"I got outta the truck in this two-bit town." "I got no money and no prospects." "What I need right now is a stiff drink, a cold shower and a hot broad." "I'll take 'em in any order they come." "Oh, yeah." "One other thing I need:" "An angle." "I was thinkin', if it weren't for bad luck..." "I wouldn't have any luck at all." "Can I help you?" "Either my luck had just changed, or fate just bought me another round of trouble." "Oh, and the house needs a few repairs, but it's, uh, small, not very fancy, she kept yammering the whole time, but it's clean." "But her hips were doin' all the talkin'." "We haven't had a man around here for so long that..." "It couldn't have been any clearer what the setup was." "The next move was up to me." "Stop." "Hold it." "Stop." "Don't tell me." "That's all the time we have." "Sorry." "Next time." "Uh, I have 18 more minutes." "I don't want to hear any more today." " Why not?" " Mr. Follett, do you trust me or don't ya?" "Well, I don't know." "I've only been seeing you... without trust there's no point to any of this." "You might as well not come." "Oh, now, hold on." "I didn't say I didn't want to come." "Good." "Then go." "Hi, Charlie." "Hi, doc." "How you doin'?" "Okay." "Doc, you're early." "What happened?" "My patient had to leave early." "Who was that?" "Does the word "nosy" have any meaning to you, Lily?" "Uh, I think it's like "inquisitive." Enjoy." "It was Henry Follett." "Man, you see him a lot." "And it's very wrong of you to reveal it." "Next you'll be sayin' what his problem is." "What do you wanna know?" "You're terrible." "I'm never telling' you anything." "Hey, doc." "How's it goin'?" "Fine, Elizabeth." "How's yourself?" " Good." "Mumford, how long have you been in this town?" "Oh, I don't know." "Four months, two and a half weeks." "That's how long." "And you've already got more patients than those other two shrinks combined." "I don't think even you could know that, Lily." "Look at that guy." "You know who that is, don't you?" "Uh-uh." "You really don't?" " Uh-uh." " That's Skip Skipperton, man." "He gets himself hit by a truck, this whole town shuts down." "Oh, so that's him." "The Panda man." "What makes you so popular?" "What's your secret?" " You like me." "How come?" " I'm not sure." "Let me think about it." "So I'm watching brokaw, and they've got some astronomer, this little limey know-it-all, and he's telling how with this "himball" telescope, they've discovered that there are maybe 400 million more galaxies..." "Than they thought there were, and I guess that's supposed to make me feel small." "I'm supposed to feel insignificant?" "Is that the point?" "'Cause I'll tell ya, it didn't." "Lionel, since this is our first session together, maybe, um... you can sit up and look at me if you like." "Maybe you want to tell me a little about what brought you here." "Kind of impatient for a big-time head shrinker, aren't you?" "How 'bout you let me explain it my way, okay?" "Thanks." "That'd be great." "So, in my dream, it's always the same." "I wake up in my room when I was a kid in Ohio, and I realize it's the day of the big exam at school, which is no problem for me, because I remembered it was coming." "And I had attended every class, so I'm totally prepared." "Then I see myself running down the hall at school." "And this is where it's very interesting, I think." "It's not really my school." " It's the school from the next district, not my school!" " Go on!" "And even though I arrive a little bit early, everybody is already there." "But the surprising part is..." "I'm the only one who's prepared." "I'm afraid you'll have to get out." "Are you crazy?" "You can't do this." "Sure I can, Lionel." "Look, I am a criminal lawyer." "Do you think I like my clients?" "I can't stand most of them!" "But I don't kick them out." "You see that sign?" ""We retain the right to refuse service to anyone."" "Now, I'm not gonna charge you for this session, but I don't wanna see you back here." "Do you at least have a back door I could use?" "Come out this way, Lionel." "There's no shame in getting a little therapy, is there, Althea?" "Not at all." "It takes guts, Lionel." "Maybe some of us don't need this crap." "And it's the hubble telescope, not the "himball" telescope." "Oop." "Geez, what an asshole." "What do they want from me?" "What have I done that's so wrong?" "They act as if they don't have their own peculiar things." "Oh, believe me, they do." "Everybody's got something they're not so proud of." "Even you probably have things." "Me more than most." "Why are they ganging up against me?" "I'm not sure, but I think they're worried about you." "It's the kids, you know." "It isn't Jeremy." "He had nothing to do with my coming to you." "Except pay, of course." "He's always willing to pay." "He's extremely generous." "I am so humiliated..." "That my own children would threaten me." " How did they threaten you?" " They said that if I didn't get help, they wouldn't deal with me anymore." " What do you think of that?" " Good kids." "Hmm?" "I said you must come out to the house for dinner on Thursday." "Really?" "You think so?" "Yes." "Jeremy will be home for the weekend, and you can meet the kids." "How you doin', Ainge?" "Evenin', Lily." "Hey, doc." "Ainge!" "Tonight on unsolved mysteries." "She was beautiful, charming, and she loved horses." "But even though Shelly Malone was an expert rider, eyewitnesses claimed she died in a freak riding accident." "Shelly's family thinks the truth is very, very different." "In Indiana, a sudden thunderstorm spells trouble..." "For an unsuspecting motorcyclist." "Tragedy seems inevitable until a mysterious lady in black..." "Appears from out of nowhere." "Join me." "Perhaps you may be able to help solve a mystery." "So he already had the tattoo that said "Naomi forever."" "But now they're broken up, see, so he has to have it removed." "But while the scar is still healing... or whatever you call it when you have a tattoo removed... he meets Heidi." "And it's serious." "Immediate love." "So in no time he's gone from the most beautiful actress in north America..." "To the most gorgeous model in the world." "What do you mean, "in no time"?" "Maybe three or four issues." " Weekly or monthly?" " Monthly." "God!" "How shallow do you think Brad is?" "Why do I waste my time telling you this stuff?" "Why do you think you tell me, Nessa?" "Don't do that thing." "Please." "I beg of you." "That shrink thing." "Well, it's a big part of the show." "You really need to let people smoke in here, you know." "It's perverse." "What do they pay you to see me?" "The school board doesn't pay you?" "What kind of a deal is that?" " It's called pro Bono." " Pro boner?" "There's this article that my friends and I read." "It was "twenty-five signs he's great in bed." It was very fascinating." " Where was this?" " The New York Times." "The first one was, "he handles produce well."" "Which we already knew." "The point is, you have a lot of the signs." "You been watchin' me in the supermarket?" "Have women found you attractive?" "I knew you wouldn't answer." "I've been thinking about what you said the last time..." "About me trying to lose weight..." "And constantly not." "You said how maybe people would be happier if they just accept that some things don't change." "There'd be some kind of a relief or something." "Well, I guess I'm just a dumb bitch, but how depressing is that moment?" "The moment when you give up." "Oh, Skip's here." "Hi, Skip." "Hi, Skip." "Hi." "You're doc Mumford." "Skip Skipperton." "Oh, how are ya?" "Fine." "Okay." "Pretty good." "I've been hoping we'd meet." "I've heard a lot about you." "Do you think we could..." "Can I buy you a drink?" " Sure." ""Find the need and fill it," my dad used to say." "I guess a lot of dads say that." "But I did, and it just took off." "No kidding." "Panda Modem." "Where'd that come from?" "Panda?" "I've always liked giant pandas." "I've been to China and seen them in the wild." "It's the kind of thing I can do if I want... now." "I can do pretty much anything I want to do these days." "So now we make 23% of the modems in the market, which is pretty good." "Wow." "When I was growing up here, the timber business was just playing out." "The town was about dead." "Panda Modem changed all that." "Now just about everybody in town either works for me or depends on the company somehow, which is kind of the problem." "Would you like another..." "Whatever that is?" "No, I'm all right." "It's grapefruit juice." "Grapefruit juice." "Far out." "I'm gonna get another beer." "All right." "You want me to be your friend." "But that's not what's really going on." "What's really going on is you have some problems and you want some therapy, but you feel it could be very bad for Panda Modem stock..." "If word got out that you were having head