"Falling in love is beautiful." "We do it for one reason: nothing in the world makes us feel so good." " Don't!" " "Don't!"" " That hurts!" " Oh, poor Kate." "Let me make it better." "You're ugly." "You're ugly!" "First love is the most powerful because no one's been hurt yet." "My first love was Bobby Norton." "Everything he did had a sort of magic to it." "The way he smiled, the way he talked, the way he walked like my favorite actor, Billy Jack..." "Bobby was a movie star." "You okay?" "Maybe you shouldn't shove so hard the next time." "My heart just got bigger." "When I look at you like this it looks like you only have one eye." "Thank you." "One of the many differences between men and women when it comes to love is the need to tell the world every little detail." "If you do choose to spill your guts to someone just make sure it isn't Becky Sussman." "Bobby, are you okay?" " How could you do it?" " What did I do?" "You told everybody." "How could you do that?" "All my friends are making fun of me and now it's over." "It's over!" "Bobby!" "I'll tell your friends I was lying!" "I'll let you hit me harder!" "Bobby." "Love is a minefield." "You take a step, get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step." "I guess that's human nature." "It hurts so much to be alone that we all rather blow up than be single." "Hey, Frank" "That doesn't make the elevator go any faster, Kate." "I know, but it makes me feel more involved." " Are you angry?" " No." "Why?" "I just heard this thing about single women tend to be 8 times angrier than married women." "Maybe you should write an article about that, since you're not married" "I would, but..." "I'm in the middle of writing an article on married bald guys who can't get hard without Viagra." " You're late." " I know." " Not a good day to be late." " Why not?" "Because the Anti-Christ is really pissed at you." "She wants to see you in her office right now." " Oh, god." "Why?" " I am not supposed to say." " Do you have any stretch marks?" " Not yet." "Damn!" "I have a deadline on my Vitamin E piece." "I know that whore from accounting has but she's not talking." "Does anybody have any stretch marks?" "Sit down." "Oh, god!" "Don't get old, Kate." "Old is ugly, ugly is death." " You're fired." " What?" "Get me Leo." "Was this a joke?" "Were you planning on turning on the article I assigned you after I write that one?" "You said I should make the article my own, so I did." "Kate, this is a step-by-step description of sucking cocks." "Right." "Actually, I called it "Blow by Blow"." "Very clever." ""When life sucks, so should you." "Oral sex can cure depression"." "What the fuck are you thinking!" "Maybe the title is a little harsh." "But I found a great hook, don't you think?" "When I said make it your own" "I meant draw off on your own experiences and relationships." "That's what I did." "I know ten times more about blow jobs than I do about relationships." "I failed at every relationship I've ever been in." "I don't know what's going on in your personal life and I really don't give a shit." "The point is, our readers still have hope." "This is called Monique Magazine." "My name is at stake here." "It is not called "Tired Old Jaded Dicksucker Review"." "What if Mary writes the piece on perfect relationships and I do the little thing on stretch marks?" "I know tons of people with stretch marks." "I'm gonna be completely honest with you here." "I can't cope with being fired." "This is the only thing in my entire life I haven't failed at." "I can do the assignment, I know I can." "Can you finish 2,500 happy, perky words by deadline tonight?" " Absolutely." " Then you are temporarily unfired." "Now get the fuck out of my office." "Shit!" "Shit!" "So were you fired?" "Not yet." "Somebody made a copy of your blow-job article and circulated it." "Pretty good." "So you use your hands?" "Happy, perky notes on how to find and keep that perfect man." "We all wanna be loved." "Sometimes it doesn't even matter who loves us, as long as they make us feel less alone." "What makes a relationship last forever?" "I guess if I knew the answer to that," "I wouldn't be living alone with my four cats." "They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince." "Richard Miltner was the most boring frog I ever dated." "Sometimes you just have to get out of the house." "You know, masculine and feminine" "We lucked out pretty good" "My mother's corns aren't usually this bad." "Lucky for us she wasn't able to walk well enough to come to the show." "It's haunting, don't you think?" "What?" "Well, the paintings." "They're pretty disturbing." " You think?" " if I had a kid" "I definitely wouldn't put one of these up his bedroom." "Unless I hated him." "My father would've hung stuff like this from my ceilings." "He hated me." "You know, my mother hated me too." "She used to tell me I was dying of cancer when I was four." "It always sent me to these deep depressions, which is exactly what she wanted because then I wouldn't ask her to make me lunch." "She hated it when I bugged her for food or stuff." " Would you like a champagne?" " What?" "A champagne." "Would you like one?" "Yeah, absolutely." "Are you looking for me?" "I wasn't really looking for anyone." "Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?" "Sure." "In the corner." " In the corner?" " I don't like the middle of rooms" "Just come with me to the corner." "Nobody is behind you in the corner." " Who's the guy you're with?" " What guy?" "Richard?" "He's a stand-up comedian." "He seems funny." "Is he your boyfriend?" "Richard?" "No He's 30 years old and he lives with his mother." "So what do