"Yeah, it's day 15, and we're somewhere over Kazakhstan." "Unless I've got this upside down!" "But, no, the good news is we're still on schedule, aren't we, Johnny boy?" "Yes, chef." "Me and Johnny got this whole chef, sous-chef thing going on!" "Let's put that down there." "Ah, yay!" "We've done some mad shit in the past, but this really takes the..." "(My name is..." "Oh, God!" "(My name is Phillip," "(Phillip Phillips." "(I design stationery for WH Smith." "(I think this man means me harm." "(I've... (I've worked out that he's some sort of...celebrity chef.)" "WEEPING: (He thinks this is a travel programme." "(He thinks I'm his friend.)" "(He's taking me round the world... (in a fucking balloon!" "(We never land!" "(Every time I wake up," "(there's more of these.)" "(I think they're needle marks.)" "Who are you talking to?" "(I miss you, Rebecca." "(Tell the kids I love them." "(If you see this, if anyone sees this, send help!" ")" "(It's not television!" ")" "Yaah, wah!" "Yaaah!" "Ha-ha!" "Eh?" "Eh?" "What do you reckon?" "What do you reckon?" "What do you reckon?" "IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE:" "She's always coming over to my desk to "get a pencil"" "and, you know, brushing against my shoulder and smelling my hair." "It makes me feel very uncomfortable." "So basically, you're accusing Claire of sexual harassment in the workplace?" "No, I..." "Well, sort of." "Well, let's get her in here, see what she has to say." "Claire, can you come in here, please?" "I'll have to call you back." "Ah, yes." "Claire, come in and shut the door, please." "Claire, this is a little bit delicate." "Mike says that you have been a bit inappropriate in the office." "What?" "!" "Well, what do you mean?" "It's just it sometimes feels..." "I feel a little bit uncomfortable sometimes with the touching." "I'm sorry, genuinely." "I thought I was just being, you know, friendly." "She was just being friendly, and from my point of view," "I don't know what you were complaining about." "Martin!" "I know this seems like a lot of fuss about nothing, but if I were a woman..." "KNOCK ON DOOR Maintenance!" "Yep, come on in." "Oh, I'm really not comfortable with..." "It's fine." "Just something with the wires in the ceilings, none of them can speak any English anyway." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Mike, you were saying?" "I was just saying, I think you would take this a lot more seriously if I were a woman." "Yes, you're right, Mike." "Perhaps I was being unfair." "Sorry, Mike." "Claire?" "Yeah, I'll make more of an effort to respect your personal space, Mike." "Thanks." "There, that's all sorted." "I think we'd probably better stay here until he's finished." "Yes." "So, got any exciting plans for the weekend?" "Not really." "Not really, no." "Yeah, yeah, me neither." "I am going to Center Parcs!" "It's Saturday night." "It's 6.38pm, and it's time for the various top entertainment show," "Reports Mode." "Good evening." "Good evening, und welcome." "Zat's enough about ze time of day, so let's get straight down to show business." "Sharpen your pencils!" "It's Report One!" "Tickety bonk!" "Stable at 5.6." "0.2 above the arithmetic mean, so...arty-farty!" "Now, hold on to your helmets... ..as we head down to the quarry for Report Four." "Everyone a crackpot." "Get it?" "Stop." "I am killing you!" "Und now, Reports Mode correction time." "Thank you, Feldman." "Hmm." "Of course, as many of you spotted in last week's Report Two," "Cell DS should have read "moderate"." "Honky tonky." "So let's take a break from all these reports to see how we at Reports Mode are doing in efficiency." "Our levels have been maintained, as they always must be!" "Isn't that right, captain?" "Ha-ha!" "That's right!" "So this Deep South sketch..." "Yeah?" "Are we doing the accents?" "Yes, of course we're doing the accents." "We're also wearing the costumes!" "What did you think we were going to do - just hold the script up?" "All right." "You'd love that, wouldn't you?" "No, in fact, I'll tell you what your ideal sketch show would be." "Oh, please do!" "It's