"[ Animal Howling ]" "[ Creaking, Howling ]" "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Monkeys Chattering ]" "[ Birds Cawing ]" "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Birds Cawing ]" "[ Monkey Chatters ]" "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Monkeys Chattering ]" "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Chattering, Chirping ]" "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Elephant Trumpets ]" " Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover, slashing prices 'cause we're goin' bananas for Hawaiian week." "Come on down to Exit 1 1 Motor Village." "'m gonna slash some prices just for you!" "Hey, ask anybody." "You can trust Dwayne Hoover." "[ Bullets Ricochetting ]" "[ Woman On TV] / think we're onto something" "[ Man On TV] The deadly germ anthrax for use as a weapon-  l-- l-  ls there something you wanted to say ?" " l'm sorry." " Sorry ?" "Sorry / made us order the pepperoni and anchovies." "Your breakfast, Mrs. Hoover." "[ Man On TV] When your stomach is under attack, fight back with maximum-strength Trypepton." "Now available in new orange flavor." "Soothing, fast relief naturally." "So, now how do you feel?" "[ Heavy Breathing ]" "[ Man ] Take my hand -[ Watch Ticking ]" "'m a stranger in paradise" "'m lost in a wonderland" "A stranger in paradise" "f / stand starry-eyed" "That's a danger in paradise" "For mortals who stand beside" "An angel like you -[ Woman ] Mr. Hoover!" "Breakfast of champions!" "[ Sizzling ]" " Breakfast of champions, Mr. Hoover !" "[ Whistling ]" "Great news, people." "Today's not the day." " Hello, Lottie." " Hello, sir." "white Shoulders." "You know I love it." "Dwayne ?" "The poison bubbles almost won." "[ Echoing ] The poison bubbles almost won." "The poison bubbles almost won." "Talk to me." "Please." "well, Hawaiian week down at the showroom." "[ Lottie Screams ] / saw your ad on TV,yes!" " Please say something." " well, what should I say ?" "Anything you feel like sayin'." "You're Dwayne Hoover!" "People know who ya are, don't they ?" "That's right, Lottie." "They do know who I am." "[ whispers ] who am I ?" "Please ?" "[ Dwayne On TV] Oh, hi, folks." "Dwayne Hoover here... from Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village." "we're searching the seven seas to find you a whale of a deal on a new car or truck." " Are you sorry ?" "Stop on in just for the hell of it... and reel yourself in a good deal." " You can trust Dwayne Hoover." " Sure." "Sure, I'm sorry." " l'm sorry as heck." " Then say something." "well, what should I say, Celia ?" "I mean, I'm just-- l'm just looking for a" "[ Man On TV] Each Monday, millions of Americans suffer from" "A sign." "Anything really, Celia." "I mean, all day long and-- [ Laughs ]" "Not much, you know ?" "I mean" "Boy-- [ Laughs ]" "There are days when I just think, is it me or what ?" " what ?" " Yeah." " l know what you can say, Dwayne." " what ?" " You can say-- -[ Man On TV]Join millions who say-- [ with TV] Good-bye, Blue Monday." "I have never experienced such safe, fast and effective relief." " Oh." " l can finally say, "Good-bye, Blue Monday."" "[ whistling ]" "[ Growling ]" " No, no." "No, no, Nippy." "No, no !" "No !" "No, Nippy !" "I swear I'm armed !" "I'll shoot !" " [ Growling ]" " Hey !" "Nippy!" " Hey !" " [ Yelping ]" "Nippy !" "[ Grunts ] Nip !" "[ Grunts ]" "This is how dogs get themselves killed." "[ Organ ]" "[ Organ Continues ]" "[ Tires Screeching ]" "Wedding day" "n, oh, so many ways Ha!" "Oh, wedding day lf l saw you on your wedding day" "Dear Mr. Kilgore Trout." "My name is Eliot Rosewater, and this is a fan letter." "Plague on wheels is the greatest novel" "[ Man ] Plague on wheels is the greatest novel in the English language." ""l promise to make you famous." "You should be president of the United States."" "what the hell ?" "I mean, look at the handwriting." "It must be from a kid of 1 4." "" Promise to make you famous."" "My first fan letter ever, and I'll show you what I'm gonna do with it." " watch this." " [ Twittering ]" "Two hundred novels, 2,000 short stories." "Never heard back from one publisher, not one, except that wide-open beaver outfit, and they didn't pay me doodley-squat." "And then / get a fan letter." "well, I'll burn you out of my body bag." "I'll be glad when it's over." "Can't wait till my head's as empty as the day I was born... onto this damaged planet all those years ago." "Empty as a child's," "a very young child's." "[ Twittering ]" "That's why I wrote those stories, Bill." "[ Bill Twitters ]" "Get rid of all the junk that's built up over the years." "Hey, folks, it's me-- [ Echoing ] Dwayne Hoover." "[ Echoing ] Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover." "[ Echoing ] Going bananas down here." "Dwayne Hoover." "[ Echoing ] Dwayne Hoover." "Hey, folks, it's me." "Dwayne Hoover." "There he goes, Grace." "He's drivin' by the house because he knows!" "I'm tellin' ya, Grace !" "He knows !" "He doesn't know a damn thing, Harry." "Now, will you please get over here and sit down ?" "Oh." "I'm telling you, Grace, Dwayne Hoover" "Dwayne Hoover knows everything." "Harry, that is such bullshit." "Dwayne Hoover doesn't know his son is a freak." "He doesn't know his wife is suicidal." "He doesn't know." "Besides, who cares if Dwayne Hoover knows ?" "Oh, well, I care, because I'm his sales manager, and I'm telling you that Dwayne Hoover is saying and doing things he never used to." " Come here, big boy." " Grace, listen to me." " / got somethin'you want." " /'ve known Dwayne Hoover for over 2 1 years." "I know him the way a combat soldier knows his buddy." "Jesus, he knows me." " Harry, first of all, listen to me." " Yes." "You were never in the army." "Second of all, we're the only people in this whole town who have any kind of sex life." "You should be proud." "Grace, I try, but I can't." "Oh,Jesus." "I'm the freak, not Dwayne Hoover." "Me !" "I mean, look." "I got a sex problem." "'ll tell you who has a sex problem, Harry." "How many orgasms do you think Dwayne Hoover has a month, huh ?" "Lift your skirt up." "I don't care how many times Dwayne Hoover comes a month." " have 87, and you have 36." "People like Dwayne Hoover have 1 .5." "1 .5, Harry." "Now, that is sick." "Let's move to Hawaii and get a condo in Maui like we've always wanted." "Oh, Grace, you know we can't." "I mean, think of my job." "Think how long it's taken me to become what / am." "Maui." "Maui." " Maui." " Maui." "[ Both Moaning ]" " [ Horn Honks ]" " Hey !" "Get out of the car, asshole !" "I'm gonna teach you a lesson-- why, you're Mr. Dwayne Hoover." "I bought my new car down at Exit 1 1 Motor Village." " where am I ?" " Oh, Sugar Creek Estates." " What is happening here ?" " Don't worry." "Somebody just dumping sludge in the creek." "But the guys are gettin'it cleaned up." "You can go on through if you want to, but keep it kind of slow for me, will ya, please ?" " Be nice and safe." " Hey !" "You can't go there !" "I got your license plate !" "That was Mr. Hoover from Exit 1 1." "Oh, / should have got his autograph." "Doggone it." "My wife's never gonna believe that I did this." " what's that ?" " Another special delivery." "Two in one week." "You ain't dead yet, old man." "Here you go." "[ Murmurs ]" "[ Man ] Dear Mr. Trout, My name is Fred T. Barry, chairman of the arts festival, celebrating the opening of the Mildred T. Barry..." "Memorial Center for the Arts in Midland City." "It would be our most profound honor... for you to be one of our creative and distinguished... out-of-town participants." "This check for dollar1 ,000 is for travel expenses..." "and an honorarium." "[ Bill Twittering ]" " why all this sudden interest in Kilgore Trout, Bill, huh ?" " [ Twitters ]" "Some mistake's been made." "No question." "Maybe they've invited me because they know I've got a tuxedo." "Ever show you my tuxedo, Bill, huh ?" "Yeah." "If they really want Kilgore Trout, they'll want him in a tuxedo." "Ah." "Yeah." "High school dance." "Believe it or not, once even / was young, Bill." "Me." "[ Grunts ] Hey." "Yeah, it's quite a good fit, huh ?" " Hey, Bill, what is that ?" " [ Twitters ]" "[ Humming "Stranger ln Paradise" ]" "Cha, cha, cha" "Cha, cha, cha" "[ Hums ]" "Cha, cha-- [ Scoffs ] I'm too old for all that." "[ Exhales ] why go all the way out to Midland City just to make a laughingstock of myself?" " l'm my only fan." " [ Twitters ]" "Anyway, if I went out there, I'd want to read... out loud from my own stuff." "Means I'd have to go to those wide-open beaver bookshops... and dig out some of my published work." "[ Grunts ]" "They don't want nothin' but smilers out there." "Unhappy failures need not apply." "Maybe unhappy failures is exactly what they should see." "Show those provincials what nobody's ever seen before at an arts festival." "Someone who's devoted his entire life searching for truth and beauty... and didn't find doodley-squat." "The creator who's failed and failed and failed." "Think there's anybody in Midland City who'd listen to a cockroach like that, Bill ?" "Anybody at all, huh ?" " [ Twitters ]" "Maybe it's my mission, Bill." "Think it could be my mission ?" "[ Bird Squawks ]" "[ Woman ] Dwayne ?" "Yeah." "[ Door Chimes ]" "[ Animal Hooting ]" "Happy, happy birthday" "From your staff all who we wish you happy birthday" "So we could party too Hey !" " [ Door Chimes ] -[ Harry ] See ?" "See, Francine ?" "What'd / tell you ?" "Something's come over him." " l've never seen this Dwayne before." " Oh, Harry." "Dwayne may be the most charming man in Midland City, but he's also very shy." "I don't find him so charming anymore." "He was walking away from me just now." "Oh, Harry." "Dwayne Hoover has fewer bad days than anybody else I know." " But why me ?" " Oh, Harry !" "why me ?" "[ Bird Squawking ]" " Dwayne ?" "Honey !" " Not now, Francine." " l mean, Mr. Hoover." "Just leave me alone, please." " we didn't mean to embarrass you." " l was embarrassed." " Sweetheart, can we have breakfast ?" "Please ?" "After all, it's your birthday." "Don't touch me." "They're all watching." "Nobody can see what we're doing." "Nobody can hear us." "Hey !" " Francine." " what ?" " why are you pouring cream on my bananas ?" " /t's not cream." "It's La Creme." "It's like cream only better I only like sugar on my bananas." "Francine, you know that." "I don't like when you're sharp, Dwayne Hoover, and you've been sharp quite a lot lately." "It's beginning to make me think that the things Harry Le Sabre says about you are true." "[ Giggles ] what things ?" "what's Harry saying ?" "Oh, that you've changed, that you're not the man you used to be." "I swear, Francine, this is why I go home and talk to my dog for hours and hours, and my dog hates my guts." "Dwayne Hoover, am I losing you ?" "The only thing anyone's losing around here is their mind, Francine." "If you don't like me anymore, Dwayne Hoover,just say so." "I can take the truth." "[ Echoing ] Truth, truth, truth." "[ Man ] Damn, Rosemary, take them damn pills!" "You're turnin' me into plutonium !" "Good morning, Mr. Hoover." " You're looking especially well this morning." " Excuse me !" "we are having a private" "Francine !" "I mean, sir !" "I'm sorry-- we are having a private conversation, if you don't mind." "we gotta get outta here right now !" "Get your hands off me, murderer !" "I want Dwayne Hoover to take me home." "Vernon, this is a demerit on your performance record." "I know things that could make your head spin." "My head spins all the time." "I'm trying to make it stop." "we gotta get outta here right now !" "Oh, I can't stand that woman." "She is such a phony." "[ Bell Dings ]" "That was a real violation of protocol." "Dwayne ?" "Dwayne ?" "Hey, / didn't know Vernon had an SE coupe just like mine." " Rosemary !" " l don't care !" "I love him !" " Francine." " Except he's got a rear deck spoiler." " Francine, please." " They look awfully masculine, don't you think, Dwayne ?" " Francine, please be quiet." " Dwayne, are you changing again ?" " Harry was right." " Oh, shut up !" "[ Gasps ]" "I'm sorry." "'m sorry, Francine." " didn't mean it." "Sit down, please." " No !" "Mr. Hoover, I am crossing the street and going directly to work." "[ Man ] Hey, Dwayne Hoover." "How ya doin'?" "I will behave in a professional manner no matter how much you've changed." "A thousand dollars." "That's a lot of paper." "A lot of paper a thousand dollars." "who in their right mind would give me a thousand dollars ?" "why me ?" "[ Chuckles ]" "[ Grunts ]" "And they think I can write ?" "I can write ?" "I'll show 'em." "Howdy, partners !" "Dwayne Hoover here !" "And the stampede is on at Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village !" "It's Hawaiian week, and that means great savings on new and used cars and trucks." "So don't get left out in the dust !" "Come on down and check out our big deal for big horsepower !" "whoo !" "[ Man ] That's right. lt is Hawaiian week-- why is wayne Hoobler smiling' ?" "wayne Hoobler gettin' out today ?" "That there is Dwayne Hoover on television." "My name and his sound so much alike." "[ Man On TV] You can trust Dwayne" " And I trust him." "Can't trust nobody, wayne Hoobler, just me." "Oh, no, I trust Dwayne Hoover, and I'm gonna work for him at Exit 1 1 Motor Village in Midland City." "I'm gonna live happily ever after in fairy" "Gonna say fairyland, wayne Hoobler ?" "Hell, no." "No, honest." "Swear." "Gallop on down to Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village !" "All you know is from watchin' TV." " we got you covered." "You can't even count money." "Let me tell you something." "The creator of the universe is watchin' over me, and I'm gonna work for Dwayne Hoover 'cause it's my callin'." "warden's ready for you, Hoobler." "It's your lucky day." "Not yours, Eli." "where in hell do they get these crazy picture ideas ?" "There's absolutely nothing about a college professor or sorority girls... in the body of this novel." "E-Excuse me." "No women, for cryin' out loud." "That's why I didn't get paid for it." "All I got was doodley-squat." "Doodley-squat." "[ Women Moaning ]" "watch it, perverted bastard." "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Moaning Continues ]" "My God !" ""The Dancing Fool."" "I never realized this had been published." "This must be more than 30 years old." "It's for an arts festival." "[ Meows ]" ""what is the purpose of life ?"" "To be the eyes and ears and conscience of the creator of the universe." "Ya fool !" "[ Groans ]" "[ Dog Barking, Siren Wailing ]" "Let's go over their descriptions again by age, color of skin, etcetera." "For all I know they may not have been earthlings." "For all I know they may have been an intelligent gas from Pluto." "You have some blood on your nose." "A small leak can sink a great ship." "Benjamin Franklin." "That gas moved fast like a fart on linoleum." "Kilgore Trout." "[ Elephant Trumpets ]" "Hey !" "Don't be a caveman !" "Escape to the future, and come on down to Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village !" "I'll make ya a mammoth deal !" "That's right, folks. lt's Hawaiian week, and you can trust your old pal" "That's me, Dwayne Hoover-- to make you a great deal on a luxury sedan just like this one." " Your stop, Hoobler." " Come on down to Exit 1 1 Motor Village." "'m gonna slash some prices just for you!" "During Hawaiian Week we're gonna offer you a whole new deal, and that's no monkey business." "That means great savings on new and used cars and trucks!" "I'm talkin' luxury with attitude, folks." "Yes, sirree, Bob." "Luxury with style." "Luxury with bird shit on the hood !" "[ Man ] Pan to Le Sabre." " There's bird shit on the hood !" "[ Man ] Harry,you're on!" "Oh, hi." "I'm Harry Le Sabre, sales manager for Exit 1 1 Motor Village." "As Dwayne Hoover just told you folks, it's Hawaiian week here." "Tell them about the bird shit on the hood, why don't ya ?" "we're loaded with new cars and trucks !" "Hawaiian week celebrates our inventory reduction sale." "So come on down and drive out with a new automobile, plus a cash rebate of dollar1 ,1 49... and become eligible for a free trip to Hawaii." " Dwayne." "So, remember, it's not too late to enter !" "It's" " Remember, let us prove to you that what's good for Dwayne Hoover... is good for you... too !" "I'd like to see you in my office right away, Harry." "[ Man ] Cut, cut." "Harry, what the hell were you thinking ?" " Do you think we got anything ?" "[ Man ] Not much." "Harry, you spoiled the whole thing." " Mr. Hoover !" " Hey." "Mr. Hoover, I'm sorry about yesterday morning in the restaurant." "My wife, you know, she's" " She sees things that aren't really there." " l understand." " Maybe I'm goin' crazy. I don't know." " l'll go home for hours and talk with my gosh-darn dog." " l understand." " Mr. Hoover !" "How ya doin' there, sir ?" " Good morning." "It's a pleasure to finally meet ya." "I've been watching you half of my life." " Good morning." " Remember this ?" "It's from yourJuly 4 Firecracker Sale." "Had it in my wallet since I was nine." "The good Lord meant for us to work so close because our names are so close, see ?" " Mine is wayne Hoobler." " Hoobler." "Isn't that beautiful ?" "I'm gonna have my own car dealership one day just like you." "Never told anyone that though." "Saved it just for you, sir." " Good morning." " Good morning, sir." "It's a great morning, sir." "Beautiful day, sir !" "Stop shaking my hand now, young man." "You know, you look great." "Hop on in." " That's the" " Young man!" "Young man!" " That's what I told Eli." " Young man !" "Stop shaking my" "My God." "[ Bird Trilling, Monkey Chattering ]" "Fairyland !" "[ whispers ] No." "Harry !" "Harry !" "Come over here. I need to speak to you right this second." "I didn't really say that." "Dwayne, what can I say ?" "I always knew you'd find out someday." "But we've been friends far too long for such a thing to ever interfere..." " Harry !" "Harry, Harry." " with our relationship." " Do you see this young man over here ?" "Please." " Yeah ?" "Take good care of him." "Give him whatever he wants." "Dwayne, I don't know what made me think I could hide it from you." " Grace said it's just a" " Harry." "Harry !" " we'll discuss it in my office, okay ?" " All right." "The inquisition." " Harry, put 'er there." " Hello." " wayne Hoobler." " Hoobler." " Hoobler, yes. lt's a pleasure." " Pleasure." " That your office back there ?" " Yes." " Let's go take a look." " [ Grunts ]" "[ Exhales ]" "[ Clears Throat ]" "For some reason, this looks like it's turning out to be another one of those tough days, so let's keep everything nice and" "Excuse me, Mr. Hoover." "Ever since breakfast yesterday /'ve been thinking very hard on the subject, and I've decided I feel I should quit." "I think it'll be easier on both of us." "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps." "That's just to keep people from being serious all the time, Mr. Sourpuss." "'m sorry, Dwayne." "I know you're just tense." "You're under a lot of pressure." "You remember how you were last year during the George washington Day Giveaway Sale ?" "[ Bird Squawks ]" " Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh." "I swear, some people will swallow almost anything." "[ Pill Clatters /n Wastebasket ]" "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't referring to your wife when I said that." "Dwayne, I have a little something for you." "Just a gift to take with you." "And, um, I forgive you for yesterday, snooks." "[ Bird Squawking ] I've been watching Dwayne Hoover ever since I was nine years old." "Nine years old." "[ Laughs ]" "Did he ever say anything about me, about my habits ?" " He said you'd give me what I need." " Give you what you need." "well, I wonder what the hell he meant by that, huh ?" "[ Clears Throat ] No, please." "Put that down." "[ Clears Throat ]" "That's much, much better." "It's a little medicine." "Now, why don't you fill out this entry form here, and, uh, let's see what we can do for you." "what would you like ?" " Haaaa... way" "A sports sedan." "For color, uh ?" "Yeah, metallic gray purple." "That should make your mouth water." "That should make life in the passing lane a little more comfortable." "Hawaii." "Hawaii. lt's Hawaiian week." "You're eligible for a free trip to Hawaii." " l don't want to go there." "Just come and sit down." "I want to stay here !" "That's all right." "You don't have to go." "That's all right." "Now, uh, do you have a trade-in ?" " A trade ?" " Yes." "Yes, sir, I'm a homemaker." "Honest." "Oh." "A homemaker, huh ?" "Oh, uh, well, maybe a sports sedan isn't quite right for you." "How about a Crown Victoria ?" "One owner, low miles." "Little old lady only drove it to a retirement home." " You have that for me ?" " Yes !" "You just sign right here." " l'll get you the keys." " Fairyland." " what ?" " what ?" " what'd you say ?" " Nothin'." " l didn't say nothin'." "Must have been someb" " Yes,you did." "Goddamn it." "I distinctly heard you say f-f-- why'd you say that ?" "Please, help me." "I need to know why you said that." "is that the image ?" "is that the image ?" "Does it show ?" "For God's sake, man !" "Tell me !" "Does it show ?" "[ Together] Please don't tell Dwayne Hoover." "Look, I'm not lost, I swear !" "I promise. lt's just all the colors." "Colors ?" "what colors ?" "For Christ sake, you have colors on." "This is a black suit." "This is a conservative black suit !" "[ Birds Squawking ]" "Oh." "Oh." "Much, much better." " Now, sit down, Mr. Hoover." " " Bler."" " " Bler" ?" " Hoobler." " Oh." " You see, the good Lord gave us names so close, so that both of us would know exactly what to do." "Hoobler." "Mr. Hoobler." "Now, listen to me." "Now, there are ways to hide these papers permanently." "But you-- you must never, ever... tell anyone about our little talk today." " Yes, sir." " Oh." " And thank you, sir." " Oh, thank you." " Can you do me a favor ?" " Mm-hmm." "Tell Dwayne Hoover l'll be here bright and early in the morning." "No, no, no." "No. wait." "You can't come back !" "Bright and early !" "It's my calling !" " You can't come back !" "[ Door Closes ]" "[ Grunting ]" "One, two, three, four." "Hmm." "Ah." "Ah." "[ Bird Squawking ]" "Ah !" " Ah." " [ Beeps ]" "[ Phone Ringing ]" "Hello ?" "Dwayne knows." "Everybody knows." "He wants to see me in his office." "what do I do ?" "I'm a nervous wreck." "Just take a relax." "l've already taken four time capsules !" " Maui beckons." " No, no, no." "Please, Grace, please." "This is very, very important." "Listen to me." "Harry, what is important is what is, and you are the result of two million biological years." "Don't blow it." "I love you." "[ Line Clicks ]" "Ah !" "Don't blow it, yeah." "[ Paper Rustling ]" "[ Man ] Dear Mr. Hoover," "Sugar Creek Estates, of which you are the primary stockholder and chief developer, will be the subject of a public forum to discuss the toxic soil findings... beneath the development site." "[ Whistle Blowing ]" "[ Vehicle Approaching ]" "[ Horn Honks, Brakes Squeak ]" "[ Grunts ]" "Midland City, come on." "Oh, how can you stand that smell out there ?" "Oh, shut the door !" " Oof!" "Oof." "[ Gears Grinding ]" "Oh, it's all poisoned now." "Think of the shit most of these factories make." "Raspberry air freshener, gourmet cat food, plastic doughnuts." "I used to be a conservationist." "Used to weep and wail when I heard about people shooting bald eagles... from helicopters and all that, but I gave it up." "I laugh about it now. I say, " Up your ass !" "Man needs its gas !"" "You gotta be kiddin' me." "You ever read a story called "Gilgongo" ?" "About a planet that becomes too unpleasant because there was too much creation going on ?" " Gil what ?" " Gilgongo." " Extinct." " l gotta take a leak." "I understand that to mean you're gonna steal a mirror." " Steal a mirror ?" " Leaks." "The holes between two universes." "Don't get too near to that leak." "You don't want to wind up in the other universe, do you ?" " Maybe you should take some more time to relax, Gramps." " Time is a joker." "The only solution to any problem is time." "How lucky can you get ?" "All right, that's 23.50 for the diesel." "Don't forget to clean the side leak there." " The what ?" " The leak." " The mirror!" " Oh, the mir" " Oh, well, that's funny." "what are you lookin' at ?" "[ Bird Twittering ]" "[ Humming "Stranger ln Paradise" ]" "Ah !" "[ Grunts ]" "[ Humming Continues ]" "[ Drums Beating ]" "[ Animal Howls ]" "[ Knocking ] - [ Muffled ] Just a" "Just a gosh-darn minute !" "[ Panting ]" " Okay !" "[ Door Opens ]" "Dwayne !" "[ Chuckles ] Uh" "Hey, how's my old army buddy ?" "As well as can be expected, Harry." "How about you ?" "You having any... problems ?" "No." "No, I, uh-- [ Sighs ] I don't know how to say it, but-- [ Stammering ] I guess it started with the Tugboat Annie movie." "Yeah ?" "[ Laughs ] -[ Bird Squawks ] I don't know." "Maybe it was panties on a clothesline... or Mother's bra in the laundry... or sister's slip, this silk" "Vernon Garr's wife, Rosemary, thinks Vern is trying to turn her brain into plutonium." " what do you think of that ?" " Uh, well" "[ Sighs ] God !" "That's just" "we play around." "Horsey." "Dressy." "Grace and