you think of the paintings?" "I love the style, but I think they're a little immature." "Immature?" "What makes you say that?" "Look at that one over there." " What the hell is that supposed to mean?" " That?" "I think that one's supposed to mean that there's a woman pulling a severed head out of her ass." "What 's the point?" "What do I learn from it?" "Maybe that's it." "Maybe there's no point." "You're not supposed to learn anything." "I wonder what the artist looks like." "He must be pretty scary with shit like that coming out of his head." "Maybe he has a highly developed dark side that you might not be in contact with." "So how long did it take you to paint that one?" "Gosh, there you are." "I've been looking all over for you." "You are a doll." "Look at this!" "Thank you." "Richard, Adam Levy." " You're the artist!" " You're the lucky guy!" "We were just getting around and discussing our future children." "Right, but I don't think you're gonna have a future together." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me?" "If you had a future I would assume that you would need to see the person again." "You're not gonna be seeing her anymore 'cause she's my girlfriend now." " What?" " What?" "Well, from the moment we laid eyes on each other we had this immediate spark." "Isn't that right..." " Kate." " Isn't that right, Kate?" "No, actually." "Is this some kind of joke?" "No, but this is:" "two guys walk into a bar." "One guy is a 3O-year-old stand-up comedian who lives with his mother." "Could we go now, please?" "You know, it is women like you who turn men into weirdos." "Don't bother." "Once I've been hurt, there's no turning back." "That wasn't cool." "As I did I made it weird." " You shouldn't have done that." " I know." "So where should we eat?" "You are without a doubt the tallest woman I've ever met in my life." "Really?" "Can I see you hands?" "I've been noticing that you just have these long ET fingers." "Like a tree frog." "Oh, my God!" "How big?" " Size 11." " Size 11?" " Yeah, size 11." " Woman's size 11?" "Is this some kind of artist thing?" "Focusing on people's flaws?" "I don't see them as flaws," "I see them as God's little artistic choices." "So, I guess God decided to give you this abnormally large head." "You know what's different?" "Because you're being shitty and mean and I was celebrating your body, who you are." " You were celebrating my body?" " Yeah, I was." "I like this part of the relationship normally." "And what part is that?" "When it's new, you know." "You have to ask all the fun questions." " Right." " Let me first." "What's your relationship like with your dad?" "My dad's dead." "He was hit by a car in front of me when I was six." "Oh, God." "I'm so sorry." "I don't..." "Just kidding." "We get along great." " Any brothers and sisters?" " it's my turn." "No, I've taken your turn away." "Any brothers or sisters?" "I have three older brothers." "How many women have you slept with?" "Excuse me?" "Come on." "It's not like you haven't counted them." "How many?" " How many men have you slept with?" " Not that many. 13." "13?" "As like 13 different guys?" "Spread out over the years, that's not so many." "Aren't you gonna answer the question?" "Two, okay?" " Two?" "That's it?" " That's it." "Some of us actually believe in having full relationships." "I believe in relationships." "Mine just happen to be short ones." "I'm sorry." "You're like a whore." "Excuse me?" "You are. 13!" "Jesus Christ!" "Give me a break!" " Were you popular in high school?" " What do you think?" " I guess that's a "no"." " I don't really need this shit." "I happen to have been very popular in high school." "I was an artist." "I used to draw all the pretty girls." "I used to make them look even better than they did." "They all loved me." "No, they didn't sleep with me, but they loved me." "How about you?" "You were probably real popular with that attitude." "No, I had huge buck teeth and bony knees and I slouched 'cause I was trying to hide the fact I hadn't grown any boobs yet." "And my hair was all stringy and everybody called me Horseface." " Horseface?" "That suits you." " You think so?" " Oh, I like it." " You like it?" "What's the longest kiss you've ever had?" "The longest kiss?" "But you know what?" "Don't tell me." "It'll just make me jealous." "Just make sure this one's longer, okay?" "Adam was unlike any guy I'd ever known." "We were instant best friends." "Two people who understood each other without having to say a word." "It wasn't like that at all in my first relationship." "I guess it was sort of a bad idea to give up my virginity to my high-school French teacher." "if two people want to be a couple of them it is good when they are making love with each other, because they feel nice." " What?" " Let's make love." "We will, Mr Bossard." "I promise." "I don't think I can tonight though." "I'm not really ready yet." "Because you feel we don't have the quality of life together with each other." " I am sad for this." " What?" "Let's make love, cheri, please I'm waiting for so long." " Will it hurt?" " Do not be scary." " I am there for you needing me" " What?" "Mr Bossard..." " Are you doing it?" " Oui." "I can't believe it." "It was supposed to hurt." "Maybe it's because I've ridden horses all my life." "Are you smaller than most guys?" "My older man daddy phase continued on past high school and right into college." "I was not a very evolved person by the time I ran into Eric." "Are you okay?" "Are you blind?" "Are you out of your mind?" "What is wrong with you?" "This is a brand new car!" "You could've killed me!" "What are you doing?" " I said I'm sorry, alright?" " This is 500 dollar shirt!" " I didn't see you." " You didn't see me?" "Were you painting your fucking toenails?" "Listen, fuckface!" "I didn't see you!" "I didn't wake up this morning and then go" ""Today is the day I'm gonna crash into some fucking uptight yuppie!"" "You know what, lady?" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" " There!" "Did You see that?" " How's that?" " Take that!" " Okay, break it up!" " Officer, I..." " Shut up!" "Hands behind your back!" " Hit him with your big stick!" " You!" "Get up there!" "You know, I think we got off on the wrong foot." "The wrong foot?" "You just beat the shit out of my car!" "I'm sorry about that." "Maybe we could start over again." "You got any plans for dinner tonight?" "You know, after we make bail?" "So, this is where writers hang out." "What do you write about?" "I'm working on a novel between my journalism classes at UCLA." "A novel?" " What's it about?" " Death." "That sounds interesting." "So what do you do?" "I work a lot with Big Red-Ass Monkeys." "It's a band, you know?" "Do you know the band?" ""Big Red-Ass Monkeys are here" I direct music videos." "Isn't that the one where the naked girl swims with a chimp?" "Ape." "Great ape." "Right." "I guess chimps don't have those big red asses." "I don't know, I never checked." "Do you think maybe I could kiss you?" " Maybe later." " Maybe later, when?" "Maybe later, like in 5 seconds." "5, 4, 3, 2" "I hate when that happens." "A toast to our three-week anniversary." "I think this is the longest relationship I've ever been in." "Well, not counting Mr Bossard, which lasted one semester." "Did I ever tell you?" "Could we not talk about your high school French teacher?" "It really disturbs me." " Okay." " Good." "So, what about your last relationship?" " Oh, god." "What about it?" " Well, how long was it again?" " Five miserable years." " What did you have in common?" "Nothing." "What do we have in common?" " We have a lot in common." " Like what?" "Like, how many people do you know who can confortably have sex in public places?" "Every guy I've ever met." "Good morning." "You know what day today is, don't you?" "Sunday morning." "My turn." " I thought it was my turn." " Nope." "It's my turn." "You know what?" "This game is idiotic." "it's not spontaneous." "It's scheduled." "That's not true." "Scheduled spontaneity is the key to long-term love." "Don't look so happy." "I like Sundays." "Careful, careful." "I'm not getting that." "They can wait." "Come on." " You get it or you're not getting it." " I can't get it." "Alright." "I'll be back." "Don't lose your concentration, okay?" "Where you going?" "Now you want some, don't you?" "Just hold that thought, okay?" "Daddy!" " Guess what I did at Kiddieland?" " We're gonna go." "Come with Mommy." "it's not what it looks like, I'll explain Nell, wait!" "Nell!" "Kate, I can explain!" "Will you come back?" "Will you stop?" "Stop!" " What are you?" " I understand how you feel." "You have no idea how anyone feels." "You're a social climber!" " I'm planning on getting a divorce." " Don't ever touch me!" " Kate!" " Daddy!" "Even when bad relationships end the pain can be severe enough to screw you up for years." "We all pick up a little baggage after every breakup." "The hope is that when the bags start to accumulate we're still able to drag them into the next relationship." "Fortunately when Adam and I moved in together my carry-on baggage was fairly light." " Let's put that one in the bedroom." " I was gonna put "Paul's Entrails"" "No, it's better for the bathroom." "If you want to be obvious." "Okay, whatever you want." " I love you, Horseface." " I love you too." "I mean I love you more than I've ever loved anybody ever in my life." "Where are you going?" "Oh, god." " Okay." "Say it." " Why do you want me to say it again?" "Because it was cute and I want that cute moment saved forever." "Honey, it's not gonna sound cute." "It's gonna sound forced and I'm irritated so could we just...?" " Just say it." " I love you." " Horseface!" " I love you, Horseface." "I love you too." "Now strip." " Strip?" " Strip." " Put the toy away and we'll..." " Come on." " Don't poke the bear in the zoo." " Come on." " Don't poke the bear in the zoo." " Take it off." "Come on." " Don't poke the bear in the zoo." " Whip it out." "When you finally get to share your lonely bed with the one you love life just doesn't get any better." " That was not me." " Stop." "Stop it." "That's the first time you..." "That was your first fart." "That was your first fart." "You do love me." "Don't blame it on me." "That was so cute." "You're embarrassed." "Come here." "No woman has ever farted in front of me before." "Hi." " Hi." " What?" " What?" " Why are you smiling at me like that?" "Because it's our one-year anniversary." "You should be smiling too." "I guess so." "Come here." "Come on." "No, come here." "Are you a grouchy little bunny?" "I'm taking you to some place very special today." " Where?" " it's a surprise." "Go fill me the tub and I'll take you." "Now, in the middle of the day?" "I'm feeling very, very dirty." "I need a tub." "Forget it." "Can you just fill me a tub?" "Come on, you big grouch, just go." "My God, it's like pulling teeth with you to get anything." "Oh, my God!" "Are you insane?" "What are we gonna do with all these kitties?" "I don't know Make stew, I figured." "What are they doing in there?" "They like you, obviously." "This one's Louie, this one's Murray." "This one is Steve and this one is Mordechai." "I got them from the Chinese restaurant." "Hi, Mommy." "Hello." "Aren't I cute?" "Hi." "You are my new mommy now." "Bet the