" Hi." " Hi." "The usual?" "Excuse me, I asked for butter." "I asked twice." "There's no butter in my sandwich." "Oh, sorry." "Can I get a coffee?" "Just be a minute, okay?" "Of course." "You missed a spot." "I like the butter spread all over the bread, right to the edges." "Would you like a fresh piece?" "Nah, keep it as it is." "If you could cut it but diagonally." "Thank you." "No butter?" "Not today." "I have an audition next week." "Tuesday." "Yeah, fingers crossed." "I'd love to start gigging again." "Hey, I went to Luca's new jazz club." "Yeah, it was good." "I think you'd like it." "Maybe you'll take Stanley down there, will ya?" "Are you going to move in with Stanley?" "God." "Oh, you broke up." "Okay, so you don't need a piano player then." "All right." "Thanks anyway." "Yeah, cheers." "Yeah, no, no, I've heard you play." "You're great." "Yeah, maybe another time." "Okay, thanks." "Bye." "She fell and chipped her tooth, her front tooth, and she cut her lip terribly." "Her tooth punched through her upper lip, and she needed stitches." "So I must return to the hospital and see how she's doing." "I'm sorry." "I tried to call you this morning, but..." "No, don't worry." "It's fine." "Would you like me to stay and work?" "No, no, no." "Thank you." "On top of what's happened to Kalika, the oven's not working." "I can't make the bread." "Everything's going wrong." "It's a terrible day." "Terrible." "So take the day off." "I'll pay you." "I'm sorry." "We're closed." "Olosed!" "Sorry." "Hi." "I said, hi." "Hi." "I have that exact book." "It's a great read." "Do you like jazz?" "Yeah, I love jazz." "Yeah, been getting into it myself." "Mostly fusion." "I like fusion." "Fusion is much more accessible than one would guess." "You have to listen to it over and over again until you find the right groove that fits your mood, though." " Don't you think?" " Exactly." "I wish more people thought like you." "Exactly." "Hey, I like your earrings." "They're from Mexico." "Do you live around here?" "Not too far." "You like to have fun?" "Why?" "Well, I don't know." "Maybe you know." "Know what?" "If you want to swing by your flat on the way to work and have some fun." "No thanks." "That's all right." "What, you wouldn't like a quickie?" "Just some fun?" "Well, the bus is coming any minute, and I'm all quickied out." "Come on, what's wrong?" "I bet you're one of those uptight, never-been-away-from-home girls, never had the proper man to loosen up your inhibitions." "Or are you of the lesbian persuasion?" "That's it, I'm a lesbian." "You hate men because you can't normally get one, is that it?" "And when one finally does make a bold offer, you change your sexual orientation because you have no idea of how to suck a cock?" "Well, I can get into that." "Watching you go down on some big-breasted beast with a hot twisting tongue, you eating her pussy while I stroke my large cock, you fingering her wet cunt." "Fuck off then, you repressed whore." "Fucking arsehole." "I can't believe him." "Hi." "Hey, aren't you the girl from the sandwich shop?" " It was closed." " £2.60, please." "That's why I'm here, buying this crap." "Excuse me, miss, that's not enough." "Hi." "Hi." "You left that store a criminal." "What?" "What do you mean?" "You didn't leave enough money." "Don't worry about it;" "I paid the difference." "Thanks." "You're egg salad on baguette, no butter." "So you do remember me." "Of course I remember you." "You come in every day." " I'm Michael." " I'm Ashley." "Yeah, I know your name." " Really?" "How?" "That's what your boss calls you." "You're a fast walker, aren't you?" "In a hurry to get away from me?" "I'm just trying to get home, I guess." " What happened to you?" " What do you mean?" "On your back." "Looks as though someone threw coffee on you, on your neck." "Sorry." "Do you need some help with that?" "With what?" "Wiping off your back." " No, I'm fine." " It's not so bad." "You've almost cleared it all." "You're not working today?" "No." "This your day off?" " Not really." " Oh." "May I have some of that?" "What are you doing?" "You have a bit of whatever that is, in a hard-to-reach place." "I was just gonna wipe it off." "Where is it?" "Right there." " You all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Why?" "Well, you seem a little distracted, and you're walking in circles." "Yeah, well, a man just threw a cup of hot coffee on me." "A man threw a cup of hot coffee on you?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Why did he do that?" "Well, I don't know." "Well, when did this— did this just happen?" " Yes." " Where is he then?" " Who is this person?" " I don't know." "A stranger threw a cup of hot coffee on you?" "Yes." "This needs to be reported." "No." "No police." "Why not?" "He's gone." "He's disappeared." "I don't want to report it." "I just—I just want to go home." "Where's the bus stop gone?" "It's that way." "Hold on, I'm concerned about you." "I'm concerned— shit!" "Are you all right?" "Yes." "Fine, thank you." "Watch where you're walking, mate." "Can I take you to lunch?" "What?" "I'd very much like it if I could take you to lunch." "Oh, no, not you too." "I can't deal with this right now." "Deal with what?" "Another weird encounter." "Weird encounter?" "I'm serious." "I'd like to take you to lunch." "What, right now?" "Yeah." "But it's barely past breakfast time." "Well, then, breakfast." "I'm not hungry." "I'm—the only thing I can think about is finding the man and bashing his head in until there's nothing left of his minuscule brain." "Sounds great, we could discuss the different ways you'd bash this man's head in over a nice cup of peppermint tea." "It'll be relaxing." "It's probably what you need to do." "To vent and to relax." "Where would we go?" "I know the perfect place." "It's quite near." "No, I'm covered in coffee." "Well, you could freshen up in their toilets." "I'll lend you my