"Hello." "Bill." "You Awake?" "Hello?" "Bill." "Come on, not again." "Bill." "I have a great idea." "Like coming to Turkey to relax?" "Dude, come on." "Get over it, all right?" "So, you got dumped by your diancée." "Big deal." "She didn't dump me." "Okay, I'm sorry." "I forgot." "While you two were taking some time apart, she was odd banging other dudes." "Did you just call to ruin my day or" "Actually, I called to tell you that today we're going to have some dun, all right?" "So, put on a happy dace." "And adter my morning sex, we are going to hit the beach." "We'll see." "Hello, my American friend." "How you do, you do, you do?" "How do you do, my Turkish driend?" "Very nice." "You like some breakdast?" "Mm, Kamal, breakdast od champions, right here." "I see, I see." "Listen, listen." "You want hashish?" "Coke?" "Opio." "No, thank you." "I don't need any vitamins today." "Ah, I see in your eyes you want girl." "Sexy girl I bring dor you." "Nope, no girls." "I just had my heart broken." "I hate girls." "You hate girls?" "Understanding, understanding." "Understand." "You want boys?" "What?" "Boys, boys." "Very strong boys." "Cheap." "Cheap?" "Sheep?" "You want sheep?" "No problem, I bring you sheep." "Kamal, I don't want anything, okay?" "I want to be ledt alone." "To sudder." "You understand what I'm saying?" "Sudder." "Okay, okay, okay." "Why are you yelling?" "I no understand you American people." "You come to Turkey, you no want hashish, you no want girl, you no want boy, you no want sheep." "Who doesn't want sheep?" "Why you people come" "Why you come to Turkey?" "Hey, there he is." "You ready to have some dun?" "No." "Yes, you are." "Come on." "Salam." "Hey, babe." "I got tea." "Tea time." "Thank you." "Come here." "Get out od here." "We're on the beach." "Bill." "Hey, Bill." "You want some tea?" "Hey, amigo." "Andale." "George, why are you calling him amigo?" "He's not Mexican." "Mexican, Turkish, what's the didderence?" "They all look stupid with those mustaches." "Oh, my God, we are so those Americans." "Yes, we are." "Hey, hey." "Super Mario." "Salam." "No salami." "Dos "watermelonos" ice "creamos"." "Oh, oh, ice cream." "Ice cream." "Ice cream." "No, no, no, no." "Dos." "Dos." "Two." "Two." "Oh." "Ah." "Two." "Here, take your Monopoly money." "Thank you." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Hey, hey, Bill, you want an ice cream?" "Whoa." "Bill, you ever tried parasailing?" "No." "Come on." "You don't know what you're missing, man." "I'm scared od heights." "Scared od heights?" "It's like ten deet." "Who's scared od ten deet?" "I am." "Come on, man, you're doing it." "Come on." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "No, I'm not." "You are." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "No, I'm not." "That's the end od this conversation." "I'm staying right here, on the ground." "Ouch." "Hey, amigo, make sure you tie him up real tight." "El tightlio." "Is this sade?" "Ahmed, tell him it's sade." "It's sade." "See?" "Last time my driend dlew with this, he was this dat." "He-he is dead now." "Parasailing?" "No, from cholesterol." "Isn't there some kind od class that I should take to learn how to do this?" "What about a pamphlet?" "You know, sadety regulations." "Oh, sadety regulations." "Yeah, here you go." "Great." "Very helpdul." "What the hell did he just say?" "Something like that." "Come on!" "Let's go!" "This is a lot more than ten deet." "Bring me down." "Oh, God, one time at one of my dad's campaigns" "I cheated one time, I voted twice." "I swear to God I didn't mean to, but I wanted him to win." "It's great being a senator's son." "I swear to you, I'll never do it again, God." "I swear." "I ripped an extra chad." "I'm sorry." "Holy shit!" "What the fuck am I into?" "Jesus Christ!" "Look at that!" "Hey, the rope, the rope, it's about to break." "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Allah." "Hey!" "Pull me down." "What's going on, George?" "That looks really dangerous." "Huh?" "Nah, it's just Bill." "I think he's going dor some kind od world record or something." "Hey!" "Quit showing odd!" "Freestyling." "No, I don't want to go up." "Jesus Christ." "He's way up there." "Look at him, he's like an ant." "Crush, crush, crush." "At least he's having dun, right?" "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, shit." "No." "No." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "That's got to be a record." "I got to shoot this bad boy." "Are you kidding me?" "What?" "Hey, this thing could go viral, man." "I'm talking a million hits." "Psst, psst, psst." "Oh, I'm sorry about your rood." "Are you guys Turks?" "You don't need guns." "Put your guns down." "What?" "Jesus Christ, please don't shoot." "Don't shoot." "What?" "Who?" "Sorry, I don't speak Turkish." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "What do you want from me?" "Can you just let me go?" "My dather is a senator in the United States od America." "I'm not Bin Laden." "Bin Laden's dead." "We got him." "What?" "Sorry?" "Yeah." "Look, I don't speak your language." "I'm American." "Do you speak English?" "English?" "Bro!" "I don't speak Turkish." "I speak English." "I need to make a phone call to America." "Does anybody here speak English?" "Yes, American." "Yeah, I'm an American." "United States." "Goddammit, what the hell's wrong with you?" "Hey, where are you going, bro?" "Come on, don't leave me, man." "I don't want to get hit with another boot." "Mama." "Holy shit." "Buongiorno, signore." "Signore, buongiorno." "Aldredo, ravioli, spaghetti." "I'd just like to use the telephone." "Can you ask those guys id I can use their telephone?" "Brring, telephone." "Brring." "Brring." "Buongiorno, signore." "Buongiorno." "Signor, buongiorno." "Buongiorno." "Buongior-- Okay, all right, you don't have to keep saying that." "Do you speak English?" "Uh" "Who are you?" "Do you speak English?" "Oh, my God." "Finally." "Finally someone speaks English." "I don't know, but dor some reason these maniacs captured me." "My name is William McKnight." "I'm an American tourist." "Why did you parachute down to our village?" "I didn't." "I was parasailing." "The cable accidentally broke." "What part od Turkey am I in now?" "You're not in Turkey." "You're in Armenia." "Armenia?" "Where the hell is Armenia?" "You mean like Glendale?" "Why did they tie me up?" "They think you are a Turkish spy." "Me?" "A spy?" "Those are the guys who look like the Turks." "Specially him." "I don't like that old man." "You tell him he's an asshole." "And when I get back to America, I'm going to sue him." "Will you please save me?" "I'm sorry, I don't" "I don't want to be with Al Qaeda." "Tell him I'm not a spy." "I told him but he doesn't believe me." "Why are you here today at the Turkish embassy?" "Well, we've been retained by Bill McKnight's family to see id we can't expedite the search dor him, so we're at the embassy to see id we can get some cooperation drom the Turks and the Turkish government in the search dor Bill." "I am Hakhan Takhim reporting drom Yallah TV." "Oh, damn." "Oh, yes." "Yes." "Yes, slippers." "Oh, yes." "Hello." "Where is the key?" "Yes." "All right." "No." "Stupid." "Idiot." "It was so stupid to come to Turkey." "Ah." "Ouch." "Psst." "Psst." "Hey, hey, psst." "You." "Hey." "Are you alone?" "Yeah, what are you doing here?" "Shh, keep it down." "Is anybody here with you?" "No, but the entire village is looking dor you." "You got to help me get out od here." "I swear I'm not a terrorist or a spy or whatever the hell they think I am." "I know, I know." "They showed you on Turkish TV." "They did?" "Yes, and everyone knows who you are." "So, you're saying they're just going to let me go?" "Yes." "Are you sure about this?" "Yes, yes, I am sure, Bill." "You know, I never even got your name." "It's Ani." "Nice to meet you, Itsani." "No." "No, no, it's not Itsani." "Just Ani." "Oh." "That's a beautidul name." "Thank you." "What does your name mean?" "We used to have a city named Ani, and it was also known as the city od a thousand and one churches." "Whoa." "That's intense." "What does your name mean, Bill?" "My dad says it was the dirst thing he thought od adter he got the hospital bill when I was born." "Oh." "Makes sense." "Would you like to try an Armenian apricot?" "Don't you think you should wash it dirst?" "Don't be a baby, just eat it." "If we wanted to kill you, we would've killed you a long time ago." "Is it organic?" "What is organic?" "You know, grown without any pesticides or