"Oh, God." "Look at Martha Stewart." "Page?" "42." "Wasn't it bad enough we had to see her in a bathtub?" "Now here she is in a pilgrim hat hockin' her farkakte holiday crap." "It's ridiculous." "Makes me sick." "I love her." "I wish I was her." "Maybe it's just Thanksgiving I hate." "You know, the whole holiday family thing." "It just makes me so tense." "I swear if you put a piece of coal between my butt-cheeks today, by Hanukkah, it'd be a diamond." "Oh, I doubt that." "I'm so glad we're doing our own Thanksgiving this year." "Best decision we ever made." "We are officially no longer owned by our families." "Hey, you know what?" "Let's catch our own turkey this year." "Great." "I'll meet you in the freezer section of the Gristede's with a big net." "Hello?" "Hello." "J.P. McFarph here." "Who?" "You like that?" "A little something I'm trying out." "I think it sounds more distinguished." "You know, like H.R. Pufnstuf." "Hang on." "Let me get off the other line." "Lawrence, I gotta go." "But I had some more gossip for you about Christopher." "Here's a hint:" "he had something raised and something lowered." "Hold, please." "Holding." "Hey." "Hey." "Did you get my message about Thanksgiving at my place?" "Yeah, about that." "Um, I can't make it." "I'm spending Thanksgiving with the Chung-Poviches and the Gurley Browns." "They will get crazy if I try to back out on it." "What about in the real world?" "Oh, in the real world, I'm available, yeah." "But you have to come with me to my stepfather's hotel." "He's in town for, like, the first time in forever, and he wants to meet Elliot." "No." "No, I don't want to go." "This is my anti-family year." "Please!" "My mom is making me." "If I don't go, she won't pay half my rent." "I pay half your rent." "Yeah, so does Karen." "Come on." "It's 30 minutes alone in a hotel room with a stranger." "God, I miss the eighties." "Oh." "Hang on." "Hello?" "Hey." "Hey." "You know, you hung up on me before." "Yeah. whatever." "Look, my mom didn't get the part she wanted in the Schenectady Women's Center production of Queen Lear." "She's really depressed, so we have to make a quick stop at my Aunt Honey's in Brooklyn on Thanksgiving." "We?" "Grace, if I wanted to be around depressed women" "I'd go to Connecticut and hang out with my mother and her sisters, the haters." "Please!" "If I go alone, who am I gonna give my aren't-these-people-nuts look to?" "The nuts themselves?" "Hold on." "Grace Adler Designs." "Oh, honey, change that blouse." "You work in an office, not a pirate ship." "You can't even see me." "Oh, can't I?" "Turn around." "Ha ha!" "Made you look!" "Listen, I got your message about Thanksgiving and you can count me in." "Great." "The only thing is I need to make a quick stop at the prison." "I gotta bring Stan a couple of turkeys and a bib made of mashed potatoes." "And I want you to come with." "Oh, I can't." "I have to get dinner ready and then I have" "Oh, great." "That's fantastic." "Well, thanks." "Listen." "I'll just go to the prison alone then." "Where my husband is..." "On Thanksgiving." "Alone...." "Prison...." "Husband...." "Thanksgiving...." "Alone...." "Alone!" "Prison!" "Aren't you gonna say anything?" "!" "Hold on." "Hey, so will you go with me to Aunt Honey's?" "Ok, but then we're gonna have to stop by my family's, too." "Why?" "Because..." "If my mom ever finds out that we did yours and not hers, she'll-- she'll summon a winter that'll last a thousand years." "Oops." "I got Jack." "Hold on." "Hey." "Do not leave me on hold that long!" "That might've been fine for Jack McFarland, but J.P. McFarph will not take this guff!" "Ok, listen." "I'll go to your stepdad's with you if you go to my parents' house with me and Grace's Aunt Honey's house with her." "Ok." "Cool." "Hold on." "Hey." "Hey." "Ok, I'll go to Aunt Honey's with you if you'll go to my parents' with me, and we have to