I." "t's fun, but it's" "t's a private thing." "t's in our own house." "we don't" " Uh, i-it" "Not" " You know-- what's wrong-- lt's, uh-- we don't have any children, so, you know, why contribute to overpopulation ?" "Harry, sit down, please." "Sit down !" "Okay." "Damn it." "Oh, geez-- [ Grunts ]" " Sit down !" " [ Grunts ]" " [ Clears Throat ]" " That's good." "You did sit down." "why did you sit down, Harry ?" "[ Bird Squawking ]" "Because you asked me to, Dwayne." "Right." "Good." "I asked you to sit down, and you did." "You do that, don't you, Harry ?" "People ask you to do things, and you do that. why is that, Harry ?" "[ Murmurs ] Uh, what are you saying, Dwayne ?" "what are you saying, Harry ?" "well, what I'm saying is that l" "[ Laughs ] I guess that... I don't really understand my own statement, you know ?" "is that why you're telling people that I've changed, Harry ?" "Oh, no, no, no. / just said you're behaving a little differently." "It's-- l meant it as a compliment." " You meant it as a compliment." " Yes." "So you weren't happy with the way I was before." "Are you sure this doesn't have anything to do with the fact... that only you know that I was adopted, Harry ?" "I want the truth !" "Good God, Dwayne, no !" "Come on." "we're army buddies." "Army !" "You weren't in the army, Harry, remember?" " You stayed home." " [ Sighs ] I was in the Signal Corps." "You were not in the army." "Harry." "I have never let the fact that you have the name of a Buick come between us." " Have I, Harry ?" " No." " Because you can't help that." " No." " lt's not your fault." " Right." "You can't change that, can you, Harry ?" "Mm-mm." "But this is Hawaiian week." "Yeah." "I suggest you go get with Vernon Garr." "Have him get you some cotton waste." "Soak it in blue Sunoco." "And I want you to burn your entire wardrobe." " Do you understand what I'm saying ?" " Yeah." "Now, look, in the old days, when we first started selling new cars, we sold them to older people." "Under those circumstances, it was perfectly all right to dress the way you dress." "Hey, you could dress like a mortician." "You could dress like my Aunt Clarice for that matter." "But doggone it, Harry !" "You seem to be forgetting something !" "we are selling the most aggressively designed automobile on the road today... for people that are looking for unsurpassed driving excitement." "But look at you." "You're dressed like an undertaker." "Now, Harry, I have some good news." "Modern science has given us a whole new wonderful array of colors... with exciting names like red, blue, orange, yellow, pink." " Ah." " Am I making myself clear ?" "[ Smacks Lips ]" "why don't you come right out and say it, Dwayne ?" "Say what, Harry ?" " That I like to wear women's clothes." "[ Gong Pounding ]" " ls that what you like, Harry ?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "No." "No." "[ Laughs ]" "No, no, no, no. well-- [ Stammering ]" "[ Smacks Lips, Blows Raspberry ] Not exactly." "Then why do you want me to say you like to wear women's clothes, Harry ?" "I don't, Dwayne. I don't." "I swear to God I don't." "Then what are you saying ?" "I'll change. I'll change." " You'll change ?" " Yes." " You'll change ?" " Yes." " l have your word on that ?" " Absolutely." "It's Hawaiian week." "I've got to be able to count on you." "Yes, you can." " So you change." " Mm-hmm." " And don't you worry about me changing." " No, no, no, no." " That's fair, isn't it ?" " Oh, absolutely." "That's more than fair." " That's not too much to ask." " No, no, no." "Good God, no." "And I wanna be friends like before." " Friends ?" " Yeah." " Buddies ?" " Buddies." " Buddies." " Buddies." " You can go, Harry." " All right." " Right now." " Oh." "Yes." "Yes, yes, Dwayne." "[ Grunts ]" "Buddies." " [ Sighs ] -[ Phone Ringing ]" "Francine." "[ Chuckles ]" "He said I dress like an undertaker." "Oh, I thought he was gonna bring up" "Just remember, Harry." "Dwayne Hoover is the best employer in town." "Ah !" "[ Man On TV] From the most beautiful place in the world... comes the most exotic tanning product in the world." "Hawaiian Tropic." "Natural oils, tropical fruits, flora, nuts and protective sun screens." "Created by one man for one reason." "[ Woman On TV] White is for laundry." " [ Ringing ] - [ Clears Throat ]" ""Thank you for calling Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village, the number-one dealership in the Four Corners area, where we are celebrating Hawaiian week with free prizes and big discounts."" "This is Francine Pefko." "How may I help you ?" "[ whispers ] Francine." "[ whispers ] Dwayne ?" "I want you to walk out of here with me this very moment... and go to the Best western Apollo Inn in Shepherdstown." "[ Gasps ] Mr. Hoover !" "You ought to have some crazy teenager who can run off with you whenever you want her to." "I don't want a crazy teenager, Francine. I want you !" "[ Tires Screeching ]" "[ Horn Honking ]" " who's this knucklehead, Harry ?" " lt's wayne Hoobler." "[ Horn Honks ]" " He's a friend of Dwayne's." " Take good care of him, will ya ?" " He looks like a good guy." "How ya doin', buddy ?" "wanna take her for a spin ?" "[ Vernon ] Four-door, 429-- -[ Wayne ] Hey, Mr. Hoover!" " what say ?" " [ Vernon Continues, indistinct ]" "[ Vernon ] This key entry thing-- lt's a four digit" "Oh !" "Be right back, fellas." "we're just going to the... bank." "Maybe stop for a... snack." "I'll be here when you get back, Mr. Hoover." "You can count on it." "[ Vernon ] You could fry an egg on this engine if you wanted to." "[ Elephant Trumpeting ]" "Extinct." "Gilgongo." "[ Trout ] The bull elephant makes his way inexorably... for what he knows to be his own certain death." "Slouching, as it were, to what's his own personal Bethlehem." "Gilgongo !" "[ Francine ] Oh, / love the smell of raspberry air freshener." "Hmm." "TV helps me relax." "[ Man On TV, /ndistinct ] - we sure do want you relaxed, Francine." " Hmm !" " That's for sure." "Now why would a thin good-looking man like that... love a woman so heavy?" "Come up here." "Now, welcome to The Monty Rapid Show..." " with Mr. Monty Rapid." "[ Francine Moaning ]" "Thank you, my old friend Virgil, and welcome, everyone, to The Monty Rapid Show." "Today it is my great privilege to have here in the studio as my guest..." " Mr. Fred T. Barry, one of Midland City's great leaders," " Look!" "t's Fred T. Barry." "also one of its wealthiest." " Mr. Barry has joined us-- - l love you, Dwayne." "No, Francine, don't." "Don't." "I know I promised never to say it, but it's a promise I can't help breaking all the time." "Francine, please !" "I know the subject is painful for you, ever since your wife started acting... crazy." " That's enough !" " Oh !" "Can you tell the listening audience what they should expect from your-- our art festival ?" "Art, Monty." "They can expect art." "when I go to heaven-- [ Moans ] on Judgment Day and they ask me what bad things I did down here, I'm gonna have to tell them, well" "A little art, Monty, can go a long way." "t was a promise / made to a man / loved... and I kept breaking it all the time." "Francine, let's just drop the whole subject." "I promised never to say" " Francine, please, just don't say those-- - l love you !" " "The greatest living writer in the English language."" " Love, love, love, love." " Hmm." "[ Francine ] Twist me a bit." "Kilgore Trout." "[ Monty Echoing ] Kilgore Trout." "[ Fred ] Mr. Kilgore Trout." " You work so hard." " Kilgore Trout." " /f / was a man, /'d be tense all the time too." "[ Monty Echoing ] Kilgore Trout." "Kilgore Trout." "[ Monty Echoing ] Kilgore Trout." "[ Monty ] People, stick around." "We'll be right back in a rapid moment right after this important message." "[ Woman ] Dwayne ?" "Remember when we bundled up baby George... and took him for his first ride in the station wagon ?" " He was so happy." " You work so hard, honey." "Maybe that's why God created women:" " to help men relax from time to time." " [ Giggles ]" " [ Grunting ]" " You feel better now, dear ?" "Good." "Oh, darn." "Oh, I promised Gloria I'd be back in one hour." "[ Man On TV] The perfect blast, six feet of choice meats, real dairy cheese." "You know, this would be the perfect location... for a fried chicken franchise right here next to the prison." "[ Rattlesnake Rattling ]" "Dwayne,you're makin'a face like a rattlesnake." "[ Rattling Quickens ]" " Ah !" "Today we're turning