"(barking orders)" "(whistle blowing)" "Mail call." "(overlapping chatter)" "Come on!" "Hey!" "(overlapping chatter)" "Get in line." "(barking orders)" "What is this, gentlemen?" "This is United States mail you're tampering in." "What is this?" "!" "And Doberman, stop pawing around in there like it was a grab bag." "I'm sorry, Sarge." "In line. (barks orders)" "May I remind you, the United States protects mail." "Guarantees its privacy." "Why, there may be money, money orders, checks." "Now, come on now!" "Let's have a little order in this." "Mail call." "Mail call." "Paparelli?" "Here." "Zimmerman?" "Here." "Fender." "Here." "Kadowsk" " Catalogues!" "Dober..." "Doberman?" "Throw it, Sarge." "Come and get it." "Doberman, there are certain mails that can be thrown, but when the contents is a pink slip of paper with the words "pay to the order of..."" "(all talking)" "What?" "What is...?" "What is that?" "I wasn't discussing anything with you." "This is this man's private mail." "Let's not get too nosy." "Here you are, Doberman." "Can we help you open it?" "No, I'm opening it all right, Sarge." "Isn't it wonderful?" "Look how neat he is." "Like a real executive." "What is it?" "Looks like a check from a bank." "(excited chatter)" "Get back!" "Leave this man alone with his thoughts." "Why must you be so nosy?" "Is it any of your business?" "How much is it for, Duane?" "You read it, Sarge." "The numbers keep dancing up and down." ""The National Underwriters Insurance Company in settlement for acc..."" "Accident?" "Five years ago, I was hit by a cab." "Good boy." ""Pay to the order of Duane Doberman exactly $500.00"" "(excited chatter)" "What is it?" "What are you...?" "Why don't you...?" "I'm rich!" "I'm rich!" "I'm rich!" "I'm rich!" "I'm..." "Yes, you are rich." "Rich, indeed." "Not because of this piece of paper." "That's false riches." "You are rich-- rich indeed-- in the friends you have." "(all enthusiastically agreeing)" "Rocco, a guest in my room standing?" "(stammering) Sit down, Duane." "Sit down." "Here, baby boy." "Want a cigarette?" "No, Sarge." "Need anything at the PX?" "No." "Sarge, I got to go on guard duty." "No, no, no, no, Do.." "Just relax." "Today is a holiday." "Today, all you do is sit here and look pretty." "You know, I was telling the boys only the other day the riskiest thing to do with money these days is to invest it in a bank." "Really?" "Oh, yes." "This is an era when your money must go out and earn other monies." "Now, if you're wondering what to do with that $500..." "Oh, I know what I'm gonna do with it, Sarge." "You do?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna give it to you." "Here, take it." "M-Me?" "You're not gonna fight over...?" "Just...?" "Look, Sarge, I never had any money to invest in those wonderful schemes you used to get the other fellas involved in." "I have money now." "I want you to have it, Sarge." "Do whatever you want with it." "I..." "No." "Here." "I can't." "What are you doing, Sarge?" "I can't." "Keep the money." "You crazy?" "What are you...?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "!" "I won't be able to sleep at night." "Why must it be him with those trusting eyes?" "Why couldn't it be Mullen with those shifty eyes, as if he's always looking for a soft touch?" "Take that check, get out of here." "I'm only human." "Go on!" "Sarge, I wouldn't know what to do with $500." "You'll think of something." "What?" "I got everything a man could want." "I get my meals." "Got a place to sleep." "I got friends." "You could cry, couldn't you?" "It's a choker." "He's got everything." "Did you ever stop to think what a small portion of this would do for your appearance?" "What's wrong with my appearance?" "Duane, we've been keeping this from you, but the time has come to face facts." "You are a slob." "Me?" "Let me amend that." "You are an ex-slob." "About to burst forth resplendent in beautiful new clothes-- shoes, hats." "That's it." "That's what we'll do." "We'll take him to a tailor in town today." "That's what we'll do-- we'll get him one of those classy civilian suits tailor made." "But, Sarge, I got a civilian suit." "Duane, they don't wear Prince Albert coats anymore." "That's it." "That's what we'll do." "We'll dress him up like a