"**" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * how am i ever * to know * you always tell me * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps" "* perhaps * perhaps * perhaps" "tamsin!" "( sighs ) okay." "( tv plays )" "jane?" "yes." "hi. it's me." "yes." "oliver." "yes, i know." "my god!" "what are you doing here?" "shopping." "so, how's the buying going?" "you having a good one?" "oh, i see." "ladies' products." "that's okay." "thank you." "actually, i don't know why i stepped back there." "there's no danger." "no danger?" "exactly." "i don't know why i'm saying any of this." "i'm flippin' out here." "craziness!" "so, what are you doing?" "oh, you know, the same." "shopping." "god, you must be thinking what's oliver gonna be doing with all this toilet roll?" "actually, i leave that to your imagination." "actually, please don't start imagining that." "that would be disgusting." "yeah." "it was on offer, that's all." "i'm not some kind of a crazed toilet roll... supporter." "i mean, it's toilet roll." "if it's there, i'll use it." "and it generally is there when i need it, which is great." "yes." "anyway, i best be going." "things to do." "okay." "gotta go home and get these babies installed." "yeah." "i just called them babies, didn't i?" "you did." "ha ha!" "babies!" "i don't know what that's about!" "you don't install babies!" "no. listen, um... i've really got to-- yeah. yeah, of course." "woman:" "hello, oliver." "hello, mrs. m." "you're looking ravishing today." "do you like my new hair?" "hard to say, mrs. m." "where is it this time?" "ha ha ha ha ha!" "hello, oliver." "mrs. c." "are you admiring sheila's hair?" "not yet, but i'm hoping." "ha ha ha!" "ha ha ha!" "i'll catch you later, mrs. m." "listen, um, sorry about all that baby stuff." "i don't know what i was thinking." "that's okay." "look, um... would you like to get a coffee?" "yeah." "yeah, that's exactly what i'd like." "( phone rings ) hello?" "hi." "sorry, you meant a coffee together, didn't you?" "pretty much, yeah." "well, you got here really quickly." "i'm just round the corner." "it's very close." "right." "so, did you install your toilet rolls?" "yeah. yeah, i did." "good." "so, did you install your" "( giggles ) oh, god." "what is the matter with me?" "!" "i don't know." "why can't i talk?" "what's happened to my brain?" "never mind about your brain." "brains are overrated." "many plants don't have brains." "have you thought about that?" "why can't i talk normally?" "i'm fairly sure i used to have the power of speech." "well, you talked to the ladies in the supermarket." "that's easy." "i don't want to sleep with them." "okay, i'm just gonna put my head down on the table." "you can slip away in your own time." "you can't talk to people if you want to have sex with them?" "please, leave me here to die." "save yourself." "isn't that a bit of a problem?" "do you really think it might be?" "i wasn't sure, so thanks for clearing that up." "i could still talk to you even if i wanted to have sex with you." "ever get the feeling you're spinning away into a great black void of failure and loneliness with one last despairing scream?" "everybody feels like that." "that's normal." "you just get up and have breakfast." ""many" plants?" "what?" "many plants don't have brains?" "exactly." "jane, no plants have brains." "yet they have their own wisdom." "what wisdom?" "the wisdom of plants." "what wisdom is that?" "it's very deep, oliver." "it's very spiritual." "it's so typically..." "planty." "you're making this up." "no, i'm not." "it's a philosophy." "i follow a lot of philosophies." "it's one of the things people really notice about me." "so, you follow the philosophy of plants." "i am a committed vegetarian, yes." "really." "it's a life choice." "so let me get this straight." "you believe in the wisdom and the philosophy of plants." "yes, i do, oliver." "i absolutely do." "so you eat them." "hmm." "let me get this straight." "you're a heterosexual man... yeah." "...but you can't talk to women." "okay." "we kinda got one in each there, didn't we?" "so why do the shop ladies know you?" "well, i've been shopping there for five years." "oh." "what?" "i've been shopping there for seven." "right." "it's funny they noticed you and