"Subtitles revised by AsifAkheir ♪♪" "In the beginning there was only darkness." "And out of that darkness was born the demon Zaal." "Ruler of the Zakidis... and oppressor of mankind." "But from out of the shadows came Kran, warrior above all warriors and bearer of the God Sword." "He freed mankind and led them to victory." "But the price of victory was high." "For Kran got a wound through the heart and bled for seven days and seven nights." "A hundred warriors drank his blood." "And took on his strength." "Kran looked upon them and saw that it was good." "And then he died." "Thus, were created the barbarians," "Sons of Kran." "Oh, yeah." "Yes." "Listen up, folks." "Strength!" "Courage!" "Fearlessness!" "That's what Kran gave our folk." "For thousands of years, generation after generation, his blood has run undiluted through our veins." "That's what we celebrate every year, before we go on quests." "First and foremost it's Kran's blood, which makes us," "Barbarians, the greatest warriors in all Metalonia." "Okay, Ronal, it's your turn." "Ronal is sick ..." "Ronal is sick today." "Ronal!" "Can't you skip me?" "I have a sore elbow." "Maybe I'm getting dry skin ... or ..." " joint inflammation." " Aw, dammit, Ronal." "Put all your strength into it." "Damn, I wanna see this..." "Oh, damn, Ronal, man!" "One more..." "Can't   do   more!" "You must get in shape before the quest." "A barbarian who can't swing an ax, is ... just not a real barbarian." "Why do I need to go on a quest?" "I'll just get in the way." " Can't I hang out here?" " You are a Son of Kran." "A Son of Kran goes on quests, kills monsters and returns in glory." " It's the essence of being a barbarian." " Uncle, look at me." "What could I do to a monster?" "Flex my muscles and hope it dies laughing?" "What's up, Ronal?" "Got any muscles yet?" "Fucking funny!" "You got any brain cells?" "What?" "Where?" "If there's one on my back, squeeze it out !" "Listen, kid." "Questing, is more about big balls... than big arms or heroics." "Once you've grasped it, you'll have no problem crushing your foe." "I just find it hard to overlook, that you could die from it!" "Just shut up and train." "What's this?" "The alarm." "Everyone to arms!" "At your posts!" "Move!" " Hop to it!" " Yes, yes!" "Barricade the gate!" "Come on!" "Heave!" "Man the barricades, you lazy sods!" "Quiet." "Wait." "Quiet!" "Who goes there?" "Hail, noble barbarians." "We are Master Florian poet and bard." "We simply wish, for humble payment, of course to enrich your banquet of muscles 'spectaculaires' with noble sonatas of yore about heroes and heroines." "Attack!" " Songs." "They sing songs at parties." " Parties?" "Check out the 'dangerous' tuba on the roof." "Oh, let'em in." " No!" " Damn..." "It's been ages since I cracked any skulls." "How the hell should I know it was a tuba?" "Your mother plays one." "Yo, girls." "Wanna wash my long, virile, stiff, filthy... four-stringed lute?" "Time to practice poetry, not frivolity, young Alibert." "Art calls..." "We must be ready." "Isn't there a little time to look around?" "A true bard knows all the lyrics perfectly." "How perfect does it need to be?" "Why not join their quest?" "The barbarians are leaving tomorrow." "We could tag along." "Go with the flow." "I wanna meet girls, man." "I mean, write a heroic poem... or something." "You know, with verses." "Young Alibert!" "First you memorize every song ever written, then you write your own poems." "What?" "That'll take a hundred years." "Nonsense!" "Not that long." "I was only 57 when I finished my apprenticeship." "That's not old!" "Ow!" "Fucking fun!" "♪ Can Rikke, can Rikke, can Rikke drink beer?" "♪ Can Rikke, can Rikke, can Rikke drink beer?" "Oh, that's good, man." "Any of you suckling babes wanna guzzle a pint?" "Alibert!" "So I was on the hunt... and ran into an ork-kindergarten." "Voila!" " Here you go, honey, for you." " Oh, how cute." "Yeah, it brings out your eyes." "You have to see this too!" "This