"#" " Tiffani:" "Come, come to me, mi hijo." "#" " Ernesto:" "Tiffani, you are crying." "Why, my darling?" " Tiffani:" "Oh, Ernesto, it's just I've been with so many men." " Ernesto:" "Have there been many?" " Tiffani:" "No." " Ernesto:" "It will not matter if you have been with millions of men." " Tiffani:" "Well, you're getting warm." "With other men it's just sex." "Random trashy sex that goes on for days." "But with you," "I will finally make love." "#" "Oh, Ernesto," "I totally love you." " Ernesto:" "I want to make many children." " Tiffani:" "Yes, children." "Put children in me now!" "Fuck me now!" "Harder, Ernesto, come on." "Oh, yes, fuck me like a day laborer." "Yeah, baby, take me from behind." "Use me, treat me like a fuck machine." "Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!" " Ernesto:" "In the butt?" " Tiffani:" "Yes, in the butt, now." " Ernesto:" "Tiffani, we must stop." " Tiffani:" "If you stop" "I'll rip off your dick and shove it in there myself." " Ernesto:" "Tiffani, we're in a coffin." " Tiffani:" "Shut up, you're ruining my fantasy." " Ernesto:" "Tiffani." " Tiffani:" "Shit, my speech." "#" "Gracias, Ernesto." "#" "I love funerals." "#" " Helen:" "Kyle and Mark loved life, and that's why we're here today." "My son was so proud of his homosexuality that he would want you all to know exactly how he died." "My son rocketed off this mortal coil at 80 miles an hour down the Ronald Regan freeway while giving the man he loved a blowjob." "According to the autopsy report, as Mark began to bust a nut," "Celine Dion's tour bus appeared going in the wrong direction." "Upon impact, my boys came together." "And they died together, doing what they loved." "Amen." "[clapping]" "Kyle's best friend," "Tiffani Vanderslut, has prepared a special tribute." " Tiffani:" "I wouldn't call us best friends exactly." "This number goes out to you," "Kyle and Mark." "Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?" "I remember the time" "Kyle pretended to be straight for my ex boyfriend, Troy, who made him eat my pussy." "And then everything went..." "Well, maybe that's not an appropriate memory." "And Mark." "Actually I hardly knew you but whatever, thanks for coming." "[lauhging]" "Here's a little diddy" "I learned in Girl Scouts." "I had to look up the lyrics online." "# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #" "# Someone's praying, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Someone's praying, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Someone's praying, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #" "# Someone's praying, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Someone's squirming, # # my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Someone's horny, my lord, # # cum-by-ya. #" "# Oh yes, my lord!" "#" "# Cum-by-ya. #" "Oh, God, it's so hard," "I just need to... pray." "#" " everybody:" "Lord, hear our prayer." " Casey:" "I'm gonna love this town." "#" " Helen:" "It isn't much, but I can give you a good deal on the rent." " Casey:" "It's perfection." " Helen:" "You haven't seen it." " Casey:" "It's near my Aunt, what more could I want?" " Helen:" "Well, it is furnished and it'll be nice to have family around." " Casey:" "Thank you, Aunt Helen." " Helen:" "I just wish you and Kyle could've spent more time together." "Did he know you were a mo?" " Casey:" "Uh..." "I didn't know I was a mo until like a year ago." " Helen:" "Color me, Britney." "I always thought you were gayer than a midnight screening of Showgirls." " Casey:" "I was one of those clueless gays." "Everyone knew but me." " Helen:" "So when did you finally get your man-cherry popped?" " Casey:" "Aunt Helen!" "You don't wanna hear about that." " Helen:" "Of course I do." "I wouldn't be a good aunt if I didn't." "[phone ringing]" " Casey: 696?" "Is that local?" " Helen:" "Well, I gave your number to that slut from the funeral, Tiffani." " Casey:" "Oh, I love her." " Helen:" "Kyle adored her." "And, well, I thought you might need some new friends, even if they are loser whores." " Casey:" "Hello?" " Tiffani:" "Casey, Casey." " Casey:" "Hey, Tiffani." " Tiffani:" "How did you know it was me?" " Casey:" "I remembered your sultry voice form the funeral." " Tiffani:" "Compliments will get you nowhere unless you're straight." "And hung like Mr. T." " Casey:" "Damn and damn." " Tiffani:" "As I thought." "Your aunt tells me you need a job, why don't you get your faggoty ass down to 4255 Hawthorne Lane." " Casey:" "You are such a stud." " Tiffani:" "I know." "Fuff!" "Where have you been sticking these things?" " Casey:" "Oh!" " Helen:" "Go on, go get your tramp on." " Casey:" "Thank you, Aunt Helen." "#" " Helen:" "I am the coolest adult in the world." "# [sighing]" "Oh, Kyle..." "My little queen." "#" " Tiffani:" "Nail Me, we do nails." "With release!" "No, I'm kidding, I mean, unless you're a really hot guy." "Are you?" "Well, I'm sorry you don't find my brand of humor..." "Well, I'm sorry I offended your Christian sensibility, but if you worship a guy who was hung on a cross, nails should be the last thing on your mind." "Who needs customer like her anyway." " Tiffani:" "Let me introduce you to the girls." "Pam, Candy." " Tiffani:" "They said they can't wait to get to know you." " Casey:" "Cool." "Tell them I feel the same way." " Tiffani:" "Basically, you sweep up, take phone calls and do whatever we say." "Can you handle that?" " Casey:" "Is Madonna awesome?" " Tiffani:" "Okay." "Well the job's yours anyway, but there's one little catch." "You have to come with me to this event thingy." " Casey:" "I love event thingies." " Tiffani:" "You try too hard." "Come on." " Casey:" "Right now?" "What about work?" " Tiffani:" "Fuck them." " Pam:" "Fuck you, too." "#" " Casey:" "What are we doing here?" "I don't like places like this." " Tiffani:" "Me neither, but they have this fundraiser where they auction off dates with shirtless beefcakes." "Nudity and open bar." " Casey:" "You're taking me to that?" "!" " Tiffani:" "No, it's in two weeks." "And you're taking me." "Kyle was going to, but, you know, he's dead." "So you're going to volunteer and get us free tickets." " Casey:" "But I'm so not a hot shirtless man." " Tiffani:" "You're hardly a man, no one would pay for you, you'll help out behind the scenes." " Casey:" "Why would I do that?" " Tiffani:" "I gave you that job and I can replace you with an immigrant, like that!" " Casey:" "Okay, okay, it's just that I'm not into the whole gay scene." " Helen:" "Welcome to the whole gay scene." "Are you kids here to volunteer?" " Tiffani:" "I'm not but Casey is." " Helen:" "Fabulous." "Darling, you're