"[LAUGHING]" "[CHEERING AND SCREAMING]" "The fearless space captain is out of both time and luck." "He commands his crew to give him more power." " But, captain, I'm giving you all she has." " Well, it ain't good enough." "Sir, the enemy is charging their weapons." "In a last-ditch attempt to save his ship the captain fires his last remaining blunderbob." "SOW:" "Blunder away." "MAN:" "Aah." "My vacation home is finally finished." "A place where I can escape my 9-to-5 and enjoy some solace in the peaceful bounty of nature." "Dodgers." "[ALL GUFFAWING]" "Once again, the galaxy is saved by Dumb Dodgers of the 24th and a half century." "[ALL CONTINUE GUFFAWING]" "Now, children." "You might want to...." "[CRASHING]" "[ALL CONTINUE GUFFAWING]" "Oh, dear." "[STOMACH RUMBLING]" " I'm hungry." " Hey, let's check out the food synthesizer." "Hooray!" "ALL:" "Ooh." "Oh, wise and mystic food synthesizer please honor us with your sumptuous comestibles." "COMPUTER:" "What do you wish of me?" " Macaroni and cheese." " I want a banana split." " I think I'll have two blueberry pies." "COMPUTER:" "As you wish." " Hey, why did you order two pies?" " Well, one's for eating." "And the other one's for throwing." "Ooh." "I'll get you for that." "[LAUGHING]" "[GRUNTING]" "Ha!" "You missed me." "PUERCO:" "Yoo-hoo!" "PORKO:" "Get back here." "PUERCO:" "I'll murder you, you lousy bum." "Maybe Captain Dodgers won't even notice they're here." "DODGERS:" "Oh, Cadet." "May I speak with you for a moment, buddy?" "Why, hello, Captain Dodgers." "You're angry, aren't you?" "Get those precious little punks off my ship." "But my niece and nephews will only be visiting for a short time." "And honestly, they really are innocent little angels." "I found a secret stash of magazines under Captain Dodgers' bed." "Cool." "Don't worry, I'm on it." "Porko, Puerco and Sow." " Do you kids wanna hear a story?" " No." "Stories are stupid." "I wanna show my disrespect for others by smashing stuff." "I wanna put on makeup and dress inappropriately." "And I wanna continue acting out due to my low self-esteem." "But I really think you're going to enjoy this." "PORKO:" "What is that thing?" "This is a holographic projection wand." "And I'm gonna use it to tell you a story all about me." "Oh, great." "A very special episode about the sidekick." "Now, there's more to me than meets the eye." "And it's all written down in this book." "NARRATOR:" "Once upon a time a happy and peaceful planet fell into the wrong hands." "The evil Archduke Zag laid claim to the land and ruled its people like a tyrant." "His first act was to imprison the innocent, then laugh." "Ruffian." "Then Zag forced the poorest of citizens to pay a burdensome tax." "Most unfair." "And last but not least, Zag changed the color of the royal wallpaper from its beloved pale mauve to a hideous and distasteful puce." "Really." "So a cry went out from the good people of the planet to their greatest champion, begging him to return." "So they called you back to your home world?" "They said that there was much trouble." "And the time has come for me to assume my station." "What's the name of your stupid planet again?" "Oinka Seven?" " Swinest Nine." " Carnitas 11." "It's Swinest Nine." "Farmer Johnnington 33rd." "[LAUGHS]" "Captain Dodgers, you're just having fun with me." "I gotta keep you on your toes." "But I have to tell you." "I'm not too excited about going to a planet run by pigs." "I mean, can you imagine the stench?" "All those fat, sweaty, stinky bodies." "Your people have invented the deodorant, haven't they?" "Oh, I get it." "You're just messing with me again." "No, I'm not." "I'm very, very serious." "CADET:" "Don't worry, Captain Dodgers." "I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised." "I'll meet you outside." "There's some stuff I gotta get in the back." "Don't leave me alone out there for long." "You know I'm afraid of pigs." "Wow." "Palatial palaces, gleaming spires, golden domes." " These swine really know how to live." " Huzzah!" "He has arrived." "At ease, hogs." "Simply address me as Captain Dodgers." "DODGERS:" "All right, spread out." "What's gotten into you walking pork chops?" "Huh?" " Your Highness." " Your Highness?" "Greetings, Ambassador Porkwellington." "It is glorious to see you so well, my liege." "But I'm afraid your cousin, Archduke zag, is up to no good." "zag." "I had such high hopes for him." "Where is my cousin?" "He went into hiding the moment he heard you were coming." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up." "Lucy, you got some explaining to do." "I'm next in line for the royal throne of Swinest Nine." "My cousin, Archduke zag, has been ruling in my absence." "Royal throne?" "You're just messing with me, aren't you?" "Please, Your Highness, there isn't a moment to lose." "Quickly then." "To the imperial palace." "My first act as the new regent is to free zag's prisoners." "Hooray!" "My second act is to return zag's tax to the poor." "ALL:" "Hooray!" "And my third act is to return the palace wallpaper to its original pale mauve hue." "[ALL CHEERING]" "DODGERS:" "That's right, folks." "Taught him everything he knows." "Hey, Cadet, dig my fancy new threads." " Captain Dodgers, what are you doing?" " Why, I'm your new grand brassiere." "You know, Major Dumb-o, consigliere." "Somebody's gotta make sure you don't screw this up." "But...." "Save your strength, my dear lad." "You have to be well-rested for your royal wedding." "[STUTTERING]" "My royal wedding?" "As the law declares, you must marry Princess Incense to formally take your place as king." "The royal wedding will take place at dawn." "[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]" "My little guy is getting married." "Maybe they'll have them big shrimp." "I don't know if I can go through with this, Captain Dodgers." "Don't tell me your pickled pig's feet are getting cold." "I never wanted to rule Swinest Nine." "I chose to join the Protectorate and see the universe." "The universe." "Big deal." "What about the princess?" "Princess Incense was selected to be my mate at my birth." "I've only met her once at my 5th birthday party." " Well, what was she like?" " I don't know." "All I remember is that Debbie Duger threw up in the punch." "[BAND PLAYS WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"]" "Too late, Casanova, the party's starting." "Wow." "She's one barbe-cutie." "You know, you're right." "She is kind of...." "She's hot." "Yeah, they all start out that way." "Then one day you wake up all alone and find yourself in an empty house handcuffed to the radiator." "I'm not bitter." "PORKWELLINGTON:" "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join in holy matrimony this pig prince and pig princess." "PRINCESS INCENSE:" "Oh!" "What is the meaning of this?" "If I can't marry you and be king, no one will." "He's stolen my princess." "It looks like she's been shanghaied and hog-tied." "Ha-ha-ha." "It looks like she's been shanghaied and hog-tied." " Now he's stealing my lines." " Save me, my prince!" "[zag LAUGHS] [zag CONTINUES LAUGHING]" "Don't jump." "There are plenty of other sows in the sea." "[WHISTLES]" "And on his wedding day." "No!" " So then what happened?" " Yeah." " Did you fall down and go boom?" " Or did you rescue the beautiful princess?" "Oh, you kids don't wanna hear the rest of this story." " Do you?" " Yes." "ALL:" "Tell us." "Tell us." "Tell us." " Oh, all right." "No." "Oh, the humanity." "[DODGERS WAILING]" "How long were you going to let me howl in grief?" "Not too much longer." "We gotta get a move on." "Let's fly." "There they are." "I got an idea." "Hang on." "Hey, those were some pretty fancy maneuvers." "Nice of you to notice." "I play a lot of video games." "What kind of move are you gonna pull to avoid hitting that flower stand?" "Whoops." " Wow, what a great trick." " Um, yeah." "Now to surprise zag and rescue the princess." "Halt in the name of Imperial Traffic Court 839." "You might wanna try something with a little more bite to it." "We take our traffic laws very seriously." "Ha-ha-ha." "Your puny traffic courts will never contain me." " How are we gonna get back on this carpet?" " We can try the old alley-oop." "The last time we tried the old alley-oop, I wound up in traction for six months." " I promise to be more careful." " All right." "On three." "BOTH:" "One, two, three." "Well, what do you know?" "It worked." "That's because this time I didn't use the butter and thumb tacks." "Now to rescue the princess." "We'll never catch them at this rate." "Poor kid needs a little help." "This rocket booster should do the trick." "There." "That rocket just came outta nowhere." "It almost hit me in the head." "Probably just some over-enthusiastic royal watcher celebrating your wedding with fireworks." "Or something like that." "Oh, no." "A fool snagged their rocket in our carpet." "You should make a law against that." " We're unraveling." " Curse you, royal watchers." "You wouldn't happen to have any knitting needles?" "Hey, watch it." "You're squeezing my epaulets." "You'll never get away with this, zag." "Oh, my dear, don't be so cross." "After