"SCHMIDT:" "Where do you buy sheets like this?" " They have the thread count of a paper towel." " I thought they were good." " You said they were fine." " They're fine." "Relax." "He's freaking out." "Amelia's coming to town." "Which one of your depressing ex-girlfriends is Amelia?" "Freshman year?" "[SINGING]:" "You stopped in my room for no reason" "I was pretty cool to say come in" "You're sitting on my bed" "I feel like there's vibage What do I do?" "The sexual tension is crazy" "I never told her how I felt." "She's here for a couple days on work." "This is my chance." "I even got a new shirt." "Heh, heh, that's a cool shirt." "I like that shirt." "You look cool, man." "You making fun of my shirt?" "Oh, my God." "Jess, please stop working at the haunted house." "It's just through the weekend." "You all get tickets." "I'm not going." "I don't do haunted houses." " What?" "You scared?" " Little kids are scared." "Ha, ha, ha." " I just don't like it." "SCHMIDT:" "I got it." "You look like a zombie Woody Allen." "[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]:" "These brains are terrible." "And such small portions." "[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]:" "On Christmas I like to eat Chinese people's brains." "They're the only ones that are open." "[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]:" "Zombie Cristina Barcelona." "I have nothing to add to this." "[IN NORMAL VOICE]:" "I'm gonna be home late tonight, so don't wait up because I'm going over to Sam's house to mix his batter." "Oh, yeah." "[IN NORMAL VOICE]:" "Not in that costume." "NICK [IN NORMAL VOICE]:" "I don't know, the costume works for me." "A sexy undead driver's ed teacher." "That's my sweet spot." "Sam doesn't care what I look like, because I'm not his girlfriend." "And I'm gonna kick him to the curb once I've used his body like a moisturizer sample." "Hey-yo!" "[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]:" "I couldn't afford my therapist so I ate his brains." " Marx Brothers." " Here, here." " That's the one." " Good stuff." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" " Hi." " Hi." " How you doing?" " Good." "Oh." "Oh." "Ha, ha, ha, ha." "Um..." " Here's your wallet." " Oh." "Thank you." "You must have dropped it on our most recent trip to No-Pants City." "[LAUGHS]" "I didn't look in it, because I don't care and I respect your privacy." " Then how'd you know it was my wallet?" " Well played, Sam Sweeny, born in Boston, 6'4"." "I didn't know you worked in the ER until I got here." " Yeah, pediatrics." " You're a doctor for children?" " It's mostly paperwork." " Is that why you have so many cute cards?" ""Dear Dr. Sam." They call you Dr. Sam?" ""Thank you for making me better." "I love you and so does my bunny."" "Nice kid, but she can't draw for crap." "She just traced Bugs Bunny." " I didn't know you were, like, a caring person." " Same guy." "Same guy." "I'm the same guy that did you in that falafel restaurant." "And a dirty one, at that." " Please, don't do this." " Dr. Sam." "Don't start thinking I'm some amazing guy." "This is why I don't tell girls what I do." "This doesn't change how I feel." "I feel nothing." "This is purely physical." " Dr. Sam." " Oh, Ben, what's up?" "Fish tails?" "I, uh..." "How could I say no, buddy?" "Fish tail, fish tail." "Up top." "[BEN LAUGHS]" "This makes me feel nothing." "I feel nothing." "I haven't worn these in years." "Here you go." "Wow, Schmidt, you've got so many boots." "You know who doesn't?" "Guys who aren't getting laid on the reg." "Trust me, I know." "Shelby and I agreed we're gonna dress sexy this Halloween." "Hopefully that'll make us want to have sex with each other." "At night, I can actually feel gusts of frigid air coming from beneath your door." "I get it." "We're in a rut." "Without sex, she's not your girlfriend." "She's a friend you buy meals for." "Winston, I get it, man." "You're scared to end it." "You're just like CeCe." "CeCe's scared to end it with Robby because clearly she's still nuts about me." "Robby's nice." "Good guy, man." "He always has gum." "Oh, Robby." "He's such a nice guy." "I'll show you nice guy." "Punch him in his face." "Put you in a guillotine chokehold." "Then Robby's like:" ""Oh, my God." "I can't believe this." "Young Abraham Lincoln is choking me out in his guillotine."" "You're going as young Lincoln for Halloween?" "Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abe Lincoln at least once a day." " CeCe is American, so..." " Thank you for that information, Schmidt." "Yeah." "What's up, Robby?" "What's up Robby, you stupid idiot?" " You had an alter ego, remember?" " Yeah." "The guy who'd been in a coma who woke up thinking he had invented pie." ""I got a great new idea for a dessert." "Wait a second, what year is it?"" "[BOTH GIGGLING]" "That's