"# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# There is nothing we can do" "# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# We just have to face it, this time we're through" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "A-ha!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Welcome." "Welcome to..." "Shh!" "Welcome to "Knowing me, Knowing You" with me, Alan Partridge." "It's a chat show, Jim, but not as we know it." "(DRUMBEAT)" "Well, it's official." "This show is a smash hit sensation, a corking copper-bottomed hit." "Those aren't my words." "They are the words of Mike Taylor from "TV Quick"." "Of course, there have been some dissenting voices." "The clever-clog papers - "Independent", "Telegraph"," ""Guardian", "Mail On Sunday" - they've been a bit sniffy." "One review caught my eye." "Philip Parsons in the "Times" called this show moribund." "Well, I looked up "moribund" in my dictionary, and it said, "Moribund: adjective - about to die or dying."" "I ask you, is this show about to die?" " (AUDIENCE) No!" " Thank you." "So, Mr Parsons from "Behind The Times"... (DRUMBEAT)" "..that proves that you are wrong." "The show is very much alive...and live, because tonight I bring you another TV chat show first, as I, Alan Partridge, will allow myself to be strapped to a spinning wheel of death and have knives thrown at me." "Is that moribund?" "No." "No, you don't shout that." "Please welcome my un-moribund merry band, my house band, Glenn Ponder and Debonair!" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Debonair." "A-ha." "A-ha." " Glenn, I hear you're looking for a house." " That's right." "I bought a house in Mayfair for $500." " Really, Alan?" " Yes." "I was playing Monopoly!" "(DRUMBEAT)" "Um..." "But seriously, Glenn." "you are looking for somewhere." " Yeah." " Whereabouts are you looking?" " Chiswick area." " Yeah." "Chiswick." "Nice." "Glenn Ponder and Debonair!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Was that chat moribund?" "I don't think so." "Now, my first guest is intelligent, witty, a woman of the world, with a figure that would stop the traffic dead on the M1 if she were to wiggle across the footbridge at Toddington Services." "She's a quality guest from top to bottom and back up again." "Please welcome the new agony aunt from "Playboy" magazine - stay tuned - the very lovely Daniella Forest." "(DEBONAIR) # Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight" "# Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?" "# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight #" "Ah!" "Isn't..." "Isn't she lovely?" "Eh?" "Yes." "Pwhit-pwhoo!" "Isn't she lovely?" "Um..." "Yes, I nearly forgot..." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Daniella Forest." "A-ha." " A-ha." " Ooh!" "Ooh, that's the sexiest a-ha I think I've ever had." "Oh, I forgot." "I normally kiss my guests when they first come on." "It's just a thing I do." "Not the men." "I give them a firm handshake." " Can we just do the kiss quickly?" " Oh, sure." "Where are you kissing me?" "Peachy cheek or little round mouth?" "Little round mouth." "Come on, then." "Kneel down." " Yes." " Right down." " Pop back in your seat." " Yes." "Um..." "Right." "Erm..." "Now, Daniella Forest, you are "Playboy's" agony aunt, and you've just published your autobiography "Luck Be A Lady"." "There it is." "That's the book." "It's your autobiography, published by Jones." "Never heard of them." "What comes across very strongly is your understanding of male psychology." "Well, I think I understand men because I adore them." "Yeah..." "And what, as a woman, do you look for in a man?" "Power is attractive." "Sensitivity." "Sense of humour." " I like a man who knows who he is." " I'm Alan Partridge." "Carry on." "You know, I think the most important thing that I look for is a fit young body, like a Greek god." "Right." "Now, you also help people with their sexual problems." "Let me give you a hypothetical problem." "Um..." "There's a couple, right?" "They've been married 15, 16 years, maybe more." "And...neither of them have ever slept with anyone else." "Well, she has." "On one occasion." "She said it was a mistake." "It was a PE teacher at the local primary school..." "let's say." "He, on the other hand, has been faithful." "Solid as a rock." "He's been tempted." "Believe me, he's had offers, but...but he's never strayed..." " And he's frustrated?" " Yes, deeply." "But that's only part of the problem." "The real problem is that their sex life is... well, for want of a better word, moribund." "People need to explore their sex lives if they're not working." "If it's not working in the bedroom, bring it into the kitchen." "Well, they tried, but the dog wandered in." "It was very off-putting." "Some people find it very sexy to be watched." "Yeah, but not by the dog." "I mean..." "Montgomery was frightened." "He was just barking." "Who's