all, that's no way to speak to your future husband." "I will never marry you, you deviled ham." "I'd sooner die than be your bride." "Then you shall have your wish." "Why did you bring me here to the power converters?" "Take a look." "[PRINCESS INCENSE GASPS] zag:" "Just one little nudge and it's lava bath time." "Or you can come to your senses and be my bride." "DODGERS:" "Hey, ham hock, we got something for you." "All right, shorty, you and me." "Choose your weapons." " You can handle this yourself, right?" " Sure." "I'll fight zag." " You untie the princess." " Sounds fair." "I hope you realize that I lettered in laser sabers in high school." "[CADET AND zag YELL]" "Not bad." "Not bad at all." "Ha, ha." "[YELLS]" "[zag SCREAMING]" "Not to worry." "They're both still breathing." "That concludes our lesson for the day." "Naughty, naughty." "DODGERS:" "Hey, Cadet, what are you doing?" " Don't let him get up." " This is a false ending." "You know, a momentary pause where the hero has the upper hand." "But then the villain does something unexpected or reveals some secret device which leads to the real dangerous and exciting climax." "I guarantee he's got something up his sleeve." "You don't have anything up your sleeve, do you?" "As a matter of fact, dear cousin, I've been developing a technology which allows these pignasium bracers of lava control to bend all thermo-dynamic energies to my very will." "Thank you." "Now witness my might." "I have the power!" "See?" "I told you he had a secret device." "[LAUGHS]" " Wow, impressive." " Why not take a closer look?" "Oh, no!" "That monster will turn my prince into an extra-crispy pork rind." "Okay." "This where the beautiful girl comes up with a super-intelligent plan." " But I don't think I can." " Yes, you can." "Don't you see?" "You've always had it inside." "You just needed this moment of crisis to bring it out." "Oh, you're right!" "I do have an idea." "Follow me." "Did I mention I was on the varsity fencing team?" "We took state." "I'm not afraid to use these things." "Candleholders or a paperweight." "Go ahead, take them." "They're heavy." "[LAUGHS]" "[GRUNTING]" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "According to my calculations, if we redirect the dynamic matrix and energize the power stream to 120 percent the power converters will transform the lava monster into pure energy." "Of course." "It's all so simple." " What do we do?" " Just pull that switch." "DODGERS:" "Always gotta be the big heavy one, doesn't it?" "[LAUGHING]" "Now I lay me down to sleep." "DODGERS:" "Hey, princess I could use a little help here." "Never mind." " It's working." " It's so beautiful." "Don't worry about your bracelets, I've got a new pair for you." "I hope the exile planet is nice this time of year." "[PALACE BAND PLAYING]" "Do you have anything to say before we proceed, Your Highness?" "As a matter of fact, I do." "I think that the law which states that I must marry to become king is silly and outdated." " What?" " What?" "And furthermore, the whole idea of life mates being preselected at birth is pretty darn silly as well." "I'm afraid that's why I must abdicate the throne." "[ALL GASPING]" "Don't worry, folks." "He's just a big kidder." " Are you some kind of nut?" " I'm sorry, Princess Incense." "But I don't see any reason why you can't rule Swinest Nine all by yourself." "[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]" "Please." "Think about all the years I put into this relationship." "This is the kind of life I've always wanted for us." "Then I promise to rule fairly." "And you're welcome to visit Swinest Nine anytime you like." "It'll give us a chance to get to know each other better." " Gosh." " No, no." "You can't be serious." "I've waited my whole life for something like this." "[DODGERS WAILING]" "NARRATOR:" "And so our story ends with an appropriate, yet rather time-worn phrase:" ""They lived happily ever after."" "So there you have it." " I hope you kids enjoyed my story." " Are you really a prince?" " With a magic flying carpet?" " Who saved a beautiful princess?" "Well, kids, you'll have to figure that out for yourselves." "Then I, Prince Cadet, will rescue the damsel." "Not if the evil Duke zag has anything to say about it." "Don't let him get me." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "The princess is mine." "Eat fist, zag." "I'll clobber you both." "[CRASHING]" "Captain Dodgers is gonna be ticked." "DODGERS:" "Yahoo!" "The grand brassiere is back in action, baby." "He's just a kid at heart." "[English" " US" "SDH]"