"Hello, National Arts Council." "Excuse me." "To whom should I submit an emerging novelist grant application?" "You can leave it on the pile over there." "Whoa, it's a pretty big stack." "Any chance you could-- No." "Would a kid playing hockey change your mind?" "What if I just thin out the stack a little?" "Oh, my God!" "I know." "Here's one from Margaret Atwood." "Doesn't she have enough already?" "Bomb." "Let's hope it's not another Oryx and Crake." "Actually, Oryx was okay." "Crake was useless." "No, it's a bomb." "Oh!" "♪ Well now the sun ain't shining' no more ♪" "♪ I don't know why but I've seen it before ♪" "♪ Ain't got no joy No man to lean on ♪" "♪ He leaves my soul on the floor like a doll ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "♪ ♪ Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo ♪" "Ten seconds." "The only copy of the first half of my novel is in here." "You don't have it in your computer?" "I'm a longhand guy." "It's good enough for Le Carre, it's good enough for me." "Five seconds!" "Aah!" "Aa-a-ah!" "I hope you'll take my heroism into account when reviewing my application." "Oooh." "Thank god." "Are you okay?" "Fine." "Should we evacuate the building?" "Yes." "Starting with whoever can fast track this." "By now Canada's reeling from the news that its precious National Arts Council has been blown sky high." "The Ottawa 8 will strike again." "And our next attack will make this bomb look like a dud." "Okay, Ottawa 8, do we have anything on these guys?" "They're monsters." "What better use is there for taxpayer dollars than funding my sci-fi-spy book?" "Or, as I like to call it, spacepionage." "That's a genre?" "It's about to be." "We traced one the transistors back to Grey Industries." "As in Lord Cooper Grey?" "Serving five years for fraud in a minimum security facility in Florida." "Thank God I got my shares out before he went to jail." "A lotta losers took a bath." "Like my mother-in-law." "She lost her savings because of that guy and now she lives in my den." "Grey's sons are running the company while he's in jail." "Simon and Ted, trust fund kids, kicked out of private school, so their father pulled strings to get them into Western." "That's how I know them, Western boys." "They pledged at my fraternity." "I go back frosh week to get messed up, check out the new talent." "Those the weekends you come back purple?" "Yeah." "They love me there." "Pete "the deal" McNeil." "Okay, let's split up." "We'll check out Grey Industries." "JoJo and Burt, you dig up more on Simon and Ted." "I'll give you a head-start." "These are the only two guys to get thrown out of res for pulling a fire alarm." "It's a great gag, but you gotta be some kinda stupid to get caught, so let's nail these lame-os." "Every entrance is guarded." "There's no way in." "The only good vantage point is that nursing home over there." "Oh, don't say that." "Don't worry." "I won't let anything happen to the elders." "No, it's not that." "My grandmother lives there." "This means I'll have to go visit her." "Unless the Ottawa 8 strikes again." "Fingers crossed." "She's right next door?" "Go call on your grandmother." "I agree." "We won't get interference from that angle." "Really?" "'Cause it looks pretty interference-y to me." "It's the home or nothing." "Fine!" "Gran?" "Who's that?" "Alex." "Aleska, your granddaughter." "I brought you a plant." "You can't be Aleska." "She never visits." "I know." "I'm sorry." "Work's been crazy at the... travel agency." "But, hey, I brought you a plant." "Now how about we get some light in here?" "Oh, it is perfect for surveillance." "Close the drapes." "I don't wanna get raped." "What?" "You heard me." "Now sit down and give me a proper visit." "Idiots!" "How embarrassing." "Ah!" "Oh, and we sent the whole video and everything." "It's okay, Simon." "First time jitters." "We'll get 'em next time." "Right, guys?" "Dad always said we were gonna be failures." "But he said it with more spittle." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, that spittle, Ted, that spittle built an empire." "Don't you remember Dad all hunched over the National Post saying, "Somebody should do" ""this whole country a favour and blow the National Arts Council to hell!"" "Now, any of you idiots learn how to build a functioning bomb in the last 24 hours?" "Huh?" "Or am I going to find a whole new group of idiots?" "Oh!" "Cable guy." "I didn't order any cable." "I did, as a surprise for you in case you got bored of the plant." "This is a very nice facility." "Is there a pool?" "No." "And, uh, how's the bingo?" "You have a big nose, nosey Frenchman." "Gran!" "Everyone knows you can't trust the French." "Their food is too spicy." "I'm sorry." "She's" "Don't worry." "I'm used to it." "I've got one of those living in my den." "At least yours doesn't throw her slippers." "N'udu, this place if perfect." "For surveillance?" "No, my mother-in-law." "Claude, it is a duty of the child to care for the elders until they die." "Only if you can't afford to have someone else to do it." "Nursing homes save a lot of marriages." "Just trust me." "We don't have nursing homes in Ligeria." "It seems like a dangerous idea." "One bad flu season and the knowledge of the elders could be wiped out." "Yeah." "Oh, what's blocking the camera?" "I'll go see." "It would be an honour to meet the matriarch of Alex's family." "I'd call first, N'udu." "She's, um, difficult." "Oh, a fiery grey." "How delightful." "Sorry to disturb you." "I need to make a small adjustment to your cable." "The cable, yes." "No problem." "Gran, why don't you and I go and" "I'm not going anywhere." "You're crazy if you think I'll leave my room while this--Oh, God!" "handsome young man is here." "Well, aren't you just full of surprises." "Tell me, young man" "Please, call me Benjamin." "Such lovely manners." "I bet you visit your grandmother." "Oh, yes!" "If I had the good fortune to have you as my Bibi," "I would visit every day." "Oh, is this your granddaughter?" "Yeah, that's me." "Oh." "Was your hair burned in a fire?" "No." "Home perm." "I was going through an awkward phase." "How's that cable looking?" "There, all fixed, Mrs. Cranston." "Oh, please, call me Marjorie." "So, Richard's offered to paint "Death to the Left"" "on the back of his sailboat." "I don't really see how that's gonna terrorize the masses." "Ooo, Mark's got a race horse." "Uh-huh." "Maybe we could fill some paper bags with manure, and hurl them off of Richard's boat." "We need bombs, not flying bags of crap, of crap, of crap, crap, crap!" "Unh!" "Okay, why don't we call it a day and come back tomorrow with some fresh anti-left ideas." "Good effort, guys." "Don't tell Dad I bent his nine, Ted." "Idea for the book." "Young super spy Aidan O'Finn keeps lookout while his bumbling assistant places a tracking device on the hover car belonging to the evil Ottawa 9." "Do you like Ottawa or Zongwark?" "Burt, they say write what you know." "So don't write anything." "Maybe we should let things cool down before moving on to phase two." "You think Dad would stay cool at a time like this?" "I can hear his voice in my head right now saying" "You're going to slice." "Exactly." "Except he'd be cursing a lot more and the spittle would be just out of control." "His voice would probably be lower, too." "Ooh!" "You have to slow down your backswing and choke up on the club a bit." "It'll give you more control." "I tell him that all the time." "Ted Grey." "This is my brother, Simon." "You must be the club's new golf instructor?" "Hardly." "We're in demolitions." "Samantha Lee." "And this is my partner." "Aidan O'Finn." "What sort of, uh, demolitions?" "Office buildings, mainly." "Some houses." "And one time we blew up a boat." "We could use Richard's yacht." "Not here." "Yacht bomb." "Not here." "Not here." "So, you guys have experience in explosives, huh?" "Well, it's the only real way to bring down a building." "Wrecking balls are for socialists." "Sam's the best." "She once took out five city blocks with a single stick of dynamite." "Now, that's very impressive." "Public housing was spoiling my view." "I think the four of us should talk more, you know, in private." "Maybe you guys should