"we're lucky enough to be talking to Anna Scott," "Hollywood's biggest star by far." "Miss Scott's latest film is once again topping the charts." "Of course I've seen her films... and always thought she was, well, fabulous." "But, you know, a million, million miles from the world I live in... which is here, Notting Hill, my favourite bit of London." "There's the market on weekdays selling every fruit and vegetable known to man." "Rock-hard bananas, five for a pound !" "The tattoo parlour with a guy outside who got drunk... and now can't remember why he chose ""l love Ken.""" "The radical hairdressers... where everyone comes out looking like the Cookie Monster, whether they want to or not." "And then, suddenly, it's the weekend, and from break of day hundreds of stalls appear out of nowhere, filling Portobello Road, right up to Notting Hill Gate." "And wherever you look thousands of people are buying millions of antiques, some genuine and some..." "not quite so genuine." "And what's great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of London." "That's Tony, for example, architect turned chef, who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant." "And so, this is where l spend my days and years... in this small village in the middle of the city in a house with a blue door... that my wife and I bought together before she left me for a man... who looked exactly like Harrison Ford." "And where l lead a strange half-life with a lodger called" "Spike !" "You couldn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you ?" "Important compared to, let's say, whether they cancel Third World debt ?" "That's right. I am at last going out on a date with the great Janine, and I just wanna be sure I've picked the right T-shirt." " What are the choices ?" " Well, wait for it." "First there's this one." "Cool, huh ?" "Yeah, it might make it hard to strike a really romantic note." "Point taken." "Don't despair." "If it's romance we're looking for, I believe I have just the thing." "Yeah, well, there again, she might not think you had true love on your mind." "Right." "Just one more." "True love here I come." "Well, yeah." "Yeah, that's-- that's, um, perfect." "Great." "Thanks." " Wish me luck." " Good luck." "And so it was just another hopeless Wednesday, as I walked the thousand yards through the market to work, never suspecting that this was the day that was gonna change my life forever." "This is work, by the way, my little travel bookshop," " Morning, Martin." " Morning, Monsignor." "which, um, well, sells travel books, and, to be frank with you, doesn't always sell many of those." "Classic." "Profit from major sales push, minus £347." "Shall I, uh, go and get you a cappuccino ?" " You know, ease the pain a bit." " Yeah, yeah." "Better make it a half." "All I can afford." "Get your logic." "Demi-cappu coming right up." "Um, can I help you at all ?" "No, thanks." "I'll just..." "look around." "Fine." "Uh, that book's really not great." "Just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying." "You'd be wasting your money." "But if it's Turkey you're interested in, um, this one, on the other hand, is very good." "Um, I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps." "Um, there's also a very amusing incident with a kebab, um, which is one of many amusing incidents." "Thanks." "I'll think about it." "Or, in the bigger hardback variety, there's-- l'm sorry." "Can you just give me a second ?" "Excuse me." " Yes ?" " Bad news." "What ?" "We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop." "So ?" "So I saw you put that book down your trousers." " What book ?" " The one down your trousers." "I don't have a book down my trousers." "Right." "I tell you what." "Um, I'll call the police, and, um, if I'm wrong about the whole ""book down the trousers"" scenario, I really apologize." "Okay." "What if..." "I did have a book down my trousers ?" "Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan Guide to Bali from your trousers... and either wipe it and put it back or buy it." "I'll see you in a sec." "I'm sorry about that." "No, it's fine." "I was gonna steal one, but now I've changed my mind." "Oh, signed by the author, I see." "Um, yeah, couldn't stop him." "If you can find an unsigned one, it's worth an absolute fortune." "Excuse me." " Yes ?" " Can I have your autograph ?" "Uh, sure." " What's your name ?" " Rufus." "What does it say ?" "That's my signature." "And above it, it says, ""Dear Rufus, you belong in jail.""" "Good one." " Do you want my phone number ?" " Tempting." "But... no." "Thank you." "I will take this one." "Oh, right, right." "So, uh" "Well, on second thoughts, um, maybe it's not that bad after all." "Actually, it's a sort of a classic, really." "None of those childish kebab stories you find in so many books these days." "And, um, I tell you what." "I'll throw in one of those for free." "Useful for, uh, lighting fires, wrapping fish, that sort of thing." " Thanks." " Pleasure." "Cappuccino, as ordered." "Thanks." "I don't think you'll believe who was just in here." "Who ?" "Was it someone famous ?" "Would be exciting, though, wouldn't it, if someone famous came into the shop ?" "Hmm ?" "Do you know-- and this is pretty amazing, actually-- but I once saw Ringo Starr." " Where was that ?" " Kensington High Street." "At least I think it was Ringo." "It might have been that man from Fiddler on the Roof." " You know, Toppy." " Topol." "Yes, that's right." "Topol." "Mm-hmm." "Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't-- doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol." "Yeah, but he was-- he was quite a long way away from me." "So actually it could've been neither of them." "Yes, I suppose so, yes." " lt's not a classic anecdote, is it ?" " Not a classic, no." "No." " Another one ?" " Yes." "No." "Let's go crazy." "I'll have an orange juice." " Oh, my God !" " Bugger !" "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." " Here." "Let me" " Get your hands off !" "I'm really sorry." "l-- l live just over the street." "I have, um, water and soap." "You can get cleaned up." "No, thank you." "I just need to get my car back." "I also have a phone." "I'm confident that in five minutes... we could have you spick-and-span and back on the street again." "In the non-prostitute sense, obviously." "All right." "Well" " What do you mean, ""just over the street"" ?" " Give it to me in yards." " Uh, 18 yards." "That's my house there with the blue front door." "Come on in." "I'll just-- l'll just" "Um, right." "Right." "Come in." "It's, um, not quite as tidy as it normally is, I fear." "But, um-- The bathroom's on the top floor." "And the telephone's just-- just up here." "Here." "Let" " Let me, um" "Um, round the corner." "Straight on-- straight on up." "Bugger." "Would you like a cup of tea before you go ?" " No." " Coffee ?" " No." " Orange juice ?" "Probably not." "Um, something else cold." "Coke ?" "Water ?" "Some disgusting sugary drink... pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest ?" " No." " Would you like something to eat ?" "Uh, something to nibble ?" "Um, apricots soaked in honey ?" "Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting of apricots... and makes them taste like honey, and if you wanted honey, you'd just buy honey