stop by Jack's stepdad's with him." "Ok, you go to Aunt Honey's with me, I go to your parents' with you and Jack's stepdad's with him." "And then we can go with Karen real quick to visit Stan in prison?" "Why not?" "Great." "Hey." "Ho." "I think we got it." "I'll go to prison with you if you go to my Aunt Honey's with me and Will's parents' with him and Jack's stepdad's with him, and then we'll all come back and have a nice Thanksgiving dinner, ok?" "No." "What?" "I don't wanna." "But" " I" " Then" "Oh, ok." "Great." "Hey, ok." "I think we got it." "I'll see you later." "Right." "Jack, that'll be the plan." "See you later." "Yeah." "Talk to you later." "Mother, can you get the door?" "I'm on hold." "Grace, while I got it out, want to start a family?" "You know what's funny about that?" "What?" "No, I'm asking." "Happy Thanksgiving, people." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Mmm. oh, what smells so good?" "Well, I did a little something with the stuffing this year." "This sort of aromatic" "Oh, no." "Here it is." "Rosario, thanks for coming." "We're gonna be out all afternoon, so it's really important you gotta baste the turkey like, every 20 minutes or so." "You told me we were going to Tony Roma's and then to a late movie." "Oh, we're going to a movie." "Yeah, it's a dirty flick." "It's called Rosie Does Dishes." "Ok." "Let's get going, and let's try to keep the eating to a minimum, not spoil our appetites by gorging on everybody else's turkey and stuffing and pecan pie." "Why do you look at me when you say that?" "Who should I be looking at?" "Me." "Ok, I figure we each get one hour." "We'll set this timer and when it goes off..." "We're out of there no matter what." "We do not respond to guilt, shame, tears, or flattery." "Why do you look at me when you say that?" "Who should I be looking at?" "Me." "So, listen for the ding." "That loud, piercing, high-pitched sound." "Why do you look at me when you say that?" "We respond only to the ding because only the ding will set us free." "Understand?" "Let's try it." "Well, this piece fell off already." "But if I get this knife, this piece will come right off." "Ok." "Karen, one hour." "I don't mean to rush you, but if we're gonna get back in time for dinner, we've all got to stick to the plan." "You gays and your discipline." "No wonder you all end up in the clergy." "Ok, Kar." "Let's go." "Oh, no." "That's ok, honey, I'll go alone." "Besides, you're not really dressed for prison." "Too nice?" "Sure, let's go with that." "Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Walker." "I brought you a turkey and, uh, if you look inside, I hid a little surprise in there for you." "A chicken." "What's that, hon?" "You miss the kids?" "Ok." "Here they are." "Oh, you're welcome, Mr. Walker." "Come on." "What?" "Well, of course, Stanley." "You can talk to me about anything." "I hope you don't mind, Will." "I had some of your water." "I didn't have a water." "Not mine." "And Karen doesn't drink water." "Oh, my God!" "Rental-car-stranger water!" "Oh, my God!" "How do I know this was water?" "You know, when boys go on road trips, they don't make pee-stops They just use a water bottle." "Oh, my God!" "Grace, don't you think you would've noticed if you were drinking pee?" "There's still 40 minutes left on the timer." "What happened?" "Oh, we were done." "There's really not much left to say after your husband tells you he wants you to start sleeping with other people." "That's intense." "Aah!" "I did it again!" "He must have been kidding." "What exactly did Stan say?" "He said he wasn't sure how long he was gonna be in there and it wasn't fair to ask me to wait for him." "He wants me to be sexually satisfied while he's in prison." "I don't know why." "He certainly didn't care while he was out." "Well, maybe it's-- It's not called cheating if you have permission." "Yeah, maybe it's just