"I'm going to miss you too, sweetie, but it's the first day of school." "They're going back to school, huh." "Going back to school, huh." "Going back to school, huh, going back to school, huh." "Going back to school..." " Oh, Niles, this sandwich feels a little stale." "Well, I made them in June in anticipation of this blessed event." "Fran?" "Hey, Fran." " Hi, honey." "What?" "What?" "How do I look?" " Gorgeous, always." "Oh, wait." "Oh, my God." "Look how tall you got." "I can hardly reach." "Oh, my God." "I got too tall?" "What am I going to do?" "Well, somebody's got to clean the Statue of Liberty. / Shut up, Brighton." "Honey, you're gorgeous, don't worry." "In high school they stopped making fun of the tall girls." "It's the girls with BO that's gotta worry." "Sorry I'm late." "I was on the phone with my therapist." "I had the unicorn dream again last night." "Now, these shrinks, they read something into everything." "Honey, a unicorn is nothing more than a big horse with a long... if you need therapy, I need to be committed." "All right, children, the limo's waiting." "Time to go." "All right." "You heard your father." " Scram." "Woops!" "First day of school already." "Summer just flew by." "Spoken by a man who did not see the "Lion King" 257 times." "Home alone." "No more Pog." "No more Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and alas, no more Nintendo." "What happened to the Nintendo?" "Well, I accidentally pounded it repeatedly with a meat mallet." "Niles, you couldn't have thought of that two months ago?" "Oh, Niles, look, ESQUIRE came out with their most eligible bachelor list." "Oh, they retired Jon Jon." "You know, no offense to Daryl, but, if you recall," "Caroline found happiness with a Schlossberg." "Jackie found happiness with a Templesman." "Maybe Jon Jon should have stopped by a few Hadassah meetings." "Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield's moved up to third place." "Oh, yeah, oh, say hello to bachelor No. 3." "Oh, not you too." " Why?" "I've been bombarded all morning with FAX's and telephone calls women who want to date me, women who want to have my children." "And this one wants to ..." "oh, good God!" "I'll follow-up on that one, sir." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I think it's an honor." "Look, you're right behind Prince Edward and the former Mayor Cotch." "I'll tell you, just my opinion, but if those two ever met, you could move straight up to No. 1." "I don't want to be No. 1, Miss Fine." "I don't want to be on the damn list at all." "I'm a widower for God sakes, not a bachelor." "And the difference would be?" "Well, a bachelor makes you think of dancing till dawn, champagne for breakfast, and black satin sheets." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, too bad we never met in a past life." "Miss Fine, I'm quite content with my life." "I have my family;" "I have my work." "Well, you know what they say." "All work and no play makes a man ..." "Rich enough to pay our salaries." " All right." "Play time's over." "Make some money. / Yeah." "Look, Miss Fine, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I'm just not ready to date yet." "All right." "Oh, fine, I didn't bring it up." "I just came in for a fruit." "Oh, I'll tell you, it just makes me so sad." "Here it is five years later, and he still feels like he'd be cheating on his wife." "It's a classic widower syndrome." " Very astute, Miss Fine. "Oprah"?" ""Courtship of Eddie's Father."" "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss the kids." "Shut up, Brighton." " I'm over it." "We're home." " Hi." "How was your first day back?" "Oh, I love school." "They opened a coffee shop across the street, and they only hired really cute college guys." "And for this, your father pays seven grand?" "Was it directly across the street or catty-corner." "Fran, I love second grade." "The conversations on the monkey bars were so stimulating." "Oh..." "Some of life's best moments are spent hanging from your knees with your skirt over your head." "I hate junior high." "I'm never going back." "Oh, now, don't panic." "It's just the first day." "Oh, he'll go back." "He will go