"Previously on Two and a Half Men..." "I'm talking about making a long-term commitment to each other." "You mean like marriage?" "I just don't understand why we can't keep things the way they are." "You mean living day-to-day, never knowing what kind of future you have with the person you've been in a relationship with the past three years?" "Okay, I-I prefer to think of it as cherishing each day-- nay, each moment-- with the woman I love because it-it could all disappear in-in the blink of an eye." "You mean like this?" "How was your day?" "I'm pretty sure Lyndsey and I broke up." "I really like Lyndsey." "I thought she was great." "She is great." "But I'm not gonna be bullied into spending the rest of my life with somebody just 'cause they're great." "Alan." "We need to talk." "Go ahead." "I-I want to be with you forever." "That's all I ever wanted to hear." "I love you, Lyndsey, and as soon as I can save enough money," "I'm gonna... put a deposit down on an engagement ring." "You don't have to buy me some dumb ring." "That's all I ever wanted to hear." "(Skype chimes)" "Oh!" "Oh, hey, Jake." "Hey, Dad." "What's going on?" "Oh, I've got good news." "I've got a girlfriend." "Oh, oh, that's great." "And it gets better." "She gave me the clap." "Wait, wait, how's that better?" "It's a sexually transmitted disease, Dad." "Sexually transmitted." "Disease." "Yeah." "So you get it." "And now everybody knows that I'm getting it." "Wait." "Wait, y-you're telling people?" "No, I don't have to, 'cause I scream when I pee." "I'm literally speechless, Jake." "Hey, Walden!" "Oh, hey, Jake." "I got the clap!" "Uh... congratulations." "Thanks, man." "All right, gotta run, Dad." "I'll talk to you later." "I'm going to SeaWorld with my girlfriend and her three kids." "It's too bad antibiotics can't cure stupidity." "Hey, that's my son you're..." "eh, you're right." "(computer chimes)" "Huh." "What?" "I just got an e-mail from my ex-wife." "She wants to meet me for coffee." "Judith?" "Oh, no, no, m-my second wife." "You got two women to marry you?" "Yeah." "I had to get the taste of Judith out of my mouth." "How come you never told me about the second one?" "Ah, there wasn't much to tell." "I mean, we got married in Vegas, won a half a million dollar jackpot, she dumped me, took the money, and moved to New York and became a TV star." "This might be the first interesting story you've ever told." "Was she really a TV star?" "Yeah, she's on that cop show Stiffs." ""If you're not one of the suspects, you're one of the Stiffs."" "I love that show." "Who does she play?" "Detective Jane Risotto." "Wait a minute!" "You were married to tough-talkin', smooth-walkin', pistol-packin' Jane Risotto?" "Guilty." "Guilty of being with the hottest woman on Earth." "I-I know." "Hold on..." "Wait, her?" "Yes." "You?" "Yes." "No..." "Yes." "No!" "And you wonder why I didn't tell you about this." "No!" "ALAN:" "Yes!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪" "♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪" "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "(indistinct chatter)" "Oh, um..." "Kandi, over here." "Alan." "(chuckles)" "Look at you." "You look terrific." "Oh, thank you." "And you look..." "Wow." "(clears throat)" "That-that dress fits you like a... spray-on tan." "It's so good to see you." "Well, you, too." "So, uh, what are you doing here?" "Meeting you for coffee." "Duh." "Uh, n-no, I meant what are you doing here in L.A.?" "Oh." "I'm in the new James Cameron movie." "Oh!" "I'm gonna be in 3-D." "You'll certainly pop right off the screen." "Pop, pop." "Thanks." "So, what's up with you?" "How's Jake?" "Oh, good." "Uh, he's in the army." "Wow!" "(chuckling):" "Yeah." "Which one?" "Um... ours." "Oh, phew." "So, look at you, Little Miss Hollywood." "Oh, please, I haven't changed at all." "I'd like a nonfat, decaf latte with just a whisper of foam." "Um, Kandi, he doesn't work here." "Is that a problem?" "Nope." "So, did you ever get remarried?" "Oh, oh, no, but, uh... but I do have a lovely girlfriend." "Oh... good for you." "Thanks." "So, how about you?" "You seeing anyone?" "No." "Most guys just want a piece of Detective Jane Risotto." "Well, as pieces go, that's a good one." "Thanks." "I never told you this, but you're the best lover I ever had." "Oh, oh, geez, uh..." "I don't know what to say." "Uh, but, you know, I certainly gave it 110% every time." "Mmm." "Wow." "Imagine if you had given it your all." "I'm sorry, you're in a relationship." "We shouldn't even be talking about this stuff." "That's right." "It's just not appropriate." "So, um... so, didn't you date Derek Jeter for a while?" "I did." "Huh." "(knocking)" "Hi." "Hi!" "What are you doing here?" "Well, something weird just happened, and I wanted to talk to you about it." "You okay?" "Oh, oh, yeah, everything's fine." "It's just, uh..." "Uh, well, come here, sit down." "What's going on?" "Uh, well, okay, here's the deal." "I..." "I just... met my ex-wife for coffee and