"[Theme music]" "ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants" "See, we're just like you" "We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs" "See, we're just like you" "Yes, we graduate from Harvard" "At the head of my class!" "But if you take sobriety" "I may not pass!" "There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my" "We're just like you!" "[Engine choking]" "The car won't start again." "Your next car should be a tow truck." "GREG:" "At times we get so attached to things that it becomes hard to move on." "Things like old cars, bad relationships... my pet snake who loved to sleep in the driveway." "[Greg sobbing]" "GREG:" "Oh, heaven." "GREG:" "You know, I promised myself I wasn't going to do this." "It just needs a minute." "It's probably flooded." "Yeah, flooded with suckiness." "[Greg groans]" "alison:" "Jack!" "alison:" "Jack, hold up." "I need to talk to you." "I just got a call from your agent about that movie you were cast in." "Great, isn't it?" "I've been wanting to branch out for a while." "Try something different so I don't get typecast." "That's fine, but I don't think it's a good idea for you... to be playing a psychotic children's TV show host... who entertains kids by day and kills hookers by night." "Well, I guess we'll just agree to disagree." "Jack, they just want to exploit your Sweetknuckle Junction character." "On Sweetknuckle Junction, I play an engineer." "The character on Helping Hands Station is a conductor." "Junction Jack is completely different from Locomotive Louie." "I mean, come on." "alison:" "It'd be bad for the show, and, contractually, I have the last word." "So I'm not going to let you do it." "I can make Locomotive Louie a completely unique character." "Your window's open." "[Alison grunts]" "You just think I can't play a convincing psycho killer." "Well, I can." "You'll see." "alison:" "Sorry." "JACK:" "I can be a psycho killer!" "I can be a psycho killer!" "I can't believe the car's not working." "And on the day when we've got all this extra dry ice." "Hey, Blah, do you know anything about cars?" "Yeah, sure." "I know that yours is older than I am... and it's leaking more fluids." "GREG:" "Can you give us a lift?" "Yeah, sure." "I just have to make one quick stop first." "GREG:" "Great." "jimmy:" "Perfect." "[Blah sobbing]" "[Sentimental instrumental music]" "Okay, let's go." "GlL:" "No, listen, I love what you did... but Alison at the network just hated your Trust Song." "So she's making me fire you." "What?" "I put my heart and soul into that song." "I know, and it shows." "Please, and I quote your song:" "[Singing] May my bones be crushed to moldy dust" "If you can't trust, you can't trust" "You can trust me ...when I say that I loved your song." "Your office's been cleaned out, boxes are already in your car." "So off you go." "This sucks." "What was that about?" "Nothing." "The writer of the Trust Song just quit." "Really?" "I love that song." "Hey, we all did." "Maggie, you can tell your lawyer to stick it in his briefcase, all right?" "I am not signing the divorce papers until I get the porcelain thimble collection." "I don't care whose great-grandmother smuggled them out of Poland or how." "That is what I want." "[Grunts in disgust]" "So apparently... poor Blah has been visiting his wife's grave every day for six years." "Well, in all fairness, it's not like she can go to his place." "My Uncle Dan was a romantic like this." "He used to visit the spot where my aunt was buried all the time." "That's how the fbi finally found the body." "You know, we should take Blah out to meet some hot babe." "Or at least one that's room temperature, right?" "Come on." "You're wasting your time." "Trust me, that sentimental sap's never gonna wanna be with another woman." " lt couldn't hurt to try." " Yes, it could." "We should take him to Digitz." "That cheesy phone bar?" "That's just a meat market to pick up someone for a one-night stand." " So?" " I volunteer at a senior center... and they have a Silver Singles night." "Maybe we should take him there." "Fine, just get him laid." "[Rock music playing]" "BLAH:" "Look, boys, I know your hearts are in the right place... but I really don't want to be here." "Come on, Blah." "How can you not love this place?" "All you gotta do is scope out a hottie, pick up the phone... and call the number of their booth." "BLAH:" "Can I call a cab on this thing?" "jimmy:" "No." "Operator." "Man, how old are you?" "Give me that." "[Phone rings]" "See?" "Get it, Jimmy." "Hey, baby, you see something you like?" "[Jimmy exclaims]" "Yeah, I think I can help you out with that." "Okay, you just sit tight." "Give that back when you're done." "You know what?" "You can use it all." "All right." "[Rock music playing]" "[Clanging]" "Hello?" "[Scary instrumental music]" "Jack!" "I saw you." "Look, I know you want to do that movie... but you're really freaking me out now." "[Clang]" "I have pepper spray!" "[Screaming]" "alison:" "It burns!" "Over here, between the vampire and the bunny rabbit." "Hey, girls." "Hello?" "I can see you." "See, boys?" "It's not so easy to meet women, huh?" "Come on." "Sure it is." "You just got to start off... by lowering your standards a little bit." "That's all." "Skatchamagowza!" "Would you check out what's available at Table 9?" "[Rhythmic music playing]" "Oh, no." "Fine, then just sit there, but I ain't