"In the mining town of Gold Lick the year was 1870." "The Chinese came to work and rid themselves of poverty." "Then one night it happened, the disaster struck." "A rumble from below, the Chinese were stuck." "An old Chinaman prayed all the loved ones he's so cherished." "Asking the Saint of curd to protect to souls who perished." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-Di is his name." "Guan-You, Guan-Me, Guan-Di." "Guan-Di is his name." "WELCOME TO GOLD LICK POPULATION 339" "Bull's-eye, yeah." " Here, have a swig, man." " No, it's okay." "Thanks." "Come on, it's just beer, you pussy, have a drink." "All right, fine." " I love beer." " Yeah, I can tell." "I thought I told you to ditch all this monster movie crap." " What's wrong with it?" " Jesus, Jeff." "When are you gonna grow up?" "Getting you laid is hard enough without having to explain the whole Bruce Campbell factor." "What's wrong with Bruce Campbell?" "Death of the Dead?" "Maniac Cop?" "Moonwarp?" "Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor of his generation!" "Man with the Screaming Brain." "Alien Apocalypse." "Oh, here's a good one, Cave Alien." "That is a good one!" "Yeah, "Bruce Campbell is Lieutenant Jack Stryker," ""a rogue clone warrior and mankind's last hope against the deadly cave aliens."" "Yeah." "So?" "Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert wouldn't wipe his crack with this trash." "Get out of the car." " What?" " You don't like Bruce, you walk!" "Hey, take it easy, man." "Besides, I kind of liked Bubba Ho-tep." "Everyone liked Bubba Ho-tep!" "Calm down." "Okay." "All right, fine." " Now, can we please go get laid?" " All right." "Holy shit." "Boo!" "Dick!" "Dude, just fucking with you." "Come on." "What the hell?" "You scream like a girl." "Jeff, Little Debbie." "Hey." "Clayton, Big Debbie." " Hey." " Hey." "Come on, let's go check out this creepy graveyard." "When I told the mascara queen about this old graveyard," " she practically dry humped me on the spot." "Yeah." " She's sort of cute." " Yeah." "Don't worry, hard on." "Morticia's all yours." "I'm gonna go practice my human fly on little Miss Skyscraper over there." " Hey." " Hi." "They look ancient, historic." "Yeah, these graves have been around since the cave-in of..." "A long time ago." "Must have meant a lot to these people." "Let's break something." "As long as it's not my heart." "What do you say?" "Give me some sugar, baby." " What?" " Hey, look." "We can play the hard to get all night, but if this game's called eye-tag, your lips say I'm it." "Your loss, baby." "Your loss." "So, why haven't I seen you around school?" " That's 'cause I'm never there." " Cool." " You seeing anybody?" " No." "Cool." "Groovy." "Christ!" "Shit!" "Run!" "Get the hell out of here!" "Freak." "Shit, Clayton, run!" "Yeah, right, Romeo." "Shit!" " What's up with that fucking lightning?" " That's heat lightning, baby." " Jeff, don't leave me!" " Come on, Clayton, run!" "Jeff!" "Jeff, don't leave me, man!" "Come on, man!" "Don't fucking leave me!" "No!" "No!" "Shit!" "What did I do?" "What did I do?" "Hold it right there." "What's wrong with you, Stryker?" "We've got the cave alien cornered." "Okay, so transmit the scans up to Delta Baker, plant some bio blasters and send out for Chinese." " Colonel Parker's still trapped down there." " Cry me a river, toots." "Last time I ran into Colonel Parker, he had me in front of a firing squad!" "Coward!" "I should have left you on Regula Nine." "You know you couldn't do that, baby." "Yeah." "That's right." "You knew they built me out of your old man's DNA, don't you?" "So I say we keep in the family and start swapping some spit, ASAP." " You're disgusting." " I'm a man." "And I've wanted to do this ever since we landed on this rock." "Damn it!" "We're surrounded!" "Behind you!" "Look out!" "Get down!" "Watch out, watch out!" "Take him out!" "Take him out!" "Can't you die?" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" " Dude, light me, don't fight me." " Hey, bite me." "Bruce, that was sweet." "Don't you think it was just, I don't know, a little over the top?" "No, no, no." "It was very Caligula meets The Apple Dumpling Gang." "That's not an answer." "It was perfect for Cave Alien 2." "Moving on!" "Hey, Tiny, fetch me another lemon water, will you?" " They just ran out, man." " Well, then, dude, you run out, capiche?" "Come on, now." "Nice job, baby." "I'll tell you, what a relief, on these down-and-dirty shows, to be working with a pro." "I wouldn't know." "Good." "God damn it. "Get me some lemon water." "Give me some sugar, baby."" "Perfect." "Get a load of this, bitch." "Hey, I know this bar off Cahuenga where the drinks are cheap, and, well, I'll be there." "Hello?" "Oh, hello." "No, you're not interrupting anything." "At least think it over." "Mr. Campbell, that refreshing lemon water you asked for, sir." "Thanks." "Hey." " This is warm." " Sir, I'm sorry." "I'll make sure you get an ice-cold case of it in your trailer by the morning." "All right." "You're lucky." "See to it." "Man, that's good." "Boo." "You're on." "Hey, guys, how you doing?" "Here you go." "One for you." "One for you." " Mr. Campbell?" "Mr. Campbell?" " Yeah." "When you were in Army of Darkness, when you were stuck down in the pit, how did you get your shotgun back?" "Talk to the writer, man, I don't know." "Hey, when you worked with Ellen, did it turn you gay?" "No, but your stupid question did." "Why did you do Serving Sara?" "Why did I do Serving Sara?" "For the money, mouth breather, why else?" "For the love of God, what is that stench?" "Here, it's called deodorant." "Look