"KATE:" "I did everything that I was supposed to do." "I didn't cry in meetings." "I didn't wear short skirts." "I put up with the weird upper management guys that kiss you on the mouth at Christmas." "Is it fair that to be the youngest VP in my company," "I will be the oldest mom at preschool?" "Not really, but that's part of the deal." "I made a choice." "Some women got pregnant." "I got promotions." "And I still aspire to meet someone and fall in love and get married, but that is a very high-risk scenario." "And I want a baby now." "I'm 37." "It's too much for a first date, isn't it?" "I said too much." "I'm just gonna go use the..." "(SIGHING LOUDLY)" "I'm gonna need this to go." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(GIGGLING)" "(GURGLING)" "Good morning." "Thank you for being here so early." "Hi." "How are you?" "Let's get started." "(ALL BABBLING)" "That one." "Well..." "I just don't like your uterus." "Don't get me wrong." "Your eggs are in great shape, but you have a T-shaped uterus." "That combined with your advanced maternal age, it's preventing proper implantation." "Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?" "Well, probably has something to do with medication that was given to your mother when she was pregnant with you." "We used lot of drugs back in the '70s which we now know can cause infertility." "Infertility?" "Yeah." "I would say that your chances of conceiving are very low." "How low?" "Well, I don't want to assign a number to it." "What would you assign it?" "A color, a nickname, a locker?" "Okay." "One in a million." "I just don't like..." "Don't say that again." "ROSE:" "Come to think of it," "I did take something for liver spots when I was pregnant with you, but I really don't see how that could cause any problems for your uterus." "It was just a different time." "They didn't warn people about side effects." "ROSE:" "They warned me." "I think I might even have signed something." "What?" "Kate, I was 30 years old." "I was starting to get liver spots." "Liver spots!" "I just hope you put this baby mania to rest." "It's not mania." "How many times have you tried now?" "Three?" "Nine." "The last two were in vitro." "Have you considered adoption?" "I have applied for an adoption, yes." "Kate, please don't get a black baby." "Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about that, because for a single woman, it can take about five years to get an adoption." "I've just had it with all these movie stars showing off." ""Look at me and my black baby."" "Kill me." "I want you to stab me with something." "You know, Kate, not everyone is as tolerant of your alternative lifestyle as we are." "Being single is not an alternative lifestyle." "It is when you're 37." "(CHUCKLING)" "Oh, out like a light." "Have you thought about using a surrogate?" "I saw a thing about it on Dateline." "No, it's weird." "It's for weirdoes." "I'm just gonna keep trying by myself." "Kate, building a family is not like opening one of your stores." "It's not an executive decision." "It's real life." "It's messy." "These hormone injections make me want to punch you in the face right now." "No hitting." "That's right." "You're right." "There you go." "Come on." "Well, how much longer are you gonna put your body through this?" "Look, I know for years I said I didn't want one, but I just woke up one day, and I felt like every baby on the street was staring at me." "Katie's coming out of the mommy closet." "Hey, Tyler." "Tyler, what is this all over you?" "Is that chocolate or poop?" "Is that chocolate or poop?" "It's chocolate." "What if that had been poop?" "I told you, messy, but great." "Not bad." "Everybody do a shot of this pea soup." "Let's go with this." "Call it "Health Monster."" "That's great." "It's what I do." "You know," "I was swimming this morning with the dolphins in Costa Rica, and I realized something." "I am a great man." "And great men do great things." "I want to open a flagship store right here in Philadelphia." "I want it to be the biggest store we ever built," "I want it to be made of 100% recyclable materials, and I want it to be so beautiful that people want to get married in it." "Kate, join me up here." "I'm wearing a dress, Barry." "Won't you?" "Sure." "Okay." "Kate, I want you to spearhead this as our new vice president." "This is me transferring my success to you." "(ALL CLAPPING)" "Thank you, Barry." "Hold on." "(ALL CLAPPING)" "Thanks." "Congratulations." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Congratulations, Kate." "Hello." "I'm Chaffee Bicknell." "There's just one of you." "I thought Chaffee and Bicknell were two different people." "Come in." "Certainly." "I started this business because I saw a growth market." "We don't do our own taxes anymore." "We don't program our computers." "We outsource." "And what is surrogacy if not outsourcing?" "Wait." "You're not saying my baby would be carried by some poor, underpaid woman in the third world." "No." "We're also expensive." "Our fee is $100,000." "It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed." "It takes longer." "All of our surrogates undergo extensive background checks." "Criminal records, credit reports, medical histories and psychological testing." "But why do these women do it?" "Is it just for the money?" "You do your job for the money, but I bet you love it and you're good at it." "Let me ask you a question." "Do you plan on hiring a nanny?" "Of course." "I have to go back to work." "How is this any different?" "A nanny is someone you trust to take care of your baby after it's born." "A surrogate mother is someone you trust to take care of your baby before it's born." "Either way it's your baby." "And here's my baby." "Hello, my sweetheart." "Hello, little one." "Oh, yes." "What a good girl." "Yes." "Everyone deserves this." "That's why I wanna remove the stigma from surrogacy." "There's no wrong way to make a family." "And you're proof of that." "How do you mean?" "Just that you have this beautiful baby using surrogacy." "Oh, no." "My husband and I conceived Sabrina the old-fashioned way." "But you're so..." "Old?" "You wouldn't think so if you saw my uterus." "But you know what really made this little angel possible?" "A time machine?" "A positive attitude." "You may not have my fertile body, but with my help you can still be a mother." "(SINGING) Make the cracks break Shake it till they drop" "Make the booty go wah, wah, wah" "Make the cracks break Shake it till they drop" "Make the booty go wah, wah, wah" "Nice." "Yo, who you waiting on again?" "Her name's Angie." "Well, she might be my surrogate mother." "That's right." "You got your baby mama coming." "You know I got two baby mamas, right?" "No, this is different." "You had relationships with those women." "No, I had no relationships with those women." "I had relations with those women." "No." "I'm paying her." "This was set up by an agency." "There are contracts involved." "It's strictly business." "You pay the bills, she have the baby." "That's called a baby mama." "You ask any black man in Philadelphia." "(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)" "Yo, what if that's your baby mama?" "I don't think that's her." "(SINGING) Here come your baby mama" "Riding a Suzuki" "I wanna spend about 15 minutes here, then I wanna get my picture taken punching the Rocky statue." "Yeah, well, you're gonna have to sketch it, 'cause I didn't bring a camera." "Okay, you did that on purpose, didn't you?" "Trying to sabotage my art." "This might be them." "CARL:" "All right, I'm an artist." "Oscar, this might be them." "I want it to look artistic." "You told me to tell you when you were sounding ignorant." "You're sounding ignorant." "Angie?" "What?" "I'm Kate." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "This is Carl, my husband." "Common-law." "He always says that." "Well, please, come on in." "Thank you." "Listen, shut her down in drive and slam it into park or it'll start smoking, okay?" "And I'll be back with this." "KATE:" "So, how long have you two been together?" "We met the summer after I discontinued high school." "And we've been together ever since." "He never officially asked me to be his wife, but he never asked me to not be his wife either, so things are going pretty good." "Wow." "The place is amazing." "Let me..." "Beautiful." "Kind of looks like Kate Hudson's New York pied-a-terre." "She read that somewhere." "I don't think she's saying it right." "No, she's saying it right." "Out of all the places that we've interviewed at, this is by far the nicest." "What does your husband do?" "Well, I don't have a husband." "Got this place all by yourself?" "Must have a really fancy job." "Well, I am the vice president of development for Round Earth Foods." "So you take over if the president is shot?" "(STAMMERING) Well..." "I like your shirt." "Thanks." "It's a shirt-vest kind of..." "I don't know." "I just like making styles and stuff." "It's something I like to do." "What, you don't get down with rap?" "Boy, somewhere in there I have an old Salt-n-Pepa CD." "Hmm..." "What do you do, Carl?" "Carl is an inventorlentrepreneur." "Yeah." "I'm still looking for that home run, you know." "I mean, when I saw the iPod the first time, I was like..." "I mean, I could've kicked myself." "That was so hard on him." "Now we're pretty tight on cash." "So that led you to surrogacy?" "Hey, I gotta say, when I first thought about Angie carrying someone else's baby," "I felt weird about it." "Then I thought, "Oh, my God," ""if my wife's gotta have sex with someone else's husband to do this..."" "Out of the question." ""...that's gonna cost extra."" "It's out of the question." "ANGIE:" "Wow." "This is a nice view." "So, have you done this before?" "No." "But I know I'm good at getting pregnant." "(STAMMERING) That's not what I'm asking about." "You know, we've all had our scares." "No, not really." "Me neither." "Pardon my asking this, but how many couples, women, how many people are you interviewing before you make your decision?" "I guess you're like our sixth or seventh." "And how's it going?" "Good." "You know how in science they say that everybody's aura gives off a different color?" "I can read those auras." "I'm very sensitive to people's energies." "So, I meet new people and I get exhausted." "Oh, yeah." "What color is my aura?" "Let me see." "Sunsetty." "It's like a sunset." "I'm really digging it." "Good." "Congratulations." "Good, good." "Really good color." "Well, good." "Because I really hope that you like me, Angie, because I'm asking you for a very big favor, you know." "You have a God-given ability that I just don't have." "I know I could be good at this." "I think you could, too." "And, you know, it's nice to feel..." "Needed?" "Yeah." "Needed." "Important, useful?" "I like all those words." "Yeah, well, I can't do this without you." "I've tried." "I need you, Angie." "I'm gonna make a decision." "I made my decision." "Decision made." "Kate, I want you to put your baby inside me." "Angie, I'm gonna put my baby inside you." "(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "This stuff is good." "What's the street name for this?" "So as you can see, we've transferred three of Kate's fertilized eggs to your womb, Angie." "Now with the hormones you've been taking, the probability of success is about 60%." "You should continue taking the hormones and get as much rest as possible." "And in about two weeks, you can take a home pregnancy test." "ANGIE:" "I live right here." "Thanks for driving me all the way home." "Carl couldn't leave the house 'cause he's trying to win a radio contest." "Well, I would've offered to do it anyway." "Here, let me give you some money for gas." "No, no, please." "It's my treat." "Really?" "Of course." "Angie, you don't understand." "I want to be there for you every step of the way." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "I hope you don't mind." "I bought you some groceries." "I thought you might want to start eating organic." "(SCOFFS) That crap is for rich people who hate themselves." "Sorry, this place is such a mess." "I haven't had time to clean up." "No, it has a nice old-timey smell." "Is that an alligator?" "Hellboy?" "No, that's Carl's iguana." "Great." "Well, I'm gonna put this fruit in your refrigerator." "CARL:" "That's the song!" "When they play Red Red Wine, you gotta be the 103.7th caller." "What up, baby lady?" "Hello." "Shut the door, Carl!" "How am I gonna talk through a door?" "How can you be the 103.7th caller?" "Angie, I don't have time to explain arithmetic to you." "That don't make no sense." "I will see you in two weeks." "Please try to get some..." "Would you grab my smokes?" "You know you're not supposed to smoke in front of me." "I'm trying to quit." "...rest." "Try to get some rest." "Yeah, that's your situation, all right?" "I'm in here trying to win us Arena Football tickets." "Close the door, Carl." "KATE:" "So, what we're looking for is at least 15,000 square feet in the next cool neighborhood." "It can be open lots." "It can be buildings that we buy and tear down, although no historic buildings." "We want to be perceived as enhancing the neighborhood, not destroying its character." "Also, Barry would like to use mostly found and recycled materials." "So that's gonna affect us, zoning-wise." "I don't care what we spend, but we have to get it right." "Shannon!" "Dante!" "Anybody?" "Sorry about that." "Welcome to Super Fruity." "What can I get you?" "Does the Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?" "In fact contain banana?" "Yeah." "Yeah, but it's a good question." "I think the name's a little more clever than it is informative." "Well, I will try it." "Okay." "Hey, I'm looking for a new apartment." "What is your read on this neighborhood?" "The neighborhood's good." "It's good." "It's changing a lot." "A lot of condos going up." "The real estate people are trying to give it one of those clever names, they call it WeBeSoCa, which is Webster, south of Catherine, I guess." "How's business?" "It's a little slow." "But kind of tough, you know, going up against the man." "The cops?" "Jamba Juice." "Jamba Juice is the man?" "Yeah." "Corporate juice pimps." "Thought you should know, and you'll feel free to tell your friends." "Okay." "I will tell them." "Okay, now." "You have a super fruity day." "I want you to start finding out what's available between the 1500 block and 1800 block of West Catherine Street." "(CALL WAITING CHIMES)" "Ron, I gotta call you back." "Angie?" "Hi, it's Angie." "I know." "I know." "So, any news?" "Well, I peed on one of those stick thingies, and it said yes." "(SQUEALS)" "Angie, that is just the greatest news!" "That's just unbelievably great." "Yeah, yeah." "Thank you so much, Angie." "If you need anything, anything at all, you let me know, okay?" "Yeah, okay." "I will." "I'm having a baby!" "(WHOOPS)" "(WHOOPS MEEKLY)" "(YELLING)" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "What if the baby's a hermaphrodite?" "What?" "A chick with a dick." "I heard it happens to about 2% of babies." "Well, that's crazy." "That would mean that 10 people from our high school were hermaphrodites." "Mommy." "Mommy." "Mommy." "Mommy." "No, that sounds about right, actually." "You can't solve problems by worrying about them." "Is that Alex?" "What does she want for her birthday?" "Karaoke Revolution or a cell phone." "She's four." "Do you think it's too much if I ask Angie to call me every day?" "She just seems so chaotic." "I don't know if she's eating right." "Is she getting enough exercise?" "Is she moving around too much?" "You're only six weeks in." "You can't put her in a cage and force-feed her." "I know." "I know." "Expecting a baby?" "Did I tell you?" "I found a location for the new store." "Yeah, I have to pitch it tomorrow." "It's gonna be a girl." "That's what's making your hair so dry." "Cash or credit?" "Cash." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Oscar?" "You got baby mama drama." "Hey, I left Carl." "I found out he was effing around on me, so we got into a huge fight." "Things got really physical." "Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "I didn't hit him too hard." "Hey, I brought you a picture of the baby." "You know, an ultrasound picture." "Oh, my gosh." "Looks like a squirrel." "A cute, cute squirrel." "Anyway, it's kind of early, so you can't really see anything, but they took a picture of it just to make sure it's growing right." "They said all the parts are good." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I would've been there." "(SIGHS) I didn't want to bother you." "(SOBBING)" "Don't worry." "This couch is more comfortable than it looks." "I also put a stack of clean towels for you in the bathroom." "Do you need a toothbrush?" "Because I have some extras that I keep for houseguests." "Good night, squirrel." "What we have here is our Boo Boo Buster No-Slam Door, okay?" "Watch how this works." "You can just slam it." "It bounces right back." "So you can put your fingers right on in there, and it wouldn't..." "Not you, it'll only work for baby fingers." "Okay." "Okay?" "Also included in your premium package, we have child protection everywhere." "The doors, the door handles, you have the cabinets, caps all over the outlets, cabinets, everything." "It's just baby-proof all over the place." "Shouldn't be a problem for anybody over the age of seven." "You sure have done a great job getting an early jump on your baby-proofing." "Well, you guys are the best in the city, and I didn't want to risk being on a waiting list." "True." "But you can't be no more than three, four months pregnant." "There's something wrong with your toilet." "I'm sorry I broke one of your rules." "You peed in the sink." "Isn't that against everyone's rules?" "Only a crazy person locks their toilet." "It's for the baby." "It's safe." "Please don't touch anything else." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "I'm here." "I'm here." "I'm sorry." "45 minutes late." "This isn't like you." "I'm sorry, Barry." "I'm just a little out of whack today." "Want me to get Dr. Gary down here?" "Give you a shot of bee pollen?" "No, thank you." "I'm good." "Let's do this." "Thank you for waiting, everyone." "This may look like a dilapidated warehouse... (SINGING) Lady Luck gets on my side" "We're gonna rock this town alive" "I'll let her rough me up" "Thanks, Oscar." "She knocks me out" "She walks like she talks like she talks like she walks" "She bangs, she bangs" "Hey." "What are you doing?" "What is this mess?" "Oh, baby, she moves, she moves" "This game is awesome." "Where did you get this?" "That's supposed to be my niece's birthday present." "Sorry." "Angie, what kind of food is this for a pregnant woman?" "Dr. Pepper, Pringles, Tastykakes?" "Red Bull?" "Angie, Red Bull?" "You have to remember that you are carrying something very precious." "Like a little puppy." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Or a baby." "What you eat, the baby eats." "What you listen to, the baby listens to." "If you listen to DMX, the baby comes out going... (GROWLING)" "Are those cigarettes?" "What?" "No." "Where?" "Do you know how stupid it is to smoke at all, let alone when you are pregnant?" "I'm not smoking." "I swear, I'm not... (CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Why would you answer my phone?" "Hello." "BARRY:" "Kate, we're moving forward." "I think that that is a great decision, Barry." "Yes, let's get those facts and figures, Barry, into the idea machine." "We should close in a couple of weeks." "I want you to put together a press conference." "How about we start with a little community outreach and get the people in the neighborhood on our side, and then let the press find us?" "That's why I'm a genius for hiring people like you." "All right, you." "My job gives me access to the most nutritious, chemical-free food in the world." "I don't want my kid born addicted to high-fructose corn syrup." "There is a thing called being too healthy." "That's what killed Bruce Lee." "Really?" "Where did you read that?" "The Weekly World Dum-Dum?" "All right." "This is your folic acid and this is your pre-natal vitamin." "You're serious about this?" "I don't want my baby to have a pinhead." "I can't do it." "I got it." "It's going..." "I can't swallow it." "What is this?" "Water." "It's horrible!" "I need a..." "No, I can't put it in your butt." "Angie, cats can do this." "Come on." "It's in there." "Just try." "Just relax." "Close your eyes, open your mouth, and do it!" "Swallow it." "Take it." "There you go!" "You did it." "Hey, I'm just like a lot of you." "I grew up at 52nd and Walnut." "I attended West Philly High." "I smoked a joint with Hall  Oates during the bicentennial, all of that." "But unlike a lot of you," "I have since traveled the world." "I've had papaya on the beach at Virgin Gorda." "I've toasted pine nuts at the mouth of an active volcano." "I sat down with Native Americans and had some amazing salmon." "And I'm here to share my experiences with you." "You know, I was talking to Jimmy Buffett this morning about trans fats..." "Barry, the time." "Well, I'm sorry I can't stay longer, but I have to swing by my son's graduation." "So I will turn you over to our vice president of development, Ms. Kate Holbrook." "Good morning and thank you..." "Will there be pedestrian access during construction?" "How can you charge $4 for one mango?" "MAN:" "What's your carbon footprint?" "Okay, how about we line up down front here at the microphone?" "And I can take your questions..." "And I can take your questions one at a time." "Hi." "Rob Ackerman, WeBeSoCa Small Business Owners' Association, and I also own Super Fruity Smoothies." "It's like Jamba Juice." "No, it's not." "It's not like Jamba Juice at all." "I think you've been to my store." "Yes, I have." "I remember." "Did you ever find that apartment you were looking for?" "Not yet." "No." "Here's my question." "Exactly what portion of your profits are gonna go towards rebuilding and the revitalization of our community?" "ALL:" "Yes!" "Thank you for that question." "Those are free, by the way." "You don't have to sneak them." "All of this stuff is our gift to you." "Hey, Kate." "Hi." "What a spread." "Thanks." "So, I had one last question for you." "Okay." "You never told me how you liked the smoothie." "Well, a little too much banana for me." "Wow." "You know, Mr. Ackerman..." "No, no, no." "Mr. Ackerman's my dog." "You gotta call me Rob." "Okay, Rob." "I really don't want any tension with the Small Business Owners' Association." "So I would be happy to sit down with you some time and..." "You asking me out on a date?" "No." "You sure?" "'Cause you lied to me once already." "Yes, I'm sure." "See you around." "And then he asked me if I was asking him out, and I was like, "What?"" "CAROLINE ON PHONE:" "Is he cute?" "Yes, but you're missing the point." "(CALL WAITING CHIMES)" "Hold on, Caroline." "Angie?" "ANGIE:" "I'm starving!" "Well, look in the refrigerator, there's a big container of Monster Health Pea Soup." "This looks really weird and healthy." "I don't like it." "It's good for you." "I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I would rather be shot in the face than eat this stupid food." "Angie, just eat it, okay?" "Bye." "Caroline?" "She's crazy." "It is like living with a child." "(CHILDREN SHOUTING) Well, you know, you will literally be living with a child soon." "(CHILD SCREAMING) Maybe you need to just get used to it." "Alex!" "Alex!" "Wait." "I'm an adult." "She's an adult." "We will work this out." "(MAN CHATTERING ON CD)" "You know, studies show that babies can learn a second language in the womb." "You know, you should play an English tape, so it can come out talking, and it can be in commercials, and you'll make a lot of money." "MAN:" "Next." "The elephant has big ears." "(MAN CONTINUES CHATTERING IN SPANISH)" "Your CD's skipping." "I'm gonna watch TV instead." "Oh, man." "This show's awesome." "In this next clip is a dad playing baseball with his son." "That kid's gonna hit his dad in the nuts." "Beautiful day!" "What could possibly go wrong?" "Hey, have you seen this one before?" "You have a kid with a Wiffleball bat and a dad with a crotch." "Proudest moment in any father-son relationship." "You know, it's not gonna be funny if you ruin the ending!" "Here comes the pitch!" "It is!" "It's still funny!" "Oh, man." "Did you just stick your gum under my coffee table?" "I don't know." "What do you mean, you don't know?" "Do you think you're at an Arby's right now?" "You know what?" "I wish I was at an Arby's." "'Cause there's better food and cooler people there." "(GASPS)" "Did you stick all this gum under here?" "I don't know!" "Maybe you stuck some of it under there." "Yeah, actually you might be right, because sometimes when I work a really long day," "I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table!" "Bitch, I don't know your life!" "All right, ladies, there's no need to yell." "Well, the mystery remains as to who put the gum under there." "No, it doesn't." "Kate, you're used to being the boss, and, Angie, being pregnant makes you feel vulnerable and sensitive." "I know my hormones are on a rollercoaster right now." "Are you saying..." "That's right." "I'm expecting again." "Expecting what, a social security check?" "It's weird, isn't it?" "Yeah." "These conflicts are normal." "This is a highly unusual relationship, and that's what this support group is for." "Jonathan would like to share again." "I mean, I'm only saying because this reminded me of something I was journaling, just the other day." "I feel really bad because Karen and I are fighting a lot, because I think she's becoming morbidly obese." "And I keep reminding him that she is pregnant." "And then I realized that I am..." "I'm..." "No." "I am..." "Okay." "I'm anorexic, and it's really hard, because she's so fat." "And I..." "I love Christopher so much, and he's fat, and I'm afraid the baby's gonna be fat." "And it's just me and two fatties." "I'm proud of you, Jonathan." "Thank you for sharing that." "Yeah, that's a..." "CHAFFEE:" "Thank you." "Anyone else?" "I can go." "Dave?" "The wife and I are Methodists." "Ashley here is a Wiccan." "It's kind of like a witch." "They have stores, I think." "But, you know, at first, I was a little worried about a witch carrying my child, but I came around to the idea, or she put a spell on me." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "Did you do that, Ashley?" "I'm sorry." "I'd like to share something." "CHAFFEE:" "Please." "Okay, I don't know, like, all the therapy terms..." "Well, I don't know the therapy terms, either." "I don't go to therapy." "Yeah, but I'd just like to say that Kate is always up in my business." "Well, when someone falls asleep with a curling iron in their hair, it becomes necessary to insert yourself in their business." "That happened two times!" "Angie, bottom line, you're carrying Kate's baby, and you do wanna get paid, right?" "Yeah." "That means that Kate does deserve some input." "But, Kate, you must remember that a surrogate is not your employee, but your partner." "Yeah, Kate, we're partners, like Tom and Jerry." "Tom and Jerry hate each other." "What?" "They love each other!" "What show are you watching?" "They're a cat and a mouse." "They have so much fun together!" "Children in Japan can understand that." "You are dead wrong." "I want you two to spend more time together." "(SCOFFING)" "That's impossible." "We're always together." "I don't..." "Yeah." "Let Angie help you get ready for the baby." "Decorate the nursery together, pick out a crib." "Do all the things you would do if you were pregnant, just do them with Angie." "Wake up, partner." "It's time for birthing class." "Yay." "Welcome to The Birthing Center." "In this birthing class, we are going to help you new mommies and daddies, and our mommies and mommies, lesbian lovers..." "No." "No." "...prepare for that marathon of labor." "Quick question before we start." "How many of you are planning on doing natural childbirth?" "That's a good show of hands." "That's so great, you're all so great." "And how many of you are planning on using toxic Western medications to drug your baby for your own selfish comfort?" "Anyone?" "(WHOOPING)" "Now this, this is the Lexus of strollers." "Got an iPod adapter, leather trim." "Check that out, feel that." "Back of your hand, back of your hand." "Now, what's the first word you think of when you think of stroller?" "Baby." "Okay, what's the second word you think of?" "Infant." "No." "It's "top of the line safety features." Check this out." "I'll take it." "(SINGING) I'm never gonna dance again" "Guilty feet have got no rhythm" "Though it's easy to pretend" "I know you're not a fool" "What is the point of that game?" "It gives you points depending on how good you sing." "I'm the highest scorer." "You're the only one that's ever played it." "What is that smell?" "I'm dying my roots." "I was just trying to get some highlights." "So many chemicals!" "You're a brunette, you don't understand!" "You're a brunette!" "I was blond when I was a kid!" "I'm clean." "I'm clean!" "(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON CD)" "Hi." "I'm sorry, I think I may have overreacted back there." "You think?" "It's just this whole thing is very important to me." "And frankly, it makes me a little bit crazy that you get to feel it and experience it, while I just watch." "And I might be a little bit jealous." "Jealous?" "How could you be jealous of me?" "I'm sorry I called you stupid." "I'm sorry I farted into your purse." "What?" "I found this shell while running barefoot through the Toronto airport." "I want you to make our flagship store like this shell." "You want it to look like the shell?" "You know, Rick, when you talk to me in that tone of voice," "I get incredibly angry." "I couldn't have been more specific..." "You want it to have the essence of the shell." "Yes, that's it, exactly." "Thank you, Kate." "I'm sorry I flipped, Rick." "Give me the essence of this shell." "As your pregnancy progresses, your partner can help you prep your perineum for the great stretch of delivery." "Massage the area daily with a little EVOO to help you stretch and prevent tearing." "What is she talking about?" "I think she wants me to rub olive oil on your taint." "Is it cool if maybe I just spray a little PAM down in that area, right before the baby comes out?" "You have to admit it's a valid suggestion." "ANGIE:" "So, are you pissed that no one ever married you?" "Well, I almost got married once to a guy named Scott." "We were together for six and a half years." "Damn, just shy of common-law." "Yeah, actually." "He was the only guy I ever lived with." "So now he has three kids, beautiful kids, with another woman, an old co-worker of mine, actually." "That sucks." "You know what?" "Don't worry about it, 'cause you're super-successful, and you have sweet-ass legs." "Thank you, I think." "I had one good boyfriend before Carl." "Really?" "Donny Landis." "We used to work at Blimpie together when we were 16, and sit and eat pickles in the back." "He waited a whole month before he touched my boobs." "Then he went to the University of Scranton, and I never heard from him again." "He was my Justin Timberlake." "Angie, you can still have a totally different life." "You're a very smart person." "Thanks." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE)" "KATE:" "I figured out how to beat you at this game, by the way." "Yeah, that's what it's about." "There's a lot of techniques that you can use." "(SINGING OFF-KEY) I come home in the morning light" "My mother says When you gonna live your life right?" "You gotta hold the note till the end." "We're not the fortunate ones" "And girls just want to have fun" "Oh, girls just want to have fun" "Come on, get up here." "Just wanna, they just wanna" "Just wanna, they just wanna" "They just wanna, they just wanna" "They just wanna, they just wanna" "Girls!" "Girls!" "Girls just wanna have fun" "Girls just wanna have fun" "I think that was harmony." "That was harmony!" "Look at her." "She's got good jugs." "My avatar is dressed like a whore." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "So, what do you wanna talk about, Carl?" "I want you to come home." "Baby, I miss you." "I haven't had sex in two weeks." "I've been gone a month." "Whatever." "Carl, after spending time with Kate," "I kind of feel like I can evaluate the direction my life is going, and I feel like that direction does not include you." "Carl!" "You and your best friend, Kate?" "I got bad news." "She's using you to have a baby." "You think you guys would be friends in real life?" "She's a business lady." "It's just business." "You don't even know her, Carl." "All right, you got no right to cut me out of this deal." "Who's the one who said you should go into the baby-making business in the first place?" "Me." "When the pee-stick said no, who's the one who figured out how to keep things going?" "Me." "You should..." "Here you go." "You shouldn't have forged that pregnancy test, Carl." "Maybe you should've actually gotten pregnant like you were supposed to." "You did a dumb thing, moving in with that lady." "Real dumb." "We were supposed to forge the test, send her the ultrasound picture in the mail, and then cash the checks." "One, two, three." "The ultrasound looked like a squirrel, by the way." "'Cause it was a squirrel." "That's all I could find on the Internet." "Look, Katie's gonna notice." "You're not getting bigger." "When you go to the doctor's office, and you take the test, she's gonna know." "Sweetie, you're not smart enough to pull this off." "Excuse me." "These are mine, right?" "How far along are you?" "I'm pretty pregnant." "She's 14 weeks." "Me, too!" "You're so lucky." "You're not showing at all." "Nice talking to you." "(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(RETCHING)" "Angie?" "I'm going to work." "Feel better, okay?" "I'm done." "No." "I'm not done!" "Morning sickness." "Sounds like she's dying." "Just so pregnant." "Right there." "What?" "On your hand." "Where?" "Right..." "Yup..." "See." "Right." "Where?" "Girl, that's vomit!" "Do something about them vomit chunks, girl!" "Okay." "God!" "I love it, Kate." "I wanna reward you with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact." "Yay." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "You can stay, Rick, if you..." "Okay." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "(RINGING CONTINUES)" "In the last 24 hours, I got clearances on the titles and the permits, tax-incentive grants from the city and the states, and Barry on the plane to surf camp." "I'm at the top of my game." "That's great!" "Let's do something." "Let's celebrate!" "I thought we could order food and watch this DVD that I got." "It's a British documentary about a woman who gives birth to a 15-pound baby, vaginally." "Can't wait to not watch this." "You and I need to go out." "Let's go clubbing." "Clubbing?" "You need to get out of your comfort zone." "Go meet some dudes." "Although, I do have a new ginger body splash that I've been dying to try." "Wow!" "Yes." "That's really frisky." "Let's do it." "WOMAN ON CD:" "Congratulations!" "(PUMPING AIR)" "You're wearing that?" "Well, we are going to a nightclub." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ain't no good gonna come of this." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "ANGIE:" "This place is awesome." "I haven't been to a place like this since ever." "Okay." "She'll have a double margarita, no ice, and two of those." "And I'll have a bottle of water." "Hey, let's dance!" "Okay!" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Stop framing your face." "Okay." "I think it's good!" "It's not." "Here, drink this!" "Oh, my God!" "That is strong." "Is it?" "Try this one." "That is stronger!" "I know, I know." "Do this shot." "Why am I doing this?" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Are you having fun?" "I am!" "You know what I've always wanted to do?" "This one is for the ladies!" "(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "All right!" "Good slow jam!" "Old-school!" "(ALL BOOING)" "All right!" "All right!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Listen to it!" "It's a really beautiful song!" "If I was alone, I mean, not pregnant, I would be macking on all of this." "There's nobody here I would ever go out with." "Are you serious?" "What about that guy?" "He looks like a laundry bag full of meat." "What about that guy over there?" "He's wearing a suit." "It's denim." "You're so picky!" "Well, at least he's not a grade-A dork like that guy." "Oh, my God, Scott!" "Who?" "That's my ex-boyfriend, Scott, that I told you about." "Why is he here?" "You went out with him?" "I did." "Why?" "He's beautiful." "Where?" "Look at his mustache!" "I know!" "I'm gonna go say hi." "No, don't, it's a bad..." "Kate, I'm gonna watch your drink." "Hi, Scott." "Kate, my gosh, you look great!" "What are you doing here?" "I'm just clubbing." "You remember my wife, Jean?" "Oh, yeah." "Hi, Jean, how are you?" "How's everything?" "It's great." "We just bought a house in Bucks County." "I'm still doing stuff for Doctors Without Borders." "Recently, we took in some Hurricane Katrina dogs." "And I was in a bicycle accident that made my penis bigger." "How are you?" "I'm doing awesome." "I've just been working a lot, and I cannot have babies, it turns out." "So, good job picking this one." "What it is, actually, is my uterus is T-shaped, which is like..." "So, but actually, funny story." "See that..." "Okay, see that little blonde woman, over here?" "I am paying her to have..." "Hi." "Stop talking now." "Bye, Jean." "Why does he make me so crazy?" "Forget about him." "He dumped you." "He's an asshole." "No, he's a good person." "No, you're a good person." "You don't need another good person around you." "That's your thing." "He's trying to take that from you!" "He wanted to marry me, and I wanted to focus on work." "Of course you did!" "Because working is awesome and being married sucks!" "That's his car." "What, this right here?" "Yes." "Silver Infiniti, Penn State sticker, baseball mitt in the backseat..." "This is Scott." "You know what we should do?" "(CAR ALARM BLARING)" "Yeah!" "I was gonna say leave a funny note!" "(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Where are we?" "WeBeSoCa." "What?" "You're so wasted." "Stop right here!" "This is good." "Pull over right here." "Angie, I'm gonna go get a ginger carrot juice, and you should go home and get some rest, because you look very sleepy and tired." "Where are you going?" "ROB:" "We're closed!" "Yeah, well, it looks about the same as when you're open." "Don't tell me, your people are gonna start bulldozing the neighborhood tonight." "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm really, really sorry that I'm so good at my job." "What is this, a taste test?" "No, actually, I wouldn't do that if I were you." "No, that..." "That's not..." "It's horrible." "Not very good." "It's a combination of papaya juice and coffee." "I keep this notepad by my bed in the middle of the night, and I write down these ideas when I'm half asleep, and they never make any sense." "I do that, too." "And then I wake up, and I have these little notes that say things like," ""make everybody be twins" and "electric toilet."" "Those are not good ideas." "They're really not." "So why are you out so late?" "Are you a prostitute at night, or..." "No." "I went out tonight for the first time in a long time, and I let a friend of mine dress me." "Well, your friend is a great American." "(LIQUID SPILLING) Sorry." "You know, I really like your logo." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I did it myself." "I really like it." "You don't think it looks like a penis?" "No, I don't see that." "No?" "No, I don't see that." "Over here you got two obvious..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "...stiff ones..." "No?" "No, I don't know what you're talking about." "You're being nice." "Thank you." "Also, I don't think you wanna pick a fight with Jamba Juice." "I mean, they're not exactly Wal-Mart." "Well, they are." "They're the Exxon of frozen juice companies." "Yes, I think I saw a Michael Moore documentary about that." "That's embarrassing." "So is that offer to get together some time still on the table?" "Are you asking me out?" "Yes, I think I am." "Okay, yes, then, yes." "Yeah." "Great." "This came off my head." "Some of that hair's real, right?" "No." "I'm bald." "I'm..." "These are real." "So we got that going for us." "Hi, Carl." "What's up, hot stuff?" "What are you doing here?" "I told you to stay away from me." "You think you're getting this payday without me?" "No way." "I want my half, okay?" "And I've got insurance, the actual pee-stick." "I don't even know if that's real." "You probably peed on it." "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't." "But I'll tell you this." "It's gonna raise a lot of questions when Kate takes this down to the lab, and they start doing DNA tests with CSI stuff, and molecules and proteins and the hair follicles, and they're gonna connect the dots." "And then you're gonna be busted." "Carl, I don't wanna do any of this anymore." "I want a common-law divorce." "You wanna give me back the ring that I made for you in metal shop?" "Yeah, I do." "Okay, you know what?" "I'll tell you when this relationship's over, because there's a lot of girls there sitting on the bench that wanna come into this game, all right?" "So I am canceling this relationship, okay?" "Please come back to me, Angie." "Oh, my God!" "Wait, wait!" "Hold on, hold on, please!" "I wanna say goodbye to you proper, okay?" "We owe that to one another." "Can we please have a quickie in the car?" "What?" "What's wrong with you?" "You know what?" "I'm not gonna be here for you when Kate kicks you out." "So deal with that." "My girl rocks?" "My girl does not rock, okay?" "My girl is a divorcée." "So I hope you got Kleenex, 'cause you just said goodbye to the coolest thing that ever happened to you." "I'm gonna bang your friends." "Consider them all banged." "The reason I called you collect is 'cause it's gonna take more than a few quarters to express how I feel about you, baby." "Hey, where you going?" "I knew something was up when I saw you beating your baby bump like that." "It wasn't supposed to happen like this." "Everything just got way out of hand." "I think I'm just gonna split." "That's a good idea." "Just slip away in the dead of night