jacket." "I should go." "I'm sorry." "You're probably right." "I didn't want to push you into anything." "I just thought it might be nice to decompress, instead of fuming alone at your flat." "That's assuming you don't have a roommate or boyfriend or companion of some other sort to commiserate with." "A pet?" "No, I'm alone." "We can talk." "Have conversation." "You can tell me about what just happened to you." "There's not much to tell." "He threw coffee, I'm angry, end of story." "Well, hey, my boss fired me from my job yesterday after I hired a stripper for the company's anniversary party that practically turned into a live porno show." "We can compare stories." "You got fired for hiring a stripper?" "I'll tell you all about it." "Over tea for two?" "Me and you?" "Yeah, okay." "Yeah, I will." "All right." "Thanks." "Yeah, okay, listen, I've got to go." "Thanks for the tea." "Inappropriate behavior is what she said." "I mean, thought she'd be fine with a male stripper." "Of course, I didn't realize he'd go all the way, naked, waving his genitalia around, trying to get my boss to touch it, rubbing it against her head." "What do you do?" "I'm a graphic designer." "I make flat, unappetizing hamburgers look appetizing and certain aging rock stars look ten years younger." "Listen, I know this may seem forward and quick, but I was wondering if I could ask a favor of you." "You see, I have a sister, and last night we got into a fight on the phone about—" "I still don't know quite what about." "Apparently I made her cry." "I made my sister cry all night until her eyes were all puffy." "At least, that's what she tells me." "And of course I feel guilty, because frankly, my sister looks terrible with puffy eyes." "You see, my sister is very sensitive." "You know, we haven't seen each other in over 3 months." "In person, it can be quite combustible." "I understand." "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" "I have a half brother and a stepsister." "But she's not my stepsister anymore, since the divorce." "Which is fine by me because she was the definition of the word "cunt"." "Excuse my language." "Not very nice, was she?" "That's a bit of an understatement." "I guess it would be if you're describing your sister as a cunt." "What about your brother?" "My half brother and I don't speak." "Because he can't speak." "He's got no tongue." "But we probably wouldn't speak anyway." "He's quite religious, but not in the way you're thinking of." "He's joined a cult, and they're not allowed to speak to their family members." "Does he have no tongue because of the cult?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "It's something that happened to him years prior, when he was younger." "He was trying to French kiss our dog, and our dog bit his tongue off and then ate it." "No, is this true?" "A hundred percent." "I witnessed it myself." "He's been through an awful lot, my brother." "After that, he fell out of a tree and did permanent muscle damage to one of his feet." "He walks with a limp." "He tried to call for help, but obviously with no tongue, it's pretty difficult." "And around the time he fell out of the tree, he was exploring some forest behind our house." "So he's lost in the forest for two days with no food or water." "Or tongue." "Overall, he doesn't have a very high opinion of himself." "I can imagine." "His father, my stepfather, was a complete bastard." "He kept the dog, even after the tongue incident and blamed the whole thing on my brother." "I still feel guilty about not being able to get his tongue back." "But what could I do, you know?" "I was, you know, a little girl." "Of course not." "You were scared." "Depressing, isn't it?" "Not necessarily." "Could be worse." "So about my favor." "A favor." "Now, I wanted to make things right with my sister, and I was wondering if you could help me." "You see, today's her birthday, and I wanted to buy her some type of clothing." "Now, she's your size, and I was wondering if you would come with me to a shop and help me choose her some clothing." "Now, I know that seems strange." "It's an unusual request, but I'm not very good at picking out woman's clothing, as you might imagine." "Don't you like the tea?" "You only had one sip." "That was it." "I think the milk they used was off." "Well, go and say something." "I'm sure they'll make it for you again." "Oh, no, no, no." "It doesn't matter." "I hate to complain;" "it's really embarrassing." "It's just a cup of tea." "Well, I'll do it for you." "No, no, no, really." "So what clothes shop are we gonna go to?" "It's a private boutique." "You need an appointment." "Thank you." "There's no prices on any of the clothes." "I know." "Don't worry." "What kind of colors does your sister like?" "I don't know, really." "Would you like me to help you choose something?" "I think we're fine." "Does she wear more skirts or trousers?" "I'm not sure." "Well, what about shirts or tops?" "I don't know." "She likes modern clothes." "Yeah, overall, Michael, we all do." "Why don't you pick out something you like, and then I can decide one way or the other." "Well, I might have a completely different taste in clothes to her." "She dresses kind of like you." "These are my work clothes." "I mean, you probably want something nicer, don't you?" "Yeah." "I mean, yes." "Now, what do you think of that?" "Not bad." "All right." "Let's see one of these, please." "That's nice." "It might be a tad too formal." "Let's try this." "That looks good." "Can we try this one?" "Maybe not." "Could we see the pink one?" "Thanks." "What do you think?" "Great." "Nice." "Do you like it?" "Yeah, very much." "Well, I'll buy that one for you, and the purple top I'll get for my sister." "Excellent choice, sir." "No, no, no, no, no." "You can't buy this for me." "No way." "Look, that's really kind, thank you." "But, no, we came here to shop for your sister." "Look, I want to