"Stuart, pay attention." "To the bush, not the blossom." "Allan, I think she might be coming on to us." "No, no." "Don't be silly." "Mrs. Roberts is one of my best clients." "Divorced women have needs." "She's not divorced." "There's a trial separation." "Desires, deep-seated sexual..." "Stuart, you're making this sound like we're in a porno." "This is not..." "This is not a porno." " Hello, boys." " Hello, Mrs. Roberts." "I was wondering if you could do me a little favor." "I had a pink petunia up in my bedroom." "In your bedroom?" "And it could really use some attention." "That's funny because petunias are usually outdoor plants." "It hasn't been watered for a very long time." "A very long time." "Allan." "Are you coming?" "Allan, you need to come right now." " Welcome." " Oh." " He-he-he, nice." " To my humble abode." "Oh, here's my petunia, so..." "It's so lonely and dry." "It just needs a little bit of love." " Oh." " God, look at you." "Oh, fuck." "Umm." "I'm just gonna get out of my wet clothes." " Okay." " So you two could just relax." "And, you know, be comfortable." "You know what, Stuart, this thing is dying." "I need to get home right now." "I'm too busy..." " What are you doing?" " She said to get comfortable." "No, no, Stuart, I mean, sit down on the couch." "That doesn't mean take your clothes off, please." "Allan, it's happening." "We're gonna lose our virginity." " What?" " Oh, man." "No, no, no, that is unseemly, it is sordid." " It's ridiculous." " What are you talking about?" " It's none of those things" " Please." "Losing your virginity is suppose to be special." "What could be more special than a three-way with Mrs. Roberts?" "All right, tomorrow morning we'll be legends of Tupper High School." "You're right, you're right." "Oh..." "Safe word." "We need a safe word now." "Why?" "What?" "Our safe word could be petunia." "So if one of us feels uncomfortable with this whole situation, we could just say the word, and we'll be out of here." "No, we're not." "Believe me." "Allan, we got to stay and, you know, do this." "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity." "I can't." "I need to leave right now, please." "Stuart, no, no, I wanna go." "And don't make me..." "Don't make me please." "Don't make me." "You can do this, buddy." "Just try and think about sex." "I'm a 17 year old virgin." "All I can think about is sex." "Allan, look at me." "Look at me." "This is not helping because your business is very, very, very close to me right now." "Well, just close your eyes, man." "Close them." "Trust me." "Close your eyes." "And think about the hottest thing you've ever seen." " The Lane twins." " Oh, yeah." "That's a good one." "Just walk me through it." "Monica and Madeline Lane burst through the gym doors and start to stretching the hallway." "The pert nipples and swelling breasts starting to break free from their tank tops." "Legs spread, asses hugging the floors." "They help each other further and further into their split." "Hair down, eyes begging." "Just to be next, and for a moment, just to touch those bodies." "I've never wanted to have sex with those two girls so bad in my entire life." "Ready, boys?" " Ha, ha." " Petunia." "Petunia, I could be distrac..." " I'm sorry." " How are you supposed to...?" "Oh, well." "Just you and me." "You have reached Stuart Diller." "Leave a message after the beep." "Thank you." "Hey, it's me." "Again." "Just do me a call back when you got a chance." "Thanks." "Allan, I know you and Stuart are having sex." "Mom, I'm a little busy with..." "Wait." "What?" "You know, not together." "Separately." " How would you even...?" " Facebook." " Why are you on my Facebook?" " I'm not stalking you." "Let me get this conversation, Allan." "I should have had it with you a long time ago." "I'm not having this conversation with you." "I know about the sex thing, and I know about hook-ups, and rainbow parties." "I think they over-exaggerate that stuff." "The pole picnics, and the trombone tournaments, and the frilling and jilling." "I have actually no idea what that is." "Okay, look, I'd rather you say nothing than lie to me." "Oh, my God." "Mom." "I got you mediums." "But if they're too big, we can return any unopened package, because I already asked them." "They said to keep the receipt, just try them on." "To see, you know, what feels good, what fits." "And, uh, some of them are flavored." "Glad we had the talk." "What?" "Hey, it's the Stu-man." "How about get me?" "Um, hi." "You have a new greeting." "It's interesting." "Eh..." "Can you just please call me back whenever you get a chance?" "Okay, thanks." "But parents are still going away this week right?" "Yeah." "We're still gonna party, right?" "Oh, we're still gonna party." "Ha, ha." "But not with you two." "Hey." "What's this stuff called again?" "Bangkok bliss." "Oh, well, I mean, we could score that, so..." " Oh." " Yeah." "You guys couldn't score gin from your parents' cabinet." "Yeah." "But I paid full-price." "Stuart." "Hey, Stuart." " How are you doing?" " How do you think it went?" "I hit that ass." "Hard." " That's awesome." " Yeah." "The lady is a serious freak." "She's talking about a three-way this weekend." "That's okay, I'm fine." "I don't wanna go to." "Not with you." "With her friend, Danielle." " Oh, great." " Yeah, not with you." " Of course, no, no." " Yeah." "Hey, um..." "Would you mind not telling anybody what happened to me?" "Petunia." "Hey, what did we say about parking that pussy-pink-piece- of-shit car over here?" "Seriously, who in the fuck drives a pink Volvo?" "Actually, it's salmon, but it's fine." "I'll move it." "Don't worry." "I'm sorry." "What did you just say?" "It's pink." "It's definitely pink." "Good boy." "You have a little trouble sticking it in, huh?" "Come on, petunia." "Move it." "Good morning, ladies." "If those tops were any tighter," "I could see what you had for breakfast." "Oh, thank you, Mr. Horton." "It wasn't a compliment." "Please check the dress code." "Okay." "Stay true." "Stay cool." "Abstinence weekend." "It's gonna be really..." " Hi, Allan." " Hey, Brittany." "I didn't realized that you're in Stay True, Stay Cool." "Yeah, I'm sort of trying it out." "We're getting sign-ups for Tour of Depravity Camping Retreat." "Tomorrow after school and there's still spots on the bus." "FYI, no agendas." "Mr. Horton is probably not even joining." "FYI." " Agendas?" " He means gay agendas." "Oh, well, FYI, I'm not gay." "Oh, no." "Ignore him." "It's cool if you're gay." "No, uh..." "It's absolutely cool to be gay, if you are, but I'm not at all." "So, um, everyone's welcome and it's free." " Are you interested at all...?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'll definitely consider it." "Is it true about Stuart Diller?" "Yeah." "Because Mrs. Roberts is like really old." "Boys could be so gross about that." "Yes, I completely agree with you 100 percent." "Most boys are really gross." "You know, it must be very difficult to be a girl in todays cultural climate." "Because whether or not you had sex, you'd be completely..." "Petunia." " Irrelevant?" " Yeah." "Come on." "Yah!" "So we have new renters across the street." " They seem really nice." " Mm." "They have a son like your age, Zack." "He's gonna go to your school, so I mentioned that you could drive home." "What?" "No." "Why did you do that?" "I don't know the guy." "It's a neighborly thing to do, honey." "He seems really nice." "Aah..." " Are you riding dusty?" " What?" "Riding dusty." "Huffing canned air." "No, Mom." "No, I'm not huffing canned air." "Honey, it is horribly addictive." "People's lives are ruined." "Mom, I am not huffing canned air." "I'm not having sex." "I am not doing anything." "So, please." "Just leave me alone." "So touchy." " Who is it?" " Allan." " What?" " Um, my name is Allan." "I'm here to give Zack a ride to school." "Oh, fuck." "What's up, man?" "Where's your ride at?" "Oh, I can't believe you drive a fucking vulva." "I can't believe your front door is an effing couch." "Oh, touche, motherfucker." "That bitch is stuck." "Thanks for the ride, by the way." "We should you wax your Volvo, right?" "What?" "You know how women wax their vaginas?" "Look, if you don't like Volvos, you don't have to drive with me." "Relax, bro." "I'm