"I think that would be excellent lawyering on your part." "What do you think about 90 cents on the dollar?" "Jack?" "90 cents on the dollar?" "I think that"s fair." "Let"s do this after lunch, okay?" "So, how long has it been?" "Seventeen years." "Hello." "Isuppose you"re married now?" "Eight years." "Four years to the first wife, three to the second wife and this one, a year so far." "How about you?" "I married soon after we broke up." "Really?" "Any kids?" "No...not for me." "And you?" "Yeah, I have a son, Scott." "He"s 16." "He"s yours." "is that a joke?" "No, he"s your son." "My son?" "I just never said anything because by the time I found out I was pregnant we had broken up and I was in love with Bob, my husband." "I married him and he thinks Scott is his." "How do you know he isn"t?" "Well, I know." "I know." "I did the math." "Not to demean your math skills, but we should do this the right way." "Blood test, DNA." "Why are you telling me now, after all this time, by the way?" "Scott ran away two weeks ago." "Bob...." "The husband?" "Scott and Bob had a terrible fight." "Bob kept saying he"d be back but it"s been two weeks and we haven"t...." "Do you have any idea where he went?" "No." "He ran away with a girl he was seeing, Nikki Trainor." "Her parents are divorced." "Her father lives in San Francisco." "He works in a towing service, Tip Top Towing." "Tip Top Towing?" "When we called, he wouldn"t speak to us." "He wouldn"t even speak to the police." "Do you have a picture?" "Of Scotty?" "You can see the resemblance, right?" "It"s the wrong expression." "When he smiles, he"s you." "Do you have a picture of him smiling?" "I"m sorry. I"d...." "I wish I could do something, anything." "You can find him." "Me?" "I don"t find people." "I sue them." """To whom it may concern:" """For years I"ve thought about killing myself." """lt"s the only thing that"s kept me going." """But something always held me back." """My writing. """ "Good-bye my life"s work." "Au revoir, æuvre." "Ciao, caca." "Two bullets should be enough." "Hello." "Who"s this?" "Collette." "Collette Richard?" "My God, how are you?" "Me?" "I"m not bad." "Tomorrow?" "You know, I made no plans." "It"s one face." "I have a son." "I"m okay." "Just tell me about Scotty." "When can I see him?" "Scott is missing." "My son is missing?" "We think he"s up here." "Here, in San Francisco?" "You live here, and are understanding" "Oh, psychic sometimes." "But you have a full plate." "I know I seem a little fuzzy but I can focus." "Let me try this." "I can do it." "My son needs me." "Don"t worry, Scotty." "Daddy"s coming." "Why didn"t someone call me before I left L.A.?" "Because we didn"t know." "My client showed up 20 minutes ago, then said his cast was too tight and he was in terrible pain." "Terrible pain." "lt"s true." "He"lI be okay tomorrow." "But I am here today." "I know. I"m sorry." "Rose will book you into a hotel." "Where do you want to stay?" "My house, but it"s in Los Angeles." "Hello." "Hi, honey." "What"s wrong?" "We had a little problem." "I have to stay over." "I"m sorry." "You"lI be okay?" "I"lI be fine. I"m taking care of stuff around the house." "I"lI call you later." "Okay, bye." "Let"s see." "Do you have a phone book?" "Hi, Scott." "I"m your dad." "Hi, Scotty." "Oh!" "Good, firm handshake." "Scotty, how you doing?" "Dude I"m your old man." "I suppose you"re wondering why your middle name is Rainbow." "What"s up, homes?" "You know, Scott, when I was a boy your age I was pulling on myself harder than a tractor-pull." "I"m your papa, your daddy, your père." "You got to care for me, you see." "I am your father." "Hug me and let us join our spirits." "Mr. Trainor?" "My name is Jack Lawrence." "So?" "I was hoping maybe you could help me with something." "Have you seen this boy?" "Christ, again." "Who are you?" "I"m his father." "Why are you bothering me?" "I talked to your wife." "No, she"s not my wife." "She is...." "That"s not even the point." "The point is, I don"t know anything." "So get lost." "When did you last see him?" "Look...." "l"m tired of this bullshit." "Just get out of here." "l"lI get it." "Give me that." "No, he"s in a meeting right now." "What"s wrong with you?" "Hello?" "He can"t speak right now." "He"s having trouble with his testicles." "I"lI tell him." "That was your mother, on the phone." "Come on." "You"lI be okay." "Sit down." "all right." "Okay." "Come on." "Everything"s going to be okay." "What were we talking about?" "Right, right, your daughter and my son." "They were here with other kids." "Good." "Good." "And...?" "And now they"re gone." "And where did they go?" "Nikki said something about trying to get money from my ex-wife." "And she would be...?" "The lady that runs the Marina in Tiberon." "What"s her name, Bosco?" "Shirley." "Shirley"s Marina." "ln Tiberon." "Thank you very, very much." "Excuse me, Mr. Trainor?" "That"s not me." "He"s in there." "Jesus." "Can I get a cab outside?" "Nice shot." "Mr. Trainor?" "I hope I"m not catching you at an inconvenient moment." "I won"t waste an extra minute of your time." "Have you seen this handsome boy?" "Who are you?" "Isn"t it obvious?" "I"m his father." "I understand he and your daughter are an item." "They grow up so fast, don"t they?" "One minute they"re going, ""Who"s the little boy?""" "And the next minute he"s banging your little girl." "May I sit down?" "Thank you." "So how many fathers does this kid have?" "I see." "No, the man you met is not the real father." "I"m the real father." "It"s a long story." "Seventeen years ago, we were biking through the wine" "His mother and I were biking through the wine country." "Please, you answer the phone." "I"lI finish my story later." "What?" "Get out of here!" "What"s that all about?" "Get out of here!" "My God!" "That man is insane!" "He bludgeoned me for no reason!" "He"s a bad guy." "You"re okay?" "I don"t know." "is there blood?" "Good." "I was telling him a story about me and a girl biking through the wine" "Those stories aren"t for everybody." "I guess not." "I have to talk to him." "I"m trying to find my son." "Your son?" "He ran away." "Your son ran away?" "So did mine." "How richly bizarre." "They could be