problems." "Can I ask you a personal question?" "Of course." "That's exactly what I want." " Have you thought about getting a wife?" " Yeah." "When Panda started to happen, I was dating women..." "From New York, San Francisco, L.A." "They came out of the woodwork." "Models, actresses, venture capitalists." "These were not the kind of girls who were interested in me before I hit it big." "And you know what I discovered?" "I discovered these girls did not love me for myself." "The majority of them didn't even like me." "But a lot of them would've gladly become Mrs. Skipperton for a while." "Can you imagine that?" "Marrying somebody just because they've got money?" "I gotta pee." "Can I ask you something?" "This town is called Mumford." "Been that way since 18..." "eighteen-oh... eighteen-oh... thirteen, right?" "Now, here's the question." " Your name is Mumford too." " Is that the question?" "You moved here from back east, and your name is the same as this town." "Right?" "Far out." "I hope you don't think I want you to do this for free." "Just because we're gonna play it like we're friends doesn't mean I won't pay you like a doctor." "I understand." "I have a lot of money." "You know how much money I've got?" "Don't tell me, 'cause I'm not gonna tell you what I've got." "I've got three big ones." "I'm impressed." "I couldn't make $3 million if I lived three lifetimes." "No, no." "I have $3 billion." "There you go." "Thank you, sir." "Dr. Mumford." "Mr. Crisp." "I was just lookin' for a ladder." "Could you come with me, please?" "I should've come to your office." "Uh, I was gonna, actually." "But you walked in here today and... that's all right." "It's my daughter Sofie." "She's got a problem." "What's that?" "We're not sure." "We've been to all kinds of doctors in the city." "They all say different things." "Some are callin' it Epstein-Barr virus." "The rest are calling it chronic fatigue symptom." "Syndrome." "Chronic fatigue syndrome." "That's it." "Syndrome." "You know all about it, huh?" "No." "A little." "There's a lot of debate about it." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, I got that." "Some people think that it's all in their heads, huh?" "Yeah." "Well, it's been so bad that she had to move back to Mumford and live with us." "I'm not sure that's the best thing." "Why is that?" "Well, a lot of reasons." "Several different factors." "Would you see her, doc?" "Sure." "Uh, why don't you bring her up to my office at 3:00 tomorrow afternoon?" "I'm not sure she'll come." "She's in a mood." "You ever go to somebody's house?" "Generally that doesn't work out so well." "It sends the wrong message to people that need to make a change." "This is great." "This is exactly what I wanted." "Skip, you must have lots of people you can throw a ball with." "You'd be surprised." "Most guys have kids or wives or girlfriends." "They're busy." "It's not as easy as you think, doc." "Skip, you're the head of the whole deal here." "Are they busier than you?" "Well, like I said, just about everybody in town works for me." "It's just not the same asking someone to throw a ball when they work for you." "It's like an order or something." "So would you say we're out here, uh... let me think how to put this." "Is your problem really that you're lonely?" "Don't you like this?" "Sure, I like it." "What's better than this?" "Most guys would kill..." "To have someone to do this with whenever they like." "Okay, then." "Have you got a lot of friends?" "Lily and I talk a bit." "You know Lily, who runs the coffee shop?" "No." "I've seen her, though." "Good-lookin' woman." "She's probably ten years older than you." "Good-lookin' woman." "Lives downstairs from me." "She's got a dog named for Danny Ainge." "Wait." "Really?" "Danny Ainge?" "I'm the only person I know that likes Danny Ainge, outside of Celtic fans..." "And Phoenix, I guess." "Well, there's Lily." "Did you know that Danny Ainge was drafted by the bluejays?" "Do you know what kind of an athlete you have to be to be in the N.B.A. And in the majors?" " Amazing." " Unbelievable." "And Lily named her dog after him, huh?" "Far out." "What kind of person do you have to be to do this?" "What?" "This." "I would've traded any of it to have made the Mumford high varsity." "So I guess Henry Follett is a patient of yours?" "Yeah." "He's my pharmacist." "Guy's got some serious sex fantasies." "Pretty good too." "Lots of detail." "Nothin' hard-core." "Old-fashioned ones from back when people cared about atmosphere and character." "Uh-huh." "The problem is his fantasy life's a lot better than his actual one." "Nothing can live up to it, so he's always disappointed in the real thing." "His wife got sick of it and left him." "Took his kids with her." "I wondered what happened to her." "Of course it's not that simple." "There's something powerful going on there I don't get." "We got some work to do." "It's hit to the warning track!" "In these fantasies, Henry Follett is played by a handsome guy with biceps." "Can you imagine that?" "Where your self-esteem has to be?" "Man, I'd just like to move the guy to the point where he gets to appear in his own fantasies." "Dr. Mumford." "Mr. Crisp." "This is my daughter Sofie." "Have a seat." "Feel free to lie down." "Most people do." "I'd better not." "I'll fall right to sleep." "I think it's too soon for me to be sleeping with you." "What can you tell me about this?" "Oh, lord." "It's almost too exhausting to tell you about my exhaustion." "I didn't really want to come." "I'm not hopeful right now." "But I couldn't take the look on my dad's face." "When did you start to feel this way?" "About six months ago..." "I guess it is now." "God, it seems like years." "I'm embarrassed by it." "Before this happened, when I'd hear people talk about this kind of thing," "I thought it was bullshit." "What?" "You think that now." "You think it's a bunch of baloney, don't you?" "No." "I saw it." "I saw it in your eyes." "That's okay." "Maybe it is." "My mother always says, "everything that's wrong with you is in your head."" "I suppose that's true." "Back when this started, was there anything unusual happening in your life?" "Uh, a change of job, of living situation, a loss of some kind?" "No." "But it started one year to the day after my divorce became final." "That's not too suspicious, is it?" "But it wasn't like I was feeling bad about the divorce." "Just the opposite." "Hmm." ""Hmm"?" ""Hmm," as in, "that's interesting."" "Sometimes with enough clues it's possible to figure these things out." "Even if you don't think it's real?" "I don't know what's real and what isn't." "That's never been my strong suit." "But if you're tired all the time and you've had to give up the life you were living..." "And come back home and you didn't want to, that's worth trying to fix." " Maybe I can help you do that." " What would you do?" "We." "We would try several things, but I need to see you a lot." "Oh, I don't know." "I barely made it today." "I'll come to you." "We'll try a little walking." "We'll take it slow." "You'll never feel you can't handle it." "I don't think I can afford it." "I don't want my dad paying." "We'll work it out." "You have the best answer for everything." "You seem so hopeful." "Are you always this..." "Sunny?" "No one ever thought so." "You must bring it out." "Hmm." "I'm so happy that you came." "I'm so glad you invited me." "Sorry everything's in such an uproar." "Lots of big occasions coming up, and you know Christmas..." "Is only eight months away." "Uh, I don't know what's keeping Jeremy." "You know, he stays in the city three nights a week." "Yes, I explained that." "I know Katie's here, but I am not so sure about Martin." "Uh, I'm making dinner myself tonight, so I'll have to leave you, I'm afraid." "I'm awful, I know, but could you please help yourself?" "I just got a new copper sauciere from Williams-sonoma, and I'm afraid it'll be the death of us all if I don't get back in there." "I'm fine." " You're the doctor, aren't you?" " You must be Katie." "Come here." "Quick." "Come on." ""Smith  Hawken, Scully  Scully," ""Cuddledown, linen and lace," ""Plow  Hearth, Victoria's secret," ""Wolferman's, Neiman Marcus, Coldwater Creek," ""Norm Thompson, J. Crew," "Sharper Image, Garnet Hill, Hammacher Schlemmer."" "You must be Martin." "Is this him?" "I showed him." "Do you get it now?" "This is no joke." "Hey, kids." "Oh, hi." "Jeremy Brockett." "You must be Dr. Mumford of Mumford." "Doc." "Nice to meet ya." "Sorry I'm late." "Traffic was a motherfucker." "Have a drink." "I'll be back in five." "It's very exciting when it all comes to me, and sometimes I even order double so that I can sort of see what I'm gonna send for gifts." "So now I have two of everything." "Think you're gonna like this." "You know much about Cuban cigars?" "Nope." "I'll be