"[Music playing]" "NARRATOR:" "Due to the content of the following motion" "Picture... [music playing]" "MAN:" "Slip." "That's right, Dan." "NARRATOR:" "Viewer discretion advised." "[Screaming]" "Hi." "Hi." "[Screaming]" "Justice in this country has faltered." "Issues that were once black and white are now gray." "And perhaps the greatest blow to this state's political right" "Is the outlying of capital punishment." "And what does that mean?" "It means we're having a blowout clearance sale!" "Hey, I got gas chambers." "I got electric chairs." "I got..." "Hi." "That's right, Dan." "Now only 39.99." "Only used once." "OK, twice." "But he was real thin." "Made in Holland." "Real wood." "That's wood." "Wood, wood." "[Harmonica playing]" "Did you hear about Luke?" "Luke?" "What happened to Luke?" "He's riding through Apache country." "They strung him up, left him to bake in the sun." "Apache justice." "It must have taken him six days to die of thirst." "I've seen worse." "Me too." "Well, who hasn't?" "Hey, no one has suffered more than me." "I lasted 20 days in the desert, no food or water." "My tongue swollen, blinded by a scorpion sting." "I had to crawl by my sense of touch till I found water." "It was a miracle that I made it at all." "Goddamn cakewalk." "Summer vacation." "COWBOY 1:" "Hey, I ain't saying I ain't seen worse." "I'll tell you about pain." "I'm working at a blacksmith's shop." "Horse kicks me across the room, breaks my neck, snaps my spine." "And I gouged my eyes out on two red hot pokers." "I'm laying there, totally paralyzed, couldn't move." "I crawled across the room with my tongue," "Forged a new nervous system out of clay, used my face." "Stood up, popped my eyes back in, finished shoeing the horse." "Don't tell me about pain." "It still hurts when I... when I look." "So what was the painful part?" "I've put in new eyes three times this month." "Yeah, well, who hasn't?" "I'm just telling you the last time I did it." "COWBOY 2:" "It's not as bad as the time I" "Fell off the cliffs of Carmel." "Fell 1,000 feet to the rocks below, broke into 53" "Pieces, washed out to sea." "Sharks smelled the blood from 600 miles away." "They ate me in seconds, shit me out." "I washed back ashore." "It took me 10 years to put myself back together, boys." "At times, I just wanted to give up." "Quitter." "It happens to everybody." "COWBOY 1:" "At least you were still solid." "Not like me." "I was digging for gold in the high Sierras." "I dropped a match." "Blown up crate of dynamite." "Floated like a fine mist for 17 years." "Finally, I condensed on a window." "I had a chance to heal." "You talk about pain, boys." "I still get a twinge in my knee when it's cold." "Nothing matches the time I almost bled to death." "No wound ever shed more blood." "I thought I was Old Faithful." "COWBOY 2:" "My bullet wound did." "I bled for a week, a month, pumped gallons." "Oh, yeah?" "Did you ever see a wound bleed more than this?" "Right through the artery." "A wound like that will kill a man in minutes." "The most painful one ever known." "COWBOY 2:" "From a glass cut?" "Don't make me laugh." "Flesh wound, mosquito bite." "All the same." "You want to see pain?" "Hot, searing metal burning through my bone, point blank." "Now you got blood and pain." "Bullet wound." "That can't do no serious damage." "That's like saying your goddamn grace." "Amen." "Now with this dull blade, it'll probably take me 30 minutes" "To cut all the way through." "Then we'll be swimming in blood, boys." "COWBOY 2:" "Swimming?" "Shit." "I'll drown us." "Top that." "Whole back of my brain's been sheared off." "COWBOY 1:" "Ain't much to lose." "You've never seen so much blood." "You're making it easy on yourself, both of you." "I work with my hands." "[Bones cracking]" "Don't tell me." "I once through my spine out on a dare." "I had to crawl home with my lips." "Stop sawing, Bill." "I think he's got us." "[Screaming]" "Axes, guillotines, rifles for firing squads." "That little syringe that... wardens," "Can you still kill in your state?" "Give me a call." "I got it all." "Look at this fabulous gas chamber." "It could have spent the rest of time" "Eliminating the world's scum from the earth." "But now it's a sauna, a play room for the kids." "You'll always know where they are." "[Music playing]" "NARRATOR:" "It." "A tractor is always there when you least expect it." "[Screaming]" "My patient, Ted Smith, displays the most severe" "Case of multi personality ever documented" "In psychiatric history." "This study of his four complete personas" "Will guarantee me international fame and fortune." "The movie rights alone!" "[Buzz]" "Yes, Mrs. Palnor." "Doctor Dolbrite, Ted Smith is here for his one" "O'clock appointment." "Wonderful." "Send him in." "Uh, which Ted Smith is that?" "Randy Ted Smith." "Ah, yes." "A teenager." "Hi." "Hi, Doctor." "Uh, Sir." "Uh, Dol... uh, Dolbrite." "Doctor." "Sir." "Hi." "Hello, Randy Ted Smith." "How are you feeling?" "Oh, I'm OK, Doc." "Well, shall we begin where we left off?" "If you want." "That's fine if you want to." "If, um..." "I mean, if you want to, that... that's" "Fine because if... if, um... what'd you ask me?" "Now Randy, we're here to do what you want to do." "I'm here to help you." "You must consider me your friend." "Are you still having difficulty talking to girls?" "No." "Yeah." "If they're there, and I have to look." "No." "Uh-uh." "DOCTOR:" "That's fine." "You can't expect too much too soon." "You have an abnormal fear of women." "It may take years before you're comfortable being with one." "Ironic, but that's the only kind of relationship" "That will cure you." "I..." "I am kind of seeing this one girl." "Drop her." "She's a slut." "You must accentuate the negative." "It's more positive." "Now, I'd like to try some word association with you." "It's very simple." "I say a word, and then you say the first word" "That comes to your mind." "This will help me to understand your subconscious desires." "TED:" "Hey, OK." "The first word is nipple." "Bottle." "Breast." "Chicken." "69." "70." "Screwing." "Wood shop." "You're obviously obsessed with sex." "This, compounded with your fear of women," "Has led to your severe state of psychopathological micro macro" "Neuro organic condition of external internalization." "Don't you agree?" "TED:" "Well, I