"Previously on The Last Man on Earth..." "LEWIS:" "Appears to be a totally self-sustainable building." " (electricity powers down)" " No!" "Lewis." "It's not me!" "Then who the hell did?" "I did!" "You breaking up with me?" "GAIL:" "Melissa's not well." "She needs you right now." "I'm finally ready to have a baby with you." "Hey, Lewis." "I wanted to apologize for accusing you of sabotaging the building, and I thought it'd be fun to frame that apology in a song." "Sorry, Tandy, this is not really the time." "What's wrong, bud?" "Today would've been my anniversary with Mark, so I'm just not in the mood for whatever this is gonna be." "Mark was your partner?" "Yes." "Change of plans." "Apology song now a tribute-to-Mark song." "So just tell me five things about him." "Actually, I-I know he's Asian, so just four things." "He's not Asian." "Really?" "Huh." "Oh." "Gay though?" "(softly):" "Yeah." "Okay, so just three more things." "Come on, Lewis." "Give me the deets." "He was a Pisces, we lived in Seattle, and last time I saw him, he was boarding a flight to Tokyo." "Got it." "♪ Mark, Mark, if approached in a park ♪" "♪ I bet he'd say "My name is Mark" ♪" "♪ Mark, Mark, if he had an ark ♪" "♪ Bet he'd sail in the dark ♪" "♪ And go to a park with a shark ♪" "♪ Mark, Mark ♪" "♪ Marcia Clark ♪" "♪ Lark ♪" "♪ Closure, closure, closure, closure, closure ♪" "♪ The closure that I feel in my bones and my teeth ♪" "♪ Closure, closure, closure, closure, closure ♪" "♪ Closure for you ♪" "♪ And for my... ♪" "♪ Mark, Mark, Mark. ♪ (chuckles)" "Thank you very much." "That didn't help at all." "Yes." "Lewis." "So, last time you saw him, he was on his way to Tokyo?" "He went on a business trip." "The virus broke out." "They grounded all flights." "Last I heard from him, he was trying to charter some kind of boat to get back here." "Oh, my God, that's awesome!" "So he's sailing out here?" "That was three years ago, Tandy." "So he must be getting close." "Tandy, come on." "What?" "He died." "Well, maybe." "I'll even go so far as to say probably." "But who knows?" "Okay, got another song coming at you, okay?" "♪ Mark, Mark, may I remark ♪" "♪ That your lover, Mark ♪" "♪ Could possibly be alive ♪" "♪ Open-ended ♪" "♪ Open, open-ended ♪" "♪ The open-ended nature of unwitnessed death ♪" "Lewis!" "♪ Open-ended ♪" "♪ Open, open-ended ♪" "♪ He's running down the hallway and hanging a right ♪" "I see you!" "♪ Open ended ♪" "♪ Open, open ended ♪" "♪ Got to talk more about this Mark situation. ♪" "Gail?" "Wine-sicle?" "Oh, forgot." "You can't drink right now." "Yeah, funny you should mention that." "I was going through my old baby clothes, and I realized something that made me so sad." "My baby will never have a grandma." "Or fresh food or friends or a prom." "(chuckles):" "Oh, it'll have a prom." "Anyways," "I was just wondering if you would ever consider being my baby's grandma." "I'm not sure I'm loving the ring of that." "Well, we can come up with another name for it." "Mama Klosterman, Grammy, Gamgam, Bubbie, Mumsy, Mimsie, Mimi," "Nana, Gaga, Goo-goo, Zaza," "Lala, Tata, Jaja, Fafa," "Biba, Popo, Nono, Caca, Shasha, Nee-Nee-Nee..." "Are you having some kind of a stroke?" "A stroke of genius." "Listen." "I'm not sure I feel like being the old-ass granny right now, so..." " But this..." " It's a no, Carol." "Hey, Lewis." "I like the place." "Really coming together, huh?" "Oh, is this Mark?" "Yup." "TANDY:" "Interesting." "What do you want, Tandy?" "I want you to come with me to Seattle." "Why Seattle?" "Got a little surprise for you." "Hmm." "Does it have anything to do with Mark?" "Maybe." "Mark is dead." "Now please leave." "Okay, now, wait a minute." "Y-You said yourself, you never saw him die." "So, who knows, huh?" "So, let's go." "Come on." "Come on, let's do it." "Tandy, I'm not going to Seattle with you." "I'm afraid I insist!" "(knock on door)" "Hey, Lewis, I just wanted to see if you could help me out with a very important chore." "I know what you're doing." "You're trying to get me in your car so you can drive me to Seattle." "No, I'm not." "Swear on your baby's life." "I swear on my baby's bife." "What's a bife?" "I have a cold." "Tennis with the Williams sisters' rackets?" "Oh, come on!" "Uh, could you help me, uh, reattach my eyebrows out here?" "Gardening, anyone?" " I'm not going to Seattle." " Seattle?" "What?" "!" "I'm not..." "Okay." "(knock on door)" "Tandy, I am not going to