"I wanna see "Love strings" because everyone I've..." "Oh, dad..." "You know, it's gonna be too fluffy." "What is "Love strings" about?" ""Love strings" is about a man who teaches college, and..." "He becomes infatuated with one of his students..." "Dad, that's a chick flick." "It's not a chick flick, Ben, it's a romantic comedy and I don't like that phrase, "Chick flick"." "Dad, I think I'd rather go see "Firepower"." "Those movies, they rattle... think about it, firepower... firepower." "Well, I'm willing to see this "Firepower" thing, but I don't wanna see it on a Tuesday night, because I have a hard time falling asleep after all that violence, so why don't we see a matinée of "Firepower"," "if you come with me tonight to see "Love strings"?" "Here's the deal, dad." "Do what I say." "Don't be an idiot." "We go see my movie, it's a better choice," "I know what I'm talking about." "I represent the youth of America, you should tap into that!" "I-I..." "Feel like seeing a romantic comedy would inspire one or both of us to go out and... but that's the kind of movie you'd want to see with... friends, if you had any." "So uh..." "I slipped that in there, didn't I?" "!" "I forgot about the popularity contest you won last week, Ben, I'm sorry!" "Hey, did I ever congratulate you on that?" "Oh, dear..." "How many, honestly?" "If you wanted to go..." "To a movie..." "With somebody..." "Yeah?" "That was not me, who would it be?" "Siskel and Ebert." "No, I mean not..." "I mean realistically!" "Siskel." "Ha ha ha!" "I love the ladies, you know that!" "I looove the ladies." "I'll do anything to be with the ladies." "I'll sit through "The English Patient"," ""Boys on the Side", "Nell", "Carrington"," ""Sister Act I", "Sister Act II", "Hope and Glory"" "any merchant ivory film, "Moll Flanders"" "and a 9-hour director's cut of "The Unbearable", and I mean "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"..." "Just to watch the ladies make waffles with their top off, alright?" "What's "Carrington"?" "I'm Patton Oswalt." "I have uh appointment in..." "with Dr. Katz..." "My appointment's in 10 minutes," "I just need to use..." "it's a local call!" "And all I'm gonna do is I'm just checking my messages, using your phone, to check!" "Fine, what's the number?" "I-I just, I'll just dial it." "You can't reach!" "It's unbelievable, Dr. Katz!" "I can't even deal with it, okay?" "I'm one bad relationship..." "don't interrupt me!" "This isn't about you!" "It's about me!" "I have problems, okay!" "I am one bad relationship away from being with a man, okay!" "You're gonna see me in the gay pride parade..." "I'm here!" "I'm not queer, but at least somebody pays attention to me, so get over it, alright?" "!" "What's the code?" "I can't..." "I'm not supposed to give the code out." "I'll just enter it and listen." "You can't reach the phone from there!" "If I just... hhhh..." "What do you think I'm gonna do, call in for your messages?" "Well, uh... ah..." "Okay, but don't like..." "Alright, It's s-p-r..." "S-p-r f-l-y..." "F-l-y." "Okay..." "I need to listen to them, though." "I need to listen to them!" "No!" "Ha ha!" "Can I?" "Let me just..." "So, you feel like you can't separate your real life from... from movies." "Yeaaahh!" "But that's not such a good thing." "What is your favorite movie of all time?" "Star Wars!" "Of all time?" "Why is that?" "That was my generation's "Kennedy assassination"." "How so?" "That's where everyone my age remembers where they were when they first saw "Star Wars"." "Well, weren't they all in the theater?" "You know who I found out almost got the part of..." "Han Solo was Nick Nolte." "No kidding?" "But he lost out to Harrison Ford." "Oh man!" "That would've made it such a better movie!" "Well, different!" "With that gut hanging over his pistol belt just not really committing the whole idea of it... just..." ""Aw hell, Chewbacca, go fix the damn hyper-drive..." "Aahh..." "Jesus!" "Ah, hell!" "Luke, that's not uh... space..." "Arrgghh"" "I'm gonna go to the bathroom..." "You take the popcorn and the drinks and find the seats." "But you know what I don't like?" "What's that?" "When I walk in from the bathroom," "I never know where you are, because I can't see in the dark!" "You know what I'll do?" "I'll have one of the drinks balanced on the top of my head, Ben, because, that's the only way I can carry this much stuff to the seats, anyway." "Alright, fine." "Whatever happened to... teamwork?" "Whatever happened to father and son helping each other out?" "Alright, c'mon to the bathroom with me!" "I'm not bringing popcorn to the men's room!" "Why not?" "Because then you gotta share it with everybody!" "You ask a movie