out the deals that beat the band" " Aha what ?" " Francine !" "Next time you want to ask me for a gift, do me a favor... and don't hint around until after we are done making love." "I like to keep my lovemaking and my gift giving separate !" "Dwayne, I don't even know what it is you think I want." "I don't even know what it is you think I want, Dwayne !" " why are you doing this to me ?" " God bless America !" "Every woman has her price, Francine." "Yours just happens to be dollar200,000 with parking and lights !" "It's not for me. lt's for you." "Everything I want is for you !" "It's not for me. lt's for you !" "Everything I want is for you, Dwayne !" "[ Gasps ] Harry Le Sabre was right !" "He said you'd changed, and, my God, you've changed." "Dwayne Hoover, you have changed !" "[ Coughs ] I'm sorry I was so cross with you, Francine." "I don't know what's wrong with me." "You're the most loyal and unselfish person I've ever known in my whole life." "I'm so sorry." "Please forgive me." " l'm so confused." " Oh, we all are." "[ Dwayne Grunts] I'm just looking for somebody to steer me in the right direction, just a sign." "I just need somebody to talk to." "That's all." "well, here, baby." "Sit here and tell Mommy everything." " Okay." " [ Moans ]" " Then, tell me, please." " Tell you what, my sweetheart ?" "what life is about." "Oh, only God knows that, Dwayne, only God." "[ Echoing ] God, God, God, God." " Francine ?" " Hmm ?" "Did I ever tell you about my trip to headquarters in Michigan ?" " when you won the Golden Sales Award ?" " Yes." "Mm-mm." "I was given a tour of the research facility." " Do you know what impressed me the most ?" " what ?" "The place where they do everything to cars that you're not supposed to do to cars." " remember seeing a sign on the door of the building... where they did all this torture." "It said, " Destructive Testing."" "I remember looking at that sign and thinking, is this what I'm here for, to see just how much a man can take without breaking ?" "I've lost my way, Francine." "Oh." "Take my hand and lead me out of the woods." " You're just tired, honey." " l'm way beyond tired." "[ Coughing ] we're here visiting with Fred T. Barry" "Maybe we should take you to see a doctor ?" "I don't need to hear what a doctor has to say, Francine." "I've heard what every person in Midland City's had to say twice." "[ Together] which one of us would you like, Dwayne ?" "[ Echoing ] Which one of us would you like, Dwayne ?" "[ Echoes ] Would you like, Dwayne ?" " Dwayne ?" "Dwayne !" "what is it ?" "Dwayne !" "I need to hear truths I haven't heard before." "I may need to speak to someone from another planet." " The function of the artist is to triumph over life." "Snuggies!" "It certainly is." "what about the writers and artists coming to Midland City ?" " what ?" " Maybe you should talk to one of them." " Mr. Kilgore Trout." " Kilgore Trout. wow." "[ Fred ] Kilgore Trout." "[ Organ ]" "Bunny, Bunny Hoover" "Bunny, the crooner, Hoover" "Mr. Rhythm Mover" "Let me have a vodka cranberry, will ya ?" " Got a bladder infection." " Right." "Weekdays to please at Best Western Apollo /nn and Lounge" "And sometimes" "So I don't have to scrounge" "At the competition" "[ Elevator Bell Dings ]" " Yeah" " l'm sure that's enough hair spray, Francine." " Dwayne,just" "Fine." "Looks fine." "[ Organ ]" " Hi." "[ Woman ] Checking out so soon ?" "You just got here." "Hey, everybody, now here's a must." " ln the lobby it's Dwayne Hoover, the man you can trust." " Dwayne ?" "And there's the lovely Francine Pefko, Daddy's secretary from the get-go." " Dwayne, isn't that your son George ?" " Yes, that's George." "Can do Francine, I can do" "Can do a little treasure" " Come on." "Let's go." " Hi, George." " we're leaving." "For your and Daddy's pleasure I didn't know he was in show business or that he had a show business name like Bunny." "Bunny Hoover can do" " Yeah -[ One Person Claps ]" "You're loaded with talent, kid." "You know that." " Yeah ?" " Absolutely." "[ Car Horns Honking ] -[ Ducks Quaking ] lt's just a big elephant !" "Sir ?" "Officer ?" "Did you ever wonder how they get each one to taste exactly the same ?" "[ Horn Honking ]" "Of course, you don't." "You've got too many other things on your mind, bigger things." "I just pray each Sunday that I'll be taken care of, but you ask questions." "what is going on here ?" "[ whirring ]" "Everything all right, Mother ?" " [ Humming ]" " Mom ?" "Mom !" "Mother!" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Horn Honking ] - [ Sighs ]" "That's Dwayne Hoover." " Hmm !" "Look, it's Fred T. Barry." " Hello, Dwayne !" "And we just saw him on television." "we've located world Classics Library." "what is world Classics Library ?" "Kilgore Trout's publisher." " Mmm !" "Listen." "[ Radio ] This is Fred T. Barry." "It's Fred T. Barry on the radio, and he's right next to us." "Do you suppose that means something, Dwayne ?" "[ Fred On Radio ] Mother, who is 94 this week." "The keynote speaker will be none other than the noted novelist Mr. Kilgore Trout." "Kilgore Trout !" " [ Horn Honking ]" " You're going to get us killed !" " Francine !" "Take a memo !" " Mr. Hoover !" " Turn around,jackass !" " what are you, nuts ?" "I want to meet with Kilgore Trout this weekend when he comes to Midland City." "You better start driving sensibly, A.S.A.P., and / am not kidding!" "Just take the gosh-darn memo !" " [ Gasps ]" "Oh !" "what kind of name is Kilgore Trout ?" "On the planet, everything is reversed. lt's chaos." "And the inhabitants live under the snow to keep warm." "They've evolved nail" "They've evolved nails under what we would call their feet." "They're quadrupods, and they got eight nails so they don't slip." "And the sun" " They don't go in the sun, because the sun's reversed." "It's cold." "It's a cold sun." "Cold sun." "Chaos. it's chaos." "Everything's kind of backwards." ""Soahc." "Soahc."" "Eliot, I have come to discuss the arts festival... and the arrangements for the El Greco." " Did you find the writer?" "Kilgore Trout ?" " Yes, we did." "wonderful. l-ls he coming here to Midland City ?" " Yes, Eliot, he is." " wonderful." "Eliot, do you know where Kilgore Trout stories appear ?" "They appear in porno smut magazines." "Tell him, Howell." "Yes, sir." "Whips and Other Trips, Hard Thing and Black Garter Belt." "You mean, uh, like this ?" "What / know is that Kilgore Trout..." "[ Coughs ] should win the Nobel prize for literature." "[ Man's Voice Echoing ] Kilgore Trout," "Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout," "Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout," "Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout," "Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout," "Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout." "[ Fades ] Kilgore Trout, Kilgore" "[ TV." "Techno ]" "[ Static On TV]" "[ Woman On TV] To enhance your life, Panasonic technology brings you information." "What you may not know is we also bring you the long-lasting high performance batteries you need." "The Plus Alkaline battery from Panasonic." "[ Static ]" " This guy looks forward to only one thing." "[ Static ]" "[ Man ] Twelve people were overcome by toxic fumes this morning... and were evacuated from their homes at Sugar Creek Estates." "[ Static ]" " Celia ?" "[ Woman ] Sure, we're having good times, but what if?" " Are you really there ?" "[ Man, /ndistinct ]" " They're not happy." " Bills were adding up and then there's Scott's new school, but we thought, hey, we can handle this." "Then John's company downsized, soJohn's trying to find a new job." "That's right." "Nobody's happy." "They're just trying to sell you something." "But they're together, a real family." "we're gonna be okay." "They're not a real family." "They're not real." "They're not real people." "Real people worry about being surprised, Celia." "They worry about people jumping out at them, shouting their name at inappropriate times." "They worry about being carted off to the bughouse." "[ Man ] we've been taking care of people for more than 3 5 years." " Now they're happy." " Celia, snap out of it !" "They're not real, okay ?" "Real people don't stand around in the grass like that." "They're not real." "They're just lying to you." "They're hired to lie to you." "That's their job on TV !" "You can't trust these people." "Dwayne Hoover slashing prices." "We're going bananas down