"And one of them is my true love." "My forever soul mate." "The Betty for my Barney." "My kismetic destiny." "The problem is... ..I don't know who she is." "I was leaving a "Hi Bob" bash in the girl's dorm." "Can you hit the basement button please?" "My back was to her when that auspicious blackout hit." "I never got a chance to see her." "It must have been the cloak of darkness concealing my usual romantic retardation, because that night I was smart, I was funny, I was invincible." "Did you notice in that movie "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"" "that the Oompa-Loompas never wore hair nets?" "You know what I really hate?" "Those stickers on apples." "By the time you peel it off, you don't want the apple anymore." "I sometimes wish I could just curl up with a girl." "Just hold each other." "Like that picture of John Lennon and Yoko." "That is so sweet." "And that's when it happened." "Our tongue tangoed." "And our hands started displaying their incredible night vision." "Her little breasts were just the right size to fill a champagne glass." "My impressive manhood in my pants expanded like Jiffy-Pop popcorn." "We never knew each other's names." "Maybe it was the mystery of it all that made it so exciting." "In the morning..." "..she was gone." "I had to find her." "I didn't get much support from my roommate, Rod." "What are you getting bent out of shape for?" "It's just a girl." "I should have expected you to say that." "What do you mean?" "You're the kind of guy who has silhouettes of naked women on the mudflaps of trucks." "You play video games while watching a porn movie." "You revel in the size of your dumps." "Matt!" "You' got to check this out." "I do do all those things." "This isn't just another girl." "I connected with her." "Before this, my last intimate encounter with a woman was when I was 5 years old in a sandbox." "I pulled down my pants and had Vickie pour sand on my winkie." "It's better than playing with your shovel." "Èver since then I've had this burning need for a woman." "At 10, I liked getting a boner, so I stuck masking taper on my pecker so that I would stay up all the time." "I did the same thing, but I used duct tape." "Shut up, I'm trying to make a point here." "I've never had this kind of success with a woman before." "At 16 I tried talking to girls, I had to write myself notes on my hand so I had a list of topics of things..." " What's that on your hand?" " Nothing." "My romantic l.Q. must have matched my underwear size because I actually showed the girl my list." "It's a list of things I could talk to you about." "I was the biggest loser of all time." "It wasn't as bad as senior prom when I spent 150 dollars on Èmily and didn't even get a kiss goodnight." "Imagine how I feel now that I've met this girl." "You are pathetic." "You lose your virginity and you don't even get the girl's name." " What the hell is that?" " lt's penile power." "I got it out of an ad in a magazine." "It helps me to increase my length and girth all just by hanging weights from my cock." "Check it out, I'm up to 5 pounds." "It's the stroker not the poker." "I'm doing this for me." "Like I always say: the angle of the dangle equals the cubic of the pubic." "What does that have to do with anything?" "I don't know, I just like to say it." "Check it out." "This penile power thing it's going to increase my libido, help me maintain a full, firm erection and it's going to help me control my ejaculation, so I'm going to be going all night long." "And when do you start junior high?" "I'm serious, it works." "Check this out." "This is Kung Chang, Master of penile power." "Look at it, right here." "He's lifting 500 pounds with his penis." "That's useful." "is he going to enter a tractor pull?" "Whatever, man." "What are you going to do about this girl?" "She left these." "Let me see them." " l don't recognize this one." " Give them back." "What are you going to do?" "Boil them and make soup or something?" "You don't want a girlfriend." "Jesus." "And there's the other thing." "You'd be spending every Friday night for the rest of your life watching movies adapted from the latest Jane Austen book." "You don't want that." "That's pretty cold." "When it comes to men and women, men get a raw deal." "For centuries we've been keeling over 10 or 15 years before our wives, and all because of all the stress we incurred within the workplace." "But no once have they apologized for all the millions of years we've lost working while women stayed home." "I couldn't understand why Rod hated women so much." "Maybe there was some great horror in Rod's past that made him this way." "All you got to do is find the matching bra to those panties." "Not a bad idea..." "You're never going to get into that virgin vault." " They don't let boys in the girl's side." " This will work." " You're high." " On my own testosterone, maybe." "Come with me." "What are you gonna do with that?" "I focused all my great cerebral powers to come up with this bold plan to penetrate the vault." "What are you a Wiley Coyote super-genius or something?" "Something like that." "Wait!" "The Coyote never caught the Road Runner." "Gotcha." "I'm Matt, the work study maintenance man." "I got a call about some rats." "Man in the hall!" "Getting my female suspects to step out of their room was as easy as giving away free haircare products to girls." "I was like a perverted Prince Charming." "But instead of possessing Cinderella's glass slippers, I had her panties." "I miss you." "What do you mean you just want to just be friends?" "Get off." "Just put your stupid stuff away and give me some, it's going to be okay." "Jesus, Crick." "Can't you see I'm busy?" " Put that shit away." " Get off." "It's time to give me some, all right." "You stapled my ass." "Stop it." "He was going to kill me." "I just hoped to get in a few verbal punches before he went Mike Tyson on me." " Who are you?" " l'm Matthew." "And you're Crick, as in up shit's Crick without a paddle." "I've seen you around, you're a natural born hipster." "The next evolution of a jock." "You traded in your letterman jacket for a goatee and a euro-trash ponytail." "You're the worst kind of cool." "The kind of guy who wears male makeup, a real fashion plate." "You're the living proof of those boy-toy dufuses in those men's magazines aren't all rump rangers." "I was a goner, but better me than her." "But was it worse?" "Crick was hopped up on nicotine gum." "A chain chewer." "He chewed his gum with his mouth open." "I hated that noise, it was my kryptonite." " What the hell are you doing here?" " l'm here to save her." "How are you going to do that?" "Crick wasn't wearing his shirt, his nipples on his chiseled pecks stood out like knobs on an old TV." "I don't know what possessed me?" "Probably his incessant gum chewing." "But my hands reached out like they were drawing twin 6 