"[ Cheers and applause ]" "The Rio Olympics are just around the corner, so get your tetanus shot and ass implants now." "This year, the International Olympic Committee has announced they'll be providing 42 condoms to each Olympic athlete." "That adds up to 450,000 condoms." "That's 450,000 more condoms than are usually available in Brazil." "[ Laughter ] That number..." "It also includes 100,000 female condoms, which means there will be" "100,000 incidents of athletes going," ""Is... is that a windsock?" "A sandwich bag?" "Oh, my God." "Did you kill a jellyfish?" "Can we just get Zika?" "I don't know how to use this."" "You know where they should've actually handed out 42 condoms per person?" "At last week's Gathering of the Juggalos." "Right." "We don't need any more of these." "You know, unless skateboarding to court becomes an Olympic event." "U.S.A.!" "I'm Nikki Glaser, and this is "Not Safe"!" "♪ Ready" "♪♪" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Welcome to the show." "First things first, let's meet the people I'll be perving out with tonight." "His first time masturbating was with an apple pie in a McDonald's bathroom." "It's Kurt Braunohler!" "Ah." "Thank you." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Yeah, for the next six months," "I thought that was the only way you could masturbate." "And she once had a first date end in a hot-air-balloon accident." "It's Margaret Cho." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Really?" "Margaret:" "Yeah." "He never called me again." "Oh, shit." "Isn't that a bummer?" "Yeah." "Near death and no phone call." "But tonight, we are talking about breakups, 'cause it's not all hot-air-balloon crashes and apple pies, guys." "Do you guys have any bad breakup stories?" "I have a weird breakup story." "Yeah?" "So, I dated a woman for 13 years, and in order..." "Geez." "I kind of said, like, "Why aren't we getting married?"" "And she said," ""I think we should sleep with other people first before we decide to get married."" "And so we did that." "Yeah." "Which is a real weird way to break up." "But, yeah, we slept with other..." "It was like a competition." "We did it for 30 days." "With Morgan Spurlock?" "It was with Morgan Spurlock." "I did the same thing in a relationship, except I didn't tell him" "I was sleeping with other people." "[ Laughter ]" "And it actually..." "it ended things, too." "Yeah." "But after a breakup, though, certain things can be ruined for you, like a place or a song." "Like, you can't go there anymore." "Do you have anything like that?" "I would never give a relationship power over the music that I love, or places that I like or food that I like or restaurants I like to go to." "I just kind of try to have ownership over my life." "That's so healthy." "'Cause now I..." "Because music has been ruined for me, like, songs I really like." "Now I'll be like," ""Our song is, like, Will Smith's 'Wild, Wild West.'"" "Like I try to make shitty music our song, so when I hear it..." "It's a good song, though." "That's a good song, though." "You like it?" "I love that song." "Yeah." "♪ Wicky wicky wild wild" "[ Laughter ]" "It's the worst song." "It's the worst song." "I have a feeling Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith could break up, and she would hear that song and feel nothing." "Yeah." "Like, that's how bad that song is." "There is actually a new museum called The Museum of Broken Relationships." "It's a real museum here in Los Angeles, and they take relics of your heartbreak and put them on display for others to judge." "So my friend, comedian Rachel Feinstein, and I went there to do just that." "♪♪" "Welcome to The Museum of Broken Relationships." "Thank you for having us." "I feel very at home here." "[ Both laugh ]" "Like, this is..." "This is, like, a museum of the human experience and what's happening now." "Where's the Taylor Swift section?" "So, the thing is, everything's anonymous..." "Okay." "...so I can't tell you..." "[ Whispering ] it's upstairs." "Okay." "I can't wait." "Let's go." "Yeah." "Okay." "Yes." "♪♪" "This is a binder of poems." "I guess this chick wrote poems during the whole relationship, and then when it was over, she was like," ""I need these out of my life."" "I understand wanting to throw away poetry." "Yeah, I understand why he might have wanted to break up with her." "[ Laughing ] How many poems can one guy receive before he's had it with her shit?" "[ Laughter ]" "♪♪" "Oh, she was dating a junkie, and he ripped this out of a pay phone and then gave it to her." "So they broke up." "And he's now