"Just remember don't mention the communists." "Calvin's a great guy, but he's a little--you know." "Nutty." "What's his wife like?" "You know...housewife." "Likes to cook, pregnant." "Normal, then." "I wouldn't go that far." "Helen!" "Oh, hi, Betty." "Hi, Dave." "Just look at you." "Any day now." "Say hi to my sister Ruth and her husband." "Tell me if you've heard this one." "A duck walks into a drugstore." "He says, "I'd like some lip gloss."" "The clerk says, "Certainly, sir." "Will this be cash or check?"" "The duck says, "Put it on my bill."" "Oh, brother." "He was the golden boy professor at Cal Tech... but then he started inventing things." "He suddenly became very rich." "And that was it." "He quit teaching." "How's that?" "Just what the doctor ordered." "Calvin spends all of his time out there... tinkering around in the workshop." "If you ask me, it's all very strange." "Same is true of batteries." "I could take a simple yacht battery... and rig it to last a decade, easily." "Say, Helen, what does Calvin think... about this trouble down in Cuba?" "Oh, for heaven's sakes, please don't bring that up." "I'd say my baseball card collection is as complete... as any one I've ever seen." "Calvin!" "Kennedy is going toe-to-toe with Khruschev... on television right now." "Ooh, boy." "On the island of Cuba." "Unmistakable evidence has established the fact... that a series of offensive missile sites... is now in preparation on that imprisoned island." "Tower, this is Wolf One." "I got five miles to the overhead." "Wolf One, Tower." "Report the numbers." "You're number one for the overhead." "Tower, this is Wolf One." "I got a problem here." "State your problem, Wolf One." "Are you declaring an emergency?" "Stand by, One." "Additional sites appear to be designed... for intermediate-range ballistic missiles... and thus capable of striking most of the major cities... in the western hemisphere." "Folks." "Given this extraordinary turn of events..." "I think it's prudent we cut this evening short." "I'm sure this Cuban thing will resolve itself... but in the meantime, I suggest we take... a prayerful watch and wait stance." "OK, folks, let's go." "My coat." "Oh, here you go." "What did I tell you?" "Well, I'm certainly not gonna let this pot roast go to waste." "Oh, Calvin, would you put that seat cushion... back on the lawn chair, honey?" "Shouldn't we at least turn off the phonograph?" "It shuts off automatically." "Oh." "Did you make it to do that?" "They all do." "I never know anymore." "I bet that's a fighter jet on its way to Key West." "Good luck, amigo." "An emergency has been declared." "I repeat, an emergency has been declared." "You hear that?" "I'll come back for the radio." "I wish you would have at least let me do the dishes." "It's not gonna be that easy... to get all that dried-on food off my nice plates." "I just hope those plates are not radioactive by tomorrow." "Cheese is particularly troublesome." "I've got secondaries of an engine fire." "I'm gonna need to find a clear area to eject." "Roger, Wolf One." "Can you make it to the ocean?" "Roger that, Tower." "I'm marking the one-eight-zero radio for five... and ejecting, Tower." "Roger, Wolf One." "How long will we have to stay down here?" "For this thing to blow over could take days." "Days?" "What if I go into labor?" "That could happen any time now." "I've read up on it." "If I have to, I'll deliver the baby myself." "Home, sweet home." "To you, maybe." "Are you all right?" "I think so." "It's happened!" "Look at that heat!" "All my surface indicators... knocked out!" "Oh, Lord!" "It's happened!" "What was that noise?" " The locks." " The locks?" "To keep us from trying to leave." "There's a radiation half-life after an atomic blast." "It lasts thirty-five years." " Thirty-five years?" "Then after that, it's safe to go up." "According to Cal Tech... this Webber guy was a bona fide genius... but a borderline nut case." "He and Mrs. Nut Case... must have been out here when the plane hit." "Unless we get a postcard or something, that'd be my guess." "What about relatives?" "They're all back east." "Neighbors said the guy spent day and night out here." "She'd bring him sandwiches and hot Dr. Pepper." "He drank it hot?" "Good God." "Chilly?" "You shouldn't be." "Temperature's a nice seventy-three degrees." "Maybe I've just got the creeps." "How could you?" "This is just like home." "No, Calvin!" "This is different." "Believe me." "Would you like a tranquilizer?" "You've got tranquilizers?" "I told you I have everything." "What?" "Oh, hon." "Just breathe." "I'll get my stuff." "Is there a problem?" "No, Calvin." "Babies cry." "I've noticed." "What shall we call him?" "I don't know." "Well, I was thinking in the light of situation... we should call him Adam." "That's not sacrilegious, is it?" "No." "I think it's just right." "See, I flick this switch... and the image is projected onto a mirror... and the picture comes out here... and it's perfect." "Well, almost perfect." "Lord, bless this food... this family... and make us ever mindful... of the needs of others." "Amen." "Let's eat." "Out here, hon." "Oh, there you are." "Looked all over for you." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes." "You ready, Adam?" "Watch this." "He can stand up all by himself." "Show Daddy." "All by himself." "That's my guy." "Stand up." "My son." "Up, Adam... to the moon." "I never seen a septic tank that looked like that." "Well, don't fool with it." "If it is a septic tank, I sure as hell don't want to open it." "We'll just lay the foundation over it." "I'm gonna need two more banana splits and a Cherry Coke." "You bet, Mom." "Comin' up." "Oh, by the way, Mom, thanks for the job." "Buck fifteen an hour." "Your husband is crazy." "Hook off the jab." "That's right." "Four, five." "Five, six." "And six, spin." "May I cut in?" "You certainly may." "Thank you, son." "What the hell kind of music is that?" "Oh, man." "I'm not sure I like that." "These are stock certificates." "Your Mom and I bought them, for you." "Of course, they're worthless now... but at one time they were quite valuable." "They're pretty." "Could I have them?" "Sure." "Now let's move on to our French exam." "Latin exam, Dad." "It's Tuesday." "Gosh, it