"v 0.1" "It has been described as one of the most vicious presidential races in the history of American politics and one of the closest." "The Republican nominee Senator Russell P. Kramer of Ohio is practically dead even in the polls with is bitter rival democratic Governor Matt Douglas of Indiana." "To say there is no love lost between these two candidates is a gross understatement." "Yet to night, in spite of their almost overwhelming distaste for each other one man will have to salute the other as the next President of the United States." "Thank you." "Thank you." "God bless you." "What was once a dream." "...is now a reality." "I've always said that our dreams are like our children." "They need our encouragement and support to grow." "They must be nurtured and sheltered but allowed to run free." "We are here to help your dream become real, America." "And I'm confident that we'll be here for a long, long time to come." "And so it appears the American people have spoken." "A few minutes ago I congratulated Governor Douglas on his victory." "We fought bravely, but for us the time has come to stand behind our new president and put aside any feelings of ill will rancor hostility and serious doubts about this man's ability to lead a nation that I hope none of us feels." "A funny thing happened on the way to the office tonight." "I got elected President of the United States." "A funny thing happened on the way to the hotel tonight." "Now." "The people have spoken." "Maybe we don't agree with them." "Congratulations." "What a night." "It's time, sir." "Well, all right then." "Shall we greet the nation Mr. Vice President-elect." "I guess, but are we sure it's official?" "President Douglas just conceded." "I'd say that's a good sign." "Let's go." "I have always believed that dreams are like children." "They need encouragement and support to grow." "But ultimately it is perseverance that will turn a dream into a reality countries into world powers and your own Hiroshi Ashino into Matsamuda's insurance Underwraiter of the Year." "Pleasure." "Good." "Congrats." "What?" "!" "Jesus Christ!" "The thing just grabbed me." "Am I supposed to knock it down ?" "You handled it very well." "You think so?" "Tomorrow there'll be a picture of me dancing with a giant dog in every newspaper on this planet." "It was a panda, sir." "What's the difference?" "Why a Japanese company would--?" "I don't care." "Did Jefferson dance with a bear?" "Did Lincoln?" "Did Reagan foxtrot with a panda?" "I'll check..." "I was President of the United States I don't dance with animals." "No dancing with animals." "A message from the president." "Thanks, Jim." "Jim's off today." "I'm Bruce." "Sorry." "You and Jim look alike." "Jim's black sir." "I know." "But you're both tall." "He's sending me to another funeral." "I can't believe I just did it with Matt Douglas." "You were the leader of the free world." "My mother has a commemorative plate with your face on it." "You haven't said anything about my book." "The new draft better?" "I'm your editor." "Keep in mind, I'm supposed to be critical." "It stinks, right?" "No, it doesn't" " I would never-- lt is pretty stinky." "Sorry." "You spend too much of the book talking about what you wanted to do not what you did." "I didn't do much." "How's that for honesty?" "I believe this is yours." "Look, Joanna if the book goes or not i don't care." "I'm writing it, cause I don't know what else to do." "You've got plenty of options." "Not really." "But I'll never be like Kramer running around sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down." "Jimmy Carter, there's a class act." "He goes around building homes for poor people with his own hands." "You could do that." "Yeah, maybe in a couple years." "Right now my attitude is..." ""They didn't vote for me let them freeze."" "That was too easy." "You're getting soft." "We really wish you wouldn't do that." "You put yourself at risk." "Right." "Let me ask you in the years ex-presidents have had Secret Service protection has there ever been even one assassination attempt?" "No, sir." "I find that sad." "The minute you're out of the office they don't care enough to kill you anymore." "Before we go in we'd like to know how you got out of the stall without us seeing." "Why don't you guys relax?" "Take a night off." "Go rent "In the Line of Fire" again." "We'll be in Air Force One shortly, President Douglas." "I hate funerals It's awful when another good Democrat passes on." "I believe the deceased was a Republican." "Then it might not be so bad." "Hello, baby." "Daddy's home." "There's the old seat." "President Douglas." "President Kramer." "Well, that covers that." "Russell i just have to ask." "When you dance with a panda who leads?" "Are you working on your book?" "I find writing very gratifying." "I must." "I've written seven books on my years at the helm." "You've obviously got a great knack for fiction." "And how is Mrs. Douglas?" "We're in the middle of a divorce." "I knew that, didn't I?" "I guess life in the White House put a strain on your marriage." "It was being out of the White House that Katherine couldn't stand." "That's funny." "It went over well with the rest of the country." "Want to compare popularity polls?" "Let's talk about popularity." "There was only. one assassination attempt on me." "You had three." "Two the woman in Phoenix does not count!" "She had a starter pistol!" "Stop." "Just stop." "We're here because a man died." "We can attempt some semblance of civility, can't we?" "I know I can." "You're a whore, admit it." "Admit you're a big whore." "Name three women in Dc. you didn't bang when you were in office." "What am I talking?" "Name one." "Screw you." "Blow me." "When I appointed General Charles Sherman... .to the Joint Chiefs i knew he was a man with a dream." "I have always believed that dreams are like our children." "Buy a new speech, Russell." "That dead general's lucky." "He won't have to hear it again." "Grab me a towel, will you?" "I don't like to interrupted while on the bike." "What's going on?" "I'm afraid a situation's come up." "The Democrats may have some damaging information about olympia..." "Olympia?" "We've had that buried for years." "I was thinking when all this took place, Kramer was President." "Possibly we can lay the scandal on him." "He didn't know anything about it." "Could always make it appear he did." "A little fiddling with the records, some rewriting of history." "I don't know, Carl." "That's tricky stuff." "That'd open a whole new bag of cats." "My honest opinion. lf this matter isn't taken care of immediately no less than the presidency is at stake." "Don't worry." "I can promise this is the last you'll hear about it." "Hear about what?" "Mrs Sherman told me Charlie had a favorite song." "One that cheered him up." "Please God, don't let him quote lyrics." "I can't think of anything