it up on your Internets." "See you, boys." "Late for a soirée." " Hey, Mr. Campbell?" " Yeah." "Give me your autograph." " Got a pen?" " Why, you ain't got no pen?" " What's your name?" " Gerard." "Okay." "Here you go, Gerard." "Have a good one, buddy." "Yeah, hey, hey, hey." "That's Gerard with a "G."" "Here you go, Gerard." "Have a good one, buddy." "Yeah, hey, Mr. Campbell, come on." "You got a more recent picture than this?" "Let me ask you something." " Ever see Rawhide?" " Yeah." " You like it?" " Yeah." "Well, then you know you gotta keep them doggies rolling." "Hey!" "Freak." "Nice rack." "All right!" "Yeah, baby!" "Yo, baby cakes, how about a bourbon with a loaded revolver back?" "How about you wait your turn, jerk?" "There's more where that came from." "Okay." "All right." "That's it." "Good girl." "You." "You, give me some sugar, baby." "You." "Okay." "Huh?" " How you doing?" " Good." "Good." " Hey, good news." " Yeah?" "Yeah, I made the trades today." " Really?" " Yeah, check the obituaries." "You'll find my career there." "You know, Bruce, I just talked to the studio." "They saw the dailies for Cave Alien 2." "They said you have never been better." "Yeah, that's because unlike most action stars," "I can speak..." "What's the word?" "English." " Will that be cash?" " Oh, yeah, that'll be cash, all right." "My friend and agent, Mr. Mills Toddner, here will take care of that." "That's perfect." "You keep the change." "Don't be a stranger." " Sure, it's a special occasion." " Yeah, it's a special occasion." "It's the night I fire your polyester ass." "Bruce, I'm sensing a little hostility coming this way." "Yeah?" "You think so?" "Maybe that's because I've spent the last six days of my life making a sequel to one of the crappiest movies ever." " You make lots of crappy movies." " Oh, that doesn't help." "Liquor!" "Liquor, please!" "Look, the customer reviews on Amazon were great." "Yeah, the ones you posted." "BC, I sense that you wanna unload." "I sense that you have a lot on your mind." "So, I'm here." "Give it to me." "It's just that I think that..." "Excuse me." "Gotta take this." "Go on." "I'm sorry." "It's just that I think I'm losing my muse." "Do you know what I mean?" "The childlike, innocent quality that all great artists tap to create." "Now, if an actor's life is like a painting, then it's a work in progress." "But how can I create my great masterpiece if my paint is drying up, my canvas is cracked and all my brushes are covered with a fake monster blood?" " It's Cheryl, isn't it?" " No." " It's Cheryl." " I said no." " You can't stop thinking about her." " lf I say no three times, will the Candyman come out?" "You were fired before, you're twice as fired now." "Okay, you'll never know what I got you for your birthday." "My birthday?" "You actually remembered my birthday?" "Compadre, hello." "Loco." "I am your agent." "You are my number one client." " lf this is another Matthew Perry movie..." " Better." " Give me a hint." " But you fired me so..." "God damn it, Mills!" "Just tell me." "Okay." "Let's just say this is gonna be the best birthday present you've ever had." " Nice." " You're crazy." " No, you are." " We're celebrating." "I love you, man." "How about it?" "Excuse me." "I gotta take this." "Sorry." "Hello?" "Movie." "Movie, movie." "This bean curd's kind of watery and gross." "Well, you did get the winning goal, didn't you?" " Yeah." " Finish your bean curd." "It's still gross." " What was that, Mom?" " I'm not sure, Skippy." "You stay here." "Must die!" "Sorry." "I don't know why I'm complaining." "I'm a lucky guy." "I've got my health." "Jesus!" "My divorce is final." "Lousy whore." "And I got my loyal fans, who hated my last movie." "Hated my last five movies." "Yeah." "Me and my wonderful, wonderful fans." "That was easy." "Hey, buddy." "Hey, little Sam'nRob." "Come here, boy." "Come on." "What's the matter?" "You thought I forgot about you, didn't you, huh?" "Time for some hooch." "Come on!" "Hooch for the pooch." "There you go." "And some for Dad." "What's on the boob tube?" "And now part nine of an ongoing, exclusive, investigative series." "Oh, who wants to watch that horseshit?" "Next, we take a scary look at the life and times of B-movie horror star Bruce Campbell." "Hey, I know that guy." "Yeah, that's entertainment." "I'll drink to that." "Campbell, best known for his parts in the horrific Evil Dead films, appears to have disappeared from the entertainment scene." "What?" "Tonight, our "Where Are They Now" reporter, Charlie Payne, takes an affectionate look back on a promising career that many feel was squandered on low-budget trash." "You shut your face." "They're treating me like I'm a has-been!" "Like I'm..." "Like I'm all washed up." "They're trying to make me look pathetic." "Yeah, they are." "Not me." "Not me!" "Oh, God." " Hello?" " Hello, Cheryl." "It's me." " Bruce, what now?" " Oh, I was just, you know, celebrating the almost wrap of my latest movie." "You know, just one more day." "You got into the dog's bowl again, didn't you?" "Shut up, you selfish mutt!" "It's your birthday, isn't it?" "Every year, it's the same old "poor me" routine." "Oh, come on, can't a guy get bombed and call his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning without it meaning something?" "Bruce, I talked to Mills today." "Yeah?" "What did old "Ten Percent" have to say?" "Oh, just that you were depressed." "So he's planning something special for your birthday." "Yeah?" "Did he say what?" "No, no." "It's a surprise." "Oh, come on, Cheryl." "Tell me." "Tell me, please, please, Cheryl." " I'm hanging