"(horn honking)" "Come on, pick a lane, you jackass!" "Mike, why are you in such a hurry?" "We're having dinner at your mom's house." "You should be trying to drive over nails." "We can't be late now that my mom's dating my boss." "If we're not there on time, it goes on my permanent record." "Well, if it's gonna make you crazy, why'd you accept the invitation in the first place?" "It wasn't an invitation." "It was a direct order." "The captain walked into the locker room and said," ""Biggs, dinner at your mother's house." "Don't be late and for God sakes, cover your privates."" "He saw you naked?" "I just got out of the shower, and you know I like to air dry." "Only too well." "You know, you could have just told him we had other plans." "We do it with your mom all the time." "In fact, isn't tonight our weekly tango lesson?" "You know, we're gonna pay for that one day." "When we least expect it, she's gonna put on a Samba record and say," ""Show me what you got."" "It's the pedal on the right, you idiot!" "Mike, quit yelling at that woman." "She's a poor, old lady with a handicapped sticker." "Well, she got a pretty spry middle finger." "Back at you, Witchy Poo!" "Look, do me a favor." "Just don't butt heads with my mom tonight." "Hey, I have never been anything but sweet to that... let's just say... woman." "I'm sorry, but even Gandhi would take a swing at her." "True, but for the next couple of hours, just try to turn the other cheek." "So, you want me to just sit there while she treats me like some loose whore that stole her son?" "That'd be nice, yeah." "Oh, and tell her she looks pretty, and how much you like her tuna noodle casserole." "Oh, God, tuna noodle casserole again?" "It's her signature dish." "Hey, maybe you could ask her for the recipe." "Or I could just dig the can of Campbell's soup out of the garbage and read the back." "Molly." "Okay." "I will be nice to your mother." "Sweet as pie." "Hey, green means go, you fossil!" "Yeah, I got a middle finger, too!" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love." "Oh, your mother's a hell of a cook, Biggs." "If I'd been raised on this kind of grub," "I'd probably be a roly-poly, too." "I've actually lost another two pounds this month, sir." "Well, hopefully those four helpings of casserole you had will keep the wind from blowing you away." "You know, Captain..." "Molly, he's pulling my leg." "(laughs)" "My big, fat leg." "Let me grab that from you." "You've been slaving away in that hot kitchen all night." "Thank you, Patty." "I am a little tuckered, especially after washing all those dishes, and with no help from anyone." "I believe I offered to lend a hand, Mother Biggs." "I'd just have to rewash 'em anyway." "She's better with a credit card than she is with a sponge." "Boy, she's a keeper, huh?" "Don't let that fish flop out of the boat." "(barks)" "So, Margaret tells me that you young people are trying to start a family." "Ah, that is correct, sir." "We've eliminated all forms of birth control, and we're fornicating on a regular basis." "Wow." "Everybody needed to know that." "Hey, you guys want to see my ovulation charts?" "(laughs)" "(laughs)" "She's... she's kidding around." "Anytime she says something that makes you uncomfortable, she's joking." "Oh." "MOLLY:" "That's me." "Family clown." "Honk." "When I first met her, I thought she was on drugs." "Jury's still out." "Well, I think family is the most important thing in the world." "As long as you can provide for them." "I agree, sir." "We both do." "Sure." "But it's not easy raising a family on a straight cop's salary." "Especially when you've got hungry mouths to feed." "Don't I know it." "Mike's dad walked the beat his entire career." "Meanwhile, we had a kid at home who was teething on ham bones." "Come on, Mom, don't exaggerate." "Exaggerate nothing." "I'd toss burritos in his playpen so he wouldn't chew through the bars." "Um, you might want to consider taking the detective test." "It's an extra $20,000 a year." "Plus, we're always looking for some sharp, young men." "$20,000?" "Sharp, young men?" "20 grand would buy you a lot of shoes, wouldn't it, Queenie?" "Oh, Momma Biggs, I hope our children have plenty of time with you before you pass." "Anyway... something to think about." "Yes, sir. (chuckles)" "(farts) Whoa." "This pooch is breaking wind something fierce." "I better take him for a walk." "Thanks, Patty." "Since I switched him from the dry to the moist, he's been tootin' the brown whistle." "Put your coat on, Biggs." "You're on doodie duty." "Yes, sir." "Be good training for a detective." "Learn how to bag the evidence." "(Peggy laughs)" "Oh, Patty, you're a stitch!" "(laughs)" "(door closes)" "Your boyfriend has a gun, my husband has a gun." "How do you want to play this?" "Thanks for putting up with my mom tonight." "It's all right." "I'm sure the bite marks on my tongue will heal." "(laughs)" "How about when they both came at me to take the detective test?" "Crazy, right?" "I'm not detective material." "Well, clearly your captain sees something in you that you don't." "My captain's sweet on my mom." "He sees things nobody sees." "Mike, you are a great cop and a smart guy." "Plus, an extra $20,000 a year would come in handy." "Do you know what I'd have to do in exchange for that money?" "Detective stuff?" "Exactly." "Plus, they'd make me wear a suit, and tying that tie's gonna add 30 extra minutes to my day." "Well, I think you'd make a great detective." "Remember