"I feel like I spent the last half hour yodeling in a cave." "I'm sorry." "It wasn't you." "No, it was..." "It was like licking a lollipop that never gets any smaller." "I mean, you enjoy it, but after a while, you start to crave the stick." "Did I at least make you crave the stick?" "You did great." "I'm just a little distracted." " Is everything okay?" " Not really." "We need to talk." "Come on, I got lockjaw and you wanna talk?" "I wanna know where we're going with this relationship." "Do we have any future?" "Of course we do." "I mean, things are good." "Things are great." "Why rock the boat?" "I mean, I know the little man inside your boat could use some rocking." "I'm talking about making a long-term commitment to each other." " You mean, like, marriage?" " Would that be so awful?" "Ask my ex-wife." "Her statement in court read like a Stephen King novel." " Where is this coming from?" " It was something my gynecologist said." " Are you all right?" " I'm fine." "He said, "Everything looks great down here." "Would you like to have dinner sometime?"" "Wow." "Wow." "That is wildly inappropriate." " I mean, as a doctor myself..." " You're a chiropractor." "Nonetheless, I am a healer." "There's a code." "You don't ask someone out when they're naked with their feet in stirrups." " Unless you're drunk at a rodeo." " Well, he did." " Do you wanna go out with him?" " It's not about going out with him." "But if you and I don't have a future, I need to examine my options." "The way you got examined by Dr. Busy-Fingers?" "Look, I don't wanna grow old alone." "So if you're not ready to make this kind of commitment better to know now." "Jeez, Lyndsey, you kind of sprung this on me." "I don't have to give you an answer just this second, do I?" "No." "No, of course not." "Just think about it." " Okay." " Good night." "Good night." "For the record, he gets paid to go down there." "I do it for the love of the game." " Hey." " Oh, hey." "Can I borrow your car?" "Need to take my bike into the shop." " It won't fit in mine." " Sure, no problem." "Thanks." "I assume it needs gas?" "And oil." "And brake fluid." "And wiper blades." "So, what are you reading?" " I'm trying to finish Ulysses." " Oh, that's a tough one." " How long you been reading it?" " Fourteen years." "I'm on page eight." "Impressive." "I'm still on the first Tuesday with Morrie." " He dies in the end." " Thank you." "So listen, I wanna ask your opinion." "Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some guy asked her out." " Who asked her out?" " Her gynecologist." "Well, at least he knows what he's getting into." "Cute." "But I mean, I don't wanna lose Lyndsey." "But I'm just not ready to make a commitment." "My advice is, you better do something soon or you're out and the doctor's in." "When I say, "the doctor's in," I mean..." "No, I got it, I got it." " All right, I gotta get out of here." " Here you go." "Oh, the driver's side door doesn't work anymore." "So get in the passenger side or climb in through the window." " Got it." " And whatever you do when you put the key in the ignition, hold something rubber." "You know, so you're grounded." " Does Lyndsey have a nice car?" " Yeah." "Marry her." "And he's holding her In his arms late, late at night" "You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl" "I wish that I had Jessie's girl" "Where can I find a woman like that?" "I'll play along with this charade" "Alan." "Ow!" "Ow." "Ow." "Everything okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Think it just overheated." " Can I give you a ride to a gas station?" " Gee, I don't know." "My mom always told me never to get in a car with a stranger." "I'm Shari McMartin." "Solves that problem." "Thank you." "I really appreciate it." "Hey, no problem." "So your old Volvo's seen better days, huh?" "Yeah." "It's actually..." "It's not mine." "I borrowed it from a friend to get my bike fixed." "You ride a bike around town?" "You must have amazing stamina." " It's not the only way that I get around." " Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed about." "With the price of gas being what it is, a bicycle is very practical." " I'm not ashamed." " Trust me, there will come a day when you won't have to worry about having enough money for gas." "Okay." "I look forward to that day." " So, what's your name?" " Walden." "That's a nice name." "What are you doing in Los Angeles, Walden?" "You trying to be an actor or a model or something?" "Right now I'm trying to finish a book." "Oh, how long have you been at it?" "Fourteen years." "Oh, a struggling writer." "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Well, you are in luck." "I happen to be a big supporter of the arts." "Oh, really?" "How