"Alright folks, can we all settle down for a second?" "Oops!" "I know that you..." "hey you settle down." "C'mon everybody settle down" "Sandy... c'mon... now now guys its is not a time to make silly jokes... its a time for a little bit of talking before we really get to the important part." "Here we go, well its been another great year here at JAMS." "Who can forget Mr. Pinkus's haunted classroom." "Thank you Sandy, for that." "I ain't afraid of no ghosts." "Or the wild success of the book drive for womens prison which Mrs. Pathacheks class sponsored." "Thank you Beth, but as summer draws upon us, its time not only to say goodbye to another school year but sadly also to say goodbye to one of our faculty members." "Yes, Elizabeth... is Elizabeth Halsey here?" "There she is..." "Elizabeth can you come on up here?" "Yes that's appropriate applause, I think." "Elizabeth, even though you were only with us for one short year..." "Please know that we will always consider you part of the JAMS family." "And we got you a little something." "Oh!" "Thank you." "Wow... almost $40, thank you." "You're very welcome, speech?" "Ok well, I'm really terrible at these types of thing so, I'll make it quick." "Ah, I know I've only been here a year, but there's so much I will miss." "My students, probably most." "And I wish that I had gotten to know all of you better." "But, between four classes and planning a wedding my plate was full still, I know that our students are in good hands." "And even though I'll never teach again professionally." "I've realized that I don't need a blackboard or a classroom to set an example." "Adios, bitches!" "Baby doll..." "I'm home." "In here..." "Get yourself hard 'cause I'm gonna suck your dick like I'm mad at it." "Oh!" "Look, your mom's here." "Hi Mom, what a fun surprise." "Suitcases, honey are we going on a trip?" "Aah..." "Elizabeth, we need to talk." "Sure." "I'm starting to think that maybe we need to take a break." "Forever..." "Mom!" "Tell her what the accountant said." "Mom!" "Steven said that you spent $16,000 last month." "He thinks you're bad news." "I know women like you." "Damn it Mom!" "I told you I could handle this." "I just want to ask her something." "You truly love my son?" "I love him so much it hurts." "Alright then, when is his birthday?" "Mom..." "I'm not... you know... that is just offensive that you would even ask me that." "It's today..." "I know..." "That's why I got you this okay honey, happy birthday" "Boston Market?" "Okay fine, I'll sign the prenup." "It's over, Elizabeth." "Mark, I'm pregnant." " Bullshit." " No you're not." "Okay fine, I'm not actually pregnant." "You know what, I'm starting to wonder... whether this has always been about the money." "You never loved me." "I don't love you?" "I have been listening to you whine about opera for the last year." "Okay, If the younger generation doesn't get into opera then guess what?" "No more opera!" "An art form has died." "If opera goes away, we're fucked." "I want my ring back." "What am I supposed to do?" "Huh?" "Where am I supposed to go?" "3 MONTHS LATER" "There she is, Elizabeth Halsey." "Wooooo..." "I am so excited we're gonna be across-the-hall mates." "But I'm so sad..it's because your relationship ended." "Who are you again?" "Amy Squirrel." "Squirrel?" "Yeah, you know." "Don't worry, you were... kind of a lone wolf last year and so... busy planning the... wedding" "I found him in bed with somebody else." "Oh my Gosh." "He was with another man." "Shut the front door!" "Look.." "I know you kinda skated by last year doing the bare minimum thing but I just wanna say, now you're back, I just know you are gonna get your teaching on" "I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples well, I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them." "That's just something I say sometimes." "Stupid." "Uh sorry.." "I just wanted to know if you wanted to grab some lunch" "I'm kind of in the middle of something, Lynn." "My treat." "You know, Lynn when I first started teaching" "I thought that I was doing it for all the right reasons." "Shorter hours, summers off, no accountability... oh, I love my summers..." "fresh corn... mmmm from now on, my full time job is finding a guy who's gonna take care of me" "God I pray for that." "You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at bars near where the Bulls practice." "Had some fun, got some cool souvenirs But those guys are not looking to settle down" "I mean.. they all wear condoms..then, they take the condoms with them, that's how paranoid they are like its so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom yeaa...ugh!" "you're gonna find someone great, you are." "I've been thinking about it a lot, I'm like an 8, 8 and a half..b ut if I got a new pair of tits.. right?" "You!" "..don't wanna do that, you're already so pretty." "You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types yea..that's true, we're not getting any younger yea..we should finish up." "Wally's got that big orientation in the auditorium." "Yea, I'm not gonna go to that." "But it's mandatory." "I probably won't go either." "Huh... no I might, I'll probably go and just sit in the back, maybe leave early maybe stay to the end." "I'll... play it by ear or just stay to the end." "Okay... oh!" "this was fun, huh?" "Welcome to Air 7th Grade Social Studies I'll be your captain, Miss Squirrel." "Cruising altitude to view the world geography through current events, we may have a layover in civics, so buckle up cause its gonna be a crazy ride." "The photographer who was like..." "so nice he made me feel like really really comfortable" "I might get flown to Kansas City for their Fashion Week" "Kansas City." "Talk much?" "Bhuhhrr!" "Loser..." "Hi, I'm Sasha Abernathy, My mother baked these cookies for you.." "Just leave them on the desk..." "Do you need something?" "Anyone seen Stand and Deliver?" "Show of hands you kidding me?" "Edward James Olmos?" "Lou Diamond Phillips?" "Well, alright... you... and you grab the TV and roll it up front we're watching a movie on the first day?" "I think its awesome." "You rock!" "These cookies suck" "incoming..." "Elizabeth Hey, Russell" "Russell Gettis, gym teacher We did bus duty together last spring." "Yea." "So, I heard about the whole engagement thing... that blows." "You know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog?" "Peanut