"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one what's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Looking forward to tonight in the pub?" "Yeah." "I don't want a big thing made of it." "We're having a baby, that's all." "Del uses any excuse for a celebration!" "Will he mind if I borrow his aftershave?" "Aftershave?" "!" "You've got Epping bloody Forest growing there!" " I just wanted to smell nice." " Then don't use Del's aftershave!" "Rodders, didn't hear you arrive." "Have a dry roasted." " Where's Cassandra?" " Raquel's showing her something." " She's got baby clothes for you." " She shouldn't have done." " It's Damien's old clothes." " What?" "!" " They'll suit your nipper a treat." " I'll get myself a beer." " D'you think it'll look like Rodney?" " Don't matter as long as it's healthy." "Raquel will be showing Cassandra some of them new clothes I bought her." " New clothes?" "Is it her birthday?" " No, it's not her birthday." "They're not "new" clothes." "They're as good as." "And it means I've done me bit for charity." "Rodders, see this?" "It's my book. "Modern Man"." ""Don't wait for a special occasion to give your loved one a present." ""Bring home a little surprise any day to keep your relationship exciting."" "I done that. "Your partner should never have to seek attention from you." ""A compliment is the easiest thing to give and the nicest thing to receive."" "It's easier to say something nice than to say something nasty." "Da-da!" "Well?" "Yes, very well, thanks, darling." " Good." " You look lovely, Raquel." " Thank you, Albert." " Very nice, Raquel." "Thank you." " Wait till you see this." " And you look lovely, Cassandra." " Thank you." " There you are, sweetheart." " How's my nephew?" " Get off!" "Well?" "What do you think?" "Oh." "It's a bit difficult, Raquel." "Rodney and I oppose the fur trade." "We both think it looked better on the animal." "Whatever that was!" "Del buys Raquel a coat and you two have a pop at her!" "Del bought it?" "Sorry, Raquel, I thought it was real." "No, no, no, no, no, dopey!" "No, that's stimulated fur, that is." " Sorry, didn't realise." " There you go." "Tell you what we'll do." "Damien's downstairs with the babysitter." "We'll have a few of glasses of champagne then down The Nags Head for some decent celebrations." " YOU are on the orange juice." " Yes, Doctor." "All part of the service!" " Del..." " Yes?" " I feel a bit embarrassed." " No need." "You've got a tie and suit." "I didn't mean that!" "I've only got 20 quid on me." " What have you done with your wages?" " This IS me wages!" "Yeah, we've had a bit of a hard week." "I know." "I was there!" "I'm worse off than you!" "I spent my money on Raquel's dress." "Still, tonight's festivities we can put on the slate." " Will Mike stand it?" " Course." "He's a diamond, that boy." "I hope so." "And when will you say something nice to Raquel?" " She's done up and you said nothing." " I was reading me book!" "OK, don't worry." "I'll think of something nice to say." "Come on, then, girls." "Ladies and gentlemen." "Time to celebrate." "Albert, this is yours." " I don't believe it!" " What?" "This girl, I worked with her when I was in showbiz." "She was a kid then." "She's about to appear in a new Bond film." "Pierce Brosnan!" " You don't need him." "You've got me!" " Yes, haven't I just!" "Raquel, if she could be in a Bond film, so could you." " Shut up!" " You could." " Don't be silly." " I'm serious." "Look at her!" "She's a dog." "GT for Raquel, Tequila slammer for Rodney, orange for Cassandra." "That Dr Singh was in earlier to talk to you about some paint you sold him." " Was he?" " Seemed very anxious to see you." " Have you got problems?" " Just a minor misunderstanding." "If he calls in again, tell him I've gone to live in New Zealand." "I think I can remember that." "Have they thought of a name for the baby?" "No, not yet." "It's early days." "She's only a little bit pregnant!" " She's got a long way to go." " Still, Rodney got the hang of it!" "Yes, he's a Trotter all right!" "We don't stop till the job's finished." "Right, what have we got here?" "A Harvey Wallbanger for me, a cognac for Boycie, vodka