"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪" "Aah!" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "(alarm clock playing music)" "(yawns)" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "Hey, Mick!" "You damn drunk, wake up." "Wha...?" "Morning." "It's 6:00 a.m., and I can legally sell you alcohol again." "You'll always have a place to drink here, you degenerate scumbag." "I'm with Beezus on this one, guys." "Ramona went into her room." "No permission!" "The sign said, "Do Not Enter."" "Do not enter... the kingdom of heaven!" "Beezus is a Christ figure!" "Her name rhymes with Jesus." "It's right there!" "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, hi." "Girl shoulders!" "I'm Charlotte." "I-I just moved here." "This is a bit embarrassing... but I'm required to go door-to-door to notify all my new neighbors that I'm a registered... (quietly):" "sex offender." "Where are you registered, and what have you still not received?" "Wait." "A-Are you saying you did stuff... with boys?" "Yeah." "Like, an insane amount of stuff." "I just want to say I won't be any trouble." "I mostly just stay home and watch the Spice Channel and Cartoon Network, so if you guys ever want to come..." "No." "No, Charlotte!" "Bad Charlotte!" "I'm sorry." "I-I should go." "Oh, my God, do you know what this means?" "We're gonna get laid!" "And the Spice Channel is still profitable!" "♪ ♪" "We got a... we got a big problem here, Roger." "Well, your problem keeps my lights on, Mick." "Oh, crap." "Betsy!" "Keg change!" "Where is that damn girl?" "Bets!" "Hey, uh, can I use your bathroom?" "It's for customers only." "Well, no, right," "I'm totally gonna get some food." "I just got to think about my order in the bathroom." "I said it's for customers only!" "(glass shatters)" "(groans) Now what?" "Just a sec on that refill." "Hey, Roger, I'm going to yoga." "You want to come?" "They might play your favorite song." "(humming):" "Om... om... om..." "Sorry, Francine, I'm working." "But I thought you had today off." "There are no days off when you're running a dive bar." "Roger, you can't keep going at this pace." "You're on your feet all day." "You've probably got varicose veins." "My veins are fine." "I hope you don't mind me interrupting, but there is an alternative to all this hard work." "If this a pyramid scheme, don't say another word, because I am in." "No." "It's just that for a third-floor bar only accessible after passing through a residential home, you do a pretty brisk business." "And if you're willing to sell, my company would be very interested." "(chuckles) Sell?" "Sorry, what'd you say your name was?" "Toby." "Of course it is." "Look, Toby, there's only two things for sale here:" "a sense of community and the credit card information of people who pass out." "Hey, I see you with that TP!" "I'll cut off your hands, you thief!" "Roger, try to take it easy." "I'd love to chat, Franny, but I'm swamped and I got to find Betsy." "I think she's dipping in the till." "I ain't till-dippin'!" "It was Clarence the Goat." "(bleats)" "He says he paid for that salad." "So, once again, it's my word against his!" "Okay, fellas, this is Charlotte's place." "Barry, toss this Frisbee into her backyard, so we'll have an excuse to knock on her door." "Sports!" "Okay." "Oh." "Hello." "Oh, Charlotte!" "What a surprise." "We were just playing catch, and my friend here accidentally threw your neighbor's New York Times into your yard." "I'm sorry for the mess." "I still haven't found a gardener." "Do you boys know anyone willing to pick up a hoe and just go to town?" "(quietly):" "Charlotte, careful." "Well, maybe we can be of service." "Okay." "But it's just work, nothing else." "Just you and your smooth, hungry hands rooting around in my backyard!" "(gasps)" "ROGER:" "I see you." "I'm coming with those pretzels." "(groans) Hole's jammed again." "(sighs) Tuna Can Jerry?" "Yeah, Tuna Can Jerry." "All right, let me get my tools." "And I just need you to sign here." "Whoa." "Ted, these prices are double what they were last week." "I see you back there!" "Wait, this isn't even what I ordered." "Yeah, well, all I got is this artisanal microbrew from the Finger Lakes." "Apricot wheat?" "!" "MAN:" "Tuna Can Jerry's late