"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# Cos if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man!" "# Where it comes from is a mystery" "# Like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# Here's the one that's driving ME berserk" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "# Oh, la la..." "la-li-la-la-la... #" "TELEVISION IS ON LOW" "'Ave you got any idea how much money we made recently?" "Loadsa bunce, Rodders!" "Loads!" "We have made nearly £2,000 in the last month!" "Am I a genius or am I just a miracle worker?" "!" "We sold over 400 ladies' electric razors!" "I told you!" "You wouldn't think there was that much hair about!" "'Ere, you chuck all those receipts down the chute." "What's that dirty-looking thing?" "That is your uncle, Rodney!" "Please show a bit more respect!" "Have a drink." "We're celebrating." "That's OK, Del." "This is from my old days, Rodney, when I used to sail the seven seas." "What is it - treasure(?" ")" "Just letters and photos from me days in the navy." "Nothing much - just me memories." "Rodney's chucking stuff out." "He'll get rid of it for you." "It's me life's history!" "And you're keeping it?" "!" "Is that you?" "!" ".." "Yeah!" "That's when I first joined the navy." "17, I was." "Cor, you ain't changed, Unc!" "He 'ad a big white beard then?" "!" "No - he's wearing the same clothes!" "What's up with you two daft sods?" "We're celebrating a blinding' month!" "What IS all this?" ""1941." "My birthday party on board HMS Peerless."" "They look a right bunch of toe-rags!" "That's me and some of my mates when we were in the South China Sea." "Brave lads, Del - like steely-eyed young lions!" "YOU look like Clarence, the cross-eyed lion!" "I'd just been out to a nightclub!" "Who's this geezer in the G-string and the ruby?" "That's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub!" "I sneaked her back to show her round HMS Peerless!" "You dirty old goat!" "The Captain used to call it "A submarine hunter", but she was nothing more than an old tug!" "She looks a rough and ready girl." "HMS Peerless!" "Oh, sorry!" "A few hours after that was taken we was in action." "I'm surprised it took you THAT long!" "Japanese sub was spotted in the area." "That's ALL you need, eh?" "An American aircraft-carrier was lying off-shore." "Eh...eh..." "USS..." "Pittsburg!" "It was our job to protect her." "Well, we hadn't been sailing an hour when we crashed right into her!" "What a noise!" "You whacked into the boat you were going out to protect?" "!" "Yeah." "It's a good job she was there, actually." "She picked up most of the survivors!" "Was your ship badly damaged?" "Couldn't tell, Rodney." "It sunk!" "'Course, they tried to blame me!" "Well, sounds fair!" "Just cos I was on watch!" "I 'ad me excuses ready." "What, you were drunk(?" ")" "No!" "The American vessel was at battle stations and showing no lights." "So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like, eh... eh..." "It was in broad daylight!" "You didn't SEE an aircraft-carrier?" "!" "Forty-two THOUSAND tons of steel?" "!" "In broad daylight?" "!" "I wasn't close enough!" "You must have been reasonably close - you hit it!" "They'd be better with Ray Charles in the crow's-nest!" "I wasn't up on deck!" "I was in the radar room, watching the screen!" "I couldn't make head nor tail of it!" "It was all blibs and blobs!" "The Jap sub shot away a bit lively." "I suppose it didn't feel needed with YOU around!" "Did you get into trouble for it?" "Court-martial." "The papers were sent to Singapore." "You were court-martialled?" "!" "No." "Before my trial, the Japanese invaded and I never heard another word!" "And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky!" "ALBERT GOES OUT, CHUCKLING LOUDLY" "That was a bit strong, wasn't it - trying to court-martial him?" "He ruined an aircraft-carrier!" "Yeah, but it was his birthday!" "Yeah, I forgot(!" ") ..But not for long." "This picture was taken in 1941 on his birthday, right?" "You seen the date?" "That's in a couple of weeks." "Yeah." "Maybe the ancient mariner was letting us know so we'll arrange a birthday treat!" "Wash your mouth out with soap and water, Rodney!" "Uncle Albert is not a crafty person!" "He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat!" "Fly old git!" "So he wants a surprise for his birthday, eh?" "Why, what you gonna do?" "I dunno yet, but I'll think of something to pull him up sharp!" "Oy...we could give him one of them electric razors!" "Yeah!" "ALBERT, VERY OFF-KEY:" "# .." "Way out on the sea-ea-ea-ea" "# Oh, carry my loved o-o-o-o-one" "# Safely to me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!" "#" "ONLY BOYCIE CLAPS" " SLOWLY" "Why does 'e keep doing it?" "Gawd knows!" "I suppose someone once told him he could play the piano!" "Yeah...but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!" "He's a Trotter!" "What more can you say about him?" "!" "A while ago I went down the library and read some ancient manuscripts about Peckham." "Did you know 500 years ago this was a green and peaceful area?" "The Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands." "Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance round the maypole of an evening." "And then, one fateful medieval day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr!" "Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired maidens were up the spout and someone nicked the maypole!" "About a hundred years after that, the Black Death arrived in England." "The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed!" "'Ere, look at this!" "Oh, my Gawd!" "Hi, Mike." "All right, Boycie?" "We-ell, I WAS!" "There you go, Trig." "There's a scotch, mate." " How d'you know I