is genuine invisiblity body lotion." "I used it, to sneak into a harem." "Cool, right?" "Total chick magnet." "You can't even see who's attacking you." "What was that?" "Hey, there it is again." "Now it stopped." " There it is again." " Ow, Gorak." "Let me be." " It won't stop." " Damn you to hell, you fat fuck!" "Oh, Ronal, damn man." "All Kran's sons are assembled, Prince Volcazar." "Then it's time." " Can I take the watch for a bit?" " What about the feast?" "I'm just kind of... a bit tired." "OK, then." "Remember, blow the horn, if you see anything suspicious." " Think you can handle that?" " Who the hell cares!" " I want to be alone." " It's a large horn." "Remember, breathe in." "Deep in the gut." "And," "Damn, Uncle!" "Who would attack us?" "We're fucking barbarians!" "We smash everything." " We've never been attacked." " That may well be." "But it's the principle, that's important." "That boy will be the death of me one day." "QUEST-MAGAZINE" "Fucking barbarians, man!" "What the hell is that?" "We're being attacked?" "We're being attacked!" "Get your weapons!" "No, no!" "We await your order." "Let hell rain down!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fire!" "Attack!" "Show no mercy!" " Look!" "Fireworks!" " Did we order that?" "We're being attacked!" "Barbarians, defend yourselves!" "Hup, hup, hup!" "Oh, thank heavens." "They're saved." "This is one mad, fucking sick party, man." " Bummer!" " No!" "Help!" "Help!" "Punch!" "Smack!" "Bash!" "Muscles!" "I don't think there are any more." "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." "He's mine." "We're overrun!" "Why didn't you blow the horn?" " I tried!" " You tried?" "Trying, isn't good enough, Ronal." "Hop on." "We must save the others." "The famous Sons of Kran ?" "How pathetic !" "Put them in chains." "Leave no one behind." "We Barbarians shall never surrender!" "Everyone shall obey me ..." "No!" "... OR DIE!" "No!" " Take them away!" " You heard Prince Volcazar!" "Get the last barbarians in the cart." "Come on!" "In with him!" "Move!" " Come here!" " No, I ..." "What the hell?" "Don't forget your shoes and PURSES." "...I mean AXES !" "We won't come back to get them!" "General?" "This prisoner doesn't fit the shackles." " Should I just toss him out?" " That's not a Barbarian." " Drag him back and kill the little shit." " Oh, thank you." " Lucky bugger." " He always gets to do it." "♪ Leather clothing sure feels good, - " "" "♪ As a bonus it looks good too." " " "" "♪ Fits well, feels good..." "No, I won't." "Help!" "Help!" "Shut up, this gives me a boner." "Oh, shit!" "What a night, man!" "My head, man!" "The town's wrecked, what happened?" "Where did everyone go?" "Did they go to the afterparty?" "Wait!" "Ro ..." "Ronal." "Uncle?" "You're alive!" "Not for long." "Kran ... calls me home." "No uncle, it's probably just a flesh wound." "Ronal when your parents died," "I promised to take care of you." "And I've kept that promise." "Now, it's your turn to promise something." "Promise you'll save the others." "You owe it to them." "What?" "I can't..." "Promise me!" " But ..." " Travel north to the oracle." "He will help you." "Oracle?" "How?" "You are their only hope, Ronal." "The only barbarian left." "Uncle?" "Uncle!" "Uncle." "Gorak's invisibility lotion." "Yo." " What's happening?" "Going on a quest?" " No." "I must find the others." "Oh, okay..." " It IS a quest!" "You're going on a quest!" " No." "I have to find my tribe." "Oh sick!" "It's a quest." "Wait a minute." " Who are you?" " Hi." "Alibert--Bard." "Damn nice to be joining you." "You can't say no;" "I'll just follow you anyway." "Now, on our way, why not drop by the Amazon lands?" " No." " The girls, there, just ooze sex." " We should investigate." " Try to listen." " Don't follow me." " Those girls are super horny." " No!" " Fuck, you're boring, man!" "I know where we'll go -- to Berylia!" "Where the ladies have tails... and four breasts!" "This could be so sick, man!" " No, it could