for his rehearsal dinner!" "MAN 2:" "Hey!" "How about them pretzels!" "STAN:" "Never gonna catch me!" "Apricot wheat?" "!" "(grunts) My heart!" "Oh, my God!" "Roger, are you okay?" "(strained):" "Keep an eye on Betsy." "She's definitely stealing from the till." "No, I ain't." "I'm tired of you accusing my wife of stealing!" "Meet me in the parking lot in five minutes!" "Stop watching me switch characters, and call an ambulance!" "(monitor beeping steadily) (groans)" "Roger, you're awake." "Mr. Smith, please, stay in bed." "But I need to get back to the bar!" "You need to rest." "That bar gave you a heart attack." "And if you keep up this pace, the next one'll be your last." "(crying)" "Don't leave us, Nana." "ROGER:" "Do you mind keeping it down?" "Ugh!" "Francine, just close the curtain." "I can tell by looking at them that they're the type to nod like they understand, and then go right... back... to talking." "Roger, I brought someone to see you." "Toby?" "I'm not selling the bar!" "You better... (choking, grunting)" "(wheezes, spits)" "Aah!" "This is oxygen, not nitrous!" "You see that oxygen spit take?" "First one to do it." "At death's door, still a trailblazer." "Roger, it's time." "Sell the bar." "You have so much more life to look forward to." "You'll carry on my vision, right?" "The seatless toilet bowls?" "The condom machine that eats quarters?" "The homemade liquor license?" "That dripping sound?" "Roger, your vision is what I'm buying." "(Schubert's "Ave Maria" playing)" "I guess this is it." "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "(monitor flatlines, girl sobbing)" "If you don't get that dead lady out of my room, you are gonna have what I would refer to as a "Yelp Disaster."" "(alarm clock playing music)" "(yawns)" "(chuckles):" "Whoa, Roger, you made breakfast?" "Sit, sit." "I made eggs, coffee and breakfast pork chops for you, Stan." "He did." "I saw it." "(chuckles):" "I see everything." "(deep, ominous):" "Everything." "Roger, your heart." "You should be taking it slow." "Nonsense." "Just because I no longer own my bar doesn't mean I can't serve." "So, Roger, any plans now that you're retired?" "Well, I've got a list of everything I'd like to do from now until I die neatly filed in a bucket." "Still working on a name for this bucket index." ""Basket index" is the working title." "Mmm!" "Oh, whoa, everything's delicious!" "Thanks." "Okay, off to work." "Oh." "Okay." "Yeah, thanks for breakfast, Roger." "I got to get the kids to school." "Klaus, why don't you come along?" "I'm in the mood for one of your classic anecdotes." "Oh, did I ever tell you about the time" "I bounced a check for my girlfriend's abortion?" "They had to put the baby back in." "And that baby... was Shia LaBeouf." "I said I wanted to hear it in the car." "New life, here we go." "Okay, first thing: meditation." "Just got to close my eyes, clear my head, and find my quiet place." "(screeching)" "I'll come back to that one." "Great call on these Speedos, Snot." "The mere sight of us must be driving Charlotte crazy." "What do we do?" "!" "What pool boys do best." "♪ ♪" "Wow!" "The pool looks great!" "I really owe you guys." "I'm gonna owe you so hard." "Well, when you boys are done out here, why don't you, um... meet me upstairs." "Gentlemen, we are in." "All right!" "The Speedos worked!" "But you got to give them back so I can return them to my bisexual uncle's loft before he gets home from his vacation in Croatia." "Yup, he's pretty worldly." "(cheering, applause in distance)" "Sounds like they're having fun." "I guess there's no reason why I can't go up there." "♪ ♪" "What the hell did they do?" "!" "Hi." "We've got a bit of a wait, but feel free to look at some of the crazy stuff on our walls." "Ski poles from around the world?" "Even I'm getting hungry!" "(pager vibrates)" "Hey, look who it is!" "What have you done to my bar?" "!" "Everything's different." "Well, not everything." "We kept the spirit of a dive bar, but got rid of the smell and the hopelessness and the guy showing his joint to all the waitresses." "But that was Mick, my most loyal barfly!" "What are you doing here anyway?" "If I were you, I'd be out there living life, crossing everything off my bucket list." "My what?" "Ha!" "You're