"Barney, check it, three blond babies drinking bad decision juice at 8 o'clock." "Nice rack radar." " That's my wife." " No, I got to get going." "Seriously?" "But they're blond and drunk." "Isn't that your type?" "Maybe I don't have a type, Lily." "God, do you think the male mind is really that simplistic, that we all have one favorite type?" "Jeez." "Asian with some boob." "I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail." "Okay, have you guys noticed Barney's been acting weird lately?" "Actually, yes." "You know how Barney always says never buy a girl flowers, because giving her a living thing reminds her of babies?" " Sure." " Well, the other day," "I saw him at that flower shop on 82nd buying roses." " What?" " Wait, now that you mention it," "Barney did do something kind of odd at the office yesterday." "Okay, see you Saturday." "I'm thinking brunch, farmer's market, maybe a hike." "I love you, too." "Bye." "I figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail." "Or Ted, but now I don't know." "Wait, do you think it's possible that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend?" "Later." "Wait, Barney, hold on." "Where are you going?" "Nowhere." "The beach." "It's winter." "Laser tag." "Home." "Shut up." "You're going somewhere." "Oh, my God." "He's meeting her right now." " Where is Barney going?" " Yeah." "We're not even in Manhattan anymore." "Where's this girl live?" "We're talking about a woman who's actually gotten Barney Stinson to commit." "I'm guessing Narnia." "Oh, oh, he's stopping." " What the hell are you guys doing here?" " Where is she?" " Who?" " Your girlfriend." "Oh, hello." "Wow, you really don't have a type, do you?" "Ah..." "These are my friends." "Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin." "Guys, this is Loretta." " My mom." " It's so nice to meet you." "I feel like I already know you all." "Barney goes on and on about you every day when we talk." "Aw!" "You call your mom every day?" "No." "Mom!" "So that's what you were being all secretive about?" "You didn't want us to know you're a big old mama's boy." "Yep, you got me." "Well, guess you guys can leave." "Oh!" " Hello." " Hi." "Barney, who are all these people?" "Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, I'd like you to meet Betty, my wife." "And my son Tyler." "Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready." "There'll be plenty for everyone." "But remember, you, only one helping of meatloaf after what Dr. Grossbard said" " about your cholesterol." " This one wants me to live forever." "Guilty." " I love you." " I love you, too." " I love you three!" " Get out of here, you little scamp!" " So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?" " What the hell, Barney?" "Okay, it's a long story." "As you know, my father had to leave my mom when I was a baby because he got hired as the host of The Price Is Right." " It was a very good show." " Bob Barker is your father." "She had to raise my brother and me by herself." "And her only wish was for her sons not to wind up alone, like she was." "Then about seven years ago, she got really sick." "It looked like she wasn't going to make it." "So I decided to make her wish come true." "Mom, this is Betty." "We're engaged." "I hired an actress to play my fiancée "Betty. "" "Her real name's Margaret." "She mostly does off-Broadway theater." "Wonderful actress." "This close to a Tony." "It's all who you know." "It's very political." "I shouldn't get into it." "But there's one problem." "Betty has a slight tendency to go off-book." "You see, Mom?" "I found someone who makes me happy." " Just like you wanted." " That's wonderful." "I just wish I could've stuck around long enough for grandchildren." "I'm pregnant!" "And then my mom got better." "Which was miraculous." "But it meant that I had to keep "Betty"" "around and cast a kid to play my son Tyler." "This is crazy." "You actually cast your own son?" "Well, for a while," "I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby." "Then this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog," "I got away with a bag of flour and a Chucky mask." "But eventually I had to hold auditions." "4, 8," "13, you can stay." "The rest of you may go." "You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part." "Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid." "Bring in the 11:00's!" "And that's how the role of Tyler eventually went to" "Grant." " Come on, Grant seems pretty good." " You think so?" "Watch this." "Hey, Tyler." "Tyler." "Tyler." " Grant." " Yeah?" "See?" "It's like amateur hour over here." "Call me crazy, but child actors were way better back in the '80s." "Well, Barney, it looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it." "Yeah, that sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed." "Hey, The Karate Kid is a great movie." "It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship." "Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid, but he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat." "Wait." "When you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?" "No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate." "When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid," "Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo." "Get your head out of your ass, Lily." "Okay, I just figured out where I know you from." "I saw you perform at the Disorientation Theater in Bertolt Brecht's Die heilige Johanna der Schlachthöfe last fall." "You were a revelation!" " Really?" " Yeah." "Oh, thanks." "I wasn't sure." "I mean, the point of Brecht's work, of course, is to" " alienate the audience." " Alienate the audience." "Sure." "Sorry." "Brecht-o-phile right here!" "Wow, you really know your theater." "Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on and she never let go." "Every year at Christmas," "I'd put on a little play for the parents with all the other kids." "Gee whiz, Santa, do you think we can take off in this kind of snow?" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Ricky!" "Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here in half an hour, and you're still butchering my words." "Looks like I'm gonna have to write, direct and star in this thing." "Give me your elf hat." "Go sit." "I always secretly wanted to be an actor." "It's one of those life dreams that just slipped away, I guess." "Listen, if you want, I could give you some tips on acting." " Really?" "Oh!" " I'd love to." "Okay, acting rule number one, don't be afraid to..." "At least someone's still excited about acting." "I miss that." "So, you don't like playing Barney's son?" "I hate it." "But what can I do?" " The phone just ain't ringing." " Yeah, I know what you mean." "I'm a newscaster." "But I just had to take a job hosting a local morning show that airs at 4:30 in the morning." "I just thought I'd be so much further along by this point, you know?" "I'm almost 30." "Come on, you still look great." "I love your nose job." "I never had a nose job." "Right." "Me neither." "I can't believe we haven't met you before." "Who knew Barney had such a great mom?" "Thanks, dear." "Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger." "Oh, don't say that." "I'm sure you were great." "Yeah, I was a bit of a whore." "Excuse me?" "A whore, dear." "A dirty whore." "I'm not proud of it." "But still I had some fun." "There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking," ""I don't know your name, you don't know mine," ""but for the next eight minutes," ""we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom" ""right off its foundation." ""And then just drive off in opposite directions." ""Just keep driving. "" "Barney's mom?" " Loretta." " Loretta." "Oh!" "Anyway, that's all in the past now." "I did the best I could, but sometimes I wonder how Barney turned out to be so perfect." "You have to tell your mom the truth, okay?" "Listen, she is a sweet, caring, slightly-too-graphic woman who deserves better." "No." "No way." "The truth would kill her." "I don't feel right about lying to such a kindhearted woman, okay?" "She reminds me of my own mother." " What?" " "Kindhearted"?" "Remember in our wedding vows when I said we'd be together forever?" "Well, on our way back up the aisle, your mother leaned in and she said," ""Not forever, sweetie." "Marshall's going to Heaven. "" " She was making a joke." " She hates me, Marshall." "But that's okay because..." "Never mind." "No." "What were you gonna say?" "Nothing." "Hey, do you want to go do it in Barney's childhood bedroom again?" " On the racecar bed?" " Handles great, buddy." "Look, Lily, if today has taught us nothing else, it's that honesty is important when it comes to family." "Now, whatever you're feeling towards my mother, we've been together for 12 years, baby." " I think that I can handle it." " Really?" " Yeah." " Okay." "I hate your mom." "Well, guess what?" "I hate you!" " Two-minute warning for meatloaf!" " Meatloaf?" "Tyler no likey!" "Grant, we have been over this a million times!" " You are not getting a catchphrase!" " But it's funny." "Grant, I am not afraid to recast." "Now go memorize your lines for the big dinner scene." "Wait." "So you wrote the dinner we're about to have?" "Yeah, yeah." "Just a short script." "Just things that will make my mom happy to hear." "What kind of things?" "And I really thought Barney had forgotten our anniversary." "So I storm out to the backyard, and there's smoke coming out of my ears." "Nostrils flaring." "Her nostrils flare when she gets mad." "I love it." "Doing it right now." "Doing it right now!" " You better stop, mister!" " Okay, okay." "Sorry, sorry, boo bear." "Continue." "This is what you're actually like in a relationship." "So I storm out to the backyard and..." "Candles everywhere and a string quartet." " Can you believe that?" " No, not even slightly." "What about my little Ty-Ty?" "What have you been up to?" "Funny story, just the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare." "And when he came in to tell us what it was about..." "Do you remember what you said, champ?" "Uh..." "Page four." "The dinosaur bones in the museum came to life and started chasing me?" "All right, thanks a lot, buddy." "I didn't need to sleep tonight." "No." "Tyler said, "My nightmare was" ""that you and Mommy didn't know how much I loved you." ""So I wanted to come in and tell you it was this much. "" " Aw!" "That's so sweet." " We're a sweet, happy family." "Okay, I'm gonna grab some ice cream from the freezer downstairs and then we'll all hit the sundae bar in the kitchen." "Wow." "Not a weak link in that scene." "Bravo." "Back off, Barney." "You have no idea how hard it is