"Every mall has a Hoffritz in it." "I'm sorry." "That's got to be a little bit of a scary place to work." "I don't know how you feel about it." "Do you want to be standing in there having people coming in all day going:" ""I need knives." "I need more knives." "Do you have any bigger knives?" "I'd like a bigger knife." "A big, long, sharp knife." "That's what I'm in the market for." "I like them really sharp." "Do you have one with hooks and gouges and, like, blades that are kind of serrated?" "That's the kind of knife I'm looking for." "I need one I can throw." "I need another one I can just hack away with." "Do you have anything like that?"" "Oh, yeah, like you know what you're talking about." "Oh, no." "You do?" "Well, what do you think, they put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?" "What do you think, they brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?" "What's going on here?" "It's a little early for a Christmas party, isn't it?" "Why did France give that to us anyway?" "It was a gift." "So countries just exchange gifts like that?" "If they like each other." "There's Elaine." "Oh, see that guy she's talking with?" "That's her new boyfriend." "Really?" "He works here in the office?" "Yeah, they're having a little fling, so don't say anything to anyone." "Who am I gonna tell, my mother?" "Like I have nothing better to talk about." "You don't." "He's a recovering alcoholic." "Really?" "Yeah, he's been off the wagon two years." ""Off the wagon"?" "I think it's "off the wagon."" "I think it's "on the wagon."" "Jerry, George, what are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "Ba-boom." "[ELAINE GASPS]" "My God!" "My watch!" "You found my watch." "Hey, keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you." "Where'd you find it?" "Under the sofa cushion." "You stopped by just to give it to me?" "It's your Christmas present." "I thought I'd never find it." "Eh, today's your lucky day." "No, today is your lucky day." "It would be my first one." "You want to work here?" "What?" "Yeah." "One of the readers just left." "There's a job opening." "Oh, Dick, this is Jerry." "And this is George." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "Is this the guy?" ""The guy"?" "Dick." "How can you just get it?" "My boss told me to find someone." "I'm in charge of it." "All you have to do is meet him." "Come on." "Uh, but..." "No, come on." "Here, hold my drink." "Cranberry juice?" "And vodka." "Come on." "I got the cranberry juice." "So, uh... you're Jerry." "So..." "I'm Jerry." "So have you ever done this kind of work before?" "Well, you know, book reports, that kind of stuff." "Who do you read?" "I like Mike Lupica." "Mike Lupica?" "He's a sportswriter for the Daily News." "I find him very insightful." "No, no, no." "I mean authors." "Well... a lot of good ones." "Lot of good ones." "I don't even wanna mention anybody because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out." "Name a couple." "Who do I like?" "I like Art Vandalay." "Art Vandalay?" "He's an obscure writer." "Beatnik, you know, from the village." "What's he written?" "Venetian Blinds." "I got news for you." "I'm funnier than you are." "Why don't we get together New Year's Day, watch some football?" "Where's my drink?" "There." "So how'd it go?" "I think he's impressed." "No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice." "Oh, um..." "I think maybe Dick picked up yours." "Dick?" "He can't drink." "He's an alcoholic." "I told you to hold it." "I didn't know you meant hold it." "I thought you meant hold it." "One drink like that, and he could fall right off the wagon." "Told you." "I never feel comfortable in the women's department." "I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress." "Do I really have to buy her something?" "Hey, the woman got you a job." "Least you could do is buy her a gift." "How about this?" "What is that, cashmere?" "Yeah." "She loves cashmere." "Who doesn't like cashmere?" "Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere." "It's too expensive." "Wow, look at this." "It's $85, marked down from 600." "Wow." "Uh, excuse me, miss?" "Yes." "How come this sweater's only $85?" "Oh, here." "This is why." "What?" "I don't see anything." "See this red dot?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, it's damaged." "Well, it's not really damaged." "Wow. $85?" "Mm-hm." "There's no exchanges on this." "You think she'd care about the dot?" "It's hard to say." "I don't even think she'd notice." "Can you see it?" "Well, I can see it." "Yeah, but you know where it is." "Well, what do you want me to do, not look at it?" "Pretend you didn't know it was there." "Can you see it?" "It's hard for me to pretend because I know where it is." "Just take an overview." "Can't you take an overview?" "You want me to take an overview?" "I see a very cheap man, holding a sweater, trying to get away with something." "That's my overview." "[###]" "JERRY:" "Yeah, so?" "Well, he's acting very strangely." "I think he started drinking again." "Oh, boy." "Can you smell it?" "No, I can't smell it." "If you can't smell it, then he hasn't been drinking." "You don't always smell from a drink." "Yes, you do." "What about one drink?" "Would you smell from one drink?" "Yes, you would." "I'll prove it." "How?" "Would you do me a favour?" "Okay." "Would you take a drink, and let us smell you?" "You can smell me without the drink." "No, no." "I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking, but I can't smell it." "Come on." "Okay." "Well, what am I drinking?" "What do you got?" "I got a bottle of Scotch my uncle gave me." "Hennigan's." "It's been there two years." "I've been using it as a paint thinner." "All right." "I don't smell anything." "We're too close to the bottle." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah?" "GEORGE:" "It's George." "Come on up." "That is damn good Scotch." "I could do a commercial for this stuff." "Mmm." "Boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth, and afterwards, you don't even smell." "That's right, folks." "I just had three shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell." "Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day." "That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch." "Hello, everybody." "Hey, George, come here." "I'm gonna tell you what I think." "Oh!" "I know you don't care what I think, but I'm gonna tell you." "I think that you are terrific." "That's all." "Thank you." "Hey, what's that?" "It's an early Christmas present." "A Christmas present?" "That's right." "For who?" "For you." "Get out of here." "Say you got a big job interview and you're a little nervous." "Well, throw back a couple of shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time." "And because it's odourless, why, it'll be our little secret." "[SINGING]" "Kramer." "Kramer." "Yeah." "That'll do." "[GASPS]" "Oh, George, this is beautiful." "Is this cashmere?" "Of course it's cashmere." "Oh, I love cashmere." "Who doesn't?" "Oh, my God." "George, this must have cost a fortune." "Ah, money." "God, Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?" "I tried to stop him." "I couldn't." "He just wants to make people happy." "God, George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me." "Good." "Good." "Listen, take it off." "You're gonna wear it out already." "It's for special occasions, this thing." "What's that red dot on your sweater?" "What?" "Yeah, listen, take it off." "I'm getting hot just looking at it." "Oh, what is this?" "It's like a red dot." "What?" "What red dot?" "What are you talking about?" "Jerry, come here for a second." "Do you see anything here?" "Um, I don't know." "Uh, I don't know." "What don't you know?" "I don't know." "Well, do you see it, or don't you?" "Uh, say that again." "Do you see it, or don't you?" "Do I see it or don't I?" "That's the question." "Now, what did you ask me again?" "[SNORING]" "[###]" "You're still here?" "You're a dynamo." "I can't believe I get paid for this." "God." "Eh, I'll see you tomorrow." "How you doing?" "Hello." "You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk?" "Who are you?" "How did you do that?" "Hennigan's." "Hennigan's?" "I was sitting there in the office, and the cleaning woman comes in." "I've always been attracted to cleaning women." "Cleaning women, chambermaids..." "Yeah, chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too." "Why is that?" "It's a woman in your room." "So go ahead." "So, uh... she starts vacuuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts..." "Uh..." "Convulsing?" "Convulsing?" "I don't know." "I'm trying to help you." "So then I asked her if she wanted a drink." "You don't drink." "I know, but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her." "So you started drinking." "So we started drinking, and, uh..." "I'll tell you, I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next thing I knew, she was mopping the floor with me." "And how was it?" "The sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigan's." "Good thing the cleaning lady was there." "ELAINE:" "Dick was fired." "You mean to tell me, I put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would've happened?" "You knew he was an alcoholic." "Why'd you put the drink down at all?" "What are you saying?" "I'm not saying anything." "You're saying something." "What could I be saying?" "Well, you're not saying nothing." "You must be saying something." "If I was saying something, I would have said it." "Why don't you say it." "I said it." "What did you say?" "Nothing." "It's exhausting being with you." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah." "GEORGE:" "It's George." "Come on up." "Hey." "Let me ask you something." "Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper?" "Okay." "You just gave me the answer." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did." "Yes, you did." "I saw your expression." "I didn't have an expression." "I have a deviated septum." "I have to..." "I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe." "Uh-huh." "How much did he save?" "Frankly, I am shocked that you could ask such a question of me." "That you would think, if I..." "The only surprise was how you could even think of that." "That's what you were seeing." "I have to talk to you." "This cleaning woman's turning the screws on me." "She's pushing for this whole relationship thing." "She keeps calling me." "She's threatening to go to the boss and tell him everything." "I could lose my job." "I..." "I gotta do something to keep her quiet." "Elaine's in the bathroom." "She's wise to the whole red-dot thing." "She's asking me all kinds of questions about it." "Did you tell her anything?" "No." "You swear?" "I'm not swearing." "I don't wanna swear." "Come on, swear." "No." "Oh, you told her, didn't you?" "No." "Hey, George, did you buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?" "What?" "Did I what?" "You did, didn't you?" "Elaine, I'm shocked." "I'm shocked." "Here I go out, in the spirit of the season, and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas, and this is the thanks I get at Christmas." "Well, Jerry told me that you did." "You told her?" "How could you tell her?" "Why did you squeal on me?" "What kind of friend are you?" "I didn't tell her, you stupid idiot." "She tricked you." "Elaine, you don't understand." "I had a 103 temperature when I bought that sweater." "I was so dizzy, I was seeing red dots everywhere." "I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it." "I couldn't distinguish one red dot from the other." "I couldn't afford anything." "I have nothing." "I haven't worked for a really long time." "I mean, look, I have no clothes." "Look at what I'm wearing." "It was just a little red dot." "A little red dot." "[MIMICS CRYING]" "This is for you." "Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me?" "Oh, I knew you cared for me." "Yes, yes, as you care for me, which is why it's very important that you never breathe a word to anyone about..." "You know?" "What with Clarence Thomas and everything." "Okay, okay." "Can I open it now?" "Yes, of course." "Go ahead." "My guess is you're gonna like this very much." "Is that cashmere?" "Of course it's cashmere." "Oh, a cashmere sweater." "Oh, Georgie Porgie." "Just a little something for Christmas." "When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town." "And he was wearing the softest, most beautiful sweater." "I said, "What do you call this beautiful fabric?"" "And he said:" ""They call it cashmere."" "I repeated the word." ""Cashmere, cashmere"... and I asked him if I could have it, and he said:" ""No." "Get away from me."" "And he started to walk away." "Oh, but I grabbed onto his leg, screaming for him to give me the sweater, and he dragged me through the streets." "And then he kicked me with the other foot and he threw some change at me." "But I didn't want the change, Georgie." "I wanted the cashmere." "I had a feeling you would like it." "I'm going to try it on." "No." "Don't try it on now." "Try it later." "Oh, look, it fits beautiful." "All right, take it off." "You're gonna ruin it." "What's this?" "I was in a men's room the other day." "They had the hand blower instead of the paper towels." "You know this thing?" "I like the hand blower, I have to say." "Takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench, you want to spend as much time as you can." "MAN:" "The only stench is coming from you." "Oh, well, wait a second." "I believe we have a heckler, ladies and gentlemen." "Hey, Dick, look, I don't know what your problem is." "It's not my fault you're back on the wagon." "It's "off the wagon."" "Well, in the old days, how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town?" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "I don't know." "JERRY:" "On a wagon." "And don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way?" "You can't drink on a wagon." "It's..." "It'd be too bumpy." "They had smooth trails." "What about the Cumberland Gap?" "What the hell do you know about wagons?" "I know enough not to get on them." "I'm gonna get right to the point." "Uh..." "It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office." "Is that correct?" "Who said that?" "She did." "Was that wrong?" "Should I not have done that?" "I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon..." "You know, because I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you, people do that all the time." "You're fired." "Well, you didn't have to say it like that." "I want you out of here by the end of the day." "What about the whole Christmas-spirit thing?" "Any flexibility there?" "Nah." "Oh, wait, wait, wait." "She wanted me to give you this." "You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman." "You never had sex in the office before?" "No." "I once made out with someone, but that's it." "Okay." "All right." "So you made out." "Well, that's not sex." "Kissing is sex." "Kissing is not sex." "JERRY:" "George." "Jerry." "Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose?" "No." "JERRY:" "George?" "Over here." "What are you doing here?" "I'm taking the kid out to dinner, cheer him up." "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?" "I would say, uh... when the nipple makes its first appearance." "So, uh, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose." "Nice try." "So guess who heckled me at the club last night." "[CRASHING]" "DICK:" "Merry Christmas!" "Oh, my God, that's Dick." "Dick?" "Dick!" "It's Cape Fear." "Hide." "Hide under the desk." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Move over." "Get off of me." "I have no room." "My foot's sticking out." "Shut up." "He's coming." "Is that cashmere?" "GEORGE:" "Of course it's cashmere." "What's this?" "But, in a way, I think I inadvertently turned this guy into an alcoholic." "And I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you." "And those are the two statements that scare me the most." "But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me." "He's finally off the wagon." "You mean on the wagon." "Don't get smart." "[###]" "[###]" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "I'm going to get a physical examination." "[###]" "To me, that urine sample..." "Giving them that, that's always a pleasure, isn't it?" "And then there's always the amount question:" ""I don't know what you need." "I mean, that's, uh..." "I gave you whatever I had there." "That's the..." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "I got more." "I mean, whatever you need, I can get it for you." "Just let me know what you need." "I mean, it's no problem, I mean..."" "But any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is," "I always kind of click into this thing where I wanna do really well." "You know, if it's gonna be a physical test, I wanna do well." "You know, like, remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests?" "And you'd really..." "You'd really be listening, you know, trying to do really..." "Trying to do well, I wanna do well." "I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test." "I wanted them to come over to me after the hearing test and go:" ""We think you may have something close to super hearing." "What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt." "We're sending the results to Washington." "We'd like you to meet the president."" "[###]" "JERRY:" "Let me ask you a question." "If you named a kid Rasputin, do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?" "No." "What are you doing?" "We're going out to dinner in 10 minutes." "Do you realize this is the last meal I'm gonna have for three days?" "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah." "GEORGE:" "George." "Come on up." "I never heard of this." "You gotta fast for three days to take an ulcer test." "How are you gonna do that?" "I don't know." "How could I possibly have ulcers?" "Who could have given me ulcers?" "I think I'll take out the garbage." "Hey, have you ever fasted?" "Well, once I didn't have dinner till, like, 9:00." "I'll tell you, that was pretty rough." "Hey." "Do me a favour, will you?" "Throw out my garbage for me." "Yeah." "Right." "Come on." "It's just down the hall." "Give me 2 bucks." "I'll do it for 2 bucks." "I'll give you 50 cents." "There's no way I'd touch that bag for less than $2." "Come on, 50 cents." "You can get yourself a Drake's Coffee Cake." "You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for 50 cents." "What are you...?" "Hey, I'm all set." "I got the ticket." "I'm going to the Cayman Islands this Friday." "I don't get you." "Who goes on vacation without a job?" "What do you need, a break from getting up at 11?" "It's an incredible deal." "I don't know why you don't come with me." "Ah, I don't go for these nonrefundable deals." "I can't commit to a woman, I'm not committing to an airline." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Gina, do you know what a Drake's Coffee Cake is?" "Of course." "The plain cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top." "Right." "How much do they cost?" "The junior?" "No, no, no, the full-size." "No, no, the junior." "You didn't say "junior." I haven't had one of those since I was a little girl." "Really?" "You should be ashamed of yourself." "I want you out of here." "How you doing?" "Good enough." "Boy, she's sexy, isn't she?" "Yeah." "Do you believe that guy?" "What guy?" "My neighbour." "Ooh, that creepy guy?" "Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?" "He didn't seem too pleased." "Maybe I'll get a steak with French-fried onion rings." "Hey, you know what?" "I just remembered something." "I had a dream about that guy last night." "This is amazing." "What's so amazing?" "You've seen him before." "I haven't seen him for months." "What was the dream?" "He was doing stand-up comedy in Kennebunkport, Maine, in this really ominous nightclub." "The stage was on a cliff, and the audience was throwing all the comics off." "I think I've played there." "I've had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me." "You're a little paranormal." "Name one paranormal thing that happened to you." "I knew I was gonna be bald." "JERRY:" "Your father's bald." "Baldness is inherited from the mother's side, Jerry." "But your mother's bald too." "Hey, George, you know, my friend goes to a psychic." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "We should go sometime." "I'd love to go." "Make..." "Make an appointment." "Psychics, vacations." "How about getting a job?" "I just got fired." "All right, come on." "Let's get out of here." "I wonder what Gandhi ate before his fast." "I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "Gandhi loved Triscuits." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Who is it?" "Who is it?" "GINA:" "It's Gina!" "Who?" "GINA:" "Martin's girlfriend." "Martin?" "GINA:" "Your next-door neighbour." "Oh, Martin!" "It's Martin." "I think he's dying." "He tried to kill himself with pills." "What?" "Come on." "In my pyjamas?" "Let me go get my robe." "We do not have time." "It'll take two seconds." "There is no time." "We don't have two seconds?" "All right, go ahead." "No, forget it." "No, go ahead." "No, I'll just wear the pyjamas." "Will you just get it?" "Are you sure?" "Then forget it." "Come on." "No, I'll go get the robe." "[###]" "That's not too bad." "It's not like a Sunny von Bülow coma." "Doctor said he should snap out of it any time." "You know why he did this?" "Because I told him it was over." "I did not want to see him anymore." "Really?" "It's over?" "I could not stand it another minute." "Yesterday, he turned over a Sabrett hot-dog stand, because he thought the man was looking at me." "And then, after he saw you in the hall..." "He was crazy with jealousy." "Oh, boy." "Did he say anything about me?" "He does not like you." "And all indications are he does not like Drake's Coffee Cake." "He said that?" "He was screaming about it all night." "How it's too sweet, and it falls apart when you eat it." "I'm sorry if I caused any trouble." "I was just being friendly." "I wasn't." "You weren't?" "No." "I have thought about you many times." "Have you thought about me?" "Of course." "Tell me everything." "Are you sure he can't hear anything?" "Martin." "Martin!" "I wish he was not in a coma." "I wish he was dead." "I would like to pull the plug out from him!" "I would..." "I would wait on that one." "I know how you feel, but juries today, you never know how they're gonna look at a thing like this." "I saw you looking at your watch." "You want to leave?" "Go ahead." "I just wanted to see what time it was." "Are you afraid of him?" "No." "Then kiss me." "Here?" "Yes, right here." "Is this the proper venue?" "You don't want to?" "No, no, I want to." "I very much want to." "I desire to." "I pine to." "Then kiss me right in front of him." "I can't!" "What if he wakes up?" "A man is lying here unconscious, and you're afraid of him?" "What kind of a man are you?" "I'm a man who respects a good coma." "If it was one of those in-and-out comas, maybe." "But when a guy's got a coma going like this, you don't wanna mess with it." "[###]" "Hey." "Hey." "Did you hear about, uh, Martin?" "Yeah, I heard." "I can't believe he's in a coma." "He's got my vacuum cleaner." "You know, I loaned it to him, he never returned it." "The carpets are filthy." "What am I gonna do?" "Who told you about Martin?" "Newman." "He's good friends with him." "Oh, bigmouth Newman." "I should have guessed." "He's got all my attachments, you know." "Hey, let me ask you something." "How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?" "Oh, Gina?" "Yeah." "Why wait?" "Why not just call Dr. Kevorkian." "You know, I don't get that whole suicide machine." "There's no tall buildings where these people live?" "They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?" "So, what's going on between you and Gina?" "Well, I went with her to the hospital last night." "So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him." "Uh-huh." "See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women." "All right." "So, what did you do?" "Nothing." "What kind of a man are you?" "The guy is unconscious in a coma, and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?" "I didn't know what the coma etiquette was." "There is no coma etiquette." "See, that's the beauty of the coma, man." "It doesn't matter what you do around him." "So you're saying his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs." "You can just loot the coma victim." "I give them 24 hours to get out of it." "They can't get out of it by 24 hours, it's a land rush." "So if the coma victim wakes up in a month..." "He's thrilled." "He got out of the coma." "He goes home, there's nothing left?" "Nothing left!" "That's why I'm trying to get that vacuum cleaner." "Because somebody's gonna grab it." "[###]" "Martin's spirit came to you as a warning." "Why would he come to George?" "Because George has heightened extrasensory perception." "Faithy, get your finger out of your nose!" "I knew it." "I always felt different." "You are." "Some coffee cake?" "Drake's?" "Yes." "Did you buy this for me?" "No, why?" "Because I love Drake's Coffee Cake." "Maybe I did." "Take it away." "Oh, right." "She hasn't eaten in two days." "Who's Pauline?" "Pauline?" "Wait a minute." "Oh, my God." "My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline." "You think about her?" "When I hear her name mentioned." "Cut these with your left hand." "There was a woman." "Audrey." "She had a very big nose." "I see an Audrey, but with a small nose." "Yes, yes." "She had a nose job." "I loved her very deeply." "Will she ever speak to me again?" "Not in this life." "Should you be smoking?" "Does it bother you?" "You're pregnant." "Elaine." "I smoked when I had Faithy." "Uh-oh." ""Uh-oh"?" "What?" "What uh-oh?" "I don't know about this trip, George." "You can see the Cayman Islands in there?" "Is something gonna happen to me?" "What?" "It's really bad for the foetus, you know that?" "Elaine, she's a psychic." "She knows how the kid's gonna be." "Should I not go on this trip?" "George," "I am going to tell you something, and I want you to really hear me." "Now, listen, I just don't know how a person, with everything that we now know about prenatal care, can put a cigarette in her mouth!" "Elaine, what are you doing to me?" "It's disgusting." "I don't need this!" "Look, please!" "I would like you both to leave." "Oh, fine." "Well, I don't like to be around people who are just so irresponsible." "Get the hell out." "A plane crash?" "!" "A heart attack?" "!" "Lupus?" "Is it lupus?" "Do you want me to call the super?" "He was an Israeli commando." "If you don't say anything, I'll assume it's a plane crash." "Get out." "Not a plane crash." "Is...?" "Is it a plane crash?" "Psychics should be licensed." "And it wouldn't be hard." "I mean, we could just give them the regular DMV test, only with the silver dollars and the pizza dough over the eyes." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "I mean, if you can do the parallel park like that, you're a psychic." "We can test these people, there's no question about it." "Like Kreskin." "I mean, instead of just hiding his check, why don't we try stopping his check." "Let's see how he handles that." "I do not like your toothbrush." "There are no bristles." "You can say what you want about me, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here while you insult my toothbrush." "It is too small for someone with such a big mouth." "Let me ask you, what will you do if Martin wakes up?" "Run away like a mouse?" "No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie." "Who are these Stooges you speak of?" "They're a comedy team." "Tell me about them." "Everything." "Well, they're three kind of funny-looking guys, and they'd hit each other a lot." "You will show me the Stooges?" "[IN MEDITERRANEAN ACCENT] I will show you the Stooges." "When?" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well," "I don't really know where the Stooges are right now, but if I locate them, you'll be the first to know." "Come." "You walk me to a cab." "Uh, well, I, um..." "I don't want you to get upset or anything, but, uh, with Martin and all, maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here." "You are still afraid." "You are not a man." "Well, then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?" "Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?" "Yeah, all right, all right." "Why don't you just eat fruit." "I can't eat fruit." "It makes me incontinent." "I don't want you eating over here." "Hello, Gina." "Hello, Jerry." "Hello, Newman." "[###]" "Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up?" "What kind of sicko would do that?" "He could kill me." "People smoke, Elaine." "My mother smoked." "It didn't hurt me." "Did you guys see that wall move?" "Boy, it's a good thing we came." "Could there be a native problem in the Caymans?" "Maybe there's native unrest." "Hi. I..." "I haven't eaten in three days." "I was wondering how much longer it would be till I get my X-ray." "We'll call you." "George, I want you to promise me something." "If I'm ever in a coma, in the first 24 hours, get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage." "How come?" "Looters." "How do we know the dog food's any good?" "Who tastes it?" "She is really hungry." "Hey." "Kramer." "Well, Newman's upstairs visiting Martin." "Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?" "You're not going?" "No." "Why not?" "The psychic said something terrible will happen." "I dig." "[###]" "I want my vacuum cleaner!" "Martin, I know you can hear me." "Look, my mother, she's gonna come and visit me." "She sees that rug, she's gonna kill me." "He can't hear you, you idiot." "Why don't you just buy another one." "Why would I buy another one when I spent 100 bucks on this one?" "I have a carpet sweeper you can use." "I don't want a carpet sweeper." "They don't do anything." "It gets my rug clean." "The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing." "Well, you should take a look at my rug, then." "I wouldn't set foot in your house." "Hello." "KRAMER:" "Hey." "Hello, Jerry." "JERRY:" "How's he doing?" "Well, he looks happy to me." "I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up." "Why wouldn't he?" "No reason." "He'll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess." "I'll bring him up to date." "How up to date?" "All the way up." "Oh." "Nothing could change your mind?" "Well, it would take a hell of a lot, because a friend is something you earn." "Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands this weekend." "He's not going." "I don't care much for the beach." "I freckle." "Is that a, uh...?" "Drake's Coffee Cake." "Wow." "Where did you get that?" "From my house." "I got a whole box of them." "Boy." "That's the full-size." "That's your big boy." "Can I have a bite?" "I don't like to give out bites." "I got another one, but I'm saving it for later." "Just one bite?" "I don't think so." "You know, they're..." "They're so fragile." "All right!" "All right." "I won't say anything." "You swear?" "I swear." "On your mother's life?" "On my mother's life." "Whoa." "[MOANS]" "But here it was, mountains of duck." "And not fatty duck either, but..." "But juicy, tender breasts of duck." "Beautifully sliced..." "GEORGE:" "Faithy!" "Sweetheart, no, don't run a...!" "ELAINE:" "And you could take as much as you want..." "Sweetheart!" "Sweetheart!" "Faithy!" "Hi." "Hi!" "What are you doing here?" "How did I know you were here?" "Something drew me here." "This is phenomenal." "The nurse said she'd be right back." "They're supposed to take me to the delivery room." "Oh, that's great." "That's great." "By the way, I have to apologize for my friend the other day..." "Friend?" "I don't even know that woman." "I met her on bus on the way over." "I couldn't get rid of her." "I tell you, my psychic instincts were a little off, but..." "Where's the nurse?" "I'm sure she'll be right back." "They're professionals." "Sweetheart, why don't you run and get a nurse for Mommy." "Anyway, I was just curious." "Remember, the other day you were saying something about my trip?" "Don't take that trip." "Yeah!" "Why?" "Why?" "Because..." "Because..." "All right, Rula." "It's time to go." "Yeah, because...?" "Because...?" "Assassins!" "How dare they keep a person waiting like this!" "Drake's Coffee Cake?" "Give me that!" "Jerry, you better stop her, or I'll tell!" "JERRY:" "Elaine, no!" "No!" "[MARTIN GROANING]" "Are there terrorists on the plane?" "Uh, a hotel fire, is that it?" "Typhus?" "Malaria?" "Yellow fever?" "Lupus?" "Is it lupus?" "They did it right in this bed, Martin." "Right in front of you." "I want my vacuum cleaner!" "I can explain!" "It was disgusting!" "What are you doing?" "We're going to dinner in 10 minutes." "I never assisted in a birth before." "It's really quite disgusting." "What did she name the kid?" "You wouldn't believe it." "Rasputin." "Hey!" "JERRY AND GEORGE:" "Hey!" "When did you get back?" "A couple hours ago." "So how was it?" "George," "I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life." "They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue right in the hotel pool." "Whoa!" "Not only that, the hotel, they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing, and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there." "Wow!" "I am on the next blanket from Elle Macpherson." "Oh!" "We played backgammon nude." "Oh!" "Oh, she's a sweet kid." "Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!" "Oh, you know what?" "The second day I was there, I stepped on a jellyfish." "Now, it kind of stung my foot." "That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about." "Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish." "Yeah." "What's this?" "Oh, it's an invitation to a housewarming for Martin and Gina." "They moved in together?" "Yeah, some place down in the Village." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah." "ELAINE:" "It's Elaine." "All right, we're coming down." "Hey, where you going?" "Oh, we're taking Elaine to dinner." "She's gotta start the fast again." "You wanna go?" "Gee, I'd like to, but a bunch of us from the islands, we'll be getting together." "Elle Macpherson gonna be there?" "Oh, God...!" "I gotta call her back." "[###]" "The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people that try and commit suicide, for some reason, they don't die, and then that's it." "They stop trying." "Why?" "Why don't they just keep trying?" "What has changed?" "Is their life any better now?" "No." "In fact, it's worse, because now they've found out, here's one more thing you stink at." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Okay, that's why these people don't succeed at life to begin with." "Because they give up too easy." "I say, pills don't work, try a rope." "Car won't start in the garage?" "Get a tune-up." "You know what I mean?" "There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself." "[###]" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "When I was a kid, uh, my favourite ride was the bumper-car ride." "[###]" "Remember that ride?" "Going around in a circle." "There was always one kid on the bumper cars that could not do it." "Do you remember this kid?" "As soon as the ride gets started, he'd be, like, stuck in a pack of empty cars." "Just..." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" ""Excuse me." "Excuse me." "It won't go!" "Come on!" "It's almost over!"" "You know, he always ends up with the attendant hanging off that big pole helping him steer it, you know." ""Stop crying."" "Then there's always that other..." "One other really bad car..." "The helpless father-and-son team." "This is another car just not going anywhere." "They're never organized." "Who's on the wheel?" "Who's pressing on the gas?" "Just:" ""Oh, son, turn the wheel."" "[###]" "KRAMER:" "All right, Coney Island?" "Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway and Lafayette." "Or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT, 2, 3, 4 or 5." "But don't get on the G." "See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th Street." "Then you gotta get on the R." "Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?" "Well, yeah." "Okay." "What time is your job interview, George?" "9:45." "Remember, don't whistle on the elevator." "Why not?" "That's what Willy Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman." "What, you're comparing me to Biff Loman?" "That's very encouraging." "The biggest loser in the history of American literature." "All right, I gotta get going." "What time's the lesbian wedding?" "9:30." "Lesbian wedding." "How do they work the bride and groom on that?" "What, do they flip a coin?" "Yeah, they flip a coin." "What, was that not politically correct?" "It's a..." "It's a legitimate question." "I'm so tired." "I'm gonna fall asleep on that train." "I always get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking:" ""That's why I'm not a heterosexual."" "All right, Jerry, come on." "Let's go, pick up the check so we can go." "Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?" "Yeah." "ELAINE AND GEORGE:" "Yeah." "Why do I always pay?" "What am I, made of money?" "You bunch of deadbeats." "GEORGE:" "How many tickets you paying today?" "Well, let's see." "Speeding, running a red light, no licence, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear-view mirror." "Look at that one." ""No doors"?" "Yeah, I'm fighting that one." "You know, this is gonna cost me over 600 bucks." "Oh, I..." "I can't carry change in these pants." "It falls out." "Here you go." "KRAMER:" "There you go." "MAN:" "Thank you." "That guy's not blind." "ELAINE:" "Oh..." "So can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me?" "Gotta pick up my car at the pound." "George?" "I can't believe they actually found your stolen car." "JERRY:" "Not only did they find it, it was simonized, and the front end was aligned." "That's amazing." "JERRY:" "So, what do you say?" "Ride on the Cyclone." "Hot dog at Nathan's on me." "Who are you, Satan?" "I'm close to a job here." "It's my second interview." "All right, Biff." "Elaine?" "Merry-go-round?" "I can't." "I'm the best man." "Kramer." "Bumper cars." "I gotta go to court." "I'll get in trouble." "What's the matter with you?" "It could be years till I get back to Coney Island." "I can't go on the rides alone." "CONDUCTOR: 42nd Street." "Change for the D and the double R, the 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, the C, K and F train." "Well..." "See you." "[WHISTLES]" "KRAMER:" "Hey!" "Damn!" "Yeah!" "[SNORING]" "You looking for a job?" "Me?" "Why?" "Well, you're reading the classifieds." "Oh, uh, no." "No, no, no." "I, uh..." "I was just looking for the stock page." "Ah, here it is." "Looking for the quotes." "Gotta check the quotes." "Love a good quote." "Oh." "IBM up a quarter." "What do you know?" "You didn't look like someone who needed a job." "Me?" "No." "No, I don't." "I don't." "Doing very well." "Very well, yeah." "So you're in the market?