shaking like a little Chihuahua." "Don't be nervous," "I don't bite...much." "[laughing]" " Tiffani:" "He's never volunteered before." " Helen:" "Oh, a virgin." " Tiffani:" "If you don't count anal." " Helen:" "Well, either way, fill out this paperwork and then I'll have Zack, our volunteer coordinator, meet with you and figure out which position you'd be most comfortable in." "So to speak." " Casey:" "That's why" "I don't like these places." "They're full of these old horn dogs looking to get laid." " Tiffani:" "Jesus." "Lay off the fox news." " Casey:" "Really, I always hear 'the gay community' this, the 'gay community' that." "But all I see are a bunch of drunk assholes looking for sex, who don't care anything about relationships." " Tiffani:" "Excuse me," "Maria full of grace, but that doesn't sound any different than any straight bar." "Drunk sweaty men." "Drooling, groping, pressing their manhood all up against your supple ass on the dance floor." " Casey:" "God, you are gayer than I am." " Tiffani:" "Honey, I'm gayer than a Kevin Spacey" "Anderson Cooper chicken wrap, and what's wrong with that?" " Casey:" "Nothing, it's just" "I'm disappointed at how sex-centric the gay community is." " Tiffani:" "It's called homosexual, not homo-hug-ual, what did you expect?" " Casey:" "Romance?" "I want to travel the world on scooters, adopt children." " Tiffani:" "Children are just abortions that eat." " Casey:" "You know what?" "Forget it, I am not signing that stupid..." "Oh, my fuck." "#" " Zack:" "I see you got your paperwork." " Casey:" "Uh, yeah... just let me sign it." " Zack:" "Cool." "Jonathan?" " Casey:" "Uh, Casey." " Zack:" "Oh, I'm Zack." "This is Tandy." " Tiffani:" "I'm his best friend." " Casey:" "That's so funny," "I'm here with my best friend," "Tiffani." " Tiffani:" "No, I'm more like your boss." " Zack:" "Wow, best friends with T names." " Casey:" "Yeah, we should like form a club." " Tiffani:" "Excuse me," "I gotta go take a shit." " Tiffani:" "I'll come with." " Zack:" "So you're comfortable taking off your clothes?" " Casey:" "What?" " Zack:" "Oh, I just assumed you were volunteering to be one of the studs in the male sale." " Casey:" "I'm clearly not a... stud." "Are you a...a stud?" "I mean in the male sale?" " Zack:" "Yes, I'm in the auction." "But I sorta do everything around here." " Casey:" "So, wow, how'd you get into volunteering?" " Zack:" "I'm running credit for this faggotry studies class and it's a good way to meet people." " Casey:" "Totally good way." " Tiffani:" "Well, they look like they're getting along." " Tiffani:" "I guess we have to pretend to like each other now." " Tiffani:" "Wow, you're really good at it." " Zack:" "What are some of your skills?" " Casey:" "Huh?" " Zack:" "Things you can do to help with the auction?" "Since we can't sell you." " Casey:" "Well... what are your skills?" " Zack:" "Brochures, visual stuff," "I'm an art major." "I design all the posters here." " Casey:" "I can't even make a smiley on my cellphone." " Zack:" "Can you write?" " Casey:" "Does texting count?" " Zack:" "Maybe you could write the copy for one of the flyers" "I'm designing." "We could work on it together." " Casey:" "I'd love to." " Zack:" "Can I get your number?" " Casey:" "Really?" " Zack:" "Yeah, you didn't write it on your form." " Casey:" "Oh, yeah." " Zack:" "Do you know the Blue Dahlia Café?" " Casey:" "Uh, yeah." " Zack:" "Let's meet there tomorrow at 4:00." "We'll put you to work." " Casey:" "Okay, well, here's my number and you can have it too, if you want to..." " Lionel:" "Zack!" "#" "Can we leave this dump already?" "I can feel the troll sucking our youth away." " Zack:" "Lionel." "This is my boyfriend." " Casey:" "Oh, great." " Lionel:" "Me, you, talk in private." "Now." " Zack:" "Excuse us." "You didn't have to come if you're gonna be like this." " Lionel:" "You're the one complaining we never get to spend enough time together." "Well, here I am." " Zack:" "With your friends." " Lionel:" "Hey." "We're letting you auction us off for this dump." "Be grateful." "Let's get out of here." " Zack:" "I'm signed up for another hour." " Tiffani:" "I'll fucking cover for you." " Zack:" "You don't have to do that." " Tiffani:" "Oh, but I want to." "Besides, fleabag here gives me a rash." " Lionel:" "But I wasn't anywhere near your pussy." " Tiffani:" "Get him the fuck out of here." " Zack:" "Thanks, Tandy." "See you soon, buddy." " Casey:" "Yeah, sounds...." "Like that'll happen." "He's sweet, nice, and hot." "Of course he's taken." " Tiffani:" "Nah, he's just ass-pussy whipped." "They won't last long." ""Buddy."" "#" " Lionel:" "Don't take it so personally." " Zack:" "Why are we together, we don't like doing the same things." " Lionel:" "We like doing the same." " Zack:" "Swallowing doesn't count." " Lionel:" "Swallowing counts." "It's extra credit." " Zack:" "It's been six months and I still feel you're pulling away." " Lionel:" "Because you're always clinging on to me." " Zack:" "You won't even call us boyfriends in public." " Lionel:" "You know you want me inside you." " Zack:" "No." "I'm mad," "I'm not happy with how things are going." " Lionel:" "You're good at one thing." " Zack:" "Lionel." " Lionel:" "You're great at it." " Zack:" "Please, don't." "#" "I can't believe" "I'm doing this." "Please stop." "[panting]" "I don't want to do this." "[panting]" "I don't wanna...." " Lionel:" "Oh..." "Oh, yeah." "No one does it better than you." "#" "You can cling on to that anytime you like, snuggle bear." " Zack:" "We're through, get out." " Lionel:" "Can I at least come first?" " Zack:" "Get out!" " Lionel:" "Come on." "Are you ready to say goodbye to this?" " Zack:" "I'll slam the door on it if you don't get the fuck out." " Lionel:" "Good luck trying to find someone as hot as me." "[door slamming]" "I'm gonna come right here on your front door." "Yeah, you know you wish you were sucking this." " Zack:" "What am I doing?" " Lionel:" "Oh yeah." "Oh, fuck yeah." "[panting]" "You know what?" "Enjoy being alone, whack job." " Casey:" "Found him!" " Tiffani:" "Wow, stalker much?" " Casey:" "What should I say?" " Tiffani:" "I'm a lonely psychopath that look you up within an hour of meeting you." " Casey:" "Yes, I should wait until morning." " Tiffani:" "Then he'll think you obsessed about him all night." "Don't you know anything about the internet?" "You should make a fake profile." " Casey:" "What?" " Tiffani:" "Pretend to be a total random stranger so you can find out all his personal details." "People are honest with strangers." "My fake name is Tittsy Montgomery." " Casey:" "I could find out if he wants a serious