wanted one?" " If I was wearing that, I would!" "Uh...is this something to do with a new religion?" "I'm taking a lady out to lunch." "You sure?" "!" "You sure?" "!" "Positive." "We're going to that little Eyetalian place opposite." "I thought I'd try and make an impression." "You'll CERTAINLY do that, Trig!" "Thanks, Boyce!" "EXCHANGE OF GREETINGS" "'Morning, Michael!" "Same again for Boycie, a non-alcoholic lager top for Rodney, and, eh... a Malibu and cherryade for moi!" "Is it Comic Relief Day again?" "You know, it only seems..." "Del!" "It ain't Comic Relief Day." "I've got a date." "Watch the stones." "Del got one stuck..." "No, Dave." "I mean..." "I've got a lunch date with a lady." "You sure?" "!" "You sure?" "!" "Yeah." "I'm meeting her soon." "I popped in for some Dutch courage." "Who is it?" "You don't know her..." "Come to that, I don't know her either!" " How d'you mean, Trig?" " These people arranged it for me." ""The Technomatch Friendship..." "and Matrimonial Agency"!" "You 'aven't joined a computer dating firm?" "!" "Yeah, there's one in the High Street so I thought I'd try 25 quidsworth." "So what's she look like?" "I dunno." "They don't use pictures." "Bit risky, eh?" "That's HER problem." "They fed my information into a computer and it came out with a woman who was compatible with me." "That's what I like about this agency - they insist on honesty." "So you told 'em you're a road sweeper?" "No." "I said I was a bus inspector." "Why?" "To add a bit of glamour!" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Good idea." "Right then - 'ere goes." "I'll see you later." "Rather him than me!" "He's walking straight into the unknown!" "It's a bit like that TV programme, innit?" "Yeah." "Yeah, Blind Date." "Oh!" "I thought you meant That's My Dog!" "Marlene and Duke watch that, you know..." "The dog gets more questions right than her!" "Can I 'ave a word about Albert?" "Now, there's a coincidence." "I wanted to have a word about him as well!" "Is he still singing of an evening?" "No, no, no, no - he's doing matinees now, Del." "My pie sales have fallen!" "OK, I'll talk to him." "Listen, it's Albert's birthday soon and I want to throw a party for him." "In here?" "Some drinks, some grub..." "No, no..." "I'll stick 150 across the counter." "OK, Del, you can have it on ONE condition - he doesn't sing." "Fair enough, Mike." "He doesn't swear in front of ladies." "Righto, Mike." "And he doesn't dance." "Gotcha, Mike." "He tells no rude jokes." "..Goes without saying, Michael." "And he don't drink too much." "Perish the thought!" "He just sits down quietly, soberly and enjoys himself." "He's gonna really look forward to this, Mike(!" ") Thanks a lot(!" ")" "'E's got more rules than the Common Market!" "He's ruining this pub!" "I wouldn't know." "I spend most of my free time these days down at the lodge." "Of course, the lodge(!" ") What is it you've become - a buffalo?" "I am NOT a buffalo!" "I am a pukka mason - secret handshakes, initiation ceremonies, the works!" "Why d'you join that bunch of dipsticks?" "It is a great honour to be chosen, Derek!" "It's changed my life!" "I'm involved in a lot of charity work these days, helping the local needy and underprivileged." "It has a good side too, of course." "Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever possible!" "Sounds like a load of old snobs!" "We're not snobs!" "Anyone can join!" "We come from all walks of life!" "We've got estate agents, a judge, a commissioner of police, the mayor..." "We've got all sorts!" "Yeah, so has Bertie Bassett!" "That is NOT all walks of life!" "OK, eh...we got...a TV director!" "Does he film the secret handshakes in case you wallies forget(?" ")" "Rodney..." "Listen, I'm gonna have a chat with Micky and Jevon." "Yeah, OK." "I'll pop down the betting shop." "What is the matter with that boy?" "!" "He's all social conscience!" "Well, 'e's one of life's carers." "Reminds me a bit of my mum." "Yeah." "Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers!" "I don't BELIEVE it...!" "That's a WOMAN!" "Wotcher, Nerys!" "..Oh!" "You made me jump!" "It's only me..." "Em...can I get you a drink?" "No, I've got one." "Oh..." "Em..." "I was wondering, maybe you'd quite like to come out sometime during the week?" "Where?" ".." "I dunno." "Anywhere." "Who with?" "Well...me." "OK, then." "It'll have to be during the day, cos I work most evenings." "I'll see if I can get a day off." "You said you ran the business!" "..Well, yeah..." "Yeah, I do." "But I don't like leaving Del in charge." "Well..." "I'll 'phone you on it, then." "Yeah...all right, then." "See you in the week." "Yeah." "Go on, then..." "Go ON!" "All right!" "Rodney..." "Eh?" "How'd you get on with Nerys?" "OK." "Bet you didn't get a date!" "Save your money, Jevon, I'm taking her out next week!" "How'd you manage that?" "!" "I've been trying to date her for ages, and bear in mind who's talking 'ere!" "Rodney 'as got something you haven't got, Jevon - machismo!" "I've told you before, Nerys goes for macho men!" "I know Rodney, and 'e can be a right 'ard nut when he wants to be!" "We-ell..." " Muscle and sweat Nerys goes for!" " He's no Master of the Universe!" "He has an aura of inner strength!" "I'm wiry, see." "Nerys likes guys who live their lives at 100 miles an hour!" "And when she's hot, she is HOT!" "It would take Red Adair to put her out!" "I treat chicks considerately." "Nerys prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers!" "If my main man here plays his cards right...!" "See you, big guy!" "Hey!" "Take care!