"( theme song playing )" "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "KLINK:" "At ease, men." "Now, uh, as your commandant," "I'm proud to announce further proof of the Third Reich's considerate treatment of its prisoners." "You will each be allowed to record one personal message to be sent home to your loved ones." "Hey, great, we're going to make a record!" "Very generous of you, Commandant." "Naturally, we can say anything we want on the record, right?" "Well, not exactly anything." "We have to observe some security precautions, naturally." "Now, I've prepared some sample messages that you can use." "They're quite nice and personal." "For instance, number one:" ""How are you?" "I am fine." "I am treated well."" "That's lovely." "Gets you right here." "Number two:" ""We have good quarters and plenty of fine, nourishing food."" "Excuse me, sir." "Is there one about Goldilocks and the three bears?" "Goldilocks and the..." "Oh, that's a good one." "Is it in there?" "This privilege can be revoked, you know." "You have one hour." "Only messages on this list." "Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Here, Colonel Hogan." "Now, I'm going to explain it to you." "Stop me if I'm too technical." "Now, you talk in there and..." "Hey, hey, plenty of newsy little items here." "Look at number six:" ""Adolf Hitler sleeps with a night-light."" "( laughter )" "Where does it say that?" "Number six." "KLINK:" "Schultz." "Take these men back to the barracks immediately." "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Well, you heard him." "Raus, everybody, raus." "Take this with you." "Raus, raus, raus, raus, raus!" "SS men?" "What are they doing here?" "I think we have to rewrite number one." "We are not fine; we are in big trouble." "What do you think they want the rec hall for?" "I don't know, but it's a cinch they're not there for the Chinese checker playoffs." "Schultz's coming." "Hey, maybe he could tell us what they want the place for." "But he wouldn't tell us anything about that." "I don't expect him to tell us, but he might tell my dear old mum." "Turn on the machine." "Achtung." "Here's your new..." "Shh, shh, he's recording a letter to home." "Shh." "As I was saying, Mom, we were just thrown out of the recreation hut, probably because Schultz wanted the place to play Ping-Pong or something." "Ping-Pong?" "Me?" "Shh!" "Shh." "So forget all those nice things" "I told you about him." "He turned out to be just another big, nasty Kraut." "I'm not a big, nasty Kraut." "I'm a big, nice Kraut." "Don't listen to him, it isn't true!" "Would you kindly stay out of my letter and stop fibbing to Mama?" "But I wouldn't... ( gasps ) What a terrible thing to say." "It wasn't me;" "it was the SS men." "Oh, come on, Schultz." "Those guys don't play Ping-Pong." "Yeah, he's like all the others, Mom, so you can stop knitting those socks you were making for him-- he's a meanie." "I'm not a meanie!" "It was orders by General Burkhalter, Mama." "He needed the place for Colonel Schneider." "( chuckles )" "Look at me, Mama." "Do I look like a fibber, huh?" "Well, I, uh, guess I was wrong, Mom." "You can go back to knitting the socks for Schultz." "Oh, thank you." "Danke." "Oh, oh." "Size 13." "Size 13, Mama." "And good-bye." "Who's this Colonel Schneider?" "I never heard of him." "All we got is a name." "We don't know who he is or what he's doing here, do we?" "The name is all we need." "Klink can tell us the rest." "Klink?" "You don't expect him to fall for that "letter to Mama" bit." "No, but he might just tell us all we want to know about Schneider, provided he thinks we already know." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in." "Oh, it's you." "Colonel, we need some infor..." "Dismissed!" "My string quartet is rehearsing in town this morning and I'm leaving." "We just need a few facts for the camp newspaper, sir." "Camp newspaper?" "Uh, yes, sir-- we'd like to put one out with the records that we send home, sir, just to let people know what's going on in camp." "Request denied." "There will be no newspaper." "I see absolutely no reason for it, whatsoever." "Well, we were hoping to write the story of your life in serial form." "The story of my life?" "Front-page stuff, sir." "Inspiring." "Well, now, come to think of it, a camp newspaper might not be such a bad idea." "It could be very educational." "He's right, sir." "Absolutely." "We want to show the other Klink-- the one the world doesn't know-- the patron of the arts." "Of course." "Did you know that I patterned my entire violin technique after the great Kleinschmidt himself?" "You know, I have all of his recordings." "Here, this one is my favorite." "Oh, this is exciting." "Yeah, be sure to get this all down, Newkirk." "Even if I say so myself, my playing has been compared to his, you know, and quite favorably." "( violin music begins )" "What other officer is so versatile?" "Not General