she... got a little flirtatious with me, and it kind of freaked me out." "Wait, Judith got flirtatious with you?" "Oh, oh, no, it wasn't Judith." "It was the hot one?" "Okay, I don't think Judith would appreciate that, but, uh... but, yes, i-it was the-the hot one." "What do you mean she was flirtatious?" "Oh, oh, the details are unimportant." "I mean, she said I was better in bed than Derek Jeter, but whatever, um..." "Wait a second, you want me to believe that one of the sexiest women in the world hit on you and you turned her down?" "Well, yes, yes, I-I did." "I-I told Kandi that I am in a committed relationship with a woman that I-I truly love, and-and I just wanted to tell you because I don't want us to have any secrets." "Really?" "Yeah." "I don't need a young, rich, gorgeous movie star with flawless skin and a great body." "I have you." "Okay, l-let me try that again." "Um... (footfalls approaching)" "Oh, hey, you should take tomorrow off." "Why?" "It's your birthday." "Nobody should have to work on their birthday." "Who the hell told you it was my birthday?" "You did, when we put you on my company health plan." "Damn it, I should've just lived with that hernia." "Come on, birthdays are terrific." "It's... all your loved ones celebrating how great you are." "It's like Christmas, except you're the savior of the world." "Sounds good, but all my loved ones are in jail, rehab, or dead." "I can't think of anything I'm less interested in than my birthday." "Boy, do I have a story for you." "I stand corrected." "What's going on?" "So, I go meet Kandi for coffee." "Yeah." "It turns out she wants me." "No." "Yeah." "No!" "Oh, yeah." "So did you?" "No." "No?" "!" "Yes!" "Uh, hold on, I'm lost." "So, when I tell Lyndsey that I turned down Kandi because of her," "Lyndsey bangs my brains out." "In the middle of the day." "She could see everything and she kept going." "No!" "Yes!" "But let's not get caught in this loop again." "I-I mean, all my life," "I've had to lie to women to have fantastic sex." "Turns out, all I had to do was be honest." "It's almost ridiculous in its simplicity." "Huh." "From now on, I'm just gonna be totally honest with women." "Well, until they catch on to that scam." "Exactly." "Then it's back to Alan Harper, astronaut." "(phone ringing)" "(mumbling)" "(sniffs, groans)" "(sighs)" "Hello?" "Kandi?" "Wait, wh-why are you crying?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down." "Okay, not that slow." "Wh..." "How many drinks have you had?" "All right, "schlebbin" is not a real number, but it sounds like it was a lot." "Oh, n-no, no, d-don't talk like that." "You've got plenty to live for." "All right, all right, d-don't do anything stupid." "I-I'll be right over." "(groans)" "This is the price I pay for being the best lover ever." "(sighs)" "Where you going?" "Oh, I, uh, got to take care of my drunk, hysterical ex-wife." "What are you doing up?" "Checking the stock market in London." "You're watching porn, aren't you?" "I have more than one window open, yes." "Okay, I'll see you." "Wait, hey, you-you want me to come with you?" "Oh, no, no, I think I can handle it." "You think you might get laid." "I have more than one window open, yes." "♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Two and a Half Men 10x09 ♪ I Scream When I Pee Original Air Date on November 29, 2012" "== sync, corrected by elderman ==" "♪ Men. ♪" "KANDI:" "It's open." "Kandi?" "Hi." "Are-are you okay?" "I am now that you're here." "Wait a minute, wh-what's going on?" "On the phone you were drunk and practically suicidal." "I was acting." "A-Acting?" "Alan, you don't get a People's Choice Award for nothing." "So this whole thing was a setup just to get me over here?" "I'm used to getting what I want." "Well, uh, yeah, yeah, Kandi, but I told you before, I-I have a girlfriend." "And-and-and, oh, God, you smell good." "Kind of, kind of like a combination of pineapple and... hope." "I have a couple of old friends here who want to say hello!" "Hello." "Hello." "Why don't we continue this conversation in the bedroom?" "Oh." "Oh, Kandi, I..." "I-I can't." "Um, I, I mean, I mean, I can." "Parts of me already did, but, uh, I-I have to leave." "All right, fine." "You must really love her." "That's the only explanation I can come up with." "Geez, the fact that you don't want to sleep with me makes me want you even more." "But if you did sleep with me, you'd be like all the others, and then I wouldn't want to sleep with you." "So if you really don't want to sleep with me, you should sleep with me." "The scary part is that makes perfect sense." "Um, good-bye, Kandi." "Don't forget me, Alan." "As long as there's a slow, soapy shower in the world, you will never be forgotten." "♪ Men. ♪" "Good morning." "Oh, hey, how'd it go with Kandi last night?" "Horrible-- she wanted to have sex with me." "Why do bad things happen to good people?" "Bottom line is, I took the high road, and it sucks." "That's why it's the road less traveled." "Hey, let