"Good evening, fear fans." "You're just in time." "One ventriloquist's dummy." "Hacme novelty company, battle shriek, Michigan." "Oh, goody!" "Watch this, kiddies." "You won't see my lips move." "You know why?" "I don't have any!" "Well, hello, dicky." "Would you like me to tell a tale from the crypt?" "No, thanks, death breath." "Then how about sitting a little closer to the fire?" "That's better." "Now I can dole out a diseased little ditty about the schizofrantic nature of show biz and how to hack your way to the top." "So grab hold of your guts, kiddies, 'cause tonight you get to rub elbows with the ventriloquist's dummy." "With the ventriloquist's dummy." "So you're going to Africa on safari, huh?" "Are you crazy?" "That's very dangerous." "You could run across a very angry lion." "I'll have my gun with me." "Does it shoot lions?" "No, stupid." "It shoots bullets." "Lions are too big to load." "How about a nice pop in the mouth?" "What, are you kidding me?" "Listen, maybe you ought to skip going to Africa." "Stay home and go hunting here..." "Ducks, geese." "But I can't tell the difference between ducks and geese." "It's very easy." "Ducks go "quack quack." Understand?" "And geese go "honk honk."" "If a pack of birds fly over and they go "honk honk," what do you do?" "Pull over and let them pass." "What the hell are you applauding about?" "What are you?" "Seals?" "That's one of my big ones." "And the fat guy better laugh." "I see you, the fat guy, and I'm gonna put stripes on your face and roll you down the beach for a half hour." "Very seriously, I'm looking around, and I see the food sitting on the tables." "There's flies starting to die right in... right on the plates." "How's the food in this place, huh?" "Don't ask." "Terrible!" "Lousy!" "I brought my girl here for dinner last night, and she found a bug in her soup." "Oh, that's terrible." "What happened?" "She yelled, "waiter, remove this insect at once."" "And?" "The guy threw me out." "That was a good one, huh, lady?" "The old broad came alive." "We've been up here a half-hour, and the old broad finally went," ""that was a good one, Lou!"" "Stop coughing when I'm delivering funny lines." "Put yourself in a hospital and just lay there with the covers open and let the nurse stare at you." "Look, if you're hungry, just thought of something." "I hear the tongue sandwich is pretty good." "Well, I'll be very honest with you." "I never eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth." "Well, then, how about some eggs?" "Ooh!" "Oh, a wise guy, huh, morty?" "You're steaming me." "Really gettin' to me." "Ha ha ha!" "Hold on to this autograph, kid." "It will be worth a bundle some day." "What do you want to be when you grow up, Billy?" "A ventriloquist, just like you." "Nonsense." "He wants to be a doctor." "Don't you, Billy?" "Hey, bill." "Anytime you need any advice or a few tips, feel free to look me up, ok, kid?" "Golly, Mr. ingels, thanks." "Look, mom." "It's lovely." "Let's go." "It's lovely." "Let's go." "We still got our date, don't we?" "I know this great little after-hours joint." "I'm not feeling very well." "What do you mean, you're not feeling very well?" "Don't listen to him, baby." "He's never felt better." "Let's go." "And where are you going to take me to?" "How about our bungalow, toots?" "We'll show you our etchings." "You are so cute." "And you..." "You're not so bad yourself." "You're not so bad yourself." "Fire!" "Help!" "Lights out now, Billy!" "Ok, mom." "Lights out." "I said now!" "I said now!" "Is there anybody in there?" "I don't know yet." "I looked around the back." "I couldn't see nothing." "Hurry up!" "It's going up like a furnace." "Anybody in there?" "Mom, come here quick!" "Mom, come here quick!" "We're here." "Oops." "Come on, Tim." "Oh, wow." "Where are we?" "Is this..." "Where are we?" "Is this... 136." "Must be it." "Hi, Mr. ingels." "Hello, sir." "You probably... no." "Hi, sir." "You probably don't remember me." "My name is Billy Goldman." "I met you a long time ago." "I met you a long time ago." "It's private property, jerk-off." "Go away!" "Mr. ingels, sir, you probably don't remember me, but my name is Billy Goldman..." "Piss off!" "You want it in writing, huh?" "Piss off!" "I have been driving for 3 days." "I am not leaving until you talk to me." "Hi, my name is Tim." "Hi there." "Can morty come out and play?" "Oh, shit!" "Come on in, you..." "Well, close the door, schmuck." "It's not a barn." "Well, close the door, schmuck." "It's not a barn." "Hey, hey." "It ain't going to be that long." "Huh?" "What's on your mind?" "Make your point." "I'm Billy Goldman." "You said I could look you up." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, umm..." "It was 15 years ago." "I was 11 years old." "Oh, he's got a memory like an elephant." "How lucky can you get?" "I was there." "I saw your last performance." "How was I?" "You... well, you were great." "You were unbelievable." "Good answer." "Who writes your material?" "Who writes your material?" "Wow!" "Is that morty?" "Can I..." "I wanna..." "No!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Don't touch that!" "Leave it alone, will ya?" "He's retired, like me." "What is it with you?" "What do you want from me?" "So much history." "So many memories." ""Showgirl dies in tragic resort fire." "Famous ventriloquist injured."" "Famous ventriloquist injured."" "Some memories are better than others." "I'm not even sure how the fire started." "I'm not even sure how the fire started." "All I know is..." "I lost everything that night." "Everything." "Couldn't you operate morty with your left hand?" "Left?" "Left?" "Left?" "That's good for opening doors and swatting flies." "This is the hand that had the magic in it." "Why did you come, huh?" "To stir up old memories?" "To pry into my pain?" "Speak up, damn it!" "Um, tomorrow is amateur night at the nautical club." "I wanted my first time in front of an audience to be on the very same stage that I saw you perform." "I was hoping that maybe you could come by and give me your critique." "You know, maybe some pointers." "I don't go out much." "Yeah, well..." "Thanks." "Um..." "Sorry I wasted your time." "Sorry I wasted your time." "Mr. ingels, ever since I saw you that night, you've been my idol." "Because of you, all I've ever wanted to be is a ventriloquist." "I got to know if I've got what it takes." "Only you can tell me that." "Only you can tell me that." "Hey, kid." "What's your name again?" "Billy Goldman." "Billy Goldman, you forgot your act." "Billy Goldman, you forgot your act." "Billy!" "Billy!" "I'll think about it." "I'll think about it." "He'll think about it." "He'll think about it." "What do you think, morty?" "♪♪ Camptown ladies sing this song ♪♪" "♪♪ Doo-dah, Doo-dah ♪♪" "♪♪ Camptown racetrack 5 miles long ♪♪" "♪♪ Oh, Doo-dah day... ♪♪" "Amateur night." "Boy, you said it." "Sounds like a cat in heat." "I think she's pretty good." "Hey, watch it!" "Big tits." "That's the secret to amateur night." "Always make sure you got big tits." "Otherwise, you're south." "Excuse me." "Hey!" "Thank you." "♪♪ ...going to run all night ♪♪" "♪♪ Going to run all day ♪♪" "♪♪ I bet my money on a bobtail nag ♪♪" "♪♪ Somebody bet on the bay ♪♪" "Oh, my god." "He actually came." "He's here." "He's here!" "Let's go!" "You're on!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Ok, ok." "My chair." "Get your chair!" "They're waiting for you!" "What's the matter?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Ladies and gentlemen, amateur night continues at the nautical club with an unknown, unheard-of, and likely to stay that way..." "Just kidding..." "The fabulous ventriloquism of Tim..." "What's your name?" "Billy." "My name's Billy..." "And Billy!" "Tim and Billy!" "Come on!" "Put your hands together!" "Come on!" "Um, this will just be a second." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen..." "Uh, ladies and germs." "Bring back the fuckin' girl with the tits." "I just recently flew in from New Jersey." "Bet your arms are tired!" "And my arms are tired." "And my arms are tired." "Come on, kid." "You can do it." "But..." "But..." "Boo!" "Boo!" "But seriously, folks... ahem." "But seriously, folks... ahem." "My partner and myself would like to take this time to announce we have a special guest in the audience." "Uh..." "A man who, without any doubt, is probably the world's greatest ventriloquist." "Who cares?" "Go home to your mama!" "Go home to your mama!" "Hey, cutie pie." "Want to buy a girl a drink?" "You know, you're kind of cute." "You look like my grandfather." "I have a special today on family members." "Leave me