"Anyway, I'm not..." "I'm not gonna do that again." "I didn't think you'd mind." "Yeah." "So listen, I have something that I..." "I think I should tell you." "Okay." "It's... it's kind of weird, and I hope you don't mind that I haven't told you yet, it's just..." "Well, I mean, look, really, I'm telling you now because I have had a really nice time tonight." "I like you." "You do?" "Yeah." "That is weird." "I just..." "I mean, I'd like to do this again." "Really?" "Yeah." "So do I, I'd love to see you again." "Yeah." "That..." "Wow." "That's nice, 'cause you're telling me in the middle of the date, that's really nice." "Is that what you wanted to tell me?" "No." "No, that's... that's why I want to tell you what I'm going..." "To tell you." "Please, go ahead." "Well..." "I have a kid." "You do?" "Yeah, yeah, and it's just..." "It's weird, I know, to tell someone that when you first meet them, and guys can get really weird about it sometimes." "No, no, no, no, I'm not..." "It's okay, it's okay." "I get why somebody would be weird about it." "I do, but, you know, it's..." "I gotta say, it's really hard to get to know somebody..." "Lisa, Lisa, listen." "Listen, you have a kid." "That's great." "I mean, what do you have, how old?" "He's a boy." "His name is Jack..." "He's... he's six years old." "Really, six years old?" "So, what, kindergarten, first grade?" "First grade." "That's a great age." "That's such a great time." "Wow, you... you're just being so great about this." "Well, listen, I..." "I, uh..." "I got..." "This is really funny because I have something to tell you, too." "Yeah?" "What, what's that?" "Well, I..." "I have two kids." "You do?" "Yeah, I've got two girls." "Lilly, nine years old, and Jane is four." "It's hilarious, because all night we've been not telling each other something and it was the same thing." "You know, I just don't think I can take this on right now." "A guy with..." "a guy with kids?" "Yeah, I just..." "Wow, that's..." "that's a lot." "I..." "But..." "Yeah, that's..." "That's kind of a bummer." "It's a bummer?" "Well, I guess I..." "Thought you..." "And so the squirrel and the dog waited for the bus, and they waited and waited." "And the bus must have been delayed, because it was taking a very long time, and they just waited and they waited for the bus." "Daddy, this story is boring." "Shh, it's supposed to be boring." "I'm trying to put you to sleep, that's why it's boring." "And so they waited for the bus and then an old woman came along and she sat on the bench, too, and then she waited for the bus and they all waited for the bus." "Daddy, this story is so boring that it's keeping me awake." "Sing a song, daddy." "I..." "I sang already for a half an hour, girls." "Please!" "No, you have to get to sleep." "No, sing a song!" "I'm not gonna sing." "I'm not gonna sing a song, just go to sleep." "Yes, you are!" "I'm tired." "No, yes, you are." "Please, daddy, sing a song." "I'm not singing." "Please!" "Just go to sleep." "No, sing!" "Sing!" "Are you seriously crying 'cause I'm not gonna sing?" "Putting the kids... putting the kids to bed is torture." "That's the hardest thing in the world to do, because they don't want to sleep." "They're just laying there." "They have to sleep, it's important that they sleep, otherwise they're just pieces of shit the next day." "I want to sleep." "I just want to stop them, I want it to stop." "And I love my kids, they're great, but I just want..." "At the end of the day, I got nothing left, and they're just laying there like "Clockwork Orange."" "They have no interest in going to sleep." "I just want to stop their ceaseless joy for life  So I can watch "Cash Cab" and jack off and pass out." "I want the joy and challenge of ( bleep ) parenthood to end so I can go eat all the ice cream in the freezer that they have no idea is there." "And it would break their hearts if they knew how much ice cream I keep in the house." "It's like a restaurant." "It's a disgusting amount of ice cream." "And it's not for them." "I never give them ice cream." "It's mine." "I wait 'til they're asleep and I eat it in their room above their beds in the dark." "That's right, it's mine." "They won't fall asleep." "And they say all sorts of cool stuff at night, too, but I don't want to hear it, I don't." "I want them to be asleep." "The other night, I thought my kids..." "I was like, I think they're asleep, then I hear, "daddy!" "Birds are like paintbrushes that make colors in the sky."" "Honey, shut your mouth right now." "Just shut your goddamn mouth!" "I will kill a bird in front of you." "Oh, shit, that's right." "Karen, hi." "Hi." "Hey." "I kind of forgot that I called you." "Are you crying?" "No." "Hi." "Are the girls asleep?" "Yeah, they just..." "I just put 'em down." "Well, I'm not gonna be long." "I don't really have anywhere..." "anywhere to go." "So I just thought I..." "I could use the night out." "I just forgot." "All right, good night." "Hey, Karen." "I got nowhere to go." "So let me just pay you like you've been here for a couple hours and you can take off." "You can just go home." "Louie, please just get out of here." "What?" "Just go." "You do this all the time, you don't go anywhere." "Well, why...why do you..." "why