do this for you." "You really helped me out here, I appreciate it, and that dress was made for you." "Besides, you don't want to walk around all day with stains all over you, do you?" "It looks questionable, especially the color of the stains." "And before you say no again, I insist." "Done deal." "I insist." "Right?" "It's a done deal." "There you are." "And these are the clothes you came in." " Thanks." " Okay." " Thank you very much." " Sure." "Listen, I was thinking, are you hungry?" "A little." "Because I'm hungry, and I thought, without pushing anything, do you want to get something to eat?" "Well, what— where—where?" "We could easily get a bus or a tube, or I could meet you there or something." "Do you have to be somewhere else?" "No, I just—" "What?" "I can't really afford a cab fare." "Well, I can." "It's my treat." "We're almost there anyway." "And listen, when we get to the restaurant, order what you want." "Don't worry about the cost;" "I'll pay for lunch." "No." "No, I absolutely can't let you do that." "Yes, you can." "I mean this restaurant is not about restraint." "It's about indulgence, you know, gorge, be decadent." "Eat, you know." "And the best thing about it is, for dessert, they have this chocolate soufflé." "It's absolutely fantastic." "It's their signature dessert." "I love chocolate soufflé." "Order anything." "So the seafood salad as a starter, and the smoked cod with mashed sweet potato and a grape, white wine, cream sauce for the gentleman." "And for the lady, the soup of the day, mozzarella, pomodoro and basil salad, and the garlic bread for starters, followed by the whole roasted rosemary chicken, with French string beans, roasted beet root," "and grilled artichoke on the side." "And to drink, champagne." "Please." "And the chocolate soufflé." "Of course, the soufflé." "Thank you." "You sure you don't want to try anything else?" "Do you think that's going to be enough?" "We'll be all right." "So you liked the food?" "I'm a pig, I know." "Not at all." "I love food." "I do too." "You haven't finished your meal." "I'm trying to keep my weight down." "You don't look like you have a problem." "Exactly." "And I'd like to keep it that way." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "That was really good." "It's funny, because I thought perhaps you'd order the fish and not the whole rosemary chicken." "Why would you assume that?" "Because I was gonna order the grilled fish." "I love grilled fish." "I just wanted to try something different." "Well, it's a good question." "It's something I felt." "What do you mean?" "It's not a presumption, just an instinct." "That I liked grilled fish?" "Sort of." "If I tell you how I thought I knew, you promise not to judge me?" "Yes, of course." "I'm a bit psychic." "So do you take medication, or..." "No, that's psychotic." "I said psychic." "Sorry." "As in premonitions." "As in telling the future." "Well, you know, not just telling the future, picking up on things about people." "There's other things I know about you." "What things?" "Ask a question." "What's my favorite color?" "Is it aqua blue?" "Yes." "What else?" "Ask me a question." "Can I have more champagne?" "Yes." "Okay, what's my favorite snack?" "You mean, like crisps or biscuits?" "More specifically, what do I eat every night before I go to bed?" "Well, this could be a trick question." "You have two colors in your eyes." "Yeah, answer the question." "Is it a grilled cheese sandwich?" "Yes." "Are you really psychic?" "How could you know that?" "It's instinct." "Okay, what else?" "Ask me a question." "All right, do you see that?" "There's a little scar there." "Yeah, I see that." "Do you mind if I move closer?" "No." "Yeah, I see that." "Now, you'd like me to tell you how you got it." "Yes, please." "Well, that scar is clearly the direct result of your first and last ever golf lesson." "No." "Guess again." "You got it..." "You got it—" "Well, it was an accident." "It was when you fell off your bicycle when you were eight years old." "Well..." "Wrong answer." "Well, how did you receive it?" "Well, if you don't know, I can't tell you." "That's not fair." "No." "No, it's not fair." "So how was your meal?" "Fine." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I'm sorry, did I say something I shouldn't have?" "No." "No." "I have a confession." "Take another sip." "You'll need it for what I'm about to tell you." "The reason I know so much about you, Ashley, is not because I'm psychic." "It's because I'm an angel." "Right." "And to prove it, I will do something magical." "I will make something you desire at this moment appear on this table... and I will do it... right... now." "And here's your dessert... and two spoons." "Enjoy." "Thank you." "Very funny." "Excuse me." "Excuse me?" "A tiny bit." "You think I should just leave?" "I kind of want to stay, but he's like strange, you know?" "I mean, not strange." "Just this whole thing is strange." "Okay, you have to go." "Listen, I'll speak to you later." "Okay, bye." " Thanks a lot." " Oh, thanks." "I was just wondering." "You know the guy I'm seated with?" "Yes, over there." "Does he come in here a lot?" "I've seen him here before." "Have you ever spoken to him?" "No, not really, no." "Does he usually dine alone?" "No." "It's usually with other men, business men types." "Right." "Are you his girlfriend?" "Oh, no" "No, no." "Sorry." "Is there something wrong with the soufflé?" "No, just stuffed." "Of course." "Grazie." "Keep it here." "We'd like to stare at it for a moment or two." "I empathize, grazie." "You've been very kind." "Too kind, in fact." "I'm just a bit drunk." "That's why I don't drink." "I just get too emotional." "I'm dying here." "I'm drooling like an animal." "I haven't touched it." "Are you sure you don't want to try a bite?" "Honestly." "It's better than sex." "That's a very high recommendation." "Give me a spoon." "Now, don't be