"What are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" "I'd rather not say." "I'm trying to open these cinnamon buns." " Why?" " I thought I'd try and do a little baking." "Ah." "You drunk?" " Little bit." " Mm." "[CHARLIE GRUNTS]" "Why is it childproof?" "Are kids OD'ing on this stuff?" "Have you considered reading the instructions?" "Ooh, listen to Mr. College Boy." ""To open, strike sharply on edge of counter."" " Really?" " Really." "All right, I'll play along." "[IN BRITISH ACCENT] I christen thee HMS Kitchen Table." "Godspeed." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] I think we got a bad bun tube." "Give me." "[ALAN SIGHS]" "Just gotta know how to whack it." "I bow to your superior expertise." " So how come you're all spiffed up?" " I've got a date." "Oh, two nights in a row." "So who's the glutton for punishment?" "At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women." " Wow, two women." " Yeah." "And yet you're still tooting your own horn." "You know what's fun?" "When you can talk them into tooting each other's horns." " I'm not seeing them at the same time." " Well, that makes it more difficult." "But not impossible." "You put the icing on after it comes out of the oven, right?" "Right." "Drizzle, don't squeeze." "Thus spake the whacker." "So, what prompted this break from serial monogamy?" "I just got tired of putting all my eggs in one basket." " The basket being a woman?" " Yes." "And the eggs being your bun tube?" "[SIGHS]" "No." "See, the thing is, when I'm just dating one woman at a time if she dumps me..." " When she dumps you." "[SIGHS]" "Either way, I have to start from scratch finding a new woman." "However, when I'm dating two women, if one of them dumps me..." "When one of them dumps you." "Either way, I'm not alone." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "You're saying that it's advantageous to date more than one woman at a time?" "Good lord, man, you're a genius." "Yeah, ha, ha." "We must tell other men." " Okay, maybe I'm a little late to the party." " A little late?" "The girl already jumped out of the cake and everybody's had a piece." "Well, late or not, I'm here." "When it comes to 40-year-old divorced moms in the San Fernando Valley, I'm quite the catch." " I'm not surprised." " You're not?" "Lights out at fat camp, a jellybean is steak tartare." "Hey, I'm..." "I'm single, employed, disease-free, well-read, cute as a bug and perfectly capable of pretending to like other people's children." "Impressive." "Did these broads know that you're dipping your chip in the salsa and the guacamole?" " What?" " You know." "Hitting two pinatas with one stick." "Topping off both tanks with the same hose." "Throwing your balls down two alleys." "Still don't get it?" "No, I got it, and, uh..." "And thank you, um, but, no, they don't know." "These are divorced moms trolling for a new schmuck to replace the old schmuck." "And you let them think that might be you?" "It's not like I have to lie." "Look at me, I scream schmuckdom." "They're rising." "It's a miracle." "Yes, the miracle of yeast." "I gotta go." "Go, my son." "Drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the valley." "You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie." "It's no big deal." "Those chefs on TV act like they're curing leprosy or something." "Can you make meatloaf?" "Does it come in a tube?" "No." "God, it comes on a plate." "Can I have some of that?" " Beer?" "No." " Why not?" "Because when you're 14, you don't ask your uncle for beer." "Who do I ask?" "I don't know." "Uh, try hanging outside a liquor store and look for a guy wearing house slippers and talking to himself." "What's his name?" "You can't have any beer, Jake." "Man, I thought you were cool." "I am." "And you know what makes me cool?" "The fact that your opinion means less than squat to me." "How old were you when you had your first beer?" "Thirteen..." "Two." "Thirty-two." " Yeah, right." " Listen, we're talking about you." " What about me?" " Well, it's like this." "Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells." "Yeah, so?" "I rest my case." "What case?" "[WHISTLING]" "Morning, buddy." "How do you like your eggs?" "In an Easter basket." "Scrambled it is." " Morning." " Morning." " What you doing?" " Cooking breakfast." " How do you like your eggs?" " Sunny side up." "Scrambled it is." ""Cooking for Dummies"?" "No offense, Jake." "I'm actually cooking for everybody." "What brought this on?" "I don't know." "I thought I'd expand my horizons a bit." "Uh-huh." " What?" " I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs are gonna get you laid." " You and me both." " Ha." "[PHONE RINGING]" "I got it." "Hello?" "Oh." "Oh, hi, Stephanie." "Yeah, yeah, I, uh..." "I had a great time too." "Yes, it was special." "Uh, I don't usually do that on a first date either." "[CHUCKLES]" "Thank you for letting me do that, by the way." " Uh, uh, tonight?" "Uh, oh, gee." "Uh..." "CHARLIE:" "Hey, Alan." " How do you like your eggs?" " Uh, uh, one sec." "[WHISPERS] Um, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I made a date with Katie." "Scrambled it is." "Um..." "Uh, uh, the thing is, uh, I already made plans uh, with my, uh, you know, son, who I love dearly." " What are we doing?" " [WHISPERS] Nothing." "Go away." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, oh, what are we doing?" "Uh, uh, well, he and I have this, uh, this father-son thing uh, where, once a week, we, uh..." " Rent go-karts." " Rent go-karts, and, uh..." "And, uh..." " Eat pizza." " And eat pizza." "And, uh..." "And..." " And drink beer." " And drink..." "Go away." "Uh, and drink, uh, a lot of water which the body needs to, uh, to stay healthy." "Um, anyway, we're on for Saturday, right?" "Oh, okay." "Uh, uh, great, great." "Good." "I'll see you then." "Okay, bye." " We're not going go-karting, are we?" " No." "You're using me for your own purposes, aren't you?" "Here's $20." "Hey, Alan, taste these." "[SNIFFS]" "Why does it smell like bourbon?" "The book said, "Season to taste."" "Just kidding, I spilled." "No, thank you." "Suit yourself." "CHARLIE:" "Hmm." "A little too much egg." "Jake, let's go." "I told your mother I'd have you back by 7." "Hey, Alan, Alan, Alan." "Would you taste my hollandaise sauce?" " You made hollandaise sauce?" " You tell me." "You did not make hollandaise sauce." "Damn you, eggs Benedict." "Charlie, why are you doing this?" " Doing what?" " In the six years I have been here the only time I've seen you turn on the stove was to light a cigar." "Yeah, well, people grow, people change." "People get drunk while watching the Food Network." "Jake, let's go!" "Uh, I may not be back till late." "Uh, I'm planning on giving my rose to Bachelorette Number 2." "[CHUCKLES]" "Wow." "Only you could gay up banging two women." "Says the man in the apron with the curdled hollandaise sauce." "So you admit it is hollandaise sauce." "Drop me off at Gabe's house so we can study." " Oh, you're really gonna study?" " Sure." "Great." "See that?" "He respects me enough to lie to me." "Hey, Alan, speaking of lies." "At some point, one of these broads is gonna ask you a question for which you will have no answer." " Like what?" " It could be as simple as:" ""What did you do last night?"" "Or as tricky as, "Why is there a pasty stuck to your testicles?"" "The point is, you need to be careful." "You're gonna teach me to lie to women?" "Well, do you know enough to pull the pasty off and say, "Happy anniversary"?" "I do now." "You need to remember:" "Always answer a question with another question." " What do you mean?" " Exactly." " What?" " Great, you're all set." " Drunk again?" " Yep." "Well, uh, thank you." " Uh, I appreciate the advice." " I've got more." "Uh, Charlie, please don't take this the wrong way but if a semi-functioning wino such as yourself can date several women at the same time, I'm quite certain I can handle two." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Why would I take that the wrong way?" "Ugh." "Tastes like stale ass." "Mm." "Oh." "Is it just me, or does this thing we have feel really, really comfortable?" " Oh, yeah." " Ha, ha." "I mean, you know, maybe not pet-names-for-our-pee-parts comfortable but, uh, we're certainly getting there." "[ALAN CHUCKLES]" "Oh, hey, next week, my ex is taking my daughter to see his parents so you and I can spend the whole weekend in bed." "[ALAN CHUCKLES]" "That sounds great." "I'll leave myself alone till then." "[KATIE CHUCKLES]" "[BOTH MO ANING]" "Oh, oh, oh." "Wait, wait." "Uh..." "Uh, uh, next weekend?" "Ahh, uh, you know, ah, I'll have to check..." "[STAMMERS] ...but I think Saturday is, uh a working Saturday for me." "Oh, no, really?" "Yeah, yeah." "It's unfortunate, but in today's economic climate uh, Saturday is no longer the Sabbath for anybody, except religious Jewish people." "You know, the guys with the beards and the hats." "Uh, did you see Yentl?" "I love that movie." "That's one I wouldn't mind owning." "Alan, are you seeing another woman?" "Charlie, are you seeing another woman?" "Why would you ask me that?" "I just need to know I can trust you." "Yeah, well, trust is a two-way street." " I know." " Do you?" "Because without trust, all we have is sex." "Well, you can trust me, Charlie." "God, I hope so." "I've been hurt before." "Aw." "Well, I won't hurt you." "I promise." "Okay, then." "[SCOFFING]" " Another woman?" " Yeah." "Well, uh..." "Oh, you