"PATRICK:" "Yeah, so, you know," "I figured we'd go early on in the day, and then we'd make sure that we see everyone." "And you'd get to meet everybody and they can look at you and judge your haircut, considering your profession." "(CHUCKLES)" "You think they'll like it?" "PATRICK:" "I think they will." "(SIZZLING)" "I guess the only reason" "I bring up the thing about the friends is that, you know, they can be kind of intense." "Particularly Agustin." "But it's not his birthday, right?" "No, I told you, it's Dom's." "How did you guys meet again?" "I know that, um... you met Agustin in college, but Dom, you..." "How do you know him?" "Um..." "Well, we actually hooked up once." "But it was eons ago, and it's never again." "Conveniently left that out." "No." "Not on purpose." "We're just truly and completely friends now." "To be honest, I think that..." "I'm a little old for Dom at this point, if you know what I mean." "I told you Owen's gonna be there, right?" "My friend from work, with his girlfriend Bethany." "And Doris will be there as well, which, you know, she's... a lot." "If you're tweaking out about me meeting your friends, I can skip it." "I'm not" " There's no tweaking." "I'm not tweaking, no." "I just, you know..." "It's the first time they're meeting my boyfriend, so of course I want it to go good." "Boyfriend?" "Who said I was your boyfriend?" "Oh, God." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to..." "Relax." "Now I got me a boyfriend and shit." "And a WASP, too." "Score." "You want some enfrijoladas?" "Boyfriend?" "Come on." "And she gets through all of Carmen with a broken heel." "Wow." "He's exaggerating just a bit." "This is drag her-story, honey." "Exaggeration makes the truth tolerable." "Besides, Lynn was there." "I was." "Did Mama Jose ever leave a show unfinished?" "She did not." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "Mama Jose" " It sounds like a cheap taco joint." "(CHUCKLES)" "She was a World War ll veteran." "I think she earned the right to call herself whatever she liked." "And she helped build half the restaurants in this city." "Which is why I wanted you boys to meet." "Dom's in restaurants." "Zuni, right?" "Yep." "Ten years." "I love Zuni, but the last thing this city needs is another Zuni." "You're right, and that's not what I'm interested in doing." "Well, what is it you have in mind?" "Do you guys ever have Peri-Peri chicken?" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)" "FRANK:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Babe!" "Babe, babe." "What are you doing?" "It's-- It's not working." "What are you talking about?" "These are great." "That's great." "No." "It's just..." "Oh, man." "I--I don't know." "That guy's hot." "Hot?" "(SCOFFS) That's all?" "I mean, he's" "Hot?" "I" "I thought that was the point." "I don't know, I think maybe I pushed the chicken too much." "Jack seemed to like it, and he can be a picky bitch." " Oh, tell me about it." "Good." "DO you think we should, I don't know, follow up tomorrow or...?" "(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)" "Oh, relax." "These things, they take time and patience." "I'll call him, but, you know, from the way they were talking about it, I think we've got a real shot." "Are you gonna answer that?" "It's just Facebook." "I'm officially 40 on the East Coast." "So begin the birthday posts." " You're 40 today?" "No." "No, I'm still 39 in California." "I'm hanging on to that as long as I can." " Thank you." "Well, happy birthday." "Thanks." "You got plans, I hope?" "Yeah." "Do you have a thing for this?" " Sure." "We're gonna go to Dolores Park." "I'm going to drink modestly and sulk." "You know at 40, Grindr emails you a death certificate?" "Sad, but true." "It'll be like the Ghost of Christmas Past walking through Gay Beach tomorrow." "(LYNN CHUCKLES) That sounds fun, doesn't it?" " You should come." "Oh, that's sweet of you, but my tomorrow's booked." "Oh, it is?" "You're surprised'!" "No, it's just" " I don't know." "Let me tell you something." "On my 40th birthday, we did mushrooms in a canoe on the Russian River." "Maybe you're self-issuing your own death certificate a little prematurely." "Have fun sulking in the park." "Looks good." "Here." "Thank you." "You're good at that." "Hey." "Pato?" "Yeah?" "What you said