up." " No, no, no, don't." "Don't, baby!" "I'm sorry." "How did things get so messed up between us?" "Oh..." "You slept with the dog sitter, Bruce." "One lousy mistake." " All of them." " Okay, 12 lousy mistakes." "But come on, baby." "I was confused then." "I'm fine now." "God, I miss you and the kids." "What kids?" "The ones we would have had if you'd just hung on!" "You wanna know the truth about us, Bruce?" "It wasn't the cheating, or the boozing, or even the endless whining that killed our marriage." "You just couldn't commit, to your career, to our relationship, to much of anything." "So, the cheating, boozing and endless whining were okay?" " Who was that, baby?" " Oh, nobody." "Come on, Millsy, introduce me to big Jim one more time." "I already set up the meeting." "Let me make a call." "What could you possibly want at 4:30 in the morning?" " Mr. Campbell, we need your help." " I need my sleep." "Sir, Gold Lick needs you." "A group of teenagers unwittingly unleashed Guan-Di, the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead." "And unless you help us stop him, he will kill every one of us." "Okay, settle down." "I'm gonna give you some advice, okay?" "Keep it under a-million-and-half, get one name actor, and if you go straight to DVD, you might break even." " Now, fuck off!" " Mr. Campbell!" "Oh, man, I've heard some lame pitches in my day, but that takes the cake." "I said get lost, you little..." "Huh." "A quarter." "What the hell?" "Hey!" "Hey, let me out of here!" "Mr. Campbell, are you okay?" " Who..." "Who are you?" " This is Jeff." "Look, I'm sorry about the whole baseball bat thing." "Look, I left some Twinkies back there." "And there's a flashlight next to the spare." "Oh, I also left an empty bottle back there, if you need to, you know..." "Look, Mr. Campbell, I know you're probably tired and sore, and suffering from a concussion, but is it true you're making a sequel to Cave Alien?" "Oh, my God." "He's a fan." "It finally happened." "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, for God's sake, kid, at least go easy on the bumps!" "I'm sorry, Mr. Campbell, I'll do my best." " Gin." " Dang it." "That's three in a row, Edna." " What was that, Hank?" " I don't know." "Sounded like something out by the barn." "You close that door." "You lock it." "But, Hank, what if you need to come back in?" "You just close that door, and don't open it, no matter what you hear!" "Oh, Lord!" "Lord!" "Open the door!" "Open the door, Edna!" "But, Hank, you said don't open the door!" "For Christ's sake, woman, we've been married for 35 years!" "Open the goddamn door!" "Got you!" "There weren't nothing out there." "I was just funning with you." "You old fool, I can't believe you got me like that." "You should have seen the look on your face." ""Hey, Luigi, paint the sign."" "I tell you something, you paint the damn sign." "But I do." "Hmm." "I paint a beauty sign." "Hip-hip hurray!" "Hip-hip hurray!" "Hip-hip hurray!" "Welcome to Gold Lick, Mr. Campbell!" " Gold Lick?" "Where the fuck is Gold Lick?" " Hey, easy, man." "That's the mayor." "I don't give a shit if he's the king of kiss-my-assy." "I just spent the last six hours in a trunk and I want some answers chop-chop, and I..." "Well, hello." "Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath, sweet cakes." "And if you're lucky, a little later, I'll let you play with my boom stick." "What?" "Now, I don't imagine you get moving pictures here in this farthole, so let me explain something." "What you just did, you just kidnapped a movie star, you got that?" "So you didn't just commit a crime against me, which was pretty freaking huge!" "You committed a crime against art itself." "In fact, I was due back on the set of my latest motion picture hours ago, and you can bet your bottom dollar they're gonna be doing everything they can to get me back." "What are we waiting for?" "A- hole Campbell didn't show up." "On to plan B, my friend." "Okay, people, big energy." "Let's go!" "Action!" "That's good." "So as much as I'd love to hang around here until the FBI rips you grit-eaters a new one..." "Mr. Campbell, I don't understand." "Your agent said you were free." "What does my agent have to do with any of this?" "Well, he just said not to book you on your birthday, or something like that." "My birthday?" "My birthday." "My birthday, that's it." "Mills, you magnificent bastard." "When you said there was a surprise in store, holy moley..." "That's a great tie, by the way." "I gotta make a phone call." "I'll be right back." "Don't do anything quaint until I return." "Mills Toddner's office." " Yes, Mills Toddner, please." " Who's calling?" " Bruce Campbell." " Who?" " Bruce Campbell." " He's not here." "Voicemail okay?" " Yeah, voicemail is fine." "Mills, thrill me." " Mills, listen, Campbell here." "I gotta tell you, pal, this is, without a doubt, the most outrageous birthday present I've ever gotten." "So thanks, man." "You're beautiful, and that whole firing thing, what are you, crazy?" "It's a joke, come on." "Now, I know you guys probably can't break character, but I gotta tell you, man, you really had me going." "You really did." " I don't understand." " Well, for a minute there," "I thought I was in the sequel of Deliverance, you know, and someone was about to say, "Squeal like a pig, boy."" "Yes, there's no reason beating around the bush, and I realize this is rather unorthodox but..." "Say no more, Mr. Mayor." "My hero senses are tingling." "I sense that the town of Gold Lick is in trouble." "Huh?" "Big trouble and you need my help." "Hmm?" "Do you?" "You need my help, Mr. Mayor?" " Yes