"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "♪ Good..." "♪ Good morning, USA" "(classical music playing)" "(hits sour note)" "(groans)" "Sloppy fingering!" "Do it again and this time make me feel it." "_" "Hey, Toshi, my mom's taking me to get ice cream." "Want to come with?" "Hi, Akiko." "Absolutely not!" "They're in music lessons." "One of the many extra curricular activities that will ensure their entry into a top university." "They have no time for treats, or games, or bathroom breaks." "(turns vacuum on)" "Oh, come on, Hiko." "Let 'em have some fun;" "college is years away." "That attitude is why my children will attend Harvard while Steve will be lucky to be wait-listed at an online, offshore college." "Oh, you whore." "Check it out." "This is my impression of Scott Caan holding a violin." "(giggles)" "(giggles, stops abruptly)" "Come on, Steve." "Let's go get some ice cream so you can enjoy life." "Are you trying to say my kids don't enjoy life?" "Show them fun!" "(playing classical music)" "Enough fun!" "(groans)" "And then she had the nerve to imply that my kid's not gonna get into a decent college!" "Bonjour, les Papas!" "Libby's still doing baby talk?" "Francine, she's speaking French." "We need her to be trilingual so she stands out from the other applicants." "For preschool?" "No, for college." "You gotta start early if your child is going to be exceptional." "It's the only way to get into the Ivies." "But don't worry, Francine." "Hayley turned out fine." "(laughing)" "You guys are both bitches!" "(door opens)" "Okay, we're tied at 200 games to 200 games." "The winner of this will be crowned badminton champion and receive the coveted shuttlecock ring." "(ding)" "Line judge, you ready?" "Ready." "We've got to find something you're good at so you can get into a decent college!" "Now what?" "We need a line judge." "(panting):" "I'll do it!" "(screams) Hey, how about Hayley?" "Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!" "Can't!" "I'm making a landing pad for when the aliens bring Jeff back." "Okay, sweetie." "I'm sure by now he's been dissected for science." "Or for fun." "(to himself):" "It's pretty fun." "So tell her she's wasting her time." "Wouldn't matter if I did." "She's clearly in the first of the five stages of grief." "Denial." "How do you know that stuff?" "Back in the late '60s, I was porking' this unattractive lady scientist, Elizabeth Kubler Ross." "I dumped her hard for no reason." "Out of nowhere." "It was awesome." "Six months later, she wrote a book about the grief it caused her." "(wry chuckle)" "Anyway, in order for Hayley to get over Jeff, she first has to go through denial, then anger, then bargaining, followed by depression, and finally acceptance." "And then she can be our line judge?" "Yeah." "But it could take years." "Well, we don't have years." "We'll just have to ram her through the stages as fast as we can." "Well, Hayley is pretty easy to manipulate." "I once convinced her to go to the hospital by putting a piece of glass in her neck." "We need to find out what you excel at!" "(wobbly):" "You're ruining your own sweater!" "I'm Robby!" "(playing off-key)" "We found it." "We found it!" "All right!" "But... you're..." "Well, what do think?" "Will my super realistic Steve Smith masks get me into a good school?" "Hey, Mom, you want to help me shower?" "You are good at nothing." "But there's still minority quotas." "Your name is Tatonka." "Now I'm gonna jump online and buy you a book on dealing blackjack." "Aah, I can't remember our Amazon password." "The hint says, "Loose stool."" "Oh, right, diarrhea!" ""D"..." "um..." "Does anyone know how to spell "diarrhea"?" "Why would you pick that word?" "It's impossible to spell." "D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A." "Oh, my God, you're right!" "Hey, spell..." ""Carcinogenic."" "C-A-R-C-I-N-O-G-E-N-I-C." "Steve, you're a great speller!" "You can win the National Spelling Bee!" "That'll get you into a top college." "We should probably get this stuff off your face!" "We're down to our last two students," "Steve Smith and Marty Nipples." "That is some name." "Okay, Marty, you're up." "Spell the word, "Buh-log-na."" "Do you mean, "bologna"?" "Quit stalling', Nipples." "Uh..." "Time's up!" "Steve?" "B-O-L-O-G-N-A." "Winner!" "Congratulations, Steve." "You have a skill that computers have made obsolete." "You did it!" "Next stop:" "All City Finals!" "You were awesome up there, Steve." "I love watching you spell." "Speaking of spells, I think you just cast one on me." "(weird, cocky laugh)" "(giggles)" "My son's gonna win the National Spelling Bee." "Ha!" "That's impossible, because Akiko is going to win." "She's already won at her private school in Maryland." "And if Steve does make it