"Kids, I never would have met your mother without a little luck." "Specifically, the luck of the Irish." "St. Patrick's Day." "The one day of the year when every young person  in New York goes out and gets crazy." "Really crazy." "Okay, maybe not that crazy." "But by 2008 we'd all had enough." "Well, most of us." "Who wants to kiss the Barney Stone?" "Look it's the Riddler." "That's not the Riddler, that's Gumby." "Hey Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later?" "Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury." "All right, laugh all you want but this is my lucky St. Patty's day suit." "I have dry cleaned many a stain off this baby." "You know why it's lucky?" "Because it's green!" "The color of "go," as in "let's."" "Barney we talked this over and we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year." "Come on." "Let's..." "Are you s- wow, okay..." " I think I got to lie down." " Can we shoot pool on you?" "No, no!" "Unacceptable!" "That's so not Raven!" "Wh" " What are you going to do instead?" "We just got the keys to our new apartment so we're gonna go over there and hang that painting, have board game night." "You're welcome to join us, if you want." "Board game night?" "Board game night!" "Come on!" "Let's drink green beer." "Let's do green Jell-O shots." "Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?" "We're drinking green tea." "With caffeine." "Sorry Peter, we're grown ups now, ... we can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore." "All right, fine," "You know what, I'll celebrate St. Patty's" "Day by myself." "I don't need you people." "You make me physically ill!" "He did look a little green." "Hello?" "Hey. happy St. Patty's Day." "How are you?" "Yeah, I haven't talked to you in forever." "Who is it?" "It's Ted's butt." "Damn it!" "My phone keeps pocket dialing." "That's like 8th time today." "In fairness I did call Ted's butt about 2:00 this afternoon." "It took long enough to call you back." "Barney?" "Where are you?" "In a cab, heading downtown with our hot and sexy dates for the evening." "Yes, it happens that fast!" "We're going to that club, Lowpoint." "And you're coming with us." "Barney, for the last time..." "All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall and Lily because they're old and married and it's too late for them anyway." "But Ted, the world is Going to come to an end tonight." "Yes, think about it." "End of the world, Nostradamus, Notre Dame," "Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day." "This is it, bro." "Bro-pocalypse Now" "Bro-megeddon" "Ted, you are young, you're single." "You will have so much more fun with me." "Do you really want to spend your Last night on Earth playing board games with Marshall and Lily?" "My hands smell weird." "Smell this." "They do, that's new." "I'll be there in five minutes." "Yes all right!" "He's in." "Ted is a great guy." "You..." "You're going to love him." "So on March 17, 2008, I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party." "And it's a good thing I did because, funny story," "Your mother was there." "Hi, have you met Ted?" "Hi, I'm Mary." "Hi, happy St. Patty's Day." "I haven't met ted either." "I'm Stefanie." "Hi" "Dude, back off." "I called dibs on Stefanie." " Okay, Mary's hot." " Well then I want Mary." "Fine." "Oh, I see reverse psychology." " Then I'm sticking with Stefanie, Dr. Freud." " Ok" " Which one do you want more." " Either one." " I want them both." " You're an idiot." "It may be a moot point." "It doesn't look like we're getting in." "Look at this." "You know why there's a line?" "It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily, ...and now the universe is punishing us for it, that's why." "What's it going to cost us to get in?" "$20?" "$40?" "Dude come on, you're making the wee folk look bad." "Just give him your pot of gold." "Is it just you two?" "Don't worry we're not gonna blow your ratio." "We happen to have two very hot girls with us." "Mine is the hotter one." "Sorry guys, if it was just you two, you could go in right now." "We've got nothing but girls in there." "People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar." "Would you excuse us for just a minute?" "Ted I'm going to be honest" "I was full of it with that Nostradamus thing..." "No... but I'm starting to think there is some serious planetary crap going on here tonight." "Never in the history of New York City nightclubs has there been a shortage of dudes." "Not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883." " We've got to ditch these girls." " You dragged them all the way down here." "I don't see no ring on this finger." "Hold on." "Excuse me." "Are the girls in there hotter than our dates?" "I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker." "Rock and roll." "Welcome to your new dream home, milady." "All right, all right." "Put me down, Robin thinks we're weird." "No it's fine, it was only weird on the subway." "I'm going to check the other rooms to see if the previous owners left us any free stuff." "I'm gonna hang our first piece of art." "There's already a nail." "Hey Lily, free nail!" "Score!" " How's that?" " Perfect." " Now this is ridiculous." "Is it the nail?" " Marshall." " Is