" Oh, I'm Xavier." "With an X." " Your life is so much fun!" " Got to live life while I can." " What does that mean?" "Humankind only has eight months and 12 days left on Earth." "You're serious?" "Yeah." "The apocalypse is, um... nigh." "This is my apocalyst." "This is every last thing" "I want to do before things go kaput." "You in?" "Previously on No Tomorrow..." "I have real feelings for you." "I'm not ready for this to be over." "I do not wish to be involved with you any longer." "Will you make me the happiest man in the world for the third time?" "I accept your proposition." "(Deirdre and Pete laugh)" "No one cares about the math, bro." "That's not your story." "Xavier is." "Theoretically, if I had been dishonest..." "Sorry, I wasn't listening." "I was just researching Evie's boyfriend." "Fernie?" "Without Fern's skilled money-raising efforts, you are now manning a sinking ship." "He's not who he says he is." "His name isn't even Xavier Holliday." "Oh, my God." "Who the hell are you?" "You lied to me." "Your real name is Hamish Stegner, Jr., and you have a criminal record?" "Why wouldn't you tell me any of this?" "(Chuckles)" "Look, I needed a fresh start, so I changed my name." "And that rap sheet?" "Eight arrests in five months?" "Yeah, okay, so there's a little light trespassing, some disorderly conduct and a splash of public indecency, but, I mean, this is pretty normal youthful rebellion where I'm from." "Well, I'm trying to figure out who you are." " Oh, come on." " I don't know if you're Xavier" " or Hamish..." " Relax." " or some kind of con man." " Relax." "No, I came to you, giving you the benefit of the doubt, hoping for an explanation, and you're acting like I'm being irrational." "Yeah, because this stuff just isn't relevant anymore." "And when the clock is ticking, what is the point of... of digging up the past?" "I think it matters." "Well, I promise you, it just doesn't." "Then I just..." "I need some time to think." "(Both sigh)" "EVIE:" "It's kind of unforgiveable, right?" "If you found out Sofia used to be... a diamond smuggler named Angelina..." "You just described one of our role-play scenarios, like, scary accurately." "You're not helping." "I know." "Sorry." "But honestly I think I'd give Sofia a free pass." "Apart from the fact that my brother hates me and maybe always will," "I can't believe how much I like being engaged." "Ugh, after witnessing Deirdre accept Three-Pete's proposal, that word sounds like scissors in a garbage disposal." "She divorced him twice already." "Like, it's so obvious that she should clearly be with..." "DEIRDRE:" "Hank, Kareema," "Evie." "I just got off the phone with Corporate, and they are concerned that it will be difficult to get CyberHugs back on track, now that we've been so callously burned by Fern." "(Whispers): #FernBurn." "Well, it will definitely be an uphill battle, but I am confident we can turn CyberHugs back around." "Indeed." "I told them you were so inspired by my thoughtful leadership that you've already started vetting a splashy new charity for CyberHugs." "What?" "Corporate will be here in a matter of days to note your progress." "Chop, chop." "Ugh." "Was that weird?" "It seemed weird." "Can I have your bacon?" "(Whispers):" "Okay." "Yeah, I know these terrariums build a better future for the tree frogs, but what if they start to deny where they came from?" "So, I think I speak for everyone when I say, how can I trust you?" "Your logo is how people know you." "It's... it's who you are." "You can't just change who you are." "Got a little Xav on the brain?" " Possibly." " HANK:" "You know what I've noticed since taking over your quality control job?" "What, the dollies in fulfillment are always sticky?" " Yeah, that." " I know." "But, um, but, also, you have to think super logically all day." "And that rational brain of yours has been on sleep mode for a couple months." "Strap in, fire it up, tackle this Xavier thing with some cold, hard Evie logic." "And... still nothing." "Dude, I'm on hour 19 of radio silence from Evie." "Yeah." "New name, criminal record... it's a bit of a bombshell, man." "You got to let her soak on that for awhile." "So I changed my name?" "People do it all the time." "Woody Allen." "Jon Stewart." "Pink." "Xavier Holliday is who I am, and it's who she fell in love with." "Hamish Stegner, Jr., is about as relevant as... as this Romney campaign poster." "Dude... how good does this guy look now?" "Yeah." "Look, I think Evie just feels