"Are you gonna tell me what you're doing, or do I have to guess?" "I'm making a paper airplane for Tabitha." " Haven't you ever seen one before?" " No." "Will it fly?" "Of course." "Come on." "I'll show you." "Tabitha?" "I once won a paper airplane contest." "Oh, isn't that nice." "Watch this, Tabitha." "Hey, that's cute." "I want to try it, Daddy." "You just throw it the way Daddy did." "No, no." "Like this, sweetheart." " Hello?" " Hi, Samantha." "It's Mrs. Stephens." "Oh, hi, Mrs. Stephens." "How are you?" "Oh, fine, dear." "It's such a lovely day I thought I'd invite myself over for a visit." "Oh, gee, Mrs. Stephens." "I'm sorry to disappoint you but Darrin's going to play golf, and I'm..." "Oh, that's perfect." "It'll give us girls a chance for a little talk-talk." "A little talk-talk?" "Oh, I'd just love that." "Oh, good, dear." "I'll be over right after lunch." "Bye." " Who was that?" " Your mother." "It's such a lovely day, she's coming over to nose around." "I'm sure she won't stay long." "Last Sunday, she came for lunch and left after dinner." "Oh." "Well, maybe I should give up my golf game." "Oh, no, sweetheart." "You don't have to do that." "I don't mind." "After all, she's my mother." " Well, it would be nice." " You bet." "And next Sunday, if she comes over, I won't play golf." "Terrific." "Hey, that's very good." " It's fun flying Daddy's plane, isn't it?" " I'm gonna fly it all day." "Can I try?" "Obviously, this just isn't my day." "Good afternoon, darling." "Hi." "Now that isn't what I'd call an enthusiastic greeting." "Well, it's just that you startled me." " Where have you been?" " Persia, darling." "The Shah of Xanadu was becoming drearily insistent so I decided to teach him a lesson and disappear." "But I'm really hooked on his hookah." "He's probably tearing the palace inside out looking for it." "Mother, would you mind changing?" "Why, darling?" "Well, I'm expecting Darrin's mother any minute." "And hide your hookah." "Oh, you poor thing." "Darling, why don't you come to the palace with me." "The shah isn't that dreary." "Mother, please?" " Thank you." "Yes." " All right?" "I'm sorry to be late, Samantha." "Is my adorable granddaughter up from her nap yet?" "No, not for a while." "You remember my mother." "Oh, yes." "How terribly nice to see you." "Do you live here now?" "Live here?" "Whatever gave you that idea?" "Well, it's just that every time I visit, she's here." "Oh, it's just a coincidence." "A happy coincidence." "Samantha darling, I'm sure you and Mrs Stephens have so many things to talk about." "I think I'll be going." "Oh, what a shame." "Here, let me take your coat." "Where..." "Where did she go?" "Well, when my mother says she's going she goes." "But..." "But just..." "Why are we standing here?" "Let's go in and sit down." "Come on." "Actually, I'm glad we have this chance to talk because I've been thinking." "And what I've been thinking is that you need a maid." " A maid?" "What for?" " Well, it'll give you time to socialize with the people who can boost Darrin up the ladder of success." "What people are those?" "Well, for instance, there's Mrs. Endicott Otis." "Her husband practically runs the community and I would never have met her if I didn't sacrifice those two days a week at the League of Women Volunteers." "Well, I feel that I make my fair contribution to charity and still have time to take care of our home." "That must explain why you look so tired and drawn." "Tired and drawn?" "Samantha, I'm going to arrange for you to meet Mrs. Otis." "Now, it wouldn't do for her to think Darrin couldn't afford a maid, would it?" "Mrs. Stephens, I don't know why I've been fighting you." "We definitely need a maid." "Definitely." "I'll start to work on it next week." "Now that your decision's made, why wait?" "After we talked this morning, I phoned the employment agency and asked them to send over a few prospects this afternoon." " You're kidding." " I knew you'd be pleased." "Oh, that must be the first applicant." "Now the most important thing about hiring anybody is to establish immediately who is working for whom." "And make it clear that the job is no snap." "She will cook, clean, do the laundry and the ironing and help take care of Tabitha." "She'll have Thursdays off and every other Sunday afternoon." "I'll be in the kitchen." "I don't want to interfere." "Good afternoon." " Good afternoon." " I'm from the employment agency." " Are you Mrs. Stephens?" " Yes." "First..." "First, I want to make it clear that this job is no snap." "You'll have to do the cooking and the cleaning and..." "Well, now, there are a few more things we ought to discuss." "That's right." "I have to have every weekend and Wednesday afternoon off." "I can't possibly get breakfast ready before 9:00 and I'll serve dinner no later than 7:00." "Of course you have an automatic dishwasher, garbage disposal washing machine." " Oh, yes." " All right." "I'll take the job." " Thank you." "By the way, what is your name?" " Mrs. Harper." " What shall I call you?" "Mrs. Harper." "I'll take