"You've reached 687-0953 don't bother leaving a message i don't listen to them anyway" "hi lisa if you happen to get this message this is piero mansani a friend of your cousin tommaso i just want to say everything's fine here in livorna i mean, shitty as usual how about rome?" "That is, if you're there, who knows i'll leave you my number again so if you by chance" "what the fuck do you want?" "I'm ready i told you not to bug me when i'm on the phone buy flowers cemetery mommy i'm not going to the cemetery go, mara'll go with you from my diary of those days saturday, april 21" "exhausted i fight the idea of dying in the useless delusion of seeing you again, my love you may ask yourselves how is it possible that a boy not quite 20 with a healthy constitution and a respectable academic record" "can fall so low?" "It's a long story let's start from the beginning" "i came into this world at midnight sharp on march 12, 1974 in a place on via della coroncina neighborhood of ovosodo the super 8 film my father shot didn't come out very well he and mom were very emotional" "because their other son had turned out a bit odd piero?" "Wanna play?" "I have to finish my homework the doctors used to shake their heads when examining him they said he wouldn't live very long but big lvano didn't feel like dying yet leave me alone!" "Mom help!" "Piero you still have that headache?" "Come here darling mom was always a bit sick but she loved us just the same did you and Ivano fight with each other again?" "He hurt me he loves you, you know he could have 'braked' my arm you should say 'broken', not "braked"" "i want a kiss too come on then" "one day mom died we couldn't face it how could we live without her?" "Dad loved her a lot they met while dancing in the summer of '65 he told her he was the son of a tycoon from argentina who left him a huge inheritance and a candy factory an estate in canada with two lakes" "one warm, the other cold but it wasn't true he had been a docker but had been fried for political reasons, he said from that moment on no one had a clue whatsoever" "one day he came home with a big car no one knew where it came from he was always at the bar bumming rum punch" "but mom loved him together it was like the song the most beautiful couple in the world or so i thought" "that afternoon, dad took us aside to talk to us man to man" "now you're both big boy we can talk straight, clear the air, right?" "I've been told about a nice girl a hard worker since you guys are big now we need someone at home who can cook and clean so i thought i'd have her come live with us even can use a hand" "if we can't help each other out listen, mom was mom, no doubt about it what's her name?" "Mara." "She's really a good girl a worker serious." "During the darkest moments of mom's illness she was always there for me she was very kind and understanding and she's nice." "She sings know which song?" "The one you like the one that goes like this i can't sing, but you know the one so." "It's a deal then i'm glad you're with me on this" "easy now" "fucking lousy place don't exaggerate!" "It's nice" "what's wrong now?" "They're looking at me mind your business." "Don't worry about it" "here we are" "this is piero and this is lvano say hello, guys" "he said good morning does he always talk like that?" "I'll show how we're settled badly." "There's even a pigeon a blackbird, i'll get rid of it i wanna lie down my back killing me is there anything cool to drink?" "Orange soda, barley water even a nice little beer she's thirsty." "Something cool there's tap water go get us something at the bar so where's the money?" "You always ask for money when's the last time you changed the sheets?" "They stink easy, baby quiet wait" "come and see" "i can do that too?" "No, not you you?" "No, just dad thank god" "damn" "i can't take it anymore damn that fucking bastard who ruined you did you get the towel?" "Maybe we should take her to the hospital i'll call the ambulance no hospital she doesn't want to go her mother died there your dad, where is that goddamned son of a bitch" "don't you think she's a bit ugly?" "She's all right if she turns out ugly, i'll drown her understand, diana?" "Don't you dare turn out ugly ugly women are all unhappy you called her diana?" "Like the greek goddess and the wife of prince charles now she's got it good he may be ugly but think of the money, the castles the jewels i would go for that" "it must be your dad" "mr." "Nedo mansani, please he's not here we've got a search warrant" "search the bedroom there were words on the warrant i had only heard in the movies arrest warrant criminal association default, fugitive understand?" "This is my house" "who know what dad had done where he had gone at the time, i didn't ask certain questions for some time, i was taken with something else take a guess" "girls the other half of paradise i wondered:" "Now that i'm the son of a fugitive will it be better or worse?" "What would girls think?" "Would they avoid me?" "Admire me?" "I was under a spell they were like aliens to me i was kind of afraid what were they thinking about?" "Did they feel what i was feeling?" "I didn't know what i wanted from them but i wanted it bad the first symptom showed up one summer afternoon i wasn't quite nine years old striker paolo rossi got ready to take the penalty kick german goalie schumacher was ready to make the save" "whoever kicks it out, gets it whoever smells it, deals with it up your nose with a rubber hose if it doesn't fit, sit on it i'm rubber, you're glue whatever you say" "it was exactly three in the afternoon of j uly 11, 1982 a fateful day in a few hours italy would win its third world cup" "that night while everyone was proud to be italian in addition to being from livorno i was very confused from then on the world seemed to me a place where divergent creatures were drawn together to mate i'm left alone with an idiot" "and a good for nothing some day i'm going to leave the gas on and we'll all be blown up" "what have i done wrong?" "Tell me, Ivano i just want to be happy and have a lot of money a nice guy who love me who take me out to dinner who gives me lots of gifts i would love coral earrings" "shut up" "actually, the only thing i liked to do was to go buy milk at the corner store" "i envied my friend mirko for his moped for the store where he loaded up on snacks as much as he wanted but most of all for his mother luana" "put it on your tab?" "See you, good looking i envied him because of katia at age 13, they french kissed i was envious of whomever knew the secret of love while for me that mysterious question became more and more of a