duped, like she doesn't know the real you, so just show her that she does." "Yeah." "(Drums and electric guitar playing outside)" "XAVIER:" "Hey." "I know that you feel betrayed, and I know that you feel like you don't know me, and I am here to tell you that you do." "I am that same guy who you jumped off a cliff with." "I'm the same guy who wrote you street poetry, and I am the same guy who turns up at your house and does spontaneous stuff to remind you to live in the moment." "And that's why I brought in" "Seattle's premier Whitesnake cover band, Albino Cobra, to play a private concert just for you on your lawn." " Xavier..." " And before you say anything, we have the noise permits." "Xavier." "You're right." "You have shown me how to live in the moment." "I've had more fun since I met you than... well, ever." "But then I took another look at everything." "You told me your mom died while you were in college." "The dates of those arrests, they're right after her death, aren't they?" "Yeah." "I was broken and I acted out." "And your name, Hamish Stegner, Jr.... it's clear that you changed it because of your father and, you know, whatever went on between you two." "Look, it's a messy, complicated story." "Yeah, and I asked you to tell it." "I begged you to... and you wouldn't." "Hey." "Fine." "Fine, then ask me whatever you want." "No, it's-it's too late." "You know, I've had this... this wave of rationality finally hit me." "You lied about your debt, your past, your name, and you just shrugged it all off." "You know, I can't be the girl in the romcom who overlooks serious issues just because the guy is charming." "You've convinced yourself the past doesn't matter because you're afraid to confront it." "You need to face your mother's death and whatever happened with your dad." "I was just..." "I don't know, waiting for the right time." "I don't know." "You tell everyone to face their fears while there's still time, but you refuse to face yours." "(Clears throat)" "Look, our pasts make us who we are, and you're in denial of yours." "(Sighs)" "I can't be with someone who refuses to be his whole self." "This is over, Xavier." "Thanks for joining me." "I needed a post-breakup drinking buddy." "TIMOTHY:" "How about two?" "I invited T-Time." "Since we're all fresh out of relationships," "I thought it was time to reunite Destiny's Child." "Yeah, the broken hearts club version." "We are survivors." "We are irreplaceable." "So, let's rack up some bills, bills, bills at this bar." "I don't know if I can keep on survivin', guys." "I'm drawn to Deirdre like a magnet, but now she's more off-limits than ever." "How do I fix it?" "Like, how do you turn off a magnet?" " Well, in some cases, the polarity..." " (Phone vibrates)" "Hello?" "DEIRDRE:" "Come over right now." " I need you." " Oh, okay." "Magnet fixed." "You guys just do whatev..." "(Evie chuckles)" "♪ Almost forgot to breathe... ♪" "Uh, hey, listen..." "I hope you know that when I gave you that information on Xavier," " I wasn't trying to..." " Oh, I know." "But I'm glad I found out." "You know, it... forced me to confront a few things that, honestly," "I had been avoiding for too long." "In fact... uh..." "Hey, uh, can you throw this away for me?" "Thanks." "What?" "No more apocalysting?" "That was Xavier's thing." "I need to figure out who I am without him." "Well, independent woman, what's your first step?" "I don't know." "What did you do when..." "When Fern, the maniacal embezzler, ditched me for Uruguay?" "I spent eight hours on my couch in my underwear watching a Grocers' Blowout marathon." "BOTH:" "You got souped!" "(Both laughing)" " That was our show." " Mm." "Is Emerald Sitay still the host?" "Yeah, she's celebrating her, like, 45th year there." " (Laughs)" " CROWD:" "Grocers' Blowout!" " Oh, my gosh, what a woman." " Mm." "Remember when I looked into being a contestant?" "But the wait list was, like, three years, so you never signed up." "You know what, I'm putting my name on that wait list today." "In three years I am winning Grocers' Blowout." "Well, good for you." "(Both chuckle)" "DEIRDRE (groaning):" "Oh, God." "Hi, Hank." "I have a cold." " (Coughs)" " You called me over here to take care of your sick self?" "That's Pete's job now." "Pete's in Wenatchee, scouting orchards for the wedding." "He really wants people to toast our marriage with freshly-pressed cider. (Coughs)" "Oh, that's great." "Have a good one." "No, no, Hank." "(Sighs)" "I know our former romance