not." " Come on!" "Why are we here?" " I need to talk to the oracle." " Is that some sort of travel agent?" "Sick crib!" "Hello?" " Hello?" " About fucking time!" "I been sitting here since Wednesday." "You coming, or what?" " Sorry, what?" " Heck, I need to be wiped." "Aren't you the home care nurse?" " No, we ..." " Wait!" "Gundar has sent me ..." "That's it." "You're just in time." "Easy on the hemorrhoids." "He's a mighty warlord, this Prince Volcazar you speak of." "Dark forces of the Zakidis protect him." "I'm really not interested in fighting him." "Volcazar craves power over all Metalonia." "So far, no one's been able to stop him." "Whoa !" "He's surrounded by an impenetrable armor." "No weapon can harm him." "Only one sword has the power to crush him." "Watch." " Oh, sick !" " What's so special about it?" "YOU should know, barbarian." "This is Kran's sword." "It's a joke, right?" "Honestly, it doesn't exist." "Everybody's been looking for the damn sword for thousands of years and no one's found it." "It's just a silly story." "Kran's sword is no myth." "Only it, can harm Prince Volcazar." "You can never save your tribe without killing him first." "But I can't..." "Only a great warrior with a fearless heart will be able to use it." "Without a great warrior you will not defeat Volcazar." "Without a great warrior your race is doomed!" "But what do I care?" "I'm just an oracle." "It's not MY fault the barbarians were captured!" "Gu'ra zul!" "Sorcerer!" "Lord, time is fast approaching." "We must awaken the Zakides temple soon." "Or we won't be able to perform the ritual." "Have all Kran's sons been caught?" " My mission is fulfilled." " Fantastic!" "Now nothing can stop us." "Mighty Zaal, Kran's sons are assembled." "Awake from your slumber!" "What's going on?" "At last." " What?" " What now?" "The mighty Zaal is not pleased." "We're missing a Son of Kran." " Impossible." "Unless ..." " I don't understand ..." " We left none alive." " Fool!" "I need the blood of all living barbarians!" "And you let one escape?" "!" " I don't understand." " Find him..." "NOW !" "♪ They're on a quest, Alibert and Ronal" "♪ the greatest heroes in Metalonia" "♪ ooh-ooh, we're alright!" "♪ and the girls they say" "♪ Alibert you're so sexy!" "My village was burned to the ground, now I have to find Kran's sword." "Can't you shut up, for 5 minutes, so I can think?" " I'll sing a barbarian song instead." " For God's sake, no." "♪ Kran drew his proud sword And drove with all his force" "♪ The blade deep in Zakidis' Forehead and his skull burst." "Wait a minute." "The song." "What was it?" ""The Ballad of Kran"." "There are 2073 verses, and I know them all by heart." "Kran gets tons of pussy." "Why didn't you tell me before?" "That he gets pussy?" "No, that the song is about Kran." "You just sang a verse about his sword." "Is there a verse that says where it is?" "♪ From Kran's chest the blood did flow It bled day and night" "No, after he dies." "Come on, sing!" "♪ At his tomb was the sword laid, In a place, beyond recall" "♪ Only the Wisdom Book in Elvingard can reveal it all." "The Book of Wisdom in Elvingard." "That's it!" " We need to go to Elvingard." " Really?" "That's how we find the sword!" "Elf girls are piss pounding sexy!" "This'll be one hell of a quest!" "Okay, I have two rules for the quest." "One:" "This is not a quest." "Two:" "If we ever see anything remotely quest-like, we go around it." " Is it a deal?" " Check!" "Did we just break rule number one or two?" "Run for your life." "Shit!" "What the hell is this?" "What the hell did this?" "No!" "No!" "Ouch!" " Who are you?" "Are you one of them?" " My ... my throat." "Answer me!" "I'm just a random passer-by." "I swear." "I didn't mean to disturb you during your..." " ...slaughter of random men." " They challenged me to a duel." "Oh no, not again." "Go, fuck off, I'll let you live." "She's the fucking warrior we need, to wield Kran's sword." "What?" "Are you insane?" "She's a fucking