for Marlene," "Cuba Libra for Denzil, rum and blackcurrant for Bobby Crush there, whiskies for the market lads, pint of diesel for Trigger." " Mickey, what do you boys want?" " Canadian Clubs all round." "Canadian Clubs there and have one yourself." "Cheers, Del." "Call it 25 quid for cash." "OK, put it on the slate." "No slate." "I've had a visit from the brewery." "Oh..." "All right." "OK, there's a fiver." "And, er..." "Oh!" "Would you Adam-and-Eve it?" "I've left me wallet at home." "Damien was playing with it." "I'm teaching him financial management." "How to avoid expensive pubs!" " I'll sell 'em to someone else." " They're second-hand!" " I'll sell them cheap." " A fiver for 'em." "It's not my fault, it's the brewery." "They've got this revolutionary rule." "From now on, customers pay for drinks!" "I hate all these new-fangled ideas!" "Hang about." "Don't go away." "I have these radically new designed hair dryers." "Normally they retail at P69.99 in Regent Street." "But for you, 15 nicker." "Del, look at my hair." "What do I want with one of them?" "I stick me head out the window and it's bone dry!" "This is different." "That has got what they call a volumiser on it." "It gives your hair body and all that." "Oh." "So I could end up looking like Lily Savage!" "Very tempting, Del (!" ")" "Go on." "I'm giving it to you, Michael, aren't I?" "15 nicker." "You got to admit." "Give us it here." "But you still owe me a tenner." "Yeah." "You're a bit of a gambling man, aren't you?" "Tell you what." "I'll have a little bet." "Double or quits." "If I win, I give you this fiver for this round of drinks." "But if you win, I owe you a tenner." " You already owe me a tenner." " You got nothing to lose, then!" "Trig, just a minute." "You'll like this." "Watch." "Little bet here." "OK, Michael." "If you put your hands out, I bet I can make you turn 'em over without touching you." " Turn 'em over without touching me?" " It's the power of positive thought." "Right, put your hands out in front of you." "No, the other way." "There you go." "Thank you." "OK, here we go." "Help yourselves." "I've been in the motor trade for many years." "Until recently, I never thought of the damage fumes did to our world." "Let me explain..." " Same again, please!" " Allow me to continue." "This is my theory." "The future holds the key to all our success." "Don't tell Raquel's dad." "He's an antiques dealer!" "Recently I have invested a lot of money in electric cars." "He bought Tyler a Scalextric set." "I'm not talking about model bloody racing cars, for Gawd's sake!" "Oi, Rodney." "It's your round." "If it's the same round, it's 25 quid." " 25 quid?" "!" "Mike..." " NO!" "All right, Dave?" "Hello, Trig." "I can make you turn your hands over without touching you." " Eh?" " I can make you turn your hands over." "Go on, hold 'em out." "No, the other way." "See?" "There you go, Dave!" "Congratulations, Albert." "It reminded me of the theme track from "Noddy"." "Boycie's right." "You two should be thinking about your children's future." " Send them to private school." " Leave it out." "We can't afford to send our kids private." "Boycie's round, Mike." "Tyler's been private since he was three." "He's seven now and he can almost write his name!" "Can he really?" "Perhaps we should save up and send Damien private." "There's nothing wrong with state education." "Damien's not going to our old school, Dockside Secondary Modern." "That was a tough old place!" "We had no chance of a good education because of the class sizes." "50, 60 to a class!" "You're exaggerating!" "They weren't that big!" "The teacher didn't finish the register until dinner time!" "The school's calibre was reflected in the head boy." " Who was it?" " Trigger!" " Did you call, Del?" " There you are." "We was talking about our old school." "Let's ask Trig." "Stay quiet." "No prompting!" "Were there big classes at your school?" " Not very big." " Ah." "See?" "High ceilings, though!" "And a few low ones!" "Remember your accident?" " Oh, yeah." " Trig walked down a corridor straight into a "Mind Your Head" sign." "His family sued the education authority for brain damage." "The judge awarded