"In phase." "Out of phase." "OK, let's try it." "Took you long enough." " Sorry." "I got distracted." " Really?" "How exactly do you get distracted making a sperm deposit?" "You find something more interesting in your pants?" "No." "Just the usual contents which I was operating in the traditional manner." "But then I started to think..." "We're selling our sperm to a high-IQ sperm bank and we can't guarantee high-IQ offspring." "Extreme intelligence is as much of a mutation as the migrating eye of the flounder." "Sheldon, you are the only person I know that can take the fun out of masturbation." "Fortunately I stumbled across a magazine that featured women with large buttocks." "And by stumbled across, you mean removed from your sock drawer and brought with you." "Excuse me, this is not a random fetish." "Ample hind quarters suggests successful child-bearing." "My arousal is a classic evolutionary response." "That's neat." "Did you fill the cup or not?" "Oh, I don't think those cups are designed to be filled." "No, the size is meant to facilitate aim like the spittoons of the Old West." "Terrific!" "Now you've ruined masturbation and cowboys." "Come on!" " Excuse me." " Hang on." "Um... 1 across is Aegean." "8 down is Nabokov. 26 across is MCM." "13 down is..." "Move your finger..." "Phylum." "Which makes 13 across Port-Au-Prince." "Tada!" "Can I help?" "Yes, we just finished, um, making the..." "We've completed our assignment." "We made 2 deposits." "That's about 80 million egg-seeking geniuses." "Well, they're potential geniuses." "I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers." "I'll get you your checks." "Checks?" "No, we need cash." " See the plan was to go out to dinner." " We're temporarily short on funds." "Oh I'm surprised." "It's usually the rich folk who sell their bodily fluids." "The policy is check only." "Alright fine... then, um... no deal!" "You pay us cash or we want it back." "You want what back?" "Um... "it"." "Fine." "Take "it" back." "Okay, I was bluffing." "It was a good bluff." "You almost had me." "Did you hear that?" "I almost had her." "How is it that you can recite pi to 80 decimal places, but you can't recognize sarcasm?" "Well I don't think the two are related." "I'm not looking forward to convincing The Bombay Palace to let us pay for our meal with a check from a sperm bank." "Or we can eliminate the middle man and we can just pay with sperm." "I wonder if that is where the phrase "beat the check" comes from." "No, mom, our relationship is definitely over." "I am not going back." " She seems a little upset." " Yeah, try not to make eye contact." "Hang on." "Anyway, I was thinking maybe I could come and stay with you and Henry." "Why would that be awkward?" "If I hadn't slept with him, you never would have met him." "Shouldn't we... do something?" "Oh, no." "No." "I'm not aware of anything in the social code that requires we intervene." "What about... "damsel in distress"?" "Twelfth-century code of chivalry it's not exactly current." "You'd also have to have been knighted for that to apply." "Are you listening to yourself, Sheldon?" "This is why I'm your only friend." "I wonder if you'd feel compelled to help her if she were unattractive." "I wonder if you'd feel compelled to help her if she had a big heinie." "Once again that attraction is purely biological." "Oh cloak it in science all you want." "You're an ass-man." "Stipulated." "Now let's go eat." "Are you suggesting we just leave her here?" "We're not leaving her here." "She's here." "We're leaving." "There's no causal relationship." "Would you hang on!" "Excuse me?" "Um... do you like Indian food?" "What?" "You see..." "I find that when I'm undergoing severe emotional strain, that good food and conversation can often have a calming effect." "And also... curry is a natural laxative which helps flush toxins from the lower digestive tract and well I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is just... one less thing to worry about." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Leonard, I'm no expert but in the context of a dinner invitation it's probably best to skip the discussion of bowel movements." "You're asking me to dinner?" "Yes." "Why?" "I don't know." "I'm concerned about you." "Actually he's just acting on his evolutionary imperative to protect a fertile female in jeopardy." "If he were a coyote, he would straddle you and yelp." "Oh good." "I was afraid it might be something creepy." "Come on." "Look at us." "The only thing we're a threat to are the current faddish theories about quantum singularities." "That's too true." "That's too true." "Okay." "You guys can buy me dinner but that's the end of it." "The end of what?" "Wow." "Let's go eat." "Great!" "I'm Leonard." "This is Sheldon." "Of course you are." "Katie." "So you guys normally pick up crying women on the street?" "No!" "This is a first." "We usually just masturbate 'til we have dinner money and then eat alone." "I am really uncomfortable here." "Relax." " What's his problem?" " This isn't where we normally sit." "We sit at that table over there." "That's our table." "What's the difference?" " What's the difference!" "?" " Here we go." "That table is closer to the kitchen resulting in the food arriving hotter and yet not so close as to be distracting." "In the summer, the nearby air vent provides adequate cooling." "In the winter, it's protected from the outside air." "It's generally in the server's eye-line making signaling efficient." "I could go on, but I think I've made my point." "Have you ever seen a lady naked?" "Sarcasm?" "No, I think she's serious." "So, um