just kidding." "I love your Volvo." "You know what I don't like, is a hairy vulva." "There was just one time, dude, I was eating this chick out, and literally, she got all these pubes just stuck in my teeth, and..." "And it's look like my teeth had a beard." "Oh, what did you do?" "I freaked the furry fandango all night." "Wait." "Pubic hair stuck in your teeth?" "Yeah, man." "I'm pretty sexually active for my age." "You know?" "I deal with a lot of chicks." " Uh-huh." " Speaking of..." "Your mom is super hot." "Is there like father figure around or anything?" "Um, no, there's not." "Well, I'm probably gonna have to tap that." "Excuse me, I don't appreciate you talking about my mother like that." "Yeah." "I'll just dial it back." "Okay." "Good." "Shit's my stuff, my man." "My dad's in prison." "They moved him over to Wainwright." "That's why we came here, so..." " Wait, really?" " Yeah." "He's actually kind of a big player." "We're, uh..." "We're sort of in witness protection." "I don't think you're suppose to tell people you're in the witness protection program if you're in the witness protection program." "No, I mean, and for sure not, but I figured we're gonna be friends, so..." "Might as well, let you in on my life, right?" "Yeah, I guess." "So I got the hook up through him." "If you ever need anything, I can get it for you." "Drugs, guns, whatever." "You can do that from prison?" " Dude, absolutely." " Huh." "Would you not slam the door?" " Would you mind?" " What's up?" "Replacement dashboards for this model are very hard to come by." " You're kidding, right?" " No, I'm not." "Oh, you're funny, dude." "I like you." "You're good." "We're running late." "Seat belt, please." "Ooh." "One of those guys." "Locked and loaded, brother." "What are you doing?" "We're gonna be late, go." "You know what you have to do on your first day in prison?" "No." "I have no idea." "Go out in the yard." "You find the biggest, meanest motherfucker there is." "Bam!" "Cold-cock that motherfucker right in the face." "Sends them a message." "That's actually how I like to roll on my first day in the new school, except with the hottest chicks, you know what I'm saying?" " You hit a girl?" " What?" "How did you...?" "No." "No, I don't hit her." "I hit on her." "I would never hit a chick, bro." "Oh, right." "Totally." "So who's the hottest chick in this place?" "Probably have to be the Lane twins." " You have twins?" " Mm-hm." "Are you messing with me right now?" "Because that's not funny." " No, they're identical." " And they're hot?" "Yeah." "I could say they're pretty hot." "Amazingly and incredibly hot." "Oh, thank you, Jesus." " Have you fucked them yet?" " What?" " Have you fucked?" " No, I never talked to them." "I don't think I can ever sustain eye contact with them." "Do they fuck?" "The general consensus is that they're sexually adventurous." "Dude, we have to fuck them." "That strikes me as highly, highly improbable." "Where is the faith, bro?" "At least, fake it till you make it." "That's half the battle right there." "Oh, hey, petunia." "What did we tell you about parking this shit here?" " What the hell is this?" " Don't worry, it's fine." "Move it." "We see you have a new fuck buddy over here." "What the fuck did you call me?" "It smells like pussy over there, dude." "It smells real strong pussy." "You coming around, bro?" "Are you coming around?" "Dude, I'm gonna fuck you so hard in the ass that the tip of my dick knocks out your front teeth, and I'm gonna rock your dicks like Chinese finger traps." " Suck it." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "This is bad." " This is really really bad." " Douchebags, dude." " They probably wanna kill us." " Those guys?" "Dude, I got your back." "Those guys are done and done." "I'm gonna have to be homeschooled now." "You are a fantastic driver." "You'll make a good wheelman someday." "What?" "The guy that drives the getaway car in the robbery." "Look, I just need you to stop talking." " Why?" " Because..." "Before we could continue, there's a couple of things you need to know." "But..." "Like what?" "Those guys that you just threatened to sodomize back there, they're very dangerous." "Last year, they gave Sheldon Taylor a wedgie." "The doctors still have not found his left testicle." "He's had three MRI's and a colonoscopy, it is very, very serious." "All right, buddy, you need to relax, okay?" "I got your back." "I told you, I'll take care of those guys." "Would you just trust me?" "Okay, well, assuming that's true, that doesn't change the fact that I'm the biggest loser-nerd in this entire high school." "And not even my best friend Stuart wants to be seen with me." "Why is that?" "He had sex." "And I guess that makes me not cool enough to be his friend." "He ditched you because he got laid?" "Yeah, basically." "Then he's not your friend." "Real friends help each other out, man." "They stick together through whatever." "Easy to say but being seen with me goes against that." "All right, what it was is not what it would be." "Just because you're the biggest loser-nerd today does not mean you're gonna be that tomorrow." "Okay, shit changes." " Really?" " Absolutely, man." "Let's go fuck this shit up." "Oh, a little late for that, sweetheart." " Hey, Allan." " Hey, Brittany." " Is he with you?" " No, not really." "So, um, I decided that I wanna sign up for the camping trip." "Great." "Um..." "Just make sure you get it signed by a parent or guardian." "Will do." " Can I tell you something?" " Yeah." "I just wanted to say that," "I think it was really cool what you said yesterday about being a girl in our cultural climate." "It felt really good to hear guys say that." " Well, you know, I just..." " Can I get your number?" "For the membership." "You have to be a member to go camping." "Great, great." "Um..." "I just found the Lane twins, they're even better than you said." "They're hot as balls." "Come on." "Um..." " Brittany?" " Yes, Mr. Horton." " Did he say hot balls?" " I think he did." "Dude, they are so hot." "I don't think I've ever been this close to them before." "You know what, fuck it." "I'm gonna go introduce myself." "Are you coming?" "No, no, I don't think you're supposed to talk to them." " Actually, I'm positive now..." " Yeah, you're coming." "No." "You don't understand." "I can't." "I can't..." "Ladies, hello." "I'm Zack at your service, uh..." "New guy." "First day." " You know my friend, right?" " No, they don't..." "Listen, I'm imagining you probably wanna know a little bit about myself." "Uh, other than being hung like a horse, my father is in prison." "He's actually this big player in the criminal underground, so if you ever need anything, anything at all, we can get the hook up for you." "We can get the hook up?" "You know, even guns, drugs, your boyfriends whacked." "Not like whacked off." "Like, you know, killed." "It's a mob term." " It's really not a big deal." " Wow." "Wow, I thought that went extremely well." "You're gonna have to get a restraining order." "It's your raw animal attraction." "Early days, motherfucker." "Early days." "Hey, at least I tried, which is more than some of us can say." "Look, I was joking, okay?" " I thought that you..." " There's that little bitch." " Oh, my God." " What are you doing?" " Stop." " Go, go, go." "Relax." "Relax yourself." " Dude." " Shh, those guys..." " What?" " Oh, my bad." "Hope we're not interrupting a blow job here." "Oh, no, no, no, you guys are all good." "We're waiting for you to start sucking." "What's up, bitch?" "What's up, bitch?" "You wanna fucking do this, bro?" "You wanna get real?" "This is real life." "This is fucking real." "I'm gonna fuck all of them in your face, bitch." "Oh..." "We'll go to hell together, motherfucker." "Motherfucker..." "Let's do it." "Make your way." "I'm gonna take a metal rod, and repeatedly shove it up your ass until you bleed." "And I'm gonna drink the blood and spit it in your mother's mouth while I fuck your siblings." "How do you feel about that, bro?" "Fucking..." " Oh, what's this?" " Come on, let's do it." "Fuck this shit." "Look, the guy's..." " Fucking problems, man." " You're crazy, motherfucker." "Oh, yeah?" "Who's crazy, motherfucker?" "Bitches." "Whoa." "Oh, my God, that has to be the