"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one what's driving me berserk" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Look at the quality." "That is the titmus test, the quality." "These are handmade from Indonesian steel." "They've got an ivory-effect handle and they come in a genuine synthetic leather lookalike case." "These canteens of cutlery are a very exclusive line." "You can only buy these in Harrods, Liberty and Patel's Multi-Mart." "Take a look at that." "What can't speak can't lie." "Put your binoculars away." "I can tell you what it says." ""Manufacturer's recommended retail price, L42.99."" " You could have printed them." " What?" " You could have printed them yourself." " Do I look like Rupert Maxwell?" "Before I tell you how much I want for this wonderful cutlery," "I want anyone of a nervous disposition or a weak heart to move along." "I do not want to be held responsible as I'm only insured for third party, fire and theft." "Here we go." "Listen to me." "A 36-piece canteen of cutlery, made in Indonesia, genuine synthetic leather case, manufacturer's recommended retail price L42.99." "Yours for - first come, first served - L3.50!" " (GRoANING)" " What d'you mean?" "You'll not get a bargain like this again." " I bet we don't get guarantees." " Yes, you do get a guarantee." "Go away and annoy someone else for a month or two." " Hello." " Hello." "This your first day in the market?" " Mm." "First day." " I thought I hadn't seen you here before." " This all your own work?" " Mm." "Afraid so." "No." "It's really good." "Do you think so?" "It's awfully sweet of you." "I'm an artist." "I went away to college for a while." "Really?" "I was at the Milan School of Art for two years, then at the Sorbonne." " Where were you?" " Basingstoke." "Basingstoke?" "I don't think I've heard of it." " It's a big town in Hampshire." " I meant the Basingstoke College of Art." "Oh." "It's quite famous." "Well, in Basingstoke." "By the way, my name is Rodney." "Victoria." "Well... vicky." "Make your neighbours jealous." "Only the finest steel goes into making this premier cutlery, producing the sharpest cutting edge ever." "Yeah." "But how do we know that?" "Run your wrist down the blade and you'll find out." " All right, Delboy?" " All right." "All right, Trig?" "I'd rather have shingles than these." "You can get rid of shingles." " How are things with you?" " Known it worst." "Have you?" "I haven't." "Listen to me." "I'll let you have 'em at three quid a box." "You know it makes sense." "Three quid?" "I'll have one of them, Del." " What do you mean?" " Three pounds?" "They're a bargain." "Trigger, those are the ones that you sold me last week for a nicker each." "No." "They ain't the same." "Mine didn't have them on." "I don't believe him." "All right, listen." "I gotta get rid of this stuff 'cause..." "Away you go, everyone." "Before you get your collars felt." "Away you go." "Look at that stupid little dipstick!" "Trigger, quick." "Listen." "Just do exactly as I say." "You are looking for the Hilton Hotel?" "Si." "Hilton Hotel." " Turn left at the top of the road." " Si." " And you'll see a bus stop." " Si." "Take the 159 to Park Lane and that is where the Hilton Hotel is." "Oh." "Si." "Danke schön." "Bonsoir." "Don't get many tourists round this way, eh, officer?" "No." "Especially tourists that speak three different languages all at once." " How much is that one?" " L50." " Oh." "What about the one next to it?" " That's 85." "Oh." "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice, vicky?" "People round here don't pay L85 for a painting." "People round here don't pay L85 for a car." "But everybody has paintings in their homes." "Yeah, but they don't get them from galleries." "They get them from British Home Stores and bingo." "You've picked the wrong market." "You ought to have a crack at Portobello Road." "Perhaps you're right." "Oh, well." "Nothing ventured." "Would you be a love and help me take this stuff back to my car?" "I'd like to, but I'm busy with my... oh." "He must have sold out early and gone for something to eat." " In that case, I'm at your service." " That's awfully sweet of you." " I'm sorry." "I didn't..." " Rodney." "Wotcha, Dave." " My name is Rodney." "He's just very thick." " I see." " What line of business are you in, Rodney?" " I'm a partner in a... partnership." "Me and my brother." "We buy and sell things." "I envy you." "It must be wonderful to work in a