"Subs by Mothman" "This looks nothing like a chair." "Yeah, maybe we should throw it away." "Whoa." "Hold up." "What?" "We have got a very special guest in The Bench today." "Is that Gladys from the DMV?" "Whoa." "This is too weird." "There's a demon buying paper towels." "My brain is itchy." "Hold on." "What, do demons just live like regular people?" "I mean, do they sleep?" "Do they eat?" "Apparently, they go to the bathroom." "A lot." "I've got so many more questions." "I need answers." "Sock, don't do anything stupid!" "Sam, I am almost certainly going to do something stupid." "It's in my blood." "You know that." " Andi." "Andi!" " What?" "Get lost." "I'm taking this register." "What do you mean?" "Ted said that I gotta..." "Forget about Ted." "I'll buy you a shot later." "Please just go!" "Easy, weirdo." "Yeah, right." "I'm the weirdo." "I'm open on four." "Open on four." "So, Glad-bags... just watching you shopping around The Bench... and I got to wondering... what does a pretty, young demon like yourself do... when she's not shipping souls off to hell?" "Do you take these?" "Coupons?" "El diablo not forking out the big bucks, huh?" "Just ring me up so I never have to come back here." "Oh, come on, Gladys." "Don't be such a sourpuss, okay?" "Listen, hey, I'll load up your car, we'll go inside... and I'll buy you a smoothie." "What do you say?" "Hot dog maybe?" "Churro?" "No?" "All right." "You're welcome." "Oh, whoa!" "What are you going to do, Gladys?" "Are you gonna hit me in the middle of the parking lot... with all these people watching?" "You haven't got the stones!" "Not even clo..." "Have a nice day." "Dedication, drive, desire... and fantastic personal hygiene." "Don't think I didn't notice, Frank Pool." "Get up here and accept your "Employee of the Month" award." "Hey-hey!" "Frankie!" "He always did smell good." "So it's your birthday in a couple of days." "What do you want to do?" "I don't know." "Why don't we just do something low-key?" "You know, maybe go to a movie." "Maybe you guys, Josie, Greg." "As for our next category, Dog of the Month..." "Uh-oh." "For the employee that shows an utter lack of... well, everything." "Okay!" "Winner, winner, chicken dinner, Theodore." "I will accept your award with..." "Dog of the Month goes to Sam." " Whoa." "What?" " What?" "No, I demand a recount, Ted." "I've had that award going on nine months now in a row!" "As Dog of the Month, your responsibility... will be to clean the gum... out of the inside of the dumpster." "You are indeed the better man, Sam." "You have earned it." "What the hell?" "Wine?" "1982 Chateau Mouton Rothschild." "Only the best for you." "Prost." "Oh, you might want to take off that rubber, buddy." "Okay, so what's the catch?" "No catch." "This is all for you." "That lobster will melt in your mouth." "There's no way you're being this nice to me." "Hey, I'm not Ted." "What a dick!" "Dog of the Month?" "You just put that out of your mind." "You, Sam, are my Employee of the Month." "What is that?" "Open it." "Put it on." "Oh, that looks good." "Handsome." "Wow." "This is really nice." "Just a small token of my appreciation." "When you look at it, I hope you can think of me... fondly, if you can." "But I'll be happy if you just wear it." "And finally, the case file for the next escaped soul." "Curtis Dean Mays." "Yeah, one mean dude." "Multiple murderer." "The authorities caught him ten years ago... put a needle in his arm." "But he's back, and he's killing again." "People will say it's the work of a copycat... but it's Mays." "He wants revenge." "You're giving me all this, and there's no catch?" "Will you please just take it for what it is?" "My way of making your life a little nicer." "Can you get somebody to clean out the dumpster?" "When you're ready, sir." " Press enter." " No, don't." "Right there." "All right, look." "Last time she was here... she bought electrical tape and some tarps." "What are you guys doing?" "Hey." "Oh, Sock's checking the computer... to see what Gladys buys while she's here." "Oh, enough with Gladys, already." "You guys, come on." "No." "Look, look, look." "On September 3rd, she bought twine, a shovel... and four boxes of rat poison." "So?" "Well, Sam, a demon doesn't want to poison rats." "In fact, they're probably one of their four major food