fortuitous." "Ooh. "Fortuitous." You are a writer." "Listen, what do you say we go grab a bite to eat, get the car fixed later?" "Sure." "There's a really great deli right up here." "Actually, I have a better place in mind." " Where's that?" " My house." "Oh, what's on the menu there?" "Oh." "Yum." " Hi." " Hi." "What you doing?" "Nothing much." "How about we go out to a movie?" "Sure, we could do that." "Great, great." "I will check some times." " Alan?" " Yeah?" "Did you think about what we discussed last night?" "Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "Thinking about it constantly." "Anything you wanna talk about?" "Not yet." "Still thinking." "You know, percolating, mulling all the other pertinent "ings."" "Cogitating." "Stalling, avoiding, ducking." " Ooh!" "Procrastinating." " What?" "No, no." "That's crazy." "I'm not doing any of those things." "I mean, why would I do those things?" "So, what movie would you like to see?" "I know what you're doing." "This is not gonna go away." "I don't understand why we can't keep things the way they are." "Living day-to-day, never knowing what future you have with the person you've been with the past three years?" "Okay, I prefer to think of it as cherishing each day nay, each moment, with the woman I love because none of us knows how much time we have left." "I mean, it could all disappear in the blink of an eye." "You mean like this?" "Exactly." "Well, it would appear that a bicycle's not the only thing you can ride." "I'm also good with bulls and merry-go-rounds." "Did you enjoy your lunch?" "Oh, yeah." "I would definitely eat here again." "Mm-mm." "Do you mind taking a taxi home?" "Uh, sure." "No problem." "I'd drive you." "I just have some things to do." "Okay." "Then we're done here?" "I am." "Okay." " You know, we should do this again." " Oh, we will." "I'll let you know when." " All right." " Oh, here." "What's this?" " It's money for a taxi." " I don't need that." "Sweetie, don't be proud." "Take the money." "Okay, great." "Thank you." " Hey, hey!" " Hey." "Where have you been?" "I got some good news and I got some bad news for you." " What's the bad news?" " Your car overheated and broke down." "Ah, I should've told you not to turn on the radio." "So, what's the good news?" "This beautiful woman pulls up in a Bentley and offers me help." "And then she takes me back to her house and bangs my brains out." " How is that good news for me?" " Oh, sorry, I misspoke." "The bad news is for you, the good news is for me." "Have any idea how many times I've been stranded because of that car?" "Only person who stopped was a trucker with no pants and drawn-on eyebrows." " She also gave me money for a taxi." " I hate you." "I know, right?" " How was your day?" " I'm pretty sure Lyndsey and I broke up." "Oh, man." "I'm sorry." "I really liked Lyndsey." "I thought she was great." "But I'm not gonna be bullied into spending my life with somebody just because they're great." "Who would?" "It's like being forced to win the lotto." "Wait a minute." "If you took a cab home, where's my car?" "Oh." "Here's a hundred bucks." "Buy a better car." "So you ready for round two?" "Oh, right now?" "Well, could we just talk a little while the boys, you know, restock the shelves?" "Yeah, sure, let's talk." "Um..." "How are things going with your book?" "How's...?" "With the what?" "Your book?" "The one you're trying to finish?" "Oh, about the book." "It's good." "It's good." "It's going good." "Writing words." "Making sentences." "What's it about?" "Okay." "Yeah, it's about this, uh, guy named Alan." " Mm-hm." "He..." "And he lives with his brother in this fabulous Malibu beach house." "And?" "And the brother dies." "He falls in front of a train in Paris." "Wow, didn't see that coming." "Neither did he." "Anyway, this billionaire named Walter..." "And then..." "And Alan continues to live there." "Wait." "With a complete stranger?" "Yeah." " Are they gay?" " No, no, no." "They're just..." "They're just friends." "Well, that's a bit far-fetched, isn't it?" "What?" "No." "Well, it's totally plausible." "They have these adventures together." "It's funny." "It's a good thing you're pretty." "Hey." "Whoa." "Look at you." "Bought some new clothes, huh?" "Nope." "Somebody bought new clothes for me." "Shari took her boy toy shopping in Beverly Hills." "I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman." "The only thing I got from the truck driver was cigarettes and an eyebrow pencil." "Yeah, I gotta tell you, it is nice to be taken care of for a change." "But look who I'm talking to." "All right, I'm gonna go do some manscaping." "Mama like me smooth." " Oh, hey, buddy." " Hey, Dad." "Well, this is a nice surprise." "What's going on?" "I