didn't..." "I'm not trying to put words in your mouth." "No." "DOCTOR:" "Right?" "I don't know anymore." "Um, look, I'm just saying, Doc, I mean," "Every time I go out with a girl, it's the same thing." "We go out, and I like her." "And, well, I think she likes me." "And... and then it all starts." "Tell me about it." "OK." "Every time I go out with a girl, it's always the same." "CREEPY VOICE:" "Just friends." "Just friends." "Oh, Randy, I feel a little awkward." "I like you." "I really do." "But..." "Gee, Sissy, what's wrong?" "I want to be just friends." "[Screaming]" "CREEPY VOICE:" "Just friends." "Wendy." "Just a kiss?" "You said you loved me." "I do love you, silly, but like a brother." "A brother?" "[Gasp]" "We've always thought of you as one of the family." "But keep it just friends." "[Screaming]" "CREEPY VOICE:" "Just friends." "I had a wonderful time, but I have a boyfriend." "But you didn't say..." "CREEPY VOICE:" "Just friends." "No." "No, please don't." "Wait." "Like a brother to me." "Just friends." "No sex." "TED:" "No." "No." "Spend money on me." "Like a brother to me." "Just friends." "I just want a..." "I just want a... a kiss." "No." "No." "Just friends." "Just friends." "I don't want to die a virgin." "Just friends." "No!" "Welcome to the Time Channel, cable's" "Newest network and television's only 24 hour time service." "It's 11:53 in New York." "Now off to Spidey Upman, our correspondent overseas." "Hi, Roger." "I'm here in beautiful, sunny Greece at the Svoronish Fish" "Docks just outside of Athens, where the time is 6:53." "Back to you, Rog..." "[Music playing]" "MAN:" "Slip it on." "Hi." "Welcome to Verne and Ralph's Tractor Emporium and Bait Shop." "This here is Ralph." "He's my brother." "Say hello, Ralph." "He's my brother." "OK." "This is a frying pan." "This is an egg in a frying pan." "Any questions?" "Hi." "My name's Julio, and this here is my brother Buck." "OK." "This is a blender." "This is a tennis shoe in a blender." "Any questions?" "DOCTOR (NARRATING):" "My last session" "With Ted Smith made me nervous." "The Randy personality is becoming too well adjusted." "The officers from the American Psychiatric Association" "Arrive today." "To ensure my place in history, it is imperative" "That they witness the shredded mental fabric" "Of this intensely demented man." "[Buzz]" "Yes, Mrs. Palnor." "Sir, Ted Smith is back." "Oh, that would be Lieutenant Ted Smith." "SECRETARY (ON PHONE):" "Yes, sir." "Ask him to come in." "Atten-hut." "As you were." "Well, Lieutenant Ted Smith." "I see you still have a need to control and dominate." "Not at all." "That's absurd." "Mister, you have an ashtray clearly visible on your desk." "You're in violation of city ordinance 509-306-589-182," "Which clearly prohibits the use of smoking paraphernalia" "In a public place of less than 20" "Foot by 32 foot with a ceiling of 10 foot by one inch." "Mister, you will remove your ashtray now." "Now, Lieutenant, you know if I remove this ashtray as you have" "Ordered me to do, I would be reinforcing" "Your delusions of grandeur and perpetuating" "Your mental illness." "Now shall we begin by reviewing our last session together?" "Communist faggot queer pinko bastards." "That about sums it up." "Let's move on." "Now I'd like to try an exercise with you." "Push ups?" "I can do 170 in 39 seconds flat, 494 squat flats." "No, it's not that kind of exercise." "It's designed to demonstrate your creative aptitude." "By building something useful out of common objects," "You can develop self confidence." "We'll start with three common objects." "A toothbrush." "TED:" "Yeah." "DOCTOR:" "A balloon." "TED:" "Mm-hmm." "DOCTOR:" "And half a pastrami sandwich." "When do I begin?" "You can begin now." "TED:" "Here you go." "I didn't have to use the toothbrush." "DOCTOR:" "I don't think that shows any aptitude at all." "You're obviously still a failure." "How do you account for that?" "Because of the decay of the infrastructure of society," "The infiltration of undesirable minority groups, ethnic" "Affiliators." "Why if I was running this country," "I'd do things differently." "I'd be the cotton swab that takes the wax out of the ears" "Of this great nation." "I'd be the deodorant to rob the stench out of the armpit." "I'd be the douche to take the vaginal odor out" "Of every God-fearing Christian that walked this earth." "We went into business so that we could live." "So live a little." "No." "We went into business so you could live," "And I could get an ulcer." "[Music playing]" "MAN:" "Slip." "It." "On." "Slip it on." "I could never wear one of those things." "Oh, you've got to now, man." "You've got to." "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "Hi." "Um, how about a cognac?" "BUSINESSMAN 2:" "Anything on draft." "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "Here, let's put it on the company credit card." "BUSINESSMAN 2:" "Let's not." "There's no money in the bank." "You worry too much." "Yeah, well." "If Parker pays us tomorrow..." "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "Jesus look at that." "BUSINESSMAN 2:" "Out of your league, pal." "Don't take it too hard." "Thank you." "Thanks." "I think she likes me." "I think you're dreaming." "In fact, you only read about women like that in your dreams." "You know what I'm saying?" "Cheers." "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "Uh-oh." "That's it." "That's it." "Don't even" " That's it." " Stop." " That's it." " No." "That's it." "Bad time." "Here, let me get that." "That's, uh, a great brand." "You're very attractive." "Thank you." "What was that I saw you slip into your pocket a moment ago?" "Nothing." "Yeah, right." "So where's your wife?" "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "Wife?" "Who... who can afford a wife?" "I hope that you are the discrete type." "Oh, yes." "I'm..." "I'm very discrete." "You have wonderful hands." "Thank you." "And you have wonderful..." "Hey." "You want to try to keep it decent?" "Do you want another drink?" "No, no." "Come with me." "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "Where to?" "My place." "You're so beautiful." "Don't stop." "Freeze!" "What the hell?" "What's this?" "Guns!" "Get out of my house." "This is a private home." "What are you doing?" "Do you know these people?" "No!" "I