critic, if the movies are getting better or worse..." "And the chances are they're gonna say uh..." ""Please pass the popcorn"." "Ha ha ha!" "They're just like everybody else, they love the snacks!" "Raisinets..." "That's the best thing about the theater, you think?" "They used to try to lump them together... goobers and raisinets." "What was it called?" ""Goobers'n'raisinets"!" "Ha ha!" "Hey, I know for a fact that that's not so funny!" "I know." "Sluurrrrp!" "You know what I'm gonna do with this drink, dad?" "Put it right here in the drink holder save a little bit for later." "Those are great things." "I love these things!" "That's a breakthrough, I think." "The only one major problem there..." "You know who invented those?" "Who?" "Michael Drinkholder!" "I'm excited about this one!" "I can't stand the smell of popcorn at this point in my life." "Dad, I got it for both of us!" "I know, but I'm so..." "This is our third movie this week, Ben, and..." "It's a lot of popcorn, is what I'm saying..." "Alright, you know what, well... next time, when we see a movie tomorrow night, which we will, we'll get popcorn without butter." "I'm gonna bring some..." "Fresh vegetables with me, because I feel like we're slowly killing ourselves eating this crap every night, you know?" "I think that maybe you're right," "I think they should provide other types of food in the theater," "I don't know why they don't do that." "And especially in such a competitive business, you'd think that uh..." "A theater that served... thousands of people..." "No!" "You finish the thought!" "Ha ha ha!" "Can I finish the idea here?" "You don't have to get snippy." "I just, you constantly interrupt me." "First of all, I do not..." "Constantly interrupt you" "Well... what I was about to say..." "Was that, I assumed you... why can't..." "shut your mouth?" "!" "Why do you have to yap?" "!" "Constantly yap!" "I think we're bothering those people behind us." "Yeah?" "Well, let 'em look!" "What?" "!" "You've never seen a father and son argue?" "Sshhhh!" "I've never been shushed before the movie started!" "I know, it's embarrassing!" "Were we talking loudly?" "I'm hungry!" "But the thing is... and don't take this personally... but I need an enemy." "I'm always looking for an enemy." "My life goes better, not if I have a good relationship or a good girlfriend..." "It goes better if I have an "arch enemy"!" "So what I've done is, I've decided to hate you." "Right." "You're my enemy and the only way to defeat you is by getting better mentally, so I don't need to give you money anymore, and then I win." "And... how would I win?" "Like, okay..." "You know how when we're talking and you'll make a breakthrough and you go," ""Maybe, don't you think that stems from this?"" "And I'll go, "Oh yeah"" "but if you could say that with more of like a..." "Triumphant sneer, like a maniacal sneer..." "like," ""That was very foolish, Mr. Oswalt!" "You showed me too many cards."" "Oh, say that all the time," ""You showed me one too many cards, Mr. Oswalt!"" "I-I-I can try but I... try this, ready?" "I don't do impressions!" "Just do like this," ""Advantage, Katz!"" "Like whenever I reveal something about myself..." ""Advantage, Katz!"" "Ohh!" "Try that!" "Okay, say something revealing." "Okay uh... sometimes I think that" "I-I-I sabotage myself..." "To try to teach myself not to be inconsistent by sabotaging myself!" "Advantage, Katz?" "Now, you sound defeated!" "You gotta be like," ""Advantage..."" "You gotta lean..." ""steeple" your fingers..." "Like you're thinking... this whole thing is new to me." "Is there a way to strap me to this couch?" "Uhh... no." "Let's try that again." "Okay ready?" "Uh, I'm afraid of success because of my low self-image." "Go!" "Aye, laddie, you're playing into my hands." "No-no, there's no Irish super-villains!" "Don't be Irish!" "Just be evil?" "Yeah, that or..." "Austrian!" "I'm just gonna make some notes for myself here so that next week when you come in" "I will be up and running!" "Now Laura doesn't need any..." "she's perfect." "She doesn't need any prep at all." "No, she is ready to go!" "You know that the therapists in movies are always portrayed as bad guys, and that, I find annoying." "Really?" "Yeah, name any movie with a therapist in it!" "I don't know any movies." ""Killer Therapist"" "umm... "Night of the Living Therapist"" ""Therapist from Hell..."" ""One Flew Over the Therapist's Head"" ""A Jungian and a Gentleman"" ""He Came From the Planet Freud."" "Did ya see who just walked in?" "!" "What's that?" "Did you see who just walked in?" "Oh my god, is that Laura?" "Yeah..." "With some guy." "It does look like uh..." "Kinda looks like