peacock." "Fender-- he used to be a tailor." "I'll ask Fender." "He'll know." "Where is Fe...?" "Where's Fender?" "Who...?" "There's Fender." "Here he is." "Come here, Fender." "Fender, you used to be a tailor." "Look at him." "What do you see him in?" "A Prince Albert coat." "Jokes." "Always with the jokes, huh?" "Hold it." "I don't need anybody." "It just came to me." "Tweeds." "No, no." "Sharkskin." "Please don't fight me on this." "I see him in tweeds." "He's born for beautiful English tweeds." "Don't you see what the...?" "Give it a sweep." "With the little "pilts" in the back." "Don't you see it with the trousers right down on to the shoelaces?" "Just in that pinpoint correctness?" "A Hamburg hat, gray suede gloves." "I'll die." "I'll die." "No, no." "You'll live!" "You'll live!" "The women'll die." "That's it." "This afternoon, right to the tailors." "Look, escort him to the bank, cash the check, meet me and the rest of the guys in the lounge at the Roseville Hotel." "We can't do it, Sarge." "We've got the headquarters detail." "And the bank closes at 4:00." "Maybe I can go alone and cash the check." "Alone?" "With $500?" "Are you mad?" "Which one of you guys...?" "I'll take him, Sarge." "(overlapping chatter)" "You're safer alone." "Here's what you do." "Cash this check, take the money, go right across the street to the lounge of the Roseville Hotel." "You got that?" "Got you." "On the double." "And listen, when you cash the money, put the money in this pocket." "Right in here." "You understand?" "If you're crossing the street, and you get... happen to get hit by a car, fall on the money." "You understand?" "At all times." "If a stranger talks to you, walk away." "If it's a guy with a mustache, call a cop." "Understand?" "On the double." "Hey, Sarge, why don't you take the money?" "Will you get him out of here before I go crazy?" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Meet us in the lounge." "Remember that." "What'll it be, soldier?" "I'm supposed to meet some of my friends here." "Can I wait a while?" "Oh, sure." "Just make yourself right at home." "Thank you." "Can I have a cherry pop?" "Sure." "How much is it?" "Why, that'll be two bits, soldier." "Here." "$20?" "Haven't you got anything smaller than that?" "DOBERMAN:" "I'll look." "No." "I'm afraid that's the smallest I have." "All right." "18, 19... 75." "What'll it be, miss?" "Lemonade." "Thank you." "Pardon me." "I hate to bother you, but have you a light?" "There's some matches here, miss." "Oh, pardon me." "Thank you." "Ooh, your hand-- I just noticed." "You must be a concert pianist." "Oh, no, ma'am." "I'm just a soldier." "A soldier." "How interesting." "I work in a motor pool." "A mechanic." "Oh, that sounds exciting." "It does?" "Oh, there you are, sis." "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Jeanie." "Heavens." "Now we're gonna miss the concert." "Oh, I, uh..." "I don't believe I know your friend." "Uh, this is my brother, Steve Smith." "This is Private..." "Doberman." "Doberman." "Duane Doberman." "Doberman." "Why is that name so familiar?" "Oh, there are plenty of us Dobermans back home." "Oh?" "Where's home?" "I come from Allentown, Pennsylvania." "Allentown, Pennsylvania?" "!" "Why?" "What's the matter?" "Oh, this is the end." "Why, here were are in the middle of Kansas, and we meet a neighbor from Allentown, Pennsylvania." "You folks from Allentown?" "No place else but little old Allentown." "Isn't it wonderful?" "!" "Folks from home." "Why, I'll bet we know a lot of folks you do." "Say, maybe we went to the same high school." "Uh..." "Forsythe High." "BOTH:" "Forsythe High." "Good old Forsythe." "Say, remember the cheer." "Come on." "Go get 'em..." "ALL:" "Forsythe." "DOBERMAN:" "Ray, ray." "ALL:" "Ray." "DOBERMAN:" "Pride of..." "ALL:" "Allentown, P.A." "Yup, yup." "Good old Allentown, P.A." "Allentown, P.A. Did somewhere here say Allentown, P.A?" "Yeah." "The three of us are from Allentown." "You mean the four of us." "Well, this is a small world." "No." "Are you from Allentown, too?" "The greatest little city in America, huh?" "I declare, huh?" "I don't believe I've, um..." "Oh, this is Jean and Steve Smith." "Hi." "I'm Duane Doberman." "Chester A. Foster." "How do you do?" "I'm glad to know you, sir." "A