"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Ricky!" "Lucy!" "Ow!" "What are you trying to do, kill me?" "Well, what are you doing sneaking around behind the door?" "Hey, hey, hey." "Don't make so much noise." "Hey, hey, hey." "Don't make so much noise." "What's going on?" "You're going to wake up the kid." "She slammed the door on my nose." "I did not." "He walked right into it." "You okay now, Fred?" "I wouldn't be surprised if it's broken." "I may never smell again." "You want to bet?" "Oh, go on, make jokes." "You probably knew I was behind the door." "I did not." "Anyway, I don't see how the door got near your nose with that big stomach bumper you've got." "I just hope you haven't marred this classic profile, that's all." "ETHEL:" "Oh, brother." "RICKY (chuckling):" "Let me see, Fred." "Hey, you got quite a bump." "I wouldn't be surprised if that eye turns black." "Yeah?" "Now you see what you've done." "Here I am with a black eye and I got to go to a lodge meeting tonight." "Well, you got a perfect excuse." "You're probably the only person in history who ever really got a black eye by walking into a door." "But they'll never believe that." "Why not?" "It's the truth." "No, that doesn't matter." "Nobody ever believes the real story of a black eye." "I don't see why not." "Well, I seem to remember one occasion that you didn't believe Lucy and me." "When?" "Oh, I did too believe you." "You did not." "I did, too." "You certainly had a funny way of showing it." "I'll never forget how surprised I was by your attitude." "Lucy and I were just sitting at home minding our own business." "She was reading a book, and I walked into the room and that's when the whole thing started." "Hey, honey, you seen the book I was reading?" "I thought I left it on that table there." "What could I have done with my book?" "Hey, that's my book." "Hey, what are you doing?" "!" "Well, that's the book I was reading." "I was reading it last night." "Well, I'm reading it tonight." "Now, Lucy, be fair." "The book belongs to the person who started it first." "It does not." "There's a new rule:" "readers keepers, losers go look at television." "That rule does not apply to Cubans." "Now, Ricky, come on." "Come on, now, give me the book!" "Oh, this is getting us nowhere." "Come on, we'll read it together." "Oh, all right." "(sighs)" "Can you see all right to read?" "Sure." ""Madge went into the darkened room and there she saw..." Lucy's thumb." "Oh." "Sorry." "How's that?" "That's fine." "(to herself):" ""Gordon plunged a knife into her back several times." ""She tried desperately to fight back." ""But the blood, oozing from her many wounds," ""poured about her feet as she slipped to the ground" ""taking the lamp, electrocuting herself." "Nothing but a pile of ashes was left."" "Are you ready to turn the page?" "No, I'm not ready to turn the page." "You were mumbling so loud I wasn't able to concentrate." "I haven't read a word yet." "Oh, well, there's nothing on that page anyway." "Madge tried to poison Gordon, Gordon found out about it and he tried to run her over with his car." "That's all." "Next page." ""Gordon left the house..." "dismembering the housekeeper"?" "Ew!" ""Disposing of her body in the garbage disposal..."" "Honey, will you please stop mumbling?" "Well, I'm just reading." "Well, honey, can you read with your mouth close?" "Okay." "(muffled mumbling)" "Oh, no, no, no, this won't work." "No, no, I can't read that way." "No." "I can't read that way!" "How about one of us reading out loud to the other?" "All right." "Okay." "Well, go ahead." ""Madge se levanto de la carretera" ""y fue donde estaba..." ""cuando llego ah!" "' with the car, Gordon le dijo:" ""'Madge, ven aca,' y le dio as!" "' en la cara nip', m; ' Pum!" ""Y entonces la pobre muchacha tenia blood all over the place" ""y le dijo 'ino, no me des més, no me des més!" "Perdona, Gordon, mo, no me des més!"" "When I read, I translate into Spanish as I go along." "Yeah." ""Madge got up from the road" ""after Gordon had run her over with the car" ""and ran to him." ""She was beaten and torn." ""Her clothes were in shreds" ""And blood poured from her many wounds." ""Their eyes met." ""Then in a feeble voice, Madge said," ""'You don't like me, do you?"'" ""Suddenly, she gathered strength." ""'Go ahead, admit it,' she shouted" "'You hate me!"'" " Honey..." ""You hate me, don't you?" " Lucy." " Don't you?" "!"" " You don't have to shout!" "Honey, you don't have to shout." "I can't help it!" "(softer):" "I can't help it." "I get carried away with this stuff." "All right, go ahead." "But try to control yourself." "Okay." ""Gordon couldn't stand it any longer." ""He