guns." "I grab his nipples into a double titty twister." "But somehow, through his blur of pain, Crick fought back." "He grabbed my nipples and twisted." "It was tit or tat." "So we faced each other, locked in nipple combat." "Èach trying to endure the wretched pain the longest." "Èach of us waiting for the other to blink." "Then I cracked." "I'll be back for your ass!" "And I'll deal with you later." "Here's some Midol." "It does the trick when my nipples get sore during my period." "Thanks." "Let me see." "They're all bruised." "Like you have 2 black eyes." "We should put something cold on them." " You're bruised too." " Don't worry about me, I'm used to it." "You're Patty, you do that comic in the school newspaper." "That's me." " An art school girl." " ls that what you call me?" "I wasn't calling you anything." "In high school you'd have called me a slut." "Now, in college, you call me a good time." "You like my skirt, but you're thinking, if her skirt were any shorter, she'd have another pair of cheeks to powder and have to put gloss on another pair of lips." "I wasn't thinking any of those things, I think you're a nice girl." "I was lying. I did think all those things." "She may not be perfect, but she oozed sex more than a sponge contraceptive." "She had a skanky cuteness that set off my hair trigger erectile response." "She got my pecker to strain like a dog on a leash." "What?" " What's wrong?" " Nothing, I'm sorry." " l'm just trying to make it all better." " No, I'm all better." "You don't like me." "I like you just fine." "You're worried about what people say about me." " l've never heard anything." " Sure you have." "They say: "lf she still has a cherry, it must be pushed back so far she can use it as a tail light"." " l've never heard that." " Yes, you have." "My reputation precedes me." "It's okay." "You know, I'm all for experimentation." "What are these?" "Are these stress balls?" "To relieve tension?" "Like Humphrey Bogart did in that old movie, what was it called?" ""There's 3 ways to do things aboard my vessel:" "the right way, the wrong way and my way." "If you do things my way, we'll get along fine"." "Those are my BenWa balls." "What?" "I put them inside of me, I rock my legs and I get off." "Really." "I'm sorry, I have to be going." " What's the matter with you?" " Penile power." "Seems to be causing a little growing pains." "You know what I mean." "What's plan B, Mr. Wile È." "Coyote?" "I keep on searching for my mystery girl." "Èveryday, between going to classes and doing homework, I've created a maintenance problem in the "Virgin Vault", they have to let me in." "Man in the hall!" "Once inside, I just figure a way to get into the girl's rooms." "This is Phil Gambone calling from KROK radio." "You won the morning prize, a new car." "You should have been there the day I turned the air conditioner off." "It was a feast for the eyes." "And there was Cynthia." "Dessert." "The creme brulee of womanhood." "She loomed as a titan in my masturbatory dreams." "Cynthia is the perfect example of the power women hold over men." "We are paralyzed by their beauty, we are rendered speechless by it." "If we're lucky to say anything to them, it all sounds like gibberish." "You're the maintenance guy, right?" "I need some help in my room." "How can a guy have a real conversation with a girl like this when we're made so helpless." "In the animal kingdom, when two of a pack stare at each other, it is a test of dominance." "The first one to look away is considered the weaker." "When this happens between a man and a woman the cards are against a man." "Because let's face it, every time a guy meets a girl he wants to check out her breasts." "A man must summon all his will not to look down at those golden orbs whose wondrous tips are upturned, aimed at his eyes." "Once a man loses this test of nerves, a woman knows she has a great secret power over him and she can get him to do anything." "Like a sexual sorceress, she had several men under her spell." "You can use my PC anytime you want, all semester." "I have an extra pizza, I thought you might want it." "When you're done, I need some help moving some furniture." "Thanks for getting us Masterpiece Theater." " Strange all it was getting was ÈSPN." " lt's weird." "Anybody for a game of foosball?" "Come on." "What about you, maintenance boy?" "Come on, you want to play, just one game." "I'm talking one game here." "It's a bad sign when you meet a girl with no makeup." "Unfortunately, I didn't heed the warnings." "Arlene suckered me into a game of "strip foosball"." "The loser of each goal will remove one article of clothing." "Prepare to get naked." "Beat Matt!" "I don't know why you girls get such a fiendish delight in defeating men." "We've been emasculated our whole lives." "You're trying to distract me." "No, I'm serious." "My mom taught me who was boss when I was 5." "She started spanking me with a wooden spoon." "We've been forced into submissive roles all our lives." "We might as well be wearing those little French maid outfits." "Your dumb stories will not throw me off my game." "I'm trying to make a point here." "I have never felt more manly than the day my mother broke her spoon over my granite hard buttocks." "The tyranny of the spoon was over and my ass cheeks were liberated." "Until today. I'm kicking your hole." "My greatest fear was being realized." "What if one of these girls was my elevator Aphrodite?" "What if she saw me getting beat by a girl?" "It's go time." "Score!" "Now I want to see my trophy." "Thank God I turned the thermostat up, otherwise my manhood would have recoiled like a turtle hiding in its shell instead of hanging out like an anaconda waiting for a rematch." "You lost to a girl?" "My pride shrank like my scrotum on a snow day." "Speaking of scrotum, I think I can, you know, add another weight." "I'm up to 10 pounds!" "I wonder why God equipped women with all the weapons for seduction." "What do you mean?" "Take the breasts, for example." "You have the bosom, the areola, the nipple." "Those are three concentric circles." "In other words it's a bulls eye." "It's no wonder the breast is the target for all men." " That's profound." " And men are grotesque." "I'm not talking about the little habits we have like cleaning our ears with our car keys." "We're grotesque to the core." "Look at the penis." "It's like God took the extra skin from the elbow and slapped it in our groin." "Get that out of here, that freaks me out." "The penis is the first to shrivel when it's cold." "It's the first to shrink in fear." "The penis is a coward." "It's a cowardly flap of leftover elbow flesh." "You wouldn't think that way if you had a little of my penile power." "I screwed up the air conditioning in the "Virgin Vault" again today." "This time, it's too hot." "The girls have to strip down next to nothing." "I should be getting a