"Hold on." "Just a second, just a second." "All right." "Give me the money." "OK, you got it." "All right, fine." "Do you have a bet?" "All right." "OK." "OK." "All right." "Attention, all personnel." "Attention." "Three minutes to Charlie." "Repeat, three minutes to Charlie." "Try to feel compassionate." "Remember, even one of our saints received a Dear John letter." "Attention, all personnel." "Attention." "Three minutes to Charlie." " Has anyone picked 40 yards, Radar?" " Oh, no, Father, it's still open." "Oh, good." "If I'm lucky, the proceeds go to the Bible Fund." "Oh, me too." " I say, Reggie, you come here often?" " Only when my horse is running." " Rather." "Our turf accountant." "Jolly good." " You guys got the same place as yesterday?" " Of course, my good man." "Be quick about it." " OK." "Trapper, you're 47, Hawkeye, 62." " Good show." "Carry on." " Pip-pip." " Righto." " Cheerio." "You guys got a cold?" "Won't be long now, folks." "Stand by for Charlie." " Take cover!" " Air raid!" " What air raid?" "It's 5 O'Clock Charlie." " He's trying to destroy us from the skies!" "He's been trying for six weeks." "He hasn't hit anything yet." "I think he washed out of kamikaze school." "He's a loner, a misfit." "He's a menace, and he's going to bomb us." " He has a lovely day for it, hasn't he?" " Hear, hear." " Where, where?" " Frank, give them a direct order." "Do, Frank." "We've never ignored one of those." " I'm a major." "You're captains." " That's an accident of birth." " We were born majors." " Someone switched us in our cribs." " Very funny." " It's true." "We're twins, identical majors." " Shall we?" " Rather." "How can you clown this way?" "Don't you realise the danger?" " You realise for us." " Protect us, Uncle Frank." " Well..." " By Jove, I believe I hear Charlie." " Who put water in my gun?" " How do you know it's water?" "This isn't even..." "Where is my gun?" " We sold it." " We beat it into ploughshares." " Oh, come here, Frank." " It's not funny, hiding a person's weapon." "I say, shall we toddle off?" "Oh, yes, no one's seated after the first act." "Metzenbaum scissors." "I can't see anything." "Richardson retractor." "The big one." "Boy, this kid's got more junk in him than a used car lot." "Attention." "Attention." "One minute to Charlie." "The betting book is now closed." "Here he comes, that old bugger." "Right on time." " What's your number, Ginger?" " 32 and a half yards." "Forget it, honey." "You haven't got a chance." " 3-0 chromic, Gl." " What number have you got, Doctor?" "You got me two instruments." "One at a time." "That's a girl." "Well, I'm not saying." "I'm not saying." "Two of mine stolen last week." " Gimme some more retraction." " My little arms are breaking already." "32 and a half yards." "You're out of your pretty little mind, honey." "All right, Doctor, let's clean this place up." "That's a boy." "How can you sit there and just let yourself get bombed?" " One good bombing deserves another." " Down in front." "Honestly!" "You can't take him anywhere." "And now, direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week," "5 O'Clock Charlie, his airplane and his astigmatism!" " Ah, there he is..." "Charles." " Oh, yes." " Hello, Charles." " I say, he's got a cough today, doesn't he?" " It's a wonder he can fly at all." " Oh, yes." "He looks rather peaky to me." "Fragile." "Well done, Charles." " But he missed." " Oh, yes." "Bad luck, Charles." "See you tomorrow." "And that concludes 5 O'Clock Charlie for today, folks." "Hope you enjoyed him as much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to you." "Results of the pool will be announced in a few minutes." "Join us tomorrow, same time." "Until then, have a nice war." "Shall we repair to the digs and wait for the results?" "Good idea." "We're nearly out of plasma." " Nurse, you're out of uniform." " Where?" "How about my place in five minutes?" " Colonel..." " Frank, Charlie is like one of our own." "How else would we know it's five o'clock if he didn't try to blast that ammo dump?" "Why can't anyone take this seriously?" "It's cute, huh?" "I got this little outfit in the Tokyo PX last week." "Colonel, I must insist..." " I didn't