"TV ANNOUNCER (quietly):" "He approaches the green." "He thinks better of it and backs away two steps." "Three steps." "Wake up, girl." "You don't want to miss all the excitement." "(quietly):" "Wesley Tung is now three inches from the putting surface." "Electrifying." "Heart-pounding." "That grass was topped a few days ago, but it's still a bit thick." "A terrible challenge." "BILL (faintly):" "Hank, help me." "Help, Hank." "I'm just hearing things." "Right, girl?" "ANNOUNCER(quietly):" "This is an absolutely crucial chip." "BILL:" "Please, Hank, help Bill." "Help!" "(exasperated sigh)" "Help!" "(sighing):" "Not again." "Help me, Hank!" "I'm trapped!" "(wheezing)" "Thanks, buddy!" "I was looking for change under there, and I got stuck." "I'm ordering a pizza." "Hungry?" "No, and don't bring it to my house." "A gushing geyser of golf greatness." "Wouldn't you agree, Hank?" "I forgot, you missed it." "All told, a treasury of golden golf memories, but only for those who actually saw this storied golf." "You officially owe me one memorable sports moment." "Dang it." "Lately my scalp's been itching like crazy." "You, too?" "I thought my Spider-sense was tingling to warn me of danger." "Unless we both have Spider-sense." "Finally!" "We can talk about something besides who ruined whose golf-watching day." "(chuckling):" "My scalp is itchy, too!" "It's lice, you know." "What?" "!" "No, man!" "There's a lady in town who does lice treatment for school kids." "She's so pretty." "So, I stuck my arms into a big pile of hair we cut off some new recruits, and those little critters, they just hopped right aboard me." "If any of you guys know a better way to meet the lice lady," "I'd like to hear it." "You gave us all Ice, you disgusting he-freak!" "Uh, hi, Hank?" "(screaming)" "DALE:" "Boomhauer, your bathroom Is gorgeous." "Can I bring Nancy by tonight after dinner?" "Okay, everybody." "Heads in the tub." "Now, according to the label, all the lice should be dead, and our hair should be bouncy and manageable." "So, how's everybody feel?" "Man, dang ol' bunkered in, man." "Talkin' bout clean out now, man." "I got no dang end to this stuff, man." "(screaming)" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "(sighs)" "Yup." "Mm-hmm." "Gih... gih... gih!" "(screaming)" "(sobbing)" "Pull it together, Dale." "I don't want to have to put the plastic cone around your neck." "(sobbing)" "PEGGY:" "Hank, Ice are nothing to be ashamed of." "If it's nothing, why are you still wearing your shower cap?" "Am I?" "No..." "Why, so I am." "(nervous laugh):" "That is so funny." "I... well, I'll just take it off when I go outside, where it'll be easier to... take off." "That got-dang Bill." "Ever since Lenore left him," "I've done nothing but cut him slack." "He sleeps on my car, he's always stealing Ladybird's squeaky toys..." "Remember when he kept a chamber pot by his bed?" "(sighs)" "He keeps burying his porno in our backyard, and he..." "Well, I can't put up with it forever." "It ends today." "Yup." "Yup." "Yu-up!" "(sighs)" "Well, the lice lady's booked up for weeks... big epidemic at the Cub Scout jamboree." "She says the only thing we can do is shave our heads." "Ding!" "Better idea." "As an exterminator, I will take steps to spare us the shame of hairlessness." "(grunting)" "A mixture of malathion and lindane." "Fairly harmless, according to the government, which has been squirting it at you for most of your life." "Dang it, Dale, I don't like the whole head-shaving thing either, but..." "BILL:" "Yup!" "Get lost, Bill!" "Observe." "(humming)" "Simple enough." "Huh!" "And... tingling." "And... burning." "Itching, itching... burning." "And... blindness." "Intense burning." "Hank, get your hose." "Now!" "Hank!" "I want to play lawn games, too." "But nobody wants Blll's head on their lawn, oh, no." ""Bill has lice, he's no good."" ""Blibbity, blibbity bloo."" "I suck." "Huh... you usually