"Can't believe how many famous people are at this charity thing." "There's that one guy from the commercial." "Oh, my God, look, there's what's his face from music." "Huh." "Oh, my God." "That's Hope Solo." "The guy from Star Wars?" "Hope Solo?" "The olympic soccer player?" "The hot girl?" "Yeah, is she hot?" "I don't- you know, I can't- I don't know." "Oh, my God." "She's coming over here." "Be cool." " You be cool." " Yeah." "Is this the line for the bar?" "I have- if there's, um- mojitos." "I'm good, thanks." "I'm sorry?" "I'm sorry, I think he's trying to say the word "yes. "" "Yeah, yeah." "Hi, I'm Alex." "Hi, I'm Hope." "Hi." "This is my friend, Whitney." "Wow." "Wife." "Friend." "Okay." "How long have you guys been together?" "Four years." "Good luck with that, Alex." "Oh, I can't believe I just did that." "Look, I-I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you." "Okay, to be clear, a hot, female athlete came over here, and you tried to pretend like you were-had-that you" "Sorry." "I am trying very hard to be mad about this." "You just came off like such an idiot." "Okay, uh, yeah, you know, I was a big idiot." "Wah-wah." "Why would she go out with you?" "She's young, she's gorgeous, she's talented." "Well, I got you." "Thank you." "Um, so what was I angry about?" "Hey." "How was your date?" "Amazing." "Really?" "What amazing date ends at 9:15?" "You know, not everyone waits till the last call to go home." "Come on, this is, like, your third time out with him, isn't it?" "Didn't he invite you back to his place or anything?" "Yeah, he can't." "He lives in a loft with a bunch of roommates, which sucks, 'cause we haven't been able to spend the night together." "That is the perfect situation for a guy." "There's this girl that I've been seeing." "That's right." "I'm a man, I have needs." "So just consider yourself on the back burner until further notice." "And I'm really into the fact that she never wants to spend the night." "And you think that's a good thing?" "Yeah, we all think it's a good thing, right?" "Right?" "Just so you know, I don't care." "What?" "That you're seeing someone." "I mean, it sounded like you thought I cared, but I don't." "So I am going to go to the back burner." "Bathroom." "Hey, listen, Mark, if a girl doesn't want to sleep over, usually it means that she doesn't see you as a provider, or at least a real option." "Yeah, girls don't usually leave unless they have a really good reason, like they're in love with someone else, or everything in your place is wet." "Well, she has to get up early for work in the morning." "Oh, what does she do?" "Bartender." "Wait, that doesn't make sense." "All right, uh, let me just call her." "Hello?" "Uh, Kinko's?" "Is Shelly there?" "Shelly." "Look, man, Shelly ain't there, okay?" "But ask Tamika if my passport photo is ready." "Oh, don't answer it." "Come on, we're watching the news." "Saturday Night Live is not the news." "It's Chloe." "Oh." "Your ex-fiancee is texting you?" "Nope." "I feel nothing." "Yeah, she said she has a job interview in the city this weekend and she wants to know if she can crash here." "Yeah... no." "You want to hear something funny?" "What did you do?" "Well, last time I saw her, I kind of mentioned that if she was ever in town, she could crash here." "I'm sorry, what?" "Well, I didn't expect her to actually take me up on it." "She'll just be crashing here for one night." "Okay, first of all, stop saying "crashing. "" "You're 30, okay?" "Second of all, you want your ex-fiancee to stay with us in our one bedroom apartment, the one she used to live in before me?" "See, isn't that funny?" "No, it's weird." "Oh, come on, don't be like that." "You need to call her and tell her that she cannot stay here." "Oh, you know how she is." "She's so fragile." "Whenever she gets her feelings hurt, she just falls apart." "Okay, she does sound fun to hang out with, but she cannot stay here." "Wait a minute." "Is this about me not ordering those curtains yet?" "'Cause I can do it right now." "I'll pull it up online." "Let me do it online." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "This is about what this is about." "Okay, you're putting me in a completely uncomfortable situation." "How come you never wear that bracelet I got you?" "Stop trying to distract me." "I am not letting some desperate, broken girl come stay in your place." "Last time that happened, you got a wife." "That is my move." "Look, when you think about it, this isn't my fault." "You forced me to find Chloe and have us reconnect." "Okay, I wanted you to get closure with her, not for us to be Mormons." "Call her." "She's not answering." "Alex!" "All right." "Hey, Chloe." "Uh, hey, it's Alex." "Yeah, um- oh, I'm good." "Um, about Saturday- uh, turns out there's kind of a problem, and, uh- uh- Oh, no, it's not that." "It's just that, uh, Whit's not cool with it." "Alex, don't say that!" "Okay, change of heart." "You're confirmed." "See you Saturday." "Confirmed?" "Well, she got quiet, you got loud, I got scared." "Okay, it's Chloe." "Please play nice." "Okay, I'm going to be nice to her." "I'm not going to be nice to you." "Perfect, so just act how you normally do." " Hi, guys!" " Hi!" "Thank you so much for letting me stay here." "Fun ahead." "Hi." "Here, let me take your luggage." "Thank you." "Oh, no." "Not going to hug you, Alex." "I've had quite enough of that in my day." "Also, I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate some strange man's hands all over me." "Boyfriend?" "That is so great." " Nick is my soul mate." " Oh, okay." "We met when he sat next to me on a bus." "Hello, fate, nice to meet you, right?" "I" " I just feel like a new woman." "It's like, sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm like, "who are you?"" "But then I'm like, "oh, girl, I know who you are." "I didn't recognize you 'cause you're smiling so much. "" "Sit down, make yourself at home." "Oh, wow." "Hello again, couch." "This is really taking me back." "We spent a lot of time on this thing." "Movies." "She means watching movies." "Oh, uh, plus, uh, we re-covered the couch, so it's basically, like, a new couch." "Uh, Whitney picked out the fabric." "I love the new fabric." "I love Whitney." " Hey." " Hmm?" "I'm not going to lie, Whitney." "I was also a little bit worried about this." "I was all, "Chloe, this might be weird, girl. "" "But it's not." "Chloe, stop being so paranoid." "I'm sorry, I am lost." "Do you mind if I use the bathroom?" "Oh, no, no, no." "It's, uh, right- you know where it is, 'cause you lived here." "Ugh, a bottle of lotion exploded in my bag." "Bath and body works, one, Chloe, zero." "Do you have something that I could sleep in?" "Oh, I was hoping that you would ask that." "Ooh, ooh, Alex, do you still have those flannel pajamas that we got in Maine?" "What was that thing that you always said about Maine?" "Yeah, what was the thing?" "Um, in Maine, I was your main man." "Well, I'm obviously leaving, for sure." "Me too." "Let's, uh, let's do something." "What do you want to do?" "I'm so hungry." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "You are staying here with your guest." "I'm going to go down to Mark's." "And if he's not home, I'll just walk into oncoming traffic." "No, no, no." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Come on, you can't make me stay in here with her." "It'll be weird." "Oh, because it's not weird now?" "I am going down to Mark's." "Fun ahead." "Hey, Mark, can I, uh, hang out here for a while?" "Sure." "What's going on?" "Uh, Chloe." "Ooh, you left him alone up there with her?" "Oh, uh, he's not alone." "Apparently there's, like, two of her." "Hey, since you're here, could you maybe take a look around and see if there's anything obvious that might be making women not want to spend the night?" "You know I can't say no to you when you make that pathetic face." "I wasn't making a face." "This is just my face." "Well, first of all, this couch, it is really uncomfortable." "We've just never told you before 'cause we don't want to help you move a new one in here." "Oh, you only have red keg cups and paper plates." "Smart, huh?" "What this says to women is that everything is disposable to you, and that you can't commit to anything." "Or that it's always like an