back." "Makes the whole thing that much better." "Hold the flame a little bit below the end." "That's it." "Now turn it slowly while you draw." "You a man who likes to treat himself right?" "I've had my moments." "Well, I am, and I'm not ashamed of it." "Nobody ever said on their deathbed, "I treated myself too well."" "I thought it was, uh, nobody ever said, "I should have spent more time at the office."" "Fill in the blank." "I don't mind the office." "The point is, you only go around once." "So like the zens say, "be here now."" "What do you do?" " Althea didn't tell ya?" " We've been talkin' about her mostly." "Well, in '85, four of us left our firms..." "And formed an investment banking venture." "We have 23 people working for us now." "You've done well." "We've done very well." "You know anything about addiction, doc?" "A little." "Well, I'm addicted to winning." "I say when you're in the red zone you gotta score." "So, what do you think?" "Tastes good." "No." "I mean about Althea." "About her behavior." "Think you can fix her up?" "What do you think's wrong with her?" "She's gone weird is what's wrong with her." "She's out of control." "Probably from living out here in Mayberry R.F.D." "But you're the doctor." "What do you think?" "She seems very unhappy." "I think we all knew that, Professor." "The question... the real "ques-tio-nee" is why?" "You know how to drive?" "Sure." "Got a license?" "But no car?" "Don't need it." "I just got my license two weeks ago." "You're good." "I've been drivin' since I was 12." "That would explain it." "Can you help mom?" "I'm trying." "Got to." "Nessa Watkins." "She comes to you, doesn't she?" "You're treating her, right?" "What's wrong with her?" "Is she a friend of yours?" "No." "Sort of." "She's so screwed up." "Always starving herself when she's already skinny." "Man, she could be cool, but all she does is get wrecked and do all the guys." "Person's gotta hate themselves to act like that." "Have you ever met a bigger shithead than my stepfather?" "Thanks, Martin." "Ainge!" "Ainge!" "Ainge." "That's okay." "Jeremy won't mind." "Do we run into the street?" " See ya." "No." "I didn't think so." "Nice car." "How's that place?" "It's a pretty piece of land." "And the Brocketts?" "Horror show." "What'd you do tonight?" "Oh, it was insane around here, man." "I had to call in the National Guard." "Then I did my laundry and watched 20/20." "And?" "It was shocking." "Did you know that the government is wasteful?" "You heard it here first." "And bein' a supermodel, Mumford, is no walk in the park." "Why do you watch?" "There's no gentleman caller, doc." "Not that I care." "I've had it with men." "They're so fascinated by their own crap." "It took me four years to get the last one out." "These days, my idea of a hot date..." "Is a long shower by myself before bed." "Now that... that feels good." "And you don't have to do all that listening." "Oh." "Sorry." "That's very insensitive." "I guess that's the story of your life." "I'm not making any promises." "Turn back any time you want." "Oh, boy." "This should be interesting." "Hello, mother." "I want you to meet Dr. Mumford." "Mumford?" "Like the town?" "Yes." "It's a pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Crisp." "What's happening here?" "We're going for a walk." "Do you think that's a good idea?" "Dr. Mumford does, yes." "I've put myself completely in his hands." "Uh, for today, anyway." " What kind of doctor are you?" " Ph. D. Psychologist." "Oh." "Not a real doctor." "That's right." "The fake kind." "We'd better go, or I am liable to bail on this whole thing." "Nice meeting you." "Mom's such a cutie." "Usually people don't hate me till they get to know me." "You caught her in a good mood." "Wow." "It doesn't bother me anymore." "It's my dad and my brother I worry about." "Maybe, but you're the one whose ass is dragging." "Is that the technical description of what I've got?" "Is she against you getting help?" "Uh, we don't discuss it." "Something's bothering her." "Oh, we've all disappointed her." "Me especially, but my dad, of course." "She thinks my brother's all right, but she didn't expect much." "It's what happens when you marry beneath yourself." "Please forgive me." "What?" "Negative thinking makes everything more difficult." "If you're gonna have enough strength to do this, we have to talk only about positive things." "All right?" "All right." "Okay, then." "Are you positive your mother's a bitch?" "Just kidding." " Is this the treatment?" " Sorry." "'Cause I'll tell ya, none of the others have tried this approach." "Hey." "Just do it." "I want you to tell me all your symptoms." "I'm embarrassed." "The list is so long." "Be specific." "Well, I'm tired all the time, obviously." "I always feel like taking a nap, but then if I try to sleep, I have trouble." "My muscles ache, and my joints." "I feel like an old person." "Or like I did back when I used to work out too hard." "What else?" "Sore throat?" "Uh-huh." ""Low grade fever, painful lymph glands."" "Irritability?" "Forgetfulness?" "Depression?" "Yes, yes and definitely yes." "Also, I get confused." "Yeah." "Most people have that." "It's confusing here." " Where?" " Life." "I don't know if I mentioned the headaches." "Did you get headaches before this?" "Yeah." "But you get more now, or more severe?" "No, not really." "They're about the same." "My marriage was one long headache." "So the headaches may not even be a part of this." "I can give myself a headache instantly." "Is that like a party trick?" "All I need is to have two conflicting thoughts at the same time." "Like, I'll think, "taking these walks is gonna help Sofie get better."" "But then I'll also think, "Mumford, you just enjoy taking these walks, and you're kidding yourself about the benefits."" "There." "I've given myself a real whopper." "You actually address yourself by name in your thoughts?" "So you really think having two opposing ideas in your head does some kind of damage?" "Sometimes, yeah." "Pulling in two different directions at once..." "Makes tiny little tears in our fabric." "Then my life has been some kind of huge rip." "Hey, Skip." "Hey, doc." "I know we're not supposed to get together until Thursday." "That's all right." "What's on your mind?" "How many sessions have we had now, doc?" "Six." "And it's been good, like we're two buddies, hangin' out, just shootin' the shit." "Yep." "This is really hard." "Everything I want to say is hard." "We're like friends, almost, who trust each other." "I wanna tell you something, doc, but before I do I need to ask you a question." "Because for me to tell you this thing..." "well, I haven't told anybody about this." "It's the biggest secret I've got." "Sometimes it's best to keep a few things just for ourselves." "You're a shrink, doc." "Aren't I supposed to be able to tell you everything?" "It's... it's just a thought." "That really relates to the thing I wanna ask you." "I've noticed that sometimes..." "not a lot, but sometimes... when we're hangin' out, throwin' the ball, or that time we went bowling, sometimes you'll, like," "tell me things about your other patients." "Hey, maybe that's all right!" "I don't know all that much about psychology or therapy..." "Or ethics." "So maybe there's something I missed or something." "You're concerned that maybe I can't be trusted with a secret." "I trust you." "Definitely." "No question." "But, yeah." "I'm a little concerned." "I mean, you're not supposed to tell anyone about your patients' problems, are you?" "That is correct, Skip." "I'm gonna have to take a long look at that." "Okay, then." "What I was gonna tell ya..." " Skip." "Knowing what you do about me..." "I mean, what you just said..." "Doc, I trust you." "You've listened to me better than anybody." "Maybe ever." "And this secret I got, I can't stand it anymore." "Okay." "I'm just gonna tell you as simple and direct as I can." "And you understand that this is a big secret, just between us?" "You know I've got this gift for certain kinds of machines." "You are Panda, monarch of modems." "That's right." "And you also know that even though I make 23% of the modems in the world," "I cannot make one simple connection with any woman who could truly love me." "Mmm." "Okay, let's say that for now." "It's true." "Believe me." "So, do you know what I've been doing..." "All alone in my workshop for almost two years?" "Mr. find-the-need-and-fill-it?" "How I spend my every solitary hour?" "Guess." "Go ahead." "Guess." "Jerking off?" "No!" "Although that's a good guess." "No." "What I've been working on, what the world really needs and no one has been able to create:" "A virtually lifelike, humanoid, gender-specific, anatomically functional," "sexual surrogate, slash, companion." " Slash what?" " Sexual surrogate, slash, companion." " A doll?" " No, doc!" "Not