" Give it back." " No way." " Give it back." " No way." "Look out, Mom, she's a wild woman." "Okay, stop it." "Both of you." "Now, what did I tell you about disturbing your father this weekend?" "Well, in a nutshell, you told us not to." "And if you did?" "You'd hang us by our thumbs in the basement." "That's right." "Now, get me the rope." "Dad, I'm confident when you hear my story..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I was wrong." "Dad, I tried to tell Ben to be quiet, but did he listen?" "No, he persisted..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I was wrong." "How's the paper coming, honey?" "I agree completely, but don't worry, you'll get it done." "Now, how do you want your eggs?" "I'm sorry, I think we're out of Tabasco." "I'll find some." "I'll find some." "Here, take this." "This'll get you started, and I'll bring the rest out in a minute." "Mom, did you just wax this floor?" "Because I picked up an incredible amount of speed..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I was wrong." "Here." "Now, Jason, go back to work." "I'll take care of it." " Mom, it was an accident, I swear." " Mike, this is your last warning." "If we catch you skateboarding in the house again... you'll lose your phone privileges, your stereo... and your allowance for two months." "Mom." "Okay." " Oh, hi, Richie." " Hi, Mrs. Seaver." "Oh, no." "Richie, didn't you collect for the paper yesterday?" "Oh, this isn't a professional visit, Mrs. Seaver." "I'm here..." "Richie, I told you to meet me at the library." "Well, I just thought, I mean, in light of our new relationship and all... that we could work here." "Relationship?" "What are you guys now, like boyfriend and girlfriend?" "Kind of going steady?" "Didn't she tell you?" "Carol and I are married." " What?" " It's a social studies project." "Yeah, we have to work out a budget for a married couple." "A simulated married couple." "Come on, guys, I can feel the love in this room." "So, what brought you two kids together, anyway?" "Destiny." "And the fact that I paid off all the other guys in class... so they wouldn't pick you." "What?" "Richie, you bought me?" "Yeah." "I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way." "That's it." "I am not doing this project with you." "Now, out!" "If we don't turn the paper in Monday, we get an F." "I can see the headlines now:" ""Carol Seaver gets an F. Nation in shock." ""President to fly back from Santa Barbara."" "Mike." "Come on, Richie, let's get this over with." "Ready when you are, dear." " Isn't that cute..." " Not another word." "Hey." "Thanks, honey." "Just set it on the desk there, please." "Okay, sure." "Listen, Jason." "Why don't you take a break?" " We could have a little chat." " I can't, honey." "I've really got to get this done." "Oh." "But how about a short break, and then we could talk..." "Maggie, no, I've really got to finish up here." " But don't you think a little conversation..." " Maggie." " What do you want to talk about?" " Who?" "Me?" " Oh, nothing." " Okay." "Gosh, look at this picture of the kids." "Mike must have been about eight years old." "Wasn't he a cutie-pie?" "I believe the word his second grade teacher used was "devil boy."" "Oh, come on, he sent her a card in the hospital." "Yeah." "Oh, and look at Carol." "She was always such a quick learner." "Yeah." "That's why she's got alphabet soup up her nose." "Yeah, little Ben." "He was always such a happy baby." "Yeah." "I remember the way he used to laugh every time he'd fill a diaper." "Yeah." "You know, I was over at Ellen Harper's the other day... and I saw Jessica take her first steps." "It was so exciting." "I would think so." "The girl's 17." " You're thinking of Marjorie." " Marjorie, yeah." "Anyway, Jason, you should've seen it." "Jessica stood up on her chubby little legs... and took three chubby little steps... and then fell on her chubby little face." "Jason, do you ever think about having another child?" "Oh, yes, I do, Maggie." "Sometimes I even dream about it." " You do?" " And then I wake up screaming." "Maggie, I know what you're going through." " You do?" " Yes." "It's a syndrome... and it's very common among women your age... who suddenly feel the urge to have one more baby." "Well, what's wrong with that?" "Well, nothing, except you've just gone back to work... and we'd have to add a room onto the house." "Anyway, I thought we already had the family we wanted." "Come on, Jason, those are just rationalizations... but stop and think about it a minute." "Can you give me one real reason why we shouldn't have another child?" "Wait here." "Okay, next we have to go over the basic home expenses... water, heat, gas, electric..." " Are you with me?" " Till death do us part." "Hey, I haven't seen you crazy kids since you got back from the honeymoon." "Hey, Richie, did you have any trouble finding a hotel... that would take pets?" "Mike." "No, it's all