"[ music ]" "[ flames roaring ]" "[ tea kettle whistling ]" "[ whistling stops ]" "[ engine turns over ]" "[ music ]" "[ engine buzzing loudly ]" "[ woman, on tape, speaking German ]" "MAN ON TAPE:" "To see you." "[ woman on tape repeats in German ]" "MAN ON TAPE:" "To see you." "[woman repeats in German ]" " To see you." " [ Repeats in German ]" " To see you again." " [ Repeats in German ]" "MAN ON TAPE:" "Nice to see you again." " [ Repeats in German ] - [ turns off engine ]" "MAN ON TAPE:" "It's nice to see you again." "[ woman repeats in German ] [ turns off tape ]" "[ Rock music ] ♪ You're gettin' ready to walk ♪" "♪ Seems we got a bad connection ♪" " ALVIN:" "Hey!" " ♪ No reception ♪" "♪ What will it take to make you understand?" "♪" "♪ Bad connection, what would... ♪ [ turns off tape ]" "What are you doing?" "LANCE:" "I was falling asleep." "I thought it would be a good idea to change the station situation." "It wasn't." "I was listening to that." "I know, but it's boring for the rest of us." "I was falling asleep doing work." "So what?" "So..." "I want to play this tape." "I want to play this tape to get motivated and pumped up..." "I know, I know, I know you want to play that tape, but look." "You know what, Lance?" "I'm not here to start a fight." "That's not what I want to do, but I need to listen to my language tapes in order to become proficient and perform to the best of my abilities." "What about..." "What about the equal time agreement?" "That doesn't apply to studies and education." "LANCE:" "What do you mean?" "The equal time boom box agreement doesn't apply in this case, all right?" " That's just for recreation." " Oh, come on!" "Hey!" "Don't push my buttons, all right?" "You are not the boss here." "I'm the boss." "I hired you." "Now, we have a lot of work to do." "We could sit here arguing about language and music and blah-de-de-blah, but we got a lot of work to do, we got a lot of lines to paint, and it's a very long road." "I suggest you start the machine and keep it going." " Okay." " Yeah." " Alvin." " Yeah?" "You have your tool belt on backwards." "[ engine turns over ]" "Let's just enjoy the silence." "[ engine roaring ]" "ALVIN, VOICE-OVER:" "Dear Madison," "Thank you for your poetic letter." "[ Pounding stake ]" "There's so little to do out here." "I must have read it a hundred times." "Being out here helps me see things more clearly." "Sometimes it's heaven, sometimes it's hell, but out-of-doors physical labor is just what I need after those endless night shifts in Garland, which certainly contributed to our troubles during the spring." "I do feel much better, although I miss you and Olive." "I can't say I miss city life." "I was beginning to feel like I was one of those heads carved into the mountains of those presidents of the United States in the Dakotas, lonely among all those people I couldn't talk to." "As for your brother, the countryside isn't teaching him anything other than how much he misses the big, active nightlife." "I think that you and the family need to think of something else as far as his occupation." "He, quite realistically, could never amount to anything." "How can you be his age and not know how to gut a fish or build a tent or tie a knot?" "Sometimes I wonder if he is learning-disabled or has a bad disease, not that I dislike him or anything." "He's totally fine." " Alvin, I'm finished." " Hmm?" "I'm done with this one." "Could I have another one?" " Yeah, well, put that one back." " Okay." "Wait, you didn't do..." "you didn't write in it, did you?" "Yeah." "I worked the puzzle." "Oh, no... don't do that." "Don't do that, please." "That's a collector's item." "It's an antique." "It's rare." "Do you understand?" "I'm out here to have my things treated well, with respect." "LANCE:" "I get it." "I get it, yeah." "Do you really?" " Yeah." " You hearing?" "You are hearing me?" " Yes, yes." "I get it." " Are you hearing me?" " Yes." " What are you hearing me with?" "My ears." "No." "I don't want you to just hear me with your ears." "I want you to hear the whole thing." "Okay." "[ can clatters ]" "ALVIN, VOICE-OVER:" "The weekend is coming, and I'm thinking of spending some quiet time alone." "Your brother, on the other hand, can't wait to get back to the big city and get the little man squeezed, as he puts it." "As for me, I've been studying tons for our German journey in the fall." "You're right." "If I don't speak the language, we'll never adapt to life with the natives." "Besides, there's no future for me in Garland, and this new life can only be good for our little family." "Yours, Alvin." "P.S." "[ speaking German ]" "[ sleeping bag rustling ]" "[ gasps ]" "[ whispering ] Alvin." "Alvin." "What?" "Never mind." "[ engine buzzing loudly ]" "[ Horn honks ]" "TRUCK DRIVER:" "Hey!" "LANCE:" "Hey!" "What are you doing in the middle of the goddamn road?" " [ turns off engine ]" " We're working on the road crew." "The stripe crew." "Well, it's about time." "I'm going up and down this road with a heavy load trying to get through the pass." "They finally moved all the boulders." "Yeah, it got all messed up." "TRUCK DRIVER:" "Yeah, you got that right." "Hey, you guys got time for a drink?" "Heh heh!" "There you go." "Ha ha ha!" "Here." " Take that." " Thank you." "Yeah, let