single, or...?" "I hope." "What's his status?" "When you're going through a breakup, don't you kind of just want them to die so, like, they can't find someone else?" "I want, like, a series of unfortunate things to happen." "Oh, okay." "Yeah." "Like, just a hawk floated off with them." "No, I want them, like, actively murdered." "Not murdered, because I don't want to be implicated, but, um..." "Yeah, I'd like them to die." "Yes." "All right, let's keep looking." "[ Laughs ]" "What is that?" ""Pay attention to me."" "That's the most heartbreak per square inch in this place." "I'm gonna do it, too, for when I have a boyfriend, uh, and he ignores me for my next." "He definitely will." "Oh." "Thank you." "You pick the worst people." "I'm just kidding." "♪♪" "[ Laughter ]" "Okay, so, we brought some stuff from our broken relationships, and we want you just to, like, assess to see." "These." "Okay." "Noise-canceling headphones." "I'm not comfortable with my own emotions, so I would wear these and put them on and then weep." "I'd be like [cries]" "And I couldn't hear myself, so I felt like..." "I think those would absolutely count." "Everyone processes grief in their own way, so I think that that story would work." "These headphones are, like, super-expensive, so I'm gonna hold on to these." "Okay, Rach, you're up." "So, the alcoholic that I dated, this is when I knew this was kind of the last straw is," "I came home one night, and he was wasted on the edge of the bed with only this shirt on." "Just this Hawaiian top." "Pantsless?" "Balls, dick, and this celebrational Hawaiian shirt." "He was just sitting there and going, like," ""Ahh!" "Ha ha ha!"" "Like that was a good decision he was making?" "Yes." "He kept pointing to his shirt and going, "Aloha!"" "[ Laughs ] "Aloha!"" "And you dated him for how much longer after that?" "A few years." "All right." "I was aggressively lonely at the time, and he was very hot." "Um..." "Oh, this is just a bag of batteries." "I don't know what to do with batteries." "Yeah." "But okay." "I wish I could relate it to something, so that doesn't really work." "I honestly feel like I need to date more terrible people before I donate anything." "The best stories come out of breakups." "I think this is why this museum works, and, girl, you need to get yourself in some therapy." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "I only say that because I need therapy." "I'm projecting." "Do you guys have anything that would, like, go in there?" "Mm." "No." "You don't hold on to anything?" "I don't hold on to anything." "Yeah, I don't have any stuff." "Like, I keep old phones just for, like... to go over old text conversations where I was like, "God, you were needy."" "Like, phones that have been disconnected from service?" "Yeah, and you plug them in." "You can still access the texts." "Margaret:" "The texts." "Just like... just had a few drinks and sad, was like, "Let's get the old phones out."" "Exactly!" "[ Laughter ]" "I look at them..." "[ Laughing ]" "Sometimes I look back 'cause I was like," ""Oh, I was so good at dirty talking back then." "I need to, like, look at some of my good lines."" "Oh, yeah, that's good." "So you have a template to work from." "Yes, yes." "The one thing that I kept..." "I was having sex." "My boyfriend was like, "What is that?"" "And I go, "What do you mean?"" "And he goes, "There's something sharp in there."" "I was like, "I don't know what you're talking about."" "He said, "Feel it."" "So I couldn't reach it." "He grabs it..." "By the way, this was the night that Sully landed in the Hudson." "I just know that it was that night." "[ Laughter and applause ]" "There were two miracles in New York that night." "Two miracles in New York." "But he pulled out this blue cap." "And... yes." "And I was like, "I don't know what that is,"" "and he was like, "Did you just, like, stick that up there for giggles?"" "because..." "But, no..." "And I was like," ""I don't know what this is!" "This is so weird!"" "So I Googled "blue cap found in vagina,"" "and there was another girl in Des Moines that found one, too!" "[ Laughter ]" "And we were like, "It's a conspiracy."" "I was like, "Oh, my God." "We're gonna sue something."" "And the weird thing was," "I was performing in Des Moines that weekend that I found her, and I was like, "I'm gonna be in Des Moines!" "You should come to a show!" "We can trade caps!"" "[ Laughter ] And she was like..." "She was like, "No, thanks." "This is weird." Really?" "She didn't want to?" "Yeah, she didn't want to!" "I was like, "We're cap sisters."" "It sounds like a sorority." "Nikki:" "I know." "Phi Beta Kap, something." "[ Laughter ]" "Margaret, that is good." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Literally, seven years later, I was like," ""I should look up 'blue cap in vagina' again,"" "and this one girl was like, "I found this." "It's a part of a Monistat." "I'm such an idiot."" "And then I realized, "Oh, it's just..." "I had a yeast infection once and didn't know how to handle it."" "[ Laughter and applause ] So you put the whole thing..." "The whole thing!" "And the cap went in." "It was in me for like a year." "A year?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Yeah." "This." "Oh, my God." "You just never felt it?" "Nikki:" "I didn't feel it at..." "I mean, I'm not getting up in there." "I must've just really put it up high." "'Cause when I put caps up in my ass, I can feel them." "Yeah!" "[ Laughter ]" "We want to know at home, if you're holding on to anything from your exes, tweet me @NotSafeShow ♪BreakUpStuff." "I honestly think it's good to get rid of stuff, but keeping these things is a reminder of how far you've come since dating that person... or how little you've changed and how love isn't real." "We'll be right back." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Welcome back." "So, according to a study by UCLA's Williams Institute, nearly 2% of Americans identify as bisexual." "There are actually more people who identify as bi than gay, which was surprising to me." "Margaret, you are the 2%, correct?" "I am part of the 2%, yes." "Yes, you are bisexual." "Yes." "Well, there are a lot of preconceived notions out there about bisexuals, mostly from my dad, so before the show, we asked our audience to write down some of theirs." "We're gonna go through them, and, Margaret, I would love for you to set the record straight..." "or gay, whatever you want." "And, Margaret, help us debunk the junk." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Kurt, you have a card, as well." "I do." "I have some audience questions, as well." "Okay, great, great." "Okay, we're both gonna go back and forth here." "Okay." "Are you ready?" "Yes." "Ready." "Bisexuals love threesomes." "I can't even deal with a group text." "[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]" "No." "That's such a good point." "Yeah." "They're so overwhelming." "There's too much stuff." "It's like, "Aah!"" "And also, somebody's always a little bit left out, right?" "Yes!" "And it's like, "Oh, no, no, you're fine, you're fine."" "Then, la da la." ""You're fine, you're fine."" "[ Laughter ]" "What is this?" "[ Laughs ]" "Oh, I'm also playing the piano." "[ Laughter ] ♪ Da da, da da" ""You're fine, you're fine."" "You really are contributing a lot." "I'm just like..." "♪ Da da, da, da da" "♪ Da da da, da da" "That sounds like fun." "Yeah, no, that is..." "That's fun." "I call it ragtime." "It's a great time." "I thought it was ragtime!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "That is a thing you see a lot in porn is bisexuals in a threesome situation." "Yeah." "But threesomes are rarely successful." "I think, if you really want to have a satisfying group experience, go for a foursome." "Okay." "That's my advice." "I mean..." "Okay." "And then switch off midway?" "Well, I mean..." "Somebody just like blow a whistle, and then you like jump off and jump on the other one?" "[ Laughter ]" "Okay." "Uh..." "Kurt, do you have a stereotype?" "This is actually a great..." "This is a question from the audience I think is great, 'cause I think a lot of people wonder this." "Is it true that a bisexual woman's clit looks like the Prince symbol?" "[ Laughter and applause ]" "Kurt?" "Um..." "Uh, yes, that is true." "I thought it..." "I thought it had to come from somewhere." "Yeah." "You know, he doesn't just think that stuff up." "Yes." "You know?" "It's like a little..." "It was a stamp." "That's actually how he made that first one." "He put a little ink on the end of a bisexual woman's clit, and she just stamped it." "And then stamped it." "Aww." "And he's like, "That's my name!" "That's my name!"" "[ Laughter ]" "It was at a t-shirt shop." "They were printing t-shirts." "[ Laughter ]" "It was exhausting for the woman." "[ Laughter ]" "That was a rough summer on the Jersey Shore." "[ Laughter ]" "Seaside Heights!" "Um, okay." "This is the big one." "I feel like only... people only think women are bisexual and that men, "They're just gay." "They just don't want to admit it."" "I don't know." "I mean, it's kind of like there's a finality to men's sexuality." "Like, they really have to decide whether they're gay or straight." "Yeah." "And then they're not allowed to be fluid in the same way that women are." "Got it." "Yes." "Yes." "Yeah." "[ Applause ]" "Well said." "Kurt, any other, um..." "Common misconceptions?