"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing' of the seasons" "# And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's drivin' me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(PLAYS JOLLY TUNE)" "Yes, we'll have two sirloin steaks, thank you, Michael." " (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Make 'em big 'uns!" " As Jumbo says, make 'em big 'uns." "Sautéed potatoes, a selection of greens." "Put the whole thing on my account, will you, Michael?" "What account?" "(EMBARRASSED LAUGH)" "What account?" "See what I mean, the old place hasn't lost its sense of humour!" "I wouldn't laugh if a barman made a berk of me!" " Barman?" "You listen here, pal!" " Michael!" "Jumbo did not mean any offence!" "Shall we sit over here?" "Hey, mate, do you know this pub hasn't got a music licence?" "Still, as long as it's him playing, there's no problem, eh?" " Who's the big-mouth Aussie, Mike?" " He's no Australian." "He used to be a local lad, then he emigrated." "That was a bit of luck!" "What's he doing back?" "Buying cars off Boycie or something." "There you are, you mucky old sod!" "Have you seen the state of my Persian rug back at the flat?" "You run the J Edgar over it soon as you get back!" "You should see it!" "Give me a Manhattan, will ya?" "A small rum for him." "Spit in the rum!" " Where's Rodney?" " I left him clearing up the market." " Some mush just had a go at me!" " Who had a go at ya?" "Him!" "Took the mickey out of my piano playing." "You ought to be used to that by now!" "I'll sort him out." "I'll sort you out an' all later." "'Ere, excuse me, pal!" "I don't believe it!" "Jumbo bloody Mills!" "Who let you back in the country?" "Look at this, will you?" "!" "Talk about a bad penny!" "Del Boy, how you doing, mate?" "All right, my son!" "You're looking double-well!" "I live in a healthy country." "No fog or frost in Oz, mate!" "It suits you!" "Look at all that, eh!" " What you doing back home, eh?" " Derek!" "Jumbo and I are having a business meeting." "It's rather confidential." "I've no secrets from Del." "We were partners back in the '60s!" "We used to have a fish stall outside the pub here!" "Yes, I remember." "Those were the days!" "How long you back home for?" "A week or so." "I'm here to do a deal with Boycie, take in a bit of sight-seeing." "I wish I hadn't bothered!" "This country has become a cesspit, Del!" " You're right there!" " What do you mean, a cesspit?" "There are cleaner places in an Abo's armpit!" "I'll tell you what, though, you can't tell that's a wig!" "That's because it's not a wig!" "Do me a favour!" "You used to have curly hair!" "Come on!" "That is a syrup, ain't it, eh?" "!" "Of course it ain't a syrup!" "I've got a tenner 'ere that says that is a syrup!" "No!" " I have a tenner that says it ain't!" " Cover that, then." "I'll tell you why I know..." "Is that your change over there?" "(DEL) Thank you very much!" "What are you playing at?" "!" "I don't believe you sometimes!" "I'm trying to clinch a business deal... and you've nicked my client's wig!" "It was for a bet." " Jumbo understands!" " No, I bloody don't!" "You always liked embarrassing me, didn't you?" "!" "(DEL) No!" "Look, er, chaps, this is just a temporary condition." "My doctors have assured me that me own hair will grow back eventually." "'Ere you are." "Where's the loud-mouthed Aussie gone?" "Put it down on the table and leave us alone, mate." " Just a minute, pal..." " Mike, it's all right." "Go on." "He really is a nice bloke." "Yeah, typical Brit!" "The only thing that works is the mouth!" "(FALSE LAUGHTER)" "Sorry." "Del, I'm having a business meeting!" "Do you mind?" "All right!" "Enjoy your nosh." "I'll see you later." " I've gotta talk to you, Del." " Any time." "Do they want you over there?" "Thanks a lot, Boyce." "Cheers!" "He seems a nasty bit of work!" "Jumbo?" "No, that's just the way he is." "He has a heart of gold, that bloke." "Trouble is, his mouth is always three seconds ahead of his brain." "I'll tell you what, he is a diamond, that bloke." "He never cheated me." "He's straight as a die!" "The import and export licences will be looked after by my people." "It should only take a couple of weeks." "Look, Boycie, I'm sorry, but I can't concentrate without the toup." "I feel naked." "I'll pop to the gents and put it back." "Of course, Jumbo, I