and leave Kate thinking you stole the baby." "That would destroy her." "This ain't some little scam where you just call up Domino's and be like," ""Yo." "You know, I'm doing some church youth event." "I need 10 free pizzas."" "Why, does that work?" "You're lying about the existence of a human being." "If you don't tell her, you'll never be able to live with yourself." "Maybe you can tell her after I'm gone." "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "Not a damn thing, 'cause you're gonna tell her yourself." "I've got a surprise for you." "I got a surprise for you, too." "It is a brochure for the Philadelphia School of Textiles." "They've got a great fashion program." "Thanks." "But that's not the whole surprise." "Open it." "I'm giving you your check early." "No, Kate." "I can't take that." "You gotta put that through the agency." "No, it's not gonna bounce." "Don't you trust me?" "Where are we going?" "You have an ultrasound appointment." "What?" "No." "Today's Thursday." "Ultrasound isn't Thursday." "Birthing class is Thursday." "Usually, but you're 18 weeks, and so you have another ultrasound." "I can't wait." "I hope the baby's in a good position, so we can see its little profile, because I'd really like to get one of those printouts to hang over my desk." "Do you think it could look like me yet?" "Could the baby look like you at 18 weeks?" "What if it has little tiny glasses?" "I'm joking." "That's me trying to make a joke." "That's cold." "Sorry about that." "Just... (HUMMING)" "Lf..." "When you get mad, do you stay mad for a long time?" "Yes, yes." "I'm a big grudge-holder, actually." "Hear that?" "What?" "That's your heartbeat." "You nervous?" "Yeah, a little." "Okay, I'm just..." "Just having a little trouble finding..." "You're gonna have a lot of trouble." "Kate, I gotta tell you something." "I'm not really..." "There's the baby's heartbeat." "(SCOFFING)" "I'm not really..." "What?" "Isn't it wonderful?" "Holy shit!" "There's a baby in there?" "Yep!" "How did it get in there?" "It's a miracle." "What did you wanna tell me?" "I'm so excited." "Yay!" "What do you mean, pregnant?" "I thought you was lying to Kate." "I was." "I am." "It's not Kate's baby." "It's Carl's." "So the procedure thing..." "Didn't take." "And then I was crying, so Carl and I did it." "And it's just country." "I missed a couple periods, and I thought maybe it was my hormones, you know what I'm talking about?" "No, I don't know nothing about that." "But then I started spotting, and I thought that was my period, but usually I don't have a heavy flow." "(SHUSHING) Stop it." "My boobs didn't hurt, so I was like, "It's not my period..."" "You know what?" "Look, I'm just gonna lay it out, all right?" "I'm not discussing the lady business with you." "I mean, I think it's a beautiful thing and all that, but it's disgusting, okay?" "And I'm afraid if we keep talking about it, that our cycles might synchronize..." "What am I supposed to do, Oscar?" "I can't cash that check." "I can't take any of Kate's money." "But I am gonna stay here until I figure out what to do." "I don't know anything about being a mother." "You better start learning." "It's good if the kid's raised here, though, you know?" "Better school, better apartment, better situation." "Is that what you want?" "No, I wanna keep it." "Have you read this?" ""One in four million babies are born with a full set of teeth."" "Angie, it's gonna be fine." "Where you going?" "I have a date with that guy, Rob." "Are you gonna tell him about me?" "No." "I've made that mistake before." "It turns out they don't like it when you talk about the successful transfer of embryos on the first date." "Read the chapter about hermaphrodites." "You won't sleep for a week." "Hello, folks, my name is Chet." "I'm your waiter." "Are you folks familiar with the raw food vegan movement?" "Yeah." "I think he is, more than I am." "Yeah, yeah." "Okay, should we start with some appetizers?" "Yeah." "How's the sea kelp pizza?" "That's got a nice earthy taste, little bit of a dirt taste." "It's very nice." "Salty." "We'll stay away from that." "You know what looks good is the blue algae?" "You wanna just..." "Yes, yes." "Excellent." "Be right back." "So what kind of law did you practice?" "Corporate." "You know when you're watching the news, and you see some bloated CEO involved in a scandal, and you kind of wonder to yourself," ""How is this prick not going straight to jail?"" "Sometimes it was because of me." "You must be very proud." "All right, here's your blue-green algae and a yeast bowl for the table." "Thank you." "Thanks." "This looks good." "Oh, it's warm." "Yeah." "What about you?" "You like your work?" "I do, but I mean," "I have other things in my life besides my job." "I like to travel for work." "Oh, that's a..." "That's a good yeast." "Very yeasty." "How long have you been vegan?" "I'm not." "I'm sorry." "I'm not, I thought that you were, and that's why I took you here." "Because of where you work, I never would have..." "Oh, God." "Can we..." "Yeah, you want to..." "I eat meat." "Yeah, I eat meat like nobody's business." "I'll have a large steak with provolone, no Cheez Whiz, no onions, peppers on the side, don't overcook the meat." "Also, I'd like you to slice me a new fresh roll, because those ones have been sitting out for a long time." "I want a Birch Beer, cold, no cup." "You really should consider changing those Styrofoam cups to paper ones, because they're very bad for the environment." "Yeah, I'll have the same." "I'm sorry." "I'm a little overly thorough." "Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling." "No, that's just prejudice." "They call you bossy and controlling 'cause you're a woman." "But if you were a man doing the same stuff, you'd just be a dick." "What?" "Nothing." "No one's ever called me a dick before on a date." "Term of endearment." "So listen, there's something that I haven't told you." "And it may be a deal-breaker." "Oh, boy, you are super fruity, aren't you?" "No." "But I do have a daughter." "She's 12 years old and she lives with me every other weekend." "I think that's great." "Yeah?" "Okay." "You have any kids?" "I've never been married." "Well, Kate, you don't have to be married to have a kid." "Do you want to go back to my..." "Yes." "I was going to say apartment, just to be clear." "Yeah." "I'm 37." "I know how this works." "Okay." "Let's go." "It's actually this way." "Okay." "1406." "Yeah." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "Look who just got inducted into the walk of shame." "Why are you all shiny like a soul food cook?" "I want you, now, to look your partner in the eye, and I want you to tell her she is beautiful." "You are beautiful." "Tell her, "You are strong."" "You are strong." "Tell her, "Thank you for giving me this baby."" "Thank you for giving me this baby." "Are you crying?" "No." "I am." "I'm crying a little bit." "All right." "Romaine, Cheyenne, time to go." "We have a playdate with Wingspan and Banjo." "Those kids would have got their asses handed to them in my neighborhood." "My sister wants to know what kind of cake you want for the shower." "Kate, I don't think I should go to that, you know?" "I mean, that's just kind of for you." "No, it's for both of us." "My mother wants to meet you and make you feel weird." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Excuse me." "Yes." "Barry, hi." "No, I'm pulling into the construction site right now." "Think I went to a rave here once." "Please, I asked you to wait in the car." "It's too hot in there, and your weirdo air conditioning, I don't know how to work it." "Barry, I'm sorry." "Kate, where you been?" "I'm having second thoughts about this location." "Is it the taxes?" "It's probably because this place gives you a weird vibe, right?" "Yes." "That one." "I'm not getting good vibes here." "And if there's one thing Oprah taught me, it's to trust my instincts and follow my fear." "Is that the episode where she got her ears pierced?" "No, this was at her home in Maui." "Who are you?" "I'm Angie." "She works for me." "She's very intuitive." "I read people's energies." "You read energies?" "Yeah." "Good." "Very good." "How's the energy in this site?" "Green, mostly." "Like healthy leaves." "Money?" "Exactly." "I like your maid." "So do I." "Let me put my hands into your hands, and I'll whisper to you the secret of success." "So, are we back on?" "We were never off." "KATE:" "What did he say?" "ANGIE:" "The secret of success." "And?" "He said "Have a big penis."" "No, he didn't." "Yeah, he did." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(GROANS)" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God." "Look!" "Wait." "Is that the face?" "I think." "That was a big one!" "Oh, my God." "What does it feel like?" "Like if you ate a meatball sandwich, then that meatball sandwich was kicking you." "I think I gotta tell Rob about you and the baby." "What?" "Why?" "Well, we've been going out for a month, and I didn't think it would turn into anything, but it sort of is." "I don't think that's a good idea." "You know, he may break up with you." "Yeah, but the longer I wait, the weirder it's gonna be." "It's gonna be weird no matter what." "He'll know I'm hiding something." "I'm the worst liar." "Okay, tell me three things about yourself and make one of them a lie." "Okay." "I'm from Pennsylvania," "I am a Leo, and I am 5'9"." "I don't want to..." "This is why I can't lie to him." "You're not lying to him, you're just not telling him the truth, there's a big difference." "Is there?" "I don't know." "Don't ask me." "ANGIE: (SINGING) Don't speak I can't even take it" "And I don't need no reason" "Hi." "I'm Rob." "I'm here to pick up Kate." "Oh!" "(MUMBLING)" "Sorry, I'm a little early." "I was just in the neighborhood, so..." "Do come in." "Hello, I'm Angela." "Okay." "I'm Kate's sister, so..." "We are in the same family." "And I was just practicing the ancient Japanese art of karaoke." "Karaoke?" "Yes." "You delightful..." "Hello." "Oh, well." "I can see how she likes you so much." "Kate?" "You live here?" "No, no." "I live in New York City in a pied-a-terre apartment with a husband that I have." "Wow, so you're just kind of visiting here, or..." "He's in the stock market." "So we go from city to city, visiting other stock markets." "And that's how we roll." "It's funny, 'cause you guys don't look alike at all." "Oh, well." "Different dads?" "Yes." "We have different dads." "That's what we have." "We have different dads." "Thank you for that." "Is that my phone?" "I didn't actually hear..." "It was." "Hold on, it's from Europe." "Hello?" "(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)" "Yes, interesting." "It's a business call." "So nice to meet you." "KATE:" "What?" "ANGIE:" "Yes." "What?" "How long did he talk to you?" "Hi." "Look at you, early bird." "Okay, it's nice to see you." "Oh, my gosh, well, let's go." "Yeah." "Does your sister want to come with us?" "No, she's not well." "Bye, Angela." "Adios." "OSCAR:" "Push, woman." "Yeah, good." "Push, and boom!" "Congratulations." "Look." "Popcorn." "See?" "It's that easy." "What movie we watching?" "Extreme Vaginal Delivery." "The miracle of really big childbirth." "Oh, damn!" "You can't come back from that." "That's why you always want to stay over here, huh?" "It's one of the reasons." "Well, how long is your sister in town?" "Angie's not really my sister." "I know." "She's your half-sister." "She told me." "What else did Angela tell you?" "Well, she told me that you like me a lot." "Well, she's a liar." "She's a known liar." "What is this?" "Jillian wants me to take her to an exhibit of abnormal skulls at the Mütter Museum." "Do you need me to get out of here?" "No, no." "No, I was gonna see if you wanted to come." "You want me to meet your daughter?" "Is that a bad idea?" "No." "I really, really like kids." "Oh, my God." "I know." "Have you read this article?" "This Chaffee Backnell lady." "Bicknell." "She is a piece of work." "I mean, her whole surrogacy process is very science-fictiony." "There's so many kids that need to be adopted." "Well, adoption can take years." "And these people would pay, like, you know, $50,000, in order to..." "It's $100,000, actually." "You know, have your baby custom-carried by a gestation assistant." "What is that?" "Well, I think it's probably more complicated than it seems." "A lot of rich people getting what they want." "(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "(EXCLAIMS) I hate that song." "Here you go." "You got it?" "Yeah, I'm good." "OSCAR:" "So, do you feel good about yourself?" "You're just going to let Kate go ahead and have this whole baby shower, right?" "You don't realize how ruthless that is, right?" "Hey, man, that's a sweet cake." "That's tight." "That's tight." "Service entrance, straight to the terrace." "What am I supposed to do?" "Tell her today, in front of all of her friends and her family?" "No, no, no." "Wait till the child is, like, nine years old, and then tell her, like my first ex did me." "Okay, I'm going to tell her tonight." "Or Monday." "But then it'll ruin her week, so maybe I should wait till Friday." "Then it would ruin her weekend, so maybe I should..." "I don't know when I'm gonna tell her." "When's the best day to tell someone horrible news?" "Yesterday." "I tell you, a pagan birth is a fascinating thing." "You know, now that I've done it myself, it seems crazy not to eat the placenta." "I'm sorry, did you say polenta or placenta?" "Placenta, the afterbirth, yeah." "Ashley turned us onto it..." "Angie." "Hi, I'm Caroline," "Kate's sister." "Nice to meet you." "Hi, nice to meet you." "And this is our mother, Rose." "Hi, nice to meet you." "How do you do?" "So, tell me, once the baby is born, will you just go away, or shall I expect you at Christmas?" "Mom." "What?" "This is a reasonable question." "All my friends are asking." "KATE:" "Well, we haven't really talked about it." "No, there's not a lot of stuff we've talked about, we have a lot of stuff to talk about." "I think Angie might want to visit the baby a few times a year." "You know, or I might be out of town, I don't know where I'm going." "ANGIE:" "I mean, I think I've got plans, but I'll definitely call." "Summer, if we're on vacation, maybe Angie would want to come with us some time." "And who knows where we're going to be in a year?" "I think it's really important that she remain a part of the baby's life." "Yeah, you know, or completely separate." "We're just going to play it fast and loose, you know, just see how it all shakes out." "Always been my motto." "Rob?" "Hi." "Hi." "Hey, I know it's your sister's baby shower, just, you haven't called me in days." "I thought maybe I did something wrong." "No, you didn't do anything." "Is it because I wanted to introduce you to my kid?" "No, Rob, I just..." "I think you and I view the world differently." "Bad news people, party's over." "Start heading for the door." "Who let him in here?" "Carl, don't say something stupid." "She hasn't told you." "I thought since you guys were best friends, she probably told you everything." "Shut your mouth, Carl." "What is going on?" "She's not even pregnant, okay?" "I mean, look." "Angie what is that?" "Feel it." "It's moving." "Yeah, it's a baby." "And it's yours." "What are you saying?" "Kate," "I really tried to make you a baby, I swear." "What are you saying?" "We took a test as soon as we got home, and the procedure didn't work." "And I was real, you know, horny, because of all the hormones." "So we did it." "I felt like a failure." "And Carl told me you were going to get somebody else." "Those hormones can also give you a false negative." "That's why they want you to wait two weeks before you take a test." "Wait, what?" "So she might not be pregnant?" "Yo, where you escape from, man?" "I'm saying the baby might be Carl's, but it might still be mine." "Okay, then forget what I said." "I'm trying to play catch-up here." "So you get your sister pregnant, but she slept with him?" "No, she's not my sister." "She's an ignorant white trash woman that I paid to carry my kid." "I deserve that." "No, you don't." "How could you do that?" "This is why I didn't call you back, Rob, because this is the kind of selfish, science fiction shit that you don't want any part of." "Well, the upside is, it looks like I might be a dad." "So if it's a boy, I want to marry you." "Oh, my God." "What?" "I'm so sorry about what's happened." "But I think it's best to wait until the pregnancy is far enough along for DNA testing, before we do anything drastic." "(EXCLAIMS)" "That was quite a kick." "How can you be pregnant?" "Your eggs are from the '40s." "You're upset." "And you're saying hurtful things." "It's understandable." "We'll have a DNA sample sent to the lab." "The rest will be handled in family court." "Of course, if the baby turns out not to be yours, we'll waive our fees." "What about all the background checks?" "Passed." "With flying colors." "You were living with her, and you didn't notice anything." "She fooled