modest." "Take the biggest bite ever." "Shove the whole bloody soufflé in your mouth if that's what you desire." "You're right." "I'm what?" "You're right." "I'm glad you found your appetite again." "Would you like me to order a third soufflé?" "No, I think two is our limit." "Thank you." "We'll see." "Enjoy." "You first." "Oh no, that's the bite I was gonna have." "I don't really know how to thank you, or even if I should, seeing as how now I'm completely addicted to those chocolate soufflés." "Gonna spend all my money coming back here and indulging and turning into an even fatter pig than I already am." "No." "Thank you very, very much for lunch." "And all this." "Do you feel better?" "About what?" "The prick who threw coffee on you?" "Yeah, I completely forgot." "Mind you, that's probably the champagne." "Good, so..." "So, yeah." "Well, I'll—" "Well, I'll probably see you tomorrow or whenever." "Yeah, but listen." "What are you doing right now?" "Just going home." "Well, I have to go see my sister and give her this." "Would you mind coming along with me?" "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "I just—I don't want to do this alone, and you're here, and I'd really, really, really appreciate it if you could join me." " Well..." " Really." "I'd like it if you could come." "I don't want to force you." "I'd just feel more comfortable." "You're really relaxing to me." "Well, if you put it like that." "Yeah?" "Sure." "Good." "Okay." "I did that." "That's very good." "Oh, shit." "We have to make a detour." "I've got a hair appointment." "I'm sorry, I forgot." "Can you take us to Soho?" "Would you like another espresso?" "No, thanks." "This one's fine." "How much do I owe you?" "It's complimentary." "Your friend wanted to know if you'd like anything done with your hair?" "Me?" "Oh, no thanks." "It doesn't have to be cut." "Just a wash and a style and a blow." "No, I'm fine." "Thank you." "He said he'd pay for it." "You might want to take him up on that offer." "I would." "Sorry, are you all right?" "I'm sorry." "It's fine." "It's all right." "I'm not tickling you with the scissors?" "No, I'm fine now." "Okay." "Just try and keep your head still for me." " Okay, sorry." " Thank you." "What?" "What's so funny?" "I'm really sorry." "It's all the chocolate soufflés and champagne." "Right." " You're not gonna kill me?" " No." "I think it looks great." "Thanks." "Me too." "Do you still want to come with me to my sisters?" "Yeah, absolutely." "Cool." "Hey, where's the other purple bag, the one with your clothes in it from this morning?" "Oh, I must have left it at the salon." "That's all right;" "we'll turn back." "Don't worry, don't worry." "They're just— they're just old work clothes." " It'll only take a minute." " No, Michael, seriously." "I'll probably never wear them again, and I like wearing this." "As long as it's not too—" "No, you look great." "Frank!" "This is the house I grew up in." "My sister just bought it off my parents about a month ago." " Hi." " Hi." "Ashley, Judith." "Judith, Ashley." "Come in." "Frank!" "Do you want something to drink?" "I've got soft drinks, orange juice, beer?" " You want a beer?" " Sure." "Ashley?" "No, I'm fine, thanks." "Some water?" "Okay." "Frank!" "Happy birthday." "Thanks." "It's the worst fucking birthday I've had in years." "I bought you something." "Thank you." "Do you like it?" "Yeah." "I'll find an occasion to wear it." "I think it's an all occasion piece of clothing." "Besides, I thought it was your favorite designer." "Not for a while." "So why is this a terrible birthday?" "Frank and I got into an argument." "We had plans tonight." "He told me to fuck off." "What happened?" "He's completely selfish, is what happened." "I called him a loser, and he got his balls in a twist." "Why'd you call him a loser?" "He quit his job, bitch tits." "Don't call me that." "Why did he quit?" "He wanted to dedicate himself to being an artist." "He did that." "Painted it." "He's good." "Yeah, sure." "But he quit a well-paying job as an accountant." "He's had the job for seven years, and I haven't even finished this house, and you wouldn't believe the mess it was in." "Wasn't it?" "You need a haircut." "Actually, I just had one before I came here." "Seven years is a long time." "What?" "To stay at one job if you're an artist." "You see those, Ash?" " Ashley." " Ashley." "I made those." "I also made those, that vase, and I've been working every day, except for weekends, of course, for the same period of time that Frank worked." "You were longer." "What?" "Eight or nine years, wasn't it?" "Right." "My point be—what do I say to you about interrupting?" "My point is, I've been doing a difficult job, some might call it lousy, a day care teacher for very small children who drain the life out of your every single day, and do I get to quit my job?" "Do I get to nurture my talents without any added stressful extremities?" "Do you know what I get?" "That." "That's great." "Whatever it is." "An ugly trinket, made by a classroom of ugly little spoiled rotten, nasty little children." "But..." "The weird part is that I'd actually like to have a baby one day." "I think I'd make a good mother." "Frank." "Frank!" "Frank, open the door." "Come out of the room." "My brother and his girlfriend Ashley are here." "Don't be a fucking killjoy." "Is there a baby in there?" "I have given up." "He's being stubborn." "He'll come out." "I'm not his girlfriend." "No." "You look familiar, though." "Where were—were— where w-were the t—" "Slow down, articulate, then talk." "I know how to speak, Judith!" "He's sensitive because he has a stutter." "I don't have a stutter." "You know that." "Wha-wha-whatever he says." "What were you trying to ask me?" "Where were the two of you going tonight?" "Marco Piere White's new restaurant." "It was meant to be a surprise." "Hi there." " Hi, Michael." " Hey." "He'll be back." "He's doing