"It's delightful to be married To be, be, be, be married!" "There's nothing half as jolly" "Good evening, Mr. Ireland." "As a happy married life" "Hiya, Jimmy." " Give me a little lift with this, will you?" " Certainly, sir." "Yes, sir, Jimmy, it's certainly delightful to be, be, be, be married!" " Don't you think so, Jimmy?" " Well, sometimes." "Oh, always." "There's nothing wrong with anyone's life that a good marriage can't cure." "Thank you, sir." "It's delightful to be married To be, be, be, be married" "He'd sure sing a different tune if he lived with my old lady for a while." "Oh, I don't know." "I didn't mind it so much." " Good morning, Mr. Ireland." " Good evening, Joe." "(WHISTLING UPBEAT TUNE)" "What happened?" "Oh, I don't know, sir." "It's been acting funny all day." "Well, it looks like we're stuck for good now." "Stuck?" "I can't be stuck!" "I've got the most important date of the year tonight!" "Wait a minute, sir." "You hear that rumbling?" "That means the power is still on." "It'll start in a second." "Oh, come on, elevator, nice old elevator." "Get me upstairs and I'll put you out to pasture in a beautiful, green meadow." "There she goes, sir." "She's all right now." " Good evening, Mr. Ireland." " Shh!" " Where is she?" " She's in her room." "Well, well!" "What have we here?" "Oh, that's a little surprise." "Tonight's the night!" "Oh, as if I didn't know." "Mrs. Ireland's been primping since breakfast." " Has she?" "Everything all set?" " Yes, sir." " Dinner at midnight?" " Yes." " A happy anniversary, Mr. Ireland." " Thanks, Martha." "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "That's funny." "That wasn't here when I came in." " Maybe some man just put it there." " Oh, I don't think so." "It would have to be a man who knew exactly what I wanted." "Really?" "Oh, darling, I've always wanted a portable." "It's the best I could rent for 35 cents a day." "It's pretty cheap considering it has my initials on it." "Well, well, well!" "Look at the lovebirds!" "And after four years!" "Come on, let's get out of this cross-town traffic!" "(SUSAN CHUCKLES)" "Now, let's see, where was I?" "Oh, yes, I know." "I was right there." "Every time you mess up my lip rouge, it takes me ten minutes longer to get ready." "I'll take a half hour's worth of that." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "I'm a married woman!" "I'll tell my husband!" " I'll tell him when he comes in." " That does it!" "Stevie!" "(CHUCKLING)" " Darling, I've got some great news for you." " What?" "I've decided to keep you another year." "Maybe you haven't seen the other models." "They haven't got brakes like me." "What brakes have you got?" " Will you do something constructive?" " What?" "Will you ask Martha for my walking shoes?" "Your walking shoes?" "Yes." "You don't expect me to walk four miles in dancing shoes, do you?" "And I'll need my heavy gloves for rowing." "Well, look, darling, I..." "I was just wondering..." "What now?" "Do you think we want to go through all that rigmarole tonight?" " Rigmarole?" " Yeah." "Oh, darling, we swore that every year we'd do exactly what we did when we were married." "Yes, I know." "I love that walk to the justice of the peace." "It's four miles." "But he always gives us sherry when we get there." "One finger." " And then I row you up the river." " That takes an hour." "And you read our future in the stars." "That's the part I like best." " Last year you nearly upset the boat." " You nearly upset the boat, you beast." "And you weren't stargazing when you did it!" "Yes, but..." "Look, I've got an idea!" "Why don't we do everything we did last year and the year before and the year before that, only in reverse." " In reverse?" " Yeah, backwards." "Oh, but that would mean we'd have to take our four mile walk at midnight, and backwards at that." " Yes." " Oh, yes." "Well, what about the rowing?" "I can't row backwards." "Of course, you can." "Backwards is exactly the way you do row." "Yeah." "Only that way, you row this way." "Why, you're perfectly right." "I never realized it." "Well, then, I don't see why we shouldn't do just as you say." "Don't move a muscle." "Martha!" "Martha!" " Oh, Martha." "Martha, look." " Yes, Mr. Ireland?" "We've changed our minds about having dinner at midnight, and we decided to have it at the regular time." " Oh, Mr. Ireland, not really!" " Oh, it'll be all right." "And, Martha, will you serve the dinner backwards?" " All right, sir..." "How?" " Backwards." "You know, start with dessert and finish with soup." "See?" "Are you sure you want it that way?" "Oh, yes, it'll be fine, it'll be fine!" "All right, but you won't like it!" "Well, 1:00." "Now, let's see, what was the first thing I did?" "Oh, I turned out the lights." "Wait, you forgot to wind the clock." "Oh, yeah." "I forgot to remember." "Yes, I set the alarm for 12:00." "You were going to lunch with your mother." "The next thing you did was to crack your ankle on that post." "Oh, yeah." "Well, if you don't mind, I'll just skip that part of the routine." "Then the next..." "Oh, darling, you know, you shouldn't be allowed to stand in the moonlight like that." "It ought to be against the law, like other strong drugs." " I don't remember your saying that before." " I should have." "(BANGING)" "(STEVE GROANS)" "SUSAN:" "Oh, darling!" "You must be furious!" "STEVE:" "No, dear, just terribly, terribly hurt!" "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" " SUSAN:" "Sounds like the doorbell." " (WHISPERS) Martha will answer it." "SUSAN:" "Maybe she'll let them in." "STEVE:" "Oh, no, I'll take care of that!" "Whoever it is, they shall not pass!" "Happy anniversary to you Happy anniversary to you" "Happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Ireland" "Happy anniversary to you" "That will do, boys." "Best love from mother-in- law!" "Oh, Mother!" "Well..." "Well, that was..." "That was very nice." " Four years ago today." "Isn't it wonderful?" " Yes, isn't it?" "Steve, you look funny." "Are you all right?" "Oh, yes, fine." "That is, except for my headache." "I've had a terrible headache." "I was thinking of sitting in the dark for a while." "Oh." "How's my little girl feeling?" "Is she all right?" "Oh, yes, she's fine, fine." "Steve, you don't seem very glad to see me." "You haven't even asked me in." "Oh, well, I wonder what I could mean by that?" "Oh, there you are!" "Happy anniversary, darling!" "Oh, Mother, how are you?" "Here, wait until you see this too, too divine rug that I've brought you." "My dear, isn't it just too matchless?" "Don't you wonder how you ever managed without it?" "Oh, it's lovely, Mother, but I thought you knew that we had to take up the rug you gave us last year because the floor is just too highly polished." "Oh, I remember very well, but the dimensions of this rug are absolutely perfect." "Where's Martha?" "Martha!" "Martha, would you fix me a little dinner?" "Nothing heavy, just a bite." "You don't mind, do you, darling?" "I know you're not dining till midnight, so I won't be in your way." " But, Mother, we're..." " They ain't dining at midnight, ma'am." "They're eating at the regular time." "Oh, how nice." "Then we can all have your anniversary dinner together." "Now, you two don't pay any attention to me." " You just go ahead as if I weren't here." " Go ahead and what?" "Oh, I must keep an eye on the time." "Your Aunt Laura is coming in from California at 8:00." "8:00 railroad time?" "You know, that's 7:00 our time, in case you're planning to meet her." "Yes." "You mustn't be late at the station." "You know how she hates" " to be kept waiting." " Yes." "You two are sweet to worry about Aunt Laura, but I've checked the time and there's no hurry." " I completely forgot!" " What?" "Nothing you have to dash out and attend to, I hope." "You can mail it for me." "It's my insurance premium." "It must be mailed tonight or my policy lapses." " I'll give it to the elevator boy." " Oh, no, don't you dare!" "It has a check in it." "I hate to trouble you, but..." "Oh, no trouble at all." "Why, what else would I have to do?" "Thank you, Stephen." "You won't lose it, will you, dear?" "No, no, no." "I'll tie it around my neck." "(CHUCKLES) Stephen, you're so amusing." "Always clowning!" "(LAUGHS)" "Look at him!" " Thanks for the rug." " Oh, you're welcome." "JOE:" "Good evening, Mrs. Grayson." "ISOBEL:" "Good evening." "Hello, sugar." "Isobel!" "Oh, Stevie, darling!" "I haven't seen you since you were married." "No." "Well, four years to a day." "Don't tell me you're not back in circulation yet." "No, not me." "I'm stuck for life, and I like it." "That doesn't sound like Stevie the party boy!" " Weren't you married, too?" " A month after you jilted me." "But with me, it was different." "I had to do something to mend my broken heart." "Oh, your broken heart, my foot!" "You were glad to get rid of me!" "(CHUCKLES) Anyway, that's what I told people." " Oh, Steve, you're looking elegant." " Oh, really?" "I wasn't even trying." " What are you doing here?" " I just moved in." "You live here?" " Yeah, 12A." " 11B!" "Well, we're neighbors." "Remember that if you ever want to borrow a cup of sugar, sugar." "Well, this must be my floor." "No, I'm sorry, Mrs. Grayson, it isn't your floor." "As a matter of fact, it isn't anybody's floor." "The power's off again!" "I can think of a lot better places to park." "Hello!" "Hello, janitor?" "Listen, dopey." "I told you that machine was on the blink." "Now it's stuck dead, you sap!" "I wouldn't antagonize him right now." "Oh, he says he don't know what's the matter with it, and he don't know how long it'll take to fix." "What are you going to do?" "Well, we'll have to go out through the top." "Through the top?" "You'd better knock." "The people upstairs might be busy." " Give me a boost, will you, Mr. Ireland?" " Oh, yeah, sure." "STEVE:" "There you are." "Well, I guess you're next." "Alley-oop!" " How is your acrobatic work?" " It hasn't changed much." "Now, just..." "Here, you put your foot on my shoulder." "I better take these off." "I don't want to stab you to death." "Oh, thanks." "I guess I wouldn't look so well in footprints." "(DOG BARKS)" "Oh, Punkins." " Come on, Punkins." " Oh, yes, Punkins, huh?" "Say, whatever happened to that wirehair I gave you?" "He disappeared about the same time you did, you thief!" "Me?" "I'm sorry I ran into you, Stevie." "You bring back that old feeling!" "Oh, you mean that old feeling that threw a flowerpot at me the last time you saw me?" "I'll never forgive myself for that." "The geraniums died!" "(ISOBEL LAUGHING)" "What's the matter?" "Is my face tickling your foot?" "The last thing you said to me four years ago was that you were not going to let me walk all over you!" "Oh, yes, it seems to come back to me now." "Hey, can you give me a hand there, Joe?" "Of course, this elevator would never stick when my mother..." "My mother-in-law was in it." "Yeah, probably ran like a clock." " Nice place they have here." " Yeah." "A lovely view." "Wonder what would happen if we went on up to the roof?" "Jelly." "Oh, well, here we are." "Now, let's see..." "Oh, yes." "Punkins, out you go." "Now..." "Well, I guess perhaps