"Oh, look who's here" "Guys, I gotta go." "Ok?" "I'm late." "Okay" "See you guys" "Okay." "Bye" "Bye" "Bye, dad" "Bye" "I'm late" "Yeah." "Ray, listen." "Ally drew this picture of our family" "Now she wants to put it up on the fridge" "Yes." "So?" "Well." "Look at it." "There's Ally and the twins, and there's you and me." "And..." "Look at your parents" "Oh, she made them giants..." "Yeah -with sharp teeth and claws" "Yeah." "And they're attacking our house" "Stop it!" "I'm showing you" "No." "This way." "It goes this way" "She's very perceptive" "You can't put this on the fridge Your parents are gonna see it" "You like my picture, daddy?" "Oh yes, I do." "I do, sweetie" "Honey, how come you make grandpa and grandma look so scary?" "That's not grandpa and grandma That's our Halloween monsters" "Oh" "Okay, okay" "Grandpa and grandma aren't monsters" "Ah, youth" "Yeah" "Yes" "Hi, I'm Ray And I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra..." "my six-year-old daughter and twin two-year-old boys" "Me" "My parents..." "live across the street That's right" "And my brother lives with them" "Now, not every family would defy gravity for you But mine would, because..." "Everybody loves Raymond" "Hey, you didn't, uh..." "They are gonna call in, man." "There's no way" "There's no way they are gonna get us here" "So none of these are real massagers?" "Oh, Andy Why would a real masseuse have black bar across her eyes?" "You know why?" "The black matches her whip" "So..." "So all of this is sex" "Yes, it's sex" "And it's prices are very reasonable" "Press box" "Hey, hold on one second Kevin, it's Roy Firestone" "Oh, Roy is calling" "Oh, Roy is calling" "I'm on TV with Roy Hmm..." "Roy Firestone" "You are not a little jealous, are you, Andy?" "No, I'm not jealous" "So, Kevin does the play-by-play for the Mets and I was just his..." "humpback staff guy You know what?" "Without me, you wouldn't know what to say" "You'd open up your mouth and meat would fall out" "Thanks, sure." "I'll tell him now." "All right, Roy" "Yes" "You know who that was?" "It was Roy freaking Firestone" "Did he asked you to sleep over" "You my friend are gonna be on TV" "Me?" "What are you talking about?" "Harvey Johnson's taking a vacation and Roy wants you to fill in with us on Sportscall with Roy Firestone" "Get outta here." "Come on." "I don't..." "I don't know TV." "I'm... a sportswriter" "Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy or a Chinese person" "Wait a minute, wai, wai, wai That's a..." "live TV show" "It's 30 minutes." "Come on." "It's the easiest money ever made" "Easier than the 40 bulks he got when you couldn't do 7 pushups?" "It was 10, Andy I couldn't do 10 pushups" "It doesn't matter because you stopped after 2" "So you are in, right?" "I don't know." "Well, I gotta..." "Come on I gotta think it over" "I gotta let him know tonight" "Roy wants me?" "Come on." "He knows who I am?" "Everybody knows who you are" "You know sports" "You..." "You get to the heart, the poetry that is sports" "Oh, I have the stomach that is nauseous" "Are you sure he knows me" "He read my stuff?" "He knows it all." "Come on" "I'll be..." "Do you think I'll do all right on air" "You are gonna do great, man." "Come on" "All right, all right." "I'll do it" "Yeah." "That is the man I know" "Oh, man." "Let me..." "I gotta go" "Yeah, look at you" "Debra's gonna flip, man, when she hears this" "TV big shot" "Hi, oh, hi, Michael" "Michael answered the phone." "It's the first time he has done ever since" "Huh, first time." "What is he, 14 now, Ray?" "He's 2." "Yeah" "Hi, it's daddy." "No, I know daddy is not home I'm daddy." "No, I'm daddy!" "Yeah." "I..." "Yeah." "Is mummy..." "Hello?" "No, no, don't go get daddy!" "He... he dropped the phone." "Is somebody there?" "Somebody there to pick up the phone?" "Debra." "I hear you, Deb." "You walk right by the phone now" "Look down, look down, Debra I'm in the phone!" "You know what my mother did?" "Send flyers out all over the neighborhood" "My father told everybody at the Elk's" "Give me... give me some tips, man Tell me something" "Let's make love to the camera, all right?" "Hey, what do you say, fellas?" "Hey, Roy" "Hey, hey" "Good to see you" "You all know James Worthy" "James, it's good to see you" "How are you?" "All right" "Ray, good to see you again" "How are you?" "You are already for