more fitting than to share with you the words from that song." "Oh, Christ." ""Muskrat Susie" ""Muskrat Sam" ""Do the jitterbug out in Muskrat-land" ""And they shimmy" ""And Sammy's so skinny."" "How are you doing?" "Hello, Senator." "Good to see you." "Nice to have seen you." "Mr. President, hello." "What a lovely surprise." "And how is my favorite TV newsperson?" "I'm your favorite?" "I thought Diane Sawyer was." "She is." "How is she?" "Rumor has it a major scandal is about to blow and it may involve you." "No, not me, Kaye." "My nose is clean." "I heard that in your last year in office you took a very generous "fee" for delivering a defense contract." "I'm just looking for a confirmation." "Are you saying that I took a kickback.?" "Excuse me, got a minute?" "Looks like Haney's involved in this Kramer kickback story." "But a defense contractor's prepared to say he paid Kramer off." "Then that's that Case closed" "No, it's not." "Our sources tell us Haney's shifting the blame." "Word is, it was done over lunch." "Really?" "Just you and the contractor." "Very cozy." "Who is this contractor?" "Charlie Reynolds." "Oh, you're kidding." "You know I would tell you the name of the contractor if I was your favorite TV newsperson." "But since I'm not..." "Take care." "Did you hear that?" "I did." "It's a crock and we both know it." "It's a kick in the balls." "Sorry, sweetheart." "I'm a politician's wife." "I have a set of my own." "I know you and Charlie were friends but he's in over his head." "You're going to Washington for the book convention?" "It'd be a great time to talk to him." "I'd like to help you, Joe, but I'm not getting involved." "If you do this for us the Party'll be grateful." "We both know you want another crack at the Oval Office." "I told you I was thinking about running again." "Just thinking." "The Party wouldn't back me." "Besides they wouldn't." "Would they?" "Of course, they would." "I'm the Democratic Chairman." "We need your help." "If you're seriously considering running again, you'll need ours." "When did this supposedly happen?" "It was seven years ago." "I don't understand it." "Why me and why now?" "Who'll benefit from framing me?" "The President of the United States." "I thought about your offer." "Not that I'd run again but you really think the Party'd back me if I helped out?" "It's already been discussed." "Really?" "Now that I think of it there is an extra bonus to this." "I either get the son of a bitch I hate..." "Good to see you." "...or the son of a bitch I really hate." "I'll do it." "Get me the name of that contractor." "You must dig that up." "I'll get right on it." "We agreed the zipper would be in the up position." "it's part of the deal." "I wonder what they'd pay me if I tattooed their logo on my ass." "I could ask, sir." "Just drive the cart!" "I've actually thought about playing professionally." "I do't know about that" "I think the ladies' tour likes their payers to be more masculine." "Hold this." "Thank you, Russ." "That's for you." "You son of a" "I'm so sorry and I'm so embarrassed." "And I hope this doesn't scare you away from golf." "Because it's such a great sport." "I know your people, the black people don't enjoy the game." "it's because you can't get into the nice clubs, the restricted ones." "But blacks are so good at many sports." "Maybe it's good that we white folk have a sport you guys aren't so good at." "Mr. Vice President, this way." "ls there a problem?" "There'll be less of one if you come." "So long." "I'm getting a cramp." "Interesting game." "You're playing pretty tough." "Tough enough to win, I hope." "Maybe." "You never know when you'll get stuck with a bad lie." "Here I come, fighting back from behind" "Too little, too late." "You'll never catch us." "I'm pretty sure I'll catch one of you." "Excellent work, Caldwell." "I'll be in touch." "What'd he find?" "Charlie Reynolds is the frigging guy who says I took the kickback." "Don't say "frigging." If you must use the F-word, go for the gold." "Why would he say that?" "I think he's covering for Haney." "it's Haney's mess and he's shifting it to me." "I didn't think he was that smart." "He learned from the master." "I met him once." "Haney brought him into the office for lunch." "As I remember, we sat around talking about golf most of the time." "Now Reynolds is getting ready to release an affidavit saying that he was alone with me." "Don't do that with the liquor." "it's so...george Bush." "Wait." "Wait a minute." "If the meeting took place in the Oval Office then there's a record of it in the log naming everyone present." "This is easy." "I send Caldwell to the archives and get some hard evidence I can shove in Reynolds' face." "Well done, dear." "Before we check out, do you want me to steal the little shampoos?" "Oh God, Margaret, come on now." "please." "I already got them." "It's not there?" "!" "I have the appointment log right in front of me." "I see your name, Charles Reynolds' name, and at the bottom the word "Olympia" circled in red." "Sir?" "Don't be a moron, Charlie!" "You're saying you offered me a kickback and I took it?" "!" "That's how I remember it." "As I recall just the two of us were there." "You were pleased about the deal." "Just the two of us?" "Are you sure about that?" "There's nothing more to discuss." "We have lots to discuss How's this for o ." "peners?" "You and your buddies tampering with documents in the archives?" "That'll be hard to explain when you get subpoenaed." "I'm sorry, sir." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "I'm going to have to stand by my original statement." "You'll have to stand alone." "Let's go, Bruce." "It's Jim." "Yeah, you're black and tall." "Whoopdee-frigging-do." "Mr. Reynolds the president's here." "He just left." "No, another one." "Charlie, old buddy!" "How about we take a walk?" "Talk about old times." "I assure you the arrangement was made with President Kramer alone." "We're friends." "I want to believe you, but some people say it wasn't that way." "This is turning into a huge political bomb." "Not that I mind, because when it blows, my party's going to be in." "Look Haney, Kramer, one of them is going down." "Now the Democrats can offer you immunity if you give us the name." "Now, come on, who took the kickback?" "Please tell me it's Kramer." "If it is I'll give you a big kiss on the lips." "Carl, I'm in a very tough spot here." "I know." "There's nothing to worry about." "Hang tight." "They came to my office yesterday!" "They came to my place of business!" "Now, look, I know we have a deal but if I knew this would happen I wouldn't have signed on." "Be calm and know you have the full." "power of the White House behind you." "Okay?" "I'll be in touch." "Reynolds sounds shaky." "I better get over there and give our friend moral support." "Okay, folks, please step back." "Form a line" "Everyone will get