problem" "poor, sweet susy susini who lived in my building realized that at her expense" "katia can we go?" "One second, susy when i saw her, her reaction at the time was indecipherable" "did you say something?" "No." "I mean i said hello i thought so, sorry" "are you okay?" "I was convinced she couldn't stand me but katia told me she liked me a lot in fact, one day she called me susy wants you to know she's into you toto, sergino and j uri" "also like her a lot and they even told her so but if you want you two can go out right away." "What should i tell her?" "Can you repeat the question?" "Sorry, but it's noisy in here do i have to give you an answer now?" "Okay i said yes thanks, don't worry about it tell her i said hello" "what did he say?" "He was happy, his voice was shaking this way, the four of us can go out me and mirkio and you and piero" "i've got a girlfriend i read from my diary at the time wednesday, may 14, 1987 i can't describe how i feel since i've found a girlfriend is this love?" "It seems more like pride is lover pride?" "Think about it how's it going?" "Okay." "You?" "Not bad good you going home?" "Yeah, and you?" "I'm going out for a little while see you later" "maybe i took too long to think about it in fact, a few days later katia called me susy doesn't want to go out with you anymore fine, bye i have to admit i felt a strange sadness" "what did he say?" "Fine, bye forget about him, ovosodo's a nerd should we call sergino?" "No come on i said no" "my girlfriend left me what's wrong with me?" "Why couldn't i do what others do?" "I couldn't see myself making 'cucci-cucci' whispering sweet nothing without feeling like an idiot i thought what if i'm like fabio?" "Or even like danielino?" "But no, that wasn't me even if some displays of machismo" "simply shock me when i have them bent over in front of me i don't know what gets into me those beautiful naked backs i feel like punching them" "i didn't dare let on that it shocked me i lived in a world that did not allow nuances one more subjunctive one existential doubt too many and you were branded a 'queer' for life" "dad no, we were all sleeping i'm okay." "I'm studying i have exams in j une not my driver's license, my diploma when are you coming home?" "Nedo?" "My love, honey you were a bastard leaving like this i miss you to death it's a mess here." "They want to evict us the police have come where have you been?" "Don't worry, it's nothing i'll talk to the judge he's a good man committed to civil rights, they say i'll tell him what the deal is love, i've missed you so much" "what do they want from you?" "Nothing i've been framed by some bad guys but there are plenty of witnesses who will see to it that i'm set free people like nedo, you know" "come on, mansani j ust one minute" "at the trial we found out that mercedes was stuffed with cocaine he was sentenced 5 years and 8 months to this day, i don't know if dad knew or if he was really just framed in school i wrote an essay about the misadventures" "of an innocent man who was caught up in things much bigger than he could control i also wrote that the cosmos is not built on a human scale and that man must adapt to it with little gain except those with power and fame" "which even rhymes piero" "your essay is great i want to read it to your classmates to show them what it means for a writer to combine the creativity of a novel with realism of description that is to combine the fun of story-telling with life's dramatic reality" "j ust like dickens, mark twain and salinger i gave you an a but in fact i wanted very much to give you an a+ what is it, batoni?" "Sorry ma'ma but this isn't creativity everyone can do that what do you mean?" "Ovosodo really has a father in jail batoni, you get out why me?" "Because you don't even have the courage to express your opinions" "no, actually, stay here this way you can help me analyze the incomparable masterpiece of our shameless friend there title create a story that could actually happen i, one day an incredible thing happened to me i told everybody about it" "but, swear to god, nobody believed me that it actually really happened everybody would have thought that i made it up all by myself to look cool i ask if it is a daring and reckless inventor of language" "or just a smiling rascal who would do better to study every now and then instead of spending his afternoon shooting lizards and teasing poor fiorella but ma'ma honey, you're wasting your time everyone knows florella likes enrico tampucci" "okay all together the infinite' by our friend giacomino leopardi giovanna was more than a teacher to me more than a mother she was amazing but someone said she was half crazy because her husband died just after they got married" "she was asked to moved what a surprise i brought these back to you you've already read them?" "Good, that means" "pasoline was a little rough but interesting but the other one moravia?" "Yeah, i know it made me depressed but maybe it's just me buricchio, move it are you hungry?" "Should we eat something?" "Have you seen the grades yet?" "No, they haven't put them up yet i went through a lot to get you a good grade but mrs." "Fazio says you're a disaster with equations you finished with honors honors?" "Awesome that word made me want to dress up in jacket and tie smoke with a cigarette holder and go to cocktail parties honors, like prince charles only without the big ears" "the commission supports the continuation of your studies in particular classics yeah right, classics" "that's what it says classics my ass." "Listen to this guy classics, who do you think you are?" "A writer?" "What would you do for work the classifieds are full of ads help wanted, graduates in latin and greek studies, with license ms." "Fornari told me she would pay for my books how generous know what you should tell her?" "If she has money to burn why doesn't she send us a money order?" "Your damned father still has to pay his lawyer instead of dreaming go see my cousin riccardo move it ever since mara arrived her cousin riccardo and his garage had loomed over my future but i had gotten too big for my britches thank to giovanna" "and i couldn't see myself as a mechanic" "finally, i enrolled at caproni high school on via del mare an exotic and elegant place for someone from my neighborhood like beverly hills on the first day i got off at the wrong stop" "it's about time we couldn't wait any longer come this way i'm not used to the bus i got off at the wrong stop" "they sent you alone, on the bus?" "Bastards here we are the third one is clogged and there's also a leaky faucet if you can take a look at it have you been working with