the big show?" "I guess so." "I don't do TV much... ever" "First time Kinda get some butterflies going" "Wait, I don't get the butterflies" "I just threw up before every live show" "We're live in 30 seconds" "Wait, I didn't throw up yet" "How do you sit?" "You sit..." "You cross your legs much?" "I don't, but I can't" "Okay, everybody stand by..." "in 5, 4, 3, 2" "Listen, can I..." "Hello, get out of bo... body" "I'm Roy Firestone and this is Sportscall" "Our guest all of this week from the great Laker championship team is Mr. James Worthy" "And as always the radio voice of the New York Mets..." "Mr." "Kevin Daniels Good to see you, Kev" "Roy, James How are you, folks?" "And a brand new face from Newsday, a fine columnist, Ray Barone" "Good to see you, Ray" "Howdy" "Our subject tonight: athletes and steroid" "as you might notice that there's an increasing use of steroid among amateur athletes, and..." "Ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that" "Hmm, hmm..." "Yes, I did, Roy" "Why don't you tell us about that, Ray?" "Uh..." "It's a growing problem." "It's a growing problem..." "Steroids..." "Right -is a..." "I say it's even..." "It's getting to be a bit of a..." "Epidemic?" "No, no." "It's not epidemic" "It's outta control." "It's..." "It's kinda like..." "epidemic" "Epidemic." "Yes, it's epidemic" "Yeah, yeah" "What they..." "What they did was they took a group of Olympic Athletes" "and they ax them if using steroids would guarantee you a gold medal" "but would also kill you... uh..." "in five years" "would you still do it" "64 percent of them said yes" "Wow, really?" "That's alarming" "I really enjoyed the piece." "A terrific Piece You did a great job" "Thanks, thanks, Roy" "You know..." "You know... when a program succeeds like that" "a lot of that stuff just gets swept..." "right under the rug" "Right" "Yeah, yeah" "And what's gonna happen is that it's later that these kids are gonna realize that..." "oh, they've made horrible mistake" "Right" " You know..." "They don't realize it at first But what happens is, you know" "they are sacrificing... what once, you know," "was the ideal The ideal of dream, the American dream" "Hello..." "Hooray" "Yeah, yeah" "What's going on?" "Come on" "Capturing the moment" "Come on, dad." "Come on, cut it out" "Great action shot" "Oh, come on." "Let me be the first one to hug my big TV star" "Ooh..." "It wasn't actual" "Hey, Frank, take a picture" "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on" "They should give you the show You are better than the other guy" "Kevin?" "No, no, the other one the one who was acting like the boss" "Roy Firestone?" "You are in the whole show!" "Come on" "Now you've got television, way to go" "Actually I felt a little awkward there" "Here's James Worthy listening to you talk" "Oh, dad." "You took pictures of me on the television?" "Sure, how often is my son on the tube?" "I was on when we busted John Gotti" "Yes, but you didn't have any lines, dear" "So what did you think?" "Oh, you were great" "What did they say of the show?" "Yeah, I think they liked me" "Of course they liked you!" "It was like watching Joe Garagiola (an American former catcher in Major League Baseball who later became an announcer and television host)" "Look, this one." "This one is Roy smiling at something I said right there" "I remember when he did that" "Yeah, terrific" "I saw that." "That was great." "They liked you" "All right, all right." "Come on" "TV show." "That is all it is We can blow that one up" "That one could get me in" "Ray" "Hey, I was just talking to Kevin" "Hey, look at this, look at this" "Ally drew another picture of our family, and she still says these monsters aren't your parents" "So, maybe they are, maybe they are not" "Ray, this one is bald, and this one is carrying a covered dish" "You know what?" "Save that." "Someday a therapist may want to see it" "Listen, I was just talking to Kevin" "And Harvey Johnson's gonna be out again tomorrow," "so they want me to do the show again" "Oh, I thought it was just one-time deal" "Well, things were pretty well there." "Everybody seems to like it" "So I figured..." "Hey, why mad?" "Hey, great, great." "Yeah, it was really great" "What?" "Nothing" "What do you mean?" "You are pursing your lips." "What's wrong?" "I'm not pursing" "What?" "No" "Okay, okay." "It's just..." "maybe before