"[♪]" "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Oh." "Yeah." "I'll pick it up tomorrow." "What time do you guys close?" "All right." "Thank you." "Bye." "What?" "I gotta tell you," "I am not crazy about the way you answer the phone." "What do you mean?" "The way you say hello." "It's like...hello." "It's like you're saying," ""I'm already bored with this conversation, and I'm bored with you."" "Uh-huh." "And the way you answer the phone is so great?" "Yeah." "Yes, it is." "I'm very friendly." "Really?" "Let's hear one." "All right." "[HIGH, CHEERFUL VOICE] Hul-lo!" "You do not do that." "I do so." "It's a very solid hello." "It's warm and inviting and..." "I've been told, a little sexy." "Well, you know what I'll do?" "I'll quit my job and practice saying hello full-time." "Is that good?" "You don't have to bite, all right?" "I'm just trying to help you with your greeting skills." "Well, don't." "Whatever." "Sorry I brought it up." "Yeah, me too." "Fine." "Fine." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "♪ My eyes are gettin' weary" "♪ My back is gettin' tight" "♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic" "♪ On the Queensborough bridge Tonight ♪" "♪ But I don't care 'Cause all I wanna do ♪" "♪ Is cash my check And drive right home to you ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you ♪" "[♪]" "I think they made a mistake in the word jumble." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "The letters are M-A-L-B." "There's nothing you can make of that, you know?" "Mahbul..." "Ahblum..." "Buhmal..." "There's nothing!" "Lamb." "I'll play around with that." "[HUMMING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"] ♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum" "♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum Dum, dum ♪" "♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum... ♪ Arthur" "♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum Dum, dum ♪" "In case you didn't catch that subtle hint, his birthday's coming up." "Yeah, I know." "This morning I woke up with a party hat on." "God, he's gonna be 75!" "We should do something special for him, don't you think?" "Chip in for a hooker?" "Not quite that special." "Save that for my birthday." "Hey, who said that?" "Doug, come on." "I'm being serious." "You know, I feel like such a slug when it comes to his birthday." "Every year we schlep him off to White Castle and throw 20 bucks' worth of scratch-offs at him." "What do you want to do instead?" "I don't know." "I thinking like a surprise party." "A party?" "With people?" "I'm thinking with people." "Yes." "Yes." "Let's see." "His birthday is on Tuesday." "Maybe we can catch him off guard if we do it on Sunday." "Sunday?" "No, no!" "You can't do it on Sunday!" "It's my only day off this week because I'm working Saturday, remember?" "Hey, do it Saturday." "Doug, come on, you gotta be there." "Well, think about it!" "First of all, I don't wanna be there." "And they don't want me there, you know?" "I'll start drinking." "I'm an angry drunk." "I'll pop someone!" "That's very nice, Doug." "You can't give up one lousy afternoon for a man who's turning 75?" "It's not that old." "It is old!" "Do you realize who was president when he was born?" "I can't spell lamb!" "[CROWD CHEERING FROM TELEVISION]" "Doug!" "What are you still doing home?" "Trying to enjoy my two minutes of weekend." "Well, I hope you did, because they're over." "Now come on!" "You gotta get my father out of the house so I can start setting up." "[SIGHS] Fine." "Get him out of the house." "You're not the boss of me." "What'd you say?" "Nothing." "So, what excuse you gonna use?" "I don't know." "Can we just club him, and when he wakes up, we yell, "surprise!"" "Doug, you need to get him out of the house." "All right, all right!" "Take a chill pill." "Take a chill pill?" "What's wrong with that?" "You say "It's all good."" "All right." "Just go." "Just go!" "[MUSIC PLAYS FROM TELEVISION]" "Hey, guy, whatcha doing?" "I'm watching this very interesting program." "See, this young fellow Screech has painted himself into quite a corner." "Listen, I was gonna go out and get a bite to eat, and I thought, "Hey, why not grab the man down under?"" "So, uh...you up for it?" "Thank you." "No." "You know, I was thinking then maybe we'd