groups." "Maybe she isn't using the poison on rats." "Maybe it's up to us to figure out what she is using it on." "You guys, Gladys is gonna have to wait, okay?" "We have more important business right now." "That's a mean-looking dude." "I'm sorry, but if you name your kid Curtis Dean Mays... you're begging for him to be a killer." "See any birds in these tattoos?" "I don't think so." "Why?" "Aw, birdie." "Yeah, I don't know what it means yet." "I don't know what we're looking for." "The devil says Mays is out for revenge." "Against who?" "I don't know." "We've got all the names of the people involved in the trial." "We've got defense lawyer, prosecutor, judge." "Maybe one of them can tell us where to start looking." "Remove all metallic items from your pockets, please." "What is wrong with you?" "Stop it." "This tattoo is so itchy!" "Oh, great." "Got another one." "What does it mean?" "Bird six." "Red bird." "Red six." "Uh, sex bird." "Sexy bird." "Sex dirty bird." "Dirty, sexy bird." "Please remove any metallic items from your pockets." "What's that?" "That's Andi's birthday present." "You want to see it?" " Yeah." " She saw it in a store... and I went back and got it for her." "Ooh, wow." " Nice, huh?" " Oh, my God." "What?" "Dude, you cannot give that to her." "Yeah..." "Yeah, I can." "Uh, doctor?" "If you would, please?" "Absolutely." " Do not give that to her." " Why not?" "'Cause it has a diamond on it, Sam." "Yeah, a really small diamond." "Sam, that's a present you would give your wife, okay?" "Guys, that's stupid." "We're friends." "I'm giving her a friend present." " Wife present." " Shut up." "Sam, it's something Greg would give her... and you're not her boyfriend." "He is." "I mean, think about it." "You give that to her, you're basically saying... you want the relationship to change." "You sure you want to do that?" "All right, fine." "I'll get her something else." "Thank you." "Do you have any metallic items in your pocket?" " Let's go." " Which way?" "This way." "So, uh, what's your book about?" "True crime, sir." "We're writing about Curtis Dean Mays." "Mays..." "a nasty piece of work." "Good thing we eat nasty for breakfast." "Mays kept the police... running around in circles for a long time." "Always changed his M.O." "Never used the same weapon twice." "Was there anybody Mays blamed for his conviction?" "Everyone but himself." "In fact, his own defense lawyer when the verdict came in." "Funny." "He's dead now." "The lawyer?" "Yeah." "They found his body two days ago." "Shot in the head." "Oh, my God." "Do you have any leads?" "Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss any ongoing investigation... but it looks like we might have a copycat killer." "Ooh, copycat." "Hey, Evan." "I've got those briefs for you." "I'm sorry." "I didn't realize that you were in a meeting." "Oh, it's okay." "These guys are writing about Curtis Dean Mays." "Ooh, what a fascinating subject." "What inspired you to write about him?" "We wouldn't want to bore you." "That would never happen." "I am a huge fan of the true crime genre." "Who is this?" "Surely there were some books that have influenced your work." "Murder, She Wrote... book version and Clue... the board game... book." "They made a book." "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "It's Judge Collins." "Hey, listen to this." "Judge Collins presided... over the Curtis Dean Mays murder trial." "Yeah." "He killed his lawyer, now the judge." "He's getting revenge against the system... that put him to death." "And you know who's next, right?" "Yeah." "Franzen." "He was the prosecutor." "Has that been there the whole time?" " All right!" "Taser!" " Nice." "Finally, something that can do some real damage." "All right, we've got Franzen's address in the case file." "I say we stake out his house tonight..." "Taser a soul." "No, no, no." "No can do, Sam." "What?" "Why?" " What?" " Yeah." "Well, because, Sam... because... because Ben and I have lives, all right?" "We have things that need to get done... that don't necessarily include following souls... around town with you, okay?" "Can you wrap your little head around that?" "So you're going to Gladys' house?" "That's exactly it." "You have your mission, Sam." "Maybe this is my mission." "Your mission is to stalk a demon?" "Perhaps." "Perhaps