"[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]" "¶LadyGodiva Was a freedom rider ¶" "¶Woo-hoo-hoo¶ ¶ She didn't care ¶" "¶Ifthewholeworldlooked¶" "¶Joanof ArcwiththeLord To guide her ¶" "¶Woo-hoo-hoo¶" "¶Shewasasister Who really cooked ¶" "¶Isadorawasthe first Bra burner ¶" "¶Ain'tyouglad She showed up?" "¶" "¶Oh,yeah¶" "¶Andwhenthe country Was falling' apart ¶" "¶BetsyRoss Got it all sewed up ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthenthere's...¶" "¶Thatuncompromisin' Enterprisin' ¶" "¶Anythingbuttranquilizin' Right on, Maude!" "¶" "¶ Zip-a-dee doo-dah... ¶" "CAROL:" "It's none of your business." "MAUDE:" "What do you mean, none of my business?" "¶ My, oh, my What a wonderful day ¶" "[MAUDE AND CAROL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]" "[LOUDER] ¶ Plenty of sunshine Goin' my way ¶" "¶ Zip-a-dee doo-dah ¶" "¶ Zip-a-dee-ay ¶ [ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]" "¶ Mr. Bluebird's... ¶" "Florida, please, please, will you stop singing?" "As soon as you stop yellin'." "I'm gettin' tired of explaining' you to the other maids in the neighborhood." "Florida, there may be maids working in the neighborhood, but you are a housekeeper." "Well, thank you, ma'am, but like the man said," ""A maid by any name gets paid the same."" "And now if you all will excuse me," "I'll go and empty the garbage." "Look, Mother, you have no reason to be this upset." "You are going out with a 60-year-old man, and I have no reason to be upset?" "If I didn't need this for the potatoes," "I'd use it on my wrists." "Russell Asher is not 60 years old." "He isn't any older than you are." "That's a terrible thing to say." "When Russell Asher was seducing his first maiden," "I was still kicking rattles out of my crib." "Oh, Mom, will you stop exaggerating." "I am not exaggerating." "Carol, let me put it this way." "Your father has been buried for 22 years." "He is still six years younger than Russell Asher." "He's gonna be here any minute." "I still have pin curls in my hair." "Well, at his age, he won't even see them." "I can't even talk to you." "Look, Carol, wait a minute." "Carol, if you saw nothing wrong in it, then why have you been sneaking around with Russell and not telling me?" "Because I knew you'd react exactly like you're reacting." "Totally irrational." "I am not irrational." "Carol, I am worried." "I don't want to see you hurt." "Maude, please, spare me the concerned-mother routine." "I know what's bothering you as well as you do." "You can't stand the idea of my dating a man that you used to date." "Carol, as God is my judge, that is only part of the reason." "Oh, Florida, Florida, please, talk to her." "She's going out with an older ma" "Correction." "An old man." "Now, if she were your daughter" "You'd see nothing wrong with it would you, Florida?" "Tell her, Florida." "¶ Florida ¶" "Passes." "Florida, would you mind straightening up my bathroom?" "I'm afraid I left it in a real mess." "Sure, honey, I'll get at it right away." "Thanks." "Now, Mother, forget about it." "Look, Carol, we are not finished talking." "Carol, I want you to give me one good reason for dating a 64-year-old man." "Maude!" "One good reason." "He's a world-famous writer." "He's charming, he's wealthy, he's good-looking, and he treats me like a queen." "That's no reason." "Oh, honey, listen, I know the man." "His only love is Russell Asher." "Believe me, honey, he'll break your heart." "How's he gonna break my heart?" "What are you talking about?" "You are 27." "He is 68." "Now, I think it's obscene, perverse and" "And disgusting." "If it's playing in the neighborhood, let's go see it." "Walter, listen to this." "Carol is going out with a 70-year-old man." "He is not 70 years old." "Mother, you can age a man faster than any woman I know." "I'll drink to that." "God'll get you for that, Walter." "Oh, look, honey." "Listen, Carol, don't you realize that Russell Asher is using you?" "He's going through his change of life." "His what?" "You heard me, Walter." "Men have menopause too." "They just haven't had the bad press we women have had." "Carol, honey, don't you know, when a man goes through change of life, he has to rush right out and prove that he's still young and virile." "I see." "So I'm Russell's hormone shot?" "I couldn't have put it better if I were Masters and Johnson." "Carol, who is this Civil War veteran, anyway?" "His name is Russell Asher, and if you'll excuse me," "I don't wanna keep him waiting." "We're taking a helicopter into town tonight so he can plug his new book on The Tonight Show." "Maude, that's the author you dated before you met me." "Well, well, well." "Now you see why she's on my back, Walter?" "Carol, I'm only trying to help you." "Russell Asher stings, Carol, like a bee." "A son of a B." "Russell Asher." "Let's see." "You went with him for about two months after you divorced Albert." "Uh-uh." "After you divorced Barney?" "No, I buried Barney." "Well, that leaves, uh, what's-his-name." "It began with a C..." "Anyway, I was seeing him right before I met you." "That's right." "He was writing his second book:" "Purgatory,USA." "That's right." "There were four altogether." "Purgatory,USA,uh ," "Hell'sHighway, Heaven's Ghetto and Ash Can of the Western World." "All based on his childhood in Bangor, Maine." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "CAROL:" "Mother, that's him!" "You be nice, now." "I'll be nice." "So help me, Walter, if he comes in singing" ""Thank Heaven for Little Girls..."" "Russell, let's get one thing straight." "You and Carol are adults." "What you do is your own business." "Except that I believe more in leprosy than I do May-and-December relationships." "Hello and welcome to my home." "[FOREIGN ACCENT] Maude, you haven't changed a bit." "After all these years I have to pinch myself to believe it." "Don't pinch too hard, Russell." "At your age, blood clots very fast." "Same sense of humor too, but you look absolutely beautiful." "Well, thank you, Russell." "You look shorter." "Have you gotten shorter?" "No, still 6-foot-4." "And still unable to believe an insult." "Walter, I'd like you to meet one of the great face-lifts of our time." "Russell, my husband Walter Findlay." "Hello." "Oh, uh, I've always wanted to meet a famous author." "Well, now you have." "Isn't he wonderful?" "Russell, tell Walter how you cultivated that phony continental accent." "Oh, no, it's not phony anymore." "It's part of me now." "Isn't he wonderful?" "I'd do anything to have you bronzed." "Or pickled." "To preserve me?" "[CHUCKLES]" "What a darling compliment." "And speaking of darlings." "¶ Thank heaven For little girls ¶" "Carol, you look exquisite." "You put the rest of nature to shame." "I think I'm losing my lunch." "Thank you, Russell." "Excuse me while I say good night to Phillip." "By all means." "How 'bout a drink, Russell?" "I've got some 12-year-old stuff you might like." "Whatever, Walter." "No, I think his taste goes more to 27-year-old stuff." "Although he might like 12-year-old stuff too." "Walter, talk to him about Carol." "Save her." "Save her." "Here's your drink, Russell." "Thank you." "Make yourself at home." "You know that, uh, outfit, I like it." "It's different." "Oh, thank you, Walter." "I do believe clothes should express a point of view." "For example, wearing this one for the Johnny Carson show, it says," ""Male, dominating, but not domineering." "Authoritative yet understated."" "You see what I mean?" "Imagine, you can say all that with a lousy pair of pants and a jacket." "Well, it's all a question of attitude towards oneself." "And my attitude is-- Self-worship." "You know, Russell, if you loved yourself any more, you'd be a married couple." "Look, why don't we get right down to what's really on our minds?" "You and Carol." "Maude..." "This time I'm serious." "Really serious." "You know, Russell, I have this problem." "I don't know whether to laugh or cry." "Or kill." "Maude, I didn't ask for this to happen." "When I came back from Europe" "I called you for old times' sakes." "You and Walter were away for the weekend, and I talked to Carol." "I was asking her out before I knew it." "If he called in the daytime, he'd be going out with Florida now." "CAROL:" "Okay, Russell, I'm ready." "Walter, it was a pleasure." "Russell." "As for you, Maude," "I was absolutely overjoyed." "Oh, that's where the joy was." "You had it." "Russell, don't they tape the Carson show early and then show it later on?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I'm sure you'd wanna see yourself on television, so why don't we expect you at 11:30, and we'll all watch it together?" "Mother, Russell's already made plans for us to watch it from his place in New York." "Look, why don't we take it as it comes?" "If we can, Carol and I will see you at 11:30." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Oh, Walter, the man's no good." "He'll tear her to tatters." "Oh, God, how I wish I smoked." "Maude, stop it." "You're acting like Bette Davis on a bad day." "But what if they don't come back here at 11:30?" "What if they watch the show from his place?" "And what if they do?" "Walter, in what room do you and I and every other couple in America watch the Johnny Carson show?" "Florida!" "We'll have our dinner now." "Maude, Carol's a big girl." "Now, come on." "What's really bugging you about this guy?" "All right, Walter, I'll tell ya." "I'm really troubled about Carol." "Russell Asher is a lady-killer." "He goes through women the way you go through summer underwear." "Believe me, I know." "In other words, he jilted you." "That's a very dated word, Walter." "But still..." "He jilted me." "And if Carol's not careful, the same thing's going to happen to her." "She's only had a couple of dates with the guy." "Maybe she'll never even get serious about him." "Maybe you're right." "And maybe we'll find that out when she brings him back at 11:30." "Miss Carol ain't bringing' nobody back at 