"I think it's funny that we all sort of think we're not gonna die." "(CAR DOOR CLOSES)" "Hi." "Uh..." "Hi." "(STRAINING) Your father gave this to me." "He asked me never to open it." "(CAR DOOR OPENS)" "I guess you take them out of that vase and put them in your own vase." "I know what to do with flowers." "Yeah, stick them in a vase." "These flowers say "In memoriam" on them." "What's that?" "They say "In memoriam" on them?" "Are you completely stupid?" "Completely?" "You better get going." "The painting I gave you is upside down." "Hey, buddy." "(MEOWS)" "WOMAN:" "Okay, okay, okay." "Okay, okay, okay, ok..." "(SIGHS)" "That was fast." "If I had gotten the right flowers the first time, would that be me there?" "That's a good question, that's a great question." "You don't buy flowers at a grocery store either, you go to a florist." "Is that true?" "Everybody knows that." "Well, not everybody." "Okay, well, as you were." "(SQUEAKING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(CAR DOOR CLOSES)" "What are you doing?" "I had borrowed these." "That's my mom." "Please thank her for me." "Or I could kick your ass." "Either way." "The woman I married just stopped trying after about a year." "She went back to the personality she had before we were married." "She reverted to the personality she had before she decided she ought to be married." "Does that make sense?" "She..." "She stopped." "She just threw in the towel." "What's with the ring?" "I re-upped." "If you ever get married again, don't tell your wife anything." "I mean, you can say things, but not honestly." "If you tell 'em your first girlfriend was pretty, remember to add, "Not even close to where you are."" "Of if you're talking about a smart girl, "She was too smart." ""Her intelligence was some kind of mistake."" ""It was kind of a joke on her."" "If you don't, believe me, they'll hit you over the head with it every chance they get." "(TOILET FLUSHING) You want some advice?" "You mean more advice?" "Just marry the next girl you see." "Makes no difference." "Is there anything else we can help you with?" "Uh-uh." "Why?" "You seem like you might have had a couple." "No." "I won't tell." "You couldn't find another seat?" "Just really wanted to talk to someone." "(SCOFFS)" "I just walked in on my ex-wife in bed with another man, so I think that, you know..." "There's my problems, and whatever your problems are..." "Prison." "Excuse me?" "Prison." "I'm going to prison." "The last five years, I wake up and..." "It's like something fast-forwarded beyond my control." "I have no short-term memory." "Everything I say, I have to say," ""I know I told you this already."" "I've gained weight." "I have glasses, I'm married." "My wife has gotten kind of fat." "I don't mean that in a mean way." "That is mean." "True." "If I said your wife is kind of fat, it'd hard for it not to sound mean." "True, and I would beat you." "Try it." "But it's like there's nothing I could do." "I couldn't prevent these things from happening." "I think if you'd asked me about it five years ago," "I would have said, "What are you talking about?" ""These things aren't gonna happen." "Not to me."" "I didn't know you five years ago." "I used to feel so sorry for forgetful people." "And now?" "Sympathetic." "I think you mean "empathetic."" "I suppose you're right." "We were here last week, this place is great." "Thank you." "May I start you guys off with a cocktail?" "Whoa, I don't like that, "You guys."" "Please don't call us, "You guys."" "May I start you people off with a cocktail?" "Yeah." "May I start you folks off with a cocktail?" "Mmm-hmm." "May I start the two of you off with a cocktail?" "See, yes, yeah, all those are preferable." "All right." "You guys have mojitos?" "Hey, you wanna grab that beer tonight?" "I actually have a date tonight." "Where did you meet her?" "Heaven." "(SPOON CLINKS)" "Um..." "What about you?" "The exes?" "I never know when to bring the exes up." "MAN:" "Why's she wearing a yellow dress?" "(WHISPERING) Not her first rodeo." "She's quite youthful." "Shut up!" "Why a yellow dress?" "'Cause I've been married before, and you only wear white the first time." "Yeah, I know the concept." "I didn't know you were married." "I told you." "When?" "At Barry's barbeque." "I thought you were a vegetarian." "Vegetarians go to barbeques." "It didn't work out." "I'm sorry." "Don't give it