his rebellion act." "Letting off some steam at my expense." "But he'll be back, and he'll be back at his job." "Fill my glass, would you?" "It's in the fridge and add some vodka." "More water?" "No, thanks." "That's nice." "Thanks." "So how do the two of you know each other?" "He's a customer, a regular customer." "Come again?" "I work in a sandwich shop." "And you're just friends?" "Yeah." "I see." "Because I was gonna say that you're not normally his type." "I don't mean that rudely." "You're not normally what he has a relationship with when he has one, which has been rare." "He's insecure, because he was fat once." "He's changed a lot." "But I'm not so certain it's for the better." "Here." "So you met each other in the sandwich shop?" "Yeah." "Ashley must make a fine sandwich." "Yes, she does." "What's the secret to a good, delectable sandwich?" "Some people say it's the filling, but..." "I think it's in the bread." "What did you do to this?" "What do you mean?" " It tastes sour." " It does?" "It tastes terrible, like it's past the due date." "Well, there were two cartons in the fridge." "And you didn't check the date or smell the inside of the carton?" "No." " You did this on purpose." " No, I didn't." "You and Frank want to spoil my birthday." "No, it was an accident, honestly." "I find that very hard to believe." "You've always found ways to make things terrible for me." "Judith, you're the one that kept the other carton in the fridge!" "It was a mistake, honestly." "Give me the glass." "I'll get you a new one." "No, it's fine." "I'm fine." "I accept your apology." "Ashley." "Come here, I want to show you something." "Wow." "Careful, it's a bit muddy." "Can I make a confession?" "I've been waiting for this." "Well, it's more of an admission about how I feel about your sister." "I can probably guess what you're going to say, but go on." "Was she having a bad day, or is she always like that?" "She's always having a bad day." "Don't worry about it." "I don't like her either." "Really?" "Then why do—" " Why do I see her?" " Yes." "I understand her." "I understand her frustrations." "I always hope that one day, one day perhaps, she'll be nice to me without trying." "Well, what I don't understand is, why isn't she nice to you?" "I don't know." "She's always been terrible to me." " Always been a bit rude to me." " A bully?" "What?" "A bully?" "Yeah." "I understand how that feels." " Really?" " Yeah." "Wait." "Can you see that?" "Can you read what it says?" ""My... sister..." ""ducks large... elephant socks"?" ""My sister sucks large elephant cocks."" "I wrote that." "Recently?" "No." "Years ago." "This is where I would come to to—I don't know, to think, to be alone." "To start your career as a graphic designer on park benches?" "Perhaps." "Can't believe it's still here." "Michael, why have you been so kind to me today?" "Why shouldn't I be?" "Don't get me wrong." "I'm not ungrateful." "It's just really not what I'm used to." "Well, I like you, and I'm sure you deserve a great day," "I mean, after the coffee incident." " Do I need a reason?" " No." "It's not out of the ordinary, for me, I wouldn't think, the way I've been treating you." " Isn't it?" " No." "Should I have been treating you differently?" "No, I just thought, I don't know, maybe—" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "You caught me." "Caught you?" "At what?" "I have another confession." "Wait." "Before you tell me you're, like, an angel or Elvis or something, can I just tell you why that man threw coffee at me this morning?" "Sure." "I was standing at the bus stop reading a book, and there was a guy standing there with a cup of coffee." "So he starts to talk to me, and at first it's absolutely fine, you know, he's— just chit chat." "But then he starts to ask me, did I want to go home with him, you know, for sex." "He starts using words like "fuck" and "cunt"" "and talking about his large cock." "So I turn to walk away, and he just threw a whole cup of coffee at me." "What an arsehole." "But, the thing is, the thing that makes it worse is that I didn't respond to the situation correctly." "You know, it's partially my fault." "Why?" "Because, if I— if I'd reacted differently, maybe he wouldn't have done that." "You're not blaming yourself for what he did, are you?" "That is fucking ridiculous." "What else could you do but walk away?" "Take him up on his offer?" "I don't know." "I could have said something." "Like what?" "I don't know, something." "You're a stupid, idiotic, imbecile." " I know." " No." "You're a stupid, idiot, imbecile because you're not trusting your instincts." "Your instincts told you to walk away, and you did." "That's why I'm a stupid, idiotic, imbecile." "No." "Walking away was smart." "That was the best thing you could have done." "Why would anyone subject themselves to that kind of verbal abuse?" "Who knows what you could have said or done to make a difference?" "The point is that you walked away, and it was for a good reason, not a bad one, and you cannot feel guilty about that, right?" "Right?" "Right." "Good." "Right." "Good." "So what was your confession?" "My confession." "I'm doing this for a reason, you know, the lunch, the clothes, the day." "I knew it." "And?" "Someone wants you to have a great day." "What?" "I don't understand." "What do you mean?" "Someone wants you to have a great day, and that's that." "Who?" "I'm not telling." "Why not?" "Well, I will tell you, but not until you want to go home." "Well, what if I want to go home now?" "Do you?" "No." "I'm enjoying my time with you." "Good." "I'm very much enjoying my time with you too." "Even though you're doing this for someone else?" "It's not as simple as that." "But yes, I'm enjoying myself." "Are you getting paid to do this?" "No." "But it's someone I know?" "Sort of." "Yes." "Why would someone want you to make sure I had a good day?" "I will tell you, and it