or no?" " That's exactly right." "How about that?" "Put the words right in your mouth, didn't I?" "But not just any help, huh?" "You need someone special, someone who can take on a heinous monster and stop him in his tracks and take him to justice." "That would be me." "Whoa!" "Mr. Mayor, your worries are over 'cause there's a new sheriff in town and he's gonna clean up this mess." "Gold Lick, it's a good day." "I'm here to help!" "Let's hear it for Mr. Bruce Campbell." "Hip-hip hurray!" "Hip-hip hurray!" "Hip-hip hurray!" "Now, it's just another day in the life of a hero." "Mr. Mayor, tell us what's next." "We'd like to show you exactly what you're up against." "Leather, red leather, yellow leather, red, yellow, red leather, yellow leather." "Ow!" " My foot!" " Pardon me there, Gomer Pyle." " Jesus!" " Oh, excuse me, Goober." "Boy, this is exciting, huh?" " Think they'll give me the key to the city?" " I doubt it." "How about the key to your place?" "I'm sorry, we haven't met." "I'm Kelly Graham." "Graham?" "Well, I'll bet all the boys go cracker over you." "That was funny when I was six." "Well, I was six once." "Hey, we already have something in common." "Oh, heck." "I'm..." "I'm Bruce." "Bruce Campbell." "Yes, I'm well aware of that." "Jeff's been bragging about you for years." "Ah..." " Uber fan's connected to you, huh?" " I'm afraid so." " Younger brother?" " Son." " Young mother." " It's a country thing." "Oh, hey, a MILF is a MILF." "But I don't see a wedding ring." "Are you married or happy, Kelly Graham?" "I'm not sure I'm comfortable answering that." "Mr. Campbell, if you're ready." "Yeah, knock yourself out, chief." "Showtime, huh?" "Mr. Treppin, let's start the slide show." "As we all know, Gold Lick is a mining community." "In the late 1850s, hundreds of Chinese immigrants came to our shores to help work the claims." "At her height, the Triple-T mine employed hundreds of Chinese immigrant laborers." "They worked long hours, in primitive conditions, surviving on rice and bean curd." "Oh!" "Then disaster struck." "You want disaster?" "Anyone here seen Assault on Dome 4?" " That's probably my favorite movie..." " Don't answer that." "A mine shaft cave-in." "Over a hundred Chinese were buried alive and remain there today." "Gold Lick has never been the same since." "That guy's pretty good." "Did he come from dinner theater?" "No, Iowa." "You know, they go to all that trouble to kidnap somebody," "I'd have kidnapped that Jake character from Evil Dead II." "My money'd bet on that blacksmith from Army of Darkness." " Now, that's one stud." " Damn straight." "I wish I could quit you." "Soon after, rumors began to spread of a curse." "Okay." "When did my ex-wife start modeling?" "Mom, that's it." "That's the thing." "Legend has it that a Chinese demon was summoned to protect the spirits of all those who had died." "Mom." "A warning." "He who would confront Guan-Di, would also confront death itself." " Well, hello, Mr. Plaitpoint." " His name is Wing." "He's one of the last surviving descendents of the dead laborers." "Guan-Di has been unleashed from his grave." "I'm sorry, was that "unreashed"?" "Unleashed, unleashed." "What's the matter?" "Don't you speak English?" "Guan-Di, great warrior." "Guan-Di, protector of dead, savior of the innocent and the bean curd." "Bean curd?" "What..." "Bean curd's a popular Chinese dish." "You..." "You chatter like monkey." "I call you Chattering Monkey." "His grave has been disturbed." "And Guan-Di will not stop until every last relative of the one who did this lay rotting in the earth." "Well, hell, what could be so bad about that?" "Okay, blood relatives, raise your hand." "Guan-Di knows that you and I are not related, right?" "I shall do an ancient Chinese dance, which will rid you all of the curse of Guan-Di." "Has he been dispelled?" "No?" "Okay, you're all going to die." "But know this," "Guan-Di grows stronger with every person he kills, until all of you will die!" "Will die!" "He's gone!" "No, no." "Actually, he's..." "He's right..." "Well, folks, it looks like the presentation is over." "Just be careful on your way home, and look out for your neighbors." "Boy, that was exciting." "As you can see, Mr. Campbell, the future of Gold Lick rests in your hands." "We sure appreciate you being here." "We were thinking you might want to freshen up and get a bite to eat before you lead us into battle." "Mr. Mayor, that's a good idea." "'Cause I always freshen up before I go into battle and kill monsters." " You don't want to leave a bad impression." " Lordy, you're good people." "You're welcome to wash up at my tavern." "Well, that's good 'cause, as you can see, I'm a dirty little boy." "Oh, oh, yeah, and I've got a nice little place upstairs." "You can wait there until dinner and no one will hassle you or anything." "Well, Jeff, if you insist." "I'd say the only thing missing is the stool sample." " Yeah, I guess I am kind of a fan." " Yeah, do you think?" " That's not familiar." " Hey, hey." "That's personal." "Look, Mr. Campbell, I fixed you up a room back here." "I gave you some fresh towels and clothes and..." "Look, I know this is a big imposition for you so whatever I can do to make feel you at home, just let me know, okay?" "First of all, kid, Mr. Campbell makes soup." "My name is Bruce." "Secondly, you wanna get on my good side, you'll dig up a bar of soap and a bottle of Jack, and not in that order." "Nothing like a shower to wash the blues away." "Jeff, where the heck did you find this Evil Dead shampoo?" "Bruce, that's drain cleaner." "Oh..." "Maybe that would explain the burning