"Gilbert Gottfried Dirty Jokes" "Subtitles by:" "AltoSax" "Calm down, the act is not gonna be that funny." "See, I don't want you to work yourself into a frenzy, 'cause then, when there's a joke where I really need the reaction," "then you're gonna be tired out." "And you'll go, "Eh, I gave the whole reaction at the beginning."" ""Now I've got nothing."" "Yeah, can you at least fake a giggle?" "Na." "I wore myself out at the beginning, and now, he kept revving it up, and I was applauding, and now I don't care." "I just..." "I'm sorry I ever showed up." "A man goes to a doctor." "He says, "Doctor, I don't know if my wife has TB or VD."" "The doctor says, "Chase her around the bench."" ""If she coughs, fuck her."" "A man goes to a doctor for a checkup." "The Doctor examines him, he says," ""I've got bad news." "You've got Cancer and Alzheimer's."" "He goes, "Thank god I don't have Cancer."" "A man has the words I Love You tattooed to his dick." "He goes home to his wife, the wife says," ""Stop trying to put words in my mouth."" "An old Jewish taking a walk, he sees a lamp." "Picks up the lamp, rubs it, a genie pops out." "The genie says, "I'll grant you one wish."" "So the old Jew reaches into his pocket, takes out a crumpled map and he says," ""You see this area?" "This is called the Middle-East."" ""There's been nothing but war and bloodshed here for centuries."" ""Can you do something?"" "And the genie goes, "Even with my power,"" ""I can't do anything about that area."" ""Can I grant you another wish?"" "So he says, "I've been married for 40 years,"" ""and my wife has never given me a blowjob."" ""Could you..." "Can you get her to do that for me, just once?"" "And the genie goes, "Can I look at that map again?"" "It's a convict's first day in prison." "He's a young convict and he's there crying." "An older convict sits down and goes," ""Look, calm down." "Prison is not such a bad place."" ""Like, for instance, do you like movies?"" "And he goes, "Yeah, I like movies."" "He goes, "Every Monday we show a movie on the screen."" "He goes, "That's great."" "He goes, "Do you like baseball?"" "He goes, "Yeah."" ""Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game."" "He goes, "That's terrific."" "And he goes, "You like Italian food?"" "And he goes, "Yeah, I love it."" "He goes, "In the cafeteria,"" ""on Wednesday, it's all Italian food."" "And he goes, "Eh, let me ask you one more thing."" ""Are you a homosexual?"" "And he goes, "No."" "He goes, "Ehhh, you're not gonna like Thursdays."" "A travelling salesman goes to a farm house." "The farmer goes, "I can put you up for one night,"" ""but you'll have to stay in the barn."" "So he spend the night there, the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, "Were you comfortable?"" "He goes, "I had a great time." "I talked to all the animals."" "He goes, "You talked to the animals?"" "He goes, "Yeah, I spoke to the chickens,"" ""they say you collect the eggs every morning,"" ""exactly at 5 minutes after 6."" "He goes, "That's exactly right!"" "He says, "The horse told me his name is Otis,"" ""you've owned him for 10 years."" "He goes, "That's incredible!"" "And he goes, "I spoke to the cow."" ""The cow says that her name is Elsie,"" ""and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30."" "And he goes, "That's incre..."" "And he goes, "And the I spoke to the sheep."" "And the farmer goes, "Those sheep are lying!"" "A man walks into his son's room." "He goes, "Son." "If you keep masturbating,"" ""you're gonna go blind."" "The son goes, "I'm over here, dad."" "A man takes a hooker up to his room." "He says, "How much is this gonna cost?"" "The hooker goes, "200 Dollars."" "He hand her the $200, she starts undressing." "She turns around, he's on the bed jerking off." "And she goes, "What are you doing?"" "He says, "For $200, you think I'm gonna let you have the easy one?"" "You see, 'cause it's harder to come at the second time." "It is." "It's just..." "You ladies can ask your boyfriends." "Say, "How come you just once, and that's it?"" "Basically, yeah." "It's harder to come the second." "See, 'cause this is... this is an educational joke." "When this tape is finished, it'll be shown on PBS." "Because the show will be