"# On the day!" "was born The nurses all gathered round" "And they gazed in wide wonder." "At the joy they had found" "The head nurse spoke up" "# She could tell right away That I was bad to the bone" "Bad to the bone... [sound of rapid gunfire]" "Bad to the bone Bad to the bone..." "Let's move out!" "B-b-b-b bad B-b-b-b bad" "# Bad to the bone" "# When I walk the streets Kings and queens step aside" "# When I meet them They all stay satisfied" "# I wanna tell you this, baby Where I see I make my home" "# I'm here to tell ya, honey." "That I'm bad to the bone..." "My arm!" "I've been shot!" "Let me take a look at that." "Want me to show you a little trick?" "Take your mind off that arm?" "Give me your hand." "You may feel a little pressure." "[agonized cry]" "My finger!" "My finger!" "Works every time." "# Well, I'm bad to the bone Bad to the bone" "B-b-b-b bad B-b-b-b bad" "B-b-b-b bad Bad to the" "You had better give up, señor." "You cannot kill us all." "Nope, but I can clean your colon out quicker than one of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce." "# Bad to the bone B-b-b-b bad" "B-b-b-b bad B-b-b-b bad I" "At ease, Payne." "Relax Do you know why you're here?" "Sir, no, sir!" "The promotion board report came out last week." "This is the new Lieutenant Colonel list." "Your name is not on it." "You get two chances to advance then we gotta show you the hatch." "Base Admin is cutting your discharge orders right now." "General, are you tryin' to tell me in all this man's military there's no room left for a trained weapon of destruction?" "Fighting is no longer done on the battlefields." "Now all the blood is shed in Congress." "Boys like us are becoming dinosaurs." "Gotta be somebody need some killin'." "I'm sorry, Major, there's no one left." "You've killed 'em all." "Good luck" "[Payne] It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man and already I'm startin' to get the itch." "Problem is, I am got nothin' to scratch." "God, I'm hungry." "Hungry for action." "Hungry for blood." "Hell I'm just plain ol' hungry." "[cat meows and he hisses]" "Feel I'm gettin' weaker while Charlie's growin' stronger in the jungle." "I can't lose my edge." "I gotta keep my Gotta main tam discipline. 1" "Because the hard reality was" "I gotta get a job." "And what better place than somewhere that would allow ma to employ my skills as a trained killer?" "Mister..." "Payne?" "This is a dramatization of a domestic violence dispute." "You arrive to End a woman, played by Ms Goodman..." "Ma'am." "..claiming to have been assaulted by her husband, Mr Shipman." " Happy to meet you." " Same here." "Your objective is to effectively neutralize the situation." "Neutralize." "Begin." "He hit me!" " You like to beat women?" "Officer, I..." "Don't...never...hit...her...again!" " Hear me?" "I [electronic door buzzer]" "Payne, what happened?" "You've only been out one week" "It's civilian life, sir." "I had a minor setback" "I made some calls and I got you an assignment." "It's not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military." "[Payne] So after two and a half weeks of livin' a civilian puke's existence," "I was back in uniform, back in the corps." "Back to the sweet smell of mustard gas and killin'.." "Little did I know what awaited for me." "I've toured 11 separate engagements, from Iraq to Haiti but nothin' I did would prepare me for this newest assignment." "I was told it would be my greatest challenge." "It was sure to be a living hell." "[tannoy] The Glee Club will be meeting at 3.30." "[bell]" ",:fl the teachers please report to the quad for the science fair judging." "[woman] Tiger?" "Tiger, come back here." "I'm not gonna chase you." " What you runnin' from, boy?" " She's tryin' to give me a shot!" "You don't like needles?" "Want me to show you a little trick, take your mind off that pain?" "Here, gimme your hand." "Now, you may feel a little bit of pressure." "Hi, I'm Emily Walburn, the school counsellor." "You must be Major Payne." "That's a mighty fine handshake you got there." "You wanna wrestle?" "No, thanks." "I wrestle with these kids all day." "This one's usually my big helper." "Come on, Tiger." "Nice meeting you, Major." "Nice meetin' you, miss ma'am." "Tiger!" "Tiger, come back here!" "I'm not gonna chase you." "Mmm..." " [knocking]" " Come in." "Major Payne reporting' for duty, sir!" "[buzzing]" "What?" "Major Payne." "The new commandant?" "Oh, right." "You're in charge of the green boys." "Come again?" "The green boys." "They wear those green things." "You know, it's funny, when they stand in front of bushes, I can't see them." "Why are you here?" "The ROTC programme." "I understand you've been placing' last eight years runnin' in the Virginia Military Games." "I am here to remedy that." "We have an ROTC programme?" " The green boys, sir." " Oh, right." "Between us, I don't care what you do with those boys, as long as you keep them out of my hair." "Is that all?" "Would you like a campus tour'?" "No." "I'd like to see my men." "Fall ml Move it, you idiots!" "Let's go!" "Come on, Williams!" "Let's move it." "Get a hop on it, boy!" "Move!" "Fall In, everyone!" "Fall