"Hank:" "Look at these two." "Is this how young people go on a date these days?" "They've been here three hours, and they haven't said a word to each other." "Maybe they're sexting." "They're what?" "That's what young people do." "They send each other dirty messages on their phones." "And sometimes dirty pictures." "How do you two know this?" "We stay current." "No reason." "Why do I ask my parents questions like that?" "I'm never happy with the answer." "Somebody ought to teach these kids how to go on a real date." "Hank, leave them alone." "No." "They're gonna thank me for this." "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm doing you a favor, kid." "Look at your girlfriend." "Tell her she's beautiful." "Don't type it." "Tell her you admire her beautiful physique." "Look into her big blue eyes and say," ""I want to make love to you."" "She's my sister." "Then don't say any of that, you sicko." "♪ Da, da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪" "Hey, everyone." "Drinks on me." "[ Patrons cheer ]" "Wow." "What happened?" "Did you finally convince a fast-food place that there was a finger in your fry?" "Still working on that." "But get this -- I got a job." "Carol:" "Honey, I'm so proud of you!" "Isn't it great to have a place to go every morning and money in your pocket?" "It is, mom." "Good." "Now lend mama 20 bucks." "You know what, Owen?" "Maybe you shouldn't go crazy." "Put some of that money in the bank." "Steve, trust me." "I know how to handle money." "Dudes, check out my sweet $80 snow leopard shirt." "You paid 80 bucks to look like a jerk-off." "That's what the rich do." "I'm just saying, whatever your job is, don't shoot your whole wad." "You know, it's funny." "That what my job is." "I work at a sperm bank." "So you're a professional jerk-off." "I prefer "spermologist."" "Well, your job sounds like prostitution." "How?" "You're being paid to have sex." "With myself!" "By the way -- no complaints." "Hey, Steve." "Hey, Melanie." "What can I get you?" "A bowl of ice." "What happened?" "Ah, this creep from my apartment building has been stealing my underwear from the laundry room." "So I decked him." "Wait a second." "Someone was stealing your underwear?" "Could you describe the underwear?" "They were pink and had "Wednesday" on them, okay?" "Thank you." "[ Exhales sharply ]" "I'll be using that at work tomorrow." "So you just reeled off and hit a guy?" "A guy who's been stealing my underwear for months." "So today I hid behind the door, and I saw that little creep taking my underwear out of the washer." "And he won't be doing that again." "He just got a face-full of Melanie justice." "I'll be using that at work, too." "Good for you." "No man should steal a woman's underwear." "That's something for her to give." "For Christmas." "Or graduation." "So, what happened to the guy?" "Who cares?" "I handled it." "I'm just saying, you could have come to me for legal help." "I could have filed charges, gotten you a restraining order." "You know, there's nothing wrong with asking for some help." "You're not listening." "I took care of it." "I don't need a lawyer, Steve." "Melanie Sutton?" "You're under arrest." "[ Handcuffs click ]" "I need a lawyer, Steve." "Wow." "Melanie in handcuffs?" "I don't think I can wait till work tomorrow." "Do you mind struggling a little bit, maybe arching your back?" "It's 10:30 on a Saturday." "Why aren't you out with somebody?" "I'm still trying to decide who." "You know what it's like when you're hungry, but you don't know what you're hungry for?" "[ Cellphone rings ] Oh!" "[ Beep ]" "Oh." "Angelo." "Am I in the mood for Italian?" "Who calls somebody at 10:30 at night?" "It's a "booty call," Hank." "It's when " "I know what a booty call is." "It's when you do it from behind?" "It's a late-night request for company." "What's happened to the world?" "Kids are sexting, booties are calling." "You know, you used to have to take a lady out, make conversation, buy her lobster." "Then at the end of the night, if you were lucky, you got a kiss on the cheek." "And then you went home saying, "What the hell?" ""I brought her a freakin' lobster." "Would it have killed her to give me a handy?"" "Excuse me." "Does this puppy belong to anyone?" "I don't think he belongs to anybody here." "Oh, hi." "You must be Steve Sullivan." "I'm Gary frost." "I'm the one that, uh, had the little misunderstanding with Melanie Sutton." "Thanks for coming in." "Please have a seat over here, Mr. frost." "I'll be with you in just one second." "Thank you." "So, that's the panty thief." "I hate that guy." "I