called" ""Second time coming is..."" "An old..." "An old Jewish man walks into a church." "He goes in the confession booth." "He says, "Forgive me father, I have sinned."" ""I was working in my tailor shop, a girl came in."" ""Couldn't have been more than 19 years old."" ""Blond hair, great body."" ""All of a sudden, I started fucking her."" ""We're fucking, and we're sucking and fooling around."" ""For 3 hours."" "And the priest goes," ""You're Jewish, why are you telling me this?"" "And he goes, "Telling you?" "I'm telling everybody."" "A woman goes to a gynecologist." "The gynecologist examines her, he goes," ""What a hole!" "What a hole!"" "She says, "You didn't have to say it twice."" "He goes, "It was an echo."" "A man goes into a doctor's office, doctor examines him, finds out he has 5 penises." "He says, "That's amazing!" "How do your pants fit?"" "He says, "Like a glove."" "A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods." "This is a more tasteful one." "It's got cute animals..." "See, the thing is, I mean, the shit and the fucking and all that is distasteful, but when there're cute animals, they something, "Oh, it's cute."" "They say, "I'll take it, I'll play it for the kids."" "A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods." "The bear turns to the rabbit and goes," ""Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"" "The rabbit goes, "No."" "And the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit." "Which I thought, for myself, was inconsiderate of the bear." "Yeah, you just don't do that." "You wouldn't do it if you were taking a shit with a midget." "Wouldn't wipe your ass..." "'Cause he might start..." "Well, he'd start furling his arms and legs around." "So it's not really that you're so considerate." "A man goes into a bank." "He goes into a bank, goes up to a white haired lady by the desk." "And goes, "Yeah, I want to open a fucking bank account."" "The woman goes, "What did you say?"" "He says, "I said I want to open a fucking bank account."" "She goes, "You better watch your language, or I'm gonna get the manager."" "He says, "Why?" "'Cause I wanted to open a fucking bank account?"" "So she storms off, gets the manager, the manager goes over to the man, he goes," ""What seems to be the trouble here, Sir?"" "And he says, "I want to open a fucking bank account,"" ""for 500,000 Dollars."" "And the bank manager says, "Oh, and is this cunt giving you a hard time?"" "A man goes over to his wife and hands her 2 aspirins and a glass of water." "She goes, "What's this for?" "I don't have a headache."" "He goes, "Good, let's fuck."" "Do you know what's the motto of the Greek army?" "Never leave your bodies behind." "A man goes to a whore house." "He's only got 2 Dollars." "They say, "Well, go up to the room there, we have a dead hooker."" "So he goes, "Ok." "We've all been in that situation."" "Don't act like you'd turn it down." "You know, sure, you can scoff at it, but, well, basically, you sponged her off, and then, well..." "So, he goes up, and then he comes back down, they say, "Well, how was that?"" "He goes, "It was great!"" ""The only problem was, her nose kept running."" "And he goes, "Ahh, she's probably full."" "A woman is lying in bed with her husband." "They're lying in bed together, the husband turns to the woman and he goes, "Ah, can you please give me a blowjob?"" "And she goes, "No, no." "If I gave you a blowjob,"" ""you'd never respect me."" "He goes, "I would respect you,"" ""we've been married for 20 years."" ""Please, give me a blow..."" "She goes, "You're not gonna respect me."" "And he goes, "We've raised two beautiful children."" "And she goes, "No, I don't think you'll respect me."" "He goes, "No, I..." "I promise." "I swear to you I'll respect you."" "So finally she says "Ok" and she gives him a blowjob." "Afterwards she goes, "Well?" "Did I do it ok?"" "He goes. "How should I know?" "You're the cock sucker."" "An armless legless girl is lying on the beach crying." "A man walks along, he asks, "What are you crying about?"" "She goes, "I'm crying because in my whole life"" ""I've never been kissed."" "So he kneels down and kisses her." "Then gets up and starts walking away." "Then she's crying twice as hard." "And he