butter everywhere ...gross..." "anyway... hey, uh.. might be too soon, but you wanna like.." "grab a bite or something sometime you still a gym teacher?" "I am, yea then No" "I don't date coworkers." "I wont tell anyone" "I also said no..." "Okay cool, well this has been awesome somebody's got a case of a sleepy's." "What?" "Did you see the coleslaw altercation?" "Yea, one kid ...hit the other kid with some coleslaw..." "You weren't at the orientation the other day.. okay!" "Boy, Elizabeth..." "You missed a boat load of stuff anyways, at the orientation I suggested a new system for supervising lunch it's a quadrant system" "I tell you what... why don't you just send me memo and if I have any questions, I'll find you." "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Yeah Meant to ask..." "Did I hear you were showing a movie this morning on the first day of school?" "How do I know what you heard?" "Listen, I don't wanna tell you how to run your class but..." "Maybe it might be fun to try some icebreakers..." "Like telephone charades, or this string game..." "Are we gonna have a problem, me and you?" "No, Eli... if I gave you that impression well... ah!" "..." "I'm so sorry because... actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates" "I don't know what you heard but I don't eat muff pie" "No, of course not I don't even know what that is..." "I..." "Just meant friends." "Tell you what, friend..." "I've gotta get going, cover me" "Elizabeth, lunch doesn't end for another seven... minutes... who's gonna watch your quadrant?" "Hi, there..." "you look like Losty McLosterson..." "I know right?" "Can you tell me where room 107 is?" "I'll take you there." "Oh." "You don't have to do that." "Oh!" "Stop it, be my pleasure." "Scott Delacorte." "Elizabeth Halsey." "I am the new sub." "Welcome welcome." "Thank you." " Is that Jaeger-LeCoultre?" "Good eye thanks, I love men's watches, its kind of a hobby you know sometimes I get self-conscious about it but..." "My grandfather made it, so..." "Oh your grandfather designs watches?" "The family business, yea my mothers maiden name is LeCoultre shut up!" "So did you and your wife just moved to town?" "I'm not married" "I actually just got out of a relationship." "Catherine its been a year, she's still the wallpaper on my phone she has such a big heart." "Looks like enormous." "As you can see the weight is evenly distributed and there is minimal scarring" "Dr. Vogel, best hands in Chicago." "May I?" "Absolutely, take em' for a spin" "God!" "Wow!" "Yea... these are amazing." "Thank you." "And the nipples... oh..." "I know" "I'll take two" "the total is $9300 for the surgery, plus one night stay at our facility." "How would you like to pay?" "That's absurd..." "I'm a teacher not a drug dealer." "We accept all major credit cards." "Yeah well..." "my credit situation is little... complicated" "I'm sorry, but if you cant pay, then I can't schedule the appointment" "I'm rooming with a guy I met on craigslist all I'm asking you for is 10,000 dollars you owe me for breaking off the engagement you know how humiliating that was?" "Lover..." "lover look, I don't wanna fight..." "Its only $ 10,000... it would mean the world to me." "Lover... are you there?" "!" "Fucking troll." "Did you call my name?" "No, I said fucking troll." "Oh, I thought you said Kirk." "Do you have 10 grand?" "Nope." "And also I might be a little short on rent this month, like a lot short." "This might help." "Wanna get wasted?" "Uh..." "Yea..." "Cool, see ya." "We are in a state of emergency, and my word is law There is only one boss in this place, and that's me." "The HNIC." "Alright..." "We'll pick this up again tomorrow." "Can I help you?" "What?" "I am the student leader for the trip to Springfield." "Shocker!" "We're having our car wash this weekend." "If you're around, maybe we could wash your car." "The Springfield trip is the best part of 7th grade... last year's car wash raised 6000 dollars" "bringing these magazines to school is not the way you are going to make friends, those 8th Grade boys..." "Are just using you so I go now?" "Yes, you go now." "But if I see these again, I'm gonna call your parents." "Do you understand?" "Go to class." "Hey hey..." "Hey!" "go to class." "Another exciting day in the Principal's office." "Do you have a second?" "Uhh yeah." "Oh!" "You know what, I wanted to talk to you too, did I hear that right, that you were showing movies all last week?" "Hmm... some clips, maybe." "But you know in a lot of ways I think that movies are the new books." "Is this new?" "I love it." "You know, I've always said that dolphins are the humans of the sea" "I have a bumper sticker that says that." "No way?" "I'm not kidding." "It's on my car." "Come on..." "Hold on a sec..." "His name is Simon and he lives in the Cayman Islands..." "With his brother, Ajax." "What a great story." "What did you wanna talk about?" "I was thinking that I wanna get more involved." "You know..." "I don't know..." "Something like..." "maybe..." "Supervising the 7th grade car wash." "Uhh, you know Amy has been running that for, like..." "two years." "Yea, but she does so much already." "It might be nice to give her a little rest." "It's so nice to see you becoming a real member of the JAMS family." "It just feels so good to help." "Holy shit!" "Alright, let's do this." "Hey, Mr. Delacorte, yes!" "Hey, kids." "Hey..." "Hey, You better not take it for a joyride." " Are you sure?" " I'm watching you." "Miss Halsey..." "I'm impressed." "Thanks, I've been working out." "What a turn out." "Oh yeah, the kids are just having a blast." "Well, that's what it's all about." "God, you know we should go get a drink tonight I feel like getting drunk" "I mean not "drunk" drunk, strong buzz still be able to drive." "I'm sorry..." "I can't yet." "I'm..." "just not ready but if you're patient..." "I think I might be worth your while." " You're worth the wait." " I think so too" "Wally, it's Amy Squirrel." "Amy?" "What are you do...?" "Get out of here!" "This will just take a sec..." "Umm..." "I happened to be pedaling past the 7th Grade car wash this Saturday." " Can we..." "Can we talk about this later?" " Later we'll all die said the gator to the fly." "Fuck!" "What?" "Just go." "Now, I don't want to speak out of school but... from where I was sitting, I think..." "It seems like Miss Halsey was getting pretty