instead of... apricots." "Um, but nevertheless, there we go there." "They're yours if you want them." "Do you always say ""no"" to everything ?" "I'd better be going." "Thanks for your, uh, help." "You're welcome." "And, uh, may I also say, um, heavenly." "I'll just take my one chance to say it." "After you've read that terrible book, you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Well, my pleasure." "So... it was nice to meet you." "Surreal but, um-- but nice." "Sorry." """Surreal but nice"" ?" "What was I thinking ?" " l forgot my other bag." " Oh, right." "Right." "Thanks." "I'm very sorry about the ""surreal but nice"" comment." " Disaster." " That's okay." "I thought the apricot and honey thing was the real low point." "Oh, my God." "My flatmate." "I'm sorry." "There's no excuse for him." "I'm just going into the kitchen to get some food." "Then I'm gonna tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins." "Probably best not to tell anyone about this." "Right." "Right." "No one." "I mean, I'll tell myself sometimes." "But don't worry." "I won't believe it." "There's something wrong with this yogurt." "It's not yogurt." "It's mayonnaise." "Oh, right." "There we are then." "On for a videofest tonight ?" "I got some absolute classics." " Smile." " No." " Smile." " l've got nothing to smile about." "Okay." "In about seven seconds, I'm going to ask you to marry me." "Imagine." "Somewhere in the world there's a man who's allowed to kiss her." "Yes, she is, uh, fairly fabulous." " Do you have any books by Dickens ?" " No." "No, I'm afraid we're a travel bookshop." "We only sell travel books." "Oh, right." "How about the new John Grisham thriller ?" "Well, no, 'cause that's, uh-- that's a novel too, isn't it ?" "Oh, right." "Have you got Winnie the Pooh ?" "Martin, your customer." "Uh, can I help you ?" "Just, um, incidentally, uh, why..." "are you wearing that ?" "Combination of factors really." "Uh, no clean clothes." "There never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes." "Right." "Vicious circle." "And I was, like, rooting around in your things... and I found this, and I thought ""cool.""" "Kinda... spacey." "There's something wrong with the goggles, though." "No, they were, um, prescription." "Groovy." "So I could see all the fishes properly." "You should do more of this stuff." " So, look, any messages today ?" " Yeah, I wrote a couple down." "So there were two." "There were two messages ?" "Right ?" "You want me to write down all your messages ?" "Okay, who are the ones that you didn't write down from ?" "No." "Gone completely." "Oh, no." "There was one from your mum." "She said don't forget lunch, and her leg's hurting again." " No one else ?" " Absolutely no one else." "Though if we're going for this obsessive writing down all the message thing, some American girl called Anna called a few days ago." " What did she say ?" " Well, it was genuinely bizarre." "She said, ""Hi. lt's Anna."" Then she said, ""Call me at The Ritz""... and then gave herself a completely different name." " Which was ?" " Absolutely no idea." "Remembering one name's hard enough." "No, l-- l know that." "She" " She said that." "Um, I know she's using another name." "The problem is she left the message with my flatmate... which was a very serious mistake." "Um, I don't know. imagine, if you will, the stupidest person you've ever met." " Are you doing that ?" " Yes, sir, I have him in my mind." "And now double it." "And that is the, um-- what can I say-- the git that I am living with." "And he can't remember" " Try Flintstone." " l'm sorry, what ?" "I think she said her name was Flintstone." "I don't-- l don't suppose, um, Flintstone rings any bells, does it ?" " Oh, I'll put you right through, sir." " Oh, my God." "Hello." "Hi." " Hi there." " Hello ?" " Sorry. lt's William..." "Thacker." " Yes ?" "Um, we-- l work in a bookshop." "Oh, no, I promise you I've never played anything cool in my entire life." "My flatmate, who'll I'll stab to death later, never gave me the message." "I don't know." "Perhaps, um, I could drop round for tea later or something." "Right." "Right." "Great." "Classic." "Classic." " Which floor ?" " Three, please." "Uh, are you sure this is" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Sure." " Hi." "Hi. I'm Karen." " Hi." "I'm sorry." "Things are running a little bit late." "Here's the, uh, thing." "Do you wanna come this way ?" "Through here." "So what did you think of the film ?" "Yeah, I thought it was fantastic." "I thought it was, uh," "Close Encounters meets Jean de Florette." "I agree." "I'm sorry. I didn't get down what magazines you're from." " Time Out." " Great." "And you're from ?" "Horse  Hound." "The name's William Thacker. I think, actually, she might be expecting me." "Oh, okay." "Take a seat and I'll go check." "I see you've, uh-- l see you've brought her some flowers." "These are for my, um, grandmother." "She's in a hospital just down the road." "Thought I'd kill two birds with one stone, you know." "Sure, right." "Absolutely." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Which hospital's that ?" "Do you mind me not saying ?" "It's a rather distressing disease." "Name of the hospital kind of gives it away." "Right, uh, Mr Thacker." "Will you come this way." "Right." "You've got five minutes." " Hi." " Hello." "Uh, I brought these, but clearly" "No, they're great." "They're great." "Ah, listen, I'm sorry about not ringing back." "The whole ""two-names concept""... was totally too much for my flatmate's pea-sized intellect." "No, it's a stupid privacy thing." "I always pick a... cartoon character." "Last time I was Mrs Bambi." " Everything all right ?" " Yes, thank you." "And you're from, uh, Horse  Hound." "is that so ?" "Well." "So, uh" "Uh, I'll just... fire away then, shall I ?" "Right." "The film's great, and, um, I just was wondering whether... you ever thought of having, um, more, uh, horses in it." "Uh, well, we would have liked to, but it was, um, difficult, obviously, being set in space." "Space, right, yeah." "Yeah, obviously very difficult." "I'm so sorry." "I arrived outside." "They thrust this thing into my hand" "No, it's my fault." "I thought this would all be over by now." "I just wanted to sort of apologize for the kissing thing." "I seriously don't know what came over me." "And I just wanted to make sure that you were fine about it." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Absolutely fine." "Do remember that Miss Scott is also keen to talk about her next project... which is, um, shooting later in the summer." "Ah, yes, excellent." "Excellent." "Any horses in that one ?" "Or hounds for that matter." "Our readers are equally intrigued by both species." "It takes place on a submarine." "Oh." "Well, bad luck." "But, um, if there were horses in it, would you be riding them... or would you be getting, a-- a stunt-horse-double-man-thing ?" "l-l'm a complete moron." "I apologize. l" "This is very weird. lt's the sort of thing that happens in dreams, not in real life." "I mean, good dreams." "It's a-- lt's a dream, in fact, uh, to see you again." "What happens next in the dream ?" "I suppose in the, uh, dream-- dream scenario-- l just, uh, change my personality... because you can do that in dreams and, um," "walk over and, uh, kiss the girl." "But, uh" "Time's up, I'm afraid." "Did you get what you wanted ?" " Um, nearly, nearly." " Well, maybe just one last question." " Sure." " Right, right." "Are you... busy tonight ?" " Yes." " Right." "Right." " Come in." " Well, it was nice to meet you." "Yes, and you." "Surreal... but nice." "Thank you." "You are Horse  Hound's favourite actress." "You and Black Beauty... tied." "How was she ?" "Oh, um, fabulous." "Excellent." "Wait a minute." "She took your grandmother's flowers." "Uh, yeah, yeah." "That's right." " Bitch." " Oh, Mr Thacker." "Mr Thacker, if you'd like to come with me, we can rush you through the others." "The others ?" "Mr Thacker is from Horse  Hound." " How's it going ?" " Very well, thank you." "Have a seat." "Well, did you enjoy the film ?" "Yes, enormously." " Well, fire away." " Right." "Did you enjoy making the film ?" " Yes, I did." " Good." "Any bit in particular ?" "You tell me what bit you enjoyed the most, and I'll tell you if I enjoyed making that bit." "Uh, I... liked the bit in space... very much." "Did you identify with the character you're playing ?" "Oh." "Why not ?" "Because he's playing a psychopathic flesh-eating robot." "Classic." "So, uh, is this your first film ?" "No. lt's my 22nd." "Of course it is." "Any favourites among the 22 ?" "Working with Leonardo." " Da Vinci ?" " DiCaprio." "Of course." "And is-- is he your favourite Italian director ?" " Mr Thacker." " Oh, no." " Have you got a minute ?" " No." "Um" " Yeah, so the, um-- the-- the thing I was doing tonight, I'm not doing any more." "I told them I had to spend the evening... with Britain's premier equestrian journalist." "Oh." "Well, great." "Fantastic." "That's, uh" "Oh." "Shittity brickitty." "It's my sister's birthday." "Shit." "We're meant to be having dinner." " Okay, that's fine." " No. I'm sure I can get out of it." "No, I mean, if it's fine with you, I'll be your date." "You-- You'll be my date... to my little sister's birthday party ?" " lf it's all right." " Well, yeah, I'm sure it's all right." "My friend Max is cooking, and he is generally acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world." "But, um, you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something." " Okay." " Okay." " He's bringing a girl ?" " Miracles do happen." " Does the girl have a name ?" " Don't know." "Wouldn't say." "Oh, Christ !" "What is going on in there ?" "Oh, God !" "Hi." "Come on in." "Vague food crisis." "Hiya !" "Sorry." "The guinea fowl is proving more complicated than expected." " He's cooking guinea-fowl ?" " Don't even ask." "Good Lord, you're the spitting image of" "Bella, this is Anna." " Right." " Okay, crisis over." "Max, this is Anna." " Hi." " Hello, Anna" "Scott." "Have some wine." "Thank you." "I'll get it." "Red or white ?" " Oh." "Hey." " Hi." " Oh, yes, happy birthday." " Thank you." "Look, your brother's brought this girl." "Hi, guys." "Oh, holy fuck !" "Hon, this is Anna." "Anna, this is Honey." "She's my baby sister." "Oh." "Hi." "Oh, God." "This is one of those key moments in life... when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool... and l-- l'm going to fail just a hundred percent." "l-- l absolutely, totally and utterly adore you." "And I just think... you are the most beautiful woman in the world." "And, more importantly, I genuinely believe, and I've believed for some time now, that we could be best friends." "So what do you think ?" "Uh, lucky me." "Well, happy birthday." "Oh, you gave me a present." "We're best friends already then." "Marry Will." "He's a really nice guy." "Then we can be sisters." "Well, I'll think about it." "That'll be Bernie." " Hi." " Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "Bollocksed up at work again, I fear." " Millions down the drain." " Well done." " Bernie, this is Anna." " Hello, Anna." "Delighted to meet you." "And you." "Honey bunny, Happy birthday to you" " Hi, Bella." " Hi." "Um, it-- it-- it's a hat." "You don't have to wear it or anything." " Hi, Will." " Hi." " Hi." " What ?" " Wine, Bernie ?" " Mm." "You haven't slept with her, have you ?" "That is a cheap question, and the answer is, or course, no comment." " No comment means ""yes.""" " No, it doesn't." " Do you ever masturbate ?" " Definitely no comment." " You see, it means ""yes.""" " Oh, my God !" "So, uh, tell me, um, Anna, what do you do ?" " l'm an actress." " Oh, splendid." "What do you do ?" "I'm actually in the stock market myself, so, uh, not really similar fields." "Though, um-- um, I have done the odd bit of amateur stuff." "Um-- uh, P. G. Wodehouse." "Farce, all that, you know." """Careful there, Vicar.""" "Always imagined it's a pretty tough job, though, acting." " The wages are a scandal, aren't they ?" " They can be." "I see friends from university-- clever chaps." "Been in the business longer than you." "They're scraping by on seven, eight thousand a year." "You know, it's no life." " What sort of acting do you do ?" " Films, mainly." "Oh, splendid." "Oh, well done." "How's the pay in movies ?" "I mean, last film you did, what did you get paid ?" "Fifteen million dollars." "Right." "So that's, well, fairly good." "Right, I think we're ready." "Bella, can you tell me where l can find" "Oh, sorry." "It's down the corridor on the right." "I'll show you." "Quickly, quickly." "Talk very, very quickly." "What are you doing here with Anna Scott ?" " Anna Scott ?" " Yes." "Shut up !" " What, the film star ?" " Shh !" " Oh, God !" " What ?" " Oh, God." "Oh, goddy God." " What did you say to her ?" "I don't believe it." "I actually walked into the loo with her." "I was still chatting when she started unbuttoning her jeans." " She had to ask me to leave." " Oh, God." "So you knew who she was ?" "Of course I did, but he didn't." "Well, not instantly, but l-- l-- l got away with it." " What do you think of the guinea-fowl ?" " l'm a vegetarian." "Oh, God." "So, how's the guinea-fowl ?" "Best guinea-fowl I've ever tasted." "Having you here, Anna, firmly establishes what I've long suspected-- that we really are the most desperate lot of underachievers." " Shame." " l'm not saying it's a bad thing." "In fact, I think it's something we should take pride in." "I'm gonna give the last brownie as a prize... to the saddest act here." " Uh-oh." " Bern." "Yeah, all right." "Well, obviously, it's me, isn't it ?" "I mean, I work in the city in a job I don't understand, and everyone keeps getting promoted above me." "I haven't had a girlfriend since-- well, since puberty." "And... nobody fancies me." "And if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will." " Nonsense. I fancy you." " Really ?" "Yeah." "Or I did before you got so fat." "You see." "And unless I'm much mistaken, your job still pays you rather a lot of money... whilst Honey here earns 20 pence a week... flogging her guts out in London's worst record store." "Yes !" "And I haven't got hair." "I've got feathers." "And I've got funny goggly eyes." "And I'm attracted to cruel men." "And, actually, no one will marry me... because, um, my boosies have actually started shrinking." " You see, it's incredibly sad." " But on the other hand, her best friend is Anna Scott." "That's true. I can't deny it." "She needs me." "What can I say ?" "And most of her limbs work, whereas