"Is-a too low, idiota." "Too low." "Bring up-a!" "Fine weather we're having Mr Macaroni, wha?" "Marconi!" "Macaroni is a pasta." "Yeah, whatever you say, Madoci." "Macaroni!" "Batteria!" "Connect the battery-a." "Santa Lucia!" "Today, we make history-a!" "Mamma mia!" "Mr President, last Tuesday ATF agents working at SETI, the civilian organisation that searches for extra terrestrial intelligence, reported that a twelve year old boy from Sulphur, Louisiana   ostensibly as part of a school science project," "called SETI headquarters to report that he had spotted a large, self-propelled unidentified object in the vicinity of the Earth's moon." "Do not be misled by feelings of sympathy for this boy, Mr President, he's likely part of the greatest threat the human race has ever faced." "The discovery of extra terrestrial life in the Earth's vicinity automatically triggered the Hague-Schlieffen plan, and the ATF went into immediate action." "We eliminated all personages employed at SETI, along with their relatives and acquaintances, and we destroyed their headquarters building." "The FBI effectively credited this action to religious fanatics, and our news organisations, with the exception of a few insignificant journalists, effectively bought the deception." "As per the plan, any potentially suspicious journalists were eliminated by the CIA." "I think we should congratulate the FBI, the CIA, and the boys at the Bureau of Alcohol," "Tobacco and Firearms on a job well done." "Remind me, what is the Hague-Schlieffen plan?" "The secret legislation authorised by Senators Hague and Schlieffen which you signed into law last year - they agreed to forget that little unpleasantness with the French ambassador's daughter." "Mr President, a communication has been arranged between you and the aliens." "It's due to start at 0900." "That's in exactly 37 seconds." "But I'm not prepared for that, you know I never speak without " "Don't worry, Mr President." "All possible answers have been carefully authored by our best scientists and philosophers." "Just follow the reply cards." "Do not say anything that is not on the cards." "The fate of the Earth is in your hands." "Do not be misled by outward appearances, Mr President." "These aliens are more advanced than we are, and can likely display themselves in ways calculated to make us lower our guard." "Stick to the cards." "OK, so - you're there, we're here." "What's the deal?" "We are a benign species, opposed to interplanetary conflict, and believe in equal opportunity for all beings, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation or planet of origin." "That's nice." "Look, let me start over, OK?" "I want you to tell me what the people on your planet are gonna do to make Stanley H Tweedle a happier man." "Is this right?" "Stick to the cards, Mr President." "All possibilities have been anticipated." "Do not deviate from the cards." "Congratulations on your birthday." "How'd you know it's my birthday?" "We look forward to sharing the many benefits of our combined knowledge." "Er, look " "I don't know when my birthday is, and I don't think you do either, OK?" "Whatever." "Let's get down to some real business here." "Now, I wanna know about your planet." "Why would a guy like me wanna go down there?" "Tell us about your species - are you friendly?" "Yeah, very, under the right circumstances, if you know what I mean." "You see, I'm just a man, like any other man, a regular guy, with " "Stick to the cards, Mr President." " hopes and dreams, and an interest in the finer things that life has to offer, especially warm, cuddly, smoochy things - you know what I mean." "Our planet is decaying in its own filth, and is best avoided by all aliens." "Look pal, I don't know what you're going on about, OK, except it doesn't make any sense at all." "Look - what I want is a place with nice beaches and good food and open minded interesting attractive women and not a whole lot else." "So, start helping me out here, OK?" "Make this work for me." "OK, so buddy, you're president of something or other, whoever you are, I think you should know I am Stanley H Tweedle, and I'm captain of the most powerful destructive force in the two universes," "and I've blown up plenty of planets, and if I don't start getting a little more co-operation from you," "I'm going to use your little blue planet for target practice!" "We have the capacity, and the will, to defend ourselves aggressively against any and all unfriendly alien intrusion." "Oh yeah?" "Well, OK, if that's the way you want it, fine by me!" "I've had quite enough attitude from you." "This conversation is over!" "The Earth is clearly threatened, Mr President." "It's time to put the full Hague-Schlieffen into effect." "I prefer to use my lucky pen, if you don't mind, Isambard." "Here - try my lucky pen." "I mean it." "There are good planets, and there are bad planets, and that is definitely not a good one, and I think the whole universe would just be far better off