"* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear this same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang m'lord?" "* Stepping out, on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Saucy flappers in cloche hats" "* Natty chappies in white spats" "* The upper set is going bats *" "You rang, m'lord?" "Oh, Ivy, that tray's for the guest room, the one with two cups on." " It's for Sir Ralph and Lady Agatha." " Yes, Mrs Lipton." "Now, that's for Miss Cissy, and that's for Miss Poppy..." "I can't see them drinking it." "Must've been four o'clock when they first got in." "Banging car doors, and laughing something awful, it woke me up." "How much longer is Sir Ralph going to stay?" "Well, the doctor said three days at least." "He thinks it might be his heart." "It was really nice of Lady Agatha to come and stay so she could look after him, wasn't it?" " Morning, Mrs Lipton." " Morning." "Oh, Mr Twelvetrees, there's a note for you." "I think it's in Miss Poppy's handwriting." "A note from the daughter of the house to the footman?" " Could it be a love poem?" " That's not very funny, Mr Stokes." "Oh!" "A pound note." "Could it be for services rendered?" "At this moment, you are that far away from being knocked to the ground." "All right, then, what's she say?" "They brought the car back late last night with a puncture." "She wants me to change the tyre and get it mended before his lordship finds out." "Good." "Get on with it." "I don't know anything about changing tyres." "Then I'll give you your first lesson." "They're a pound each." "Ivy, you'll have to take the tea in." "Henry, what are you doing?" "I'm cleaning six pairs of shoes." " Help Ivy to take the morning tea up." " Yes, Mr Stokes." "Ivy, put the trays in the lift." " Yes, Mrs Lipton." " Henry, what are you doing?" "I'm putting the shoes in, so they can go up as well." "But you can't put dirty shoes in with the tea!" "They're not dirty, I just cleaned them." " I'll put the rest in, you two go upstairs." " Yes, Mrs Lipton." "Mabel, where have you been?" "You're a quarter of an hour late." "I'm sorry, Mrs Lipton, a horse dropped down dead right in front of us." "Poor thing!" "Nobody bothered." "That's what'll happen to me one of these days." "I'll fall down dead right in front of that sink, nobody'll care." "That's all very sad, but I'm going to deduct three farthings from your wages." "And if you don't get upstairs and do that hall, it'll be a penny ha'penny." "I'm on my way!" "That's his lordship's - one cup." "And that's Sir Ralph's - two cups." "(Piercing whistle)" "Mrs Lipton!" "Mrs Lipton!" " Yes, Ivy?" " Send up the next lot." "All right, Ivy." "Mr Stokes always takes his lordship's tea." "Do you think he'll mind me seeing him in his pyjamas?" "Just go in on tiptoe and put it down." "Yes, I'll do that." "It's a good idea." "He might not even notice." " George!" "George!" " Hmm?" "I've got to go!" "I think we've overslept." "Oh, good God!" "Has Stokes been in with the tea?" "Not yet." "I hope you gave Ralph a strong sleeping pill." "I gave him two." "See you later." "You know, I feel awful." " This is all wrong." " I thought it went rather well." "Henry, Lady Agatha's in bed with his lordship!" "What am I going to do?" "Take 'em another cup." "Can't do that!" "He mustn't know that I know he's sleeping with Lady Agatha!" "Why not?" "Everyone else does." "Look, I'll take in Sir Ralph's." "'Ere, wait a minute." "What if he wakes up and sees she's not there?" "Oh, I'll tell him she's gone to the bathroom." " Mrs Lipton?" " Yes?" "Do you want to know a secret?" "What?" "His lordship was in bed with Lady Agatha." "That's none of your business, you dirty little beast!" "Mrs Lipton?" "I don't want to hear any more of your filth!" "(Choking)" "Oh, good morning, Ivy." "What a wonderful night's sleep we've had!" "I didn't move a muscle all night!" "Oh, Lord!" "I can hardly lift my head off the pillow." "A good night's rest is the best thing for you." "Agatha, I woke up in the night and you weren't there." "Yes, I was, dear, you were having a nightmare." "(Soft knock on door)" "Morning, Miss Cissy." "Henry!" "Miss Penelope's in bed with Miss Cissy!" "What's wrong with that?" "They're both girls." "Oh, yes, of course!" "Your tea, Miss Poppy." "Leave it there." " Miss Poppy?" " Mm?" "There's two feet next to you on the pillow." " Whose are they?" " I'll just find out." "I think it's Miss Cartwright." "Mm." "That's all right then." "Right, now you know how to mend a tyre." "Is