coolest thing" "I've ever seen in my entire life." "What did I tell you, man." "I got your back." "Okay." "And she was like this, and she's going up, up, up." "I didn't even know how I reached that, you know." " But it usually like..." " Off the table." "Sorry, Mr. Jones." "We're all friends here." "We could be more than friends if you want." "Am I right?" "Okay." "Hey, ladies." "I think we've got a line on some weed." "That's really impressive, Kenny." "Yeah, maybe I should just tweet about it because it's just too exciting." "We're also looking in to getting you that Bangalore shit." "Don't worry about it." "I think we got that covered." "I'm sure you probably don't care, but you're not supposed to have food in here." "Oh, you're right." "I don't care." " Zack, right?" " Ladies." "At your service, please." "Come around." "Take a seat." "You, uh, you remember my man, Allan, right?" "Oh, did you just move here too?" "Oh, no, we've gone to school since..." "Do you have the connect or...?" "No, I can get you whatever you want." "Great, because our friend, Amber..." "Yes, Amber, I remember Amber." "They called her easy-bake Amber." "It was terrible." "She was in Bangkok last year, and she did this amazing club drug called Bangkok bliss." "None of the lame asses at school can score it." "Bangkok, capital of Thailand." "Actually, formerly known as Siam, which where they came up the term Siamese cats." " You done?" " Yeah." "Bangkok bliss." "All over that shit." " You've done it?" " Yeah." "Several times actually." "It's really awesome." " What's it like?" " It's smooth." " Can you get some?" " Yeah, as much as you want." "Well, how soon can you get it?" "Because our parents are going away this weekend and we thought that we might, you know, have a party or something." "It's, it's..." "Actually, it's more transcendent drug." "You know what I'm..." "Allan, nope, we got it covered." "It's awesome." "I can get it to you by tonight." "Great." "Well, here's 80." " Is that enough?" " Yeah, that's fine." "Allan and I will roll over tonight." "After we get the shit, we'll just take it from there." "Yeah, we should exchange numbers." " Oh..." " Some digits." " Yes." " Simplify it up." " Okay, sure, yeah, so..." " Cool." "Now, she's giving him her number." " What's up with this guy?" " I don't know, man." "It's completely messed up, man." "It's fucking messed up." "Here, just call when you get those." "Oh, absolutely." "That sounds great." "Awesome." "Dude, we are gonna fuck the Lane twins, bro." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "I heard absolutely nothing about sexual intercourse." "Oh, no, no, no, man." "It's PNP, baby." " PNP" " P and what?" "Party and play, dude." "Fucky, fucky all weekend long" "It's orgy time" "Oh, my God." "I just hope we can find this shit." "I thought you said you got a connect." "What?" "Bangkok bliss?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Well, obviously you're not gonna get Bangkok bliss." "Google it, yeah, Google it." " Internet search it." " Which one should I do Allan?" " Both." " I am not going to Google it." "All right, dude?" "I'm gonna call my dad." "Okay, okay, wait." "Can you just wait up a second?" "Do you really think you should be calling him?" "Don't they monitor stuff like this?" "No, dude, I'm not calling the prison." " I'm calling his cell." " His cell phone?" "Yeah, dude, they suitcased them in." " Suitcased them?" " Yeah, up their ass." "You know what I'm saying?" "Prison is no joke." "How do they get them out?" "Huh, dude, you do not wanna know." "Hey." "Yup, no, it's me." "I wanted to talk real quick." "So I think that tonight is not gonna work for me." "What?" "Obviously, I'm not going to the Stay True Stay Cool trip." "Are you out of your fucking mind, dude?" "The Lane twins are practically licking our dicks." "You wanna go kumbaya with a bunch of virgins?" "I have to tell you the truth about something." "I'm a virgin." "There." "I said it." " Like an anal sex virgin?" " No." "No, an any sex virgin." " You lucky son of a bitch." " What?" " Why?" " You get to lose it to twins." "That's never happened before." "You're like the Lance Armstrong of virgins." "What does Lance Armstrong have anything to do with this?" "Is this because he has testicular cancer?" "What?" "I don't understand what you're talking about." "Lance Armstrong, first guy on the moon." "Lance Armstrong wasn't the first guy on the moon." " He was the first guy." " No." " Yes, he was." " No." "Allan, stop." "Twenty years from now, when you're all old and messed up, you're gonna completely look back on this and regret missing this opportunity." "Guaranteed." "Ladies." "We still up for tonight, boys?" "Oh, it is happening as we speak, yeah." "Cool, well, see you tonight, Zack." "Tonight, it is." " Bye, Alvin." " It's Allan." "Look, buddy, are you seriously gonna pass up the fuck rocket to tuna town for the bus of Virginville?" "What if I can't perform?" "Unh." "Come on, man." "You basically just skizzed all over them right now." "Imagine what it's gonna be like when they're all lying there naked with their vaginas just breathing into your face." "Allan." "Allan." "I'll do it." "My man!" "Give it to me." "There you go." "You know, actually, we probably should go with the virgin guy." "I'm feeling that right now." "Let's do that." " Seriously?" " No." "Not seriously, but that's what we're gonna tell our moms." "In that way, we have the whole weekend to spend with the twins." "What's up, bootylicious?" "Hey, Allan." "You're gonna help us decorate?" "Actually, I'm just here to get Zack to sign up." "Hey, Zack." "So, what, um...?" "Where do I sign up for this bad boy?" "I'll need a signature from a parent or a guardian." " Just right there." " Right here?" "Awesome." "You should lose the sweater, by the way." "You got a great set of polka dots on your shirt." "I didn't need to know that." "Thank you." "I'm really looking forward to this weekend." "Yeah, me too." "Should be fun, ha, ha." " Bye." " Bye." "Dude, this is brilliant." "What Mom doesn't wanna hear that their son's a virgin?" "You don't know my mom." "The rest of the class aren't taking the bus." "And I thought that Zack and I would take the Volvo." "Mom, Mom, it's okay." "It's just for the weekend." " I'm gonna be back." " You're still a virgin." "My baby is still a virgin." " Okay, okay, that's enough." " Wait, wait, wait." "You don't feel like you're a woman trapped inside a man's body, do you?" "What?" "No, no." "It's tragic what can happen to these people." "Their lives can be ruined." "I want you to understand that I would, honey." "You can share anything with me." "Mom, no, I'm not asking for sex reassignment surgery." "I'm just asking for you to sign a permission slip for me to go on a camping trip." " Are you sure?" " Yes, I'm sure." " Because you would make..." " Come in." " Hey." " Hi, Zachary." " How are you, darling?" "Ha, ha." " Lisa." "You know what, I'm so happy you and my son have become such good friends." "You know, you have raised one hell of a son, so..." "Okay, it is time to go." " That's really nice of you." " Yeah, but first, we got a..." "There was a thing that you're gonna show me." "What?" "The thing in your room that you wanna show me." "Uh, yeah, right." "The thing, the thing in my room." "Yeah, we gotta get a thing in the room." "Gotta get that thing in the room." " Okay, help him pack." " All right, okay." "Thermals and hunting socks, honey." "All right, brother." "Come take a seat." "Let's discuss." "Okay." "From my years of experience, 90 percent of getting with hot chicks is preparing to get with hot chicks." " Are you with me?" " Yeah, yeah, I think so." "All right." "Let's see what you're packing." "I don't think I feel entirely comfortable showing you my penis." "Oh, bro, nope." "That's not..." "No, I'm talking about your knapsack." "What's...?" " What's in your knapsack?" " Well..." "Uh, yeah, sorry." "It's a literal, literal packing." "I'm pretty sure they'll probably have tissue." "Yeah, but they're probably made from old growth forests." "These are 100 percent post consumer." "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather this night not contribute to the Earth's destruction." "Yeah, for sure, man." "Whatever raises your