mr." "Marmugi long?" "Mr. Matmugi?" "You're not the plumber?" "Apparently i didn't carry myself like the students from this school but so as not to be rude i was about to roll up my sleeves and take a look at that faucet" "sorry section a was the most prestigious i never know if i was there by mistake or because giovanna had been hard at work unbeknownst to me biagini" "luca's brother?" "My brother remembers you fondly what a lovely boy chimenti doctor chimenti's daughter give him my best regards gargani the son of the renowned captain i suppose actually he's now an admiral congratulations i'll be sure to tell him" "mansani of course." "Your father is that nice gentleman the rotary club vice president no i meant not any more no?" "From then on a shroud of mystery descended over my father's life so dense it even fooled me" "initiation come on." "Run the gauntlet how about you?" "Come on curly i told you to leave me alone" "nice going, asshole moron!" "Moron!" "I was no expert when it came to punches but at school, what i could do was more than enough in my neighborhood you had to know how to fight if you wanted respect there were certain guys who were absolutely nuts" "furio brondi bit the heads off lizards sniffed gasoline, then tortured us kids what are your mother?" "Whores what do i do to your mother?" "Fuck her up the ass and you?" "What he said good." "Good boy you have a few coins by chance?" "We'll go home to get them we'll be right back now he's in rehab weaving baskets silvano ciriello, we called wyoming for his special talent he could also say hawaii iowa and palaia" "which was his mother's hometown at school i minded my own business" "but i earned a name for writing essays and i learned how to exploit" "50 (non-negotiable)" "I'm done." "Can i go now?" "Yes, go head knock yourself out" "there's only a half-hour left subject?" "Literature." "Count ugolino current events?" "Drugs ugolino 50,000, drugs 30,000 i have one ready on the european union for 20,000 it's worth b, b+ do drugs send someone in 15 minutes i can only do three paragraphs otherwise you won't able to copy them all" "make it good or i'm gonna fail i was respected sometimes even feared some people may have even liked me but i was really lonely and i stayed that way for four long years in that seat, in the second-to-last row" "the first day of my last year" "gargani, see what that strange man wants" "finally." "How do you get into this school?" "Normally, through the front door it's closed, and it's only 8:30 what, is this the naval academy?" "Actually, it's 8:40 wanna know what happened?" "I just got here when i realized that i had my slippers on i had to go back home to put these on who are you?" "Tommaso paladini." "This is 5a, right?" "Can i come in?" "Make yourself at home where should i sit?" "Here?" "Perfect!" "Comfortable seat, great view" "i'm ready, go ahead i don't know where you picked up these strange manners you're right, i come from classics it's become a real hole clean up you act that's why i'm here" "i feel changed already" "where are you going?" "Home i take the 12 and then change to the 30 where the hell do you live?" "After via garibaldi i'll give you a ride it's pretty far." "Where do you live?" "Don't worry about it is it gonna make it?" "Push" "aren't they waiting for you at home?" "No one ever waits for me sorry" "goddamn it dry as a bone" "we can't even siphon some off got 2,000 lire?" "No" "i'll call a friend of mine he'll give you some gas it's great here it looks like naples, berlin, bucharest mirko they're not back from the store yet thanks, renata c'mon piero i'm coming" "who's that?" "My brother lvano" "delicious, really, out of the world" "even the pasta was exquisite i'd like to come and live here with piero, diana and Ivano can i call your mom?" "That's all i need" "big lvano, leave him alone you're hurting me tommaso was the key encounter of my adolescence like brian eno for u2 and coach bearzot for the italian soccer team glory and disgrace had him as driving power" "hi piero." "Good morning bye susy" "bye mom with him." "I set out to discover a whole new world which had nothing to do with my neighborhood with those afternoons studying in mirko's store" "at the start of our friendship i remember skipping lots of meals tiananmen, commander marcos mandela and the panther movement zhang ymou, peter jackson, tondelli getting high, kurt cobain kissing and being kissed smelly feet coming home at dawn with my head spinning" "what time is it?" "It's late you know if you don't say good night to him he doesn't go to sleep but what do you care you're on you own in the morning" "good night, piero good night, go to sleep" "the days passed the panther was caught the students had returned to their places but that seat in the second-to-last row was always empty mansani beggar paladine bogus anarchist get out you're the one who taught me what's important" "that's why i could appreciate tommaso when i met him otherwise i would have judged him by his appearance which was repulsive tell me about this tommaso guy you could have dreamed him up he's funny, smart, an elegant bum" "really?" "He's a living paradox the kind of guy we both like everyone is unique in his own way but certain people are made in many different ways on the surface, they seem simple but inside, there's much more" "he's smooth, sharp, cultured attractive, with a nice profile and a nice smell too okay, so she's nice she's the nicest person i know she should be the pride of this town i don't like nice people" "i understand in the sense that being nice is a fade mafioso virtue typically italian in france, england they don't try to be good they care for real virtues that's it, right?" "I was wrong to say giovanna is nice i belittled she she's so much more only assholes are nice, right?" "Good." "Can you pay?" "I've got no money" "this music will have to do i've stopped trying to keep up with the latest hits tschaikovsky, the pathetic the second movement, the best one how's the ratatouille?" "Exceptional a kind of semolina with peppers?" "Kind of the wine should be cool enough now" "he's not as repulsive as you said he even brought flowers i told him to buy them and not to steal from city flowerbeds he never has any money i think he's poor what do his parents do?" "He said his father's a gardener, a thief he's dead i don't think he has a mother where does he sleep?" "All over the place one time he even slept at my brother's feet" "to my friend piero and this enchanting angel" "three cheers for livorno" "for our second course something unusual and tres chic chinese shrimp?" "Roasted chicken and potatoes