Burkhalter." "Not Colonel Schneider." "Not even..." "Colonel Schneider?" "Did you say Colonel Schneider?" "Yeah, the officer that's coming here this afternoon." "Now, about your violin, sir..." "How did you know that?" "We read it in a German newspaper." "We were using it to light a fire." "Newspaper?" "What newspaper?" "I think it was the Schweinfurt Shopping News or something like that, sir." "Anyway, you were saying about the violin..." "But it couldn't be." "What did it say?" "Well, it was talking about the meeting with Burkhalter inasmuch as Schneider is the, um..." "The new air force liaison officer." "Yeah, yeah, that's it, and it said they were going to be discussing the, uh..." "Luftwaffe ground support plan?" "Uh, right, and it also said, sir, that they were going to talk about the, uh..." "Colonel, you know." "Of course, of course..." "I got it right on the tip of me tongue." "No... it didn't mention they would be briefing officers on the German war effort?" "Exactly." "Right." "That's all we read, though, because the page was torn." "Somebody wanted to get to the funnies on the other side." "But I don't understand-- it's top secret." "It simply could not be in the Shopping News." "Well, obviously it was." "How else would we know all about it?" "Right." "Top secret." "I can't attend, and it's in a newspaper?" "On the other side of the funnies." "Well, you've got to rehearse." "We'll see you later." "Sorry, Hogan, I couldn't be more help to you." "But you were, Colonel, you were." "High-level strategy meeting?" "Yeah, this Schneider and his men will be meeting right in our rec hall." "What are we going to do, Colonel?" "I don't know what we can do." "Work hard to make this a nice place, something like this comes up, and there goes the neighborhood." "Don't tell me you wouldn't like to listen in on that meeting." "Like to?" "We got to." "But with the SS on guard, it won't be easy." "We can't tunnel in there, not by this afternoon." "And we can't plant a microphone there, either." "There's just no way to string a wire across." "HOGAN:" "There just might be." "Sure, of course." "Today's Monday." "Monday's wash day." "Aha!" "( chuckles )" "A little old rub-a-dub-a-dub, huh?" "Right, Schultz." "Louis, I don't know how you get your collars so white." "I use a German miracle soap." "They come out whiter than white." "Of course they're khaki, so they're supposed to be brown." "Hey-- two more loads coming up." "No more room on the line." "What a shame." "We wanted to look good for the important visitors." "So, why don't you put up another line?" "Now, why didn't we think of that?" "Yeah, yeah." "Where can we, uh... can we attach the other end of this, Schultz?" "Should be some place." "Yeah, the wall of the rec hut, huh?" "That Schultz-- he's done it again." "Yeah, would you mind doing it for us, Schultz?" "Oh, no, I'd be glad to." "And make it high enough so that the long underwear doesn't drag on the ground, huh?" "All set at this end." "All right, now I'll attach the mic to the other end of the clothes wire, drop it through their back window, and we're in business." "I don't know, Colonel." "I don't think it's going to be all that easy." "Those SS men are sharp, and they play rough." "Mm-hmm." "There's nothing to worry about." "Nobody's going to beat us in our own ballpark." "It may be our ballpark, but they just hit a home run." "Hey, they're bringing some stuff in for the big meeting." "NEWKIRK:" "Must be the maps of the new attack plan." "Boy, if we could just get a look at them." "Well, maybe we can get close enough through one of the windows, huh?" "SS MAN:" "What is this?" "LeBEAU:" "All right, all right." "We're moving." "Okay, okay." "CARTER:" "All right, we're moving." "SCHULTZ ( with shower running ):" "* Swanee, ach ich lieb dich, ach ich lieb dich... *" "What the heck is that, an air raid?" "Don't you recognize it?" "It's Schultz." "Schultz?" "It's the NCO barracks." "He's singing in the shower." "Either singing or drowning." "Hey, let's wait a minute." "I want to see if he can crack the glass." "I think he can do it." "He's already got the paint peeling off the wall." "At least somebody's happy." "( Schultz continues singing merrily )" "Wait a minute, that's it." "That's how we can crack the meeting." "What, are you going to get Schultz to blow the wall down?" "Let's hope his voice holds out." "Then we'll have something to sing about." "( panting ):" "What is it, Colonel Hogan?" "Carter told me you wanted to see me about something right away." "Right, Schultz-- we've got to find out who it was we heard singing in the NCO shower about 15 minutes ago." "And for that you had me run all the way?" "It's very important, Schultz." "Newkirk's uncle's a big impresario in London." "Newkirk worked for him as a talent scout." "I tell you something, the person with that golden voice is big-time-- big big-time." "And that's one of our men?" "Yeah-- all we've