"Ladies and gentlemen." "We take pride and pleasure in bringing you the founder and president of the International Society for the Prevention, Detection and Extermination of Vampires." "Professor Cecil Havelock-Montague Ph.D., LL.B., B.A. T technical advisor on the forthcoming motion picture The Fearless Vampire Killers Or:" "Pardon me, But Your Teeth are in My Neck." "How do you do?" "There's one thing he's neglected to tell you." "Very naughty of him, too." "But, when they came to me for technical advice on this picture they took one look at me, and immediately offered me the starring part." "Very flattering, I must say." "Regrettably, we were in the middle of the open vampire season." "And I had to decline." "Now, a lot of you people laugh at vampires." "Don't you think I'm fully aware of that?" "But this is no laughing matter." "It's a serious business." "A vampire is a very nasty monster." "Now, I tell you what I'm going to do for you." "I'm going to show you the real thing." "A motion picture first." "Look at that, will you?" "Just look at that." "Isn't that a thing of beauty?" "Gorgeous." "Absolutely gorgeous." "I can assure you, you won't find a more splendid specimen this side of Schweinfurt." "Look at those cheeks." "Marvelous color." "You'd never think this chap was dead, would you?" "That's because he isn't really dead, you see." "In the daytime, when the sun is shining, they pretend they're dead." "But at night, it's an entirely different matter." "They wake up, they leave their coffins and out they go, searching for live people." "Like you and me." "This is precisely when all this biting business starts." "Please notice the flaring nostrils." "This, perhaps something else you've noticed about the nose." "Two nostrils, right?" "So that makes it not a what?" "Anyone?" "Not a Bulgarian vampire." "Don't you even know that?" "Why?" "Because a Bulgarian vampire only has one nostril." "Right smack in the middle of its nose." "That's a Bulgarian for you." "And in Poland, would you believe it?" "They have pointed tongues." "Communists." "That's some little pest." "Naughty." "Now, I'm sure you'd like to look at some pictures." "Now, this is all stuff from this unique motion picture." "Ah, yes, here we are." "Ah, we'd better stop here." "Now this is frightfully important." "I must have your undivided attention." "Absolutely, no nonsense." "You noticed, of course, the use of the ultimate weapon in vampire warfare the S-T-A-K-E the stake." "Not any old stake will do." "It must be a white thorn or preferably an aspen." "Here's the little chap we want." "And you'll need a hammer, of course, to drive the stake in." "Upwards, between the seventh and eighth ribs." "Right into the old ticker." "Too bloody for you?" "Squeamish?" "Let me remind you that a vampire wouldn't give you the right time." "One bite in the neck, and you've had it." "Go away." "Cheeky thing." "Oh." "I almost forgot." "If you should happen not to believe in capital punishment and you only wish to defend yourself against a vampire" "Missed." "What was I saying, now?" "Ah, yes." "If you only wish to defend yourself from a vampire look what we've got here for you:" "The vampire is a creature of Satan." "And simply cannot bear anything religious." "The cross will do the trick." "Here is the classic way of holding it." "Not too high, just so." "Perhaps you'd better practice when you get home." "Now, I want to be perfectly honest with you." "The cross does not, in fact, work on all vampires." "I mean, it stands to reason, if you run across a vampire of, well, shall we say some other religious persuasion." "Well, for instance, a cross would be useless on a Jewish vampire." "You do see that, don't you?" "And you'd have to be crazy to use a Star of David on an Arab vampire." "I mean, you'd only provoke the chap." "We have here some ordinary, everyday allium savitum." "What you would call garlic, I suppose." "This will make the little rascals keep their distance." "Especially if you eat a little, like this." "And then, let him have it, right in the nose." "Works every time." "Except, of course, on an Italian vampire." "Well, there you are." "It's getting rather late, and I don't feel very well all of a sudden." "Well, I think we'll call it a day." "Rest assured, you're in fine shape for the picture." "Just sit back and have yourselves a good time when it comes to your local cinemas." "Absolutely nothing to worry about." "You have my word for that." "Guaranteed." "After all, I should know." "All these years, a vampire expert, and I've never been bitten once." "Not like that fool Nadiga, that idiot." "He got it right to the neck." "No, there's nothing to worry about." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "What's the meaning of this?" "How dare you?" "Now, look here, old chap." "The late Professor Montague has been brought to you as a public service by the producers of The Fearless Vampire Killers Or:" "Pardon me, But Your Teeth are in My Neck."