other 13 guys you slept with didn't get you a litter of kitties" "I'm pregnant." "You're really?" "I took a little stick test this morning and it turned pink." "Pink?" "isn't it supposed to be like a plus sign?" "Believe it or not, Adam, I know how to pee on a stick and read directions." " I thought we were being safe." " Yeah." "It's not safe enough." " God." "We hardly know each other." " We know each other." "I just don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, Adam." "I'm too confused, too immature, too messy." "What about abortion?" "Did you ever think about that... possibility?" "I just never thought this would happen to me." " I don't know what to do." " Here, come here" "Don't worry." "A lot of people would think this is the world's greatest anniversary present." " What do you think?" " I'll tell you what I think." "I think that our baby would be the cutest little thing that ever walked around in poo-poo pants." "Won't you be scared?" "Of what?" "Of doing the most natural thing in the world?" "Of bringing a gorgeous little brilliant genius into the world?" "No." "I wouldn't be scared at all." "What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius?" "What if it was an ugly little troll?" "Well, I guess we just have to pray to God that the baby takes after me." "We could name it Ned, right after my grandfather." " What if it's a little girl?" " Nedina, we'll call it." "This one needs to be changed." "I want you to practice and show me how a good mommy you're gonna be." "God, my stomach is huge!" "I look like Buddha." "You're the same as you've always been." "So I've always had a Buddha gut?" "Calm down." "You've been pregnant a month." "The baby's the size of a sea monkey." "Pretty soon you'll look like swallowed a Volkswagen." "Yeah, but you have an abnormally large head." "Come on, Horseface, get over here." "Come on." "Let's see what we got here." "Ned says he wants a womb with a view." "Ned's not very funny." "Well, Ned's just a fetus We should cut Ned a little slack." "And I think you're more beautiful than ever." "Are you okay, baby?" "Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" "I'm bleeding." "Something is wrong." "Something is going wrong." "Get up." "Get up." "Where's your robe, baby?" " Where's your robe?" " I don't know." "Do you think it's possible to love the same person forever?" " Sure." "Don't you?" " I don't know." "I haven't seen a relationship that didn't end one way or another." "What about your parents?" "They've been together 35 years" "Yeah, they've lived in the same house for that long." "I don't think they've said "I love you" for at least 20 of those years." "Maybe that's human nature." "You spend that much time around a person saying "I love you" is probably just like saying "cheese sandwich"." "God, I hope not." "Katie..." " I cheese sandwich you." " I cheese sandwich you too." "The longer you're with the same person, the more annoying they'll become." "You'll become annoying too." "So if you want everything to be perfect all the time don't bother having a relationship." "Did you see that little old lady?" " Didn't she look sad and lonely?" " I didn't look." "I need some shoes." "Her eyes were so hollow." "She old." "Old people have hollow eyes." "Especially old women." " What?" " Can we go in here?" "What do you mean, especially old women?" " Women don't age as well as men." " How could you say that?" "How many 50-year-old women do you see with 20-year-old guys?" "That's a societal double standard." "That's got nothing to do with facts." "Who looks better, Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?" "It is nature." "Men have thicker skin." "That's why women wrinkle more." " Shut up." " You're afraid of becoming obsolete." "At a certain age men start to notice younger girls it freaks you out" "You know, you're going bald!" "I have the keys!" "Where are you going?" "I got one." "What do you have?" "This is one about topless female ninjas." "Let's just get one. 'Cause we'll forget to return them and it will be like 800 dollars for two movies." " And which one do you want?" " "Nosferatu"." "You've seen it 50 times, and every time you get depressed." "I like being depressed." "It makes me feel deep and introspective." "Wanna see what this is about?" "Maybe you might like it." ""Nasty naked ninjettes infiltrate the mob and take over little Italy nunchacking their way to Mafia Don Guido Mantucci"" "That sounds incredible." "Why do you have to come it?" "You think I wanna go home and snuggle and read subtitles and watch in black and white?" "Can't we ever go to a goddamn video store without getting into an argument?" "Not as long as you have such shitty taste in movies." "I don't have shitty taste in movies!" "How can you not appreciate German Expressionism?" " I love German Expressionism." " Right." "What I don't like is what you turn into when you watch that damn movie." "You get all fixated on death "I'm gonna die, you're gonna die"" "Fine!" "You watch your stupid titty movie, I'll watch my death movie." " You return yours, I'll return mine." " Fine." "it's her birthday." "One of these should be free." "Romance." "The most important part of keeping a good relationship going." "Be sure to treasure each one of those moments you share together in bed." "We haven't had sex in a while." "We haven't had sex in like three weeks." "You're not even listening to me." "No, I wasn't." "I said we haven't had sex in like three weeks." "Maybe it's because you clip your toenails in our bed." "What's the real reason?" "I don't know." "Do you want to have sex right now?" "No." "Do you?" "No." " Is there something wrong with