violent psychopath." " Yeah, exactly..." "Ask her." " No." "Wanker!" "Yo, beautiful, my friend Ronal wants to ask you something." "We need a fresh warrior-slut like you on our quest, you know, to save his people." "As a little bonus, I'll teach you to play daddy's lute." "I don't know what he's talking about." "♪ Put your hand on my lute Suck on my hanging fruit." "Not interested in playing your instrument." "You're extremely uptight." "Told you it was a bad idea." "We'll get someone else to rescue the barbarians." " Did you say barbarians?" " Um, yes." " Barbarians, are your tribe?" " Uh, yeah." "The ones that they say... are the greatest warriors in Metalonia?" "Yeah." "It's a worthy cause." "I'll go with you." "What?" "I'm Zandra from the shield maiden clan." " Where are you headed?" " The Elvin Tower." " We need to find it." " We'll need a guide." "There's a town nearby." "Come." "No, wait." "You can't just ..." " Got a problem with that?" " Well ... uh, no." "Super." "Come on." "I swear, you scored her, man." "Son of Kran!" "Son of Kran!" "Come on!" "Faster!" "Oh, cool!" "Shave my legs and call me Susan, if this isn't the sickest place!" " Okay, here we are." " Uh, okay." "What's up, assholes?" "Can I trouble one of you to call a taxi?" " Fuck!" " Sweet, it's happy hour." "It's crowded today." "Stay behind me." "We'll enter quietly, find a guide... and leave before anyone notices us." "And without fighting, okay?" "Please?" " As you wish." " Thank you." "♪ Bing, bing-li-bing-bing." "In your ass." "Son of Kran!" "Son of Kran!" "So I said to her:" ""Your breasts look tired." "Can I hold them for you?"" "Your mother always had the largest tits." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Stop that, buddy." "I'm tellin' you, she was mad, man." "You can't win 'em all." "But you can try." " What do you want?" " We're looking for a guide." "Only one left." "Down by the toilet." "Ask for Elric." "Who ordered a pint and a double Manhattan?" "Okay." "Thanks." "Uh, hey, are you Elric?" "The voice of the wind lights the evening sun's embrace." "Children of the stars, great Mother Sun now rests." "The darkness comes as a pensive sigh." "I sensed you would come." "We elves are connected with all living things." "Let our souls unite." "You bear the dreams of an eagle upon a mouse's will." "Mighty blood dwells in your heart." "Kormamin lindua ka'elja." "Yes, that sounds exciting." "My name is Ronal, and with some frien..." "Names have no meaning." " I need a guide..." " Spiritual or physical guidance?" "We're going to the Elvin Tower." "The wind shall tell me whether I should help you." "Stand still!" "Let me penetrate your aura." "Kormamin lindua ka'elja." "Kormamin lindua ..." "The wind says, I shall follow you." "My bow will sing with your sword." "Okay ..." "Damn." " Hey, I found him." " My bow will sing with your sword." "Come, let's get out of here." "Hey, shield maiden, leaving already?" "What say you to a little dance?" "Hey guys, sorry, we were just leaving." " I accept your challenge." " What?" "He must defeat me or die." " We mustn't cause any problems." " He challenged me." "You promised." "In and out, without fighting." "Okay." "Handle it yourself." "Hey, shield maiden, what's it gonna be?" "Listen ..." "Friend, I know, it's super cool to fight, but we're in a bit of a hurry and there are plenty of others to fight." "So if it's okay with you, I think we'll just slip out." " Zandra!" " I'm not interfering." "That'll make a nice soup base." "Learn how to ride!" "Ever seen one of these?" "I can teach you to play it." "Does it make you horny?" "I sense much aggression in the room." "Any last words, chump?" " He's dead." " What the hell?" "That's fucking disgusting!" " Now you're gonna get a new asshole!" " That's enough!" "Let him be." "Black Riders." "Son of Kran!" "Son of Kran!" " Take him!" " No!" "Help!" "Zandra!" "Nobody defies Prince Volcazar's riders with impunity!" "It's gonna explode!" "Move!" "Hey!" "Who