"[Arty] Night has fallen, Firewood, and the time has come for the last night of camp dance!" "Oh, and don't forget, our visiting group of alumni, the JCs of '81, are gonna be kickin' it alongside us all night." "So slap on that cologne and take a hit of that breath spray, â€˜cause it's time to do some night howling." " [upbeat music playing] - ♪ Everybody was night howling ♪ [automated voice] Launch to commence in 40 minutes." "Look at these fools." "If only they knew." "[all chuckle]" "I'd like to make a toast." "To the successful nuking of a children's sleepaway camp." "[all] Cheers!" "Now, let's go topside." "I wanna see the full destruction in 3-D." "Georgie, grab my camera, would you?" "I'd like to document this." "One step ahead of you, sir. [chuckles]" "[grunts]" "Don't brag, George." "[panting and grunting]" "Modesty is a virtue." "Better get ready for the dance, Coop." "You know Beth wants us all there." "Whatever." "Whoa." "Who pooped in your tuba?" "Ginny dumped me." "Thanks for asking." "Hey, what happened to you, man?" "What does it look like, Gary?" "You blind?" "Don't ask." "Some of these 16-year-old JCs look like they're 21, and I'm 22, so that is a one-year difference." "But they're not 21." "They're 16." "Yeah, exactly!" "Um, has anyone seen Coop or Ginny?" "[mockingly] "Um, has anyone seen Coop or Ginny?"" "God, you're such a blowhard!" "Wow." "Who died and made you mayor of King Shit Mountain?" "You did!" "I did not." "I don't have the jurisdiction for that." "It's an elected position." "Has anybody seen Andy?" "[Andy] I'm right here." "Have you been sitting there the whole time since you lost King of Camp?" "I didn't lose King of Camp!" "The whole competition is bogus!" "Besides, I can't find one person that saw Deegs on the backwards steeplechase course, which means that he ran through the woods to get ahead of me." "And he was wearing gloves during the greased watermelon toss," "which is total violation of the whole-- -[Victor yelling]" "Whoo!" "Who wants to get down?" "[chuckles]" "Finally, somebody's having a good time." "Victor got laid!" "[laughs]" "Ladies and germs, I am an ice-cold Maytag re-fuck-erator." "We all know you're a virgin, Vic." "Correction." "I was a virgin." "Not no more. [chuckles]" "I didded the deed, and then I spreaded my seed." "Hey, have you guys ever tried the thing at the end" "Enough, Victor!" "It's like your weenie's a volcano, but it's not hot lava, it's like hair conditioner?" "Vic!" "No, no, but it's like stuff comes out." "Stop!" "This whole act is getting a little pathetic, dude." "I'm not lying, man." "I'm like you guys now." "Hey, yeah, sure, man." "You'll do it one day." "I did do it!" "Why isn't anybody happy for me?" "I'm happy for you, kid." "Dave, bump the lead at 10:00." "I have got the top story." "[chuckles] Whoa." "Where's the fire, girl?" "You have a top story, Lindsay?" "What is it?" ""Which Shampoo Helps Split Ends"?" "Yeah!" "Or is it "Fun Summer Salads on a Budget"?" "Guys, I have a lead on something huge." "It involves a summer camp and a former president." "Wow, that's great, Linds." "You know, maybe we can take a look and see exactly what you got." "You haven't talked to anyone else yet, right, Linds?" "We have a code six." "Uh..." "No, why?" "No reason." "We just wanna keep the exclusive on this thing." "Uh-huh." "[Dave] Stop her!" "Damn it!" "Where'd she go?" "That way." "Okay." "Out of my way!" "Help!" "Is someone out there?" "If only there was another way out." "Being stuck in here is so grating!" "Grating." "That's it." "A grate." "[gasps] Great!" "A grate!" "[grunts]" "We're here." "Let's go." "[grunts] [panting]" "This just might work." "And now it's time for the popular girls to perform their annual end of summer dance." "[upbeat music playing] -[crowd cheering]" "♪ I got trouble on my mind ♪" " ♪ I got trouble ♪" " You go, girl!" "♪ I got trouble on my mind ♪" "♪ I got trouble in the workplace ♪" "♪ I got trouble in