chummy with the money." "Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling from the 7th grade car wash?" "Wally... we barely know anything about her." "Hey, you know what they raised almost $7000." "So whatever she did, worked." "Lee Mathews dad called, he said the car wash was a raging success." "And Laura Richmond's dad called and he said we should have car wash every weekend." "So instead of accusing her, you might wanna ask her for some pointers." "Well if those pointers include wearing provocative beach wear for money, I think I'll pass." "This is ridiculous, this is the one place in this building where I'm allowed to be alone with my thoughts" "I only have this once a day..." "If I'm lucky." "Next time you accuse one of my teachers of stealing, you better have some evidence." "God damn it!" "We are done here." "Alrighty, have a super awesome day, you two." "Holy fuck!" "I thought she was never gonna leave." "What's going on with you?" "Need a tissue?" "Huh?" "She is such a phony." "Yeah, major phony." "But she also cares a lot too." "I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles." "I wanna sit on his face." "Hey, guys." "Heyy." "Lynn, will you go grab me some milk?" "What kind of milk do you want?" "The skim, whole, 2%, chocolate?" "Surprise me." "Okay, I'll get you skim, no 2%..." "So..." "Holla, fellow educators..." "Is everything okay with Gaby?" "She will be fine." "I told her, Gaby if you're not happy with yourself, you cant expect others to be happy with you." "It starts with you." "I'm sure she appreciated that." "And it's exactly what I told Elizabeth when she told me about this upcoming fake breasts job." "Sorry... sorry I thought you were telling everyone." "Did you?" "Well I'm pro-choice, I believe everyone should choose whatever makes them happiest.." "Except abortion, of course." "Of course." "Of course." "Looks like algebra is calling." "I hate math." "Wish me luck." "Hi, I'm a math terrorist with close ties to algebra" "I have weapons of math instruction." "Here, I'll walk you." "Man.." "Everyone is so nice around here." "Of course, hey watch my quadrant!" "Here you go... 1%..." "Surprise!" "Hi, my name is Elizabeth Halsey." "Any questions?" "Hi, I'm Sashas mother." "I am a little concerned at the importance you're placing on movies." "I was just wondering what your plans were for the state test?" "Listen, the school hired me because..." "i'm amazing at what I do" "I use movies as one of my tools but I also use a variety of other multimedia techniques." "Listen, I could take you day by day through my entire syllabus, but that's not just how I do things." "So, that's my spiel... as the Jews say." "Please, help yourself to some delicious snacks and drinks in the back." "Class dismissed." "Excuse me, Miss Halsey." "Hi, I'm Morgans dad." "Morgan." "Great kid, so precocious." "I just wish Morgan's grades would reflect it." "If I know Morgan, and I think I do." "Ah!" "..." "Morgan will get there." "Listen, I'm sure you have a full plate..." "along with a rocking hot body." "But if you could just keep an eye on Morgan?" "My wife and I would really appreciate it." "For supplies and whatever." "Supplies?" "You're Chase's parents?" "You know a student like Chase would benefit so much from some extra attention?" "So you think we should hire a tutor?" "You know I'd be happy to do it myself, but its just so hard with a class of 20.." "25 or 30, whatever." "To be a teacher?" "God, it is so hard on my salary to have to pay for my own supplies and my fiance, he cheated on me with his sister as your personal tutor, I guarantee personally that she will get an A." "Or your money back." "Say no more." "Make it out to cash." "Amy, hi." "Hi, I got you something." "What?" "You didn't have to do that." "It's nothing, its my favorite book." "Eat, Pray, Love?" "This is my favorite book too." "What's your favorite part?" "Love." "What do you want?" "Is that marijuana?" "No, it's medicinal marijuana." "I have a prescription and everything." "And I'm not gonna tell you why because, it's between me and my doctor." "Oh... ok... well feel better." "Thanks." "My mom and I made you some holiday cookies." "Are those oatmeal raisin again?" "Gingerbread." "Let me have it." "Watch the bow." "Do you have anything to drink?" "Listen, word to the wise." "Stop dressing like you're running for congress" "I don't wanna run for congress." "I wanna be President." "See, that's what I'm talking about." "Keep saying shit like that you're gonna get punched." "Do you really wanna be a President or is that something your parents want?" "Look you don't have to decide right now." "I mean, who knows?" "One day you wake up you decide you want to be a masseuse." "Salaried plus tips." "Think about it." "If I think about it, Will I get extra credit?" "Hopeless..." "Watch your feet." "This is indeed a winter wonderland." "Wanna go get high?" "Yeaaah." "Give me a nug..." "I'll go smoke it in my car." "Wow..." "No, I meant Do you wanna get high with me?" "Hey, they don't make songs like this anymore, right?" "You know that's not actually true Scott?" "I'm writing a song right now called 855-8241777." "Extension 777." "So you guys having an awesome time?" "Yes, Oh my God!" "I love to dance, I could dance all night." "Hey can we go somewhere and talk?" "I could totally go for a talk right now." "What's up?" "Okay... whoo" "I do not know how to say this." "I'm a kind of nervous." "Feels it's all happening so quickly." "You can tell me anything Scott, you're one of my best friends" "I'm crushing on someone" "I think you're pretty great too." "Thanks." "It's Amy." "No running in the hall!" "Kids." "She's been amazing helping me deal with my breakup." "Yeah, I don't know her that well." "I know all the other teachers really hate her fucking guts" "But I stay above all that stuff." "Can I be honest with you?" "Of course." "It's nothing personal, but..." "I don't think that you're Amy's type." "Really?" "Yea." "She seem so..." "I don't know... sympatico." "Trust me She's only using you for your money." "What?" "Well I feel stupid." "No, Scott..." "Scott." "Look at me." "I'm gonna get my breasts enlarged in a couple of months..." "And when I recover from my surgery... you and I are gonna go out and we are gonna find awesome people for each other." "That sounds nice." "You're out of your mind." "There is no way LeBron will ever beat