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Is it true that bisexuals are only in it for the parades?" "[ Laughter and applause ]" "You just get..." "You get them all." "You get them all." "We get every single parade." "Are there straight parades?" "What?" "There's no straight-pride parade, really, is there?" "No, no." "But there is." "There's the gay-pride parade, and then all the other parades are for straight people." "[ Laughter ] That's true." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Like Memorial Day." "That's a straight parade." "[ Laughter ]" "That is." "One more." "Bisexuals listen to Katy Perry, and they're also bilingual." "True." "Okay, great." "Thank you, Margaret." "Thank you." "You really shed some light on that." "We will be right back, guys." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Welcome back." "So, tonight, we're gonna talk about the economics of being a woman." "By now, everyone knows that women only make 79 cents to the dollar and that's actually why I shop at Forever 21 so that I can be reminded that I am forever 21 cents less valuable than a man." "[ Audience groans ]" "Obviously, we need to narrow the wage gap and the thigh gap and also the Baby Gap." "Nothing there fits me!" "[ Laughter ] I feel fat." "Equal pay for equal work is a no-brainer, so let's talk about all the bullshit women have to go through just to make less than men." "Let's start at the beginning..." "getting ready for work." "It takes the average woman three times longer to get ready than the average man and even longer if you're ugly." "That's extra..." "[ Laughter ]" "That's extra time a man can spend reading, exercising, or masturbating, whereas I have to multitask, and let me tell you, it's hard to get through "Angela's Ashes"" "while you're jack-a-lacking on an elliptical." "[ Laughter ]" "I know some of you guys are probably just saying," ""Well, why don't you just stop putting shit on your face." "We like you better without makeup."" "And to that, I'll say a resounding "[bleep] you."" "[ Cheers and applause ] 'Cause every time I don't wear makeup," "I get asked if I'm sick." "[ Laughter ]" "They're like, "Did someone in your family die?"" "I'm like, "No, I just woke up feeling pretty and confident." "Sorry." "Won't happen again."" "[ Laughter ]" "Here's the sick thing." "Studies show that women who wear makeup actually earn more money, which those women are gonna need because makeup is expensive as [bleep]" "Kurt, do you have any idea how much this costs?" "What?" "You mean the nose job?" "[ Laughter and applause ]" "I haven't yet." "It took over an hour to do this tonight, and, yes, I do feel better about myself with my mask on, but it's only because, without it, I don't deserve love." "Look..." "[ Laughter ]" "It feels like it sometimes." "I know damn well that being a woman is both awesome and a complete pain in the ass at times, but I wanted to hear it from someone who understands both sides of the gender equation, so I sat down with a friend, comedian Riley Silverman," "who came out as a woman six years ago." "Riley, I haven't seen you for a while." "It's been a long time." "You really do have an interesting perspective, because you lived as a man, and now you're living as a woman." "Yeah." "Do you enjoy the extra effort of being a woman?" "I think at first it was really enjoyable, 'cause it's part of this, like, ritual, and you're like, "Oh, my God." "I'm doing this." "This is my everyday life."" "And then after like a month, you're like, "This is my everyday life."" "Has there been a spike in costs since transitioning?" "Everything is a little bit more money." "Like, everything costs more." "Like, haircuts cost more, clothing is always more money for lower quality." "And then just even having to buy makeup." "Yeah." "This adds up really fast." "You're a pretty big fashionista." "That's got to be a huge difference in your wardrobe." "Yeah." "Talk to me about the change in costs there." "Every day, it's like I have to have a different skirt, and so that's like, in my morning, there's a lot of days where I'm that exact stereotypical," ""I don't have anything to wear,"" "even though I have a closet full of clothes." "Yes." "Not only would it be that when I was living as a man would I just wear a pair of jeans every day, it would be the same jeans." "Like, you'd wear the same jeans for like a month." "It's