flag." "Let's go." "What else you got?" "Um, I thought we could use some healthy snacks, so I brought dried mango." "What else?" "Uh, nasal strips." "I'm pretty sure I don't snore but..." "Oh, Allan, Allan, Allan, you are woefully unprepared for what lies ahead." "Oh, oh, and I suppose that you are very prepared?" "Uh, yeah, I am." "Watch out." "Move." "Move, move, move." "Check this out, bro." "Chocolate pudding." "We got some more chocolate pudding." "We got some condos, right?" "Mr. Lube." "I got some whipped cream." "A little Cheesy McSleazy, bro." "Okay, okay, cheese?" "Are you serious?" "Yes." "Seriously." " No, no." "What is that for?" " Butter wrestling." "Look, I think you're taking this way too far." "No, wait." "I forgot the best part." " Bam!" " Oh, God, we need a safe word." "Relax, it's not for us." "It's for the twins." "I understand but I think that we need..." " We don't need a safe word." " I want a safe word." "Why are you getting so aggressive?" "It is a sausage." "I want a safe word." "Is it about us crossing swords?" "We can come to that when it happens." "Mango, mango." "Our safe word is mango." " What?" "How about "bite me"?" " Are you serious?" "That's the stupidest safe word I've ever heard in my life." "Okay, all right, fine." "Mango, it is." "So if one of us starts to feel uncomfortable with all of this, we can say "mango."" "This has been a great conversation." "I'd love to continue it but I need you to drop your pants." " What?" " This is very important." "What are you talking about?" "The underpants reveal is like the "make it or break it" moment with chicks." "You do it right, you're mayor of Pussytown." "You do it wrong, you're gonna go back home all by yourself and you're gonna be doing Mr. Handyman." "You know what I'm saying?" "So come on, drop them, son." "No, I mean, all the way." "You're gonna laugh." "Buddy, I swear to you, I will not laugh." "Oh, my God." "Are you seriously telling me you're about to go to the twins in tighty-whiteys?" "No, this is not my normal underwear." "I was out of underwear." "Okay, you know what, let me show you how it's done." "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." "No, yeah..." "Bam!" "See?" "That's the key right there, dude." "You get the chicks laughing with you, not at you." "Look, dude." "Let me show you." "I got the whole animal collection in here." "I got another elephant." "I got a snake." " I got a gator, dude." " Oh, my God." "I got the, uh, the thing..." "This is for, actually, like, little penises but I just saw, you know, you look good." "And this one is a wolf." "These are all proven performers." "I've literally used every one of these." "Yeah, it doesn't really help me knowing that you wore these." "What?" "Dude, I've washed them." "Maybe not this one." "I don't think I've washed this one." "But the rest of them were completely clean." "I don't know, the elephant." "Okay, I like what you're doing there." "We're going to the twins' house, you know." "We wear matching underwear." "This is good." "Put it on." "Would you mind not looking while I change?" "Oh, yeah." "No, I got you." "They are a little big on me." "What can I say?" "I mean, around the waist." "Oh, you are rocking the thunder pants right now, bro." "Give it the trunk lift." " No." " Just pop it up." "Give me the trunk lift, bro." "Get wild." "Do it." "No, no, no." "You gotta give it..." "Don't put the whole body." "Just the hips, man." "Let me show you, bro." "Gotta get it." "It's like the movement." "Just fucking get the trunk..." "No, you're going side-to-side." "Don't do side-to-side." " You want up and down." " Okay." "Up and down." "Let the ball sack pop." " That is what I'm doing." " Ball sack pop." "Do you want some snacks?" "Huh." " Hi." " Hi." "You having some trouble with that?" "A little bit." "I can help you with the honey in there." "Oh." "Mom, I'm not gay, okay?" "Yeah, okay." " Okay." " Yeah." "Okay." "All right." "Just do me a favor." "Stay away from the glory holes, okay?" "The glory holes in the public bathroom, stay away." "Well, this is a school-sanctioned trip, so I don't think there's gonna be any glory holes." "And don't post any pictures on that Pologram." " It's not called Pologram." " Whatever, the Polygram." "The thing where you post the pictures on the Internet." "If you post it on the internet, it says a lot." "Yeah, totally." " We're going now so I love you." " Okay." " Bye, Lisa." " Okay." " Mm." " Mm, whoa!" "Okay." "Bye, guys." "Honey, be safe." "Awesome." "All right, bye." "All right, that was my dad's guy." "We got the hook up." "We are on that bliss, motherfucker." "Do you think you can stop calling me that?" " You mean motherfucker?" " Yeah, that." "Is this about my hug with Lisa?" "Oh, no, no." "It has nothing to do with that." "It's all good, man." "I can show them that." "You know what I mean?" "I think it's really cool that you and your mom talk." "I can talk never to my mom about glory holes." "No, no." "It's not cool." "This is what I have to deal with every single day of my life." "Cut her some slack, man." "Your people have been through a lot through the years." "A little caution make sense." "What people?" "I don't have people." "Bro, it's okay." "I'm totally fine with it." " Fine with what?" " That you're Jewish." " I'm not Jewish." " Yeah, all right, bro." "I mean, it's cool if someone's Jewish, but I'm not Jewish." " Okay." " Could you...?" "Right, with the cover for the Volvo." "Okay." "All I'm trying to say is you should just embrace it." "You know, you come from a very long and proud heritage." "I have no idea what you're talking about." " You've looked." " I did." "But there was a mirror." "It was very easy to see." " Uh-huh." " I didn't mean to." "Just because my penis is circumcised does not mean that I'm Jewish." "It's one of my mother's things, okay?" "Human papillomavirus and cervical cancer." "She is very big on that." "Okay, so wait." "Time out." " So you're not Jewish." " No, I am not Jewish." "And neither is my penis." "Oh, God." "Okay, we have to talk about this." "You gotta stop saying that word." "Chicks do not like it." "It's very impersonal." "You gotta come up with a name for it." "Help the chick establish a relationship with your dick." "You know, okay." "Take me, for instance." "I am Zack." "This is Lil Z." " Little Z?" " Lil Z, the Gangster of Love." "Ha, yeah, I don't know if I would ever feel comfortable talking about my penis in the third person." "Okay, fine." "You don't have to come up with a name for it." "But you gotta stop using the P word." "Oh, you don't like the word penis, Zack?" " Penis." " Don't." "Penis" "Stop." "Penis" "Why do you...?" "Hey, why do you have to do that?" "There are so many other options." " Like what?" " Yeah, Baloney Pony." "Hairy Banjo." "The Ankle Spanker." "Captain Winky." "Jack the Dripper." "Daddy Long Stroke." "Dart of Love." "The, uh, Cum Pump." "Chowder Spouts." "The Purple-Headed Womb Ferret." "The Steaming Semen Highway of Love." "It's actually my favorite." "And the tallywacker." " The tallywacker?" " Yeah." "I mean, it's obscure but it's perfectly valid." "Oh, you obviously spend way too much time on the Internet." "How are we supposed to know who this person is?" "Well, I told him we're on a pink Volvo." " It's salmon." " It's salmon." " Do you even know this person?" " Yes, I do, okay?" "It's my dad's guy's guy." "Disaster." "Oh, we're waiting around for somebody whose name is Disaster?" "Yes, but it's a street name." "No, I understand it's a street name." "But how do you think he got the name?" "I have no idea." " It's probably flipped." " What?" "Okay, like how they call small, skinny guys Big-something?" "It's like that." "He's probably the least disastrous guy around." "That makes me feel so much better that we're waiting around for the least disastrous person named Disaster." "Oh, my God!" " What the fuck's your prob?" " Nothing." "What's up, my man?" "You got the shit?" " You got my money?" " Oh, dude, no doubt." "Um, what's it gonna be?" "It's gonna be $30, a tab, four tabs, 140." "No, no, that's actually 120." "What the fuck did you say?" "Okay, wait." "We got, what, 80 from the twins?" "Eighty?" " There's some change here." " We got it." "No, no, it's okay." "I got