call any time now to fix it." "Do you have any suspects yet?" "No, too many choices." "Their dorm is a Whitman Sampler of women." "A virtual pot-pourri of pussy." "It's more than just sex." "Those women have distinct personalities." "Look over there." "You see that girl?" "I call her Èver-Tan Barbara." "Whose the one with the marker up there?" "That's Rene." "She writes cheat notes on her breasts." "You see next door?" "That's Sasha." "She's totally into purple." "And the girl at the front desk, Rhonda?" "She could be cute but she has a nervous habit of picking her eyebrows." "Nice from afar, but far from nice." "And you are right, there are girls that watch Jane Austen movies every Friday." "In the literary world they are called "Janeites"." "Let's watch it tonight, I'll make the popcorn." "Have you seen this girl Penny?" "She's always on the phone crying with her boyfriend who always wants to break up." "She's on the same floor as Maureen." " She has a different hair style every day." " l've seen her around." "Who's that girl with the green slime?" "You found Dana." "She's on an all algae diet." " Who's the hummer on three?" " That's Michelle." "Sounds like a kind of Buddhist monk." "So you got any more suspicious suspects yet?" "One girl who never comes out of her room." "I staked out her room. I listened." "I just heard a little bit of rustling." "I'll bet you that's your mystery woman." " Hurry up, the movie's at 7:30." " l can't lock the door." "Forget it, we're missing the trailer for Northanger Abbey." "Saturday nights were best for sneaking into girls' rooms." "All the girls went out on dates or home for the weekend and the dorm was empty." "Èxcept for Dora." "She never had anywhere to go on Saturday." "I did have to admit that I had seen cuter girls in National Geographic." "She's the kind of girl about whom Rod would say:" "I wouldn't even screw her with your dick." "But I felt for her." "When you're not good looking you become a failure by default." "People treat you like you have the Èbola virus." "They don't want to get near you because they think you might be contagious." "It's cruel." "This woman's studies class is going to be a breeze." "We get to check out all the pretty girls." "I think we made a really big mistake." "Today we're going to study patriarchal infrastructures that exercise gender-based discrimination." "Who can give examples?" "The Pope won't allow women priests." "How come it's okay for a man to be promiscuous, but when a woman does it, she's a slut?" "Why is it called "history" instead of "herstory"?" "Why are our shoes uncomfortable?" "It's okay for an older man to go out with a younger, but it's not okay for an older woman to go out with a younger man." "Very good." "Would the boys in the back..." "Would you care to contribute?" "You enrolled in my class to meet girls." "There's a couple of you every semester." "None of you ever last." "I need to maintain at least a 3.75 GPA to keep my scholarship." "Now lisa, she-wolf of the S.S., is going to make me lose it." "I will enjoy teaching you boys a lesson." "One Saturday, I got careless." "Disaster struck moments after I had to drain my main vein." "Women have a sixth sense." "They know when something is amiss." "They see things that go undetected to a man's eye." "From just the slightest detail she knew that a male presence had been in the room." "I was such a fool." "I left the most damning piece of evidence." "But this girl was a forensic pro." "She could have been trained by my mother." "My eyes!" "It's me, Wendy, from 1 1th grade Trig." "Remember, we all sat in the back because Mr. Perialas had bad breath?" "Seriously, I'm looking for this girl." "If you don't believe me, you can check my right pocket, I've her panties in there." "So you're going to check every girl in the building?" "If I can ever see again." "This is so romantic." "You know what?" "I'll help you." "I'm a sucker for matchmaking." "I wanted to let you know we're going to be doing the lights today." "I wanted to let you know that I think your hair looks really cute." "With the help of my faithful companion Wendy, I found a match." "I waited patiently for my mystery maiden to return." "It was hours." "Finally my romantic quest was rewarded." "She was a goddess." "More than I could ever have hoped for." "I was corrupt with happiness." "I immediately declared the entire jumbalya of feelings I had had for her." "I think even the word "love" was used." "I love you." "She kept me frozen in suspense as I waited for a response." "Needless to say, my spirit crashed, like some karmic Hindenberg." "Stop sulking." "Don't you get it?" "Women are nothing but trouble." " Here we go again." " Listen." "Women complain that men want their girls to look like centerfold hotties and it makes them angry that they have to live up to this impossible expectation." "But what about us guys." "We have to live with the disappointment that they are not centerfold hotties." "Did they ever take that into consideration?" "We've been conditioned to expect something that we're never, ever going to get." "What's worse, is that men age better than women." "While we get better looking over time, we're stuck with women with saggy tits and who wear bathing suits that cover their belly buttons." "Then they got those short, asexual haircuts." "And thunder thighs!" "Making love to a woman turns a man into a cellulite surfer." "Who gets the better deal?" "I wonder what prom night succubus or second date siren had instilled in him such zealous misogyny." "Can you believe it?" "I've gained half an inch since I started." "Where do you start your measurement when you measure your dick?" "Alright, I admit it, I have measured my dick." "We all have." "But the evolved man that I was, I didn't want to give him an answer." "In your case, from the neck up." "Screw you." "What are you reading?" "I was checking to make sure the paper printed my ad." "I have no clue anymore how to find my blackout knockout." "So every week I've been taking out an ad in the school newspaper telling my mystery girl that I'll be waiting every Thursday night in the basement of the Virgin Vault." "So in complete darkness, we can renew our relationship until both of us decide to reveal our identities." "You sit in the dark every Thursday night?" "You're a sicko, man, you're a freak." " That's it. I'm out of here." " Alright." "Take it easy and if she's easy, take her twice." "My whole operation was a romantic Bay of Pigs." "I had spent several Thursday nights in the dark and she had yet to show up." "Hello?" "It's me, Wendy." "She didn't come, did she." "No." "How did you know I was down here?" "I read your personal ad." "It's after midnight, she's probably not going to show." "But I thought you might want some dinner." "You know, comfort food?" "Wendy was the uber-good girl next door." "A testament why women are