last night about us..." "Yeah, the boyfriend thing." "Look, I did not mean..." " No." "...to throw that bomb out there." "I'm in." "You're in'!" "Yeah." "Okay." "Uh..." "I just wanted to, um..." " You see me wear my thing?" "Your necklace?" "No, not my necklace." "My escapulario." "Oh, yeah." "The brown thing." "Yeah." "It's something that..." "Someone's gotta give it to you." "It's kind of a tradition." " It's for good luck." "Okay." "Oh, my God. ls that where you went this morning?" "Yeah." "(EXHALES)" "Oh, my God." "That's so sweet." "It was four dollars." "But still." "Um..." "But it would mean a lot to me." " Yeah?" "Yeah, put it on." "You've seen how I wear it, right?" "Yeah." "It looks nice." "Yeah?" "Thank you." "CJ feels intimate with these fat guys who are paying him, right?" "We really don't have to talk about it anymore." "No, I'm just asking." "I don't want to be one of those annoying people who keeps talking ad nauseam about what they do." "Oh, she's so modest, my little Cindy Sherman." "CJ just does what he wants to when he wants to." "He doesn't feel the need to judge it or explain it, so that's what I'm going to do." "We're just going to keep spending time together." "Okay." "So when do I get to meet him?" "You'll meet him today." " You invited him?" "I did." "Okay." " Really, though?" "Yeah, it's fine." "Would you get some of the Cheetos, the hot ones?" "You're going to be the black guy who brings Cheetos to the party?" "Okay, Cheetos are fucking delicious." " Okay." "Fact." "I really think that we can make this happen together." "Did he impregnate you?" "You are just glowing like a pregnant lady." "No." "We're friends." "God." "Gay men are capable of being friends without fucking, you know." " All right." "Did you know that?" "Yeah, I did know that." "It's just, you know," "God forbid you actually would be fucking somebody who's not half your age who could actually care about you." "Anyway, we work together." "You don't get involved with people who you work with, so..." "Really?" "How many bushy-tailed little busboys have you been through?" "(TUTS) This is different." "It is, isn't it?" "That's exactly my point." " You met Agustin and Frank, right?" "Right." "I don't know where Dom is, though." "Hey!" "No birthday boy yet?" "Oh, Doris texted." "They're like two seconds away." "Cool." "You remember Richie." " How's it going, man?" "Good to see you." "It's good to see you in the light." "Yeah, right?" "Oh, and this is Owen." "Remember I talked about Owen?" "This is Owen and his girlfriend Bethany." " This is Richie." "Oh, the famous Richie." " Nice to meet you, man." "ls this your boyfriend?" "Are you the boyfriend?" "Yeah, I guess I am." "I'm the boyfriend." "Hi." "Wow." "When did this happen?" "Well, it's..." "It's sort of a recent development." "It's fresh." "New." "Okay, well, let us raise a Capri Sun to that." "You have to see the pictures." "No, I definitely-- I definitely need to see them." "They're not even ready yet, so" "What are you, accessorizing now?" "No, this is a..." "What is it?" " It's an escapulario." " Escapulario." "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "No." "I've never even seen something like that before." "Really?" "(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)" "Well, I don't know a single Cuban who'd wear something like that." "I love it." "Hey!" "Did you guys get my text?" "Yeah." "Where's the birthday boy?" "God!" "Lucky I'm a gymnast." "Look at you." "You look 40." "Oh, thank you." "Happy birthday." "Hey." "So, I want you to meet-- This is Richie." "Dom." " Richie, hey!" "Happy birthday." " How much is it for seven?" "15?" "Twenty." "All right." "Thanks, man." "I am feeling objectified." "Well, it's true." "The very first day at work" "I completely thought that he was gay." "And it was because of the way that you kept saying," "(EFFEMINATELY) "Oh, my God."" "All right, but what about your voicemail?" "Oh, my God, yes." "His voicemail is so gay." "My voicemail is not gay." " It is." "It is not." "Well, there's only one way to settle it." "You want me to play my voicemail right here?" "Yes, please." " All right." "Play that shit." "I'm gonna play you my voicemail, but it's not gay." "I sound completely normal." "All right, ready?" "VOICEMAIL:" "Hi, you've reached Patrick" " What is so