know they were naked underneath." " You're not supposed to look under there." " I insist you do something about the raids!" " Gimme a break, Frank." "Get off my back." "Well... history certainly repeats itself." "Nobody listened to Billy Mitchell, either." " Who's Billy Mitchell?" " He advocated a strong air force." " Gary Cooper played him." " He played Sergeant York." "He also played Billy Mitchell and Lou Gehrig, and he was for a strong air force." "That's pretty surprising for a first baseman." "I am certain that General Clayton would send us an anti-aircraft gun." "And I am sure that General Clayton is not in the rent-a-gun service." "And anyway, who'd shoot the thing?" "I've had some gunnery experience." "I was in the ROTC." "You'd think a man with ROTC training wouldn't go peeking' up a doll's skirt." "I am a doctor." " What about calling the general?" " I can't call the general, Frank." " General's not in his office." " I didn't want to talk to him anyway." " He's not there." "This is yours, sir." " Mine?" "You came closest with 75 and a half yards." "Almost 100 bucks!" "Zowie!" "Holy moly!" "Corporal Johnson came next with 223/4." "This is insane." "Nobody bet on the Battle of Britain." ""He who controls the skies controls the war." Hermann Goering said that." "He also wore tutus and ate whole bakeries, Frank." " I'll file these forms, sir." " File those forms." " Hi, Henry." "Heard the great news." " Congratulations." "You got a contract out on Henry, Frank?" "We're havin' a poker game in The Swamp tonight." " If you can't make it, send the money." " We'll celebrate." " General Clayton." " Thanks, Radar." "Henry Blake here." "Get me General Clayton right away." "Oh, this is General Clayton." "Henry Blake here." "How are you, General?" "Oh, just fine." "No." "No, sir." "No, I'm afraid you were a little short." "No, I think you had..." "Radar?" " 52 yards, Colonel." " 52 yards, General." "Right." "Sir?" "Excuse me." "While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an 04ww nug." "Yeah, that's right, sir." "A nug, so that we can..." "What's a nug, sir?" "Well, a nug is a... a gun, sir." "A 40mm gun." " You gotta be kidding." " We definitely do not need a nug." " Keep out of this!" " We don't need a gun or a nug." "Are you trying to get us into the war?" "You send a gun and that'll draw a lot of fire!" "That won't do our wounded much good." " Give me that!" " Get rid of the dump, we won't need a gun." " Do you mind?" " Previous suggestion is contraindicated." "We need an anti-aircraft gun desperately!" "Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?" "Henry Blake again, General." "What's that, sir?" "Yeah, sure." "I'll check on that." "Put him down for 64 yards for tomorrow." " Hawkeye and Trapper have 64 yards." " Give it to him." " What difference does it make?" " Yes, you've got a bet." "64 yards." "What's that, sir?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, sir." "That's a good idea." "As always." "Well, yes, sir." "Thank you." "Nice..." "Bye." "He's coming up tomorrow to look at the situation." "Better tell Hot Lips to warm up a merrywidow." "Oh, now, that's filthy." "Henry, it's insane to arm this place." "Keep your pants on till Clayton gets here." "He'll decide." " Honestly, you all make me sick!" " I think he means we're contraindicated." "Someday all of this'll come out:" "your behaviour, your filthy language, your betting on the enemy." "And, believe me, it'll be a shameful page for Uncle Sam." "The general's coming up here." "lsn't that good enough for ya?" "Yeah, what more do you want?" "I want everybody to understand that this is war, and that war is a call to arms." "Here's our money, mister." "Don't staple us." "Someday, all this will come out." "I'm terribly sorry, Padre." "Oh, that's all right, General." "I'll just turn the other cheek." "Get yourself something to eat, Sergeant." "Psst." "Margaret." "Quickly, before word gets out I'm here." "You know Major Burns?" "Major Frank Burns?" "Yes, of course." "Burns." "We wanted to talk to you before anybody else about the gun." " There's a war on, General." " I read the papers." "The major and I... we feel that the colonel and a certain