ordered this double Manhattan?" "Ow, my ass!" "110% ALCOHOL" "Goddamn!" "Fabulous, my lord." "One more shot and you'll beat your record." "But we have to find the last Son of Kran before the next full moon." " You're ruining my concentration." " Pardon me." " Hello?" " The target escaped, sir." "The task is more difficult than we thought." "He has the help of a strong warrior." "We'll need reinforcements." "I will not tolerate humiliation!" "Bring them to me." "Both of them." "Do you know where we are?" "Seems like we're going in circles." "The wind speaks to my soul." "We'll soon be in the elvish realm." "You said that two days ago." "We're lost, Goddammit." "We'll die of thirst." "Hah!" "What's so funny?" "I've heard about the strength and courage of barbarians'... but you have neither." "You just bitch and whine." "Funny, considering your genepool." "Why come along if you think I'm a whiner?" "And why so interested in barbarians?" "That's my business!" "Stop!" "See." " This means ...?" " We elves can communicate with everything." "I will unite with its soul and make it show us the way out." "Kormamin lindua ka'elja." "Kormamin lindua ..." "Ow!" "My beautiful elvin-lip!" "There!" "On the other side." "There's no labyrinth!" "The entrance to the Elf Realm." "I did it." "Elven-gate, I greet you." "Didn't you say it was the entrance?" " Oh, wild!" " Come on." "Stop!" "First, our souls must be weighed by the Gate Keepers." "Only those of the right caliber may enter." "What about those NOT of the right caliber?" "Who?" "They're crushed by the rock wall." " Well, shall we go?" " Um, I can't." " What?" " I'm a pathetic barbarian." "I'm not exactly the right caliber." " It isn't meant that way." " Forget it." "We'll go around." "When you're on a quest, you should follow the guide." "All we'll get from that, is killed." "But, since you call it a quest, remember, it's my quest." "And I've decided we go around this ridiculous gate." "Come on!" "See." "No booby traps, no gates, no nothing." "This quest nonsense is so predictable." "If you just think a bit outside ..." " Ow, my tailbone, man." " What the hell was that?" "We have offended the Gate Keepers." "I sense   great danger!" "Run!" "Faster!" "Ronal!" "Come!" "Ow, man!" "Fool!" "Your moronic idea almost killed us all." "I just tried to steer us away from trouble." "You tried?" "!" "Trying just isn't good enough, Ronal." "On any quest there's bound to be problems." "Solve them instead of going around." "There's the Elven Temple... ..focal point of all wisdom in the world." "The Book of Wisdom lies in the tower's topmost chamber so the moon can read it on its journey across the night sky." "It is the holiest of holy books." " Fine." "So let's go up." " Quiet!" "Look." "No outsider is allowed in." "The King's bowmen have eyes like hawks." " Shit." " They kill all they see." "We'll have to do it the hard way." "I'll take these two." "No." " I'll do it." " What?" "Alone." "Think about it." "They'll kill you, as soon as they see you." "I know, they're not going to see me." "There isn't much left and I'm the smallest." "Wait here." "I could have used that in high school." "What do you think?" "Clever, huh?" " What?" " You missed a spot." "Fuck!" "Empty?" "!" "Fucking typical!" "Relax, Ronal." "They're tiny dumplings." "Nobody will notice." " Wait here, OK." " Don't, Ronal." "You'll get killed." "Ow!" ""I have a headache," "I'm tired" "The kids will wake up!" ... blah, blah, blah." "Immortality's a real bummer with a wife like that." "Ass bummer!" "Ow!" "Who's there?" "Hmm, not a damn thing there." " Where were we?" "Are you ready for this Saturday?" " Are you crazy?" "I was born ready!" " Hell yeah!" " I must be a crazy psycho!" "It's open." "Ow!" "Fuck, I'm in bad shape." "Oh!" "Ah!" "Fucking rats!" "Oh!" "Whoa." "There it is." "So where is it?" "Sword of Kran..." "Sword of Kran..." "How the hell can I find Sword of Kran?" "There it is." "Kran's Sword." "Well, that was easy enough!" "As if