said freeze, mister." "Marijuana, sir." "Hey, wait a minute." "A .38 revolver, sir." "Hey, wait." "Now I have a permit for that." "You guys got a warrant?" "OFFICER 1:" "Read 'em and weep, mister." "Hey, wait now." "I'm not a criminal." "What are you looking for?" "No condoms, sir." "That's it." "No condoms." "Just as I suspected." "Condoms?" "You're looking for condoms?" "What do you think I'm looking for?" "Drugs?" "Guns?" "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "Well, who are you guys?" "We're PRICs, mister." "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "No kidding." "Prophylactic Regulatory Intercept Commandos." "BUSINESSMAN 1:" "This is a joke, right?" "OFFICER 2:" "Mister, there's one thing I don't kid about." "I'm talking serious." "You bet your goddamn sweet guarantee you." "You find this funny?" "You think there's something funny about spreading" "Sexual diseases?" "Well, I don't think so." "That is why it is now a crime to partake" "In unprotected sexual activity." "You're crazy!" "How... how will you ever enforce a law like that?" "OFFICER 2:" "What you got in your bloomers, mister?" "What do you think?" "I think it's a concealed weapon." "Confiscate it, Sergeant." "Hey, wait a minute." "Ow." "SERGEANT:" "How long have you known this man?" "Uh..." "OFFICER 2:" "Five years?" "Why?" "SERGEANT:" "You'll be found guilty unless you've been sexually" "Active with him only in a monogamous relationship" "For five years." "Well, a... actually, we just met." "He seduced me." "That's harassment." "Offering helpful promptings to a witness is perfectly legal." "What the hell is that?" "Blood testing machine." "This machine will determine your blood volume" "Relative to your gamma globulin fraction of immune serum" "In your blood, indicating any foul inactive diseases" "Inside you." "Ow." "I don't have any infectious diseases." "DOCTOR:" "Oh, oh, oh, oh." "Are we so sure now?" "Is that why you're so ready to dip" "Your missile without the protective silo sleeve?" "You're so familiar with your blood at a microscopic level" "That you're ready to sink your bayonet" "Free of any vulcanized sheet of temporary lamination?" "I don't think so." "Do you have any idea how much I hate you, mister?" "I don't know what you had planned." "You were going to take her to a movie, weren't you?" "Yeah." "And maybe you'd take her to a restaurant," "Have a little something nice to eat." "Weren't you going to do that, boy?" "Weren't you?" "Weren't you?" "Weren't you?" "Weren't you?" " Yes." " Don't you eyeball me." "Look at me." "Don't you eyeball me!" "And then you were going to take her home," "Whisper sweet gentle nothings into her ear, get her real" "And feel comfortable with you." "Weren't you, boy?" "Then maybe you'd take her home, sit by the fireplace," "Have a little glass of wine." "You probably drink that white wine, don't you, boy?" "You probably drink that white Chablis kind of blanc wine" "'Cause you're a faggot ass penis smoking," "Dick smoking, butt slamming..." "Boy, I know your kind." "And then just when you had her really trusting you," "Just when you were thinking every day you're apart" "Is just agony and every day together is just bliss," "That's when you'd get her." "You'd tell her things you didn't even mean." "Wouldn't you, boy?" "Wouldn't you?" "Wouldn't you?" "Yes." "Don't lie to me." "Yes." "You really would?" "You're disgusting, more than I thought you were." "And then you'd take off those little silky under things" "She wears, and you'd lick and kiss" "Every supple rosy kind of cheek kind of fat kind" "Of part of her body." "Wouldn't you, boy?" "And you'd like it too, wouldn't you?" "Yeah." "You make me sick." "And then when you least expected it," "You'd look at her right in the eye, leaning over." "You'd nibble on her lip." "And then blam-o." "Yeah." "In fact, that was the idea." "You know I'd kill every last one of you if I had the chance." "Give me a terrorist bombing any day." "It's much more honest." "OK." "Finished, gentlemen." "So what now?" "The test results will take six months to process." "So I..." "I guess I'm free to go." "Take the evidence, corporal." "Ow!" "You'll be required to wait for said test results" "At the expense of the state at a duly appointed" "Place of incarceration." "You're putting me in prison?" "Where they have an adequate supply of condoms." "Ow!" "Don't pull on that." "Young lady, are you all right?" "Yes." "I think so." "SERGEANT:" "Good." "Test her, doctor." "What?" "No!" "No, please." "Please, no." "No." "Well, good work, sergeant." "We're living in an era of sexual confusion." "Gone are the days of promiscuity." "At the slightest hint of behavior" "Preparatory to fornication, PRICs will move in." "If the offending couple are found not wearing" "Any form of contraception, we will" "Confiscate the weapons used, in this case, penis and vagina." "So remember, always wear a condom." "I'm wearing one now." "Remember, it's not only a good idea." "It's the law." "You know something, sergeant?" "I always liked you." "Got a condom?" "[Music playing]" "Hello, I'm Dan Tip." "And I'm Maria Gonzalez Smith." "Welcome to the "World at War," the show" "That brings you man's deadly territoriality" "Live into your living room." "That's right, Dan." "Democrat or Communist, rebel or army, today, man" "Will carve his own fate, as the stakes are ultimate," "And the outcome is yours to decide." "For our up close and personal feature" "Tonight, let's go to Charlie Pinebowl and the Khyber Pass," "Where the ruthless heroin trade has turned" "This long and treacherous mountain passageway" "Into a deadly no man's land." "Charlie." "Thanks, Dan." "I'm standing here in the most violent spot in the world." "Hi." "My name's Verne." "This here's my brother Nason." "We'd like to talk about our..." "Thanks, Roger." "We're here in the gardens of the palace of Versailles" "Just outside of Paris, where it's 5:53." "Hi." "My name's Verne." "This here is my brother Cleotus." "Oh, we have been in the tractor business for quite some time" "Now." "We have many tractors for you to choose from." "Well, we have yellow tractors and all kinds" "Of other yellow tractors." "And we have one or two red ones, like this one here." "So come on down to Verne's and Cleotus's tractor bonanza" "Sell out." "And remember our slogan." "Hi, I