"# Now once upon a time They sang the vo-dee-o-doe" "# But that was long ago" "# Then everybody started in To boop-boop-a-doop" "# They got tired of that, you know" "# But the tune for you and me..." "Very unnecessary." "# ls that swinging symphony" "# They called it inka dinka dee A dinka doo a dinka dee" "# Oh, what a tune for croonin' # lnka dinka dee a dinka doo a dinka dee # lt's got the whole world swoonin'" "# Eskimo belles up in..." "Let me hear those trumpets." "That's not a trumpet." "That's not a trumpet." "That's a trumpet." "# lnka dinka dee a dinka doo a dinka dee" "# Simply means a dinka dee a dinka doo # lnka dinka a dee a dinka doo" "Let me hear my symphony!" "What a band!" "# lnka dinka dinks A dinka dinks a dinka dee # lt's got the whole world swooning'..." "I'm walkin' down the street..." "I'm walkin' down the street... [high-pitched elongated notes]" "tell me, Mr James, now, just what did you accomplish?" "# lnka dinka dee a dinka doo a dinka dee..." "# Eee..." "That note was given to me by Bing Crosby." "And was he glad to get rid of it!" "# lnka dinka dee a dinka doo #" "Boys." "Time to get up." "Come on." "It's Saturday." "We've got to get going." " Where are we going?" " We're going to see my uncle Joe." "What?" "I don't want to go to uncle Joe's!" " Come here!" " I don't wanna go!" "No, I want to watch my cartoons!" "It's Saturday!" "You can't make us!" "We don't wanna go!" " Stop it!" " No, we don't wanna go!" "We'II be good!" "We'II eat anything." "We'II clean our room." "But no uncle Joe." "We don't have time for this." " Leave us alone!" " You wouldn't hurt Daddy." " It's early, carl." " I want to get there first." "Whoever gets there first talks about you until there's no point you even being there." "Try to bring up Tina's drinking." " She's your cousin." " You're more subtle." "[buzzer]" "carl and Nora McTeague." "welcome to hell." " Are we first, douglas?" " Indeed, sir." "No one else had the presence of mind to be three hours early." " May I take your bird, madam?" " No, we'II give it to him ourselves." "Care to wait in the drawing-room?" " There was another car out front." "Who...?" " Dr HemmeI is with your uncle." "Anything wrong?" "Your uncle was coughing most of the night, sir." "What kind of cough?" "Was it dry or Iiquidy?" "It was just a cough, sir." "Next time I'II save you a sample." "[pIopping sound]" "He'II really like the bird." " It cost us $400, carl." " You have to spend money to make money." " Oh, my heavens!" " YoIanda, what's wrong?" "He's dead!" "One minute the doctor was examining him and he say he was fine, and then..." " He's dead." " Come quickly!" "Yes!" " [boy] Are we rich?" " [carl] Maybe." "Oh, my God." "[YoIanda walls]" "YoIanda, go clean something." "Stop that!" "It's Dr HemmeI!" "Of course it's Dr HemmeI." "He used to brag how he got up at 5am to play racket-baII at 7 1 years old." "You don't hear him bragging now." "[uncle Joe chuckles]" "Truth be known, we are so relieved." "When YoIanda came in screaming, we thought..." "well, all I can say is we're glad you're still with us, uncle Joe." " You look thrilled." " We are." "especially the boys." "Joe and Joe." "Look, another little Joe in the oven." "Here's a doctor's note to prove it." " You look nice, Nora." " Thanks, uncle Joe." "So do you." " Why don't we just cut the cable?" " It's too thick." "Come on." "Did you hear that?" "He said you look nice." " I think that's a good sign." " I don't know what to think." "carl, I want a girl, honey." "AII right." "I swear, after he's dead we'II have a girl, I promise." "OK?" "uncle Joe?" "Wanted to tell you about something." "You should see how Big Joe...our Big Joe, what a head for business he has at nine years old." "He organised a Iawn-mowing company with fourth-graders." "He's preparing himself in case he has to take over a big business some day." "So you're interested in money, huh?" "Uh-huh." "Made ten bucks just coming here." "I get another 20 if I kiss you." "I'm thinking about it." "AII right." "That's it." " What happened?" "Is he...?" " Coronary." "He died instantly." " really?" "You mean just...?" " And he left everything to you, sis." " really?" " It wasn't him." "It was Dr HemmeI." "You son of a bitch." " You wish it was the old man, don't you?" " I did." "Now I wish it was you." " How are your girls, Ed?" " Yes, we have girls." "You know why?" "We wouldn't put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge to separate the X's from the Y's!" "Brother, no matter how much uncie Joe is worth, there is a line below which we will not go." "JoIene, Joette?" "Let's go in, girls." " We saw an ambulance!" " Dr HemmeI died." "Ah." "[makes fIatuIence sounds]" "Dennis, why don't you go and sit at the kids' table?" "Make me." " Are you retarded?" " Not according to the tests." "You just sit here and shut up." "[starts again]" " YoIanda!" " It's all over the place!" "He has a cold, uncle Joe." "He didn't want you to get sick." "Ed, your girls knocked over some milk." "well, uncle Joe, I guess you'II have to find a new doctor." "What for?" "Doctors, medicine." "Who needs 'em, huh?" "You know who you should talk to about this?" "glen." "This man keeps in shape." "It's discipline." "I exercise for a couple of weeks, that's it." "I admire you." "well, you know..." "could you fit all your exercise equipment into your new apartment?" "Frank!" " What new apartment?" " glen and MurieI are separa..." "That was a secret." "I feel horrible." " I couId cut out my tongue." " Here's a knife." " No, really, I'm..." " You split up?" "No." " No!" " No!" " Then why...?" " It's..." "You know I'm starting that new business?" "well, it takes a Iot of time and energy, and when I'm with J..." "MurieI, I just..." "I am so crazy about her that all I can think about is..." " You know." " Yeah." "So I thought I'd move out for a while and I'd be able to get some work done." "[fIatuIence sounds]" "It's nobody's business what you two do." "You have no kids." "You're both barren." "Frank, I almost forgot to ask you." "How is Tina's hit-and-run case coming?" " Hit-and-run case?" " Yeah." "When Tina got drunk and ploughed into that school bus?" "PIoughed?" "She just scraped paint off it." "The brakes failed." "Everyone was fine." "The kids, the nuns." "I just thank God she wasn't in one of those little sports cars like your girlfriend's." " They're death-traps." " What?" "His girlfriend drives a chrysler." "Big blue one." "She's not my girlfriend!" "She's an instructor at the gym." "I met..." "I Ieft my gym bag at the gym and she was bringing it back to me." "I guess you have time to notice these things now that you're not working." "What happened?" " Nothing." " Nothing." "There was a little cutback at Ed's place." "They let go of some of the employees that were..." "selling company secrets." "Pass the butter, please." "That's a lie and I'II prove it in court!" " This Friday, right?" " We got a continuance." "The court dockets were too filled with drunk-driving cases." "I skidded on a wet spot!" " Somebody get her a drink." " Get her a barrel." "please." "Why must this happen every time we get together?" "Can't this man have peace?" "Hasn't he earned it?" "delivering newspapers at four years old, his little toes frozen." " It's all right." " No." "We've lost our sense of values." "Maybe it's not mine to say, but Nora and I..." "Come up here, sweetie... and Joseph and Jonas