they'll ever fucking notice." " A killer rat!" " Kill the rat!" "Use the poisoned arrows." "After it!" "Kill it!" "Kill it!" "Kill it!" "Faster!" "Shoot it down!" " Ow, damn it!" " Yes!" "The swine is down!" "Well, how much are you gonna drink?" " Nothing." "I'll smoke instead." " Did you get Elrond's mother's weed?" "Ow." "The map says Kran was buried in the Eternal Mountain." "My elfin soul feels, that it's far, far ..." "Isn't that it, there?" "...nearby." "Destiny is on our side." "Ow." "No more." "I was wrong about you." "What?" "There in the temple." "You did it." "Yes, more or less anyway." "You make the barbarians proud." "Uh." "Thanks." "Well, um, I have an axe to sharpen." "I was thinking ..." "I never really said ... thank you for coming with me." "Actually, I don't know how I would have made it without you." "Uh ... okay." "Well, we'd better get some sleep." "Maybe we'll find Kran's Sword tomorrow." "I'll keep watch." "We Elves need no sleep." "You can sleep safely." " Can I ask you something, Ronal?" " Uh, yes, of course." "What are the barbarians like?" " They're not very clever." " I was thinking, more like in here?" "Well." "Uh." "A barbarian is always ready to help those that need it." "Regardless of how dangerous or difficult." "And they go on quests all the time." "They're not afraid of anything." "Hard to believe I'm one of them, right?" "And they're great warriors?" "Yep." "The best in the world." "It's so hard to find a proper warrior." "Yeah." "Uh, what?" "I come from an ancient clan of shield maidens." "Far, far away from here." "Our religion requires that I only marry a warrior who can defeat me." "Many have tried to defeat me, but I was too strong." "And for every duel I won, I just got stronger." "Meanwhile, I could only watch as the others found themselves a mate." "One by one, until I was the only one left." "It took longer and longer between suitors who dared challenge me." "Finally suitors just stopped coming." "The clan elders became impatient." "They told me to go out into the world to find a worthy man." "A warrior with the strength to conquer me." "If someone defeats me, I must obey his slightest wish." "There have been none, strong enough." "But everywhere I've been, they say barbarians are the strongest warriors." "So maybe a barbarian from your village can defeat me." " That's why I came with you." " Uh ..." "Okay." " Okay, what?" " Well, that's ..." "What you just said, what does it have to do with love?" "I'll love whoever defeats me." "I've waited so long." "Whoa." "I've never told this to anyone before." "It feels sort of ... nice." "You know what, Ronal?" "It's actually nice talking to you." "You're so lovely  to talk with, I mean!" "Oh, haha!" "'Cause if I'd meant it the other way, we'd have to fight." " No, It would be unfortunate." " Yeah, that'd be a bit strange." " What was that?" " I don't know." "Hey, Elric." "Elvish folk do not sleep." " What's making that sound?" " I sense a foul voice." "No one escapes Prince Volcazar's anger!" "Ronal, watch out!" "Zandra!" " Damn!" " Ronal, wait for me!" "Ronal!" "Oh, fuck!" "Goddamn!" "They're gone." "Damn!" "Let's move!" "Zandra!" " No, no, no." " We'll find her." "If we go now, we can catch up." "Come." " What did you do?" " No idea." "They're Amazons!" " It stuck." " Congratulations, sweety." "... simply too much sun." "See my new shoes." "Aren't they fantastic?" "There's only women here!" "I've died and gone to heaven!" "Hey, girls." "What's going on?" "What's that?" "A totally botched fanny pack." "Hi, hi, hi!" "Good to see ya." "High Queen, we captured these women in the jungle." "We brought them to you to decide their fate." "Stand them up." "Let me see." "Most peculiar women." "I've never seen anything like it." " What's this?" " Ow!" " One even has hair on her chin." " How sloppy!" " High Queen." " Quiet, ugly girl!" " Who asked you to speak?" " We're not women." " We're kinda more like men, you know?" " Men?" " Or nearly