in!" "Let's go!" "Come on, people!" "Move!" "Hustle, hustle, hustle!" "Let's go." "Giddy-up!" "Let's go!" "Sir, the squad is formed, sir!" "Garry on." "[rhythmic clapping]" "My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne." "As of 0800" "I am raplacin' Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer." "[half-hearted booing] [rapid gunfire]" "See now, what we have here is a failure to communicate." "Do not attempt to challenge my authority!" "I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well—disciplined cadet unit." "From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me." "You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or even dig in your butts without my say-sol" "Know this." "Killin' is my business, ladies, and business is good!" "Boo-hoo." " What?" " I have to go to the bathroom." "You hold it, turd." "I can't!" "I said hold it, or I'll break that off and kick it around on the ground." "Now, be advised, ladies, we are going to win the Virginia Military Games!" "I said win." "Whiskey, Indian, November." "Get used to the sound of that word!" " Major Payne!" " What, boy?" "What, what, what'?" "I did somethin' bad." "You nasty little worm!" "Go change your Huggies, boy, and be back here pronto!" "Stop that cryin'!" "You'll get no pity from me!" "You think your tears'll stop Charlie from takin' his bayonet and sticking' it in your little tiny heart?" "What the hell was that, u little freckle—faced cartoon?" "Did I give you permission to sneeze?" " No, sir." " Then you hold it in, you big-eared turd, otherwise I'll kick your ass back to Mayberry!" "I s we have a sickly boy on our hands." "We're gonna have to boost your immune system!" "Drop down, give me 25 push-ups now!" " Count 'em out!" " One, sir." "Two, sir." "[snorting]" "Breep-breep-breep." "What are you laughin' at, pig—boy?" "Find a piece of candy in your pocket?" " No, sir!" " What's your name, tubby?" " Heathcoat, sir!" " Heathcoat." "You know, you remind me of the doughboy." "If I poke your stomach will it make you go...?" "[he trills]" "I'm gonna help you make room for lunch, bacon-boy." "Drop down, give me 30 sit-ups right now!" "Let's go!" "Count 'em out!" "Let me see that belly roll." "One, tubby, tubby!" " One, sir." " Come on, pork chop!" " Two, chubby, chubby!" " Two, sir." "You's a pure genius!" "Who are you?" "Redd Foxx?" "No, better yet." "You Richard Pryor, ain't you?" "What's your name, girlfriend?" "Dwight Williams." "The boys call me D, so call me D." "D?" " Yeah, brother'?" " Like how I handle these white boys?" " Oh, yeah!" "Make you feel good to see a black man runnin' things?" " Malcolm X" " Let me tell you somethin' , D." " Yeah, brother'?" " Come closer." "I am not your damn brother!" "Now drop down, give me 20 squat thrusts now!" " One, sir." " What are you lookin' at, ass-eyes?" " Nothing, sir!" "You plotting' on me, boy?" " No, sir!" " Well, let me tell you somethin'." "Let me tell you all somethin'." "War has made me very paranoid!" "And when a man eyeballs me it make my Agent Orange act up and I get the urge to kill." "Understand?" "Sir, yes, sir!" " Do you all understand me?" " Sir, yes, sir!" " I can't hear you." " Sir, yes, sir!" "And what is your damage, muscle-head?" "You stupid?" "You ignorant?" "Or you just plain ol' deaf?" "Yes, sir." "Actually, he is deaf." "Oh." "Thank you." "Now drop down, give me 25 more for speaking' out of line!" " One, sir." " I'm sorry, Mr Handicapped Man." "I didn't mean to offend you." "Do you speak sign language?" "Can you read lips?" "Let me break it down." "If you don't answer me when I speak to you," "I'm gonna put my foot in your ass!" "Is that clear, dummy?" "Sir, yes, sir." "Hold on, guys." "Wait!" "Wait." "Hey, guys!" "Don't start without me!" "Come on!" "Wait, hold on." "Coming." "Hello, gorgeous." "Welcome to my party." "You know, you're out of uniform there, Mr. Fonzarelli." "Well, I like this look better, General." "Admiral, whatever." "It's Major, buy." "Looks like we got another major on our hands here, guys!" "[all giggling] Uh-oh!" "Major!" "Ooh, Major!" "What's your name, girlie-mouth?" "Cadet Alex Stone, sir!" "Yes, sir!" "Hey-ho, sir!" "I'm glad to see you got a sense of humour." "So do I." "Heh-heh-heh (!" ")" "From now on, my little group of scrotum sacs, you will strive to be like me." "You will walk like me, talk like me and until you win those games, you will be bald like me!" " Way to go this time, Alex" " Dotson, take these men for 2 hours of PT!" "Yes, sir!" "First exercise will be the side straddle hop!" "Squad ready." "Exercise, one, two, three!" "Come on, bacon-boy!" "Come on!" " [Dotson] Ready, squad!" " [buy] Why don't you sit down and shut up?" "[Dotson] I'm writin' you up, buddy!" "That's it, no more of this!" "[boy] You're scaring me!" "Hello, Miss Walburn." "Major Payne, could you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?" "Oh, that's my little incentive programme." "These boys have to earn their due." "Their hairdo, that is." "Hee-hee-hee." "Do they have to earn their bathroom privileges, too?" "What do you want, Mr Pee-body?" "He's upset about this morning." "Apparently he had a little