"Schnell, Dummkopf!" "Can't you do anything by yourself?" "Danke." "What would I do without you?" "It looks like old blood and guts is leaving us, huh?" "( laughs ):" "We can't be that lucky." "Hey, maybe he's been invited away for a weekend." "Now, who would have him for a whole weekend?" "We'd better check with the colonel." "Yeah." "Okay." "( shouting ):" "Hey!" "Help!" "Imbecile, eh?" "I'm sorry." "I have enjoyed this little holiday immensely since I was shot down." "Good." "We aim to please." "But I am anxious to get back to England." "Well, so am I." "Ah, yes, but in point of fact, you're stationed here, aren't you, actually, Corporal?" "Oh, rather." "Look, Lieutenant, our job is not just to get you back to England, but safely." "Krauts are still searching for you." "Soon as the heat's off, you'll be on your way." "We've got some news." "Our beloved commandant's leaving camp." "Leaving?" "Oui, with suitcases, like, for a weekend." "You mean you didn't know he was going?" "We're close, but he doesn't tell me everything." "What do you think it means, Colonel?" "I don't know." "He's never taken a furlough." "Klink's a very dedicated Kraut." "LIEUTENANT:" "Look here, if your commandant is away from camp, wouldn't this be an ideal opportunity for me to, uh, scamper off home?" "Escape while he's gone?" "Why not?" "HOGAN:" "Leftenant, that would hardly be cricket." "Oh." "Ah." "So the logical conclusion must be that military information is leaking to the enemy from the area around here." "( chuckles nervously ):" "Oh, that's impossible, Herr General!" "In the middle of Germany?" "Don't contradict me." "Yes, sir." "I must agree with the general's conclusions." "But it's impossible." "Don't contradict him, either." "Yes, sir." "In fact, don't contradict anybody without permission from me." "MAJOR KOHLER:" "You see, Colonel, our intelligence people have an agent planted at military headquarters in London." "He reports to us through, uh, certain channels that there is a flow of information from this point." "Major, you have your finger on Stalag 13." "And I have my finger on you, Klink." "We are going to get to the bottom of this." "General Burkhalter, I can assure you my men and prisoners are under constant security." "Be quiet, Klink." "Yes, sir." "With your permission, sir." "General Burkhalter has evolved what I consider a simple, brilliant plan." "So do I." "You haven't heard it yet." "Yes, sir, I haven't heard it yet." "You will plant military information at Stalag 13." "A fake, of course." "If London acts on it, we can then be sure the leak is somehow coming from the camp." "BURKHALTER:" "You will very carefully put out the information we give you." "No one must suspect it is fraudulent." "Do you think you can do it properly?" "Of course, Herr General." "Now it is my turn to contradict you." "I doubt it." "And because of the labor shortage in Germany at this time," "I have been authorized to offer any prisoner who wants to work a job at civilian wages in the town of Hammelburg." "Oh, come on." "You're joking." "All right, hold it!" "Pipe down!" "Colonel, are you offering my men work in a war plant?" "It would be called that, yes." "That's against the Geneva Prisoner Of War Convention." "Hogan, I have made my offer." "That is all I can do." "Dismissed." "( prisoners muttering )" "Klink doesn't realize it, but he just gave us some valuable information." "How do you figure that, Colonel?" "A German war plant is always a good target once you know where it is." "And how do we find that out?" "Oh, wait, wait, wait, don't tell me." "The answer begins with an "S"" "and ends with a "Z", right?" "Right." "Put 'em all together, they spell "Schultz."" "Now, go in and get what's left over from your last Red Cross packages." "Oh, we got very little left..." "( all complaining )" "Aw, come on, fellas, dig down deep." "Do you realize the folks back home are buying war bonds and they've cut down to three meals a day?" "Now go." "Schultz..." "Colonel Hogan, I know nothing, nothing!" "You don't know what I'm going to ask." "I don't care." "I know nothing about everything." "All I wanted to say was the guys are reconsidering" "Klink's offer about working in town." "They'd like to know where the factory is located and what they're making, that's all." "Too much." "Much, too much." "Okay, Schultz, if that's how you want it." "Oh, thanks, Newkirk." "Eh, let's see what we got here." "Chocolate-covered nuts, nut-covered chocolates..." "Oh, some of the guys paid back some of the candy bars they borrowed between Red Cross deliveries." "Hey, look at this." "Licorice." "Oh..." "Mm, licorice." "Mm..." "Colonel Hogan, please, uh, could I make a little loan from your bank?" "The Board of Directors, Schultz, would like to know what kind of security you can put up." "There's a factory on the outskirts of Hammelburg." "Uh-huh." "They used to make shoes." "Uh-huh." "Now they are