so." " Men?" "!" "Heaven be praised." "The Gods have heard our prayers and sent us two men." "Finally, the time has come, to increase our tribe." "Take them to the sacred mating cabins." " What?" " What!" "We'll take the thin one first." "Stow him away until tomorrow." "No, help!" "No, I don't wanna!" "Honestly, man, it's not fair." "I wanna be mated too!" "That's so fucking typical." "No!" " My Lord." " What news?" "We've caught the warrior who helped the barbarian escape." "Look at this!" "A shield maiden." " And a very pretty one, at that." " Give me a weapon and let me fight." "All in good time." "No one lays a hand on me without suffering." "Then die!" "Impressive!" "You're my type of woman!" "Too bad I have to kill you!" "What?" "Foolish tom-boy." "I know your rules, shield maiden." "You must obey me now." "It is your destiny." "You have defeated me." "Single piercings are not cool." "Double piercing is the shit." "Yes!" "It's about time." "Is it my turn?" "The ceremony is over." "We'll use you tomorrow." "What?" "Tomorrow?" "Queen's orders!" "Come back!" "I want to be abused!" " Did you lock the door?" " Of course." "Hey, what are you doing?" "We have to leave." "What about all the Amazons?" "Zandra's in danger." "We must find Kran's Sword and help her." "Can't it wait a week ?" "We can't leave her in the lurch." "Can't we find another warrior?" "I want Zandra!" "Hello!" "..." "You didn't want her along in the first place." "Fuck you!" "I'll be right here making sweet love with hot babes." "That's the only reason I came on this quest." "Oh, I forgot." "You're NOT on a quest." "You're just fucking boring." "Fine." "Stay here." "You're a shitty helper anyway." "Oh, I just love that song." "Damn!" "Fucking shit!" "Oh, what the fuck am I doing, man?" "Ronal, I'm coming!" "Madam Queen?" "I just had to see you." "Ever since I first saw you, my body trembles with longing." "I know it's against the rules, but I must have you." " If I may ..." " I can't control myself." "Take me!" "Take me!" "Oh, yeah!" "Take me!" "Stop!" "Unfortunately I can't, Madam Queen." "My friend needs me." "What?" "Perhaps I can be taken prisoner again on the way back." "ALAAARM!" " Pigs!" "Men are pigs!" " Insane bitches, man!" " He was your responsibility!" " And I locked the door!" "Hang him by his balls!" "Elric?" "These must be the first barbarians." "Whoa." "Hello." "I need your sword." "I'll take good care of it." "It's so light." "Whoa!" "Yeah, sorry." "Zandra." "I'm sorry." "Time after time you escaped my best riders, barbarian." "And now you show up here, just as my shield maiden said you would." "Kran's Sword." "The only weapon in the world that can harm you." "Zandra?" "Excellent!" "You have served me well." " As you commanded me, lord." " What the hell is going on?" "Move!" "This barbarian has a rendezvous with my sorcerer." "I sense, Ronal is in great dang..." " Fuck !" "Do what you must, sorcerer." "With pleasure, Lord." " Ronal?" " Gorak?" " Here you go." " No, no, no!" "Finally!" "Mighty Zaal, hear your humble servant!" "The blood of Kran's Sons has been collected." "Grant us access to your temple!" "What's going on?" "Only once every ten thousand years... is it possible for Zaal, God of the Zakidis... ..to contact our world." "I offer the ultimate sacrifice." "The sons of the warrior, who exiled him to the underworld." "And he will bestow upon me his Divine Power." "All will bow to me  OR DIE !" "Piss!" "We can't go on without being noticed." "We will fly like dandelion seeds." "Ronal!" "What the hell's wrong with you?" "Come on!" "Lift your feet!" "Come on!" "Get up the stairs!" "Wait here." " Ronal." " Alibert!" " What?" " Take it easy." "Keep moving, you wretch!" "Ronal, where's Kran's Sword?" "Nothing you can do." "It's on the altar below." "Run away." "I won't be satisfied, until they squeal like the pigs they are!" "Mighty Zaal we offer you the blood of Kran's Sons." "Let your darkness bless us!" "Soon I will be mightier than a God and