two captains..." "Two majors against a colonel and two captains." "What the major is trying to say is that we feel they..." " The colonel and two captains." " ..will try to influence you against the gun." "Nothing can make a general's mind up for him." "I'll decide for myself." "Attention." "Five minutes to Charlie." "Five minutes." " Now's your chance, General." " I'd better tell Blake I'm in camp." "Major Houlihan, I'lI want to discuss this later." " Yes, sir." " Yes, sir!" "Privately." "Oh, excuse me." "I'm sorry, sir." "Sorry." "Oh, it's classic, Henry." "The ammo dump, the road." "Store material near hospitals so the enemy will leave it alone, huh?" " Learned it from the Germans." " Now we're taking lessons from the losers." "Instead of trying to knock out Charlie, why don't we get rid of this garbage?" "That'll keep him away." "Or does that make too much sense?" "Well, I really don't think a gun is necessary." "Do you, Henry?" "Certainly not." "Unless you think I should think otherwise." "I don't think that." "A winner in the "definite maybe" sweepstakes!" "One minute to Charlie." "One minute." " We might be safer behind that rock there." " Good thinking, Henry." "And here he is, for your wartime pleasure, the one and only... 5 O'Clock Charlie!" "Way to go, Charlie!" "I knew I should have bet on the Jeep today." " Henry." " Yes, sir?" "You've got your gun." "To the right flank, harch!" "To the rear, harch!" "Detail... halt, two, three." "Men, I don't have to tell you of the importance of our mission." "We are the first surgical unit to have an anti-aircraft capability." "Success is vital." "I repeat, vital." "The eyes of the military are upon us." "Now, first off... any of you speak English?" "Yes, sir." "Also French, Italian, and a little German." " Sehr gut!" "You will be platoon leader." " I thought you were the platoon leader." "For purposes of our table of organisation, I am the commander." "So you will be platoon leader." "You will be squad leader." "And you will be the squad." "The enemy very foolishly attacks at the same time every day." "There's no element of surprise." "The man does not possess an ounce of cleverness, which shows you the limitation of oriental thinking." "No offence." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "To the rear, march." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "To the rear, march." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "To the right flank, harch!" "To the rear, march!" "To the right flank, harch!" "To the rear, march!" "Halt!" "Right and left face!" "Cut that out, face!" "Count off!" " Are you one?" " Yes, are you?" " That's not funny." " Count off!" " One." " Two." "That's about it." "OK, at ease." "That strikes me funny... not." "I think it ill behooves us." "Behooves?" "What, are we in the cavalry now?" "It ill behooves us to show such a frivolous attitude in front of our Korean allies." "Come on, Frank, don't you understand?" "Fire draws fire." "You shoot that and we'lI have real planes, MiGs, throwing bombs at our wounded." "Maybe you haven't noticed, but we have wounded." "The combination of malpractice and flop sweat makes it hard for him to see." "I know what my duty is, and I intend to do it!" "Fall in!" "About face!" "Forward march!" "Hep, hup, hip, four." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "Hep, hup, hip, four." "Attaboy, Frank." "Flush 'em outta the skies!" "How are we gonna stop Frank?" "All right, on one of his nocturnal visits to Hot Lips, we sew him to the tent." "They'd wiggle out of that." "He'd probably love it, too." "I know I would." "What about this?" "A skin graft over his mouth so he can't give the command to fire." " He's trigger-happy." " He can taste that plane." " I wish it would fly down his throat." " It's not an uncommon phenomenon." "You know, for medical men, professional guys, to get gung ho." " The 325th has a paratrooper rabbi." " A real rabbi?" " Yeah." " A paratrooper?" "In every way." "Except he won't jump on Saturdays." "Fascinating, but it doesn't help." "Maybe we're too sober." "Cardozo, booze?" "When I left the States, I promised my wife that I wouldn't have a drink or another woman till I got back