I'd better crawl out first." "Here, Joe, hold those doors, will you?" "Stephen, play like it's a transom you're climbing over." "ISOBEL:" "Where you going?" "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, quick, do something!" "Steve!" "Hurry!" "Hurry!" "Oh, for heaven's sakes, hurry!" "Hang on, Steve, we'll be right back!" "ISOBEL:" "Hurry!" "(GROANING)" "Get away!" "No!" "No, no, no, no." "No!" "(STEVE SHOUTING)" "Just another second." "I'm gonna be right there." "Come on, Joe, step on it." "ISOBEL:" "All right, take it easy, take it easy." "A little further now." "Stop!" "Hold it, hold it, that's enough!" "You're going to go too far!" "Hold it!" "No, no, that's all right." "Stop." "Quick!" "I mean slow!" "Slow." "There, that's..." "Stop!" "Go down." "Down." "Hey!" "Down!" "(GROANING)" "Steve, are you hurt?" "Oh, you need a drink!" "Gee..." "Gee, you scared me to death!" "Come on, Steve, sit right over here." "There, sit down." "You're going to be all right." "You looked like a fly on a flagpole." "I thought you were gonna fall any minute." "Here." "This ought to help you." "Now do you feel better?" "Oh, we have to do better than that." "Here, take some more." "How's that?" "I still feel as if I'm choking." "Oh, my goodness, you are!" "Here, let me fix it." " There, is that better?" " Oh, oh, yeah." " It's all right now." " Take another sip." "Just relax and take it easy!" "Sit back." "You'll be all right in just a minute." "You're lucky you can even swallow." "Yeah, if I couldn't swallow, I wouldn't want to live." "(CHUCKLING) Same old Stevie!" "Oh, boy!" "Was that close!" " This is like old times, isn't it?" " Yes, isn't it?" "Yes, a little too much like old times." "I'm married now." "Well, so am I. What's that got to do with it?" "Can't I give an old pal a little first aid?" "Oh, well, I remember your first aid, Isobel." "You..." "You don't stick to the rules." "Oh, you couldn't have gotten that stuffy in just four years." "Let's see if marriage has taken all the laughter out of you!" "STEVE: (LAUGHING) You..." "No..." "Isobel!" "You..." "Don't..." "Now, let me up!" "Isobel, stop!" " Now, no..." "Don't..." " I thought so!" "You are alive." "Yeah, but I wouldn't be long if your husband came in." " Oh, Pinky." "Don't worry about him." " I'll worry about him if I want to." "I wanna tickle you." "You look so cute when you're shocked." "Don't." "Please, Isobel." "I've had a very trying day... (EX CLAIMS)" " Oh, well, who's that?" " That's Eloise." "Pinky uses her for a model." "Say, where is this Pinky of yours?" "He's in his studio up on the roof painting some old guy's portrait." "He won't be down for days!" "Oh, Stevie, I'm bored!" " You know what?" " Yes, I do know what!" " What?" " I..." "I'm gonna leave." "That's not as good as my what!" "Let's duck down to Tony's and bend an elbow with the old gang!" "You see, I..." "I've got to go to dinner." "Telephone your wife you're stuck at the office." " Let's play hooky." " No." "My..." "My hooky days are over." "I got to run." "You weren't married, you were embalmed!" "MRS. COOPER:" "Steve Ireland, where have you been?" "Why, you're all dirty!" "What on earth happened?" " Darling, what's wrong?" " The thing..." "The elevator, it broke down." "Dear me, it didn't take you all this time to walk up just 12 flights of stairs!" "Well, I did waste a little time trying to avoid being killed." "Oh, darling, was there an accident?" "Are you sure you're not hurt?" "Oh, no, no, I'm fine now, but..." "Oh, boy, it was a close escape!" " Oh, darling!" " Angel!" "Oh, your hat." "Steve, you've lost your hat." "Oh, I guess I must have left it in the elevator when I climbed out." "You see, honey..." "Shall I telephone for them to send it up?" "Oh, no, no." "I'll..." "I'll get it later." "I guess I'll have to change." "Just come in here with me, dear, will you?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Will you ask the elevator boy for Mr. Ireland's hat, please?" "Thank you." "How do you like my new neck, dear?" "You know, it must have stretched a foot while I was hanging there waiting for the elevator to get back up again." "Susan, is this the only course we're going to have for dinner?" "No, dear..." "Oh, I forgot." "It's a little mistake." "It was Steve's idea to have dinner backwards." "Dinner backwards?" "Yeah, on account of our anniversary." "(CHUCKLES) Oh, I see." "Yes." "Martha, we'll have it the regular way." "I told you, you wouldn't like it that way." "The elevator boy found your hat." "It was in Mrs. Grayson's apartment." "Mrs. Grayson?" "Who's that?" "Oh, yes, gee, I forgot to tell you about that, dear." "Isobel Kimble, that is, Isobel Grayson she is now." "Well, they live right underneath us here, she and her husband, Pinky." "She was in the elevator when it broke down, so I went in with her for a minute, and I guess that's where I left my hat." "Isobel Kimble." "That's the girl who gave you a black eye when you told her you were going to marry me." "Yes, but she's married now and got a husband." "Really?" "Whose husband has she got?" "Susan, now don't let Stephen think that you don't trust him." "Stephen knows very well how I feel about Isobel Kimble." " Don't you, dear?" " Now, honey-pot!" "What did Mr. Pinky Grayson think when he saw you walking in with his wife?" "Oh, he wasn't..." "Well, what do you think he thought?" "He thought, "There's Steve Ireland walking in with my wife. "" "It's the elevator boy again." "He says Mrs. Grayson wants her shoes." "Oh, well, I guess they must be in my other coat." "Well!" "That's how Steve dresses me, you know." "He steals a pair of shoes here, a dress there." "All I have to buy are my underthings, thank heaven." "Stephen, tell us your story of how you got Mrs. Grayson's shoes." "She took them off to stand on my shoulders." "Sounds like fun." "Well, it wasn't fun." "Excuse me." "Mrs. Grayson wants to know if you took her Punkins." "Mmm-hmm?" "(CHAIR FALLS)" "Punkins is her dog!" "Oh!" " Too bad you have to eat and run, Mother." " Thank you, Stephen." "I do hope you children have enjoyed the evening as much as I have." "Oh, I must write down that new recipe for hollandaise." "Oh, you haven't time, Mother." "It's nearly 8:00." " You'll miss Aunt Laura." " Oh, I mustn't do that." "Still, if I don't do it now, it means making another trip." "Not really, Mother." "There's a new invention called the telephone." " They tell me it works like a charm." " That's what I'll do, I'll telephone." " Good night, darling." " Good night, dear." " Good night, Stephen." " Good night, Mother." "Happy anniversary, children." "(SCREAMS)" " Oh, Mother!" "Are you all right?" " No." "It's my ankle." "I've sprained it again." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I'll call a doctor." "Yes..." "No, don't you think it'd be better if she went to a hospital?" "No, I'd rather stay here." "Help me onto a couch, Stephen." "(GROANING)" "I'll show you how to bind it, Stephen." "Have you got a bandage?" "I hope not." "I mean, I don't think so." " Does it hurt?" " Of course, it hurts, dear." "Oh, that's right." "Oh, what on earth are we going to do about Aunt Laura?" "Susan, you'll have to meet her." "Well, can't Martha go?" " Oh, I'm sorry, darling." "Martha's gone." " Gone?" "Say, what does she do after dinner, evaporate?" "Well, I suppose I'll have to go." "How can you meet her, Stephen?" "You don't even know her." " Oh, no, well..." " Run along, Susan." "Oh, I hate to go, darling, but I have to." " You only have to drive her to Westvale." " Westvale?" "Why, that'll take half the night." "Look, Susan!" "Look, honey-darling." "It's our one night of the year." " I know." " Well, can't we get out of it someway?" " Well, what would you suggest?" " Oh, shove Aunt Laura under a truck." "I'll see what I can do." "Goodbye, dear." " Hurry, Susan." " Yes, Mother." " And don't worry about me, dear." " No, Mother." "Susan, I'm so dreadfully afraid that you're going to miss that train, dear." "Goodbye, baby." "MRS. COOPER:" "Stephen!" "Happy anniversary, honey-pot." "Stephen!" "Stephen, I do think that you should have warned me about that rug." "I'm doing it better." "I think I'll soon be able to beat any of the girls." "All right, Stephen." "Stephen?" " May I have the cards again, please?" " Oh, yes." "And do stop mooning about Susan." "She'll be back in a couple of hours." "Oh, yes, sure." "I don't mind picking up cards for a couple of hours." "They hardly weigh a thing." "Well, Stephen, it certainly will help take down your waistline." "Won't it." "Look, if you don't mind, I think I'll have a little breath of fresh air." "All right, but don't stay long." "I'll want you again in a few minutes." " Will 20 seconds be all right?" " Of course." "(EX CLAIMS)" "Hey, Gargantua!" "Where's your keeper?" "Hello!" "Don't tell me you haven't gone to bed by 9:00, or are you sleep-walking?" "If you must know, I'm spending a quiet evening alone with my mother-in-law." "And I'm thinking of jumping off the roof." "Then jump right down here, my beamish boy." " Aunt Isobel will take you places." " Oh, I couldn't do that." "Come on, it's a wonderful night for falling down on a dance floor." "No, I can't." "MRS. COOPER:" "Stephen!" "Will you come pick them up, please?" "Why can't I?" "Hey, maybe I could." "Stephen!" "Look!" "I'll tell you what I'll do." "You call me up on the telephone right away and let me do the talking." "Okay, sugar." "It's on the fire." "Well, shot the whole deck already, huh?" "And how many did you get in this time?" "Oh, quite a few." "I'm getting better all the time." "Yes." "Well, you know, practice does it." "It looks like a beautiful night outside." "Is the moon shining?" "Oh, yes." "Oh, the moon?