us, Kate." "She fooled us all." "I fooled myself." "I booked you a room here, until we sort this out." "So you're done with me, now, is that it?" "You don't need me anymore?" "Gonna try to find some other lowlife you can use to give you everything you ever wanted?" "I'm not gonna do this." "You know, you think you're better than me..." "I am certain that I am better than you." "Okay, we're being honest now?" "Here's one." "I can have a baby, and you can't." "And that drives you crazy." "Get out of my car." "Your stupid space car's locked me in." "Don't touch it when I'm touching it." "Just open it!" "Yeah, you bang on the door, that's how you open it." "Well, you can't even find the stupid..." "Raised by wolves!" "Tell me how to open it!" "Stop touching it, and I will open it." "(LOCK CLICKS)" "It is open now." "Good." "CARL:" "Look, buddy, you don't have to sell me on the product, I'm already in." "Here's what I'm asking." "Do you have a discount policy if you're related to one of the girls that's gone wild?" "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Enjoy it, Kate." "This is your baby." "I'm going to go hide this shell somewhere in the store." "Hey." "Can I get an Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?" "(GAVEL POUNDING)" "JUDGE:" "All right." "Holbrook v. Ostrowiski." "Present." "I take it this is a paternity case." "Actually, it's a maternity case, Your Honor." "Katherine Holbrook hired this woman to be her surrogate, now we're not sure whose egg this is in here." "What are you doing here?" "Angie needed some legal help, so I'm helping." "And you are?" "I'm Rob Ackerman, formerly with the firm Swanson and Weisberg." "Formerly?" "Yeah, now he makes fruit smoothies." "You mean like Jamba Juice?" "Yes, Your Honor, it's exactly like Jamba Juice." "'Cause I love Jamba Juice." "Yeah." "Who doesn't?" "You don't need a lawyer, you know, we're just here to read some results." "But I know that I have the right to a lawyer." "Objection." "And you are?" "Carl Loomis, Your Highness." "I'm here to seek joint custody of that fetus." "Your Honor, this dummy used to be my husband." "Did you provide a DNA sample, Mr. Loomis?" "Uh-huh." "What's that now?" "Did you give someone a hair follicle or a vial of your blood?" "No." "Not as it pertains to this case." "All right, then you're going to have to take a seat." "And if you disrupt the proceedings again," "I'll ask the bailiff to escort you out." "Not scared of her." "JUDGE:" "May I have the lab results, please?" "Okay, I would like to testify on behalf of the prosecution." "There is no prosecution." "Aye, aye, sir." "If you insist, you can make a statement and have it entered on the record." "No, no, that's not necessary." "No, I insist." "I would like to say something." "I'm sorry." "I never should have listened to Carl." "I should have done the right thing." "I just..." "This whole thing made you feel so happy." "And it made me feel so important." "I should have told you the truth." "And I'm sorry I didn't." "I was just scared." "I also want to thank you." "I didn't like it sometimes, but you made me grow up." "I know I was supposed to help you have a baby." "But you ended up teaching me how to be a mother." "So thank you." "And I'm sorry." "She'd be a great mom, Your Honor." "Kid wouldn't get away with shit." "JUDGE:" "Let's watch the language, please." "Freedom of speech, look it up, it's in the thing..." "What Ms. Ostrowiski is trying to say, Your Honor, is that what she did was wrong." "It was extremely wrong." "Cool it, you're my lawyer." "And one of these lies, that's so easy to spin out of control." "This guy, Carl Loomis, he lied to Angie." "And then Angie lied to Kate, and Kate lied to me, and it was a mistake." "I mean, it was a..." "It's a mess, this is all a..." "It's a mess." "This is a real mess." "That's the worst closing argument I've ever heard." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "I'm a little rusty." "Kate." "I just never wanted to come back into a courtroom ever again." "And I came here for you." "Thank you." "I rest my case." "You Honor, I think we are more than ready for you to read the results." "Let the record show that the DNA test indicates that Ms. Holbrook is not the mother of this child." "Okay to get home?" "Of course." "Yeah." "I remember the day I found out I was going to have a kid." "Wow." "I'll never take it for granted again." "Well, I'd still like to meet that kid some time." "I'll give you a call." "You come by the store." "Okay, I'll definitely come by." "Okay." "I'm sorry, Kate." "It's okay." "I just threw up." "You look nice in a suit, by the way." "(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Angie." "Hey." "So, I guess I'll see you later?" "Probably not, actually." "Right." "I've been off Dr. Pepper for two weeks." "This is water." "Good for you." "Thanks." "(LIQUID SPLASHING)" "Angie, I think your water broke." "Wait, what?" "Your water is breaking." "I got to get a bus to take me to the hospital." "Let me drive you, I'll drive you." "Okay, hold this." "I'm not due for three weeks." "I know." "Should we clean that up?" "No, somebody else will get that." "This is really happening, isn't it?" "This is really happening." "It's so weird, 'cause I feel totally calm." "Come on, it feels like I'm shitting a knife." "Okay." "Why won't you bitches help me?" "Just breathe." "Okay, I'll take it from here." "I want to go with her." "Are you family?" "She's my sister." "Well, okay." "Oh, God, holy..." "This way." "Sorry, sorry." "Give me some drugs." "Give me this." "You don't need drugs." "I want those drugs." "No." "You'll never get me, pig!" "(SCREAMING)" "Get out of my way!" "Oh, God!" "(GLASS SMASHING) Angie!" "Is that guy dead?" "Is he dead?" "We need some olive oil to rub on my taint." "It's too late." "It's too late." "Okay, this is gonna go great." "Yeah." "Kate." "It's twins." "Gross." "I don't know what you're crying about." "I gotta walk out of here alone." "That's a good joke, Dr. Manheim." "Okay." "Okay, and give me a big one." "Big one!" "Whoa!" "Nothing." "Okay." "All right, ready?" "Kate, I'm so glad you're here." "You don't look good, by the way." "I feel a little dizzy." "Okay." "Okay, and give me a big one." "Big one." "Whoa." "(BABY CRYING)" "CAROLINE:" "Good morning." "Hi." "How are you feeling?" "Embarrassed." "I fainted in the delivery room." "Well, Oscar's bringing you a change of clothes, and Mom is here, in case you die." "Great." "And somebody else wants to say hi." "Hey." "It's embarrassing." "I'm scared your friend, Angie, has me on speed dial." "She called me, like, 10 times to get down here and take care of you." "Me, too." "How is she?" "How is the baby?" "Great, she's just..." "She's beautiful." "It's a girl." "Got a smile..." "Good morning." "Hello." "Hi." "Hi, there." "Hi." "Could I have a moment alone with Kate, please?" "Sure." "I'm going to go check on Mom." "Hi." "How can I help you?" "Hi." "Well, we got your blood work back." "You are slightly anemic, which explains the fainting." "But there's something else you need to know." "You're pregnant." "That's impossible." "I paid a man thousands of dollars to tell me that that's impossible." "Well, you're only about eight weeks along, but you are definitely pregnant." "He said the chances were one in a million." "Well, I'd start buying lottery tickets, if I were you." "Wait a minute." "Congrats." "Rob." "I'm pregnant." "What?" "I'm pregnant." "You okay?" "Oh, my God." "Hi." "Can I see her?" "She's gorgeous." "What's her name?" "This is Stef." "Stephanie, that's beautiful." "No, Stefani." "Like Gwen Stefani." "Even better." "Hello." "Are you waking up?" "So, you're pregnant." "How'd you know that?" "I can read people's energies." "Plus, your sister told me." "ALL: (SINGING) Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday, dear Stefani" "Happy birthday to you" "Hey, Angie." "Are you two still together?" "No, we're not together." "He's just trying to be a better father, take some parenting classes." "He just started." "I see you." "You think you're funny, punk?" "What'd I tell you about hiding from me?" "Quit hiding from me." "You think you're funny?" "Hello." "This is a gasoline-powered mini-Ninja motorcycle." "Oh, my God, Carl." "You bought a motorcycle for a one-year-old?" "That is crazy." "Really crazy." "That's exactly what she wanted!" "Yay!" "That's great." "Kate, let me give your baby my mojo." "Well, time is love." "Got to run." "Whoa!" "(BABIES GURGLING)" "I love this episode." "('60s POP MUSIC PLAYING)"