Montgomery?" "The man who masterminded the Battle of El Alamein." "Um..." "And the name of this hypothetical dog." " Have you got a dog, Alan?" " Yes." "What's his name?" "Rommel." "Perhaps Rommel should get involved in your sex life." "No, he's blind in one eye." "Can't control his bladder." "No, no, you're taking me too literally." "Once again, here is a man shying away from discussing sex." "When I was a man, I had the same problem, but as a woman, I feel liberated." "Well, I'm very pleased for you." "Now..." "Hang on a minute." "Who..." "Wha..." " Who was a man?" " When I was a man." "What are you talking about?" " Well, you have read my book?" " Yes." "No, no." "I never read the books." " Who was a man?" " Who did you think Daniel was in the photos?" "I thought that was your twin brother." "I was Daniel." "I used to be a man." " I can't believe you didn't know." " I kissed you!" " Why did you invite me?" " I thought you were sexy." "You're a bloke!" "I should knock your block off!" " I'm a woman." "I have breasts." " God!" "You should be in a circus." "Well, you'd be in the front row." "There she goes." "There HE goes, I should say." "What do you want?" "No." "No!" "No!" "No!" "A-ha!" "On your way!" "I knew there was something dodgy about you." "Your hands are a giveaway." "You've got great big flapping hands like a bloke." "You could be a goalkeeper!" " Glenn, did you know it was a man?" " Yeah." " Debonair, did you know it was a man?" " (ALL) Yeah." "Everyone knew apart from muggins Partridge." "Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Forest." "Dan "The Man" Forest." "(APPLAUSE)" "It's time now for a new regular feature of the series called "Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge", in which I meet a member of the public who shares my name" "and is therefore entitled to membership of the exclusive "Club Alan Partridge"." "This week's other Alan Partridge works on a Sealink ferry." "So, please welcome Petty Officer Alan Partridge!" "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, Knowing you, Petty Officer Partridge." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Now, Alan, you work on the Sealink ferry from Liverpool to Dublin." "I imagine that's the kind of job where there's an awful lot of camaraderie." "Is that the case?" "What do you keep doing that with your face for?" " It's a tic." "I've got a facial tic." " I'm sorry." "I had no idea." " It's OK." "I've had it since I was a kid." " OK, fine." "Now, Alan Partridge, I imagine your workmates tease you and josh with you." " Yeah, they call me "Tick-Tock"." " Why?" " Because of me tic." " No!" "God, no!" "I mean because your name's Alan Partridge." " No." " I don't want to dwell on the tic." "What you chose to do with your face is your choice." "It suits you." "There it is again." "OK." "I'm going to present you with this now." "It's the Alan Partridge tie and..." "Oh, that was a big one!" "The Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack." "There we go." " You take that." " Thank you." "Hey, I'll put it on if I can keep still!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "What a marvellous sense of humour!" "What a triumph of the human spirit!" "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Alan Partridge!" "Marvellous!" "Go on, Go." "Go." " I just want you to know..." " Go!" "Go!" "Last night, I met a man who quite literally changed my life." "He made me think, laugh and cry in wonderment." "I and many others witnessed his mystical powers last night at the London Palladium." "Please welcome magician-hypnotist Tony Le Mesmer!" "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "(PA) Ladies and gentlemen, enter the mysterious domain of Tony Le Mesmer." "Behold the Cage of Kathmandu." "The Void of Solitude." "The Dance of Diabolos." "The Shroud." "The forces turn upon their axes." "The Summoning of the Spirits of Telemachus." "(APPLAUSE)" "Marvellous." "Marvellous." " Tony, how did you do that?" " Simple, Alan." "The power of the paranormal." " It's not a lever or anything?" " No." "You tell us more now." "Tina, I'll see you later for the Wheel of Death." "Off you go." "Very nice." "Now, that is a woman." "Tony." "Tony Le Mesmer!" "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tony Le Mesmer." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Buddha, the Dalai Lama, Nostradamus, that man the Beatles went to see," "Yuri Geller, and now Tony Le Mesmer." "What is it about you lot that sets you apart from mere mortal men like me, Alan Partridge?" "We are all shamen on a spiritual quest." "We travel on this journey using the energy of the life force." "Right." "Now, this life force can take many forms, presumably, be it transcendental meditation, bending spoons or producing a lady in a cage." "That's exactly right, Alan." "We are all channellers." "We channel energy from within to without." "Right." "Now, can you be more specific?" "I am a man who harnesses the harmony that is within us all." "Now, that's more vague." "I want you to be more specific." "Let me put it like this." "Within us is a consciousness which is only partially realised." "I want us to realise it fully, to exploit all the hidden recesses within us." "Right." "Now..." "I think I know..." "Are you saying that if I, Alan Partridge, were to harness the harmony within me, and therefore...and then the beings around me..." "and somehow channel that energy up some sort of tubular conduit..." "of consciousness into a cloud of..." "I'm sorry." "I've absolutely no idea what I'm talking about." "I'm completely lost." "Last night, at the London Palladium, you did a fantastic show." "The highlight was when you hypnotised 20 people and got them to simulate sex to "Hi-Ho Silver Lining"." "Fantastic." "That's how I get people to realise their inner potential." "You had two men in their underpants barking like dogs." "It's their subconscious desire coming to the fore." "That's why I'm interested in dreams..." "Right." "Now you're being interesting... ..because I often have..." "I have a recurring dream in which I am an owl." "When you are an owl, how do you feel different?" "Smaller, more agile, able to fly." "Perhaps that means you want more freedom." " What else can you do as an owl?" " I can rotate my head 360 degrees, which is a real boon when you're driving, because it eliminates the blind spot." "OK." "Anything else you can do?" "Yes, I can emit pellets." " I can't help you there." "Sorry, Alan." " No?" "Oh, well." "If anyone can shed some light on that, why I might want to emit pellets as an owl, drop us a line to the usual address, and don't forget to mark your envelope "pellets"." "We're going to have fun now because, Tony, you are going to hypnotise me." " That's right, Alan." " Well, this may take...a few minutes," " so don't worry if..." " Five, four, three, two, one." "Ladies and gentlemen, Alan is now totally hypnotised." " Totally in my control." "Is that not so, Alan?" " Yes." "Let's put that to the test." "When I say the word "owl", I want you to be that owl, emitting a pellet and feeling very happy with yourself." " Owl." " Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Excellent." "Now, whenever you hear the word "a-ha"," "I want you to be a little scary monster." " A-ha." " Grrr!" "Very good." "Stop." "Now, if you could make love to any woman, apart from your good wife, who would that be?" " Ursula Andress." " Ursula Andress." "OK." "When I click my fingers, you'll see me as Ursula Andress." "Ursula, I've always wanted to meet you." "I like the bikini." "Very nice." "I love all your films, from "Doctor No" right through to all the others." "Enough of this." "Is there somewhere we can go to make passionate love?" "Oh, God." "Uh...yes." "The Moat House Hotel in High Wycombe." "They know me there." "They're very discreet." "You'll love it." "It's got a 24-hour carvery." "Stop." "When I click my fingers again, we'll be on the way to High Wycombe." "It'll take about 20 minutes, that's all." " Can we pull over and make love in a layby?" " I can't stop on the motorway." "It's illegal." "Alan, I'm begging you." "Please." "It's an offence to stop on the hard shoulder unless there's a malfunction with the car." "Alan, I'm taking my top off." "Please." "If I get caught in flagrante whilst violating the Highway Code, my wife will find out, I'll get three points, my insurance could go up by 30 per cent." "That's not going to happen." "Now put your top on and get out!" "Go!" "Get out!" " Wake up." " Well, as I say, it'll take a few seconds" " before I'm totally hypnotised..." " It's all over, Alan." " You've hypnotised me?" " All finished." "Really?" "I hope you didn't make me look too foolish." " Of course I didn't, Alan." " Well, Tony, we'll see you later for the Wheel of Death." "It simply remains for me to say thank you very much, Tony Le Mesmer!" "Now, Hollywood is much, much more than nine big letters on a hill." "It's a sexy, dangerous place, a hustlin' wheelin' dealin' kinda town, where money talks and nonsense walks." "I've never been, but my next guests have, because they are a British married couple of actors who live and work in Tinseltown, Stateside." "I want to get to know them." "I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do." "Please welcome Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont!" "(APPLAUSE)" "(DEBONAIR) # Love me or leave me" "# Make your choice, but believe me" "# I love you" "# I do, I do, I do, I do, I do #" "Ah." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tania Beaumont." "A-ha." "Grrr!" " A-ha." " Grrr!" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Gary Barker." "A-ha." "Grrr!" " A-ha." " Grrr!" "Now, unusually, you requested to come on to my show." "Fortunately, the scheduled guest, Ian McShane, TV's Lovejoy, had to pull out due to an emergency." "He's had to fly to Spain to do a coffee advert." "You want to make a public statement." "This is your platform." "Please be my guest...s." "Well, there's been a lot of speculation in the press about our marriage..." "Yes, I've had bad treatment from the press." "Do you know Philip Parsons on the "Times"?" "He described the show as moribund." "And, Philip Parsons, in five minutes' time, I will be strapped to a wheel of death, and you will have a plate with some words on it and a knife and fork." " Sorry, Tania." " Well, we just wanted..." "What I'm saying is you're going to eat your words." "Sorry." "Tania." "We really just want to say to the tabloid press, look, we're very much married." "There's a lot of real news out there." "There's poverty, homelessness." "Please report that." "Leave us alone." "We're just ordinary people who happen to make movies." "Lovely." "Lovely." "Um..." " Gary, do you want to add anything?" " No... (GRUNTS) Yeah." "Are you all right?" "I'm just wondering about the glasses." "You've not got a sty or anything?" " No." " Tania..." " Is he wearing those to look cool?" " Yes, he is." "Gary, like the glasses." "Where'd you get them?" "An auction." "They were James Dean's shades." "He died in them." "Really?" "They look quite small." "No wonder he lost control of the car." "No?" "Now, you've just flown in from Hollywood." "What's it like to be back in London?" " It's so nice to be amongst ordinary people." " Where are you staying?" " The Savoy." " Marvellous." " Who's paying?" " You are." "Really?" "Are we?" "Is that true?" "Are we paying?" "Yes?" "Yes, we are." "Well, enjoy yourselves." "Just...easy on the room service." "Chicken in a basket, that's your lot." "No, seriously, have a drink." "Just don't go mad, that's all." "Some people empty the minibar into a carrier bag." "That's not on." "I tell you something, we had Roger Moore on the other week, and, between us, if it wasn't nailed down, it was going back to Switzerland." "He even took a towel." "Roger Moore is a towel thief." " He's my godfather." " Really?" "He's a lovely man." "Um, Gary..." "But he is a towel thief." "Gary, um...you are known as the wild man of Hollywood." "Some of the wild things you've done..." "I've got some here..." "He sawed the head off Warren Beatty's Oscar." "He drove a Harley-Davidson into Bruce Willis's patio doors." " What else have you done?" " Punched Jessica Tandy." "Yeah, that was nasty." "It says you also threw Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat." "No." "Other way around." "You threw a cat at Whoopi Goldberg's kettle?" " I threw a kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat." " That's what I said." "No, you said I threw Whoopi Goldberg's kettle at a cat." "I didn't." "I threw a kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat." " It wasn't Whoopi Goldberg's kettle." " Right." "It was Whoopi Goldberg's cat." "So whose copper kettle was it?" "Jessica Tandy's." " Was this before or after you punched her?" " About the same time." "The incidents were related." "Oh, dear." "Tania, has he ever thrown a kettle at you?" "No, it's one of the few things he's never thrown at me." "Joke." "Tania's breasts..." "Sorry, that's just my notes." "Sorry." "Now, you're one of those great actresses who, if the role demands it, you're quite prepared to expose yourself." "I'm glad you value my acting so highly." "Your name attached to a film is a seal of quality." "It says, "Come along, see the film, lads." ""You won't go home empty-handed." So to speak." "My films are more than just titillation." "I can only suggest that if you wish to go and see Tania's unexpurgated adult breast show that you pop down to the local cinema..." "or marry her." "That's no guarantee." " Grow up." " I am grown-up." " Well, act it." "You're an actor, I believe." " Good point, actually." "Gary, we were going to show a clip from one of your films, but your last action film starred Bill Seger, and I've never heard of him." " Well, I've never heard of you." " I'm Alan Partridge." "Let's talk about what you did before you went into acting." "That's easier." "Gary, Tania tipped us off about this." "You used to be a mobile office equipment maintenance engineer." " Briefly." " Well, three years." "Yeah." "I got the sack." "No, you're lying." "You were Maintenance Engineer of the Month." "Well done." "Now, I've got a broken photocopier at my office in Norwich." "Could you fix that?" "You think I'm going to Norwich to mend your photocopier?" "!" "There's no need, because Mohammed..." "Mohammed has moved the mountain to you." "It's not literally a mountain." "It's a photocopier." "Although, coincidentally, it was driven here in a white van by a man called Mohammed." "Please bring on the broken photocopier!