"(SINGING) The Simpsons" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "D'oh!" "(SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING)" "Let's see..." "I'll have 16 Gravy Scrape 'Ems, a bucket of Twisty Lard, and two Super Choker Breakfast Burritos with macho sauce." "And mega-size it, please." "SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN:" "I could also deep-fry the bag." "Great." "And I'll have a Diet Coke deep-fried." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Need more lap." "(GULPING)" "OTTO:" "Whoa!" "I can't see!" "I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch!" "(TIRES SCREECHING) Oh!" "Why don't I just pull over?" "MAN:" "Hey!" "Can't stop." "Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal!" "Hey-hey!" "Hey-hey!" "Hey-hey!" "AUTOMATED VOICE: intruder detected." "Calling local police." "(DIALING)" "Line busy, shutting down." "Mr. Burns, the Department of Nuclear Security is very impressed with your plant." "Yes." "We're well protected against every threat, from bomb-toting Bolsheviks to golden-armed jazzbos." "(THUDDING)" "HOMER:" "Oh, no!" "I hit the grief counselor!" "Promise me you'll report this." "Consider yourself fired!" "I had a car!" "Mom, can we go into this bookstore?" "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?" "Well, I could use a muffin." "(MARGE HUMMING)" "I'm gonna go up to the fourth floor where the books are." "I'm gonna taunt the PhD's." "Hey, guys." "I heard an assistant professorship just opened up." "(ALL GASPING) Oh, yeah?" "At the University of..." "Psych!" "Oh." "(LAUGHING)" "(GASPING)" "Esme Delacroix?" "She wrote To Kiss a Scoundrel." ""And they tumbled to the heather,"" ""breeches to bustle, crinoline to burlap,"" ""their mansion in ashes, their passion aflame."" "End of Chapter 1." "Yeah, when it happens in a book, it's romantic." "But when Willie tries to kiss ya, you're all pepper spray and fingernails." "(CLEARS THROAT) Marge Simpson, long-time reader, first-time stander-upper." "Did you have any special training to become a writer?" "(SCOFFS) Just a class at the Y. Yale University." "But anyone with passion can write." "Anyone?" "If I write a book, will they tell me when it comes out?" "Well, they should, yes." "Then I'll do it!" "I gotta get a job before Marge finds out I was fired." "That's it!" "I'll steal the sign and they'll pay me to make them a new one!" "I'll show you what we do with scammers like you." "Okay, here's how it goes." "Buyers never tell you what they're willing to spend." "And when they talk privately, we spy on them through this one-way mirror." "We'll clean out those stupid Americans." "(CHUCKLING)" "You'll probably want to talk this over so I'll leave you two "alone."" "(CHUCKLING EVILLY)" "Excuse me." "Well, honey, what do you think?" "Did that salesman cut one during the test drive?" "Yeah." "And for some reason he turned on the radio to cover up the smell." "Let's get out of here." "I'm not shaking that guy's hand." "They'll be back." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(MOANS)" "He was my best friend." "Hmm." "Cool." "An ambulance from the '60s." "I bet a lot of hippies were denied care in this thing." "(LAUGHING) injured hippies." "No, we'll never sell this thing." "The brakes are shot, the engine's rusted." "The only thing that works is the siren." "(BLARING)" "(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Buy me!" "Buy me!" "Buy me!" "Buy me!" "I'll do it!" "Do what?" "(SIREN BLARING)" "Guess what?" "I quit my job as a used car salesman." "You work at the Nuclear Plant." "Get with the program, Marge." "Your husband is now an ambulance driver." "Don't you need training for that?" "Maybe on Planet ZooZoo." "Hey, I think it's cool." "I can defibrillate Lisa!" "Not if I pump your heart full of morphine first!" "Kids, kids." "Those aren't your toys." "They're to keep Daddy asleep and awake." "I'm gonna need them on my first shift tonight." "Tonight?" "But I was hoping you could watch the kids while I work on my novel." "Slow down, Picasso." "You