"Alright Suzi are you ready?" "Just a little bit that way darling, that's it" "Ok after four" "One, two, three, four" "Stretch" "Yeah" "Round, stretch" "That's a good girl Lucy" "Get your legs up" "Stretch right up like you're stretching for sweets on the top shelf" "Come on, enjoy yourself" "Hands on your hip like that" "Yeah that's it and the other one" "Now wave with both hands" "Right" "That's it" "Very good, come on Laura you can be leader now" "Right out here stick to the edges that's right" "Let's have a bit of a bum swing from you" "Above your heads come on hands up" "Oh swing those bums" "That's it and you're doing that cleaning your mums windows" "Alright and then you see your best friend" "So your shouting out" "Hi it's me, I'm here" "Say hi" "Say it's me" "I'm here" "Give me a five pound note" "I want to go and spend it on sweets" "I thought that would get you smiling" "I thought you would like that" "Come on who's going to be the leader now then" "Right come on then" "Time to go home" "Not too much of a rush now I don't want you tripping over" "Right get your coats and shoes outside as usual" "Alright do you want to put your little cardigan on Suzi?" "Eh put it on 'cause you might get a little chill" "You've got your sleeves inside out" "Get your coats now" "If you can't reach your bags I'll get them down" "That's it put your cardy on hope your headache's better soon" "Alright bye darling bye" "My bags next door" "Your bags next door?" "Alright don't worry" "Who's is the green coat?" "Come on" "Isn't it hot?" "Gorgeous" "Tell you what Andy, your lucky I'm not in the hospital" "What?" "That door swung back an nearly took me head off again" "It's the hinge isn't it" "Yeah it's that catch, it's gone" "I'll have a look at it later" "It's lethal" "Oh I wish you would do something with this porch" "I will do" "It's embarrasing" "Just got to get the rest of the timber, that's all" "Oh And, you've been saying that for two years" "Take these boards up to here bang a bit of trellis on the outside" "Slap a coat of white paint on it" "Get some nice creepers growing up it'll look lovely" "I don't want trellis Andy, it'll look like a Chinese restaurant" "It'll be nice" "Hello Oh shut that door it's freezing" "Oh you finished have you?" "Nah I'm still in the bath" "Wouldn't surprise me" "Made a mess have you?" "No" "No" "Oh hello" "Alright" "Where you been?" "Town" "Hello Nat What you been doing?" "Shopping" "Want a little sandwich Andy?" "Yeah what you got?" "Cheese and toastie?" "Yeah lovely" "Still got me glasses on, thought I was going blind" "Here you are Tadaa chocolate!" "You're chocoholic you are" "You are, I could give it up tomorrow no trouble" "Do you want coffee?" "No thanks" "Please" "Do you want a little sandwich Nat?" "Yeah" "Do you want pickle?" "Course I want pickle" "Gonna get out there this afternoon finish off that patio" "Oh don't give me heart attack Andy please" "I will, make a start" "What did you get Nat?" "A shirt Is this it?" "Yeah Can I have a look?" "If you want to" "Oh it's nice Yeah it's alright isn't it" "Why do you always get a man's?" "'cause I like them" "Suits me thanks alot Nat" "Funny man" "It's not for me?" "No it's not for you" "Oh shame I thought my luck had changed" "You should get a nice blouse, short sleeves" "Show yourself off a bit" "Shut up Well" "Don't listen to her" "Nat - What?" "Did you get me those fags?" "No Why not?" "I told you, if you want to smoke you can get your own fags" "Well could you lend me some money?" "How much?" "A tenner" "What's it for?" "Alright, a fiver" "Well what do you want it for?" "Mind your own business" "Suit yourself" "You'll be charging interest next" "Yeah it's a good idea" "Capitalist" "When did you get that?" "This morning it's alright isn't it?" "Nah, it looks like a tea towel" "Yeah I was quite pleased with it myself" "Hey Andy guess what What?" "I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit what's it y'know and I thought to myself" "Oh blimey don't tell me I'm in the family way" "Oh Jesus Christ" "What's the family way supposed to mean?" "You know what it means" "No, I know what pregnant means" "You don't half talk some rubbish" "Well, silly little sayings" "Oh shut up" "You shut up" "I was lying there Andy I thought to myself" "Aw I would love another little baby" "You're too old to have a baby ain't you?" "Course not" "You may not be I am" "You wouldn't see me for dust, I tell you" "Oh don't Andy don't be rotten" "Typical, typical man" "Oh shut up, what do you know about men?" "Enough" "Anyway I thought to myself ah nevermind" "I'll just have to wait till I'm a Grandma" "You're going to have a long wait Yeah" "Eh?" "Who would want them?" "Oh that's nice" "Stick a couple of brown paper bags over their heads" "Might be able to flog them off cheap, sight unseen" "Anyway I'm not going to waste my life" "No?" "What're you doing now then?" "Contributing a great deal aren't you sitting around on your arse all day" "Yeah well I'm thinking about it" "Oh yeah thinking about it that's the easy bit isn't it anyone can do that it's doing it that's difficult" "Bollocks" "Nicola" "Shame though isn't it" "They were such lovely little dolly what's it's" "Sitting there in their matching little outfits" "My little Natalie and my little Nicola and now look at them Oh get a sick bucket and when you have a bath Nicola, don't leave the towels on the bathroom floor stinking wet" "Here we go" "Well how many times have I got to tell you?" "It's just two simple little movements" "Down and up and pop it on the towel rail" "Don't be patronising and I won't tell you again about using my cotton wool balls" "Oh don't be so selfish" "What do you want two baths a day for anyway?" "What, are you taking their side now?" "I'm not taking anyone's side I'm just asking you a simple question" "Yeah well don't" "Here you are And" "Oh cheers" "Here you are Nat Ta" "Don't light that cigarette Nicola, we're eating" "Don't eat" "It's lunch time, that's what you do at lunchtime eat" "What's lunchtime anyway?" "It's only a convention" "Nicola if you want to smoke while we're eating go up to your room alright" "Anyway if you smoked less and you ate more you wouldn't be sitting there looking like a skeleton" "It's better than looking like a beached whale" "Oh thank you" "Anyway your Dad likes something to grab hold of of the night" "What blubber?" "No" "Me little love handles" "We got a set each ain't we Andy" "Oh you're disgusting" "Oh shut up" "Those sandwiches stink" "Listen Nicola I told you if you don't like it you know what you can do" "Yeah well I'm going - Good" "Well go on then" "In a minute" "You can't go can you?" "What's keeping you Nicola?" "eh?" "She's bored" "See you want to be with us so why don't you just act normal" "Andy" "What?" "How about having a little go at the patio today?" "Please" "Not today Wen" "Why not?" "It's gonna rain ain't it" "It don't look like rain to me" "I don't want to get all me sand and cement out and have it piss down on me, do I?" "Well have a go at the bathroom then finish off me tiling" "Yeah could do - Really?" "Hang on hang on - What?" "Ain't got no grout" "Oh typical" "Well I can get you grout" "Eh?" " From work" "Today?" "Well no not today it's Sunday, tomorrow" "Water-proof grout?" "Of course it's gonna be water-proof grout, it's for a bathroom" "Yeah there's grout and there's water-proof grout isn't there" "Allow me to know" "Just make sure what you get is water-proof grout" "Don't panic, I'll get you water-proof grout" "Great, I'll do it next weekend" "Can I have that in writing please" "I have to say Wend this lamb is delicious" "Oh is it?" "good and the tiles are in the cupboard under the stairs right" "Nice and pink, beautiful isn't it - Yeah it's