accident." "Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants." "Well, maybe that's because he's six" "'Cause he's six?" "Woman, when I was s I had a full-time job." "Well, I told him that you have something that you'd like to say to him." "You think I owe you an apology?" "Want me to take back some of those mean and hurtful little things I said?" "OK." "I'm sorry you're just a little turd that can't hold your liquid out in public" "New get outta my face before I pick you up and toss you out that window!" "Major, have you ever done this kind of work before?" "Woman, under this here hat" "I've trained 20,432 combat killing' machines." "Well, that's just my point." "Now you're dealing with children, and children have special needs." "Do you know what positive reinforcement means?" "Like when you take a PoW and snap his neck after you torture him so he don't have to go through life with a colostomy bag?" "Sort cf." "I'd like to make a suggestion." "Why don't you and I become partners" "In the emotional growth and development of these little ones?" "What do you say?" "Gen you be my big helper and help me do that?" "[baby voice] Yes." "Good." "Why do I feel like a jackass?" "[children giggling] [boy] Look at that baldie!" "Your head's shaped like a bowling ball!" "Nazi, fascist pig!" "I know where I'll shave him!" "Damn Major Payne!" "Didn't want you to be my brother!" "Most of the body heat travels through the head." "I'll get sick" "And if I'm sick I throw up." "That damn Payne's already getting on my nerves." "Turd this, turd that." "Who the hell does he think he is?" " Just shut up." " You tellin' me to shut up?" "Shut your damn mouth and stop eatin' all that damn candy, you fat pig." "I look like Curly from The Three Stooges." "Did I say you could touch my bed?" " No." " Then get off." "Owl" "Payne's gonna kill us." "You know I have a heart condition." "I'm not sure he's familiar with my medical history" "Let's go, let's go!" "Come on, move it!" "Saddle up that horsey and ride!" "You ever hear of knocking, Dotson?" "You won't have to worry about that." "I have good news for you, assholes." " Pack your bedding and your kit!" "Let's go!" " Where to?" "Hello, cue balls!" "Welcome to the house of Payne." " Gotta be kidding." " A squad that lives together wins together." "Unity, turds." "That is the key word in "unit", without the Y." "Tiger, Leland, you will reside at the ROTC building'." "The rest of you garbage, grab a rack and settle in." "Let's move out." "Eyeball me again, I'll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoats cookie bag." " It's so damp." "What about my allergies?" " You know how far away the kitchen is?" "Why can't I stay?" " 'Cause I said so." " Major Payne, sir." " What?" "Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this place is unacceptable, sir." "[general agreement]" "Really?" " Love my barracks night and day" " Love my barracks night and day" "I" " Won'!" "complain that's where I'll stay" " Won'!" "complain that's where I'll stay I" " Good plan this time, Alex" " Shut up." "All right, my little patch of Brussels sprouts, uproot yourselves, climb out the pool, get some rest." "You'll need it." "Tomorrow, ladies, we gonna start the hard stuff." "The hard stuff?" "[thunder]" "Let's move it, you turds!" "You'll get no sympathy from me!" "You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis" "That's where you'll End my sympathy" "This ain't no walk in the park Move it!" "Hustle, hustle" "Hey, Dumbo!" "You should be flying through those tubes with them big—ass ears I" "Yeah, Dumbo!" "Fly, baby, fly!" "Williams!" "Tell Marlee Matlin's son if he don't get across that rope," " I'll hang him with it!" " He'll hang you with it!" "Heathcoat!" "You get your fat body over that wall!" " Take your fat, pork-chop" " You shut up." "Nobody's leavin' until the average for this squad is one minute 20 seconds!" "Come on, he can't do it!" "Leave him alone." "I can barely do it." "It's slippery out here." "Slippery, he say!" "You think Charlie care anything about slippery?" "All he knows is slit your throat." "What if this was a life-or-death situation?" "But it's not a life-or-death situation." "It is now." "One Mississippi." "Two Mississippi." "Come on, guys!" "What, are you crazy?" "It's just a dummy grenade." "Who's the dummy now?" " So what is it, exactly?" "Concentrated thiamine." " What the hell is that?" " It's a super-laxative." "This here'll pack enough punch to take out an entire football team." "Payne'll never get off the can." "He'll be makin' beef stool till graduation." "Payne'll never knew what hit him." "[{]]]]]" " Major Payne, sir?" " Can't you see I'm eatin', turd?" "There's a call for you, sir." "He's coming!" "He's coming!" "Mm." "Mmm." "Mm-mm." "[a gurgle]" "[liquid gurgling]" "Hm." "[breaking wind]" "Damn!" "He nearly put you in a coma." "It can't be legal the way he's been treating us." "Let's just tell Phillips." "Nah, that senile old fool ain't gonna help us." "What kind of shooting' is that?" "Hey, dummy!" "What's the matter, you can't see, either?" "We gotta get rid of that son of a bitch." "Listen... ..we're gonna have to prove that Payne did