am a tractor." "It's 12:51." "Some of Ted Smith's personalities" "Are beginning to meld." "His recovery rate is much too rapid." "This poor, tortured man may soon find peace with himself." "I can't let that happen." "[Buzz]" "Yes, Mrs. Palnor." "Uh, Roger Ted Smith is here to see your, Doctor." "Roger Ted Smith." "Send him in." "Roger Ted Smith." "Oh, yes." "The army vet." "How you doing, Doc?" "Hello, Roger Ted Smith." "It's quiet." "Real quiet." "I like that." "Yes." "I know, Roger, that sudden loud noises" "May cause you extreme trauma." "I'm terribly sorry, Roger." "I didn't mean to frighten you." "I wasn't scared." "I was, uh, just developing some film." "Mind if I smoke?" "DOCTOR:" "Certainly not." "Go right ahead Why don't you sit down?" "I like to stand." "Then stand." "Why can't I sit?" "Do whatever you like." "I'll stand." "It's a little bright in here." "Don't you think, Doc?" "Oh, I don't know." "Do you think it's too bright in here?" "No." "Why do you ask?" "You seem a little jumpy today, Doc." "Well, shall we begin?" "So how have you been since the last time we talked?" "Well, I'm nervous, tense, hair loss," "Diarrhea, premature aging." "Good, you're improving." "Anything else?" "Well, I, uh..." "I went to the movies the other day." "DOCTOR:" "What did you see?" ""Platoon."" ""Platoon."" "A movie designed to make you relive your most terrible" "Nightmares and anxieties." "Good choice." "What did you think?" "Well, it brought back a lot of memories for me," "What I was doing in the '60s." "See, I played a lot of army when I was a kid." "Some of us came back a little messed up." "You're doing fine, Roger." "Can I get you something to drink?" "Maybe another cigarette?" "TED:" "No, thanks." "Don't smoke." "Gave it up years ago." "Yes." "Please continue." "Yeah." "I was there back in '72." "Billy's backyard." "That must have been very difficult for you, Roger." "How do you feel about it now?" "TED:" "Well, I'm OK now." "Sometimes I still have nightmares." "Nightmares?" "Yeah." "Sometimes I can still hear the sounds of Billy's backyard," "Still hear it like it happened only yesterday." "The sounds of Billy's backyard." "Bang, bang." "You're dead." "Am not." "Am too." "Am not." "Am too." "Am not." "Am too." "Am not." "Am too." "Oh." "Look, I'm sorry." "This is not going to work." "I got too much on my mind." "I'm sorry." "That's OK." "Don't worry about it." "This has never, ever happened before." "It happened just a few minutes ago." "Well, it's never happened twice in one night, OK?" "Jesus." "Honey, just relax." "TED:" "I don't know." "You've been working too hard." "You're just tense." "Just relax." "OK." "OK." "I'm concentrating." "Honey?" "Mm-hmm?" "Honey?" "Mm-hmm?" "Did you put the dog out?" "I'm sorry." "OK." "I'm sorry." "All right." "I drifted." "It was a drift thing." "The dog, and I drift." "Go ahead." "Relax." "I'm very calm." "OK." "I think I, uh..." "This is, uh... yeah." "Wait, wait." "There's just a hair." "I got a hair." "I'm OK." "All right." "Start again." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Wait, wait." "OK." "OK, now." "I'm thinking." "Just relax." "I'm totally relaxed." "I don't have a care in the world." "I'm fine." "Wait a minute." "I think I feel something." "I think I feel something." "Do you feel something?" "I think I feel something." "I think I feel something too." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "What?" "Disappointment." "Oh, forget it." "Just forget it, all right?" "Do you have this problem in your own home?" "Men, tired of the constant embarrassment of not being" "Able to rise to the occasion?" "No lead in your pencil?" "No starch in your collar?" "Is your dick soft?" "Well, worry no longer." "Your troubles are over." "Introducing new Please Press-On Penis." "Yes, haven't you dreamed of owning a gorgeous penis" "Like one of these?" "Please Press-On Penis." "They come in 15 decorator colors, always hard as nails" "And guaranteed not to break, crack, or melt." "And there's no problem with attachment." "Simply locate the specified area and place a few drops" "Of our specially formulated adhesive," "An adhesive so strong it suspended this 200" "Pound man 50 feet in the air." "[Screaming]" "[Moaning]" "Please Press-On Penis." "That's right." "When nature lies down on the job, just say please." "Now a new active lay." "It's 1:23." "My name's Verne, and this here is my brother Tuba." "We have a tractor selling business" "That we'd like to tell you about and show you at this time." "Over here, we have many tractors for you to look" "At, like this one for instance." "It is a good tractor." "It only has one mile on it." "Over here are some other tractors." "For instance, this one." "Can we get a close up?" "Thank you." "It is a good tractor." "Come on down." "Over here is one more." "There it is." "Told you." "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for all your support." "I love you very much." "And don't forget our motto." "One final lesson." "This is trimethylglucamide diacetate." "This is 12 molar hydrochloric oxide" "Butyl methylide in trimethylglucamide diacetate." "Any questions?" "ANNOUNCER:" "It's time now for "I'm Sorry."" "And here's your host, Bill Chabinzly." "Hello and welcome again to "I'm Sorry,"" "The show where you have to beat the show to win the game." "Our current champion is Eleanor Ponstabule," "Winner of 18 consecutive games." "Hello, Eleanor." "Cut the crap, Bill." "I'm getting a little tired of this." "Tired of winning?" "What a contender." "You've got to love her." "And with her is our new contender Annette Donahue." "Hello, Annette." "Hello." "BILL:" "Would you like to tell us something about yourself?" "No." "OK." "Let's get on with the game." "As you know, I'll be setting you up with various obstacles" "That you'll have to overcome in order to win cash and prizes." "[Buzzer]" "Yes, Eleanor?" "That's not really true." "Is it, Bill?" "BILL:" "Sure it is." "I've overcome every one of your stupid obstacles every step" "Of the way." "BILL:" "Yes, you have." "I've told secrets about my husband" "That's ruined his career." "I paraded around naked for millions to watch." "I let you piss on me." "That's right." "And Boris, what do we have for Eleanor" "For being such a good sport?" "ANNOUNCER:" "For being such a good sport," "Eleanor