"Kirstie is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "Whoa." "That was some opening night party, huh?" "Yeah, give Angela Lansbury a few drinks, and she's all over my bed knobs and broomsticks." "Well, Arlo had a ball." "He's never been to a party like that." "Arlo..." "I don't know about that kid." " Frank, he's sweet." " Nobody is that sweet." "I left a $20 bill on the floor out front of his room, and it's still there." "No, it isn't." " Oh, hey." "Good morning." " I'll ask the questions." "It wasn't a question." "Hey, if you're looking for Maddie's safe, it's not in the kitchen." "No, I-I was just looking for a glass." "Oh, well, let me give you the quick tour." "Glasses." "Red wine, white wine, highball, lowball, champagne, margaritas, sake, shooters, and molds for jell-o shots." "Anything for juice?" "I'm sorry." "I am not used to hearing the word juice without quotes around it." " Good morning, everyone." " Morning." "Thelma, I'm ready for my breakfast "juice."" "What are you doing up so early?" "Well, I'm a mother now." "I want to set a good example." " Arlo, I'm gonna make you breakfast." " Oh, actually, I like to cook." "Oh, thank God, 'cause I don't know how to fry toast." "I was actually thinking that maybe sometime this week," "I could make a big family dinner for all of us." "We don't really do dinner with my show schedule and all." "I just snack sensibly round the clock." "So what are your plans for the day?" "Oh, I thought I'd go back out to Trenton and get the rest of my stuff." "Oh, Frank would be happy to take you." " Right, Frank?" " Sure." "Yeah, I wouldn't mind a long ride with junior." "Give us a chance to get to know each other." "Frank's chair." " That's Maddie's chair." " Maddie's chair." "Um, you know what?" "I'm..." "I'm just gonna go hang out in my room." " I don't want to get in anybody's way." " No, Arlo, come here." "Don't be silly." "Come here." "I'm glad you're here." "Look at us." "The kid I gave up, the people I pay..." "We're like a real family." "Season 1, Episode 2 "Arlo Moves In"" "You!" "What the..." "Well, isn't this awkward?" "Brittany, what are you doing in my costume?" "Short answer is "swimming."" "As your understudy, I just assumed you wouldn't be going on tonight." "I thought you'd be at home, with your son, trying to put the shattered pieces of your life back together." "My life has never been better." "I have a hit Broadway show, my son has come home, and you're not going on tonight." "That's the spirit." "You depression-era kids truly are the greatest generation." " I can be an actress and a mother." " But he's just come back into your life." "Go home, Maddie." "You get to know the little guy." "The audience gets a better show." "It's a win-win." " Can it, Brittany." "She's fine." " Of course she is." "What if she's never shown a hint of kindness or compassion?" "Who's to say the world's biggest narcissist won't turn out to be a perfectly adequate mother?" "♪ Good-bye, one and all" "Did she really think you were gonna fall for..." "Oh, boy." "What if she's right?" "Maybe I'm not maternal." "Maybe this is one role I can't play." "Well, you did give it your best shot." " I did, didn't I?" " No." "Um, this isn't the way to Trenton." "How 'bout you don't tell me how to do my job, and I don't tell you how to scam Madison Banks?" "Scam?" "No, I'm her son." "Well, we'll see when the blood test comes back." "What blood test?" "Eh, let's just say you sleep like a rock." "Um, hey." "Why are we stopping by a pier?" "I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions." "You answer them right, this car goes home with two people." "Where did you get these pictures?" "Who's the little hottie in the plaid skirt?" "It's Molly Gerber, my junior high crush." "You were supposed to take her to the prom, but you didn't." "Why?" "She said no." "Okay, that checks out." "But I still have my eye on you, kid." "So you managed to raise a child." "How did you do it?" "Well, I had to accept that once my daughter came along," "I wasn't the center of the universe anymore." "Well, obviously that isn't gonna work for me." "He's here." "And he isn't going away." "He's like these last 5 pounds." "Shut up." "Hey." "Sorry about all the stuff." "I'm kind of a yard sale junkie." "My friends used to always tease me about always dragging home some piece of trash." "Must be genetic." "Well, you have a lot more things here than you did yesterday." "What's in the box?" "Uh, that's all my old photo albums." "My adoptive mother took, like, zillions of pictures." "You know, it might be a nice way for you to catch up on what you