" Clamp." " Clamp." " Suture." " Suture." " Scissors." " Scissors." " Can't you work faster, Frank?" " Haste makes waste." " Never at a loss for a cliché." " Everything all right?" "It will be when Frank stops sewing his fingers together." "You missed a fragment!" " Why didn't you give me suction?" " You didn't ask for any." " You're useless!" "Help here is impossible!" " Why don't you find yourself another war?" " Forceps." " Forceps." "There's your fragment!" "I don't ever want her at my table again." "She's an incompetent bungler!" "And you got that from an expert on the subject." "I can think of better ways to spend a morning." "Back home I could be giving some nice blue-haired lady a hysterectomy." "How about selling couples his-and-her-terectomies?" "Oh, you're punchy." "The natural result of pulling bits of hardware out of teenage bellies." "This place is driving me out of my already demented mind." "My head is getting wall-to-wall crazy." " Would you like a drink?" " Is gas inflammable?" "Hey!" "Ginger!" "Ginger!" "Did you know Frank Bums was stolen by Gypsies as a little boy?" "No." "Police brought him back to his parents." "They refused delivery." "They brought him back to the Gypsies, but they didn't want him." "They brought him to the woods hoping the bears would raise him." "After one day with Frank, the bears attacked the Gypsies." "Thanks, Hawkeye." "It's about time for Frank to be taking his post-surgery nap now, isn't it?" "That tooth is really bad." "Hold this back with your tongue." "This is it!" "Colonel, this is it!" "I know I've asked for a transfer before, but this time I mean it!" "I want out!" "Frank, will you just calm down?" " What happened to your hook... your hand?" " McIntyre and Pierce." "That's what happened - for the last time!" "I don't care which MASH unit you send me to, I want a transfer and I want it now!" "I can't transfer you with your arm like that." "There's nothing wrong with my arm!" "You can't change my mind." "I've had those two up to here!" "You better cut that thing off before you hurt yourself." "You have no idea what it's like living with those perverts!" " Oh, they're not really so..." " They're not?" "!" "I take my life in my hands every time I go to bed." "I woke up once and they'd given me "The Princess and the Pea" treatment!" ""The Princess and the Pea"?" "They nailed five cots on top of each other." "I was sleeping 12 feet off the floor!" "It's a good thing you don't walk in your sleep." "I don't think it's funny at all." "Of course not." "Nor is it humorous to have hamburger stuffed in your ears." "Hamburger stuffed in your ears?" "Do you know what it's like being awakened by a wet nose?" "Frank, just leave my married life out of this." "Doctor, watch it before I swallow your watch." "Sorry, sir." "Look, Frank, you bring a lot of this on yourself." "Oh, really?" "Well, I certainly didn't bring last night on myself." "Last night?" "It's not too hot, is it?" "We don't wanna wake him up." "Just right." " You sure this is gonna work?" " As sure as Niagara Falls." "This is terrible." "I..." "Oh!" "You guys!" " OK, Frank." "You'll get your transfer." " Thank you." "You know, Frank?" "As rough as it's been sometimes, I think I'll miss you." "It might not have come to this if you'd had the backbone to maintain discipline." "Well, so much for missing you." "This can't be Death Valley Scotty." "That's a guy that lets you sit on his pony while he takes your picture." "If you're looking for the Gold Rush, go down the road 100 years." "OK, OK, you guys." "What if I told you that there's real gold out there?" "Come out of the sun." "Your brain is tanning." "I'm not kidding." "I looked it up." "Korea is the fifth largest gold producer in the world." "And first largest producer of Koreans." "Take a look at these." "I found 'em down by the creek." " It's not real gold." "It's pyrite." " If you're smart, you'll see your dentist." "I'm telling you, that's gold." "Frank?" "Flowers?" " I asked for chocolate." "I'm allergic to flowers." " They're not for you." " Hot Lips?" " I'm allergic to her, too." "What a relief to know I'll never have to listen to you two again." " Having your ears removed, Frank?" " Colonel Blake has OK'd my transfer." "You're serious." "You're leaving." "Absotively!" "Gee, this place won't seem the same without you." "It'll be terrific!" "Now, this has to be the farewell scene of all time." " Margaret?" " Frank!" " Oh, did you cut your head again?" " Yes, I cut my head again." " For you." " Oh, how sweet!" "Long-stemmed... stems?" "They were chrysanthemums before Pierce and McIntyre got at 'em!" "Why would they destroy them?" "Why