"And we're in his office at the *** state house, preparing for a budget meeting." "Then I just turned to her and I said, "Hey, I love you, you love me." "Let's do this."" "Then an hour later, we were married." "And here we are on your fifth anniversary." "Did you guys even have a honeymoon?" "Oh, yeah." "We went down the block to Waffle Circus." "Waffles?" "!" "What a story!" "He loves waffles." "And he loves me..." "in that order." "I mean, weddings are stupid anyway, right?" "What's the point?" "Well, I guess I would know." "You're very good at it." "You've done it several times." "Uh, sir, I think we may need to walk back your little wedding gaffe." "It wasn't a gaffe." "Larry King wrote "gaffe" on a note card and waved it at his producer." "America loves weddings, sir." " Have you seen reality TV?" " Calm down." "Calm down." "America knows I'm a jokester." "It'll blow over." "Day 31 of Weddingate!" "The President's approval rating continues to slide following his controversial" " anti-wedding stance." " It did not blow over." "Sir, you've offended women... and men trying to impress women, which is all men, except gay men, whom you've also offended." "Of course the President doesn't believe in weddings!" "Just look at his pregnant unmarried daughter." "Oh, God." "And now I'm told that the Carson City courthouse has absolutely no record of his own very own "ceremony"" "five years ago." "Maybe he's not married at all." "Where's the marriage certificate?" "Marshall, what's he talking about?" "I don't know." "Okay, do you guys have a copy of your certificate?" "That way, we can show this to the press and kill this?" " Of course we do." " Obviously." " You have it." " You have it." " You have it." " You have it!" "♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa. ♪" "Guys, we're trying to track down our marriage certificate." "So let's all think back to that day and where it might be." " Becca, obviously, you wouldn't know." " Oh, my God!" "I was stuck in traffic!" "I wasn't boycotting!" "Who said boycotting?" "Is it the person wracked with guilt?" "I remember the county clerk was so pretty." "Marriage certificates are a painful reminder that women were once bought and sold like livestock." "Xander, it doesn't say that I own Emily." "Whatever helps you sleep at night." "Papa, I remember every detail from that magical day." "Emily aglow in that veil she borrowed from state Senator April Gustavson, who herself was married two weeks later" " to lobbyist Peter Kilmeade." " That's right." "That didn't work out." "He was a drinker." "Dad, you kissed the bride under the statehouse dome, at which point Emily handed me some important paperwork that I was supposed to mail." "Then we all went to the Waffle Circus where they were out of blackberry syrup, but I was surprisingly pleased with their other syrup options, so it was fine." "Oh." "Uh-oh." "Did you mail that important paperwork?" "I don't know." "The whole day is a blur." "Skip, that was our marriage license." "If you didn't mail it..." "We actually might not be married." "Trying to remember if I let everyone down." "Did you know that exercise helps improve memory performance?" "You gave it to Skip?" "Visualize floating on a sea of indigo bubbles as you allow yourself to trust your baby and your body." "This hypnosis stuff isn't a good idea, babe." "After the state fair, I was a chicken for a week." "D.B., this is just a way of getting into a deeply relaxed state to increase your endorphin level." "And then boom." "Somebody claps, you wake up, everyone's laughing and it's like, why is my mouth full of birdseed?" "Okay, yeah, let's take a break." "Hey, did you see that angry Colonel Sanders guy on TV that said we should get married?" "Yeah, that's just what I need:" "another impulsive decision that'll affect the rest of my life." "Yeah, for sure." "I mean, that's what I said, too." "Yep." "Okay, we're gonna throw a wedding!" "Wow, you're sweaty." "All right, so we all know Dad's in hot water because he said that weddings are like a cancer on the body politic." "That's not what I said." "Saw it on cable news." "Just the messenger." "So we need to show everybody that Dad loves weddings!" "You see where I'm going with this?" "You see where I'm going, huh?" "We take this Skip crisis and turn it into a Skip-tertunity!" "Skiptunity?" "A Skip crisis?" "No, that's where we started." "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Skip might actually be on to something." "A big White House wedding?" "The press would eat it up." "Horse-drawn carriages, Peruvian cake pull, a few tigers, used tastefully." "Skip, I'm not gonna turn our marriage into a dog-and-pony show." "We already settled on tigers, Dad." "Emily, back me up." "I... wouldn't exactly hate a big wedding." "Yes!" "Listen to your longtime