" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" " In the news this week..." " watching her performance on TV." " one of the stars of Play School," " Please welcome Cathy Newman." " APPLAUSE" " Thank you." " APPLAUSE" " Paul and Danny, have a look at this." " LAUGHTER" " Here's how it went down in the hall." " The best acts have been stolen." " I can't quite get out of my head." " and Prime Minister at the same time" " Do you know what he said about UKIP?" " He said, "UKIP if you want to..."" " The conference then degenerated into" " He said, "I have a bread-maker."" " 65p." "Everything is 65p." " Always has been and always will be." " Panic, panic." " That's public school, isn't it?" " the price of a pint of milk." " About 80p or something like that." " No, it's about 40-something p." " OK, one of those biggish ones." " This is a classic case" " Well, don't you think you should" " How much is a loaf of bread?" " how much does a razor cost?" " What made you shave it off?" " Blackmail." " Do you know how long for?" " All day. 9 to 5." " Yes." "Really?" "For 35 hours a week." " Also, there's a slight..." " Now, it's all been stigmatised," " and go home again." " You'd get painters and decorators," " and how great social workers were." " "Social workers?" " These were her shoes." " Don't you get fed up with people...?" " they were quite reasonable." " The beautiful model?" " So it's OK." "Stupid of me." " So they weren't the cheap ones." " But the suit's really expensive." " How much?" " Hundreds?" "How in touch are you?" " What, inside her?" " LAUGHTER" " I can tell you what she was wearing." " I will, yeah." " But I will." " If you believed the bodycon there," " do you know how she did that?" " George Osborne." " I mean, introduced him." " Not even prostitutes have to kiss!" " APPLAUSE" " Do you know who that was?" " Ah, Nigel Farage." " Because she was invoked, wasn't she?" " Was she?" "They did a seance?" " Anyway, he turned up, didn't he?" " No." " have a look at a picture of Farage" " Oh, yeah." " it shows he's multicultural." " Urgh!" " Oh, God." " # Gangnam style, op, op" " # Waaay, sexy newsroom... #" " Could we ask the question why?" " It could've been much worse." " This could put the people" " God, even THEY hate him!" " Ian and Cathy, take a look at this." " And that's Karl Marx's grave." " Really(?" ")" " very over-excited about." " So it was him and Balls and McBride" " who doesn't come out well." " Damian McBride," " or McPrick-Face " " He also caused a fight, didn't he?" " I mean, I think if..." " DOG GROWLS" " DOG GROWLS" " INTERVIEW BLURRED BY BARKS AND GROWLS" " APPLAUSE" " Dogs are extremely fickle." " They had a go at Miliband's father." " So it was the most pathetic piece." " and he's Mugabe" " Now, the first person to suggest" " it doesn't work like that." " "Hurrah for the Blackshirts"." " No, they didn't." " as opposed to the 75 years" " I mean, I thought" " Open the borders." " He said:" " LAUGHTER AND GROANING" " Yes, so, ancestor bashing..." " today sold two copies." " Alastair Campbell." "Yes." " I don't want to be unpopular here," " poisoning, briefing against people," " Alastair - not your man." " The thing about Alastair Campbell is," " was by holding a pin in his hand" " he would prick himself with this pin," " which was an error of judgment." " Daily Mali?" " whatsoever to do with the Daily Mail!" " Brilliant!" " Describing what they did as:" " of The Mail On Sunday." " quite keen to get Paul Dacre's job." " You can see sort of..." " It's like a Gove farm." " more mature further to the left." " No Direction!" " LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " make the news this week?" " I don't know, what did he do?" " for making too much noise." " He was watching Cardiff beat Fulham," " when he started celebrating a goal" " to the surrounding Fulham fans." " '61. '61?" "1961 was the last time..." " Ian, stay with us," " Did you predict this on your show?" " You might find yourself voting BNP," " of what passes for a Lib Dem joke." " CATHY LAUGHS" " That's unfair!" " Maybe tonight." "Maybe tonight?" "Good." " How about you?" "Um..." " LAUGHTER" " That's actionable!" " CATHY:" "It is really, isn't it?" " "Check your