converted." "Ah-ah!" "Converted to what, Schultz?" "Rockets." "They're assembling them there." "That's interesting, if true." "Oh, the big shot Klink told me." "Oh, mm..." "Shh." "Top secret." "Then don't tell anybody." "( chuckling ):" "Oh, I won't." "Good." "Wait a minute." "I just told you." "Well, who am I going to tell it to?" "Goldilocks to Papa Bear." "New rocket assembly plant, outskirts Hammelburg." "Repeat, rocket assembly plant, outskirts Hammelburg." "The leak must have occurred right here in this camp, Klink." "But that's hard to believe, sir." "Our agent in London reports the British Bomber Command ordered an air strike based on information received from here." "Fortunately, the attack was against an abandoned factory." "I knew it." "The whole thing was too easy, and I fell for it." "Oh, don't blame yourself, Colonel." "We all got careless." "But who could be sending this information, Herr General?" "It might be anyone." "Even you, Klink." "Me?" "I am a loyal officer, sir." "Loyalty counts for nothing without efficiency." "As of now, Colonel, you are relieved of your command." "Relieved of my..." "I'm a career officer, sir." "What would become of me?" "You may discuss that with General Godfried personally." "General Godfried?" "Who's he?" "Another career officer fighting for his life outside of Moscow." "Major Kohler will take over as commandant as soon as possible." "You, Klink-- you will stay on and acquaint him with camp routine." "Understood?" "!" "I assure you, Herr General..." "Assure me of nothing." "I have a headache that big with your name on it." "Come with me, Kohler." "There are a few other matters I wish to discuss." "Herr General." "There seems to be some unexpected company." "( stuttering and stammering )" "Heil Hitler." "Boy, they sure put one over on us." "Those dirty snakes." "There is a war on, you know." "Well, that's no excuse for sneaky behavior." "What about that agent they got planted in headquarters in London?" "Notify London and tell them we're going to stop transmitting for a while as a precaution." "Right." "I'll take care of it." "Hey, Colonel, that R.A.F. leftenant's still waiting to escape." "Well, tell him to go on waiting." "If we make a move now, we could be in bigger trouble... if that's possible." "Kohler, I told you we are going to get to the bottom of this, and I meant it." "Yes, sir." "Tomorrow, an American officer will be brought here as a prisoner." "His name is Lieutenant James Crandal." "His real name is Schmidt." "An intelligence agent?" "One of the best." "Personally recommended by Himmler." "( chuckles ):" "An excellent plan, General." "Infiltrate the prisoners to find out what we want to know." "Exactly." "Schmidt will be able to discover how the information is sent to London." "Oh, uh, Klink is not to know anything about the spy." "Yes, sir." "If we work hard, we may be able to win this war even with Klink on our side." "( both chuckle )" "Uh, sir." "Yes?" "May I ask, do you actually suspect" "Colonel Klink of disloyalty?" "Disloyalty?" "No!" "Stupidity?" "Yes." "Come on, Carter." "That's gin." "( LeBeau laughing )" "Well, you'd better set another place for dinner, LeBeau." "We got a new member of the country club." "LeBEAU:" "I wonder where they captured him." "HOGAN:" "Let's find out." "NEWKIRK:" "Give him the routine check, Colonel?" "The works." "Carter, when they take him to the delousing station, check his uniform and boots." "Make sure they were made in the U.S." "Yeah, will do." "The rest of you start pumping him." "Don't tell him a thing until we clear him." "( all agreeing ) Aye, Colonel." "All right, let's see what we got." ""James Crandal, age 28, Second Lieutenant."" "Home is Enid, Oklahoma." "He's a Bombardier." "He was trained at Westhover Field, Massachusetts and assigned to the 313th wing." "Shot down over Dusseldorf." "We checked that." "There was a big raid on Dusseldorf about four days ago." "The only survivor of his crew, kept in transit camp, questioned by Luftwaffe intelligence and then sent here." "Doesn't speak any Italian, French or German." "Right." "What else we got?" "Well, his bomb wing operates out of a field, uh, Gatwick, in England." "He's got the typical G.I. view of England." "You know, girls, booze and then back to the girls again." "That's normal." "Yeah." "Man like that has to be legitimate." "His boots and his uniform are standard issue." "Nothing phony, Colonel." "No, he sounds straight to me, Colonel." "Wait a minute." "Did he ask anybody about the setup here?" "No." "No." "Well, what's the verdict, Colonel?" "I'm not sure." "What, do you want a blood test?" "No questions about the situation here at Grand Hotel." "Colonel, we didn't have time." "Oh, come on." "Think back." "What's the first thing a new prisoner does when he lands in prison?" "Try to figure out how to escape, right?" "It's a natural thing once you've been captured." "All right, assume