"(GROANS)" "Charlotte's idea of a birthday present... half a dozen sessions with Morrie Samuels here to help tone my body, make me fit and supple." "Ooh!" "Amnesty International would have something to say if they knew what went on down here!" "Ooh!" "My body will not take much more of this, Morrie!" "Oh, yes, it will!" "You'd be surprised." " So what's your line?" " Eh?" " Your game?" "Your job?" " Oh, antiques." "We get quite a few dealers in here." "After lifting old, dusty bric-a-brac all day, they need a bit of a steam." "Like them rufty, tufty scaffolders." "Yeah, but who else comes in, apart from the S and M crowd?" "Who else?" "All sorts." "Especially all sorts!" " Yesterday, you know who lay here?" " Shergar?" "A retired British diplomat." "Spent his whole life in the Middle East." "Been everywhere, spoke every Arab dialect." "Give him a real going over, did you?" "This might interest you." "My only interest is what time you finish!" "He said he was going abroad and wanted rid of a collection of Islamic antiques." "I got his name and address." "Might be worth a shot." "Whatever you say, Morrie." "Whatever you say!" "It's a magnificent spread, Lovejoy." "My mouth is watering already." "I can taste the sausages and bacon." " Morning, Tinker!" " Good morning." "Lovejoy." "Morning, Charlotte." "Well, well, well." "Caught in the act!" "Hmm?" "Gets rid of the toxins one day, then puts them back the next!" "Charlotte, yesterday, I had three apples and one banana." "Today I'm having some food." "But you promised you'd try!" "Food is essential for a well-balanced diet." "True, Tink?" "Absolutely." "Why starve yourself to death in order to live longer?" "I'm not worried about you." "You're far too old for it to affect you." " Thank you!" "Tea?" " But you, Lovejoy!" "You've still got a few miles left." "Isn't it worth a teeny, weeny try?" "No salt!" "It makes you aggressive!" "Charlotte..." "if it tastes good, spit it out!" " Why are you dressed like that?" " To play tennis." "Sorry, we've got to see a retired diplomat about some Islamic artefacts." "That's right." "After breakfast." "Never set out on an empty stomach!" " Mr Plumb?" " MAN:" "Yes?" " Lovejoy and Tinker Dill." " Major Dill." "Yes?" "Morrie Samuels." "Islamic artefacts." "I called you." "Oh, yes, so you did." " I suppose you'd like to come in." " Yeah." "Excuse the mess." "I'm packing." "Seem to have spent the last 12 months packing and unpacking." "Take a seat." "Please, take a seat." "Lovejoy says you've lived all your life in the Middle East." "That's right." "Pick any road between Istanbul and Aden, Cairo and Kabul, you can be damn sure I've been along it." " I knew the British ambassador of..." " No, I was never in the jet stream." "I was consular." "Passports, trouble in the souk, the odd death..." "The wheels of diplomacy creaking along..." "Ever been to the Middle East?" " Never." " Not yet." "Oh, you should." "Go to the desert." "Tread in the steps of Thesiger in the Rub' al-Khali." "The sand dunes are quite awesome." "There can be over 1,000 kilometres between you and the sea." "I'd stay on the beach!" "Thesiger said that if you enter the desert, it leaves an imprint on you and brands you as a nomad." "Gives you a yearning to return." "In some men it's strong, in others weak." "As for me, I always take a bowl of red desert sand wherever I go." " It curbs the desire." " Look." "Dried figs." "Camel shit, actually." "You do have something to show us, don't you?" "Oh, I do, indeed." "But in the Middle East everything had its own speed." "Anyway, you're only getting the Reader's Digest version." "But first I want to give you a small treatise on diplomatic protocol." " We do have a busy day, Mr Plumb." " It's for your own good." " Call me Harold." "Sounds better." " Certainly, Harold." "If you are a member of Her Britannic Majesty's Diplomatic Service and you're given a gift from a member of a country that you're in, you may keep it provided that the value does not exceed £100." "Otherwise, it has to be handed over to the Foreign Office, where it is then put into auction and the original recipient may bid for it if he so wishes and that way it avoids corruption or