back, won't he?" "Well, if he doesn't, we'll have to hire a tutor." "And then he'll be home all the time. / Brighton ..." "Brighton, honey, you want to talk about it?" " No." "Okay ..." "On the other hand, I think I'd feel too guilty cashing my paycheck this week." "Come on, B, I'm your nanny." "You can talk to me about anything." "Except computers, those things throw me into a tailspin." "Never mind." "It's too embarrassing." "Honey, you're talking to a woman whose underpants fell off in the middle of Bloomingdales." "Really?" "What did you do?" "I kicked them down to the land comb counter and kept on walking." "Well, there are just some things a girl wouldn't understand." "I'm not a girl." "I'm a nanny." "Anything you say goes no further than this room." "I'm like a priest." "Well, not exactly a priest because priests are celibate, and I'm ... actually, I could be a priest." "No, not with that Nehru collar." "I like a nice scooped neck, a "V,"" "off the shoulder's nice, all good for me, but a Nehru, no ..." "All right, all right, I'll tell you." "We were in the locker room after gym ..." "And?" "Fran, I'm smaller than everyone else." "Smaller?" "How?" "Just forget it." "It's too humiliating." "Well, what could be so humiliating about being smaller in the locker room?" "Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother you, but we've got a problem." "And boy, you are never going to guess this one." "Just make it short." " You ..." "You guessed." "Niles, do you need to speak with me as well?" "Oh, no, sir." "I simply wanted to be here in person for this one." "Brighten was in gym class, and, well, when he looked around, compared to all the other boys, he is small." "Small?" "You know, like in petite... pequito..." "Girkin." "Oh ..." "And the poor guy's really upset." "What are we going to do?" "Yes." "Cee Cee, would you excuse us." "I have to have a word with Miss Fine." "If I go, he goes." "Yes, of course." "Niles." "What did I do?" "Niles ..." "Well, now you've ruined it for everybody." "So ..." " So ..." "Brighten, huh?" "Are you sure?" "But he has such big feet." "I suppose I'll just have to sit him down and have a man-to-man talk with him." "Either that or buy him a really big car." "Brighten..." " Yeah, Dad?" "I think we should have a little talk." "I mean not a little talk." "Well, it might it might, start out little, but get big later." "Not that a ... not that a big talk is necessarily any better than a a little talk." "The size of the talk is really not important." "Any questions so far?" "Have you seen my Nintendo?" "Val, can you put my hair brush in your purse?" "I can if you carry my Mace." " Put your Mace in your pocket." "I got my Totes rain hat in there." "Well, if you put on your Totes rain hat, you're not going to need the Mace." "Oh, Val, look at him sitting there alone like a dog." "Yeah, meanwhile, we're going to miss the No. 5 bus." "But how is it possible?" "I mean he's handsome; he's young ... all right, he's 42, but he's a nice man, a good catch, true?" "True." "Ladies, please, I am not in the cone of silence." "Val, your voice travels." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, come with us." "No, really." "It's, it's very generous of you." "But I, I have a full evening planned." "It will give me a chance to finish the book." "Oh, Webster's, let me know how it ends." "Well, all right, then, I can spend the evening with ..." "Maggie!" "We'll go to Rufflemeyers and   have great big sundaes with nuts and bananas, what do you say?" "Well, it's kind of the first day of school." "I was going to meet up with some kids and have some actual fun. / Oh." "Bye." "Come on, Mr. Sheffield, come with us." "It's supposed to be a really great club." "No, I already told you, I'm not ready to date." "What date?" "We're just three friends sharing a cab, or in this case, your limo." "What does he know from clubs?" " Excuse me." "Studio 54, Anabells, Tramps," "Maxwell Sheffield was there." "Oh, you hear that, Val?" "He got down, he got funky." "Ladies, to the limo." "But who's going to hit on us if we're with a guy?" "Oh, just let me take care of that." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so happy that you're coming." "You're really going to have a wonderful time." "Oh, just one last thing:" "You don't know us;" "we've never seen you before, and I might have to tell a few people that you're gay." "Oh, is this a great club or what?" "We haven't been inside yet." " Oh, we never get inside." "You get inside?" "Val ..." "Oh, Fran, there's a cute guy over there checking you out." "Where?" "Where?" "Oh, he is cute." "I think you're losing it." "I wonder why." "Oh, sorry, forgot." "Don't even know you." "Oh, my God, is that Alec Baldwin?" "No, I think it's Billy." "Wait, I think it's Daniel." "Oh, it's Steven." "Maxwell Sheffield?" "Yes." "Please, please, follow me." "Oh, my God, we're getting in." " And you didn't want to bring him." "Excuse me." "Are they with you?" "No, don't know them." "Never saw them." "Perfect strangers." " Mr. Sheffield ..." "Oh, and I might be gay ..." "Want a jelly donut?" " Sure, why not?" "You know, I'm going to write those people at Exxon a letter." "They do a beautiful restroom." "Whoever cleaned that toilet should be sent straight to Prince Edward Sound." "Here he is." "Mr. Sheffield, we're over here." "Fantastic club." "You can't even move on this dance floor." "So what do the two of you think?" "It's like nothing we've ever seen before. / Ever." "I met the most incredible woman." " Get out of here." "You met someone?" "Yeah." "Just, just wait here." "I want you to meet her." "Can you believe he met someone?" "I'm wearing the Wonder Bra, and he gets lucky?" "I wonder who she is." " Oh, you know, he's so naive." "I just hope he doesn't come walking out with Rue Paul." "Val, Fran, this is Leslie." "Love the coat." "Ha, ha, ha." "Oh, my God." "He's a sprocket." "Niles, have my chauffeur bring the limo around, would you?" "I'm taking Leslie out to a gallery opening in Soho, then on to dinner and dancing at Matches." "The man's got a life, and I don't." "It's a world gone mad." "So what is the mystery woman like?" " Well, she's got a lot of hair." "She wears a lot of makeup and and very flashy clothes." "All in all, I'd say it was a very attractive package." "Oh, I'll get it." "Niles, you know, you don't have to keep announcing that." "It's your job." "Believe me, no one's going to horn in on you." "Hello." "What?" "Nothing, ah ... just stay right here until I go get Miss Babcock." "Mr. Sheffield, Leslie's here." "Take your time." "Come on." "Come, come, come, come, come, come, come." "Niles, what is so damn important?" "Hi." "Good God, it's multiplying." "I'd like you to meet Miss Babcock." "This is Mr. Sheffield's business partner." "This is Leslie." "I love your hair." "Who does your color?" "Oh, it's natural." "Well, I think it's very distasteful of Maxwell to be dating so soon." "Isn't a decade the standard period of mourning?" "Die and let's find out." "Some house, huh?" "Boy, when I first came here from Queens, I never thought that I'd ever have a house this big." "Tell me about it." "When I left Brooklyn and became a C.P.A., wouldn't you know I had (inaudible)." "Oh, I hear ya." "Niles, would you ice this and put it in the limo?" " Oh, certainly, sir." "That's a good man." " Oh, excuse me, sir." "If you don't mind my asking, doesn't Miss Leslie remind you of someone?" "Oh, so you noticed it too." " Well, it is rather obvious, sir." "Yes, she is a dead ringer for Connie Selica." "She ... she is pretty unique, isn't she, Niles?" "Whatever you say, sir." "Oh, oh, careful there, man." "Oh!" "Thank you, sir, yes." "You see, I should have used my oven mitt instead of this somewhat inferior substitution." "But I didn't realize I wanted my oven mitt until I saw them together." "And then I understood that of course my oven mitt is exactly what I wanted, and goodness gracious it was under any nose the entire time." "Good, glad you found it." "It's easy for you to get sale shoes." "You're a double "A" width." "No, I'm really a "B," but for 75 percent off," "I'll hold my toes like this." "Stop it." " You stop it." "Leslie, darling, I'm sorry to keep you waiting." "I hope you two found something to talk about. / Uh-huh ..." "Well, shall we?" " Sure." "But I just can't sit backwards in