should make sense, but do you really want to know now or just a little later?" "What else are we gonna do?" "Lots of things." "Anything." "I can wait." "If you want me to tell you now, I will." "No." "I will wait." "Wait." "Good." "For a minute there, I thought you looked familiar." "Do I?" "Kind of." "Do we know each other?" "Besides from the sandwich shop?" "Yeah." "I thought we were gonna wait until I told you everything." "Okay, we're gonna wait." "Fine." "Now, since I've been pretty much deciding what our day has been thus far, why don't you decide what we do next?" "Money's no object." "Whatever you want to do, we'll do it." "Well that's opened a can of worms." "Well, within reason." "So we can't fly to the Caribbean?" "If that's what you want." "You're joking." "No." "Is that what you want?" "I don't know." "I do have an idea." "What is it?" "Well, it's a little bit silly." "Try me." "I got this friend called Sammy, and he's had some problems recently." "Money problems, and he's had to sell his sax." "He's a musician." "And well, I saw this sax in a pawn shop window." "I could pay you back bit by bit." "I mean, it's not very expensive." "It's just more than I could afford." "Oh." "Oh, God, that's a really terrible idea." "I'm so sorry." "That is so embarrassing." "God, I didn't mean to make you out to be this sort of financier of other people's problems." "I'm sorry, forget I ever said it." "You've done enough." "Thank you." "You've done enough today." "Please forget it." "Is that what you want?" "You could do anything, and that's what you'd choose, to buy a saxophone for someone you know?" "That's what you want to do?" "Yes." "Hey, Sammy, it's Ashley." "Yeah, I'm downstairs in front of your building, and I have a surprise for you." "Come in." "Nice to see you." " This is Michael." " Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Have a seat." "Do you want anything to eat or drink or food?" " No, I'm fine." " Me too, thanks." "Ashley, I found the toy I was looking for." "Cool, isn't it?" "Here, hold it." "No, don't wind it." "It hurts the mechanism." "It's old, you know." "You know, I never thought I'd get— become addicted to this type of hobby, you know, because, well, that's all it is." "But here I am, many years later, in a flat filled with pointless windup toys." "It's all so silly, or so say my family." "You know, they think I'm—" "You have a lot of great things here." "It's just bizarre, I think." "Weird." "So." "So, you said on the phone..." "I have a surprise." "What, you win the lottery?" "No, I wanted to surprise you with this." "This isn't a gigantic windup toy, is it?" "Open it." "Nothing's gonna jump out at me?" "Open it." "Wow." "Wow." "Is this for me?" "Wow, man." "Wow." "It's an alto." "Of course." "Wow." "Is this for me?" "Yeah." "It's all yours." "Do you know what happened to my last sax?" "No." " Would you care to know?" " Sure." "Ashley, tell him." "He sold it." "No, that's not what happened." "But you told me—" "I lied." "I didn't want you to worry about me." "What happened?" "Wow, look at this." "How much do I owe you?" "Nothing." "It's a gift." "No, that won't do." "I'll need to pay you back." "No, it's my gift to you." "Oh, wow." "I can't stop saying "wow."" "Well, um..." "What happened was— with the last sax I had," "I was busking, playing on the streets for some extra dough." "Little hat in front of me." "Humiliating all the same, but worth an extra quid or two at the end of the day." "And so there I was in Oovent Garden with my sax and my little hat, playing John Ooltrane's Blue Train, and this gang of youths— must have been twelve years old at the most— must of been about five of them." "Pissed drunk, or on some type of drug, little bastards, and they surrounded me, started in with me, getting right in my face, saying that I was shit at my playing, saying that I was the worst fucker" "who ever played an instrument." "One of them said they were going to cut my lips off if I didn't stop playing and pack it in." "Started quietly chanting that I was shit, over and over again." ""You fucking shit player," was what they kept repeating." ""You're shit, you're shit, you're shit, you're shit,"" "until I couldn't take it anymore." "So I grabbed my little hat and was about to leave, 'cause no one was doing anything about it." "Of course, they weren't yelling, so maybe nobody knew that there was anything wrong." "So I bent down to pick up my hat, and that's when one of the little bastards grabbed my sax, and they started to bash it against the pavement over and over again." "They did this." "Oh, my God." "No, but I did this." "Did you go to the police?" "Did you report it?" "You tell me what's worse:" "getting intimated by a bunch of 12-year-olds, or reporting that you've been intimated by a bunch of 12-year-olds?" "But this is— wow." "It wasn't only me." "What?" "What do you mean?" "Nothing." "Just... it was fate that we found the sax." "You know it's not new, but I think it's in pretty good shape." "Let's test it out, shall we?" "That sounds pretty good." "Yeah." "I can't understand what those little buggers had against me." "It was a joke." "I'm just kidding." "Oh, sorry." "Hey, Ashley." "Why don't you get on the piano?" " Okay." " You play piano?" "Yeah." "We play together." "Sometimes she does gigs with friends of mine." "She's pretty good." "You've never heard her play?" "No." "I just work at the sandwich shop to pay a few extra bills." "Sammy and I are professional struggling musicians." "Cool." "What do you want to play?" "I mean, you played really, really good." "I mean, really, really good." "Thanks." "And look, about the sax." "I'll pay you back, bit by bit." "Soon as I get my next paycheck." "Yeah." "No, no, I don't want you to have to pay it back." "I mean, it was a gift." "It was something I wanted to do for you." "Today is your day." "Why is it suddenly my day?" "What is going