"A PORNOGRAPHIC AFFAIR" "It was a pornographic affair." "That's it..." "A purely and expressly pornographic affair." "That's pornography:" "it's sex, nothing but sex, only sex..." "We were there just for sex." "Well, a special kind of sex..." "I had this fantasy that I wanted to carry out." "People have fantasies but they often remain fantasies like, I don't know..." "Many women have gang-bang fantasies." "But no one wants to be raped by half a dozen fat truckers..." "A fantasy like that stays a fantasy." "This was different." "It was a fantasy that I wanted to carry out." "That I needed to carry out." "It's a souvenir." "You wrapped it in plastic?" "Yes, that way, it won't get damaged." "I like to keep souvenirs." "I'm pretty romantic, I guess." "After all..." "It was in that magazine that..." "I found her ad." "Do you buy it regularly?" "I used to buy it from time to time..." "There are a lot of... stories or articles... on my tastes." "This is the issue where I found her ad." "I'd often wanted to try it but my partners had never agreed." "When I ended up single again, with no one in sight, I thought why not carry this fantasy out once and for all." "Just to be rid of it..." "No..." "Not to be rid of it." "I still have it but... it's less compelling." "If the chance arose, I'd do it again." "But it's less compelling." "Where did you contact him?" "On-line." "On-line?" "Do you remember the site?" "Had you ever answered an ad before that?" "Never." "And since?" "Definitely not!" "How do you go about answering an ad?" "Very simply." "I sent a letter with a photo." "She answered and we arranged to meet." "Where?" "In a bar." "Yes... in a bar." "We met in a bar." "When he arrived, I knew it was him." "He was different from what I expected." "But I wasn't disappointed." "Did you find him attractive?" "Not immediately." "But even so..." "He was smiling." "He has a lovely smile." "His eyes crinkle up and his whole face seems to smile." "He's handsome when he smiles." "I like real women." "I found her attractive on her photo." "Identity photos aren't flattering but..." "I don't know..." "She had something." "Her expression held something special." "You'd never seen him?" "No, never." "Not even a photo?" "It was the first time?" "It was the first time." "You didn't exchange photos?" "No." "Do people do that?" "Yes..." "Well, I think so." "We just described ourselves physically." "I tried to describe all my faults... to be honest." "I imagined you taller." " Why?" " I don't know." "How tall are you?" "Five foot six." "Am I too short?" "Five foot six isn't short..." "No, I don't mind." "Want a drink before we..." "I've booked a room in a nice hotel just around the corner." "Do you mind?" "Me booking a room?" "No, not at all." "You've finished your coffee?" "You'll scald yourself." "No, it was cold." "A cognac." "What about you?" "Another coffee." "A decaf rather." "No, tea." "Tea." "You already booked a room?" "You may not like me..." "It's too late." "I already like you." "But..." " You?" " What about me?" "Are you all right?" "Do I look ill?" "No, I meant..." "Maybe you don't like me..." "I like you." "You don't have to." "I'd understand." "It's happened to me." "What?" "You've done this before?" "You've met men through ads to..." "No, I mean I've met men I liked..." "Well, I thought I did, then realized I didn't." "I didn't like them at all." "It's funny." "When I was young, 18 or 20..." "I wanted to go out with a guy with hair." " What?" " A hairy man." "I'd only ever met guys with no hair on their chest or legs..." "Then I met a man, an Italian I think..." "Are you Italian?" "I'm Spanish." "Really?" "Anyway, he had very dark hair, like you, and I imagined his hairy chest and legs." "I wondered what it would be like, if it would tickle or not..." "Then, one night we started doing it and I saw he had no hair!" "Not on his legs and chest anyway." "I felt I'd been had!" "I couldn't do it." "It was over." "Still..." "I was young at the time." "Are you hairy?" "Yes, kind of." "It's not vital." "It's fine without too." "I'm hairy." "Fine, fine..." "Well?" "Well what?" "Okay?" "Are you ready to..." "Right away?" "To the hotel?" "Finish your cognac..." "No, no, it doesn't matter." "Let's go." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Let's go." "How was it?" "It was..." "How can I put it?" "It was good." "Yes..." "Good." "It was..." "A bit disappointing, too." "It was good." "Very, very, very good." "What did you do exactly?" "This thing you did together, what was it?" "Why won't you reply?" "Out of modesty?" "No, it's not a question of modesty, it's not that." "Look, at my age, I can talk freely about sex, but that..." "What?" "You don't dare?" "It's no use insisting." "Really." "What happened afterwards?" "Afterwards..." "We left the room and, in the doorway, we decided when we'd meet again." "We left the hotel." "As quickly as possible." "We didn't feel guilty." "We just wanted to be out in the open." "Outside the hotel, we arranged to meet the following week." "Sorry, I got held up." "Traffic." "That's okay." "It's usually women who are late." "That's the cliché." "Hello." "Oh, yes, hello." "It's men who forget to say hello, good-bye and thank you." "That's the cliché." "What was the second time like?" "I can't remember now..." "Good, I guess." "Only good?" "I can't remember." "It had to be better than the first time." "Experience, see..." "But also not as good." "It wasn't so new." "I can't remember because the memory has been erased by what happened afterwards when we said good-bye." "What was it he said?" "One sentence?" "Two sentences?" "Well, it was those words that he said, those few words, that started it all." "But I didn't realize at the time." "What if..." "What if what?" "I don't know, we could have a drink." "Now?" "Yes." "To talk." "To chat a little." "I can't now." "I have to see someone." "Later then?" "This evening?" "This evening?" "I'm free." "I'II take you to dinner." "There's a nice restaurant nearby." "If you want to..." "In fact, we should have met in a hotel room and never speak, even outside." "But there we were..." "We were so comfortable together." "I felt I'd known him forever." "There were no problems of a seductive or sexual nature." "We were over that." "I'd never felt that relaxed with a man." "Other men can be aggressive or come on to you..." "They're never really honest." "We women do the same." "But he and I talked openly." "Was she married?" "Had she been married?" "I don't know." "Maybe she had children." "Her body was still very beautiful." "The body of a woman who had been pregnant or who could have been." "Twice even." "What if we went back?" " Where?" " To the hotel." "We could start again." " You want to?" " Yes, I want to." "We're not so young." "Do you ache too?" "No, I'm not aching..." "I'm crushed." "My thighs hurt most." "And you?" "The small of my back." "We'll be stiff tomorrow." "But it was good." "Yes, very good." "Twice a day should be for special occasions." "I'II drive you home." " It's late for a metro." " I'll get a cab." "I can give you a lift." "No, I'll get a cab." "It's better." "Yes." "As you wish." "You wanted a cab, right?" "It's too sudden?" "I can send it away." "No, I have to go anyway." " See you next week." " Thursday?" "Thursday." "The cab's waiting." "You're a decent man." "Do you know that?" "Thank you." "You could have been..." "I don't know..." "I wouldn't have minded..." "I wasn't looking for someone... in particular." "It would have suited me in fact to find someone for something purely sexual." "You'd have preferred it to be purely sexual between us?" "There's a legend from Kabylie." "Adam and Eve didn't meet the way we say they did." "When they met, they were naked and they had arrived in a world that was covered with snow." "Eve was walking in the snow, crunching her way along, when all of a sudden, she found Adam standing there naked." "She was so scared, she backed away and fell on her backside in the snow." "Her backside got really cold and turned bright red." "So Adam started rubbing her backside." "That's how the world came about." "He got turned on and they made a baby." "You're kidding?" "There was an implicit rule from the word go:" "no mention of our lives." "Or what we usually call our lives:" "age, name, profession." "We did without all that." "None of it really mattered." "It wasn't a conscious decision." "It just happened." "Monday week?" "Yes, I still have rooms." "It lasted... six months." "Yes, six months." "We met for three or four months, once or twice a week." "Monday week, no problem." "We'd see each other every two weeks or so." "On Tuesdays." "Or sometimes Thursdays." "It depended." "You didn't tire of it?" "No." "I'II never tire of it." "It was good." "Good isn't the word." "It was good, yes." "But something was happening." "I was getting used to her." "At first, I found her beautiful." "Then I started seeing her faults." "But then those faults vanished." "Her beauty vanished." "I was getting used to her... to her face, her body and her voice." "A man is strange..." "I mean..." "A man looking at you... desiring you..." "You feel his desire." "You also feel..." "And this is the strangest part..." "You also feel you desire him, at the same time." "That's disturbing." "Shall we go?" "Let's go." "What