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Gary, we've got the photocopier." "Will you rise to Alan's challenge and mend it?" " No." " Just do it." " Do we want him to mend the photocopier?" " (AUDIENCE) Yes!" " I don't believe you can mend it." " Of course I can." " I don't believe you." " What model is it?" " Z-60." " Mono or multi-feed?" " Mono-feed." " Easy." "Prove it." "(APPLAUSE)" "It hasn't been reset after a paper jam." "Basic." "Interesting." "Where do you put paper clips?" " Normally just around, on the table." " They get lost." " Stick 'em there." " What..." "How will they stay?" "How will they stay?" "Magnetic." " That's interesting." " Nice little feature." "Worth knowing." "Yeah, it's a good machine." "There." "You should have no trouble." " I don't do that shit any more." " He's mended it!" "Whoa!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Fabulous." "Well, Gary, I'm going to put the smile back on your face with an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack." "There we go." "Tania, er...domestic tip." "When you're stitching that on, it's got an adhesive behind it," " so you can simply iron it on." " Wonderful." " Then do the stitching later." " Labour-saving." "What are you doing?" "!" "For God's sake!" " It just burst into flames." " What did you do that for?" "You've ruined it!" "Sorry (!" ")" " How much did those glasses cost?" " $15,000." "You touch them, I'll break your legs." "What are you doing?" " You stupid bitch." " I'm stupid?" "!" "You have a spider on your head, and I'm stupid?" "!" "What a pathetic thing to do." " These were James Dean's glasses!" " You're watching "Knowing Me, Knowing You"." " Live chat as it happens." " Lighten up." "You've got a problem." " Shall I tell people what your problem is?" " No." "Don't." " Shall I tell them?" " Don't." " Do you know what Gary's problem is?" " No." "Please tell me." " Gary's problem is that he's impotent." " What?" "!" "Gary's impotent." "Is this true, Gary?" "I'll take that as a yes." "Tania, that explains why you sleep around." "That's why you're known as the "Bike of Beverly Hills"." "I think this is quite a serious matter." "Let's handle this in a more sensitive way." "Let's lower the lights." "I think, really, it's time that...we ended this farcical facade of a marriage, which I presume is unconsummated." " Tania?" " Yes." " And Gary?" " Yeah, obviously." "Yes." "Yes, of course." "Yes." "Um..." "The marriage has now been rent in twain." "It has been put asunder." "It is moribund." "So, as regards the Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack, don't worry about that." "We've got dozens of them." "If you wish, I'll send another one." " Would you like that?" "As a memento?" " Yeah, that'd be nice." "Well, I think this has been a painful experience for all of us." "It simply remains to say knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tania and Gary." "A-ha." "Grrr!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Well, the wheel has turned full circle for Tania and Gary, but the wheels that turn this crazy, often unpredictable vehicle - my vehicle, my show - they keep turning, which brings me to the final section of the show," "which has to happen, nothing can stop that, as I rise to meet my own challenge." "Alan Partridge on the Wheel of Death." "Will you please welcome back, with his Wheel of Death, magic man Tony Le Mesmer and Tina!" "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "Ladies and gentlemen, every evening, as part of my show, which runs until the end of this month, I get a member of the audience onstage and ask them to overcome their fears on the Wheel of Death." "Tonight, Alan will be that person." "How do you feel, Alan?" "Confident." "I am risking my life for chat." "By the way, Philip Parsons, get a knife and fork and a plate, put your words on it, add a bit of humble pie and eat it." "Commence spinning the Wheel of Death." "(PA) As the Wheel of Death commences its inexorable spin," "Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash the deadly Daggers of Damazon." "I've changed my mind." "Sorry, I've changed my mind." " Drum roll." " Please." "We'll do it next week." "There isn't time." "We'll do it next week!" "God!" "Please!" "Please!" "This is madness!" "Don't!" "You stupid man!" "Please, God!" "No!" "Stop!" "Philip Parsons of the "Times", you're right!" "This show is moribund!" " Please!" " (MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Oh!" "I've done it!" "I've done it!" "On that bombshell, it's time for me to say knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, freak woman-man, knowing you, the slut actress and Mr Floppy the actor..." "..and knowing you, Mr Loony Man with the knives." "Goodnight and a-ha!" "Grrr!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Please stop." "Could somebody get me off the wheel?" "(ALAN SHOUTS)" "Just get me off!" "Someone, get me off!" "It's over now." "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "My trousers are wet!"