"[ sighs ] Okay, that's it." "I get to pick the next 5 movies." "What?" "It was great!" "Yeah, a kid gets sliced in half by a surfboard." "There's a feel-good moment." "It was called Slaughter Beach." "What were you expecting?" "Come on, you gotta admit that killer was pretty freakin' scary, huh?" "[ lowers voice ] Surf's up." "Don't do that!" "Why?" "Does it freak you out when I say [ lowers voice ] surf's up." " Stop it!" " Stop what?" "That voice!" "What voice?" "This is just the way I talk." "Would you like an English muffin?" "Come on!" "I mean it, stop it!" "You know these movies give me nightmares." "Here, take the garbage out." "Fine." "[ telephone rings ]" "Hello?" "[ Doug, lowering voice ]:" "Surf's up." "It's a shame you had to leave the beach so early." "You were with the boy who played guitar." "Well, he don't sing no more." "[ normal voice ] Carrie?" "Hello?" "♪" "All right, toothpaste, razor blades, Kleenex." "Do we need anything else?" "Yeah, I'm getting this." "A ball?" "Yeah, I'm getting a ball." "All right, put it back." "I'm not putting it back." "What do you need a ball for?" "For bouncing." "All right, come on." "Put it back." "Stop it." "then you're not allowed to get... your tampons." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "Bye-bye, "Sure and Natural for Light Days."" "All right, give it to me." "Don't be an idiot." "All right, let me just pick up our pictures and we can go." "[ sighs ]" "So, it's Saturday night." "What are we gonna do?" "You wanna go to a movie?" "Eh, I don't wanna deal with parking." "You wanna rent?" "Then you gotta make the 2 trips... one to rent and one to return." "It never ends." "Hi." "I dropped off some film the other day." "Heffernan?" "Let me take a look." "Yeah, here they are, right here." "I can ring the rest of that stuff up for you here, too." "Oh." "Great." "Thank you." " We don't have to wait in that line up front?" " No." "I mean, you'd ring us up even if we weren't getting pictures?" "Yeah." "That is a hot little secret, my friend." "That everything?" "Oh, I just have to pick up my dad's heart medicine." "I'll be right back." "And I can't get a ball." "All right, what do we got here?" "You barbecuing." "Our fender when we got hit." "Oh!" "This is when you made me take that picture of you in front of that place, Doug's Diner, 'cause it was kind of like it was your diner." "Oh, yeah." "Doug's Diner." "Oh, look, my cousin Becky." "Okay, general rule:" "If I'm not in it, don't need to see it." "[ telephone rings ] [ ring ]" "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Dad." "I don't know, where are you?" "I'm right here." "Welcome to the future, kids." "I am now the proud owner of a cellular telephone." "Oh." "Good for you, Dad." "I was in the mall this evening," "I saw a booth, and I couldn't resist." "This little phone is gonna set me free." "I could have a business meeting from the beach." "Yeah, if you had a business or a way to get to the beach." "Anyway, if you need to reach me, my number: 555-LOGS." " Logs?" " Yes." "It's a phone number and a word." "Marvelous!" "I'm guessing they didn't have 555-NUTBAG." "All right, let's see what's in the second packet here." " Wait a minute." " What?" "I think we got someone else's pictures." "Yeah, it says "Hofferman" here, not "Heffernan."" "We got someone else's pictures?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Great, let me see 'em." "Doug!" "You can't look at somebody else's pictures!" "That's wrong!" "[ imitates baby ]:" "Oh, is it wrong to look at other people's pictures?" "Give!" "All right, well, then slow down." "Slow down." "Nice-looking couple." "Mid-thirties, well-dressed." "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hofferman." "[ both chuckle ]" "Or maybe Dr. and Mrs. Hofferman." "Or maybe Mr. and Dr. Hofferman." "Yeah, like she's a doctor and he's not." "Like that happens ever." "Oh, look." "They ran that 10K in Corona Park." "And here they are scuba-diving." "Man, these people really get out, huh?" "Here they are hiking." "Jeez, this guy is playing guitar on top of a mountain!" "Are you gettin' what I'm gettin'?" "Uh, he no-likey girls so much?" "No!" "These people are amazing!" "I mean, look at their pictures compared to ours!" "That's not a fair comparison." "They're doctors!" "Doug, they run, they -- they hike, they scuba-dive." "I mean, I can't even find one of us here where we're even standing up!" "Come on." "Whatever." "No, I'm serious." "I mean, we suck!" "It is Saturday night, and what have we done?" "We went to a drugstore, and now we're lying around eating pizza, even too lame to rent a movie." "I mean, we should be out there doing stuff!" "If you'll recall," "I wanted to buy a ball and someone wouldn't let me." "Doug, come on!" "I mean, we're letting our lives go by." "We should be scuba-diving." "Uh-boy." "Come on, you said you wanted to learn to scuba." " When?" "!" " When we were dating." "Of course I said it when we were dating!" "I was trying to make you think I went outside!" "♪♪♪" "♪♪♪♪♪♪♪" "♪♪♪" "Hey, man." "Hey." "Carrie's