"[School bell ringing]" "[Speaking Spanish]" "And do not forget tonight's extra-credit assignment." "You're just a sub." "You can't give extra credit." "Well, no." "Not towards your grade." "But you will get credit with me." "And those Peggy points add up." "Well, Hola, Señor Chairman Geiger." "Peggy, I just got off the phone with Janine Truesdale." "She's taking another personal day." "So I'll need you again tomorrow, and you'll have to cover the Spanish Club." "Tomorrow?" "Tomorrow is the Spanish Club field trip to Mexico." "I didn't make it to department head, supervising three people... by letting a sub take students to a foreign land." "And I didn't make it to Substitute Teacher of the Year... by taking no for an answer." "Except on tests with "yes" or "no" questions... where "no" was the correct answer." "You can come, too." "Well, the bus is non-refundable." "And my throat could use a break from speaking German." "I will not let you down." "This is the rare instance where the sub is actually more dependable... than the regular teacher who, I suspect is, in fact, a drunk." "Hey, I got an idea." "Instead of going to Mexico, why don't you borrow my sombrero... stay in Arlen, and teach the kids to count?" "You know, uno, dos, tres." "Like that." "Hank, why don't you want me to go to Mexico?" " Is it the exchange rate?" " No." "It's just that the Spanish they speak there is... you know, fluent." "And I am not fluent?" "In fact, I am so fluent that I may tutor a few Mexican kids... while I'm down there." "How about that?" "Bobby." "It is crucial that I impress Chairman Geiger." "Although I'm sure all the kids will love this trip..." "I need one unified voice to vocalize what everyone is thinking." "Here are your lines." "[Exclaiming]" " What is that?" " A Spanish dictionary." "Dad made me take it." "Your mother is a Spanish dictionary." "Bobby, if you ever marry a Spanish teacher, and you probably will... never doubt her enormous gifts." "Peggy, this is the itinerary Miss Truesdale planned for the trip." "What's on there?" "A tequila factory?" "[Chuckling] Shame about the drinking, though." "Oh, well." "HANK:" "She's gonna turn over." "Gosh, I wish Peggy were here to see this." "[Exclaiming]" "Oh, dang." "Oh, dang!" "License and registration, please." "For the record, the man on the license weighs 190." "And I'm up to about 197 now." "I would have had it changed... but I was hoping to get back to my playing weight." "Let me guess." "Football?" "Yeah, played a little halfback at Arlen High." "I think I saw you on the field... when I was a cheerleader alternate at Rumpert." "You're too young to have seen me play." "Am I?" "Ready, okay." "Let's make a rumpus, Rumpert." "Go, Rumpert!" "I'd do the split but I've got a backup pistol strapped to my ankle... and I'm not as flexible as I used to be." "I'm sure you're still plenty flexible." "I'm gonna let you off with just a warning if you promise to drive safely." "I promise." "And not just because safe driving is cool, but because it's the right thing to do." "Stop it." "On behalf of the Spanish Club... let me just say that we are honored... to be guided by the first sub ever... to lead a field trip on foreign soil." "Who's with me?" "Well, gracias, Roberto." "But from now on, we will only speak the language of the natives." "Yeah, I'm gonna need those directions." "[Speaking Spanish]" "I don't speak no languages." "Then I will teach you." "Izquierda means left." "And derecha means right." "So, do I make izkerda or espercha?" "Espercha." "Anyway, turns out the police officer used to be a cheerleader over at Rumpert." "Cheerleader?" "I thought you said he was a cop?" "It was one of those lady cops you hear about." "Geez, it must have been humiliating to get a beating from a lady cop." "There was no beating." "We talked football." "She ripped up the ticket." "End of story." " Love story." " Yeah, man." "You know, Hank, you never go flirting that way... at a little old ticket like that, man." "Didn't think you had it in you, man." "I was not flirting." "I didn't even mention that I worked in propane." " Did you mention you have a wife?" " It didn't come up." "No, Hank." "You're terrible." "Where are we?" "Where's the museum?" "Oh, will you forget the museum?" "The Mexico I want my students to see is not on any map." "Well, it's certainly not