nice" "Are you eating yours missus" "What's it to you?" "She cooked it that's what it is to her" "Oh shut up goodie two shoes" "What's it like in the first class dining compartment then?" "Listen if I choose to eat in my own space that's my perogative, right" "Hey do you want a glass of low calorie H20?" "Just leave her alone" "Oh there she goes" "It's the year of the horse" "Eh?" "Chinese" "Oh yeah, do you want some more?" "Yeah" "Do you want some?" "Yeah go on then" "Cut me a nice big juicy slice you know that I like mine nice and juicy" "Mother" "No you can't rush him" "Yeah he's happy going at that speed isn't he" "Yeah, dead slow and stop" "It's the door" "Well answer it" "It's that Patsy bloke" "Open the door Nicola" "No I don't know him" "Course you know him" "Go on I've got wet hands - So" "Tell you what Nicola you're an awkward cow" "Oh don't be sexist" "Oh hello Patsy - Hello Wendy" "Alright" "Sorry to bother you on a Sunday like but eh..." "I was wondering if Andy was in - Yeah" "Only I was hoping to catch him down in the boozer like but I got a bit held up" "Oh yeah" "Had to go down and see me old Mum" "Oh did you" "Yeah he's down the bottom of the garden" "Oh - Do you want to see him?" "Yeah alright" "Here come in then" "Thanks very much, terrific" "Hello girls" "Hello boys" "Hang on a minute" "Patsy's here - What" "Patsy" "Ah there he is, I'll just slip out and see him if that's alright" "Yeah that's alright Patsy go on" "Just watch yourself on that little step - What?" "That's the one yeah" "Andrew - Hello Patsy how are you?" "He must be in a right state" "He's had about ten pints" "Good job he's been banned from driving" "Nice hairstyle" "Aw I bet his Wife did those little streaks" "She must of got one of them what's it's one of them £3.99 kits from the chemists" "What you let him in for eh?" "What was I supposed to do?" "Fascist" "I tell you what though I wouldn't trust him" "I wouldn't trust anyone wearing a suit like that" "They cost about 300 quid them suits y'know" "What does he do anyway?" "He doesn't do anything he's unemployed" "Can have me hands on anything in here, you name it" "Bit of old rope Christmas tree, guitar" "Ah the old one armed guitar player eh" "Yeah I was gonna fix it up put a new neck on it, new set of strings" "Basically it's a good box" "Mothers don't let your children grow up to be cowboys" "Listen Andy eh do you want to get yourself out the house for a while?" "Hello my friend" "I love them" "She can't stand them won't let them through the door" "We got two of them" "Car boot sale" "Twins" "Here have you got twenty minutes have you?" "What for?" "I've got something for you" "Listen Patsy whatever it is I swear to God I can't afford it, I'm broke" "Andrew I am advising you to accompany me to a certain place" "Where I'm going to show you something" "Where?" "What is it?" "I am not prepared to reveal that at this stage" "Why not?" "It's a surprise" "What is this?" "Come on do us a favour" "Give us a clue" "No, shtoom is the word if you don't go you'll never know" "Be there or be square" "Nah" "Alright, suit yourself" "I'll see you in a minute" "How long are you going to be" "We'll be right back - Where you going?" "I don't know" "Where're you taking him Patsy?" "Don't worry Wendy a little magical mystery tour" "Eh Andy you've still got your hat on" "Blimey, catch" "Sure you two haven't got a woman" "What with my luck?" "What with a beautiful girl like you?" "Heard it all before" "See ya later" "Dad, get us twenty silk cut" "Get your own - Selfish pig" "Oh it's nice and hot" "It's a bit bright isn't it" "That's it" "That's right" "Come on get in" "What can't get it in the hole?" "hahaha shut up" "Relax Andy relax" "Oh hi Natalie" "It's Nicola" "Oh yeah sorry" "I brought a pineapple" "What for?" "For your Mum, y'know" "Ah" "Do you want to come in?" "Yeah thanks very much" "Shut the door" "Oh yeah" "There you go" "Nobody in?" "Nah" "Do you want to sit down?" "Yeah yeah thanks very much" "So Andrew what do you think?" "I think it's a load of old crap that's what I think" "What's the matter with it?" " Look at the state of it" "Nah, coat of paint" "You're looking at the future mate" "This could be the catalyst that sparks the revolution" "This is what you've always wanted" "I want this like I want a hole in the head" "This is your chance to break out of the rat race" "We should get a cat" "Eh?" "Get another cat like Tigger" "What a little kitten?" " Yeah" "Nah" "I don't want a moggy scratching all me furniture" "Why do you want a cat?" "No" "I don't know why I said it really" "We could get a big Rottweiller then it might eat Nicola" "That's a good idea" "That's one way of getting rid of her" "We should get a crocodile" "My hair's falling out" "Yeah well stop pulling it then" "It still falls out" "It's really nice hair" "Are you taking the piss?" "No I mean it I'm sincere" "Bollocks" "You're a really attractive girl y'know" "No I'm not" "I'm too fat" "Fat?" "What is fat?" "It's all in the mind" "Do you want to put it down" "Yeah" "I think it's on the turn but I didn't want to waste it" "I had a few ideas but, y'know" "Why didn't you eat it?" "Great knees" "Look at this rust every where" "There you go lightning striking a cup of tea" "It's falling apart the strong winds the roof would come off" "Here you are have a look inside" "I'm not going in there mate I value my health to much" "No no feel free" "No way" "Ripe isn't it" "It's just a bit musty needs a bit of air through it" "I bet there's something died in here" "Are you sure this is on the level Patsy?" "Of course it is it belongs to my brother" "Look the old griddle" "Ah there she is, beautiful" "Haven't seen those in a while" "Ah she's still in good nick though" "You must be joking it's fucked isn't it" "It's got everything you need in here" "I'm making a tea Nicola do you want one?" "Oh hello Aubrey - Hello Wendy" "What're you doing here?" "I brought you a pineapple" "Oh did you?" "Oh isn't it a big one" "Andy's not here He's just popped out" "Yeah?" "How long have you been here?" "Oh fifteen twenty minutes" "Oh you haven't Aubrey" "Straight up" "Nicola - What?" "Why didn't you tell me Aubrey was here you knew I was sitting out the back" "No I never" "Yes you did" "Are you calling me a liar?" "Yes I am calling you a liar" "I thought you had gone for a walk" "Don't be so stupid I've never been for a walk in me life have I" "Sorry about this Aubrey - No sweat" "Come and have a little seat in the garden" "Take your coat off get the sun on yourself" "Well she's a nice girl" "Yeah nice with her head in a bucket" "Look at that brilliant" "Tell you what mate I'll let you have these comestibles for nothing" "I promise you Andy" "You go down White Hart Lane on a Saturday for the home games" "A man of your skills a couple of hundred beef burgers" "You'll make a fortune I'm telling you" "Excuse me guvnor" "I'll have 4 hamburgers 3 egg burgers" "A sausage roll and onion a bacon egg and cheese roll" "A tea, a bovril and a large vodka" "Sold to the man with the beard" "I have to admit Patsy I am tempted" "No" "No regrets" "No" "No regret rien" "Oh yeah that's what I remember yeah" "She sang it in French" "Yeah she was from France" "She was thin" "She was thin she was French" "She dead though ain't she" "Yeah she was a prostitute" "So" "Shut up" "The sparrow" "Yeah the little sparrow that's right yeah" "So are you all set then Aubrey?" "Got all your little menus printed up and everything?" "Oh yeah - Yeah good" "No I haven't actually" "Oh blimey when do you open?" "Tuesday" "Well it only gives you a couple of days" "How's everyone meant to know what they want to eat" "They might not want to eat" "Oh here we go" "Don't be stupid it's a restaurant" "So" "It's alright by me if they