my home ♪" "♪ I got trouble when I stayed up I got trouble... ♪" "Man, was it always this lame?" "This party's a dud." "Is there any booze here?" "Um, no, because it's a party for a bunch of kids." "Whatever." "Let's get this over with." "[Reagan] All right, gentlemen." "Let's get this plan in action." "[thudding] -[exclaims]" "Did you hear something?" "No." "No, I didn't hear anything." "[Bush] Hear what?" "[Reagan] The sound." "I heard a sound." "[sneezes]" "There's something up there." "I heard you." "I heard you." "[Blake farts]" "It's nothing." "Let's go." "[Bush] Let's go!" "[pants and farts]" "[Mitch] All right, there's a secret passageway to the underground bunker in the pantry." "Whatever Reagan's up to, that's where we'll find it." "Follow me." "The theme tonight is Shakespeare, folks, so it's time for a traditional waltz!" "[boy] Oh, good." "I love waltzing." "[waltz playing]" "Is Ashley okay?" "Yeah, I paid a camper $100 to stand over her crib while she slept." "She's safe." "I'm just saying, I haven't done King of Camp in ten years, and this Deegs kid was probably training all summer for today." "Andy!" "Nobody cares." "Nobody!" "It's just a dumb series of goofy contests." "It means nothing!" "You are obsessed with losing something that nobody but you cares about." "When are you gonna grow up?" "Hey, man, ease up." "No, I'm not gonna ease up!" "Andy, you are 26 years old." "What is wrong with you?" "We can't be teenagers forever." "You're right." "Look at me." "I'm a joke." "I gotta go." "Man, you've had a twig in your butt ever since you got here." "If you're so miserable, why'd you even come?" "At this point, I don't even know." "[sighs] [rock music playing]" "[phone dial whirring] [line ringing]" "[phone ringing]" "Hello?" "Hey, Trace." "It's me." "[sighs]" "Are you there?" "Yes." "What do you want, Andy?" "I'm sorry I've been out of touch for a while." "You're sorry?" "[scoffs] Well, I guess that means everything's forgiven." "I just wanted to see how you're doing." "I thought maybe I could talk to Nathan." "I don't think that's a good idea." "You can't just waltz in and out of our lives whenever it suits you." "Mom, who is that?" "No one." "[upbeat music playing]" "♪ You make me want you Every time that you run away ♪" "♪ You got me chasing you down... ♪" "Well, well, well." "If it isn't the grand dame of the Camp Firewood theater scene." "Go away, Logan." "Oh, you want me to leave?" "Is this your barn, too, just like the theater?" "Garth left me." "Oh, my God." "I'm so sorry." "[sighs] I was so stupid." "Come here, you." "You weren't stupid." "You were just in love." "Hey, do you want to dance?" "[crying] No." "[chuckles]" "♪ Wish I could tell you It was me in your backyard ♪" "♪ I left your sneakers, speakers... ♪" "[footsteps approaching]" "[all sigh]" "[whispers] We need a map." "Boys... you know what to do." "[grunts]" "This should do the trick." "Okay, downloading." "Come on." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Oh, come on!" "Yes!" "Got it." "[beeping]" "This way." "Can I tell you something?" "The only reason I'm back here at Firewood is 'cause I blew my big audition in the Berkshires for summer stock ." "I know I can make it in this business, okay?" "But if someone doesn't give me a break, I don't know how I'll do it." "You'll make it, Logan." "You're too talented not to." "It wasn't a mÃ©nage, per se." "Yaron was mostly coaching." "Well?" "Well, what?" "Let me see it." "Oh... [chuckles]" "Okay." "[pants unzip]" "Here it is." "[chuckles] Whoa!" "Yeah." "Look at that thing!" "Looks like a train ran over it." "Well done!" "Thank you, Abby." "That means so much, coming from you." "You could put it back in again." "Okay." "[Greg] Missile should be in here." "This is a fallout barrier." "The steel's gotta be two feet thick." "We'll never get through it." "I know about steel." "I'm made of it." "Stand back." "We got this." "You ready?" "[slow music playing]" "Sorry