market." "I find it very stimulating." "It's all the hustle and bustle and the lovely characters one sees." " Huh!" " I know they're not all lovely." "Did you spot that noisy little person selling the tatty cutlery?" " Yeah." "That's my brother." " I'm frightfully sorry." " When I said noisy, I didn't..." " No." "He is noisy." "He's always been noisy." "But he's as good as gold, really." "I sort of look after him." " I haven't got any brothers or sisters." " No?" "Do you want him?" "No, thank you." "Here's the old crate." "Nice car." " I got it for a birthday present." " Yeah?" "I got a Nik Kershaw LP." "I'm off for something to eat." "I'll see you around." " Where do you lunch?" " I usually go down the Fatty Thumb." " The Fatty Thumb?" " It's Sid's Caff, really." " We call it that out of affection." " May I join you?" "You?" "At the Fatty Thumb?" "I don't think you'd like it, victoria." "It's all steam and bacteria." "It's horrible." "You know, Rodney, I get the feeling you're an inverted snob." "Come on." "I'll chauffeur you down there." "You won't like it, victoria." "I don't like it and I'm a regular." " Pie and chips." " Egg, bubble, beans twice?" "There you go, Rodney." "Don't forget your teas." "Two dripping toast." "Bacon and egg and a slice." " Here we go, then, vicky." " I think it's absolutely lovely in here." "Yes." "Good, innit?" "This machine's broke again, Sid." "If you didn't tilt the soddin' thing, it wouldn't break." " You're not from round Peckham way?" " No." "I was born and raised up in Berkshire." "I've been in London for about three months." " Have you always lived here?" " Always." "I've been wanting to live in London for ages." "Berkshire's so boring." "Boring Berkshire, I call it." "I wanted to be near the art galleries." "I suppose you're always in them?" "Not always, no." "I did go to the National Gallery a couple of weeks back." "I suddenly realised - and I am ashamed to admit it - that I've never actually seen the da vinci cartoon." "I haven't seen it either." "What did you think of it?" " They were shut." "But I am going back." " Why don't we go together?" " Yeah." "Cushty." " Cushty?" "Yeah." "It means wonderful, t'riffic." "How frightfully Albert Square." "Shall we say tomorrow at noon?" " I might not get time off work." " I thought you said you were a partner." "Yeah..." "I am a partner, yeah." "All right." "I'll give myself the day off." " Tomorrow at noon." " Cushty." "Do you like opera, Rodney?" " Course you do." "I can tell." " Yeah." "There's a gala performance of "Carmen" at the Theatre Royal next week." "I've tried everywhere to get tickets, but it's absolutely impossible." "Yeah, I know." "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I didn't really think Peckham would be your scene." "No." "I absolutely adore this area." "It's so rough and raw and vibrant." "I saw a woman spit yesterday." "You see, I was brought up in this tiny community in the wilds of boring Berkshire." "My world was one of nannies and live-in tutors, gymkhanas and village fetes." "I didn't realise there was a real world until I decided to make art my life." "My mother was a painter." "She had work exhibited at the Royal Academy." "No?" "Oh, mega!" "The Royal Academy?" "Does she still paint?" " No." " Have I said something wrong?" "She died when I was 12." "A skiing accident in Austria." "I'm really sorry, vicky." "I know how much that must have hurt you." " I don't think so, Rodney." " Oh, yeah, I do." "Same thing happened to me when I was five." "Poor Rodney." "How absolutely awful for you." "Where was your mother skiing?" "No, Mum weren't skiing." "Mum didn't do a lot of skiing." "She just had something wrong with her." "I see." "Sorry." "Lord, look at the time." "I must dash or they start worrying." " Who do?" " Special Branch." " Special Branch?" " Yes." "It's all incredibly tedious." "They have to protect us." "Well, Daddy mainly." " What is he, a supergrass?" " No, silly." "He's..." "It's terribly boring." "He's the Duke of Maylebury." " The Duke of Maylebury?" " I said it was terribly boring." "I must dash." "See you tomorrow at the National?" " Yeah." " Cushty." "Ciao." "Maylebury..." "Mayle..." "Maylebury!" "(ALBERT) You could have left it." "(DEL) Leave it out, Albert." "You done more whining than a spin dryer!" "Rodney's back." "Someone must have paid the ransom." "Hm!" "Where have you been?" " The library." " What for?" "To see if my shoes was done." "Why do you think I went?" "To