"Subs by TG" "Monolith Films in Co-operation with Lightcraft" "presents" "Starring" "Beat it!" "Written by Based on her novel" "Battle ofthe Sexes;" "the War that Never Ends in Co-operation with" "Costume Designer Makeup" "Art Director Sound" "Editor" "Music" "Stop Depraving Women!" "Co-producers Producer" "Director of Photography" "Directed by" "How did it happen?" "How could I screw everything up?" "All I wanted was to survive before I stick my head in a gas oven." "BATTLE OF THE SEXES" "Recently I kept dreaming never having to hurry up." "Battle of the Sexes by Barbara Patrycka lt took me four years to write this book." "It was supposed to bring a sea change in my life... lt didn't." "Only rude awakenings are worse than answered prayers..." "The psychology of beauty is what interests our readers." "A psychologist, Barbara, put it to good use." "The psychology of beauty?" "Who cares?" "Christmas is coming!" "The psychology of December interests our readers!" "The competition is breathing down our neck, whereas you bore readers with the psychology of a month!" "But I've written about everything:" "the psychology of handbags, women's feet, bikinis, glasses, shopping, Christmas,... promotion... lf you've run out of ideas, I'll help you." "You're out ofwork." "So is he and she..." "Urgent vacancy;" "a charwoman under 40" "Sex in Place of Religion All lt Takes ls Belief by Marian Karski" "No, your book isn't selling." "Just sits on the shelf, see?" "If you put it in the window the people will see it." "No, that's reserved for bestsellers." " About the wanted ad..." " Sorry, not my department." "If you leave your personal details, I'll pass them on." " Just in case." " Thank you." "Last name?" " Patrycka." " Patrycka." " First name Barbara?" " Yes." "I've read a little of your book, you know?" " Really?" " Out of boredom..." " Education?" " College graduate." "So how do I know you can clean?" "Because I slaved for my husband for 20 years before he dumped me for someone younger." "Your Id, please." "I just thought that rather than write about that boring stuff, you should write... about less mundane things." "About sex..." "like him..." "What's this?" "You should be under 40." " l'm only a year over..." " A year?" "And it'll trigger... hypertension, tumors, thyroid, menopause, hot flushes, weepiness, and, consequently, leaves of absence, yes?" "Thank you." "Men aren't that complex." "Their age is immaterial." "Young, old, on short legs, with protruding bellies... look up the skirts of young girls." "They can write what they please, without causing scandals, whereas a woman ofa certain age must be respectable," "even in her fantasies." "Even if she had to die of starvation, she mustn't do what every male can." "Man's best friend is a dog." "And a girl's are diamonds." "And a woman's best friend is..." "A gay." "You know it's noon...?" "Doggie... I don't have to eat when I sleep." "Very economical." "Don't sleep and go look for work." "Work won't find you." "What's this mess?" "Why don't you clean up when you know I'm coming, huh?" " Hello." " My sweet little daughter." "Rather than alimony, herdad sent me a sewing machine." " Got something to eat?" " lt's good I'm on a diet." "It's 12:00." "Why aren't you in college?" "Twelve already?" "Why aren't you at work?" "One - nil..." "Here's the secret of success;" "To be happy that they all adore you rather than look for the one and only." "My friend Beba." " Beba..." " Babs... I don't have any money either." "Yesterday I bought a jacket, high heels, a scarf, a skirt..." "You know how much it cost?" "Now I won't buy anything until next month." "Well, maybe just a trifle..." "Come on." "You'll certainly buy something small." "God, can't we meet in cheaper places?" "No, darling." "A lack of cash won't make me change my lifestyle." "Chocolate Browning for 27 zlotys" "Courtesy of that gentleman." "Thank you." "I don't believe it." " How?" " What?" "How do you do it that in their eyes you still have sex appeal?" "You should sip life from a crystal glass rather than slurp from a tin mug." "You must jazz up your sex life." "My husband practices my sex tips with that shiksa ." " Why don't you find a lover?" " Aha." " Oh." " Or two." " Three." " Four." "Two from either side." "What a hoof..." " That reminds me..." " Nail polish remover..." " Let's go." "Exactly." "Cotton pads." "Cellulite lotion." "Cellulite lotion." "Cleansing milk..." " God, the poor doggie." " Slow, slow." "Come on, quick." "Who'll forbid the poor man to live the highlife ?" "Dad sent the alimony, so he's paying." "I sometimes feel like your daughter." " l'll take the dog." " Here." "What time are you back?" "Tomorrow, but quite early." "Aren't you going to spend the night at