"Isn't this fun?" "Planting narcissus bulbs for the holidays." "Who doesn't love a good potting party?" "This isn't like any pot party I ever been to." "These bulbs won't even be sprouting by Thanksgiving." "Oh, who cares about Thanksgiving?" "David and I don't participate in it." "The only tradition we have is avoiding our families." "Yep, every year we sneak up to Big Sur and hide in a hot tub." "Our only nod to the day is eating turkey meat loaf and drinking cranberry vodka." "I don't do turkey day either." "The last Thanksgiving I did with my family was a hot negative mess." "Big news, guys, I got a new job!" "Cheesecake factory?" "You got your work cut out for you." "I love that strawberry lemonade, but that menu is huge." "Thank God for those pictures." "I'm not working at no dang cheesecake factory." "I am the new assistant to Mr. Bryan Collins." "Daddy, my dreams are coming true." "Dreams don't pay no bills, Rocky." "Neither do you, dummy." "You ain't gonna make it out there in that big city." "You said the same thing about me." "You moved to LA, and then what do you have to show for it?" "I became a paramedic." "And I still ain't got but one foot." "Raquel-Marie, we're just saying you're not Hollywood material." "You're more like, uh, flint, Michigan material." "I am so tired of the two of you putting me down." "I'm gonna be somebody someday, you just wait and see." "Just 'cause your dreams didn't come true, doesn't mean mine won't." "My dream happen to be eating that pecan pie right there." "Now pass it on down, girl." "Well, Thanksgiving was no picnic in Ohio either." "The last one was a nightmare." "Oh, Jane, what a wonderful dinner:" "Turkey, ham and roast beef?" "So glad I wore my pajama jeans." "Right, like you have any others." "Do you have any green beans?" "No, honey, vegetables are for the poor." "I wouldn't be caught dead serving one." "Nana, that's not true, we have potatoes." "Potatoes are cushions for gravy." "And what is gravy?" "Liquid meat." "Meat is a symbol of success." "Charity, this jell-o dish with marshmallows and grapes is perfect." "Can I get the recipe?" "Oh, Goldie, you don't have to pretend you cook." "We're family." "I'll just bring one over next time I come to do Clay's laundry properly." "Bryan, what do you say we skip the hot tub meat loaf this year and start a new Thanksgiving tradition?" "Just the five of us." "We'll stay here and hide away from our crazy families together." "I love it, it's a girls and gays Thanksgiving." "We can have Turkey and watch movies where guys pretend to be attracted to Rachel McAdams." "You girls in?" "Yes, we'd love to." "Okay, I'll do Thanksgiving, but it's going on my time card." "Shaniwhy did we drive 90 miles to Ojai to get a Thanksgiving Turkey?" "Well, since your mom is pregnant," "I thought we should try to find one that was organically raised, you know, no hormones, no antibiotics." "Plus, Ojai is so beautiful." "I think I'd like to buy Ojai." "Hey there, folks, what can I do you for?" "Well, we need a Turkey for our Thanksgiving dinner." "You go ahead and pick out the one you like." "Oh..." "I think you misunderstood." "We don't want one that's alive and full of feathers and life." "We want one that's dead and wrapped in a simple brown paper package with a raffia string." "Oh, the way it works is, you pick out your favorite and then you can lop its head off." "Well, we don't want to do that." "Oh, you're squeamish, huh?" "That's all right, for an extra five dollars," "I'll have my seven-year-old do it." "Wait, are you telling me that all these display turkeys are gonna be killed?" "Well, son, what is it you think we do here?" "Well, I don't know, I thought you had a freezer in the back with the ready-to-go kind, and all this bloody, gory stuff happened at night in some secret, off-site poultry Guantanamo while the townspeople slept in peaceful ignorance." "Don't worry, I'll get a big one for you." "You're gonna like it." "Hey, hey, bird." "I'll get him out." "Hold on there." "You're gonna love this one here." "I got him, I got him." "Bryan, I can't do this." "Before I saw these noble creatures," "I thought of them as meat, but now, looking in their eyes, I see their spirit." "Oh, this, this, this one here..." "you got him?" "All right, stop, stop, stop, stop." "These turkeys are getting a last-minute pardon from the governor." "That's me and