making us go scuba-diving." " You and me?" " No, me and her." "She wants us to be more active." "Can you picture me in a wet suit?" "Ooh, yeah, I just did... and it wasn't zipped up." "Okay, why wasn't it zipped up?" "I don't know." "It just popped into my head unzipped." "I'm no happier about this than you are." "Oh, this is brutal." "I gotta figure out some way to get her off of scuba." "I gotta come up with something that'll make her think we're being active, but in reality is very easy." "You got anything?" "What about tennis?" "[ blows raspberry ]" "Okay, uh...archery." "Already look enough like Cupid." "Don't need the bow and arrow." "[ cell phone rings ] Hold on." "Hello?" "[ Arthur ]:" "Deacon, it's Arthur." "I've recently purchased a cellular telephone, and I wanted to update my contact information so I could be reached at any time, day or night." "My new number is 555-LOGS." "I look forward to hearing from you soon." "Who is this again?" "[ Instructor ]:" "So, just to get the feel of breathing underwater," "I'm gonna ask you to put your regulator in your mouth, let the air out of your B.C., and float gently down to the bottom." "Take a couple of breaths down there, and then just come right back up." "Okay?" "You three first." "He loves the water." "Hon?" "[ gasps ]" "Thank you very much." "Arthur, I hate leaving you here." "Are you sure you don't want to finish our walk?" "Absolutely." "I've got my caramel coffee, my cell phone," "I'm part of the modern world, and I'm loving it!" "Okay, well, I'll see you later." "Have a nice afternoon." "If you need to reach me, I'm at... 555-LOGS." "Yeah, I know." "Would you like to hear my humorous ring again?" "Oh, no, thanks." "Didn't you like it?" "It's the theme from the movie Arthur." "Which is funny 'cause you're Arthur." " That's right." " Yeah, it's just... most people don't have the whole song." "Anyway, I gotta go." "I'll see you Tuesday." "[ hums the theme from Arthur ]" "[ cell phone rings ]" "Hey." "Nothing." "Just sitting in Starbucks." "♪♪♪♪" "[ cell phone rings ]" "Hello?" "Oh, hey." "Yeah, I was just wondering if you wanna get manicures later." "Hi." "Um... do you have anything for when you're scuba-diving and you panic and you drag a kid under the water, and... and he bites you?" "Uh, I'm not sure." "Anything like "Bite Be Gone"" "or "Boy-Bite Be Gone"?" "You could try this." "Oh, great." "Thank you." "So you used a child as your flotation device?" "Classy move." "This is all Carrie's fault, okay?" "And she's not letting go of this, either." "Last night I heard her talking about hang gliding." "Yeah, I'm the guy you want dangling over a little town." "Ugh, this is ridiculous." "I mean, we get one roll of strangers' pictures, and all of a sudden, she wants us to be them." "I'm sure their lives aren't like that all the time." "What do you mean?" "I mean, I'm sure if you saw their next roll of pictures, they'd be watching TV in their underwear just like the rest of us." "You know what?" "You're right." "Where you going?" "I'm gonna see if the Hoffermans have any more pictures here." "You can't steal these people's pictures again." "Hey, we returned the last pack and everything worked out fine." "Now, make yourself useful and... create a distraction." "Fine." "I'll go walk by the watches." "Hi." "Uh... just wanted to check to see if I had any pictures ready." "What's the name?" "Uh, it's, uh... [ clears throat ] Heoffrmnmm." " What was that?" " Hoeoffernmn." "I'm sorry." "One more time?" "Hofferman, okay?" "I'm Mr. Hofferman." "Might be under Dr. Hofferman." " They're right here." " Great, thank you." "[ Deacon ]:" "Hey, you got 'em?" "Yup, let's see what the Hoffermans are up to this week." " Whoa." " What?" "[ high-pitched ] Hoffernipple." "Hey, sweet thang!" "What's going on?" "Well, I'm guessing you're not up for a second try at scuba, so I'm looking into a few hiking trails" "I think you can handle." "Great." "Bring it on." "Really?" "I was expecting you to cry or run at me." "What?" "No!" "You know, I've been thinking about these Hofferman folks, and you're right." "They do know a little something about living life." "Really?" "Well, I am glad you feel that way because I was looking at their pictures again " "What?" "I thought you returned those." "I kept the doubles." "But, look, I didn't see this the first time." "They have a dog!" "Let's get a dog." " Sure, sure, we could get a dog." " Yeah?" "And here's a few other things we can do." "What's that?" "The next set of Hofferman pictures." "Oh, my God, you stole 'em?" "Get 'em out!" "Get 'em out!" "Okay, all right." "This one here, that's my favorite." "[ clears throat ]" "She's making him a waffle." "No, she's making him a waffle in lacy lingerie." "So what are you saying?" "You want me to do this?" "This and... this." "And a little of this... and assuming we can find the right kind of chair, this." "Good God!" "I'm not doing any of those things!" "But Mrs. Hofferman did." "Yeah, well, I'm not a ho." "And I'm not a scuba-diver, but guess what we