"Here's your fish of the day." "That day is last Monday." "Excuse me, miss?" "There's a hair in my meatloaf." "This never happens." "Oleg!" "We got a H-34 at T-2!" "A hair?" "That's impossible." "Let me put some pants on." "I am so sorry that you ordered the meatloaf." "Shouldn't he be in a hairnet?" "He should be in a prison." "Good news." "It's not mine." "That Propecia's really paying off." "Obviously, it's not mine." "I'm blonde." "You're not blonde everywhere." "I love carpet-and-drapes talk." "I want my money back." "Me too." "Well, it ain't mine." "Last time my hair was this long," "I was a back-up dancer on Solid Gold." "Han!" "We got a customer with a hair up his butt and one in his meatloaf." "Step aside." "Let an expert through." "Look, it's "Law and Order:" "SAD."" "It's brown, somewhere between coffee and burnt sienna, cleaned hastily with a combination shampoo-body wash." "Mm, this hair belongs to a single white man alone, and not by choice, but so set in his ways..." "Okay!" "It's mine!" "Next time you want a free meal, order the fish of the day." "Am I right, ma'am?" "(Peter Bjorn and John) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh" "(cash register bell dings)" "Hey, can I order something?" "I'm gonna need to see some ID." "I'm getting the itch to hit the road again and I'll need a new identity." "I'll have a Moscow Mule." "Uh, how about a Jolly Rancher shot?" "They're one of our signature drinks, served with a side of my finger-guns." "How about a Moscow Mule since that's what I just ordered?" "Oh, are you sure?" "The shot glasses are made of actual Jolly Ranchers." "Kids love 'em." "One Moscow Mule coming up." "All righty." "You don't know how to make one, do you?" "No clue." "How 'bout I just make it myself?" "Hmm, while you're at it, I'll have a Jack and Coke." "Always wanted to know what was in that." "Max, what's that guy doing behind you?" "Oh... (scoffs)" "You know I never look when they're back there." "Look, you can't let people serve themselves." "Again, not everything is a Hometown Buffet." "Uh, if it were, I'd be eating a biscuit with macaroni and pudding on top." "People aren't ordering our signature drinks." "They want real ones, and I only know how to make the stuff on the menu." "And Molly lollipops, which I call "Mollipops."" "Then let me do it." "And is that why I slept for three days after Halloween?" "Can I get a greyhound?" "Greyhound..." "Oh... (scoffs)" "I don't drive for them anymore." "Politics!" "Uh, you heard the man." "We're not paying you to just stand around." "You're not paying me at all." "Not with that attitude." "Believe me, if we could afford a bartender, we'd hire one." "This obviously isn't working out for either of us." "Ahem!" "(clears throat)" "Was there a problem with your service?" "Max, we need to talk about what happened last night." "Oh, crap, you said you were on the pill." "We need someone at the dessert bar who knows how to make real drinks." "Not that your "cigarette butt and tonic"" "wasn't a hit." "You said we couldn't afford a bartender... or a mechanical bull, which would have paid for itself by now." "Here's my idea." "We are going to bartending school so we can... and don't kick me... be the best... no pinching, not my nose... business we can be!" " G'doink." " Oh." "You didn't say anything about G'doinks." "What do you think?" "'Cause we're already signed up and it's non-refundable." "I took your share out of your piggy bong." "(gasps)" "You stole from Cheech and Change?" "(baby crying)" "Okay, you can say you hate the idea, but you don't have to cry about it." "Man, this baby's more full of crap than a Coldplay album." "Fine, I'll change your diaper, but when you grow up, you're going to have to return the favor." "SOPHIE:" "The diaper goes the other way!" "Earl, did that doll just talk or are the voices telling me to kill again?" "No, no, it's been yelling at me all day." "Between this and the police chatter" "I pick up on my hearing