him P7.50." "How did you walk into the sign?" "Didn't you see it?" "Course I saw it." "But in those days I couldn't read!" " Anyone gonna collect the drinks?" " I will." "Boycie, cough up." "And I want change." " Rodney." "Congratulations!" " Thanks, Mickey." "I was down Sid's caff and Dr Singh was looking for Del." " Was he?" " He seemed angry." "What's it about?" "Something to do with some paint and his surgery." "It's not my problem." "I just work for Del." "Yeah." "You're just an employee." "You follow orders." "You pick things up, put things down, pick 'em up again." " But I do think for myself." " It's hardly a job requirement." "I started a new job last month." "Good money, company car, the lot." "It's not a fly-by-night firm." "They're suing "Panorama"." "Are you a double-glazing salesman?" "No, I am not." "Though it is to do with glass." " Windows?" " Not windows." "Solar windows." "It's a whole new concept in user-friendly heating." " You're a salesman!" " No, I'm more like a scientist." " It's double glazing!" " No, no, no." "It does involve two panes of glass, but it's not double glazing." "This company is very profile conscious and customer driven." "I'm Executive of Area Perspective and Overview." "And I'm recruiting new staff." "I hold interviews on Mondays at Burger King." " Double glazing salesman, ain't ya?" " Yeah." "It's gotta be better than working for Del." "You're a 34-year-old paper boy!" "I might not be working for him much longer." "I got my eye out..." "Raquel!" " I'll help with the drinks." " Yeah, that's yours." "There's a few up-and-coming firms after me." "I bet you're being headhunted by lan Beale!" "You'd better do something quick." "You've got a kid on the way." "Please raise your glasses to our future mum and dad," "Cassandra and Rodney!" " Cassandra and Rodney!" " (TRIG) Dave!" "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "Good night, Champ." "Dream us some luck." "It's all right." "He's soundo." "Da-da!" "Oh, my God!" " Well, what do you think?" " They're very nice, Del." "They're very... nice!" "Yes, I got 'em off Monkey Harris." " P7.50. Can't be bad, can it?" " Lovely (!" ")" "There we go." "Ooh, lovely jubbly." "Ooh!" "It says here a bloke's supposed to make contact with his feminine side." "Did you know that geezers had feminine sides?" "Don't worry, it doesn't apply to you." "Good." "I thought I might have to wear a blouse or something." " Del, can we talk for a minute?" " Eh?" "I heard Rodney and Mickey talking." "He's started a new job." "Never!" "He's been on the dole so long he's invited to the staff dance!" " Del, will you do something for me?" " Let me finish this page." "No!" " Give Rodney a proper job." " He's got one!" " No, he works for you." " A proper job!" " OK, what does he do?" " Rodney?" "He..." "Well..." "He..." "He lifts things, keeps his eye open, drives the van." "Describe his job." "Give it a name." "All right." "It's..." "He's..." "Uh..." "He's a Rodney!" "Give him a title he can be proud of." "In seven months, he'll be a father." "Listen, Raquel." "You do not know Rodney like what I do." "I mean, he's not really very astute." "If he was left in charge, we wouldn't be where we are today." " No?" " No." "He's got no business sense." "If he had a flower shop, he'd close on St Valentine's Day!" "Make him feel important." "Do something to help him!" "Actually, I am doing that very same thing, trying to find some help for Rodney." "With Cassandra being in the situation she is, he might have to dash off at any time, so I'm looking for some part-time help to take the weight off Rodney." " That's nice of you!" " I am that sort of bloke, aren't I?" "You, er..." "You know this thing with Cassandra?" " You mean her pregnancy?" " Hmm." "Not making you broody, is it?" "No!" " I never want to be pregnant again." " It hurt, did it?" " Stung a bit." " I could tell." " What gave it away, the screaming?" " It was a clue." " He was worth it in the end." " Course he was." "There's the financial side as well." "We can't afford to feed another mouth." " And then there's the age thing." " No, you're not getting any younger." "One day they might make a musical about the history of the Trotters." "As a sequel, they could do "Schindler's List" on ice." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you feeling under-motivated tonight?" "People on Death Row have more motivation than me." "I gotta get another job, Cass." "I get so frustrated working for Del." "I wish he'd present me with a challenge now and then, like giving someone their change!" "Tomorrow we're trying to flog a load of Mickey Mouse hair dryers, and aerodynamic cycling hats - horse riding helmets sprayed red - and we've got an angry Sikh after our blood!" "It's not what I call job satisfaction." "Only you can change Del's attitude." "Hoping for the best isn't good enough." "At the bank, we advise small businesses to target specifics" " to gain maximum market penetration." " We're talking about Derek Trotter." "To Del, "market penetration" means sex under a barrow!" "At least try to influence him." "You're involved in decision-making now." "Oh, yeah (!" ") Sometimes he lets me toss the coin!" ""Decision-making"!" " He's bought himself a book." " Del has?" "And it's all words, no pictures!" "It's called "Modern Man"." "The author says modern men are decisive, positive decision-makers." "So Del's making lots of decisions." "It's thanks to Del's decisive decision-making that we've got the Mickey Mouse hair dryers and horse riders' cycling hats." "Talk to him." "I know he jumps the gun, but he does listen to you." "Yeah, I suppose you're right." "I told him this morning that he's got to stop making on-the-spot decisions." "I said, "Think things through, look at the angles, weigh the pros and cons." "And I think it hit home." "I'm sure he took my words on board." "I'm gonna have a vasectomy." " Did I say something?" " What's brought this on?" "It says here that modern men take responsibility for family planning." "Millions of men have had the snip." "They can do it while you wait!" "Del, think about it for a while." "There's no need." "We can't afford another chavvy." "I am a modern man making a positive decision." "Consider the future." "I'm not a prophet of doom, but say in ten years' time we broke up." "And then you met someone else and wanted to raise another family." "Come on, don't be silly, sweetheart." "In ten years I won't be able to raise a smile, let alone anything else!" "I remember when we set off on the road to our horizon." "It was bloody years ago." "We had a Labour government, you could eat beef," "Des O'Connor was white." " Just look at us now, eh?" " How can I put this?" "Shut up!" "(SOUND EFFECTS FROM "THE OMEN")" "Morning, Damien." "I can make you turn your hands over without touching you." "Hold your hands out." "Turn them over." "See?" "Mummy, I made Uncle Rodney turn his hands over!" "I agree, things are a bit bleak at the moment." "That's like saying the Antarctic's a bit nippy!" "Our fortune's round the corner." "We're here where the opportunities happen, at the forefront of the enterprise culture." "So enterprising you bought a load of horse-riding crash helmets!" "Didn't you stop to think that Peckham is not big show-jumping country?" "Don't worry, we'll sell 'em." "I don't know about you lately." "You seem to have stopped believing." " Know what Mum said on her deathbed?" " Oh, no!" "She said to me, "Del Boy, never stop believing." ""If you stop believing, you've nothing left to hope for."" ""You've got to have a dream." ""If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?"" "That is exactly what she said!" "Mum never stopped believing even after you was born." "But at the end of the day..." "What does that mean, "even after I was born"?" "!" " It wasn't your fault." " What wasn't my fault?" " You being a problem child." " Problem child?" "I weren't a problem child." "I was a good boy!" "I know, but you did have a problem." "You kept getting taller." "What did you want me to do?" "Stay at two-foot-four all my life?" "All the other kids could wear their trousers for a year and a half, but yours, after a couple of months, looked like hot pants." "In pictures, I was wearing short trousers anyway." "No, no." "They weren't short trousers." "They looked like short trousers, but if you