"Hello, you must be wondering who we are." "We're going to announce that now." "I'm Theo." "I'm Thea." "Aren't we wearing nice embryo costumes?" "Funny, aren't they?" "We're going to play a fairy tale." "Yes, we're playing Snow White." "Snow Whites." "Yes, we're both playing the main part." "Yes, we're royal children." "And we also have a Dutch celebrity." "But we won't tell you who it is yet." "Gerard Joling." "He plays the prince." "Don't give it away, stupid cow." "You didn't hear a thing." "No." "Alright, we're starting." "Haven't we already started?" "Oh yes." "THEO AND THEA AND THE 7 DWARVES" "With Theo and Thea as Snow White" "With Theo and Thea as the 7 dwarves" "With Theo and Thea in all other parts (except the Handsome Prince)" "And with Gerard Joling as the Handsome Prince" "ANOTHER OPERETTA SINGER DISAPPEARED MANURE SURPLUS PROBLEM" "Ah, bonjour." "Bonjour, bonjour." "I'm Eduard of Orange Nasi." "I'm the king." "Yes, we know." "Wear your crown so everybody can see." "But, Marianne, not everyone can see that I'm also honorary member of Road Help and that I'm a keen amateur archaeologist." "I dig up old prehistoric dikes." "But, Edu, I'm not an old dike." "I wasn't pointing at you, but at this old mustard jar we found in a dike." "From the Renaissance." "Eduard, stop talking about that junk." "Talk about something useful." "Explain what the Monetary Fund is." "Let's have a useful start of the day." "Let's have a look." "Can one eat that?" "No, it's a pregnancy test." "An urgent request?" "No, a pregnancy test." "A test to see if you're expecting." "Expecting what?" "A baby, of course." "I think you're more the type to embroider something in an ebony window frame, with snow." "Well, my chicken coop still works fine." "Let's have a look." "Take one drop of morning urine, litmus paper if liquid turns blue, you're expecting." "Well... one drop?" "I have to piss like a mad bull." "By the way, don't rush into things." "First see if it turns blue." "Then we'll decide whether we're happy about it." "You're always so negative." "Always?" "You have to admit you're always weighing pros and cons." "You're never impulsive." "Never spontaneous." "You talk nonsense, Marianne." "Nonsense?" "You talk nonsense." "Take yesterday, about that grant for young people." "A really nice idea from..." "what's his name?" "With that nose and that hair like that." "A minister?" "Yes, with that nose and that hair." "The Minister of Traffic and..." "Fish?" "Yes, exactly." "What's his name?" "Oudmans." "Yes, he's been brooding on his proposal for weeks and then you say it costs money." "Of course." "That's what money's for." "You have to mention research committees." "As if they don't cost money." "Listen Marianne, that's paid from the Dikes and Waterways Fund." "I don't want to hear the word dike anymore!" "Oh, Edu... we're pregnant!" "Let's have a nice impulsive celebration." "Champagne, champagne." "Excuse me, but who said you could finger the Venetian glass?" "But we were having so much fun." "I don't want to ruin your fun but put those glasses back." "The deal was you could film in the museum but you couldn't finger anything." "It's just not possible." "If you want to celebrate, use your own cups." "Film but don't..." "...finger." "That's right." "But it was ok." "It was ok." "Says who?" "The man behind the counter." "Van Zwieten?" "Yes." "Did Van Zwieten say that?" "Yes." "Really." "He can't have said that." "He doesn't have the authority." "Really." "He said it was ok." "Sorry, but I'm responsible for those items." "Ingrid, come here, please." "How embarrassing." "It was going so well." "I really enjoy what you do." "Are those real toilet rolls?" "They're using real toilet rolls in those wigs." "Van Zwieten said they can finger the Venetian glass." "He acts as if he's the boss around here." "Is it on?" "Yes, it's on." "Just be yourself." "I know." "I am." "Be yourself." "Say something normal." "How's your sister?" "Edith?" "Fine." "Wasn't she moving?" "Yes, she moved to 17 Van Boetzelaer Street." "Boesselaar?" "Boetzelaer." "Yes, 17 Boetzelaer Street." "And that man really said it was ok." "I think it's impossible, but we'll ask." "Are you coming along?" "So, Boetzelaer Street..." "Yes, connects to Chopin Street." "Is he a composer?" "No, he's a sales representative." "Not your brother-in-law, Boetzelaer." "I guess so." "Never heard of him." "He must have been somebody." "Yes, nice." "I don't know." "I'll go there to pick up my salad spinner tomorrow." "I'm almost embarrassed to ask for it." "I'll pass it on, Mr Joling." "It was him." "Well, Van Zwieten." "Did you tell them they could finger the Venetian glass?" "Yes, I think so." "You should have asked