on?" "Well, because of the whole coffee situation." "Why isn't it your day?" "I mean, you're the one who got fired yesterday." "Right." "Well, I have another one of my confessions." "What, another confession?" "What am I, a priest?" " I wasn't fired." " Oh." "Yeah, when we went for a cup of tea this morning," "I phoned in sick while you were in the toilet." "Okay." "So is this all part of the plan?" "Part of the "someone wants you to have a great day" plan?" "Yes." "Right." "So who is it?" "Why don't we do this over a drink?" "Something stronger than coffee." "Is it going to be this shocking?" "Maybe." "This time it is my treat." "I am finally paying for something today even if it's a drink." "Listen, we'll go in here." "It's really nice." "Okay." "I think it's open." "Yeah." "Oh, my God." " What happened?" " Oh, my God." " What's wrong?" " Oh, my God." "What is it?" "The— the coffee thrower from this morning, he's in there." " Are you sure?" " Yes!" "Well, which one is he?" "Oh, my God." "We can't stay here;" "we have to go." "Well, I want to see who he is." "No, I don't want to see him again, ever." "Ashley, you don't have to see him." "Only I do, all right?" "I just want to know what he looks like." "Give me two minutes." "Which one is he?" "He's got a purple tie and sort of dark hair, and he's standing at the bar." "Michael!" "Hurry up." "Keep the change." "This is your favorite place." "Do you know where we could go?" "Where do we go to see them?" "Well, we could go to that— that place we went to last time." "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Hi." "I've got a story I'd like to share with you." "It pertains to all of you." "I mean, it's—on some level, it relates to all of you." "Um, please let me tell you this." "I'd really appreciate it." "Would you?" "Please?" "I'm not a maniac." "I'm not drunk." "I'm not on drugs." "I'm, you know, a normal person, just—" "I wanted to—to share this story with you." " Yes." " Sure, go ahead." "Thank you." "Yes?" "That's fine." "Yeah." "There's this girl, right?" "And one morning, she was at work." "Except there is no work this morning, because the place where she normally works, the café, is closed." "So she walks to the bus stop." "She's alone... until this man turns up." "This guy, he's your average everyday guy." "So he starts chatting this girl up." "He's chatting to her, but she wants none of it." "So he gets kind of lascivious, you know." "He's trying to get her hot and bothered." "He's trying to get her to come home for a quick fuck." "And he's using words like "fuck," "cunt,"" "all that sort of thing." "Now, the girl, she's starting to feel threatened." "She wants to be left alone, but this guy is insistent." "He won't leave her alone." "So she decides to walk away." "And when she does— this is the bit, um, I left out." "The guy is holding a hot cup of coffee the whole time he's talking to her, a hot latte while he's harassing this girl." "He throws the hot coffee all over her." "It's on her head, on her neck, her back." "It's hot." "It burns her slightly." "Now, what's your opinion of this man?" "Crude." "Yeah, he sounds crude." "He needs his balls cut off and shoved down his throat." "Right." "Great." "That's—that's fantastic." "Okay, now, at this point, let me just cut to the chase." "Let me tell you why I'm telling you this story." "What if I told you that this happened this morning and that this man at the bus stop was sitting in this group?" "That this coffee thrower— what if I told you that this coffee thrower, this coffee tosser... was him." "What?" "That's ridiculous." "He's a solicitor for abused women." "But it's him." "Yeah." "And I just thought you should know what he did this morning with his morning cup of coffee." "I just wanted you fine people to know the kind of company you kept." "Thanks for your time." "Is this true?" "I'll deal with it." "Hey." "Is there something you want to say to me?" "Is there something you want to say to me?" "Well, you can tell your friend I fucking hate jazz." "What is this man saying about you?" "I don't know." "I've never seen him before." "You tell me this happened before, and I say nothing about it." "Look, I don't even know who that guy is." "I've never seen him before." "I've never seen him before." "Daphne, just sit down." "Where'd you go?" "What happened?" "I went downstairs." "We kind of had a little chat." "What?" "I just told his friends who were with him what he did this morning." "You're joking." "You spoke to him?" "Well, in a roundabout sort of way." "I just told them what happened to you and let them know that he was the one responsible." "Oh, my God." "What was his reaction, the coffee thrower's reaction?" "I'd say he was shocked, definitely shocked." "You're not gonna believe this, but apparently he's a solicitor for abused women." "Oh, my God." "For fucks sake." "Did I do the wrong thing?" "Mo, no." "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." "I'm sorry, that was—" "No, not at all." "Should I go back?" "I mean, do you want me to punch him or..." "Not at all." "Look, humiliation's better than violence." "It lasts longer." "It sounds like you handled it really well." " Good." " Thank you." "Now, is it possible for you to please tell me who the person who wants me to have a great day is?" "I'm going crazy here." "Sure." "Let's go somewhere else." "What would you like, a beer?" "Sure." "Any." "I'll take it over to you." "Okay." "Can I get two beers, please?" "Yeah, sure." "Coronas fine?" "Perfect." "So?" "So do you recognize the kid in the photograph?" "You can pick it up." "Because I have another one of my confessions." "It's how I know that your favorite color is aqua blue and that you like grilled cheese sandwiches." "It's from your childhood." "I also know how that scar got on your forehead." "I do know how you received it." "He gave it to you, didn't he?" "The boy in the photo." "He was