"You got the tape thing on there?" "Date of recording." "Today is 2/27, I believe." "So, if they use my voice, are they gonna pay me?" " Each season of the show." " Each time they use it, or just once?" " Each season." " Boy, that's not much." "I guess I just sign it then, huh?" "I like being on TV." "And I'm here on behalf of Creature Comforts to ask you some more questions about the law enforcement life..." "Testing!" "Sorry, I couldn't resist." " Are you appreciated at work?" " No." "I am not appreciated at work." "Never received appreciation for nothing!" "For nothing." "My favorite part of doing hair is watching the client leave the salon with a glow after they have, like, seen their hair or what-have-you." "I'm just like, "Whoa, I had something to do with that."" "You got to get to work pretty early, you start at 7:00." "Got to get all the tools rolled out and be ready to go at 7:00, so..." "Usually, depending on the night before, it's not..." "It's not too fun, you know." "You put a kid on, he's crying." "All crying, crying, crying." "You get him on there and you get him going, and then they look at you, going, "This is fun."" "And then when you go to take them off, they just start crying again 'cause they don't wanna come off." "Oh, you gotta tell them the pony's gotta go night-night, or you gotta do something, just so they stop crying." "It's crazy." "Working?" "That's like busting your back." " I wouldn't work." "Would you, Hanna?" " Never." "I hate work." " And yet we have to." " Yeah." "Animals, they work." "So a dog has..." "Needs to take care of the house, needs to get all the sheep." "A cat has to take care of the rats, they, you know..." "A horse, working in the farm." "Every single animal has its function, has a job to do." "Pig racing, right now, is just like, you know, just an amateur event, you know, a few companies out there racing pigs, but one day, it's gonna go big time, and it's gonna be big one day, just like..." "Just like the Kentucky Derby." "I don't know that there's ever been a police officer that's worn a badge that hadn't had to chase somebody on foot at one time or another." "I've done my share of them, and I'm sure you probably have, too, Chief." "That's the exciting part!" "Sometimes you catch them, sometimes you don't." "What's the most important part of your job?" "Oh, the ability to smile huge." "You know, the smile, like the funky smile, like, "I'm getting down" smile." "And then there's the smile that's like, "I love this." ""I love what I'm doing, I love this."" "Then there's the smile that's like," ""What?" "I can't believe my legs are doing this."" "Surprise, you didn't see that move coming." "I don't think I spend a lot of time trying to convince my boss that I'm dedicated, because that's just going to lead us down the road into more trouble." "Like, asking me to do more work, and also I don't want to be in those meetings that they have where all the people who are dedicated go to." "I live in a commercial area where they work all night long." "I have..." "Hi!" " How you doing?" " How's your job?" "My job's coming to an end in a week and a half." "Your what?" "My job's coming to an end in a week and a half." "Okay." "Good luck." " Is that hard, being on your feet all day?" " Well, you're not really on your feet all day." "Just check your medical records and find out how many cops have got hemorrhoids." " You don't get them from being on your feet." " No." "I think the American worker's the best damn worker there is in the world." "I think he's producing more now than any place in the world." "He's carried the damn load." "Ninety-two percent of Americans don't enjoy their jobs!" "They say they don't enjoy their jobs!" "That's very scary!" "That nine out of ten people aren't having a good time?" "I'm..." "I..." "Right." "I love my work." "I love it..." "I love..." "I..." "I love it, I love it, you know?" "I love going there." "They give out achievement awards." "I have never seen one." "One of my co-workers have gotten five or six of them." "I have not received one and it's all..." "It's a personal thing with these supervisors." "I love it, you know?" "I do oversleep a lot." "A great deal." "And then I usually try and concoct an excuse that somehow..." "Somehow sounds more acceptable than "I just..." "I just overslept."" "Would you miss working if you had to stop?" "Right now, I would..." "Yes, I would miss work." "But if I hit the lottery tomorrow, no, I would not miss work." "You know, but it's something, it's a job." "I used to put on 100-pound kids." "My back is not as good as it used to be, so I've dropped to 80 pounds." "So that possibly could be the hardest thing, telling a heavier kid they cannot ride the ponies." "That's a little tough for me." "This is the process I would implement to pick up something heavy." "I'm going to bend my knees and kind of squat, and I'm going to put my hands underneath the object to see how heavy it