11:30, Mrs. Findlay." "Not tonight, anyway." "Well, how do you know?" "'Cause I just tidied her bathroom, and the little devil..." "She took her toothbrush with her." "Good morning." "Morning, honey." "You didn't come to bed last night, did you?" "Nope." "Did Carol ever get home?" "Yep." "Six minutes after 4, this morning." "Well, at least she didn't spend all night with him." "Walter, Rome was sacked in less than three hours." "Did you speak with her?" "Did she use her toothbrush?" "Walter, how could I ask her a question like that?" "She told me to mind my own business." "Maude, can I have a couple of eggs instead of cereal?" "No, you had eggs yesterday." "You know how high in cholesterol they are." "They're high in good taste too, which is more than I can say for this goop." "Honey, I'd rather have you alive with a belly full of goop than dead with eggs in your veins." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Russell, this is the third time you've called this morning." "No, she isn't down yet." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Uh, hold on." "Just a minute." "I'll get it." "Stay where you are." "The longer he waits, the older he gets." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Coming!" "Carol!" "You'll be late for work." "[QUIETLY] And Russell's on the phone." "Flowers for Carol, uh" "I knew it." "I knew it." "You knew I was gonna be delivering' flowers today?" "No, I knew something else." "Like what?" "What are you?" "A delivery man or a relative?" "Here, and thanks for your trouble." "Fifty cents?" "Some thanks." "Wait a minute, you don't like it?" "Let me see it." "I like it." "I'll tell you what, since you don't like it and I do, why don't I just keep it?" "Carol?" "I'll tell him to call you back later." "From Bangor." "Maude, I don't understand it." "My grandpa, that had bacon and eggs every morning of his life, and he lived till he was 96." "Sure." "But that was before they learned about cholesterol." "Hello, Russell?" "No, she's not downstairs yet." "And she hasn't picked up the extension." "All right, if you insist." "Walter, you know what's in here?" "A single rose." "That's what Russell always does." "The morning after, he always sends a single, perfect rose." "Wait a minute, Maude." "That's for Carol." "Well, it's not like I'm opening her mail." "I hate him." "No, I really hate him." "Well, what did he do now?" "He sent 24 perfect roses." "Hello, Russell?" "Listen, you're tying up the phone, and I'm expecting a call from Lord-knows-who." "All right, I'll tell her." "Goodbye." "Walter, I am going to put a stop to this now." "Now, look, Maude, if you break this up," "Carol's gonna think you're an overprotective, interfering mother." "You want that?" "It's a hazard of the trade, Walter." "I didn't interfere when she eloped with Pete, and it ended in divorce." "I've never forgiven myself." "Then why didn't you interfere?" "I was in Reno at the time, divorcing Albert." "Morning, everybody." "Morning." "Carol, I wanna talk to you." "Mother, I've gotta get dressed." "I don't wanna be late for work." "Carol, Russell sent you these flowers." "Mother, I don't have time." "Carol!" "Carol, I said Russell sent you flowers." "Oh, now, look, honey..." "I know you're gonna tell me again to mind my own business, but look at it this way:" "God couldn't be everywhere." "That's why he invented mothers." "Honey, I know what Russell Asher does to women." "You have to stop seeing him." "Okay." "Carol, don't do this to me!" "I have just made an impassioned plea!" "And I said okay." "Something happened last night." "What'd he do to you?" "Carol, I'll kill him." "I'll kill him!" "Mother, it's all right." "You went to his place to watch the show, right?" "He didn't get on till quarter to 1." "And don't tell me that you watched Virginia Graham and those two midgets from Austria for an hour and 15 minutes." "Maude, I've got to get dressed." "He brought out champagne, didn't he?" "Yes." "Piper-Heidseick, 1961?" "Yes, I think so." "Yeah, and then he did 10 minutes wrestling the cork between his knees?" "Oh, Mother." "The lights were dim, Carol, and it was very romantic?" "No, it was not romantic." "He called me "Maude."" "He called her "Maude."" "Maude, are you all right?" "Oh, Walter, Carol and Russell are not seeing each other anymore." "He called her "Maude."" "Is that why you seem so pleased?" "He called her "Maude"?" "Walter, I'm pleased that she's not seeing him anymore." "It has nothing to do with that." "It doesn't, huh?" "This guy goofs in an intimate moment and calls her "Maude."" "Now, I didn't say it was an intimate moment, Walter." "Okay." "They were plucking chickens at 3 in the morning, and he called her "Maude."" "Walter, you are jealous." "Don't be silly." "You are jealous." "I have had it up to here with Russell Asher." "The poor soul." "He doesn't realize that he's only hungering for my daughter because of his latent feelings for me." "He called her "Maude."" "I don't believe it." "Last night you were Bette Davis." "This morning, Joan Crawford." "Walter, jealousy is not the answer." "It's a tragic situation for a man who's almost 50 years old." "It's tragic." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Maude, I couldn't wait any longer." "I had to see Carol." "Russell..." "Dear, Russell." "I'm in that much trouble, huh?" "Russell, please come in." "I wanna to talk to you." "Would you like some coffee?" "No, no, no, no." "I'm in no mood for coffee." "Juice?" "Fresh juice?" "Can I squeeze you an orange?" "Maude, I want to see Carol." "Russell, we got your flowers, and we love them." "But, Russell, Carol no longer wishes to see you." "Maude, if you can arrange for me to have five minutes alone with your daughter, everything will be fine." "Listen to me, Russell." "When I was a little girl, there was a song." "I forget where I heard it, but it's always stayed in my mind." "It went..." "'Tisgoodto be merry And wise" "'Tisgoodto be honest And true" "'Tiswellto be off With the old love" "Beforeyougo on  With the new" "There's also "The Star-Spangled Banner"" "if anyone feels like standing." "Look, Maude, I have to sign autographs in four different bookstores today." "Will you please tell Carol I'm here?" "CAROL:" "Mother, I'm leaving." "Oh, Carol, listen." "About last night" "I don't wanna talk about last night." "But I do." "Look, Russell, I don't wanna see you again." "That's all there is to it." "I have to explain to you why I called you "Maude."" "Remember when you said I was embarrassing on the show?" "You were embarrassing." "Comparing yourself to Hemingway?" "Why not?" "I am as good as Hemingway." "You know how many paperbacks I sold in the last four years?" "Six million in 42 languages including Swahili." "And who cares?" "You've got an ego that flows like Niagara Falls." "There, that's it." "That's just the kind of thing your mother would say, and you said it right in the middle of our fight." "That's why I called you Maude." "I'm not angry because you called me "Maude."" "I just don't wanna see you again." "They were fighting when he called her Maude." "What does that mean?" "Everything you say, I was just mortified." "I don't wanna hear any more." "They were fighting when he called her "Maude."" "What did you say, Mother?" "Uh, nothing." "What did you think was going on when he called me "Maude"?" "Nothing, Carol." "I was just surprised that you were fighting, that's all." "Mother..." "Did you think that Russell and I were--?" "You actually thought Russell and I w--?" "When he called me "Maude"?" "That's a riot." "Carol, a chuckle, perhaps." "Hardly a riot." "Now, listen, both of you." "I just wanted you to understand that Carol criticized me last night in the same way you criticized me years ago, Maude, which is why we broke up." "Broke up, my foot." "You walked out on me." "He did what to you?" "Carol." "Quiet." "Maude!" "Quiet!" "He walked out on me, Carol." "And I wanted to keep him from doing the same thing to you." "But it wouldn't." "How can you hold against me something that happened years ago with your mother?" "Oh, I'm not, Russell, believe me." "The only thing I'm holding against you is that you're a conceited, pompous bore." "Carol, can I add something to that?" "Boring, boring, boring bore!" "I am boring?" "Out!" "Russell, you've been rejected." "Now, I know it's a blow to your pride." "But I don't want you to take it personally." "On second thought, Russell, please take it personally." "The worst nose job I've ever seen." "Good morning, honey." "Good morning, Mother." "He was supposed to meet me at the lake in Central Park." "I sat in a rowboat thinking that Russell was gonna to bring me a ring." "Oh." "I waited, and I waited, and I waited." "Even the ducks went home." "Maude..." "Maude, I want to apologize." "What for, Walter?" "Well, I" " I shouldn't have gotten mad before." ""Mad," my little euphemism for jealous." "Oh, honey, don't worry about it." "After all, he did call her "Maude,"" "and you had every right to be a little jealous." "I better get to work." "Mother..." "Walter thinks Russell called me "Maude" in a romantic moment." "Why didn't you tell him the truth?" "I think every marriage should have a little mystery in it." "¶ A woman's a two-face A worrisome... ¶" "WALTER:" "Maude, come on!" "MAUDE:" "Don't you run away from me, Walter Findlay." "Walter Findlay, you come right back here!" "Will you forget it?" "Forget it?" "Forget it?" "How can a woman forget a thing like that?" "What's going on?" "It's 2:00 in the morning!" "Nothing to speak of." "Well, I can speak of it." "It was contemptible!" "It was outrageous!" "It was" " It was" "It was degrading!" "What did he do?" "He called me "Sylvia"!" "I was kidding, Maude." "You were kidding?" "[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]" "[¶¶¶]" "¶Oh,yeah¶" "ANNOUNCER:" "Maude was recorded on tape before a live audience." "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere's...¶" "¶Righton ,Maude!" "¶"