to do a job that's beneath you." "Grant, I really enjoyed your thing about the dinosaur bones." "Can we please stop talking about the dinosaur bones?" " Just go eat your sundae." " I can't." "I'm lactose intolerant." "Well, guess who's not lactose intolerant?" "Tyler." "Tyler is gonna go in there and enjoy every last bite." " Ice cream time, gang." " Yummers!" "Oh, my God!" "Tyler no likey." "You're not getting a catchphrase." " I don't understand." " I do." "Follow my lead." "I've been betrayed by my best friend." "How could you do this, Ted?" "Think about poor Tyler, bravely trying to hold back tears." "It's okay, son, you can cry." "Cry!" "I don't want my mommy and daddy to get divorced!" "Wow!" "What could you possibly have to say for yourself?" "Acting rule number one, don't be afraid to improvise." "Was it me who betrayed you, or you who betrayed me?" "I'm sorry." "What?" "Acting rule number five, invent a rich back-story for your character." "November 14th, 1998." "The overnight train to Monte Carlo." "I was in the billiards car, hustling some Algerians out of a few thousand dinar, when you seduced my fiancée," "who is blind and thought you were me." "Yes." "What in God's name are you talking about?" "Acting rule number eight, don't be afraid to get physical." "Ow!" "You know damn well what I'm talking about!" "No, I don't!" "Yes, you do!" "And, by God, I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!" " Mom, can you give us a sec?" " Okay." " There's chocolate and butterscotch." " Okay, thanks." "Now just..." "There are various kinds of sprinkles and marshmallows." "Just..." "Have you lost your mind?" "You were amazing!" "You completely just became that character." "Honestly, I wasn't so much playing Ted as I was just trying to get out of Ted's way." "What is wrong with you people?" "Ted, how am I ever gonna explain this to my mother?" "Well, maybe it's time to tell her the truth, Barney." "I don't know, Lily." "Sometimes, honesty leads people to say mean things about a woman who always took special care of me because I was the runt of the family." "For crying out loud, I'm only 6'4"!" "How good was my crying?" "You nailed it." "See?" "Even at a gig you hate, you still managed to love what you do." "Maybe that's how it will be for you at your new job." " You think so?" " I know so." "Thanks, Grant." "You're pretty smart, you know that?" " Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " Sorry!" "Sorry!" "Thought I was picking up on something." "Honey, are you okay?" "Look, Mom, there's something I have to tell you." "Something I should have told you a long time ago." "Tyler is dying." "And Betty said that when he goes, she's gonna off herself." "So that's all probably gonna go down pretty soon." "Oh, my God!" "Okay, no." "No!" "None of that is true!" "The truth is, I..." "The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors that I hired to pretend to be my family." "What?" "I just wanted you to think I had the life you wanted for me." "I wanted you to be proud of me." "I know it sounds crazy, and I am so sorry, Mom." " So Betty is not your wife?" " No." "Thank God!" "I do not like that woman." " Really?" " Yes." "And Tyler..." "I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, but I hate that kid. "Tyler no likey. "" " What the hell is that?" " Right?" "And those fake friends of yours out there, I just wanted to shoot myself." "I know!" "Aren't they horrible?" "So really, really, you're not mad?" "No, I'm just confused." "I don't know why you thought you had to do this." "Barney, I love you, perfect family or no perfect family." "I love you no matter what." " Really?" " Really." "Oh, I am so relieved because the truth is I am as far from married as a human being can possibly be." "My history with women would shock and appall you." "Doesn't matter." "I still love you." "Seriously, you can't imagine the things I have done." "Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad, being passed around like a bong." "Mommy!" "Just do me a favor." "If you ever do meet someone special, don't run away from it." "Don't be me." "Take a shot at it, will you?" "Hey, Barney, cab's here." "I'll try." "And so ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives." "And I just wanted to say to you, if I ever seemed cold or unwelcoming, I'm sorry." " Who's she talking to?" " My mom." "It would mean a lot to me if you and I could be closer." "Now take a deep breath like this next thing is gonna be hard to say." "I love you." " Mom." " Yes." "...Mom." "Now pretend I said something nice." "Now pretend I said something nice." "I mean, that's very nice of you to say, Judy." "Okay." "You, too." "Speak soon." "Let me get this straight." "You're really telling me that when you watch The Karate Kid," " you don't root for Daniel-san?" " Nope." " Who do you root for in Die Hard?" " Hans Gruber, charming international bandit." "At the end, he died hard." "He's the title character." "Okay, The Breakfast Club." "The teacher running detention." "He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit." "I got one." "Terminator." "What's the name of the movie, Robin?" "Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end and he didn't get to kill those people?" "I'm sorry." "That movie..." "I am never watching a movie with you ever again." "They didn't even try to help him!"