"I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" " What's up?" " I left my guitar here." "Okay." "No problem." "Okay." "Here you go." " What?" " You want to hang out or something?" "You caught me at a bad time." " Are you and Chandler...?" " Exactly." " Can I play for you?" " No." "Hey, Pheebs, what's up?" "You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing." "Oh, my God!" "You're getting a massage?" "You never let me massage you." "Phoebe, I can explain." "You see..." "God, I gotta get better at lying." "You said you hate massages." "Buy stamps." "Pick up dry cleaning." "Don't let Phoebe in." "How long has this been going on?" " Well, Alexandra has..." " It has a name?" "Phoebe, don't get upset." "Okay." "Oh, too late!" "I'm leaving." "Come on, Chandler, let's go." "Well, I thought I'd..." "Yeah, what the hell." "The One With the Secret Closet" "One more push." "Come on, we're almost there." "I'm happy things worked out for us and we're having this baby." "I love you." "I love you too." "I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say you're the best sex I've ever had." "That's always appropriate." "Okay, come on, one more push." "One more push." "There we go." "Here is your beautiful baby." "Congratulations." "I hope you're a better father than you are a friend!" "Joey!" " What's going on?" " Come feel my belly." " The baby's kicking for the first time." " Really?" "Yes." "You know what?" "Maybe you..." "Maybe you should come to me." "I'm not wearing any bottoms." "Oh, my God." "It's unbelievable!" "Wow, she is kicking so much." "She's like..." "Who's that annoying girl soccer player?" " Mia Hamm?" " Mia Hamm!" " It's amazing." " One hand on the sheet, Joe." "Sorry." "Hey, babe." "We got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing." "They don't like us, do they?" "Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under $6?" " Maybe we can take it back." " Where would we return it?" "How about to the street, from the balcony?" "What if they come by for a visit?" "Let's cross that bridge when they drop by unexpectedly and demand a gigantic bowl of punch." "Why don't we just find a place for it?" "In that cabinet?" "That's for canned goods." "Have you forgotten everything from orientation?" "How about the closet by the bathroom?" " Okay." "Let me do it." " No, I'll do it." "You have to relax and let me take care of things once in a while." "It's locked." "You have to help me." "Why is it locked?" "No reason." "I keep private things in there." "I've been here a while, and I've never seen what's in there." "What is in there?" "Feminine stuff." "Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!" "Nothing in there concerns you." "If you love me, you'll just let it go." " Fine." " Thank you." "Love you." "Hello, Chandler." "Lovely day, huh?" "You." "If it helps, Alexandra's only been massaging her for three years." "If!" "I said, if it helps." "Why won't you let me massage you?" "I'd be self-conscious." "You're my friend." "I'd be naked." "We lived together for years." "I've seen you naked." "That's different." "We were roommates." "And when?" "I'm curious about the human body." "You can understand why this would be weird." "I'm a professional and I'm really good." "If you're uncomfortable, we can stop." "Give me a chance." "Please?" "If it means that much to you." "It does." "How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking?" "Or how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons." " Dinosaurs." " Potato, potahtoe." "Ross, the baby's kicking." "What?" "It is?" "It's not kicking now." "Although we would love to see you do that again." "When?" "What happened?" "Last night." "I went into Joey's room, and he was sleeping." "A dreamless sleep." "My God, the baby's kicking." "That's great." "I wish I would have been there to feel the kicking for the first time." "I got some stuff going on if you want to feel." "I'll pass, but you look radiant." "I don't want to miss any more baby stuff." "Here's my pager number." "Anytime anything pregnancy-related happens, use it." "I don't care if it's 3 a.m. And you want ice cream." "Can I get a copy of that?" " Are you under the sheet?" " Yes." "Great, let's begin." "How's the pressure?" "It's nice." "Wow, Phoebe, you are good." "Stating the obvious, but thank you." " And it's not weird, is it?" " No." "That's right, you just enjoy." "Oh, yeah!" " Oh, yeah!" " Okay." "Oh, God, Phoebe!" "That's