us?" " I don't know." "Maybe we should force ourselves." " What, like mutual rape?" " It might turn us on." " I'm tired." " Me too." " Love you." " Love you too." "Don't do that." "You know how much that bugs me." "I said don't!" "If you do that one more time, I'm gonna scream." "I think it's over." "What's over?" "Us." "I think we're done." "What are you saying?" "I think I need to break up." "What did you just say?" "I said I think we should break up." "No." "You said you need to break up." " What's the difference?" " There's a huge difference." "Saying "we should break up", that implies it is somewhat mutual." "If you need to break up, that means you're ending it." " Are you ending it?" " I don't know." "Yeah, I guess so." "Have you met someone else?" "No, nothing like that." "It's just I feel like we're just turning into this old married couple." "Oh, god." "It's the 13th guy thing, isn't it?" "That's what it is!" "You've been obsessed with my past since our first date." "Now you're gonna start reckoning TD" "Will you shut up about that?" "It's not the 13 guys, okay?" "I'm over that, I've dealt with that." "It's a non-issue, I promise you." "Then why?" "Why now?" "I don't know." "It's just that I've never been single." "I've spent my whole life going from one relationship to another." "And I've never been alone." "Do you realize what you're saying?" "Do you realize what this means?" "What does this mean?" "It means this is it, the end." "And once it's over, it's over." "Yeah, I guess so." "But it's not like we won't still be friends." "Who said anything about being friends?" "We love each other." "I don't wanna lose you from my life." "You should know that when you get to number 13" "I won't be sitting here waiting for you." "Will you give that up?" "It's not about that, okay?" "This thing isn't working for either of us." " You're not happy, are you?" " No, I'm not happy." " So neither of us are happy." " You're right." "I'm miserable." "Could you stop?" "You're packing my laundry now." "Breaking up would be the best thing in the world for me!" "You know what?" " I feel good." "No, I feel great." " Come back to bed." "Already it's like a 5 million pound weight has been lifted off my head." " Can't this wait?" " I can breathe, I can think." "All of a sudden life is clear." "it's amazing!" "I am so happy!" "When I look back at the love I had with Adam" "I see a pathetic potted plant that nobody bothered to water." "It started out green and lush, then eventually became a dried up little brown stick." "Breaking up is like dying, slowly, with nobody around." "That's why it's so important during that dark period to keep yourself busy doing the things that don't depress you." "Fuck me!" "Jesus!" "Kate!" "I can't believe it." "Our relationship hasn't even started decomposing yet." " Who's this?" " She's my friend Kate." "Kate, this is my friend Peaches." "This must be the friend that you just broke up with." "And this must be the friend you just started fucking!" "Wait, wait." "Peaches?" "My God!" "What the fuck is that thing on your face?" " Just keep your voice down." " What are you doing here?" "This is my movie!" "You came to my favorite movie to make out with someone called Peaches?" " How dare you!" " I wanna call you." "Can I call you?" "No." "I'm gonna get over you." "And when I do, I'll call you." "That could take days." "Okay, let's see here." "That's hideous." "Here you go!" "Kate, how about this?" "No." "That makes me look like a drug addicted hooker." "I wanna look great." "Like a drug addicted model." "I don't see what the big deal is." "It's only his birthday party." "Adam's gonna be there." " Aren't you over him yet?" " Of course I am." "I just want him to die a thousand deaths when he sees me with Jerome Davis tonight." "Jerome Davis?" "Wait a minute." "The perverted basketball player who was obsessed with your ass?" "He was?" "Kate, you've got a great ass." "You're a big woman." "but your ass is small and compact to fit your size." "And yet if you would take your ass and put it on your little friend over here that'd be fucking huge." "That's it, I'm gone." "Oh, god!" "Thought it was you." "I didn't expect to see you here." "I didn't know Sam invited you." " No." "Mary invited me." " Mary?" "Of course." "That's great." "It's nice to see you." "I haven't seen you in a while." "I've missed you." "Yeah, it's been a long time." " I'm sorry." "Hi, I'm Adam." " What's up, Ad?" "Jerome." "it's not "Ad", it's "Adam"." "What's up, Jer?" " Why don't I give you a call tomorrow?" " Don't make this a weird thing." " I'll give you a call tomorrow." " Give me a call." "Give me a call or page me, 'cause my shit's blowing up now." " Why don't you call me?" " I will." "I'm running around a lot Star 82 so I know it's you 'cause I'm screening." " That was really weird last night." " I know, that was really weird." " So are you in love?" " I think I should be asking you that." "Why should you ask me that question?" "Because you couldn't keep your tongue out of that Lolita's mouth last night." "Don't tell me about tongues, it looked like Michael Jordan was gonna suck your tonsils out of your throat." "Where did you find that guy anyway?" " Let's just not get into that." " You're the one who's bringing it up." " I'm ready to be mature." " Me too." "Absolutely." "How could you go with that freak of nature?" "How could you go with such a bimbo?" "Savannah is not a bimbo She happens to play the harp." "Excuse me." "A bimbo savant." "At least I'm not having a fucking hot tub party with Dennis Rodman." " I can't believe you're jealous." " I'm not jealous." "I don't like her, I don't love