me take them tops off for you." "Heh heh!" "Cheers." "Hey, wait a minute." "I forgot the most important part." "How about we spice it up a little?" "What do you think?" "Dump some of that out." "We don't need that soda pop there." "Here, give me some of that there." "Okay, hold that there." "Ha ha ha ha!" "All right, here we go." "[ chuckling ]" "Here's to fire in our hearts." "Drink up, boys." "I love the impurities." "Ooh." "Nice." "Mother, may I?" "Yes, I may." "[ Raspberry ] Ha!" "Mmm!" "So, it was you painted these, the lines?" "Oh, not me." "Alvin did most of them." "I just started working for him." "TRUCK DRIVER:" "How many'd you do?" "I haven't kept an exact count, but I've hammered in a boatload of posts and painted a whole bunch of stripes." "Yeah, don't forget the posts." "The posts are important." "ALVIN:" "Yeah, you're telling me." "You know, would it be all right if I had one of those?" "All right." "Do you have a light, by chance?" "I, uh..." "Thank you." "Nothing but desire, huh?" " Ooh" " Mmm." "LANCE:" "You got it?" " I know how." " You know what?" "You shouldn't smoke." "Oh, yeah, I know." "It's bad for you." "No, I mean you shouldn't smoke." " You look stupid." " [ Laughing ]" "ALVIN:" "You been out here for a while?" "Longer than you want to know, son." "LANCE:" "I don't know what I'm doing out here, man." "There's no girls out here at all." "Well, you got to take care of that on the weekend." "You got to go to town, meet a lady." "But, uh..." "I can't discuss that too much 'cause, you know, I got a lot of bad memories there, you know." " ALVIN:" "Really?" " Yeah." "Sometimes you get involved a little too young, things happen, and then more things happen, and she takes off, maybe takes the child with her." "You just don't know." "That can be pretty rough." "Ahem." "Hmm." "Well, I got to go." "I'm tired of fooling with you guys." "Here." "Say... [whistles ] Take that." "Oh, no." "This is too much." "No." "Just my way of saying thank you." "Oh, thank you." "Have a good day." "Take care of that." "That's good for you." " [door slams, engine turns over]" " Thank you." "[ Horn honking ]" "Ha ha ha ha!" "[ honk honk honk ]" "[ sprayer engine buzzing ]" "[ distant thunder ]" "Aren't you gonna eat that?" "What?" "Aren't you gonna eat that?" " The skin?" " Yeah." "No." "It's the most nutritious part." "[ Passes gas]" "LANCE:" "Oh, God." "Farts?" " [ sighs ]" " Relax." "We're having a very nice evening." "Enjoy your hot fish." "Seriously, are you really cool not getting laid all summer?" "I don't really have much of a choice, do I?" "I mean, when you were out here for the spring by yourself, didn't you get lonely, like, so lonely?" "There's a difference between being lonely and being alone." " There is?" " Oh, yeah." "I reap the rewards of solitude." "LANCE:" "How do you do that?" "Well..." "I write letters to your sister," "I...read," "I paint, I sew." "I had a cat, so I used to take care of my pet before it was killed." "I have a lot of prescription medications, but I try not to use them." "LANCE:" "Wow." "I don't know." "I get so horny out here in nature." " Don't you?" " Horny?" "I don't think so." "Let me ask you a question." "Does it, like... feel different having sex with a woman that's had a baby?" " Yeah." " You know, like, Madison." "She's had kids." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Is it, like... less tight?" "Lance, she's your sister." "LANCE:" "I mean, I don't know how you do it." "I could never last the whole summer without getting the little man squeezed." "You suggesting I cheat on your sister?" "You've heard the story about Tristan, right?" "Tristan, your cousin?" "No." "Who's Tristan?" "LANCE:" "That guy." "Hasn't Madison ever told you about him?" "No." "LANCE:" "Don't you guys talk about stuff?" "Yeah." "Well, don't you know who she slept with?" "What do you know about who she slept with?" "Well, you know her bedroom was next doors to mine in high school, and you could just hear the moaning and stuff." "[sighs]" "What?" "Do you think she was a virgin?" "[ Rainfall ] [ soft piano music ]" "[ snoring ]" "Do you have any plans for the weekend?" "Anything you're getting into?" "LANCE:" "What do you mean?" "ALVIN:" "Do you have your eye on anyone?" "You know, a girl." "LANCE:" "No." "[ Poles clatter]" "Hey, Alvin." "ALVIN:" "Yeah?" "I lied to you." "I do have my eye on someone that's a girl." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Her name is Maggie Johnston." "She's a total goddess." "I've been working on her for a while." " Nice." " Yeah." "But I kind of messed it up, though." "I lost her to my friend Kip, but I think they were on the road to splitting up if the way she was behaving last time I saw her at the dance club was any indication." "Problems in the relationship?" "Probably by now." "ALVIN:" "Was she, uh, giving off signals?" "LANCE:" "Signals?" "Yeah." "Well, she was making out with me in a toilet, if that's a signal." "ALVIN:" "What?" "LANCE:" "Someone knocked on the door." "Probably would have gone full lamb chop if no one had knocked." " With your friend Kip's girlfriend?" " Yeah." "Probably ex-girlfriend by now." "LANCE:" "Are you sure you don't want to come into the city this weekend?" "You could crash at my parents' place with