relationship." " Tiffani:" "I was thinking more like cock size but whatever." "You need the perfect fake picture and I know the perfect person." " Casey:" "Holy rim job, who is that?" " Tiffani:" "My incredibly hot ex BF," "Ryan." "He's a stripper." "He was supposed to be my rebound after Troy broke my heart but he has a good tongue, so I let him stay." " Casey:" "Why did you break up with that?" " man:" "What if your boyfriend finds out?" " Tiffani:" "We have an open relationship." " Ryan:" "Uhh, we do?" " Tiffani:" "Ryan, this is not what it looks like." "#" " Ryan:" "Neither is this." " Tiffani:" "We had commitment issues." "Anyway, he moved to Tucson so it's totally safe to use his pictures." " Casey:" "Why would I want Zack to talk to someone way hotter than I am." " Tiffani:" "When's the last time you opened up to an ugly stranger?" "Besides, you find out what you need to know, then Ryan will disappear." "A fake profile is the perfect wingman." " Casey:" "Okay." "Okay, let's do this." "What's my name?" " Ryan:" "Ryan." " Casey:" "Ryan." "Do you agree to the following terms and conditions." "Number one," " Tiffani:" "Agree, you nerd!" " Casey:" "You should really read these things, you never know." " Tiffani:" "What are you, a pilgrim?" "I bet you avoid handicap spaces." "And vote." " Casey:" "Favorite movie?" "Roman Holiday, of course." "Straight acting or not?" " Tiffani:" "Put, "I'm gay," ""why should I act anything but what I am."" " Casey:" "Oh, you are scary good, girl." " Zack:" "Come on, breakup sex." "You are a hottie, let's hope you're next door cause I don't feel like driving." "# blip-blip-blip-blip" " Casey:" "Looking for?" "First I want to develop something special with you, then we fuck each other's brains out." "Perfect combination of romantic and nasty, right?" " Tiffani:" "Whatever, no one reads those, just write them." " Zack:" "Oh yeah, oh..." "#" " Zack:" "Yummy." " Casey:" "Oh, my God, it's him." "What do I do?" "What do I write?" " Tiffani:" "Write what you know." "Well, in your case, don't." " Casey:" "You're not helping." "#" " Zack:" "Gotta play it cool." "#" " Tiffani:" "Hey." "That's so romantic." "#" " Casey:" "Kindly help a broken hearted stranger with hours of meaningless sex!" " Tiffani:" "Oh God, yes." "#" " Zack:" "So, get to know me." " Tiffani:" "Oh shit!" "Can he see us?" " Casey:" "No." "My camera's not on." "#" " Tiffani:" "Oh." "#" " Zack:" "Likely story." "So, ask away." "Thanks for starting off easy." "I didn't want to put up with his shit anymore." "You know how you tell yourself that it's gonna get better?" "You know it's not, but you hang on to any little good thing he does to prove that it might get better." "Well, I guess there weren't any." "Then it was just the really hot sex." "Yeah." "#" "How do you know what the little good things are?" "#" "Okay, try me." " Casey:" "You're an artist." "I'd take you to a museum." "You look like a basketball fan." "Lakers tickets." "Massage, good bottle of wine." "And little things like bringing you something to drink without you having to ask." "#" " Tiffani:" "Well done, Ms. Cleo." " Zack:" "What can I do to get you to come over here right now." " Tiffani:" "Oh, strip." " Zack:" "Date?" "You already know me inside and out," "I think I'm in love." "Wait, I know." "If you don't come over..." " Casey:" "He is not!" " Zack:" "Here's what you'll be missing." " Tiffani:" "Get out of my way!" "Holy clit!" " Casey:" "Oh, my God." " Zack:" "Oh shit." " Casey:" "I cannot believe..." " Tiffani:" "You spilled your Sunny Delight." "How could you?" " Casey:" "You owe me a computer!" "And a boyfriend." " Tiffani:" "He's a fake." "No one can be that hot and that nice, it's against the nature." " Zack:" "But he has tons of profile pictures, he must be real." " Tiffani:" "You still believe" "The Hills is real." " Zack:" "If he was a fake, he would've watched me jack off." " Tiffani:" "I just threw up a little bit in my pussy." " Tiffani:" "Maybe it's not a good idea for us to hang out?" "I don't believe you." " Casey:" "Zack's single now, so the reason we invented Ryan doesn't matter anymore." "I mean, why keep up the charade?" " Tiffani:" "Why email him at all?" "Just disappear." "You're still pretending to be Ryan, even if it is just to dump him." " Casey:" "I'm just being polite." " Tiffani:" "You're just keeping him and his pretty dick hanging on, so you still have access to him in case he doesn't go for exhibit A." " Casey:" "You're right." "If he normally gets prime rib like Ryan, why would he settle for..." " Tiffani:" "Turkey burger?" "#" " Zack:" "I blew it, Mr. Fake doesn't wanna meet me." " Tiffani:" "Because he's not real." " Zack:" "I came on too strong." " Tiffani:" "Gay men hate guys who do that." " Zack:" "He was trying to get to know me but I went from zero to sixty-nine." " Tiffani:" "There are millions of men who can fuck first and then fall in love." " Zack:" "But I don't want other men," "I want him." " Tiffani:" "My mom warned me" "I was turning into a fag hag." " Zack:" "You're not a fag hag." " Tiffani:" "I'm gonna be a fat spinster whose only sexual outlet is sucking off drunken homos." " Zack:" "You'd suck me off if I were drunk, right?" " Tiffani:" "My fag hag days are over." "#" " Tiffani:" "Now separate the finger nails from the toe nails." " Casey:" "Ew, what?" " Tiffani:" "Busy work." "You still have fifteen minutes left." " Casey:" "I must get ready for my date." " Tiffani:" "It's not a date, queef-cake." " Casey:" "It's a date, he just doesn't know it yet." " Tiffani:" "My, my, look who went and downloaded some balls." " Casey:" "He might've seen" "Ryan's picture online last night, but he was talking to me." "We have a connection." "At least we will by the end of the night." "#" " Tiffani:" "Fuck, I've got to see this." "#" " Zack:" "Sorry I'm late." " Casey:" "Oh, no problem," "I had nothing else to do." "Wait, that sounds bad." " Zack:" "No it doesn't, you just moved here." " Casey:" "I..." "I drafted up some ideas for the male sale flyers." "I Google-imaged you." " Zack:" "Whoa, these are great." "Thanks for giving me extra abs." " Casey:" "Those are yours and you know it." " Zack:" "Thanks for the ego boost," "I could really use one right about now." " Casey:" "I'm sorry about your breakup." " Zack:" "How did you know?" " Casey:" "Oh!" "I..." " Zack:" "Lionel?" "He's a big fucking mouth." " Casey:" "That's one of the reasons" "I don't like the gay community." " Zack:" "I think the gay community is more diverse than you give it credit for." " Casey:" "Well, I think he's crazy for breaking up with you." " Zack:" "I broke up with