"ALAN DAVIES AS YET UNTITLED CTO M865L/82 BF000000" "Hello, I'm Alan Davies and this is As Yet Untitled." "This is the show where we have four guests and we have a conversation that's somewhat unprepared, with not really much of an agenda, and then we come up with a title." "This show is a little bit different." "We've cobbled together all the bits from the previous shows that we couldn't find room for and we've put them into this show." "I think it's quite good." "I hope you enjoy it." "Please, will you welcome my guests?" "Hello, hello." "Hello." "Welcome." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello, welcome." "Hello." "Hello." "Welcome." "That is not a seance." "It's not a seance." "It feels like it should be a seance." "So can you tell us about your formative years spent in a Tudor cassock?" "Yeah, I went to the weirdest school in the whole country." "I went to a school called Christ Hospital, where everybody had to wear full Tudor uniforms, and it was an amazing idea though." "Everybody... it's the sort of - it's what a school uniform is, it means everybody doesn't have to worry about what everyone else is wearing and stuff, but we..." "Cos you were all bullied." "Instead of no-one being bullied, everyone was bullied, that's what they went with." "We, I have no..." "But also, we used so many words that no-one else uses so I..." "When people say, "Oh, that happened to me in year six,"" "I have no concept of how old they were when that happened cos all my stories are like," ""Oh, my God, do you remember when Matron caught us sprimming our" ""housie coats when we were Grecians and" ""then someone came up and got spooned?"" "Like, that's..." "That's like a classic run of the mill story." "That's an excellent story." "Yeah, that's all I've got." "We're going to put subtitles on this when it goes out, right?" "Can we start with being spooned?" "What happens there?" "OK, so, when you're spooned..." "It's just a cuddle from behind." "No." "I've got a vision of a spoon going into an orifice, I'm afraid." "But we'll..." "We'll find out." "We had to wear..." "We had to wear girdles, which were belts, but that's the Tudor word for them." "And what would happen was, you'd go to..." "We had to march into lunch every day to a brass band and..." "Then, after grace, we would all have lunch, and then what you'd do is you'd try and get as many spoons as you could from the table and you'd bend the spoon over, like, sort of Uri Geller-style, like that." "With your mind or your fingers?" "With your hands, just classic - we weren't that weird." "And..." "Beg to differ." "Then you'd walk behind them, people, you'd walk behind people out of lunch and see how many spoons you could hook on the back of people's..." "Oh, classic." "Yeah, I know." "Yeah." "You know, we did that at my school." "Really?" "No." "So it would be, like, how many spoons you could get on the back of people's girdles before they noticed." "It was so fun." "What was the...?" "So you're a comedian." "So you're a stand up comedian of some note and you can do no observational material about school." "No, none at all." "Cos as soon as you go, "Do you remember?"" "The whole audience goes, "No."" "McIntyre would be..." "He'd be fucked if he was doing that, wouldn't he?" ""Do you remember at Tudor school, we used to go," ""we used to put the spoons in the back of the hoods?" ""Do you remember this?"" "I got lost in, you know, the motorway service car parks." "Went in for a coffee, I was driving to a gig on tour." "I was with Jo Brand, with Jo, and..." "Not a multistorey, just a general..?" "It's her fault, as well." "Is it her fault?" "It's her fault, as well." "It was a motorway service, and we were an hour and we'd told security that "The car has been stolen at your service station, that's" ""what's just happened, that's why we're wandering around like this."" "And he said, "Are you sure you didn't park it on the other side?" ""Only, a lot of people come in, have coffee and then" ""walk out the wrong side." "They are identical car parks."" "And I said, "Oh, I very much doubt that's happened."" "Walked out and that's exactly what had happened, yeah." "So, yeah, yeah." "I didn't go back and explain, "Thanks." You know..." "We had these fridges, they were like, you'd have milk." "These sort of..." "We have those in real life." "This is the least weird story ever." "Keep things cold like a cupboard?" "A light comes on when you open the door." "Did you ever have those...?" "It would be like a dispensing fridge and you used to take your thing, push it in and the milk would go into it." "Yeah, we've seen those." "You have these big milk packs, big squares of milk." "Oh, OK." "Hang on, I've got no idea what you're talking about." "OK." "A milk fridge?" "Yeah." "A fridge, it was like a dispenser, a milk dispenser." "That's a tit." "What you're talking about is a cow." "Yeah, yeah." "Like an electronic cow." "They used to have these 40-pint, or whatever, boxes of milk and you could steal them and people used to put them in their, like, dorms for like..." ""Remember everybody used to hide them in the dorms...?"" "For like months, like two or three