get a case." "That's back when I had friends to share beer with." "Can I drink here?" "Nope." "(slurring):" "Just you and me, mailbox." "There you go, buddy." "Uh, sir, you can't do that." "(chuckling):" "Oops." "I'm sorry, Fuzz..." "Fuzzy." "All right sir, time to come downtown." "I've got a 1-4-9 on a 3-4-4." "(garbled radio transmission)" "Did you catch the North-side burglar?" "No, he's a drunk." "(exasperated):" "Is a 1-4-9 a burglary, Doug?" "You said 1-4-9?" "I thought you said "I got the burglar."" "No, he said 1-4-9." "Sorry." "I'm a little drunk." "I have always wanted to use one of these." "Bobby, don't you have something better to do than watch this?" "Oh, right..." "like I'm supposed to go do my homework when my dad is getting his head shaved!" "Let's get this done with." "It'll be one less thing to remind me of Bill." "(phone rings)" "Hank?" "Thank God you're home." "Well, where the hell else would I be?" "I'm sitting here getting my head shaved, thanks to you." "I'm in jail." "I fed a mailbox." "I only get one phone call and I called you... my bestest, oldest friend in the world." "You have to come down here." "(groans)" "No." "You're my..." "Hank!" "(sobbing)" "(whimpers):" "Oh..." "Nancy shaved me." "She did my armpits, too." "I feel so clean." "Hank!" "Boomhauer and me are shaved." "Are you shaved yet, Hank?" "Ooh, Hank, you are going to look awfully studly when I'm through." "(sighs)" "Hmm?" "What is...!" "Hank!" "Why have you never told me you have a tattoo?" "What?" "That's impossible." "I don't have a..." "I am looking right at it!" "Who is she, huh?" "Your first love?" "Some roadhouse tramp?" "!" ""Bill"?" "Bwaaagh!" "Got-dang it!" "How could this be here?" "Get off me!" "PEGGY:" "Hank, it's a tattoo." "You cannot rub it off with a washcloth!" "Got-dang it!" "How does a man lose track of the back of his own head?" "Ugh, a tattoo?" "I've been lying every time I donated blood." "(muttering gibberish)" "(sighs)" "'Watsa matter, buddy?" "I'm the matter." "I screw everything up." "All my friends are mad at me because I gave them lice." "You got lice?" "I also spit when I talk." "And I fart when I spit." "That's what makes the world interesting." "Hank?" "So, you're the North-side burglar." "Wait here a minute." "Nancy!" "Will you bring me a gun, please?" "Knock it off, Dale." "I need to ask you something serious." "Now, can you remember any reason why any of us might have ever gotten a tattoo?" "What kind of tattoo?" "Like a bar code?" "Because that would point to the Rand Corporation." "(groans)" "Good night, Dale." "Mr. Hill, I have to tell you, tattoo removal is very painful and time consuming." "Are you sure you can't work things outwith this "Bill"?" "I'm sure." "Oh, come on, what'd he do..." "forget your anniversary?" "Look at another guy with a little more hair?" "Bill is not my..." "anything." "I don't even know how it got there." "I just want it off my head now." "BILL:" "Sure, your fingers turn blue from the barbicide, but that's just part of the job." "You have a job?" "Sure." "Gotta pay the mortgage somehow." "You got a house?" "Well, yeah." "I got it in the divorce." "You were married?" "(gasping enviously)" "Guess we got a nickname for you... (slurring):" ""Hollywood."" "Well, if anyone can explain your tattoo, it'll be Boomhauer." "He figured out it was Dale who was stealing your paper, remember?" "Hey, man." "Little ol' Hank." "Peggy." "(laughs):" "Oh, man, you didn't." "Find a little ol' skin art, did ya, man?" "(laughing) Dang ol' Hank." "A dang ol' wild man." "All right, Boomhauer." "Spill it." "Tell you what, why don't you go ahead and relax?" "Sit down a speck, I'm gonna tell you a little story, man, 'bout a long time ago, in a dang ol' Arlen, far, far, away." "You know, talkin' 'bout a simpler time." "You know, man, bunch of crazy kids." "No bell bottoms, dang ol"..." "none of that "Disco sucks"..." "Talkln' bout back In the day, man..." "I can't believe Bill joined up." "Every time I exercise my freedoms," "I'll think of him protecting them." "(crying):" "I'll wait for you." "Boy, that's the third one today." "And none of them is going to miss him more than me." "Or me." "Or, dang ol'..." "dang." "Look at us, all mopey." "This isn't any kind of send-off for a soon-to-be war hero." "Road trip!