think we should just kick his ass." "Let me go get my nunchucks." "Relax." "This guy's going down." "Thanks for coming in, Mr. frost." "My client recognizes your right to press charges, but what you need to know -- we will also pursue charges of theft, invasion of privacy, and -- could you please put the puppy down?" "It's kind of hard to discuss these criminal matters while you're holding an adorable puppy." "You want to hold him?" "No." "I'm not holding the puppy." "Mr. Sullivan." "He's all alone in the world." "This is hardly the time to make him feel rejected." "Fine." "Give me the puppy." "In addition to criminal proceedings, we also pursue a civil action for damages, stemming from, uh, emotional distress and..." "Oh." "Well, hello." "Yes." "Who's guilty of being a cutie?" "Steve, I have n" "You don't mind if I call you Steve, do you?" "Oh, you can call me anything." "Look, I was just moving Melanie's laundry." "All right, that was probably a mistake, but Saturday is the only day I have to do laundry." "I work full time at the homeless shelter." "Sundays are, of course, for church." "And I teach swimnastics to seniors." "My grandmother does swimnastics." "Mrs. Ibrahim?" "Yes!" "Oh, I see the resemblance." "Oh!" "She's a delight!" "It's really helped her with her hip." "Thanks for teaching that." "Oh, I don't teach them." "They..." "They teach me." "I'm sorry, Steve." "You were saying?" "Uh, the fact remains -- my client saw you stealing her underwear." "Steve, I was just transferring her laundry to the dryer." "I mean, I hate to speak ill of a neighbor, but Melanie will leave her stuff in that washer for the longest darn time." "Don't you hate that, fellas?" "I hate that." "It's the worst." "Oh, I can't stand that." "And I guess she just misunderstood what I was doing, and she flew into this sort of blind rage." "And that's when she -- she struck me, Steve." "Now, I'm worried that she has anger issues." "I'm not an expert, but I have spent many hours playing piano for violent felons." "You even work with violent felons?" "Oh, well, you know, I tickle the keys." "They..." "They tickle my heart." "So, Gary -- can I call you Gary?" "Only friends call me Gary, so..." "Yeah." "A guy like you who does all the charity work, helping out others -- you recognize Melanie is a good person." "She's a paramedic." "She's out there every day saving lives." "Can't you find it in your heart to let this one go?" "Steven, I'd like to say I can't, but it's impossible to say no to a guy who's holding a puppy." "How about this?" "I will drop all the charges if Melanie agrees to get some help, because that's what she needs, guys." "She needs help before I'm playing piano sonatas for her in the crowbar hotel." "I think I can get my client to agree to that." "Well, that's all I want, and I want it for Melanie." "And now, Steve, I'm gonna do the meanest thing I've ever done." "What's that?" "Take that puppy back from you." "Aw, really?" "Sorry, Steve." "It's time to go." "Somewhere out there, there's a little child looking for some unconditional love." "And you know who that child is?" "Who?" "It's all of us." "Steve, is it weird that I want to hug you?" "Not at all, buddy." "Bring it in here." "Hi, little fella." "Unh-unh-unh-unh." "Enough of that." "Bye-bye, friends." "Bye, Gary." "Bye, Gary." "Bye, Gary." "Bye, Gary." "As a lawyer, you pray for just one innocent client." "He's not your client." "Oh." "Right." "Damn!" "Hey, Owen, guess what?" "I went down to the sperm bank and made a donation." "Sweet." "We're co-workers." "It's nice to be paid for something you love to do." "How much you get?" "20 bucks." "That's it?" "How much did you get?" "$700." "What?" "!" "How many of those little cups did you fill up?" "One." "What?" "!" "How many did you do?" "Nine!" "I can barely walk." "Dude, you got some cheap-ass sperm." "How is this possible?" "It's supply and demand." "Here, you have a tall, blond, Christian American." "And here we have a camel-riding, turban-wearing terrorist." "Hank, I was born here." "I'm as American as you are." "Yeah." "Tell it to the TSA." "How'd it go with creepy Gary?" "Is he gonna drop the charges?" "I'm working on it, but I got to say " "Gary seems pretty credible." "Seriously?" "The weird smile?" "All those creepy hugs?" "Melanie, he seems like a great guy." "Are you guys talking about the g-man?" "He's awesome!" "So, you guys are his side now?" "Well, he does save puppies." "And my grandmother's hip." "And he's got an NPR tote bag." "How freakin' classy is that?" "Guys!" "He stole my underwear!" "Maybe he did." "Maybe