"My name is Ash, and I am a slave." "Close as I can figure it, the year is 1300 AD, and I'm being dragged to my death." "It wasn't always like this." "I had a real life once." "Ajob." "Ash to price check four." "Um, hardware." "Aisle 12." "Shop smart, shop S-Mart." "I had a wonderful girlfriend" " Linda." "Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains." "It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find:" ""Necronomicon ex Mortis"," ""The Book of the Dead"." "Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon-resurrection passages." "It was never meant for the world of the living." "The book awoke something dark in the woods." "It took Linda." "And then it came for me." "It got into my hand and it went bad." "So I lopped it off at the wrist." "But that didn't stop it." "It came back." "Big time." "My God!" "How do you stop it?" "!" "Where the hell?" "Now... easy now, chief." "I don't know how I got here, and..." "I'm not lookin' for any trouble." "What a piece of armour this is!" " Wiseman!" " Fall back." "Back on your horses." "My lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon." "He who is prophesied to fall from the heavens and deliver us from the terrors of the Deadites." "What?" "That buffoon?" "Likely... he's one of Henry's men!" "Kneel, rapscallion!" "I say to the pit with him!" "Thou shalt soon learn the horrors of the pit." " To the pit!" " You miserable bastard!" "Get off of me!" "Pick up your feet." "Stop draggin' your feet." "Come on." "Move along." "Come on now." "Come on, pick it up." "Have a taste of this." "You men, you've got something to look forward to when you get to the castle." "Lord Arthur approaches." "Raise the portcullis!" "Lord Arthur!" "Lord Arthur approaches!" "Lord Arthur, where is my brother?" "Did he not ride with you?" "Aye." "And fought valiantly." "But last night he fell in battle to Duke Henry's men." "I'm sorry, Sheila." "Come on." "Foul thing!" "A pox on your throat!" "Thou art a murderer!" "A black murderer!" "My brother's death shall be avenged!" "Company, halt!" "Get that yoke off him." "You, sir, are not one of my vassals." "Who are you?" "Who wants to know?" "I am Henry the Red," "Duke of Shale, lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples." "Well, hello, Mr Fancy Pants." "I got news for you, pal." "You ain't leading' but two things right now - jack and shit." "And jack left town." " Shut your bleedin' hole!" " Noble gentlemen, Lord Arthur!" "There is an evil awakened in this land." "And while my people fight for their very souls against it, you, Henry the Red, wage war on us." "Charlatan!" "It was you who first turned your swords on us, and this evil has befouled my people as well!" "Your people are no better than the foul corruption" " that lies in the bowels of that pit." " Right!" "You're no better!" "May God have mercy upon your souls." "In God's name, what hell-spawned thing lurks there?" "Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of whores!" "No!" "No!" "Heavenly God!" "He's escaping!" "Hold him!" "He trembles!" " They don't look so clever now." " He's frightened!" "Whoa, whoa." "Wait a minute." "Hold it." "Wait a minute." "You gotta understand, man." "I never even saw these assholes before." "What are you waiting for?" "Henry, you gotta tell him you don't know me." "We never met." "Tell him!" "I do not think he'll listen, lad." "Look, I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy." "I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy." "Don't you like the pit?" "Isn't the pit wonderful?" "Why, you..." "Hah!" "Spikes." "Hey, if he says spikes, give him spikes." "Make way." "Strange one." "Strange one!" "Yes!" "Damn you." "Damn you!" "You know, your shoelace is untied." "All right." "Who wants some?" "Who's next?" "Huh?" "How about it?" "Who wants some?" "Huh?" "Who wants to have a little?" "You." "You want some more?" "Huh?" "You want a little?" "Do you?" "Do you want some more?