got to do is record that voice, get it to London, and his fortune is made." "And ours, too." "But first we have to find this genius." "He's a genius?" "And he's here?" "Mm-hmm." "But you don't know who it is." "No, all we know is he was singing "Swanee."" "My hair stands on end when I think about it." "Well..." "I'll try to help you to find him." "Mm-hmm." "NEWKIRK:" "You'd be starting a friend on that stairway to the stars, Schultz." "Let me see." "You are looking for a man who was singing "Swanee,"" "and he was in the shower room 15 minutes ago." "I got it." "It was me." "Oh, come on!" "( laughter )" "Good old Schultz with the jokes." "Look, we can't keep the machine much longer." "Now, go find him." "But Colonel Hogan, it was me." "I was in the shower room 15 minutes ago." "Look, see-- squeaky clean." "Is it possible?" "Only one way to find out, sir." "Sing, Schultz." "* Swanee, ach ich lieb dich, ach ich lieb dich *" "* Mein altes Swanee... *" "A star is born." "That's great;" "now we record." "Yeah, look, we'll talk about contracts later." "Right now, we want you to sing." "The world is waiting." "( recorder whirring )" "* Swanee, ach ich lieb dich, ach ich lieb dich *" "* Mein altes Swanee *" "* Du bist der schönste Fluss *" "* Ich schick dir grossen Kuss nach D-I-X-I-E *" "* Mammy... *" "( grunts )" "* Mammy, ich... *" "What's wrong?" "The voice?" "No, the voice is glorious, Schultz-- out here, but in there..." "It's the acoustics, darn it!" "What a pity this room just doesn't do you justice." "We need a big place-- something to give you a concert hall sound." "The rec hall would be perfect, but of course we can't use it." "You mean...kaput?" "Eh, maybe it's just as well, Schultz." "Stardom carries a heavy price." "I mean, sure, it means fame and fortune, but is that really all there is to happiness?" "Sounds all right to me." "No, call it an omen." "The fact that we can't get into that rec hall for ten minutes has probably saved you the unhappy trap of parties, yachts and starlets." "Of course, it'd mean giving up your military career, serving under officers like Colonel Klink." "Yeah, it'd be too terrible a sacrifice, Schultz." "I don't mind the big sacrifice, and as far as money and starlets is concerned, it's something I will have to learn to live with." "I have to get into the rec hall." "But how?" "I'll think of something." "Perhaps we have to clean inside." "I've got it." "We have to clean inside." "He's done it again!" "( laughs )" "That's it!" "SCHULTZ:" "Eins-zwei-drei, eins-zwei-drei..." "What is all this?" "Oh, they're a special cleaning detail." "Cleaning?" "I wasn't told." "Don't worry" " I'll be with them every minute." "There are secret papers in there and maps." "But they are covered." "Besides, we will be on the other end of the room." "Well..." "It's all right." "The box is full of cleaning rags, that's all." "Make it quick." "Ja, just cleaning rags." "I said all right." "It looks like a big box for cleaning rags, but that's what it is." "Rags, that's all-- rags!" "SCHULTZ:" "Did you see how I fooled that stupid trooper and told him there were only cleaning rags in the box?" "HOGAN:" "Yeah-- very sharp, Schultz." "SCHULTZ:" "Only cleaning rags!" "HOGAN:" "Yeah, told him five or six times." "Um..." "Schultz, you ought to do some breathing exercises." "Face the wall." "Deep breath." "( breathes deeply )" "The mic is connected to the lights." "(tuning voice)" "It will start recording when you turn on the switch." "Schultz, we're all set." "This is it." "Oh, I'm so excited." "Wh-Why is it closed?" "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, that's professional technique." "We don't want the sound of the machine to get on the record do we, Schultz?" "Well... this is it." "Go right ahead, songbird." "Here comes the bad news for Nelson Eddy." "I'll be back in an hour with Colonel Schneider and his staff." "Have all security precautions been strictly observed?" "Oh, Herr General, don't I always do a good job for you?" "If you did, I wouldn't be asking." "One more thing, General Burkhalter." "I find that I will be able to rearrange my schedule, so if you like, I can be present at your meeting." "No, this is a highly confidential matter." "I can't attend and a reporter of the Shopping News knows all about it?" "Klink, you need a vacation." "SCHULTZ ( in background ):" "* Swanee, ach ich lieb dich, ach ich lieb dich *" "* Mein altes Swanee... *" "( Schultz continues singing inside )" "* Und Mammy, meine Mammy, liebe Mammy... *" "KLINK:" "What's this?" "SCHULTZ:" "Nothing, Herr Kommandant." "Just singing and..." "and... and cleaning." "You know this place is restricted." "Is this one of your ideas, Hogan?" "Nein, Herr Kommandant." "Uh, the prisoner Newkirk, he has an uncle who is an impresario in London." "He makes people famous from music and concerts all over the world, so I send him this record, even though it means a big sacrifice and I have to take away all the starlets from Nelson Eddy." "That will do, Schultz-- dismissed!