something so vile, so perverse, so disgusting..." "..that Phillips will have no choice but to tire him." "Like what?" " Why me?" " Because you have gut the biggest tits." " [laughter]" " Sh...sh." " Why not Wuligar?" " Wuligar's gotta take the pictures." "[snoring]" "It's been four hours." "He hasn't blinked." "I'm telling you, these Special Forces guys can sleep with their eyes open." "Trust me." " What happened to the other dress?" " This one's prettier." "[sniggering]" " Shut up, Brian I Williams, go." "Man, you sure about this?" "He looks awake to me." "No, I checked on that." "Watch this." "Yo, turd—sniffer." "Maggot—face!" "See?" "He's dead to the world." "Let's go." " Get in." " Can't I just stand beside the bed?" "Get in." "Get ml" " Now put your head on his shoulder." " Are you crazy?" "Do it!" "Closer." "Closer." "Now, now put your arm around him." "Good." "Now hold it." "Hold it." "OK." "Hello, Betty." "[all scream]" " Got no worry, got no stress" " Got no worry, got no stress" " Cause feel good in a dress" " Cause we feel good in a dress" " Major Payne's a major dis" " Major Payne's a major dis" " Makes us squat when we piss" " Makes us squat when we piss" " Got no worries, got no care" " Got no worries, got no care [repeat] # I'm just a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair" " Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann" " Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann" "#" "Gotta earn my right to be called a man" "Gotta earn my right to be called a man#" "I'll tell you, ladies, you're the purtiest unit ever underneath my command I" "Maybe I'll have to change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne!" "[Miss Walburn] Major!" " What are the boys doing in those dresses?" " Puttin' on a fashion show." "[mocking laughter]" "I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative reinforcement." "Weren't you gonna be my big helper'?" "Yeah, but they started it." "Well, I'm stopping it." " Don't touch my whistle." " I was just gonna..." " Don't touch the whistle." "All right, ladies!" "Take off those dresses." "Head to your barracks." "Fold 'em up neatly." "Let's move it." "Good day, Miss Walburn." "Do you really think this approach is the best way to gain the trust of these boys?" "They may not like me but they will respect me." "Let me be more direct." "They hate you." "Good." "It'll draw them close together, make 'em a team." " That's a very cynical plan." " Yeah, but it won't backfire." "Here." "I would like you to consider an alternative approach." "I want you to have this book Read it, apply it." "The ABCs of the Loving Male Role Model." "I don't need your book" " Take it." " I don't want it." "Please, Major'?" "OK." "[mocking laughter]" "Shut up." " I got a plan to get rid of that son of a bitch." "What is it?" " It's gonna cost us." "How much you got?" " Twenty." "I got 25." " Put me down for 40." " All right, we're takin' out Payne tomorrow!" " Yeah" ""Love is the key to understanding."" ""Bee a good listener."" ""Bee sensitive to their needs."" "Well, hello, Miss Walburn." "just came by to let you know Wuligar has a slight temperature so you might not want to torture him this evening." "I will be...sensitive...to his needs." "Have you been reading the book'?" "I might have glanced at it once or twice." "Oh, well, that's very good!" "I'm very proud of you, Major." "Oh, it ain't hard bein' sensitive." " He's back!" "He's back!" " Who's back'?" "The man who lives in my closet." "Boy, get on outta here with that "I'm scared of the dark' crap." "Go on, get!" "Sensitive." "Sensitive." "Hello, there, fella." "You know what you're havin'?" "It's called a nightmare." "You know what a nightmare is?" "Well, that's all this is." "Now, you run back to your room before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off." "Sensitive." "You call that being sensitive?" "Let me give you a little history on Kevin Dunne." "Both of his parents are dead." "Oar accident, 1989." "Lived in the Chelsea orphanage till 1991 when the school adopted him." "I know all about it." "Then you should also know that the last thing he needs right now is a sadistic father figure scarring the life out of him." "Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the buy grow up." "Excuse me?" "What did you say?" "I didn't stutter." "I said "Pop your titty out his mouth and stop babying' him!"" "I don't call it babying, I call it nurturing." "And I call it neutering." "And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, dictatorial, egomaniacal I, frigid, lunatic asshole!" "I ain't frigid." "He's still there!" "You wanna sea nurturing'?" "He's in there?" " If he's still there, he ain't happy." " What was that'?" "Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice!" "And if he's still in there, he ain't happy!" "You run on back to bed." "That bad man ain't gonna bother you no more." "Thank you, Major." "I love you." " What's your angle?" "You plotting' on me?" " No, sir!" " I can snap your neck in 20 places!" " Major, Major!" "It's OK!" "He's just trying to show you some affection." "I don't like it." "Make me feel all funny." " Good night, Miss