"All right, he's a 6." "Oh, totally a 6." "Yum!" "Oh, he's a 7." "No way!" "5 1/2, tops." "Ouch!" "Okay, that's harsh, right?" "No, that's what I like about it." "Okay." "He's a 10." "I mean, look at him." "Eww, dude, a 10?" "!" "Like, get away!" "I can't believe you're into that." "I hope he's, like, seven inches max." "Inches?" "I thought we were rating them on hotness." "I thought we were rating them on dick size." "Why would we be rating them on dick size?" "Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size?" "It's all I can see." "Those b-ball shorts are God's gift." "If you train your eyes, you can see their religion." "♪ Break the cork and bring the funk ♪" "♪ Come on, boy, break the cork and bring the funk ♪" "Hey, ladies, your staring is making some of the guys feel uncomfortable." "Seven." "♪ Four and three and two and one ♪" "Ohh." "Damn-a!" "I've never been to a restaurant this nice." "I've never even worked at a restaurant this nice." "I read their molten lava cake is "life-changing."" "Perfect for your birthday." "Oprah says that your birthday dictates the kind of year you're about to have." "I haven't eaten a thing in the past 36 hours in order to be able to, like, really stuff myself with as much expensive food as possible." "It's gonna raise my market value, like, so much." "I'm gonna have a high high-end year." "I've been overeating this week and then emptying myself with laxatives." "It's been working really well." "Too well." "My underwear is filled" "Good evening, mademoiselles." "Hi." "Enchante, uh, monsieur." "My dad-- my father figure has made a reservation under Abbi Abrams for two." "I believe his payment card should be on file." "We are on celebration... for my birthday." "Oh, how wonderful." "May I take your coats?" "Please... do." "Here you go." "Would you care to keep your jacket, Madame?" "It looks like you may be cold." "I'm perfect." "Loving the temp." "You look amazing." "You look amazing." "Stop it." "Give me a spin." "I feel amazing." "Give me a spin." "Oof!" "Oof!" "Love it." "So, uh, I know that B-Z, Beyonce and Jay-Z, ate here recently, and, um, we would really love to be seated at their table." "Of course you would." "I like him." "Yeah." "So, where did, um, Beyonce sit and where did Jay sit exactly?" "Uh, yes, Ms. Knowles sat here and Mr. Carter sat here." "Do you freak out when celebrities come in here?" "Yes." "That's why I love my job." "Enjoy your meals." "Thank you." "Oh, wait!" "Are-- Are you Beyonce or Jay-Z?" "Part of me feels like I would be Jay-Z, but then I know that you would maybe want to be a dude." "You're right." "And Beyonce and I do have similar curves." "Oh, yes." "You're B, I'm Jay." "I'm Jay." "Hello." "My name is John." "I'll be your server tonight." "Hi, John." "Hi, John." "I understand you lovely ladies will be having the seafood prix fixe dinner this evening." "Excellent." "Before we get started, are there any food allergies you'd like me to know about?" "Yeah, peanut allergies are a really big deal." "You gotta be careful, they can be so fatal." "Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing across the board-- No." "I actually meant if you have any food allergies you'd like me to know about." "No, none that I, uh, want to share with you." "Well, allow me to tell you about our first course." "It is a local pureed chard that is topped with poached crab and then splashed with a really yummy ramp dressing." "I love yummy ramps." "Oh, I love, um, chards." "We like to say here that ramp is the truffle of onions." "It's a dumb little joke." "We like to say that, too." "That's funny." "Now have you guys been to Octavia before?" "No, we are poppin' our cherry." "Wow." "Well, you just let me do the driving." "I'm gonna take excellent care of you guys tonight." "Okay." "Once again... je m'appelle John, and bonne anniversaire." "Oh, thank you." "Wow." "He's tall and he's bilingual?" "I'm short and I can't speak English good." "He probably has a French press and one of those things that in the bathroom you clean your butthole with." "Oh, a bidet." "A bidet." "He's so classy." "Totally." "You're bad-mouthing me to Anton now?" "You cannot find one minute to go pick my sister up at the airport?" "Tell her fat ass to flag down a cab like a