an autograph." "He wrote a cookbook How dare he?" "When he was President he cooked for his guests." "That's not the point." "Did Washington write about wooden teeth?" ""Did Taft write Thirty Days to a Slimmer Ass"?" "It's shameful." "Mr. President?" "It's okay, Chet." "Mr. Reynolds would appreciate your signing this for his daughter." "Who?" "Charlie?" "Be glad to." "There you go." "This'll make him very happy." "President Douglas here's the sandwich you ordered." "Just one moment." "Chet, could you...?" "I didn't order a sandwich." "Yes, sir." "Sandwich boy." "Come with us" "Drop the bag." "Hands behind your back." "What'd I do?" "Don't move" "He said turkey and Swiss!" "Don't move" "He said turkey and Swiss!" "What's in the bag?" "A sandwich." "You made the right choice." "I hope so, Matt." "Get in." "it's my duty to officially serve you with a subpoena." "Oh, God." "Did you have to do that?" "I always admired you." "The hell..." "My ex-wife." "Damn." "Don't ever get a divorce, Charlie." "I swear, half the time i wish somebody'd walk up and shoot me." "Oh, my God!" "What are you doing?" "!" "What's going on." "Douglas?" "Oh, my God." "He's dead." "Oh, my God!" "What the hell?" "Don't make a scene." "What did you do?" "!" "What did I do?" "!" "You caught me." "We got in a fight about your cookbook so I plugged him." "You got a problem with my cookbook?" "We are two ex-presidents inches away from a dead man." "Not a good place to be." "What were you doing with Reynolds?" "You know about Olympia, don't you?" "I know about the kickback you took." "I didn't take one!" "What business is it of yours anyway?" "Where can we talk?" "I know, follow me." "For the last time, I'm telling everything I know." "And I don't have the slightest clue what Olympia is?" "Excuse me, Dad." "Did you want a drink?" "Fruit juice, honey." "Vodka tonic" "I'm sure we can swing that." "I never touch alcohol." "Dulls the senses." "You're full of shit." "Hi, there." "We're talking big-people talk." "Did you hear that?" "Here, here." "Money." "For you." "Thanks." "Don't do that" "Why?" "I'm showing him how you got elected." "Play with me." "I can't right now Davy." "But, here." "See, take this and run along." "Give me the gun." "You go hide." "I'll count from 100 and then come find you." "Okay?" "Skedaddle." "One hundred ninety-nine....." "Okay, where were we?" "Maybe you weren't involved in Charlie's death but you're involved somehow." "I'm involved?" "What about you?" "You were sitting in a dead man's car." "Now you know." "I enjoy spending time with dead men." "You don't believe me?" "Go ahead and die." "It'll perk me up." "You..." "Someone's here for you." "Good afternoon, sirs." "Colonel Paul Tanner, NSA." "President Haney must meet with the both of you as quickly as possible." "We have transportation to Camp David." "How'd you find us here?" "We know where you are at all times, sir." "That's our business." "Major is there a problem?" "The flight to Camp David isn't this long." "My orders didn't mention Camp David." "We were told we were going to Camp David to see Haney." "Sir, as far as know, President Haney's at the White House." "Something's wrong." "Now what?" "Haney's in Washington." "They are taking us out in the middle of nowhere." "That duplicitous little turd." "I want to speak to the White House." "I'm sorry." "I've been. instructed to maintain radio silence." "Then put this bird on the ground, now!" "That's an order." "Respectfully sir, I can't do that." "My orders are classified." "All right....." "Land this contraption or I'll blow your head off!" "You said you wanted to maintain radio silence..." "What the hell?" "!" "Don't shoot a gun in a confined area!" "You want to deafen us." "Just get out of the chopper." "Get out of the chopper!" "The crops?" "Get out!" "What we do now?" "It's our butts if we let them out of sight." "If I have to get a hearing aid after this, I'm sending you the bill." "if I have to listen to you bitch, I'll beat you to death with my shoe!" "Now what the hell are they doing?" "Get out of here!" "Go on, get going!" "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "They're not leaving." "Maybe if you make a scary face....." "Wait a minute, Einstein." "We never had to leave the chopper!" "You've got their gun!" "We could've made them take us back to Washington." "Now you figure that out!" "As usual, a Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat wanders in the woods." "Flag them down." "Come on down." "Bring it down." "Bring...it...down!" "They're down." "I don't believe this it's madness." "You know what gives me the red ass?" "The red ass?" "Haney's behind all this." "Damn it, he's not going to get away with it." "We'll go public." "I'll call Kaye Griffin." "We'll go on TV and tell them about Reynolds, murder and the explosion." "Are you crazy?" "We can't go public without evidence." "We'll look like couple of morons." "The people will believe us!" "Why?" "Because we're presidents." "They won't believe us." "What are we supposed to do?" "I don't know." "Call Douglas's and Kramer's families." "Tell them the presidents're called on an emergency summit." "They will not be reachable and we have no further information." "Unless you find them in the wreckage they're still out there with about a three-hour head start." "Put up the checkpoints for ten miles around the crash site." "I want this resolved tonight." "I'm hungry." "Give me one of those Tootsie Rolls you've got." "Wait a minute." "Here's half." "You owe me." "I owe you?" "What, a penny?" "Man, you are one cheap son of a bitch." "I am one cheap son of a bitch." "That's what'll save our backsides!" "I had the White House kitchen staff track every meal." "They have a record of everything served, and to whom." "You're cheaper than I thought." "Stow it, sailor!" "The log will prove Haney was at that lunch with Reynolds." "And it's not in the National Archives, it's in my presidential library in Ohio." "So I just call the library and have them fax the records to key people." "No, you can't call." "Somebody wants us dead, when they find we're not, they'll look for us." "They'll be tapping phones." "Our home phones, office phones....." "How'll we contact the library?" "it's a nice night to walk to Ohio." "We don't know what state we're in." "Come on, Grandpa." "What'd you say?" "You heard me." "Try to keep up with me, buster." "Joe Hollis?" "Thank you." "Hello, Joe." "What an unexpected and blood-curdeling surprise." "Just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside." "What've you heard about the scandal?" "Not a word." "Excuse me, my salad's getting cold." "Kramer's office cancelled all of his appointments." "He's disappeared." "I have a tough time keeping track of the Democrats" "Douglas disappeared too." "What a coincidence." "If I hear so much as one word, you'll be the first to know." "Come on, what's going