is Tuesday." "Time flies, doesn't it?" "Tempus fugit." "You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say." "The acorn does not fall very far from the tree." "This is wonderful." "That's my baseball card collection." "It's yours now." "What's baseball?" "It's a game, son." "I can explain it pretty easily." "You see, there's a pitcher." "Oh, like a painting?" "No." "A pit-cher." "Like one of Mom's?" "No." "There's a man who throws the ball... to a man who has a bat." "Oh, the nocturnal flying mammal." "I'm sellin' this place." "I want out of this hellhole." "Could I, uh..." "Buy it from me?" "Yeah!" "Yeah, that's it!" "I'll give it to you." "No money down." "Cool!" "I'm only gonna explain this one more time." "The runner on second goes to third." "It's--He's out there." "iWhy?" "Because he's forced out." "It's--it's a force." "Then why go there?" "Because...he must." "Coming." "Yes, dear?" "You get the presents, I'll get the lights." "You bet." "Happy birthday to you" "And many more" "Thanks, Mom." "Thank you, Dad." "Blow out the candles." "Make a wish." "Here." "Oh, boy!" "A jacket!" "Your mom made that all by herself." "No kidding?" "No kidding." "Who else could have done it?" "I made these." "Holy cow." "What the heck are these?" "It's your roller skates." "Yup." "I redesigned them." "These are really swell." "I mean swell." "What did you wish for, son?" "If he tells, it won't come true." "Oh, that's a bunch of baloney." "My family never believed that." "Well, we did in my family." "I wished that I could meet a girl." "I hope a nice one?" "Yes, ma'am." "One that doesn't glow in the dark, I hope." "Calvin Webber, what a thing to say." "Well, we'll be going up in two years." "We'll know then." "I'm very hopeful." "Me, too." "You know, when we do go up..." "I'm gonna miss this place." "How about you, hon?" "Would you please excuse me?" "No, no, don't--don't get up." "Should we say a prayer first?" "Just open the door." "Long time." "Well, it's dirty, but... it seems to be OK." "I know you're happy." "Do we just go on up?" "No, son." "Now is the time we must be at our most cautious." "We wait for night." "Oh, shit!" "Helen Thomas Webber... maybe we have been down here a little too long." "Pardon her French, son." ""Shit" is French?" "Well, it's archaic French." "It's a 16th century colloquialism... meaning roughly "Good."" "Your father's right." "Well...shit!" "Earthquake!" "Another earthquake!" "Let her come." "Let her come." "Let's get this over with!" "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God, save me." "For I have seen the light!" "I come... in peace." "Leave my elevator alone." "What happened to my backyard?" "Got a light, honey?" "A light?" "Yes." "I do have a light." "Good." "Thank you." "So...you survived the blast." "The blast?" "Honey, I've survived a host of things." "Like the song says, the country boy can survive." "Did you say you were a country boy?" "Cute little old man... if you want a boy, I can be a boy... and if you want a girl, I can be a girl." "Hell, I can be whatever you want me to be." "Really?" "Uh-huh, and it's all yours... for the remarkably low price of two hundred dollars." "And if you act now..." "I may even throw in some free lawn furniture." "No." "Thanks." "Thank you." "I have to go." "Go on." "Get out of here, you old drunk!" "Surprise!" "I'm gonna give it to you straight." "There's no point beating around the bush." "There were survivors." "Apparently the fallout has created a subspecies--mutants." "Mutants?" "Not a pretty sight." "Some eat out of garbage cans." "Others--cover your ears, son, and hum." "I mean that literally." "Right now." "Others...are multi-sexual." "It seems they can be both... masculine and feminine simultaneously." "I don't believe it!" "Believe it." "He tried to sell me his body, Helen." "They offer lawn furniture as a come-on." "All right." "They have done a lot of rebuilding... though society, at least as we know it... has totally collapsed." "People throw up in the streets." "Others point guns." "There's something terribly wrong with the automobiles... and I can't tell you the rest." "I just can't." "Maybe someday." "What do we do now?" "We stay down here!" "We do?" "Yes!" "We'll make do." "We have clothes, running water from a well." "I am convinced these mutants will kill each other off" "No, Calvin, we won't make do!" "Not me, not Adam !" "We're going up!" "I don't care how horrible it is!" "We deserve it!" "I am the head of this household!" "I want him to see the sky!" "We will!" "The ocean!" "A mountain!" "Do as I say!" "Oh, Adam !" "Oh, my goodness!" "Let's get him to the bedroom !" "He seems to be doing all right now." "I don't know if he had a heart attack... or just a horrifying experience... but we need supplies, and I've got to stay with him." "I'll go up." "I'm afraid you must." "I'll be all right." "My brave boy." "Just act normal." "If anyone asks, simply say..." ""I'm from out of town." "I'm here on business."" "Write that down." "Now, I'm going to give you a shopping list and some money." "We'll need just enough to get through the next year or two." "You'll find most of these items... at what used to be called a grocery store... or a hardware store." "Write that down." "I don't know how far you'll have to travel to find supplies... but if you can't get home by nightfall..." "I want you to look for something called a Holiday Inn." "It's a hotel." "Write that down." "There might still be one left standing." "Well, let's get you packed." "Right." "Just hope this is still good up there." "Say, Mom?" "Yes, dear?" "I was wondering... while I was up there and all..." "I was thinking, well, you know..." "I was wondering if maybe I could... meet a girl." "I've been thinking about that a little." "Just these last fifteen years or so." "Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl... one who's not a mutant... and hopefully comes from Pasadena." "Nothing against valley girls, but in my day anyhow... girls from Pasadena always seemed a little bit nicer." "Oh, and, son, there's also something called a liquor store." "Write that down." ""Liquor store."" "Are you all right?" "O Lord, yes." "Are you the one who came last night... all in yellow?" "Oh, that was