facts." "Probably..." " "Might be true, might be not."" " After it was revealed" " to his late uncle's memorial event," " while he was on the loo." " to defend the Daily Mail," " APPLAUSE" " if it's news or not news." " So, let's spin the wheel." " DRUM ROLL" " BUZZER" " Clairvoyant police?" " It IS clairvoyant police." " And it's..." " Pre-crime?" "Pre-crime." " Sounds absolutely ridiculous." " Someone has just..." " It's all gone." " No, it doesn't, it's just nonsense." " Is it the glasses or the suit?" " I'll give you a clue." "Onions." " It's not a crime." "No." "Should be." " You don't know, do you?" "No." " by fooling the self-service scanner" " Did I say onion earlier" " Oh, did you?" " I thought I was better than I was." " They got onto him because..." " That's the end of Crime Today." " Will it work?" "It already has " " The technique of identifying" " known as institutional racism." " APPLAUSE" " Give it another spin." " DRUM ROLL" " BUZZER" " pre-crime report." " LAUGHTER" " How much is a litre of petrol?" " 65p." "Right, you're on." " Everything's 65p." " You're right, this is not news." " We didn't cover that one," " which is that Helen Fielding," " But that was 25 years ago." " That's quite heartless, actually." " Mum died as well." "I'm an orphan!" " You know what?" "Three years ago," " You know what?" "Hey!" " CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" " But no, you're quite right." " like this..." " "That's Channel 4 News."" " Next spin." " DRUM ROLL" " BUZZER" " Pilots are asleep." "Next." " Captain Collymore would say that." " The ones that have pilots." " That rules out Ryanair..." " No, it doesn't, because he'll sue." " He's very touchy, Ryanair." " I went on a Ryanair plane" " Isn't that shocking?" "That's news!" " Oh!" " According to The Times, both pilots" " In the Virgin pilots' defence," " You can see why he's a virgin." " If I was one of the cabin crew," " Oh, imagine the larks!" " And the last spin." " DRUM ROLL" " BUZZER" " America's gone bankrupt" " Um, America, home of democracy," " is made to public health care." " There are 800,000 federal workers" " According to the Guardian:" " An idea they got from BT." " APPLAUSE" " And the international consequences?" " so yeah, bit of a disappointment." " How much is a text?" " From America?" "A pint of text." " 65p." "I think it's at least 65p." " Your four are..." " SpongeBob SquarePants, Sally Bercow," " Walter Tell and Carmen Miranda." " CATHY:" "Sally Bercow - fruitcake?" " Yes, that's correct." " and had it shot off by his father." " SpongeBob SquarePants..." " He's quite a guy." " Bob is the odd one out." " And he's the odd one out" " Where does SpongeBob live?" " Under the sea." "In a pineapple." " Yes, but also, under...?" " A pineapple." "Yes!" " APPLAUSE" " Did you say under a pineapple first?" " You know what?" "Let them have it." " Er, rough, manly." " Touch of Lord Hailsham." " describes it as..." " At last!" "The show's coming to life!" " She told one magazine:" " apart from SpongeBob SquarePants," " According to the Daily Mail," " said the pineapple." " GROANING" " I thought that was pretty good." " And we start with..." " One of the rounds on Bake Off." " pioneered by a company called:" " Whose slogan proudly states," " Next:" " CATHY:" "Dancing Gangnam Style." " Paul Hollywood." " The answer is simply!" " According to the Express..." " that make you want to drink more." " Next:" " Enchanted with electric boat." " It is an electric boat." "Oh, is it?" " MC Arse Admiral." "I quite like that." " Because of what I can navigate." " No, the answer is:" " time with his 16-year-old friends." " Spend more time in jail!" " You're absolutely right." "It is:" " Not just from prosecution," " And finally:" " DANNY:" "Eating yellow snow?" " No." " GROANING" " There's not many of them there." " It is dark a lot of the time, too." " So...don't have sex with him!" " APPLAUSE" " So, the final scores are:" " Paul and Danny have six points" " but Ian and Cathy have seven." " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " APPLAUSE" " At the studios of Sky TV," " And..." " same-sex marriage, the Synod meets" " Good night." " APPLAUSE" " Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"