there a cuppa in the pot, Mrs Lipton?" "Help yourself, I've got breakfast to get, and I've got two extra." "Then I've got all those cakes to make for the orphanage." "Have you finished taking up the morning teas, Ivy?" "Well, I'm not sure." "People keep springing up." "What do you mean, Ivy?" "First, I took the tea in to his lordship and Lady Agatha was in bed with him." "Then I took it in to Sir Ralph and Lady Agatha was in bed with him as well." "Then I took the tea in to Miss Cissy and she was in bed with Miss Penelope." "And I took in Miss Poppy's and she was in bed with Miss Cartwright." "Only the wrong way round." "Least said, soonest mended." " Morning, James." " Good morning, m'lord." "Thank you." " Your Times." " Thank you." "I trust you had a good night, sir?" "Yes, a very good night, actually." "You weren't disturbed by the toing and froing?" "I beg your pardon?" "Mrs Lipton informed me that the young people were rather late." "Well, no, I slept like a log." "James, could you leave us alone for a moment?" "Yes, of course, sir." "What on earth's the matter, Teddy?" "We have go to do something about Madge Cartwright." "What do you mean?" "The girls took her out to Ciro's, and when they got back at four o'clock," "I was fast asleep." "And Madge started trying to get at me." "I locked my door but she kept shoving notes under it." "What did they say?" "Good Lord!" "(Tuts)" "Great Scott!" "Phew!" "Obviously she's rather fond of you." "I can't put up with it much longer!" "I might be better off going out to your rubber plantation in Malaya." "I don't think you realise how wealthy she is." "You could live a life of luxury - play golf and idle your time away all day long." "Think what I'd have to go through all night long!" "I like little, delicate, shiny-faced girls." "When Madge touches me, I feel as if I'm under arrest." "Have some grape nuts." "Mabel!" "What on earth do you think you're doing?" "How dare you show your face above stairs after 8:30 in the morning!" "I'm sorry, Mr Twelvetrees, I left me floor cloth." "Well take it and go!" "Been sent out of the room, have you?" "Don't be impertinent!" " Morning, James." " Morning, Miss Poppy." "Have you been sent out of the room for being naughty?" " No, miss." " Of course not." "You're never naughty, are you?" "Unfortunately." "His lordship and Mr Teddy wish to converse in private." "Did you sort Daddy's car out for me, James?" " Yes, miss, it's been attended to." " Thank you, James." "You deserve a great big kiss." "Only I don't want to inflame your passion." " Good morning, Daddy." " Good morning." "Have you finished?" " Yes, of course." " You can come back in, James." "I do wish you wouldn't come down to breakfast half naked." " We were all a bit late." "Did we wake you?" " Good heavens, no." "I slept like a log." " Here's some more hot toast." " Put it on the table, Ivy." " Morning, Daddy!" " Mm, morning!" " Can Penelope have some breakfast?" " Yes, of course." " Got here rather early, hasn't she?" " No, she stayed rather late." " Good morning, George." " How do you do?" " Where did you sleep?" " Where do you think?" "With me, of course - she's my chum." "Have some grape nuts." " Morning, George." " Good heavens!" "Did you sleep with Cissy as well?" " No, she slept with me." " The wrong way round." "Hope you don't mind, we borrowed a pair of your pyjamas." "Course not." "Morning, everybody!" " Morning." " Morning, George." " Why's Madge wearing your pyjamas?" " Poppy lent them to her." "Agatha, how do you know they're George's pyjamas?" "Well, all men's pyjamas look alike, don't they?" "I wouldn't know, darling." "I haven't made a study of them." "How's Sir Ralph this morning?" " He slept like a log." " Yes, everybody slept like a log." " Good morning everyone." " Morning." "Oh, are we having a pyjama party?" "Oh, how exciting!" " Where's the booze?" " Gerry took us all to Ciro's." "It was carnival night, we all had a super time." "Where is Gerry?" "Who did he sleep with?" "Hello, everyone!" "Are we having a pyjama party?" "(Telephone)" "Hello, Sunshine Pantry." "Oh, good morning, Mr Stokes." "I'll be delivering your order of cakes and jam this afternoon." "Good." "Now, you are sure these cakes are fresh, aren't you?" "Fresh?" "The cook's working on them this very minute." "Er..." "I'll need the money for the next delivery in advance." "You will have it ready, won't you?" "Five pounds, in cash." "Oh, of course." "Now, you are sure you can make regular deliveries twice a week?" "You have