comes back and goes," ""What are you crying about now?"" "She goes, "I'm crying because in my whole life"" ""I've never been fucked."" "So he picks her up, tosses her to the ocean, and goes," ""You're fucked now!"" "It just seems wrong." "Three traveling salesmen go to a farm house." "They say, "Can you put us up for the night?"" "The farmer goes, "Ok, I've got a big bed,"" ""and the three of you, I think, could fit comfortably in it."" "So they all lie down side by side and go to sleep." "The next morning they wake up and the guy on one end of the bed goes, "Boy, I had a great dream last night."" ""I dreamt a girl was giving me a hand job."" "And the guy on the other side of the bed goes," ""Wow!" "I had a dream that a girl was giving me a handjob."" "And the guy in the middle goes," ""I had a dream I was skiing."" "A man is in a bar drinking." "He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt." "And he goes up to the bartender and goes," ""I..." "I'm in trouble now."" ""When..." "When my wife finds out I got so drunk,"" ""I puked on my shirt, she'll kill me."" "The bartender says, "Don't worry about it."" ""Look, Here's what you do,"" ""You take a $10 bill, and put it in your shirt pocket."" ""Then you go up to your wife and say some other guy got drunk"" ""and he puked on your shirt."" ""Then he said 'I'm sorry, here's $10 to have it cleaned.'"" "And he goes, "I'll try that."" "And he goes back to his wife, and he goes," ""I was sitting in the bar, a guy puked on my shirt"" ""and gave me this $10 here"" ""to have it cleaned."" "And the wife looks and she goes, "He gave you a $20."" "And he goes, "Oh, I forgot to tell you."" ""He also shit in my pants."" "Two old Jewish men are sitting on a park bench." "One turns to the other and goes, "I'm so old." "I'm just so old."" "And the other one goes, "I bet I know how old."" "He goes, "You have no idea how old."" ""I can guess how old you are."" "He goes, "You're not, how can guess how old?"" "He goes, "Simple." "Stand up."" "And he goes, "Alright,"" "He stands up." "He goes, "Now drop your pants."" "He goes, "We're in a park."" ""No." "Drop your pants, I'll guess how old."" "So he opens his pants and drops them." "He goes, "Now pull you underwear down."" "He goes, "There's people around."" "And he goes, "Pull you underwear, I'll guess your age."" "He pulls his underwear." "He says, "Now bend over and shove two fingers right into your asshole."" "So he bends over and shoves two fingers in his asshole." "The other Jewish man goes, "Your 95."" "And he goes, "How were you able to tell that?"" "He goes, "You told me yesterday."" "A man goes to a doctor." "The doctor examines him and he subscribes suppositories to him." "He prescribe..." "the hell with it, he gives him suppositories." "What am I?" "A doctor?" "He gives him suppositories." "To take." "He prescribes suppositories for the man to take." "So the man goes off." "A week later he comes back, and he goes, "These aren't working at all."" "And the doctor says, "Are you sure you're taking them the right way?"" "And he goes, "Of course I am."" ""What am I suppose to do, shove them up my ass?"" "A man goes hunting in the woods." "He sees a big grizzly bear." "He takes out his rifle and opens fire on it." "The bear growls, jumps at the man, knocks him to the ground, turns him over on his belly and fucks him in the ass." "As bears are so prone to do." "Then the hunter is really angry." "He comes back the next day with a machine gun." "He sees the same bear, opens fire on it, with the machine gun." "The bear growls, jumps forward, knocks that hunter to the ground, turns him over and fucks him in the ass again." "Now he's really angry." "Comes back the next day with a cannon." "And this time sees the same bear, opens fire with the cannon." "The bear growls, leaps forward, knocks the hunter to the ground, turns him over on his stomach, and goes," ""Something tells me you're not just coming here to hunt."" "Last night I said to my girlfriend," ""You've got a tight cunt and no tits."" "She said, "Get off my back."" "I was in the car with my girlfriend." "She said, "Kiss me where it smells."" "So I drove her to New Jersey." "Two missionaries get caught in Africa." "They get caught by a tribe