" Previously on Boston Legal." " We're the new guys." "He's officially the grossest person I've ever met." " A postnup?" " My idea." " She gets my cigarette boat." " Only if you cheat." "We met on FaceSpace." "Today is our first real date." "Denny, it's me, Bethany." "When you called me a midget, you caused me emotional distress." "Judge Marcia Hooper was found murdered last night." "We were having an affair." "Could my son actually be arrested?" "They wouldn't be hauling him away in cuffs if they didn't have the goods on him." " Maybe I should do it." " You mean, kill Judge Hooper?" "Maybe he wants me to kill her." "He just happened to be at the murder scene." "He just happened to be having a sweet little affair with the victim." "Oh!" "And he just happened to be having a teeny-weeny little dream about killing her." "I might've been born yesterday, folks, but I wasn't born last night." "Does anybody really think he didn't kill her?" "My God!" "We need to gag this woman." "I did once." "Best sexual experience of my life." "What are you talking about?" "She covered one of my trials." "She's an animal." "You had sex with this reporter?" "Please, Paul." "A gentleman never talks." "Get with the program, folks." "This guy is as guilty as sin." " She's an animal." " Denny, she seems to be on the attack." " Did it end badly?" " Not for me." "Your Honor." "Jeffrey Coho." "I wanted to introduce myself and convey my deepest sympathy" "I know who you are, Mr. Coho." "You're the man giving representation to the person who murdered my wife." "I don't believe Scott Little took the life of your wife." "I wouldn't defend him if I thought that he did." "Because you don't defend guilty people?" "Is that it?" " You disgust me." " Already?" "It's not enough that you tried to secure the freedom of an adulterer and a murderer." "We both want the real killer brought to justice here." "It's not Scott Little." "Get out." "If I may ask... there are rumors that your wife's infidelity extended significantly beyond my client." "Did you know about this?" "How dare you come into this room and indict not only my late wife" " I don't mean to be insensitive." " But also my marriage!" " If you have evidence to the person who killed your wife" " Your client murdered my wife." " Because I'm told" " Get out of my chambers!" "That you've told other people that your marriage was in trouble." " Who told you that?" " They insisted on anonymity." "Your Honor, please." "We all want to get to the truth of this." "Jonathan, what are you doing here?" "I hope nothing ex parte." "One of my staff saw you come in." "What are you doing?" "Trying to find out who killed Marcia Hooper." "Don't you want to know?" " Are you kidding me?" " Certainly I'm allowed to interview potential witnesses." " Don't tell me the tampering has already begun." " You are out of your mind." "Yes, how nice to remain so tightly locked inside yours." "Let me tell you something right now." "If you start to intimidate my witnesses" "Why yours?" "Do you have dibs?" "Is this the way you want to play it?" "Fine." "It doesn't seem we can settle this with words." "Maybe we should fight." "Why does everyone in Boston just stare at me?" "Hello." "We're looking for" " Shirley Schmidt!" " Missy." " Ivan." " Shirley." " We thought we'd share our good news." " We're having babies." "Congratulations." "Sally Bowles is pregnant." "We're becoming a family, Shirley." "It's all falling into place." "The happy ending, just like I dreamed." "Yes, it is, Sally Bowles!" "Yes, it is." "Honey, get the slobber towel." "# 'Cause life is a cabaret old dog #" "She's not really old." "# Life is a cabaret ##" " So I hear." " Ivan, I'm gonna leave you with the girls while I tinkle." "Certainly, sweetheart." " God, I hate her." " Oh, boy." "I tried this time." "I want to love her." "No, I do love her." "She's just too much." "Too much singing, too much sex." "I'm not a young man anymore." "And, well, there's the fact that she's stupid." "Ivan, you're choking on your sixth wife." "Have you ever thought about slowing down and chewing them up more carefully?" "Shirley, I know that you and I left on bad terms... but if you have even a modicum of forgiveness in you, I need your help." "But I'm Missy's attorney." "Exactly." "You wrote her postnup." "Where's the back door?" "That's all I'm asking." "And as Missy's attorney, I should be advising her right now." "My hunch is that she doesn't even know you want out." "She's been busy decorating the nursery." "What