everlasting, like the infinite by leopardi and the sanremo music fest i get the thigh no, i get it there should be two what's the law of potatoes?" "There are never enough the inescapable cartesian axiom descartes wrote about potatoes?" "That's right descartes is from the 1600s and potatoes were brought from america in the 1500s, right?" "You know, you're pretty funny another drop the night took on a french flavor we talked about mallarme truffaut, henry levy about a special wine called sauterne i felt as happy as a character out of flaubert i ignored what was about to happen" "but let's not get ahead of ourselves tommaso and giovanna went to get some dessert" "where's the nutcracker?" "It always gets lost and the scissors?" "Who knows where they end up there's a parallel universe a virtual world inhabited by nutcrackers and scissors i hate the word virtual i hate when they say i'm at the office" "i hate it intrigues me this book intrigues me it's almost worse than engaging and offensive" "what are you doing?" "We spent the rest of dinner practically in complete silence something inside me did not want to think of something my ears were ringing it was my mind racing to avoid thinking about what it was thinking about" "thanks for dinner, see you soon" "don't ever bring him here again" "in the next days giovanna called me a lot but i didn't feel like talking" "tommaso just disappeared" "they say paladini won't be coming to school anymore you're not friends anymore?" "Mind your fucking business how nice i'm just telling you because i found this under the desk if you can give it to him, fine otherwise, i don't give a shit actually i can't stand the guy" "he didn't come today either?" "Tommaso?" "Do you know where i can find him?" "How are you doing?" "Okay his mother always hangs up on me his mother?" "He has a mother?" "You know nothing about him, do you?" "Neither do i i've gotta go" "what should i know?" "What happened?" "Nothing i mean i'll call you." "No, you call me" "again form my diary of those days friday, december 18 i feel angry, shocked and shamed of myself who's tommaso?" "And who's giovanna?" "What happened between them?" "Who am i?" "Why do i want to strangle tommaso?" "Think about it" "i think i've got the wrong house i'm new around here i'm on my way." "Good boy" "excuse me, i was looking for... your son, i think my son?" "Where can i find him?" "He died six years ago who are you?" "Dead for six years?" "You're not tommaso's father would i be here shoveling?" "Dolores this young man is looking for signorino tommaso he's not here, he's in rome" "he's in rome at his uncle's place you want the address and number?" "Sure, thanks if only i had understood our teacher's little game about famous relations i would have figured out who tommaso was the son of mr." "Paladini, knight of rodi commendatore, owner of a pier in the industrial port and head of palchimica ins which for twenty years has been polluting my neighborhood with its toxic exhaustions" "sorry, i know it's a bad time but something incredible has happened did i wake you?" "I know you and i have lost touch recently but we're good friends, right?" "So i said i'll go talk to my friend right away, is that okay?" "Talk about what?" "Brace yourself i broke up with katia after six years." "Can you believe it?" "I'm a wreck c'mon" "i told her i took you to the movies to see cristopher lambert to see the vallesi concert in ponsacco i took you to the pitignano market there was a big sale and just once, i wanted to see the stunt car" "i even had free tickets you want to deny me this satisfaction?" "You're being unfair." "Am i right?" "Yeah, but don't speak so loud i'm glad you agree with me what, are you going somewhere?" "I'm going to rome to look for my friend" "you know what, piero ol' buddy?" "I've got a nice surprise for you another one?" "I'm coming with you j ust like old times, remember?" "No we never took a trip together?" "I don't think so you see?" "I'm all messed up i may be out of mind but i know what i want to live my life enough with these chains, katia mom, the store, all that right, piero?" "I'm coming with you plus i've never been to rome are we taking the train?" "They say there' a bunch of stations in rome you have to be careful not to make a mistake rome olympic stadium rome vatican, rome termini rome terminillo where are we getting off?" "Take it easy, i don't have any money i have to hitch-hike i don't even know where i'm going to sleep i don't think it's a good idea for you to come, mirko." "Think about it piero, my friend, i have thought about i'm coming" "rome!" "Rome-ward bound" "taste, you want?" "My mom made it no eat?" "I have potato chips snack for baby pecorino cheese." "They make it here capalbio 7 km.!" "Can you believe it?" "There's occhetto's oak the symbol of new communist party piero too, right?" "Would you pipe down they're nice the swedes have always been very cool take stenmark and bjorn borg that reminds me, is he still dating loredana berte?" "I'm not a lady but a woman with just star in her life if only katia was here to see this awesome meanwhile i was thinking when i get there, i'll be cool i'll ask for an explanation without getting pissed off" "i'll try to be aloof, like the english do no way!" "My best buddy give me a hug" "he's awake what happened?" "Your buddy slugged you you livorno guys are expressive did he take off?" "He's in the john with nosebleed the count socked him something just came over him sorry, i don't know what got into me he hit you, i hit him the kid who's with him is over there" "did you hit him too?" "He took a few drags and passed out he's gone livorno!" "Wake up you're crazy what about you?" "Did you come here to knock me out?" "Don't tempt me, i'll do it again why did you do it?" "Are you gonna tell me or do i have to guess?" "I get it you saw my house and you were shocked horrors!" "My father's rich." "Is it my fault?" "May be it is, since even i'm ashamed to admit it i promise i'll waste it all as soon as i can then will you forgive me?" "It's not that i ran into giovanna" "how's she doing?" "Badly, it seems that night i tried to kiss her i realized i had gone too far so the next night i called her you called her to apologize we talked all night and then i went to her place" "and slept together in her bed?" "Where else?" "On the floor?" "She was acting strange the next morning she felt guilty go figure she said get out of here then she ran after me grabbed me by the hair then she said sorry gave me a kiss and burst out laughing she sat down and said i don't feel good" "and then she started crying i told her i'd see her again that evening