get a book." ""Burke's." Teach yourself book, is it?" "It is a genealogical and heraldic history of British peers." "You ain't gonna get no wages this week." "Oi, come on, Del." "That bird I was talking to, I said I'd take her out and I'm potless." " That's your problem." " Thanks a bunch." "That's embarrassing with her coming from a moneyed background." "It's a tough world..." "What do you mean?" " Her old man's very wealthy." " Is he?" "What's his game?" " Promise me it'll go no further." " Of course not." "Just between us two." "Have you heard of the Duke of Maylebury?" "The Duke of...?" "Leave it out, you twonk!" " It's God's honest truth, Del." " No." "Cross my heart and hope to die." "That little girl...?" "Her daddy...?" " Honest." "It's for real." " Bloody hell." " It's our secret." " Course it is." "Did you hear that, Albert?" "You know that sort Rodney's been chatting up?" " What about her?" " Her father owns a pub." "You're pulling my leg." "No." "The Duke of Maylebury's over Nunhead way." "No." "Listen." "He don't own the Duke of Maylebury." "He is the Duke of Maylebury." " He's nobility." "A peer of the realm." " Leave it out, Rodders." "I've seen a picture of the Duke of Maylebury." "He owns that horse, Hansom Samson, second favourite for the Derby." "That girl looks nothing like him." "She looks like the horse, maybe." " She's no more nobility than you are." " No?" "Have a look at that, then." " I don't believe it." "That's the girl." " Which one?" "The one without the top hat on." "She's standing next to Princess Anne at a rodeo." "They're in here an' all." "Her father is a second cousin to the Queen." " (WHISTLES)" " Vicky's in here an' all." "Here." "Her proper title is Lady victoria Marsham Hales." ""Only child of Sir Henry Marsham, KBE, Mvo, MC and Bar." ""14th Duke of Maylebury." ""Family home:" "Covington House, Upper Stansmere, Berkshire."" " You ain't had a go at her?" " No, I ain't." "You keep your mitts off her." "We'll have her mother here throwing royal prerogatives." "Her mum died in a skiing accident nine years ago." "Answer me this." "If she's a titled lady, what's she going out with him for?" " He's giving me the right hump." " It's all right." "Albert, Rodney's got some very nice qualities." "She may have been smitten by his rakish charms or his boyish good looks." "Or she could be a posh tart fancying a bit of scrag." "You never can tell." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "I've got it now." "It's a well known fact that every three or four hundred years, the aristocracy have to bring in a bit of common stock to water the blue blood down." "And they can't do better than that?" " I'm gonna crack him round the head." " No, no." "Listen." "I bet you her old man has told her to find herself a husband and Rodney's in the frame." "Rodney, ask her to marry you." "Ma...?" "I don't want to get married." "Just think about it for a minute, will you?" "Think of all the advantages." "That vicky is the sole heiress of the Maylebury fortunes." "She's got no brothers or sisters and the old girl popped her clogs on the giant slalom." "So when the old Duke says bonsoir to this mortal "curl", she'll become the Duchess, and you know what that means." "What?" "Albert, come here." "I want you to remember this moment." "We could be looking at the future Duke of Maylebury." " He don't look like a peer of the realm." " Not at the moment." "Stick a coronet on his head, he's a dead ringer." "I don't wanna be a duke." "Think of the advantages." "You'll be in the House of Lords." "We can watch you on the telly having a kip." "I don't believe it." "Me and vicky..." "we're more mates than anything else." "We have one mutual interest." "Art." "Other than that, we're worlds apart." "She wants us to go to the opera." " Why, what's on?" " "Carmen"." "It's a gala performance." " Why don't you take her?" " I don't know about operas." "Besides, it's impossible to get tickets." "If you want tickets, you shall have tickets, Cinders." " How?" " From Limpy Lionel the ticket tout." "Gonna cost, Del." "What does money matter compared with little Rodney's happiness?" "(vlCKY) I still don't understand how you managed it." "Even Daddy couldn't get tickets." "It was nothing, really." "I have, let's just say, contacts." "I hope they're not forgeries." " Good evening, Lady victoria." " Hello." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Have a nice evening." "Oh." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "I'll get us a programme." " Two programmes, please." " Eight pounds, sir." "Rodney, I know you'll think I'm a frightful old bore, but you know you've invited me to a soccer match on Saturday?" "I have to cancel." "Oh." "That's no problem, vicky." "I must go home." "Daddy's invited a few friends down for the weekend - a shoot and then dinner - and I simply have to be there." " I'm the lady of the house." " That's all right." "I understand." "Would you like to join us?" "As my guest." "Oh." "Um..." "Well..." "You could stay overnight and on Sunday I'll take you for lunch at our local." " Yes." "Thank you, vicky." "I'd love to." " That's super." " Drink?" " A very dry white wine and soda, please." "I won't be a minute." "Could I have two very dry white wine and sodas?" "(DEL WHISTLES) Rodney!" "Rodders." "Excuse me, darling." "I was getting a bit worried." "The old time was creeping on." "All right, darling?" "It's a good 'un tonight." "Oi, John!" "When you've finished your break, can we have some service?" " Del, he is already serving me." " Is he?" "Right." "Oi." "Cuba Libre for moi." "All right?" " What the bloody hell are you doing here?" " That's charming, that is." "There were four tickets up for grabs and you know I love a bit of opera." "You?" "The only opera you've ever seen was "Tommy" on video." "Victoria, this is my brother Derek." " Hello." "How nice to meet you." " And you." "And may I say how particularly lovely you are looking tonight." "Thank you." "I didn't realise you were going to be joining us." " Yes." "There were four tickets..." " And I bought them all." "Yes." "Rodney bought them all." "He's generous to a fault." "Cheers." " I don't believe it." " What don't you believe?" "This is the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, and somebody has ordered a kissogram." " Never!" "Where?" " There." " You saucy git." "That's my bird." " It ain't?" "Del, it ain't?" "It's Juney." "She lives over in Zimbabwe House." " I used to go out with her daughter." " Don't worry." "She won't say a word." "(WHISTLES) Juney!" "Here, girl." "I weren't sure where you'd got to." "Them khazis ain't 'alf posh." "You always go to the best places with me." "Allow me to introduce you." "Lady victoria, I want you to meet June Snell." " Good evening, June." " Hello." "You all right?" "Lady victoria, remember?" "Oh, yeah." "It's a great pleasure to meet you, ma'am." "Oh, no, please..." "It really isn't necessary." "No, no." "Juney likes to keep herself in perspective, don't you?" " Yeah." "I think it's best." " You know Rodney, don't ya?" " Wotcha." " Wotcha." "He used to go out with my daughter Debby." "So you're an opera buff, are you, June?" "I saw one on BBC2. our telly had gone funny." "It was the only channel we could get." " That famous foreign bloke was singing." " Wonderful voice." "Oh, yes." "Very talented." " Great big fat git, weren't he?" " Couldn't half put a song across, though." "This is my most favourite opera, this one - "Carmen"." "Love it." "# Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!" "# It's wonderful." " That's from "The Barber of Seville"." " Of course it is." "I dunno what's the matter with me." "I always get those two mixed up." "Well, Carmen's a hairdryer, innit?" " Of course it is." " (BELL RINGS)" " Blimey, he's rung that early." " Yeah." "We've got time for another." " White wine and soda." "Juney?" " Benedictine and lemonade." "Excuse me." "The bell is to tell the audience that the performance is about to begin." " Yeah, we knew that." " Yeah." "We knew that." "I really think we ought to be taking our seats." " Right." "Well..." "May I?" " Thank you." "Come on." "(soft SINGING IN ENGLISH)" "(SLURPING)" "It's a blinding' opera, innit?" "It's all right, I suppose." "It don't get going, does it?" "It's not supposed to get going." "It's culture." "You don't come to an opera to enjoy it, you come 'cause it's there." " Oh." "I didn't know that." " Oh, yeah." "Shh!" " What's that about?" " I dunno." "Maybe someone's talking." "Yeah, maybe." "Some people have got no protocol, have they?" "I got a few Liquorice Allsorts." "Have you got one with hundreds and thousands on it?" " Only one." " Oh..." "Let's have a look." "Rodney?" " What?" " Do you want a Liquorice Allsort?" "No." " Vicky?" "Vicky." " No, thank you." "There's only a couple left." "We might as well finish 'em." "Not that one." "(RUSTLING)" " Where's Del?" " He's gone out to the ice cream