on here?" "Is it possible Kramer and Douglas are in on this together?" "Over their dead bodies." "How's it going?" "Are you them?" "Are you the real guys?" "Yeah, we are." "Oh, man!" "I think you're awesome." "No fair peeking." "Sorry about that." "I'm just kidding." "I think you're doing a great job too." "It's an honor." "No." "I can't shake right now." "I have to keep my hands on the first penis." "No problem." "it's a pleasure to meet ya!" "The first penis?" "I think that's what I'll call it from now on." "What do you think, Blinky?" "What's the deal?" "Bobby didn't say anything about presidents." "Figured I was working alone." "It don't matter none." "What's your name?" "Matt Douglas." "No, stupid." "I know you're supposed to look like." "What are your real names?" "Tom and..." "This is Blinky." "Tom and Blinky." "I'm Francis." "Let's get one thing straight." "No sharing tips. it's every man for himself until we get to Cleveland." "Now let's rock and roll..." "We'll be right there." "Cleveland?" "We're out of the woods, Blinky." "You dirty son of a" "Hey, everybody." "Thank you very much." "This is going to be fun." "It's spooky." "He really looks like him." "His nose is bigger." "Have you ever met the real President Kramer?" "Actually, I have." "A great American." "Give me a break." ""Our dreams are like children." "They need to be nurtured." ""They need to be supported."" ""They need to eat vegetables."" "Prick." "This is so weird." "I shouldn't tell you this, but two years ago I had a thing with the real Douglas, at a Fourth of July do." "And we did it." "How about that." "Stick a fork in him, he's done." "He was a president." "He had his four years." "We don't need another crappy book." "I thought he was a good president." "All these old guys want to stay in the game, but they don't have it." "Lie down, you're dead and you don't know it." "Did you see that?" "A muscle spasm." "I've been getting them lately." "I'm terribly sorry." "There it goes again." "It just seems that-- It's very embarrassing." "I better take my medication." "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how was he?" "Any good?" "It was a lot like his presidency." "There was a lot of talk leading up to it, then he didn't do much." "Excuse me." "Douglas, this thing stops in Akron which isn't far from Cuyahoga Falls, where my library is." "What's it doing there?" "Weren't you born in Cleveland?" "Yeah, but Cleveland wouldn't cut me a decent deal on property taxes." "Moving that house was a bitch." "But the financial benefits have been fantastic." "I don't think we'll make it to Akron" "Let's start at the front and move back." "Meet us at the next station." "That's where we'll pull them off." "Oh, great." "The end of the line." "My God!" "How will we do this?" "Simple." "Jump, tuck, and roll." "It's all hay and grass out there." "It's the "amber waves of grain...'" "I can't." "You can." "I can't!" "You can do it!" "I can't" "Close your eyes." "We'll jump together." "Don't give me that." "I can't do this!" "close them!" "Count!" "One!" "Two!" "God, that felt good." "One, two, three." "Jesus." "Where are you?" "Damn it!" "Stop yelling, you dick." "Where are you?" "I'm over here." "Nice "amber waves."" "I got a chunk of "purple mountain majesty" up my ass." "Here." "Just don't." "Just don't help me." "I don't need you helping me." "That's fine by me." "Let's go." "Do you smell food?" "I'm out of money." "Lend me five bucks for a burger." "What kind of burger?" "The one with bacon." "it's $1.99." "You want $5 to buy a $1.99 hamburger?" "And you wonder why the Democrats are in trouble." "We got company." "Do you know who those two guys are?" "They're presidents." "Cool." "Presidents of what?" "Cleveland, Ohio." "I hope this works." "We have no other choice." "Hi." "I'm Matt Douglas." "This is President Kramer." "How do you do?" "I'm sure it's a bit overwhelming for you to meet us like this." "We're on a fact-finding mission for the Interstate Commerce Commission." "Headed for Ohio?" "We have to ride with you so we can gain a personal perspective on the transportation capabilities of our interstate system." "Nobody rides for free." "Cost you 50 bucks." "We don't have any cash." "I'll take your watch." "You must be joking." "That's a Constellation." "It was given to me by Gorbachev." "This really steams my clams." "There are two watches like that in the entire world." "Reagan has one, and now Shamu, the killer hick, has the other." "Shut up." "We don't want to piss her off." "These burritos, really great." "Better you're eating them." "I'm dieting." "Really?" "You don't need to." "What's wrong with you?" "I'm obese." "I don't think you are." "You must be one of those rare gals who look good carrying an extra one-, two hundred pounds." "What are you saying?" "I'm a fat pig." "You Washington boys don't know the truth when it bites you in the butt." "Nice job not pissing her off." "So, what are we hauling?" "Nothing exciting." "Farm equipment." "I must pull over." "Not to worry anybody, but you might want to make a run for it." "What the hell...?" "Come on, come on, come on." "Halt." "Stop where you are." "Immigration and Naturalization Service." "What?" "Farm equipment!" "I knew that damn broad was trouble." "All I care is that chopper's not for us." "That chopper's for us." "This is INS One-One." "You are interfering with an official operation." "Vacate the area." "We are in the middle of a highly classified NSA peration." "You are ordered to leave the area." "I will not abort my mission without verification of your authority." "Verification acknowledged." "Have a nice night." "Señores down here!" "What do you have?" "Nothing over here!" "Let's face it, Douglas." "We're dead." "They not kill you, Señor." "They send you back." "You wait one month then you try again." "I try four times already." "I love this country." "Do me a favor." "Put "el socko" in it." "Don't mind him." "He's just cranky 'cause he has a tiny penis." "What's your name?" "Ernesto." "What's yours?" "Russell with the tiny penis?" "Bingo." "Are you talking about me?" "Are you cold?" "Here." "Take this." "No, no, it's okay." "Take it." "I could be dead soon." "I won't need it." "Now you take this." "No, don't worry about it." "Take it." "You give to me now, I give to you." "it's helped me get to my new home." "Maybe this'll help you get where you have to go." "Thanks." "Damn it." "They're coming." "You're crazy." "It is true!" "Everyone in this country has a gun." "There he goes!" "My coat." "They think he's me." "He's not, so he'll be okay." "Let's get out of here." "Oh, hey, by the way..." "I speak Spanish fluently..." "Let's talk." "Why?" "I'm bored." "I have nothing to say." "I have nothing to say to you We can still talk" "My parents proved that conclusively." "What do you miss most about the office?" "I don't miss anything." "I don't live in the