" Happy birthday, dear!" " Ah!" "Thank you." "Wow!" "The smell of eggs and bacon." "My favourite." " Actually, I'm boiling Nick's underwear." " Oh." "Lovely." "So no surprise breakfast?" " No." "Unless..." " No, thank you." "I'll stick to cereal." "So, er..." " I'm ready." " Cornflakes in the cupboard." "You little pixie." "Stop it." " I meant my presents." " I didn't get you any presents." " Oh..." "OK." " You said you didn't want any fuss." "Yes, but I didn't say I didn't want anything." "Ah, Mikey!" "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey." "What have you got there?" " Happy birthday, Dad." " Thank you." " You said you didn't want any fuss." " I said I didn't want any lip." " He hasn't given you any." " It's only ten to nine." "So, your birthday, eh?" "Seem to come quicker and quicker each year." "Is it something special, like a 70th?" " Here he comes." "Yes!" " Morning, guys." "Nick..." "That's a pot full of your old pants." "Needs some Tabasco." "How's the birthday boy, then?" "I dread to think what you've got me as a present." " I didn't get you any presents." " Thank you." "Only joking!" " So?" " So here it is." ""The soft answer turneth away wrath."" " What kind of hell present's that?" " The best kind." "Well-chosen words of advice may not cost much, but will last a lifetime." " Yes." "These cornflakes won't." " You said you didn't want any fuss." "Your mother said she didn't want any fuss on her birthday, but everybody bought her lots of lovely presents." "We knew she'd be upset if we didn't." " I'm upset!" " But it somehow washes over us." "How come nobody does what I say except when I don't want them to?" " You confuse us." " Oh!" "Things are looking up." "Oh, yes!" "Madam Hooch." "I'll have that." "Hello." "I can't imagine you'd know what day it is today." "Actually, I do." "It's..." "Friday." "Tuesday?" "February?" "Oh, well." "Off to work." "# If I never have a cent" "# I'll be rich as Rockefeller" "# Gold dust at my feet" "# On the sunny side of the street!" "#" "I think he'll make a go of this Gorilla-Gram business" "Yes." "It's been two days." "Practically a career in Nick's terms." "Health scheme, pension, as many bananas as you can eat." "Great." "It comes to something when your own mother forgets your birthday." "She didn't forget." "I told her you didn't want any fuss." "Great." "Splendid." "So no cards, no gifts." "When you do buy me a gift it's never what I want, so this year is going to be different." "Oh, no!" "Oh, really?" "For me?" "Oh, that's so sweet." "Look at this." "Oh, that's nice." "Isn't that nice?" ""To Ben." "Happy birthday from your best friend, Ben."" " You got yourself a present." " That is so sad." "Look at this." "Oh, yes, yes, yes." "What do you think?" "It looks like earth, but I'm sure that's the wrong answer." "It's not just earth." "This is the genuine... hallowed soil from the penalty area at Wembley Stadium." " World Cup 1966." " Where did you get that?" "I got it from a website that sells sports-related soils from around the world called..." "Clods Online." "How appropriate." " It's easy to mock." " You make it easy." "It's what I've always wanted and now I've got it." "A box of earth?" "If it makes you happy..." "I'm going to be happy." "I'm very bloody happy, in fact." "I'm going to be even happier..." "in the other room." "On my own." "It is his 70th, isn't it?" "(# Match Of The Day theme)" " Enjoying yourself, dear?" " Yup." "In spite of everything." "You didn't think I'd ignore your birthday?" "I'm happy being ignored." "I just want a bit of peace and solitude." " Well, I've got a surprise for you." " I don't like surprises." " You'll like this one." " What is it?" " If I tell you, it won't be a surprise." " Give me a hint." "Janey's coming for the weekend." "Give me a different hint." " She's asked if she can bring a friend." " And you said no." " Yes." " Good." " No, I said yes." " Why did you say that?" "Don't be naive." "She wouldn't have come without her boyfriend." " And your point is?" " You'll have your whole family here." " Plus a hairy-arsed, smelly student." " You don't know what he'll be like." "I pieced bits of Janey's old boyfriends together and came up with a Franken-boyfriend." " Can't we discuss it?" " No." " Fine." "She's coming and that's that." " OK." "Where are they going to sleep?" " Abi's got her room now." " Simple." "We'll sleep on the sofa bed." "Ah." "And the boyfriend?" " Ah." " Aha!" " We'll put her on the sofa bed." " And the bloke?" " He'll sleep on the floor." " And you think I'm naive?" "They can arrange it." "What a ridiculous house." "No guest rooms." "It was designed that way." "That's why I bought it." "No guests." "You don't know where that's been." "I know exactly where it's been." "That's the