"Prisoners." "From time to time as Kommandant of Stalag 13, out of my own free will," "I bring you news of the war of which you are no longer a part." "( muttering )" "Things continue to go well for the all-victorious Third Reich." "( groaning and muttering )" "Yes, I know, you would wish it otherwise, but it is necessary for you to look at the facts." "New and powerful weapons continue to pour from our factories." "I have just returned from a nearby Panzer division completely equipped with the new and secret Tiger tanks, which will crush all resistance like eggshells." "( muttering )" "The Allies would love to get their hands on one, believe me." "However, you as prisoners must look upon this new weapon of the invincible Third Reich as another guarantee that soon the war will be over." "Dismissed." "( groaning )" "Colonel Klink." "Yes, Colonel Hogan?" "Uh, this Panzer division with the new Tiger tanks, aren't they just west of here?" "North." "Uh, what's that to you?" "Just asking." "Steal a German tank?" "We'll give it back." "After we take it apart and make blueprints of it." "Well, how do we get a hold of it." "How do we get it in here?" "Where are we going to hide a tank?" "Where do we take it apart?" "Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right?" "The rest is detail." "( chattering )" "( hammering and sawing )" "Guard coming." "Okay, fellas, knock it off." "Get that ladder out of here, huh?" "As you were, it's only Schultz." "Okay, get back to work." "Make it fast, not much time." "What?" "What is?" "What?" "What?" "What's this?" "What?" "What is what?" "Remodeling, Schultz." "We're going to take out that wall and put in a picture window." "That'll give us a sweeping vista to the delousing station." "Then we're going to replace this stuff with some Danish modern." "What would you think of Provincial?" "Please, Colonel Hogan!" "Schultz, how else do we get the tank in?" "Uh, the tank?" "Tank?" "Tank?" "Tank?" "So we can take it apart." "Oh, no." "I don't see anything." "I hear nothing, nothing." "Sergeant!" "What is Ihr Namen?" "Schultz, Herr Leutnant." "I have uncovered a plot to..." "And that is why you hear nothing and you see nothing?" "Herr Leutnant, this is a speech problem." "I sometimes speak." "I say things I do not know what I say." "He's right, Lieutenant Newkirk." "I urge leniency for this man on the grounds of general incompetence." "That's right, Herr Leutnant Newkirk." "Why sometimes my wife even says..." "Newkirk?" "How'd you like me accent?" "It was great." "LeBeau, you want to put some padding in those shoulders there, please?" "Right, sir." "NEWKIRK:" "All right." "What a relief." "If the Gestapo would uncover what's going on around here..." "Colonel Hogan?" "Hmm?" "What is he doing in the uniform?" "Colonel Hogan, please!" "Oh, you went too far." "I must report this." "It would be worth my life if I do not report this." "It's only until tomorrow, and then he's going to take it off again." "Ah..." "After he steals the tank." "Oh!" "From the Panzer division." "Oh!" "And brings it here into the barracks." "Oh!" "I see nothing." "I was not here." "I did not even get up this morning!" "Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan is here." "Very good taste you have in furnishings, sir." "Yes, yes, yes." "What is it, Colonel Hogan?" "I'm very busy." "Paperwork from Berlin." "No one has any idea." "Oh, I sympathize." "However, I must protest as a violation of the Geneva Convention, the private interrogation of my men by a Gestapo officer." "Nonsense!" "There's no Gestapo officer here." "Dismissed." "Most likely an impostor." "A Gestapo officer here?" "What is he asking about?" "Nothing important." "Just wanted to know if we ever heard you say anything about..." "the usual Gestapo stuff." "About what?" "About what?" "I'm completely loyal." "They know that in Berlin." "Oh, sure, but you know how they are." "What did your men tell him?" "Did they tell him the truth?" "( knocking at door )" "I cannot be disturbed!" "What did they tell him?" "( knocking )" "Come in." "Langenscheidt, are you hard