funny?" "Come on." "It sounds totally normal." "Fucking gay." "Okay, guys, Patty's voicemail isn't gay." " Thank you!" "You're welcome." "It's just that he spends all his time pretending to be a power-top, 'cause he thinks that's what all men are supposed to be!" " Oh, fuck you!" "Who says he's pretending?" "ALL:" "Oh!" "It just got real." "I think your gay voice is sexy, Pato." "My gay voice?" "Everybody really thinks I have a gay voice?" "Really?" "(ALL GIGGLE)" "(EFFEMINATELY) My voice is so gay." "I can't even control how gay my voice is right now." " Embrace it." "It's crazy!" " Or how gay my walk is." "Dude, Patrick..." "I just can't control the way that I walk around." "It's just who I am." "What, Owen?" "I can't hear you, because of my sibilant "S"s." " Kevin's coming over here." "It's so gay." " What?" "Kevin." "Shit." "Fuck, that's my boss." "DORIS:" "Oh, my God." "You're so getting fired." " Hey." "Hi." " Thought that was you." "Yep." "So this is where you come to escape our dungeons." "Yeah." "Well, you know, it's gay, hipster, drunk-girl paradise on a Saturday." "Which kind of makes it not sound like a paradise at all, but..." "MAN:" "Kev." "Hey." "It is the one from the Food Network with the olive oil." " I know." "Oh, my God, it's so good." " Yum." "Oh, sorry." "My manners." "Jon, this is Patrick." "We work together." " Hey." "Jon, hi." "I didn't know you were still in town." "I'm in town permanently." "Perm" " Wha-- Okay." "Jon nailed his interview with the Giants." "What do you do?" "Sports medicine." "I should be jealous, right?" "He stares at world-champion torsos the whole day." "Former world champions." " Hey." "Oh, hey." " Hi." "I'm Kevin." "Richie." " Nice to meet you." "This is Richie." "Hi, Richie." "This is my boyfriend, Jon." "Hey." "So, are you in video games too?" "No, I cut hair, actually." "Oh, right, like for a living?" "Yeah." "Yeah, for now." "But eventually you'll want to, you know... get your own place or something, right?" "I will?" "DORIS:" "Hey!" "It's piñata time, fuckers!" "(ALL CHEERING) Looks like you're needed elsewhere." " Richie, it was nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Yep." "Have fun, boys." "Thank you." " Nice to meet you guys." "Yeah, enjoy the ice cream." " See you." "See you Monday." " Let's do this." "Sure." "(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)" "Yeah!" "Oh, my God." "Yeah!" " Die, younger self, die!" "Self-hate!" "No, Dom, there's a puppy in there!" "Look at this." "Teeth." "Diapers, are you serious?" "God, I'm going to try one of those on." "Just yes." "I love you!" "Show me that love." "Hey." "Hey, you made it." "I made it." "Uh, CJ, this is Frank." "What's up, Frank?" "What's up?" "You want some Cheetos?" "I fucking love Cheetos." "(SIGHS)" "Thanks for this." "Please." "For what?" "Thanks for what?" "I mean, I made a Facebook event." "It wasn't super hard." " Don't tag me." "Why not?" "No, just don't." "I'm skipping this bowling thing." "Really?" "Excuse me." "Are you Dom?" " Is this your birthday party?" "Yeah." "Here you go." "Happy birthday." "Thank you." "Thanks." " Okay, they're from Lynn." "Shut up." "Oh, my God." "Oh, motherfucker." " What is" "Wow." "Oh, my God." " Shut up." "Oh, my God." "(CHATTER, LAUGHING)" "Hey, have you tried this redneck punch that Doris brought?" "It's like a Honey Boo Boo vodka Kool-Aid." " It's actually pretty good." "I'll pass." " Are you sure?" "Yeah, please." "You're missing out." "I don't know what else she put in there." "True." "So, what do you think?" "What do I think about what?" "What do you think about Richie?" " He's pretty fucking cute, right?" "Yeah." " What are you doing, Patrick?" "What do you mean?" "What are you doing letting this guy walk around" "thinking he's your boyfriend?" "So?" "I mean, isn't it like a little cruel?" "I'm sorry, how is that cruel?" "I mean, leading him on?" "Wearing those... hideous matching charm necklaces." "They're not-- It's not a charm necklace." "It's called a" "I" " It's not a necklace." "Okay, and... you brought a fucking hooker to meet your boyfriend at the birthday party." "I'm the cruel one?" "Okay, that's different." "Frank knew CJ was coming." "Okay, but does Frank know you're still paying him?" "I mean, what does CJ charge for birthdays?" "Jesus, man." "Still $220 an hour?" "What