right, Carol, I'll handle this." "Mike..." "I'll have to ask you to take that back." "No, no, Richie, don't get me wrong." "I mean, Carol's a great catch." "And as soon as she's cleaned, scaled and deboned, she's fine." "And now I'm warning you, Mike." "Nobody talks to my simulated wife like that." "Simulated or not, I love her." "Oh, now see what you done?" "Honey, don't cry." "Your Richie's coming." "What, are you crazy?" "Mom told you not to do that." "What are you gonna do?" "Tell on me?" "I'm kicking it around." "How you gonna prove it?" "Oh, I don't think evidence will be such a problem." "Ben, Ben, Ben." "What can I say about you that hasn't already been said?" "That I'm about to become a rich man." "Look, Ben, you got to take the rap for me here." "Now, you're a first-time offender." "Mom and Dad'll only make you pay for the window... and I'll pay you back for that." " That, plus $30." " $30?" "Overhead." " Ben, I don't have that kind of money." " I'm sorry to hear that, Mike." "Hey, what's going on in there?" "Ben, you're my brother." "I love you." "Okay, Mike, I'm gonna cut you some slack here." "Because, after all, money isn't that important, is it, Mike?" "No." "No." "What's more important is what one human being can do... for another human being." "Right, right." "That's why I'd like you to be my personal servant for the weekend." "What?" "You little..." "What was that noise in..." "Hey, who did this?" "Is that a skateboard?" "Okay, I'll do it." "Mom, Dad, I know this is unbelievable, but..." "I was fooling around on Mike's skateboard, and the thing went flying." " You did this, Ben?" " Yeah." "And I'm really, really sorry." "Well, sorry just isn't good enough, Ben." "That's gonna come out of your allowance." "And if we ever catch you skateboarding in the house again... you're gonna discover the true meaning of the word "sorry."" "Well, I'd better clean up that broken glass." "All right, little bro." "We handled that pretty well." "Freeze, sleaze." " What?" " I believe we had a little arrangement." "Wait a minute, Ben, you didn't take that little joke... about the servant business seriously, did you?" "Oh, Mom." "I ought to... pamper you silly." "I have my figures ready." "We're still way under budget." "Richie, you've got $0 down for entertainment." "I kind of figured we'd have home entertainment." "How do you think we got 11 children?" "Eleven children?" "I don't believe it." "I mean, first you buy me, and then you turn me into a baby machine." "I thought that's what we both wanted." "That's it." "I'll tell you what I want." "I want a separation." "We're dividing the budget into two separate households." " What about the kids?" " You keep the kids." "You'll be hearing from my attorney." "God, she's cute when she's angry." "Your sandwich." "Oh, dear." "What do I see here?" "Ben, it's just like you ordered, three parts peanut butter... one part marshmallow, a dollop of cream cheese... topped with one and a half raisins." "Yes, but I still see a speck of crust." "You know my feelings about crust." "Okay, I'll cut it off." "No, Michael, that just won't do." "In the state I'm in, I'll need an all-new another sandwich." "A new sandwich?" "I see salami and cheese, and a tangy French mustard." " I ought to..." " Oh, Mom." " Okay, okay." " "Okay, okay," what?" "Okay, okay, Lord Ben." " Mind if I sit here a second?" " Sure, fine, sit." " You know, I've been thinking..." " Sure, fine, think." "About that summer home on Squam Lake... you know, maybe we should hold off putting down that deposit." "Sure, fine, hold off." "Because if we stay home this summer... maybe we could add that new room onto the house." "Sure, fine, add a room." "I was thinking we'd need an addition because..." "I might be having a baby." "Sure, fine, have a baby." " A baby?" " Now, I'm not sure yet." "The doctor has to call back at 2:00 with the test results." "A baby?" "Jason, I didn't tell you sooner because I knew... you needed to concentrate on your article, but then..." "I got so nervous waiting for the doctor's call..." "Maggie, do you know what this means?" "It means we're having a baby." " You mean you're glad?" " Glad?" "Maggie, "glad" doesn't begin to describe how I feel." "I feel... really glad!" "But Jason, I thought you didn't want to have another child." "Well, that was before I got to know him." "Oh, honey, it's so weird that this should happen now... just when I started back to work." "I guess I'II..." "Well, I guess I'll just have to quit my job to be a mommy." "No." "No, no." "Don't you see?" "It's different this time, Maggie." "I'm already home." "I'll be the mommy." " I guess that rules out breastfeeding." " No..." "Yeah." "But I can do everything else." "I can bathe him, I can burp him, I can change him." "I'll guide his destiny." "This is my chance." "This is my chance to recapture all the things I've missed with the other kids." " Like their crying all day long?" " I'll