swing by that skeeball place you like so much." "Come on." "Passaroo." "Well, maybe we'll go to the bowling alley afterwards" "Sweet Mary, will you take a hint?" "!" "You know what?" "Look, Arthur..." "The thing this is, you see, I" " I, uh..." "I need you to, uh, come with me... on an errand." "What errand?" "I have to pick something up." "What?" "A, uh...um... a great big-- one of those, uh" "Fish tank?" "Yeah." "We're getting fish?" "Um, yeah." "Been thinking about it for quite a while, actually." "I love fish!" "Well, that's something we share!" "So you coming?" "Try and stop me!" "Hey, did you know I had a trout farm before the war?" "Nope." "Didn't know that." "Let me tell you, Douglas..." "They're very delicate creatures." "I learned that the hard way." "Oh, hey." "Where are you fellas off to?" "Where do you think we're going?" "To get the new aquarium!" "We may have to get rid of the piano." "This is-- This is great, huh?" "I thought we were getting an aquarium." "We are." "We are." "I just thought, uh... we'd spend a little time just you and me first, you know?" "Just the men, the boys, you know?" "No pesky women dragging us down." "I don't know where you're going with this, Douglas, but you're making me very uncomfortable." "We're eating lunch, okay?" "Hey, you like the buffet here, right?" "Actually, I do." "They got hot wings here that'll singe your short hairs right off." "A little less hungry now, but okay." "The meatballs are also marvelous." "Oh!" "And the brownies." "Wow!" "Out of this world!" "Are you gentlemen ready to order?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'm gonna go with the buffet." "Nothing for me, thanks." "I thought you wanted the buffet." "Oh, I do." "And I'll be having it." "Why are you winking at me?" "You just fall off the turnip truck?" "I'll tell you what I wanna eat." "You slip it to me off your plate, and we walk out of here $6.99 richer." "Oh, boy." "Arthur, just let me pay for you." "That's crazy!" "You're about to invest in a very expensive aquarium!" "It's okay, all right?" "I can take the hit." "Where's the waiter?" "Douglas, I will not sit here and watch you spend like a madman just to impress me!" "See you at home." "Fine, fine, fine." "Look, we can share off my plate, all right?" "That's my boy." "[SIGHS] All right, so..." "What do you want me to get first?" "Just put whatever you want for yourself on one half of the plate, and the other half, load it up with beets!" "Uh, dear?" "Yes, Mrs. Hanley?" "I'm diabetic and I can't take any sugar." "Do you have any Equal?" "Oh, yes." "It's right over there." "Oh, thank you so much." "You're welcome." "So!" "Little Carrie Spooner." "Hi, Mr. Tepper." "My, how the years fly by." "It seems like only yesterday you were a gangly little kid, you know, with the pigtails and the braces." "You remember that?" "Worst years of my life." "Yes, I do." "Ha, ha." "And now look at you." "You blossomed into a lovely young lady." "Oh, thank you so much." "No, I mean it." "You're gorgeous with that velvet skin and that tight little body." "Yeah, you're probably as limber as a cat." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Excuse me." "Thank you!" "Oh, Mr. Glassman!" "Hey!" "Hi!" "Carrie." "It's good to see you." "Oh, thank you for coming!" "Are you kidding?" "Ha!" "Think I would miss a wonderful thing like this?" "Wild horses couldn't keep" "Who invited that miserable bastard?" "!" "Screw you!" "Okay." "I'm ready for a tater tot." "Ah, ah, ah." "[FAKING COUGH]" "Do you really enjoy eating this way?" "Yes, I do." "Now, under the guise of shaking hands, pass me a stuffed mushroom." "This is where I throw you a "No."" "Come on, grease me!" "Would you just-- do me a favor, take the plate." "Are you insane?" "The walls have eyes around here!" "Oh, do they?" "Well, then let's stop stealing, huh?" "Why don't you shout it through a megaphone?" "!" "For God's sake, be discreet!" "I am being discreet, okay?" "You're the one with buffalo wing sauce all over your face." "Just take the plate!" "No." "Take it!" "No!" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Are you also having the buffet, sir?" "How dare you make such an accusation!" "I fought for this country!" "Yes." "We have been sharing." "Here's $20 for two buffets." "Keep the change." "Thank you." "Hold it, fella." "Yes, sir?" "There was broken glass in this taco meat." "No, no, there wasn't, okay?" "It's fine." "Everything's fine." "Okay?" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Arthur, what is going on inside that head of yours?" "Are there two wires that are touching that shouldn't be?" "!" "Is there a leak of some sort?" "Because let me tell you, something is very, very wrong!" "I'm going to the bathroom." "When I come back...be fixed!" "All right." "Just calm down, Mr. Glassman." "Have a cold drink." "Everything's gonna be fine." "You give a guy a first job, and he stabs you in the back!" "Some first job, taking orders from that snot-nosed kid of yours!" "Okay, Mr. Tepper" "Oh, that's why you did it, to get even!" "I didn't do anything, you crazy old man!" "Who's old?" "You're older!" "You're older than me!" "I am not!" "You are older than" "Okay, enough!" "Let's just agree you're both old, okay?" "Now, come on, what's the big deal here, huh?" "What, did he cheat you at gin rummy, huh?" "Forget to return your power mower on time?" "What?" "He had sex with my wife!" "Uh-huh." "Okay." "That's significant." "It's been 40 years, and he can't accept the fact that I did not do it!" "Why would I?" "She looked like Tony Randall in a wig!" "She had to wear a wig." "She had a condition." "Okay, guys, enough!" "Now, look, Doug is back with Arthur, okay?" "He's your friend, and you want him to have a nice party, right?" "BOTH:" "Yeah, yeah." "Okay." "So from now on, no more talk about who did or didn't do... your wife, all right?" "Let's just smile and put all our energies into a nice, robust surprise, okay?" "Okay?" "[MURMURING ASSENT]" "Alrighty." "Let's get ready." "Come on!" "ALL:" "Surprise!" "Hey, how you doing?" "Hon, where is my father?" "I was hoping he came back here!" "No!" "Why is he not with you?" "He got loose." "[♪]" "I went to the bathroom for, like, two seconds, and when I came back to the table, he was gone!" "All he left was a note on his place mat." ""Dear Douglas, I'd rather have a defective head" ""than a cold heart." "So kiss me where the sun don't shine, and I don't mean London."" "That's all he wrote?" "No, he also did the connect-the-dots in the back." "How do you not see that's a candy cane?" "For God's sake, Doug, why'd you have to get so mad at him?" "I told you, he was acting like a maniac with his little buffet scheme!" "So you handshake him a few stuffed mushrooms." "I been doing it since I was a kid." "Oh, really?" "You know what, why stop there?" "Why don't I just French kiss him Jell-o?" "That'll be good." "I cannot believe you." "I give you one thing to do today, one thing, and you screw it up!" "Excuse me!" "It was my one day off in two weeks, and it was your idea to put me in charge of oldie." "Well, it's oldie's birthday!" "Ah, forget it!" "Where you going?" "I am going to find him and bring him back." "Just stay here and keep the party alive." "It's a little late for that." "I should be back within an hour, assuming he's at one of his usual hangouts." "Well, he's not at OTB or Nude Nudes." "Thanks." "Hey, how you doing there?" "Hi, how's it going?" "Hey, how's everybody doing?" "Anybody need anything?" "No?" "All right, great." "I'm just gonna turn on the TV here." "You guys keep talking about the old times, how everything used to cost a nickel and whatnot." "You Carrie's husband?" "Yeah." "Yes, I am." "Any of your friends ever have sex with her?" "Don't start up again, you sick, paranoid bastard!" "You are gonna rot in hell!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!" "Knicks are down by four!" "Dad?" "Uh, excuse me, is there an Arthur Spooner in there?" "ARTHUR:" "No." "Now shut the door!" "I know that's you, Dad." "I'm not Dad." "My name is Mr. Wong." "I'm an importer of silk!" "Dad, please don't be Mr. Wong right now." "Come on." "I really want you to come home." "Oh, do you?" "Well, your husband clearly doesn't feel the same way!" "Dad, would you listen to me?" "Hi." "How you doing?" "Doug is very sorry for what he said." "Well, sorry doesn't pay the butcher!" "Now shut the door!" "Don't you go near my car, Glassman!" "Don't you-- Oh, my God!" "You are an animal!" "All right." "All right!" "Two can play at that game!" "Say, Doug, do you happen to own a sledge hammer?" "In the garage." "Thank