without it." "Lexx " "Blow up that stupid blue planet!" "Just - just - blow it up!" "Lexx - could you blow up that planet if I asked you to?" "Yes I could, captain." "I can blow up any planet you want." "That is what I do." "Thank you Lexx." "But we will not blow it up - yet." "It's just" " How come you still have the key to the Lexx, huh?" "I'm the captain, and I think I should have the key back right now!" "Kai." "Kai." "Don't you agree with me?" "I am the captain, and I should have the key back." "Well, as we all know, you can only get the key from me if I'm in the extreme of sexual ecstasy   or on the very edge of death." "Neither of which is about to happen right now." "Kill the bitch, Stan!" "The security guard can become captain and blow up the planet, and Kai, and I , and Kai, can sail off together on a slut free voyage." "In my memories, I have but limited knowledge of this universe." "However, I believe that this planet is at the very centre of the darkest part of the Dark Zone." "It may be advisable to leave the vicinity as soon as possible." "OK, well, that's enough for me." "Just come on Xev, just blow up the stupid planet and then we can go someplace else and we can find ourselves a nice planet." "It makes little difference whether or not you destroy this planet." "It is a type 13 planet, which typically destroys itself at about this stage of its development." "How?" "Sometimes through war, often through environmental catastrophe." "But more commonly a type 13 planet is unintentionally collapsed into a pea sized object by scientists trying to determine the mass of the Higgs-Bosen particle." "Xev - ask the Lexx how long it will take him to reach the nearest other solar system." "Lexx, how long will it take you to reach the next solar system?" "I do not know." "I was only able to eat a few small rocky bites, after I blew up the desert and water planets, and they were not very tasty." "I am still very hungry, so I cannot go very fast." "The Lexx has very little power reserve remaining." "It could take hundreds of standard years to reach the next solar system, and even if he shuts down fully, he may not be revivable once we arrive." "It's obvious." "The slut and the security guard should go down to the stupid planet and join the other lowlifes, and the robot head and the corpse he lusts after will stay up here on the Lexx forever and ever." "The next solar system may or may not have the digestible organic material that the Lexx needs." "This one clearly does." "GUARD!" "Any last words, Cobra?" "Yes." "Could somebody please clean my fingernails, they're filthy!" "The pinky." "Thank you." "Yes it is." "Yes." "Yes sir." "The governor?" "No, the ATF." "The ATF?" "The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms." "Are you sure about him?" "Cobra is the most psychotic killer on the planet, and therefore perfect.Mr Cobra - is that how you like to be addressed?" "Just Cobra." "Cobra." "Well, you have two choices, Mr Cobra." "You can either go straight back to the electric chair and be executed for your many crimes, or you can save the human race by assassinating its most dangerous enemy." "What's the deal?" "The deal is that you will be sent up in the space shuttle to intercept an enemy alien spacecraft." "You will then board the craft and kill the crew." "I don't know how to drive a space shuttle." "Think of it as a taxi." "NASA pilots will be doing the driving." "All that you will have to do is what we all agree you are very good at doing - the killing." "What's my reward?" "Certain death." "It's a one way mission." "The shuttle will use all its fuel to get to the alien craft." "There will be no return journey." "The only payment will be your opportunity to do some more maiming, mutilation and murder before entering oblivion yourself." "Now there's room on the shuttle for three more men" " Black Berets, CIA special ops, Vaticanos - anyone you want." "I need only two men" " Mustafa Alhambra, and Ray Simonovitch." "And where might one find these two gentlemen?" "Half the CIA is on Alhambra's trail in Afghanistan." "That's Mohammed Alhambra." "Mustafa Alhambra - he's a manicurist, in Boston." "Ray Simonovitch - he's my personal trainer." "So - do we have a deal?" "Green lights all the way, Houston." "We're on our way to the moon." "God speed, Mission Light Brigade." "We're with you all the way." "Just across the bay." "What do you mean by that?" "They are safe and sound on Earth." "Not up here, on a one way trip." "You NASA guys might be on a one way trip - not me." "Me neither." "Face it - there's no going home for any of us, and I consider it an honour and a privilege to give my life to save the whole human race." "So, tell us - how do you drive this thing?" "First you have to become a top gun pilot." "Then you have to spend eight very challenging years in simulators before your name even gets on the list." "But it's not really that hard, once you get used to it." "Show me." "You put this lever here in