don't want to eat they can bask in the atmosphere" "Oh blimey you're not going to make much profit that way Aubrey" "No manger-e no sweat" "That's daft" "No it aint" "Parisien" "Why don't they eat in Paris then?" "Good one" "Seven" "Two-fifty" "I'll come down to six" "Right three hundred" "Five-fifty" "So I'll give you three hundred now and fifty when I've checked out the gear" "Five hundred" "Four hundred" "Four fifty" "Four twenty five" "Alright done - right- it's a deal" "Cheers" "Hang on hang on drop the wheel" "Drop the wheel there you go and up" "Hey how about that sweet as a nut" "Genius" "Just get parked up be right back" "Off you go" "Oh Andy" "What do you think?" "Oh Andy you haven't" "She loves it Patsy" "Look at it, mobile goldmine I can feel it in me water" "Oh Andy you're joking me?" "I'm not, I promise God's truth, no word of a lie" "Have you bought it?" "Yeah good isn't it?" "No - Great" "What do you reckon?" "Not much" "Andy it's a heap of rubbish" "What do you mean?" "Well look at it" "It's got character isn't it" "I love it" "It's disgusting" "Eh?" "It's ecologically unsound" "You're ecologically unsound" "Bollocks" "What do you reckon Nat?" "It's embarrassing" "Eh?" "Nah, you and me soon get it licked into shape" "You must be joking" "It's all rusty" "No no Wendy that is just superficial" "Know what I mean" "Bit of treatment, nice coat of paint it'll come up lovely" "This is you isn't it?" "Eh?" "Oh Patsy" "Excuse me mate if you don't mind" "What?" "Oh yeah yeah cool" "Isn't it great Aub?" "Yeah yeah yeah it's eh" "The possibilities are eh..y'know" "Yeah it's all there, the works all you need" "Where're you going to keep it Andy?" "'cause you're not keeping it here" "Get a lock-up or something" "Andy" "I'll be right with you mate just give me what's it's" "Andy" "What's going on Patsy?" "Nothing" "Well how much is he paying you for it then?" "Well that is not for me to say Wendy" "You're behaving like a big kid" "Don't be cheeky" "Alright Patsy" "Andy where're you going?" "Ten minutes Wend" "Where're you going" "I'll be right back - Bye bye Wendy" "Andy" "What's he doing?" "Getting conned" "As usual" "Aubrey are you alright?" "Oh blimey" "I thought you had copped it then" "Yeah sorry it went up on me there" "Yeah" "I wondered what was happening and..." "Have a cup of tea" "Ah jackpot" "There you go mate" "Thanks very much Andy" "Alright mate I'll see you through the week" "Don't you want a lift?" "Nah I've got to go and see me old Mum" "Alright - Y'know what I mean" "Alright cheers all the best" "To be honest with you" "It's worth far more in scrap value alone than what I paid for it" "So what did you pay for it then?" "What?" "Well..what I done I mean I haven't actually.. it depends what you mean by" "See he's not cracking on Aubrey" "No no no I know what I'm doing" "Ha ha could of fooled me" "Well I hope you didn't pay more than ten quid for it" "Well I paid more than ten quid for it yeah but look at it, it's an investment" "Tory" "So what do you think about it Aubrey?" "Yeah mate" "It's.." "Now be honest" "Yeah gilt edged y'know" "See Aubrey knows the game" "Can't go wrong" "Ronald McDonald had to start somewhere didn't he" "Oh blimey it's old Big Mac sitting here look" "So when are we going to see your restaurant then Aub" "Yeah" "Whenever you like" "Have a little nose" "Yeah before you open if you want any advice" "He wants it to be a success Dad" "Shut up - Yeah" "I'd love you to see my restaurant" "Don't get me wrong I'm confident" "Infact I'm mega confident" "Oh are you?" "I just haven't had any outside input y'know" "Oh haven't you?" "We could go now Wend" "Yeah alright" "He might want to stay here" "Well what does he want to stay here for?" "'cause" "He can do what he likes" "We can go now yeah cool" "Well yeah yeah yeah great" "Just give me us minute to powder my nose then" "Hey" "Andy have you fell in?" "What?" "We've seen it all before y'know" "He fell in the water" "Prat - Boring git" "Shut up" "You're going to break a leg one of these days Andy" "You alright Andy?" "Yeah mate just mucking about" "Aubrey" "Oh blimey" "I thought we were going to take off then" "I've got no handles I can't get out - Yeah I know that's why I'll have to come around" "Hey Andy I thought we were going to fly then" "I can't get it up ooh" "That's fantastic isn't look look Wend tres exclusive" "It's nice Andy - Yeah great" "It's in good nick isn't it - I like the lamps" "Oh that's where you're going to keep your little menus is it in there?" "Yeah I can't find the key though" "Well you need a key Aub" "What is it?" "Aw it's a little pet cat look" "It's a little moggy" "Aw bless him" "Yeah it's fantastic isn't it" "I was going to put this up here" "Oh you can't" "No not in a restaurant Aubrey it'll put people off their food" "No it'll smell - Yeah" "See what I'm going for here is eh.." "The street" "Eh the War - Yeah and I've got these accordians from a car boot sale and I'm going to stick them up there and eh" "They are going to represent the eh" "Music of Paris" "Do they work Aubrey?" "No they're knackered" "I got the three of them for £17.50 y'know" "They saw you coming mate" "Yeah well the birdcages" "I'm going to hang them up all over the ceiling" "Yeah you've got a load of them ain't you" "They're going to eh" "Symbolise" "The sparrow" "Oh I like the bike" "Oh yeah ah isn't it novel" "It's brilliant isn't it" "The old onion seller" "That's in the wrong place" "Oh blimey" "Is this the original French article Aubrey?" "Yeah yeah" "No it was my Dads actually yeah it was in the shed" "Aww isn't that nice Andy" "Aww he would of been proud of you Aubrey" "No I don't think he would of cared less Wendy y'know" "He was a nasty old bastard" "Here look at this" "Oh you've got a fish tank look" "That's good isn't it" "Oh yeah" "I thought they were real" "So did I" "Oh fish look a bit unfit don't they" "The water's murky isn't it" "Yeah I'm going to put a couple of lobsters in there" "So people can choose them and I'm going to cook them in over a minute y'know" "Nice one" "Yeah so where are you going to put your prawns then?" "Prawn" "Is that all?" "just one?" "King prawn" "Oh sorry" "Anyway you like Wendy y'know" "It's all a matter of what picture you want to paint" "You having all black plates then?" "Yeah, great canvas" "What sort of sauce are you using there Aub?" "Basically jam blended with orange juice" "Orange juice" "What's that white stuff?" "cream?" "Nah it's fromage frais isn't it - Yoghurt" "Is it?" "I think you'll find that fromage frais will bubble on you And" "It needn't" "I acheived this effect by eh" "Gently" "Easing" "Teasing and squeezing" "Oh don't be so dirty" "Until you've got a nice symmetrical circle and eh" "Then we eh" "Chisel in the pattern with the end of a knife and Bob's your Uncle it's ready to set" "Aw it looks nice though Andy" "Your grill's in a bit of a state Aubrey" "Is it?" "Oh yeah the girl can do all that" "When they starting then your girls?" "The dogsbody tommorow then the waitress on Tuesday" "Oh right - Great team" "Ah I love your little candles" "Bistro effect isn't it" "Yeah they're great ain't they" "I've been trying to get them all the same length" "But eh" "I keep forgetting to blow them out y'know and have to start all over again" "I've been through 12 boxes this week" "Ah that'll be your first little booking" "Here we go" "Hello the Regret Rien" "Oh hi Hilary" "How are you?" "are you in the starting blocks raring to go?" "great" "You what?" "Hang on a minute" "Say that again" "Look at the state of this place" "Aww shame isn't it" "I don't think he'll be ready y'know" "You want to see the ladies toilet" "Still, all credit to him - Aw bless him yeah" "Puts the old caravan in perspective doesn't it" "Aw Andy