"Dad?" "Who would burn down a sperm bank?" "Hey, honey, how are you?" "Look what I found at the farm." "Look at that." "It's a free-range chicken." "What?" "You know I can't eat a free-range chicken." "I am allergic to chicken, and besides, I'm a vegetarian." "Honey, I think you should just put it down." " Ray, Ray." " It's not true, Leah." "Ray!" "Oh." "Yeah, hi." "Go and sit with your perverted Uncle Jonathan for a while." "God, he smells good, Ray." "I love to inhale him." "It's better than bacon or sunblock." "It's like baby cocaine." "That is good stuff." "It's Darwinian, actually." "They smell so good so we'll like them." "Stop talking, gay dads." " Sorry." " Oh, God, I would use a 10-minute nap." "I love being a father once a week, but it is so draining." "You know, the vigilance, having to think of somebody else." "I'd hate to be a fireman when that sperm bank went up." "Think about all those little semen screams." ""Save me!"" "Thank God you got out of there before the tragedy." "Yeah, but the problem is, the records were destroyed with the sperm." "I don't know how I'm gonna find my dad now." "Well, look, maybe you don't." "You've got your dad in New Jersey, you've got George in Manhattan you've got me in Brooklyn." "How many father figures in a 90-mile radius do you need?" "Well, I have to find him, Ray." "I feel like half a person." "I have this image of a test tube." "I need to replace it with the image of a man." "Yeah, I know." "I'd hate for Spencer to think of me as a urine cup filled with jizz." "Wow, can you really fill a whole urine cup?" "Yeah." "I eat sunflower seeds." "Walk me to the subway." "I've gotta go see George." "He wants to prepare me for Dick Cavett." "Well, I'd say, be yourself on Dick Cavett, that's what I would do." "I mean, I'd be me' not you." "That's what everyone says, but I don't like myself most of the time and I really need to do well to help sell the book." "My publisher isn't very happy with me." "Well, I still say, just be yourself, okay?" "And cross your legs like a man and don't wave your arms around like a little girl." "And don't snack on your thumb." "And the Ferris wheel, no, carousel was going round and round, like a mad dream and we were ducking bullets." "I mean, it was frightening, but exhilarating." "Well, it's great hearing all these stories about you and Jonathan, but there's something Bernard and I want to show you." "Mmm." "Isn't it beautiful, Dad?" "It came from the Earth's mantle." "And Emily gave me a hemp dog collar as my ceremonial engagement ring." "But I didn't give my permission yet." "We couldn't wait, George." "Yeah, Lisa, our medium, said we had to act right away." "You went to your medium before me?" "She's telepathic, but she doesn't mind picking up the phone." "I'm sorry." "I was going to give my permission today." "Just so you know." "Congratulations." "My new dad!" "God, come here." "We should go camping!" " We could share a tent!" " Yeah." "Spencer, let's go take a little break, play right over here, then we'll go home and do some finger-painting." "Right' buddy?" "You and your hat." "Hi, ladies." "Mind if we join you?" "I'm Ray Hueston, and this is my good-looking son, Spencer." " Hi." " Hi." "Oh, I'm Susan." " Hi." " Hi, I'm Stephanie." "Hi." "Sure is a lot of suckling going on." "Usually when I walk by, there's one or two women going at it, but eight seems like a lot all at once." "Well, we're a support group for breastfeeding." " Can I join'?" " It's kind of a mothers' thing." " Oh." "Bunch of snobs, are you?" "Yeah, I think in the future, you'll be asking us men to join." "Maybe we'll start our own breastfeeding group." "Really?" "Definitely." "You know, the male nipple is dormant, but I think in about 750 years we'll be able to nurse." " I speak from experience." " Oh, wow." "Yeah." "You hungry?" "I think all of this is making him hungry." "I'll just give him this, unless one of you will let Spencer have a tug." "I'm tapped, so..." "How about you?" "Anything left?" "No, I'm sorry." "Both sides?" "I read a thing that a woman columnist wrote about you one time, and she said, "Mitchum was born the kind of man" ""that does not have to seek women because they come to him."" "Were that true." "'Cause that's not true?" "Well, they come lo me with their troubles, you know?" "See, now that's the way to handle yourself on Cavett." "Be cool, manly, world-weary." "You know, show a capacity for sin." "Play the rascal." "Mmm." "And should I cross my legs like this or like this?" "Crotch open or crotch closed?" "Ray says crotch open." "Yeah, I differ from Ray on this point." "I think that the closed crotch is more sophisticated." "It