another thought." "Waiter!" "You, uh, wanna come in?" "You brought me to your house?" "I live four miles from here." "You wanna come in?" "I meant to compliment you earlier on your appearance and your sense of humor." "Oh, thanks." "Thank you." "Who are these pictures of?" "Oh, that's..." "That's nothing." "Who is the woman in the pictures?" "MAX:" "Mmm, it's my old wife." "Pardon me?" "I mean, it's my ex-wife." "It's my ex-wife." "Will you take me home please?" "I would, but my car is almost out of gas." "Uh, I'm not a mind reader, but something tells me," "I'm not getting an invite in." "(CAR DOOR SLAMS)" "Kiss good night, probably not either." "And second base, ha!" "MAN:" "Medium rare." "I like it medium rare." "You guys know how to cook it medium rare?" "(YAWNS) I think so." "Medium rare." "All right." "Do you want spinach?" "We have cream spinach." "Does that come with it?" "No, it's a la carte." "That means on its own." "I know what it means." "What comes with it?" "The breadsticks." "What kind of a place is this?" "Am I supposed to get up and dance 'cause you brought me breadsticks?" "You're serving $44 steaks and you can't find me any vegetables?" "Can you hold on a sec?" "Look out, Derek." "Hey." "There's a customer out there who's asked to speak with you about the a la carte policy." "Me?" "(SIGHS)" "He left a note." ""Fuck you."" "Hey, Max." "Hey, Lyla." "Basically, a list of things to clean." "Ale..." "What was it?" "Ale..." "MAN:" "Alejandro." "Jandro, Alejandro." "Where are you from?" "Mexico." "Okay." "We had a Native American bus boy who (CHUCKLES) was nicknamed Two Bites." "Because he'd bitten a guy's balls off." "(LAUGHS)" "In a bar fight." "Gracias." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Hey, Max." "Hey, Lyla." "Breadstick?" "Uh, no, thanks." "Hey, how's your Spanish?" "Not good." "Why did you wear your uniform on a date?" "Why did you wear your uniform on..." "Is this a date?" "Yeah, it's a date." "(GIGGLES SOFTLY)" "You see that guy over there sitting by himself?" "He's not doing anything." "He's minding his own business." "That's cute." "He looks like he might be bored and also kind of boring, like being bored isn't enough, he's gotta take it out on the people that he meets." "I don't know." "If that guy got married, he'd become part of the world's most boring couple." "(CHUCKLES) He could be married." "He could be married to a model." "Yeah, a hand model." "I was a hand model." "A catalogue model." "I was a catalogue model." "What catalogue?" "It was shoes?" "How long have you worked at the steak house?" "Three years." "With raises every six months?" "Raisins?" "Raises." "Not raisins." "Oh. (CHUCKLES)" "Yeah." "Have you ever had a customer, after you set down the hot plate, and you told him, "Hot plate, don't touch the plate"?" "Hmm?" "You like breadsticks, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "I can't get enough of them." "Is that your car?" "Yeah." "MAX:" "Do you take the bus to work?" "LYLA:" "Yeah." "How come you never drive it?" "I drive." "When?" "Night." "Where?" "Cul-de-sac?" "Uh-huh." "I don't have a driver's license." "My dad gave me the car." "He works at the police department in Eternal Affairs." ""Internal Affairs." Internal Affairs." "I'm not even sure how he got the car." "He doesn't make much money." "Jesus." "Yeah." "Can you cook?" "Yeah." "If, um... (SIGHS) No." "Can you cook?" "I work in a restaurant." "Are you good in bed?" "I get about eight hours." "Uh, yes, I meant, are you... open-minded?" "Can you get things..." "Can you wrap it up?" "Can you finish without a ton of help?" "I can." "You ought to meet Dad." "Is that a pet?" "No, my dad." "What do you think about Lyla?" "Lyla." "Which one is she?" "Breadsticks." "You worked alongside with her for three years and you don't know her name?" "Her dad's a cop, right?" "Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." "No, I don't know." "I don't like the police very much." "I can take care of myself, thank you." "It's not her fault that her dad's a cop." "If you say so." "Let's just say, hypothetically, that I was gonna get married." "Would you be the best man?" "What's "hypothetical"?" "Is that when you say one thing and do another?" "I think you're thinking "hypocritical."" "No." "My mom had to take the Hippocratic Oath to become a psychiatrist." "That's when you promise you'll treat someone who's hurt." "I