to Nationals," "Akiko will be there to crush him." "No, Steve is gonna be the one who destroys Akiko." "Your skin is amazing;" "I can't tell how old you are." "Two households, both alike in dignity." "In fair Langley, where we lay our scene." "Shakespeare, bitches!" "(video game beeping)" "(shrieks)" "No more games!" "I talked a lot of smack to Akiko's mom." "You have to win that National Spelling Bee so that you can go to a top college, and I can rub it in that Kabuki whore's porcelain face." "From now on, your whole life is words." "Hey!" "That's how you spell that?" "Hayley, I need you to understand Jeff's not coming back." "(whispers):" "Never." "He's trapped in a cage thousands of light-years away." "(whispers):" "So far." "It's hopeless." "We'll never know what happened to him." "(whispers):" "Space rape." "He'll come back." "Okay, we're not gonna be able to pull her out of denial, so we're gonna have to push her right into anger." "Ya!" "Ah!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Front wedgie!" "(screams)" "What the hell?" "!" "I will kill you!" "(grunting)" "We did it!" "(groans)" "(contented sigh)" "AKIKO:" "Trouble sleeping?" "(shrieks)" "Akiko!" "Oh, you scared me!" "But in a manly way." "You came here to get away from everything, too, huh?" "Yeah." "Spelling can't find us here." "That's so poetic." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Ugh, my mom's driving me crazy." "Mine, too." "But it's nice to have someone who understands what you're going through." "(moaning passionately)" "♪" "Well, I should go." "If my mother finds out I'm gone, she'll put me on lockdown." "Aren't you coming?" "Yeah, I'll catch up." "I'm just gonna sit here a bit 'cause I'm so comfortable." "Just gonna sit here awhile until my comfortability goes down." "MODERATOR:" "Steve, your word is "Montage."" "MODERATOR 2:" "Akiko, spell "Montage."" "M-O-N-T-A-G-E." "M-O-N-T-A-G-E." "Montage." "Montage." "♪ A-B-C" "♪ Easy as one, two, three..." "♪ Simple as do, re, mi, A-B-C" "♪ One, two, three, baby, you and me girl ♪" "♪ A-B-C ♪" "♪ Easy as one, two, three" "♪ Simple as do, re, mi." "I can't wait to see you tomorrow night at Nationals." "We don't have to wait." "I slipped my mother a Tylenol PM." "Let's meet at the Falls in an hour." "FRANCINE:" "Who you talking to?" "!" "Uh, Snot!" "Yeah?" "Then what's this?" "Aah, all right, ow!" "It was Akiko!" "Did you ever think this girl's just toying with your emotions to distract you from your spelling?" "!" "She would never do that." "Her whore mother would!" "Steve, if Akiko beats you tomorrow, you'll never get into a good college." "I forbid you to see that girl again!" "If you won't let me be with Akiko, then I won't even go to the stupid spelling bee!" "(crying)" "What am I doing?" "I've completely lost sight of what's important, and that's your happiness." "Steve, of course you can go see Akiko." "Rea-Really?" "Sure." "Go have a great time at the Falls, honey." "I-I'm just gonna sit here for a minute." "Think of grandma in the shower." "Thanks, Mom!" "Okay, now we have to get Hayley from anger into the next stage:" "bargaining." "What's that?" "I don't know-- that's why we're gonna skip that one and go right on to depression." "Hayley!" "What?" "!" "We have a little presentation for you." "(ukulele intro to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays)" "ROGER:" "♪ Oooh... ♪ Somewhere" "♪ Over the rainbow" "♪ Way up high" "♪ There's a land" "♪ That I heard of" "♪ Once in a lullaby." "(sobbing)" "Depression!" "Akiko?" "Nooooo!" "What's the matter, honey?" "Akiko blew me off." "She said she had to..." ""rethink" her priorities." "And that I'm not "worth her time."" "Oh, Steve, that's so crappy of her." "Oh, what am I gonna do?" "Well, you have two options:" "You can fall apart like a bitch-punk in the street, or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing." "You think?" "Yeah." "Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any." "Excuse me, Mother." "I've got some spelling to do!" "Let me out of here!" "Not until after the spelling bee tomorrow." "My boy's going to a good college and nobody's getting in his way." "I'm not in his way!" "I love being with Steve!" "Not according to this note you wrote." "(laughs maniacally)" "All right, honey." "Today's the day." "You win this and you'll get into any college you want." "And I'm gonna destroy the girl who destroyed me." "R-E-V-E-N-G-E!" "Revenge, Mother." "I spelled revenge." "If you say so." "I didn't hear a "J."" "Now go sit in the car;" "I'll be right out." "Let me out of here!" "I'll let you out when Steve's a national champion." "Here's a Nintendo to keep you busy." "My mother says video games are bad for you." "Yeah, well, so is smoking an eight ball of crack in 30 