me first." "You weren't here." "But I am now." "Yes, now you are." "Yes." "So?" "Can they use the Venetian glass?" "Of course they can!" "It's too late now." "Better continue with the next scene." "Yes, the next scene." "Hello, there's been a phone call." "Van Zwieten, you're on camera." "On camera." "We're doing the scene where the queen dies during childbirth." "Do that scene in my room." "There's modern art there." "It's good." "Why is that good?" "Because it's sterile." "You'd have a hospital atmosphere." "These days, people don't give birth at home as much anymore." "Is the pregnancy proceeding normally?" "I'll be having twins." "Then there's a chance of complications." "I recommend the hospital." "Let's not take any risks." "We'll go to hospital." "I think I should be there." "I know everything about giving birth." "How's that?" "I've seen it a lot." "Where?" "On TV." "Hospital soaps medical shows." "That makes you an expert." "So I thought I should be a nurse..." "Your Majesty." "What are you doing?" "I'm acting." "What are you acting?" "A nurse." "A nurse?" "Yes, Your Majesty." "I don't like it." "I don't like it." "It's fun." "They can join in." "What would they do?" "We can make them do crazy things." "Like what?" "We'll make them take off their pants." "How very original." "Alright, you're a nurse and I'm the head nurse." "I don't agree." "Go away, you." "I want an executive job too." "You can have one." "When I'm ill or too late, you'll be acting head nurse." "But I'd have nobody to give orders to." "Just hire some personnel." "Take De Vries." "De Vries, I have a job for you." "You'll be a nurse." "Careful, it's on." "You're on camera." "Oh dear, she's waving." "Van Zwieten..." "Hey!" "Maybe Van Zwieten can play a doctor." "Isn't he a bit too slow?" "No, that's fun." "They use humour." "Theo and Thea, don't you use humour?" "Van Zwieten's perfect." "He can do a trick with balls." "Can't you do a trick with balls?" "Show them that trick." "I don't have the balls on me." "Blow your cheeks then." "Isn't that fun?" "In a white coat he could be a doctor." "Anybody can be a doctor, these days." "White coats, we need white coats." "What's his name again?" "We need him." "That dumb blond?" "Come here, please." "If you take this off." "Now the fun has started." "Tell them what we're doing." "Now we'll get some steamy St. Elsewhere with royal medical staff." "But we have to do some organising first." "So all you viewers in the cinema are now going to see a complication..." "Compilation." "...of our state visits of the past year." "We start off with the Polycrown Journal." "POLYCROWN JOURNAL" "During the state visit to the Farti Farti Islands King and Queen of Orange Nasi were welcomed by a frenzied crowd after which they were ceremoniously greeted by King Wokki and Queen Tokki." "This little Wokki Tokki girl, that was photographed by the King spontaneously expressed her joy by waving her flag." "After a tour in an open car the King and Queen spontaneously opened a playground." "Then they casually visited a mayonnaise factory." "The highly placed visitors informally showed their interest in the creamy welfare product." "In the evening, a spontaneous joint dinner was organised and trade relations were strengthened." "Wokki Wokki dancers livened up the event." "After desert, various promotional gifts were exchanged." "Queen Tokki was willing to try a Dutch bike." "THE END" "Emergency for Professor Sourpuss." "Professor Sourpuss, emergency, emergency." "Hello Professor." "Yes, I'm Professor Sourpuss, midwife doctor." "Take her majesty to the push room." "ROYAL DELIVERY ROOM" "Bring a kettle of water to the boil right away." "Get some greasy cotton." "Puncture and jack." "Fill up the bath right away." "Hello, Your Majesty." "Hello, little Professor." "Just call me Olivier." "Can I call you Marianne?" "Of course, Olivier." "Didn't your husband come along?" "No, he's ruling the country." "Men are never there when you need them." "Oh, those men." "So it will be an intimate affair between the two of us." "Very cosy, don't you think?" "What a pain, labour pain!" "Oh dear, doesn't feel good does it?" "Do I give you a relaxing massage?" "I don't know if you do." "Do you?" "I'd love to." "With my rubber doctor's hands near your bonbonnellas?" "You always know how to turn something medical into something very intimate." "It's happening." "Do something." "Do something." "Leave it to the doctor." "Just let me..." "Ah yes, ah yes." "Yes, I..." "I..." "Let me look." "Don't put something in, take something out." "It's going well." "No panic." "Get everything ready for animation." "Sister Ingrid, anaesthesia." "No more need." "She's got no