fully understand." " I want a word with you!" " Ah, Jumbo!" "Listen." "Remember that horrible kid brother of mine, with the funny haircut, all snot and Marmite?" "Yeah, I remember." "It's him, innit!" "You ain't changed a bit, Rodney!" "Do you remember Jumbo Mills?" " Nah." " Nah, you was a little sprog when he emigrated to Australia." "He's done well for himself!" "The best thing I ever did was leaving this dump." "I'm a major shareholder in an office cleaning company, got a chain of fast food restaurants, and I'm going into the automobile trade." "I bought this apartment on Sydney harbour." "Half a million dollars!" "Architect-designed interior right down to the mirrored ceiling in the bedroom!" " Mirrored ceiling?" " Whoo, kinky!" "It's purely decorational." "I wouldn't use it for anything like..." "Well, you wouldn't use it to comb your hair!" "You think I'm bald, don't ya?" "Well, it had crossed MY mind." "Well, I'm not." "Well, that's a hell of a parting you've got, son!" "What I mean is, I am not naturally bald." "Oh!" "You mean you PAY someone to do that to ya?" "What I mean, Rodney, is that this is the result of a nervous disorder." "My doctors have assured me that me own hair will grow back at any time now." "Trouble is, they told him that 15 years ago!" " He's only winding you up!" " All right." " I'll see you at eight o'clock." " Yeah." "Drink up." " Did you clear up down the market?" " Yes, I did." "How long have I been a rubbish clearer?" "You never told me I'd got promoted (!" ")" "It weren't even our rubbish." "It come off Harry Dando's fruit and veg stall!" "I know it did." "Listen, Harry's an old man now." "He's got arthritis and a touch of rheumatism." "You know, if I can help somebody as I go along my way, my living will not have been in vain, that is my motto." " How much did he pay ya?" " A fiver." " You want two quid?" " I want 2.50." "When that doctor said your hair could grow back any time, he weren't kidding!" "So he said, "For a moment, I thought you were hissing my performance!"" " Hello, Del, all right?" " All right, yeah." "Give me a banana daiquiri pour moi and Australian lager for Jumbo." "I only sell British lager, Del " "Kronenbourg, Hofmeister, stuff like that." "Well, give us one of them, then." " How's life treating you?" " I'm not complaining." "So you never did become that millionaire you talked about?" "Well, not yet." ""This time next year, I'll be a millionaire!"" "That's what you said to me before I emigrated." "Trouble is, that was 1967!" "Well, you know, there's still time." "Thank you, Michael." "Thank you." "Cheers." "Do you believe that, Del?" "I mean, do you truly believe it?" " Course, I do, yeah!" " You should have come with me." "You're wasted here." "This country's finished." "It's old, decrepit." "But it's my country so stop having a pop at it!" " The stench of defeat's everywhere." " It's British stench and I'm proud of it!" "The old place has got no guts any more!" "Someone else said that - a little jumped-up general from Buenos Aires." "You could get what the Argies got - a good smack in the eye, all right?" "Hold on, mate, hold on!" "Didn't mean to offend you!" "I'm just trying to point out a few facts, that's all." " Leave it at that, then." " Remember when our business broke up and I decided to emigrate?" "If it hadn't been for you, I'd have gone to Australia potless." "You gave me your last £200!" " I told you to forget it!" " I never did forget it, mate." "Even when times were hard, I used to think to myself," ""I'm gonna pay Del back with interest!"" "And now I am!" "I want us to re-form our old partnership." "What, get another fish stall?" "No, no!" "You see, I'm starting up this business." "I'm gonna import prestige European motors " "Rollers, Mercs, that kind of thing." "I want you to come to Australia as my partner!" "I want you to front the business!" "I want you to deal with the public." "Give 'em that old razzmatazz like you used to!" " Australia?" " I've got the money." "I've got the site, and thanks to my deal with Boycie I've got the motors." "All I need is you!" "I dunno." "Australia's a long way off, innit, eh?" "They'd love you over there!" "They've got no class!" "What?" "What I mean is, they've got no class structure like they have here in England." "Over there it doesn't matter how you talk." "A