sensation." "What?" "Well, it's just that you're going up against Guan-Di tonight and you're not even scared." "You don't know fear, kid." "You never worked with Sam Raimi." "You know, compared to most hell spawn, this Guan-Di cat's no biggie-mo." " Really?" " Nah." "You know, in the hero business, you only really have to remember two things." "One, most monsters are just a guy in a rubber suit." "Two, you can't fight a guy in a rubber suit on an empty stomach." "So this particular hero needs some food and some drink." "There's Bruce Campbell." " Pick your poison, Mr. Campbell." " Oh, I hardly ever touch the stuff." " It's on the house." " Well, in that case," "I'll take a slow screw against the wall and make it a double." "Maybe this is all a big joke to you, but Jeff's talked the whole town into thinking you're gonna save us from this Guan-Di." "Yeah, and?" "And as far as I can tell, you're pretty much full of shit." "Sounds to me like you're wandering from the script, sister." "Didn't you read the fine print?" "Never piss off the hero." "Hey, hey, Kelly's been known to speak her mind." "Sounds to me like she needs to be recast." "She adlibs too much." "Walk with me, Mr. Campbell." "Walk, walk with me." "You know, if I wanted to take shit from a bunch of bogus actors," "I'd go back to LA." " Get that out of my face." " Sure, sure, I understand, Mr. Campbell." "But you see, Kelly's been through a rough patch." "Her whining, cheating, boozing husband left her and Jeff in the lurch, and she just hasn't been herself lately." "Go ahead and have a seat." "We're gonna treat you so many ways, you're bound to like one." "And we appreciate you being here." "Yeah, you could have spelled my name right." "Hey, Kelly, like it or not, that man is our salvation." "Good gravy, you've got to play ball." "He's talking like he's crazy, like none of this is real." "You know, great warriors are often on a different plane than you and I." "Service, please." "Eccentricity is often the brother to greatness." "And obnoxiousness is often the brother of a black eye." "Oh, I admit, he is bit of an odd duck, but hopefully, he'll be gone lickety-split and we can get back to our normal life." "I just hope you're right." "Could it possibly get worse?" "May I have another sarsaparilla?" "Ding, ding." "Can you fill her up, buddy?" "Oh, for crying out loud." "Hey, sometime today would be great." "Hey, you old ball sack, I've been honking for you." "I want some gas." "Oh, I got you." "You're still upset about your little sister, Wanda." "Well, truth is, it was late, she was lonely, and I was using my wrong head." "Jesus Christ." "Please!" "Can't a guy get something to eat around here?" "Time for some dancing." "Ma'am, may I have this dance?" " Do you believe in reincarnation?" " Why?" "Because it's not gonna happen in this lifetime." "Well, there's a cold wind blowing in Gold Lick tonight." "What's the matter?" "Can't you take a joke, Mr. Actor Boy?" "I'd love to dance with you." " Do you really mean that?" " Like my life depended on it." "Now, I've gotta warn you, I'm not a very good dancer." "Oh, I'll bet all you country girls say the same thing." "Come on, show me some stuff." "Hey!" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "Why, you weren't kidding." "You really suck." "Oh, well, let's see how the city boy fares." "All right." "Yeah." "Round we go!" "Watch us go!" "You all right, honey?" "I've heard of break dancing, but this is ridiculous." "Oh, I hope you're a better actor than you are a dancer." "Obviously, I have no idea what I'm doing." " Maybe we should try something together." " You better lead." "Okay, now we're getting somewhere." "Hey, everybody, we're dancing!" "Hey, lady, 10 cents a ride, no exceptions." " Hey, what was that?" " Nothing." "Oh, no." "Corners of your mouth turned up at the edges." "There's an old Indian saying for that phenomena." "That's Cherokee for "She who smiles at one she no longer continues to hate."" "Oh, shut up and dance." "Well, I don't know about you, but I could use some fresh air." " Oh, me, too, and just fresh air." " Of course." "Even after everything that's happened, God, I love this place." "Yeah, I grew up in a town just like it." "Little Place in Michigan." " Ever hear of it?" " Michigan?" " No, Little Place, it's just north of Flint." " Oh, sounds nice." "I made my first movie there when I was still in high school." "Really?" "Oh, we were young and naive, and we wanted to make a movie that represented our hopes and dreams." " What was it called?" " Blade of the Skull Ripper." " That's when I got the acting bug." " Oh, you've come a long way since then." "You haven't seen much of my recent stuff, I guess." "Well, believe it or not, Jeff has shown me a couple." "I don't know about the plots, but you're usually pretty good in them." " You really mean that?" " I wouldn't say it if I didn't." "Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you, Kelly Graham?" "Well, here's one for you." "I actually think I'm a little shy." "That's why I come on so strong." "Oh, hey, I came on kind of strong myself." "It's not easy for me to..." "Yes?" "...express my true feelings." "You want to move that hand?" " Yeah, sorry about that." " Yeah, well, I'll let it slide, this time." "Mr. Campbell." "Sure, Mr. Mayor, of course." "Just give me five minutes." "It's time." "For the love of God, I can smell her ChapStick!" "I'm so gonna take a rain check." "All right, come on." "All right, small-town America, show me what you got." "Well, no matter which way you wanna go, Mr. Campbell," " I think we got you covered." " All right." "You might want to