"I end my seminars with this idea of a "reset button"" "and I have couples stand up and apologize to each other." "And often times couples will ask me:" ""How can I keep that going?"" "Well, the only way you can really keep it going is to learn to say" ""I'm sorry."" "What's amazing is that a lot of these couples when they're repating what I'm telling them to repeat it's the first time they've ever apologize to each other!" "Some people really have a hard time in this area." "I never, never quite understood it," "I mean, I I apologize to people a lot." "Because I mess up a lot." "I can't imagine these people, they must live such perfect, sheltered lives and they it must be wonderful to be them." "That they never make mistakes?" "That they never are wrong?" "They never do something stupid?" "That they never have to say "I'm sorry"?" "Man, it must be wonderful to be you!" "Of course I've been facetious." "It's gotta be horrible to be ..." "What, that's gotta be horrible be around you." "It's really what it's gotta be." "You need to learn how to apologize." "You make a mistake, you do something, you hurt somebody you need to say "You know, I..."" ""I'm sorry."" ""You know, you were right."" ""I was wrong."" ""I'm sorry."" "The hardest words in the world for some people to say." "If you can keep that going you can keep that "reset button", that "reset button" of forgiveness that keeps setting things straight going in your life." "But... you've got to say it." "If you don't say it, it's really hard to forgive people who don't who don't ask." "Now, which brings to the next question:" ""What if they never ask that they're sorry?"" "Then you still need to try to forgive them, I mean, that's the hardest kind of forgiveness." "The harderst kind of forgiveness is forgiving someone who won't ask for it." "But just for your health you need to forgive him." "Even if he's so stubborn or she is so stubborn and hard-hearted, and she won't ask for forgiveness if they're that proud." "Forgive 'em anyway." "That's my advice." "You know, grab the "reset button" and push it anyway even though they don't want you to push it." "But my advice is man, your life will be so much better if you will just learn to say" ""I was wrong."" ""I apologize."" ""Let's try it again."" "Do I think it's OK to use sex to get what you want?" "It's kind of a loaded question." "I mean, the reality is, it is OK to use everything to get what you want," "I mean, that's what the relationship is give and take." "It's all part of this." "If you think that you can have a relationship where there's automatically giving without anybody investing anything." "You're living in a fantasy world." "Lot of guys they're like that." "They treat their wives horribly, they ignore them constantly, they never talk to them." "And they they wonder:" ""How come I don't get any sex?"" "Well, because you're a dope, that's why." "You're just always something somewhere." "Well, there's a trade off in relationship." "Somehow when there's this trade off concept people feel that is being pollutive, women primarily think it, that's polluting." "But that's why I talk about bordering, in my seminar, you know." "Yes, it's OK to use something to get something, there is nothing wrong with that." "Now if you're doing it in an abusive, manipulative, backstabbing, destructive way, then of course, then you don't even need to ask the question." "Then that's wrong." "But don't think it's weird to use things to get things." "This is a healthy thing." "And the best thing is being very open and honest about it." "Then you're not manipulating." "You say:" ""Hey baby, I'll give you this if you give me that"." "You know, whatever the deal is then there's no manipulation." "There is no dishonesty involved." "There is give and take in all relationships." "If you have a husband who never pays attention to you and the only time he pays attention to you is when he wants to have sex, this is not a good thing." "You need to start standing your ground a little bit in getting this man involved in your life." "I talk about this when I talk to women about the whole idea of give and take, about the idea of, you know, conditional relationships versus unconditional relationships." "How a lot of Christian women believe that unconditional love means you should have an unconditional relationship that no matter what, no matter what he does, no matter how he acts" "I should just put out for him, no matter what." "That's pure nonsense." "God loves us unconditionally but he demands a conditional relationship." "I mean, you want God to answer a prayer?" "You have to ask Him." "That's conditional." "You know, "aaa", here's the kicker." "Jesus says:" ""God knows what you need before you ask Him."" "But now wait a minute, if God knows what I need before I ask Him, and He wants to be sure I have everything that I need, before I ask Him, then why do I have to ask Him?" "Because that's the condition." "There are conditions involved." "You want God to forgive you, you have to apologize." "You want God to draw close to you, the Bible says, you have to draw close to Him." "There's all kinds of conditions in relationships." "An unconditional relationship where you require nothing of anyone is a formula for disaster." "If you're having sex with a guy or a woman who never does anything for you at all, you need to reevaluate yourself, that is not a healthy relationship." "Now the Bible says we should not deny each other but as I said in my seminar just because you have conditions, it doesn't mean you're denying anybody." "You know, you need to start getting that person