is, and so I'm pretty confident I can lift this into the air," "so I'm just going to go for it, and here we go..." "Oh, my gosh!" "Have you ever been hurt on the job?" "Yeah." "I've been hurt, jeez, quite a few times, I guess." "Probably doesn't sound very good, but I, you know, almost chopped a finger off once." "Yeah, I'd say that was probably my most major injury." " And how do you like working with kids?" " I like kids." "The kids are the easy part." "Hang on." "It's the parents that get a little tough sometimes." "Hey!" "Work is unnatural." "I mean, look at the squirrel." "Pretty much everybody has found a dead squirrel on the street." "Yeah." "That's because they lead a stressful life." "They, like, walk around on those electrical wires, for what, nuts?" "I value my nuts." "It's just a cycle." "Work." "Eat." "Work." "Eat." "Work." "Eat." "Work." "Eat..." "Eat." "Work." "Work." "Work." "Eat." "I guess..." "I guess, through it all, you just need to hold on to a sense that there is something more to life than just survival." "That is the key." "I don't see myself doing this job forever." "In fact, I don't even see myself doing it past Christmas." "I really hate working on Christmas." "Not so much because I think I need to have a really great time somewhere else, but just that it's so embarrassing for me to work on Christmas." "I have, yeah, I've..." "I have gotten fired for tardiness at least once." "Twice." "I'll say twice." "I wish I did more." "I should do more." "I should be more productive." "I should, like, write something, or finish this blog, or whatever, and then you wake up and you're, like, "Screw it, man." "What's on TV?"" "I just think everybody's got some sort of a mission to do, rather than veg out in front of the idiot box." "There's just more to life than leisure." "But a little leisure is nice, too, good grief." "No sense in working yourself to the grave." "So if the cat wasn't good at, you know, catching mice, you get rid of the cat." "Maybe the day'll come when we'll just eat." " Eat in peace." " Yeah." "You have got to have a release in this job." "If you don't build in a stress release, you know, you're likely to go wacky." "Wait, can you turn that off or pause it for a second?" " Yes." "Paused." " Oh, good." "So I can't..." "So won't..." "So I can't..." " This isn't recording?" " No." " Good." " Oh, good." "When will I get my money?" "So just describe to me what you're watching." "We are looking at a Black Phoebe, a flycatcher." " There..." " Black, but at the bottom, it's white." "Oh, he wears a tuxedo." " That's how I tell people to remember him." " Oh, I see." "The little bird with the tuxedo on." "He's just really cute." "He's dressed up for us." "I have to say that I have absolutely not one feeling about a bird, none." " You know, we used to..." " They don't..." "They don't interest me to look at." "I'm not fascinated by the hawk and the wingspan..." " Well, maybe you should be." " All that stuff." "If the spotted owl that I've never seen, was never seen again, it wouldn't really make a big, huge difference, now, would it?" "I think birds are pretty cool because, like, the ones that fly south, it's amazing how they all know how to flock together and know what time we're gonna leave, where we going to leave from," "where we going to meet up at." "So, birds..." "A bird is a smart thing." "I think most birds are pretty dumb." " Call someone a birdbrain..." " That's not nice." "You said about someone in my family..." "You called the person in my family a mental midget." "Right." "I remember this one time, we were going somewhere, and it took you about 25 minutes for you to admit that we had been going the wrong direction." "And we were like an hour and a half late." "Remember that?" "I do remember that." "I'll admit that one." "Maybe you should've gone to MapQuest for directions." "That's true." "We learned our lesson." "The pueo?" "It means "owl."" "It's a very sacred animal or bird to the Hawaiian people." "We don't necessarily pray to them, but we acknowledge them around and, you know, I love the owl." " Who?" " I don't know." " What do you think about birds?" " What do I think about birds?" "Actually, that's really a thought that never crossed my mind." "Birds?" "I don't know." "That's a good..." "Like I said, I never thought about a bird." "Yeah, I have no problem with birds, I like them." "There's a lot of people don't like sea gulls but I like them." " As long as they're not all over me." " You're crazy." "What..." "What..." "What..." "Oh, well, you know, sometime, really, I get jealous of the birds, because I see them go from trees to trees, enjoy the view, everything I cannot do." "Flightless birds are not really birds." "They're not birds." "That's nature's cruelest joke." "You know..." "You know what one of my favorite birds is?" "The Double-Breasted Mattress-Thrasher." "Now you get that, don't you?" "I hate birds." "I think they're