slip this little Beretta.22 in your pocket." "It's for that close range, last-minute desperation stuff." " What's your name?" " Frank." "Frank, nice gun, for a girl." " You want to step it up a bit, do you?" " Hello." "This.45 long-slide "Widow Maker."" "I think it'll be just right for you." "Close, Frank, but no cigar." " Well, if it's accuracy you want..." " Duh." "That's a Marlin 336." "Shoot a pig's eye out from 1,000 yards." "And who wouldn't wanna do that?" "Frank, you're holding out on me." "Come on." "Well, then again, if you're taking out the Chinese god of war..." "And we are." "...wrap your hands around this Parker 12-gauge, double-barrel beauty." "That's for people that don't call 911." "I think we get the idea, Frank, and thanks for that, but I'd be willing to wager that Mr. Campbell is more than capable of telling us which weapons should be used under the circumstances." " Of course." "I'm sorry, Mr. Campbell." " That's okay." "Go ahead, Mr. Campbell, tell us exactly what we need." "Well, I..." "Don't you think Frank really said it all with the guns and everything?" "I..." "Of course, for personal protection, you may have never heard of this gun, but I always use a...permanent press." "But I can see that you obviously don't have that gun here, so I'll just have to limp along with this.31 long-bow." ".45 long-slide." "Long-slide, like I said." "So, come on, Gold Lick, get your guns." "Give me a big one." "Take it easy." "One at a time." " Bruce, can I show you something?" " Sure." "We got you covered." "All right, look at us." "My goodness me." " Now we can slide off to San Francisco." " And I'm riding shotgun." "I thought you might wanna use this." "I had it made special." "Briggs  Stratton two-stroke, half-inch claw." " What do you think?" " Wow, it's really something." "You know, Jeff," "I've gotten a lot of use out of chainsaws over the years, killed a lot of zombies, saved a lot of lives." "But at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, they're just too damn heavy." "So thanks just the same, kid." "See you out there." " Yeah." " Don't be late." "All right." " You guys ready for some violence?" "Yeah!" "That's right." "All right." " Sure you're ready for this, Bruce?" " Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria." "I'm ready for anything." "Put yourself on ice, sugar lips, because when I come back, I'm gonna lay claim to the prettiest pair of green eyes I've ever seen." "Let's do this thing!" "Be careful." "And my eyes are brown!" "Dumb shit." "All right, folks, listen up." "It could get ugly out there tonight." "Real ugly." "So if something happens and you don't think you're gonna make it, just remember this, even though you don't have medical insurance, emergency rooms are mandated by federal law to treat critically-injured patients." "So, technically, you got nothing to worry about." "Aside from that, Bruce Campbell's got your back." "All right!" " Yeah!" "Now, come on, Gold Lick, let's kick some Guan-Di butt!" "Oh, yeah." "This is Henderson." "I'm crossing Old Stage Road." "No sign of the demon, over." "Oh, my God, Henderson, he's right behind you." "Oh, Jesus!" " Just kidding, chief!" " That ain't funny." "Jeff, after this is over, I gotta meet your sound guy." "We don't have a sound guy." "All right, we're gonna try and smoke him out." "He's got a sword, over!" " Stay your course, Chicken Little." "Oh, he's a big sucker!" "Well, what do you expect?" "He's the Chinese god of war." "Oh, no, he's spotted me." "He's coming to fight!" "No!" "No!" "Give it a rest, Shatner." "Bruce, do something!" " What the fuck is that?" " It's Guan-Di!" " You mean the son-of-a-bitch is real?" " Shouldn't we shoot it?" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Retreat!" "Bruce, where are you going?" " Shoot it!" "Shoot it!" "Daddy?" "Daddy?" "My ear." "Stop shooting!" "Stop shooting!" "GUAN-Dl:" "Must die!" "Keys!" "Keys!" "Come on, it's the country." "Don't you keep your fucking keys in your trucks?" "All right." "Coil wire to the ignition." "What could possibly go wrong?" "Oh, man!" "That always worked in the movies." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Thank you." "Give me back my bike, you old prick!" "And McHale's Navy sucked." "Young man, are you all right?" "Lady, you gotta give me a ride out of here right now." " I'm sorry, but there's no room." " Oh, yeah, there is." "Oh, yeah." "Get out of there." "Get out of there!" "Get out of here!" "Oh, my kitty!" "My kitty cat!" "Oh, you horrible man!" "And you were the worst thing about Moontrap!" ""Yeah." "Come to Gold Lick." "Help us fight a monster."" "What the hell were they thinking?" "Now the supernatural son-of-a-bitch is after me." "Oh, man." "I gotta blow this pop stand fast." "Oh!" "I'm so screwed!" "Oh, that cheapskate old lady." "Hey, guys." "I need a car, pronto!" "Hey, ain't you that demon-fighting son-of-a-bitch?" "Yeah, I am." "I came back 'cause I needed some garbage bags and shovels 'cause we killed..." "Hold that thought, guys." "Nice talking to you." "Suckers!" "You won't have me to kick around anymore." "You can take this little crappy-ass town and shove it right up..." "Hey, hey." "What..." " Bruce." " Yeah?" " Where's Jeff?" " Jeff..." "What, you just left him out there?" "Well, that depends on what the definition of "out there" is." "And you know, lady, you never told me that this monster was real!" "Shoe lace." "There he is!" "Stop that truck!" "Mom!" "Where's Bruce?" "Stop that truck!" "He's just a damn coward." "I've been here five years, nobody die." "Now, everybody die." "Nobody else better die." "You're gonna have