involved in your life." "In my seminar I talk about this whole idea of" ""The Initiator"." "Who initiates sex?" "This is one of the biggest fights couples have and struggles couples have and as I said in my seminar" "I cannot emphasize it enough:" "Who cares?" "It doesn't matter who instigates it." "I'll tell you, in virtually every relationship there is one person that is the inititiator." "And it's almost always that way." "You have one person who is much more interested in sex than the other." "Sometimes it's the wife who is more interested in sex than the guy." "Those guys actually they had the biggest struggle because they feel really bad 'cause she thinks: "Well,"" ""it's the guy, he's supposed to initiate sex."" "Says who?" "Well, you know, just because that's how most people are." "Just, whatever your relationship is just take it and go with it." "Quit tryin' to put some cookie cutter over the top of it." "If sometimes your wife initiates sex, sometimes your husband, great!" "God bless you both!" "Wonderful!" "If you're in the relationship where you're the only one who initiates all the time, who cares?" "It's not a contest." "As long as you're both happy, and you're both being sexually fulfilled." "Now part of this struggle comes because so many men have been exposed to the pornography today." "And quite frankly, it don't even have to be pornography." "Just regular movies, just look at the TV commercials, I mean, the picture is of women who want sex." "I want it, I want it, I want it!" "After a while the guy's thinking:" ""How come my wife never"" ""acts like that?"" "Well, first of all, she's not being paid to act like that." "And that word is true - act is not reality." "Get that nonsense out of your head." "It doesn't matter." "A lot of people will ask me:" ""Well, how can you not talk about healing?"" ""You know, that God can heal you"" ""from sexual damage?"" "Well, I believe God can heal anybody from anything." "I have no problem with that." "But I think, sometimes, we're little bit too quick to just tell people:" ""Don't worry,"" ""you know, you shouldn't do that, but"" ""it'll be OK, God will heal you."" "Not everybody gets healed." "And it's a cavalier attitude, that's not healthy." "It's like me saying to my children:" ""You shouldn't play on the roof"" ""but if you do play on the roof"" ""and fall off and break all your "" ""arms and legs"" ""that's OK, God will heal you."" "Well, you never think like that!" "But you know, that's the way the Church acts!" ""Yeah, you shouldn't have sex before marriage,"" ""and I know you can have damage,"" ""but don't worry, God can heal you."" "For some people, yeah, they might just instantly get healed their arms and legs and get all straightened out right away a lot of people will end up having a lot of painful surgery from breaking all their arms and legs" "some people might struggle to walk because when they were kids they kept falling off the roof and breaking their legs." "That's the reality of life." "So I am all for healing according to your faith, let it be done unto you," "God can do wonderful things of healing in your heart and in your life." "But, you know, the reality is not everybody gets that kind of a miracle." "And let me add this as well:" "It is interesting that the Bible talks about human beings being made up of three parts just like God is Father, Son and Holy Spirit." "We too have a body, we have a soul our mind, our intellect and then we have a spirit." "Our spirit is instantly changed when we come to a place of faith." "That's why it's referred to as "being born again"" "it's like something happens to you." "Physically God can touch and transform you and do miracles in you physically as I just mentioned." "But, you know, it's interesting when it comes to the mind," "Paul encourages the Christians, he says: "You need to be transformed"" ""ďn your mind."" "But how, Paul?" "How do I do that?" "You just lay hands on me and God's gonna instantly change the way I think?" "No, he says, you need to be transformed by the renewing of your mind." "You need to change the way you think." "And it's interesting that a lot of the sexual damage that I'm talking about, isn't really physical damage, I mean, sometimes there is, that's really the easy healing." "It's the soul, it's the mental part of our heads." "And the Bible doesn't talk the whole lot about instant healing in your head." "It talks about you changing the way you think, be renewed deliberately and intentionally." "And that's what I'm talking to couples about." "Those who've struggled in this area because of damage they picked up before they got married because they got involved in the sexual things before a lot of it's all here!" "And there is no burst of change-all solution to that." "You need to change the way you think and just startin' with the fact and you need to understand that it's not gonna be easy, you're gonna have to work on it to get to where you want." "That's what I'm trying to do for couples." "Now, some people ask me:" ""What do I do if sex gets boring?"" "Well, first of all, sex is boring to you?" "Isn't that a little odd?" "I mean, we're saying "sex"." "If you say "sex" and "boring" in the same context, something's probably not right." "And you need to pursue that." "Now a lot of people use that in the context of pornography, usually, take it to the bank, usually if someone's bored with sex and complaining about sex in that way they've got their head in the toilet somewhere" "looking at pornography and pornography will ruin sex for anybody." "It's not a healthy thing." "You can't." "Nobody looks like