awesome keg party in here." "When you say it out loud, it does sound sad." "Okay, okay, okay." "What-what- why do you have a bunch of women's hair bands and Bobby pins?" "Girls are always leaving that stuff here, so I put them in a pile in case the next girl needs one." "No." "No, no, no, no." "Have you seen my laptop?" "Oh, you're on it." "I'm iChatting with your mom." "I haven't spoken to her in ages." "Yeah, I guess I got her in the breakup." "Look, Chloe, get off my computer." "I need to use it." "And stop talking to my mom." "She's confused enough about Whitney and I's relationship as it is." "Oh, this is Nick." "Okay, he's been freaking out all day because he thinks that I lied to him about where I'm staying, so just be quiet." "Okay." "Hey, baby." "Did you win that sword on eBay?" " Chloe!" " Alex!" "Nick." "Okay, I am staying with Alex, but the only reason why I didn't tell you was because I knew that you would be jealous, and it's really not that big of a deal." "No, please, don't hang up!" "He hung up." "Is he mad?" "No." "He will cool down, and he will call me back." "Chloe, Chloe, Chloe." "You are a strong queen." "And you are the perfect weight for your height." "Okay, there he is." "Wow, no." "No, thank you." "He broke up with me." "No, no, no, no." "You-what- you're the perfect weight for your height, or" "It happened." "It's happening." "Are you okay?" "He said that my staying here is completely inappropriate." "Why did you do this to me?" "Me?" "You're the one that asked to stay here." "You offered." "You accepted." "First of all, stop yelling at me." "No, I'm not- Oh, okay." "I forget how to fight with you." "Don't you usually start crying, and" "Here it is." "And now you're in the bed." "It's Lil." "Hi." "Hey." "I thought you were going out with that guy again." "Oh, yeah." "I'm on my way." "We're meeting at our usual food truck, and then we'll make out in the park until it gets scary." "You're eating from a food truck, and the park is scary?" "Well, it's not like we have our own place to go back to, even for just a night, or even a few hours." "But... oh, well." "How's my hair look before I get sticks in it?" "Hey, I think what Lily is hinting at is that she wants some alone time with this dude in your place." "You're asking me to leave my apartment so you can have sex with someone in it?" "Yeah." "You're exactly like my ex-husband." "Just let her use your place." "Why don't you let her use your place?" "I would, but I don't know y'all like that." "I" "I mean, I guess I can just keep myself busy until" "What time does this place close?" "Like you don't know." "All right, fine." "Okay, go ahead." "Oh, thank you." "I love you." "Hey, that is really nice of you, Rox, letting your friend get with some strange dude in your bed." "Oh, well, someone should." "Should I get rid of these bobbleheads?" "And replace them with, like, what?" "Porcelain cats?" "Mark, do you want to know the truth?" "For the right girl, none of this superficial stuff will matter." "Look, every guy I've ever dated hated the fact that I sleep with the TV on." "I leave it on all night." "Ugh, I hate that." "Everybody does." "But Alex has never mentioned it once." "So it's more about finding the right person?" "Awesome." "In that case, I'm going to keep all my jeans at the end of my bed." " Hey." " Hey." "Uh, listen, do you mind if I talk to Whitney alone for a second?" "Do you want me to go to another room and pretend to do something?" "Yeah, or you could just do something." "No, I'll pretend." "So, uh, how's it going up there?" "Uh, it's not ideal." "Um, look, I'm sorry about this whole thing." "All right, I know that it was totally inappropriate, and I crossed a line." "But sometimes, it's really hard to tell where your line is." "So this is my fault?" "Well, no, I just- it's confusing." "I mean, you thought that Hope Solo thing was funny." "I mean, you forced me to have a lap dance when we were in Michigan." "It's just- I have a bad back." "I like to farm that stuff out." "See, you're so cool about stuff that girls are just usually not cool about." "Okay, well, then don't punish me for that." "I do not want to