home?" " Mom..." " When I was your age..." "You were heavy with child, minus husband." " Whose brute is this?" " Mine. I'm sorry." "It should be on the leash, sweetheart, huh?" "All the fucking mayonnaise and vitamins." "Bad dog!" "It's hungry." "Here." "I can pay you..." "Fuck it." "How did it get this far?" "Doggie, don't be a pig." "What's for breakfast, sweetheart?" "Leave me alone." "Get out!" "I could do with some eggs." "I didn't leave my husband to make just any man scrambled eggs." "You can have coffee." "Sweetheart, there were fireworks last night." "This is the reason why a guy can stay till the morn;" "A compliment." " Thank you very much." " l'm grateful." " Good bye." " Good bye." " Once again." "Good bye." " Good bye." "is that the guy from the store?" "No, a salesman." "What was he selling?" "Bibles." "Why is your T-shirt inside out?" "One all!" "Out of generosity, Beba made me an appointment for a job interview." "To get a job, you can't look the way you do." "High heels, ribbons, and all that jazz." "But it's Licentious Ladies' Magazine." "What am I going to write there?" "About sex." "Do you still remember something?" "I was married for 20 years..." "But loyal, where as here it's incest, masturbation..." "You know what a wise man said?" ""The world is written with sperm."" "Remember the most important thing:" "The boss is fond of sushi." "And sashimi ." "Thanks, girls, really." " Bring us coffee, bitch." " Excuse me?" " Coffee." " Aha." "Good." "The CEO had me wait as long as it takes to make me certain who's the boss here." " How do I look?" " Flat." "I'm supposed to write, not walk the catwalk." "Darling, you're just stepping on the catwalk." "You must convince everyone that sex is your specialty." "You've written about sex before?" "Yes, at the Best Elegance Magazine forLadies," "But I wrote more about feelings, young and romantic as I was." "Okay." "So we have a pro, yes?" "We'll offer you a column." " For how much?" " 1 ,000 zlotys." "You're kidding?" "1 ,000 zlotys for a juicy, new column, that'll make your readers' glands pulsate till the end of the month?" "Or are you only interested in the missionary position?" "Okay. 2,000 zlotys." "Unless you're interested in something... extra." "I've got a job..." " Yes?" " ln Licentious Ladies' Magazine ." "Fan-fucking-tastic!" "Tell me what you'll write about." "Well... about sex." "Excuse me?" "I didn't hear you." "I'll write about sex." "You remember anything about it?" "I'll ask you about it." "All right, go now..." " ... and don't irritate me." "Bye." " l love you." "Bye." " Take your keys." " l will." "That skirt is way too short." "So I've clambered out of jobless hell but don't have a clue what to write about." "Why, sex as a subject has been completely exhausted." "Come on, come on." "Walk the walk." "We're going to have ourselves a ball." "Come on, come on." "Did you see yourself in the mirror?" "What?" "What's going on?" "Incredible." "I thought I'd get my act together on the floor." "I thought you do it only out of love." "Who said that love can't last one evening?" "God, how he's ogling you!" "Even waving his shirt." "Go to him, but don't tell him your age." "It can put anybody off." "Go, go..." "Stick your ass out." "Man, now everyone wants to dominate the bed..." "Fuck it!" "Oh, we have our first wreck!" "Mom?" "Wait a minute, I can't hear you..." "Mom, wait." "Julie darling." "When are you going to get home?" "I don't know." "I've just arrived." "Why?" "You can have an overnight if you want to." "Are you all right, Mom?" "Yes, I'm fine." "Darling have a good time." "Kisses." "Bye, bye..." "No way without this!" "I'm a big chocolate." "Come here baby!" "Stop it." "Nothing special to talk about." "Good." "As I was worried..." "A big blackman at night, when you can't see a thing." "He could've done something to you." "I was about to call you." "All those stories." "Where're we going?" "To eat like human beings." "Here it is." "Good." "I'm ready?" "In this outfit?" "Certainly not with me." "See?" "You look like the Old Town after the war." "The most convenient form of saving..." "Supposedly, it's very hard to be a model." "Yeah, right." "Let them try to be a 40-year-old intellectual who doesn't know what to write." "Have I stopped sending my signals?" "What to write?" "Everything about sex is so yesterday." "And that Karski with his book." "You've read it?" "is this because I walk with a stoop?" "If this goes on, I'll roll." "Come on or they'll eat everything." "Thank you very much..." "A line up at the trough..." "No, no, no, ladies and gentlemen." "The commissioner is more complex..." "The Lisbon Treaty assumes..." "Snob." "... that after 2014, 1 , 2 or 3 will sit on the committee, on a rotational basis." "What