it is." " Hey, Andi." " Hey." "And Greg." "What's up, Sam?" "What happened to your hair?" "Nothing?" "Oh." "So that's on purpose." "Okay, I'm gonna get back to work..." " so I'll see you later." " Yeah, see ya." " Bye." " Bye." "Sam, come here." " I need your help." " Mm-hmm?" "I'm planning this huge surprise party for Andi... at this club a buddy of mine owns." "What I need you to do... is pretend your movie thing is still on... but then bring her to the club instead." "You down?" "Um, Greg, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a huge party." "Yeah, but this is gonna be awesome." "Yeah, but she says she just wanted things to be low-key." "I just need to know if you're gonna be cool and help me." "Are you?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'm cool." " Great." " Great." " Thanks, buddy." " No problem... buddy." "You know, Gladys' house is pretty normal, actually." "I was thinking the exact same thing." "Give me your cup." "This hot chocolate?" "Key lime martini." "Mmm, classy." "All the way, baby." "Hello?" "Hey, Sammy boy, how we doing over there?" "I'm at the district attorney's house." "But it's quiet." "I don't think the soul's coming after him." "Okay." "Well, whatever." "Did you miss me?" "More than you'll ever know, sweetheart." "Oh, gotta go, gotta go." "What?" "What are they doing?" "You're a witch!" "Do you see the arm on that guy?" "Nice form, buddy." "Get off my lawn!" "Whoa, get down." "Yeah, you better run, or I'll cook your brains in stew!" " Witch!" " Monster!" "Did you hear that?" "She cooks kids." "We've got to get in that house to see what she's up to." "Yeah, pronto." "Who's there?" "Gotcha!" "Oh." "Oh, no." "Listen, I am..." "I am so, so sorry." "I would never... definitely..." "I had no idea who you were, sir." "Where did you get this?" "That was a gift from a friend." "Yeah." "Well, Mr. Oliver, I'm gonna take you in." "Can't you just let me off with a warning?" "You assaulted a law enforcement official." " By accident." " Turn around." "Put your hands behind your back." "Okay." "You're not..." "That's a nice watch." "Where did you get it?" "It was also a gift from a friend." "Take it off." "I want to see it." "Yeah, yeah." "You know what?" "You can have it if you want... just as a token of my appreciation or whatever." "Yours." "It's a great watch." "Don't let me catch you in this neighborhood ever again." " Never again." " Ever." "You won't." "So did he get all foamy at the mouth... and twitchy when you zapped him?" " Not really." " Too bad." "You probably did it wrong." "He's got the vessel, though." "I gotta figure out a way to get it back." " What should I do?" " You should drink beer." "It'll help you think." "What did you say?" " Nothing." " Tell me." " I didn't say anything." " Hey!" "Is Greg throwing me a surprise party?" "No, not that I know of." " Sam." " Yeah?" "You know me." "You know I don't want this party." "I know that." "And as my friend, you are obligated to be honest... and answer this question." "So I'm gonna ask you one more time." "Is Greg throwing me a surprise party?" "Oh, my God!" "Sock is on fire!" "Weak!" "Man, I can't believe it." "I told Greg I wanted it to be simple." "He's your boyfriend." "He wants it to be special." "Oh, okay." "Yes, we've been on a few dates... but he hardly qualifies as my boyfriend yet." "Well, nobody told Greg." "Well, he doesn't even know me." "He doesn't even try to know me." "You want somebody who pays attention to things?" "Yes, and understands me." "Tries." "Who knows what you like and what you don't like." "Exactly." "Like Sam." "No." "You know what?" "No." "No, because me and Sam are friends, Jo... and I've done that before." "I have dated somebody who I was friends with... and then we broke up... and we never spoke again." "It sucks." "If Sam and I weren't friends..." "I really don't know what I would do." "You don't know that that would happen." "Right, I don't know that." "But I know that you and Sock used to be friends." "Are you now?" "No, we're not." "Well, there you go." "Okay." "She's at work." "DMV closes at five." "So we have until then to commit yet another felony." " Kind of gets you pumped, right?" " Yes, it does." "Let's do a little business." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Did not expect this." "Geez!" "You think all demons decorate like this?" "Check this out." "Why would a demon be into angel figurines?" "It's like a cat banging a dog." "Ooh, Ben!" "That's not funny." "Flowers." "No." "There's gotta be something else." "No!" "Gladys is a freaky hell demon, all right?" "There's gotta be something else... like body parts buried below or some..." " I'm telling you..." " Get out of here!" "Come on!" "Get!" "Get out of here!" "Oh, God!" "Benji, get the keys!" "Get the keys!" "Get the keys!" "Okay, I can't." "Open the car." "Open the car, Ben!" "I can't think under pressure!" "Get out of my way!" "Okay, it's open." "Now, now, now!" "Oh, my God!" "Get away from us, you monster!" "I am not a monster!" "This is my mom's car!" "Come on!" "Get out!" "Cowards!" "It was th..." "It was them." "They were in my house." "Where the hell have you been?" "Ah!" "Gee!" "Oh, you missed me." "I'm touched." "Yeah." "I almost got arrested." "I know." "The cop took the vessel and the watch." "What is that about?" "Well, I imagine he recognized it." " What do you mean?" " It used to belong... to Curtis Dean Mays' defense attorney." "The defense attorney who Mays just killed?" "Uh-huh." "You gave me a dead guy's watch?" "No." "Specifically, I gave you a dead murder victim's watch... and I imagine the good detective... is checking it out right now as we speak." "He's gonna think I killed that guy!" "Probably." "And when he checks the courthouse surveillance video... he's gonna see you were there... when Judge Collins was murdered." "I guess you see where this is going." "Oh, my God!" "I'm gonna go to prison!" "Yeah, that's messed up." "What?" "I can't believe this." "I can't..." "You're frustrated." "You need an outlet." "Hit me." "What?" "Come on." "Go all Barry Bonds on my ass." " It'll make you feel better." " Shut up!" "An opportunity of a lifetime, pal." "It's going." "Five, four, three." "Is that all you got?" "Come on!" "Feel better?" "I hate you so much." "Well, you know, I gotta say... it was very classy of you not to go for the crotch." "Ted, what happened?" "Well, my little felon, the police stopped by... and they were asking questions about you." "They wanted to search your locker... and, of course, I gave them full access." "Um, Ted, you have the combination." "Why didn't you just open it for them?" "Do not question my methods, Sam." "Detective Stafford would like you to come in for questioning." "And take off the apron." "I will not have you doing a perp walk... while wearing the blue." "Fix that when it's done." " What's this?" " A book." "Sock, reading gives you migraines." "I know, I know, but I could not get... those angels figurines out of my head." "I had to figure out why Gladys was so into them." "Check this out." "Did you know that Satan... used to be an angel named Lucifer?" "Yeah." "One day, he rounded up all these bad-ass rebel angels, right... and declared a war on God." "Yeah, I remember this in Sunday school." "Every demon used to be an angel." "Okay." "You're Gladys, all right?" "You're an angel." "You're just chillin' up in heaven." "One day, you decide to back the wrong dude... and, boom, you spend the rest of eternity in hell." "But, Sock, she's pure evil." "How do we know that?" "How do we know that?" "I think that you would be pretty pissed off... if you had a bunch of crappy little kids... teasing you all day, okay?" "Listen..." "All right." "I'm gonna tell you something, okay?" "In the second grade..." "I was this height." "Seven years old, six feet tall." "All the kids decided to call me "Growth Spurt" Bert... or Bert the Spurt..." "Beanstalk Bert, Bert the Beansock..." "Sock the Beanstalk." "Are you following my drift here?" "Then my mom..." "My mom decided that was funny." "And then eventually, my whole family at the dinner table... started calling me..." "Names hurt, Ben." "A lot." "Listen to me." "I think you grew into your body really nicely." "Thank you." "Guys, I need your help." "Right, we gotta go to my house... so I can pick up one of my sport coats." "You don't own a sport coat." "We gotta go to your dad's house... so I can pick up one of his sport coats." "Don't you worry, all right?" "I've talked myself out of many, many drunk and disorderlies." " Not a problem." " Sam!" "Hang on." "Greg?" "Hey." "Get in." "What's up?" "You told Andi about the surprise party?" "She kind of guessed, Greg." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "New plan." "We do nothing for her birthday." "Totally blow it off." "But then I'll do the surprise party the day after." "That's completely stupid." "So she's alone on her birthday?" "Let's just do what she wants to do... go to a movie, get a beer." "She'll like that." "Did you just call me stupid?" "No, no, no!" "I called your idea stupid." "I'm trying to help you, okay?" "Did I ask for your help?" "Yes!" "I know what you're doing." "You're trying to make me look bad in front of Andi." "No, Greg, you're doing that all on your own." "Get out of my car!" "What the hell, man?" "Don't push me." "Don't..." "What, are they making out?" "Oh, boy." "No, no." "Hey!" "Break it up, ladies." "Break it up." "Come on." "All right." "Break it up, ladies." "Come on, come on." "Aw, I'm bleeding!" " You all right?" " Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "No, I'm great." "I just punched Andi's boyfriend in the face." "I'm perfect." "Let's go get arrested." "Who's this?" "This is my..." "All questions for my client... should be directed at myself, detective." "Have a seat." "I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get out of here... before I beat your face with the phonebook." "I'm gonna make this real simple, Mr. Oliver." "You were found in possession of a watch... that belonged to a murder victim." "You trespassed on the property... of the prosecutor in the Mays case... and you were in the courthouse... when Judge Collins was murdered." "Are you bleeding?" "No, that's not my blood." "I didn't do it." "I didn't do it!" "I swear, I didn't do it, okay?" "Come on!" "All right?" "Come on, you know." "All right, you can come out now!" "Okay?" "Joke's over!" "This is really funny!" "Hey, hey, take it easy." "Take it easy!" "Let me out, all right?" "Just come on!" "Hey!" "Who are you talking to?" "You want to know who I'm talking to, detective?" "I'm talking to the devil, all right?" "Yeah, yeah." "You might think I'm crazy, which you know, maybe I am!" "Is that what you're trying to do?" "Make him think that I'm nuts, huh?" "Well, I'm not nuts, okay?" "I'm not..." " How did you get my address?" " What?" "This!" "This!" "613 Cardinal Drive is my address!" "How did you get it?" " There's a three now?" " Answer me." "I don't know!" "These things just pop up, okay?" "It's supposed to give me a clue to who the killer is." "All right?" "Maybe that's where he's going to next." "That gun is not gonna work." "Is that so?" "Yeah." "I need my Taser back." "It's the only thing that'll stop him." "Stop who?" "Mays." "Mays is dead." "I arrested the son of a bitch myself... and witnessed his execution." "Yeah, well, he's back... and he's killing people who put him away." "That includes you." "And bullets aren't gonna do anything to him." "Bullets work on you?" "Yeah." "They completely..." "They totally work on me." "Good." "We'll see if you're right." "Wait." "What are you going to do?" "Wait." "Mays shows up, you're in the clear." "You want a scotch?" "Hi." "Hello." "It's me, Sock." "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry... that I called you a monster." "Yeah, I'm sorry." "I didn't consider your feelings... before I opened my big, stupid mouth." "You know, I really, really hate... the way the neighborhood kids tease you all the time." "Well, it's my fault, too." "Sometimes I rub people the wrong way." "Oh, thank you." "I bet you, um, dread when my boys and I... come strutting into your DMV, huh?" "Well, I have to say, um... actually, it's kind of the high point of my day." "Get out!" "It is!" "I knew it." "You know what?" "I did." "In some weird way, I knew that." "I like it when you mess around." "Kind of feels like you're flirting with me." "Oh, that's just my natural Sock aura." "Know what I mean?" "Chicks respond to it." "Would you like some more coffee?" "Mmm, no, actually, I'm good." "Thank you." "You have a pretty mouth." "This thing?" "I'd like to kiss it." "I'd like that, too." "Oh, boy, here we go." "Watch your horns." "Okay." "Oh, God!" "Wow." "You're famous." "That was back in my heyday..." "a long time ago." "They forget about you pretty fast." "What happened?" "The collars stopped coming." "But I'm hoping to change that