past." "What about Rita?" "God, I do miss Rita." "Greatest cook the White House ever had." "The only cook the White House ever had." "She started with Washington." "When I couln't sleep, I'd go downstairs and she'd make a dessert" "It was cream puff with raspberry sauce and, I don't know....." "Did you ever had one of her pizzas?" "It was like a wet dream with a crust." "A wet dream?" "I don't need to hear Russell Kramer saying the words, "wet dream."" "I'll wake up screaming every night." "There's nothing wrong with wet dreams." "Stop." "I had a few as a kid." "I'll look for the exhibit in your library." "Okay." "I got one." "When you were in the White House, who were you most excited to meet?" "Nelson Mandela" "I'm not a reporter." "Ella Fitzgerald." "Mandela was a great man, but he couldn't sing." "Joe DiMaggio." "That was a thrill." "What?" "Eighty million." "That's how many people voted against me last time out." "That's how many people didn't trust me, didn't like me didn't....." "Who knows?" "I stayed in bed for a week and a half after they voted me out." "Let's stop talking." "We're about to bond." "I'll vomit" "Go to hell." "Now that's better." "What time you got?" "Screw you." "Hold it, hold it." "I think I hear people." "Wayne, slow down." "That bacon doesn't have wings... it won't fly away." "I want to get back on the road." "Sweet Jesus." "Good morning." "It's wonderful to see an American family out enjoying the splendor of our land." "President Kramer?" "Yes, ma'am." "I'm so pleased to meet you." "Sit down." "That's all." "You can put it at ease." "I'm on a fact-finding mission from the Department of the interior." "Are the rest areas conveniently located and well maintained?" "Oh, yes, sir." "'Morning." "President Douglas." "it's been a delight speaking to you." "Don't forget, these woods are your heritage." "Enjoy them and protect them." "They deserve our respect." "These trees are like our children." "Get in the damn car!" "We're just south of Galax, Virginia." "In a few miles we hit 77." "That takes us directly into Ohio." "We're fine." "Unless we run into trouble." "Which I predict we won't." "If you told us how important the mission was we'd have loaned you the car straight out." "Again, we apologize, but those boys from the Department of the Interior can be very secretive." "We're just happy you're headed for Cleveland." "We're happy to do our part." "Another out-of-state license plate." "We're hoping to spot all 50 states." "We're getting there." "Can anyone make that one out?" "Looks llike a "U."" "Utah!" "That's a U.S. government plate." "Guy looks like a cop." "Hey, good buddy!" "God bless America!" "Hey, goodbuddy!" "God bless America!" "Keep on trucking!" "Wave, Kevin!" "He wasn't too friendly now, was he?" "Mom, the Presidents are squishing me!" "Isn't this fun?" "We're never getting to Ohio." "Not the way this guy drives." "Every 500 feet they stop to take another damn picture." "The Donner Party moved faster." "Shut up." "I'm trying to sleep." "Oh, my God he's squeezing my breast again." "This time, pretend not to enjoy it." "Shut your cakehole, Douglas." "We'd have been fine outside in the tent, but thanks for sharing the beds." "It means a lot." "You know, we voted for you." "I'm sorry about that, sir." "We're Republicans." "At least you can admit it." "That's the first step towards recovery." "I'm hot." "How much longer to Cleveland?" "I may have to call the department, tell them when to expect us." "About eight to ten hours." "After we drop you off i might take the family up to see Mount Rushmore." "One of America's greatest natural wonders, son." "Not really." "It's not a natural wonder" "A man by the name of Gutzon Borglum carved it." "Someone carved it?" "That ruins the whole thing." "Diaper Patrol, Matt." "We'll need those Pampers again." "Oh, boy....." "Is he healthy?" "Who's on Mount Rushmore?" "There's Abe Lincoln." "He chopped down the cherry tree." "There's Franklin Theodore Roosevelt." "He kilt him a bear when he was only three." "You got to be kidding, right?" "Lincoln's mixed up with Washington." "Roosevelt, with Davy Crockett." "Do you have any idea what you're talking about?" "No disrespect, sir, but you're in my car." "You're in my country." "Our country." "Get your facts straight." "How do you expect your son to respect history?" "That kind of ignorance is dangerous." "What about our nation right now?" "Wayne, don't." "The country's falling apart." "People are losing their homes." "They can't find work." "You're talking about ignorance." "You're the ignorant ones." "Both of ya." "You've ignored the voice of the people." "The voice of the people." "There is no such thing." "You got 240 million voices all yelling for something different." "The only thing you all agree on is you don't want higher taxes." "The voice of the people." "My fanny." "Pull over, Wayne." "Kevin, run, throw this in the trash for Mama, okay?" "There we go." "Please get out of our car." "Listen, I'm sorry....." "We invited you into our home not our car." "Our home." "We lost our jobs because of your budget cuts, President Kramer." "And we lost our home because of your economic downturn President Douglas." "All we have now is the slim chance of a job at my uncle's factory in Cleveland." "So I will ask you once again....." "Please get out of our car." "Joe, it's me." "Where are you?" "What's going on?" "I'm with Kramer." "Are you kidding me?" "Haney had Charlie Reynolds killed, now they're trying to kill us." "What?" "Haney?" "I'm pretty sure." "He sent Marine One for us." "We escaped before it blew up." "My God." "I didn't want to call anyone, but you're the only person I trust." "Listen, get in touch with the CIA contacts." "See if they can find out what this is about." "Keep out of sight." "It's okay." "I haven't seen any NSA today so I'm guessing we lost them." "They're moving north." "What a coincidence" "So are we." "Oh, baby." "Excuse me." "How much is that piece of pie?" "$1.50." "Never mind." "But thank you." "Here you go." "It's on the house." "I'm sorry I couldn't do that." "I said it was on the house, old man." "Old man?" "!" "Old man." "Okay, let's go." "What's wrong?" "I just want to get out of here." "I'm calling my wife." "I don't give a damn if the phone is tapped." "Do what you want, but when the NSA shows up, we'll know who gave us away." "Good morning." "Oh, my!" "Oh, my!" "is this for real?" "Is this a joke or what?" "No, it's really us." "No!" "Get out of here!" "Get out!" "What's wrong?" "Oh, my God!" "President Douglas!" "And President Kramer!" "On our shift!" "We'd like to rent a car." "We only have two cars left because of the livestock auction." "Would you like a Hyundai or a Lexus?" "Stupid' stupid, stupid." "Oh, I'm sorry!" "Miss Airhead at your service." "Now we'll need to see some identification, please." "Well?" "What?" "I haven't driven myself