person." "My sister is an ex-junkie, John, okay?" "She needs someone to pick her up, she can't be unsupervised." "Jesus Christ, she's a grown woman." "She can't be babysat her whole life, Cheryl." "Well, thank you so much for the support." "Support?" "Tell her to give back the laptop she stole." "She never stole that!" "You have no proof that she-- Are you kidding me?" "You need to wake up." "What?" "You're crazy." "I don't know that she gave us bedbugs for sure, but I'm pretty damn positive." "This is why I wanted you to go to Al Anon." "Salmon, we got onion rings, we got a gumbo." "How's the steak doing?" "Every once in a while, I like a finger." "Amen." "Nose, vagina, butthole." "If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there, then why did She make them perfectly finger-sized?" "Exactly, that's what they're for." "And here's your amuse-bouche." "Enjoy, ladies." "Your 26th year is starting off so badass it is blowing my mind." "It is, right?" "I had slightly above-average sex last night, which for me, you know, is incredible sex." "For most." "You know what?" "To Doug." "For turning you out." "I planned it so that we were doing it at the stroke of midnight, as I turned 26." "You have given yourself a truly spiritual sexual experience." "You know, I just feel, like, really good inside." "You know what?" "I gotta pee." "I'll be right back." "And how is everything so far?" "So delicious." "I just want to thank you for your service and your joie de, uh... jooge." "Oh, well, it's my pleasure." "Ours, too, as well." "Mmm." "So soft." "I just peed out a condom." "Clams Persimmico in a gold leaf glaze." "Bon appetit." "Thank you so much." "This looks incredible." "May I grab you another fork?" "This is perfect, thank you." "Well, hello, my fancy girl" "No, don't, I'm not fancy, I'm disgusting." "I went to the bathroom, and then-- and then I was going to the bathroom, and then a condom fell out of me." "Did you pee it or poop it?" "I peed it." "Why'd you immediately go there?" "I didn't poop it, dude." "Hey, it's 2014." "Anal's on the menu." "I can't even believe that, like, I didn't notice it." "I was, like, very present, you know?" "I don't know how he didn't notice it." "It happens to everybody." "Has it happened to you?" "No." "Everything I've done has happened to you." "Not yet is what I meant to say." "So what?" "You're a nasty bitch, who cares?" "All right." "Let's go get high, and then we can enjoy this clams Filipino even more." "Okay." "That's a good idea." "Hi, would you mind making sure they don't take those clams?" "Thank you." "You know, I know you're in your head, but... this birthday is a maje improvement from last year's." "Yeah, well, I shouldn't have tried to throw myself a surprise party." "You should have tried." "It was a mistake." "Hi." "Want a hit?" "Thanks for the food." "It's amazingly delicious." "I don't prepare the food." "I just, uh, clear the plates." "Yeah, but... you know." "You know what I've been thinking about?" "Every animal, from every movie we've loved as a kid, probably dead." "Think about it." "Air Bud - dead." "All 101 Dalmatians are probably dead." "I guess Babe from "Babe" is dead." "Ooh, we could have eaten Babe tonight." "Well, maybe not." "Pigs live longer than dogs." "I think they might live longer than humans?" "I think that's turtles." "Tramp, from "Lady and the Tramp."" "Tramp's a cartoon." "I know that." "She was for real." "I know that it was a cartoon." "Uh, I gotta go, but thanks." "No worries." "Hey, and I know you didn't make the food, but... you will one day." "Uh... thanks." "You know, that Tramp was my first sexual crush." "He was hot." "He was like a spunky bad boy." "You know who was mine?" "Stimpy." "Stimpy from "Ren and Stimpy"?" "Yeah, I feel like he has a similar build to Lincoln." "Huh." "They left your clams." "The world is good, dude." "Ilana, hold on, are you okay?" "Your face is like really red and your eye is blowing up." "Full disclosure:" "I'm a little allergic to shellfish." "That's all we've been eating tonight." "I really know my body, dude." "I go up to the edge and then I scale it back." "I'm good at it, honestly." "It looks worse than it is, I feel great." "How do I not know that you're allergic to shellfish?" "You don't