you shall be my queen in the afterlife." "Hey!" "What are you doing here?" "Uh ... uh ..." "Kill him !" "No wait, I am master Alibert." "The bard!" "I'm here to play at the feast, uhm..." "occult ritual." "Here's a song you might know." "♪ Your leather clothes they make me crazy" "♪ on the dance floor you can see it" "♪ your skull-charm it makes me warm" "♪ little cuddly sweetheart" " Shut up, that's crap !" " Oh!" " See ya!" " Come back, you little shit!" "Let the "Chosen One" step forward!" " Hey, Ronal." " Kran's Sword." "I'll set you free." "We must free the others." "I'm hurrying as fast as I can." "What the hell?" "Drop it shrimp, you don't have a chance." "Come on, give me your best shot." "Very nice." "It was really ..." " What the hell?" " Sorry." "What?" "I've been looking fucking-forward to this!" "Oh yeah!" " Kill them." " But ..." " That's an order!" " Zandra!" "You belong to me, shield maiden!" "Don't forget." "Yes, my Lord." " Ronal." " You don't have to do this." "Volcazar defeated me in a duel." "It's my destiny." "Zandra, it's me." "This is completely ridiculous!" "Is it really your destiny... to kill the only one who cares about you... just because some maniac has beaten you in a duel?" "Watch out!" "Ronal!" "Zandra." "Let me go!" "Lord, drink up before it's too late." "Good boy, down the hatch." "Oh, shit." "Die!" "No!" "Darkness shall awaken in Metalonia." "The sound of screams shall rise to the heavens." "All shall bow to me OR DIE !" "Fuck!" "The Ballad of Kran!" ""Kran drew his proud sword And drove with all his force" "The blade deep into Zakidis' Forehead and his skull burst."" "You have to strike his forehead." "It's his weak spot, man!" "That's impossible!" "There's nothing you can do here." "Save yourself!" " What?" " This is no place for you." "Run!" "No." "I'm done with running away." "You better fucking straighten up and fly right." "Yeah, do it!" "Stab him in the forehead!" " No." "In the forehead!" " What do you think I'm trying to do?" "I'll crush you like a bug!" "He's fucking dead !" "Oh, damn!" "May my aim be sharp as a hawk's and flawless as the Great Tit." "Stand still!" "No!" "Now, I have you!" "Eat lute, bitch!" "No, no." "No!" " Zandra!" " My queen!" "Kill this flea !" "What are you doing?" "Your honor bids you serve me!" "No!" "It's finished!" "Then..." "DIE !" "Zandra!" "OK guys, let's show them how barbarians really fight!" "Gorak!" " Come on, guys!" " Muscles!" "I am invincible!" " What?" " This one's for Uncle Gundar!" "Uh?" "Holy shit!" "My g-string is so high up my ass." "Ronal?" "Ronal!" "Oh no." "Here lies Ronal." "The greatest barbarian of us all." " What happened?" " Damn, he lives, man!" "I sense great love." "It's so beautiful!" "I haven't challenged you to a duel, right?" "You ..." "You've already conquered my heart, Ronal." "Now it gets cheesy." "It's time for ale and lager, ale and lager." "Ale and lager, ale and lager." "Wanna see something sick?" "Whoa!" "Cool." " Oh, that's good." " I sense severe myalgia." "I've been tied to a leather cross all week." "Shut up, man, I wanna say something important." "To Ronal, the thirstiest barbarian in the world!" "Skoal!" "Why the hell aren't you drinking?" "Fucking barbarians!" "..." "Subtitles revised by AsifAkheir" "Ronal the Barbarian" "♪ oh, he was a weak boy lacked a pair of balls" "♪ he wasn't pierced at all" "♪ oh, he was a geek boy with a chest so small" "♪ big balls hairy balls" "♪ hard balls hot babes" "♪ hairy babes yummy babes" "♪ yummy balls and oily muscles too" "♪ Ronal the Barbarian he rules" "♪ big balls hairy balls" "♪ hard balls hot babes" "♪ hairy babes yummy babes" "♪ yummy balls and oily muscles too" "♪ we'll keep on fighting muscles are shining" "♪ we are the champions" "♪ thunder and lightning excess of lightning" "♪ fighting with balls in thongs" "♪ we are together all dressed in leather" "♪ all bits are wet and we're perfectly tanned" "♪ and have pierced our nipples" "♪ Ronal the Barbarian he rules..."