lady." "Oh." "(SINGS "HABAÒERA:" "L'AMoUR EST UN oiseau REBELLE")" " Rodney?" " Shh!" " Rodney?" " We're over here, Del!" "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Ta." " Thanks, girl." "Excuse me." "Was that your foot?" " Yes." " Rodney?" " What?" " Do you want an ice cream?" " No." " I bought you one." " I don't want it." " Vicky?" " Yes?" " Do you want an ice cream?" " No, thank you." "I don't eat ice cream." " I bought it for you." " She don't eat ice cream." "I've never liked ice cream." "What am I supposed to do with these?" "You can stick 'em where the sun don't shine as long as you shut up!" "I am sorry." "I am so, so sorry." "It wasn't your fault." "I'm not blaming you and you shouldn't blame yourself." "I know, but... oh, God!" "Fresh air, madam." "You'll feel as right as rain." "Thank you, Doctor." "The Phantom of the opera strikes again." "Not the first time someone's been sick, eh?" "I don't know." "I haven't read a history of the building." " Fancy a bite to eat?" " No!" "I'm really not very hungry." " Is everything all right, Miss victoria?" " Not really, Eric, but not to worry." "Come on, Juney." "Let's get you back home." "I'm sorry about tonight, Delboy." "I dunno what come over me." "Nor did the woman in front of you." " Is this the shop you was on about?" " Yep." "When you said let's get clothes for my weekend," "I thought you meant we'd pop down to Soul Bros in Balham." "I didn't realise I'd have to dress like a wally." "I'm not having you going to Covington House decked out like a Bob Geldof lookalike!" "Have you had a look at yourself recently?" "I've seen wounds dressed better than you." "I'm not having anyone look down on you." "You're as good as them." "I appreciate that, Del, and thank you." "But a pair of green wellies will not turn me into Archduke Ferdinand." "I will be Rodney Trotter in a pair of green wellies." "That's another thing..." "Don't do that." "They're having a shooting party." "I disagree with blood sports." "Do me a favour." "You'll never hit a grouse." "They're fast." "Tell 'em you've got a wart on your trigger finger." "He ain't gonna say nothing about warts!" "The Duke would love that." "His only child marrying someone with warts." "Don't you say nothing about warts, Rodney." "I have to go, Sir Alan." "Something's just come in..." "I mean, up." "Goodbye." "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "May I help you?" " I hope so." "I wanna buy some gear." " I see." "And what is sir's pleasure?" "Well, birds and curry, I suppose, but I haven't come to chat." "I want you to tog him out for a country weekend." "'Acking jackets, stout brogues and all the Xs." "Got a monkey there." "That should cover it." "Yes..." "Yes, of course." "If you'd like to come this way, sir." "Come on, Rodney." "He's got some very strange measurements." " Pull!" " (GUNSHoTS)" " Good shot, Your Grace." " I was pleased with that, Patterson." " Are you hungry?" " No, thank you." " There's plenty to eat." " I'll have something soon." "Thank you." " What do you think of it so far?" " Very interesting." "I'm enjoying myself." "Thank you." "Rodney, you keep on saying thank you." " Do I?" " Yes." "I thought I'd mention it." "You don't mind?" " No." "Thank you for..." "Sorry!" " Don't mention it." " Thank you." "I said that one on purpose." " I know you did." "Have you ever used a double-barrelled before?" "Oh, a...?" "No." "I had an airgun when I was a kid." " Would you like to try?" " No, I'll just watch." "Come on." "Don't be an old stick-in-the-mud." "Daddy!" "Do you have a gun for Rodney?" "Yes, of course, darling." "Patterson, let's have that Purdey there." "Yes, Your Grace." " Have you done this before, Rodney?" " No." "I'll just watch." "Nonsense." "There's nothing to it." "This is what you do to load it." "Let off the safety catch." "Keep this closed in because of the kick, and get the two barrels." " Both eyes open, cover it and then fire." " Thank you, Your Grace." " Oh, Henry, please." " Henry." "Thank you." " Would you like these?" " Thank you." " What do I say?" " No!" "Put it down!" " What?" " Down!" "Get it up!" "Shut up, victoria!" "Up." " Down!" " Up, up!" "I'm sorry, but when you have a gun, you never point..." "I just realised what I did." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Probably my fault." "I should have told you." "Like that." "When you're ready, just say, "Pull" and then..." " All right?" " Pull." "Right." "Thank you." "Pull!" " Is he of a nervous disposition?" " Not as far as I know." "Shall I take that for you, sir?" "What?" "Oh..." "Thank you." " Well, that was a jolly good try, Rodney." " Thank you." " Are you all right?" " Yes, thank you." "You seem shocked." "It wasn't the gun, was it?" "No." "No, I'm fine." " I'll get you a drink." " Thank you." "Come on, where are ya?" "I know you're out there, you three-wheeled yellow..." "I'm sure it was there." "I saw it." "(DEL) Tally ho there, Rodders!" "(CAR BACKFIRES)" "Good morning." "Tally ho there." "Couldn't have picked a better day for it." " Go away." " Hello." "I didn't expect to see you here." " I didn't expect to see me here." " And I didn't expect to see me here either." "I was supposed to be down the Legion playing crib." "Instead, he drags me out to bloody Berkshire." "Cheers, darling." "I needed that." "It's lovely." "Let me explain what happened." "I was tidying up the flat and guess what I found in one of the wardrobes." "Only his evening suit." "I thought to myself, "He can't go to dinner dressed like that."" "So I drove it down here." "I see." "That was very nice of you." "Wasn't it, Rodney?" "Yeah." "Daddy..." "You bloody liar!" "I packed my evening suit." "I packed it myself, personally." " So how did it get back in the wardrobe?" " You took it out of my suitcase." " Why would I do that?" " So as you could bloody well come here!" "Daddy, this is Rodney's brother, Derek Trotter." "I'd like you to meet my father..." "No introductions necessary." "I recognise your photo from "The Sporting Life"." "How's Hansom Samson?" "Got over that sprain?" " Yes." "He's doing very nicely." " What about the Derby?" "Will he be trying?" "Trying?" "Mr Trotter, it's the Derby." "Everyone will be trying." "As long as I know where to put my money." "Victoria tells me you've driven down with Rodney's dinner jacket." " You must be exhausted." " I am cream crackered, Your Grace." "I'll mooch around till I get my strength back." "Yes." "Make yourself at home." "I'm sure Cook will provide you with something later." "Stay for dinner?" "Well, pas de deux." "As luck would have it, as I was getting Rodney's suit out, mine came with it." "So I've got all my gear here." "Dinner?" "Yes." "Patterson, will you set another place for dinner tonight, please?" " For this gentleman?" " Yes, Patterson." " Of course, Your Grace." " That's very civil of you." " (GUNSHoTS)" " Oh." "Would you mind if I had a pot shot?" "No, of course not." "Patterson, a gun for Mr Trotter, please." "No need, sir." "I have brought my own weapon." " Would you like these, sir?" " No." "I can't listen to music while I'm shooting." " Ready when you are, John." " D'you mean "Pull"?" "Sorry, Paul." "In your own time, my son." "I'll be all right when I get me eye in." " Where did you get that gun from?" " Iggy 'Iggins." " Iggy 'Iggins robs banks." " I know, but it's Saturday." "(GRAND CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)" "Look at that, Rodney." "What a sight, eh?" "Makes you proud to be British." "They know the difference between cucumber sandwiches and egg on toast." "All right?" "Splendid." "Derek..." "Del." "Listen." "I was nervous enough about this weekend and that was without you being here." "But you arrived and your presence alarms me." "What I'm trying to say is behave yourself, please." "All right." "I want you to know something." "No matter what happens tonight, I'm doing it for you." " What's gonna happen?" " Nothing." " What are you gonna do for me?" " Help you make a good impression." "Look at that." "You've got the creme de menthe of British nobility there." "There's no one down there lower than a dowager." "Do you want them to think we're just the hoi polloi?" "No." " We'll be on our bestest behaviour tonight." " So we are agreed on that, then?" "Right." "All right?" "Evening." "Evening." "Evening, dear." "Thank you, John." " All right, Henry?" " Good evening, Trotter." " Is that a da vinci?" " No, it's not a da vinci." "What a shame." "He's my most favourite artist." "That is a Pissarro." "I don't know." "I've seen worse." "Keep your eyes on those peas, Shirley." "There we are, Albert." "Thank you, Mrs Miles." "I'll give you a word of warning." "Don't give Mr Trotter any peas." "They'll go everywhere." "I'll tell Mr Patterson." "Who are your people, Albert?" " They're not people." "They're my nephews." " They're not of noble birth?" "The nearest them two have got to nobility was their Great-Uncle Jack." "He was a tobacco