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Now get on those horses and get outta here." "Let him go!" "Halt!" "Thank you, generous hosts!" "Sword boy!" "For that arrogance, I shall see you dead." "Yeah." "All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up." "See this?" "This... is my boomstick!" "It's a 12-gauge, double-barrelled Remington." "S-Mart's top of the line." "You can find this in the sporting-goods department." "This sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan." "Retails for about 109.95." "It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger." "That's right." "Shop smart, shop S-Mart." "You got that?" "Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me..." "Now, let's talk about how I get back home." "I prithee to forgive me, my lord." "I believed thee one of Henry's men." "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me." "Blow." "So, what's the deal?" "Can you send me back or not?" "Only the Necronomicon has the power, an unholy book which we also require." "Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time." "Only you, the Promised One, can quest for it." "I don't want your book, or your bullshit." "Send me back to my own time, pronto..." "You shall die!" "You shall never take the Necronomicon." "We shall feast upon your soul!" "It's a trick." "Get an axe." "Oh, my eyes!" "I'm blind!" "Oh, God!" "I'm blind!" "Yo, she-bitch." "Let's go." "If the Deadites had the Necronomicon, all mankind would be consumed by this evil." "Now will thou quest for the book?" "That one." "Hyah!" "Groovy." "What's the matter?" "You raised in a barn?" "Shut the door." "Probably was raised in a barn, with all the other primitives." "The wisemen say that thou art the Promised One." "'Tis said that thou wilt journey for the book to help us and thou wilt lead our people against the evil." "The only reason I'm goin' to get the book is to get home." " I believe thou wilt leave in the morning." " Don't touch that!" "Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and... things with molecular structures and..." "What are you doing here anyway?" "I wanted to say that all of my hopes and prayers go with thee, and I made this for thee." "Good." "I could use a horse blanket." "Gimme some sugar, baby." "Hyah!" "Come on, boy!" "Hyah!" "Hyah!" "Steady now." "Whoa." "What?" "What is it?" "This path will lead you to an unholy place - a cemetery." "There the Necronomicon awaits." "When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite:" "Klaatu verata nikto." "Klaatu... verata... nikto." "OK." "Well, repeat them." "Klaatu verata nikto." " Again!" " I got it!" "I got it!" "I know your damn words, all right?" "Now you get this straight, the both of you:" "If I get that book, you send me back." "After that, I'm history." "Hyah!" "What is it, boy?" "Hyah!" "Come on!" "Ugh!" "Argh!" "Ramming speed!" " Ready." " Aim." "Fire!" "Shake a leg!" "You lousy little..." "Ahahaha!" "Oh, you little bastards!" "Whoa!" "Wait a minute." "Oh, God." "I can't move!" "Alley-up!" "Whoa!" "Geronimo!" "OK, little fella!" "How about some hot chocolate, huh?" "How'd you like the taste of that, huh?" "How'd you like the ta?" "Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!" "Hey!" "What's the big idea taking' my?" "Why, you!" "Ooh!" "Ooh, I'm blind." "I'm blind." "Where are you takin' me?" "Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me" "Cos I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee" "What are you?" "Are you me?" ""What are you?" "Are you me?"" "You sound like a jerk!" " Why are you doin' this?" " You wanna know?" "The answer's easy." "I'm Bad Ash, and you're Good Ash." "You're Goody Little Two-Shoes." "Goody Little Two-Shoes." "Goody Little Two-Shoes." "Little Goody Two-Shoes." "Little Goody Two-Shoes." "Little Goody Two-Shoes." "Little Goody Two-Shoes." "Little Goody Two-Shoes." "Little Goody Two-Shoes." "Little Goody Two-Shoes." "Ha-ha!" "I ain't that good." "Now you see what's what." "A man's body is his own personal property." "Don't let anybody try and take that away from him." "That'll teach ya." "Yeah, that'll teach ya." "You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon." "You'll die in the graveyard before you get it." "Hey, uh... what's that you got on your face?" "Huh?" "See how that works?" "I'll come back for you!" "I'll..." "Hyah!" "Come on, boy!" "Hyah!" "Hyah!" "Come on!" "Three books?" "Wait a minute." "Hold it." "Nobody said anything about three books." "Ooh, that stinkin' wiseman!" "He was so busy filling' me full of his secret little words and his bullshit that he never said anything about this!" "Like, what am I supposed to do?" "Take one book, or all books?" "Or what?" "Well..." "Whoa." "Wrong book." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ooh, you..." "I'll get back to you." "Well..." "Seems fairly obvious." "Ooh!" "Wait a minute." "The words." "All right, all right, all right." "Say the words." "Klaatu... verata... n..." "Necktie." "Nectar." "Nickel." "Noodle." "It's an n-word." "It's definitely an n-word." "It was definitely an n-word." "Klaatu... verata... n..." "OK, then." "That's it." "Hey, wait a minute." "Everything's cool." "I said the words." "I did!" "No, wait." "You people seek cover." "To the parapet!" "Seek your children!" "Something's wrong." "Something's amiss." "I'll crush ya!" "I'll mash you to paste, you bony creeps!" "Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth." "Come on!" "I'm through being their garbage boy." "I did my part." "Now I want back, like in the deal." "Hyah!" "I..." "live... again." "There!" "The Promised One!" "The Promised One's returned!" "Raise the portcullis!" "Welcome home!" "Only he is the Promised One!" "He's brought the Necronomicon!" "He's brought the book!" "Yeah." "Great, great." "Get the fuck outta my face." "The Necronomicon, quickly." "Did you bring the Necronomicon?" " Yeah." "It's just that..." " Just what?" "Nothin'." "Here." "Now send me back, like in the deal." "When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle, did you speak the words?" " Yeah... basically." " Did you speak the exact words?" "Maybe I didn't say every single tiny syllable, but basically I said 'em, yeah." "Dung-eating fool!" "Thou hast doomed us all!" "When thou misspoke the words, the army of the dead awoke." "Whoa right there, spinach-chin." "You said that you could clean this up with that book, that a passage in there could get rid of this thing and send me back." "The book still possesses the power to send you back, but to us it is useless." "The evil has a hunger for the Necronomicon, and it will come here to get it." "We had a deal." "You wanted the book, I got it for you." "I did my part, now you send me back." "Very well." "As we are men of our word, we shall honour our bargain." "The wisemen shall return you to your own time." "Yeah?" "Yeah, right, cos that was the deal." "So when do you think we can start with all the... thing and the..." "When do you think we can start with all the ceremony and the..." "You know, like..." "You know, cos..." "sooner's always better than later, right?" "Ach!" "Wretched excuse for a man!" "The wisemen were fools to trust in you." " I knew he couldn't be trusted." " I trusted him!" "I still believe that thou wilt help us." "Ah, Sheila, don't you get it?" "It's over." "I didn't have what it took." "So long." "You would leave me?" "Cripes!" "I don't belong here." "I got a chance to go back and I'm takin' it." "But what of the things that we shared?" "What of the sweet words that you spoke?" "Oh, well..." "Well, that's just what we call pillow talk, baby." "That's all." "It was more than that." "I still have faith in thee." "I still believe that thou wilt stay and save us." "I..." "Coward!" "Look out!" "Ash, help me!" "Sheila!" "Hold your arms!" "You'll hit the girl!" "Damn you!" "Dig, damn you!" "Dig faster!" "I shall command every worm-infested son of a bitch that ever died in battle." "You, there!" "Handsomely, now!" "We shall storm the castle and get my book." "Hoist, you damnable varlets!" "Welcome back to the land of the livin'." "Now pick up a shovel and get digging!" "Bring on the wench!" "Gimme me some sugar, baby." "Well... now, ain't you the sweet little thing?" "Don't touch me, you foul thing." "Come on." "That's it." "We got plans for you, girly-girl." "Move!" "Blast your bones, you dig 'em all out, you heathens!" "A scout approaches!" "Hey, get his horse." "Arise." "My lord, an army of the dead gather, and they approach the castle." " How far from here?" " But two days' ride." " These winged ones are only the first." " Perhaps we should leave." "We could be safe in the mountains." " It has been foretold." " They'll take our souls." "I'm afraid." "I don't want to die!" "That's it, go ahead and run!" "Run home and cry to mamma!" "Me?" "I'm through running'!" "I say we stay here and fight it out." "Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?" "Nope." "Just me, baby." "Just me." "How will we fight an army of the dead at our castle walls?" "How will you fight that?" "More words?" "Most of our people have already fled." "We are but 60 men." "Then we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us." "Now... who's with me?" "I'll stand by ya." "You can count on my steel." " I'll offer up my courage." " My sword's by your side." " I'm with you!" " I'll be the backbone to your will, sir." "Hail!" "Hail!" "Hail!" "Hail!" "Hail!" "Hail!" "Hail!" "Hail!" "Well, my dear, say hello to the boys." "There's a sight for sore bones." "I may be bad, but I feel... good." " Who rules?" " You, my lord." " To the castle." " The castle!" " But the men are afraid!" " Has Henry not answered our scout?" "Quit your bellyaching'!" "I know you're scared." "We're all scared." "But that doesn't mean we're cowards." "We can take these Deadites." "We can take 