look at the bottoms of the legs you'll see they're frayed." "That's where a couple of months before they was rubbing on your shoes!" "I'm going to make a phone call." "Just remember, Rodney, never stop believing." " Oh, this is difficult." " What's wrong?" "I've got some good news and some bad news for Del." " I'm applying for another job." " What's the bad news?" "That IS the bad news." "The good news is I'm gonna stay with Del till he can replace me." "That should take about half an hour!" "You won't say that when I'm a managing director of something!" "You got something lined up, then?" "There's this job advertised in the paper." ""Local company seeks ambitious, energetic and creative person" ""to join its successful sales force."" " Well, who are they describing?" " No." "Go on." " It's me!" " Is it?" "Yes!" ""Experience with computers an advantage but not essential." ""Successful applicant gets training, good salary and company vehicle."" " I'm experienced with computers." " But you never got one to work yet!" "(Piss off!" ")" "I can call in today to sign the papers." "Yeah." "Right." "OK, then, you'll call back." "OK." "Bonjour!" " The new digital phone is good." " Was that the clinic?" "Yes." "I get doctored on Tuesday." "They'll call back to confirm." " You're serious about it?" " Never more so." "Del, volunteering for the vasectomy is very brave and I'm flattered by it," " but you don't have to do it." " It's for the best." "OK." "But don't come back to me saying "It's your fault" if you get... sore." "As if I would!" "(PHONE RINGS)" " That's them." "Answer it and be posh." " What?" "!" "Don't let them think we're ippity-oys." "Yes, sir!" "Hello, may I help you?" "I'm phoning about the job in the "Peckham Echo"." "Hold the line, caller!" " Have you put an ad in the "Echo"?" " Yes, help for Rodney." "Who's that?" "Rodney." "Why's he phoning me?" "He's in the bloody living room!" "No, he's applying for the job." "You mean he's applying to assist himself?" "Wait." "I've gotta think about this." "Press "hold"." "It plays a tune." "I'll connect you to our marketing department." "Thank you." "(PHONE PLAYS "OLD SHEP")" "Treacherous little git!" " I'm gonna wind him right up." " Don't, he'll feel embarrassed!" "With any luck!" "(WELSH ACCENT) Hello, this is the marketing manager." "Sorry I kept you." "My name is Ivor Hardy." "Hello, Mr Hardy." " And you are?" " My name is Rodney Trotter." "Oh." "You're not one of the Trotter brothers, are you?" "Um, no, I haven't got a brother." "That's all right, then." "I've heard some rumours about them." "Right couple of scallywags, so I'm told." "The elder one's OK." "He's intelligent." "A brilliant businessman, I've heard." "No, it's the other one." "It's his dippy younger brother that's the problem." "Well, like I say, I haven't got a brother." "Now, you mentioned a good salary and company vehicle." "Can you tell me a bit more about that?" "Mm-hmm." "Yes, I can ride a bike." " All right, Rodders?" " One moment, please." "Yeah!" "Just on the phone to Cassandra." " All right, is she?" " T'riffic." " Give her my love." " Yeah, will do." " And give her yours." " Eh?" "Give her your love." "In my book, it says a man must give the lady in his life his love every so often, especially if she's pregnant." "Go on, tell her you love her." "Nah!" "I feel embarrassed!" "Don't feel embarrassed." "I'm the only one here and I suggested you do it." "Go on." "Tell her." "Later." "No, you tell her now, Rodney." "I love you." "What did you say?" "No, nothing." "I just coughed." "I thought you said you loved me!" "No, I just coughed, honest." "A-hem." "So what exactly do you sell, and what would the duties be, please?" "Well, we sell anything we can lay our hands on, isn't it?" "Your duties would be to take all this crap down to the market then you sell it from a suitcase." "I think you're just the man we've been looking for, Mr Trotter." "(OWN VOICE) We're always on the lookout for dirty little plonkers!" "Did you put this ad in the paper, Del?" "Yes, I did, Rodney." "Goodbye!" "I don't believe this!" "The one job I really fancied and it's mine!" "What's going on?" "You was gonna find someone else