months, just keeping these boxes of milk and then they'd go to the highest point in the house, in our boarding houses, and you'd wait till everyone left lunch walking" "past and then someone would lob one from the top window down..." "Oh..." "Armageddon." "..and it was like the most disgusting foam party you've ever seen in your life." "Just people covered in solid milk, it was the most..." "But the thing is, there was no way of cleaning your uniform for the rest of the term." "You didn't have washing machines back then, did you?" "No." "Down to the river and beating it on a rock." "Yeah." "But surely you'd get expelled for that one." "No, that was just day in the life." "Really?" "Yeah." "They never caught anyone doing that?" "By the way, that's the only time I've ever used the phrase, "No, that was just day in the life."" "I saw you do a gig and I came and interviewed you afterwards." "You were..." "It was in Clapham." "You interviewed me for the Face in 1992 and that's the first time I'd been interviewed by anybody, really." "And I'm really sorry cos I never wrote that cos I was in prison." "Really?" "Why were you in jail, then?" "Attempted theft of a Roger Rabbit vending device." "Normanton services, South Yorkshire." "A Roger Rabbit vending device?" "A really embarrassing way to get arrested." "Wait, what did it vend?" "Roger Rabbits?" "Like little balls, which had like a little, kind of, cuddly toy in or something, took ages to get in the van." "The charges were dropped, but that was the night I would always leave, and still do leave, writing articles to the very end." "Excuse me, just one question, right." "You sound like the policeman, now." "You just said, it took ages to get in the van, and then you said the charges were dropped, so I don't understand." "The charge was trying..." "Cos we gave it back." "It was the attempted theft." "Yeah, but you still did attempt a theft." "If you try and put in a big vending machine from the services into a minibus, there's nowhere to put it with all the band's equipment, so we had to take it back." "You've got off on a technicality there, you really have." "But the thing is, if you get charged with attempted murder and you don't succeed, they don't go, "Oh, fair's fair."" "Yeah, exactly." "Those aren't comparable crimes." "For a long time I had a police letter on my wall saying," ""Attempted theft of a Roger Rabbit vending device, Normanton services."" "And it should also have said, "On the night" ""he was due to send the article in to the Face about Alan Davies."" "I should explain, I know Lizzie quite well and Lizzie was in a play with Christian Slater." "Cuckoo's Nest." "Cuckoo's Nest, yeah." "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest." "What was your role in that?" "Prostitute, wasn't it?" "Yup." "Yeah, prostitute slash girlfriend, but at one point I had to sit on..." "We'd meet on stage, we'd snog," "I'd wrap my legs around him, we're grind around a bit together, then I'd go and sit on his lap, he'd jiggle me around, look at my boobs, occasionally he'd pull the left one out and suck on it, um..." "Was it an intensive period of rehearsal?" "How did you come up with that?" "I used to put different flavours on my nipples." "What is wrong with you?" "Nothing." "I think you'll find I'm winning!" "He'd have to guess by the end of the interval what the flavour was." "Erm..." "Actual foodstuffs or was it flavourings that you ordered online?" "No, there was orange cordial." "Erm..." "I once dipped my nipple in some cold Earl Grey tea." "He didn't get the subtle nuance, he thought it was PG." "Did you ever just put it in some hot milk?" "THEY GROAN" "Oh, you really lowered the tone!" "Why is that the "oh"?" "That's the first wholesome thing we've mentioned." "Oh, I've really lowered the tone, haven't I?" "Just clean it up, Alan." "Her head was on one side and her eyes were going like this." "Paddy, you started doing stand-up comedy when you were incredibly young, didn't you?" "17, were you?" "Yeah." "Were you that sort of age when you started doing stuff?" "Yeah." "You were doing some quite edgy stuff." "I remember my very first time I'd ever been in London and I came over to do the Comedy Store, and I used to have a Balaclava that I used on stage and..." "..which in Belfast..." "Now this seems ludicrous, but..." "Yes." "Yes, it does." "But I remember coming through Heathrow with this holdall and a Balaclava, and I got stopped and..." "And he said, "What's going on?"" "And I said, "I'm a comedian."" "He went, "Of course you are."" "And he brought me into the room and you're looking around, and he's got these dishwashing gloves on, and you look round and there's no sink and..." "No dishes." "No dishes." "The place is spotless." "No, it wasn't where he went." "Oh, you'd been travelling." "I'd been travelling and I remember, I'd been held there for about an hour and a half, and then took the tube and came up on Leicester Square and went into the Comedy Store." "And I thought at that time that, you know, you guys had the same version of the newspapers as we had, so" "I assumed that Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley was on the front of the Sun." "I just remember people just looking at me going," ""What's he talking about?" "We really don't care."" "I grew up in rural Ireland and we had no telly until 4 o'clock in the afternoon as kids, it was just a blank screen, but we'd still sit in front of it, just waiting expectedly, like that." "There'd just be nothing on and then suddenly something would... it was brilliant." "'70s Ireland, when adverts were just cards, just slides." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, and the same bloke did all of the adverts, it was like," ""Robinsons' jam - get your Jam from Robinsons."" "Did it ever fall down and reveal him, and he'd put the card back up?" "And then there'd be another slide..." "Just imagine it's a man and a box on his head." "But he did all of them, so it'd be like," ""Robinsons' Jam, the best jam from Robinsons" and then another slide would come in would and be, "Duncan's diesel, the diesel that'll get you there."" "And then, "Dip your sheep in this." You know, it was hilarious." "I remember, when we finally got colour telly," "I was like, "Magic!" "It's magic!" Where was that?" "We lived for a time in a place called Ballypatrick, which was, I mean, small, properly small." "Our telephone number was five." "That's not a joke, it's absolutely true." "My dad's was six, yeah." "They were next door." "And they'd have to put you through." "Shut up, that is a joke." "That is a joke." "No, it's absolutely true." "Your telephone number was five?" "Ballypatrick five." "And at the time..." "But the..." "But my dad's from..." "That's different from the Birmingham Six." "You'd have to listen for the rings, it'd be six rings was their number, so you'd count." "You get to six and then it would ring again, it'd be next door, number seven." "Anyone could pick up in the whole village and listen to what was going on, so as soon as they phoned, you could hear hundreds of phones being picked up." "People..." "This is Ireland as well?" "Yeah, the old exchange and my mum would have to phone the post office to be put through." "We had a phone that had a wind-up handle on it." "I, yeah..." "Tell me more stories about Ireland." "Extraordinary." "And Mum would pick it up and go, "Hello, it's Julie Lyons here." ""Put me through to Ballypatrick four, please."" "And the lady at the other end would go..." "I like her voice." ""There's no point, Julie." "I've just seen her walking past the window."" "Of course, you lost your father, didn't you?" "So..." "I did, yeah." "That..." "What's amazing about you to me is that, a couple of years after your father was shot, you start a comedy club and you start doing stand-up comedy about it." "I tell you what was strange about it was there was so many people in Northern Ireland that died that weren't involved in anything, really, and my dad was..." "He was a building contractor, and he looked after - he employed both sides." "And in Belfast you had to pay your protection money, it was essentially a mafia, the city was carved up as a mafia." "And I didn't find this out until recently that my dad had actually decided to give evidence against these guys that were running a protection racket, and that was the reason." "And I did a gig for Dave, one-night stand in Belfast, and afterwards this woman came up to me and she said, "Very good show, blah, blah, blah."" "And I thought, "Great, how long am I going to have to talk to" ""this woman before I can get back to the bar?"" "And she said, "My husband knew your dad"." "And I said, "That's really nice."" "And she said, "Yeah, they were going to give evidence" ""in the same trial."" "And so a week later," "I ended up meeting this guy and" "I said, "No, no, my dad wasn't stupid." ""He wasn't going to give evidence in a trial."" "And he said, "No, no, he was." ""And we were the first people to give evidence in Northern Ireland" ""behind a screen and the trial collapsed."" "And I still didn't believe this guy, then he showed me, he still had this gun, a personal protection weapon, cos the trial had collapsed, and this was over 20 years later." "And..." "So, at the time, there were so many people, so many families who were in the same position that you didn't feel that, by going on stage, this is something unique that has happened to our family and so I'm going to go on," "I'm going to do stand up about it, you actually felt part of a club." "You felt that...it would have been much more difficult to get up on stage in Northern Ireland and try to do political satire if you hadn't been." "And I remember... we used to have, you know, guys come in all the time, off duty policemen and IRA people and all this, and a guy come up to me one night and he said, "We like those jokes, but we don't like those jokes." ""So a few more of those jokes, but not those jokes."" "I said, "OK." That's crystal clear." "I said, "What jokes are those jokes and what jokes are these jokes?"" ""You know, those jokes." ""Not those jokes, those jokes."" "And I said, "Well, what's going to happen if I...?"" "Was he a critic?" "LAUGHTER" "He was!" "He was in from Chortle..." "And..." "And he was basically telling me that, if I