Jordan." "Nobody will ever beat Jordan... okay?" "Ok, Lebron is a better re-bounder and passer." "Will you let me finish?" "Can?" "..." "Can you let me finish?" "Call me when Lebron has six championships." "That's the only argument?" "It's the only argument I need, Shawn!" "Let's get baked." "Goods... we're gonna go get some baked goods." "You got this?" "Just try it... try it!" "Just... please stop pressuring her." "How does she know she doesn't like it if she has never tried it before?" "You know, we should probably be getting back." "Just fuckin do it... weed is awesome." "Hold it in." " Just blow it out Hold it in." " Blow it out." "Okay..." "Lynn, I'm gonna take this." "I'm gonna go find a hot dog." "Well, that was deeply unimpressive." "Like you can do better?" "Really?" "You sure you wanna do this?" "Yea, gym teacher." "You understand this is what I do?" " Yea I got it" " Like for a living." "You have no upper body strength." "Yes, I do..." "Just not in my arms or my chest." "But I have cat like reflexes, makes up for it." "So, all this is mine, by the way As far as the eye can see." "Really love with what you've done with the place." "Ya if you notice the nets, the brand new nets I had installed." "The original wood." "See those championship banners?" "When I first came to the school, they weren't here." "They were over there, I had 'em moved over there." "So.." "Russell, what has to go wrong in someone's life for them to end up being a middle school gym teacher?" "Well ah.. granted it wasn't the original plan As a young boy I wanted to be a professor of physical education." "At Harvard, but..." "I don't know..." "I like it here." "What went so wrong in your life that you ended up educating children?" "I don't know." "Maybe I was a bad person in an other life." "We should like... go have a drink..." "sometime... together." "Like over winter break." "Naah.. got something going." "Can I say something for the record?" "Fine." "It's about... your... ttt." "The big fake titties Are you really gonna do that?" "Why would you do that?" "Your tits are fine." "I like your tits..." "Ask my roommate." "Seriously?" "Seriously?" "Come on." "Seriously?" "Hey..." "Why are they closed?" "It's Christmas?" "Whatever..." "Hey you got a lighter?" "Miss Halsey, its me Garrett from school." "It's Garrett." "Having a nice Christmas?" "Aces..." "Ahh!" "What are you doing the rest of the day you gonna see your family?" "Ahh..." "Yeah I'm gonna go see some people We're having like a big..pot luck so..." "Miss Halsey?" "Would you like to come and spend Christmas with us?" "That we remembered Have we ever forget.." "What is that?" "haaha." "Guys, I'm really sorry I have to eat and run I gotta head over to the shelters so.." "Yeah, I really love helping bums." "But you'd have to wait for dessert we have a real treat." "Garrett, why don't you run and get some of your new poetry..." " I don't want to hear it" "God..." "I'm so embarrassed." "Don't be shy, marbles." "This is called the The Chase by Garrett Tiara." "XOXO, my love for you is XOXO." "About her smile that I would walk a mile for." "About her personality that makes me see the best in me." "One glance, one dance because together we can achieve...balance." "Thank you." "I loved it and I usually hate poetry." "Oh Philip, hate on Christmas?" "Oops..." "Sorry, Santa." "Sorry, Jesus." "Umm... why don't you two give me a hand with dessert?" "And we can let these two... discuss." "Fuck!" "So, the poem's about that girl?" "Yea, Chase." "I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel" "I knew she'd understand." "Listen, that's not gonna happen, buddy" "I was that hot girl, hotter... even and I would never have gone out with you." "And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that to be helpful." "What do you know?" "You don't even know our names" "I'll tell you what I know... a kid who wears the same gymnastic sweat shirt 3 days a week... isn't getting laid until he's 29 that's what I know..." "Sweat shirt was my dad's." "That's all he left me... when he left me." "There's a reason... he didn't pack it." "Just saying." "Welcome to the number one New Year's Eve Party in the entire world." "This is literally the biggest party..." "Aren't you going out with the other nurses?" "I'm not a nurse." "I thought you were a nurse." "I am a teacher." "Hey Welcome back." "A bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play, Do you wanna come?" "Period 5?" "Yeah the teacher band." "I'd rather get shot in the face." "So, are you guys coming to the palace tonight?" "My band's gonna do few songs..." "You are in Period 5?" "You're looking at the new rhythm guitarist and backup vocalist." "Should be fun." "Should be amazing." "Lynn you wanna come?" "Yes... yes." "Like you guys..." "You should go talk to someone, Lynn." "I'm fine... here." "Come on Lynn, you need to loosen up and live a little." "When's the last time you had a good dicking?" "A good dicking?" "Go talk to those guys over there." "With the cowboy hats?" "Yea." "Come on." "You come on..." "Go talk to them." "What am I gonna talk about?" "It doesn't matter." "You go... you start with one of em' and you start talking to the other one...and then you go back to the first one but still be touching the other one and then you just choose..." "Text book." "Yea, from the world's weirdest text book." "Lemme finish my drink." " Now Lynn!" "Second." "Now..." "Go!" "I like it here." "It is really fun over here." "Lynn, get your ass over to those cowboys." "Oooo... well..." "Glad I wore my fun underwear." "So, call me crazy, but this might be the best Period 5 show of all time." "What are you doing here, anyway?" "I thought it was poetry slam night." "I was gonna get drunk and mock them." "Sounds fun, actually" "I'll let you know, next time I go." "Not that fun." "Okay..just so you know..." "That shit does not faze me at all" "I'm like the fuckin Terminator dude." "I'm just gonna keep coming after you." "Just so we're clear." "Good luck with that." "Oh Shit!" "Check it out." "I'll be damned." "That shit worked!" "Super fast." "Wow, thank you guys for coming out What a turnout, right?" "Umm..." "I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank the guys from Period 5 for letting me join the band and." "Also I have an original song." "It is my first crack at song writing so..." "be kind." "And it goes out to someone very special." "There was a girl I met sometime ago." "Sympatico She helped me heal, she helped me grow." "Sympatico how do you know and you know and again you just know." "Sympatico." "Sympatico, Exotico." "Erotico." "You're my narcotic, Ohhh..." "Ask me how much I feel I'll say... a lot-a-co..." "We can never in the world be too much... before I met you... fuck!" "Is it me?" "I mean, is there something wrong with me?" "I don't think so." "I mean, sometimes you talk to people and..." "Thank you." "Forget him, at least now you can stop worrying about him and be the best teacher you can be.." "Who knows... maybe you'll win the bonus." "What bonus?" "For the state test." "Which ever teacher has the highest scoring class gets a bonus." "Amy wins every year." "How much?" "$ 5700." "Son of a bitch... 