us, wearing dinner jackets, sitting behind a desk reading the scripts to camera on autocue." "Finished now? "Hello, welcome to the sketches." Evidently not." ""Interior day." "A shop." "A gentleman whose attire proclaims him to be from the southern United States enters." ""Dialogue:" "Ah, Mr Beauregard, good day to you." ""And good day to you too, Harlan."" "Couldn't think of another southern surname?" "The point is we're doing the accents." "Can you do a southern American accent?" "Of course I can." "Go on then." "POOR AMERICAN ACCENT:" "Boss Hog!" "Bass Hag!" "Ba-ss Ha-ag!" "Are all the lines in this sketch "Boss Hog"?" "I can say other things, too." "Ah'm just a girl who cayn't say no, ah'm in a terrible fix." "That's Welsh!" "Mammy, mammy, tear down the curtains and make me a drey-ess." "That's backwards!" "Y'all, y'all... bawl, mawl, cawl..." "Here." "That was very good." "Thank you." "All you have to do now is teach me how to do it, and we're away." "ENGLISH ACCENTS:" "Mr Beauregard, good day." "A very good day to you, Harlan." "The designs are ready and waiting, if you step this way." "To clarify, this is for everyone in your club to wear, not just the leaders?" "No, no, no." "This is for all of us." "We require a smart, functional uniform that identifies us and gives us a certain authority." "Exactly as I thought." "Well, I think you'll find this is perfect." "What the hell is that?" "I knew you'd like it." "It's a ghost costume!" "No, it's imposing and awe-inspiring." "It is if you're nine." "And scared of ghosts." "Otherwise, it's a big nightie." "Oh, you're being very unfair." "And what's this all about, the pointy hat?" "It will make you look taller." "It will not!" "What it will make us look is pointier." "But you specifically asked for a pointy hat." "I meant like a tricorne hat, like a highwayman, not a Rapunzel hat." "Look, just try it on." "That's all I ask." "Once you see the effect..." "Oh, terrific!" "That's the perfect finishing touch, that is." "Would you say you have an unusually small head?" "No!" "All right, fine." "Fine." "I can cut eye holes." "Eye holes?" "!" "It will increase your mystique." "Perhaps you're under some misapprehension." "My companions and I have banded together to promote the resurgence of the Confederacy and subjugate the insolent slave race, not to go trick or treating!" "And what's this? "KKK"?" "It's the initials of your society." "The initials of the Confederate Campaigners' Club?" "Er, no." "No, no, of course not." "It's, um..." "I came up with a new name." "We don't want a new name." "Yes, you do." "Mine's much better." "What is it, then?" "What is it?" "It's the..." "The K-k-k..." "Er..." "Funny, it's just gone out of my head." "Goodbye." "Wait!" "Wait!" "It's the K-k-ku Klux Klan." "The Ku Klux Klan?" "Yes." "Those are just meaningless noises." "How are we supposed to introduce ourselves to people?" ""Hello." "We're the new death-dealing militia of white supremacy." ""We're called the Ku Klux Klan." ""Affiliated with the Whip Whap Whop and the Bingly Bongly Boo." ""We're easy to recognise - we're the ones wearing bed sheets and peeking out" ""through the eye holes in the massive pointy hats we wear over our faces."" "You don't like it." "Fine." "There's the other one." "I never thought you'd like that one." "This is the good one." "This will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies." "That's a massive little girl." "Exactly!" "What could be scarier than a massive little girl?" "Freaky!" "So this is it - for our big, inaugural rally tomorrow night we either have to go dressed as pointy ghosts or enormous girls?" "Well, I'm sorry." "It never occurred to me you wouldn't like either." "Fine!" "We'll take 60 pointy ghosts, but I'll expect a discount." "DEEP SOUTH ACCENT:" "Why, Harlan, you did it!" "You'll make those bigots look like tway-ats." "We said we're not doing the accent." "HE LAUGHS" "That was a whole crock of fun!" "Well, if you've just joined us, you do not understand that Reports Mode starts at 6:38, after ze Bavarian anthem." "And now over to Unhelm!" "Let's