minutes, but that's how long it takes." "I've got half the Yakuza looking for your sister." "In the meantime, take the bloodhounds and search the city." "What?" "Why do you only speak Japanese?" "I don't even speak Japanese." "Just go-- go find your sister." "(phone rings)" "Talk to me." "This is your cousin, Nobu Malibu." "I have a lock on Akiko's location." "She registered her name on a Nintendo Wii system." "Give me the address." "(crying)" "(excited):" "Ninja!" "(gasps, scared):" "Ninja!" "(video game music playing)" "(music stops)" "Mother?" "Scoot back, we have 20 minutes to get you to Nationals." "(scatting a jazz melody)" "(holding a high note)" "ANNOUNCER: ...and representing Kentucky, Brigid Hendricks." "(audience applauding)" "From Virginia, Steven Anita Smith." "(applause)" "And from Maryland, Akiko Yoshida." "(people murmuring in confusion)" "Akiko Yoshida." "Miss Yoshida, going once... going twice... and..." "Hyoooo..." "Hyo sheeee..." "Look who decided to show up." "It's not what you think-- your mother" "Your mother!" "Steve, let me explain" "Your mother!" "I don't want to hear your lame excuses!" "I don't want to look at your stupid face!" "(gasps) Fine." "Forget it, jerk." "I'm taking you down." "I'm already down." "You don't give me comfortability problems anymore." "ANNOUNCER:" "Quiet, please." "Billy Hemphall, your word is..." "(laughing)" "This is a fight to the death." "There's no way you can beat me." "I'm Asian." "This is my culture." "Oh, Francine, are we late for our grandson's spelling bee?" "No, Mah Mah, it's right through there." "Wait, you're Chinese?" "Hyooooooo!" "(both grunt)" "I got ninja-darted in the neck, and while I was in the void between this world and the next, an overwhelming realization washed over me that Jeff... is gone." "And I accept that now." "Great!" "I also accept that you two jerks are the reason he was abducted in the first place." "And now, I'm taking your shuttlecock." "She'll be back." "Roger..." "I think you're in denial." "No, I'm not." "I hate you!" "I've always hated you!" "If she brings back the shuttlecock," "I'll feed the needy, I swear." "Oh, God, I don't think I can face this." "I don't want to be around people." "You know what?" "It is what it is." "Roger, you just went through the five stages of grief!" "But my species has six stages." "(groaning):" "Was that the sixth stage?" "Nope." "Francine!" "Quit playing around with your friend." "It's down to two kids, and one of them is Steve." "Is the other one a Japanese girl?" "(deeply):" "Oh, yeah." "Bah Bah!" "I answered the question." "ANNOUNCER:" "Your word is... "chrysanthemum."" "Chrysanthemum." "C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-T-H-I-M-U-M." "Chrysanthemum." "That is... incorrect." "ANNOUNCER:" "Steve, if you get this next word right, you win." "You've disgraced yourself and your family!" "You didn't work hard enough!" "When I think back to all the times" "I was too lenient with you." "The time I let you pet that dog!" "Well, those luxuries are over!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Steve, your word is "diarrhea."" "Steve has diarrhea." "Steve has diarrhea!" "Diarrhea." "D-I-A-R..." "Y-O-F-A-M-A-D-B-L-A-C-K- W-O-M-A-N." "Incorrect." "The word was "diarrhea."" "You spelled "Diary of a Mad Black Woman."" "Akiko, you are still in the competition." "What are you doing?" "!" "I know you know that word!" "Akiko needs this more than I do." "Her mom will hate her if she loses." "But you, you love me no matter what." "Sure I was hurt by Akiko's note, but her crazy, overbearing mother drove her to it." "You are..." "such a good kid, Steve." "And you know what?" "I would rather have a son who's a great person than a son who goes to a great school." "I wrote the note and kidnapped Akiko." "You what?" "!" "I put her in a cage." "Mom, how could you?" "!" "I was so mean to her." "I treated her like all Persian men treat all Persian women!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Your word is... "sacrifice."" "Sacrifice." "S-A-C-R-I..." "K-I-S-S." "Okay, you spelled, "sacrikiss"" "while gazing into that boy's eyes." "What are you doing?" "I heard what you said to your mom." "You deserve to win." "Steve, spell..." ""medicine."" "Medicine." "M-E-D..." "E-A-S-F-A-M-I-L-Y- R-E-U-N-I-O-N." "Okay, that is obviously incorrect because you spelled "Medea's Family Reunion."" "ANNOUNCER:" "Okay Steve, the word was "dog,"" "and you spelled the entire" "Arrested Development song, "Mr. Wendell."" "So... on to Akiko." "Akiko, your word is "A."" "Seven." "Okay, that was a number." "It's becoming very clear to me that I won't be making my date tonight." "We recently started having sex, so that would've been fun." "We've got two really great kids here." "We sure do."