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "THEY LAUGH What's happening?" "Rodney's got a date." "We convinced him she likes macho-men." "Who's the bird?" "Nerys." "What..." "Nervous Nerys?" "!" "Yes!" "Like it!" "So...can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for?" "Well, bird." "Yes, but are there any particular requirements?" "A local bird." "I don't like driving." "So, eh...no special TYPE of person?" "Well, she's gotta be a bit of a sort!" "A bit of a SORT?" "!" "Yeah, you know..." "Everything in the right place." "And she must be a bit refined." "Must she!" "I don't want some old bow-wow who can't tell Liebfraumilk from Tizer!" "Quite!" "Cos I'm a bit of a culture vulture myself." "Ah, a man of the arts." "Yeah, you can't whack it." "AND tell the lucky lady she is guaranteed a steak meal." "A steak meal?" "Guaranteed!" "D'you wanna put that on your floppy disc?" "Yes, eh..." "I'll make a note." "A steak...meal." "Now...please don't feel pressurised by this next question." "It's simply asked to protect our clients." "Fire away, I got nothing to hide." "What do you seek from an introduction?" "Friendship?" "Yeah, yeah, friendship." "That'll do." "I mean, do you see this leading to a more PERMANENT relationship?" "Slow down, John!" "You haven't even sorted me one out yet!" "No, no, no!" "Friendship'll do for a start!" "Of course." "Let's see what surprises the computer has for you." "I'll just feed your information in." "A-ah, now there's a lady here who may suit." "Obviously refined - she's on an arts fund committee." "Thirty-eight years old." "Knocking on a bit, ain't she?" "Yes, she's widowed..." "And her late husband was a stockbroker." "No, I-I don't think you're suited." "Hang on!" "I'll give it a bash if she will!" "She's a rather...sensitive person." "Great!" "And she specified a non-smoker." "Well, you win some, you lose some." "This looks promising!" "Young lady, 30 years old..." "A career woman." "Yeah, go on." "She's an actress." "Yeah?" "Is she famous?" "I wouldn't have thought so, would you?" "No, no, I s'pose not." "No." "It's a nice introduction, since you have a common interest." "What's that?" "The arts?" "Oh, yes, yes!" "Right, yeah!" "Perfect!" "Well, eh, where do we meet and how do we recognise each other?" "Assuming the young lady fancies it." "What's her name?" "Eh..." "Miss Turner." "Raquel Turner." "Raquel!" "Raque-e-el!" "D'you know that Raquel is my most favourite name!" "How fortunate." "Now, we recommend a first meeting during the day - a lunch appointment or something." "After that, it's up to the clients." "A good meeting place is the clock at Waterloo Station." "Quite romantic - it evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson." "We suggest the gentleman carries flowers as a point of recognition." "Right..." "Did THEY hit it off?" "..Who?" "Well, this Trevor and Celia sorts." "Yes, yes." "Cushty!" "Right, you give Raquel the old S.P." "And tell her to keep on her toes - the last girl I met at Waterloo got mugged on the escalator!" "Yes, I'll, eh..." "I'll tell her." "When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet, we do emphasise the importance of complete honesty." "Oh, I agree!" "We gotta be right up front with each other!" "Good." "Now I must trouble you for the £25 membership fee." "Right." "I'm sorry, I've forgotten - is there an 'e' on the end of your name?" "No 'e'." "It's Duval" " Derek Duval." "TELEVISION IS ON" "You going out?" "No, I'm gonna bleed the brakes on the van(!" ")" "'Course I'm going out!" "What is it, a special occasion?" "Could be, Unc." "You never can tell." "I thought it might be a mate's BIRTHDAY or something." "No, I'm taking a young lady out to lunch." "When I was a lad, I had smashing birthday parties." "When you get to my age, nobody bothers." "I know." "It's a bark, innit?" "Yeah..." "So who's the bird?" "It's not a bird." "It's an actress." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Who?" "Raquel Turner." "Name don't ring a bell." "What's she been in?" "Loads of things." "I can't remember 'em all." "What's she look like?" "Eh-h-h..." "Well, she's a..." "It's difficult to describe her." "Is she tall, short, dark, fair, fat or thin?" "..She's an actress!" "She keeps changing her appearance!" "How you gonna recognise her, then?" "I'll recognise her!" "Don't keep on!" "Got anything for the launderette?" "It's not your washing day today." "Rodney's going out as well." "I don't wanna sit here on me own." "All right." ""SUAVE" VOICE:" "Hello, Miss Turner." "May I say..." "How do you do, Ms Turner?" "May I say how very PLEASED I am to meet you?" "I've admired your work for many years." "May I call you Raquel?" "Raquel is one of my most favourite names." "Yea-ea-ea-eah!" "My old joie-de-vivre will knock her bandy!" "Now then, a quick livener, I think, and then off we go!" "A-hem!" "You're still here, then?" "Just about..." "I thought you'd got a date with that Nerys." "I 'ave." "Well, you'd better get changed or you'll be late." "I AM changed!" "You're going out like that?" "!" "Why not?" "You look like an 'ooligan!" "It is the fashion." "Ain't you read about it?" "It's the James Dean look." "Yeah, but they meant BEFORE the crash!" "You won't get far with Nerys dressed like that." "Oy!" "You just keep it out, right?" "!" "OK, OK!" "Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble!" "I thought you were going out." "I AM going out!" "Get changed and I'll take those down the launderette." "I am WEARING these!" "Where you taking her, then - scrumping?" "!" "Del boy's going out to lunch with a world-famous actress." "Yeah?" "You got my socks and pants in there?" "Yeah." "See ya." "So who is it, then - Meryl Streep(?" ") No!" "Raquel Turner." "Are you kidding me?" "No, straight up." "THE Raquel Turner?" "Well, yeah." "Have you heard of her?" "..No." "She been in anything?" "Nothing YOU would have seen her