and then get rid of me?" "You were trying to get rid of me!" "What was that, "I haven't got a brother"?" "If you must know, I was trying to get you some help, that's all." "With Cassandra being in the situation she is," "I thought you might have to dash off." "I thought it might take some weight off you." "I didn't realise." "Thanks, Del." "I'm sorry." "Anyway, what is all this about you wanting to get another job?" "It hit home the other day." "When the baby's born, we fill in a birth certificate." "One section is "Father's occupation"." "What am I gonna put? "A gofer"?" "No." "You are gonna put "Sales Director"." "Know what I'm gonna do with the business?" "I'm gonna expand." "You're in charge of selling." "I'm in charge of purchasing." "OK?" "So you'll be in the marketplace and you'll be selling." "I'll be in the factories and warehouses." "I'll be buying." "If a line is going particularly well, you phone and say, "Del, buy, buy, buy!"" "And you could get on the blower to me and go, "Sell!" "Sell!" "Sell!"" "(HE MUTTERS)" "Good idea, that!" " We should have done this ages ago." " Exactly." " It's called expansion." " We'll streamline the business." " We will expand by streamlining." " Yeah." "Let's go down to Sid's caff." "Whenever we reach historic moments like this," "I feel like a fry-up." "Rodders!" "Get down!" " Why?" " It's that Dr Singh!" "It's OK." "He's gone now." "That was a close shave." " He'll catch us eventually." " We'll sort that when it happens." " 'Ere, Rodney, I've been thinking." " What about?" "I'm gonna have a vasectomy." " Has it gone down the wrong way?" " Yeah." " A vasectomy?" "!" " Keep your voice down, will ya?" " What does Raquel feel about it?" " No, I'M having it done!" "I know that!" "Bloody hell!" "I meant have you discussed it with Raquel?" "Of course!" "I said, "Sweetheart, I'm having a vasectomy."" " An in-depth discussion, then?" " Can't make these decisions lightly." "I mean, I've thought about it and we can't afford another kid." "We haven't got room in the flat." "We agreed, why do we want another kid?" "Damien's like two kids rolled into one, isn't he?" "Me and Raquel only look at each other and she's three months gone." "I think I've got to have a lot of them, uh..." "Loads of them, um..." "You know, tadpoles." "Tadpoles?" "You see 'em on the telly under the microscope." "Oh..." "I've got loads as well." "The doctor said." "Yeah, but the doctor reckons I got more tadpoles than the Serpentine." "Is it being done at the hospital?" "I'm not gonna let Trigger do it with his Black  Decker, am I?" "Are you going to the hospital or the clinic?" "Right." "I'll probably go to the clinic." "Rodney, I want your advice." "You know a lot of rich and successful people, when they have this done they leave a lot of their tadpoles in this bank." "The thing is, do you think that I ought to do that?" "You could do." "I don't know what NatWest would think!" "No, not NatWest!" "It's a special bank where they freeze it all!" "Oh, the..." "The thing is, when I'm rich and famous, they'll be able to use it and there'll be lots of Damiens running about." " No!" " Hmm?" "I mean, um, you could upset Raquel." "Psychologically, she might think you were being unfaithful to her." "You know how a woman's mind works." "Oh!" "I never thought of that, Rodders." "You're right." "Good thinking." "Well, come on!" "Onwards and upwards!" "'Ere, don't you say nothing to nobody about this." "Of course not!" "Thanks, Sid." "That was horrible, as usual." "Cheers, Del." " Sid!" "Del's having a vasectomy!" " A vasectomy?" "!" "Del Boy's having a vasectomy!" " The doctor will be with you soon." " Thank you, Nurse." "Mr Trotter." "Dr Singh!" "About that paint I sold you for your surgery..." "Don't worry about that." "I have work to do." "Not nervous, are you?" "Just a tad, you know." "This is my first time." "Mine, too!" "(TEARING)" "My, my, my!" "You are a big man, Mr Trotter." "Thank you, Doctor." "You should go on a diet." "I say that to relax the patient." "I'll remember that one next time I have some bloke's vitals in me hands!" "I'll give you a small injection to numb the area." "Right." "Thank you." "This might sting