part of the group of kids at school that bullied me." "He pushed me hard against a tree once, and that's why I have the scar." "Do you remember his name?" "What does he got to do with today?" "Well, apparently he found out where you worked, and he's felt guilty about how he treated you all those years ago." "And so he wanted you to have a great day in which he provided." "Didn't matter which day." "Could be any day." "If anybody deserves it, you do." "So why didn't he do it himself?" "Because if he told you the truth or if you recognized him, he was afraid you might not be so... agreeable." "Did he arrange for that man to throw coffee on me this morning?" "No." "Do you remember his name?" "Is it Michael?" "Michael Fratti." "What's your full name?" "Michael Fratti." ""Fatty Fratti."" ""The Farty Fat."" ""Michael Fat."" "Those were my names in school." "I-I don't get this." "Get what?" "I don't understand." "Is this some sort of an apology?" "Yes." "And so I'm just supposed to feel charmed by what's happened today?" "I'm supposed to forget what happened to me every day of my life when I was in school?" "The torment." "The abuse." "The scar you gave me." "I'm supposed to forget how you and your friends treated my brother?" "I'm supposed to just put on a warm smile and walk over there and give you a hug?" "I'm just supposed to forget everything that happened because you feel guilty 15 years later?" "You have a strange way of trying to amend the past." "I wanted to apologize." "It was important to me." "That's all?" "You just wanted to apologize?" "Yeah." "That's all today was?" "An apology?" "I've often wondered what would happen if I confronted you and your friends." "I've often wondered what I'd do to you, if given the opportunity." "Go ahead." "Do it." "I've destroyed you in my head, time and time again." "Over and over and over." "I've punched you." "I've kicked you." "I've even stabbed you." "But you know what?" "I always reach the same conclusion." "And do you know what that conclusion is?" "Fuck you for making a fool of me one last time." "Don't you see?" "You've turned one of the best days of my life into one of the worst." "You should have kept your little secret to yourself." "I can't—" "I just left him sitting there... on his own." "It was such a great day, you know?" "I guess I just thought that maybe it would end in a kiss, you know?" "I just feel so pathetic." "Humiliated, you know?" "And I feel angry, too, and sad." "And I really kind of want to talk to him." "But I don't, you know?" "I just feel so conflicted." "They had to put two, no, three stitches into my lip, but they're very tiny, little tiny ones." "The doctor who stitched me up hated the sight of blood." "Can you believe that?" "No." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Can we talk?" "I think he wants some food." "I don't care." "Do you want some food?" "No." "Papa, there's a man outside, and he's staring at Ashley, and he doesn't want any food." "What?" "Ashley, are you all right?" "Can I help you, sir?" "Not really." "Yesterday Ashley and I spent the day together, and now she hates me." "Why?" "Because she found out that I used to be the bully who made her life miserable when she was at school." "That's not good, is it?" "And I think she thinks that what I did yesterday was completely out of order and totally disingenuous." "What did you do to Ashley?" "We had a great day." "At least I did." "Oh, okay." "I'm a little confused." "Well, I came here to apologize, not for what I did yesterday or many years ago— although of course I'm very, very sorry for that— but apologize for the fact that I wasn't up front" "and honest with her yesterday about who I was." "And I wanted to add that I wasn't trying to make a fool out of her." "I was just trying to make a friend and that she should appreciate that I was full of— and that she should respect where— and that I respect her and that I care very much for her feelings and that she should try and appreciate" "where I was coming from." "Okay..." "Did you get all that?" "I don't think I can repeat it all." "I'll leave now." "But just let her know that I'll be back tomorrow and the day after that until she decides to talk to me again." "He's gonna keep coming back and coming back until you—" "I heard." "And he can keep coming back, but I'm not gonna talk to him." "Did you hear that?" "She'll have to speak to me eventually, because she'll see I'm being heartfelt." "Heartfelt?" "Playing mind games with someone is heartfelt?" "I wasn't playing mind games." "I was trying to be generous." "Generous is nice;" "honesty's better." "I'm being honest." "No." "Honesty's telling someone—" "I thought you were being nice to me because you liked me." "I do like you." "No, I mean like, like you— me." "I mean... like, more than friends." "And now, it's too difficult to be around that person, because I feel humiliated and let down." "Maybe— maybe you're not giving that someone, me, a chance." "Maybe someone, you, is being too sensitive." "Well, what do you expect?" "You think that buying me an expensive lunch and expensive clothes and getting me an expensive haircut and buying Sammy's saxophone is just gonna undo years of bullying?" "Is that what you expect?" "I expect you to be mature." "I expect you not judge me the way I judged you when you were just a girl at school with fuzzy hair and huge glasses." "Don't even start, fatso." "I'm not, four-eyes." "I'm making a point." "I'm saying you walked out on me yesterday before I had a chance to finish what I had to say." "I was upset!" "I know that." "I do." "Because all I wanted to say yesterday, was— is that I've always liked you too." "So you bullied me?" "Yes." "How chivalrous." "You're welcome." ""You're welcome."" "I made friends with all the wrong people." ""I made friends with all the wrong people."" "I was influenced, easily—" ""I was influenced, easily—"" "I was fat."