of primitives, the chief goes, "Alright, you've been captures in our land."" ""Now, I'll give you a choice,"" ""it's either death or Oogoo."" "And the missionaries look at each other and one missionary goes," ""Well, ah, I'll take Oogoo."" "So the chief goes, "Oogoo it is."" "And everyone of the primitives scrams the missionary, picks him up, and starts fucking him." "They're fucking him all over the place." "They're fucking him for 10 hours straight." "Then they break, have something to eat, and starts fucking him again for another 10 hours." "Then they take a nap, come back, and they're fucking him for 15 hours." "And they're fucking him and cuming in his mouth and all over his face and his body, and they just shoot, they just totally caked up with cum," "and then they just drop him to the ground, caked with cum, after these primitives were fucking him, did I mention that the primitives were fucking him and shooting cum on him." "Shooting cum!" "And you call these primitives people?" "I beg to differ." "They fucked him for god knows maybe two days straight." "In the ass, in the mouth, and came all over him." "This is not something that I care to understand or sympathize with." "Well, after this is over, the chief turns to the other missionary." "And he says, "Now you have your choice,"" ""either death or Oogoo?"" "And then he goes, "I choose death."" "And the chief goes, "Well then death it is."" ""But first, Oogoo!"" "Three fags are in a hot tub." "All of a sudden a large blob of semen floats to the top." "One fag turns to the other and goes," ""Ok, who farted?"" "Alright." "That one was a little distasteful." "Sometimes you go over the edge there." "A little boy accidently walks into the bathroom and catches his mother in the shower." "And the mother is standing there, terrified." "The little boy goes, "What's that?"" "She goes, "Oh, em..." "Well, last night,"" ""your father and I got into an argument,"" ""and he got really mad, and hit me with an axe."" "And the little boy goes, "Wow, he hit you right in the cunt!"" "A man goes to a doctor, as so many men do in these jokes." "They either go to a doctor or go to a farm house, it's one or the other." "They never seem to go to the movies or any..." "They go to like a farm house or a doctor." "That's they world they live in." "He goes to a doctor." "It's a man he goes to a doctor and he says," ""Doctor, I've got a really embarrassing problem,"" ""I seem to be letting off these silent farts."" "And he goes, "Ooo, there goes one now."" "And he goes, "They are really smelly and disgusting"" ""and they're just silent." "Oh!" "I let off two."" ""I just keep letting off these silent farts."" ""Ooh, I let'm two in a row."" "And he says, "What's wrong with me?"" "And the doctor goes, "Well, first of all,"" ""you're going deaf."" "A woman gets into a really bad car accident." "The man rushes from work over to the hospital." "The doctor comes out, he goes," ""Sorry, it's really bad news."" ""Your wife was in a horrible car accident."" ""Her face and body are totally mangled."" ""She'll be crippled and paralyzed from the neck down."" ""She's gonna need 24 hour care"" ""of which your insurance is not going to pay for."" ""You're going to have to wash her, and feed her,"" ""and keep turning her over in case she gets bed sores,"" ""and rubbing ointment on her,"" ""and you'll have to change her pretty constantly,"" ""'cause she'll have no control over her bladder or bowls."" "And the man breaks down crying and the doctor goes," ""I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."" "A little boy says to his mother, he goes," ""Mom, where the babies come from?"" "And the mother goes, "A stork brings them."" "He goes, "Yeah, who bring the... who.."" "Ehh, the hell with it." "A little boy..." "I'll just tell it to this side of the room." "A litt..." "All of a sudden I'm turned into Alan King." "A little boy" "A little boy is talking to his mother." "Bill Cosby would, "A little boy..."" ""He's talking to his mother..."" ""Then he goes Oooooo!"" ""He walks up behind her, Oooooo"" ""Bends over..." "Oooooo"" "A little boy is talking to his mother." "He goes, "Mom, where do babies come from?"" "She goes, "They come from a stork."" "He goes, "O