pulse." "Electroshocks." "Quickly." "Death has set in." "A historical moment." "Unbearable suffering." "Look, a miracle!" "Sister Ingrid, a postnatal Cesarian." "Now." "Such beautiful children." "Their skins as white as snow." "And their mouths as red as blood." "And their hair as black as ebony." "Royal children." "We would like to be addressed as being Theo and Thea." "And our dog Trudie as Trudie." "Where is our beloved mother?" "She died during childbirth." "Which difficult task rests on our puny shoulders?" "What is the state of our country?" "Not well, Your Highness." "The new subsidy act of the Minister of Traffic and Fish has been approved." "By the socialists." "And it turns out the treasury is not a bottomless pit." "And there was a phone call." "Mr Joling declines the role of prince." "Trust Van Zwieten to ruin everything." "Gerard Joling declined." "When did he say that?" "He's let us down." "Ten minutes ago." "He told you 10 minutes ago and you're telling us now." "We're done for." "We can just as well stop." "Gerard Joling isn't coming." "Turn off that thing." "Let's stop here." "Rolls, guys." "What kind?" "Liver cheese, smoked cheese, Leyden cheese or normal cheese." "Can I get two halves?" "Halves of what?" "The liver cheese and..." "You're being difficult." "Here." "And you?" "I don't feel like cheese." "My world just collapsed." "Can I have this one?" "Yes." "Come on, guys, can't we find another prince?" "Ingrid, why don't we use him?" "What?" "No, Magda." "No?" "Him?" "You think he could play the part?" "In an intelligent way?" "Maybe not." "Why don't we use..." "what's his name..." "That's a great idea." "We'll just use Whatshisname." "What's the other one's name?" "Even better, Whatstheotheronesname." "Oh, no." "He's dead." "Not possible." "I know." "Use him." "Thingy." "What's his name?" "That man with the grey hair." "That handsome man." "Kenny Rogers?" "No, he sings operettas." "Kenny Rogers doesn't sing operettas, does he?" "What's his name?" "He goes like this..." "Marco Bakker." "Yes, Marco Bakker!" "Which baker?" "The wonder bread baker, ok?" "I can't." "Go ask him." "The Electronica's are jamming tonight in jazz café The Brass Frying Pan Flute." "We'll all have a drink there." "Care to come along?" "Swell, I love improvised jazz." "That's a deal then." "Who are they?" "Who are they?" "There, those two men." "No idea." "Mr Bakker." "Can we speak to you in..." "Mr Bakker, would you like to..." "Oh no." "Not again." "Hello, Mr Marco Bakker." "We're Theo and Thea." "Can we ask you something?" "Do you want to play with us?" "You can be the prince and kiss us when we're dead." "It's a fairy tale." "What madness is this?" "Titiana Venduta has been kidnapped from under my very eyes." "But that isn't our fault, is it?" "All my middle aged singing partners are disappearing." "All the pearls from the operetta world are gone." "And I?" "What do I do now?" "You can play with us." "What we do is great fun too and very cultured." "Go away!" "Get out of my sight!" "I only wish to work with middle-aged women who are well grounded." "Brigitta." "Darling." "Poor, poor darling." "It's been a long time." "Twenty years." "But you're still breathtaking." "I know." "You're still irresistible too and very well-preserved." "How are you?" "Very well." "I am well grounded." "And how are you?" "You saw what happened." "The world hasn't ended yet." "You need some rest." "You have a TV recording in Vienna, this weekend." "Spend the week at my place." "I own a modest castle in the area." "How modest?" "As modest as myself." "Brigitta, if I didn't have you." "If I didn't have you." "Grützi." "Poor child, you are so ugly." "We are two middle-aged ladies who are well grounded." "No, like this..." "Hello, we are two middle-aged ladies who are well grounded." "Hello, we are two middle-aged ladies who are well grounded." "Right." "Ready..." "steady go." "Hello, we are two middle-aged ladies who are well grounded." "Members only." "Look at us and how well grounded we are." "TONIGHT:" "THE ELECTRONICA'S in the BRASS FRYING PAN FLUTE" "There's been a little mistake." "We're also the Electronica's." "This way, ladies." "Take that." "Marco, here we come." "I don't see Marco Bakker." "Let's have a drink." "There he is." "He's such a hunk." "The Brass Frying Pan Flute is proud to announce a top class act free jazz act." "The Electronica's." "Good heavens." "Good heavens." "Good heavens?" "Yes, 'Jolly good heavens' is the title of our first song." "I don't know it." "We don't know you either." "It'll be an improvisation." "Just press some keys, doesn't matter." "It's jazz." "Jolly good heavens." "Yes, take it away, Ans." "Jack and Jill went up the hill" "To fetch a