he is a plant." "How do we make sure?" "There's one more little test." "We'll work it tonight." "( whistles )" "You're a suspicious man." "Look at it this way-- the life I save might be my own." "( whispers ):" "Lieutenant." "Lieutenant." "Crandal!" "Wake up!" "Fire!" "Schnell!" "Zum Fenster!" "Raus!" "CARTER:" "Let's get out of here!" "( prisoners yelling )" "Okay, hold it, hold it!" "We got it." "It's out." "It's okay." "Come on." "It's out." "No sweat." "What happened?" "Well, I was smoking." "I guess I fell asleep." "Boy, it's lucky you weren't burned." "Well, I threw the blanket off." "Let's be a bit more careful next time, shall we, LeBeau?" "All right, the excitement's all over." "Everybody back to bed, huh?" "Boy, that was a close call." "( all muttering )" "That's dangerous." "LeBEAU:" "I love smoking." "So don't do it." "( whispers ):" "That fake!" "What?" "( whispers ):" "He understood when Kinch told him to go out the window in German." "He's a Kraut." "The biggest." "I just saw him coming out of the Rec Hall, Colonel." "He's heading this way." "All right." "This is our chance to use Crandal for a double play." "You know what to do." "Right, Colonel." "All right, Carter, you make the goof." "Right." "You picked the right man for the job, Colonel." "Well, it does take intelligence to be stupid." "Do you mind if I have a little time to think that over?" "Well, it does take intelligence to be stupid." "Sure, sure." "Colonel, men." "Hi, Crandal." "Hi, Crandal." "Hey, that Kraut sergeant just brazed me outside the Rec Hall." "Not supposed to be in there." "Only certain hours." "You mean Shultz pushed you around?" "Yeah." "You told me he was dein Kraut." "He was, till that new major took over." "Yeah, he's worse than Klink." "I didn't think it was possible." "Guess you guys had things organized pretty much your own way, huh?" "We were doing all right." "Can't figure what happened to upset the Krauts." "I think it must have been that, uh, bombing raid on the war plant in Hammelburg, sir." "Well, let's face it." "They bombed the place right after Klink offered us the jobs." "So what?" "Coincidence, that's all." "Yeah, but if those Krauts ever get wise that" "Major Kohler tipped us..." "HOGAN:" "Carter!" "Keep your big trap shut." "CARTER:" "Yes, sir." "Sorry sir." "Yackety-yak all the time." "All right, but I said I was sorry." "Now he's sorry." "Was that something I wasn't supposed to hear?" "Well, you're new here, Crandal." "We can't take chances." "Yeah, I guess the Krauts'd love to get a plant in here." "They don't trust us at all, uh, considering how long we've been here." "You've been cleared, Crandal." "You may as well know everything we know." "That's a relief." "Kohler's working for our side." "Kraut major?" "Shh." "Keep it quiet." "We didn't know it ourselves until recently." "That bombing raid on the rocket plant in Hammelburg gave us the clue." "We told him about that factory." "And then he passed the information on to London." "Secret radio or something." "Who knows?" "Maybe he just opened a window and shouted the news." "We have no way of getting in touch with London to check it." "They may even be paying Kohler." "How do you like that?" "Kraut's going along unsuspecting, and here's this fellow right in the middle of 'em, selling them out." "Yeah." "That's the way it is." "Yeah." "There's always one in every bunch." "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "Colonel Hogan, did you really think you could fool me?" "You're always one step ahead of us, sir." "Newkirk, fix it." "Yes, sir." "Shultz!" "You must keep an eye on them every minute." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Dummkopf!" "Keep an eye on them every minute, did you hear that?" "And you have to watch them, watch them, watch them!" "Does it work?" "( Schultz continues yelling )" "Like a charm." "Klink was right." "You've got to keep an eye on us every minute." "CARTER:" "Colonel." "Colonel Hogan." "Crandal just went into Klink's office." "Good." "Takes care of Kohler." "Will they believe Crandal?" "( sighs ):" "Let's make sure they believe him." "What do we have in our vast storehouse of treasures that would incriminate a German major?" "What about a nice autographed picture of Winston Churchill" ""To my dear friend Major Kohler"?" "I'd believe that." "HOGAN:" "All right, hold it, hold it, hold it." "I've got an idea, Kinch." "Send a message to London." "Tell them to drop the name Kohler to that spy the Germans planted in headquarters." "Say that Kohler's the informer." "Okay, will do." "And he send the name back to Burkhalter, right?" "You have five silver dollars." "Would you like to try for ten?" "Then Kohler's really framed." "Like something hanging in the Louvre." "We really are a nasty lot, we are." "Newkirk, I'm so glad you approve." "General Burkhalter, what a pleasure to see you again." "The next sound you hear will be Kohler