if..." "Yes?" "What if we made love?" "We do already..." "I mean, make love normally." "You mean..." "Normally." "The missionary position?" "No, I don't like being underneath." "I'd rather dominate." "Dominate... that's so negative." "I mean..." "You see what I mean?" "Do you mind being underneath?" "You want to?" "Why not?" "Okay?" "I'm like a cat on hot tiles..." "No, you don't say that, it's a cat on a hot tin roof." "Me too." "I'm really turned on." "You are..." "Very turned on indeed." "As usual." "Bigger than usual..." "I don't think so." "I'II bring a tape-measure next time." "Do you mind if I talk?" "Because I really like talking." "That bothers some guys." "Talking turns me on." "Talking about sex..." "But not only." "Could you move?" "Your hips." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I was a bit..." "A bit what?" "Surprised." "By what?" "I never imagined it like this." "How did you imagine it?" "I didn't." "I never imagined myself doing this with you." "We're pretty daring." "It's terrible." "It almost disgusts me." "It's even better when it almost disgusts you." "Not completely but almost." "When it's on the verge of the unbearable..." "It's like making love when you're tired." "Ever done that?" "You're about to doze off and you do it anyway." "You excite each other and bring sleep on." "Wait..." "Wait." "Stop." " Stop talking?" " No, stop moving." " Does it hurt?" " Far from it." "I'II come if you keep moving." "Already?" "I'm too turned on." "I need to think of something else." "Have you known a lot of guys?" "Biblically?" "Yes, biblically, let's say." "Would you mind if I had?" "No..." "I'd be glad." "Glad?" "Why glad?" "For experience." "I was single for a year once too." "Not quite a year." "But I've known a few men." "Different men." "I don't go for one type, I like all kinds of men." " Ready to start again?" " Not yet, please." "Okay..." "There was a guy at university..." "He'd look at his watch when we made love, just a quick look." "You notice that kind of thing in bed." "So I asked if he had a date after." " Know what he said?" " No." "He told me that he'd read in a book or a magazine that 80% of women climaxed after 20minutes." "He was trying to last." "That's sweet." "Ready now?" "Gently." "Gently, like this?" "Did he last 20 minutes?" "I can't remember." " Can we go under the sheets?" " Why?" "Please..." "Why?" "I don't want you to see me when I come." "I grimace..." "Everyone does." "It's beautiful." "No, it's horrible." " I've seen you come before." " This is different." " We're really making love." " So?" "Come on, please..." "If you want." "It was my first simultaneous orgasm." "I'm not sure it's as good as they say." "It's like an ordinary orgasm..." "In movies, people climax together, more or less." "You know, sex in movies is... either hell or heaven but never between the two." "In life it's often between the two." "But with him it was perfect." "Total osmosis." "I'm sorry." "It doesn't matter." "That never happened before." " Was it my fault?" " Your fault?" "Because I wanted to go under the sheets?" "No, that's got nothing to do with it." "Did I talk too much?" "It doesn't matter, it was good anyway." "Right?" "That's what ruined it." "It was too nice." "I felt too good." "I'm sorry." "What's the matter?" "What is it?" "Is something wrong?" "No, it's okay." " You want to..." " Leave me!" "Sorry, I have to go." "It's nothing serious." "You're sure?" "I'll be okay, really." "I'm going now." "See you Thursday." "I didn't know why I was crying." "Something came over me, all of a sudden." "I wasn't particular sad." "I felt lost." "There, all of sudden..." "I no longer knew what to feel." "I was lost." "I was just leaving." "Parking was tough." "I see." "You see what?" "I only said, I see." "Only I see?" "I hate repetition." "I talk a lot but I say things when I think them." "At least it's clear." "More repetition." "What's wrong?" " What do you mean?" " You look..." "You look furious." "I am." "Why?" "It took me 20 minutes to park." "Why did you leave?" "Leave?" "Last time." "You were crying." "So what?" " I was worried." " You're aggressive!" " I'm not aggressive" " You are." "I'm a bit brusque." "I'm sorry." "Forgive me." "Shall we go?" "What shall we do?" "Leave each other?" "Just this once or..." "Or what?" "We stop?" "You want to stop?