I'm stuck in this thing day and night, in a house full of ramps." "And to add insult to serious injury, I've totally given up smoking, my favourite thing." "And, um, well, the truth is, we can't have a baby." "Oh, Belle." "C'est la vie." "Still, um, we're lucky in lots of ways." "But surely that's worth a brownie." "Well, I don't know." "Look at William." " Very unsuccessful professionally." " That's true." "Divorced." "Used to be handsome, now kind of squidgy round the edges." "And absolutely certain never to hear from Anna again..." " once she's heard that his nickname at school was" " Floppy." "You did." "I can't believe it, you did." "Thanks very much." "Thank you." "Well, at least I get the last brownie." "I think so, yes." "Well, wait." "What about me ?" "I'm sorry ?" "You think you deserve the brownie ?" "Well, a shot at it at least, huh ?" "You'll have to prove it." "This is a very, very good brownie." "I'm gonna fight for it." "I've been on a diet every day since I was 19, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade." "I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me." "Uh, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment." "And... it's taken two rather painful, um, operations... to get me looking like this." " Really ?" " Really." "And one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act, and I will become some sad, middle-aged woman... who..." "looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while." "No, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone." "Pathetic effort to hog the brownie." " Thank you for such a terrific time." " l'm delighted." " That's a great tie." " Now you're lying." "Okay, it's true." "I told you I was bad at acting." " lt was lovely to meet you." " Yeah, and you." "And you." "I'll wait until you've gone before I tell him you're a vegetarian." " Good night." " l'm so sorry about the loo thing." "I meant to leave." "I just" "Ring me if you want someone to go shopping with." "I know lots of nice, cheap places, not that money is necessarily-- lt was just so nice to meet you." " Happy birthday." "You're my style guru." " Thank you." " Sorry." "Can I just" " Oh." " Thanks." " Leave her." " Good night, everyone." " Bye." "Max, Belle, we'll see you in a couple of days." " Thank you, everybody." "Call us." " Bye, guys." " Bye, Anna." " Love your work." "Bye, Hon." "Sorry." "They always do that when I leave the house." "It's a stupid thing." "I hate it." " ""Floppy,"" huh ?" " lt's the hair." " Mm-hmm." " lt's to do with the hair." "Why is she in a wheelchair ?" "Uh, because she had an accident about 18 months ago." "And the pregnancy thing, is that to do with the accident ?" "You know, I'm not sure." "I don't think they tried for kids before, as fate would have it." "Do you want to, um" "My place is just, um" "Too complicated." "That's fine." "Busy tomorrow ?" " l thought you were leaving tomorrow." " l was." "All these streets round here have... these mysterious communal gardens in the middle of them." " They're like little villages." " Let's go in." "Ah, no, that's the point." "They're private villages." "Only the people who live round the edges are allowed in." "Oh." "You abide by rules like that ?" "I don't." "No, no." "But others do." "I just do what I want." "Um" " Right." "Whoopsidaisies." "What did you say ?" " Nothing." " Yes, you did." " No, I didn't." " You said, ""Whoopsidaisies.""" "No one says, ""Whoopsidaisies,"" do they ?" "I mean, unless they're" "There is no ""unless."" Because no one has said ""Whoopsidaisies"" for 50 years." "And even then it was-- it was just little girls with blonde ringlets." "Exactly." "Right." "So here we go again." "Oh !" "Oh !" "Whoopsidaisies." "Yeah, well, it's a disease." "It's a clinical thing." "I'm taking pills and having injections." "And I'm told it won't last long." " Okay, stand aside." " l don't think that's a good idea." "Really, it's quite, um, tricky." "Anna." "Anna, don't. lt's harder than it-- No, it's not. lt's easy." "Come on, Flopsy." "Right." "All right." "Oh, bugger." "Oh, God, this could be very unpleasant." "Ay !" "Bugger, bugger." "Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile ?" "Nice garden." """For June who loved this garden." "From Joseph who always sat beside her."" "Some people do spend their whole lives together." "Come and sit with me." "Bollocks !" "Bollocks !" " Have you seen my glasses ?" " No, afraid not." "Big, big bollocks !" "Average day, my glasses are everywhere." "Everywhere I look there's a pair of glasses." "But when I want to go to the cinema, they've vanished." "It's one of life's real cruelties." "That's compared to, like, earthquakes in the Far East or testicular cancer, is it ?" "Oh, shit." "is that the time ?" "Thanks for all your help on the glasses thing." "Oh, you're welcome." "Did you find them ?" " Sort of." " Great." "So who left who ?" " Uh, she left me." " Why ?" " She saw through me." " Uh-oh." "That's not good." "You can give me Anna Scott any day." "I didn't like her last film." "Fell asleep as soon as the lights went down." "I don't really care what the film's like." "Any film with her in, it's fine by me." "She's not my type at all." "I prefer the other one." "You know, blonde, sweet-looking." "You know, what's-her-name." "Has an orgasm every time you take her out for a cup of coffee." "Meg Ryan." "No, she's too wholesome." "The point about Miss Scott is... she's got that twinkle in her eyes." "Probably drug-induced." "Spends most of her life in bloody rehab." "Well, whatever." "She's so clearly up for it." "You see, most girls, they're all like, ""Stay away, chum.""" "But Anna, she is absolutely gagging for it." "Do you know that in over 50°% of the languages, the word for ""actress"" is the same as the word for ""prostitute"" ?" "Where did you get that from ?" "And Anna is your definitive actress, someone really filthy you can just flip over and start again." " Right, that's it." "Sorry." " No, no." "There's really no point." "Um, sorry-- sorry to disturb you guys." " But, um" " Can I help ?" "Well, yeah. I wish I hadn't overheard your conversation, but I did." "And, um, I just think, you know, the person you're talking about is a real person." "And I think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration... rather than having jerks like you drooling over her." "Oh, sod off, mate." "What are you, her dad ?" " l'm sorry." " No, I love that you tried." "Time was I'd have done the same thing." "In fact" "Hi." "Oh, my God." "I just wanted to apologize for my friend." "He's very sensitive." "Uh, look, I'm sorr" "No, no, leave it. lt's, you know-- l'm sure you didn't mean any harm." "I'm sure it was just friendly banter." "I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts." "Enjoy your dinner." "The tuna's really good." "I shouldn't have done that." "I shouldn't have done that." " No, you were brilliant." " l'm rash and I'm stupid." "What am I doing with you ?" "Uh, I don't know, I'm afraid." "I don't either." "Here we are." "Yes." " Well, look" " Do you wanna come up ?" "Well, there seems to be..." "lots of reasons why I shouldn't, so" "There are lots of reasons." "Do you wanna come up ?" "Give me five minutes ?" "To be able to do that is such a wonderful thing." " You've got to go." " Why ?" "Because my boyfriend who was in America is, in fact, now in the next room." " Boyfriend ?" " Yes." " Baby, who is it ?" " Uh, it's, uh" " Uh" " Uh, room service." "Oh." "How you doing ?" "I thought you guys always wore those, uh, penguin coats." "Usually we do." "But I was just, uh-- just changed to go home." "And, um, then I thought I'd take this final call." "Oh, great. lf you don't mind, I would like something too." "Could you bring me up some really, really cold water ?" "I'll see what I can do." " Still, not sparkling." " Absolutely. lce-cold still water." "Unless it's illegal in the U.K. to serve beverages below room temperature." "I wouldn't want you going to jail just to satisfy my whim, now." " No, I'm sure it's fine." " Thank you." "Hey, one more thing." "Could you adios these dirty dishes and take out that trash too ?" " Uh" " Right." "No." "No." "Um, don't-- don't-- don't do that." "I don't think it's his job to clear." "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "What's your name, man ?" "Bernie." "Oh, listen, Bernie." "Thank you." "I really appreciate it." "Hey, you." "So, tell me." "Tell me, tell me." "Good surprise or nasty surprise ?" " Good surprise." " Oh, you're such a liar." "She hates surprises." "Hey, what are you gonna order ?" " Huh ?" " From him." "What are you gonna order ?" "Um, I haven't decided yet." "Oh, well, don't overdo it." "I don't want people saying, ""There goes that famous actor with the big, fat girlfriend.""" "I should leave." "This is a fairly strange reality to be faced with." "I'm so sorry." "I don't know... what to say." "Well, I think, um," """goodbye"" is traditional." "Come on." "Open up." "This is me." "Spikey." "I'm in contact with some quite important spiritual vibrations." "Come on." "Hit me with it." " There's this girl" " Aha." "See, I been gettin' a female vibe." "Good." "Speak on, dear friend." "She's someone who... can't be mine, and, uh," "it's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again." "I've opened Pandora's box and there's trouble inside." "Yeah." "Tricky." "Tricky." "I knew a girl at school called Pandora." "Never got to see her box or" "Right." "Right." "Thanks." "That's very helpful." "You didn't know she had a boyfriend ?" "Why ?" "Did you ?" "Oh, bloody hell." "I don't believe it." "My whole life ruined because I don't read Hello magazine." "Let's face facts." "This was always a no-win situation." "Anna's... a goddess." "You know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods." " Buggered, is it ?" " Every time." "But don't despair. I think I have the solution to your problems." " Really ?" " Mm-hmm." "Her name is Tessa." "She works in the Contracts Department." "The hair, I admit, is unfashionably frizzy, but she's bright as a button and kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row." "Apparently." "Now... try." "I got completely lost." "It's very difficult, isn't it ?" "Everything's got the word ""Kensington"" in it." "Kensington Park Road." "Kensington Garden." "Kensington bloody Park Garden." " Tessa, this is Bella, my wife." " Hello." " You're in a wheelchair." " That's right." "And this is William." " Hello, William." " Hi." " Max has told me everything about you." " Has he ?" "Oh, yes." "You are a naughty boy." " Wine ?" " Oh, yes, please." "Come on, Willie." "Let's get sloshed." " Red or white ?" " Red." "Keziah." " Some woodcock ?" " No, thank you. I'm a fruitarian." "What is a fruitarian, exactly ?" "We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings, so we think cooking is cruel." "We only eat things that have actually fallen from the tree or bush, that are, in fact, dead already." "Ah." "Oh, right." "Right." "So, um, these carrots ?" " Have been murdered, yes." " Murdered." "Poor old carrots." "That's" "That's beastly." "Delicious coffee." "I'm sorry about the lamb." "No. I thought it was..." "really, you know, interesting." "Interesting means inedible." "Really inedible." "Yes, you're right." "Well, maybe we'll meet again." "Yeah, yeah." "That would be, uh-- be great." "Bye." "Well ?" "Perfect." "Absolutely perfect." "And ?" "I think you've forgotten what an unusual situation you two have." "To find someone you actually..." "love, who'll love you." "The chances are always minuscule." "Look at me." "Apart from the American, I've only loved two girls, both total disasters." " That's not fair." " One of them marries me, then leaves me... faster than you can say ""Indiana Jones.""" "And the other-- who seriously ought to have known better-- casually marries my best friend." " She still loves you, though." " ln a depressingly asexual way." "I never fancied you much, actually." "Oh, God." "I loved you." "You were terribly funny, but... all that kissing my ears." "I don't believe it." "This is just getting worse." "I shall find myself 30 years from now still sitting on this sofa." " Do you wanna stay ?" " Yeah." "Why not ?" "All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman." "Here we go." " Good night." " Night." " See you." " Right." "Guilty." "Very, very guilty." "So it seems." "Hi." "Can I come in ?" "Come in." "They were taken years ago." "I know it was" "But I was poor and-- lt happens a lot." "That's not an excuse." "I just" "But to make matters worse, it now appears as though... someone was filming me as well." "So what was a stupid photo shoot... now looks like a porn film." "The pictures have been sold and they're just... everywhere." "I didn't know where to go." "The hotel's surrounded." "I know it's been months, but" "This is the place." "Thank you." "I'm just in London... for two days, but what with your papers, it's the worst place to be." "These pictures are just so horrible, and they're so grainy." "It makes me look like" "Don't think about it." "We'll sort it out." "What would you like ?" "Tea ?" "Bath ?" "A bath would be great." "Oh, Christ alive !" "Brilliant." "Fantastic." "Magnificent." "You must be Spike." " Hi." " Just... checkin'." "Thank you, God." "I'm really sorry about last time." " Oh" " He just flew in." " l had no idea." " All right." "In fact, I had no idea if he was ever gonna fly in again." "It's not often one has the opportunity to adios... the plates of a major Hollywood film star." "It was, um-- lt was thrilling for me." "So how is he ?" "I don't know." "It just got to the point... where l couldn't remember any of the reasons why we were together." "And you and love ?" "Oh, well, there's a question, um, without an interesting answer." "I have thought about you." " Oh." " lt's just that... any time I've tried to keep... anything normal with a person that was... normal, it's just been a disaster." "Listen, I appreciate that." "Absolutely." "So what is that, a film you're doing ?" "Um, start in L.A. on Tuesday." "Would you like me to take you through your lines ?" "Would you ?" "'Cause it's all talk, talk, talk." "Hand it over." "Right." "Um, basic plot ?" "I'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer... who in about 20 minutes is gonna save the world from nuclear disaster." "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "Well done, you." """Message from Command." "Would you like them to send in the H.K.'s ?""" "No." "Turn over four T.R.S.'s and tell them we need radar feedback... before the K.F.T.'s return