it!" "That's it, right there!" "I wasn't trying to open your closet, I swear." "Monica runs a pretty tight ship here, doesn't she?" "What are you doing?" "Monica has a secret closet." "She won't let me see it." " Why not?" " I don't know!" "What's she hiding?" "I don't know." "I'll bet it's Richard." " What?" " Well, let me ask you something when was the last time you saw him?" "Why would she keep Richard in here?" "Off the top of my head maybe she's having her cake and eating it too." "You being the "cake", Richard being the "too"." " That was off the top of your head?" " Yeah." " Or..." " And here we go." "I saw a movie where there was a door." "Nobody knew what was behind it." "When they finally got it open, millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh!" "It wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy!" "Stupid closet full of bugs!" "Joey, something feels weird and not good weird." "I don't..." "When my sisters were pregnant they got weird feelings and it was always nothing." " Really?" " Absolutely." "But we'll stop by the hospital just to be sure." "I'll page Ross." "Rach, look at me." "Everything's fine." "Trust me." "Take my hand." "Here we go." "Crushing bones!" "Good thing we're going to a hospital." "Open it." "Open it." "Watch your feet there's bugs everywhere." " So?" " She's fine." "She had Braxton Hicks contractions." "Mild discomfort in the uterine wall." "Mild discomfort?" "I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?" " Everything's normal?" " Yes." " There's no danger?" " No." "Contractions can be unnerving, but she's fine." "Thank you, doctor." "And thank you for being nice and calm." "I wasn't calm!" "I've never been more scared in my life." " You said everything was okay." " What do I know?" "I'm not a doctor." " But everything is okay." "I'm fine." " You sure?" "Yes." "I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus." "Mild discomfort!" "What's he talking about?" " Is everything okay?" " Yes." "Your page said, "Come to the hospital." What happened?" "Something called Braxton Hicks contraction." "That's no big deal." "Most women don't feel them." "No uterus, no opinion." "What's with the candy?" "I was at the concession stand at the movies." " You went to the movies by yourself?" " Mona!" " I gotta go back in there." " What's wrong?" " I just gotta..." " No, really, tell me." "What's up?" "Look, I forgot my underwear." "Thanks for bringing her to the hospital." "Don't worry about it." "No big deal." "But still, it should have been me." "I'm the dad." " Here's information on Braxton Hicks." " Thanks." "You did the right thing by bringing her in." "You'll make a wonderful father." "Hey, not as good as this guy." "He brought Twizzlers." " There has got to be a way." " Easy there, Captain Kirk." " Do you have a bobby pin?" " Yeah." "Oh, no, wait." "I'm not a 9-year-old girl." "Then why do you throw like one?" " Maybe Monica has a bobby pin." " Oh, sure, "Monica"." "So how's the inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?" "Really good." "I should be ready to kill myself any day now." "Well, you sure found that quick." "I wish I didn't feel this way about Rachel." "I wish things could be normal." "I love living with her, and helping out with the baby is amazing." "But now I think Ross feels left out." "When I took Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father." "You should have seen the look on Ross' face." "I have no idea what I'm doing." "For all I know, I'm locking it more." " You try opening it with a credit card?" " That's a good idea." "So Ross is kind of bummed, huh?" " I feel terrible." " It's not your fault." "Are you gonna not take her?" "You're doing nothing wrong." "Except for harboring love for the woman carrying his baby." "Well, there is that." "Richard, if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?" "I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing." "That massage felt so good." "No, I got that." " Can we make it a weekly appointment?" " Okay." "You should know though, I've raised my rates to $200 an hour." " Okay." " I mean 500." " What?" " 600." "What's going on?" "You make sex noises when you get massaged." "It freaked me out." "After a while, I tried to hurt you." "It spurred you on." "You're crazy." "There's nothing sexual about the noises I make." "There's nothing sexual about this?" "Oh, God!" "What are you looking