point." "The penalty area of Wembley Stadium, World Cup 1966." "All right." "So where's the grass?" "Please, Susan..." "That's so sweet." "The grass will have changed umpteen times since 1966." "That is the subsoil." " Which makes it worth L200." " L200?" " It's my money." " Not any more." " Did somebody say L200?" " Janey's back." " Darling..." " Hi, Janey." "Hi." " Did you have a good trip?" " Don't know yet." "Not too late to turn back." "How lovely you came for Dad's birthday." "It's what any daughter would do... after three hours of phone calls, 15 emails and loads of text messages." "It's what any mother would do." "Oh, Dad." "I nearly forgot." "This is for you." "Oh, Janey, you sh..." "Oh." "Credit card bills." "That's just what I expected." " Where's your friend?" " Outside, paying the taxi." "Great." "Some other bloke to pay." " This is Kate." " Hello." "Let's go up to my bedroom." " Actually, it's Abi's bedroom now." " You were quick to chuck me out." "Been planning it for years." " So where do we sleep?" " Sofa bed." " Try again." " They can have our bedroom." " Result." "I'll get our stuff." " Great." "Thank you." "Happy birthday, Ben." " You wanted it to be like any other day." " It's not, is it?" "It's worse." "Happy birthday, Mr Harper." "She remembered." "So, Kate..." "Any plans while you're down here?" "Shopping, maybe?" "I've come down for the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival." "And for a seminar on lesbians in the third world, and I'll pop in to the Lesbian Bookshop." " So I take it you're a..." " Lesbian, yes." "Looking forward to a packed and exciting weekend." "Doing lesbian things." "I am, actually." "Janey, are you OK about sharing?" "And, of course, you, Kate, with..." "Yeah." "We're cool." "Come on, Kate." "I'll show you where everything is." "She seemed... agreeable." " Who, Kate?" " I didn't mean Janey." "It's good Kate's a lesbian." "Yeah." "Yeah." "It's great." "There are many notable lesbians in history." " Catherine the Great." " Name says it all." " kd lang." " Wonderful voice." " Sharon Simpson." " Who?" "One of my patients." "Lovely teeth." "And she pays on time..." "which, I think, is great." "Listen, you don't think that?" "Hello." "I'm home." " Nice day?" " Yeah." "Not bad." "Except a nutter on the bus kept staring at me." "Monkey see, monkey do." " What's the briefcase for?" " Paperwork." "(# Match Of The Day theme)" "Hi, Dad." " What's that?" " I'm not telling you." "You'll only laugh." "(Susan cackles)" " No, I won't." "Go on." " No." "I promise." "It's some soil I bought from the Internet." "Penalty area..." "Wembley Stadium, 1966." "That is brilliant." "That is fantastic." " Thanks, mate." "Thank you." " I'm so jealous." " That's the best scam I've ever heard." " It's not a scam!" " I wish I'd thought of that." " It's not a scam." "Look." "Here's the certificate of authentication from Jeff Watson." " Who's Jeff Watson?" " He runs Clods Online." "The guy's a genius." "Nick, you're wrong." "Look at it." "Look." "(# Match Of The Day theme)" "Eh?" "It's the genuine thing." "It's history in a box." "I'm with you, Dad." "When I'm dressed as a gorilla, people believe I'm a gorilla even though I'm not." "And that's all that matters." "It's just a question of faith and hope." " You forgot the slap round the head." " Come on." "You wouldn't hit a gorilla." " You're not a gorilla." " Shush." "You'll spoilt it for Dad." "What does a Gorilla-Gram do?" "It's not another stripping job?" "No." "You're thinking of a Strippagram." "A Gorilla-Gram is entirely different." "I burst into the room unannounced, do a bit of the comedy banana play, then I sing them Happy Birthday or Congratulations or Deepest Sympathy." "Then if they want me to strip, I do." "Why don't you strip for your dad?" "If I do it for anyone, it'll make it tacky." " Mum, is Kate around?" " She and Janey have gone to a club." " I wanted to ask her a question." " Something I can help with?" " I hardly think so." " You can ask me." "You don't understand." "It's got to be Janey or Kate or someone like that." " Like what?" " Nothing." " What was that all about?" " He's bound to be curious at his age." " About what?" " Well, here's a clue." "Kate and Janey have gone to a club called Girl Girl Action." "Yes, but Janey's just keeping Kate company." "If it makes you happy..." "Oh, no. my worst nightmare." "Two lesbians sharing a bed in my house and one of them's my sister." "You're not comfortable with this, are you?" "No, I'm not comfortable with this." " Bloody sofa bed." "Oh, dear..." " You don't understand what I mean." "I never do." "That's what keeps us together." "I always wondered whether one of our children might turn out gay." "My money was on Michael." " It's going to be complicated." " Yeah." "Maybe