you." "Hey, Tepper!" "Thanks for leaving your top down." "Made my job a lot easier." "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Ugh!" "You just bought yourself a date with my fist!" "Oh, come on." "Give me your best shot!" "Oh, you'll get my best shot, all right!" "Come on, bring it on!" "It's coming!" "It's coming special delivery!" "I'll be at home to sign for it." "Either fight or nap!" "You see... what Doug meant was... your brain is like a computer, you know, very-- very intricate." "And-- and complex." "And if something was to go wrong inside of it, then that would make him...sad." "Don't try to sugar coat this, darling." "He clearly despises me." "That is so not the case!" "He took you to lunch." "That proves he likes you, right?" "No." "It proves he needed someone to hold up the other end of a fish tank!" "What a waste of an afternoon this was!" "Believe me, not having the time of my life either." "Dad, could you please just get past this and come home?" "Sorry." "Dad..." "I am hot and sweaty, and I have seen things in here I will never forget." "Now can we please just go home?" "No!" "For God's sakes, could you stop being so selfish?" "The reason Doug took you out today was because we're having a surprise party for you." "A surprise party?" "Really?" "Yes." "Way to ruin it!" "Okay, now, guys, I'd really like to settle this before the fourth quarter starts." "Carl..." "did you or did you not sleep with Irv's wife?" "I did not!" "Well, there you go." "Case closed." "Feels good, doesn't it?" "It was him!" "I got a witness." "Who's your witness?" "Ah, ah, ah!" "All right, Irv." "Who is your witness?" "Arthur Spooner." "Ha!" "Oh, yeah!" "He said he saw Carl Tepper sneaking out of my house at 2 a.m.!" "That's impossible!" "I was working the night shift!" "Oh, really?" "He told me he saw you with my wife at the Concord Hotel and inside a bungalow at Ocean City!" "I never been to those places!" "Ha, ha!" "Oh, please, please!" "I'm just lucky that every time my wife was unfaithful," "Arthur was there!" "♪ Happy birthday Dear Arthur ♪" "♪ Happy birthday" "♪ To you" "Now, remember." "No one thinks you know about the party, so make sure you act surprised, okay?" "Don't you worry." "I do a wonderful fake heart attack!" "Yeah, I know." "I remember from our wedding." "All right." "Now, Dad, I'm just gonna run in and make sure everybody's set to surprise you and sing "Happy birthday" and all that, okay?" "Darling, wait." "What?" "I've given this a lot of thought, and I decided I'd prefer "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."" "Uh..." "That's-- that's fine." "I'll be right back." "[GAME PLAYING ON TV]" "What's going on?" "Where is everybody?" "I sent them home." "What?" "Why do you keep losing people?" "Back it down, all right?" "I just saved your father from being hollowed out by an angry mob." "What are you talking about?" "Let's say we got to the bottom of who nailed Marian Glassman." "Oh, my God." "My father?" "Yep." "And he blamed it on the other guy." "That's our birthday boy." "Where is he?" "He's right outside!" "So bring him in." "I can't!" "He thinks there's a surprise party waiting for him." "Why did you tell him about it?" "It was the only way I could get him to come home." "[BREATHLESSLY] This is such an honor!" "A man is nothing without friends!" "[IMPERIOUSLY] This is such an honor." "A man is nothing without friends!" "What are we gonna do?" "What are we gonna do?" "Should we call some neighbors, have them come in the back door?" "No." "They're all much younger than him." "And he's suing most of them." "Okay, okay." "Hey, hey, how about that soft yogurt place at the mall?" "You ever see that place?" "It's like a sea of gray!" "Feel like saying anything helpful?" "Hey, I don't hear you tossing out any gems." "Sorry." "It's just that I cannot bring that man in here without a fricking surprise party." "It'll kill him!" "So, what do we do?" "I don't know!" "Think!" "[HUMMING "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]" "♪ Which nobody can deny" "[BANJO STRUMS OPENING NOTES OF "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]" "[BANJO STRUMS END NOTES OF "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]" "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Better." "But be more inviting." "Hel-lo!" "Stop it!" "[♪]"