"I never really understood the importance of the conductor." "Between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing?" "Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin?" "Does that really help you out?" "I could see how we need him at the beginning, okay?" "Tap, tap, tap." ""Start." Okay." "I could see how you need that." "But once we're going, okay." "Once it's all happening what do we need him for then?" "I don't see the cellist looking up, "I'm confused." "I don't know what to do."" "And the conductor goes, "Do this." "Like this..."" ""Oh, okay, thank you." "Thank you very much."" "Why try anymore?" "There's no sense to it." "I'll never meet anybody." "I should accept it." " Oh, yes, you will." " No, I won't." "Yeah, maybe you won't." "It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like." " Are my nostrils getting bigger?" " No." "See, why must it be so difficult?" "Why all this tension and hostility?" "Why can't I just walk up to a woman and say, " Hi, I'm George." "How are you?" Is that so terrible?" "H..." "H..." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." " There's no men out there." " I know." "The problem is that the good ones know they're good." "They know they're in demand." "They're not interested in confining themselves to one person." "I hate the good ones." "Is Jerry a good one?" "That's a good question." "I think he thinks he is." "The mediocre ones are available but so insecure about not being a good one that they always go, "I'm not good enough for you." "What are you doing with me?" Eventually I just go, "You're right."" "Maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre." "No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing." "Somebody who just appreciates being with me because he's so desperate." "It's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone." "I almost made a date with one." "Oh, so there's still hope." "I don't want hope." "Hope is killing me." "My dream is to become hopeless." "The hopeless don't care." "When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive." " So hopelessness is the key." " It's my only hope." "You see, I wouldn't really mind so much but I feel badly for my mother." "If my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad." "But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, I'll have to kill her." "Because it's the only fair thing to do." "I just couldn't put her through that." "At least you're not bitter." "Who says I'm not bitter?" " Aren't you too young to be bitter?" " No, you can be young and bitter." "Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be 10 years from now." "But I'm bitter." "Anyway, don't tell anyone." "Don't worry." "Your bitterness is safe with me." "Okay." "Order me a piece of cake." "I'm gonna go throw up." "Look at my hands." "Look." "Filthy from the paper." "They should give you a Wet-Nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints." " What did you do last night?" " Went out with George." "You?" "Went out with Cynthia." "What did you talk about?" "Oh, you know, the usual." "The Federal Reserve, the rain forest." "Cynthia felt we should nuke the rain forest." "Get rid of it in one fell swoop so we could eliminate it as a subject of conversation." " What about you?" " We brushed on that." "Actually, George was in rare form." "He just can't find anybody." "I know." "Cynthia too." " She's really given up." " George too." " Yeah, right." " Yeah, right." " I've never fixed anybody up." " Me neither." "And I am not about to start with George." "Well, why wouldn't you start with George?" "You think she's too good for George?" "I didn't say "too good," did I?" " You implied it." " I didn't say it." "If you think she's too good for George you are dead wrong." "Dead wrong." "Who is she?" " Who is he?" " He's George." " She's Cynthia." " So what?" "What, you don't think she's beautiful?" "What's with the eyebrows?" "You know what your problem is?" "Your standards are too high." "I went out with you." "That's because my standards are too low." "And by the way, women kill for eyebrows like that." "Do you know that?" "Women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head one by one until they're bald, Jerry, bald above the eyes." "And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that." "Well, let me tell you something about George." "He is fast." "He can run like the wind." "And he's strong." "I've seen him lift 100 pounds over his head without even knowing it." "You wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook." " He can really do that?" " Come on, let's do it." "I think they'll really get along." " What, are you into this?" " Yeah, come on, it's a good match." "Wait." "They'll be telling us how their dates went." "Are we gonna share that information?" "Naturally." "We're going to tell each other everything?" "Every secret?" "Everything." " What if it worked out?" " Yeah, right" "Out of the question." "Out of the question." " Why?" " No." "I'm not going to