"I hate my life." "Everyday... it hurts." "I'm not getting anything from my family, so I try to get it from my patients." " Who else do I have?" " Have you seen your father?" "My father can't help me now." "We both know what it's like not to be there at the end." "It's something you don't get over." "Ever." "Dad..." " Your father died?" " It's OK, he's been sick for a while." "What are you talking, a while?" "You should not be working this week." "You're not even in the room!" " Why did you look at your watch?" " It's my father's watch." "This is Rosie's bag and I got her this small thing." "That's sweet." "Thanks, Paul." "Well, I have to get back." "I don't feel comfortable leaving those kids alone." "They never stop fighting." "Wonder where they learned that from." " Alright then." " No, let me get it." " Where's the car?" " It's just over here." "Listen, Paul," "I'm really so sorry about your father." "I know I've already said that, but..." "I really appreciate that you came to the funeral." "I really do." "And that you let the kids come for that weekend." "It was great." "They didn't drive you crazy?" "No, it felt good to be with them,{\ you know}?" "Like things are supposed to be." "They wanted to be there." "They're good kids, you know?" "And you were good to me too, Kate." "We felt like a family." "I felt it too." "It's just unfortunate that it took such a sad situation..." "That's what I wanted to say, Kate." "I want us to try it again." "You know, being a family." "I miss you, Kate." "I want to come home." "I love you, Kate." "I think we should give ourselves another chance." "I know the kids want us to do it." "So do I." "I'm seeing somebody." "I might be in love with him." "I don't know." "I can't do this again." "I just can't." "And I'm so sorry." "{\fad(0,2000)}Subtitles:" "sub-way.fr (1.00)" "How are you?" "I'm okay, thanks." "Would you like some tea or some water?" "Water'll be fine." "Thanks." "Thanks for the orchid that you sent." "It was beautiful." "I'm glad you liked it." "I've been thinking about you." "It's a pity you weren't there." "I didn't think it was my place to be there." "Yeah, well, it was a nice service..." "Except for the priest's cell phone going off." "My kids spoke." "They each had... a memory to tell." "And some people from the nursing home came." "They talked about his card playing and his singing." " Did {\you ever hear him}he sing when you were a boy?" " Not that I remember." "But one of the surgical nurses said that, you know, he used to sing in the operating room." ""A fine Irish tenor," she said he was." "Of course, there was a lot of women at the funeral." "Women really liked my dad, as you know." "Then too, women live longer than men so when you get to a certain age, there are always going to be more women at funerals." "You know what I've decided?" "Women are really good at loss." "Men don't really..." "They haven't got a fucking clue." "Did you get to speak to your father before he died?" "You know, for men... loss is..." "It's a defeat." "In a game or a fight, losing makes you mad." "You want to get even with the guy." "Like this man who's suing me, Alex's father." "This guy is so angry that all he can think of is coming after me." "Like that's gonna help." "Are you trying to understand how to grieve for your father?" "Among other things." "What other things?" "One of the things I'm trying to understand is how I can help my patients with death and dying when I myself have been so stupid and so wrong about it." "You know, Paul, it hasn't even been two weeks." "You won't always feel this raw." "We'll see." "Can you tell me more about the funeral?" "I don't wanna talk about your patients now when you've just been through this." "Do you not think it's important for me to talk about my patients?" "How am I going to help my patients if my own life is in a mess?" "Would you use a plumber if you found out" "{\that }all the drains in his house were blocked?" "It's not the same thing." "You're a trained psychotherapist." "But not a trained husband, father or son." "No, you're not." "As a man, you're like an animal in the wild." "You're living day to day, you're trying to protect your territory and provide for your family." "As a therapist, you're observing certain members of the herd through binoculars." "These are two very different ways of experiencing life." "But you can't observe yourself through your own binoculars." "But that's why I'm here." "Right." "Can you tell me more about the funeral?" "Not this week, please." "I feel like..." " I feel pretty wiped out." " We don't have to talk about it." "But I'm interested." "You said you were glad that your children were there." "Yeah, I was glad that the boys were there." "Maybe they won't be as stupid as I was about it all." "Stupid?" "I learned more about my father at his funeral than I ever did when he was alive." " Doesn't that sound stupid to you?" " What did you learn about him?" "Well, for one thing," "I found out that he did a lot of free surgery in Bolivia." " You didn't know that about him?" " No, of course didn't." "And he made me executor of his estate." "Does that surprise you?" "And he gave me his half of a little brewery in Minnesota." "He owned a brewery in Minnesota?" "With one of his doctor friends." "I guess he loaned some guy some start-up money 40 years ago." "So if the lawsuit ends up