influence." "Do you follow me so far?" " So far." " So good." "During my career, I was naturally presented with many gifts - some worthless, others valuable." "Some of the valuable ones I did hand over, but others..." "You didn't?" "Well, they were far too valuable for me to bid for, anyway." "And, in some cases, far too beautiful to relinquish." "This house belongs to my son." "He's on holiday with his wife and children in Normandy." "His wife insists that I'm gone before they return." "I'm going to San Francisco to live with my other son in two weeks' time." "So if there's anything you wish to purchase..." "The price is in dollars." "I add the caveat that it technically belongs to the Foreign Office." "We get the point, Harold." "Would you like to show us the stuff?" "17th-century incense burner, given to me by the wazir of Shibam in the Yemen." "Smell the frankincense." "Look into the mirrors and they say you can see Arabia." "This takes me back to Saudi Arabia, sitting by the Hejaz railway with a Bedouin family, drinking camel milk from this bowl - used by Lawrence." "Quite a gift, eh?" "You have some provenance, do you?" " Hmm?" " Anything written down." "No, they're nomads." "Can't write." "Thank you for showing us your collection, Harold." "We won't take up any more of your time." "HAROLD:" "Let me see..." "What's this?" "Ah, yes." "Iznik." "Turkey." "I'm told it's from around 1550." "Very rare." "Given to me by the brother of King Hussein in Amman in the '60s." "And I do have a letter - not the original, but a photocopy." " (PHONE RINGS)" " Sorry." "Excuse me, please." "Tink, one of these sold last year in Christie's for a fortune!" "HAROLD:" "Oui, monsieur." "Tres bien." "D'accord." "Glad you stayed now?" "Everything has its own speed, Lovejoy!" "I wonder what else the old goat's got, eh?" "HAROLD:" "Sorry about that." "(GRUNTS) The bag." "Ah, thank you." "Do sit down, please." "Now, let me see." "What's this?" "Oh, yes." "Ottoman tombac helmet." "Absolutely right." "Tinker?" " An Ottoman horse's chanfron." " Right again." "Want to try a date?" " 17th century." " 16th, actually." "Always had a thing for the old Ottomans." "Those pieces were given to me by a relative of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk for a small consular favour when I was in Ankara, '59." "See what I mean about them being too beautiful to hand over?" "Certainly can." "Now, this is a photocopy of the letter that came with them." "I've got more stuff in storage in Dubai if you're interested, but..." "Well, the helmet, chanfron, the jug... $100,000?" "Cash." "$100,000?" "I'd like to take photographs and show them to an expert." "Sorry, no can do." "Let me point out that I've had one offer already." "That phone call was from Paris." "They can be here in... 48 hours." "Pity to see it go, actually." "We need time to think." "Tick, tock..." "Tick, tock..." "LOVEJOY:" "Yep." "Fine, Harold." "We'll pick you up tomorrow." " We can take the stuff to Walid's." " On what condition?" "You stay in the car with Harold while I go in." "As a hostage?" "!" "More snacks between meals!" "Lunch, actually." "Not for swallowing, just for chewing." "Hmm." " Who are the suits?" " My accountant and VAT inspector." " Heavy duty." " Closing in, eh?" "Negotiating a refund, actually." "Don't forget Lovejoy's pie - they go off quickly." "Charlie Gimbert won't like this, Lovejoy." "Not one bit!" "He won't find out..." "unless you tell him." "Besides, this'll make a better impression on Harold, won't it?" "HAROLD:" "I used to have my shirts made a few yards down on the right." "Egyptian cotton, Lovejoy." "The finest cotton in the world." "Tell me the plan." "LOVEJOY:" "I go upstairs to see Walid..." "HAROLD:" "Who's Walid?" " Remind me, please." " He's an ex-employee of the Louvre." " You mean he was sacked?" " Due to illness and fatigue." "They got sick and tired of him." "He's an expert in Islamic arts and I want to make sure this is kosher." "Well, as you say, it's an Ottoman copper gilt tombac helmet." "16th century." "I remember something like this in the Topkapi museum in Istanbul." "Look here..." "You see that mark?" "It's the emblem of the Ottoman Court Arsenal at Hagia Irene." "A very fine piece." "Where did you say you got it from?" "I didn't." "Yet." "WALID:" "Hmm." "Here you are, you see." "Look." "The same mark." "The Arsenal." "I wonder if they had a football team!" "Bet it was very boring if they did." "Hmm." "A very good piece." "Not unique, but quite fine." "We had a jug like this in the Louvre." "Quite rare." "Hardly a scratch on it." " Got any provenance?" " Could have." "Are these things stolen?" "No." "You're here to sell?" "You want to buy?" "Let me contact my brother." " Tell me something, Harold." " Yes, Tinker?" "If Lovejoy were now in some secret location with all of your stuff and I were to open the door and race down the street to join him and you being not exactly a four-minute miler yourself, what would you do?" "You wouldn't know anything had happened to you... until you had a drink of water." "Yes..." "OK, Yussuf..." "Mm-hm... (SPEAKS IN ARABIC)" "We'd go to 40,000 for the jug and 50 each for the helmet and the chanfron." "That's £140,000 sterling, not Lebanese pounds, right?" "Sterling." "Bank's around the corner." "I can have the cash here in ten minutes." "Don't get an offer like this every day, do you, Lovejoy?" "You can have first refusal." "TINKER:" "He could've walked out with £140,000!" " CHARLOTTE:" "So what stopped him?" " I'll tell you what stopped me." "I've been waiting for a deal like this for years." "The opportunity comes once in a lifetime and when it does, you have to go for it all the way, right, Tink?" "This is confirmed in your horoscope?" "Walid is a sharp operator." "He'd obviously double the amount on his end." "Here it is." "I knew I'd seen it somewhere." " "Estimated at £100,000 - £150,000." - "Estimated."" "He was going to offer me one third of that." " See how sharp he is?" " Razor sharp." "All we have to do is put together" "$100,000 for dear old Mr Plumb." "Excuse me." "What do you mean, "we"?" "Charlotte, today I could've creamed off £80,000 of pure profit!" "But why stop at 80?" "If you had £80,000, your bank'd give you your own cash machine!" "Tink, that money's already on the table!" "Say we each put in about £20,000, right?" "20,000?" "Just like that?" "!" " You just had a VAT rebate!" " Lovejoy, that was for £65!" "I bought lunch." "We ate it." "Lovejoy, go to Walid, take the money." "You deserve to be certified if you don't!" "There's nothing involved." "No scheming." "You just need to make a couple of calls." "Use this." "Pardon me for saying this, but you're both missing the point." "Those three pieces could fetch over a quarter of a million quid, right?" "You said yourself the gear is bent." "It's bound to go bottom up." "But I only said that to scare him." "He himself said it was almost impossible to prove." "It's the "almost" I don't like." "Take the cash, Lovejoy." "Charlotte, this deal is good." "I mean, I can smell it." "You can have your car gold-plated." "Trust me." "You are not making any sense!" "You've never even seen 80,000 in one lump and now you're walking away from it!" "You're barking mad!" " Wired to the moon!" " No, I'm not." "But if neither of you will go along with me, I'll go it alone." "I thought you were broke!" " I'll borrow it." " BOTH:" "Borrow it?" "!" "VIKl:" "We flew from Gatwick to Rhodes, back to Gatwick." "Turned around, then on to Malaga, stopped over in Torremolinos, then off to Faro and back to Gatwick." "No time to drink your duty-free!" " LOVEJOY:" "Seen your mum lately?" " A fortnight ago." "She comes to stay for the odd weekends when I'm here." "Has she got another?" "Well, you know, a new friend, or is she..." "still with what's-his-name?" " Dad!" " What?" "Don't be embarrassed." "She still sees Howard occasionally, but they're not living together." "Howard the creep." "Still cooking, is he?" "Still using his smoke alarm as a timer." "He's an airline caterer, actually, and he helped me to get this job." "Just don't tell her you've seen me." "She always asks me if I've seen you and I nearly always say no." "Well, next week things will be different." "You and I will fly off to palm trees and white, sandy beaches and you will not be serving the in-flight meals." "If only I had a pound for every