"It must bejelly 'causejam don't shake that way" " It must bejelly..." " Hey, Pop." "Hey, good morning, son." "I'll have your breakfast ready in a jiff." "That's even shorter than a jiffy." "Sit down." "Well, look." "Never mind." "I already had some breakfast." "There's something that I wanna do and I need your help." " What's that?" " You know that old tub... that's been sitting out in the yard for the last two years taking up space?" "You mean that tub that Mrs. Bud's dog, Chi Chi had her puppies in?" " That's the one." " Don't tell me Chi Chi's pregnant." "I don't know." "But if she is, she's going to have to find another spot to deliver." "I want you to come out and help me load the tub on the truck... so we can take it down to the dump and dump it." "You know I can't lift no tub with my arthritis and bad heart." "There's nothing wrong with you." "What are you giving me?" "I ain't giving you nothing, but I know what you're trying to give me." "A hernia." "I'll do most of the lifting, okay?" "Even if you do most of the lifting." "See, that's what happened to a friend." "You know Harry Mayfield?" "That's what happened to him." "He lift something heavy and it broke down in his back... and now he walks all bent over like this." "The only people he can look straight in the eye is midgets." "He's in misery." "I'm telling you, the only good thing about it... is when he walk down the street like this, he finds a lot of coins." " Are you coming?" " I could go out there and that tub... could fall on me and crush me to death." " I said, are you coming?" " The tub could fall on both of us... crush us to death, then there wouldn't be no more Sanford and Son." "It'd be Nobody and Nobody." " One, two, three..." " What you counting to?" "Ten." "Four, five, six..." "What's gonna happen when you reach ten?" "The television is going in the pawn shop." " Seven..." " Okay." "All right I'll help you." "Getting rid of this tub is just the beginning, Pop." "We're getting rid of this miscellaneous, extraneous debris once and for all." "How do you expect to attract customers to a place that looks like this?" "Listen, Lamont, we running a junkyard." "It's not a barbecue pit." "Ajunkyard is supposed to be junky." "Grab the end of that tub while I take the tailgate down." "Why do I have to get all this stuff..." " Now what?" " There's a body in that tub." " Hey, you're right." " Somebody dumped a body in there." " We in trouble." "Who is it?" " I don't know." "But he's white." "I know we're in trouble." "I know we're in trouble now." "Listen." "Wait a minute." "Don't panic." "You're not supposed to panic." "When I find a dead white man in my yard, I do what come natural, I panic." "I wonder who he is?" "If you find out, write me at my sister's place." "'Cause it's good-bye, California, hello, St. Louis." "Wait a minute." "That body's not dead, it's breathing." "As a matter of fact, it's snoring." "You hear that?" "Hey you, you better get out of there if you know what's good for you." "Get out of there." "Get on out of there before I give you a wood shampoo." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to be trespassing." "That's what you're doing is trespassing." "Come on." "Let's get out of here." " Yeah, hit the road, Jack." " Just a moment, fellows." "Now I know you guys are just trying to do your jobs." "But if I could just talk to the owner of this property." "I'm the owner of this property, and we just had our little talk." "Now the next sound you hear will be the continuous pounding... of this two-by-four off your skull." " Now let's go." " I'm going." " I know when I'm not wanted." " Good." "Oh, what kind of a world is it when a poor, homeless unfortunate... can't grab 40 winks in a tub in a junkyard?" " It's just not worth living in." " Try walking while you're talking." "This is the last straw!" "I've been put out of flop houses... and I've been kicked out of railroad yards in the dead of winter." "But I have never been kicked out of a junkyard before." "They're gonna find me in the morning in the river and they'll be sorry." "Listen, if you want to commit suicide... go on down and stand up at 103rd Street in front of the pool hall." "Just act like you counting some money... and they'll have to bring your hat to the