awesome you like that." "Well, I'm really glad you're here." "Welcome to Los Angeles." "L.A., as the locals call it." "This is the city where many scenes from the film Beverly Hills Chihuahua were shot." "Yeah, it's pretty cool." " I made you up a couch." "The double eyepatch." " You trying to impress me?" "Yes, absolutely." "Are you kidding?" "CECE:" "A doctor?" "I had him pegged for a part-time tennis pro or an unemployed handsome guy." "He cares about people for a living." "It's so much hotter." " You're starting to like him now." " No, we're just co-workers." "On the night shift." "These fit great, Jess." "Really, thank you so much." "It's like a childhood dream come true for me." "To be a Ninja Turtle." " And have a beautiful girlfriend, of course." "CECE:" "Thank you." "What am I looking at?" "Robby, man to man you didn't want to wear something a little more form-flattering?" " Like a pile of towels?" "The number eight?" " Schmidt." "But how can I not knock down such low-hanging fruit?" "Speaking of low-hanging fruit, you didn't want to let out the pants?" " No." " Not even a touch?" " Nope." " You wanna look at your work?" " Looks great." " Not to a child who's staring right down the barrel." " Enough." "Coming to the festivities tomorrow?" " Actually we're..." " I think you should come." "It's for charity." "You like charity, Robby, right?" "Yeah, sure." "Like CeCe dating you." "Ha, ha, ha!" "Awesome." " Why not?" " No, I mean, we have that thing..." "Don't worry about my friends." "I'd love to hang out with yours." "We should, because I want to wear this costume out." "So I say yes." "Just keep the pumpkins away from me, okay?" "I kind of cut myself last Halloween." "I mean, not on a knife." "L..." "You know, I cut myself on the pumpkin." " You should've made a move in college." " No, I didn't have moves, Amelia." "My moves were singing to you and trying to give you backrubs." "I do remember you picking a lot of eyelashes off my cheeks." "Didn't you think it was weird that I kept showing up at your door telling you I had a family tragedy?" "How many grandparents did you think I had?" " I had a bad bag of moves, lady." " Well, they're not bad anymore, Nick Miller." "[COUNTRY AND WESTERN BALLAD PLAYING ON RADIO]" "[PANTING]" "NICK:" "Ah-ha..." "Ah, ha, ha, that's great." "Unh!" "[BOTH LAUGH]" "That is for real." "There's more where that came from." "NICK:" "Uh-oh!" "Oh, that's good stuff." "That is good." "NICK [WHISPERS]:" "Hi." " [WHISPERS] Hi." "Sam's in there." " Yeah, Amelia's in there." "High five for sluts." " Yeah." "Hey, I think I might like Sam." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] I thought the thing was you didn't like him." "I know." "But then, ahh..." " Hey." " Hi, you must be Amelia." "I'm Jess." "Nice to meet you." "Nick's told me a lot about you." " Yeah." " Yeah, it finally happened." "It's crazy." "Nick and Amelia, together." " Together, yeah." "Together, yeah." " Together." "NICK:" "Okay." "Yeah, good." "Okay." " All right, call me tonight?" " Tonight's the last night of this haunted house." "Here's a crazy idea." "What if you came?" "Well, I don't really do, you know, the costume thing." "I'm gonna be dressed up." "You should dress up too." "Because it would be cool." "For me." "Okay, I'll try to make it, darling." "[BOTH GIGGLING]" " Well, I wish I hadn't have seen that." " You wish you hadn't seen that?" " I wish I hadn't seen:" " Fair point." "What if tonight's a test?" "If he shows up wearing a costume, he likes me." " Sound logic." " I know." "Jess, I was..." "Jess, I was kidding." "SCHMIDT:" "How do the boots feel?" " They feel fantastic." "There's more where that came from." "I got a lot of boots." "Whoo!" "Look here." "One of my brothers in blue." "That gun looks real." "Let me see..." " L.A.P.D. Stand down." "Stand down." " I'm standing, I'm standing." "Look at that." "[WINSTON WHIMPERING]" "Butch it up, Axel Foley." "Shelby's coming." "Yeah." "SHELBY:" "Hey." "Hey." "What?" "What are you?" "I'm reigning cats and dogs." "Get it? "Reigning"?" "Cats and dogs?" "Those stuffed animals are gonna look good on the floor of my bedroom." " What are you doing?" " Oh!" "No, it's cool, it's cool." " Hey, guys." "Hey, Robby." " Hey, Schmidt." "I get it." "The guy who shot John Lennon dressed as a Ninja Turtle." " No." " CeCe, you're an angel, as always." "Get off my horse, Schmidt." "Hey, Lincoln, right?" "That's awesome." "I was thinking about Lincoln today." " Yeah, Robby." "We all were." " This is funny." "The two of you together on that horse, you look like a bride and groom." "I will throw you off of this horse with my bare hands." "I will." "I'm gonna tell him how I feel tonight." " You are?" " I think so." "Boo!" "Ha, ha, ha!" " What did you carve here?" " It's a secret." "Not done yet." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "What's wrong with me?" "I wanted this for so long with her, and now..." " It's just too much, you know?" " Mm-hm." "You know why I don't like haunted houses?" "Because they're just like relationships." "You walk in all confident." "Once you get in, it's not what you thought it was gonna be, and it's scary." "Nick, you've liked her for a long time." "Go in the "haunted house." I'm gonna go in the "haunted house."" "Ta-da!" "That's me, that's you, and that's our dog." "I look so scared." "Bride and groom?" "No." "No, I'm here with the Ninja Turtle." "Bride and Ninja Turtle." " I don't get it." " I don't get it either." " It's like she lost a bet or something." " What is wrong with you?" "Seriously." " It's okay, CeCe." " No, it's not okay." "You need to go home and change, Schmidt." "I know you have more costumes in your closet." "Those costumes are for Purim." "Purim's in March." "I don't care." "You're doing this intentionally to mess with me." "All right, calm down." "Everybody just..." "Calm down." "All right, Schmidt, let's take a walk." "Let's take a walk." "Let's just cut the crap, okay?" "I know you think I'm dumb." "And you can hit on CeCe and make fun of me all day long but I'm not going anywhere, all right?" " You're a big guy, you know that?" " Yeah." " Luckily I've got a stone forehead." " What?" " I'm sorry." " No, it's cool, man." " You tried to head-butt me, I had to stop you." " I gotcha." " Damn it!" " You did it again." " How do you see that coming every time?" " You make a little wind-up thing." " Hit my forehead." " You tried to head-butt me..." "I know I was trying to head-butt you." "Listen, I think there's two options here." "We can either go the way that things have been going and we'll have a big problem." "Or can we just knock this off and let's be friends, okay?" " I'm sorry." "My bad." " Okay." "I'm sorry too." " No, truce." " All right, truce." " Will you stop trying to head-butt me, man?" " I just..." " Look at this guy." "Looking great." " Oh, my God." " What?" " He came." " He's not wearing a costume." " Yeah, but he came, so..." " Hey." " Hey." "Oh, I gotta sneeze." "[IMITATES SNEEZE]" "[GIGGLES]" "I'm a clown, for you." " Just don't ask me to wear this in bed." " Okay." "[JESS GIGGLES]" "When he comes here tonight, I'll just be like:" ""Sam, crazy idea." "Why don't we take this to another level?"" "And pretend like I'm just thinking of it, but I'm not..." "[ALL SCREAMING]" "[COUGHS]" " Can you hand me my coffee?" " Yeah." "Zombie, just tell him the truth." "Mummy's right." "Take the big swing." "It's okay to be vulnerable." "You guys are right." "Life as a doctor." "Your phone must just be blowing up with life-saving texts, huh?" ""Don't die on me, Danny boy." "Use the paddles."" "No, it's a girl." " Thought Jess was working." " Another girl." "A weekend thing." "Does Jess know you're texting other girls?" "Yeah." "We're totally honest with each other, you know?" "She wants a relationship less than I do." " It's actually awesome." " Right." " And you're coming over tonight." " Oops." "And she's gonna talk to you." "Ooh." "MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:" "Welcome to..." "All right, man." "You've gotta be kidding me." "MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:" "Scream..." "Just do it, Nick." "Don't be scared, Nick." "You're a grown man." "It's just a haunted house." "Game time." "I have no idea how they deep-fry a turkey dinner but I am so glad they do, because I love it." " Yeah." "Do you love your legs?" "Because diabetes doesn't." " Where have you been?" " Oh, my God, I'm sorry." "I totally lost track of time." "We decided that we'll hang out more." "All of us will hang out more." "I remember you saying you missed hanging out with Schmidt." " Oh, Robby." " And you said that?" " Yeah, yeah, I said it, but..." " No, because I want to hang out with you too." " With Robby there." " Yeah, with Robby there." " Good, good." " Oh, yeah." "Good, good." "Lincoln, bringing the nation back together again." "Jess?" "Jess, where are you?" "MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:" "Watch your step." "Ha, ha, ha!" "Just a recording." "I'm good." "I'm good." "[ALL SCREAM]" "Okay, it's not a race." "It's not..." "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "[CLOWN LAUGHS]" "Welcome to the morgue, officer and..." "Sorry, I have no idea what that whole thing..." "I don't..." " I'm reigning cats and dogs." " What?" ""Reigning" like a queen, but "raining" like the weather." " No." " It's reigning cats and dogs." " Right." " It's a joke." " Not really." " What?" " No, I'm saying, like, it's not really funny." " It's hilarious." "You were gonna dress sexy." " A sense of humor is sexy." " I don't wanna date the queen of cats and dogs." " Reigning