5700." "Yea..." "Goddamn it!" "Lynn." "You never tell me anything." "Yea..." "Come on." "C'mon c'mon c'mon..." "Let's go, We have a lot to go over." "Everybody sit down, come on.." "Where is the TV?" "Now everybody open your "To kill a mockingbird" to page 1." "Good, now..." "Who can tell me why Jem cries when the hole in the tree is filled with cement?" "Because she's a crybaby?" "Get out!" "We're here to learn." "Anybody else have a problem with that?" "Good Now who has the answer to my question?" "Nobody's read this book?" "It's on the syllabus." "Well..." "You never assigned it to us." "Well now..." "I am." "And we have a quiz tomorrow." "What?" "!" "On the first 100 pages." "You can't do that I have band and jazz band tonight." "We haven't had homework all year oh?" "Things are about to change around here." "Recess is over." "Because birds symbolize freedom?" "Good." "Good okay..." "Does anyone have anything to add to what that girl just said?" "So, what are the limitations of having Scott as the narrator?" "You, Chubs." "Because he..." "EEEH!" "Don't flinch... seriously..." "You and you... hold his arms down." "Next question." "Because Atticus is always the voice of reason and justice?" "Correct... here." "Smack me in the face." "Woooh!" "Wait!" "Miss Halsey... really?" "Wow!" "I never..." "We're in the middle of a lesson." "Twilight, look at me." "What did we talk about in class?" "Your weight should be evenly distributed You have to throw off the back foot." "Don't throw at her Throw through her." "Hit her!" "Hit her!" "Nail her!" "This is so funny, cause I love raisins and he hates raisins." "Ying and Yang." "You guys are so cute." "So cute?" "It's too cute almost." "Last weekend we went for a drive." "We had no idea where we were going, We left the maps at home..." "What!" "No way..." "It was fine." "I have a GPS navigator." "Oh, Thank God." "And we discovered this new Ethiopian restaurant." "They finally got their own cuisine Progress..." "Your shirt's misbuttoned Her shirt is misbuttoned." "Thank you Amy, for pointing that out." "You're so welcome." "Gosh!" "Its been such a mess this week." "You know, Just working myself to the bone." "Yeah, its been quite a change." "Well I think it's great." "I just love people who are so passionate about what they do... it's so inspirational." "Thanks." "Yea you know, some teachers just sail by doing that bare minimum thing..." "I don't know, it's just not me..." "It's good to know there's still some actual educators out there." "What else, Sasha?" "I think I've told you everything." "Anyone know where Danny Morbach is?" "Any more movies in class?" "No, we're actually learning." "Hey do you know Animal Farm isn't even really about animals?" "Animal Farm?" "Sasha, that's not even in the syllabus." "Yeah, I know you're forgetting something." "One extra credit on your diorama, or not?" "I do I want it." "Okay, okay think." "Let me think." "Well there was..." "Never mind." "What?" "Well it was okay... it was medicinal." "And if she claims it's medicinal, I would demand to see a prescription." "That's what I would do if I were you, Wally." "Do you have any proof other than what one student thought she saw?" "Well this one student is in line to be editor of The Daily Musket next year." "She's got a lot to lose going public with this." "If the Teacher's Union found out that I was administering a drug test to a teacher with this little proof..." "They would make my life a living hell, Amy..." "So, you're just gonna let her walk free?" "That's it!" "That's bonkers!" "Amy, Stop that Stop it!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sit down." "Amy, Do you see this beautiful little glass dolphin figurine?" "Mmmm..." "Look at it." "Yeah." "Look at it." "Looking at it!" "Elizabeth gave this to me." "She is a thoughtful young woman and she is teaching for all the right reasons." "Wally!" "Can't you see?" "She is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?" "No, what I see is that you are getting worked up And what I would hate to see... is for you to get overwhelmed... like you did in 2008." "Gotcha!" "Thanks Wally, for bringing that up." "Forgot all about that." "Do not do that with your mouth." "Regular mouth." ""Atticus Finch is a good lawyer because he is a good person... who's a lawyer."" "Stupid point, misspelled." ""Stupider"" "Is this English?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Pathetic." "This is why the Japs are overtaking us." "And believe me I don't mean you." "But, we're working really hard." "You're not working hard enough." "I need results." "Class dismissed." "OFFICIAL PRACTICE TEST MANUAL" "I need that test!" "Good afternoon, Illinois Standard Student Test." "How may I direct your call?" "Hi, my name is Marjorie Goodman and I'm calling from the Chicago Tribune." "Who could I speak to regarding the allegations of racial bias on your standardized tests?" "Please hold.." "Marjorie?" "You must be Carl?" "Thank you for meeting me on such short notice." "Of course." "Sure.." "Did you find the place okay?" "Was it a good drive?" " Great drive." "Listen Carl, I know that you are a very busy man So, I'm just gonna get right down to it" "I've been speaking to various..." "ah... black... citizens... who ...allege that your test are biased towards white people and orientals." "Okay..." "lemme tell you something right away A:" "Orientals test better..." "B:" "Every couple of years we get these cockamamie charges coming in from various parts of the state." "Let me just add..." "You should hear the things that they call