"oh, my god." "i really shouldn't be in here." "we're getting married tomorrow, honey." "i don't think your dad's gonna be that upset, do you?" "okay, i gotta get back to my room." "you try to get some sleep." "yeah, right." "our parents are meeting today." "this has huge potential for disaster." "we're just going to lunch." "that's more than enough time for things to go wrong." "you were at my birthday party." "i thought your dad's rap was funny." "it was humiliating, and unintentionally but inarguably racist." "okay, so they're different." "they're more than different." "your mom does air kisses." "my mom goes for full-on mouth." "yeah, well, it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't hold you there for a second." "look, it'll be fine." "it's one meal." "and we won't order appetizers..." "or dessert." "oh, mom!" "oh- why, melanie anne clayton!" "i fell asleep in there by mistake." "i don't care, silly." "you're getting married tomorrow." "you're getting married tomorrow." "well, no- no time for emotions." "mom, what are you doing waxing the floors at 5:00 in the morning?" "well, i have to make time somewhere." "i'm losing two and a half hours having lunch with sam's parents." "oh, well, if you're too busy, we can- no, no, no, no." "i'm looking forward to it." "i just have lots to do before i meet them for lunch." "watch it, ooh, careful." "it's slippery." "we got to town early, dad!" "so we thought why not just come over?" "they're here." "why are they here?" "sheila, it's so nice to finally meet you." "but do mind the floors." "they're very slick." "hey, guys-aah!" "hi, mom." "honey." "hey, angela, are you- is everyone- i'm sorry that, you know, about knocking you all over." "although good news is the floors are indeed buffed." "well, i wouldn't have waxed them if i'd known i was having company." "oh, were we wrong to stop by?" "no, not at all." "but i just wish that everyone would take his shoes off." "oh, you don't want this one to take his shoes off." "what?" "!" "no!" "his socks smell like where he went to college." "p.u. why you... oh, oh, oh, oh..." "oh, oh, oh, oh... all right, back to your corners." "all right." "paul, sheila, hi." "you came early." "mel, honey... hi." "ah, ha ha." "and you changed your toothpaste." "hey, is everybody okay?" "i thought i heard a crash." "we're fine." "just a little bumped." "this is the only bump i'm interested in." "say, this may not be politically correct, but that's never stopped me before." "so i'm just gonna say it." "don't, though." "i want a boy." "aww." "how 'bout another little sammy runnin' around here, huh?" "how great would that be?" "pretty great." "angela, this kitchen could be in a magazine." "oh, now i want you to forgive me for the clutter." "the crystal just arrived for tomorrow, and the backyard is- it's a riot of folding chairs." "i don't know if i have enough or too many." "so this is a bad time to ask if i could do a little baking project here?" "yeah, it would be the worst of times." "oh... oh, sure." "no, that's fine." "i finished my baking project back home in maine on tuesday, but this one got hungry, and next thing i know, all i've got left is a little ball of tin foil and crumbs!" "you are just a bear." "yes. rooooar." "aah!" "okay, park ranger coming in to... cut down on that." "oh... oh, dick, here." "i'm gonna get you some aspirin." "thanks." "say, you're a man of few words, dick." "i suppose you're saving 'em up for your big toast." "which reminds me, i've got an idea of a little something we can do together." "do you sing?" "no." "* have you ever tried?" "* * join me at b flat * * i wanna sing a little song about sam and mel * did you bring your new car, dad?" "yeah, gimme a second." "i wanna see the new car." "* i've never known a couple * * who's so gosh darn swell * * better open your door when we ring your bell * * and we'll tell you a story about sam and mel * oh, fun." "there she is." "isn't she a beaut?" "made it all the way down from maine on just two charges." "that's really cool." "yeah, we stopped at a motel." "i plugged her in there." "but enough about your mother." "okay. thank you." "come on, relax, sammy." "you seem tense." "oh, i'm actually good." "i'm kind of, you know- i get it, you're getting married tomorrow." "trust me, it's gonna be great." "ah... s'il vous plait." "oh, okay." "are you sure this isn't expensive to do this?" "relax, it costs virtually pennies." "and it's actually good for the house too." "so the toast." "i was wondering about the toast." "right, the toast." "i've been working on this for a month." "you're my only kid, so i figured, let me do this right." "i think i'm gonna cry right now." "aw, dad." "my little boy." "oh, jeez." "aw, that's all right." "but specifically, what were you thinking with the toast?" "the toast, well, * we're gonna start with a song * yeah... i'm hoping dick can harmonize." "and then we go right into the roast portion." "prepare to be skewered, buddy." "finally, we'll end with reminiscences of our babies." "if i can get through 'em." "just so you know, you know, i'm not sure dick is, you know, gonna like that kind of toast." "why?" "he has to." "it won't work without him." "well, dad, just, you know, some people- he doesn't like public speaking. what?" "!" "you mean he doesn't want to say something nice about you and mel?" "i'm sure he does, dad." "but he