and little Josiah on the way...we lead a simple life." "We have each other, and what the heck else is there?" "Joe-Joe, I'm just going to the market." "Oh!" "molly!" "Come here." "These are my nieces and nephews." "Everyone, this is molly." " Hi!" " Hi." " You wanted to see me?" " would you buy some Oreos?" "We wouldn't be out of Oreos if somebody hadn't eaten the insides and tossed the rest away, you naughty boy." "I'm old and rich." "I'II eat whatever parts I want." " If I want to eat the goddamn box, I will." " Who wound you up today?" " Better give me some money, then." " Here." "Take an extra hundred." "You might see something you want." "You are such a dear." " I'II see you later." " Bye." "toodles!" "These are good melons." "Yeah." "Sweet, juicy." " uncle Joe?" " Mm?" " Who...?" " Mm?" " Who...?" " Oh, that's molly." "She's living here." "Housekeeper?" "Secretary?" "well, not exactly." "She's sort of...my nurse." " Nurse?" " Yeah." "I decided I wanted a nurse." "Someone to ease my suffering." "An agency sent her?" "No, she delivered a pizza one night and we got to talking." "Turns out she'd Iike to be a nurse, so..." "Yeah, she helps out in various ways." "She's become very special to me." "[cheering]" "Yeah!" "[inaudible]" "Thank you, Fred." "hello, everyone." "I'm Chris SchenkeI." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "On behalf of the Pro bowlers Tour, we'd Iike to thank the people of milwaukee for their support." "The top five qualifiers tomorrow will begin play at 2.30." "Shit." "[female] You do this every time!" "You ruin every vacation." " [male] Shut up!" " [female] It's always "Let's drive a little further."" "[female] Then there's no place to stay and we wind up in a shithole!" "This is...this is unbelievable." "Everywhere I stay, I'm next to this couple." "[crockery smashes]" "Not literally them, but people just like them." " It's like a franchise." " [male] You made my Iife hell!" " [female] Kiss my ass!" " [male] That would take all night!" "[door slams]" "Oh, God." "You know, this is really stupid." "ABC gives me a suite at the Marriott and we're at the Bates motel." "Let's get out of here." "Honey, you know I get embarrassed at your hotel." "Everyone always says, "How's a schlep like McTeague afford the Marriott?"" ""He sleeps with Robin Hunter, the telecast producer."" ""really?" "He must screw better than he bowls."" "I do, don't I?" "I can't take it, Robin." "I can't do it any more." "What?" " I'm giving up bowling." " Why?" "My wrist." "It's a pre-arthritic condition and it's not going to get better." " You saw a doctor?" " No, AI the janitor at the bowling alley." "He seemed to know his stuff and took me right away." "Of course I saw a doctor!" "I don't know." "Cincinnati's the Iast tournament of the season." "I'm just going to bowl there and...that's it." "Sweetheart." "I'm sorry." "I just wish for once I couId've finished in the top five, gotten on the national telecast just once." "That would have been nice." " What are you going to do?" " well... some guys offered to make me a partner in this new bowling centre." "They offered me 25% interest for a 1 0% investment, 'cause I'd run it." "It's a good deal." " It's great." " only I don't have the cash." " They want 300,000." " Phew!" "So then I thought maybe I'd be happy teaching." "Yeah?" "only, then you'd always make more money than me." "Who cares about that crap?" "If you're happy teaching, then that makes me happy." "That's it." "That's all there is." "Her name is molly Richardson." "She's 24 years old." "She's english." "She came here two years ago as a nanny for a couple named HoIcomb." "When Mrs HoIcomb eventually fired her, Mr HoIcomb attempted to kill himself." "God." "She bounced from job to job:" "bikini model, physical therapist..." " We're dead." " ..until she started delivering pizzas." "It pays to have skills." "She moved in with Joe about three weeks ago and she's been there ever since." "As a nurse?" "She seems to spend most of her time swimming." " In the nude." "Here are some pictures." " What?" " Whoa." " Oh, my God." " Are they having sex?" " Grow up." "What do you think?" "She's going to get everything." "That's the way these old guys are." "Biggest son of a bitch ever:" "she touches his old noodle and his brains turn to frozen yoghurt." "You would know." "She'II screw him six feet under and get everything." "That's our money, and no english bitch is gonna screw us out of it." "Are they sleeping together?" "Is there proof?" " I need more time." " They're humping too quick for pictures?" " Let's get a better detective." " How do we know you're any good?" "She found out you were fired and that glen left MurieI." "My guy knew about Tina while the car was still spinning." "Yeah?" "Look at these pictures she got of glen and that gym instructor." "Yeah." "That's not me." "It looks like you and that's all that matters." " Use your gun!" " glen, cut it out!" "Come here." "Stop it." "Stop it!" "Don't you see what's happening here?" "Yeah, you're out of Scotch." "Oh, Tina, go lie down." "We caused this." "AII the backbiting and the greed and the detectives." "We've made each other look filthy." "Now it's come home to roost." "Not one of us has the credibility to convince uncle Joe that this girl is just after his money." "It's not our fault!" "It's his." "Sweet old uncle Joe." "We were all decent people till he got his hooks into us." "Except for Frank." "Frank was always a son of a bitch." "It's true." "uncle Joe does this to us." "He pulls our strings and makes us dance." "He's the devil." "Every time you draw a line in the dirt and say, "No farther,"" "he draws one an inch farther and you say, "Why not?"" ""I've come this far already."" "Then you look back and can't even see where you started." "Why don't we all stop here?" "Let this bimbo have his money." "Isn't our seIf-respect worth more than any inheritance?" "No." "Ed, we're just people." "Nobody could walk away from that much money." "daniel did." "Who's daniel?" " Our cousin." " What happened to him?" "He called uncle Joe a mean, greedy, cruel, grasping, evil, manipulative old man." " We all did." " But daniel said it to his face." "Grapes." " What?" " They were having grapes." "daniel started screaming about oppressed migrant workers." "Joe said the workers could go screw themselves in Macy's window and daniel let him have it." "I'II never forget it." "Remember the look on the old man's face?" "He died a little that night." "daniel went away." "He just went away." "Took his wife and son and..." "Man, did we hate his son." " How come?" " He was so cute, you know?" "You wanted to smash his little face in." " Where is he now?" " In brazil or somewhere, saving the rainforest or shit like that." "His wife died a few years ago, and young daniel's some kind of athlete." " A bowler, I think." " could we find him?" "[crowd cheering]" "Excuse me." "Wayne, come here." "What's happening?" "I've never seen him like this." "He's in the zone." " Where does he stand?" "What's...?" " Right now, fifth." " You mean he could be on TV tomorrow?" " Looks that way." " Yeah." " I am on fire!" " You're fifth." " I know!" "If I tell you something, will you be nervous?" " No way." "I'm in the zone." " OK." "I can turn the telecast into an enormous break for you." "I can build a whole show around you." ""cinderella Man"." "Even if you lose the first match." "Chris will interview you, you'II be funny, charming..." "Next year you could be wearing an ABC blazer." "Ooh, I got a chubby." "You've got to finish no worse than fifth." "I'm in the zone." "I'm up." "[girl in crowd] Come on, Danny!" "Ha!" "[crowd goes wild]" "Yes!" "[crowd] Oh!" " [man] Come on!" " [man] What's he doing?" " Danny." " It's nothing." "I just lost my line a little." " PetragIia just finished with a 289." " What?" "So?" "So you're still OK." "You're still fifth, but it's close." " AII right." "So what do I need?" " OK, last frame." " You need a mark and a three count." " Strike or a spare?" " And a three count." " OK, I got it." "I got it." "It's OK." "Get 'em, Danny." "He seem nervous to you?" "You couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor." "[crowd] Oh!" "When they lose this long, they don't know how to win." "Come on, Danny!" "[hushed crowd]" "Yeah!" "[man in crowd] Damn, baby!