would they put cream cheese in my house slippers?" "They're crazy!" "It takes a certain kind of man not to crack under combat." "And we all know what kind of a man that is, don't we?" "I talked to the cook." "He's bringing some pork chops here tonight." "The kind you like... with extra fat." "I have something very painful to tell you." "You can't come to dinner tonight?" "I've put in for a transfer." " A transfer?" " It's not till tomorrow." "But, Frank, why?" "Have I done something to displease you?" "Oh, no, Margaret." "No, no!" "Is it something I haven't done?" "I'll do it." "If it's something I've done, I'll undo it." "It's nothing you've done." "It's just that every man has a breaking point, and Pierce and McIntyre have broken mine." "But last night you said you loved me." "Oh, I do, Margaret." "Frank, you're crushing my mums." "I don't mean to hurt you." "And yet you're leaving me." "It's not for ever, Margaret." "There'll be other wars." "I'll be devastated without you." "You know that." " I'll write you... every day, faithfully." " You promise?" "Just like I do my wife." "Margaret, we're both mature, grown-up adults." "We..." "Margaret, put that down!" "It's government property." " It's chilly." "Want a drink?" " If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't." "Double or triple?" "How about the first quintuple martini in medical history?" "How about you, Frank?" "One for the road?" "I never drink with strangers, and as of right now, I don't know either one of you." "It's chilly in here, too." "Make him a Shirley Temple." "Put it on my tab." "You're nothing but common drunks." "That is a rumour started by people I've fallen over." "Laugh now, but when this war is over" "I'll go back to my country club and my 30-foot yacht, and you two will be ship's doctors on a garbage scow somewhere." "The typical love-hate complex." "Freud said it best:" ""Never ask for light chocolates."" "You're both a disgrace to the medical profession and the US Army!" "He's beginning to soften." "I almost forgot." "It's time for my armed forces soap opera, Just Plain MacArthur." "Soap operas?" "You're deteriorating by the minute!" "I'll be devastated without you." "I'll write you... every day, faithfully." ""I'll write every day, faithfully." Listen to that dribble, that manure." "Anyone who could listen to that..." "Frank, you're crushing my mums." "That... that's... that's..." "That's right." "Nurse Dribble and Dr Manure." "You dirty rat, you!" " James Cagney!" " You!" "Pierce!" "Frank, please, Frank!" " You'll regret this as long as you live!" " I regret it right now!" "Maybe we could arrange to get leaves at the same time." "We could meet in Tokyo." "Oh, Margaret, there's so much to do and so little time." "To think that the army brought us together." "Some beautiful things can happen even in the army." "It's absolutely inexcusable!" "You guys should be sentenced to life in front of a firing squad." "We got over 50 orders if we can turn it into an album." "Somethin' wrong with your mouth?" "Yeah." "I got a temporary filling in a tooth that's killing me!" " Why don't we go to my dentist in Detroit?" " Boy, you guys just don't get it, do you?" "The party is over!" "I'm holding you directly responsible for this unit losing a fair but competent surgeon, and now its head nurse!" " Hot Lips is leaving?" "!" " She says she's been publicly humiliated." "She has." "To think of the times I offered to humiliate her privately!" " Boy, you guys are impossible!" " Well, fire us, Henry!" "Fire us!" "Listen, big shot, I'm gonna do more than that." "I'm gonna do more than that." "What am I doing?" "This is my office." "You guys, get out!" "Hawkeye?" "Hey, Hawk?" "If I open my eyes and you're not a blonde, you're in trouble." "It's me" " Radar." "You gotta get up right away." "One more word and I'll nail your tongue to your nose!" "It's the colonel's orders!" "Trapper, too." "You both have post-op duty." " Trapper?" " What?" "!" "We just came off post-op duty!" "I'll clean your glasses and you'll find out where you are!" "Colonel Blake says you guys are pulling double duty till he replaces Major Burns and Major Houlihan." "Which, the way things go in the army, could be about 10 o'clock next summer." "He can't do that to us." "He'll wear us to a frazzle." "Maybe we finally went too far." "You should've thought of that before we started." "I was too busy going too far." "I still don't know what we're gonna do about Frank Burns." "Gimme a minute." " Want a martini?" " No, thanks." "I just put one away." "What are you laughing at?" " I think I have what just might be an idea." " Yeah?" "Three of the basic