I can tell you is there is no back door." "That postnup is as tight as your soon-to-be sixth ex-wife's tushy." "Shirley." "You wrote that postnup right after you learned... that I was sleeping with you while still married with Missy." " You must've put in a loophole." " God, that would've been smart." "I must've been too distracted by that irritating rage." "I'm sorry, Ivan... but that agreement clearly states that if you cause... the dissolution of that marriage in any form... you will lose the bulk of your assets." "Well, then, Shirley, my first love... it pains me to do this." "You're serving me?" "It's the only way I can nullify the postnup." "Besides, we'll be back in court together." "It'll be fun." " What's going on?" " Scott, I want you to listen to me." " Listen, hear me out for a second, okay?" " I'm represented by counsel." "And if you wish to assert that right, I will respect it and leave." "But before you do anything, just hear what I have to say." "You don't have to respond." "In fact, I would advise you not to." "I believe thatJeffrey Coho is placing his own grandiose interests above yours." "The last thing that he wants to see here is a plea agreement... or some deal that might preempt his 15 minutes." "This is a man who covets, perhaps thrives, on media attention." "He would rather see you convicted, in my belief... than give up the chance of a spectacle that might maximize his profile." "And, Scott, this is a case that should be pled out." "The victim was struck once." "We know this was heat of passion." "We know that you didn't mean to kill her." "But if we go to trial, we will be charging first degree." "Scott, your semen was there." "You were having an affair with her." "You told your shrink that you had urges to kill her." "There's no way that we lose this one." "Second degree, you could be out ofhere in eight years." "First degree, you are looking at life." "The reason I'm in here telling you all this is because someone needs to... and I suspect that it won't beJeffrey Coho." "He will never counsel you to give up his O.J. Moment." "If his becoming famous... means you spending the rest of your life in jail, so be it." "Denny Crane in the flesh- a lot of flesh." "You look taller." "Oh, I'm just walking on air." "Just the thought of suing you." "You said you had an offer?" "Yes." "I offer you this." " It's a depo notice." " That's right." "I thought instead of giving you money..." "I would depose and get this complaint kicked before you even begin." " Oh, is that what you thought?" " Yeah." " You think you're just gonna make me go away?" " You want a war, you got a war." " You fat, old man." " Let the games begin, small fry." "Well, certainly his allegations of blackmail... lead to duress and unconscionability." "And if Ivan goes to the press" "I don't think he'll go to the press." "He has his reputation." "Plus, if there's one thing about Ivan, he doesn't play dirty." "Shirley, Paul..." " I believe you've met my attorney, Alan Shore." " How do you do?" " What's going on?" " I told Alan my story." "He's agreed to represent me." " That's ridiculous." " I'm a fan of ridiculous." "It's also a non-waivable conflict." "We're both attorneys at the same firm." "Oh, please." "You used to be married to Ivan." "Clearly we've already hurdled the conflict of interest bar." " What the hell are you doing?" " Shirley, what you did to my client was unfair." "I'm a man of principle... or not." "Whatever the situation calls for." "And don't be so greedy." "There's enough fun to go around for everybody." " I forbid you to represent this man." " Even better." "Come on, Alan." "Let's prepare." " Well, this could get ugly." " You think?" "I'll inform the executive committee... and I believe there's one other person... you need to inform." "Missy, not every marriage was meant to be." "Not" " Oh." "Not every couple" "The lungs on you." "I learned to project in Gypsy." "Missy, I" " I just want to assure you... that what happened between Ivan and me... was totally unpremeditated, without malice or intent to hurt you." "I'm sure just one thing led to another." " That's right." " He's very charming." "He can be." "Oh, Shirley, tell me what happened." " In your marriage?" " In bed with you and Ivan." " What?" " Tell me." "If I know what you two did, I'll be able to move past it." "But I have to know exactly what I'm moving past." "You have to know exactly?" "Couldn't you just know "ish"?" "You're right." "I'll just imagine the details." "The important