pail of water" "Jack fell down, and broke his crown" "And Jill came tumbling after." "Take it away, Ans." "Thank you, audience from the Brass Frying Pan Flute." "Yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Ladies, I'm very impressed." "That was just great." "Please join me at my table." "We'll drink a good glass of sweet, bubbly, German wine." "Very nice of you, Mr..." "What's your name?" "Bakker, Marco." "Bakker Marco?" "No, Marco Bakker, of course." "Blimey, is it you, Marco Bakker?" "Certainly, ladies." "In reality, you look even younger than you look." "You both also look younger than you look." "Especially you." "Thank you." "She's really a lot younger than she looks." "She has a bit of an old face." "Thank you, Mr Bakker." "Marco." "Please call me Marco." "And you are?" "Ans for you, Marco." "And you may rejoice in the presence of Bea." "Marco, just Bea for you, Marco." "Nice to meet you." "I'm deeply touched by your voices." "Such professionalism." "Yes, yes." "Strange that I've never heard of you before." "It's not that strange, Marco." "The truth is that we're..." "Hobby!" "We're sound hobbyists." "Do you know child stars Theo and Thea?" "Yes." "They're making a movie at the moment and we manage and produce it." "My dear, you're multi-talented." "And we're still looking for the main part." "We're looking for a middle-aged hero with snow-white hair who can act well and sing well and who's charming and who has well filled pants." "It must be a great pleasure for the person you pick to work with such intelligent and beautiful ladies." "Especially with you, Bea." "She's not such a pleasure, Mr Bakker." "When it counts, I'm the funny one." "Especially at birthdays and such." "Ah, appetizers!" "It's not easy to find a seasoned hero." "One that women can drool over." "I'd like to be considered, but I don't meet all the requirements." "Marco..." "Do you really think that I...?" "Yes, Marco." "We thought that you..." "Marco, you're perfect." "The ladies will eat you alive." "That's too much honour." "Such modesty." "He's a real hero." "Well, Marco, what about it?" "I think it's great." "Unbelievable!" "Kiss me." "Oh Marco." "Business before pleasure." "I shouldn't get ahead of myself." "First the screen test." "Yes, of course." "A screen test." "Of course." "When?" "Tomorrow." "Evening." "At nine o'clock." "Nine o'clock." "Where?" "Yes, where?" "You always know where things are." "Yes, we were thinking... because... 17 Boetzelaer Street." "That's our office." "Oh dear, I have to give a recital in an hour." "Such a shame." "Yes, what a shame." "Bye, rascal." "Bye, Marco." "Van Boetzelaer Street?" "We don't have an office there." "So what?" "There will be people living there." "Yes, so what?" "So what?" "Yes, so what." "So what?" "Yes, so what." "You were going to help me." "7 o'clock, but no André." "Again, an operetta singer has been kidnapped." "This time, it's 36 year old Titiana Venduta." "When she was taken by her kidnappers, she was dressed in a peacock blue chiffon silk dress with short sleeves and she was only wearing one shoe." "The other shoe was left behind." "It's this one." "I'm sitting down and you're going to remove the wallpaper." "That you put up wrong." "Yes, that I put up wrong." "You'll remove it and apply it again." "And you can't go to bed with me until it's finished." "Do you hear?" "I'm asking you if you hear me!" "Yes!" "Not until it's finished." "Don't yell at me." "...also often used in mountaineering." "The kidnappers may therefore be water sports or mountaineering enthusiasts." "Anybody who can provide information..." "...weak, unemployed buttocks and your impotent shitface." "Listen." "You ask me to..." "He'll kill me." "My own husband's killing me." "I'm going to pack." "I'm going to pack!" "I'm going to..." "Go answer the door." "You don't need to tell me what to do!" "Yes!" "Good evening." "I'm Bea, head of the telephone panel of a famous TV studio." "I'm the personal stand-in for the host." "We're here to get you." "You and your husband should, like greased lightning get 15 kilos of dirty laundry and join the live broadcast." "You can win a nice trip to the Alps." "I don't have any dirty laundry." "I don't have any dirty laundry!" "That should not be a problem." "Where's the linen-cupboard?" "The linen-cupboard?" "There in the corner." "Who are they?" "There we go." "First the whites." "Whites give more stains." "Any piquant lingerie?" "I think they keep their undies somewhere else." "André, do something!" "We have to go to that studio." "We'll be on TV." "Start the car." "My keys." "Who cares." "Start the car." "Yes, here." "My shoes." "I'm not wearing any shoes." "Never mind, it's live." "But