bloke's just a bloke." "Cor blimey!" "It'd cost a fortune to get over there, won't it, eh?" "!" " I'm paying!" " No, I couldn't go, no." "I've got no trade or nothing." "They wouldn't accept me." "You've got a full partnership in a growing company." "Derek, this time next year, you WILL be that millionaire!" "Nah..." "I've got family ties and all that, ain't I?" "Bring 'em with you!" "Put young Rodney on the payroll!" "Well, he has got two GCEs." "That doesn't matter." "We'll find something for him to do." "No, no." "You've gotta remember, we used to row a lot, didn't we?" "So we'll still row!" "Our biggest argument will be who's got the most millions!" "So what do you say?" "Are we going to do it or ain't we?" "All right!" "Put it there, you old bastard, you're in for a fast ride!" "Let's do it, all right!" "Michael, a bottle of champagne for my partner and me!" "And make it the best champagne!" "A bottle of that Dillinger's '75." "That's Prince Charles's favourite champagne, that." " No, that's Bollinger's." " It's bloody true, I'm telling ya!" "They're not at it again in Brixton, are they?" "This is the Blitz of London." "I was there!" "Rodney!" "Rodney!" "Rodney!" "We're going to Australia!" "Well, I'll just see the end of this first, eh?" "No, no, good boy." "Come on." "Listen, I'll get the glasses." "# Sun-arise, she come in the morning!" "# Sun-arise, come every awning!" "# Lighting up the ground all around!" "Yeow-yeow... #" "I think you've had enough." "I'm celebrating!" "It's not every day you decide to go to Australia." "Tell you what, I'll make you a nice cup of black coffee, eh?" " We're going to Australia!" " What do you mean, we're going to Australia?" "What's the matter with this boy?" "Let me put it another way." "We are going to Australia!" "Jumbo's offered me a partnership in his company." "His new company." "It's gonna be a real big earner." "This time next year, we WILL be millionaires!" "First thing in the morning we go to Australia House, we fill in the forms and we're away!" "Don't I have a say in this?" "I might not want to go to Australia." "It's too late now." "I gave him your word, ya see!" "I want time to think about this!" "You don't have to." "I've done that for ya!" "Just think, Rodney" " Australia, eh!" "Where the men are men!" "And so are the women." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Last time I was there, the only way to tell the sexes was that the men spit further." "And when was the last time you were over there?" "1929." "1929!" "We were still transporting prisoners over there then, weren't we?" "!" "I wanna explain something." "Come here!" "Look, I've got Jumbo's..." "Jumbo borrowed me some of his photos." "Look at that beach there." "(RODNEY) Look at that bird!" "That'd bruise your ribs, wouldn't it?" "!" "Hey, that could be us in a little while!" "You know, blue skies, surfing, beach parties, eh!" "What do you reckon?" "It sounds great!" "What, he wants us to help run his new car business?" "No, no, not "help" run it." "I'm gonna be a partner." "Straight down the middle." "Jumbo's gonna have 51 per cent of the shares, ya see." " How's that straight down the middle?" " I'll get 51 per cent an' all." "The thing is, Jumbo's gonna be behind the scenes and handle all the money, and I'll be the Sales Director!" "I'm gonna have my own executive office and a swivel chair!" "So what's my job, then?" "You'll play a vital role in the organisation" " and I know you can handle it!" " So what is it?" "When them Rolls and Mercs trundle off the ship, what's the first thing they'll need?" "Import licences, customs clearance!" "More important than that." "Re-registering." "They've gotta have new number plates and log books!" "What are they gonna need even more than that?" "Cleaning!" " Cleaning?" " Yeah!" "He's going 20,000 miles just to be a car cleaner?" "No!" "He's not gonna be just a car cleaner." "He's gonna be a prestige car cleaner!" " He'll be in charge of it." " I'll have staff working under me?" "Eventually." "This is a growing business." "A year from now, I can't afford to have you down there with your mutton cloth and your T-cut." "I've got to have you up in the boardroom." "And you'll have your own in-car celluloid phone!" " And a secretary?" " All that." "You've gotta have that!" "We've gotta find something for Albert to do." " Yeah, I've