"I'm sorry, dude." "I'm a little short today." "Can I make you a candle in trade?" "Oh yeah, sure." "As long as you make one of those candles look like a twenty." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What's with the titude?" "If she wanted somethg rotten, she'd buy your bananas." "Hey, Maggie." "I got it." "No, no, Alex." "You do too much for me already." "I need to thank you for getting my landlord to lower my rent." "People really underestimate my arm-wrestling skills." "It's all about wrist position and a greasy table." "Here I am, sir, paying for fruit from this table where I found a bunch of cockroaches." "Shhhh." "Just pay me half and get out of here, Russo." "Right on." "Stick it to the Man." "You know I hate cheating people." "Maggie, wait till you taste those mushy apples." "Believe me, we're not the ones cheating." "Hey, you've got 15 minutes to beat feet to school." "Actually, 14 because you have to give me a hug before you go." "Peace, Alex." "Thank you." "I know it sounds weird, but one of my homework assignments was to carry grocery bags to someone's apartment, and I forgot to do it." " Alex, I'll be fine." " It's okay." "All I have to do at school is read the morning announcements." " Don't you have classes?" " Oh, I have classes." "The question is, "Which one of them I'll be going to?"" "You know, I love how you stuck it to the Man." "Sock it to 'em!" "Oh, yeah!" "Come on." "Sock it to 'em!" "Oh, yeah!" "* Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze *" "* That the end will no doubt justify the means *" "* You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease *" "* Yes, please *" "* But you might find out it'll go to your head *" "* When you write a report on a book you never read *" "* With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed *" "* That's what I said *" "* Everything is not what it seems *" "* You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams *" "* You might run into trouble if you go to extremes *" "* Because everything is not what it seems *" "* Everything is not what it seems *" "* When you can have what you want by the simplest of means *" "* Be careful not to mess with the balance of things *" "* Because everything is not *" "* What it seems *" "When you highlight, Max, you don't use a black marker." " That... makes it disappear." " Oh, my gosh!" "Ssh!" "Dude, that's Jeanette Brocoletti." "Someday I'm going to ask her out." "Why not now?" "Well.." "Because, I..." "I don't know what to say, and..." "I think I smell like teriyaki." "Oh!" "You do." "Did you spill on yourself?" "Let's just say this is not the front of my shirt." "OK, look." "Let me give you some advice." "If you want to talk to Jeanette, all you gotta do is go up to her and make her laugh." "Girls love guys who can make 'em laugh." "All right." "I'll give that a shot." " Good." "Oh!" "Wait." "Are you setting me up for something bad?" "No." "But should have." "It would've been a great joke." "I'm too nice." "Oh, hey, Jeanette." "Hey!" "Bet you wanna know what I'm laughing about?" "Yeah." "We all do." "That's why they sent me over here." "I will tell you." "See that girl over there?" "Her hair looks like spaghetti in a ponytail." "And where does she get her clothes, Forever 1985?" "Max, that's my best friend." "I'm just gonna go." "Max, it's OK." "Sarah makes fun of me sometimes." "Because your eyes are too far apart?" "What?" "You think my eyes are too far apart?" "No!" "Not for me." "I wish they were further apart." "Change the subject." "I kinda wanted to ask you out on a date." "Why don't you just ask me?" "'Cause I blew it." "Go ahead." "Nah." "I'm just gonna wreck it." "Max." "I'm giving you a second chance, because I think you're kind of funny." "Oh." "OK, well..." "That's fine." "But I don't think it's gonna work." "Uh, Jeanette..." "Do you want to go out with me?" "Nah." "What?" "Just kidding." "Give me a call." "Whoa." "Jeanette, thank you!" "It totally worked, bro." "You were funny and she liked you." "Really?" "I wasn't even trying to be funny." "I barely knew what was going on." "Believe me, dude, when it comes to girls that's always the best way." "Hello." "Alex, where are you?" "Second period is starting." "Yeah, the hallway's clear." "OK." "Help me travel on my own." "I need to get there through this phone." "Thanks, Harper." "I would've gotten here sooner but I dialed the wrong number." "There's this really confused guy in India with my footprint on the side of his face." "Alex, Mr. Laritate's really mad at you because you flaked out on morning announcements." "He had the kid with the rubber bands on his braces do them." "I'm not sure if he said "Friday is Picture Day"" "or "Fried eggs in pickled hay."" "It doesn't matter." "I'm going to be ready for both." "I better get to Geometry." "No." "English." "No." "Government." "Oh." "Whatever the class isefore Mr. Laritate..." "Sees you?" "Sit by the window in detention." "I'll throw you some CornNuts." "No more detention for you." "I came to that decision when you brought a blow-up mattress and clock radio that made ocean noises." "To the hoosegow." "I don't know what hoosegow means, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean ice cream stand." "Blueberry or apple?" "Apple." "T