my word on it." "How are you feeling, Ralph?" "Not too bad." "This is damned awkward for you, having me cooped up here," "I really am awfully sorry." "The doctor said just for a couple of days, to be on the safe side." "It must have been a nasty shock for you, seeing Agatha with that young chap." "Yes." "I've got to tackle Agatha about that." "Oh, there's nothing to worry about, we were both getting upset over nothing." "Why were you getting upset?" "She's my wife." "Yes, of course..." "I was getting upset because...you were getting upset." "You're damned good to me, George, letting me stay here, and getting upset on my behalf." " Who was it?" " Oh, it was absolutely innocent." " He was an insurance salesman." " An insurance salesman?" "Why meet him in the park?" "She didn't want you to know she was taking out an insurance." " What on?" " You." "Good God!" "She's going to poison me!" "I know it!" " Of course she isn't." " You have no idea what she's like!" "I've shut my eyes to so much over the years because I love her so!" "I can't live with her!" "I can't live without her!" "Oh!" "if she wants me to die, so be it!" "I'll go!" "I'll go!" "Come on!" "Have a pill." "Plum, strawberry, raspberry, apricot jam." "Cherry cake, meringues, rum baba, maids of honour, scones." "That's the lot." "You've done a wonderful job, Mrs Lipton." "Well, I've been at it since eight o'clock this morning." "I'd love to see the look on the faces of them starving orphans when they see all this!" "So would I." "Well, when Mr Stokes told me about those poor little mites, just having a few crusts of bread and marge for their tea..." "Well, I could have cried." "If they scoff that lot, they'll all be sick." "You're quite right, Henry." "If they are starving, as you say, would it not be more sensible to send them plain food, such as Irish stew?" "Oh yes, they'd love that, wouldn't they, Mr Stokes?" "Yes, that's a good idea, I must say!" "Er..." "I'll have a word with the cook at number 14, we've all got to pull together in these hard times, and share the load." "Can I take a pot of the jam?" "No, Mabel, you get quite enough as it is." "Right, Ivy, Mabel, Henry, into the Rolls with it all." "You're not taking his lordship's Rolls-Royce?" "I've got his permission." " Good afternoon, all." " (All) Afternoon." "Any chance of a nice cup of tea...?" "Good heavens!" "What's happening?" "Oh, this is going to the orphanage." "What, rum babas and meringues?" "Didn't get rum babas and meringues when I was an orphan." "Well, you were in the wrong orphanage." " Where is it?" " Just over Battersea Bridge." "I know Battersea like the back of me hand." "I can't place it." "Yeah, well it's, er, er..." "it's round a few back streets." " I'll come with you." " What for?" " To help you unload." " There's no need, the orphans'll do it." "Come on." "I was born in Battersea." "I can't think of any orphanage." " There's the Dogs' Home." " Perhaps they started taking in kids." "'Ere you, come 'ere." " Can you read?" " Course I can." " Do you know that street?" " Yeah, that's where the toffs live." " You want to earn tuppence?" " How?" "Come to that address, tradesman's entrance," "Saturday lunchtime, and ask for me." "I'll take you into the kitchen to see a nice lady, and this is what you have to say " ""We are poor orphans from the orphanage" ""and we'd like to thank Mrs Lipton for the cakes and jam."" " Can you do that?" " (Both) Yes." " Try it." " (All) We are poor orphans from the orphanage, and we'd like to thank you, Mrs Lipton, for the cakes and jam." "Good." "Now, wear old, ragged clothes, dirty your faces and take your shoes off." "Yes, mister." "When do we get the tuppence?" "When you've done it." "Now, try it again, but this time cringe and whine." "(All) We are poor orphans from the orphanage and we'd like to thank you, Mrs Lipton, for the cakes and jam." "Wonderful!" " Tea." " Thank you." "Daddy's got a damn cheek." "I've just had a ticking off in the drawing room." " What about?" " Penelope." "I ask you, what is wrong with putting one's chums up for the night?" "He ticked me off for sleeping with Madge Cartwright." "She's not even my chum." "I got ticked off for not sleeping with Madge Cartwright." "What are you going to do about her, Teddy?" "Oh, I don't know." "Just think of the money Madge has got." "You could do exciting things with her." "I don't want to do exciting things with her." "I want to do them with Rose." "Whatever's the matter with this family." "Why can't we be