of hearing, or do you need a trip to the front to sharpen your senses?" "The main gate is calling, begging the Kommandant's pardon." "A Gestapo Leutnant is there." "Tell him nothing!" "What does he want?" "To leave, Herr Kommandant." "He has a pass, but they have no record of him entering." "What do I care?" "If he wants out, let him out." "The sooner the better." "Dummkopf." "Yes, Herr Kommandant." "Certainly, Herr Kommandant." "Right away, Herr Kommandant." "Nasty lot, that Himmler crowd." "Newkirk then enters with the Tiger tank to here." "LeBeau, you go through the fence here to rendezvous with the agent, who will later carry out the blueprints, rendezvous point being up here." "Usual procedure, Colonel?" "Usual procedure." "You change clothes with the agent, who then, posing as you, will be captured by the guards." "Incidentally, Kinch has made radio contact with the people sending the agent." "Code name Tiger." "Part of Operation Tiger." "HOGAN:" "Right." "35 seconds after Newkirk enters, the alarm will be sounded for your escape, LeBeau, and under cover of the search," "Newkirk will bring the tank around to here." "( bell ringing )" "Roll call, Colonel." "31 seconds early." "Why can't these Germans learn to be methodical?" "All right, let's go." "SCHULTZ:" "Raus!" "Everybody raus." "Roll call, everybody raus, raus, raus, raus, raus." "Mach schnell." "Everybody raus." "Mach schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, shnell." "Everybody raus." "Everybody raus." "Every..." "Ah, beautiful evening, isn't it, Schultz?" "( grumbling )" "Eins, Zwei, Drei, Vier, Funf," "Sechs, Sieben, Acht, Neun, Zehn..." "Elf is next." "Eleven, Schultz." "I know how to count." "So many of the younger guards" "I think it's the way they're taught." "( grumbles )" "Zwolf, Dreizehn, Vierzehn..." "Report!" "How can I make a report when number 15 is missing?" "Look at the bright side:" "14 are here." "KLINK:" "Report!" "Herr Kommandant, I have to make a report." "As a matter of fact..." "Schultz!" "I do not want a social chat." "I want a report." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "I... ( tank approaching )" "Herr Kommandant, the Tiger tank is here." "Who is Kommandant Klink?" "Heil Hitler." "Heil." "I-I..." "Well, where are these rebellious prisoners?" "The Tiger tank will smash them flat like pancakes." "Rebellious prisoners?" "There are no rebellious prisoners here." "They are tame." "I've tamed them." "Then why did you request a tank?" "I did not." "You question the word of a Gestapo officer?" "KLINK:" "Certainly not." "Here are my orders." "KLINK:" "They are certainly authentic." "I..." "There could be any doubt?" "Not a doubt in the world." "Sir, request permission to speak." "KLINK:" "No!" "Yes." "I regret to inform you, sir, one of my men seems to have escaped." "Escaped?" "He received a letter from home today, sir." "His girl sent him a candid snapshot." "So these are your "tamed" prisoners." "No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13." "Sound the alarm." "Let loose the dogs." "All guards turn out for the search!" "( bell ringing ) All prisoners into the barracks!" "I assure you, sir, I..." "It is lucky for you, Klink, that I'm here." "Zuruck!" "Zuruck!" "Get back!" "Back, back, back!" "Everybody zuruck!" "Zuruck!" "In barracks." "Exciting, isn't it, Schultz?" "( tank engine revving )" "( mouthing )" "All I wanted was an oil change." "CARTER:" "Hey, Colonel." "Something's wrong outside." "The search is still going on." "They didn't find anybody?" "No, sir." "Not Tiger, not LeBeau, not anybody!" "( knocking )" "HOGAN:" "LeBeau, what are you doing here?" "Sorry, Colonel!" "Sorry?" "What happened?" "Didn't you meet Tiger?" "Yes, sir, I did." "Yeah, what went wrong?" "Well, just wouldn't work out." "Are you out of your mind?" "You know the orders." "We don't use the outside entrance and this tunnel except in emergency." "Krauts find out what we've got underground and we've blown the whole ball game." "I thought it was an emergency." "You thought it was an emergency." "And where's Tiger?" "Right behind