society's cheerleaders." "Èverything she did was perfect." "She was arousing in that virginal Mary Ann-not-Ginger sort of way." "This kind of girl is scary." "She's the girl you take home to Mom..." "And scarier, is the kind of girl you marry and she becomes your Mom." "She dresses you, feeds you, leaves notes telling you what chores need to be done." "She's scary, 'cause you might fall for her." "At the same time, you feel that if you fall for her, you're settling for just the average." "What?" "You're so perfect." "I hate it when people say that." "I don't want to be perfect." "So my Dad had polio when he was a kid and he had this really bad leg." "And whenever he walked, it made this creepy "thump, thumping" noise and just super creepy." "I remember him coming home from work and walking down the long hallway to kiss me goodnight." "I was scared because all I could hear was the thumping." "So I hid under my covers." "Isn't that sad to be so afraid by your father." "I was really scared of the Wizard of Oz." "That Margaret Hamilton was just so hair-raising." "And that music, that scared me so much." "I'd get so scared I couldn't sleep at night because it would get stuck in my head." "Do you know what I'd do to calm myself?" "I'd remember that Dorothy killed the witch by putting water on her." "So I'd lie in bed and work up this big wad of spit." "Like..." "And I knew if the witch came to get me, I'd just spit on her and she'd melt." "I told you a really sad story about my family and that's all you can say?" "I'm sorry, I'm tragically glib." "Men have this anti-intimacy force field around them that is powered by sarcasm, humor and aversion." "Why is that?" "The force is strong with this one." "Maybe is because a man can fall in love with a different girl every day." "Maybe this is just nature's way of protecting a man from himself." "How do you feel about the name "Francesca"?" "Did you know that Muslim men shave their pubic hairs?" "No wonder so many of them become terrorists." "I can't breathe!" "I can't see!" "Fascinating." "Can you blame guys for being so horny?" "Look at the dress, it's just one big symbol for easy access." "Have you ever calculated how many hours women have wasted deciding what shoes to wear?" "Foxy lady!" "Trust me, these girls will get drunk, they do it every Thursday night." "They talk about everything once they're plastered." "So as Francesca, try and coax one of them to reveal that she had sex on an elevator in a blackout." "Did I ever tell you about the time I got a bloody nose while giving head?" "Once I got my gum stuck in the guy's pubes while giving a blow job." "I've got you all beat." "Once when I was just about to swallow," "Derek made me laugh and it came all out my nose." "Girls are way grosser than guys." "I had a friend who had sex in an elevator once." "Have any of you ever tried that?" "I once had a boyfriend who liked to rub it between my toes, then he blamed me when he got athlete's foot on his doink!" "Francesca's night was a major bust." "I stunk." "Maybe you need to try something different." "Instead of hoping for hard evidence in your romantic suspects, maybe you should just get to know these girls." "You might get a vibe as to which one she is." "You're right, I do need to do something I've been avoiding." "I need to lower my anti-intimacy shield." "If you had the choice would you rather be warm or smart?" "Hello?" "So why is bird doo purple?" "Isn't American cheese appropriately named?" "It's fake and processed, just like America." "Tell me something." "Who's the idiot who invented the button-down fly?" "There are these dogs who can sniff out melanoma in humans before it's diagnosed." "Have you ever noticed that they only give hurricanes WASPy names, like Hurricane Andrew?" "You never heard of Hurricane Giuseppe or Hurricane Mohammed, do you?" "What compels older people to pull their pants up over their belly buttons?" "Why in golf is it good to shoot under par, but a sub-par performance in anything else is bad?" "You know what the best phrase in the world is?" ""l'm ready for anything"." "Okay." "I can't speak to Cynthia as a man." "I start jibberish, like..." "But I have a silver tongue when I'm Francesca." "Don't knock them, these things are supposed to get rid of cellulite." "Can I ask you a question?" "How often do you bikini wax?" "Èvery day." "And I thought I was a fanatic." "That's Sam." "He cannot see me with these pants and no makeup, let's go." "Cynthia!" "I've got your term paper!" "I even got one of those plastic covers so you don't have to." "Hold on a sec, I'll come to you." "Cynthia, I'm coming!" "So what was the big deal?" "I'm not stupid, I know I've got things easy." "Guys will pretty much do anything for me because of the way I look." "I know that." "And if Sam saw me in this, I might lose my edge with him." "Kind of like if the Green Lantern lost his power ring." "Who?" " Never mind, you're lucky." " No, I'm not." "It would be great if guys wanted to do things for me." "It's a curse." "See, nothing's a challenge for me." "Èverything's made easy." "If I ever actually do something on my own, everyone assumes that I got there because of the way I look." "It sucks." " Ready to go again?" " Okay." "It's just easier to talk to Cynthia as a girl than as a guy." " There's just nothing at stake." " How do you mean?" "When you are a guy talking to a girl like her, you're going for all the marbles." "She's the Super Bowl of women." "And you know if you screw up and she rejects you, every girl after Cynthia is going to seem a compromise." "And you just know you aren't good enough to get a girl like her." "That's why I don't talk to girls in her league." "I don't want to know that I've crashed and burned, that I won't get the opportunity to put her Super Bowl ring around my 1 1th finger." " What are you reading?" " Nothing." " lt's got to be something." " Why are you talking to me?" "I don't know, it's just quiet around here." "I'm Matthew, what's your name?" "Ghost Face." "What?" " They called me so in High School." " l'm sorry." "That's okay, I kind of like it." "It's better than being called the "Poster Child for Abortion"" "or the "Girl with the Vertical Smile"." "I was just trying to be friendly." "Maybe she could tell I still thought she was contagious." "Men want to be quarantined from unattractive girls." "For us physical beauty is so important, that we're afraid to be infected by one of these girls' inner beauty." "Let's not have a pity party." "Now please, you're blocking my light." "Thanks for getting us the Lifetime channel." "Just don't tell I pirated it, it's a felony." "Anybody up for a game of foosball?" "How about you, Matt?" "Or are you a chicken?" "Our grudge match escalated into a Cold War of words." "Girls are just users." "Look at the Praying Mantis, for instance." "After they've finished doing the nasty, the female