a doll." "I am Panda Modem." "I'm talking about much, much more than a doll." "The world has never seen what I'm talking about, except maybe in the movies." "How's it coming?" "You don't think I'm insane?" "And that's your secret?" "You meant like a trade secret?" "No, doc." "A private secret." "It's psychotic." "It's pitiful." "What am I?" "Dr. Frankenstein?" "Aren't you repulsed?" "It sounds like kind of a good idea." "Really?" "Definitely." "Skip, that's not much of a secret." "It's not?" "Oh, it's okay." "It's just not something to be ashamed of." "Maybe you don't want people knowing, and believe me, it's safe with me." "But on the scale of dirty little secrets I'd give it, say, a two." "You wanna know a secret?" "I'll tell you a secret since it's just between us and all." "The secret, Skip, is this." "I am not now, nor have I ever been..." "A psychologist." "We'd better get going." "Just follow my light." "Skip, watch your step." " Who else knows?" " Just you." "It's time you did some talkin', Dr. mum." "Wait a minute." "That is your name, isn't it?" "Damn!" "What is your name?" "It doesn't matter." "You can call me doc." "It matters to me." "I've told you a lot of private stuff." "I can tell you anything else." "What about everything else?" "How did this happen?" "Did you know that every species of mammal..." "Has found some way to drug, inebriate or anesthetize itself?" "Even if it's just banging its head against a rock." "Seems to be some natural urge to get away for a while." "I've had it for as long as I can remember." "When I got a scholarship to go out of state to college, congratulations." "I was the first one in my extended family..." "Who'd gone beyond high school." "At graduation, my folks looked like a normal, happy couple, which I guess they were about ten percent of the time, out in public." "My roommate was from a planet i had never heard of..." "Called scarsdale, where everything was the opposite of West Virginia." "Come on in, bro." "All the other kids seemed to know things I didn't." "They were friendly enough, but in four years I never got over feeling..." "That I'd sneaked in and I was about to be exposed..." "As the hillbilly and impostor I actually was." "The thing that always made those feelings go away was fun." "Fun was drugs." "Fun was sex." "The only problem i had with degenerate, self-destructive behavior..." "Was I couldn't get enough of it." "Over the next few years I had a series of challenging jobs." "Pump jockey, pizza delivery, pipe fitting, pest control." "Lots of jobs that started with the letter "p." For some reason..." "I kept losing these jobs." "Eventually, doing all these different jobs, I noticed something." "For some reason, probably because I was too stoned to talk, everywhere I went, people would talk to me." "My brother started molesting me." "This whole pattern of..." "Tell me everything." "Behavior... my real dad?" "Well, who's this man..." "I've been living with all my life, right?" "Their problems," "I know we're in love with each other... their innermost thoughts," " I think he's smoking dope." " Sometimes they'd pretend they needed advice, but mostly people just wanted someone to listen." "I'm a little nervous about the whole thing." "And I... told you she left me, didn't I?" "She just would eat away at me and away at me... anyway, one day I was, uh, spraying for termites..." "When I had a vision." "It was time to put my college degree to work..." "And get a job with a desk." "Took the civil service exam." "I found myself working at the internal revenue service, district 14, central administrative office." "I started off as a general records clerk, but pretty soon I was taking the advancement test." "There was more money to be made as your classification went up, which had a lot of appeal to me because, even though I was certain..." "I could stop anytime I wanted, I had developed a real addiction to cocaine." "It was the best hobby I ever had." "Not that one!" "That is allowed!" "But I sure didn't want to be a revenue officer..." "Where you were face-to-face with the public, getting abuse all day long." "And being one of the collection cowboys..." "Had no appeal at all." "But there was one job that looked like it might be fun:" "Investigator." "Are you telling me your last job before becoming a psychologist..." "Was an investigator for the internal revenue service?" "Everybody has a story, Skip." "Seems like you got the variety pack." "What it felt like was..." "A series of separate, unconnected lives." "Every time I'd leave a life, it felt good." "Whatever problems I was having were suddenly gone." "I had no friends, and I didn't talk to my family." "The only constant, stabilizing force in my life was drugs." "An I.R.S. Investigator with a drug problem." "I got teamed with one of the top guys, this fanatic named Gregory." "He always got his man, whether they deserved it or not." "He was a closer, and everybody admired that." "He'd make the case, and the collection guys would come in and clean up." "Our specialty was, uh, sleazy skulking." "We were a great team." "I was a dope addict." "Gregory was insane." "See you, captain." "Of course him being insane didn't make it all right that i fell in love with his wife." "Candy." "holy shit." "Get to know your therapist." "You were messed up, man." "Things got a lot worse." "The best way to get money out of taxpayers..." "Was to intimidate them, which meant building up a convincing case..." "Whether they'd actually done anything wrong or not." "That's where we came in." "Our district manager was pushing us hard to make a case against a furniture maker..." "Named Edmond warris and his family." "We were getting so much pressure, Gregory started acting more and more irrational." "We were breaking into their warehouse, into their files, doing things that were over the line, even for the I.R.S." "When I look back on it now, I'm sure Gregory must have known about candy and me." "And it probably made him even crazier." "What was scary was, on our team, I had become the responsible one." "When the warris case looked like it might not add up to anything," "Gregory and the district manager put the squeeze on warris' accountant, a guy named gorbeck." "There aren't many accountants who don't have something to worry about with the service." "Gorbeck decided to help." "Warris said he'd done nothing wrong..." "And threatened to fight it all the way to Washington." "I was secretly pulling for him." "He didn't expect his accountant to turn on him." "Gregory and the district manager stepped up the pressure." "What none of us down at the service knew was that Edmond warris had a story too." "His was that he'd been fighting chronic depression for 30 years." "Under the heat of the investigation, he fell off his medication." "One Tuesday morning he went down to the factory," "Wrote his family a letter." "Then he used the nine millimeter automatic they kept there to kill himself." "The district manager decided to blame us." "He dropped the case that day and started proceedings to get rid of Gregory and me." "Gregory went home drunk and beat up candy." "Candy told me she didn't want to see me again." "She hated us both, and she was leaving us both." "It made perfect sense to me." "A decent man was dead, and some of it was my fault." "Whatever this was, it felt like..." "The bottom." "I wanted to leave too, just like candy, get as far away from..." "Me... as possible." "And so you did." " And the drugs?" " Harder than I thought." "On my third try I found a place in the desert..." "That was run by an order of monks." "And it worked." "What about the name?" "Mumford." "I mean, why pick the name of the town you were going to?" "You got it backwards." "I already had the name when I started looking for somewhere to settle." "When I saw this town on a map, I thought maybe it was a sign." "See, Mickey Mumford was in miss rice's kindergarten class with me." "He was killed with his parents in a car wreck on their way back from a steelers game." "He was only six years old, which is a real plus." "So there's a birth certificate if anybody checks, but not much else." "And a birth certificate is enough?" "Everything flows from that." "And what doesn't can be easily purchased." "Of course, my i." "R.S. Training made it easier." "Once you've done that, there's not much data you can't access and use any way you want." "In a free society, you are who you say you are." "If you screwed up one life, sometimes you can get another shot." "Be back." "But you studied psychology, right?" "You did the training and just never got the degree." "No." "No training." " Psych major?" " English lit." "Geez, man!" "But you're good at it." "I understand what it's like to wanna leave a problem behind." "That's all most people are lookin' to do." "Mainly I listen." "Somebody's