about Ginny." "What a bummer." "Yeah." "It is." "[sighs] You know, I've been thinking about what you said at the barn before." "Maybe we should..." "give it a chance, you and me." "Oh, Coop, maybe we just got caught up in all that camp nostalgia." "But you should be with Ginny." "Yeah, but that's..." "See, that's not an option anymore." "So I'm saying that's why it should be you and me." "I understand, and you know that I care about you so much." "I just don't want to be a rebound girlfriend." "Maybe at our 20th reunion, we'll both be in a better place." "Wait a second." "What?" "[imitating pirate] Ahoy, mateys!" "I see dry land." "You know, between our videotape series and our unborn child, life is complete." "What should we name the baby?" "Zephaniah if it's a boy and Hephzibah if it's a girl." "Hebrew is such a beautiful-- -[screams]" "Oh, my gosh!" "What is this?" "There's no time to explain." "Where is everyone?" "They're at the dance." "Let's show you." "Let's go." "Come on. [farts]" "You telling me that you've been thinking about me all this time, and now that I'm actually single, you don't even want to be with me anymore?" "But that's not fair, Coop." "I didn't know you had a fiancÃ©e when I came here this weekend." "You can't put that on me." "The only thing I know is, if I hadn't come here this weekend, I'd still be engaged." "Oh, I am so sorry that my presence here is such a disaster for you, Coop." "This whole reunion was a mistake." "You're drunk, aren't you?" "[slurring] Whatever!" "Hey, guys!" "Can I have your attention?" "I thought it might be nice to have one of our former campers speak to what the spirit has meant to him throughout the years." "So please help me welcome Coop!" "[all applaud]" "I spent nine summers at Firewood." "During that time, the spirit of Camp Firewood was as much a part of my experience as all of the first kisses, hikes, cookouts... and all the last-night dances combined." "Now that I've been out in the real world a little bit," "I'm here to tell you one thing I know for sure." "And that one thing... is that the spirit of Camp Firewood is bullshit." "[all gasp]" "It's not real." "There's no magic out in the forest." "[scoffs] It's just some crap they put in the pamphlets so that the parents can feel warm and fuzzy about sending their children away to sleepaway camp for eight weeks." "'Cause spirit doesn't pay the rent!" "And spirit doesn't put food in your belly, or a shirt on your back." "And spirit doesn't help you from feeling lost... and unloved." "Spirit of Camp Firewood is a nice idea, but it's not real." "And it never was." "And it never will be." "[chuckles softly]" "I guess I just found the last chapter to my novel." "Everything sucks." "The end." "[microphone feedback]" "Okay, I guess that's how they used to party in 1981." "Well, here's how we do it in '91." "[hip-hop music playing]" "Guys!" "Emergency!" "What is it?" "President Reagan's coming to destroy Camp Firewood." "We have to evacuate immediately." "Now!" "Let's go!" "Come on, guys, hurry!" "[all clamoring]" "[mechanical whirring]" "[Blake] Oh, God, this is bad!" "[automated voice] Missile in launch position." "Welcome to the last day of camp... ever!" "We need to run!" "The time for running is over." "Now is the time for dying!" "[all clamoring]" "Let me introduce you to Jelly Bean." "Jelly B!" "[J.J.] What does he mean by that?" "Jelly Bean is the name of the missile." "I gave it that name." "That's not really its name, is it?" "[Eric] We're too late." "Half of this nuke is above ground now." "We can't disarm the warhead from down here." "Nope, but if I can find a way into the defense network, there might be another solution." "And this terminal just might be our ticket." "[Mitch] I don't understand." "How's a computer gonna stop a goddamn nuke?" "It's complicated, but it's called the Strategic Defense Initiative, also known as Star Wars." "An interlocking system of satellites that can