"So..." "So I took the train to RISD." "And I didn't have enough money for a ticket, so I decided to dodge the conductor." "And then they caught me and I ended up in the precinct." "And you called your father." "Yeah." "And you came to pick him up?" "Of course." "He was up on a job up in Buffalo." "It took him eight hours to drive." "So how was that?" "How was what?" "Picking Jesse up at the precinct." "Fine." "I paid what he owed and they released him." "So there wasn't any further difficulty?" "No." "I'm sorry, but I'm just having a little trouble understanding how this incident led to your decision to quit therapy." "Well, we had a talk on the car ride back into the city and now I feel a lot better, so..." "And what... what did you talk about?" "Marisa mostly and how she fucked me up." "You use that kind of language in front of him?" "No, not really." "Sometimes." "Seems kinda disrespectful, doesn't it?" "Yeah, I guess." "So you were discussing Marisa." " Can I say something?" " Yeah, dad, of course." "When Marisa was here, she wouldn't shut up." "I know Jesse's been coming here for a while now." "And I heard from my wife that it'd been doing him some good." "We haven't really talked about it, Jesse and me, because I know he likes his privacy, so I didn't want to pry." "But I asked him about it on the way back." "I asked him what he'd been discussing with you." "He said Marisa." "Now listen, I know you mean well, but it occurred to me that you don't have all the facts, doctor." "So I told him a story about the way" "Marisa treated him when he was a little baby, and it seems to have helped him out." "Wouldn't you say?" "So there it is." "I'm sorry," "I'm still not following." "We figured it out." "You figured what out?" "My problem." "Your problem is Marisa?" "When Jesse told me he got a phone call from that woman in Westchester," "I wanted to step in then." "I was gonna call her back and tell her to keep her nose job out of my family." "But my wife said, "don't do it." "Let Jesse handle it." "He's in therapy."" "In therapy." "It sounds to me you're a little... you're a little bit dubious of therapy, Mr. D'amato." "I'm an electrician." "The lights go on... you're good at your job." "The house stays dark... you should have been a plumber." "But you..." "what you do... it's more complicated." "I understand that." "Well, I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have." "He told me last week when he was in here he was thinking about maybe killing himself." "And you just let him walk out of here." "Don't you think you should have called me or my wife?" " I did consider that." " You considered it?" "Jesse seemed upset to me, but not suicidal." "That's your professional opinion?" "Yes, it is." "Did you tell my son to take the train up to Westchester and go visit the people who gave him up?" "Did you think that was best for Jesse... having the door slammed in his face by a couple of rich assholes who were too chickenshit to face their own mistake?" "Well, excuse me for saying this, but you should have been a plumber." "How much do I owe you for all of it?" "Your wife is up to date with all of that." "Thank you." "Come on, Jesse." "We're done here." "Mr. D'amato, I would like to talk to Jesse, if I may, before you leave." "So talk." "Alone." "You want to talk to him?" "( Theme music playing )" "I had enough money for a regional ticket, but there was an express train leaving right when I got to penn station." "So I figured I would just buy a regular ticket and avoid the conductor." "I mean, it was kind of fun actually." "The trick is... never sit." "If you sit, you're sunk." "You have to stay one car ahead of him at all times." "And when you get to the last car, you just... you hide in the bathroom." "But I fucked up." "I sat right before we got to Providence because my feet were tired." "And suddenly there was this hand on my shoulder." "And the guy was like, "come with me, son."" "And I was like, "didn't I see you in 'midnight express'?"" "I know." "It was a joke, right?" "But he didn't think it was funny." "And he took me down to the precinct, which was really, like, such a dickhead move because we were already in Providence." "God, people can be such assholes." "Well, that is true." "They said they wouldn't release me until I paid for the ticket." "But I didn't have any money left, so I offered them all blowjobs, but nobody bit." "( Chuckles )" "So you called your father." "Yeah well, I thought about calling somebody else first, like Ms. u." "But then I figured she was probably on a date." "Oh, she has a new boyfriend." "You missed your chance." "Oh well, that's too bad." "Yeah well, I mean, she got snatched up really quick." "She's really hot." "I was just trying to look out for you." "So did you think about calling anybody else?" "Yeah, but nobody seemed right." "Mm-hmm." "Did you think about calling me?" "Sure." "And why didn't you?" "I don't know." "Was it because you might have been angry at me for what happened here last week?" "Maybe your running away was to send me a message." "What kind of a message?" "Oh, "this is what happens when you don't take care of me" type message." "Man, you got a shitload of books in this office." "Yes, I do." "I like to read." "We barely have any books in our house." "Magazines..." "lots of magazines but no books." "How long have you been here?" "Oh, not long." "A few years." "Looks like you've been here forever." "I used to live in Baltimore." "And I moved to Brooklyn after my divorce." "Why Brooklyn?" "I studied in the city when I was young." "And I started my practice here." "It's a good place to be alone but not to feel lonely." "And you wanted to feel alone?" "I think at that time I needed to be, yeah." "How come you're suddenly answering all my questions?" "Is it because this is my last session?" "Is that what you want... for this to be the last session?" "Look, it took Roberto eight hours to get there from Buffalo." "I was afraid he was going to kill me." "But he wasn't mad at all." "I mean, he was actually, like, the least mad I'd ever seen him." "How do you mean?" "I don't know." "I saw him and..." "I heard him first, because I was in this other room and they wouldn't let me see him until he paid for the ticket." "But I heard him asking," ""I'm Roberto D'amato." "Where is my