I'm not wearing any shoes." "AARSEMA AND HOFMAN MOVIE PRODUCTIONS" "You answer the door." "Marco." "Roses for the prettiest flower." "Beautiful." "With gypsophila." "Come in." "No, we already have a Handsome Prince." "Bye Charles." "Let's get started." "The screen test." "Where's the camera?" "There, on the shelves." "It's a hidden video camera so you won't feel inhibited." "Right, let's see." "The Handsome Prince, Marco, is riding his horse." "Yes, horse... use that coffee table." "It's the idea that counts." "He sees the glass coffin Snow White's lying in." "Like this?" "Is this right?" "It isn't royal enough." "There's a crown missing." "Wait." "Wait." "Use this lamp as such." "As what?" "As crown." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Don't change a thing." "I'm just being myself." "You're a natural, Marco." "That's all." "Tomorrow we'll shoot it all and that'll be it." "I'm not available tomorrow." "I have a TV recording in Vienna." "I'll be darned." "That's unacceptable, Marco." "Come along." "You'll come with me." "You and I in the Wiener Prater." "So romantic." "Marco, I'd like to, but I'm working on the production of this movie." "Guys, why don't you record it all over yonder?" "Over yonder?" "Yes, over yonder." "Yes, over yonder." "Austria's like a fairy-tale." "I've been invited to spend a week at Zauberbirge Castle." "Perfect for us." "Could we get your signature here, Mr Bakker?" "Just an X will do too, Marco." "First we have to rehearse the kissing scene." "Please come with me." "I'll lay on the ground and you'll say to me:" ""Oh, what a beautiful little princess."" ""Almost to beautiful to kiss."" ""Oh, what a beautiful little princess." "Almost to beautiful to kiss."" "Maybe you have to kiss her with more passion." "I can't play it right." "I can only do this with a woman who's well grounded." "We all want that, but where do we find her?" "You're joking, little rascal." "Well, rascal..." "You're the rascal." "Rascal!" "He kissed me." "Now what?" "Rehearse your kissing scene, rascal." "Yeah, right, I wasn't born yesterday." "You stay here." "No I'm going home." "Don't ruin everything!" "Wait." "No, wait." "I'll help." "Wait, wait." "You go in, you look at him." "You undress slowly." "You keep looking at him." "Sultrily." "At your sultriliest." "And in the meantime..." "Rascal, where are you?" "...in the meantime, I'll set something on fire." "Good idea." "You set something on fire and I'll take of my coat slowly and then I'll say:" ""I smell something."" "Set fire to the curtains." "No the wastebasket." "Where are the matches?" "Something's burning." "I smell something." "It's me, your hot little baker." "I can't find any matches." "What the..." "Thea?" "What are you doing here?" "I should ask you that." "I asked you first." "Can't I get my salad spinner from my own sister's house?" "I didn't know you knew my sister." "There's more you don't know." "Where are they?" "They're ill." "They're in bed." "Ill?" "Hello." "We're not doing what you think we're doing." "I think I'd better go." "Adieu." "Until tomorrow morning." "Bye, little baker mine." "We're off to Vienna with Marco Bakker." "We're shooting the movie in a castle!" "Why are you so happy?" "Yes, go back to your museum and finger your Victorian glass." "I'm coming too." "No, you're not." "Yes, me and my colleagues can play the seven dwarves." "There's only five of you." "Impossible." "Five dwarves in the hand is worth seven in the bush." "And if I can't come, I'll tell Marco that you're Theo." "That's blackmail." "Indeed." "So who's going to Vienna?" "Not us." "The car broke down in Chopin Street." "The cylinder head gasket." "That's a coincidence." "Five plus two is seven." "You are coming to Vienna." "Hey ho!" "One mile no sweat" "Two miles better yet" "Three miles gotta run" "Four miles to the sun" "Stop with the sucking up." "You're jealous." "I'm just smiling." "You look like a heroine prostitute hooker." "Cut!" "Damn, cut!" "Why does he say cunt?" "I thought it was good." "He said cut." "That means they have to do it again." "Maybe we can have a look at our shopping list then." "André." "Did you organise that car and does it have a tow bar?" "André's always been good with bars." "We all make our dwarf costumes ourselves." "The glass coffin has been arranged." "We've got the apple basket..." "The poisonous apple's a little problem." "A new rose for you and, Fiona de Frima, not too close to the table." "I'd get framing problems." "Good luck." "Alright, we're doing it again." "Recording started." "You're acting as if I want to get involved." "He's all yours." "You're smiling wrong." "You have to smile differently." "You smile unattractively and I