girlfriend!" "But we already had a awesome wedding." "We went to Waffle Circus!" "Exactly." "We went to Waffle Circus." "Hey, Dad, look at me." "It was an awful day, okay?" "Swing and a miss." "Maybe you're right, but I still don't see why we have to put on a big show." "My question is:" "has the White House been transmogrified into a den of iniquity?" "Perhaps my committee should investigate." "Okay, fine, we'll get married." "Whatever." "The words every little girl longs to hear." "Ma'am, we'd like to go over a few details for the wedding," " if you're ready." " I've been ready for 40 years." "Me, too." "Let's begin with food." "Would you like to serve food at the wedding?" "Well, of course." "Well, that's going to be problematic." "Serving chicken will upset the beef lobby." "Serving beef will upset the pork lobby." "Serving pork will upset the Jews, and then you've lost Florida." "Guys, this is crazy." "It doesn't matter what animal we eat so long as it's slain in honorable combat." "Moving on." "We've selected a marvelous gluten-free cake." "Can we have gluten on the side for those of us who want to dip?" "You know, maybe we should talk about music." "You mean Yo-Yo Ma?" "You mean Japanese rockabilly legend Guitar Wolf?" "There's gotta be something in between those two." "Ma'am, if I may address the elephant in the room." "Why is he here?" "The wedding was actually his idea." "My fault and my idea." "So I guess the real question is, why are you here?" "Aside from making awesome suggestions like elephants." "This wedding is a response to a scandal, and I am here to prevent another one." "Hmm." "Well, the only thing you are preventing, sir, is Emily and I from having the wedding of our dreams." "Skip, Winslow does has a point." "I mean, it's important that we consider..." "Consider what?" "The "consequences"?" "Listen, everybody." "The people want what they think is the best ceremony." "Because out there, it's their time!" "But in here, it's our time." "It's our time in here." "And that's all over the second we ride up in Troy's bucket." "Is-Is that Goonies?" "It's always Goonies!" "Always Goonies." "Winslow shot down all of my amazing ideas, even though everybody else in the room loved them." "And Emily agreed with him!" "It's like she has Stockholm Syndrome... that thing where you go to Stockholm and you're, like, "I'll just stay here."" "Skip, I've got a lot of work to do." "Fine." "I'm sorry." "I'll go." "It's just, I feel like everybody's hijacking Emily's wedding, and I wish there was something I could do." "Look, Skip..." "I guess I could just book the tigers and get the tiger-sized cummerbunds." "Skip, listen to me." "For once in your life, don't go too far." "Just go far enough." "Whoa." "That was so wise and lyrical." "I'm just saying do one small thing." "Make a single memorable moment." "Like in Empire Strikes Back when Han kisses Leia, and it's, like, finally someone in this film gets some action." "A single memorable moment." "Do you know where I can get a man-sized birdcage?" "This is your special time." "Quiet your brain pan." "As you give yourself..." " Becca!" " Wow!" "That's not helpful." "Sorry, but I heard your dad and his wife are getting married again, and I had an idea:" " double wedding!" "What?" "!" " Oh, boy..." "Yeah, you can get one of those hilarious baby mama wedding gowns that's, like," ""Uh-oh, we know what happened here," and I'll borrow" "Uncle Randy's tuxedo that he used to rob that casino." "D.B., no, we are not getting married." "We're not there yet." "Well, then where are we?" "Pre-engaged?" "Friends without benefits?" "Are we even a couple?" "We are just two people having a baby!" "Especially me!" "And pretty soon, I'm gonna have to push a watermelon out of my lady parts, and I have to literally trick my mind into believing that it's gonna be slightly less painful, okay?" "So if you don't feel like helping me accomplish that goal, then you can just go." " Fine!" " Fine!" "Relax it up!" "Yes, I will!" "Breathe in, breathe out." "Hey, Marshall!" "Hey, D.B., I'm a little busy." "I get it." "Quick question:" "why won't Becca marry me?" "Oh, uh, do we talk like this?" "This whole baby thing brought Becca and me together, which was a surprise." "But I thought it was a good surprise, like when you find 20 bucks in your coat." "But for Becca, it's a bad surprise, like when you reach in your coat, (gasps) mousetrap." "Look, D.B., maybe you're just not the kind of guy she had in mind." " What do you mean, "had in mind"?" " Well, maybe like a college guy." "A college guy like you?" "No!" "Just maybe somebody with a different career trajectory?" " A different career trajectory like you?" " No." " Is it you?" " I am not talking about myself!" "So, look, D.B., do the math." "I'll do the math." "She met you in a