her..." "we are the governor." "We're buying them all." "Oh, perfect, take me and my daughter not five minutes to kill the whole batch." "No, no, we don't want to kill them." "We want to liberate them." "These evil bastards aren't pets." "These are the devil's peacocks." "Sir, I was raised in the midwest, okay?" "I know a thing or two about turkeys." "And my range rover has heated leather seats, so would you say these creatures are fairly neat?" "Let's call that skinny one feather Locklear." "And that one by the water bowl who's drinking itself to death," "Mel giblets." "Oh, and that one..." "Stan." "Oh, David." "Bryan, why are there giant birds defecating on our lawn furniture?" "We couldn't let them die, so we gave them all a pardon." "We're keeping them as pets." "And Rocky's going to take care of them." "Oh, no, Rocky won't." "Well, what are we going to do with them?" "I don't think we're even zoned for this." "Fresh Turkey eggs every morning." "Turkeys lay eggs, right?" "I don't think so." "Aren't they just boy chickens?" "It felt good to save their lives." "I'll admit it, you guys did do a good thing." "It shows a lot of compassion and decency, which is what this holiday is all about, which makes me feel even guiltier about the conversation" "I had with my mother." "Off to big sur for your annual selfish gay Thanksgiving?" "I may turn lesbian just for an invite." "Actually, Bryan and I are going to stay home this year, just the two of us..." "And a few friends." "Ah, I see." "I'm sorry, mom, we're just gonna keep it small." "I-it's fine." "I'll just cook a gourmet dinner alone and not have to share it with any pesky loved ones, and my tears will make a natural brine for the Turkey." "Sounds like your mom was sad." "Maybe you should invite her, David." "Ah..." "Shania, grown-ups talking." "It'll be fun." "Everybody could invite all their family and friends they've been avoiding and pardon them, just like Bryan and I did with the turkeys." "Oh, my mom is on a baltic cruise that I paid for, so she can't make it." "You know, Bryan, we've got a kid coming." "The holidays aren't just about us anymore." "I think I've got to invite my mom to Thanksgiving." "They say" ""in giving we receive and in forgiving we are forgiven."" "You're so smart, sweetie, but don't you ever want to just pick your nose and watch cartoons, hey?" "Juice box?" "Yes, please." "You know, I really need to stop freezing out my Clint just because he voted for romney." "I mean, so did the lead singer of creed, and we still get our hair done together." "Yeah, and if I'm really starting a new life here," "I can't hold onto the bitterness of my old one." "I'm going to invite your dad." "Oh, God." "Well, I suppose I have to forgive your Nana for releasing that embarrassing video of me and for calling me a queen." "And fairy." "Fudgie the whale, Perry homo, super-Mary- gayalicious... sex-fiend- Elton-boy-kiss, which I have admittedly taken as my own." "So it's, uh, Nana, Clay, uh, Rocky's brother, and David's mother." "And one more... my dad." "He's the one I really have to forgive." "You know, I've had such a hard time letting go of him cheating on my mom." "If I invite her, I have to invite him." "David, your parents have not been in the same room since hurricane Katrina, which was arguably less of a disaster." "One day our kid will be mad at me for something, and it would break my heart if he or she shut me out because of it." "Then it's settled... we'll start a whole new tradition." "Thanksgiving without killing animals and inviting everyone that means a lot to us, no matter how much we may want to kill them." "Oh, hello there, you adorable little cutie." "It's your future grandmommy." "I'm making cranberry gelée with dark sweet cherries, marsala wine, and Rosemary." "It's orgasmic." "That means "delicious" in French." "Hey, kiddo, I'm your granddad-to-be Marty, but you can just call me Marty." "Everybody else does." "So I brought a tasty pear and toasted walnut salad and seven years of bottled-up rage for my ex-wife frances." "Got your nose." "Hey, I'm Clay, Shania's dad." "I've been really busy getting my headshots taken for my acting career." "I didn't cook anything, but I, I got some candied yams and then I ate most of 'em on the way here 'cause they were so good." "Oh, no!" "Hey, baby, it's your godmama Rocky and this is my brother Clint." "He's your God-Uncle... technically your half-God-Uncle." "Hey." "We brought a whole bunch of food to keep the Southern black family Thanksgiving tradition alive." "Tell 'em what we got, Clint." "We've got Mac and cheese, red beans, cornbread, mashed potatoes." "And a whole bunch of gravy to smother it all." "Gravy comes from meat." "Now, see, that's your other godmama." "You decide who's more fun." "Hello, um, I'm Mrs. Jane forrest, the life of every party and the last real American, along with newt gingrich." "I am so sorry you are being born into this world of hell, but we have to believe it is what God intended." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Pumpkin spice pie." "Thank you, that was lovely, Jane." "Are you sure we're ready for this?" "Yeah, I'm sure it'll be just like the first Thanksgiving." "It'll end in a massacre and half the guests will get smallpox." "To the top." "Might not be able to get any more later." "Yo, you want some beer, man?" "It's gonna be great." "Who's hungry?" "They did a good job with the house." "They're gay." "So the whole thing is made out of tofu?" "Yeah, it's a tofurkey." "Actually looks like the real thing." "Yeah, well, tofu is like an aging diva's face." "You can shape it into almost anything, but nobody's really that excited to see it." "Your parents look like they're getting along." "Yeah, I know, right?" "Hey, hey." "It's amazing." "Sit up." "Looks like your chin and your gut are in a race to the floor." "Ugh, that voice... it's like a dolphin being impaled." "So, like, what part is the, is the drumstick?" "It's not the neck, right?" "No, the drumstick is part of their leg." "The neck is the neck." "And do turkeys have nuggets, or is that just chickens?" "Wait, honey, let your dad figure this one out himself." "Okay?" "Hey, happy Thanksgiving." "Yeah, you, too." "Ooh." "Sorry." "It's a little weird, huh?" "The part where you're pregnant with these guys' baby or the part where your ex-husband's here?" "Uh, the part where we've been on two dates and can't talk about it." "Clint, I like you, um, but I know how important this meal is to Bryan and David, and I just don't want to ruffle any feathers." "That's a Turkey joke." "It's funny." "Um, I don't think Clay is ready to hear that I'm dating someone." "You told me how many times he cheated on you." "Yeah, but he's still Shania's dad, and" "I never want to put him in a position where he's embarrassed or hurt in front of his daughter." "You're sure that's the only reason?" "Yes." "Are you out of your mind?" "Making moves on the woman that is growing my boss' baby?" "I can't help it." "I like her." "Like her?" "What could there possibly be in that for you?" "Unless you're one of those weirdoes with a lactating-moms fetish." "It doesn't matter to me whether she's pregnant or not." "Goldie's great." "God!" "So let's see." "I have the height, the singing voice, and the brains in this family." "Let's watch some football." "Did I just hear you right?" "Are your brother and Goldie sneaking around?" "Don't shoot the messenger, crazy pants." "I'm sure he's used to dating pregnant women." "But not this one." "So keeping on track with this whole pardon theme," "I should probably forgive you for being the most handsome, perfect fiancé a man could have." "And I should forgive you for waiting until after your third glass of wine to realize that." "Uh, you know, when you two are finished punching your ticket to hell, can someone give me an eta on the Turkey?" "The sooner we eat, the sooner I get to go back to my hotel room, peel off my pantyhose and watch a Sandra bullock movie." "Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. forrest, but we will not be serving any meat this year." "What?" "What the hell are you guys talking about?" "Well, it was important for Shania to have a vegetarian Thanksgiving." "No meat?" "Thanksgiving is meat." "Thanksgiving is family, flesh and blood, gathered around a table, eating flesh and blood." "Can I buy you another drink here?" "Okay, let-let me get this straight." "I am standing here with two gays who are telling me that I can't eat meat while a black boy has decided that this Thanksgiving, he's going to get himself a nice juicy piece of white meat." "Oh, God, Nana, please stop." "You're acting crazy." "I am the only sane one here!" "But this?" "!" "No Turkey on Thanksgiving?" "!" "This is where I draw the line." "You