"It's just all so surreal to me, you know?" " I know." " I mean, how am I divorced?" "You are literally the last person who should be going through this." "Watching our boys go through this is... oh, God, it's awful." "You know, I know I'm gonna feel better, like, eventually I'll feel better." " Of course." " Right?" "It's just like..." "I don't know, it's been, like, eight months." " Has it been eight months?" " It's been eight months." " Holy shit." " I just can't shake it off." "I get it, well, you know, anything you need, I'm there for you." "I will, I will pick up the boys, I will come make you dinner," "I will come to your house and just rest your beautiful head against my bosom." "And stroke it in a very maternal, non-sexual way." "Unless, of course, you wanted me to, you know, make it more sexual, I'm open to that," "I don't think it's my thing, but..." "Yeah, I don't think I'm there yet." "You know, I'm there for you no matter what, always, always, always." "Actually, there is one thing you could do for me." "What, what, what, what?" "I would really love it if you could throw me a goddess party." "I would love to throw you..." "a goddess party." "Uh-huh, yes." " Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." " Thank you." "Oh, my gosh, thank you." "What is a goddess party, exactly?" "Well, I'm not totally sure, but from what I can tell, it's when a group of women get together to celebrate and support a fellow lady in need and, and I love Jennifer," "I support her, so if this is the kind of thing that she's looking for right now in her life," "I'm going to do this for her." "You're doing your "I'm sincere" impersonation." "I can be sincere!" "Why is it an impersonation?" " Why is it an impersonation?" " Yeah!" "It's you pretending to be something you're not." "I am sincerely interested in helping my friend." "It doesn't come to you naturally." "I'm not gonna argue with you about that." "Okay." "But when I googled "goddess party" and women in white, frilly dresses and flower crowns and words like "rebirth"" "and "inner light" flying at me, I have a harder time with it." "There may be something, by the way, called "womb dancing"" " that's gonna happen." " What's womb dancing?" "I assume we present our wombs to some sort of goddess and then we have to, like, thrust our wombs at her," " together as a group?" " God." "With the music playing." "I'm getting a drum." "Can't you just tell her you're not the right person for this?" "In all fairness, I am throwing it with her sister, but no, she's my oldest and best friend." "Plus, she is the best person that I know." "She works for a non-profit, she makes people's lives better every day." "We are animals, by the way." " I'm not." " You're an animal." "You're like, you're like a raccoon, you look super-cute." " But inside, you're garbage." " I can get with that." "I'm in charge of buying crystals, so I don't know how this ends." "Godspeed, or, I guess, goddess speed." "Mm-mm." "What is that woman?" "Oh, yeah, I saw her at the school pick-up line," "I think she's one of the kid's nannies." " What?" " Yeah." "Have we learned nothing from "The Sound of Music"?" "What?" "What do you mean?" "You know, "The Sound of Music"." "It's basically the story of a taken man banging a hot nanny." "It's the story of Jude Law but with jaunty nun music." "Oh, my God, I never thought of it that way." " Right?" " Why would you put that in your house?" "Right?" "I mean, I mean, you're a snacker, and I trust you, but I wouldn't put potato chips in front of you." "Even if you weren't hungry, eventually you're gonna snack." "I wouldn't hire young Alan Alda to watch our kid and expect you not to, um, snack." " Alan Alda at any age, to be clear..." " Uh-huh." "And yeah, we don't, because we know our Achilles' heels." "That's just... terrible judgment." "Should I be concerned that my Achilles' heel is potato chips and yours is another man?