yelling," ""I've been framed."" "Lies, General, all lies!" "The fact is, Major, that you have had the opportunity to obtain classified information." "You're my aide." "And we have been coming to this area ever since Stalag 13 opened." "You were in a position to observe everything." "Everything!" "Stay out of this, Klink." "Yes, sir." "Till you need me, sir." "You not only observe everything, but pass it along to England." "But why would I do such a thing?" "We are not concerned with your motives." "The Gestapo will take that up with you." "General Burkhalter, you must listen to me, please." "Would it make any sense for me to pass false information to London?" "You knew we were getting close to the truth, so you found a convenient way to throw suspicion on someone else." "( laughs )" "Those staff officers, they are so clever." "Klink!" "I am a staff officer." "I didn't mean you, sir." "You're not clever." "I..." "You're clever!" "You're clever." "Shut up, Klink." "But General, there is no proof against me." "Is that so?" "Just an hour ago," "I had an urgent message from Berlin about you." "It seems that our agent in England overheard two British officers in London using your name." "What?" "That's impossible!" "Don't contradict the general." "Not without permission." "That enough proof for you?" "You can't condemn me just like that." "I demand a fair trial." "In Germany?" "Mr. Kohler, you are under arrest." "You are under arrest." "Guard!" "I am being destroyed with false evidence." "He's to be turned over to the Gestapo." "Schmidt!" "You will return to the barracks as Lieutenant Crandal and complete your mission." "Dismissed." "Jawohl, General." "We are gradually getting to the bottom of this," "I am happy to say." "I am very happy, too, Herr General." "You have no idea how happy it makes me that you are happy, Klink." "Why don't you give up?" "You never win." "We never play with my cards." "Why don't you play tiddledlywinks..." "Crandal, got good news for you." "Yes, sir." "This is your escape map." "Memorize it and destroy it." "And that's enough food to get you to the coast." "What's this?" "You're going out tonight." "To England." "LeBEAU:" "Boy, is he lucky." "In a few days, you'll be at the base at Gatwick in the pub with all the mob, telling them all about it." "Hey, Lieutenant, would you mail a letter for me?" "Look, Colonel," "I'm anxious to get out of here, but... do you think this is a good time?" "I mean, the Krauts are a little nervous right now." "You said so yourself." "They're always like that." "High-strung." "You'll be all right." "Good luck." "Look, Colonel, thanks for the opportunity, but I don't think I..." "You're escaping tonight." "You can't tell a man to escape if he doesn't want to." "What did you say, Fritz?" "Leftenant." "What do you mean, Fritz?" "!" "Yeah, baby, that's you, Fritz, like in Kraut." "Here's your man." "You, sir, are my prisoner." "Nice touch." "Makes it official." "This is your escort officer." "He'll get you back to England." "Nice fellow." "But you try any crazy moves, he'll kill you." "You can count on me, my boy." "Don't worry, I won't try anything." "I know when I've had it." "Ah, that's very sensible." "( Crandal yelling )" "I say, he is the nervous type." "That's all right." "You can handle it." "Here we go." "Look." "We've called a sub." "They'll meet you at the rendezvous point." "Oh, good show." "Thanks awfully for everything." "Be careful if you meet any patrols." "He speaks German like a native, which he is." "I believe I have a solution." "Good show, old boy." "Do carry on." "Yes, General Burkhalter." "Sergeant Schultz just reported to me." "Lieutenant Crandal-- I mean, Schmidt-- escaped sometime during the night." "Now, I suggest that..." "Oh, I do not suggest." "I see." "Disregard it." "I understand." "His means of protecting his cover story in case we need him again." "He has just completed his assignment." "Very good, sir." "Oh." "Heil Hitler." "You mean to say Crandal was really a Schmidt?" "Indeed, he was." "Ooh." "That's not very nice." "Schultz, when I want your opinion, I will ask for it." "Well, Herr Kommandant, I think if a man..." "I do not want it now." "( knock at door )" "Yes, Hogan, what is it?" "Sir, I'm terribly sorry to report that one of the prisoners escaped during the night." "I know all about it." "Why are you sorry?" "There's never been a successful escape from Stalag 13." "It ruins your record." "I'm not the least bit concerned." "Well, that's a switch." "What's been going on around here, Colonel?" "Hogan, that's none of your business." "Don't look at me." "( chuckles ):" "I know nothing." "Nothing!" "That's fine." "I'm nice enough to report an escaped prisoner, and you brush me off." "The matter is closed." "Dismissed." "Nobody ever tells me anything around here." "And that is the way it should be." "I know." "But it makes a man feel unloved." ""(End of Episode)""