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "AII right." "AII right." "Just three more pins." " Yeah." "I'II be..." " Danny." "I'II be right back." "Then we'II celebrate." "Urgh!" "[crowd gasps]" "Oh, my God!" "[Danny] Aw!" "feeling better?" " I'm going out to get some more liquor." " I don't think that's a good idea." "really?" "I think it's a great idea." " You're in your underwear!" " So now I can't go out in my underwear?" " Danny..." " What?" "Just because I'm a miserable failure, you think you can tell me what to do?" "Let me tell you, Miss High-Powered Network Big Shot" "Don't I Look Hot In My ABC blazer, I am still a man!" "And if I want to go out in my underwear, I am going out in my underwear!" "If I want to go out with no underwear, I'm going out with no underwear." " You got that?" " Go ahead." "OK, I guess we know who's boss, huh?" " You need a doctor." " Why don't you just say it?" " Say what?" " You know. "Danny, you blew it."" ""You choked." "You had it and you lost it!" "You just never had the guts to win!"" " What a shitty thing to say!" " I didn't say it." " You're thinking it." " well, yeah, I'm thinking it!" "You hit a car." "You could have killed somebody." "The way I bowl?" "You know," "I never regretted a moment until tonight." "AII those years of losing...this was the first time I've felt like a loser." "Come here." "Come on." "OK." "Great." "Now I'm impotent." " We just kissed for two seconds." " usually we're showering by now." "[knock]" "That's probably the manager." "Who are you?" " daniel McTeague?" " No shit." "That's my name, too." "No." "I'm Laura Dinsmore." "I'm a private detective." "You're a detective?" "Great." "help me find my pants." " Mr McTeague." " Just a minute." "Do you have any where she's leaning over a saddle looking coy?" "Is your father still in brazil?" " Dad?" " Yeah." "No, that was years ago." "He's been in Ethiopia, chile, Uruguay." "He was with the Kurds for a while." "Wherever there's injustice, you can find my dad." "You see, you two have never met him." "He's a great man, but he..." "When I was a kid, he gave away my toys to the poorer kids." "Not just the broken toys, I mean the good toys." "Then he'd want me to be happy about it." "The family was thinking, if your dad would try to make up with Joe..." "Look, my dad hated these people." "He said they worshipped money above all things, especially uncle Joe." " They're just..." " Why don't you go back?" "If you could help, you'd share in the inheritance, whichever relative got it." "Oh, please." "What, I'm going to become like them?" "Kiss up to my uncle and wait for him to die?" "No, I'd rather the naked Limey chick got the money." "Sorry." "No." "It's nice to meet an honest man." "especially in your family." "Oh." "Sorry about your car." "That's all right, it's a rental." "If you change your mind, give me a call." " Night." " Goodnight." " You coming inside?" " He taught me how to bowl." "Who did?" " uncle Joe." " really?" "What do you think, honey?" "should I go back there?" " well, I mean, if you hate him anyway..." " No, I don't hate him." "No, my dad hated him." "I was just a kid." "He was really nice to me." "well..." "Who am I kidding?" "I was thinking of going back to see my uncle because I..." "I thought he might loan me money for that bowling alley." "people borrow money from relatives all the time." " But my family..." " You know you're a decent person." "Just decide what you want to do and don't beat yourself up over it." "OK?" "Maybe my relatives have changed." "Maybe they're not so ridiculous any more." "# Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday, Uncle Joe" "# Happy birthday to you #" " Happy birthday, sir." " blow 'em out..." "Presents!" "I Iike presents, especially from people who love me." "And who would that be?" "We've got something very special for you." " I said cut the crap!" " Come on." " I can see your panties!" " Stop it." "Right now." "Come on." " Get off!" " cool it!" " Why don't you listen to me?" "Shithead." " Stop it." "Both of you." "A movie?" "I haven't liked a movie since De mille died." " You'II like this one." " Yeah?" " should the kids leave the room?" " No, no." "I'II get the lights." " Leave it alone!" " would you stop it?" "Come on, guys, sit down." " See, I told you." " Shut up!" "Tell me more." "Tell me about what's happening in Asia." "Remember this party?" "You hired those people to come in and film it?" "We shouldn't have advisers there." "We'll get into a full Asian land war." "You're such a beatnik, Daniel." "Sandals and white socks, that's you." "The French, they knew when to get out." "Hitler swapped them a bottle of wine for their country." "They took it." "They..." "Why are you filming this?" "I'm not paying you to film this." "You..." "Where's my special boy?" " Where's Uncle Joe's special boy?" " Here I am, Uncle Joe." "Carl, get in touch with reality." "Where's Little Danny?" "Where's my special little boy?" "I'm right here." "There you are." "Here, film this." "This is why I hired you." "You gonna do Durante?" " Yeah." " Good boy." "Come on." "[as Durante] # lnka dinka doo A dinka dee a dinka doo" "# Oh, what a tune for croonin' # lnka dinka doo a dinka dee a dinka doo # lt's got the whole world...swoonin'" "# Eskimo belles up in... [ as Durante] Stop the musicl Stop the music." "Folks, I want to welcome you to my Great-Uncle Joe's 50th birthday party." "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha" "Remember, Uncle Joe..." "# Start off each day with a song" "# Even when things go wrong" "# You'll feel better, you'll even look better # l'm here to tell you you got to be go-getter" "# 'Cause you know that you can't go wrong" "# When you start off each day with a song #" " Yeah." " Yeahl" "Good boy." "uncle Joe, here's our present." " Who the hell is this?" " It's Danny." "Danny Junior." "We found him for you for your birthday." " Danny?" " uncle Joe." "Happy birthday." "little Danny!" "Hug him." "Go hug him." "Stop the music, huh?" " Hey!" " Hey." "What a present!" " Is your...?" " What?" " Are you alone?" " Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "well, Iet's go break the pinata." "You can do it!" "Come on, get him!" "Hit the pig!" "douglas looks the same as he did 25 years ago." "This is his son." " Come on, douglas!" "You can do it!" " [uncle Joe] Keep going." "So your cousins brought you here, huh?" "Yeah, it was their idea." "I wonder what made them suddenly decide to do that." "Don't know, huh?" " I