in!" "What's that supposed to mean?" "!" "She 'as not been on Top of the Pops or Batman!" "Where you taking her, then?" "I am meeting her at Waterloo Station and I have booked a table for lunch... at the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane!" "You taking the van?" "..No, I am NOT taking the van!" "Where would YOU meet an actress?" "A friend in showbiz introduced us." "Now, wait a minute." "The other day Albert took a call for you." "It was from some... agency." "Oh...w-was it?" "Is your mate an agent?" "Yeah, yeah." "Right." "He's a showbusiness agent." "Bloody 'ell, Del!" "Any chance of an autograph?" "No problem." "I'll get you hers as well!" "Em..." "Del, you don't think you might be being a little bit... well...ostentatious?" "Well, maybe, but I can afford it." "Yeah, but...the Hilton an' all." "You don't think you're being a teensy-weensy bit over the top?" "I mean, she's an actress." "She's bound to be cool and laid-back." "Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy." "I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach." "I have played the game before." "I do know what I am doing." "Mm?" "Yeah, of course you do." "Well, best of luck, eh?" "Cheers, bruv!" "Open the door for us, Rodney, will you?" "What's this?" "!" "Gawd...!" "GUARD'S WHISTLE BLOWS" "BEEP!" "BEEP!" "Hi. .." "Is this a three-wheeled van?" "It was the last time I counted." "I've never been in one before." "You've never lived!" "It's a bit, em...what's the word...?" "Smelly!" "That is the odour of honest sweat, Nerys!" "So, where do you fancy going?" "I don't mind." "Name the destination." "I don't care." "What, so there's nowhere special?" "No." "Anywhere." "How about a movie?" "I don't fancy the pictures." "A drink?" "Pubs 'ere are 'orrible." "D'you fancy an 'amburger?" "I've just 'ad me dinner!" "Well, where?" "I don't mind!" "Anywhere!" "That's cool, Nerys." "We'll just...cruise." "What, in a three-wheeled van?" "!" "Yes!" "This will be an experience you will never forget, Nerys." "Oh, shit!" "You didn't wind your window down!" "I know!" "Get out before it catches fire!" "Hello." "Hello!" "You're not Raquel, are you?" "!" "I can be anyone you want me to be, da-arlin'!" "You're not an actress, are you?" "I've played a few demanding roles!" "There's a very nice little hotel nearby." "Why don't we...discuss it there?" "No, sorry." "It's okay." "There's been a mistake." "My fault entirely." "Sorry." "Oh-h-h..." "You're one of those who just likes to TALK!" "There's been a mistake." "I'm waiting for someone and I thought you..." "I'm beginning to lose my rag with you!" "I'll count to ten and then I'll shove these flowers up your..." "TRAIN HOOTS" "You realise that will be extra?" "Gordon Bennett!" "Oh, hell, the filth!" "See ya, darlin'!" "(Gordon Bennett!" ")" "Come on, Jed!" "What's that?" "!" "CAR RADIO BLARES AND THUGS JEER" "Weren't you frightened?" "!" "What, of them punks?" "!" "Huh!" "No way!" "H-hello." "'E nearly nicked one of your mates, so I'd 'ave it away if I were you." "Is it Derek?" ".." "Raquel?" "!" "Yes!" "Oh!" "Hi!" "Hello!" "Sorry about that!" "No, I should apologise for being late!" "You know how the trains are." "Yeah." "Have you waited long?" "Since about ten o'clock." "No, no, it's a joke!" "Just a joke!" "Oh-h...!" "..Oh, sorry - these are for you!" "Oh, you shouldn't have gone to all this expense!" "Mais oui, mais oui!" "Well, um..." "I've booked a table at my most favourite restaurant." "Sounds lovely!" "Right." "Well...your carriage awaits." "Thank you." "This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?" "D'you reckon?" "That's my favourite film!" "..Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah, and it's mine." "And mine." "Really?" "!" "Yeah." "My favourite bit is when the big spaceship arrives and all the little Martians come out." "..That's CLOSE Encounters!" "Yeah, I love it!" "I thought you were a quiet person!" "They're the ones you gotta watch!" "But just now you were so..." "well, tough!" "I get by!" "I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened." "Those punks back there don't scare me!" "This is MY jungle - and I'm at the top of the tree!" "Oh, my...!" "What's wrong, Rodney?" "!" "Nothing!" "CAR RADIO BLARES" "Why are we going so fast?" "I love speed!" "You said we were gonna cruise!" "I like to cruise...quickly!" "And, eh...that's from moi." "Sorry about that." "I had to get a message to a friend." "That's OK." "Well, go on, get stuck in." "Don't wait for me." "Mmm...this is wonderful!" "Well, you can't go wrong 'ere." "I'm a bit surprised to find someone like you... you know, attractive and talented, at a computer dating agency." "I might say the same about you - the successful managing director of your own business." "Why did YOU go?" "Dunno, really." "I suppose I was grabbing at straws." "I've been married before and that was a disaster." "All my relationships with men ended unhappily." "Maybe it's been the same for you?" "No, blokes don't do a lot for me." "You know what I mean...!" "I used to take my relationships seriously - used to make stupid plans - but they were just playing a game." "When I saw the agency advertisement I thought, at least I'll be meeting someone who wants me to be there!" "Was it the same for you?" "Exactly." "I just thought you'd meet people on film sets and such like." "I've got to be honest..." "The agency asked what I did for a living so I said I was an actress." "Well, I suppose that's what I AM." "I'm a member of the union, at least!" "I had one line in a Dr Who about ten years ago!" "I was a lizard person." "I've done fringe theatre and stuff, but I gave it all up while I was married." "My husband thought there should only be one breadwinner." "My