to write?" "About sex." "Describe your one-night stands." "Sex is the most important thing." "Really." "I'm awfully sorry." "I heard you talk about sex." "A mistake." "We're talking about literature." "My favorite subject." "Sorry for not introducing myself." "Krzysztof Snob." "Me Pe." "Kong to my friends." "Babs." "Lovers call me Patti." "The Tasmanian devil female grows a cartilage on herhead, by which the male pulls her into the burrow and latches on to it during coitus, which lasts until the female protests." "The male can go on ad infinitum." "My life motto is GTS:" "gym, tennis, and sex." "Sex is the most important." "Patti, you shouldn't waste such a talent!" "What?" "Father would always tell me..." "You must be good at something more than others." "It'll make you a career and money." "Come on." " Come on, once more!" " Dog!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "My lovely, beautiful dog." "You want a walk?" "Come on." "Let's go." "Excuse me, Do you have a smoke?" "Thank you." "You're welcome... child." "Jackie's a bad dog!" "Come on we're going now." "Julie, you're being unfair." "Mom, I'm very happy you're planning your life, but spare me the gory details." "Julie, firstly it's my apartment." "Oh, no." "Not yours it's my father's." "Hello." "Good bye." "Don't you come here too often?" "Three days before the deadline... I don't know what to write, I don't know what to write,...etc." "Since you don't know what to write, I'll help you." "No, I don't believe it..." "You let blackmen into your apartment, but are scared to enter an inspirational center." "You're crazy, I say." "You're crazy..." "Why, this is..." "Aha." "We have them with different voices..." "Let's leave." " How much?" " 380 zlotys." "Babs..." "She seems embarrassed." "Okay, bye." "Sex in Place of Religion" "Women are to be watched, not men." "And equal rights for women?" "Women, like men, have equal rights to watch naked women." "Men are a protected species." "Yeah, right..." "This may change, though." "To tell the truth, I've had enough of this patriarchy." "What's this for?" "My research for the column." "Come on." "All right." "Only for you, sweetheart." "Man Under the Magnifying Glass DOG in PANTS" "The Key Role ofthe Penis in Diagnosing Male Personality" "What you've written is very interesting." "But to what purpose?" "Our reader spends money on our magazine and must know what she pays for." "For years we've been advising her how to take care of herself in order to win him." "How to take care of him to make him stay." "How to take care of herself to win another when her ex leaves her." "And how to enjoy sex to the hilt with either of them." "But the practical message you've scribbled is not clear to me." "Sir, my discovery gives our readers a chance." "We hand them a hook to save on looking." "At a glance she knows at once if that's him without unnecessary searching that usually comes to nothing." "The corkscrew penis, for instance, leaves her with no illusions:" "This man will wriggle out of anything." "The gnarly penis is a man you can lean on." "Why, you've already read all about it." "I wonder what my member would tell you." "Oh no. I'd rather not cut corners getting to know some men." "I've recovered my sex life." "A relationship to last now." "My little turtle." "Wonderful." "I don't have to clean after all those..." "Those tufts of hair on the sheets. lt was awful." "Bart is so clean and he cleans by himself." "Really." "I see it and am beginning to really see all that." "He moved in yesterday." " What are you doing here, then?" " What?" "!" "Celebrating." "God, how fan-fucking-tastic he is." "So tender, delicate, nice smelling, well-groomed." "So big." "And his sense of humor." "We can turn over a new leaf and laugh at everything." "It's our specialty, after all." "Repeat." "What "our"?" "No longer "our"." "Now we means Bart and I." "And I and you are two different persons." "Licentious Ladies' Magazine Orgasm" "Hello." "Homebody, The Naked Truth." "Woodbines and Licentious..." " l can't hear you." " Licentious." " As usual, yes?" " Yes." "Here." "Thank you." "Gitanes Lights, please." "I repeat for the fifth time!" "I don't know and don't care what sashimi is!" "I said no fish!" "Out!" "What's going on for crying out loud?" "No connection with Hamburg for an hour?" "Sir, all the lines are busy..." "Sir, about that bitch Patrycka..." "What is it, Lady Sashimi ?" "Sir..." "You should see something..." "Ourmembers - our thing!" "Ourmembers - our thing!" "Barbara Patrycka's scandalous column has caused serious trouble." "We don't want our wives to watch penises." "At home in secrecy;" "it's another matter." "But not in the gutter press..." "The Polish Mother must stay innocent!" "Jesus..." "Hands