"Hi." "Okay, so I have an extra ticket to see Ashlee Simpson tonight at the Garden." "I was supposed to go with Tina, but as you know..." " You're not speaking to her." " You're not speaking to her." "Holly, why don't you just call Tina and ask her to go?" "Because Tina was her best friend and she slept with Vince, her ex-boyfriend, who she may or may not still be in love with." "It's...unforgivable." "Hey, um... do you want to go with me to the Ashlee Simpson show?" "Oh, I love her, but I can't drive at night." "Call Tina." "Too late." "She's already been deleted, and once you've been deleted, you are out of my life forever." "Look, I get that you're hurt, I do, but don't you think you're being just a little bit harsh?" "I hate her." "And since when did you think that loveless sex and one-night stands are okay?" "When I was 10, you told me that having sex without love can make a girl's ear fall off." "So have you changed your mind?" " No." " So you're on my side." "Of course I am." "Okay, well, good, because my friends are dropping like flies." "Somebody call about water damage?" "Yeah, it's right over..." "holy crap." " Oh, my God." " What?" "Do you see that guy who just came in?" "Yeah, what the hell do you think this drool is?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Todd." "You know that beautiful man?" "Val Tyler, did you lose an ear to that man?" "Okay, wait, just so we're clear, we're using "losing an ear" as a metaphor for "having sex with," right?" " Shh!" " Shut up!" "No, you shut up." "It was one night, okay?" "I just want to forget that it ever happened." "One night -- as in one-night stand?" "You dirty bird." "Uh, this pipe's gonna burst." "I might need a hand down here." "Hey, Val, is that the same line he used on you?" "Would you keep it down?" "Holly is in the back." "And I have spent my whole life trying to set a good example for her." "She can never know that I had a one-night liaison." ""Liaison." Who are you -- Meryl Streep?" "You got schtupped. âª You really know how to dance âª âª When you go up, down, jump around âª âª Talk about true romance âª" "âª Yeah âª âª Keep on whispering in my ear âª âª Tell me all the things that I wanna hear âª âª 'Cause it's true âª âª What I like âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about âª âª Hey âª âª Uh-huh âª âª Uh-huh âª âª That's what I like about you âª" "[ knock on door ]" "Hi!" "I'm so glad you're spending your lunch break with me." "And you know what I was thinking about?" "The one really great thing about me hating Vince and Tina is now you and I get to spend " "24 hours a day together." "Yay!" "You smell weird." "Yeah, well, you know, I had a falafel on the way over." "No." "No, Gary, that's not a falafel smell." "It's  it's like vanilla and... waterfalls and..." "Tina!" "Where were you for that missing 45 minutes this morning?" "Holly, look " "You were with her, Gary, weren't ya?" "Weren't ya?" "Weren't ya?" "No, no, I got tickets to the matinee." "What matinee, huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" ""The Vagina Monologues"!" "You are such a liar." "It is bad enough that you live with Vince, the other liar, but now you're hanging out with Tina, too?" "Look, just because you're in a fight with her doesn't mean I can't hang with her." "That's exactly what this means." "Do you understand that this is life, Gary?" "You have to pick sides." "You cannot be friends with Tina." "But she smells so good." "I don't care if she smells good." "She's a bad, bad girl." "Okay?" "So now make your pick  me or Tina?" " No." " Yes." " No." "No." " Yes." "Yes." "Fine." "Tina it is." "Oh?" "Tina?" "Really?" "Hmm. [ humming ]" "What are you doing?" "Let's just see." "Yes, "Gary home."" "Delete!" "No, you didn't." ""Gary cell"  delete!" "Nobody deletes the Gary." "I just did!" "[ cellular phone rings ]" "Or I just called you." "Hey  hey!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I was checking out that plumber's ass." "[ taps glass ]" "[Todd]:" "Excuse me." "Uh, next time you hide, you might want to do it behind a solid." "Thanks for the, uh, ass compliment." "Oh." "Well, thanks for the ass." "Uh, listen, it's been bugging me all day." "Do I know you?" "Nope." "You sure?" "Your face looks familiar." "I just don't remember you being this short." "I'm  I'm the bakery lady." "We all look alike." "No, no, I mean, from a long time ago." "I just " "What am I thinking?" "There's no way you'd be able to forget this smile." "These eyebrows." "No, huh-unh." "But I did remember I got to take the thing out of the thing." "Okay, bye-bye." "You know, I could swear I remember her." "Oh, well, what do you think you remember about her?" "You know, maybe I can help." "Uh, do you remember her from college?" "From high school?" "From the Bahamas?" "From high school?" "From high school?" "High school." "Yes, that's right." "Yeah, her name was " "Val Tyler." "Val Tyler." "I totally remember her." "Yeah." "She had the locker right next to mine." "She always looked kind of troubled." "I liked that." "But you know what?" "I was going out with Brenda, and Val was seeing this guy Rick." "But there was this one night..." "Ooh, wait." "Ooh." "And that's on a cold day." "Ahh!