dad was like that." "He got up at six every morning to get Mum off to work." "..No, straight up!" "Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career, but I don't see me ever doing anything." "Au contraire." "This time next year you'll be a star!" "Oh, come on." "No." "She Who Dares Wins - that is my motto." "I always said to my kid brother, "Next year we'll be millionaires!"" "And look at you now!" "..Yeah, look at me now." "If you want something bad enough you'll get it, if you don't stop believing." "This is nice." "There's a lovely feeling of..." "I don't know...honesty." "Yeah, well..." "It's what it's all about, innit?" "Mr Duval?" "Yes." "There's an important call from your New York office." "Thank you, Charles." "Sorry about this." "It's no problem." "Charles, would you tell them I'm busy?" "Of course, sir." "Please...!" "No, no." "I'm enjoying the company." "These Yanks are gonna have to learn to make decisions for themselves!" "To success!" "TYRES SQUEAL AND MUSIC BLARES" "Wotcher, Dave!" "Mm...mm...mm...mm..." "Thank you, John." "When the agency mentioned you, I was really excited." "It's not that often you meet someone who's interested in the theatre." "Oh, I love it." "The theatre is so exhilarating!" "You can't whack a good play, can yer?" "Did you see the RSC's production of Moliere's Le Misanthrope?" "..No, I was out." "..Oh, out of the country?" "Oh, yeah." "I was away on business." "You missed something wonderful!" "I know." "I was gutted." "That the sort of play you like, is it?" "I like anything to do with entertainment." "When I was a kid, my mum sent me to tap-dancing lessons." "I loved it!" "When I was...17, another girl and me formed a pop-duo. "Double Cream" we called ourselves." "We were rotten!" "I like anything - pop music to heavy drama." "I just love the works of Shaw." "Oh, yeah!" "# Like a puppet on a stri-i-ing... #" "You're just putting me on!" "..No, I really do like it!" "Oh, thank you, Charles." "Thank you." "I've really enjoyed this afternoon." "Oh, so've I. Mmm." "Em...d'you fancy going out Saturday night?" "Saturday?" "No, I can't make Saturday." "Just thought I'd ask." "I'm always busy on Friday and Saturday nights, at drama class." "Oh, DRAMA class!" "I teach." "Oh, right." "What about...em..." "Monday night?" "I'd love to." "Great!" "Where shall I meet you?" "Why not come round the flat?" "Yeah, OK..." "And don't worry " "I'm not a pervo or anything like that!" "I figured that one out!" "Oh..." "I've kept you away from your business." "My brother handles things when I'm not there." "HE SCREAMS" "Well, get his number!" "They only gave me this yesterday!" " Get it?" " No, but there can't be many yellow, three-wheelers around!" "Right!" "I'll get him!" "You see if I don't!" "HONKING AND JEERING" "You...!" "I...!" "Don't EVER do that again!" "What's wrong, Nerys?" "Nerys...?" "Do you want another brandy?" "No, I'm fine, thanks." "..Please, sit down." "Right." "Listen, you didn't 'ave to cook a meal and what 'ave you." "It's my, "Thank you", for the lunch." "Well, it was REALLY lovely, you know." "Thank you." "Will your car be all right?" "We get a lot of vandalism round here." "I didn't bring it." "Leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to!" "Oh, good." "These flowers lasted well, eh?" "I'm not throwing them away." "They're my memories of a lovely day." "D'you want a coffee?" "Yes, please." "Oh...!" "Raquel..." "Mmm?" "I like you." "I like you." "Good." "Em..." "Look at the state of this wall!" "Yeah, it's 'orrible, innit?" "Listen, I wanted to ask you something." "Oh, Del..." "Wait a while, eh?" "See how we feel in..." "Eh?" "No, no, no, not that!" "Cor blimey, no!" "No, I had this idea to help you and I wanted to talk to you about it." "You see, I..." "I've got a friend who's a mason." "Oh, I don't need a mason." "A plasterer can do that." "No, no, no, no, not a stonemason, a masonic mason!" "You know..." "Come in 'ere and let me talk to you about it." "Sit down there, sit down." "Now..." "You're a talented actress, right?" "Says who?" "I can tell these things!" "But it doesn't matter how clever you are, you need someone to give you a decent break." "Right?" ".." "Yeah." "Right." "Well..." "my friend's fellow mason..." "is a television director." "Right?" "So if I become a mason, I can get him to give you that break." "But why would he do that?" "He doesn't even know me." "He doesn't 'ave to." "Masons HAVE to do favours for each other." "But what favour would you do him?" "I dunno." "I'd drop him a monkey or something." "You'd actually join the masons just to help me?" "!" "Oh, yeah." "Oh...!" "Well, it's no sweat, is it?" "It's the masons, not the moonies!" "They chuck a good dinner'n'dance an' all!" "But I'd be cheating, wouldn't I?" "'Course not!" "I'D do that for yer!" "I'd be using influence to further my career." "It's the name of the game!" "You can't wait to be discovered." "You've gotta get in now before you're past your sell-by date!" "Thanks(!" ") You know what I mean!" "This is your first opportunity." "It could be your last." "You gotta get in now while the going's good." "She Who Dares" " Wins." "Well, I..." "I'll leave it up to you, Del." "Whatever you think best." "All right!" "You do the coffee..." "Mmmm!" "And I'll do the bizzo." "D'you think it'll work?" "Piece of cake!" "They've been begging me to join for years!" "PHONE RINGS AND DOG BARKS Get outta there, Duke!" "Get OUT...!" "Daddy will be cro-oss!" "MARLENE!" "That dog is in my aquarium again!" "I've TOLD him to get out but he don't take any notice!" "He'll take some bloody notice when I put PIRANHA in there!" "YOU get 'im out!" "SWEETLY:" "Hello, this is Boyce House." "Marlene, it's Del boy." "How are you?" "How's