pleasure, Mr. Foster." "How do you do?" "Say, I just completed a million dollar insurance deal, and I thought I was gonna have to celebrate alone." "We'll go up to my suite for a drink." "Fine." "Yeah, that sounds good." "Grand idea." "We'll cut up old touches." "Maybe a little poker game or something." "I love to play poker, but my sergeant never lets me in the game." "Oh, uh, so you're in insurance, Mr. Foster?" "Hey, Mister?" "Yes." "Yes." "Uh, some soldiers are gonna come here asking for me." "Will you tell them that I'll meet them later at the barracks?" "Tell them I ran into some folks from my hometown." "Oh." "Come on, Duane." "Ooh, Duane, you're much taller than I thought you were." "Really?" "It's funny." "I was just a little shrimp until I was 15, and suddenly, I shot up like a weed." "Remarkable." "Here comes Doberman." "Hiya, Duane." "Hiya, Dobie, baby boy." "Have a good time with the folks, Dobie?" "Cut up some old touches?" "Have a nice little chat?" "Hey, Sarge, what's a...?" "What?" "What?" "Nostalgia." "He's all choked up." "He's been with folks from back home." "He's sentimental." "We understand, Duane." "We figure we got plenty of time to get you the clothes tomorrow, but in the meantime, we ought to put the money in a safe place." "You know, like the platoon welfare box." "What money?" "What money?" "(loud, overlapping chatter)" "Here." "What money?" "You know, the $500." "It's gone." "Gone?" "!" "(loud, overlapping chatter)" "Guys!" "Why do you jump down a man's throat?" "He doesn't have to answer, and why are you so nosy?" "Man don't have to answer to anybody." "What are you?" "What are you, all district attorneys suddenly?" "This man don't have to talk if he don't want to talk." "Just leave him alone." "Where's the money?" "!" "I don't want to talk about it." "You don't want to talk about it?" "What do you mean, you don't want to talk?" "Quiet!" "He don't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to talk." "He doesn't have to answer to anybody." "Now leave him alone." "Duane, the reason we asked you is 'cause we're all interested in you." "You're a buddy after all." "You don't have to tell us if you don't want to, but we wish you would." "Nobody's gonna hit the ceiling." "Nice and calm." "Just collect yourself and relax." "Tell us." "What happened?" "Well, I met this girl at a bar." "Girl at a bar!" "Tell me he didn't say he met a girl at the bar." "He did." "A real nice girl?" "Yeah." "You know her?" "Do I know her?" "I've met her in Chicago, San Francisco, Manila." "Not this one." "She's from Allentown." "Allent..." "Oh." "How can a guy be in the Army ten years and be so defenseless?" "Go on." "Well, we started to talk..." "And then her brother showed up, right?" "His name was Steve." "Ah." "What time did Harry, the traveling salesman come by?" "There was no salesman named Harry, Sarge." "No?" "His name was Chester." "Chester." "Good old Chester." "And Chester suggested you go up to his suite for a little visit." "Old friends." "Ah." "By accident, there was a card table and some cards." "Am I right?" "That's right, Sarge." "And then, he suggested a friendly little game of poker between old friends." "That's right." "And you were very lucky." "Oh, I was real lucky." "I..." "Oh, you won the first five hands, didn't you?" "And then zing, bang, boom, before you knew it, the $500 was gone, right?" "That's exactly the way it happened." "That's exactly the way it always happens." "Oh, Duane, how could you be such a fool?" "Oh, Sarge, I'm so ashamed of myself." "Quiet." "Quiet." "Don't you see what happened, Dillingham?" "Card sharps." "They work Army camps." "They took him." "Sarge, I'm such a fool." "Please." "Please!" "I can't stand to see a fat man cry." "Sorry, Sarge." "Don't-Don't be sorry." "Just let me think a minute." "Now, tonight I got a date with Joan." "I'll have to call that off." "All right, I'll have to work fast." "I'll get the money back." "You'll get it back, Sarge?" "How?" "How?" "How?" "How?" "The way they took it from him, that's how." "Gander, you got cards?" "On the double." "Fingers are a little stiff." "Look, Sarge, how you gonna get the money back?" "There's two of them." "Let's see if I'm in shape." "Nerve ends are still dead." "I need some sandpaper." "Sandpaper." "Sarge, there's