eats the head of her male mate." "Good remark from someone who thinks a car is an extension of his penis..." "And a person is an extension of a woman's vagina." "Score!" "At least we aren't filthy pigs like men." "We're always picking up after you." "Why are you so worked up?" "Are you PMSing and quitting smoking at the same time?" "That's right, a woman can never get mad unless she's having her period." " You're so close-minded." " But about all the right things." "Two-zip." "Time to strip." "America is so one-sided." "Wedding gifts are an illustration of that." "What do all newlyweds get?" "That's just girl crap." "Small trade off for cooking for a lazy man!" "Lazy?" "Then answer me this:" "when you're walking with a girl, why does the guy have to slow down for her instead of the girl speeding up for him?" "Who said going slow is better?" "It's not." "Going faster is better and more exercise." "How about that?" "At least we don't start wars." "Maybe if we got laid a little more often we wouldn't be so feisty." "You'd do it more often if you knew what you were doing in bed." "You've got it easy, you touch a guy anywhere and it fells good." "But with a woman it's like finding a needle in a haystack." "You girls think it's so gross to go down on a guy and when you do it's a really big deal, but guys are willing to go diving for oysters anytime, anywhere." "We're more willing to give pleasure." "We're less selfish." "At this remark, I thought Arlene would spontaneously combust." "You're so sexist!" "You know what?" "I am." "So are you." "I'm not." "You sound like Louis Farakkan saying only the white man can be racist." "But you know what?" "We all have prejudices." "Black, white, male, female." "You cheated!" "How could you do that?" "I wasn't even looking!" "This was bad, it wasn't my glorious Ladies of Wrestling fantasy." "Admit it!" "We didn't lay down any rules!" "That was the problem." "There were no rules between men and women." "And this lack of rules made girls and especially us guys, like these foosball players." "We had giant steel stakes in our hearts and were spinning out of control." "I was just as bad as Rod." "But I finally had something to say during my women's studies class." "There's no clearly defined rules between men and women, so each side thinks they're playing fair and each side thinks they're being cheated." "Maybe this is why men and women have the innate ability to bring out the poison in one another." "Rubbish!" "We all know there are rules!" "Rules that are enforced and imposed by the contemporary repressive patriarchy of Western civilization!" "Saturday, after mid-terms, seemed like an ordinary Saturday night." "I checked on the girl who never came out of her room." "Then I noticed that Dora wasn't in her usual spot." "Have you girls seen Dora?" "Have you seen Dora?" "She's up there." " Why aren't you doing anything?" " She does this ever semester." "I made a vow that I would break the VCR so those girls couldn't watch anymore Jane Austen movies." "Let's play twist." "Don't do it." "The first time I did this, nobody noticed." " Now nobody cares." " l care." "Why are you doing this?" "Because I was born with the greatest curse of all." " What's that." " l'm ugly." "And also smart." "You're not ugly." "I know what's in store for me." "No one will ever have passion for me." "People all around me will be falling in love and making love and getting married and having kids." "The closest thing I'll ever have to that is someone inviting me to their Christmas dinner because they feel guilty I might be spending the holiday alone." "Or if I'm lucky, my male counterpart, an obese man or a guy with a harelip, will invite me to a coffee and we'll pretend to love each other and tie the knot because we're so desperately afraid of growing old alone." "I had a bad feeling this girl might jump this time." "I felt terrible that I had treated her like she had the Èbola virus." "There was something inside this girl I wanted to expose myself to." "She was so self-aware, so sensitive." "Maybe she noticed the change in me." "Let's go back inside." "Only if you admit that I'm right." "You're probably right." "You didn't have to worry." "I just like to come up here sometimes to see what it might be like." "I found out what Dora was reading all Saturday nights." "D.H. Lawrence." "Colette and Henry Miller." "Dear Sylvester, yes, he knows how to build a fire." "But I know how to inflame your cunt." "I shoot hot bolts into you, Tania." "I make your ovaries incandescent." "Can you imagine someone being that passionate for you?" "No." "Your turn." "Your Sylvester is a little jealous now." "He feels something, doesn't he." "He feels the remnants of my big prick." "I have set the shores a little wider, I have ironed the wrinkles." "After me, you can take on stallions, bulls, rams, drakes, St. Bernards." " Being Francesca has its disadvantages." " What happened?" "Last night my roommate Rod came to find me." "He didn't recognize me as Francesca." "Jesus Christ." "So he starts looking up my dress." "I know exactly what he's doing 'cause I do it every opportunity I get, too." "Whenever men look at a girl, they imagine her naked." "That's what he's doing to me right there." "I felt violated." "I know the feeling." "No wonder women have to be gatekeepers of sex." "The way men are, women can start the co-mingling of male and female bodily fluids whenever they want." "Guys are simply always willing to volunteer for sex." "Their attitude toward it is like putting jam into a jelly doughnut." "I tested the concept with Rod." "So what do you want to do about it?" "What are you talking about?" "You just said "l love you"." "You got me wrong." "I said "Olive soup"." "What?" "Olive soup." "So he was all ready to do it with you?" "Men are totally irresponsible when it comes to genital gymnastics." "I have this theory that has to do with shopping." "Sure, women have more practice at it." "They can go into a store and circle something, but they won't buy it." "They're learning to self-restraint." "Men, we only go shopping when we know exactly what we're going to get." "Men and women treat sex the exact same way." " There's some validity to your theory." " lt's not only sex." "Women are more responsible about everything!" "The fact of the matter is that women really rule the world." "Thank you." "The irony is that women are not put in recognizable positions to do so." "They carry out their work like the French underground." "Men are just afraid of putting women into the workplace, because they understand that eventually women will rise to the top." "I think you're right." "I got a double cookie for you right here." "Thank you." "Care to come in and share a bowl of Captain Crunch?" "Patty had a way of even making the word "Captain Crunch" sound sexy." "No, I have work to do." "Don't be afraid, I know you like