the limo." "I get nauseous." "Oh, well, there's pepto in the mini-bar." "Smile." "Oh, I forgot to put the thingie on." "Now they're going to have red eyes." "Oh, boy, are they a great couple or what?" "Boy, if they're not met to be together, who is?" "Miss Fine, doesn't Miss Leslie remind you of someone?" "What am I, a radish?" "That hair, those clothes, that voice." "She's a dead ringer for Audrey Hepburn." "Ma, Shirley Bassie?" "I don't know." "200, 220." "She goes up and down." "Hi, guys. / Oh, hi, honey." "How was school today?" "Great, lots of fun." "There is so much to learn." "Ma, I gotta go be a nanny." "Bye." "What the hell is wrong with him?" "He seemed perfectly normal." "I reiterate." "What the hell is wrong with him?" "Mr. Sheffield thinks their talk went rather well." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield thinks Cee Cee goes horseback riding for the exercise." "Smell Brighten's gym shirt." "I don't smell anything." " Exactly." "And if anyone knows what a sweaty man smells like, it's me." "Brighten did not go to gym class today." " Very impressive, Miss Fine." "Well, you don't watch eight years of "Murder She Wrote" without walking away with something." "Brighten Sheffield, you cut class today." "I am very disappointed in you, young man." "I just said that in case the intercoms were on." "Now, come on, you got a problem." "Let's talk about it." "I told you you couldn't understand." "Honey, I wouldn't understand?" "My home room was Mc Donalds." "Come on, let's deal with it." " How?" "Even if I grow another foot, I'll still be smaller than most of the guys." "Another foot?" "What kind of school is this?" "In grade school I was the big shot." "Fifth graders feared me." "Now in junior high, I'm a walking wedgie waiting to happen." "Oh, now I'm getting the picture." "They're all bigger than you, not bigger than you." "Honey, this I can handle." "Sweetie, you're only 12." "Most boys don't shoot up until after their bar mitzvah." "But I'm not getting bar miktzvah." "Huh, I hope it still works." "Honey, if it's any consolation to you, given time, this will no longer be a problem." "Some day you're going to be a senior, and you're going to be bigger than all the other kids, and you'll remember how you felt today." "When you walk down the hallway, you'll see some puny seventh grader, and you'll give him a little shove." "Thanks, Fran." "Just one more thing:" "When you said, "This I can handle,"" "what did you think I was talking about?" "Oh, exactly what you said, that you're shorter than everyone else." "Although your father was off on some wacko jag." "Looking for someone ..." " Niles, you scared me." "Put a bell around your neck, would you?" "You wanted him to have a life." "Yeah, well, it's 11:00, and he's got work tomorrow." "Well, you said he should have fun." "9:00 o'clock is having fun." "11:00 o'clock is already I don't need another kid to take care of." "And there's absolutely no one else she reminds you of?" "Oh, here he comes." "Stop yacking and act natural..." "Niles, who is it?" " Oddly enough, it's Mr. Sheffield." "Oh, back so soon." "Did you have a good time?" "Well, you know, pleasant enough." " Oh, you didn't like her?" "Gee, I thought her charm was only exceeded by her beauty." "Well, she had a certain way about her." "There was just something missing." " Humm ..." "Like ordering champagne and getting ginger ale." "You know, they look alike but don't make you feel the same." "Too bad." "She was going to fix me up with her boss ..." "English, handsome, rich." "All right, he's got a couple of kids, but I could learn to live with that." "Well, maybe next time." "But I do want to thank you, Miss Fine." "For what?" " Well, for getting me out in the world." "I mean Leslie may not be the one, but, well, at least you made me realize that perhaps I don't have to live the rest of of my life alone." "Oh, good night, Mr. Sheffield." " Pleasant dreams, Miss Fine." "Yeah, well, if I'm lucky, I'll have that one about the unicorn." "I don't smell anything." " Exactly, now if there's one thing I know, it's what a smelly man ... woopsie." "If anyone knows what a swelly man smells ..." "I'm sorry."