"MUSIC:" "Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger" "I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "It's beautiful, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it is." "Yeah." "'This is bad, very bad." "The canal - perfect venue for the emotional bump-off 'cos if I start screaming, there's no-one to hear." "'On the plus side, she's obviously confident I'm not a potential murderer.'" "Listen, Jez, honey, I..." "I need to talk to you about something." "About us." "'Here it comes." "No blubbing, no garment rending.'" " Yeah?" " Jez, I've got a biggie to ask you." " Would you consider marrying me?" " Yes!" "Obviously it wouldn't be a real wedding." "No?" "Oh, right." "Well, in that case... yes!" "See, it's just my visa's run out and the Home Office called." "I know a couple of gay guys who'd be up for it but..." "Oh, Nancy, don't marry those gays." "Marry me." "Honey, you understand this would just be an administrative procedure, right?" "Exactly." "The happiest administrative procedure of our lives." "Hey, I'm home." "I've got Gladiator on DVD." "Apparently there's an outtake where this extra gets piked and you can see all the..." "Jez, you're cleaning the bathroom." "That's right, my friend." "'Why?" "!" "Sex slavery?" "Murder clear-up?" "'" "See, if it's all right with you, which I'm sure it will be, Nancy's moving in." "She is?" "Mmm." "As an actual precursor to us getting married." "On Friday." " You're getting married?" "!" " That's right." " Why?" " Well, because we love each other." "Also, partially, for visa reasons." "What do you want me to do with all your toilet books?" "Don't you think..." "Nancy, isn't she using you... a bit?" "Oh, OK, great." "Well, thanks for your show of support, mate" "I was gonna ask you to be best man but, actually, maybe I should ask Super Hans." "Yeah, well, sure, if that's the way you feel, maybe you should." "You're just jealous because you want to get married to Sophie." "Jeremy, I'm totally and completely over Sophie." "Oh, sure." "And I suppose that's the reason why you wrote her name on every single egg under the Word Bird." "So, Super Hans, what've you been up to?" " Long weekend looking into the mirror." " Oh, bit of soul-searching, was it?" "Cocaine, Mark, cocaine." "Fancy a punt on the quizzle?" "Shit a bit of data out of that bunged-up brainbox?" "I'll do the buttons, you do the answers." "Listen, I wanted to have a chat about Nancy." "You mean Yoko?" "Yeah, hello marriage, goodbye major recording contract." "So you agree it's a terrible..." "Capital of Indonesia?" "Er, Jakarta." "Correct." "She's got trouble written through her like a stick of Brighton rock." "So I thought we could split them up." "Maybe you could tell him you got off with her." "Fucking hell, that's a bit strong." "Where might you find a dipthong?" " It's an element of speech." " Where might you find one?" " In a word." " Good boy." "Why don't you do it?" "He'd never believe it, whereas you..." "Yeah, you're right, much more believable." "Jamie Lee Curtis, born a hermaphrodite - true or false?" "Urban myth." "I don't know." "I don't wanna come out fighting with just my cock in my hand." "If I go for it, are you gonna back me up?" " This is for the jackpot." " Of course I'll back you up." " What kind of animal was Rikki Tikki Tavi?" " A mongoose." " Piss off, he's a little rat." " He was a mongoose." " Rat!" " Mongoose!" "See!" "Told you." "Yeah, but I was in charge of the buttons, Mark." "I drew a line." "You crossed that line." "I'll have to have a think about you." "I don't know if you can be trusted in a combat situation." "Thanks so much for sorting me out with this, Toni." "You would not believe how hard it is to get into trainers and architecting." "It's practically a closed shop." "Oh, I love this!" "Yeah, well, I'll take all the phone monkeys I can wrangle." "Yeah." "It's great though - my own phone, my own space, might move that to there." "Me, bringing home the bacon for my fiancee." "How is the Yank?" "She started spanking your plank again?" "That's not terribly important really, Toni." "You see, we're very much in love." "Jez, I've seen Love Story." "I know how it ends, yeah?" "Here's a clue - somebody dies." "I can't believe you wanted to meet for lunch!" "You really meant it about being friends." "Of course I meant it, Mark." "How've you been?" "Fine, fine." "The human being's basic needs are really very simple... food, liquid, entertainment and the regular release of fluids at regular intervals." "Nice." "And how's your love life?" ""Love life" may be a grandiose term for staring at women on the bus." "Oh, shut up." "You just need to find someone you like." "Oh, what about her?" "I know her, she's a friend of Nancy's." " Hi, Karen!" " Sophie, be