on this map." "Please stop the bus." "I need to get my bearings." "We are going to follow him... and show the kids a day in the life of a real Mexicano, huh?" "[Speaking Spanish]" "Excellent." "He is going to work at a carniceria, or a carnival." "Oh, my." "All right." "Walk in uno file, por favor." "What the hell kind of carnival is this?" "Well, it's a poor village." "They can't afford the rides." "But they do have a petting zoo." "All right." "[Peggy speaking Spanish]" "Herman, everything is under control." "Relax." "Have a chicken." "I don't know." "Maybe I could hold just the one." "[Speaking Spanish]" "Okay, okay." "He would like his chickens." "And judging from his costume, I think he's getting ready for a show." "My chicken's the star of the show." "Sweet mother of pearl." "Everything's fine." "You have just watched one of my favorite Mexican magic tricks." "And now, as his volunteer assistant..." "I will complete the illusion." "Returning to the scene of the crime, huh?" "I don't feel right about you letting me off the hook this morning." "I think I need more than a slap on the wrist." " Really?" " Yeah." "I'd like that ticket." "COP:" "We got a possible 53S at 321..." "God." "I am not in the mood for a possible arson right now." "Here, I think this is what you came for." "I thank you for your professionalism, ma'am." "The concept of students smiling is foreign to me." "I think your son put it best when he said:" ""The Spanish Department would be lucky..." ""to have Peggy Hill as its newest permanent member."" "Bobby said that?" "I drank the water." "[Speaking Spanish]" "Okay, come on, everybody." "El autobus." "Thank you." "I feel pretty." "Now, everyone on the bus now." "Please." "We all love Mexico, but it's time to go home." "Oh, for heaven's sake." "First she wouldn't get on the bus, now she won't go home." "Where are your parents?" "[Chuckling] Okay, we're back in America." "You can speak English now." "Now, honey, where are your parents?" "Yes, long live Mexico." "Now, where are your parents?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, no." "Thanks to Citizen Gorgeous, we have a police state in the alley." "You three had better leave... before I write you tickets for public drunkenness." "But we're not drunk just yet." "You want to spend a day in court fighting it?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Come on, big boy." "Huh?" "Look, there's something you should know." "My wife is gonna be home any minute." "Do you know which route she's taking?" "'Cause I could easily set up a roadblock." "Okay then." "Yee doggie." "I'll take me a burger with that shake." "Bye, Fancy Pants." "We should have her call her parents in case they're worried." "Llame su familia, Lupe." "She refuses to call home because her family hates her." "What's to hate?" "[Speaking Spanish]" "I was afraid of this." "Now she wishes that I was her mother." "If your father, or Herr Geiger, find out about this, it's over." "We will hide her until morning... and when your father goes to work, I will smuggle her back into Mexico." "Now, give her some space." "She does not like you." "Take this to Lupe." "Oh, my God, Bobby." "Did you rat me out?" "Did you?" "How much did they give you?" "What are you doing, girl?" "You leave a bone in there?" "A ball?" "A bone." "Peggy?" "There's a little Mexican girl in the utility closet." "Must be a friend of Bobby's." "Bobby!" "Bobby!" "Okay, I accidentally brought her back from Mexico." "You brought an extra kid back and didn't notice it?" "Well, we better call the authorities." "What could the authorities do that I can't?" "Except ruin my teaching career." "I am taking her back first thing in the morning." "Peggy, maybe you're in a little over your head." "I smuggled that girl into this country without even knowing it." "Don't you think I can smuggle her back if I put my mind to it?" "[Gunshots on TV]" "[Speaking Spanish]" "Is this show pretty accurate?" "Hank, close the blinds or put the wig back on Lupe." "Oh, my Lord, that policewoman is here again." "What?" "We need a distraction." "Ram her car with your truck... then get into one of those high-speed chases." "[Sighing] Boy, that's a handsome squad car." "What is that?" "A Caprice?" "A Crown Victoria?" "It's a Crown Victoria." "Now how does the siren work?" "Has it got a button or some kind of a toggle switch?" "JANE:" "A toggle." "Did you know, in Greek mythology... a Siren was a beautiful woman who sang so sweetly... that she could make sailors crash into the rocks?" "That's kind of romantic, isn't it?" "Actually, pretty irresponsible." "Great." "Good job, Hank." "JANE: [On radio] Pull over, Mrs. Hill." "Lupe... follow my lead." "Step out of the car, please." "Turn around." "Spread them." "Not bad." "But take a look at this." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Now, get out of here." "Peggy Hill, you are one cool customer." "Well, honey, you're home." "I don't want to make this goodbye any harder than I..." "CHILDREN:" "Lupe!" "[Speaking Spanish]" "Do not worship me." "Worship my actions." "Oh, please." "You flatter me." "[Speaking Spanish]" "I'm just here for the children." "I'm getting a commendation?" "Wait till Geiger hears about this." "I would have gotten here earlier, but some of your roads are very bad." "[Protesting in Spanish]" "[Speaking Spanish]" "[Speaking Spanish]" "[Ringing]" "Hello?" "Hank, I am in Nuevo Laredo." "And I am a big freaking hero for bringing Lupe home safely." "Well, good job, Peggy." "I'm proud of you." "Thank you." "Now, I need you to do me a solid." "Get me the number for Herr Geiger." "I want him on speaker phone when I meet the mayor." "Okay, I think I saw your address book on the nightstand." "Okay..." "Excuse me." "What are you doing?" "You will give me back my shoelaces." "I am a United States citizen." "These are chains." "That is too tight." "You are creating an incident internacional." "Hank." "Hank." "Patience, Peggy." "Okay, Herman Geiger." "Hank, I have been arrested." "Peggy, quit messing around." "This is long-distance." "Get down here, Hank." "Help!" "Help!" "Listen to me." "Help!" "Hank!" "I knew he'd come back." "This time I'm gonna make that horse drink." "Okay, okay, I was speeding." "You want speeding, Hank?" "Feel this." "Look, this is not a good time." "My wife is in trouble." "You know, I don't get you." "One minute you're trying to get under my hood... and the next minute, you don't want to leave your wife." "I never wanted to leave my wife." "I'm sick of these mind games." " Maybe I should just take you in." " No, no, I've got to go." "Halt or I'll shoot!" "How can I be sure about those alleged seven extra pounds... you say you're carrying?" "Well, that could be a gun, or stolen art for all I know." "I assure you, it is simply a small additional ridge of fat." "If you want to go to your wife so bad, then I got to frisk you." "I'm not really comfortable being touched." "Then I'll just have to take you in." "All right." "[Singing] Oh, say can you see" "By the dawn's early light" "What so proudly" "[Hank humming]" "You're clean." "I feel dirty." "Bye, Fancy Pants." "This hearing will determine if there is enough evidence... to hold you for trial." "If we do go to trial... you will be transferred to a facility in Mexico City... until your court date... which could be anywhere from one-and-a-half to six years." "Hank, Hank, over here." "All right, Peggy." "Get your stuff." "No, no, no." "I'm afraid the charges against your wife are quite serious." "But I have a brilliant plan." "I intend to show that her Spanish is so poor... she could barely order a glass of water, much less order that child to do anything." "That is completely untrue." "And if that goes down on the Mexican records... my teaching career is tostada." "I am very fluent." "Listen to me roll my R's." "[Trilling]" "I rest my case." "Did you hear that?" "Now we have to all sit here while this guy goes out and buys a hat." "Mr. Ortiz, I hate to disagree with you... but my wife speaks perfect Spanish." "You must put her on the stand." "But that is crazy." "So that she may tell her story... in her own words in Spanish." "Of course." "Peggy, I think you should go up on the stand." "You're right." "That blowhard will go on forever if I don't get up there." "Mrs. Hill, in your own words, your own Spanish words... please tell the judge what happened with little Lupe." "Señora Hill..." "Oh, my God, I'm going to jail!" "He said you're not guilty." "Right." "Good." "Thank you." "Congratulations, Peggy, you did it." "Si, and that is not Spanish for "yes."" "That is Peggy Hill for "I told you so." See." "BOY:" "My chicken's the star of the show."