this." "You punk ass." "Son of a bitches!" "We're not gonna..." "You son of a bitches." "Sir?" "Sir." "You're getting extremely, extremely angry over nothing." "I'm gonna rip the ribs off you, motherfucker." "Give me that." "Give me that." " It's 157 and change." " There it is, right there." "There's change there and we'll get the rest to you tomorrow." " We're good for it, I promise." " Actually, $20 short." "We're actually overpaying you." " All right." " What the fuck did you say?" "Um, nothing." "It's exactly..." "Hey, hey, I got an idea, okay?" "What?" " Hurry that shit up." " Right there." "See what we got here." "That's some good shit." "Oh, no, I'm good." "Thank you though." " Oh, no, no." " No, you suck my butter finger." "He's, uh..." "He can't have dairy." "So there's more for me." " That's right." " Ha-ha-ha." "Is this what it's supposed to look like?" " What did you say?" " No, he didn't say anything." "He was just asking a question." "We're doing business." " Hit me up anytime." " Will do." "Hey, Leroy!" " I guess he didn't flip it." " Yeah, you think?" "Eyes on the prize, brother." "We got the bliss." "Let's pack this shit up and go." "Okay, yeah, we have to talk about those groceries." "It's ridiculous." "The sausage, in particular." "What is there to talk about?" "What the fu...?" "Where is this thing called bliss?" "We don't have it." "No, I'm not fucking around." "It's downtown." "Yeah, keep talking, dipshit." "Can we take a deep breath and chill for a second?" "There's a Salvadorian dude called Lambache." "He works out at the pool hall down on Abby." "Lambache." "What's the last name?" " It's a street name." " This better be for real." " Or I swear to God..." " Yeah, I get it." "You will fucking kill me and shit." " Yeah, yeah." " Don't..." " Get out of my face." " Have fun with that, ladies." "Oh, they are fucked." "What are you talking about?" "My dad's guy told me that the Salvadorians are literally the craziest motherfuckers in town." "And, uh, last time I heard," "Lambache is gangbanger for suck ass." "What?" "No, no, no, Zack." "Zack, no, no." "This is getting way more than I can handle." "I mean, I've been brutalized more the last half hour than I've ever been my entire life." "I think it's just..." "It's better if I just go home." "No, Allan, stop." "Stop." "You stood tall, man." "You didn't punk out and tell him where the bliss was." "I was too scared to punk out." "That still counts, my man." "Look, the hard part is over." "We got the bliss." "It's taco time." "No, no, no, shit, shit." "I, uh..." "Oh, you're gonna love this." "Boo!" "Wah!" "Genealogical implications aside, let's pretend for a moment that we're not talking about a thinly-encased tube of dead animal with toxins and preservatives..." "It's a sausage." "Okay, fine, fine." "It's a sausage." "But it's still incest." "Not when it's with twins, man." "What are you talking about?" "Especially when it's twins." "Fucker, what is your problem right now?" "I just don't feel comfortable showing up to their front door with a bunch of over-sexualized groceries." "I mean, how do you even begin to explain the two tubs of butter back there?" "Let alone the three-foot sausage." "They're gonna think we're perverts." "Allan, there are times, and I believe tonight is one of them, where freaky just happens." "Choco pudding just doesn't happen, you have to add milk and you have to let it sit in the fridge at least an hour." "Oh, and showing up with aloe and tissues is okay?" "Come on." "They're gonna think we have colds." "It's a great start right there." ""Hey, ladies." "Nice to see you." "We're sick." "Let's fuck."" "Tissues are thoughtful." "Now, a three-foot sausage is disgusting." "Even if they're lesbians, they wouldn't be interested in it." "Should I have brought, like, a zucchini or a cucumber or something?" "No, lesbians aren't interested in penises or things resembling penises." "That's why they're lesbians." "Come on." "That is so wrong what you just said." "Try to connect with your inner badass, okay?" "I don't have an inner badass." "Everyone has an inner badass." "Zack and Lil Z are in the house." "I thought you guys were gonna call first?" "So do you have the bliss?" "Oh, hells, yeah!" "So is that your street name?" " What?" " Lil Z, is that...?" "Oh, no, no, no." "That's just the name that Zack calls the sausage that he's holding in his hand." "Oh, the sausage has a name?" "Mm-hm." "You know prisoners hide their phones in their rectal cavities?" "You mean, they put them up their butts?" "Mm-hm." "Yeah." "Prison's no joke." "How do they get them out?" "I have no idea." "Oh, God." "I can't believe we're this close to the Lane twins." "We're like a hundred feet from their bedroom." "Dude, you are literally spiraling out of control." "Holy shit." "Oh, my God." "Okay." "Let's do it, boys." "Strip it down." "Ha-ha-ha." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "For sure." "So ready right now." "Allan, let's do this." "Um, I don't..." "I don't think I can do this..." "Shh, just follow my lead, okay?" "Just take it off." "Where is it going?" "There, right?" "Give it down." "Give it down." "You ready for the monster?" "I don't think you are." "Yeah, there it is, right?" "Whoa!" "Have you ever played Capture-The-Snake?" "Right?" "I'll give you a little bit of this." "Mm." " Oh!" " Give it a little drag." "Give it a little drag." "I'm creeping up on you." "I'm coming for you." " Papa's coming." " Awesome." "Watch out, ladies." "Watch out." "How's the marble head?" " All right, let's go." " Let's go, brother." " Let's do this." " Come on." " Give them the good stuff." " Ha-ha-ha." "Ladies." "Take the shirt..." "Shirt off." "Take it off, Allan." "Okay." "Ha, ha." "Oh, my God!" "You're good." "Okay, should we be taking some hardcore drugs right now?" "Oh." "That's awesome, brother." "That is awesome." "That's brilliant." "He's ready to unleash the bliss." " Let's do it." " Here's one for you." "One for you." "One for me." "Okay, let's take them on three." "Ready?" "One, two, three." "I think this is gingko biloba." " What are you talking about?" " There's GB etched in the side." "What's gingko biloba?" "It's just an herbal supplement." "It helps for memory." "My grandmother takes one." "Ugh." "That motherfucker better get what's coming to him." "I'm gonna kick him right in the shaft." "Mm." "Who wants chocolate pudding?" "No, I'll be able to find it." "It's all good." "Okay." "Bye." "Ladies, we are good." "I just found a new connect on the bliss." "So we, we're gonna make this right." "And don't come back until you do." "Yeah, and take your pudding." "Look, I understand that you're really upset with me but..." "Why would I be upset with you, Allan?" "An hour ago, we are in a hot tub with twins, riding our jocks." " And then you single-handedly..." " What am I suppose to say?" "Nothing!" "You missed an excellent opportunity to say absolutely nothing!" "We all get some improved blood flow." "No harm." "No foul." " I'm sorry." " Jesus!" "No, you know what, that has to be the most massive self-inflicted cock block in the history of fucking." " I said I'm sorry, okay?" " Unh." "I tell you this right now." "You are a lucky motherfucker." "I got a line on some bliss downtown, okay?" "It's gonna cost us like 75 bucks or something." "Do you have any money?" "No, I gave it all to you for the fake bliss." " Do you have a credit card?" " Absolutely not." " The fees are through the roof." " Oh." "Do you have any cash at home?" "Come on, Allan." "Where's the cash?" "Okay, fine." "But it's in my Volvo fund." "And besides, we can't even go back there." "My mom thinks that we're gay camping or glory-holing or something like that, which, by the way, is completely your fault." "Allan, Allan, stop." "The Lane twins, you know?" "Like, "Oh, oh, Allan." "Oh, that's so good." "Allan, just, oh, just the tip." "Just the tip."" " Fine, fine." " Mm." "Fine." "Move it." "Shh..." "Be very quiet." "My mother is a very light sleeper." "Oh, what the fuck?" "Let's go." "Let's go, let's go, let's go." "Is that like a relative or something?" "No, no, he's not a relative." "I've never seen that guy before in my entire life." "Did you see the size of his dick, dude?" "He can probably suck it all by himself." " Great, thank you." " Just lying flat on his back." " Zack, shut up." " Even when he's not hard." "I'm just saying, your mom's a lucky girl." "Let's go." "Chop, chop." "Oh, that's a real good hiding place." "Let's go." "Let's play peek-a-boo!" "No, that's my mother's room." "Don't go in there." "Stop it." "Okay, I'll be right there." "Wait, let me put some sexy music to bang to." "Oh, ha, ha." "I see somebody found the meat drawer." "Yeah, how's your meat drawer doing?" "Well, it's a little empty at the moment." "Yeah, well, not for long." "Hot!" " Stop it, stop it." " Fuck." " Don't worry." " Stop it." "I think I found the sausage." "Oh, yeah!" "Okay." "Okay, okay, okay." "Do it, baby!" "Do it!" "Oh, oh!" "Wait, wait." "I think we broke the door." "Not a problem, baby." "I can fix anything." "Yeah, you just gotta get this, uh, thing back in the track." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "It's his cock." "It's his cock." " His dick." " Yeah, there you go." "But the bottom part, now that, ugh, that's a little tricky." "Yeah, there you go." "Oh, that sweet meat." "I'm ready for my sandwich." "Where did I put that?" "Don't worry, post fucking, they'll be asleep within a few seconds." "This is awesome." "What are you doing?" "I already posted it to Tumblr." " I'm just..." " Get out." "Jesus." "He has some staying power." "Wait, wait, wait." "Okay." "We'll be stuck in this closet all weekend." "I'll never sleep in this house ever again." "Dude, you are looking at this the totally wrong way." "Okay, Lisa's a very sexual being." " This is beautiful." " No." "This is not beautiful." " And stop calling her Lisa." " She told me to." "I don't care what she told you." "She obviously has very poor judgment." "Otherwise, there wouldn't be a very, very, very hairy naked man running train on my mother." "Running train?" "It's not even the proper term for it." "Whatever, fine." "Riding train, I don't care." "Stop." "You are making it sound like he's a hobo." " You think he's a hobo?" " I don't know." "All I'm saying is, if I was swinging a babe like that," "I wouldn't shave either." "I'll just be like, "Hey, I'm hairy." "Check out my enormous, hairy dick."" "Oh, my God, oh, my God." "My mom's flying with a hobo." "Will you get off the hobo thing?" "Yeah, baby." "If there is so much as one pube in my refrigerator," "I am leaving home." "I'm becoming a ward of the state, I don't care." "And you know what, I support that decision." "But we need to focus on what lies ahead." "Scoring that bliss and getting back to the twins." " Are you with me?" "Okay." " Okay." "It's not about your mom getting her freak on." " No, it's not." " Good." "So the cock all up in your mom, dude, and she is taking him like a..." "It's not helping." "Okay, you know what, yeah, you're right." "You're absolutely right, but damn!" "Wait, I haven't found it yet." "Oh, oh, yes." "Work it out, work it out." " Okay!" " Okay, it's now or never." "Okay." "Okay." " What?" " Go!" "Go!" "Oh, yeah, baby." "Do it." "Aha!" "Yeah, baby!" "Put your fucking phone away." "Okay." "Okay." "There's no way we're getting in here." "Don't you worry." "I'll handle it." "Ah, hmm, come on." " Yeah!" " Come on." "Get out!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Make way!" "When they said cock fighting," "I assumed that there would be birds involved." " This never happened." " Okay." "We'll never talk about this again, ever!" " It's just..." " I said ever, man." "Not gonna happen, little man." "No way, no how." "I'm sorry." "Do you not know who I am?" "What don't you enlighten me?" "I am Joe Celisco's kid." " You are Joe Celisco's kid." " Yeah, "The." Yeah." "I though you said your name is Kowalski." "Yeah, no, no, that's just for witness protection." "My apologies, Mr. Celisco." "Welcome." "My man." "Wow." "Right this way, Mr. Celisco." "Actually, we're looking for some Bangkok Bliss." "Think you can help us with that?" "For the boss' son, anything is possible." "Whoa!" "Allan, are you seeing this?" "Here's what's happening." "Who's having a ride?" "Ah!" "Oh, man, you smell pathetic." "So you're Joe Celisco's kid." "Oh, no, no, no." "That's him over there." "You're looking for some Bliss, right?" "Um, yes." "Yes, yes, thank you." "Okay, thank you so much." "How much do I owe you?" "Oh, no, no, stop." "It's on me." "Are you sure?" "Thank you." "Oh, tell him his uncle wants to see him in his office." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, absolutely." "I'll give him the message." "Look what I got." "Oh!" "Dude, what did I tell you?" "Am I a player in this town or what?" "Are we not living the dream right now?" "Are we not?" " Yeah, man." "Yes, we are." " Unh." "By the way, your uncle wants to see you in his office before we go." " My uncle?" " Yeah." "Oh, we gotta go." "Ladies, bye." " Get up." " You're leaving?" "Zack." "Zack, what's wrong?" "Why are you freaking out?" "We're having a great time." "Look, we gotta go." "Let's go." "Oh, wait, wait." "I, I, I..." "I don't think we're supposed to be back here." "Okay." "Listen, Allan." "Allan, we can't go back out there, all right?" " Why not?" " Because I lied." "What?" "Lied about what?" "It's not my dad in prison, all right?" "It's my dumbass brother on some bullshit joyriding charge." "I don't even have a dad." "What do you mean you don't have a dad?" " Everybody has a dad." " No, I have a dad." "I'm just saying that I don't know my dad." "Then who is Joe Celisco?" "Oh, he's some, like, a hotshot Mafia guy." "He's in prison with my brother." "What are you talking about?" "Dude, enough with the questions." "Mafia guy?" "My brother told me if I came here and I said I was Joe Celisco's son," "I can get whatever I want." "Didn't say anything about an uncle." "How could you do this to me?" "I'm sorry, but we are wasting valuable time right now." " We need to do something." " Like what?" "I don't know." "Find like an emergency exit." "Or a trash chute or something." "A trash chute?" "We're behind the bar." " Ow." " Fix this." " Fix it." " Okay." "You ladies weren't planning on leaving, were you?" "Come with me." "Now!" "It's not that fucking complicated." "You dig a hole, you drop the fucker in, you fill the hole back up." "Is that so hard?" "Huh?" "Is that beyond your capabilities?" "If it is, then I'll do it myself with my bare fucking hands!" "My apologies, gentlemen." "Doing some landscaping." "Nothing extravagant." "Ornamental trees, shrubs." "A minor water effect." " Sounds really nice." " Yeah." "How long do you think something like that should, uh, take?" "Mr. Celisco asked you a direct question." " Two weeks?" " Maybe three." "Two weeks." "Maybe three." "I've been dealing with that clown landscaper for the past six months." "The planting season for the magnolias, that is gone, that is finished." "My imported ficus are turning black as we speak." "Did you have something you wanted to say?" "No?" "Good." "Let's, let's talk about you." " Now." " What?" "You, being a fucktard of epic proportions, decided it was a brilliant idea to impersonate the son of my beloved and incarcerated brother in order that you could party in my VIP room." "And you, being a fucktard-in-training, thought it was a good idea." ""I think I'll go along for the ride."" "Aphids." "What did you call Mr. Celisco?" "Your ficus probably has aphids." "Oh, so that's..." "It's okay, Larry." "Fine." "They suck the sap out of the leaves, and that's what turns them black." "Oh, really?" "Well, how do you get rid of them, hotshot?" "Spray them with water." "Are you fucking with me?" "Because if you're fucking with me," "I'll take your head off." "I'll shit down your neck." "No, I would never," "I would never, I would never do that." "There are some commercially available pesticides but spraying them with water does the trick." "And it's much more environmentally-friendly." "Yeah, yeah." "I hate that chemical shit." "I mean, we don't own the Earth, do we?" "We're, we're merely its caretakers." "Yada-yada." "Yeah." " Ha, ha, yeah, yeah." " Yeah, yeah." "You just spray it with water, and the bugs fall off the plant, two or three times..." "Hold that thought." "Yeah?" "Shut up." "Shut up." "Now, listen, I got it from good authority that it is aphids, right?" "Aphids fucking with my ficus." "Now I want you to spray them with water, very aggressively, right now." "Ye..." "We didn't think of that." "We didn't think of that!" "Okay." "They're on it." "So..." " You can go now." " Right now?" "Right now." "What the hell." "Larry, have somebody turn on my porn." "Allan, that, that was genius." "What you did up there, that was amazing." "Aphids are common." "Now, you got a gig with Celisco." "It's like..." "No, no, no, I don't know how comfortable I'd feel actually gardening for the Mafia." "What, what are you talking about?" " You're connected now." " Maybe." "No, you are." "Plus, I got the Bliss, so we're good." "We make a pretty good team, am I right?" "Yeah." "I guess we do." "My man." "Hah." " Oh, my God." " Let's go." "Get down on the ground." "Right now, do it." "Down on the ground, now." "Do it." "Unit 4-1." "I've apprehended two white males in flight." "Ha-ha." "Suckers." " Zack, get rid of the Bliss." " I can't." " You dirt bags on paper?" " What?" "Are you on parole, fucknuts?" "No, no, no." " What is this?" " Ow." ""Stay true." "Stay cool." What's this?" "I can explain what that is." "We're two virgins, and that is our field trip permission." "No, there is no two." "He is a virgin, I am not." "Okay?" "I had sex on..." "Unh." "Okay, okay." "Okay." " You holding anything?" " Wait, wait, that's not ours." "Stay there." "Stand up." "What's not ours?" "Come here." "Get up against the wall." "Come on, it's okay." "Hey, what's not ours?" " Nothing." " Nothing." "Do I look like a fucking tool to you?" "Don't say anything, Allan." "We can jail." "No, we cannot jail." "We can." "It ain't no thing, brother." "Please, I, I need a lawyer." "Okay, now, it's okay." "Walk with me." "Hey, stand up, buddy." "Come on, come on." "So I just want you guys to know, I'm totally cool." "You guys holding?" " No." " No?" "Look, it's okay." "I'm, I'm looking to party." "I don't understand what's going on right now." "This whole badge thing, it's actually just a paycheck." "I'm actually writing a children's book." "It's about human body parts." "It's a pop-up book." " Oh, oh, hello, what's this?" " I can explain what that is." "It's a multivitamin." "It's gingko biloba." "It's for old people." "Really?" "Did you just put that in your mouth?" "Oh, this is awesome." "Totally not cool, you guys holding out on me." "Wow." "So, listen, I mean, unless it's illegal to have herbal supplements, we could probably go, right?" "Yeah, or I could probably shoot you right now and I could grudge fuck your scalps." "I'm kidding, I was just..." "Lighten up." "So I'm gonna actually have to confiscate your stash." "And, uh, I called this in, so I'm gonna have to turn you over to an adult." "Who do you want me to call?" "Ah, I'll take it from here, officer." "The next time I catch you two running around hopped up on elderly vitamins in my district, you're done." " Am I clear?" " Yes, sir." "Get in the bus." "Now." "What if we don't want to?" "It wasn't a question." "They're virgins." "It's..." "Allan, we need to go." "The bus..." "Is it because I lied to my mother?" " What?" " I lied about going on a trip." "Now we're going on a camping trip." "This is how it works with mothers." "It's the law of the universe." "I don't know how it happens." "There's no explanations." "Did you forget that your mother is at home banging a hobo?" "Will you stop it with the hobo thing?" "I've asked you so many times to stop that." "It's what she's doing, banging a hobo." "Unh." " Hey, Allan." " Hey, Brittany." " Everything all right?" " More or less." "Allan, seriously, we need to get off the bus right now." "I still have the Bliss." " Where?" " I suitcased it." "You stuck it up your ass?" "What's up?" "Boss man, I'm gonna get out of here." "Off the bus." "Where do you think you're going?" "I just said I'm gonna get off..." "I gotta get..." "No, God." "There's been a huge misunderstanding here." "There's been no misunderstanding, young man." "I informed the peace officer that I'm responsible for you." " We're gay." " Excuse me?" " You and I..." " No." " This guy, we're gay." " No, no." "We're always super gay, all the time, 24/7." "He's just making up stuff because he wants to get off." "It's not true." "The other night, he showed me his penis." "What?" "No, no, you looked at my penis." "It's okay, I've known for a long time." "As long as you keep your hands to yourself, and don't have any "hidden agendas,"" "you're more than welcome to join us this weekend." "My fervent hope is that this weekend will be a transformational one for you." "No, no, excuse me." "I don't need to be transformed." " I'm not gay." "No, I'm not." " Because we're gay." " Because we're gay." " You're not listening." " Mango, mango!" " Mango." "Gentlemen, this is completely unacceptable." "I'm a lesbian." "I've known since I was 6 when I tongue-kissed Joanne." " Brittany, sit..." " Mango!" " Sit down." " I'm gay." "Brian, goddamn it." " Mango." " Oh, my God." " Mango." " Mango." "Oh, this is happening right now." "Mango, mango, mango." "Mango, mango, mango." "Thanks for being gay, Allan." "Oh, it's cool to be gay, Brittany, if you are, but I'm not." "I'm not gay." "Why were we saying mango?" "That was our safe word." "The one that I thought we've agreed upon to say when one of us were feeling uncomfortable." "You're right, I'm sorry, dude." "I'm totally sorry, okay?" "Dude, you're gonna thank me for this someday." "I'm gonna thank you for this?" "Do you mean the someday after I graduated from high school, which for the last year and a half" "I will spend outed as gay?" "Which would be fine if I was, but I'm not." "Is that the someday that you're referring to?" "Yes." "What is done is done, son." "Okay?" "Are you serious?" "Are you serious right now?" "Is that all you could say?" "No." "I can actually tell you one other thing." "All due respect, between you and I, you're gonna have to bring your A-game to the twins, okay?" "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Girls like a good kisser." "And you are just all teeth, man." "If you threw some tongue in the mix." "If you mix it up..." "You don't think I'm a good kisser." "No." "You're decent." " You forced yourself on me." " Stop, stop." "Okay, stop." "You're here, let's bring it here, goal." "But..." "I got the Bliss." "All that matters." "Oh, we're gonna need another bag for that." "Do you think that for once you cannot slam the door?" " I didn't." " Yes, you did, you always do." "Okay, I will not slam the door." "If you break something, you're paying for it." "Because, thanks to you, my Volvo fund is out the window." "Dude, it is a car." "Shit does not just break." "Yes, it does break, especially if you keep slamming the door." " Oh, my God." " No, no, no." " Oh, shit." " Oh, don't." "No, no, no." " Go." " God." "Damn it." "That was fucking awesome." "That was awesome?" "That was awesome?" "Do you have any idea how much time and how much money I have put into this?" "They violated my Volvo." "It's a mirror." "Okay." "Allan, you need to relax." "You're completely losing sight of the big picture." "I can't do this anymore." "This is way too much." " Dude, please, get out." " Seriously?" "What the hell." "It's not about the Volvo, Allan." "It is about you seriously needing to grow a pair of balls." "I might talk a lot of bullshit but at least I get shit done." "Friends are supposed to be there for..." "No, friends are not supposed to get them almost killed by gangsters." "Or out them to the whole school." "If it wasn't for me, you'd be camping with a bunch of virgins right now." "At least I'm not some burned out loser whose only contribution to society is to pretend like you're some ghetto-blasted gangster." "A topic which he obviously knows nothing about." "You know why?" "Because you don't have a father, that's why." "Ow, Allan." "Ouch, okay?" "You know what?" "I want my thunderpants back tomorrow." "You put them on my mailbox because we are done talking." "I will leave them on your front door, my friend." "Oh, excuse me, I forgot, your front door is a couch because you're too freaking stupid to know that it doesn't go in that way." "Wow." "Okay." "You know what?" "I want my thunderpants back right now, motherfucker." "I just want to let you know that I wish you were