too proud." "Neither am I, my brother." "[Phone rings]" "Sister, sister." "The men from Table 4 are coming over." "No, we are." "No, we're coming over there." "No, it's totally cool." "It'll be cool." "It'll be fun." "Don't you leave." "Okay, let's go." "Watch how it's done." "Smooth." "maggie:" "Can I buy you a drink?" "Maggie Demontague." "How are you?" "I'm fine, Freddy." "How are you?" "Well, 110/80, and the plumbing still works." "I can't complain." " You're not here with my ex, are you?" " No, Warren is not here." "Two guys from work brought me here... in order to find me a woman." "Pretty pathetic, huh?" "I think I got you beat." "The two friends who dragged me here... they're from my Women with Needs support group." "Now they're talking to a couple of losers." "GREG:" "We got a pinball machine, a lava lamp, and a glass ball." "I just got a great idea." "Your friends don't know me, and my friends don't know you." "So if we pretend like we're leaving together... we can both go home." "Great idea." "I can't stand this place." "This joint is for losers." "Who needs love?" "[Romantic instrumental music]" "That was amazing." "Yeah." "[Lively instrumental music]" "Oh, Gil." "Just the guy I wanted to see." "BLAH:" "Listen, I really need to..." " Are you putting on makeup?" " No." "Well, sort of... 'cause I have an acne problem which you can't see right now... but it flares up in times of stress." "So, what do you want?" "I need to tell you something personal." "Let me stop you right there." "Personal, not my area." "But, look, last night I slept with someone I really shouldn't have." "Not my..." "Go on." "I slept with Maggie, Warren's ex-wife." "All right, how the hell did that happen?" "It's all Jimmy and Greg's fault." "They took me to this seedy phone bar." "Well, I hadn't been with anyone in six years... and Maggie was there, and one thing led to another... and the next thing I know, she's blahing me." "Didn't need to hear that." "I feel just awful, and Warren's a friend." "This thing between you and Maggie, is it serious?" "No, it's just a one-time thing." "Technically, it's a four-time thing." "Just one night." "Four?" "I know, I'm a little rusty." "But how do I tell Warren?" "You don't breathe a word of it to Warren, okay?" "Even if he asks you, you lie." "Honesty's not going to help anyone here, Blah." "Now go get ready for the Trust Song, which by the way, I wrote." "[Rhythmic instrumental music]" "How are you doing?" "I heard about your little escapade last night." "You did?" "Yes, I did, and somebody's been a very naughty little puppet, huh?" "[Both laugh]" " Yes." "How did you hear?" " Greg and Jimmy told me." "They said that last night at the bar, you left with some mysterious redhead." "Oh, yes." "Mysterious redhead." "Very mysterious." "Totally unknown." "Even I didn't know who she was... because I was so damn drunk last night." "Hey, guys." "So you did it?" "You finally found somebody to go down for the Count?" "Yeah, told you, Warren." "You can't miss at that place." " Yeah, so did you guys score, too?" " Almost." "[Greg grunts]" "Good luck in the chat rooms, boys." "So, Blah." "Give me some details." "I want to know how she was." "Was she good?" "Now, look, Warren, please." "You know I don't like to talk about such things." "Why not?" "Come on, it'll be fun, you know." "Just two guys bonding." "All happy... and carefree, and lighthearted." "[Slow instrumental music]" "[Sobbing]" "Warren, what's the matter?" "I can't keep up this charade of playful locker-room banalities any longer." "I'm so hopelessly and madly in love with Maggie." "But, Warren, I thought you were happy to be rid of her." "You know, I pretended I was, and, of course, you all believed me." "I mean, how could you not with my acting skills?" "I just..." "[Warren continues sobbing]" "WARREN:" "I spent the entire night in front of her house, with flowers... but she never came home." "She never came home, Blah!" "I tell you, when I get a hold of the man she has been sleeping with..." "I'm going to tear out his heart like she's torn out mine!" "[Tense instrumental music]" "[Warren screams in anger]" "WARREN:" "Die, you bastard!" "Sleep with my wife, will you?" "[Chattering like a chimpanzee]" "WARREN:" "Why, Maggie, why?" "WARREN:" "I'll crush your skull, you damn home-wrecker!" "Blah:" "Yes." "That's it." "Let it out." "Get rid of all those violent thoughts." "You know, Blah." "I'm only telling you this... because you know what it's like to love someone so much." "You know, pining as you have all these years for your dead wife." "But at least you know where she is every night." "Yeah." "I'm going to call Maggie right now." "[Clears throat]" "[Dialing]" "[Phone ringing]" " Hello?" " Blah?" "[Blah gasps]" "How come when I dialed Maggie's number, I got your phone?" "What the hell are you doing that for?" "Well, don't you watch 20/20?" "These things give you cancer." "In fact, what sort of friend would I be... if I let you use one of these death machines?" " Maggie?" " Hi, Gil." "Is Blah around?" "I spent the night in his place" "maggie:" "What?" "What are you doing here?" "I came to get my cell phone back from Blah." "Did it occur to you that coming to a set where you're married to one actor... and just spent the night boffing another, might cause some tension?" "Well, I ain't here for the tour." "Do not move." "[Rhythmic instrumental