but you never went i was on my way but i ran out of gas i started hitch-hiking and this really nice chick on her way to rome picked me up" "so you came to rome with her i'm sorry, man, really, but what can i do?" "Where're you going?" "Home." "What's there to do here?" "Wait, let me see my cousin lisa tonight then we'll take off what, you wanna leave me here feeling guilty?" "Too good plate, please this sauce is out of this world with the bacon my mom sells at the shop" "check it out they eat pasta that's half-cooked they say it's easier to digest they're kinda weird here in rome they smoke that wacky weed i took a puff 'cause i'm open-minded but i didn't feel anything" "rome didn't change me a bit" "do you want to eat something finally, you made it she's swedish she looks like a couple of friends i met" "hi lisa." "The owner of the house hi, you must be lisa, tommaso's cousin i think i've seen you somewhere before j ust for a second i don't think so i'm piero mansani." "And this is my friend nice to meet you, mainardi you want something to eat?" "Thanks sit down, make yourself comfortable" "now i remember where i saw you in a picture in tommaso's diary you were wearing a dark green jacket doc martens boots and a striped scarf but you had shorter hair, i think a bus was passing behind you" "the number 94 bus i mean i think so, i just glanced at it tommy, any calls?" "This fabio guy, and giancarlo and someone with a funny name alexa max alexa?" "Wasn't he in jail?" "Your friend in jail?" "What'd he do?" "Resisting arrest he kicked out the window of a cruiser and put a cop in the hospital why?" "Why?" "Are you joking?" "Cops are helpful without them, the criminals would do whatever they wanted think about your uncle, they would steal everything he's got if he didn't let them, they'd kick his ass did you hear that?" "I can't believe this friend of yours what did i say?" "Let's see if you can follow this cops don't serve us they only defend the interests of the powers that be what powers?" "What, are you stupid?" "The state so what?" "We're the state are you sure?" "Let me ask you something, buddy do you believe in santa claus?" "What's santa claus got to do with it?" "Italian cops." "I've always liked them even the carabinieri cops have a cooler more modern look though piero where are you going?" "I'm just going in there my little buddy from livorno you're one of a kind" "i was looking for the bathroom then i thought the stereo was bothering you do me a favor, hand me a cigarette" "come here." "Sit down what's going on in there?" "Nothing." "J ust talking talk with me about what?" "Who are you?" "Piero mansani we talked earlier, remember?" "I go to school with your cousin the guy with a cool family tommaso told you that i bet you're a libra pisces no way you should get a tattoo of two little fish i never thought about it wouldn't it hurt?" "Tell me, why do you live here all alone?" "Are your folks on vacation?" "Mom is traveling with greenpeace and dad's in san francisco with his new girlfriend, claire she was his patient, anorexic manic-depressive, a real pain in the ass your dad's a doctor?" "Psychiatrist really?" "And you?" "Do you study?" "Last year, i was in art school then after attempting suicide my folk sent me to chateaubriand which is an awful place full of spoiled brats suicide attempt?" "I tried twice how many times have you tried?" "J ust about every day it's basically a mental exercise it's a normal juvenile compulsion or so it seems, who knows one time i swallowed two bottles of pills that i found in my dad's office they pumped my stomach" "then another time i injected a syringe full of air into my vein happiness is the disease of imbecile who said that?" "Rimbaud, celine i made it up you're just a smalltown kid who believes everything he's told right?" "Say yes that's right you're cute now i'm going to sleep but don't go away if i wake up, we'll keep talking and you keep telling me i'm right" "i'm leaving to where?" "Home." "You staying?" "Are you kidding?" "Wait" "wait up, you taking off without telling me?" "During the trip home tommaso warned me about his cousin he said she was a lunatic who just wanted to make guys drool and didn't give a damn about anyone i reassured him me?" "In love?" "Are you kidding?" "Three month later don't bother leaving a message i don't listen to them anyway hope you don't mind me leaving another message" "another two lines i wrote down i don't know how you, so exhausted can resist in this lake of apathy that is your heart may be an amulet saves you that you keep close to your lip liner" "are you out of your mind?" "Please, i'm on the phone that's the hundredth call this morning all long-distance you sleep all day, don't go to school get out of here not a chance, you get out of here i can't stand it here anymore" "you made your brother cry he may be dumb, but you know he only goes out to see his mother at the cemetery you hurt his feelings now he's afraid to talk to you" "months passed, i didn't get one phone call, one message people had started to go on vacation" "i said no, do it yourself" "you haven't written anything, obviously i'm done, may be i'll hand it in maybe i won't maybe i'll have it published" "will i see you later?" "No, i'll see you tomorrow i don't think i'm coming tomorrow then the day after tomorrow my cousin's coming tomorrow i'm going to pick her up lisa?" "She's on the way to corsica listen, tell her i said hello maybe it's better if you get her i've been absent too many times you can borrow my moped mansani, paladini sorry" "paolo, how are you?" "Tommaso couldn't make it so i came to get you isn't livorno on the sea?" "I want to go swimming we've got nothing but the sea" "on the way to the coast, i thought paolo, giovanne, call whatever you want as long as you keep holding me like this" "check out this dive, it's called 'the cannonball'" "did i splash you?" "Tomorrow i'll take you to the beach the sand there, it's like being in the caribbean thank to the run-off from the bicarbonate factory don't you have to study?" "Everything's under control paolino, you're a madman" "paolino?" "What's wrong?" "What do you think of someone who when he sees someone he loves realizes she feels bad but pretends he didn't see anything?" "He doesn't even have the guts to say hello someone who love, who?" "Don't worry about it i know the answer" "you're a sensitive little guy a coward, i never have the guts even now with you for example, i would die before asking you to kiss me then you're proud." "It's a virtue come here" "hey, thanks you're welcome i make you laugh, don't i?" "So then maybe i'm in love because someone