me." "No." "Thanks, though." "I'm gonna stay here." "I could use the solo time." "Not me." "I get lonely." "LANCE:" "What's up?" "[ Lance sighs ]" "ALVIN:" "There's birds in here." "Oh, so just, uh, toss me the keys, and I'll pick you up on Monday." "You need any help with the camp, setting up?" "Sure." "Really?" "You know what?" "Don't worry about it." "I'll get it." "Oh." "But you do have to do one thing." "I want you to mail that for me, all right?" "It's for your sister, and there's money in there, so be careful with it." "Sweet." "How much?" "None... of your business." " Aw, come on." "How much?" " Hundreds of dollars." "Why doesn't she get a job?" "Why do you send her money?" " She's got a lot going on." " No, she doesn't." "She stays at home and talks on the phone and chews gum." "ALVIN:" "Yeah, she's raising her child." "Who's in school all day." "Drop it." "So you just take off and bust your ass and send money back home?" "It's called love." "LANCE:" "I don't get it." "Yeah, well, you know what?" "You don't have to get it, all right?" "All you have to do is mail that letter." "Oh, and one more thing." "Lance!" "[ sighs ] What?" "Have fun." "Thanks." "[ Door closes, engine turns over]" "[ sighs ]" "Ah." "[music]" "ALVIN:" "Hello." "Is this your house?" "[ Chuckles ] Was." "[ chuckling ] Past tense." "Everything's past tense now." "This is the bedroom, and our bed was on this flat area." "ALVIN:" "This was your bed?" "WOMAN:" "This was it." "Ha ha!" "And this was on the back of the bed." "Envision a tall case up on legs, and it had a whole lot of drawers." "And they just fit there perfectly." "It was like, um... the house was waiting for my... ha ha!" "... my furniture." "Ha!" "WOMAN:" "I speak a little German, from when I used to live over there." "All the..." "All of these things are..." "are like memories." "Sometimes I feel like I'm digging in my own ashes." "Um... people don't realize that af... you know, even though the fire was, uh," "I guess, what, six, seven months?" "Nine?" "I don't know how long since the fire." "Um... but it's harder for you now... harder for me now, anyway." "I thought I was strong and... adaptable and, um..." "You know, how's anybody gonna prove that... that... you know, I had all these experiences and the, uh... flying and, um..." "Flying?" "Yeah, I was a pilot." "I'm just looking for the pilot's license with the logbook." "ALVIN:" "Was the pilot's license a piece of paper?" "Yeah, a little card and a book." "The logbook was like this, you know." "Do you think it would have burned up?" "I guess so." "But, uh... you never know when miracles happen." "You could find it, I guess." " Oh." " Good luck to you." "You, too." "Honey?" "I'm home." "Sweetie..." "Oh, it smells good." "What are you making?" "Mmm." "Sweetheart." "Nice little birds." "Hmm." "Sweetie?" "Where are you?" "Upstairs?" "Babe?" "Sorry." "I didn't know you were on the phone." "No, no, no, it's okay." "You don't have to get off." "I'm just gonna go downstairs." "Bye. [ kiss]" "It was good." "[music]" "ALVIN:" "Hey, man." "Hey, welcome back." "Hi." "Yeah, you're looking good." " Huh?" " You look fresh." "Your outfit, your ensemble." "You look sharp." "Move it." "Is that a lab coat?" "Yeah." "Bought myself this coat." "ALVIN:" "Very cool." "How was your weekend?" "New watch?" "Yeah." "I splurged." "Oh, cool." "Is it waterproof?" "Yeah, to, like, 50 meters." "It's got daily alarm, world timer, countdown." " Cost 38 bucks." " Wow." "Shockproof." "ALVIN:" "Wow." "That's pretty new-wave." "Well, I'm glad you're back." "We've got a lot of work to do today, okay?" "ALVIN:" "You okay?" "Yeah, okay." "Okay." "[ Lance sighs ]" "Oh." "Sorry." "I got caulk on you." "[ Lance chuckles ]" "Hilarious." "ALVIN:" "So nothing happened?" "LANCE:" "Huh?" "This weekend." "Didn't do anything?" "Didn't cut loose?" "Come on." "What's the scoop?" "Oh." "No." "What about Peggy Jackson?" " Peggy?" " Yeah." " You mean Maggie Johnston?" " Maggie Johnston." "You didn't get the little man squeezed?" "Nope." "That's too bad." "[ sighs ]" "[ engine turns over ]" "What about her boyfriend?" "She break up with him?" "Sort of." "Hey." "So what's the problem?" "Can't we just listen to the silence?" "Yeah, sure." "ALVIN:" "So not even a little bit of fingering?" "LANCE:" "Yeah, a little bit." "It was a really stupid weekend." "Oh?" "Do tell." "LANCE:" "Yeah." "It all started just after I left." "I wasn't even near Hidden Ridge and I got a flat tire." "I'd been driving for less than an hour, and I ran over a sharp object." "Have you ever had to change a tire on a truck like that?" " Yeah." " It's so hard." "Mm-hmm." "It took me so long." "I mean... [ scoffs ]..." "It took me a great length of time to change the tire, so, like, I didn't even get home until, like, midnight or something." "And I was covered in grease and very gross, so I went into my kitchen and had some salsa and had a beer, and then... the next thing you know..." "I'm fast asleep." "Well, that's... that's your body telling you it's exhausted." " It's weird." " No, it's not that weird." "I mean, you've been out here working hard for almost five days." "No, you haven't even heard the weird part, dummy." "ALVIN:" "Okay." "I fell asleep right in the middle of my kitchen, and I was standing straight