my father." "Oh!" "Of course." "The father." "Forgive me." "Can you forgive me for my wasted life?" "Everything has been so awful." "I know." "It has been terrible... but it's not your fault." "And now that all the decay is over with... things are going to get better." "You understand?" "Yes!" "Well, I have to go now." "Of course!" "Of course you do." "I'll stay here and pray." "Say, that's always a good idea." "How do I leave this place?" "The front door is open." "Will you be back?" "I promise." "What?" "What is it?" "The sky." "The sky?" "Where?" "Up there." "I don't see anything." "Just look!" "What is it?" "He says he sees something." "What is it?" "The Sky!" "I see it, Mommy!" "I have never in my life seen anything like it before." "Or like you." "What are you lookin' at?" "Oh, my lucky stars, a Negro." "Say what?" "How do you do, ma'am?" "I do all right." "Good." "Wow!" "So this is public transportation." "My father says it becomes more and more important... because of pollution, which is more and more... carbon dioxide and other hazardous gases in the air." "Do you have a gun, by the way?" "Oh." "Well, thank you for not waving it around." "And for not vomiting, for that matter." "Say, do you know where I could find a grocery store?" "I have to find that." "That and a hardware store... a liquor store, and a standing Holiday Inn." "There's a grocery store up the street." "Where?" "Up there!" "Oh." "Thank you." "Driver, please stop the bus immediately!" "I wish to get off!" "Please stop the bus, sir!" "Paper or plastic?" "Paper, please." "Do you have a club card?" "I need a price check on register four..." "Diet Dr. Pepper, six-pack." "Don't talk to strangers." "Can I help you?" "Oh, yes." "I'd like to get some all-beef patties." "Fresh or frozen?" "Come on." "Frozen." "How much are they?" "Frozen?" "Six-thirty a dozen in a three-pound box." "Twelve into nine hundred is seventy-five." "That's almost five hundred dollars just for the hamburger." "My mother only gave me three thousand dollars for everything." "The yacht batteries, the pipe tobacco... the diesel oil, the bleach... the floss, the birthday candles" "You could get a meat order that big delivered to your home." "Really?" "Sure." "Oh, that's terrific." "Except it just occurred to me that I don't know where home is." "I'm lost." "Do you know where I live?" "No." "Will you please excuse me?" "Gladly." "Thank you." "Driver, please stop the bus!" "The name's Adam Webber... and I see that you buy baseball cards." "Although these are a lot older than the ones in the window..." "I was hoping that you still might be interested." "How much you want for this Mickey Mantle rookie season?" "Well, I was hoping to sell all of the cards." "Really?" "No kidding?" "All I have are hundred-dollar bills... and I need something smaller." "Ones, tens, fives." "I see what you mean." "Tell you what." "How about I give you five hundred in small bills... for the whole box?" "That would be wonderful." "Aw, shit." "I'm working here, Evie-poo." "Don't screw me up." "Yeah, I can see you're working, all right." "Bon soir, mademoiselle." "Oh, you're French?" "I'm from out of town." "I'm here on business." "Well, your business must not be sports memorabilia... because this one Mantle card right here-- worth six thousand dollars all by its itty-bitty self." "Get out of here!" "No, you get out of here." "Terrific." "You're fired." "I quit." "No, no, no." "I fired you." "Just like the hair salon guy and the Chevy dealer." "You know why you can't keep a goddamn job?" "'Cause you can't keep your goddamn mouth shut!" "Excuse me, sir, but I'd really appreciate it... if you wouldn't take the Lord's name in vain again." "You got a problem with that, partner?" "Yes." "I have a big problem with that." "Come on, Heathcliff." "I'll walk you out." "Yes, ma'am, but my name's Adam." "Adam and Eve, the perfect match." "I hope the two of you will be very happy together." "Mazel-fucking-tov." "And don't come back, neither, miss big shot." "I'm serious this time." "You're finished in the hobby business." "Where are we going?" "We?" "I'm going home." "Judging by that coat... you have to get back to the barber college." "No." "I'm lost." "You're lost?" "Did you just lose your job back there because of me?" "Forget it." "I'm sick of working for that dickhead." "Dickhead?" "A walking penis capable of intelligent speech." "A dickhead." "What is wrong with you?" "I just had this mental picture" "Help me pick these up." "Oh, thank you." "Where are you parked?" "I came on a bus." "Why does that not surprise me?" "Don't know." "Why doesn't it surprise you?" "Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic." "I have this thing." "I have this thing." "Yeah." "Let me guess." "This is your first visit to la-la land." "You're staying in Hollywood, because like an idiot... you thought that would be an exciting place to stay." "Am I right so far?" "So far." "Yes, I'm right?" "Right." "I knew it." "So you get on a bus and before you know it..." "So you get on a bus and before you know it... which brings us to here." "Correct again?" "Again." "Where are you staying?" "The Holiday Inn." "That's exactly right." "See?" "I'm psychic." "Not completely, but pretty much." "Pretty good, huh?" "No, it was amazing." "I know." "Thanks." "I'm gonna predict a bus for you." "You go down here" "Do you own a car?" "Oh, no, sweetie." "Rule number one in North America." "No strangers in the car." "If it'll make you feel any better..." "I don't have a gun." "Oh." "Well, that changes everything." "Get away from me!" "I said something wrong." "Please forgive me." "Get away from me!" "I'll make you a deal!" "I will give you a Rogers Hornsby if you take me to the hotel!" "Rogers Hornsby?" "He's yours." "I was holding him back." "Rogers Hornsby's worth four thousand dollars." "So what?" "I got two of them !" "And this many Larry "Yogi" Berras... and..." "For four thousand dollars, all I have to do... is drive you to your hotel?" "Uh-huh." "That's it?" "I don't have to take a physical on your spaceship?" "No, ma'am." "What?" "So, Mr. Andretti, first time on the freeway?" "It's Webber." "Adam Webber." "Mind if I change the station?" "Better traffic reports on A.M." "Sure." "Wait!" "What?" "What