him." " Casey:" "Sorry." " Zack:" "No big deal." "He's not what's bothering me." "I met this guy online last night, Ryan, oh, my God." "You have never seen anything like him, and he was so totally into me until I blew it." " Casey:" "You think you blew it?" " Zack:" "Yeah, I got too sexual." "A fatal flaw." " Casey:" "Well, if he was just a hot body, those are..." " Zack:" "It was more than that." "This guy connected with me." "He was smart and funny and he knew me." " Casey:" "He sounds too good to be true." " Zack:" "Yeah, he probably is fake." "I can't believe" "I'm telling you all this." "I normally don't talk to guys about my social life." " Casey:" "You seem pretty comfortable." " Zack:" "You make me feel comfortable, Casey." " Casey:" "Hey, maybe sometime you and I could..." " Zack:" "Oh my God, that's him." "#" "How do I look?" " Casey:" "Huh?" " Zack:" "How do I look?" " Casey:" "Uh...gorgeous." "Are you sure..." " Zack:" "Wish me luck." "#" " Casey:" "Good fucking luck." " Zack:" "Hey, Ryan1989." " Ryan:" "Hey...you." " Zack:" "I was beginning to think you were imaginary like a smurf or something." " Ryan:" "Nope, I'm all real." " Zack:" "You can say that again." " Ryan:" "Mind if I don't?" "#" " Zack:" "We're both here, you wanna give this a shot and go out some night?" " Ryan:" "Uuh..." "#" " Tiffani:" "Ryan, look who's back." "Don't they have stripper poles in Tucson?" " Ryan:" "Tiffany, did you get a boob job?" " Tiffani:" "No, I'm still saving up." " Casey:" "What's going on?" " Zack:" "Casey, this is Ryan from the Internet." "You look so much better than your pictures, doesn't he?" " Tiffani:" "Now, how would Casey have seen Ryan's cute little disco boy picture." " Ryan:" "Yeah, you mean my picture with the headband and yellow gym shorts." " Zack:" "Yellow mesh gym shorts." "Rarrr." "And then there's that one where you're on the beach with some blond chick and your bulge." " Tiffani:" "Yeah, Ryan loves nailing blonds." " Ryan:" "Yeah, but I love nailing brunettes, too." " Tiffani:" "Brunette women," "Ryan's straight, we used to fuck." "I took that picture." " Zack:" "He wasn't straight last night." " Ryan:" "Yeah, after fucking Tiffani" "I just gave up on women." "It happens to you a lot, huh?" " Tiffani:" "Oh, you little cum monkey." " Ryan:" "So, let's give this a shot." "When do you want to hang out?" " Casey:" "Ugh, this sucks." "I just set up the hottest couple in the universe." "When their hot muscled bodies come together, they'll probably form like Voltron or something." " Tiffani:" "He's lying." "If Ryan's gay," "I'll eat my own twat." " Casey:" "What kind of straight guy goes on a date with another man?" " Tiffani:" "He was a stripper at a gay bar." "He would clean a toilet with his dick for a dollar." "He's just trying to get back at me." " Casey:" "Oh..." "Zack wanna talk to me about what they should do on their Barbie dream date because I make him feel comfortable." " Tiffani:" "No smiley." "This is serious." "My God, you're like his fag hag now." " Casey:" "I hate my life." "#" " Zack:" "Casey, great, you can do my back." "Oh my God, are you ok?" " Casey:" "Yeah, it's just a little ouchy, that's all." " Zack:" "Ouchy?" " Casey:" "Never mind, it's fine." " Zack:" "Good." "Squirt me." " Casey:" "Okay." " Zack:" "God, I'm as nervous as Isaiah Washington's hairdresser." " Casey:" "About the date?" " Zack:" "Yes, about the date." "He was so hot and cold at the café." "Isn't he cute?" " Casey:" "I'm not really into guys that...hot." " Zack:" "Really?" "Okay, your turn." " Casey:" "Oh, I'm not a taking off my shirt in public kind of guy." " Zack:" "Don't tell me you have body issues." "Take it off or I will." " Casey:" "Okay, okay." "You know, when we, mere mortals, are around gods like you, how can we not..." " Zack:" "Please, you've got a great body." "And, besides, some guys like 'em not all exercised." "Here." "So what should I do on my date?" " Casey:" "You mean besides sex?" " Zack:" "I don't want it to be about sex." "When we chatted online he had all these ideas for great things to do and I wanna come up with some great idea, too." " Casey:" "Ok, well what's your dream first date?" " Zack:" "Wow, I guess I never really thought about it." " Casey:" "You've never fantasized about the perfect first date?" " Zack:" "I was too busy going on real dates." " Casey:" "Asshole." " Zack:" "Well, clearly someone's thought about it." "Tell me yours, Romeo." " Casey:" "Okay." "We're in Italy, well, Rome." " Zack:" "Oh, my God, are you serious?" "I'm obsessed with Italy." " Casey:" "You are?" " Zack:" "Yeah, I've been wanting to go to Italy since I was like three." "I'm going after graduation if I can save enough cash." "I've got like $3,200 saved so far." " Casey:" "I can't wait to go." "Someday." " Zack:" "Well, I can't exactly take Ryan to Italy tonight." "So, do you got any dream dates that are a little more practical?" " Casey:" "Okay, well my dream date, it's intimate." "Like I make him dinner so it's personal." " Zack:" "Yeah, something at your place, just the two of you, no distractions." " Casey:" "Yeah, and maybe I'd have a fun theme for the meal." " Zack:" "Italian." " Casey:" "Perfetto." " Zack:" "Pasta, pinot grigio, some funky Italian music." " Casey:" "That's all I'd need because the best first dates are the ones where the conversation's just really easy." " Zack:" "And it flows cause you're both listening to each other like you're focused." " Casey:" "And there are those moments when you're looking into each other's eyes, wondering if maybe he's thinking the same thing." " Zack:" "That sometime tonight we're gonna..." " Casey:" "Kiss." "#" " Zack:" "Exactly." "Kiss." "Oh my God!" " Casey:" "What?" " Zack:" "You totally inspired me," "I have the perfect date." "Scoot." "He's not gonna know what hit him." "I can't thank you enough." "#" " Casey:" "Well, text me if you need help!" "Text me if you need help." "# [phone ringing]" " Ryan:" "If you're trying to stop me, it won't work." " Tiffani:" "If you think going on a fake gay date will make me jealous, you're dumber than a flock of Palins." " Ryan:" "I don't want that," "I just wanna piss you off." " Tiffani:" "You cheated too!" " Ryan:" "It's not about that, it's about you putting pubes in my protein powder the next day." " Tiffani:" "They weren't even mine." " Ryan:" "And poking holes in my contact lenses," "Putting crabs in my drawer." "And using my toothbrush to clean the..." " Tiffani:" "Ok, I'm a jealous woman." "But at least I feel something." "You're an emotionless stripper who uses his body as a bargaining chip." "And that's not gonna get you anything but a dirty dollar bill shoved