have a look at some of your reports." "Beata has sent in this very interesting report." "I like what Gunther has done with these bottle tops." "I do not like what Pippi has done with these bottle tops." "This could be from Italy, but it is not." "Kuntlich has cleverly sent in this report as a soup." "The peas represent valve production, and the deliciousness represents time." "Reports Mode will be back after 22 Cows." "Minister, we've run every model through the computer and it looks like there just are no easy solutions to this recession." "Raising VAT, cutting VAT, raising interest rates." "Raising interest rates and VAT, lowering income tax and raising VAT..." "None of it seems to really help." "Have you tried "Kill all the poor"?" "Sir, with respect, we've had this conversation before." "Just saying, have you tried it?" "Of course we haven't." "We're not going to try it." "I'm not saying DO it." "Just saying run it through the computer, see if it works." "Whether it works is not the issue." "You think it might work?" "that's pretty right wing." "No, I don't think it will work." "I think it might." "It wouldn't!" "Why not?" "Because they do all the..." "You know, they clean all..." "We need them for all the things that we don't fancy." "Aren't you thinking of immigrants?" "There's an easy solution." "Just run it through the computer and check." "Well..." "No!" "I can't believe you haven't done it drunk as a joke!" "What?" "!" "Well, just do it quickly." "I'm not going to do it." "Why not?" "Because it's offensive and evil." "The computer's not going to be offended." "The computer will say, "No, it wouldn't help to kill all the poor"" "and I'll stop going on about it." "All right, then." "There." "See?" "Satisfied?" "Have you tried, "Raise VAT and kill all the poor"?" "Look, we're just fact finding!" "Why do you so want to kill all the poor, sir?" "I don't to do anything of the sort, but it's important to know if it would help." "Of course it wouldn't help." "The computer says it wouldn't help, so we're not doing it." "That's why we're not doing it?" "What?" "That's the only reason why we're not doing it?" "Bloody hell." "Now I'm offended." "I'm sorry?" "I shouldn't have asked you to run that through." "If it had come out positive, you'd have started work by now!" "Here I am, blue-sky thinking amongst friends, and I didn't realise it was only cold-hearted pragmatism that was keeping you from pumping gas into Lidl." "I'm confused, sir." "Just because a computer says that killing all the poor will help the economy, doesn't mean I'm going to do it." "It's morally wrong, Ann." "That's why we can run it through the computer, because whatever it says, we're not doing it." "That's the page I'm on, Ann." "Are you going to burn the book?" "No." "We were pretty sure child brothels would help with arts funding, but does that mean we did it?" "No, never got beyond the pilot scheme in Yeovil." "You're quite right, sir." "I'm sorry if I in any way cast aspersions on your commitment to the sanctity of all human life." "It's all right, guys." "It's clear what we need to do - shave 0.5% off interest rates, shore up the pound, keep VAT steady for now and round up all the dwarves." "BOTH:" "Yes, Minister." "You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System." "The time is..." "slipping inexorably away." "And to help with that, as usual, it's the Quiz Broadcast." "APPLAUSE" "Hello, good evening, and remain indoors unless infected!" "Hopefully not infected are our three contestants tonight." "I'm infected." "GUNSHOT" "Bad luck, professor." "And our other contestants are Peter, who you may remember..." "Hello." "..and Sheila, who you're also permitted to remember." "Yes." "Sheila, when we last saw you, you were being taken off to be voltage-calmed." "Is that right?" "Yes." "How was it?" "Yes." "That's great." "Yes." "Is it true you can only say yes now?" "Yes." "Where you answering me or did you just say that because you can only say yes?" "Yes." "So you can say other things?" "Yes." "That's priceless." "That really is TV gold!" "Please do not