"Here in the suburbs, people do whatever they can to avoid getting old." "And my dad was no exception." "Gray chest hair." "So that's what it's come to." "Hey, can we get some sugar cereal, George?" "You have any idea how long it's been since I've seen a leprechaun or a Cap'n?" "Tell me, do I look old enough to have a 16 year old?" " Oh, here we go." " Sixteen." "I can't believe you're turning 16 this weekend." "My little girl." "That's a little bit more sugar than I was hoping for." "Aren't you excited about it?" "Don't you want a party?" "I'm having a party." "Lisa and Malik are coming over for pizza." "Uch." "Boo." "Come on." "This is your 16th birthday." " Let's go big." " Okay, fine." "We'll order the extra large." "Hey, if you're worried about money, don't be." "Things are picking up for me." "I can afford to spoil my only daughter." "A little." "I've got some very good ideas for your present." "Can one of them be that you don't pick it out?" "When shopping in the suburbs, there's only one place that has everything a girl could want for her birthday." "Plus leprechaun cereal." "And meat." " That's a lot of bath tissue." " It's always good to be prepared." " I cannot believe..." " What?" "...They put Average Shelf Life in the clearance bin." "That is exactly what is wrong with this place." "Four ninety-nine." "You know, I gotta say, I was willing to spend 6." "I already downloaded it, but now I have the liner notes." "These guys are, like, the best indie band ever." " They have an oboe." " Really?" "Ear hair trimmers?" "Are these ours?" "Just..." "You need it." "I do..." "I don't have hairy ears." "Look who it is." " Hey, guys." " Hey" "I hate to bump into people when I'm not wearing any makeup." "Don't look at me." "I'm a wreck." "You have a veiny forehead." "Isn't this place just the best?" "I mean, where else can you buy mayonnaise and nail polish remover?" "Any store." "Yes, but not so very much of it." "Oh, what are you campers shopping for?" "Oh, nothing." "Just a present for Tessa's 16th birthday." "Oh." "Tessa's turning sweet 16." "My God, that's huge." "Tell me all about your party." " Don't leave out a single detail." " Okay, details." "Let's see." "A couple of friends are coming over for pizza and a movie." " And?" " And we might not do the movie." "No, no, no." " Did you hear that, Dalia?" " No." " You gotta go big, make it an event." " That's what I said..." " ...but she wants to keep it low-key." " It's true." "This is all want." "They are my favorite band." "For serious?" "Let me see this." "Oh, my husband's colleague owns this label and a major taco franchise and a white tiger." "Or a Bengal." "I'm not sure." "Anyway, it's too bad you're not having a big party because if you were, he could probably get them to play." "Wait." "Average Shelf Life?" "You could not get ASL to play at my party." "Well, not for two buddies and a pizza, but if it were a big event..." "Who said two buddies and a pizza?" "No buddies and a pizza." "We're going big." "Aren't we going big, George?" " You did say..." " I said we're going big." "Two buddies and a pizza." "Pfft." "George?" "Here come the mannequins." "Avert your eyes Avert your eyes." "Tall and cruel and terrible." "Hmm." "No common ground." "Do you hear an oboe?" " What exactly are they singing about?" " I don't know." "I think a prostitute who becomes a scientist or something." "I couldn't follow." "Ugh." "We're old." " We're not old." "It's just..." " They're not good." " We're old, George." "We are." "I found a gray chest hair last week." "That doesn't mean anything." "Young people get those all the time." "I looked it up." "How much time do you think we have left?" "Would you stop it?" "We're not going anywhere." " We're young, we're healthy." " I'm tan." " You always will be." " All right." "We're gorgeous, buddy!" "We're gonna live forever!" "Ahem." "Aah!" "Ow!" "Aah." "Oh." "Oh." "Is it a bee sting?" " A cut?" " Poison ivy?" " Is it a fever?" " A rash?" " Are you choking?" " Can you speak?" "Yes." "No, don't tou..." "Don't touch me, please." "It's my back." "It's okay, George, I'm here." "Everything's gonna be fine." "Ladies, you can go now." " I've got this under control." " Oh, okay." "Gonna be fine." "I said I've got this, Lucille." "Everything's gonna be okay." "Tessa?" "Don't tell me." "You didn't get the band, did you?" "No." "But I got the band!" "You got Average Shelf Life?" "Average Shelf Life?" " That's the band you wanted?" " Yeah." "Shoot." " Because that's the band I got!" " Stop doing that." "All you need is a top-notch party planner to whip it together in time and I know someone who's smart, stylish, well-connected and happens to be standing right in front of you." " Wow." "You'd really help plan my party too?" " Me?" "No." "Dalia." " Hey." " Oh." "Pfft." "No." " No, no, no." " Hey, hey, hey." "Let me tell you something." "Ever since Dalia failed her career aptitude test her dad's been leaning on me to make sure she has one." " A career?" " An aptitude." " And I'm pretty sure this is it." " It is." "It's it." "Plus I'd consider this a real solid, which I don't mind asking you for being as that I just did you an even realer solid with the whole band thing and all." "What