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "See you Thursday." "Maybe." "Maybe." "If I'm there, I'm there." "Excuse me!" "That's when I realized" "I didn't know her name, her address, her phone number, nothing." "If she didn't come back, I'd lose her." "Why are you in my room?" " Your room?" " Yes, my room!" "What's your room number?" "Yours is 115." "This is 118." "Forgive me." "What's wrong?" "Quick!" "Call reception!" "Sir!" " Sir!" " What's wrong?" "You collapsed." "We're getting an ambulance." "Can you call an ambulance?" "A man has collapsed." "Try to stay calm." "I've been killing her for forty years." "Tell them... not to call my wife." "I can't stand my wife." "Try to stay calm, please." "Promise me!" "Promise..." "We promise." "What are you doing?" "What is that?" "His ring." "The old man's ring." "He gave it to me." "He didn't want anyone to know he was married." "He didn't want anyone to call his wife." "He gave it to me." "You kept it?" "Why?" "Because it was a sign." "Can we go with him?" " Are you family?" " No." "Sorry." " Which hospital?" " Salpátriare." "Where's your car?" " Why?" " To go to the hospital." " You want to go?" " We promised." "Mr Lignaux, in intensive care." "Room six." " You mustn't call his wife." " Too late." "What do you mean?" "The ambulance men found his identity papers." "I called his home." "We always do." "His wife just arrived." "Mrs Lignaux?" "Hello..." "We're so sorry." "We found your husband." "I don't need his presence." "I just need to know he's alive somewhere, anywhere." "Anywhere in the world." "That's enough." "He left me, you know." "He was fickle." "He always ran after other women." "Little sluts." "Whores as a matter of fact!" "I don't hold it against him, I never have done." "I knew he'd always come back to me." "And now he's going..." "He'll never come back." "I can't take that." "It's too hard." "You don't know what it's like." "I hope you will, it's important." "It's hard because you sacrifice your life for someone, so when that person's no longer there, you have nothing left." "You may as well kill yourself." "Come on..." "I won't panic, I won't tremble." "It'll be easy." "It'll be hard to be without him, even for a few hours." "That'll be hard." "I'II have to do it soon." "Thank you for all your help." "Go now." "Go home." "Leave me alone." "I need to be alone." "That was the only outside incident we had." "I mean the only thing that neither of us had decided." "No, I felt it wasn't a chance event." "It meant something." "See you Thursday?" "Think she'll do it?" "Do what?" "Kill herself?" "I'II be going." "Is the metro still running?" "Yes, it's not very late." "I could give you a lift." "See you Thursday." "Yes, Thursday." "Okay?" "Sorry, I was..." "I was thinking about something." "About what?" "She did it." "Who?" "Who did what?" "That old man's wife." "She killed herself." "You said she wouldn't do it." "I didn't think she would." "I'm too optimistic sometimes." "Things always work out in the end." "I believe that." "But it's not true." "Not always." "I didn't know her." "She seemed insufferable." "Her husband thought so." "Perhaps he was the insufferable one." " We'll never know." " No." " You want a drink?" " Yes, a glass of wine." "I don't want to go to the hotel." "You don't?" "I couldn't do it." "We don't have to." "We do it if we want to." "If we don't want to, we don't." "I want to stay with you." "Whatever..." "Ever declared your love?" "Declared my love?" "Yes, really declared it." "On my knees, hand on my heart?" "No, but you know, telling someone, a woman for instance, that you love her and want to live with her." "Ever done that?" "Not for a long time now." "Since when?" "Ages ago." "At least I think so." "I can't remember." "I still had acne." "Why not since?" "I don't know." "It didn't seem a good way to pick women up." "Declaring your love isn't picking a woman up." "You simply declare your love." "Sometimes you don't want to seduce someone." "Sometimes you're so much in love all you can do is declare your love." "Have you never felt that?" "A feeling so strong you have no choice, you have to declare your love..." "Maybe." "But I've never dared to do it." "Why?" " I was afraid." " What of?" "Ridicule." "Failure." "I love you." "I love you like I've never loved anyone before." "The feeling is so strong that it has to be true." "You see?" "I want to marry you, grow old, wear dentures with you..." "Two sets of dentures, one each..." "I know even that's false." "I know that if I thought calmly, I'd see it's false." "But, right now, I can't think calmly, not even for a second." "I love you, that's all." "Are you crying?" "You are, you're crying." "Okay, I am..." "Forgive me." "I'm touched." "I never would have thought you were so emotive." "Does a man crying bother you?" "I find it touching, in fact." "There'll be other things." "What other things?" "Things you'll find out about me that you don't know yet." "Things that may disturb