called fantastic." "Well, it doesn't matter." "Even if, at this very moment, his cellmate is tattooing "Property of Javier"" "on Stan's fat, wide ass with a hot ballpoint, I'm a one-man woman!" "Woman?" "I think you mean "lady."" "Ok, listen." "We're getting close to Aunt Honey's, so I need to brief you." "Whatever you do, do not tell my mother that Nathan and I broke up." "You haven't told her?" "You see how I went up at the end, like I cared?" "Look, she always said that I was wasting my time with him, and there's nothing she loves more than saying "I told you so."" "She's so obnoxious." "She even has a little told-you-so dance." "Grace, you have an I-told-you-so dance." "Yeah, well... but mine's cute." "Everyone thinks so." "Who's everyone?" "Shouldn't you be looking for a parking space?" "The only good news is that my mother's still depressed about not getting that part in Queen Lear, so there's a chance she won't sing." "Am I blue?" "Am I blue?" "Are these tears in my eyes tellin' you?" "KAREN:" "We'll back out real slow-like." "I don't think we've been spotted." "Look who it is!" "Oh, hey!" "My Graçala." "Come here." "Aunt Honey!" "I have to kiss everybody twice, like in France." "Hello, darling." "I'm very depressed." "We don't have to talk about it." "Ok." "Sorry we're late." "We had to walk a mile and a half from Will's parking space." "Uh, excuse me." "Will's kick-ass parking space." "Yeah." "On the corner of "Urine" and "Crime Spree."" "Ok, everyone." "These are my friends, Jack, Karen." "You all know Will." "Hello." "Hi." "Oh, bonjour." "Oh, bonjour." "Ok." "Oh, wonderful." "Oh, I love the whole kitschy thing you got going on here." "What do you mean, kitschy?" "I--I meant..." "Kitschy-kitschy-koo, look at you." "Ok." "Introductions." "Uncle Sid, Aunt Reba, Uncle Joe, Uncle Funny." "Acid reflux, I.B.S., bursitis, phlebitis." "Julius!" "And this is Julius, my mom's pianist." "Pianist." "Hello." "Oh, uh, we've met." "And so we meet again..." "For the first time." "So, you're the boyfriend." "No, actually." "I'm--I'm not the boyfriend." "He's the boyfriend." "God, no!" "Where's the boyfriend?" "Yeah, where is the boyfriend, or, as I like to call him, "It'll end in tears."" "His name is Nathan, mom, a nd he's with his own family." "How are you?" "Well, I guess for someone who's been kicked in the knockers by the business that I devoted my entire life to, I'm ok." "I'm ok." "I'm devastated." "Oh...." "Thanks for comin'." "I saw that." "What are you taking?" "Give me one." "I got a really bad back." "Well, I guess these things can be used for pain." "So, how'd you hurt your back?" "Runnin' away from good taste?" "You got some mouth on you." "It so happens that I strained it during a round of passionate lovemaking with my super, Mr. Lopez." "I'm committing adultery." "...and I had a cousin who was in a car accident." "When they opened him up, can you guess what they found?" "A smaller cousin?" "What is that?" "How could they find a smaller cousin inside my cousin?" "I was really just" " I was just joking." "Why would you joke about such a thing?" "I'm telling you a story about my cousin who was in a car accident." "He's dead now, in fact." "Still funny, Mr. Jan Murray?" "So, this super, uh..." "How good are we talkin' here?" "Let's just say everything in the building is broken, but I still call him "super."" "I mean, there's really nothing stopping me." "My husband did give me permission." "Well, my husband gave me permission, too." "Ever since he spent our entire nest egg on a Toyota MR2." "I tell ya, Jackie." "It's a rough business." "10% talent, 20% looks, and 70% is luck of the draw." "God, that's so depressing." "I mean, you want to believe that sexual favors play some part in it." "I'll never be happy again." "It's over for me." "I may not even audition for The Ice Person Cometh." "Hey, Bobbi." "Come on." "Cheer up." "No." "Huh?" "It's not that bad." "Smile a little bit." "Come on, at least Nathan dumped Grace." "What?" "Crap." "Oh, sweetheart." "I'm so sorry." "What?" "What just happened?" "What?" "How you must feel." "The pain." "Dumped by a bran flake." "What?" "!" "How do you--!" "Jack." "Wait, wait." "Before you say anything, let me just ask you this..." "Sweetheart." "No, no, no." "Get away from me, ok?" "Oh, now, come on, now, now." "A woman needs to be with her mother at a time like this." "Mom, just stay where you are." "Julius, will you please help?