didn't change my material, that he was going to..." "You know." "Who knows what?" "Well, no, he very much told me there would be plastic kneecaps involved and I just - at that time " "I was, you know, my dad had died a few years beforehand," "I said, "Look..." I said, "Really?"" "I said, "Look, I'm an OK comedian," I said, "but" ""if you want to turn a shit comedian into a legend," I said, "Go ahead."" "That was probably one of the stupidest things" "I ever said in my life." "Well, you know, I used to have a dog called Fanny the Wonder Dog..." "Fanny the Wonder Dog." "Famous dog." "..who used to do marvellous impersonations of the Queen Mother and the Pope." "You'd dress Fanny up, wouldn't you?" "Not for the Queen Mother, you'd just lift her gums up." "That's all you had to do." "Anyway, she lived to a ripe old age and then she died, and when she died I thought I would get another dog that was" "Fanny reincarnated, so I searched all the rescue homes, finding this dog." "And eventually I found a lovely dog called Valerie... she's lovely." "And then one day I took her on stage and, unfortunately, she has no talent." "She..." "She's the..." "She's the Claire Sweeney of the dog world." "And...but she's been a lovely dog and I've had her 15 years now, and she's starting to get older, you know." "That's a long time for a dog." "She has kind of canine dementia, where she..." "Where they wander round and look at a wall." "Anyway..." "But then there's been another development recently." "I was looking out the window, I shouldn't laugh, but she was staggering around and her head was on one side, and her eyes are going like this." "And I took her to the vet and she's had a doggy stroke now, and it's just awful, you know." "Anyway, one of the things I do sometimes is" "I write for Woman's Weekly." "My career is going from strength-to-strength." "And you just write about whatever's going on in your life " "I quite like it - and so I wrote this tragic story of what's happened to Valerie and it really struck a note with the readers of" "Woman's Weekly, a lot of whom are elderly people on their own with a dog or..." "Dementia." "And there was a marvellous response." "I had a lot of letters." "They were all very touched by it and concerned about Valerie's demise." "Well, you see, between the writing of this article and the publication, something awful happened in that Valeria got better." "Trotting around, running round the park like a puppy, and I've become very concerned that some old bag that reads Woman's Weekly will see us." "And think you're a fraud." "And be outraged, so I've had to walk the dog in very quiet, secluded places, and that's why I've had to avoid the readers of Woman's Weekly." "Do you think...?" "When do you think you can come back into the open with Valerie?" "I was hoping she might get..." "That she might deteriorate." "Then it would be all right, wouldn't it?" "Yeah." "Two nuns sat on a bench in a park and..." "I've had a hard life." "I went to university." "Where did you go to university?" "Hull University." "Lived at home?" "No, I moved out, a mile away." "Did you?" "Yeah." "Yeah, and my mum, like, never forgave me for that." "Really?" "She wanted you to stay?" "But you've got to get out." "You wanted to share a flat with friends and that sort of thing." "Well, I mean, it was not even friends." "It was awful where I stayed." "The guy above me from was Middlesbrough and he was an insomniac, and he just walked around his bedroom all night." "Anyway..." "But..." "No, so I was lucky to get on that degree course." "It's a reputable University." "Yeah, well, they have to take somebody from Hull." "LAUGHTER" "Yeah." "Yes." "I wasn't prepared." "Did you not have the grades, then?" "No..." "I'm intelligent and everything, it was just" "I did a BTEC in performing arts and this was very academic, the course, so..." "And it, it's just, it's hard, you know, when you do drama, cos it's hard to be an actor, you know, so I ended up cleaning..." "Cos you're out of work a lot, you know, and so, yeah, I ended up cleaning at the same university." "But I got an NVQ, I did get, you know," "I got a skill but I couldn't do my buffering, so it's not actually a full NVQ." "Is that the big floor-cleaning machine?" "Yeah, I was too small for it." "You need a school for that?" "It used to take me with it." "Couldn't you have just...?" "Couldn't you have just ridden on top of it?" "Yeah, you could, yeah, but then you don't..." "Once it's fired up, is it not like a hovercraft?" "Is it not like it's on air?" "Yeah, it is...you know..." "I've seen them in action." "Like a Segway?" "Yeah." "You sort of lean forwards." "Yeah, but I could do everything else - the wet cloth, the dry cloth and your chemicals, you know." "You learn a lot." "But then...it was really early in the morning that I did that and I walked back home, and a crow landed on my head." "La..." "landed?" "It used me, like, as a stepping stone." "It was the most..." "I mean, it sounds ridiculous, but it's true and it was traumatic for me cos they're massive." "How long was it there?" "A glancing...?" "It just sort of..." "I thought it was trying to pick me up