"you know the problem with this country is?" "Everyone has a freakin' dream." "And it's only in America." "I mean, have you ever heard of "the Canadian Dream"?" "No." "And there's no such thing as "the Mexican Dream"" "other than to sneak across the border to have "the American Dream."" "As much as I hate dreams, yeah, I can't help it, you know?" "I still have hopes and dreams for my own kids." "Mainly that they'll sneak across the border into Mexico and leave me the hell alone." "Hey, guys." "What's going on?" "Hey, think fast!" "It's an oldie but a goodie." "What are you guys doing?" "What's going on?" "Just making buttons for my campaign." "Wow, you're, uh, you're running for president, Larry?" "That's... that's great, Larry." "I'm proud of you." "Say what you want about that guy in the White House, but he made people believe that anyone-- and I mean anyone-- could be president." "Hey, sweetie, how you doing?" "Hey, babe." "Hey." "Think fast!" "I'm two for two." "I'm two for two." "How was basketball?" "It was great-- I totally abused my friend Bill to the point where I almost made him cry." "Ah." "Well, better him than me." "Hey, uh, do you know that, uh, Larry's running for class president? He could win." "He could." "Honey..." "Larry couldn't win a school election if he was home-schooled." "You know, it's cute and funny when I dump on him and tease him, but when you do it, it's... it's just mean." "Yeah, well, at least one of our kids is thinking about their future." "Hillary still hasn't even touched those college applications." "Oh, which reminds me, I ran into Grace Chan, and she told me that Tina got accepted into a six-year combined med school program." "Why can't Hillary be more like her?" "In all fairness, Tina Chan is Chinese." "You know, maybe she's just more focused because, you know, she knows what she wants to do, you know, she has a dream to shoot for." "Maybe she just has better parents." "Yes." "But in all fairness, they, too, are Chinese." "So look, we're thinking that if you started looking at college as more of a stepping stone to something you really wanted, you know, you'd get more excited about it." "Yeah, this book lists hundreds of career ideas from "A" to "Z."" "Let's just flip through it and see what strikes you." "Ah." "Accountant." "Yech." "All right." "Hey, architect." "Please." "What about a pediatrician?" "You love kids." "Not throwing up on me." "How about zoologist?" "How about you put a bullet in my head?" "How about you hand me a gun and hold still?" "Come on, there's got to be one career in this book that you could get excited about." "Come on, what's wrong with you?" "I don't know." "What is wrong with me?" "I have no interests, no future, nothing to look forward to." "Oh, my God." "Wow, we're good." "I mean, she went from being unfocused to being unfocused and depressed." "Let's see the Chans do that." "I don't know what she's depressed about." "My lousy-ass job isn't even in the book." "Oh, my God." "This sounds like it could be a problem." "Maybe if I just tiptoe out before she notices..." "Dave." "Look at this." "Is there a problem?" "Yeah." "It's a condom wrapper." "It was in Mike's jeans." "He's only 14-- he's too young to be having sex!" "All right, slow down." "Okay, just 'cause it was in his pocket doesn't mean he's having sex." "It's empty." "I mean, how are we gonna handle this?" "What are we gonna say to him?" "I'm thinking, uh, "Give me five, little pimp."" "Stop it!" "This calls for a very serious discussion." "I mean, he's not emotionally ready for sex." "I mean, you're barely emotionally ready for sex." "What the hell do emotions have to do with sex?" "Hey, hey." "How's the, uh... how's the campaign going?" "Great." "Larry's a born winner." "He's got a great platform he's an effective communicator." "And he's got dimples for miles!" "Well, with any luck, we're looking at the future president." "And his First Lady." ""Make the right move-- vote for Larry."" ""Don't get rooked" "I'm your knight in shining armor."" "Don't you guys think you're leaning a little too hard on the chess references?" "How do you figure?" "Well, in order to be president, you need to appeal to everyone, you know, not just to chess geeks." "You know?" "You got to appeal to the jocks, the skanks, the burn-outs... the skanky burn-outs... the jocky skanks." "You know, the normal kids." "Dad, I-I'm not running for class president." "I'm running for president of the chess club." "Oh." "Well, then these signs are even better than I thought they were." "The chess club?" "Why doesn't he just run for president of the "I Will Never Touch a Girl's Chest" club." "Why are you so concerned about what people think of Larry?" "He doesn't seem to care." "I know." "That's why I'm concerned about him." "I mean, somebody has to look out for this kid." "* Since you been gone *" "* I can breathe for the first time *" "* I'm so movin' on *" "* Yeah, yeah!" "*" "What the hell are you so happy about?" "Okay..." "I thought about what you guys said, and it got me thinking, and I know exactly what I want to be." "That's great, sweetie." "What is it?" "A professional singer." "A what, now?" "Sweetie, that's a very interesting idea, but singing is a very difficult and competitive field." "Yeah, I know that, Mom." "That's why I'm not gonna bank my entire future on it." "I need something to fall back on." "Great." "Now, what's that gonna be?" "I'm also gonna do endorsements." "I'm gonna have my own fragrance and everything, like J-Lo." "I'm thinking of myself as a