couldn't..." " They tell you about molly?" "Yeah." " Yeah, they did." " [molly] Come on, you can do better than that." "She's your new nurse, right?" " What do you think about that?" " Hey." "You worked hard." "You're entitled." "What do you really think?" "I think it's ridiculous." "I mean, I'm watching you, you can barely wear your hat." "douglas, stop playing around and fetch me a beer." "My pleasure, sir." "What are you two talking about?" "I was telling Danny about molly." "How important she's become to me." "I've been thinking that she's the person in the world who's become closest to me." "The person I'd most like to see have some happiness, some good fortune." "But seeing little daniel again has made me think about...family." "After all is said and done, maybe family comes first, mm?" "molly!" "What do you think?" "Does family come first?" "I suppose it depends on the family, really." "How wise." "How deep, how pithy." "family, friends...who can choose?" " Know what I'd Iike?" " [all] What?" "I'd Iike Danny to do Jimmy Durante for me." " Yes!" " Yeah, come on!" " That would be just so happy-making." " Yeah." "No." "Jesus!" "This is pathetic." " Shut up and do Durante." " You do Durante!" "This is demented." "This wasn't such a good present after all." "molly, honey." "Let's go inside." "Your family's here." "They all want to be with you." "But I'd rather just be with you." "AII right, then." "First let me get some sweeties." " Danny, are you married?" " No." " girlfriend?" " Yeah, I have a girlfriend." "Bring her around tomorrow." "Two o'cIock." "We'II go swimming." "Swimming." "Great." "I feel like a goddamn tea bag." "Sorry, sir." " Let me ask you, Robin." " Yes, sir." " Do you ever produce basketball games?" " I will, next season." "You know what I hate?" "When the camera's on the stands on some moron and his face is painted blue and white, and I miss a basket." " So do I." " Danny." "And you?" "You going to bowl the rest of your life?" "Hit the senior tours?" "actually, I've given up bowling." "I have this injury." "Oh, yeah, it's a rough sport." "I was going to go back to college." "You know, get a teaching degree." "You'II never make the same money as Robin." "We've decided that that's not important." "Right." " douglas!" " Yes, sir?" "Much obliged, sir." "May I change now, sir?" " Go dance the huIIy-guIIy for all I care." " Thank you, sir." "Yeah, I know, teaching's a wondertuI thing." "Very noble." "bowling ten years, that leads to nothing?" " You just throw those ten years away?" " well, I..." "What?" "I have this opportunity to invest in a bowling centre." "It's an excellent deal." " But I'm..." " Short of money." "Yeah." " How much?" " It's $300,000." "[whistles Durante tune]" "Danny, come in the pool." "Ah..." "Just..." "Ph!" "Pah!" " Is this salt water?" " Yeah." "helps me float." "This belt's not enough." "I can't use my legs." "tell you what, I'II wrestle you for the money." " What?" " I'II wrestle you." "If you win, I'II give you $300,000." "If I win, you owe me nothing." "[nervous laugh]" "Show that girlfriend of yours what you're made of." "Yeah, definitely." "I'm gonna beat up an elderly crippled man and she's gonna say, "What a catch!"" " Can your feet touch?" " No." "Good." "[cries out]" " Danny?" " Come on, bowler!" " help me!" "Oh, man!" " Joe-Joe, that's enough." "Let him up." "help!" "[uncle Joe screams then Danny joins in]" " I win the first round." "Two out of three." " No!" "You heard him." "He quit." "Where is he?" " You OK?" " Get me out, honey." "Jesus!" "You got the grip of a bear!" "40 years of lifting scrap metal." "And I Iike to win." "Yeah, well." "I'II give you the money." "300,000." "It's yours." " You mean like a Ioan?" " No, no, no." "It's yours." "A gift." "You're different from the others." "You're better." "And for all the times you made me laugh." "# lnka dinka dinka dinka dink #" "uncle Joe, this is..." "I don't..." " still see your father?" " What?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "I baiI him out of jail, we make a day of it." " Strange man." " well, yeah, strange, sure." "But with principles he believes in." "I want you to call him from here." " really?" " Yeah." "That's really great." "Because it's been too many years, and it's silly..." "tell him you came to me for money and I'm giving it to you." "You realise he was wrong and I was right." "And you need what I've got more than what he's got." "tell him and I'II give you the money." "Robin, we're leaving." "You know there's something sicker about you than your legs?" "How about you, molly?" "Wanna wrestle?" "Douglas!" "[thunder]" " You had us worried." " About what?" "Well, we put Uncle Joe to bed and we realised how late it was, and we got concerned about you." "Monday nights I go to this news-stand to get the new TV Guide for Joe." "He likes to get it early so he can circle everything he wants to watch." "Does he circle your ass?" "You really are a stupid sod, aren't you?" "I'm going to bed." "Uncle Joe was sprawled out up there." "You might want to push him to one side." " You think I'm bonking the old gent." " Yeah, we do." "Let me tell you, handsome." "If I were having sex with your Uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now." "Yeah, that's right." "You're just his nurse." "Huh!" "Yeah, I believe that." "Excuse me a second." "Ha-ha-ha!" "I'm no more a nurse than you are a human being." "I'm here because I'm fun." "And I'm fun to look at." "I don't mind, because I like it here." "I like the car, the house, the comfort." "My life hasn't always been comfortable." "Also, I like your Uncle Joe." "He's tough, he's funny and he's nice to me." "But I'm not a whore." "And if he asked me to sleep with him, I'd leave." "Goodnight." "It took you one day to get rid of Danny." "Impressive, but that is not our last move!" "Move?" "You mean Danny's part of you?" " We've been nice." " But these are the finals, honey." " We're diving for every ball." " What?" "I didn't like the Beatles and I don't like you." " You know, you're insane." " Listen!" "People have accidents." " What?" " Frank, what are you saying?" "I'm saying people have accidents, that's all." " Got you, boss." " OK." "Here." " Take over." " Yes, sir." " You still work here." " l love this place." "Who wouldn't?" "What do you want to see me about?" "Short and sweet. I figured you came back sucking around for money, that you were like the others." "Maybe you're not." "So I apologise." "OK?" "Go home now." "God, that was lovely." "I'm getting a little weepy." "You're still a funny kid." "Not as cute as you used to be, though." "Yeah, well, you're no Monet yourself." "Well, I lived in the streets till I was 20." "I was homeless before it was popular." "Can we go inside a second?" "I'm sorry that after all these years I even mentioned money." "I didn't mean to." "Maybe I did." "But anyway, I'm sorry I did." "Still want the money?" "Jesus, you don't let up." "Look, money's money, OK?" "I need it just like everybody else." "But money is not going to turn me into a sycophantic ass-licking wacko." "I have work to do." "Thanks for coming over." "Before you go, could you get me a cup of water?" "It's hot in here." "Yeah, OK." "Hello?" "Long lsland Hauling?" "I got a load sitting out here for a week." "Fieldstone 855..." "What?" "What do you mean, they're out of business 25 years?" "I call them every day." "Joe?" " Joe?" " 