Walburn." " Good night, Major." " Where is he?" " He'd better get here." "Alex!" "[horn]" " Did you do it?" " How much did it cost?" "I did it." "I did it." "Squad!" "Attention" "Let's go, maggots." "Follow my lead" "#" " Payne's not here, he's in our ass" " Payne's not here, he's in our ass" "#" " Butt's so tight he can't pass gas" " Butt's so tight he can't pass gas" " Sound off -o :3" " Sound off : four" "# Break it on down" "Break it on down, break it on down" "You like to rhyme, boy?" "What's your name?" "Bushwick Bill?" "No, let me guess." "You Snoop Diggety Dogg." "Turds!" "Front-leanin' rest position." "Move!" "I'm gonna teach you how I rhyme military style!" "One!" "Don't you feel dumb?" "Two!" "Look at you." "Three." "Don't you ever make no jokes about me behind my back otherwise I stomp you in the ground!" "All right, ladies." "Hey, Dunne." "You missed all the fun." "That's another rhyme." "All right, we're headin' out to the held for two hours of weapons drill." "Yo, Payne!" "You Payne?" "I gut somethin' to say to you." "Fee-fi-fo-fum." "What beanstalk you fall from?" "I heard you've been givin' these boys a hard time." "In fact, I heard you couldn't cut it in the real man's military" " I heard that it's time for you to leave." " Yeah" "Know what I heard?" "I heard your mother was so fat she played pool with the planets." "You thinkin' about leaving yet?" "Actually, I think the party just begun." "What I'm gonna do is take this right foot and put it across the left side of your face." "Don't give me that Billy Jack bullshit!" "You said you were gonna hit me in the face!" "What, you callin' me a liar?" "Oh, children." "Somebody's gonna answer for this blood from my lip." "I want names." "I wanna know who's responsible." "Don't all run at once." "I guess nobody's responsible." "Guess I just had that one a—comm." "Well, you know what y'all got comin'?" "Seven 23-hour days full of fun and adventure." "I'm gonna make you boys strong!" "Sir." "Yes, turd?" " It was me, sir." "I hired him." " Well, that's one death warrant signed." "Do I have any more volunteers?" "What about you, brown-nose?" "I acted alone, sir." "The rest of the squad was unaware of my activities." "That's a pretty bold move there, Mr Stone." "What do you think I oughta do with you?" " I don't know, sir." " You don't know." "I guess you should probably expel me, sir." "What, and send you on a vacation?" " Dotson" " Sir, yes, sir!" "You are no longer the squad leader." "Stone." "You are now cadet sergeant." "If these men win the Virginia Military Games, it'll be because you have led them to a victory." "If they lose, it'll be because you failed them." " I don't accept that responsibility." " It's not negotiable." "If I'm the new squad leader, I my first order is to screw you, sin" "What'd you say to me, turd?" "Why don't you go back to hell, where you came from?" "Boy, I am two seconds from bein' on you like white on rice on a par plate in a snowstorm I" "I will put my foot so far up your ass the water on my knee will quench your thirst" "Try it." " You want me gone, boy?" " Yes, sir." "I said, "Do you want me gone, soldier'?"" "Yes, sir!" "Then you meet me outside the ROTC building' at 2100 hours." "You ladies want me gone, you'll get your chance." "Where is the first-place trophy from the Virginia Military Games?" "Wellington Academy, sir!" "I want that trophy." "If you turds can bring me that trophy, I will resign my command." "This is a black op, gentlemen." "If you are discovered, I will deny all knowledge and you will pay the price." "That is my deal." "Do you accept it?" "Sir, yes, sir." "Then bring me my trophy." "All right, this is our big chance to get rid of Payne." "Two miles to Wellington." "Let's get it outta there as fast as we can." "Let's hustle, move it!" "Go!" "Go, go!" " This is your last chance, Dotson." " You think I'd help you make me look bad?" "I Anyway, I've called my dad." "I'm leavin' this stupid school." "Bye, have a good time" " Where you goin'?" " The black op." "You can't come, you're too little." "Why don't you stay here and guard the base?" "[Tiger crying]" "What's the matter with you, boy?" "They won't let me go on no black op." "They say I'm too little." "No one lets you do anything when you're too little." "Ah, phooly!" "What about all those stories about the little people that do big things?" "Like Little Red Riding Hood, them three little pigs." "Spike Lee, or them Little Rascals." "You ever hear the story about the Little Engine That Could?" "Let me tell you that story." "Once upon a time, deep, deep in the jungle, there was a Little Engine That Could." "Ha was chugging' his way across the enemy line." "[makes chugging sound]" "Tout-toot!" "This little engine's mission was to take some AK-47s and a nuclear payload over the mountain to the 2063 Battalion." "Needless to say, there was plenty opposition." "Did that stop the Little Engine That Could?" "No, siree, Bob." "He just kept chugging' along." "[makes train engine sounds]" "Tout-toot!" "Nut even when they climbed aboard the train and popped out the eyes of the conductor, and blood and snot was drippin' out his eye sockets." "Did