"HOMICIDAL HAM" " Hiya, Sam." " Hey, Carla." " Did you just get pregnant?" " No." "I could, but this is just stuffing." " Why?" " I'm a little short and my rent is due." "And pregnant women get better tips." "It's dishonest, Sam." "You should tell her to get rid of it." "I can't do that." "She's Catholic." "Watch it." "I'm in a family way here." "The kid's going to be a swimmer." "Would you look at that?" "Some idiot carved his initials on my bar." "It's his initials and his girlfriend's." "It's sweet." "No, it's not sweet." "It's destructive." "I mean, who did that?" "SM plus DC." " I think it's romantic." " No, it's not romantic." "It's stupid." "If you want romantic, we could have our buns tattooed." "Worth a shot." "I'm just going to run a tab for you." "Excuse me." "May I speak with you for a moment, please?" "Don't you recognise that man?" "The ex-convict you paid to date me." "He murdered a waitress and fantasises his hands are claws." "Oh, yeah." "How do you happen to remember him?" "Of course I recognise him." "His name is Andy." "So what?" "So what is he doing here?" "I don't know." "He probably came in for a drink." "As soon as you hang a sign out that says "bar", you start getting that." "Sam, you have to get rid of that killer." "He's dangerous." "Look at him." "Does he look dangerous to you?" " Not at the moment..." " He's a customer." "That's all." "He has every right to be here." "Now, don't worry." "If he starts anything, I know how to handle him." " Hey, Andy, isn't it?" " That's right." " And you're Sam." " Correct." "What'll you have, Andy?" "Everything in the cash register, Sam." "Freeze!" "Everybody just take it easy here." "I'II..." " No." "Let the other guy get it." " Ernie Pantusso." "Call me Coach." " We've gotta help Sammy." " What can we do?" "Maybe we can jump the guy." "He's not that big." "The gun is big." "The gun's definitely big." "Maybe Diane could run in circles, flapping her arms, and draw his fire." "Stay out of this." "Me and Norm will handle it." " What do you want me to do?" " We gotta do something." "Trust me." "Statistics show 33% of the time a guy will not use a gun if challenged." " So?" " If he's shot two people, you're in luck." "Hey, folks." "I hope no one's going to try anything silly here." "Take it easy." "No one's going to overpower you." "It's not worth it." "Not even if I was a little careless and let the gun drop onto the bar like that." "Maybe let my attention wander round the room a little bit." "Now!" " It's OK." "Carla's got him." " Lucky for him." "OK, Sam." "You got me." " Watch where you point it." " It isn't loaded." "It isn't?" "It isn't!" "Cliffy, suppose this little trickle here's noticeable?" "Would you come here and watch him?" "I'll see if the police answer their phone." "Good." "I want to go back to prison." " I can't make it on the outside." " Have you really tried?" "I've been beating my brains out." "No one will give me a break." " No one will hire me." "No one trusts me." " What are your skills?" "I have no skills." "I'm worthless." "Don't you have any ambitions, any dreams?" " You'd laugh if I told you." " No, we won't." "I'd love to be an actor." "God bless you, Cliff." "I did a little acting in high school." "I think I was pretty good." "At least it was an escape from so many things." "So go and be an actor." "Why bellyache to us?" "Fat chance." "Nobody will even give me a look." "I'm going back where I belong, out of everybody's way." "Prison is my home." " The cops are on their way." " Tell them not to come." "Go it." "What?" "Why?" "Why am I doing that?" "When Andy shoved that gun in your face, he was asking for help." "Silly me." "I thought he was asking for money." "He stands here as an embodiment of the failure of our penal system." "This man doesn't belong in prison." "We, mostly I, can save this man's life." "Well, how are we, mostly you, going to do that?" "Never mind that now." "Call off les gendarmes." "Trust me." "What are you going to do now, Diane?" "Well, I happen to know Professor Sebastian DeWitt," "America's foremost drama coach." "He can spot an actor a mile away." "That could come in handy at a drive-in." " OK, I called the cops off." " Excellent." "Andrew, listen to me." "Now, you want to be an actor." "I have experience as a director in school." "We're going to do a scene..." "Later, Sam." "Now, if I think you're good enough, a very big if, but if you are, I will arrange for Professor DeWitt to see you perform." "He has contacts at every theatre on the Cape." "I never expected this when I came in here to stick up your bar." "You know the old saying." "Use a gun, go to Cape Cod." "Why are you doing this for me after our last experience?" "Well, I understand what people in the acting world go through." "I did a bit of acting myself in college." "Really?" "You could be in my scene." "Were you good?" "Well, I don't like to brag, but a lot of people love my work." "At Bennington, they still talk about my Tiny Alice." "Who wants a girl with a big Alice?" "I know a book store that specialises in theatrical books." "Let's pick up some plays." "Sam, may I have half an hour off?" "You're right." "I need an hour." "Diane, can I talk to you here for a second, please?" "Excuse me." "You thought he was Jack the Ripper." "Now you're going browsing with him?" "Now I know him." "Sam, look at him." "Does he look like a dangerous person?" " He has done time." " He made one small mistake." "He made a big one." "He's a murderer, Diane." "One murder does not a murderer make." "OK, what I mean is, he's not a murderer at heart." "Anyone who loves the theatre loves mankind." "I don't think somebody should go out with a crazy person." " I can take care of myself." " I was talking about me." "Hie, thee, Andrew." "Let us away." "I sense you are uneasy about your employee being in danger with me." "My crime occurred a long time ago." "I was a different person then." "I had one terrible moment of temporary insanity." "I'm much better now." "I'm