screamed at her, 'Okay, Madge, you asked for it.'" ""He started slowly toward her." ""Madge's eyes showed terror." ""He came closer, closer... closer..."" "Wait a minute, Fred." "Don't just walk in." "Ring the bell." "Well, we always just walk in." "Yeah, I know, but they don't know we're coming and people like a little privacy." "Well, these aren't people." "They're Ricky and Lucy." "Ring the bell." "All of a sudden you're so sensitive." "LUCY (yelling): "I was right." "I knew it." "I was right." "You do hate me, don't you?"" "No, wait." ""No, you wouldn't." "You wouldn't strike me!"" "What's going on in there?" ""Go ahead, you cad, hit me!" ""L dare you." "I dare you." "I dare you!"" "Ah!" "She went one "I dare you" too far." "She should know better than to dare that hot-blooded Cuban." "Why, that big bum hit her." "No, Fred, wait." "Come here." "I'm thinking of them." "When they hear the bell they'll go to neutral corners." "We can't just bust in on them at a time like this." "Don't you feel well, Ethel?" "I thought you'd be dying to get in there and see what the fight's all about." "Fred..." "No, there's just one decent thing to do." "We'll go downstairs and phone." "What for?" "To let them know we're coming up." "Then we'll go in and see what the fight's about." ""Later that night" ""Madge was crying softly in her room" ""waiting for the phone to ring." ""They said they'd call" ""if they found Gordon's battered body" ""when they dragged the river." ""She waited and waited." "Wouldn't that phone ever ring?"" "(phone rings)" " They found the body!" "Honey, what's the matter?" "!" "(phone ringing)" "That's our phone." "Oh." "Hello?" "Hello, Lucy." "This is Ethel." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Lucy, this is Ethel." "Yeah, I know." "This is Ethel, your friend." "To whom you may turn in a moment of crisis." "Ethel, have you been drinking?" "Okay, don't tell me." "We thought we'd come up." "Unless, of course, there's some reason you don't want to see us right now." "No, come on up." "We're just sitting here reading." "'We're just sitting here reading," she says." "Okay, we'll be up." "Anything we can bring?" "Cookies?" "Ice cream?" "Iodine?" "No, not a thing." "Come on up." "Okay." "Iodine?" "What does Ethel want?" "They're coming up." "Oh, I want to find out what happened to Madge and Gordon." "Well, we'll find out later." "L'm going to go put on a new face." "All right." "Oh, listen, honey, put this by the bed and then we can read it before we go to sleep." "Oh!" "My eye!" "Oh, honey... oh, what happened, honey?" "Oh..." "Oh, honey, oh, I'm sorry." "Did I hit you in the eye?" "Oh, yes." "Oh, gee, honey, I'm sorry, doll." "Well, it wasn't your fault, honey." "Oh, gosh, it hurts so." "Right there." " Let me look at it." " Oh..." " Oh, you sure got a whack." " Oh..." "It's starting to get black already." "Oh, really?" "That's all I need:" "a black eye." "(doorbell buzzes)" " Oh, honey." "Oh, that must be the Mertzes." "You let them in." "I'm going to go put something cold on this." "L'm sorry, sweetheart." " It's all right, dear." "Oh..." "Hi, Ethel." "Hello, Ricky." "Hi, Fred." "Hi, Rick." "Where's Lucy?" "Oh, she'll be right in." "Won't you sit down?" "FRED:" "Fine." "Honey, it is the Mertzes!" "They're here!" "He's a cool customer, isn't he?" "Fast, too." "He hasn't got a scratch on him." "What's new?" "Oh, nothing." "Nothing." "What's new up here?" "Nothing." "Just sitting around." "Oh?" "I see." "Uh... would you, uh..." "Would you like a drink or something?" " Oh, no, thanks." " No?" "No, thanks." "Hi, folks." "Lucy..." "Oh, you poor little thing." "What?" "Oh, my eye." "FRED:" "Yeah, your eye." "ETHEL:" "How did it happen?" "Oh..." "Ricky slugged me." "Yeah." "Yeah, I finally decided to, boom, let her have it." "(laughing)" "Oh, you better come down and stay with us, honey." "What?" "What do you mean, Ethel?" "Imagine, striking a woman." "Oh, Fred, Ethel, I was just kidding." "Now, don't try to protect him, honey." "He isn't worth it." "No, really." "I just said that Ricky slugged me because nobody ever believes the real story of a black eye." "RICKY:" "Yeah." "And what is the real story?" "Ricky tossed a book to me, I missed it, and it hit me in the eye." "Yeah." "Oh, come now." "You can do better than that." "No, really, Ethel, that's what happened." "How do you like it, they never believe the real story." "How do you like that?" "For goodness' sakes, Ethel, you don't think that I would actually hit Lucy, do you?" "Apparently they don't want to take us into their confidence." "Come on, Fred." "Oh, now, Ethel, come here." "No." "There are times when even the best friends