can't, so... why the hell can't he?" "dad, okay, you know what." "lots of people can't." "and there are lots of reasons for it." "you know, stroke victims, or- wait." "are you telling me dick had a stroke?" "yes." "a bad one." "oh, wow." "i'm sorry." "but of course that would explain all the frowning and the one-word answers." "wow, and here all along i've been thinking he's just a jerk." "how long has he been this way?" "as long as i've known him." "wow!" "yeah." "makes you think, huh?" "you don't know what handicaps people have." "no, and that's not the right term." "i've gotta see a man about a horse." "it's right up there." "his cup is empty, go- go get the man a refill." "no, he doesn't like to be- go on." "dick, why don't i get this for you." "no, no, i can get it mys- no, you gotta rest." "i'll get it for you." "he's still kind of in denial about it." "poor bastard." "honey, look." "look, jordan almonds." "i'm gonna put one at each place." "aren't they cunning?" "yeah." "ooh, tiny nut sacks." "is there coffee around here?" "no, honey, that's cold." "oh." "well... just pop it in here." "i can't stop eating." "i'm like an animal." "i'm not even gonna be able to fit into my dress tomorrow." "oh, mom, come on." "you look great." "doesn't she look great?" "are you kidding me?" "angela, please, you look amazing." "if mel wasn't in the picture, i'd be all over that." "coffee time." "so how's that shopping list coming along?" "good." "but what size diapers does sarah need for abby?" "you know what, ask your dad." "i think he bought the last bag. okay." "here you go, dick." "oh. thank you." "aaaaa!" "oh, sorry, sorry." "i might have over-microwaved it a little bit." "try grabbing the handle." "thanks." "excuse me." "i told angela that i would count the chairs." "look at him, grabbing and counting." "the next thing you know, he'll be tying his own shoes." "don't, don't, don't." "what are you talking about?" "hey, dad, what size diapers do you buy?" "large." "extra-large bunch up too much on the sides." "that's right, buddy." "you've got nothing to be ashamed of." "does he think he's being funny?" "i don't know." "hey, can i talk to you for a second?" "why did your dad say that?" "i don't know." "he might think that your father had a stroke." "because i told him that your father had a stroke." "a stroke?" "i panicked." "i'm sorry, i- my dad had this whole big toast planned, and your dad was not gonna go for it." "that would have literally made my dad cry, and that would have been a really weird start for the weekend." "okay, but a stroke?" "hello, my little love birds." "hey, mom." "hey. hmm." "i'm starting my little project." "angela said i should make myself at home." "i think "make yourself at home,"" "doesn't that mean "don't touch anything, please"?" "no, it's okay." "it's okay." "see, mel agrees." "my brownies are gonna be a big hit at this wedding." "oh, you're making brownies for the wedding?" "don't worry, i know you're not supposed to serve plain brownies at a wedding." "these are chocolate chunk brownies!" "um, actually, sheila, i just- i don't think my mom would want chocolate chunk brownies at the wedding." "but everybody loves my brownies." "well, i bet that she would." "but she's, um... she's... has diabetes." "your mom has diabetes?" "yeah." "oh, i didn't know that." "i was as shocked as you when i heard that." "so no sweet treats for anyone at the wedding?" "nope." "if they're there, then, you know, she'll just raaaaaaa- she has no willpower." "but she ordered a cake." "sugar free." "i just don't know what to say." "i guess i should clean this up before she sees it." "no, i got it." "i got it, mom." "you poor things!" "not to get to eat real cake at your own wedding." "mm-hmm!" "don't." "whoa." "no. so i just want to get this straight though." "stroke, bad." "diabetes, good?" "did you see how sad she was?" "and if my mom saw brownies at the wedding, she would have an actual stroke." "i know, honey." "we just need to get through 24 hours, and then it's our wedding." "it'll be beautiful, and then we're outta here." "and with any luck, our parents will never see each other again." "oh, i like the way you think." "see, i'm a problem solver." "problem creator." "i will clean this." "okay." "then i guess i'll go make sure nobody talks to anybody about anything." "okay." "okay, so we're safe for now." "your parents are taking a walk. okay." "are you running the- yeah, i put the champagne flutes in there oh, no, sam, i don't think you can put crystal in the dishwasher." "why?" "oh, no-oh... they're all broken." "every single glass is broken." "oh... oh, okay, we could um- we could, um- all right, think." "let's just drive to vegas." "okay. no." "honey, i gotta deal with this." "we gotta clean this up, and i gotta replace the glasses." "you have to get everyone out of here until our lunch. what?" "where am i supposed to take them?" "i don't know." "wherever old people like to go." "ducks. museums." "hey, angela, what do, uh- mel was actually thinking about taking you to the-the duck museum." "the duck museum?" "no, let's take sam's parents to see the fall foliage." "oh, i can't look at the foliage." "i've gotta wait for that cake to be delivered." "i can wait for the cake." "go have fun." "fun?" "no time for fun." "we have a wedding tomorrow." "and then we've got that damn lunch that we- that-that i'm just