me." "Racist, faggotron, faggy Hitler, dick breath..." "Okay...?" "But I am not racist." "I voted for Obama, you can quote me on that in your article." "You know what I think would help..." "Carl...?" "For me to see one of this year's tests." "Oh!" "Sure, I can get you one easy No problem." "Great... great!" "Umm..." "The day after the schools administer them, I will shoot one right over to you." "I was hoping to see it sooner." "I'm on a bit of a deadline." "No, no... that is absolutely classified Unless, unless you have one of these bad boys, right here." "Wow!" "You know Carl..." "Enough business for one night, don't you think?" "Oh... oh tell me bout that..." "I think I'm gonna have another drink before I hit the road." "...It's like the freedom and the wind in your hair, obviously the image... you don't wanna..." "But then there were others like... just..." "Like hopeless or scary... so I... count me out." "But you seem like such a wild man Carl..." "What turns you on Carl?" "Eh.." "Everything." "You wanna know what turns me on?" "Sex in an office." "Getting fucked really hard against a wooden desk." "Mine's metal." "Even better." "And voila." "So..." "This is the desk." "Do you have anything to drink?" "Uh Uhh!" "Yes I do!" "Voila." "White wine in the office?" "Bad Boy..." "Do you have any music Carl?" "I have the Internet radio." "I love Internet radio." "You've... come to... the right place." "Cause I have that." "See, I am not a wiz' at this computer here." "Umm... it's relatively new and Grace who is ah..." "Works with me on Mondays and Wednesdays and Thursday and..." "I share her with Greg across the way Greg across is actually the guy who got me into spinning." "Oh, there we go." "Shall we toast?" "To new friends And new lovers" "I'm gonna take off my shoes, is that okay?" "Whatever man." "I'm gonna go hit the ladies room." "Okay..." "There's a handicapped one..." "which is way closer use the handicapped one, its way closer" "I took off my shoes?" "Oh Carl..." "I wanna fuck you baa-side desk" "I wanna fuck you against the desk" "Carl.." "I'm gonna need you to pass the fuck out." "Marji..." "I am going to rock your vagina." "Ohh..." "The wine is good." "Hello titties..." "ONE MONTH LATER" "If anyone has any information regarding the missing Annie wig... please..." "let me know ASAP." "Come on, guys." "There's a wig missing." "Because if that wig isn't found you can bet your bottom dollar the sun will not come out tomorrow." "Back to you, Wally." "Ahh..." "Okay thank you, Amy." "I'm sure everybody wants to get home so I'm gonna be quick." "Four score and seven years ago." "That's a..." "Goddamn it!" "Sandy..." "He's so funny." "Huh..." "I have here I have here the results of the state exam." "And I'm happy to announce that the..." "John Adams Middle School, that's us..." "Scored in the top 5% of the whole state." "Nice..." "Good job, guys..." "And I wanna single out I wanna single out one of our own." "Who showed that with hard work and dedication..." "One teacher can make a difference." "And this teacher is now $ 5700 richer." "With the highest scores in Cook County." "That's the whole county" "I want everyone to give a big round of applause." "To Elizabeth Halsey." "Well done." "Thank you." "Congratulations, Miss." "Halsey." "Thanks dude." "Well if it isn't Professor Smarty pants?" "Don't mess with me, I'm a lot stronger than I look." "Elizabeth, I am so proud of you." "I mean if someone had told me at the beginning of the year that you... 'you'... would get the bonus..." "Won't have had to say to whom ever it was "No way"... "Absolutely not" and..." "Now, here we are..." "We should go out and celebrate." "Your treat?" "Yea, unfortunately Elizabeth, Scott and I have to go over the itinerary for the Springfield trip." "We're the chaperones we're going together." "We're dating... so..." "It'll also be romantic." "Have fun." "Yea, You're not seeing anyone now, right?" "Almost... done..." "Okay... so that's endorsed And put the rest on these." "Just put it." "Alrighty." "Okay." ""Ms. Squirrel says reading is fun"" ""Learning is Fun-tastic"" "Who did this?" "Aww..." "Come on." "Anyone wants extra sticker on their wall star board?" "What brings you here?" "Mr. Apple." "What was that, Mr. Apple?" "You want me to take a bite?" "Alrighty roo..." "Elizabeth, I just want to thank you again for stepping in today, you really saved us here." "No problem." "Is Amy gonna be okay?" "Yea, Amy's gonna be fine." "Well, let her know she's in my prayers." "Someone's calling my name." "I dare you." "I'm not afraid of your dare, Fabrigo." "That's really dangerous, Russell" "I'll call you from the hotel." "Bye, Amy." "Yea, she's sitting right next to me." "No." "Thanks for calling again" "Amy says "hi" Well she sure calls a lot." "So, are you excited about your surgery?" "I've never been more excited about anything." "It's a pretty inspiring message to the kids." "We should never stop working on ourselves." "Like you, with your little boobs or me experimenting with ethnic food." "Gosh!" "I never loose my keys." "Such a dingaling." "What's wrong with your face?" "What is wrong with your face?" "Hey..." "I'm Just trying to make conversation." "We're all done." "Super, thanks a bunchamous" "I knew it." "Well that is definitely Marjorie, only with kind of weird hair here In real life she's actually very pretty." "She in some kind of trouble?" "Marjorie?" "I think you're the one who might be in some kind of trouble." "Did you or did you not give her a copy of the state test?" "No, no... no absolutely not, no I..." "I did give her some quotes for her article." "What article?" "Her article for the Tribune." "She's a reporter there, right?" "Test tampering?" "At JAMS?" "This time I have a witness and like I said Wally, she stole the Annie wig." "We're dealing with a criminal mastermind." "Sorry to be the bearer of bad news Wall..." "You know... how much we all love her." "Okay, well..." "You know I have to call the superintendent." "We're gonna have to cross check her entire class's scores." "This is a real shit sandwich!" "Course, you know what scares me the most, Wall?" "This is just what we know, right?" "Who knows what else she's capable of?" "So awful." "Fruit Roll-Up?" "You know, when President Lincoln abolished slavery..." "It was not a popular opinion." " Hmmm." " I just hate slavery so so much." "Slavery's the worst." "If I could