disgusting." " They carry diseases and it smells bad." " Every time I see a crow, one of those big crows, I just wanna run and like..." "That was so good." "We were, like, together." "One time I had a dream that I was a hawk." "You know, that was a good dream." "I don't know this stuff." "I wrote a poem called Being A Bird." "Being A Bird." " Pigeons are disgusting." " I don't like pigeons." "They're dirty." "I have a good, pretty good digestive system." "Okay, so, like, if I eat, you know, and I need to go to the restroom, I don't care." "I'm doing what I have to do when I have to do it, you know?" "They have no scruples." "Actually, the pigeon is known as..." "I forget the..." "I think it's called the Dutch dove or something." "It's actually a dove, you know, but it's maligned in New York City and all cities because they're so common." "People call them flying rats!" "He can do the pigeon." "Do the pigeon." "I could do Star Wars." "That's Chewie!" "The Chewie." "Chewie's the man, dude." "Piranhas and mynah birds were very big in my growing-up years." " What birds..." " Piranhas are a fish, aren't they?" "They are fish, but it was just another animal that was very cool when I was growing up." " Army ants also..." " She was talking about birds." "Why are you talking about fish?" "Because it was just in a category that's a little more general." "I was trying to branch out, so to speak, pardon the..." "That's how you play Pictionary, non sequiturs." "Yeah, I'm a very bad Pictionary player." "Dog, what are you doing?" "That's not Chewie." "That's my Chewie." "Young Chewie." "This..." "It's an interesting project." "You know?" "I always had this idea of taking, like, rodents and putting them in, like, human situations." "You know, I think that'd be funny." "I don't know, these guys know all about all that stuff." "But, you know, I wish them luck." "Love, show me some love" "That's the topic right now, love, nothing but love." "I think love is sort of sharing." " Oh, yes." " I think sometimes, you have to give a little" " and you have to take a little." " Yeah." "So you sort of have to kind of work together." "I think that's love." "So what's the definition of love?" "Good one." "In my ancestors' original language, there's no one word for love." "You tell your children you love them, you know..." "And I can't say the same thing to my wife." "I have to say..." "Which is a little more romantic." " I love this." " It's not grapey." " It's not grapey." " In that Beaujolais way." " No, it's a..." " Certainly youthful." "Oh, yeah, it's very young." " Vivacious, right?" "Yeah." " Oh, which I love." "To think, in the English language, you can say, "I love my truck, I love my dog, I love my mother,"" "with the same word." "It's culturally shocking." "Hey, did I tell you this song I wrote about my darling wife?" "It'll make you cry." "It's called God Made Her Face But She Picked Her Nose." "I wrote a cheating song one time called" "The Hair On Her Chest Was His." "How about" "I Used To Kiss Her On The Lips, But It's All Over Now?" "I guess I'm technically in a relationship right now, although I think I'm going to break up with him on Tuesday." "Today is Sunday." "So that's in two days." "I have two days to figure out how to break up with my boyfriend." "I hope he doesn't find out about this before then." "Falling in love is nothing that you can organize your life around." "Falling in love is falling out of every expectation you ever had." "I'm secretly looking for love." "She was a little girl, a little short for my taste, but..." "You're not that tall, either." " Nice..." " How tall are you?" "Nice legs." "She was a nice-looking face and nice breasts, too." "Falling in love is a messy thing." "Knowing sports is a turn-on." "You know, like, if some girl can, you know, recite the starting lineup of the Boston Red Sox, it's like, yeah, she's a keeper." "Well, I don't know if I can do that." " So am I not a keeper then?" " But I mean..." " But you know what the infield fly rule is." " Yeah." "Falling in love is your unhappy circumstance." "It never ends well." "Don't do it." "Don't do it." "I broke up with him via text message, which, looking back on it, I realize is, like, a really rude way to break up with someone." "You want talk about love?" "I think I'm in love now." "My feeling is that now we're just hanging out and, like, dating, but not really together." "But I'm pretty sure he probably has different feelings and feels like we're together." "I know the theme song from the nudist colony." "You ever heard that?" "It's called Red Tails In The Sunset." "Oh, me." ""Claims, demands, controversies, causes of actions, damages, rights," ""liabilities, no obligation whatsoever including..."" "Droit morale." "You irrevocably and unconditionally waive the benefit of any and all provisions of law, known as droit morale." "If I break my leg, I can't sue them." "That's what it says right here." "Holy-schmoly."