a guy." "She's probably on a date, Ben!" "She's probably not on a date, that's probably a relative, a brother, a cousin, or an uncle, a really young uncle." "Maybe..." "You might be right." "I don't think you are because... alright, dad, that's enough." "If she is on a date," "I think we should go over and ruin it." "I think it's our responsibility to make sure that that relationship doesn't happen." "I think she can handle that." "Ha ha ha!" "Believe me!" "Yeah, but we might want to help it along." "You wanna go over and say "Hi"?" "I'm uncomfortable doing that, you know?" "If you wanna do it, go ahead!" "Go ahead and say hi!" "I don't think we should separate, we should both go over together or not go at all." "Okay!" "Hold my hand we'll go over there!" "Maybe I'll just throw some popcorn at her head and then..." "That will be that!" "Okay!" "Dr. Katz's office." "Morning, Laura." "Hi, Ben." "So, uh..." "Laura" "Laura, Laura..." "What did you do last night?" "Go to the movies, perhaps?" "Yeah, how did you know?" "Well, I saw you." "Me and you were at the same theater last night." "Oh..." "Watching the exact same movie at the exact same time." "Wow." "I was actually five rows behind you." "Ben, what do you want?" "Oh, nothing, I just wanted to uh..." "Know how your date went." "None of your business." "It's cool, baby!" "I date a lot!" "I was on a date myself, actually." "With who, your father?" "Yes." "Yeah, that's great!" "How long have you been going out with this guy?" "Uh, none of your business?" "That's cool," "I can totally respect your privacy!" "Good, good." "Did you sleep with him?" "Dr. Katz's office." "Laura, I'm so sorry, I got cut off, did you sleep with him?" "Dr. Katz's office." "Laura, I apologize for being so blunt" "I was out of line, you know..." "Did you have sex..." "I'm talking right now, you want me to calm down?" "Yeah." "You want me to be real for a few seconds?" "You want to see if I can do it, right?" "That would make you feel better, you could walk out of here, give yourself a pat on the back, take Laura out for a little cappuccino and go," ""Guess what?" "Sam Brown calmed down today for 5 seconds!" "For 5 seconds we saw a little window into his soul!" "Little Sammy, was cute little Sammy before all the bad happened", right?" "Sam, I can measure the progress that you and I have made over the last few months." "Uh-huh." "I still feel like you arrived with so much anger and so much of this, I feel, is directed towards me and..." "No, don't take it personally," "I hate everybody, you're just getting it right now." "Well, that's very kind of you to say that." "Yeah, it's not about you, okay?" "Thanks for turning it back to yourself, Mr. Selfish..." "I just..." "You find a way, every-single-time!" "I'm sorry, you're right," "I should not have done that, that was not appropriate," "I wish there was some way you could harness that anger." "♫ Naah!" "Naaahh!" "♫" "♫ I have bad feelings in-nnn.. ♫" "♫ Out with the bad, aaaahhhhhhh ♫" "This is good, this is really good." "Yeah." "Take it up an octave." "Okay, ♫ Ooowwooaahhhhh ♫" "♫ Haaaaaaaa ♫" "♫ Haaaaaaaa ♫" "♫ Waaaaaaaa ♫" "So you're gonna see this guy again, or you're gonna... is this gonna be a regular thing?" "None of your business!" "Right, right, I know, but I mean..." "Are you?" "I don't know." "'Cause to be honest with you," "I think it's a bad idea, you know..." "Why is that?" "Well, that guy was..." "Really good looking." "Yeah?" "And that's gonna end up disappointing you, later." "I mean..." "I think you should set your sights lower..." "And then get surprised!" "Hhmm." "You know what I mean?" "Ben, I'm not gonna go out with you." "It's a coincidence that they're playing movies at that theater even this weekend..." "They run them every day there!" "Really?" "There's an Orson Wells retrospective this weekend," "I don't know if you're into him," "I don't know who he is but... did you hear what I just said?" "What's that?" "I'm not gonna go out with you." "Oh, go out with me?" "Oh, right!" "But... you know, it wouldn't be a date!" "Hmmm, yeah, no, Ben, I don't think so." "I'll kick in for your ticket!" "Oh, Ben." "I'm not begging here." "You're so pathetic sometimes I just wanna..." "I don't know..." "Wanna what?" "Pinch you." "I'll take it." "Oh, god." "I'm into it!" "I'm sorry." "I like the weird stuff!" "Oh hey, you know what," "I've got an extra ticket for the ballet tomorrow night, if either of you guys are interested." "You wanna go?" "And the world comes to a dead stop." "Ha ha ha." "Come on!" "No, I'm not saying that I can't go..." "I'm just saying that until I've done everything else in the world there is to do," "I'm not comfortable