together." "You think so?" "He said there"s a group of them." "Dale Putley." "Jack Lawrence." "Do you know where Tiberon is?" "Dale, I feel like I"m in a white Bronco." "I"m sorry, ljust get anxious driving over bridges." "You"re going 11 miles an hour." "l"m going 25 miles an hour." "I can feel the G-force." "What?" "What?" "Calm down." "l"m okay. lt"s just all these people." "I don"t like a lot of people or a lot of cars." "What do you do for living?" "I teach English as a third language at the Jewish Community Center." "Excuse me!" "I"m really sort of a writer at large." "I write and perform poetry and plays." "Things from my soul." "But it"s avant-garde." "Very experimental." "You mean with guinea pigs and...?" "You"re not a mime, are you?" "I used to be." "You did?" "Well, I"m sorry." "For what?" "Nothing." "No, no, tell me. lt"s okay." "I can...." "I hate them." "I see a mime on the street, I want to kick him in the face." "Really?" "I do." "You should talk to someone about it." "They"re annoying." "Really?" "I go out shopping, he"s got a balloon." "What do you do?" "I just want to smack him." "What do I do?" "I"m a lawyer." "Bloodsucker." "I"m sorry, I didn"t hear you." "Throat." "Sorry." "You missed the exit." "I what?" "all of this pithy conversation and we missed the exit." "You"re gonna have to go off and come back around." "What"re you doing?" "What was that?" "l"m sorry." "I turn around and you blacked out!" "In crisis situations, I have these anxiety attacks." "I hyperventilate and pass out for a moment." "I"m sorry, Jack." "I"m back." "Have you been driving long?" "About 30 years." "These things take time." "pull in here." "Brake, brake, brake." "Perfect." "Anchovies." "I gave you the shrimp and here are worms." "Have a good time." "Catch some fish." "Mrs. Trainor?" "My name is Jack Lawrence." "Can I talk to you for a moment?" "Listen, Pepe, don"t start on that until I get over there." "I"m Dale Putley." "Fine." "What do you want?" "It"s about Nikki." "Your ex-husband told us to talk to you." "What"d she do now?" "We"re not looking for Nikki, we"re trying to find our two boys." "We think they"re in your daughter"s social circle." "Listen, I don"t know where Nikki is." "Frankly I don"t want to know." "How"d you get her husband to talk?" "I head-butted him in the face." "How Joe Pesci of you." "You"lI run her tits through the visa machine?" "Hey, listen." "How about crying again?" "Me?" "It might reach her maternal...thing." "Cry, just like that?" "You cried missing the exit." "Don"t mock me." "Listen, Chip." "You"re an actor." "Let"s pretend it"s a play." "A very sad play." "A tragic play." "You"re a tragic hero." "You"re Lou Gehrig." "Who"s that?" "Lou Gehrig." "The baseball player." "He died of Lou Gehrig"s disease." "What are the odds on that?" "Here"s what I need:" "I need tears, and quickly." "She will come back." "I"lI try." "Do it." "Must find something from my past." "Go ahead." "In the actor"s studio, they call it sense memory." "Come on." "That"s fantastic." "That"s great." "What are you doing?" "l"m okay." "What are you doing?" "I"m at my grandmother"s funeral." "Sorry I wasn"t there." "It was great." "Cut it out." "She"s here." "Why are you still here?" "What"s wrong with him?" "He"s upset." "He"s distraught." "is he crying?" "Crying?" "He"s weeping." "Why?" "Why?" "It"s his son." "His son is his whole life." "We come here, looking for help and you crush his last hope of ever finding him again." "My boy!" "My boy!" "I don"t know." "You"re ripping his heart out." "My daughter could get into trouble." "We"lI keep it private." "In the family." "From one parent to another." "To another." "They"re probably with Sugar Ray." "The boxer?" "It"s a rock band." "Nikki and some other kids travel following them around." "Are they playing in San Francisco?" "Where are they playing?" "They were." "Nikki came over a few days ago and said she was going to Sacramento." "They"re playing at a club called the Temple." "The Temple?" "In Sacramento." "Sugar Ray." "Thank you very, very much." "You"re welcome." "If you see Nikki tell her to call me if she needs anything." "I want to share with you a line from one of my unproduced plays." """The amazing thing about a parent"s love is that something so large..." """...can so often go unseen.""" "That"s beautiful." "Thank you." "What do your sons look like?" "If they were with Nikki I probably met them." "Do you have a photo?" "I do." "I have a picture." "I did." "There he is." "He"s handsome." "This is mine." "What is this, a joke?" "That bitch!" "Guess who?" "That"s right." "Guess where I am." "No, I"m in San Francisco." "And guess who I"m with." "Oh, God." "I"lI give you a hint." "Don"t do that!" "She got it in a second." "What the hell"s going on?" "How could you tell us both the same story?" "I"m so hurt!" "It"s not a story." "Who is the father?" "is it me, Bob or Dale?" "The truth is, I don"t know." "I knew all three of you then." "Any of you could be." "Please, just find him." "Find him and we can settle it later." "That really helps." "What"d she say?" "She said she"s not sure." "You don"t know who Scott"s father is?" "When did you meet her?" "At a baseball game." "You?" "Up here at Berkeley." "Oh, Collette...." "That accent." "The mouth." "She was just so...." "Stimulating." "First date I just stared at her the whole night, she was so stunning in the moon light." "I didn"t even touch her." "I took nude photographs of her." "She posed nude for you?" "It was photography class." "Sextra credit." "all she ever did for me was have sex." "We did that too, but I"ve got some negatives." "It was Berkeley, you know." "I took nude pictures of her, she took nude pictures of me." "Her roommate took nude pictures of both of us." "I took nude pictures of them wrestling on a Slip-and-Slide, coming at me like...." "Enjoy." "Francine excuse me, but this has cheese on it." "It"s better with cheese." "I"m not conducting a poll." "You see, I can"t digest this." "Cheese is no longer my friend." "If I eat this, it will be bad for me and everybody else on this side of the room." "Could you give me another one?" "Could you take this one and wrap them both to go?" "And