you?" "Awaiting permission to come up, sir." "Tiger, come up here." "Hello." "( men whistling )" "You're Tiger." "Oui." "Tiger." "Hello." "The changing of the clothes, sir, it just wouldn't work out." "What's the matter with those people on the outside?" "Don't they know procedure?" "You mad at me?" "Look, this is no game." "Guys risk their lives escaping from other camps." "We sneak them in here." "They depend on us to get them out of Germany." "Our whole operation could go right down the drain, just 'cause they sent us a woman." "I have had many more missions more dangerous than this, and they did not send me, I volunteer." "All right, so you're Mata Hari." "But this is an all-male camp." "Just where, for instance, do we put you up?" "In the spirit of "hands across the sea" and all that, uh, I hereby volunteer to share my cubicle." "( men talking at once )" "What's the matter, Newkirk?" "The matter is, Colonel, that a gentleman's tailor is a gentleman's tailor, and what we've got here is no gentleman." "Begging your pardon, Tiger." "But of course." "Do the best you can." "We've got to get her out of here tonight looking like a German civilian-- some kind of a bulky uniform to carry these blueprints." "Colonel, women work as crew on the German trains." "HOGAN:" "I don't care if you put on a kimono and go as Tokyo Rose." "Let's just ad-lib the whole thing, huh?" "Why not?" "The worst that can happen to you is you get one week in solitary, or I can get shot." "All right, all right." "Just have her ready by roll call tonight." "The diversion is the tank coming out of the rec hall." "Then you take off after that." "I thought it was in pieces." "It is in pieces." "We're going to put it back together again in the rec hall after the Germans padlock the place." "Sounds wild." "NEWKIRK:" "The Colonel never misses." "Everything under control always." "Except his temper." "Hello." "Colonel Hogan, please." "Herr Kommandant wants you in his office, quickly, quickly." "He is boiling over the escape that was not an escape." "The guards were searching all night." "No." "No." "Tokyo Rose." "Oh, Colonel Hogan, this time you went too far." "What am I saying?" "I see nothing." "Nothing!" "Something I can do for you, Commandant?" "A slight explanation, Colonel Hogan, about last night." "You know, I feel worse than you do about that." "Sit down." "Sit down." "On your feet." "Colonel Hogan, if you do not feel worse than I do now, you will." "I and my men were out all night, and this morning, the man you reported missing was still here." "You know, I think we were even one over." "Enough of your American jokes." "Punishment shall be meted out to all prisoners." "All prisoners?" "All prisoners." "Then you will not be so popular, Colonel Hogan." "Oh, they're going to hate me, all right, sir, but I've just got to learn." "The usual punishment?" "Yes." "The prisoners' recreation hall will be padlocked for one week." "You're a hard man, Colonel." "But just." "Uh, anything else?" "Colonel Hogan, last night, just at roll call, a Tiger tank entered the camp." "Tiger tank?" "Was that a Tiger tank?" "Hey, that's beautiful." "My compliments to the General Staff, sir." "Danke." "And, during your search, Colonel Hogan, did you happen to see what gate it went out of?" "It did go out a gate, didn't it?" "We were all locked in our barracks, sir." "Couldn't you have looked through a window?" "Herr Kommandant, General Hofstader is on the phone." "General Hofstader?" "Hofstader?" "Commander, Third Panzer Division." "Hofstader!" "General Hofstader, how nice to hear from you." "I..." "Tank?" "Didn't it come back?" "I assure you, General Hofstader, I never sent for one." "I had nothing to do with it, General Hofstader." "I..." "Where is it now?" "Well, you see, General Hofstader, it was here last night, and then we had an escape, except it wasn't really an escape, and when we came to look for the tank, well, it, uh..." "Nasty tempers, those Panzers." "No, General Hofstader." "There's no need for you to come here, General Hofstader." "The tank will be found immediately, General