tricks, Del?" "Never better." "Is the old man about?" "Yeah, unfortunately." "I'll get him." "Oh, when you've finished, I wanna talk to you about Albert's birthday." "Ohhh, Gawd!" "It's this Friday, innit?" "!" "Em, Raquel..." "Listen, we've got a bit of a celebration going on this Friday." "D'you fancy it?" "Not Friday." "I'm at drama class." "Oh, yeah..." "Couldn't you miss it?" "I'd like you to meet my family." "I can't." "We're in the final rehearsal." "Anyway, I'd just say something stupid!" "You haven't met my family!" "Hello!" "Hello, Boycie" " Del boy." "Hello, Del." "Listen, I want you to do me a very big favour." "I want you to recommend me for membership to your masonic lodge." "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Has someone slipped some Angel Dust in your pina colada?" "!" "Only the most respected members of our society can join my lodge!" "You said they'd take anyone!" "Yeah, but it wouldn't stretch to you!" "It'll be a doddle!" "My best friend's a member." "Who?" "You!" "Oh...!" "No, Del, I couldn't consider proposing someone like you." "I'd be a very good mason, Boycie." "I'll prove it." "Masons are supposed to do each other favours, right?" "Well, you propose me and I'll do one for you." "What?" "I won't tell Marlene about that little bird in Sheffield." "You wouldn't!" "Try me!" "No, no, no, Del!" "You may be many things, but you are not a grass!" "I don't think we've got anything else to say to each other." "Bye!" "I wanna talk to him!" "De-el?" "What d'yer think he'd LIKE for a present?" "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" "I do know that he likes a bit of fishing and he was talking about getting himself an angler's knife." "But it must be made of SHEFFIELD steel!" "Sheffield?" "Geez that phone!" "Yes, Boycie." "Thank you, Boyce." "Thank you." "Bye!" "PLAYS: "I'm In The Mood For Love"" "LYRICS ARE SLURRED" "# .." "I'm in the mood for lo-o-ove!" "#" "RAUCOUS CHEERS" "Look at that daft old twonk!" "At least he's only got one birthday a year!" "True!" "Del, you promised me, mate!" "You've given him too much to drink!" "He's slurring his words." "He offended some ladies." "How?" "Well, he wanted a rum and black." "He ordered a bum and rack!" "Just pray he doesn't fancy a Buck's Fizz!" "So what happened at Boycie's lodge last night?" "I met the committee members - tried to make a good impression an' that." "So are you a mason now?" "No, no, no." "The committee discuss me tonight." "As Boycie said, there is a chance that I could be blackballed." "Is that part of the initiation ceremony?" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "You see, each committee member has one white ball and one black ball." "They each put one ball in a bag." "Snooker balls!" "Yeah!" "Gotcha!" "If all the balls are white, that means you're in, but if there's just one black ball - you're out." "Are you doing all this for Raquel?" "Yeah." "Oh, you know..." "She's worth it, Rodney." "I can't wait to meet her." "Is she coming tonight?" "No, she's rehearsing." "Yeah?" "What in?" "..A rehearsal room, I suppose." "No, I meant what play?" "Oh!" "I dunno." "Something deep and meaningful." "One of them Russian jobs, likely." "The ones we don't watch on BBC Two?" "The ones I never USED to watch." "But in them days I wasn't esoteric." "..No?" "No, but Raquel has taught me what's what." "You stick me in front of the telly with a Singapore Sling, a sandwich and a bit of Chekhov and I'm happy!" "She's...she's good news, Rodney." "She's lovely, she's beautiful, she's talented..." "Got a good pair of lungs on 'er an' all." "Yeah?" "I mean she's got a good singing voice!" "Her voice is a cross between that Kiri Tikwanama and Whitney Houston!" "Lovely!" "Just what the doctor ordered!" "Yeah!" "Here's Boycie!" "Boycie!" "Over 'ere!" "Sit yerself down, Boycie." "Have...have the committee come to a decision yet?" "Yes, Derek, and it is bad news." "Well, it's bad news for you, at least." "You were blackballed." "Oh, no-o-o-o!" "Someone put a black ball in the bag?" "Who?" "There was more than ONE black ball." "How many?" "Put it this way, have you ever seen the bottom of a rabbit's hutch?" "I am sorry, Derek." "I did me best." "What am I gonna tell Raquel now?" "Look, if she's as talented as you say she is, she don't need you bribing some TV director!" "You're right, Rodney!" "She'll be a star one day cos she has got talent!" "Which is more than you can say for that soppy old git!" "# I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole" "# It said, "Gawd bless my soul"" "# "Take it out!" "Take it out!" "Wiggle it about, remove it!" #" "Albert!" "That is enough!" "Chuck him in the van and drive him home!" "With that engine?" "!" "You must be joking!" "It was fine the other day." "When was that?" "I saw Dave out with some mates." "Oh, yeah?" "The engine was well lumpy then, Del!" "It was goin' a fair lick, though!" "But it was making a terrible noise!" "'Ang on - what's this all about?" "Altogether now...!" "Albert Trotter?" "..Aye, sir." "Able Seaman Trotter, late of HMS Peerless?" "Aye, sir." "You're under arrest." "Aye, sir." "You're under arrest." "They're nicking him!" "What's going on?" "!" "You will go to Portsmouth for court-martial." "You will go to Portsmouth for court-martial." "B-b-b-b-but why?" "!" "Dereliction of duty." "On November 19th, 1941, you did wantonly abandon your watch duties, thus causing the sinking of HMS Peerless and damage to the USS Pittsburg." "But...but that was nearly 50 years ago!" "The papers have just been discovered." "I-I couldn't understand the radar!" "It was all blibs and blobs!" "Read the charges." ""Able Seaman Albert Trotter," ""you are ordered by Her Majesty the Queen" ""and by your friends and