two of them!" "I know" " I'll use the old Army maneuver:" "divide and conquer." "Let me see, you won the first five hands, right?" "First five hands-- that means they gave you the Australian deal, am I right?" "What's that, Sarge?" "From Down Under." "There's only one way to combat that." "There's only one way to work with stacked cards." "That's to give it the Bilko shuffle." "The Bilko shuffle?" "For which there is no known defense." "BARTENDER:" "What'll it be, Private?" "BILKO:" "I'll have some lemonade, please, sir, and not too much on the sugar, because I'm driving." "(chuckles):" "What about that!" "# Old MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o #" "# And on this farm he had some chicks, e-i-e-i-u #" "# With a cluck-cluck there and cluck-cluck there, here... #" "Oh, thank you." "That'll be two bits." "Two bits?" "That's 25 cents, isn't it, sir?" "That's right." "Oh, there you are, sir." "$50?" "Haven't you got anything smaller than that?" "Oh, good heavens, is that a fifty?" "I always think they're fives." "Uh... 25 cents, you said." "There it is, I have the change." "Thank you." "What'll it be, miss?" "Lemonade." "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Pardon me..." "(gags)" "Ma'am?" "Have you a light?" "A li..." "Oh, here are some matches here." "May I?" "(Bilko exhales sharply)" "Thank you." "Oh, your hands!" "I just noticed!" "You must be a concert pianist." "How'd you guess?" "'Fess up, you heard me play" ""Kitten on the Keys" in the recreation hall, didn't you?" "MAN:" "Oh, there you are, sis." "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late." "I..." "Oh, I don't believe I know your friend." "Oh, this is my brother Steve." "This is Private..." "Bilko, ma'am." "Clement Bilko." "Back home they just call me Clem." "(chuckles)" "Bilko, Bilko." "Why is that name so familiar?" "Oh, shucks, mister, you never could've heard of me, unless you come from Council Bluffs, Iowa." "Council Bluffs!" "Council Bluffs!" "That's incredible!" "What-what is it?" "Why, here we are in the middle of Kansas, and we meet a neighbor from Council Bluffs, Iowa!" "You folks from back home?" "Nowhere else but little old Council Bluffs." "This is wonderful!" "(Bilko sobbing)" "Well... what's the matter, soldier?" "He's crying." "Oh, you must..." "Please forgive me for being such a blubberer... (sniffles) but to meet folks from back home." "I'll bet we even went to the same school." "Uh..." "Goosenheimer's Business College." "STEVE/JEANIE:" "Goosenheimer's Business College." "Oh, good old Goosenheimer." "(Bilko sobbing)" "Now, now, now, Clem boy." "Oh, you must forgive me for being such a baby... about it, but... to meet folks from home and from the same school..." "Let's sing the old school song!" "All right, you start it." "Okay." "(to "O Christmas Tree"):" "# O Goosenheim #" "(trying to sing along) -# O Goosenheim #" "# Your name will drag # -# Drag #" "# But not in slime # -# In slime #" "# From Crovney Hill #" "# To Gilman Street # -# Street #" "# The folks up there #" "# They ca-an't be #" "# Beat # -# Be beat #" "# The typewriters # -# Writers #" "# And pencils grand #" "# O Goosenheim # -# Heim #" "# The grandest grand. # -# Grand. #" "Boy, you sure knew every word." "You..." "To Council Bluffs, gateway to Sioux City!" "Sioux City?" "Who's here from Sioux City?" "Nobody!" "We're from Council Bluffs." "Council Bluffs?" "He's from Council Bluffs, too!" "He's from Council Bluffs!" "Say..." "You have a suite!" "Why don't we go up there?" "Why don't we all?" "# Goosenheim, O Goosenheim... #" "Well, make yourself at home." "Oh, what a coincidence-- a card table and cards!" "Yes." "Now, let's sit down, we'll start the game." "A game?" "Oh, a game, a game!" "I'll deal." "Wait a minute!" "What's the matter?" "You're gonna start a game without singing the Council Bluffs" "High School fight song?" "Oh, but we don't know..." "You don't know?" "You're from Council Bluffs, you don't..." "Oh, sure, sure, we know it, don't we?" "Of course." "He just forgot it." "We always used to sing it Mondays in the assembly hall." "Don't you remember how it went?" "(to "Camptown Races"):" "# Oh, Council Bluffers #" "# Won't be bluffed, no, sir, no, sir... #" "You remember your part the boys used to