"I've seen you make some poor choices, Will." "But this one seems especially bad." "Marcus, I know you're afraid of getting hurt." "But I only have" "Nut..." "Up." "Shouldn't you be packing instead of sumo-ing?" "I mean, you leave in a week and you haven't packed a thing." "Packing, my lilliputian friend, is 90% mental." "So, I'm basically packed." "Is there anything you're not awesome at?" "Nope." "Now let's do this." "Sticky tape-ah." "Ah-uhh!" "Hooh!" "I was wondering if you could do me a tiny favor before you leave next week." "Name it, my son." "Uh, could you find me a new best friend?" " What's that, now?" " I need you to find me a new best friend." "You left for New York and when you came back, you chased away the only friends I had made." "I mean, it's not that I'm blaming you." "No, no, it doesn't seem at all like you're blaming me." "What do you say, Will?" "Marcus, I would love to help you find a new best friend, but it's not like you can just knock on someone's door and ask them" " to be your best friend." " Why not?" " That's how I got you." " Well played." "All right, I'm on it!" "But in the meantime..." "Hoo-ah!" "Ah!" "You are going down, bubble boy." "You are-a probably right, a-bubble Will." "That is a weird Austrian accent." "Not..." "Not Asian at all." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh, no." "Marcus!" "Here we go." " May I ask a favor?" " May I prevent you" " from asking a favor?" " Once you finally shove off, I want to turn the dumbwaiter into a fermentation station, so I can brew my own ginger kombucha for my doula class." "It's a natural anti-nauseal," " don't you know?" " Oh." "So can I borrow some tools to really seal off" " your side?" " All I really heard was" ""once you finally shove off," which is just a super-warm and fuzzy feeling, you know?" "I'm just deeply touched by the whole..." "Might I remind you that it was you who ripped yourself out of our lives months ago, but that now our scars have completely healed." "I am going to build your fermentation station for you." "That is very kind of you, Will." " It's also very egotistical." " I'm sorry?" "Marcus and I don't need your help anymore." "We are managing fine without you." "Marcus just asked for my help finding..." "Bup, bup, bup, just the tools." "Wait, babe, have you even rented a moving truck yet?" "Well, I'm not just gonna throw my guitars and instruments in the back of a truck." "Have you packed anything yet?" "Yeah, yeah." "Most of it's packed." " Just some odds and ends left." " Well, then show me." "Show me what you've done." "I wanna see it." "Well, that's the thing." "The camera on my iPad has been super weird lately, and it's making things" " look super un-packed. - You haven't packed a thing." "No." "No, I haven't." "But I got bubble wrap." "That's mission critical." "All right, listen." "I get it." "You know, you're moving out, you're selling your place..." "It's an emotional time for you right now." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "There's no emotion." "There's no emotion." "It's just stuff." " I'm gonna do it." " I have an idea." "How about this?" "You rent a truck," "I fly out there and we drive your stuff back to New York together." "That way you don't have to worry about, you know, your precious guitars." " Is that doable?" " Yeah, it's way doable." "I have a bunch of vacation days I have to use or lose, and we've barely seen each other because of my crazy schedule." "Driving cross-country with my stuff in a truck and my lady in a truck." "Oh, I'm gonna have to get a truck hat." "Great." "Okay, so then I'll take care of the ticket and I'll fly out on Wednesday." "Okay." "Uh, wait, wedne..." "Wednesday's in like two..." "Hold on, babe, my beeper." "Okay, hold on." " Wednesday's in two days." " Um, babe, it's surgery." " I love you." " Wednesday's in two days." " Pack your stuff, okay?" " Do you hear me right now?" "Bye, baby." "I love you." "Did we lose... did we lose connection?" "Two days is a..." "Marcus!" "Will?" "What are you doing here?" "We got two days to find you a new best friend to replace me, man." "Odds of success?" "Yeah..." "We got this." "So, Douglas, I'm assuming like Marcus here, you fear sports and suck at them?" "Perfect." "Uh, so what do you like to do" " with