"Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash were you alone in your car?" "TOM:" "Yes." "Your Honor, this was an accident, plain and simple." "I don't want to put words in your mouth, but "case dismissed."" "And you were texting at the time, correct?" "How dare you, sir?" "I was tweeting." "Please, read Exhibit C, the transcript of your Twitter page leading up to and immediately following your crash." ""9:15." "Four green lights in a row." "#Blessed."" ""9:17." "Drive faster, blue Civic." "Damn. #Soccer moms."" ""9:18." "Gotta pass this lady on the ejkerkj..."" "That's when I hit the fire hydrant." "Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant." ""9:20." "Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived." ""#Unbreakable. #What's Mr. Glass up to these days?" ""#Why no sequel?"" "Prosecution rests, Your Honor." "Mr. Haverford, you have a problem keeping your eyes on the road and off your electronic devices." "I'm going to tailor a punishment to fit the crime." "One week without screens." "No phone, tablets, computers, television, anything." "No!" "Please, send me to jail!" "Any slip-ups, and that week becomes a month." "Turn in your phone, please." "Fine." "One last tweet?" "Bailiff!" "(TYPING)" "Press "send," bailiff!" "Press "send"!" "Howdy." "Hey!" "What's with the get-up?" "I just got back from that dude ranch with Ricky." "It was really fun." "He bought this for me as a gift." "A cowboy hat from your cowboy friend." "That makes it sound like he's a cow." "From your cowboy boyfriend." "Your boy cow cowboy." "Just call him "Ricky." Okay, great." "Okay, everyone." "Great news, lots of old people have chlamydia." "Whoa!" "Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands, and what they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people-style." "A lot of them haven't had proper sex education, and as a result, STDs are having a field day." "It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs." "Okay, sex avengers, these old fogies are very set in their ways." "They're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose, 'cause they're close to death." "Also, seniors can be pretty ornery." "Actually, I think it's pronounced "horny."" "I have an idea." "Let's pretend that we're old people, and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions." "I'll start." "(NASAL VOICE) I'm an old lady, why do I need birth control?" "I haven't had my monthly since L.B.J. was president." "Well, with the elderly, we are not so concerned with pregnancy." "We're more concerned with disease." "Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?" "I don't think so, no." "Because that's happening to me." "What should I do?" "Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?" "I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter." "I think you're good to go, nursey." "I want to jump on that caboose." "Choo choo!" "You should never eat lube, you need to see a doctor immediately, and I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be under 40 to ride this train." "Oh!" "That's how you do it, kids." "ANDY:" "Nice." "LeRon James." "We still on for breakfast?" "You are an hour and a half late for work." "Yeah." "Sorry." "I can't use my GPS, but I figured it out." "I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar." "You live three miles from here." "Three-point-four according to my GPS, which I used to use every day." "I can't use screens for a week." "Big deal!" "I'm adapting." "I built a real-life Pinterest board." "I really wish you could click those." "Wow, there he is, Barack Obama." "His name is congressman David Murray, he is our boss and he is white." "Don't embarrass me." "Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt," "Coordinating Director of D.C. Operations." "And I am April Blart, mall cop." "Great!" "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Ben." "Heard such great things." "Oh, well, I really feel like I know you already." "I've watched all of your speeches and debates." "It's very inspiring." "Thank you, Ben." "And thank you all for your hard work." "Now, stay cool." "It's a hot one out there today." "That's right, you could practically cook an egg on the sidewalk." "(LAUGHS)" "Terrific." "Okay, let's make sure we're ready for the strategy session tomorrow." "Okay, Okay?" "Hey, we're still gonna assassinate him, right?" "Don't say that." "Ben!" "What the hell is he doing?" "LESLIE:" "Hello, can everyone hear me okay?" "ALL:" "No." "Okay, great." "I'm Councilwoman Leslie Knope, and today we are here to talk about safe sex." "I know this is a personal question, but how many of you out there are sexually active?" "Oh: my'" "I have two partners, often at the same time." "Wow." "Thank you." "Does anyone know what we risk when we have unprotected sex?" "MAN 1:" "Heart attack." "WOMAN 1:" "Falling in love." "Partner dies on top of you!" "Yes, but the truth is, the greatest risk you face is sexually transmitted diseases." "Are these old people really having sex with each other?" "DONNA:" "Yeah, what'd you think they were doing?" "I don't know, I thought we were just talking about it." "Oh. (LAUGHS) ...and the best way to prevent them is to use protection." "MAN 2:" "Well, that's all fine and good, but what if the banana is soft and mushy, and doglegs sharply to the left?" "LESLIE:" "Oh..." "Oh." "Oh, my God, Jerry, when you