at 1900." "Then inform the Pentagon we'll need Black Star cover from 1000 through 1215." "And if you say one word about how many mistakes I made in that speech, I'll pelt you with olives." " Very well, Captain." "I'll pass that on straightaway." " Thank you." " How many mistakes did I make ?" " Eleven." " Damn it." "And Wainwright" " Cartwright." "Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever your name is, I promised little Jimmy I'd be home for his birthday, so could you get a message to him that I may be late." "Certainly." "And, uh, little Johnny ?" " My son's name is Johnny ?" " Yep." " Then get a message to him too." " l'll do what I can, Captain, but I can't promise anything." "And Cartwright goes." " What do you think ?" " Gripping. lt's not Jane Austen." "It's not Henry James, but it's... gripping." " Think I should do Henry James instead?" " You would be brilliant." "But this writer-- writers-- they're pretty damn good too." "You never get anyone on Wings of the Dove saying," """inform the Pentagon we need Black Star cover.""" "For me the book is the poorer for it." "I can't believe you have that picture." "You like Chagall ?" "I do. lt feels like how love should be-- floating through a dark blue sky." "With a goat, playing a violin." "Well, yes." "Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat." "You have big feet." "Yes." "Yes, always have had." "You know what they say about men with big feet." "No." "What's that ?" "Uh, big feet, large... shoes." "The thing that is so irritating... is that now I'm so fierce when it comes to nudity clauses." "You actually have... clauses in your contract about nudity ?" "Definitely." """You may show the dent of the top of the artist's buttocks, but neither cheek.""" "Or if there's a stunt bottom being used..." """artist must have full consultation.""" " You have a stunt bottom ?" " l could have a stunt bottom, yes." "Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?" "Yeah. I would." "This is important stuff." "It's one hell of a job, isn't it ?" "What do you put on your passport ?" """Profession:" "Mel Gibson's bottom.""" "Actually, Mel does his own ass work." " Right." " Why wouldn't he ?" " Absolutely." " lt's delicious." "What, the ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom ?" "Both." "Equally." "But you wouldn't necessarily lick both ?" "Well, this is tart." "And fuzz-free." "And, uh" "Bedroom." "There's clean sheets." "Today's been a good day, which in the circumstances is... unexpected." "Thank you." "Anyway, um, time for bed." "Or sofa bed." "Good night." "Good night." "Oh, my God." "Hello ?" "Hello." "Spike." "l wonder if I could have a little word." " Right." " l don't want to interfere or anything, but she's just split up from her boyfriend, right ?" " Maybe." " And she's in your house." " Yes." " And you get on very well." " Yes." " Well, isn't this, perhaps, a nice opportunity to... slip her one." "Spike, for God's sakes." "She's in trouble." "Get a grip." "You think it's the wrong moment." "Fair enough." " Do you mind if I have a go ?" " Spike !" " Okay." " l'll talk to you in the morning." "Okay." "Might be too late, but okay." "Please, sod off." " Okay." "All right." " No." "No, no !" "Wait !" "I thought you were, um, someone else." "I thought you were Spike." "I'm thrilled that you're not." "Wow." "What ?" "Nothing." "It does strike me as, well, surreal that I'm allowed to see you naked." " You and every person in this country." " l'm sorry." "What is it about men and nudity, huh ?" "Particularly breasts." " How can you be so interested in them ?" " Well" "But, seriously, they're just breasts." "Every second person in the world has them." "More than that, when you think about it." "Meat Loaf has a very nice pair." "But they're odd-looking." "They're for milk." "Your mother has them." "You've seen a thousand of them." "What's all the fuss about ?" "Actually, I can't think what it is, really." "Let me just have a quick look." "Nope, nope." "Beats me." "Rita Hayworth used to say," """They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me.""" " Who was Gilda ?" " Her most famous part." "Men went to bed with the dream, and they didn't like it when they woke up with the reality." "Do you feel that way ?" "You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been." "I'll be right back." "Breakfast in bed." " Oh." " Or it's brunch or lunch or something." "My God." "Can I stay a bit longer ?" "Stay forever." "Okay." "Oh." "Forgot the jam." "I'll get the jam, you get the door." "Jesus Christ." "What ?" "What is it ?" " Nothing, really." " You're up to something." "Anna, no, please !" "My God." "And they got a picture of you dressed like that." "Yes." "Undressed like this, yeah." " Morning, darling ones." " lt's me." "The press are here." "No, there are hundreds of them." "My brilliant plan was not so brilliant. I know." "I know. I know." "Just get over here." "Damn it." " Um, I wouldn't go outside." " Why not ?" " Just take my word for it." " Oh." "How did I look ?" "Not bad." "Not at all bad." "Well-chosen briefs, I'd say." "Chicks love grey." "Nice firm buttocks." "How are you doing ?" "How do you think I'm doing ?" " l don't know what happened." " l do." "Your furry friend thought he'd make a buck telling the papers where l was." " That's not true." " Really ?" "The entire British press got up this morning and thought, ""l know where Anna Scott is." "She's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill."" "Then you go out in your goddam underwear !" "l went out in my goddam underwear too." "Get out !" "Sorry." " l'm so sorry." " This is such an unbelievable mess." "I come to you to protect myself against more crappy gossip, and now I've landed in it all over again." "For God's sake, I've got a boyfriend !" " You have ?" " As far as they're concerned I do." "And now, tomorrow there'll be pictures of you in every newspaper from here to Timbuktu !" "I know that, but..." "just let's stay calm." "You stay calm !" "This is a perfect situation for you, isn't it?" "Minimum input, maximum publicity." "Everywhere you go, people will say, ""Well done, you." "You slept with that actress." "We saw the pictures."" " That is spectacularly unfair." " That's yours." "Maybe it'll even help business." "Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy that screwed Anna Scott." "Stop !" "Stop !" "I beg you !" "Calm down." "How about a cup of tea ?" "I don't want a goddam cup of tea." "I just wanna go home." "Spike, see who that is, and put some clothes on, for God's sake." "Looks like a chauffeur to me." "Spike owes you an expensive dinner or holiday, depending who's got the brains to get the going rate on betrayal." "That is not true." "Wait a minute." "This is crazy behaviour." "Can't we just laugh about all this ?" "Seriously. ln the huge sweep of things, this stuff doesn't matter." "What he's gonna say next is there's people starving in the Sudan." "Well, there are, and we don't have to go anywhere near that far." "My best friend slipped down stairs, cracked her back... and she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life." "All I'm asking for is a normal amount of perspective." "You're right." "Of course, you're right." "It's just that I've dealt with this garbage for ten years." "You've