did last Saturday, sister?" "Yeah." "Get some rest." "[ cell phone rings ]" "Yeah, hi." "I told you to sell those shares." "I don't want to hold onto them." "[ cell phone rings ] [ cell phone rings ]" "You're kidding?" "!" "[ cell phone rings ] Hey, Mom." "[ cell phones ringing ] Yeah, I'm off today." "Actually, the show started." "[ Girl ]:" "Did you download their new song?" "[ laughs ] You're welcome." "No deal." "Can you wait for me?" "Aaaaah!" "All right, you're a dirty batter girl." "Gimme the look!" "Okay, that's angry batter girl." "Okay, could you just take the picture, please?" "Thank you." "Okay." "Now, pick up a piece of bacon." "All right." "Slap it!" "Slap it around!" "Doug, come on!" "There you go." "All right, food's all cooking." "What's next?" "Uh, I'm not really sure." "We can do the sex, then the waffles, or the waffles, then the sex." "What do you think?" "I don't know, honey." "This is kind of your baby." "Okay, then I choose sex, then waffles!" "Gotta admit, thought you were gonna go the other way." "I did." "All right!" " Let's get cracking." " Okay." " Get in here." " All right." "[ beeping ]" "Aah!" "Bacon grease!" "What are you doing?" "!" "I was trying to unplug the waffle iron." "What are you worrying about that now for?" "!" "This is the sex part!" "You worry about that during the waffle part!" "I am sorry." "It's hard to focus with a piercing whistle in my ear." "This..." "This whole thing is ridiculous." "You know, let's just forget it." "Thanks for nothing." "I told you this was a stupid idea." "Yeah, well, Mrs. Hofferman didn't think it was so stupid." "You don't see her freaking out over the waffle iron." "Oh, my God." "You are not getting on me about this, are you?" "Oh, okay, all right." "Who's this?" "[ gasps ]" "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "I'm gonna die!" "I'm in 4 feet of water!" "Well, excuse me for not knowing how to breathe underwater!" "I'm not a walrus." "Shuttie." "Okay, you know what else you don't know how to do?" "Keep a room nice." "I mean, look at this." "Mr. Hofferman doesn't throw his clothes all over the floor." "No gum wrappers on the dresser." "That's maybe 'cause Mrs. Hofferman lets him go to the Knick game with his buddies." "Well, why wouldn't she when he buys her roses like these?" "When was the last time you bought me roses?" "Well, maybe I would if you would... and we're back to the chair thing." "All right, you know what?" "Why don't you just find Mrs. Hofferman and have waffle sex with her?" "Why don't you find Mr. Hofferman and go scuba-diving with him?" "I bet you his guitar sounds even fruitier underwater!" "The fruitiest thing I've ever seen underwater is you, my friend!" "[ sighs ]" "Look, what are we doing here?" "I don't know." "The Hoffermans... they're destroying us." "I know." "Look, we gotta stop trying to be the Hoffermans." "I mean, we're the Heffernans." "It's like the Hoffermans, only slightly worse." "And that's okay." "Exactly." "555-LOGS!" "I don't know, part of me really wants to try out to be on Survivor, but another part of me is like, do I really want to expose myself in that way, you know?" "[ cell phone rings ] Excuse me." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Mrs. Gilgore." "Uh-huh." "Sure, sure." "Yeah, hold on for one second." "Cupcake, it's your mommy." "She's on the phone." "She misses you and wants to say hello." "Oh, for God's sake." "How dare you get a cell phone call!" "You're a dog, Cupcake!" "A dog!" "You wipe that smug look off your face or I'll do it for you." "Arthur, maybe we should just..." "Give me that!" "Do you understand that there are human beings out there who need love?" "!" "Think about it." "I curse the day I ever bought this thing." "Uhh!" "Um, that was mine." "So this is how we spend our Saturday nights." "This is great." "We love each other, and we love the drugstore." "Nothing to be ashamed of." "I'm getting a ball this time." "You can't stop me." "Where are you going?" "Nowhere." "I just want to see if the Hoffermans have any more pictures." "Carrie, let it go." "We don't care, remember?" "I know, I know." "I just..." "I just want to see their dog one last time." "[ Clerk ]:" "May I help you?" "Yes, I was wondering if our pictures are ready?" " The name's Hofferman." " [ gasps ]" "Hi." " Hi." " Hello." "[ whispers ] Would you look at them?" "[ whispers ]:" "Okay, I admit they're magnificent." "But think of it this way, they're here in a drugstore on a Saturday night, too." "They're no better than us." "You're right." "You're right." "Anything else?" "Yeah, the suntan lotion." "Going somewhere good?" "[ Mr. Hofferman ]:" "Actually, yes." "We're leaving tomorrow for the Galapagos Islands to do some research for our book." "Damn it!" "Why did we have to get their pictures in the first place?" "There's gotta be one couple in here that'll make us seem good." "Aha." " The "Sosdorffs."" " Yeah." "Let's see what you got." "Wow, nice sailboat." "Come on, help me." "Oh, man, this couple knows Halle Berry!" "Dump the bin!" "Dump the bin!"