that." "Nobody does that kind of stuff." "Nobody is this "animal passionate"." "These actors are acting out." "In these porn things a lot of people who have porn addictions they're destroying their own sex life." "The very thing they want they're not going to get if they use porn." "You need to get some help." "And for those couples that are struggling with this usually a guy, sometimes some women as well." "But the spouse of the person who's addicted you need to understand something." "It's an addiction, just like a heroin addiction." "Just like alcohol addiction." "It's not gonna make you feel good you'll feel bad when there's a sexual addiction involved in it." "You know, help your spouse through it and if you're addicted you need to get some help." "I've talked to people who have been addicted to porn and who are also addicted to heroin and alcoholism who told me:" "All their addictions the porn was the hardest one to get rid of." "Think about that!" "Heroin addiction!" "Say it's easier to go cold turkey on heroin than on porn." "That's how addictive pornography is." "It's a destructive, evil thing that will ruin your life." "And if you're caught into that you need to get out of that mess." "And if you're really stuck in it you're gonna need some help." "Now we have a programme on our website that you can do online." "It's called" ""Pure Online"." "If you go to our website, you'll see a link there where you can sign up for this 30-day programme where you can interactively using your computer, for something positive for once, to help you break the problem of sexual addiction." "But it's hard." "It's gonna be hard, just like kickin' heroin." "And people who go cold turkey they they describe this almost the worst physical situation they'd ever go through." "And than these same guys say it was harder to give up porn, I mean, that's how bad porn is." "And the spouses have to be patient." "You need to do something, you need to go cold turkey, but what you need to understand fundamentally is, what you're wanting, which is great sex, porn will keep you away from great sex." "It'll make normal sex boring to you, it'll make it passe." "It's sad." "Make it to point when they can't even perform physically because they're so used to be stimulated, highly stimulated by these porn images." "I know men who insist on having dirty magazines open while they're making love to their wives." "I don't know how they manipulated that out of the woman but they do." "Why would they do such a thing?" "Because they're so addicted they can't perform unless they see these images." "Man, if you're in that place, you gotta realize you've got a serious problem." "Both of you gotta realize there's a serious problem involved and you've got to get help." "And this time that you stop dumping on your wife or your husband or whoever is doin' it and using your addiction as a way to criticize the other person:" ""You're not sexy enough!"" ""You're not this enough!"" ""You don't do that enough!"" ""You don't turn me on enough!"" ""You're boring!"" "It's not your spouse's problem, you've got the problem!" "You need to change, you need to stop!" "You need to get some help." "Sometimes people will complain that they don't think their husband turns them on enough or wife turns them on enough." "I'm not sure exactly what they mean by that." "There could be lots of reasons for that." "It could be the result of pornography." "Pornography makes real sex unrealistic and it can ruin it for you." "There might be something physically wrong." "Remember, sex is an appetite." "It would be like physically if all of a sudden you said:" ""I don't wanna eat anymore!"" "Well, there's usually something wrong." "I guess that's my point if you really don't have any interest in your spouse sexually, you're not interested in sex at all, you owe it to your spouse." "You don't have the right to ignore your spouse sexually." "If you have absolutely no interest you need to check and see what's wrong." "It might be a physical problem, it might be a physiological problem, it might be an emotional problem." "Whatever the problem is, you need to check it out." "It might be an addiction problem." "Pornography or drugs or alcohol and it is lots of reasons." "Healthy normal people want healthy normal sex." "That's just the bottom line." "If that's missing, there might be something wrong." "And I can't answer all those questions," "I am not a doctor nor am I psychologist or psychiatrist." "I am just me." "But if you get into that kind of situation, you really ought to to look and see what's wrong." "There might be sexual abuse in the past." "And a lot of times people ask me:" ""And what about sexual abuse?"" "Again," "I'm not the smartest guy in the world." "I don't have all the answers for everybody." "In extreme circumtances and situations if you're in a relationship and you're dealing with an extreme circumstance and extreme situation you need to go and get help." "I can say this   that for you, not to do anything about it is wrong." "You can't just not do anything about it." "Just say "Well, I'm not interested in her"," ""I don't want to anymore"." "Your spouse tries to get you to get help and you just say "No"." "That's wrong." "You don't have the right to do that." "You're part of this person's life." "And if something's not healthy, if something's not right, you need to go find some help." "I will say this that it's very possible that there is nothing physically wrong with somebody with a sex problem." "A lot of times sex problems are really relationship problems, there is relational problems." "And, you know, at