not me." "yeah." "why?" "i'm very much a noticeable person." "oh, okay." "crazy, wacky jane?" "everyone's got their own story about me." "yeah?" "i try to make sure." "it's just a bunch of old ladies with alarming moles." "i wouldn't worry about it." "i'm not worried about it." "i just feel they're not keeping up." "mrs. m. has got the biggest mole in england." "it should be carried on to the next old lady." "you find yourself giving it equal eye contact time, otherwise you feel rude." "shit!" "what?" "her name's barker." "barker?" "mrs. m." "she should be mrs. b." "i'm calling her mrs. m." "after the mole!" "oh, god!" "really?" "how long have i been doing that?" "that's borderline rude!" "but it's really funny." "every time i'm in there i'm going" ""don't think about the mole."" "i only went and named her after it." "ha ha ha ha!" "( snorts ) i'll tell you something, though." "what?" "if mrs. p is the one with the bladder complaint, i'm switching to tesco's." "anyway, this is me." "your flat?" "yeah." "listen, it's been really-- can i come up?" "( all choking on drinks ) you just said that?" "yep." "did he look surprised?" "he look terrified." "there are rules." "there's a procedure." "we don't just say, "can i come up to your flat?"" "we hint at the possibility that at some point in the distant future we might linger momentarily in the right post code." "a woman with her clothes on has negotiating power." "we have what they want, and we've got to sit on it." "sorry, that was a bit more graphic than i was aiming for." "i just wanted to see his flat." "i don't think he interpreted it as an offer of sex." "jane, things men are capable of interpreting as an offer of sex:" ""hello." "oh, look. it's raining."" ""my boyfriend's just been kidnapped by drug smugglers."" ""get out."" "what, she just--just-- yeah." "so you had sex with her?" "n-no. she-she came up to my flat." "so you had sex with her." "no, she came up to my flat." "patrick really can't hear the difference between those sentences." "the thing is, though, it's been ages since tamsin left." "so?" "my flat." "what about it?" "well, think about it." "all that time i'm living alone in my flat." "it's a bit..." "what?" "unedited." "um... he just um'ed?" "it's getting so a person can't be a slut anymore." "i just wanted to see his flat." "oh, come on." "even you don't believe that." "well... there was maybe a kind of chemistry happening." "we've seen you in a state of chemistry." "all across town dogs start howling." "there's a new scent on the wind, and the pets of london are locked indoors." "you can't always blame that on me!" "okay, she's gone." "she's left you." "stage one:" "you buy a bigger television." "okay." "makes sense." "stage two:" "you point your chair directly at the television, and no one is gonna come to your flat ever again and you're alone in the universe." "stage three:" "this is the bad one." "this is the very bad one." "this is when you know you've given up on human contact." "this is when you know you're not expecting anyone to call round ever again." "right." "here it is." "great." "my flat." "this is the door to it." "pretty much a standard door." "hinges... yeah." "god, hinges." "oliver?" "yes, of course. door." "let's get this door on the road." "one day, one dark, lonely afternoon... you realize you've stopped hiding your porn." "it's just lying around everywhere!" "my living room has lost the battle with nudity." "you spend an evening stoned on my sofa, you think a girl's changing room is leaking through from another dimension." "you should not, in those circumstances, phone the emergency services." "behind the door..." "they're everywhere!" "they're coming!" "over there!" "right, here we are." "my flat." "so there i am, beautiful woman actually inside my flat." "on the downside, fully dressed." "on the upside, not a photograph." "all i can think of is, i need time." "if she just went to the loo, i could clear stuff away." "i just needed somehow to suggest in some subtle way she needed to visit the loo." "would you like to have a pee?" "yes, lovely. thanks." "lemon, if you got it." "lemon?" "i'm sorry. i thought you just offered me a cup of tea." "ha ha ha ha!" "no, no!" "pee!" "oh, god, sorry!" "no!" "no!" "i'm not offering