drive, when you want to go forward, and R, when you want to go in reverse." "And, er, how do you control the speed?" "With this pedal down at your foot - just like in a car." "I am so hungry." "I could eat a whole continent." "But you're only going to eat a small green salad." "You heard him, Lexx." "Just enough to keep you going." "Just a small green - what?" "Salad." "Salad." "A small green salad is not enough for me to fly away at full speed." "Mission Light Brigade?" "Mission Light Brigade?" "Yes, Houston?" "New information, the alien craft has left it's stationary orbit on dark side of the moon and is now on a trajectory aimed directly towards the Earth, in the vicinity of south america." "We recommend that you modify your course." "Yes, Houston?" "Can we speak to Commander Bricklin or Dr. Truro?" "Er - they're having a little oxygen problem Houston, and are tied up in the back." "Can we see them?" "Big negative on that, Houston." "I'm sorry, but we insist." "We must see officers Truro and Bricklin." "OK - but only if you really, really insist." "We really, really insist." "OK." "You asked for it." "Smile Truro, and you, Bricklin." "Cheese!" "Look!" "It's working." "It's coming at us real fast, Cobra." "We'd better slow down." "No brakes, this thing has no brakes!" "It must have been an option." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmmm." "First a tasty snack, then a salad." "I am excited today." "The other way, the other way!" "Go back!" "Go back, you're going to hit it!" "The alien space ship, it's turning with us!" "Houston." "Houston!" "Can you read me?" "What is that?" "Hey!" "Eww!" "Ready?" "I really think you should switch that off." "Well, they said it would be a one way trip." "We have contact." "Mother Gaia, we thank you for the gift of this divine moment." "It's beginning." "We should be able to see them with the naked eye soon." "It's really happening, honey." "I'm right here in the middle of the Amazon jungle, watching the last living pair of luminescent Paraguayan toucans doing the glowing thing just like on the Discovery Channel." "A bird that only a few years ago was thought to be just an Indian legend, which I am about to capture on my own camera." "What was that?" "I don't know." "Hey - you guys said this part of the jungle was totally undisturbed - in fact, you guaranteed it ." "You bring those birds back, or return my twelve thousand bucks." "Those birds are back here in ten minutes, or you're gonna hear from my lawyer!" "As we predicted, the exit polls are confirming thatthe Republicans and Democratic candidates areneck and neck." "But an early curiosity is the equally strong showing for independent candidate, war hero Reginald J Priest." "Who is Reginald J Priest?" "Reginald J Priest is the Vietnam war pilot shot down over Laos in 1969, who hidden in the jungle for the last three decades, until he turned himself into a Belgian tour bus - turned himself over to a Belgian tour bus, earlier this year." "I don't understand this at all." "Typically, we find voters, who are frustrated with the traditional parties, often express this frustration by casting their ballots for independents." "So it may be that this particular exit sample is telling us that Americans are very frustrated." "But I have to admit, it's certainly a first to see somany voters support the same, almost unknowncandidate." "No-one, including us, seems to know very much about Reginald J Priest, other than the fact that he was a Vietnam War MIA." "But we remind you that this is just an early exit poll, which will likely have little further meaning as the official results start pouring in from across the nation." "You know Bob, I have to admit that in the privacy of the poll booth this morning, I couldn't bring myself to vote for either one." "And Reginald Priest did hold out in the jungle for thirty two years, so I put my mark beside his name..." "This is Prince." "Really?" "... and it looks like a lot of other people have had the same bright idea." "This could skew the results!" "Mr President, it's the National Security Council." "Can't they leave me alone, it's the middle of election night!" "They say that the alien spacecraft has taken a bite out of the Amazon rain forest, leaving a large lake." "Maybe this Priest guy will siphon off votes from Huff more than me.Maybe this is just what I need to go over the top." "NASA has lost contact with the space shuttle and think that the crew are dead." "Who cares about the stupid space shuttle in the middle of election night?" "!" "Results are pouring in from all over the eastern time zone and - and - er, ladies and gentlemen, the computer is making a prediction that the President of the United States of America for the next four years will be " "Repeat that please." "What?" "!" "Hold on, please." "We are experiencing technical difficulty." "You know the computer's been wrong before!" "Democracy never fails to humiliate the arrogant, whether they be experienced political pundits, or