on fire today!" "Here, let me show you the new game room." "You have a game room?" "!" "(horn honking) What the hell?" "My mom's new boyfriend said I was too annoying to take to the lake." "To take anywhere, I would say." "Being pushed out of my own bar is worse than a thousand heart attacks." "It's also worse than 10,000 Maniacs." "But just barely." "I think that's an old reference." "Roger, if selling your bar is bothering you this much, maybe you should try to buy it back." "Oh, my God, I totally should." "I'll buy the bar and put it back the way it's supposed to be!" "It's the third house on the left." "This is your house?" "Roger, I don't think we should leave him here." "He'll be fine." "There's police everywhere." "Plus, he's got a snorkel." "Drive." "Drive!" "The door will shut on its own." "It's not closing." "I don't know." "Maybe you got to turn or something." "Well, don't slow down." "Forget it, forget it, just drive." "It's not hurting anybody." "Mick, what are you doing out here?" "They won't let me in the bar, Rog!" "Well, this changes now." "You will be served again." "Thank you, Roger." "You're welcome." "Thank you." "Of course." "Thank you so much." "I said, you're welcome." "Seriously, thank you." "Okay, Mick, I'm gonna go take care of this." "I can't thank you enough." "Can't fix it until you let go, Mick." "For real, muchas gracias." "I mean it." "Look at me." "While I'm still here, I'm not inside fixing it." "From the bottom of my heart." "Please let go, Mick." "Toby!" "You've destroyed my vision!" "I'm here to buy you out and put everything back to the way it was!" "Oh." "Shoot, that's too bad, because we're expanding Roger's Spot nationwide, and we wanted your beautiful mug to be the face of the company." "Right, that's what we're doing." "Why?" "What did I say?" "Thank you, Toby." "Yeah, you're welcome." "Thank you." "Of course." "Thank you so much." "Said, you're welcome." "Seriously, thank you." "Okay, Roger, no problem." "I can't thank you enough." "You got to let go of my hand." "I got a business to run." "For real, muchas gracias." "Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart." "Roger, Roger, Roger, I can't expand it until you let go!" "What do you guys want for dinner tonight?" "Pizza?" "BOTH:" "Boring." "I want to go somewhere cool but sad." "Yeah, like a dive bar." "Oh, Mommy, can we?" "Well, it sounds like this family could use a little walk on the wild side." "ROGER:" "Then come on down to Roger's Spot!" "America's only family-friendly dive bar experience!" "Pretend you're a barfly by resting your weary rump on Old Mick's stool." "That's apple juice." "Or is it?" "It is." "I have to say that." "And there's never a dull moment with bar fights every hour on the hour." "You showered with my wife!" "(cheering, applause)" "MALE ANNOUNCER:" "Roger's Spot." "I'm Roger, and I'm famous for saying," "(Australian accent):" ""Dive on in!"" "(door opens, closes)" "Hey, look at you sitting there on the couch, looking all fetching." "Makes me want to dive on in!" "Roger, you're home now." "You don't have to say, "Dive on in."" "Sorry." "After 300 ribbon cuttings, it's a little hard to turn off." "Dive on in." "Roger, it was one thing when you were working yourself to death for the bar you loved." "But now you're just wearing yourself out promoting something that you don't even believe in." "Francine, relax, have a drink." "Dive on in." "(sighs) Roger..." "Francine, if I was doing the wrong thing, would they have invited me to be the keynote speaker at this year's Emerging Titans of Industry" "Corporate SynergyFest?" "I-I don't know what that is." "And why would you?" "(horn honks outside)" "That's my limo now." "Different from the one that dropped me off." "Nicer, more promiscuous driver." "Oh, and Francine?" "Don't say it." "Dive on in." "(electric tools whirring)" "I've applied a bed of thin-set, so I'm gonna go ahead and lay quarter-inch backer boards." "Great." "I'll get going on the grout work." "Nice, Barry." "Charlotte's gonna love that clean cutting." "Thanks, boss." "Hey, Tosh, county still dragging their feet on the permits?" "Offering to remodel Charlotte's bedroom is a real stroke of genius." "She's gonna want us so bad." "Wow, this room looks