check your email," "Well, how else would I do it?" "You don't have your email bookmarked?" "Do you have any bookmarks?" "What's bookmarks?" "God, Jerry!" "You don't deserve the Internet!" "I'm going crazy, Ron!" "Life without screens is pointless." "I made an iPhone out of paper." "It's not the same, though." "This is the work of a lunatic." "You need to detox." "Tomorrow, we'll go to my cabin in the woods." "It's so far away from civilization, the electric company is not even aware there's a structure there." "(SIGHS) Thanks, Ron." "And hey, can you give me a ride after work?" "There's no chance I can find my way home." "If you encounter this scenario, simply execute the following maneuver." "(DOOR CLOSING) CHRIS:" "And stop!" "Great job, and very informative, but we need to stop now forever and pretend like this never happened." "Why?" "What's happening?" "(MUMBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY)" "Oh, boy." "Marcia and Marshall Langman are the town's morality watchdogs." "Marcia is motivated, calculating and hyper-vigilant, and her husband, Marshall," "is vivacious." "This, that's happening here, is not allowed!" "We at the Society For Family Stability Foundation object to this smut being taught." "It's against Pawnee's abstinence-only sex education law." "That's only for schools." "CHRIS:" "Actually, it's not." "The way the bill is drafted prohibits any government employee from teaching anything but abstinence, city-wide." "Thank you, Chris." "You're welcome." "If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors, the next thing you know, it'll be in our high schools, then our kindergartens, and before you know it, we have babies in thong underwear." "Is that what you want?" "Yes, that's what I want." "Ladies and gentlemen, this vulgar sex show is over." "Please forget everything this horrible woman has told you." "It is not over." "It is far from over." "Andy, pack up our bananas!" "This is a great idea." "Fresh air, no screens." "I'm getting really good at chopping wood, too." "You're a regular Paul Bunyan." "Ow!" "I got stung by the wood!" "Oh, no, it's a splinter." "I need to get on WebMD now!" "I need an iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, something with 4G." "There's no time for the EDGE Network." "What are you doing?" "(SCREAMING)" "Got it." "(SIGHS) I still think we should find a computer and Google "sterilization techniques."" "Yeah, I have a new idea." "You need to purge all of this garbage from your system." "Talk about all the things you do on those screens, and let the words just float away into the fresh air, and then we will be done." "Okay, worth a shot." "Every day I start by hitting up" "Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and lnstagram." "Sometimes I like to throw in Linkedln, for the professional shawtys." "See?" "That was easy." "Then I like to go on Reddit." "Reddit's great, 'cause it has all the important links you need." "New shirt?" "Yeah." "I got it at the dude ranch with my boyfriend." "You like it?" "It's not my favorite shirt, but it is my least favorite shirt." "Perd, we strongly believe in teaching and practicing abstinence." "We all have some crazy urges from time to time, but you just can't act on them." "You have to bury them way down deep inside." "You have to say, "Get out of here, you crazy urges!" ""You are not welcome in this brain of mine!"" "There are some statistics that I'd like to share with you now, and they are numbers." "Some 85% of Pawnee residents support abstinence-only education." "And the other 15% are perverts." "J. K, you guys- (LAUGHS)" "And 100% of Pawneeans are "Perd-verts."" "(LAUGHS) That's the name I call fans of this show based on the fact that my name is Perd." "We'll see you after the break, Perd-verts." "(CHRIS LAUGHS)" "Look, we need an emergency task force meeting." "What do we do?" "Objective studies have shown that abstinence-only education doesn't work." "People still have sex." "They don't know how to use protection, so the disease keeps spreading." "We need to give people practical knowledge." "Ann Perkins, your expertise is thrilling, and frankly, almost arousing," "but the law is the law." "Well, you're on city council now." "Change the law." "LESLIE:" "The people support this." "I couldn't fight those numbers even if I wanted to." "It's political suicide." "So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work?" "Great plan." "There's no other option, Ann." "Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time." "(sums)" "I did eat all the bananas, so you can't play with those." "Hey, nice work on the jobs research." "Shh." "Look." "What am I looking at?" "He's not doing anything." "That's the point." "This morning he got in, sat down in there, and has been staring straight ahead, doing nothing." "He's a robot." "He's not a robot." "He's just thinking." "He's got a lot on his mind." "Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one." "Must eat babies for fuel."" "(LAUGHS) Why would a robot need to consume organic matter?" "Sorry." "You know what, they probably put a TV in there, and he's watching old speeches to bone up or something." "Let's go see." "Congressman, here is the briefing packet for our strategy meeting later." "Excellent, thank you." "Anything else I can do for you?" "No, sir." "All systems are operational." "Great." "Stay cool." "Hot one out there today." "Thank you, Congressman." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Wikipedia, mankind's greatest invention, you can learn about anything." "Take Ray J, for example." "We all know he's a singer, he's Brandy's brother, and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian, but did you also know he's Snoop Dogg's cousin and he was in the '96 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?" "Suddenly, you're on the Mars Attacks page." "I love Gchat." "You can talk to anybody." "I hit up Brad.Pitt. It wasn't the actor." "It's actually a guy named Brad that's a teacher in Pittsburgh." "(GUNSHOTS)" "We don't have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit." "Emoji are little cartoons you text instead of words." "Instead of saying, "What up, boo?"" "You can type "What up," and then a cute, little ghost, 'cause that means "boo."" "There's even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist, but the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, and it's like, "Hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?"" "Podcasts." "There are a million of 'em, and they're all amazing." "Jean-Ralphio and I have one called" ""Nacho Average Podcast,"" "where we rate different kinds of nachos." "It seems like..." "Okay, that's enough!" "No more talking." "But you told me to get it all out of my system." "I had no idea how much you had in your system." "This is a real problem, Tom." "You are an addict and you need to change." "I've downloaded every episode of Intervention." "I know what to do here." "You're right." "lam an addict." "I've hurt all my friends and family with my addiction." "I will accept this gift of rehabilitation." "I'm proud of you, but also a bit fearful that we're verging on what I call "feelings territory,"" "so let's stare at the fire in silence." "I've had a breakthrough, Ron." "What do you say you chop up some more wood, and I'll take your car and go grab us some victory steaks?" "(OWL HOOTING)" "Perfect." "I'm so glad you've come to your senses." "Here's our educational pamphlet." "I recommend you start reading at chapter three." "LESLIE: "Chapter three." ""There's a party in your pants and no one is invited."" "This is crazy." "I mean, obviously, the best way to prevent disease is to magically stop all sex, but that's not gonna happen." "Well, maybe not where you come from in "Tramp-sylvania."" "(LAUGHS) Good one, honey!" "I'm from Michigan!" "That wasn't worth saying." "Why are you doing this?" "You're gonna get up there and say a bunch of stuff you don't believe?" "Well, it's the law." "I get that." "I just..." "You're not acting like yourself." "Really?" "You want to go there?" "Go where?" "You know where we're going." "No, I have no idea, honestly." "Okay, I guess we're going there." "Are we leaving?" "You want me to act like myself?" "You're dressed like a cowboy!" "So?" "It's fun, and I like it." "When you dated Andy, you dressed in flannels." "When you dated Chris, you dressed in spandex." "Ann, please do not lecture me about acting like myself." "You're dressed like an abstinence girl on the outside!" "God, I'm off my comeback game right now." "You know what?" "I don't care, do whatever you want." "Okay." "Girl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I love it." "A deer jumped in front of the car, and then a bear jumped in front of the deer!" "(SIGHS)" ""Tommy Edamame is back on the grid." ""Tell everyone to light me up with their 'dijjies'." ""Got to load them into my burner."" "Yes, I went to Best Buy and bought a phone." "Out of the car, now." "Where are we going, Ron?" "Are we walking to Best Buy to get a better phone?" "(RAPPING) I'm Marshall Langman and I'm here to say" "That sex before marriage is never the way waited till marriage and then some to do it h' you decide to sin you'll rue it" "Word." "(WHOOPING)" "Thank you very much, Marshall." "Hello, my aged friends." "Some of you might remember that I was here before." "I don't remember that." "Well, I was." "But I have a new message for you." "The best way to be safe is to simply postpone sex until marriage." "lam not going to be told not to have sex by someone who's 10 years my junior." "Amen, Gladys." "You're right!" "Not about the age thing, about the other thing." "Perhaps you might understand it better if I read to you from this pamphlet," ""80 you think you know more than God." ""our bodies are God's gift," ""but they're also the devil's playground." ""The devil likes to hide in all your private nooks and crannies," ""and if you open too wide, he might get out, or in. " What..." "Can we see the condom demonstration again?" "'Cause I don't know where Lou has been." "(STAMMERS) Well, I wish I could, but I..." "Screw it." "Okay, here." "This is a penis, right?" "You put a condom on it, and you pull the tip like this, and you roll it all the way down the penis." "Tell you what, condoms for everybody!" "Who wants some?" "(SENIORS CHEERING) Safe sex for everybody!" "Hey!" "This is..." "Hey, who wants to party?" "It's a censure from the mayor's office." "It's so official." "I mean, look at the paper quality." "This is no joke." "I know I'm supposed to help educate the public, but I also have an obligation to uphold the laws." "You're my boss." "What's my move here?" "Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now." "That's right." "Why am I still