yeah?" "Who fucks the stork?"" "What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker?" "A fucking know-it-all." "A polish kid comes home from school." "He goes, "Mom, today the teacher asked a question."" ""I was the only kid that could answer it."" "The mother says, "That's great." "What was the question?"" "He goes, "Who farted?"" "Because he was talking to his mother." "This is a little kid talking to his mother." "And you are saying you are a better person than he is, 'cause, he's talking to his mother." "All of a sudden you are sitting there going," "I would never talk to my mother about how I farted in a classroom." "Or if Jerry Seinfeld said it," "A boy... says" ""Mother, a question!"" ""Where the babies come from?"" ""Where do babies come from?"" "Five years old, where do babies come from?" "The mother says, "They come from a stork."" "The little baby goes," ""Who fucks the stork?"" "A man comes home to his wife." "He goes," ""Honey, pack your bags." "I just won the lottery!"" "And she goes, "What should I pack?"" "He goes, "I don't care." "Just pack and get the fuck out."" "A guy is fooling around with his girlfriend." "She goes, "Stick your finger in my cunt."" "As so often happens." "Most guy are here going, "Do the girls actually say that?"" "Did I actually let you fool around with that bitch..." "So they're fooling around, the girl goes," ""Stick your finger in my cunt!"" "Why she's yelling, I have no idea." "Why she's yelling like an 80 year old Jew," "I have no idea." "I think that could kill an erection pretty quick." "If a girl..." "I don't care if she looks like Pam Anderson," "If a girl is a..." "You're fooling around and goes," ""Stick your finger in my cunt!"" "I don't think..." "But anyway, he says "Ok."" "So he sticks his finger in her cunt." "This is..." "I'm acting." "I studied with Marcel Marceau in Paris for a few years." "And this is the first..." "'Cause I asked Marcel Marceau, could you teach me like walking in the wind?" "No, no!" "First thing I'll learn, sticking you finger in a cunt." "And he goes, well what about, you know, pulling a rope?" "And being inside a box?" "No, no." "Sticking your finger in a cunt," "Monsieur." "Because he's French." "And he goes, "Sticking your finger in the cunt,"" ""Monsieur."" "Oui, oui." "So he sticks his finger in the girl's cunt." "Then she goes, "Stick your whole hand in my cunt."" "So he sticks his whole hand in." "She goes, "Now stick you other hand in."" "And he sticks his other hand in." "Now she goes, "Move your hands up all the way to the wrist."" "He's up to his wrist in her cunt." "See, this is also from Marcel Marceau." "And she goes, "Now move your arms all the way to the elbows."" "And now it's up to the elbows." "Then she goes, "Move you arms all the way to the shoulders."" "He's got both his arms in her cunt up to the shoulders." "She says, "Ok, clap."" "And he goes, "Mmmm..." "Mmmm..." "I can't"" "And she goes, "Tight, ha?"" "That's the way she was smiling." "She was just..." "My girlfriend said, "Fuck me 8 inches and hurt me."" "So I fucked her twice with 4 inches and punched her in the nose." "Three old Jewish men are talking." "One says, "Ah, I tell you,"" ""every morning at 8 o'clock,"" ""I go to the toilet, I take my wee-wee out,"" ""I'm trying to, nothing." "I'll stand for an hour,"" ""if I'm lucky, a little trickle, a drop will come out."" "The other old Jew goes, "Ohh, I've got it worst than that."" ""Every morning, 7 o'clock, I'm seating on the toilet,"" ""and I'm just straining and straining,"" ""praying a tiny bowl movement would come out."" "The third Jew goes, "I've got it worst than both of you."" ""Every morning, 8 o'clock,"" ""I take a big piece of the big shit."" "The other two say, "So what's wrong about that?"" "He goes, "I don't wake up until 11."" "What is the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?" "Einstein's cock." "See, you learn about historical figures too." "There's bears and rabbits, that's cute." "And there's historical figures." "That's always good." "People always enjoy a good historic..." "Dracula walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water." "He takes out a tampon and deeps it in." "The bartender says, "What are you doing?"" "He