your "me" time?" " I'm a level 41 kundu master." " Wanna battle?" " Next." "I'm into aeronautical memorabilia." " Excuse me?" " I collect barf bags." "Dork!" "Next." "I'm into mooing." "Moo." "It just became so clear, you know?" "Marcus can't find a kid his own age to be his best friend because they're beneath him..." "Socially and emotionally." "So I need to find him an adult best friend." "Possibly an adult best friend named..." "Andy." "I have three kids under the age of six." "I have another child on the way." "He's mean to me." "And the rivalry thing?" " Very weird." " What rivalry?" " What are you talking about?" " You don't see it?" "He's constantly competing with me for your affection." "It's so obvious and it's so one-sided, 'cause I'm not competing with him for your affection, that's ridiculous. 'Cause I'd win." "I would win." "Right?" "Would you do it for my video village?" "Are you messing with me?" "60-inch ultra 4k high-def TV..." " Uh-huh." " State-of-the-art gaming system." " Throwing in the games?" " Everything." "That controller isn't even out yet." "Be his best friend, and all of it is yours, Andy." "You know what, I'm gonna do it." " I'll be his friend." " Yeah, baby!" " I'll be his best friend." " Yes!" " Hey, Will." " Hey!" "Sorry about the whole friends thing." "Guess I'll just learn to fly solo." "Why fly solo when you can be hanging with your new best friend, Andy?" "Pass." "Who else you got?" "He just say, "pass"?" "You see the stink eye?" "You see it?" "Ohh..." "Uhh..." "I'm not asking him for his help." "I'm..." "Gonna do this." "Oh... oh!" "Bugger!" "Oh." "Okay." "Nah, it's fine." " What the hell?" " Hello, there." "Gosh, look, it went all the way through, didn't it?" "Are you seriously kidding me right now?" "Well, don't get your knickers in a twist." "Not that bad." "Not that bad?" "I have a broker showing this house in three days." "I'm thinking it's less than ideal to show a house with a crater in the wall." "I will fix it." "No!" "That is a horrible idea." "I'm gonna have to stop what I'm doing to not only fix your dumbwaiter, but also build your stupid kombucha closet so you don't do any more damage." "No, no, no, no." "I'm not asking you to build anything, Will." "I just need some proper bloody tools with non-stick bloody handles, that's all." "Although you might not need my help, your son Marcus badly needs it to help find a new best friend to replace me." "Thus, The Dating Game setup that you see before you." "Wha... wha... wha... what?" "I have three friends coming over to be candidates, and Marcus is gonna choose which one he likes best." "You're playing a game to set a date with my child?" "Are you completely insane?" "To help Marcus find a friend..." "An adult like me who will be sympathetic to what a special, weird little dude he is, because that's what he needs." "Will, Will, Will, Will, Will, Will." "Your head is so far up your ass if you think that that is the best way of finding Marcus a friend." " Do you have a better idea?" " Why don't you just teach him some of your social skills, you know?" "Why don't you tell him how you made all your new friends in New York?" " My friends in New York?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Yeah, all right, I mean, I met my..." "I met my, uh, my Asiago bagel dude, Edelman." "He locked me out of the store." "We had a thing going." "Um, oh, and then there's Vlad, my obese, eastern European doorman guy." "He's always like, "vat is your name?"" "But, like, he knows my name." "Then there's the newspaper kiosk dude across the street who, like, totally knows that I always go with The Post, but, like, sometimes, I'll fake The Post and then I'll go with Rolling Stone." "He loves that." "I don't remember his name." "I think it's Hiram." "It..." "It sounds like you haven't actually made any friends." "No, I mean, not great ones, but..." "You know, I-I will." "You still got Sam." "The thing is, I just don't see her as much as I'd like to, you know, 'cause she's..." "Her schedule's crazier than it was even here, but..." "It is what it is, you know?" "It's still cool." "Doesn't sound that cool." " Yo, yo, yo!" " Yo, yo, yo, DJ!" "What's up, man?" "I came to pick up that microwave, baby." "Love that grill function." "Oh, hello, my fair lady." "DJ." " What's with the wall of boxes?" " All right, microwave's yours." "How would you like to play a game for my TV, my gaming center, and all my games?" " Bro, I am insky." " Insky and hutch." "All right, hello, everyone, and welcome to The Potential Friend Game." "Now, if I win this game," "I am gonna take the TV and the games and the system home tonight?" "Yes, yes, all right?" "Just chill." "Marcus, let's take it away." "All right, potential friend number one." " Yes, that's me." " Moving on." " What do you mean, moving on?" " Potential friend number two?" "How can he move on?" "Come on, that's not fair!" " Marcus?" " Fine." "If we're going for a picnic lunch, what would you pack?" "This is easy." "I would pack peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." "You just killed him!" "Nut allergy, dude." "Did you bring an epipen?" " Is it like a ballpoint pen?" " Andy, are you serious?" "Next potential friend, number two." "All right, potential friend number two." "I'm 15 and it's time for me to start shaving." "Wet shave or electric?" " Easiest question ever!" " Eh..." "When it comes to close, nothing beats a blade." "A blade?" "You killed him?" "You're giving him a blade?" "He just cut himself last week on a plastic spork." "I had no business handling it." "If you guys are gonna treat this like a game..." "It is a game." "That's what we're playing." " Playing a game..." " Just..." "Shh!" "Contestant number three." "Marcus is going on a first date." "He wants to borrow the car." "What do you do?" "I verify his insurance coverage and give him the keys." "Dead!" "All three of you have killed a 12-year-old boy." "You obviously rent him a limousine because he's under age, and so he has a better potential of scoring with the hot bait that's in the back of the car with him." " Obviously?" " Guys, these are softballs" "I'm throwing at you." "All right?" "We haven't even gotten to the hard questions yet." "I hope that's another contestant." " Oh!" " Hey!" "Oh, hey." "Oh, my God." "You're... you're early." "I know, I wanted to surprise you." " Um..." " You, um..." " You haven't packed anything." " Well, uh" " Ciao." " Hey, how's it going?" "You're mad?" "Are you mad at me?" "I rearranged a lot to get here, Will." "I know that." "But you weren't supposed to be here till noon tomorrow." "So, what, you weren't gonna pack up until then?" "I mean, have you even rented a truck yet?" "See, I'm confused because you seemed really excited about driving cross-country together." "I am!" "I'm so excited." "I got my lady, a truck." "My lady in a truck." "I fly all the way out here and I find you screwing around with your buddies." "I'm not screwing around." "I'm busting my ass trying to find Marcus" " a new best friend." " By reenacting" " The Dating Game?" " I didn't say it wasn't a reach, okay?" "Look, I'm sorry, but I cannot leave here for good without knowing that Marcus is taken care of." "Right now?" "When you have your entire life to pack up and move across the country." "He's lonely, okay?" "And I might know something about that, 'cause it hasn't exactly been like..." "I haven't made a ton of friends in New York." "But it's... it's no biggie." "I will." "I just..." "I get what he's going through 'cause I..." "It's like when you are used to all your boys being around and then they're gone, it just doesn't feel great." "I get it." "I do, I get it." "But I have to get back to work, okay?" "So if you can't get this place packed up in a day," "I'm gonna have to fly back to New York without you." "Okay." "Will?" "Andy?" "Hey." "Uh, bud, listen." "I, uh..." "I had to drop the whole friend search thing to pack up." "I'm so sorry." "Not a problem, Will." "I've decided to give Andy a trial shot at being my new best friend." "What?" "Yes!" "That is so hype." "Dude, you hear that?" "Yeah, it's super, super hype." "I need to know exactly what Will looks for in a friend." "A boyfriend." "I'm sorry, you just said boyfriend." "What exactly are you working on there, pal?" "Focus, Andy." "I need you to get me a picture of Will where he looks awesome." "Like, on the beach." "Um, I'm not sure what you're going for here." "Andy, just scroll through your phone and get me your best Will picture, okay?" " A little bossy." " Come on!" "Let's get moving..." "Buddy." "Someone's got their bossy boots on today, huh?" "What, are you okay?" "Yeah." "I was just getting some pretty paranoid ideas as to why you were" " putting off packing." " Really?" "Well, banish those thoughts forever." "Everything has worked out." "I got Marcus a friend, and I'm packing all this stuff up, getting it ready to load up and drive off into the sunset, for you." "Hey, I'm busting my balls packing your crap up." "You think you could put out a cracker or something?" " I-I could go for a cracker." " Yeah, we're hungry." "Less talking, more packing." "Ugh." "Man, I have just been getting a barrage of the gnarliest emails." " Look at this." " That's disgusting." " That is sick." " Why would anybody" " send you this?" " I have no idea." "And I've got like 50 of them." " Will Freeman?" " Yeah." "We're with the San Francisco police department." " Okay." "Can I help you?" " Did you post an ad online seeking sex with an underage boy?" " What?" " No, not a word, Will." " I'm his attorney." " Oh." "I'm on the clock." "And I ain't cheap." "Uh, no, he doesn't have any money." "Why don't we go downtown and talk about this?" " What, no, no, no, no, no." " First, I thought that you guys were strippers, but now..." "I am less sure." "Say something, lawyer!" "Officers, don't talk to my client, and you..." "I don't like that tone." " I hired you." " Uh, excuse me, officers." "Does this ad possibly say, "lonely, bi-man seeks special boy, 12, for deep friendship in Manhattan"?" "It does." "That's my ad." "Look." "Marcus, what are you doing?" "I'm so sorry, Will." "It's just that you tried so hard to find me a friend like you so I wouldn't be lonely here." "I want to find you a friend like me so you won't be lonely there." "Marcus, man." "Come here." "Oh, man." "Hey, why did you say bi-man?" "Bi-coastal, right?" "Yeah, that makes sense." "Yeah." "Why does Will like 29-year-olds?" " Why?" " Because there's 20 of them." " Don't listen to that." " When they put you on those registries, do they have to like take your picture or you just have to fill out a form?" "Oh, man, that is so childish." "Which is just your type, Will." "Oh!" "We're done piling on the pedophile here." "Oh, Will's new favorite board game." " Oh!" " Good joke!" "Um..." "I would like to make a toast." "I would just like all of you to know that, um..." "That I'm gonna miss the crap outta you guys." "And that, uh, that no one has ever had a better bunch of friends." "You're more than friends to me, really." "You guys..." "Are my family." "So..." "And I'd say something to all of you, but I probably wouldn't make it through it." "There is one person here that I can't really say good-bye to." "Marcus, I am not gonna look for a friend like you in New York, 'cause there's no chance in the world I'd ever find one, man." "Will?" "Can you pull over?" "Remember that night that we stole the paddle boats?" "Of course." "That was like the best night ever." "And the paddle boat police guy started chasing after us?" "God, I don't think I laughed that hard, well, ever." "That was so fun." "I remember thinking to myself, this is insane, you know?" "I barely know this guy, but I love him." "Yeah, me too." "Will, um..." "I think I should fly back to New York and I think that you should drive this truck" " back to San Francisco." " What?" "I don't think this is what you really want." "It is what I want." "Look at me." "I want you." "Your toast last night..." "It was so beautiful." "You said that those people..." "They're not your friends." "They're your family." "That is your life." "No." "No, this is because I said that stupid thing about having... needing friends in New York." " No..." " Who cares?" "I don't need friends, and if I do, I can make 'em." "I love you." "That's it." "That's all that matters." "I love you too." "Fiercely, I love you." "But I won't take you away from where you're supposed to be." "I just..." "I can't do that." "I just can't." "♪ goodnight ♪" "I..." "Oh, gross!" "Ugh." "Uh..." "I'm back, for good, and I would appreciate if someone would clean up this vomitous stench." "I'll get right on it, Will." " You all right?" " Well, I've been better." "Welcome home." "Hey, this door isn't gonna fix itself." "Oh, bloody hell." "Uhh..." "Uh-uh-uh-ohh!"