part is that you did the brave, honorable, honest thing by telling me." "And I still want you to represent me." "So, what happens next?" "We go to court." "You approached the defendant directly with a plea offer?" " I did not go there to elicit any response." " Why did you go there?" "Because I have ethical concerns... as to whether he's getting a fair and true representation from this megalomaniac." "I consider myself, first and foremost, an officer of the court." " You're in contempt." " If I think a defendant's interests... are being undermined by a narcissistic lawyer's need for publicity" "If you ever so much as look at the defendant again outside of counsel..." "I will declare prosecutorial misconduct and direct a verdict for the defendant." " Your Honor, he's gone to all my witnesses." " Mr. Little is the accused!" "One with counsel!" "And Mr. Coho is entitled to talk to the witnesses!" " You want to rein me in?" " You are not helping yourself, sir." "I will not let this trial become about the two of you." "We have a canon oflegal ethics which you will both abide by... or I will remove you both!" "Mr. Winant, I am shocked and appalled." "That is all." "Hey, sorry to turn you in." "I just thought he'd want to know." "I don't mean to sound impatient." "I've been waiting for close to two hours." "I just want 10 minutes." "As you can see, Mr. Coho, Dr. Simon is extremely busy." "I explained to you he would not be able to see you today." "I believe I explained it to you twice." "It's just, um..." "I'm a little upset that Dr. Simon... would reveal everything that I told him in a private session." "I would expect that he would not repeat everything I told him in the strictest confiidence... and blab to everyone about my phobias and sexual problems... and my most intimate insecurities." " And to print it on his Web site!" " Hold on one second, please." "If I lose a single patient as a result of that outrageous outburst, I will sue you!" "It's gonna have to be a counterclaim 'cause we're probably gonna sue you first." "I got a client sitting in a jail cell because you violated doctor-patient communication." "That's privileged information, pal." " You don't think it was an agonizing thing?" " You think it was legal?" "Yes, it was legal!" "If I believe somebody's life is in danger" "Her life was no longer in danger." "She was dead." "No, she wasn't!" "Not when I turned the tape over!" "When did you turn it over?" "The afternoon of her death." "You gave the tape to the police the afternoon of her death?" "Well, I" " I didn't give it to the police." " I gave it to her husband." " What?" "He was here, so I gave it to him." "What do you mean, he was here?" "Scott Little was referred to me by Marcia Hooper... who I used to treat." "I currently treat her husband, Brian." "Okay, before we start, I want it on the record that I'm very uncomfortable deposing a dwarf." " What's that supposed to mean?" " It means I'm uncomfortable." "I don't need any victims' rights groups picketing outside my condo." "Not to mention the fact you obviously have deep psychological issues... to accept any date with a 72-year-old man, let alone... him." "Just ask your questions, bitchy-doo." "I want that attack on the record." "Is it your testimony, Ms. Horowitz... that when two people meet for romantic purposes... they are not entitled tojudge one another on physical appearance?" "That is not my testimony." "But he is not allowed to call me a midget in a crowded room full of my peers." "Oh." "Other people heard this?" " Yes." " Name six." " I didn't get names." "I was too shaken." " I see." "Do you make room for the possibility that Mr. Crane was shaken?" "Did you ever mention beforehand that you were a little person?" " I said that I'm petite." " Petite?" "That's what I am." "I'm petite." "You two spoke over the Internet for two weeks... divulging personal, intimate details." "You leave out the fact that you're under three feet tall?" "Do you think that's honest?" "Look at him." "Did I get Mel Gibson?" "Maybe I did." " Why didn't you tell him you were a dwarf?" " Because it shouldn't matter." " It shouldn't matter?" " No." "It shouldn't matter!" "I can see you're hurt." "Could you be especially hurt because this is the first time... you felt you hooked up with someone where you being a dwarf didn't matter?" "Who are you?" "Dr. Phil?" "During the course of your Internet relationship... did you happen to fall for my client a little?" " Oh, please." " Then what's the harm?" "You