aid, it's like a damn party in my head." "Roger that." "Can this doll get any creepier?" "SOPHIE:" "Takes one to know one, Caroline." "Asked and answered." "Hey." "Can't a lady have a smoke and a tinkle without having to worry about her baby?" "You were watching us from the toilet?" "Can't you just hold your nose and hover like everyone else?" "It's my surveillance doll." "Look." "It's hooked up to an app in my phone." "Look, she's got cameras in her eyeballs;" "she's got a microphone in her mouth;" "and look, a laser pointer in her butt." "Is that the American Girl Doll PATRIOT Act edition?" "Isn't she cute?" "Look, she's like my twin, only more alive." "Thank you for keeping your eye on Barbara." "BOTH:" "Aww." "Well, thanks so much." "I'd pay you, but I know you're too proud to take the money." "Uh, actually, the medical bills are piling up, Sophie." " Well, see you later!" " And I could really use..." "If you need a free babysitter, that guy." "Is it just me or is it hot and blurry in here?" "Pardon me, sir." "Oh, my God, Han." "You're covered in spots and you're delirious." "You have chicken pox." "You also have chicken legs, so I guess you're even." "Han, you have to go home." "You're contagious." "And not like my laugh." "(laughs)" "Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams." "Who said that?" "You did!" "You have to go home." "Well, I suppose I could get into bed and Hulu a little Mindy Project." "And, boy, is she a project." "(giggles)" "Han looked pretty unsteady." "Do you think someone should make sure he gets home okay?" "Don't worry so much." "He'll be fine." "See?" "Fine." "I know this is just bartending class, but gum, please?" "That was chewing tobacco, FYI." "We need to take this seriously, Max." "(gasps) Is that a pocket knife?" "Uh, yeah." "How are they gonna know I was here if I can't carve my initials in the desk?" "Maybe we should sit at separate workstations." "I'm obviously gonna be the top student here and I don't want to be associated with your" ""rebel without health insurance" attitude." "(scoffs) Fine, smell you later." "Hi." "I haven't been in a class since I graduated from Wharton." " It's an Ivy League..." " I went to Harvard." "Wharton was my safety school." "Max, do you still have that pocket knife?" "Okay, I think everyone is here." "Hi, my name is Gil Bronski and I am in no rush to go home." "I live with my mother and her three cats, two of whom have diarrhea." "(laughing)" "I thought it was an icebreaker." "No, it's a carpet-ruiner." "(laughs)" "Oh, thanks, Julie." "Julie's killing it." "Now, you're probably all wondering," ""How did this former child actor" ""briefly sidelined by a 30-year drug addiction find himself teaching bartending school?"" "Just got lucky?" "Just got lucky!" "Now, who can answer this?" "He hasn't asked it yet, ass-kissers." "Churchill declared war while sipping a Long Island Iced Tea." "The Magna Carta, French Revolution, my three divorces, what's the common denominator?" "Booze, duh." "Booze, duh!" "She didn't raise her hand." "Boy, we have got some eager beavers here, don't we?" "Ha, that's what my pimp told us at our working brunch." "Now..." "I have only one rule." "No... (iPhone rings)" "Interruptions." "This is crazy; no one has called me in six years." "I would have guessed longer." "(laughs)" "Oh!" "Thanks, Julie." "Let's make some drinks!" "Oh, my God." "I love school so much." "How am I expected to know the difference between a vodka sunrise and a vodka sunset?" "12 hours and a missing pair of pants." "Now, shh." "I'm studying." "That was the first homework I've ever done." "I've never seen you take anything this seriously." "And you had rabies once." "Stop joking around." "This is for school." "Where did you get those glasses, The Golden Girls?" "For the first time in my life, I want to learn goodly." "Max, have we switched bodies?" "If so, enjoy chlamydia." "(sighs) I want to do well on this test." "I want to get a, uh... what's the good