keeps them guessing." "Okay, that does seem more natural." "I really want you to hit it out of the park tonight." "With all the bookstores closing, this could be your last shot at literary success." " Oh, God." " So can we switch to me now?" "Sure, but can we study Mitchum a little bit more?" "In a second." "I have a pressing headline." "Emily and that crazy Bernard went ahead and got engaged without my blessing." " Would you have given it?" " No!" "No." "I mean, she's gonna be hurt." "He's too old and eccentric." "They do dog role-play." "Hmm." "Luckily, he's the dog, but still..." "Well, have you tried talking lo her'?" "Somehow gently expressing your reservations?" "No, no, I always screw up with her." "I mean, I try to improve, but it's..." "It seems easier just to make the same mistake over and over again like an idiot." "I understand." "You know, I'm a better father to you than I am to her?" "I mean, what's that about?" "I don't know." "I think what makes you a good father to me is that you take an interest in me, that we talk." "Yeah, but it's easier with you." "You know, I don't care if you fail at life." "It's not a reﬂection on me." "I take back what I just said about you being a good father." "But I still think you should talk to her." "Okay, little guy, you're all set there." "Excuse me." "Oh, right, gosh." "Of course." "Thank you very much." "Same time next week?" "Do you guys do like an email blast as far as when you meet here?" " We don't." " No?" "All right." " All right." "Have a good one." " You, too." "Bye." "All right, Spencer." "Let's go, buddy." "Are you ready?" "Okay." " Bye, ladies." " Bye-bye." "I'm really nervous." "My tongue feels swollen." "Is that a stroke symptom?" "Stop it!" "Only positive thinking." "You need to do well tonight." "I want a clip of this to end up on YouTube." "But could you just look at my tongue, because it's not fitting in my mouth." "No." "In 25 years, I have never looked at an author's tongue." "30"'!" "Well, that's not true." "Why do all my lovers die?" "It's like I'm a black widow." "All your lovers die?" "No, not all." "But a lot." "Hi, Jonathan' I can take you back to the green room now." "Okay, sweetie, good luck." "I'll be rooting for you." "Remember' positive thinking." "Don't fail." "So just be relaxed." "Dick likes ii to be a conversation." "Right, right." "And tonight's theme is young writers, so you'll just talk about your book." "One thing, maintain eye contact with Dick at all times." " Don't look at the camera." " Right, no camera." "Make eye contact with his dick." "Sorry, just..." "And here is the green room." "Yes, this is the green room." " Oh, God." " Jonathan, this is Louis Green." "He'll be following you on the show And, Louis, this is Jonathan Ames." "Hello, Jonathan." "Your most recent publication was unwarranted and ill-deserved, did you know that?" "Okay." "I'll be back in a few minutes to take you to makeup." "Oh, sure, take your time." "So I read your book, if you can call it that." "I can't believe you plagiarized my award-winning story for The New Yorker Magazine." "What are you talking about?" "We both wrote about the coke dealers." "Two different takes, like Rashômon." "That's not the Rashômon I remember." "Well, I suppose you could argue that your work is derivative of mine, but that would be like saying a monkey with a paintbrush is a distant relation of Van Gogh." "Can you just attack me in your mind and not out loud?" "I'd like to concentrate." "I need to prepare." "Oh, you need to prepare?" "I don't." "No, you see, I was reared on The Dick Cavett Show." "My father and I would watch every night." "He made me transcribe each episode, so we could reenact it the next day." "I used to love to be Gore Vidal." "Oh, but then you probably don't know who that is." "What exactly are you doing here' Louis?" "You don't have a book out." "No, I don't' but my agent says my appearance on the show is going to create a bidding war for my novel, The Black Clock of Time." "What?" "The Black Cock of Time?" "Oh, you fiendish baboon." "The Black Clock of Time." "It's a nuclear holocaust novel, set in the past." " Sorry, tricky title." " It's not a tricky..." "Jonathan, I'll take you to makeup first." "Thank you." "Okay, keep sleeping." "Daddy needs a drink." "That guy with the beard was really odd, right?" "He was strange, but it must have been a mistake." "He'll come back." "You know, he left his own son here." "How do we know that's his son?" "I mean, people passing by him now probably think my daughter is his daughter." "Yeah, he was a little off." " He wanted us to breastfeed the little boy." " Okay," "I just googled