that stop the Little Engine That Could?" "Damn skippy." "He just kept chugging' along." "[train engine sounds]" "Tout-toot!" "It wasn't until Charlie rigged a bridge with plastic explosives just as the Little Engine was makin' his across the trestle." "Boom!" "An explosion happened." "And blood and guts and spit and ass was everywhere." "And Bubba come crawlin' out the back door, both legs missing'." "Lula May's baby boy!" "He look up at me, he said, "Payne," "I can't feel my legs."" "I said, "Bubba, they ain't there."" "And I looked down, and them little bloody nubs was kickin' real fast, like this here]" "And I said, "Bubba, ifs 30 miles to the nearest town."" ""Unless you Hip upside down and walk on your hands, you ain't gonna make it."" "All of a sudden, Charlie was all over the place!" "It was just me and my side-arm." "And I had no other alternative but to blast my way out." "[blood-curdling screams]" ""Die, pig, die!" "You'll never take Major Benson Winifred Payne alive!"" ""I saw what you did to my friend!"" "Major!" "Major!" "Major!" "Hello, Miss Walburn." "You just missed a little bedtime story." "No, I didn't, actually." "In fact, I'd love to talk to you about that story." "Perhaps over dinner'?" "OK." "OK." "I'll go get ready." " Me too." " OK." "OK." "Right, bye." "To be continued." "When I come back, I'll tell you what Bubba used as a penis." "[# Zhane:" "Hey, Mr DJ]" "# So we could all get down Where's the party, hey, Mr DJ?" "# Hey, Mr DJ, You can get this started" "# Everybody ready to party All night, all night" "# All the girls are ready So we can all get to it" "# So we can party till the break of dawn, oh" "# Once again, it's on!" "Zhane, blow the horn Let the DJ know to keep playing your song" "# Maybe I'll browse, snatch up the blouse Rip the foul, ho" "# And get rub-a-dub style Cuz your body won't move" "# If it can't feel the groove So can't boogie, have to show and prove" "# Hey now I'm feeling the vibe Rollin' with the flava... # [gobbling sounds]" "Well, ain't you gonna eat?" "I think I'll wait a moment." "I My stomach's a little upset" "Them some mighty fine victuals." "Wouldn't let 'em go to waste." "You know, I think you're making some wonderful strides with the way you're dealing with the children." "That was almost a really good thing you tried to do for Tiger tonight." "May I make a suggestion?" "Proceed." "Well, your story, while colourful..." "Bit rough." "You mean the explosion?" "Yes, and the eye-gouging part." "You need to loosen up." "Not everything can be about war." "What do you like to do for fun?" "I like to hang upside down blindfolded, take my gun apart and put it back together before my nose starts to bleed." "Oh, that's great!" "Is there anything you like that isn't to do with battle?" " Like what?" " Like golf." "Negative." "Do you like to go to the movies?" "Negative." "I don't suppose you dance?" "I've been known to cut a little rug in my day." "[# 2 Live Crew:" "Pop That Coochie]" "There's only one place where we can go To see freaky girls doing shows" "Doing tricks that make us holler. .." "Ain't you gonna dance?" "Benson." "# They'll do anything to turn us on Them girls got it goin' on!" "Benson, nobody does the robot any more." "Then I guess I gotta dig further into my repertoire." "# How hard?" "Hard like a rock When you make that coochie pop!" "# Hey pop that Coochie Hey pop that coochie, baby" "# Pop that coochie Hey, pop that coochie, baby" "# Pop that coochie Pop, pop that coochie, baby" "# Pop-pop the coochie Pop, that coochie, baby" "# Freaky girls with plenty of class Rollin' to the music and shakin' real fast" "# Bend over backwards, make me shout And work that body, in and out" "# Movin' their body with plenty of action Bringin' to the men more satisfaction" "# Doin' what they feel to turn us out Just work that body all the way out!" "# Shake it!" "Don't break it!" "It took your momma nine months to make it" "# Bend over and spread 'em, girl Show me those coochie pearls" "# Bend that butt and don't you quit Then blow me a freaky kiss" "# Girl, you know you look so cute #'" "Williams, you take these guys and fan out the left Hank of the school." "Go!" "Wuliger, you take these two and cover the right." "Gut it?" "Gut it." "Come on!" "[man] Ahem." "Don't move." "[boys yell]" "Madison is a loser!" "Man, get in there." "All right?" "And then his chest cavity exploded." "Boom!" "Hee-hee." "You know, that was the first time I ever drove a man's nose up into his brain, causing' instant death and simultaneous bowel evacuation." "But enough about ma, woman." "What's your story?" "I'm surprised you ain't dropped about 12 puppies by now." "Ain't you never been married?" "Yeah, I was." "What happened?" "You terminate his command?" "No." "Actually, he left." "I wanted children, he didn't." "Any men that'd leave you oughta be monkey-stamped and have his brains mailed back to his mother." "Well, thank you, Benson." "How about you?" "Was there ever a Mrs Payne?" "Negative." "I figured if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd have issued me one." "Well, I had a really nice time tonight, Benson." "Heck, bein' with you is almost better