quiet!" " You like her." " I don't necessarily like her." "Yes you do." "Go and tell her you like her hair." "You do realise it's me you're talking to, not an Italian builder?" "OK, I'll go and talk to her for you." "Sophie, no!" "No, Sophie, no, don't!" "'Oh, God, this is terrible." "'Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday." "'Oh, no, she's coming." "'Must... think... words, funny words.'" " Hi there." " Hi, hi." "Say, isn't it funny, all the... coffee?" "What's with all the coffee?" "Listen, I'm just gonna go over to my stupid friend and, grrr, give her a good shake." "But if you ever want to call me about anything, then I'm in the book," "Mark Corrigan." "'Too formal." "Lighten things up." "'Light, not slimy!" "'Ohh, can't retract the wink." "'Unless... '" "See you." "'Brilliant, the twitching freak." "Works every time.'" "Who needs to go off to Amsterdam paintballing in a go-kart?" "You know, that is such bullshit." "No danger, my friend, no danger!" "Just a load of old mates in the boozer loving it!" "Hans, is it perhaps time we had a word with Jeremy?" "Oh, yeah." "Jez, listen..." "Oi, oi, tequila slammers!" "Three, two, one, lift-off!" " Mate, aren't you gonna slam?" " I don't drink, it's a Buddhist thing." "What's his name again?" "Sam, mate of Darren's." "Come on, it's a stag night." "You gotta slam on a stag night." "Slam, slam!" "Slam, slam, slam, slam, slam!" "Aah!" "Ouch." "I'm thinking maybe Buddha wasn't too pleased." "When are you gonna say something, Super Hans?" "I don't know, Mark." "I'm having second thoughts." "He seems really happy." "Come on, you said it." "She's Yoko, remember?" "Wa-hey, guys!" "Sam's gonna be out in an hour or two so..." "Night to remember or what?" "Yeah." "Listen, Jez, there's something I've been meaning to tell ya that I didn't wanna tell ya." " Yeah?" " Yeah, it's about Nancy." "I know you two aren't doing it, and it must've got to her, cos... the other day, she sucked me off... while I was having a widdle." "What?" "Yeah." "Not just as, obviously, but, er, right after." "I didn't want to - she's obviously into that sort of thing." "It was pretty disgusting." " I don't believe you." " Seriously." "I wouldn't lie about a thing like this." "Anyway, Mark saw the whole thing." "Mark?" "Yep." "I wouldn't've believed it, but I saw the whole darn shooting match." "Really?" "'Fraid so." "Definitely." "Fuck, I can't believe she'd do something like that." "Jez, cheer up, you'll get over her." "How could she do something like that to me?" "God..." "I love her." "I really love her." "What am I gonna do?" "You'll have forgotten her in a week." "You know what you're like, you big idiot." "Everything's turned from gold... into shit." " Jez?" " Yeah?" "It-It was... a joke." "A joke?" "Yeah, we... we were joking." "She didn't suck his widdle." "It was a put-on." "Yeah." "We stagged ya, good and proper." "Oh, right." "Brilliant." "Yeah, you fucking... guys." "You got me all right." "Yeah... brilliant." "'There he goes, dead man walking." "'I tried, I failed." "'Got to let him make his own mistakes like Dad did with me and the Strimmer.'" " She looks lovely, doesn't she?" " Yeah." "Jesus, didn't realise I was with the fucking Nancy Appreciation Society." "Tony, if you'd like to bang her, why don't you just say it?" "OK." "I would like to bang her." "Hi, we're here to get married." "Just one thing before we start." "To be different, when I'm meant to say "I do," I want to say "Do I."" " I'm sorry?" " You know, "Do I?" as in "Do I ever?" "!"" "You should've spoken to someone about this before." "No, but "Do I?" as in "Do I?" "!"" "I'm sorry, he's just excited." "We're both so happy to be getting married." "'Where's Sophie?" "She said she'd be here." "'Don't get hung up, Mark." "It's over." "Case closed.'" "Do you take Nancy as your wife and promise to walk by her side for ever as her best friend, her lover and her soul mate?" "Do I?" "!" "Say "I do."" "I do." "It was a lovely service, wasn't it?" "I know some people go for that country church vibe, but we were "Who's this wedding for, us or the tourist board?"" "Hey, Nance." "You've met Auntie Helen." "Hi." "Jez, I've got great news." "Oh, brilliant, what?" "The health club called - the receptionist job?" "I'm underqualified but if I make it there by four they'll consider me." "Oh, OK..." "You're not going?" "No, obviously, yeah, you must go." "See you later, Jez." "See you later, Mrs Osborne." "Health club interview." "It's a biggie." "Really hope she gets it." "Anyway... on with the wedding." "Jez, you all right?" "Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to relax him for his speech." "It didn't relax him?" " Everything's fucked." " Calm down, it's gonna be OK." "Maybe you were right, Mark." "This wedding's all wrong." "It's against God and man and the rule of law and nature." "Listen, it's your special day, and even if I have to die of anxiety making an off-the-cuff speech, we're gonna keep it special." "So..." "ladies and gentlemen, you'll forgive me, I haven't prepared a proper speech, but then perhaps that's appropriate, since this isn't a proper wedding... or so the cynics may say." "But I say to those cynics," ""Listen, cynics, this is the modern world," ""and just because it's new and strange and unnerving" ""doesn't mean it's not brilliant."" "In Ancient Rome, they had Cupid." "In modern days, it's the Home Office." "Love is blind." "That's not a joke about David Blunkett." "No, seriously, I would never make that joke." "So I say to Jeremy and..." "Where's Nancy?" "Job interview, health club." "It's a biggie." "Oh." "OK." "I say to Nancy, "Good luck with the interview"" "and I say to Jeremy" ""Good luck with the marriage."" "And I think the rest of us can unite in saying, "Two fingers to the cynics"" "and raising our glasses... to true love." "True love." "And this first number is for Jez and Nancy." "Solid as a rock" "That's what this..." "I shouldn't have to be a machine in bed just because I meditate." "Hey, Mark, how's it going?" "Hey, Karen, good." "And you?" "Good, thanks." "It was good to see you in Gino's." "Got over the twitch, by the way." "Next time I have acupuncture I'll get someone else to do it for me." "'Look at me go, I'm charming!" "'" "So sorry if I was acting a bit weird." "I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out some time." "That sounds nice." "'I'm a natural!" "Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.'" "Hey, Mark." "Karen." " Sophie!" " Sorry I'm late." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Just been breaking up with Jeff." "Oh, God, Soph, really?" "Yeah." "It's all actually finally over." "Oh, Soph, I'm sorry, that's terrible." "'That wasn't convincing.'" "It's probably for the best." "Anyway, let's get pissed." "Bollocks to love!" "Bollocks to love!" "'Oh, God, I love you." "I love you so much.'" "So, you two are getting on well." "Yeah, we just arranged to go out." "Oh, right, great." "But why don't you come too, Soph?" " With the both of you?" " No, no, obviously, come along with..." "Sam!" " This is Sam." " Hi." "You two have loads in common." "Sam's a single Buddhist." "Just as long as you know I'm not a Tantric superman." "OK, why the hell not?" "Oh, this will be fun." "'She's only been single for a few minutes but already you've found her a new boyfriend." "'Nice work, Mr Fucking Stupid.'" "Hey, guys?" "What about if we move this chair from here over to here?" "That would be nice, wouldn't it?" "Mark, what do you think?" "My wife was saying maybe move that to there." "Sure, whatever." "Yeah, great one, Nance, brilliant." "Dooby dooby dooby dooby doo" "Dooby dooby dooby dooby doo..." "Nancy, it's lovely, your dooby-dooing, but could you wait till this ends?" "Do I dooby-doo?" "I didn't think I did." " You do." " Really?" "You definitely do." "You were dooby-doing all over the place." "If you think I was, I'll stop." "She definitely was." "I know." "We know." "It's OK." "We know." "So how do you feel it's going, Jez?" "What do you make of media sales?" "I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies... forever." " Yeah." "Still, welcome to the real world." " Yeah." "You keep saying that." "So, er... how's the marriage?" "Oh, good." "Pretty good." "You don't sound 110% there." "No, no, it's brilliant." "Obviously there are sometimes... niggles." "Niggles?" "That doesn't sound good." "It's all about compromise." "Compromise, niggles?" "Jesus, Jez." "You don't think?" "Isn't it normal for there to be little differences?" "No." "What sort of things are niggling?" "Stupid stuff." "What DVDs we watch." "Oh, stupid stuff like what you do with your free time." "Your life!" "Sounds like you're in a hellhole." "It's true, it is kind of annoying." "Last night we had to watch a whole load of Robin Williams' movies." "Oh, Robin Williams?" "That sap?" "She likes him?" "That is so sappy." "The guy is a stupid little... gherkin and so's anyone who likes him." "Yeah." "He is a bit like a gherkin." "You know what you should do?" "Get some Jim Carrey DVDs?" "Have an affair." "What?" "!" "Come on!" "Welcome to the real world." "Can you please stop doing that?" "You think people don't have affairs?" "Everyone does." "Mummy, Daddy, me, you..." "John Major." "No, but..." "Oh, affairs are great." "They're simple and no-one gets hurt." "They're simple?" "Sure!" "As simple as me closing the door." "And then putting my hand down your trousers." "And I was like, "You don't have to be enlightened