see, you cannot pick and choose the traditions you like." "That is not the way this country works." "Why don't you just go wipe your sore bottoms with the American flag while you're at it?" "This is what your family looks like now!" "Nobody wants you here less than me, but I was the one who suggested we invite you." "I was the one who extended the olive branch, because it was for the good of my family, because that is what the true spirit of Thanksgiving is about." "So why don't you sit down, have a drink and shut your pumpkin pie hole?" "!" "It's not so bad." "You're gonna love my grandma's okra." "Screw your grandma." "I'm having Turkey." "Now, where do think the gays keep the axe?" "Here you go, dad." "Oh, hey." "Thanks." "You know, I didn't know that you boys knew Bette Midler." "Oh, yeah." "She, uh..." "She did a couple episodes of Bryan's show." "Mm?" "She's also the voice of our outgoing message." "Ah." "I always thought that was Bryan." "You know, I'm..." "I'm really proud of you, son." "The life that you've built here with your partner, the baby on the way... it's amazing stuff." "Amazing." "There you are, David." "I can't find your serving spoons." "Oh, yeah." "I'll-I'll get them for you." "Franny, look at this." "It's the boys and Bette Midler." "Huh?" "How about that!" "Where did we see her that time?" "Atlantic city?" "Yeah, yeah, that was a fun night, wasn't it?" "Oh." "Oh, God." "I saw you when I walked into your office that day." "Your hand was on her ass!" "Hey, mom, did you need them for salad?" "Because we have tongs." "Oh, so now her ass needed a pair of glasses." "Doesn't make any difference what I have to say, 'cause you've always got your own little story going on." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What the hell is this?" "!" "Oh, your mother's at it again, accusing me of cheating on her when we were married." "Who goes to a ophthalmology conference in Philadelphia and stays an extra two days?" "There were meetings!" "I leave the room for three seconds." "How did you go from Bette Midler to Philadelphia?" "Bette Midler was in beaches." "With Barbara hershey." "Hershey." "Hershey, Pennsylvania!" "Oh, my God." "You guys are insane." "I invite you into our home for Thanksgiving." "It's the first time we've been together since the divorce." "And you have to go at each other?" "You couldn't just fake it?" "For one day?" "For the sake of the baby?" "We spent the whole day trying to fake it." "We just couldn't do it." "Let's face it." "We spent years faking it for the baby." "Only, back then, the baby was you." "I need to go find those spoons." "I'll get a drink." "Here, Turkey Turkey." "Come on, turkeys." "Come on!" "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Ah, should we go somewhere else?" "Well, let's just get it over with." "Good idea." "Then we can eat." "Ah!" "Right." "That's mine." "Oh, my gosh, that's good." "Is it?" "Well, you know..." "Whoa!" "Hands off my wife, man!" "Take it easy, man!" "What are you doing?" "I see the way you two are, just pawing at each other." "Right?" "I'm not blind." "Though sometimes at night, when I drive, my right eye gets a little blurry on the edges." "You should really get that checked out." "I've been telling him to do that." "You stop saying stuff when I'm mad at you, and keep your hands off my wife!" "Stop it." "Oh, my God!" "David, you cannot leave me alone in there with our nightmarish guests." "Sweet mother!" "I am trying very hard right now to remember Gwyneth Paltrow's goop crisis meditation tips, but it's hard, considering there's live fowl in my den." "What the hell, Shania?" "!" "I had to bring them here." "Nana was going to kill them." "She had an axe, and she'll use it, Bryan." "I saw her take down an emu once." "An emu?" "When the real estate bubble burst in '08, she and her friend Ruth Ann raised emus for extra cash." "Their meat is surprisingly low in fat, and their oil is prized for its anti-inflammatory properties." "Is the oil anti-aging?" "I should get one." "Wait." "Weren't there four birds?" "I had to split 'em up." "They were either fighting or mating." "I put the other two in the guest house bathroom." "Oh, we should probably tell David before he..." "What the hell?" "!" "Oh, my... oh!" "You're having sex in my guest house?" "!" "Well, we were going to use the bedroom, but it didn't seem right." "Oh, no, this was