in love acts like this ridiculous you don't seem ridiculous to me so i guess you're not in love it's understandable someone like you in love with someone like me?" "What are you talking about?" "It wasn't the first time i had touch a woman's body but there was no comparison that time with my second cousin patrizia doesn't count one time, she smothered me with kisses and her big tits now she's a kindergarten teacher" "i hope those poor kids are okay paolo" "then there was marina we called her 'vespucci' like the navy training ship this floozy weaned most of the adolescents in the neighborhood" "i want to tell you a lot of things go ahead first of all, my name isn't paolo" "what is it?" "It's piero, but it doesn't matter then i have a proposal let's stay right here, today, tomorrow the day after tomorrow but i'm leaving soon to be frank, if i were you i wouldn't go to corsica" "the ferries are uncomfortable they're always late sometimes they even sink it's too hot there in the summer the vegetation is really dry perfect conditions for deadly fires and then there are attacks by independence fighters dying on vacation must be really suck" "do you like the idea of dying?" "Then let's die together, right here we'll hold hands and jump into the canal but i told you, ernesto's waiting for me with the ticket i wouldn't even take a bus with someone named ernesto" "why?" "J ust kidding i joke too much, don't i?" "Then here's something serious go ahead i love you" "lisa went to meet ernesto the ferry left right on time and despite my prayers, it didn't sink" "now about d'annunzio's work debenedetti talked about a sort of deductive mechanism discuss the concept in light of the analysis made during the year on decadentism and the doctrine of the superman" "in light of the analysis we did in class on decadentism and the doctrine of superman we can say that when debenedetti talked about those things you said i pretty much agree" "so you don't like d'annunzio either?" "With all due respect, he's the worst let's review." "Carducci was a windbag pascoli was smarmy manzoni paternalistic tell us which author you like this year i read some great stuff lan mcewan, benni, pennac andrea pazienza's comics they have a literary dignity a fantastic book by chatwin, 'songlines'" "nelson mandela's biography that man has had an incredible life you know this, right?" "You know this?" "You don't?" "Even in your written exam you showed a commendable 'verve' but you completely missed the subject you began with leopardian pessimism and you got lost in an incomprehensible tirade against tourism, ferries and you seem to have something against those who go to corsica" "quite frankly, i don't know what to say you're right, neither do i who cares about church reform about vittorio amedei ii of aosta and his son carlo emanuele iii watch out my dad let me drive here when i was a kid" "take it easy i told them let's talk about saddam hussein us oil policy and what the fuck we're gonna do in the european union you'd have done that without banging your shoe on the table kruschev did it at the un too" "yeah, but his feet didn't stink who give a shit, they'll fail us both we're rejects, human garbage speak for yourself that night, i realized that destiny would separate us i failed because of that exam and that i had too many absences" "he passed, but just barely they said his father had intervened to protect his heir but i think the school just wanted to get rid of that ball-breaker who left for greece before going off to university i decided not to go back to school" "maybe i would look for work but taking my time let's go i don't feel like it he's not coming c'mon?" "Diving i don't want to." "Go play with diana let's see how far you get by not doing shit all day there's nothing to eat, deal with it" "they say melancholy is just the presence of a neurotransmitter called serotonin in your brain it makes you dangle like dead leaves you get used to the agony and you never want to get better i was all alone i didn't even have mirko around" "he joined the police force and was part of the security team for an important anti-mafia judge" "good morning i'm looking for ms." "Giovanna fornari visiting hours are at five are you a relative?" "A friend come with me" "it's nothing but tears here and i love crying doesn't this lady have any relatives?" "Not in livorno." "Why?" "Someone should talk to her she doesn't eat, doesn't sleep refuses to take her medicine the other day she slapped the doctor what's wrong with her?" "They used to call it a breakdown now who knows what it's called talk to her thank you" "sweetie, i'm so happy to see you what a nice surprise how are you?" "Great i had a little breakdown and would've already gone home but the doctor is so arrogant he said i had to take all the tests he's holding me hostage how are you?" "Not bad you owe me an explanation how could you fail?" "I was an idiot, they were right to fail me it happens." "You'll do great this year i want to see a perfect score, ok?" "Let me see you." "You've gotten taller you've put on weight, you look good you look thinner i'm trying to keep up with fashion an anorexic top model as soon as i get home we'll have a big dinner we'll have chickpea pie" "my mouth is already watering my sweetie what a surprise" "that september, dad got out of jail he took that job at cousin riccardo's garage but he always got up late and never went to work" "see you, dad where are you going?" "To the employment office maybe they have some new jobs sit down, you're always in a rush i'm late you've changed of course i have" "too much, i mean i'll see you at lunch" "before christmas the cops came to take him away again he'd stolen a car with two gypsies as accomplices but he had enough time to get mara pregnant again" "nice one awesome" "9,200250 he broke the piggy bank that's all i have you're in bad shape take this, smoke to sergino's health" "hey what an honor for our bowling alley:" "The great piero mansani how are you?" "Not bad." "You look good are you running out to one of your million commitments?" "No we're going to have a pizza later if you don't have anything better to do and my friends don't even look at me this is my first love i had a crush on him and he didn't even look at me" "what a fool thanks, but i left my wallet at home it's my treat after graduation, i applied for a job at the hospital and lucky, they hired me right away the salary isn't bad, i'm saving up to rent an apartment" "that's great, and you probably have a boyfriend too tell me about it i broke up with alessandro in j uly a total idiot." "His life was the gym soccer and the stadium i saw