cemetery." "That's right, make jokes." "But you'll be sorry when they find my body in the morning." "Not if I don't find it on my property I won't." "Wait a minute, Pop." "You think this dude is serious about killing himself?" "I don't know, Lamont." "It's not my affair." "How would you like to pick up tomorrow's paper... and read this guy killed himself because we kicked him out of our junkyard?" "Well, I won't read the paper tomorrow." "What's it gonna cost us to extend ourselves a little, Pop?" "Haven't you ever heard of the Good Samaritan?" "You know I don't like them Japanese movies." "That's Samaritan, not samurai." "If you don't want him to stay, we might as well get this tub loaded." "Okay, okay." "This time it's okay." "I'll do it this time, just to show you that I'm a good samurai." " Samaritan." " Samaritan, samurai." " What difference does it make?" " Hey, buddy?" "You called me?" "The name is Augustus." "But you can call me Gus." "Right." "Okay, Gus." "Now you can stay and sleep in the tub... for a couple more hours, but after that you gotta get out of here." " You got that?" " Thank you, young man." "God bless you." "All right." "Jelly, jelly" "Must be twins." " What do you want?" " Excuse me, sir." "If you could just spare me a small glass of water, I would appreciate it." "Okay." "Come on in." "Stop right there." "Get mud on our rug." "You don't mind drinking out of a mayonnaise jar, do you?" "I mean, you shouldn't mind drinking out of a peanut butter jar." "Thank you very much." " Sure looks good." " What?" "This." "Here." "You can have it now." "Thank you very much, sir." "You act like you ain't never ate a sweet roll before." "Is that what this is?" "A sweet roll?" "I don't remember the last time I ate a sweet roll." "I don't mean to look like I'm putting you out, but you got to go." " Did I do something wrong?" " No." "It's just my son... wants you out of here before he gets home for lunch." "See, he's not as softhearted as I am." "I wonder, what are my chances of having lunch with you, Mr. Sanford?" "Slim and none." "You done spent the night here." "You had your continental breakfast." "Now it's check-out time." "Thank you very much." " Hello, son." " Hey, Pop." " Did you get rid of that hobo?" " Yeah, he's gone bye-bye." "Why don't you come in the house, I'll fix you a nice lunch." "Before that, let's get this tub loaded on the truck, all right?" "Come on in the house and get your lunch." "You need the energy." "I've got the energy." "For the last time, let's get this tub loaded on the truck." "Come on in the house." "Come here." "I thought you said you got rid of Gus?" " All right, get outta there!" " Yeah, come on." " Didn't I tell you to get rid of him?" " It was your idea to let him stay." "Only because he gave me that sob story about how he was going to kill himself." "He's a con artist." "Get out of that tub." "Now I'm going in the kitchen and fixing lunch." "When I come back, I don't want to see him." "He's as good as gone, son." "Come on, you." "Let's get on out of here." "Well, I'm going." "But just you remember..." "I'll never contribute to the NAACP." "Good." "And I'll never contribute to the KKK." "What happened, Pop?" "What'd you do to him?" "I didn't do nothing." "I was helping him out the tub and he fell down." "No, he shoved me." "He shoved me hard." "My back!" " My legs!" "I can't feel my legs!" " Let's get him in the house." "He crippled me." "You can't get away with this." "I have my rights." "This is America, and I'm gonna sue you." "You can't sue me." "I can sue you for trespassing." "Trespassing is nothing compared to crippling." "You don't know what you're talking about." "There are laws in this country to protect the common man." "Well, listen, you can lay there for a little while... and don't get too comfortable 'cause you gotta go." " Lamont, you don't think..." " We're in a lot of trouble." "If somebody gets hurt on your property, you're responsible and they can sue you." " I didn't do nothing to him." " I know that, but he claims..." "Hello?" "Legal Aid Society?" "Say, listen, I wonder if you could answer a question for me." "Now, if somebody's trespassing on your property... and in the process of evicting them they fall down and injure themselves... is the property