'em!" "With science." " Come now!" "Come!" " C'mon, fellas, push!" "Heave-ho." "Over, over!" "Now, tilt, tilt, tilt!" "Hagh!" "Huh!" "Hai!" "Gagh!" "Hagh!" "Huh!" "Hai!" "Gagh!" "Yeah!" "They're coming!" "The Deadites approach!" "Quickly, you worthless fools!" "They'll be on us anon!" "Come on, guys." "The moment of truth is almost here." "You men better not fail me now." "There's so damn many of 'em." "I need more men." "Battle stations!" "Get those rocks up, mister!" "On the double!" "Ready the catapult!" "By God, let's give 'em what for!" " Halt!" " Company, halt!" "Company, halt!" " Looking glass." " Aye, sire." "Once I possess the Necronomicon," "I shall rule and you shall be my queen." "Whoa." "My lord, we are positioned on both fronts." "Fine, fine, fine." "Where are they keeping my book?" "There, beyond the drawbridge in the second wall." "That would be the safest place." "I will not allow anything to keep me from possessing that Necronomicon." "Now, bring me forth into that castle!" " Forward!" " Forward!" "Cry 'Havoc!" "' and let loose the dogs of war!" "To the castle!" "Excellent." "Death to the mortals!" "Arrows!" "Bows!" "Load!" "Draw!" "Torch boy!" "Steady." "Fire!" "Advance, you fiends!" "Advance!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Yeah, baby!" "All right!" "Sire, a second division, approaching from the south." "Ram the gates!" "Catapults." "Catapults up!" "Come on, men!" "Move it!" "Swing them round!" "That's it." "Heave-ho!" "Yeah!" "Fire!" "Yeah!" "Seek cover!" " Watch out!" " Make way!" "Ooh!" "Ooh, you miserable bags of bones!" "Pick yourselves up and sally f... sally f... sally forth!" "Forward!" "Buttress the door, now!" "Agh!" "Hold fast!" "Rocks!" "Ooh, that's gotta hurt!" "Oh, you cretins!" "Arrows!" "Load." "Fire!" "We'll ram it down the bastards' throat!" "The castle is ours!" "Kill the mortals!" "Hagh!" "Huh!" "Hai!" "Gagh!" "Hagh!" "Huh!" "Hai!" "Gagh!" "Fall back!" "Man the parapet!" "Protect the book!" "God save us all." "Say hello to the 21st century!" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "I got plenty for everybody!" "Look out!" "It's the one in the cart we want." "Get him!" "Sheila." " We've secured the courtyard, m'lord." " Excellent." " Hey, you're mine, sweetie!" " Get off of her!" "Damn you!" " My lord!" " Stay with the book!" "The book will be ours!" "The Red!" "The Red!" "Duke Henry and his men have come!" "For king and castle!" "Blows, blood and death!" "We are saved!" "Ha-ha!" "Onward, valiant cousins!" "Their ranks are broke!" "Oops." "Hello." "The book is mine." "I'll cut your gizzard out." "Where'd he go?" "Hey!" "Come to papa." "Get him!" "Right." "You found me beautiful once." "Honey, you got real ugly." "There we are." "Wanna play rough, eh?" "OK." "You're going down." " I'm goin' up." " I'm comin' for ya." " Excuse me." " Come on!" "All right!" "You're pissin' me off, you ugly son of a bitch!" "I'll spoil those good looks!" "Backstabber!" "Tally-ho!" "We can't hold the battlements!" "We will hold." "We must protect the book." "I got a bone to pick with you." "Come on!" "I'll slice your gizzard open." "Now you're mine!" "Let's go!" "At last, the book!" "I possess the Necronomicon." "I've crushed your pathetic army." "Now I'll have my vengeance!" "Buckle up, bonehead, cos you're goin' for a ride." "Huh?" " Retreat!" "Retreat!" " Let's get the hell out of here!" "If it's a fight you want..." "Watch 'em, lads." "If it's a fight they're lookin' for, they're gonna get it." " Your hand, man!" " Hey, Henry." "You had us goin'." " Arthur." " Well won, my friend." "We've won the day." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "We're brothers, men." "A new kingdom shall be born!" "The book tells us that, once you drink this liquid and recite the words "Klaatu verata nikto", thou shalt awaken in thine own time." "Remember, you must recite the words exactly." "Hyah!" "I thought about staying." "They offered me the chance to lead them, to teach them, to be king." " Uh-huh." " But my place is here." "So I swallowed the juice, said the words, and here I am." "Did you say the words right this time?" "Maybe I didn't say every tiny little syllable, but basically I said 'em, yeah." "Basically." "You know that story about how you could have been king?" "I, uh, think it's kinda cute." "Yeah." "Die!" "Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store." "Who the hell are you?" "Name's Ash." "Housewares." "I'll swallow your soul." "Come get some." "Sure, I could have stayed in the past." "Could have even been king." "But, in my own way," "I am king." "Hail to the king, baby."