the check." "Nothing would give me greater pleasure." "Thank you." "Where am I going?" "Sacramento, where our son is." "You don"t understand." "We don"t know what"s going on." "She"s telling us different stories." "We don"t know who the real father is." "We won"t know unless we go there and find out for ourselves." "Thank you." "What"s the matter?" "will you do me a favor?" "Look back and see if there"s a dead body in the road." "What?" "Please." "Nothing"s there." "There"s not a body lying in the road?" "A body." "No, nothing there." "Oh, good." "I often think I"ve run someone over." "I hope he"s here." "Don"t worry." "Let me be your guide." "I know this world." "Thanks." "Excuse me." "Let"s split up." "No, don"t!" "You go that way, I"lI go this way." "Ask if they"ve seen Scott." "Ask if I"ve seen Scott." "Go ahead." "Excuse me, have you seen this boy?" "Have you seen this boy?" "No." "My God!" "You all right?" "No, I"m not all right!" "will you get it off?" "It was an accident. I"m sorry." "Have you seen a young man named Scott?" "He"s my son!" "Perfect." "Have you seen this boy?" "Thank you." "You want him?" "Stop it." "That"s him!" "That"s Scott!" "This is a family show!" "My boy!" "Get the gate!" "Turn around." "Mr. Huge, we must get back to that boy." "Turn around!" "Private area!" "Let"s make it a semiprivate area." "l"lI hurt you, old man." "Old man?" "Old man." "Let me tell you...." "What?" "Let"s go." "What?" "Let"s go." "Come on." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Everything"s all right. I"m here. lt"s okay." "It"s not him." "Who"s this?" "I don"t know." "He"s over here!" "call your father." "Come on!" "is he okay?" "We"ve got to get him up." "He"s out cold." "Boy, this guy"s in good shape." "That girl"s not for you." "She"s for everybody else." "At least we know he ate." "Get him out of here." "He"lI catch pneumonia." "No, he"s okay, Collette." "No, I promise." "I"lI tell you all about it when I see you, but...." "What we"re going to do is we"re going to bring him back to the hotel in San Francisco tonight." "And then we"lI bring him home tomorrow." "And then listen to me, we have to work this thing out." "You"re welcome." "I"lI tell him." "She was happy?" "She was happy and relieved." "It"s funny, the first time I got drunk was over a girl." "My first suicide attempt was over a girl." "Are you joking?" "You really...?" "I used to be somewhat unstable." "What happened?" "It was high school." "We were doing The King and I." "My drama teacher Miss Manero stayed late once to show me the dance the King does with Anna." """shall we dance?" """One, two, three.""" "She taught me the dance then showed me a part that was cut from the original." "You made it with your high school teacher?" "Yeah." "You know, I"ve got to tell you I don"t know what you have to be depressed about." "You take nude pictures of girls." "You hump your faculty." "Your life is something I"d be ashamed to rent." "But she dumped me." "Look, these things happen." "ls there...?" "There"s nobody there." "Thank you." "Can you take a plane in the morning?" "No, that"d be too late." "I"m his father." "I want to be there when he wakes up." "If I drive straight through I can just make it." "Are you still angry at me?" "Actually, I"m angry at myself." "I should"ve been the one to go after him at the first place." "I wanted to give him a chance to come home on his own." "And he didn"t." "I love him and want him to know it." "I should go." "For the road." "Thanks." "When you see..." "Jack and Dale, tell them how sorry and ashamed I feel." "I didn"t think I"d see Scotty again." "I"m sorry you couldn"t count on me." "Good evening." "How are you, André?" "Fine." "I got him. lt"s okay, I got him." "Wait, wait." "Can we get...?" "May I help you?" "We"re fine." "Sure?" "Absolutely." "Little man had a big day." "Good evening." "Anything we can help you with?" "Would you send the valet to my room." "Right away." "Here we go." "Good evening." "After you." "We"lI take the next one." "He"s a mess." "Oh, my God." "What, fungus?" "Look at his toes." "Look at his toes." "What am I missing?" "Notice how the big one bends that way and the little one tucks underneath?" "You"re easily entertained." "Really?" "Entertain this." "What?" "See?" "It"s a match." "We have the same toes." "Millions of people have toes like that." "Really?" "Do you?" "Let"s see." "Take your shoes and socks off." "No, I won"t." "Take them off." "Get away." "Let"s see what you got." "What"re you doing?" "Take them off." "Get off me!" "Let me see them!" "I will sue you!" "Uncle!" "Uncle!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Don"t!" "I"m really sorry." "You don"t match." "No match." "You lose. I"m the father." "Means nothing." "That"s not proof." "Oh, toe-boy." "Check this out." "What?" "The whirl." "The whirl?" "The boy has a whirl." "Just like I have." "See?" "That"s a whirl." "This is a curl." "That"s a whirl." "Do you have a whirl?" "No." "No whirl." "You are whirl-less." "Thank you very much." "I go to a hairdresser, get a whirl." "Really?" "I would tell José maybe to add some more hair, okay?" "Let me ask you something, whirly." "Okay, but nothing about sports." "When did Collette call you?" "When did she tell you about him?" "Tuesday." "Oh, too bad." "I"m the father." "You lose." "But we have lovely parting gifts." "You get all that from ""Tuesday""?" "How?" "Because she saw me on Monday." "So?" "I wasn"t very cooperative." "So then she came to you." "I cannot believe you did that with an unconscious child." "Get the phone." "Excuse me." "Jack." "Finally." "Where have you been?" "I was out." "I"ve been calling you all night." "I was afraid you"d been killed." "I"m absolutely fine." "I had something I had to do." "Where"ve you been?" "Some soap." "Who was that?" "No one." "No one?" "Actually, honey, it"s a friend." "I made a new friend." "Valet." "I"m hosing him down!" "What is that noise?" "The shower." "You two are showering?" "No, we"re not. I"m not in the shower." "He"s in the shower." "And you"re watching him?" "Someone called for a valet?" "Excuse me." "I knocked, but I guess you didn"t hear me." "He"s so slippery!" "I"lI come back." "Just a