know everything about me." "I feel like I do." "You text me every time you take a dump." "I know about the pimple on your nipple and I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card." "I have mystery, too." "I haven't even told you yet that I want to put my fist in our waiter's mouth sexually." "I feel like he only has sex on top of baby grands." "Oh, my God." "He's so classy." "You know what?" "Maybe I should find a girlfriend who will actually come see my band play." "John, I told you when we met that I hate music." "What kind of weirdo hates music, Cheryl?" "Mario, we see you in the corner." "Everybody can tell that you're stoned." "Don't listen to her, Mario." "Smoke all the weed you want, bro." "How dare you!" "Don't forget whose name is on the lease." ""How dare you?"" "You know what?" "I'll cancel the cable, then have fun figuring out what happens on "Homeland," you gross baby." "I need a 42." "I need an onion ring," "I need a tagliatelle with light sauce." "All right." "Here is the shellfish medley." "I'm really excited for you guys to try this." "We have crab three ways and lobster nine ways." "Get in my belly!" "You guys are a kick." "Oh, man." "Anyway, like I was saying," "I know I can't really sing." "Mmm, but I feel like if I had, like, private lessons and learned how to, like, really breathe, then I could, like, I could sing really well." "Mm-hmm." "But don't repeat that to anybody." "I won't." "Oh, my gosh." "Ilana, Doug's calling." "Pick it up." "Tell him... not to leave his trash inside your body." "I'm gonna." "I'll be right back." "You get it, girl." "I had a really good time last night." "Yeah, so did I, until I came to this really fancy restaurant for my birthday and I peed out a condom." "Ohh!" "What?" "Yeah, I know." "Did you not notice that you were missing a condom?" "We didn't use a condom last night, so, no, I wasn't keeping track." "What?" "!" "Oh, sorry." "We didn't use a condom" "I heard you." "What do you mean we didn't use a condom?" "I took it off." "I thought you saw." "No, I didn't see that." "Because, like a lady," "I keep my eyes closed when I make love." "You're a condom girl." "I will make a note of that for next time." "There's not gonna be a next time." "Are you sure, Abbi?" "No, I'm not sure, 'cause I'm not sure about anything." "Something just fell out of my body, so I gotta go deal with that, and you need to deal with me dealing with that." "Well, you do what you got to do, girl." "All right, well, maybe I'll talk to you soon." "You will." "Okay." "Seafood turducken." "We have a small Maine clam inside the mouth of a lobster inside a larger Maine clam." "Yum." "Seafood paradise." "All righty." "You know, I'm gonna suck on those legs a little longer, so..." "Thanks so much." "Oh, my God, Ilana, your face looks insane." "Hey, this is what living on the edge looks like." "It's not that bad." "I could still wink, see?" "Yeah, this is pretty bad." "But honestly, I know my limit." "I'm just pacing myself for that lava cake." "Okay, you've absolutely reached the limit." "Your face looks like the underbelly of a tugboat." "Listen, we are here celebrating your birthday, okay?" "Yeah, and for my birthday" "I would love for you to stay alive." "Abbi, I am a veteran of this game." "I got three to three and a half servings of shellfish left in me." "I feel it." "And then my throat's gonna start to close up and you'll just stab me with an epi pen." "It's not a big deal." "Where am I getting an epi pen?" "From my clutch." "Durr!" "So you planned on having me stab you with an epi pen?" "You know, stop trying to change the subject." "What did Doug say to you on the phone?" "Okay, so, it turns out that, um, he wasn't wearing a condom last night." "What?" "!" "It had to have been the condom from the other night with boring Ben," "which means that... there was a condom in my person for four days." "Normally, I would be overjoyed that you had sex twice in one week." "Okay, I could have sworn that he was" "You could have sworn what?" "Not only are we talking STDs here," "I can't even imagine how many dudes would love to lock you down with an unexpected pregnancy." "I mean, what do you think" "All right, the Alaskan king crab stew." "And I do hope you ladies enjoy it." "Thank you