smile in my most charming way." "Cut." "End of recording." "You're done." "Thank you very much." "Fiona de Frima..." "How then, Thea?" "You should laugh like this." "Can I offer this to the most beautiful woman on earth?" "It's for you, Bea." "Consider it an engagement ring." "Yes, this has to be celebrated." "Sweet, bubbly, German wine." "Thea." "I made arrangements for Ans to join the others." "So we have a nice long weekend together at Zauberbirge Castle." "I'll go have a cold shower and put on a clean, tight hipster." "Especially for you." "Theo, we're going." "Tell Thea we're outside." "Thea's not going with you, she's going with me." "Thea!" "Thea!" "Thea!" "Bea!" "There you are, rascal." "My love." "Are you coming?" "And what about Ans?" "That ugly duckling?" "She went with the others." "That's impossible." "Marco, I have to tell you something." "Me too, me too." "Do 'eternal fidelity until death' and 'yes, I do' mean anything to you?" "Marco, do you like surprises?" "That's how we deal with brats." "Don't you ever get near me again." "Trudie, Trudie!" "Darling." "Brigitta." "I'm glad you're right on time." "You look so sad." "Is anything wrong?" "Another broken heart, of course." "You thought you met the woman of your dreams." "Wake up, Marco Bakker." "Don't give in to these things." "It makes you dependent." "Before you know it, you change into a spineless individual." "If I'd given in to your love 20 years ago I wouldn't have had all this now." "No, I would have lost my head and would have been disappointed." "I would have been a total wreck." "Love gnaws at your heart, like a rat." "It ruins your soul, stinks." "Love doesn't live in my house." "In my house lives an independent, horny, rich woman." "Don't give in to love." "What are you doing?" "I was thirsty, alright?" "Come, we're going home." "We?" "We?" "There is no more we." "You go to your little baker." "This ugly duckling's leaving the planet." "Through the sewer?" "You're way too fat." "You're taking that back." "Thea!" "Who's fat?" "Not you." "You're pretty." "You're slim." "You fit through the sewer easily." "That's what I wanted to hear." "Now get lost, go to your fiancé." "I broke it off." "You can have him." "I don't want the town bike." "Besides, the generation gap's too wide." "Exactly." "Come on, let's go home." "But what about the fairy tale?" "The fairy tale's over." "Back to reality." "Look in the mirror." "Ok, let's go then." "Trudie, are you coming?" "Oh no, she's still with Marco Bakker in Zauberbirge." "We'll have to go and pick her up." "I can't see Marco Bakker again." "Then we have to smuggle ourselves in." "How?" "The classic way." "Marco, I love you, my Marco." "I love you, I love you, Marco." "Now what?" "To work." "This is a combined problem skin." "How cute." "I don't know why, but I'm getting hungry." "Little rabbit." "To the kitchen, quickly." "To the kitchen, quickly." "Look, a naked tit." "Look another naked tit." "Cashew nuts, I think." "Yes, but they look a bit dried out." "I bet they still taste fine." "Have you done the job?" "Has Fiona de Frima arrived?" "Good, we're complete." "It's a full moon tonight." "We have achieved perfection." "Good." "Go now, take the box and throw its content in the nuclear cheese reactor." "Which box?" "The ebony box with my toenails." "Get the box, find the box, frisk everybody." "Stay calm!" "Let's quickly find Trudie and get out." "Puss, puss, puss." "Trudie." "Hello, madam." "I'm so happy to see you here." "The walls have ears." "There's something wrong here." "Of course, there is." "I made sure of that myself." "There are things happening that you don't know about." "Two people want to kill you." "Exactly, I'll have you depilated right away." "It's important that you get the right persons." "Yes, you can't trust your own personnel." "That's ridiculous." "Give that poor lady her toenails back." "They're in your pocket." "First he steals and then he lies." "And you also said that the nice lady is an ugly bitch." "What?" "He said you were uglier than an old newspaper a cat peed on." "And that you look like you jumped out of the pan during a fish fry." "Empty your pockets." "Take them away and put them in the depilation chairs." "Computee, computee, who's the biggest beauty." "You're the most beautiful." "Yes, we know." "What is this, you're asking." "This is a nuclear cheese reactor." "Never heard of, you're thinking." "That's correct." "I'm the only one who has one." "I made it myself." "So what, you're thinking." "One person builds a chicken coop and the other a nuclear cheese reactor." "But there's a difference." "This machine can make cheese that takes away people's free will." "What does that mean?" "That