is it?" "Go back." "You had him." "It's Perry." "Perry Como." "You had him." "Go back." "OK." "Just" "That's it." "There." "I could die right now." "Over this?" "Listen to this part." "This is where it really takes off." "Wait for it." "There!" "You are one scary son of a gun." "You better slow down." "I can't help it." "Perry Como always does this to me." "I just get so cranked." "Card, please." "End of service." "That was wonderful." "I've never felt anything like that before in my life." "Yeah, same here." "Don't forget your suitcase." "Thanks." "You know" "I would like to stay at this hotel." "Fill this out, please, and I'll need to see a card." "A card?" "Yes, sir." "Oh." "Of course." "OK, then." "Bathroom's there..." "TV's there--remote is on top." "Room service menu on the table." "Wow." "Oh, you dial nine to get out." "Of what?" "The hotel." "I see." "Thank you." "You've been very, very helpful." "I managed to get some change downstairs... and my father taught me in situations like this... it's customary to give a tip." "Your father's a smart guy." "My father's a genius." "All right, here's your key, and good night, sir." "Good night." "Sleep tight." "Don't let the bedbugs bite." "That's what my mom always says." "Who I'm really beginning to miss, by the way." "Sorry." "It's my first night away from home." "How old are you?" "Thirty-five." "You don't look thirty-five." "How old do I look?" "Oh, twenty-five, around there." "I guess living up here makes people look older." "Up here on the eighteenth floor?" "Yes, up here on the eighteenth floor." "Good night." "What the hell am I doing here?" "That's what I'd like to know." "Somebody tell me that." "Natural oils, tropical fruits... flora, nuts, and protective sunscreens... a complete sun-care line..." "Hi." "This is the woman from the baseball card store." "Remember me?" "Oh, yes.Hi." "Hot-diggety-dog!" "Thanks for calling me on the telephone." "I'm so glad to see you." "I thought I'd never see you again." "OK, down, boy." "Listen, I can't take this for driving you home." "I wish I could, but I can't, so, here, take it back." "I would have left it at the front desk... but it's very valuable." "Take it." "I can't take that." "It's yours." "Take it, damn it!" "Why are you doing that?" "Because I haven't brushed yet." "Well, so long." "Enjoy your visit." "Wait." "Eve, please wait." "Please, do not follow me." "Don't do it." "I knew this would happen." "You're like a lost puppy." "Can't you talk to me for just one little second?" "Damn, I should have taken the money and run." "That's what Troy told me to do, but did I listen?" "No." "Will you put your hand down?" "Who's Troy?" "Is he your husband?" "Or a boyfriend?" "Thank you!" "Stop that!" "Don't do that!" "Listen, I know you like me, OK?" "I can tell." "But, you know what?" "A lot of guys like me." "Not me exactly." "It's my legs or my butt or my hair... or some combination of the above." "I think it's the eyes." "The eyes?" "Great." "An eye man." "Anyhow, it never works out." "OK?" "Not that you even need to know that." "You look like crap." "What have you been doing?" "Watching television." "In color." "In color?" "No kidding." "Cross my heart and hope to die." "Yeah." "See ya." "Why doesn't it ever work out?" "What?" "Why doesn't it ever work out, you and men?" "Why?" "Who the hell knows?" "If you promise to leave me alone, I'll tell you why." "It never works out... because I am into legs and hair and butts myself." "So I wind up with guys who are very good-looking... but even more shallow than I am, if you can picture that." "If you'll excuse me, I have to go find... another low-paying, demeaning job... where some guy named Jerry keeps telling me... how lousy his marriage is." "Why not go to work for me?" "Doing what?" "Helping me sell all my baseball cards... and buying enough food and supplies... to fill several large trucks." "Food and supplies?" "Who for, starving people?" "They're not starving yet, but they do need help." "How long would you need me for?" "Two weeks." "What's the pay?" "What's fair?" "I gotta make at least a thousand dollars a week." "You got it." "Wait here while I get changed." "Sure." "Here you go." "Why would someone need... twenty-six yacht batteries?" "I don't know." "I just work for the guy." "And who does he work for, the CIA?" "Pipe tobacco." "I'm going to need all of this." "Toilet paper." "Is there a sale?" "Well, another day, another dollar." "Will you stop staring at me?" "Sorry." "I'll pick you up at 8:00 in the morning." "You know, Eve, I was thinking" "Good night." "Good night." "We'll need to rent a refrigerated truck... for the beef and poultry." "Well, it's your life." "And by the way, it's a dandy." "Think we're also going to have to get another locker." "It's no problem." "We'll just sell another baseball card." "Coming down." "You know, Eve..." "And--and don't get mad, OK, but..." "I would just be lost without you." "Thanks." "And I guess..." "I guess that..." "I think that you and l" "Adam, don't even think about it, OK?" "I'm sorry." "I know that sounds mean... but it would be a lot meaner if I didn't say it, OK?" "Let's take this truck back, and I'm hungry." "Are you getting in?" "There's something else I'd like you to help me with." "Name it." "I'm afraid this is going to sound a little bit crazy." "I'm sure it will." "Then forget it." "No, no." "I'm sorry." "What is it?" "Eve, I want you to help me find... a wife." "A wife?" "Yes." "What for?" "Because I want to get married." "Why?" "Because I don't want to be alone." "Well, you can be single and not alone." "Marriage bites." "Bites what?" "The big one." "It does?" "Sure." "Oh." "I didn't know that." "Everybody knows that." "I mean, ask my divorced brothers... or my divorced mom and dad." "Everybody knows that." "They're all divorced?" "Everybody's divorced." "What kind of wife you looking for?" "Oh, um, well... one who's not a mutant." "No dogs, huh?" "OK." "Cool." "And if it's possible..." "I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena." "Um, when do you need her by?" "Two weeks?" "Well, I can probably get you laid in two weeks... but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena... will take some time." "That's what