baron." "The noisy one's a fly pitcher and the young one's his apprentice." "So that's what you lot do." "Sell things on street corners." "Not me." "I was a career man." "I was in the navy for 30 years, man and boy." "The Battle of the Atlantic, Battle of the Pacific, Russian convoys." " You name it, I was there." " I bet you could tell a tale or two." " I never talk about it." " I understand." "Once we was in the South China Sea." "We knew there were mines about and..." "That little fella is knocking back the champers." "He's had three quarters of a bottle already." "He keeps talking about Leonardo da vinci." "It's like he knew him." "Patterson, give us a little toperooney, pal." "Cheers." "Go on, my son." "Thank you." "Del, leave that wine alone." "You ain't in the Star of Bengal now." "I'm just enjoying myself." "But when you enjoy yourself, nobody else does." "Trust me, Rodney." "We're reaching the point in the evening when I'm going to project you." "I do not want to be projected." "I want to stay extremely unprojected." "Henry, who's that young chap with victoria?" "Oh, just a friend she met in the street market." "She's going through her "working artist" stage." "Just like her mother, bless her." "Just a phase." "She's often bringing colourful characters down." "Do you remember that chap who looked like a gypsy, arrived with a stolen Escort?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, he beat up Patterson in the library." "Oh, yes." "Well, anyway, this chap..." "Roland - no Rodney, Rodney - he's an artist, too." " And the other fellow?" "His brother?" " (DEL LAUGHING raucously)" "He's the biggest artist of them all." "(DEL) Henry... is THAT a da vinci." " No." " Nice, though." "I think he's a little drunk." "He's always been a little drunk." " That was a blinding' meal, wasn't it?" " Yes." "Excellent." " Did you have the pheasant?" " Yes." " I had the quails with peas and gravy." " So you did." " Tell me..." "It's Trotter, isn't it?" " Yes, but my friends call me Del." "I see." "Tell me, Trotter, how do you come to know Henry?" "Who?" "Oh, Henry." "Yeah." "Well, his daughter - the pretty one in the blue - is getting engaged to my brother Rodney." " Engaged?" " Shh!" "Keep it under your "tarara"." "We don't want the media to hear." "Look at Andrew and Fergie." "They couldn't fart without there being a newsflash." "Eh?" "There he is." "Good man." "Oops." "You've drawn a blank there, your ladyship." "Your carafe will be coming." "You can have a slug of mine while you're waiting." "(ALBERT) I was in the life raft about 20 yards from him." "The current was so strong, I couldn't reach him." "It was awful." "That story will haunt me till the day I die." "I know the feeling." "These are nice." "What are they, Ravenhead?" "No." "Stowbridge Crystal." "It's been in the family for generations." " Put it down." " All right, all right!" "Look at that." "Craftsmanship, that." " Henry, this knife..." " It is not a da vinci." "Ah." "Solid silver, though, I'll wager." "Yes." "They were made by William Cordhill in 1648." "They've come up well, haven't they?" "Me and Rodney are involved in cutlery." "Well, it's canteens of cutlery par excellence." " I've got some in the van." "I could pop out." " Del." " Just leave it, eh?" " All right, all right." "Which part of London are you from, Rodney?" "Er, Peckham." "Really?" "Not too far from me." "I have a flat in Chelsea." "Rodney's taking me to Stamford Bridge to see soccer." "Oh, you're one of the faithful!" "I'm a Blues fan myself." "Have you taken a box?" "He doesn't need a box." "He's tall enough to see!" "(DEL BANGING on TABLE)" "(DEL LAUGHING)" "Rodney..." "Rodney had a great future as an athlete." "The headmaster of his university wanted him to go on to the olympics." "But he said no 'cause he wanted to concentrate on his business." "That is where his true talent lies." "I mean, he's a future whizz-kid." "He's got two GCEs." "This time next year he'll be a millionaire." "That's very nice to hear." "Which university were you at?" "Rodney was at an art college, Daddy." "In Basingstoke." "Basing...?" "Yes." "I've heard very good things about it." "How long were you there?" " Three weeks." " Oh." "Three... weeks?" "!" "I left for personal reasons." "Weren't his fault." "They weren't his drugs." "Listen, Trotter..." "Are you still staying overnight... or... or not?" "I want you and all your kith and kin out of my house and off my land now!" "You don't want to