"Hey, buddy." "Hey, Dad." "Long time no talk." "I was starting to think maybe you weren't a part of this family anymore." "What?" "I'm not that easy to get rid of." "Just been really busy lately, you know, spending a lot of time with my girlfriend." "Oh, please, tell me it's not the 35-year-old single mother with the two kids." "No, Tammy's 36, and she has three kids." "Jake, she's almost twice your age." "No, she's not;" "I'm 19." "Geez, do the math." "How well do you even know this woman?" "Enough to know that I love her." "Jake, slow down." "I'm just not sure that you know what you're getting into." "You always do this." "You think every decision I make is wrong." "You're wrong about that." "You've already made up your mind about Tammy, and you don't even know her." "Let me ask you this question." "If you've never tasted a strawberry ice cream cone in your life, how do you know what it tastes like?" "What?" "My point is, you've never licked Tammy." "I don't know how to respond to that." "Yeah, you don't." "She's delicious." "Fine, why don't you bring her up here so I can meet her." "Okay, I will." "Good." "I've got leave next weekend." "You know where I live." "Yeah, someone else's house." "He's a dull blade, but he cuts deep." "d Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men d d Men, men, manly men, men, men d d Ooh d Men, men, men, manly men d d Ooh" "d Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... d d Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men d d Ooh d Men, men, men, manly men, men, men d d Ah." "d Men." "d Two and a Half Men 10x15 d Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It Original Air Date on February 7, 2013" "== sync, corrected by elderman ==" "Well, I've got Jake's room all ready for this weekend." "You know, just out of curiosity, when are we going to stop calling it "Jake's room"?" "'Cause I'd really like it to be referred to as" ""Walden's gym" or "Walden's home theater,"" "or "Walden's room to do whatever the hell he wants with it."" "Look, I don't mean to split hairs, but a room can't really be both a gym and a home theater." "That's why I also need "Alan's room."" "Touché." "Truthé." "Will you stop futzing with my desk?" "!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just..." "I'm nervous about meeting Jake's girlfriend." "I mean, he's obsessed with this woman." "It's like he's been brainwashed by some cult." "What guy hasn't?" "I'm sorry, you said "cult."" "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" "Yep, I got to get something out of you living here." "You don't pay rent." "Listen, I think you're getting all worked up over nothing." "Nothing?" "She's 36 years old." "So?" "I'm 34." "Yeah, and I don't want you dating my son, either." "Ouch." "That's probably them." "It can't be." "Jake wouldn't ring the bell." "Um, h-hello?" "Hey, Dad." "Uh, this is my girlfriend, Tammy." "Uh, Tammy, this is my dad, Alan." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "Likewise." "Come in." "Wow!" "Yeah, it would take the jaws of life to get me out of this house." "Look, you already have something in common." "I'm, uh, Walden Schmidt." "Good God, you're prettier than I am." "That's quite the grip." "Yeah." "I milked cows when I was a kid." "Then I discovered boys." "I'm just kidding." "Not really." "This really is an amazing house though." "Thank you." "Be much nicer with a home theater." "But, uh, I've been very fortunate." "Yeah, so I've heard." "Jake tells me you're stupid rich." "He tells me you're very resourceful." "I'll take that as a compliment." "Please, make yourselves at home." "Have a seat." "Is there anything I can get you to eat or drink?" "Oh, I'd love a drink, but it would set off my ankle bracelet." "Not really." "I got that sucker off a week ago." "You hear that, Walden?" "She just got her ankle bracelet off." "I don't see how this could get any better." "Oh, oh, oh!" "It just got better!" "Well..." "look at you." "Uh, now, where would a skull be going that he would even need a top hat?" "Oh, he might be going to visit Yosemite Sam." "Mm." "Yeah, they're kind of my business cards." "I own a tattoo parlor." "Oh, did you hear that, Walden?" "She owns a tattoo