music]" "DOTTlE:" "Why would you think Jack's stalking you?" "Because I told him he couldn't do this horror flick." "He's totally trying to freak me out." "Everywhere I turn, he's hiding in the background." "JACK:" "Hi, Dottie, Alison." "alison:" "Hi." "[Whispering] Did you see that?" "I know Jack's a little strange, but he's not stalking you." "When would he have the time... with all his anger-management classes and gun club meetings?" "Well, good luck with that." "Alison." "[Both screaming]" "All right, here you go." " Looks like it may need a new battery." " What happened?" "GlL:" "Anyway, here, just take it." "I'll get it." "maggie:" "I got it." "GlL:" "Oh, my back." "Gil, my fur is all matted." "Have you seen the new fluffer?" "[Warren gasps]" " Maggie!" " Warren!" "Oh, I knew you were a slut... but I thought you had some standards." "And you." "You will not make a monkey out of me!" "GlL:" "Get him off me!" "maggie:" "Warren, stop it!" "WARREN:" "Mess with my wife, will you, Bender?" "I will now relieve you of the burden of consciousness." "Come on" "[Tense instrumental music]" "[Warren roaring]" "[Warren groans]" "Yeah!" "Damn it." "Warren, stop it." "[Warren groans]" "There is nothing going on between Gil and me." "I mean, look at him." "Hello, person with feelings standing here." "Despite what you think, I wouldn't just sleep with anything." ""Anything"?" "Hey, you married an ape and slept with a vampire!" "That's..." "What?" "[Groans]" "And by that, I mean, you married an ape, and period." "That's it." "You slept with Count Blah?" "No." "I thought I just straightened that out." "Yes, I slept with him." "As you were." "And I'll have you know Blah is the greatest lover I've ever had." "Talk about a G-spot?" "He found the whole damn alphabet." "All right." "Okay, I've heard enough." "Let her finish." "I am finished, and so are we!" "Please, Maggie." "How many times have we heard that before?" "You know the pattern." "You'll run off with one of your new-age gurus... and then he'll drop you like a hot potato when he meets a new hottie at Tae Bo." "You are a pompous, self-centered monkey." "You are a shallow, manipulative trollop." "Why don't we all calm down before somebody says something untrue?" " Shut up, Bender." " Fine." "I'm serious this time." "I want those divorce papers signed." "Do you get the message, or do I have to sleep with everyone here?" "My bed has rails." "[Squeals]" "[Maggie sighing]" "[Door creaking]" "Hello?" "[Tense instrumental music]" "Who's there?" "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "[Drill whirring]" "Jack, is that you?" "[Drill whirs]" "alison:" "Jack, I know it's you." "MASKED MAN:" "I'm not Jack." "Yes, Jack, you are a very convincing psychopath, but the answer is still no... and it's going to stay no unless you're really going to kill me." "[Jack yells]" "Jack?" "This clown could've killed you." "Who are you?" "The writer you fired because you didn't like my Trust Song." "I didn't fire you." "Gil said you quit." "He said that?" "Is he in his office, and does it have a grounded outlet?" "[Ominous instrumental music]" "[Jack exclaims]" "That was close." "Good thing I was stalking you." "Thank you." "You saved my life." " Does this mean I can be in the movie?" " No." "[Knocking at door]" " Hey." " Go away, Blah." "Look, Warren, I don't blame you for being mad." "I've just been alone for so long." "All right." "I know that's no excuse." "So I'm truly sorry." "[Soft instrumental music]" "Forget it." "You know, Maggie has a way with men." "Three ways, actually." "I'm sure a few new ones she's got on the drawing board." "So you forgive me?" "Yeah, Lord knows I've forgiven myself for worse atrocities... and the truth is... you've been a better friend to me than Maggie's ever been a wife." "Still, it's just hard to let her walk away, you know." "I mean, what am I going to do without her?" "You'll be fine." "Besides, if you're always retracing your footsteps... you'll never make new ones." "It's a little odd coming from somebody whose idea of a date... is to sob uncontrollably to a marble slab." "I guess we both need to move on." "Yeah, you're right." "And I have some divorce papers to sign." "And I think I need to go see my wife." "Right after I return this to the hardware store." "[Solemn instrumental music]" "Maldora, you remember my friends Jimmy and Greg from the other day." " Hi." " Hey, what's going on?" "She can only hear you." "She can't answer questions." "When did you become such an expert on the rules?" "Tell Jimmy that your dead wife can't answer him." "Boys, I'm sort of in the middle of something here." "Anyway, my darling..." "I want you to know that I will love you always." "But, well, until I am with you again in heaven..." "I think I am ready to find someone down here... to help keep me warm." "GREG:" "You know, I really learned something that day." "Something besides the fact that Jimmy has to get a new car... because these little side trips to the cemetery... are way too emotionally draining." "I learned that, you know, even though it's scary to let go of the past... being able to do so is a true test of character." "[Soft rock music]" "[Warren moaning]" "Oh, I love you, Maggie." "[Romantic music]" "You disgust me." "That's my baby." "[People laughing]" "[People cheering]" "director:" "Cut!" "[Laughter continues]" "[People clapping]" "You were great."