a look upstairs to see what I've gotten into." "I wish you wouldn't go upstairs." "The baby's still..." " A baby!" " Well, she isn't very big." "She's only..." "Mrs. Stephens, you have flunked this interview." "Good." "I think." "How did you do?" "I bombed out." " Oh, here we go again." " I'll stay this time." "Maybe I can help." " Yes?" " Mrs. Stephens?" " Yes." " I'm Amelia." "The agency sent me." "They said you were looking for a full-time, live-in maid." "I just love being a full-time, live-in maid." "I find it very rewarding." "Well, you may be just the one we're looking for." " Come in." " Thank you." "My, what a lovely home you have." "Well, we like it." "This is Amelia." "Amelia, this is my mother-in-law, Mrs. Stephens." " Hello, Amelia." " How do you do?" " Won't you sit down?" " Oh, thank you." "My, this is a comfortable chair." "Amelia, I'm going to be honest with you." "There are a few disadvantages to this job." "Mrs. Stephens, my philosophy has always been that nothing is ideal, nobody is perfect there are flies in the best of ointments." "Those are the little crosses that one learns to bear." "That's a perfectly marvellous philosophy, Amelia." "Don't you agree, Samantha?" "Well, yes, of course." "But to get back to the disadvantages." "There's a four-year-old child." "She's very lively." "You no sooner straighten up after her, then she's in to something else again." "That's children for you, bless them." "Mrs. Stephens, would you mind getting us some more cookies?" "Of course." "What happened to the cookies that were..." "Good cookies go fast." "Oh, yes." "Well, I'm delighted to help in any way a mother-in-law can." "Another problem we have is the irregularity of our meals." "You see, my husband is in advertising." "We entertain a lot and keep peculiar hours." "Often you'd be asked to fix dinner for 12, in less than an hour's notice." "Mrs. Stephens, you need say no more." "Oh, well, I'm sorry it didn't work out." "Oh, but it will work out beautifully." "Your household is the kind of challenge I find very rewarding." " It is?" " My things are out in the car." "I can start taking care of you and your little family right away." "You and I are going to have lots of rewarding times together." "Do you want to see my airplane fly?" "Oh, yes, indeed I do." "Good gracious." "That's incredible." "I've never seen anything like that in all my days." "My husband made it." "He won a paper airplane contest when he was a little boy." "He was 23." "And that plane couldn't fly anything like this one." "Gracious." "I'd better get dinner started." "I'll show Amelia around the kitchen while you're dressing Tabitha." "It's so rewarding to have such a helpful mother-in-law." "You have no idea." "I know it's been a lot of work, Amelia but it's my son's favourite meal." "Did you know that, Samantha?" "Yes, Mrs. Stephens." "I believe you've mentioned it once or twice." " Where's Tabitha?" " She's playing out back." "I'll set the table." "Have you mastered hollandaise sauce yet, Samantha?" "I'm afraid not." "That recipe you gave me always seems to curdle." " Oh, hi, sweetheart." " Hi, honey." "Darrin." "I had no idea it was so late." "I must be off, dear." "I wouldn't want to horn in on Sam's little surprise." " What surprise?" " Oh, you'll see." "Bye, dear." "Goodbye, dear." "I'll let myself out." "What surprise?" "Well, it's really your mother's surprise." "And it's not little." "It weighs about 140 pounds." " What does?" " Our new maid." "New maid..." "How come we have a maid?" "Because your mother can be very persuasive." " But, honey, you know..." " Come on." "You know we can't have a maid with all the hocus-pocus that goes on." "I know." "I'll tell her first thing in the morning that things didn't work out." "How about telling her tonight?" "Well, all right." "We'll tell her first thing after dinner." "We'll make up some excuse to let her go give her a good recommendation, two weeks' salary and a fond farewell." "How about one week's salary and two fond farewells?" "This baked Alaska is delicious." "How about that asparagus with hollandaise?" "And how about that shepherd's pie?" "And I was gonna give you plain old hamburger." "Well." "Well, what?" "You better go in and fire Amelia." "Me?" "You fire her." "That's your job." "Darrin, your mother got us into it." "It's up to you to get us out of it." "I wish I could find an argument for that." "Be gentle." "Amelia, may I have a word with you?" "Of course, Mr. Stephens." "We haven't had much of a chance for a chat." "You're a very lucky man, Mr. Stephens." "Tabitha is the most adorable child I've ever seen." "Pretty and unspoiled." "And if you don't mind my saying so she looks quite a bit like her father." " Thank you." "And your wife, she's just as sweet as she can be." " Thank you." " And I can't thank you enough for making it possible for me to be part of this happy home." " Thank you." " Oh, but I'm keeping you from whatever it was you wanted to speak to me about." " It's just that..." " Yes, sir?" "The dinner was delicious, Amelia." "Well?" "I