couldn't help but notice you're unaccompanied today." "Can I get you a glass of champagne?" "I'm 16." "(BAND PLAYS)" "All right!" "There we go." "We got it going now." "(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING) Whoo!" "All right!" "We've got plenty of clear space up here, folks." "Congratulations." "Welcome back to hell." "Jesus." "My wife, I could tell you some stories, horror stories." "Whore?" "Horror." "Hor-ror." "Have you met Lyla's father?" "I can't say I have." "You know, the news is in on cigarettes." "How's everybody doing?" "Everybody feeling good about it?" "(CROWD APPLAUDS)" "All right, cool." "Well, thanks for inviting us to your party." "Um, to your marriage party." "(GLASS CLINKING)" "Some of you probably know that Max had one marriage go south prematurely." "But this one looks like it's all systems go." "'Course that other one may well have looked like that at the beginning." "So, here's to you." "To all of you!" "(BAND PLAYING DOUBLE LIFE)" "* It takes a fast car lady" "* To lead a double life" "* It takes a slow star honey" "* If you want to get it right" "* You take your backseat rumble" "* Take your front seat wife" "* It takes a fast car lady" "* To lead a double life" "* It takes a nice touch honey" "* If you wanna get it right" "* It takes a good book maybe." "So, you think it's necessary to have a weapon at the wedding?" "* Lift me from this wonder maze" "* Alienation is the craze" "* Ahh" "* And it's all gonna happen to you *" "Thank you very much for coming in our hotel." "(WHISTLES) Yes, sir." "What?" "I'll take the bags." "Yes, sir." "I'll do that, sir." "No, here." "I'm good." "Ma'am, can you just little bit move to your left?" "Yes, sir." "Mister!" "You got married." "You don't pay for this hotel to take care of your luggage, sir." "This is my job, sir." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "Oh, God!" "Here." "Yes, sir." "Here you go." "Sir, sir, sir." "Excuse me." "Yes." "(SIGHS)" "Here we are." "Yep." "I take it you've had sex before." "Yes, I have had some sex." "Okay, I have, too." "It's not my first time." "I mean, I'm not an expert either." "Me neither." "All right, well, let's give this thing a shot, and we'll see who gives out first." "(SIGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "We should..." "Okay." "MAX:" "We still have it pretty good, right, Lyla?" "LYLA:" "Yeah, no question." "(MUNCHING)" "Does your mind wander during intercourse?" "No, I kind of like it." "Do you have to think about Johnny Depp to have an orgasm?" "I've thought about Mark Wahlberg once, but it was only for like a second, so not really." "You think about celebrities?" "No." "I fantasize about you." "Stop it!" "Hey." "I'm sorry that I prefer sex in the morning and can't seem to get it done at night." "I don't care." "I'm usually so tired from work." "I don't really do anything at work, so, it doesn't make sense." "I don't care." "Okay, I'll see you soon." "LYLA:" "Bye, Max!" "(SOULFUL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "(LOCKS CLICKING)" "The divorce was finalized this morning." "(CLEARS THROAT) Someone keyed my car." "Keyed the Mercedes." "Excuse me?" "Did you hear me?" ""Divorce"?" "I'm sorry." "You mean congratulations?" "Good question." "Great question." "Should I ask you how you feel?" "How do you feel?" "The same." "It makes you wonder if you have any enemies." "Don't give it another thought." "Your concern is a testament to pathetic vanity." "(CAR APPROACHING)" "Is that your car?" "* It takes a fast car lady" "* To lead a double life" "* It takes a slow star lady" "(HORN HONKING)" "* If you want to do it twice" "* You take your backseat rumble" "* Take your front seat wife." "What does that mean?" "Roll down your window." "Oh." "I thought it was a sexual thing." "Oh, no." "But that could be arranged if you want it." "I guess if you had made the gesture for an automatic window," "I wouldn't know what the hell you were doing." "Yeah." "Okay." "I'll see you around?" "Mmm-hmm." "I'll see you around, okay?" "* ...you better get the signal right" "* Light foot lady" "* You need a double life" "(DOG BARKING)" "How's he doing?" "He formed his first complete sentence today, really." "Subject verb." "Yeah?" "What did he say?" "Give me a sec." "MAX:" "What did you say?" "I'm starting to think we should send this one back." "LYLA:" "Max!" "(SOFT GROWL)" "Hey, um, I