normal?" "What exactly do you mean by that?" "Well, there's Uncle Teddy carrying on with Rose, the maid." "There's Daddy carrying on with Sir Ralph's wife." "Then there's you." "Might I assure you that I am completely normal." "Then what do you and Penelope get up to at the Boot and Breeches Club?" "And what do you get up to with James the footman?" "I just tease him, that's all." "Well, at least he's not married." "Well, neither is little Rose." "That Agatha, she can twist Daddy round her little finger." "She used a damn sight more than her little finger last night." "If Daddy wants to be a governor at the BBC, he can't afford any breath of scandal." "You're right." "I've been thinking about it." "I'm going to talk to him." "Man to man?" "Ah, there you are, Ivy." "This is for Sir Ralph." "Calf's foot jelly, egg custard and some burgundy." "Mm." "Well, he'll be glad of something, he hasn't eaten all day." "Well, off you go then." "Mind you don't spill it." "Oh, and make sure he takes his pills." " Funny sort of meal." " Well, it's what the doctor ordered." "It's all full of iron." "The doctor said I ought to have more iron but I can't afford Burgundy." "Well, go and suck the poker." "The empty boxes are in the car." "Henry, Mabel, go and bring them in for me." "We'll need 'em for the next time." " You look happy, Mr Stokes." " Of course I'm happy, you should've seen the look on the faces of those orphans." " Oh!" " I tell you, I was moved." "I couldn't speak." "Now, Blanche, there's another fiver towards what I owe you." "Where's all this money coming from, Alf?" "Well, a few years ago, I won a lot of money on the horses and the bookie welshed on me." "Now he's paying me a bit at a time." "It's lucky for me, isn't it?" "It's a lucky streak, the wife's coming to see you on Sunday about the divorce." " So all your troubles'll be over." " Oh!" "So this brass ring will suddenly turn to gold!" "(Both chuckle)" "(Hums cheery tune)" "(Whispers) Ethel!" "Psst!" "Come in quickly!" "I can't stay, I've got to take this in." "Ooh!" "How lovely!" "Ooh!" "Calf's foot jelly!" "It's all wobbly!" " Lady Lavender!" "Don't!" " And egg custard!" "It's not for you, Lady Lavender, you mustn't throw other people's food at me." "You must only throw your own." "Pity." "Now, listen." "I want you to take this note to Captain Dolby." " Who?" " My fiancé." "George has drugged him and locked him in the guest room to stop us getting married." "No, it's Sir Ralph in the guest room." "No, he's just calling himself that." "It's Captain Dolby all right," "I peeped in and saw him lying there." "No, it really is Sir Ralph, he's staying here with his wife." "Do you mean to tell me he's a bigamist?" "Oh, how could he do this to me?" "Take that note to him and tell him I'm very cross with him." "Yes, Lady Lavender." "(Sighs)" "I expect he was tricked into marriage." "Well, I must go and pack my things and then we can both fly away together." "(Parrot) Fly, fly, fly!" "Not with you, you fool, with Captain Dolby." "(Caws despondently)" "Hm." "What are you painting your face for?" "Where are you going?" "I'll just pop downstairs and ask George to give me a little whisky for you." "Daddy always used to take it, it's good for the arteries." "I don't want it!" "(Knock on door)" "Ah, here's Ivy." "She's brought you some food." " I don't want it!" " Oh, don't be difficult, Ralph," "I'll be back in a minute." "See that he eats it, Ivy, and make sure he takes his pills." "Hm." "Here you are, then." "Mrs Lipton's made it all special." "Oh!" " Um, has my wife touched this?" " No." "No." "Sit down." " You what?" " Sit down, sit, sit, sit, sit!" " Taste that." " But it's for you!" "Go on, taste it." "Taste it." " What's it like, is it bitter?" " No." " What's it taste of?" " Calves' feet." "Taste the custard." "Go on, taste." "Is that bitter?" "No, it's lovely and sweet." " Is your mouth all burning?" " Of course not, it's cold." " Do you feel dizzy?" " No." "It'll be in the wine." " Taste the wine." " I don't drink wine." "Taste the wine, girl!" "Take a gulp, take a proper gulp, go on, gulp, gulp!" " Is that bitter?" "What's it taste of?" " lron filings and blackcurrants." " Oh, that's all right, then." "I'm starving!" " Now, you must take your pill." "No, you take one." " They're for you!" " I'll take one if you do." " But I don't need one." " Take it girl!" "Oh." "Now, put your tongue out." " Where's James?" " In the dining room, setting the table." "He'll need those side plates." "Ah, James, would