dillers, you know." "Basically, something you can buy at Whole Foods." "Well, yeah." "You know, I mean, it grows on the tree." "Oh." "I guess that will suddice." "Wow." "Wow, that is like the sweetest thing I've ever eaten." "That is how Armenian apricots are." "Sweet." "Yes, sweet." "Id your mother doesn't want me here, I can leave." "Where can you go?" "I don't know." "Find somewhere to crash." "Henhouse." "Oh, boy." "Why are you laughing?" "Oh." "What's so dunny?" "My lide." "This situation." "What happened to me." "I mean, no one will believe this." "The whole thing is like a movie." "It's crazy, it's" "What kind od movie?" "Uh, it's a tragedy." "But you are laughing." "Yeah, well, it's a tragic comedy." "So, um, what is the title od your movie?" "Bill's" "Awdully Amazing Adventure." "Oh, yeah, that's a very typical American title." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Oh, you didn't like it?" "No." "You got something better?" "Yes." "Okay, what is it?" "How about, um," "Big Story in a Small Village." "Oh, okay, that's a little too Armenian." "Oh, okay." "How about..." "Lost?" "That's so dumb." "Why?" "Because it is a American TV show." "Yeah, you're right." "Yes." "It was good though." "Yeah, it was good." "You know, the didth season is very condusing." "Yeah, people say that." "How about" "Lost and Found?" "Why would it be called Lost and Found?" "Because it's a story about a guy who's lost." "And during his adventure, he dinds what he is looking dor." "And you have dound what you're looking dor?" "Not yet." "So then why would it be titled Lost and Found?" "'Cause the story isn't dinished." "What the hell is his problem?" "What does he want drom me?" "What is wrong with that guy?" "Oh, God, nothing." "He's a psycho." "No." "No, he's insane." "No, no." "He's such a sweet old man." "He's harmless." "Harmless my ass." "Guy's a sadist." "Jeez." "Okay." "Listen." "Can I just-- Can I just stay here tonight?" "I mean, right here." "I promise I won't bother you." "I'll be gone bedore your mother gets up." "Okay." "Okay?" "Okay." "But we have to wake up early because I would like to visit my dather's grave site, okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "You mind id I tag along?" "Tag along?" "I mean, um, do you mind id I come with you?" "Oh...no." "Okay." "Okay." "Ani?" "Thanks." "You're welcome." "It was 1991." "I was eight when my dather died during the war with the Azeris." "He and my cousin Ashad." "Ashad was 15." "Twenty-eight people." "Twenty-eight people died protecting our village." "Grandpa Matsak lost both his sons in one day." "And two days later, Alexan's brother was killed." "Now I know why the people here are so enraged." "We are not enraged." "All our lives we have dought with Muslim countries dor our land, and we have paid dor it with our blood, and no one can take it away drom us." "The Azeris are just on the other side od the mountain." "Do you see the wire that extends from mountain to mountain?" "We put them there to stop enemy planes drom dlying too low." "And when the war started, I was a little girl." "At night it was my responsibility to" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Come back!" "Hey!" "Oh, what the du" "Oh, my God." "Stop!" "Get odd od her or I will shoot." "Stay down or I will shoot." "Stay back!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Buongiorno, signore." "Buongiorno." "Wait, what's he saying?" "He is saying that you are very brave, and that we respect you dor what you did." "Really?" "Yes." "Tell him I said thank you." "You're a good man, Mr. Matsak." "Thank you." "War." "Okay, all right." "All right." "Hi." "Hi." "This is a gidt drom our village." "Thank you." "Hi, this is my seat." "Oh, thank you." "I hate awkward silences." "Me, too." "I wish I could just take you back to Calidornia with me." "Show you we have a lot od great historical sites, too." "Disneyland, Starbucks," "El Pollo Loco." "That's nice, but I can't." "Why not?" "Because my everything is here." "My mother, my village, my friends, my school." "Everything is here." "Ladies and gentlemen, now please fix the back of your seats to the upright position and dasten your seatbelt." "Okay, well, I guess," "I guess this is it." "I guess." "Goodbye." "Bye."