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Big ol' D, man!" "Here comes." "Party!" "Dallas!" "Can we see where Lee Harvey Oswald was framed?" "Well, I just hope you fellas don't go and have too much fun while I'm gone." "We won't." "This is the last night of fun we'll have till you get back." "Now I want to be the first one to buy the Army man a drink." "The "Chainsaw." Huh." "Probably a hangout for the lumber industry." "(playing punk rock)" "HANK (slurring):" "Look out, enemies of America!" "Here comes our friend," "Private First Class, Bill Dauterive!" "The man!" "Yay!" "To Bill!" "Dang 'ol, man." "Play "The Gambler!"" "Come on, play "The Gambler!"" "♪ You got to know when to hold 'em ♪" "♪ Know when to fold 'em ♪" "(slurring):" "Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill." "Every time I go to the hardware store and the guy says, "Okay, here's your bill,"" "I'm going to say "No, it's not."" ""This is my Bill."" "Hey, jackass." "How'd you like to lose that finger?" "Whoa, whoa, there!" "You watch your language around GI Bill!" "Take it easy, friend." "Aren't we all just here to rock?" "(blowing raspberry)" "(punk rock music plays)" "Boomhauer!" "Get Hank out of here!" "So Bill saved my butt and I never even thanked him." "(laughs):" "Oh, yes, you did, man." "♪ Bill knows when to fold 'em ♪" "♪ He knows when to hold 'em. ♪" "(Dale retching)" "Boomhauer, stick with Hank." "It's going to be a while with Dale." "(weakly):" "I had a big dinner." "I tried to join up, too, but they didn't take me... (slurring):" "Narrow urethra." "Bill!" "Hey, man, d-dang... no, man." "HANK:" "Big, big letters, here to here" "B-l-L-L." "Bill!" "Okay." "(sighs)" "(moaning)" "(snoring)" "Hey, man, dang..." "dang ol' passed out cold, man." "L-let's d..." "let it go, man." "I accepted his money;" "he's getting his ink." "(groans):" "Dang it." "Oh, okay, man." "But let's not-not... across the dang ol' chest, man." "F-Find a d... someplace where the dang ol' sun don't shine, man." "You know, I've been talking about it like I thought you'd never know, man." "A dang ol' lice... threw in that dang ol' curve-ball, man." "Just like a got-dang ol' Sandy Koufax, man." "(sighs heavily)" "Yeah, I guess I forgot all about the Bill that Bill used to be." "I ought to kick my own ass." "You know, the real surprise here is that those poor lice could ever have survived off your cold, cold blood." "BILL:" "Mmm, Dr. Milford, be straight with me... what have I got?" "(deep voice):" "It's a heart murmur." "Tune in tomorrow." "Oh, no!" "Aah, what happens?" "!" "A heart murmur?" "!" "Hey, come on, fellas, you got to be patient, now." "Man, jail was a lot less fun before you got here." "William Dauterive?" "Time for your court appearance." "William Dauterive, $50 fine." "Don't do it again." "You're free to go." "Pay on your way out." "Excuse me, Your Honor." "What if I don't pay the fine?" "If you can't pay, you spend two days in jail." "I'm not paying!" "What?" "Whatever." "Two days in jail." "Thank you." "Bill, what the heck are you doing?" "What do you want?" "Did you come to mock me?" "No, Bill, I came to help." "Well, you're a little late." "I'm hanging up on you, like you did to me." "And I might stay here longer than two days." "I'll commit another crime." "Hell, I'll tell them I'm the North-side burglar." "They'll lock me up and throw away the key." "That'll show you." "Come on, Bill, you're being crazy." "Bailiff, escort me home, please." "Hey, I got an idea." "You tell the guys back in the cell" "I got