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I'm, uh, in the market." "Which market?" "Which market?" "The, uh..." "The big one." "The, uh, big market with the big board." "Bull market, bear market." "You name the market, I'm there." "So do you work for one of the big brokerage houses?" "They wish." "I hate the big brokerage houses." "Hate them with a passion." "Big brokerage houses killed my father." "Really?" "Well, they hurt him bad." "Really hurt his feelings." "It's a long story." "I don't like to talk about it, but, uh," "I swore there and then that I would never work for a big brokerage house." "You see, all they care about is money." "I'm about more than money." "I'm about, uh, people." "So I've always gone my own way, and, uh," "I've never looked back." "[TRAIN HORN HONKS]" "[CHUCKLING]" "I started riding these trains in the '40s." "Oh." "Those days, a man would give up his seat for a woman." "Now we're liberated." "We have to stand." "It's ironic." "What's ironic?" "This." "That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but, you know, we lost the little things, the niceties." "No, I..." "I mean, what does "ironic" mean?" "Oh." "Where you off to with such a nice present, huh?" "Birthday party?" "A wedding." "A wedding?" "Yeah." "I didn't think people still get married." "It's hard today with the men and women." "You're telling me." "So, uh, they're a nice couple?" "Oh, very nice." "What does he do, if you don't mind my asking?" "She." "She?" "Oh." "She." "She works, he doesn't." "He sounds like my son." "There is no "he."" "There's no he?" "So, uh, who's getting married?" "Um, two women." "It's, uh, a lesbian wedding." "Lesbian wedding?" "Uh-huh." "Yep." "Yep, I'm the, um, the best man." "Great." "My luck." "I don't talk to a soul on the subway for 35 years," "I get the best man at a lesbian wedding." "Oh, no, no." "No, you don't understand." "I'm not a lesbian!" "I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian." "ELAINE:" "I'm really looking forward to this." "I love weddings." "Maybe I'll meet somebody." "Mm..." "Maybe not." "[BRAKES SCREECHING]" "Oh, man." "We're stopping?" "Well, uh, this is where I get off." "Oh, uh, you do?" "Um..." "Yeah." "Hey, why don't you...?" "Oh, nothing." "No, no." "What?" "What?" "Well, I was going to say, "Why don't you get off with me."" "But you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something." "Yeah." "Well..." "See, I knew it was a bad idea." "Hey, what's another million, give or take?" "I get off when and where I wanna get off." "I'm stuck." "Could you just pull it a little...?" "This'll just be a second." "Don't..." "Don't start the train!" "Don't start the train!" "Here it is." "Here it is, the four horse in the first race." "Pappernick." "How do you know he's gonna win?" "My UPS guy." "Lance." "The guys who own the horse are his regular customers." "Every horse he's ever given me has won." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "See, they've been sandbagging, looking for a good spot." "He's been getting in light, because they're using a bug boy on him, and the workouts have been unpublished." "Now they're ready to run with him." "Gonna break his maiden." "He's gonna go for a great price, maybe 30-1." "I'm telling you, it's a lock." "But it rained last night." "Exactly." "This horse loves the slop." "It's in his bloodlines." "His father was a mudder." "His mother was a mudder." "His mother was a mudder?" "What did I just say?" "Come on, let's go up to the office." "I'm gonna call my bookie." "Hey, don't tell anybody." "Oh, man." "Okay." "You realize, of course, you're naked." "Naked, dressed, I don't see any difference." "You ought to sit here." "There's a difference." "You got something against the naked body?" "I got something against yours." "How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe some squat-thrusts?" "Who's got time for squat-thrusts?" "All right, how about skipping breakfast?" "I'm guessing you're not a "half-grapefruit and black coffee" man." "I like a good breakfast." "I understand." "I like a good breakfast, long as you don't wind up trapped in a room in bib overalls and pigtails being counselled by Dick Gregory." "I'm not ashamed of my body." "Exactly." "That's your problem." "You should be." "Don't get up." "Please, allow me." "ELAINE:" "Oh, this is great." "This is what I need, just what I need." "Okay, tak e it easy." "I'm sure it's nothing." "Probably rats on the track." "They're stopping for rats." "God, it's so crowded." "How could there be so many people?" "This guy really smells." "Doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city?" "What is so hard?" "You tak e the cap off, you roll it on." "What's that?" "I feel something rubbing against me." "These disgusting animals." "These people should be in a cage." "We are in a cage." "What if I miss the wedding?" "I got the ring." "What'll they do?" "You can't get married without a ring." "Oh, God..." "I can't breathe." "I feel faint." "Okay, tak e it easy." "It'll start moving soon." "Think about people in concentration camps, what they went through." "And the hostages!" "What would you do if you were a hostage?" "Think about that." "This is nothing." "No, it's not nothing, it's something." "It's a nightmare." "Help me!" "Move it!" "Come on!" "Move this f****** thing!" "Why isn't it moving?" "!" "What could go wrong with a train?" "It's on tracks." "There's no traffic." "How could a train get stuck?" "Step on the gas!" "What could it be?" "You'd think the conductor would explain it to us." ""I'm sorry, there's a delay." "We'll be moving in five minutes."" "I wanna hear a v oice." "What's that on my leg?" "!" "[###]" "Nice." "Your, uh, company sends you on the road often, huh?" "Nice." "Oh, hey, nice ice bucket there." "Make yourself comfortable." "GEORGE:" "Mak e myself comfortable?" "What does that mean?" "Does she want me to tak e my clothes off?" "Is she taking her clothes off?" "What if I tak e my clothes off and she still has hers on?" "Then I really look lik e an idiot." "She could get offended and leave." "So maybe I should leave them on." "But then what if she tak es hers off?" "Then she'll feel humiliated." ""Mak e yourself comfortable"?" "I've got this unbelievable woman, and this "comfortable" thing could ruin me." "I got it." "I'll tak e my shoes off and sit on the bed." "There." "That's comfortable." "She can't accuse me of being uncomfortable." "I gotta tell you, I'm pretty comfortable." "KRAMER:" "Oh, yeah, it's all set." "They've got the bug boy on him." "The bug boy?" "Yeah, the little fellow's been riding his heart out." "They're gonna break his maiden." "Really?" "Yeah." "Yeah, but it's a little slow out there." "It rained last night." "Oh, this baby loves the slop." "Loves it." "Eats it up." "Eats the slop." "Born to slop." "His father was a mudder." "His father was a mudder." "His mother was a mudder." "His mother was a mudder?" "What did I just say?" "Hey." "All right, uh, 600, Pappernick to win." "They still have no pitching." "Gooden's a question mark." "You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast." "I'm not worried about the Mets' pitching." "They got pitching." "They got no hitting." "No, hitting, they got hitting." "Bonilla, Murray." "They got no defence." "Defence, please." "They need speed." "Speed?" "They've got Coleman." "They need a bullpen." "Franco's no good?" "They got no team leaders." "They got Franco." "What they need is a front office." "But you gotta like their chances." "I love their chances." "Tell you what, if they win the pennant this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series." "It's a deal." "ELAINE:" "Why couldn't I tak e a cab?" "For $6, my whole life could have changed." "What is that on my leg?" "I'll never get out of here." "What if I'm here for the rest of my life?" "Maybe I'll get out in five seconds." "One banana, two banana, three banana, four banana, five banana." "No." "I'm still here." "Still here." "When will they start moving?" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "[ENGINE STARTS]" "It's moving." "It's moving!" "Yes!" "Yes." "[BRAKES SCREECH]" "Mother******!" "Um..." "Gee, I hope you have the key for these things." "Oh, don't worry, I do." "You know, my mother used to walk around our apartment in her bra and panties." "She didn't look anything like you." "She was... really disgusting, really bad body." "You know, if you can imagine an uglier, fatter version of Shirley Booth." "Remember Shirley Booth in Hazel?" "Really embarrassing, because, you know, I had the only mother in the whole neighbourhood who was worse-looking than Hazel." "You can imagine the taunts I would hear." "Like what?" "Like, uh:" ""Hey, your mother's uglier than Hazel."" ""Hazel really puts your mother to shame." You know." "What's, uh, going on?" "It was a pleasure doing business with you, George, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get going." "Get going?" "But, uh, we haven't really, you know..." "Eight dollars?" "Eight dollars?" "What are you doing?" "You're robbing me?" "I wasted my whole morning on you for $8?" "Wait a second." "What are you doing?" "I'm taking your clothes." "No, no, no, that's my only suit!" "It cost me $350!" "I got it at Moe Ginsburg!" "Bye, George." "You can't just leave me here." "Will I see you again?" "[ANNOUNCER TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]" "It's Hoy's Boy followed by Jamet," "Little Baggit, Kiss Harmony and then a long way to Flagrant." "Come on!" "Into the stretch, with an 1/8th of a mile to go, Stepagain, Passionel battling it out." "They're clear from Jamet, Pappernick is starting to mak e some ground, but Stepagain is the leader." "With a 1/16th to go," "Stepagain leader over Passionel." "Come on." "Come on!" "Yes!" "Look at Pappernick, he's sprouting wings." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Stepagain just falling back, being tackled by Pappernick." "Pappernick flashing home." "Stepagain, Pappernick, Pappernick and Stepagain to the line..." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "The winner is Pappernick." "Yes, yes!" "I won." "Hey!" "[###]" "[WHISTLES]" "Yeah." "Eh?" "I haven't had a hot dog at Nathan's in 20 years." "First, we ride the Cyclone." "Chilly out." "Ahh, French fries." "[VIOLIN PLAYS]" "Hey, hey!" "Give me the money." "Huh?" "Give me the money!" "Freeze!" "Police!" "No, I never got the car." "We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed." "That's too bad." "You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's." "Look at what we won." "You want him?" "Get that out of my face." "So you missed the wedding." "You'll catch the bris." "Hare Krishna!" "Hare Krishna!" "How'd you like a Hare Krishna fist down your throat, you little punk?" "George." "Biff." "What, did you whistle on the elevator?" "I have my spare key in your apartment, right?" "Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer." "Give me your key." "I gotta get it." "All right, what happened?" "Never mind what happened, just give me the key." "Come on, I'll go with you." "Here." "Pay." "Wait, wait, wait." "Give me that." "All right." "So I take the subway down to Coney Island" "[###] to go on the Cyclone." "I'm riding on the subway." "I'm sitting on the D train for an hour and 15 minutes to go on a scary ride." "Okay, how dumb is that?" "You know that first sharp drop on the Cyclone?" "Fell asleep." "[###]" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Women put on their perfume in an interesting way." "I love watching them do that." "Did you ever notice that, guys?" "When they have those..." "Their little key, Stratego little areas." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "[HUMMING]" "Places they think we're going." "[###]" "And they always hit this one." "Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen in the dating world." "What...?" "What is that, ladies?" "What is happening here?" "Is that in case you slap the guy or something?" "He still finds you intriguing?" ""Oh, Chanel!"" "She's a pianist, a classical pianist!" "She plays the piano!" "She's a brilliant woman!" "I sat in her living room, she played the Waldstein Sonata." "The Waldstein!" "[HUMS WALDS TEIN SONATA]" "We..." "We did a crossword puzzle together in bed." "It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life!" "Do you hear me?" "In my life!" "You know?" "Were you talking?" "I couldn't hear anything." "I was telling you about Noel." "Oh, Noel, yeah." "The one that plays the bongos." "So side-splittingly funny." "All right, I'm sorry." "What about her?" "What, you think I'm gonna repeat the whole thing now?" "I know." "You told me you like her." "Everything's going good." "No, everything's not going good." "I'm very uncomfortable." "I have no power." "Why should she have the upper hand?" "Once in my life, I would like the upper hand." "I have no hand, no hand at all." "She has the hand." "I have no hand." "Hand me that, would you?" "Yeah." "How do I get the hand?" "We all want the hand." "Hand is tough to get." "You gotta get the hand right from the opening." "She's playing a recital this week at the McBierny School." "You wanna hear her play?" "I got two extra tickets." "You and Elaine could go." "Yeah, that sounds like something." "Then afterwards, maybe we could all go out together." "You know, she'll see me with my friends." "She'll observe me as I really am, as myself." "Maybe I can get some hand that way." "Oh, hey." "Hey." "Hey, smell my arm." "What?" "Smell it." "Smell it." "With all due respect, I don't think so." "Jerry, smell." "That smells good." "What is that?" "The beach." "Yeah." "The beach?" "Did you go swimming?" "It's 29 degrees out." "No, I just joined the Polar Bear Club." "You joined the Polar Bears?" "What the hell is a Polar Bear?" "Well, it's these people, they go swimming in the winter." "They're terrific." "I just took my first swim today." "[SHIVERING]" "It's invigorating." "Yeah, so is shock therapy." "Yeah." "What is that, a PEZ dispenser?" "Yeah." "Do you want one?" "There you go." "Hey." "I just bought it at the flea market." "You want one?" "Hey, what goes on there, exactly?" "You don't know?" "No, I know." "I know." "You think they have fleas there, don't you?" "No." "Yes, you do, Biff." "You've never been to a flea market, and you think they have fleas there." "All right, I think they have fleas there." "So what?" "Here, you want this?" "Oh, you don't want it?" "No, I bought five of them." "Wow, great." "Thanks." "I don't know how anyone does this." "This must be so nerve-racking." "How do they warm up their fingers?" "They have a piano backstage they warm up on." "No." "We would have heard it." "What do you think?" "They just crack their knuckles and come out?" "I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay?" "Sure." "And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time." "It's not over yet." "I really resent that." "That's directed at me, isn't it?" "Is this okay?" "Can I do this?" "[PIANO PLAYING]" "[LAUGHING]" "Shh." "Who gives...?" "[LAUGHING LOUDLY]" "Oh, God." "Something I said?" "It's John Mollica." "Oh." "Oh, John." "Oh, hi, John." "Hi." "What are you doing out here?" "Oh, I was just, uh, at this recital, and Jerry put this PEZ dispenser on my leg, and I just started laughing." "Oh, Jerry's in there?" "Yeah." "I heard you guys broke up." "We did." "We did." "We're just hanging out." "Really?" "Boy, you really look great." "Oh, thank you." "[PIANO PLAYING]" "Hey, are you still friends with Richie Appel?" "Oh, Richie?" "He's been doing comedy in L.A. for a couple of years." "He just got back a month ago." "He's kind of messed up on drugs." "Ooh." "I don't know what to do for the guy." "Have you thought about an intervention?" "What's that?" "You get all his friends in a room, and they confront him to try to get him into rehab." "It's a very popular thing now." "Well, he'd never listen to anyone." "Oh." "Except, of course, Jerry." "He'd listen to Jerry." "Jerry would have to be involved." "He really respects Jerry." "I'm sorry, George." "I'm sorry." "What did you put the PEZ dispenser on her leg for in the first place?" "I don't know." "It was an impulse." "What kind of a sick impulse is that?" "How could I know she'd start to laugh?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I am." "Could we just go in already?" "What are we gonna tell her?" "I'll tell her I was the one who laughed." "No, don't say a word." "If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk." "Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later." "What about?" "Hey, hey, we're discussing something." "I know, but I'm distracted now." "What are you, a baby?" "All right, tell him." "When I was outside, I ran into John Mollica." "Really?" "John Mollica?" "Yeah." "The guy that used to, uh, bartend at the comedy club." "How's he doing?" "He's good." "Uh, could we cut to the chase?" ""Cut to the chase"?" "Yeah." "What are you, Joe Hollywood?" "A lot of people say it." "I would lose that." "What's that?" ""Lose that"?" "That's not a Hollywood expression." "Yes, it is." "Anyway..." "So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles, and he's really messed up on drugs." "So I told him he should do an intervention." "Really?" "An intervention?" "You know, you people, we got a situation over here!" "Yeah." "But he wants you to be a part of it." "Why me?" "He says Richie really respects you, and he would listen to you." "Boy, these things are really hard to load." "All right, okay." "All right, I'm going in." "We got..." "We got to talk about this." "All right." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "[MOANING]" "You were wonderful." "Wonderful." "Oh, no, no." "Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry." "Noel." "You play a hell of a piano." "Yeah, I was really moved." "Really moved." "Didn't you hear that person laughing?" "I couldn't play." "I was humiliated!" "I'm sure it wasn't at you." "Well, then what was she laughing at?" "PEZ?" "Uh, no, thank you." "Did you see her?" "Me?" "No, I..." "I..." "Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic, anyway." "I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant." "Well, you know, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg." "Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg," "Uh-huh." "she's still the one who laughed." "I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life." "Well, I'm sure she would apologize if she could." "Probably someone is holding her back, maybe against every fibre of her being." "Well, if she wants to continue to have a fibre of her being, she'll be very careful." "Don't hit me." "Stop it." "Stop it." "All right." "So, uh, you ready?" "We'll, uh..." "We'll go out, and we'll have a bite to eat." "I don't feel like it tonight." "Uh, we'll be outside." "Yeah." "It was nice meeting you." "Oh, mm-hm." "By the way, how do you, uh, warm up your fingers before you play?" "I just crack my knuckles." "GEORGE:" "Come on, we'll have a good time." "Well, I'm really not in the mood." "Ah, come on..." "I said, I don't feel like it." "Um, all right." "Uh..." "I'll, uh..." "I'll call you." "Uh, I'll call you, and, uh, we'll talk on the phone." "Have a telephone communiqué." "Um..." "So, fine." "Everything's fine." "Everything good?" "Good." "I feel good." "Fine." "That's fine." "That's good." "Okay." "Okey-doke." "[###]" "You know, I think Kramer might have been indirectly responsible for getting Richie involved in drugs in the first place." "What?" "How?" "A few years ago, the comedy club had a softball team." "Kramer was our first baseman." "Uh-huh." "You couldn't get anything by him." "He was unbelievable." "Yeah." "Anyway, this one game, we came back to win from, like, eight runs behind." "Mm-hm." "So Kramer says to Richie:" ""Why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head."" "The club owner." "Yeah." "So Richie goes ahead and does it." "So?" "What happened?" "What happened?" "The guy was, like, 67 years old." "It was freezing out." "He caught a cold, developed pneumonia, a month later, he was dead." "Shut up." "All the comedians were happy, because he's one of these club owners nobody liked anyway." "But Richie was never the same." "What about Kramer?" "He's the same." "JERRY:" "Are you sure you want me, John?" "I mean, I haven't spoken to Richie in two years." "I don't have a good apartment for an intervention." "The furniture, it's very nonconfrontational." "All right, all right." "Goodbye." "Remember Richie Appel?" "Oh, sure." "The guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?" "Right." "Well, John Mollica is organizing some kind of intervention for him." "We're having it here." "Can I get in on that?" "What do you think, it's like a poker game?" "Is Elaine going?" "Yeah." "Well, I knew him as well as she did." "Yeah, but John invited her." "So wait, what are you saying?" "You don't want me to intervene?" "No, intervene, go ahead." "Intervene all you want." "I'm just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah?" "GEORGE:" "It's George." "Come on up." "Stop smelling your arm!" "You know, I got a great idea for a cologne." "It's called "The Beach."" "You spray it on, and it's just like you came home from the beach." "Hmm." "A cologne that smells like the beach." "I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad idea." "Tell me about it." "Why don't you call Steve D'Giff." "He works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein." "In fact, he's a good friend of John Mollica and Richie, also." "Okay." "Well, it's over." "It's definitely over." "She broke up with you?" "No, but I can tell she's going to." "I can sense it." "We had this terrible phone conversation." "I was so nervous before I called, I made up this whole list of things to talk about." "What was on the list?" "Uh, let's see." "How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car." ""Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?"" "Yeah, Postum is underrated." "Anyway, there was all this tension." "I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner, and she said, " No, maybe we could get together for lunch."" "You know what that means." "What's wrong with lunch?" "Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner." "You don't go back to lunch." "It's like being demoted." "I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again, I know it." "I like the jumble." "You ever do the jumble?" "I have no power, don't you understand?" "I need hand!" "I have no hand!" "Why don't you break up with her." "What?" "You break up with her." "You reverse everything that way." "A pre-emptive breakup." "A pre-emptive breakup." "Mm-hm." "This is an incredible idea." "Yeah." "I got nothing to lose." "We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables!" "This is absolutely brilliant!" "So I'm afraid that I... am gonna have to break up with you." "You're breaking up with me?" "Yes." "I... am breaking up with you." "Wow." "Shocked?" "I really am." "Never expected this, did you?" "I thought everything was fine." "Well, live and learn." "Well, I don't understand." "You didn't enjoy being with me?" "Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzle?" "Kind of." "I'm very confused." "Well, I didn't mean to hurt you, kid." "I thought..." "Now, stop it, please." "What do you want?" "I know I can make you happy." "When..." "When you're playing the piano... do you think about me?" "Mm, I don't know." "This is what I'm talking about." "Okay, I'll think about you." "All the time?" "All the time?" "You know..." "Okay, all the time." "I can't hear you." "All the time!" "See?" "It's not so hard." "Go ahead." "Smell." "Smell it." "Yeah?" "So?" "Okay, now, you recognize it?" "I don't know." "The beach." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, I'm talking about the beach." "What about it?" "You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach?" "Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell." "Oh, yeah." "That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard." "Whoa, wait a minute." "You..." "Did you hear what I just said?" "You think people are gonna pay $80 a bottle to smell like, uh, dead fish and seaweed?" "Mm-hm." "That's why people take showers when they come home from the beach." "It's, uh, an objectionable, offensive odour." "So you don't think that it's a good idea?" "The, uh, membranes get dry, and it just starts bleeding." "Since I was a kid, so I have to stick a tissue up there." "Uh-huh." "You have to work like that?" "Yeah." "Nobody minds." "Nobody's ever said anything to me." "Are there any ice cubes?" "Uh, whatever's in the freezer." "I looked." "I don't see any ice cubes." "Well, then I guess there's no ice cubes." "I can't drink this." "It's warm." "Hey, John, shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?" "What's the plan?" "Do I have to talk?" "I don't feel like talking." "Well, if he's not gonna talk, then I don't wanna talk either." "No, we all have to talk!" "What's the order?" "We'll go in alphabetical order." "You're first, Roberta." "Why am I first?" "Albano's your last name." "That's not my name anymore." "I'm divorced." "I'll go first." "Oh, hey!" "Hey." "Is this the interference?" "Intervention." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?" "He can't stay." "This is for close friends only." "Hey, I'm a friend." "Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?" "Oh, let him stay." "Yeah." "Hey, you know, I got somebody to make up that cologne for me, bigmouth." "Somebody's going to make that crap?" "Kramer!" "Hey, hey, you guys!" "All right!" "Hey, come on in." "Hey, these are some of my Polar Bear buddies." "They can't stay." "You're having a party here?" "No, we're having an intervention." "An intervention?" "Who's intervening?" "He's a friend of ours on drugs, and we're going to confront him." "Oh, sure." "We used to do that when one of our Polar Bears stopped coming." "We'd go to his house:" ""What, you don't want to be a Polar Bear anymore?" "It's too cold for you?"" "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "It's him!" "What do we do?" "Hide!" "It's not a surprise party!" "Yeah?" "GEORGE:" "It's George." "Come on up." "It's not him." "ALL:" "Oh." "You don't wanna go out with me because I'm a bartender, right?" "Look, you know, I don't really think that this is appropriate right now." "Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?" "You're getting warm." "GEORGE:" "Hey, we just..." "We just came from, uh, Chadway's." "What's going on?" "We're having the intervention." "We're waiting for Richie." "Oh, right, right, the intervention." "Um, should we leave?" "Well, uh..." "Elaine, hi." "Oh, hi, Noel." "Well, you're looking well." "Jerry, let me tell you something." "A man without hand is not a man." "I've got so much hand, I'm coming out of my gloves." "I gotta thank Kramer." "Even if I were dragged through manure," "I still wouldn't put that stuff on." "This man is a genius!" "A genius!" "You think so?" "No, I don't think so, I know so." "Come here, come here." "I gotta talk to you." "The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch." "Only the female has it, so the male has pouch envy!" ""Why should she have this huge pouch and I have nothing?" "I have things to carry too." "At least..." "At least give me a pocket."" "[LAUGHING]" "[COUGHING]" "That laugh." "That's the laugh." "That's it!" "You're the one!" "No, no." "No, it was an accident." "But it wasn't my fault!" "It was Jerry!" "Jerry put a PEZ dispenser on my leg!" "You put a PEZ dispenser on her leg during my recital?" "I didn't know she would laugh." "And, you..." "You lied to me, George." "You lied to me!" "No, I..." "I didn't." "What...?" "How...?" "What...?" "What did I do?" "Where are you going?" "I am breaking up with you." "You can't break up with me." "I've got hand!" "And you're gonna need it." "Noel!" "Hey, Richie!" "Hey, Richie." "So, what's going on?" "So we start the intervention, and it's pretty ugly from the get-go." "He's not listening, he's hostile, he's talking back." "I can't do these puzzles." "So he starts to get up." "Suddenly, he spots the PEZ dispenser on the coffee table." "Oh, the PEZ dispenser." "He picks it up, he's staring at it." "It's like he's hypnotized by it." "Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid, he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them." "Well, they're hard to load." "Tell me something I don't know." "So as the father's trying to load it, he loses control of the car, crashes into a high school cafeteria." "Get out." "Nobody's hurt, but PEZ was all over the car." "And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition." "Poor kid." "So as he's telling the story, he starts crying." "Well, what did you do?" "What do you think?" "I gave him my PEZ dispenser." "Wow." "Two hours later, he checks into Smither's clinic." "Talked to the doctor yesterday." "He's doing great on the rehab, he's hooked on PEZ." "He's eating them like there's no tomorrow." "What's a three-letter word for candy?" "[###]" "I can't do those things." "Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy." "[###]" "It was almost like candy manufacturers were sitting in their laboratories, going:" ""I wonder if they'll eat this." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "This seems pretty tough to eat." "Let's market it as some sort of an experiment."" "But the concept of Jawbreakers..." "What was the concept?" "Multicoloured cement balls for a quarter?" "Was that the idea behind it?" ""Let's see if we can hurt them." "Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt."" "This is the idea behind Jawbreakers." "I did it, I ate them, I loved them." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." ""Oh, this is very painful." "I'm really hurting." "And this is hurting me a lot." "I love them."" "Subtitles by SDI Media" "See, to me, you go to the health club, you see all these people, and they're working out, and they're training, and they're getting in shape, but the strange thing is, nobody's really getting in shape for anything." "[###]" "The only reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the workout." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "So we're working out so that we'll be in shape for when we have to do our exercise." "This is the whole thing." "The other thing I don't get about it is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jockstraps." "What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes?" "I'll give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaurant because he's got a short red jacket." ""Yeah, he must be the valet guy." I don't even think about it." "But my stinking, putrefied gym clothes," "I got one of these..." "Got one of these locks, you could put a bullet through it, and it won't open." "That stuff is safe." "[###]" "Wide open!" "I was wide-open underneath." "I had three inches on that guy." "See, you two were hogging the ball." "Me?" "It wasn't me." "I never even saw the ball." "All you do is dribble." "I have to dribble." "If I give it to you, you just shoot." "You're a chucker." "Oh, I'm a chucker." "That's right." "Every time you get the ball, you shoot." "I can't believe you called me a chucker." "No way I'm a chucker!" "I do not chuck." "Never chuck!" "Never have chucked!" "Never will chuck!" "No chuck!" "You chuck." "Kramer, am I a chucker?" "Oh, you're a chucker." "My God, I'm a chucker." "All these years I've been chucking, you never told me?" "Well, it's not an easy thing to bring up." "Hey, you know this is the first time we ever saw each other naked?" "Believe me, I didn't see anything." "Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?" "No." "Did you?" "Yeah, I snuck a peek." "Why?" "Why not?" "I mean, what about you, George?" "Yeah, I... snuck a peek." "But it was so fast, I didn't see anything." "It was just a blur, you know?" "I made a conscious effort not to look." "There's certain information I just don't wanna have." "Okay..." "I gotta go meet Newman." "All right." "I'll see you later." "All right, see you." "Have a good one." "All right." "Yeah." "Look at this guy." "Does he have to stretch in here?" "You know who that is?" "Who?" "That's..." "That's Keith Hernandez." "Keith Hernandez, the baseball player?" "Yeah, that's him." "Are you sure?" "Positive." "Wow!" "Keith Hernandez!" "He's such a great player." "Yeah." "He's a real smart guy too." "He's a Civil War buff." "Oh, I'd love to be a Civil War buff." "What do you have to do to become a buff?" "So Biff wants to be a buff?" "Well, sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start." "[CHUCKLES]" "You know, I only got two weeks left of unemployment." "I gotta prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension." "Hey, should we say something to him?" "Oh, yeah, I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room." "Well, he could say hello to me." "I wouldn't mind." "He's Keith Hernandez." "You're Jerry Seinfeld." "So?" "What, are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez?" "The guy's a baseball player, Jerry, baseball!" "I know what he is." "I recognized him." "You didn't even notice him." "What, you're making some wisecracks in a nightclub?" "Ooh." "The guy was in game six, two runs down, two outs, facing elimination!" "HERNANDEZ:" "Excuse me." "I don't want to disturb you..." "I'm Keith Hernandez." "And I just want to tell you what a big fan I am." "I love your comedy." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "I've always wanted to do what you do." "Do what I do?" "!" "You're one of my favourite ballplayers of all time!" "Mine too." "I love that bit about Jimmy Olsen." "Really?" "Thank you." "You know, Keith, what I've always wondered is, with all these ball clubs flying around all season, wouldn't you think there'd be a plane crash?" "Are you performing anywhere in New York right now?" "Yeah, I perform at this club on the East Side." "You should come in." "Yeah, but think about it:" "26 teams, 162 games a season." "You would think eventually, an entire team would just get wiped out." "You know, I live on the East Side." "Tell you what, I'll give you my number." "Just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go." "Or maybe just get together for a cup of coffee." "Oh, that'd be great." "Well, it's only a matter of time." "Who's this chucker?" "[###]" "It's been three days, and he hasn't called." "Well, maybe you should call him." "I can't." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't know." "I just feel like he should call me." "What's the difference?" "You don't understand, Elaine." "I don't want to be overanxious." "If he wants to see me, he has my number." "He should call." "Augh." "God, look at this ashtray." "I hate cigarettes." "I can't stand these guys." "You give your number to them, and then they don't call." "Why do they do that?" "I'm sorry, honey." "I mean, I thought he liked me." "I really thought he liked me." "We were getting along." "He came over to me." "I didn't go over to him." "I know." "Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?" "I mean, here I meet this guy, this great guy, this ballplayer, best guy I ever met in my life." "Yeah." "I know." "Well, that's it." "I'm never giving my number out to another guy again." "You know, sometimes I've given my number out to guys, and it takes them a month to call." "Ha!" "Good." "Good." "Well, if he's calling in a month, he's got a prayer." "You know, maybe he's been busy." "Maybe he's been out of town." "Oh, what, they don't have phones out of town?" "I love how people say they're too busy. "Too busy."" "Pick up a phone!" "Takes two minutes." "How can you be too busy?" "Why don't you just go ahead and call him?" "I can't call here." "It's a coffee shop." "I mean, what am I gonna say to him?" "Just ask if he wants to get together." "For what, dinner?" "Dinner's good." "Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?" "Isn't that a...?" "Like, a turnoff?" "Jerry, he's a guy." "I know, but this is all very confusing." "When you're in your 30s, it's very hard to make a new friend." "Whatever the group is that you've got now, that's who you're going with." "You're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people." "You're not interested in any..." "Seeing any applications." "They don't know the places." "They don't know the foods." "They don't know the activities." "If I meet a guy at a club or a gym..." ""Hey, look, I'm sure you're a very nice person." "You seem to have a lot of potential." "We're just not hiring right now."" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Of course, when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody." "You remember when you were a little kid, what are the qualifications?" ""If someone's in front of my house now, that's my friend." "They're my friend." "That's it." "Are you a grownup?" "No?" "Great." "Come on in!" "Let's jump up and down on my bed!" And if you have anything in common at all:" ""You like cherry soda?" "I like cherry soda!" "We'll be best friends!"" "[###]" "You know, you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out." "Yes, and I was hoping, perhaps, to get a 13-week extension, if that's possible." "So where have you been looking for work?" "Well, you know what I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol?" "It's not so much the looking as the listening." "I listen for work." "And as I'm looking and listening..." "I'm also looking." "You cannot discount looking." "It's sort of a combination." "It's looking." "And listening." "Listening." "And looking." "But you must look." "Can you be specific about any of these companies?" "Specific." "Ah, let's see..." "I've walked in and out of so many buildings." "They all blend in together." "Well, just give me one name." "One name." "Absolutely." "Um..." "Let's see, there's, uh..." "Vandalay Industries." "I, uh, just saw them." "I got very close there." "Very close." "Yeah?" "What type of company is that?" "Latex." "Latex manufacturing, Mrs. Sokol." "Mm-hm." "And you interviewed there?" "Yes, for a sales position." "Latex salesman." "The, uh, selling of latex and latex-related products." "I..." "They just wouldn't give me a chance." "Damn it, I..." "Now, I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this, uh," "Vandalay company." "You like gum?" "Because I have a friend in the gum business." "I got a gum guy!" "I make one phone call, I have boxes of gum delivered right to your door." "The address?" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "[IN SPANISH ACCENT] The address is..." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Jose Jimenez." "You..." "Do you recognize that?" "No." "[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Jose Jimenez." "Very funny." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Really, he's very funny." "The address." "Uh, uh, Vandalay is, um, 129 West 81 st Street." "It's a very small industry, Vandalay." "It's one of the reasons I wanted to work for them." "A phone number." "That's, uh, KL5... 