to work here but it helps."" "'Sophie's eating up his whole Buddhist schtick." "'Got to stick it out." "Keep being charming to Sophie, 'stay cold to Karen, without breaking social convention.'" "Who's that?" "Hello?" "Jeff?" "'Oh, Jesus, don't kill me, I'm not her date." "Kill him." "'Actually, that'd be perfect.'" " You moved on pretty fucking quick." " Now's not the time to talk about it." "I've just come to pick up some stuff." "Don't mind me." "'Yeah, right, don't mind the maniac!" "How are we supposed to not mind him?" "'" "So, er... old question, but John or Paul, who was the best?" "Paul, obviously, but for the sake of argument." "That's mine, pal." "'Shit." "This is just not normal." "Someone's gotta do something." "'He's gonna do nothing like Jeff's the invading Chinese army." "'They're... women, that old get-out." "'Oh, God, it's gotta be me.'" "Listen, Jeff," "I er..." "I think, you know, it's time you left." "Oh, really?" "And what are you gonna do about it exactly?" "What am I gonna do?" "'What am I gonna do?" "!" "'" "Nothing... except stand here like a civilised man and wait for you to do the civilised thing and leave." "Yeah, well, I'll just be getting some CDs out the bedroom." "'Brilliant." "Probably looks like I was ready to punch him 'when actually I was gonna use the Buddhist as a human shield.'" "Wow, Nance, this is amazing." "You've been so sweet putting up with me and my dumb sappy movies." "Mom called." "She's so pissed we got married I thought she was gonna shit." "Oh." "But, um... it kinda got me thinking." "I mean, although this obviously isn't a real marriage, it still is a marriage, obviously." "I mean, legally, and therefore probably in the eyes of God." "But I thought you thought it was just a stupid piece of paper." "It is, but a potentially holy one." "Anyway, I got thinking that those feelings about guilt around sex, maybe they won't be such a problem any more." "You mean we might start to..." "'Fuck niggles, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." "'Oh, God, why did I... with Toni?" "'Try and forget." "Mash will help." "'Mash will clog up my brain and make everything all right.'" "Oh!" "You are gonna pay for that!" "En garde, monsieur." "'Toni, shit, gotta deal with Toni.'" "Um, Nance, I'm really sorry but I've got to go." "Oh." "OK." "Super Hans is thinking about going back on the crack." "I'll get him a Scotch egg." "That will usually take his mind off it." "Look, Toni, this is... wrong." "Why?" "Won't Tony be back soon?" "Tony's never coming back." " What?" " Tony ran for the hills." "He's at home in Lincoln getting his tummy rubbed by lovely Mummy." "Shit." "But me and Nancy, we're married and..." "Mm." "What about me, Jeremy?" "What about Toni?" "Where's my lollipop?" "Why should I have to go without a husband?" "Where's my piece of pie?" "The farmer wants a wife, Jeremy." " Don't answer it." " But it's Nancy." "Do you want me to have a chat to her about you and your cock?" " God, what a weird one." " I know." "So what do you think to Karen?" " Oh, she's nice." " Great." "Really nice." "She just... isn't..." "Isn't what?" "You." "I can't live" "If living is without you" "I can't give" "I can't give any more..." "'Public humiliation." "Welcome to my world, Jeff." "'Although personally I wouldn't've picked that dress to cry on.'" "But I guess that's just the way..." "Hey, Jez." "Hey, Nance." "Hey, Mark." "Oh, there you go, hubby." "How'd it go tonight?" "Ooh, pretty darn well!" "Nearly, really nearly, finally got it together with Soph." "Excellent." "Oh, yes!" "Now it's coming together, my friend." "Look at you with your beautiful American wife and me with my lovely maybe girlfriend." "We should get a couple of tandems and go to the Pyrenees and pick grapes or some crazy thing." "Oh, Jez, could you sleep on the couch tonight?" "I'm on my way to see Metallica at Wembley Arena and I've taken a coupla Es so I'm gonna start feeling pretty horny." "And if I meet somebody, and I probably will, we'll wanna come back and bone." "So I'll need the bed." "Later." "See you later." "Oh, by the way, we need milk." "Later, Mark." "Er, OK, later." "'Metallica... milk?" "'" "Is everything all right?" "I had an affair with Toni by mistake and Nancy found out because I told her." "Why?" "Because of stupid honesty." "And now we're going to stay married but apparently our relationship is nothing more than a husk." "A husk?" "That doesn't sound good." "Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?" "Honestly?" "Quite honestly, not brutally honestly." "Then... yeah, absolutely." "Cheers, mate." "No problem, mate." "I can't live" "If living is without you" "I can't live" "I can't give any more" "I can't live" "If living is without you" "I can't give..."