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Oh, come on." "Tell me about you and Val." "Sorry, I don't kiss and tell." "Well, from what I heard, it was more than a kiss, so tell." "No offense, but it's kind of private." "Well, no offense, but she said it wasn't that hot." "Not hot?" "[ sobbing ]" "Hey, Tyler..." "Rough spring fling?" "Todd, I didn't know you were back in school." "How was jail?" "Just community service." "They had me reading to the blind." "They were cool." "So, uh..." "Hey, Brandon." "How you doing?" "Oh..." "Not good." "Rick just broke up with me right in the middle of "Ice Ice Baby."" "He said he didn't want a commitment." "That is wack." "If it makes you feel any better," "Brenda called me from Paris this morning." "She wants to take a break." "Oh." "That is wack also." "I'm sorry." "You know, you " "You look different with Brenda out of town." "Uh, I think maybe I should go." "You want to go get something to eat?" "Oh, no, no." "I don't eat after 8:00." "What do you do after 8:00?" "Um, homework." "Sometimes board games." "Ooh!" "Ever play..." "Risk?" "You know, I don't have too many more of these, so, uh, are we gonna make the magic or not?" "We are not!" "All right." "Hey, my loss." "Oh." "Did I hurt your feelings?" "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "Everyone does." "I'm gonna go." "No!" "No, don't go." "I mean, you're so tormented." "No one understands you." "You're empty inside." "Your heart hurts, doesn't it?" " Well, uh..." " Oh, shut up, Todd!" "Yep." "You and Val at the lockers?" "Okay, hey, when did you get here?" "'Cause I don't think you're supposed to be hearing this." "Okay, well, I did." "Okay " "She and Brenda were good friends." "Okay, so let me get this straight." "Val had a one-night stand with her friend's boyfriend?" "Just like Tina." "[Val]:" "Oh, God." " Who are you?" " I'm Val's sister." "Oh, then, yes, we did." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "There's a fire in the kitchen!" "Everybody out, out!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Fire!" "Unbelievable." "You had a one-night stand with your friend's boyfriend?" "Okay, Holly, look, I know that we have talked about this, and I always led you to believe that I never had intimate relations till I was 25, but " "[Holly]:" "Oh, come on, Val." "I knew you lied to me." "Who cares?" "I lie to you all the time." "Oh!" "But in all my 18 years," "I never would have believed that you would have had a one-night stand with your best friend's boyfriend." "Cheap, meaningless Tina sex." "Hey, we haven't officially met." "I'm Tina." "Holly, listen to me, okay?" "The liaison I had with Todd " "Liaison?" "Uh, tryst." "There were three of you?" "Listen to me, okay?" "Holly, look, it might have been bad judgment, but it was the spring fling, Holly." "And Rick had just broken up with me." "Oh, my God, I totally remember that night." "You told Dad that you got sick at the spring fling and you had to spend the night at your friend Debbie's, which is why you missed my standup act." "So that's why you blew off your little 10-year-old sister's standup?" "Because you were with the plumber?" "I wasn't a plumber back then." "I had hopes." "Okay, hold on." "Just back it up a second." "You were a standup at 10?" "Oh, my God," "I was afraid to take the bus at 10." "I cannot believe that this is why you missed one of the biggest days of my life!" "I killed that day at Giggles." "[ audience cheering and laughing ]" "Maybe I should have skipped that 13th candy bar." "[ audience laughing and applauding ]" "My parents are always bugging me to slow down." "Take it easy." "Take a breather." "Hang loose." "Chill out." "Take a break." "Hey, why would I want to take a break at home?" "That's what I go to school for." "[ audience laughing ]" "Yeah, I guess you had to be there." "Well, it was very different live!" "Not that you would know, because you were off bathing in the afterglow of your friend's boyfriend." "Ick." "Like Tina." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" "Todd wasn't even with his girlfriend then." "And Rick had just dumped me." "Okay, and let me guess." "You were bummed?" "Just like Tina was bummed when she went over and slept with Vince." "You two are so screwed up!" "Ahh!" "We're screwed up?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "You, little sweetie, let me tell you something." "Todd and I were both single at the time, all right?" "Just like Vince and Tina were both single." "The only one who wasn't single in this little love triangle was you!" "So why don't you take a look at that, little missy, and then ask yourself  "Who's the screwed-up one here?"" "Oh, my God." "You are so deleted!" "Let's see, "Val home"  delete!" "Ha ha ha!" "There goes your home number!" "Ha ha ha!" "We have the same home." "You just deleted yourself." "Well, don't worry." "I still have a million friends left." "Oh, really?" "Holly, you better be careful, 'cause soon you're gonna delete everybody from your life!" "[ cellular phone rings ]" "Yes, Holly, we are still friends." "Hey, and since we're friends, do you think you could