second." "The jacket is on the desk, I"lI give you the pants." "Honey, I must take off my pants." "Don"t call me honey." "No, not you." "Honey, hold on." "No, I won"t." "is he okay?" "Pick up the phone!" "Pick up the phone, Jack!" "How"s everything at the house?" "Go, go." "He"s going to blow!" "What is...?" "What"s that noise?" "You are confusing me. I"m very tired." "Explain what"s going on there." "Listen, it"s very complicated." "He"s soaking wet!" "Get over here!" "Dry his toes!" "Honey, I have to go!" "I must towel-off the boy." "What boy?" "Bye." "That went well." "There you go." "Did you have to talk all the time?" "I was in there all alone!" "Why can"t you respect my privacy?" "I"m trying to clean up our boy!" "He"s weeping, now." "Now he"s weeping." "This is great." "Why"d we put him in the shower?" "You just could"ve wept on him." "God!" "Fifteen minutes till I take this deposition." "Where is he with my suit?" "Look at this." "That"s money." "I remember that from when I was single." "It"s $5,000." "I found it in his pants pocket." "$5,000 in cash." "What"s he doing with $5,000 in cash?" "He stole it." "Why do you leap to the worst possible conclusion?" "Okay." "He won it in a hair-whirI contest." "That"s my suit." "Here"s your suit." "Here." "Wait." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I didn"t see a thing." "Get out of here." "You took $20 of his money." "Just $20." "l"lI keep track of that." "So you owe him $20." "Jack owes $20." "He"s getting up." "Good morning." "Who are you?" "I"m Dale Putley." "I"m Jack Lawrence." "We"re friends of your mother." "Where am I?" "San Francisco." "Mark Hopkins Hotel." "beautiful day out there." "You had a big night last night." "Where"s Nikki?" "I don"t know." "Sacramento." "I wouldn"t worry about her." "What"d you do with my my clothes?" "You were very sick and...." "Don"t be scared." "I want to get my clothes and go." "Calm down." "Can"t keep me here!" "It"s illegal!" "Take it easy." "tell him." "I guess so." "What?" "Sit down." "Please." "Got a surprise for you." "Come on." "Have a seat." "Do you mind if I tell it?" "Fine." "Seventeen years ago, your mother and I were pedaling through the wine country." "It began to rain. lt was more of a mist." "It was so romantic." "I don"t have time for the wine country saga now." "Fine." "What I"m about to say may sound a little bit" "Bizarre." "Unusual." "That too." "Unbelievable, actually." "This is the truth as best that we know it." "One of us...." "Either one." "Either one." "Whatever." "Sorry." "One of us might be your father." "I know, it sounds crazy to us too, but you see" "Seventeen years ago, we both...." "Your mother." "And...." "There"s a debate as to who your" "Father is." "lt"s the truth." "This is bullshit." "It"s true." "call your mother." "She"lI tell you." "She called both of us." "Your car is here." "I must go." "Now?" "I have a deposition in 15 minutes." "What can we do?" "About what?" "About what?" "How about the fact I"m leaving him alone with you?" "Why don"t you do the old head butt?" "He"lI be sprawled on the floor when you come back." "will you be okay with him if I leave?" "I"m more capable than you think." "Where"s my money?" "I got it." "Give me my money!" "That"s my money!" "I want it right now!" "Back off or I"lI call the cops!" "Let"s just take it easy." "Sorry." "Calm down." "Come here." "Give me the money." "Give it." "I disagree with your approach." "Here"s the money." "We"re going to put it right here, for safekeeping." "Just a little while." "I have to go out, and when I come back we"lI talk about this and get to know each other." "Order from room service." "It"s on me." "That"s a biggie." "Oh, boy." "Good morning." "beautiful day, ain"t it?" "Oh, yeah." "Perfect so far." "He"s out with the truck." "When he gets back we"lI get your car." "I must call my wife." "Got any men"s room?" "We use a port-a-potty. lt"s out back." "Everything okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Help!" "Oh, my God!" "Help!" "This is not good." "You okay?" "No, it"s horrible!" "lt was an accident!" "I don"t care!" "I"lI get help!" "Then I wrote my medical musical comedy:" """Hello, Doctor lt"s still Swollen.""" "Catchy?" "It had a great opening number called ""Hindsight""." "The audience was out there and:" """Hello, Mr. Colon...." """My prostate"s swollen." """I think that things are flowing not so well.""" "Breakfast." """l"m feeling heinous, something"s in my--""" "Good morning." "Here"s your breakfast." "Oh, yes, indeed." "Yum-yum." "There you go." "What"s here?" "Belgian waffles, from Brussels." "Granola, nature"s broom." "Fifteen percent, but I"m not paying so, $20 tip." "Very good, sir." "Enjoy." "Look!" "Come on." "I saw that." "Mr. Dimples, he"s trying to make an appearance." """Gray skies are going to clear up." "Sit on a happy face.""" "That"s how my mother sang it." "But that"s another story and a lot of therapy." "Actually, I am pretty hungry." "Thanks for ordering breakfast." "You"re welcome." "You need it after last night." "You want some coffee?" "Thank you." "You"re a little gentleman." "You little shit, may you rot in hell!" "Woolite!" "Sorry." "It"s okay." "I"lI stand, you go." "Fine." "Sorry." "Good afternoon." "Excuse me." "How are you?" "l"m fine." "Do you know anything about the man staying here?" "I was paid to keep my mouth shut, lady." "No, I"m his wife." "I don"t want to get in the middle." "What?" "The middle of what?" "If it"s any comfort, I"ve seen worse." "Help!" "l"m coming." "Oh, man, does that stink." "Get me out!" "It"s terrible in here!" "It"d been easier if you"d landed with the door on top." "Next time." "Don"t worry about it." "Got a winch right here and we"lI lift the whole thing up." "Hurry!" "I"m trying to help my son!" "My God, is he in there too?" "Bring him up!" "Looking real good!" "You okay?" "We"lI have you out in" "Oh, God!" "Mr. Barmore when you invested your client"s money in this car-wash restaurant" "Wax and Waffles." "What about it?" "Did you say your brother owned it and his last three businesses went bankrupt?" "Only one went bankrupt." "Excuse me, two were acts of God." "Acts of God." "That would be the fire and the