are unwelcome." "Now, wait a minute, you two." "Now, listen, Fred, let me explain to you what..." "Please, please." "Don't drag us into your sordid family squabbles." "Shall we go, Ethel?" "(door closes)" "Well, did you ever?" "How do you like that?" "Well, I'll explain it to her in the morning." "Come on, now we can find out what happened to Madge and Gordon." "Okay." "(vacuum running)" "Good morning, Lucy." "Oh, hi, Ethel." "Has the brute gone?" "Who?" "Oh, Ricky." "Yeah, he's gone to rehearsal." "Let me see your eye." "Oh, boy." "That rat really gave you a mouse." "Gee, I'm sorry I talked to you the way I did last night." "I couldn't sleep a wink." "Well, honey, I accept your apology." "I'm not apologizing." "I couldn't sleep 'cause I didn't know the real story." "Come on, tell me." "What happened?" "I told you, Ethel:" "Ricky tossed a book to me, I missed it and it hit me in the eye." "I know, I know." "That's the story for publication." "Now, what's the gory truth?" "How many times do I have to tell you, honey?" "Ricky tossed a..." "You're not going to be satisfied until you get a real juicy story out of me, are you?" "No." "Come on." "Okay." "Well, last night" "Ricky and I were sitting around after dinner." "We got into a little argument." "Close your mouth." "Where was I?" "You were sitting around after dinner when, suddenly, Ricky grabbed you by the hair and slugged you." "Yeah." "Go on." "Well, like you say, he grabbed me by the hair, and he slugged me." " Yeah." " No!" "And then he slugged me again..." "Pow!" "Oh!" "Pow!" "Oh!" "Pow!" "Oh!" "And then what?" "He came at me." "You know how wild those Cubans are when they get mad." "He grabbed me by the throat." "I gasped for air." "(gasping)" "I cried for mercy." ""Mercy!" "Mercy!" "Mercy!"" "And then he said he hated you." "Okay." "Finally, who knows why, he let go." "And I lay there cowering and whimpering..." ""Please, no, oh, oh, no."" "He just looked down at me, and he laughed." ""Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"" "And then he kicked me." "He was just about to kick me again when the phone rang." "Oh, this is even better than I expected." "Uh, what started it all?" "What made him so mad?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "No." "We were just sitting around talking about the weather, his new show at the club." "I told him I was in love with another man and all of a sudden, for no reason at all..." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Back up." "You said you were in love with another man?" "Oh, no, no, I didn't say that." "Who is it?" "!" "Who?" "Who?" "Who is it?" "!" "Who?" "Who?" "Nobody." "I couldn't possibly tell you, Ethel." "Why, is it somebody I know?" " Who is it?" "!" "l'm not going to tell you." " Oh, Lucy, you can't stop there." " I am not going to tell you." "I didn't sleep a wink last night." "I shouldn't have told you..." "Well, what am I going to do tonight?" "No!" "I am not going to tell you." "FRED:" "Oh, Rick!" "Hey, Ricky!" "Wait a minute." "Oh, hiya, Fred." "What's the matter?" "Where you rushing off to?" "Well, I'm going to rehearsal." "I'm late now." "What's up?" "Well, I wanted to talk to you about last night." "I wasn't really sore at you." "I was going along with Ethel." " Last night?" " Yeah." "Oh!" "Well, let me tell you about that..." "Listen, I know just how you felt." "No, you don't." "Oh, yes I do." "I've been married a lot longer than you have." "And you should never have lost your temper that much." "However, it's done, and there's one way out of it." "However, it's done, and there's one way out of it." "I see." "What's that?" "Don't stand on false pride." "Whether you're right or wrong be big about it." "Apologize." "Send her some flowers." "Well, that's very sweet of you to be so concerned about it, Fred, but, uh, I told you what happened last night." "You don't think that I would ever really hit Lucy, do you?" "If you give her a chance to brood it'll cost more than flowers." "Now, why don't you be smart?" "Look, Fred, I'm late." "I'll talk to you about it later." "Now, listen, I really know about these things, Rick." "Come on in now and send her some flowers." "Wait a minute, Fred." "This is getting silly." "I didn't do anything last night." "I'm not going to send anybody any flowers, and I'm already late for rehearsal, so good-bye." "(Ricky chuckles)" "Good morning, Mr. Mertz." "Oh, hello, Pete." "I want you to pick me out a dozen beautiful red roses and I'd like to have them delivered this afternoon." "Gee, I'm afraid you're too late." "Our delivery truck is just leaving." "See if you can catch him, will you?" " I'll try." " Thanks." "Hey." "Phil!" "Phil, hold