brand." "A brand." "Aha." "HILLARY:" "But the best part is," "I don't even have to go to college." "Excuse me?" "Yeah." "Thank you guys so much for helping me figure this out." "Anyway," "I'm gonna go work on my scent." "Scent, huh?" "What the hell's her scent gonna smell like?" "Tone Deaf." "Tone Deaf." "Tone Deaf." "Tone Deaf, from the Hillary Collection." "It smells as bad as she sounds." "She thinks that she's gonna be a singer and not go to college?" "What is she, nuts?" "Apparently." "You hear that singing?" "Yeah, she has a better chance of finding Osama bin Laden than she does finding the right key." "You know what,maybe this is our fault." "Our fault?" "Yeah." "We spent years trying to make the kids feel good about themselves, telling them they could be anything they want when they grow up." "At what point to you start being realistic with them?" "Right now." "Let's go tell her she sucks." "Dave." "We can't do that." "If we go up there and tell her her dream is ridiculous, she'll hate us." "I don't care, okay?" "She's going to college." "Okay, so for her own good, I'm gonna go upstairs right now, and I'm gonna crush that dream, okay?" "I'm gonna snap its little neck." "Then I'm gonna stomp on it." "Then I'm gonna ground it into the dirt like a little bug, you see?" "Then I'm gonna scrape it off the bottom of my shoe, and I'm gonna flick it at her." "Or... we could be caring, loving parents and pretend to support her on this, and let the rest of the world rip her heart out." "If you want to take all the fun out of it." "Hey." "Big Mike!" "What the deal, playa boy?" "Stop it!" "Come on, right now, let's talk to him about that condom." "I-I cannot in all good conscience, you know, partake in that conversation." "I mean, I don't know much, Vicky, but I do know this-- 14-year-old boys want to have sex, and you can't stop 'em, all right?" "That'd be like telling 'em not to eat, not to drink, not to breathe." "You done?" "Yeah, let's go take care of it." "Oh, my God, why are we talking about sex?" "Honey, would you feel more comfortable if I left?" "Yes." "And take him with you." "Sweetie, there's nothing to feel weird about." "Sex is..." "I-It's perfectly..." "It's your turn." "(clears throat):" "Look... your mother, uh... your mother found an empty condom wrapper in your, uh, in your pocket, and we just wanted to know if, uh, you, uh... planted your flag on Mount Hottie." "What?" "No, okay?" "I didn't use the condom." "Then what were you doing with it?" "Jeff Allen brought a pack to school." "What was I supposed to say, Mom?" ""No, thanks, I have no use for that." "I'm a virgin." "Spread the word."" "Oh, good, good." "Then you're still... good." "Honey, I don't want you to feel any peer pressure to do anything you're not ready to do." "You should wait." "Yeah, yeah,you know, don't wait too long, you know?" "Use or lose it." "Hey, what's up, guys?" "How's the election going?" "You think you got any chance of winning?" "Dear God, please, please let him say no." "Please." "It'd be hard not to-- I'm running unopposed." "Why do you hate me?" "If, uh, i-if you're running unopposed, wh-what are you going through all this for?" "Well, how often do you get to work with glitter?" "I'll be right back;" "I gotta go get the rainbow confetti." "Wha-What are you doing?" "I'm walking like a knight moves on a chessboard." "Kenny thought I should do this once I win the election, you know, to raise the profile of the chess club." "Plus it's fun." "So..." "Larry's running unopposed, huh?" "With so many other qualified candidates." "Like you, for instance." "He wanted to run, so I let him." "I really appreciate it." "You know, I know it must be hard sitting back being the pawn while Larry's the king." "Especially since you're the one who taught him how to play, right?" "Hadn't thought of that." "Mm." "And from what I've seen, it's obvious you're a much better player." "Much better." "Chip?" "I have won 68 of the last 74 games, and three of the ones I lost, I was on cough syrup." "Anyway, you know, thanks for sitting back and letting Larry get all the glory while you do all the work and come up with all the good ideas." "You're a good friend, Kenny." "Really good." "Hey, Kenny, look." "I think I like the bishop walk better." "Maybe I should start with that." "Sure." "Why don't you make all the decisions." "It's all about you, isn't it?" "God, I can't take it anymore!" "Dave, how can you stand it?" "Dave?" "!" "I'm sorry, what's that?" "It's time, Dave." "It's time." "Really?" "Get in there and crush that dream." "What happened to "let the world do it"?" "The world's taking too long." "Get in there and crush it." "Pulverize it, vaporize it." "Do whatever you want, just get it out of my house." "I love you." "* I can breathe * Go." "* For the first time... *" "Hey, Hill, listen, about your singing..