costing me my license," "I guess I can always go make beer." "You see what I'm talking about?" "Who was this man?" "All I knew was this old story that I've told you." "That he left us for a patient, my mother killed herself and I grew up alone." " All these things are still true?" " How the fuck would I know?" "If my father was this great guy, why didn't I know it?" "Are you beginning to think he was a great guy?" "Even if he wasn't great, at least he was interesting." "But what was I?" "Was I blind?" "People often can be very successful in the outside world and remain a complete mystery to their families." "Mystery is putting it mildly, Gina." "I don't think he was a complete mystery to you, Paul." "I think as a boy, even though you didn't have all the facts, you knew he was an interesting man." "That's why you were mad that he was never home." "Maybe you wanted to live with him instead of your mother." " Well, who wouldn't?" " It wasn't your choice." "Paul, he was the only one with a choice in your family." "He chose his work, his investments, his women." "That hurt you." "I wasn't hurt." "I just hated the son of a bitch." "I think the hatred grew so you could protect yourself from his rejection." "I don't think you always hated him." "You think I loved him?" "I'm saying it wasn't stupid of you not to know about these things." "I mean, maybe he didn't want to call attention to his charity work." "Or maybe he thought his singing was silly or the brewery was frivolous." "Or maybe he wasn't home enough to have any conversation about anything or maybe by the time he got ready to talk, I didn't give a shit." "All these things are possible." "Death leaves a lot of unanswered questions." "You know, not everybody has what it takes to be a good parent." "And sometimes, as in your father's case, the choices can be very difficult." "Do you give yourself over to your sick wife and {\your }angry children and fight a losing battle?" "Or do you give yourself to your talent and hope that someday they'll understand?" "So you're saying his home life was a losing battle for him?" "I'm saying that he looked at his options and he fought the battle he thought he could win." "A less charitable view would be that he won the battle he chose to fight." "That's true." "So it wasn't stupid of me to not know who my father was when I was a boy." "It was stupid that I got to be this old and still didn't know who he was." "Even sitting there at the bedside in the nursing home..." "He had maybe five minutes to live." "And for the first time it was just me and him together." "Sickness until death, and all that." "The only person" "I learned anything about was me." "I'm glad you saw him before he died." "It was the strangest thing, you know?" "Everybody left and..." "I went downstairs and said goodbye to them..." "Got a coffee and I came back and he was..." "He was asleep." "Well, he had a pulse anyway." "And I sat down and I started talking to him and..." "And he didn't have a pulse anymore." " You were talking to him when he died?" " I was talking at him, Gina." "I said..." "I'm sorry and..." "I said I was sorry that I hadn't seen more of him." "I asked him if I could get him anything and..." "Then I just started complaining about my life..." "Like I always do." "I looked up and he was..." "He was gone." "Did it feel to you like he'd been waiting for you to come back to see him before he died?" "No." "That's what the nurses say, but..." "They say {\that }it happens a lot, but I don't believe it." " I think it's crazy." " No, not really." "On some unconscious level he might have known it was you." "Or sensed it." "No, he didn't." "Didn't you ever become suddenly aware of your children without them having said anything?" "With Max, I remember when he used to wake up in the middle of the night, he would come into my room and I would just wake up." "And there he would be standing at the end of the bed, just... staring silently at me." "So even though Max hadn't said a thing, you woke up." "Yeah, great." "So my father becomes aware of me on some level and he really doesn't want to listen to me complain so he just dies." "Or he becomes aware of you on some level, and he's finally able to let go." "I'd like to believe your version." "Do you believe it?" "Or are you just saying it to make me feel better?" "Do I believe that there's some non-scientific connection between a parent and child?" "Absolutely." "Does that mean that a parent knows what a child needs?" "No, it just means there's a connection." "No, we're more than connected." "There's obligations between parents and children." "There are things that they owe us and there are things that we owe them." "Yes, but, you know, I think obligation is maybe a subject for another day." "No, I want to talk about obligation today." "My father owed me things..." "And he didn't come through for me." "And I owed him things and I didn't come through for him." "If I'm not gonna do any better by my kids and they're not gonna come and see me till I'm about to die, then we are all hopelessly screwed." "Is that your father's watch?" " You don't want to talk about this?" " No." "I don't want to talk about anything in general." "I don't want to talk about obligations or family duty." "I want to talk about you and your father." "This is his watch." "I'm gonna wear it for a bit." "I don't usually wear