" (chuckles)" " How do I look?" "What do you guys think?" "Not bad, Winston." "I'll tell you what, man... you look like the funny guy from Police Academy who does the... the voices," " and different sounds." " (Imitates radio beeping and siren wailing)" "God, I wish marketers had a uniform." " (construction clatter begins in distance)" " To Winston Bishop, owner of cats, taker of baths, graduate of the LAPD." " (workman shouts, clatter and banging continue)" " We are so..." "I'm so proud of you!" " What?" " I'm so proud of you." " You're proud of me?" " Oh!" "When is this night construction gonna stop?" "I actually don't mind it." "Gets me ready for all the loud action on the job, you know what I mean?" "Something has gotta change." "(electric engine whirring)" "(whirring stops)" "(whirring resumes)" "Well, don't worry, 'cause I have called the city's automated help desk and I've also sent out an e-mail to information@losangeles.gov, so action has been taken." "Jess, don't you know how democracy works?" "We need to get out there and grease palms, blackmail people." "We need to send them an envelope filled with fake blood and... and a note that says..." ""I know."" " What?" " (Winston clears throat)" " As if... as if... we know what's really going on." " Schmidt, you do realize you're saying this in front of a police officer." " I'm so sorry." " A little respect." "Can I try on your uniform?" "No, this uniform is for official police business." "(whoops) Yeah." " Looking good, man." " Yeah." "We got a code Jewish, code Jewish." "You under "ch'arrest."" "I can't believe Winston's gonna be a cop." "I mean, he's the gentlest person I know." "He once broke his arm wrapping presents." "Remember when he made this?" "He's the sweetest guy in the world, man." "He's just so nice and..." " vulnerable." " Yeah." "Although..." "Don't know what this is for." "WINSTON:" "Hey." "What're you guys doing?" "Uh, n... nothing, man." "Look, I'm a little worried about you, okay?" " And so is Coach." " (Chuckles)" "Kind of worried about you, man." "Guys, calm down." "I understand," "I get it, and I'm... and I'm flattered that you're concerned about me, but I signed up for this, remember?" "Also, my training officer is gonna be with me the entire time." "He's got a partner." " I forgot about the partner." " That's huge." " We're silly." "Yeah." " Yeah." "It's supposed to be a real bad-ass, too." "Was in a biker gang for three years, undercover." "Can't go back to Arizona no more." " Is that True Detective?" " Apparently eats bullets as a party trick." " Great, that's really good." " That makes sense, what are you, uh..." " Yeah, yeah, definitely." " What's that?" " What the... ?" " WINSTON:" "Uh..." "Which..." "Oh, that?" "It's a, uh... it's a project." "I've had a report of people acting lame back here." "SCHMIDT:" "Ow, Jess!" "Also, I tazed Schmidt." "WINSTON:" "All right, seriously... no more playing with the uniform." "Officer Leslie Biggins." "Okay, Biggins, so Bishop's gonna be next, okay?" "Come on." "All right, here we go." "Officer Hank Bishop." "Eh..." "Oh, that one." "Officer Win..." " ... field Bishop." " Ooh." "Well that's gonna cause a lot of mix-ups over at the station." "Officer Winston Bishop." "ALL:" "Oh!" "(Whooping)" "(cheering, whistling)" " Winston..." " ALL:" "Winston, Winston," "ALL (chanting):" "Winston, Winston, Winston," " Winston, Winston... !" " COACH:" "Yes." " Winnie!" " (Horn blares)" " Aah!" " Sorry." "Wow, a lot of city officials around here." "Maybe somebody can help us with our noise problem." "Okay, enough of this by-the-book nonsense." "It's time to play hardball." " Be a shark, Jess." "Not a dolphin." " Right." "So I shouldn't be the smartest and friendliest creature in the ocean?" "That makes sense, bro." "Sharks eat whatever they want." "Dolphins... they jump through hoops, so, yeah, I think it does make sense." "No, it's awesome, bro." "Okay, stop mockingly saying "bro."" "My uncle was arrested for having sex with a dolphin." " What?" " What?" "Carry on." "I'm having a lot of difficulty nailing you down, Ryan." "Oh, there's councilwoman Fawn Moscato." "She's from our district." "Yummo." " Where do I place my ballot?" " She better get ready, 'cause she's about to have a very friendly conversation with a concerned citizen... bro." "Okay, Jess, it's not gonna do anything." "Won't make a difference." "Like what I did there with the ballot thing?" "It was a good joke, right?" "Didn't get the reaction I thought" " it was gonna get from you guys." " No, we got it." " We got it, bro." " Oh, I get it." "And you know what, I've seen the Bollywood movies," "I've seen the UK Office." "Not a fan, not a fan." "Congratulations." "These