definitely the way to go." "Thank you." "You've officially brought Thanksgiving down to its lowest point." "Correction." "Why is your mother's skirt tucked into her underpants?" "I thought you guys hated each other." "Look, this is what we've always done." "We fight, then we fornicate." "It was our dynamic for 27 years." "Every day was 23 hours of torture, and then 23 minutes of pleasure." "Oh, my God." "23 minutes?" "What, are you sting?" "I appreciate that." "I invited you guys here because I wanted to put the past behind us, because I wanted to be able to have a normal family Thanksgiving for when the baby came." "But no matter how many times" "I try to forgive and forget, you always disappoint me again and again." "Just like Renée Zellweger." "I think you guys should go." "All right, I could say, "I'm sorry I disappointed you."" "But you know what?" "That's life." "We're your parents, and we're flawed." "Yeah, like it or not, kiddo, it's our flaws which have made you who you are, and from I can see, you've done pretty damn good." "You must be getting your clock cleaned on property taxes." "Hurry up, Marty." "Did your little blue pill wear off?" "Hey, I'm not holding onto this pillow 'cause I like chenille." "It's actually brushed suede, but why don't you keep it as a parting gift?" " Well, that's kind of you." " Happy Turkey day, boys." "I'll be back tomorrow for my casserole dish." "Okay." "Got your nose." "Well, good riddance!" "I saw the whole, craggy, saggy mess through the window." "Shh!" "A scared bird is not a moist bird." "No!" "No!" "No, Jane, you are not going to kill the majestic, stupid animals Shania and I foolishly rescued." "You should go." "You're throwing me out of your house on Thanksgiving?" "Who does that?" "It's a new tradition." "Fine." "I'll just go back to my hotel and celebrate Thanksgiving..." "Drinking" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "Stop it." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Stop it." "Baby on board." "He started it!" "Yeah, 'cause you're making moves on my wife!" "How dare you act like this!" "Especially with your daughter in the next room!" "I'm sorry, Goldie." "I want you to leave." "Before pie?" "You've already ruined too many of my thanksgivings." "Just... go." "I think I'm gonna go, too." "What?" "It's not fair if I stay when we both got into it..." "Even though he started it." "That's not true." "Okay, Clint, go home." "Okay, I'll see you." "Yeah." "Okay." "Oops." "Sorry." "Yeah, okay." "I think I broke my bad-word finger." "Dude, that's your index finger." "Oh, man, I've punched a lot of people for pointing up." "I know you guys feel bad about your Thanksgiving getting ruined and everything, but I like it just being us." "Mm." "Yeah." "Mm." "Me, too." "The only other person I would want here, besides Patti Lupone is our baby." "Who is right here and excited to try tofurkey." "Mmm." "Maybe we should rethink this holiday." "I think we should save" "Thanksgiving for us, and save Christmas for all of our damaged, inappropriate relatives." "Who pull out axes or their fists or their private parts with equal abandon." "Yeah." "Family is who you choose." "It's the relatives who are chosen for us." "So, Thanksgiving is for family, and Christmas is for relatives." "I like it." "Let's dig in." "Let me see." "Mmm." "Oh." "Yum, yum." "Oh." "Oh, God." "Tastes like pollution." "How about a pizza?" "How about five?" "What do you guys want on it?" "Meat." "You know what?" "Maybe let's keep with the vegetarian theme for Shania." "Yes." "And..." "To save the lives of all those innocent pepperonis." "Hi." "Yes." "I'd like to order some pizza." "Five larges, please." "Nothing, nothing." "Yeah, I'll take some breadsticks." "Salad?" "Do you want salad?" "Okay." "Who wants salad?" "So, is there anything else I need to know before you go to school?" "Well, it's pretty straightforward." "Feather Locklear has a wheat allergy." "Mel giblets really likes it when you tickle his wattle." "It puts him right to sleep." "Oh, don't forget to turn on Judge Joe Broat 1:30." "It's Stan's favorite." "Hmm." "And I left the satellite radio on smooth jazz because it helps Eddie gizzard with his anxiety." "Oh." "Oh, and do yourself a favor." "Do not make tea." "When the kettle starts to whistle, they will attack." "Got it." "Have fun now 'cause you're gonna make a delicious Christmas dinner."