all the livorno game home and away fascinating isn't it?" "And let's not even talk about sex one time after we had done it i saw he was down, so i asked him:" "Anything wrong?" "He said:" "I'm not satisfied with my pecs and lower abs when you and i were going out so to speak i used to play a silly game when i heard you coming down i would run to the peephole and say" "he's wearing an orange t-shirt if i guessed right you were in love with me it couldn't have been hard i always wore the same clothes that's how i fooled myself thank for the pizza, goodnight no problem" "wait sorry, but i thought who know when i'll get another chance" "i thought check out susy and also maybe i could give it a try maybe i'll look for her tomorrow but instead, they came looking for me guys from the military three months of training in barletta then to rome's grenadiers" "where, during leave, i reminisced about that brief trip to the capital years ago the tv presenter frizzi live here with his wife rita the tv host maria giovanna elmi lives over there with her husband gianfranco and their daughter marianna" "next door to the anchor-man funari who moved to milan his first wife lives here with their daughter you romans just can't understand you're used to living with celebrities but it's different for us hick mansani, tell them" "i was saying, whoever was born in rome doesn't understand where's he going?" "Bastard!" "Get your hands off her running away, huh?" "You okay?" "What are you doing here?" "Transferring vehicles but i'll be sent near home soon i had my big shot uncle recommend me for the post it's great to see you me too where'd you go?" "I missed you mansani, what the hell i'm right here!" "Duty calls you look cute in uniform you too, even without a uniform" "call me my uncle was such a big shot that i was sent to the extreme north to guard the inviolable i called lisa, but i always got the usual machine" "i thought it was over between us but then i found a train that was coming up here so i thought i'd surprise you" "do you mind?" "Want something else?" "I don't know what we can do now this place only has video games and a bar with a juke box the closest cinema is in udine i could borrow a car but i don't have a license." "Do you?" "Let's go upstairs" "what's wrong?" "I feel a bit... i have to be back in barracks in twenty minute or i'm in big problem sorry" "tomorrow i'll get a pass and i'll come get you and we go for a ride gorizia is pretty interesting you're going?" "There's this sergeant who's been picking on me you make me sick what?" "You were right, you're a coward even worse, a liar you said you love me." "It's not true you don't love me it's been a long time no one like me that's not true i never want to see you again maybe it's better if we talk tomorrow i never saw her again" "i heard she joined a buddhist ashram she's doing okay and she has a boyfriend, a holy man i'd like to take the opportunity to thank this buddha because lisa could have met a bad end like poor giovanna" "she swallowed all the medicine she has refused to take all in one gulp" "so you're looking for work?" "I've applied everywhere even at your father's factory i hope they bomb the place it's polluting half the city anyway, you live in the other half now i live in pisa you must have taken a lot of exams" "not even one the school is a dumping ground for small time losers but some folks are really interesting like the ones who do theater with me what are you doing?" "We're working on dostoevsky our first play debuts on sunday what's it about?" "Come, so you can see for yourself" "welcome to st." "Petersburg piotr nedovic mansanski seem like you've decided to be happy at any cost what are you doing?" "You crazy?" "Welcome to st." "Petersburg come sleep with us pavel pavlovic miss claudia petrovna and i await you for tea" "hey there handsome stranger do you know how to dance?" "I'm a friend of tommaso's come with me velcaninov is very angry with you who?" "You're a handsome scoundrel take advantage of this poor body it'll cost you just a few kopecs really, i don't have a lira" "this won't cost you anything, stranger wretched bourgeois you think men are dogs you judge everyone in your small-minded way you're all vermin, you disgust me disgusting shut up, you fool" "i liked it." "I've never been to the theater i thought i'd be bored but instead it was like being st." "Petersburg, not pisa are you messing with me?" "No." "But i didn't understand the plot very well go to hell, you and the plot here you go, handsome stranger tommaso didn't even introduce us piero, cristina, my... what are you?" "My concubine, lover, geisha whatever you want, i love him please to hear it" "she's cute." "Congratulations i didn't know you were attached if your want to take advantage i saw how you two were kissing actually i know, i know, she kissed you she also stuck her tongue in the light technician's mouth" "maybe she just wanted to draw my attention too bad, she's really cute this fucking love that you all talk about depressed me i just want to live like a dog and rummage through the garbage of life like that hungarian poet used to say" "what's his name?" "Give it a rest, like my uncle from lucca used to say" "that night, i got over any regrets i had about not studying i was lucky because at the time, april 1994 i was unexpectedly blessed by the new italian miracle" "i got one of those million jobs that the new government promised at tommaso's father's factory without even a recommendation the job waiting list is a kind of hit parade of the unlucky ones with a dead mother, a dad in prison and a handicapped brother" "i entered the top ten triumphantly keep in mind that genercomit europa is gaining but the fideuram index is low you won't do shit with the fideuram index actually, it's important you have to go with secure italian commodities" "capital credit, for example has been performing well if you ask me there's no question marks or treasury bonds how much have you invested?" "Nothing, but if i had money" "my co-workers, most of them older and married were much different than what i'd imagined during my revolutionary high school days they used to pick on me but they like me because i tried to lighten up the endless work day" "so does pip get together with estrella?" "Piero, does he?" "Hold on first, there's the inheritance he got from the convict the guy pip helped out?" "Yeah, and after finding him with his friend herbert he tries to help him escape to australia but he fails after the daring escape by boat on the thames he is arrested they arrested pip?" "You idiot." "The other one does he get together with estrella?" "Wait