muddies this request, but you are the one person" "I need right now." "(Sighs)" "As my assistant, you never took a single sick day." "Which means you're either a statistical outlier or you have discovered how to fortify the human immune system." "Maybe I have, maybe I haven't." "Why can't you just ride this out?" "This is the week Archie Fieri visits the warehouse." "The fire inspector?" "DEIRDRE:" "He's the toughest fire inspector in Seattle; some say it's because he lost his eyebrows in a terrible fire." "And I am the only one who knows how to avoid his fines." "Then just reschedule." "Archie Fieri reschedules for no one." "That's actually written on his business card." "And he has the power to shut down the warehouse until it's up to code." "My warehouse." "All right, all right." "The Barkley family does have a secret recipe for germ annihilation." "It's called vitamin B13." "It's like vitamin B12, but, you know, there's one more "B."" "I'll make it for you tomorrow." "What's in it?" "Uh... better if you didn't know." "My stuff with my dad has nothing to do with our relationship." "But she thinks we can't really be together until I address it, but that's not her call to make." "Exactly." "If you cared about this thing with your dad, it'd be on that lyst of yours." ""Talk to my dad" is number three." " Oh." " Yeah." "I just recently read about this fringe therapist who believes you shouldn't confront trauma until at least a decade after it's happened." "So, just wait till then." "Right, except that, at the ten-year mark, the Earth will be a smoldering piece of space rubble." "(Whispers):" "Yeah." "You're running out of excuses for me to use, huh?" "Really struggling here, yeah." "Listen, I get that you're afraid..." "I'm not afraid of talking to my dad." "It's simply that it would require me to address some deep-seated emotional damage that I would rather not explore at this juncture." "Yeah, I just heard myself, too." "Yeah." "(Camera clicking)" "(Camera clicking)" "Thank you for letting me crash your lunch break." "I think I'm gonna call this series" ""Warehouse Faces." "A Study of Capitalist Oppression."" "Uh-oh." "What's wrong with my immigration paperwork?" "It says here that the I.N.S. is gonna look into my work history, including performance evaluations." " So?" " So..." "I barely try at this job." "I mean, I've never looked at my evaluations, but I'm sure they say things like," ""Kareema barely tries at this job."" "Well, maybe it's not too late to turn it around." "Make sure you get some good customer reviews before the end of next week." "(Sighs):" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You def deserve a full refund on that hair spray." "I am sending you a shipping label right now." "Ooh, Cedar Rapids." "See ya later, Iowa-Stater. (Giggles)" "You've definitely never been that nice on a call before." "Ugh, niceness is exhausting." "No wonder you stay so thin without exercising." "Did you find a splashy charity yet?" "I did." "Uh, Forks in the Road." "It's actually a really neat organization that delivers fresh food to the homeless." "I used to volunteer for them in college." "I'm not afraid of digging into my past." "You know, I can see actual waves of passive aggression emanating from you right now." "Sorry." "I'm just frustrated." "This was just delivered to me." "_" "What does it mean?" "It means Xavier still doesn't get it." "He thinks he can win me over with big gestures, like they're some kind of drug I'm hooked on." "Anyone have any codeine?" "You keep your codeine in a can?" "What do you keep yours in?" "(Sighs)" "(Line ringing)" "OPERATOR:" "Mathematics Department." "Hi." "Uh, Professor Stegner, please." "(Phone clicks, beeps)" "HAMISH:" "This is Hamish speaking." "Hi, Dad." "(Knocks)" " Hi." " Hi." "Um..." "Look, I..." "I know it can't be easy for you right now." "It's... it's not easy for me either." "But, you know, trying to win me back with another adventure just won't help anything." "Evie, I'm not trying to win you back." "I know you think it's charming." "Evie, I-I don't..." "I don't know who sent this to you, but it wasn't me." "And, look, I'm really happy to see you, but your timing isn't great." "I called my dad last night." "And we've arranged to meet." "He's on his way here right now." "Wow." "So you actually did it." "(Sighs) Yeah." "And the hardest part's still to come." "Well, you'll get through it." "You know, I have faith." "Yeah, well, look." "Have fun on whatever adventure