you be a dear and pour me a little whisky for Sir Ralph?" " It'll be good for his heart." " Of course, m'lady." " How is Sir Ralph?" " Quite well, thank you, James." "The pills are making him rather drowsy but that's a good thing." "It stops him from getting excited." "He's no longer a young man, you know." "He seems very active for a man of his years." "Oh, yes, he is - terribly active." "But he shouldn't be." "He does far too much." "And too often." "We really need a younger man in the household, someone strong and capable, to take care of him - physically." "How much do they pay you here?" "I am adequately rewarded, m'lady." "Well, if ever you fancy, shall we say, a different position, don't hesitate to get in touch with me." "Strong arms like yours are just what we need in the household." "Think it over." "I'm sure I can improve on anything you get here." "Sit down, Daddy." "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you." "I'm listening." "Nobody else is going to say this to you, but we can't all sit around and watch while you make a complete ass of yourself." " What are you talking about?" " Agatha." "You're obviously absolutely obsessed with her and quite frankly, she's had a rather shady past - and pretty murky present." "What are you saying?" "Well, you know why she married Ralph, don't you?" " Yes, I expect she fell in love with him." " Oh, rubbish!" "It was those Eton boys." "What Eton boys?" "Surely you know all about that business when she was assistant matron?" "And the jujitsu lessons?" "In the sanatorium?" "I certainly don't!" "It was all hushed up at the time, because there were six of them, all prefects." "And one of them was related to the king of Norway." "Daddy, this is the jolly limit!" "I've just seen your friend Agatha trying to seduce the footman!" "Good God!" "Six prefects, an insurance salesman, now a footman!" "I can't believe it!" " What am I going to do?" " Well, if you ask me, you're the one that ought to go to Malaya!" " Are you going to take it?" " Take what?" " The job." " What job?" " With Lady Agatha." " What do you know about that?" " She didn't offer it to you, did she?" " I was in the kitchen, loading the lift." "You two were standing by it, I couldn't help overhearing." "(Mimics) I need someone strong... like you... to take care of things... physically..." " You heard all that?" " Every word." " Did Mrs Lipton hear?" " No, she didn't have her head up the lift." "I don't know what they all see in you, James Twelvetrees." "I suppose you're well-built, a good-looking fella." "They don't know, of course, that you're boring and pompous." "But they don't want you for your conversation." "I can assure you, they get no encouragement from me!" "That's where you're making a big mistake." "You've got a fortune at your fingertips." "To put it politely." "Don't keep walking away when I'm talking to you." "I am trying to lay this table!" "I don't want to hear any more of your filth!" "I'm not being filthy - everybody does it, that's why they're all here." "I'll tell you what - we'll pool our money, send you to a good tailor, have some cards printed with a photograph of you in a leopardskin." "Like Tarzan." "Then circulate them and wait for posh ladies to queue up." "Then we'll go 50/50." "Alf Stokes, shall I tell you my dearest wish?" "It is to see his lordship kick you down the front steps, throw your suitcase after you and slam the door." "That would make me very, very happy." "And I'm going to do everything in my power to make it happen quickly." "All right, then, 60/40 to you." "Why do you keep walking away when I'm talking to you?" "Captain Dolby, it's me, Little Lavender." "I've come to help you to escape." "Ethel!" "You brazen hussy!" "How dare you sleep with my fiancé!" "(Groans)" " Leave me alone, I want to sleep." " You Jezebel!" " I'm not, I'm the maid." " Oh!" "Oh, that's all right." "Every young man must sow his wild oats." "Wake up, Captain Dolby, we are going to elope!" "Help me to get him dressed, Ethel, give me his trousers." "Now, come along, Captain Dolby, let's have those pyjamas off!" "Leave me alone!" " Don't fight me!" " He's very sensitive about his trousers." "I'll get him dressed." "You go to my room and get the parrot." "Parrot?" "I can't go without Captain." "I'll go and get the parrot." "Now, come along, Captain Dolby, you can't get married in pyjamas - not in church." "Why does everybody in this house want to take off my trousers?" "(Groans)" "(Parrot) Come in, shut up, come