I shouldn't have tried to teach her how to play football." " You never did." "You taught Nick." " Don't blame me for Nick." "It's not a matter of blame for anyone." "No." "No, you're right." "We're not responsible for her choices." "It's not a matter of choice either." "Don't you know about the revolution in sexual politics of the last 30 years?" "I was absent that day." "Anyway, it's not like it's... you know... anything unusual." " We've all experimented in our youth." " No, we haven't." " Have we?" " Of course we have." "Go on." " No." "What about you?" " What about me?" "That time in the rugby club showers." "That doesn't count." "They tricked me." " What made you give them our room?" " It's sweet." "Leave them be." "When it was a boyfriend it was inappropriate, now it's girl-girl, it's fine." "Anyway, we don't know if Janey is..." "what we think she is, you know, gay." "No, we don't." " Even if she were... gay, I'm fine with it." " Yeah." "I'm fine." " So we're both fine with it." " Yeah." " Good." " Good." " Oh, Ben..." " What?" "Could you get my toothbrush?" "It's in our bedroom." "Why do you want your toothbrush?" "I want to design a cathedral." "Why do you think?" " You cleaned your teeth." " I haven't." " You were hogging the basin." " I want to clean them again." "Why?" "I just ate chocolate." "They feel all furry." "Really?" "Why don't you go and get it?" " It'll look like I'm snooping." " Aren't you?" "No." "What are they going to say if I go in?" "You're a man." "You're of no interest to them." "They won't even notice you." "They're lesbians, what's your excuse?" " Just go." " No, I'm not." " Why are you making such a fuss?" " Why are you making such a fuss?" " Because..." " All right, all right!" "We'll end up arguing so long we'll be in a feedback loop until I get so bored I give in." "To save time, I'm going to give in now." "I'll get your toothbrush." "Ben, remember, just be yourself." "No!" "Scrub that!" " (Knocking)" " Janey, it's me." "It's all right." "Come in." "Just looking for your mother's toothbrush." " OK." " Carry on with what you were doing, or..." "Not doing." "Act as if I'm not here..." "but remember I am." " Something wrong with your eyes?" " No." " We're over here." " Where?" "Down a bit." " Hi." " Oh..." " Thanks for letting us use your room." " You're welcome." " Lovely bed." " Yeah." "Nice and bouncy." "Yeah." "I'll just..." "Oh, come on." "Where's the bloody thing?" "(Electrical whirring)" "Dad?" "You're holding us up." "What's wrong, Dad?" "I thought you were using a..." "your mother's toothbrush." "You're not." "It's yours and that's fine." "It's good, isn't it?" "Um... good night." " Well?" " It wasn't there." " What?" " Your toothbrush." "Forget that." "What were they doing?" "Kate was reading a book and Janey was cleaning her teeth with her toothbrush." " What else were they doing?" " Giggling." " What sort of giggling?" " Susan..." "There is no Beaufort Scale of giggling from zero, heterosexual smirk, to 12, gale force bull dyke guffaw." "If you're going to be silly..." "There's no point in having this conversation." "No, no." "We've got to get to the bottom of this." " Good luck." " You'll have to go back in." " Susan, the toothbrush isn't there." " I know." "It's here." "You sent me up there on a fool's errand." " You were the right man for the job." " Very good." "Susan, why did you try to trick me into spying on them?" "I go into a room where two girls are sharing a bed... and guess what, they're sharing a bed." "It was you who suggested they share a bed, as I recall." "The only thing I've learnt from this is where your bloody toothbrush is." "Which is why I sent you there." "I'm not going again, OK?" "Now I've got a headache." "Where's the aspirin?" "In the side table in our bedroom." "It's almost good." " Hello, Janey." " What?" " Are you gay?" " No." " OK." " Why?" "Mum and Dad asked me to ask you." " How much did they pay you?" " 20 quid!" "I see." "You won't tell them?" "No way." "If I play this right, it could be regular work." "Can you pass the butter, please?" " Would you like some toast, dear?" " No, thanks." "I'm on a low-carb diet." "Would you like the water the egg was boiled in?" "(All) Morning." "Would you like tea or coffee?" "It's your choice." " Sleep all right then?" " Yeah... eventually." "Um..." "Janey and Kate..." "do you mind if I ask you a question?" " Michael." " It's all right, Mum." "Fire away." "I was wondering, me and my friends..." "what do you and Kate actually do?" "What do you mean, what do we actually do?" "At university, on a communications course." "What is that, communications?" "It's not one of those Mickey Mouse courses?" "No." "That's animation." "Well, that's that all sorted out then, isn't it?" " Mum, can we borrow