worked it all out." " I wouldn't waste your time, boys, 'cause I'm not going." "Come here!" "What do you mean, you're not going?" "Listen, I spent three-quarters of my life sailing round this world, now all I want is a place to sit down and stay there." "When I come to live with you two, I hoped I'd end my days 'ERE!" "Yeah, so did we!" " It's a great opportunity for us!" " It's a YOUNG man's opportunity." "I'll be all right here on me own." "All right." "If that's what you really want." "If that's what you want." "I'll make sure you're all right for a few bob." "You're a good boy, Del." "Oi, Del, we'll be getting away from all the fumes and the squalor!" "Yeah, it's goodbye to all that and hello to clean air, good living!" " Where will we live?" " We can have Jumbo's apartment for a while." "On Sydney harbour?" "Yeah!" "It'll be like living on another planet!" "Um..." "Del..." "Yes, you CAN have the room with the mirrored ceiling." "What's it say?" " I've been accepted!" "Thank Gawd!" "I had this feeling." "I thought something was bound to go wrong!" "No, boy, you're home and dry!" "I've got this feeling as well!" "This is the chance that's gonna change your life!" "I'm gonna make it this time, Albert, you bloody see if I don't!" "All right?" "Triffic!" "I've had a letter." "I've been accepted!" "Oh, great!" "What's the matter?" " Nothing's the matter." " Nothing." "You ain't getting homesick already, are ya?" " I got a letter this morning as well." " Yeah?" "They've refused me an immigration visa." "They've turned me down." "Sorry, mate." "But why, Rodney?" "I mean you're young!" "You've got the GCEs!" "I've also got a criminal record for an offence involving drugs." "Bloody hell!" "That was years ago!" "You only took one bloody puff!" "It don't say that on your file." "It just says you've been found guilty for the illegal use of drugs." "I'm sorry, mate." "I've messed it all up for you now, ain't I?" " No, you ain't, bruv." " Yes, I have!" "I've blown your big chance." "No, there's always a way round, Rodney." " There's always a way round it." " Really?" "Yeah!" "Don't worry, Rodney." "I'll find another car cleaner." "What, you're still going?" "You're gonna go without me?" "I've got to!" "I've got a partnership waiting over there." "What about OUR partnership?" "Our partnership?" "Oh, OUR partnership!" "Yeah, well, you know that that means all the world to me." "I'm just gonna have to say bonjour to it." "Look, I know it's none of my business but..." "Spot on, Albert!" "I'll make the toast, son." "Look, Rodney, this is my golden opportunity to fulfil my potential, right?" "What do you want me to do?" "Stay 'ere, flogging all this rubbish?" "I've got 24 computers that don't work, and a near Persian rug that's got more food on it than a menu!" "And what about last year when I had a golden opportunity?" "You forced me to give it up!" "You give me all that cobblers about loyalty and family ties!" "You wanted to be a window cleaner!" "It was hardly the end of the rainbow stuff!" " I'd have had me own business." " But you will have your own business!" "You'll become the sole proprietor of Trotters Independent Traders!" "What exactly do I trade with?" "Well, all right..." "Well, at least you've got 24 beautiful-looking computers and this sort of Persian rug." "It's not bad." "Just smooch it over with a J-cloth and it's a real goer!" "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do!" "Here's my little black book." "I'm gonna give you that." "That contains the names and addresses of all my birds!" "And this is my future?" "24 computers that don't compute, the only rug in the world with a sell-by date, and a script to "101 Dalmatians"!" "Thanks a lot!" "Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?" "Sacrificed?" "For me?" "Yes, you!" "When dear Mum, Gawd rest her soul..." " When she died..." " Don't start that again, Del!" " When she died, who stood by you?" " Yes, I remember that well." "I was a five-year-old stood in a damp graveyard, wondering what the hole in the ground was for." "Everyone was saying, "What's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?"" "I had no need to fear, 'cause suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks!" "Is it a bird?" "Is it a plane?" "No, it's Del Boy!" "Da-da-da-da-dah!" "(DEEP