"( theme song playing )" "Nectar of the gods." "( sniffs )" "Mmm." "Sheer ambrosia." "Mmm" " LeBeau, you've done it again." "Well, I'm glad somebody likes your cooking." "Would you like to taste this bouillabaisse?" "No, I don't want to spoil me lunch." "If I thought for one moment you were serious..." "Here." "No, I haven't been well." "Come on." "( sniffs )" "Hey, that smells like fish stew." "It's bouillabaisse à la Marseillaise." "Oh." "( chokes )" "( groans )" "Cor." "Well, it loses something in the translation, mate." "Oh, that's horrible." "I should have know better than to..." "What did you put in there, hair oil?" "What do you mean, what'd I put in there?" "You'd be locked up in the British Isles if you gave that to people." "Don't let the Germans get that, mate." "Thanks." "They'll win the war in six months." "Hold it, hold it!" "What seems to be the problem?" "I made the mistake of asking an Englishman to taste a gourmet dish." "It's not a gourmet dish;" "it's ruddy fish stew!" "That, from a man who thinks overcooked mutton is a taste treat." "How about a short truce till Newkirk sews up my torn sleeve?" "Just take a minute, sir." "Colonel, I want you to taste my bouillabaisse." "Don't go by me" " I'm a peanut butter and jelly man myself." "I trust your taste, Colonel." "All right." "Here." "Hot?" "Oh, yes, hot-- but delicious." "Actually, they didn't have exactly what I needed." "I always put in the head of an eel." "That would have made it for me." "Colonel, there's a message coming in from the underground." "Mm-hmm." "Qu'est-ce que c'est peanut putter?" "You peasant." "This is Papa Bear." "We read you loud and clear." "Go ahead." "( Morse code transmitting )" "Roger, Goldilocks." "We'll get back to you." "Oh, by the way, on your next air drop, we'll need some automatic weapons, explosives and radios." "( beeping )" "What?" "( beeping )" "Put it on Colonel Hogan's bill." "Over and out." "This is an expensive war." "What's the message?" ""Underground sending contact to Hammelburg." ""Will arrive Saturday." ""Information on mobile rocket launching factory." "Top priority."" "They're putting those things on wheels?" "Yeah, and once they roll out, they'll be tough to find." "Where's the rendezvous?" "The Hauserhof, room 606." "He's attending a wedding there." "A wedding?" "And his orders are to give the message only to Papa Bear." "Hey, it looks like you're going to be a wedding guest, Colonel." "It's not going to be easy." "The guests are going to be watched like a hawk." "You worried about getting by the Gestapo?" "No, the father of the bride." "He's the one paying for the wedding." "We got to figure some way I can crash that wedding." "Don't worry about it, sir." "I'm bound to come up with something brilliant the moment I put me mind to it." "Ever eaten bouillabaisse, Kinch?" "Of course, in New Orleans." "I love it." "Taste this." "Well, it's pretty good, LeBeau, but there's something missing." "But, of course-- the head of an eel." "They always put that in bouillabaisse." "You had to tell me that, huh?" "There we are, sir." "All finished." "Thanks, Newkirk." "Hey, that's a good job of sewing." "Well, thank you, sir." "Yeah." "That groom would be lucky to get you as a bride." "Hogan, I've got to talk to you, it's very important." "Go right ahead." "In your office-- it's personal." "Excuse me, fellas." "I think the commandant wants to surrender." "Well, what seems to be the problem, Commandant?" "I'm being trapped into a marriage." "Oh." "Little blonde waitress at the Haufbrau?" "No." "Tall brunette manicurist at the hotel?" "No." "Give me a hint." "She's short and squat." "Burkhalter's sister, Gertrude." "Right." "Congratulations, Commandant, you're getting a lot of woman there." "Please, Hogan, no jokes." "You're looking at a desperate man." "I need help." "A little late for that, isn't it?" "What'd you propose for in the first place?" "Who proposed?" "This morning, General Burkhalter sent an order, saying he was coming here with a wedding party, and I'm to make all the arrangements at the Hauserhof." "Hauserhof?" "Yes... the grand ballroom, the scene of some of my greatest triumphs." "Do you remember, Hogan, only last week, I told you about that dance?" "You mean the Stormtrooper Stomp?" "Ja, ja." "There I was, surrounded by beautiful women." "Twice I ran out of ink writing down phone numbers." "Hogan, you've got to help me." "I think marriage will be good for you, Commandant." "That is a terrible thing to say... even to an enemy." "It's about time you settle down." "Really, if you ever want to be general, you have to get rid of that playboy image." "Hogan, I guess I misjudged you." "I always thought of you as a romantic." "I'm also a realist." "Your luck has run out." "Try to back out of this marriage again," "Burkhalter'll send you to Russia