can't do it." "She loves it here." "I'll see what I can do." "Be gentle." "Be it ever so humble" "There's no place like home" "Well?" "Now she's singing "Home, Sweet Home."" "Sam, there's only one thing to do." "First thing tomorrow morning, we'll fire her." "After I leave for the office." "Now." "Now then, what problem has that brute saddled you with?" "Through no fault of Darrin's, we have a maid." "Whatever for?" "Oh, to do the housework, and cook the meals, and things like that." "Samantha, you mean to say that you're paying someone to do what you could do with a snap of your fingers?" "Oh, how utterly, utterly, mortal." "It was Mrs. Stephens's idea." "Oh, so Durwood's mommy wanted you to have a maid." "Oh, how sweet." "Mother, you're not helping." "What I have to do is find a way to get rid of her." "Oh, Samantha, you've been living this humdrum life too long." "Simply turn the creature into a toad, and put her out back." "Mother, I would like a constructive suggestion." "How about a destructive one?" "What did you have in mind?" "This:" "One look at this shambles and that will be the end of your maid." "Mother, you're a genius." "A bit overdone, perhaps, but a genius." "Well, if you think that shows talent wait till you see the kitchen." "Oh, I'll take your word for it." "Come on." "Let's go upstairs." "I don't want to be around when Amelia gets home." "Good gracious!" "Oh, Leslie, I just know you're going to adore Samantha." " We'll see." " Charming little cottage, isn't it?" "Charming." "Good gracious." "I've certainly got my day's work cut out for me." "Oh, good morning, Mrs. Stephens." "Good morning, Amelia." "Is..." " What happened?" " I don't know, ma'am." "I'm sure there's a good explanation." "I'm sure." "Amelia, I'm terribly sorry about the mess." "Mother and Tabitha were playing." "They play rough." "They fooled around a little in the kitchen too." "I noticed." "I think I'd better get started in there." "But don't you worry about a thing, Mrs. Stephens." "I believe in children having free expression." "Well, Mrs. Stephens." "Samantha, this is Leslie Otis." "How do you do?" "You'll have to excuse the house." "Must have been quite a party." "Oh, well, we don't do that kind of thing very often." "It's just that our maid gets nervous if there's not a lot to do." "You mean you have a maid who doesn't complain about things like this?" "Oh, no, not at all." "She just loves rewarding challenges." "Well, if you have a maid who feels that this is a rewarding challenge she's worth a king's ransom." "Of course, it wouldn't do to tell her that." "I don't suppose she has a twin." "No." "No, no, Amelia is one of a kind." "She'll have this place cleaned up in no time." "So I insist that the two of you stay for lunch." "She's an excellent cook, along with all of her other talents." "Oh, I don't think we ought to trouble you at this time..." "It's no trouble at all." "Now, come on." "You just make yourselves at home in the den and I'll talk to Amelia about lunch." "If I believe what's happening, I must be getting senile." "Perhaps, on the other hand, I'm getting younger and a little more lively." "Amelia I'd like to speak to you about lunch for three." " Are you all right, Amelia?" " No." "Yes." "I always say, when things are going well, don't ask questions." "I always say that too." "Now about lunch..." "Excuse me." "Before we get into that, may I say something?" "Of course, Amelia." "You just speak up and tell me whatever's on your mind." "Mrs. Stephens, I've never been as happy in my entire career as a maid and I'm looking forward to a long perhaps even permanent, relationship with you and your little family." "Oh, my." "That is splendid news." "Amelia, that was a perfectly delicious luncheon." "Thank you, Mrs. Stephens." "I just can't believe what you were able to accomplish in less than half an hour." "Well, I just simply can't believe it." "There's something very inspiring about working here." "Well, thank you, Amelia." "We'll have our coffee in the living room." " Yes, ma'am." " Shall we?" "Pardon me." "Is that the way I go to powder my nose?" "Yes." "Into the den and to your left." " Oh, if you'll excuse me." " Certainly." "Mrs. Otis." "Amelia, I'm not one for beating about the bush." "How would you like to come to work for Mrs. Endicott Otis?" "Leslie likes you, Samantha." "I'm perceptive about those things." "Oh, that's nice." "Oh, I forgot to speak to Amelia about the roast for dinner." "I'll be right back." "Whatever Mrs. Stephens is paying you, I'll pay you half again as much." "Thank you, Mrs. Otis, but I find working at the Stephens's very rewarding." "What about the prestige of working for us?" " You'd be queen of the supermarket." " You're very kind, Mrs. Otis but I wouldn't find prestige as rewarding as my life here." "Well, certainly you could use the extra money." "Yes, I am sending my nephew through college." "Would you find double your present salary more rewarding?" "Oh, Mrs. Otis, I don't see how I can." "How I can possibly turn down such a generous offer."