enormous gas explosion both occurring in the night?" "The fact that they occurred in the night is coincidence." "The Lord works in mysterious ways." "The sarcasm isn"t necessary." "I"m sorry but there"s someone here who says he must see Mr. Lawrence." "Who is it?" "I don"t know, but he looks strange and he"s...." "Weeping?" "That is for me." "Excuse me a second." "all right, let"s take a break." "You"re doing great." "What happened?" "He poured hot coffee all over my penis took my clothes and ran away." "Don"t cry." "Where is he?" "I don"t know." "I don"t like you." "Don"t...." "Hi, is Jack Lawrence there?" "I believe he"s taking a deposition." "This is his wife." "Get me a cab, please." "What?" "Reno?" "What do you mean?" "Why is he going to Reno?" "Do you have his flight information?" "A rock festival in Reno. I"m psyched." "It"s awesome." "Shouldn"t we call Collette?" "And tell her we lost her son?" "My batteries are dead and I must call Carrie." "Use the pay phone." "I"lI be right over there." "I need to get a new shirt." "This one"s really...." "Can I have...$20?" "I"m not a mad terrorist, I"m his wife." "I want to see if he"s on the plane." "I"m sorry, it"s a strict FAA rule." "I can"t give that information." "all right then, Miss Tweesbury, I"lI buy a ticket." "You must do that downstairs." "Thanks a lot for your help." "Really appreciate it." "How will I make this flight that leaves in five minutes?" "My purse!" "Are you okay?" "l"m fine." "Are you okay?" "I"m okay." "Have we met?" "No, I don"t think so." "May I just say..." """...if springtime had a face, it"d be you.""" "That"s swell. I"m in a hurry." "Bless you." "It"s from one of my longer poems!" "It"s called, ""Cupid"s Shaft.""" "Dale, come on." "I had a vision." "Me too." "That"s a bad shirt." "You don"t like it?" "It"s fine, come on." "call your wife?" "Yeah, she"s not there." "Besides, what could I tell her?" "If he"s not my son, why bring it up?" "If he is my kid that"s not how I want to tell her." "Care about her a lot." "I can tell." "She"s great." "I love her." "She"s my favorite wife." "I don"t want to do anything to screw it up." "Why don"t you have children?" "The first two times I married, I wasn"t ready." "Then I thought I was ready, but I wasn"t married." "And now Carrie and I are married just a year, so it"s new." "I should tell you something." "What?" "I"m a reluctant flyer." "You can go right on board." "Are you a frequent flier?" "Because there"s a new mileage deal here?" "You can apply today and get a credit card and get a free mile with every dollar that you charge." "That"s a great deal." "Hold me." "That"s a very good deal." "Sir..." "...take a big sip of this." "Thank you, thank you." "Thank you very much." "Here"s some extra napkins." "It"s a miracle you didn"t get really hurt in that thing." "That went down like a" "I should call my wife." "Wait." "Let me get your ear." "You got something in there you don"t want in there." "You"lI be okay." "I thought we lost you." "I just had some stuff" "Have you seen Nikki?" "We"re crashed in 215." "She"s up there now?" "I really wanted to surprise her." "Can I borrow your key?" "all right." "Thanks." "Matt and Lee are looking for you." "They"re here?" "Yeah, in here." "I made it." "I thought maybe you went home or something." "What"s going on?" "What do you mean?" "I mean with you and Mark." "I don"t know." "Do you still like me?" "Yeah, Scott." "I got you something." "What is it?" "Open it." "Cool." "They"re real diamonds." "It"lI look nice on you." "Cost $4,700." "Let"s do it." "Please." "Come on." "Please." "Please." "Come on." "Back off." "I"m playing that one." "I got directions to the hotel where the band is staying." "It"lI take five minutes." "Hello!" "We"re looking for a kid, remember?" "Oh, yeah." "What is this outfit?" "I lent you $200 and you look like Howdy Doody." "What is this?" "It only cost $1 10." "Where"s my change?" "In one of these machines." "You put my money in these machines?" "Yeah." "Damn you!" "There"s got to be a blood bank open somewhere." "They give cash, don"t they?" "Let"s go." "Hello, Snot." "Surprised to see us?" "I think so." "I came here to look for you." "Oh, really?" "Listen, Scott...." "Where"s the stuff?" "Stuff?" "The stuff." "Look we gave you a simple job." "Any moron could do it, even Matt." "Even me." "In fact, if I"m not mistaken, you asked for the job." "So, where"s the stuff?" "The guy didn"t show up." "No, you see, he called and you didn"t show up." "I waited!" "I was supposed to stand right by" "all right." "You didn"t get the stuff." "Where"s the money?" "Our money!" "The $5,000, where is it?" "It"s in a safe." "A safe." "It"s at my hotel, by the airport." "I"lI get it." "Really?" "Do I have ""asshole"" tattooed on my forehead or something?" "No." "I think we all better go get it." "Like a date." "You"re not bullshitting us?" "If you are, I"lI kill you." "Get back here!" "Wait until I catch you!" "Get back here!" "Move!" "I see this a lot." "Rich kid running wild." "Probably has an expensive car." "There"s no discipline." "Bob gives him no control, no boundaries." "Now Bob has no kid." "I think it"s exactly the opposite." "The kid needs compassion, attention and a big hug." "You know what this kid needs?" "The kid needs a great big" "I hit someone!" "It"s not at alI like I imagined it." "It"s Scott!" "My arm!" "Are you okay?" "Please call 91 1 !" "Calm down." "You hit our son!" "lt was an accident!" "Shut up!" "Did you call the hotel in San Francisco?" "No, they must be driving back." "No, I"m sure he"s fine." "No, I"m all right." "No, I"m driving back right now." "No, I love you, honey." "He"s going to kill us." "You fix the tires?" "Yeah, well, we fixed the tires...." "But what?" "He cracked the axle when he towed the car back." "But don"t worry, we can fix it in a day or so, maybe." "The doctor says he"s fine." "A simple brake." "He gave him a prescription in case there"s pain." "He"s in there." "You can go in." "Thanks a lot." "It"s been a long day, you know?" "How are you feeling?" "Thanks!" "Come here." "l"m sorry." "You ran me over." "I know you both might be my father." "Leave me alone." "Was my mother a whore, or what?" "Watch your mouth." "Your mother was someone we cared about." "She cares about you." "Do you know how lucky you are?" "Maybe." "You know, you have no idea what my father"s like." "So tell us." "Nikki"s the first girl that I ever loved." "My father doesn"t care." "He wouldn"t let me see her anymore." "He says she"s bad news, a tramp." "He says he"s putting his foot down." "Blah, blah, blah." "He never lets me explain." "It"s like, for absolutely no reason, he"lI just take my car away." "You have a car?" "Scott, your father is Mr. Rogers." "Want to hear a father story?" "Here comes the lecture." "No lecture, just a story." "On my 10th birthday my father takes me to the circus." "What a great story." "On the way we drop my dog off at the vet." "We have fun at the circus." "I come home and say, ""Where"s Skippy?""" "And they go, ""We had to put him to sleep.""" "And I said, ""You mean, he"s dead?" """You killed my dog?""" "He said, ""He was sick that"s why we brought him to the vet.""" "And I said:" """Why"d you do it on my birthday?""" "And he said, ""lt was on the way.""" "What"s the point?" "What"s the point?" "The point...." "The point is that parents screw up sometimes." "They don"t mean it." "They make mistakes because they"re human beings." "Doesn"t mean they don"t love you." "Just means that they"re doing their best." "You know?" "I can"t eat anymore." "Don"t worry, I didn"t understand the story either." "What about the Rolling Stones?" "They"re old." "How about Zeppelin?" "They had a nice logo." "They were okay." "But Jimi Hendrix?" "Come on!" "He was good, but he"s dead." "True." "Speaking of bad music...." "No, you can"t do it." "This was my band." "You have your Sugar Ray." "Sly and the Family Stone was who I followed around." "feel that?" "Jack"s going to ""funk-a-fy.""" "Watch out!" "It"s Deney Terrio"s Attorney Dance Party." "Now, get down and depose!" "That"s the worst dancing." "Everyone I know dances like this." "You must wiggle when you listen to Sly." "You"re right." "Wait a minute." "I got my mojo." "There it is." "Oh, watch out, now." "Funky chicken!" "When I was in high school I had an Afro this big." "I don"t believe you." "I needed help lifting my head." "I once shaved my head and glued all the hair to my ass." "Why?" "Two special brownies and a quart of tequila." "So you two, you were like freaks." "Oh, yeah." "I was so stoned once, everyone sounded like Johnny Mathis." "When you"re young you do some things that you"re not that proud of." "We even got in a lot of trouble sometimes." "Truth is, I"m in a lot of trouble myself." "Does it have to do with $5,000?" "Scotty, we"re not here to judge." "Come on, tell us." "I stole that money." "From drug dealers." "What, are you nuts?" "Hey, what are you doing?" "Yelling like that doesn"t help." "Just relax." "Sorry." "Give it back." "I spent it." "You spent it!" "He spent the money from drug dealers!" "That"s not the way." "Breathe." "You said I could talk to you." "You can"t run from these guys." "They"lI find you." "They"lI come to your house, take all your money and beat you up." "Happened to me twice." "Listen...." "Let me talk to them." "I do this sort of thing a lot." "Why are you trying to help me?" "We"re your fathers." "Come on." "Let"s do this!" "Calling this guy, fat guy from Jersey." "Where are you going?" "Kick some ass." "There will be no ass-kicking." "Let"s go." "What"re you doing?" "Coming with you." "You"re not." "I am." "I don"t want you to." "They"re crazy." "I want you to get in the car." "Get in." "I need water, okay?" "l"lI get you some water." "The phone is right there." "call your mother." "tell her that you"re okay and that you"re coming home." "Thanks." "We"re going to kick some ass." "Get in the car." "Now!" "You ready?" "If this is going to work you must calm down." "It"s them." "Open the door!" "Scheming little...." "What"s going on?" "He"s gone." "ln what sense?" "He stole my rental car and he left." "I never felt so stupid." "You"ve never been a parent before." "This is too much trouble." "I can"t do this." "I have a life." "You"re not giving up." "Good luck." "I mean that. I"m sorry." "I must call my wife and tell her I"m coming home." "We"ve had a few setbacks, but we"re great together." "You"lI never know if he"s your son." "I don"t even care." "Yes, you do." "You care, yes, you do." "Stop it." "Machine again." "Why have a house if you don"t live in it?" "Hi, honey." "You"re there." "Let me explain everything." "Why don"t you go ahead?" "Hi." "I must go now, because you"re here." "Ignore that message when you"re home." "This is your wife?" "It"s you!" "You know him?" "He tried to pick me up." "When?" "This morning." "I didn"t." "You were with me." "You were on the phone." "So you picked up my wife?" "I didn"t know she was your wife." "She was a sexy woman." "Watch that." "This is your friend?" "Your shower buddy?" "No, we never showered together." "The boy and I were in the shower." "He soaped him up." "And hosed him off." "I watched." "That"s all." "What boy?" "Seventeen years ago" "Would you stop?" "Can I just have a private moment with my wife?" "Sorry." "Come here." "This whole thing is about a boy that I might be the father of." "There"s a cab." "Taxi!" "Sorry if I"ve ruined your life." "You haven"t." "He wanted to come home, but I kept pushing him-- lt"s okay." "Don"t worry." "But it"s not his fault." "Really." "Thanks." "Take it easy." "Bye." "I"lI just be a second." "Even if you find him again, he"lI only spit in your face." "Maybe." "How"s that going to make you feel?" "You"re very successful." "So?" "Your wife, your success, they fill up areas." "What I"m trying to say is I need this kid." "If he doesn"t want me around let him turn me down." "Good luck, Dale." "Thanks, Jack." "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "My car is there, so I"lI follow you." "We can work it out." "You can"t be mad that I had sex with this woman 17 years ago." "You were 14 years old." "Do you have a picture?" "Of her?" "Of the boy, Jack." "He"s handsome." "I guess, but this kid is a major pain in the ass." "He"s so damn annoying." "You don"t like anything annoying." "Who does?" "That"s a really special