seem pretty thick-skinned." "I'm sure you've faced your share of ridicule." "Were you really damaged by a callous remark from a buffoon?" "Who are you to say what does or doesn't humiliate me?" "You had high hopes for a relationship with this man, didn't you?" "You daydreamed about going up against him in law school." "You were in awe of him, and he rejected you." "My client signed this postnup under both emotional and carnal duress." "The terms are onerous, unconscionable" "We negotiated in good faith, Your Honor." "There was nothing onerous about it." "Why would anyone voluntarily sign away all of his possessions for virtually no consideration?" "He was under a spell, a sort of orgasmic stupor." "The consideration was sex with Missy." " Oh, please." "He was still getting it on with you." " Objection!" "Which brings us right back to "unconscionable. "" " Mr. Shore, that's enough." " Really?" "Then I'd like to call a witness." " What witness?" " You." " Me?" " You." " He can't call opposing counsel." " Of course I can." "Ms. Schmidt is a material witness." "In fact, she's the material witness." "She's perfectly happy to bellow her position in open court." "I merely ask that she do so under oath." "I'll allow it." "Ms. Schmidt will take the stand this afternoon." "Your résumé intact?" "Shirley, you're being retaliatory." "It becomes you." "The shrink was treating the victim and her husband." " He saw that tape." "He didn't tell his wife." " How can you be sure of that?" "She made love to Scott." "Would she have if she knew he harbored thoughts of killing her?" "Would she not have said something like, "Hey, what's up with wanting me dead?"" "The husband saw the tape." "He sat on it." "He didn't tell her." "What are you thinking?" "I'm thinking how perfect if he wanted to kill her." "The angry, bald little husband." "He waits for Scott to come over." "Waits for them to make love." "Perfect." "He comes home, whacks her once on the head, dials 911, hands over the tape." "The angry, bald little husband killed his wife... just like in the movies." "It's very good news." " Do the police know about this?" " They must." "The minute he gave them the tape, they had to ask when he got it." "Whether they know that Dr. Simon treated him and her, I don't know." "But the truth is, Scott, it doesn't matter." "Because you are the only one they have a shot at getting for this murder." "You're the target." "In the end, that tape speaks for itself." "What's this?" "I need you to authorize our access... to Dr. Simon's notes and records concerning your treatment." " Why?" " We have to be able to put that footage into context." "There may be things that you said that I can use." "I can't know that until I review it all." "I don't think I want you to see or read everything I said to my shrink." "Scott, it would be for our eyes only." "There's nothing I said that's really relevant." "You gotta let us decide that, Scott." "No." "That stuff is privileged." "Scott, I'm the one vested with saving your life." "That's not shaping up to be an easyjob right now." "I don't want you looking at my therapist's records." " Scott" " I said no!" " What do you mean she won't drop it?" " She's hurt." "My advice is if you really want this to go away, you have to apologize... and this time make it heartfelt." " Do you do that?" " Never." "I really appreciate your coming." " I'd like a small sandwich and some coffee." " Not a problem." "You want to talk to me about the boy, don't you?" "Well, yes." "But first, I'd like to talk to you about that night." " The night she died?" " Yes." "He was there that night- the boy." "And did you see them make love?" "No." "But he used the clicker." "The clicker?" "The remote that opens the garage door." "She gave all her special lovers clickers." "That way they could go undetected by suspecting neighbors." "But I always knew." "Did you see anybody besides Scott Little go there that night?" "No." "He left at 9:00." "And the husband got home sometime between 10:00 and 11:00." " Between 10:00 and 11:00." "You're sure?" " Oh, yes." "I was out with my little dog." "I walk my little dog always between 10:00 and 11:00." "And that's when I saw the husband go in." " You're sure it was the husband?" " I am." "He drives some sort of little white convertible... in an attempt, I suppose, to seem interesting." "Which he's not." "Not at all." "He's a nasty little man." "He made her get that restraining order against me." "He made her do it." "Well, you are a Peeping