cats and dogs." " Makes no sense." "Don't see the Queen of England with British people stapled to a cape." " What?" " When's the last time you heard somebody say:" ""You know what's sexy?" "A woman with stuffed animals taped to her back."" "Look how good I look, how stylish." "That's not sexy." "Feels like I'm getting a speeding ticket." "Ooh, you made me so mad, my moustache is coming off." "Why do you have a moustache glued on top of your moustache?" "Why aren't we having sex?" "[GROWLS]" " Shut up, bitch." " Sorry." "Shelby, this is not working." "It's just not." "I know." "Oh, I get it." "Reigning cats and dogs." "It's funny." "It is." "NICK [WHISPERS]:" "Jess." "Jessica Day." "Where are you?" "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "No." "[CHUCKLES]" "Very effective." "Very scary." "This is fun." "This is entertaining." "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "Oh, no, Jess!" "No, no!" "Jess, no." "No, I'm her friend..." "Oh, no." "Hi-yah!" "[NICK MOANING]" "Somebody help me!" "This is my nightmare!" "[SCREAMING]" "I didn't punch a girl." "I punched a horrifying monster." "You of all people should know, Frankenstein." " You're the real monster." " Oh, give me a break." "Jess, are you okay?" "It's nothing." "Nick just punched me in the face." " What?" " Oh, my God." "No, I..." " It was an accident." "I'm sorry." " What is wrong with you?" "Good." "Look at the light." "All right, the bruise is gonna heal." "But I don't know what to do about the giant stitches." "Those are gonna scar." "And you look a little pale." "What have you been eating?" "Brains." "Habit." "I think we should go." "Sam, uh, wait." "Um..." "[STAMMERS]" "I..." "I like you." " I like you too, Jess." " No, but I care about you." "And I wanna ask you out for real, so..." "Will you go out with me?" "I can't." "I told you what I wanted." "I wasn't lying." "Yeah." "I just thought maybe you were scared to say." "I'm not scared." "This is how I feel." "Do you want me to go?" " Hey." " Hey." " Did you punch a girl?" " Yes, I did." "I'm a coward." "I'm scared of haunted houses and I'm scared of you." "I always have been." "That's right." "That is what I've been trying to remember." "I was like, Nick is great." "Why didn't I realize it years ago?" "It's because you could not tell me how you felt." " So you always knew I liked you?" " You drove me home every Thanksgiving break." "You lived in Chicago." "I lived in Florida." "I was trying to avoid the tolls." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" " How do you feel about me now?" " I..." "Great." "Good." "I can't believe that after all this time, you still can't be honest with me." "I'm sorry, all right?" "It's my fault." "I fell in love with you the first time I saw you." "That's crazy." "I didn't even know you." "It was just this idea of you." "And then..." "It just wasn't what I thought." "And what's up with the way you kiss?" "It's like reverse CPR." "It's like you're..." "Hey, I'm not an idea of a person." "I'm an actual person." "Ah..." "CECE:" "Ready?" "Two, three." "ROBBY:" "Okay, one, two, three." "[BOTH GRUNT]" "[CECE LAUGHS]" "CECE:" "Let's try it one more time." "I think you guys deserve the couples costumes." "Bride and groom." " How sweet of you." " Oh." "Thank you." "Take the hat." "That's the most important part." " Very nice of you to do that." " Hold this." "I don't need to wear a second costume." "This, and the hat, and the blazer's enough." " You need it." " Where are you going with this?" " You're not gonna..." "The pants too?" " No, no." "CECE:" "We're good." " Wear the whole thing." "Just..." "What are you gonna wear?" "Plan B was always Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike, so..." "Always gotta have a plan B, Robby." "ROBBY:" "Cool." "Thanks, man." "Wow." "I mean, look at his thighs." "They're like fleshy tree trunks." "Whoa." "I mean, he just knows how to work the crowd." "I mean, his thighs are like the size of my head." "WOMAN:" "Reigning cats and dogs." "SHELBY:" "Yeah." "Coat of arms." "You are so awesome." "Give me five." "You know, I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln but I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight." "WOMAN:" "So regal." " From a terrible relationship." "WOMAN:" "Like a monsoon." " Come on." "I know I said you shouldn't put yourself out there, but I'm glad you did." "You should be with somebody who's crazy about you, Jess." "Thanks, Nick." "That would be really nice if it wasn't coming from somebody who just punched me in the face." " Sorry about that." "SCHMIDT:" "All right, you ready?" " Mm-hm." " Let's do it." " All right, let's do it." " Okay." " Jess, let's make this right." "[SCOFFS]" "I can't do this." "[LAUGHS]" "I'm glad you're you, because Jess Day could..." "Ow!" "Mother of...!" "Damn it!"