than cleaning' my gun." " I gut somethin' for you." "Oh, what is it?" "It's a bullet." "It's somethin' special." "It's from my heart." "Really?" "Well, where'd you get it?" "From my heart." "Left ventricle." "I took it out myself with a field knife." "And I want you to have that." "Thank you, Benson." "Goodnight." "Goodnight, princess." "[hollers excitedly]" "[whistling]" "What the hell are you doin' in my office?" "It was a trap." "You set us up." "I mighta made a little anonymous call." "You didn't think they'd just hand it to you, did ya?" "We got the crap kicked out of us because of you" "Tonight wasn't about fair or unfair." "It was about achieving' your objective." "Did you?" " Did you even see that trophy?" "Oh, I saw it." " And when you saw it, did you want it?" " Yeah, to get rid of you." "That's not what I asked." " Did you want it?" "I wanted it." "To own it?" " Yeah." " Deserve It?" "• Yeah." "Town" "Then let's win it, you bruised—up turd!" "If you really want it, I'll show u how to earn it." "[tannoy] Welcome, parents, to Madison School." "For your convenience, we will be announcing throughout the day if they happen." "Hey, Heathcoat, your parents coming today?" "Nah, course nut." " How 'bout you, Williams?" " What, are you kidding?" "My parents said they'd come but they say they've get allergies." "What the hell happened to you?" "Me?" "Nothing." "I'm great." "Look at you, though." "Regular little soldier man." "You a hard—ass now?" " What're you doin' here?" " It's parents' day." "I am your legal guardian." " And drunk" " Don't you walk away from ma." " Gimme a little salute." " I'm not gonna salute you." "You salute your superiors." "Or don't they teach that around here?" "What superior?" "They kicked you out, remember?" "Don't you sass me like your mother." "You're mine now." "I own you." "And you will respect me." "Now, you salute me." "No." "You hit that buy again, I'll do more than salute you." " This is between me and my son." " Stepson." "Whoever he is, he's on my time new." "Now, I'm gonna ask you nicely, please return to your vehicle." "You go on now." "Go on back to your bunk, son." "Major Payne, sir." "Yes." "I wanna get that trophy, sir." " Come again?" " I wanna get that trophy, sir." " What, you wanna steal it?" " No, sir." "You want to win it?" "I want to earn it, sir." "The rest of you men feel the same way?" "Meat me on the parade ground, 1700 hours." "We gut work to do." "Squad, atten-hut!" "[cheering]" "[# Aretha Franklin:" "Respect] One...two...three...four.,." "..five...six...seven...eight." "Forty inches breast to back, [song continues]" "[inaudible]" "[shrill whistle]" "Squad!" "Atten—hut!" "Present arms!" "Order arms!" "Left face!" "Right face!" "Rank, rest!" "You're still a shit sandwich." "You're just not a soggy one." "From now on, you are no longer turds." "You've graduated to maggots." "You're a family, a team." "Let's win them games." "Squad!" "Atten—hut!" "General on deck" "Major, I have news so good I've decided to deliver it personally." "America needs you." "There's a situation in Bosnia that requires your special services" "As of this moment, you are reinstated in the US Marines at the rank of Lieutenant Colonel." " Thank you, sir!" " Congratulations." "Your unit will be leaving out of Washington." "You will arrive tomorrow at 1600 for briefing." "Here are your tickets." "Uh, General, tomorrow are the military games and I was hoping..." "Games?" "Payne, I fought to get you reinstated." "You wanted in." "I got you in." "You don't take this, there won't be any more chances." "Sir, the major will be there, sir!" "Good man." "I'll see you in Washington." "Hey, Major." "Where you goin'?" "Back to killing'." "You wanna coma?" "I didn't think so." "Go lead your men into victory." "Great." "What happened to unity and family and all that other bullshit you taught us?" "I never said families don't break up." "Don't you watch Oprah?" "So it's true." "You're just gonna leave." "You know, when they're through with you, they're just gonna cut you loose again." "I asked to leave." "Them boys are makin' me soft." ""Them boys" need you." "All that hard work, they did it for you." " They did it for themselves." " Benson." "Look, woman." "I toured 11 separate engagements." "I didn't do that to come back and be conquered by no woman and kids." "What'd you think I was gonna do, marry you?" "Put up a white picket fence?" "Adopt Tiger and become the lovin' male role model?" "That's not me." "It's not Payne!" "[# Aretha Franklin:" "I Never Loved a Man (the way I love you)] I can't believe he actually left." "Alex, where are you going?" "To the games." "You guys better start getting ready." "We gotta be there in an hour." "We don't have to go to the games, Payne's gone." "We don't have a chance without Payne." "Listen, Payne or no Payne, I'm gonna go out there and win that stupid trophy." "We busted our asses off out there gettin' ready for this." "I didn't go through all that to come out empty handed." "So, how about it, guys?" "Are you with me?" "Sure." " [as Payne] I can't hear you!" " Sir, yes, sir!" "Just a little bit louder now." "Sir, yes, sir!" "One more time, you