least you need to answer the question and settle the question if there is something physically wrong." "If there's not then it's this probably lying more in an emotional place than in a physical place." "Sometimes someone will ask:" ""What do I do when my husband wants sex all the time?"" "Well, if he literally wants sex all the time, there's something wrong with him and you might wanna go check that out with the doctors." "But I think what they mean is:" ""Why is he constantly coming back for sex?"" "Because sex is an appetite." "It always comes back." "You can't just say:" "you know, "Hey, I fed you lunch yesterday."" ""Why you're back today?"" ""Why don't you wait for a next month?"" ""Then I'll feed you lunch again."" "Well, because they need to eat." "You know, it's part of the appetite." "Obviously, it's not as bad as actually physically eating, you don't need sex three times a day." "You know, I'm sure for some people that would be great, but, you know, something you don't need it, but the sex drive, the sex need does keep coming back, it always comes back, it's always coming back." "And actually it's a good thing." "As I point out at my seminar, particularly for men." "This is God's way of constantly reminding you:" ""Be nice to that girl,"" ""or you ain't get any."" "And sometimes it's the woman, sometimes it's the woman that's strong in this area, not the guy." "Well, it's same true for her   it's God's way to let her know:" ""Pay attention to the boy."" ""Be nice to the boy."" "You take away, really, you take away the sexual appetite." "What is the fundamental motivating factor to put a man and a woman together?" "So they can be buddies?" "So they can watch TV together?" "I mean, I know women are more to fight on:" ""Marriage shouldn't be about sex."" "But I'm telling you, sex is the foundation." "You take that away" "I don't think we'd spend all that time working on our situations with women, that's the main deal." "You know there's a cause and effect in everything in life." "And relationships are equally as true." "You only get something because something happens." "If you go to work that's why you get a paycheck." "You don't just show up and get a paycheck." "You have to work for it." "There's a cause and effect." "Sadly, we're living in a in a time when people are not getting that today." "And it's getting worse." "I mean, there's literally people who don't understand why they don't get paid for their job even though they don't do anything." "They're thoroughly confused, they don't get it." "How come I'm not getting a raise?" "How come...?" "I'm not getting moved up the ladder?" "How come...?" "Well, because you don't do anything!" "Because you're not working!" "Because you're not contributing!" "There's cause and effect." "Why isn't my marriage getting better?" "It should just get better, just because, she should give me, just because, she should do something, just because." "No, there's cause and effect in everything." "In relationships, in your job, in every area of your life." "If you don't put anything into something, you're not going to get anything out." "A lot of people when it comes to their marriages, quite frankly, when it comes to their spiritual life, when it comes to even their jobs, they're like a farmer who sits in front of their land" "and wonders why the corn isn't growing." "You know, he hasn't put any in." "And he looks at all the farmers around and he says:" ""Well, that guy over there has good corn growing,"" ""he has a great marriage,"" ""he has a great relationship,"" ""how come that guy got a raise?"" ""How come all this and this...", you know" ""How come mine isn't?"" "Because you haven't planted anything!" "You need to put in to get out!" "And to think that putting in to get out is a manipulative wrong thing man, you're crazy!" "The whole concept of planting and reaping is completely based on a concept of you'll get something if you put something in." "That's perfectly normal." "When I talk about sex to couples" "I'm very careful to point out that one of the things that can mess it up for you is if you've been very sexually active before you get married." "And I talk about some of the damage and stuff that can result from being sexually promiscuous before marriage." "But I want to stress that it's not the end of the world for you." "It's not like you can't have a great sex life." "You can." "You can have a wonderful sex life." "It's just that, for a lot of you it's gonna be just a little more difficult." "You're gonna have to me a little bit more deliberate." "It won't come as easy and natural for you had you've waited." "That's why God encourages people to wait." "It's not like 'cause He is a prude, it's not 'cause He is against people havin' a good time." "He knows we're not wired that way." "We get into this stuff, we pick up all kinds of struggles that we can deal with for the rest of our lives." "But it's not that it's hopeless, it's just that you need to be more deliberate, guys are gonna need to be more deliberate." "They can't keep closing their eyes and fantasizing back to some lustful scenario." "It's destructive." "You'll never get to great sex life doing that." "And women can't have an attitude of "Gee, sex doesn't mean anything."" "It means everything in a relationship!" "It might not feel that way because of what you've been through in the past, but you're going to have to be more deliberate about it." "Can the effects of excessive pornography and masturbation and all that sort of thing, can these things be reversed?" "Yes." "But it's really hard." "It's really hard." "But yes, you can