Hofstader." "Jawohl, General Hofstader!" "Lose a tank?" "If the tank did not leave the camp, then it is still here." "If it is still here, your men may have hidden it." "Now, we will search this camp, inch by inch, barracks by barracks, prisoner by prisoner." "Colonel Klink, now, just where do you think we might have hidden a Tiger tank?" "It is impossible for you to hide a Tiger tank." "Therefore, I suspect you." "Dismissed." "Don't worry," "I think it'll show up somewhere." "Can't you make a phone tap off Klink's office out of something besides my coffee pot?" "Aw, tais-toi." "Aw, tais-toi!" "Tais-toi to you!" "Oh, General Hofstader is on the way, Colonel." "He'll be here in a few minutes." "I guess we'd better give back the tank." "Newkirk, get over to the rec hall." "It's all set to go." "Jawohl, mein Colonel." "Knock off the phony accent." "All right, Governor." "For your inspection, Colonel." "Worst job we ever did, but the blueprints are all in." "Got some fatigues to go over that for roll call?" "Right here, Colonel." "Let's get 'em on her." "Roll call's any minute now." "Well, uh, good luck, now." "Thank you, Sergeant." "LeBeau:" "Well, be careful, huh?" "Merci." "Here, let me help you..." "I can manage, thank you." "I am sorry if my being a woman has made things difficult for you." "Difficult?" "For your plans." "Oh, yeah, sure." "Colonel Hogan... it is not likely that we will ever see each other again, so we can be frank, no?" "No." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I volunteered to come here, because in the underground" "I heard many things about your operation here." "We know that you could escape, but you choose to stay behind and help the others." "And I was curious-- curious, as a woman-- about the man in charge." "And now I have seen." "( bell rings )" "Um, roll call?" "Roll call." "Roll call, Colonel." "Roll call, Colonel." "General Hofstader, how nice to see you." "Where is my tank, Klink?" "Didn't it come back yet?" "Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners." "I see no riot." "I see no tank." "All I see is a colonel about to become corporal." "But, General Hofstader, we searched the grounds, the barracks, the prisoners..." "The prisoners?" "No one had it in his pocket?" "We are talking about a Tiger tank, Klink, not a toy dump truck!" "Please, Colonel, you push me too far." "What's the matter, Schultz?" "All 15 not here?" "15 are here, but it is not Newkirk." "It doesn't even look like Newkirk in any important respect." "Really?" "Oh, please, Colonel Hogan," "I do not want to interfere in your private life, but I must insist..." "Schultz, you have my word" "Newkirk will be here... any time now." "General Hofstader, it will not be necessary for you to report this to Berlin." "The tank will turn up any time now." "( engine starting )" "( engine revving )" "You see, I told you it would turn up." "Now, where did that come from?" "I see nothing, nothing!" "( men shouting )" "It is attacking!" "( men shouting )" "This is General Hofstader." "Halt!" "Halt!" "Get inside..." "Get inside that tank!" "It's about the biggest diversion we can make." "You better be going." "Colonel Hogan!" "Colonel Hogan!" "Kissing prisoners is verboten!" "Au revoir." "Anything happening?" "Nothing, Schultz." "Just the dull, deadly routine of prison life." "( men cheering )" "Oh, boy." "Colonel..." "Now, we've had some strange occurrences in this camp, very strange occurrences." "We have?" "Yes." "Can you suggest an explanation?" "The Gestapo." "The Gestapo?" "Colonel Klink, you've never had an escape at Stalag 13." "That's a record not even the Gestapo can match." "True, but I-I..." "It's a plot to discredit you in Berlin." "But why?" "Your efficiency is showing them up!" "No!" "You have a better theory?" "This is incredible." "What can I do?" "Well, perhaps one of these days we might just be able to arrange an escape." "Nothing big-- 15, 20 men?" "Do you realize that what you are suggesting," "Colonel Hogan, is treason?" "See?" "You're too perfect." "That's why they hate you." "For after dinner." ""(End of Episode)""