maggots." "Sir, yes, sir... [tannoy] Taggert; present arms." "Stapleton, present arms!" "Wellington, present arms!" "Madison, present arms!" "Cadets, order arms!" "Welcome, men, to Wellington Academy for the 58th annual Junior ROTC Virginia Military Games." "This morning, you are all equal." "But by the end of the day today, we will honour the finest of you with a trophy." "The trophy of a champion." "Let the games begin!" "[cheering]" "Good shot, Williams." "I got nothin' to say to you." "All right, Fox Keep goin'." "Yes!" "Come on, guys!" "Maggots!" "Pull!" "Go, Tiger!" "Catch it!" "Oh, I gotcha now!" "[Emily's voice Benson." "[J':" "Donna Reed Show Theme]" "[inaudible over music]" "[train hooter]" "On your mark Get set." "[gunshot]" "One, sir." "Two, sir." "Three, sir." "Four, sir." "Faster, Heathcoat." "Over the wall." "Go!" "Go!" "Come on!" "You can do it!" "See you later, loser!" "He just tripped him!" "The winner of t he relay race is Wellington Academy." "Second place, Madison Preparatory." "Third place, Stapleton." "Fourth place, Taggart." "[whistles]" "All right, knock it off!" "Hold it right there!" "Hey, hey, you!" "I want that man arrested[" "This is unsatisfactory" "I demand that the Madison squad be disqualified from the final competition I" "Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance." "That's not enough!" "Look at 'em." "These animals are so pathetic, their own commander didn't even show up." "Ain't no need for name-calling." "What are you doing here?" "I was told you were on an important assignment." "Wall, what could be more important than my boys winning' this here competition?" "I suggest we get this party started." "That OK with you, Colonel?" "Cadets, I'm pleased to announce the two top—rated squads who will compete for first and second place in the parade drill competition:" "Wellington Academy and Madison Academy." "[tannoy] Wellington Academy." "Drill leader, Sergeant Michael Rachmill." "All right, gentlemen, let's look alive here!" "We gut trophies to win." "Hello, Mr Denial." "While you were on vacation, we've been havin' some real problems." "I don't see no problem." "I You made it to the finals]" "Yeah, no thanks to you." "So, why'd you come back'?" "We don't need you." " Maybe I didn't come back for you." " Why'd you come back, then?" "Maybe I wanna see you win first place and ain't gonna leave until you do!" "So that's it?" "It's all about the trophy?" "Maybe I like you." "Just like?" "Maybe I like you a lot." "That's it?" "Don't push the "maybe", baby." " Now, let's win this thing." " We have nobody to lead the drill." " Course we do." " Who?" " Tiger." " Are you crazy?" " He know the drill like the back of his head." " I can't do it." "I'm too little." "[tannoy] Ladies and gentlemen, the Wellington Academy drill team." "You need me to tell you the story about the Little Engine That Could again?" "Then you get out there and you toot that horn, boy." "Toot!" "Toot!" "Toot!" "toot!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Madison Preparatory School." "[drum roll]" "Drill-team leaden Private Kevin "Tiger" Dunne." "Left-step march!" "# Now here we are together" "# Ready to do whatever" "# We started out as boys Now we're men and we're makin' noise" "# So stand back and step clear, Madison cadets are the ones to fear" "# If you don't believe Battle us and you will see" "# Oh, yeah, here come Here we come, here we come" "#" " Hip-hop, hip-hop, hip-hop, ho" " Hip-hop, hip-hop, hip-hop, ho" "# We can get down cause it's in our souls" " We can get down because it's in our souls" "#" " Hit me with a one, two" " One, two" "#" " Hit me with a three, four" " Three, four" "# Hit me with a one, two, three, four [all] # One, two, three, four... #" "Mark time, march!" "Present arms!" "Forward march!" "Huh!" "Huh!" "Huh!" "huh!" "Order arms!" "Free style!" "Arms!" "# One, two, three, get down on the hip-hop" "# Get down, get funky and you don't stop" "# Go, Tiger" "# Get down, do that, do that..." "#" " Get down and do that, do that" " Whoo!" "Whoo...!" "#" "Aaaa...!" " Salute!" " [gunshot]" "Madison Preparatory School." "[cheering]" "Company!" "Atten-hut!" "Sir, squad is formed, sir." "Post." "My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne!" "I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the Madison School." "What we've tried to develop here is a family environment." "One of trust and understanding." "I'd like for you to think of me not only as your commanding officer but as your friend." "[barking]" "And what the hell is that?" "He's mine." "[boy whistles]" "Thataboy." "Sit." "Good boy." "You know, there ain't no pets allowed on these here premises, Mr Ace Venture." "Yeah, well, maybe that doesn't apply to me." "He's my blind seeing-eye dog." "What In the world would anybody want with a blind dog?" "The dog ain't blind." "I'm the one that's blind, you idiot." "I see you and your friend Cujo here got a little attitudinal problem needs readjustin'." "Well, I'll fix that up quick, fast and in a hurry." "Hey, Corporal!" "Go tell Mama bring my field knife." "[dog howls and yelps]" "Hee-hee-hee." "Ha-hee-hee." "Ho-hee-hee." "Ha-hee-hee..."