were gonna start a novel without informing me?" "Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!" "I also fed some ducklings." "I know." "I got your message." "Fine, fine." "I'll take the kids tonight and you go to your precious hair appointment." "I'm writing a novel!" "Whatever." "But I think you look great already." "Thank you." "What should I write about?" "That painting has always sparked my imagination." "That's it!" "A novel about whaling!" "That's something you haven't seen before." "Thank you, Scene From Moby-Dick." ""Chapter 1, starts and beginnings."" ""'Swim, swim, swim, ' thought the whale, flapping his flappers."" "Brownie break!" ""Mayor Quimby, Disco Stu,"" ""and our fighting men and women overseas."" "Well, I've finished the thank you's." "Time to go back to the novel." "Temperance Barrows stared at the sea, like a dog stares at a ham." "Oh, I just finished my first paragraph." "Spell-check!" "Perfect." "Now let's see if lightning strikes twice." "Where to, Mac?" "For the third time, the hospital." "You're an ambulance, not a taxi." "Hospital, eh?" "Wow!" "Everyone's going there tonight." "(SIREN WAILING)" "Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes." "Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?" "Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?" "MARGE: "For Temperance, the days passed on"," ""as did seven of her 10 children."" "When will father return from his whaling voyage?" "This family has not seen whale meat for a one month." "Bartaby, Leezakiah, we must be grateful for what we have." "Family, the good Lord has blessed my voyage." "Behold his bounty." "And for you, good wife," "Virginia's miracle crop, tobacco." "Ohhh!" "It has colored my teeth a healthy brown." "Was there ever a more perfect husband than you?" "(CAR DOOR SLAMMING)" "Marge, I'm back." "Oh, Homie, I've had the most exciting day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I need some dinner stat." "And the kids need some CPR lessons." "We're not paramedics!" "I'll say." "Oh, good." "You can use that to take down my dinner order." "I'll start with the soup, then a nice mixed grill with a side of wild rice." "Fine!" "Right after this revision." ""Temperance had to face the unhappy truth."" ""She had married a brute."" "Hey, baby!" "I've returned from Portsmouth." "Now let me put my tongue down "yourmouth."" "Ugh!" "Now cook up my catch." "A seagull?" "The whales weren't biting, okay?" "I know you did your best." "Yeah, yeah." "You know everything, don't you?" "Now, don't wait up." "I'll be at Moab's." "This story is as dark as those new Milky Way bars." "That's a good analogy." "I'll work it in somewhere." "But now I need some romance pronto." "Hey, Marge." "You look like you could use a nice, big stud detector." "(CHUCKLING) They were two-for-one at Krusty Home Depot." "So I got an extra one for you guys." "Ned, that's so considerate." "Well, some say being thoughtful is old-fashioned." "If so, then I guess I'm just a caveman, if they existed, which they didn't." "Boy, when you write, you can let your imagination run wild." ""Temperance was doing the laundry."" "CYRUS:" "My, those are pretty calluses." "And your back has a nice New England hump." "I'm Cyrus Manley." "And I'm new to the island." "Perhaps you could show me around." "Nantucket is an island?" "What do you know?" "It is." "Well, I could take you on a tour, as long as my husband doesn't need me." "Hey, baby." "I know we work together." "But I think you're hot." "(BOTTLE BREAKING)" "Let's go!" "I've never met a man like you." "You listen to what I say, your body has known the cleansing touch of soap." "Prithee, tell me thou art not a Sodomite." "Nope." "Not even a Gomorrahian." "Oh, Temperance, I've got an overpowering urge to see you..." "With your hat off!" "Hmm." "I can't." "I must remember my wedding vows." "Did you promise to be miserable?" "To be taken for granted by a drunken lout?" "Pretty much." "We wrote our own vows." "Enough talk!" "I need to see how you look up there!" "(GASPING)" "I think my mother had one of those." "Ahh!" "I'm finished!" "And it's so suggestive." "But like they say, "Snuggling sells!"" "(CHUCKLING)" "Now, do I dare push "print"?" "(MOANING)" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Well, what do you think?" "Hmm." "I can't believe Mom wrote a book before we did!" "And it's a little trashy." "Mom has expressed herself." "We should nurture her." "Let's kiss boys!" "Binge and purge!" "Rock and roll!" "You're not gettin' out till we're 16." "(GROWLING)" "I'm proud of you, Mom." "But just one thing, isn't your book a little hard on Dad?" "(NERVOUSLY) What do you mean?" "My book is set in whaling times." ""Captain Mordecai stared at the shop" ""window full of powdered blow holes." ""Mmm!" "Blow holes, he drooled." Sounds like Dad to me." "Well, I guess that part is loosely based on your father." "Maybe you should let Dad read your book before you submit it to publishers." "I suppose I better." "Your father's a very private person." "Marge, we're out of bath towels." "(BELL JINGLING) Ooh!" "Ice-cream truck!" "(SINGING) Here in my car I am hosing off blood" "Some of it's mine but most of it's not" "Here's Marge" "Homie, I finished my novel." "Whoa!" "Typed." "It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think." "No problem." "Oh, 286 pages?" "It's double-spaced." "Woo-hoo!" "I'm halfway through!" "All right, "Chapter 1 ."" "Hmm." "That makes sense." ""There once was a girl from Nantucket."" "Good, good." ""Her name was Temperance Barrows."" ""And her heart was heavy with feeling."" ""She..."" "(SNORING)" "No!" "Gotta read Marge's book!" "Can't get distracted!" ""Distracted," that's a funny word." "Does anyone ever get "tracted"?" "Let me call the suicide hotline and ask 'em." "Well?" "Well, what?" "Did you read the book?" "Oh." "Yes." "Did you like it?" "I did." "Oh!" "That's wonderful." "And the characters didn't bother you at all?" "No." "They were all, in their own way, totally awesome." "And you're fine with me trying to get it published?" "As I've always said, "Publish or perish."" "Oh, Homie!" "HOMER:" "Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out." "(HOMER CHUCKLING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Marge." "This is the best first novel my assistant has ever summarized for me." "Now all we need are some endorsements from famous writers." "Here's your quote." ""Thomas Pynchon loved this book"" ""almost as much as he loves cameras."" "Hey, over here!" "Have your picture taken with a reclusive author." "Today only, we'll throw in a free autograph." "But wait!" "There's more!" "Hello, this is Tom Clancy." "Would I say, "if you're hunting for a good read this October"," ""Marge Simpson's book is a clear" ""and present danger to your free time"?" "Hell, no, I wouldn't." "What do you mean I just said it?" "It doesn't count!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "If Dad ever reads that book, he's gonna be so humiliated." "He'll never read it." "What if they make it into a movie?" "He'll never see it." "What if they parody it on MADtv?" "We're doomed!" "(SIREN WAILING) So how much bleach did you drink?" "Not a talker, eh?" "I love this book, Marge." "Very psychological." "Dr. Marvin Monroe?" "I haven't seen you in years!" "Oh, I've been very sick." "If you ask me, this book sounds like Marge and Homer." "No one asked you." "Think about it." "The boorish husband, the neglected wife, the sensitive hunk down the road." "(GIGGLING)" "And on page 72," "Temperance's name changes to Marge for three paragraphs." "Can you believe Marge..." "Homer doesn't know." "Marge." "(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Can you believe that Homer and Marge's marriage is just a sham?" "All right, I'll order." "I'll have a medium pepperoni." "And could you space out the meat so that it spells, "Happy birthday, Moe."" "(SOBBING)" "Oh, God!" "I'm alone!" "(SIREN WAILING)" "Apu, do you still have Krazy Straws?" "I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm trying to cheer him