Katie... having a tough day?" "Look, you're very sweet, but you can't help me." "You're sure?" "Because I find that when I'm stuck on a problem, sometimes it helps to talk it out." "Alright." "Let's say that you hung in with a guy while he puked his way through 2 weeks of booze and Vicodin withdrawal." "Wouldn't you think that he owes you a breakup explanation that goes a little deeper than "I'm married?"" "She's right." "You can't help her." "You tell him Skippy." " My name is Sheldon." " Go with Skippy." "And I have seen 6 women naked." "Some of them weren't even relatives." "D'you know what the weird part is?" "Is that even though I hate the guy, I still love him." "Alright, well that's something of a paradox." "Paradoxes are a part of nature." "Think about light." "Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave." "As confirmed by the double-slit experiment." "But then along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too." "So how do you resolve it?" "Yeah, you're right." "I probably can't help you." "What are you going to do now?" "I don't know." "I guess I have to find a place to stay." " Well, we have a spare room." " No!" "We don't." "Really?" "What happened to it?" "Give me a minute." " Hey, I cannot impose on you guys." " Thank you." "So right up front we'll just say it's for 3 days." "A week tops." "Mould." "That room has mould." "What?" "There's rats." "There's big giant mould-eating rats." "That would take care of the mould problem and the rats would die." "Damn it!" "I promise you guys won't even know I'm here." "This is not one of those stories that starts with inviting a strange chick in and then has you waking up in the bathtub missing a kidney." "And you have no trepidation about doing this." "You heard her." "It's going to be fine." "She didn't say it was going to be fine." "She said we could keep our kidneys." "Hey, this looks like some serious stuff." "Leonard, did you do this?" "Actually, that's my work." " Wow!" " Yeah, well..." "It's just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory doodling around the edges." "That part there... that's just a joke." "That's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer Approximation." "So, you're like one of those "Beautiful Mind" genius guys." "Yeah." "I have a board." "If you like boards, this is my board." "Holy Smokes." "If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any mensroom at MIT, sure..." "What?" "Come on!" "Who hasn't seen this differential below "Here I sit brokenhearted"?" "At least I don't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out." "I didn't invent them!" "They're there!" "In what universe?" "In all of them!" "That's the point!" "Excuse me." "Fellas?" " What?" " Yeah?" "Shower?" "No." "I'm fine." "Yeah, I meant me." "I need to get out of these clothes and stand under some hot water." "Oh..." "Through there." "Thanks." " Leonard?" " What?" "We've never had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment before." "That's not true." "Remember at Thanksgiving, my grandmother with Alzheimers had that episode." "That's right!" "7!" "I've seen 7!" "Great news!" "Professor Leedman had a full-on face-biting nervous breakdown." "How is that great news?" "We get his grant money." "Now we can finish our proton anti-proton research." " Is he going to be OK?" " I don't think so!" "Leonard, you should have seen it!" "One minute he was pounding away with positrons on a cesium target." "And the next minute he's running around screaming" ""I've found God's fingerprints!" "I've found God's fingerprints!"" "I'm guessing the only research he'll be doing now is which checker set in the dayroom has all the pieces." "Where do you keep your hair products?" "We don't have hair products." "No you don't, do you." "Don't tell me your blowing your sperm money on hookers." "No, no... this is Katie." "She's in a bit of a bind." "I told her she could stay here for a couple of days." "We blew our sperm money on Tandoori chicken." "Okay." "Hi Katie, I'm Gilda." " Hey." " Let's put our cards on the table, shall we?" "Right now Leonard and I are doing research together." "It's casual, professional." "A couple of months from now there'll be a transition." ""Hey, how 'bout a cup of coffee?"" "This of course will be followed by the initiation of sexual congress, social coupling, offspring, etc." "That is unless some female wants to challenge my position." "You mean like by giving him a shot at this?" "Exactly." "Never gonna happen." "Glad we understand each other." "She seems nice." "No." "You're not following me." "I am proposing that our house guest has ulterior motives," "Lambda... which bifurcate into lambda-a - she had them before we met her and lambda-b - she formed them shortly afterwards." "I got that." "But you're just restating this section over here." "If she has ulterior motives, lambda, then she's evil, epsilon." "Exactly, we have modus ponens." "Lambda." "Lambda implies epsilon and her epsilon." "And we haven't even factored in the set of happy little nipples that follow you around the room like the eyes of a Catholic icon." "Alright." "We'll call the nipples gamma." "Hey." "Hey." " What're you trying to figure out?" " You." "Seriously?" "Seriously" "Okay." "Well, I'm going out for a drink." "Anybody want to join me?" " That could be an interesting outing." " No." "No one wants to join you." "We don't?" "Why not?" "Yeah, why not?" "Look you and I have reached a tentative detente." " Deten...?" " Equilibrium." " Equilibrium?" " Stasis!" "You know, I might not have gone to stasis after equilibrium but that's just me." "All I'm