please don't remind me" "What do you mean?" "Well I don't want it sitting there do I for 2 years blocking my view" "Nah this has inspired me" "I want to get back get down to work, get stuck in" "Pigs might fly" "Fuck you" "What's up mate?" "Nothing" "Do you want a cigar Andy?" "No thanks mate I don't use them" "Wendy would you like a liquor" "No ta no I'm fine" "Who's that then?" "My waitress" "What the big girl?" " yeah The Aussie?" " yeah" "No Kiwi" "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" "Got to laugh ain't you" "What's the matter then?" "She's eh let me down y'know" "How do you mean?" "She's going away with her boyfriend" "When?" "Today" "She was phoning from Heathrow" "Where's she going" "Flipping Prague" "Aww" "Oh that's not right" "No that's not on mate - No sorry" "It's great isn't it" "You give someone a break a chance to better themselves" "An opportunity to enter into brave new venture and what do they do?" "Piss off to Poland" "Well that's typical Aussie isn't it, travellers" "Students" "It's Czechoslovakia isn't it, Prague?" "Yeah is it?" "Yeah" "It's alright I can cope" "I can do it on my own - No you can't" "Yes I can I've come this far so far solo I can go the whole hog" "I can wait on table I can do that, I'm not proud" "I can eat in a fucking kitchen" "Aubrey Aubrey calm down calm down" "What you got to do you got to get onto an agency" "Get a waitress over here to cover you til you get yourself sorted out" "Yeah 'cause you need that little support" "That's right" "It's alright Andy" "Wendy" "Everything's hunkydory cool" "I'm in complete control" "If ever I see her again" "I'll stick a knife in her guts" "I'll slice her face off y'know" "Whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah" "Jesus Christ don't the neighbours complain?" "My eardrums please - oh dear" "Sorry sorry I got over excited" "I am so grateful thank you" "Really really from the deepest part of my heart, thank you" "Aubrey shut up right - No no I'm sincere" "Now listen" "You're in trouble, right?" "and I'm helping you out 'cause that's what friends are for" "That's right isn't it Andy" "It's it's it's amazing" "But you haven't even done bar work Wend, let's be honest" "No but I'm confident I can have a go" "Let's face it, have you ever been a waitress?" "No - No" "But I've been waiting on you all these years haven't I so" "To be totally honest Andy I think Wendy will be a natural y'know" "She's got such grace and charm - Thank you Aubrey" "Excuse me are we talking about the same girl?" "Don't be rotten" "Eh listen, what have I got to wear?" "Black waitress uniform" "What?" "little French maids outfit?" "Eh Andy look at his face" "No anything you like Wendy y'know" "Comme ci comme ca come casual" "What?" "skirt and blouse type of thing yeah?" "Yeah great" "See if you've got anything in pink Wend" "Oh shut up you" "Listen, aren't you going to pay me?" "Oh yeah" "How much?" "£25 a week" "What?" "You're joking me" "Leave it out" "What time's that flight to Prague?" " Yeah we'll be on it" "No no no" "No you don't understand" "That's just a basic for the paperwork, the tax-man y'know" "How do you mean?" "Well you get to keep all your tips that's 12 and a half percent and if you don't get at least a £100 a week I'll make up the difference" "Oh that's not bad" "Oh that sounds alright yeah that'll go towards the holiday" "I don't want to talk about money anyway" "You can have what you like £1000 a week y'know" "Yeah alright you're on" "Well y'know what I mean" "Is this your passion pit then Aub?" "Oh yeah this is where he brings all the girls Andy" "This is the only room I've had decorated" "Oh yeah it's nice though isn't it, this is what I call a proper boys room y'know" "Yeah" "Great bed" "Orthopedic" "£300" "How many does it hold?" "Oh careful" "Oh dear me" "Aubrey" "You alright mate?" "What're you doing?" "coming up for air?" "Thought I'd lost that" "What are you looking for fivers down there?" "No all I'm saying Andy" "Is I think you made a big mistake" "That's all" "Little beauty ain't she" "I mean if you got yourself a bank loan and bought a really decent van that's one thing" "But buying this I mean you're throwing good money after bad" "Have we got any bin bags?" "I mean look at all this it's rubbish" "What do you think I want the bin bags for?" "of course it's rubbish" "It's all rubbish I know that" "That's why I want to get this lot cleared out then I can see what I've got" "Well I'm sorry Andy I can't get any enthusiasm for it" "I know you can't it's obvious" "To be honest with you I would appreciate if you could" "Could do with a bit of moral support" "You'll have to get a license y'know" "What?" "and I tell you what if you park this on someone elses pitch" "You're going to get yourself duffed over" "I can look after myself" "Oh can you?" "Have you ever seen those hot dog fellas they're all like that" "Don't know what you're talking about" "Lipstick's a bit bright Nat" "Oh very amusing" "Where're you going?" "Drink" "Have one for me" "Staying in?" "Yeah" "Yeah he's got to save up now pay for this heap of what's it" "So long as he's happy" "That's right Nat thanks alot much appreciated" "That's alright" "Going in I'm freezing" "Tell you what Andy" "Hope it don't rain tonight, you'll need your snorkel in here in the morning" "I think she likes it don't you?" "Yeah she's over the moon" "See ya - See ya" "Have a good time" "Have another shot then" "Oh very flash" "£200?" "Oh Andy" "Well you're not paying him anymore alright?" "Look, do you want me to carry on doing my brain in at that bloody place for the rest of my life?" "No of course I don't" "Right" "So I'll give it a go at the weekends and if it works out I'll jack in the day job" "Andy you can't jack in your day job before you've got something definite to go to right?" "On a bank holiday weekend I could make" "What?" "Two?" "two and a half thousand quid" "Oh Andy" "You're just a big softy you are" "Well who's to say, alright it's a risk I admit that but it's a risk worth taking isn't it?" "I suppose if the worst comes to the worst we could always go on our holidays in it" "That's right, reconvert it to an ordinary caravan" "Stick a couple of bunk beds in it" "Have a little bunk up" "Oh yes please" "Eh" "Eh how about" "How about" "Orthopedic five hundred quid y'know" "Bouncing up and down on his bed" "Orthopedic y'know Orthopedic y'know" "Tell you, you want to watch out for Aubrey in that kitchen" "He'll come up behind you with a cucumber" "Listen I don't think it'll be a cucumber he'll be coming up behind me with" "Well maybe you fancy him I don't know" "Oh you're joking I'm not that desperate" "Aw bless him" "I feel sorry for him actually" "He's not a bad bloke Aubrey" "What're you doing?" "What?" "I like it do it again" "I'm not doing anything I'm not" "Go on then" "Has Nicola come to bed yet?" "Yeah I think so" "Oh I tell you what Andy" "She gets me in a right state that girl" "I heard myself shouting at her this morning and I thought this isn't me" "I don't recognise myself y'know it's horrible" "Good job they're not identical" "Oh blimey yeah" "Oh I used to think" "It'll be so nice to go to discos together and..." "Bring the boyfriends home" "I won't let you go" "Buttered muffins" "What?" "Alright my friend" "Don't run" "More colour" "Chop chop" "Are you happy in your work Chef?" " Over the moon mate" "Someone's got to do it and at this stage it happens to be you" "and you've got two little chunky legs and you're lovely yeah and you're going to grow up to be a boxer" "Be a big boxer or a wrestler and I bet you're just like your Dad eh?" "Are you just like your Daddy?" "Do you have anything in navy?" "Navy?" "yeah" "Oh listen take no notice of me, I get all carried away y'know 'cause