in." "Lady Lavender wants you to elope with her." "Have you got a cage?" "We need a case to put you in and you can't go without your trousers." " Have you got a hat?" " I don't know." " I want to sleep." " Sleep?" "Sleep?" "We're off on our honeymoon!" "I do hope you're not going to disappoint me." "Oh, here, girl, take the other arm." "Where's the parrot?" "I couldn't find a cage, so I've got him in here." "I see." "Are you all right, Captain?" "(Parrot) Come in, shut up, come in." "Let's get him downstairs as quietly as we can." "You see, Agatha, my brother just doesn't understand." "I don't love Madge Cartwright, I love her maid, Rose." "I want to marry her." "According to George, you claim to be madly in love with lots and lots of servant girls." "Ah, but Rose is different." "Such a pity - you're so terribly attractive." "Oh..." "Oh, thank you very much." "Tell me, Teddy, does it have to be a real servant girl, or could someone or other..." "dress up as a servant girl?" "Good Lord!" "What are you suggesting?" "Well, nothing, darling." "I'm curious." "It was just an idea." " Where are we going?" " To paradise, my darling." "I'm very tired." "Is it far?" "It's a little place I know in Bognor Regis." "(Parrot squawks)" "(Parrot) Silly old bag!" "Silly old bag!" "It's no good, I can't go any further." "Neither can I." "(Bell)" "That'll be the groom with the horses." "Hello!" "Where are the horses?" "Oh, I'm awfully sorry, I thought they said we were going to play tennis." "Oh, I say!" "Another party!" "By Jove, you jolly well go the pace in this house!" ""Let him, amongst few, that is without sin," ""cast the first stone." ""Here endeth the second lesson."" "(Knock on door)" " Your coat, sir." " Ah!" "Thank you, Stokes." "Thank you." "Aren't you going to church?" "No, sir." "Much as I would like, I'm staying to look after Sir Ralph." "I just left him." "He's comfortable." " Tell the girls it's time we were going." " Very good, sir." "(Door closes)" "The doctor says he can go at tea time, so we won't even have one more night together, George." "That's just as well." "It's over, Agatha." "Having Ralph here has made me realise what we've been doing is wrong." "Desperately wrong." "Oh, George, you're not going to go all righteous just because it's Sunday morning?" "It's all very well for you - you're more used to it than I am." "What do you mean?" "Everybody knows about these six Eton boys except me." "Oh, George!" "It was all jealous gossip." "And anyhow, there were only four." "We've got to stop - now." "We must say goodbye, go to church, come back, have some lunch, and then never see each other again." "So it's goodbye?" "Now?" "It has to be, Agatha." "Just give me one last kiss, to remember you by." "(Moans)" "(Moaning continues)" "Oh!" "Do you still want us to part forever?" "Stay to tea and we'll talk about it." " Are you ready, Daddy?" " We've been ready ages." "You walk with me, Agatha." "Daddy, have you told her you've finished with her?" "Very nearly." " Good morning, Mrs Lipton." " Good morning, Constable Wilson." "I saw Ivy and James and Henry going to church 20 minutes ago," "I wondered why you weren't with 'em." "Oh, I'm not going to church today." "Not poorly, I hope?" "Oh, no, no, I'm quite all right, thank you, Constable, I, er..." "I'm expecting an important visitor." "Yes, Mr Stokes is standing in the drive, I thought he was waiting for someone." "That's a nice bit of sirloin there." "Yes, it'll be going in in a minute." "Will you be coming back at lunch time?" "Not today, Mrs Lipton, no." "I fancy a bit of pork this week." "She's got it at number eight." "And she's a dab hand with her crackling." "Number six is doing lamb but it looked a bit scraggy." "(Whispers) Come on, Myrtle!" "Come on, hurry up!" "You're ever so late, they left for church ages ago." "I nearly didn't come at all." "I'm ever so nervous, Alf." "There's nothing to it, Myrtle." "You're supposed to be my wife, you left me 25 years ago to join the circus." "No matter what she says and no matter what I say, you say you won't divorce me." "Oh, I don't think I can carry it off, Alf." "After all the years you've been in music hall?" "Well, that's different." "But you were a great little actress, Myrtle." "Look at your performance when I threw knives at you." "The audience thought you were terrified." "I was." "Look, leave all the talking to me." "Come on, we haven't got much time." " Still here, Constable?" " He's just going." "Oh, yes, I see." "Oh, this is a friend