weirdly scared of you?" "I'm very confident and I make a lot of eye contact." "Hmm." "As your city manager, I recommend that you formally apologize and that, in the future, you stick to the letter of the law." "But between you and me, as your best friend..." "What..." "I kind of admire what you did up there." "Made me happy that I voted for you as my city councilmember." "Okay, this is great, just make sure that you don't go too tight on him, all right?" "Hey, can I ask you a question?" "What's the deal with the congressman?" "Seriously, like, he seems a little robotic..." "Or something?" "(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah, he's great, yeah." "He turns it on when he has to, and when he doesn't, he just sits there." "There's no surprises, it's perfect." "Oh, Congressman, can you just sit in the chair to test the satellite feed?" "O key-d o key." "Just run through some of your stump speech." "We've gone through some difficult times, but we're from Ohio." "We're tough." "We won't just survive these dark times, we will thrive!" "That's great." "Good." "Cool beans." "See you guys later." "God, I love him." "He's the best." "I'm sorry I crashed your car." "Please forgive me, Ron." "Please, Ron?" "Please?" "What are you doing?" "Are you going to kill me?" "Why do you need to be constantly distracted, Tom?" "The truth is I spend a lot of time looking at screens because recently a lot of the stuff in my real life isn't going that great." "So I'd rather play Doodle Jump than think about that." "Okay?" "I'm sorry, I really am." "Go sit in your office while I consider whether to turn you in to the judge." "And while you're there, neither doodle nor jump." "Hey." "I just wanted to come lend my support." "What are you going to say out there?" "I don't know." "I got censured, it's a big deal." "Well, if you ask me, you were elected to lead and not to follow." "Which is probably what I should've said instead of what I did say." "I feel terrible about what I said, too." "No, you were right." "I know, but I still feel terrible." "I'm sorry, continue." "I kind of lost myself in this relationship." "I bought a lasso online, Leslie." "Yikes." "I turned all my jeans into Daisy Dukes." "My personality kinda gets swept up in whatever guy I'm dating, and I want to change that." "I broke it off with Ricky." "Well, that's good, but I'll tell you, he'll never lasso another heifer as fine as you, Annie Oakley." "The story of that commercial break is it's over." "Leslie, what exactly does "censure" mean?" "It means that I have been formally disciplined for breaking the law." "Well, you know what they say, "You break it, you buy it."" "That doesn't really apply here." "Tell that to the folks at Pier 1, an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside." "Perd, I'd like to apologize." "Thank you." "Apologize for the antiquated laws in this city." "States that teach abstinence-only have the highest rates of teen pregnancy and STDs." "To continue this policy is insane." "Look, we all want the same thing, right?" "We want fewer unwanted pregnancies and fewer STDs." "Why don't we use every weapon that we have?" "I know that most of you don't agree with me on this, but I'm going to fight very hard to change your minds, and until then, I will take this censure, and I will wear it proudly, like a badge of honor." "Wow, strong words from a woman who is trying to pin a piece of paper to her blazer." "Next up on the program, we hear from you, our fans, in our new segment, " Are you there, Perd-verts?"" "It's me, Perd, hosting a new segment." "(MOANING)" "I'm so bored." "I have something for you, son." "My iPhone?" "No." "I am giving you a non-electronic book made of paper item a tree." "It is called Auto Repair Manual: 1982." "You will read this book from cover to cover, then you will assist me in repairing the damage to my car." "I will not report you to the judge, but if you slip up again, you will have much more to fear than some feeble government employee in a robe." "Thanks." "Two more things." "When you do get your phone back, you will not stare at it when you're talking with another human being." "Look a man in the eye when you speak with him." "And second, if you ever need to discuss your problems with someone," "find Leslie, she lives for that crap." "Get to work." "They're killing me in the press." "The Pawnee Sun is calling me "Loose-ly Grope."" "But you know what?" "I don't even care." "I'm gonna kick all their asses!" "I am so fired up!" "I'm gonna go right now and drink, like, 1,000 Red Bulls so I can draft a new bill to undo abstinence-only." "Man, you are just a machine." "Get stuff done." "Hey, why don't you send it to me when you have a draft?" "I'll try to help." "You're the greatest." "But you're gonna have to take out a lot of cursing, 'cause like I said, lam very fired up." "Well, you go get 'em." "I love you." "I love you, too." "What are you wearing?" "I can't do that right now." "(LESLIE LAUGHING)" "Yo, you ready to go?" "Why, yes, I am, April!" "Let's go now!" "What's wrong with you?" "(LAUGHS) Wonderful!" "Hey, be careful out there." "Traffic is nuts on the streets and roads." "Oh, no!" "They got you!" "(LAUGHS)" "Terrific!" "Hey, I'm hungry." "Let's go eat some batteries..." "I mean, human food." "Hey, uh, batteries..." "I mean, human food sounds good to me." "Wonderful." "Let's go." "(LAUGHS)"