25 years." "Should I go get someone?" "Are you...?" " l'm going to get someone." " Danny!" " Stay here." " Are you all right?" "I have gaps." "Lapses. I..." " How often?" " More lately. I'm hurting the business." "What?" "No, I mean, I'm sure... lf your cousins find out, they'll take me to court." "They'll declare me incompetent." "They'll pick me clean like buzzards." "They'll put me away." "I have an idea." "Lock the door." "Quick!" "Get a chair." "Come on." " lt's really my lawyer's idea." " OK." "He says that I can turn all my affairs, give everything over to one person now, before this gets worse, which it will." "Someone I trust who'll take care of me, who'll take care of the business." "You understand?" "Yeah." "I don't want to go into a home." "I wouldn't let that happen." " You wouldn't?" " No." "You understand?" "This person gets control of my money now." "Not when I'm dead." "Now." "All of it." "Yes." "I'll do it. I'm going to call my lawyers, set up a meeting for next week." "I'm going to sign these and turn everything over to Molly." "Right." "Because I..." " To Molly?" " Yes." "She's been so kind to me." "Nobody's ever been so kind." " You're giving everything to Molly?" " Yeah." "Who did you think I meant?" "You thought I meant you." "No!" "No." " But Molly?" " You think it's a mistake." "I don't know, I... I want to make love to her." " Joe." " lf l did this, she... she'd make love to me." "Don't you think?" "Joe, look." "A lot of women will do that for a lot less money." "No. I want her." "This doesn't sound so good to me." "I just don't think that you're being... I just don't think that you've had time to think this through." "I'm so tired of thinking, "Who should I trust?" "Who's not just after my money?"" "Danny, help me. I'm exhausted. I..." "Maybe I should leave all the money to you." "Well, why don't...?" "Why don't we talk about this later?" "OK?" "All right." "In the meantime, I think it would be best if you just don't do anything." "All right." "I'm so tired." "Get Douglas to take me home." "I'll be right back." "[commentator] Throws and shoots...and scores!" "Gimme the guy in the stands with the blue and white face." "That's good." "Hold it." "Take it." "It was the saddest thing you ever saw." "This tough old guy just shrivelled up." "Dick, get ready to throw to a commercial." "Honey, I'm concentrating." " Coe scores!" " You missed the basket!" "Dick, sign off and go to commercial." " Music!" " [assistant] We're a minute under." "You missed the basket for the guy with the painted face." "Wait a minute." "Who's directing this, you or me?" "Let me check." "That's my ass!" "That's my ass in the director's chair!" "Shit!" "I must be the director!" " Stan, we're back in 20." " No, it's OK." "This guy'll do it." "Here you go." "Slide right in here, slugger." "Get me a wide shot, then zoom in." "Get outta here!" "I'm just getting the hang of this." " lt was nice meeting you and your ass!" " That's nice." "Give me another shot of the painted face." "What a pinhead." "I have to work with that pinhead, so I'll meet you at... I just wanted to tell you that I'm moving in with Uncle Joe for a while." "Really?" "Honey, I gotta keep an eye on him." "He's not all there." "He's thinking of giving that naked pizza girl $20 million." "Yeah, that does seem wrong." "But who should get it?" "Your cousins?" "God, what a crew." "Klingons." "Well, he sort of mentioned that he might..." " What?" " That he might give it to me." "I'm not taking it that seriously." "That's not why I'm going over there." "I'm just..." "I'm worried about him." "Still, it's a funny idea, isn't it?" "You, me." "Married." "Living in that big house." "Yeah, it's funny." "[# Steve Wood:" "Money Slips Through My Fingers]" "Don't forget, you owe me a dollar for the shoes." "Anyway, as I was saying, my lawyer says I can turn all my money, everything, over to one person." "Now." " You understand?" " Yes." " l don't want to end up in a home." " You won't." "I'm gonna do it." "I'll set up a meeting for next week and I'm gonna turn everything over to Danny." "Danny?" "It was his idea." "Who did you think I...?" "You thought I meant you." " No." "No, I just..." " Molly, what would people say?" "How would it look?" "What do you really know about this bloke?" "You haven't seen him in 25 years." "He shows up here wanting money for a bowling alley." "I don't know. I don't know who to trust." "Maybe I should leave all my money to you." "Joe-Joe." "Yes!" " Did you see that?" " Yeah." "Excuse me." "You have a call from Washington DC, sir." "I'll take it upstairs." "You stay here with Danny." "Talk." "Enjoy yourself." "Let's go, Douglas." "You're working for your cousins, aren't you?" "Wait a minute." "How?" "Who?" "They let it slip out the other night before they threatened to kill me." "They did what?" "Tell your cousins I'm not afraid of them." "And you leave Joe alone." "You keep your breasts off his eyebrows." " Hey, you little..." " Get off!" " Come on!" " Mommy!" "It's good." "What's happening, Wonder Boy?" "I mean, look at this." "Her tongue is practically in his wallet." "What are you drinking?" "It's a 7-Up. I'm not much of a drinker." "You will be." "There's something I wanted to ask you." " Did you go and see Molly and...?" " No." "Let me finish." "All right?" "Did you go and see Molly and threaten to kill her?" "What?" "You see how evil she is?" "You see what we're dealing with?" "Why, we..." "We went to her to ask her if Joe's taking his medication." "You know, for his...circulation." "She said, "That's for me to know and for you to worry about."" "She said that?" "Then I said, "l could kill you for that." OK, now you know the truth." "God." "First couple of days I was here, she seemed so nice." "That's before she saw you as a threat." "We should have him declared incompetent." "Throw him in a home." " A home?" " You know, for his own protection." "I hear things at the scrapyard." "There is something wrong with him." "He screws things up, makes crazy deals." "He forgets deals he's made." "Have you noticed anything we could use to put the old man away?" "No." "Keep your eyes open." "And do something!" "That's what you're here for." "Joe?" "Joe!" "Joe." "Here, have some water." "Cough it up." "Joe, drink some water!" "[Molly] Joe." "That's it." "Piece of fruit." "She tried to kill him." "She knows he has a narrow gullet." "All the McTeagues do!" "Shut up." "She's the only one who helped me." "I tried to help you, Uncle Joe, but Carl stopped me!" " Liar!" " Happy birthday, Uncle Joe!" "That was last week." "You people are..." "Come on, Molly. I've lost my appetite." "I've made a decision." "Here I am, Uncle Joe." "[as Durante] Hello, folks." "This is Jimmy Durante." "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" "# Inka dinka doo a dinka dee a dinka doo" "# Oh, what a tune for crooning'..." " Danny." " No, honey." "# Inka dinka doo a dinka dee a dinka doo" "# It's got the whole world swoonin'" " Danny." " Stop the music!" "Stop the music." "Everybody wants to get into the act!" "Remember, Uncle Joe..." "# You gotta start off each day with a song" "# Even when things go wrong" "# You'll feel better, you'll even look better" "# I'm here to tell you that you'll be a go-getter" "# 'Cause you know That things can't go wrong" "# When you start off each day with a song..." "Just those in wheelchairs!" "[both] # Cause you know That