"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Deep in the heart of the Transylvanian Alps... someone sobs." "The mawkish, miasmic, and maleficent mists... that surround Castle Duckula can only partially muffle... these heart-wrenching cries of anguish." "Let us approach to discover... the origin of this despairing dolefulness." "I despair, Nanny." "Where have I gone wrong?" "Oh, why can't the master be more macabre?" "More malevolent?" "More malicious?" "It's not as if I haven't tried." "I have tried, haven't I?" "You know I have tried, don't you, Nanny?" "Ohh, yes, Mr. Igor, you're very trying." "I don't know how much more... of his total lack of evildoing I can take." "For instance, do you know what I found... the young master doing yesterday afternoon?" "No." "What?" "He was using the bone crusher in the torture chamber." " Never!" " To press flowers!" "Ooh, bless him!" "Ooh, pardon my French, Mr. Igor." "I sometimes find myself longing for the old days, Nanny." "Remember the old days?" "Ooh, yes!" "Oh, when I was a little girl..." "I used to crush wildflowers, too." "Not that long, Nanny." "Do you remember when it would be a foul, stormy night... with the lightning flashing... and the rain streaming down in bucketfuls... and the master..." "That would be the young master's great-grandfather... or was it great-great-grandfather?" "No... no matter." "At the height of the storm... there would be a knocking at the door." "Like this?" "Not unlike that, Nanny... but perhaps a little less forceful, yes." "Yes, a knocking at the door." "The master would bid me open it, and there would stand... soaked to the skin, a nice, normal young couple... whose carriage had shed a wheel or broken an axle." "Oh, yes." "I remember!" "Huh, they'd ask for shelter and the master'd say..." ""Prepare the blue room, Nanny." "We have guests."" "Oh, he was kind-hearted was the master." "And that's the last the world would ever see of them." "Yes." "I wonder what became of them?" "Yes, Nanny, quite." "Oh, gosh darn!" "Oh, Scott, I hate it when you curse like that." "Oh, gee, I..." "I'm sorry honey." "It's..." "It's just that this gosh darn..." "Scott!" "Sorry, honey." "This... this blankety blank..." "Eastern European jalopy's broken down." "I wondered why we stopped." "Can you fix it, Scott?" "I don't know, honey." "It sounded to me like the wernet flange lost contact... with the counter cotter catheter." "What does that mean?" "Well, you lose traction... on the main alternating piston tharble unit." "And that means?" "Yes, honey." "We've broken down." "Oh, three men went to kill" "Went to kill the vampire" "Three men, two men, one man and his stake" "Went to kill the vampire" "Four men went to kill" "Went to kill..." "Hi." " High?" " How high?" "About 5'8" in wet socks by the looks of him." "Uh, no, I..." "I mean..." "That is..." "Heh heh..." "Hello." "Oh, so it's hello now, is it?" "Next it'll be our car's broken down on highway yonder." "And have you got a room for the night?" "Hey, now, that's what I call a coincidence." "That's exactly what's happened." "And if you do have a room for the night..." "Well, we ain't." "You ain't?" "L..." "I mean don't?" " Nope." " But this is an inn?" "Arr, The Teeth and Jugular." "Quaint." "We're full up, ain't we?" "Werewolf season." "Werewolf?" "Oh, arr, come the glorious twelfth... you hears nothing but the twang of the crossbow... and the howl of the werewolf." "Arr." "Arr?" "L..." "I mean, I..." "I see." "Well, what do you suggest we do?" "Well, I got two suggestions." "Oh, good." "You can either sleep in your car." "Oh, no!" "Or you can go up to the castle on the hill." " Castle?" " I mean..." "I means hotel." " Hotel?" " Arr, Castle Hotel." "On the hill up there." " Up there?" " Arr." " Up there?" " Arr!" "Well, thanks a lot for all your help." "T'were nothing." "Think nothing of it." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "Right, now, where were we, lads?" "Oh, arr!" "Two, three, four." "Five men went to kill" "Went to kill the vampire" "Five men, four men, three men, two men and a stake..." "Well, honey, uh, here we are." "Oh, Scott, do you think it's gonna be OK?" "It looks kind of spooky to me." "Honey, we're in Transylvania." "Everything looks spooky in Transylvania." "I guess so." "Huh, some knocker, huh?" "Not today, thank you." "Hey!" "Hey, what is this?" "Welcome!" "Welcome!" "That's more like it." "Are you the maitre d'?" "The maitre d'?" "Er, the maitre d'hotel." "This is a hotel, ain't it?" "A hotel?" "Oh!" "Why, I..." "Yes, of course, a hotel." "What a splendid idea." "Do you feel OK?" "I haven't felt so good in years, sir." "What a pleasure it is to see you." "Do come in." "Do come in." "Nanny!" "Nanny!" "Coming, Mr. Igor, coming!" "Oops-a-daisy!" "Oh ho ho!" "Oh, silly me." "I forgot I was doing some mangling... when you called, Mr. Igor." "I'm afraid I opened the door with it." "Never mind, Nanny." "We have company." "Ooh, that's nice." "Yes, Nanny." "Nanny's the chambermaid, sir, madam." "She'll take your bags and show you to your..." "What's all the noise?" "Nanny, what have you damaged, destroyed, demolished..." "And delighted to make your acquaintance." "How are you and who are you?" "Well, my name's Scott and this is my fiancée Laura." " Charming." " Oh, you!" "And what happy stroke of fate... brings you to this godforsaken corner of the globe?" "Well, see, we're touring lower Transylvania... and our car broke down on the highway back there." "Anyway, the locals down there very kindly directed us up here." "They did?" "They did?" "I wonder why?" "Oh, no!" "Oh, don't say you're full, too." "Your maitre d'..." " Maitre d'?" " I think he means me, sir." "He seemed to imply that you had rooms." "Rooms?" "Rooms!" "Ho ho, we've got rooms, all right." "Well, we've got stacks of rooms." "The old place is absolutely stuffed with rooms." "Rooms!" "I mean, you can't go anywhere... without going through a room." "Well, do you think you'll be able to put us up for the night?" "Now, that's what I call a good idea." "I can see we're gonna have a real swell time here, Mr..." "Count." "Mr. Count." "A real swell time." "Yes." "If my memory serves me right... the beak of this statue is the secret device... which activates the falling chandelier." "And this..." "Drat!" "The spy hole is blocked." "Ah, perfect." "Yes." "Just as soon as they're under the chandelier..." "I press the beak..." "I press the..." "Oh, drat again." "I suppose I shall have to solicit Nanny's help." "Now, have you got that, Nanny?" "Yes." "When you press my beak, I give you the word." "Oh!" "Now, then, what was the word?" "Nanny, you've got it the wrong way round." "What, my beak?" "Here, I'll thank you to keep... a civil tongue in your head, Mr. Igor, if you don't mind." "I may not be a great beauty, but..." "No, Nanny." "I'm not casting aspersions on your facial arrangement." "Nasturtiums?" "Where?" "Nanny, just listen." "All right, Mr. Igor." "Listen!" "When I give you the word, you press the beak." " Get it?" " Yes." " Got it?" " Yes." "Good." "And this is what we call the Long Gallery... so called because it is, well, long." "It sure is." "Oh, Scott, just look at that chandelier." "It's just so antique." "It is." "It is, as you so rightly pointed out, antique." "Yes, this chandelier was presented to the sixth Count... by His Gracious Majesty King Otto of Bratislavia." "Or was that King Bratislavia of Otto?" "I can never remember that." " Now!" " Yes?" "Now, Nanny!" "Now!" "Yes?" "Now what?" " Hit it!" " Hit what?" "The beak, Nanny!" "Hit the break!" "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure!" "Hit it!" "Oh, all right, Mr. Igor." "Well, it certainly is impressive." "Yes, sir, that's what I call a chandelier." "We've got nothing like that back in Tuscaloosa." "Thank you." "A small thing, but mine own." "Now, allow me to show you the library." " What's that?" " The library?" "Well, it's a room full of books and stuff." "No, I know what a library is." "We have one of those in Tuscaloosa." " Really?" " I meant what was that noise?" "Noise?" "I can't hear anything." "It's gone now." "Oh, good." "Now, the library." "I didn't mean my beak, Nanny." "Well, you should've said so, then, shouldn't you?" "But, Nanny, I..." "I made it perfectly clear I..." "Ohh!" "Never mind." "I imagine my beak will feel infinitely better... when I've entertained them with a few tricks in the library." ""Lycanthropy for Beginners."" "Ooh!" "What's lycanthropy?" "Oh, that's the ability to turn yourself... into a werewolf, you know." "You know werewolves?" "Werewolves?" "Werewolves!" "Huh!" "Superstitious nonsense." "Oh, absolutely!" "Pish!" "Not to say tosh." "Oh, g-good." "Yes, most of this library is the collection... of my great-great-great- great-great-great... great-great-grandfather the fifth Count Duck..." "So, this hotel is sort of a family business?" "Yes, the hotel." "Oh, that's nice." "I think that family is so important." "I come from a large family myself, you know." "Oh." "No, oh, how nice." ""Build Your Own Torture Chamber"?" "Oh, how icky." "Yeah, that's my great-great-great-great... great-great-great- grandfather for you." "Always one for a laugh." "Heh heh heh!" ""Demonology:" "A Step By Step Primer."" "Demonology!" "What a joker!" ""The Modern Ghoul's Handbook."" ""Ghoul's Handbook." Ha ha ha!" ""Vampirism In Three Easy Stages."" "Vampires!" " Vampires?" "!" " Oh, it's OK, honey." "There's no such thing as ghouls, demons, werewolves, or vampires." "Isn't that right, Mr. Count?" "Oh, absolutely!" "I mean, especially not vampires." "Oh, dear, no!" "The very idea." "Oh, good." "Scott's so down to earth, Mr. Count." "He's a mathematician, you know." "Really?" "A mathemathemathemath..." "A mathemathemathe..." " A mathematician." " That's right." "Hey, you want to know something?" "No, not really." "What's that?" "I've calculated and memorized pi to 15,000 places." "15... 15,000!" "15,000." "Well, that's incredible." "Yeah, it is pretty neat." "Yeah." "Off-hand..." "I can only think of four places for a pie." "In the icebox, in the oven, in my mouth, and in my stomach." "Oh, yummy!" "What sort of pie is it?" "Pizza, pecan, pumpkin... or pull the other one, it plays Dixie?" "No, no, no, Mr. Count." "Not that sort of pie." "Pi." "It's a symbol representing the ratio... of the circumference of a circle to the diameter." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's sometimes represented as 22/7... but that's wildly inaccurate." "Fascinating!" "So I've calculated it to 15,000 decimal places." "And memorized it, too?" "How gripping." "Isn't it?" "You want to hear it?" "No." "No." "Uh, no!" "That is, I..." "Uh, no." "There's lots more of the castle to see." "Here goes. 3.14159798..." "Well!" "Well, that really is most interesting..." "Oh, it's no use trying to talk to him now." "He goes into a sort of trance when he's remembering pi." " He does?" " Uh-huh." "How long does it take?" "Oh, a day or two." "What?" "!" "A day or two?" "Oh, no." "Perfect." "Heh heh heh!" "They're standing on the trap door." "Yes!" "I just have to give this book a little tug towards me... and they'll be plunged headlong into the werewolf pit... from whose bourn no traveler returns." "What... what was that?" "Hmm?" "What was what?" "I thought I saw some of those shelves turn round." "Really?" "Must have been a trick of the light or something." "Oh." "Oh, good." "Wrong book." "Ah, but wait, my luck is in." "They're still in position." "Now, it must be this book." "Curses!" "Can he be moved while he's counting?" "Oh, yes." "He can walk and everything." "He just can't hear you." "Can't hear me?" "Oh, yes, I see." "7235368..." "Quite." "Ahem." "Quite." "I suggest we get freshened up... and then we have something to eat." "Curses!" "Down, Towser!" "Down, sir, I say!" "Towser!" "That's evil." "Evil." "I don't know." "What do you get... if you cross a butler with a werewolf?" "Oh!" "I've got