off our penises!" " Hiya, Julie." " Aha." "Raszewski's gang." " Hi." " What, stupid?" "Nothing." " You look nice." " Gorgeous." "Wait." "Cool it." "You must help us." "Someone needs some friendly persuasion?" "Five blows and the problem's over and done with..." " We've taken your Mom's test." " What test?" "Psychological." "Judging by the dick." "Us guys don't know how to interpret it." "Take a look." "Ouch!" "Hey, the mag!" "This is Licentious..." "Thank you." "Good bye." "We, The Pure Polish Youth, the future of our Nation, are the last bastion of morality." "We stand against, Patrycka's moral decay." "The League ofPolish Divorcees will always guard Polish families." "And we won't let it go!" "Well, gentlemen?" "Proposals... anyone?" "Tonight you'll email all departments to the effect that you're an idiot and a perfect moron." "Any other ideas?" "Sir..." " Sir..." " What is it?" "I'm sorry." "The entire print-run has sold out..." "Then double it." "Well, gentlemen, why these long faces?" "It's good news." "Back to your desks and work your asses off." "He's a genius." "The additional printing was done in a flash, you see?" "She's come." "To your heart's content." "I can afford anything you fancy." " Ice?" " No ice." " Take something more." " All right." "Duck Carpaccio with truffle aroma," "Gazpacho of young beet greens with crab necks, veal steak grilled with Tartar of veg in thyme sauce and dumplings in lovage." "And a chocolate molehill for dessert." "Aren't you on a diet?" "Why should I starve on someone else's tab?" "And a flask..." "Supercalifragilistic, that is." "I could barely imagine you'd feed a man like me by writing such balderdash." "It's not balderdash, but scientific research." "Of course." "Supported by penetrating observations." " Of course." " And a very wise theory." "Of course!" " How well-hung are you?" " Excuse me?" "What's your penis size?" "I'd rather..." "You'll see..." "Here." "Thank you for turning on your cell at last." "I've just paid my phone bill." "Have you read it?" " The whole of Poland has." " Exaggerating, huh?" "Had you sought my advice, I'd have put it out of your head." "Didn't you tell me to write about sex?" "But not the way you have." " She hung up on me." " A shmatte , she is." "It turns out I'm an intelligent introvert, fond of luxury, loath to commit himself." "I fully agree." "Darling, I knew it without your theory." "God, how will I face myself in the mirror?" "I'm so tired, Julie..." "Whereas I feel fan-fucking-tastic." "Every moron in college is getting me to grope him!" "Am I proud of you?" "!" " l finally make money." " A woman of success, fuck it!" "Don't say that around me." "Everyone laughs at me." "Get it?" "They'll stop once I make a fortune." "You mean to continue doing this?" "Yes, but you'll never be embarrassed of me. I promise." "Where did you get the photos of... their parts?" "From the office. I had to make a "psychological analysis."" "Fine." "Next time an analysis of the consequences will do." "Such a shame." "You shamed the whole family." "Hi, Mom." " How could you do this to us?" " l didn't think you'd read such rags." "Don't try to get out of it." "You want to drive Father to an early grave?" "Stefan, tell her something!" " What should I say?" " Nothing!" "How could you do it to us?" "That's what Fathersays too." "Bye, Mom." "Patti, a superb, really wonderful article." "Come on, I couldn't restrain myself." "In contrast to my scientific discoveries," "Barbara's hypotheses have nothing to do with reality." "To put it mildly, this is a load ofrubbish with, I'm sure, no basis in fact." "Good evening... madam." "Good evening... sir." "Go now." "Go." "Be seeing you..." "One moment." "Ciao doggie." "Hasta la vista , baby." "Do you think we should considerMs." "Patrycka a doctor?" "You must be kidding." "I'd rathercall her a quack fortuneteller." "Thank you very much." "I've always been a good girl." "Naturally, I'd grown into a Polish Mother before I caught on to otherpossibilities." "People, let me earn my living by writing about love." "I haven't done anything wrong, afterall..." "All right. I felt shamed I really did." "... about flies in public!" "The Destroyerofthe Polish Family." "My backpack?" "May I have my backpack, please?" "Thank you." "Naked Truth about Patrycka" "Babs!" "Babs!" "Come on, come on..." "Good you're here." "Cool it, sweetheart." "Everything's gonna be okay." "I've come to congratulate you." "The photos of the dicks came out super." "The article was great." "I learned a lot about myself." "Come on." "I've brought you shopping, since I thought you wouldn't go out." "I look as if I were fat, old, ugly, and drunk to boot." " What?" " Drunk!" "Pe, however, looks like a young god." "In a