"(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING UPSTAIRS)" "(CEILING CREAKS)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" "Hey!" "Shut off the hose!" "There's a fucking faucet outside, man!" "Hurry up!" " Go!" "God!" " Jesus!" "(FAUCET HISSING)" "Shit!" " What a piece of shit old house, man." " Yup, yup." "Fucking thing wasn't even half full." "Who the hell are you?" "Oh, uh, Jake Bradford." " Infielder?" " Pitcher." "(BOTH SIGH)" " What?" " Hey!" "Whoa!" "Just what we need, another fucking pitcher." "Not a lefty, are you?" "Uh, no, no, right-handed." "Thank God." "Those guys are always so fucking weird." "Like Nez." "I hate that guy." "I love Nez." "MAC:" "He's fine." "He's just fucking weird." "(CLINKS)" "Hey, I'm just gonna tell you something right now." " Yup." " I hate pitchers, okay?" "So you and me will be teammates, but we're not gonna be friends or anything like that." "It might give you some kind of edge if I gotta face you down the line in pro ball, if you ever make it there." "I'm just not gonna do that." " All right." " Those your bags?" " Wanna pick your shit up?" " Oh, yeah." "Sorry." " Excuse me." "Bye." " Yup." "Bye." "FINN:" "You know, nobody really realizes how much water weighs." "You're talking about 62 pounds per cubic foot." "WILLOUGHBY:" "Yeah." "FINN:" "You know, I tried to warn them." "WILLOUGHBY:" "But let's be honest," "(COUGHS) that would be fucking amazing if that fell through the ceiling right now." "FINN:" "Dude, this is a good example of someone being so invested in what they want." "In this case, getting laid on an oversized, overpriced water balloon, that they fail to see the giant waterbed-shaped iceberg right in their path." "WILLOUGHBY:" "Mmm-hmm." "Or he just finds you super-annoying and ignores you." "At his own peril, as evidenced by this ill-fated and ill-advised adventure in mid-collapse before you..." "I assume, being a new (IN DEEP VOICE) teammate." "Thank you, Willoughby." "I'm Finn." "Uh, Jake." " Hi." "Charlie Willoughby." "Hi." " Jake." "Good to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " (SIGHS)" "Did you meet the brain trust that perpetrated such a folly," "McReynolds and Roper?" "Uh, yeah, yeah." "Uh, I think so." "One of them told me he hated pitchers." "Even his own teammates." "Undoubtedly Glen McReynolds, resident All-American." "On the field, you know." "Up here, benchwarmer." "Hey." "Chapter 9 will blow your mind." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "PLUM:" "Guys." "Is it true that our house is about to fall down?" "FINN:" "Yeah, any second." "What's up, man?" "Jake Bradford." "What's up, dude?" "Tyrone Plummer." "Man, you can't even fuck good on a waterbed." "It's like having sex with a girl on top of another really fat girl, know what I mean?" " Just moving around." " Yeah." "Get out of my shot." "Sorry, man." " Ah!" "Shit!" " Shit." "Sorry." "What the hell's wrong with you?" "You scared the shit out of me." " Hey, you Billy Autrey?" " Beuter?" "Shit, if I was that pussy-whipped little bitch," "I'd be on the phone moping to my girlfriend." "Why?" "I'm just supposed to be rooming with him." ""I'm just..." Oh, damn." "Yeah." "Uh, well, shit, if you ever wanna find Beuter, just follow the phone cord." " This?" " Yeah, come on." "You're like a lost lamb." "Thanks. (GRUNTS)" "(CHUCKLES) What did I tell you?" "Hey, Beuter, this your new roommate." "Damn, put some pants on, man." " JAKE:" "What's up, man?" " Hold on one second, babe." "Jake Bradford." "Jacob?" "Hey, how you doing?" "I'm Billy Autrey." " Good to meet you, man." " Good to meet you." " Dale Douglas." " Jake Bradford." "Hey, man, what position do you play?" "Pitcher." "Well, what are you?" "Second base." "JAKE:" "Hey, I'll see you later, man." "Okay, Jacob." "Yeah, we'll see you, man." "Hey, ladies!" "Happy hour is upon us at the Fox." "Two hours of drinking before the team meeting." " Let's go." " That's what I'm talking about." "You guys go ahead, man." "I've got some unpacking to do." "Bullshit!" "You're on the team now, baby!" "(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Onward, upward and inward!" "Ja?" "Oh, yeah!" " (RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) - (ALL SINGING ALONG)" "Say hello, Finn." "FINN:" "Mmm-hmm, ooh, look at what we have here." "ROPER:" "Well, look at this lovely bunch of ladies." "Let's say hi." "I think we should." " (HONKING)" " Tit-tit-tit-tit-tit-tits!" " Fuck off, faggots!" " Yeah!" " That was beautiful." " Oh!" "I love this time of year." "(JAKE LAUGHS)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Party later tonight at the baseball houses." "Where?" "15th and Avenue H." "You know, just look for two beautiful houses filled with Greek gods who care." "Okay, when?" "When you get there." "And when you do get there, ask for me, Kenny Roper." "We look forward to seeing all of you there." "ROPER:" "All of you." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "ROPER:" "There we go." "PLUM:" "She looks like my fifth grade teacher." "ROPER:" "She's built right." "Hey, ladies, uh..." "I don't know if you guys are doing anything tonight, but we'd like to invite you to a baseball party with..." "Sorry." "Uh..." "Okay." "FINN:" "Ouch!" "ROPER:" "Not my fault she's a bitch." "FINN:" "Jeez, ball hit the mitt before you ever even swung." "ROPER:" "And what was I supposed to do, huh?" "FINN:" "You gotta notice the clues, Rope." "There was a typewriter in the back." " ROPER:" "Oh, yeah." " They're intelligent girls." "You have to rise and meet them on their level." "ROPER:" "Huh?" "Is that right?" "FINN:" "Act like you've read a book before." "Jeez." "ROPER:" "Okay, Finn, you're up." "FINN:" "Well, I can't do any worse." "ROPER:" "Here we go." "FINN:" "Take notes, boys." "(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, ladies." "You know, I couldn't help but notice you ladies being hassled by that asshole in the car back there." "It's a shame." "You know, some guys are just so aggressive." "Myself, I'm a firm supporter of the ERA..." "Although I doubt it's gonna have an immediate impact on the societal norm of the male gender, initiating virtually all contact with respect to females." "You know, which might seem predatory on the surface, but I assure you..." "Trust me." "You should be investing this energy elsewhere." "Well, now you just plain hurt our feelings." " (MOCKINGLY) Aww." " (LAUGHS)" "Do you also hate guys that are athletic, intelligent, sometimes endearingly clumsy, or is that just her?" "Hey, Finn, did you mention hung?" "I didn't mention hung, Dale, not yet." "Okay, um..." "Y'all wanna know the truth?" "Always." "It'll set you free." "I like the quiet guy in the back seat, in the middle." "ROPER:" "Well, there's nothing here." "BOTH:" "Lesbians." "Yeah!" "Did you guys hear that?" " I didn't hear anything." " ROPER:" "Delusional." " Freshman's hearing things." " No, dude." "Quiet, non-asshole guy in the back, that's me." "Wait, no, guys." "Yeah, no, I think I heard her say something like," ""The guy in the back, whether he knows it or not," " "is a cock jockey."" " JAKE:" "Oh." " Yeah, but I heard "cock gobbler."" " FINN:" "Cock gobbler." "I heard, "The guy in the back seat," ""his cock looks like an outie bellybutton."" "Oh, yeah." "Are we mistaken?" "That's what we heard." "Yeah, I can see how that could get threatening." "All right, new guy coming in, getting all the ladies." "Hey there, freshman," "I've fucked more girls than you've cranked off to." " Hey, do me a favor." "Stop for a second." " ROPER:" "Why?" "I wanna see what room she's in." "ROPER:" "Just give it up, son." "This just went from "cute" to "restraining order."" "Just do it." "I'll buy the first pitcher." "(BRAKE SCREECHES)" "Okay." "Now you're talking our language a little." "ROPER:" "All right, what are we looking at?" "Let's see." "JAKE:" "Okay." "Stop, stop." "Okay, that's her." "GIRL:" "Hey." "All right, 307." "Help me remember that?" " Sure, man, 309." " No, 307." " FINN: 304." " Can we go now, Mr. Stalker?" "Weirdo, man." "PLUM: 30-12?" "DALE:" "Damn." "Hey." " Huh?" "Yeah?" " That was pathetic, man." "She was using you, a peasant, to fuck with us, the kings." "Look, if you'd opened your mouth, too, you'd have been shut down." "You don't see that?" "No, I don't, actually." "Only been at college an hour and I'm already pulling in the groupies, man!" "That was a joke." "Got your joke right here." "Did he just call his dick a joke?" "That's what he implied." " To the Fox?" " To the Fox." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "PLUM:" "Didn't it seem like most of the girls we saw today were, you know, moving into the dorms on campus?" "That's what we're talking about!" "Oh, thank God." "Finally." "FINN:" "Mmm-hmm." "DALE:" "Thanks, man." "So don't you think we would get more ass living on campus?" "You know, where all the girls are." "No, no." "Have a clue, freshman." "The dorms suck." "ROPER:" "You guys have no idea." "They gave us two houses." "Man, we've got it made." "No dorm resident snitches keeping track." "You know, den-mother types up your ass." "No centralized authority." "It's fucking brilliant." "Let's just hope they don't realize what they've done." " Oh, yeah." " Mmm-hmm." "(ALL WHOOPING)" "We knew we'd find you drunks here!" "What miserable updraft wafts you three hither?" " Oh, bite me, Finn." " FINN:" "I will not..." "Dismount." "(LAUGHS)" "NEZ:" "This is our third bar of the afternoon, boys!" "You one of the new freshmen?" " Yeah, Jake." " Coma." "Hey, Alex Brumley." "Hey, man." "Nice to meet you." "Nesbit." "A pleasure." "COMA:" "Go get some glasses, Brumley." "BRUM:" "Yeah, sure thing, dude." "Whoa, is..." " Wait, Jay Niles isn't with you guys?" " (ALL GROAN)" "Who's Jay Niles?" "You haven't heard of Jay Niles?" "The second coming of Nolan Ryan." "Yeah, man, 95-mile-an-hour fastball." "Self-professed, mind you." "He's this intense fuck from Detroit, who just kind of spouts out all his stats and just talks about what a pro prospect he is." "How'd that guy end up here?" "Well, he's filling the obligatory quota." "You know, we have to have at least two weirdos on every team." " Now we're full up." " (ALL LAUGHING)" "Wait, Jay Niles, one." "Two?" "Who's two?" "You, you sawed-off drunk fuck." "(ALL SNICKERING)" "No, actually your roommate, Beuter, the hayseed." "JAKE:" "Ah." "ROPER:" "Can we agree?" "FINN:" "We can agree." "I thought his name was Billy Autrey." "Oh, it was, until we changed it to the most country bumpkin name we could come up with." "Beuter Perkins." "ALL:" "Beuter!" "Hey, you guys sure Coach isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?" "Fuck, Brumley, you've seriously asked that at every bar." "(MOCKINGLY) "Are you sure Coach isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?" ""What if he smells my breath?"" "We're fucking drinking, man!" "That's what we're doing!" " Yeah, we are." " Okay?" "Yeah." "Cheers for the beers." "What is that brown shit on your lip?" "(LAUGHS)" "I thought it was like a light, like a shadow on your lip, but it..." " Is that a mustache?" " Yeah." "Ugh!" "I'm sorry." "Don't touch it." "Don't..." "ROPER:" "Ew." "Stop." " Oh!" " ALL:" "Ugh!" "Yeah, it's a mustache." "That's a mustache." " It's growing." " FINN:" "Was that hair?" "Full throttle to the bottle." "Shut up, Brumley." "Why does he keep saying things like that?" "Finn, I'm seriously worried about these new guys." "I mean..." "It's gonna be a strange year, man." " ROPER:" "Hey, whoa!" " Oh!" "GORDAN:" "If you haven't met yet," "I'd like to introduce you to the new guys on the team." "Freshman Ty Plummer, catcher." "Stand up, Ty." "Come on, son." "Alex Brumley, outfield." "Hey, guys." "GORDAN:" "Sit down." "All right." "Jake Bradford and Billy Autrey, both freshman pitchers." "Also, I'm taking a leap