alone." "Leave me alone." "Well, if you change your mind, I'm down there." "Perk up." "Perk up." "I was terrible, wasn't I?" "I was terrible, wasn't I?" "It wasn't terrible." "It wasn't terrible." "Ok, it was terrible." "You had no technique..." "No concentration, and no material, and you had no idea how to work the audience." "Billy, I suggest you look for another line of work." "Yeah." "Listen, um, thanks for coming down, and, um, I'm sorry about the wasted trip." "And, um, I'm sorry about the wasted trip." "Billy." "Billy." "Billy, I'm truly sorry." "Believe me." "I know what it's like when your whole life's dream crumbles like dust in your hand." "Thanks." "Thanks." "No." "No." "Can I buy you a drink, my dear?" "Can I buy you a drink, my dear?" "What was I fuckin' thinking about?" "My mother was right!" "Everybody's been right!" "Fuck you!" "Ahh!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "What happened here?" "At first, we thought they were necking, but then the guy saw us and took off running for the woods!" "Did you see him?" "What did he look like?" "It was dark." "He did it!" "Horrible!" "It was horrible!" "He was trying to set the car on fire!" "It stinks of gas!" "Nobody smoke!" "Don't smoke!" "Nobody smoke!" "Don't smoke!" "Nobody smoke!" "Mr. ingels!" "Oh, my god." "Get out of here, god damn it!" "Oh!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Just get that..." "What the hell are you pulling here?" "Hey, give me that!" "That's my morphine!" "Give me that!" "You idiot!" "don't you know what you're doing?" "You're nothing but a junkie!" "To think I admired you." "To think I wanted to be just like you." "Please." "Please, don't hurt me." "You killed that woman tonight, didn't you?" "No!" "No, not me!" "Don't lie to me, old man!" "You killed her!" "You stink of gasoline!" "You tried to set a fire to cover it up just like that other woman 15 years ago!" "No!" "No!" "I set those fire, but I never killed..." "Then who killed her?" "Who killed her?" "Morty!" "Who?" "Who?" "Morty." "Morty." "He hates women." "He's never been able to have a woman in a normal way." "Oh, I..." "I try to stop him, but there's just no reasoning with morty." "He's very willful..." "He's very willful..." "And very psychotic." "And very psychotic." "Mr. ingels, there's, um, people who will understand, people who can help you." "What are you saying?" "I'm crazy?" "Split personality?" "That I hear voices in my head in the middle of the night?" "I think you better go now..." "Before morty tries to hurt you." "Morty can't hurt me." "He... he's made of cloth and wood, nothing else." "You don't know what you're saying." "You don't know what you're saying." "I'll show you." "I'll show you." "Morty..." "Please." "Not again." "He can't hurt me." "He's... he's not real." "He's... he's not real." "He can't do anything." "He isn't alive." "He's just a dummy." "They manufactured him." "I'll prove it to you." "Come here, Mr. ingles." "Come over here." "Take a look at this." "Come over here." "Take a look at this." "He isn't real." "He's constructed of wood and cloth, some wires, some cables." "He has no mind..." "No soul." "And no head." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "You know it all, huh?" "Know it all, you little shit?" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Go on!" "Go on!" "You missed something." "Take a look." "Go ahead." "Look!" "Look!" "Look at it!" "That's right, a mask!" "Morty's like me." "He's real!" "He's flesh and blood!" "In fact, morty is my brother!" "Ha ha ha!" "My brother!" "You see him?" "Here's morty!" "Aah!" "We were born like this." "I guess we were meant to be twins, but nature can work in a cruel way sometimes." "But rather than going through life as freaks, we decided on a career in show business!" "Yeah." "We decided to put our heads together." "That's a joke, son." "I don't see you laughing." "Ha ha ha!" "For 15 years, I kept him drugged up, away from the world." "Especially the ladies." "Then you had to come along and stir things up!" "Get the cleaver!" "Cut him up!" "You even destroyed the last of the morphine, the only thing that could calm him down." "Now I can't even stop him!" "He's very willful!" "What are you gonna do?" "Talk him to death?" "Slice him!" "Unzip his guts!" "Kill him!" "Kill him!" "Kill him!" "Stop it!" "He