reverse these things." "And you're gonna have to go cold turkey, you're gonna have to really even retrain your body." "I mean, some of you guys who have been watching porn and masturbating" "3-4-5 times a day since you were 13 years old." "And then you wonder why you can't perform with a woman." "That's why." "You need to retrain your body." "You've gotta relearn things." "And the only way you're gonna get there is you're gonna have to go cold turkey on that stuff and relearn how to have sex in a normal way." "And I promise you it'll be one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life." "That's why we've got to warn our kids." "These idiots that are telling our young people that great sex can be had by masturbating and looking at porn and all that stuff." "It is such a lie!" "It is destroying these young people's lives." "It has a potential to rack some of their sex lives forever!" "We need to warn our kids, there's a reason to stay away from this stuff." "It is poisonous, it is destructive, it is not helpful." "And those of you who are already into it and you want to get out of it it's gonna be a very difficult road for you." "But yes, you can turn this around." "Self-image is very important." "And in my seminar I have a lot of fun at the women's expense on the you know, "I'm too fat, I'm too oily, I'm too greasy" and that whole thing." "But let me say something to the guys about self-image." "It's very important that you help create a positive self-image in your wife." "Not only your wife but your children as well." "You need to be the protector of that home." "Now if you ask most guys:" ""Are you the protector of your home?"" "Most of them will say:" ""Absolutely!" "Someone tries to break into my house at night" "I've got a bat and I'll bust him over the head or I've got a shotgun in the closet and I'll blow him away." "Well, lovely, lovely, lovely, BUT there's more to being a real man than protecting your family from you know, some prowler in the middle of the night." "You need to protect your familiy's spiritual and emotional well-being as well." "And what's sad here is that a lot of men not only do they fail to protect their family from emotional onslaught they are the greatest offender." "While they should be the one protecting their family, they terrorize their family by saying horrible critical things to their wives, to their children." "You know, "You're not good enough, what's the matter with you?" "You're awfully fat, you're ugly, why don't you take care of yourself?" "You know, you're always a failure." "I know you've got a B+ you should've got an A."" "And they're just being horrible!" "And then they wonder why their wife feels terrible, wonder why their kids feel terrible, wonder why their daughters are shacking up with the first boy who pays attention to them." "Why?" "Because you have not been there for them." "You need to be a man." "You need to be the protector of your family." "That means more than just keeping bad people away." "That means you need to take care of their self-image, their emotional state and well-being as well." "You need to be a man!" "Quit walking around, you know, just because you think you're a big tough guy, that's not enough." "A real man truly protects his family." "You need to be there for them." "Probably the biggest baloney excuse men cough up to why they ignore their wife and children is because" ""I'm doing this for US."" ""I'm going to work..."" ""...for the next five years and ignore you entirely, because..."" ""..." "I'm doing this for us!"" ""And I've got to put all this time in..."" ""...for us!"" "Really?" "I mean, what you're doing in most cases is you're destroying US!" "If you're concerned about US, you need to be paying attention to US.." "...and not just to your job." "You say: "Well, then I won't climb up the ladder fast enough."" "Well, then slow down!" "It's not worth it." "It's not gonna make any sense for you to spend all this time paying attention to your job and then to lose your family." "And I've seen this over and over again." "Men who put such a high priority on financial security and ignore their family at the same time." "Man, how can you be so dumb?" "I'll tell you what, you'll end up getting a divorce, you're gonna lose your financial security." "It makes no sense to want to try and secure your financial future by working all the time and ignoring your wife." "You'll whine up losing everything!" "It makes no sense, think it through:" "If you truly want financial security you have to pay attention to the girl." "You have to go back for the girl, you have to go back for your family." "Because if they decide they have had enough you're going to lose 50% of everything." "You're gonna this whine up spending all this money in child support and alimony and..." "It makes no sense." "It is a foolish, strictly on a financial level alone, it is completely foolish to work completely your job and ignore your family." "To say: "I'm doing this for our financial future"" "is stupidity." "That's like saying:" ""I wanna build our future" and spending as much money as you can at the same time." "It makes no sense." "You cannot get there from here." "You can't get to a secure financial future by ignoring your family." "You've got to make them part of it." "If that means slowing down climbing the corporate ladder." "If that means slowing down from the amount of commitment you can give to the job." "Then so be it!" "I promise you, if you slow down, make sure you keep a healthy relationship with that woman and those children then in the end you'll be along much further financially