are from all of us, but I'm the one that got 'em for you." " Wow, they're big." " So, Winnie, where's your bad-ass training officer?" "Oh, guys, I would like for you to meet the person who will be training me as I brave the mean streets of L.A.:" "Officer Aly Nelson." "She's so small." " What... say..." " Excuse me?" "You're so small, you're..." " What is happening?" " I think what he was" " trying to say was that, um..." " Yeah?" "we were expecting someone who looks a little more like a cop in the traditional sense." " That's what I meant." " No, no, no..." " Wow." "No, no, no." " I'm not trying to offend you, we were just expecting, like, uh, either a really strong man or kind of like a guy with, like, a mustache." "Got it." "And flowers are a... that's a normal thing to give to a grown man?" "Or are they trees?" "I can't tell, I'm so small." " Cool friends, Bishop." " No, wait," "Officer Nelson, just..." "Thank you." "Thank you very much, you guys." "Oh, also, thank you for the flowers." "And just we're clear... the first thank you was sarcastic, because you embarrassed me, but the second thank you was sincere as hell, because these flowers are glorious." "You're welcome." "I'm sorry about the construction noise... it's an issue close to my heart..." "I do charity work with deaf children." "Of course, they would welcome the noise, because it would mean they could hear." "Let me let you in on a little secret." "Just go to the public works web site and download this form." " You're a dear, Fawn." " (Laughs)" "I made a pun and I didn't know it." "You're too much." " Oh." " Hi." "Schmidt, this is Fawn Moscato." "She was just giving me a shortcut to file some complaints about the noise." "(whispers):" "Looks like someone brought a shark to the dolphin show." "(squeaks)" "That's a dolphin noise." "Ah." "Very good." "Councilwoman Moscato, excuse my trembling, but it's an honor." " Your head is enormous." " Why, thank you." "JESS:" "So you're taking her out to dinner?" "That's your plan?" "I'm intoxicating a single, overworked public official with the pleasure of my company." "Which I will then parlay into getting her to fix our problem." "Are my sleeves even?" "This is ridiculous." "You know, my new tailor sews like an army medic." "I'm not being overdramatic when I say that I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack." "Schmidt, just don't screw this up." "She's a decent woman." "Oh, excuse me, at some point in the evening, can you let me know that I have a call from Karl Lagerfeld?" "Schmidt." "Bob, how are you?" "Tony, love you in a chino." "Guillermo, fire up that grill, Fawn's hungry." "GUILLERMO:" "Sí, señora." "I'm Fawn Moscato." "And I approve this scotch." "Oh, goodness." "Okay, so I'm almost finished with form 7D42, but I'm not sure what to put down for landlord's birth city." "Hey." "Ooh." "What you doing, hot shot?" "I was feeling saucy." "I've had a glass of red wine." "Red wine makes you bonkers horny." "I'll make you a deal." "When I finish a form, you can take off an article of clothing, and that way, when I'm done, then we can just go nuts on each other." " Deal." " Hey, I'm not finished yet." "(sighs)" "Oh!" " This is America!" "Wear pants!" " JESS:" "Red wine." "Sorry!" " Sorry." "Sorry." "Very sorry." " Sorry." "Sorry." "Geez." "Yeah." "COACH:" "So, tomorrow's your first shift, huh?" "You gonna play the name game," " do something fun and safe like that?" " (Phone chimes)" "Dude, I'm gonna be in a patrol car the entire time." "(laughing)" "I just got a text from my buddy Reynolds." "Working his first shift, he got stabbed in the leg by a little girl." "(laughs)" "I love Reynolds, man." "He makes me laugh." " That's funny..." " You think that's funny?" " To be stabbed by a little kid, yeah." " COACH:" "On the job." " Right. 'Cause you get paid." " That you're about to do." "Right, 'cause it's a child, and it's hilarious." "You don't like getting cut." "You're very physically sensitive." "I am." "Paper cuts give me headaches." " I can't wait to meet him." " Yeah." " Maybe he'll stab me." " Guys, chill out, okay?" "I told you, I got my partner" " to protect me, remember?" " The little one?" "The one would could take a nap in a match box?" "Which reminds me..." "I'm gonna make her a sandwich tomorrow." "I might even throw in a crossword puzzle with Winston-related clues so she can get to know me better." ""Who likes cats?" Winston, across." " I don't like this." " Mm-mm." " His training officer can't protect him!" " She's too tiny." "She looks like she won the silver medal in Athens for the balance beam." "Girl could drown in a raindrop." "I mean, that's girl's..." "I mean, she..." "I can't think of one 'cause