mine are grown up now" "I don't want any pastels - No that's right yeah 'cause you are going to a wedding yeah a little bird told me yeah" "So lets have a look what we got" "Now" "There's that little outfit that's French" "But that's a little bit girly isn't it - He needs something sophisticated" "More sophisticated yeah 'cause he's not a girly boy is he" "Do you know what I mean?" "He's more a boys boy I mean you couldn't mistake him for a girl could you?" "No he's a boy - Yeah" "What's his name?" " Nigel" "Aw bless him" "Little nidgy Nigel" "Well lets see what we've got for you then Nigel" "Lets have a little look" "That's a bit baby baby" "Oh a minute" "That's nice" "We sell alot of them" "Oh I don't think so" "Oh it looks nice on it really does a little sailors outfit" "How's that old boyfriend then Nat?" "What old boyfriends that then Steve?" "Oh come on" "I'm single and care free thanks" "Yeah" "I wish I was" "You never said you was coming today" "I'm sorry" "I'll go shall I?" "No" "What's all this?" "What does it look like?" "A fucking dump" "Like the rest of your house" "Middle class wanker" "This your old mans?" "Yeah" "What?" "you going on holiday?" "Nah it's what he wants to be buried in" "Well come on" "Oh that's alright I didn't want a coffee anyway" "Well it's a dump isn't it - Yeah" "What're you waiting for?" "Go on" "So what've you been doing?" "Working" "Leave it out" "I have" "What sort of work?" "Writing - Writing?" "Yeah" "Writing what?" "A novel" "What's so funny?" "You writing a novel what's it about?" "Don't know haven't started it yet" "Am I in it?" "No" "Is it auto biographical?" " Course it is" "What're you doing?" "Get off" "No" "Hold on a minute" "Jesus no" "What?" "Not again it's boring" "Well I'm not doing it then" "Well don't do it" "Oh come on" "Here you go" "No thanks I've just eaten" "Haha wise guy" "Lie down then" "You pervert" "Don't stop" "I've had enough" "What?" "I can't eat no more I'm full up" "It's not a joke" "I'm going to puke" "Weak" "Are you going then?" "No" "Well you're not staying" "Thought I could get in there with you" "No you won't" "What's a matter with you?" "Nothing" "I don't agree" "EH?" "Don't shout you sexist pig" "Why're you shouting sexist?" "'cause that's what men do - You're full of shit" "Why is it you never want me to stay?" "What's in this machine Nicola?" "My bedding" "Not again" "Why didn't you peg my washing out?" "I'll do it later" "Blimey it could of been dry by now" "So what've you been doing all morning?" "Sweet Fanny Adams as usual" "Anybody ring?" "Like who?" "Like your Grandad for instance" "No" "No" "Look at Andy on his picture" "I still reckon he looks so Tommy Cooper" "What did you have for you're breakfast?" "A big fry up" "No really" "Toast" "I don't beleive you Nicola" "Can you lend us a couple of quid?" "What for?" "A packet of fags" "No chance" "Mean cow" "If you're giving your stomach a rest you might as well give your lungs a rest an all" "So what have you been up to?" "Nothing" "Look at the state of you chalk white face" "Blimey you look like a ghost" "You'd frighten the birds you would" "No wonder you didn't peg my washing out" "Ooh nevermind eh" "I was like you" "I started at the bottom y'know" "I was on the sick for six weeks before I got a look in" "It's all about keeping your eyes peeled" "These tongues are a pain in the neck" "Can't get into the crevices" "Is it a pigs tongue?" "Lambs tongue" "Couldn't get a pigs tongue in your mouth" "It would stick in your throat" "Would it?" "You look quite attractive in white" "Suits you" "There's the skins chuck them away" "Good" "Hey" "You got rythym y'know" "Here have some more" "You done really well today" "Have I?" "Yeah" "I'm really pleased with you" "You're quite a tasty little worker y'know" "That's nice" "It's a bit old fashioned looking isn't though that one" "Black skirt, white blouse it's traditional, I like it" "Oh Andy my legs are like jelly sticks I'm sorry I said I would do it now" "Just go for it" "You wore that for Joans wedding didn't you" "Oh blimey yeah" "Aw poor Joan" "Poor Donald" "What about Tracy?" "I like this" "Yeah now you're talking - Yeah that's the one isn't it" "Yeah" "I preferred the white" "Oh blimey" "I'm going to be late" "Oh eh Andy do you remember this?" "You do us any tea Wend?" "Yeah there's a little chicken casserole in the oven" "That's nice" "You hungry?" "Here I went to this old girls house today right" "She had her dead dog lying on the sofa" "She never - Eh?" "No, the skin spread out like a rug" "Oh charming - Eww" "She had arthritic hands couldn't turn her tap on" "Thought it was bust" "I went straight to it gave it a good twist and it was perfectly alright" "So what did you do then?" "Well I changed the washer for her so she didn't look stupid" "Oh that's a good girl" "Did you charge her a call out?" "Well I had to you know what they're like" "I didn't want to" "Where's this then?" "Off the A10 somewhere" "She said she would give me some toffee though she couldn't find her ration book" "Did she?" "Aww bless her" "I don't suppose you know what a ration book is do you?" "Course I do" "Learn allsorts in your business don't you and she kept calling me a good lad" "Oh she never?" "Yeah" "Well you should of said to her listen I'm a Miss" "Nah no point" "More interesting than my job" "Same every day" "We had a bloke slice the end off his finger this morning" "What right off?" "No there was like a flap" "No Andy don't" "Christ - There was alot of blood" "No it was his own fault" "I've a very good accident record as it happens" "Yeah we know" "No it's true, It's because I drum it into them health and safety, health and safety" "Still you're always going to get someone showing off ain't you" "Yeah" "Oh blimey I haven't done my nails" "Come on lets leave her in peace she's got to get ready for her big night and shut the door" "Oh Wendy" "You look fantastic do you know that Wendy?" "Oh thanks only I didn't want to let you down y'know" "You haven't" "I've had six different blouses on tonight" "No so as long as you're happy y'know" "You're superb" "Eh is that what you're wearing?" "?" "They lend you that for having soup?" "That's what me Mum used to say" "Are you hungry?" "I'll buy you some fish and chips later y'know" "Will you?" "I might" "See you've got tomato souffle - Yeah" "Kidney vol-au-vent - Oh vol-au-vents yeah" "We had them on me 21st vol-au-vents they're nice" "This is the whole kidney" "King prawn in jam sauce - Oh yeah just the one" "Chilled brains, they speak for themselves - Oh not brains" "Prune quiche, that's one for our vegetarian friends" "Right" "Black pudding and camembert soup - Oh no don't" "Boiled bacon consomme - Oh no consomme that's the same as soup isn't it?" "It's basically the bacon water - Yeah" "That's like what your Mum gives you when you're ill?" "and a saveloy on a bit of lychees - Oh I got a little Chinesey one in there" "That's all your hors-o'deurs and that's your entrees" "Right so this is me main course type of thing right" "What's that one there pork what?" "pork list?" "Pork cyst" "Cyst?" "Yeah" "Oh you're joking me?" "No" "No it's not called cyst?" "Aw me Dad had one of them - Did he?" "Yeah underneath" "Hey cough" "Aw bless him" "What is it?" "It's like a dumpling y'know" "Oh I couldn't and then we have duck in chocolate sauce yeah" "Tongues in a rhubarb bouillabaisse - Oh no" "Liver in lager and clams in ham" "That's with a pan fried coq au base sauce" "Yeah" "Or quails in a bit of spinach with treacle" "Or my piet de resistance grilled trotters with eggs over easy" "Oh right what's over easy?" "State side sunny side up y'know" "Oh yeah the one I can turn" "Oh blimey Aubrey I'll never remember all this" "You'll be fine" "Any problems refer them to