up." " That's weird." " Yeah." "And I didn't wake up until my mom and dad woke up the next morning and came down for breakfast and had snacks." "And they just saw you standing there, sleeping?" "Yeah." "So I didn't get a party Friday night, which was really disappointing, but I figured, hey, I'll be in good shape for Saturday night." "So I hit the bars with some buddies and we had some cocktails." "Right away, I saw two chicks who would totally have partied with me." "I'd actually..." "I'd actually screwed one of them before, which was okay, but she had these fat little legs, which I found a bit bizarre." "And whenever we would make love, she would always flap her arms up and down like she was trying to fly." "Maybe she was trying to escape." "No, no, no, no." "Orgasms." "She just gets excited." "[ Chuckles ] Fantastic." "[ Lance sighs ]" "And so I'd already decided I was going to sleep with Peggy." " I mean Maggie." " Mm-hmm?" "Or someone of that quality." "So we go to the Bub Club, and then she shows up." " Maggie?" " Yeah." "Maggie Johnston... looking so foxy, as always... and I'm sensing that she's really into me as well." "You know, so we go, we hit the dance floor, and it's lining up nice, because we're both really good dancers." "And I have to dance twice as hard to compete with these younger guys, you know?" "I mean, I'm not as fresh as I used to be, now that I'm all fat and old." "Right." "And then it's closing time, and I ask her to come home with me, but she really wants to keep partying." "And there's an after party at her friend's mom's house, so I'm like, okay, you know, because I don't really have a choice if I want to score." "You know." "And then I get this feeling like it's not gonna happen." "I don't know what it is." "I mean..." "I'm not saying that I'm psychic or anything, but it's just sometimes I feel like I can..." "Do you know what I mean?" "Intuition." "Yeah." "It's just that sometimes I know what's gonna happen." "ALVIN:" "Yeah." "So we go to the party, and we start laughing, and I take her into this bedroom, and we start making out, and I start fingering her." "[ sighs ] And I can tell how horny she is for me." "And then, all of a sudden, she asked me to stop it." "You know, she got paranoid or something, like she heard something." "I get her to promise that she'll come home with me after the party." "ALVIN:" "Well, you know, obviously." "And she says yeah." "You know, she says okay." "So then we leave the bedroom, and we walk smack into Kip." "Your friend Kip?" "LANCE:" "No." "My ex-friend Kip." "Ah." "I see." "LANCE:" "And even before I realize who it is, he's already furious at seeing us together... [ sighs ]" "And he punches me in the face." "ALVIN:" "Oh." " [ chuckles ] He nailed you." " Yeah." "So she starts yelling at him and crying, telling him how sorry she is, and I'm just sitting there, you know, holding my face." "And then they leave, and she's completely hysterical, but she leaves with Kip and doesn't say good-bye." "You know, and he's pissed." "I mean, he's freaking out." "He really shouldn't drink." " Really?" " Yeah." "You know?" "He's a complete jerk when he drinks." "So, with them gone, you know, I figure I'll just see if I can hook up with the one with the fat little legs, but... you know, she's French-kissing on the floor with somebody" "that..." "I don't even know." "Then yesterday was Sunday, so no parties and no chance of getting puss because everyone's at church." "[ sighs ]" "Don't worry about it." "You know, there's plenty of other weekends." "[ voice cracks ] Yeah." "ALVIN:" "Maggie Johnston sounds a little bit confused." "You shouldn't let these girls mess with your head." "[sniffles, sighs]" "Yeah, I know." "I'm pretty optimistic about next weekend, though." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah. [sniffles]" "I'm going to this regional beauty pageant." "It's like Miss America, but... [ sniffles ]... way before Miss America, but that kind of thing, you know." "It's, like, for girls who..." "might want to be Miss America and might be Miss America later." "Oh, whoa." "Feeling pretty good about your chances?" "Yeah." "I've got, like, an 80 to 90% success rate at these things." "A lot of the women get their hormones in a tizzy at competitive events and... when you get a..." "Well, then, even the losers are like winners to me." "It's really cool." "Boy, somehow, in your mind, you truly do perceive yourself as a gentleman, don't you?" "LANCE:" "Huh?" "[ speaks German ]" "[ truck creaking ]" "Sure you don't want any hot fish?" "Naw." "My stomach feels funny." "Think I'm still hungover from the weekend." "ALVIN:" "Did you take an antacid?" "LANCE:" "Ahem." "Yeah." "ALVIN:" "ls everything okay?" "Yeah." "Really don't feel like being out here right now." "And I don't mean to be rude, but..." "I don't feel like socializations." "You know what?" "Why don't you take my rod and reel, go out, see if you can't catch us a couple of fish?" "Naw." "ALVIN:" "No, do it." "You'll feel better." "I promise, it's good for the soul." " Nah." " Do it." "You can borrow my rod, my reel, my net." "You can borrow my waders, borrow my swim trunks." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Okay." "What's this?" "Oh, I forgot." "That's your mail." "You got a letter from Madison." " What?" " Yeah, I put it in your bag." "Aren't you gonna take the rod?" "No, that's okay." "[ Rainfall ]" "[ distant thunder ] [ music ]" "Aah!" "Oh!" "[ Panting ]" " [ Birds chirping ]" " Alvin?" "[shouts ] Alvin!" "Alvin?" "[ music ]" "[ Heavy metal music playing ]" "[ Door slams ]" "TRUCK DRIVER:" "Hey, buddy." "LANCE:" "Hey." "Glad to see you're still here." "I've been thinking about you guys." "LANCE:" "Cool." "Good to see you." "Damn truck broke down." "Hallelujah done quit on me." "It's a bad day." " [ Music stops ]" " Get out of here." "[ grunts ]" " Here you go." " Oh, thanks." "Well, any idea how many lines you painted down there?" "Uh." "I have no idea." "You covered the whole asphalt section till the gravel begins." "That's 8.2 miles." "And that's an average of 4.6 meters between each line and about 5 meters long on each line." "Now, how much that make?" "I have no idea." "You mean you don't know?" "Well, hold on." " [ watch beeps ]" " How many miles did you say?" "8.2. divided by 4.6." "You said there's 1,000 meters in a mile." "Or, no, no. 1,000..." "1,000 feet in a meter." "I have 854.888." "That's amazing." "And I calculate 855." "That's amazing!" "Drink up!" "That is real good." "So, where was that lady going?" "What lady?" "The lady that got out of your truck a second ago." "Well, now, look here, buddy, if there'd have been a lady in my truck," "I'd hold on tight." "I wouldn't let her go." "No lady in my truck." " Mmm." " What's up?" "Where's your friend?" "He sort of got a letter from his girlfriend." "She dumped him." "TRUCK DRIVER:" "Oh, man." "Why?" "She's actually..." "She's actually my sister." " Your sister's his girlfriend?" " Yeah." "Probably ex-girlfriend now." "What kind of friend are you?" "He's in trouble, and you're sitting here drinking?" " I..." "I mean, he's not..." " Jesus Christ." "[ grabs and opens bottle ] I thought I had troubles." "You're hopeless as tits on a boar hog." " [ shakes bottle ]" " Never seen a..." "Cheers." "You married?" " You have a girlfriend?" " No." "Well, let me give you a little advice:" "never sleep with the same woman more than three times in a row no matter how good it is." "Otherwise, you start to develop feelings." "Feelings." "That's... how you feel." "Mm." "Oh, check it out." "Here he comes." "You know what?" "[ car approaching ] I got to get out of here." "I have no interest in listening to some grown man cry, so, uh, I'm gonna leave this with you, and, uh... yeah." "This'll get you through the toughest part." "I'll see you down the road." "Like the shoes." "Hallelujah!" "ALVIN:" "You know that paint is poisonous, right?" "LANCE:" "ls everything okay?" "Yeah." "It's just... you were gone when I woke up this morning." "I had to make a phone call." "Oh, you drove all the way to town?" "Is there something you want to talk about?" "What would I want to talk about?" "I don't know." "I just had a feeling you might want to talk about something." "You gonna hit it in with your hand?" "You know... sometimes it's just better to talk about it..." "You know, could we just enjoy the silence a little bit?" "Yeah." "Sure." "I just think sometimes it's just..." "It's better to talk about stuff." "Why don't you be self-sufficient for once, huh?" "Do I have to keep you entertained all the time?" "You know, some people take this job 'cause they want a little peace." "Some people do this job because they want to be left alone." "Just trying to be nice." "Is everything all right with Madison?" "Oh, man." "Why don't you ask her?" "I don't know." "I just... thought maybe you got some bad news or something." "What is wrong with you, huh?" "You're just like her!" ""What's the matter with you?" ""What's the matter with you?" "What's wrong?" ""What else?" "What else?" "What else?"" "LANCE:" "It's not my fault she dumped you." "What?" "What did you say?" " I don't know." "I..." " What did you say?" "Have you been poking around in my letters?" "Did you open my manila envelope?" "Did you read my mail?" "What is wrong with you?" "What is wrong with this family?" "My God, this family!" "This family!" "You are a weak people!" "You are a weak, feeble, flimsy, tenuous people, who don't know how to be alone for five minutes, regardless of how much they're loved!" "Sorry." "How did you live your life up to this point without knowing how to gut a fish or build a tent or tie a knot or minding your own business?" "Then how did you live this long and not kill yourself for being such a boring loser who thinks he's so smart and good at everything?" "For your information, you're not!" "You suck, and that's why she left you!" "You know, you're always leaving town, you're always struggling with yourself!" "She wanted a serious relationship, and she saw right through you!" "You blew it!" "[ Crow cawing ]" "ALVIN:" "You're not getting paid today." " Let go." " Let go!" " Come on." " What are you doing?" "Get off me, jerk!" "Ow!" "Ah!" "Ow!" "[ telephone line ringing ]" "[ rings ]" "[ Click ]" " MADISON:" "Hello?" " ALVIN:" "Hello?" "MADISON:" "Hey." "Did you get my letter?" "ALVIN:" "Is it true?" "Is it..." "What you wrote, is that true?" "MADISON:" "Where have you been, Alvin?" "It's what it..." "You know, it all comes down to that." "Where have you been?" "I need someone that wants to be with me, that is..." " I do!" " But who's here?" "ALVIN:" "I am!" "MADISON:" "You're always leaving." "ALVIN:" "This is my life, baby." " I do this for us, for us to save." " I know." " For us to save and to run away." " I know, but I need something else." "Look, I can't ask you to change." "I can't." "ALVIN:" "Yes, you can." "You can ask me to change." "You don't, but you do." "Clearly, you do want me to change." "And I will." "You don't even ask." "You just assume that I won't." "You assume all these things." "You don't even ask." "You have to ask." "You just assume..." "We'll work it out." "You assume that I'm set in my ways, I have my life, and everything is like it is, but it is not." "Everything I do is for us, whatever makes you happy, whatever makes us happy." "MADISON:" "I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I never heard you say that." "I didn't know." "ALVIN:" "No, you know what?" "It's not that." "It's 'cause you always want to be in control." "That's what it is." "You're afraid." "Deep down, you are afraid." "You don't want to be vulnerable." "Listen to me." "I'm not going anywhere." "MADISON:" "I'm sorry, Alvin." "ALVIN:" "This guy, is he who you want to be with?" "MADISON:" "It's serious." "ALVIN:" "You don't want to give us a chance?" "MADISON:" "I can't live with you." " ALVIN:" "I love you." " MADISON:" "You're killing me." " I'm what?" " You're killing me!" " Stop!" " [ Busy signal ] [ wind howling ]" "[ Dial tone]" "[ dial tone fades ]" "Lance, let's go." "Come on, we got work to do." "Let's go." "[jiggling door handle]" "Hey, open the door." "No way, Alvin." "I'm on strike." "Open the door!" "We've got work to do!" "Let's go!" "I said I'm on strike because you're being a crazy person." "Let's" "Do you know the only reason that you have this job is because I was being nice to your sister?" "That's it." "I was being nice, and I was giving you the opportunity to get your act together and straighten up." "You quit acting so immature, learn a little discipline." "But I don't have to be nice to you anymore, because I am not loved by your sister." "She doesn't love me, so I don't have to love you." "I could call the boss right now and have you fired." "Don't threaten me." "You think you're so tough!" "I could beat you up." " You can't beat me up." " Oh, you want to bet?" "[ chuckling ]" "Look at you, calling me immature." "You're just a worthless sack of crap." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, at least I don't go around thinking" "I'm a great dancer when I actually stink at dancing." "You've never even seen me dance." "I've seen you do a lot of things when you don't think I'm watching." "You're the worst person in the world." "[ Panting ] [ grunting ]" "ALVIN:" "You can't catch me!" "[ Panting ]" "You're the worst person in the world!" "[ Howls]" "ALVIN:" "Lance!" "Help!" "LANCE:" "Alvin?" "ALVIN:" "Help!" "Alvin?" "LANCE:" "Alvin." " ALVIN:" "Oh, my God." " Are you okay?" "Oh, yeah, I'm all right." "I just..." "LANCE:" "What are you doing?" "ALVIN:" "Oh, I nailed my hips." "What?" "Yeah, I think I..." "I think I messed up my hips." "Did you fall off this cliff?" "ALVIN:" "Yeah." "LANCE:" "Are you pulling my legs?" "No." " Are there snakes down there?" " I don't know." "Are there snakes down there?" "ALVIN:" "I have no idea!" "Maybe!" "[ sighs ]" "ALVIN:" "Careful, careful." "There's moss." "Careful." " [ Grunts ]" " Good job." "Why'd you fall off a cliff?" "I didn't." "I jumped." "Will you help me?" "ALVIN:" "I don't know what I was doing." "I feel like a fool." "I was running, and then I reached the cliff, and all I know is I wanted to either fly or kill myself." "LANCE:" "Kill yourself by jumping off a 12-foot cliff?" "Sometimes I can do things that can't really happen." "What does that mean?" "I'm impossible." "We should probably get your hips to the hospital to get a checkup." "My hips are fine." "It was just the shock when I landed because..." "I did fly for seven seconds." "I was flying, and then I..." "landed on my side." "But my hip isn't broken." "It's just bruised and beat up and... stupid and old like me." "Stupid hip." "What's on your face?" "Oh." "It was supposed to be war paint." "Heh heh!" "I'm sorry about your watch." "I shouldn't have crushed it." "It was really cool." "I'd also like to apologize for the way I spoke to you." "I had no right to insult you like that." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's not such a big deal." "You know, we were just being jerks, trying to hurt each other's feelings." "I read in a pamphlet back when I was in school that sometimes, when you say something ugly to somebody, you know, you're really just trying to build your own self up like..." "like you're special." "So when you say something negative and insult the other person... you're really just showing that other person what an unsure-of-yourself-type person that you really feel like you are." "ALVIN:" "I know." "I read that pamphlet, too." "[ Chuckles weakly ]" "You know, I thought that this... job would be good for me to think about the relationship I have with Madison." "You know, I thought I could learn to do better, that I could figure out a way to be happy with my life and still give her what she needs." "But