why didn't you say so?" "All I want is for Jimmy to be happy, too." "Are you crazy?" "!" "What was that for?" "Why would you tell Sabrina you like her cooking better than your mom's in front of your mom?" "!" "I was just being honest." "Ah!" "Could you stop doing that?" "I'm sorry, but you keep opening your mouth and stupid stuff keeps coming out." "Okay, signing Sabrina up for the competition was a dumb idea." "I'm sorry." "Ah!" "Never apologize to a man who's slapped you." "What are you doing?" "You know that carny with the milk bottle booth?" "He takes my money every year, but this time" "I'm walking away with that stuffed giraffe." "You know, for a woman your age, it seems a little petty and juvenile to obsess over a stuffed giraffe." "This isn't about the giraffe." "It's about good and evil." "About the triumph of the human spirit." "Proving to society that older people have value." "Really?" "No." "It's about the giraffe." "I know it's highly flammable, filled with shredded Chinese newspaper, but damn it, I want it." "Respect." "And that's coming from the guy who has to clean that up." "I just don't see any way out of this, Jimmy." "I know." "There's no possible solution." "It's like a crossword puzzle." "Well, it's been great spending holidays with you these past 25 years." "Farewell, son." "Too bad there's not someone good enough to beat the both of them." "That's exactly what we need." "A ringer!" "Hello." "Mom, Dad." "This out of nowhere visit is wildly unexpected." "When was the last time we saw you two?" "Oh, that's right." "It was when you lied to Burt about being Jewish and stole all his Bar Mitzvah money." "Virginia, dear, life's too short to carry a grudge." "Yep, if there's one thing we've learned the week we were Jews, is "always forget..."" "and hide your art." "Oh, Burt, would you help your father carry the electric mixer in from the car?" "I've got to get busy on my hot dish." "Wait..." "Hot dish?" "Are you here to enter the competition?" "I'm not here to enter it." "I'm here to win it." "Ow." "What was that for?" "That's for dragging your mother and me into this." "Oh, and for scratching my Datsun 280Z back in 1985." "I know you did it." "You know pitting two females in the same family against each other only leads to trouble." "It's not my fault." "Jimmy started the whole thing." "Oh..." "That's for blaming other people." "I'm sorry." "Never apologize to a man who slapped you." "Can I slap him back?" "You can try." "Well, as long as Mom wins, everything should be fine." "Oh, that's easy for you to say." "You have no idea what your mother makes me do for these damn contests." "Come on, Ralph." "It's a mixer, not a trip to the bathroom." "I expect you to go quicker with less grunting." "♪ My hot dish brings all the boys to the yard ♪" "♪ And they're right, it's better than yours ♪" "♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪" "♪ I could teach you, but I'd have to charge ♪" "♪ My hot dish brings all the boys to the yard ♪" "♪ And they're right, it's better than yours ♪" "♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪" "♪ I could teach you, but I'd have to charge ♪" "♪ My hot dish brings all the boys to the yard ♪" "♪ They're right, it's better than yours... ♪" "♪ Damn right..." "Ooh, Virginia." "That is, hands down, the best casserole you've ever made." "That's your mother's." "Best casserole... ever... to feed to our nation's enemies." "Ship this off to Europe and teach those Italians a lesson." "Welcome to the 2013 Radish Festival!" "Step right up for the ring toss..." "It's not whether you come in first place or even second place." "What's important is that we're together and we make this the best Radish Festival ever." "I'm not gonna lie to you, Burt." "If I lose, I may not take it well." "As in, I may burn Howdy's to the ground and dance on its ashes." "Figuratively." "Wait, does that mean "for real"?" "'Cause I mean "for real."" "So that's why she asked me for the roses." "Burt!" "It's just a dumb competition." "Why does Jimmy have to like your cooking better?" "Isn't it enough that I love your cooking?" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, what about yesterday, with your mom's casserole?" "Well, she's my mom." "You're my husband." "So if I'm supposed to like your cooking better than my mom's, shouldn't Jimmy like Sabrina's better than yours?" "I..." "Great." "In all your synopses, nobody likes my cooking." "Well, in all your synopses, no one's allowed to like anyone else's." "I'm starting to think this isn't about you being a good mom to Jimmy at all." "You just want everyone to like your cooking the best." "No, that's not it at all." "Well..." "Okay, fine, that's exactly it." "Okay, Barbara June." "All your training has come down to this." "Is that an energy drink?" "Sort of." "It's a month's supply of steroids for my arthritis." "I may have a full beard