got a sitter." "We're having dinner with Dad tonight." "(FLUSHES TOILET)" "(DOORBELL RINGS) (DOG BARKING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "You are the sitter?" "Okay, so go easy on the fridge." "No boyfriends." "Make sure the kid's in bed at 8:00." "No pay-per-view pornographic movies please, 'cause I'd take the heat for that." "You can order pizza." "I'll pay half." "Or deduct it from your wages." "What are we paying you?" "That wasn't discussed." "I'll pay 25 cents an hour." "He's kidding." "Don't listen to him." "Do I look like I'm kidding?" "Why can't he just meet us there?" "He can't see at night." "Old people, they can't really see at night." "Jesus!" "Jesus!" "What is going on over here?" "(HONKING HORN) Max!" "Hmm?" "What the fuck was that?" "Dad, are you swearing?" "What was what?" "Honking the horn, wise guy." "(STARTS ENGINE)" "MAX:" "Seven interceptions." "That's right." "Hello." "I guess you're off tonight." "Yeah, tonight I'm not working." "May I start you off with a cocktail?" "How about you, Dad?" "A glass of wine and a sense of humor?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(CHUCKLING)" "Would you like to hear about our starters?" "LYLA'S FATHER:" "No." "You sure about that?" "I was at the doctor last week." "Prognosis is not good." "That's terrible." "That's why I asked you two to dinner tonight." "He says I have a year at most." "Probably more like six months." "MAX:" "Oh..." "You feel stupid for honking the horn now?" "Yes." "Anything else?" "We're closing up, so..." "So..." "Can you give us a minute?" "I feel like I have." "Really, I mean, look around." "Do you see any other patrons?" "Could you just ease off, okay?" "Just back off!" "Pardon?" "Doc gave me the death sentence today." "Yeah, well, they never know that stuff for sure." "Yeah?" "Liver cancer?" "Okay." "That's way up there." "You may have a point." "Did you get a second opinion?" "If you're looking for sympathy," "I suggest you try another chop house." "I'd like to see you with about six holes in your mid section." "Try it, Pops." "Thanks for dinner." "Good night, Daddy." "Wait." "Wait till he gets inside." "You really think he's gonna have trouble getting in?" "He's done it about 6,000 times, right?" "Bad form not waiting." "(GUNSHOT)" "Is that the car?" "Negatory." "* You've got black eye on your eye" "* Black eye on your eye" "* You've got black eye on your eye" "* Black eye on your eye" "* Tell me, was it from a fight, baby?" "* Tell me, was it from a fight?" "* Tell me, was it from a fight, baby?" "* Tell me, was it from a fight?" "* Did it happen last night?" "SAL:" "He was starting to grow on me, maybe a little." "Not me." "We were not making progress." "He left us a ton of money." "A ton." "I don't know where he got it all." "I can give you some of it." "Sure thing." "* You've got black eye on your eye" "* Black eye on your eye" "* You've got black eye on your eye." "I don't know if you want to keep working with us?" "Sure." "I mean, I don't see how any of this really affects any of that." "He gave us some money and I'll try and get you some, but it may be locked up in escrow." "Do you know what that is?" "No." "Me neither." "If any of the money frees up from Lyla's father," "I really wouldn't mind a boob job." "It's weird and we're at a funeral, but I feel like you're giving me permission to look at your..." "I would like to see you in just panties." "Oh..." "Hey..." "* Black eye on your eye" "* You've got black eye on your eye *" "(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "(HISSING)" "(NASAL VOICE) Happy Birthday, Lyle." "Happy Birthday." "(HISSING)" "(CHILDREN LAUGHING)" "(CHILDREN CHATTERING)" "(CHILDREN SHOUTING)" "(BRIGHT YOUNG THING PLAYING)" "* I wander" "* Wandering" "* All around this big place I live" "* She was scared to go outside" "* Where it once felt so nice" "* To me" "* Picked up a smoke" "* Then you drag a little" "* I wanna choke you" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Yeah, we have a guest house but there's someone staying there." "He's been there for a while now." "Lyle is taking tennis lessons." "How's Lyle?" "Lyle?" "Your son." "(CHUCKLES) Oh, Lyle." "Yeah, he's good." "He's good." "He's 10 now." "We have the nanny." "So, I don't see much of him, but he's certainly busier than I am." "It's like I have to make an appointment to see my own son." "Okay, I