taking a shower down there." "That'd be Lily." "I wish I could live in the shower." "I'd take five a day if I had the time." "I went to this spa in Germany, a sanitarium practically, up on this Mountain." "The great thing..." "they just kept you wet all day." "Who'd you go with?" "That's not good." "So we get on this steam engine train that runs up into the mountains." "And this trip was everything it's supposed to be." "We're chugging along in this open car... great views, Mountain air blowing through." "We'd been married at this point four years." "He turns to me and, for a second, he looked the way he did when we first met." "And he says how he likes it better when I wear my hair back." "That wasn't so good." "Oh." "You're doin' great." "I don't know if I'm gonna make it the whole way." "It doesn't matter." "Go on." "Oh, this makes me sound irrational, which is probably right, but there was something about him saying this." "It was maybe the millionth time he had told me about some preference of his." "Well, I was so tired of it." "It seems like my whole life someone has been telling me..." "I'm just not getting it right." "Can we rest for a second?" "Are you purposely making me talk while we do this?" "Because you think this is good for me?" "And... you're a sadistic bastard..." "Yes." "Who thinks there's nothing really wrong with me." "Oh, there's something wrong with you, all right." "Especially after hearing that dream of yours about the roto-rooter." "That was pretty bad, wasn't it?" "Disgusting." "And I'll bet you can interpret the whole thing?" "Well, it's pretty obvious to a trained professional." "I hate those dreams where everything means something." "So is that when you split up?" "No." "That'd make a good story, but that was just the beginning." "We went on for another year or so." "So whose route is this?" "Brady peck's." "Fourteen years old." "Lives next door." "And he's where?" "Downstate at jamboree." "Five days." "Why?" "I'm thinking a gal could make a good living doing this." "How hard could it be squeezing out some 14-year-old?" "You like it?" "It's all right." "Then you can expect me tomorrow morning at 5:30." "This is legitimate therapy?" "Therapy?" "Hell, no." "I just don't want to do it alone." "And there's no way this behavior can be interpreted as anything..." "But completely inappropriate and highly unprofessional." "Now..." "I don't want to presume to tell you how to run your businesses." " Practices." " Whatever." "Six months ago, you two were the only shrinks in town." "Now, you realize, Lionel, there's a difference." "While I'm a psychiatrist," "Dr. sheeler is a psychologist like Dr. Mumford." "Oh." "That's fascinating." "My... point is that the value of your, um, practices..." "Could be seriously undermined by this bozo." "A town this size has only so many head cases to go around." " Well, what exactly would you have us do, Lionel?" " You protect your turf." "You check this guy out." "I smell a rat." "I'm telling you." "Mr. dillard, I'm sure Mr. delbanco shares my gratitude for your concern, but I also know that he'd agree you misunderstand the nature of our calling to mental health." "We're not in some widget business, trying to crush our competition." "What the hell is a widget?" "Why do I waste my time?" "Complete idiots." " What an asshole." " Ernest, what do you think?" "I think he's got a point." "Found work my first day out..." "Down at old man sutter's gas station and diner." "I don't want to see that boy around here again." "Back at the boardinghouse, i was washing up when I heard a load of yelling', and I got my first look at the landlady's daughter." "You don't like any of my friends!" "Don't walk away from me!" "Lucky for me, she was plenty upset, but not too careful." "Or maybe it wasn't an accident at all." "Mr. Follett?" "For in that instant, I saw the beginning of a vixen's smile." "And I knew that it was..." "Henry!" "What?" "Stop now." "Why?" "I'm payin' for this." "Not for this." "Not me, you're not." "You find it distasteful, don't you?" "It doesn't matter how I feel about it." "It's how you feel about it that matters." "I enjoy it." "Does that make me some kind of deviant?" "Just because a man's got a rich, imaginative life?" "You didn't come to me..." " Because you have a rich imagination, Henry." " No?" "You came because it's taking over." "You're in its grip." "I never said that." "Where's your wife, Henry?" " Where's your wife, Henry?" " Go to hell." "I didn't hear you." "I thought we were going to talk about me." "We got divorced." "I had to get rid of her." "She couldn't satisfy me." "What?" "I was never satisfied." "Now we're back on track." "I suppose." "What's that?" "You are so mean." "That is such a wicked look." "What is it, Nessa?" "Look at those legs." "This chick is 12 feet tall." "That's the body I'm getting." "I've ordered it." "Whoa!" "This dress has to be surgically applied." "Where is this beach where everyone has such good teeth?" "What do you want me to see?" "Just chill for a second." "Look at this guy." "Gorgeous, although clearly not of this earth." "Excellent pecs." "Mutant cheekbones." "Where are you going?" "I'm showing you something." "I just need to find the... the thing." " If you don't want to have a session today, it's okay." " I want to have the session." "I thought it would be cool if I could show you some of the things that interest me." "We could share, as they say." "But I guess you're not into it, which we already knew." " What happened today?" " What are you talking about?" "Was it something that happened at school?" "These appointments were not my idea, remember?" "True." "Should we stop them?" "I don't think you know what you're talking about." "Hmm." "This shrink school you went to." "Did you hear about it on an infomercial?" "I want to live in the world that these people are in." "No one ever says anything in there." "Have you noticed?" "They're all very cool, like they're all really deep." "It's when people start talking that everything goes to shit." "There's this kid at school, Martin Brockett." "He has some gigantic idea of himself that no one else shares." "You wouldn't believe the crap he lays on me." "Who appointed him my spiritual leader?" "If he has everything so figured out, how come his best friend's a.22 rifle?" "Why does he spend all his time chasing after me?" "Probably thinks I'm gonna give him a hummer." "Do you think that's what he wants?" "No." "I don't know what he wants, but I know I don't like being watched." "No one's ever paid any attention to what I did, and I liked it just fine." "Where does he get off telling me I disrespect myself?" "Fuck him." "Look in the mirror, bozo." "Hello." "Konichiwa." "Hello." "Good to see you." "Very good." "I'm Lily." "What's the deal?" "Hi." "They come through several times a year." "It's a tour." "Oh, Mrs. saito, good to see you again!" "Where am I supposed to eat?" "You're on your own today, sweetie." "Good to see you." "I'm Lily." "Skip!" "Hey, doc." "Lily, I want you to meet Skip." "Skip, Lily." " It's a pleasure to meet you." " Me, uh, too." "I was at your house." " Oh?" " Upstairs with doc." "It's a very nice place." "I heard your shower." "I see you goin' by on your board all the time." "I didn't realize." " You're so young to be so..." " What?" " So rich?" " So accomplished." "I may be young, but doc can tell you, I'm very immature." "So is this, like, a Japanese restaurant?" "Oh, I'd better go." "Sorry." "That's a lot of people all at once." "It's okay." "They pre-order." "It's a choice of three entrees." "What are they?" "Meat loaf, Turkey quesadillas and salad nicoise." "Salad nicoise?" "I love salad nicoise." "You do?" "Yeah." "Uh, come on in." "Far out." "Dr. Mumford?" "Dr. delbanco." "It's nice to see you again." "I don't think you know Dr. sheeler." "She's the other therapist here in town." "Of course." "I've heard great things about you." "Thank you." "You never got back to me." "I called to say we'd like to take you out for a meal." " Kind of a professional welcome." " Forgive me, please." " What a gracious thought." "We must do that." " When?" "Why don't I call you when I have my calendar in front of me?" " What are you doin' for lunch?" " Right now?" "Mm-hmm." "...Annihilation anxieties engendered by bad experiences..." "With a depriving mother, but either way, no one can escape the fear of death." "It is, as William James put it, "the worm at the core."" "And try as we may to forget or ignore our own mortality," ""the skull will grin in at the banquet."" "I've run on." "Forgive me." "We're here to talk about you." "Are we?" "What Ernest means, I think, is we're very interested in other methodology." "Different kinds of training." "We're great believers in learning from each other." "Well, I've learned so much from Ernest that..." "Dr. delbanco... oh, and