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I never come between a woman and her mother." "I made that mistake with my first wife." "What?" "Oh, honey, I know how awful it is that it didn't work out for the two of you, and I'm afraid that I have to say" "No." "Don't say it." "Oh, well, I" " I think I have to say it." "No, mom." "I am really, really, really vulnerable right now." "Well, maybe I don't have to say it." "I'll just do the dance." "No, mom. please." "I told you so." "I told you so." "I told you, told you, told you so." "You can't act!" "What?" "You stink!" "I just wish that I had said this to you before your audition so that I, too, could know the joy of saying "I told you so."" "Told you so." "Told you so." "Told ya, told ya, told ya so" "Gotta go." "Love you." "Call me tomorrow." "Have a good Thanksgiving." "It's the one thing I asked you not to do!" "The woman was depressed." "I felt it was my duty as a fellow thespian to turn her mask of tragedy into one of comedy." "I'm gonna hurt you." "Right now." "Hey, hey!" "That's enough!" "It's over!" "Wait, slow down." "Slow down." "I know it's right along here somewhere." "I can never remember which building is Elliot's." "Could it be that one he's standing in front of and waving?" "No, that's not it." "We might be on the wrong street." "Oh." "Hey, Elliot." "Hey, Elliot." "Here." "My mom made you a pie." "Um, she's not a very good cook." "It started out a taco salad." "Hey." "Kid." "Ever cheated?" "Uh, once, on an algebra quiz." "Did it feel good?" "I got a 90." "Ok." "Fasten your seat belts, folks." "You are about to meet my stepdad..." "A man whose cruelty is exceeded only by his inability to love." "Well, that sucks." "I'm just sayin', he's like ice." "He's the meanest man alive." "Welcome!" "Welcome." "I'm so thrilled to finally meet Jack's friends." "Hi, how are you?" "Good to see you." "Jackie!" "Father." "You're looking distant and shaming." "Ok." "So, you must be Elliot." "Nice to meet you." "Ah, please." "Make yourselves at home." "I brought some food up, I got some drinks there." "I'm just so glad you're all here." "As they say at my friend Sue Casa's house: mi casa es su casa." "He barely knows Sue Casa." "Help yourselves." "Karen, want something to drink?" "No." "I'm thinking about cheating on Stan." "That means a double vodka." "So, Jack." "I got you a little something." "I wonder what this could be." "Your approval?" "No, doesn't feel heavy enough." "Ok." "So tell me, Elliot." "What do you do for a living?" "Uh, I go to seventh grade." "Oh, that's a good job." "You married?" "Divorced." "Me, too." "I'm divorced, too." "I guess nobody cares about that!" "Jack, it's the holidays." "Let's have a little fun around here." "Elliot." "Can I get you some juice?" "Oh, what is that supposed to be?" "Some, like, weird dig at me?" "Like, juice?" "Like, fruit juice?" "Like, ooh, I'm gay?" "Oh." "Oh, before I forget, I didn't have time to wrap it, but here." "I hope you like..." "Football!" "He doesn't like it at all." "Yeah, I do." "I love football." "I'm on the team at school and my mom hates it." "Oh, hey, moms are supposed to hate it." "Jack wasn't a big fan of it either when he was growing up." "I gave him a ball once for his birthday, and he put it in his shirt and told everyone he was pregnant with George Michael's baby."