up your ass." " Ryan:" "You're fat." "Have a good night." "I know I will." "# [doorbell ringing]" "#" " Zack:" "Ryan, right on time." " Ryan:" "Hey, look," "I gotta talk to you about this Internet thing." " Zack:" "I know, me too, come on in." "I saw on your profile that Roman Holiday is your favorite movie." "It's also mine." "So I've got a special little tour for you, come on." "As you know, when Audrey Hepburn sneaks out of the consulate," "Gregory Peck shows her the sights of Rome." "So here we have the Sistine Chapel, painted by Michelangelo." "Italian wine." "Next we have an exact replica of the Trevi Fountain." "[water running]" " Ryan:" "That's pretty cool." " Zack:" "And our last stop is the mouth of truth, you know, the most famous scene in the movie." " Ryan:" "Yeah." " Zack:" "So put your hand in its mouth and if you're lying to me it'll get bitten off." "And don't tell my landlord about the hole." " Zack:" "Rarrr!" " Ryan:" "You scared the shit out of me!" " Zack:" "Your hand's still here." "I knew you wouldn't lie to me." " Ryan:" "You're an amazing guy and I don't deserve you." "I gotta go." " Casey:" "Text me, text me, text me, text me." "[phone beeping]" "I love you, Zack!" "#" " Zack:" "It's nice to have a friend who will listen to my romantic problems." " Casey:" "I told you to text me if you needed help and you did." "And I'm here to help." " Zack:" "Can you help me find a boyfriend?" " Casey:" "Oh my God, is that the mouth of truth?" " Zack:" "Yeah, his profile said his favorite movie was Roman Holiday, so." " Casey:" "You did that for him?" " Zack:" "It's stupid." " Casey:" "It's the most romantic thing" "I've ever seen." "See, I'm telling the truth." " Zack:" "Yeah, I actually had this whole Roman Holiday tour." "There's the Colossum," "I ate half of it." " Casey:" "Zack, there's something" "I should tell you." "I haven't been honest with you." "I... [doorbell ringing]" " Zack:" "Great, who's that?" "Oh my God, Ryan?" " Ryan:" "Hey man, there's something" "I gotta tell you." "Oh, did you tell him?" " Zack:" "Tell me what?" " Casey:" "I was just about to." " Ryan:" "Of course you were." "That wasn't me you were talking to online." "Him and Tiffani made a fake profile and used my picture." " Zack:" "What?" " Ryan:" "I don't even have a profile." "I'm not even gay." " Casey:" "Zack, it's not what it sounds like." " Zack:" "Did you pretend to be him?" " Casey:" "Yes, but it was only because I didn't want to look like a stalker, which I know I totally like now." " Zack:" "My first genuine conversation in years was with a total fake." "And why?" "So you can fuck me?" " Casey:" "No, I mean yes," "I mean more than that." "The things I said were true." " Ryan:" "Dude, if you liked him, why didn't you just tell him." " Zack:" "And you let me take you on that whole fucking tour like some kind of idiot." "Get the fuck out!" "Both of you." " Casey:" "Zack, I'm sorry." "Is that..." " Zack:" "Get out!" " Casey:" "I was in the middle of telling him, you know." " Ryan:" "Sorry man, it was a crappy thing you guys did." " Casey:" "I just wanted to get his attention." " Ryan:" "You coulda got it without getting all stalker-azzi on him." " Casey:" "With guys like you walking around?" " Ryan:" "Even if I was gay, it wouldn't have worked out." "He was less into what I looked like and more into what you said." "Anyway, sorry." " Casey:" "No, it's my own damn fault." " Tiffani:" "This is Tandy, impress me." "And if you're one of my gay friends and just had a bad date," "I'm not calling you back for three days." "Because I'm not a fag hag!" "#" " Helen:" "Casey, right?" " Casey:" "Yeah." " Helen:" "I'm Harry." "That's my name, not that I am hairy." "Honey, what's wrong?" "You look like Liberace after they put the seat back on his piano stool." "Wrong generation." "Never mind." "You look like you could use some company tonight." " Casey:" "Oh, I'm not interested." " Helen:" "On, no, darling." "You're adorable but you're far too young for me." "Us in bed would be like teaching calculus to a preschooler." "No." "Sex with men who have the maturity of an experienced lover, there's nothing quite like it." " Casey:" "T.M.I." " Helen:" "Pardon?" " Casey:" "Nothing." " Helen:" "Let me guess." "Some strapping thing has broken your heart." " Casey:" "Is it that obvious?" " Helen:" "Either that or Miley Cyrus died." "See, I'm not that dated." " Casey:" "Yeah, it's a guy." "No, no, it's me." "I was a complete jerk." "And I knew it while it was happening but I did it anyway." "And now I'll never get to show Zack what a great boyfriend I can be." "Now I'll never even have a boyfriend." "And I'll wind up alone until I'm all old and..." "Sorry." " Helen:" "Oh dear heart, there's worse things than not having a boyfriend." "Like trudging bare foot uphill through five miles of snow just to find the nearest homosexual saloon." "It was a joke." "I'm not that old." " Casey:" "You're not?" " Helen:" "Well now, that was just not pretty." "All I'm saying is, as dark as it may seem," "I think your generation has it pretty easy when it comes to finding all the other fish in the sea." "I bet you're thinking right now that the obvious solution is something that I used to do when I was trying to get over someone." " Casey:" "What's that?" " Helen:" "Well I used to think that a good roll in the hay would be all I needed but I was wrong." "Sleeping with someone to get over someone else never works." " Lionel:" "Casey, right?" " Casey:" "Yeah." " Helen:" "Trust me on this, it never works." " Lionel:" "You want to go somewhere and talk?" " Helen:" "Never." " Casey:" "Sure." " Helen:" "Never learn." " Casey:" "That drink was strong, like drinking blood straight from Amy Winehouse's wrist." " Lionel:" "God, I'm glad I met you." "Last guy I dated, Zack, such a fucking loser." "He was a good kisser." " Casey:" "Kissing's overrated." "How good was he?" " Lionel:" "Incredible." "Always started off the same way." "Two pecks." "Then a deeper kiss." "Followed by a bite to the lower lip." "And repeat." "#" " Lionel:" "Get back in." "#" "We should fuck." "Is that your bed?" " Casey:" "I don't usually do that on the first..." " Lionel:" "Yeah, neither do I." "Right behind you." "#" "#" "#" "#" "#" "#" " Tiffani:" "Hi, how can I hurt you today?" " Ryan:" "We gotta talk." " Tiffani:" "We have nothing to talk about." " Ryan:" "Five minutes, that's all I ask." " Tiffani:" "You need to have an appointment." " Ryan:" "We gotta do something about Zack and Casey." " Tiffani:" "What do you mean," "I thought you were gay for Zack." " Ryan:" "Come on, you know I'm not gay." " Ryan:" "You know I was just trying