letter?" "It's an A." "And I think this is gonna be the first time I don't get one." "I am just not connecting to the material." "Like sci-fi comedy, I mean, pick a lane." "Well, give me that book 'cause I'm gonna nail this bartending exam like it's some guy I met at the grocery store." "Most of my tests just had "see me" written at the top." "Mine always had," ""You've done it again, Caroline Channing."" "And I have to do it again." "Let me try making a drink." "Okay." "Bartender?" "Make me a Bloody Mary." "The drink, not my friend Mary Nichol who got her period in fourth grade." "I have to get this." "I know the bloody part is tomato juice, but what the hell is the Mary?" "I should know." "I've dated so many." "I'll give you a hint." "Rhymes with "schmodka."" "Grodka!" "That's not even a thing." "What is wrong with me?" "Vodka." "Um, that was clam juice." "Sure was." "(bell dings) Pick up, hot... doll." "The Sophie doll?" "Well, it's covered in hair so it'll pass as food around here." "Just get rid of it." "Sophie's constantly using it to criticize me, so I disconnected her app." "I mean, how many times can she yell at me to wash my hands after going to the bathroom?" "Every time?" "That doll is driving me crazy." "Plus, I think I'm... starting to have feelings for it." "Fine." "I'll take her." "I haven't had a possessed doll since Chucky moved out in '09." "Now, he could make a Bloody Mary." "And a bloody Denise and a bloody Julio." "Speaking of creepy dolls come to life." "Han, if you have open sores, you have to go home." "Not that it's stopped anyone else who works here." "I can't go home." "I took an oatmeal bath to get rid of the itching, and it flooded my apartment." "I tried eating it down, but I passed out and nearly suffocated." "Well, find a nice subway bench to curl up on." "Or even a Subway sandwich." "You know how embarrassing it would be to catch a disease from a guy I haven't slept with?" "(gasps)" "What?" "Do I have something in my teeth?" "Yes, of course." "But not that." "Max, I think you have chicken pox." "Well, I could make this less embarrassing for you." "We could have sex." "Ugh." "I can't believe that little Outbreak monkey gave me the pox!" "If I get my mittens on him, I'm gonna tear him from tiny limb to tiny limb." "Best I stay in the bathroom then?" "No." "Come on out, patient-zero-friends." "I need you to enter your Netflix password." "It's "Han job 69." You're the one who set it." "And thanks for letting me crash here." "I'm not sure you can legally make me your butler for life, but I did sign the contract." "I'm still feeling a little woozy." "Hello, Sophie." "Don't change the subject." "For the first time, I really wanted to go to school." "I know I could fit your head in my toilet, but I wonder if I can get your whole body in there." "Wow, you really put the "bitch" in "itch."" "Could you?" "Ah, that's the stuff." "Now get my back." "You like that?" "Is it hard enough?" "Am I hurting you?" "Don't flatter yourself." "Don't stop till I get enough." "OLEG:" "Won't that be easier if Max takes her shirt off?" "Oleg!" "Are you spying on us?" "OLEG:" "Momma." "I am so screwed." "The bartending test is in two hours, and I can't remember what goes in a White Lady." "A bottle of chardonnay and then a fat guy that makes her laugh." "OLEG:" "Is that Caroline?" "She sounds like she's not wearing underwear." "How did Oleg get inside the doll?" "Wish it was the first time I said that." "OLEG:" "I got the app, and now I have a Saturday night." "SOPHIE:" "Oleg, have you seen my Sophie doll?" "OLEG:" "Uh..." "I haven't seen her." "(whispers) Gotta go." "Wait, this thing works with any phone?" "Oh, my God, Max, we can use the doll so you can read me the ingredients for drinks on the test." "You mean cheat?" "At school?" "Wow, maybe we did switch bodies." " Rats." " Oh, thank God." "Is there any way I could get either of you to scratch my tum-tum?" "Here." "Ooh." "The nails are real." "Ooh." "♪" "Nice