parlor." "That sounds fun." "Yeah, it's called Tammy's Tatties." "It makes guys think of boobs." "Thank you." "Speaking of which, in case you forget, my name's written right here." "Nice." "What's the other one called?" "I like you." "I like you, too." "Everybody likes everybody." "So, so, so, how'd you two meet?" "Oh, Jake came into my shop." "Tammy's Tatties." "Exactly." "See, once you get it in your head, you can't get it out." "No, you cannot." "Yeah, a couple of us guys from the base went out drinking, and they bet me 100 bucks that I wouldn't get this tattoo of two arms coming out of my butt crack." "Like, you know, someone was trying to escape." "Oh, Jake, you didn't." "No, Tammy wouldn't let me." "Damn right." "Thank you for that." "I took one look at his ass and I thought, I don't want to tattoo that," "I want to bite that." "Chomp." "d Men. d" "Hey, what's going on?" "Jake made pizza bagels." "I make them for Tammy's kids all the time." "Is it breakfast?" "Is it lunch?" "Is it pizza?" "Is it a bagel?" "I'll tell you what it is, it's delightful." "So, uh, how does that work exactly?" "Is, uh, Tammy's ex in the picture?" "He's in some." "And in some, his head's been torn off." "But was I right or what?" "Isn't Tammy awesome?" "She seems great, but still, you have to acknowledge that this is an unusual relationship." "I mean, she's old enough to have you as her kid." "So what?" "You are, too." "He's got a point." "Doesn't make any sense, but it's a point." "I just want to be sure you know what you're doing." "That's the beauty of it." "When I don't know what I'm doing, she shows me." "Two-zero, Jake." "Face it, Dad, I'm not a kid anymore." "Oh, baby, you got a milk moustache." "You ready to go?" "Yep." "Where you guys heading?" "Oh, we're gonna do a little shopping, pick up some souvenirs for my kids and pick up a new nipple gun." "N-Nipple gun?" "Yeah, for piercing." "You give me a body part, I can paint it, pierce it or plug it." "I really like her." "Good, 'cause I want to pick your brain, Mr. Moneybags." "Go ahead." "Well, I'm looking for a stable investment for my pension plan." "Do you think Google's business model is sustainable over a 20-year period?" "Tell you what, while you're out, I'll Google it." "You're funny." "Come on, babe." "All right." "See you, guys." "This makes no sense." "What are you talking about?" "She's beautiful, she's cool, she's smart." "Exactly." "What the hell's she doing with Jake?" "Besides doing him?" "You're not helping." "I'm not trying to." "d Men. d" "Wow." "You ever get tired of this view?" "I do not." "I've worked hard for it." "Good one." "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure." "What do you hate about me the most?" "No, I don't, I don't hate anything about you." "Oh, please." "I've been in your shoes." "My 17-year-old daughter brought home a 32-year-old guy, and I chased that son of a bitch right out of the house with a gun." "Oh, my God." "Well, it was a nipple gun." "Which explains why I needed a new one, and also why I was wearing an ankle bracelet." "The point is, I get what people think about me." "And they're only looking at the surface." "Well, there's a lot to look at." "Look, here's all you need to know about me." "I'm raising three kids by myself," "I run a successful business, and I own a three-bedroom house that's not on wheels." "So, anybody who judges me can kiss my ass right on my tattoo of Brad Paisley." "I-I'm not judging you." "I just, I-I don't understand why you're with Jake." "I'm with him because I care about him." "I mean, he's sweet and kind and funny." "And I don't when the last time you had sex with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a lot of fun." "Then eight minutes later, it's a lot of fun again." "Um, I'll-I'll take your word for it." "Alan, has anybody ever looked at you like you were the greatest thing on the planet?" "Do strippers count?" "No." "Then no." "Well, that's the way Jake looks at me." "He thinks I can do no wrong, and he worships the ground I walk on." "Uh, to be fair, for a while, he worshipped Twinkies." "Yeah, yeah, he still does." "But don't worry, I don't let him have sugar past 9:00." "Mm." "The bottom line is, I