the next show you could..." "just practice a few words You kinda had a little bit of trouble saying tonight" "What?" "What word?" "What are you talking about?" "" "No, no, no, no, no." "Don't get exited" "It's not a big deal" "Come on." "I'm gonna..." "It's not a big deal" "I'm gonna be on television." "What do you..." "Okay, good" "Asterisk." "You, you, you were talking about some record that had an asterisk next to it" "Well, yeah?" "You s..." "Yeah, asterisk" "Oh, come on." "Asterix Asterix" "I said asterix on television..." "It's okay." "No, no, no, no." "It's okay" "Just asterisk" "Asterix" "Asterisk" "Asterix" "Aster..." "Shut up." "I know." "Stop showing off" "I know." "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry" "You know what?" "Maybe it will be easier if we just break it into two parts" "Aster-risk" "Aster-risk" "Asterisk" "Asterix." "Oh... oh..." "Okay, you know, Ray, nobody..." "Nobody even cares" "Next time that word comes up, maybe just say..." "little star" "What else, what else?" "What other words?" "Well, you are asking me, right?" "Yeah" "You are asking me" "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "I'm axing you." "Oh..." "Yeah, 'ask'." "Sometimes you say..." "Ax." "Ax..." "Oh, man" "No, no, no, honey." "Come on, you just gotta practice those words just practice those words" "Why?" "Why you didn't tell me this?" "You should have told me the first time I axed you something" "I never thought you are gonna be on television" "You know what we could do?" "Let's put them all in a sentence, say, uh..." "'I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon.'" "Cinnamom, cinnamom, cinnamom Oh, my God." "I'm a monkey" "Did I say cinnamom on the show?" "No, no, no, no." "It's just a good thing to know for when we are worth the IHOP (International House of Pancakes, a chain of breakfast oriented fast-food restaurants, painted cinnamon inside.)" "Come on, come on 'I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon.'" "I asked you..." "Good, good -to put the asterisk... with the cinnamom." "Cinnam..." "All right." "You know what?" "No more IHOP" "Ray, it's... it's just those couple of words." "That's all" "I mean, you were really..." "You've been told you were great on..." "Yeah, you told me, you told me I believed you" "Oh, really, honey." "You are terrific" "Oh, don't, don't" "Sorry I axed" "Hi" "Oh, hi, dear." "You are hungry?" "No" "Sit down." "I'll make you sandwich" "I'm not" "Ally gave you one of her paintings?" "Yeah, look how bigger we are compared to the rest of the family" "Yeah, that's great Listen, you guys've ever noticed I say certain words funny?" "What do you mean?" "Like 'Glockenspiel' or 'tushy'" "No, not funny words, dad Do I mispronounce words?" "I'm just asking" "Oh, I think you speak beautiful, dear Why?" "What's wrong?" "Debra thought I had trouble on the show last night with certain words" "Oh, that's ridiculous It sounds like she's a little nitpicky" "Yeah?" "So you really think I was all right last night?" "Yeah" "Oh, good, good." "Cos' I'm gonna do it again tonight" "They want you back?" "Well, what does that mean?" "Nothing." "It's just, uh... we, we thought it was... over" "So you did notice the words" "Listen, you got bigger problems than your little words thing" "What?" "Like what?" "Like scratching the microphone" "Nobody could hear what the hell was going on" "At least... at least scratching kept him from waving his hands around like he was landing planes" "The microphone was much worse" "No, no" "It seemed like he had never been on television before" "He hasn't been on television before, but he has his hands his whole life" "The microphone was much annoying" "Ray, which is more annoying, this or this?" "I did that?" "Yeah, now that you've mentioned it, your voice was kinda monotonous" "I didn't mention that" "Oh, it tended to drone on and on, dear" "Oh, it's very awkward" "My God" "You see, like that" "Most people would say 'Mii God!" "'" "You gotta try and make your voice go up and down more, high and low" "I would absolutely loove a niice dill pickle" "Pickle, Marie" "Oh, oh" "Wait, so... so let me get this straight, dad" "Everything you said after the show last night was a lie" "And behind my back you were talking about how bad I was" "You think I stunk..." "You think I stunk!" "What difference it'll make what we think?" "They