little while, nobody is gonna remember it." "What a mess!" "And they've made him my lover." "And me a procuress, the owner of a whorehouse." "Tabloid" "Here:" "Every night one ofthem has the duty to keep hercompany." "Why one?" "God, I'll kill myself." "I'm no more." "Oh, Beba." "Hi." "You're alive?" "I thoughtyou'd committed suicide." "I made a bet with Pe on that." "What else can a woman do in yourplight?" "I don't know?" "Survive with the support of my friends?" "Count me out." "You should have asked me formy advice." "But what..." "God, it's good Julie can't see this." "Here I look like a beached whale." "God, I'll kill myself." "What have we got here?" "Good friends, hard talks..." " Hello." " Hello." "I may walk the dog..." "Wait, what was that?" ""You'll never be ashamed of me, I promise."" "Bravo, Mom!" "Really." "I walked holding my head high today." "Did you see that site?" "No?" "You'll regret it," "Since you look like a beached whale." "Bravo, I mean it, bravo!" "Excuse me." "The boss is waiting for you." "He radiated self-confidence, self-satisfaction and determination." "Babs..." "Looked like a guy whose dong was way larger than it is." "Come here." "Take a look down there." "I got a new BMW Z4 and a bonus I won't mention." "I launched a hypothesis that the value ofthe car modifies the relation between the size ofthe member and some personality traits ofits owner." "I have good news for you too." "Follow me." "The readers want you to analyze the personalities of their partners." "And now listen carefully:" "Instead of one column, you'll have four centerfolds, a column plus "dicks of the month"." "You'll be earning till you retire." "And now people are living longer, too. I was kidding." "Well, I laughed." "Have a nice time reading." "I could classify each photo according to the eight categories the readers already knew." "I had thousands ofphotos but nothing to add." "My column, a breakthrough like Copernicus's oeuvre, which also took very long to be appreciated, turned out to be pithy and exhausting, which preempted further possibilities to earn a living." "I was in despair." "Mom, have you gone mad?" "That's what I'm afraid of, my girl." " ls this mine?" " l don't know." "I may be treating the matter too subtly." "Have you walked the dog?" "Tell me what you can read in this?" "Sorry, I'm not into looking at other guys' members." "Just look." "Morose - a skeptical disposition." "Straight when erect signifies a simpleton." "Bent means melancholic." "The side it leans to speaks volumes of political leanings." "And testes, scrotum, member, etc.,... all build up the image of a man." "They all signify something." "Let's go." "Sir, I know everything!" "No questionnaire reaches as deeply as my researching eye." "The photos sent by the readers are not sufficient." "One photo is like another." "I must check everything with my other senses!" "To make sure my hypotheses cannot be questioned!" "Barbara, you always make things so difficult." "And for so much money!" "Sir, I wouldn't bother you for peanuts." "What costs do you mean?" "Arkadiusz Kozuch?" "Didn't I tell you I'd be the first?" "Hello." "Behind the screen." "Undress from the waist down." "Right away?" "I love you Arcady..." "Behind the screen." "May I assist?" "The boss would like to have detailed data... lt's doctor-patient privilege." "All right." "First the preliminary measurements and a few photos." "Camera." "Thank you." "Aha." "Hello." "Behind the screen." "Undress from the waist down." "Right away?" "I love you Arcady..." "Behind the screen." "May I assist?" "The boss would like to have detailed data... lt's doctor-patient privilege." "All right." "First the preliminary measurements and a few photos." "Camera." "Thank you." "Aha." "Length of penis at rest: 4.9 cm, diameter: 2.1 cm." " Allow me to excite it." " My pleasure." "The length of the penis when erect: 13.2 cm." "Extravert, lQ of 98, jealous, soccer fan, above average neurotic disturbance, limited sense of humor, impulsive, unsure of his masculinity, mother-obsessed, possessive, aggressive, mistrustful, suspicious, and a tad paranoid." "Thank you." "You can get dressed." "Ewa." "Thank you." "Good bye." "Follow me." "Thank you." " Don't push, please!" " Jacek Kuprjaniuk." "Jacek Kuprjaniuk!" "Mr. Jacek Kuprjaniuk, yes?" "Undress behind the screen, from the waist down." "No, no." "Sit down and fill out the psychological tests." "Start with the exercise to complete the sentences." "Did you see that bitch?" "Bitch." " Sir, mission accomplished!" " Have you sent your copy?" "Readers are asking about the future of the relationship," " but the forecast is not very auspicious." " Barbara..." "Thank you." "Most often 2 years later, the guy ends up a couch potato with