better get going." "Where do you live now?" "Like, Idaho?" "Yeah, sort of." "Must be nice there..." "Hello?" "(SIGHS)" "Want one?" "A little early for that." "And yet, it wasn't too early for you to shtup the nanny." "You won't tell Lyla, will you?" "I have every intention of telling Lyla." "I used to think that quitting that job and getting set up here was the best thing that ever happened to me." "But now, I'm not so sure." "One thing you can be sure of." "You never know what's good for you." "BOY:" "Yeah." "LYLA:" "Max!" "MAX:" "Yeah." "LYLA:" "Max!" "MAX:" "What?" "Max!" "His game's over here." "Yeah, I know, but these guys are great." "Do you have any upcoming games against them?" "MAX:" "Do you miss your dad sometimes?" "Of course." "Dad." "Old dad." "Yeah." "What about your family?" "You never talk about them." "Come to think of it, you've never mentioned them." "Not once. (BLOWS NOSE)" "Yeah, they're great." "They're great." "Do you think it's a good idea having the waiter from the restaurant live-in back with us?" "Do you think it's a good idea having the waiter from the restaurant live-in back with us?" "(COUGHS)" "(GIRL DON'T COME PLAYING)" "* You have a date for half past eight tonight" "* Some distant bell starts chiming now" "* You wanna see her." "Hey, Lyla." "(LYLA GASPS AND LAUGHS)" "Hi." "I'll explain." "I" "Have been sleeping with the waiter from the restaurant who lives behind our house." "MAX:" "Is he better?" "Thicker, longer?" "Um..." "I don't know." "I think he is." "I like it." "I've had dozens of orgasms." "Dozens and dozens." "I get into this space where I want another one." "I don't care what I have to do for it, you know?" "Damn the torpedoes." "And that doesn't happen with me, you're saying." "* You're hurt inside" "* You wanna die, oh, oh" "* You have a date for half past eight tonight *" "I think maybe what happened for me was discovering that I was trying to reassure myself that I was still in love with him despite everything." "And yes, mainly it's the weakness that I saw in him sleeping with Clarissa." "Which one's Clarissa?" "Nanny." "Oh, the cute one." "Yeah." "It's a cliché." "Still, I couldn't make my way past it." "I began to catalog the things that I liked about him in an effort to console myself for falling out of love with him." "Like, shoes, hair." "That, also, I began to hate." "Mmm." "It's too strong a word, I guess." "No." "Began to not like the things that I liked about him." "Shoes." "Hair." "Then it was really time." "So, I in turn..." "I slept out of the marriage, all was lost." "So what are you saying?" "Have you been listening at all?" "Are you a doctor?" "Is this a therapist's office?" "Hmm." "Is this a dream?" "Does it seem like a dream?" "No." "So, it's time to..." "What?" "I don't know. (SIGHING)" "Get out of the relationship." "Right." "Right." "Right." "What about you?" "Hmm?" "What happened?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "I feel like I'm losing my best friend." "Yeah, I think that, too." "And I guess that can work for marriages or not work, where you end up dating like your sister, or your mother, or your best weird dykey friend from high school." "Yeah, I wasn't really paying too much attention." "Who gets the nanny?" "Can I have the remote?" "No." "MAN ON TV:" "The President, speaking under the condition of anonymity, estimated he works about two and a half hours a day, but still believes he works twice as hard as half of America." "Hi!" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "Do you know what you'd like?" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "Hey, can you come back?" "(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" "I'm gonna go to the office." "I have to..." "They took all our money away." "Her dad had stolen it." "Yeah, I thought everyone sort of knew that." "They couldn't prove anything." "There was a break in the case." "They located a paper trail." "I don't know." "You sound like you don't know what you're talking about." "Yeah, I'm not letting that stop me." "This car's all that's left, really." "So, I guess Dad gets the last laugh." "Do you have a cigarette?" "(EXHALES) Okay, I got to go." "Can I borrow your hat?" "You know I don't wear hats." "Don't say, "Party of two and a half."" "Do say, "Welcome to Flanagan's."" "Do not say, "We can't do that."" "Do say, "I'll find out right away."" "Don't say, "Yup." Do