are you doing right now?" "I'm sorry, I feel like you talk shit about anyone I'm ever interested in." "Listen, all I'm saying is that it would be really shitty if you were using this poor guy to prove something to us." " Or to yourself, man." "I'm sorry." "What the fuck am I trying to prove?" "You know exactly what you're doing." "You're slumming, and it ain't cute." " Yo, man." "Slumming?" "What's your fucking problem with me, dude?" "Why don't you just say it to my face?" " Dude" " No, I'm sorry." "Come on." "I didn't mean any disrespect." "Oh, "hermano." Now I'm your fucking hermano." " Man, fuck you." "Okay, come on, Richie." "Just, don't." "Let's go." " Let's" " Don't?" "Yeah?" "Come on, come on." "That's what I was telling you about." "He's a fucking crazy" " The guy's a fucking dick." "No, we're going to go." "Why do you fucking hang out with that guy?" "You could teach me?" "That's who I am." "I'm a teacher." "Aw." "What's the matter, baby?" "I'm a fucking asshole." "I don't want to talk about it." "Poor Auggie." "Auggie." "Okay, don't ever call me that ever again." "Well, is there anything that we can do?" "Auggie?" "MAN:" "Get a room, seriously." "Hey." "This is you, right?" "I'm not invisible." "You should text me later." "My roommates are going to be gone." "What?" "Just saying." "I kinda feel like fro-yo." "Do you want some fro-yo?" "I know we just ate all day, but..." "I think I'm gonna go home." " What?" "No." "Yeah..." " I think I'm going to go." "Why?" "Patrick, I don't want to start shit." "I really don't." "Okay." "Are you embarrassed of me?" "What are you talking about?" "I noticed you messing with your scapular all day." "Yeah, no, I'm getting used to it." "It's kinda itchy." "And then there was that thing with your boss about me opening up my own place." "When have I ever said I was going to open up my own salon?" "Yeah, no, I don't know why I said that." "I just assumed that you would." "And you didn't even say anything when your friend said that thing about you slumming it." "Not one word." "Are you slumming it?" " No." "Are you kidding me?" "ls that what this is?" "No." "Agustin was just being an asshole." "I would never let one of my people disrespect you like that." "I know, yeah." "No, you're right." "I'm sorry." "I should have just told him to fuck off." "Pato, I take this boyfriend thing very... very seriously." "So do I." "What are you doing two weeks from now?" "What?" "Two weeks from today, what are you doing?" "Shit, I don't know." "Will you come with me to my sister's wedding?" "What, you don't want to be my date?" "After how today went?" "Look, especially after how today went." "Now you want to throw me at your family?" "I don't think so." "Why?" "It's just too fast, Pato." "No, it's not too fast." "I'm just too slow, okay?" "Look." "Look at me." "I've been slow all my life, and that's over." "Okay?" "Come on." "Hey." "Say you'll go with me." "I don't know." "Hey." "What's wrong?" " You still okay with this?" "I'm okay." "(KISSING)" "Smile, baby." "Yeah." "Do that little dance." "(DEEP BREATHING)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(CELL PHONE CHIMES)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Well, hi." "Well, hi." "You didn't respond to my texts." "Well, not all of us keep our phones on 24/7." "Come on in." "Thanks for the flowers." "They found you." "(SOUNDS FROM TV)" "What?" "That's so stupid." "Hey, did you hear from Jack and Randy?" "Yeah, Randy called." "And?" "Yeah..." "Look, I" "I wanted to wait until tomorrow." "I didn't want to ruin your birthday." "It's okay." "But listen how would you feel about just us?" " What do you mean?" "Well... we find a place, we do a pop-up." "We take it over for a night." "Right?" "We invite Jack and Randy and every other queen with a checkbook that we know, and we show them." "We simplify." "Just like you said, right?" "Yeah, but it would still cost money." "Well, that kind of money I can do." " Lynn, you" "Yeah." "Dom." " Look..." "I know." "If we're going to be in business together..." " Yeah, sure." "I think that's hard enough." " Yeah." "Right?" "Yeah." "We're friends, okay?" "Okay." "Birthday been?" " All right?" "Sure." "(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)" "(SIGHS)" "(TAPPING)" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)"