"( bell rings )" "* When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning * * l don't think I'll ever make it on time *" "* By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look * * l'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by * * lt's all right *" "* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell * * lf the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess *" "* And my dog ate all my homework last night *" "* Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there * * lf l can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right * * lt's all right *" "* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... *" "* lt's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- * * lt's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- * * lt's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell. *" "We just got report cards." "Jessie got all "A's"... her parents bought her flowers." "Kelly got "B's"... her parents bought her an ice cream." "I haven't figured out what to buy my parents yet." "But Lisa made honor roll, and you should see what her father gave her." "Where's Lisa?" "I can't wait to see her new outfit." "Me too." "She's my reason for being." "I cannot believe her father gave her his credit card to go to the mall." "I know. lt's like letting a vampire loose in a blood bank." "Watch it, "Dimples." That's my fox you're talking about." "Screech, she's not your fox." "Why don't you just find another chick?" "Whoa!" "May I remind you both that we are girls?" "We are not "foxes," not "chicks,"" "nor any other cute little animal you boys like." " Do you understand?" " Sure, "Kitten."" "Food's here." "Compliments of my new magic serving cart." "Zack:" "So where's the magic, Max?" "Oh, it's... voilà!" "How do you like it?" "I love it, but didn't your father say to just buy something nice?" "I couldn't help myself." "I caught such great sales." "All my clothes were half-off." ""Half-off"?" "I can't take this tension." "Lisa, I think you better total up everything you bought right now." "Really?" "I have a calculator on my watch." "You can use it if you hold my wrist." "Screech, heel." " Where are the receipts?" " Here." "$62 for the top," "$1 26 for the jacket and shorts, and $198 for the boots, purse and "Maneater" perfume?" " Come on, what's the total?" " $386." "$386?" "You think I went overboard?" " Like the crew of the Titanic." " This is serious." "Lisa, when your father finds out, you are going to get in trouble." "Oh come on." "I'm "Daddy's little girl."" "If you want to live to be "Daddy's big girl, " take the stuff back." "Lisa, I think you should keep one thing and return the rest." "Maybe you're right. I have to go back to the mall anyway." "They're having a big shoe sale." "I got here as soon as I could." "What's going on?" "Lisa's running away-- the store wouldn't let her return her clothes." "Oh." "Lisa, running away isn't the answer." "Do what I do when I do something wrong." " What's that?" " Enjoy it, then deny it." "Lisa, when you do something wrong, you should admit it." "What do you do, Kelly?" "Well, gee. I can't remember doing anything wrong." "Oh, shut up!" "I'm sorry." "I'm just upset." "Lisa, no matter what I've done, I've always been direct and honest with my parents." "I'm with Jessie." "The truth is easiest, and it works." "But I can't tell my father." "Then why don't you tell your mother and pay her to keep quiet?" " Pay her with what?" " Put it on the card." "Why stop now?" "Lisa, why can't you tell your father?" "Because I don't know how he'll react." "( knocking )" "Come in." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hi, Daddy." "What did you want to talk to me about?" "Daddy, I don't know what to do." "I've made a big mistake." "I'm sure it's not that bad, Princess." "Tell your father." "He knows best." "Okay." "Daddy, I've run up a $400 bill on your credit card." "( thunder crashing )" "( booming voice ) You what?" "I'm sorry." "Who's the worst daughter of all?" "Lisa" " Lisa" " Lisa!" "You... are a father's worst nightmare." "What's happened to me?" "I'm not Daddy's little girl anymore." "He's going to kill me." "I know it." "Don't panic." "All you have to do is pay your father back." "Yeah, but where am I going to get the money?" "Ask for a $400 advance on your allowance." "Why don't you try to earn the money?" "Earn money?" "Moi?" "This sounds like a job for "Zackman."" "Do you really think we're going to make a lot of money today?" "We're going to be raking it in all day." " Starting now." " How?" "Lisa, sit down, look pretty and trust me." "Hey guys come on, crowd around, crowd around." "( school bell rings )" "Okay, settle down." " Good morning, class." " Students:" "Good morning." "Resume where we left off yesterday." "You all know the chapter." "You mean "Reproduction in the Animal Kingdom"?" "Well, I prefer to call it, "Monkey Business in the Jungle."" "I read the chapter last night, but I'm still not clear who does what to whom and how." "Yeah, and how come birds aren't attracted to horses?" "Oh, but they