this year on two transfers, trying to shore up our pitching staff." "From California, senior Charlie Willoughby." "Stand up, Willoughby." "Guys." "And from Detroit, Jay Niles." "(SIGHS)" "All right." "For you vets, I expect you to show the new guys around." "Hopefully be a positive influence on them." "I'd appreciate that, all right?" "Wake up, Coma!" "Okay, for the eight of you living in this house and the eight of you living next door, there's gonna be some guidelines for living here." "The city's been generous enough to donate these houses to help with the overcrowding situation in athletic dorms, and we've agreed to be responsible for them." "So, two rules." "Number one." "No alcohol in these houses, okay?" "It's against school policy." "Need I say more?" "Now, we can't stop you from having a drink down at that Jolly Fox and Sound Machine, or whatever." "You're all over 18, all right?" "Just no booze in this house." "Okay." "Number two, and it's a biggie, gentlemen." "No girls upstairs in those bedrooms." " (ALL GROANING)" " What?" "GORDAN:" "Yup." "I'm sorry." "She's gonna have to take it back to her place or, if you want, you can spend as much time as you like together down here." "There's plenty of room in both these houses for socializing." "So, if you just gotta bring some little gal back to the house, you keep her buns downstairs." "You got it?" "Don't want the program taken down by a piece of poontang." "(BOYS SNICKERING)" "Okay, that's it." "Voluntary practice is on Sunday." "That's players-only now." "Rulebook says I can't be on the field, so I'll see you fellas on Monday." "Be responsible out there this weekend, okay?" "Think before you do something stupid, please." "Skip?" "All right." "Mac, you got something?" "Yeah." "Hey, new guys, listen up." "Just so you know, "voluntary" means mandatory, okay?" "Everybody's got to be there." "If you're not there, then you probably don't care about beating those fuckers from Arizona." "And if you're not serious about that, you might as well go home." "Oh, yeah." "We're taking it this year, fellas." "All the way." "(ALL CHEERING)" "All right!" "Our lucky year!" "DALE:" "Get ready, boys, your college careers are about to begin." "(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)" " How's it going?" " Yeah, yeah!" " Murphy!" "Trouble walking in." " (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" " How's it going, man?" " Hey." "Two-dollar cover." "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait." "No, no." "They're with us." "Freshman superstars." "MAN:" "It's all right." "Let them in." "Thanks, man." "MAN:" "Have fun, boys." "Hey, shake something, don't break something." " Yes, sir." " (LAUGHS)" "(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" " Hey, hey, guys." " Yeah?" "If you guys want more beer, go to Howard." "The guy that looks like Cheech." "We're getting all this shit for free, okay?" "Dude!" "No cover and free beer." "Mmm-hmm." "College is the fucking greatest!" "Hey, it's part of the scholarship." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Say goodbye to your high school sweethearts, fellas." "The wonderful world of college pussy is upon you." "Ladies!" "How was your summer?" "Fun." "How was yours?" "Angie, you look amazing." "Let me introduce you to some of the new guys." "This is Jake." " Hey." "Nice to meet you." " Hi." "Nice to meet you." "ROPER:" "That dude is Plum." "What's up?" "Tyrone." " How you doing?" " GIRL:" "Hi." " You guys wanna dance?" " JAKE:" "Yeah." "(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Cheers." "To a beautiful night." "There we go." "Mmm." " Oh, yeah." " Whoo!" "We're gonna need a couple more." "MAN:" "Yeah, come on!" "She needs quite a few more." "You do, too." " Lookit." " What?" "What's up?" "DALE:" "Finn's in his average cock mode." "Right now, I guarantee you he's telling those girls about how he has an average cock." "JAKE:" "Why the hell would he do that?" "See, no, it's genius, actually." "See, he tells girls that he has an average cock, and while that might only seem moderately compelling on paper, women find it a relief from all the guys talking about how huge they are." "I'm a performer, all right?" "I'm a grower, not a shower." "See all that fun, all that laughing?" "Yeah, yeah." "They're talking about his dick, man!" " Fuckin' with me." " No..." "You heard of "foot in the door"?" "Of course." "Finn's got his dick in the door." "JAKE:" "That's fucking genius." " Genius." "Yes!" " Genius!" " Fuck." " I tell you." "Hey, you see what I see?" " You know them?" " DALE:" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "That's Michelle with her friend Val." "JAKE:" "What's the book on them?" "The book is, we're going over to rap with them." " Yeah?" " Oh, hell, yes." "Let's get it." "Hey, which one you going after?" "Oh, Michelle, definitely." " The one on the right." " The tall one?" "I'm climbing that tree, Jake!" " I hear Val is fun." "Go for it!" " All right, cool." " Val?" " How you doing, Dale?" " Michelle." " Dale. (LAUGHS)" " Michelle, Val, this is Jake." " (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)" " Hey there." " What's up?" "Oh, I love this song!" "Come on." "It's Jake." "Val." "Are you gonna ask me to dance, or are you just gonna stand there?" "I'm asking you to dance." "(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "Hey, what position do you play?" "Pitcher." "Oh, cool." "And you're a freshman?" "Yeah, yeah." "You?" "I'm a sophomore." "I live in the apartment next to Angie." "Oh, cool." "Hey, do you live in those new baseball houses?" "Yeah, yeah." "(LAUGHS)" "(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(BOYS SINGING ALONG)" "Oh, yes!" "Yes!" "Ooh, two at a time, bro!" "Shoot!" "Just a second." "Wait here a second." "Soul brother, what's the deal, man?" "I don't know, man." "Finn's got that Leeann chick in there." "(SIGHS)" "I'm gonna go upstairs real quick." " I'll be right back." " Huh?" "I'm gonna go upstairs real quick." "I'll be right back." "Okay." "Ah!" "Strike three." "Strike three." "Strike..." "BEUTER:" "And his answer is, his answer is," ""It needs some tail." And ol' Ben says," ""Well, that's what I told Mrs. Franklin." "She told me to go fly a kite!"" "(ALL LAUGHING)" ""Go fly a kite!"" "Oh, man, that's funny." " Hey, what's going on, Jacob?" " What's up, man?" "So, where you guys been tonight?" "Oh, shoot, man." "We went over to the Guaranteed Wholesome." "What about you?" "Uh, Sound Machine." "Sound Machine, all right." "Yeah." "Hey, Beuter." "I mean, Billy." "Uh..." "Look, man, I got a little lady downstairs who maybe wants to come up here and check out my album collection, you know?" "How about that?" "Hey, Jacob, didn't Coach Gordan say this afternoon that we weren't supposed to have girls upstairs?" "He said something about that, didn't he?" "Yeah." "Yeah, he did." "But, I mean, half the guys in this house just broke that rule, you know?" "So I kind of decided not to be like a one-man holdout on that." "Yeah." "Yeah, you is a team player, ain't you?" "Huh." "So, what you want me to do?" "(LAUGHS)" "I don't know, man." "Just, uh, do the right thing, you know?" "Give me the room alone for a bit." "Huh." "You know, man, but my girlfriend, she lives out of town, right?" "So what, you want me to just pitch a tent on the couch all the time, or what?" "Not all the time." "Just this little window of time." " Little window?" "Yeah." " Yeah." "Look, come on, man, you guys are already breaking the alcohol rule." "Or is there a waiver for Lone Star?" "Dang, that sure is Lone Star." "That's alcohol right there." "Alcoholic beverage in there." "I'll be danged." "Well, man, I'll tell you what," "I gotta get up early for registration in the morning." "Plus, I think Mr. Finnegan set up a room downstairs for that." "Yeah, he's in there." "Wow!" "Well, shoot," "I reckon he'll be out of there before too long, won't he?" "(SCOFFS)" "Un-fucking-believable." "You go get 'em, Jacob." "Go show her them albums." " (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (LAUGHING)" "JAKE:" "All right, bro." "Let's go somewhere quiet." "(VAL GIGGLES)" "(BOTH PANTING)" "I feel like the Astros are gonna make it to the World Series." "(EXHALES)" "(WOMAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)" "Tom, you know I wouldn't ask you this unless it were very important." "Erica's such a bitch." "Yeah, she's definitely cheating on him." "What?" " Hey, Beuter, you leaving us already?" " (ROPER LAUGHS)" "Running home to mama, Perkins?" "Come on, y'all, my name ain't Beuter." "Okay, guys?" "It's Billy Autrey." "Bullshit!" "It's Beuter Perkins until we tell you otherwise." "Now, where you going, BP?" "You running back to that corn-fed girlfriend of yours already?" "No, sir, I'll be back Sunday for practice." "Well, well, well!" "Looks like Beuter Perkins is getting laid this weekend." "Huh?" "You finally trading in that phone for the real thing?" "Shoot, y'all." "Man, guys, she says she might be pregnant." "No, sir." "Yeah, man, that's what she says." "How late is she?" "She's a day late." "(ALL JEERING)" "You gotta be shittin' me, Beuter!" "She's one day late and she's giving you shit for it?" "FINN:" "She's testing you." "She's trying to gauge your response." "Are you the guy that says," ""Don't worry, I'm gonna pay for the abortion,"" "or are you talking about marriage?" "Which is what she's hoping for." "Either way, you're fucked." "Give it up, Beuter Perkins." "No trust me, man, she's not fucking pregnant, all right?" "We've all been through shit like this." "Except for Nez, of course, 'cause he's still a virgin." "(LAUGHS)" "Look, she's just taking your little chicken-fried nuts and she's running them through the wringer, okay?" "She's just giving you shit for it because you left her back on the farm with all the other little pigs you used to fuck." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "I ain't never put it in a pig!" "They speaketh the truth, young Beuter Perkins." "Man, we're just worried about you, all right?" "Yeah, man." "I mean, school hasn't even started yet, and, guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but you are the official frontrunner for the Freshman Numb-Nut of the Year award, right, guys?" "The what award?" "Oh, it's the annual award." "We give it out to the most clueless freshman." "I think we've already started engraving his name on the plaque." "How do you spell "Beuter," by the way?" "My name is not Beuter!" "Uh, Beuter, we also got a bet going on whether your share of the phone bill is gonna be under or over $300." "We gotta pay the phone bill here?" "FINN:" "I've already done the calculations based on its usage thus far," " way over $300." " (ALL LAUGHING)" " PLAYER:" "Really?" " Oh, yeah." "$300 and a kid?" "Man, your life's gonna fucking suck." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Fine." "Fine." "Later, Beuter!" "ALL:" "Later, Beuter!" "Bye, Beuter!" "Beuter." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Five bucks says we never see him again." "Nez, he's gotta come back for his shit." "It's a bad bet." "This is why you're losing money all the time." "A good bet would be, I don't know," ""Is his girlfriend in his family tree?"" "Okay, five bucks that his girlfriend's in his family tree." "Okay, uh, first cousin, second cousin?" "First cousin, Finn." "See, that's a bad bet." "I'll take the bet." " Still bad odds." " First cousin?" "PLUM:" "So, what do most of the guys on the team major in?" "DALE:" "Besides baseball and pussy?" "FINN:" "Ah, you mean when a girl asks?" "That's easy." "Look, there are thousands and thousands of people majoring in all kinds of shit here." "But there's only 25 of us." "We're the best team on campus." "You got a football team that'll win about three games a year." "Basketball team hasn't won shit." "We are in the playoffs every year and we're always ranked nationally." "Dale, you're confusing him." "Bottom line is this, her friends are gonna ask," ""What's he like?" "What's he do?"" "She's not gonna have to say the old," ""I don't know." "He's a marketing major."" "That's not gonna cut it." ""He's a baseball player."" "(BOTH EXCLAIMING)" "See, now they got something special to talk about." ""How's your ballplayer doing?"" ""Oh, he's still stiff as a bat."" ""You still ballin' your player?"" ""Oh, he's sliding home."" "That's cool, that's cool and everything." "I like pussy." "But, you know, what about school?" "Like, what do I take?" "Oh, oh, oh." "That's easy, that's easy." "You get good at making the school-part work for you, right?" "It's like a puzzle, man." "What teachers will give you a break, what classes to take." "Hey, look, you gotta start the semester with 12 hours, all right?" "But you only gotta be passing nine to be eligible." "Drop one class, blow off another." "DALE:" "God damn it, Plummer!" "Call it!" "Wake up!" "PLUM:" "Oh!" "DALE:" "Whoo!" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" " NEZ:" "I kinda like our relationship." " Mmm." "It's like, I throw the junk and you get yourself out." "WILLOUGHBY:" "Fuck!" "JAKE:" "Was that a big deal for you, transferring in senior year?" "WILLOUGHBY:" "No, man, not really." "You know, I'll still have a few hours that I gotta complete, you know?" "I'll go back in late summer, graduate, do that thing." "And where's, uh, San Luis Obispo?" " Uh, California." " That's where you're from?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Sort of the central coast area." " Cool." "Cool." "Mmm..." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Very cool." "I'm from this, uh," " small town in the valley." " Yeah." " Hey, man, you get high?" " Yeah." "Yeah, here and there." "Yeah?" "Well, I don't know." "Couple of guys are gonna go burn this with me in my room pretty soon." " If you wanna join that." " Yeah." "Yeah, maybe." " Yeah?" "All right." "All right." " Cool." "BRUM:" "Whoo!" " I'll bet you 10 bucks." " Ten bucks?" " Yeah." "Ten bucks." " You wanna go..." "That's steep for you." "Best out of three." " So, I gotta get two?" " Yeah, Mac, two." "Okay." "You feel like losing 10 bucks?" "You're just excited to hit off me for once, huh?" "Oh, man." "I mean, this is gonna be fun." "This is gonna be very fun, Nesbit." "Man, let me get a little stretch in." "Come on." "Come on, Mr. Ax." "Strong Man." "Anytime." "PLUM:" "Fuck." "I don't believe what I just fucking saw." "You know how strong you'd have to be to do that?" " And the eyes!" " ROPER:" "Let me see that." "PLUM:" "You know how well you'd have to see the ball to hit it with an ax?" "Fucking crazy." "You just wouldn't listen, Nez." "You wanna go half price?" "We can stop now." "We can call it five bucks." " No, no, no." " Double or nothing." "Triple or nothing." "Huh?" "Yeah, you feeling lucky?" "I am." "I feel great with those odds." "Triple or nothing sounds fantastic." "Maybe one of the best days of my life here, Nez." "You know, until tomorrow." "(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)" "What was that?" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "DALE:" "You're gonna be squashed, Jake." "Ooh." "I hate this game." "It starts out easy, and then it just gets fucking impossible." "I'm telling you." "Yeah, man, I must've wasted, like, $200 in quarters on this bitch last summer, just getting reamed by these little fuckers." "You can't win." "Once they get up on you, you're fucked." "Sounds of amateurs who have not yet mastered the gap method." "PLUM:" "What the fuck is the gap method?" "JAKE:" "You're looking at it, Plum." "Like you were saying, most people lose at this point not because they get shot, but because they get overrun." "But I discovered that they actually don't shoot you from the absolute front row." " Shit, they don't?" " No." "You just gotta create a clearing of columns." " You see what I'm doing right there?" " Yeah." "Make your space, okay?" "You just hold your ground in there." "Just gets a little hairy." "They speed up at the end." "See that guy?" "See how fast he's going?" "All right?" "But you just gotta remain calm, meet them in the middle and..." "Fucking nailed that!" "Fuckin A, man!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "Gimme some dap!" "Gimme some dap!" " Oh, shit, come on." " Oh, shit." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "ALL:" "Oh!" "It's the same shot every time!" " Same shot every time!" " All right." "You know, um, Mac?" "I..." "This is supposed to be fun, and now I'm not having fun." "Well, it's not his fault." "It's our fault." "Thank you." " You can't teach this chemistry." " You can't." "We've been together for three years!" "I know where I'm going with it before he even gets it to me." "Yeah, and I know where he wants it." " That's special." " FINN:" "Let me talk, man." " ROPER:" "That ass is golden." " Absolutely, say no more." "Whoa." "Hey." "The bitch stick?" "Are you kidding me?" "What, I'm just trying to make the shot." "Okay." "Not with this you're not." "Okay, Brum, have your balls dropped?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "Okay, now play like you got some fucking semen in your sack, Brum." "Okay." " Okay?" "All right." " Okay. (CHUCKLES)" " What the hell is this?" " Please." "(GRUNTING)" " What are you doing?" " Putting it on." " First time wearing cologne?" " No." "Get it on there, man." "Get it under your arms and on your chest." "Don't just put it on your neck." "Come on." "I don't know, man. (SNIFFS)" "Too much of this smells like cat piss." "Yeah, no shit." "Trying to help you out, and you're gonna question me?" "Jesus." "I'm telling you, man, chicks dig this shit." "All right?" "Now you can come back here and do the five-knuckle shuffle all night if you want to." "I don't really care." "What's the five-knuckle shuffle?" " Jesus, freshman, figure it out, man." " Oh. (LAUGHS)" "Hey, good one, McReynolds." "You're so fucking desperate, dude." "Desperate for pussy!" "(LAUGHS)" "(EXHALES)" "This shirt makes me fucking sad, man." "Uh, what's up, guys?" "You lost?" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, I got the best cheese on campus." "I mean, girls, they come up to me out of the blue and they say," ""You got the best cheese on campus."" "JAKE:" "Yeah?" "Sure those pants couldn't be a little tighter there?" "(EXHALING SHARPLY) Nope." "No?" "What are you doing?" "I'm going through your album collection." "Oh, okay, don't mind me." "ROPER: (LAUGHS) Holy shit!" "Nesie, look at what I found here." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "ROPER: "2nd Team All-State."" " Yeah, so?" " You're a fucking badass!" "Hey, guys!" "We got a 2nd Team All-Stater among us!" " Fuck off with that shit, boy." " (LAUGHS)" "Golly gee, you're good." "You're good." "Hey, I'm sure afraid to hit off you, 2nd Team All-State." "Yeah, I'm scared." "Ooh!" "2nd Team All-State." " ROPER:" "Scariness." " Wait." "Oh, wait." "Did I ask you guys to be in my room right now?" "No." "No." "Goodbye." "Well, look at you. (SCOFFS)" "Nice fucking life you got here, Joe College." "I mean, you got your whole room to yourself for the weekend, and you got your albums." "This is mine now." "Borrowing this." "Hey, wait." "Hey, no." "Hey, you return that with one scratch on it, Nez..." "What?" "What?" "What?" "Just return my album, man." "What?" "What?" "What?" "(KNOCKS)" "(SOFTLY) Ooh." "Fuck, that guy's weird." "(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)" "Oh, yeah, 95 on the gun, official." "Could've gone to anywhere in Texas." "I had a stack of offers about that high, that high." " Almost went to USC." " Were you drafted?" "Yeah, yeah." "The Blue Jays almost picked me up, but I told them I'm going to college for a couple of years." " Good move." " Yeah, yeah." " You drafted?" " No." "McReynolds was." "Really?" "Hmm." "PLUM:" "You got some moves." "Alison, right?" "Like your dress." " Blue, like your eyes." " Baseball team." " Shit, you like baseball, too?" " Some nice..." "Fuck." "Fuck it, man." " (SIGHS) We suck tonight." " Dude, this is getting ridiculous." "We suck so fucking hard." "I'm gonna get a drink." "Man's drink!" " A real drink!" "(LAUGHS)" " Yeah!" "Yeah, do that!" "Way to go!" "All right." "I'll see you guys in a bit." " Right." "See ya." " Okay." "All right." "God, am I the only person living in reality here?" "That I'm not gonna be playing this game forever?" "Hey, man, you gotta appreciate it while it lasts, you know?" "I mean, I'm a good college player." "But beyond that, I'm not counting on anything." "Screwdriver!" "This place is fucking awesome." "(LAUGHS)" "I've been dancing up on like five girls all night long, man." "That's not true, though." "You haven't danced with one girl yet." "Yeah, I have." "Oh, yeah." "Before you got here." "I was all up on 'em, man." "Hey, who's that douchebag she's dancing with?" "DALE:" "Oh, Thompson?" "He's a football player." "What a dyke!" "PLUM:" "Man, this is savage." "We're getting fucking hosed out here." "JAKE:" "Fucking sucks." "You know what?" "I mean, taking account of the situation, we're not doing so hot, but we're in the early innings." " We got a whole game to play." " Yeah." "FINN:" "This is college, Jake, all right?" "The girls can be as big of sluts as the guys!" "Make it work for you." "Hey, screwdriver!" "Okay?" "It's not the writing of the Magna fucking Carta!" "That's a book." "Who drinks a screwdriver, anyway?" "I drink a fucking screwdriver!" "Everybody I know drinks a fucking screwdriver." "You know who drinks a screwdriver?" " My little sister drinks a screwdriver too." " Oh, really?" "Does she?" "Does she have blue eyes and a big ass like you?" "Huh?" "I bet she has a big ass." " Big mouth!" " Yeah." "(EXHALES)" "Did he just flick a lime in my drink?" "(EXHALES) Did he just fucking..." "It's a fucking screwdriver!" "You don't flick a fucking lime!" "You don't have lime in a screwdriver!" "Hey, motherfucker!" "Let's go, fucking Pancho Villa!" "I'm gonna come back there, and I'll fucking make you my bitch, man!" "Don't act like you don't like me just because I got good hair!" "Now he's giving me the old-fashioned stare down!" "All right, that's a fucking stare down!" "Dude, you're staring, he's cool." "Oh, no, he's not cool!" "No, he's not fucking cool!" "You're back there having a fucking good time!" "I'll come show you a good time." "I'll come over the bar and show you a good time." " Let's go." "Let's go." " I'm not gonna do anything." "(SCREAMS)" "Hey!" "No, you fucking stay." "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" "Back off!" "Don't touch me!" "Don't touch me!" "MANAGER:" "Out of the club!" "Right the fuck now!" "Get them out!" "All baseball players out of here!" "I mean it!" "BOUNCER:" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Get them out!" "Right now." "Get them out." "Don't bring him back here again, you get me?" "Let's go, boys." "Let's go!" "Hey!" "MANAGER:" "Keep walking." "I'm gonna fucking defend myself!" "No!" "One more chance!