Seattle!" "I know." "I-I just wanted to say I'm sorry." "You know, I thought" "I would be helping, but I was doing it more for me than I was for you." "It was so selfish." "So... anyway, I got you a little anniversary present." "Used the bad wrap job." "(Taser crackling, Lewis groaning)" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "This is gonna be really good for you, though." "TANDY:" "So sorry." "(grunts)" "(engine starts)" "(siren wailing)" "What possible reason do you have for taking me to Seattle?" "Mark is not gonna be there!" "Well, he may not be there now, but what if he comes back in the future, huh?" "I mean, he needs to know where we are, and that is why we're gonna leave him a note with our address." "Mark is dead, Tandy!" "Well, my brother was dead, too." "He was up in space." "Not Tokyo, but friggin' outer space." "And then somehow, my dead brother managed to make it to Earth and find me in Malibu, alive." "Now, if a miracle could happen for me, why can't it happen for you?" "Because it can't, okay?" "You know, I know why you get short with me." "(sighs) Must be so hard for you to have to look at me all the time and be reminded of him every step of the way." "Reminded of who?" "I think you know." "Kind of feel like masturbating. (chuckles)" "In what way do you think you look like Mark?" "In what way do I not?" "Bone structure, you know, uh, playfulness of the cheeks, uh, come hither eyes, uh, pouty lips." "There is not one similarity." "That's what you should keep telling yourself." "Nice miss." "Hello, lady friends." "So, Gail." " Yeah?" " You're worried that once a baby calls you Grandma, you cease to be attractive." "Not so." "I made some drawings to illustrate my point." "I call it "Grannies That You Want to Get in Their Panties."" "(chuckles):" "Okay." "Check out these fine-lookin' memaws." "Ooh." "Goldie Hawn." "I bet she goes overboard showering her grandkids with gifts." "She was in the movie Overboard." "Yeah, I got..." "I got it." "Beyoncé's mom." "Who runs the world?" "Grandmas." "Kris and Caitlyn Jenner." "Double granny whammy there." "And look at this." "There's you, Gail. (gasps softly)" "Wow, wow." "Okay, now, chapter two:" "Homely Lonelys." "These are plain women who don't have grandkids." "See?" "Oh, geez!" "Okay, Carol, okay, good." "Fine." "Your kid can call me Grandma or Memaw or whatever the hell you want." "Just let me get back to my cornhole." "This is the best news." "Thank you so much!" " Throwing." " Okay." "Yellow!" "Whoo!" "TANDY:" "We're getting close." "LEWIS:" "Tandy, this is ridiculous!" "Please take that bag off of your head." "No can do, bud." "I can't let you fall in love with me." "I got too much respect for Mark." "It's dangerous." "And I'd say it's more dangerous for you to see me without it." "Tandy, I..." "Wait." "Stop!" "TANDY:" "What?" "What?" "That's our house." "It's showtime, bud." "Go on up there and, uh, write that note." "This is so dumb, this is all so dumb." "Tandy!" "Well, we're not leaving here until you do it." "(quietly):" "Damn it." "(door creaks)" "(crying softly)" "(floorboard creaks)" "(whispers):" "Mark..." "Hey, bud." "You left the, uh, front door locked behind you, so I, uh, uh..." "Oh, shoot." "Did you think I was Mark?" "Oh, my God." "That's my bad." "That's a major beef." " I'm so sorry." "Look, I'm so sorry." " Get out." " No, no, no." "I wasn't thinking." " Get out of my house." "You are the most frustrating, annoying lunatic" " I have ever met!" " Okay..." "And I was on a boat with Pat!" "There you are." "Took me forever to make the proper paperwork." "So if I could just get a few Jane Hancocks, we'll be all set." "What is all this?" "Adoption papers." "What?" "Why?" "If you're gonna be the baby's grandmother, then I need to be your daughter." "Duh." "Don't you think adoption papers are a little bit unnecessary?" "I would agree with you 100% on opposite day." "These are very necessary." "Well, I happen to think it's very necessary for me to not sign them." "Gail!" "Why are you trying to ruin my life?" "Carol, do you really not see how nutty this all is?" "Hey, don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!" "I'm going to my room!" "(sighs)" "Drinking a little, uh, "chom-pag-nee"?" "Mark and I were saving it for our anniversary, but what the hell." "Oh, no, no." "No, don't open that." "No, you got to save that for when Mark comes back." "God, you are a broken record." "No, no, Lewis, come