politicians who've lost the faith of the American people." "The next President of the United States of America is independent candidate, and Vietnam war hero " " Reginald J Priest." "We will take you now live to Mr Priest's campaign headquarters in Atlantic City, New Jersey." "My first official act will be to pardon President Davison for his crimes." "What crimes are you referring to?" "All of them." "Well, that's a relief." "It's part of my policy of a general amnesty for all criminals whose names begin with the letter P." "But" " Davison starts with a D." "Both P and D then." "The people have let me down." "The people are human beings, Mr President - and human beings are a flawed species." "Captain?" "What, 790?" "You don't mind if I still call you captain, even tough Xev has the key?" "No." "Do you think there's any chance my beloved dead man might prefer to be with a dirty little love slave over a good looking, clever, passionate, well oiledrobot head who pines for his stiffness everysecond of the day?" "I wouldn't rule it out." "What?" "!" "Actually, you know, I think Kai does prefer to be with Xev." "Kill the cow, Stanley!" "It's the best thing you could ever do for me." "And when Xev dies, the key will leave her and flow into your body and you will be captain again." "You know, 790, you've got a one track mind." "Thank you." "Xev will give me the key back, and I will be captain again, I know it." "You won't." "The only way to get it out of her is to either bring her to the extreme edge of sexual ecstasy or to the moment of death." "You can't bring Xev to the edge of sexual ecstasy because she finds you utterly and completely repulsive, so that means you have to kill her sooner or later, and I would prefer sooner." "You know, 790, I admit sometimes Xev really does make me feel like wanting to kill her, you see, but I'm not a psychotic robot head so the answer is definitely no." "I'll kill her then." "No you won't." "Yes I will." "How?" "I'll find a way." "I will!" "I'll kill her for you." "You will?" "You show me how to get the key to drive this ship, and that dirty little love slave will be history." "You're not attracted to six thousand year old dead men, are you?" "In what sense?" "In the romantic and devoted, uncontrollably, madly, passionate robot head in love sense." "No." "I could be." "790's circuits are fried." "Well, he says he wants to kill Xev, because he thinks that you might prefer to be with her instead of him." "The dead do not have preferences." "Well, the mechanical minded definitely do." "Look, I'm afraid that if you don't tell him right now that he's not allowed to kill Xev, he just might find a way to do it." "Do you want me to destroy 790?" "Yes!" "Well - no." "Look, he's definitely irritating, babbling all day long about you and your dead body, but he is " "What?" "I dunno - he's - he's a " "Useful?" "No, no - um " "What, then?" "Well, look, much as I don't like him, and I mean that when I say it - er, it's just I don't want to see him thrown onto the scrap heap just yet because - he's part of the family, I guess." "What family?" "Us." "And Kai, you gotta help me put some sense into Xev.The Lexx ate, so we should move on." "To where?" "To a planet where people aren't so rude." "Lexx has eaten enough to sustain his systems for now, but he must consume far more organic material if he is to be able to travel any distance at full speed." "Oh, so what do you suggest?" "The dead do not make suggestions..." "normally." "But there is clearly more than sufficient organic material on the blue planet to satisfy Lexx's dietary needs." "Isn't that the space shuttle?" "Xev." "May I do that for you?" "Who are you?" "I am a love slave." "I thought all love slaves were women." "Why?" "Where'd you come from?" "I've been on he Lexx for a long time, since you first left the Cluster." "How come I've never seen you before?" "The Lexx is a big ship." "It certainly is - big." "How'd you survive?" "I placed myself in a cell, in the moth breeding chamber." "Xev" " I am a love slave." "I have special needs, and special talents." "I definitely have special needs - and very special talents.Four thousand years is a long time." "Too long." "How do you know my name?" "A love slave has to be careful to survive." "I've been watching you for a long time." "I just could not hold on any longer." "Neither can I." "790, promise me you will not do anything to harm Xev." "Kai, my circuits are sizzling with desire!" "Let's run away, the two of us." "We don't need the Lexx." "We don't need oxygen." "We can spend the rest of our lives in a vacuum - on that moon!" "Kai is not going to spend the rest of his life anywhere, because Kai is dead." "I know that, and I don't have a body either, but my love is very much alive, so what else do we need?" "Stan?" "What now, meat grinder?" "Let's talk." "Yeah, about what?" "Things." "What things?" "You and me." "Our friendship." "How we both desire other people, but can never find the fulfilment