marshmallows." "Hey, nice new Navajo blanket." "Thanks, I picked it up at a yard sale." "Oh." "It really ties the room together." "You're in here way too often." "Hey, dude, that's your call, not mine." "Miss Russo," "I used to fancy myself a little bit of an outlaw like you." "I used to belly up to the soda fountain and have a glass of all the flavors mixed together." "They called it soda danger." "I called it breakfast." "That all changed when the doctor called it a peptic ulcer." "Do you see where I'm going with this?" "No, but I rarely do when we have these talks." "I'm talking about howkipping morning announcements is the latest in a long line of your selfish acts." "If it's not putting an "out of order" sign on the girls' bathroom just so you can watch the panic..." "That was a good one." "Then it's having the library order up your fashion magazines." "Oh, that reminds me." "I need them to renew " Hot Rods and Handbags."" "Here's what we're going to do to break this selfish streak." "You're going to join the Happy Helpers club." "Oh, two things I don't like:" "clubs and helping." "I'm not a fan of happy either." "So throw that in, too." "If you don't join, you'll be suspended." "And don't think you can skip it, because I'm the advisor." "Fine." "I'm not going to lie, I still might try." "ax] I got a date." "I got a date." "Dad!" "I got a date." "Max, I told you." "If a girl comes in and asks if you do take-out, it doesn't mean she wants to take you out." "No, a real date with Jeanette Brocoletti." "Really?" "Atta boy." ""Atta boy" what?" "Our son is about to go onis first date." "No, he isn't." "He's only 13." " Mom." " Come on, Theresa." "I'm a reasonable person." "Your father and I will chaperone the date." "OK?" "And it has to happen in here." "I don't know, guys." "Let me ask Justin." "Justin!" "Hey." "Mom and Dad want to chaperone me on my date." "Oh!" "Sounds more like a play date." "My expertise in romance got you this far." "Let me give you a hand." "Guys." "I can chaperone him." "Oh, look at my big boy looking after my little boy." "You're taking me out that night." " Movie in Times Square?" " Yeah." "We can make fun of tourists who visit New York and eat at chain restaurants?" " I love you." " Me too." "OK, Justin, one last favor." "Can you pretend to be the waiter, so she doesn't know I'm being chaperoned?" "Yeah, dude." "No problem." "I've got a suit that I've been dying to wear since Grandma made that miraculous recovery." "Out." "Thanks for joining the Happy Helpers Club with me, Harper." "No problem." "I don't want to see you get suspended." "I don't like hearing what teachers say about you when you're not at school." "Well, this club might not be so bad." "Yeah, it's not like they have a club cheer or anything." "Did I just set it up?" "I think you did." "Happy Helpers!" "Happy Helpers!" "That's what we are!" "Helping people!" "Helping people!" "Helping near and far!" "Yay!" "OK, Happy Helpers." "Before we start our jamboree," "I'd like to welcome Alex Russo and Harper Finkle to our posse." "Club." "Right." "Club." "Now, let's go over who participated in this week's community work." "Did anyone throw away a candy wrapper they found?" "Good." "Did anyone push an elevator button for someone else?" "Good!" "Wait." "These are the good deeds they do?" "That's just stuff they should do every day." "I made change for a dollar." "OK." "This week we need someone to close the front door when the bell rings." "Eeny, meeny, miny.." "Alex." "That's great, Alex." "Whenever we do volunteer work, we get awards and ribbons to put in our Spirit Books." "They're what make us Happy Helpers." "A ribbon for closing the door?" "Harper, you see what's going on?" "They don't care about helping people." "They only care about getting credit for doing nothing." "I'm out of here." "If anyone wants to close the door behind me and get a ribbon, feel free." "No." "Alex, if you don't stay in this class, you're going to get suspended." "Mr. Laritate, I just gave Alex good advice." "How many ribbons is that worth?" "I'll split them with you." "Hey Alex, what's with the bummer face?" "The Man come down on you?" "Yeah." "The Man said I was being selfish so he made me join a stupid club to teach me a lesson." "You mean like a commune?" "Don't knock it till you've tried it." "No." "It's the Happy Helpers Club." "Who are supposed to be all about helping the community but really they're just all about themselves." "Oh, man." "That's bogus." "You are one of the most..." "Oh!" "...unselfish coolest chicks I know." "That's the truth, Ruth." "Mm!" "It's Maggie." "It's an expression." "Ah!" "Respect." "This club does stuff like telling someone their shoe's untied and then they call that community service." "Man, I know where you're coming from." "Back in '68 I was very into the peace movement." "You know?" "Marching, talking to people, organizing." "Then one day, I went to a campus peace rally." "Well, these guys weren't into working for peace at all." "They were just using the whole scene so they could rebel against their parents." "Blew my mind." "So then you just bailed, right?" "Hm?" "No way, LBJ." "What?" "Well, it's an expression." "Respect." "Look, my friends may be puppets of the establishment, but my cause was righteous." "So I grabbed my bullhorn and I spoke the truth." " Spoke the truth." " Yeah!" "Right on." "You know, you should try it sometime." "I can dig it." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Stick it to the Man!" "Sock it to 'em!" "Sock it to 'em!" "Oh, yeah!" "Sock it to 'em!" "Sock it to 'em!" "Oh, yeah!" "Sock it to 'em!" "Excuse me." "We have a reservation." "Russo, party of two." "Yes, you do." "Your table's right over here." "Wow, Max." "Pretty impressive, having your own waiter." "That's rht, I do have my own waiter." "Is this table all right?" "It's the one that I set up with the tablecloth." "I'm OK here." "No." "Look, you don't have to be nice to him." "He's my waiter." "We'd like to move over there." "She said she was fine here." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Lose the 'tude, waiter dude." "The lady would be more comfortable over there." "Will you excuse me a moment, Jeanette?" " What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "I'm being funny in front of my date like you told me to." "You think ordering me around and treating me like this is funny?" "Yeah, you're pretty mad, so I think it's hilarious." "Jeanette, I am so sorry." "I wonder if our waiter comes with chips, because he is a dip." "Hey, waiter." "Do you think you can handle getting us some water?" "Ah!" "The fizzy type." "Yes." "The lady and I would love the fizzy type." "Is that fizzy enough for you, sir?" "He is so funny." "And cute." "Jeanette, what do you mean by cute?" "Cute like he looks cute?" "Or cute like when I put pretzel sticks up my nose and my mom goes:" ""Cute."" "That sounds funny." "Oh, yeah it is." "Hey, waiter, where are our pretzel sticks?" "You had your chance." "Hey!" "Before you mop that up, let's hear the specials." "For the lady," "I'd recommend losing the boy with the bloody nose in his future and having dinner with someone that can make you laugh, for real." "And for the boy, I'd recommend the dinosaur chicken strips with a side of wet wipes." "I'll go get you a bib and some crayons." "If you stay inside the lines..." "I'll put it on the wall." "Will you excuse me, please?" "Pound for pound, you're a clown." "Back to our date." "Let's get this party started." "Is there something in my nose?" "Oh!" "Uh-oh." "Justin!" "You think this is hilarious, don't you?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "Yeah." "It's pretty funny." "You got me." "Actually, you got yourself." "I did." "Hello?" "Are we having a date or not?" "Relax, we'll get back to the date in a second." "I guess I had it coming to me." "What were you thinking?" "I'm thinking that when I'm mean and insulting that it's funny." "But it might only be me." "Why don't you ask Jeanette?" "Yeah, it's only me." "Man." "That was my first date and I ruined it." "There will be plenty of other dates, and you'll find different ways to ruin those too." "Hey, I started the dino chicken strips." " You did?" "I call the T-rexes." " Of course." "I got another ribbon." "No more for her." "Alex, where were you?" "You missed seeing me get all these ribbons." "Ribbons for what?" "This is only your second meeting." "This one is for coming to a second meeting." "This next award goes to Alex Russo for clapping erasers." "I wasn't clapping erasers." "I was trying to hit the clock to see if I could get it to move forward." "Repairing a stuck clock." "Even better." "Come on up and get your ribbon." "No." "Wait." "You want to give me a ribbon for something I didn't even do?" "You honestly see nothing wrong with that?" "I don't." "It's about time I got some appreciation, Mom." "It's stick it to the Man time." "I'm sorry, Mr. Laritate." "I can't take that ribbon." "I didn't do anything." "And even if I had, I still wouldn't take it." "I'll take it." "Oh!" "Sorry." "I was told I had to join this club or get suspended." "Most of you know me." "That's not a shocker." "You think you're helping the community, but you're hardly doing anything." "And you do it for selfish reasons." "Now, I know I can be a little selfish too, because I don't help a lot of people." "But I know when I do." "I do more than this and I don't expect anything in return." "I don't even do it to make myself feel better." "I do it to make the other person feel better." "Wow." "That was a very moving speech worthy of a ribbon." "No!" "No." "I don't want a ribbon." "It's either the ribbon or suspension." "That's a lovely ribbon." "There you go, Mr. Laritate." "You're going to look great for 60's Day at school." " Thank you, Alex." " Yeah, she's the best." "You know, she really understands flower power." "Flower power?" "I don't get it." "It means you're generous, Alex." "I don't know why you didn't tell me you were a Happy Helper." "Nope, not a Happy Helper." "An unhappy troublemaker who quietly does good without anyone knowing." "I can dig it." "So I'm not suspended?" "Whoa!" "You mean you're the Man?" "And I was gonna give you a candle." "Alex, I'll make you a deal." "I'll suspend the suspension if you'll show more flower power around school." "And I'll try to get the Happy Helpers to start calling your club a posse." "Deal." "But I'm still gonna have to make fun of your outfit." "I would expect nothing less." "Right on." "Oh, yeah!" "I can dig it."