here." "And if you decide to never talk to me again," "I I want you to still keep the elephant underwear to remember me by." "Oh, and, Madeline said she wants to touch your penis." "Her words not mine." "Okay, bye." "Hey, what are you doing here?" "Uh, hi." "Um, my name is Joe Smith." "I'm just wondering if Allan was here so we could hang out or something." "It's nice to meet you, Allan." "I'm Ted, a friend of your mother's." "We're, um, how do you young guys say it, uh, fuck buddies." "No." "I don't say that like ever." "Hey." "I care about your mother, okay?" "Do you want like a towel or something or like pants?" "I like to air dry." "You know, to go au naturel." "You know what I mean?" "You feel me?" "No, I don't." "I don't feel you." "' "I wish you were here."" " Yahoo." " Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, Kenny and Evan." "Oh, my God." "I have to go." "This never happened." "We never met, ever." "I gotta save Zack." "Okay, we're good." "It's not but..." "We're good." "Phone's dead." " Love to do this." " Yeah, be quick." " What are we waiting for?" " Oh, what's wrong?" " Nothing." " Why don't you call him again?" " You can use the phone." " No, I don't want..." "No, let's just..." "Let's just do it." "Did you guys got into a fight?" "No, he just freaked out a little bit." "He's a super nice guy, and you guys kind of like scare him, you know?" " But maybe he's gay." " And that's totally cool." "Yeah, because being gay is totally fine." "If you are." "But he's not, he's not gay." "Yeah, he's just really uptight." "Otherwise, he's a super, super cool guy." "I wish he was in front of me just right now." " Okay, let's..." " Party." "And now..." "And now we can kick your Lambachan ass." "Shit." " No, no, no." " You're dead." " Leave him alone." " You can't just barge in here." "Shut the fuck up." "Man, we can talk about this." "Where's he going?" "Ow." "Ow." "What the hell are you wearing?" "Why, do you like it?" "I can get you one if you want." "Maybe like a rooster or a penguin?" " Stop, stop." " I hate you, stop it." "Okay, all right." "Okay." " Ah!" " No snappy comebacks, huh?" "You want a comeback?" "You have to scrape me from your mama's mouth." "What the hell?" "What the fuck is that?" "Uh, isn't that the bumper of your car?" "That isn't my car." "It's my mom's car, man." " She's gonna kill me." " Hell, yeah." "Stupid pieces of shit, let's do this." "I said let's fucking do this." "It's prison rules, motherfucker." "Come on, hit me." "What did you do to my mom's car?" "Fuck your mom's car, you stupid motherfucker, with my fucking Volvo." "You're fucking crazy." "I'm fucking crazy?" "I'll show you fucking crazy." "I'm gonna play your ass like fucking tether ball." "From now on, I'm gonna park my Volvo wherever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, is that understood?" " You think so, huh, boy?" " Sh..." "My boy Allan asked you a question." "Why don't you answer?" "Mr. Allan, whatever you say, buddy, sounds good to me." "I'm glad we could clear that up." "Get lost." " Thanks, Larry." " My pleasure, kid." "See you Thursday after school." "Full landscaping consultation." "Oh, absolutely." "Absolutely, we'll be there." "Ladies, stay off the pole." "Allan, that was amazing, man." "You seriously connected with your inner badass." "That had to be the coolest thing I've seen in my life." "Dude, I'm sorry about everything, like..." " I'm sorry too." " It's all good, brother man." "Most important thing is we're finally back together." "Friends?" "Yeah, friends." "Ha, ha." " Come here." " Ha, ha." "Ladies, what did I tell you?" "He just needs to loosen up a bit, right?" "That was amazing." "Ha, ha." "Oh, you know, I try." "Oh, excuse me," "I think there's some business to take care of with a thing called Bliss." "Hmm." "No!" "Fuck me." "Shit!" "You know what?" "This is okay." "We can just go get some more." "No." "No, we cannot get more." "You know, just because the Bliss is gone, does not mean you have to leave." " We don't?" "Really?" " Not unless you guys want to." "Ladies, will you actually give us just a really quick second?" " Sure thing." " We'll be right back." "Go, go, go." "We've got a fucking problem, man." "Okay." "All right, listen." "I was thinking we use Bliss to kind of loosen things up, so let's just go back to the club for a second." "No, Zack, we could not go back." "We can't." "I'm nervous." "What?" "You?" "You're nervous?" "Man, come on." "Come on." "What about all those chicks you got with, man?" "What about your pubic hair teeth beard?" "I kind of made all that up, so..." "So you've never been with a girl before?" "No, that's not what I'm saying." "I've definitely been with a girl." "Once." "And I was really drunk, and she kind of forced herself on me." "Then she broke up with me the next day." "Why would you make up stories like that?" "When I came here," "I decided I'm gonna be the cool, badass dude who just fucks a lot of chicks, man." "So if you want to be the cool kid why would you hang out with a loser like me?" "Dude, you are not a loser." "And you are good with who you are." "No." "I mean, I'm like an old person who's stuck in a 17 year old's body." " I drive a pink Volvo." " No, it's salmon." "No, fuck that." "It's pink, man." "Look, I admit, I need to get out more." "I need to get out with you tonight." "Okay, maybe not like tonight." "But you know what I'm saying." "Come on, boys." "Yeah, come show us what you got." "Okay, seriously, I can't do this." "You're just experiencing some minor performance anxiety." " I get that, but it's..." " Close your eyes." "Think of the hottest thing you've ever seen in your entire life." " Okay, your mom fucking that..." " Okay, stop." " Open your eyes." " So?" "Let's just do this." "Seriously?" "Yeah, seriously." "Come on." "Okay." "Do we have a safe word?" "Actually, you know, it's funny..." "No." "Fuck that." "Fuck safe words." "We'll just fake it until you make it?" " You want the kiss?" " Yeah, you like this?" "You guys wanna go with that?" "Are we really gonna do this?" " I guess." " Ha, ha." "Okay." " You guys first." " Yeah, let's see." "Come on, Zack." "Harder, harder, Zack." "Push harder." "Oh, God." "Almost got it." "Just pull a little to your left." " Oh, God." " Oh, yeah." "Okay, here it comes." "Pull out, pull out." "Oh, we got it." "Here it comes." "There we go." "That was the best night of my entire life." "Yeah." "Me too." "So what do we do with tomorrow?" " Allan, we need to talk." " Mom, will you knock?" " Can you please wait...?" " Honey, honey." "I have to get this out, honey." " I have a boyfriend." " Ted." "Yeah." "How did you know?" "Mom, I totally totally get it." "You deserve some you time." "Hey, why are you even here?" "You're supposed to be on a camping trip." "I didn't go camping." "I took down the base boys of my high school." "I got a job with a Mafia boss." "And I lost my virginity to twins." "Girl twins." "What?" "What's so funny?" " You're making fun of me." " No, I'm not." "I'm dead serious." "Okay." "I know, honey." "I know I can be overprotective and suspicious." "But I trust you." "I really trust you." "I trust you too." "You're a good kid." "Mafia." " You hungry?" " Yeah." " Waffles?" " Yes, please." "Mango." "You know, we should actually go to like a club this weekend." "You can get into clubs?" "Are you kidding me?" "We get into clubs all the time." "Actually, we don't." "No clubs, nothing like that, no." "No." "Yeah, we don't." "We actually don't get into clubs." "Yeah, hi." "Uh, you guys are located on the Strip, correct?" "No, I wanna be in the heart of Vegas, know what I'm saying?" "I'm looking for like the biggest suite." "So if we could get one with the name penthouse and that'd be fantastic." "Quick questions." "Uh, first of all, uh, how's the sound in the room?" "I'm hoping for a little extra padding." "There's gonna be a lot of sexual intercourse going on." "Public intoxication, that's okay?" "Okay, cool." "How about naked intoxication?" "Because I'm planning on swinging my thing around quite a bit." "Oh, yeah, also, do you have a masseuse on call?" "Awesome." "Do they give happy endings?" "Yeah, let me..." "Let me snag it up for you." "All right, the name on the card is Allan Wright." "And the number is..."