I'm so worried about Winston!" "I'm worried about him, too, but I can still think of 'em." "Uh, girl's so, uh..." "Ugh!" "She looks like a Persian Webster." "Ah..." "Girl's like a pepperoni." " Why are you here?" " We brought you a gift." "Assorted candies." "Please enjoy." "They are delicious." "Now, I'm sure you have friends and family of officers coming in here all the time to check on them." "No." "No, this would be a first." " Really?" "This is the first?" " What do you guys need?" "Well, we are here because, uh," "Winston is our best friend, as you know, and, um..." " (clears throat) ... we're worried about him." " Yeah." "And I'm not saying that you're bad at your job as a training officer." "But I'm not saying you're good at your job." "And that's why we're here..." "to kind of see where you're at, to see if you're ready to protect our asset, our dear friend." "Let's..." "let's be diplomatic." "Did Bishop put you up to this?" "Does he have some sort" " of problem with me being his training officer?" " Not at all." "No." "Oh, he is going to pay for this." "He is going to pay." " He shouldn't pay for this." " This has nothing to do with it." " This is about us." " Okay." "First of all, you shouldn't get mad at him." "Get mad at us." " Get out!" " It's good to see you." " Get out." " Okay." "Yo." "Ry-guy. (Laughs)" "I finished printing out the forms." " Let's get goofy." " Mm." " Come on!" " Aah." "Mm-mm." "You got a real Dudley Moore thing" " going on right now, and I like it." " (Groans)" "Jessica Day, I think I'm in love." " Sorry." "Did you just say you were in love?" " That woman is a dynamo." "So let's talk about the whole construction noise thing." "Has anyone ever told you you look like a Jewish Kennedy?" "I hope not, because that would be offensive." "(laughs)" "What?" "I thought you were supposed to be some kind of big shark, and you were playing her." "About the noise." "Given the many considerations..." "traffic, budgets..." "Okay, what is happening?" "What are you doing with your thumb?" "We feel it best to proceed with the given strategy." "She played you!" "I know, and it was wildly arousing!" "But let me tell you something, Jess." "She played you, too." " No, she didn't." " Mm-hmm." "No, she didn't." "I filled out the form, I submitted it." "Here's the confirmation, right here." ""Thank you for your inquiry." " We will respond in 360-500 days... !"" " Isn't she great?" "She can't just walk all over the people of the city like the Jolly Green Giant." "Jolly Green Giant..." "He doesn't stomp on people." "He encourages them to eat their vegetables." "You can't let her do this!" "We have to keep fighting!" "She's taking me to a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a carniceria tomorrow." "You know, Jess, I really think that she may be grooming me to be her arm candy." "This could be a real Bill and Hillary situation." "You, sir, are no Bill Clinton." "I know." "I'm Hillary." "Well, you're not Hillary, either!" "I am, too, Hillary!" "Hey, man, can you be the one to walk away?" "'Cause I just, like..." "My little sleeping British bulldog here is gonna wake up, and he's gonna get scared if I'm not there." " Yeah, I got you." " Yeah." "JESS:" "A bunch of neighbors have joined the fight." "See, if you put out an honest message, you get good, honest people to help you." "Per municipal code 2B, construction is prohibited at night." "However, this project's been issued a waiver that we are trying to revoke." "Now, I'm going to mash a muffin into the phone." "You tell me if it makes its way through." "JESS:" "You're doing a great job, Dave." "It's important to keep it positive." " So, what happened to Schmidt?" " I don't need him." "I got this on lockdown." "Yes, it is banana-walnut." "Now I'm gonna tell you the story of how my daddy spawned with a pony and made the mud boy... that's me." ""Chapter One..." "Mama's House."" "Make sure they're sharp." "It's political suicide to not cut the ribbon on the first try." "Of course." "Look, if there's anyone who understand the importance of a sharp knife, it's a Jewish man." " Hey, listen, about the construction issue..." " We've discussed that." "Look, changing that schedule's a logistical nightmare, not to mention the people it'll piss off." "The sewage lobby's involved in that project, and trust me, you don't want to cross them." "Did they shoot poopy everywhere?" "How old are you?" "No." "No, they just..." "They contribute money to my opponent." "Of course." "No, I..." "I knew that." "They..." "Why would they shoot poopy everywhere?" " No." " Yeah." "Got it." "Hey, listen, I wanted to warn you." "My roommates have recruited a gang of derelicts to... to protest the