you a drink of-- quite the reverse." "oh." "oh, i see." "i just meant if you'd like to avail yourself toiletwards." "no, thanks." "are you sure?" "well...yeah." "it's no trouble." "i'm fine, really." "right. cool." "well, it's there if you want it." "yes." "waiting." "okay." ""feed me."" "sorry. that was a horrible image." "you know, i really wouldn't mind that cup of tea." "yes!" "yes, of course!" "could you help yourself?" "i've got to check something." "sure." "that's the kettle." "i think i can manage." "as long as you don't set anything on fire." "i'm sort of on the black list." "aaah!" "aaah!" "couldn't find the tea bags." "ah-- are you tidying away your magazines?" "pretty much." "right, can i just ask, for my own information, content of magazine-wise, how much is, um..showing?" "well... there seems to be a woman called nicole... okay who i don't think is really brazilian." "okay." "fine." "good." "this is just so bloody typical of this whole damned room!" "room?" "what i've been trying to do-- i expect you've been wondering-- is make some vague attempt not to seem like a complete pervert." "so i'm wondering, given the contents of this room, is there any chance of me not seeming like the saddest, loneliest serial masturbator in the history of the planet?" "( giggling )" "what is that woman doing?" "she's in a hay loft." "she's naked." "she's naked in a hay loft." "i don't understand." "what do you enjoy about this?" "not so much the hay loft." "more the naked." "but what's the story?" "well, there isn't really a story, as such." "i mean, one minute she's up here, sitting all..." "like that-- well, there really isn't a plot to work out here." "and the next, she's over here bending over." "what's going on?" "it's just general bending." "doesn't she know where the camera is?" "i suspect that she does, in fact." "my god!" "oh, please!" "look at that!" "yes, i know." "i mean, that's just a big picture of--of-- brazil, yes." "where is the rest of this woman?" "!" "it could be anywhere." "a hay loft, a swimming pool, a strangely 70s bedroom-- there's quite a range." "this is what you enjoy?" "this?" "!" "of course it's what i enjoy!" "i mean, look at it!" "it's like being...born!" "you must have loved that." "okay, are we finished now?" "or would you like to search my flat for embarrassing laundry?" "don't get me wrong, oliver, i'm a very sexual person." "in fact, i'm a very bisexual person, so i sort of double up on that." "yeah, yeah." "you're just frightened of naked people." "there's naked, and there's naked." "and you're not bisexual." "i'm sorry?" "i don't buy it." "you don't what?" "and i don't buy the crazy, wacky jane thing." "and i don't buy the you-follow-the- philosophy-of-plants thing." "i think you're terrified you're not interesting enough so you make up any old rubbish just to try and get attention." "do me a favor, look in the mirror." "the way you look-- as if you have to try." "i am so bisexual!" "yeah?" "okay!" "jane, i'm a science fiction fan." "i run a science fiction bookshop." "it's the headquarters of lonely." "i am the boss of sad." "you can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me." "there's naked, and there's naked." "how's this for naked?" "well... well?" "actually, i prefer videos." "what?" "i prefer porn in video form." "it's more realistic." "do you have any of those?" "you'd never be able to handle it." "i'll make some more tea." "you see, tea isn't compatible with porn." "the two aren't linked." "they're never gonna be marketed together." "i mean, how would that work?" ""double pack-- mags and bags."" ""more to the cupful!" "rattle your china!"" ""i'm a little teapot short and stout, here's my handle, here's my--"" "how's this for naked?" "jane-- yes, oliver?" "you're, um... you're... yes, i am, oliver." "totally, in fact." "totally, yes." "right. thought so." "aren't you gonna say anything?" "i...really, really appreciate this." "you're welcome." "hope you didn't go to any trouble." "well... i just took my clothes off." "that doesn't sound too bad." "right, so, uh... what's the plan here?" "plan?" "with the whole..." "nudity element." "nothing." "oh." "now." "oh." "i just wanted to check you were happy with what you saw." "i'm so happy, i could go off." "are