a bit." " What's wrong?" " Ahh!" "Oh..." "It's all right, sweetheart." "I just... got a touch of cramp." "Tell me, Raquel, seriously, what do you think about this vasectomy idea?" " I don't mind." " OK, you win." "I won't have it done." "What put you off the vasectomy?" "Didn't have the balls?" "No, it wasn't that." "Look, I wasn't frightened." "It was..." "It was a medical reason." " I kept thinking about them tadpoles." " What about 'em?" " Where do they go?" " What do you mean?" "When you have the operation, it stops 'em from going from taking their normal route, so where do they go?" "Are you worried about them hanging around on street corners?" "All I'm saying is they gotta go somewhere." "I thought I'd be frightened to sneeze." "What?" "What?" " Ah!" " Ah!" " Caught you at last, Mr Trotter." " Dr Singh." "How nice to see you again." "Have you seen my surgery recently?" "That paint you sold me is peeling off in chunks." "It's a medical practice and it looks as if my walls have got scabies!" " My patients are leaving me." " Thing is, Dr Singh, we didn't realise until later that the paint was very slightly out of date." " Did we, Rodney?" " No." "We spotted a tin and noticed it should have been used by June 1983." " I want something done about it." " Of course, Dr Singh." "I'll send someone from my decorating department to see you tomorrow." "If you don't, Mr Trotter, I'll be back!" "Yes." "Thank you, Dr Singh." "I'm missing you already!" ""I'll be back"!" "He always says that." "Do you know what his nickname is?" ""The Turbanator"." " Get it?" "Turban-ator!" " I don't believe you sometimes." "Dr Singh is an honest, law-abiding man." "You knew that paint was iffy." "I'm supposed to be a paint expert now, am I?" "And he's not a law-abiding citizen." "He's not wearing a crash helmet!" "He's a Sikh!" "Under the law, Sikhs are excused crash hats." "How would he fit a helmet over that turban?" "I never thought of that." "That must be why you never see a Sikh astronaut." "More than likely, Del." "(RODNEY) I am not wearing it, OK?" "Now, it's my going home time." "(DEL) Opportunities present themselves even though the sprouts are on!" "It's bloody stupid!" "I'm not doing it!" "There are millions of Sikhs riding motorcycles completely unprotected!" "This is going to solve their problem." "May I introduce my new company, TCT." " TCT?" " Trotters' Crash Turbans." "It's our chance to do something for our fellow man." "And a chance for you to get rid of those horse riding crash helmets!" "This is just a prototype." "Prototype?" "!" "It's a show-jumping helmet with Raquel's old scarf glued on top!" "That's because Raquel is 100% behind this project." "She said, "Del, have anything, because I want to do my bit for mankind."" "Look!" "Look!" "I mean..." "look!" "You look rather dashing." "I look like a human cannon ball who's hit a washing line!" "God, I hate vanity." "Take my word, Rodney, once you take this to Wembley and Southall and show the Sikhs this..." " Show it to them?" "!" " Yes, of course!" "We'll sell them by the thousands and export to Australia and America." " You expect me to sell this?" " Well, you are my Director of Sales!" " They'll smash my head in!" " No, they're a peace-loving people." "Even if they do, you'll be wearing a Trotter Crash Turban." "You can prove how effective it is." "You know it makes sense." "I am not stepping outside dressed like this!" " All right, Rodney?" " All right, Raquel." " During the war..." " Will you shut up!" "Rodney and I are in an important board meeting." "We don't wanna hear about U-boats and giant squid!" "During the war, I spent time in India and got to know the Sikh religion." "To a Sikh, a turban has mystical powers which enter the body." "So it has to be in contact with the head." "Ah!" "It ain't in contact with the head." "A bloody horse riding helmet's there!" "I haven't finalised the design yet." "We'll get a piece and stuff it up here so it is in contact with the head." "It won't catch on." "What would you wear with it?" " Is that my scarf?" " I'll buy you another one." "Please understand, this is not a fashion statement!" " I guessed that!" " It's a safety