when somebody stole your ice cream sandwich from the freezer, and you figured out it was Victoria?" "Yeah, that was easy." "Your mother doesn't eat, Vince wasn't home, and there was chocolate around the rim of Victoria's bong." "Case closed." "You know, her big blunder was trying to hide the wrapper under the couch cushion." "But some savvy sleuth knew to look there, didn't he?" "Well, the key is to get inside the criminal's mind." "Think like they think." "And that's where I hide my wrappers." "♪" "♪" "♪" "♪" "Well, as your best friend, I have to tell you, you're not cut out to be a detective." "Really?" "Well, who was the one who found that old lady's cat the other day?" "Oh, come on." "That cat wasn't missing at all." "It was hiding under that batty bitch's housecoat." "Yeah, but who thought to look there?" "Nobody in 50 years." "And just because you heard a meow and saw a little tail flapping... that doesn't mean you're Sherlock Holmes." "Clearly, the captain doesn't share your opinion, because he's the one who suggested that I take the test." "And there it is." "Your future stepfather is gonna pull some strings and push your big ass up the corporate ladder." "Well, it doesn't take a detective to figure out that somebody at this table is a little jealous." "Look, I'm not jealous of you at all;" "And if anyone at this table should be a detective, it should be me." "Samuel, come here." "Come on, Carl, let it go." "And what is the topic of today's pissy bitch fit?" "Let's say you were brutally murdered." "Shot in the head, then dragged into the walk-in freezer, only to be found days later, bloated and frostbitten." "Did I forget your hash browns again?" "'Cause you can just tell me." "Leave me out of this." "Of the two of us, which one would you want investigating your heinous and senseless murder, him or me?" "You two are my only choices?" "Okay, well, between the two of you, I'd have to pick... my ghost." "You can't do that, because your ghost was a witness, and would have seen the whole thing." "Didn't think of that, did you?" "You got me there, Scooby-Doo." "Well, thanks for this fun game of Clue," "Colonel Mustard-On-His-Shirt and Professor Plum Nuts." "You see, what would make his murder a tough case is that everybody who eats here has a motive." "(laughs)" "PATRICK:" "I understand that you're upset," "Mr. Mayor." "Trust me, we've got our best forensics team analyzing the samples." "(knocking)" "As soon as we get the results, we'll be able to narrow in on the perpetrator." "Yes, sir." "Number one priority, Mr. Mayor." "Everything all right, sir?" "Some neighborhood canine has been leaving horse-size piles in front of the mayor's brownstone." "And he makes you deal with it?" "Well, Biggs, with great power comes ridiculous responsibilities." "So, what can I do for you?" "I thought about what you said, and I'm thinking about giving that detective test a shot." "Glad to hear it." "Your mother will be very pleased." "And so you know," "I plan on passing this thing fair and square." "You don't have to offer me any special favors." "Unless that's how it works, and then, I'm no snitch." "If you are insinuating that my relationship with your mother would give you a leg up, you are very much mistaken, sir!" "I didn't mean to imply that, Captain." "There will be no special favors." "In fact, quite the contrary." "Because of your proximity to me, the detective review board will be riding you tighter than your pants!" "So not even a glimpse of the sample test, or a little extra time in case I get stuck?" "No, sirree, Bob." "As a matter of fact, there will probably be a special proctor breathing down your neck the whole time." "Proctor?" "That doesn't sound good." "Is that word gonna be on the test?" "You're gonna have to hunker down and win this job on your own merits." "On my own merits, huh?" "Good, good." "That always works out well." "Geez, it's, uh, warm in here, or is it just me?" "I think it's warm in here because of you." "This makes no sense at all." "Is this even the English edition?" "Sweetie, it's late." "Let's go up to bed." "I'll be up in a little while." "I still got to read a couple chapters." "Oh." "You know, if you get this job, it's gonna speed up the timetable for us moving out." "Let's hope for the best." "That's all we can do." "Yeah, I know." "I'm just saying, we could get a house, start a college fund for the kids..." "Let's not get ahead of ourselves... our kids might be real idiots." "Are you kidding?" "A schoolteacher and a detective?" "We're probably talking medical school." "Medical school?" "How about chiropractors?" "I think you can do that online." "Want to, uh, head upstairs and start working on our first little scholar?" "No, I should probably keep my nose to the grindstone." "Or... you could come up to the bedroom and work on your undercover investigation skills." "N-No." "Molly, come on, I need to study." "I'll let you dust me for prints when we're done." "All right, lady!" "I'm going down to the basement and study." "I can't be a detective and a love machine." "I can't do it!" "I'm just one man!" "I only need the love machine for ten minutes!" "Hey, sweetie, am I gonna see you tonight?" "No, I got to hit the library right after work." "You've been at the library every night this week." "I rarely get to see you anymore." "Well, if I'm gonna be a detective," "I'm gonna have to study." "I know that;" "I just miss my husband." "Molly, if I'm gonna pass this thing, I got