going to the ballet yet." "So it wouldn't be tomorrow?" "Tomorrow's not good for me." "That's the only offer I'm making right now." "Really?" "That's the only one I'm turning down." "I'd like to know what it is that you guys are doing tomorrow night if you don't wanna go, you don't have to lie." "I can't go tomorrow, I'm going to uh..." "The other ballet tomorrow." "What other ballet?" "Hockey." "That's not a ballet." "I heard... and maybe this is just a rumor... that all these ballets are fixed." "Jon, why don't you come with me?" "I actually have a date to go to the movies with Ben." "Oh?" "'Cause it's supposed to get dark tomorrow night." "Yeah." "And whenever that happens, we go to the movies." "Ha ha ha!" "Ben, can I tell you an idea I had for a movie?" "Umm, if this is a pitch... pretend that you're a Hollywood producer" "I walk into your office." "Who are you?" "Dr. Katz," "I'm here to see Sidney..." "Executive head..." "I'm not great with this... why does he have to be Jewish?" "Can I pitch an idea to you, first of all," "I'm a professional therapist, so... three words or less." "Okay, karate kid but with yoga." "Good, sold!" "Boy, that was easy!" "What about you play the executive," "I'll come in..." "Okay, okay!" "On your mark, get set, go, what's the idea?" "It's a story about a father and son and the father..." "So far so good!" "The father in this movie constantly squishes the son's dreams uhhmm..." "And the father is... a bad person, he's bald and he's bad, it's called "Endless Yapper"" "and it stars you." "Next!" "Oh, what has become of us?" "!" "Aw, just shut up and find a movie!" "This is not normal, Ben!" "We shouldn't be going to the movies every night!" "It's perfectly normal, alright?" "We should just go for a walk get a cup of coffee, sit down and talk." "Oh yeah, that's real normal, dad." "Why don't we read books instead?" "Maybe because we're Americans?" "No, we're not going to the movies, Ben!" "We'll rent!" "No, we have to stop, we have to be strong!" "You know, you're right," "I do prefer the big screen experience, anyway..." "I think it's..." "It's bigger!" "We've lost the art of conversation!" "What is that mean?" "Wawaa... wawoh?" "Goo goo..." "See, we haven't lost it!" "I don't know who I was thinking of." "Let's draw a bunch of pictures of a horse and flip them really fast so it looks like the horse is moving!" "That's the most desperate idea" "I've ever heard in my life!" "Aww, man!" "Put the newspaper down, look at me!" "You're my son, I love you!" "Hey, is that from "The Godfather"?" "You're doing the thing... can't we just talk, not about movies?" "Let's talk about you, Ben, how are you?" "Do it in Brando's voice." "Please, just do that." "Hahh..." "I can't, I don't do impressions." "That was a good start though!" "Haa-hahhh!" "Hahhhh..." "That's the way Brando started every line!" "Haaahh..." "Ha ha ha!" "Are you gonna be alright, dad?" "You've won that round, Dr. Katz!" "You've won that round." "But I'll be back!" "No, that's me!" "I go, "But I'll be back!"" "Sorry..." "I can't even keep track of this!" "This is too complicated!" "No, it's so simple!" "You're adding levels to this!" "My garage mechanic understood this, immediately!" "When I told him," ""You need to be Commander Demon Wrench!"" "He made a cape, he had a mask, he even got a hand puppet, this little goblin hand puppet, and he would use that to insult me." "Yeah..." "And he would have the other mechanics in the garage dress as ninjas, when would I come in..." "It was amazing!" "But they're trained to do that!" "But he went beyond the training," "Of course they're trained to dress like ninjas." "You know what the music means?" "But, right there!" "Right there!" "That music... we have to stop." "No, that's it, right there, that's the problem!" "That stinks!" "The music is so tinkly," "I feel like I'm in a toy store..." "That needs to be like organ like," "♫ Neeeeee ♫ and then you go," ""That spells your doom, Oswalt!"" "And then I go," ""In your dreams, Herr doctor!"" "And then I run out!" "Why do you call me "Hair doctor"?" "No, you're not it's..." "Herr doctor!" "Oh, I'm sorry!" "So, that needs to be like a big," "♫ Nenaahh ♫" "I know what you're going for but it's just not the way I work, you know?" ""Your time is ticking!" "That spells your doom!"" "How about "One Mississippi"?" "No, that's..." "Phbbbt... we're not playing hide and seek!" "No, you're right!" "Or, are we?" "Ooohhh... see?" "See, I think this is a very elaborate device to avoid talking about you, also to avoid leaving." "Y'know what you should do?" "You gotta get that music and then you gotta go," ""I've tired of you!" "You no longer amuse me!""