"Debra, what are all these women doing in my apartment?" "Gee, Amy, looks like they're here for a bridal shower." "Why would they be here for a bridal shower?" "I don't know." "Maybe it's because you're getting..." " Married!" " Married!" "I'm getting married!" " Thank you for throwing me this shower." " Oh." "You are the best matron of honor ever." "Let's not say "matron."" "Okay, everybody, who wants a pizza bagel?" "All right, pizza bagels!" "And I made prosciutto e melone." "All right, prosciutto e melone!" "Marie, I told you I was taking care of the food." "I know, dear." "Oh, save room, everyone." "I also have insalata caprese." "Oh, insalata caprese!" "Sorry." "Don't eat that." "Have one of these." "Marie, you know, I've been planning this shower for weeks." "I'm the matron-- l'm the shower thrower." "Of course, dear, but it's only natural for me to want my new daughter-in-law to have the finest Italian appetizers." "I've got it covered, okay?" "Oh." "Oh, I know what's bothering you." "Don't worry." "I'll always have plenty of time for my old daughter-in-law." "Hey, Mom." "So you're having a good time, huh?" "Oh, yes." "It's a wonderful shower." "It looks like the wedding is really going forward." "Yes, Mom, it is." "Good." "Oh, let me help you with the champagne." "I'm fine, thanks, Marie." "Well, I'll just pass out the glasses." "That's okay, thanks." "I just want to help because I'm sensing a lull." "There's no lull." "Listen." "Lull." "Well, don't worry, 'cause I'm gonna do my toast." "Oh." "Maybe there might be a lull after that." "Oh, I know-- bridal bingo." "No, that's for later, Marie." "Well, I'll just help get them ready." " Marie, I said no." " Ooh!" "I'm so sorry." "Are you okay?" "I'm okay. I'm okay." "Still getting married." "You take care of Amy and I'll take care of the lull." " Are you not getting it, Marie?" " l'm just trying to help." "I don't need your help." "I know you think I can't survive without you, but I can." "I don't need you!" "Excuse me, everyone." "I just would like to say my goodbyes." "Don't go, Marie." "Oh, that's all right." "It was wonderful seeing you again." "And, Amy, I love you." "Have a wonderful party." "Good night, everyone." "Amy, welcome to the family." "Lots of luck." "Ray, where are you?" "Pick up." "Ray?" "Okay, I think I had a little too much to drink because of your mother." "And Amy's driving her mom back to Pennsylvania, so you gotta come and get me." "So as soon as you pick up this message, call me on my "phell sone"-- cell phone." "Shut up." "Huh?" "Are you all right, ma'am?" "Oh, yeah, everything's fine." "I just had a little too much to drink." "Deb, phone." "Hello?" "Hey, Deb." "Wait wait." "Where are you?" "Jail?" "!" "You are not." "Seriously, where are you?" "Oh my God!" "Well, what'd you do?" "Okay, all right, okay, all right, I'll be right there." "Wait wait, Deb." "I couldn't find my brown belt today." "Do you know where it is?" "Ray, just get down here!" "All right, I'm coming." "My husband is coming to pick me up," " so I can just wait out front." " Get in." "But I wasn't driving the car." "How could it be a dui if there's no "D"?" "In." "All right, fine fine." "But when the truth comes out, this is going to be so embarrassing... for you." "Oh, fine fine." "You know what?" "I don't care." "I've got three kids at home." "I'm just happy to be out of the house." "Hello." "So, this is jail, huh?" "Yeah, well, you know, not too bad." "Nice folks." "A place to lie down." "Toilet right in the middle of the room." "is my husband here yet?" "!" "Hello." "Can I have a tissue?" "Come on, I just want a tissue!" "What kind of a place is this?" "!" "Fine!" "I'm an animal now!" "Are you happy?" "I don't want to go in there." "Oh, thank God you're here!" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I guess so." "So..." " how was Amy's shower?" " Just" "Get me out of here." "Were you really driving drunk?" "I was not driving drunk." "I had a few drinks and I fell asleep." "Some law says if the key is in the ignition and you're behind the wheel, it doesn't matter if you're going or not-- they just take you to jail." "And where the hell were you?" "I called you from the car." "I took the kids to get pizza and then we started playing Pac-Man." "They wouldn't let me leave until I got the highest score." "And I did." "I beat them by a lot." "I left you a message." "Why didn't you check the messages?" "Because they're always for you." "From now on, check the messages!" "Okay okay." "Now that I know you could be in jail, I will." "You know whose fault this really is?" "Your mother's." "She made me so mad at that shower, I started drinking, and here I am!" "Oh my God, she is so-- listen, she can never know about this." "Oh my God!" "You told her I was in jail?" "A little." "What is wrong with you?" "!" "Guard!" " Just get me out of here." " All right." "Relax, I'll take care of it." "Oh, and, Debra, I want you to know that while you were in here, I never thought of anyone else." "I'll put in a couple more hours and then I'll punch out." "Hey, Ray." "Hey, Deb." "Debra?" "Hi, Robert." "Oh my God." "She finally killed Mom." "Oh, thank God!" "Are you all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine, Marie." "I'm just a little tired." "Oh, I just want you to know that in this family, whatever our differences, we stand together... no matter what you've done, no matter how much shame you've brought upon us." "What did you do?" "You know, nothing." "It was just a minor traffic..." "misunderstanding." " Thank God." " Yeah." "What did she do?" "Nothing." "She took a nap in the car, that's all." "I don't understand." "Why would they arrest her for that?" "Were you naked?" "No, I was not naked." "I just took a little nap because I didn't want to drive." "Why not?" "Because I had a little too much champagne." "Drunken driving!" "Oh my God!" "Drunken driving!" "Oh, this is so awful!" "Now it all makes sense." "The messy house, the kids running around filthy, the way she talks to me." "It's all clear now." "Deb-- oh!" "Hello, everybody." "I was just in the neighborhood, saw the lights on, thought I'd come by and say hi-dee-ho." "Hi-dee-ho, everybody." "By the way, Debra, everything is copacetic vis-à-vis the situation we discussed earlier." "Yeah, you're real smooth." "We all know she was in the slammer." "Ma knows?" "Yeah, but she took it well." "Hey, look, don't worry, Deb." "I spoke with the arresting officer." "Because of the circumstances, he's not going to pursue the criminal charges." "Oh, Robert, that's great." "Thank you." "Wait a minute, Robert." "They're dropping the charges?" "is that wise?" "I mean, how else is she gonna learn?" "Well, we're not out of the woods yet." "She still has to go to the hearing at the DMV." "What's that about?" "To determine when she gets her license back." "Back?" "You mean I don't have a license?" " Of course not!" " Ma!" "You mean I can't drive until the hearing?" "When is that?" " Next month." " Oh no." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "What-what-what about the errands and the kids and all their crap?" "Oh no!" "Why does this happen to me?" "I'll figure something out, Ray." "How?" "By the way, I'm going on the road with the Mets." "Somebody's gotta drive you and the kids around." "I'll do it." "She can tell me about the Big House." "We don't like you driving the children, Dad." "Why, because I tell it like it is?" "Well-well, how about you, Ma?" "Of course I'll drive Debra... if she needs me." "Will Debra say she needs me?" "Thank you, Marie." "It's a very generous offer." "And?" "And I accept because I... need you." "Happy to do it." "Good night." "Oh, that's it, dear." "Go sleep it off." "Boys, you gotta help me." "I'm gonna make this a dry house." "Now, we don't need this in here." "Ma!" "Please, Ma, will you relax?" "She's not an alcoholic." "You don't have to lie for her anymore, Raymond." "Robbie, go upstairs before she gets to the cough syrup." "Okay, how do I look?" "is my hair okay?" "You look fine." "Relax." "Although maybe you could've sexed it up a bit." "You're a big help." "I have got to get my license back." "If I spend one more day in the car with your mother, it's gonna be in the garage with the door closed." "Good afternoon. I'm Mr. Rodell, the hearing officer." "This