you free on tuesday?" "right. fact is, i can't actually remember a single thing about the rest of my life at the moment." "i'm not absolutely sure what tuesday is." "why don't you come over to my place tuesday evening?" "okay." "what's gonna happen?" "well, you're gonna ring on the doorbell, i'm gonna answer the door... right." "...and at about midday the following day..." "yeah?" "...i'll put you down again." "you're a very sweet man, oliver morris." "and, boy... am i ever gonna fix that." "i'm just gonna pop my clothes back on and head off home." "you don't have any decent tea, anyway." "this is tuesday." "i know." "ladies, i'll be leaving you now." "oliver morris is about to discover a whole new octave." "this is tuesday." "i know." "fantastic!" "tonight's the night!" "i know." "it's gonna be great." "it's gonna be full-on." "you think?" "as long as you don't get nervous and make an ass of yourself." "nice one, patrick." "it's been ages since i've had sex." "it's probably changed completely by now!" "no, it's basically the same process." "what if there's a new erogenous zone?" "i can never even find the old ones." "it's not like they're labeled, those lying bastard sex manuals." "like, bother to mention the dotted lines aren't for real!" "take it from her ex." "jane will tell you where the zones are." "constantly, like a running commentary." "go to it, my friend." "good luck in there." "thanks, guys." "i'll be thinking of you." "probably best not, actually." "yeah, you're right." "good tip." "okay." "craziness!" "aw...." "he'll be fine." "how did you know?" "know what?" "about jane." "about the running zone commentary." "you've never slept with her." "of course i have." "but you--you told sally-- on the phone that night, when we had the big unstoppable phone call!" "you swore you'd never slept with jane!" "right. yes, uh... of course." "good point." "but, you see, when you asked me if i'd slept with jane and i said, "yes, i have," what i meant was..." ""no, i haven't."" "you slept with jane?" "!" "no, of course not." "never happened." "and that's my last word on the subject." "patrick, i know you." "you can't keep a lie like this going." "yes, i can." "damnit!" "jesus, patrick, if you've lied to sally-- i have not lied to sally." "okay. when did this happen?" "the lying or the sleeping with jane?" "damnit!" "this was before sally, right?" "ages before." "look, can we stop with the trick questions, please?" "of course, if jane starts being in a couple, then her function as spinster comparison will be out the window." "and frankly, i think we need to keep one of us-- oh, my god." "what?" "oh, my god." "oh, my god!" "what are you doing?" "phoning steve." "steve doesn't need to know about this." "this is never gonna fly." "you have to tell her." "( cell phone rings ) yeah?" "hi, darling, it's me." "i've got big news." "if it's jane and oliver, i've just heard." "bigger than that." "what, jane and patrick?" "you heard about that too?" "jane and patrick?" "!" "jane and patrick?" "susan?" "please, don't tell sally i slept with jane." "because anyway, it didn't happen." "and also it was years ago. okay?" ""okay" is not the word." "sally?" "darling." "hello." "so, you slept with jane and didn't tell me." "i can explain everything." "( mouthing words ) i'm listening." "i was gonna tell you about it, but instead, i lied." "did you video it?" "what?" "you videotaped most of your conquests." "is there a video of jane in your cupboard?" "don't be daft." "only an idiot would keep the tape." "thank you, susan." "well, that will make interesting viewing." "no, no!" "sally, you can't go!" "sorry, this is an emergency." "yes, it is!" "is sally going to my flat?" "bloody hell!" "sorry, steve." "i've gotta go." "blimey!" "it's all happening, isn't it?" "yes, it is." "well, the shit's really hit the fan now." "yes, steve." "as have my waters." "yeah." "what?" "!" "my water's just broke." "the big news is, i've just gone into labor." "oh, my god!" "yes!" "wh-what do i-- i-i-i don't-- me, neither!" "how do you feel?" "like...i'm having a baby." "yeah... me, too." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * broken-hearted" "* so if you really love me * say yes * and please don't tell me * * perhaps * perhaps * perhaps"