VOICE) I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif!" "I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy!" "He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners, and I will also teach him how to drive a three-wheeled van while pissed out of his skull!" "And I did, didn't I?" "Yeah." "You made a bloody good job of it, too." "Just think, Del." "So far, I'm your only success." "That says a lot for the two of us, don't it?" "Rodney..." "I mean, Rodders..." "I'm gonna make a fortune over there!" "I'll send you money and all that!" "You know what you can do with your money!" "Rodney, look, I've got to have a chance." "I mean, this country's going downhill fast!" "I know, but I think the real opportunity lies right here!" "What happens when a country's in a depression?" "Money gets tight, don't it?" "People can't afford to pay inflated shop prices so what do they do?" "They come to blokes like us!" "The more hard-up Britain gets, the richer we'll become, eh!" "This is my big chance, Rodney." "Fine." "Well, I'll see you around... sport (!" ")" "Dipstick!" "I suppose you heard all that!" "The tugboat cruise on the Thames heard it all!" "So what have we come to, eh?" "A family feud!" "You're like them Ewing brothers - Bobby and JR!" "I suppose I am a bit like Bobby." "I wouldn't have said Rodney was like JR, though!" "A J Arthur, but not a JR !" "(NATIONAL ANTHEM ON TV)" "Rodney's late." "He's probably out getting smashed somewhere." "Families!" "Families!" " Nothing but problems, eh, Albert?" " That's true, son." " Would you like my advice, Del?" " Why not?" "Chuck in your pennyworth." "If you don't take this chance, you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been." "It'll eat away at ya." "I know it'll be tough on young Rodney, but he'll learn to stand on his two feet." "In the long run, this could be the best thing for both of ya!" "Cheers, Al." "Thanks very much." "Perhaps one day you'll try explaining it to Rodney, 'cause you're better at it than me." "I'll phone Jumbo and tell him what time I'll be arriving." "Phoning Australia don't half hurt your finger!" "Hello, Jumbo?" "It's Del Boy." "Eh?" "Well, with your money you ought to have a phone IN the khazi!" "Now, listen, a bit of a problem." "Rodney won't be coming over." "We've got a few snags this end." "Me?" "No, I won't be coming either." "No..." "Well, it's loyalties, innit, family ties and all that." "I know what I am!" "Nah, it's just I'm sorry." "The whole deal's off." "You know it makes sense." "Anyway, thanks very much for the offer." "It was much appreciated." "Yeah, see you around, pal." "Cheers." "Well, I'm glad my advice helped!" "What else could I do?" "I suppose it'll be for the best in the end." "You happy now, son?" "I am in a way, I suppose." "It's like a big weight's been removed from me shoulders." "Well, I suppose that's something." "Well...see you in the morning, son." "Goodnight." "Goodnight, Unc." "All right?" "Oh, yeah, brill!" "Um..." "I owe you an apology, Del." "All them things I said - I was right out of order." "And, um..." "Look, you've gotta take that opportunity." "Too late now." "I've already phoned Jumbo to tell him the whole deal's off." "You ain't!" "Because of what I said?" "Well, yeah, in a way, Rodney, in a way." "Because you said the real opportunity lies here, didn't ya?" "The country's in a bad way, money's tight, people are looking for bargains." "And who do they turn to, you know, first?" " Blokes like us." " Yes!" "Blokes like us!" "I was sitting there and I thought," ""Rodney has hit the nail right on the head!" "This wonderful land of ours" ""is on the eve of a golden age" ""of the black market!"" "And you and me, we're gonna be in there first!" "I'm glad I listened to you, Rodney, 'cause if I'd taken that chance of a lifetime, it could have ruined me." " So we're still partners, then?" " Yeah, if you'll have me back." "Oh, well, let me sleep on it, eh?" "I'll smack you in the nose, you saucy sod!" "Hey, Del, this time next year, eh?" "Yeah, this time next year, eh?" "I'll see ya in the morning, then." "Yeah, see you." " Del..." " Hmm?" "Um...you know." "Yeah, I know, bruv." "This time next year..." "(FALTERING VOICE) # Who wants to be a millionaire?" "#" "(I do!" ")" "# We've got some half-priced cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street, Hooky Street... #"