had it for ten minutes." "Our perspectives are very different." "Today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's wastepaper bin." " Excuse me ?" " You know." "It's just one day." "Tomorrow, today's papers will all have been thrown out." "You really don't get it." "This story will be filed." "Every time anyone writes anything about me, they'll dig up these photos." "Newspapers last forever." "I'll regret this forever." "Right." "Right." "I will feel the opposite, if that's okay by you, and, uh, always be glad that you..." "came to stay." "But, um, you're probably right." "You better go." "Was it you ?" "I may have told a few people down at the pub." "Right." "Have I got something for you." "Something which will make you love me so much, you will want to hug me every day for the rest of my life." "Blimey." "What is it ?" "Phone number of Anna Scott's agent in London... and her agent in New York." "Listen, you think about her all the time." "Now you can ring her." "Yeah." "Brilliant." "Thanks." "I'll see you tonight." "Hey, Marty." "Ooh !" "Sexy cardi." "Shh !" "Hello !" "I have a little speech to make." "I won't stand up because I can't... be bothered." "Exactly a year ago today, this man here started the finest restaurant in London." " Hear, hear." " Thank you very much." "Unfortunately, no one ever came to eat here." "It's a tiny hiccup." "And so we have to face the fact that from next week, we must find somewhere new to eat." "I just want to say to Tony..." "don't take it personally." "The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life." "No one knows why some things work out and some things don't." "Why some of us get lucky..." " and some of us" " Get fired." " What ?" " No !" "Yeah, well, it seems they're shifting the whole outfit... much more towards the emerging markets." "And, of course, well, I was total crap, so" "A toast to Bernie-- the worst stockbroker in the whole world." "I thank you." "And Tony, the worst restaurateur." " Tony and Bernie." "Both crap..." " The terrible two." "in their own special ways." "Since it's an evening of announcements, uh, I've also got one." "Um, I've decided to get engaged." "I've found myself a nice, slightly odd-looking bloke... who I know is gonna make me happy for the rest of my life." "Wait a sec. I mean, l-- l'm your brother. I don't know anything about this. ls he-- ls he financially viable ?" "He's an artist..." "with brilliant prospects." "This is a secret you've been keeping from me." "By the way, it's you." " Me ?" " What do you think ?" "Well, yeah." "Groovy." "Excuse me." "Are there any more announcements ?" "Well, actually, yes." "I feel I should apologize to everyone... for my behaviour over the last six months." "I have, as you know, been somewhat down in the mouth." "There's an understatement." "There are dead people on better form." "But I just wish to make it clear that I've turned a corner, and, um, henceforward intend to be impressively happy." "Without a love of my own" "Blue moon" "Ba-boom, ba-boom" "You knew just what I was there for" "Oh, God. I'm horribly drunk." "You heard me saying a prayer for" " Come here." "Ba-boom, ba-boom" "Someone I really could care for" "So you've laid the ghost ?" "I believe I have." "Don't give a damn about the famous girl?" "No." "No, I don't think I do." "Which means you won't be distracted by the fact that she's back in London... grasping her Oscar... and currently to be found filming, most days, on Hampstead Heath." "Oh, God, no." "So not over her, in fact." " Can I help you ?" " Yeah, I'm, um-  l'm looking for Anna Scott." " Does she know you're coming ?" "No." "No, uh, she doesn't." " l'm afraid I can't let you through." " Right." "I mean, I am actually a friend." "I'm not a lunatic, but" " No, you basically, er" " Can't let you through, sir." "Well, this is, uh-- l only found out you were here yesterday." " l was going to call, but l" " Uh, Anna." "Yes." "Um" "Things aren't going very well, and it's our last day." "Absolutely, yeah." "You're clearly very busy." "But if-- if you could wait, there are... things to say." "Okay." "Drink tea." "There's lots of tea." "Come and have a look." "Are you a fan of Henry James ?" " This is a Henry James film ?" " Yeah." "This is, uh, Harry." "He'll give you a pair of headphones so you can hear the dialogue." " Thank you very much." " No problem." " Hi." " Hi." "Here we go." " Volume's on the side." "Have a seat." " Thank you." "We are living in cloud cuckoo land." "We'll never get this done today." "We've got to." "I have to be in New York on Thursday." "Oh, stop showing off." "God, that's an enormous ass." " l'm not listening." " But seriously, it's not fair." "So many tragic young teenagers with anorexia... and that girl has an ass she could perfectly well share around... with at least ten other women and still be big-bottomed." "I would think, looking at something nice like that, you and your..." "bony little excuse for an arse... would be well advised to keep quiet." "Now down to business." "The end of the scene." "Um, I ask you when you're telling everyone, and you say" "Um, tomorrow will be soon enough." "And then l" " Right." "Okay." "Say, who was that rather diffident chap I saw you talking to round the back ?" "No one." "Just some guy from the past. l-- lt's a bit of an awkward situation." "I don't know what he's doing here." "'Course." "Thanks. I've got to, um" "Any time." "Ladies and gentlemen, can we have you on your first marks ?" "On your first marks !" "Uh, l-l do hate to disturb you whilst you're cooking the books, but, uh, there's a delivery for you." "Martin, really." "Can't you just do it yourself ?" "But you see, this is not for the shop." "This is for you." "Right." "Okay." "Tell me, if I employ a wet rag, would I have to pay it as much as I pay you ?" "Hi." "Hello." "You disappeared." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Um-- l had to leave." "I didn't want to disturb." " How have you been ?" " Fine, fine." "Everything much the same." "When they change the law, Spike and I will marry immediately." "Whereas you, I've watched in wonder." " Awards, glory." " Oh, no." "It's-- lt's all nonsense, believe me." "I'd no idea how much nonsense it was, but... nonsense it all is." "Well, um" "Yesterday was our last day of filming, so..." "I'm leaving." "But, um-- l brought this for you from home, so I thought I'd give it to you." "Thank you." "Shall l" "Oh, no, don't open it now." "I'll be embarrassed." "Well, thank you. I don't know what it's for, but thanks anyway." "Actually, I had it in my apartment, and I thought you'd" "But when it came to it, I didn't know how to call, having behaved so badly." "Twice." "So it's just been sitting in the hotel." "Then you came and..." "I figured" "The thing is" "The thing is" "What ?" "What is the thing ?" "Don't even think about it." "Go away immediately." " Go away." " Right." "Sorry." "You were saying ?" "Yes." "I have to go away today, but I... wondered if I didn't... whether you might let me see you a little, or... a lot, maybe." "See if you could like me again." "But yesterday that actor asked you who I was, and you just dismissed me out of hand." "I heard." "You had a microphone." "I had headphones." "You expect me to tell the truth about my life... to the most indiscreet