ask you back" "But keep in mind some of the things we've told you because I gotta see people during the day" "Oh, my god." "The supermarket" "You lie to me, you lie to me and you're doing so well" "How long has this been going on?" "3 weeks" "My God... oh, my God" "Look at you." "Oh, my God." "You..." "you've been lying to me my whole life." "Haven't you?" "'Oh, oh, Raymond, you are such a great writer, you could have been writing poetry.'" "How about in high school, mum?" "'Oh, don't worry, Ray." "The girls... they don't know what they are missing'" "They do, they do, and they didn't miss it" "How about this, mum?" "Were you lying when you said:" "'Oh the day you were born was the happiest day of our lives.'" "No, that's true." "It was" "Don't eat that now, Robert" "What's going on?" "You know they've been lying to us our whole lives..." "anytime they ever tried to make us feel good about ourselves?" "When did that happen to me?" "Oh, honey, I'm sure we lied to you plenty of times" "You gotta get your own place, man" "No, don't be silly." "We love having you here" "Oh, my God" "Ray, we told you you were a good writer so you would think you were a good writer" "Then somebody gave you a job" "That's what parents do, they all lie to their kids for their own good" "But, other parents aren't lying, mum" "They believe in their children" "No, they don't" "That's it, that's it, okay?" "No more lies, all right?" "Don't tell me any more" "That was good, high and low" "Use that on the show tonight" "Oh, my God." "I can't believe I gotta do a show now" "You'll be wonderful, dear" "Come on, please, no more lie" "They say that because the pros can hit it so far," "that they should lengthen the length of all the courses and..." "You know, I know I'm probably droning on here, but..." "What about... what about tradition?" "There was always tradition in history, and... and... and stuff" "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know," "I..." "I support the changes in baseball, but..." "Look, let me ax... ax... ask something here." "Uh..." "Shouldn't have... sports sometimes should adopt... adapt" "adapt and grow." "But aren't there times when a sport shouldn't adopt..." "adapt and... and not grow, probably not grow" "Oh, hi, hi It didn't go very well, did it?" "Not your best moment there, Raymond?" "What are you doing?" "We are being honest." "You said that's what you wanted" "I could have eaten a box of Alpha-bits and crapped a better interview" "Well, what did you think?" "Honey, I begged you to say 'little star'." "It was even worse than the last time" "You made me hate TV" "Want me to play it back for you, Raymond?" "All right, all right, all right Come on." "I want you to be honest." "But..." "it couldn't be all bad" "Come on , dad, I made voice high and low, like you said" "That didn't work" "What about my little Steinbrenner (the principal owner of Major League Baseball's New York Yankees) joke?" "It wasn't funny" "It's not nice to hurt other people's feeling" "What about this?" "This is funny" "All right." "Come on." "I mean, it could have been..." "It had to be something there" "I was..." "I sat there and..." "Come on, come on..." "I thought there was a lot of good things, Ray" "Yeah?" "Yeah, like those other guys... they are so polished and professional and you are really like human" "Yeah" "Yeah?" "Yeah, yeah" "What about what I said, though?" "Did it make sense?" "Yes, yeah." "I got some of it" "So, I mean it wasn't a total disaster" "No, no, not really, not at all" "No, not total, no, not at all" "How many total disaster are there?" "Yeah." "Ray, the fact that you could go on live television" "with such little experience, that really says a lot" "You are great, dear" "At least I tried, right?" "I mean it's better..." "It's better to try than to..." "not try" "Yes, yeah, you gotta get in there." "You gotta try" "You pick the ball, Ray -...shut your window off" "expand your experiences" "Pick the ball" "I mean you are so..." "Okay!" "Okay" "Thanks" "Better than Broadway" "Okay, all right" "I got some makeup on." "I'm gonna take the makeup off, and then I'll come back" "Okay, yeah." "You are so good," "I bet they'll have you back out there I'm sure they will" "Yeah" "Yes" "It's all about you, Raymond" "Robert" "Ooh, I don't think that was a total disaster" "Well, how many total disasters are there?"