awaits you." "Maybe you can tell me about it later." "(Sighs):" "Oh, my God." "You haven't changed a bit, son." "Dad." "(Both grunt)" "XAVIER:" "I apologize." "It's just, I've been fantasizing about doing that for a very long time." "Yeah, well, I hope it was everything you dreamed of." "You brought her." "Yeah." "I think you deserve her." "I'm gonna make some proper tea." "Hello?" "Did the B13 work?" "DEIRDRE:" "Hank!" "Whoa!" "Sweet Snowden's Wi-Fi!" "I have hives, vertigo and a grotesquely swollen ear canal." "Are you sure you made the B13 correctly?" "Yes." "Okay, okay." "Yeah." "I put codeine, garlic, keyboard cleaner, a teaspoon of powdered kumquat." "Ah!" "Allergic to kumquat." " What are we gonna do?" " Okay, all right." "First, just, you know, let yourself go." "Just let gravity have its way with you, girl." "All right?" "Okay." " There you go." "Look at that." " (Groans)" "The floor's like a big pillow." "Listen." "Let me show Archie around, all right?" "Just teach me how to get everything ready and answer his trick questions." "(Gasps)" "I saw a motion picture on cable television yesterday." "It's called Roxanne." "What if I fed you the answers like in Roxanne?" "Like Cyrano de Bergerac." "Please, don't speak French around me." "You know how I feel about that country." "I like the window treatments." "They're very, uh... breezy." "I don't want to talk about the windows." "I want to talk about what you did." "Well, I thought we might just kind of ramp up to that." "Well, I've been ramping up to that for nine years, so... (Phone vibrating)" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I told her to only call if it was an emergency, so this might be." "Hi." "Is everything okay?" "Oh, hi, Zoey." "Yes." "I can do your homework with you when I get back to the hotel, but I'm in the middle of something right now, so I've got to go." "Bye-bye." "Are you kidding me?" "You brought them to Seattle?" "Well, I..." "I thought that if this went well, you might want to meet them." "Oh, my God." "I don't remember you helping me with my homework." "Or anything, for that matter." "I remember looking after Mom when you were nowhere to be found, because you were starting a new family with Rose, and having Zoey, who, by the way, was born five months after Mom died." "I..." "I had to watch Mom die all on my own." "Once again you made it very clear which family actually matters to you." "(Clears throat)" "♪♪" "(Sighs)" "EVIE:" "We bought that map at a city planning fair four years ago." "Okay." "I was worried you weren't gonna put it together." "Timothy Finger and Evie Covington, checking in." "Okay, go on in." "How'd you make this happen?" "Do you remember that video of me at the STEVEN-Spiel?" "I've always felt..." "Oh, good Lord!" "Well, it's resulted in some mild local notoriety." "So I leveraged that notoriety to help us cut the wait list to be a contestant on..." "ALL:" "Grocers' Blowout!" "ANNOUNCER:" "With Emerald Sitay." "(Audience cheering)" "(Laughs)" "KAREEMA:" "Kareema, queen of customer care." "How can I help you?" "Uh-huh." "Ooh, that sounds bad." "I can send you a return shipping label." "What's your address?" "Hey." "Uh, I'm gonna run around the warehouse and check all the emergency exit signs." "You want to help?" "I can't." "Customers have started requesting me." "I'm a Cybermart siren; it's a nightmare." " (Computer dings)" " Ugh." "And now they're gonna reward me for it." " I do such idiotic things for love." " _" "And sex." "Mostly sex." "Yeah." "Well, if you can't help me, where's Evie?" "I don't know; she's still on her lunch break." "Still?" "What kind of lunch takes so damn long?" " (Buzzers sounding)" " Bananas flambé." "Waldorf Salad." "Orville Redenbacher." " Mm!" "Yes!" " CROWD:" "Oh!" "(Crowd laughs)" "Still Life with Fruit and Ham." "The portable juice box!" " Got one!" " (Applause)" "Ah!" "Ooh!" "I got one, too!" "(Cheering)" "Final question." "Whoever gets this wins a $200 gift certificate good at any Seattle bar or restaurant." "(Audience oohing)" "Four of the most powerful families in ancient Rome took their names from what kind of food?" " (Gasps) - (Dinging)" "Beans!" " Yes!" " Evie!" " You are wrong!" " (Buzzer sounds)" "Timothy, for the steal." "That would be legumes." " (Dinging) - (Laughs)" "(Audience cheering)" "Tim Finger, you are today's winner!" "Evie." "As today's loser... (Siren wailing)" "(Screams, laughs)" "EMERALD AND AUDIENCE:" "You got souped!" "(Audience cheering)" "(Coughs)" " That