electrocuted, then I'll jump out and surprise them." "Bill!" "Bill!" "No, wait!" "Bill!" "(siren wailing)" "Officer, I demand to see Bill Dauterive immediately." "If necessary, I'll be happy to fill out the proper paperwork." "Mr. Dauterive is refusing to see visitors." "He was quite specific." "I am not leaving this station until I get to see my friend." "Uh, sir, we really don't do threats around here." "Bill!" "Bill!" "I need to talk to you!" "BILL:" "Go away!" "TIM:" "Yeah, go away!" "Who are you?" "TIM:" "Who are you?" "!" "Now, get lost!" "We're busy!" "(men singling):" "♪ There's a hole, there's a hole ♪" "♪ There's a hole in the bottom of the sea ♪" "♪ There's a leg on the frog on the bump on the log ♪" "♪ In the hole in the bottom of the sea ♪" "♪ There's a leg on the frog on the bump on the log ♪" "♪ In the hole in the bottom of the sea ♪" "♪ There's a hole, there's a hole ♪" "♪ There's a hole in the bottom of the sea. ♪" "(singling continues)" "Yeah, the fat one keeps saying he might be ready to cop to those B  Es." "Hey, you want your pizza?" "Work on him until you get a confession." "(sighs)" "MAN:" "You know, the fat bald guy in the T-shirt wants to confess to all those burglaries on the North-side." "Really?" "So, Hollywood Dauterive wants to start doing some hard time." "(chuckling)" "Peggy, don't save dinner for me tonight." "I'll explain everything later." "But right now, I'm afraid I have to... break the law." "(sighing)" "I believe I'm in violation of the law." "Go ahead and arrest me." "Uh, sir, that's not officially a law." "Eh, it's just store policy, but I don't enforce it." "I'm not even wearing shoes back here." "You scratched the bumper sticker from my daughter's school, jackass." "Hey, brother." "MAN:" "Yeah, the guards let me have a tape recorder in here." "You want to hear what your confession would sound like, just for fun?" "BILL:" "Eh, I appreciate that." "I just don't want it to sound too rehearsed." "HANK:" "Bill!" "Bill!" "Hey, Bill." "Hank?" "What are you doing here?" "I came to help you." "Don't confess." "Well, why should some criminal get to go to jail and make me go back to my lousy life without any friends?" "I'm your friend, Bill." "Prove it." "Prove it?" "I've been your friend for 25 years." "Who talked you out of buying the houseboat?" "Who kept you from killing yourself after Lenore left you?" "Who listens to you for hours after you've had a nightmare?" "And I'm happy to do it because we're friends." "Heck, I even got myself arrested just so I could talk to you." "Huh." "Yeah, and it turns out" "I also had your name tattooed on the back of my head." "Really?" "Let me see it." "Uh, actually," "I just, kind of had it removed." "Very painful process." "Not because it wasn't a great tattoo." "But..." "Guard, I want to confess!" "Ow, dang." "Uh, sir, do you think I could have a moment of your time?" "(groaning):" "Gosh, that smarts." "If you want, I can frame it in barbed wire." "Or snakes." "(Bill humming)" "HANK:" "Bill." "Hey, Bill." "Now what?" "You, uh..." "you still got that mirror?" "Will you look at that?" "I especially like the smiley face over the "I."" "Wow." "That must've been incredibly painful." "Yep." "Yep." "Looks like you're out early on good behavior." "If good behavior is a factor here," "I cleaned the toilets and made the beds." "Sit down, baldy." "Your court date's not till noon." "Well, fellas, looks like this is it." "(men groaning)" "I promised myself I wasn't going to cry." "Gee, Bill." "But look at me now." "Later, Hollywood." "Hank, if you want, I can get myself locked up again to keep you company till noon." "No, no." "You've paid your debt to society, Bill." "Now I'll pay mine." "Okay then." "Okay." "Uh..." "Mr. Dauterive, you're free to go." "Uh... that's okay." "I'm waiting for a friend." "(men singling):" "♪ There's a hole, there's a hole ♪" "♪ There's a hole in the bottom of the sea. ♪"