council meeting." "If only there was someone who could oppose them." "Of course, I can't, because it's technically a citizens' forum." " Are you saying that I should?" " I'm not saying anything." "Oh." "Okay." "You're trying to manipulate me again." "You must think that I'm a real shmendrick." " Well, hello there." " When we're in public," " Yeah." "..." "Let's just tone down the Jewish thing, okay?" " Let's tone down the Jewish thing." " Yeah." "I can do that. 100%." "Let's tone down the Jewish..." "Hey, by the way, sir, thank you so much for keeping the councilwoman safe." " MAN:" "Five stars for Arman!" " He's an Uber driver." " I'm a councilwoman, not a senator." " Okay, I felt like that... (gags, coughs)" "(coughing)" "First day on the job." "Is this where you tell me to forget everything I learned in training?" "N... no!" "Remember everything." "Bishop, if you have a problem with me being your training officer, put down your ice cream cone, take your frickin' thumbs out of your mouth, and say it to my face!" "What?" "!" "I don't have a problem with you." "Did you or did you not tell your roommates to come check up on me?" " What?" "!" "They did that?" " Yeah." "Oh, my goodness, I am so "furiated" right now." "I am very lucky to have you as my training officer." "My roommates don't speak for me." "I promise you will never have to see them again." "They're right there." "They're literally right there." "Oh..." " Oh, yeah, yeah, they see..." " They got us." "Yeah." " Hey!" " Hey!" "(sighs)" "When you step to the badge, the badge step back." "Don't ever say that in my car again." "What the hell are you two doing here?" "And why are you talking to Aly behind my back?" "She said that you guys gave her weird unwrapped candy and then you stole toilet paper from the station bathroom." "We need that toilet paper." "Because we're worried about you!" "We're trying to protect you." " What?" " She's so small, Winston." "You guys should have faith in me." "I got a badge, I got a diploma, and I got a special plastic thing that goes over my hat for when it rains." "(over radio):" "We got a 339 in progress at 62 Sage Brush." " That sounds dangerous." "Stop him!" " Hey, what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" " We can't let you do this!" " We're trying to protect you!" " What the hell is your problem?" " This is scary!" "We're not letting you go on the street!" " This an obstruction of justice." "Dude, that is an obstruction..." " You won't die on my watch!" " Hey!" "Hey, Nick." "Nick." " Oh!" "I can't give you these 'cause I care about you." " Nick, give me the keys." " Don't give 'em back!" "We love you, man!" "We love you!" "WINSTON:" "Coach, you know I can't jump that high!" " Don't test me." " COACH:" "We're protecting you." "Give me those damn keys right..." "Ooh, no, no, no, no... !" "That's what you get!" "(Chuckles)" "Ow!" "Ow!" "I can't go to jail." "I'm too sarcastic for the white gangs." "Yeah, man, I'll get passed around in there like a bong." " Shut up." " Ow!" "You're not going to prison." "The dangers of noise pollution are real." "According to the World Wide Web, it can cause lack of concentration, nervousness, and misunderstandings." "(banging)" "Sir!" "Sir... clearly, manual labor has sculpted your body perfectly, but could you please be quiet?" "(New York accent):" "Sorry, lady, I gotta work all night." "But, sir, people live and work here." "Babies sleep, dogs nap by the window." "Immigrants share noodles and dance to records, with abandon." "You're right!" "We should be looking out for each other." "You said it, handsome guy." "But you know who else should be looking out for us?" "The city." "(cheering and applause)" "Would you stop clapping?" "This is an abomination." "By the way, he... the only reason he got that role is because he's sleeping with her." "You want to get a cheeseburger sandwich?" " My nights just freed up." " Of course." "That sounds great now that I can hear you." " Mm." "Nothing." " What?" "What are you doing?" "The cuffs on your jacket just look a little short." " What?" " They just look a little short." "Why are you telling me this now?" "I got a new tailor." "I'm really insecure about it." " My God." " I'm Jessica Day." "Thank you for listening." "(cheering and applause)" "MAN:" "Tone it down!" "Stop the noise!" "(clearing throat loudly)" "Ah." "N... noise." "N... noise." "Where would... where would we be without you?" " I don't know." " A tree falls, a cabin is made, uh... (Schmidt muttering)" "It just... this doesn't..." "doesn't look right." "A woman screams, a b... a baby is b... a baby is born." " Maybe if the speaker would stop fiddling with his jacket..." " I just..." "It..." "It just doesn't feel like these are..." " He's saying all the right things." " That son-of-a-bitch tailor ruined my jacket." "(sighs) That... that baby that screamed becomes a man and that... that was the story of Abra..." "Abraham Lincoln." "How dare you evoke Lincoln!" "He was our quietest president!" "I feel..." "I'm just so..." "I'm so uncomfortable right now, because of my sleeves." "I feel like an idiot up here, in this jacket!" "Nobody's telling me my... my..." "The tailoring is off!" "I'm going..." "I'm seeing..." "I'm seeing a new tailor, everyone." "Sir... ?" "My tailor's great." "I'll give you his number:" "Eight." "I look like a freaking matador in this thing!