like a shot." "Forget it." "I'll figure a way out of this myself." "I'd hate to see the playboy of the Western world wind up a colonel on the Eastern Front." "What was all that about then, sir?" "It's Klink that's getting married at the Hauserhof." "Wow!" "He doesn't seem very happy." "It's Burkhalter's sister again." "He's better off on the Russian Front." "Works out very nicely for us." "Now I'm sure I'll get an invitation to the wedding." "The way I look at it, we're not losing a camp commandant, we're gaining an underground agent." "Frau Hilda, any messages for me?" "Oh, General Burkhalter and the wedding party have arrived in Hammelburg." "They're here already?" "Well, General Burkhalter will be here any minute." "I'll be in my office." "Herr Kommandant, congratulations." "I just heard the good news." "Please, Schultz." "Oh, Herr Kommandant, you are going to get a wonderful girl." "I know, I know." "Ah, and she looks so healthy." "She seems to have such a wonderful appetite." "Yes, she does." "And she's also a very athletic woman." "I understand she got a lot of medals for shot put." "Dismissed." "Oh!" "Achtung!" "BURKHALTER:" "Colonel Klink." "General Burkhalter, congratulations on the marriage." "Thank you, Schultz." "Oh, I..." "I just noticed." "Oh, she's the spitting image of you, General Burkhalter." "Oh, you could be twins!" "Dismissed." "Have you started making the arrangements for the wedding, Klink?" "Yes, I have, sir." "But there is something I must discuss with you." "What is that?" "Well, I don't have to tell you how lucky a man would be to get Gertrude for a wife." "She's a wonderful woman-- jolly disposition... great shot-putter." "Get to the point." "Well, you see, sir, this is very difficult for me to say, but, uh, I feel in my heart that I am not worthy of Gertrude." "I feel the same way." "Then why do you want me to marry her?" "Are you crazy, Klink?" "It's my niece, Frieda, and she's marrying Count von Hertzel." "Count von Hertzel?" "Do you think I would ever let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?" "But I understand that Count von Hertzel is going to the Russian Front." "He has changed his mind." "I mean, uh, his orders have been changed." "Oh, this must indeed be a happy day for you, sir." "My congratulations." "Never mind." "I just want you to make the arrangements." "I assure you, sir, that everything will be taken care of." "Oh, sorry to break in on you, sir, but when my men heard the good news, they wanted me to congratulate you." "Thank you, Colonel." "Uh, Hogan, the news is even better than you think." "His niece, Frieda, is marrying Count von Hertzel." "Oh?" "And I want the best of everything." "Now, let me see..." "Klink.... how much wine do you have?" "( laughs nervously )" "What a pity." "My supply's so low, all I've got left is one small bottle of Mozel." "Say, what about that case of champagne" "I saw being delivered yesterday?" "Champagne?" "It slipped my mind." "Thank you for reminding me, Hogan." "What can we have in the way of hors d'oeuvres?" "I can offer you two cans of anchovies." "There's no sense dipping into those jars of caviar just for a wedding." "He's absolutely right." "I forgot I had all that caviar." "It's a good thing Colonel Hogan is here." "You seem to have lost your memory." "I assure you, General, nothing is too good for Frieda and Count von Hertzel." "Then you'll offer that side of prime beef you have in your private food locker, sir?" "Believe me, General, I was just about to do that for you." "Good." "Well, that takes care of the menu." "We will discuss the other details later." "Excuse me, General, but, uh, how's your niece fixed for a bridal gown?" "She said she will buy it at the department store in Hammelburg." "A bridal gown off the rack... with Yvette of Paris in town?" "Yvette of Paris?" "Mm-hmm." "The famous fashion designer?" "Where is she?" "In my barracks." "In your barracks?" "!" "Better known to all of us as Corporal Louis LeBeau." "I am Yvette of Paris?" "I sold Burkhalter on the idea that you're the great Parisian couturier, and you're going to create an exclusive wedding dress for his niece, who happens to weigh in at 210 pounds." "There's two things wrong with that, Colonel." "One, LeBeau doesn't know how to design a wedding gown, and two, there is not enough material in Germany to cover that bride." "Newkirk, you're going to make the wedding dress, and Burkhalter's going to supply the material." "That'll pave the way for you to contact the underground agent at the Hauserhof, right?" "Mm-hmm." "When can I meet the bride, Colonel?" "If I am going to design a dress," "I'd like to get her measurements." "We're going into town this afternoon." "Wait a minute." "What makes you think you can design the bridal gown?" "I'm French;" "it's in our blood." "LeBeau, you