I from Phyllis." "So, the university of Kentucky?" "Who runs the program down there?" "My mentor was an amazing teacher named benton mandlebaum." "Died quite tragically in the collapse of a gazebo." "So I suppose your extended training was at an institution in that area?" "Lots of institutions." "My graduate advisor believed we should experience as many environments as possible:" "Prisons, clinics, halfway houses." "For a while, I was chief therapist in a shopping mall." " Had a little spot next to the yogurt place." " Interesting approach." " And what was his name?" " Dorothy Fowler." "Fantastic woman." "She, uh, passed last year in a train wreck." "Damn amtrak." "I trained in the east myself." "Cornell." "And I don't care what anyone says." "There really are regional differences." "I found the state certification exams here quite harrowing." "Did you?" "Oh, yeah." "Very tough." "But I guess that's good." "Keep out the quacks." "Which examiner did you have?" "I probably know him." "Wallace Franklin from greensburg." "That was a terrible thing." "I don't know why hang gliding is even considered a legitimate sport." "Uh, we're interested in any new therapies." "How would you characterize your approach?" "My approach?" "Yes." "Your particular approach." "I don't have one, really." "Most of the time I'm faking it." "See, I think there's not much that can be done about most problems." "They're too complicated, too deep-rooted by the time I hear about them." "The most I can do usually is look, listen real closely..." "And try to catch some glimpse of the secret life everybody's got." "If I can get a sense of that, then maybe, just maybe, I can help them out a little." "I see." " The argument had nothing to do with it." " I understand." " I just want to know what the argument was about." " I had ordered some books, the 100 greatest books ever written." " Mm-hmm." "What are they?" " Oh." "All the great writers." "Shakespeare." "Charles dickens." "Moby dick." "Those people." " One hundred books, Althea?" " It's irrelevant." "It had nothing to do with what happened." "What happened?" "We argued on Sunday." "He went to work on Monday..." "And stayed in the city during the week like always, but on Thursday, when he normally comes home, he didn't." "He didn't call, either." "Not till Saturday afternoon." "You must have been concerned." "It's happened before." "I am shocked by how little I'm feeling." "I don't understand this." "I'll probably have a complete depressoid collapse soon, won't I?" "Doubtful." "What did he say?" "Oh, he said he wasn't coming back." "He said it wasn't working for him anymore." "Hadn't worked for him for quite a while." "Do you know what I regret the most?" "I am sorry I let him make the kids take his name." "He was an acquirer." "He liked to acquire things." "You think that has something to do with my problem, ordering all those things, like I was on some kind of campaign to out-acquire him." "If I was just an acquisition to him, and he lost interest once he had me... that can't be it." "It's too simple." "Besides, I still like it." "This morning, I ordered a marble turtle cheese board from the horchow collection." "Can I tell you something just awful?" "You know how people who are just assholes will sometimes look at a woman with problems..." "And say, "what she needs is a good shtupping"?" "There may be something to that." "Jeremy didn't keep up his end." "What difference does it make?" "Why do I feel elated?" "Am I in denial?" "You know what this feels like?" "I know my time's up, but I've got to get this out while I've got hold of it." " Take your time." " When I was in high school, the thing that I wanted most when I was stuck in class, the thing that I was always desperately in pursuit of, was a hall pass." "That's all I ever wanted." "I loved moving freely around the school..." "While everybody else was trapped in there." "That's how I feel right now, like I have some giant all-day hall pass." "My God." "Did it just get hot in here or what?" "I'll see you next time." "I'll probably be a basket case by then." "You can use the back if you like." ""There's no shame in getting a little therapy," right, doc?" "Hello, Mr. Follett." "Have a good session." "Henry." "Henry." "Hey, doc!" "Hey, doc." "Thanks, Jennifer." "I'll take him from here." "Come on." "I'm glad you came." "I've never brought anyone down here before." "I'm honored." "It's just me, dino." "Skip, I've got a problem, and I need some advice." "You want my advice?" "Far out." "I hope nothing you're about to see will shake your faith in me." "Pretty creepy, huh?" "Are you totally disgusted?" "Skip, you're a visionary." "That can be a burden." "This doesn't seem a little perverse?" "There are a lot of lonely people in the world." "Somebody's gonna figure this out someday." "I'm really not comfortable here." "Can we go somewhere more private?" "It's not gonna be me." "I'm givin' it up." " Really?" "Skip, you are so amazing." "It's all your fault." "In the last 48 hours, I've completely lost interest." "What did I do?" "Lily." "Lily?" "Skip, that's great." "You and Lily?" " Far out." " Oh, she doesn't know about it yet." "Right now, of the two of us, I'm the only one in love, but I'm really stoked." "Doc, how can I be of help to you?" "Sorry." " Wow." "" " I'm here for you, doc." " Skip." "You know that it's improper, completely unethical, for a licensed psychologist to carry on a romantic relationship with one of his patients?" "I guess that makes sense." "Yes." "Yes, it does." "You've fallen in love with one of your patients?" "Doc, it's not me, is it?" "What?" "No, Skip." "It's not you." "But I like you a lot." "Doc, what about this?" "You're not really a licensed psychologist." "Hmm." "I guess that doesn't help." "I see where you're going here." "It's a mess." "Yep." "Don't you find it incredibly convenient that everyone who could possibly..." "Corroborate his story has recently died some exotic death?" " Well, they're neither all recent nor exotic." " But they certainly are dead." "And, yes." "Personally, I find it a bit odd." "But it could happen." "And what about his state certification exams?" " The records seem to be in order." "What's easier than hacking into a state computer and typing in some numbers?" "For all you know, he didn't even take the exams." "You know, that's true, Ernest." "Well, I don't know that it's all that easy to hack your way... doctor, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you..." "Have bought this guy's story..." "hook, line and bull twaddle." "You do seem much more disposed to him than I understand." "Ernest, did I miss something?" "Oh, for God's sakes, Phyllis!" "We have no reason to doubt this man!" "What?" "Are we listening to Lionel now?" "Phyllis?" "Phyllis." "Phyllis." "No." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to shout." "Oh, no, no." "Phyllis." "I... it is I, I who am sorry, Dr. delbanco." "I am sorry to have wasted your time..." "Just..." "With such..." "Phyllis." " Excuse me, miss." "Can I have some sweetener?" "Sure." "Thanks." "Stop it." "He is a kid." "I am old enough to be his..." "Will there be anything else?" " His big sister." "Dr. Mumford." "Please, come on in." "Hello, Mr. Crisp." "Uh, I was wondering if Sofie was around." "The wood is different here." "It's... it's not as, uh, consistent as it is in some events, and sometimes a guy gets... were you supposed to have a session?" "No, it's sort of spur of the moment." "Ah." "Look who's here." "Uh, now, you've met Sofie's mother." "Mrs. Crisp." " We've met." " Yes." "And this is our son Ben." "It's a real honor, doctor." "Have a seat." "Uh, well, actually, I can't, really." "Do you think I could see Sofie?" "Oh, I insist." "I've been wanting to meet you." " Sofie's not here." " Her friend from the city came and took her out to dinner." " First time in a long time she's been willing." " A friend?" "We owe it to you." "She has perked up a lot since you've started treating her." "What did you want?" " There's just something I think we need to talk about." " What?" " Elizabeth." " I think we have a right." " We certainly do not." " Keep it zipped, Ben." "Is there something that we need to know, doctor?" "Well, yes, I guess I should tell you." "I don't think I'm going to be able to treat Sofie anymore." "Finally, some common sense." " What do you mean?" " I think you know what I mean." " No, I really don't." " I think you do." " Why don't you tell me?" " Why don't you go to hell?" " It's all a bunch of nonsense, and you know it." " I'm telling you to stop this." "You're telling me?" "That's rich." " I'd better go." " Why can't you see Sofie?" "I know the treatments are working." " You see, the problem is..." " The problem is, you're a big fake." "You haven't got a clue what's wrong with that girl." "Wow." "You're something." "Take a hike, Dr. quack." "Doctor, what is the problem?" "Problem?" "Uh, I guess there is no problem." "Uh, this friend of Sofie's..." "where did he take her?" "No, it's a she." "Roxy." "She used to work with her." "I think they went over to lantern." "Oh, roxy." "Excellent." "Roxy." "Hi there." "Is Mr. Follett around?" " What is it?" " It's a thought I had." "Should I open it now?" "Let me just say something here." "I have no idea if this is gonna help." "Well, what exactly is it supposed to do?" "There's some kind of imagery that's haunting you and, I think, getting in your way." " Which I don't necessarily agree." " But you did come to me." "My guess is these images were burned into your brain when you were young." "If we could nail down the exact fantasies that are haunting you, maybe you could get past them." "Anyway, I thought we could try an experiment." "And the experiment's in here?" "Yep." "You know what?" "I think this was a dumb idea." "I just..." "I just heard myself talking, and I realized I'm completely unqualified to be doing this." "Let's just forget the whole thing." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What are you doin'?" "I want to know what's in here." "There's absolutely no reason..." "For me to think this is gonna have any impact on you, and I'm embarrassed to have... hey, hey, hey!" "Now, I agree with you that you don't know what you're talkin' about." "That's what I've been saying all along." "And I can guarantee..." "That lookin' at the lost ark or whatever you got in here is not gonna mean diddly to me." "But if you think I'm gonna let you walk out of here without seein' what's in this box, then you don't know much about Henry a." "Follett." " Mr. Follett?" " What?" "What... what the hell is so important I can't have five minutes?" "It's her, sir." "You told me to get you when she came to pick up her prescription." "Um..." "Um, I'm sorry." "I'm gonna have to, um..." "I really appreciate what..." "what you're tryin' to..." "I can't thank you enough for... my pleasure." "I'll see you on, uh, um... uh, whatever." "Hello, Henry." "Hello, Mrs. Brockett." "Oh, please." "Althea." "Let me explain something about your prescription." "Oh." "Uh..." "When I was in high school, we used to come up here and make out." "I liked to watch the sun go down." "That's what I like." "Which thing?" "Either one." "Why did you come to the house the other night?" "I thought I had something to tell you, but it turned out I didn't." "My brother said you were about to fire me." "That's one way to put it." "I bet I know what changed your mind:" "My mother." "She's so horrible, you decided you couldn't desert me." "She made me really appreciate your father." "He's my new hero." "He was, actually..." "you know, a hero." "My dad, when he was in the coast guard... he risked himself..." "To save the lives of three people." "I know why you were gonna quit seeing me." "You feel like a fake, an impostor, as if maybe you don't know what you're doing." "Everybody feels that way sometimes, like we're not who we're supposed to be." "But I have to tell you, Dr. Mumford, you have been a tremendous help to me." "Yeah?" "I can't tell you how much I admire you." "You have a wonderful way with people, and you're very insightful." "I feel like you've seen me clearly." "I never used to admit what a horrible person my mother was." "You've made that possible for me." "That's good?" "Yes!" "And my ex-husband." "He never accepted me for who I was, just like my mother." "And the things that you have said have helped me understand what a dick he is." "I don't know if... you're shockingly honest." "That's what makes you great." "I've never had a man treat me this way." "With you, I feel really listened to." "Can I tell you something?" "It's a little embarrassing, but I feel very unguarded with you." "Of course." "Thanks to this therapy, I now know what I am looking for." "I need to find a man like you." "Not one who's treating me, of course." "And I'm gonna do it, damn it." "You have given me the confidence." "Sofie, that..." "that makes me very happy." "I mean, doc, the dude is seriously deluded." "I said that to him." "I said," ""if you think I'm gonna do all that shit for you, man, you are seriously deluded."" " What did he say?" " He said, "which we already knew."" "What did he want you to do?" "Well, first off, he tells me to stop smoking cigarettes." "I told him "abso-fuckin'- lutely no," as you can see." "Then he says, "stop smoking dope." No again." "Then he says he doesn't want me getting together with any other guys." "What balls on this guy." "What are we?" "Going steady?" "Jesus." "No again?" "I said I'd consider it." "And the last thing was insane." "I don't know what's wrong with him." " He wants me to give up magazines." " Really?" "I don't know if I can quit." "We're gonna try it together, like, you know, a." "A. Or something." "And I made him give up his.22." "No more sneaking around the hills with this fucking nut gun like some loony tune." "He agreed?" "He's pitiful, doc." "A goddamn puppy." "I don't know how much longer I can put up with it." "I've already got two arms and legs." "I don't need another appendage." "Oop." "Gotta go." " Hiya, doc." " Martin." " Did you straighten her out?" " How are ya?" "Extremely excellent." "Didn't you hear?" "My family just got 500 times better." "Let's go, Venessa." " Dr. Mumford?" " I didn't notice you there." "Can I help you?" "My name's Gilroy." "I'm from the state certification board." "It's all right." "It won't bite you." "Under civil code 1294.67b, you're entitled to be notified that your status and certification..." "Are being reviewed." " You want to come in?" " No, thanks." "Plenty of time for that when we're a little further along." "Mr. Gilroy?" "What brought this on?" "I'm not at liberty to say." "Sometimes it's just routine." "Sometimes there's been a complaint." "We'll be in touch." "And then when you said at lunch about everybody..." "Having a secret life, well, something just snapped inside me, and I knew I could no longer continue my relationship with Dr. sheeler." "It was tearing me up inside, and... and I know Phyllis wasn't getting what she needed from it." "What had started as a genuine respect, I think, for each other's professional abilities and became over time..." "A personal attraction, had somehow..." "Migrated into a rather torrid sexual relationship that..." "I won't get into that today." "Although, if we should continue these sessions... and I certainly hope we will... there are some aspects of that that I would like to look at." "I mean, God knows I've listened to enough people giving me the juicy... at any rate, I wanted to acknowledge the catalyzing effect..." "That your comment had on me." "I just hope it doesn't come rolling back upon you..." "Like some dreadful undertow." "How do you mean?" "Well, you see, when I broke it off with Phyllis, she was naturally upset, and she became more determined than ever to pursue certain... uh, how to put it..." "doubts... she's been harboring." " What kind of doubts?" " About you." "Your background." "Your qualifications." "I'm afraid that Phyllis..." "Somehow got you mixed up, in her fury, with me..." "And actually took the whole issue to the state board." "I see." "There's good news, though." "What's that?" "Phyllis has decided to leave town..." "And pursue her practice in the city, which leaves you the only psychologist in town." "Dr. sheeler's leaving Mumford." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Well, as you can imagine, my own feelings about this are mixed, unlike, I must say, those of my wife." "Follett's pharmacy." "Do you have a prescription for me?" "You think that'll help?" "Uh, yeah." " I..." "I, um..." "Old man sutter's young bride had got me in hot water, all right." " And now I was being dealt the beating of my life." "If there'd just been two of those bastards, it would've been a little closer." "The landlady was good at quite a few things, but doctorin' wasn't one of 'em." "Lucky for me, one of the other boarders... a broad who lived downstairs in the front room... was a nurse." "And she had ways to make you feel better..." "They didn't teach in nursing school." "I'm very happy for you, Henry." "I feel like we're making real progress here." "Me too, doc." "And I can't tell you what that package meant to me." "Hi." "I need to talk to you, doctor." "Can I come in?" "Of course." "We haven't met in this office since that first time." "This is how a real professional and his client are supposed to see each other." "It might have been more appropriate..." "If we had followed a traditional approach to the doctor/patient relationship." "Is something wrong, Sofie?" "Yes, something is very wrong, Dr. Mumford." "You're upset." "How intuitive." "That must take years