you." "Maybe." "You'll end up hating me." "Maybe, maybe not." "I'm ready to risk it." "We don't know each other." "People never know each other." "We don't even know ourselves!" "What about you?" "Me?" "What do you feel for me?" "I don't know." "I'm still touched." "That's all right." "It's good to cry." "Not in public!" "Want to go?" "Let's go to the hotel." "I don't want to." "You can do other things in a hotel room." "A declaration of love." "It was the first time a woman had told me all that..." "It was good..." "Shit, it's good when someone... when someone says all that to you!" "I made a real declaration of love." "You get asthma?" "I did as a kid." "I get hay fever, but not every year." "It depends on April frosts." "Something to do with the pollen." "I'm scared of spiders." "It's a real phobia." "I hate flying." " You can't fly?" " I can but I turn deathly pale." "I'm terrified throughout the flight." "I can't sleep." "Even on a long-haul flight." "I have a tic." " That's nothing..." " At first it isn't..." "But in the long run..." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "Stretching my legs." "So they don't get numb." "Really?" "Want me to pull my foot back?" "What?" "You're moving your foot now." "Do you mind?" "I'II stop if you want." "What do you mean?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "You want me to carry on?" "Don't ask, you'll see." "You grimaced." "I didn't." "I swear you did." "I stopped myself." "Maybe you think you did..." "Are you sure?" "You were beautiful." "It was a grimace, but you didn't care." "About anything." "About looking beautiful." "Well, not beautiful, looking like a model." "See what I mean?" "A model?" "In a magazine?" "With make-up?" "No." "You were a woman." "You gave me everything." "For a second, you gave it all to me." "I'm afraid." "I'm afraid too." "What'll happen to us?" "I don't know." "I'II have to think." "Me too." "I've always made major decisions on a whim." "I thought about it, weighed it all up..." "I drew up lists for and against, with points that I added up." "But when it came to choose, when I really had to choose, it was like leaping into the void." "It was purely instinctive." "I said that I'd think, that we'd see the following Thursday." "But for me it was obvious..." "I was in love." "The ideal woman." "I wanted to make a bet." "On her." "On us." "You only live once." "And then I knew." "She didn't want to." "She wanted to stop." "She hadn't said anything but it was obvious." "I could read her face." "She wanted to stop." "She was afraid of saying it." "She didn't dare." "I had to dare for her." "It won't work." "Between the two of us." "It won't work." "I'd decided to stay with him." "I'd even decided to fight to the bitter end if he refused." "And then... when he said that the two of us... wouldn't work... it seemed obvious." "He was right." "We had to split up." "We'll end up hating each other." "We'll only have memories left, memories of now." "So we may as well end it right here." "I guessed his every thought." "I read each line on his face." "I could see that he wanted to stop." "So I wanted that too." "One last time?" "You're sure she wanted to stop?" "What if it was a mistake?" "Maybe neither one wanted that." "Maybe we misunderstand each other." "But I don't think so." "Something would have happened." "Something would have told us we were wrong." "But no, there was nothing." "We weren't wrong." "We ended it the way we began." "We acted out our fantasy." "One last time." "We weren't sure we'd find other partners for that." "We made the most of it." "Hold on..." "Let me think..." "We did it normally." "It was more exciting to do it normally." "Couldn't you tell us what it was?" "What?" "Your fantasy." "What you used to do." "Even if you tortured me, blinded me or strapped electrodes to my testicles, no." "I'd rather die first." "Who the hell cares what it was!" "It could be anything yet it was always the same thing." "It was an act of love." "Even if it was special, even if people don't understand, even if they find it sick, even if it was purely sexual at first, that's what it was all the same, an act of love." "That's the important part." "Did you try to see him again?" "I could have." "I could have, I don't know... hired a private detective" "or gone and asked the hotel for his Visa card number..." "There's always a way." "But I didn't try." "But I saw him again." "I mean, I only saw him..." "From a distance." "He couldn't see me." "He was parking his car." "You didn't speak to him?" "You didn't call out to attract his attention?" "It was over." "He was still as handsome." "I still found him as attractive."