the car today?" " Of course, dear." "That's fine by us." " Great." " It's your life." "Whatever you do, you're still our daughter and we'll always love you." " Anything else you'd like?" " Yeah." "L2,000." " What?" " Of course, dear." "Make it 3,000." "Yeah." "And throw in the house and the furniture." "No, that's too much." "I'd settle for backpacking in the Far East for a year, to find myself." "I'll give you a clue." "You're in my kitchen." "There." "Saved you a year off." " Mum?" " Yes, why not?" "Take a year off, follow your dream." "We'll support you all the way." "Who knows, maybe in time you'll find that special someone." "And leech off him." " Or her." " I'm sorry." "You've pushed this too far." " Just because you're... and she's..." " Ben, what you're saying is nonsense." "And what you're saying isn't?" "I'll make it clearer." "No, no, no." "Great." "Same old story then." "I ask you for three little things and you get all Victorian." "You... homophobes!" "Guess she's the butch one." " You OK?" " No." "I was this close to getting my backpacking trip." "I knew I could count on Mum's hippy values, but how could I forget Dad?" " I'm such an idiot." " What do you mean?" "If they thought I was gay, backpacking would be the least of their worries." "What?" "So I'm part of Operation Lesbo?" "Come on." "We used each other." "You get your free weekend and I get..." "It would serve them right if we did have an affair." " Hah!" "In your dreams." " What?" " I mean, look at you." " I look all right." "And self-centred, boring and shallow." "You'd make a paddling pool look deep." "I do look good." "(Door slams)" " Oh, has Katie gone?" " Didn't you hear the door slam?" "That could be anybody in this house." "Mum, I'm so depressed." "Hold that thought, Janey." "Ben?" " Mm-hm?" " Janey's depressed." "We need to talk." " I'll wait in the kitchen." " Sit." "Mum..." "Dad..." "there's something I need to tell you." "Yes?" "I don't know how to say this, but the thing is..." "I'm shallow." " Shallow?" " Are you sure, dear?" "Yes." "I've been trying to hide it, bury it deep in my inner self... but it turns out I haven't got one." " Perhaps you're confused, dear." " I'm never confused." "I'm too shallow." "She's not shallow, is she, Ben?" "Well, I suppose we've always secretly known it." " No, we haven't." " Those telltale signs." "The magazines under the bed - Tatler, Vogue, Hello!" " That's not all she reads." " Actually, it is." " But you do think about things." " Yes." "Shoes, mainly, and how I appear to other people." "I've taught you it doesn't matter what other people think about you." "You haven't got a clue, Mum." "What other people think about you is the whole point of being shallow." "You're no use at all." " Perhaps you'd rather talk to your father." " I don't think so." "Susan..." "I really..." "Susan." "I..." "I, um..." "Janey, it's always... difficult putting yourself into someone else's shoes." " Shoes..." " Forget shoes." "What I'm trying to say, and I'm sure your mother will agree, that, you know... you can't be shallow." "Because you've grown..." "And now you're in this relationship with Kate, which is wonderful." "You can't be shallow because there's more depth to you than just money and shoes." "I mean, now that you're..." " Dad, I'm not gay." " Gay." "I know, I know." "I really respect you for the courage you've shown..." " What do you mean, you're not gay?" " I'm not gay." "Well, that about takes the biscuit!" "How dare you not be gay?" "Good God!" "You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger..." " You said anger." " I was angry twice." "We reach tolerance and acceptance and then you tell us you're not gay!" "My own daughter, I feel betrayed!" "And I had a birthday yesterday and nobody did a dickie." "Nothing!" "I didn't even get a dinner!" "And you thought you were shallow." "# Happy birthday to you!" "#" "Look, I said I didn't want any fuss." "Isn't this nice?" "The whole family together." "All right, Dad?" "Sorry I couldn't make it." "Got called away on an urgent Vicar-Gram." "Doesn't matter." "You're here now." "Get yourself a seat." "Join the party." "Hey, come on, have a glass of wine." "Susan?" " Who's that?" " My mate, Wiggy." "All right, Wiggy?" "It was a big night for you, so he agreed to stand in for me." "Right." "Oh, good." "So there's a Nick Harper substitute bench." " God help us." " You didn't notice any difference." "He's got your table manners." "Oh, well." "You all believed I was here and that's what matters." "Faith and hope." "Two pillars of the Christian Church." "Shall I say grace?" "(Doorbell)" "Mum, Dad..." "this is my new friend, Gareth." "We might be gay but it's gonna cost you 50 quid to find out." "Good luck, Gareth." "He's still coming to terms with it."