think your son is terrific." "And I know what we have isn't gonna last forever, but it's what I want in my life right now." "I'm really sorry if you don't approve." "Well, you have to understand," "Jake is still my... baby." "I hear you." "It's exactly what I told the judge when he wanted to try my oldest son as an adult." "They're always your babies." "d Men. d" "Hey." "Hey." "You busy?" "I'm thinking about getting a tattoo." "How about this?" "It's just a bunch of ones and zeroes." "Yeah, it's my favorite Gandhi quote in binary code." ""You can never imprison my mind""" "Why don't you just get one that says," ""I'm a nerd, don't sleep with me"?" "Did you want something?" "Yeah, I was wondering if you know why my dad's being such a jerk." "Oh, dads worry." "That's their job." "I'm practically a dad, and I don't act like that toward my children." "That's because you respect your elders." "Look, your dad just doesn't want to see you get hurt." "How am I gonna get hurt?" "Are you kidding me?" "Have you never seen a movie or heard a song or read a poem?" "Uh, yes, yes and no." "Okay, listen, I think your dad just needs a little time to get used to the idea of you and Tammy being together." "Yeah, well, he'd better hurry, 'cause tomorrow we're gonna go to Vegas and get married." "That should be plenty of time." "Oh, you can't be serious." "Are-are you really getting married?" "Yeah, I mean, assuming Tammy says yes." "Oh, okay, you haven't thought this through at all." "No, I totally have." "I've even started on our vows." "Here." ""I can't wait to start our life together," ""I like it when you dress in leather." ""I'll love you forever and a day, you make me glad I'm not gay."" "And you said you've never read poetry." "All right, here, listen." "You're too young to get married." "You got married at my age." "Yeah, and look what happened." "I lost my wife and half my money, and the only thing I gained was your father." "I'm not going to argue about this with you." "Just don't say anything to my dad, all right?" "You can't do this to me." "I hate keeping secrets." "Don't worry, I'll tell him when the time is right." "When, after you get married?" "That's a good idea." "No." "No, you-you need to tell him before." "That's not going to happen, and you're not going to tell him either." "Okay, look, your dad is my best friend, and you're putting me in a very difficult position." "Hey, Tammy put me in a difficult position the other night, too, and it worked out great." "Hey, why don't you just tell your father?" "'Cause he'll just say it's a bad idea." "You know why?" "'Cause it's a bad idea!" "Jake, get back here!" "Do not do this to me!" "I just want a home theater." "d Men. d" "Hey, dinner's almost ready." "I'm gonna pass." "What?" "You can't." "Jake's making gnocchi." "He's into cooking things he can't spell." "What's for dessert-- cake?" "Pie." "Come on, join us." "No, no, it's-it's a family thing." "I don't want to..." "get in the middle of it." "Oh, oh, there's, there's nothing to get in the middle of." "I, uh, I had a nice conversation with Tammy, and she knows this thing with Jake isn't serious." "Does Jake know that?" "Well, I assume he does." "Why, did he say something to you?" "Did... he say something?" "Why would he say something to me?" "I..." "Let's go eat." "I-I thought you didn't want to eat." "I changed my mind, just like you did." "You didn't like Tammy, now you do." "Who knows what's going to happen next?" "Not me." "Oh." "Quarters." "He's a billionaire, he's not going to miss it." "d Men. d" "Jake, this gnocchi is amazing." "Yeah, I like to make it 'cause it sounds like "nookie."" "Get it?" "I do." "Not as much as I do." "So, uh, Tammy, where did you learn the art of tattooing?" "Prison." "I'm kidding." "Juvie." "Kidding?" "Nope." "Jakey, you haven't even touched your asparagus." "I don't like asparagus." "Then, why'd you make it?" "'Cause you like it." "Don't try to butter me up, young man." "Eat your vegetables." "I don't wanna." "Jake, listen to your mo arvelous girlfriend." "Look, just take a few tiny bites." "Do I have to?" "It's delicious." "Yeah, it really is." "Did you know that the asparagus plant, uh, dates back to ancient..." "Jake's