can't even sew a button on a shirt." "Neither can Coco Chanel." "Newkirk will do the sewing;" "I will do the creating." "Come on, we've got arrangements to make." "( muttering ):" "Oh, blimey..." "No, apres vous, my dear Yvette." "For the last time, LeBeau, I'm asking you, give me a hand with this stuff." "Please, Newkirk, Yvette is creating." "Creating?" "You're nothing but a lazy clod." "Ah-ah-ah, Newkirk." "That's not the way to talk to a lady." "Thank you, Schultz." "Fellas, Miss Burkhalter's room." "( knocking )" "GERTRUDE:" "Come in!" "Where's my sketch pad?" "Must have left it in the car." "Well, I can't work without my sketch pad." "You fellas go on in, I'll run back and get it." "Okay." "Come on, he's just going to get the sketch pad." "MAN:" "Come." "Hi." "Don't move." "Raise your hands and turn around slowly." "So, this is your underground contact." "( chuckles )" "I was just looking for the Burkhalter wedding party." "Boy, did I get the wrong room." "AGENT:" "For the last time, why were you trying to contact this man?" "I told you, I'm with the Burkhalter wedding party." "If you don't believe me, ask Sergeant Schultz, the guard that brought us from camp." "We'll talk to the guard." "Schultz!" "Schultz!" "Oh, here you are, Colonel Hogan." "This gentleman thinks I'm with the underground." "Will you tell him what I'm doing here?" "Colonel Hogan is here with Yvette of Paris." "They're making a wedding gown for the niece of General Burkhalter by order of General Burkhalter." "Thank you, Schultz." "This is all too upsetting." "I cannot create under these conditions." "I'll be back later." "Come, Newkirk." "But Yvette!" "Later!" "Colonel Hogan." "Please, Yvette, come back!" "Please, Yvette!" "General Burkhalter's going to be very unhappy with you." "Thank you." "If the Gestapo is holding that agent, how are we going to get the information on the rockets?" "That's Colonel Hogan's problem." "I'm just the flipping seamstress." "And not a very good one either." "Come on." "I'm sewing as fast as I can." "Hey, go easy on him." "Newkirk's not as young as he used to be." "With a ballplayer, it's his legs that go first." "With a seamstress, it's the fingers." "That looks good enough to me." "That's because you don't know what it takes to stop a seam from popping." "He's right." "Remember that old saying:" "A stitch in time saves nine." "There's another old saying:" "Who asked you?" "That's good enough for now." "I say it isn't!" "It's good enough to try it on the model." "We are ready for the fitting!" "If you are ready, I'm ready." "Here you are." "Try this on." "In the fitting room, please." "Aw, come on, we want to see how he looks." "I don't like anyone to see my creations until they have reached perfection." "Those dress designers-- they always seem peculiar." "Well, they get that way from pinning up all those hems." "Come on, Schultz, put your arms through." "There you are." "Here, stand on the stool, huh?" "Let's take a look at you." "Come on." "Come on, up you go." "That's it, don't be afraid." "You look like the great white whale." "You think I'm the same size as General Burkhalter's niece?" "Nah, not really." "I think this might be a bit loose on you." "Ah." "That is what I call haute couture." "It looks nice." "Nice?" "If Balenchia could see this, he would throw himself off the Eiffel Tower." "Hmm... you know," "I still say you've made that train too long." "It is not too long." "It would be a lot more stylish with a short train." "Not when it has to cover a big caboose." "Oh, LeBeau... you do such nice work." "Could you design a dress for my wife?" "Of course-- just bring me her measurements." "Take mine, and you've got hers." "You know, Schultz, if you ever get short of tanks, you can send your wife in." "Jolly joke." "Why is it every time I discard an eight, you always take it?" "Because I always save eights." "Where's LeBeau and Newkirk?" "They're in the fitting room with Schultz." "Oh." "Before we go back to the Hauserhof, we got to figure a way to spring that agent." "How about sending somebody in as one of the staff?" "Yeah, it's no good." "They got Gestapo dressed up as waiters, bellboys." "I even saw a chambermaid with five o'clock shadow." "Well, at least they didn't get Papa Bear." "They might, if we don't get the agent out." "We don't know if he's going to crack or not." "( humming "Here Comes the Bride" )" "Oh, my, what a lovely bride." "It's a shame she's already spoken for." "Hey, Schultz, don't cry." "You'll ruin the dress." "I always cry at a wedding." "How do you like the dress, Colonel?" "It's beautiful." "You did a great job." "Thank you." "General Burkhalter will be thrilled when he sees his niece in this dress." "Yeah, it's a pity the groom won't get the same thrill." "That's better than being sent to the Russian Front." "You can always desert in Russia." "Gentlemen!