missed." "Oh, I get the general sense." "Awkward at 5, awkward at 13, awkward at 30." "I'm not 30 yet." "Yeah, I'm just guessing the awkward's not gonna go away." "Psst!" "Check it out." "He saves all of his mother's cards." "Oh, yeah." "Kids love when you root around in their personal stuff." "You're a natural at this." "Happy Birthday, Arlo, my very special apple dumpling." "Oh, my God." "She sounds so annoyingly sweet and nurturing." "How the hell do I compete with that?" "How the hell do I compete with that?" "Oh, no." "You taped over her voice." "Oh, no." "You taped over her voice." "Maddie, will you stop staring at that birthday card?" "It's not gonna bring his mom's voice back." "He's gonna hate me for doing this." "Maybe if you just sit him down and be honest." "Or..." " I have a crazy idea." " That always sounds promising." "All we need is someone with a high-pitched, trill voice that makes you want to stab ice picks in your ears." "♪ Greetings, one and all" " Brittany, can you come in here a minute?" " I'm ready to go on." "I can be out of this dress in five seconds." "So I've heard." "But again, you're not going on for me." "Brittany, come here." "I need you to do me a favor." "I need you to record an old woman's voice." "Well, you've got one." "Why don't you do it?" "Call me when you need a young, sexy starlet's voice." "Not so fast." "Okay, Brittany, do you know Maddie's driver, Frank?" "The shifty giant who moves like Gumby?" "He's also an unlicensed private detective with an interest in photography." "Isn't this a picture of you in church?" "I am a woman of faith." "And isn't this one of you behind a church?" "You're receiving something, but it's not communion." "What do you need?" "Hillbilly twang?" "Connecticut lockjaw?" "Autistic Vietnamese lady?" "'Cause I've done it." "Look, Arlo's adoptive mother gave him this audio card, and someone accidentally taped over it." "For all we know, this is the last time he ever heard her voice." "Oh, that's so moving." "Let me give it a shot." "Arlo, why did you bury me?" "I wasn't dead." "You threw dirt on me." "Yep." "Hey." "How's the settling in going?" "Pretty good." "So let me get this right." "You used this entire spare room just to wrap gifts?" "Well, I used to have a room just for ribbons, but then Thelma moved in, and you learn to make do." "What are you looking for?" "This card my mom gave me last year." "I've been looking for it everywhere." "Is this it?" "Yeah, how could I have missed that?" "You know what?" "Let's just put it right up here, so she'll always be looking over you" "Uh, actually, I thought I would put it next to my bed." "Her voice comforts me." "Happy Birthday, Arlo, my very special pumpkin." " Wait a minute." " Oh, look here." "Most improved bowler?" "Well, I bet there's a story behind that." "That's not my mom's voice." "That's not even the same message." "She called me "apple dumpling," not "pumpkin."" "Maddie, what is going on?" "Oh, all right, all right." "I accidentally recorded over it." "And I was hoping that I could trick you." "Did you really think I wouldn't know my mother's voice?" "Look, it's okay." "I'm sure it was an accident." "Arlo, I'm really sorry." "I feel awful." "I want to make it up to you." "Hey, I got an idea." "Why don't we have one of those special family dinners that you've been blathering on about?" " Really?" "That'd be fun." " Okay, great." "How 'bout tomorrow?" "For what?" " The dinner." " Oh, oh, oh." "Right, right, right." "I got so excited, I almost forgot." "Tony Cameron, you were at the show tonight?" "Oh, I'm such a fan." " You follow football?" " I have you in my Fantasy League." "And I'm not talking about football." "I was actually hoping to meet Madison Banks." "Ugh, what do you want with an old skank like..." "Madison Banks, ladies and gentlemen." " Hi, I'm, uh..." " Oh, you need no introduction." "But just for the fun of it, why don't you say your name?" " Tony Cameron." " Exactly." "Oh, yeah." "You were the guy that was 100 feet tall in your briefs on the side of that building in Times Square." " You remember that, huh?" " Yeah." "I especially liked the areas between the seventh and ninth floors." " Well, you were great in the show." " Oh, thank you." "Listen, you want to grab a bite?" "Unless you have plans." "No, not at all." "I'm wide open." "You can take that any way you want." "They should be here any minute." " Where's Maddie?" " Well, I went to pick her up, and the doorman says he doesn't know where she was." "So I took him up to the roof, and I held him over the edge by his ankles." "Turns out, he doesn't know where Maddie