bar, thought you were in the navy, got pregnant and had to put her entire life on hold." "Now, surely you can understand why she wants to tap the brakes a little." "Huh." "I thought you were gonna say," ""She'll come around, man" and give me one of these." "This is good, too." "Well, maybe I'll be carrying a bouquet of sawgrass and poison oak, but, man, I love this dress." "Stunning." "It's a shame you'll never wear it outside of this room." "What?" "Unfortunately, 14% of Americans feel that this dress is too "hotsy-totsy."" "You focus-grouped my dress?" "Within an inch of its life, ma'am." "Well, what if I said to hell with the focus groups and wore it anyway?" "We live in a world of the 24-hour news cycle." "How do they fill it?" "Nonsense, tales of unlikely animal friendships, and manufactured controversy over, say, a president's offhand remark about weddings." "It's a world where the wrong word or food or even dress can sink a presidency." "But you do look nice." "By all means, let's chance it." "My grandmother gave me diamond earrings that I wore at the first wedding." "Are those okay to wear?" "We'll need to make sure they're not conflict diamonds." "Where the hell are those earrings?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Hey." "The thing Skip was supposed to mail!" "The marriage license!" "I've had it this whole time!" "Now I remember, I took it back from him at Waffle Circus after I realized he did this to the back." "The good news is, now we don't have to do this wedding, which is fine, because you're right." "It's stupid." "Is that what you're wearing?" "No." "It polled terribly." "Oh, screw the polls." "You look amazing." "Emily Nash, would you do me the honor of marrying me again for what appears to be no reason?" "Still not quite what every little girl longs to hear... but getting warmer." "Oh, D.B., pick up." "Just pick up, D.B." "I think I hurt his feelings." "Now he's not answering his phone." "I might have really screwed up." "Oh, I'm sure you didn't screw up." "Why are you emphasizing "you" like that?" "Wedding!" "That's your cue." "All right, where's Skip?" "Oh, there." "It's okay to be happy, but why are you smiling like a lunatic?" "Oh, no reason." "No reason at all." "At this time, I'll ask you to take each other's hands." "Dale, do you take Emily to have and to hold, from this day forward..." "Hey, guys!" "Hey." " Oh, no." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes." " I, too, had my doubts, but it's much better than I think we all anticipated." "So, I was gonna do a song by Cyndi Lauper, who of course is famous for her work on The Goonies soundtrack, but after some good advice," "I decided to sing one of her lesser-known gems." "I'm scared." "That's correct." "♪ Lying in my bed ♪" "♪ I hear the ♪" "♪ Clock tick ♪" "♪ And think of you ♪" "♪ Caught up in circles ♪" "♪ Confusion is nothing new ♪" "♪ Flashback ♪" "♪ Warm nights ♪" "♪ Almost left behind ♪" "♪ The second hand unwinds ♪" "♪ If you're lost, you can look ♪" "♪ And you will find me ♪" "♪ Time after time ♪" "♪ If you fall, I will catch you ♪" "♪ I'll be waiting ♪" "What..." " ♪ Time after time... ♪ - ...what's wrong?" "That song..." "It's my birthing song." "♪ ..." "I will catch you, I will be waiting ♪" " Oh, no!" "♪ Time after time... ♪" "Becca, what are you doing?" "Stacey hasn't even finished" " her harp solo." " My water broke!" " Oh." "Oh!" " Stacey, stand down." "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I don't want to ruin your wedding; this is..." "Oh..." "I'm not due for another three weeks." "Why did you play that song?" "Well, I was trying to create a single memorable moment, until you ruined it, but that's okay." "It doesn't matter." "We're going to the hospital." "I don't want to go without D.B." "Please, can you go get him?" "He's at work, but he won't answer his phone, and I think..." " I'm on it." "And I'm on it with Dad, Becs." " I'm on it with Dad." " You know what?" "I'm coming along, too." "Just in case there's any unexpected press issues in the car." "Really good thinking, Marshall." "I'll take you to the hospital." "But you're not married yet." "All right, uh..." "let's go." "Judge Garcia..." "That's it." " Um, do you..." " I do." " Do you?" " I do." "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "Again." "You may kiss the bride." "Thank you!" "Let's move out." " Yeah, Dad." " Let's move out." "Stacey..." "I'm so sorry about your solo." "It's okay." "This was amazing." "Skip." "Come on." "Skip." "Skip!" "I like you." "I know." "Skip, come on." "Becca's having a baby." "We're on a mission." "It's like we're the two musketeers... and Marshall's helping... but it's really just a father-son thing, right, Dad?" "Oh..." "Oh, we're just staring out the window like pensive supermen." "This might be slightly my