some other girl than me." "Here, have some." "It's the original." "There's some syrup to put on it." "That's how I like it." "How did you know?" "By the way that you look at me." "And how is that?" "There's a certain way a man stares at the woman he loves." "The man looks like a boy on his birthday." "And he treats the woman as if she were a gift that he's waited so long to open and now he can't wait to see what the treasure is inside." "You don't give me that look." "You know how Captain Hook could always hear his nemesis the crocodile from the tick tock of his clock in the crock's belly?" "That's the way it was for me with Crick and his nicotine gum chewing." "I knew I'd find you two together." "He was all hopped up on nicotine gum." "I had to take Patty out of there." "The best way to do that was to focus his testosterone-enhanced wrath on me." "You know something?" "I was wondering, do the bad guys of the world really know they're being bad or do they think they're being good guys when they're acting like sphincters." "You tell me, smart guy." " You really think you're a good guy?" " l know I am." "You're the one who tries to steal my chick." "I'm the cool one." "That's another thing that just bothers me." "I was reading that one in 6 people think they're cool." "What is that, like a billion people?" "That just can't possibly be right." "And if everybody's cool, then really nobody is cool." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Look at you." "The modern-day media, the magazines, the TV, they show us what coolness is, so that you ponytailed pretenders can go out there and buy coolness, thus fooling the weak-minded and unsuspecting." "I've had enough of you." "We'd never win this fight, I only had one desperate chance." "I think we ditched him." " What was that?" " My BenWa balls." "You had them in there when you were eating your cereal?" "It's incredible." "There you are!" "I was dead, but then fate intervened." "After Crick hobbled away in pain, we were still drunk with laughter." "I guess that's what made me do it." "Patty came again on to me and I succumbed." "I tried to rationalize it, maybe I could learn from her." "Maybe this is why God made women like this, so that sexually impaired idiots like me would have something to practice on." "At this moment, she wasn't a slut, she was a luscious voice of experience." "Sweet leaping Jesus!" "I also figured that nobody on their deathbed looks back and says:" ""l wish I'd made love less"." "We didn't make love the way they do it in the movies, where the guy just slides between her legs like a hot knife through butter." "This was like real life." " Not that hole." " l can't get it in." "Are you sure there's not another ball?" "No, here, let me help you." "We didn't make cinema love." "We made the kind of love where you just laugh together and your bodies make that farting noise when air get trapped between you." "Patty taught me things." "You don't have to kiss me the whole time." "Seems like you're kissing me just to avoid looking at me." "Look into my eyes, concentrate on me." "Concentrate on us." "I'd only done it twice and now I could articulate why men love sex so much." "Because while you're doing it, you feel like you're as good, if not better, than every other man." "If you only have that velvet axle grease makes you know that you're on the correct path." "And everything is right in the world." "Our transcendent fusion was not the romantic type. lt was just fun." "That verified my experience with her was not serious and nothing cosmic." "I used her." "I feel terrible." "Don't worry about it." "Did I tell you I'm up to 15 pounds over here." "I treated her like she was my sexual training wheels." "Something I'd use to learn to ride bike, but I'll discard when I no longer need 'em." "What if the girl from the elevator finds out?" "She's gonna think I'm a total dick." "It's your manifest destiny to nail her." "In every species, it's the male's overriding function to perpetuate his line." "Why should it be different for you?" "You should embrace your destiny, not deny it." "How are you gonna get by with this attitude towards women?" "I'm gonna get rich." "Get me one of those little wife whores." "Give her a car, a bunch of credit cards, lots of cash, stuff like that." "And in return she'll take care of the kids and give me sex on demand." "What is your problem?" " What happened to you?" " There's no problem." "Something had happened, I knew it." "There was definitely a horror in his past." "And it was definitely an encounter with a monster that Rod called women." " What's your horror story?" " There's no story." "You're the one that's got the problem with women, not me." "Maybe if you tried this thing, you wouldn't be so nervous around them all the time." "Not only has my length and girth increased, but so has my virility." "Just the other day I boned this girl all night long." "What girl?" "Francesca." "Right." "She's doable." " ln your dreams!" " She's did-able." "We had sex all night long." "She may be ugly as sin, but I ain't complaining." "I'm happy." "God, I hate guys." "More than half the semester had passed and my debutante of the dark, my doll of destiny, hadn't shown herself." "I had almost lost all hope when something happened." "You're here!" "My God!" "You know my name, this is wonderful." " Stop trying to find me." " What?" "I don't want you to find me." "Can we talk about this for a second please?" "There's nothing to talk about." "I don't like you." "Wait, can you... I chased her like Popeye Doyle chasing the train in "The French Connection"." "Got you!" "I lost her." " Do you want to talk about it?" " No, I'm okay." "My anti-intimacy force field was on auto-pilot." "Come on, might make you feel better." "I was feeling so bad, I decided to put the anti-intimacy on manual." "I lowered it." "Tell me about it." "I figured she had a boyfriend, or was drunk that night and she didn't remember." "Or I deluded myself into thinking that I was some pre-med or pre-law Adonis." "That I wouldn't care when I found her." "I never thought it was because she didn't like me." "Maybe there's another reason." "I don't think so, I should have figured it had something to do with me." "Testosterone must really fuel the ego because I've stored up plenty of both." "I'm just a big steaming pile of loser." "What do you think I am?" "It's midnight and I'm cleaning my room." " ls your mom coming to visit tomorrow?" " You guessed it." "How do you get along with your folks?" "In 9th grade I wanted to read these James Bond novels." "My Mom wouldn't let me read them unless my father cut out the sex scenes." "Things like that, don't happen in real life and they certainly wouldn't happen to me." "The next year I had to get glasses." "I begged her to let me get contact lenses." "I said, "lf l get glasses, I couldn't be handsome like James