cos it was like, scrunching like that." "Did you feel like you were in one of those fairground machines?" "Yeah, I did, yeah." "Well, I knew it's done it to little dogs, crows pick little dogs up." "Obviously it didn't pick me up, and then it just bounced off and I just felt, I felt..." "I just felt worthless." "I felt like it did it to embarrass me, sort of thing." "You know, and I thought, and..." "Like, "I could have had you."" "Yeah." "Did the crow know that you couldn't handle the buffer?" "Is this related to the NVQ?" "It was all sort of around that time, yeah, things like that was happening, like a bit of mushroom fell out of my sleeve, and I hadn't been cooking with mushrooms for ages." "So it had grown up there, somehow." "But what..." "I didn't know where it had come from." "You didn't have a patch under the armpit, did you?" "It wasn't like it was...?" "I don't know but the point of it is, it was, you know, a few weeks, things happening to me where I thought," ""Right, I've got to do something." You were mistaken for carry-on." "I went swimming, this was literally a week later," "I went swimming and I paid my money to the woman and there was nobody else in the swimming pool, and I'd just got in and there was people watching and a pistol went off, and it was an under 12's swimming gala." "How did you get on?" "I came third." "You got bronze." "I find tragic..." "Tragic comedy is the best." "It is, mate, it's the absolute..." "Somebody doesn't realise they are sitting on a goldmine, and this lad came out and I will never..." "On the darkest day, when you miss a bus and the back wheel splashes a puddle on you, this lad comes to mind and just... fills me with joy." "And he comes out, he was really gangly, he walks out and he goes," ""Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Good evening." ""Me and my wife, me and my wife went shopping for a bed." ""We went shopping for a bed, we went shopping for a bed and..."" "And then, he comes out with the finest... the finest punchline I've ever heard of a non..." "You know what I mean?" "And he goes..." ""I do apologise, ladies and gentlemen..." ""I appear to have forgotten the punchline..." ""..but nevertheless I shall endeavour to finish the gag."" "And he tells this story about shopping for beds, and he takes us through his afternoon with his wife, but he doesn't know how to finish it, because he can't remember, so he keeps going," ""It was 20% off on APR."" "So you used to be a pathological liar?" "Yes, I spent a really long time feeling very ashamed of how" "I behaved as a child and a teenager, and I've recently decided you have to be OK with the fact that you've done things that now..." "But I now actually think it's probably connected to being a comedian now." "I make stuff up and pretend it happened to me, and I get paid for it." "And it's exactly the same thing, the same part of my brain, you tell me a story, the next time I tell it, I pretend it happened to me." "So when you say a line, you're inventing tales that never happened to impress people." "Yes, but also I think I believed them." "So at school," "I really think I thought" "I was a brilliant liar because when you're a liar, nobody tells you they don't believe you." "What they do is they bring up someone else and go, "Come on," ""guess who's Sara's singing teacher?" "Mariah Carey." ""Tell her, Sara."" ""Yeah, so Mariah Carey came round..." And I just..." "I thought" "I was so good at lying that nobody realised, and I now look back and, of course, everybody knew." "If everybody fancied someone," "I would say I'd got off with them" " I didn't kiss anyone until I was 16." "And I would do things like I would do quizzes in magazines about losing my virginity, and I would leave it around for people to read." "I was such a..." "I spent a really long time feeling ashamed of myself." "You're more of a fantasist." "That's it." "And I believed myself, I believed I had this really exciting life, that stuff happened." "You're nodding." "Did you do this as well?" "No." "No." "You were nodding like, "Yeah..."" "I was nodding in a "trying to be nice and supportive" way." "Yeah." "My friend Darren at school, yeah, he's lied about everything, and he told me that his birthday party that was coming up was fancy dress and that it was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I was like, "I haven't got an outfit like that." ""I've got a Superman outfit."" "He went, "Yeah, wear that," and then obviously I was the only one." "So everyone else is just dressed normally, I was dressed as Superman, and people were, like, flicking my cape and running away." "And then he gets a new breath of life and he goes..." ""Two nuns, two nuns, two nuns," ""sat on a bench in the park," ""two nuns sat on a bench in the park and..."" "This is what you heard on the mic, he went..." "HE WHEEZES" "I was sat at the back of the room, fucking laughing, just laughing out loud, rolling around on the floor, going," ""This is the best comedy creation I have ever, ever seen."" "He attempts three gags with no punchline, just three stories that go on for ages, with just me laughing at the back of the club, and I'm