after the fire which kills mrs." "Avisham estrella free herself from the old woman and goes with pip and then they fuck it doesn't say in the story i really identified with uncle joe he was kind and patient with miss gargery it was like seeing myself with my wife" "bube has to hide out because they're after him and mara decides to stay with him at the hunters' shed and they fuck right and then the party car comes to take them away to russia does she go with him?" "She stays and waits for him she finds a job and she goes out with a really nice guy and they have a lot of fun and she fuck him too god, you are disgusting no, they don't fuck" "everyone knows she's bube's girl and she wants to remain faithful to him in fact, when bube comes back for the trial they convict him?" "He killed a cop and his son they won't give him a medal right, piero?" "Are you mansani?" "You're expected in the manager's office" "order in the court we can only take three opinions i think they're going to fire him i think they're going to promote him i think they're going to fuck" "this way who wants to see me?" "Mr. Paladini, in the conference room" "mr." "Mansani dear piero, finally i trouble you because we wanted to surprise tommaso today is his birthday do you know my wife?" "Diletta, this is piero chiara, her sister, director of personnel lucarelli, my son-in-law the commercial director, mr." "Bruni all set?" "We have the candle turn off the lights" "you're all crazy, i'm out of here blow the candles out" "speech his dad spoke, announcing that tommaso was going to the states since he hadn't done anything in pisa they sent him to harvard he said he couldn't wait for tommaso to take his place so he could enjoy his retirement in cuba with commies and palms" "but may be he was joking, who knows" "tommaso has told me so much about you and you family your father, the poor dear i know i made you a little package from what was left over, so you can bring it to your brother and the woman who lives with you" "and give them my best regards i mean it, i care thank you, you shouldn't have let's go" "are you really going to america?" "Yeah, but if they think i'm going to study business administration i already know the low-down on boston's jazz clubs there's a cool artists' community it's only two hours by train to new york why don't you come too?" "Me?" "To do what?" "J ust come, you'll see when you get there maybe one of these days" "check it out." "Dad's present useless, i can't even take it to boston wanna go for a ride?" "No, i have to go back in otherwise your father'll fire me my friend" "good luck i got you all dirty" "when i get there i'll call you and give you my address" "i got home depressed that day as if all i had ahead of me was my pension luckily, i was wrong" "on the luggage rack?" "Yeah, thanks moving?" "Yep i'll put this over there i found a lovely apartment top floor, with a view of the fortress you have to come see me if you want, right now so i can help great i don't pay much either 120,000 with rent control" "believe that?" "A teacher used to live here but they said she was transferred i think this is the key i have to change the lock" "great what do you think?" "Small, but it's got a certain charm now it's empty, check out the terrace" "buricchio" "you've never seen him before?" "No think he's hungry?" "C'mon." "I'll give you some milk see how things turn out?" "One person's misfortunes leave room for another's happiness where solitude and desperation used to live you can bring back a little i don't know what it called hope?" "Joy?" "Love?" "They're all big words but you got the picture" "were you careful?" "Not me." "Were you?" "You didn't take, you didn't have nothing" "oh god honey what's wrong?" "Are you crying?" "From that day on we saw each other every day in exchange for some odd jobs i found dinner on the table" "not like that, you have to brush that's why it didn't work she convinced me to get that damned diploma by self study unification of italy?" "porta pia?" "crispi government 18,851,886 colonial policy that's enough you want your son to have an ignorant father?" "What do i care, i don't have kids and i don't want any you're not pregnant, are you?" "Six weeks what do we do now?" "I didn't tell you so you could decide what to do i've already decided you want to keep it definitely what if they don't renew my contract what if i'm unemployed?" "Who asked you for anything i have a job i get a year's maternity leave my mom will help me out are you hungry?" "So what, i don't count?" "Do what you want i can tell people that he's the son of a hospital patient a fallen aristocrat whom i made happy on his death bed you're joking." "You're crazy a kid is a huge responsibility i feel sick poor baby, he's sick that's right" "if it's a girl, you've got to call her givoanna like joan of arc i was thinking valentina martina no, givoanna sounds better giovanna mansani can i have some water?" "I've got something stuck right here like i ate a hard-boiled egg with the shell it doesn't go up or down in j uly i got my diploma in september we took the leap" "the ceremony was nice even though a bit tiring there was mirko who had married katia they're expecting a second kid he risked his life protecting that judge in sicily then lost his hand in a stupid accident but not his sense of humor" "with the compensation he opened a sandwich bar he told me, i need a hand and burst into laughter every now and then i work for him to make a little extra" "dad is almost done going time if all goes well, he'll be out before christmas" "big lvano is doing really well the doctors finally faced the facts a swiss psychiatrist from lucca is writing an article on his case he goes out alone now and spends time with his african buddies i'd pay to know what they talk about" "and in what language i figure maybe he's not retarder maybe he's just a foreigner giovanna was born in october everyone says she looks exactly like me when i was a baby" "thanks to my diploma i'm working with computers one day i happened to find the website of one tommy paladini from boston he offers catalogs of on-line exhibits bootleg tapes maps of alternative boston all at give-away prices one of these days i'm gonna send him some e-mail" "every morning before bringing giovanna to daycare and going to the hospital susy drive me to work and rain or shine she always says the same thing" "you get more handsome everyday and i go to work nice and happy maybe i've become a complete idiot or maybe just i'm happy except for that sort of hard- boiled egg inside which doesn't go up or down" "but which keeps me company now like an old friend"