time I heard that." "These are the deeds to the flat and the relevant papers." "You bought it, so do what you want with it." "Viki, I'm not selling it." "It's your home." "Just putting it up as security until next week." "There's no risk." "Viki, if you don't trust me..." "Of course, I trust you!" "You're my dad, aren't you?" "LOVEJOY:" "Viki, if you don't trust me..." "VIKl:" "Of course, I trust you!" "You're my dad, aren't you?" "Just going, Your Honour." "Just going." "No choice, have I?" "LOVEJOY: $24,000, $25,000..." " Where d'you say it was?" " Paddington, John." "Paddington?" "Screwed a few drums in Paddington!" "Might even have done this one, you never know!" "Never thought I'd be doing business with you, Lovejoy." "Sign both, keep one." "It's 10% over one month and if you don't come up with the readies, you're out on the street." "You got that straight?" "Right?" "Yes, John, I have. 99,000... 100,000..." "I shall be back here by the 31 st." "No problem, John." "Who's it for, hmm?" "Come on, if it's tasty, I might go in with you." "It's not your kind of thing, John." "It's antiques, a couple of Turkish bits of armour and a Turkish jug." "Leave it out!" "A hundred grand?" "Sounds like a Turkish mug to me!" "Worth three times that, actually." " Hooky gear?" " No." "Well, sort of..." "Might be, certainly not." "That sort of stuff." "No risk." "Just gotta keep shtoom about it, you know." "Oh, yes..." "Very nice, John!" "Did you lay that?" "Out of your league, Lovejoy." "John?" " Got it from a Norwegian." " It's been recovered." "One has." "Don't like it." "Gives me the screamers." "See you on the 31 st." " Make that 11 o'clock, will you?" " No problem." "I'm good at judging characters and you didn't look to me like a person who would pass on a deal like this." "I've decided to throw in the rest of the stuff." "I'm sure Tinker will think of a use for the camel crap." "LOVEJOY:" "And the copies of the letters?" "They're both here." "I've translated them for you and marked where you have to change the names." "Well, that's it, then, Harold." "Let me just say thank you and wish you a pleasant time in the States." "I couldn't adapt to the city, Lovejoy." "I'll be back to the desert before long." "One last thing..." " Hmm?" " Don't contact me again." "What on earth is that?" "Dried fruits of the desert." "Try one." " I don't think so." " Low in cholesterol, Charlotte." " Arabic health food." "Could catch on." " Just had my yoghurt, thanks." "See you soon, Popov." "So you've done it." "He's raised the money." "Yes, these are all mine... until I sell them for 150,000 smackers, that is!" "Sound the trumpets!" "Hail the conquering hero!" "Thank you, Tink, but no share for you!" " How does this look?" " Better on the horse." "I cannot believe this is worth 50,000!" "Well, it is." "And once Popov does my letters of provenance, they'll go to auction." "Well, not in mine." " Popov is a forger!" " Popov's an artist!" "He should be in the National Gallery!" "A small dab with the old India tea-bag... so as not to make it look too perfect." "And there you have it." "Yeah, just needs a little distressing." "So you press it with an old hot flatiron, huh?" "You're looking now at £300." "Not bad." "20 seconds' work!" "A decent frame on it and you're looking at £400." "Don't you get carried away by all this technology!" "You're an artist, Popov, of the old school!" "You know me." "I will never prostitute my art!" " Except for money." " Of course!" "OK, I want you to create originals of these, using the name Yussuf Al Juma instead of Harold Plumb." "And, of course, you want these yesterday?" " Of course." " Hmm." " £100 each." " COD?" "The old school, eh?" "(FAKES SPITTING)" " (KNOCK ON DOOR)" " Come!" " Lovejoy?" " Not here." " Who are you?" " Major Dill, an associate chappie." "Well, I'm Sergeant Harrison." "This is Detective Constable Cox." " How do you do?" " From the Art and Antiques Squad." " CID." " How d'you spell that?" " We understand that Lovejoy..." " Known to us from previous cases." "Lovejoy is dealing in Turkish antiques owned by someone else." " Is that so?" " He's about to be monitored." "His entire life and this place will be taken