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Yeah?" "You should be very, very worried." "They didn't have cake, so I got cookies." " Oh, thank you." " Mm-hmm." "Now, obviously, I'm not one usually to judge, but who's insane enough to hire Gigi Hadid as their new nanny?" "Oh, that's Katie, my new nanny." " I'm, I'm sorry... what?" " What?" " Really?" " Do you think she's that pretty?" "I don't think she's that pretty." "Yeah, she's very, very pretty, right?" " Yeah." " Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "What is that face?" "I need help with the baby and she's great with Olive." "Not really worried about how she is with Olive." "I completely trust Ryan." "I'm not saying you shouldn't, but cha-cha, cha-cha, right?" "I'd give her a cha-cha." " A couple cha-cha's." " For sure." "You guys are so dumb, you're so stereotypical." "Yeah, stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason," "Gavin Rossdale, Ethan Hawk." " Ben Affleck." " Oh, yeah, that's a big one." "Okay." "Katie came very highly recommended." "Was it by a penis?" "Was it by a formerly flaccid husband penis that's now found a reason to live again?" "No, by my neighbor." "Oh, by your neighbor's penis." "You should really get the list of all of her penis references." "I'm sure it's a who's who..." "Of penises, obviously." "Uh, yeah, I think I'll take the platter." "Does that serve 15, because I'm throwing a goddess... sorry... party this weekend, it's surprisingly hard to say." "Yeah, no, of course, yeah, I will pick it up Saturday." "Okay, thank you." "Mommy, my movie's over." "Yeah? "Sound of Music" pretty good, right, Bubs?" "Yeah." "Ugh, I always wanted to be a Von Trapp when I was little." "My favorite was Brigitta." "She didn't really have a love of songs, but I thought she embodied kind of like a quiet strength." "Mommy, I have a question." "What is it, Bubs?" "What are Nazis?" "Oh, right, uh, that part of the movie." "Well, you know what, Nazis were some very, very bad people that lived a long time ago." "Why did they want to be bad?" "Uh, well, I don't think all of them necessarily started out wanting to be bad, but they were really following the orders of somebody who was really, really bad." " Why?" " That's actually a good question." "You know Harry Potter?" "So, the Nazis were kind of like the Malfoys, but instead of following Voldemort, they followed this real bad guy named Hitler." "But you said Harry Potter was pretend." "Harry Potter is pretend." " But the Nazis were real?" " Well, yeah, but you know..." " Alicia!" " My baby!" "Hi, Alicia!" "Como esta?" "Muy bien, how are you?" "Good, good, good." "Listen, I'm just running out to get my hair cut, but I'm gonna be back in an hour." "No, no, no." "No, short hair no good on you." "Oh, my God, you are coming in hot today." "I like it, I like it." "It's just a small trim." "See?" "This too short, no good on you." "This hair?" "I like." "Okay, well, while your input on my appearance is always welcome, and also slightly upsetting," "I'm never getting it short like that again." " I mean, that looks horrible." " Mm-hmm." "Listen, Bubs, I will back in a little bit, then we'll head over to Olive's, okay?" " Okay." " Aren't you going to put on lipstick?" "Oh, my God, I'm gonna go." "See, no lipstick..." "Lipstick..." "Oh, well, everyone's looking for..." "so, great." "Ah, I'll be back." "Oh, hey, good morning." " Hi, how are ya?" " Good." "Man, it is chilly out here today." "Yeah, it's that time of year." "And you're wearing shorts?" "Aren't you freezing?" "Oh, no, I don't mind it." "Well, have a good day." "Stay warm." " Yeah, you too." " Bye." "Bye-bye." "I'm throwing a goddess party this weekend." "What?" " What?" " No, you twisted the end." "It's impossible to say without sounding insane, trust me." " Let me try, let me try." " All right." "I'm throwing a goddess party this weekend." "Just dead-eye." "Yeah, and like a Katherine Hepburn neck..." "Palsy, a little palsy." "You just gotta throw it away, you just gotta be like..." "What?" "I'm throwing a goddess party this weekend." " Ooh." " That's a normal thing people say." "Stop, just stop." "Why are you even doing this?" "Because she's my oldest friend, and I'm gonna do it even though I'd rather be punched in the throat with the backside of a hammer." "I think it sounds kind of nice." "What are you saying right now?" "I mean it." "The term "goddess party" alone, they need..." " It's horrible." " They need PR." "I mean, why do we need to celebrate as a group?" "It's a feminine spirit." "We're celebrating womanhood." "Everything that you just said supports the reason that I'm hating what's happening." "It's sounded like a feminine hygiene commercial to me..." " Oh..." " when she just said that." "Celebrate womanhood... spray it down." " Spray it down?" " Now with, now with wings!" "I went to a Wiccan party once." "I had a vision and then me and this girl made out." "By the way, you can just say I went to a Wiccan party and then we know how the story is gonna end." " Oh, yeah." " Yeah." "Hey, Jocelyn, I'm gonna take off." "Do you need anything before I go?" "No, I'm good, thanks." " Bye, Katie." " Bye, Katie." "Listen, hey, I've got that divorce lawyer's number that you wanted." "What?" "The one that