shirt, nerd." "Ooh, nice shirt." "Thanks, Mr. B." "Any love for my shirt?" "Mm, feels desperate." "Hey, where's Max?" "A bunch of us are going to Chili's after class." "Max is sick, but I'm totally free." "Mm, reservation's only for ten." "But Max isn't here, so I can take her spot." "You'd think." "What's that?" "Oh, this is my emotional support doll." "I brush her hair and it calms me down." "I'm not insane." "Hey, I've been saying that for 30 years!" "All right, kiddies," "I need ten drinks in ten minutes." "Or, as a blacked-out me once said," ""Let's get this starty parted."" "Begin." "Max, are you there?" "Can you see the set-up?" "I see you and Julie both shop at Tommy Bah-Brown Nose." "Care for a cinnamon stick in your cocoa?" "Never mind, a millipede carried it off." "How's school?" "Did anybody ask about me?" "Tell Keith whassup." "And tell Dave whassup, but not in front of Keith." "Max, focus." "The first drink I have to make is a Negroni." "And I'll tell you how to make it as soon as you relay a message to Jeff that goes a lot like this:" "whassup." "(sighs)" "Max says, "Whassup, whassup."" "Okay, I'm listening." "Gin." "MAX:" "No, that's not gin." "Did you even go to kindergarten?" "It's the one right next to it." "Got it." "Wow, I am really cheating." "I am such a bad girl." "Here we go, hot cocoa Han-style." "Complete with a frothy marshmallow layer." "Ooh, marshmallows." "And marshmallows, got it." "No, no, no, not you." "I was talking to Swiss Miss over here." "[both screaming]" "Aah... choo." "Man, you are acting crazier than me when I was stalking Tom Hanks." "It's okay, it's okay." "(stammers) You spilled all over the book." "I can't read a thing." "How is this okay?" "Because... that was your cocoa." "Mmm." "How do you like your girl Swiss Miss now?" "You better grab something to dry this book off." "Bookoff?" "Is that a vodka?" "I'm panicking." "I'm gonna fail." "(hair dryer blowing) Aah!" "(hair dryer blowing loudly)" "Aw, cheating on a bartending test?" "I am gonna tell you the same thing I told The Situation:" "you take it on back to Jersey." "Good one, Mr. B." "Oh, thanks, Julie." "I am so sorry, Mr. Bronski." "Please don't fail me." "I'll do anything." " Oh." " But nothing sexual." "Oh." "I mean, after all, it's just bartending school." "I'm gonna take this doll with me." "She's gonna be our tenth at Chili's." "MAX: (gasps)" "Hey, Mr. B, whassup!" "Hi, Max." "I just can't get it out of my head." "It was terrible." "He ripped apart the doll right in front of me." "And then this part I couldn't even tell you," "I f..." " Failed?" " Farted!" "You know how my stomach gets when I'm upset." "Well, if it makes you feel any better," "I woke up with me and Han spooning." "(gasps)" "Which spoon were you?" "The one with the stiffie in her back for three hours." "Hey, everybody." "We just stopped in for a Jolly Rancher shot on our way to a live sex show." "Sophie, where's the baby?" "Oh, she's with the babysitter." "Some perverted SOB stole my Sophie doll." "I realized that it's okay not to watch baby Barbara for 24-8." "You know, in Poland, we get the extra day." "For dredging the lakes." "Why don't you go get us a table, Sophie?" "Okay." "Any chance of getting that doll back?" "I really underestimated how strong my feelings for it were." "I know." "I was the one who walked in on you brushing her hair." "And I was the one who asked you not to repeat that." "I'll have a mojito." "Sorry, we don't do off-menu drinks." "I'm on it." "Bup-bup-bup!" "One mojito coming up." "What are you doing?" "We failed the class." "Ooh, first time I didn't fart saying that." "You failed." "Between studying and helping you cheat," "I learned how to make every drink in that book." "Oh, my God, Max, you learned something." "I failed so you could succeed." "So in a way, I succeeded too." "You've done it again, Caroline Channing." "OLEG:" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh." "The live sex show is here." "(cash register dings)"