device." "People would rather be critically injured than wear this." " (PHONE RINGS)" " Answer that." "In three months, you'll see this on "Tomorrow's World"." " More like "Wayne's World"!" " I'm not going on TV wearing this!" " It's Cassandra's bank." " Probably another late meeting." "Raquel, listen to me." "They laughed when they invented the air bag." " No, they were a good invention." " Tell me one they did laugh at." "That!" "Yeah, I'm on my way." "Thank you." "What's up, Rodders?" "They've rushed Cassandra to hospital." "She's had a miscarriage." "All right, Rodders." "Calm down." "I'm with you." "Stay here." "Which ward is Mrs Trotter in, please?" " Mr Trotter?" " Yes, I am." " This way, please." " OK." "OK, Rodney, come on!" "This way." "Oi!" "Are you having a laugh with me or something?" "I've been here 20 minutes." "The only person in this poxy hospital who's spoken to me is this old cow!" "I'm sorry, sir, but we're very busy." " This way, please." " Keep up, Rodney." "Put these on." "Just a precaution." "That's it." "Mrs Trotter is in a single room." "Number 46, on the right." "She's still very upset and we don't want her being excited in any way." "Thank you." "Thanks." "On the right." " Can I put one on?" " Who are you?" " Her husband." " Who the hell's that?" "He's my brother." "Del what the bloody hell can I say to her?" "Don't worry, Rodney." "Don't worry, it'll just come to you." "Listen to me, Rodney." "At this pacific moment in time, Cassandra don't need doom and gloom." "She needs you to be optimistic." " I feel optimistic, don't I (!" ")" " I don't care how you feel!" " You don't care how I feel?" " No." "You can cry in the van on the way home." "Right now, you've got to be a rock for Cassandra." "Go and talk to her about the future." "Not the past or present, the future." "You see, you two..." "You two, you got some really good times to come." "Strange, but I find that hard to believe." "Well, you've gotta believe it because it's true." "Right now, Cassandra needs your strength." "Now, you go in there." "I don't want no sobbing, no booing." "You just give her comfort and understanding." "All right?" "All right." "Good boy." "You know it makes sense." "I'm sorry, Rodney." "What are you saying sorry for?" "Don't be silly!" "I let you down." "I let everyone down." "Of course you haven't!" "It happens, Cass." "It just..." "It just happens." "There was nothing you or I could have done." "Mustn't blame yourself, sweetheart." "You haven't let anybody down." "Has she, Rodney?" "Go on, tell her!" "Tell her!" "Tell her about this time next year." "Yeah, I will." "(DEL SOBS)" "I think this might be a good time for us to be on our own." "Discuss a few things." "Yes, I think you're right, bruv." "Cassandra, me and Rodney are going outside for a little chat." "All right?" "I mean me and Cassandra being on our own." "Oh, all right." "Yes, of course." "I'll see you later, Cassandra." "I'll see you... (SOBS)" "I lost our baby." "Can't leave you alone with anything!" "We're gonna get over this, Cass, and we are going to win." "Do you know why?" "Because we're strong." "We are very, very strong." "Things are gonna get better and better for us." " I love you, Rodney!" " I love you, Cass." "I love you so much!" "It burnt me on the forehead." "The bloke who sold it said it was a hair dryer." "But it's an electric paint stripper." "Please come with me, Mr Fisher." "Oi!" "Why is he getting seen before me?" "Why do people pay National Health stamps?" "If I'd had a job, I wouldn't have paid for 'em." "Please keep your voice down." "NO!" "It's a free country and I can shout as much as I bloody like!" "You look after these malingerers when I should be top of the list." "Now, I took some pills earlier on today." "I dunno what they were 'cause I was drunk." "Now they're starting to upset me a bit." "Nurses always whinge about low wages." "You don't deserve anything better." "D'you hear?" "You're sodding useless!" " Excuse me." " What?" "Feeling better, sir?" "Yes." "Thank you, Doctor." "All part of the service." "Bonjour." "Bet you wish you'd gone private now, don't ya?" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street!"