thing for you." "Give me a break. I"ve had a hard day." "You"ve had a hard day." "Why should I give you a break?" "I don"t want to talk about it again." "We"ve never had this talk." "No, we haven"t, but I have had this conversation." "The ""Wives of Christmas Past"" talk." "Leave Penelope and Tallulah out of this." "Iris and Debbie." "Whatever." "Why are you so upset?" "Because I want to have kids with you someday." "What if this was our son?" "Would you give up on him because he was annoying?" "His own father gave up on him." "That"s the guy who raised him." "all I am is the guy who slept with his mother." "The other guy who slept with his mother is out looking for him." "Dale is a desperate person with an empty life." "He"s not happy like me." "Badge." "Badge?" "You don"t understand." "I belong back there." "I have to get back there." "Do you know who you"re talking to?" "Do you know who I am?" "Dale Putley." "And who are you?" "I"m Bob." "If you don"t let me back there heads will roll and it"lI be yours." "Not without a badge." "Know who I am?" "The cowboy with The Village People!" "If I don"t get back there, there"lI be ""Y, M..." "A! """ "So let me back there!" "Right now!" "Not without a badge." "A badge." "I need a badge." "Let"s get in there, okay?" "Here"s my badge, Bob!" "Guys, listen." "The Muffs are off in ten minutes." "We should be setting up in about five, all right?" "That"s the band." "Follow me." "What"lI we do?" "Hello." "Excuse me." "Can I help you?" "Excuse me." "That"s very funny." "And I love when it"s funny." "Stu Gold, from the agency." "Say ""hi"" to the biggest record producer on this side of the lake." "This is Gunther Über Allen from Deutsche Bebop." "Biggest record producer in Europe." "Say ""hi"" to the guys." "This is Sugar Ray." "Der Wunderkinder." "I think we met before." "Düsseldorf, maybe." "How are you?" "Hi, how are you?" "Give me high five." "That"s how it starts." "I love you." "Who does this guy record?" "Biggest producer in Germany." "Records...." "Their Cars." "Big Hairy Women." "Yeah, in America, Boys To Women." "I"ve heard of them." "If I have you, we could take Europe." "We could take Europe in what?" "One month." "With air support." "With airplay." "That"s better." "We could do that for you." "You don"t need Atlantic." "It"s time to go." "Let"s do it." "Not here." "Where is he?" "I don"t know." "Stick with the girl." "He"lI be back." "Excuse me." "I"m sorry, I need that pin back." "What pin?" "l"m sorry, I need it back." "Leave me alone." "I need the pin." "Why"d you steal the car?" "You"re not going home?" "Here are the keys. lt"s in the lot." "Leave me alone." "Can we talk?" "I"m going to dance on stage." "Look, everybody"s tired of you!" "Enough!" "Stop this. lt"s gone on long enough." "I thought he was German." "Me too." "Can you do me a favor and explain to Scott that which is obvious to everyone but him?" "Okay." "Thanks." "This is none of your business." "You need to hear this." "He won"t believe it unless you tell him." "Well, Scotty you"re boring." "I liked you for a while, but now I can"t stand looking at you." "Even your voice makes me sick." "Lovely." "Hallmark is waiting for you." "Thank you." "She"s not for you, son." "I"m a loser." "Come on, you"re 16." "To be a true loser takes years of dedicated ineptitude." "Trust me." "There"lI be other girls." "The truth hurts." "Here"s what hurts:" "I trusted him and he steals the car." "Look, I didn"t steal...." "I don"t want to talk about it right now, okay?" "Get him out of here." "This man has a major mime issue." "Get real rope. I"lI hang you." "Stop it." "Why don"t you get a real job?" "Build a real wall." "Stop it." "We lost the boy." "Where"d he go?" "Get out of here!" "We"re not good at this." "You go that way, I"lI go this way." "I thought you were someone else." "l"m Scott." "You want something?" "You want a nose ring?" "No, thanks." "Another time." "Does that hurt?" "Not the ones in the face." "The one that really hurt was...." "Yeah, I bet." "What did you do to your arm?" "Let"s go for a walk." "Excuse me, is there a problem here?" "Who are you?" "l"m Scott"s father." "Has he done something wrong?" "Yes, actually." "He stole $5,000 from me." "He did?" "I assure you he"lI be properly punished." "Young man, stealing money from drug dealers!" "You are grounded, mister." "Have we learned nothing from the music of John Lennon?" """all we need is love.""" "No, all we need is money!" "Do you have an Advil?" "You again." "You"re dead." "No, you are." "You"re doing it wrong." "I noticed." "The power comes from your back." "Watch." "Like this." "See?" "Let me show you again." "Who else wants a piece of me?" "Let"s go, boys!" "I"lI kick your ass!" "I"lI be there!" "Listen, Calvin, thanks for going so far out of your way." "It"s really above and beyond the call." "Look at this place." "You must"ve robbed a bank at some time." "Scott"s probably home." "I"m nervous about what to say to him." "Can I give you a little bit of advice here?" "Stop being so stiff, okay?" "And lighten up and take that pickle out of your butt." "Listen, it"s not enough to love him you must show him you love him." "Give him a big hug." "Thank you." "Ain"t nothing." "Take care." "I will." "Listen...." "l"lI call you." "You got my number." "You got it." "This is for my fine, his fine and the boy"s fine." "This is for getting the car back." "This is for the fabulous breakfast we had." "Are eggs supposed to make noise when you eat them?" "Very funny." "Here"s your claim check for the car." "Stay out of trouble." "Yes, sir." "Thanks." "See you at the reunion." "I go away for a minute and you buy him this shirt?" "He wanted it." "You"lI spoil him." "One shirt will spoil him." "Fine." "I like it." "What"s wrong?" "I"m afraid of flying." "Give me a minute." "This is not exactly DNA evidence, okay?" "Maybe." "Come on." "It"lI be fine." "Don"t be afraid, Scotty." "It"s okay. lt"s just a little bump." "You"re doing great." "You"re doing great." "It"s okay, breathe." "There you go." "Just breathe." "Thank you." "That"s okay." "Your shoelace is untied." "I got it." "I got it." "There you are." "It"s hard with one hand." "There you