apart, atom by atom." "We'll find what we're after somehow, or you can just hand it over and that will be it." " How about that for a proposition?" " You're very tall, aren't you?" "I'm sorry." "I just can't answer for Lovejoy." "What's this?" "Not cannabis, is it?" "It's Arabian fruits of the desert, a form of dried fig." "Dried fig, eh?" "I'm starving!" "That's disgusting!" "Tastes like camel shit!" "I've been grassed up, Tink." " The swine has grassed me up." " Who?" "The snake who lent me the money." " Who was it?" " Can't tell you." "I'll just flog the stuff to Walid and take the 80 grand." "My heart bleeds for you!" "How will you manage?" "Hmm..." " You're wasting your time." " What?" " Gone, ain't they?" " To lunch?" " Beirut." " Beirut?" "!" "They always go this time of year for five or six months." "Did they leave an address?" "Phone number?" "No, never." "When their stuff piles up I stick it in the office for 'em." "Excuse me." "HARRISON:" "I'm Detective Sergeant Harrison from the Art and Antiques Squad." "I'm looking for Mr Walid." "CHARLOTTE:" "Watch this, Lovejoy." "50 bounces in the morning, 50 in the evening." "Got it?" "I could bounce away from the police." "That's the trouble, Lovejoy, they're already onto you." "You can't sell this stuff publicly." "I can't even auction it off." "Ask Harold for your money back." "By the way, he's in the Diplomatic Service list as Consul for Ankara." "Charlotte, will you stop that?" "!" "You're making me nervous!" " It makes me feel seasick!" " There is one possible way out." "Take the revolver from the safe?" "Pre-empt any visit by the Art and Antiques Squad by going to the Foreign Office." "Are you mad?" "!" "They'd throw me in the tower." "No, you said yourself they'd auction the stuff." "Level with them." "Tell them you put up $100,000 and you'll turn the pieces over to them on condition that they give you 5% on top of your investment or at least give you your money back." "That way, everybody wins." " Worth a shot." " There's a time limit on my loan." "Who is this loan from?" "Doesn't matter." "The game's up at 11 am on the 31 st." "Government departments take forever." "I bet Charlotte was at school with somebody married to somebody who is high up in the Foreign Office." " Right?" " Only married to?" "CHARLOTTE:" "I think I can do a bit better than that, Tinker." "You must be Charlotte." " And you must be Lovejoy." " Piers Dow, Rachel's assistant." " Shall I carry those?" " No, I can manage!" "Well, this is Durbar Court." "White and grey Carrera marble." "We never allow red wine in here!" "Rachel says you've come down from Suffolk." "Yes, do you know it?" "Not really, but I was up there for an all-night rave about a month ago." "Rachel said we should hold the meeting where you feel most at home." "This is all part of the Locarno suite." "Through there is where the Locarno Treaty was signed in 1925." "If you'd like to put your things on the table," "I'll tell Rachel you're here." "You would you like some coffee, I take it?" " How much is it?" " Yes, please." "Yes!" "The old Locarno ballroom!" "And I thought it was in Streatham!" "Lovejoy!" "Will you please close these doors?" "Charlotte, I'm simply seeing how the tax I pay is spent." "When did you last pay any tax?" "!" "Charlotte, look at this!" "Look at the shine on this!" "The depth of it!" "I'd love to know how this is done!" "There's your answer." "Ah, coffee." "Black, please..." "Mavis." " (WHISPERS) Lovejoy!" " What?" "Charlotte!" " Wonderful to see you." " You, too!" " Rachel, this is Lovejoy." " Rachel." "Hello, Lovejoy." "Piers is taking some pictures to show somebody upstairs." "All right?" "Why don't we all sit down?" "I understand you bought them from a retired British diplomat." "Yes, a Mr Harold Plumb." "Worked all over the Middle East." "Really?" "Obviously he hoarded a lot of stuff and just never got around to returning it to you." "And you want us to auction them for you and give you your money back." "Plus 5% of the total auction price." "We realise that technically this stuff belongs to you, but this benefits everyone with the least hassle." "Well, I've got some good news and some not so frightfully good news." "Which