since my first year in the House." "Give me a second." "There, like riding a bike." "Will you stop whistling please?" "I'm trying to sleep over here." "Sleeping too much is a sign of depression." "Keep whistling and I'll put a depression in your skull." "We've. got eight hours before we get to the library." "I'm trying to stay alert." "I hate that song." "So do I" "I made up words to the damn thing." "I made up words to "Hail to the Chief." I sing them to myself when I hear it." "I made up words too." "Let me hear yours." "You go first." "No, you do yours, then I'll sing mine." ""Hail to the Chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing." ""He is the Chief, so everybody hail like crazy."" "That's more or less how it..." "Let's hear your version, Gershwin." ""No?" I sang mine." "You're an idiot." "CNN's set up near the park." "Maybe you should put this on." "Not so fast, Carl." "Slow down." "I don't like people running faster than I do." "It makes me look poky." "Sorry." "Lakers?" "I thought we were sold in Los Angeles." "You cut back on disaster relief." "Too fast again." "I don't want to wear this I'm a Houston fan" "Hey, a hat." "Kaye Griffin called today." "She's ready to report that Douglas and Kramer have disappeared and are working to expose a cover-up." "I'll look into it." "You better." "I want those idiots found before they dig any deeper." "What are you doing?" "I needed a cup of coffee." "Good." "Did you get me one?" "You cheap bastard." "I only had 50 cents." "Give me a sip." "Yeah, I'm about to share coffee with the Washington love machine." "No dice." "You could spit in a petri dish and start a whole civilization." "Here, want to lick the lid?" "Screw,you." "Give me that." "Decaf, you pussy." "I must go find a john." "Agent Wilkerson." "We have a reason to believe your life is in danger." "We must transfer you out of the area." ""Aye, Macarena!"" "If you could just step out of the car" "Jesus!" "Hurry up!" "Get in!" "Did we get collision coverage?" "Why?" "Nothing." "Look out!" "Hold on!" "Get it out." "I'm trying." "I can't see!" "Get it out!" "Go!" "Nice going, Mario." "Shut up." "That way!" "Oh, not good." "Come on, let's go." "Now what?" "Just blend in" "How are you?" "President Kramer?" "President Douglas?" "This is amazing." "We march in these all the time" "My Lord and Taylor!" "What are you doing?" "Are you coming out?" "No, no." "I've always supported gay rights." "I'm not coming out." "He is." "Closet case." "Sad" "You talking about me?" "Don't hide who you really are." "Be brave Here." "Don't hide who you really are." "Be brave." "Here it's a freedom-ring necklace." "Wear it with pride." "Come here" "What's wrong?" "I don't think you can help." "Unless you and your ruby slippers can get us to Cuyahoga Falls." "I have some friends who might help." "After that bike ride, I'm changing my position on an important issue." "I think the military can definitely use some of those gals." "Now is this impressive or what?" "Research room is down that way." "Wait a minute." "Oh, my." "Oh, my." "How about this?" "Oh, you got to be kidding." "Our dreams are like our children." "Don't you fall into the trap." "Democrats are full of crap." "Anything you really like, I can get it for you at cost." "I feel dirty." "Have you found it yet?" "Working on it." "You never got this." "I was Time's Man of the Year." "So was Hitler." "Not twice." "Here it is." ""Chef's log:" "October 14th, lunch, Oval Office..." ""..." "President Kramer and Charles Reynolds." ""Ham-and-cheese omelettes." "$6.95 each." What...?" "Where's Haney?" "He isn't here." "They must've fixed this book too." "They knew we were coming." "Where's your gun?" "I have it." "In my coat." "Get that light." "Great job, Douglas." "Oh, God, it's Ben." "Hurry up with the ice." "Excuse me!" "I don't know my way ... around Kramer World." "Lucky for you we came along when we did." "You were in a bad way." "I can't say I recall that ever happening before a book just falling off a shelf like that." "Is there any way someone could have broken in here?" "No, sir." "Not on my shift." "I just remembered." "A young lady gave me an envelope for you." "Told me to be sure you got it." "She said she was a friend from Washington." "What is this?" ""Dear Mr. President:" "My name is Kathleen Taylor." ""I'm Charles Reynolds' secretary." ""Mr. Reynolds has disappeared." "I don't know who to turn to." ""The last people he spoke with were you, President Douglas and Carl Witnaur."" "Haney's chief of staff." "That son of a bitch." "He lives outside of D.C. in Chevy Chase." "I was there recently for a dinner." "My God, did he put on a spread!" "Those little chicken livers wrapped with bacon on tooth picks-- And the dip for the broccoli....." "Could you focus, please!" "I'm sorry." "Look, if we left....." "If we left now, we could get there by early morning." "We need to borrow your car, okay?" "Do I have a choice?" "Then it's okay." "Honey, you're hurting me." "Better her than me, Carl." "This is Douglas." "I'm with Kramer and a gun's pressed to your head." "Well, I'm assuming that's your head." "This is unbelievable." "How dare you?" "Witnaur, we'll ask this just once." "What is Olympia and who is behind it?" "I don't know what you talking about." "I'm glad to see you." "it's good to see you too, Joe." "We could use a little help out here." "Wait a minute." "Is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold?" "Come on in." "Carl, my cla buddies were clueless about what you're up to but they gave me something for this." "So, my boy hope this goes well, it's all new to me." "I'm not even sure about the dosage but what do you say we wing it?" "You don't scare me." "I'm not trying to." "We don't want to see this." "Right." "Enjoy the ride." "Damn vein." "it's wanting to jump around." "There it is, you bugger." "There it is." "I'll talk." "I'll talk..." "I like to talk." "it's amazing." "Haney needed to spin-dry the kickback money." "That's how Olympia came in." "It was a front company." "I never ordered anyone to kill you." "But you ordered the cover-up." "The appointment log at the national Archives the book in your library....." "All that was done at my request." "What about Charlie Reynolds?" "Were you in charge to take care of him?" "No, I never ordered anyone to kill him." "Who said he was dead?" "Look, Tanner." "I'm telling you, it was Tanner." "This guy is out of control." "That's a lot of bull!" "You're saying a rogue agent turned hitman in your ranks?" "I don't believe it." "You had Tanner put us on that chopper and you pushed the button!" "Chopper?" "What chopper?" "Looks like Tanner's been getting his orders from Haney." "What do we do?" "You got a few options." "You can go to the White House and tell Haney what you know." "To get to him you must go through Tanner, who'll kill you." "What's the other one?" "You got a confession