talk about arrangements?" " What arrangements?" " For victoria and Rodney's wedding." "Wedding?" "!" "What do you mean, wedding?" "Hang on, Henry." "Don't tell me no one's told you." "I hope I haven't spoilt a wonderful surprise." " A wonderful surprise for whom?" " For youm." "I thought we might make the announcements in the "Times"," ""Country Life" and the "Peckham Echo"." " What do you think?" " I don't believe what I am hearing." "My daughter is marrying no one." "In two months, she's going to America to do a year at the New York School of Art." "They'll probably take that in on their honeymoon." "Two months?" "We'll have to book the old cathedral." "The only thing you will be booking is a bed in intensive care." "Your brother is not" " I repeat, not - marrying my daughter!" "Just a minute, Henry." "We're not just a couple of yippedy-ois." "We know how to conduct ourselves." "There is a rumour that we are related to the Surrey Trotters." "I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters or to the Berkshire Trotters or to the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!" "I want that young man out of my daughter's life." "I dunno how." "That victoria seems pretty stuck on him." "I will unstick her." "Have no fear of that." "It's not going to be easy." "I know Rodney." "I can't think of anything that would make him leave her." "Well, when I say "anything", there's one thing." " And what's that?" " Hm?" "Why don't we go into your study and discuss it over a brandy?" "Come on." "In here." "Come on!" " What is that one?" " That's a bloody da vinci!" "Rodders." "Rodney, I was trying to make an impression." "You made an impression, Del." "It was similar to the impression the Americans made at Nagasaki." "Listen, Rod..." "Rodney." "Just a minute, will ya?" "For as long as I can remember, it's been you sticking your oar in!" "What about that time I joined the army cadets?" "Then you discovered the boy I shared a tent with had a relative in show business and that was the end of my military career." "I was gonna be a child star!" "I was straight into a tap-dancing school before I could say, "Who goes there?"" "That was just an embarrassment - just like tonight." "I was the only kid in that school who never had a proper set of tap-dancing shoes." "Only 'cause your army boots made more noise." "They made more noise all right." "I used to make "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" sound like the advance on Leningrad." "You see, you had to interfere!" "And now you've interfered between me and vicky." "You humiliated me." "You destroyed me in front of all them people." "And you ruined my opportunity of sharing a warm and friendly relationship with somebody I respected." "And on top of all that, Del." "On top of all that..." "I think I've broken my hand." " Eh?" "Let's have a look at it." " Get away from me!" "Leave me alone." "You even told the joke about the Irish bloke on the skiing holiday." "But do you know what the most painful incident was?" "His Grace called me into his study for a little chat." "Said he wanted me to stop seeing victoria." "Said he wanted me out of her life for good." "He even offered me money." " No?" " Yeah." " You can imagine how I felt." " Yeah." "Horrible." "You must have felt horrible." " I would have told him what to do with it." " I did." "Good boy..." "What?" "You said no to a grand?" "Yes, I did." "I still have some of my self-esteem left intact..." "How did you know he offered me a grand?" "Eh?" "How did you know he offered me a thousand pounds?" "It's the going rate to get a plonker out of your daughter's life." " You arranged it, didn't ya?" " No." "Not actually arranged it." "Them sort of people are looked after by the Special Branch and Ml6." "Don't you think that when they found out you'd got a conviction, if you'd refused, they would have sent a hit team?" "You would have been brown bread, brother." "A grand on the hip is worth more than a poison umbrella up your jacksie." "But you turned it down, you dipstick." "Yes, I did." "Del, I refuse..." "I refuse to become a lot in one of your auctions." "But you can't understand that." "You just can't understand." "Of course I can understand, Rodney." "Look, I'm sorry I hurt you, Rodney." "Don't hate me, brother." "I don't hate you." "I don't bloody like you." "Well, that'll do me, Rodney." "Put it there." "What are ya?" "What are ya, eh?" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street... #"