we seek." "We have a lot in common." "Oh, I have nothing in common with you, pal." "What is it, 790?" "What?" "There is something you are not telling us." "Yeah." "What?" "It hurts to lust for the dead." "That is not it." "Well what is it then?" "You tell us." "Is it something about Xev?" "Answer." "I told them everything they needed to know in order to get the key, and they agreed to kill Xev for me." "Who?" "I don't know!" "The evil murderers who came onto the bridge." "I don't care as long as they get rid of Xev." "I have a surprise for you, Xev." "What's that?" "Oh..." "I'm a bad boy." "I don't mind." "No, but you don't understand" " I am a very bad boy." "I'm a very bad girl." "I do believe that, baby, but what I mean is that all I intended to do was kill you   to get the key to this ship." "But now that I've seen what you look like in the flesh, I'm going to break with my tradition and do you first." "And once I have my complete personal and uniquely special satisfaction, I'm going to squeeze the breath right out of you." "Why are you telling me this?" "It makes it more exciting, doesn't it?" "No." "Well it does for me baby, and that's all that counts." "You see" " I am not a baby, and - yes." "Go ahead, big boy - and do me." "I dig, dig your claws." "They're nice - but not perfect." "What?" "Your nails." "What about them?" "I'm going to smooth off a few of the rough edges." "And when I am satisfied that they are as perfect as they can be" " I will kill you." "I don't think you're well." "No, I definitely am not - but I promise you - you will be a well manicured corpse." "What was that?" "I'm a little more than just a love slave." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "I'm also part Cluster lizard." "A what?" "A hot tempered and very nasty animal." "You almost got it right, baby, but it's me who's going to do you." "And once I've got my complete and personal satisfaction, then I'm going to snap you in two." "I suggest that you stand behind me, Stanley." "Why?" "As an assassin of the Divine Order, I am rather familiar with the sequence of events now likely to occur." "OK." "Where is Xev?" "You mean the dirty little love slave?" "Xev is a love slave - and also the only woman onboard this vessel." "Well, she's about to have a problem with her oxygen supply." "I will not permit that." "Oh, is that right?" "Yes." "That is right." "You're asking for it, paleface - and I'm happy to give it to you." "What's happened to them?" "They are dead." "How?" "Divine assassins are very efficient killers." "What was that sound?" "What sound?" "That banging." "Nothing." "You're lying." "What's that thing in your hand?" "It's a gun." "What's a gun?" "You don't know?" "No." "A gun is the last thing you're ever going to see." "Bye bye." "Bye bye, baby." "I guess I must have been near the edge of death." "The very edge - and the key knew it." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Too bad though." "Excuse me?" "I was hoping to have a little fun with him first." "I don't understand you, Xev." "I don't understand you at all." "Lexx?" "Yes, captain?" "Who's your captain?" "Stan, Stan, and only Stan." "Hey - just like my Buick Routemaster." "What's that?" "It says Department of Energy on it." "Don't they make atomic bombs?" "What was that?" "Yeah, what was it?" "I think I must have eaten something hot." "That was a 23.4 megaton nuclear explosion, likely caused by a fusion of tritium and hydrogen." "Typically the most advanced weapons of type 13 planets prior to their collapse." "So." "So?" "So, I'm gonna blow up that planet." "Lexx can eat the chunks." "Oh yeah." "No." "No?" "What do you mean, no, Xev?" "It's a type 13 planet, they just tried to blow us up and kill us." "And they are completely rude." "I've seen just enough of this planet already." "Let's just blast it and get outta here!" "Just because some people are bad doesn't mean the whole planet is bad." "OK, Xev, OK." "If you really, really insist, I'll agree to leave without blowing it up, but I will not agree to staying here any longer." "Fine." "We can leave - after I check it out." "Oh, no, Xev, why?" "Because I'm part Cluster lizard, and Cluster lizardsare carnivores and that makes me have a curiousnature." "And - it might have some potential." "And it might have some potential?" "What potential?" "The potential to satisfy a woman." "Look, what do you have in mind?" "What I have in mind, is get in a moth, go down to little blue planet and see what it's like for myself." "If I like what I see, I'll stay.If not, I'll leave with you." "Coming?" "No." "OK." "Will you at least wait for me - captain?" "I might." "Will you come with me, Kai?" "If you would like." "I would like." "I'm coming too!" "No you're not." "I am!" "I have to stand by my man." "You will remain here, with Stanley." "I would rather die a thousand deaths." "One would do." "Bye!" "Yeah, phh..." "Robot head, I am gonna melt you down." "How?" "I'll find a way." "Subtitles made by Audician"