to piss you off." " Tiffani:" "Well, it didn't work, clit monger." "Why would you want to help them." " Ryan:" "They seem like they actually belong together." "And I messed that up." " Tiffani:" "My God, you have feelings?" "I thought your fortes fortes was cheating and home wrecking." " Ryan:" "You cheated too." " Tiffani:" "He wasn't inside me yet." " Ryan:" "We both fucked up." "But this is our chance to do something right." " Tiffani:" "Aww." "Tyra moment." "How do we get them together?" "Zack clearly prefers to be with gorgeous people like me and you." " Ryan:" "It takes a lot more than a gym and some cucumbers to make someone gorgeous." " Tiffani:" "The point is Casey isn't even on Zack's menu." " Ryan:" "Exactly!" "We're ordering from the wrong menu." "We gotta go to another restaurant where Zack is and order the hot dog." "Because we really just want the bun." " Tiffani:" "Or we could trick them into a date." " Ryan:" "That's what I just said." "#" " Tiffani:" "Hey there sausage, why the long dick." " Zack:" "Oh, it's you." " Tiffani:" "Yes, it's me, the slut with the heart of shit." " Zack:" "No argument here." " Tiffani:" "I know." "I'm sorry," "I owe you a cocktail, or at least a hand job." " Zack:" "You've done enough, really." "Actually, there is something you can do." "Find me an auctioneer for the male sale." " Tiffani:" "I'll do it." "I used to run the auction at my stepfather's Jude Ranch." " Zack:" "Really?" " Tiffani:" "Yeah." "There's a lot people don't know about me." "Listen." "You need to know the truth about what went down with Casey." " Zack:" "Casey can suck my balls." " Tiffani:" "Well, that's what he's been trying to say all along." " Zack:" "You know what I mean." " Tiffani:" "I know." "Come on, let me buy you a drink later." "You shouldn't be alone during this delicate juncture." "Trust me, I've been there." "Where is your fag hag anyway?" "Oh, come on," "I'll sub for her." " Zack:" "You can't sub for a best friend." " Tiffani:" "You're gay and I'm a straight girl of big tits." "Evolution has genetically programmed us to be there for each other." "Like the clown fish and the sea anemone." "Now, what'd you say?" " Ryan:" "Casey!" " Casey:" "Oh, hey." " Ryan:" "You, me, drinks." "Tonight." " Casey:" "No." "What's up with you going out with gay guys." " Ryan:" "I want to make up for screwing up your game." " Casey:" "Yeah, I don't think a Blue Ribbon or whatever it is straight guys drink is gonna help." " Ryan:" "I'll put an umbrella in it." "Awesome." "I'll pick you up at 6:00." " Casey:" "Awesome." " Tiffani:" "It's me." " Ryan:" "We're set." " Tiffani:" "Great!" "Now be a good little stripper and do whatever it takes to get those boys all horned up and ready to blow." " Ryan:" "I think they care about more than sex." " Tiffani:" "Jesus, you sound like a woman that isn't me." "Of course they care about sex." "If they don't, that's what the alcohol's for." " Ryan:" "Well, you just show up when you're supposed to." " Tiffani:" "Honey, I'm a as reliable as birth control." " Ryan:" "That's not a 100%." " Tiffani:" "Take it or leave it." "#" " Zack:" "Tandy, what's up dragon lady?" " Tiffani:" "I got your non-call, leave a fucking V.M. next time." " Zack:" "You said you didn't want to hear about gay problems." " Tiffani:" "Good point, thanks for sparing me the Queer as Folk rerun." "Where are we going?" " Zack:" "To hang out with my new friend, remember that girl, Tiffani." " Tiffani:" "The sluttier version of Tara Reid?" "You're hanging out with her?" " Zack:" "She wanted to hear about my problems." " Tiffani:" "I smell a rat with fake tits." " Tiffani:" "To all the boys I fucked and never called back." " Zack:" "That must be like a hundred." " Tiffani:" "Like ten years ago maybe." " Z Here's to me catching up." " Tiffani:" "So, this whole Internet..." " Zack:" "Lie." " Tiffani:" "Performance was totally 100% my idea." "Casey had nothing to do with it." " Zack:" "But he's the one who chatted with me, right?" " Tiffani:" "Yes." "But I practically raped him into it." " Zack:" "So what he said, how much of that was him?" " Tiffani:" "Just the good stuff." " Zack:" "He's lucky to have you, except for the raping part." " Tiffani:" "To the raping part." " Zack:" "To the raping part." "#" "#" " Tiffani:" "Trust me, this is so much better than shaving." " Zack:" "That feels really weird." " Tiffani:" "Assholes are like snowflakes." "Speaking of pretty assholes, why were you dating that Lionel guy?" " Zack:" "What?" "You've never dated an asshole before?" " Tiffani:" "Honey, assholes are attracted to me like shit to assholes." " Zack:" "And why did you stay with them?" " Tiffani:" "Sex." " Zack:" "Exactly!" "I have the same problem," "I can't say no to cock." " Tiffani:" "Oh, you're fucking to the choir." "Dick, it just like blinds me, you know." " Zack:" "You ripped out my sphincter!" " Tiffani:" "My turn." " Ryan:" "You know," "Zack is totally into you." " Casey:" "No he's not." "I need to give up and go for someone uglier." "Not like Michael Stipe ugly, but at least" "Rufus Wainwright ugly." " Ryan:" "I don't watch that show." "But I've been watching gay guys for years." "See, they don't think the strippers can see back, but we totally can." "You guys' problem is you don't even talk to each other, you're always waiting for someone else to make the first move." " Casey:" "I gave him my number," "I volunteered for the male sale," "I took off my shirt for him." "I stalked him on the Internet." "I made all the moves." " Ryan:" "But when'd you tell him you liked him." " Tiffani:" "You know, you could cheat on me, steal all my money and kill my mother but if you're hot," "I'll make excuses for you until the day you leave me." "Or turn gay." "Or both." "Oh, damn, all out of liquor." "Let's get out of here." "You can have that one," "I got plenty at home." "#" " Ryan:" "That pizza ought to be here any minute." " Casey:" "Yum, pizza." " Ryan:" "What if your boyfriend Zack was the delivery boy?" " Casey:" "You are such a stripper." "And he's not my boyfriend." " Ryan:" "I gotta hit the head, get the door if the pizza comes." " Casey:" "Ok." "#" "#" "#" " Casey:" "You've been a very bad boy." "You have the right to remain sexy." "Anything you touch will be held against you in the court of my... [doorbell ringing]" "Hit me with that pepperoni!" " Zack:" "Casey?" " Tiffani:" "Gotta go, you two work it out, bye." " Zack:" "Damn it!" " Casey:" "Hey Zack." " Zack:" "Nice hat." " Tiffani:" "Are they fucking yet?" " Ryan:" "Not even close." "Is this gonna work?" " Tiffani:" "Trust me, it's science." "If you leave two dicks together, eventually one of