it's magic cheese." "Yes, but that sounds a bit childish." "So I call it Empire cheese." "And you put your toenails in as well?" "Yes, indispensable." "Very important." "Add your toenails at full moon will dominate the world soon." "You think the lesson has ended but the most important bit is yet to come." "For a nuclear cheese reaction..." "Yes?" "...you need 13 operetta singers who reach 1313 decibels at full moon whilst all undergoing the same emotion." "This emotion consists of a big disappointment." "How do you cause a big disappointment?" "You don't know?" "Let me tell you." "By being rejected by the prince of your dreams." "And who's the prince of our dreams?" "Marco Bakker!" "Indeed, Marco Bakker." "You two are smart children." "An intelligent question from me..." "Who will you feed that cheese to?" "Where all the world's shit collects, one needs to stir." "So I'm going..." "Dinner." "Bon appétit." "Bon ape tit?" "An appetizer." "Ape butt filled with ginger." "Very exquisite, because they're still alive, so the bowel juices are fresh" "How... how..." "Nice, just what we like." "And there I was thinking you were well raised, shitty children." "Us?" "We're evil through and through." "Yes, money and power are everything to us." "Yes and hurting people." "Especially the old and weak." "Yes, we blackmail old people." "We tell them to give us lots of money or else we go to the police naked and tell them you sexually abused us." "Or we destroy things that people are very attached to." "You're children after my heart." "It's also great fun to damage old masters." "Yes or to hurt old masters." "That feels good." "It relaxes." "And it keeps you fit." "And it's phosphate-free." "Very important as well." "Yes!" "Yes, mistress!" "To the main course." "Gosh, madam, are we having more?" "Yes, because we're at the eve of an important event." "So I'm treating you to an exotic six course dinner." "Do you feel like..." "Do you feel like..." "Marinated bitch." "Trudie!" "We'll marinate you!" "Bitch!" "God, our lives are ending." "We can no longer be saved." "Nor do we want to be saved." "No, let us die." "Without Trudie our lives are meaningless." "We thank you for our nice childhood." "On your planet, created in your image." "God, we'd like to go to dog heaven." "Is that possible, God?" "With our dear Trudie?" "We die awaiting your reply." "Signed:" "Theo and Thea." "Trudie has risen." "We're in dog heaven." "We have gathered here to honour Him." "He whose voice fills our hearts with love and inspiration." "Deliver us from doubt." "Sing!" "I think this adventure's becoming rather bizarre." "Yes and we're right in the middle of it." "Of what?" "In the bizarre story." "My toenails!" "Nothing can stop me." "Oh, most handsome man of all the land of which woman do you choose the hand?" "Take me!" "Take me!" "Brigitta is the most beautiful of the land so I choose her hand." "DISAPPOINTMENT" "Gentlemen." "It worked." "We have something to celebrate." "Would you like to taste test?" "You're in my power." "Drop dead." "Well, darling, now I only have you left to deal with." "How is it to be face to face with a woman who can get anything she wants?" "Not everything." "You'll never have my love." "Do you really think I waited 20 years for it?" "No Marco, I don't give in to love." "Never." "I hate you." "Love and hate go hand in hand." "We have to do something." "Yes, we have to do something." "Do something." "Yes, do something." "Mary had a little pig" "Her father shot it dead" "Now she takes her pig to school" "Between two slices of bread" "Give me." "Give me." "Give me." "Give me." "Give me." "Never." "Give..." "Here." "I had no choice." "He loved her?" "Yes." "Love and hate go hand in hand." "Children." "A caravan of gingerbread." "You scared me." "I thought you were an old guy." "Hey ho, I am." "Guys, camping here is really rough." "The heater wasn't working and Mrs De Vries was up to her knees in mud." "The things we've been through." "Come in." "Here they are, Theo and Thea." "Let's get them into their prince's costumes so we can start." "De Vries, I told them about your scary adventure in the mud." "Yes, with my summer shoes." "The wedges." "No, my summer shoes." "Yes, but they're wedges." "I had to throw them out." "The things we've been through here." "I had bad stomach cramps." "And I massaged them away." "I wish you massaged yourself away." "We still need a belt and the crowns." "Have you got something for us to eat?" "No, we have to do the play first." "We tossed for it and Mrs De Vries will play the witch." "That leaves six dwarves so I'll double a dwarf." "Put your belt on." "Are we ready?" "Yes." "Yes." "I'd say "Action."" "Well, fellow