wear earplugs." " Like tons of dirty diapers?" " I'll wear nose plugs." "3:00 a.m. Feedings?" "Maggie, if you're gonna have a negative attitude about this... it's a good thing I'm raising this kid." "Well, if that's the way you feel about it, have your own darn baby." "I could if I wanted to." "Maggie..." "I want to have your baby." "Oh, Jason, that's sweet." "Baby, baby, baby, baby" "Hi, Carol." " How's it going?" " Fine." "How are things with you?" "Carol, you gotta come back." "I can't make it alone on my budget." "Hey, you've got just as much money as I do." "I've got all 11 kids." "We live in a shack." "All we have to eat is fish food." "Richie, I think you're getting a little carried away here." "Hey, I think I'm entitled to get a little carried away for my $60." "What are you talking about?" "Well, that's what I had to pay to get you as a partner." "But, Richie, that's crazy." "I mean, that's a lot of money." "Money isn't everything, Carol." "I would've paid $600 for you, if that's what it took." "That's the sweetest... and most borderline psychotic thing anyone's ever said to me." "Hey, that's just the kind of guy I am." "But I guess that's not good enough for you." "Look, Richie." "Maybe we can arrange a simulated trial reconciliation... until Monday." "Carol, welcome home." "Wait till I tell the kids." "Your Rambo doll clothes are ready, your most exalted Ben." "Oh, Michael, we are not pleased." "Rambo's crease here looks terrible." "How's the man supposed to defend our country in wrinkled pants?" "Oh, my cookies are ready, Michael." "And I like them hot." "Right." "Channel 7, Mike." "My cookies, Michael." "I could swear I smell them burning." "Right." "The phone, Michael." "Seaver residence." "Home of the Royal Ben..." "Jennifer, hi." "Jennifer?" "I said, no personal calls." "Ben, that was Wonderbuns." "Hello, Wonderbuns?" "Big Ben here." "Mike is not available..." "Mike, what do you think you're doing?" " I'm revolting." " No argument there, Mike." " Why, you little..." " I'm gonna tell Dad you broke the window." "Well, I'm gonna tell Dad you're a blackmailer, you little gangster." "Well, Dad's gonna ground you." "Well, Dad's gonna ground you and spank you." "Hold it right there, you two." "You boys look so cute, I gotta take your picture." "Hey, you remember when you guys were just little babies... how we used to play Pat A Cake?" " Yeah." " That was big time fun." "What do you say we play a quick game right now?" " Yeah, that's good." " Lf I were you, I'd get in on this." ""Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man" ""Bake me a cake as fast as you can"" "Boys, you're both grounded until further notice, okay?" "Smile, come on." "Pat a cake, pat a cake." " I'm finished." " That's great, honey." "I knew you'd finish your paper today." "No, not my paper." "I couldn't concentrate on my paper." " I have a list of baby names." " Oh." "Here's my first choice." "This is distinctive, it's commanding... it's noble." "It's Julius." "Julius Seaver?" "Not bad, huh?" "I got plenty more, just in case." "Just in case of what?" "Well, just in case he turned out to be a comedian." "Sid Seaver?" "And if he were an all-American, everyday kid." " Beaver Seaver." " Beaver Seaver." "Jason, what if he's a girl?" "Uh-oh." "I better get back to work." "Jason, I was thinking that if it's a girl, that we could name her..." "Rebecca." "Rebecca Seaver." "That's pretty." "I like that." " I hope she looks just like you." " Me, too." "Because she'd look kind of silly with a hairy chest." " That's him." " Don't answer it." "We've both got to be on the phone at the same time." "I'll get the phone in the living room." "Hold on." " Okay, hurry." " Go." "Hello?" "Yes, Doctor." "Uh-huh." "I see." "Yes." "Well, thank you for calling, Doctor." "Well, I guess it's all for the best." "I mean, I wasn't really ready to go through all that again." "And it wouldn't have been fair to ask you to take... so much time away from your practice." "I mean, I guess..." "I guess it just isn't the time." "You really wanted to have a baby, didn't you?" "Yeah." "I guess I did." "Well, I did, too." "I guess we could look at this as good news and bad news." "Bad news is that we're not going to have a baby right now." "And the good news is that we can keep trying to have a baby." "Even if it takes weeks." "Or months?" "Yes, the important thing is that we keep at it." "Well, I'm willing to do my part." "All right, the party's over." "Let's get to work." "Ben, give me my skateboard." "Not until you get my underwear down from the roof." "Very impressive, honey." "I might even go so far as to say that your paper is brilliant." "Go so far, say it." "What do you say we celebrate over dinner?" "Good idea." " Yes, your Momness." " Yes, your Dadness." "We'll have two club sandwiches." "Just a hint of mayo, on whole-wheat toast." "Oh, and hold the crust." "You know how we feel about crust." "ENGLISH"