destroy missiles in space." "Reagan spent billions researching it." "The public thought it was never completed, but secretly, it was." "Should be online now." "Hold tight." "Says "no missile detected."" "Damn it!" "What's that mean?" "What it means is that Reagan must have disabled the missile's tracking system." "Until it's activated, we're flying blind!" "We gotta get to that tracking system, which is located in the top of this missile." "Ah..." "All the way up there?" "Above ground?" "Yeah." "That's a suicide mission." "We'd never come back alive." "Reagan's security would see to that." "I'd rather die a hero than live a coward." "Let's go, brother." "If Eric and I manage to turn on that tracker, you know what to do." "[all clamoring] -[J.J.] Somebody do something!" "[McKinley] Calm down, J.J." "[J.J.] There's gotta be something we can do!" "There's nothing you can do." "The countdown has already begun." "By the time the bomb explodes, I'll be long gone." "Enjoy your last precious moments of life, campers." "[all clamoring] -[laughs]" "We're all fucked!" "No!" "You're not!" "[gasps] What?" "[all murmuring]" "Sorry I missed the reunion, guys." "I had to work." "I love your show!" "Yeah, it is a really good show." "Thanks." "[Blake] My mom loves you, too." "[Victor] Top five." "Former President Reagan is not here to settle an old score." "Oh, no." "He's here to destroy evidence." "[McKinley] Evidence?" "What evidence?" "Evidence of his humanity." "His frailty." "For long before President Reagan was leader of the free world, he was just a young boy who came to this very summer camp in 1921." "[all gasp]" "It's not true." "And he wasn't just any camper." "Oh, no." "He was a legend." "Weren't you, sir?" "[stammers] I..." "For Ronald Wilson Reagan is none other than" "Little Willie-Shits-His-Pants." "[all gasp and scream]" "It's not true!" "Ronald Wilson Reagan!" "Don't you see?" "Willie is short for Wilson!" "You're right!" "Willie is short for Wilson!" "[platform whirring]" "Oh, hi, boys." "You gotta get outta here." "You're not safe." "Actually, boys, it's you who aren't safe." "You don't get it." "Reagan is here, and he has a nuke." "Oh, I get it." "The only question is... do you get it?" "She's the mole." "She's been the mole the whole time." "I don't know what they're paying you, but this is madness." "Thousands of lives are at stake." "The only madness is you thinking I'm gonna let you anywhere near that nuke." "Gene, careful." "That's preposterous!" "Me?" "Little Willie-Shits-His-Pants?" "How could you make such an accusation?" "Because I found your dance partner." "Meet Vivian Larson, Firewood class of 1921." "Vivian." "Vivian, why don't you tell the story?" "I remember it like it was yesterday." "We were too shy to talk to each other, but I had a crush on Willie all summer long." "[jazz music playing]" "Finally, it was the end of summer dance." "It seemed like everyone in camp had found their match." "Everyone but me, that is." "And Willie was on the other side of the barn, too nervous to ask me to the floor." "But then my favorite ditty, "Meet Me Tonight in Dreamland," came on, and I don't know what came over me, but I just marched across that floor, walked right up to Willie, and extended my hand." "Girls did not ask boys to the dance floor." "Everyone stared, but I paid them no mind." "It was the most wonderful moment of my young life." "Until... [stomach rumbling]" "[breathing heavily]" "Oh, no." "It's happening." "[farting] [all gasp and laugh]" "[Vivian] It was the roundest, most perfect dookie you ever did see." "[all chanting] Little Willie shits his pants!" "Little Willie shits his pants!" "And that's how the legend of Little Willie-Shits-His-Pants was born." "[all] Aw..." "Hello, Willie." "Vivian." "After that turd rolled out of my pant leg... [inhales]" "I ran into the woods and never stopped running." "I guess, in a lot of ways," "I've been running from that moment my entire life." "My