me ask you a question." "Yes, they're spectacular." "I knew it." "Now, my question: what do you usually do for Berta's birthday?" "Oh, uh, well, my brother would stuff a card full of cash and then, after he passed out," "I'd steam it open, take a few 20s, and sign it." "Yeah, I kind of get a feeling that she doesn't have anybody doing anything special for her." "Yeah, I don't think she does." "Let me know if you want to give her cash;" "I'll buy the card." "(phone rings)" "Oh." "Oh." "Hey, Lyndsey." "Whoa, whoa, c-c-calm down." "Kandi's hotel room?" "What, what makes you think I was there?" "Paparazzi photos on the Internet?" "Uh, wow, that, that is just, that is crazy, Lyndsey." "I, I, I don't know what you're talking about." "Hmm, maybe it's this." "Oh, crap." "Um, uh, well, all right, all right, all right," "I-I-I can explain that." "Uh, uh, she, she called me at 2:00 in the morning, and I-I thought she was drunk and suicidal, but it turns out she was just acting." "Did you know she won a People's Choice?" "B-B-But I swear nothing happened." "(laughing):" "This doesn't look like nothing." "Uh, okay, okay, but, but, but what you can't see in that picture is, is what I was thinking, and what I was thinking about was you, the woman I lo..." "Hello?" "(groans)" "Oh, man." "Mm-mm, I'm sorry, buddy." "Oh, look, you've been identified as "Matthew Broderick's father""" "♪ Men. ♪ (knocking)" "There's the birthday girl." "I'm not in the mood, Walden." "There is a ton of weed in this." "Happy birthday to me." "♪ Men. ♪" "(sighs) These photos are all over the Internet." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my boobs look good in this one." "Yeah, your boobs look good, your life is perfect, and I'm going to die alone." "Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry." "What can I do to help?" "Talk to Lyndsey, tell her nothing happened." "She won't listen to me." "Of course." "Thank you." "(clears throat)" "It's her voice mail." "She sounds very pretty." "Just leave a message." "Oh, hi, Lyndsey." "It's Kandi, Alan's ex-wife and TV's Jane Risotto." "I'm here with Alan in my hotel room and..." "No." "What?" "(mouthing)" "(whispering):" "Got it." "Sorry, wrong number." "♪ Men. ♪" "So, basically, the search results are processed through the neural back end, which allows us to serve ads that are based on trends that are personalized for the user." "Halfway through that, your head turned into a taco." "(laughing)" "How cool is that?" "A talking taco." "Talking taco, talking taco, talking taco." "Oh, geez, I am really high." "There must have been a cat tranquilizer in that cupcake." "Woof." "(laughs)" "(both laughing)" "I got to tell you, Walden, I never thought that I could work for anybody but Charlie, but you're a good guy." "That means a lot." "And if truth be told," "I don't even mind seeing Zippy every day." "Whoa!" "I must be higher than I thought." "(both laughing)" "You know... when I met you, I was at a real low point, but you and Alan took care of me." "I got to say, other than my mother, you're the closest thing I have to a family." "I love you, Berta." "You're a sentimental little taco, aren't you?" "(both laughing)" "(knocking)" "Hi, we need to talk." "Go ahead." "I know you're really upset, but I promise, nothing happened between me and Alan." "I saw the pictures." "Pictures lie." "So do boyfriends." "But not Alan." "Did you really try to seduce him?" "I did, but he turned me down." "Wow." "I was as surprised as you are." "What about all that stuff about you enjoying sex with Alan more than with Derek Jeter?" "Oh, honey, you know better than that." "♪ Men. ♪" "Hola, Berta." "Feliz birthday-o." "Stop, you're freaking me out." "(laughs)" "(chuckles)" "Okay, all right, I'm gonna call a cab." "I'm too stoned to drive." "(clears throat)" "I may be too stoned to call a cab." "What about your car?" "Oh, you know, just drive it to my house tomorrow." "I don't know how to drive that thing." "Oh, come on, it's easy, I'll show you." "Here." "Help me out here." "Where is your door?" "(both laughing)" "(gasps)" "Happy birthday." "Sweet Georgia Brown, you'd better not be screwing with me." "Nope, you always said it was your dream car." "Well, today your dreams come true." "Oh!" "Come here, you big old talking taco." "Oh." "(sighs)" "Oh, oh, there's one condition." "Okay, you want to do it in the house or on the hood of the car?" "No." "Hey, Alan can never find out about this." "Alan can never find out about this." "Mm-hmm." "♪ Men. ♪" "Oh, that is great, honey." "Well, I-I will talk to you later." "Okay, okay, bye-bye." "Wow, Lyndsey's in a better mood." "(snorts)" "It's like her head is in a whole different place." "Uh, uh, it's on." "TV ANNOUNCER:" "If you're not one of the suspects..." "ALL:" "You're one of the Stiffs." "God, she's hot." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Excuse me, I'm gonna go check the stock market." "Guess what Walden bought me for my birthday." "== sync, corrected by elderman =="