sing?" "# Away, away in Iowa, away... #" "And your part, # Council Bluffs, Council Bluffs #" "# Ooh, ooh, ooh... # You remember now?" "(others singing) -# Council Bluff... #" "You're rushing it." "# Away, away in Iowa... #" "(others singing)" "No, no, you're coming in at the wrong time." "# Council... # No, you..." "Why do you say "away" when you're not supposed to do it yet?" "(others singing)" "Keep it high." "No, no, don't rush it, don't sing it wrong." "# Council... # Don't come in until I tell you." "# Counc... # No, keep it high." "High, soprano." "Uh, look, Clem," "I better save my voice for the next sales meeting." "Why don't we just sit down..." "Yes, let's sit down." "We'll get the game going." "All righty." "Ante up a dollar." "Play showdown." "Good idea." "Oh, is this for money?" "Oh, I never play for money, 'cause I always lose." "Oh, I'm sure you're gonna win." "I have a feeling you'll win the first five hands." "How could you know?" "I have a feeling." "Oh?" "All right." "Well, if it's only for a dollar," "all right, I'll try that once." "I'll deal." "Uh, do you mind?" "Huh?" "It's the only fun I ever get." "I don't play many..." "but I like to shuffle, see?" "Oh." "Now, away we go, like that fat man says on television all the time." "That's a nice hand!" "Oh, that's beautiful." "There you are!" "What do you got?" "Just a pair of deuces." "I only have fives." "He wins!" "I win?" "I w..." "Wait, I don't win." "All I have is a pair of fours." "He has a pair of fives." "He wins." "I win?" "He wins?" "You see, I'm..." "I never win at cards." "Oh, oh, that was an accident." "An accident?" "I mean, uh..." "He means he's sure you're gonna win the next hand." "Aren't you, Mr. Foster?" "I'm positive." "Well, uh, I..." "Up a dollar." "Well, I'll go for one more dollar, but I'm not used to this." "(chuckles):" "There you are." "I'll deal." "May I?" "What?" "The only fun I have." "(chuckles) I'm so sloppy at it." "STEVE:" "You do that well." "I bet you'll be lucky to me..." "I have a king!" "I have two kings!" "I have three kings!" "Three kings beats me." "But it don't beat him." "He has three aces." "He wins." "Three... three aces?" "There it is-- now, you see, I've lost two dollars." "I must go back to camp." "I must have a talk with the chaplain." "Uh, now... now, wait, Clem, wait." "Uh, Jeannie, call room service, order Clem a steak." "He looks hungry." "Steak?" "That's nice!" "There's a few things I want to talk to Mr. Foster about regarding insurance." "Come in here, Mr. Foster." "I just want to tell you about my sister's insur..." "What are you trying to pull?" "I cut the cards!" "For you to win!" "No, no, for him to win!" "The first five games, like always." "Don't worry, we'll get him this time." "Now, look, Chip, if you got any idea of cleaning out this game for yourself, if this is a double cross..." "We been working together for years, Steve!" "Don't forget that." "And then I want some kumquats." "Tell 'em I like 'em..." "Back to the game." "But I didn't..." "And a malted with an egg in it, please." "There you are." "Oh, I don't know why we're playing, I tell you," "'cause I never win." "You'll win this time." "I'm sure you're gonna win." "Say, why don't we Indian wrestle instead." "That would be..." "No, no, no, you can't lose." "All right, ante up a dollar." "I just want to be sociable for one more dollar," "but that's all." "Okay, I'll deal." "Uh." "Oh, give me my fun!" "Oh. (chuckles)" "And away we go!" "Oh, he is funny, that fat chap." "I have kings!" "Uh-huh." "Jeanie, I have three kings!" "Oh, I'm afraid to look at the..." "What was that, Mr. Foster?" "Huh?" "Mr. Foster, you must play this right." "Because that last card belongs here." "You see, I have four kings, but we don't know what that card is, and until..." "He has four aces-- he wins again!" "Four a...!" "Four aces, huh?" "This is your lucky day, huh, Mr. Foster?" "!" "Now, look, I..." "Temper, temper." "Men, this is just a card game." "Soldier, this card game is just beginning." "What do you mean by that?" "I mean that there's a certain pig in here who wants to take it all." "I believe he called you a pig." "And you're gonna teach me how to play, huh, punk?" "I'm gonna teach you a lesson." "Put your money where your mouth