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Sir, we've heard enough." " (Schmidt jabbering angrily)" " Stand down!" "You look weak!" "Considering the incoherent and, frankly, disturbing argument from the pro-noise lobby, I have no choice but to recommend a switch to the day schedule, effective immediately." "(cheering and applause)" "New York!" "What?" "I'm Fawn Moscato, the people's warrior." "You're welcome, Los Angeles!" "Tomorrow is a new America!" "Good night!" "(cheering and applause)" "Hello again." "I would like to once more revisit the bottomless clause of the public nudity ordinance." "Oh, my God, I almost hired that guy as a sub." "So, that was a huge failure." "I feel like a Democrat." "Why'd you have to say that about my jacket?" "All right." "Okay, look, Jess told me to." "I mean, I thought your sleeves were fine." "And by "fine,"" "I mean I could not care less." "Oh, hello, shark." "I am woman, the smartest species of them all." "I didn't realize I'd finished that." "I've been waiting here a while." "You underhanded pig woman." "You know, there are certain things that you don't do, and exploiting a man's love of tailoring is one of them." "Which makes what you did all the more impressive." "Well, I felt dirty." "I felt like Evil Winston." "Remember when Winston was evil for that week?" "I can't believe I blew it with Fawn." "You know, she said that we could have sex in the room where O.J. tried on the glove." "Schmidt, it doesn't matter what happened at the meeting." "She doesn't care about you." "She's a power-hungry, self-obsessed woman who just wants a man to shut up and look pretty." "That's not what you want, is it?" "Please take me back." "Look, I was duped by a doe-eyed pixie and her Indian henchwoman." "Forgive me." "It's fine." "It actually worked out." "You were such a jackass up there that no one who supported the construction will be able to hold it against me." "Plus, I picked up a ton of votes." "Or as I like to call them... tiny orgasms." "So let me get this straight:" "You let me humiliate myself, in public, for your own political gain?" "Hmm." "Yes." "You're the sexiest woman that I've ever met." " Ah..." " Ms. Moscato, wherever you're going, take me with you." "Please... it's "Councilwoman."" "And I'll call you when I need you." "That is gonna be... so frustrating." "But I love it." " Why are we in a church?" " I once saw a priest drop his keys and bend over and pick it up, and it was just so human that it ruined religion for me." "It's a support group for families." " Pack it down." "And you pack it down." " And now... weird friends." "... until one day, what happens?" "And I know that his training officer is scary strong." "But, um, he's still my friend and the bad guys are still bad and I just wish I could put him in a giant envelope and just... just mail him away from all the bad guys... (crying)" "There's no shame in this." "Do not judge this man." "We won't." "This is a support group." "I know what you're thinking:" "he looks like a little punk." "He looks like a little boy." "We... we try not to call names here." " NICK:" "Everybody look down." "Don't look at him!" " Good first day, Bishop." " NICK:" "You never look at a man when he cries." " Thanks." " NICK:" "Back me up, man." " You ever let your friends try on your uniform?" " What?" "No." " Oh, yeah." "Me either." "Don't do it." "I'm serious." " Don't do that." " I won't." "I won't." "MAN:" "I'm telling you," " you gotta keep clear!" " What?" "I'm..." "I'm not driving you to the ER this time!" " It's your problem!" " Get out of the way!" "Don't look at me like that!" "MAN 2:" "All right, all right!" "Morning, Jerry." " Hey, how are you doing?" " How are you doing?" "Eh." "Different day, same bucket, right?" "Is that today's Times?" "Kristof's got a piece on net neutrality." "It's very complex, I don't know where I stand." "What kind of bagel do you want this morning?" "Uh, poppy seed or sesame?" "I'm going sesame today." " All right." " Get me a little schmear, would you?"