be the girlfriend who's constantly laying down rules." "Don't make me be that girl." "Okay, you know what?" "I get it, and I'm sorry." "It's okay." "Good, okay." "So, since it's okay and everything, and since I love you so much and you're so pretty" "I mean, you really are a stunner." "Um, can you just be cool one more time?" "And that time is now?" "We kind of have an unpleasant situation going on" "Up there." "Oh, no, did you not tell Chloe about the double flush?" "Well, uh, no, um" "Chloe's boyfriend broke up with her, and now I don't know how to get her out of our bed." "Come on, come on." "Okay, no, honey." "No, no, no." "Back to the couch." "You're going to be able to lie down in about one second." "Look at the- it looks like" " Here." " No, not there." "It looks like a bed." "It's, like, a half a bed." "Look, come on." "There we go, there we go, baby." "Okay, okay, just stay here." "I'm going to, uh, get you some water." " Yes." " Water, water." "Oh, Whit, that was amazing." "Nobody gets Chloe out of bed." "Oh, God." "I am not proud of what I did in there." "And she's going to be very sore tomorrow." "My life sucks." "Look, Chloe, you're going to be okay, all right?" "We're going to get you through this." "I'm just going to call you a cab." "No." "Would you just" "All right, okay." "But come on, she keeps crying." "Can you just please make her stop?" "I'm trying." "You dated her for two years." "How did you used to get her to stop crying?" "I think that, if I did that, uh, that would probably make you mad." "Oh, but hey, you know what?" "Then I'd make her a sandwich." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay, here, Chloe." "Here's some water." " Whit-Whit?" " Yeah?" "Nick was the perfect guy." "I mean, I feel like I'll never find someone as great as" "No, no." "That is a no." "Get out of there." "You cannot romanticize him." "Okay, the key to getting over a breakup is focusing on his bad qualities." "So, uh, just think of some things that really bothered you about him." "Okay, um- well, I thought it was really gross that he never shaved his beard." "And he had this whole, like, sloppy, stoner, hipster vibe." "Okay, okay." "Um, uh, what else?" "Keep going." "He has no attention span." "We would be in the middle of a serious, intimate situation, and he would just get distracted by the weirdest things." "Hey, dude, what's up?" "I'm eating one of your guys' pickles, and, uh, I got a question." "No, it's not an emergency." "Well, that was rude." "Oh, my God." "Epiphany." "Of course this happened with Nick." "He's exactly like Alex, and Alex was exactly like Brent, and Brent was exactly like Peter." "This is good." "You're thinking clearly." "And look, Chloe, you deserve so much better than these guys." "Hey." "I didn't say I did." "Thank you." " Thank you so much, Whitney." " You're welcome." " I feel so much better." " Good." " Thank you." " Good, good, girl." "Oh, wow." "Oh, Alex?" "I'm going to go ahead and take my sandwich in the tub." "Thank you." "Whit, that was amazing." "Okay, I guess I'll just take this sandwich over to Chloe." "Oh, hey, no, no, I won't, because that's completely inappropriate, because she's naked in the tub, and that wouldn't be, uh, okay with you, obviously." "Very good." "So I guess that means I will take this to her in the tub." "Her pickle and bread sandwich." "Hey, Mark." "Can I come in?" "Or are you entertaining a basic bitch?" "Nope." "Come on in." "I gave Lily the night alone with her new guy, so can I hang out here for a bit?" "I mean, I tried Whitney's first, but" "Chloe." "Yeah, stay as long as you want." "Sorry about the couch." "What do you mean?" "I like your couch." "Oh." "Okay." "Uh, hey, you want a drink or something?" "I got vodka in the freezer." "Oh, please." "Oh, you can just put it in one of those keg cups." "Makes it a party." "Ooh, Bobby pin." "My bangs are driving me insane." "You know what?" "Maybe I'll let Lily have the place all night, and I'll just stay here on your couch." "I mean, if that's okay with you." "Yeah, that'd be- of course, yeah." "But don't come near me during the hour that I sleep," "Or I will choke you up."