is Ms. Alvarez." "I believe you've met Officer Keon." "Yes, hello, nice to see you again." "You, sit there." "You, back there." "You all right?" "Yeah, he seems nice." "Undo a couple buttons." "We're here, we're here." "Did it start yet?" "Marie, what are you doing here?" "I wouldn't miss this for the world." "Mom, Dad, sit in the back row." "But I'm the mother-in-law." "It's not a wedding, Ma." "Back here." "You're getting married in May, aren't you, Barone?" "Uh, yeah, I know." "I know, Keon." "See, I was gonna invite you, but if I invite you, then I have to invite everyone in the K-9 unit." "And then what am I gonna do with the bomb squad?" "It's all right, man." "I'm just busting your chops." " All right, I've read" " You will speak up, won't you?" "I've read the report-- operating a vehicle under the influence." "Excuse me, sir. ls that what it says-- "operating a vehicle"?" "Because that's not true." "I wasn't operating a vehicle." "I operated parts of the vehicle-- the radio and the seat-  but then I fell asleep." " You passed out." "Oh no no, I didn't pass out. i took a nap." "In fact, I can prove it because my hands were like this." "And you don't do that when you pass out." "When you pass out, you're more like... I even reclined the seat." "That should be in the report because that clearly shows... intent to nap." "Sir, weren't my hands like this?" "She should've lawyered up." "You didn't brush your teeth today, did you?" "Do you make a habit of drinking, getting behind the wheel of a car, putting the key in the ignition, and then taking a nap?" "Oh no no." "That's not a habit of mine." "There was just no one I could call for a ride home." "There are cabs, Mrs. Barone." "Yes, and that would have been a good idea, but, you see, I couldn't call one because, well, my mother-in-law lives across the street, and she would have seen the cab, and then I never would have heard the end of it." "Mrs. Barone, this is not about your mother-in-law." " Yes, but I'm just trying to show you-- - this is about your license." "You're right." "You're right." "It was my responsibility, and I screwed up." "Debra." " Debra." " What?" " Do you need my help?" " God, no!" "Sir, we have her drinking completely under control now." "Ray!" "Open your shirt." "Mrs. Barone-- this is exactly what she did at the shower!" "This is what she always does!" "She just has to run my life." "That's why I yelled at her at the shower, that's why I couldn't call her for a ride home, and that's why I am here, sir." "Yes, I had a few drinks." "I should be drunk every day!" "But I'm not, because I do not have a drinking problem, sir." "What I have is a mother-in-law problem!" "Sir, she's right." "I was wrong." "That's all right, ma'am." "No no no." "It's my fault and I want to accept complete responsibility." "Well, you can't, but thanks." "I just wanted Amy's shower to be special." "That's why I made all those appetizers, like the caprese and the stuffed mushrooms." "Did you get any of those?" "Excuse me, I have a full schedule." "This is important." "I know I took over a little too much, but I didn't know what my place was at that bridal shower." "It's okay, Marie." "No, it's not okay." "It was your party." "I should have just stepped aside and let you serve your frozen whatevers." "I'm sorry." "Thanks, Marie." "You getting all this?" "I'm sorry, sir." "No no, I think she might have helped." "I now fully understand your extenuating circumstances, which has no bearing on the case, but I do believe that you did have... intent to nap." "I'm returning your license, subject to a year's probation." "Goodbye, everybody, and good luck to whoever's marrying into this." "Thank you." "Thank you!" "Oh, wasn't that something?" "Yes, it was." "You really do need me." "Debra, that was a very good meal." "My pleasure, Marie." "And your mousse is fantastic." "You know, the moose is actually a very vicious animal." "But it's not the antlers you gotta watch out for." "They use their gas." "You and a moose would be a good fight." "Really, Ma, this is scrumptious." "Rich." "That's because I use real Valrhona chocolate, and I even added some brandy." "No!"