things can't go wrong" "# When you start off each day with a song" "Big finish!" "# When you start off each day with a song... #" "Ha-cha-cha-cha!" "You're something." "Robin." "Hey." "Where you going?" "I'm just a little "lnka-dinka-do'd" out." "What, do you think I enjoyed that?" "A week ago, you said it was pathetic." "Now you're singing, dancing and sliding down a banister?" "Honey, she's a vixen." "She's not giving him his medicine, she's gonna get his money and dump him in a home. I know this." "So it's not the money, it's your uncle." "Exactly." "He's opened up his heart to me, you know." "We've rekindled something that we haven't had since I was a kid." "I mean, we got a bond growing here." "Danny, I love you and I believe in you." "But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit?" " No." " lt's just the money." " lt's not." " Mr Daniel." "Your uncle has requested another chorus." " Come with me." "Just leave." " All my stuff's here." " All my clothes." " l've seen your clothes." "Just leave." "Shall I tell him you're coming, sir?" "It's not the money." "[Danny as Durante] He's back!" "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" " More wine, sir?" " No, thank you, Douglas." " ls the chicken Kiev satisfactory?" " lt's excellent." "Could you tell the cook that tomorrow I'd like to have broiled salmon again?" " Very good, sir." " ls my uncle going to swim today?" "He's not at home, sir." "He took the shuttle to Washington." " Business trip." " Yes and no, sir." " What does that mean?" " He took Miss Molly along." "He did?" "Yes." "He had me book the honeymoon suite at the Coolidge Hotel." "Honeymoon?" "More wine, sir?" "This is a matter of life or death." "These are Mr McTeague's pills." "I have to get them to him in two minutes and 45 seconds. I need the room number!" "I'm sorry, sir." "Mr McTeague was very specific." "No one is to have his room number." " l'll see to it that he gets the pills and..." " No!" "No!" "No, you don't understand." "These pills only work if I give them to him myself. lt's a very rare condition." "Excuse me, sir." "Does this say "moron"?" "I will leave him your message." "Would you like a room?" "I'm his nephew." " Oh, his nephew." " Yes." "Because he gave specific instructions not to give his room number to relatives." "What's the matter with you?" "Do you not care about this hotel's reputation?" "There is an old man shacked up here with a very young girl." "Sir, most of these rooms have old men with young girls." "This is Washington." "All right, listen, pal." "Just give me... ..a room." "A cheap one." "Of course." "[Uncle Joe] Come on, Molly." "Drink up." "[knocking]" "Yeah, come in. lt's open." "Right there." " Leaving?" " Yeah." " Where's Molly?" " She's taking a walk." "We had a fight." "Nothing serious, I hope." "Be honest." "Do you think Molly would even like me if I wasn't rich?" "Look, I don't want to say anything against her." "But like you say, let's be honest." "How many girls like that are with poor old guys?" " Take some towels." " What?" "For what they charge, you should take everything." "I'm trying to figure out a way to get the bed out of here." "You are some piece of work, do you know that?" "She's a good kid." "That's why she can't..." "She can't..." "can't just get herself to..." "You know." "You mean you two didn't...?" "No." "You know, I never believed that anyone could love me for me." "How could I, when my own mother didn't?" "She didn't?" "She left me and my brother at a..." "..at a home in Albany when I was three." "No note, no nothing." "Never asked about us." "Never said, "l'm sorry."" "Your mother has to love you." "Right?" "So even if no one else does, she has to, doesn't she?" "Well, if my own mother couldn't love me, I..." "I... I love you, Uncle Joe." "You do?" "Yeah, I do." "Take me home, Danny." "[Robin] He's throwing her out of the house?" "Honey, just wait a second, will you?" " Danny!" " Honey, I had no choice." "She wasn't going to bring him back till she got what she wanted." "You mean until she got what you wanted." "Honey, it's not like that." "Look, Uncle Joe and I, we talked." "I mean, we really talked." "He's been in Washington." "Some military contract." " Oh, yeah?" " We're going to go and see his attorneys." "From now on, honey, I'm going to be responsible for him." "I'm gonna be here with him, and...you know." "Rich." " What about the deal with your cousins?" " My cousins are animals!" "They would put him in a home if they could." "I'll take care of their children, you know, give each kid like a scholarship or something, but my cousins don't deserve anything." " You bastard!" " Frank, no!" " Whatever happened to "Hello"?" " We heard every word." " Did you listen at my door?" " Always." " l had no idea how sick you guys were." " Come spend a day with us." " l'd rather shove this up my ass." " l'll do it." " You're playing a lone hand, huh?" " l never agreed to anything with you." "I only said I'd see how things were with my uncle." "I saw, and it made me sick." " You bastard." " l like it better from her. lt's the accent." " l thought I'd find you together." " We're not together." "Right." "Do you know, I thought you were different than the others." "But you're exactly the same." "I am looking out for my uncle, OK?" "For his welfare." "Bullshit." "They were willing to wait until he died." "But you're going to eat him raw." " Wait." "Danny is not like that." " Try to remember something, OK?" "In the long run, nobody likes a tease." "You are a cheap, chiselling, low-life hustler." " [Carl] You said it!" " Well, it takes one to spot one." " Stop it!" " Great!" "Now you stop it, after she gets in a shot." "I'll give you half a million dollars to leave." "Cash." "Soon as I get the money." "Better than delivering pizza, even in a good year." "She gets that and we get a couple of lousy scholarships?" "That's not fair!" "No, I will give you half a million dollars and you leave." "You'll give me half a million?" "I'm getting it all!" "He sees right through you." "You're a walking fish-tank, baby." " You and your tan tushy can..." " l'll sleep with him." "What?" " What, you're...you're gonna...?" " As soon as he gets back from work." "I'll give him a right good one." "You..." "See, it wouldn't..." "He wouldn't be interested in that." "It wouldn't even matter." "It'll matter. I'll make it matter." "# Inka dinka doo #" "Molly." "Do you know that both of my daughters are named Molly?" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "You think she'll do it?" "Yes, I do." "You've given her no choice." "She'll do it just to beat you." "Oh, Jesus." "You think it'll work?" "A young girl with a body like that?" "There'll be nothing left of him but a smile and an old hat." "Welcome home, Joe." "Hello, Molly." "[inaudible] I'm tired. I'm going upstairs." "Uncle Joe!" "Wait!" "Sir, will you need my assistance?" "No, Molly will assist me." "Oh, I see." "Very good, sir." "Let's go." "Sir?" "May I ask for a reference before you go upstairs?" "Not now, Douglas." "Goodbye, sir." "Uncle Joe, wait!" "Please wait." " l have a surprise for you." " Danny, don't." "Up we go." "His face!" "Did you see it?" "I've never been in one of these before." "[Uncle Joe] Hang on!" "Molly, let me say something." "No." "Don't say anything." " A little young for you, ain't she, Joe?" " Who's there?" "Hi, Joe. lt's been a long time." " lt's Daniel." " Daniel?" " What are you...?" "You got so old." " You're no Monet yourself." "Molly, this is my cousin Daniel." "Danny's father." "Danny asked me to come." "He's got a real regard for you." "He made me think that maybe things are different than the way I remember them." "But they're not, are they?" "It's still the same." "God, this place still stinks from greed." "Those who have it... and those who want it." "Dad!" " Hello, Daniel." " You came!" "That was great of you." " l'm leaving." " What?" "God." "They're all still here." "First your parents, now you." "He'll outlive your children and leave them nothing." "You wanna lighten up?" "You know who ruins this world?" "The greedy." "That's it." "They have it. I want it." "I have it. I want more." "That's the real pollution." "Greed." "You know who I think ruins the world?" "Pompous, self-righteous, holier-than-thou middle-aged fanatics in pony-tails who give away their kids' toys!" " He's got you too, huh?" " No, he doesn't have me." " Can't the truth be in between?" " No!" "One way is all right, one way is all wrong." "His way or my way." "Pick." " Dad." " Pick!" " You are just so..." " Pick!" "All right, then I pick him." "At least he doesn't take himself so goddamn seriously." "I'm leaving." "Why?" "I can't believe I was almost going to screw the old boy for money." "I suppose maybe I've always been here for the money." "Christ, I make myself sick." "I have to get out of here." "I understand." "You'll take care of him, won't you?" "Of course." "You're not going to put him in a home?" "Never." "Bye." "Hey." "You OK?" "Yeah." "God, that was some scene with your father. I just..." "What?" "That wasn't my father." "What?" "That was an actor." "My father wouldn't come here on a bet." " So you just...?" " lt was my only shot, honey." "He wanted me to pick him over my father." "Yes, and you said you never would." "I didn't. I picked him over an actor." " Don't touch me." " What?" " Hey." "Come on." "What's the matter?" " Danny." "You dropped your compass in the woods and you're lost." "I'm not lost." " You don't see how sick this is?" " No!" " Who got hurt?" " The truth got hurt." "OK?" "Integrity, self-respect, decent human behaviour got hurt." "I will be good to him." "Tell me who else will be as good." " That's not the point." " No, that is the point." "We've been through a lot together and I think I've been pretty loyal." "Honey, you've been great." "But if you touch one cent of your uncle's money, we're through." " What are you, crazy?" " l mean it." "If you take any of that money, I will have no respect for you." "Jesus!" "You sound like my father." "No, I sound like the actor who played your father." "Enjoy your money." " Daniel McTeague Junior." " Here." "Your great-uncle has chosen, for reasons I assume he's explained, to transfer to you all his assets, including full control of his commercial, personal and financial affairs." "My boy." "My good boy." "I would like to give you a full picture of your great-uncle's holdings." "The McTeague Scrap Metal Company, comprising scrapyards, trucking..." "Excuse me." "Uncle Joe, there's something I'd like to explain to you." "First of all, when I came to your birthday party that time, I had no idea this was going to happen." "I wasn't after your money." "I know that." "That's why I love you." "Joe. I have to tell you something." "What?" "I'm... going to take such good care of you." "You're a good boy." "is that it?" " Yeah." " Well, that was lovely." "As I was saying, the McTeague Scrap Metal Company, comprising..." " Stop!" "Sign nothing!" " What the hell is this?" "Oh, my, my, my." "If deceit has a name, it's his name!" "Daniel, is it true?" "is everything these gerbils have been telling me true?" "Dad." "Dad?" "Yes, Dad." "Daniel McTeague Senior, his father." "His real father, not the actor he hired to come to your house last night." "Danny." "They told me that, Daniel." "is it true?" "Yeah. lt's true." "You hired an actor to pretend he was me, and then pretended to fight with him?" "And told him you preferred Uncle Joe to me?" "Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kind of bad." "I know we've had our differences." "And I know you think I'm strange." "No." "No, Dad." "I am." "But I've always respected you, Daniel." "Always." "I've always felt you had real character." "Ha-ha!" " Does money mean this much to you?" " No." "I didn't go and see Uncle Joe for the money." "We made a deal. lf he kept the money in the family, he'd get a cut." "Right?" " Yes, but..." " Then he double-crossed us." "Because they're scum!" "They're greedy!" "We're greedy?" "We were willing to share." "Dad." "I don't know what happened." "I just got...sucked in." "First one thing didn't seem wrong, then another, until..." "Nothing seemed wrong." "I know." "That's why I left." " How are you, Joe?" " l'm still eating grapes." " Uncle Joe." " Save it." "OK, Joe." "Bare knuckles, toe to toe." "We've spent 20 years eating your shit and saying, "Mm!" "What a cook." No more." "We've hired attorneys." "If we don't get our share, we'll get you declared incompetent." "And we'll win, because we found out things." "You've got toys in the attic." "Broken toys." "And we'll hammer on you until you cave in." "Understand?" " Or is your mind already gone?" " All right!" "Sit down." "All of you." " Uncle Joe..." " Quiet." "Go ahead." "As I was saying before the circus came to town, your uncle's holdings at their peak held a net - net, mind you - financial value of just under $25 million." "At the moment, however, he is $95,000 in debt." " Wait a minute." "He's...?" " ln debt beyond the value of his assets." "The room, is it doing this?" "I fear this has come as a shock to you." "No." "Shitting a sailboat, that's a shock." "This is a fucking catastrophe!" "The trip to Washington was not for a military contract." "It was to work out an arrangement with the irs to keep Joe out of jail." "That has been accomplished, but everything is lost." "Plus some arrangement must be made for the 95,000." "How the hell do you lose $25 million?" "It's easier than you think." "I overextended, made loans, some claims the government wouldn't allow." " The penalties were..." " Hold it. I don't believe this." "It's another one of his tricks." "A little test!" "I will put you in touch with the irs." "They'll give you a full accounting and a brochure for the auction." " Auction?" " They're taking my home." "Damn it!" "Stupid, stupid!" "We played along!" "We should've stepped in five years ago!" "Two would have been enough." "You stupid, pathetic old man." "Goddamn it!" "One more word out of you, I'll kick your ass so high up you'll take off your shirt to shit!" "Come on." "Come on, bowling boy!" "Stop it!" "Frank, cut it out!" " Stop!" "I've got a metal plate in my head." " You do?" "No!" " That's enough." " Get security to the conference room." "That's enough." "Get over here." "Meathead!" "You're insane, you know that?" "Me?" "For five years, I begged you, let's put him in a home!" "No, you didn't want to." "You didn't have the balls!" "None of you have any balls!" "Frank?" "I've been waiting to do this a long time." "Stop it." "Come on." " l want them out of here!" " lt's all right!" "We were..." "We were just leaving, anyway." " What do we do now?" " Nothing!" "We wait around and dance at his funeral." "You're still here." "How long have you known you were broke?" "About