doesn't control you!" "You're the ventriloquist!" "He's the dummy!" "I'm the brains of this outfit!" "It was my idea to go into show biz." "I designed the act!" "I wrote all the material!" "I wrote his ad-libs!" "He's just a straight man." "I'm the funny one!" "You know what it's like being stuck with my brother?" "All those gorgeous babes flaunting themselves and not able to do a thing about it without him?" "Do it!" "Carve him up!" "Aah!" "I'm sorry, Billy." "You're a nice kid." "But I got to chop you." "I gotta cut you to steaming little pieces!" "Stop!" "You can fight him, Mr. Ingels!" "You can fight him." "He'll tell everybody about us!" "They'll put us away in a dark place." "Lock us up with all the other freaks!" "Now, do it!" "Chop his head in two!" "Kill him!" "Kill him!" "Get out of my head, you little shit!" "Get out of my head!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "What are you doing?" "I'm splitting up the act!" "Don't worry, Mr. ingels." "You'll be ok!" "It doesn't matter, Billy." "I'm free." "I'm finally free." "I'm free." "I'm finally free." "Au contraire, mein fr￩re." "Aah!" "I'm the one who's finally free!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Billy, get him off me!" "Get him off me!" "Get him... aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Mr. ingels!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "All right, you little fucker!" "I'm going to park you in the cheap fuckin' seats!" "All right!" "All right, where are ya?" "Come on out." "Where are you?" "Get the point?" "Ha ha ha!" "I'm gonna turn you into a greasy little smear, you sick turd!" "Where are you, you little fuck?" "Over here, Turkey!" "Over here, Turkey!" "What a lovely bastard." "You inbred fuckin' cabbage patch kid!" "You're a real schmuck!" "I'm gonna turn you into brain fuckin' pie!" "Hey, moe!" "Hey, Larry!" "Woo woo woo woo!" "Hey, moe!" "Hey, Larry!" "Woo woo woo woo!" "Hey, batter, batter, batter." "Hey, batter, batter, batter." "Swing!" "Ohh!" "Hey, ump." "The batter's blind." "Throw that bum out of the game." "Get him a dog." "Walk him around." "Why, my own grandmother can hit better than that." "What a moron!" "Moron!" "There's the pitch!" "Batter swings!" "Ohh!" "Aah!" "Ohh!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Home run!" "No, not the meat grinder!" "Ow!" "What are you doing?" "I'm Makin' an asshole casserole, pal, and you're the main ingredient." "Oh, Jesus, it's killing... no!" "Wait!" "We can make a deal." "Shut up!" "You know what I'm saying?" "Oh, Jesus Christ, it's killing me." "I'll do anything you want." "Ow!" "Anything!" "Anything!" "I swear!" "Anything?" "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." "And now, direct from las Vegas, here's morty and Billy!" "It's showtime, folks." "It's showtime, folks." "She says to me, "you know a better way to study astronomy?"" "Well, what did you do then?" "What else?" "I showed her my telescope, the big one!" "I showed her my telescope, the big one!" "I'm telling ya." "She really saw stars that night." "Hold the phone." "Look what just walked in." "Hubba hubba yeow!" "What a tomato." "Morty, um, about the telescope, did you discover any other new heavenly bodies that night?" "You bet your ass." "Feast your eyes on her." "Hey, baby, what are you doing after the show?" "Stick to the material, damn it." "Forget the material." "That toots is making eyes at me." "I'm warning you." "I bet she could suck the varnish off a foot stool." "Couldn't ya, honey?" "Look, we had an agreement!" "You get top billing." "The ladies are off-limits!" "Now, cut this shit or I'll shove you right back into that meat grinder." "I think you're gonna find that a little difficult, not to mention painful." "What are you doing?" "Renegotiating our deal." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Let's go." "Come on." "Aah!" "Pull yourself together." "Aah!" "Try to scratch your ass now, buster." "Ha ha ha!" "Looks like we're stuck with each other." "Aah!" "Aah!" "What do you say, folks?" "Billy deserves a big hand, don't you think?" "Sheesh!" "The things some folks will do to get ahead in show business." "Oh, well." "Next time somebody tells Billy he's no dummy, he can say, "want to bet?"" "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Captioning made possible by Warner bros."