than all your buddies who were working like crazy" "and now are on wife 2 or 3 and are paying alimony and lost everything and divorces..." "They might make "a lot more money" than you." "Doesn't matter what you make the matter is what you keep." "And if you'll go that path you're not gonna keep much anything." "A good example is what I do for for couples in this "Laugh Your Way"" "seminar I do." "It would be easy for me to say to my wife:" ""Deb,"" ""why don't you just let me go"" ""we can cut down on expenses"" ""I could save one half the airfare and the meals and stuff"" ""you stay behind"" ""and I'll build this organization"" ""and then after 3-4-5 years"" ""then you could start coming along with me."" "I would never do that!" "I would never do that, because that doesn't make good financial sense." "Because doing that creates a tear in the relationship." "I'll be travelling all over kingdom come, she's not with me." "There's a good chance in 5 years I won't have" "Debbie with me anymore!" "And then I lose everything." "It just makes no sense!" "Some people think, you know, they're helping their relationships by ignoring their family." "They're not." "The smartest thing I can do for my financial standpoint is to assume the expense of bringing her everywhere I go." "That gives me a safe financial future." "Do spouses need to do the same things together all the time?" "No, they don't." "I mean you should try find some things that you like to do together." "You know, some activities, I think, but and each couple will be different." "Some couples do a lot of things together, other couples hardly do anything together and they're completely happy." "Who cares?" "And again, don't compare yourself to other couples." "This isn't a contest." "You don't always have to do everything together." "The truth is even though you love each other deeply you might have completely different interests." "So what?" "You can still have a happy life." "I think some of the couples that really struggle are mostly the ones who are "trying"" "to be this couple that they do everything together and they share everything together and they go everywhere together and lalala." "First of all, very few people they can hold up under those circumstances and a state like that as well." "Secondly, I just think it's unrealistic." "There's gonna be things that your spouse would love to do that you wouldn't want to do." "I love to golf." "Not a big thrill for my wife." "She doesn't like golfing." "My wife loves to shop." "Not real big on my list." "I just, I don't care for that, I don't like it, I hate it." "No, I do it sometimes, because I want, you know, be on her good side." "And if I asked her to come golfing with me and insisted, than I'm sure she would." "But I don't really want her to." "She's not that good." "And that's just we're gonna spend time, that kind of golfing, spend time hanging out." "That's great, but if I'm about to trying' to play a serious game of golf on a court with a lots people behind us." "I hope she goes shopping so I can go golfing and that's fine." "It is vitally important that women not tryin' analyze the intention of their husbands' hearts all the time." "And again they're very quick to do that." "It's not good enough that they did something, they want to know" ""Why did he do it?"" ""What was he thinking?"" ""What was he feeling?" "Lalalalalala"" "And your gonna make your marriage miserable doing that." "The Bible says not to judge." "What is judging?" "Judging is when somebody does something you don't know why they do it and then you give the reson why." "That's judging." "Someone does something." ""Why did he do that?"" ""Well, because he's a big fat jerk, that's why!"" "Well, you don't know that." "You don't know what he was thinking, you don't know what that person was feeling." "It's not of your stinkin' business!" "Don't be giving the reason for other people's behavior." "Let their behavior stand on its own." "You don't need to be sittin' there analyzing everything all the time." "That's judging and that's when you get yourself into a lot of trouble." "There's a man who're trying to do things for their wives and get discouraged because even when they do that it's not good enough because, they didn't have the right attitude, or the right feeling" "or they didn't glance at their wife just right when they did it." "Oh, man, that's a hard way to live." "You're gonna discourage any man like that." "Leave the motivations of his heart to him and to his God." "And leave him alone." "Now, that's not to say you can at times ask him about you know, his feelings and stuff." "Lots of luck with that!" "Most guys are real big on to delving into their inner another regions to express their feelings but, you know..." "Judge a man by his actions, that's an old saying." "Men like being judged by what they do and don't tryin' analyze me." "If you want to judge, if you feel compelled to judge, then judge in the positive way." "If he does something assume he did it for the best possible reasons." "Now that's something that people usually don't do, you see because when we judge it's usually the worst possible reason." ""Why did he do that?"" ""Yeah, he just wants something out of me."" ""Why did he say you are pretty?"" ""Ah, he just wants sex."" "Well, you know, oh, just mean, you know if you're gonna judge, judge the best, assume the best." "You'll find it, it's going to be much easier just not to judge at all and leave that alone." "If you've asked the man a lots of times to do something and even after 15 years he still doesn't put away his laundry and "shouldn't