say, "Absolutely."" "Do not say, "What can I get for ya?"" "Do say, "How may I assist you?"" "Any questions?" "How do you pronounce that?" "Chat..." "Cha-teau-briand." "How old are you?" "Um..." "Surely you don't have to think about that." "Why do I have to train with the dishwasher?" "Thanks." "What do I have to complain about?" "Isn't that really what we do here, when it comes down to it, is complain?" "I mean, we're supposed to be working on ourselves, but I feel like the best idea is just to come talk to you guys and..." "Please don't say, "You guys."" "You people." "And talk about all the people in our lives for an hour and complain about them and then you go back out there into the real world and you keep the complaining to a minimum." "You don't consider this the real world?" "You're joking, right?" "MAX:" "I thought you were vegetarian." "I am, kind of." "I'm pregnant." "Wow." "Congratulations." "It's not good news and it's not yours." "Really?" "Really?" "When I was 15, I don't know, I didn't know what a penis was." "I mean, forget about a vagina." "Yeah." "Anything to say for yourself?" "I probably shouldn't say this or think it, but I'm sort of proud of him?" "Yeah, you probably shouldn't say that." "Maybe make this the last time that you say that." "I don't know why we can't have a sense of humor about it." "I'm looking around for mine." "It is here someplace." "Somewhere." "Maybe it'll seem funny later." "Finally found the courage to leave your ex-wife." "We just weren't really getting anywhere." "I don't know if it's a good idea to expect a relationship to be going anywhere past a certain stage." "Plus she's poor." "I know how to be poor without any help." "I don't need anyone's help being poor." "No, thank you." "We should start our own restaurant." "I'm poor and lazy and old." "(GLASS SQUEAKING)" "You know how you know when you're old?" "When you sneeze and lose a tooth." "I'm falling apart like a Mexican suitcase." "Before I left Lyla, I took some money, about $60,000 in cash, for a rainy day." "Lyla left you." "Okay." "But, as I said, I took some money." "60k." "Rainy day." "I'm listening." "The question is, really, what kind of restaurant?" "Italian?" "No." "Mexican?" "Mmm-mmm." "A burger place?" "Nah." "We could open a steak house across the street." "I think not." "Coffee shop?" "No." "Ethiopian?" "No." "Vegetarian?" "Veganism is for the birds." "The only food everyone seems to agree on is pizza." "True." "And ice cream." "Don't forget ice cream." "I guess what we really need now is a promotion to get people hooked on the food." "Buy one get one free?" "I think a sign that says, "Eat at Joe's."" "That's what you want outside?" ""Eat at Joe's"?" "A sign is a promotion." "Our sign is our first promotion." "We've put our cards on the table about what we're selling." "We don't want to get the customers too adjusted to bargains or they'll never pay full price." "It's odd that things started to kinda fall apart when Lyla's dad died." "Usually when things come apart you'd like to screw it up so it makes more sense." "Boy, do I know what you mean!" "Maybe for the first time ever, you've said something that made complete sense." "And I did not like that guy at all." "He made me really uncomfortable." "Fair enough." "Really uncomfortable." "Hello." "You are my first customer." "Of the day or..." "Forever." "Okay." "I think I'm just gonna go for the ice cream for lunch today." "Ice cream for lunch?" "Yeah." "How old are you?" "I'm 26." "My birthday is next week." "All right." "I have 17 flavors today." "I've got, uh, I've got 16... (WHISTLES)" "I've got a delicious cherry." "Stop." "We have." "SAL:" "We have..." "We have 17 flavors today." "I'm gonna get into this." "I'm serving our first customer." "We are partners in this business." "I'm making a transaction." "If you wanna say, "Can I get you?" Sure." "If you wanna say, "I have..."" "Are you serving ice cream to this gentleman from there?" "I don't want to bring this up, but how much money did you put into this place?" "I put my heart and soul into this place." "That's true." "MAN:" "Yeah, um, so I'm just gonna order..." "MAX:" "Go ahead." "MAN: from you." "Go ahead." "What kind of ice cream can I get you?" "(CHUCKLES) You're such an asshole." "MAN:" "Um..." "Yeah, I'm gonna go for a Neapolitan in a cup." "SAL:" "No Neapolitan." "MAN:" "No Neapolitan?" "(LAUGHS)" "I