to answer to Luigi." "Oh, shit." "There's some crazy shit going down in this town." "What are you gonna do with that?" "Huh?" "Cute little Sam'nRob." "At least I still have you." "Come here, boy." "Come on." "You son-of-a-bitch!" "Maybe I'll feel better after breakfast." "It's the most important meal of the day." "This is Bruce Campbell, actor extraordinaire." "If you're young, female and not currently incarcerated, page me at star-998, otherwise, leave a message after the tone." "Bruce, it's Cheryl." "Cheryl?" "There's something I've been meaning to tell you, something that's been weighing on me ever since our divorce." "Well, of course I forgive you!" "It's the alimony payment." "It's just not cutting it." "Huh?" "So my lawyer's filed a motion to have it increased, along with a fresh restraining order, so don't even try returning this call, you fuck head." "You heartless hell-spawn!" "Get the fuck out of here!" "Sleep with the scorpions, bitch!" "Who does she think she is?" "Think I'm some low-budget, two-bit actor?" "Tell you what..." ""From the desk of Mills Toddner." ""Pack your bags, baby." "Back-to-back in Bulgaria." ""Cave Alien 3 and 4. "" "Oh, no!" "No!" "No!" "Help me!" "Hang on a second." "What the hell do you want?" "I'm busy." "Hi, I'm Kasey, the famous singing prostitute." "I'm here to offer birthday greetings and wish you lots of luck" "And if you're really, really lucky I'll even toss in a..." "Oh, God, whoa, whoa." "Who sent you?" ""From your friend and agent, Mills Toddner." "Here's some birthday sugar, baby."" "That's it?" "That was my special gift?" "A woman?" "Actually, I'm only half-way through my transgender surgeries, so technically..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "For the love of God, just stop!" " Campbell residence." " Bruce, it's Jeff." "You little bastard." "You're the one who dragged me into this nightmare." "Now, what, are you calling to chew my ass out for taking a powder?" "No, I..." "I just wanted to thank you." "Thank me?" "For what?" "For teaching me the meaning of courage." " I ran like cheap mascara." " Well, that's just it." "While I was trying to dodge my responsibilities by dumping them on you, you showed me I have to face this thing on my own." "Yeah." "I'm glad you learned the error of your ways, kid, yeah." "I'm the one who unleashed Guan-Di." "It's up to me to kill it." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "You're gonna take on Toshiro McFuckhead solo?" "Thank you, Mr. Campbell." "All I needed was a push." "No, no!" "Kid!" "Kid!" " Son-of-a..." " Boyfriend troubles?" "No!" "Stupid kid's gonna get himself killed!" "What do I care?" "I got problems of my own." " Who are you?" " I'm your good nature, Bruce." "Now, you heed my warning." "If Jeff goes up against Guan-Di all by himself, oh, he'll be cut to ribbons." "You've got to help the dear boy!" "Oh, don't listen to him!" "Kid's an asshole!" "Fuck him!" "Nobody lives forever!" "How can you say such a thing?" "You awful devil." "I got something for you right here, angel." "Bruce, you've got to help Jeff." "He's your biggest fan!" "Get out of here, you freaks!" " I'm flying!" "You, Nurse Ratched, how would you like to make $100?" "You, Nurse Ratched, how would you like to make $100?" "Story of my life." " No, no, no." "I need a ride." " That's why I'm here." "In your car." " Kinky." " No, I need a ride to a town called Gold Lick." "I need to kill me a Guan-Di." "Keep away from him, honey." " All right." "Now, stay here." "Try not to blow anybody till I get back." "Hey, Kelly!" "Why don't you go home?" "Go find yourself some fake Hollywood girl 'cause you and me were never real." "Kelly, please." "I'm not one of those shallow sex machines like all those other Hollywood types." "Hey, mister, you still owe me $100!" "And we still have to have sex!" "Would you excuse me for just a second?" "For the love of God, just take the money and go." "Oh, I'll take a rain check on the ex-say a little ater-lay." "Whatever, dude." "Kelly, look, we don't have much time..." "Hey, that's all my stuff." "Yeah, well, Jeff asked me to purge his loft." "It was my pleasure." "Oh, sweet Jesus!" "That's a limited edition!" "Plenty more where that came from." "Are you still here?" "Don't you have a bad movie to make?" "Listen, I know I let you down and I'm sorry." "But the callow movie star who came into your life yesterday is not the same man who's standing here today." "It took the faith of a teenager and the decency of a good woman to open my eyes." "Believe me, in the last 24 hours, I've learned a lot about decency, respect, even..." "Iove." "A man's isn't much of anything unless he can learn from his mistakes and make them right." "So..." "Look, I'm here to say I'm sorry." "But more importantly, I wanna make it right." "So I'm not asking you for a second chance, Kelly." "I'm begging you." "Now, maybe it doesn't make much sense because we don't know each other but..." "I think I..." " I think I..." " Move the hand." "Sure." "Well, even if we're over, at least help me rescue Jeff." "What, Jeff needs to be rescued?" "Yeah, he's going after Guan-Di." "I thought you knew." "Oh, my God!" "I..." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Okay, maybe this was a bad idea." "Okay, this was definitely a bad idea." "Big ass, self-obsessed movie star." " Haven't you ever heard of a telephone?" " Look, I am not self-obsessed." "Do you really think I have a big ass?" "Do you even know where we're going?" "Jeff's friends were killed outside an old Chinese graveyard." "I'm guessing that's where they went." " Move the hand." " Okay, okay." "My God." "Jeff!" "Jeff!" "He's not in there." "Well, if he has any sense, he's probably hightailing it back to town." "If he had any sense, he wouldn't have called you." "Jeff!" "Stand back, Kel." "Mr. Winchester is itching for some action." "What?" "What?" "What am I..." "Oh." "Hey, you big son-of-a-bitch, pick on somebody your own size!" "Jeff, come on!" " You okay, baby?