her." "I'm hardly ever gonna see that girl again." " I was waiting for you." " Noon it was supposed to be." "My harp lesson ended a little early I bought myself some new underwear." " I'm Savannah." " Kate." "I know." "Adam told me all about you last night." "Really?" "Why don't you go back to the coffee shop and wait for me?" "I'll be there at noon." " Go get me a mochaccino." " Okay." "Nice meeting you, Cynthia." "it's "Kate"." "I meant Kate." "Bye." "Noon." " I didn't feel good, that felt really bad." " I know, I'm sorry." "No, don't be." "It's the kind of thing we have to get used to." "I have to go and throw up now." "Kate, I miss you so much." "You're my best friend." " I only feel normal around you." " I know." "Hopefully over time this is all gonna work out." "It will." "We just have to let go of those old feelings we had for each other." "Fine." "So this Jerome guy, was he just like huge?" "I just wanna know like I was a friend." "Is that bad for a friend?" "Was it like, "nice surprise big" or "you better take me home now" big?" "Was it like "I'm in over my head"?" "Was it "I'm in over my head" big?" "As you move on in your search for love sex is the fastest way to erase the past." "Promise you'll never leave me." "I promise." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Great." "The only sex I've had in months and it's with you." "Being single again may be difficult, but it can also be empowering." "After my breakup I got out of the house as often as I could going to places that took my mind off my loneliness." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for sort of a joke gift for a friend's birthday." " What's the kinkiest stuff you have?" " Depends." "Do you mean kinky-up-the-butt or just white-bread kinky?" "Just white-bread kinky, please" " Third aisle." " Thank you." "it's a butt plug." "Some guys like to put it up their butts." "Great." "Thanks." "So, what's a nice girl like you doing at Earl's Pornorama?" "I'm here to buy a joke gift for a friend of mine, okay?" " I'm not here to talk to strangers." " Why are you so nervous?" "Are you attracted to me?" "God, that is so arrogant!" "I just happen to be a little uncomfortable because I'm picking up plastic dicks with some guy." "Wait a minute." "Don't I know you?" " Could be." " Oh, god." "Aren't you that guy in movies with the topless ninja girls?" "Yeah." "I've done a lot since then." "That was some earlier stuff." "I'm..." " I'm Joey Santino." " I know." "My ex-boyfriend forced me to watch all your movies." "Forced you to?" "Well, he loves you." "Well, not after we fall in love." "He won't." "Oh, no." "I don't date actors." "Joey wasn't very bright but I loved his innocence." "I was going through my non-judgmental phase and didn't wanna push people away for saying the occasional stupid thing." "I love you." " We've only known each other for 14 hours!" " I know." "I loved you in the first hour, but I waited 13 more to tell you." "No, you just think you're in love with me because we've been having sex non-stop." "How can you be so cynical?" "I've never felt this way in my entire life." "You're the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me." "You see?" "That's why I don't date actors." "And you don't have to say you love me back." "Because I just want you to know how I feel." "That's all." "Unless you want to." "I won't stop you from saying that you love me, if you want to." "I like you a lot though." " Hello." " It's me." "Hey, Adam." "What's up?" "Nothing much." "I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks." "Wanna grab some dinner tomorrow night?" "That's so sweet." "But I can't, I'm going out." "What about Friday?" "Wanna see a movie on Friday?" "No, I can't." "I'm going to Malibu for the weekend." " Malibu?" "What's in Malibu?" " A big beach." "I saw that in a Thomas Guide once." "Who are you going with?" "Just some guy, you don't know him." "He's got a house over there." " You like him?" " What's with all the questions?" "No reason." "I just want to know if you like this rich Malibu guy." "Yeah, I like him." " Do you like him a lot?" " Yeah, he's nice." " Hello?" " Do you love him?" "I think so, yeah." "We've been together every day for the last couple of weeks." "That's great for you." "You know what?" "I gotta run." "'Cause I got a date with an actress." "You know." "I'll call you when I get back and have lunch or something." "Sure, great." " I can't take it." " What?" "I cannot." " I can't take it." " Just get in here." "I thought I was over you." "I thought I was done." "Oh, god, this is horrible!" "Don't go to Malibu." "Please." "Are you out of your mind?" "This is a joke, right?" "This is not a joke." "This is not." "What's wrong with you?" "You've been dating women nonstop since we broke up." "This is the first guy I've even gotten close to in an entire year." "I know." "I was wrong." "I was silly." "I was stupid." "I was wrong." "I didn't know how I felt about you until right now." "What happened to the date with the actress?" "It's canceled, it's over." "God, you shouldn't have 'cause Joey's on his way." "Joey?" "His name is Joe?" "How could you date a guy named "Joey"?" "Please, don't date him any more." "Let's get back together again." "I love you." "Let's have babies." "Will you stop acting like an insane person?" "Why don't you go home and relax or something?" " I love you." " No." "Go on your date, you'll be fine." " Could you just tell me one thing?" " What?" "What's his last name?" "Just tell me his last name." "Santino." "Santino." "That's like Joey..." ""Joey Santino", the actor?" "My the titty ninja?" "You fucking hate him!" "Actually he's really a very