says, "I'm making tea."" "A man is fucking a girl with the biggest cunt in the world." "This is a clean one." "He's fucking her and all of a sudden his heaps are going into her, then his legs, then he just slips right in." "His whole..." "He falls inside her cunt." "He is..." "He's roaming around, he reaches for a flashlight," "And..." "How and where he'd got a flashlight from, when a guy's fucking it's like," ""Oh, yeah, Why I'll bring a flashlights."" ""Of course, it makes sense."" "A guy is fucking a girl, he's naked and he's got a flashlight." "But he's walking around inside of her cunt with a flashlight." "All of a sudden he trips and falls and he loses his flashlight." "Now he starts to panic, he's running all over the place." "And all of a sudden he bumps into something." "He hears, "Ouch, why don't you watch where you're going?"" "He goes, "You're stuck here too?"" ""Help me find my flashlight." "We could walk out of here."" "The other guy says, "Help me find my keys,"" ""we can drive out."" "A little boy comes home." "He says, "Dad." "I got my first blowjob."" "The father goes, "How was it?"" "He goes, "Tasted awful."" "I can drink water." "Well, how do you get a faggot to fuck a woman?" "Fill up her cunt with shit." "Not only amusing, but excellent advice." "A family is having breakfast." "The mother turns to her two sons, she turns to the first son, she goes, "What would you like for breakfast?"" "He goes, "Emm, I like some fucking French toast."" "She says, "What did you say?"" "He says, "I want some fucking French toast."" "So she takes a stick, starts beating him with it." "And she's spanking him and then that father jumps up, take his belt off and he whips him for half an hour." "Then the mother goes up to the other son." "She goes, "And what would you like for breakfast?"" "And he goes, "Well, I sure don't want the fucking French toast."" ""I don't want the fucking French toast."" "Well, I got one more quick one." "Do end it sweet." "A talent agent is seating in his office." "An all American family walks in." "A father and mother, son and daughter, a big fluffy dog." "The family has blond hair and blue eyes and bright skin." "And the talent agent look up and goes," ""Alright, let's see what you do."" "So the father drops his pants and takes off his shirt." "He's totally naked." "He undresses his wife, start fucking his wife on the floor." "Then the son drops his pants, takes his shirt off, and his sister, also, takes all her clothes off." "The son and the daughter start fucking on the floor too." "And the dog is pissing on them." "Then the mother turns around and starts blowing the son." "The father starts fist fucking the daughter in the ass." "And the father, just for your information, is an ex-marine, who has really muscular arms." "The type with the tattoo of a battleship on it, and, you know, he looks like he just ate a can of spinach, type arm." "And he's fist fucking the daughter in the ass, as the daughter is licking out her brother's asshole." "And the brother at the time, he's chewing on the dog's balls." "Now, the dog start fucking the mother." "And he's fucking the mother while the mother is eating out the little girl's asshole," "while she is fist fucking her brother in the ass." "Yeah, I know, if you're not keeping up with it," "I'll start at the beginning." "It's important, if you miss any part, then the joke makes no sense." "Then the father starts fucking his son in the ass, as the son is eating his mother's cunt, as the mother is eating the daughter's cunt, as the daughter is blowing the dog." "And with his big fist, the father fist fucks the dog in the ass." "'Cause really, why leave the dog out?" "That would be wrong." "It would be very wrong." "Now, the son breaks off a leg from one of the chairs, and shoves it up his sister's asshole, and starts fucking her with it, as the father takes a lamp and shoves it into her cunt," "as the mother is licking out the father's asshole, as the mother is eating the dog's ass." "Now, the dog takes a tremendous shit on the floor." "Now you think, if I can pause for a second, you think that at this point the talent agent would go," ""Oh, for god's sakes, I'm getting on the phone"" ""and calling the police."" "But, no." "I'm