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm okay in a scared-to-death kind of way." "Okay, here's the deal." "I'm gonna stall the one-ton wonton, which should give you, oh, I don't know, maybe 30 seconds to find a way to stop him before he rips my head off and shoves it in my face, so better get busy." " Bruce." " Yes, Kelly?" " Before you go..." " Yes?" "You'll need ammo." "I knew that." "Okay, Jeff, you know this stuff way better than I do." " How do we stop it?" " Okay." "Okay." "Hollywood writers have spent countless hours writing stories about defeating monsters." "There's gotta be something we can use in here." "Hey, stay where I can see you!" "Okay, doofus, here I am!" " How we doing, team?" " Okay." "Bruce, I think this might work." "Where's the nearest oceanic oil-drilling platform?" "Oh, about 1,000 miles away." "Okay." "Do we have any abandoned steel mills with giant vats of molten metal?" "Oh, come on." "Okay, how about extensive mine shaft systems with cannibal bats underneath active volcanoes?" "You gotta be shitting me." ""Protected for those who" ""died."" "Be patient." "Oh!" "You can't bowl for shit." "You should go back to Dayton." "Oh!" " Hello." " Hello." "You here for me?" "No, this and this." "Thank you." "You tricked me!" "An island full of giant, mutated gorillas?" "Oh, wait, no, you died in that one." "Jeff, Hollywood writers spend all day in dark rooms by themselves." "They have no concept of reality whatsoever." "So you'd better think of something else and pretty damn fast." "Bruce!" "The sign." "He's also the protector of bean curd." "I'll be a horse's ass." "Pardon me, big guy." "Well, it's nice to know that tofu really is good for your health." " There he is." "Hey, lady!" "I'll get you." "Give me back my bean curd." "You afraid of Wing, huh?" "Wing powerful." "More powerful than Guan-Di, who is Wing's servant and must listen to anything Wing say." "Right, Guan-Di?" "Guan-Di!" "Bean curd." " Hey, that's gives me an idea." " What?" "Look, I know I'm throwing a real Hail Mary here, but have you got any dynamite in this truck?" "Of course I don't have any dynamite." " What kind of a freak would have dynamite..." " I do." "Bruce, I've got dynamite, wire and a plunger." "What?" "I was going up against Guan-Di, Mom." "I brought all kinds of shit." "I mean, stuff." "Good." "You get the dynamite, meet me at the entrance of the mine shaft." " What, you're gonna use yourself as bait?" " Well, yes and no." "We're gonna get a little help from my friend here." "When Guan-Di spots my ass on his doorstep, he's gonna go totally Pearl Harbor." "That's when we drop the mountain on his demon ass." " It sounds a little risky." " You're telling me." "This is our only standee." "All right." "Now, look, when hari-kari Larry takes a dirt nap, we take this sacred amulet, you know, the entire reason why we're here, we put it right back where it belongs." "That way we can all get back to our normal, miserable lives." "Well, this is it." "I'll keep him away from the entrance until you give the signal." "Now, look, no matter which way this goes, I want you both to know one thing." "I'll never forgive you for dragging me out here." "Okay, just you and me, Top Ramen." "You're the protector of bean curd." "Get busy." "Nice catch." "Hey, grounder." "That's gonna mean some extra runs!" "Oh, another one!" "Oh, bad hop." "Almost ready." " Good to go, Mom." " We're ready!" "Just walking along, minding my own business." "Oh, look, a mine shaft." "Hey, asshole!" "Go fuck yourself!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wait, wait, wait." "Let him get all the way in." " He's not buying it." " That's weird, I approved that likeness." "Bruce, what do we do?" "Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way," " mano a monster." " But that's suicide." "Only if I die, kid." "Wish me luck." " Bruce." " Yes?" "For luck." " You wanna move that hand?" " That's not my hand." " Okay, Jeff, do it." "Now!" " Mom, I can't!" "Not the face!" "Not the face!" "It is Bruce Campbell!" "Look, I know how much he means to you, how much he means to all the audiences across the world, how much he means to me." "But look, you've got to just think of one question right now." "What would Bruce Campbell do?" " Run away?" " No!" "I can't believe he's gone." "Stay there." "Bruce." "Bruce." "Well, I'm glad that's over." " Jeff, I just have one request." " Anything, Bruce." "Next time you unleash an ancient demon, call that Buffy chick." "Stop!" "Stop!" "What's the problem, Bruce?" "Look, I'm sorry, but these shock endings are a rip off." "I mean, we just killed the creature like 30 seconds ago, and now it's back?" "The fans deserve better." "And come on, for once, could we please have a happy ending to a horror film?" " Yeah." "A happy ending is a great..." " I'll think about it." "Think about it, though." "Oh, I never knew life could be so swell." "Well, once you've made love the Bruce Campbell way, you never go back." "Father, Mother, I've just been accepted to Harvard." "I told you that C average was nothing to worry about." "Group hug." "You happy?" " You happy?" " Oh, yes." " We're all happy." " One big happy family." "Now, I ask you, what could be a better ending than that?" "Oh, my God!"