to her." " That's nice." " Gimme a blast." "Make it a short one." "I got a date tonight." "I've been listening." "You guys want another opinion?" "You're only a dentist." "To you, life is something wet that hardens overnight, and then you put gold on it." "What you want to do is forget about Frank." "His kind is indestructible." "They always have been." " That's your opinion?" " Yeah." "Play, Phil." "Sing, Dennis." "What you want to do is get rid of the dump." "Take away the dump, you take away the gun." "Take away the gun, you take away Frank's motivation, and the menace is gone." "For that idea, we'll put you in the Christmas play." "Yeah, you can be the talking cavity." " But I can't give you four dozen sheets." " You never turned us down before." " Yeah, but four dozen sheets?" " We just met four dozen great girls." "Four dozen." "A requisition for 18 gallons of Mercurochrome?" "Yeah, we got a patient with an enormous cut." " I never had a martini that way." "May I?" " Please." "Goes great with a soap chaser." "I gotta hand it to us, Trap." "We have made that ammo dump unmissable... even for Charlie." " Two hours to showtime, it'll be over." " Frank won't be playing with his ack-ack." "Say, let's do something nice for him." "How about a couple of cc's of the plague?" "Or we could name an infection after him." " Or make him the infection." " Either way it's a nice gesture." "I just had a terrible idea." "What if that creep gets lucky and hits Charlie before Charlie hits the dump?" "We'd better take care of that contingency." " Hey, this is the nurses' shower!" " I waited as long as I could." "She's late today." "OK, watch it." "Here he comes." "Hurry up!" "Hi, Frank." "Down this way." "We think it's an early abscess." "Why call on me?" "When it comes to pus, we always think of you." "Yeah, Frank." "This is your arena." "Post-op infections, that's you." "He should have had antibiotics." "You waited too long, now you've got a fever on your hands." " Right to the heart of the clinical picture." " Got eyes in the back of his stethoscope." "Doctor, I'm getting ready to do the 4.30 feeding on Thompson?" " Bed number six." " Good." "Do that." "Give him the 4.30 feeding." " Kind of fun, working like this, huh, guys?" " We gotta pull together more, Frank." "Amen to that, old buddies." "That's Charlie." " lt can't be, Frank." "It's only 4.30." " I know Charlie when I hear him." "lmpossible." "You... you sneaks!" "I've got to get to that gun." "It's Pearl Harbor all over again!" "Attention." "Two minutes to Charlie." "Two minutes to Charlie." "Take your positions, men." " 180 degrees, point south." " 180 degrees." " By 270, point west." " 270." " On a 60-degree azimuth due north." " 60!" " I have 60-degree azimuth." "Do I hear 65?" " I bid 65!" " 65!" " He said 60." " 60!" " I'm sorry, sir, we already have a 65." " 65." " I said 65." "Let's start all over." " Let's start over." " Colonel!" " I have a colonel, do I hear a general?" " I'll bid a general, one star." " One!" " I have a one-star general." "Do I hear two?" " Two." " Come on, folks." "We're not gonna let this fine war go for just a two-star general." " Henry, what they're doing is mutiny." " That's a little strong, isn't it?" "I'm placing you both under arrest." "I'm losing him." "Fire, dammit!" "Fire!" " But, sir..." " You heard him, soldier!" "Fire!" "Oh, good shot, Frank." "And so, as he flies the blue lady of the skies into the sunset, we say "Aloha, 5 O'Clock Charlie", and return to our duties." "Let me remind you the hospital is open 24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure." "See this new stuff on vein grafts?" "That's fantastic." "I bet that cuts down on amputations by 50 per cent." "Or better." " You know, I could eat." " Yeah." "Hey, it's ten after five." " I miss him." " Me, too." "Tell the truth, Frank." "Don't you miss Charlie?" " Oh, I forgot." "You did." " Hawk, that's in bad taste." " If I did, it was all your fault!" " Come on, why don't you join us?" "You don't mind eating with peacemongers, do you?" " Come on, Frank." " Come on." " Come on, we're two buddies." " Come on, Frank." " Why can't I stay mad at you two lugs?" " We'll work something out."