come to our office sometime." "It would be my pleasure, Mr. Grey." "You gave me a great idea for a new character." "If you put me in your book, I'll kill you and make it look like an accident." "First, it's not based on you." "Second, MoJo would never say that." "Well Gran, it's been nice hearing your take on every single story in the news, but I gotta go." "What's going on?" "What do you mean?" "You show up out of the blue twitchier than a box of frogs and you flirt with every cable man in sight." ""Oh, thank you, Benjamin."" "That was you." "There's something you're not telling me." "Fine." "Look, I'm not a travel agent." "I'm a spy." "Pull the other leg." "It's true." "I work for Sam's." "Actually, I'm Team Leader." "And we need to use your room for surveillance." "You should have told me." "I served in World War II." "I know a few thing about covert ops." "Are you sure you're the Team Leader, not Benjamin?" "Benjamin h the commanding presence of a leader while you-- you've got the Cranston shoulders." "Bottom line, we can help you maximize your explosive potential while minimizing your cost overruns." "Why don't you start by telling us what your targets are." "What do you think we are, amateurs?" "We have to be able to trust each other." "You don't want to look like those idiots who botched the National Arts Council job." "No." "I'm gonna get this out of the way." "Well, if you don't have a target in mind, may I make a suggestion?" "Busker Fest." "But, JoJo, everyone loved that silver statue guy." "He just stands there." "That guy's awesome." "I blew 30 rolls of quarters on him." "He never moved once." "Why'd you call her JoJo?" "Oh, no, no." "That's the silver guy's name." "This is JoJo, this is, uh" "I introduced her earlier." "Wrecking balls are for socialists." "Sam's the best." "Yeah, I know whenI'." "They're playin' us, right?" "Huh?" "I don't know." "We'll see who knows the most about spying." "Oh." "What's that?" "A before ad for face soap?" "Dammit, Gran." "Who are you?" "I want answers." "Where'd you get that?" "Dad's collection." "Now tell me who you are!" "Gentlemen, please." "Cynthia's right." "We're all on the same page, here." "What the hell was that?" "Oh, horse crackers." "We gotta get that old lady." "Weapons, boys!" "Freeze!" "NISA!" "Open fire!" "I knew it, silencers." "These guns don't work." "Let's move!" "Okay, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!" "Ah!" "Okay, watch the hands, Grandpa." "Where is she?" "Where's my Gran?" "Mrs. Cranston?" "Her grandsons just picked her up." "Grandsons?" "They were very polite." "One of them had a musket." "Aw, horse crackers!" "Greetings, NISA." "Turn off your precious Peter Mansbridge and listen up." "Change of plans." "The Ottawa 8 now demands the release of Lord Cooper Grey." "And in exchange..." "Yeah." "We're gonna give you this back." "Cowards!" "Don't listen to them." "I'm not a coward." "Terry, hit her!" "I'm not gonna hit her." "She's an old lady." "Ted?" "Don't look at me." "Fine." "We're gonna hit her later." "A Nazi tried to hit me once and I put a dum-dum between his eyes, and his head split open like cheap firewood." "Uh, you got till 7 p.m." "If my father's not freed by then, then your Nana's gonna... have something happen to her." "Why would they do this now, when Marjorie's got her whole life behind her!" "I don't know." "She's had a good run." "We have to rescue her." "But how?" "In Chapter 4 of my novel, The Liquid Spy " "Can we just focus on finding my Gran?" "Agreed." "But we have to play it cool." "I've been here before." "Homecoming '92." "Lakehead stole JW, our horse mascot, funniest horse you ever seen." "So you stole their mascot to even the score?" "No." "We broke into their dorm, pooped in all their beds." "It took all night, but we got it done." "Seriously, funniest goddamn horse." "But let's go with your thing." "What if they don't want her back?" "Then we're stuck with this old lady." "It's not so bad." "She's teaching me how to knit." "It's a little long, but it's my first club cozy." "Can I get a single malt, please?" "Watch and learn, Prep School." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Go!" "Now that you can put in your book." "Change the channel." "It's time for Coronation Street." "You just watched it." "It's a marathon." "Oh, I hate public broadcasting." "Hello, Simon." "You took my Gran." "We took your brother." "If you want him back, give us Gran." "Impossible." "He just texted me from the golf course." "What does that even mean?" "Simon?" "Ted?" "Make a deal." "You have no idea what it's like here." "The coffee is awful and the toilet paper, one ply!" "Your fingers go right through!" "It's" "If you want him back, give us Gran." "You have one hour to respond." "Oh, God, Teddie!" "I don't know what to do." "He's the one with the brains." "Always came home with straight B's." "Oh, nut up." "It's win-win." "She's got a point." "Plus Ted's got a great handicap and it'd be a drag to have to find a new fourth." "No one asked for your opinion." "Now keep it down." "I'm missing Corrie." "And poor Maria." "Liam is gone and her baby has no father." "Oh, God, make a trade already." "I will." "And I know just the place." "Release Gran and I'll give you your brother." "No." "Release Ted and I'll give you your Gran." "How about we both release our prisoners at the same time?" "Count of three?" "Yeah." "One, two, three." "Now!" "Freeze!" "Down on the ground!" "Drop your weapon!" "Are you beeping?" "Great!" "Granny bomb!" "Granny bomb!" "And it's padlocked." "They wait for my signal." "This will make for an interesting paragraph in Aunt Judy's newsletter." "N'udu, quick, get me some bolt cutters!" "Where are they?" "Marjorie's too old to die!" "Where are they?" "Burt, where did you put the bolt cutters?" "Oh, no, that wasn't me!" "You had the bolt cutters last, right?" "I threw them at you." "You had them last." "Go, Ted, go!" "We got it!" "Okay, let's go." "I could not locate the bolt cutters." "It's no use!" "Run!" "Save yourself!" "I'm not gonna leave you, Gran." "Good for you, Alex." "Dying with your grandmother is the most noble of all deaths." "Oh, three minutes!" "Oh, you-you have to go, Dear." "Yeah, but-- "Yeah but" is a rabbit!" "Get going!" "We're gonna get you out of this!" "Run, Ted!" "Faster!" "This way!" "I think they're gone." "After you suck the hard candy, don't put it back in your purse." "Just start banging!" "Uh, uaaah-aaah!" "Hah, there's our car." "Right on time!" "So the SUV gets blown up?" "I look like a dork in that thing." "Yeah, but I love the seat warmers." "Forget the seat warmers." "Can't you see we've done it!" "When the old woman blows, she's gonna take the whole CBC with her." "Ah, death to commercial-free radio!" "Ah, aaah-aaah!" "Come on!" "Yes!" "Yes, Ah, yes!" "yes, yes, yes!" "So, long, suckers!" "You're gonna die along with your precious public broadcaster." "Long live the rich!" "Yes!" "The matriarch of the Cranston clan lives on!" "I'm gonna live too." "Don't throw the candy away." "I guess you could say this is gonna be a Grey day for Canada." "Get down!" "We did it!" "Oh, do stand up straight." "Are you kidding me?" "I just saved you from being confetti." "Oh, fine." "Hey, hey, there she is." "The agent who saved CBC." "God, I miss fieldwork." "What are you doing?" "Western's in town to give Carlton a little "How's she going?"" "Kick-off's in an hour." "You wanna come?" "I got extra tickets." "We could paint a "W"-- No, I promised Gran a visit." "Oh." "Well, you know what?" "Bring her along, because they won't frisk her." "I think she's had enough excitement for one week." "Oh, okay." "Well, again, great work." "If you change your mind, I'll be in the end zone, the Purple Pit." "You can't see a thing, but it's a blast." "Wow, that's a surprise." "But okay." "Whew." "Great news." "My mother-in-law is out of my den." "Oh?" "You got her a place in a nursing home?" "No, she died." "The funeral is tomorrow." "My wife is heartbroken, but she'll get over it." "Hot off the presses, people." "National Arts Council registered mail." "Remember where you were the day Liquid Spy was green lit." "Hoo!" "Rejected?" "Just what I wanted." "Excuse me."