human emotions are greed, fear, and greed." "So?" "Frank Burns is crazy about money." "He married for money." "He became a doctor for money." "If there was money in dying, he'd throw himself under a truck." "Which means what?" "Remember what Radar said about there being gold in Korea?" "Oh, Radar." "He's got the IQ of a house plant." "Frank isn't much smarter." "If he thought he could get rich staying here, he'd never leave." "Now, how about a martini?" "I don't care how drunk you make me." "I'm not going home with you." "He must have some around here." "Every dentist does." "I don't know how anyone can be a dentist." "Imagine keeping your hand in a bunch of wet mouths." "Gives you wrinkled fingers." "Hey!" " Looks like a gold filling." " Perfect." "Must be Henry's." "Only good thing that ever came out of his mouth." " Shh!" "You'll wake him." " How much gold did we get tonight?" "Forget it, he's still asleep." "How much gold do you think we got?" "We found enough to buy Frank's country club and have him thrown out of it." "I never thought I'd be this rich." "Let me buy you a drink." "Let's finish these and go get some more." "Don't be greedy." "I'm putting mine under my bed." "Why not under my bunk?" "Stop pulling it!" "You spilled some!" "Quiet, you'll wake him up." " Shh!" "Where are you going with that?" " The First National Latrine." " Aren't you afraid of being robbed?" " Ever heard of a latrine being robbed?" "I'm going with you." " What'd I say?" " Were you talking?" "Oh, really, Frank." "These rocks!" "Why'd you pick such an awful place for a walk?" "I just wanted a last look around, sort of a sentimental journey, and I..." "It's so unlike you." "You never liked the outdoors." "Well, that's ridiculous!" "I love the outdoors!" "Any time I'm not indoors, that's where you'll find me." "OK, Mom." "Say what?" "It's all right, Radar." "I... just wanted to borrow something." "Yes, sir." "Do you, uh... always sleep with a teddy bear?" "Well, not when I'm on duty, sir." "It's OK." "It's OK." "Bad man go away." "If I dig one foot deeper, I'll be AWOL." "Gold!" "Gold!" "Gold!" "Gold!" " Colonel Blake..." " Do you know what..." " What happened to you?" " I, uh... fell down." "Really?" "How many times?" " I've got to talk to you." " Not now, Frank." "I just lost a temporary filling and every time I suck air it's a new adventure in pain." "I've decided not to go, sir." "Frank, if you think you're gonna sleep here tonight, you're crazy." "I mean, my transfer!" "I want to stay!" "I went to a lot of trouble to accommodate you!" "Tear them up!" "Tear up my orders!" "I don't want to go!" " What about Pierce and McIntyre?" " Great guys!" "Fun-loving..." " Frank?" " What?" "You've been pushing your stethoscope too far into your ears." "I think it scratched your brain." "Well, think whatever you like." "But I don't want to leave here." " There it is!" " Where?" "It's right under your foot." "Is this your final decision?" "Absolutely and irrevocably, yes." "I never want to leave here." "I'm yours, for ever." "I gotta tell you something, Frank." "I've gone to sleep with happier thoughts." "But, Frank, I'm all packed!" "What do you mean, we're not leaving?" "The colonel has rescinded my orders." "You have to unpack." "I've said goodbye to all the nurses." "They even gave me a farewell present." "They must have spent at least two dollars." "Well, Margaret, I can't leave now." "Something's... come up." " Who is she, Frank?" " Who?" "Is who?" "You're seeing another woman." "Are you crazy?" "I'm a happily married man." " Frank, I don't understand any of this." " Oh, don't cry, Margaret." "Or... go ahead, and I'll dry your tears with a gold handkerchief." " What?" " Gold, Margaret." "There's a fortune in gold out there." "I've seen it!" "McIntyre and Pierce have a whole bag of it!" "Wait a minute." "I smell a rat!" "No, two rats!" "Two 14-carat rats!" "Oh, no." "No, no." "Let me prove it to you." "Come on." "Morning, Major Burns." "Major Houlihan." "The secret's out!" "Come on!" "This way!" "You see?" "You see?" "!" "Attention, all personnel." "Tonight's double feature is "Greed" and "The Major was a Minor", starring Major Frank "There-Goes-My-Transfer" Burns." " You did some good work in there." " You really did." " We're sorry, Frank." " We really are." "Sometimes a joke gets beyond an apology." "Frank, they're trying to make amends." "We'll never try to make you look foolish again." "Scout's honour." "Well..." "OK." "I told you he was a sweetheart." "Oh, what are you doing?" "!" "Stop that!" " Pierce, let him go!" " Wait your turn!" " You let him go!" " You mean this isn't a nurse?" "!" "How dare you!"