"# STAR WARS THEME" "That's good, stretch it out." "Stretch it out, cos we're gonna start the training." "I'm ready, Master Yoda." "I'm ready to become a Jedi." "All right, kid, let's do it." "# ROCKY IV TRAINING MONTAGE THEME" "You know, I'm up for this but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us." "(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)" "(SCREAMS)" "There's something out there." "Hm?" "There's something out there." "Where?" "Out there in the cave." "Ha." "Crazy women, always hearing things." "There's something out there." "Let's go check it out." "What's all this slime on the floor?" "Yeah, it feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach." "Wait a minute." "Hang on a second." "What's going on here?" "Something doesn't add up." "Just a minute." "Time out." "This ain't quite right." "Oh, now I get it, we should go." "Hang on, sweetheart, we're taking off." "The cave is collapsing." "This is no cave." "What?" "How come I never get any lines in these things?" "Shut up, Meg." "(CHIRPING)" "Let's take a break, your back's getting all sweaty." "Oh, sorry, it does that..." "Let's go over what we've learned." "Naked chicks - best?" "Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business." "Good." "Worst?" "Kathy Bates in About Schmidt." "Correct." "I also would've accepted the rotting old woman in The Shining, but Kathy Bates is probably worse." "What's in there?" "It feels cold." "That place is strong with the dark side." "But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead." "I'm going in there anyway." "(GASPS)" "I guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity." "(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)" "BOTH: # You and I will settle down in a cottage built for two" "# Dear little buttercup # Sweet little buttercup" "# My little buttercup BOTH: # I love you #" "OK, get ready to go to lightspeed." "One, two, three." "(ENGINE STALLING)" "(IMITATES SAD TROMBONE FANFARE)" "Crap." "No lightspeed?" "No lightspeed." "I got an idea." "Chewie, turn us around." "You're gonna attack them?" "(IMITATING LOIS) "You're gonna attack them?" That's how you sound." ""You're gonna attack them?" Imagine listening to that all day." "They're moving into attack position." "Good, put the shields up." "Oh, my God." "Where'd you get cake?" "It was Jim's birthday but I think it's all gone." "Track them, they may come around for another attack." "Captain, the ship no longer appears on our scopes." "They can't have disappeared." "No ship that small has a cloaking device." "Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit of the Millennium Falcon." "Oh, uh...tell him..." "tell him we blew it up." "Um...he's not on hold and he just heard you." "Yeah, I just heard you.  (GROANS)" "This is insane, Han, they're gonna find us here." "Yeah, and even if they don't, where can we hide after this?" "Hey, what about Lando?" "The Lando system?" "Lando's not a system, he's a black guy." "In fact, he might be the only black guy in the galaxy." "(CHUCKLES) Let's hope, right?" "ALL:" "Whoa." "(CLANKING) The Fleet's breaking up." "Chewie, get ready to release the landing claw and we'll float away with their garbage." "Release." "All right, concentrate." "What do you see?" "I see my friends." "They're in trouble, I got to save them." "Wait, Luke, that's a stupid idea." "You're not done with all your Force stuff." "Besides, you can't fight Vader." "Only an experienced Jedi could fight Vader." "Well, why don't you go?" "Yeah, you're probably ready to fight Vader." "That boy was our last hope." "No, there is another." "I know." "I have the Force, too, you know." "I don't have a landing permit, I'm trying to reach Lando Calrissian." "What the hell is he firing at me for?" "I told you not to shoot." "You're not in charge, I am." "I'm steering." "I am." "I am." "I have a steering wheel." "So do I.  That's stupid." "I know." "I know, too." "We lost them." "This is going in my report." "It's going in my report." "(CHUCKLING) Hey, Lando." "Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard." "Let me introduce everybody." "You remember Chewbacca, and this is my special friend Leia." "And that's uh..." "that's Sarge over there." "You don't know my name, do you?" "You never bothered to learn it." "What?" "We've been through all kinds of space adventures together." "Of course I know you, Slugger." "Yeah, sure." "Nice to meet you, I'm C-3PO." "C-3PO." "I was just gonna introduce you." "Why didn't you let me, C-3PO?" "Uh...maybe we should go inside." "Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO." "You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?" "J Crew outlet store?" "Oh, my God, awesome!" "Space summer is right around the corner." "Oh, my God, what happened?" "I got in a slap-fight with a prep droid over a pair of cargo shorts." "Are you guys all ready for dinner?" "I don't know, the time change is really hitting me." "I might stay in the room and watch bad TV." "It's only two hours earlier on Hoth." "What's the big deal?" "I'm having my period, OK?" "Please