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, excuse me, Mother." "Hello?" "This is Steve Ireland." "Who?" "J. B!" "Well, you old rascal!" "Yes, J.B. Oh, is that so?" "Well, look, J.B., I'll dash right over." "It'll only take me a minute." "Yes, J.B. Okay, J.B." "Oh, dear!" "That's..." "That's very unfortunate." "It's..." "Hello, this is Mr. Ireland." "Would you call me a taxi, please, right away?" "Yes, thanks." "I'm so sorry, Mother." "You know, I wouldn't do this for everybody, but I hate to lose an account like J.B.'s." "Oh, that's quite all right, Stephen, if you really think you should go." "Yes, yes." "Well, I..." "I..." "I do." "I'll see you later, Mother." "And..." "And don't think that it hasn't been fun because it hasn't." " Hello, Mother." " Hello, dear." "Well, I finally got Aunt Laura bedded down." "That's good." "An infantry division would have been easier." " How's your ankle?" " Oh, my ankle isn't troubling me anymore." "That's good." "Stevie!" "I'll be very much surprised if you find him in there." "Really?" " Where is he?" " I'm sure I couldn't say." "Mother, there's that smile again." "What are you trying to tell me?" "I heard Stephen talking to that Grayson woman." "Isobel Grayson?" "Yes, he told her to call him here, and he'd arrange to get away." " Are you sure?" " Yes, I'm sure." "She called here and pretended she was a business friend, a J.B." "He ordered a taxicab, and they've been gone for three hours." "Steve said they lived directly below us, didn't he?" "Susan, tell me, what are you going to do?" "Mother, I think you'd better run along now." " Yes, of course, but I should think you..." " Please, Mother." "Well!" "Goodnight, dear." "But if you take my advice, you'll..." " Mother, I'll handle this." " Very well." "Hello?" "Connect me with the Grayson apartment, please." "Mr. Grayson's apartment?" "Yes, that's right, Grayson." " Yes?" " Hello." "Is Mr. Ireland there?" "Mr. Ireland?" "No." "Certainly not!" "Well, is Mrs. Grayson there?" "Mrs. Grayson?" "No, she's not." "There's nobody here, and I'm busy." "Well, I'm sorry to bother you, but when do you expect them back?" "Well, I don't expect them back..." "Say, wait a minute." "You mean that my wife's out with Steve Ireland?" "Well, yes, she is, but, of course, I don't mean that there's anything wrong." " Who is this?" " This is Mrs. Ireland." "Well, you may not think there's anything wrong, but if your husband's starting to fool around with Isobel again," "I'll break his back." "Oh, no." "No, I'm sure that won't be necessary." "No?" "Well, then just what do you think I should do about it?" "Well, tell me, Mr. Grayson, are you good looking?" "Am I good..." "Hey, are you kidding me?" "What's on your mind?" "If Steve were to walk in and find me, say, kissing you," "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have any more trouble with him." "I get it." "Give them a taste of their own medicine, huh?" "It's a great idea." "All right, wait for me." "I'll be there in a few minutes." "Say, wait a minute." "What do you look like?" "Look, I'll tell you what I'll do." "I'll bring some pictures." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" " Hello." " Hello." " Say, you are good looking." " What?" " That makes everything perfect." " Well, thanks very much..." "I think we better turn out some of these lights." "It'll make it look more romantic." "Pardon me." "I can't for the moment remember where we met." "I don't think we ever did." "I've seen you in the elevator now and then." "Oh, so that was it." "I know what would help." "Let's have something to drink." "Oh, pardon me, of course, of course." "Well, now let's see, what'll you have?" "I don't suppose you care for whiskey." "Why not?" "Perfect." "But perfect." "Yeah?" "Well, how will you have it, highball or straight?" "Oh, just spread it around the room." "All right, if that's the way you want it." "What are you..." "Oh, that's a good idea." " It'll smell like an orgy." " I never did this before." "Say, wouldn't you care to drink a little of it?" "A little on the breath would help." "Tell me, dear, how did you ever happen to think of this?" "Well, when I thought about my husband being out with another woman," " I decided to teach him a lesson." " Oh, I see." "Well, we'll teach him a good lesson, won't we?" "We certainly will." " I think I'll put some lip rouge on you now." " And why not?" "Oh, come, come, we can do better than that, can't we?" " Please!" "Please!" " Well, what's the matter?" " Well, there's no particular hurry about it." " All right, have it your way." " What's all this?" " I shoot a little." "Can you hit anything with it?" "Once in a while." "I just happen to be the world's champion." "Not really." " Shall I put an apple on my head?" " You'd be perfectly safe." " Here, I'll show you." " Shh!" "Oh, I thought..." "What are you doing?" "I can't shoot unless my torso's free, if you'll pardon the expression." "You know, it's the same thing with Indians." "You put a coat on them, and they can't hit their hats." "I didn't know Indians wore hats." " There you are." " Oh, quick!" "Hold me." "Grab me." "No, no." "No, not here." "No, over here." "Swell." "Kiss me." "Oh, you're beautiful." "What have I ever done to deserve this?" " It must have been somebody else." " Who?" "I don't know." "Whoever it was." "You know, you're not the easiest girl in the world to understand." "Why not?" "Well, you do seem to, sort of, blow hot and cold." " How do you mean?" " You're moody." "Sometimes you're abandoned and gay and then suddenly you become reserved, cautious, afraid of life." "You're a little peculiar yourself." "Oh, I'm not really, not when you get to know me." "Oh, now, now, quick!" "Kiss me!" "Stop it!" "Let go!" "It wasn't they." " There you go again." "Who wasn't who?" " My husband." "I thought I heard his voice." " Oh, so that's your game, eh?" " What game?" "Your husband was gonna come in here and find you with me." " That was your plan, wasn't it?" " Why, yes, that was our plan." "That's right." "And he was gonna hold me up for a nice piece of change to forget about it." "So that's your racket, eh?" " Oh, don't be silly." "Steve..." " Shut up!" "Now, you wanted a scene for your husband to walk in on." "Well, you're going to get one, a beaut!" "And if he squawks, I'll turn you both over to the police." "Now, come on, lady." "Come on." " Oh, my!" "Keep away from me." " Take it easy." " Help!" "Help!" " Hey, wait!" "Baby, wait a minute!" "Please!" "Please, listen to me!" "You're misunderstanding the whole thing." "I swear there's nothing more to the situation than what I told you on the telephone." "Please, believe me, Mr. Grayson." "What did you call me?" " (GASPS) Oh, don't you..." " Well, wait..." " Steve!" "Steve!" " Hey!" "Wait a minute!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Let go of me, Mr. Grayson, or I'll scream like an eagle." " Wait a minute." "I'm not Mr. Grayson." " You're not?" "No, that's Grayson's apartment across the hall." "Oh, but..." "Then who..." "Well, then you thought that I..." "How dared you!" "Hey, take it easy!" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "Well, I guess I can't blame you very much." "What a stupid mistake." "Oh, there's no harm done, not unless your hair's turned white." " Has it?" " No." "But I bet you won't forget this experience in a hurry." "I'll never forget it as long as I live." " Susan, what..." "What are you doing here?" " Well, well, the breadwinner." "How's business?" "Who's this?" "Don't tell me that's Aunt Laura!" "Oh, my name's Willoughby, Ward Willoughby." "He's Aunt Laura if that's J.B. Oh, don't go, J.B." "I hear you're an expert in holding corporations." "Are you talking to me?" "Look, I don't want to be tiresome, but who is this?" "The name's Willoughby, Ward Willoughby." "Aren't you cold like that?" "Mrs. Grayson's always so worried about men being cold." "At the moment, you're hardly in a position to criticize anyone's behavior." "Oh, now, look, Isobel." "That's not a nice thing to say." "Shut up!" "If you were half a man, you'd beat his head off." "Look, I'm Ward Willoughby..." " Well, is that called for?" " Well, what do you think?" "Well, if that's what's expected of me." "Oh, now, stop it!" "Stop it!" "This gentleman's a friend of mine." "This is my husband, Steve Ireland." " I'm Ward Willoughby." "How do you do." " How do you do." "Well, what the devil do I mean, "How do you do"?" "What are you doing with my wife dressed like that?" "I'm not dressed like that." "Look, I was in my apartment, minding my own..." "Oh, don't bother to explain." "First, I want to know what you were doing out with the chamber of commerce, here?" "Well, I think I'd better tell him what..." "I came down here..." "Everything that's happened is your fault, Steve Ireland!" " Well, what's going on here?" " Hello, darling." " Did you finish your picture?" " You keep quiet." "I'll attend to you later." "Well, now, Mrs. Ireland, if you'll pardon me..." "Oh, are you Mrs. Ireland?" "Well, I've been waiting for you up in my studio for the last 20 minutes." "Another one?" "What were you doing, dear, canvassing the building?" " Well, I must say." " Will you keep quiet?" "You mean you were upstairs?" "You weren't in there?" " You know where I was." "You phoned me." " Oh, you phoned him?" "Oh, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go to my own apartment." "And there I was sitting in my studio waiting for you." "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Look, I know what!" "Let's all room together, all through school." " Oh, excuse me." " You come with me!" "Susan!" "(GROANS)" " Did you say something, dear?" " No, I didn't say anything." "Oh, I thought you did." "Steve." "Am I what you'd call a jealous type?" "Jealous?" "You?" "(SCOFFS)" "Why, you haven't an atom of jealousy in you, not a bit." "That's one of your great virtues." "Then why do I want to chop your head off?" "Well, I don't know." "Maybe you think I'd look better without it." "Maybe I would." "Maybe I'd like to keep it from telling me what happened tonight." "Oh, now, honey, it's not that bad." "Look, you wouldn't mind hearing about it at all." "Don't tell me, Steve, not if it's a lie." "I couldn't forgive you that." "I know what you must be thinking." " You see, I've got to tell you." " Something tells me you'd better not." "Honey-pot, all that happened was that Isobel called, then I called a cab and slipped downstairs to meet her." "Please!" "Please, don't!" "But, honey, it's all as innocent as Christmas." "We went out for a drink, sat and chewed the fat for a while, and then came home." "Now, you know all the rest." "All right, don't say any more." " I believe you." " Well, of course." "Now, that's my girl." "I know whatever else happened, you wouldn't lie to me." "Well, not on our anniversary." "(CHUCKLING)" "Next year, we're gonna have to walk eight miles." "And besides, I'll have to row you for two hours." "There's only five minutes of this anniversary left." "Don't you worry, honey-face, we're gonna have a million anniversaries." " STEVE:" "Honey?" " Yes, darling?" "STEVE:" "Just one little question." "What was that guy doing in his undershirt?" "SUSAN:" "He has to have his torso free when he shoots his bow and arrow." "What kind of an answer's that?" "He's the world's champion bow-and-arrower." "Okay." "You believed me." "I'll believe you." "(PHONE RINGING)" "SUSAN:" "I'll get it." "Hello?" "No, this is Mrs. Ireland." "What taxicab?" "Well, who ordered it?" "What time?" "Now, lookie here, lady." "Mr. Ireland ordered a cab at 8:30, and he ain't come out of the building." "Does he still want me to wait?" "No, but I do." "That's right." "Wait." "What was it?" "The end of the world." "Why, what do you mean?" "Who was it?" "A taxi driver." "A taxi driver?" "What was he doing, drumming up trade?" "So you were down in Isobel's apartment all evening?" "Oh, Susan, darling." "Lawyers ought to be on call in emergencies, like doctors." " Oh, please don't cry, dear." " (SOBBING) I'm not crying." "And if I am crying, it's because I think that 12:00 at night is a pretty rotten time to start my life over again." "Honey, dear." "Honey, darling." "Oh, honey, listen." "Now whom are you going to believe, me or some taxi driver that you've never even seen?" "They told me Mrs. Ireland was here." "Yes, Mr. Ireland." "She's with Mr. Renny now." "Susan." "Susan, where did you go?" "I've looked all over town for you." " I haven't wept a slink." " Really?" " Was it anything important?" " Important?" "I just told you I couldn't sleep." "Oh, I'm so sorry, Steve." "You should've taken a pill." "Oh, Susan, I