Bond"." "She never let me feel like I could be sexy." "I still feel that way." "Parents try to turn us into something we don't want to be." "I wish I could be more than my parents' perfect little girl." " That looks like fun." " No, wait." "Only I'm allowed to." " Now we're even." " Really?" "Hi, mom." "This is Matt." "Finals were nearing and so was the end of the school year, I was running out of time." "Look at what it did to my "Pride and Prejudice" tape." "This is a catastrophe." "I had one last chance, one last strategy." "If I improved myself more than keeping my fingernails trim for going into 3rd base." "Maybe my cosmic destiny might change her opinion of me." "She was out there watching me." "I decided the first step in taking a scouring pad to my soul was to make peace in the gender war." "Another point pussies." " Forget it, I'm out of here." " Just one more game." "I'll play." "I was amazed how well Arlene and I complimented each other." "Arlene had a soft touch knowing just where to set me up." "Letting my power game do its magic." "She was an excellent cheerleader." "She never got pissed if I blew a point." "You're doing good." "You'll get it next time." "My balls had energy which drove her to new performance heights." "C'mon Arlene, smoke them." "It's like masculine and feminine sides brought out the best in each other." "We worked together." "Like Yin and Yang." "Potato chips and soda." "Like men and women." "Because they had the same styles, they often collided." "They were missing something." "They had the power, but no strategy." "There was too much ego on their side." "They spent more time fighting each other than battling us." "That's game guys." " Now drop them." " You cheated." "Let's see those trophies boys." "It's just because it's cold in here." "It's freezing." "I know sometimes guys like me can be pigs." "Forget it." "I get a little sensitive sometimes." "It comes from growing up with 6 brothers." "Listen, I want to tell you something." "It's hard for me sometimes to figure out how to be a man." " What do you mean?" " l can blame my father for that." "My male role model." "My Dad loves ice cream so much." "He'd do anything to get it." "More than once I'd watch him running out in his underwear after the ice cream truck." "How was that supposed to teach me to be a man." "Back in the days, boys would go out with their fathers in the fields and work or they'd take a weekend and go hunting." "At their father's sides, boys learned to be men." "But what's coming up with the computer age, boys are at home and their fathers at work." "There's no more apprenticeships left." "So where does that leave us?" "It leaves me looking at my father in his underwear eating an ice cream." " Some role model." " Right." "If I'm not able to grasp what it is to be a man how can I understand women?" "I wouldn't say that, you understand women better than most men." "Thank you." "I love women." "I love those emerald pools masquerading as eyes." "Lips. I love smiles." "And yawns." "The eating." "With skin so soft, women are head to toe cashmere." "A woman's skin inspires a man's fingers to have Magellan's love of exploration." "It's women's bellies that drive me wild." "It's more than just the fact that it's the only part of a woman's body you can easily see naked." "The belly hints at the pleasure beyond." "You're so near and yet so far." "Èverything about a woman draws you to her sexuality." "The small triangle between her legs is like the head of an arrow which points: go here!" "Or if you follow the graceful lines of the pectoralis major it inevitably draws your eyes to the golden orbs." "Climaxed by the nipple." "God is in the detail." "And the nipple is His greatest detail." "Dora loved the video I made of her, but I couldn't take the credit." "I told her that 95%%% of directing is casting." "See?" "You're beautiful." "Why aren't you out on a Saturday night?" "'Cause my face got flattened like road kill after the couch fell on me." "Sorry." "It was weird that I felt comfortable talking to her now that her looks didn't distract me." "She was the same girl." " What are you reading?" " "World Religion and Us"." "This guy was supposed to give me his notes after class but he never called me back." "I was reading about the religious scholars that were looking back in Biblical times." "They found out that "walking on the water" really meant "walking by the water"." "Interesting?" "So perhaps Jesus didn't perform any of those miracles at all." "We just thought he did because we made a mistake in the translation." "But you know what really messed up?" "God loves us, right?" "Why does he let bad things happen to good people?" "I don't know, I guess God has a plan for everybody." "His plan for me sucks!" "You've got strong legs." "I had been avoiding Patty for awhile." "I didn't know how to handle it." "But I was thinking about her, so Francesca went to hang out with her." "What do you think of that maintenance guy?" "He's not my type." "How's that?" "I don't know, he just sort of seems distracted to me." "It was then that I heard the tell-tale cracking of Crick's nicotine gum." "I just heard what you've been doing with Mr. Fix lt." " Can we please talk about this later?" " No, we'll talk about it right now." "Please, just let go of me!" "Wants to love me too?" "Looks like it's just the two of us." "Now relax, we'll just get along just fine." "Are you a dirty slut too?" "Èverything will be fine." "Just relax." "He was chewing his nicotine gum in my ear." "Like kryptonite, it drained any super powers I had left in my body." "All that kept going through my mind was what the mighty Crick had in store for me." "You like it?" "Because I'm gonna give it to you good." "Now give us a kiss." "I didn't tell anyone what happened." "I was too ashamed." "And if that wasn't bad enough, I discovered Rod choking the chicken to the video I had made of Dora." "What happened to your dick?" "It's called hypospadias." "It's when the hole in your dick gets... lt's not on the tip, it's underneath." "Spooky." "It's kind of having your mouth below your chin." "Sort of." "Don't tell anyone." "All right?" "Èspecially those girls you've been hanging out with." "I showed it to a girl and she freaked out." "It was then I realized this was Rod's horror." "I haven't whipped it out in front of a chick ever since." "So how do you pee?" "I usually lift it up real high, or if I'm lazy I'll just give it a twist or something." "So that is what it was all about." "The penile power was a way to prove his manhood." "And to build himself up, Rod had to run down women." "Men are insecure about their masculinity." "What pathetic creatures we are." " You must think I'm a total faggot." " No, not at all." "Did you ever see the James Bond flick "The Man with the Golden Gun"?" " What about it?" " Scaramanga with that third nipple?" "It was called