tonight." "Unless, of course, it's the ghost of Mays." "Then I guess I'm just out of luck." "I know you don't believe me, but I'm not crazy." "The things I've seen over the years..." "I guess anything's possible." "Listen, if you try to shoot this guy... you're gonna get killed, and then I'm gonna get killed." "I need that Taser." "It's the only way." "It's in my car." "Come on." "Really." "When Mays comes, you're gonna want that Taser." "Uh-huh." "Whatever you say." "I'll get it out... but I'm holding onto it, you understand?" "That's right." "I put your Taser in the glove box." "Mays?" "Hey, detective." "Miss me?" "Look out!" "Mays." "Yeah, Stafford." "We're gonna have some fun." "No!" "All right, listen." "I'm gonna call an ambulance for you, but then I got to go... because I think it's better if I just stay out of this, all right?" "Hang up the phone." "All right." "All right, there." "What?" "Whoa." "You seem like a nice kid, but..." "I need this collar." "One more and I can retire a hero." "You got him." "You caught the guy!" "No!" "I need this collar... and I can't tell them... that the killer is an escaped soul from hell." "So it's gotta be you." "I know the devil sent you." "What did you say?" "I'm so sorry." "What the hell?" "No!" "No!" "Boy, talk about good timing, right?" "Oh, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Da-Dan." "Such a disappointment." "And the rug is a real Persian." "What the hell just happened?" "Well, tomorrow, the papers will say..." "Detective Stafford ate his gun due to his overwhelming guilt... over being the Curtis Dean Mays copycat killer." "So ironic." "And then, of course... they'll find this little bit of evidence... and of course, his written confession upstairs." "Wrote that myself." "What do you think?" "Quoting Hamlet too clichéd?" "Nah!" "He'd totally do that." "Why?" "Why?" "My toy, Sam." "I'm allowed to break it." "He was mine." "He came to me twenty years ago and sold his soul." "He wanted to be supercop." "So I promised him... five high profile, very important cases... in exchange for his soul, and this was the fifth case." "What was?" "Stafford." "He just caught himself." "It's kind of sneaky, I admit." "Yeah." "But I fulfilled my end of the contract... and now, he has fulfilled his." "Ooh!" "You know what I could go for?" "Bloomin' onion." "You in?" "You know, I can see you." "What are you doing?" "Listen, Andi, I need to apologize... for the whole bloody nose Greg thing." "I was a total jerk." "I had..." "We broke up." " What?" " Yup." "Why?" "'Cause we realized we weren't right for each other." "And you punched Greg in the nose?" "It was..." "We kind of got into a fight in his car." "More like a slap fight." "Okay." "I'm really, really sorry." "It's fine." "I'm okay, actually." "God, what a weird birthday, though." "Yeah, I probably should've waited... for Greg to give me my present first, huh?" "Happy birthday." "Sam." "It's okay if you don't like it." "I really wanted to get it for you, and I..." "Hopefully, you'll like it." "Wow." "It's really beautiful." "You like it." "Great, perfect." "I can't accept this." "What?" "Why?" "I just..." "I can't because we're friends... and that's not something that a friend wears." "Well, then don't wear it as a friend." "You're, like, the most important person in my life." "God, I'm sorry." "You guys called it." "You were totally right." "I should never have given her that necklace." "I hate seeing you like this." "I hate being right all the time, but I am." "Thanks, Sock." "Place the vessel on the mat." "Hi, Sock." "Hmm?" "Hi, yup." "Had any good dreams lately?" "You did that?" "On purpose?" "Was it good for you?" "What's going on?" "Take me home, Sam." "I'll take care of it." "Hey." "Hold on." "What if it's a replacement watch?" "It doesn't matter." "There's no way I'm opening this." "Accepting gifts from the devil is suicide." "Yeah, but what if it's something really cool?" "I don't care if it's a box full of world peace... it's still gonna come back and bite me in the ass." "I'm bored." "Let's open it." " Sock!" "Wait, no." " Sam, just..." "Give it!" "A "get out of hell free" card?" "Whoa." "You think it's real?" "Of course not." "It's from the devil." "It's gotta be a trick." " Right." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'm breaking."