taking Tammy to Vegas to get married!" "...Rome." "What the hell, dude?" "I told you, I'm not good with secrets." "Baby, you want to get married?" "Uh, no, no, no, he doesn't." "Yes, he does." "I can't wait for our life together," "I like it when you dress in le..." "No-Nobody's getting married." "We are, 'cause we love each other, right?" "Damn right we do." "I thought you were just using him for his body!" "You said that?" "You're so sweet." "N-N-N-No!" "I am not going to let you throw your life away like this!" "Wait, which one of us are you talking to?" "My son, the idiot." "Oh, so, because he wants to marry me, he's an idiot?" "Uh, to be fair, he was an idiot long before he met you." "I don't need you to defend me." "Come on, Tammy, let's get out of here." "Oh, Jake, you can't possibly be this stupid." "You know, it doesn't matter what you think of me." "But why the hell do you have such a low opinion of your son?" "Because I know him!" "Could be worse." "He could be one of those showbiz kids who goes off the rails." "All right, there's a 24-hour chapel in Vegas." "If we hurry, we can get there before it closes." "Yeah, I don't think we should go to Vegas." "Why not?" "A wedding's supposed to be about bringing a family together, not breaking it apart." "Hang on a sec." "You were just as mad at my dad as I was, and now you're on his side?" "I'm not choosing sides." "Your dad's a tool with a bad haircut." "But I'm just saying, if we were to get married," "I would want the whole family there-- my kids, your dad, the guy your dad sponges off of." "Yeah, well, I don't want him there." "You know, Jake, you're lucky you have a dad." "When I was five, mine went out for a sandwich and never came back." "What kind of sandwich?" "What?" "Sorry, we left in the middle of dinner." "I'm still kind of hungry." "Look, the point is, I don't want to be the cause of an estrangement between you and your father." "Don't worry, my dad was pretty estrange before he met you." "Okay, look, let's approach this from a different angle." "Sit." "I think, before we do anything else, you need to make things right with your dad." "I think he needs to make things right with me." "It doesn't matter who takes the first step." "Jake, he loves you, and that's not something you can just throw away." "But you're more important to me than he is." "Thank you." "But family is the most important thing in the world." "That's why I make sure my kids get to see their dad, even if he is behind Plexiglas, wearing an orange jumpsuit." "I can't believe I'm not going to be there to see my only son get married." "Well, if it makes you feel any better," "I'm pretty sure you'll have many more opportunities." "I got married in Vegas, and divorced in Reno." "Hell of a weekend." "Dad, I got to talk to you." "Yeah, yeah, I-I need to talk to you, too." "Um, I want to tell you both that I'm sorry, um, that... if marrying Tammy is the right thing for you... you have my love and support." "We're not getting married." "Oh, thank God!" "Jake..." "I'm also sorry." "You're dead to me." "And your room's a home theater." "W-What made you change your mind?" "I just decided that I don't want to get married unless you're going to be the one to walk me down the aisle." "A-Actually the dad walks the, uh..." "Let it go." "Right." "I just" " I want you to be happy." "Thanks, and, you know, someday we are going to get married, maybe get a dog or a leopard, have a couple kids of our own-- maybe more than a couple, maybe, like, two or three." "You're going to need a bigger house." "d Men. d" "d Men. d" "You know, this place could really use a home gym." "That's a good idea." "Where could we put it?" "I've been, uh, thinking about names for when Tammy and I have our first kid." "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" "Yep." "Although I-I am a little worried about a third generation of freeloaders living here." "If it's a boy, what do you think about Walden Harper?" "I like it." "No." "All right, then, I guess it's down to either" "Alan or Xiang Xao." "Xiang Xao?" "Yeah, I got to be ready, Dad." "They say one out of every three babies born is Chinese." "I love it." "== sync, corrected by elderman =="