an aching head." "You get an aching head... if you cross a butler with a werewolf?" "No, Sviatoslav." "You get an aching head... if you're hit over it with a mallet!" "I still can't make out why Mr. Igor was so cross with me." "He told me to hit the beak and I hit it." "I..." "Ooh." "Maybe he meant this beak." "Dinner is... served." "03198..." "And so that's when I met Scott." "He was on the college math team." "You do surprise me." "Oh, I know." "All the other girls went for..." "No, not you?" "I like a man to have charm, wit, intelligence." "The ability to bore people witless?" "That's what Papa said the first time he met Scott." "He said, "You hang on to that boy." ""He's got sophistication."" "You know the first thing he said to Mommy?" "No, go on." "Surprise me." "He said, "You know, ma'am, I can see where..." ""Laura gets her good looks from."" "Oh, the old soft soap routine, huh?" ""You must be an interior designer." ""You have such a beautiful home."" "Mommy was hooked." "What was she, a trout?" "And he just charmed his way into the hearts of my family." "I have a large family." "I have three sisters and two brothers." "I have 17 aunts." "There's Auntie Phyllis." "She's a little advanced in years now, poor dear." "Then there's Auntie Laura." "I'm named after her, you know." "And then there's little Wilbur." "He's Uncle Bob's little boy." "So Bob's your uncle, eh?" "Uh-huh." "And I've got four nieces, too." "Oh, good." " That's really made my day." " There's little Emily." "She's so cute." "She's just three and cute as a button." "Do you know what she said the other day?" "Well, strange as this may seem, no." "She said, "Auntie Lulu." That's what she calls me." "...and that's my family." "Oh, I hope I haven't been boring you, Mr. Count." "Hmm?" "Bored?" "Me, bored?" "The very idea!" "I can't remember when I had a more stimulating conversation." "Oh, good." "Well, it's been a long day... and I think it's time for Scott and me to turn in for the night." "Thank goodness!" "I mean, good idea." "I feel quite exhausted myself." "Oh, and thank you, Igor, Nanny." "That was a charming meal." "Thank you, ma'am." "I personally would have enjoyed it more... had Nanny not spilt the poisoned soup." "We used to have some fun with this... the old master and me." "A few turns of the handle and the canopy above their bed... would descend and squash them to jelly." "Oh, perfect." "Ah, I just want you to turn that handle, Nanny." "What for, Mr. Igor?" "Exercise, Nanny." "Ohh, yes." "Off you go, Nanny." "Ohh!" "No!" "No!" "Stop, Nanny!" "Stop!" " Pardon?" " Stop, Nanny!" "Oh, Mr. Igor!" "Ho ho!" "You and your games." "Get me out!" "Get me out!" "Please!" "We really have enjoyed our stay in your wonderful hotel... haven't we, Scott?" "...89583!" "There!" "Pretty impressive, huh?" "One of the most interesting numbers I've ever heard." "Yeah, I think so, too." "Hey, you want to hear the longest prime number... known to man?" "It's a real beauty... and I've got her memorized to over a million..." "Scott, we don't have time!" "We've got to get back to Tuscaloosa, remember?" "Oh, what a shame!" "And just when we were having such fun." "Yeah." "If you're ever in Tuscaloosa... be sure and look us up." "Oh ho, sure!" "Free!" "Free!" "Free!" "Ha ha ha!" "Free!" "Oh, happy, happy, happy day!" "I'll get it!" "Would you like me to order a new front door, milord?" "Excellent idea, Igor." "Excellent idea." "What the...?" "!" "Take a look at that, would you, Myrtle?" "Oh, take a picture of it, Belvedere." " I look at it later." " Yeah." "What on earth..." " Hi, there!" " Oh, no!" "Oh, Mr. Count, we enjoyed our stay with you so much... that we decided to bring the whole family..." " for a good long holiday." " Help." "Now, Mr. Count, about that number." "Are you ready?" "1947235368..." "And with those familiar screams once more ringing in our ears... we bid farewell to this sad and blighted castle." "Good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"