the wall crooked or something?" " Marshall." " Is there a draft in here?" " Marshall." " What?" " Your apartment is crooked." " What do you mean?" "It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it." "And once you noticed it, you couldn't not notice it." "Lilly and Marshall's new apartment was crooked." "Oh, no!" "No, no!" "Oh, no, no!" "No, no!" "Yes." "Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings, and then some, on a crooked apartment?" "Oh my god!" "Oh, she's gonna flip!" "Look what I found in the kids' room!" "Free skateboard." "Score!" "Free Hungry, Hungry Hippos." "Double score!" "I'm going to check the kitchen!" "How can she not notice this?" "It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here." "We have keep this quiet, lf Lily finds out her dream house is crooked, it'll break her heart." "Free salad strainer." "I love this place!" " Just for tonight, okay?" " Ok" "It's gonna be an uphill battle." "I'm just saying we have to think of the right angle." "I have a third one but I'm not going to say it." "I think we've stumbled into some sort of ethical worm hole." " Green suit." " Yeah" "I ditched Marshall and Lily and was rewarded with two beautiful girls." "Suits made of green." "We bailed on those two beautiful girls and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls." "38 long." "It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse." " Can you put it on my tab." " What's the last name." "Garido." "I'm going to try something and if this works..." " Ah, hey." " Hey, what can I get you guys?" "A bottle of Dom Perignon and can you put it on my tab?" "Sure." "What's your name?" " Garido." " Dude" "Oh, you're right." "Make it two bottles." "Now we wait and see if something good hap" " Ooh!" "Oh, hello." "St. Patrick's Day tradition." "If you're not wearing green, you've gotta get pinched." "Well, I guess I got what I deserved." "I'm not wearing green either." "This is deep teal, the lighting makes it..." "I'm Ted" "Ashlee, with two Es" "Please." "Cs, at most." "You guys should come join me and my friends." "We have a bottle of Tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons." "Okay, it's official, do bad things, good things happen." "Shh!" "Ted, listen." "Are you hearing that?" "That's the universe." "The universe is talking to us." "We don't have to build a baseball field, do we?" "No, the universe is telling us that we have a free pass tonight." "The universe is saying that we don't have to live in fear of the..." " Are you still there?" " Yeah, I'm here." " Of the repercussions of our actions." "There is no waiting for tomorrow." "Because - do you know why Ted?" "There is no tomorrow." "No tomorrow, huh?" "By the way, Mr. Garido?" "Second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar." "Enjoy." "No tomorrow!" "Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now?" "I win again!" "Why do I keep winning?" "Maybe your hippo's just hungrier hungrier than ours." "That's it." "That's what is." "It's not gravity, that's for sure." "I'll tell you that." "What was that?" "What's going on here?" "Okay, Lily, while you were in the other room, Robin and I..." "We discovered something about the apartment." "It's not a big deal." "It's not like a disaster." "It's just something that we're going to have to learn to live with." " Robin and I saw a ghost." " What?" " Oh, he's kidding, right?" " No, we really saw a ghost." "What did it look like?" "A sheet with two holes in it." "He was a Confederate General who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot." "And now he wanders these halls vowing revenge against the Union cannonade that once felled him." "But he seems nice. good guy." "Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere." "You see ghosts at Starbucks." "That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf." "Last time that happened." "Robin, you're a skeptic, so, if you say you saw a ghost..." "It passed right through me and suddenly I felt cold." "So very cold." "You know Ashlee, you'll probably just want to get up and walk away, but, I just have to test out this theory I've been working on." "Tonight, I'm not looking for a relationship." "I really just want to hook Up with you, leave before breakfast, and never see you again." " I'm in." " Unbelievable." "Hot damn, that's a deep navel!" "No tomorrow, Ted!" "No tomorrow, Barney!" "No tomorrow, huh?" "I like that idea." "Because if there is a tomorrow, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble." " Why is that?" " I'm married." "Tell me you're messing with me guys." "You didn't actually see a ghost." "It's not a big deal baby." "He seemed friendly." "You said he's a Confederate General." "They're the bad guys!" "And he's probably racist!" "He seems polite." "He has courtly Southern manners." "I'm not gonna raise our kids here!" "I don't want some Confederate General ghost teaching them his racism!" "He loves people of all colors and creeds." "He was fighting for state rights." "That's all." "Robin said he was wearing a sheet!" "What do you think that means?" "The apartment is crooked!" "What?" "Robin and I didn't see a ghost." "The floor is crooked, isn't it?" "Yeah." "We spent our entire life savings on this