Ray Hueston and it led me to this." "Oh." "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "He's a monster." "Sorry it took me so long to get over here." "I was on the phone with Mom, and I walked east instead of west and then north instead of south." "She says, "Hello."" "How is your mom?" " She's good, crazy, manic." "Did you know that she turned her house in Costa Rica into an eco-friendly bed and breakfast?" "No, I hadn't heard about that." "You know, actually, my restaurant has a very minimal eco-footprint." "I only get produce from farms within 100 miles of New York City." "Why do you always have to compete with Mom?" "Why do you have to trump everything she does?" "I'm not..." "I'm sorry everything I say seems to annoy you." "So am I." "Okay, so what did you want to talk to me about?" "Well, I'm sure it's going to piss you off again, but I'm just concerned that I was such a..." "Such a failure as a father, that Bernard is some kind of weird Freudian substitute." "Oh, wow, you're really good." "That does piss me off." "Wait, you know I reject Freud." "Sweetheart, Freud's very important." "I can't believe you're making my engagement about you." " He's your substitute?" " Yes!" "He's practically the same age as me." "He's gonna be dead in 20 years." "Thirty." "Thirty years, maybe." "Bull don't care that he's old." "I'm like Woody Allen." "My heart wants him." "No, no, don't use Woody Allen." "That's worse than the Twinkie Defense." "No, it's not." "Dad, this is the first time in my life, and probably my past lives, that I haven't felt lonely." "Oh, sweetheart." "Dad, I love him." "I wish you could respect that, or at least pretend to." "No, no, I do respect that." "I always manage to say the wrong thing." "It's like I have a limp, emotionally." " Come here, I'm sorry." " Okay." " I love you." " I love you." "I love you more than that." "See!" "Look!" "Competitive!" "Well..." "Be sure and pick up Danny Woodside's new book." "It's called Splitsies:" "A Child's Perspective on Divorce." " Thank you, Dick." " Good to see you." "Now, our next young writer has just come out with a new book of mystery stories, and it is called The Blonde in the Woods." "So please welcome Jonathan..." "Uh, Ames." "Jonathan Ames." "Jonathan." " Are you okay?" " Yeah." "'Cause we don't require dramatic entrances." " Good one, Dick." " Sorry, the glasses, I couldn't see." "By the way, it's not terribly wise to wear sunglasses on television." " You think maybe you could do without them?" " Oh." " Yes, sorry." " Yeah." "All right." "Now, as for your latest escapade..." "Jonathan, we don't have smoking on television." " Right." " You see, we're in New York City and you can't even smoke in your own apartment now." "Sorry, I was trying to channel Robert Mitchum." "Oh, this is too delicious." "He's like a mental pygmy." "I love it, I love it, I love it." "Well, Jonathan, you not only write mysteries, you solve them." "Are you working on a case right now'?" "My wife hasn't hired you, has she?" "I'm actually my own client at the moment." "I'm searching for my biological father." "Wow, that's quite a case." "Damn, we have to stop right now for some commercials." "We'd love it if you could stay and maybe talk some more about all this after the break." " Sure, really?" " Okay." "We'll be back then, after this break, with Jonathan Ames." "Don't go away." "Okay." " Is everything going okay, Dick?" " Yeah, good." "Look, listen, let's cancel the next guest." "This father stuff is good." "We're in Oprah territory." "All right, you got it." "What do I think about the state of American culture?" "Well, Dick, I think we could make penicillin out of American culture." "I mean, look at Jonathan Ames." "Thank you." "I'm glad the audience found that amusing." " Perfect." " Um, Mr. Green?" " Oh, hi, Liz." "Oh, is this it?" "Am I going on?" "How do I look?" "You know what?" "Actually, we're gonna have to bump you from the show." "These things happen." "Mr. Cavett wants to extend the segment with Mr. Ames." "With Jonathan?" "You don't understand, I have been preparing my whole life to intellectually engage with Dick Cavett, not Jonathan Ames." "There's nothing I can do." "No, please listen." "My father is watching, okay?" "This is everything to us." "I mean, they even took Daddy off his Thorazine just for tonight so he could watch, so..." "I'm so sorry, Mr. Green." "Just put me on for a couple of seconds." "Just a few seconds." "Okay, I'll level with you." "I have crippling debt and my agent says that my novel," "The Black Clock of Time, will not sell unless I am on the show." "The Big Black Cock of Time?" "No, you subnormal