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you, you jackoffs!" "Bunch of fucking numb-nuts!" "(SHOUTING CONTINUES)" "Suck my dick, man!" " BOUNCER:" "You fucking asshole!" " Stupid fucking asshole!" "Don't bring your ass around here!" "JAY:" "Bunch of fucking numb-nuts!" "ROPER:" "What the fuck, Niles!" "DALE:" "Well, that was ugly." "I don't know, just based on an outsider's perspective, totally avoidable." "JAY:" "Well, I'm a fucking raw dog, all right?" "Raw dog!" "Anybody who fucks with me, they don't get fucked with back!" "They get fucking killed!" "COMA:" "The only thing you killed tonight was the prospect of any of us getting laid!" "Your fucking junkyard dog routine from fucking Detroit might make you feel tough, but it's not helping out any of your fucking teammates." "Watch that shit in the future." "It's crazy we're fucking defending this guy." "(STAMMERS) It's all so damn tribal." "It's the pack mentality, animal instincts." "All the adrenaline!" "Guys." "Hey, guys." "I got a new plan." "We're gonna shift our focus from disco snatch to country poon." "All right?" "No cover, free beer till 11:00 at Guaranteed Wholesome." "Okay, fucking no cover, free beer!" "We can't afford not to go!" "Fuck you, Sound Machine!" "Let's fucking go!" " JAY:" "Fuck you, Sound Machine!" " Whoo!" "I got seven of my bucks back!" "Ha-ha!" "Let's do it!" "ALL:" "No, no, no, no!" "I don't know where the hell you think you're going." "You sitting this one out with that "raw dog" bullshit." " Sit!" " Heel, boy." "Heel, boy." " Fetch." " Yeah!" "I get it." "I get it." "I get it!" "I'll fucking go home." "I got shit to do." "I'll do some pushups." "How's that sound?" "I'll do some pushups, do some abs." "I'll come back looking awesome!" "I'll read a book." "Fuck it!" "I'll fucking run home." "Yeah!" "Fuck it!" "Fuck it!" "Hey, check your pillows, man!" " What the fuck does that mean?" " Fuck if I know." "Fuck's that mean?" "Let's fucking go." "I don't know about this country bar, man." "Wait, wait, wait." "What the Charlie Pride are you talking about?" "We're just gonna do a quick wardrobe change, and we're there." "All right, I gotta say," "I hate all this Cotton-Eyed Joe," ""Looking for love in all the wrong places."" "What, Disco Boy now wearing a cowboy hat and boots and shit?" " Yeah." " It's unbelievable that's trendy now everywhere!" "Does that mean you're not going?" "I didn't say that." " (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) - (WHOOPING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(INDISTINCT)" "Crank it up, sweetheart!" "Come on, baby!" "All right, crank it up!" "Whoo!" "You're not detecting an anti-pitcher bias around here?" "No, man." " No?" " No!" " I sure as hell am." " Mmm." "Well, let me tell you something, Jake." "It is lonely out on the bump, man." "You know, hitters, they got no idea what that's like." "They don't know the first thing about it, you know?" "It's the most important part of the game, hands down, and yet it is a complete mystery to them." "Yeah, no shit, but it's almost like they view us as a necessary evil." "Well, yeah, man, we kind of are, you know?" "Mmm." "But that doesn't make them bad guys." "You know, they're just..." "They're a little scared of us." "You know?" "We're fucking weird, man!" "We're different!" "And the trick is, what's the trick?" "I don't know." "Tell me." "The trick is, you can't fight it." "You gotta accept it." "You gotta fucking embrace your inner fucking strange, man." "Just be fucking weird, you know?" "And when you do that, you bring who you are, never who they want." "And that, my friend, is when it gets fun." "So, all of y'all play on the baseball team?" "Yeah, we got all nine positions covered." "And then some." "This one, this one loves catching our balls, don't you, Plum?" "He's an animal husbandry major." "(CHUCKLES) What?" "I'm actually studying to be a cunnilinguist." "Ooh, what's that?" "It's a major you can actually practice before graduating." "Sometimes I feel like I'm just, you know, buried in my work, but I feel like it's important to give back, you know?" " DJ:" "Y'all know what time it is!" " Oh, my God!" "It's time to grab your partner dosey-do 'cause here we come with Cotton-Eyed Joe!" "(BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PEOPLE WHOOPING)" " DJ:" "Hey, what'd you say?" " ALL:" "Bullshit!" " Y'all say what?" " Bullshit!" " You're steppin' in what?" " Bullshit!" "(SINGING)" "(ALL WHOOPING)" " Hey, what'd you say?" " ALL:" "Bullshit!" " Stepped in what?" " Bullshit!" " A big pile of what?" " Bullshit!" "Cotton-Eyed Joe." "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" "PLUM:" "Damn you, Jake!" " Eight up!" "Eight up!" "Let's go!" "Let's do it!" " JAY:" "Eight-eight." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Okay." "Let's go!" "Get the ball now." " Whoa, fuck!" " That's for you, babe!" " It's our ball." " Damn it!" " Detroit?" " What?" "What?" "Ball in!" "(BOTH CHEERING)" "Night and day!" "FINN:" "See, the perfect rim ingredients keep the drink on its toes." "It simultaneously complements then conflicts." "What I like to do is a little sugar, cayenne pepper, you add a little whiskey, mmm, a little lime." " Finn?" " Yeah?" "Hey, yeah, I just want a fucking drink, man." "Pardon me for trying to class up the joint." "Don't get low." "(BOTH YELLING)" "MAC:" "That's right, freshman." "Yeah, you keep up that funky-ass spin shit." "I've got you figured out, son." "Yeah, that's just what I want." "You thinking you got me clocked, then I set you up." "I'll let you know when I feel threatened." "(SPECTATORS EXCLAIMING)" "You feeling threatened yet?" "(ALL LAUGH)" "All right, smartass." " 19-17." " Actually, it's 17 -19." "Thank you, Nesbit!" "17 -19, is that better?" "Uh..." "No, I'm scared now, but, yeah..." "Can we fucking play now?" "God damn it!" "Glen, get your head out of your fucking ass!" "Let's go!" " 20-17!" " 17 -point." "I swear to fucking God!" "Shut your mouth!" "17 -point!" "Hey, good game, man." "Let's play again." " Fuck!" " (CLATTERING)" "(CLEARS THROAT) Fuck." "Stupid fucking game!" " My dad was a table..." " Fuck off." "Now I gotta put out that fucking fire." " JAKE:" "That dude needs to relax." " Thanks, Jake." "I told you so, man." "He broke the fucking paddle." "Look at that shit." "ALL: (CHANTING SOFTLY) Jake." "Jake." "Jake." "Jake." "Here." "Uh-oh." "If things calm down, Nez, you're next, bro." " Fuck!" " You're up, man." "I don't think you could use that one, though." "He does not like losing, at all!" "(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Lot of Twilight Zones, man." "(CHUCKLING) Yeah." "Almost every single episode." "Recorded them all over the last year or so." "JAKE:" "Yeah, you got that one where the lady, she's getting the surgery to correct how ugly she is?" " Yeah!" " So she gets surgery, but it turns out that she's beautiful, and everyone else is, like, hideous." "Yeah, yeah, absolutely, dude." " You know what that's called?" " JAKE:" "No." " "The Eye of the Beholder."" " Yeah, yeah, that one." "Yeah, Season 2, Episode 5, if I'm not mistaken." "DALE:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Whoa there, Willoughby." "There's no way you're gonna suck that down" " in one hit, man." " (CHUCKLES)" "Yeah." "Yeah." "There's gonna be too much smoke." "You know, like, there's not even enough room in your body for the amount of smoke there's gonna be." "Really?" "Well, take notes, boys, 'cause I grew up on two rivers." "All right, I got fucking swimmer's lungs." "I'm a river rat." "And don't forget, he does have a double chamber cooling system on that thing." "I don't care if he grew up on 40 fucking rivers, it's just not happening." "(CHUCKLING) Okay." "Okay." "Well, get ready." "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "Oh!" "Oh, shit, no, no, no." "Is it?" "(DALE LAUGHS)" " Oh, my God." " Un-fucking real, man." " Shit!" " DALE:" "Fucking unreal." "PLUM:" "Super-human!" "Wow, man." "Fucking mahogany rush, man." "(COUGHS)" "Oh, you know, I don't wanna be presumptuous." "I know that I only have been here for a few days, but I'm pretty sure that that is a new school record." "Bullshit." "Bullshit." "Just..." "Let's break that school record right fucking now." "Oh, yeah?" "All right." " I don't know, dude." " Go for it, man." "God." "Listen to this song." "Listen to this progression here, okay?" "Listen to how it goes up." "It steps up from one moment to another and leads you there, just... (SCATTING)" " (COUGHS)" " Oh, yes." "I mean, look, you can play an E pentatonic scale at 100 miles an hour till somebody's ears burn off, you can learn that, right?" "But finding the tangents within the framework, therein lies the artistry, man." "You know, a fucking bunch of dudes jump around on stage, jerking each other off, you know, in spandex, isn't fucking music." "I don't know, man." "I kinda like Van Halen." "Well, yeah, Plum, you do." "And you know why you do?" "Because corporate America is shoving something down your throat and making you believe it, because that's what they want you to believe." "I mean, guys, it's about finding out who you are in the space in-between the notes that they're offering you." "I mean, you gotta tune in, man." "You gotta tune in." "You know, (STAMMERING) and don't be afraid to let the experience find you." "It's like Carl Sagan says, man," ""The beauty of a living thing isn't about the atoms that go into it," ""it's how those atoms are put together."" "I mean, language, fucking language." "What is language?" "Language is a construct, man." "You know?" "And we used to be telepathic." "Humans were telepathic, man." "We could just..." "Right here." "You know?" "The fucking Mayans knew it, man." "The Druids fucking knew it." "And you think the way things are going now that we're ever gonna get that back?" " Fucking no." " No." "Do you guys wanna try a little telepathic shit?" "Let's do it." "Okay, lock in." "Lock in." " You locked in?" "All right." " Yeah." "(INHALES DEEPLY)" " What am I thinking about?" " Baseball." " Having a tail." " Cereal?" "Fuck." "Dude, I was thinking about sharks." " (SIGHS) Fuck!" " I was thinking about sharks." "Sharks have tails." "That's a good point." "That's a good point." "I wish I had a tail." "Fuck, that'd be awesome." " ROPER:" "Oh, my God." " Fuck you!" "NEZ:" "I'll take one." "ROPER:" "Sharpshooter status, right here." "Coming at you!" "Coming at you!" " (EXCLAIMS) - (EXHALES)" "Been working out." "Hey!" "Man-child here thinks he can take me." "Even though he knows I'm the reigning knuckles champ." "Two years in a row." "Undefeated." "Bitch." "Hey, have you noticed everything around here's a competition, huh?" "Even taking hits from bongs." "(CHUCKLES)" " Look at you, ping-pong pimp." " Yeah!" "You see that back there though?" "Mac almost took my head off." "DALE:" "Hey, look, if Mac wanted to take your head off with that paddle, he would have." "All right, man, he just don't like losing at anything." " None of us do." " (VIDEO GAME BEEPS)" "Fuck yeah!" "Okay, look, that's just, what, Willoughby, borderline insane?" " About there?" "(LAUGHS)" " Yeah, border." "Borderline." "Well, you notice how everybody was somewhat courteous" " on the first day or so?" " Yeah." "See, now the gloves are off." "All of our true assholish nature is emerging." "Ah." "Not very healthy." "DALE:" "Until we get out on the field, Jakie." "This, this, all of this, this is why we're one of the best teams in the nation, man." "You get a bunch of competitors together..." " Yeah." " And you're addicted to winning." "That's a championship team right there..." " Oh, I see." " Flicking each other's knuckles." "(NEZ EXCLAIMS)" " BRUM:" "All right." " Damn!" "That's all swolled up." "That's gonna be erupting like Mount St. Helens or some shit, man." " (FLICKS KNUCKLES) - (NEZ GROANS)" " BRUM:" "You had enough?" " (GROANS)" "FINN:" "See, you can tell a lot about somebody from these stupid little competitions." "JAKE:" "Really?" "FINN:" "Yeah, something's always revealed, like..." "Are you a competitor?" "Are you a gamer?" "You know, can you find a way to overcome all obstacles to practically will yourself to victory." "Or, are you a..." " Fuck it!" " Quitter?" " I'm fucking done, all right!" " (LAUGHING)" " Folded like a lawn chair." " Yup." "Yup, yup, yup." " Good game, man." " You can't..." "No, you can't beat me twice in a row!" "I know that for a fucking fact!" "And it's best two out