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were having a fitting, Fräulein Frieda." "Oh, Colonel Klink, it's me, Schultz." "Schultz, what are you doing wearing that wedding gown?" "I was using him as a model for the bride." "Uh, yes, sir, he has the same dimensions-- 48-44-46." "You're letting a great little girl get away, sir." "Hogan, I am trusting you to have that gown at the Hauserhof on time!" "Don't worry about a thing." "Good!" "SCHULTZ:" "Uh, Colonel Klink." "Oh, please, Colonel Klink!" "LeBEAU:" "Hey, wait a minute, Schultz." "Get out of the dress now." "I have to finish it." "Oh, come on." "Newkirk." "Yes, sir." "Can I see you a minute?" "Yes, sir." "About that dress..." "Don't blame me, Colonel." "That was Lebeau's idea about the train." "I thought a nice sash would be in much better taste." "No, the dress is fine." "What I want to know is, can you make another one just like it by tomorrow?" "Well, that's no problem for me, sir, but I'd better clear it with Yvette." "You know how they feel about copies." "All the guests talked about was the bridal gown." "Funny, I didn't hear anybody say one word about the dress." "I think it looked better on Schultz." "You can stop crying, Schultz." "They're already married." "It's not the wedding." "He's crying because he didn't get a piece of the wedding cake." "That and the drapes were the only things he didn't eat." "Jolly joker." "Where?" "Where's the cockroach?" "After what you ate?" "You're lucky we got in the elevator." "LeBeau's walking up." "( siren wailing )" "( women screaming )" "( women screaming )" "SCHULTZ:" "Follow me!" "Follow me, everybody!" "Follow me!" "Follow me, everybody!" "Everybody down in the basement!" "Please, don't stay calm-- everybody panic!" "Now, come on!" "Air Raid!" "Look out, everybody!" "Got him!" "( screaming continues )" "Okay?" "Perfect." "What is happening?" "Is it an air raid?" "Just a practice drill." "Oh." "You see, nothing to worry about." "Let's go back in there, huh?" "Never have I seen a more beautiful bride." "Ah..." "And I owe it all to you, Yvette." "Isn't he wond..." "Nonsense." "The dress is nothing unless a vision of loveliness such as... ( gasps )" "Good heavens, a seam has opened!" "We'll sew it up for you right away." "Don't you worry, Countess." "It'll only take a minute." "Search every room, Gustav." "He can't get away." "The building is surrounded." "How dare you burst into a lady's room without knocking!" "I'm terribly sorry." "Please forgive me." "My apologies, Fräulein." "Blimey." "Now, don't you have a little something for me?" "You are Papa Bear?" "No, but I'll see that he gets it." "I'll put it in his porridge." "All right." "I'll tell him you'll be right out." "Thank you, Colonel Hogan." "Yep." "Please hurry." "The count is waiting to take me on our honeymoon." "I'm sure he won't mind if you're a little late." "What do you mean?" "I mean, what are a few moments when you will have a lifetime of happiness together?" "Oh." "Did I hurt you, Countess?" "Oh, please hurry!" "I didn't mean to." "I will do as fast as I can." "Really, you're going to be so lovely." "Oh, Count von Hertzel, congratulations." "Thank you." "Looking for your lovely bride?" "Yes." "She had a little accident with her gown." "They're repairing it." "That is her room." "This is the sewing room." "She's ready." "Come along, my lovely." "Beautiful, beautiful." "NEWKIRK:" "Don't she look nice?" "HOGAN:" "Mm-hmm." "NEWKIRK:" "Good luck." "What can be taking them so long?" "Must be the false alarm air raid." "SCHULTZ:" "Oh, here they come!" "( crowd oohing and ahhing )" "I am so glad for Frieda." "Congratulations, General Burkhalter." "Thank you, Klink." "Did the happy couple get off all right, General?" "Yes, Hogan." "I have never seen your niece look so happy." "They make such a handsome couple." "Thank you." "Has anyone seen the count?" "SCHULTZ:" "He went that way." "Frieda!" "Wait for me!" "How could this have happened, Klink?" "There were more SS men at the Hauserhof than they have at the Reichstag." "It only proves again how incompetent the Gestapo is." "Colonel Hogan to see you, Herr Kommandant." "Send him in, please." "Any more news about the count?" "The hospital says his condition is the same." "He's still suffering from amnesia." "I cannot understand it." "Not a mark on his head, and he still can't remember getting married." "I'm sure Frieda will nurse him back to health." "There is nothing a man needs more than a good woman." "You're so right, Klink." "Maybe I will change my mind and let my sister marry you." "Gertrude?" "It just might make a good match." "I don't deserve such happiness." "If you are lucky enough to get Gertrude's hand, there's one thing you can count on, Commandant." "What's that?" "A gown by Yvette."