so looking forward to." "but mom, you're the hostess." "it would be really rude if you didn't come leaf peeping." "kind of a faux pas." "i am the hostess." "that's true." "and also there's that elm on claremont street." "i know the one." "i know the one." "i swear, right now it looks like it's been dipped in gold." "oh... oh, screw it." "life's short." "yay!" "oh, god." "huh!" "huh!" "huh!" "huh!" "huh!" "who is it?" "murray's cakes." "murray, hi." "this is jonathan." "jonathan, hi." "hey, can you do me a favor and try the door?" "it's locked." "okay, i can't come to the door right now." "uh, can you- can you just leave it?" "you have to sign for it." "you know what, you can sign it for me." "nope." "can you hold on five minutes?" "no." "why not?" "i don't want to." "oh... jonathan?" "jonathan!" "dick is still a surprisingly good driver." "yeah, well, we've been working on it." "i am a slave for rocky road." "but i really shouldn't." "no, that's the last thing your body needs." "sheila just took an unapologetic shot at my weight." "am i one of those people who's become a fat person and doesn't know it?" "oh, no, mom, no." "i'm sure you misunderstood." "no, i don't think so." "i'm gonna go wait in the car." "if i still fit in the car." "no, mom- hey." "look at your dad." "he smiled." "oh, i know." "that is the best wedding gift i could have dreamed of." "rum raisin." "yay!" "yay!" "whooooooa!" "what in god's name happened in here?" "!" "uh... oh, honey, your thumb is bleeding." "are those the glasses?" "all those beautiful glasses?" "we can always drink out of plastic cups." "oh, god, i think i'm gonna be sick." "no, mom, focus on something positive, okay?" "like, um, the cake." "no..." "focus on something else." "well, the cake people gave me a delivery window between 1:00 and 5:00." "so i don't think we're going to be able to make that lunch reservation." "well, looks like we should just call it a day." "oh, come on, you two." "these families need to break bread together before tomorrow." "but we can't leave." "i'm hungry." "what about chinese?" "our treat." "i'll order for everybody." "we'll get a big pile of chopsticks." "you can use a fork, dick." "and we'll get a healthy option for angela." "like she's ally mcbeal." "we can't keep this up." "we have to tell them the truth." "whoa, whoa, no, honey." "we just need to get through 20 more hours of hardcore lying, and then we're in a car, heading for the airport." "but they're gonna figure it out after we're gone." "and then every christmas and every thanksgiving for the rest of our lives will be tense and awkward." "yeah, but this wedding will be perfect." "yeah, okay." "let's do this." "i heated this up for you." "where's my dad?" "i was talking about how good my golf game used to be, and he teared up and left the room." "oh, that's so weird." "you know what, let's not even try to guess what that's all about- let's eat." "angela." "sweet and sour ribs?" "that's like putting a loaded gun in your mouth." "okay, you know, that's enough." "i may not be bo derek, but i'm hardly a bowl of jelly." "what?" "well, this looks dee-licious!" "oh... not again!" "uh-oh, he's having another stroke!" "hold his arms." "i'll grab his tongue." "relax, pal." "just relax." "it's okay." "it's okay." "get the hell away from me!" "and what are you talking about, another stroke?" "i've never had a stroke." "why would you think that?" "that's because of me." "i did that." "i told him that." "and i might have told sheila that you have diabetes." "what?" "!" "why would you do that?" "well... we were nervous about you guys meeting." "we didn't know if you were gonna get along- so lying about our health seemed the best answer?" "he-he-he wanted to sing a song with you." "she wanted to serve brownies from a mix at the wedding." "exactly." "so in the moment, we thought telling them that you guys were very ill was the perfect solution." "turns out that it was unperfect." "or... imperfect." "i never know what the- no, no..." "imperfect or unperfect?" "unperfect." "oh, hey, cake!" "oh, cake." "oh, look at that." "what a beauty, huh?" "oh... well, that is gorgeous." "it is, isn't it?" "i just hope it's big enough." "you can't put brownies next to that." "our babies are getting married!" "i know." "look at them." "they see a cake, they start crying." "yeah, hey, keep it together, ladies." "this has been a very interesting day." "mm." "and i look forward to so many more." "bye, cuties." "bye." "good one." "she's got a nice, soft mouth, doesn't she?" "yes, she does." "and you will laugh about this one day." "unless you have a real stroke." "ha. just kidding." "sammy, unplug my car for me, will ya?" "okay, dad." "i love you guys." "i'll see you tomorrow." "what's tomorrow?" "ha ha!" "well, it could have been worse." "heh heh. really?" "that seemed pretty bad to me." "hey, how's your thumb?" "uh... oh, you know, pretty good." "thumbs up." "we're ready to go." "whoa!" "dad-oh, wait" "?" "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. dad!" "dad!" "dad!" "dad!" "ah, ah, ah, ah!" "dad!" "dad!" "dad!" "dad, the cake!" "dad!" "oh, my god. aah!" "i can fix this." "s, we need a new cake." "how much is the rush fee on that?" "do we really need a cake for the- yes, we will pay the rush fee." "okay, thank you." "all right, i'm ready." "okay, a little less pressure." "or more pressure's okay too. aah!"