would you like first?" "Hit me with the good." "These items do not and have never belonged to the Foreign Office." "We have no claim over them whatsoever." "Right." "Hit me with the bad." "We do know someone who does have a claim to them." "Not Harold Plumb?" "No, Sheikh Faisal bin Fahad Al Otaibi." "Who?" "!" "Sheikh Al Otaibi." "He's a Kuwaiti businessman." "He owned some very valuable Islamic antiques which were looted by the Iraqis when they invaded." "So what?" "They made hundreds of these things!" "But these items are particularly well-documented." "We hadn't realised they'd reached this country." "What about your man, Plumb?" "Will you have him arrested for possession of stolen property?" "Harold Plumb is dead." "He died several years ago, shortly after retiring." "That was him." "CHARLOTTE:" "So who's this person Lovejoy's been dealing with?" "Ah!" "That's my Harold Plumb!" "No, he's Harold Yussuf Qassim, an Egyptian." "Been selling Al Otaibi's collection piece by piece." "His mother was an English nurse who married an Egyptian calash driver, cab driver." "Never been a diplomat?" "No, he worked the embassies as a farash." "A what?" "A farash, he makes tea, runs errands..." "A tea-boy." "Lovejoy, you've just given $100,000 to a tea-boy!" "I believe he was fired from our embassy in Amman for having dubious allegiances just before the Gulf War." "Well..." "I'm sure old Sheik Al Mahatma Hal or whatever, won't mind stumping up $100,000 to get his property back, hmm?" "We could return it for you." "We'd explain the circumstances, of course." "Of course, you would!" "But I'll hand it over personally." "You do realise its legal status?" "They allegedly belong to someone else." "It's only fair to warn you there are two detectives from Scotland Yard waiting downstairs." "It'd be better all round if you left these things with us, Lovejoy." "LOVEJOY:" "Good afternoon." "I'm looking for your father, Harold Plumb, or Yussuf Qassim." "My father's called Bernard." "Lives in Leeds." " You want the housesitter." " What?" "!" "He looked after the place while we were away." " Where is he now?" " God knows." "We've been back a week." "We got him from the agency up in town." "Why don't you ask them?" "AAAAAAAAH!" "Mr Plumb..." "Mr Plumb..." "Just one moment, Mr Plumb." " We haven't counted the money yet." " Oh, it's all there!" "Ha!" "CHARLOTTE:" "You'll have to tell me, Lovejoy." "Where did you get the money from?" " Don't ask, Charlotte." " Bad as that, is it?" "Worse." "Much worse." " Come on, it can't be that bad!" " It is." "I put up Viki's flat as security." " You put up your daughter's flat?" "!" " Yes, and she'll probably lose it." "Boy, oh, boy!" "That must've taken some doing!" "Did your tail rattle as you slid across the floor?" "Charlotte, Walid's offer was like having the deal engraved on stone!" " Couldn't lose!" "80 grand profit!" " Got greedy..." "I was going to take her on holiday." "Well, now she'll be travelling in a removal van!" "Don't, Charlotte!" "Please!" "I feel gutted!" "CHARLOTTE:" "When you die you'll have so few friends there'll only be one handle on your coffin!" "And that'll be on the inside!" "POPOV:" "Such a pity it fell apart!" "But what do you expect with hyenas like John Hill?" "!" "I tried my best with these things!" "This paper is Turkish." "This paper is Jordanian!" "Pah!" "No matter." "Maybe I frame them and I put them in a car boot sale." "It's beautiful work, Popov." "It's beautiful work." "Here." "No, no, no..." "The old school, Popov, always pays its debts." "Well, Lovejoy, I do a deal with you." "I also have family trouble." "My granddaughter, Tatiana, was also screwed by John Hill." "Out of money, I mean." "She's from St Petersburg." "Same family business - bit of this and that..." "She came here on a tourist visa." "She sold John Hill a small Faberge egg." "I saw it in his safe!" "Fall off the back of a troika, did it?" "Yes, I don't know, maybe..." "Anyway, they agreed to $1,000." "And he never paid one lousy cent!" "What d'you expect with a hyena like that?" "!" "I had to pay her fare home!" "If I can suggest a way of getting the egg back, you can keep the £200." "What do you say?" "If you can suggest a way of getting my daughter's flat back, you can keep the £200." "What do you say?" "Very simple, Lovejoy." "Ah, the old Geiger counter, eh!" "The only thing missing is a beautiful scientist with blonde hair and a white coat... and revenge could be ours." "What?" "Oh, no!" "Absolutely no way!" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Mr Hill?" "Mr John Hill?" " Who the hell are you?" "!" " Dr Cavendish." "Radiological Contamination Test Department." "CHARLOTTE OVER HEADPHONES:" "By law, we have to follow up any incident which has been reported." "JOHN OVER HEADPHONES:" "Incident?" "What incident?" "CHARLOTTE:" "Some time ago you bought an egg." "A Faberge egg?" "Yeah, I bought an egg..." "So?" "Ever heard of Chernobyl, Mr Hill?" "Is it a drink?" "It's a place in Russia where there was a nuclear accident, remember?" "What are you getting at?" "Your egg is probably..." "radioactive." "Radioactive?" "!" "What are you talking about?" "!" "JOHN:" "It's a scam." "You're making all this up, ain't you?" "WOMAN ON RADIO:" "Street now cleared." "Area sealed." "Area safe." "We're on site..." "Ready to proceed." "Who's on the blower?" "JOHN:" "What's going on?" "!" "CHARLOTTE:" "Normal procedure." "We've cleared the area and had it sealed off." "Sealed what off?" "!" "CHARLOTTE:" "Specialist clean-up department." "We have to have them." "JOHN:" "Oh, my God!" "This is serious, innit?" "CHARLOTTE:" "We don't make these things up, Mr Hill." "JOHN:" "No, of course not." "Now, may I have a look at the egg?" " JOHN:" "Go on, then." " CHARLOTTE:" "Thank you, Mr Hill." "You're serious, ain't you?" "What's that?" "What's that clicking?" "That's normal." "That's just background radiation." "Now..." "Let's move a little closer and see what we've got here." "(CLICKING SPEEDS UP)" "(CLICKING BECOMES HIGH-PITCHED BUZZ)" "There's a problem." " This is really active." " Active?" "!" "What do you mean, "active"?" "!" "CHARLOTTE:" "A bit on the warm side." "Now, anything that came into contact with the egg will have been contaminated." "CHARLOTTE:" "Code Red." "I need two for a lift." "What about me?" "What'll happen to me?" "(RADIATION MONITOR STARTS CLICKING)" "(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)" "Bloody hell!" "CHARLOTTE:" "Had any vomiting, weight loss, hair falling out?" " JOHN:" "No, nothing." " Don't go over the top!" "Will I snuff it?" "Will I die?" "!" "We'll have to get you to a specialist as soon as we can." "LOVEJOY:" "John?" " Lovejoy!" " What's going on, eh?" "That egg!" "Popov's egg!" "It's killing me!" "What are you talking about?" "!" " I'm a goner, Lovejoy!" " What d'you mean, "a goner"?" "!" "Listen, about the flat, it's the 31 st." "My time's up." "Your time's up!" "What about me?" "!" "Vomiting, weight loss..." "I'm going, Lovejoy!" "Going where?" "!" "What about the flat in Paddington?" "Take the deeds!" "I don't want them!" "They're in the safe!" "Do you know a good priest?" "I mean a really good one!" "Popov's a genius." "Look." "The harder you press, the faster the signal sounds." " (MONITOR BUZZES THEN STOPS DEAD)" " Ah!" "No sense, no feeling!" "What a good day's graft." "Viki gets her flat back." " John Hill gets what he deserves." " Oh-oh!" "Lovejoy!" "Lovejoy, hang on!" "I found a priest, he's on his way." "But I've got a confession to make to you." "To me?" "Dr Cavendish said you behaved like a real man." "CHARLOTTE:" "Excuse me, gentlemen." "I must get rid of this egg." "And Mr Hill ought to get scrubbing." "The 100,000 dollars I gave you, they was, er... counterfeit, wasn't they?" "What?" "!" "You gave me $100,000 in counterfeit money?" "!" "It seemed OK at the time..." "You might end up with a smacking, but now you've got the deeds back, we're all square, right?" "Right." "You know what I should do to you?" "!" "Come on, please." "We must get on." " I hope it drops off!" " Yeah?" " Yeah!" " Well, yours too!" "Did you ever follow up that tip about that diplomat chap?" "LOVEJOY:" "He was gone by the time I got there." "Pity." "Well, there was a Chinaman this morning who said he had a load of antiques..." "I haven't finished..." " Bye, Morrie!" " Where are you going, Lovejoy?" "!" "AAAAAAAAH!"