watches." "But I'll wear this for a while." "Because it's a pathetic excuse for..." "For grieving." "There it is." "What did you mean when you said the only person you learned anything about that day was you?" "I felt like I was in a movie I was watching." "Self-centered guy goes to the hospital to see his dying father, sits down, can't think of anything to say to his dad." "Then he starts whining about his own little problems." "A divorce, the fear of losing touch with his children, a move to a new city, the threat to the man's work from a lawsuit." "They don't sound so little when you actually say them." "These are big problems to somebody in the middle of their life." "But to someone confronting death, like the father, it might seem that the son could work these problems out." "The dying father doesn't have the time, but the son does." "No marriage, no children, no practice, just time." "Without the time, you don't have any of the other things." "I guess." "No, it's not a guess." "It's true." "Time's the precious thing." "You already know that." "That's why you're wearing his watch." "Maybe you were telling him your problems because you were hoping he'd say something meaningful to you." " Or finally be a father to you." " I don't know." "But after he was gone I wished the whining guy in the movie could have been some kind of comfort to his father." "I wished I had... done or said something more than just take the man's watch." "Is there anything you wished you had asked him before he was gone?" "I wanted to ask him if..." " If he was proud of me." " But you know he was." " Do I?" " You're a good doctor to your patients." "You're a good father to your children." "And you love singing." " I'm a terrible singer, Gina." " I didn't say you were a good singer." "I said you liked singing." "I should have gone earlier." "I know that." "Guess I was afraid." "Once I was there I thought, "What the hell was I afraid of?" ""My father is dying." "What can he possibly do to me?"" "Do you know what you were afraid of?" "I was afraid that after a lifetime of hating him..." "He was gonna love me anyway." "And I think" "I waited till he couldn't talk anymore because..." "I just didn't want to hear him say it." " Why would that have been so bad?" " Because if he could love me and not give me one minute of his time..." "Then love doesn't mean a thing and I don't want it." "You can't intellectualize it." "It's something we feel, sometimes with good reason, sometimes not." "You know, I was a pallbearer and... so was Ian." "And as we came out of the church and carried the coffin to the churchyard," "I looked over at him and I thought," ""One day he's gonna carry me..." ""If I'm lucky enough not to mess it up."" "You won't mess it up." "How can you be so sure?" "Because you already know that love is the only thing that has a chance against death." "It causes us a lot of pain, but without it, we feel isolated, untethered, lost in space." "So..." "My father... loved me." "And he did what he could." "No." "Your father loved you and he did what he did." "And you loved him and you hated him because he ignored you." "It's not pretty." "Is it?" "I wish you could have had the father you deserved." "But maybe you can be a father to yourself now and do for yourself what you do for your boys." "Did you have the father that you needed?" "I'm a therapist!" "What do you think?" "I gotta go." "I've got to meet" "Alex's father." "Maybe there's some way I can help." "Thank you, Gina." "Sorry." "Sorry I'm late." "I'm sorry I have to see you at all, so we're even." "Well, I wouldn't think that makes us even." "Neither do I." "Are you having coffee?" "With you?" "No coffee." " Can you give us a minute?" " I'm only meeting you here because I didn't wanna stand when I talked to you." " You could have called." " And I didn't come{\ here} for you to be cute." "So just shut up and listen, then I'll go and this'll be over." "I looked at the evidence." "I read the documents." "My lawyer tells me it could take two years watching you fight this and try to get away with it." "Why should I do that, waste two years fighting with you?" "I'm gonna drop the case." "You're gonna drop the case?" "I'll take the settlement money that your insurance company is offering." "I'll drop the case." "Providing..." "Providing what?" "You write a letter of apology accepting full responsibility for the death of my son." " What would you do with{\ a letter like that} this letter?" " That's none of your business." "If {\it means that }you can use it to keep me from practicing, {\I think }it is my business{\, yeah}." "{\You know, }I'm not responsible for what other lives you destroy." "But I need something, proof, a piece of paper that tells me you know what you did." "So you want me to write a letter." "From you, accepting full responsibility." "You took away my son's ability to distance himself from his job, and thus destroyed his ability to do it." "You killed him." "That's all I want." "It's just for me." "I'm not gonna show it to anybody else." "That's all I want." "You won't institute a malpractice proceeding?" "I can't get a picture out of my head of my son in your office." "I need something..." "That lets me know that you know you got blood on your hands." "Then you'll never hear from me again." "You talk to your lawyers and you let them know what you decide."