consider Neapolitan a pale version of spumoni." "Okay, well, I guess I'll have spumoni." "No spumoni." "None of that either?" "None at all?" "Um..." "Spumoni and Neapolitan are the striped creams." "They come in a frozen block." "That's a freezer item, that you buy at the grocery store and take home." "The striped ice creams don't work very well in a cup and cone establishment, which this is." "Okay. (STAMMERING) What are the topping... topping situations here?" "Well, we have your regular..." "Hang on a second." "Can I finish?" "Um, and also, in addition to the toppings, is there a whipped cream cherry option?" "You're being difficult." "No, no, I'm..." "I'm getting the..." "MAX:" "We are." "We're starting to think that you're not gonna be our first customer." "We're opening another one in Milwaukee." "Yeah, you told me." "I'm telling you again." "It's our 3,000th franchise." "Man, micromanaging these restaurants is about as much fun as catching pubes in the zipper." "Have you given any more thought to this buyout offer?" "What's that?" "Did you give it some thought?" "Yes." "Well?" "I mean, no." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "LYLA:" "It's me." "Oh, hey, Lyla." "I'm calling to remind you that Lyle's graduation is this weekend." "How's everything on that end?" "Fine, I suppose." "Went to the doctor today." "Yeah, how'd that go?" "Clean bill." "But it's like a clinic for poor people, so I don't know if I got the best doctor." "They seemed overworked and undereducated." "I'm sure everything's fine." "(SIGHS) I don't know what to say." "I think we have a chance for a good relationship, you know." "Most of my friends were close to their parents growing up." "Can't stay close to them, they looked like douches, but..." "The absent parent, wanna get rich." "Tailor-made for a good relationship." "So, I could hate you for not being there for me, but I don't." "And you could hate me but..." "What else do you really have in your life?" "I have Jim, the waiter." "Mom's second husband, you mean Sal?" "I have Sal." "I have aches and pains I assume are tumors." "(THERAPIST HUMMING)" "I feel like I could drop dead at any second." "You're always reading about people in perfect health who drop dead, and 95-year..." "(CONTINUES HUMMING)" "Are you humming?" "* He's a fool for love" "* What he wouldn't do for love" "* He's a fool for love" "* Once..." "Don't you like my singing?" "It's nice." "* Once a fool, you got to" "* Follow the rule Always a fool" "* A fool for love." "That's inappropriate." "Sit up straight." "* He's a fool" "* A fool for love" "* She was six and he was seven" "* Used to send him off to heaven" "* When she said, "You are my sunshine"" "* The part he always liked the best" "* When she teased him with a kiss" "* And she said, "You make me happy"" "* You're a fool for love" "* What he wouldn't do for love" "* He's a fool" "* A fool for love." "Can I help you?" "(WHISTLES) May I help you?" "Not unless you've got 50 bucks just kind of sitting around." "Those are her breadsticks." "Who?" "Give 'em back." "What good are they doing her?" "Wrong." "I'm the widower giving back." "Give me..." "I don't think so." "I'm going to call the cops." "I can run surprisingly fast." "Doubtful." "Try me." "If I can beat you in a footrace, will you put the breadsticks back?" "Yeah, that's a great idea." "Okay." "All right." "See that car over there?" "Mmm-hmm." "Race to the car, touch the car, run back, touch the stone." "The winner gets the breadsticks." "Okay." "All the breadsticks." "Are you ready?" "Yeah, let me get my shit." "On your mark..." "All right." "Get set, go!" "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANING)" "(SIREN WAILING)" "MAN ON SCREEN:" "If you're able, please have identification and insurance information at the ready." "You've been injured, or may be ill, and are being transported to the nearest medical facility." "If you're able, please have identification and insurance information at the ready." "And if not, don't worry about it." "What do we look like?" "You've been injured, or may be ill, and are being transported to the nearest medical facility." "If you're able, please have identification and insurance information at the ready." "And if not, don't worry about it." "What do we look like?" "You've been injured, or may be ill..." "I guess you had a close call." "They said you could have