of training right there." "Maybe you can guess what has upset me?" "Is it something you've heard about me?" "No." "It is not something I've heard about you." "It's... what... is there something I should have heard about you?" "Why don't you tell me what's on your mind?" "May I?" "Sure." "All right." "I'm just gonna come right out and say this, because that's what your shrink is for, right?" "So you can tell 'em what's bothering you?" "Uh-huh." "First of all, I have been feeling much better lately." "I don't know if the syndrome is over, if it's just run its course or something, but I feel 100% better than when I first came to you." "I'm glad." "Given that, I am obviously..." "Not going to be judging things in the most realistic way." " I don't follow you." " I'm saying that since I am doing so much better... which I attribute to you..." "I am liable to misinterpret some of my feelings." "Okay." "The point is this:" "I am not a blank page." "I did not just fall off the turnip truck." "Do you know what I mean?" "I think so." "I know a little about psychology." "I took three different courses in college." "It's true none of them were above the 200 level, but I took them." "And there was one concept I remember very well." " What was that?" " Transference." " Transference?" " Yes." "And that is what I have got right now." "I have taken my feelings of gratitude and relief and transferred them onto you." "I have taken all those warm, grateful emotions and confused them with feelings for you, so that now I am under the delusion that..." "I am in love with you." "Hello?" "Hello." "I think you can understand why I have some serious questions about your methods." "I mean, obviously it becomes much more likely that I am going to have confusion about this..." "When your idea of treatment is to go walking in the woods and up to make-out-ville..." "And do all these highly romantic activities." "We had a paper route together, for God's sake." "Do you understand how I might be a little resentful, knowing that this so-called love I am feeling..." "Is totally bogus and..." "Just a pathetic case of..." "Transference?" "Yes." "Maybe you oughta think about how you're gonna fix this." "And when you do, please get back to me." "Ainge." "Doc." " Lily." "Doc, I don't want you to be mad at Skip." "He told you?" "Skip and I wouldn't have gotten together if it weren't for you." "That's a big deal." "Oh, you would've met in some shower eventually." "I want to give you something." "Will you let me?" "Okay." "Here it is:" "Some advice." "Do the hard thing." "That's it?" "That's what you're giving me?" "Clean up the mess, no matter what it takes." "What it might take is doin' time." "Too bad." "That's tough." "I mean it." "I'm not unsympathetic, but Skip says you're in love." "Yeah." "Then it's worth it." "I'll tell her tonight." "Tonight, on unsolved mysteries." "Recently, a series of spectacular sightings had the entire state of Arizona..." "Buzzing about ufos and visitors from beyond." "The military said the strange lights were just flares." " But the eyewitnesses say it just isn't so." "Sharon Kinney was a woman who knew what she wanted, and what she wanted most was sex and money." "But would she kill for the big payoff?" "A drug rehabilitation center in the lonely southwestern desert..." "Run by reclusive monks becomes a point of departure in a mysterious vanishing, as an intrepid government investigator disappears..." "Without a trace." "Join me for these intriguing cases." "Perhaps you can solve one of tonight's unsolved mysteries, implementing dangerous undercover operations..." "In the vast and secret machinery of the internal revenue service." "stand by." "Treasury department!" "Open up!" "But perhaps the pressure was too great." "Despite brilliant promise as a fearless investigator, he found himself on a downward spiral of drug abuse..." "And disillusion." "We didn't talk much after our folks died, but I know he felt his life had taken a wrong turn." "I got the feelin' he fell in with a bad crowd." "His former undercover partner at the I.R.S..." "Is now a trooper with the Pennsylvania state police." "The guy was obsessed, didn't always know where to draw the line, but I would've trusted him with my wife... my life." "What did I say?" "Both, actually." "I can't say I was surprised, though, when he disappeared." "Who was this enigma?" "A courageous public servant or a debauched addict?" "Either way, his last known stop was here, isolated in the Arizona desert, taken in by an order of devoted monks." "We don't talk about people who've been our guests, but I can tell you this..." "About our order:" "We believe everybody has the right to start over." "Everybody deserves a second chance." "And perhaps that is exactly the chance the now sober pilgrim took..." "On a blustery November day, walking away from the rehab center, never to be heard from again." "I'd like to know if he's alive." "If he is, I just hope he's happy..." "And his new life is... well, I hope he's found what he was looking for." "If you have any information about this man..." "Or know anything about his whereabouts, contact your local law enforcement agency..." "Or the sheriff's department in cochise county, Arizona." "Well." "Look who's here." "Good evening, Mrs. Crisp." "Just who is here?" "Can you tell me?" "Could I see Sofie, please?" "No." "You cannot." "I wouldn't know who to say is calling." "Mother." "I could see right through you from the start, you impostor." "I know what you're after." "I knew it then, and I know it now." "Mother." "What do you think I'm after, Mrs. Crisp?" "Sofie." "It's so obvious." "You're after my daughter." "I gotta say, Mrs. Crisp, you're right about that." "It'll never happen." "You're in big trouble, mister." "Mother." "Go away." "I guess you saw the show." "Which show was that?" "Sofie." "Part of it." "We were watching E.R. until someone called." "You probably got the idea." "Do you know what a betrayal this is?" "Yes." "How violated I feel?" "Yes." "You're not the only one." "Oh, you feel violated?" "Not me." "All my other patients." "I smelled tar and feathers on the way over here." "You deserve it." "You're right." "I should be irate." "I am irate." "But?" "But nothing." "I'm mad as hell." "This is a terrible thing you've done." "I know it." "Please believe me." "I know that." "There's just one thing I want you to consider before you write me off." "What?" "Will you think about it?" "I don't know." "It depends." "I'm in a bad mood." "I love you..." "More than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my life." "Oh." "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, my real life." "But I don't know if you feel the same way." "I sort of do." "But first you have to tell me something." "Anything." "Just ask." "What is your name?" "The defendant will rise." "Sit down, Lionel." "Do you understand how serious are the crimes with which you have been charged?" " I do." " Do you realize how insidious it is..." "To invade the most private thoughts..." "And secret lives of unsuspecting people?" "People who have come to you with the faith..." "That you know what you're doing and that you are who you say you are." " Yes, your honor." " Many of your "patients"..." "Have come forward with praise for you..." "And your therapeutic skills." "That means absolutely nothing to me." "Do you understand that?" " Yes." " I am frustrated..." "That the criminal code in this state..." "Allows a maximum sentence of only six months." " Hmm." " And a maximum fine of only $2,000." " I'm sorry, your honor." " What?" " I'm sorry you're frustrated." " Are you disrespecting this court?" "No, ma'am." "I was empathizing." "Sorry." "Maybe you can empathize with this:" "Maximum fine." " Three months in jail." "Three months house arrest." "Sentence to begin immediately at the orchard valley correctional facility." "Case closed." "This court is adjourned." "It's a country club." "Don't worry about it." "Thanks so much for your help, Lionel." "Don't mention it." "Congratulations, doc." " Mr. Crisp." "I'll have him out in half the time." "I'm very impressed by all that you've done." "To me, it was never complicated." "I remember a case... a man was feuding with his neighbor about a barking dog." "You got off easy." "Will you wait for me?" "We're only talking about a matter of weeks." "Will you be here?" "I'll be here." "I haven't got the energy to get out of town that fast." "You'd better make yourself comfortable." "We got a three-hour drive here." "I'm fine." "You're the shrink, aren't you?" "No." "Not really." " But you do therapy." " Not anymore." "But you've helped some people in this town." "I couldn't really say, but that's all over now." "I'll tell you, doc." "The wife and I... we got a little bit of a problem." "You mind if I just ran it by you?" "Go ahead."