dwarves, good morning." "Good morning." "Let's get to work." "Into the mines." "And no candy from strangers." "Beware of the apple lady." "And lock the door." "Don't leave the door ajar." "No, don't leave the door ajar." "Dwarf 2:" "No candy from strangers." "I'm Mrs De Vries, but I'm disguised as innocent apple lady." "But in reality I'm the witch." "When I knock on the door, you have to open." "Woman, hurry up with your apples." "We're starving." "Dwarves are never rude" "Because that would be crude" "We look like Bob Ross" "Our beards are made of moss" "We're going to Snow White" "Because she's always right" "I may be an old fellow" "But my voice sounds mellow" "Hello, innocent apple lady." "Do you want to buy some cheese from a poor apple lady with no apples?" "Of course, old biddy." "Here, three gold coins." "Thank you, children." "God will reward you." "You're in my power." "Drop dead." "I can't understand it." "And why?" "I don't know." "Where do we go from here?" "Well done, Van Zwieten." "Continue." "Where do we go from here?" "Yes, where do we go from here?" "Isn't this when the prince arrives?" "Porsche!" "Right on time, Marco." "And already in costume." "Such a pro!" "Too late." "What an actor." "Thea, Theo, I was wrong about you." "You were brave children." "I'll never hear your roaring laughter again." "Too schmaltzy." "Not realistic." "Farewell, dear children." "Hey, ho, ho ho." "Something's wrong here." "Why don't they open their eyes?" "Van Zwieten, give me the scenario." "The prince kneeled and kissed Snow White on her blood-red mouth." "She woke up and smiled at the prince of her dreams." "Theo, Thea, wake up." "Don't you understand?" "They're dead." "Of course we know that." "We know our classics." "They deserve a funeral in style." "Aunt Bertha always told me the seven dwarves picked up the coffin to give it to the prince, and that they tripped and that the pieces of apple flew out." "That's one of the versions." "Let's use that one then." "I'll take the coffin." "Ok, men." "Put it on the car roof." "I'll take it to Holland." "And..." "lift!" "And... trip!" "Where am I?" "Marco!" "Thea and Theo!" "All's well that ends well." "Where's Brigitta, that filthy witch?" "Brigitta?" "Mrs de Vries was the witch." "She's having a nap." "We have to find her." "The world's in danger." "Yes, but how?" "She said something." "She said something about poop." "Yes." "Where all the world's shit collects, one needs to stir." "Look, Trudie's eating the magic cheese." "Here, put it in the old newspaper." "Careful, don't get it on your fingers." "Summit about manure surplus." "World leaders gather in Geneva." "Let's go and bring that cheese." "That's why we have a manure surplus." "...surplus de merde..." "Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please." "I have a burning question." "World leaders united at this ball who's the most intelligent, most beautiful of them all?" "Quickly, a pantyhose." "Indeed, you're men of taste." "You're in my power." "1000 times more beautiful than you are Theo and Thea!" "Childlike innocence conquers all!" "I think we're pretty much in control here." "World leaders united, pull down your pants." "And now you." "Yes." "Get a... get a..." "Get a very fat... very fat..." "Over your entire body and especially your forehead..." "Children, don't abuse your power." "I wish that Brigitta Berger becomes a good person." "I'm a good person." "I don't want to take anymore." "I only want to give." "I'll do good works." "I'll protect nature with my own body." "All the little seals can drink from my breast." "I'll chain myself to every nuclear missile." "I'll donate my fortune to music schools in the third world." "I want to give." "Give." "Give!" "I want to give you something too." "My love." "I want to give something too." "To seal your love." "Ye shall be betrothed..." "...until ye be dead." "You're such lovely children." "Ladies and gentlemen three hoorays for Theo and Thea." "Hooray, hooray, hooray for Theo and Thea..." "Thank you, Your Majesty." "Thank you, Royal Highness." "You can call me something less formal." "She's not even wearing a crown." "Ginger cake." "Thank you, Something Less Formal." "Lovely." "From the cake shop on the corner, I bet." "No, I made it myself." "You are such nice children." "You may come live here." "Nice." "A thousand thanks." "Can we go play outside?" "Yes, but we have to cut a ribbon for the tax museum soon." "Toodle-oo, Something Less Formal." "Yes, bye." "Priceless." "I wish I had children like that." "THE END" "A thousand thanks to:" "All the extras!" "And a hundred thousand thanks to:" "Joan Collins and Gerard Joling" "Signed:" "Theo and Thea" "God will reward them all"