do that." "It's one step away from personal ads." "Then prostitutes." "No!" "No!" "I am not going down that road." "What does she look like?" " She's good-looking." " How good-looking?" " Very good-looking." " Really good-looking?" " Really very good-looking." " Would you take her out?" " Yes, I would." " You hesitated." " What hesitate?" "I didn't hesitate." " Something's up." "You hesitated." "I'm telling you, she's good-looking." " What about the body?" " Good body." "Nice body." " How nice?" " Nice." "Pretty nice." " Really good?" " Really very nice and good." " What about personality?" " Good personality." "Funny." "Bright." "I don't want anyone smarter than me." "How could she be smarter than you?" "All right, let's see." "Let's see." "What else?" "What else?" "What does she do?" "First of all, what does he do?" "He was in real estate." "He's not working right now." "Oh!" "He's not working?" "No." "No." "No." "How come he's not working?" "Well, I mean, he got fired." "Why did he get fired?" "Oh, right." "Well..." "He tried to... poison his boss." "Excuse me?" "It's such a long story." "Seriously, he just had some problems at work." " Is he nuts?" " No, no, no." "He's a really, really funny guy." "What does he look like?" " Pardon?" " What does he look like?" "Well, he's got a lot of character in his face." "He's short." "He's stocky." "He's fat." "Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?" "Powerful." "He is so powerful." "He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head." "And, what else?" "What else?" "Oh, right, well..." "He's, he's kind of..." "Just kind of..." "Losing his hair." " He's bald?" " No." "No, no, no." "He's not bald." "He's balding." " So he will be bald?" " Yeah." " What kind of hair?" " You know, long, dark hair." "Flowing?" "Flowing?" "Is it flowing?" "I like flowing, cascading hair." "Thick, lustrous hair is important to me." ""Thick, lustrous hair is important to me."" " Is that what you said?" " Right." "Just clarifying." "Let me ask you this." "If you stick your hand in the hair, is it easy to get it out?" "Do you want to get it out?" "Or do you want to not be able to get it out?" " I'd like to be able to get it out." " I think you'll get it out." "What about the skin?" "I need a good cheek." "I like a good cheek." "She's got a fine cheek." "Is there a pinkish hue?" " A pinkish hue?" " Yes, a rosy glow." "There's a hue." "She's got great eyebrows." "Women kill to have her eyebrows." "Who cares about eyebrows?" "Is she sweet?" "I like sweet." "But not too sweet." "You could throw up from that." "I don't think you'll throw up." "She likes to throw up." " Has he ever been married?" " No." "Has he been close?" "He once spent a weekend with a woman." "He didn't really try to poison his boss." "Yeah, he did." "We had an incredible phone conversation." "We talked for, like, 20 minutes." "I threw away my notes in the middle of the call." "I thought she had a great voice timbre." "Is it "timbre" or "tambre"?" " I think it's tambre." " Why'd I think timbre?" "She could do voice-overs." "You didn't tell me about her voice?" " I didn't notice the voice." " It's mellifluous." "So, Saturday night." "She had to be impressed by that conversation." "It was a great performance." "I am unbelievable on the phone." "On the date, they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant." " Hi." " Hi!" " Out we go Saturday night." " I know." " So, what did she say?" " You're getting together Saturday night." " That's it?" " Yeah." " She didn't mention the conversation?" " No." "See?" "I don't get that." "We had a relaxed, stimulating, great conversation." "She doesn't mention it?" " Why not mention it?" " What?" "She could have mentioned it." "All right." "All right." "I'll go on the date, but that's that." "You know my friend Bob Sacamano?" " The guy from Jersey." " He just got a job at a condom factory." "Look at this." "He gave me a gross." " What will you do with all of them?" " Oh, well..." "Take some, Jerry." "Grab them." "No, thanks." "They look like they came out of a cereal box." "Come on, Elaine, here." "Take half a bag." "Half a bag?" "What am I, a hooker?" "Anyway, they look kind of cheap." "I'll take one." "It's possible." "The problem with the condom is still buying them." "I think we should have, like, a secret signal with the druggist." "You walk into the store, go to the counter." "He looks at you." "And if you go like this:" "He puts them in the bag for you." "That's it." "Show up there with your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste." ""How are you today?"" ""Have a nice day." "You too."" "So where are they?" "It's 11:45." "They should be back by now." " What did they do?" " I think they went out to dinner." "Oh, wait." "I got another call." "That must be him." " Hello." " It's me." "I just got home." "Hold on." " It's George." "He just got home." " Yeah." "I got Cynthia on the line." " I'll call you back when I'm done." " Remember our pact: full disclosure." "Of