man in England ?" "Uh, excuse me." "It's your mother on the phone." "Will you tell her I'll ring her back ?" "I've actually tried that tack, but she said you've said that once before, and it's now been about 24 hours... and the foot that was purple is now sort of blackish in colour and" "Right, right." "Yeah." "Perfect timing, as ever." "Martin, hold the fort a second." "Uh, yes." "All right." "Um, could I just say-- l thought Ghost was the most wonderful film." " ls that right ?" " Oh, yes." "Um, I've always wondered... what Patrick Swayze's like in-- in-- in real life." "I can't say that I know Patrick all that well." "He wasn't that friendly during filming ?" "Well, I'm sure he was friendly to Demi Moore who acted with him in Ghost." "Oh." "Oh, right." "Sorry." "Always been a bit of an ass." "Um, anyway" " Um" "Well, it was lovely to meet you." "I'm a huge, huge fan of yours." "And Demi's, of course." "Sorry." "That's fine." "There's always a pause when the jury goes out to consider their verdict." "Anna, look, um-- l'm a fairly levelheaded bloke, not often in and out of love." "But, uh" "Can I just say no to your... kind request and, uh, leave it at that ?" "Yes." "Fine." "Of course. l" "Of course." "I'll just be going, then." "It was nice to see you." "The thing is, with you I'm in real... danger." "It seems like a... perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours, but... my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not... recover, uh, if I was... once again cast aside, as I would absolutely expect to be." "There are just too many pictures of you, too many films." "You'd go and I'd be, uh, well, buggered, basically." "That really is a real no, isn't it ?" "I live in Notting Hill." "You live in..." "Beverly Hills." "Everyone in the world knows who you are." "My mother has trouble remembering my name." "Fine." "Fine." "Good decision." "Good decision." "The fame thing isn't really real, you know ?" "And don't forget I'm-- l'm also just a girl... standing in front of a boy... asking him to love her." "Goodbye." "So what do you think ?" "Good move ?" "Yeah, good move." "I mean, when all's said and done, she's nothing special." "I saw her taking her trousers down, and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there." "Good decision, yeah." "All actresses are as mad as snakes." " Tones, what do you reckon ?" " Never met her, never want to." " Brilliant." "Max ?" " Absolutely." "Never trust a vegetarian." "Great." "Thanks." "Brilliant." "I was called and I came." "What's up ?" "William's just turned down Anna Scott." "You daft prick." "No, no." "No, no, it's actually quite sensible." "That painting isn't the original, is it ?" "Um, you know, I think it might be, yeah." "But she said she wanted to go out with you." " Yeah." " Well, that's nice." "What ?" "Well, you know, anyone saying they wanna go out with you is pretty great, isn't it ?" "It was... sort of... sweet, actually." "Um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that... so she can... deliver a line, but, um, she said she might be as famous as she can be, but also that she was... just a girl... standing in front of a boy... asking him... to love her." "Oh, sod a dog. I've made the wrong decision, haven't I ?" "Yeah." "Max, how fast is your car ?" " Good luck !" " lf anyone gets in our way, we have small nuclear devices." " Where to ?" " All I can think is The Ritz." " Where's Bella ?" " She's not coming." " Oh, sod that." "Bernie, in the back." " What ?" "Max, I'm okay." "Come on, babe." "Which way are you going ?" "Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner." " No, crazy." "Go along Bayswater." " That's right." "Then Park Lane." "No, straight down to the Cromwell Road, then left." "Stop right there !" "I will decide the route." "All right ?" "Sorry, Max." "James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit." "Turn right !" " l can't. lt's one way." " Do a U-turn." "Oh, sod it." "Hold on." "Brilliant !" "Bloody hell, this is fun !" "Sorry." "Hi." "is Miss Scott staying here ?" " No, sir." " How 'bout Miss Flintstone ?" " No, sir." " Uh, Bambi ?" " No, sir." " Or, um-- l don't know." "Beavis or Butthead ?" "No, sir." "Thanks." "Thanks." "There was a Miss Pocahontas, but she checked out about an hour ago." "I believe she's holding a press conference at the Savoy... before flying to America." "We have liftoff." "You have message for Takiama ?" "I'll just check, sir." "Bugger this for a bunch of bananas." "Stop !" "Stop !" "Stop !" "Stay there !" "Go !" "Go !" "Whoa, whoa, whoa !" "Hang on !" "Come on !" "No !" "Wait !" "Wait there !" "Come on !" "Come on !" "Wait !" "Whoa, whoa, whoa !" "Go on !" "Through, through !" "You're my hero !" "Whoa !" "Down, boy." "Excuse me." " Yes ?" " Where's the press conference, please ?" " Are you an accredited member of the press ?" " Yep." " There you go." " That's a Blockbuster Video membership card, sir." "That's right." "I work for their in-house magazine." " Movies Are Our Business." " l'm sorry, sir." " He's with me." " And you are ?" "Writing an article on how London hotels treat people in wheelchairs." "Yes, of course, madam." "It's in the Lancaster Room." "Though I'm afraid you're rather late." "Run !" "Does this mean that Miss Scott will not be publicizing her next film ?" "No, it absolutely does not mean that." "She'll be abiding by all her present commitments." "She just won't be making any more for the next year." "When will the film be released ?" "At the moment, the plan is to release in America... towards the end of the autumn, and over here around Christmas or early in the new year." "Right !" "Dominic." "Anna, how much longer are you staying in the U.K., then ?" "No time at all." "I leave tonight." "Which is why we have to round things up now, so final questions, please." "Yes." "Lady there." "is your decision to take a year off anything to do... with the rumours about Jeff and his present leading lady ?" " Absolutely not." " Do you believe the rumours ?" "Well, it's really not my business any more." "Though I will say, from my experience, rumours about Jeff do tend to be true." "Yeah." "The last time you were here, there were some fairly graphic photographs... taken of you with a young English guy." "So, uh, what happened there ?" "He was just a friend." "We're still friends, I think." "Right, um" "Yes." "Gentleman in the pink shirt." "Yes." "Miss Scott, are there any circumstances in which... the two of you... might be more than just good friends ?" "I hoped there would be, but no, I'm... assured there aren't." " But what would you say if" " Sorry." "Just the one question, please." "No, it's all right." "You were saying ?" "I was just wondering if, uh, it turned out that this person, uh" "Thacker." "His name was Thacker." "Thanks, thanks." "I just wondered whether if..." "Mr Thacker realized he'd been a daft prick... and got down on his knees and..." "begged you to reconsider, whether you would, in fact, then... reconsider ?" "Yes, I believe I would." "That's very good news." "Um" "The readers of Horse  Hound will be absolutely delighted." "Right." "Uh, Dominic, if you'd like to ask your question again ?" "Yeah ?" "Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain ?" "indefinitely." " What happened ?" " lt was good."