on tape." "Go to the press." "I'll call Kaye and by noon Washington will be up to its knees in Olympia." "Call her?" "You're doing the smart thing." "Damn!" "Damn!" "What?" "If we go public, there'll be another cover-up." "Witnaur might pay a price but the big fish's going to get away." "Are we willing to let that happen?" "We've done enough already." "No, I made a career of doing enough." "I always did just enough not to piss anybody off 'cause a pissed-off person won't vote for you." "it's a part of the game." "Tell that to Wayne and Jenny and their kids living in their car." ""I'm sorry things are tough." ""I've been playing the game." I can't play it anymore." "I'm going to see Haney." "Hold on, Rambo." "Joe said you can't get past Tanner." "I don't care." "I'm going." "You're a damn fool." "You're probably right." "But you know something, somewhere out there there's another fool." "Some idealist sucker who still believes in us." "After all the scandals and the party politics and all the bull someone out there believes we care and will do what we promise." "And that's what I'm doing now." "I'm doing what I promised." "Preserve, protect and defend." "Because if we lose that idealistic, gloriously deluded fool out there, hey it's all over." "Thank God you never spoke like this during our debates." "My margin of loss would've been staggering." "All right." "Let's do it." "You sure?" "If I can ride 300 miles at top speed holding onto a lesbian's midsection I can handle Tanner." "If we do get to Haney." "...how do we know he'll cooperate?" "I'm bringing Witnaur with us." "Learn from the master." "Gentlemen Kaye's on her way over." "Change of plans." "Mr. Kramer and Mr. Douglas are going to Washington." "Kramer and Douglas broke into Witnaur's house and kidnapped him." "We're just now hearing about it?" "His lady called the White House." "They thought it was a prank." "Enough." "We better button up the White House." "If they get to the president the game's over." "'Morning, Rita." "How're you?" "I'd be doing better if I had your blueberry muffins." "Soon as I tend to the president, I'll see what I can do." "What's back there?" "Picked up a lot of fresh produce at the farmer's market." "Have a pick if you like." "That's okay, Rita." "You have a good one." "Thanks." ""Have a pick if you like"?" "You're lucky I didn't have a stroke." "Wasn't that little risky?" "Mr. Presidents, please hush up." "If you're in my car, you're produce." "Mr. President we're ready' sir." "The ceremony honoring the Dutch resistance during World War II?" "Highlight of my day." "Who cares about the damn Dutch anyway?" "Vice President Mathews is going?" "Let's avoid a possible embarrassment, okay?" "Remind him these people are from the Netherlands, not nether regions." "Oh, and have we heard from Witnaur?" "No, Mr. President." "Thank you." "Gather around everyone." "The tour's about to begin." "Come on in." "Come in, you in the back." "We can't go that way." "A million people come to the White House every year." "Better smile, they'll know we're here in ten seconds." "Come on." "Are you ready for the tour?" "What are you doing?" "!" "It's the only way we'll get to Haney." "Mr. President and Mr. President." "The tour guides are the hardest working people in the White House." "As a way of saying "Thank you" President Kramer and I lead your tour ourselves." "We'll what?" "You get the Oval Office....." "Who knows this place better than us?" "Let's go." "Gather around." "Follow your presidents." "Come along." "This is going to be fun for you." "...they're in." "How?" "They used the tour." "This is the Green Room." "It's a room -it's green." "Hence the name." "Any questions?" "Not me." "Okay, shall we?" "That's it?" "Go, go, go." "We grab them as soon as we can." "Lots of people have seen them." "They met here to take the chopper to the ceremonies where the president was to meet them later." "The crash site is still secure We just adjust the time of the crash." "It could work." "I'll stay near Hayne." "As soon as you get them, call me." "Occasionally we. use this as a shortcut to the Oval Office." "Let's pick up the pace." "The older folks are dragging us down." "There's no way they can get out of the building." "We've sealed off the West Wing." "Guest quarters." "Unlock the door." "Come on." "That desk belonged to Jefferson." "The Declaration of Independence could have been written on it." "Tom isn't here to help me pick it up, so move your ass!" "Mr. Presidents, please!" "When we think of the Netherlands, no doubt we have images of a tranquil land dotted with picturesque windmills." "Good." "Secure the room, but do not move in until I get there." "And Wilkerson, call the press." "I found Haney." "He's on the South Lawn." "I don't like this." "They've pinned us here for 15 minutes." "What're they doing?" "Preparing for our funeral." "The report just came in from the White House." "The helicopter went down over the Blue Ridge ountains." "President Kramer and President Douglas were reportedly on board." "Search teams are speeding to the area." "Phone's dead." "What are you doing?" "During my years here, a butler told me about a secret door in this room" "The "Kennedy Door" he called it." "I think it was just a story." "It's here" "I almost forgot." "What are you looking at?" "You been down to the farmer's market lately?" "it's brutal." "I used this thing for a couple of midnight rendezvous." "I'll never forget this one girl" "She was a stewardess." "I don't need to know." "She was also a contortionist." "Go on." "She" " Later." "Right now, we must get to that ceremony." "If we can get ourselves seen on TV everyone will know we're not dead in the mountains and tanner is out of business." "Break it." "Where the hell are they?" "Hurry up." "Be glad I'm not Gerry Ford." "We would be lying at the bottom of the stairs." "It's been a while, but I think the way out is down to the left." "God, this whole thing is crazy." "I can't figure how a twisted psycho like Tanner end up in the NSA." "I know." "Why isn't he in the postal service where he belongs?" "Great." ""down and to the left."" "Oh, cork it." "It's not the end of the world." "Hello, sirs." "No need for concern it's only me, the twisted psycho." "We won't have a long chat." "I don't think I can stand to listen to you for another second." "I'll just kill you." "Who goes first?" "The old man, or the ladies' man?" "Nice work, Russell." "Thank you." "I must change my shorts now." "Pennsylvania Avenue's almost clear." "Here we are." "Watch it, watch it." "It's the North Lawn." "We're on the other side of where we want to be." "Good going." "I didn't build the damn tunnel" "Now what?" "Who am I, fucking MacGyver?" "I make this up as I go along." "Over there!" "Hang on!" "Hold it!" "Stop right there!" "Get off the horse!" "We can't get cars through the block." "Run after them, I'll cut