I was afraid of." "What do you mean, you can get me laid?" "Uh, can we talk about that a little later?" "Of course." "Great." "Lord, bless this food we are about to receive... and make us ever mindful of the needs of others." "And bless my mom... and bless my dad... and bless my new friend Eve." "Amen." "Amen." "Get out." "The engine is still running." "Now!" "Get out!" "Yes, ma'am." "Stop the "Ma'am" crap." "Sorry." "You almost got us killed." "I told you, I've never driven before." "Well, never drive again." "You said it would be easy." "Well, I was wrong!" "Say, is this your house?" "Yes." "I like it." "What are you bitching about now?" "What are you doing here?" "I forgot some of my stuff." "Your stuff?" "Yeah." "Let me see that." "Oh, you came back for your underwear." "Excuse me." "These are Ralph Laurens." "How'd you get in?" "Thanks." "And who's this interesting looking fellow?" "This is Adam." "Adam, this is Cliff." "How do you do?" "I do fine, Adam." "How about yourself?" "You, uh... doing any good lately?" "Go home, Cliff, wherever that might be." "Sheena Gilroy's apartment." "You remember her." "She's the model who went to Harvard." "Well, I'd better be going." "Bye, Adam." "Nice coat." "Thank you, Cliff." "It was very nice to meet you." "That's a nice parking job, too." "May I ask you a question?" "He's a former boyfriend." "We lived together for about six months... and, yes, I still have sort of a thing for him." "That's what you wanted to know, isn't it?" "No." "I was going to ask you... why Cliff likes to wear another man's underpants." "What?" "This guy is unbelievable." "I knew you'd like him." "I know." "It's like he's from "X Files" or something." "He's got all these easily negotiable properties, right?" "And he's obviously setting up something big-- maybe a self-sustaining island off the coast of South America." "Or maybe he's the leader of some cult... that's into practices involving poultry and pipe tobacco." "You have very nice ceilings." "Do I?" "Mm-hmm." "Well... you like ceilings?" "Not particularly." "Ah." "Well, I hope you like this." "It's fresh sea urchin wrapped in seaweed." "I love sushi." "I love Lucy." "Who doesn't?" "She's hilarious." "Here you go-- one champagne cocktail." "Oh, thank you." "I thought only hookers drank those things." "Well, I know Mom sure likes them." "Well, dinner's in fifteen." "Why don't we sit down and chat?" "So, Troy, what do you do for a living?" "Oh, I design web sites." "And, Adam... where on Earth are you from?" "Out of town." "That's all he'll say." "It's a very small place." "People don't even know it's there." "And it's called?" "Maybe Eve can guess." "She's psychic." "Is she?" "Since when?" "Since I got rear-ended in Palm Springs." "Well, then, Miss Dionne Warwick... why don't you tell us what town he's from?" "All right." "Give me your hand." "Oh, Lord." "I'm not promising anything." "Are you OK?" "Mm-hmm." "I see snow-- lots of snow... way up north." "Are we getting hot?" "Yes..." "You live in Alaska... and the only way in and out of your place is by plane." "And you definitely came here for food and supplies... and to find a wife." "That was right?" "Got goosebumps all over me." "I'm clairvoyant, butthead." "Why wouldn't you just go to Nome... to get supplies and a wife?" "Isn't that a lot closer?" "Yeah, right." "That's where you'd go to find girls" "Nome." "He's gay, by the way." "Well, good for you." "Well, we try." "Can I ask you some questions?" "When did Alaska become a state?" "1959." "And who owned it before we did?" "Russia." "And when did we get it from them?" "1867--Seward's folly." "We purchased it for seven point two million dollars-- a tidy sum then as well as now." "I'm quoting my father, of course." "All right, what's the state capital?" "Juneau." "Hello?" "It's Anchorage." "Gotcha." "Sorry." "That's the largest city." "Where's he going?" "He's going to check your answers on his computer." "He has a computer?" "Sure." "In the house?" "No, actually, it's in the backyard." "Of course it's in the house." "It's in there." "May I be excused, please?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Who are you?" "I'm the mother." "It's the mother!" "Troy, I suppose those tall buildings... we saw this morning are new?" "Yeah." "Almost all of them, anyway." "The recovery's impressive." "Recovery?" "Oh, yeah." "They rebuilt the freeway in only six months." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "That's amazing." "I'm very impressed." "Oh, well, that's impressive." "Are you sure I look OK?" "Oh, trust me, you look fabulous." "Thank you, Troy." "So, what do you think?" "It works." "Maybe I should show you the entire trousseau-- shirts, sweaters, socks, the whole thing." "No." "First, let's show her these." "Eve, can I skate around your block?" "How about it, Eve?" "Can he skate around your block?" "No." "Just a few laps." "It won't take long." "Look." "Adam, will you go skate on the bike path?" "Where?" "The bike path." "It's over there." "God, I wish I could wear those pants." "All right, girl, hit that ball." "I get it." "I finally get it." "You have to see it to understand it." "Because he must." "Haven't you ever heard the saying..." ""He hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain"?" "You know... my father, who is a scientist... says that everything is a miracle." "Everything." "Until recently, I wasn't sure what he meant by that." "No kidding." "Listen... you still want to go girl hunting tonight?" "Oh, yes, I certainly do." "But, I mean, you know... this whole business of finding you a wife... it's pretty ridiculous, don't you think?" "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." "A girlfriend, maybe, but a wife, it's..." "Well, then help me find a girlfriend." "That's all I ask." "I'll tell you what." "I'll give you every single card I've got." "Screw you." "You think I'm just somebody you can buy off?" "I didn't mean that at all." "Eve, you're my best friend." "Would you do it because you're my very best friend?" "Thank you, Eve." "Well, why did we park way back there?" "She doesn't allow total strangers to drive her car." "What?" "Ladies first, Troy." "That was close." "Uh-huh." "My goodness gracious, this place is something." "Look