do you think?" "Well, when you put it like that, how can I say no?" "You can't." "Ahh." "Mm." "I had a few thoughts." "Sort of a jumping-off point of how I want my party to look." "Wait." "Let me get a pencil." "I couldn't think of a single worse person to plan my party." "But at least Dalia seemed willing to listen." "Okay." "Ready." "Okay." "Uh..." "When I was living in New York, my friend Oskar had this rooftop soiree where they grilled yakitori on a hibachi." "Yeah." "I don't like any of those words." "So listen, here's what we're gonna do." "First of all, it's gonna be at the country club." "I'm thinking monochromatic." "Two-tone colors with a bunch of different colors." "I wanna have a pony station where you can take pictures with a pony." "Yep, Dalia was listening all right, but only to herself." "Now let's talk go-go cages." " I don't want go-go cages at my party." " I don't know why they have cages." "When I was a boy, women danced free-range." "I can't believe I agreed to let Dalia plan my party." "Years from now, all you're gonna remember is the good stuff that the band you love played at your 16th birthday." "I got mono on my 16th birthday." "The only thing I remember..." " ...is kissing the girl who gave it to me." " What was her name?" " I don't remember." " Because it was 9 million years ago?" "Yes, because it was 9 million years ago." "You're getting meaner in your old age, did you know that?" "Easy, easy, easy." "Shh, shh, shh." "Tessa, your father is still in the Sheila Shay ICU." "And I see you are disturbing him." "Here's your pill, George." " Thank you." " Oh, poor thing." "I don't know what I would have done without you, Sheila." "You probably would have died." " I'll get that." " Yeah." "Uhn." "That woman has been amazing." "Promise me she hasn't given you a sponge bath." "I can't promise you anything." "What are you taking?" "Pain pills from Sheila's hysterectomy." "Did you know they saved two-thirds of one of her ovaries?" "Excuse me." "I'm gonna go watch a documentary about dolphin murder so I can forget that image." " Hello, Dallas." " Hi, Sheila." "I brought George soup." "My housekeeper made it, but I paid for the ingredients." "How nice." "I'll definitely see that he gets it." "Actually, I thought I'd give it to him myself and say hi." "That's sweet." "You think he'd like to see you." " But I'm gonna have to say no." " Don't do this, Sheila." " Not again." " I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, please." "You mother until you smother." "I did not kill Tom Jesperson!" "No, it was just you for three and a half weeks, taking care of him." " He needed help." "He had sciatica." " You don't die of sciatica." "Visiting hours are over!" "Ugh!" "Relax." "Mommy's here." "At what point were you thinking of doing the freeze dance?" " Yeah." "I just got the robot down, so..." " Sorry, guys." "There's no freeze dance." " I knew it." "Three days wasted." " It never hurts to practice." "Trust your instincts, Lisa." "All right, beyotch." "Time to go dress shopping for your party." "And if I decline?" "Then you won't see your band again." "Alive." "You mean live." "See you guys later, apparently." ""It's time to go dress shopping, beyotch."" "Can they just leave school like that?" " Probably not." "We have four periods left." " Yeah." "Wake up." " Wakey wakey." " Huh?" "You've got a visitor, sleepy puss." "Ha-ha." "Hey, buddy." " Look who's sleeping on the job." " Blargh." "He's in a lot of pain." "Poor bunny." "Can barely talk." " I can barh..." " Shh, shh." "Buddy, buddy, buddy." "Here." "Scoot over." "Just listen to me, all right?" "I need you to help me move a sofa." "I'm kidding." "I'm kidding." "But seriously, you know how you are throwing that sweet 16 party for Tessa?" "She's gonna kill me." "I know." "These things can be expensive." "But I was thinking." "I'm a cosmetic dentist." "This party is gonna be crawling with insecure teenagers with all kinds of dental needs." "What if my practice sponsored the event?" " Help me." " Exactly." "I'll help you, which will help me." "It's a win-win." "All right, buddy." "I'm gonna let you heal up, okay?" "You take care." " What?" "You flinched, that's on you." " Hah!" "Hey, Sheila, take care of my boy, would you?" "No." "Wait." "I think I found some dresses to try on." "The one with the buttons is doable, but I don't know." "Let me see." " What did you do that for?" " They're dirt-colored." "The color of dirt doesn't look good on people." "They're not dirt-colored, they're brown." " It's the color that I wanna wear." " Ooh." "Bad choice." "I gave you the pony booth, so give this one to me." "It's my party." "Your non-band-party- that-won't-have-a-band- unless-you-wear-the-dress- I-picked-out-for-you party." "So go try on the dress I picked out for you." "It's in the tiny room." "Brown is one of your basic colors." "Basic brown." "That's a thing." "She doesn't know what I look good in or what I like." "See?" "You look good." "I did look good." "Really good, actually." "But I wasn't about to give Dalia the satisfaction of knowing I felt that way." "I'm gonna look so pretty next to that pony." "Wow." " Look at you." " Don't start crying, George." "If you cry, it'll make it