set me up on a date with your sister's delicious one-night stand?" "[ cellular phone rings ] [ ring ] [ ring ]" "Where have you been?" "Your shift started a half-hour ago." "Well, I tried to call you, like, eight times, but your line was busy." "[ ring ] Aah, that's why!" "Holly won't stop calling, and I can't take it anymore." "I'm the only one left on Holly's phone, and she keeps calling me every two minutes to complain about everyone else, and let me tell you, she ain't the greatest storyteller." "By the way, did you know she used to do standup?" "Maybe I should've skipped that 13th candy bar!" "Yeah, real brilliant stuff." "No, she's driving me crazy!" "Not to mention, I've got Val whining to me about Holly, too." "And, hey, that's where Holly learned her excellent storytelling ability." "[ snores ] [ ring ]" "Okay, all right, stop it, stop it, make it stop, please!" "Okay, I can if you help me." "I've got a plan." "Yeah, me too." "That wasn't my plan." " But I stopped it." " Yes, you did." "[ telephone rings ] [ ring ]" "She's ba-a-ack." "[ ring ]" "Lauren?" "Where are you at?" "My God..." "I've gotta call Val..." "deleted." "I've gotta call Tina..." "deleted." "Oh, no, my whole posse's been deleted!" "No!" "Okay, Lauren, I think you can stop because she's gone." "No." "No, she could come back." "No, no, no, no." "I really think that she's gone." "Look, it's been a while, damn it." "Just humor me." "Hey." "Hey." "How's Holly?" "I wouldn't know." "She's not talking to me." "Why isn't she talking to you?" "What'd you do?" "Well, the same thing as you, actually." "Oh, my God, you slept with Vince, too?" "Val!" "Oh, good, you're both here." "You are not gonna believe this." "Gary and Lauren were just making out in the bakery." " What?" " Yes, totally making out." " No way." " Gary and Lauren?" "Yes, it was all hair and elbows." " Poor Gary." " Poor Lauren." "So come on, let's go!" "Okay, come on!" "Okay  no, no, wait!" "We can't do this." "Not without my camera." "I got it, I got it!" "Go!" "Move!" "Ooh, there they are." "I knew it, I knew it!" "Are they coming this time, or is this a trick?" "Okay, just come here." "They're still going at it!" "No!" "Lauren!" "How long have you two been..." "Oh, you know, not long." "But I do have to say, the first time that I saw Lauren, I..." "I fell in love." "Really?" "Gotcha!" "Ha ha ha!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "We gotcha!" "What?" "Well, it was a setup." "One, hot, beautiful ebony and ivory setup." "We figured we had to do something big to get you guys talking again." "Oh, my God." "Oh..." "We're not talking." "But we're talking now, and it feels really good." "It does feel really good." "Holly, I am so sorry about what happened with Vince." "I swear to God, I never meant to hurt you." "You're my best friend, and it was a stupid, stupid thing to do." "Can you ever forgive me?" "Tina, you know what I realized today?" "I have no other friends." "Me neither." "And sometimes, friends do stupid, stupid things." "Especially when they're bummed because they just got broken up with, and they're vulnerable, and they're not thinking straight, and... maybe they're just a little bit slutty." "Aw, you know me so well." "What about me?" "Aww, you're slutty, too." "Oh, look at 'em, Gary." "We did it." "Do you want to do it again?" "No." "Was that a "yes"?" "Okay." "My work here is done." "Oh, thank you, God." "You can call me Todd." "Ew." "How much do I owe you?" "You know, I think dinner would more than cover it." "Okay." "Let's get this straight, all right?" "What happened in high school was a one-time thing." "You and I have no magic." "That eyebrow caught me on a lonely night." "I was vulnerable, I was heartbroken," "I was a stupid kid, but I'm not a stupid kid anymore." "Never in a million years would I ever " "I'll pick you up tomorrow night at 8:00." "So, I'm guessing Brenda's still in Paris?" "No." "Holly, you don't think that I " "Val, I'm just kidding." "Don't you know that your sister's a funny girl?" "Right, yes, how could I forget?" "I guess I shouldn't have had that 13th candy bar!" "Well, it's not funny if you do it like that." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I'm so glad that we're all friends again, because now we can all watch my comedy tape together!" "And how glad am I that you found it?" "Now, tell me again, why do I have to sit through this?" "I didn't have sex with any of your ex-boyfriends." "Holly, I can't believe we're best friends and you never told me about this." "I love standup comedy." "Oh, well, then get ready to laugh your butt off because my impression of Babe the Pig oinking the alphabet is gonna make you pee your pants." "Well, I'm sporting new drawers, so maybe I should leave." "No, no, no, you just wait a minute, ebony." "As soon as those lights go out, you belong to ivory." "Holly, leave the lights on." "I'm afraid of the dark." "Oh, my damn!" "All right, you guys ready to pee?" "The other day, I got a pimple." "I'm not even a teenager yet, and I got a pimple." "I mean, seriously, how adorable was I?" "I knew it." "Totally peed the pants." "Ha ha!" "I tell ya, that kid should have her own show."