fault." "Becca and I... had a relationship." "Secrets!" " For a year." " Long-term secrets!" "And that might be why D.B. ran off." "I thought it was over." "It is over, but then" "D.B. was grilling me about it, and I said some things that may have..." "Wait." "You knew?" " You knew?" " Of course I knew." "Of course he knew, Marshall." "He's the damn President." " Well, you didn't know." " And that hurts." "Because I think of us as the two musketeers." "But we can talk about this later." "I have enough on my plate right now." "D.B.?" "He quit a few minutes ago." "Stop gasping." "How are we gonna find him?" "D.B. and I have a deep spiritual connection." "I know how to find him." "I can feel him... his beating heart." "Skip, is he still in the mall?" "Did I really just buy into that?" "Too much time with this damn family." "What do we covet?" "We covet what we see every day." "Over here is his gym, which is across from the Jamba Juice where he gets his protein-rich smoothies to feed that incredible machine, which is right across from..." "At ease." "At ease." "How'd you find me?" "Skip knew how to find you." "But wait..." "did you just join the Navy?" "I'm gonna be the man Becca thought I was." "Plus, I already had the haircut." "That's a hell of a step, son." "I'm proud of you." "Could I get a pamphlet?" "But I can't say that I'm crazy about you running out on my daughter." "I'm not running out on her." "Okay?" "She won't marry me, and Marshall helped me realize" "I'm a loser with no future." "That's how you quote me?" "You should work for the Times." "Look... you asked me why Becca didn't want to marry you, and I gave you an honest answer based on logic, and... well, really just logic." "All right?" "But it doesn't matter." "She loves you." "How do you know that?" "I saw her at the wedding." "And she was a mess because you weren't there." "And she really wants you at that hospital with her right now." "Wait." "Hospital?" "Yeah." "She's in labor." "Didn't we lead with that?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna lean against that, and you lean against me." "Okay." "I really am sorry." "Hey." "It's not... it's okay." "It's just a party." "No." "I'm sorry for how hard I've been on you over the years." "I think it was just difficult for me to accept you without feeling like I was being disloyal to my mom." "Hey, I understood that." " Okay, now my butt hurts." " Okay." "Oh, damn, my leg's asleep." "Here." "Here, here." " You know, Emily..." " Yeah?" "the truth is, is that..." "I really admire you." "You're-you're this amazing lawyer and political wizard, and, you know, that's the kind of career" "I thought I was gonna have one day." "But now it's like, who knows?" "Plus, I bet I somehow end up supporting D.B." "You know, for a while," "I thought I was gonna have kids." "You know?" "And then it just... didn't happen." "And I thought, "Well, I guess I'm not."" "And then I met your dad, and all of a sudden, I have four kids." "And one of them hates me." "And now, here I am, and I have this amazing family." "And I couldn't be happier." "Life surprises you." "Emily, I, um..." "Well..." "I love you." "I know." "Oh..." "Oh, God." "Oh, I don't love this." "What the heck is going on here?" "It's residual from when they cleared the streets for the First Lady an hour ago, sir." "How often are we causing this kind of backup?" "People must hate us." "I get asked about it in briefings." "How far are we?" "About ten blocks, sir." "Nothing we can do." "Guys, where are we going?" "A food run?" "We can eat when we get to the hospital!" "Oh, my gosh, the President!" "Hi!" "Sorry!" "Get that guy" " a fruit basket or something." " Yes, sir." "If it weren't for the adrenaline coursing through my veins right now," "I don't believe I'd be keeping up." "I could lift a golf cart, I'm so pumped by this adventure." " Becca." " Oh, D.B." " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." " Oh, no, no, no." "I'm-I'm sorry." "We're good, babe." "I'm so glad you came back." "Of course." "You love me." "I know." "Aw, babe," "I'm sorry I didn't bring the relaxation tape." "It's okay." " It's okay." " No, wait." "It's cool." "I know it." "Visualize floating on a sea of indigo bubbles, as you allow yourself... to trust your baby and your body." "Release all doubts as you give yourself permission to relax." "You know, families aren't made in big, formal ceremonies." "They're forged day by day in smaller moments of hope and heartache, through arguments and kindnesses." "It's what makes you a family, truly knowing one another, flaws and all." "Through life's joys..." "It's a boy." "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy." "Feeling super-conflicted, here, guys." "...and life's surprises." "Well, it is a good thing you guys are both about the same size."