Tom." "She liked that." "She liked that I looked." "I was a benign "peepie. "" "The other men who had the clickers, do you think you might recognize them?" "I might." "But he was her favorite- the boy." "Oh, she liked that boy." "Uh, Ms. Schmidt, you and my client, Ivan Tiggs... made love on the night of May 13, did you not?" "Right out of the gate!" "Yes, we did." " Did he satisfy you completely?" " Objection." " Tell us everything." "Leave nothing out." " Objection!" "What?" "Oh, yes." "It goes to unconscionability." "If Mr. Tiggs pleased her to such an extent as to" "Mr. Shore." "Mr. Tiggs did satisfy you, didn't he?" "I'm under oath." "It wasn't his best work." " Ooh." " Mr. Shore, what, pray tell, is your point?" "My point is the parties were entwined... in a volatile and still very emotional... moist, physical relationship even after he remarried." "But you two did get back together, didn't you?" "Only because he told me he'd left his wife." "And how did it make you feel when you discovered Ivan was still married?" "Did the fact that he was unfaithful hurt me?" "Yes, it did." "Did it surprise me?" "No, it did not." "After all, he's a womanizing slimeball." "And consumed with anger, perhaps vengeance... a soupçon de passion, you then solicited his wife." " Is that what you think?" " It's what we both know." "I volunteered to represent her because" " Then whose idea was the postnuptial agreement?" " Mine." "Postnups are meant to provide support after a divorce, not prevent one." " Who is the lawyer here?" " Certainly not you." "You specifiically prepared it to prevent me from doing what I had done with you." "I simply wanted to present you with options." "Options?" "There were no options." "This was blackmail." "Your Honor, he is the party, not the lawyer." "You secured 80% of my net worth." "You also attached my boat!" "Everything I hold dear." "You need to reassess your priorities." "Are you going to tell us under oath that this agreement which virtually makes me penniless... has nothing whatsoever to do with your personal feelings for me?" " Isn't it exciting?" " Objection!" "My relations with you had absolutely no impact on how I represented my client." " Ha!" " My job is to vigorously represent my clients." "In this case, my client was Mrs. Missy Tiggs." "And as her counsel, I drafted a postnuptial agreement... which both protected her interests on a personal and a material level." "You, on the other hand, represented yourself." "You, as both counsel and client, had full control of this." "You reviewed all of the terms." "You ran it past yourself." " And then you voluntarily signed it." " Now wait a minute." " She is magnificent." " You cheated on your wife." "You deceived me." "And now you want this court to invalidate a perfectly legal agreement... because you couldn't keep the vows you made when you were married." " She's lecturing me." " Duress, unconscionability." "Give me a break." "You're just bored, and you don't want to lose your stuff." "Enough." "First of all, I want to thank you for coming back in." "Secondly, I want to apologize in a heartfelt way." " I was wrong." " That's very big of you to admit." "What is it you want?" "Money, is it?" "You want to make this right?" "I'll settle for your law firm." " Oh, gee, is that all?" " I want to borrow it and you for a meeting." "I'm trying to settle a case, and I'm having a hard time... moving the defendant off his disgusting lowball offer." "If I had Crane, Poole  Schmidt behind me, I think they might budge." "A meeting?" "Would I have to talk?" "You're much more impressive when you don't." " One meeting?" " In these offices." "I'll call it even." "Not quite." "One condition." " Take off your clothes." " What?" "Oh, come on." "That was the initial plan." "We hit it off, eventually we get together... naked." "Take off your clothes." "Let me see that little package." "You are the most disgusting... vulgar human being I have ever met." "You're right." "Just the top then?" "I promised myself that I wouldn't lose my composure... and that's exactly what I did." "Shirley, how many promises have you kept with yourself... when it comes to Ivan Tiggs?" "Look." "No evidence of anybody else there." "Not a fiber, a print." "Come on, Mary." "Who else could've done this but Scott Little?" "Hello!" "How about the husband?" ""Spousicide" is the most common" "Well, they're playing that for all it's worth." "Well, of course they are." "Ratings for the war are slipping." "Shirley, we have to settle