illiterate." "The Black Clock of Time." "It isn't hard." "I didn't say "big." Why would you say that'?" " What's wrong with you?" " You're bumped, Mr. Green!" "No, please, Liz." "He's some kind of sick cartoonist." "All he draws are penises and he has my little girl." "Can you describe the penises?" "Big." "I am curious about one thing, do you have a nemesis, the way Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty?" "Well, I don't want to speak poorly of him on air, but my nemesis was going to be your next guest, Louis Green." " What?" " Really?" "But I do feel bad for him." "I was told once that his father, a child psychologist," " experimented on him." " Experimented on him?" "What kind of experiments?" "Made him sleep in a box, sensory deprivation, transcription of television shows, that sort of thing." "That's terrible." "The father sounds like the poor man's B. F. Skinner." "What a kook." "This must stop." "Hi. 52nd, between 9th and 10th, please." "The Cavett Show." "Hi, I'm Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe, letting you know about a program that offers..." "How do you turn..." "This is an urgent alert from the New York Police Department." "Ray?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, Ray." "Excuse me, can I borrow your phone?" "I lost mine in a mailbox." "I have to call my friend." "He's in trouble." " Okay." " Thank you." "But please don't call Pakistan." "The CIA doesn't like it when I do that." "9-1-7... 9-1-7..." "Who am I kidding?" "My mind is shot." "I haven't memorized a phone number in years." "Could you hurry up, please?" "Okay." "Well, I don't have a lot of clues, but even if I find my biological dad," "I do want to make it clear that my dad who raised me" " was a wonderful father." " Excuse me." "Where's the lever that controls the curtain, please?" "Especially since he's watching." "I'm glad to hear he's watching." " We could use the ratings." " My mom's also watching." " Okay then." "All the better." "You know, we're almost funny." "We should have a comedy show." "You're funny." "I'm just..." "You know, with all that we've talked about, I just can't help thinking that not knowing who your biological father is must be a pretty dark place." "It is dark, but my spirits are good." "Hmm." "I'm kind of an upbeat Hamlet." " Upbeat Hamlet?" " What does he know about Hamlet, that idiot'?" ""To be or not to be."" "Mr. Cavett, I know I'm supposed to look you in the eye at all times, but could I speak directly to the audience at home?" "Well, this is unusual, but so are you." "And so am I. Yeah, sure, go ahead." "Thank you." "Hello." "If anyone knows anything about the Hudson Sperm Bank that went up in flames in Fair Lawn," "New Jersey, in 1981, please help me..." "Always with the sentimental claptrap!" "Look out, Dick!" "Oh dear lord, that's not the curtain." "Oh, fuckity." "Who is that?" "That's my Moriarty." "Mr. Cavett, I was just trying to bring down the curtain." "Jonathan, Jonathan." "We have to call Ray." "There's been an emergency." "Hey, Dick." "George Christopher." "We had lunch together in 1979 with Norman Mailer." " Whatever." " It was a while ago." "God!" "Who are you and where is Spencer'?" "Be careful." "This is a..." " He's still not picking up." " Maybe he's in hiding." "I never would have thought he'd kidnap a child." " Oh, hey, Mr. Cavett." "Thank you so much for having me on your show." " I'm sorry about..." " Oh, nothing to be sorry about." "This was fantastic TV." "And, my lad, you are going to sell a shitload of books." " Thank you." "Oh, good luck on your dad." "Get me down, you oxen." "What do I pay my taxes for'?" " Here, let me go around." "I'll go around." " Whoa, easy, easy." "I had the Chicken Kiev at The Russian Tea Room, so..." "Ray Hueston?" "You're free to go." "You're hurting me." "Easy." "Ray?" "Ray, thank God you're here." "Louis?" " Help me." " Get in there." " The sandwiches aren't half bad!" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Is Spencer all right?" "Yes, he's with Renee in Ditmas Park." "Everyone realizes it was a big mistake, but, Ray..." "What?" "Renee's worried about you being alone with Spencer." "She wants to reconsider the arrangement." " Oh, God." " I'm sorry' Ray." "I'm sure she'll come around." "Yeah, I once left Emily locked in a car when she was 5 years old and her mom got over it." "We didn't speak for a year, but..." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Of course, I'll write a letter to your parole officer." " Thank you, papi." " It's the least I can do." "Oh, thank you, Jose." " They took my cravat, you know'?" " The navy blue one." " Oh." "This is a monstrous place."