them's going to need sucking." "Like prison." " Casey:" "I'm really sorry about what I did." " Zack:" "Who does stuff like that?" " Casey:" "People with no self-esteem?" " Zack:" "It's kinda mean." " Casey:" "I'm sorry, it got out of hand." "I just..." "I wanted to..." "I don't know." "I wanted to meet you." " Zack:" "You did meet me." " Casey:" "I know," "I'm just an idiot." " Zack:" "It's not a big deal, it's over." " Tiffani:" "Come on, this is the part where you fuck him." " Ryan:" "Man, he just looked at you." "Look back." " Tiffani:" "The dick sucking principle should take effect any second." " Ryan:" "Nah, I've seen guys do this at the club." "They'll sit there for hours and never say a word, no matter how much they like each other." " Tiffani:" "Go do something." " Ryan:" "There's nothing I can do." "Except..." " Tiffani:" "What?" " Ryan:" "Work my stripper magic." " Tiffani:" "Stripper magic?" " Ryan:" "When I see two guys doing this at the club," "I'll get between them and make them put their hands all over me." "Then, I'll get out of the way and they're so worked up that they're all over each other." " Tiffani:" "You're like a stripper" "Harriett Tubman." " Ryan:" "Exactly!" " Tiffani:" "Get to it Harriett, the dogs are coming." "#" " Zack:" "Thank God, can we leave now?" " Ryan:" "You boys sit right there, this party's just getting started." "#" "Let me show you some classic stripper moves." " Casey:" "What the fuck are you doing?" " Ryan:" "You guys are at full attention, and Sergeant Ryan's here to release it." "Now, both of you make a wish and pull." " Casey:" "You've got to be kidding me." " Zack:" "Well it is kind of an ugly shirt." " Casey:" "Totally generic." " Ryan:" "That's more like it." "Free." "Now, rip open rigid Ryan's jeans." " Casey:" "You're straight?" " Ryan:" "We're just three dudes having some fun." "Now pull." " Zack:" "Are you hard?" " Ryan:" "Maybe." "Are you?" "Gotta get out of these pants." "#" "There's never a sexy way to get the jeans off." " Casey:" "I don't know, that's pretty..." " Zack:" "Sexy." " Ryan:" "Your turn." " Casey:" "For what?" " Ryan:" "For your free lesson in exotic dancing, it's an actual skill you know." " Zack:" "I'm in." " Casey:" "I'll watch." " Ryan:" "No looky-loos, come on." "Undo your shirts." "With more confidence." "A slow reveal." "Good." "Now, when you get to the last button, take your shirt at the collar and slowly peel it off." "Good, that's hot." " Casey:" "Yeah." " Ryan:" "Now, pull your pants off like I did, and lead forward, like this." "#" "Come on, we're in underwear." "Zack, come here, take a side." " Casey:" "Well, that was certainly fun." " Ryan:" "Now give me a lap dance." " Zack:" "How's this?" " Ryan:" "You dance like a straight boy." "You need to move them like this." "You're all thrust and no grind." "Casey, come here." "Put your hands here." "Feel this." "That's hot." "#" "You know, you guys make a hot couple." "Guys, I think I'm gonna..." " Zack:" "You're not gonna go anywhere when you're that hard." "#" "#" " Ryan:" "Oh yeah." "That's so hot." " Tiffani:" "Oh my God, that is so fucking hot!" "[moaning] [panting]" " Ryan:" "Fuck yeah, work that pussy." "#" " Tandy:" "And what do we have here?" "Shew, get away." " Tiffani:" "I don't do the lesbian thing anymore." " Tandy:" "I knew this was gonna happen." " Tiffani:" "You did?" "Get over here." " Ryan:" "What the..." " Zack:" "Ready for the Zack special?" "#" "Help me." " Ryan:" "Holy crap." "Oh yeah, I've never had two months before, yeah, one of you do the balls." "Oh my God!" " Tandy:" "Why are you fucking with Zack?" " Tiffani:" "Technically" "I'm watching them fuck with Zack." " Tandy:" "I'm breaking up that blow fest right now." " Tiffani:" "Over my hot dead body." " Tandy:" "That's what" "I was planning." "Oh!" "Is that pussy juice?" " Tiffani:" "A thousand dollars worth." "Oh!" " Ryan:" "Guys, I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna..." "Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson!" " Tiffani:" "I've never heard that without anything in my pussy before." "[moaning] [panting]" " Casey:" "Wow." " Zack:" "Wow." " Ryan:" "Wow!" " Tandy:" "You fucking bitch." " Tiffani:" "Let me kick that pussy again." " Zack:" "Tandy?" " Casey:" "Tiffani?" " Tiffani:" "Sorry I'm late." "Woman things." "God, I miss that cock." " Zack:" "Are you ok?" " Tandy:" "Kill the bitch." " Zack:" "What the hell happened?" " Tandy:" "I was trying to protect you." " Zack:" "I appreciate it but it turns out that everything's just fine." "Better than fine." " Tandy:" "What?" "Are you life partners now?" " Zack:" "I think we're..." " Tiffani:" "Thanks to me and Ryan, and Ryan's friend." " Casey:" "Zack, I have the perfect first date for us." " Zack:" "Like your first date with him?" "You're just like everyone else." "Fuck you!" " Tandy:" "You're all assholes." " Tiffani:" "I miss how we fuck." " Ryan:" "Rigid Ryan misses you too." " Tiffani:" "Oh come on, let's go suck the gay out of your cock." "#" " Zack:" "I hate the Internet." " Tiffani:" "You can use it for things other than sex." " Zack:" "Like what?" " Tiffani:" "Well, maybe gay people can't." " Zack:" "Speaking of trolling for sex," "I can't believe" "Casey just slept with the first thing that looked at him." " Tiffani:" "Ugh, I hate him." "But in his defense, you did sort of reject him." " Zack:" "So?" " Tiffani:" "What did you do when Lionel rejected you?" "You trolled..." " Both:" "Online for sex." " Zack:" "I hate that you're always right." "It's like Jesus is my fag hag." "Wait, sorry," "I know you don't like being called..." " Tiffani:" "I'm dealing with it." "I'm your fag hag." "Not a fag hag." "Your fag hag." " Zack:" "Thank you sweetie." " Tiffani:" "But if I'm your fag hag, then you're my gay bitch." " Zack:" "Gay bitch loves his fag hag." " Tiffani:" "You better bitch," "I got a black eye for you." " Helen:" "Casey?" "Honey?" " Casey:" "I'm moving back home." "Can you drop me off at the bus station when I'm done packing?" " Helen:" "I thought you were making new friends?" "Don't you like it here?" "The cheap rent, the beautiful weather, the abundance of gay ass." " Casey:" "I turned everything into a big wet mess." " Helen:" "Oh honey, it can't be that bad." " Casey:" "It's horrible!" "It's like 9/11 but with sex." " Helen:" "Like a 69/11." " Casey:" "You're horrible." " Helen:" "Oh honey, come on." "I don't know what kind of orgie-astic corfafel you've gotten yourself wrapped up in." "But I do know that when you run from your problems, the location might change but your problems will be right there waiting for you." "Only there you won't have cheap rent and this beautiful weather." " Casey:" "What about the abundance of gay ass?" " Helen:" "Honey, you can find that anywhere." "Now come on, tell your auntie Helen all about your problem." "I promise you won't shock me." " Casey:" "Ok, I pretended to be Ryan to Zack online but then Ryan showed up and went out with Zack to get back at Tiffani." "Anyway," "I think Zack realized he liked me for who I am and not the way Ryan looked but he never told me." "So I fucked Lionel who was probably just trying to get back at Zack, and then Ryan got Zack and me to give him a blowjob in order to get us together." "And it actually worked." "Until Zack got a videoclip of me and Lionel doing it." " Helen:" "So, Zack never told you how he felt." " Casey:" "Yeah." " Helen:" "And you're just gonna leave town without giving him a chance to." " Tiffani:" "You're not leaving town you fuck tard." "We have a date and I'm not running that auction alone." " Helen:" "The slut's right." "Don't pussy out on the youth center just because someone hurt your dick's feelings." " Tiffani:" "Love her." "Besides, when you run from your problems, the location may change..." " Casey:" "I already got that speech." " Tiffani:" "Than what are we waiting for, cum boy, we're gonna be late." " Helen:" "Bah-bye." "#" " Tiffani:" "I smell an open bar." " Helen:" "Get me anything with a whiskey and nothing else." " Zack:" "Oh good, you came." " Tiffani:" "Oh my God, I did." " Casey:" "Zack, I..." " Zack:" "Here's the stuff you need to say." "Don't bomb." " Tiffani:" "What's a "ligabut?"" " Zack:" "That's LGBT." " Tiffani:" "What's that?" " Zack:" "Jesus Christ," "I have to get you to the green room." " Casey:" "Zack, wait," "I came to apologize." " Zack:" "Funny, originally you said you were coming to support the gay community." " Casey:" "You know the gay scene isn't really my thing." " Zack:" "You know for someone who talks down on the gay scene so much, you really go out of your way to represent the worst of it." "#" " Lionel:" "Blowjob for your thoughts?" " Zack:" "What do you want?" " Lionel:" "Come on, all I did was prove that the guy you thought was your friend is just a big phony." "You should be happy." " Zack:" "You thought that sending me your sex video would make me happy?" " Lionel:" "I had to do something to keep you apart." " Zack:" "Why?" " Lionel:" "You know why." " Zack:" "Say it." " Lionel:" "I was jealous, alright?" " Zack:" "I knew it." " Lionel:" "And it wasn't just that." "I could tell you were connecting with him." "I want you back." "Can you feel how badly I want you back?" " Zack:" "I don't care how hot you are," "I need more." " Lionel:" "You're so deep." " Zack:" "If it's deep to want someone who's gonna respect me and listen to me and inspire me to do things that I'd never thought I'd do." "Then yeah, I'm deep." "And you're too shallow for me." " Lionel:" "Good luck raising money for your charity without auctioning off my ass and my friend's asses." " Zack:" "You wouldn't, this is for the community." " Lionel:" "Fuck the community." " Zack:" "Lionel!" " Tiffani:" "Hello, hello queers and wannabes." "Welcome to the tenth annual male sale." "Tenth?" "I didn't think a gay could commit to anything for that long." "I'm Tiffani, your mattress of ceremonies." " Man:" "I love that drag queen." "[laughing]" " Casey:" "Zack, I'm sorry, I..." " Zack:" "Now's your chance to prove you're really here to support the community." " Casey:" "What?" " Zack:" "Lionel and his friends dropped out of the auction and I need you and the strip master here to get in your boxers and let me sell you." " Casey:" "Take off my shirt on stage?" "Zack, I'm sorry..." " Zack:" "This is more important than whoever you're sleeping with or lying to." "This money helps support the Matthew Shepard" "Youth Program, the Matthew Shepard reading room, the Matthew Shepard hotline and the Matthew Shepard homeless synchronized swim team." " Tiffani:" "Alright, finally let's get to the prostituting." "Auctioning." "Bring out the meat." "For our first stud we have Lionel!" "Casey!" " Helen:" "Woo, Casey!" "You go boy!" " Tiffani:" "Look at his rippling muscles and sexy..." "I'm sorry, this was for the guy we were supposed to have." "Look at his...personality." "Casey is an out of towner that enjoys cruising online for Zack, talking about Zack, and working at Nail Me Salon." "Located at 4255 Hawthorne Lane, call for an appointment." "Take off your shirt!" "Ok, now we're talking." "Have you ever seen such white flesh." "Ok, let's get the bidding started." "Who's gonna be first?" "50 dollars, we got a 50 dollar bid, who's gonna give me a 50 dollar bid?" " Man 1: 10 dollars!" " Tiffani:" "Bidding starts at 50, bitches." " Man 2: 11!" " Tiffani:" "Take off your pants." " Casey:" "What?" " Tiffani:" "We are desperate here." "And while you're stripping down to your beautiful" "Andrew Christian briefs, why don't you tell us what the Matthew Sh'PARD program at the center means to you." " Casey:" "I used to think the center didn't apply to me at all." "I thought it was just a bunch of old guys looking to get their rocks off." "But a friend forced me to volunteer here where I met one of these old guys face to face." "Boy, was I wrong." "He was a caring person, emptying his wallet and busting his ass to make sure that people like me don't have to go through the shit that people like him had to." "And he's just one of the dozens of people here trying to help thousands of kids like me." "I started this summer feeling at odds with the gay community but now" "I look out at your faces and I see a friend who will do anything to protect the people close to her." "An example for me to aspire to." "A bitch when you need one." "A family that won't let you fail even when you've already given up on yourself." "And a leader, who can change the way we see each other and teach us about the things that really matter." "And I couldn't be prouder to be a part of this." " Man 1: 100 dollars." " Man 2: 200 dollars." " Man 3: 500 dollars." " Tiffani:" "This is an unexpected surprise." "500 dollars, we have a 500 dollar bid, who's gonna give me 600?" " Zack: 3,200 dollars." " Tiffani:" "What?" " Zack: 3,200 dollars." " Tiffani:" "Not to be rude or anything but, bitch, do you have that kind of money?" " Casey:" "That's your Italy money." " Zack:" "I don't need to go to Italy for romance." " Tiffani:" "Sold!" "[clapping]" " Helen:" "Look at that sweet smile, you're precious." " Zack:" "Ryan1989, you are way hotter than your pic." " Casey:" "I'm so glad I stalked you." "#" " Tiffani:" "It's not as hot without your dick in the middle." "Subtitles by LeapinLar"