unimpressed." "Yeah, bored, even." "Try vaguely bored." "Unimpressed, but still interested." "Not crazy." "Do I look crazy?" "Yes." "Just, uh, be loose." "Just be yourself." "That's always good advice." "Well, for him." "It doesn't work with the rest of us." "Of all the clubs in all the towns in all the world... you walk into mine." "So welcome to Club 40's... where the party never stops." "Ah, Jason, Jonathan... this is Adam." "Adam, that's them." "Hi." "How do you do?" "It's very nice to meet you, Jason and Jonathan." "My mother always said... that when you meet someone for the first time... it's always easier to remember their names... if you use those names right away, Jason and Jonathan." "He's from Alaska." "Hi there, Eve." "Who's the hunk?" "Get lost, Sophie." "Hi." "I'm Sophie." "Hi." "How do you do?" "I'm Adam Webber." "Adam lives in Alaska." "No shit?" "Vous parlez français?" "Oui." "Moi, je parle un peu français." "Oh, you speak beautiful French." "J'ai habite à paris un an." "Paris-- c'est la vie des lumieres..." "n'est-ce pas?" "Oui." "C'est le pays d'amour." "Bien sur." "C'est bien que je vous ale rencontree..." "Parce que je n'ai pas eu la chance de pratiquer." "Si tu veux, nous pouvons pratiquer..." "Beaucoup de choses ensemble." "Tais-toi." "Au revoir." "Je m'appelle Adam Webber." "Quit showing off." "We're here on business." "I thought we were here to meet women." "Not that one." "I like her." "Now, Sophie, when you fly to Paris... do you check these, or are they carry-on?" "They're carry-on." "Excuse me." "What are you drinking?" "Oh, this is a Rob Roy." "It's a very popular drink I'm told." "How about her?" "No way." "Why not?" "l--I think she's very attractive." "She's got "bitch" written all over her." "You do know what "bitch" means, don't you?" "Well, yes, I do." "I do have a dictionary... but I can't understand for the life of me... why you would say that about her... or why Cliff would say that about you." "I think for you we should aim for... sweet." "OK." "I like that." "Yeah, sweet." "That's a lovely way of putting it." "There's Miss Sweet over there by the hors d'oeuvres table." "Look." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Could be." "Yeah, go on, Romeo." "Say hello." "She looks like a non-mutant to me." "OK." "All right." "What do I say to her?" "Oh, say something surprising... something funny" "Lie, if need be." "Lie?" "Oh, yeah." "Lying can be a very effective dating tool." "All right." "Here I go." "I don't think I want to watch this." "Surprising and funny." "Well, I know "the duck who bought some lip balm."" "Lie." "I was wondering if you could help me." "I, um, seem to have lost... my Congressional Medal of Honor... around here somewhere." "Now, that's a great one." "This is my new friend." "Adam Webber." "Hi." "I'm Heather." "I don't believe I've ever heard that name before." "Yeah, do you dance?" "Why, I took a dance lesson every day of my life... up until a couple of days ago." "You're kidding." "No, no, I did." "Shall we dance?" "Sure." "Yeah?" "Wait for me." "Is that your girlfriend?" "No, no." "Will you please excuse me?" "You -- you go to the bathroom." "What, right here?" "I thought I should check." "You're being so bossy." "Thank you both very much for the dance." "Thank you." "I have to go to the bathroom." "You wanted to see me?" "You're not from Alaska." "Where the hell did you learn to dance like that?" "And there are no starving people, are there?" "Why are you so angry with me?" "What, you think I'm some kind of sap?" "No, I don't." "I admire you." "I fell in love with you the very moment I saw you." "I want you to stop lying to me." "All right." "I'll tell you everything." "In 1962" "Well, well, well." "Don't we clean up nice?" "Well, hello, Cliff." "How are you this evening?" "Not bad... though I do miss that green sport coat of yours." "Oh, why, thank you, Cliff... but that's my seat, and I was just about" "Come have a drink up at the bar." "Sure." "Excuse us." "It's all yours." "Please excuse this interruption." "Oh, brother." "Eve, I don't mean to be rude, and, Cliff, please excuse me... but, Eve, isn't Cliff just a butt with hair?" "What?" "I'm sorry." "And legs-- Legs, butt, and hair." "And shallow as well." "Shallow?" "Adam, why don't you go home?" "Go back to the hotel." "Yeah, before I kick your ass." "I must warn you, Cliff, I do know how to defend myself." "Oh, do you?" "Stop it, you two." "Nice move." "Yeah, he's right." "Maybe we shouldn't fight in here." "I agree." "I'm sorry." "He was going to..." "Maybe we shouldn't fight at all." "I mean... fighting's pretty immature when you think about it." "It certainly is." "I'm leaving." "That's probably a good idea." "I'm sorry." "Well... good night, everyone." "I'm leaving, too, OK?" "And you know what?" "If you want help... you can ask Troy, because I quit." "This is ridiculous." "You're ridiculous, and I'm ridiculous." "I'll buy you another Rob Roy, huh, champ?" "Rob Roy for the gentleman." "Well?" "He go back to the hotel?" "He might have." "What does that mean?" "That means that we did not leave together." "Well, who did he leave with?" "What's that to you?" "I'm his pimp!" "He left with those dancers, didn't he?" "You're the psychic." "Eve the psychic pimp." "You tell me." "Those sluts." "Yeah." "Then again, who isn't a slut these days, huh?" "Where are you going?" "To bed." "To bed?" "Sure." "To bed." "I'm not the one that's in love with the guy." "What?" "!" "Now hold on!" "Hold on just a minute." "In the first place..." "I do not fall in love with weirdoes... who I've only known for four or five days." "Yes, you do." "And I don't fall in love with grown men... who collect baseball cards!" "Yes, you do." "Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean." "Yes, you do." "Or have perfect table manners." "You know, I asked him about that." "He said good manners... are just a way of showing other people... that we have respect for them." "I didn't know that." "I thought it was a way of acting superior." "Oh, and you know what else he told me?" "What?" "He thinks I'm a gentleman, and you're a lady." "Well, consider the source." "I don't even know what a lady is." "I know." "I thought a gentleman was somebody that owned