are." "Unfortunately there just isn't enough room in the nest." "Today's topic is," ""The Pond:" "Nature's Hot Tub."" "Could you write on the board again, your list" " of "Pond Playmates of the Month"?" " All right, we'll start with the Beatles, then throw in some Rolling Stones." "Teacher:" "Does anyone know the sound the male frog makes to attract the female?" "( shrieks )" "No, that's the little boy porcupine getting too close to his mate." "The male frog goes... ( croaks ) Ribbit-- ribbit-- ribbit." "That's merely his way of saying," ""Your pad or mine?"" "Insect love on the other hand, can be very, very dangerous." "An unwelcome suitor is often driven off by terrifying threats." "Get away, creeps!" "Oh no." "Much worse than that." "Like-- ( screeching )" "Try it, try it." "( all screeching )" "Good, very good." "Excellent." "Wonderful." "Wonderful." "You really have it." "( P.A. signal beeps )" "Good morning, students." "This is your principal, Mr. Belding." "( all groan )" "Thank you." "I want to remind you, our charity drive will continue all week." "So please put all clothing and canned goods in the gym, and not on top of my car, no matter what Zack Morris says." "( laughter ) lt's also time for our annual Earthquake Drill." "Yes, when that siren sounds, get down, 'cause there'll be" "* A whole lot of shakin' goin' on. *" "( Belding laughs )" "( siren wails )" "All right, everybody, climb under your tables, like burrowing badgers." "Screech:" "Lisa!" "( gasps )" "( gasps )" "( screams )" "How could you do this to me?" "Hey Lisa, I thought you wanted to kiss your debt goodbye." "Not with my lips." "I feel so-- so cheap." "Lisa, you're not cheap." "You made $36." "So I just have to press this button to open them?" "That's all." "I wired everything." "Are you sure I have nothing to worry about?" "You might lose your hair when you're older." "I mean now." "How about now, you yo-yo?" "You're too young to lose it now, dipstick!" "Zack, do we really have to do this?" "Lisa, we only have two-and-a-half days left." "If you want to raise money, you'll have to sell your clothes." "All right, you guys know what to do." "Don't worry about it, "Preppie." We'll take care of Belding." "All right everybody, the "Lisa Special Sale" is about to begin." "Okay, what am I bid for this lovely lingerie?" "Worn by Lisa while dreaming of Screech." " My entire life savings!" " Sold!" "It's only two dollars." "Two dollars?" "That cost 20!" "It will lie next to me every night in my bed." "I thought you slept with your dog." "He won't mind." "Okay, how much am I bid for these cowboy boots?" "Almost brand new." "Worn only once by Lisa while she was watching a rodeo on TV." " Six dollars." " Sold!" "How much am I bid for the left one?" " Four dollars." " You got it!" "That's what I call a "matching pair."" "Okay, how much am I bid for this wig?" "Worn by Lisa during her "Tina Turner" phase." "( boy yells ) Four dollars!" "Sold to Rocco." "No questions asked." "Hey, Belding is coming." "Closing them!" " Hi, Mr. Belding." " Hello, Morris." "He's on to us, Zack." "I know it, we're dead!" " Hi, Screech." " Hello, goodbye." "Let's do lunch." "Hmm." "Let the sale resume!" "Belding!" "He's ba-ack!" "Closing them!" "Are you hiding something, Zachary?" " Me?" " Uh-huh." "Mr. Belding, sir." "I need your opinion." "I was wondering, what do you think of this?" "It's all right, I guess." "is it for your girlfriend?" "No, sir." "It's for me." "I'd like to wear it to school tomorrow." "Come into my office, young lady" " Slater." "Now." "You think moving from school to school has caused an identity crisis?" "I'm not sure who I am anymore, sir." "All I know is that I'm a size six." "I would have guessed a 1 2." "I'm confused, sir." "You know, maybe I'm trying too hard to get girls to like me." "Hey, now I can identify with that." "This may come as a surprise to you, but when I was your age, I wasn't-- well, you know-- the hunk l am now." "I can't believe this, sir." "No, I thought you were "stud city."" "Everybody thinks that." "No, I never had a date until I was in the Army." "And even she was with the enemy." "Tell me more." "In high school, I was such a geek." "I had to go to the prom with my own sister." "I was so embarrassed." "Let it out, big guy." "Lean on me." "Attention shoppers, for two minutes only," ""The Lisa Beach Collection,"" "what the well-dressed teenager will be wearing this summer." "Screech, hit it." "( music plays )" "And now for the beautiful and enchanting..." "Kelly, "Goddess of the Sand."" "( whistles, cheering )" "Oh my gosh, she's in a bathing suit!" "The bidding is open." "The bidding is closed." "Sold to me for $1 2." "Thank you, Kelly." "Go get dressed." "Stay away from these animals." "After the war, I was dateless again." "That Viet Cong girl dumped me." "But then I went to college and met the future Mrs. Belding." "See, she was on the swim team, and I was a towel boy." "I tripped, hit my head, fell into the water-- she saved my life." "Wow, that's a beautiful story, sir." "I'll never forget her first words to me," ""Don't swallow your