relatives" ""to have a very...happy birthday"!" "RAUCOUS LAUGHTER # I'd like to take you on a slow boat to China" "# All to myself, alone... #" "Is this your birthday surprise?" "!" "Yea-eah!" "I saw this strippergram in the paper!" "Look at his face!" "I'll get you for this, you toe-rag!" "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho...!" "# .." "I'll take your heart all throu-ou-ough" "# I'd like to... #" "Raquel?" "!" "Raquel(?" ") Is this the "actress" you've been telling us about(?" ")" "MOCKING LAUGHTER That's your Raquel?" "!" "SHOUTS AND JEERS" "All right?" "Oddly enough..." "I am NOT all right(!" ")" "Look, Del, don't get out of your pram over it." "Don't get out of my pram?" "!" "She just humiliated me in front of my friends!" "But you booked her." "I did NOT!" "I booked a strippergram." "I didn't know she did that for a living." "She SAID she was an actress." "Instead she goes round pubs dressed in stockings and suspenders, flashing her threepenny bits!" "I don't think many people noticed." "Anyway, remember Monique?" "SHE went around in public with next to nothing on." "She was a lifeguard!" "Well, yeah, all right, but..." "DEL!" "Wait a minute!" "Look, I wouldn't talk to him yet, love." "He'll calm down..." "in a year or two." "You LIED to me!" "No, I didn't!" "I never told you I WASN'T a stripper." "Anyway, what about YOU?" "Your name is Trotter." "You told me you were called Derek Duval!" "Derek Duval?" "A slip of the tongue." "And you didn't tell me you were a market trader." "And is THIS the Ferrari?" "All right." "So I might occasionally tell the odd porkie or two." "But I DON'T go round pubs dressed in stockings and suspenders, flashing my boobs at geezers, do I?" "No, he's never done that." "No!" "Thank you." "Oh, Del..." "I just do this to pay for drama lessons." "Where do you think I found the money to live on?" "I thought you was living on the rock'n'roll." "I'm not on the dole." "I pay for my own way in this world." "I'm sorry you don't like what I do." "I don't bloody like it EITHER!" "You wanted me to meet your family." "With your clothes ON!" "I got blackballed for you." "I'm sorry but, before you start moralising, remember YOU booked me." "I didn't know it'd be YOU." "So it'd be all right for you to lust over a stranger?" "Yes!" "..No!" "Oh, I don't know." "Look, this is probably a daft question, but... do you want to see me any more?" "Of course I want to see you again." "But next time I'll pay at the door like all the other punters." "There was no need to say that." "I know there wasn't." "Now I wish I hadn't." "Like most things in my life, it's too bloody late!" "ENGINE BACKFIRES" "I fancied a bit of a walk anyway." "Thanks." "Cheers." "Is that true, then?" "Is what true?" "These rumours about you falling in love with a stripper." "Leave it out, Sid." "In love?" "!" "I was just knocking about with her, you know?" "Yeah." "I told 'em you wouldn't get serious over some tart." "No." "Do they think I'm a wally?" "Cup of tea, please, Sid?" "All right?" "What's up with you now?" "Is it the £175 repair bill for the van?" "..Is it her?" "Her?" "Raquel." "I've never known anyone called Raquel." "No, right." "Tonight down the Coach and Horses there's a stri..." "No, I don't think so, bruvvy." "I'll stay in and watch some telly." "There's one of them Chekhov plays on BBC Two." "Load of old cobblers." "Raquel!" "What a lovely surprise." "Look who's here, Del." "You got time for a cup of tea?" "I don't know." "Have I got time for a cup of tea?" "It's a free country." "See?" "I told you he'd mellow after a bit." "Well, I've got to go somewhere to..." "Well, I've got to go somewhere." "Have my tea." "Oi, Rodney!" "Hello, Mrs Sansom." "What did you do to my Nerys?" "She came in shaking like a leaf." "It wasn't me, Mrs Sansom, it was some yobs." "What sort of week have you had?" "Blinding!" "You?" "Rotten." "It's a tough old world, innit?" "Tougher than I ever imagined." "I've resigned from the strippergram agency." "Good." "I've signed on the dole." "That's a step up the ladder(!" ") Why didn't you tell me?" "Why let me find out like that?" "You don't think I wanted you to find out like that?" "I took a job to give birthday greetings, paid for by a Derek Trotter." "If I'd known your name I wouldn't have." "You still didn't tell me your job." "I was hoping there'd be no need to." "After I met you and I realised we were... ..becoming close..." "I planned to pack the strippergram business in." "It just didn't work out." "I thought I knew you." "I knew nothing." "You were all disguises and secrets." "I'm sorry." "I'm going on a tour." "Yeah?" "Bet it's a mystery one." "No, it's no mystery." "An agent called me." "It could help my career." "Cushty." "You won't bump into me." "It's in the Middle East." "Middle East?" "I didn't know they liked Uncle Vanya and Run For Your Wife." "No, it's a review." "Dancing, that sort of thing." "Oh, use your noddle, Raquel!" "You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers." "You'll end up as a hostess in some topless dive in the Kasbah." "No, it's all above board." "You'll probably end up in a harlem!" "Don't be silly." "Oh, if that's what you want." "It's not what I want." "It's the next best thing." "It's a shame we couldn't have been more honest with each other." "I was straight with you." "Oh, all right, I called myself Duval." "That's just a joke." "I didn't tell you any other lies." "Del!" "What?" "Maybe it's another call from your New York office." "Del, I just want to say thanks." "What for?" "For lots of things." "For being the only man I've ever met who wanted me to keep my clothes on." "For getting blackballed for me." "For giving me back my self-esteem." "I used to wake up and