horses." "But it turns out... the short, simple definition of a lady or a gentleman... is someone who always tries to make sure... that the people around him or her... are as comfortable as possible." "Where do you think he got all that information?" "Oh, from the oddest place." "His parents." "I don't think I got that memo from mine." "And now, I suppose, he's trying to make those dancers... feel as comfortable as possible." "He didn't go home with them." "Well..." "He went home with Sophie." "She swept him out of the room... whispering little French sweet-nothings into his ear." "No, not Sophie." "Not Sophie." "Don't tell me that." "So whatcha gonna do, go to her place and kick the door in?" "You're goddamn right I am." "You coming?" "You kidding?" "Sophie'd kill me." "Coward." "Gentleman coward." "So just scare me, why don't you, you stupid son of a bitch!" "I'm really sorry." "What are you doing here?" "You're supposed to be on San Vicente Boulevard... having unsafe sex with that slut Sophie." "I know, and I'm really sorry." "I'm limping!" "How attractive is that?" "!" "What if this is for life?" "I--I was just gonna say" "I know." "And then she" "I know, I know." "And I didn't mean to scare her." "Of course you didn't." "Nothing I do with her ever seems to be right." "That's because... you're a nice boy... but what Eve needs is a nice man." "Understand, champ?" "Good night." "Good night, Troy." "You still here?" "Let me help you." "No." "I can do it myself." "I know more about first aid than you know about baseball cards." "Now give me the stuff and sit down." "Sit!" "Let me see." "Give me your knee." "These pants are ruined, right?" "I'd say so." "There." "Steady." "There." "Don't be such a baby." "Oh, I'm the baby?" "Did, um..." "Did you go to Sophie's?" "Of course." "And?" "She was hospitable." "Hospitable?" "But... it just wasn't where I wanted to be... so..." "I left as politely as I could... and I found a taxi... and I told the driver to bring me here... instead of back to the hotel." "There's a song that Mr. Como sings... called "On the Street Where You Live."" "Do you know it?" "Sing it to me." "I have often walked" "Down this street before" "But the pavement always stayed" "Beneath my feet before" "All at once am I" "Several stories high" "Knowing I'm on the street" "Where you live" "It's a song about a young man... who's overjoyed... just to be standing in front of the house... of the person... that he loves." "You know, l" "Adam, I know this is stupid... but humor me." "Have you ever had sex before?" "No..." "How is that possible?" "You better sit back down." "In 1962, when the bomb was dropped on Los Angeles... my parents were in our fallout shelter." "That's where I was born." "We only survived because it's a huge shelter... as far as fallout shelters go." "My father worked on it secretly for years." "When he had to... he used contractors... but always from out of state... and always for only a portion of the job." "He told them it was a secret government experiment... done through Cal Tech." "Now, my dad's not a liar... but in this case, he felt he had no choice." "Of course, it had to be kept a secret." "We only had enough supplies... to last three people for thirty-five years." "The really tricky part was the air-vent system... but we were able to cut into the flood-control sewer." "We..." "What I would like to do... is to take you with me into the fallout shelter." "We could live there with my mom and dad." "My dad said that if I found a healthy young girl... that...that I should bring her on down." "Why, Eve... you look plenty healthy to me." "I think it's time to call a cab." "Oh." "Of course." "You're absolutely right." "I really shouldn't be over here at this late hour." "Good night, Adam." "Thank you." "God damn, Adam !" "Wait a minute." "Oh, look, I'm sorry." "I know." "I took the Lord's name in vain again." "I" "No." "There's an adult bookstore back there." "I'll be right back." "Give us a sign!" "Amen!" "Yes!" "That's all we ask." "Just give us some sort of sign!" "Just show us that we're not alone!" "This is, uh..." "Hi, Adam." "I'm Nina Aron." "Hello." "How do you do?" "Very well, thank you." "I'm with the County Family Services Department." "Eve tells me you've been living in a bomb shelter... most of your life." "Fallout shelter." "There is a difference." "Adam, I'd like to introduce you to my associate Mr. Brown." "We want you to come with us... so we can talk some more about your experiences." "Come where?" "My office." "For how long?" "Well, that depends." "Well, I thank you very much for the invitation... but I'm very busy today." "Perhaps I could see you tomorrow." "I think you should go with Dr. Aron." "I think it's the best thing." "I think it's best for you." "I--I do." "All right, Eve." "If you say so." "I do." "Could I please just go home?" "I was lost, but I found home this morning." "And if I can just go home..." "I promise I'll never bother any of you ever again." "Let's go talk first." "Yes Ma'am." "What?" "!" "What was I supposed to do?" "He told me he wanted to take me underground." "That's like "Silence of the Lambs."" "It's crazy!" "Yeah." "You did the right thing." "Where you going?" "Oh, my God." "All right, don't worry." "He'll catch him." "Yes, this is Nina Aron." "I've got a runaway, and I'm going to need police assistance." "No, you cannot call them." "Honey, I have to." "If a complaint is made and the person resists" "No!" "I cannot have that!" "They'll come with their cars and their guns and" "All right." "Calm down." "Now, that young man needs help... and you need protection from him." "I was frightened!" "I didn't know what to think, but, you know..." "I believe him." "I think he just" "I really think he wants to go home-- wherever that might be." "Everybody has to calm down." "That's the most important thing." "You can have all my baseball cards... and don't forget to pay my bills." "Young man, you stop right there!" "Stop!" "Don't get in that truck!" "You gotta stop trying to drive this truck." "Thanks for always being happy." "What?" "Gay." "That's my car, you son of a bitch!" "Where the hell have you been?" "I fell down." "You guys get the license number on that truck?" "What are you asking them