the superfluous papilla." "And Bond had Q make him a fake one so he could get into Scaramanga's hideout." "You're missing the point." "The third nipple was a sign of sexual virility." "Maybe your penis doesn't make you an elephant man, but a Superman." "Cool." "I had learned something from Rod's groinular fixation." "His horror really was my horror too." "It was every man's horror." "Deny it we may, but we are all afraid of women." "Èvery single one of them." "Time had run out." "Finals were in a week." "Soon, everyone would be leaving the dorms." "And next semester some would relocate off-campus housing." "If I had any hope of finding my kismetic destiny, I had to face my greatest fear." "I went to the Virgin Vault and I declared my love in front of 100 girls." "I'm Matt." "Without you I'm lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway." "I have gift anxiety." "Èven though I don't know when your birthday is." "We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together." "I swear I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parking." "If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week." "I'll do it with my tongue if you ask." "I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary." "I'll love you, even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May-may"." "I will only pass gas underneath the covers and only in the direst of circumstances." "I will go on a low-cholesterol diet." "And I won't buy one of those red sportscars when I hit my mid-life crisis." "Your parents can come visit us every week." "Èven if your mom is a big witch with a capital B." "And your folks don't have to go to a retirement home, but can live with us." "I declare I will separate the whites from the colors." "I'll learn the mysteries of hot water and cold water washes." "I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on your makeup." "If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog could save your life from drowning." "I'll happily go see chick flicks with you like "Pride and Prejudice"." "I'll make a point to try new food like okra gumbo." "I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese put on it." "I pledge to always say "yes"" "when you ask "is my hair looking okay tonight?"" "I'll bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle"." "I'll be thoughtful enough to read you horoscope every day." "I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me and I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart." "I'm never gonna expect you to know where l left my car keys and I'll never leave my socks on the floor." "With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste." "I'll start wearing those male bikini underwear if you like." "My belly button will always be lint-free." "I want to full-on kiss your clitoris." "It will be the most passionate intimate experience you've ever had." "I declare now, I'll give my life for you." "And if you fail to come to me I know some part of me will surely die." "It's me!" "No, it's me!" "I'm the girl from the elevator!" "Shut up!" "I'm the one." "I'm not the one from the elevator, but I'll go out with you!" "My God." "I could have my choice of any girl." "Whoever I wanted could be the mystery girl." "I knew it would eat me up inside if I didn't find my true kismetic destiny." "I would always wonder what might have been." "It was her!" "I knew it!" "My heart and my feet raced to the door of the girl who never came out of her room." "There she was." "My once and future love." "I'm not the girl." "I think she's a couple door down." "I know it's you." "Go away." "You fell in love with another girl in that elevator." "I'm not that girl." " l fell in love with you." " No, you didn't." "I tried to make you fall in love with me, but you were in love with her." "Why do you think that?" "By the way you look at me." "Go away." "is that what you really want?" "That's what I want." "Buck up. lt looks like you've got weights dangling from your dangler." "Smile." "It wasn't my dangler that had weights on it." "It was my heart." "Check it out." "The bust got busted." "I told her not to use water soluble ink." "I knew her notes would sweat right through." "At least Cynthia's having a good ending to her semester." "She found something she's genuinely good at." "Those heavy anti-cellulite pants built up the strength in our legs." "For an actual attacker..." "..you put something like that." " She could kick some ass!" "Her judo coach says he's never seen anything like it." "That concludes the martial arts demonstration for the night." "The last day of the class I dropped a bomb on Èlsa, She-Wolf of the S.S." "Mrs. Stern, I'm sick of coming into your class 3 days a week and being told that my sex is responsible for all the problems in the world." "You don't even give any room for question." "I think part of the problem is feminists." "There's just too many "ists" in the world." "Feminists, chauvinist, capitalist, Communist, racist, sexist." "These are all groups that fight one another instead of trying to understand one another." "I think the only "ists" there should be, are humanists." "I agree with Matt!" "I applaud him." "Èlsa couldn't respond, she just stood there as if she heard the distant roar of the Allied bombers coming to destroy her propaganda machine." "Without his tongue, Crick sounded like he was mentally challenged." "And although Crick would never sweet-talk a girl again he still needed to be accountable for his actions." "I made the ultimate sacrifice a man can take to get rid of Crick forever." " You're not going to bother her again." " You go to hell!" " l'm turning you in." " What for?" "I fought the shame to bring out the truth." "I'm going to the police, you sexually assaulted me." "You'll never prove it." "My bravery inspired others." " He did it to me too." " Me too." "And me." "Together we put Crick away." "Wendy had a big confession." "I'm a lesbian." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I was afraid of what people might think." "Èspecially my parents." "Why are you telling me now?" "I think I can deal with it now." "That's why I initially helped you with your search." "I was hoping that while you were out finding your girl, you might find one for me." "So I fixed her up with Arlene, who I discovered a few days ago practiced an alternative lifestyle too." "It was a big week." "I also found time to fix Dora and Rod up." "Their night together was electrifying and they've been together ever since." "I don't know what it was." "Maybe it was the romantic power of candlelight, but I decided to give it one last try." "I remembered what Patty talked about." "There's a certain way a man stares at the woman he loves." "A man looks like a boy on his birthday." "He treats the woman as if she were a gift he's waited so long to open and now he can't wait to see what treasure is inside."