here for Hawaiian Week." "Hey, ask anybody." "You can trust Dwayne Hoover." "'d trust you, Dwayne." " lf only you'd tell me which..." "Dwayne to trust." "[ Static ] what is that supposed to mean, hmm ?" "Hmm, Celia ?" "is that another one of your little secret messages ?" "Are you telling me that you're leaving me, Celia ?" "is that it ?" "'Cause if you're telling me that just go ahead and tell me, because I can take it." "I can take almost anything these days." "I feel pretty much alone most of the time anyway, to tell you the truth." "what I'm trying to say is, whether we're together..." "or apart... the moments between us... have always existed... and will always..." "[ Static ] -[ Man On TV] Famalton," " the easy formula for stress relief." " exist." " [ Mouthing words ]" " Make each day as good as the best day." "Mmm !" "So you see what I'm saying about management, kid." " You just need a little guidance-- -[ Gunshot ]" "Jesus." "That sounded like a gunshot." " Mommy !" " wait a minute, kid. I'll come with ya." "[ Footsteps Running ]" " Pops, don't shoot. it's me." " Don't shoot me either." "I'm interested in handling his act." "This isn't the first time I've had a gun pointed" "Don't light that in here." "This is a nonsmoking household." "Fair enough. /'ll be outside when you're ready, Bunny." " His name's George !" " George." "Did you shoot Mommy ?" "You were elected cadet colonel at the Prairie Military Academy." "It was the highest rank you could achieve in your senior year." "It was supposed to make a man out of you." "why would I want that ?" "what men do is so often cruel and ugly." "You looked like your mother just then." "Oh, baby." "Go to your room." "Yes, sir." "[ BellJingles ]" "[ Electricity Crackling ]" "The asshole of the universe ain't Midland City." "It's Libertyville, Georgia." " You ever seen Libertyville ?" " No, haven't had the pleasure." "Yeah, about ten years ago I got caught in a speed trap down there." "Got a little mad and took a swing at the cop." "They put me in jail." "Hmm." "Main industry down there is pulping." "Got trucks bringing in hundreds of tons of unwanted printed material... to Libertyville every day." " Paper pulping." " Yeah, paper pulping." "They got so many books down there, they use it for toilet paper." "I sat in jail for two days with nothing to do but read my toilet paper." "I still remember one of the stories that I read." "This story was about as crazy as anything you ever come across." "It was the last story I ever read, as a matter of fact." "It was about another planet where some government guy... used a roulette wheel to decide which artwork to put in the museums and which to keep out." "The roulette wheel is rigged, and then the guy" " This whatever you call, uh, uh" " The Barring-gaffner." "Yeah, the Barring-- Yeah." "Yeah !" "[ Laughs ] Hey !" "That's right." "The toilet paper you read in the Libertyville jail was..." "The Barring-gaffner of Bagnialto... or This Year's Masterpiece By Kilgore Trout." " You actually read that thing ?" " Yeah, of course I read it." "[ Laughs ] Boy, what is his name ?" "Trout ?" "He must be half cracked, don't you think ?" "well, he, uh, was self-educated, if that's what you mean." "He didn't finish high school, but he could quote Shakespeare." ""All the world's a stage." "All the men and women are merely players."" "Yeah." "Didn't make any sense." "It was chaos." "You got that right." "why would you ever read that nutty story if you didn't have to ?" "why ?" "It takes all kinds of people to make up a world." "[ Tires Screeching ] -[ Echoing ] Dwayne Hoover!" "Dwayne Hoover!" "[ Echoing ] Hey, folks, it's me." "Dwayne Hoover!" "Dwayne Hoover!" "[ Elephant Trumpeting ]" "[ Tires Screeching, Engine Revving ]" "[ Tires Screeching ]" " [ Car Beeping ] - [ Panting ] Ooh !" "Good morning, Mr. Hoover !" "[ Echoing ]" "[ Elephant Trumpets ]" " Good morning, Mr. Hoover." "[ Man ] Dwayne Hoover!" "[ Woman ] Dwayne Hoover!" "Mr. Hoover, we are interested in something that hauls like a truck, but drives like a luxury sedan." "Yeah, yeah, and with convenience at our fingertips." "Gonna get a TV set today. I swear, maybe you might come over for dinner." "[ Echoing ] Dinner, dinner, dinner." "[ Elephant Trumpets ]" " Tell me something." " Yeah ?" "Take a look over-- over there." " You see the young man..." " Yeah." "wearing a suit, five, ten and a half?" " Yeah." " Yes." " Good." "Go talk to him." "He'll take good care of ya." "[ Woman ] But, Mr. Hoover, we want to buy a car from you!" "[ Echoing ] You!" "You!" "You!" "Oh." "[ Grunts ]" "Oh." "Ah." " Oh !" "[ Bird Squawking ]" "Okay !" "[ Phone Ringing ] -[ Door Chimes ]" " Oh." "[ Ringing Continues ]" "[ Bird Squawks ]" "Oh, God." "[ Ringing Continues ]" "[ Squawking Continues ]" "Dwayne !" "Buddies." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Gasps ]" "Princes, pa-poo-la Have plenty papaya" "Oh, me, oh, my-a" "You ought to really try a piece of Pa-Poo-La's papaya" "[ Laughs ] Hawaii !" "Aloha !" " Oh, buddies ?" " [ Gasps ]" "Oh, Dwayne." "Look." "You know, I got colors." "I got pink, and the leotards are green." " You said to-- [ Stammers ] - [ Grunts ]" "Oh." "Ah." "Um-- l'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "[ Gasps ] Ow !" "Oh, God." "Oh." "Ooh." "Francine." "I may ask you to slip away with me again today." "Oh, you may ask." "You may ask, but I wouldn't go in a million years." "[ Phone Rings ]" "Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village." "May I help you, please ?" "Just one moment, please." "It's for you, Mr. Hoover." "Oh, I guess you're not accepting calls today." "Unless I take a g.d. memo, I forget every little thing" "[ Muffled ] what are you doing ?" " [ Sighs ]" " Hello ?" "My name is Horace Durenwurst." "I am with the E.P.A." "I'd like to ask you some questions regarding the soil toxicity at Sugar Creek Estates." "If that man calls back, you tell him I've moved away." "Tell him I've moved to Manitoba." "It's in Canada." " Oh." "Oh." "[ Elephant Trumpeting ]" "[ Ringing ]" "[ Sighs ]" " Hello ?" " Grace, he didn't say anything." "He didn't do anything." " He just stood there." " Fuck him, Harry." "The grass skirt fell off and, uh" "To him obviously I'm revolting." "Harry, how many times do I have to tell you not to be ashamed of what's underneath ?" "Oh, God, let's just get to Hawaii as soon as we can." "[ Objects Clattering ]" " Yes." "Yes, you know, Grace, I think you're right." " l know I'm right." " You're so wise, Grace." "You know, I'll get us two tickets to Hawaii." "I'll fix the drawing." "I'll get us two tickets to Hawaii." "Oh, that's the best idea you've had since you quit therapy." "[ Man ] Oh, boy, oh, boy!" "Look at that!" "What's that all about, those co-ed sex orgies they have in college ?" "It's a science fiction novel written several years ago." "The premise is that life's an experiment by the creator of the universe." "He wants to test a new creature he's thinking of introducing into the scheme of things." "The creature has the ability to make up his own mind." "All the other creatures are fully automated robots." "Robots !" "That does not describe me, Andy wojeckowzski, no, sir !" "I'm my own boss !" "Right down the highway, baby !" "Come on." "The book takes the form of a long letter... from the creator of the universe to the experimental creature." "That sounds nice." "So where do the naked sorority girls come in ?" " They don't." " They don't ?" "That's just... stupid." "I mean, that's dumb." " mean, who'd want to publish something like that ?" "Who'd want to write something like that ?" "That's just my opinion." "[ Laughs ] You know what /'m saying ?" "Man!" "Stupid." "[ Harry ] You know those glasses that Dwayne wears ?" "He doesn't need 'em." "He just wears 'em because he thinks it makes him look smart." "He's bald too." "That's why he combs his hair over to the side like that to cover up the bald spot." "When the wind blows, it stands straight up." "He looks like Baby Huey." "He's got a small penis too." "I suppose we all want to have large penises though, don't we ?" "Anyway, here, fill out this entry form, and I'll take care of everything else." "I'm not goin' anywhere, man !" "well, that's the point." "You don't have to.Just fill this out for me." "I'll take care of the rest." "Drawing's this afternoon." " Hey, Mr. Hoover !" " Oh,Jesus Christ !" "Tell him you saw me." " changed my clothes." "[ Horn Honking ]" "Forget it !" "You haven't seen me !" "[ Sniffing ]" "[ Fanfare ]" "Ohh." "And the winner is... wayne Hoobler of Midland City." "[ Applause ] well, Mr. Hoobler, if you're watching, you have just won first prize... which is a round-trip ticket for two to beautiful Hawaii !" "And I am sure-- l am sure that Dwayne Hoover," " the generous and benevolent owner-- -[ Grace ] Benevolent ?" "Christ, Harry, haven't I taught you anything ?" "...will give you a choice of islands, including Maui !" "[ Cheering ]" " How about that wayne Hoobler, Midland City !" "Yes!" "And now, this, this voyage-- this, this wonderful voyage-- this, this exploration into-- into, uh-- into what-- into the secret hiding places... where what is the, uh" "Oh, my God, Harry." "Shut your mouth." "wonderful, beautiful sanctuaries of peace." "The peace of it all and... the terrible, horrible, horrible war years where-  where all the private clubs..." " He was never in the army." "and down and down into the sordid underbelly!" " what's gotten into Harry ?" "Down into the bottom where it's members only !" " Geez, this is live." "And the cruel name-calling." "The naming, naming !" "The terrible hurt !" "But the hunger, the wonderful hunger... for some sort of full play, full swing, plenty of rope, a little elbow room." "No more mountains !" "No more mountains !" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Sorry." "I've got the tickets right here." "No, the tickets are-- well, I had the tickets." "I have tickets." "They're right here." "Oh !" "Oh !" "[ Crowd Gasping ]" " Oh !" "Oh, my !" "Oh, my goodness." " Huh ?" " Oh, my." " Oh, my." " Go for it, big boy." "Just go for it !" "[ Chuckling ] Um" "Pan to Mr. Hoover." "Mr. Hoover, you're on." "You're live." "[ Crowd Chattering, Laughing ] I love you like a brother, Dwayne Hoover." "Like a brother." "[ Director ] We better get an ambulance." "[ Men Arguing ]" "[ Horns Honking ]" "[ Man ] Having a good day, old man ?" "I already know I look ridiculous !" "I've made this long pilgrimage for an orgy of masochism." "Midland City, I have arrived." "[ Groans, Sighs ]" "[ Horns Continue Honking ]" "[ water Bubbling ]" " Yoo-hoo, mister." " Huh ?" "Are you going in there ?" "why, it's the only way to Midland City." "well, then, these will help." "I don't, don't need 'em." "Oh." "[ Groans ] The arts festival awaits me." "[ Grunts ]" "[ Grunting ]" "Treat me like a cockroach, Midland City." "Feast your eyes... on your miserable creator." "[ Groaning ]" "You've given me a life not worth living, but an iron will to live !" "[ Groaning Continues ]" "Maui !" "Maui !" "Maui !" "Maui !" "She's goin'." " [ Dwayne ] / just have too many cars." "That's all!" "Just forget it, sir." "I can't forget it because I should know my driver's license number." "Maria, she said if she was gonna-- She came that way... and then she said she would come this way-- [ Gasps ]" " [ Mumbles ] - who am I ?" " [ Mumbling ]" " Mr. Hoover, sir." "How are you this evening ?" "what a pleasure." "is there anything-- [ Groans ]" " who am I ?" " [ Mumbling ]" "Please, someone just tell me who I am." "Sorry, Mr. Hoover. I did not realize that you were the owner." " knew that you were the owner, but / didn't realize you were the owner of this AmeriTel /nn." " should have recognized." " Well, enjoy your stay at the AmeriTel /nn." "[ Door Closes ]" "[ Hiccups ]" "Mr. Trout." "[ Woman Over P.A.] Welcome to Midland City Arts Festival." "The AmeriTel /nn invites you to join us tonight in our cocktail lounge at 6.00 p.m.... to celebrate the first annual Midland City Arts Festival." "I look perfect for my mission." "[ Birds Twittering ]" "Not now." "Not now." "The Abominable Snowman has arrived." "Kidnapped from the slopes of Mount Everest." "Taken as slave to a bordello in Rio deJaneiro." "I've come to the arts festival in Midland City... to have myself acknowledged before I die... as a great artist I believe myself to be." "Mr. Trout, / would know you anywhere." "Marlo, his bags, please." " Yes, ma'am." " Take these to his suite." " Can I take your hat ?" " How do you know who I am ?" " lt had to be you." " Nobody's ever known who I was before." "[ Rosewater ] Kilgore Trout!" "I am Eliot Rosewater, your greatest admirer." "You're Rosewater ?" "You don't look like a person who reads those magazines." " have gathered to this date only 4 1 of your novels... and 63 of your short stories." "And, of course, I've read them all." " You've read that much of my stuff?" " Of course." "Please, have a seat." "we are proud... to be the first community to acknowledge... the greatness of Kilgore Trout." "Midland City is ready for a renaissance." "And you, sir, shall be our Leonardo." "[ Panting ] I regret that I must leave immediately on Rosewater Foundation business." "But the honor, sir, has been entirely mine." "Let's go." "I need my shot." "That kid has books of mine ?" "Yes, and he let me read them all." "I loved them." "[ Groaning ]" "More flowers than at a gangster's funeral." "Midland City seems to be gettin' behind the arts in a great big way." "well, like Mr. Rosewater said-- teach us to dance and sing... and laugh and cry." "Do I look like a dancer or, or a singer or a man of joy ?" "would a man nourished by beauty look like this ?" "Open your eyes." "My eyes are opened." "And I see someone who has dared to walk... through the fires of truth to the other side... and come back to tell us about it." "[ inhales Deeply ]" "If there is anything you need-- l mean, anything-- don't be afraid to call me." "Ting-a-ling." "Hmm." "[ Door Closes ]" "[ Celia ] Dwayne. [ Echoing ]" "[ Gasps ]" "Dwayne." "My feet are so hot." "I may never get this stuff off." "[ Phone Ringing ]" "[ Ringing Continues ]" "Kilgore Trout !" "[ Echoing ]" "Kilgore Trout, Trout, Trout, Trout" "Kilgore Trout, Trout, Trout, Trout" "All your questions will be answered tonight." "Look for me downstairs in the cocktail lounge !" "Kilgore Trout." "Kilgore Trout." "[ Man ] And just flap it right up to a blank white canvas." "Then / would put Day-Glo bars around it, and call it caged shit." "That's what I would do." "Oh, man." "[ Chattering lndistinctly ]" "Breakfast of champions." "You said that the last time you brought me my martini." "I say it every time I serve a martini, Mr. Hoover." "That's probably why God invented these little small towns, so people could keep saying the same stupid jokes over and over again." "I just like to cheer people up." "That's all." "Okay." "No." "Mr. Hoover, would you just do me a favor, please ?" "I just-- l just would-- l would love the honor... of you signing my wrist." "I want to show it to my father." "He's sick in the hospital, and the bills are just piling' up." "It would really impress him." "It would." "Thanks a lot." "Nothin' special." "Just your autograph would be great." "Yeah, they opened him up and it just keeps gettin' worse." "Don't know what we're gonna do." "There it is." "There's that smile." "Just love it." "we just-- we just love you. we do." "And when you said "bird ca-ca" on TV the other day" " Ca-ca." " "ca-ca--"" "my dad laughed for the first time in two years." "Thanks. we just-- we just trust you so much. we do." "Thanks." "Oh, God." "Thank you." "Ca-ca." "[ Celia ] Dwayne, Dwayne," "Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne" " Celia ?" " Talk to me." "Talk to me, please." "[ Giggling ] we're not happy, Dwayne." "Share something with me, Dwayne." "Bye, Blue Monday." "[ /ndistinct Muttering ] I trust you, Dwayne." "Are you sorry, Dwayne ?" "Perhaps before" "They were taking Mr. Le Sabre to the Midland General Hospital, north wing." "The" " The psychiatric ward." " [ Ringing ]" " Hold on, please." "Dwayne Hoover, Exit 1 1 -- l-- l don't know where Mr. Hoover is." "I got dollar36." "Sold." "And remember, you can trust wayne Hoobler." "[ Both whooping, Shouting ]" "Get out of that car !" "[ woman ] Oh, it's a tilt steering wheel." "Ooh." "[ Grunts ]" "All right, Bunny, I got this place rigged for lighting exactly like we talked about." "So, the table's set." "All you gotta do is go out there and eat the dinner." " Can do, Bill." "Can do." " All right." "You wanna give me a hug ?" "You go get 'em." "[ Scattered Applause ]" "[ Man ] You know, / discovered this kid with the rabbit." "Good evening." "[ Lounge ]" "Hey, great to see you here" "Have a scotch Have a beer" " lt's Kilgore Trout !" " There he is !" "It's Kilgore Trout !" "[ Singing Continues, /ndistinct ]" "Hey !" " Mr. Kilgore Trout. I'm Fay." " l'm Kay." "This is indeed a rare pleasure." " Oh, my goodness, I just love artists." " They're so artistic." "Hey, feel the jive Join in the fun" "Midland City America's number one" "Yeah" "That's Kilgore Trout." "Play that intro you got worked out. i'll get the lights." "Now, you're not from around here, are ya ?" "Yeah. I'm from Exit 1 1 Motor Village." "I'm wayne Hoobler." "wake up Get out of bed" "There's plenty of good art just ahead" "Be right back." "Now salute the man we can't do without" "The wonderful, lovable beautiful Kilgore Trout" "Yeah" "Finally, Kilgore Trout ?" " Kilgore Trout ?" " Yes." " The message, please." " what ?" "My message !" "You know what message I'm talking about !" "is this it ?" "is this for me ?" "t's mine." "What are you doing with it ?" "t's mine." " what are you doing ?" " "Dear, sir." "Poor sir, brave sir." "You are an experiment of the Creator of the Universe." "You are the only creature in the entire universe who has free will."" "That's godlike with a little "g"." "[ Lounge ]" "Take my hand I'm a stranger in paradise" ""You are the only one who has to figure out what to do next." "And why."" "That's exactly right." "How did you know" " How did you know this ?" "" Everybody else is a robot, a machine." "Some persons like you, while others seem to hate you." "And you must wonder why." "They are simply liking and hating machines." "All of this has made you pooped and demoralized."" "You see, this is me." "I am pooped and demoralized." "[ Continues ] lf this isn't nice, what is ?" "Out of the common place into the rare" "Somewhere in space" ""You are surrounded by machines whose only purpose is to stir you up... in every conceivable way... so that the Creator of the Universe can watch your reactions."" " wait, there's more." "There's more." " This is it." ""The Creator of the Universe would now like to apologize, not only for the capricious jostling companionship he provided during the test, but also for the trashy stinking condition of the place itself."" "The robots have been programmed for millions of years to abuse it... so it would be a poisonous, festering cheese by the time you got here." "He also programmed the robots to crave sexual intercourse more than anything else..." " so it would be crowded when you got here." " You bet you." "He had the robots kill each other by the millions for this purpose only that you be amazed." "They have committed every possible atrocity and every possible kindness... just to get a reaction from you." "That's right." "That's right." "It's workin', kid." " Thank you." " No, thank you." " Thank you so much, my friend." "You helped me so much." " You're entirely welcome." " Thank you." " Good, good." "[ Grunts ] Ah, ha-ha !" "Nice guy." "Won't you answer" " Out of my way, dancing machines !" " [ Crowd Gasping ]" "[ Maniacal Laughter]" "Just what /'m looking for." " Oh, so good to see you !" " [ Crowd Screaming ]" "Where are the bravery machines ?" "Got you. when you were a little boy machine, I loved the way your head was shaped like a cantaloupe." "Now look at you." " Daddy, why are you doing this ?" " Because !" "You see ?" "They don't feel a thing." "They're unfeeling machines !" "[ Screaming Fades ]" "[ Thinking ] ls this because of my creation ?" "is this the sum total of what I stand for ?" "Will you explain exactly what it is about my writing... that made you want to, to hurt these people ?" "You said it yourself-- "l'm the only creature in the universe that has free will."" " Don't you remember ?" " My God, that's not the answer." "[ woman Screaming ] Listen you !" " Dwayne Hoover's gone berserk !" " [ Grunting ]" " l don't like you anymore !" " l feel the same way myself." "The New York machine !" "Get out of my way!" "Ha-ha!" "[ Groaning ]" "They don't feel anything anyway." "who wants some of the car dealer, huh ?" "You're not supposed to know the answer, for cryin' out loud." "why not ?" "If you knew the answer, there'd be no more questions." "[ Wayne ] Dwayne ?" "Dwayne." "Come on." "Escape." "Come follow me." "Young man !" "Come on out !" "Young man!" "Olly, oily, oxen free." "Ha-ha !" "You are there." " Hey, Mr. Hoover." " Good." "Yes." " what do you say there, pal of mine ?" " You really are there." "Hey, hey !" "where are ya ?" "Ah" "You're" " You're too good for me." "Hey. what the-- what kind of machine are you ?" "Hey, I'm wayne Hoobler." "And Eli said we couldn't trust anybody, but in God we trust !" "I never, never trust anybody !" "Dwayne ?" "what are you, a trusting machine ?" "Yes." "why, yes, I am." " Dwayne ?" " [ Groans ]" "Yes, I am !" "I'm wayne Hoobler, and I'm home !" "Fairyland !" "Ahh." "Fairyland !" "Ha-ha !" "[ Thinking ] where is that guy ?" "[ Francine ] Mr. Hoover!" "Where have you been ?" "where are all the showroom cars ?" "Headquarters called and they're very upset you missed that spot this afternoon." " Mr. Hoov-- ls everything all right ?" " Browbeatin' machine !" " [ Gasps ]" " Oh, here's the best fucking machine... in all of Midland City." "Mr. Hoover, you are the most hateful man I have ever met." "Sure !" "Just wind her up and she'll say she loves you." "And she'll keep goin' until she gets her own fried chicken franchise." "Yes, I said I loved you, but that was when you stood for something-- when you were a man of hope, truth and success." "But you've become a betrayer, Mr. Hoover." "A fake." " Fine !" "[ Growling ]" "Get the police !" "Go !" "Call the police!" "There's only one thing you can do." " Tell me what it is." " The only thing you can do is continue." " Continue ?" " Continue." "That's right." "You're a continuing machine." "Can't quit now." "Gotta keep going." "That's why you were born." " Yesterday was my birthday." " Yeah, until you're dead, it's all life !" "[ Screams ] That's it !" "What did you just say?" "[ Panting ] what did you just say ?" "Until you're dead, it's all life." "So make the most of it." "Life ?" "You're right." "It's all life." "Oh, my goodness !" "Are" " Are you all right ?" "So, it's you." "The Creator of the Universe." "Well, it delights me... that I no longer have to suffer your gift of life anymore." "The joke's on you, isn't it, big fella ?" "Huh ?" "what are you gonna do when you run out of playthings ?" "I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean it." "Your kind never has to mean it." "is there anything I can do for you ?" "Anything I can do to help ?" "Get me a Nobel prize or, or a reputable publisher." "I'm sorry. I can't really-- l don't-- l don't think I can help you with those things, but if there's anything else, please feel free." "Free ?" "Like Tolstoy freed his serfs, Jefferson freed his slaves ?" "Feel free ?" "Feel free." "[ Chuckles ]" "[ Stammering ] I will make the most of it." "Celia." " Until you're dead, it's all life." " Feel free." "Free ?" "Until you're dead, it's all life." "[ Birds Twittering ]" "wait a minute, Bunny." "I know you think that was a bad show." " l gotta be by myself for a little while." " lt wasn't a bad show." " lt was great." "They loved it." " l think my daddy loves me." "Of course he loves you, but he's a nut job. wait." "Let's talk about this." "wait, Bunny." "I love you !" "[ Panting ]" "Celia ?" "Celia ?" " Dwayne ?" " Celia ?" " Dwayne ?" " where" " Dwayne ?" " where are you ?" " l'm here." "Over here." " l need help, Celia." "You need these." "Put on the boots, Dwayne." "Put on the boots." "You can do it." "[ Crying ]" "I'm so sorry." " l'm so sorry, Celia." " You can do it." "[ Sirens Wailing /n The Distance ]" " So sorry." " Don't stop now." "You can do it." "I understand." "Oh." "Bunny." " Dad." " Come here, son." " All right, Mr. Hoover." "That's enough." " Hey, what the" "[ Celia ] No!" "No!" "[ Dwayne ] /t's okay." " Not unless you got a good lawyer, buddy." "I understand now." "Until you're dead, it's all life." "Until you're dead, it's all life, Celia." "That's it." "Good-bye, Blue Monday !" "Bye, Blue Monday." " lt's okay." "Everything's okay." " Get in the car." "l-- l'm not mad." "I'm-- l'm okay." "All right, let's go." "Let's move it !" " l love you." " l love you too." "I love you." "Daddy." "[ Siren Wailing ]" "[ Mouthing words ]" "Make me young." "[ Animal Howling ]" "[ Birds Twittering ]" "[ Bird Squawking ]" "[ Twittering Continues ]" "[ Squawking Continues ]" "[ Twittering Continues ]" "[ Squawking Continues ]"