it a second!" "Hold it!" "Okay, I caught him." "Oh, fine." "Thanks." "I'll have this card ready in a minute." "Right." "Hey, Pete, what are these?" "Gladiolus." " Gladiolus?" " That's right." "They're beautiful." "Put some of those in, will ya?" "Okay, fine." "They're grand." "Mm-hmm." "There we are." "There, you got 'em?" "One second." "Address is right on that envelope." "Okay, fine." "They'll have it in a jiffy." "Well, they're on their way." "Oh, fine." "I want them to get up there before her husband gets home." "Why, Mr. Mertz!" "Oh, now, now, now." "Just a minute." "Ricky and Lucy had a little fight last night." "Ricky's a little stubborn so I'm sending her some roses in his name." "Oh, I see." "Wait till she sees that card." "I wrote, "Darling, I love you, I love you," "I love you."" "Oh." "And then I signed it, "Eternally yours, Fred."" "Fred?" "Fred!" "Stop that truck!" "Get that card!" "It's too late!" "It's left." "Oh, no!" "Wait a minute!" "You didn't pay me!" "Hey, Fred." "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing." "Well, why did you run in the door like that?" "Well, well, I-I couldn't wait to get home to you." "Oh." "Me?" "!" "Yeah." "Hey, you haven't seen any deliveries in the last few minutes..." "Laundry?" "Groceries?" "No, nothing like that." " Oh." " Just a florist." "He left some flowers for Lucy and she wasn't home, so I took 'em." "Yeah?" "Well, where are they?" "I put them up in her apartment." "Gee, I was dying to peek in the box and see who they were from." "If she doesn't come home pretty soon, I think I will." "Oh, no, no, no!" "I don't want my wife doing anything like that." "Besides, they must be from Ricky." "Maybe they are, and maybe they aren't." "Well, I'll see you later." "Where are you going?" "Uh..." "I'm going to turn the heat up." "It's cold in here." "Turn the heat up?" "It's like an oven in here!" "Yeah, by gosh, you're right." "I better turn the heat down." "Lucy?" "ETHEL:" "Lucy?" "(knocking)" "Lucy?" "Lucy?" "(key turning in lock)" "Ooh!" "Gee." "Ooh!" "♪ La, la-Ia-la ♪" "Oh, hello, Lucy!" "Hi!" "I didn't know you were home." "Yeah, I just got here." "Look, Ethel... flowers!" "Oh...?" "Gee, I wonder who they're from." "So do I." "They're probably from... him." ""Him"?" "Him whom?" "You know him whom." "M.L." "Oh...!" "Mystery lover." "They're probably from Ricky." "Ooh, I'm so excited!" "Oh!" "Aren't they lovely!" "Oh, gee." "Yeah, they're from Ricky." "Yeah?" "Look at the card and see." "Ethel, I wouldn't do this for anyone but you." "Here, you look at the card and then you'll know who my mystery lover is." "Okay." ""Darling, I love you, I love you, I love you." "Eternally yours, Fred."" " Fred?" "!" " Fred?" "!" "Fred who?" "You know Fred who." "Oh, now, Ethel, you certainly don't think that these are from Fred Mertz, do you?" "Well, this card certainly wasn't written By Fred MacMurray." "Oh, now, Ethel." "Fred, my beautiful, fat old goat your mystery lover." "This is just ridiculous." "How can I fall for a fat old goat like him?" "Don't you talk like that about Fred!" "Well, you said it first." "Well, I can say it." "He's my old goat." "This is just silly." "I'm not going to discuss it." "Oh, yes, you are!" "Oh, no, I'm not!" " Oh, yes, you are!" " Oh, no, I'm not!" "L'm not going to say one word!" " Oh, yes, you are!" "Wait a minute." "Well, if it isn't old mystery lover." "Fred, what were you doing in my closet?" ""Fred, what were you doing in my closet?"" "Oh, brother." "Ethel, my love!" "Don't you "Ethel, my love" me!" "Oh!" "My eye!" "MY eye!" "Oh, Ethel, really!" "Don't you talk to me!" "RICKY:" "Fred, how are you?" "What's the matter?" "FRED:" "I'll show you what the matter is!" "This is!" "(punch landing)" "RICKY:" "Oh!" "What happened?" "(clears throat)" "Well?" "Ethel and I have an apology to make." "Oh?" "You remember that story you told us about you getting a black eye when Ricky tossed a book to you?" "Yes?" "It is possible." "Oh." "And how did you finally arrive at that conclusion?" "Ethel!" "Oh, no." "(chuckles)" "Did Fred tell you how it happened?" "You mean that phony story about tossing a book to you?" "Yeah." "Oh, come now." "You can do a lot better than that, can't you?" "(laughing)" "(laughing)" "Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry I didn't believe you." "I'm sorry, too, Rick." "It can happen." "That's all right, Fred." "I wanted to take a couple of days off from work anyway." "Oh, Ricky, you're a wonderful sport." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER:" "The part of the clerk was played by Bennett Green." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production."