just saying, in case you've ever questioned that." "Now, the son walks in with cables out of the trunk of a car, like jumper cables." "So he attaches the jumper cables to his father's balls, and start running electricity into them as he's licking out his father's asshole, as the father's eating his daughter out, as he's fucking the dog in the ass..." "This sounds like one of those prayers on a Jewish holidays that you have to read," ""And he fucks in the ass, and the dog fucks the cat,"" ""and the cat fuck the boy, and the boy fucks the dog,"" ""Amen, Amen." "And little kid, little kid,"" ""and the fire put out the dog, that fucked the cat,"" ""that fucked the girl..."" "And then, the son climbs up on a table, puts a noose around his neck and jumps off." "And through auto-asphyxiation, see, this is educational, you start choking, and that makes you have a big orgasm." "Try it when you get home." "Now really, really, I'd like you to." "I've looked at a few of you, and I don't see it would be a major loss." "If any of you hung yourselves tonight, and the cops said, "Well, he was..."" ""Shot cum..." "Oh, good enough."" ""Good enough, I saw him when he was alive,"" ""there was no point in him living on."" "So the son is there and he's shooting cum, and the mother's blowing him and the daughter's blowing him, and the dog's blowing him." "Then the mother and daughter take two rats, also, where they came from, I don't know, and shove them in their cunts." "And the rats are chewing the inside of their cunts and blood is coming out." "And then, that of course, makes the father and son very horny." "You've all been in that." "Any of you who have ever been in front of like your wife and daughter who have rats in their cunts." "You go, "Ow, I got the get my dick in there right away."" ""I got to put my dick in there right away,"" ""and go, Ooooo!"" ""I put my dick and the rat bites, Ooooo!"" "And so he puts his dick and the rats now are chewing on their dicks, so now like cunt blood and dick blood is pouring out of their cunt," "and now the son who has been cut down from the noose, is squeezing his pimples into his mother's cunt," "into his mother's cunts, and it's like filled with pimple juice, and then he starts shoving his face in, and eating it out." "This is based on a true story." "And he's eating her out." "Now, so the daughter squeezes her black heads into... all over her father's dick." "And the dog shits on his dick." "And then the son and daughter start blowing the father with the shit and the black heads on his dick." "And now their faces are covered with shit and piss and cum, and also, sweat." "Ow, sweat, sorry." "No sweat." "Sweat's disgusting." "Ehhhh, sweat." "Oh, it's horrible." "Stop with it, let it go away." "Now the two rats get pull out of the cunts and they're jerked off, and they're shooting cum and they're blowing the rats, and their faces get covered with rat cum." "And then shit and piss." "And the family is covered with shit and piss and rat cum." "And then the father takes a tremendous shit on the floor, and the mother pulls out her glass eye, and the son starts fucking her" "in the eye socket, and fills up her eye socket with rat cum rat shit" "and rat piss, and the dead rats, and he starts fucking her in the eye socket, and then the dog bites the rats' heads off" "and they start, the son and the father start fucking the rats in the neck." "And believe it or not, the father, with these enormous arms, he's able to fist fuck a rat in the asshole." "Of course they have amazingly elasticity in a rat..." "If you catch a rat, try it." "I'm telling you, you'll thank me for it later." ""You'll thank me for it later."" ""You..." "If you fuck it..." "Oooooo!"" ""If you fuck the rat, in the asshole."" "And their fucking and sucking for like 5 hours." "And shit and piss and cum and pimple puss and black heads" "And then, afterwards," "They stand up and they take a bow." "And the talent agent, the talent agent nonplussed by this." "I like to throw in a big word." "Nonplussed by this, goes, "Mmm..."" ""That's an interesting act you have there."" ""What do you call yourselves?"" "And they say, "The Aristocrats!"" "Gilbert Gottfried Dirty Jokes" "Subtitles by:" "AltoSax"