has won absolutely nothing." "Aw." "I'm sorry." "This isn't funny anymore." "BILL:" "We're just having a little fun, Eleanor." "You can bet that today's game is for real." "Whoever answers this next question" "Will get a chance at our first obstacle" "And today's grand prize." "Yes." "I want some cash now, damn it." "Clothes, washer, dryer, anything." "I've earned it." "Answer the question right, Eleanor," "And you might really win something this time." "2 plus 2 equals..." "[Buzzer]" "Yes, Eleanor?" "4." "That's absolutely right." "[Applause]" "That's scary." "How do you select people for this show?" "By brain damage?" "OK, Eleanor." "Your obstacle is really quite simple." "Let's see some cash first." "Sure." "Boris, what is Eleanor going to win?" "ANNOUNCER:" "She's going to win this incredible grand prize." "$1 million in gold." "Bullshit." "Really." "On the level, Eleanor." "Prove it." "What if I were to hand you $20,000 in cash" "As a down payment?" "Yeah." "Now you're talking." "This is the first thing you've actually given me." "All right." "Your task is quite simple, really." "But today, because the prize is so big," "We're really going to test you." "Our archers are set up on the other side of the stage." "What?" "You'll have 30 seconds to run across their target course," "Retreat a tiny sewing needle from the center of any" "Of three bullseyes, and return to me before the buzzer sounds." "Whoa." "What are the archers going to do?" "They'll be blindfolded and shooting at their targets." "Fuck you." "You were the track star in high school, Eleanor." "Fuck you again." "You'll have 15 seconds." "Well..." "And there's plenty more of this." "I don't know." "All right, Annette." "Step down." "Wait, wait." "All right." "15 seconds." "That's right, Eleanor." "Boris, start the clock." "Eleanor, go!" "Oh, too bad." "She was so close." "Oh, you bastard." "She's done it." "She got the needle." "Let's see what you've won, Eleanor." "Boris?" "ANNOUNCER:" "For winning today, Eleanor has won nothing!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "No, I'm sorry." "That's." "Right $20,000 in counterfeit bills." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I'll kill you." "Oh, somebody get me some help." "Well, that's our show for today." "Tune in tomorrow when Annette Donahue becomes" "Our first place contestant." "And Annette, your first obstacle will be to fuck" "The Olympic wrestling team." "Looking forward to lots of prizes?" "Yes." "I bet you are." "Goodbye for now." "DOCTOR (NARRATING):" "I am encouraged by my last session" "With Ted Smith." "Each personality is a book deal in its own." "The officers of the American Psychiatric Association" "Arrive in 21 minutes to access my findings." "Once they see him, I will be recognized as the greatest" "Psychiatrist of all time." "[Buzz]" "Yes, Ms. Palnor." "MS. PALNOR (ON PHONE):" "Ted Smith is here for his five" "O'clock appointment." "Oh, yes." "Tony Ted Smith, the fourth and final one." "Ask him to wait a minute." "TED:" "Doc, how's it hanging, huh?" "Hello, Tony." "How are you?" "Hey, forget about it." "You know what I'm saying?" "So what are we going to do today, Doc?" "Huh?" "Color in some coloring books?" "No, Tony." "Today we're going to do something new." "These are ink blots." "I'm going to show you these abstract shapes," "And I want you to tell me of what they remind you." "Doc, you got entirely too much free time on your hands." "You know what I'm saying?" "What do you see in this?" "That looks like a dick." "Good." "And this one?" "That looks like a little dick, like the other one, but little." "I see." "And this one?" "You know who that looks like?" "That looks like my friend Larry Rubble, who sat in front of me" "In the third grade." "Un-fucking-believable." "Just like him." "What a dick." "Tony, I think we should concentrate on the things" "That particularly bother you." "That way, I can really get under your skin." "I mean, in a helpful way, of course." "You know, Doc?" "You know what bugs the shit out of me?" "I hate monsters." "They're such dicks." "I don't like the way they look." "I don't like the way they smell." "And I don't like the way they dress." "You know what I'm talking about, Doc?" "The other night, right?" "Check this out." "Follow me on this." "This is brilliant." "The other night, I'm having a nightmare." "I must have been sleeping because that's usually what" "I'm doing having a nightmare." "I don't know if you knew that." "Write that down 'cause you may, you know, use that later." "So I'm laying there, right?" "And I'm dreaming about these friends of mine." "It's spring break." "We're getting ready to go out." "They want to do the crazy shit." "I'm serious." "I'm saying, yo, what am I, stupid?" "What am I, crazy?" "What am I, an asshole?" "What am I, retarded?" "What am I, a moron?" "What am I, a nutcase?" "What am I, a shrimp bag?" "I know." "Let's go to Daytona Beach." "Like, totally boring." "Like, everyone goes to Daytona for spring break, you know?" "Like, let's do something, like, totally different." "Ah, I got it." "Let's go to Vegas." "WARREN:" "I hear the women in Las Vegas are beautiful." "What difference could that possibly make to you, Warren?" "Thanks, Spike." "Why are you always putting me down?" "Cause it's easy." "You're an asshole." "Well, Bobby and I have come up with an idea" "That's simply grand." "There's this neat house over in the Everglades." "The people that lived there moved a long time ago." "We can probably rent it for the whole week." "Sounds swell, doesn't it?" "You just used the word swell in a sentence." "And the price is quite affordable." "Why is it so cheap?" "Is it a dump?" "Well, as Bobby said, it is in the Everglades." "That sounds, like, totally different." "And, well, it is kind of secluded." "We'll be all alone." "And, well, 12 kids got killed there just last week." "Lets go." "Party!" "BOBBY:" "It's agreed then." "Yo, yo." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "What are you guys, crazy?" "What are you, stupid?" "What are you, morons?" "We're college kids." "We're supposed to be going to Fort Lauderdale," "Drinking beer, getting sick, vomiting on each other," "Laugh at each other's underwear." "You know, that kind of... but no." "You guys want to go to this deserted swamp area" "Where there's no phone or people for just hundreds of miles." "And well, 12 kids got killed there last week." "What are you, a moron?" "Oh, Tony." "You're such a stick in the mud." "Yeah, come on, Tone." "It'll be swell." "There's that word again." "Oh, why don't you come?" "I'll make it worth your while." "Spike, I wear a condom just talking to you." "BOBBY:" "All right." "Let's vote on it." "All those in favor, say aye." "Aye." "All opposed, nay." "What am I, a fucking horse?" "It's decided." "We leave tomorrow." "Somehow, I get the feeling I've seen this whole thing before." "[Music playing]" "Well, this is it." "Jesus Christ." "Like, I totally got to go pee." "Oh, isn't it adorable?" "Like, you guys." "I can't believe this." "The door is totally wide open." "Like, come on." "You know, Spike, I'm glad we're going to have this time to get" "To know each other better." "The truth is, I never really had the nerve to tell" "You how I feel about you." "And well, I wrote this poem for you." "And I hope you like it." "Oh, shit." "I want you to have it." "It sort of says everything that... that..." "That I never could." "And I just wanted..." "Thanks, Warren." "I know I've seen this someplace before." ""13 Fridays," "Thanksgiving, Part Two."" "Where have I seen..." "Hey, did you see that?" "That was a point of view shot." "Whenever they do a point of view shot," "That means there's a monster or something" "Looking out the window at us." "A point of view." "Now what are you going to say?" "Tony, what the heck are you talking about?" "I'm just saying, I see one more point of view shot," "I ain't going in the house." "[Thunder]" "[Humming]" "Whoa." "[Humming]" "." "Whoa." "Radical." "[Humming]" "Hey, let me the get that, lamb pie." "Aw." "Why don't you join the others in the house?" "I'll get the rest of this." "Oh, pork chop." "Isn't he sweet?" "What are you, crazy?" "Looks like rain." "Of course it's going to rain, you nimrod." "It's going to thunder and lightning." "The window's going to howl." "We're going to have monsters, more point of view shots," "Bada-bing, bada-bong, with kibbles and bits." "It's going to rain." "BOBBY:" "Hey, come on, Tone." "You've been watching too many movies." "All right." "Going in the house." "Please don't cut to a point of view shot." "I'm begging you." "Don't cut to a point of view shot." "Damn." "How come I got nine cards?" "You guys are talking too much." "Are you cheating or what?" "Wait, is it my turn?" " It's my turn." " OK." "Gag me." "I can't believe how totally boring this is." "I'm going out of my mind." "Where's all the action?" "Aw, guys." "Come on." "It's not so bad." "Look, later we can toast marshmallows." "And we can sing songs around the fire." "I can't believe this." "Spring break." "I'm stuck in a haunted mansion with some bitch" "Who wants to break into a rousing" "Chorus of kumbaya, my lord." "Like, where's Spike?" "She found out she had to do a nude love scene with Warren." "So she cut out." "God, do you think that she'll be OK?" "What are you, kidding me?" "It's raining out." "The wind is howling." "I got trees moving." "Just point of view shots." "The music has been totally weird since we walked in this place." "Yeesh." "She's dead." "She probably won't even get a screen credit." "Bummer, we're all out of beer." "Well, since I'm the only one here without somebody," "I might as well be the one that goes down and gets it." "Hey, Warren." "Come on." "Cheer up." "We're talking about Spike." "You can do better than her." "You think so?" "Heck, yeah." "Thanks, Bobby." "I needed to hear that." "Come here, you." "Huh?" "Come here." "What's the matter, huh?" "Don't worry about it." "Don't worry about nothing, all right?" "Look at it this way." "Now that Spike's dead, she'll probably be a lot nicer to you." "Huh?" "Now get out of here, you little fucking..." "Hey, Warren, it's down there next to that funny" "Looking star thing painted on the floor." "I bet some Jewish people must have lived here." "Wait." "Boy, this stuff looks dangerous." "How'd that happen?" "Oh, shit." "I cut my hand." "This looks serious." "Bring some bandages!" "(SINGING) B-I-N-G-O." "G-O." "And Bingo was his name-o." "There was a farmer who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o." "G-O." "A guy could bleed to death down here." "(SINGING) O. O. And Bingo was his name-o." "Hey." "This could get infected, and then I'd really be in trouble." "Can't you hear me up there?" "Golly, all this excitement's made me kind of sleepy." "Yeah, me too." "I guess it's time to turn in." "Good night, Karen." "Good night, Julie." "Good night, Rick." "Good night, Bobby." "Good night, Rick." "Good night, Julie." "Good night, Karen." "Good night, Bobby." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Shut up, will you?" "Good night." "Sweet dreams." "Yeah, fuck the both of you." "Hey, uh, Karen, want to come up to my room and see my etchings?" "Totally awesome, yeah." "I'll be up in a few minutes, OK?" "Great." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey, hey." "Come here, you." "What's the matter?" "What are you, crazy?" "What are you, stupid?" "What are you, a moron?" "What are you, nuts?" "What are you, retarded?" "You can't have sex." "Hey, don't worry." "I brought protection." "No, you moron chipmunk breath." "If you have sex, you're guaranteed to die." "Absolutely, you'll bite it." "Whoa." "I didn't think Karen would be that good." "That's not what..." "We're all gonna die." "I know it." "I just wish I could remember where I've seen this before." "Like, what's an etching?" "OK." "So far, everything is hunky-dory." "As long as nobody does nothing stupid like have sex or go" "Looking for somebody in the dark alone, we should be all right." "Excuse me." "Where did you go?" "No, no, no." "Where did you go?" "I was over there." "I came here to stop." "You cut away." "Who'd you cut away to, huh?" "A monster?" "Did you cut away to a monster?" "Yes, you did." "Don't ever cut away to a monster when I'm in a scene." "That scares me." "You stay with me." "I'm going to the bathroom." "You stay with me." "This way, I know I'm safe." "All right?" "You come with me." "Hi, Tony." "Whoa!" "Oh, Julie, you scared the piss out of me." "There's piss all over." "I thought you were a big monster with a bloody machete." "Nope." "I'll..." "I'll just be a minute." "I just have to wash my face, comb my hair," "Brush and floss my teeth, shave my arms and legs," "Moisturize, do my nails, tweeze my brows, and, um... oh, yeah." "Weigh myself." "Tonight?" "Well, yes, silly." "What was that?" "Huh?" "Oh, don't worry about it." "It's probably just Warren or something." "We got the camera with us." "It's OK." "Listen, uh, I'm crazy about you, you know what I'm saying?" "I'm nuts." "And it's making me nuts that I'm crazy about you." "You know what I mean?" "Tony, you know that Bobby and I are" "Going to be married as soon as daddy finds him the right job." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I know that." "I'm just saying, you know, like, after we" "Get out of here, maybe, uh, you and I could, uh, get together." "We are together now, silly." "I'll let you know when I'm finished." "But that's not..." "Like, where's Warren, you know?" "He's been gone for, like, ever." "Totally." "Don't worry about Warren." "He probably went to get himself something to eat." "You know how much he likes food." "[Snoring]" "Like, Warren was really feeling low." "You don't think he'd do anything, like, stupid, do you?" "Uh-uh." "What are you doing?" "It's called... it's called foreplay." "Oh, OK." "What's the matter?" "Like, my straps keep falling down, you know?" "Where are you going?" "I'm going to have to go regroup." "I mean, freshen up." "Hold those thoughts." "Oh, and, like, bring some puzzle cards back with you, OK?" "And for her and my protection, should be enough." "Ow!" "Karen, girl, like it or not, I am yours tonight." "Like, totally." "Hey, come on, Julie." "You in there or what?" "Julie?" "Oh, no." "Julie?" "Julie?" "Julie?" "Julie, please answer me, Julie." "This is how it always starts." "I come looking for you." "I say, Julie, Julie." "You don't answer." "The music gets very strange." "The camera angles get weird." "See?" "Julie, please don't be dead behind in the bathtub." "Please don't be dead." "Oh, god." "Please." "Oh, thank god." "Whew." "You can straighten the camera angle." "She's not dead." "Thanks." "That would be terrible if she was dead." "I would hate to see that, all chopped" "Up in pieces in the bath tub." "You know, cause I ain't fucked her yet." "Let me just have a bowl." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "Oh." "I knew this would happen." "Christ on a crutch." "He's dead." "No shit, Dick Tracy." "Somebody chopped his fucking head off." "Hey, Tone, Tone." "Calm down." "You don't know for sure." "You're jumping to conclusions." "We don't know if somebody murdered him." "Who knows?" "Maybe, um... maybe it was just an accident." "An accident?" "What are you, fucking retarded?" "Like he was throwing up in the toilet, and the lid came down," "Cut his head off." "What are you, a moron?" "What are you, a shrimp basket?" "What are you, an air head?" "What are you, a ratchet wrench?" "What are you, a hubcap?" "Tony, Tony." "Hey, listen, man, you are under a lot of pressure here." "Shut up." "Maybe we should warn the others." "Fuck the others." "I'm out of here, pal." "I'm leaving." "Hey, Tone, you can't just leave." "Yeah, watch me." "Oh, now, did you see that?" "See what?" "Over there." "What?" "Well, show him." "Oh, come on." "That is not fair." "Hey, I don't see anything." "Yeah?" "You are an asshole." "And so are you." "Rick?" "Rick?" "Rick?" "Rick?" "Rick?" "Rick?" "I just don't... don't even believe this." "We have just got to think rationally." "No, we don't." "We have to panic." "We have to get hysterical." "We have to freak out." "Well, call the police." "I don't even have to check, man." "I know that the phone wires have been cut already." "Haven't you ever seen this before?" "What are you, a moron?" "What are you, stupid?" "What are you, crazy?" "What are you, nuts?" "What we gotta do is get out of the house." "Like, what's going on?" "There's so much noise." "I totally can't sleep." "Like, where's Rick?" "Listen to me, both of you." "Rick is dead." "Yeah." "Oh, god." "And we don't even know how it happened." "Yes, we do." "There's a maniac running around the house, chopping people up" "And drop kicking them into toilet bowls." ""Nightmare With an Elm," "Chainsaw Monster."" "Don't you people go to the movies?" "Oh, Bobby, I'm so frightened." "Oh, don't worry, honey." "I'm here." "Oh." "You know, I really hope I die next because the both of you" "Are making me nauseous." "I'm getting out of here." "Move over, bimbo head." "Like, Warren's been missing for quite some time now." "Maybe I should go check on him alone" "In the deep, dark basement alone." "Like, you guys wait here." "Maybe I should go with you." "Like, why?" "What could possibly happen?" "Gee." "Warren!" "Warren?" "Warren, are you, like, down here?" "Warren, like, if this is some kind of joke," "Like, it's not funny." "Warren?" "Warren?" "Is, like, that you behind the slightly open door with light" "Shining through and blood all over the doorknob?" "I think so." "Warren, like, if you're trying to scare me, like," "It's totally not going to work." "Totally disgusting." "Grody." "Warren?" "Everything's going to be OK." "We're going to get married." "We're going to have kids." "They're going to play football." "Where's Karen?" "She's down in the basement looking for Warren." "You let Karen go down in the basement alone?" "Why?" "You think she needs our help?" "Forget it." "She's already dead." "[Screaming]" "Sounds like she got it in the throat." "Oh, who's doing this?" "Bobby, what's going on?" "Thank god the electricity hasn't gone off." "Don't say that!" "Oh, what are you, stupid?" "What are you, crazy?" "What are you, nuts?" "Don't anybody mention the doors being nailed shut." "[Hammers banging]" "That's it." "We're all dead." "I'll probably go next." "Then you, Bobby." "Julie, it'll just be you and the monster." "You'll run around the house for a while." "You'll trip, sprain your ankle, rub it till February." "Then you'll probably lean over." "He'll pop you in the eye with a knitting needle." "The cops will show up." "You'll spend the rest of your life in the crazy bin" "With a severe case of looney tunes." "But it's just one guy against all us." "We can beat this guy." "Yeah." "Assuming the dead don't reanimate." "[Screaming]" "Sorry." "Did you see that?" "They just cut away." "We only