one regret is that we never did get to finish that dance." "Sir... there's still time." "May I have this dance, Mr. President?" "Oh, Vivian, of course." "♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪" "♪ Under the silvery moon ♪" "[Eric] Let us pass, Nancy." "Nancy, you're way out of your league here." "I don't want to hit a nurse." "Nancy, we don't have to do this." "Oh, yes, we do." "[Eric groans]" "Sorry." "[gasps]" "You get to the missile." "I'll try to hold her off." "It's suicide!" "It's a life well-lived." "[grunts]" "♪ ..." "love-light gleaming ♪" "♪ In your dear eyes of blue ♪ -[all sniffling]" "You gave it your best, but now it's time to say good night." "Let him go, Nancy." "Gail, you came back!" "Oh, look." "It's the arts and crafts counselor." "Still looking for a husband?" "Right now, I'm only looking for two things." "A class on how to make your own paper-machÃ© pencil holder, and an ass to kick." "And it looks like I missed the class on how to make your own paper-machÃ© pencil holder." "That means you're gonna kick her ass." "Too bad you won't be around to see it." "[cracking] -[grunts]" "Gene!" "Why?" "[sobbing]" "Gene!" "♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪" "[stomach rumbling]" "Oh, no." "It's happening again." "Doo-doo." "[gasps]" "Oh, Ronald, you can make it." "Focus on me." "[stomach rumbling]" "Look into my eyes." "Wench, you gonna die." "Bring it, sister." "Come on, Ronny." "Hold it in." "You can do it." "Don't do it." "Come on, Ron." "Breathe through it." "You can do it, Ronny." "[stomach rumbling stops]" "My bowels are settling." "[all cheering]" "Yes!" "They're settling." "Yeah!" "[laughs] Way to not shit!" "Oh, Vivian, thank you for the dance." "You look as beautiful as ever." "[chuckles]" "I wanted to destroy the camp... because I wanted to destroy the memory of what happened that day." "It was a wound that could not heal." "But it is gone now... and I no longer want to destroy the camp." "[laughs]" "Firewood is safe." "[all cheering and laughing]" "Good job, Ron." "Uh, Mr. President, it's great that you don't want to nuke the camp anymore, but maybe you should tell the nuke." "[automated voice] Launch to commence in ten minutes." "[all laughing]" "Well, if you could." "[both grunting]" "[grunting]" "[blood splattering] -[Nancy groaning]" "[panting]" "Gene!" "Oh, Gene!" "Gene." "Gene." "Gene." "Gene." "Oh, my Gene." "[crying] Oh, Gene." "Oh, Gene." "Why?" "[all laughing]" "I'll just punch in the disarm code." "One, two, three." "[buzzer sounds]" "What's this?" "One, two, three." "[buzzer sounds]" "The disarm code isn't working." "That's because I changed it." "[all gasp]" "[Reagan] What?" "All I've been hearing about for years is "President Reagan this, President Reagan that."" "Well, guess what, fuckers?" "I'm your president now, and I demand some goddamn respect!" "George, you don't have to do this." "You call me Mr. President," "Little Willie-Shits-His-Pants!" "You have no idea the amount of humiliation I've had to endure... to feed his ego." "Well, that stops now." "'Cause everything stops now!" "This bomb's gonna blow... and there's nothing anybody can do about it." "[upbeat music playing]" "♪ Everybody was night howling ♪" "♪ Your ass drop bombs for a fact ♪" "♪ Creep the black shortie ♪" "♪ Get your booty tagged ♪" "♪ Night howling ♪" "♪ Everybody was singing like an animal ♪" "♪ Creep the black shortie ♪" "♪ 'Cause what you growing out back Is incredible ♪" "♪ Yo, confession's in the bag ♪" "♪ You got the honey buns to make A man start to growl ♪" "♪ When I see you walk away ♪" "♪ I wanna drop to my knees Gotta take a beat ♪" "♪ Pray that you a freak ♪" "♪ 'Cause when you bounce down the street My will goes weak ♪" "♪ And when I'm fast asleep ♪" "♪ I am a wolf and you be the sheep ♪" "♪ Everybody was night howling ♪" "♪ That ass drop bombs for a fact ♪" "♪ Creep the black shortie ♪" "♪ Get your booty tagged Get your booty tagged ♪"