is." "Okay." "Ante $50." "You got yourself a player." "I'm in." "All right, give me those cards." "Wait a minute!" "Let the soldier deal." "See how you make out in an honest game." "All right, we'll see." "Deal the cards." "You're high." "Ten dollars!" "I see you." "I'm in." "Still high." "$20!" "I see you." "You're still high." "$30." "In." "$30 and $50 more!" "Wow!" "$30, call and $50, raise!" "I'm in." "I see you." "Pair of tens." "Pair of tens bet." "Check." "Check." "$50!" "$50, and I raise a hundred." "I'm in." "I think he's bluffing." "I see you, wise guy, and you better have better than those tens." "I have-- aces and tens." "Not so fast!" "Three jacks." "Excuse me, please." "Excuse me." "I think when they're all the same color, it's called a "flish" or something." "What is that?" "A flush." "Oh, a "flush."" "The soldier wins!" "Attaboy, soldier." "Would you mind pushing it back this way, please?" "I call with my last hundred." "That cleans me." "I'm in." "Three tens full." "Wait a minute!" "Three queens full." "How about that?" "Excuse, excuse, excuse me." "I believe this is called a "royal flush"?" "The soldier wins." "Good boy, soldier." "Okay, table stakes-- $500." "Here's my IOU." "(Bilko hums)" "Here's mine." "# Do, dah, Council Bluffs... #" "Oh!" "I see." "We're playing for paper?" "Okay, I'm in." "Look, soldier." "You don't understand." "You see, we don't have any cash, so we've got to play for these." "These are IOUs." "Oh." "I may be very dense, but, to me, it still looks like paper." "No, no, no, you see, you have all the money." "We have none." "So we play on trust." "Hmm." "Yeah, you see, you trust us." "I trust you?" "Well, I hardly know you." "All I know about you is you're a couple of card sharks who work Army camps taking over soldiers, huh?" "Oh, a sharpie, huh?" "So that's it." "Let me see, this 500 will go back to Goldman." "This is for the welfare fund." "Say, Jean, I must have you for a steak dinner sometime." "You've been very nice..." "Put the money back on the table and turn around, soldier." "Oh, a gun!" "Say, that's a rare one." "That's a Luger." "You don't see them anymore." "Oh, I've always been interested in guns." "Is that a .38 or a .45?" "I never am sure, but the boys always know." "Boys?" "Is this a Luger?" "No, that's a Hoffmier, 1930." "They don't make them like this." "They don't?" "It's not a Hoffmier!" "It's a Zinger Holstein." "It's not a Zinger Holstein!" "Boys!" "Boys!" "Boys!" "Boys!" "Boys, mind your manners, arguing in front of company." "Doberman, front and center on the double." "(Bilko barking orders)" "I'm sorry." "Here's your $500 and stay out of trouble." "Gee, thanks, Sarge!" "Get out in the hall" "and wait until we call you." "Yeah." "And now, you three sharpies, if I ever see any of your faces anywhere near an Army camp..." "Oh, don't worry, soldier." "He's going right back to Cleveland, where he belongs, to work in a garage." "She's not kidding." "Ah, just stay where you belong." "Trying to be a big shot, oh!" "I wish I could live off you for the rest of my life." "Here." "Here's bus fare back home, and you..." "I'll go pack." "Sarge, what do you want to do with this guy-- the kid with the gun?" "You want to prefer charges against him?" "That's Doberman's beef." "We ought to give Doberman a little something to stand on, on his own, make his own decisions." "Get me Doberman on the double." "Doberman!" "You been seeing too many Humphrey Bogart pictures." "Here he is, Sarge." "Doberman, do you want to prefer charges" "against this man?" "Ah, please, soldier." "The gun wasn't even loaded." "Honest it wasn't." "All right!" "Now, you listen to me." "Get out of my hotel and never come back!" "When he says his "hotel," he means out-- what?" "Out!" "Out of my hotel!" "What do you mean out of your hotel?" "I just met the owner out in the hall." "He sold me the whole thing for $500." "The owner?" "Yeah, he had a little black mustache..." "Hey, Sarge, there he goes!" "(all clamoring)" "Say, when you fellas were last in Allentown," "do you remember a guy called..." "Come on!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Also in tonight's cast:" "Maurice Gosfield was Doberman," "Sally Mansfield played Jean," "Grant Richards was Steve, and Danny Dayton played Chester."