at?" "I mean, hi." "That's why Alexandra wears earplugs when she gives me a massage." "It's not because she hates Enya." "This is embarrassing." "I'm never getting a massage again." "Don't let this stop you from getting massages." "I have lots of clients that make those noises." " Really?" " Well, not clients." "Lovers." "We'll try it again." "Come back, and we'll work through it." " You sure?" " Yes." " I guess." " Great!" "Now, if you'll just excuse me." "So did you hear something you liked?" "Hey, Ross, check it out!" "I learned a new trick." "If you stick one hand down your pants you're the spitting image of Joey." "Hey, I bought you some lunch." "Oh, that's so sweet of you." "Oh, yum." " Did you put pickles on this?" " Well, yeah." "What?" "What?" "Rach, what?" " What's going on?" " I made her tuna with pickle." "Pickle?" "Pickle makes her sick." "Giving her pickle is like giving me salad." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." "You okay?" "I'm fine, but someone make sure it's gone when I get out?" "I'm on it!" "I shouldn't be the one making her throw up." " It could happen to anyone." " Not to you." "You know this stuff." "I don't know any of it and I'm the father." "I wish I could be more involved, you know?" "Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna." "Can I talk to you guys for a second?" " Yeah." " What's up?" "Sit down." "I wanna talk about our situation." "Are you breaking up with us?" "The thing is because I live with Rachel, I'm here for a lot of stuff." "And Ross is missing everything." "So..." "Yeah?" "You two should live together." "Are you asking me to move?" "You don't want me here?" "No, I love living with you." "It just seems that if you're gonna have a roommate, it may as well be the father." "But, Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move in and disrupt his life." "Or he does." "I would love to be around for you and the baby." "We can just try it, like on a temporary basis." " But it's you and me." " It wouldn't be anything romantic." "I'm dating Mona." "Damn it, Mona!" "I was supposed to meet her an hour ago." "What is wrong with me?" "So, what do you think?" "Living with the father?" "It's a bit conventional for us." "You always have liked my building." "There's more room." "You could have a closet just for shoes." "Oh, you do know your audience." " I don't know." "Is it crazy?" " No." "Joey, this is a smart idea." "Well, I was due." " Let's do it." " Really?" "Rach, that's great." "That's great." "And you know what, don't worry about any of the moving." " In fact, I'll start right now." " Ross, Mona?" "Unbelievable." "Not too shabby." "I got this all off myself using my wife's tools." "Oh, my God." "How did you get in there?" "You're messy." " No!" "You weren't supposed to see this!" " I married Fred Sanford." "Chandler, you don't understand." "You know how I organize everything?" "Well, this is all the stuff that doesn't fit into any category." "So you see, I'm not messy, I'm just so organized that..." "Okay, okay, fine!" "Now you know." "I'm sick." "No, honey, you're not sick." "I don't love you because you're organized." "I love you in spite of that." "Really?" " Promise you won't tell anyone?" " Yes." "Now that I know, if I've got extra stuff, can we share the closet?" "Well..." "It's just..." "I'm afraid you might mess it up." "So Rachel's all moved out?" "How you taking it?" "I wanted to have a few beers but I got rid of those because Rachel couldn't stand the smell." "I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium." "It's a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick." " Are you okay?" " You kidding me?" "Yeah, I'm great." "I'm better than great." "I am good." "Now that she's gone, I can do stuff around here that I couldn't do before." "Like..." "I can walk around naked again." "I can..." "I can watch porn in the living room." "This is good for me." "I like being on my own." "I'm better off this way." "I'm a lone wolf." "A loner." "Alone." "All alone." "Forever." "What's a wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?" "That's it, just relax." " Come on, more." " Oh, God!" "You like that, don't you?" " Yeah, right there." " Want it there?" "Take it there, baby." " Phoebe?" " Yeah, say my name." "Say it." "And now I'm going to cover you back up." "And I won't be speaking with you for several weeks." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"