this with Ivan Tiggs." "Let's just see how Missy's testimony goes." "When a person is told she needs heart surgery... she does not expect to be shipped to India to have it." "You say it like she was forced." "Your client's wife was provided with an option" "Option?" "Pay $18,000 here, or go to India and have it for free?" "Does that sound like a real option for a low-income person, Mr. Jovanka?" "Look, your client wouldn't have even had health insurance if we couldn't make it affordable" "She died, Mr. Jovanka." "Am I expected to get on a plane now and go sue Indians?" "The death had nothing to do with malpractice or the quality of care provided." "What about the therapeutic value of having family around during surgery?" " Look" " You keep saying "look"!" "Heart surgery in the United States costs $90,000 all in." "In India, it costs 10." "With the crisis ofhealth care coverage in this country... what responsible H.M.O. Wouldn't incentivize its patients to go abroad?" "This woman did not die because of substandard care!" "And if you think you're gonna scare us into settling... by sticking this prop at the table a week before trial... you're as mistaken as you are transparent." " What did you call me?" " I mean no disrespect." "Get out of my office before I throw you out the window!" "Fine!" "I'll see you at trial." "Great." "Well, I hope that helped." "See you in court." " When we back somebody, we back 'em all the way." " Really?" "You have the full resources of Crane, Poole  Schmidt." "I held up my end of the bargain." "I was a good wife." "I came from a modest background... and this man came in and swept me off my feet." "I entered his world and I became accustomed to his lifestyle." " Adjusted." " Uh, we were only married nine months." " I'm a fast adjuster!" " So what is your life like now?" "I'm comfortable, but my Sally's having puppies." "I have so much more responsibility now." "I'm going to be a single mother." "Is she having the puppies?" "They're show dogs." "How am I supposed to raise show dogs by myself?" "And how do you feel now that your husband has ended the marriage?" "Objection." "This is ludicrous, Your Honor." "I'm not going to throw her out to become a lovable street urchin." "I'll make a good settlement, I'll pay her alimony... and do all the good things I always do." "However, that is not the agreement you signed." "An agreement you conceived of, then coerced him to sign." "Oh, please." "You have never been coerced into anything in your entire life." " You don't know everything about me!" " Yes, I do." "In my chambers." "Just Ms. Schmidt and Mr. Tiggs." " Couldn't I come and just watch?" " No." "I have had it with you two." "If I wanted to see a couple bickering, I couldjust go home." " We are not a couple." " Right." "You're playing out your personal problems in my courtroom." "I could hold you in contempt and recommend you be sanctioned by the bar." "Your Honor, Mr. Tiggs has a history of ruining women's lives." "There's one out there right now." "It's going to take her years to get over this." "Oh, she'll get over me." "She's like a goldfish." "She has a three-second memory." "You, on the other hand, can hold onto things for years." "What are you implying?" "You didn't make that postnup to punish me or to keep me faithful to Missy." "You did it to keep me away from you... because you know... that you can't trust yourself with me." "It is always about how much people want you." " Isn't it, Ivan?" " No." "Just about how much you want me." "Admit it, Shirley." "You're still in love with me." "You-You're a very disturbed man." "You know how I feel about you, Shirley." "I tell you what" " I'll withdraw the motion and relinquish everything- my homes, my country club membership, my Cuban cigars." "Missy can have it all if you agree to stop fighting yourself... and give me one more chance." "I've given you too many chances." "All right." "I'll relinquish everything if you go to dinner with me." "I'll take you to Melville's." "Though you may have to pay." "Have the rib eye." "Jeffrey, little "problema. "" "Hi." "Scott Little's father is on the prosecution's witness list." " What do you mean?" " I mean, they're calling our client's father." " Did you not know this?" " "Our client?"" " Is she on this case?" " What could he possibly say?" "He's on his way in." "We could go ask him." ""We"?" "Is she on the case?" "I don't have to tell you anything." "Mr. Schiller, Scott Little is your son." "Why isn't his name Schiller?" "She changed