them off." "When this is over, let's come back and look for my balls." "Mr. Presidents, stop!" "Marksmen, intruders, North Lawn." "This is Tanner going to intercept." "Shoot to kill!" "We're moving into position now." "Wait, hold your fire." "That's Presidents Kramer and Douglas." "That's impossible!" "The presidents are dead!" "Shoot them!" "Repositioning to the south." "These people, bound by love of country, risked their lives" "Open the gate!" "Nice horsey." "Oh, God!" "On your command, sir." "I gave you a direct order!" "Shoot!" "Lieutenant Fleming request...permission to shoot." "Duck!" "It was a struggle for democracy." "For truth" "We must fire, sir!" "It was a struggle between life and death." "Those are the presidents." "In conclusion, I'd like to say that it is our pleasure to welcome these Dutch resistance fighters here" "Would somebody go collect Blinky?" "Let him come ahead." "What a surprise!" "Ladies gentlemen President Matthew Douglas." "Thank you." "Thank you." "We have to talk now." "Haney had to spin-dry the kickback money." "That's how Olympia came in." "Russell, please." "There must be a way around this." "I'll give you anything you want." "I have money." "Pardon?" "Are you honestly saying that Russell P. Kramer can be bought?" "Shut up." "Why resign?" "I know nothing about Reynold's death or the crash." "Okay, all right." "I admit I used the office." "But how is that different from what you're doing?" "You made money from this office." "Two things." "One..." "I never did anything illegal." "Big difference." "Two..." "I never did it for money." "Come on!" "Sure you did!" "No, no, you just don't get it." "My books, personal appearances, I do them so people still know I'm here." "So they don't forget me." "And so I can get just a little taste of what it's like to be what I was." "This office has done a lot for me!" "Now I'll do something for it..." "get you out!" "Excuse me, sirs." "I'm Agent Kopeck, in charge of the White House detail." "This is Officer Ralph Fleming." "He stopped Colonel Tanner." "Thank you Ralph." "You saved our lives." "it's an honor to meet you, son." "Actually, we've met before..." "We have?" "Where?" "Somewhere... "over the rainbow."" "And so it is with a heavy heart and ironically, a weak heart that I resign from the office of President of the United States." "Poor President Haney." "Don't you worry, Rita." "He'll be just fine." "You haven't lost your touch." "I miss you too." "I was finally getting used to him." "Now I must start all over again." "President Matthews." "Who would have ever thought of that.?" "President Matthews." "There's only one way that moron was ever going to become president." "Either Haney would be assassinated or he'd have to resign." "I'm convinced that it's for the nation's good that I step aside." "Two more minutes." "Thank you." "I'll be ready." "We need to talk, and right now." "Will you excuse us a minute?" "What's up?" "We figured it out." "You'll never get away with it." "I already did." "Chief Justice Rehnquist just swore me in." "I'm about to go on television and reluctantly accept my charge." "You sent Tanner to kill us." "We investigate Olympia, wind up dead, it gets tied to Haney." "Either way, he goes down." "You're right." "Only a few unfortunate deaths but they can be blamed on Tanner." "He won't be a Joint Chief after all." "How do you explain us being here?" "Are we both dead?" "Your chopper definitely went down." "Thankfully it turned out you weren't on board." "Press secretary's already apologized for any confusion." "Thirty seconds." "Thank you." "Well, gentlemen if you ask me, this whole thing's been a real coup." "Funny thing, isn't it?" "Everyone thinks I'm an idiot." "But nobody knows it was all just a big facade." "Who's the idiot now?" "Good to see you." "Welcome home, sir." "I guess that's all she wrote." "Want to know what gives me the red ass?" "He damn near got away with it." "What do you mean "damn near"?" "You got the whole conversation on tape?" "I learned from the master." "The only problem is if I drop this off at CNN Matthews gets thrown out according to the 25th Amendment the Speaker of th House will become preseident." "God, anybody but him." "Tell me about it." "But I guess we have no choice." "We did everything we could." "I'll go home, kiss my wife, take a shower and go to bed for a month." "Sounds good." "You know something?" "I must tell you....." "After going through this whole thing i've realized i really don't like you." "No kidding." "That's not what I wanted to say." "The thing is I don't like you." "But I think I'm going to miss you." "If we hadn't spent 30 years hating each other's guts we might have been friends." "I think I'll stop there because I feel the goat cheese pizza backing up on me." "You take care of yourself." "And don't jump off trains." "I was pushed." "Same difference." ""Hail to the Chief, if you don't I'll have to kill you." ""I am the Chief." ""So you better watch your step, you bastards."" "We're even." "I was told what you went through." "It's amazing." "Yes, I guess it was." "Now you can go home to Cleveland for a well-deserved rest." "When it comes time for a rest there's no place like Cleveland." "This must've been a difficult experience." "It was pretty bad." "But on some level I enjoyed it." "It was just nice to do something and have a goal again." "I think it was a great service you did for your country." "Most people would've given up." "You and President Kramer did everything you could." "I'm proud to be attached to you." "No, Chet you're wrong." "We didn't do everything we could." "Nine months after he took the oath of office former president and convicted felon Ted Matthews." "...today began serving his sentence at a federal prison in Stafford, Virginia." "But, unlike other political scandals of the past this one as spawned an unusual coupling." "For that story, we take you to correspondent Kaye Griffin." "Two of America's biggest political rivals are making history." "Running together as independents are ex-Presidents Kramer and Douglas." "I come to this country with those fellows." "However we don't know who will be running as president and who as vice president." "I'm not ashamed to say it, I slept with both those guys." "My love." "Any words of wisdom?" "Of course." "Don't be a frigging fool." "Please, if you're going to use the F-word, go for the gold." "Excuse us." "Ready to face the voting public?" "Let's do it." "I'll make the announcement." "You're saying I'm going to be president and you vice president, correct?" "After all we did, you still don't trust me?" "I trust you." "Thank you." "Like you me." "I'll announce it." "We agreed that I would do it." "Let go, please." "No I won't." "I'm not letting go either." "Move, old man." "No way, sleazebag." "Money!" "Did you drop that?" "Yeah, that's mine." "My fellow Americans..." "You son of a"