it's a misunderstanding." "But I guarantee a judge and jury will side with him, and you'll end up in jail." "Great!" "So everybody loves Gary." "What the hell am I supposed to do, Steve?" "Well, I spoke to Gar, and " ""Gar"?" "Gary, the complainant." "And, as your lawyer, here's what I recommend." "He will drop all charges if you agree to apologize." "Oh, no freakin' way." "This girl does not apologize to anyone who steals her underwear." "Good for you." "See?" "But your mistake was letting him live." "It's not that hard to get rid of a body." "This city has three rivers." "I'm your lawyer." "Take the deal." "And I'm your client, and I'm saying you're fired." "Melanie, Melanie, don't do this." "I'm gonna represent myself." "You know what this is?" "This is Burger Barn all over again." "Oh!" "You're going there." "When people came through the drive-thru, all you had to say was," ""Welcome to Burger Barn, the best burger in town,"" "and you wouldn't do it." "Because it wasn't true!" "Armenians can't make hamburgers." "I mean, paprika?" "What's that doing in there?" "Who cares?" "You lost your job." "But I kept my burger integrity." "I can't believe this." "After all these years, she's still so freakin' stubborn." "Oh, come on, Steve." "It's so obvious." "Father left the home when she was very young." "It's hard for her to trust anyone." "She has abandonment issues, problems with authority." "Surprised she's not a stripper." "Well, you nailed it." "Except for the stripper part." "Your mother is very wise." "Just because she hates emotions doesn't mean she doesn't understand them." "Hey, uh, you seem pretty good at this stuff." "Uh, let me ask you something." "Why do you think I overeat?" "[ Chuckles ]" "Doug..." "It's because you feel an emptiness inside." "You have a hole in your heart, and you think you can fill it with food." "But the truth is, you can only fill it with money." "That's, uh, that's some deep stuff." "But how do -- how do I stop over-eating?" "Simple -- get naked, stand in front of mirror, watch yourself eat." "That's how I eat anyway." "[ Cellphone rings ]" "Who's calling your booty now?" "Oh, some guy." "He sent me a picture." "A picture?" "Who puts a bratwurst in a high-heel shoe?" "Oh!" "Ohh!" "Well, you asked." "I'm gonna show you what a real date is supposed to look like." "You sit here." "And I'll sit here." "And we have a conversation." "This is weird." ""You and me here" is different than "you and me there."" "That's the point." "This is going to be a proper date." "We're gonna sit here." "We're gonna have our drinks." "I'm gonna compliment your looks, ask about your likes and dislikes, and pretend to be interested." "It sounds like a lot of work." "Well, a lady is worth it." "That's the kind of B.S. you say on a date." "Well, what are we supposed to talk about?" "Anything and everything." "It's no big deal." "We just make conversation." "I got nothing." "All right, I'll start." "Uh, I read today that, uh, the economy isn't doing so well." "We're gonna talk about the economy?" "Well, we can start anywhere." "The point is -- we end up someplace interesting." "It's part of the dance." "You just jump in." "What did you do this weekend?" "I put my mother in a home." "I was kind of hoping for something lighter, but I can run with that." "I did the same thing a year ago." "My mother thinks I'm Angela Lansbury." "My mother thinks I'm her cat." "Now we're cooking with gas!" "Guys, great news." "Remember how no one would buy my sperm in Pittsburgh?" "Yeah." "Well, I found a buyer in Yemen." "Also a dwarf in Belgium, but he didn't have a PayPal account." "Yemen?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "We live in a global marketplace, Steve." "I can get my sperm across the world in five hours." "Holy crap." "That's a hell of a prostate." "[ Laughs ]" "Uh, you guys can laugh it up all you want, but I've got an 80-year-old oil Sheikh with 26 wives who can't get enough of my sweet nectar." "26 ladies married that old dude?" "Wow." "He looks like a raisin in a bedsheet." "Hello, gang!" "Hey, Gary!" "Hey, Gary!" "Hey, Gary!" "Hey, Gary!" "Good news, friends." "I found the puppy's owner." "And I have great pictures from the reunion." "Aww." "Aww." "Aww." "Aww." "Well, Steve, I'm here as requested." "I came right from coaching basketball for blind kids." "And, you know, Steve, if smiles were baskets, we'd be undefeated." "All right, where is she?" "I'm hoping to have a good, healing conversation with Melanie." "Gosh, Gar, I wanted that, too, but it turns out my client is pursuing a different strategy." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Well, Steve, you tried." "But this is Melanie's journey." "Don't carry that load for her." "[ Chuckles ] Thanks." "Is it weird I want to hug you?" "It'd be weird if you didn't." "Excuse me." "Oh, sweet lord, she'll kill us all!" "No." "No, Gary." "Steve, can I talk to you for a second?" "I thought about what you said, and you're right." "Whoa." "I've never heard you say those words before." "Are you gonna give me crap about this?" "I'm listening." "No." "I-I trust you, and I'm gonna do this." "I mean, I hate this, but I get it." "Let me make it easier for you." "Hit me again." "Okay." "I think I'm ready." "Gary, I have something to say to you." "Wait!" "Don't apologize." "Why not?" "Because of this!" "Hello." "Because this!" "[ Gasps ]" "Goodbye." "Melanie:" "I got to say, Steve, when you jumped over the bar, that was pretty amazing." "In retrospect, I wish I'd stretched a bit before that." "I might have to wear some special underwear myself." "[ Laughs ]" "So, okay." "Don't you have something to say to me?" "Like what?" "Like, "You were right, Melanie"?" "Don't you have something to say to me?" "Like what?" "Like, "Thank you, Steve"?" "For what?" "I pantsed the guy for you." "Well, I punched him first." "Well, I double-pantsed him." "And I jumped over the bar." "Top that!" "Why can't you just admit when you're wrong?" "Why can't you admit you're stubborn?" "Listen, people don't change." "Until you do the hard work inside, you will never grow and get past your issues." "Mom, leave her alone." "I'm talking to you." "Well, whose fault is that, old lady?" "[ Chuckling ] Hey, hey, take it easy on your mother." "Her father left when she was very young." "It's hard for her to trust anyone." "She has abandonment issues, problems with authority." "I'm surprised she's not a stripper." "How's work?" "It's killing me." "Thank God it's Friday." "Me too." "In fact, I quit." "Seriously?" "Yeah, the job was messing with my head." "I had this really sexy dream where I was on a cruise ship..." "With my hand!" "I had the same dream." "Except my hand and I were on a tandem bike." "I'm quitting, too." "Just don't forget to give your two-jerk notice." "Hey, gang." "Hey, Gary!" "Hey, Gary!" "Hey, Gary!" "Hey, Gary!" "Seriously?" "He still gets a "Hey, Gary"?" "Actually, Melanie, we're kind of cool with Gary." "He was wearing my underwear." "It just makes him more human." "Uh, gang, if everyone could gather around, there's something I'd like to say." "Hi." "My name is Gary." "Hi, Gary." "Hi, Gary." "Hi, Gary." "Hi, Gary." "And I am addicted to panties." "Melanie, I'd like to start by apologizing to you." "I am deeply sorry for having violated your privacy and the sanctity of our laundry space, and I really hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me." "You know what, Gary?" "I can't." "Aww." "Aww." "Aww." "Aww." "Now, no, no, no, no." "Gang." "Gang!" "Don't blame her." "I'm gonna have to own this." "Miss Melanie, part of my recovery is making amends." "I believe these are yours." "Ahmed, will you be seeing your grandmother soon?" "Steve, there's one last favor I'd like to ask." "And I will not be offended if you say to me," ""Gary, get the heck out of this bar!" "Don't you ever come back here!"" "What is it, Gary?" "I think you know that I need a lawyer." "And I would love it if you would represent me." "Be happy to." "Is it weird that I want to hug you?" "This time, it is." "Understood, sir." "Hey, hey." "Where's Tuesday?" "Oh, believe me, neighbor." "You don't want Tuesday back." "Bye-bye, everybody!" "Bye, Gary!" "Bye, Gary!" "Bye, Gary!" "Bye, Gary!" "Of course that was before" "I started my first career as a chocolatier." "[ chuckles ] That is fascinating!" "You know, Hank, there's a lot more to you." "And to you!" "See, that's what's revealed when you sit and have a conversation with someone." "[ Chuckles ] You are absolutely right." "[ Cellphone rings ]" "Oh, damn." "It's Glenda from work." "She wants me to come over and help her water her plants." "At 11:00?" "I know!" "Why does she call so late to water the damn things?" "Hank!" "That is a booty call." "No way." "Trust me." "I know these things." "Do you like her?" "She's all right." "She kind of smells like cinnamon rolls." "Listen, you showed me how fun this kind of evening can be." "Now go find out how much fun that kind of evening can be." "Trust me." "No one calls at 11:00 at night to ask for help watering their plants." "Well, I guess I should probably, uh..." "Get going." "Go!" "Okay." "How many freakin' plants does she have?"