he know by now?"" "I don't know, I suppose if he doesn't, what are you gonna do?" "Sit and you're gonna be miserable?" "What's your alternative?" "That's the thing" "Women keep throwing" ""What about this, what about that?" trying to shoot my theory down" "Well, their theory is nothing works!" "O, come on !" "You know, keep goin' for it" "I remember, I talked about how to train a man" "If you give a man the right kind of feedback" "Generally, yes you can get him to do stuff toward your not constantly having to ask" "But again this is not a fool-proof formula for success each and every time" "The other thing you have to remember is a... men are long-term projects" "It's not a quick-fix" "If you've been married just a few years and you're sayin':" ""How can I get him to do this what I want?"" "It's just 'cause you haven't been married long enough" "Keep workin' on that guy" "What else are you gonna do?" "Be miserable and frustrated?" "Just, keep workin' on him" "The good news is women can generally get a man to where they want him" "They just need to remember it's a long-term project" "You know, they need to think 20-30 years." "How can I get my husband to be like everybody else's husbands?" "They're so nice and kind, and considerate" "First of all, you don't know what's goin' on in that other house" "And you don't know what those house's businesses are really like" "I have come to experience that some of the worst marriages are some of the ones that look the prettiest on the outside" "Why?" "Because, they're just as plastic as they can be." "Don't judge and compare your relationship to other people's relationships" "First of all:" "They're not you they'll never be you they don't even wanna be you" "So, you know, don't do that" "You shouldn't compare yourself to anybody quite frankly" "You now, the Bible tells us not to do that" "I know, women struggle with that a lot" "They're constantly comparing themselves to how other women look how other's women children behave and other women...." "That's why some of them have such low self esteem" "You don't generally see guys doing' that" "You know, I don't see some really big good-looking guy going by and I think to myself:" ""Why can't I look like that?"" "We don't think anything of it, so what, who cares?" "!" "We don't have that problem" "Don't get into comparing yourself your children your relationship with your husband to other people's relationships" "All you're going to do, is get frustrated, if you do that." "I think teenagers should hear my whole sex talk." "I think teenagers should hear my whole seminar quite frankly." "There's nothing I'm gonna say that most of them haven't heard in spades." "Every once a while I ran into an adult who gets freaky because I say something like" ""masturbate" or something and they're afraid that teenagers will die if they hear this." "If your teenager lives in that much of a sheltered world and then yes, you need to approach it differently and don't give him my DVD." "But that's not most teenagers." "Most teenagers have heard about this stuff in spades and the drag is they're hearing it from the wrong side." "They're hearing very bad information, very destructive information." "Hollywood glorifies masturbating." "Hollywood glorifies porn." "Hollywood glorifies one-night stands." "They make it look wonderful and great and fantastic!" "But it is a lie from the pit of hell!" "It is not great, wonderful and fantastic." "It is destructive!" "It has the potential to ruin your child's sex life." "And no one is telling 'em that." "And if you can't tell 'em, sit them down and let me tell." "What about masturbating if we're separated for long periods of time?" "Well, two things I want to underscore:" "First of all, why are you separated for a long periods of time?" "If you've got a job that requires you to be separate from your family for a long periods of time, you need to reevaluate your job." "Now, of course, if you're in the military, and they're sending you into a war zone or some place, you know, you don't have much of a choice, that's different." "But some of you, guys, who just have regular jobs and stuff, you have a job that you're gone from your wife and your family for" "3-4-5-6 months out of the year?" "You know, you need to reevaluate that, that's No.1." "Number 2 my biggest thing about masturbating why I am so against it in marriage is in the context of two people living together and ignoring each other and instead of making love to each other they make love to themselves." "That's what I'm against." "If you're separated for long periods of time" "I understand and that's not the end of the world, I wouldn't say this." "You know, it's a short-term fix, it's not real sex." "If there's anything," "I wanna people to get through their heads is masturbating" "IS NOT real sex!" "You want great sex?" "You want real sex?" "For the love of God, stop masturbating, pay attention to your spouse." "That's the only way to get there." "Do I really have to talk to my spouse about things that do not interest me?" "Yes!" "Of course you do!" "That's just common courtesy." "If someone starts talking to you in any discussion anywhere you don't suddenly just go:" ""Ha!" "Not interested!" and walk away." "That would be rude!" "That would be insulting!" "I mean, why couples do that to each other?" "It's horrifying, I mean, just show common courtesy." "If your spouse's talking to you about something you don't really care about, at a minimum just be polite!" "And respond and, you know." "Now, if at some point it becomes so horrifying then I suppose you can say something." "I'll do