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "HOGAN:" "We'd better be going, fellas." "KLINK:" "No, Hogan, uh..." "you stay here." "I'm not quite finished with this yet." "We were just trying to do Schultz a favor, sir." "KLINK:" "Newkirk?" "Uh... sir?" "Tell me about this uncle of yours, eh?" "Uh... oh, yes, yes." "Well, there's not much to tell really, sir." "He... he's just an uncle." "He's a tall fellow, about this big and, uh..." "he's married to my aunt." "And, uh... he's an impresario, huh?" "Oh..." "And you came here to record this for your uncle because of Schultz's magnificent voice?" "It's really not bad, sir." "With a little bit of training, he could probably..." "You know, Hogan, I find this whole thing quite strange." "Quite strange indeed." "Why him, when you could have recorded some really fine violin music, eh?" "You mean you?" "You might consider?" "Well, we never dared hope, sir." "You know, Hogan, the trouble with you is you don't think big." "I will assemble my string quartet, and you can send that impresario some music that he can really use." "NEWKIRK:" "Absolutely smashing idea, sir." "We'll do it first thing in the morning, sir." "Why wait?" "Let's do it right now." "Now?" "You take this machine back to my office." "I will gather my musicians and we will record immediately." "And I promise you, it'll be a wonder." "Yes, sir." "I'll be a wonder all right." "Ready, Herr Hüper?" "Herr Räder, Herr Eugen." "And now, gentlemen, the Hammelburg Quartet will perform for posterity." "It's a privilege to be present, sir." "Are we ready to go on the air, huh?" "Yes, sir." "On the air is right." "That's all there is in this box." "Let's hope he doesn't find out, because it won't take him long to figure where the real recorder is." "( musicians warming up )" "Ready to roll, Hogan?" "All right, gentlemen, let's go." "One, two, three." "( quartet playing disharmoniously )" "( musicians playing off key )" "Now, gentlemen, Colonel Schneider will brief you on the Luftwaffe ground support plan for our coming offensive." "Thank you, General." "We have six new squadrons of fighter..." "We need more light in here." "We have six new squadrons of fighter bombers." "They will operate in coordination with the Panzer battalions beginning on the 21st." "Communications will be on the 15-meter band." "The meeting has started." "So has Klink's concert." "I don't know which way to look for the explosion." "( quartet playing disharmoniously )" "( violins clashing )" "The second group will form at the Rhine bridge on the 22nd." "The code word is "Walküre."" "They will advance toward the north." "( off-key playing continues )" "The aircraft will be concealed at the Stuttgart airdrome." "( all stop playing )" "Ah, General Burkhalter." "How did the, uh..." "you-know-what go?" "The meeting is over, but what is going on here?" "KLINK:" "Oh, we're just having a little musicale." "Oh, by the way, General Burkhalter, may I present the members of the Hammelburg Quartet?" "Herr Hüper, Herr Räder, Herr Eugen." "We are recording Mozart's D-major Quartet." "Köchel number 499." "I play the first violin, of course." "BURKHALTER:" "How nice, Klink." "HOGAN:" "We'll be running along, Commandant." "A very compelling performance." "Naturally." "Herr General, would you like to hear the record?" "I'm really quite busy." "Oh, it'll just take a moment." "Hogan, why don't you play the record we just made?" "The general would like to hear it." "You know, it's really quite marvelous, especially the second movement." "( humming )" "BURKHALTER:" "Klink, forgive me." "Amateur musicals have little fascination for me." "I happen to be in the middle of a war." "( beautiful recording of Mozart's quartet playing )" "Not too bad." "Mmm, if I close my eyes," "I'd think it was Kleinschmidt himself." "( beautiful music continues playing )" "I don't understand why I haven't heard from them." "I arranged for that record to get to London two weeks ago." "It just might be that they would prefer more popular music." "Popular?" "Yeah, we wrote down some of the current favorites as best we could remember." "These might have more appeal, sir." "Oh, really, you think they might, huh?" "Yeah." "Oh, good-- key of C." "It might be worth a try." "You understand, Colonel, it is important that Berlin does not hear about all our losses from that last Luftwaffe attack plan." "I still don't understand what went wrong." "They had more planes in the air than we did." "That American Air Corps" "I never want to hear about them again ever!" "( violin music coming from Klink's headquarters )" "( playing U.S. Air Force anthem )" "Not bad, huh?" "He's doing beautifully." "And after he gets this done, he's going to tackle "Anchors Aweigh"" "and "America the Beautiful."" "( Klink playing passionately, finishes with flourish )"