go back in time and undo slavery?" "I would." "I hate it." "I hate it." "Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt you guys, but..." "I couldn't help overhearing your conversation." "Can I tell you guys what I hate?" "Sharks." "Well sharks can tear families apart." "But they're also so majestic." "They are beautiful creatures." "But they're also so ferocious." "So ferocious." "One of nature's cruel joke I guess..." "Thank you, Elizabeth, for listening." "Scott, I want you to know You can talk to me about anything." "Your jeans feel so good against my jeans." "Totally." "Hey, your body feels so good." "Oh, I need some water." "Oh I'm drying' the shit out of you." "Oh Dry Fuck the fuck outta me, Scott." "Just stop talking." "I'm close." "Don't move." "Here I go..." "Almost." "Wait for it." "Really close.." "Ready?" "Mmmm..." "Yea." "Just stop talking." "Almost there." "That was great." "More like amazing." "Well, I'm gonna get going I don't want the kids to see me leaving your room" " Yea." "You're so sympatico." "Maybe next time we can dry hump without our clothes on." "I'm pretty sure I'd like that." "Even your forehead is sexy." "Oh, time for bed." "All right then." "See you in the manana" "Elizabeth, don't let the bed bugs bite" "I was just going over some stuff for tomorrow." "Yeah, cool..." "I'm serious." "Okay." "Cheers." "They forgot to restock my minibar." "How's yours lookin'?" "You know, I'm super tired I'm just gonna hit the sack" "I'll see you tomorrow then." "Good night." "And 17." "Oh, hold on." "Shelly..." "Ooo Shelly, someone's got a message." "Ah!" "Dry humping' the shit out of you." "Yeah, Dry Fuck the fuck outta me, Scott." "I wasn't always president." "Oh!" "no!" "I had many jobs when I lived here in New Salem." "My fave..." "My favorite job was, 'Splitting rails'." "Which is why they call me 'rail splitter'." "Anybody know... anybody know any of my other nick names?" ""Honest Abe"." "Yes, obviously." "Honest Abe." "That was the big one Honest Abe." "They always called me that because I said what was on my mind." "Even if it made me unpopular." "Remember, a great man always has the courage to say what is in his heart." "Yea?" "I love Chase Rubin Rossy." "Great." "Who would like to see Mary Todd churn butter?" "Churn butter?" "I love you, Chase." "I wanna yell it from the mountain tops." "And even though you pretty much stop talking to me in fifth grade..." "I don't care" "I remember the Chase that wrote me a card." "When my dad was overweight and had to go to the hospital because of his heart." "And a year later, when he left my mom and moved in with his trainer..." "You wrote me another card." "What happened to us?" "Remember, in the second grade when we had a sleep over and you wet the bed?" "And you were so embarrassed, and you made me promise never to tell anyone?" "Well, I never have and I never will." "So there it is My heart on a sleeve." "Don't let me leave." "Oh!" "Please don't." "Always believe." "Gross..." "Buuhhr!" "Loser." "Guys, c'mon settle down." "Okay..." "Let's see how Mary Todd's doing with that butter." "Okay..." "That's enough." "We get it, you're crying." "She just laughed at me and called me 'gross'." "Yeah!" "Did you hear your speech?" "Come on lets go back." "No." "No, I'm not going back." "Come on." "Just leave me alone." "Get your ass back here." "You done running?" "Ah?" "Everything okay in here?" "It's okay, I'm his teacher." "Oh Okay Take your time." "She's never gonna like me, is she?" "Are we still on this?" "She's my everything." "Here is the deal man..." "I cannot keep sugar coating this for you." "This girl is never gonna be interested in you." "Never." "You clearly have a... rich interior life with the poems and the whatever but..." "She wants a guy like Ian.." "What's his face?" "Ian Mandelbaum?" "The rapper?" "He's an idiot." "Yea, he's a fuckin' moron." "But she doesn't care." "She's superficial and her priorities are all fucked up." "She likes him because he's hot and popular dude." "You... are sensitive." "Yes, thank you." "It's not a compliment." "You have some rough road ahead of you." "Seventh grade is not your moment." "Yeah, eighth grade will be better." "Probably not." "I think in college." "That's your window, be ready." "...If I go back out there everyone's gonna laugh at me." "Maybe this will help." "What are you doing?" "I'm giving you a gift." "Wha... whoaa.." "We are gonna change the news cycle." "Trust me on this." "I thought it would be heavier." "Don't be weird, and take this off never fucking wear it again, what are you, crazy?" "Everything okay with Garrett?" "No, it's not" "I found him hooking up with an eighth-grader from another school." "She was jerking him off." "Yea, I'm gonna give him detention when we get back." "That's probably a good idea." "Garrett probably made out with a kid from an all boys school." "Yea, and he was wearing this." "What?" "Awesome." "It's real..." "That's a nice thing you did." "I don't know what you're talking about?" "Really?" "Cause I couldn't help but notice that you're not wearing a bra." "And those..." "Those kids over there are playing with one." "Lots of people don't wear bras." "Definitely." "Lots of teachers." "Well if you must know, I was helping a student through a tough time" "I'm going through such a tough time." "Can I have your panties?" "I'm not wearing any.." "Amy, what are you doing here?" "Scott, talk to the hand." "Amy?" "I know..." "Ev-ery-thing." "Carl Halabi." "The state test." "The blatant disregard for the school syllabus." "And let's not forget.." "The sleeping with my boyfriend" "Scott, your phone accidentally called me last night" "I can't believe you'd let her take advantage of you like that." "You are too trusting." "I am." "I didn't know what was happening" "I hope you haven't spent that bonus check on anything because you're about to give it back." "And then some..." "jail time..." "Jail time!" "Did you ever think that maybe..." "Save it doll face you can explain it all tomorrow to the principal." "And the superintendent." "When you got your meeting with the principal and the superintendent tomorrow." "At the meeting." "Tomorrow." "I need you to go to this guy's office and scare the shit out of him." "Tell me my mission again." "Hand him the envelope." "We're gonna need a couple bucks for gas." "And a couple bucks for snacks." "Oh my God!" "Sir?" "Oh my