owner liable to the trespasser?" "Okay, thank you." "It's like I said, Pop, we're responsible." "Might as well get used to Gus being around here for a while." "What?" "Are you crazy?" "Don't tell me nothing like that." "You mean to tell me that Gus... is gonna live here with us and sleep on that couch?" "Thanks to you." "Service!" "Service!" "Another beer, please." "Why don't you get up and go get it yourself?" "Well, if a certain vicious, old junk dealer... hadn't paralyzed me from the waist down, I'd be glad to." "If a certain funky old hobo don't watch his mouth..." "I know a certain vicious, old junk dealer... who's going to paralyze him from his waist up." "But if a certain vicious, old junk dealer... doesn't get me my cold beer soon... and show me some compassion, I'm gonna sue him to death." "Do you know what that is?" "That's blackmail." "No, it ain't." "You know what it is?" "It's "whitemail. "" "I don't know how you're going to do it, but I want that freeloader out." "I had an idea how to get rid of him." "I called Bubba's friend, Dr. Caldwell." " The one who treated me for whiplash?" " What can he tell you?" "He can tell us if that guy's faking." "That's what he's doing, faking." "All we gotta do is prove it." "Sounds like our company's calling for another beer." "I wish I had somebody to bring me a nice, cold beer every time I wanted one." "Just get paralyzed from the waist down." " I'll see you, son." " Okay, Pop." "Well, there you are." "The service is pretty bad around here." " Where's my beer, Freddie?" " Listen, don't call me Freddie." "If you don't like the service around here, you can get up and get out." "And another thing, if you want to commit suicide, it's all right with me." "All I ask you is not to do it on my nice furniture." "You know, I've decided life is worth living." "Nixon said he'd bring us together and darned if he didn't." "I hope that's the delivery from your liquor store." "Dr. Caldwell." "I gotta give it up, or they gonna kill me." "Them cigarettes will do it." "I'm talking about driving on the freeways." "Well, what's your trouble?" "Here it is, Doc." "Stretched out over here on my couch." "I want you to examine him." "See if he's faking." "Wait a minute." "What is this?" "This is the doctor that came to examine you." "Now examine him." " How do I know he's a doctor?" " Well, ask him." " Are you a doctor?" " What day is this?" "Friday." "What's that got to do with it?" "Because on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I'm a doctor." "The other days, I work in the post office." " Well, examine him, Doc." " Is there someplace to wash up?" "Yeah, upstairs." "I'll get you a towel." "Not me." "Him." "He's filthy." "What do you mean?" "I can't move." "He pushed me down and paralyzed my legs." " Paralyzed, you say?" " Yeah." "Well, then." "I guess we better take a look at you." " You feel that?" " No." " Oh, yes." " What is it, Doc?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "You just examined him." "That is correct." "But I'm not a neurologist." "What you should do is to take this man... to see a specialist to determine the extent of the damages." " But I can't be moved." " That's true." "Well, isn't it true that an injury of this type could heal up overnight?" " That is true." " Isn't it also true... that an injury of this type can leave a person crippled for life?" "And that is true." "What are you telling me?" "Is he gonna be all right, or is he gonna be crippled?" "I don't know." "Are you sure this ain't the day you're supposed to be at the post office?" "Nevertheless, that is my suggestion to you." "May I add, do you have any idea how many doctors there are in this country... honest enough to say they don't know?" " How many?" " I don't know." "That will be $10, please." "This ain't turning out the way I thought." "Good-bye and thank you very much." "And Doctor, cover up when you cough like that." "Put your hand over your mouth or something." "And stay off the freeways." "You mean you drank that beer I just gave you?" "They do go fast, don't they?" "Hello." "Oh, Lamont." "Yeah." "Hold on just a minute." "Yeah, Lamont?" "Yeah, he's still here." "No." "The doctor wasn't no help." "Oh, I'll get rid of him if I have to burn the house down." "Say, that gives