you'll want in, like, two months." "Gwen Stefani." " I'm sorry you had to deal with that." " Thank you." "Everything's gonna be just fine..." "Jennifer Garner." " Katie is great." " She seems great." " And Ryan is not interested." " Oh, well, I don't know about that." "You guys are so dumb." "She's not even straight." " Oh..." " Oh." "So, now you brought a hot, lesbian nanny into your home?" "Well, that makes sense, that makes sense, 'cause, you know, that's probably only 65% of the porn made in America..." "Hold on, I'm getting new numbers." "It's 73%." " Ooh, they went up." " 73%." "The numbers just came in." "You know what, you guys, come on." "Okay, how did Ryan react when he got that news?" "He was fine with it." "He just mumbled, "Whatever,"" "something like that." "Well, to be fair, it is hard to form a sentence while getting a huge erection in your pants." "It's difficult for a man to do two things at..." " once." " Ooh, did it just go up, like that?" "Yeah, I just erected." " Ooh." "That was nice." "Big face for it." " Mmm, thank you." "It wasn't a compliment." "It wasn't a compliment." " I took it as one." " Okay, fine." "Mommy, can I have some water?" "You got your water right over there, lovey." "I, I really have to go potty." "You just went potty." "There's nothing left in there." "Can I have a story?" "What's happening here?" "What's going on?" " I'm scared." " What are you scared of, lovey?" "Nazis." "Oh, well..." "Daddy and I would never let a Nazi even come in this house, because this is a Nazi-free zone." "There's nothing to be afraid of with Nazis, and they were bad, bad people, but it was a long time ago, and..." "You know, there were some things... that weren't totally terrible, like, they had some songs and, and some people were impressed with some of their marching formations, so, you know, everything's not always totally bad." "So, maybe even if a Nazi was here, he would be one of the... the good Nazis who came by the house." " Well, I finally got her down." " What's going on with her?" "The last few days she's been scared of everything." "She's even been making me go to the bathroom with her." "It might be my fault." "I... you know how much she loves Harry Potter, right?" "I told you, those books, they're too scary for her." "Mike, I read her one book, she loved it, she was not remotely scared because I explained to her that Harry Potter was pretend." " Okay." " But then, she started asking all these questions about Nazis..." "Nazis?" "Why did she know about Nazis?" "We watched "The Sound of Music" and the last third of the movie..." "Right, I forgot there was Nazis in that." "So I said that the Nazis were like the Malfoys and the Death Eaters and that Hitler was like Voldemort but real." "So I think we both see where I may have went off the rails here." "Jesus." "Well, can't we just tell her Nazis are pretend?" "Yeah, I'm not sure that I'm ready for our daughter to become a Holocaust denier so young." "I think that's more like pre-teen." " Right, good point." " Yeah." "I talked to her, I told her it was a long, long time ago," "I sang some "Edelweiss"." ""Edelweiss"... the song they sing while they're being hunted by Nazis." "Why do we show "The Sound of Music" to our kids?" " Because the songs fool ya." " Yeah, that should be a Nazi song," ""The song fools ya, and we're gonna kill the fuck out of you."" "Yep." " Oh, wow, look at that." " May I help you?" "Uh, hi, yes, I hope so." "I am... throwing an event to celebrate women..." "or, one woman..." " That's beautiful." " Yeah, um, I guess sometimes it's a godd..." "it's a party for a goddess, one of those, you know." " A goddess party." " Yes!" "Is it a pre-natal goddess party, gratitude, divorce goddess?" "Divorce!" "That's the one, that's the party." "I mean, obviously not a festive party." "Although, you know what, I don't know," "I was told there might be dancing." " Let me show you our healing crystals." " Oh, thank you." "For a divorce, rose quartz is really what you're looking for." "Great, well, I need 15 of them." "How much do they run?" "These are eight dollars each." "Oh, wow." "Um..." "A lot of these say two dollars." "What are they in charge of healing?" "The lapis lazuli is great for the immune system." "This one here is fantastic for healing," "I actually gave that one to my mom when she was in the hospital." "Oh, good, and that worked out for her?" "The citrine is great for digestion." "That's always helpful for someone." "The moonstone is fantastic for synchronizing cycles and just general lunar rhythms." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay, great." "So it sounds like you're saying all of these are very helpful." "Oh, absolutely." "Any of these in conjunction with the rose quartz would be invaluable to your friend." "Oh, sorry, I was thinking instead of the rose quartz." "It's just eight dollars is a lot of money for a stone..." "They're crystals." "We do have stones, but these are crystals." "A couple of those say stones, "moonstone"." "But again, I was thinking of leaning into a less expensive form of healing." "Whatever you feel comfortable with." "You know what, I am gonna go with the less expensive, but still very helpful citrine." "Great, so you said you needed 15?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, fuck you, I'll get the rose quartz." "I mean, obviously not fuck you." "Fuck the universe, fuck you!" "I'll wrap it up for you." "Great." "What happened to your hair dryer?" "Oh, thank you for asking." "I'm going for a more natural look." "I'm heading to a celebration of women." "Mmm, I like it better when you try." "Well, thank you for your fearless feedback, Alicia." "Always appreciate it." " Oh, you know who is very pretty?" " No, who is very pretty?" "Jocelyn's new nanny." "Oh, my God, I know, right?" "I saw her at the pick-up." "Que Bonita, ay!" "Que Bonita!" "I know, she is a hot-to-tots." "I thought you were pretty." " I mean, not now." " Oh." "You're nothing compared to that one." "You know, you could have just said that she is pretty." "You don't even have to involve me in that same sentence." "Jocelyn should watch out for her husband." "I told her that." "Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, you should watch out for Mike and me." "Okay, Alicia, no, no, hands off!" "I don't know." "No promises." " Alicia, stay away, you whore!" " I don't charge." " Hi, Alicia." " Hi, Mikey..." ""Mikey"?" "No, no." "Look away, eyes up here." " Stay over... no!" " What about some salsa, Mikey?" " Don't look at those hips, Mikey?" " Huh?" "Huh?" " These are the hips." " Wild, Mikey, it is gonna be wild." " No, stop looking at those hips!" " What's going on?" " Listen, I can do that." "Right?" " I'm out of here." "I can do this!" "Mikey!" "Ay!" "Ay, people don't want to see that." "People don't want to see this?" " Oh!" " Alicia..." "Are you still there?" "No, I'm gone." "I love you!" "I see you wore jeans..." "everyone wore jeans, so now I'm the asshole in goddess white." "I'm telling you, Google Image really let me down." "I think you look nice." "Thank you, but if you knew me, you'd be like, what is happening right now?" "Why does her hair look like this?" "Why is she in a shift?" " Andrea, I think we should start." " Yes, definitely, let's do it!" "Thank you guys again so much for doing this." " Of course." " I'm so excited!" " I'll see you out there." " All right, I'll see you out there." "I got the rose quartz, I got the good ones." "I don't know, should I just grab a bowl and throw 'em in there?" "No, we just have everyone take one, infuse it with their positive energy, and then give it to Jennifer so she can always have them." "That sounds great." "Let's do that." "Okay..." "So, I know it's a little corny, but maybe let's all start the night holding hands and a group "ohm" to get in the right head space." "Okay." "Let me know if I squeeze too hard," "I don't know how exciting this is going to get." "And here we go." "Ohm..." "Jennifer, your friends are gathered here today to show you love and support, and everyone has something to say to you." "Andrea?" "Why don't you start?" "Great, I'd love to start." " Should I stand?" " Whatever you're comfortable with." "I think I'm gonna sit." "Oh, everyone stopped holding hands." "Sorry." "I'm not... coming on to you, obviously." "Um, so, I actually wrote a private letter that I want to give you later, but for now, um..." "Sorry." "Um..." "But for now, um, I love you and you, um... rock." "Whoo, there we go, rock." "And... so this is for you." "I'm just gonna throw it in the..." "oh, shit, I forgot to infuse it." "So much love, and..." "Thank you." "And you never know why something happens, so I can't wait for the day when you realize you are stronger because of this and not in spite of this." " I love you." " I love you too." "Jennifer, this book gave me so much hope." "This is my copy and I don't even know why I held onto it, but now I know it was meant for you." "Oh... thank you." "Jennifer, you are one of the most unbelievable women I know, and I know that you'll get out of this and you're going to be stronger than ever before." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Lisa, you want to go next?" "Sure." "Jennifer..." "There's a lot that I want to say to you." "I'm so sorry." "I don't mean to interrupt." "Can I just quickly go again?" "Of course." "Sorry..." "I, I, I, I totally get before, the first time, what we were doing." "But I think this time I'm gonna stand." "Um, I just want to say, Jennifer, that you are an invaluable part of my life." "And any time I've gone through anything hard... you have been there for me every step of the way, and that's not something that I take lightly." "I think we can all agree that we need to get rid of the "goddess party" name because that's kind of a shit show..." "I mean, keep the "goddess party," lose the "ohm," anyway..." " I love you." " I love you too." "I'm very happy I went with the rose quartz." "It was lovely, I have to say it was honestly lovelier than anything I ever attended, including our wedding." "So are you going to start wearing flower crowns now?" "I can't tell if you mean that as a positive or a negative." "But it wasn't like that, it was like super touchy feely, it was like the perfect amount of touching." " I'm listening." " Listening to what?" "You think we were just going around touching our vaginas?" "Were you?" "Well, I don't know, I might have just tickled a couple." "But no, it wasn't, it was, it was beautiful." "It was all of her friends and they were supporting her and saying lovely things, and it was kind of like it was a funeral, but she didn't have to die and hear and the good stuff." " That is nice." " I'm gonna be honest," " now I kinda want a goddess party." " I'll throw you a goddess party." "Of course you can say that with a straight face." "Oh, shit, I forgot almost to give you... this." " What is this?" " It's a healing crystal." "I've infused it with an energy for you." "See if it makes you feel any different." "Mmm..." "It makes me want to touch your boobs." " Okay." " What?" " Touch my boobs." " Wait." "Why?" " Just do it." " I don't want to now." " Don't you, though?" " No." "I feel like I'm being tricked." "You're the one who came up with it, how could I be tricking you?" " Okay." " All right." "I knew it was trick." "You didn't, because you still touched them." " Why do you need to ruin all the fun?" " You don't think this is fun?" " Mm-mm." " Yes, you do think it's fun." "Mommy?" "Bubsy, what happened?" "Why are you out of bed?" "I'm scared." "I think Hitler's in my closet." "Aw, come here, I promise you, Hitler is not in your closet." " But you know what?" " What?" "I actually got something for you today that I wanted to give you, so I'm kind of happy you're awake." "I know, um, how important magic is to you, so today I went to a real magic store and I got you this special stone." "Ooh, you gotta be careful with it, okay?" "'Cause it's really powerful, all right?" "You hold it and it protects you from anything bad." "It's kind of like the Sorcerer's Stone." " Do you feel its power?" " Yeah." "Yeah, well, do you want me to help tuck you back into bed?" " No, I think I am okay." " Whoa, okay." "I love you, Smooch." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice you there, witnessing me winning Mom of the Year." "Hmm." "I was so focused, you know." "Oh you mean when you fixed a problem that you caused in the first place when you showed our five-year-old Voldemort and Nazis?" "Yeah, and then I navigated it perfectly." "Hey, in Harry Potter, wasn't the Sorcerer's Stone used to bring Voldemort back from the dead, not to protect Harry?" "Oh fuck you, J.K. Rowling." "Go back to the cafe." "Write a couple of new notes." "I'm just kidding, I do love that goddamn book." "Oh, hey, is that your mom?" "No, that's Dorothy, my new nanny." " Gotta go." " Oh, no, no, no, no." "See, I knew I was right." "You cannot tempt a man like that." "Okay, you know what, you want to know the truth?" " Yeah." " Ryan was fine with her." " Really?" " Yeah." " But that hair, that skin..." " Oh, boy." "Her neck was so long and thin like it was waiting to be kissed." "Wow!" "Maybe the Wiccan thing wasn't a one-off." " It has brought up a lot of questions." " Yeah." "I had to get her out of the house." "Obviously, yeah..." "That was your only move." "By the way, I was similarly aroused by her." " Yeah." " I think..." "I don't even think it's a lesbian thing," "I think it's just a human thing, when you see something of that kind of pure beauty, there's just an arousal, your mucus membranes act up." " Okay." " Your lower mucus membranes..." " Okay." " Not here." " Can I get out?" " Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry."