"# Good morning, U.S.A. #" "# I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day #" "# The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #" "# And he's shining a salute to the American race #" "# Oh, boy it's swell to say #" "# Good morning, U.S.A. # [ Grunts ]" "[ Chorus ] # Good morning, U.S.A. ##" "## [ Rock And Roll ]" " Hey, bucko, that's my seat." " Not anymore." "See, I'm more important than you." "I have got some big stuff going on." "Big stuff." "Now I'm gonna flick your tie." "You're titillated, aren't you?" "But it's the '50s, and you don't know what to do with those feelings." " Meet me in the bathroom." "I'll drill a hole between the stalls." " [ Whirring ]" "## [ Disco ]" "Excuse me." "I'm gonna take your free game." "I'm that important." "I got some big stuff going on." "Now, watch me play." "I suck, but I do my own sound effects." " [ Imitating Pinball Sounds ] - [ Clacking, Beeping ]" "## [ Alternative Rock ]" " Refill." " I'm sorry." "We don't give refills." "Oh, I see." "You don't know who I am." "I can't talk about it, but I have got some big stuff going on." "Now, fill it up." "That's right." "I'm important." "[ Slurping ]" "Man, caffeine doesn't affect me at all." "I can do anything!" "[ Yelling ]" "Dinner's almost ready." "I'm doing one of Rachael Ray's 30-minute meals." "But I'm saving 10 minutes by not being all fake and smiley." "Man, work sucked today." "I got passed over for the Chavez assassination- again." "Another assassination season stuck doing inventory with Mitchell." "[ High Voice ] "Call me Mitch." [ Normal Voice ] Stop trying so hard." "Anyway, everything will be okay as soon as I have this delicious" "[ Slurping ] Mmm." "Nice." " Hmm." "Ta-da!" " Roger!" "Look, Stan, I had a long day too, you know." "It's exhausting having so much big stuff." "Big stuff going on." "Yes, I know." "We've all heard it." "Well, that's because it's true." "I am pretty important." "I need this." " I have a lot going on here on Earth." " You know what?" "Just stop." "I am sick to death of you acting like you're the most important person in the world..." " when the truth is" " Oh, here comes the truth from Stan." " The truth is" " Everybody make way for Stan, coming through with the truth." " The truth is" " Here's the truth, coming at you live via Stan." "Roger, shut up!" "The truth is you're nothing but a worthless sack of fat ass." " [ Gasps ]" " You're lazy, you're a chubbo, you lie, you cheat... you eat all our food, you're a drunk, you never wash your wigs... but you strut around like you're Mary, Queen of Scots, Brangelina and Jesus all rolled into one." "Well, you're not." "You're a big fat nothing." "Okay." "All right." "Well, that's it." "You did it." "The real truth is I do have big stuff going on, and here it is." " I'm... the Decider." " The Decider?" "I was sent here on a top secret mission... to decide if the people of Earth should live or die." "And what you just said there, you crossed the line, buddy." "I've decided." "[ Laughs ] The Decider?" "Well-Well-Well, what is that... some new Lea Thompson legal thriller on Lifetime?" "Let me guess." "She's a judge, she has a hard time dating, she rides her bike to work." "I've decided, Stan." "I'm going to my Fortress of Solitude outside Roswell... and sending a message to my people to blow this dump of a planet up." "You-You're going to Roswell to blow up Earth?" "Right now?" " Yes." " Great." "I'll come along." "Good." "When I bend over to push the button... my ass will be the last thing you ever see." "I'm gonna go brush my teeth, and then we'll go send the signal." "Because of you, bitch, call your mother and tell her you killed her." "I'll do that." "Thanks." "[ Laughing ]" "Stan, come on." "You hurt his feelings, so he made some stuff up." "Don't make Roger go all the way to Roswell... just to call him on his baloney." "Sorry, Francine, but he asked for it." "I'm tired of him walking around here like he's- like he's King Poop all the time." " Is that really what you wanted to say?" " No." "Look at me." "I'm a walrus." "[ Wailing ]" "[ Laughing ]" "Huh." "I guess he went to the bathroom to laugh in private." " No." "He went to get his sister." " Oh, hey, Akiko." "[ Speaking Japanese ]" "Toshi is greatly offended." "Those chopsticks were carved from the femur of our great-grandmother." "Yech!" "Gross!" "[ Speaking Japanese ]" "Until now, Toshi has stoically tolerated your boorish jokes." " But no more." " Akiko, listen  [ Shouting In Japanese ]" " Do not interrupt!" " [ Speaking Japanese ]" " Toshi issues a challenge." " [ Japanese ]" " You will compete in the arena of your choosing." "[ Japanese ]" "The loser will switch to the later lunch period... so you never have to eat together again." " [ Japanese ]" " Unless you care to apologize." "What?" "Apologize for being hilarious?" "Never." "Very well." "Come to our house tomorrow to choose your challenge." "Anyone else get a boner when Akiko slapped me?" "Uh, me neither." "[ Chuckles ] Got to go." "Hey, you know what's funny?" "Walking like a gorilla." "[ Hooting ]" " [ Jet Engine Roaring ]" " Hey." "Why can't you send your pretend message to blow up Earth... to your home planet on your cell phone?" "It's not pretend, butt-face." "[ Woman On P.A. ] Southwestern Airlines would like to welcome all of its passengers..." " in boarding group "B"" " What?" "I'm a "C." How'd you get a "B"?" "Printed it at home while you were packing." "You know what?" "Good." "Enjoy your "B" boarding pass... 'cause you're gonna "be" obliterated." "[ Laughs ] I got him good." "Did you hear that alphabet humor, Arab guy?" "See, you can't make jokes." "You make a joke, you get thrown off the plane." "Sad, but that's the world we live in now." "[ Woman On P.A. ] Now boarding group "C" and higher." "Oh, sorry." "There's no more room on the plane." "You're going to have to check your bag." " Can I put it on my lap?" " No." "But I wanted to go straight from the airport to my Fortress of Solitude." "I don't wanna have to wait for lug- You know what?" "It doesn't matter." "I got bigger things on my plate." " Much, much bigger things." " Hmm." "Comfy there, Mr. Decider?" " [ Snoring ] - ## [ Rock ]" "[ Snoring Continues ]" "[ Grunting, Sighs ]" " Sir, my seat won't go back." " Yeah." "That one's broken." " But I have a bad back." " Hmm." "Behold my Fortress of Solitude!" "[ Stan Whistles ] Impressive." "Afternoon, sojourners." "Strawberry Coors?" "It's something I invented." "I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a Twizzler, you see." " [ Slurping ]" " I really like your roommate." "Nice touch with the rolling." "Don't wanna open the door too wide and let Disability Check Dan over there see your..." "Fortress of Solitude." "Oh, good Lord." "It's real." "You know, Stan, it's too bad." "I actually liked Francine." "The rest of them can suck it, but Francine I'm sorry to see die." " Roger, we- we joke a lot, me and you." " [ Beeping, Whirring ]" "But you know that deep, deep in my heart I've always loved" "Too late, Stan." "You've sealed your fate." "And now  [ Engine Powering Down ]" " Something's wrong." "What the" " Why isn't this" ""Dear humans who discover this wreck, please disregard it." ""We crashed this ship into your planet..." ""to test new safety features..." ""because we care about our customers." ""The alien inside is merely a crash-test dummy... who most likely died upon impact."" "Crash-test dummy?" "But they told me" "[ Laughing ] The Decider." "That is classic." "I'm loving this." "[ Laughing ]" "No." "No." "This can't be." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "If I just found out I'm the Lindbergh baby... whom do I tell?" "[ Laughing ]" "[ Laughing Continues ]" "[ Laughing Continues ]" "[ Laughing Continues ]" " [ Body Hits Floor ] - [ Laughing Continues ]" "[ Laughing Continues ]" "[ Laughing Continues ]" "I'm sure by now Toshi's realized... that he's the one who owes me an apology... for making me put part of his great-grandmother in my mouth." " [ Doorbell Rings ]" " I had Japanese great-grandma once." "I had the Shintos for a week." " [ Stan Laughing ]" " Thank you!" "[ Door Closes ]" "Choose your method of challenge." "Each character represents an ancient Japanese ritual." "Very well." "So it is chosen." " Wait." "What did I choose?" " Hot dog eating contest." "[ Gong ]" "[ Yells ]" "I'm screwed, man." "I can't beat a tiny Asian boy at eating hot dogs." "Well, you better start training." "You don't wanna switch to the later lunch period." "That's when the guy with the milky eye starts mopping up around the tables." "Why do they make eye patches if not for that exact situation?" " Maybe he can't afford one." " See, now I'm bummed out." "[ Stan Laughing ]" "Roger, how was Roswell?" " [ Laughing ]" " What happened?" "Well, for the last 70 years, Roger thought he was the Decider of humanity." "But it turns out he's just a crash-test dummy." "Oh, the poor thing." "Poor thing, please." "Trust me." "He'll shake it off in an hour." "[ Groans ]" " [ Knocking ] - [ Francine ] Roger?" "Will you please come out?" "We made your favorite meal- roast squab with a burgundy pine-nut reduction and truffle risotto." " And toasted brioche?" " Of course." "Well, there's a place set at the table if you change your mind." "Okay, Roger, you can do this." "Just pick yourself up and start anew." "[ Inhales ]" "[ Stan ] Oh, look who decided to come to dinner." "[ Crying ]" "Roger?" "Hey, little guy." "Want a waffle?" "[ Laughs ] He's coming in." "Look." "[ Chewing ]" "Roger, it's okay." "Stan didn't mean any of those things he said." "[ Sighs ] No." "He's right." "I'm not the most important person on Earth." "I have no special purpose." "Don't say that." "There are lots of things to do besides blow up Earth." "Maybe you could get a job." " You know, do something with your life." " I guess." " Are my hot dogs ready, Mom?" " Wouldn't you rather have a waffle?" "No, ma'am." "Only hot dogs until the day of the showdown." "[ Gulps ] Thanks again for teaching me how to tame my gag reflex." "[ Roger, Francine, Hayley ] You're welcome." "Hot dogs, huh?" "I like hot dogs." "Maybe I'll get some sort of hot dog related job." "Oh, you mean like making hot dogs or selling hot dogs?" "I don't know, Francine!" "I just had the idea!" "Will you let me think for just one moment?" "God, I come up with good ideas, and you needle me with questions." "Probably something supervisory in the distribution department." "There you go." "I knew I'd think of it if you gave me a moment." "[ Exhales ] You did it, Roger." "Assistant regional distribution manager for Hotdog Hauss." "On your way back to the top." "Hey, I need you to refill the ink in this stamp." " Can I decide what color?" " No." "It's red." "Hey, Roger, there's a new Hotdog Hauss in Chimdale." "And you need me to decide how many hot dogs to send them for their grand opening?" "No." "Just letting you know that our company's growing." "Hey, Roger, we got a bad batch of hot dogs here." "Nitrate level in 'em is lethal." "Make sure they get thrown out, would ya?" "You mean, I'm in charge of something?" "Yeah." "Sure." "You're, uh, president of throwing out bad wieners." "Congratulations." "Lethal, huh?" "The Decider is back." "Bathroom material." "This V.I.P. has to V.I. pee-pee." "Yeah, I do it sitting down, 'cause comfort is king, and I have no wang." " What the hell?" "I was reading that." " I'm sorry, Stan... but I have got some big stuff going on." "I'm gonna take this in case I get cold on the toilet." "Here we go again." "He gets a crappy job... and he's acting like he owns the world." "You know what?" "I'm going down to that hot dog place tomorrow... and I'm setting that weirdo straight." "Do you really think it's worth taking all these sick days... just to make Roger feel bad?" "I got it covered." "I told them you had a baby." "Oh." "This is from Jackson." "Che Guevara?" "Is this supposed to be hip?" "He was a murderer." "Just put her in it one time when you bring her to the office." "I guess." "Stan, you came to see me at work, like a wife." "Oh, I just stopped by to show you something." "I downloaded this chart of Hotdog Hauss's corporate structure." "Look." "There's the parent company." "There's the subsidiary." "There's the branch of Food Co. that presides over Hotdog Hauss." "There's Hotdog Hauss." "There's East Central Division." "There's this warehouse." "And this tiny little box here is you." " Still feel important?" " Yes, I do." "Because I have some big stuff going on." "No, you don't." "You have nothing." " So stop acting like a big shot." " Okay, Stan." "I'll let you in on a little secret." "You see, I found these dogs so full of nitrates that each one can kill a man." "I call them "death dogs." And I'm in charge of them." "Me." " What are you talking about?" " Anytime I want, I could let out some bad wieners." "See, Stan?" "I'm the Decider again." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, where do you keep these alleged death dogs?" "Well, they're not here." "They're someplace safe, someplace you'll never guess." "The last place you would ever think to look." "No, no." "No, don't look in the fridge." "They're not in there!" " Huh." "They're not in there." " They're not?" "Oh, boy." "Okay, let's think." "Who could have taken them?" "Francine took them to Steve's hot dog eating contest." "Damn it, Roger." "What have you done?" " Do you know what this means?" " Of course I know what this means." "I just missed my chance to sing "Who Let the Dogs Out?"" "It would've been perfect a moment ago." "You know who would have really appreciated it?" "Steve." "Too bad he's probably dead." "You idiot!" "You may have killed my son!" "There's still time." "Now, where did Steve say the hot dog