saying is that we don't need anyone's judgment clouded by alcohol." " Oh, I can handle alcohol." " Oh really?" "You don't recall Peter Gorem's doctorate party where you proclaimed you're a urine- powered perpetual motion machine?" "Now in his defense, hough that was not a technically perpetual motion, he did get the pinwheel spinning pretty well." " You go ahead." "Have a good time." " Okay." "Now those are not child-bearing hind quarters." "There's enough children in the world." "Science!" "Okay, if that thing vibrates, I'm going to need to borrow it." "What happened?" "I was at a bar and this jerk kept hitting on me so I grabbed his 'nads, give them a half turn, you know "back off"." "The guy dumps his beer all over me." "I had to come back here and change." "I meant how'd you break the lamp, but..." "I forgive you." "Hey, you want to throw on some pants and go back to the bar?" "I bet you're cute with a couple drinks in me." "Okay... just a few hours ago you were completely distraught over the end of your relationship and now you want to party?" "That makes no sense." "That makes perfect sense." "Allow me to explain it to you in your language." "Nerdish." "Ohh!" "Ohhh!" " What?" " Oh, nothing." "Someone else can win the Nobel Prize in Physics." "Please continue." "Now..." "Let's say that Katie is "K"." "And "K" equals sad." "She's sad because, once again she is the hypotenuse" "between a lying boyfriend and his clingy wife." "I know what you're thinking, but the "C" stands for clingy." "What else would it?" "Ohhh." "Now, if you divide this by the fact that "K" is homeless because her stupid mother "B"..." "Bitch?" "Barbara!" "Can't get over the fact that her new husband "H" has gone into "K"" "a number of times." "Ipso facto, I drink 'til I'm platso!" "But, hang on!" "Did you ever stop to think that maybe the problem isn't "B"" "or "C" or "H" but... give me that... there's a shared coefficient here." " What are you talking about?" " You." "You make stupid choices and then you blame everyone else." "You're calling me stupid." " No." "I said you make stupid choices." " Because I'm stupid." "Well..." "The simplest equation is usually the right one." "Alright." "Well if I'm stupid..." "then this... is you." "I'm a spaceship on wheels?" "Morning." "Ghost on rollerskates?" "I'm starting to think it's a penis." "Did Katie come back?" "Yeah, about a half an hour ago." "She took her stuff and left." "And you just let her leave?" "You didn't even try to stop her?" "You don't know that!" "I might have tried and been unsuccessful." "For the record however, no I did not try." "I think she left because of something I said." "Great, jot it down in case she comes back." "No, I need to talk to her." "Is that sarcasm?" "Oh please, let that be sarcasm." "What's the big deal if she comes back?" "What's the big deal?" "It ruins everything." "We have a perfect life." "We go to the lab, we do our research, we eat, we watch Lord of the Rings." "Who has a better life than us?" "Oh, I don't know... snails?" "Don't you ever wonder if we're missing out on things?" "Okay, listen, clearly you're confused." "So let's just put the whole thing up on the board." "I don't want to put it up on the board." "But we always put it up on the board." "Maybe there's some things you can't figure out on a board." "OK, I don't even know who you are anymore." "I'll see you later" "Oh yeah, that's a penis." "This is not my face." "I use Summer Peach." "We're out of Summer Peach." "This is Desert Dawn." "Are you looking at my skin?" "Desert I got." "Peach I need." "Don't screw with me lady." "I'm hung over and I just puked my breakfast burrito into a free-with-purchase totebag." "Think about that." "Hello." "What are you doing here?" "I came to apologize." "Well forget about it." "Look, I'm not very good at talking to people." "And?" "And?" "No that's it." "That's all I got." "OK." "Well, see ya." "Sorry." "The stuff I said last night about you." "I was wrong to say that." "Great." "Thanks for stopping by." "So we're done?" "I'd offer you a totebag full of vomit, but it requires a $25 purchase." "Katie, where will you go?" "I'll figure something out." "I always do." "OK." "They used to chase after me too." "Think about that." "Listen, Leonard, our little run-in last night with Princess Areola got me thinking." "I think it's time we go for coffee." "OK." "Well, before we proceed to that step," "I feel you have the right to know that Sheldon and I have had sex." "Ohhh." "No he doesn't have a right to know that." "Please!" "It was at a Star Trek convention." "We were in costume of course." "He was doing such an effective job of portraying a Vulcan caught up in the Pon Farr mating fever, I couldn't say no." "D'you realize in the last 24 hours you've ruined masturbation, cowboys and Star Trek?" "Remember the thing about where was I going to go and I said I would figure something out?" "Huh?" "I figured it out." "Where else can I live rent-free without having to bang some loser?" "Hey Sheldon." "How's it hanging?" "At the moment, they're making a fear-based journey up the inguinal canal." "What does that mean?" "It means his testicles are in his throat." "What do you think?" " It seems very pleasant." " It's alright." "You'll see." "Kill off some brain cells with alcohol - it makes the other ones work a little harder." "OK." " You want to dance?" " No, not really." "No, I'm fine thank you." "Excuse me!" "The woman proposed this outing as an experiment and we agreed to participate, did we not?" "We did." "Then we owe her the integrity of the scientific process." "Damn it!" "They don't get out much."