of three, okay?" "Them's the rule, Brums!" " Okay, man." " Okay, all right!" " Give me my hat, all right?" " (LAUGHING)" "Stop laughing, Coma!" "It's not fucking funny!" "Tomorrow, same time, all right?" " Sure thing." " (ALL LAUGHING)" "Stop laughing, Dale!" "BRUM:" "Hey, you're still the champ!" "NEZ:" "Fuck off, Brum!" "You'll always be the champ, Nesie." "Shut up." "Let's go." " Hey, did you guys see me win?" " Put your fucking hands up." "PLUM:" "Who are these people?" "Like this guy with the backpack?" "And this dude on the porch?" "Like, I know what we're doing here." "You know, we're playing baseball." "What are all these other guys doing here?" "COMA:" "Yeah, I think that, too." "Like, what would it be like to go through life knowing there's no way you'd ever play pro ball?" "Exactly." "All these people never be anything more than some dude doing some job, just like everybody else." "Bradford!" "Ha-ha!" "Holy shit!" "Justin?" " Hey!" " What's up, man?" " How you doing?" " This is where you living?" "As of right now, but hey, don't let them know." "These are my teammates." "Plum, Finn, and Coma." " What's going on, fellas?" " Hey, guys, this is Justin." "We used to play ball in high school together." " PLUM:" "What's up?" " What's happening, man?" "Not much." "But hey, I'm loving this new look." " Oh, yeah?" " This new 'do!" "I love this." "What, is it pledge week?" " Yeah." "Fuck you, too." " (CHUCKLES)" " Come on, let's get a beer." "Come in." " Yeah." "Hey, you guys want a beer?" "Come on." " Why not?" " Why?" "JUSTIN:" "This is my old high school buddy, Jake." "Hey, you still with Gretchen?" "Fuck Gretchen!" "(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)" "JAKE:" "Hey, you gotta walk me through this, man." "What, you just wake up one morning just fucking... (YELLS)" "Nah, man." "It's as simple as this." "You go to a show, meet a couple of cute girls, get drunk, later that night they're chopping bits of your hair off, giving you real bangs. (LAUGHS)" "Used to, I'd be like, "No, don't do that."" "But now that I don't play" " on a team anymore..." " (HUMMING) or I'm doing anything particularly "respectable,"" "I'm like, fuck it!" "Whatever, man." "Mmm." "Oh, we're going to a show soon." "Man, there are six bands in town, some from L.A., some from Austin." "We're gonna go in a bit." "You guys wanna join?" "Uh, we've got our party tonight." "Yeah, yeah, we should probably set up for it, right?" "No, it's not till later." "Yeah." "No, we're just walking around, heading to the Student Center." "Student Center?" "Come with us." "Come on, we'll fix you up!" "You guys down for that?" "Uh..." "Finn?" " Of course we're down!" " JUSTIN:" "Yeah!" "Come on, man." "What about Costello or the Talking Heads?" "They're great." "Devo and The Cars, look, there's a lot of decent stuff out there." "We got a whole 'nother thing going on around here." "This?" "This is ours." "(CHUCKLES) At least take the sunglasses off, man." "You look like a fucking narc." "Hey, I don't think we really fit in here." "No, no, you don't fit in." "Okay, I told you to change." "Will you at least untuck your shirt?" "You look like a Bible salesman." "These people could really use a Bible!" "Got both of them." "Whoo!" " (PLAYING PUNK MUSIC) - (SINGING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "I'm starting to have an identity crisis here." "What are you talking about?" "Look at us, man." "The last three nights, we've danced at a disco, total mindless disco music, danced the Cotton-Eyed Joe in kicker attire, and here we are, punks for a night." "It sort of begs the question about who we really are." "Are you insecure about the duck feet?" "So insecure about the duck feet." "The duck feet look great, dude." " Serious?" "Promise?" " Yeah, they look great." "Look, I'll tell you who we are." "We're a couple of guys who are gonna do whatever it takes to get laid." "That's who we are." "It just seems a little phony." "It's not phony." "Okay?" "It's adaptive." "All right, think about this." "There are animals, salmon, spiders that will literally die in the process of mating." "I mean, what are we doing?" "We're switching around our wardrobe a little bit." " It's camouflage!" " (MUSIC CONTINUES)" "You need to stop thinking so much." "You're fucking yourself up." "Oh!" "Dude, look at you, man." "You're one to talk." "I actually don't think that much." "I actually don't think at all." "I just, you know, I talk a lot." "This is the jazz improv." "You're invited." "FINN:" "Uh-oh." "JAKE:" "What?" "FINN:" "Listen." "Hear that?" "That's the Gilligan's Island theme song!" "Yes, it is." "You can make a punk song out of that?" "Coming full circle." "It's all coming around." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Are you liking it?" "I'm liking it." "Shall we go?" "(YELLS)" "ROPER:" "This might be our best batch." "NEZ: (LAUGHS) This is gonna be the best ever." "That's some pussy shit." "It tastes like fruit punch." "Well, that's the sign of a good coon dog punch, Coma." "No, no, not until Coma gets in here." "All right," " so this is about done." " Mmm-hmm." "What I need you to do is take that sifter, and then pour about half of that." " Okay." " Just about half." "Into the bowl." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "PLUM: (CHEERING) Brain dead, let's go!" "All right!" "Jake!" "Where you fucking been, man?" "What's up?" "You got some catching up to do." "Get in here!" "You're up!" " GIRL:" "Go, go, go." " (PEOPLE CHEERING)" " GIRL:" "Oh, my God." " Oh!" "Hey!" "(LAUGHS)" "Welcome to the fucking party, Jake!" " (GIRLS LAUGHING)" " Yeah, baby!" "You know what they call me?" "The raw dog. (CHUCKLES)" "You wanna know why?" "'Cause I'm the fucking raw dog, man." "FINN:" "It's not about the ingredients, it's about the way the ingredients make you feel." "The experience." "That's why I say, "Indulge in temptation."" "I'm not watching." "(CHUCKLES)" "(SLURPS)" " Are you serious?" " Ow!" "(GROANS)" "Okay." "Chug it, Justin!" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Whoo-hoo!" " Whoo!" " Yeah!" "Here we go." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Oh!" " Yes." " (YELLS)" "WILLOUGHBY:" "So, where is the flag?" "FINN:" "Right there, Volkswagen." "Oh, there's the flag." " Ready?" " Aim..." "BOTH:" "Fire." "Oh!" " (LAUGHS)" " Wow." " You are a natural." " Thank you." " I don't know." "I don't know." " Let's go!" " (GIRL SQUEALS) - (ALL GROANING)" "Come on, no one on their deathbed is filled with regrets of the things they've done." "It's those things they didn't do." "You're not gonna let this be one of those things, are you?" "I guess not." "Of course not!" "Yeah?" "Competitors ready?" "Go!" "(ALL CHEERING)" " Yeah." " Go!" " BOY:" "Yeah!" " GIRL:" "Whoo!" "(WHOOPING)" "(YELLS)" "Okay, baby!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(CHEERING)" "(GROANING)" " Let's go!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Let's go!" "(BOTH YELLING)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " Phone." " What, man?" "Dude, some chick on the line, man." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Said she wanted to squat on your boner." "(LAUGHING)" "(MOUTHING)" " Hello?" " (DOOR CLOSES)" "Hi." "Is this the guy that left the flowers on my door?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, you're the quiet guy in the back seat, Jake." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hi." "Hi." "It's the quote-unquote "auburn-haired girl in 307."" "That was just so there wouldn't be any confusion, but, uh, wow, I'm glad you called." "That was quick." "Yeah, no, I mean, it was the least I could do after you went to all that trouble." "How did you know what room I was in?" "I'm an Investigative Journalism major." "(IN GERMAN ACCENT) I have very special ways." "So, uh, I guess you know my name then." "Yes." "As soon as you tell me." "Huh." "Well, Jake, it's so interesting, 'cause I feel like there..." "Investigative Journalism is not an official major here, but my name is Beverly." "Hello, Beverly." "Hey." "So, what do you study?" "What, the old "What's your major" question?" "Is that really what you're asking me?" "I don't know." "Hey, that's not really fair." "I took special care." "I didn't say that word, okay?" "I'm just..." "I'm curious." "Maybe you study poetry, with that..." "(BLOWS RASPBERRY) charming Rod McKuen bit you quoted in your note." "Ah, I'm pretty sure that'd be Whitman." "I was just testing you." "You pass." "A. A-minus." "So, what do you, uh, concentrate on here?" "I concentrate on theater and dance, performing arts." " Really?" " Mmm-hmm." "That's so cool, wow." "What do you do?" "I mean, you didn't really answer me." "You just made fun of me." "Oh, I'm, uh, I'm on the baseball team." " Really?" " Yeah." " No." " Yeah." "You don't really seem like it." "Seem like what?" "(STAMMERS)" "Aren't most athletes kind of..." " Kind of dumb?" " No, no, no." "No, not dumb necessarily." "Single-minded, and..." " Okay, dumb." " You know, actually, there's probably the same ratio of intelligence on my baseball team as there is anywhere else." "Which isn't very much." "Unfortunately true." " Hey, Jake." " Yeah?" "I kinda hate talking on the phone for extended periods of time." "It feels so high school." " Yeah." "Yeah, I know." " Right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, and now that I've determined I don't really think you're the Hillside Strangler anymore, um..." "I think." "Do you, uh, maybe wanna continue this conversation in person?" " I don't know." " Yeah." " Yeah?" "Okay." " Yeah." "Well, I'm around for the next couple of hours." "Oh..." "Out, actually, for the rest of the day and most of the night, though." "Okay, so should I come over like right now?" "If you want." "Cool, yeah, okay." "I'll head over pretty soon then." "Okay." "Pretty soon." "Then I'll see you then." " Okay, cool." "Yeah, see you." " Pretty soon." "Okay." "(SOFTLY) Fuck." "So, what's your strategy?" "What's the game plan?" "Don't tell me you're flying blind into this thing." "Dude, I don't know." "I mean, she's cool." "She's smart, you know?" "Not one of these airheads we got running around here." "Okay." "Well, then just don't come across like a dumb jock." "All right, her antennas are out." "She's gonna be looking for signs of dip-shitification." "Yeah." "You trying to make me nervous?" "No, like they say, pressure's a choice." "Well, you gotta approach it like getting out on the mound, taking an at bat." "Yeah." "Put everything else out of your mind." "Hey, Coma." "Just let natural ability take over." "Mmm-hmm." "Assuming, you know, you have natural ability." "Ah." "A, fuck you." "B, bye." "Ah." "C, she say if her roommate's gonna be there?" "(GRUNTS) D, I don't know." "Why?" "E, 'cause I think I'm gonna, you know, grant her the old Finnegasm." "Here, I'm coming with you." " No, F that and you." " No, Jake, Jake!" "Come on, Jake!" "Just trying to help you!" "Ungrateful kid." "Coma, wake up!" " Hey." " Hi, Jake." " Wanna come in?" "Okay." " Sure." "Yeah." "(CHUCKLES)" "BEVERLY:" "Rock 'n' roll isn't about being glamorous or hip, it's a force." "It's a revolutionary, political, sexual and poetic force." "Yeah." "You're not one of those guys that thinks that" "Jim Morrison is still alive, are you?" " Uh, no." " Good." "Why?" "I found it to be a good litmus test." "(WHISPERING) Any other litmus tests?" "(CHUCKLING) Not at the moment." "So, you were really good at baseball in high school?" "Yeah." "I mean, every guy here was the baddest guy on his high school team." "You know, that's a big adjustment to make." "You want a Dr. Pepper?" "No, no, I'm all right, thanks." "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "You know, not only are you not the best guy on the team, you know, you're barely even good enough to be here." "Yeah." "You know?" "It's a little intimidating." "What about you?" "You play any sports in high school?" "No." "We didn't even have any sports, no." " No?" " No." "But it's the same thing that you're saying with the performing arts." "Everybody here was the best in their high school, got the lead in every play, and now we're just gonna be hoping to get cast in anything." "And there's a lot of talent around." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Where did you go to high school?" "HSPVA." "Which, although it sounds like a venereal disease..." "Yeah." "It's actually High School for Performing and Visual Arts." " Like the one in Fame?" " Kind of." "We weren't spontaneously performing in the streets in large groups or anything, but we were so ridiculous." "Like, the theater kids would be hysterically crying in the bathroom stalls, visual artists like (SNORTS) anything they could find." "Dancers... (RETCHING)" "And musical theater kids..." "La-la-la!" "It was so fun, I loved it!" "Yeah, I loved it." "And it was a great place to be able to cultivate the thing that you loved most in life, you know?" "So you're really serious." "Yeah, I'm moving to New York the second I graduate." " Really?" " Yeah." "God, I can't wait." "So, what's this thing you're doing later?" "Oh..." "Helping decorate for a party at Oz." "Mmm." "What's Oz?" "This big house just outside of town, where a lot of theater majors live." "And apparently the party's a first weekend tradition." "They, like, recruited us freshmen to help set up." " Probably do the shit work." " Nice." "Um, you could probably come, if you want." " Cool." "Yeah, cool." " Yeah, might be fun." "I mean, we have our first practice this afternoon, but yeah." "Yeah, it sounds great." "Cool." "Is it baseball season now?" "Mmm-mmm." "Okay." "Well, when do you stop, like, rehearsals and start doing the actual game?" "Well, the official season doesn't start till the spring, but we got a big fall schedule." " Uh-huh." " It's just a players-only practice to kick things off." "Oh, you know, it's kind of a dress-up party tonight." "You could come all sweaty and in your uniform." "People might think you're method, I don't know." "Might be a hit with the ladies." "Now I definitely gotta be there." "(LAUGHS)" "FINN:" "You're seriously trying?" "NEZ:" "No, not right now, but I can't do it." "FINN:" "It's impossible." "I..." "NEZ:" "I've never been able to do it." "FINN:" "I know a lot about the human body, and I've never seen anything like that." "ROPER:" "Watch this." "You ready?" "Try to move." "(NEZ GRUNTING)" "FINN:" "We all tried it." "ROPER:" "No." "It's impossible." "Oh." "What's up, dude?" "You gotta see this." "What is it?" "It's this physiological phenomenon." "You close your eyes and somebody places a thumb below the chest bone in the solar plexus, semi-paralyzes the whole upper torso." " He can't sit up." " That's ridiculous." " From here to here." " Go on, show me." "Dude, the whole team's tried it." " Try it again, Nesbit." " Okay." " (GROANS) - (LAUGHING)" "Nope." "I'm telling you, it's absolutely impossible." "JAKE:" "It's a thumb on your fucking chest, Nesbit." " ROPER:" "You can't, no." " Get up." "I wanna give it a shot." "I'm just saying, you can't do it." "I know, he thinks he can." "All right." "Make sure and close your eyes, 'cause that shuts down the spinal." "Okay, so shut up." " Shut your eyes..." " Mmm-mmm." " (EXHALES) - and on the count of three, finger in the solar plexus, count of three, try to sit up." "One, two, three." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Good job, baby!" "Good job!" "(WHOOPING)" "That's what I'm talking about, man!" " FINN:" "Beautifully played." " Oh!" "The hiney was flawless." "(LAUGHS)" "It all comes down to how well you sell it, 'cause when he was coming in," "I was saying "impossible," and then when you put the..." " And I was like... (GRUNTS) - "What is he doing?"" " The leg stuff." " How does that happen?" "Hey, at least it was before practice, all right?" "'Cause had it been after practice, who knows what fucking sweaty and encrusted items" "I might've encountered up your ass crack." "You're a freshman, too." "Not supposed to be hazing me." "Hey, Jake, man, I'm sorry, all right?" "They made me do it." "They just got me five minutes ago." "I'm sorry." "Hey, and, you, with all your physiological phenomena bullshit." "Okay, you know, we all take turns being chumps around here." "Now, you accept your chumpification, you wear it well, and you pass it on." "It's all you can do." "Well, well, well, if it ain't Beuter Perkins!" "Hey!" "Speaking of." "ROPER:" "Hey, Beuter!" "MAC:" "Beuter Perkins!" "All right now, boys, it's Billy Autrey, okay?" "Did you give her two solid inches, Beuter?" "Hey, so, Pops, you pick out a name yet?" " No, sir." "She got the rag." " ALL:" "Aww!" "Really?" "No fucking way!" " Hey, what's wrong with Jacob?" " (JAKE GROANS)" " Oh, you gotta see this." " Yeah." "It's this physiological phenomenon." "You close your eyes, and somebody places their finger below the chest bone, in the solar plexus, it semi-paralyzes the whole torso." " (JAKE GRUNTS)" " Impossible to move." " How about that?" " Hey, Beut, you gotta try this." "One of them old phenomegans, huh?" "(STRAINING) I can't." "Fucking I can't." "BEUTER:" "I'll let you boys deal with that hocus-pocus junk." "NEZ:" "Isn't that how you always fuck?" "(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)" "Rally back." "(GRUNTS) So, how'd it go with the Beverly chick?" "PLUM:" "Yeah, man, you get it in?" "She's cool, you know?" "Went about as well as it could've." "Probably meeting up with her at a party later tonight." "What?" "What party?" "It's just something for a bunch of performing arts majors." "You know, at someone's house out of town." "Oh." "Everybody up!" "Right arm cross." "All right, fellas, who's gonna be the first poor fuck to take batting practice off Jay Niles and his 95-mile-an-hour fastball?" "BRUM:" "The fuck is wrong with that guy?" "PLAYER 1:" "I'm not doing it." "BRUM:" "He doesn't throw 95." "PLAYER 2:" "No." "JAY:" "Get out of my way." " Hey, man, I'm doing it, huh?" " (CHAIN-LINK FENCE RATTLING)" "What?" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "What'd you say?" "BRUM:" "Guy's a fucking loon." "Whoo!" "Willoughby!" "Come over here." "Get all your stuff." "PLAYER:" "What the hell?" "PLUM:" "What's going on?" "Well, boys, here for a good time, not a long time, right?" " What does that mean?" " I don't know." "Get your ass ready." "Let's go." " Oh, Jesus Christ, not this psychopath." " DALE:" "Oh, shit." "Here you go, Plum." "MAC:" "This'll be interesting." "PLAYER:" "What is that?" "PLUM:" "What is he doing?" "(GRUNTS)" "Did he just throw the ball in the fucking parking lot?" " (BALL CLATTERING)" " Yeah." "There it goes." " What the fuck?" " JAY:" "Let's go!" " I'm ready." "Get in the box." " Jeez, let's not." "FINN:" "Go get him, kid." "Guy's gonna have a fucking aneurysm on the mound." "Fucking looney tune." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah!" "Jesus fucking Christ, damn it." "It's batting practice." "COMA:" "Hit it to me!" "The ball's coming to me!" " Oh, yeah." " Fuck this." "I'm done." "Fuck this guy." " Fucking nutjob." "Ridiculous." " You don't want any more?" "All right." "PLUM:" "Fucking batting practices." "Don't fuck it up, man." "Let's go." "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "Yeah." "(GRUNTS)" "That's strike one." " Hey, Detroit!" " Yeah?" "Those fucking goggles, you can't use those to read?" "The schedule says "batting practice."" "Scrimmage is later." "What the fuck, man." "Yeah." "All right, well, I'm not afraid to get this over with right here, right now." "(LAUGHS)" "Get what over?" "I'm a fucking pro prospect, too, and you know it." "Oh." "I'm not afraid to challenge you, man." "And everybody else on this team." "And I'm not afraid to stick it in and break it off from day one!" "All right?" "Okay, meat, you wanna try to make that starting rotation on your first BP session, huh?" "Be my guest." "Practice like you play, man." "Shut his fucking mouth." " (JAY GASPS)" " PLAYER 1:" "Whoo-hoo!" "PLAYER 2:" "Yeah." "PLAYER 3:" "Good hit, McReynolds." "Wow." "I think you've had enough, raw dog." "That the best shit you got?" "That ain't close to touching 90, son." "Who you fooling?" "Go get that ball, I'll fucking sign it for you." "Oh, yeah." "Ha-ha-ha." "Real funny, man." "Real funny." "You know, it's first day of practice, all right?" " Just warming up." " Mmm-hmm." "JAY:" "You know, I will go get the fucking ball." "You know what I'll do?" "I'll shove it up your ass and I'll sign it!" "How's that sound?" "Yeah, hey, you know what, do what you do best, Niles, keep running that fucking mouth, 'cause it makes you feel better, right?" "You get your teammates in a fight and kicked out of a bar, 'cause you wanna look fucking tough?" "You're fucking selfish, man!" "It's about the team here!" "It's not about you!" "Go fuck yourself." "JAY:" "You know what, man?" "I only know 150%, all right?" "You want me on the mound!" "You know I'm a fucking ballplayer, all right?" "You don't get it!" "Fuck!" "Too fucking philosophical for this shit." "Fucking balls." "Fuck that shit." "PLAYER 1:" "Yeah." "PLAYER 2:" "Whoo!" "PLAYER 3:" "Way to go!" "Run, run, run!" "(PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Hey, where's my helmet at?" "It's the one with the three scratches on the bill." "It's my good luck helmet." "You know what I'm talking about, Finn." "It's the one with the three scratches on the bill." "There's five helmets right there." "Yeah, grab a helmet and get in the box." "Come on." "PLAYER:" "Hey, batter up!" "Might as well put a strikeout down in the books, fellas." "Why is the.230 hitter always the most superstitious?" "News flash, it's not working." "Get some new superstitions." "You got superstitions." "No, I have routines." "Big difference." " No." " Superstitions are a holdover from primitive humans finding simple reasons for things they don't understand." " Oh, yeah." " Verifiably a complete waste of mental capacity in this day and age." "I'm just saying, in a deterministic event, such as hitting a baseball, there actually is a strict relation between cause and effect." "Now, superstition, it's bringing a..." "A probabilistic framework and projecting meaning onto a completely random sequence." "Hmm." " PLAYER:" "Yeah!" " (PLAYERS APPLAUDING)" "FINN:" "See, we can deduce from that, that the lucky helmet was probably not the factor in Coma's ability to get a hit because he was just able to do so without it." "The question now will be if this new, random helmet now becomes Coma's lucky helmet." " Exactly." " DALE:" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "What's happening, boys?" "Attaboy, Dale." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Hey, Coma, Pete Ward just saw your first hit, man." " Pete Ward's here?" "Yeah, baby." " ROPER:" "Oh, yeah." "Who's Pete Ward?" "Legendary super scout for the Reds." "Master of disguise." "Yeah, yeah, he never wants people to know he's watching, so he'll disguise himself somehow." "Anybody spotted him?" "Ah, give me a second." "ROPER:" "Anybody?" "Come on." "Finn?" " Finn, don't disappoint me." " Give me a second." "Come on, it's right in front of you, brother." "(SCOFFS)" "Out there past the right field fence, painting the trim on the house." " Whoo!" "Good spot, bro!" " Wow." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Give me my adoration." "FINN:" "How's that for incentive?" "First scrimmage game, not even an official practice, we already got the scouts here checking us out." "Welcome to the big time, boys." "PLUM:" "Fucking A, man." "That's what I'm talking about." "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" "All right, boys, let's go!" " Hey, Bradford." " Yeah." " You warm?" " Yeah." "You're on the hill." "Plum, you're catching." " All right, go get 'em, Jake." " Let's go, fellas." "You got it." "Attaboy." "(EXHALES)" "McReynolds." "Uh..." "Good hit." "We're cool." " Strike!" " BRUM:" "Come on, Plum." "Man, that's strike three." "Come on, Plum, we're friends, man." "That's strike three." "Dude, just sit down." "Friends don't strike out friends, especially when we're freshman friends." "Fucking swing the bat, man." "You're making us look bad." "Just sit down." "You wanna rub your strikeout on me, man?" "Jesus." "PLUM:" "What's up, Mac?" "Don't talk to me when I'm hitting." "Yes, sir. (EXHALES)" "All right, freshman ping-pong champ." "Let's see what you got, kid." "PLUM:" "Here we go, Jake." "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "Strike. 0-1?" "Make it 0-2." "0-2?" " Yeah." " 0-2!" "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" "Two, two, two, two!" "Ball's in the gap!" "PLAYER 1:" "Get two, McReynolds, get two." "PLAYER 2:" "There we go." "ROPER:" "Attaboy, Mac!" "That's what I'm talking about." "DALE:" "Sweet double, McReynolds!" " PLAYER:" "Good hit, Mac!" " Hey, nice hit." "Welcome to college ball, freshman." "All right, boys." "All right, bring it up, bring it up!" "If I look good, I fucking play good." "All right, listen up, good first practice." "All right?" "This is where it all starts." "We're out here, ahead of all the other teams in the country, and we're gonna keep it that way and work hard all year, right?" " (ALL CHEERING)" " Yeah!" " All right then, boys, y'all be good." " Uh-uh-uh!" "Not so fast." "We have a little tradition out here welcoming in the new guys." "It's called a little bit of freshmen..." "ALL:" "Batting practice!" "(VETERAN PLAYERS WHOOPING)" "Whoo!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Oh, gosh!" "Fuck!" "Oh, my nuts!" "Let's go, boys!" "Come on!" "Oh, fuck!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "ALL: (CHANTING) Dale!" "Dale!" "Dale!" "Dale!" "PLUM:" "That was not good." "Say cheese, baby!" "Whoo!" "Say cheese!" "(PLAYERS SHOUTING)" "That's how we do it." "(SHOUTING CONTINUES)" "(CHEERING)" "FINN:" "Whatever, girls." "BEUTER:" "Did you get hit, Jacob?" "JAKE:" "Yeah, man." "They got me on the wrist, and they almost knocked me in the nuts." "Shoot, man." "They got me on the shoulder with one, but, hey, they said a few years back, one ol' boy got hit in the head and nearly knocked his eyeball out of its socket." " Is that enough for you?" "Okay." " Yes." "Yes." "Gotta get some meat on that boy's bones." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "I thought you'd graduated." "Look, maybe it just feels like I've been here too long." " You have." " (CHUCKLES)" "Hey, Jacob." "JAKE:" "What?" "Unreal, doggie, we made it!" "This isn't what I was expecting at all." "Well, what were you expecting, Beuter?" "Shoot, man, it's just, you know, I tell you, it's kind of confusing." "Well, what's confusing, Perkins?" "Well, besides your ever-changing name." "Good grief, guys, come on now." "All right, look, y'all, so a buddy of mine told me that last year, one of his professors in them scientific classes told him that there's no historical proof" "Jesus Christ ever existed." "Who gives a turd what some egghead professor says?" "Seems like there's a lot of stuff going on around here, you know?" "Just lots of different types of stuff and temptations, and things like that." " Beuter." " Yes, sir." "Are you prepared to fold like a lawn chair?" "Private Beuter, are you prepared to fold like a lawn chair?" "Sir, no, sir." "Good!" "Then don't." "I'll give you freshmen a little advice on how to get your shit together, okay?" "You're at a new level here." "You're pissing in the tall grass with the big dick dogs now." "Hell, you got 21, 22-year-old guys over there who, at this stage, see you as someone trying to take their position." "But what you limp cocks don't seem to realize is that you have not earned teammate status yet." "And until you do, you're nobody." "And not only do those guys not give a fuck about you, they would love to watch every single one of you fail." "I already told you, Jake, this ain't high school, man." "You guys aren't the All-Stars you thought you were back from wherever the hell it is you came from." "Here, you're on your own." "And it's competitive, man." "So, shit, if you wanna succeed, really succeed, the only choice you have is to mentally toughen the fuck up." " Yes, sir." " Temptation, my asshole." "Temptation his asshole?" "Dude, did you guys hear?" "BOTH:" "What?" "Willoughby's gone!" " ROPER:" "What?" " (LAUGHS) Busted!" "What, weed?" "PLUM:" "Nah, dude." "He's 30!" "Like, he's 30 fucking years old!" " Thirty!" " Like a three and a zero." " Oh, no fucking way." " No, sir." "NEZ:" "Yes, sir!" "No, no, no!" "Get this, get this." "Willoughby isn't even his real name." "Dude, it's like a secret identity!" "NEZ:" "Yeah, no, the registrar's office discovered it." "They were looking up on some transfer hours that looked fishy." "They'd been investigating it for a while, and told the coach this afternoon." "That's what that was all about." " No way." " Dude, what?" "Yeah." "No, not only that, but they think he's been doing this to other colleges." " Transferring, playing ball." " Is he still here?" "Nah, man." "We just went by the house." "Van's gone, he's gone." "All his shit's gone, man." "He just left one thing, man." "In the middle of our room, he left a Pink Floyd album and a big-ass joint on top." "We smoked it!" "(ALL LAUGH)" "You know, he's probably just a guy that wasn't quite good enough to play pro ball, but he loved baseball and he just wanted to keep playing." "And living the college life." "Maybe that, too." "He's not a bad guy." "He just got caught." "I liked him." " Good pitcher, too." " Oh, yeah." "Brum!" "How's this?" "Let's see." "Oh, shit." "It's one card away from a Saskatchewan straight." " You know what that is?" " What?" "You might as well show 'em." " How bad is it?" " It's bad." "ALL:" "Oh!" "What is it?" "It's called a Manitoba Moose." " You're fucked, Brum." " What?" "Well, the rules state that, if you ever wanna play this game again..." "If you wanna stay on this team, bro." "I do." "You have to fly to Winnipeg, you have to drive to Caribou River Park Reserve in Manitoba, you have to walk out on the tundra, you have to find a moose," "carefully get under said moose..." "You gotta suck its dick." "(SCOFFS)" "Really?" "MAC: (LAUGHS) Yeah." " Happened once before." " Wait, really?" "He was a good guy." "He was a great guy." "Anyway, you guys all pass?" "Yeah, that's it, man." "Oh, take off, you hosers!" "It's a Winnipeg Flip!" "(SINGING) O Canada!" "Our home and native land!" "True patriot love..." "What the fuck game are they playing?" "JAKE:" "I mean, they say it's called "O Canada,"" "but I'm pretty sure they're just making it up as they go along, you know?" "Like most things with these guys, it's total bullshit." "But why, you know?" "It's more about seeing how witty they can be." "Like that whole Pete Ward thing." "What do you mean, "the Pete Ward thing"?" " Pete Ward." " What about him?" "The super scout for the Reds?" "Master of disguise?" " They made all that up, too." " PLUM:" "Yeah?" "Are you trying to..." "Pete Ward ain't real?" "Oh, come on." "Hey, guys, guys, Plum and bitch boy think" "Pete Ward's real. (LAUGHS)" "What are you implying?" "Yeah, Jake." "Who are you to say he isn't real?" "Yeah, "bitch boy."" "Okay, he's real." "Hey, Jake, you're still not saying where that party is." "ROPER:" "What party?" "Jake's got a big party tonight." "Supposed to meet up with this hot dancer-actress chick, but he doesn't want us to be there." "Hey, hold on, hey, I'm not saying you guys can't come, all right?" "Did I say that?" "No." "I just implied you guys might be bored, that's all." "Dancer chicks have great asses." "Now, that's a fact, I know that." "Let me get this straight." "A freshman is trying to stop us from, from going to a party, is that..." "It's not even that we're not invited to this party," " he just doesn't want us to go." " Mmm..." "Did I ever say that?" "No, okay?" "I was just implying that this party might not be your guys' cup of tea, but, I mean, fuck it, you guys can come with me if you want." "(ALL REFUSING)" "I don't wanna embarrass you in front of all your new artsy-fartsy theater major friends." "We're gonna stay here, we're gonna play cards, you have fun." "Give me a fucking break." "Finn." "Finn." "Finn." " Hey, come on, look at me." " Don't do it." " Hey, look at me." "Look at me." " Don't look." "Stay strong." "All right, I beg you." "No, I implore you" " to come to this party." " (SIGHS)" "All right, I realize that I wouldn't know how to make it through this world without all of your unsolicited wisdom." "And all you guys' constant fuckwithery." "What do you say?" "You don't really mean that." "I wouldn't say it if I didn't." "Can you give us a moment?" "Of course I can." " (WHISPERING) Your call." " I wanna go." " Theater party." " Theater party." "ALL:" "Theater party!" "Guys, were we supposed to wear a costume?" "ROPER:" "You are in costume, of a dipshit." "(GASPS) Oh, shit, it's the Led Zeppelin dude." "Yo, what's happening, man?" "FINN:" "It's creepy!" "ROPER:" "Tell me about it." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Holy shit." "The inside is even weirder." " This ain't no frat party." " (WHISTLES)" "Here's what we're gonna do." "Feel the freak!" "(WOMAN LAUGHING)" "Dude, how great is this?" "Cha-chao!" "Hey, girls, how you doing?" "I'm Roper." "Hey, Brum, go get some drinks, man." "(PLUM WHISTLES)" "(MEOWS)" "PLUM:" "Fuck!" " Did you see that?" " JAKE:" "What?" "PLUM:" "A fucking cat." "Cats shouldn't be in fridges." "(POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Best costume ever." "Amazing." " Jake!" "Hey!" "Hi!" " Hey!" "Hey!" " You're blonde!" " I know. (GIGGLES)" "I'm really glad you came." "Except for, I think..." "This one." "Yeah, you need this." "Yeah." "JAKE:" "Yeah?" "Hi." "I'm Debra Kadabra." "What are you gonna do with that?" "(GASPS)" "And now, I can officially welcome you to Oz." "Hi, guys." "I'm Beverly." " BRUM:" "Hi, Beverly." " Good to see you." "Three words, thoroughly equipped dungeon." " (WHIPS) - (GRUNTS)" "Can I borrow you for something really quickly?" "'Cause someone dropped out, and it's really easy, and it's gonna be really fun." " Yeah." "Sure." " Okay." "Well, I gotta go inside for a second, but I'll see you soon." " Cool." " Okay." " (WHIPS)" " DEBRA:" "Ooh!" "(GROWLS)" "He's being modest." "Not only is he a pre-season All-American, you're gonna be seeing this guy on TV someday." "Now, this guy, this guy's the best third baseman in the state!" "Like a fucking vacuum cleaner down there, man." "Fuck that." "We're taking that shit this year." "It's this year." "Hey, that's what I'm talking about, man." "Fuck losing the playoffs." "We're taking it all this year." "GIRL:" "You're into astrology?" "FINN:" "Of course." "GIRL:" "So, you've had your chart done?" "Oh, yeah." "It's fascinating." " I'm a Leo." " Uh-oh." "Yeah, I know, I know." "A little full of myself." "Hmm." " But I'm very loyal..." " Mmm-hmm." "Confident..." "Right." "The chart says I'm overly confident, but the truth is (INHALES)" " I wound easily." " (SNICKERING)" "It also says I'd make a great father someday, but I don't know." "(LAUGHING) You gotta be shittin' me, man!" "You wound easily, poor Finnegan." "Astrology?" "Mr. Cause-and- Effect Rationalist?" "(LAUGHS)" "Who are these guys?" "Oh, excuse us." "Uh, I'm a Scorpio." " I'm Jake." " Don't do it." "Has he told you about his average cock?" "(JAKE LAUGHING)" "Has he told..." "Finn!" "Did you tell her, Finn?" "Did you tell her?" "(MIMICS GIRL) "Hey, so have you had your chart done?"" ""Oh, yeah, I'm a Leo." "You know, very confident..."" "You know what, if I had a prohibition against sleeping with all women who believed in astrology," "I'd still be a virgin, all right?" " I'm being practical." " (ALL LAUGHING)" "I'd rather die a virgin than say my chart says" "I'll make a good father someday." "Just because you guys are laying bricks with the ladies, you know, I stepped up." "I was talking her language, I was meeting her on her level." "Instead of making fun of me, you should be taking notes." " Hmm." " Yeah?" "And by the way, she was really fucking cute." "She was really fucking cute, and you immature jerkoffs just fucked up my whole rap!" "Coming around talking shit like that." "You know what, your little..." "Fucking little jealous asshole crap just pulling me back in the boiling pot!" "Oh, Finn, come on!" "By the way, you know what?" "Have you noticed, whenever we're around baseball, all we talk about is pussy." "Now, we're actually around a few potentially interesting young women, all you talk about is baseball!" "It's a little fucked up!" "(MOCKING FINN)" "BEVERLY: (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Bachelor number three, what would be your dream date and your dream girl?" "My dream girl and my dream date." " BEVERLY:" "Yes." " That's a very tough question." "Um, I suppose my dream girl would come bearing tea and special crumpets, preferably in the bed, as well." "And we could get hopped up on the tea and the crumpets." " Is this the Mad Hatter?" " MAD HATTER:" "Yes." "Curious and curiouser." "Bachelor number one!" " Oh, yes!" " BEVERLY:" "Yes." " Um, hello." " QUEEN:" "Oh, hello." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "Uh, give me your best pick-up line." "(LAUGHS)" "Would you like to come see my large collection of heads, so that I can give you some?" "(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)" "(WHISPERING) Is the Queen of Hearts a dude?" "QUEEN:" "Ooh, a good one." "(LAUGHING)" "Red Queen, very interesting." "Oh, that wasn't for you, sweetie." "BEVERLY:" "Bachelor number two!" "What is the most trouble you've ever gone to, to meet a girl?" "Bachelor number two?" "Are you there?" "I'm..." "I'm late!" "I'm late for a very important date." " BEVERLY:" "Ah!" " (PLAYERS CHEERING)" "BEVERLY:" "Ah!" "All right, Mr. Rabbit." "It must've been awfully important like..." "Like a party or something." "Yeah, totally." "(LAUGHS)" "All right then." "Bachelor number one." "You've just invited me over for dinner, haven't you?" "307, right?" " The feminist." " Mmm." "What, no speech?" "(CLICKS TONGUE) No." "I'm kind of the silent type, you know?" "BEVERLY:" "What's one kiss from..." "That is so sexy." "MAD HATTER:" "Priceless." "BEVERLY:" "Priceless, is it?" "Okay, being completely honest..." "Uh-oh." "When you said you liked the quiet guy in the back seat best, was it just a line to piss off the other guys in the car, or was it true?" " Why do you ask?" " I'm curious." "You're curious about what?" "You know, we all make up this romantic crap in our heads." "I'm just looking for some kind of..." "I think it's a little bit of both." "What does that mean?" "(SIGHS) Did I think that the quiet guy in the back seat was cute?" "Yes." "Okay." "Would I have walked up to you in a crowd, completely alone, unprovoked, by the way, and said that?" "No." "So, my obnoxious teammates actually helped me on this one?" " I think they did." " Shit!" "They're good for something after all." "I was definitely messing with them, but I meant what I said." "Don't make me say it again." "(LAUGHS)" "BEVERLY:" "Is this your first-choice school, or..." "No, I applied to a few, but this was the best school that also offered me a scholarship." "You mean, you had to, like, write a bunch of essays and all that fun stuff?" " Just one." " Oh." "What'd you write about?" "The topic was to take a Greek myth and relate it to your own life." "So you wrote about Aphrodite and being a baseball slut." " Kind of." " (CH UCKLES)" "Shit." "No." "Uh..." "I just took Sisyphus and baseball, and just kinda... (CLICKS TONGUE)" "You wrote about that for your essay..." "How did you even, like..." "(CLICKS TONGUE) those two things together?" "Yeah, I did, believe it or not." "I mean, the point of the whole thing is that the gods intend for Sisyphus to suffer, right?" "Right." "Well, my point was that they'd actually blessed him with something to focus on, you know, something that he could potentially find meaning in." "You know, it's a gift to be striving at all, you know, even if it looks futile to others." "Yeah, that's true." "I mean, yeah, it's ridiculous to roll a boulder up a mountain over and over and over again, but so is everything else in life." "When you really think about it, especially a game." "Things only mean as much as the meaningfulness that we allow them to have." "That's where I tie it in to baseball." "Just accepting whatever comes my way, you know?" "Good, bad, doesn't matter." "What matters is just getting in that groove where the whole world kinda goes away, and I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing." "I feel the same way about performing." "It's putting yourself out there in art, in life, just participating." "Yeah." "Having the guts to look fucking stupid." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "It's kind of beautiful, isn't it?" "What?" "That we get to feel passion in this world, you know, about anything." "And I like you." "I like you, too." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " (CHUCKLES)" " A little bit." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ZIPPING UP)" "(METAL CLANKING)" " Hey." " Hey." " You up?" " Yeah." " I'm up." " Yeah." " My cupcake." "Come on." " (LAUGHS) I can't." "Come on." "What class do you have first up?" "History." "You?" " (INDISTINCT CHATTER)" " English." " I think I'm here." " Here?" "Yeah." "Where's your English class?" "It's over in Jones." " All rightie." " Okay." "So, I'll talk to you soon?" "Yup." "Bye." "Call me later?" "I will." " Bye." " Bye." "Bye." "DALE AND FINN:" "(CHANTING) Jake!" "Jake!" " Jake!" "Jake!" "Jake!" " Jake!" "Jake!" "Jake!" "Ah..." "Mi amigos de fuckwithery!" "How can I amuse you this morning?" "That was adorable." "Just the whole like..." "I think I got a tear in my eye, Jakie." " FINN:" "Oh, my goodness." " (ALL LAUGHING)" "Ah, we noticed that you never made it home last night." "Hmm?" " Are we to suppose..." " Oh, we're supposing." "Look, it's cool, guys." "All right." "We had a nice time." " Oh, "a nice time"?" " Oh, man, I know..." "I like her." " He likes her." " He likes her." "You like her!" "Oh, God, Jake!" "Oh..." "Don't you guys have class or something?" "You know what, I do have class." "But I go to class when I say I go to class." "You go to class." "I want a full report on my desk by the end of the day." "Bibliography!" "Annotated!" "Highlighted!" "Jake!" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Cho!" "(SIGHS)" "It sounds like you rocked it last night." "How'd you do?" "(CHUCKLES) Not bad." "Ended up with that tall chick in the leather, you know," " Debra Kadabra?" " Yeah?" "Yeah, she's a senior." "BOTH:" "Yeah!" "You know, she's not, like, actually a dominatrix." "I didn't get beat up or anything." " Oh, cool." " That was just a costume." "Yeah, we had ourselves a good ol' time." "Nice, man." "Who's this fuck?" "JAKE:" "I, uh, think that's our professor." "PLUM:" "This guy?" "JAKE:" "Yeah." "PLUM:" "No shit." "JAKE:" "Mmm-hmm." "You know what, man, I got outta there about 6:00 in the morning." "Shit, if I wasn't still drunk, I think I'd be fucking dead." "Yeah, me, too, man." "It's gonna be a long fucking day." "Yeah, but a good year." "I can tell, man." "Shit." "Welcome to college, motherfuckers." "(SIGHS)" "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "(SINGING) ♪ I'm Rope a Dope A proud Cherokee ♪" "♪ I stay busy chopping girls' cherry trees ♪" "♪ I'll show you my buns if the booze is free ♪" "♪ Hands on the wheel and fondue my cheese ♪" "♪ Hey, ladies please pass me another ♪" "♪ I'm not a rubber lover glover I don't need no love buffer ♪" "♪ I'ma do like Pete Ward and go undercover ♪" "♪ Make a sister leave a brother ♪" "♪ We goin' make a little trouble ♪" "(EXHALES)" "You're the new guy?" "MAN:" "Dale Douglas!" "♪ Flier than a Cutlass Supreme ♪" "♪ Southeast Texas Cherokees We the team ♪" "♪ Finn, me, and Coma We got Mac in between ♪" "♪ Number one position players Make these girls wanna scream ♪" "♪ Wakin ' up in a dream Lucid so sweet ♪" "♪ We make you toothless To put it plain and simple ♪" "♪ We the cream of the crop ♪" "♪ Cherokees are never leavin ' the top..." "Douglas ♪" "♪ My name is Willoughby I know the master plan ♪" "♪ I got the sun and the stars In the palm of my hand ♪" "♪ Carl Sagan knows the universe is eternal ♪" "♪ I'm gonna burn this down till my brain's a kernel ♪" "♪ Dr. Finnegan, so epicurean Indulge in the BMOC ♪" "♪ There's only one thing bigger than my IQ ♪" "♪ And it stops around my knee ♪" "♪ Let me drop a Finnegism and make a Finnegasm ♪" "♪ Expand the universe Make it shudder and spasm ♪" "♪ 'Cause when you party like a savage ♪" "♪ Speak like a poet ♪" "♪ You cha-chao before you even know it ♪" "♪ Hey, guys The name's Alex Brumley ♪" "♪ I'm gonna break it to you fresh ♪" "♪ All the guys around here punch me ♪" "♪ 'Cause they know that I'm the best ♪" "♪ It's my first days of college ♪" "♪ I'm just trying to fit in ♪" "♪ So won't you come with me and please be my friend?" "♪" " Please?" " Brumley, shut the fuck up!" "♪ Now, I'm Nesbit No shame with no game ♪" "♪ I'm throwing money down the drain like no thing ♪" "♪ The best in a-gambling Nesbit's a-rambling" "♪ Submarine pitch And the Mac can't handle it ♪" "♪ Cherokee chow Coo-coo-capow in Texas ♪" "♪ With the cactus and cows ♪" "♪ Amityville?" "More like Amity-vile ♪" "♪ Sick to the bone but we come with style ♪" "♪ So they call me Coma Told the girl "hop on" ♪" "♪ Throwing cheers to my boys ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm a superstitious fella ♪" "♪ Known to get a little drunk ♪" "♪ But I'm here to make some noise ♪" "♪ Master plan for a higher man ♪" "♪ Do it all wrong ♪" "♪ Don't fuck it up to make it all right ♪" "♪ Drink my cup ♪" "♪ Schlong as long as the Nile's bong ♪" "♪ Hit it, bitch, I'm 95 strong ♪" "♪ I'm the raw dog Rawest of raw ♪" "♪ Four screwdrivers One fat straw, baby!" "♪" "♪ My name's Tyrone but they call me Plum ♪" "♪ I call the whole game but they call me dumb ♪" "♪ Beer for breakfast My Cap'n Crunch ♪" "♪ Spread your girl's legs and then I have lunch ♪" "♪ Well, hey, oh, hey This will make your day ♪" "♪ Boy, they call me Billy A ♪" "♪ I like to chew and a-spit And throw a ball a little bit ♪" "♪ Boy, you better stay out of my way ♪" "♪ Enough with that, Jake here Just a chill dude ♪" "♪ I'll sweep you off your feet No need to be crude ♪" "♪ If I sense any question I'll put you to the test ♪" "♪ If it's a crime to be sexy then you're under arrest ♪" "♪" " You talkin' to me?" "♪ ♪" " No, can't you see?" "♪" "♪ Well, who you talking to?" "♪" "♪ Uh, dude, not you ♪" "♪ Well, okay, dude, you kinda rude ♪" "♪ I ain 't really a fan of that attitude ♪" "♪ As I was saying before Billy interrupted ♪" "♪ We just having good times, baby ♪" "♪ Nothing too corrupted ♪" "♪ If you need a little insight on who I am ♪" "♪ Let me break it down for you right now with my jam ♪" "♪ Unlike Finn I don't drop to the knee ♪" "♪ 'Cause I got a bigger secret I drop to my feet ♪" "♪ I'm the kinda guy that'll meet you after class ♪" "♪ Take pride in my pitching Like Rope and his ass ♪" "♪ Now, come over here with those luscious thighs ♪" "♪ I'll make you feel loved while Willy's getting high ♪"