realize that things look bad." "I mean, it must look to you as though I..." "Say, wait a minute, what are you doing here?" "I'm arranging with George to get a divorce." "Well, yes, but George is my lawyer." "My personal lawyer and my business lawyer." "Now, look here, George, if you help Susan divorce me, you'll lose my business and my business' business." "As a matter of fact, Steve," "I was just about to tell Susan I think she's being a little hasty." "Well, then what are you waiting for?" "Go ahead and tell her." " Susan, I think you're being a little hasty." " Hastier than you think." "I want you to file the papers and get going on things today." "Today?" "Isn't that a little soon?" "Unless you happen to think it's four years too late." "Well, I don't know quite what to say." "Say?" "Why, there's everything in the world to say." "Say that a divorce is something that you never stop regretting." "Let her know how many lives are wrecked by it." "Tell her that marriage is too important a thing to be broken up by a trifle." "Susan, marriage is too important a thing to be broken up by a trifle." "Have you any idea where I might find a lawyer with a mind of his own?" "Oh, Susan, darling, be reasonable." "Why do you come to a lawyer if you don't want to take his advice?" "I usually shop around until I find exactly the brand of advice I'm looking for." "Where shall I look next, George?" "Well, you might try Mulvaney, Mulvaney, Mulvaney and DeWest." " DeWest is very clever." " Thank you." "Oh, Susan, stop." "Oh, but, Susan, Susan, please don't go, I've got to talk to you." "All right, go ahead and talk." "Well, Susan, all I want to say is that circumstantial evidence, that's it, circumstantial evidence, that's what you're convicting me on." "Possibly." "But it was quite conclusive." "Yes, but darling, circumstantial evidence is unfair." "It..." "It doesn't take everything into account." "Oh, Susan, I don't love anyone in the world but you." "I'm sorry, Steve, but I'll never again believe anything you say." "GEORGE:" "Tough luck, Steve." "You should have been more careful." "George." "I can't let her divorce me." "We've got to find some way to stop her." "No can do, if she takes it to court." "Then my only chance is to talk her out of it." "And I could do it, too, if I just had a little time." "You didn't seem to make much headway just now." "No, but Susan never stays angry long." "Couldn't we keep her out of court just long enough for her to cool down?" "Well, won't two months be long enough?" "For that's how long it'll take to get this case on the calendar." "Oh, well, why didn't you say so?" "Two months!" "Oh, say, in two months I can talk Susan into anything." "Yes, sir." "In two months from now, we'll be looking back on this episode and laughing ourselves sick." "Sure." "Phew!" " Say, you haven't a little snifter, have you?" " Can do." "Pardon me, sir." "Senator Monrose is here to discuss the Morton contract." "You know, a person can't just disappear like smoke." "Shall I show the senator in?" "She's got to be somewhere." "Look, I'll be back in an hour." "But your appointments, Mr. Ireland." "What'll I tell them?" "Now, don't worry anymore, Mr. Ireland." "We'll find her, wherever she is." "We have operators in every city." "Yes, but what if she's left the country?" "She may be on a boat." "We'll still find her." "She'll have to land sometime, and our connections extend all over the world." "Put in calls to all our branch offices." "This is Jenifer in Miami." "No sign of her yet." "Lake Placid office." "Nothing doing on Mrs. Ireland." "San Francisco office." "Nothing yet." "We've checked all boats, planes and hotels." "No reservations in that name." " Not in Cleveland." " Not in Detroit." " Not in Cincinnati." " Not in Philadelphia." " Not in Tijuana." " Not in Palm Springs." " Not in Sun Valley." " Not in Reno." "(RINGING)" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, George." "What are you doing?" "Oh, just sitting here, stewing." "Haven't heard a word." "Say, look, do you think she's really going to show up in court tomorrow morning?" "She got back in town today." "She's here now at the Bristols' party." "She's here?" "At the Bristols'?" "Well, hurry up!" "No, I mean, hang up!" "I mean I..." "I'll be right over!" "Yes, sir." "Who shall I announce?" "Oh, yes, please." "Steve Ireland!" "Oh, good evening, Mrs. Bristol." "Lovely party." "I suppose you know I wasn't expecting you." "Oh, I hope you'll forgive my barging in this way, but..." "I'm sorry." "It's most untimely." "After all, poor Susan has suffered enough humiliation." "I only wanted to see her for a moment." "Just long enough..." "Under the circumstances, I think it's most unwise." " Hello, Steve!" " Oh, hello, George." "Good old George." "I was just telling Mr. Ireland that I..." " Mrs. Bristol, this is our dance." " Our dance?" "Yes, don't you remember?" "I've looked all over for you on the terrace." "I'm not quite divorced and besides..." "Hello, Susan." "Hello, Steve." "Oh, I..." "I didn't mean to interrupt, but could I speak to you alone for a minute?" "Of course." " Will you pardon me?" " MAN:" "Certainly." " Of course." " Of course." "...while the novice is inclined to use the wrong side of the bow." "Excuse me." "May I see you a moment, Ward?" " Mrs. Cooper, our dance!" " But..." "But Ward..." "I've been looking everywhere for you." "Goodbye." "Well!" "Isn't it unlucky for the groom to see the bride the night before the divorce?" "For two months I've been planning what I'd say to you, and now all I can think of is, I feel awful." "Do you, Steve?" "I rather hoped you would." "Well, you got your hope and a dividend." "I don't think even your mother would want me to feel this way." "That's interesting." "Go on, dear." "Tell me exactly how you feel." "Well, I can't sleep, and when I try to eat, I can't, because I've got a great, big, cold cannonball right here in the pit of my stomach." "And isn't your chest, sort of, full of sighs that you hope you can use up but find that you can't because there's always another one?" "Yes." "That's it." " That's good." " What's good about it?" "Oh, Susan, why do you want me to be this miserable?" "Because I don't want to be the only one." "Susan!" "It's only natural." " I expected to feel badly for a while." " Oh, but not that badly, honey-cake." " That's love." " Yes, I suppose it is." " Well, then, let's go home." " I can't." "There's no such word, dear." "There's no such thing as marriage based on deceit." "Steve, I begged you not to lie to me." "But I didn't lie to you." "Oh, Susan, please come back to me." "Darling, how can I come back to you when I don't even trust you?" "Steve, if you'd only be honest and admit that you lied, there's nothing I wouldn't forgive you, if you'd just give me a chance." "Darling, let's start over now with the truth." "All right, darling, if that's the way you feel about it, I'll confess." "I lied." "I was guilty." "You mean you were in Isobel's apartment that night?" " Yes, that's right." " And on our anniversary, too!" "Yes, but we're starting all over again, honey." "That's all past now." "I suppose it's perfectly all right because it's past." "What a despicable cheat you are!" "But honey-cake, I only said I was guilty because you said you'd forgive me if I..." "I don't care what I said." "I'll hate you for that for the rest of my life!" "Hello, what's the trouble here?" "Anything wrong, Susan?" "Oh, excuse us, but..." "Oh, it's you again." "I didn't recognize you with your clothes on." "Ward, take me home, please." " I ought to sock him in the nose." " Yeah?" "You and who else?" "Hey, Steve!" "Well, she's gone home with that bow-and-arrow guy." "Does he get into my hair." "For two months he's been in Arizona with Susan and Mrs. Cooper." "Recommended the place and followed right along." "He's doing all right." "Well, I'm not worried about him." "Now, look, George." "You've got to have this divorce case postponed." "Too late for that, Steve." "But Susan still loves me." "She told me." "She's bound to forgive me in a few days." " If you can only have the case postponed." " No can do." "Oh, of course you can." "Call up her attorney and offer him a bribe." "Anything." " What about getting to the judge?" " Oh, no can do." "And will you please stop saying that?" "You're driving me crazy." "Well, look, Steve..." "Say, that would do it." "What?" "If you..." "If you went crazy," "Susan couldn't divorce you for five years at least." "She couldn't?" "Why, even if you suggested symptoms of insanity, why, it would require the postponement of at least 30 days before they could find out if you were crazy or not." "Look." "I'm a teapot." "(WHISTLING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "Yeah, but you've got to be a crackpot to do you any good, and have witnesses." "I'm boiling over." "(STEVE WHISTLING)" "Where did you leave your parachute?" " I beg your pardon?" " Never mind." "You'll pry no information out of me, General Electric Whiskers!" "Oh, it's my English." "I get the joke so slow." "You must..." "My friend, you have lost your shoes?" "Not at all." "My feet were prisoners, locked up in these dungeons without food or water." "The enemy locked them up to keep them from talking, but they never said a word." "They were loyal." "So I set them free." "See how happy they are?" "Oh, happy little feet." "Happy little feet." "Shh!" "The enemy." "Fly away, feet." "Fly away." "Fly away, little feet." "Fly away, fly away, feet." "Fly away, feet." "Green is my favorite color." "Excuse me, sir, but them hats belong here." "My friend, I set you free." "Henceforward, you are a free man." " You can't free me, sir." "I was free now." " Don't be silly." "If I can't free you, then why am I Abraham Lincoln?" "Oh, excuse me, sir." "Red sails in the sunset." "Spread your pretty wings, and sail the Southern Seas." "You are free!" "Free!" "Hey, Steve, that's my hat." "Look!" "You see, the silk ones are happy because they are free." "But the felt ones are dead." "They sink." "I was too late to save them." " That's my $30 topper!" " There's mine over there, too." " I'll get a rake or something." " Boy, boy, are you having fun." "My hat, please." "I'm so sorry you couldn't stay longer, Dave." " It was so nice of you to come." " Thank you." "The gentleman's hat, Robert." "All the hats from one to 25 is gone, ma'am." " Gone?" "Where?" " That man took them." " What man?" " He said he was Abraham Lincoln." " That must be the same man!" " He took them out to the garden." "But Robert, why didn't you stop him?" "But ma'am, I don't know he wasn't Abraham Lincoln." "Oh, Robert!" "Hurry, hurry." "Please, get them out." "Stop that, Steve Ireland." "How dare you!" " Really, if this is your idea of a joke!" " But they were prisoners." " I had to set them free." " You're drunk." "Henry!" "I never drink while emancipating!" "They're free!" "Free!" "Man, man, he's high as a kite!" "I suppose you did this to show off for Susan." "Well, you've made a fool of yourself for nothing because she's gone home with that nice Ward Willoughby." " I hear voices." " Voices!" "Oh, stop that folderol, Stephen." "You haven't a chance to get Susan back." "What a disgrace!" " Yes, I do hear voices." " What are they telling you?" "They are telling me..." "Telling me to free her, too!" "I can't understand you doing a thing like this." "Why, it's positively disgraceful." "(SCREAMING)" "Save me!" "I crown you king of the hat freers." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Where is he?" "Where is he?" "How long will it take to get those back?" "Oh, I'll have these dry in 20 minutes, sir." "That's fine." "Bring me a big highball, will you?" "Are you sure you want another one, Mr. Lincoln?" "See that?" "He thinks I'm drunk." "That's what they all think." " They don't believe I'm crazy." " It's about 50-50." "No." "There's only one guy I think I've sold." " Who's that?" " Oh, I don't know." "Some old goat I met out there in the garden." " He looks like General Electric Whiskers." " Well, keep working." "I'll go down and start spreading some subtle propaganda." "You've got 20 minutes to think up a really good topper." "No, it's no use." "(SQUAWKING)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, no." "No." "Hey, that's no cracker, that's my watch." "Pretty Polly." "Come on." "That's a pretty Polly." "PARROT:" "Cracker!" "No, it's not a cracker." "It's a watch." "No, listen to me." "Here." "Look, my wife gave me that watch, Polly." "Come on, let me have it." "Let me have it." "Come on." "Easy now." "That's not a cracker." "Pretty Polly." "Come on, give it to me." "Hey!" "Hey." "Come here." "Polly!" "(PARROT SQUAWKING)" "Come on, Polly." "Pretty Polly." "Come here, Polly." "(EX CLAIMS)" "(THUDDING)" "(GUESTS LAUGHING)" "(PARROT GUFFAWING)" "Now, Mrs. Bristol, will you please tell the court exactly what happened then?" "At that point, I'm afraid I fainted." " I can't tell you any more." " Thank you, Mrs. Bristol." "Your witness." " DEWEST:" "No cross-examination." " Thank you." "I don't know what he expects to gain by acting like an idiot." " Isn't he always like that?" " Not exactly." "Your Honor, my client is suffering from a nervous breakdown brought on by overwork and worry and aggravated by his misunderstanding with the plaintiff." "I submit that he is not responsible for his actions at the moment." "He needs rest and quiet, and I therefore request an adjournment for 30 days." "If there's no objection from opposing counsel, the court orders an adjournment for 30 days." "There is an objection, Your Honor." "We have some testimony to offer on the subject." "Yes, Your Honor." "This is really a lot of nonsense." "If you have anything to say, Mrs. Ireland, you'll have to take the stand." "Do you solemnly swear the testimony you are about to give in the cause now pending before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" " I do." " Sit down, please." "Now, please state to the court in your own language your reasons for doubting that your husband is really ill." "Well, I just don't see anything unusual in the way he behaved last night." "It doesn't prove he's having a nervous breakdown." "He was just having a good time." "Do you mean that such behavior is usual with him?" "Now, look here, George, you know he's behaved that way often." "I told you about the time six months ago when we went to a party at Miami and Steve chewed up a phonograph record." "It was the hostess' favorite rumba." " Well, possibly he did it on a bet or a dare." " Not at all." "He said he was going to learn to do the rumba by taking it internally and he rumbaed all the way home." "May I suggest, Mrs. Ireland, that possibly marked the beginning" " of his nervous breakdown?" " George, you know very well that..." "Your Honor, I assure you, he's having no nervous breakdown." "Why, once on our honeymoon he put on a pair of overalls and dug a hole in the middle of Fifth Avenue." "GEORGE:" "Did he say why?" "SUSAN:" "He said he'd always been wanting to dig a hole in the middle of Fifth Avenue." "(GAVEL BANGING)" "Then you're saying, Mrs. Ireland, that your husband is periodically subject to these attacks?" "But they weren't attacks!" "They were just fun!" "You mean you were quite happy with your husband behaving this way?" "Well, why shouldn't I be happy with my husband behaving that way?" " Then why do you wish a divorce?" " Because I wasn't happy!" "I mean, because I wasn't happy." "It had nothing to do with Steve's attacks." " Then they were attacks?" " No." "They were just sort of private jokes." "Like on our last wedding anniversary when he wanted to have dinner backwards." "Dinner back..." "Pardon me, Your Honor." "Well, what's wrong with that?" "Didn't you ever eat dinner backwards?" " I lived a whole week backwards once." " Shh!" "Why did he want to have his dinner backwards?" "For a perfectly normal reason." "He didn't want to walk four miles and row on the river before dinner." "And was he afraid someone might make him do that?" "Oh, you don't understand." "That's the wedding ceremony of the Baffinland Eskimos." "Steve used to always say if we ever moved to Baffinland, we'd be properly married." "It's a joke, don't you see?" "He said a man can't be too careful." "(LAUGHS)" "Court orders this case adjourned for 30 days." "But why?" "You mustn't!" "I'm sorry, Mrs. Ireland, but I'm afraid your husband is in a doubtful mental condition." "Nothing serious, probably, but I want to investigate quietly for 30 days." "Your Honor, I swear this is just a trick to delay my divorce." "You mustn't let Steve make a fool of you." "Young lady, I can take care of myself." "But I want you to take care of me, too." "What happens to my divorce if you still don't like Steve's mind at the end of 30 days?" "Why, we might postpone for another short time." "Your Honor, it seems to me that I've heard of something called a Lunacy Commission." " Couldn't they help us?" " Yes, they could." " But you wouldn't want that." " If I did want it, could I have it?" "Oh, yes, you have the right to refer the matter to the Commission." "But think of the publicity." "I'm not worried about the publicity, because, you see," "I don't have to appear before the Lunacy Commission." "But Steve does." "First thing in the morning." "Thank you, Your Honor." " Lunacy Commission?" " Lunacy, schmoonacy!" "What's the difference?" "You've got your 30 days." "You've got nothing to fear from the Lunacy Commission." "Then why am I afraid?" "Look, the Lunacy Board is composed of competent alienists who know all about insanity." "They're doctors." "Suppose you broke your leg." "A doctor could tell you if it was broken or not." "Yeah, that's right, isn't it?" "Well, then everything's all right." "It's perfect!" "Good morning, Gentlemen." " Good morning." " Good morning." " Mr. Ireland?" " Oh, this is Mr. Ireland." "I'm his attorney." "Attorney?" "Sorry, but we don't allow legal representation at these hearings." "However, you may sit at the back if you don't take part in the proceedings." "Thank you." "Well, gentlemen, now I realize that I'm here to be examined, but that's merely because I am the victim of circumstances." "There's nothing the matter with me at all, so let's get this over with quickly, shall we?" "Well, it would save a lot of time for all of us." " STEVE:" "Yes." " Over here, please." "Oh." "Oh, yes, yes." "Well, now, gentlemen, what would you like to know?" "Now, Mr. Ireland, if you'll please put those pegs in the appropriate holes." "Oh, I see." "Square peg in square hole." "Round peg in round hole." "Square peg in square hole." "Round peg in..." "Well, a man would certainly be an idiot if he couldn't do this, wouldn't he?" "Oh, I suppose that's the point." "Well, there seem to be two missing." " That shouldn't be." " Here they are." "Good morning, gentlemen." "MAN:" "Good morning, Dr. Klugle." "MAN 2:" "Good morning, Dr. Klugle." "There we are." " Good morning." " Good morning." " Oh, haven't we met somewhere before?" " We have." "Yes." "Yes." "It was at..." "Holy Ike!" "You mustn't be upset at finding yourself here, Mr. Ireland." "We are your friends." "Oh, I'm not upset at all." "I..." "I just hope you won't be prejudiced about me." "Oh, my boy, my boy, not at all." "Now we are..." "How do you say?" "Old pals." " I see you were doing the peg game." " Yes." "Yes." "Oh, you can do better than that, huh?" "Oh, yes, that was just a slip of the tongue." "I mean of the hand." "The..." "The... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "A rather awkward mess, eh?" "But don't you worry, my son always mixes them up just like that." "Oh, your son a doctor, Doctor?" "No, not yet, my friend." "He's only three." " George, do something!" "That man's..." " Here, here, Mr. Ireland, we've told you that you're not allowed to speak to your lawyer." "I advise you not to do it again." "Mr. Ireland is the gentleman I told you about yesterday." "The one who set the hats free." "Uh-uh." "Do you remember the testimony at the trial, having dinner backwards?" "He certainly seems to have a split personality." " I think it's schizophrenia." " Probably, probably." "I think you're right, and I'll show you why I think you're right." "Will you stand, my boy?" "I want to show the gentlemen your medulla oblongata." "Turn around, please." "Profile." "You see, here and here and especially this development here." " Thank you." " But..." "But..." "But just a moment." "Gentlemen, if you'd only give me half a chance, I could clear up everything." "Of course, Mr. Ireland." "There's a perfectly logical explanation for everything I've done." "I've been pretending to be insane to keep my wife from divorcing me." "The whole thing was just an act to get my wife back." "Of course, Mr. Ireland." "You gentlemen have read the record of the divorce case." "The Eskimo marriage ceremony, eating the phonograph record..." "All that was before he and his wife separated, so it certainly wasn't to get his wife back." "And then there was that nasty episode in the garden." "What about your jumping off the balcony au naturel, as it were?" "Oh!" "Well, I was trying to get my watch back." " Trying to get your watch back?" " Yes, the..." "The thing flew up into a tree." " It was roosting there." " Roosting in the tree?" "Certainly!" "It sat there talking its face off." " Schizophrenia!" " Schizophrenia, yourself!" "We did have a long conversation." "Ask the parrot!" "He..." "Gentlemen, is there anyone who disagrees with the verdict?" "Verdict?" "What verdict?" "Just a minute, Doctor, you can't declare this man insane." " I demand another hearing." " Look here, I'll go to the Mayor!" "I'll go to the Governor!" "The President!" "I'll get your job for this, you old beaver-puss!" "If there is any change in Mr. Ireland's condition, you can have a new hearing in six months." " Six months?" " Six months?" " Have Mrs. Ireland come in, please." " Now, look here!" "He will be placed in the custody of Mrs. Ireland, and it will be up to her..." "Mrs..." "Mrs..." "I'll be placed in the..." "I'll be with my wife?" "Yes." "And sometimes he seems almost sane." "Come in." "Mrs. Ireland, I have some very tragic news for you." "Your husband has just been declared insane." "Declared insane?" "Steve, you fool!" "Oh, Susan, I tried to tell them that I'm all right." "Stop