look in the mirror and think, "You again!"" "After I met you I used to wake up and think, "Great!" "Another day!" "You're going to BE somebody!" ""This time next year I'll be famous."" "Thanks for that." "Raquel?" "Would you like a piece of my fried bread?" "Thanks." "When are you leaving?" "Tomorrow afternoon - I've got a cab coming at 12." "It's taking me to Waterloo Station." "That's ironic, isn't it?" "It doesn't have to be the end." "We could go on seeing each other." "I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show(!" ") I don't have to go." "You said you'd already agreed to it." "They'll have to find a replacement." "Thousands of girls would love this chance." "I don't know what to say, sweetheart." "It's taken me a bit by surprise." "I've done all my thinking." "I know what I want." "If you want me to stay, I will." "I'm not talking about any heavy commitment, like marriage or living together." "We could just be there for each other." "Think about it, won't you?" "Yeah, of course I will." "If you like the idea, just be at my flat tomorrow." "If not..." "I'll understand." "Yeah." "I just need a bit of time, that's all." "OK." "Thanks for the fried bread." "I'll see you...maybe?" "It WAS funny at the time!" "Del didn't seem to think so!" "Well, he WOULDN'T!" "Del's been taking it very well." "We wouldn't know." "We ain't seen him!" "He's had some thinking to do - a decision to make." "Whether to pay the bill for the strippergram?" "!" "You're bang out of order...!" "'Morning, all." "Same again for Rodney, Singapore Sling for me, small rum for Elton John over there and one for yourself." "Cheers, Del." "So...?" "What are you doing?" "Well..." "I've been thinking about her all night last night, Rodney." "She's had a tough life." "Her old man was rough and the other blokes she's known were no better." "She's had nothing but bad luck..." "Then she met me." "Bloody 'ell!" "Life's a bitch, eh?" "That is when her luck CHANGED, Rodney!" "Oh!" "Yeah, that's what I meant." "Of course, I've always been bad luck to women." "No, you ain't!" "No, I have!" "I was thinking back last night to all the birds that I've known." "Yeah..." "I've brought 'em all nothing but bad luck." "I'm a bit like that Little Joe." "Little Joe?" "You know, in Bonanza" " Little Joe." "You ain't, Del." "You're nothing like him!" "Not in LOOKS!" "I mean, he's an ugly-looking git!" "But I mean, when you watch Bonanza and Little Joe falls in love with a woman, you know she is gonna die!" "As soon as he starts stronging it with a sort, you can guarantee she's gonna catch a fever, get trampled in a stampede or the Indians are gonna 'ave her!" "That's not gonna happen to Raquel!" "I know it won't." "I thought about it last night and I thought to myself, whatever happens, Raquel is NOT going to end up full of arrows!" "I thought I'd have a quick livener and then go round to her flat." "Well done, Del!" "You stuff what the others think, eh?" "Right, bruv!" "Thank you, Rodney." "You stuck by me." "You're a diamond!" "Oh, get off!" "I'll never forget that." "You did laugh at the time, though." "Yeah, but I didn't know who it was!" "So this is all serious stuff, then?" "Well, no." "We're not talking about marriage or even living together." "It's just that...well...we're just gonna BE there for each other." "Cheers, Rodney." "All the best, Del." "Cheers." "You can imagine - I felt like a right dipstick!" "I know we all 'ad a laugh, Del, but no offence was meant." "None taken." "Albert's been threatening to get even with you!" "Del won't eat a thing Albert cooks!" "Take that rum over for him, Rodney." "Right." "Look at the time!" "I'm supposed to be round Raquel's by noon." "Give 'er my love, will yer?" "I will, Mike." "Cheers." "There you go, Albert." "Has he decided?" "He's going round to her flat." "Good." "She wouldn't have been happy touring round the Middle East." "Did I tell you about my time in Cairo?" "You must have, Albert." "You must have!" "Oh, ga-a-awd!" "What's up?" "!" "I gotta go!" "I gotta go!" "Blimey, you wanna clean your pipes!" "It's gone right through him, that has!" "Anyway, I must be off." "I'll see ya." "Ta-ta." "Is your name Trotter?" "Yes, that's my name." "That's me." "Is that your yellow van out there?" "With "Trotter" written on it(?" ") Yes." "Two weeks ago a similar van shot the lights at Lewisham Hill." "We're questioning the owners of all such vehicles." "O-o-oh, well!" "Look no FURTHER, officers." "It was me!" "It's a fair cop." "I dunnit!" "You disappoint me, Uncle!" "Either you're not taking this very seriously or you don't understand the implications of your statement!" "I'm in a hurry." "Can we get on with it?" "What do you mean?" "Come on, get 'em off!" "I thought you'd 'ave come up with something more original!" "It's got nothing to do with me!" "If it wasn't, what...?" "Oh, my gawd!" "Nick him!" "No, please!" "I'm meeting someone at noon!" "That's right - our desk sergeant!" "You two will get on well!" "Look, can you take me round to Herrington Road?" "Turn left..." "Oh, thanks very much, PAL(!" ")" "Can I make a phone call?" "You're allowed one." "What's the time?" "Twenty to one." "Oh, terrific(!" ") You don't know the code for Addis Ababa, do you?" "# We've got some half price cracked ice" "# Miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze" "# And David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains what's names, leather goods" "# Trevor Francis tracksuits" "# From a mush in Shepherds Bush Bush bush bush bush bush bush bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor" "# We'll cut prices at a stro-o-oke!" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street... #" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"