seem much more cold when I leave you." "I wish I could be there." "Me too, old man." "But as soon as the fun stuff is over, I'll come visit you at the home." "Okay, but don't come after 7." "We're having blended carrots and watching Father Dowling Mysteries." "Thanks for doing this, Dad." "I promise I'll take pictures." "You'd better." "They grow up so fast." " Ow." " Here you go." "Thattaboy." "Now close your eyes and get some sleep." "Us old-timers need our rest." "George wasn't about to go down without a fight." "He still had one thing left to do on his bucket list." "Not this old-timer, Sheila." "I'm not the kind of girl who'd be impressed by giant snowflakes, lasers that guy." "And the term sweet 16 makes my skin crawl." "But it was pretty sweet, and I was 16 so there you have it." "I owed Dalia a massive thank-you." "You're welcome." "Hello." "Care for a Tessa-tini?" "Oh, what's in a Tessa-tini?" "Grape soda, black tea and just a splash of beet juice." "It sounds awful, but it tastes delicious." "No." "It'll stain the hell out of your teeth." "Ha-ha-ha." "It's a dentist's dream." "Hey, drink up, everybody!" "There's more where that came from." "Have a good time, Tessa." "Tonight is your night." "And mine." "And yours." "And mine." " Hey, Kimantha." " All right!" "Whoo-hoo!" " Have you seen Lisa and Malik?" " No." " Have you seen The Thin Red Line?" " No." "I just rented it." "It really is emotionally riveting." "Hey, Dalia." " Whoa." " Yeah." "Whoa." " Exactly." "Whoa." "You can't be here." "The fire marshal came and said we're at full intensity." " So, what are you guys saying?" " Go home, ladies." "I'm not a la..." "Pick your battles, Malik." "Wakey wakey." "Time to freshen up." "George." "Georgie." "Time to wake u..." "Aah!" "George?" "George!" "George Altman!" "George Altman, where are you?" "Go!" "Uhn!" "I left as soon as I got your text." "Are you okay?" "Drive!" " Go." "Faster." " I'm going as fast as I can." "It's a residential zone, George." "I got two speeding tickets here last month." "Hey." " Okay." " Hey, call me." "I can fix that." "Hmm." "Hey, you have an overbite." "Call me." "Oh." "Excuse me." "Oh, jackpot." "Look at those chompers." " Are you from Wales?" "Call me." " No." "Heh." "Hey, have you...?" "I don't care if the pony is tired." "That thing is not going back to the farm." " What?" " Have you seen Malik and Lisa?" "Not since I sent them home." "You sent my friends home?" "Yeah, they weren't part of my vision for this party." "It's my party..." "Then leave and go find your lame friends." "I don't care." "Hello." "We're Average Shelf Life." "And this is for the birthday girl, Tessa Faltman." " They said my name." " Happy Birthday, Tessa!" "Practically." "If I had a radio." "For every time You loved me so" "I wouldn't have a radio at all." "But now I sit and waste my time" "I love you!" "My room is quiet as a mime." "And wait for someone glamorous To call." "Radio." "This music sucks." "Radio." "Radio." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Do you want me to slow down?" "No, no, no." "Just get there." "I don't wanna miss the party." "It's Sheila." "Don't answer that." "Hey, don't answer that, okay?" "She..." "That woman was trying to kill me, just like she killed Tom Jesperson." "Ha-ha." "Oh, no, no, no." "She didn't kill old man Jesperson." "He was 94 when he bit it." "I just like messing with her." "You can't make those jokes around a man taking leftover hysterectomy medication." "Oh!" " Sure you don't want me to slow down?" " No, just keep going." "Ah!" "Hurricane, hurricane." "Tessa!" "There's lots of heads." "Lots of heads up in this piece." "Oh!" "Noah was right." "There were a lot of heads but none of those heads were my friends' heads." "Could I have felt any worse?" "All right." "This next one's about the dangers of surrounding yourself with phony people who aren't your friends." "Apparently, I could." "Here come the mannequins." "Avert your eyes Avert your eyes." "Tall and cruel and glamorous." "Tessa, wait." " Don't try and stop me." " I'm going after my friends." " Nobody cares." "Take our picture." "Smile." "That's a keeper." " George?" "What are you doing here?" " Hey." "I made it." "I made it to your birthday." "Can you believe it?" " Look at this place." "It's amazing." "Whoa!" " Oh!" " It's great." "Let's get out of here." " Wait." "What's wrong?" " Don't you like your band?" " I like my friends more." "Let's go, George." "See, George?" "This is all I wanted." "Pizza, a couple of friends." "Why couldn't you just listen to me?" "I tried." "I couldn't hear you through all the ear hair." "Gift time!" "Whoa." " These are..." " Diamonds." "Thank you?" "You're welcome." "They say diamonds are a girl's best friend but in my case, it wasn't true." "These nerds were." "I felt close to the diamonds also, though." " Are you gonna embarrass me now?" " Maybe." "Maybe?" "Dad." "Come on." "You're only 16 once." "We still need to have our father-daughter dance." "Let's go." "Uh..." "I think that's just at weddings." "I may not make it to your wedding." " I was born 9 million years ago." " Mm." "Look how cute you two are." "Don't know when And I don't know why." "You're the only reason I keep on coming home."