going, "This man's a..." "I'm, I'm, I'm..." ""You're doing it all wrong."" "Well, I go in the dressing room and I go, "Please tell me that was on purpose."" "And he turned round, he was fucking crying." "I went, "Please tell me that was on purpose," and he went, "No!"" "The kid living next door to me was a fantasist." "No, he wasn't, he was a liar." "He would say, you know, I'm talking about Primary School age, and I remember some RAF jets went over one day, quite exciting." "I don't know why they were flying over Essex, maybe they were going to North Weald, but I'm sure that was Spitfires." "Anyway..." "They have to do a touchdown, I think, somewhere in North Essex." "Do they?" "Yeah." "Like Tiptree or something." "It was quite exciting." "Do they, Sara?" "In Sara's garden they do." "They do, it was my garden." "It was my garden." "Landing on your helipad, are they?" "He shouted out, "That's my uncle." ""That's my uncle." You know, that sort of a line." "That's the kind of thing I would do." "I've just remembered - this is horrible." "I was 14, I had to start a new school and I told..." "I became best friends with this girl and I was really intimidated that she was rich and I was poor, so I told her I had a horse and then she believed me." "And I'd seen a horse in a field and I thought, I'll just take her to it and say, "This is my horse," and stroke it." "And..." "She couldn't come with me without her parents, so we all walked through Hainault Country Park with me going," ""Just around the corner, guys." And until I could get to a field where I thought this horse was going to be, and it wasn't, so then I had to pretend it had been stolen." "And went back to their house and like, fake phone calls to my mum and the horse police." "And I look back now and go, "Oh, obviously they knew I was lying."" "But at the time I was like, "I think I got away with that."" "This is this childlike?" "It really is childlike." "If you'd gone round the corner and there's just a farmer shooting it." ""That's my one."" ""That's my, ah..." ""Didn't want it, anyway."" "Tell us about, "My mother-in-law..."" "My mother-in-law, went to the doctor's and was asked on a Friday to come in on Monday with a urine sample, and spent the weekend filling a two-litre..." "..TK Lemonade bottle, which she brought in on the bus to the hospital on Monday morning." "Got into the doctor's office, threw it up on the counter and said, "Is that enough?"" "I heard quite clearly, "Armed police, step into the light."" "And there's two armed police like this on me." "Let's recreate it cos I've got..." "I've probably talked about this on this show before, but you know I've got a tank." "Do you know about this?" "Yeah, of course." "A hot water tank?" "It's more of an armoured personnel carrier." "It's an armoured personnel carrier." "I..." "So I've got this tank." "I really want to come to your place." "It's going to happen now." "Well, we could recreate, you know in the first season of Walking Dead?" "Where they all come and he's in the tank...?" "And Rick's in the tank." "You get in the tank and I'll get a load of ramblers." "I'll go, "Ball's in there."" ""That changes everything."" "Do you know?" "I don't know this show." "You've never seen Walking Dead?" "Is it a zombie show?" "Have you seen Aspects Of Love, though?" "Of course." "Oh, let's do that." "Let's do Aspects Of Love with zombies." "With zombies." "Oh, that would be incredible, wouldn't it?" "Oh, I'd love that." "It is a zombie show, then?" "It's brilliant, it's awesome." "HE GROANS" "HE MOANS" "And the jaw falls off." "This is exactly what I was hoping for, this evening." "I can imagine." "When were you stopped from doing your act by armed police?" "Oh, well, this was a long time ago, late-'90s, when I was a very, very new comic, in Stockwell, before we knew that armed police in Stockwell are a little bit" "trigger-happy, and..." "Yeah, sorry." "It was a gig, a very new act, there were a few of us who would go along and we'd all be doing sort of five minutes, and it was a really tough pub, and we're all watching..." "I think Chelsea were playing in the European Championship or something, so we were all sitting in this bar watching a European Championships match going on." "Then people are going, "Shall we start the gig?" ""We'll go through and start the gig." So people, in dribs and drabs, comics are going through to this back room and I went into the back, and I thought, "Oh, I should go through" ""and see if it's started yet." It was all just very casual." "I go into the back room, open the doors and it's empty, completely empty." "There's no-one in there and there's some back doors open and a light, and I heard a sort of muffled "Police, step into the light," thing." "And I thought," ""Are they arresting someone beside the pub?"" "I went out again and then I thought, "Oh, no, I'll go back." ""Was that for me?" I opened the doors and then I heard quite clearly," ""Armed Police, step into the light."" "And there's two armed police like this on me, and they drop their weapons immediately and I have this problem about..." "I don't process the reality of the situation." "For example, I