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "It sucks." "What?" "Why would you say that?" "Mom..." "What?" "Don't look at me, I don't know what he's talking about." "I think you're a star." "You're fantastic." "No, no, no, no, you don't." "You said that she sounds like somebody waking up in the middle of an operation." "Well, which is it, Mom, am I good or not?" "You are good." "You're very good." "But you're not really... good." "Wait, you guys always told me how beautiful my voice is." "Yeah, well, you know..." "we were lying." "Why would you do that?" "!" "Because, honey, that's what parents do, to build up your self-esteem." "Yeah, yeah, I mean, we also told you, you know, you were great at ballet." "I was great at ballet!" "I was in the Nutcracker, remember?" "No, no, no, sweetie, you were the nutcracker." "You kicked that poor kid Monty right in the bean bag." "Honey, we're not trying to hurt your feelings, we're trying to protect you from being disappointed." "Okay, look, I know I'm a little pitchy in places, but they can fix that with computers like they do Ashlee Simpson." "I am certainly as good as she is." "And the only thing that Ashlee has that I don't is a father who believes in her." "She also has a famous sister whose coattails she's riding on." "Yeah, and don't expect any help in that department." "I mean, have you seen your brothers lately?" "And Larry's not even going to be president of the chess club." "Hey, how do you know that?" "Just a hunch." "I know what you're doing." "You're just trying to get me to go to college." "Well, guess what?" "I'm not going to go." "Sweetie, is it at all possible that maybe you're trying to find a way not to apply to college 'cause deep down you're afraid you might not get into a good college?" "No." "I don't care what you think." "I'm going to be a singer." "In fact, when I win my first Grammy," "I already have my speech prepared." "Yeah?" "What's that?" "This is for my parents... to shove" "Yeah, you win a Grammy," "I'll let you shove it (bleep, bleep, bleep)" "Hey, how was school today?" "Horrible." "Get this, Kenny decided to run for chess club president." "What?" "You're kidding, right?" "Why would he do that?" "He seems to think that he should run the club just 'cause he's better at chess than me." "Oh, the nerve of that little..." "Isn't he supposed to be your best friend?" "Why would he do something like that?" "I don't know." "Maybe because you told him to." "Why would you think that?" "I don't know." "Maybe because he told me that you did." "He also told me that you gave him a picture of me playing checkers." "If that gets around, I'm finished." "I can't believe you." "Now hold on, Larry." "Look, I'm sorry." "Look, I was just trying to protect you." "You know?" "I..." "I spent a lot of my high school years picking on the president of the chess club." "And I just don't want you to wind up like that kid." "Don't worry about me." "I'm doing fine." "I'm just biding my time and when Dave least expects it... that's when I make my move." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Maybe chess wasn't cool when you were a kid, old man, but it's cool now." "It is way cool." "All right, well, it won't be so cool when you're hanging off the flagpole by your underwears." "Oh, that was real funny when you did that to me, Dave." "Ah, we'll see how funny it is when you don't have a head anymore!" "(buzzing, revving)" "Hey, uh, guys?" "Yeah?" "You guys remember when you said if I ever had any questions about anything, I can come to you at anytime?" "No." "Yeah." "So, uh..." "I just had a few things that I was wondering about sex." "Oh, really?" "Like what?" "Like... what's the best position for sex?" "How often do most people even have sex?" "How often do you guys have sex?" "When you have sex, do you guys, like, ever fantasize about other people?" "Dad... have you ever had a homosexual experience?" "And, Mom... what's a G-spot and where is it?" "Well, that ought to stop them from ever trying to talk to me about sex again." "Hey, what are you guys watching?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Um, listen," "I heard what you guys said and maybe you're right." "It isn't easy to be a singer." "So I decided to give up on that dream." "Oh... that's great, honey." "Don't feel bad." "It's all a part of growing up." "I remember the first time I had to give up on my dreams." "You! Will you marry me?" "Yes." "Anyway..." "I figured out what I want to do instead." "I'm thinking of becoming a child psychologist." "Wow." "That's..." "that's fantastic." "Yeah, I mean, what a great choice." "How'd you come up with that?" "Well, um... after you guys made me feel like a horrible piece of crap," "I went running up to my room crying my eyes out and..." "I wish I had someone to talk to, you know, like a shrink." "And then it came to me:" "I should be a child psychologist." "I mean, I figure that if the rest of the parents out there suck half as bad as you guys do, there's got to be a ton of screwed-up kids." "I mean..." "I could make a fortune." "I'm glad we could lead you in the right direction." "Oh, and I found out that they have a really great child psych program at Harvard." "So, I'm thinking of going there." "Harvard." "Mm..." "Yeah." "I just hope I get in." "Oh, well, honey, uh, if you apply yourself, there's nothing you can't do." ""I'm going to Harvard." Maybe I should go, too." "No, no, you should be a singer." "All right... listen... you can be pissed at me if you want." "Yes, yes, I messed up your little chess club election thing." "But you know what?" "To hell with you, all right?" "Because at least I'm trying." "Uh, was that supposed to be an apology?" "Could I have made it any clearer?" "The words "I'm sorry" might have helped." "But you don't even have to apologize." "It turns out, Kenny won, and after school, the entire lacrosse team raised him up the flagpole by his underwear." "Really?" "And the irony is, his underwear had an American flag on them." "Anyway, that would've been me if it weren't for you, so thanks, Dad." "Sometimes you actually know what you're talking about." "Ha!" "See, God, I don't need your help." "I do better on my own." "Ha." "Ow." "What was that for?"