that to my wife, I mean, she frequently will discuss things with me that I could not possibly care less about." "It's about something she saw at the store, this or that..." "Who cares?" "But saying: "Gee, who cares?"" "is a formula for disaster." "I'm tryin' to be nice," "I'm tryin' to be polite." "And if it's something that continues on and on and on" "I'll at some point just say:" ""You know, please,"" ""I don't mean to be rude, but"" ""I'm not interested"" ""in what you're talking about."" "And then she'll slug me or something." "And then we can start laugh about it and move on, but you know, just show common courtesy." "Men who respond to their wives in rude ways and say:" ""Naa,"" ""I'm not interested in that, you know"" "and be insulting?" "And then these are the same men who complain:" ""I wonder how come I'm not gettin' any sex?"" "Well, because you're a nitwit, that's why!" "Be nice!" "Be polite!" "Yes, you can and should discuss issues that are not of interest to you at all." "Why is communicating so hard now that we're married when before we've got married there were no communication problems?" "Well, because when you were dating that wasn't real life." "I mean, dating is the biggest bogus part of life!" "I mean, everybody's telling everybody what they wanna hear, everybody's living in this false drug-induced state of romance." "It's not real life." "You don't really discover life until you put on the ring, and you really commit to each other and you start living life together." "That's when the real challenge is comin'." "And everybody has these challenges." "And because you're so close to each other it can get difficult at times." "But, you know, there's nothing wrong." "A lot of relationships are like that, even with your children." "I mean, there's a guy, there's people who have children who are just very problematic." "Very, you know, troublesome and don't wanna behave." "But then take those same kids and put them to someone else, send them over to the neighbours or to an uncle or something and suddenly, they're the most well-behaved kids in the world." "And you think:" ""What's the deal?" "How come you don't behave that way with me?"" "Well, because they're not with them all the time." "When you're with somebody all the time it just gets harder." "You know, everything's just so connected to everything and at some point it gets to be a struggle." "But that's normal." "Why can't my spouse just say what they mean?" "Because very few people speak only after they've completely thought through what they wanted to say." "I mean, that's part of communication." "You start talking, you don't really know what you want to say." "You don't really know how you feel about things." "Again, it's just common courtesy when you're talking to your spouse don't harrow at them and say:" ""Well, just get to the point!"" ""How come, why don't you just say what you mean?"" "Well, they don't know." "They're talking it through." "That's normal." "Discussing things, bouncing ideas off, or finding someone else." "Even, you know, in my relationships around the office and in the church I frequently have to bring someone in and just start talking it through." "Kicking ideas back and forth." "What about this?" "What about that idea?" "What about that idea?" "And that's how you start coming to what you really feel about a particular situation." "So, to get on a spouse because they're not quite sure what they mean yet..." "You know: "Let me know and then we'll talk"" "is very rude and highly unrealistic." "That's how people discover how they feel - they talk it through." "If you have a spouse who never talks." "Well, yeah, you have a communication problem, I can't fix that." "They need to be realistic." "They need to talk." "They need to open up." "Now, they may not want to talk, they may not want to open up." "You might need to just talk about the not talking and find out what if there's issues." "Sometimes the reason people don't talk is because when they do, they don't feel safe, they feel ridiculed or they feel challenged, or they feel put down at some level." "And they learn" ""the safest thing for me to do..."" ""...is not to say anything."" "So, if you have a spouse who never wants to talk you need to make sure that when you do talk with them that it's safe when they talk." "You know, that you're not saying stuff, well," ""That's stupid."" ""What do you think you have head for?"" ""Oh, well, that's wrong!"" "I mean, you talk that way to me, I'm fine." "You know, my Puerto Rican blood loves an argument." "You know, I love debating' and stuff and fights." "But a lot of people aren't wired that way." "The minute you start challenging them and their ideas and their feelings at any level, they begin to shut down, they don't feel safe." "You know, we do that whole Flag Page programme with couples, you get someone with a very high "peace" score in their life." "They can be very quiet people." "Not because they don't care, not because they're not concerned." "They don't feel safe and respected to share their opinions off." "And we put them in an environment like that and they're very quiet." "I don't know if you've ever seen someone who's real quiet in some situations but then just talks like crazy in others?" "Why?" "Because in the second situation they feel very safe to be themselves." "They talk "la-la-la-la-la-la-la...."" "they never shut up." "Then you put them in a different environment suddenly they're very quiet, very reserved." "Again, they're not being mean, they're not tryin' to rob anybody of their emotions." "It's usually they don't feel safe, so..."