to study, and I need all my blood up here." "Well, I wouldn't mind you sending a little down south, if you know what I mean." "Look, I told you last night was a fluke..." "I was tired, I had a heavy meal," "I got a lot of things on my mind." "Plus, it doesn't just pop out like a lightsaber every time you say Obi-Wan Kenobi." "Where the hell is Carl?" "I'm in the kitchen." "How did you not know that, Detective?" "Boy, you really been hitting the books hard lately." "Yeah." "Good to know you can hit something hard." "What?" "Nothing." "Sorry." "I'll let you bone up." "'Cause I'm guessing the competition's gonna be pretty stiff." "You done?" "Let's see." "Hard." "Bone up." "Stiff." "Yep, I'm done." "I got a lot on my mind right now." "I understand." "And it's common for men in high-pressure situations to suffer from erectile dysfunction." "I don't have erectile dysfunction!" "I get it." "Your penis is prioritizing." "It's taking a little break." "You know, pause for the cause." "Your junk is on a junket." "Carl!" "Mm." "You know, even if you make detective, the pressure's just gonna get worse." "I'm just trying to better myself, okay?" "Provide for my wife and future children." "No, that's beautiful." "And with the added salary, you'll have plenty of money for boner pills." "All right, we're done talking!" "Or you can get one of those new penile implants... they're high-tech now." "You can inflate 'em like a bicycle tire." "Can't pump it up at the gas station, though." "I mean, you can, but I wouldn't." "MIKE:" "Hey." "Hey, honey." "Dinner's almost ready." "Not hungry." "Going down to the basement to study." "Mike, you've got to give yourself a break once in a while." "I'm starting to forget what you look like." "If you're having trouble with that, there are four distinctive features on the human face:" "Head shape, eye color, hair color and..." "Damn it, I just a read that!" "I'll bring you down a sandwich later!" "MIKE (calls):" "Scars or tattoos!" "Head shape, eye color, hair color, scars or tattoos!" "Love you!" "Your hard work is gonna pay off!" "I believe in you!" "That poor son of a bitch is falling apart." "Mm." "Yeah, he seems very distracted." "It's probably not the best time to remind him to put the toilet seat down." "Oh, is he back to that?" "I guess the new knowledge pushed the old knowledge out of his head." "Well, all I know is, last night I splashed down" "You know, Mom, some people actually look at things before they sit on them." "Where's the fun in that?" "Mike?" "Sweetie?" "(quietly):" "He's tuckered out from thinking too hard." "I made you a sandwich." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "Just thought you might be hungry." "I can't eat;" "My stomach's in knots." "Listen... if this test is too much for you, you don't have to do it." "I am perfectly happy to be married to the best beat cop in Chicago." "Well, what about the money?" "And we're trying to get our own house and we want to have a kid, and you're probably gonna make him go to college." "Well, none of that is important." "Especially if it's gonna make you miserable." "I don't know if I can do this, Molly." "I'm reading all this stuff, and none of it's sinking in." "Honey, you have worked with detectives for years." "I'll bet you know more than you think you do." "I really don't work with them." "They just tell us guys in uniform to back off, don't step on anything and keep the crowd away." "Well, you can do that." "Yeah, I can do that, but the book says we're supposed to "secure the perimeter," ""establish a chain of command and preserve the integrity of the crime scene."" "You mean tell the regular cops to "back off, don't step on anything, keep the crowds away"?" "Wait, it's the same thing, isn't it?" "That's what I'm hearing." "So maybe if I just take what I already know and..." "Just apply all this technical jargon that you've been reading, and... bim-bam-boom, you're a detective." "It can't be that simple." "Well, hmm, let's see." "Describe one of the last calls you were on." "Uh, an old lady lost her cat, and I found it hiding under her housecoat." "Wow, that's..." "tax dollars well spent." "Um... okay, now-now describe it to me how a detective would." "Um... after weighing the circumstantial evidence," "I ascertained that the victim's feline property was located on her person." "Hell, Johnny Law!" "Son of a gun!" "It's just making stupid stuff sound smart!" "That's how the world goes round." "Thanks, sweetie." "Well, I'll be upstairs." "Let me know if you need anything." "I'll be fine." "Hey, did you know there's a full bathroom and shower down here?" "I may have mentioned that to you a couple of times." "Just keep studying." "(chuckles) And me down here peeing in an empty bleach bottle." "Oh, a pickle." "76 percent!" "You passed!" "Yeah, by two points." "I actually could have missed another question." "So are you a detective now?" "Well, there were only two vacancies, and a lot of guys took the test." "I am, however, 112th on the list." "Take that, 113!" "(laughs)" "I'm thinking by the time our kids start school," "I'll be Detective Michael Biggs." "I am so proud of you." "You rose to the challenge!" "Ah, speaking of which..." "Oh." "It's back." "Yeah." "As soon as I got my score, he was the first to congratulate me." "I'm gonna go upstairs and hide!" "You count to 20 and then try to find me, Detective!" "One, two, three... this is gonna be easy;" "I'm working with a divining rod... four, five, six..."