8383." "Are you planning on calling them soon?" "Because they have very strange hours." "As soon as I'm done with you." "Sure." "Well, um..." "You know what?" "I'll check in with you next week." "I gotta run now, because..." "Oh, yeah, I got a full plate this afternoon." "Okay." "All right." "Really good to..." "To, uh..." "He'll call you back!" "Well, it's a par five." "So, you know, I step up to the tee, and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway." "I mean, you know my hook, right?" "Elaine?" "How about this shirt?" "Is this okay?" "Jerry, he's a guy." "Well, it's a dogleg left, so I play the hook, right?" "Wait, hold on." "There's another call." "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "George?" "Kramer, put Jerry on the phone!" "Yeah, look," "I'm in the middle of something." "Call back." "Kramer, no...!" "So the ball takes off, and I'm waiting for it to turn." "Would you...?" "!" "All right." "Well, I'll talk to Jerry." "Yeah." "Hey, you know that was Michael and Carol?" "She's wondering when we're gonna come over and see the baby." "Oh, see the baby." "Again with the baby." "Who are they?" "Oh, he's this guy who used to live in the building." "They keep calling us to see the baby." ""You gotta see the baby." "When are you gonna see the baby?"" "Can't they just send us a tape?" "You know, maybe if you wait a few more months, it won't be a baby anymore." "Then you won't have to see it." "Uh-huh." "Because he'll be all grown-up." "Yeah..." "All right." "[LAUGHING]" "Hey, Kramer, what do you think of this shirt?" "Oh, it's too busy." "It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him." "You're not being yourself." "What guy?" "I know he's just a guy, but I really like him." "Who are you talking about?" "Uh, Keith, uh, Hernandez." "Keith Hernandez?" "Keith Hernandez!" "Do me a favour, would you?" "Would you change lanes?" "Would you get out of this lane?" "You gotta get out of this lane." "This lane stinks." "They're all double-parked." "Please, get out of this lane." "I'm begging you." "Please." "Please!" "You know what?" "Bad mistake." "My mistake." "Do me a favour." "Go back to the other lane." "Your lane was better." "Forget this lane." "You know what?" "This lane stinks." "Go back to your lane." "Go ahead." "Bad mistake." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Make this light!" "Make this light!" "Oh, man!" "[TIRES SCREECH]" "That's it!" "Get out!" "What do you mean, get out?" "Get out of the cab!" "What?" "I'm not getting out of this cab." "No!" "No!" "You cannot throw me out!" "No!" "Get..." "Hello, Newman." "I hate Keith Hernandez." "Hate him!" "I despise him." "Why?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why." "No, let me tell her." "No, you can't tell it..." "You always tell it." "All right, tell it." "You just tell it." "All right." "June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies." "We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right-field stands when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door to a five-run Phillies ninth." "Cost the Mets the game!" "Our day was ruined." "There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the players' parking lot." "Now, we're coming down the ramp." "Newman was in front of me." "Hernandez was coming toward us." "As he passes us, Newman turns and says, "Nice game, pretty boy."" "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Hernandez continued past us up the ramp." "Then, a second later, something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward." "What was it?" "He spit on us!" "And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"" "Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted off him, and it hit me." "Wow." "What a story." "Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account." "Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Ms. Benes, as I've heard this story a number of times." "Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me." "According to your story," "Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp." "Mm-hm." "Then you say you were struck on the right temple." "The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and the fourth rib." "The spit then came off the rib, made a right turn, hitting Newman in the right wrist," "causing him to drop his baseball cap." "The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses, in midair, mind you," "makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh." "That is one magic loogie." "Well, that's the way it happened." "What happened to your head when you got hit?" "Well, uh, my head went back, to the left." "Say that again." "Back and to the left." "Back and to the left." "Back and to the left." "To the left." "So, what are you saying?" "I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind." "That there had to have been a second spitter." "Behind the bushes, on the gravelly road." "If the spitter was behind you, as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward." "So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right." "But that's not what they would have you believe." "I'm leaving." "Jerry's a nut." "Wait, wait, wait." "The sad thing is, we may never know the real truth." "[COUGHING]" "Did anybody call here asking for Vandalay Industries?" "No, what happened to you?" "All right, listen closely:" "I was at the unemployment office, and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandalay Industries, and I gave them your phone number." "So when..." "Now, when the phone rings, you have to answer, "Vandalay Industries."" "I'm Vandalay Industries?" "Right." "What is that?" "You're in latex." "JERRY:" "Latex?" "Right." "And what do I do with latex?" "I don't know!" "You manufacture it!" "Right here in this little apartment?" "And what do I say about you?" "You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman." "I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?" "Right." "I don't think so." "Why would I do that?" "Because I asked you to." "If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it." "I've got enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah?" "HERNANDEZ:" "It's Keith." "All right, we're coming down." "Keith Hernandez?" "Yeah." "Come on, Elaine, let's go." "Where are you going?" "They're giving me a ride downtown." "You know, there had to have been a second spitter, but who was it?" "Who had the motive?" "That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years." "What the hell are you two talking about?" "[###]" "Ah, that was really fun." "Thanks." "Yeah, it really was." "JERRY:" "Should I shak e his hand?" "Well..." "Hey, you want to catch a movie this weekend?" "Have you seen JFK?" "No, I haven't." "This week end." "Wow!" "Sure." "That would be great." "Damn." "I was too overanxious." "He must have noticed that." "I mean, if you want to." "Well, how about this Friday?" "Yeah, Friday's okay." "Go ahead, shak e his hand." "I'm Jerry Seinfeld." "I've been on The Tonight Show." "Well, good night." "Good night." "Oh, Jer, uh, by the way, uh, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight..." "Elaine." "Yeah." "What's her story?" "Uh, I don't know." "We used to go out." "Would you mind if I gave her a call?" "For a date?" "Yeah." "Oh, no..." "Go ahead." "You got a pen?" "You sure you don't mind?" "[###]" "So then we went to dinner." "Who paid?" "We split it." "Split it." "Pretty good." "Yeah." "Did you talk about game six?" "No." "I gotta wait until it's just the right time." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah?" "ELAINE:" "It's Elaine." "Come on up." "So then what?" "Nothing." "Then he took me home." "Shake his hand?" "Yeah." "What kind of a shake does he have?" "Good shake." "Perfect shake." "Single pump, not too hard." "You know, didn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there." "So, uh, you're gonna see him again?" "He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night." "Wow, the weekend!" "So then, as I was getting out of the car..." "Hi!" "Oh, hi, Elaine." "Hi, Elaine." "So how was your date?" "What date?" "It's a guy." "So you know, uh..." "He called me." "Already?" "Keith called you?" "This guy really gets around." "Do you mind?" "No, I don't mind at all." "Why should I mind?" "What did he say?" "He asked me out for Saturday night." "Oh, you going?" "No." "I told him I was busy." "Oh, really?" "So we're going out Friday." "Friday?" "Yeah." "He's going out with you on Friday?" "Yeah?" "He's supposed to see me on Friday." "Oh." "I didn't know." "We made plans!" "Well, I..." "I'll cancel it." "No, don't cancel it." "Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it?" "Well, frankly, it is." "I've never seen you jealous before." "Well, you're not even a fan." "I was at game six." "You didn't even watch it." "Wait a second." "Wait a minute." "Are you jealous of him, or are you jealous of me?" "Any Hennigan's around here?" "[PHONE RINGS]" "Vandalay Industries." "Kell Varnsen speaking." "May we help you?" "Oh, hi, Keith." "No, I was just joking around." "No, no, I don't mind at all." "No, no, no." "I can cancel." "Sure." "We'll do something next week." "I can c..." "No, it's no problem at all." "Okay." "Take it easy." "Jerry..." "That was Keith." "We're gonna do something next week." "Hey, what are you doing Friday night?" "Friday night?" "Nothing." "Now." "Okay, you want to come with me and see the baby?" "Oh, fasten your seat belts." "We're going to see the baby." "Come on, if you don't see the baby now, you're never gonna see her." "All right, I'll go." "All right." "All right." "[PHONE RINGS]" "I'll get it." "Hello." "What-delay Industries?" "No!" "GEORGE:" "Vandalay!" "Say Vandalay!" "No." "No, you're way, way, way off!" "Well, yeah, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment." "What?" "No, say..." "Vandalay!" "Say..." "Vandalay Industries!" "Yeah, no problem, no problem." "How did you know who they wanted?" "!" "And you want to be my latex salesman." "[###]" "Just sign here, please." "I know who it was too." "It was the guy that interviewed me." "He was very threatened by me." "I mean, why else wouldn't he hire me?" "I could sell latex like that." "Just sign that." "Who is, uh, this?" "It's my daughter." "This is your daughter?" "My God!" "My God!" "I hope you don't mind my saying, she is breathtaking." "You think so?" "Would you take this picture away from me?" "Just take it away and get it out of here." "Take it away and put it away." "Let me just sign this and go." "You know, she doesn't even have a boyfriend." "Okay." "Okay." "Who do you think you're talking to?" "What are you...?" "You trying to make a joke, Mrs. Sokol?" "Because it's not funny." "I can tell you that." "I'm serious." "She doesn't." "You know, it's one thing to not give me the extension." "But to tease and to torture me like this, there's no call for that." "Would you like her phone number?" "Mrs. Sokol, I..." "I don't know what to say." "Where should I sign this thing?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Don't worry about it." "Oh..." "Unemployment, it's a tough thing." "Even if you get a job after you've been unemployed, they take unemployment out of your check every week and show it to you in that little box." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "How good can it be for your confidence that every paycheck you get has the word "unemployment" on it?" "You can't get it out of your mind!" "You just got the job!" "They're already getting ready for you to be laid off." "I have a friend who's unemployed." "He's collecting unemployment insurance." "This guy has never worked this hard in his life to keep this thing going." "He's down there every week waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs." "If they had any idea the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise." "I'm sure of it." "The guy is doing a tremendous job... not working." "So tell me more about this game six." "Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth." "Yeah." "We're one out away from losing the series." "[GASPS AND GROANS]" "[KRAMER COOING]" "Hello." "How are you?" "So, what do you think?" "Do you love her?" "Yes, I do love her." "You have a very nice place here." "So who do you think she looks like?" "Lyndon Johnson." "What?" "Lyndon Johnson?" "He's joking." "No, I'm not joking." "She looks like Lyndon Johnson." "Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to see the baby." "I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?"" "I was saying the same thing." "Let's take a picture." "Michael, get the camera." "Ah, you don't have to take a picture." "I don't know where it is." "It's in the bottom drawer of our dresser." "Hurry up!" "He's such an idiot." "Jerry, you want to pick her up?" "Ah, I better not." "I'll pick her up." "BABY:" "No!" "Thank you for a wonderful time, George." "Glad you enjoyed it." "I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time." "Billions and billions." "Would you like to come up?" "Would I like to come up?" "I would love to come up." "I'm..." "I'm fighting not to." "Fighting." "Unfortunately, I, uh, have to get an early start tomorrow." "Gotta get up and hit that pavement." "But it's Saturday." "All the offices are closed." "I got me an appointment with a hardware store." "I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me." "Wouldn't you love to make a key?" "Will you call me as soon as you get home?" "Tonight?" "Yes." "Will I call you when I get home?" "What do you think?" "You kill me." "You really kill me." "Well, good night." "It was an accident." "Right, Jerry?" "It was an accident." "[BABY CRYING]" "Oh, she's gonna be all right." "[IN BABY VOICE] Here, baby." "Here." "Here, baby." "Baby, baby, baby." "Who's the baby?" "I have a friend that's got a baby." ""Gotta see the baby." "You've got to come over and see the baby."" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather, do they?" ""You've got to see my grandfather." "You've got to see him." "He's so cute." "168 pounds, 4 ounces." "I love them when they're this age." "He's 1000 months." "You know, the mid-80s is such a good time for the grand-people." "The mid-80s, you gotta see them." "He went to the bathroom by himself today."" "You know what's tough about seeing people when they have a baby is that you have to match their level of enthusiasm." "You know what I mean?" "They're always so excited." ""What do you think of him?" "What do you think?"" "Just once, I would like to meet a couple that goes:" ""You know, we're not that happy with him, frankly." "I think we really made a big mistake." "We should have got an aquarium." "You want him?" "We don't even want him." "You want him?"" "Well, thanks for a nice evening." "This was really fun." "Yeah, it was." "KEITH:" "Gosh, should I kiss her good night?" "ELAINE:" "Is he going to try and kiss me?" "I love Cajun cooking." "Really?" "You know, my mom's one-quarter Cajun." "Oh, my father's half-drunk." "[LAUGHING]" "Maybe they should get together." "Go ahead." "Kiss her." "I'm a baseball player, damn it." "ELAINE:" "What's he waiting for?" "I thought he was a cool guy." "HERNANDEZ:" "Come on." "I won the MVP in '79." "I can do whatever I want to." "ELAINE:" "Well, this is getting awkward." "Well, good night." "Good night." "ELAINE:" "Who does this guy think he is?" "HERNANDEZ:" "I'm Keith Hernandez." "ELAINE:" "Ah..." "Who else?" "Um..." "Mookie." "Mookie was there." "You know him?" "Well, I don't know him." "I know who he is." "He's such a great guy." "You should meet him." "You know, he's the one who got that hit..." "I know." "He got the hit in game six!" "So..." "So then what happened?" "Nothing." "Then he took me home." "So did you two, uh... have, uh...?" "What?" "You know." "Milk?" "No." "Cookies?" "Did he kiss you good night?" "I don't know." "What do you mean, you don't know?" "All right." "He kissed me, okay?" "Well, what kind of a kiss?" "Was it a peck?" "Was it a kiss?" "Was it a long make-out thing?" "Between a peck and a make-out." "So you like him." "I don't understand." "Before, you were jealous of me." "Now you're jealous of him?" "Ah, I'm jealous of everybody." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Oh, hi." "What's happening?" "What?" "Oh, uh..." "Sure." "Um..." "Yeah, okay." "Then, uh..." "I'll see you then." "Yeah, yeah." "Okay." "Bye." "Who was that?" "That was Keith." "What's going on?" "He wants me to help him move." "Help him move?" "Move what?" "You know, furniture." "So, what did you say?" "I said, yes, but I don't feel right about it." "I mean, I hardly know the guy." "That's a big step in a male relationship." "The biggest." "That's like going all the way." "And you feel you're not really ready for..." "Well, we went out one time." "Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?" "Hey." "What's going on?" "Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move." "What?" "Well, you hardly know the guy." "What a nerve, huh?" "You see?" "Wasn't I right about this guy?" "Didn't I tell you?" "Oh, you're not gonna do it, are you?" "I said yes." "You said yes?" "!" "Don't you have any pride or self-respect?" "I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this?" "What are you gonna do?" "You gonna start driving him to the airport?" "I'm not driving him to the airport." "Oh, boy." "I don't know." "Hey, Kramer, do me a favour, would you?" "What?" "Don't mention it to anybody." "I wish you never mentioned it to me." "[###]" "I had a great time tonight, Carrie." "And I will call you as soon as I get home." "Don't bother." "Bother?" "Wait..." "What kind of bother?" "I would prefer it if you didn't." "Why?" "Is anything wrong?" "It's over, buddy." "Done." "Finished." "So long." "Goodbye." "Adios." "Sayonara." "Why?" "I've been thinking about it." "You got no job." "You got no prospects." "You're like Biff Loman." "I went to the hardware store interview." "You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails?" "I thought we were a team." "If I ever need a drill bit, I'll call you." "Carrie, could you do me a favour?" "Could you not mention this to your mother?" "You know, I..." "I hate to brag, but I did win 11 straight Gold Gloves." "I wouldn't have brought it up, but since you mentioned it." "Oh..." "I didn't mention it." "Well, I won them anyway." "Well, so what?" "I mean, you played first base." "I mean, they always put the worst player at first base." "That's where they put me, and I stunk." "Elaine, you don't know the first thing about first base." "Well, I know something about getting to first base, and I know you'll never be there." "The way I figure it, I've already been there." "And I plan on rounding second tonight at around 11:00." "Well, uh, I'd watch the third-base coach if I were you, because I don't think he's waving you in." "You know, I hate to say this, but I really think that we're hitting it off." "Get it?" "Get it?" "Clever." "What are you doing?" "What's that?" "You smoke?" "Yeah." "I didn't know you smoked." "Is that a problem?" "Uh... [###]" "She likes him." "I mean, she really likes him." "How do you know?" "Who wouldn't like him?" "I like him, and I'm a guy." "I suppose he's an attractive man." "Forget that." "He's a ballplayer." "MVP, 1979." "I'm making wisecracks in some nightclub." "This guy was in game six." "They're a perfect match." "They, like, go together." "They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike." "I hate those couples." "I could never be one of those couples." "There are no bald women around, you know." "You know, I know this sounds a little arrogant, but I never thought she'd find someone she liked better than me." "But, you know," "I guess I had my chance." "And that's that." "You know what I'd like to do?" "I'd really like to have sex with a tall woman." "I mean really tall, like a giant." "Like 6'5"." "Really?" "What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?" "I don't know, 6'3"." "Wow!" "God!" "See, this is all I think about:" "sleeping with a giant." "It's my life's ambition." "So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than, say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these type of people." "Magellan?" "You like Magellan?" "Oh, yeah." "My favourite explorer." "Around the world." "Come on." "Who do you like?" "I like de Soto." "De Soto?" "What did he do?" "He discovered the Mississippi." "Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway." "All right." "I gotta go down to the unemployment office." "You want to take a walk?" "No, I can't." "I got some stuff to do, and then I gotta meet Keith at my apartment at 3." "I'm helping him move." "What?" "The guy asked you to help him move?" "Wow!" "I know." "Isn't that something?" "He's got money." "Why doesn't he just pay a mover?" "I don't know." "He's got some valuable antiques." "He's worried they'll break something." "The next thing you know, he's gonna have you driving him to the airport." "I'm not driving him to the airport!" "[###]" "I gave." "I gave everything I could, Mrs. Sokol." "And nothing was good enough for her." "Sign here, please." "I don't know who she's looking for." "I don't know." "I'll tell you something, she's very particular, your daughter." "Very particular." "What, is she looking for some big hotshot businessman?" "Well, I've got my pride too." "I'm not gonna beg her." "All right." "Just sign it." "People are waiting." "You, uh, like baseball?" "That was autographed by the '86 Mets." "I saw every inning that year." "It's funny, because I happen to be very good friends with, uh," "Keith Hernandez." "You know Keith Hernandez." "Know him?" "Would you, uh, like to meet him?" "Oh, come on." "Come on." "I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour." "All right." "You got one hour." "All right, Mrs. S." "I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back." "129 West 81 st Street, and hurry." "Or not." "[###]" "You better bring your gloves." "It's freezing out there." "It shouldn't take too long." "I'd say maybe, oh, four hours." "Really, though, Jerry, there's not that much." "First, we got the bedroom." "We got two dressers and the bed." "Is there a box spring?" "What's that?" "Is there a box spring?" "Yeah, there's a box spring." "But it's attached to the headboard, and we'll have to, uh, take that apart." "Then we got the couch." "Is that a sectional?" "Yeah, 12 pieces." "A marble coffee table." "Is that a...?" "Is that a thick marble?" "Three inches thick." "Got it in Italy." "But the big problem is gonna be the convertible sofa." "See, when you move it, it tends to open up, so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs." "Stairs?" "There's no elevator?" "No, it's a brownstone." "Three floors." "I'm sorry, I can't do this." "What?" "I can't do it!" "I can't!" "It's too soon." "I don't know you." "I can't help you move, I'm sorry." "I can't!" "I just can't." "Hello." "Hello." "Oh, you don't remember me." "No." "Should I?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you should, because I certainly remember you." "Let me refresh your memory." "June 14th, 1987." "Mets-Phillies." "You made a big error." "Cost the Mets the game." "Then you're coming up the parking-lot ramp." "You said, "Nice game, pretty boy."" "Ah, you remember." "And then you spit on us." "Hey, I didn't spit at you." "Oh, yeah, right." "No, no." "Then who was it?" "Well, look, the way I remember it," "I was walking up the ramp." "I was upset about the game." "That's when you called me "pretty boy."" "Hey, that tick ed me off." "I was started to turn around to say something, and as I turned around," "I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes, over by that gravelly road." "Anyway, he was talking to someone, and they were pointing at you." "I tried to scream out, but it was too late." "It was already on its way." "I told you." "Wow." "It was McDowell." "JERRY:" "But why?" "Why McDowell?" "Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right-field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game." "He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head." "It was McDowell." "Oh, boy." "Look, uh, Keith, we're sorry." "Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier." "I, uh..." "Oh, guys, don't worry about it." "KRAMER:" "Okay." "Well, I guess, uh, I better get going." "Wait..." "Now, what are you doing?" "Well, I gotta move." "You want any help?" "I'd love some." "You sure?" "I'd love to help you move." "Yeah, me too!" "Okay, guys." "We got to be careful of one thing." "Some of the stuff is very fragile." "We're gonna have to handle it like a baby." "KRAMER:" "Hey, no sweat." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Oh, hi, Elaine." "What's going on?" "No, he just left." "You broke up with him?" "Me too!" "What happened?" "Oh, smoking." "You know, you're like going out with C. Everett Koop." "Me?" "No." "I couldn't go through with it." "I just didn't feel ready." "So, what are you doing now?" "Oh, great idea." "Okay." "I'll meet you there in, like, 30 minutes." "Okay, bye." "Keith!" "Keith!" "What happened?" "What happened?" "Where's Keith?" "You just missed him." "He just left." "What do you need him for?" "Keith!" "Keith!" "Up here!" "Look, could you do me a favour?" "I need you to go to the unemployment office with me!" "I..." "I'm Jerry's friend!" "The guy from the locker room!" "I'm the chucker!" "It'll take five minutes!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Well, Biff... what's next?" "I don't know." "Excuse me." "I was walking behind you, and you... dropped your wallet." "[###]" "When you're moving, your whole world becomes boxes." "That's all you think about, is boxes." "Where are there boxes?" "You just wander down the street, going in and out of stores." ""Are there boxes here?" "Have you seen any boxes?"" "I mean, it's all you think about." "You can't even talk to people, because you can't concentrate." ""Shut up!" "I'm looking for boxes!"" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Just after a while, you become, like, really into it." "You can smell them." "You walk into a store:" ""There's boxes here." "Don't tell me you don't have boxes." "Damn it!" "I can smell them!"" "You become, like, obsessed." ""I love the smell of cardboard in the morning."" "You could be at a funeral, everyone's mourning, crying around, and you're looking at the casket:" ""That's a nice box." "Does anybody know where that guy got that box?" "When he's done with it, you think I could get that?" "It's got some nice handles on it."" "And that's what death is, really." "It's the last big move of your life." "The hearse is like the van." "The pallbearers are your close friends." "The only ones you could really ask to help you with a big move like that." "And the casket is that great, perfect box you've been looking for your whole life." "The only problem is, once you find it, you're in it." "[###]" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"