it legally to her maiden name... because she's as spiteful as she is grotesque." "Tell us what you plan to say, Michael." "I'm not your little dog." "I don't have to obey your commands." "You didn't tell me this hideous witch would be here." "This is a pathetic attempt to be relevant in your son's life." "Testifying against him!" "You denied my relevance." "You wouldn't even let me see him!" "I was afraid he'd grow up to be you!" "I can't stay here seeing her breathe and speak." "It makes it too difficult to pretend she's dead." "I pretended to be dead during sex." "You seemed to prefer it." "Because you as a corpse- that's something to get excited about." "Okay!" "I'm sure it's lovely catching up like this... but, Mr. Schiller, this is your son." " We only have her word on that." " How could you give testimony against him?" " I'm not- not on the murder." " Then why is the prosecutor calling you?" "He told me I didn't have to talk to you people." " Did he advise you not to talk to us?" " I'm leaving." "You think this makes you a man, Michael." "You've never been a man." "Okay." "Well, this is exciting." "Bethany, Brad'll be your point man here." "If you need anything, go to him." "If you're not satisfied, you come to me." "Thank you." "I'll arrange to have your files sent over, set up a command center." "Okay." "I want to thank you for doing this." "I could never take on a big H.M.O. Myself, which is why they've offered me nothing." "Bethany, I want to apologize for objectifying you." "The-The truth is..." "I do it to most women." "As" "As I was looking at you in that room... going head to head with that opposing counsel..." "I thought to myself, I'll bet there goes a little sexual dynamo." "Would you like to try lunch again?" "Let's just get through the trial, Denny." "We're-We're going out to dinner... so hopefully we can work it all out." "Excellent." "Congratulations, Shirley." "Alan, why?" "I deserve an explanation." "Yes." "First of all, the postnup was irrationally lopsided." "It'd be a shame to see Ivan destitute... but even more shameful to see Missy at the helm of a cigarette boat." "And second of all?" "Well, that's private." "But something I'll continue to dwell on... as I gaze at that lovely photo of you..." " that hangs on the wall of my powder room." " Careful, Alan." "Oh, Shirley, I assure you I always take the greatest of care." "But the thing about the photo is... as a young woman, you were divine... and in maturity, sublime." "Well, I" " I guess I'm happy to have made you happy." "Shirley, the truth is I only took this case to be in court with you." "I enjoy your company." "So, if I can't join you on cases, I'll just have to oppose you." "Or I could just oppose you right now against the wall." "That would certainly make me happy." "I was almost there." "Was this lawsuit about sexual antagonism?" "Shirley... if I thought I could sexually profit from this..." "I would've dragged this thing through family court for years and years." "This... is just about having a fine rib eye... with lovely company." "Shall we leave it at that?" "You can't have me back." "Ah." "Well, we've both seen this movie, Shirley." "We both know how it ends." "You and I living happily ever after." "At least for a few weeks." "I can't love you anymore." "Ahh." "So... you and Ivan were in it... for the same thing." "Shirley." "Joanna made me realize it as she was fitting me for a dress shirt." "Denny, somehow I've grown rather fond of Shirley." "Well, you can't have her." "Besides, a man doesn't eat where his friend" " Schmidts?" " Exactly." "I worked that turf a long time ago." "Let's talk about you suddenly cocounseling with a woman who sued you." "She's a little powder keg." "You were once involved with a- a little person, weren't you?" " I was." " How was she... as a person... in bed?" " Indefatigable." " Ahh." "Her nickname is "the badger. "" "I wonder if she's a badger in the sack." "Could be painful." " Do you think she'd mind you talking about her this way?" " No idea." "Why?" "Well, perhaps you should look down, Denny." " Do not tell me" " Oh, yes." " Oh, no." " Yes." "Having a greater appreciation for who and what you are, I'm not offended." " You snuck up on me." " No." "I came to tell you that the court assigned a trial date." "Opening arguments are Monday." " She's got a cute little ass, doesn't she?" " She certainly does." "Here's to all shapes and sizes, my friend." "And to new and exciting adventures." "Except for Shirley." "You stinker!"