course." "Yeah, go ahead." "I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia." "We swore we wouldn't tell you and Elaine." " You can tell." "I'll vault it." " It's in the vault?" "I'm locking the vault." "What?" "Come on." " We had sex." " Oh, my God, you had sex?" " How did that happen?" " I don't know." "I closed my eyes and made a move." " At your apartment?" " Yeah." " She didn't stay over?" " No." "She left." "Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine." "Cynthia will kill me." "We made a deal." "Oh, my God." "He was uncomfortable because it was our first time." "So he felt he'd perform better if we did it in the kitchen." " What?" " He says the kitchen is the most sociable room in the house." "And he was serious." " So how was it?" " How good could it be?" "My head was on a hot plate." "I got another call." "Must be Jerry." " Oh, don't you tell him any of this." " Yeah, okay." " Hello?" " So, what did she say?" " What did he have to say?" " He said he had a good time." " Her too." " Oh, good." " Anything else?" " No." " You?" " No." " You sure?" " Yeah." " You?" " Yeah." "All right, well..." "I guess everything is under control." "Yeah." "Okay then." "Alrighty." " Good night." " Good night." "I left three messages." "I can't believe this woman." "We have sex, she leaves 10 minutes later, then I never hear from her again." "What kind of a person does this?" "She used me." "I feel cheap and violated." " I'm gonna do something about this." " What are you gonna do?" "Never mind." "Disgraceful." "Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap." "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am." "Sir." "Whatever." "She's not gonna get away with this." "I keep racking my brain to try to figure out what I did." "I was smart." "I was funny." "I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners." "I'm a man of the people." " I'm gonna call her." " Don't call." " No, I'm calling her." " No, Jerry, I don't want you to." " Get away from me." " Give me the phone." " You wanna fight me?" " Jerry, I'm gonna kill you." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, come on, Jerry, George." "Stop it." "I'll just call her when you leave." "It's none of your business!" " It is so my business." " Give me that!" "Stop it, boys!" "I don't want another word from either of you." " Tell him..." " Hey, hey, hey!" "The next one of you that opens your mouth, you'll have to deal with me." "I bet I know what this is about." "It's about a woman, isn't it?" " Yeah, but..." " You see!" "This is exactly what they want to do to you." "They play one against the other." "You can't let them manipulate you like that." " But, Kramer..." " No, no, no!" "I want you guys to shake hands." "Come on, there are plenty women out there for all of us." "Shake." "Yes!" "You see?" "Isn't that better than fighting?" "Animosity?" "You wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me." "By the way, those condoms I gave you?" "They're defective." "Don't use them." " What?" " Yeah." " Defective?" " Defective." "How could you give me a defective condom?" "I didn't even know they were defective." " Didn't think you'd use them." " What do you mean...?" "!" "Take it easy." "Just spread out!" "Don't worry." "If anything was wrong, she'd have called you." "I missed my period." "Oh, my God!" "I am very worried." "I am never late." "But he used a condom, right?" "I know, but these things aren't always foolproof." "Oh, no." "What?" "Was it blue?" "Yeah." "How'd you know?" "Just a hunch." "It says "twist-off." Twist off!" "Twist!" "Off!" "Oh, hi." "Soda?" "No, thanks." "So tell me." "What's the problem with your little flaky friend?" "She doesn't return calls?" "Who are you to talk about her like that?" "She'll call him when she's good and ready." " You don't even know her." " Oh, I know her." "I know her type." "Her type?" "What type?" "The type that doesn't return calls." "I knew we shouldn't have done it." "It was a bad idea." "I told you." "You told me?" "You pushed this whole thing on me." "It was your idea." "I was just helping your bitter, twisted friend." "She's not bitter." "Bitter's a judgment call." "She's twisted." "Twisted?" "God, I did you a favour!" "You said they had a good time." "What else are you keeping from me?" " Are you calling me a liar?" " I'm calling you one if you are." " Are you?" " Get your finger out of my face." " Get yours out." " I don't care." "Get out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Come on, stop it!" "Come on." "Break it up!" "Hey, hey!" "What's the matter with you?" "Now, don't you two see that you're in love with each other?" "I mean, why can't you face that already?" "You're running around looking for something not even there when everything you dream of is right here in front of you." "Now why can't you admit that?" "By the way, when you see George, give him these." "These'll work." "I knew those condoms were defective!" "How did you know they were defective?" "!" "Because!" "Because she missed