don't get perspective on it properly." "So my first words were," ""Erm..." "I'm meant to be doing a gig here."" "Literally, I have this the whole time..." "All about me." "Yeah!" "It was." ""Sorry to interrupt your day, but I'm doing a gig."" ""I haven't seen started yet and you're pointing guns at me."" "But it was, and they said, "Over here."" "It was basically a case, a guy had been seen, there had been a bit of problem between two guys in this pub and somebody thought they'd seen the guy going in with a gun." "But they said," ""Yeah, if you get over there, mate, and go behind this..."" "Mate?" "I'm doing the lingo of policemen." ""Go behind that block of flats there, and just get over there."" "The other one went, "Yeah." "Leg it, mate, if I were you."" ""Yeah, go behind that block of flats and fuck off."" "No, but I literally..." "And I, in my head, went," "I didn't really want to leg it cos I've got a funny run." "I know that's pathetic." "I literally was at the thing going," ""I don't like..." "I've got a dodgy knee" ""and I just run funny, apparently."" "But behind every sort of tree and everything was an armed policeman." "There were masses of armed police converging and me going..." "Me running along, going," ""Oh, don't tell anyone about the run." Like Morecambe and Wise." "I got round the corner and there was all these other comics who'd all been moved out the same way, going, "Wahey!"" "Then it was exciting cos some people came out who thought," ""What are the police doing here?" And nearly had a riot." "It was fascinating." "Did they ever catch the gunman?" "No, it was a mistaken identity." "He'd walked in with something that looked - they thought he had a gun, he didn't have a gun." "He had a microphone or something." "He had a microphone." "He was..." "I tell you what I've got, I've got a Land Rover Defender that I've had done up, so it's like, it looks like the sort of thing, if there's a zombie apocalypse..." "Essentially, that's what I'm preparing for." "Everyone's got to do that." "So I've got this Land Rover Defender, and it's got this big body kit and a big industrial front on it." "They're horrible." "They're like bloke's cars." "No woman would go in that car ever - that must be why you've got it - because they're so uncomfortable." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I don't want my wife or two daughters to..." "I bet your wife's not saying," ""Oh, my goodness, let's go down to Tesco in the Defender."" "No, no." "I'll tell you what, it was..." "Actually, it's my car now, but I convinced - she was the one that originally went," ""Let's get the Defender," but then it doesn't fit in any multistorey car parks, so we had to buy a smaller car that would fit." "But the point is, I've brought it up to London and I've booked into this rather posh hotel and parked the zombie-mobile outside, right." "I was in the hotel room and then there's a phone call," ""Hello there, it's the concierge here, Mr Noble." ""We have a SWAT team downstairs." Yeah, now, I realise it looks like the sort of thing for the apocalypse, but I didn't realise it would be taken quite that seriously." "So it's got a future-military look about it." "And so I get on the phone and this guy goes," ""This is officer such and such." ""We've had a report that your vehicle" ""has got a cache of weapons in the back."" "And I went, "Right." "Hang on, don't blow it up, I'll be down."" "So I put the phone down and I come downstairs, and I walk out, and I'm not exaggerating, there's a vehicle there and there are police with machine guns, and they're surrounding the car and I go, "Whoa!" ""Let me just..."" "Tell you a joke." "Yes, exactly." "Yes." "Luckily, I don't have a terrorist vibe about me and I was able to save..." "I don't know about that." "Get off my land." "Yeah." "So I open the back of the car up, right, and the thing that I was under suspicion for was because myself and my female family were off to Wales, all our welly boots were lined up in the back of the car," "and because the way they were lined up, they sort of looked a bit like guns." "And the little one, the one-year-old, she's got little ones, so they look like pistols, all lined up." "I opened the back up and I was very nearly shot for having welly boots." "Someone had seen them and just gone into a panic?" "A member of the public?" "A member of the public, tinted windows, clearly looking in to see what it was, and then saw them all lined up." "To be fair, they could have been Wellington bombers." "That's true." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Boom!" "That's it." "We..." "It takes me a moment to realise the seriousness of the situation and I did this, the July 7th bombings in 2005." "Do you remember, two weeks later, the guys who tried to blow themselves up and it didn't work?" "And I got evacuated at Oxford Circus cos this guy had tried to blow himself up at Warren Street." "I'm in the tube station and I don't know if anyone's been in the tube when they evacuate it - it's frightening - especially two weeks after a bomb had gone off and the terrible bombings." "And this thing's going, "Evacuate the station, evacuate the station," ""evacuate the station, evacuate the station."" "And there's a guard..." "There's an employee of London Underground by the stairs, going, "Everybody out this way, get out."" "And I went, "Are you just shutting Oxford Circus, or is it...?"" "And he went, "Get the fuck out!"" "So I do, I have a..." "I have a..." "So I can't sleep sitting up, I just can't do it." "What, you never have?" "I just can't, no." "I was doing gigs in Australia and I didn't sleep at all on the way over because I was sat up, and I had a bit of a torrid time." "So on the way back, I went into this pharmacist in Sydney and I said, "I'd like some sleeping tablets," and he went, "I can sort you out with some nice herbal things." I said, "No..."" ""No, no, drugs."" ""I've got a 25-hour flight to Heathrow" ""and I cannot sleep sitting up."" "He was like, "I'll sort you out with some pretty strong stuff," ""don't worry about it." But I can't sleep sitting up, so I took the sleeping tablets and..." "HE GROANS" "..but I wasn't asleep." "But it meant I couldn't watch any films, I couldn't read any books because I was so..." "So I was just..." "Lying there in your own piss." "I was trying to watch, like, Jumanji or something." "I was like..." "HE GROANS I couldn't follow it and..." "It was awful, it was horrendous." "I can sleep anywhere, it's an absolute gift." "Can you?" "Absolute gift." "Really?" "Just...you don't even need the lights out?" "When I was working an office job," "I used to go in, I could sleep in the toilet." "That's just standard, that's just..." "Everyone can do that." "Do you put the lid down and sit on it?" "Oh, I just...whatever..." "I just go in." "Did you go down on the floor in the toilet, or sit on the loo and...?" "I'd use the toilet roll bit as a pillow and sort of go like that, and we had a biscuit cupboard - the only room we could lock" " I'd sleep in there." "And a shower, I was in interiors." "Sometimes I'd go in the shower and I could just find if I leaned in a certain way" "I could sleep in a shower." "It's a real gift." "A real gift." "I was in New Zealand last year and the flight was terribly delayed." "I'd been on the plane for like over 36 hours and I'd gone a bit mad, so I thought, "Right, time for evasive action."" "So what I did was..." "I was in the middle of these two guys, as well, I got the seat out and I tried to sleep like this." "If you can't sleep sitting up, why would you think," ""I can't sleep sitting up." ""Maybe if I put all of my weight on my face," ""I'll just close my brain down"?" "And I had the blanket over me, but it looked like I was going to bomb the plane." "I'll just do this and then our professional obligations are complete." ""Our professional obligations are complete"" "is another great name for a show." "Also that would be an awesome thing to finish having sex with, wouldn't it?" "It would be great if a prostitute used that as her finishing line." ""My professional obligations are complete."" ""Pass me a baby wipe." AUDIENCE GROANS" "Awesome." "Awesome." "Open the door and there's a bidet." "What is the best thing anyone's ever said at the...?" "Climax." "Yeah." "Level complete." "I used to go out with a girl from America, and when we were in the process of all that jazz and she sensed that I was in the final moments, she used to say," ""Go on, Tommy, you're in the home stretch now, boy."" "AUDIENCE LAUGHS" "I just climb up the cupboard and then say, "Here I come."" "Now, listen, we need to come up with a title for the programme." "Is it an extra bit?" "What it would be, it would be all the unused bits that they liked that they didn't put into all the other shows of the series, like a best-bits-that-we- didn't-show-type show." "Yeah." "Compilation of what would have been wasted." "Like when they make Chicken McNuggets..." "Hot dogs." "Bits of chicken that you don't want to eat." "The lips and arseholes of the series." "Basically..." "We should call this, then, Alan Davies Reconstituted." "I think we should sort of call it The Lips And Arseholes." "The Lips And Arseholes Of Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE" "That's a must..." "That's a must-see." "I'd Sky Plus that series." "I think you would series-link that." "That's one of the shortest discussions we've ever had about a title on this show but I'm very pleased with it." "Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank my guests " "Lucy Beaumont, Jonathan Ross," "Germaine Greer and Tom Wrigglesworth." "Felicity Ward, Lizzie Roper, Ben Miller, Patrick Kielty," "Holly Walsh, Jimmy Carr, Seann Walsh and Tommy Tiernan." "Rob Delaney, Ardal O'Hanlon, Roisin Conaty and Elis James." "Nish Kumar, James Brown, David Baddiel and Sharon Horgan." "Angela Barnes, Michael Ball, Ross Noble, Janet Street-Porter," "Shappi Khorsandi, Jack Dee," "Matthew Crosby, Julian Clary, Hal Cruttenden, Zoe Lyons." "Stephen Mangan, Sarah Millican, Jo Brand, James Acaster," "Ricky Tomlinson, Sara Pascoe, Grace Dent, David O'Doherty," "Johnny Vegas, Sean Kelly." "Ladies and gentlemen, you have been watching" "The Lips And Arseholes Of Alan Davies." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"