died." "Yeah, that tends to apply to a lot of coronary events." "Oh, so that's what they're calling it now." "A "coronary event."" "It's..." "I had a coronary event." "LYLE:" "Yeah." "SAL:" "It gets you thinking." "I guess." "For example, I mean, me." "I have no friends." "Zippo." "Unless you count you, which, I guess, we'd pretty much have to." "So, with me, the total count..." "One." "So, if I go..." "Zero." "You know, you don't consider me a friend." "Don't take this the wrong way," "I've always considered you more like a son." "LYLE:" "Okay." "Well, I've always seen you as avuncular." "He's the one that just had a heart attack." "Avuncular means like an uncle." "SAL:" "Like an uncle." "It's in Tale of Two Cities." "You're thinking "uncular."" "Uncle-ier." "Unclear." "You're thinking unclearly." "You're thinking unclearly." "I was born in this hospital." "MAN:" "Hi, you wanna start a tab?" "Sure." "How's it going?" "I'd like to be left alone." "(TV PLAYING)" "Clarissa left me." "Quelle surprise!" "I'm having trouble sleeping." "I went to the therapist and got meds." "But I took too many and now I'm down to one." "You wouldn't happen to have her contact information still?" "Who?" "My therapist?" "Either one." "You shouldn't even be back at work." "How long has it been?" "I feel fine." "I don't wanna be here though." "Let's put you in charge and we'll see how quickly things collapse." "What about Lyle?" "He's got an MBA from Stanford." "No shit." "No shit." "If I felt any better, I'd say, "Call the doctor."" "Ha-ha, that's an old expression, hambone." "Please don't call me hambone." "I'm just gonna lay my head down on the floor and rest for a minute." "Okay, hamboney." "Please don't call me hamboney." "I think it's funny that we all sort of think we're not gonna die." "If you say so." "I mean, what's it all mean?" "We're not getting anywhere with your fumbling, alcoholic musings." "I quit drinking 12 years ago." "If you say so." "I don't have any qualms about wrestling you to the grass, restraining you, and making you take that back." "Or at least making you promise never to say, "If you say so," again." "Now is that something that you learned at one of your meetings?" "That violence solves nearly everything?" "I see his good qualities much more clearly now." "I see very few of his flaws." "Like, I can't bring into focus the fact that he saw me, in many ways, as an afterthought for my entire childhood." "You look a lot like him." "I don't have to take that." "I just think it's weird that more people didn't turn out." "I expected a turnout." "A better turnout." "You could've invited some people." "You don't invite people to a funeral, it's in the newspaper." "Who reads newspapers?" "The French." "That's who." "The French read the newspaper." "You don't have to remind me." "I went there once." "Everyone in France has a house that belonged to their parents." "My dad, he died, I don't know, like, 150 years ago." "He was an oral surgeon." "He fleeced people sans qualms." "The only thing I remember about his funeral is that I was drunk, it was the morning, and I didn't have anything to wear, so I had to wear a triple-XL sweatshirt of his to deliver the eulogy." "* I wander" "* Wandering" "* All around this big place I live *" "(CAR DOOR CLOSES)" "Hi." "Uh..." "Hi." "(STRAINING) Your father gave this to me." "He asked me never to open it." "(CARTOON MUSIC FOR SUPERHEROES PLAYING)" "* Good night" "* I say to you" "* Good night" "* Dream" "* Of all the impossible" "* And when you wake" "* You'll see" "* That all these dreams" "* Aren't fake" "* They're real" "* Not impossible" "* Believe" "* You'll be all right" "* Sad things" "* You keep inside" "* So go" "* Tell me what it's like" "* Tell me what you like" "* About when you dream" "(OBSTINATE PLAYING)" "* Free from it all" "* I'm not gonna change" "* Till I want to" "* And I'm free from it all" "* I'm not gonna change" "* Till I want to" "* By the way she looked" "* I should've calmed down" "* I went too far" "* Oh, that's all I've got to say" "* By the way she looked" "* I should've calmed down" "* I went too far" "* Oh, that's all I've got to say" "* Free from it all" "* I'm not gonna change" "* Till I want to" "* And I'm free from the world" "* Where I built" "* Too many roads" "* By the way she looked" "* I should've calmed down" "* I went too far" "* Oh, that's all I've got to say *"