of mine, Myrtle." "Morning." "Well, I'll be off then." "Didn't I see you night before last at the Chelsea Palace?" "In the cabinet with the knives?" "No, no, no, that was somebody else altogether." "Yes." "Course." "Blanche, this is Myrtle." "Myrtle, Blanche." "How do you do?" " Er, you'd better sit down." " Yes, sit down, Myrtle." "Jasper Lamonte and his immaculate Magic, it was." "Just like you." "Not much of an act." "I've just made tea, I expect you'd like a cup." "I'll get the cups." "Have you come far, Mrs Stokes?" " Mrs Stokes?" " Eh?" "Oh!" ", Oh, I'm sorry." " Call her Myrtle." " Yes, call me Myrtle." "Well, have you come far, Myrtle?" " Manchester." " Newcastle." "Er, Manchester and Newcastle, they do a lot of one-night stands." "It's a very hard life in the circus." "Well, I must say I'm very glad to see you at last." "To tell you the truth, I was beginning to wonder if there really was a Mrs Stokes." "I had a nasty suspicion that Alf made you up to avoid marrying me." "Oh, I'm real all right." "What do you do in the circus?" "I'm the lion tamer." " (Mouths)" " A lion tamer?" "Yes, I'm the only lady lion tamer in the business." "Yes, I come into the ring, with all my lions, and I wave to the crowd, and then I crack the great big whip and all the lions cower, because they're frightened of me, and I work with monkeys too." "But Alf told me you were a trapeze artist." "Well, they have to do everything in this circus - trapeze, lion taming, juggling, you name it." " You juggle as well?" " Ooh, yes, all the time!" "I never stop!" "I see." "Well, now, let's get down to brass tacks." "Why won't you give Alf a divorce?" "Because I love him." "I always have loved him." "I always will." "But you left him after you'd only been married a year and ran off with the ringmaster." " Did I?" " She's always had a rotten memory." "So why do you cling to him?" "Well, you haven't seen him for 25 years." "I ring him up, he's always in my thoughts." "Now see here - your husband has made certain promises to me..." "He does that all the time." "And he has taken certain liberties." "He does that all the time an' all." " Does he indeed?" " Now, that's not fair, Myrtle." "No?" "Well..." "What about the time I caught you in bed with the tattooed lady and you said you were only looking at the pictures?" "Then there was that usherette, ooh, and that tart who did the turn with the python and the crocodile." "Then there was Lucinda and her Liberty Horses." "Ooh, he's a real rascal, Mrs Lipton." "I'm not going to divorce him and then he can't do it to no one else." "I will not hear another word of this travesty of lies." "Just to hear you say you won't divorce me is more than enough." "I won't divorce you." "You have ruined this poor woman's life." "Get out and never let me see you again." "Yes, well, it's about time I was off." "I will not divorce him!" "(Mouths)" "You see what I'm up against, Blanche?" "It's hopeless." "You little worm!" "Blanche, you've gone and cracked my skull!" "I'll crack your skull for you, Alf Stokes!" "Oh, now, just a minute, Blanche." "Hear me out." " Wait, wait, wait." " Liar!" "Liar!" "Liar!" "Liar!" "Steady on, Blanche!" "Don't do anything you'll regret!" "Lion tamer!" "Tattooed lady!" "Juggler!" " Whatever's that noise?" " Well, it sounds like breaking crockery." "Oooh!" " Whatever's happening?" " Mrs Lipton's just had a bit of bad news." " Can't you calm her down?" " I don't think I'm the right person." "(Crashing stops)" "I think she's run out of plates." "I can't go on!" "I'll kill myself!" "Ivy, get some brandy." "Was it Mr Stokes, what did he do to you?" "I..." "I..." "I loved him." "I wanted to marry him." "But he's married already." "I know, I know." "And his wife won't divorce him." "You're all witnesses." "I've tried to do right by this good woman but I am a victim of circumstances over which I have no control." "There's half a dozen kids outside, wanna see the fat man." "(All) We are poor orphans from the orphanage and we'd like to thank you, Mrs Laston, for the cakes and jam." "Sorry we couldn't come Saturday, mister." "There's six of us, can we have tuppence each?" "(Mrs Lipton screams)" "Ripped by malgabo Sync by sutyiboy" "* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear this same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* That give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Talking flicks are here today" "* And Lindbherg's from the USA" "* Poor Valentino's passed away... *" "How sad, m'lord."