me" "Yeah but you'll be in the kitchen cooking won't you" "Yeah I'll be in there, I'll be out here I'll be everywhere" "I'll be chef patron y'know" "Well you should of had your little menus printed up like I told you, right?" "Yeah yeah no sweat" "I want this restaurant to be built on a one to one mouth to mouth reputation y'know" "Would you like a glass of wine Wendy?" "Oh no thanks no me stomachs all of a go with me nerves" "Yeah go on in it might sort you down" "Oh go on then just half a glass" "Oh blimey I forgot I've got something for you - Have you?" "oh great" "Alright?" "I want to go for a fag" "What?" "Now?" "We're busy" "Are we?" "Yeah go on then, be quick just have half of one" "With a bit of luck I'll get me fortune told later" "Feel free" "Got a little card for you" "Oh thanks very much - That's from me an Andy and the girls" "Oh that's fantastic" "That's really brilliant, that's really marvellous you're a really attractive woman, thanks very much" "All the best good luck" "Thank you" "We are now officially open - blimey sorry sorry" "As far as I'm concerned" "Footbal died the day Arsenal won the double" "That's right yeah" "What was they?" "workhorses" "Boring buggers ain't they" "Where as the Spurs double team they was artists wasn't they" "Yeah they was artists" "Twenty one quid a week they got, can you imagine?" "What do they get today?" "millions" "Then they've got the back handers on top of that ain't they" "Poncing round the penalty area with their handbags" "Yeah prima donnas" "Oh he kicked me, ref" "Brown" "Baker" "Henry" "Blanchflower" "Yeah Danny boy" "Yeah" "He was the architect of the modern game y'know" "That's right yeah" "Norman, McKay" "Jones, White, Smith Alan Dyson" "Yeah, come on you Spurs" "John White what a player eh?" "Yeah" "I used to have a little picture of him on my wall" "Ringed in black - Yeah tragic" "What a way to go" "Struck by lightning" "On a golf course" "Yeah what a waste eh?" "Do you want another?" "Yeah alright" "Want something with it?" "Yeah, rum and black" "Large one?" "Yeah alright - Yeah" "See the thing is" "Is that people don't like to venture out too early do they?" "No not on a Tuesday no" "No they like to get home" "Have a bath" "Chill out" "Have their tea and then go out to eat" "Did you put an advert in the paper?" "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah" "No I didn't actually" "You should of had some little cards printed then I could of given them out in the shop" "Yeah I didn't want to attract the wrong sort of people y'know" "Oh charming oh thanks very much Aubrey" "Would you like another glass of wine Wendy?" "Oh yeah go on alright I'll keep you company" "Great hands" "Do you think you'll ever have kids?" "No" "Well you're pretty sure for one so young" "What?" "and look like a tank for nine months?" "give me a break" "Is that all you're worried about?" "what you'll look like?" "I'd make a good Mother" "Oh would you?" "Yeah" "Why?" "do you want kids?" "Yeah" "In the fullness of time" "Do you?" "Course" "You've got to have a boy friend first" "Yeah one does generally need a bloke this is true" "Well you're not doing very well then are you?" "Well I haven't seen your men exactly queuing up in droves" "You don't know" "What?" "they sneak around here in the day time do they when no one's in?" "Anyway you don't need a bloke to have a kid" "Well I wouldn't fancy bringing one up on me own" "Well it's better to be on your own than be with a bastard" "Well presumably you wouldn't choose a bastard in the first place if you had any sense" "All men are bastards" "What?" "They're all potential rapists" "That's a bit sweeping" "All men have got the ability to rape" "Well they don't all do it do they?" "If they've got the ability they've got the desire" "That's paranoid rubbish" "What do you know about paranoia?" "Well not half as much as you do I'll give you that" "You'll find out when you get to America" "I'm only going on a holiday" "So?" "What?" "you think I'm going to get yanked off the plane at J.F.K. airport and be raped and pillaged do you?" "You've got to be on your guard" "Did you hear what I just said?" "What?" "Yanked" "Get it?" "What?" "Yanked" "America" "Racist" "There's another bloody couple coming" "N.." "Yeahp" "Yeah they're coming this way" "Definetly" "Do you want me to tell Paula again?" "Yeah action stations" "No" "Shit" "Fucking yuppies" "They went straight past" "Oh did they?" "Oh perhaps they weren't hungry" "Where's Pauline?" "She's sitting on your work surface" "Is she?" "Yeah she's picking" "Right" "Don't sit up there Pauline" "It's unhygenic" "Cross infection" "These stocks are reducing nicely" "Secret of a great sauce" "Is a well reduced stock" "No stock no sauce" "Keys to the door" "You're working with a genius" "Do you know that?" "I'm not just a wanker y'know" "I could teach you things" "You've never even dreamed of" "I'm a magician" "I want a drink" "Well there's plenty of orange juice in there, help yourself" "I want some wine" "I can't have you getting drunk" "Kitchen's a very dangerous place" "She's got wine" "Me and Wendy" "We go back a long way" "Y'know" "I'm a friend of the family" "Classic nose" "Here you are" "Here" "What you think of this?" "What you got there?" "Lets have a look" "A pocket telly" "Yeah" "Have a look?" "Feel free" "That's good isn't it" "Yeah neat" "There we go" "Leave it out" "You fool" "Eh seen these?" "Give us it, give us back" "How much do you want for that then?" "I could" "Let you have it half price" "A hundred knicker" "Yeah nice isn't it" "Yeah" "Be tasty on the salad wagon" "Wouldn't it?" "Nah can't afford it" "What about that hundred?" "What hundred?" "That hundred you never gave me" "Y'know" "If someone had turned up with that twenty five years ago" "Instead of a bloody martian" "You would have to beleive them wouldn't you?" "Yeah yeah" "So you don't want it?" "No Patsy I don't want it" "I don't want anything" "Mean bastard" "Come on you bastards" "I'm open" "I'm ready, I'm waiting for you this is what you've all been waiting for" "Come and get it" "Fish wifes" "Footballers" "You English dickhead" "You can stick to your fish and chips go on, go and get cancer" "Thousand pounds" "Ten thousand pounds" "Go on mate cook him" "You working class morons" "Go and eat your own shit go on" "That is enough" "No more" "Right?" "'cause you're being a naught boy" "Marry me Wendy" "What?" "I want to marry you" "Now stop it" "Aubrey stop it get off" "I love you" "Y'know" "Now don't be stupid, right?" "I'm already married I'm married to Andy" "I love Andy he's my best friend" "Yeah well we're very fond of you now you know that" "I don't care, I don't care if you're married to Andy" "You can still marry me you just don't have to tell him" "Now stop it right now sit down" "Sit down" "What're you doing?" "Get off me" "Aubrey stop it now" "I want to fuck you Wendy" "Now stop talking like that" "Now just stop it right, because Andy won't let me come here again" "Do you hear me?" "he won't" "I worship the ground you walk on" "Now look you're bending down that means you're going to be sick" "I kiss your feet" "Well there might be a little bit of doggy on me shoes right, and you're not going to like that so get up" "Nicola" "What?" "Oh Nicola" "Nicola's not here right she's at home saving the world" "Now look you've got vodka all down you're suit and that's your best suit you've bought for tonight, right?" "Sit down - I don't want it" "I don't want it - What?" "Sit down - I want Andy to have this" "Andy doesn't want it" "Yeah he's a poor man - Andy's got a suit" "No he can wear it in the fucking stupid caravans" "Now stop that" "Behave yourself" "He can have the suit 'cause he's all scruffy" "What're you doing?" "I'm going to give him the suit - Leave your trousers on Aubrey" "Aubrey leave your trousers on" "Behave yourself and leave your trousers on" "I love him and Nicky" "I tell you what" "What're you doing now?" "You're going to fall" "No I'm not drunk right I'm not drunk" "Aubrey stop it" "Now behave yourself right you're being silly" "Aubrey" "Aubrey will you stop it" "Now you're behaving like an idiot listen to me" "No you don't do any more, no" "Blimey" "Shame though isn't it" "Come on Paula we're going" "Oh look at me" "Oh that's alright he'll find them there in the morning" "Oh what a night" "I tell you what" "Never again" "What a mistake" "It's alright he's only asleep he's not dead" "There's no need to be frightened" "I'm not frightened" "Eh?" "Nothing to be frightened of" "Alright" "Is this your little coat and here's your bag" "Now how're you getting home?" "Eh?" "Bus" "Right got you're fare?" "Where's your little purse?" "in here?" "Where's your cigarettes?" "In the pocket" "Right come on then" "What's a matter?" "eh?" "We're going for chips" "Who's going for chips?" " Me and Aubrey" "Aubrey's in a coma he doesn't want any chips" "Well he'll be hungry when he wakes up won't he" "It stands to reason" "Alright I'll buy you chips" "I don't want no chips" "Alright well I won't buy you chips" "Come on Paula" "Look I tell you what take your hat off and put your coat on we don't want to frighten people do we?" "Oh Nicola" "Oh blimey hark at him" "Look I tell you what" "I'll run you to the bus-stop, ok?" "Paula" "Are you coming with me?" "Stopping here" "You can't stop here" "Please Paula" "Come on" "Blinking heck" "Andy" "Andy" "What?" "Oh blimey what're you doing?" "Tidying up" "You're not having no lager" "Get us a lager Nat" "You must be joking" "You've had enough lager for tonight right blooming lager lout, now get up the stairs" "What're you doing?" " There's somebody at the door" "There's nobody at the door that's you" "Listen you'll have Irene banging on the wall again - What do you want?" "who is it" "Where's the lager?" "In the fridge" "Get up the stairs - Alright alright" "Look at the state of you" "You've got your best trousers on you've got your new shoes" "Now what?" "what're you doing?" "Can you shut the caravan door?" " I've shut the caravan door" "Are you going to be sick?" "Don't you be sick on me Andy" "Nicola shut the caravan door" "No" "Brown, Baker Henry" "How did it go tonight?" "Terrible if you must know" "Why?" "I'll tell you later, no Andy no get in that toilet and do a wee" "Blimey look this is the seat" "I don't want me carpet all soaking wet and close the door you've got two daughters" "What's a matter with you?" "That's what's a matter with me I've got two daughters" "Oh shut up - What did I tell you" "So come on then, what happened at the restaurant?" "How many tips did you score?" "Nothing happened at the restaurant right?" "and keep it out" "I've had enough for one night I'm up to here with the lot of you" "No he could be dead this morning y'know Andy I'm not kidding" "All that broken glass he might of severed an artery" "Should of called the police shouldn't I?" "I feel like Princess Margaret" "I could of killed you last night" "I'll drop in on him on my way back from work, tell him he was out of order" "Will you?" "Yeah" "Suppose I've lost me hundred quid now haven't I?" "I'll get it off him, he's not going to get away with that" "Outrageous behaviour" "I got to go Wend" "See you tonight" "I'll be late" "Where're you going?" "I'm meeting Patsy for a drink" "You're not?" "Got you!" "Get out" "Come on lets go up" "No" "What?" "Not yet" "I know you want it" "Do I?" "Yeah" "How do you know?" "Syncronicity" "Shut up" "I don't want it" "What do you mean?" "I want you" "Sentimentalist" "Nah nah nah" "I come in we go straight upstairs, we do it" "Bingo you're a pain in the arse I don't want that, I want to see you nice" "Well what's nice?" "it's only a boring cliche" "No nice, nice show me a bit of civility a bit of respect" "You don't show me no respect" "I'm trying to respect you now, trying to treat you like a real person" "Instead of some fucking shag bag" "Come on talk to me" "What about?" "Anything" "Anything you think anything you know" "What do you care about?" "Eh?" "You got all these fucking books upstairs" "Women who love men too much men who hate women, women who love and women in love, womens ruin female eunuch" "Have you read any of that crap?" "What's it to you?" "Have you?" "Course" "So what have you learnt from it?" "That I'm a feminist" "What's a feminist?" "Oh come on" "No no no what does it mean?" "Stop being antagonistic" "I'm not being antagonistic I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation with you" "Are you capable of that?" "Eh?" "I don't think you are are you?" "Really" "Bit vacant aint you" "Bit of an air-head" "Nothing going on" "Bit dumb" "Bit dizzy" "Dimbo bimbo dumb blondster ain't you?" "Eh hello anyone at home hello hello" "You're a fake" "I am intelligent" "Are you coming upstairs?" "No" "Well piss off then" "Alright" "Blimey days Nicola look at the state of you" "You're sitting there like there's a grey cloud over you it's like the sun's gone in" "You've got no energy 'cause you don't eat your dinners and you've got no joy in your soul" "How do you know?" "I know because you've given up 'cause your not happy, that's how I know" "I am happy" "You've lost all your friends" "I don't see them knocking on the door anymore" "I don't want friends they dissapoint you" "I mean you say you want to change the world" "You're supposed to be political but I don't see you doing anything about it" "I am political and shut the door" "How are you political?" "I read the paper I watch the news" "I'm more political than you" "Oh blimey Nicola We can all watch the telly" "You should be out there helping the old aged pensioners or going on marches or whatever" "Marches are a waste of time it's boring" "If you put your money where your mouth is you should be joining one of these socialist what's it groups" "Or the nuclear disarmament whatever but you don't" "All you do is sit here in this room staring at the walls and tweeking and twitching and you're so perfect?" "No" "I'm not perfect but I haven't given up" "I'm still out there fighting and I tell you what Nicola" "Every time I look out that window and I see that rusty old caravan sitting there" "Do you know what it says to me?" "It says to me there's a man who hasn't given up either" "Who's still out there fighting looking for his dream" "Well it says to me there's a man who's getting greedy" "Greedy?" "You're Dad?" "He's the most unselfish man I've ever met" "Do you know he's up at six o'clock every morning" "Slogging his guts out in a job he hates" "Which is more than you do and he still comes home at the end of the week with sod all" "I'm not prepared to be exploited" "Exploited?" "You're not prepared to work full stop" "You've accepted Nat as a plumber and you didn't like that at first" "No I didn't I didn't like it" "But I can see now I was wrong because she's happy" "I don't know what I want to do yet" "Oh don't you?" "Well you had your chance Nicola" "When you were seventeen when you were at the college doing your three A levels" "You were going great and then suddenly you stopped" "You stopped eating, you stopped everything you ended up eight weeks in the hospital" "Well you put me there I didn't want to go" "Oh for Gods sake Nicola you were at deaths door" "You were trying to control my life" "You were dieing - No I wasn't" "Yes you were" "I'd know if I was dieing" "Doctor Harris told us you had two weeks to live" "You didn't know that did you?" "Three of us coming home every night crying our eyes out" "You were lucky" "Life's not easy Nicola" "I could of given up