son?"" "When I finally came out, he... he grabbed me and he hugged me like... like... like I really was his son." "Well, that must really have felt so good." "It's a wonderful thing to really know that your father loves you." "Can you tell me more about this conversation on the way home?" "We stopped at coney island." "We used to go there all the time when I was younger." "Yes, I remember you telling me that." "And he said it was his idea to adopt me." "He'd lost both his parents when he was really young..." "like 18." "And he said after that he felt like there was this hole in his heart." "And he thought it would go away when he got married, but it didn't." "He said when he saw me and when he first held me, he said the hole closed immediately, like magic." "That's a lot of information to take in." "Yeah." "He... he didn't really know how to tell me, I guess." "Hmm." "And did you ever feel this from your father when you were growing up, even if he couldn't express it?" "Yeah, I mean, I've never really, like, had a problem with him." "It's mostly my mom." "Your mom." "You said earlier that you talked a lot about Marisa during this conversation." "Yeah well, he said when they first brought me home from the hospital when I was a baby, that I cried all the time and Marisa couldn't make me stop." "And then that just like made her feel really bad, because she didn't even feel like she was supposed to be a mother." "Why not?" "She can't have kids." "She can't get pregnant." "So she felt inadequate to begin with because of that." "And when she couldn't comfort you, it confirmed her fears about herself?" "Yeah, and he says she's just like never really gotten over it." "I mean, she's nervous around me, and that makes me nervous." "That's how you feel around your mother... nervous?" "Yeah, and like suddenly everything is so fucking clear, you know?" "Um, no." "What's clear?" "None of this is my fault." "All my life I've walked around thinking that something was wrong with me." "There had to be, obviously, because I freak my mother out." "And that wasn't normal." "I knew that because I saw the way other kids were around their mothers." "And then there was Marisa." "But now I realize the problem isn't me at all." "The problem is her." "You sound relieved." "Uh, yeah." "Majorly." "You know, it can be... it can be very empowering to start to understand our parents as fallible and to see how often their actions spring from their own insecurities, rather than our inadequacies." "I feel much better." "It can also be a scary experience." "It would make complete sense if seeing your mother as flawed or weak made you feel insecure." "It doesn't." "It really would be totally understandable if you were feeling confused." "I'm not." "You're clear?" "Yes." "And would you say that's coming from inside you?" "As opposed to what?" "Your father." "You know, last week" "I was a little worried about you." "Well, we talked things through, and I really felt confident that you weren't suicidal." "Was I wrong?" "No." "But you told Roberto something different." "Why?" "I don't know." "Were you worried that it wouldn't last?" "That what wouldn't last?" "His attention." "His concern." "Maybe you are worried that after all this he's going to disappear again." "And now that I have a little more insight into your father... you don't know anything about my father." "I don't know much, but from what I've observed... you didn't observe shit." "He was here for 10 minutes." "God, what is it with you?" "Do you think you're some sort of mind-reader?" "Do you think you're like smarter than everyone else?" "Well, you're not, all right?" "Just because he doesn't have a PHD from Columbia doesn't mean he's some sort of fucking retard." "I never said it did." "Well, it's what you were thinking." "I can tell." "Then you must be the mind-reader." "Could we go back to last week..." "Dude, I don't even remember last week." "When you asked me to join you for ice cream on your birthday?" "So what?" "Well, I declined because I thought it was important for you to be with your real parents on your birthday." "And I knew that my decision might hurt you." "Now I feel like you're kind of punishing me for that, trying to push me away once and for all." "You don't have to choose between me and your father, you know?" "You can have us both." "We fulfill different functions in your life." "But if you close the door on me," "I'm not gonna come after you." "I can't." "Do you understand that?" "Yes." "I understand everything." "I should go." "Jesse, hold on a second before you go." "I'm a little worried that your father may be turning you against your mother." "No, he isn't." "Well, he tends to place all the blame on her." "He says she wasn't a good mother, she was frightened of you." "But my question is, where was he while all this was happening?" "He was working his ass off." "He was providing for our family." "Do you think it's possible that his perspective might not be accurate?" "Why are you trying to ruin everything?" " I'm not." " Last week you told me to go home." "You told me to talk to Roberto." "And I did that." "And we're cool again for the first time in, like, four fucking years." "I mean, he wants me to go work for his business." "Do you know what a big deal that is to me?" "Yes, I do." "Well, then why can't you just shut up?" "Because I'm worried that if you leave therapy, everything that we've been talking about in here... your photographs, your sexuality, the issue with your birth parents... it's gonna all get buried." "I'm not enlisting in the fucking marines." "What about your photography?" "It can wait." "Jesse, don't do that, not now." "We've just started to talk about who you really are, where you come from, where you're headed." "There is so much good work just beginning." "What do you want from me?" "I want you to keep talking to me." "Why is that so important to you?" "Because you are important to me." "That is so fucked." "That is so fucked up." " Why is it fucked up?" " Because you're not my fucking father!" "( Door opens )" "Did I just hear you cursing at him?" "It's fine." "Let's go." "We're not going anywhere until you apologize." "I'm sorry." "Me too." "I'm done here, dad." "Jesse, could you just wait for a second?" "These are yours." "( Exhales )" "( Theme music playing )"