God, are you okay?" "I think I fucked up my knee." "Easy Easy does it, easy..." "You need an ambulance?" "Ambulance is not necessary." "I'll just walk it off." "Walking on it is the number 1 worst thing you could probably do." "Please don't touch my mirror." "Please sir?" "What the ff?" "What the fuck, who does that?" "I'm a friend of Marjorie's." "Oh!" "Friend of Marjorie?" "Well get then..." "Fuck you man." "Huh fuck you... fuck..." "You like that?" "Stop kicking it..." "You stop fucking kicking it." "Fuck your scooter and fuck Marjorie." "She drugged me and she stole from me..." "and she's going down." "Let me think." "Take it." "And open up... open up." "Ya, not bad... for a camera phone Huh?" "You can keep them too" "Fuck!" "And I was never here." "You hear me?" "Fuck." "Don't..." "Stop fucking with my car." "They're ready for you." "Learning is fun-tastic." " What did you say to me?" "Your desk?" "Yea, I forgot that was there." "I'm such a ditz sometimes." "This is very very bad, Elizabeth." "Incredibly very bad, Elizabeth" "That doesn't sound like observing." "Amy, you said you wouldn't speak." "Bring him in." "Mr. Halabi, thank you for your time." "Most welcome." "I guess I should begin by saying that my statement from earlier in the week was not true." "What part of it, exactly?" "All of it.." "Pretty much" "I've never seen this woman before in my life." "Baloney." "You seemed..." "very certain a couple of days ago?" "I did, because... umm..." "I'm a casual drug user." "That's my thing, and everybody knows it. so.." "That explains me making absolutely no sense." "Thank you." "You realize that... if we find out you're lying, You're gonna lose your job." "Plus jail time." "Yes I understand." "I just don't want to see an innocent teacher get hurt." "Thank you, sir." "I don't want to see anybody get hurt." "What the hell was that?" "So, there you go." "I guess that explains everything." "Retest!" "Retest!" "Retest!" "Damn it!" "Squirrel..." "I am not going to have a repeat of 2008!" "Sit your ass down!" "A retest on?" "C'mon." "Do we really wanna tell our young people... that if they study, sacrifice... and achieve the highest scores in the state... that they're rewarded with suspicion?" "I don't!" "I find these kind of accusations troubling." "And quite frankly, reckless." "I worked my ass off for this school." "And I know I am not perfect." "But show me the perfect teacher." "You can't." "There are even teachers in this very school who use drugs." "They do, they do use drugs." " They do" "They do" "They do" "Wally, do you remember how I told you, there are teachers here who use and abuse drugs?" "God damn it!" "And I'm hearing about this now?" "Where is it Axle?" "Where's it boy?" "No, no, no that's my class." "Axle's barking up the wrong tree there." "Ma'am!" "Please don't touch the dog." "Your dog is mistaken." "We've got a desk.." "He's not gonna find anything in here." "Clean!" "Haa!" "I told you." "Maybe there's a false bottom." "That is not mine." "This... ss thiszzz..." "This isn't even my desk, it's hers!" "Don't worry Amy..." "We'll get you the help you need." "You monster!" "Wow woah woo wow Amy..." "Calm down lady." "Fucking damn it!" "What the fuck!" "?" "I stole her desk." "You can check my urine." "Check it Check my urine." "Well its been another great year here at JAMS." "With summer around the corner, it's time to say goodbye not only to another school year..." "But also to one of our..." "Amy Squirrel, after six short years, Amy is transferring out of the district." "Speech, speech." "Well..." "Aaah!" "Wally thank you for those kind words, and thank you all." "My decision that I made myself to leave was super difficult." "But when the superintendent personally asks you to work at one of the worst schools in the state?" "Well... you say 'YES'." "Boy, I am looking forward to bringing my brand of zany energy to those underprivileged students at Malcolm X high school." "Thank you." "Hey, Elizabeth.." "Listen, since Amy's transferring, maybe the two of us can start over." "Oh, hey there.." "Scott Delacorte." "And you are?" "Leaving." " Elizabeth?" " Here." " Sign my yearbook." " Hold my ball sack" "I'm gonna write my number down just in case you need a lift after the surgery." "Just like an extra set of hands to make sure the implants are settling properly." "Thanks." "Hey, uh..." "You're not gonna teach again next year, are you?" "I don't know..." "It's the only thing I'm good at" "I'm just saying maybe you should consider doing something else..." "like anything else." "Like any other job... in the entire world." "You know?" "The two of us..." "It's never gonna happen." " Clearly?" " How would that even work?" "Where do you even live?" "In some weird apartment with some creepy roommate?" "No, my creepy roommate moved out." "So now its just... just me... and the dogs." "How many dogs do you have?" "Four." "Four dogs?" "Four Dobermans." "Any family money?" "Yea, you bet?" "We're talking like three figures.." "Almost 700 bucks." "So, basically, if I was gonna go out with you, I would be making the conscious choice to be dating a Gym Teacher who lives in a shack with four dogs?" "I prefer to think of it as two people with amazing bodies... sharing those bodies with each other." "Giving each other the gift of these bodies." "Anyway, actually none of this really matters Umm..." "I sort of... started seeing somebody." "Really that's..." "Congratulations I didn't..." "I didn't realize that so..." " So stupid... so..." " I'm just fucking with you." "Guess I deserved that one..?" "Yea, you most certainly do" "I think it's about time you realize, that the whole world's just..." "See you around Gym teacher." "Hey..." "Let's do that again." "THREE MONTHS LATER." "Hey, Elizabeth." "Hey Lynn, how was your summer?" "Oh it was great." "I went to the zoo almost every weekend." "Wow!" "Sounds great." "Oh!" "..." "You didn't get your..." "Your titties...?" "Yea..." "I thought about it, you know Cause I don't even need them." "Plus they're really expensive, you know.." "per tit." "Yea, and you got to get two of them." "And I met a guy." "Oh!" "Tell me everything." "Did you find your Prince Charming?" "Something like that." "Hey, you wanna grab lunch later?" "Oh!" "Oh sure, yea, my treat." "Oh!" "You got it last time." "We'll split it." "Oh!" "Okay yeah." "Hey, you in the cape You're up first." "Let's go"