go." "Hi, dad." "Come in, come in." "Are you okay?" "Everything all right?" "Really?" "You"re all right?" "Really?" "I was worried." "Come here." "I"m sorry." "I"m sorry." "Bob." "Jack Lawrence." "Dale Putley." "Come on in." "Your mom"s in back." "Nice home." "What happened?" "A little accident." "You won"t believe what happened to me." "Bright." "What color yellow is this?" "Baby." "Oh, sweetheart." "Nice family." "Such a cute baby." "Look at him." "Look at this little cowboy hat." "I"m taking this." "You can"t. lt belongs to them." "You"re right." "Look." "Do you understand the situation?" "You told them both they were my fathers so they"d come look for me." "Right." "I lied to them." "Your mother...." "Both of us wanted you back so badly." "I understand." "I think it"s time I told them the truth." "Would you guys mind if I told them?" "You?" "I"m the reason that everything happened, right?" "Where"s Jack?" "In the den, calling his office." "You okay?" "Everything all right?" "Yeah, I just talked to my mom." "Oh, you did?" "She told me who my real father is." "Who is it?" "She says it"s you." "Really?" "She says she"s sure." "Oh, God!" "Come here." "I knew!" "The whirl...." "We should be quiet." "I"m worried about Jack." "Yeah, you"re right, you"re right." "We shouldn"t tell him." "Right." "It"d break his heart." "He seems tough but he"s so fragile." "It"lI be our little secret." "You know, I was thinking maybe in a few years, I"lI come to Berkeley." "Oh, yes, son." "Take photography." "I called my office." "Good news, everything went bad without me." "It"s not that funny." "No, no, it isn"t." "I"lI go call the airport, see when the next flight home is." "What"s with him?" "He just told me a funny story." "So, you know, I was talking to my mom before...." "She told me who my real father is." "Who?" "You." "Me?" "I"m so happy." "Me too." "Thank you." "I really appreciate everything you"ve done." "He told me." "Thank you." "You"re welcome." "See you!" "Why don"t you come in and relax, have a drink?" "You can take a swim if you want." "That"s sweet of you, but I"lI just come in, call a cab head to the airport." "You know what?" "Take my car." "You"re giving me your car." "That"s so Elvis of you." "Not to keep." "No, to take to the airport." "Put it in the overnight valet and one of my interns will get it tomorrow." "Are you sure you want me driving this car?" "It"s just a thing. lt"s just a car. lt"s just a a classic, irreplaceable car." "That"s all." "What"s this dent?" "Where?" "You mirth machine." "Thanks, Jack." "We did good." "Yeah, we did." "Let it out. lt"s so healthy, Jack." "It"s a breakthrough." "I"m fooling you." "This is what you look like, you weepy bastard." "Oh, I love you!" "Please, my sternum." "Ease off the clutch and you won"t get that burning smell." "Fine." "Don"t worry." "l"m not worried at all." "I got it." "I"m an idiot." "I"m a big schmuck." "You loaned Dale your Jaguar?" "Yeah." "How did it go?" "Scott told me I"m his father." "I feel good." "I feel terrific." "It"s, it"s amazing." "It"s wonderful news." "He was lying to me, but I still feel great." "Wait, what?" "Right to my face." "A big time lie." "How do you know?" "I"m a lawyer." "People always lie to me." "He"s a sweet kid." "He lied to me because he wanted me to feel good, and I did." "Just the idea of being somebody"s father made me feel wonderful." "Here"s what I think." "For the next one, I"d like to be there from the beginning." "Would I be involved this time?" "Oh, I hope so." "I mean, from the beginning." """Houston, we have a problem." "Mayday.""" "Car problem?" "Yeah." "Maybe I could help?" "Do you know anything about cars?" "Yeah." "Somewhat of an expert on cars." "Terrific." "What do you think?" "It"s not working." "It"s a rental. I"m late for the airport." "I"m going to the airport." "I have a 4:00 p.m. flight to San Francisco." "That"s my flight." "Really?" "United." "321 ?" "Right." "Me too." "How richly bizarre." "There we go." "At your service." "lt"s a beautiful car." "Thanks." "I just got it." "There." "Are you in?" "I"m Virginia Farrell." "Dale Putley." "will anyone be meeting you at the airport?" "Like a husband?" "No, I"m not married." "Me neither." "Have a boyfriend?" "No." "Me neither." "Have you ever been to the wine country?" "No. I"ve always wanted to go." "Subtitles conformed by SOFTlTLER" "Jack?" "Yes?" "Guess who?" "You know how I hate to fly?" "Where are you?" "Somewhere on the Coast Highway." "You shouldn"t be there!" "l"m driving to San Francisco." "In my car!" "No way!" "I"ve got to." "The road is calling me." "I was born to be wild." "No, you weren"t Dale." "No wild." "Jack Lawrence." "I have a son." "He"s yours." "Dale Putley." "I have a son." "I"m your dad." "Hi, Scotty." "I"m your papa, your daddy, your père." "When can I see him?" "He"s missing." "Missing?" "The only thing they have in common..." "Your son ran away?" "So did mine." "How richly bizarre." "Got a picture?" "...happened 17 years ago." "There he is." "He"s handsome." "Thank you." "So is my guy." "is this a joke?" "Who is the father?" "I don"t know." "Please find him." "His name is Scott." "That"s him, that"s Scott!" "At least we know he ate." "What"s going on?" "Hi, honey." "Someone called?" "I"m hosing him down." "He"s so slippery." "I"lI come back." "Warner Brothers presents..." "Seventeen years ago, we both your mother. Robin Williams..." "Oh, boy!" "...Billy Crystal..." "Sorry." "You all right?" "No, get it off!" "lt was an accident!" "My nose!" "...Julia Louis-Dreyfus..." "This is your shower buddy?" "Yes." "No." "We weren"t in the shower together." "The boy and I were." "He was soaping him up..." "...and hosing him off." "I was just watching." "That"s all." "...Nastassja Kinski..." "I feel like a loser." "Everyone does at 16." "To be a true loser takes years of dedicated ineptitude." "...in an Ivan Reitman comedy." "Uncle!" "This is too much trouble." "It"s why you don"t have kids." "Watch yourself." "You"re selfish." "And you"re a mess." "Yes, but I"m a work-in-progress!" "Hug me, let"s join our spirits." "Oh, boy!" "You"re ruining my life." "Yes." "We have to go." "Which one is his father?" "He is." "Thank you very much."