is." "But he is stealing cable." "That's so weird." "I reminded her about this dinner." "That's what's weird to you?" "This guy almost killed a doorman." "Oh, my God." "I am so sorry." "I'm not speaking to you, Madison Banks." " Frank, it's okay." " No." "It's anything but okay." "Your son made an elaborate dinner just for you." "And the special ingredient in every dish..." "Love." "With a little basil." "But mostly love." "Everyone, look away." "Don't worry about it, Maddie." "It's cool." "No, it isn't cool." "I missed out on this beautiful dinner that you worked so hard to make me." "And my only excuse is that I was..." "Mugged." " Mugged!" "?" " Yes." "I wanted to buy a beautiful bottle of wine for this meal." "So I was in a big hurry, and I cut down this alleyway, and all of sudden, this man just jumps out from nowhere." " Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" " Well, he pinned me against the wall." "And then he came at me with his drug-crazed eyes." "And I said to him, "Take everything." "I just want to get home to my son!"" "Wow." "That is so brave." "I know." "When did Tony Cameron get there?" "It's on the Internet." "You and Tony Cameron, canoodling in a hotel lobby." "Arlo, I'm so sorry." "Arlo, please." "First, it was that cockamamie story after taping over the birthday card." "I apologized for that." "That's why we're doing this dinner." " You missed the dinner!" " All right, well, let's have it now." "Then we can get to know each other, you know?" "Maybe you can even tell me how you got the nickname "Dumpy Pumpkin."" ""Apple Dumpling."" "Oh, yeah." "That makes more sense." "Arlo, please, can I..." "How can we ever have a relationship, if you can't be honest for one second?" "I-I-I think I could be." "For..." "I would've been okay if you just would've told me that you were gonna blow off dinner because you met Tony Cameron." "I mean, he was one of my favorite football players." "Stop doing that." "I want to have our meal." "I'm still hungry." "I know what you're thinking." "He's not a con man." "I never thought he was a con man." "Oh, well, okay." "Well, carry on." "I'm just not used to this." "My mother never lied to me." "My mother actually took an interest in me." " My mother thought I was..." " Will you stop calling her your mother?" "I'm your mother." "Okay, okay." "I'm sorry." "May... maybe I haven't earned the right to call myself your mother yet." "But, God, Arlo, I don't know how to do this." "I don't know how to do this either." "I'm still trying to find my place in this house." "I know." "And I know I screwed up." "But I'm here now, and I'm trying to make it right." "And I'm going to make it right by sitting down here and eating the delicious meal that my son prepared for me." "What are you talking about?" "It's filled with coffee grounds and eggshells now." "I don't care." "You made it for me, and I'm gonna eat it." "I'm doing it." "Okay, then." "Do it." "Putting it in my mouth." "Bon appétit." "Wait, wait." "Oh, my God." "You were really gonna eat that, weren't you?" "Oh, big surprise." "I once saw her eat a sandwich she found on the bus." "I would eat everything on this table if it meant that you would forgive me." "You know, you're completely crazy." "Arlo, you want to know the truth?" "The truth is that I never had anybody to come home to before, so I didn't." "But now I do." "It's like Bambi, but the mom comes back." "Oh, sack up." "It's just a mother and son reconciling." "Now me." "You dummy, Frank." "Aw, look at that." "There's a cute, little, naked Arlo." "And another cute, little, naked Arlo." "And another." "At what age did these people buy you pants?" "Oh, can you take that?" "Football legend Tony Cameron!" " What are you doing here?" " Oh, my God." "Tony Cameron!" "Hey, Maddie, I was wondering if you had any plans tonight" "Oh, sorry, Tony." "No can do." " I'm spending time with my family." " Are you sure?" "Because we're taking a helicopter out to my mansion in the Hamptons." "Nope." "Family comes first." "That's what I always say." "Okay." "But can I give this autographed ball to your kid?" "Thanks, Tony." "Don't do drugs!" "Don't listen to him, son." "All right." "Now more time for us." "Okay." "I know you're still lying, but at least I get a football out of it." "See?" "I screwed a guy, and my son got a football." "Tell me that isn't maternal." "All right." "Okay, who's that guy standing next to you in the apple orchard?" "That's my mom." "I think she means the guy steadying the ladder." " Yeah." " Yeah, that's my mom." "No, she means the one with the mustache." "Still my mom." "She's a pretty woman."