have a few minutes left." "Well, I'm not going to give up this easy." "I'm taking charge." "Oh, Bobby, what are you going to do?" "Yeah, Rambo, what now?" "Tone, you take Julie." "Go to our bedroom." "I'll go to the kitchen." "I'll get some weapons, knives, anything I can find." "Wait, wait wait." "You want me to take your girlfriend up to your bedroom" "When you go through the kitchen to get knives?" "Good plan." "Wait for me there." "Don't let anybody in and lock the door." "Oh, Bobby, please be careful." "Oh, come on, honey." "I'll be all right." "Now go." "Oh." "Do you think he'll be OK?" "Well, nope." "Huh?" "[Snoring]" "This is simply awful." "This is terrible." "I hope Bobby's OK." "We're sup... oh, we're supposed to be married." "What am I going to tell my father?" "Look." "What am I going to do?" "If you were to think..." "Maybe I'm nuts, all right?" "Maybe I'm crazy." "But Bobby knew what he was doing when he" "Stayed down there, all right?" "He's an asshole." "He's a shrimp boat." "He's a retard." "He's a moron." "He's a biscuit head." "You know what I'm saying?" "No." "Look, the man knows what he's doing." "He's a grown man." "Let him do it." "All right?" "No, you don't understand." "What?" "Well, Bobby and I never, well..." "What?" "You know." "What?" "Well, you know." "Things that are yellow." "No." "Things that begin with the letter L." "No." "We... we didn't..." "Things that don't have hair on their armpits." "No, Tony." "Things with sweaty..." "Oh." "I don't want to die a virgin." "[Sobbing]" "Let me get this straight." "Bobby bites it down there in the basement." "Then it's just me and you left?" "Yes." "I'll be right back." "Oh." "[Sobbing]" "He's behind the couch." "Behind the couch." "Oh, don't act like you wouldn't do it." "All right?" "[Screaming]" "What am I, crazy?" "Is he..." "Oh, yes, he's very..." "Oh." "There were too many of them." "They overpowered me." "I took out three of them all by myself." "You know, Bobby... he wasn't very strong." "But I did the best I could." "I did it for you, Julie." "How many are there?" "Oh, everybody's dead, just like I said it would happen." "They're all walking around with a zombie look." "They're killing stuff that ain't even alive." "It's un-fucking-believable." "Hey, look, it's just me and you." "We're the only ones left with a few precious moments." "Oh, no." "Uh, listen, before Bobby died, he said one thing." "What?" "What did he say?" "He said, Tony, do me a favor." "What am I, nuts?" "He said that?" "No." "He said, Tony, you gotta do one thing." "Before I die, make Julie a woman for me." "He said that?" "Yes, he did." "Make sure you get a close up of this because she's got a set" "Of tits like you..." "Oh, god." "Oh." "Oh." "You sure you're a virgin?" "Oh, wait a minute." "Wait." "Whoa." "What am I doing?" "If I have sex, I'm gonna die." "If anybody has sex in these movies, they always die." "It's a Hollywood law." "Tony, life is not a movie." "You think so?" "Yes." "Fuck it." "Oh, wait a sec." "Wait a sec." "What?" "You're in my light." "Oh." "[Moaning]" "Are you getting this?" "This is un-fucking-believable." "Here, zoom in over here one time." "And no pubic shots." "She's a good girl." "Yeah." "Oof." "Yeah." "Bark like a dog, you four-legged bitch." "[Moaning]" "I'm doing this for you, Bobby." "Hey, I'm sure he really appreciates it." "Could you move to the left just a little bit?" "Hey, could you guys keep it down out there?" "I can't concentrate." "Hey, come on, fellas." "Just give me five seconds." "Oh, come..." "I wouldn't do this to you." "Oh, man." "Bobby." "Oh." "Oh, shit." "No." "No." "No, Bobby, no." "I didn't like it." "I didn't like it." "Bobby, no." "[Screaming]" "TONY:" "Watch the hair." "Forget it." "I'm already dead, you asshole." "There's no one left to kill." "Got any twos?" "Go fish." "I knew this would happen." "What are you, stupid?" "What are you, crazy?" "What are you, a moron?" "What are you, retarded?" "Gee." "So what do you think, Doc, huh?" "Am I crazy or what?" "Well, I think you're on the road to a speedy recovery." "You think so, Doc?" "Well, sure." "I mean, it will take years yet, of course." "You know, Doc, no one's ever believed in me before." "DOCTOR:" "Tony, what happened to your accent?" "Tony?" "Why are you calling me Tony?" "My name is Ted Smith." "Yeah." "I'm Ted Smith." "No, it can't be." "Doc, I..." "I feel like a new person." "You've... you've changed me." "I... how can I ever thank you?" "You can't be cured." "My boats, the movies." "[Buzz]" "MS. PALNOR (ON PHONE):" "Dr. Dollbrite, the members" "Of the Academy are here." "I'll send them right in." "No, wait." "You don't know what you've done." "Maybe not." "But I know what you've done for me." "You've freed me from my mental prison." "I'm forever grateful." "No, don't you remember?" "You were traumatized when you were three." "Boo!" "(SINGING) You're three years old." "You're going to the bathroom." "What do you see?" "I see the man that saved my life." "How could I ever repay you?" "You're not listening." "[Gurgles]" "(SINGING) I'm going to kill you." "What does that look like?" "It looks like an ink blot." "It's a dick." "No, no." "You can't come in." "My patient has had a relapse." "He's incredibly violent." "Hello, gentlemen." "No." "He'll rip you to pieces." "He's got a gun." "Just like in the movie, "Platoon."" "Remember?" "Remember?" "Squirt, squirt, Roger." "Billy's behind you." "Get in the credenza." "TED:" "Isn't he marvelous?" "Look, Lieutenant, they're not wearing condoms." "Confiscate the evidence." "They want to be your friends." "That's it." "Just friends." "Just friends." "Dr. Dollbrite, it is indeed a pleasure to meet you." "Indeed, you have a most amazing patient." "I'm Dollbrite." "He's... he's Randy Roger Tony." "Tony, look." "They all look like dicks." "That's it." "They're all dicks." "Just dicks." "Just dicks." "He built a clock out of a balloon" "And half a pastrami sandwich." "We want to give you this check for $1 million" "To help further your research in the pioneering study" "Of schizophrenia." "We also want to take your patient" "With us for further research." "No." "That's my check." "I need it for socks." "Someday." "Someday, I'll have all the socks in the world." "[Sobbing]" "What am I, an asshole?" "What am I, a scumbag?" "[Music playing]"