contest was?" "God, I don't know." "He must have told me a thousand times." " I know." "Me too." " I totally" " I just zone out when that kid is speaking." "Well, you have to." "It's the only way you can get through dinner." "Um, Steve's at Toshi's house." "That's where the hot dog eating contest is." "What?" "Why didn't you say something before?" "Daddy and Roger were fighting, and I got scared." "So hopefully you'll pick up this voice mail before you eat a hot dog." "And if not, if you're listening to this from heaven, I love you, kiddo." "Well, I warned Toshi." "You're blocking me." "We're taking your car." " Give me the keys." " Okay, fine." "You can drive." "But a word of warning." "This car is an ass magnet." "[ Snot ] When the whistle blows, the contest begins." "Whoever finishes the most hot dogs in 10 minutes wins." "Vomit will disqualify you." "Okay, looks like a left on Reservoir Lane." "I never even heard of it." "Let me see." "Roger, this is a poster of Bo Derek." "I know." "Have you ever seen cheekbones so- Look out!" "[ Tires Screech ]" "[ Panting ]" "You" " You, uh- You really do make a good crash-test dummy." "Shut up and drive!" " [ Chomping ] - [ Tires Screech ]" "Nobody eat the hot dogs!" "Death dogs." "They're called death dogs." "They're both tied at 38." "Get away from the table!" "You weren't supposed to eat those." "They're poisonous." "Now you're gonna die." " [ Gasps ] - [ Speaking Japanese ]" "Don't you mean, "Oh, my Godzilla"?" "Thank you!" "What have we done?" "I'm sorry." "Oh, I should've said that in the first place." "Forgive me?" "[ Speaking Japanese ]" "Toshi is honor-bound to accept a deathbed apology." "Good-bye then, dear Toshi." "I should've been nicer to you." "You were my only friend who wasn't poor or fat." "Oh, wait." "False alarm." "I still have my death dogs." "Oh, Toshi's mother insisted on using the hot dogs she bought." "Apparently the ones I brought weren't good enough." "They weren't." "They would have killed our children." "I'm sorry, dear." "I don't understand what you're saying." "Does anyone speak sushi hostess?" "Look, the important thing is that Roger didn't end up killing anyone with his" "Hey, where is Roger?" "Sorry, Stan." "I can't let you destroy these." "They're all I have." "I need them." "[ Yelling ]" "[ Grunting ]" "No!" "I'm worthless now!" "I'm a nobody just like everyone else." "And it's about time you said it." "Damn it, Stan." "Why can't you give Roger a break?" "Why should I?" "Nobody gives me a break." "I don't see why he gets to feel important when I don't." "So that's why you're being such a jerk to Roger." " You feel like a nobody..." " [ Bird Tweeting ] so you can't let Roger feel like a somebody." "Oh, my God." "You're right." "It must be so obvious to everyone if you picked up on it." "Oh, Stan, you're not a nobody." "You're important to me and to Steve and Hayley and even to Roger." "You're so important to him that he was gonna blow up the whole world..." " because you insulted him." " [ Gopher Chitters ]" " [ Bird Squawks ]" " Wow." "I never really thought about it that way." " Hey, Roger." "I owe you an apology." " [ Dog Grunts ]" " I'm sorry." " [ Sniffles ]" " I just wanna feel like I matter." " I know." "Me too." "We're not so different, you and I." "Yes, we are." "We're night and day." "Except for in this specific instance." "So here." " What is it?" " I'm allergic to shellfish." "If I accidentally eat any, my throat will swell up and I will die." "This is my EpiPen." "I keep it with me at all times to give myself a shot just in case." "You're giving it to me?" "If having the power over life and death... is what it takes to make you feel special, then yes." "When the time comes, you can decide whether I live or die." "You made me the Decider again." " Enjoy it, buddy." " Hey, you guys!" "I'm the Decider!" "I guess today isn't this groundhog's day." "[ Yells ]" "[ Imitating Guitar ]" " What are you doing?" " CSI:" "Miami." "Caruso?" "Just get your scraper, Darren." " Freshly baked cookies." " Wow!" "Thanks, Roger." "I'm sorry I acted like an entitled ass for the last 70 years." "[ Sniffs ] Roger, was this" "[ Laughs ] Crawfish cookies." " Need this?" " [ Hoarsely ] Yes." "Oh, my God!" "His allergy!" "Roger, give him the shot!" "Not so fast, Francine." "I am the Decider, and I will decide" " Roger!" " And I decide to give him the shot." " It's empty." " But I only used it once." "I was super hungover, and I wanted an adrenaline rush." " It... felt..." " [ Grunting ]" " [ Screams ] - amazing." "Bye!" "Have a beautiful time." "English" " US" " SDH"