by the end of the day, but I'm going home with that giraffe." "Any word from the judges?" "Nope." "They're still cleansing their palates from this morning's Guess What's In That Sausage competition." "Well, I really think Sabrina has a shot." "Her casserole is unbelievable." "Oh, my... oh, my..." "oh, my God, that's disgusting." "Ugh." "Taste like a dirty sock filled with old cheesecake." "I used to smuggle food into fat camp." "Come on, Barney." "It was great yesterday." "Oh, what happened?" "This is awful." "Ugh, sorry, James." "I guess Sabrina's out." "Well, at least Virginia still has a chance." "Oh, man." "I bet Mom messed with Sabrina's casserole." "She's so competitive." "Well, you know what?" "Just like solitaire, two can play at this game." "Oh, I didn't hear that." "As a respected official of this festival," "I refuse to tarnish my integrity." "Now excuse me while I go sell parched festival-goers" "$10 bottles of tap water." "What are you doing?" "I know what you did to Sabrina's casserole, and now I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine." "Before you do that, why don't you taste the medicine?" "Oh, it's horrible." "Not the juice." "My casserole." "Oh, it's horrible!" "Why can't anyone cook anymore?" "Is it me?" "Maybe I went mouth-blind." "Can people go mouth-blind?" "There's nothing wrong with you or my cooking." "I tanked the contest." "Well, why would you do that?" "I've had the prize for 25 years." "It's Sabrina's turn." "But someone ruined her casserole." "She's not gonna win the contest." "Winning the contest isn't the prize, Jimmy." "So if you didn't mess with Sabrina's hot dish, then who did?" "Attention, please!" "We have a winner in the Hot Dish competition." "Christine Chance and her Much Ado About Stuffing Casserole!" "Guess we know who messed with Sabrina's." "Well, honey, you and Sabrina did an amazing job." "What can you do?" "Grandma's a cheater." "Look, Grandpa's paying off the judges right now." "He's my dad." "I'll take care of this." "What...?" "Casserole coming up." "Casserole coming up." "Dad!" "You've made a terrible mistake." "That is not my mother!" "Settle down, Burt." "It's not what you think." "I was doing this for your mother." "I don't see how lip-wrestling with the editor of Casserole Today could be for her." "See, I throw the judges a little sugar so your mother wins." "I think she'd prefer you kept your sugar to yourself." "No, I wouldn't." "It was my idea." "It certainly wasn't mine." "That judge had been tasting hot dishes for an hour." "Like making out with 14 layers of cheese, beef and mayonnaise." "You two are sick." "Don't be naive." "It's the way the world works, Burt." "Elections, casting couches, local casserole competitions..." "How do you think you made the team in Little League?" "You couldn't make it to second base, so your father had to." "But..." "Like I said to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in '78, you're coming home with me, you tall fre." "Back again!" "Never seem to learn, do you?" "Shut your pie hole, you filthy carny, and give me some balls." "We go by "carnival game technician" now." "Whatever." "I'll make it quick, so you can get back to mouth-kissing your cousin." "Take 'em down, Barbara June." "You got the heat." "You just got to bring it a little lower." "Something I also said to Kareem." "But I've got a problem." "I can't move my arm." "I've seen this kind of dislocation bore." "I'm pretty sure I can pop it back in." "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" "Actually," "I think it's a torn rotator cuff." "And I'm almost certain I just made it worse." "You got to throw for me, Frank." "I got to have that giraffe." "I can't throw." "What the hell's the problem?" "Throw the ball, you wuss." "Run!" "Oh!" "Suck it, homie!" "Well, my parents didn't ruin Sabrina's casserole, but..." "I finally realized how I won that high school essay contest with a hand-drawn picture of boobs." "Well, if Grandma didn't mess with Sabrina's casserole, then who did?" "Guys," "I ruined my own casserole." "Well, I didn't know what else to do." "I knew how much winning this competition meant to you." "You didn't have to do that." "The only reason I entered this contest was to make you proud, not step on your toes." "The only reason I entered the contest was to destroy you in front of Jimmy." "How did our good intentions go so wrong?" "Aw." "Hey, Mom, maybe you can teach Sabrina some more recipes." "She sure did a great job with that last one." "I love that idea." "Now that I've learned how to make a casserole," "I'd love to try some other new things." "Wilfred and I liked to try new things:" "opium, group sex, tiramisu." "Winning the Hot Dish really sparked my competitive fires." "I'm gonna enter the Camden County Muffin Contest in a few weeks." "Oh, I've heard about that." "I think they have all male judges." "Oh, dear Lord."