good actor." "Clearly you haven't seen any of his later work." "What the fuck are you talking about, his later work!" "Motherfucker!" "Oh, my god!" "You're kidding me!" "How could you...?" "Adam, you have to go." " You weren't supposed to fall in love." " Quit being such a hypocrite." "I'm a guy!" "I fuck!" "I don't fall in love!" " Maybe you don't." " You think Mr Italian fucking... he's fucking you, he loves you?" "I don't think so!" " Whatever." " I'm fucking out of here, alright?" "Fucking horseshit!" "Don't fucking call!" " Are you Miss Kate Wells?" " Yeah." "I have a message for you from Adam Levy." "Even though we're only pals only pals, only pals" "I don't like the other gals you're my baby." "Don't go out with that dumb guy that dumb guy, that dumb guy if you do I'll start to cry you're my baby." "Mr. Levy would like you to have an autographed picture of himself." "and this -hold on, it gets better" " Cheese sandwich." " Thank you." " Hello." " Did the little guy sing?" "What do you think?" " You got my picture up?" " Adam?" "Next to the boys?" "Yes, I got the sandwich and I got your picture." " Could you just stop torturing me?" " Come over." "Get rid of him." "We'll sport, we'll spoon, we'll do it all." "We'll lay around like walruses all day." " Adam..." " What are you wearing?" "God, it's beautiful here." "Are you talking to me?" "Are you talking to me?" "There's nobody else here." "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" " De Niro!" " Right." "De Niro is the best." "I swear, I love him." "He's..." "De Niro." "Yeah." "He's a good actor." "Good?" "Good?" "I mean, we're talking about Robert De Niro here." ""Good"." "Come on." "He's a..." "Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are good." "Asparagus is good." "De Niro, he..." "I mean, like "Cape Fear"." "Counselor, come out, come out wherever you are." "I know you, you piece of shit!" "I'm better than you all!" "I can outlearn you, I can outread you," "I can outthink you, and I can outphilosophize you." "And I'm gonna outlast you!" "That's good, right?" "And "Raging Bull", which is the greatest performance of all time." "You're gonna get me down, Ray." "You're gonna get me down." "Are you all right?" "I know the Heimlich." "Why are you trying to ruin my relationship?" "Your nose is so cute." "You've never tried to get me back before." "What ego trip are you on?" " Can I kiss it?" " What!" " Your nose." " Stop screwing up my life." "I'm involved with somebody else." "Marry me?" "Please." " Are you listening to me?" " I get it, don't worry." "I broke up with you because I was inexperienced." "You were the third relationship I was in." "How was I supposed to know that was gonna be the one?" "You had it so easy compared to me." "I was number 14 for you." "You were number 3 for me." " Look, you can't..." " Just marry me." "I'm sorry I screwed up." "I can't live with this kind of mistake in my life." "Don't you see?" "This is really bad timing." "You can't just wait until I'm heavily involved with somebody else and propose marriage or profess your love to me." "I'll change." "How does that sound?" "We're gonna make up a contract and everything you don't like about me, I'm gonna change." "Death penalty." "You're against it, I'm for." "I'm against it now." "We're gonna do candlelight vigils at the prison." "I don't want you to change." "You know what?" "You're right." "I'm not gonna change." "I'm enough." "And I learned that from you." "We're gonna fly, take trips, I'm gonna go to therapy, I'm gonna get over my fear of planes and we're gonna go any place you wanna go." "Adam, stop it." "Stop it right now." "Alright." "Let me just ask you then." "Just straight out, all kidding aside." "Katie, will you marry me?" "No." "I won't torture you anymore then." "If you're happy, I'm happy you're happy." "I made you miserable and I'm sorry." " I just wanted you to know something though." " What?" "I can't be friends." "I'm just too weak." " Adam." " I can't even be around you." "You're sitting here and you're like this incredibly juicy ham sandwich that I just wanna stuff in my mouth and I can't because my lips are sewn shut." " That's a pretty analogy." " You know what I mean." "Have a nice life." "Don't say that." "You know we'll see each other again." "Yeah, right." "Is infatuation love?" "No." "But it feels like it is." "All those chemicals pumping through your brain can turn every word he says into poetry." "Did I ever tell you what I used to do with my little brother?" "Whenever he did something I didn't like, I'd put dog shit under his pillow" "I said "Jimmy, let's play hide and seek." "Put your head under the pillow and count to 20"" "Half of the time he'd get to 10 before he realized what happened." "That sounds pretty stupid." "Jimmy?" "No." "He's the smartest one of us, Kate." "He's a lawyer now." "Now you remember me?" "Relationships that are based entirely on sex end the minute the sex gets boring." "So if you want it to last beyond boring sex you'd better try to connect on a deeper level." "I brought us some cheese sandwiches." "Thanks." "Do you think people can stay passionate about each other forever?" "Yeah." "As long as they work on the relationship and don't get fat." "I wonder." "I'm not sure it's natural." "I'd like to think it's possible though." "I think that, over time, we all tend to take each other for granted and after the years of staying together saying "I love you" is like saying "cheese sandwich", you know?" "Do you know that Robert De Niro is lactose intolerant?" "After the infatuation chemicals in my Brain stopped multiplying" "I began to get over my non-judgmental phase." "Joey and I were gonna have a real conversation if it was the last thing we do." "I'm gonna die." " Are you listening to me?" " What?" "I'm gonna die." "When?" "Someday." "We're all gonna die, okay?" "Watch the movie." "Doesn't that bother you?" " I don't think about stuff like that." " Why not?" "Kate, look, we're in the middle of the movie." "That's when I think about death the most." "I look at all these people staring straight into the darkness." "That freaks me out." "Don't you get that?" "No, okay?" "I don't get that." "Why should I get that?" "I don't wanna get that." "Well, see?" "That's the problem." "When two people are together they're supposed to get each other." "You don't get me, I don't get you!" "What?" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "You know what my problem is?" "I'm a floater." "I float through life like a corpse on a river bumping into rocks and logs." "I don't choose my path." " Shut up!" " I just bump into stuff like you." "I bump into you in a porno store, Boom!" "I have sex with you." "Boom!" "I'm in a relationship with you." "Boon!" "I don't think, I just boom!" " Shut the fuck up!" " So that's what I am to you?" "I'm just some goddamn log you just bumped into at a porno store?" "You're wearing sunglasses in a movie theater." " They're subscription" " That's prescription, you idiot!" "Okay, Mrs Thesaurus." "Alright." "I'm an idiot." "You know, that's it." "Hasta la vista, baby." "Here is a man who will not take it anymore." "You're all gonna die." "Think about it." "You're all gonna die and nobody will ever remember you because they'll all be dead too!" "Excuse me." "Hi, this is Adam." "I'm not home, so leave a message after the beep." "Hi, Adam." "It's me." "Adam, are you there?" "Hi." "I didn't wanna call anybody else." " Are you okay?" " No." " What's wrong, baby?" " We broke up." " Oh, god." " I broke up with Joey." "That's horrible." " I'm such a failure." " You're not a failure." "I am." "I'm a relationship leper." "Not true." "You have more relationship potential than anybody I know." "Fuck potential." "Anyone can have potential." "What, are you kidding?" "Your only problem is that you have bad timing." "Two people could be perfect for each other and if the timing's wrong, it's not gonna work out for them." "Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single." "Normal people?" "Yeah." "Weirdos and creeps are single because they're weird and creepy but people like us, we're single because we're victims of bad timing." "Since when did you have things so figured out?" "Since you fell in love and I had to lie in bed awake every night and wonder if I'd ever find anybody who I feel as normal with as I do with you." "Bad timing, Adam." "If the timing's ever right, you just let me know, okay?" "How about now?" "You think...?" "Okay, that's cool." "Take as much time as you want." "Love is ecstasy and agony, freedom and imprisonment, belonging and loneliness, it's what keeps us together when life tears us apart." "So, when you find that perfect man, hold on tight and then call me so I can run over there and see what he looks like and laugh because he doesn't exist, you sad, perky, little optimistic suckers." "I quit." "I couldn't do the assignment." "I've felt like a fraud since my first day here." "Everything I've written has been crap." "And I'm a total sellout, I can't do it anymore." "And honestly I'm sorry if I've caused you any problems." "Wait a minute." "She's way too fat." "Everything you've written here has been bullshit?" "Nothing has had even a single grain of truth in your eyes?" "Nothing." "So your research on blow jobs being able to cure depression is completely made up." "No, actually, that one was true." "But it only works for the suckee." "The sucker always stays depressed." "I told you that." "I'm here." "Actually, could I ask you a few questions if it's okay?" "Sure." "Go ahead." " Are you married?" " No." " Do you have any children you haven't told anyone about?" " No." " Do you feel the need to have sex with a lot of different women?" " No." " Are you a liar?" " Yes." "Just kidding." "Good." "You've got a sense of humor." "That was my next question." "Can you listen?" "I'm sorry, what?" " You see how I?" " I get it Just one more, I promise." "Do you have a problem with complicated women?" "Great." "Let's go." "May I ask you one question?" "Of course." "I'm sorry, ask anything you want." "Have you allowed Jesus Christ into your heart?" "Oh, god!" "If I could have one moment of your time..." " No." "Get out!" " May I?" " Okay, but if the next knock is the devil..." " Go!" " Listen, have you allowed..." " Hey, go!" "Now!" "Thank you." "Hi, are you Kate Wells?" " Yeah." "And you're Rob, right?" " That's right." "Nice to meet you." "Thank you." " Thanks for coming." " Nice to meet you." " You're good." " Thank you." "And nasty." "I like my men good and nasty." "Thank you." " You got a girlfriend?" " Yeah, I do." "She's on a date now however." "So where's your blind date?" " I told him I was sick." " Yeah, you're sick alright." "Yeah, from wanting you back." "That was incredible." "I am very proud of myself." " I did good, right?" " Yeah, you did alright." "It was different." "I surprised you with a couple of those things, I know it." " You seemed scared." " I wonder where you learned that." "We should break up more often." "We should." " I love you." " Me too." "Get out." " So with Joey, what is it now?" "16?" " Oh, shut up." "No, seriously." "15." "I was 14." "What about Peaches?" "Tell me about Peaches." " No, I don't wanna know about Peaches." " No, you do." "Where do you think I learned that thing I did?"