a year." "A year." "So this whole time you were...what?" "Schmucking with me?" "Every second." "Danny, please, I had to find out, to know who'd care for me when they knew I had nothing." "And care will be required." "Your uncle's condition is degenerative, and whoever assumes control over his finances must oversee the liquidation of his assets, be responsible for the outstanding balance, and, of course, there's our bill." "We will need you to sign these papers." "If you'd just told me the truth." "I mean, I'm not saying I'm a perfect guy or anything, but then maybe I could have felt some compassion, some responsibility." "Just the truth!" "The truth is, I'm an old guy." "I'm broke. I need help." "Not now!" "Then." "Now's no good." "Now's too late." "I crawled. I begged." "I lost my girlfriend." "I hate that you did this." "Danny, I had to." "I had to find out who loved me." " Who..." " Nobody." "Nobody loved you." "Why should they?" "What's there to love?" "What about you is there to love?" "I want a camera on the kid's father when the kid's shooting the free throws." "If he misses, the expression on the dad's face is another Emmy." "Find the dad." " Mike, go back." " Hey!" " Stop!" " Girlie, if you don't sit down..." "Will you shut up a second?" "[man] I'll meet you over there." "What happened?" "Uncle Joe was broke." " Come on." " Broke." "No, not just broke. ln debt." "Everybody pushing and shoving, and all the time the trough was empty." "When did I get so obsessed with money?" "When did that happen?" "I mean, you've known me for years." "I was never like that." "Was I?" "No." " What's going to happen to him?" " Uncle Joe?" "I assume my cousins will hang him." "No, really." "Really." "I don't know. I don't care." "You don't?" "Allow me to face up to it." "I wasn't there for him." "I was there for the money, boom." "That time when he told you how scared he was to go into a home?" "You told me you felt sorry for him." "I did." "But don't you see?" "It was an act." "He was putting on an act." " Anybody would have felt sorry for him." " Even your cousins?" "[workman] Make sure you get plenty of padding on there!" "Put it in last." "Douglas." "Douglas." "Where's Uncle Joe?" "I couldn't say, sir." "I'm no longer in your uncle's employ." " What?" " He can no longer pay my wages." "Wages?" "Don't you care what happens to him?" "Very droll, sir." "Most amusing, sir." " Watch your back." "Coming through." " Where is he, in a nursing home?" "Out of the question." "He can't afford it." "Hey." "What...?" "What's he going to do?" "He can go dance the hully-gully for all I care." "Good day, sir." "[doctor being paged over tannoy]" "Where's your hat?" "Went in the auction." "A buck's a buck." "Your lawyer told me you were here." "What are you doing in the hospital?" "I didn't feel good, stupid." " But a county ward?" " lt's all I can afford." "Ironic, huh?" "I'm right back where my mother left me." "You call me stupid." "Work your way up from nothing, from the street, you piss it all away." "Did you just come to cheer me up, or what?" " Come on." "Where's all your crap?" " Huh?" "Your stuff." "They didn't bring you in naked, did they?" " ln my bag." " All right, come on, let's go." " Where?" " What, suddenly you're particular?" "You're coming with me." "Robin and I are getting married." "We decided to adopt you." " You and Robin...?" " We wanted to start a family anyway." "At least this way we know what we're getting." "Signed you up for Little League." "Don't embarrass me." "My son." "Okey-doke." "Watch your fingers." "Hi, honey, I'm home!" "Look what the stork brought us." " Hi, Uncle Joe." " Hello, Robin." "Danny bought me a hat." "Smart choice." "Well, this is my place, and I think we'll all be very comfortable here." " Would you like to see your room?" " Sure." " Great." " Here we go." "There's a bed coming, and furniture." "We can squeeze this stuff into our room." " What do you think?" " l don't like it." " Robin went to a lot of trouble here." " Sorry. I don't like it." "Well...we could trade rooms." "Come here." "Danny and I will stay in there and you can have this room." "How about that?" "I don't like it." "It's probably temporary." "In a year or so, Danny and I will buy a house." "I won't like it." "He's great, isn't he?" "He's like corn that gets stuck in your teeth." "You keep sucking on it to get it out but you can't!" "I'd like to go back to my mansion." "I love my mansion." "Oh, God." "Try to understand, OK?" "It's gone." "Everything is gone." "You don't have your house." "You don't have your money." "You don't have the scrapyard." "You don't even have your hat." "Look out the window." "Go ahead." " You're not broke, are you, Uncle Joe?" " l am richer than shit." "Your attorneys, them hauling your furniture out...you sitting in that ward?" "You put on a show for me." "The lawyers and I put on a show for you." "I knew that guy wasn't your father." "Think I'm an idiot?" "And do you think I'm stupid enough to lose my money?" "But why?" "I mean, why would you make something like that up?" "I had to know who really loves me, huh?" "I found Molly. I like her, she's a nice kid." "Well, shall we go?" "I want you two to live with me." "Not just live with me." "Whatever I own, you own." "What's mine is yours." "Ready?" " l don't know what to say. lt's..." " No." "No, wait, no!" "You can't do this to people." "You can't lie and fake and manipulate." "I won't accept that." " So you don't want to live with me?" " You didn't let me finish." "Just this once, I'm going to let you off with a warning." "Thank you." "But you got to promise us, no more deception." "No more games." "No more lies." "You promise?" "I promise." "Now, come on, let's go." "# The best things in life are free" "# But you can keep them For the birds and bees" "# Now give me money That's what I want" "# That's what I want That's what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want" "# Your lovin' gives me a thrill" "# But your lovin' don't pay my bills" "# Now give me money That's what I want" "# That's what I want That's what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want" "# Money don't get everything it's true" "# What it don't get, I can't use" "# Now give me money That's what I want" "# That's what I want That's what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want" "# Aah, now give me money" "# Money don't get everything it's true" "# What it don't get, I can't use" "# Oh, I want money That's what I want" "# That's what I, that's what I want That's what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want" "# Yeah, give me money That's what I want" "# A whole lot of money That's what I want" "# I wanna be free That's what I want" "# A whole lot of money That's what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want That's, that's what I want now" "# What I want Oh, money" "# That's what I want Oh, give me some of that money" "# That's what I want That's what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want" "# Money don't get everything it's true" "# Ooh, that's what I want" "# Money don't get everything it's true" "# Ooh, what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want" "# Give me money That's what I want" "# A lot of money That's what I want" "# Give me money That's what I want" "# A whole lot of money That's what I want" "# That's what I want, yeah" "# That's what I want #"