a six-pack, glued to the box." "In the worst case scenario, he'll drink and hit you." "At best, he'll remain interesting even after the wedding," "but then he'll cheat and dump you for someone younger." "Enough already." "Not a word about forecasts!" "Hi." "A dinner for you." "Superb noodles." "You have no time to eat, so here you are." "Thanks a lot." "What's the occasion?" " A small one." "Wine?" " With pleasure." "Try the olives." "Well, what's the occasion?" "I've fallen in love." "So what's the name of this new dreamboat?" "Michal." "He's just sensational." "The only one who doesn't judge me by my mother." "Darling, at first they're all fantastic and brilliant." "And next they choose someone younger, or the couch." "There's no third option." "To you they must all be like Father?" "But Julie, I'm an expert." "You know what?" "Enjoy!" "Licentious..." "Barbara Patrycka Polish Penises in her Hands" "The first Penis Clinic has opened outside Warsaw." "Notorious forhercolumn in Licentious Ladies' Magazine" "Barbara Patrycka forges her theory into practice ofthe key role ofthe penis in diagnosing the male personality, which, as we see, is incrediblypopular." "Patients sometimes come days in advance." "We are already fully booked for two years." "To maintain hygiene, there are only 20 appointments a day." "I've come from Peoria and been waiting 2 days." "She's just arrived." "Follow me." "None ofthe former division into groups and subgroups." "Even identical twins have quite different private parts." "Every penis is different." "Men have stopped being a mystery." "Why does Ewa get interviewed instead of me?" "Why don't you have the regulation hairstyle?" "Romek, we can start." "Mr. Marcin Wilczynski." "Hello." "Don't be nervous." "Get undressed, please." "Penis Clinic." "This is Lena Walczak..." "Unfortunately, the doctor has appointments booked for the whole month." "Excuse me?" "Aha." "Good, I'll call the doctor at once." "A moment, please." "Doctor!" "Right away." "Doctor." "I told you not to disturb me." "Doctor?" "Why?" "Everybody calls you that." "Should I explain that you're a psychologist?" "A female shrink." "Gender is important." "A very important person from TV." "Yes?" "..." "Yes." "Excuse me." "The patient can get dressed now." "Yes, yes." "This is Barbara Patrycka." "Why tarting yourself up?" "Going to a party or what?" "A meeting with a very important TV person." "They want to use my talent." " You'll grope on camera?" " Don't be vulgar, please." "How do I look?" "I should get thinner here and there, yes?" "I'm moving out." "Excuse me?" "I'm moving out." "His name is Michal." "Just to remind you." "I'm moving in with him." "Wait..." "Julie." "You should've told me before." " Why, I have no time now." " Exactly." "You're busy And I've reached legal age." "Nothing wrong about it." "We'll ask you over once we get our act together." "As of now it's a total mess over there." " Don't you think you should meet him?" " That's right." " Bye, then." " Bye." "Public House Television Centre" "We've been watching your career for some time." "And your accomplishments impress us immensely." "So we've decided that not only the chosen ones in your clinic, but millions of viewers should have" "an opportunity to admire your work." "I don't mean a moronic talk show, but a completely new event on a global scale." "An unusual anchor, with you as the lead will be run by the most famous anchorman of all, an artificially-bred hybrid of the two most strapping emcees" " Ormel!" "Bravo." "You'll be a star, doing research on camera," "foreign stations will buy franchises from us and I... I will... shine!" "Here's a luncheon voucher." "Don't lose it, or you'll go hungry..." "Valid today." "Thank you." "I've read that you batter your wife because you're gay." "Cheap rumors... I batter my wife because my job is stressful." "Come on, come on." "Since women took over the most prestigious positions in TV, the sexual preferences of the best adjusted anchors" "have naturally had to change." "My bisexuality guarantees me access to the most lucrative contracts." " l've never been on camera..." " We must work on your image." "Since I've gotten money, I'm quite satisfied looking in the mirror." "But the viewers must be satisfied watching you." "It's TV, Babs." "Not her." "Soon they'll have us embalming corpses!" "Look at what they've sent us." "You can tell at a glance that it's not for her looks." "She must be an expert." " On what?" " Men." "Don't you know that at your age, you shouldn't push your way through to camera." "Too many years, kilos..." "Krysia, come take a look." "How can I make miracles on this money?" "This calls for a surgeon." "You know who we deal with?" "You look like an ugly man in their