up." "Oh, Mr. Homer, anything for a cuckolded boob." "I mean, a loyal customer." "What are you talking about?" "Nothing, nothing." "It just seems your wife has an active imagination." "Why do you keep talking that way?" "You'll see when you read your wife's book." "Well, then maybe I will!" "If you do, you'll see she lusts for Flanders." "That one I got." "This is how you talk when you learn English from porno movies." "I'll have to read Marge's book." "And I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds!" "It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin." "But what good does that do me?" "(HOMER READING)" "ASHLEY: "The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson."" "Your turn, Mary-Kate." "MARY-KATE: "There once was a girl from Nantucket."" ""Her name was Temperance Barrows."" ""And her heart was heavy with feeling."" "Take it, Ashley." "ASHLEY: "Temperance was trapped in a loveless marriage."" "Bummer." "I didn't know people were sad in the past." ""The Harpooned Heart Two." "Thunder Down Under." "Chapter 1."" ""Temperance Barrows stared at the shrimp on the barbie."" "How can you write such horrible things about me?" "You told me you liked it!" "You didn't read it at all!" "You lied to me!" "I didn't lie." "I was writing fiction with my mouth." "Just tell me how much of this is true!" "Well, there is a place called Nantucket." "I knew it!" "(SOBBING)" "And what about the romance between you and Cyrus?" "It was only my imagination." "Well, I'll make sure you never imagine anything again!" "(DOOR SLAMMING)" "(BANGING ON DOOR) HOMER:" "Flanders!" "Open this door, right now!" "Well, I guess it wouldn't kill me to let you in." "(HOMER MUTTERING ANGRILY)" "What are you doing here?" "Stealing doormats." "Dad's gonna catch Flanders, just like the end of Mom's book!" "Oh, yeah." "How does that go again?" "Ugh!" "Didn't you read Mom's book?" "Fine!" "I'll tell you how it ends." ""The brutish Captain Mordecai has cornered his rival, Cyrus..."" "Put that harpoon down, Captain." "You wouldn't kill the father of your next child, would you?" "Oops!" "(GROWLING)" "Temperance, I'll treasure your memory as long as I..." "No, no!" "Not the new guy!" "(LAUGHING EVILLY)" "Now that your boyfriend's dead," "I'm free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy, and..." "D'oh!" "MARGE: "As Temperance watched the two men she had loved"" ""and the one whale she admired disappear into the ocean,"" ""she realized it was the end."" "(SIREN WAILING)" "Flanders, pull over!" "I'm an ambulance!" "Well, he's got me there." "(PANTING)" "Dear Lord, please make Homer's blows precise and deadly with a minimum of pain." "Oh!" "And forgive me for those impure thoughts" "I had about the girl on the raisin box." "Flanders, I'm gonna do something" "I should've done a long time ago!" "Would you help me be a better husband?" "Huh?" "In Marge's book, I was so mean and you were so nice." "How can I be more like you?" "Just give me some advice." "Advice?" "Just call me Ann Flanders." "Uh-huh." "Oh, and another thing..." "Please!" "Homie, don't hurt him!" "And a backrub can just be a backrub." "It doesn't have to lead to adult situations." "Why would I rub her back unless I wanted to get some..." "Oh, to make her feel good." "Oh, Homie." "You're trying to improve yourself and it's because of my book." "That's right." "I love you, Marge." "And I realize now I should show you more often." "The end of your book was the wakeup call I needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book." "That's the best review I've gotten." "Seriously, these reviews are terrible." "Don't worry about those losers, Marge." "I think it's time we went home and collaborated on a little project of our own." "(CHUCKLING SUGGESTIVELY)" "Marge, I got it all figured out." "Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby!" "Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel." "(GROANING)" "All right." "We're back to square one." "Put on some coffee." "(MARGE GROANING)" "I was so close." "English" " US" " PSDH"