for?" "They're as screwed up as he is!" "Hey, everybody keep calm." "That's the important thing." "Who you talking to, you stupid..." "Mom, Dad..." "I'm home." "I've got almost everything we need." "And this nice man..." "Archbishop Melker." "We've met previously." "...and his church group have volunteered to help bring it down... but we've gotta hurry." "Are you in trouble, son?" "I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist." "A psychiatrist?" "It happens." "Oh, my goodness." "How bad is it up there?" "Horrible." "There's something on your forehead." "I know." "Is this it?" "Well, what are we gonna do with it?" "Give it back to him." "And what if we can't find him?" "We'll find him." "Well..." "Eve, look what I found in the suitcase." "It's stock certificates." "I mean, it's got, like" "It's got, like, IBM and ATT and Polaroid and..." ""Ipana"?" "I remember this brand." "I didn't know they still made this." "Oh." "Look at this." "It says "Trademark 1961."" "Hurry, my friends!" "We have no time to waste!" "The son has spoken!" "Let's step it up!" "Leave my elevator alone" "Leave my elevator alone" "We're losing a ride!" "Purchased in 1958 and '59... ten thousand shares of each?" "They'd be worth millions." "Hell, I don't know." "Millions upon millions..." "Upon millions." "The stocks, the baseball cards... the clothes... the toothpaste." "The guy's on the level." "Eve, a man walks into your life... who's the kindest, most polite... most incredibly rich guy you've ever met." "And I have him committed." "Yes, you did." "Well... at least I fell for him before I found out he was rich." "That's new." "He said today he knew where home was." "Where'd you guys go this morning?" "Just to pick up frozen poultry." "Then?" "Then back to the house." "You didn't stop anywhere?" "We did." "We stopped at a porn shop." "Yeah, we stopped at this adult bookstore." "Adam was very excited to see it." "Adam was very excited to see porn?" "Yes." "Eve, do you think maybe his home is underneath... a dirty book store in the valley?" "This is it?" "Yeah." "Yeah, this is the place." "Do you have a basement?" "Believe me, all the really good stuff is right up front." "Is there a back entrance or something?" "Are you kidding?" "Of course." "Nice kid." "Nice kid." "What are we looking for?" "This is ridiculous." "Why would they put a fallout shelter under a porn shop?" "None of this was here back in '62." "Back then this was all, like, cute little homes... and, you know, fruit orchards." "We've come a long way, haven't we?" "I wanna go home." "Yeah." "Maybe he'll call, huh?" "This is Adam." "Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me." "And..." "I wanted to tell you that I... that, uh... that I--that I wish so many good things for you." "I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true." "And... and that-- and that's all I..." "And that's all." "Your ride stinks!" "Stay outta here, you drunk!" "How long you gonna set it for this time?" "I thought ten years." "Well, it's... considerably shorter than before, but..." "I was wondering, Calvin, I mean... why set the locks at all?" "I mean, the radiation's gone." "To keep what's up there from getting down here." "It's not radiation I'm worried about." "I would like for you to meet..." "Miss Eve Vrustikov." "Adam's told me such wonderful things about you." "Oh, honey... excuse us, please." "We haven't entertained a guest..." "In quite some time." "Oh, Eve, what-- what can I offer you?" "Mom, Eve and I have to go." "Oh, Adam, you just got here." "I can't explain right now... but I want you to set the locks for two months." "You've got more than enough of everything... and then we'll be right back to get you." "But I don't understand." "And I'm asking you to trust me... without understanding why." "In that case, of course." "Oh, of course, son." "They really are wonderful parents." "It's truly amazing what you can get done... when you have unlimited funds." "Do you know you can have whole houses built... in just a matter of months?" "It's like the Garden of Eden, don't you think?" "All you have to say is this..." ""I don't care what it costs."" "And then, of course, you've got to really mean it... which no one ever does." "It took a while to convince Archbishop Melker... that Adam wasn't God... and he was pretty broken up about it, too... until I showed him my plans... for Los Angeles' hottest and most original night spot." "It's my goddamned malt shop." "Now let's just figure out what's gonna happen here." "Now I want the whole ownership... of everything downstairs, right?" "I want one of my guys at the door." "Our idea was to bring Adam's parents... up to the surface very slowly... make them very comfortable... and then break the bad news to them... that there was no nuclear holocaust." "Oh, son." "Have you ever in your life... seen a son who did more for his parents?" "This is beautiful." "It's absolutely beautiful." "Well, uh... we seem to have everything... but, you know... it's not much different... from a fallout shelter." "No, Calvin." "This is different." "Believe me." "This is great... son." "Dad, I don't know how to tell you this... and I was gonna wait for a while to do it, but..." "Dad, there was no bomb." "A plane crashed in our backyard." "I looked it up in old newspapers." "You sure?" "Positive." "The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired." "The cold war's over." "What, the politburo... one day said..." ""we give up"?" "Yes, just..." "That's kinda how it went." "By gosh!" "These commies are brilliant." "You have to hand it to them." "No, we didn't drop any bombs." "Oh, yeah." "Our evil empire has collapsed." "Poor us." "I'll bet... they even asked the West for aid." "Right?" "Um, I think they did." "Oh, boys." "Dinnertime!" "Pot roast." "I tell ya." "Funny guy." "Don't tell your mother." "No." "Adam says that this is simply how things work." "First the parents take care of the children... and then the children take care of the parents." "He says, historically, that's how it works." "Damn commies." "Whenever Adam gives me... such obviously incorrect information..." "I just smile, slap him on the knee... and look out the window." "Why spoil his dreams?" "They're such wonderful dreams."