think I'm involved with another woman?" "Heh." " Yeah." "You actually think I'm seeing someone else at the same time I'm seeing you?" " Yeah." "How did you know?" "[PHONE RINGING]" "Uh, do you need to get that?" " Are you crazy?" " Mm." "Ha." "CHARLIE [ON MACHINE]:" "Hey, it's Charlie." "Do your thing when you hear the beep." "[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]" "JAKE [ON MACHINE]:" "Hey, Uncle Charlie, it's me, Jakey." "I'm drunk." "How are you?" "[CHARLIE SIGHS]" "Are you with a girl?" "Does she have big ones?" "Jake, where are you?" "[SIGHS]" "What mall?" "They all have pretzel stands, you doofus." "Okay, you stay right where you are, and I'll come get you." "We'll talk about that later." "[WHISPERS] They're big enough." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] I love you too, buddy." "Yeah, we have shared some good memories." "[SIGHS]" "Okay, I'm hanging up now." "Do you have to go?" "No, we got time." "What the heck took you so long?" "Believe me, I came as quickly as I could." "What the hell is that?" " Soft pretzel." "You want some?" " No, thanks." "It's got jalapenos." "You're gonna regret that." " What do you mean?" " You'll see." "Where'd you get the booze?" "I did what you told me to do." "Me and Gabe gave money to a creepy guy to buy us beer." "Oh, Jake." "His name was Satellite Jack." "He said the government stole his kidneys." "Is $20 too much for a six-pack?" "Not when a guy with no kidneys named Satellite Jack is buying it for you." "Where'd you get the $20?" " It was a bribe from my father." " You're kidding." "I know." "For a cheap guy, he can be surprisingly generous." "That's true." "Deep down, I love him." "And I love you too." "Great, great." "Everybody loves everybody." "So where's your friend?" "Gabe?" "He ditched me when I started throwing up." "The bat rastard." " Get out of the car." " What?" "I just had it detailed." "Get out, get out." "All right, but I'm telling you, I'm all done throwing up." "[JAKE RETCHES]" "Ugh, I see what you mean about those jalapenos." "My mom still thinks I'm studying at Gabe's house so I don't think I should go home at this time." "Well, what do you expect to do?" "I don't know." "You up for an R-rated movie?" "Boobies, no violence." "Uh-oh." "Step away from the car." " Nope, false alarm." " Wait for it." "Wait for what?" "[JAKE RETCHES]" "Oh, how about that?" " You get any on your shoes?" " A little." "There's a plastic bag in the trunk." "Remove your shoes and place them in the bag then seal it and put it back in the trunk." "Okay." "Then climb in after it." "Okay." " Alan." " Surprise." "Ha, ha." "I thought you were with your son, go-karting." "Yeah, uh, listen, um I lied about that." "But, you know, I can't lie anymore." "I was with another woman, but all I could think about was you." "I'm a one-woman man, and, baby, you're that woman." "MAN:" "Who is it, honey?" " Just a salesman." "[WHISPERS] Go away." " Are you seeing someone else?" " Get lost." "[STAMMERS] But I thought we had something special." "Who's in there?" "Are you married?" "Because I really thought I..." "[STUN GUN BUZZES]" "[GRO ANING]" "[JAKE RETCHES]" "You know, your body's sending you a message." "Yeah, it's saying I should really chew my food more." "Look at that shrimp." "You could wash it off and serve it again." "Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison." "If it's poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things inside of me I need to kill." "You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol Uncle Charlie." " Right." "And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes." "Believe me, I've tried." "I'm sure you have." "If you ever need to talk about any of this stuff, I'm here for you." "[RETCHES]" "Good to know." "Whoa, I felt that one in my nuts." "ALAN:" "Hello?" "Anybody home?" "Are you gonna rat me out?" "Jake, buddy, how could you even ask me that?" "Hey, what's going on?" "Jake took the 20 bucks you gave him and got drunk with a friend." "Oh." "Bad boy." "So how about a beer?" "[RETCHES]" "JAKE:" "Never again." "Me neither." "You know what the problem is?" "The women, the drinking?" "You guys look at me and you think it's easy." "What you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky drunken ass-wrangler I am today." "INGRID:" "Charlie?" "Oh, sorry, baby." "I had a little family drama." "Remember, you said if I gave you what you want you'd give me what I want." "Right, breakfast in bed." "[CHARLIE CLEARS THRO AT]" " How do you like your eggs?" " Scrambled." "[WHISPERS] Yes." "You know, young man if I hadn't had been electrocuted earlier this evening you and I'd be having a serious talk right now." "Yeah, hold on."