tongue."" "( intercom buzzing )" "Yes?" "Mr. Belding, maintenance wants you in the boys' bathroom." "Someone flushed Mr. Fetterman's toupee." "I'll be right there." "Wait!" "What's going on here?" "Oh, we're just standing around doing macho guy stuff next to a bunch of women's clothes." "Who's are these, anyway?" "Uh..." "Lisa's sir. I helped her bring them to school today." "Yeah, Lisa needs to get rid of them." "This is the most generous act I've ever witnessed at this school." "Imagine one person donating all this to our clothing drive." " But, sir!" " And you of all people helping her." " l'm getting chills, brother." " l'm getting sweats." "You know what?" "Lisa has done enough." "Let's all take this to the gym for her, huh?" "We only made $53 selling Lisa's clothes, so she had to do the most humiliating, insulting, degrading thing possible for her-- get a job!" "How's she doing?" "Let me put it another way-- if Lisa were a car, she'd be recalled." "I'm sorry, Max!" "That's okay, it's only the third tray you've dropped." "Don't worry about it." "See?" "I had the kitchen Velcro your orders." "Thanks." "So, did you get more tips?" "Yeah, I got a tip." "Alan Seltzer told me to get another job." "Waitress, can I have a glass of water?" "Get it yourself!" "Lisa, you're a waitress." "You have to wait on people." "Zack, he just wants to soak his retainer." "Waitress!" "How can I work with all these people bothering me?" "So what's the total?" "Well, so far Lisa's earned $3.10 in tips." "Kelly:" "Who gave you the 10*?" "Everybody gave me 10*." "Waitress!" " What is it?" " Would you bring me a hamburger?" "I already brought you 10." "I want to give you business." "I like you." "Thank you." "Waitress!" "Where's my Ovaltine?" "Miss, this isn't what I ordered." "You were supposed to toast my buns." "You want toasted buns?" "Go sit on a microwave!" "That's it!" "I've had it!" "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" "I'll never make any money at this rate." "Well then, you've got to move faster." "Look, the more people you wait on, the more tips you get, right?" "Come on Lisa. I'll show you." "I used to be a busboy in Bolivia." "Hey, I'm not done." "Yes you are." "Right, I forgot." "Hey, what are you doing?" " Hey, it's fast food." " Here's your check." "Hey, come on you guys." "Come on, move it." "$37 in tips in three hours?" "Whoo!" "I can't believe it!" "Lisa, that's great." "You only need about 230 more." "We're a great team." "You know, we might make it after all." "Yeah, maybe." "I mean if I keep working, and Zack sells more of my clothes." "Uh..." "Lisa?" "Can we talk?" "Over there?" "Yeah, sure." "Lisa, all your clothes are gone." " Gone?" "That's great!" " Not really." "Belding thought you brought them in for the charity drive." "He was so touched by your donation, I couldn't tell him the truth." "( giddy laughter )" "I'm a fool, Zack." "No, I am." "Look, I'm sorry, Lisa." "I'll tell Belding it was my fault and get your stuff back." "No, Zack. I want to make that donation." "It's about time I start thinking of someone besides myself." "And I'm going to tell my father the truth." "Now Lisa, don't panic." "Zack, if my father finds out what I've done before I tell him, he's going to be really hurt." "Then maybe you'd better tell your father." "I see this is hurting you, too." "I want to thank you for all you've done." "I'm really grateful for everything you tried to do." "But I've got to stand on my own two feet now." "And it's not going to be easy with all my shoes gone." "( knocking )" "Come in." "You wanted to talk to me, Princess?" "I'm not a princess, I'm not a nice person, I'm pond scum!" "What are you talking about?" "Remember when you gave me your credit card to buy something nice?" "I bought 10 nice somethings." "Are you saying you charged too much on my credit card?" "$386 too much." "I'd say that's too much." "Yes." "I'm sorry, Daddy." "We all make mistakes, sweetheart." "I'm sure you've learned your lesson." "Now, let's go to The Sizzler." ""The Sizzler"?" "After all I've been through?" "Daddy, I was kissed by nerds!" "And I sold all my clothes!" "And I got a job-- as a waitress!" "My daughter waited on tables?" "Yeah, here's $153." "That's what I've made so far." "It sounds like you've been through a lot." "Daddy, punish me." "Get it over with." "I just want to be treated like any normal, beautiful girl." "I've got a better idea." "You're going to keep that job until you pay me back every cent." " ( knocking )" " Come in." "Excuse me, Dr. Turtle." "We came by to give this to Lisa." " What is it?" " $83." "We all chipped in." "Screech even sold his body to science." "Yeah, they gave him $20 to take it back." "You have some loyal friends." "You are a very lucky girl." "Thanks, you guys, you're great." "But I can't take this." "I've got to earn back the money myself, or he'll ship me to a foreign country." "It'll never happen." "No foreign country could afford her." "The moral of the story, gang?" "Well, it's simple:" ""The Lisa Card"-- don't leave home with it." "( instrumental theme music plays )"