come in, I have nothing to say to Lando." "OK, so the door's gonna open, you say, "Freeze," and point your guns at them." "Or, you know, or should it just be me?" "Yeah, I think that would be better." "Get out." "Go, go, go." "Just me." "Oh, I wasn't ready." "Hi." "(WOOKIEE CRY)" "# Wonder Woman #" "(LAUGHS) Look, the giant chicken's Boba Fett." "Chewie, you have to take care of the princess while I'm gone." "Take care of her?" "You mean, like..." "No, what?" "No, just make sure she stays safe." "Oh, OK." "That'll be fun for me." "I love you." "(BLEEP)" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your lightsaber battle." "The Force is with you, young Skywalker." "But you are not a Jedi yet." "You're getting there, though." "I can defeat you, Vader, you'll see." "OK, so, no cutting off body parts." "Let's make that a rule." "No below-the-belt, if you know what I'm saying." "And you know what?" "How about no name-calling, you know?" "Let's not have one of those kinds of lightsaber battles." "Car." "Car coming." "We're clear." "Nice work, fellas." "And, David, you sold the most magazine subscriptions, so you get to invite four of your friends to a pizza party." "Hooray!" "Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold." "(SCOFFS) Duh." "Oh, no, we've lost Han." "They're taking him to Jabba's palace." "Even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years." "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "I would give my right hand for this day to just end." "Have we ever hit anybody with these guns?" "I hit a bird once." "(LIGHTSABERS WHOOSHING)" "(STRAINING)" "Come on, Luke, join the dark side, it's really cool." "Well, who's in it?" "Uh...me, the Emperor, this guy Scott." "You'll meet him, he's awesome." "Uh...and James Caan." "I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass." "I'll never join the dark side!" "Never!" "(GRUNTING)" "(SCREAMING) Ow, ow, ow." "MALE VOICE:" "Hey, a hand!" "There is no escape.  (PANTING)" "Don't make me destroy you." "Join me, Luke." "I will never join you." "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father." "He told me you killed him!" "No." "I..." "Uh...hang on." "Spoiler alert." "OK." "No." "I am your father." "That's fine." "I don't see how that affects..." "Wha-a-a-t?" "Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son, you know?" "It doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as... as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know?" "Two good-looking guys sharing a cramped office, running the galaxy together, you know?" "Just getting the job done, you know?" "Maybe we..." "Maybe we do it occasionally but it's not weird, you know?" "Cos we're just two guys with raging goals, you know?" "It's not even about the doing-it part, but that's a part of it, but it's not the whole thing." "(SCREAMING)" "(GRUNTS)" "Ow." "Ben..." "Ben..." "Leia..." "Leia..." "Tom Selleck..." "Leia..." "Luke." "Turn the ship around, I know where Luke is." "Are you out of your mind?" "What about those fighters?" "I said turn us around!" "# Turn the ship around" "# Leia knows where Luke is" "# Turn it upside-down" "# Take it back to Bespin #" "Is that him?" "I don't know." "Luke!" "If that's you, wave your right hand." "No, your right hand." "It's me, you (BLEEP)!" "Prepare to lock the tractor beam onto the Millennium Falcon." "All right, Chewie, punch it." "Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter and we'll get Han back." "Why are you wearing Han's clothes?" "Seriously, watch the actual movie." "Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene, it's weird." "Take care, you two." "And may the Force be with you." "BRIAN:" "There he goes with that crap, again." "Keep it in church, man." "All right." "Is this thing good to go?" "Wow." "You are a hard guy to get a compliment from." "Someday, I'm gonna buy my moms a place with a view like this." "(ENGINE POWERING UP)" "# STAR WARS REBEL FLEET END THEME" "(MUSIC STOPS THEN REWINDS)" "Wait a minute." "This is how it ends?" "There's so many questions left unanswered." "Are you Luke Skywalker?" "Yeah." "I've got something for you - a letter." ""Dear Luke, if my calculations are correct, you should receive this letter at the exact moment the DeLorean vanished." "I have been living happily for the past six months in the year 1885." "The lightning bolt that..."" "(GASPS) 1885?" "The Doc's alive!" "I mean, he's in the Old West but he's alive!" "The end." "ALL:" "Yay!" "Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one." "Actually, I think they did a good job of that already, Dad." "I'll take your word for it, I don't watch Comedy Central." "It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad." "I'm sure you know that." "No, I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has." "I think plenty of people have, their fans are loyal to them." "Oh, yeah?" "All 42 of them?" "(SIGHS) I won't let you get to me this time." "I won't let you get to me." "Maybe I got time for another story, then." "It's called Without a Paddle." "(BLEEP) you, Dad!" "subtitles by Deluxe"