it!" "Stop that acting, you lunatic!" "Steve, act sensibly and show them you're sane." "You've got to!" "You can't ruin your life this way." "I know this must be a terrible shock to you." " Won't you sit down?" " Do you really call yourself a doctor?" "How can you let him fool you like this?" "My dear young lady, no one has been fooled." " Steve, don't you realize that..." " Susan!" "No one has been fooled but you." "That man is a friend of Stephen's." " Which man?" " Him." "I saw them together at the Bristol party." "They were thick as thieves." " Are you sure?" " Positive." "I bet Stephen was bribing him at the time." "That must be it." "I never thought he'd go that far." "Mrs. Ireland, would you come this way, please?" " It is necessary that you sign this paper." " What is it?" "Your consent to take your husband into your custody." " Into my custody?" " Yes, that's the law, Mrs. Ireland." "You see, your divorce is now postponed for at least five years." "But..." "I see." "Doctor." "Is it the law that I have to keep him with me all the time?" "Yes, unless you wish to put him in a sanitarium, or some such institution." "Could you recommend some institution?" "Dr. Wuthering has a lovely place in the country." "But you would probably both be happier if you kept him home with you." "Yes." "That's the second time you've been wrong this morning, Doctor." " Stephen, darling." " Yes?" "How would you like to go to the country?" "Oh, I'd just love to go to the country, Susan." "That would be wonderful!" "Here we are, Mr. Ireland." "Come on." "Say..." "Say, wait a minute." "Do you fellows want to make $100 apiece?" "Just get me to a telephone." "Mr. Ireland, I had a man in here a month ago was going to give me a billion dollars just because I was so pretty." "Do you know I never got a dime of it?" "Hey, Doc." "This is Mr. Ireland, Doctor." " How do you do, Mr. Ireland." " How do you do." "Dr. Wuthering is waiting for you." "Will you step this way, please?" "This is the new patient, sir, Mr. Stephen Ireland." "How do you do, Mr. Ireland." "Please sit down and talk awhile." "Oh, I'll talk all right." "I'm just busting to talk." " What about?" " Oh, anything that comes into your mind." "Things you like, dreams you've had, anything at all." "Now, look, Doctor." "Of course, I realize that you've got your mind made up about me, but I'm going to make just one more try." "Now, you're not a quack, you're a real doctor." "You know a nut when you see one." "All right!" "Give me a test." "Give me any test, and if you still think that I'm insane, well, you'll be right, because that would drive me nuts." "This is most interesting." "Give me Weber, Volume 3." "Well, aren't you going to give me a chance?" "We are going to give you every chance, Mr. Ireland." "We are going to find the root of your trouble and eradicate it." "No, not this one." "Case 116." "The one who threatened to sue because his outboard motor wouldn't run on Thousand Island dressing." "May I come in?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor." "I didn't know you were in consultation." " I'll see you in 10 minutes, Miss Landis." " Thank you, Doctor." "I promise you, Mr. Ireland, we are going to rehabilitate you here." "You will suffer, yes." "But ultimately you will find yourself and emerge recreated, cured." "Look, Doctor." "Don't you think it's just possible that a mistake may have been made in my case?" "Stand up, my boy." " Turn around, profile." " I won't!" "See, I was right." "Weber says they never turn around." "Well, that's all, Mr. Ireland." "Please wait outside in the garden, and I'll have the houseman show you to your room." " If he can find me." " He'll find you all right." "How do you do." "I'm Cecilia Landis." " How do you do." " You'll be in my charge while you're here." " Well, that's swell." " I hope we'll make you very happy." " Is there anything we can do for you?" " No." "And, Miss Landis, please don't humor me." "This whole thing is a farce." "I..." "Now, look!" "I'm no more insane than you are." "Believe me!" "I've got to get out of here." "I'll give you $1,000 if you'll help me." "In cash?" "Well, I'll have to give you a check, but you can trust me." "All right, I will trust you." "And just to prove that you can trust me, I'll give you my collection to sleep with." "Everything that's not nailed down belongs to me." " Congress passed a law in 1935." " Yeah, but..." "I just got these today." "Careful!" "They belong to him." "Say, Mister!" "I'm Jerry the houseman." "If you just follow me, I'll show you where you sleep." "Hey!" " Say, you!" " Well!" "What are you doing in my car?" "Is Susan here?" "Where is she?" "She has an appointment with the doctor, but she doesn't want to talk to you, so run back to your sand pile." "Hey, Ireland." "(BABBLING)" "(LAUGHING)" "SUSAN:" "Dr. Wuthering, please don't get excited." "Unfortunately, it does excite me to be asked to abandon 32 years of medical experience for witchcraft." "Doctor, all I'm saying is I know Steve hates cold baths." "If you put him in a cold bath for 20 minutes, suddenly you'll see how sane he can be." " Madam, your husband is not sane." " Nonsense!" "Of course he is." "Well, perhaps you know better than I, you, a society woman who wants a change of husbands so badly that she's become an authority on mental disorders." "Doctor, it's just that I know what's behind all this." "I'm very sorry, madam, but I assure you your husband is, medically speaking, as nutty as a fruitcake." "For one thing, he is definitely a kleptomaniac." "Oh, that's impossible." "Well, every night we find his dresser drawers filled with other people's possessions that he's stolen." "I'm afraid he's getting progressively worse, depressed and melancholic." "It may even lead to self-destruction, suicide!" "Oh, Doctor, if that were the truth, I wouldn't leave him here another minute." "I'd take him home and nurse him night and day." "You see, you have me entirely wrong." "I would never have given up his custody if I thought he'd really had a nervous breakdown." "And if anything ever convinced me of that, I'd take him right back in my custody." "WUTHERING:" "Well, Mrs. Ireland, it might be better for him if you did take him home." "Hello, Susan." " Mr. Ireland, where did you get that fish?" " It's mine." "I always had it." "Don't you realize you're not supposed to take other people's property?" "I tell you it's mine." "I..." "I caught it." "It's a present for Susan." " I don't want it." " Please don't talk like that." "We never antagonize our friends here." "She likes your little present very much." " Then why doesn't she take it?" " She's going to." "Aren't you, Mrs. Ireland?" "All right." " Remind me to send you a bird in return." " Yes, I will." " Darling, could I have a kiss?" " Certainly you may." " Not you, her." " That's what I meant." "No." "That's where I put my foot down." "Is this such an unusual request for a husband to ask of his wife?" " Really now, Mrs. Ireland!" " Well, if you think it..." "Oh, darling, that makes my head feel so much better." " Could I have another?" " No!" "Mrs. Ireland, I wish you would cooperate." "We never frustrate our patients here." "But I didn't frustrate him once." "Why do I have to not frustrate him again?" "Darling!" "I'm going to get out of here." "The rules are too one-sided." "Mrs. Ireland, please, come back here." "There's a crazy man in this room, all right, and it isn't Steve." "WARD:" "Hey, Ireland!" "You shouldn't have walked under that ladder." "Don't you know it's unlucky?" "(WARD LAUGHING)" "Come here." "I've got a message for you from Susan." "Susan just wanted me to tell you that she's leaving for Arizona tomorrow unless you arrange for a new hearing right away." "How can I?" "Well, you bribed Klugle once." "Bribe him again." " But I didn't..." " Oh, now listen, Ireland." "I know that you wouldn't have got yourself into a mess like this unless you could get out anytime you wanted to." "What's more, Susan agrees with me." "Listen, you fake Hiawatha, one of these days" "I'm going to spread you around like warm butter." "It's all right with me if you want to be stubborn." "Personally, I like Arizona." " What?" " Yeah." "Hey, wait a minute!" "Wait a minute." "Let me think this over." "I'll give you five minutes." "Holler when you've made up your mind." "I'll get in a few archery exercises." "(HOLLERING)" " Why can't I play Indians any more?" " But you can." " You can play Indians all you want." " No, I can't." "Hiawatha ran away, the gardener left the gate open." " What's that?" " Yes, there's Hiawatha." "He sneaked out." "Eddie, Sam, come on, quick!" "Come along, buddy." "We're going back inside." "Hey, what's the idea?" "Let go of my arm." "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" "Wait!" "Wait a minute." "You fellows are making a terrible mistake." " Do you know who I am?" " I know." "You're Hiawatha." " You framed me." " Now, wait a minute." "Oh, out of my way!" "I'm getting out of here." "Now, take it easy, or we'll have to give you a shot." "Who's running this place?" "I want to talk to him." "Just a moment, sonny." "You were sent out in this yard to rest." "Now, unless you do it, we're gonna have to put you in solitary." "Somebody's gonna suffer for this." "(BABBLING)" "Let me go, just for a second, will you, fellows?" " Hiawatha, where are we going?" " Keep quiet!" " If you make a sound, I'll..." " Don't be foolish." " This is just what I've been looking for." " Oh, no." "Nothing doing." " You're staying here." " Okay." " All right, all right." "All right." " Well, that's different." "Now, let's see how we can work this out." "Look, you stand on the net and hold it taut while I climb up, and then I'll pull you up." " What do you mean?" "Like this?" " No, no, not that way, it'll slip." "Put your foot through the hole." " Like that?" " Yeah." "Now wrap the net around it." " Oh, I get you." "Like that, huh?" " That's fine." "That's swell." "Look here." " Now grab this." " All right, hold it." "Now, here we go!" " Come on!" "Come on!" "Speed it up, will you?" " Just a sec!" "Who's that?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "I'm caught!" "Hey, my foot!" "Hey!" "Wait!" "Hey!" "You wait, you..." "You dirty double-crosser!" "Hey, Jim!" "Come on." "This guy's trying to hang himself." "Oh, I'm choking." "I'm sorry, Mr. Ireland, but from now on I have to confine you to your room." "After all, you did try to kill yourself." "Doctor, I didn't try to kill myself." "I was just trying to keep a man from escaping." "What man?" "Well, I don't know who he was." "See!" "No one ever escaped from here." "That's impossible." " Take him to his room." " Look!" "No, no, just a minute." "Look, Doctor." "Will you come with me?" "Let me show you exactly what he did." "All right." "Come along." "Be back in a few minutes if someone should call." "Yes, sir." "Yeah, and then he..." "He climbed up, just like this." " I see, just like that." " Yes." "And then the next thing he did..." " Are your feet still in the holes, Doctor?" " Yes, yes." "I haven't moved yet." "Well, Doctor, he..." "He leaned down like this and..." " Oh, who's that, Doctor?" " Yes?" "Oh!" "Help!" "Hey!" "(WUTHERING SHOUTING)" "Doctor, did you ever see anything like this in all your 32 years of medical experience?" "Help!" "Hey!" "Come here!" " Hello, Mr. Ireland." " Hello, Joe." "(POLICE SIREN WAILING)" " The police are after someone." " Yeah." "Well, let's go, Joe." " Yes, sir." " I'm in a hurry." "Doctor, when you find Steve, will you bring him to me?" "I'm not going to send him back to the rest home." "Sorry, Mrs. Ireland, he must come back." " But why?" "He's in my custody." " Not anymore." " You see, he tried to kill Dr. Wuthering." " He what?" "We now regard him as definitely homicidal." " Homicidal?" " Unfortunately." "And it's against the law to allow private custody in such cases." "Much too dangerous." "That's why the police are coming." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Pardon me." "That should be the police now." "Hello." "Hello, Doctor, this is Sergeant Payson." "Ireland got in about two minutes ago." "I posted men at all the exits." "We're ready to start searching now." "Very well, Sergeant." "We'll leave you in charge." "We're going back to the sanatorium." "He's in the building, Mrs. Ireland." "But don't worry, the police are here." "They have every exit covered." " They'll catch him soon." " Goodbye, Mrs. Ireland." " Come, Doctor." " Goodbye, Mrs. Ireland." " Good evening, Mr. Ireland." " Good evening, Tom." "Oh, isn't Mr. Willoughby home?" " It doesn't seem so, sir." " Oh, let me take that in for you." " I just came down to borrow some ice." " Oh, thank you, sir." "(DOOR OPENING)" "Why, you..." " Steve." " Isobel." "Could you hide me someplace?" "The cops are after me." "PINKY:" "I got the clippings on my Chicago exhibit." "I can't." " Pinky's here." "He's in the shower." " PINKY:" "They stank to high heaven." "If he finds you here, he'll kill you." "Oh, that's lovely, dear." " Oh, here he comes." " PINKY:" "What do you mean, lovely?" " I'm a dead duck." " But I said, "Not so lovely," dear." "Hey, Mrs. Grayson, did Steve Ireland come in here?" " Why, of course not." " I'm sorry." "WARD:" "Hey, officer, he's down on this terrace." "I just saw him." " Hey, what goes on here?" " Nothing, dear." "Well, who were you talking to?" "I just heard a man's voice in here." "Oh, that was somebody at the window." "It was about a man they were looking for." "Well, why would they be looking for a man in your apartment?" "You there!" "What are you doing on my terrace?" "WARD:" "We're looking for a homicidal maniac." "ISOBEL:" "A homicidal maniac, why, that's silly!" "There is nothing silly about a homicidal maniac." "Oh, wait, dear." "Where are you going?" " I'm going to take my shower." " But you just took your shower." "Didn't start yet." "Just washed my hair." "I've got to get this soap out." "Oh, but don't leave me." "I..." "I'm afraid." " Well, come on in with me, then." " Let's go in my bathroom." "I'll get all the soap out with my spray." "It's much better for your scalp." "Now, look, for 40 years I've washed my head under a shower." "It works, and I like it." " But Pinky, I..." "Wait!" "Wait!" " What?" "I..." "I guess I'm just nervous." "(GASPS)" "What's the matter?" "Oh, Pinky, I..." "I'm sure I heard something out there." "You'd better go and look and see what it is." "Well, I didn't hear anything." "You're just jumpy, that's all." "Yes, I am." "You'd think these apartments would give you hot water when you..." "Ow!" "There it goes!" "All of a sudden." "Pinky!" "Pinky, wait." "That's much too hot." "There, that's better." "It's nice and tepid." "But I don't want it nice and tepid." "I want it hot." "I'm tired and I want a red-hot shower." "Do you mind?" "No, I don't mind, Pinky, but it isn't good for you." "Will you please go outside and let me take my shower?" "Hey!" "Oh, get me a towel." "Get me..." "Isobel, get me a towel." "The soap's in my eyes." "Help!" "Oh, thank you, darling." " Steamed pudding." " They said you were a maniac." " What have you been up to?" " Had an argument with my wife." " Steve, did you kill her?" " Kill her?" "Of course not!" "I'll..." "I'll tell you about it later." " Hello, Officer." "Have you found him yet?" " Not yet, ma'am." "We're searching all the apartments." "Get to yours in a little while." "Good." "Come on!" "You'll have to hide in my room." "PINKY:" "Isobel, will you bring me some dry towels?" "Go on!" "I'll find some way to get you out!" "Yes, dear." "COP:" "I wouldn't stand out there, sir." "If that nut is above you, he might drop something" " down on top of you." " WARD:" "He might at that." "Say, officer, be sure and let Mrs. Ireland know as soon as you find him." "Will do that, sir." "Nothing yet, but they're bound to glom onto him any minute." "Ward, do you think Steve has a chance to get to me?" "Not a prayer, so don't worry about it." " I'm not worried." "I want him to come here." " What?" "Don't tell me you fell for that homicidal maniac stuff." "No, but those doctors have, and I don't understand why." "I want to talk to him." "Don't do it, Susan." "He cooked up this party, let him stew in his own juice." "Ward, don't argue." "Help me." "Get the police off his track." "Take them to the wrong apartment, anything." "Give Steve a chance to get to me." "Please, Ward." " Yeah, but I..." " Please!" "Oh, all right, Susan." "I'll see what I can do." "Pinky, do you mind if I don't go with you tonight?" "Of course I mind." "What's the matter?" "Are you sore because I asked you to tie my tie?" "Oh, Pinky." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Say, what's the matter with you tonight?" "Acting like a cat on hot bricks!" "The police are ready to search your apartment now, Mr. Grayson." "Well, what for?" "They were in here a half an hour ago." " No one's come in here since." " Sorry, sir." " But we can't take any chances." " Well, we're going out very soon." "Why don't you search somewhere else first?" " What about that apartment over there?" " Well, that's mine." "He ran out of there a half an hour ago." "Then I'll bet you a hat that's where he is now." "They always double on their tracks." "They're very clever, you know." " Maybe she's right." " Come on, we'll have a look." " Come on, Pinky, let's watch the fun." " What fun?" "Go on and get your coat." " We're late now." " Oh, Pinky." "I want to see him captured." "Oh, all right." "Maybe they'll shoot." "All right, folks." "Back to your apartments now, please." "Isn't it terrible!" "A couple of you boys better search the bedroom and the terrace." "All right, boys." "Somebody's been here." " Anything?" " No." " See anything back there, boys?" " Nobody here." "He's not here." "Come on across the hall." "I better lock the back door." "We don't want him doubling back here later." "All right." "Come on, men." "Well." " Oh, miss, have they found him?" " No, not yet." "Do you think they will find him?" "Yes, they'll find him, if he doesn't get out of here." "Yes, how true." "Yes, madam." "The Ireland apartment's on the 12th floor." " Oh, yes, thank you." " Madam, if you'll excuse me," "I don't think Mrs. Ireland is receiving any visitors." "Oh, but I'm not a visitor." "I'm a member of the family." "Oh, sure, I see the resemblance." "I'll bet you're his mother, aren't you?" "I beg your pardon." "I'm his sister." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to make such a dumb remark." " Quite all right, quite all right." " My name's Willoughby, Ward Willoughby." " How do you do." " Look, Ward, let's help them find Steve." " I'd like to show her up to 12A." " No, no, no, no." "I know the way." "That is, I can find it." "The 12th, please." "Oh, it's no trouble at all." "You know, you look awfully familiar." "Haven't we met somewhere?" "No, no, I was never there." "Going up!" "Going up!" "She's very nervous." "She wants to be alone." "The least I can do is show her to the apartment." " Yes, but..." " Up, boy!" "Up!" "That's the screwiest old dame I ever saw." "Maybe Steve is nuts." " Oh, you can't go in there, lady." " Oh, it's all right, officer." " I'm the unfortunate man's sister." " Okay, ma'am." "Yes?" "Is there something you wanted?" " Susan." " Steve!" " Susan." " Oh, wait!" " What in the world are you doing in that?" " Susan, I'm in a terrible jam." "Well, I know, but what are you trying to prove?" "But they're..." "They're after me with guns." "Look, I'm a homicidal maniac." " So I hear but I don't believe it, personally." " No, of course not." "But they believe it, and if they catch me, well, I'll be sitting in a padded cell in a straitjacket from now on." "Steve, you might have known something like this would happen." "I still can't understand why you..." "Susan, are you going to quarrel with me now?" "I've had the most terrible time just trying to get to you." "I've been chased, scalded, drowned..." "Look, I even had to shave off my mustache." " Doesn't that prove I love you?" " Perhaps, but it..." "It doesn't prove why you didn't use that taxicab the night of our anniversary." "But that..." "Darling, I forgot about it." "I told you that all we did was to walk over to a little bar and have a drink." "I spent the whole evening talking about you." "Honest, darling, I completely forgot that we had a taxi waiting." " I wish I could believe that." " Well, then, why don't you believe it?" "Oh, look, honey cake, you hide me somewhere until the cops leave the building, and then tomorrow morning we'll hop on a plane and fly to Canada." "George can pull some wires and straighten out this lunacy business while we're having a second honeymoon, Susan, a wonderful second honeymoon." " All right, I'll do it." " Oh, darling." "No, no." "I mean, I'll hide you." " You'll go to Canada alone." " But, Susan... (KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "That's his voice." "You better..." "You better go in there." "And be very quiet." "Where is he, Susan?" "Where is he, in there?" " Where's who?" " Steve." "We heard his voice." "He is here, isn't he?" "I seem to recall asking you not to look for him." "Now, Susan, I'm not going to let Steve put this over on you, no matter what you say." " Later on you'll thank me for it." " Come on, officer." "Officer, stay right where you are unless you have a search warrant." "Oh, now Susan, be reasonable." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Susan!" "Dear me." "I've been so frightened." "I've just heard Steve escaped." " Are you all right?" " Of course I'm all right." "Why wouldn't I be?" "(EX CLAIMS)" "Oh, I..." "I beg your pardon, madam." " Oh, dear." "How you frightened me." " I'm sorry." "Oh, it's..." "It's..." "It's quite all right, Officer." "I realize that you were..." "You were just doing your duty." " We were looking for a maniac." " Oh, yes, yes, but it might be a very good idea if you got into the habit of knocking when coming into a room." "It might have been a very embarrassing incident for both of us." " Excuse me, please." " That's quite all right." "Susan, you didn't tell me that you had company." "Well, I was trying to keep them from disturbing you." " Oh, but..." " I..." "I'd like to introduce..." "Oh, it's no disturbance at all." "I'm always happy to meet friends of my brother, Stephen's." "My mother and Mr. Willoughby." " How do you do." " Oh, yes, we've met." " Yes, how do you do." " Yes." "So you're Susan's mother." "I'm just ever so..." "Well, just..." "Just ever so..." "Stephen's sister?" "Oh, yes, I remember, from Saskatchewan." "Yes, that's right." "From Saskatchewan." "Madam, do you mind if we search the rest of the apartment?" "Yes, I do mind." "Now will you stop snooping around and get out of here?" "Well, okay, lady, but if that nut shows up around here and kills you, don't blame the police department." "Come on, Dick." "Kills you?" "Whatever's going on here?" "Susan won't tell us where Steve is hiding." " But you don't know, do you, dear?" " She sure does." "We heard his voice in here not five minutes ago." "Will you give me one good reason why this is any business of yours?" "It's anybody's business who likes you to keep you from making a fool of yourself." "SUSAN:" "Really?" "I still think it's none of your business." " Suppose I want to make a fool of myself?" " Now, now, dear." "It's only natural that you should have a weakness for Stephen, but you'll never be happy until you've fought it and conquered it." "WARD:" "Your mother's absolutely right, Susan." "Steve double-crossed you once and he'll do it again if you give him the chance." " Your garter!" " What?" "Oh, nothing." "I was just asking Miss Ireland to pardon you." "You're being very rude talking like this in front of Steve's sister." "WARD:" "Gee, I'm sorry, I..." "I didn't mean to be rude, Susan, honest." "But if a thing's true, I just go ahead and say it." "MRS. COOPER:" "You're perfectly right." "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs." "WARD:" "That's right." "I'm sorry if I offended you, miss, but it's not my fault if Steve's a stinker." "A stinker?" " Now, see here, Mr..." " Willoughby." "Ward Willoughby." "Mr. Willoughby." "I've heard just about enough from..." "WARD:" "What's the matter?" "MRS. COOPER:" "Are you feeling ill?" " What is it?" " Well, I..." "I don't know." "I don't feel any pain, but I can't straighten up." "Lumbago!" "That's exactly the way it gets you." "Now come on inside, and I'll take off your clothes." " Oh, no!" "I wouldn't do that." " Oh, no!" "Oh, but you'll be so much more comfortable." "Oh, no!" "I'm quite comfortable, thank you." "I'm sure that I'll be all right." "(GARTER SNAPPING)" "Holy Moses!" "What was that?" "Oh, I guess it was just my spine." " Are you all right?" " Oh, yes, yes, I..." "I feel fine now." "I think." "Say, I just thought..." "Miss Ireland's been in here all the time." "You must know where Steve is, too!" " Well, suppose I do?" " Well, you better spill it." "Well, indeed!" "You want me to call the cops?" "They'll make you talk." "How dare you threaten me!" " Take it easy!" " Oh, dear." "I'm so sorry." " Pardon my hot temper." " Well..." "You can't blame Miss Ireland for trying to defend her own brother." "Well, it's my duty." "After all, Stephen is my own flesh and blood." "He certainly is." "I'll tell you what Steve really is, if you want to know." "Never mind, Ward, I'm not interested in your opinion." "Oh, but I am, dear." "Go on, sir, tell me about Steve." "He's a fake, and a cheat and a bad sport." "(EX CLAIMS)" " Hey!" " Oh, oh, dear." "How embarrassing." "I'm so impulsive." " I got a good mind to let you have..." " Ward!" "What are you thinking of?" "Well, what ever it was, I'm still thinking of it." "My dear Miss Ireland, you do have a hasty temper." "Oh, dear." "All our family are like that." "You know, Stephen once nearly killed three men with his bare hands." " How horrible." " What were they, pygmies?" " You mean you doubt my word?" " I mean somebody's a liar, maybe it's Steve, maybe it's you." "I don't know." "Why, if I were a man, I'd knock you down for that." " Oh, dear!" "There I go again!" " Oh, my goodness." "Oh, I'm so ashamed." "But I was never so insulted, really, flying 2,000 miles to be called a liar right to my face." "(SOBBING)" "Oh, Miss Ireland." "Please don't be upset." "We're..." "We're all so..." "So excited, we hardly know what we're doing." "Why, Susan, what..." " Her slip was showing." " Oh, thank you, dear." "You know, Miss Ireland is really crying." " Gracious, but she's easily hurt." " She's easily hurt!" "Say!" " Look here, Miss Ireland..." " Ward!" "Apologize, or leave this apartment immediately." " Apologize?" " Yes!" "Well, all right, I apologize, Miss Ireland." "I take my hat off, too." "I'll bet you can lick any dame in the world!" " Susan, come here and sit down." " Yes, Mother." "I want you to be honest with your mother." "Did you hide Stephen?" "She sure did!" "I tell you, I heard his voice!" "Oh, I know what you must have heard, Mr..." "The name's Willoughby, Ward Willoughby." "Then, Mr. Willoughby, it was the phonograph." " No, there wasn't any music." " STEVE:" "Oh, yes, yes, there was." "It just doesn't carry as well as the voice." "No, no, that isn't what I heard." "It was Steve's voice, I tell you." "SUSAN:" "Ward, would you like to search the apartment?" "WARD:" "I certainly would." " Go ahead." " All right, I will." "Really, Susan, protecting Stephen after all he's done to you!" "I'm surprised that you have no more pride." "But, Mrs. Cooper, I really think Susan is perfectly right to protect Stephen if she loves him." "SUSAN:" "I don't love him." "MRS. COOPER:" "I'm glad to hear that." "I just don't want Stephen hunted and hounded like a common criminal when all he's done is..." "Is..." "Is tried to prevent you from divorcing him, any crazy way he could, just because he loves you too much to let you go." "I don't know where he could have got to." "Miss Ireland, I don't think that you realize..." "Mother, I don't like to be rude, but I wish you and Ward would leave." "I don't want to discuss this any more tonight." "I'm afraid Miss Ireland is a dangerous influence." "She's so prejudiced in Stephen's behalf." "Mrs. Cooper, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not really very fond of Steve, are you?" "Frankly, no!" "I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't admit it." "SUSAN:" "Oh, Mother, you don't really mean that." "MRS. COOPER:" "I certainly do!" "I've told you many times how I feel about him." "Miss Ireland, if you'd been watching this marriage night after night as I have, you'd know what was wrong." "Oh, indeed?" "Well, perhaps that's the root of all the trouble." "MRS. COOPER:" "And just what do you mean by that?" "You have more influence with Susan than you realize, Mrs. Cooper." "Perhaps even more than she realizes." "SUSAN:" "Oh, look, that's enough!" "I have a mind of my own, and I'm perfectly capable of running my own life!" "Excuse me." "I'll be right back." "Everybody stay right where you are." "Sorry." "I'll be right back." "Good heavens." "What a stupid place for a rug." "Sergeant, come on, quick!" "I know where he is!" " You do?" " He's up in his apartment." "Wait a minute." "The guards from the rest home are here." "We'll get them." " How'd you happen to find him?" " Hey, take a look." "Over here, boys, and step on it." "This guy's got him located." "What?" "Wait a minute." "You know who that guy is?" "Only that he's been helping us." "Well, he could help you out a lot more, because that's him." " What?" " Sure." "He climbed over the fence this afternoon." "Eddie and me hauled him back ourselves." " You sure of that?" " I'm sure." "I should have guessed it." "All right, boys, split up." "Hurry up, fellows, before he gets away." " Hey!" "Hey, what's the idea?" " Pretty smart, huh, fella?" "Wait a minute!" "My name's Willoughby, Ward Willoughby!" "STEVE:" "Well, there's only one thing that's important to me, Mrs. Cooper." "MRS. COOPER:" "And may I know what that is?" "Yes, Susan and Stephen belong to each other." "Up to two months ago, they were happy." "I'm certain of that." "I see." "You're certain." "Well, if you'll pardon me for saying so, you seem so exasperatingly certain of everything." "The more I hear of your opinions, the more you sound like Stephen." "I can't understand how you can come down here for the first time and be so full of convictions about things you've never seen." "Oh, it isn't a matter of opinions, Mrs. Cooper, it's..." "It's a woman's intuition." " You either feel it, or you don't." " Oh, bosh!" "I feel it." "I feel it right here." "Do you?" "Well, I..." "I did." "You feel this and you feel that." "Anyone to hear you talk would think you were the only woman in the world with feelings." "Well, if you'll excuse me." "I..." "I think I'll retire now." "I don't quite feel up to form." " Good night." " Good night." "No, no." "Not in there." "That's my room." "Your room is down there, Miss Ireland." "The guest room." "Oh, dear." "I was hoping to sleep in there." "For some reason I feel drawn to that room." "I do so love a southern exposure." "Well, if you go in my room, you'll get another kind of exposure." " Well, I wouldn't want that." " I thought not." "I hope you'll be comfortable in here, Miss Ireland." "Susan, dear, if you get lonely during the night," "I do hope you'll feel free to come to me." "I'll leave the door unlocked." "You'll find I can be just as comforting as Stephen." "Come here, Susan." "You know, I don't like her any more than I do Stephen." "No, I'm not going to leave you under that woman's influence." " I'm spending the night here." " Oh, but, Mother, you..." "No, you'll have to go back to your apartment." " There won't be room for you." " Nonsense." "You go to bed, dear." " I'll bunk in with your guest." " Oh, no, Mother!" "No, you two would just fight all night." "I've made up my mind to sleep in this house." "I'm going in there, so please don't try to stop me." "Really, Mother!" "I ought to let you." "Of course you ought to let me." "Imagine the nerve of that woman defending Stephen to us." "I'd like to hear her explain what Steve was doing that night he was out with Mrs. Grayson." "I don't think you'll ever convince Miss Ireland" " there was anything wrong in that." " I'll convince her." "After all, I saw them with my own two eyes." " You what?" " As I was leaving the building," "I saw them walking along the street as bold as you please." "You saw them walking along the street?" " Along the street?" " Yes." "Well, well, then he..." "He wasn't in her apartment!" "You saw them walking along the street, and you never told me?" "Why should I?" "You knew he was with her." "Why, why, yes, of course I did." "Of course I did!" "Look, Mother, you sleep in my room tonight." "Believe me, it'll be much better." "And..." "And, Mother..." "Mother, look, I'm going to take Miss Ireland back to Saskatchewan in the morning." "Back to..." "Honestly, Susan, you're so confused tonight." "Mother, go to bed, and don't worry." "I'm not confused any longer." "Well, all right, but I hope you get a good night's sleep." "(CHUCKLES)" "(KNOCKING)" "STEVE:" "Yes?" "Oh, come right in, Susan." "All right, hold your horses." "Just a minute." "(RINGING)" "SUSAN:" "Hello." "Oh, hello, Ward." "Hello, Susan." "Listen, the nuthouse people picked me up." "They think I'm Steve." "Would you send somebody down to..." "Hey!" "Who is this?" "What are you doing there?" "(STEVE BABBLING)" "English" " SDH"