on, please, please, please don't open it." "Uh, trust me." "Please, please." "(cork pops)" "You think it's so dumb to leave a note, don't you?" "Well, I have a story about leaving a note." "I was gonna kill myself." "I was just gonna drive into a rock." "And I don't know why, but I looked up and I saw this plume of smoke, and it was Carol." "And she saved me." "And the only reason that Carol showed up there was 'cause of those signs." "Those "Alive in Tucson" signs." "Signs that I was positive nobody would ever see." "So don't leave your note." "You know." "Whatever." "I was just trying to help." "Enjoy your champagne." "TODD:" "Melissa?" "_" "MELISSA:" "I understand you're a man who knows how to get things." "What is all this, hon?" "Why, it's Shawshank Prison, of course." "Look, Melissa, I just..." "Who's Melissa?" "Red, it's me, Andy." "Now, I understand you're a man who knows how to get things." "Okay, look, this is fun and everything, but I just, I'm not in the mood to do this right now..." "Red!" "I understand you're a man who knows how to get things." "(sighs):" "Oh..." "(imitating Red):" "I've been known to locate certain things from time to time." "Can you get me a baby?" "I don't think we have those." "Then I guess we'll have to make one." "So let's get busy gettin' busy, or get busy dyin'." "Some say Red was a little concerned about Andy at that point." "Red didn't want to role-play anymore, and just wanted to talk to his old pal Melissa." " She's right inside me." " (normal voice):" "Look, enough!" "You're not okay, Melissa!" "Something is seriously wrong with you, and we need to get you some help." "Ready to go?" "(sighs) There's just one last thing." "Carol, can I come in?" "CAROL:" "I don't care." "Okay, then." "Entering." "Are you not gonna look at me?" "I'm drawing." "Oh, God." "Okay, well, I was gonna apologize for calling you nuts, but I guess..." "But what?" "Now you're not?" "(scoffs)" "Okay, forget this." "(mumbling):" "If you think it's so dumb, then just sign 'em." "What's that?" "(mumbling):" "I said, if you don't care, then just sign it." "Carol, I cannot understand you when you talk like that." "(over-enunciating):" "If you think the adoption papers are so nutty, then who cares if you sign them?" "Because I'm not signing them." "And why the hell are they so damn important to you anyway?" "(scoffs)" "'Cause they are!" "And if they are, then you should just do it!" "So just sign them!" " No." " Sign it!" "No." " Just sign it!" " I'm not!" "Why not?" "!" "Because, Carol," "I've already been someone's mom, and I don't want to do it again!" "I had a son." "And he died." "I'm so sorry, Gail." "I didn't know." "Was it the virus?" "No." "♪ Mmm, sweet Caroline ♪" "BOTH: ♪ Ba, ba, ba ♪" "♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪" "BOTH: ♪ So good, so good, so good. ♪" "Okay, wait, wait, wait a second." "You're not supposed to sing." "You're supposed to be all super sad and dour." "I left a note." "Yeah, I saw." "Look, he's probably gone." "But... who knows?" "You know, maybe I'll get lucky like you did with Mike." "(quietly):" "Yeah." "Oh, my God." "I'm-I'm sorry I brought that up." "No, no, I-I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to see your own brother pass." "But at least you know, right?" "(engine revving, siren wailing)" "LEWIS:" "Whoa." "What's going on?" "We got one more stop to make." "We're going to Tucson." "Gail?" "It's okay." "(sighs) If I had known any of that," "I would have never done the adoption papers or anything." "I just..." " The last thing I want to do is..." " I know." "I know." "And, just so you know, this wasn't really about you being the grandma." "I think this was more about me missing my own mom." "I just didn't think I'd have to go through having a baby without her by my side." "And you remind me of her." "Not in every way." "You drink." "You smoke." "You swear." "You are bad at crafts, Gail." "And you run around with young men." "I guess, really, you just remind me of her because of your age." "Okay, well... (chuckles)" "And 'cause I love you." "I love you, too, Carol." "Aw, hell, where's the damn papers?" "Oh. (sputters) Really?" "Uh, no." "We don't have to do that." "If you want to, I would love to, but we don't..." "Carol, just go get them before I change my mind." "You got it, Mom...!" "(sighs)" "You sure about this?" "Yeah." "What's that?" "That's Gary." "You okay?" "I left a note."