attempt to use this programme as currency." "Barter is forbidden and punishable by exposure." "So, our first round, as ever, is the quiz round." "Fingers on hands, please." "ALARM BELL RINGS" "And that's the alarming alarm." "Do not be alarmed." "It means it's time for music round." "Have a look at this clip." "I can't." "Yes." "Beautiful." "But that's enough about our star prize." "I bet you'd like to win that, wouldn't you, Sheila?" "Yes." "Change the bloody record... ..is the name of our music round." "Let's bring on the bloody record." "What is the link between the bloody record and The Event?" "Is it A, unknown?" "B, known, but prohibited?" "Or C, yes." "BUZZER" "Sheila?" "Yes." "Do you mean C?" "Yes." "Bad luck, Sheila, so close, but the answer is, of course, A, unknown." "Yes." "Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to us." "That's right, Prayer And A Pint is 41 years old this week." "Hello there, I'm Donny Cosy, and I hope you can join me for this very special Prayer And A Pint, which this week comes to you from the beautiful city of Tehran in the East." "Mention Iraq to most people, and they'll probably think of those Indiana Jones-type fellows on the news, but there's also a lot of skiing here." "But that may be because, as Azid here has just kindly pointed out," "Tehran is, in fact, the capital of Iran and not in Iraq at all, which may explain what happened to Cherie Lunghi and Max Headroom, who I was hoping would be joining me for this week's show." "But I'm very happy with the company I've got here and there's no mistaking what I'm tucking into." "Something you probably wouldn't associate with Tehran, it's a Boots egg and cress sandwich that I bought at the airport." "Cracking stuff." "And here, of course, is me birthday pint." "Yalla yalla, lads." "Is that ethanol?" "Kaliber mixed with ethanol." "HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES" "Well..." "Well, now it's time...now it's time for a hymn." "And our request this week comes from Phil..." "HE COUGHS LOUDLY" "Phil and Meg McQueen of Sulky Abbot in Bumsex." "And they've asked for All I Want To Do, All I Want To Do, All I Want..." "HE COUGHS" "..To Do Is Praise Him." "# All I want to do" "# All I want to do" "# All I... # COUGHS" "# Praise him" "# All I want to do" "# All I want to do" "# All I want to do is..." "COUGHS" "# Him" "# What do I want...do?" "What do I want to do?" "# What do I want to do?" "# Praise him." "# Who do I want to praise?" "COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS" "# Who do I want to praise?" "# God. # HE COUGHS LOUDLY" "Where did you get that rubber?" "At the gift shop at WH Smith." "WH Smith have got a gift shop?" "The big branches have." "They get thousands of visitors, why not try and flog a souvenir on the way out?" ""I've seen the rubbers at WH Smith."" "Sniff it." "It smells like a big newsagents." "Good, isn't it?" "Where did you get the ruler?" "Oh, Auschwitz." "There's a gift shop at Auschwitz?" "Why not?" "I mean, thousands of people visit it." "You know." "I got this and a poster." "A poster?" "And a hot dog." "God." "What do you expect people to do at Auschwitz?" "Starve?" "But still, fast food?" "A bit insensitive, isn't it?" "Oh, for God's sake, it's just a hot dog kiosk in the car park." "It's not some bloody great drive-thru with "arbeit macht fries" written on it." "Do you think there's a sketch in this?" "Absolutely not." "Hooley Galooley." "It's Report Eight." "And it's an old favourite from ze first series, ze dozen eggs shenanigan." "A dozen eggs are labelled 0 to 11 to confuse the hausfrau." "Will she complain to the grocer?" "She does not." "End of Report Eight." "Well, well and well, that's very nearly about all I've got time for this week." "Next week, Reports Mode will be in Hollywood, but will not be filmed." "This week, it's a pie chart." "So, from Unhelm, the Captain and me," "(ENGLISH ACCENT) Timothy Beresford, it's goodnight and goodnight." "(GERMAN ACCENT) Have your scanners ready!" "My first day as a barrister, and I just don't know if I'm going to be any good at