""The head of the family is the one with the tail."" "God, I want to see this." "Finding everything okay, Louis?" "Oh, uh, yep." "Thanks, Corey." "Just browsing." "In the Critter Capers section?" "Oh." "I thought it said "Criterion Capers."" "Like silent French police dramas." "Inspector." "Oh, here's the movie I was looking for." ""La Choffey."" ""La Chouffe."" "Gnome's folly." "It's a great choice." "See, this is why you're one of our favorite customers, Louis." "Y-You get film." "Most of the other people who come in here, they just want the latest Mel Gibson movie or something with cars fighting." "But not you." "You're one of us." "I really am." "Oh, okay, you have a $2 late fee on "Das Boot."" "But, uh, since you're a fellow cinephile," "I'm just gonna go ahead and das boot that right off your account." "I understand that reference." "Uh, and your other rentals are due back Tuesday." "Other rentals?" "Somebody from your family came in last week and rented a bunch of movies." "What?" "Who?" "Our store policy says we can't reveal our customers' identities or any specifics on the account, but I can tell you they have terrible taste." "If it were up to me, they'd be due back never." "But it's not." "So, it's Tuesday." "S02E22 Gotta Be Me" "Eddie, up now!" "School!" "Who's Eddie?" "I'm Dorf." ""Leonard, keep your eye on the ball."" "I don't know who that is, but I don't have time for jokes." "Stop playing invalids and get dressed." "Okay, who was it?" "Who used my card to rent movies?" "Just tell me who it was." "I won't be mad." "Come on." "I know one of you took my card, went to the video store, embarrassed me in front of Corey." "Louis, nobody knows what you're talking about." "Let the boys focus on their breakfast." "Staring contest." "I didn't know." "It's too early to compete." "Too late." "I'm staring at you!" "Eddie, stop distracting Evan." "He has a spelling test." "He needs to eat." "You can still eat, right, Evan?" "I never wanted this." "I'll wait outside." "Game over." "Now move." "We tied!" "Okay, come on." "We got to go." "Let's go." "Come on, please." "Mom." "I need you to sign this." "I'm not gonna sign another doctor's note granting you permission to eat two lunches." "It's my permission slip for my history-class field trip." "Field trips are just paid vacations for teachers." "I don't pay taxes so they can walk around a museum telling our children that a painting of a soup can is beautiful." "What?" "!" "But..." "When your class goes on the field trip, you can just do CLC in the library." "End of discussion." "Okay." "You never let me do anything." "Louis, I'm going with Honey to the mall to run some errands." "Maybe I'll eat a pretzel or a doughnut." "Okay!" "Just finishing my coffee, and then I'm off to work like normal." "Just as soon as I find those tapes." "What the hell?" "So many nipples." "Ah!" "Don't lift him by the neck, Louis." "Lift him by the sphenoid." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Uh, Marvin, I actually just came over to ask your advice about something." "Uh, okay." "What a beauty." "You know, I got him when he was drinking water." "Pow." "That's why his tongue's out." "Anyway, what were you saying?" "Oh, um, does Honey ever... look at other men?" "Why?" "What the hell did you hear?" "Nothing." "Uh, it's just..." "I found some tapes under Jessica's side of the bed." "Shirtless-men tapes." "Shirtless-men tapes?" "Action movies." "Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme." "Oh." "Uh-huh." "And you're worried that you're not giving Jessica the macho action-movie energy she clearly craves." "You know, now that I hear it out loud, it does sound kind of crazy." "No, it doesn't." "You should be worried." " What?" " She probably kept it a secret from you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings, which you shouldn't even have in the first place." "Maybe you're right, Marvin." "Tonight, I'm going to sit her down and really talk it out." "Talk?" "That's what got you into this mess." "They're action heroes, not talking heroes." "You want to solve the problem, you got to act." "You think I took that stag to tea and floated the idea of mounting his head on my wall?" "No." "I just did it." "Pow!" "You want to stop Jessica from watching those tapes?" "You got to show her you can be that kind of a man." "Pow." "Pow." " Pow!" " Pow!" "I'm telling you, it was him!" "Why would Steven Tyler be at the Sharper Image in Orlando?" "Because he wants a fogless shave mirror, Honey." "Anyway, how's everything else?" "How are your boys doing?" "Fine." "Eddie's mad at me because I won't let him go on his history field trip." "The one to Colonial Floridatowne?" "Believe me, you're doing the right thing." "I chaperoned when Nicole went, and let's just say the bathrooms are very realistic." "Did you just say Colonial Floridatowne?" "They are literally wood sheds with a hole in the ground." "I love colonial American history!" "Colonial Americans were like the Chinese of today." "Their struggle, their work ethic, their ability to use every single part of the buffalo." "I mean, you've seen my porcelain colonial mice." "What the...?" "Colonial Americans survived under the harshest of circumstances, and for that, they deserve our respect." "Look at this one." "Proud, hard-working, holding out her milk jug to the world as if to say, "Show me your