heard from Eldridge that you and his mom broke up." "So I'm just checking in." "That is really sweet of you, Jake, to be concerned about your old man." "Well, I love you, Dad." "I want you to be happy." " Thank you." " You've always been there for me." " Now I get to be here for you." " That's true." " Speaking of which..." " How much?" "A couple hundred would make it a merry Christmas for the people I love." " All right, Jake, I'll take care of it." " Thank you, Dad." "Love you." "Bye." " Bye." " Totally worked." "We're going to Tijuana!" "Totally worked." "He thinks I'm sending him money." " Excuse me, is this seat taken?" " Sit." "But if a lady comes along, I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate." "Right back at you." "I'm not worried." " Sid Olsen." " Oh, nice to meet you." "Alan Harper." "So, Alvin, you play the ponies?" "I'm not much of a gambler." "I don't know, that shirt's kind of a gamble." "So, uh, what brings you in here, Sid, besides dispensing fashion advice?" "I like to get out, make the rounds, you know, talk to the young people." "But I'll talk to you until one comes along." "Whether I like it or not." "Oh, I got some more advice for you, Albert." "When you get to be my age always bring a big, plastic cup into the john." " Why?" " You gotta lower the water level or your nuts get wet." "Oh, excuse me, darling, darling, could we have some more wings, please?" "I'll have a beer, please." " You know, it's "all you can eat" for 6.99." " It's also dollar beers." "Yeah, I don't drink beer." "It gives me the wind." " What's your problem, Alfred?" " I don't have a problem." "Oh, come on, you're in a bar at 4:00 in the afternoon talking to an 80-year-old man about his balls." "You got a problem." "Well, I guess I've been having relationship issues." "Ah, I get it." "I'm having trouble with my wife." " What's the matter?" " She's dead." " Oh, oh, I'm sorry." " So am I." "If she were alive, I wouldn't have to be talking to you." "Now we both wish she was alive." "Zing." "Our marriage was the best 30 years of my life." "My only complaint was that she couldn't cook." "The woman could screw up iced tea." "I mean, you know the recipe for iced tea?" "It's ice, tea, done." "Well, I guess you have to take the good with the bad." "You're smarter than you look." "You got a good one, you gotta hang onto her." "Yeah." "How do you know you've got a good one?" "You don't always know." "Sometimes, you just gotta take the leap." "Oh, here we go." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Ah." "These are for my cat." "I don't have a cat." "Well, it was great talking to you, Archie." " Alan." " Sid." "Here's my card." "Oh, thanks." "I'll call you if I need a wingman." "Get it?" "A wingman?" "The chicken?" "Leave the jokes to me, chuckles." "Jeez." "I forgot my wallet." "Don't worry, I've got it." "Thank you." "Much appreciated." "Works every time." " Alan?" " We need to talk." "Oh, really?" "Now you wanna talk." "I don't know, you just kind of sprung this on me." "I deserved that." "But just listen, please." "Go ahead." "I've just come to the realization that I don't wanna end up alone with my nuts in the toilet." " What?" " All I know is this." "I was scared because every time I've made a commitment to a woman it's blown up in my face." "But I'd rather be scared than risk losing you." "I wanna be with you forever." "That's all I ever wanted to hear." "I love you, Lyndsey." "And as soon as I can save enough money I'm gonna put a deposit down on an engagement ring." "You don't have to buy me some dumb ring." "That's all I ever wanted to hear." " Yeah?" " Is your mom here?" "My mom?" " Walden, what are you doing here?" " Oh, I just wanted to surprise you." "Oh, that's very sweet." "Baby, go put these in water." "Yeah." "Honey, you really have to call before you come over." "What's up with the kid from Twilight?" "Oh, he works at Foot Locker." "He's like you." "He has a little more ambition." " Heh, heh." "Ambition?" "You're kidding me." " Oh, no, don't take that the wrong way." "I mean, you are very good at what you can do." "Okay." "I'm a billionaire." "I own my own company." "Oh." "There's that imagination." "Hey, that's what you should be writing about." "I'll call you, okay?" "I own my own freaking jet." "That's it." "I'm gonna buy Foot Locker." "Thank you for inviting me over, Alfonso." "No problem." "You too, Winston." "Any time, Sid." "Look, I don't wanna tar anybody else's roof but either one of you tapping the hot redhead?" " No." " No." " Mind if I take a swing at her?" " Go right ahead." "Yeah, she might swing back." "Good." "I like them feisty." "This may take a minute." "Is your friend pool that shallow?" "Hey, Red, you like chicken wings?"