barristering." "Perhaps I can help." "Where did you come from?" "Were you hiding behind that pillar?" "No." "Now, here's my advice." "Take these." "And drink them." "But..." "No buts." "Just drink." "How do you feel?" "Actually, I feel rather good." "Thanks." "Erm, I said thanks." "It's all right." "Yes!" "I got that guy off that vicious sex murder even though he obviously did it." "Have you been there the whole time?" "Erm, yes." "Why?" "Because I'm one of a group of very important people who have been watching you for quite a while." "We've great plans for you, which is why earlier," "I let you in on one of the world's greatest secrets." "What secret?" "That everything mankind does is much, much easier if you're ever-so-slightly drunk." "That sensation you get between half and three-quarters of the way down your second drink of the day, when you've just taken the edge off and feel that anything is possible." "How did you feel after that wine I gave you?" "Like...anything was possible." "Exactly." "Come with me." "Welcome to our secret headquarters under the head offices of Oddbins." "What is the point of a blindfold if you tell everyone where we are?" "Sorry." "Forgot." "But then again, I am slightly drunk." "As I hope you soon will be." "Who are you people?" "We're a group bound by the creed that humanity is better and more noble after very nearly two drinks than at any other time." "We've been around for centuries." "No-one knows quite how long, but then it's hard to be precise when you're constantly slightly pissed." "Suffice to say that at all major historical events, we've been in the background, gently swaying from side to side." "My God, you're the Inebriati." "I thought you were just a myth!" "Actually, we prefer the term Knights Tippler." "Aren't you supposed to be evil?" "You've been reading too much fiction, young man." "We're a force for good, sworn to maintain a level of just enough smashed-ness to make everything feel lovely." "But how?" "Our methods are subtle." "I, myself, have a claret drip." "I have a can of Special Brew pumping slowly and constantly into my stomach." "You may have noticed me snacking regularly on liqueur chocolates." "Ugh, Drambuie." "And Malcolm over there's about to administer himself with one of his hourly Cointreau enemas." "Bottoms up." "Are you sure you aren't evil?" "We may have made one or two mistakes." "It's basically our fault that if you press delete in Microsoft Word it puts the whole document into eight point Times New Roman whether you want it to or not." "But overall, we come out very much in credit." "What do you want with me?" "Today's youth is all binge-drinking maniacs and tight-arsed teetotallers." "That will inevitably lead to a whole new generation of Stalins and Hitlers." "Hmm." "Will it, though?" "Yes!" "Which is why we need fresh, young, lovely, slightly drunk people like you." "After all, no gently drink-wobbly person could ever commit genocide." "They'd be too busy buying crisps, or trying to remember the Oscar-winning films of the '70s, or just having a small nap." "With our backing, you'll be President of the World in 10 years." "The only condition is that you must never, ever have any more than slightly less than two drinks." "Never?" "Never." "Beyond that state of mild intoxicated perfection lies drunken madness, third pints, kebabs and destruction." "So, what do you say?" "Violent crime has dropped to zero since you added the equivalent of a glass and a half of rose per person to the water supply." "Who could possibly want to fight after a lovely bit of rose?" "Indeed." "And the way you averted that Third World War..." "All I had to do was get a couple of creme de menthes down Ahmadinejad and Bin Laden, and they loosened right up." "Your boozy bonhomie has served the world well, like a more effective Ken Clarke." "We thank you." "Well, no, thank you." "Cheers." "No!" "You finished your second drink!" "Surely it can't do any harm." "Whoops." "You know, a man with access to nuclear weapons really should never get a bit fighty." "You tit." "Might as well get shitfaced now." "Yeah."