worst, America." "I'll still have milk."" "This one looks a little bit like Sally Field, don't you think?" "I think that one looks a lot like Sally Field." "Where's your brother?" "He's playing Super Mario in his room." "He says it's nice to start the day with a victory." "Eddie, you're gonna be late!" "Stop playing Italian Maintenance Twins and get in here!" "Later, I'm going to dig a trash pit and burn this." "Louis, what are you doing?" "Put a shirt on." "I feel more comfortable this way." "You hate being shirtless." "You wear a t-shirt in the ocean." "I'm trying to give you the macho action-movie energy you clearly crave." "What are you talking about?" "I found your tapes, Jessica." "The ones you keep hidden under our mattress." "Your action-movie tapes." "I don't watch action movies." "The only movies I watch are riveting Denzel dramas about legal briefs." ""Where are the legal briefs?" "Who has the legal briefs?" "Julia Roberts, get me the legal briefs."" "Okay, so if you didn't rent them, who did?" "Probably your mother." "I already searched her room." "All I found was a Chow YunFat calendar." "Somebody in this house is lying to me, and I'm gonna find out who." "Forgetting something?" "Uh, why are you giving me this?" "I changed my mind." "You can go on your history field trip." "Really?" "Thanks, Mom." "Wait." "Why are you wearing a hat?" "Because I'm coming with you as parent chaperone." "We leave at first light." "Aha!" "Emery?" "I can explain." "Are you mad?" "Oh, uh, no, no, I'm not, uh, mad." "I-I-I-I-I-I'm just, um, well... you know, Emery, you're at an age where, uh, your body..." "A-a-and by that I mean..." "Uh, uh, uh, a father's love knows no..." "Greg Louganis is a wonderful..." "And Broadway." "Uh, although we may not live in the best state for..." "The tapes were research for school." "I knew it." "I knew it was homework-related." "Not exactly." "You know how I've always made friends easily?" "Well, there's been a change at school." "It's like it happened overnight." "And I'm tapping five mana to cast Ancestral Tentacle Grab, dealing two damage to all your..." "Oops." "You guys are dorks." "I'm gonna go throw bottles at a train." "Suddenly, all of my friends are acting like tough guys." "All they want to talk about is cars, fire, and throwing things at other things." "And that's not me." "I don't even know how to hang with them anymore." "Puberty strikes hard and quick, like a large soda halfway through "Schindler's List."" "Anyway, that's why I rented the tapes." "The video store has a whole section on tough guys." "And I was hoping they might help me figure it out." "But I know what I'm gonna do." "I've decided to write a poem." "A poem?" "For class." "I'm gonna tell an epic story through verse and show that brains are as valuable as brawn." "Big no to that." "Luckily, as a small-business owner who relies on customer service," "I understand the mechanics of getting people to like you." "You find out what makes them tick, and then you use that to relate to them." "Like, uh, these boys at school..." "How do they speak to each other?" "Well, they mostly just insult each other and make jokes about farts." "Like, "Who farted?" "Did you fart?" "No, I farted." "Fart, fart, fart."" "That's a funny joke." "So, they have a sense of humor." "Good." "That'll be the key to winning their respect." "And group five is Huang, Masterson," "Stone, Selby, and Pew." "Your chaperone will be Mrs. Huang." "Mother goose!" "Wait, Brian, your last name is Pew?" "How long have we been friends?" "It's cool that we're all together." "Cool?" "My mom is our chaperone." " So?" " It'll still be fun, right?" "No way." "My mom hates fun!" "Boys." "Here we go." "We're not even inside yet, and she's already starting..." " We're going rogue." " What?" "!" "I looked at the map, and turns out your class is only hitting the educational parts of Floridatowne, which doesn't leave any time for the good stuff." "So we're going to forge our own way." "It's what the colonials would have done." "Come on!" "What are you waiting for, Pew?" "Follow her." "You forgot to wipe." "Hey, Chad." "Want to hear a joke?" "Your face looks like a butt, and whenever you talk, it sounds like a fart." "And that's how colonial women used milk to get out even the most stubborn of household stains." "Now, who wants to help me get the blood out of this undershirt?" "Come on, come on!" "Whoa." "Whoa!" "Wow, that was fun." "Who knew that making candles was a career possibility?" "Goodbye, architecture." "And I got a kiss from the midwife's assistant." "You didn't get a kiss from her." "You just asked her where the bathroom was." "We had a connection." "Eddie, your mom is so fun." "She makes my mom look straight-up garbage." "Nobody tell my mom I said that." "I was just wrapped up in the moment." "Yeah, Eddie." "This field trip would've sucked without your mom." "I vote we all pool our money and buy her some fancy chocolates." "Sea salt or something." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, you guys are right." "Hey, Mom." "You were fun today." "Oh, thank you, Eddie." "I'm glad you and your friends had a good time." "You know, that Big Red..." "He has a real talent for tanning meat." "No, I mean, you were fun today." "What is that all about?" "Are you jealous your friends had fun with your mom?" "No." "You were fun today, which means you've always been capable of having fun." "You just chose not to." "Where was Fun Mom when I wanted to keep that gecko that got into Grandma's room?" "Or when I spilled my Slurpee on the moving walkway in the airport?" "You could've been fun this entire time." "Hello?" "Eddie got into a fight?" "Eddie got into a fight?" "Madeline, what did I tell you about keeping me in the loop?" "We had two vomits and a sprained ankle, but no fights today." "Really?" "Two vomits?" "It's taco day." "Wait." "If Eddie didn't get into a fight, then who..." "Oh, no." "Oh, my God." "What happened?" "You came so late that I missed a Tony Little Gazelle Masterclass that I paid $45 for." "You know that expression," ""Oh, if you work out, everything else will"?" "Well, that is not true." "Oh, and Emery was in a fight." "You know, this isn't really as bad as it seems." "So you got punched." "Everybody gets punched at some point in their lives." "Your mom got punched by a lady at the yogurt shop last week." " This is all your fault." " My fault?" "Instead of handling things my own way," "I took your advice, and look what happened." "Thanks a lot, Dad." "Yo, Evan, want to hear a secret?" "If it's that you wipe your hands on my towel, I already know." "How do you know about that?" "I know what a damp towel feels like, Eddie." "Whatever." "I'm trying to tell you a real secret." "Mom is fun." "That's not a secret." "I've been telling you that for years." "Not your nerd version of fun." "Like actually fun." "Today at my field trip, she..." "Boys!" "What are you, waitresses at a small-town diner?" "Stop chatting." "Evan, finish your homework in your room." "Eddie, take out the trash." "Okay, Mommy." "Oh, cool, you're back to being zero fun." "Awesome." "Maybe I'll experience Fun Mom again in another 12 years." "You think I don't want to be Fun Mom?" "I would love to be Fun Mom." "So then do it." "Eddie, we had fun today because I didn't have to spend every minute chasing after you and nagging you." "You think Fun Mom could get you to do your homework and clean your room?" "No way." "That's what this mom is for." "This mom gets things done." "No juice boxes until you finish your homework." "Your discipline is the only reward I need." "Mom." "I did the right thing, right?" "With Emery." "_" "_" "_" "What do you mean?" "_" "I don't do that." "_" "_" "Go, you 'Guanas!" "Go, you Barn Owls!" "Why do they call it women's basketball?" "It's just basketball, am I right?" "Oh, my God, you're right." "I hate women's basketball." "_" "_" "_" "_" "Do you really think I change who I am to get people to like me?" "_" "Now I understand the difference between a movie and a film." "How's that eye?" "It's okay." "And don't worry..." "I told Mom that I got it from looking too hard through my telescope." "I think she was proud?" "I, uh, shouldn't have told you to act like somebody you're not." "You're your own person, you're not ashamed of it, and that's your strength." "Tell that to the boys at my school." "They're just too busy trying to figure out who they are to notice." "You may feel like you're falling behind the curve right now, but trust me, you are way ahead of it." "Thanks, Dad." "You know, maybe I just need to change my tactics." "Good." "And deliver my poem in a completely different way." "Oh." "I need to show Chad and those other boys that you don't need to fight all your battles with your fists." "Sometimes you can use the power of rhymed verse." "Okay." "Just be smart about it, all right?" "Don't worry, Dad." "That's who I am." "You guys are missing the gnome's funeral!" "I wonder if there's a "La Chouffe 2."" "Eddie, up now." "School." "I heard what you said yesterday, and I get it." "Sometimes, I can be a little much." "Sometimes?" " More like..." " Not now." "Yes, Mommy." "I understand now that the only reason why I have any fun around here is because you're not having any, and that's not fair." "That's why I got myself ready this morning." "I even packed my own lunch..." "Six Oreos and a tortilla." "Thank you, Eddie." "Even though I can tell you didn't shower because you smell like a pepperoni pizza," "I'm proud of you." "But that means we're 30 minutes ahead of schedule." "Am I the green janitor or the red janitor?" "Neither, Mom." "You died five minutes ago." "You've just been pressing buttons for no reason." ""And for who but the flowers and the trees doth man speak and sing his many whimsies."" "Poetry's for 'ginas." ""And though a fist may crush and sprain, there is no weapon like the brain."" "This poem was written by a clearly sensitive student." "Our very own Chad." "Lovely work, Chad." "No." "That wasn't me, I swear!" "No need to be bashful, Chad." "It was a beautiful poem." "I really like that poem." "Me, too." "There's real power in rhymed verse." "Oops." "I dropped my pencil." "Let's go spray-paint some turtles." "Oh, hey, Louis." "We just got an amazing Danish film in." ""Cosette and the Gentle Clown."" "It tells the story of a young girl, Cosette, who leaves her oppressive mining village to apprentice..." "I'm renting "Beethoven."" "I think maybe you meant to get "Amadeus."" "That's over in..." "No, I didn't." "I don't want to watch "Amadeus."" ""Amadeus" looks boring." "Just like all the movies you recommend." "From now on, I'm only renting the kind of movies that I like." "Movies about animals... acting... crazy." "Whatever, man." "Yeah!"