right?" "Sixteen I was doing me A levels" "What A levels?" "English and business studies if you must know" "Then I got pregnant with twins" "Well why didn't you have an abortion?" "Because I didn't want one" "Because I had two little lives growing inside me" "I don't beleive in it that's the easy way out" "You're Dad was only seventeen he was at catering college and he was working in hotels at night trying to get a bit extra" "We got a little flat together begged and borrowed a couple of cots and when the two of you were born we were thrilled to bits" "Because we had two lovely little babies" "We came through laughing" "Well don't blame me I didn't ask to be born" "I'm not blaming you Nicola" "I just want you to be happy that's all, and you're not" "I wouldn't care what blooming job you did" "I wouldn't care how scruffy you looked as long as you were happy" "But you're not something inside you has died" "You've given up and if one day I could just walk throught that door and you could look at me and you could say look Mum" "Help me please I don't know what I'm doing I don't know where I'm going" "Then I'd say great because now we can be honest with each another" "Now we can start talking" "But I'm not in a mess" "Aren't you?" "You're giving me a problem when I haven't got one" "Why Nicola" "If you hate me so much" "Why don't you throw me out?" "We don't hate you" "We love you, right?" "You stupid girl" "What've you done you silly sod?" "I think I've broke me ankle" "Jesus - Don't touch it lay flat" "Breathe breathe" "I am breathing for Christs sake - Lay flat, relax" "Got to help you I'll be back" "Nel, where're you going?" "Nel Nel" "A spoon!" "A fucking spoon for Christs sake" "Who dropped this spoon?" "Who dropped this spoon?" "Hello" "Yeah speaking yeah" "Oh hello how're you?" "Oh blimey you're joking me?" "he hasn't?" "Aw how did he do it?" "Oh no sorry Brian I'm sorry I know you shouldn't laugh, but" "Aw is he alright though?" "Yeah, no it's alright no I can come over, yeah straight away" "Alright thanks for phoning me" "Aw yeah and you alright then" "Yeah ta ta bye" "Nicola" "Oh Christ" "Hello Nat Look at the state of him" "Here you are take the bag" "Take these Wend" "Go on" "How're you going to do it?" " I don't know" "Oh blimey" "Hang on hang on - Take it steady" "Don't let that door slam - Don't worry I've got it" "Do you want a hand?" " No no I'll do it myself" "Ok?" " Yeah yeah" "Right" "There you go - Give us those" "That's it that's it" "Right come on take it easy" "I've got you - Alright" "It's alright" "Open the gate Nat - Yeah hold on" "Go on" "Now don't rush Andy, right?" "It's alright - Just take it steady" "Andy what're you doing?" "Blimey you're not a greyhound in a race" "Well take it Wend" "I'm trying Andy - Well get rid of it" "Alright?" "Yeah" "He needs a little thingy doesn't he" "Hold on I'll get this table" "Oh that's it Nat" "Here we are" "Right" "That's the job - Careful careful careful" "Looks like the Royal leg" "Aw look at his little face aw poor Andy" "He's been through alot y'know" "Hey listen how're you going to get your trousers off?" "Cut them" "Well I tell you what I'll get me little scissors right?" "and I'll come up the inside leg" "Don't make me laugh Wendy" "How long you got to have this on for then?" "I don't know, six or eight weeks something like that" "Cushy number" "Yeah I wouldn't mind six weeks holiday" "Well it's a damn nuisance as a matter of fact" "I was going to get started on the caravan when I got back from work this evening, it's a pisser" "Oh blimey what about Aubrey?" "Oh yeah" "What about Aubrey?" "Oh lets leave it" "Let him stew in his own juice I've got enough on me plate" "Ain't you going in tonight then?" "No - Why?" "Because - Where's Nicola?" "Upstairs" "Does she know I had an accident?" "Well she told me" "Nicola" "Here I'll run these things up Andy" "Oh hang on, give us that give us it here" "I know what you want" "You want your little souvenir don't you?" "Yeah that's the bastard that's the culprit" "What?" "Yeah trying to kid us he slipped on a spoon" "He was still blooming drunk from last night" "Never" "I've never known pain like it Nat" "Ain't you?" "Searing pain" "Did you hear it snap?" "No I didn't actually" "Oh yeah I did" "Yeah I did" "Did you?" "Yeah" "It's like when you break a dry stick across your knee" "Know what I mean?" "Nicola" "What?" "Can I come in?" "Look at that" "An ordinary spoon" "I never noticed it before" "Here you are" "Nineteen seventy five" "This spoon was born when you were seven years old" "Oh yeah" "Just sits in a drawer" "Out of the drawer" "Into the peas" "Stir the custard" "Into the wash out of the wash" "Up on the hooks with all the other spoons and all the time just waiting for the fatal day" "When it would drastically alter the course of a mans life" "It doesn't look dangerous does it?" "Nah you take my word for it that is an evil spoon" "Here you are look put it in a place of honour" "Keep an eye on it" "Yeah I don't trust it" "Get us some chocolate" "Tell you what" "Go and give your face a little wash make you feel a bit better eh?" "Nah" "You don't want your Dad to know you've been sitting here crying do you?" "He don't want to see me" "He does" "I'll make him feel worse" "Don't be so daft" "I'm a burden to you" "Listen" "We got to turn over a new leaf yeah?" "Both of us" "All of us" "Come on have a little cup of tea" "Nah I don't want one" "Come on do it for your Dad" "He's been asking for you" "Has he?" "Yeah" "Sitting there with his tongue hanging out" "You know what he's like he wants a bit of tea and sympathy" "I just want to talk to you" "Do you?" "Do you want a hand Nat?" " Nah it's alright" "Here you are Andy give us a little bit of chocolate don't hog it all" "It's alright there's plenty for everyone" "Ta" "Here you are Nic" "Want a bit?" " Nah" "Go on have a bit" "Nah it's alright" "Have a little bit cheer yourself up" "It's alright don't force her" "Here you are Nic" "Thanks" "Did you go to the travel agent?" "Yeah" "I'm going to New York" "Chicago and New Orleans" "Ain't you going Disney?" "No I want to go interesting places" "Oh blimey fancy going to the States and not going to Disney land" "Why don't you go Nic?" "Nah" "It's too big" "Well she can go next year" "Get yourself sorted" "Save up eh?" "How's the leg?" "Oh not too bad throbbing a bit" "Only one problem" "I got to go to the toilet in a minute" "Eh" "Go and get your Dad a bucket" "Hey look at that spoon" "Just take the weight just take the weight" "That's it that's it" "Blimey it's heavy isn't it" "Alright?" " Yeah" "Put the pillow behind me" "There you go" "That's it" "Tell you what Andy" "Good job you're not a horse" "Why?" "They'd of shot you" "Here you are then" "There you go" "It's good you had that chat with Mum isn't it" "Get things cleared up" "Eh?" "Did you tell her?" "Tell her what?" "Everything" "What do you mean?" "You know what I mean" "No?" "I'm not deaf" "I never said you was" "I've got the room next to yours, remember" "I can hear you" "What?" "playing my music?" "You know what I'm talking about" "At nights" "Getting sick and everything" "I'm not sick" "Oh come on" "I'm not" "It's hot isn't it" "I can't help it" "I know" "I think we should do something about it" "Who's we?" "You and me" "Have you told them about it" "No" "Why not?" "Well don't know" "Suppose I should of" "Don't know why I didn't" "Yeah I do know why 'cause I think you should" "I know what I do is disgusting" "I am disgusting" "Yeah it is disgusting" "Mind you I do some pretty disgusting things myself" "Do you?" "Yeah" "What?" "Oh I can't tell you" "What is it?" "I put my hands down toilets and on a good day I might get bitten by a rat" "Do you want any money?" "Yeah" "Alright" "Cheers" "Nah it's ok"