really great!" "(gasps)" "Oh." "When you're done, come find me so I can... (singsongy):" "show you my appreciation." "Told you this would work." "Now, let's talk batting order." "I call last!" "(cheering, applause)" "Hey, Roger!" "Nobody touches Mr. Smith." "Oh, no, no." "No, it's okay." "Mick is a friend from before the money." "How you doing, Mick?" "You come to see me speak?" "No, I..." "I'm here for my AA meeting." "Sober?" "That can't be." "Mick, that's not who you are." "You're a barfly!" "Well, the good news is, the state's gonna let me see my daughter for the first time in seven years." "How is that good news?" "It's go time, Roger." "And now, let's welcome to the stage the founder and a partial profit participant of Roger's Spot, Roger Smith!" "(applause)" "Thanks, Linda." "I'm Jeff." "And I said thanks." "Okay, people, are you ready to... (Australian accent):" "dive... on... in?" "(cheering, applause)" "MAN:" "I love your sliders!" "I can tell." "(clears throat)" "Betty Crocker, Famous Amos, John DeLorean." "What do they have in common?" "They're all entrepreneurs whose stories I haven't fully researched." "You know, Roger's Spot wasn't always one of America's highest revenue-generating, casual-dining experiences." "It actually started out as the kind of place where you could trade your child-support check for booze." "Hey, Mick's here!" "Mick, stand up." "Mick was there at the beginning of the dream." "You may know him from the stool at all of our locations." "But you probably don't, because in all 480 locations, it's just a stool." "Corporate banned Mick." "(crowd gasps, murmurs)" "That's right." "You lost your home when we became Roger's Spot, didn't you, Mick?" "Yeah, but it's all for the best." "Shut up, Mick." "That's just the clarity talking." "You were passionate about drinking, just like I was passionate about running my bar." "MAN:" "Do "Dive on in"!" "No." "No, I won't do, "Dive on in"!" "(quietly):" "Dive on in." "Because that was never my catchphrase." "My actual catchphrase at the time was," ""Let's get rowdy rowdy!"" "It was incredibly unpopular, but I said it anyway, because a bunch of drunks aren't gonna tell me what I can say in my own place!" "(scattered applause in distance)" "Yeah, the people in the Jasmine Ballroom get it." "I guess what I'm saying is, we all need to stop going to Roger's Spot." "Who's with me?" "!" "Also, all the meat is kangaroo." "That's actually a pretty lean protein!" "Fine, you want the real dirt?" "Our mozzarella sticks are just fried string cheese!" "WOMAN:" "That's what they are everywhere." "Yeah, but isn't that a little disappointing?" "He's right!" "(chanting):" "Boycott Roger's Spot!" "Boycott Roger's Spot!" "ALL (chanting):" "Boycott Roger's Spot!" "Boycott Roger's Spot!" "(sighs)" "I am ruined." "And I (bleep) in a barrel of salsa." "No one knows which one-- could be any location." "Okay, boys, our sweet reward is on the other side of that door." "Hi." "Can I help you?" "Um... w-we're looking for Charlotte?" "Oh, the woman who sold us this beautifully-remodeled house?" "What?" "If you hurry, you can still catch her." "Oh, hey, boys." "Thanks to all your hard work," "I just flipped this house for a tasty profit." "You flip houses?" "Uh-huh." "And I've found that horn-dog teenagers tend to work the, uh... hardest." "Stop doing that!" "We thought you were gonna turn us into men." "I did." "Now you know how to install drywall, wire an addition, and you've established lasting relationships with the County Permit Board." "Take care... men." "STEVE:" "We learned a lot from Charlotte that summer about what it meant to be a man." "And we carried that with us the rest of our lives." "Snot joined the Army, ended up marrying his commanding officer," "Lieutenant Randall Santana." "Barry became the poet in residence at Ithaca College and started dating his male students." "Toshi settled in the garden city of Kyoto where he works as a male prostitute." "As for me?" "Super gay, also." "(crickets chirping)" "It's good to see you back behind the bar, Roger." "Thanks, Franny, but you were right about one thing." "It wouldn't hurt to slow down a bit and enjoy the little moments in my life." "Ow!" "Damn it!" "Really enjoyed that." "Good night, Rog."