floor." "The next 30 mortgage paying years of our lives will be spent on this floor and it's crooked!" "Thanks a lot, Robin." "How is racist ghost better than crooked?" "Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better." " Oh, I'm sorry." " That's okay." "So I'm having second thoughts about that theory." "I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows." "Not that theory." "You have to be more specific, Ted Because I have so many theories." "The whole do bad, good things happen." "Ashlee is married." "So?" "What do you mean, "so?"" "Open your brain tank, bro, because here come some premium, 91 octane, knowledge." "There's three rules of cheating." "It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married." "It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels" "And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code." "You're fine on all three counts." "How do you know she's from a different area code?" "She's 516." "She might dress like 718, act like 212, ...but trust me, she is 516." "Oh, and her husband, ...letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day?" "If that dude's not 973, I'm 307." "Wyoming." "We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture." "We won't be able to get a pinball machine." "Unless we put a book under two of the legs or something." "But then what if we wanna read those books?" "This is a nightmare." "We can't raise our kids here." "They will grow up slanted." "If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen." "I don't think we can live here Marshall." "I don't know what we're gonna to do." "Marshall?" "Open the door." "If I make to it the door, that's five points." "Woo-hoo!" "Yeah!" "Five points." "10 bucks says I can do it backwards." "So Lily and Marshall decided to make the best of a bad situation, ...and that's also how the sport of apartment roller luge was invented." "Very careful, very, oh, yeah!" "So she's married." "It's not like she has kids." "How do you know?" "Wrists!" "It's like you don't even listen to me." " Oh, hey." " Hey." " Where did you go." " Well, I just, I..." "Was it something I said?" "No, no, no, it's just..." "Well, you're married and we've been drinking and I was worried we might..." "This is a very bad idea." " We have a problem." " Hey, hey, hey." " Is this your husband?" " I've never seen this man in my life." " Ok, what's our problem?" " Rick, Rick Garido." "According to the bartender, I'm the guy that's been ...buying you champagne all night." "Ok, there's a very simple explana..." "The next thing I know, the police show up, ...they arrest the other guy and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night." "It was awesome!" "Awesome?" "Yeah..." "You don't see anything wrong with that story?" "Well I lost my new phone back in the club somewhere..." "What the hell is wrong with you, dude?" "I lose things" "You kissed a married woman, Ted!" "You committed credit card fraud!" "You kissed a married woman!" "Do you know how offensive that is to me?" "You're turning into Barney!" "We don't need another Barney!" "It's St. Patty's Day!" "It wasn't as bad as it sounds." "It wasn't as bad as it sounds?" " No" " Huh?" "Okay." "I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted." "First skipped message" "I don't see no ring on this finger." "And then last night started coming back to me." "The real version." "Are the girls this there hotter than our dates?" "I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker." "Rock and roll!" " How many messages did I..." " 17" "Kids it's sometimes possible to think you're doing just fine in life..." "Next message" "Can you put it on my tab?" "Sure, what's the last name?" "Garido." "And then someone opens your eyes a little bit..." "And you realize... i.Next message" "I really want to hook up with you, leave before breakfast, and never see you again." "Your whole world is off balance..." "Next message" "Out of whack..." "Ok, look, bro, there's a very simple explana..." "Crooked" "That was hard to listen to." "No one likes how they sound on an answering machine." "Thanks for doing that." "You yelled at me." "You got very firm with me." "Very confident." "It was cool." "Thanks." " You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall." " Shut up..." "Veins, crazy muscles in your neck." "You're like the Kentucky Derby-winning steed." "You're ruining a nice moment." "At one point I thought we were going to kiss." "Ted, seriously, I'm married." "A slanted floor." "Architecturally speaking fixing that's gonna be..." "Very, very, very, expensive." "And it's going to take some time too ...so, it looks like you're stuck with us for a ...little while longer, if that's okay?" "Are you kidding?" "I love it" "I don't know what's going to happen without you guys around." "Where are you going?" "I'm going to get my stupid phone." "So that was St. Patrick's Day 2008." "I found out years later that your mom was at that party." "I just didn't meet her." "And it's a good thing I didn't, because if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me." "Heck, I don't think I like me." "But that's okay." "Tomorrow had arrived." "You see I didn't know it yet, but my luck was about to change." "I'm awesome!"