shadow." "Haven't you thought about lifting?" "It's worth investing if it's a cycle." "Have you always had bags under your eyes?" "Haven't you ever thought of artificial nails?" "We can't do everything for you." "Jadzia, call upstairs." "What am I to do with her?" "She'll anchor with Ormel?" "Are they out of their minds?" "We have so many presentable anchorwomen..." "Excuse me?" "Yes." "Of course." "We'll do what we can." "But not much can be done." "Would that they don't regret it... lfl were a man, mypenis would shrink now..." "Am I to stand in this shitty staircase?" "Babs!" "Babs!" "Babs!" "What?" "I've brought shopping!" "You might not have time to eat!" "Abstaining from food is great for me!" "How about walking the dog?" "..." "Bart, come on, it's about to start!" "Bart!" "Coming, teddy bear!" "Whose Dick ls lt Anyway?" "!" "Welcome to a brand new show about Polish penises." "This is what Polish men are really like." "And nobody knows better than HER!" "Introducing BARBARA PATRYCKA!" "Bravo!" "Good evening, Ladies and gentlemen." "She looks sixteen!" "Our first subject comes from Walbrzych." "Will the captain of the family team choose the categories for the first round?" "The categories are social life, music," "cuisine , or MOTORS ." "Your choice?" " We pick social life." " Bravo!" "is our subject a grouch or the life of the party?" "Time to start!" "Stop!" "Babs, put your hand in the Window of Truth." "We'll soon see how much the wife knows!" "The life of the party, but... a grouchy couch potato at home." "Bravo!" "Let's check whose answers were wrong?" "The wife's and mother-in-law's." "Bravo!" "Next question:" "is he A:" "friendly and obliging," "or B: self-centered?" "Your choice." "Tell us the answer, Babs." "Obliging and friendly, outside the home, of course." "And a real bastard at home." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Time to meet our subject." "Wojciech Niewierzejski!" "I love you all!" "Barbara..." "Babs and I were in the same class..." "We even shared a desk." "That's what it was." "Since I took part in the program my life's undergone a sea change." "Hi." "Hi." "I've filed for divorce." "Mother backs my decision." " Where are you from?" " Warsaw." "Me too, now!" "Whose Dick ls ltAnyway?" "!" "The program has topped all the ratings." "They decided to air it every day." "Like those cheap soap operas used to, now I emptied the streets ofPolish towns and villages." "The nation went crazy." "Ormel shone." "And I became a star." "Patrycka, slave overa hot stove Hands offthe penises" "Bart, it's ready." "That's all the funfor tonight!" "That was the 100th edition ofthe show!" "See you soon!" "Thank you very much..." "Thank you..." "At 10:15 pm an interview for Top Elegance Ladies' Magazine..." "Can't I bring my own shoes?" "I must walk these damn stairs in high heels?" "!" "At 1 1 :13 pm a meeting with the Chair of the Psychological Gynecology Union," "12:10 am a diva banquet, at 7:30 am off to Pultusk to open a day care centre." " Cancel it." " Excuse me?" "Cancel all those!" "Excuse me, who are you?" "I clean here." "The lady's out, working." "You want to leave a message?" "I wanted to see my mom." "I wonder if..." "You're so much like Babs." "Come on in." "Beautiful dog..." "So lovely." "Come to your mistress." "Rememberabout the dinnerFriday." "I love you in spite ofit all." "You know what time it is?" "When should I come?" "You're always away." "You may stay, but dressed... I wonder what use a gynecologist is to his wife?" "I can't look at a penis afterhours." "My sex drive is less than zero." "Dear ladies, this female Viagra is no use at all..." " How about an increased dose?" " Medical ethics say no..." "How much, then?" "There's still a way, but it's very risky." "What?" "The basic gonadotropic- releasing hormone of the androgens." " ln Polish?" " Testosterone!" "Much more potent than female sex hormones." "Gives you such an incredible kick..." "Please..." "You stupid bitch..." "You want me to beat the shit out of you, creep?" " Please..." " Get undressed." "What the hell is the matter with you?" "I'm not a machine to fuck and walk the dog!" " Come here, I said!" " l'm not going anywhere." " That's your job." " Why do I come here?" "You don't know me at all!" "You know about dicks, not people." "Get out!" "Can you?" " Hi, Mommy." " Hi, darling." " Will you come to dinner?" " l'd forgotten..." " You were to meet Michal." " l won't make it tonight for sure." "I see..." "Wait, the glasses." "Take the patient away." "Who's next?" "Faster." "Excuse me." "Hello. I'd..." "Get out." "It's an examination." "For a moment." "To see my mom." "You must come later..." " Mom?" "Mom?" " What?" "!" " Jesus, what are you doing?" " Working, dammit!" "Your mother is sick." "Thank you." " That was Michal." " Michal who?" "Next question now!" "For the Acquaintances Team." "How does the subject treat his wife?" "is he macho or hen-pecked?" "Time to start." "Stop." "I can't wait!" "The sight of this woman provides the answer, right?" "Let's make sure." "Get out!" "It looks macho." "Let's check for certain." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Go to commercial!" "Barbara Patrycka's scandalous show has upset many social groups." "For 'Why Talk?" "' Martyna Kmiec." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a cancer..." "The National Broadcasting Council will finish us." "This is your end, Babs." "First yours and then mine." "I'm awfully sorry, Your Highness." "Can I do something for you?" "Are they taking us off the air?" "Yes." "Moved from 8:00 pm to 10:30 pm!" "Lately, I've only seen you on TV." "Why, I can't talk to the screen." "You are so beautiful..." "Stop it." "Stop this nonsense." "Hush... hush..." "Why are we here?" "You're very confused." "Very much so." "You've become that which you've always wanted to fight." " You used to write about it, remember?" " Beba, it was in another life..." "Just a few months ago." "You don't get it, do you?" "I've made the big time." "Everything." "I've begun a sexual revolution..." "You've achieved everything by sleeping around." "At the cost of your friends, your daughter, who needs you very badly now, as never before." "Stop it!" "What do you know about it?" "I was your age once." "You will be mine shortly." "Have you been here, Beba?" "At every turning point in life." "Mom!" "Mom!" "Julie?" "Julie, Julie!" "What's up?" "How dare you?" "With my daughter?" "With our daughter!" "She's living with me." "She had no one to turn to when her fianc kicked her out." "Because of mommy, of course!" "Do you know she's been expelled from college?" "Because of you!" "And where have you been?" "You're Father of the Year now?" "After you left me for a girlfriend from her class!" "So I'm the bastard now?" "Ask her how she feels when her mother sleeps around?" "Of course, it helps her when you badmouth me to everyone..." "Julie!" "Interesting why she's run away from you... I thought that only rude awakenings are worse than answeredprayers." "Julie!" "I'll leave you two alone for some time." "Why did they expel you from school?" "For missing classes..." "When I walked up..." "every guy would open his fly." "I know I've been stupid..." "Right?" "Yeah..." "You really thought I'd jump?" "I was very scared." "You're stupid." "I've come full circle." "Back to square one." "But my bank account is full." "Have you read the contract?" "Here in the small print..." ""... a penalty for breaking the contract..."" "That's what's written in it?" "So much for my full bank account." "She's history." "Heroin has done it." "Patrycka has aids" "Riots in Warsaw" "The nation has been gripped by a wave ofprotests because Barbara Patrycka's show has been canceled." "President Marcin Wolski" "My countrymen, in light of the unexpected crisis, I appeal for unity." "I can assure you that we will do ourbest to return to normal as soon as we can." "You know the adage;" "Nature abhors vacuum." "What made you throw away such a brilliant career?" "During my research, I discovered a phenomenon which I tentatively called the Second Law oflnterpersonal Optics..." "Babs, please, stop blathering." "Your pseudo-psychological clichs just confuse the population." "Let's not have her brainwash us." "A man is not an appendage to a penis." "What do you know about it?" "You were speaking about the law..." "The Second Law of interpersonal Optics." "Testosterone blinds you." "Honestly, men do not see our cellulite, rolls of fat, sagging breasts, extended belly, or whatever else a woman has to hide." "Dear ladies, throw the quilts aside and make love to your men by... candlelight." "Not full lighting, though." "They're not moles..." "You won't give up sex?" "No, of course, not." "But extramarital sex is out of the question." "I can't waste my libido." "Forget it." "In this country, a woman your age has the same chance of getting a husband, as me..." "God, I just can't find myself after all that." "It's really hard on me." "You know what I miss the most?" "Nice smelling socks under your pillow?" "No." "Our conversations." "Ours, mine and his..." "Rubbish." "I've coined anotherlaw ofinterpersonal optics." "I rememberit from high school." ""Ifa woman looks starry-eyed at herman, the more she loves him the more he appears more beautiful and intelligent to her."" "So, you thought it was going to be a porn movie, but it's ended up a damn tear-jerker." "I don't know, everything's going to the dogs..." "Cast of Characters" "Subtitles by Jerzy Siemasz"