like how women wear bras." "Yeah, exactly." "Do you sleep in a bra?" "No." "Most women don't." "But I like..." "I need it." "It's, like, comforting, 'Cause my mom never hugged me." "[ Both laugh ]" "It really is expensive being a woman." "Products directed at women, like lotions, razors, and shampoo consistently costs more than similar products directed at men." "Because I guess it's pricey giving all of our deodorants tiny waists." ""If it isn't shaped like a lady, then how will I know it's for me?"" "[ Laughter ]" "That literally is..." "They call this price discrepancy the pink tax, because I guess vaginas are pink?" "I don't know." "Mine isn't." "Whatever." "But that's something that I don't think a lot of men ever think about, which brings me to periods." "And sorry." "I know I'm gonna talk about periods for a second, but I'm on mine, so I'll [bleep] do what I want!" "[ Laughter and applause ]" "I'm not." "I'm late." "A little while back..." "[ Laughter ]" "No, a little while back, we did this segment called "Pay Your Tab Cab"" "where I picked up guys from a strip club and then gave them a chance to win money by answering questions about women." "At one point in their ride," "I asked these men to demonstrate their knowledge of periods." "Here's what happened." "Nikki:" "All right, it is time for the Red Zone Challenge." "Are you ready?" "Excited!" "What do we got to do?" "I'm, like, on my period right now." "Here's $50." "I just need you to go inside there and just get me anything that you think will help." "Okay." "Go, go, go!" "Hey!" "What'd you get?" "I got all the good stuff." "Yeah?" "Stuffed turtle." "Okay." "Why this?" "'Cause when you're cramping, you need cuddles." "You know, you're sad." "And pink because...?" "'Cause girl." "[ Laughs ]" "Okay." "Well, we got you right here, we got you covered." "I got you the pads." "What are those?" "Those look like diapers." "They only had a 34 pack, and I don't know how many you use." "You bought me pads?" "Do you think I'm Mormon?" "I don't know how it works." "I'll just like..." "I'll roll these up and stick them up like they're tampons." "Good." "That's good." "Cool." "These are the essentials." "Ready?" "Okay." "Chocolate with almonds." "Okay, okay." "We're talking." "I even got three chocolate bars... two for you and one for me." "Oh, my God." "That's so sweet of you to think, like..." "That way, I don't have to ask for none of yours and you ain't got to ask for none of mine." "It's nice that you think about yourself in these times." "Anything else?" "Uh, I got you a Lean Cuisine." "I'm on my period, not suicide watch." "A condolence card." ""Our thoughts are with you."" "This is a condolence card 'cause you're going through your period?" "Yes." "I thought you'd need it." "You're not wrong." "For somebody who ain't never had a period before," "I think I did okay." "You really did." "You really did." "Yeah." "I hope you get one." "I hope I don't, 'cause this is a lot of shit for a period." "Isn't it?" "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "The struggle is real." "The minutes and dollars it takes to look normal as a woman add up." "So the next time I hear an actor from some movie complaining about, "Oh, I had to sit in a makeup chair for three hours to look like a monster,"" "try and remember that we do that every day so people don't think we look like monsters."" "We'll be right back." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you for watching tonight." "I want to thank my friends" "Margaret Cho and Kurt Braunohler." "Margaret's new album of music, "American Myth,"" "is now available." "And Kurt is taping his Comedy Central special at Revolution Hall in Portland on September 24th." "And I do a podcast!" "Go to iTunes or wherever you go for your podcasts and check out the Not Safe Show podcast now." "And next week, we've got Jim Norton and who knows." "Here's your happy ending, guys." "Good night, pervs." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "When I..." "When my boyfriend and I broke up," "I would, like, look at my vagina, and it would remind me of him, because that's the only time that I would look down at it was when he was down there." "So then I would, like, look down at it and be like [crying] "Oh, my God." "That was his favorite place to eat."" "Like, I was so sad." "[ Both laugh ]" "Yeah, that would be me." "I would be, like, the whistle guy." "I'd be like, "All right, we're gonna organize this, guys!"" ""When you hear the whistle, do it right, do it fast, okay?"" "Nikki:" "While on your piano?" "♪ Doo, doo, doo doo, doo ♪" "[ Laughter ]"