was a blast!" " (Laughs)" "Yeah, I thought you might like that." "And..." "I think you should cross it off." "What?" "I..." "But I threw this away." "Yeah." "I..." "I had the bartender fish it out." "I know it's a Xavier thing." "I know." "But... but he didn't make that list." "You did." "And it made you really happy." "Maybe you don't need to throw out the baby with the bathwater." "_" "Thank you, Timothy." "♪♪" "Ooh." "You got some parsley in your hair." "(Chuckles):" "Oh." "(Chuckles)" "Hey, this was fun." " Mm-hmm." " Let me know if you ever want to cross off a couple more together." "(Chuckles)" "I tried, Mom." "I really tried." "(Exhales) I swear, he doesn't even realize how much he abandoned us." " (Sniffles)" " ROSE:" "Xavier?" "(Clears throat)" "May I?" "Please?" "Yep." "Fine." "But I'm not subjecting my mother to this." "I know you don't like me." "I know you'll always think of me as your father's mistress." "Yeah, well, it's a pretty fair thing to think, isn't it?" "Did Hamish ever tell you where he met me?" "Uh, nope." "Never came up in the nine years we weren't speaking." "We met in a support group for people with terminally ill loved ones." "It was the absolute worst year of our lives." "We'd go to those meetings and drink the cheap tea and listen to sad sacks as miserable as we were." "But it was a way to avoid going home." "I needed him at home." "I know." "And that's for you two to work out." "But I also know that we both felt like we were sinking and we needed something, someone to hold onto." "And, in our misery, we found each other." "Yeah, well, it's not how it looks from where I'm sitting." "If you think your father didn't care about your mom, then you two really do need to talk." "What Hamish and I have is special." "But Tabitha was his true love." "She'll always be the light of his life." "He say that?" "He say she was the light of his life?" "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but do you know what your father's missing to be here?" "_" "_" "Well, somebody has the bounce back in their pounce." "Did you have a little sex with the ex with an "X"?" "No." "Nothing like that." "I just... had a lot of fun recently." "With Timothy, actually." "And I never should have underestimated how much I love lists." "Goal-setting is so my jam." "WOMAN:" "Kareema?" " We need to talk." " Oh!" "Right." "If I've gotten some sort of award for Best Customer Service Ever, you can just fax a copy of the certificate to the I.N.S." "The only thing I'll be faxing to the I.N.S." "is a sad face emoji to represent how your quality of work has plummeted" " recently." " Plummeted?" "You were the crown jewel of the customer service department." "The sturdiest cog in the machine." "Are you sure you mean Kareema?" "Yeah, are you sure?" "You kept phone call lengths to a record minimum." "You were extremely strict about returns on used items." "The ideal customer service rep." "Wha...?" "But I thought I was improving the quality of my work." "I don't even know who you are anymore." "By the way, someone from Corporate is waiting for you in the conference room." "(Gasps) Great." "I'll just check in with my contact at Forks in the Road." "You know, maybe he's stuck in traffic." "Yeah." "I don't understand." "You were so excited about partnering with CyberHugs." "We were gonna be Fork Dorks together." "I just saw you on TV." "You wasted at least 30 gallons of soup." " Excuse me?" " You know how many hungry people could've eaten that soup?" "(Line beeps)" "(Exhales)" "I am so screwed." "Not nailed." "Per specifications." "Well done." " DEIRDRE (over earpiece):" "Good job." " (Grunts)" "So, you guys obviously do a lot of restocking around here." "How much aisle space do you leave in case of an emergency evacuation?" "DEIRDRE:" "It depends if it's manual or mechanical restocking." "(Voice breaks):" "Uh..." "manual or mechanical?" "Let's say mechanical." "44 inches." "44 inches." "Uh, just give me one moment." "Just... one moment." "(Panting)" "(Quietly):" "I am so sorry." "I thought that hearing your voice electronically would offset the effect it had on me, but your illness has made your voice even huskier, and it's elevating Douglas." "I got to wing it." "No, no, no, no." "Hank, no!" "(Sighs)" "And if it's, uh, manual restocking?" "How much aisle space then?" "This much?" " ARCHIE: $800 fine." " (Gasps)" "Thanks for giving me another chance to explain this to you." "Why didn't you tell me that you won the Waldo Weinberg Mathematician