so much, John." "Eww." "I mean, your body is a temple." "You've got to respect it." "Ilana, stop, that's enough." "No, enough." "Hey, two more bites." "It is so expensive." "Ilana, stop eating-- okay." "We're not doing this anymore." "No, one more, one more." "Come on, take this pen." "Hey!" "No, no!" "Ilana, take the pen." "Aah!" "God!" "I stabbed myself." "I just stabbed myself!" "Whoo!" "Adrenaline!" "I... could actually take that pen." "I feel so alive right now!" "What's going on?" "Ilana, I got you, girl." "It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!" "Wait, wait." "We'll take those two molten lava cakes to go." "26, 26!" "Yes, thank you, I need an ambulance to Octavia restaurant, please." "Why don't you have the ambulance drop you off at a mental hospital?" "Because you're a crazy person." "I hope you die in your sleep." "I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly." "Yes, it's an allergic reaction to seafood." "Speak clearly." "Someone is dying." "Mm-hmm." "Unbelievable." "I'm king of the world!" "Abbi, you are the love of my..." "life." "Sorry." "Yes." "Ohh!" "We got this." "Okay." "You know what I was thinking about?" "I have no clue." "After tonight, I realized we gotta get back into our bucket list, dude." "Yes." "We let it go for too long." "I don't want to wait till we're dead to actually get to it." "I have them, I'll pull them up." "There's a lot on here." "I think we need to make some edits." "Why?" "What's on there?" "Okay, mine - own an elliptical." "Go to a pug farm." "I just want to, like, lay with, like, a lot of pugs." "You know?" "Do heroin under the aurora borealis." "Okay, so none of those can go." "Good luck editing." "What are some of mine?" "Okay." "Make your own Passover Seder." "To be able to squirt." "Hello." "Okay." "To be held in Abbi's arms." "You did that tonight." "Ohh." "You carried me." "Yeah." "Guess I'm pretty strong." "Who knew?" "Mr. Rosenberg?" "Mr. Rosenberg." "He's not breathing." "Blue team to the ER." "Draw four units of ACE inhibitors." "Blood pressure dropping." "60 over 30." "One milligram of epinephrine in." "Get the pads." "Paddles charging, clear." "Patient not responsive." "Clear!" "Time of death, 2:47 AM." "You know what another one of mine is?" "To be an Asian girl." "To be one?" "I mean, if technology ever allows for it," "I'd actually love a crack at every race." "Huh." "All right, I'll add it to the list." "I'm just gonna say it." "First night of my 26th year-- pee out a condom, go to the hospital." "I think that that means that this year is just gonna be really" "Fun and cool and fresh?" "Well, I was gonna say awesome, but yeah." "Okay, it will be, except" "I will be imposing the strictest condom policies." "From now on, you will be sending me a picture of every dick that you are about to... host wearing a condom." "Deal?" "No deal." "Oh, my God." "Do you know who's at the top of my mom's gross sex list?" "Howie Mandel." "Wait, your mom has a gross sex list?" "Yeah, my whole family does." "We play this game, it is hysterical." "Who is the grossest person you still kind of want to have sex with?" "Oh, okay, well, mine would" "Mine would obviously-- It just, um, it can't be a cartoon." "Okay." "Well..." "Okay..." "Mmm..." "O.J." "Yeah, yeah." "Definitely O.J." "Oh, my God!" "Dude, in his day, he was a solid man." "Like, he was a 10." "Oh, he was gorgeous." "He was a 10." "No, no, no." "He was on the cover of magazines and stuff." "I'm just, like, floored by what a good answer that is and you've never played this before." "I have never even thought of a murderer." "Okay, how about you?" "Okay, my last one was, uh, David Blaine." "David Blaine?" "!" "That's so gross, but I feel like he cuts off his breathing so much he's gotta be uninhibited." "He would let me do anything." "Yeah, he would, like, pull out a tooth or something." "Anything you want to do to David Blaine he'll let you do." "I'd, like, penetrate him." "But my newest one is, um, the Six Flags guy." "He's like-- Right off the bus?" "Yeah, he's like..." "No way, he's like..." "Oh, my God, I can't believe you can do that in heels." "But, like, a lot faster." "He does that with his arms." "He's, like, so rubbery." "Hold up, though, dude." "We've got to go back to O.J."