me an idea." "I'm not gonna burn the house down." "It just gives me an idea." "I'll see you, here?" "Bye." "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Help!" "Save yourself!" "Everybody!" "Save yourselves!" "Fire!" "Everybody here!" "Fire!" "Didn't you hear what I said?" "I believe it was fire, fire, or something like that." "You're not just gonna sit there and burn up, are you?" "I guess I've got to, I can't move." "And bring me another beer, please, Freddie, will you?" "And make it a cold one this time." "You keep drinking beer like you're doing, something's gonna happen to you." "Some more cold beer coming up." "Wonder why I didn't think of that before?" "Oh, when the lights are low" "And the dwindling shadows" "My, but you two have become mighty chummy." "I should've known better than to leave the two of you alone together." "Why'd you have to start drinking?" "What's the matter with you?" " Wait a minute, Lamont." "Calm down." " Don't tell me to calm down." "You were supposed to get rid of him, and I come through the door... and find you sitting in here singing and boozing with him." "Don't fuss in front of company." "Come in the kitchen." " Since when did he become company?" " Come on in the kitchen." " Shut the door." " I don't understand..." "I'm just buttering him up because I'm setting the trap." "He done got out of all the other traps." "This one, he's got to slide right into." " What are you talking about?" " Let nature take its course." "He's been drinking beer all day and didn't get up once." "He keeps drinking beer like that, he's gonna have to get up sooner or later." "The simplicity of it." "That's perfect." "Why didn't I think of that?" "'Cause you ain't simpleminded like me." "Come on." "Gus, everything's cleared up." "Just a little misunderstanding." "Yeah, I'm sorry I blew off the handle." "It won't happen again." "Yeah." "Listen, Gus, we gotta go down here to the shopping center... and pick up a few things, be gone about an hour." " Oh, great." " Drink all you want, hear?" " Just take it easy, Gus." " I'm bringing back plenty of beer." "Keep on drinking." "We got him now." "I could see it in his eyes when you offered him that beer." "Yeah." "Like the French would say, "Oui, oui, monsieur. "" "Listen, I'll tell you what." "You take the truck and drive it up there and hide it around the corner... then you come on back here to the house and I'll meet you in the kitchen." " Roger." " Roger." " Did he move?" " He's upstairs in the toilet now." "I think we got him this time." "I know we got him this time." "That's what I call the flush of victory." "You call the police, and I'll go catch him when he comes down the steps." "Roger." "I caught you, didn't I?" "You bum you." "You thought you was fooling around with a couple of chumps, didn't you?" "Come on down here." "I'm gonna cave your skull in." "Now get out of my way, old man." "Get out of my way." "Hey, Lamont." "You got the police?" " Pop, what happened?" " He attacked me, son." "He attacked me." "Something snapped in my back." "Oh, my legs." "The feeling's going from my legs." "I can't feel nothing down here." "Lamont, my legs." "Call the doctor, son." "Call Dr. Caldwell." "And, son?" "While you're at it... bring me a nice, cold beer." "The road killed my pappy" " Hey, Pop." " Morning, son." "I'll have your breakfast ready in a "mo. "" "That's the way used to say it around St. Louis. "In a mo. "" "You know, like M-O for Missouri?" "Before we do anything else this morning... let's get that tub loaded on the truck, okay?" " Are you back on that again?" " Yes, I'm back on that." "Now that freeloader's gone, and you don't have any more excuses." " Now let's go." " I got excuses." "I woke up this morning and my side was hurting." "Then my ankle "swole" up yesterday." "Then you know my arthritis and my heart." "I coughed all day Wednesday..." "One, two..." "All right, all right." "You start sliding the tub over, and I'll make room on the truck." "Gee whiz." "Why you keep putting this stuff all over..." "Lamont." "Come here." "We can't load the tub." "Why?" "Oh, no." "Chi Chi." "Chi Chi done had her second litter of puppies this year." "I think somebody ought to tell her about the pill." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."