do you care?" "Because it's depressing." "It's just sad." "You can't just be all by yourself all the time." "Look, Karen, thank you, but I'm okay." "I got the girls and I'm fine." "Do you think the girls don't know that you're alone?" "Do you want to teach them that a good man just has nobody?" "You have to be whole for them." "You need to be with somebody who's gonna care for you." "A man needs that." "That's none of my business, but I can't just sit here and watch you waiting to die!" "I didn't realize I was..." "Please just get out of here and try to get laid." "Just have fun!" "Meet someone, you know!" "If you don't give a shit about yourself, you do it so the girls won't have a depressing loser for a father." "Just go!" "Okay, all right." "I don't have anywhere to go, but I'll try." "I'll... it's okay, take it easy, okay?" "I'm fine, I'm fine." "I'm going out." "Bye." "But why don't you just... you're completely lying to me right now." "Can I just... can you give me a chance to explain?" "No, well, you can if you're not gonna be lying." "Can I just explain..." "no, you just... you never... you never let me say what I have to say, all right?" "Well, then tell me what you have to say." "Do you always have to interrupt?" "Because you are a liar." "Can I talk?" "Can I talk?" "Yes." "No, you're just never gonna..." "Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Hi, how you doing?" "Are you... are you in the army, or..." "I got nothing, man." "What the hell was that?" "You know what you gotta do?" "You gotta hang out with those black comics." "Those guys know how to get laid." "Watch how they go after this chick." "Watch this, it's unbelievable." "I'm not going to that wack club." "Dude, look, man." "I know the doorman, man, we get in real quick." "Hey, what's up, ladies, how y'all doing?" "So where we going tonight?" "Come on, we going to a club, we going out, what's up?" "Let's go, let's go." "Come on." "What's your name, boo?" "Let's see... uh, Lisa." "Yeah, Nick's right, man, you gotta be like that." "You gotta be confident, black, handsome, not boring." "Don't wear that shirt." "Hey, guys." "Oh, what's up, C.K.?" "Hey, man, can I... can I hang out with you tonight?" "You want to hang out with us?" "Listen, man, I know that I'm older and I don't really run at your speed and... it's just, you know how to do this whole thing and I don't really know..." "So you want to hang out with the brothers so you can get some pussy, huh?" "Never mind, thanks anyway." "No, no, no." "Come back, come back." "No, no, you can hang with us, man." "We're gonna get you laid, tonight, all right?" "We got you, brother." "Thank you." "Yo, it's a big world out there, man." "We gonna find you something." "All right, ladies, this is Louie C.K." "He's gonna be hanging out with us tonight." "Yeah." "He's 40 years old." "Oh, my God, seriously?" "I'm actually 42, yeah, I'm old." "Let's go." "Okay." "Yo!" "What up, big cousin?" "All right." "Pardon me, pimp, let me get by you." "Sorry about that." "All right, excuse me..." "How you doing?" "You look good, girl." "My man, my man." "Yeah, what's up, dude?" "All right, what's up?" "Come on, man, damn." "What's up, boy?" "Come on, man." "Live comedy, check it out." "Who likes comedy?" "Hey, what's up, bro?" "How you doing?" "How you doing?" "Got a crowd in there?" "Crowd's like 12 drunks." "There's like an Israeli couple making out in the back." "Want to do some time?" "Yeah, can I do like five minutes?" "Yeah, of course, man, come on." "Thanks." "Come on." "I got divorced about a year ago and it's kinda... y'know, divorce is not..." "it's like being free, but on the other end of a long prison term." "So it's like they just give you your old suit back that you wore at court when you got convicted." "You get a little paper bag with what shit you had in your pockets." "They give you about $8 and drop you off at the bus station." "And you gotta learn how to reenter society." "Now, I'm not saying that I'm gonna carve my name on a beam and hang myself, it's not quite that bad, but I definitely..." "Here's it." "I'm 42, I'm really good at masturbating." "I'm like the best masturbator on the planet earth." "I'm really... there is nobody better at that than me, so I'm gonna continue to excel at that." "I'm gonna focus on that and raising my children." "I know it's not nice to say both those things in one sentence, but they happen to be the two things that I do the best." "Hey, Karen." "Hey." "Karen, wake up." "Hi." "Hey, hi." "Hey." "Wow, so you had fun, huh?" "Yeah, yeah, I was out." "It was crazy." "Partied and got drunk." "Chick with big boobs and we, you know, made out, it was great." "So thank you." "You were right, I really needed to get out, so... so great." "Thanks, here you go." "And sorry that I'm late." "I didn't mean to keep you..." "Oh, no, I'm glad." "Good, good." "I just don't want you to just be alone, you know?" "I know, I know, thank you very much, thanks a lot, babe." "Daddy!" "Good morning, daddy." "Good morning?" "It's 4:00 in the morning." "Why are you guys..." "why are you awake?" "I'm hungry." "You're hungry?" "Daddy, can we go out to breakfast?" "You want to go out to breakfast now?" "Thank you very much." "Good night." "Woo, woo!"