of the Year Award?" "The award ceremony was last night." "Why didn't you tell me?" "It wasn't important." "Wasn't important?" "You spent half my childhood chasing that award." "I remember sitting in the university by the copy machine while you made copies of invariant theory." "This means more." "You, your mother." "It all means more." "I'm sorry, Xavier." "I just didn't have the strength to watch my soul mate fade away, one little piece at a time." "Yeah, well, what about me?" "(Sighs)" "You know, Rose said that you needed someone to cling to." "So did I." "I was all alone, right in the thick of it." "I was selfish." "But I was searching for solace." "And I found it somewhere unexpected." "Yeah, well..." "I guess I can relate to that." "I was recently dating this girl who said that I was running away from what I feared." "(Chuckles softly) Guess it runs in the family, eh?" "Yeah." "Fear can make us do some things we regret." "(Sighs) Look, I..." "I don't know if I'm ready to bury the hatchet." "But maybe we could start digging the hole." "I was gonna... (sighs) spread Mom's ashes tonight." "Don't know if you wanted to join." "It would be the highest honor of my life." "Honestly." "Son, where's your mother?" "Hey." "Um, there's no way you could go meet Corporate with me right now and pretend to be a representative from, say, the American Heart Association, is there?" "No." "I got to un-return these returns and get back my bad name." "(Gasps)" " _" " EVIE:" "Okay, uh..." "I need a plan." "Even if it's a crazy one." "I could..." "Run around and... and flap your arms." "ARCHIE:" "Flapping one's arms is the last thing you should encourage a burning individual to do." "$1,000 fine." "(Sighs)" "Now, show me to the cubicles." "Sure." "They're just right o..." "Jiminy Fire Hazard!" "Give me one moment." "Evie!" "Mm?" "Why does Kareema currently have the most flammable desk situation in the entire history of Cybermart?" "Oh, 'cause she wants to make a good impression with the I.N.S., so she's..." "Okay, you know what?" "Never mind." "Just hide all that stuff before the fire inspector sees." "Yeah." "Right." "Yeah." "Uh..." "So." "Archie." "Arch." "Um... you know, I think it would be good for you to just, you know, open up, just tell a..." "long... long story." "Like about that fire where you lost your... your eyebrows." " Is that what people say?" " Yeah." " I just have alopecia." " Wait." "You have alopecia?" "My favorite cousin Chauncey has alopecia." "We used to have a magic act, and he'd make me draw on his eyebrows before every show." " (Laughs) No kidding." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Did he use felt-tip, or-or permanent marker?" "Hmm." "(Both sigh)" "I can't believe this whole time I've been a cog in the machine." "A sturdy cog." "Well, even if you are a corporate drone, you'll always be a rebel to me." "That means nothing coming from you." "You're, like, the droniest of drones." " No offense." " Yeah, well," "I'm about to do something very undroney." "Corporate's waiting for me in the conference room, and" "I have nothing to present for CyberHugs." "Would a box of used junk impress our overlords?" "Just because it's used doesn't necessarily mean it's junk." "(Gasps)" "Cybermart keeps looking for charities to align itself with, but it has its own charity right here, built into its very infrastructure." "I was recently reminded not to throw the baby out with the bathwater." "What if we asked customers to repurpose delivery boxes as donation boxes?" "They could fill them up with old clothes, toys, even canned food, and a Cybermart delivery person in the area would take it to a nearby shelter or donation center." "We could call it "Getters and Givers."" "It's not bad." "It would barely cost us anything to set in motion, and... it would be quite the PR boon." "For someone that smells like soup, you've got good ideas." "I can't believe that you packed your own mother into a bunch of fireworks." "As you get to know me better, it'll become easier to believe. (Sighs)" "Mom loved fireworks." "She really did." "It's a fitting tribute." "You know, this is a hydroelectric dam." "Yeah." "Which means that her ashes will enter into the energy system of this entire city." "A tiny little micro particle of her in every lit light bulb in Seattle." "(Both chuckle softly)" "I'll be able to see her wherever I go." "Yeah." "(Sighs)" "♪♪" "(Laughs)" "_" "_" "Please put me in touch with your cousin." "It sounds like we'd