the distance apart gave her the opportunity to... get scared or just... disappear." "So is it really over?" "Seems pretty black and white to me." "[ music ]" "There's another guy." "I talked to her on the phone." "LANCE:" "Are you serious?" "Is he a foreigner?" "Is he that Mexican guy?" "ALVIN:" "Wait." "What?" "LANCE:" "Never mind." "This guy is half Native American." "He goes by B.B." " B.B.?" " Yeah." "Calls himself Buster Brown, you know, like in Buster Brown?" "He's half Native American, half Italian." "Whoa." "Pretty exotic." "Do you know him?" "No, but I feel like I do." "She talks about him all the time." "I can't believe I didn't..." "God, I could see his face." "She has no idea what she deserves." "What does she deserve?" "Me." "Someone who's gonna wake up early in the morning and feed the chickens with her, who'll proofread her poetry or sit in that old chair that her mom made." "I bet you're the only guy that does that." "No one else." " You think?" " No one else!" "I bet this new guy really sucks." "You know, I bet he hardly even exists." "You know, she's just scared and he's safe and that's it." "I love her." "That part sucks." "Ha ha!" "LANCE:" "Were they friends?" "No." "He was her chiropractor." "Her what?" "Chiropractor." "What's that?" "What's that?" "You don't know what a chiroprac..." "I know, but just remind me." "It's a guy who specializes in the treatment and disorder of the..." "skeleton." "It's like a masseuse." "LANCE:" "Skeletons?" "She used to go in to see to her neck." "LANCE:" "Mmm." "She's hooking up with a masseuse." "Gross, Madison." "Disgusting." " [ Clinks bottles together twice ]" " The truck driver gave us this." "What?" "Yen Oh!" "[ sighs ] He said it'd help you get through the toughest part." "What do you mean?" "I told him how much you liked it, so he gave us a whole case." "You didn't tell him about what happened to me, did you?" "I mean, you didn't say anything about it?" "LANCE:" "No." "No, I told him that you were a prince that had been..." "banished from his kingdom and that you were forced to work out on the roads with an old peasant like me." "Go... back to your old castle." "Oh." "Fart." "Just get drunk for three months." "Maybe more." "Maybe someday you can get her back." "I don't know." "I also had a tough weekend last weekend." "Why, 'cause you didn't get laid?" "Cathy's pregnant." "What?" "[ sighs ] Cathy Crosby." "Who's Cathy Crosby?" "[ grunts ]" "She's 47." "She's an older lady I slept with two or three times." "It was nothing special." "Mom gave me a Post-it on Saturday and told me I had to call Cathy... but I didn't bother." "But after the beat-ups on Saturday night," "I thought it might be good to at least get a little something, and so I called her." "And then I go over to her place, and she's all dramatic and says there's no chance of getting it on and that she just wants to talk." "And I'm like..." ""Boring!" ""What do you want to talk about?"" "And then she starts crying, freaking out, and she tells me that she's pregnant and she doesn't know what to do." "And I'm like, "What?" "Is it mine?"" "She tells me she hasn't partied with anybody else for the last six months." "So I tell her that we can't do this, you know." "She's just gonna have to get a "labortion."" "She wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant, you know?" "She's not fresh anymore." "She's old." "That's the whole point." "[ sighs ]" "So I tell her that she has to take care of the baby by herself if she wants to keep it." "Don't be an idiot." "This is... a gift." "This is a..." "It's the most beautiful thing that can happen to a person, especially..." "someone like you." "[ Scoffs ]" "I'm not ready to be a dad." "ALVIN:" "Who is?" "No one is ever ready." "You just... you just... do, you know?" "It's the next step." "It's the..." "Become a dad." "Deal with it, you know what I mean?" "Some things are gonna be stinks, all right?" "You get no sleep." "But other parts are going to be the greatest things ever." "[sighs]" "ALVIN:" "It's a miracle." "You should be grateful that Madison already had a kid when you met her." "You should be... thankful." "ALVIN:" "Maybe so." "You're a funny fish." "[ Lance chuckles ]" "1... 2... 3" "BOTH: 1, 2, 3!" "[ Alvin groans ]" " Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo." " Whoo!" "BOTH: ♪ Ooh ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh ooh ♪" "♪" " Yeah ♪ ♪" " Oh, yeah ♪" "♪ Hear we got a bad connection ♪" " ♪ Bad connection ♪ - ♪ Don't hang up the line ♪" "♪" " Don't hang up ♪ ♪" " Don't, don't hang up ♪" " ♪ 'Cause we're gonna be fine ♪ - ♪ It's bad connections ♪" "♪ We just need to open our hands ♪" "♪" " Open up ♪ ♪" " To our brothers ♪" "♪ Bad connections ♪" " ♪ Happening all over ♪ - ♪ Bad connections ♪" "♪" " I can't get a dial tone ♪ ♪" " The tone ♪" "♪ America from north and south ♪" "♪ North and south ♪" "♪ What we need is to unite... ♪" "[ Both singing gibberish ]" "♪ We'll form a good connection ♪" "♪ A strong reception ♪" " ♪ Best reception ♪ - ♪ The crackle on the line on the telephone ♪" " ♪ Feeling so fine ♪" " Whoa!" "♪ Feeling so fine ♪ 1.2, 3!" "♪ Connection and... ♪" "♪ We got a bad connection ♪" "♪ We got a drunk connection... ♪ [ drunken singing fades out ] [ music ]" "[ distant thunder ]" "[ Rainfall ]" "MAN ON GERMAN LANGUAGE TAPE:" ""Kennen" means "to know."" "WOMAN ON TAPE:" "Yes, it means "to get to know you."" " [ Alvin repeating in German ]" " MAN, ON TAPE: "Zu," "to."" "[ woman speaks German ]" "MAN ON TAPE: "Zu," "to."" "[ woman speaks German ]" " [ Both repeat in German ]" " MAN ON TAPE:" "Pleased to meet you." "[ woman speaks German ]" "[ Both repeating in German ] [ woman speaks German ]" "[ Alvin repeating in German ]" " MAN ON TAPE:" "How are you?" " [ woman speaks German ]" "MAN ON TAPE:" "Ah, you say, "How goes it you?"" "[ man speaks German ] [ woman repeats in German ]" "[ Lance repeats in German ]" " MAN ON TAPE:" "How are you?" " [ woman speaks German ]" " [ Lance repeats in German ] - [ woman speaks German ]" "[ Both repeat in German ] [ woman speaks German ]" "MAN, ON TAPE:" "How are you?" " [ woman speaks German ] - [ Both repeating in German ] [crickets chirping ]" "Alvin?" "Alvin?" "Do you really think I should have this baby?" "Yeah, absolutely." "I was just... thinking about what you said about it being a miracle and all." "Maybe it's unfair to make her give it up if it's difficult for her to get pregnant in the first place." "ALVIN:" "Hmm." "Maybe I'll call her tomorrow, tell her we can do whatever she wants and... now that I got this cool job working for you," "I can support whatever she wants." "Good idea." "You should probably do whatever she wants anyway, but that's a good-person thing to do." "You should support that." "You're not the idiot some people think you are." "Lance?" "Yeah?" "Are you still going to the beauty show this weekend?" "LANCE:" "You mean the regional beauty pageant?" "Yeah." "LANCE:" "Yeah." "Of course." "I know I'm not a fun person, but... do you think it would be all right if I went with you?" "LANCE:" "Do you like beauty pageants?" "I've never been to one." "I just don't want to be by myself this weekend." "Of course you can." "It'll be an adventure." "Hey, maybe they'll even make a comic book about us someday..." ""The Adventures of Alvin and Lance."" ""Alvin and Lance." Heh!" "We just need to get you laid by a beautiful girl." "ALVIN:" "I just want to have a good time." "Well, partying with a future Miss America sounds like a heck of a good time to me." "I even know some of the contestants." "[ grunts ]" "Who knows?" "[sighs ]" "Maybe they'll even want to hang out with a couple of old fatties like us." "Hey, Alvin?" "Hmm?" "LANCE:" "If you were in a regional beauty pageant and you were a girl... what would your special talent be?" "ALVIN:" "Triple jump." "Huh?" "ALVIN:" "Triple jump." "What's triple jump?" "ALVIN:" "It's three jumps." "Oh, yeah." "Good night." "ALVIN: [ whispers ] Good night." "[music]" "LANCE:" "Get on it." "[ engine turns over ]" " Hey, Alvin." " What?" "Remember that cash you asked me to give Madison from last week?" "Yeah." "Well, I have a confession to make." "I... sort of forgot to send it to her." "What?" "I was gonna tell you." "I was just..." "You know, I was really afraid you were gonna get mad at me." "ALVIN:" "That's great!" " Really?" " Absolutely." "That's fantastic." "Let's spend it this weekend on some ladies who deserve us." "Yeah!" "ALVIN:" "You know what?" "Take $40 out of there." "Buy yourself another watch." "I already did." "Whoa." "Check it out." "Hitchhiker." "Hey, I know that woman." "I know that..." "I know..." "Hey!" "Excuse me." "Do you need a ride?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Everything okay?" "LANCE:" "Maybe she doesn't speak English." "[ speaking German ]" "TRUCK DRIVER:" "Well, well, well!" "Heh!" "You guys all done fixing the road?" "Uh, no." "We're just taking a few days off." "We're gonna have some fun." "TRUCK DRIVER:" "Yeah?" "Good for you guys." "Good for you." "You deserve it." "Ha ha!" "Hey, that's the woman that got out of your truck." "What?" "!" "That's the woman that got out of your truck the other day." "That's her." "Woman?" "What woman?" "That's definitely the woman that got out of your truck." "There's no woman in my truck!" "There is a woman in your truck!" " Whoa, whoa..." " There is!" "Hey, hold on." "If there was a woman in that truck..." "I'm not saying that there is..." "There is." "But if there was, would you be good to her?" "Huh?" "ALVIN:" "Would you be good to her?" "Would you make sure that everything is okay?" "You better believe it." "[ engine starts ]" "[ music ]" "[ Indistinct chatter ]" "I do want to kiss you." "GIRL:" "Okay, run!" "Run!" "Run!" "[ laughing ]" "Ooh, look, he drives." "You like driving this way and this way." "Pedals." "GIRL:" "Yeah, let's go around to that chicken." "Come here, chicken." "Here, chicken." "Let's get that chicken." "Let's go get some more chickens." "[ Indistinct chatter]" "Chickens." "Let's get some more chickens." "[ music ]" "[ Music ends ]" "LANCE:" "♪ Brothers and sisters ♪" "ALVIN:" "♪ Ooh ooh ooh... ♪" "LANCE:" "♪ Fathers and brothers ♪" "ALVIN: ♪ Put your hand in the bosom of the land ♪" "LANCE:" "♪ Bosom, bosom... ♪" " ♪ Bad connections happen all over ♪ - ♪ Bad connections... ♪" "LANCE:" "♪ I can't get a dial tone ♪" "ALVIN:" "♪ The tone ♪" "LANCE: ♪ Can't get my girl on the phone ♪" "ALVIN: ♪ Where is my girl on the phone?" "♪" "LANCE:" "♪ She's nowhere to be seen ♪" " ♪ Nowhere to be seen ♪ - ♪ Seen ♪"