much healthier." "I can't remember the last time I heard those voices." "Well, I'm glad." "What voices?" "Those shrill voices that used to sound like my mummy." "I'm glad you got it licked." " Sam, please." "Relax." "I'm better now." " Come along, Andrew." "You thought..." "But it wasn't..." "A hard left covered by two quick jabs." "Another left." "He stepped into that one." "A left jab." "A left upper cut." "An overhead right across the forehead, as they go into the corner." " And that's the end of round six." " It's beer time, Sammy." "Step right up, ladies and gentlemen." "Good hands." "Keep moving." "Here we go." "Slow it down." "We only got 20 seconds, next commercial." "That's it." "Good hands." "Here we go." "There we go." "All right." "Come on." "Move along there." "Come on." "We got three left." "We got two left." "Sammy, what does a guy have to do to get a beer round here?" "This is the best middleweight contest we've seen in a long time." "Who would want to miss this?" "All right, boys, off, off." "Andy and I can't hear ourselves rehearsing back there." "Professor DeWitt will be here any minute." "I hope she's showing you one hell of a good time." "Don't be nervous." "You'll be wonderful." "I'm not nervous." "It's just this week has gone by so quickly." "It's been the best week of my life." " Miss Chambers." " Professor, how good of you to come." "This is Andrew Schroeder, a young man who is going to surprise you." "I hope so." "When the theatre loses its power to surprise, it loses vitality." " What first?" " A scene from "Othello"." "Challenging." "It's certainly nice to see you again." "I could never picture you as a waitress." "You forget I played a waitress in your production of "Bus Stop"." "Yes, I know." "Have fun." "Break a leg." " I can't believe you did this for me." " You deserve it." "You're talented and sensitive." "You have a lot of depth." " You know me so well." " I'm a pretty good judge of people." "You are." "You're wonderful." " I love you, Diane." " I love you, too." "You guys about ready?" "Crowd's getting restless." "If they don't hear some Elizabethan couplets soon, they'll turn ugly." "I'd better get into costume." "Excuse me." "All right." "Listen up." "You were right about Andy." "I was wrong." "He's been a complete angel all week." "My objections were stupid." " Are you satisfied?" " Of course." "Put it in writing and we'll be fine." "Fat chance." "Sorry I haven't been around much this week, but it was important to help Andy." "It's been kind of tough." "Well, later, when we're alone," " I'll make it up to you at my apartment." " What time tonight?" "Let's get the show on the road." "Good luck." " Andy, what's the matter?" " You kissed him." "I saw you." "That's all right." "I guess it's no secret here." "Sam and I have sort of a thing going." "But I love you... and you said you love me." "Oh, dear." "No, I was speaking as a friend, Andy." "If I gave you any other impression, I'm sorry." "Really sorry." "I do love you, as a friend." "OK?" "Sure." " You're not upset?" " No." " You're not angry with me?" " That's OK." "I'll use it in my performance." ""Yet she must die..." ""... else she betray more men. "" "wonderful." "That was perfect." ""Put out the light" ""and then put out the light. "" "Andy, it's time." "Are you ready?" "Show folk." "Good evening, everyone, and welcome to talent night at Cheers." "This evening we begin with a scene from William Shakespeare's "Othello"." "I don't have to explain the play to Professor DeWitt." "But it might be helpful to some of you if I explain what you are about to see." "I wonder who she's talking about, Norm." "In this play, Andrew Schroeder, my discovery, will enact the role of Othello." "Go, Andy!" "This is the story of a man, driven by insane jealousy, to murder the woman he loves because he believes she loves another man." "The scene we are about to do is the scene in which Othello actually kills said woman, who will be portrayed by myself." "Did I mention that I'm playing Desdemona?" "OK, so without further ado, the strang the strangulation scene." "But before we do, let's have a little background on the 16th Century." "Come on, Diane." "No more background." "Let's have the scene." " Don't worry." "Let me give you a kiss." " Don't touch me." "I barely know you!" "All right." "On with the play." "In this scene, Desdemona is in bed, when Othello comes in, thinking, very mistakenly, I can assure you..." "He's completely off-base on this one." "He'll be sick about it in the morning." "Thinking that she has been unfaithful to him." "Which, of course, she hasn't." "It is the cause." "It is the cause, my soul." "Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars." "It is the cause." "Yet I'll not shed her blood, nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow." "There." "Good." "Well, it's agreed." "No blood, no scarring, the gist of our scene." "Oh, come on, Diane!" " What's wrong with Diane tonight?" " She got stage fright." "Diane, the sooner you start, the sooner you'll be finished." "Who's there?" "Othello?" "Aye, Desdemona." "Will you come to bed, my lord?" "Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?" "I would not kill thy unprepared spirit." "Talk..." "Talk you of killing?" "Aye." "I do." "He's convincing." "There's a real murderous intensity about him." "Then heaven have mercy on me." "Think on thy sins." " Are you sure she's OK?" " Sure." "She's just acting." " Shouldn't you make sure?" " Imagine what she'd say if I butted in." "Take heed of perjury." "Thou art on thy deathbed!" "I love it!" "A Desdemona that fights back!" "Help!" "This psycho's trying to kill me!" "That's the only line of Shakespeare I ever understood." "I saw you kissing Sam!" "Kissing Sam?" " Someone help me, will you?" " Mummy!" "I'll clean up my room, Mummy!" "What time's the second show?" "I hope you fry for this." "Are you going to be OK?" " I'm having a little trouble breathing." " No, I meant for tonight." "English"