have so much to talk about." "Absolutely." "You two should start a podcast." "No Hair, Don't Care with Archie and Chauncey." "(Both laugh)" "You know, I'm really not supposed to do this, but I don't want $7,500 in fines to complicate this friendship we've developed." " I totally agree, man." " But please brush up on the fire code, okay?" "Will do." "Hey, nicely done." "What?" "Yeah!" "Well, we should, um... we should celebrate our personal victories." "Want to do drinks at Horsemen's?" "It's so late." "I should go check on Deirdre." "Yeah." "And I'm meeting Sofia, so..." "Oh." "You were incredible." "(Laughs)" "Who would have thought that appealing to a fellow professional on a personal level would create such a helpful sense of rapport?" "I'm sorry I had to ditch you, but your sore throat took your vocal prowess to an unexpected 11." "No, I take full responsibility for that." "I..." "With our history, I never should have put you in the position where I was deep inside your ear." "Well, I should probably head out." "I dated David Copperfield." "What?" "!" "I heard you talk about sawing your cousin in half." "I actually urged Dave to saw a man in half as I felt constantly sawing women was such a dangerous anti-feminist metaphor, and, you know, well, we broke up shortly after that." "Were you there when he made the Statue of Liberty disappear?" "He originally wanted to do the Staten Island Ferry." "I said, "Dave, think bigger."" "(Laughing):" "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe we've never talked magic before." "It's one of my favored conversation topics." "I got so excited when I heard you mention your act." " I want to hear everything about it." " Okay." "Well, we started off with a reverse trick." " Oh." " So we pulled a hat out of a... a..." "We shouldn't be doing this." "Well, we're just talking." "No." "You're engaged." "We can't be tempting ourselves like this." "You know, it's not fair to Pete, or to us." "I'm glad you're feeling better." "(Door closes)" "(Evie sighs)" "Hey, you made it." "I can't believe you want to waste my Grocers' Blowout prize money at Four Horsemen's." "Okay, first off, it's not prize money." "It's a gift certificate." "Secondly, Four Horsemen is an incredible establishment." "Otherwise, we wouldn't keep coming back." "And thirdly, since you're paying with said gift certificate, it's time to try..." "the unlabeled bottle." "(Sighs)" "Hey." "(Groans)" "Aah!" "It tastes like pine needles and lighter fluid." " (Exhaling) - _" "It's... that's accurate." " Oh." " Aah." "HAMISH:" "So it's back to the hotel and then straight to the airport." "Well, uh, I'm really glad you came." "Me, too." "And you be sure to thank that incredibly smart woman for getting you to call me." "Yeah, I will." "Look, I know that communication's not exactly our strong suit, but maybe we could speak once a week." "Monday nights." "Yeah." "Yeah, I think I could manage that." "Well, I'll talk to you soon, son." "(Sighs)" "Just in case I never see you again." "What?" "You never know." "Bye." "(Sighs)" "(Car door closes)" "(Car engine starts)" "(Chuckles)" "Ah." "You know, I thought for sure you were going to pass." "Why would I pass?" "I knew the answer." "All beans are legumes," " but not all legumes are beans." " (Laughing)" "Yeah, well, you know, the old Timothy would have passed, just to spare me the humiliation of getting souped." "Well, I'm not old Timothy anymore." "Yeah, I've noticed." "You know, you and I have so much history together, and yet you still have the capacity to surprise me." "Well, you surprise me." "And honestly" "I've been pretty inspired by it." "Am I your rebound?" "Because I'm not necessarily opposed." "You're not, you're not my rebound." "We're just living in the moment." "Hey, this is Evie." "I'm not here." "After the beep, do your thing." "(Beep)" "Hey, Evie, it's, um... it's me." "Um... my dad just left." "It was... occasionally terrible," "(chuckling): but also kind of amazing." "You were right." "I..." "I didn't want my past to matter, but... but it's part of me." "And it's everywhere." "Um, you know, when I called my dad, I..." "I wanted to do it for you, but he got here, and then I realized I needed to do it for me." "And I..." "I feel like I'm just closer to being my whole self." "Uh, look, this is too much to say over the phone, so let's just meet up." "There's literally no one else on Earth" "I'd rather talk to right now." "(Sighs)" "(Phone chimes)" "(Sighing and soft moaning)"