her period!" "She missed her period?" "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe it." "I'm a father!" "I did it!" "My boys can swim!" "I can do it!" "I can do it!" "I'm a father!" "So he shows up." "He's all out of breath." "He's dishevelled." "And tells me that whatever happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and I could depend on him and that he'd support me in whatever way I need." "Elaine, I was speechless." "Wow." "Wow." "You see?" "You think you know somebody." "I said to him, " I really appreciate this, but I just got my period."" " Yeah." " So I asked him to come in..." " Hi." " Oh, hi." "Sorry we're late." "We got so hung up in traffic." "I'm sorry." " What happened?" " Acting." " Very mature." " Thank you." " Hi, Cynthia." " Hi." "This is a great place to sit you got here." "Best seat in the house." "Right next to the kitchen." "Oh, stop it." "Stop it." " So, what are these?" " We ordered appetizers." "Start eating." "Oh, fabulous." "This is good." "Oh, this is good." "Is that salt on this?" "Is there salt on this?" "But have you ever fixed anybody up?" "Why do we do it?" "Why?" "You thought they'd have a good time and a little power trip for you, isn't it?" "Now you're playing God." "Of course, God was the first person to fix people up." "He fixed up Adam and Eve." "I'm sure he said to Adam, "No, she's nice." "She's..." "Yes, she's very free about her body." "Doesn't really wear much." "She was going out with a snake." "I think that's over, though."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are everyplace else in the world or do they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want?" ""You hungry?" "Tuna sandwich is $9." "You don't like it, go back to your own country."" "I think the whole airport-airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches." "I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry." "I mean, think about it." "The terminals, the airplanes it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna." "It's all departures." "I see nothing but departures." "Do you know where the arrivals are?" "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "There's a clock over there." " Where?" " Over there." " But you have a watch on." " It's right by the escalator." "Why not just look at your watch?" "I told you, it's right over there." " Let me see the watch." " Hey!" "What are you, some kind of nut?" "You know, we're living in a society!" " George." " Jerry, Jerry." "The flight was delayed." "How long you been here?" "I just got here." "My car broke down on the Belt Parkway." "I can't believe..." "Get rid of that piece of junk." "One mile from the exit, it starts shaking, violently shaking like it's having a nervous breakdown." " Then it completely stopped dead." " So you have no car." " No." " So, what good are you?" "This chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while." " O'Brien's not showing up." " How do you know?" "He was in Chicago." "Flight was overbooked." "They wouldn't let him on." "He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden." " We should take his limo." " Yeah, right." "Wait a second." "Think about it." "He's not showing up." "Wait till you see the line for cabs." "It's 45 minutes long." " You said he's in Chicago." " He's definitely in Chicago." "Well, that guy is just standing there." " How would we do it?" " Just go up and say, "We're O'Brien."" " Maybe he knows O'Brien." " He doesn't know him." "If he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign." " Let's just do it." " What if we get caught?" "What's gonna happen?" "They can't kill us." " Who's gonna be O'Brien?" " I'll be O'Brien." " Who am I?" " You're you." " Just me?" " Yeah." " Okay." " You don't wanna be you?" "Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?" " Like who?" " Dylan Murphy." "Okay." " Now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?" " Well, I like Dylan." "You could be Colin." "Okay." "Colin O'Brien." " I'm Dylan Murphy." " I'm Colin O'Brien." " Are we really doing this?" " Come on." " Hey, do you have the time?" " Clock over there." " O'Brien." " Yes, sir." "Sorry we're late." " Let me take that for you." " Oh, thank you." " I'll bring the car around front." " Thank you very much." " Dylan." " Colin." "Can you believe this?" "This is incredible." "This is one of the greatest things I've ever done." " I'm gonna call my mother." " What for?" "To tell her I'm in a limo." "Hello, Ma?" "It's me." "Guess where I am." "In the back of a limo." "No, nobody died." "It's a long story." "I can't tell you now." "Because I can't." "I said, I can't." "If I could, I would." "Would you stop it?" "All right, look..." "I'm getting off." "No, I'm not telling you." "How's this?" "I'm never telling you." "I don't care." "No!" "Fine!" "Never!" "She happy for you?" " Can he hear us?" " No." "Why?" "Thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously." "He can't hear us." "Let's test him." "Hey, driver." "What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister have a little fun back here?" "No." "He can't hear us." "Where's he dropping us?" "Maybe we can get him to drop us at my house." "I'll ask him." "My dear fellow, where are you dropping us?" "At Madison Square Garden, of course." "I have the four passes." "Of course, the four passes." "Four passes to Madison Square Garden?" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Of course." "Chicago!" "The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!" " What?" " We are going to the Knick game!" " Michael Jordan!" " The Knicks!" "We're going to the game!" "Four free passes!" " Did I tell you?" "Did I tell you?" " I can't believe it!" " You may have hit with this one." " You see?" "You see, I see things as they are and I say, "No."" "Wait." "You see things as they are not and you say..." "Wait." "You see thing..." "Do you see things as they are?" "What do you say when you see things?" "Let me call Elaine and Kramer." "If I see things as they are, I would ask, "Why?" or "Why not?"" "Elaine?" "It's me." "What are you doing tonight?" "Great." "George and I have tickets..." "Four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game at Madison Square Garden." "Can you go?" "Great." "Call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at 7:00." "All right." "We're gonna pick you up in a limo." "That's right, baby doll." "And listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien." "I can't tell you now." "It's a long story." "I am serious." "Okay." "Okay, bye." "Excuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first." "I know." " He knows?" " He knows?" "Where we going?" "Why are we pulling off here?" "Maybe it's a shortcut." "We're on the Grand Central." "There's no traffic." "Excuse me, why are we getting off this exit?" "To pick up the other members of your party." "Right." "The other members of our party." "What other members of our party?" "I didn't even know we were in a party." "I'm telling you, the jig is up." "It was a bad jig." "We never should've started it." " It was a good jig." " It was a bad jig." "A terrible, terrible jig." "What are we gonna do now?" "They'll know you're not O'Brien." "There could be more than one O'Brien who ordered a limo." " First, you don't look like any O'Brien." " You should've been O'Brien." "I don't wanna be Murphy anymore." "Do I have to be?" " Yes, you have to be Murphy." " It makes no sense, me being Murphy." " You're Murphy." " I'm Seinfeld." "You're Murphy!" "Let's just jump out of the car." "We're doing 60 miles an hour." "So we jump and roll." "You won't get hurt." "Who are you, Mannix?" "Why are we slowing down?" "Are those the people?" "All right, put your hands up over your face." "Pretend you're sleeping." " Mr. O'Brien." " No, I'm Dylan Murphy." "Mr. O'Brien had a long trip." "He's sleeping." "I don't wanna disturb him." "We're just really excited to meet him face-to-face finally." "We're faithful readers of his newsletter." " Newsletter?" " And, of course, his great book The Big Game." "Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in The Big Game." " So you've never met him before?" " No." " Never seen a picture of him?" " Never." "Not even on the book jacket?" "There was no picture on the book jacket." "Hey, O'Brien, wake up." "Come on." "We got company." "Wake up." "Well, hello." "I'm O'Brien." " Hey!" " Hey." "You took a cab?" "Yeah." "So?" "How much do you make?" " I'm not telling you." " Come on." " No." " I'll tell you how much I make." "I know how much you make." "I don't even know why I'm doing this." "I don't even like basketball." " You ever seen Michael Jordan?" " Just in those commercials." "Maybe you'll see him do one of those 360 dunks." " What's that?" " It's like this." " Here, you guard me." " What?" "I never get the tinted windows on the limo." "Nobody cares who's in the limo." "You see a limo go by, you know it's either a rich guy or 50 prom kids with $1.75 each." "Being in the back of a limo, I'm sorry, it's just..." "It's not that cool." "Most of the time, you feel like you're in some depressing single guy's apartment from, like, 1975." "All that maroon velour furniture couple of bottles of wine, three cassette tapes." "There's stains." "You're counting, there must've been 10,000 asses already on this seat." " I don't think we'll make the tip-off." " Think someone's been tipped off?" "So..." "You've read The Big Game, have you?" "Yes, I've read it." "And I've memorized it." "Well, tell me your impressions." "I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of The Big Game." "Well, this is sort of embarrassing." "But it's changed my life." "The way you analyse the game the way you identify the major players..." "Well, it left me breathless." "You're a brilliant brilliant man." "Well, it's..." "It's just a game." "Remember that, kids." ""Just a game." He's so humble." "Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue:" ""The fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game."" "Well, I was exaggerating a bit." "Just for effect." " He tends to exaggerate." " I mean, it's serious, but..." "We are really looking forward to your speech tonight." "My speech." "Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy." "Would you like to look it over?" "Well, you might as well look it over." "So, what's going on?" "How did all this happen?" "Jerry and George called me from this limo." "They said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game." "Limo?" "I thought that George went to pick him up." "He did." "Then why would they take a limo from the airport?" "I don't know." "That's pretty strange." "Did he say anything else?" "Yeah." "He said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy." "O'Brien?" "Why would he wanna be called O'Brien?" ""And the Jews steal our money through their Zionist-occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities."" "You're not gonna open with that, are you?" "What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?" "Said so many things." "They're shooting!" "They're shooting!" "All right, get down." "I'm ready to die for you." "Oh, that's really very nice of you, Eva, thank you." "But of course, you know, I would." "I would do anything for you." "Anything." "Nothing to worry about, it was a flat tire." "But rest assured we're prepared to handle anything that might come up." "Nice-looking Luger." "I'm at The Paramount, adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of angry demonstrators gather to protest the first public appearance of Donald O'Brien leader of the Midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman." "Mr. O'Brien advocates the violent overthrow of the government." "He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler." "Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist." "There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport." "Sources tell me he is en route and should be arriving momentarily." "Police have set up barricades, but, quite frankly, Bill I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit." "From The Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville." "Back to you in the studio." "Something's very strange here." "George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry." "They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy." "O'Brien." "O'Brien." "Why O'Brien?" "Elaine?" " Dan." " Excuse me a minute." "Hey." " Hi, Dan." "How are you?" " Good." " Oh, this is Kramer." " Oh, Kramer." "What's going on?" "We're headed down to protest this big neo-Nazi rally." "The head of the Aryan Union is speaking." "He's in from Chicago." " You should come." " Oh, we can't." "We're going to the Knicks-Bulls game." "Oh, well, that's where the rally is." "At The Paramount, right next door." " Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you." " Yeah, it's really gonna be something." "First time he's appeared in public." "No one knows what he looks like." " Who?" " The head of the Aryan Union." "O'Brien." "What's taking them so long out there?" "Did you see the way she was looking at me?" " She's a Nazi, George." "A Nazi." " I know, I know." "Kind of a cute Nazi, though." "We gotta make a plan." " What are we gonna do?" " I don't know." " Let's just make a run for it." " I can't run." "I have a bad hamstring." " How'd that happen?" " I hurt it in a hotel room." "Know how they tuck the covers in real tight in those rooms?" "I can't sleep like that." "I tried to kick it out and pulled it." "Why do they make that bed so tight?" "You gotta sleep with your feet like that:" "It's for a mental patient." "Wait a minute, the phone." "We'll call the police." "911." "She said she'd do anything." "Yeah, hello." "Police?" "Yeah, listen we're in the back of a limo in Queens..." "AstroTurf?" "You know who's responsible for that, don't you?" "The Jews!" "Oh, the Jews hate grass." "They always have, always will." "We'll be ready in a minute." "Would you excuse us a minute, Tim Boy?" "We're in the middle of something here." "With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave." "Tim?" "Who's the head of the Aryan Union?" " You or me?" " You are." "And who is responsible for making hatemongering and fascism popular again?" " You are." "Okay?" "I think you forgot something." " I'm sorry." " Good." "Now get out." " All right, what are we gonna do?" " I don't know." "How's this: we wait till we get to your street corner we see Elaine and Kramer, then we get out." " They can't shoot us in the city." " No." "No one's ever been shot in the city." "I'm telling you, something is going on." "I can feel it, sense it." " I'm sure he was just joking around." " Oh, no, this is no joke." "O'Brien's coming in from Chicago." "Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien." "That's not funny." "Oh, my God." "Yes." "Yes!" "What?" "What is it?" "Don't you see?" "There's always been something very strange about Jerry." "Always so clean and organized." " So?" " Do I have to spell it out for you?" "The limo?" "The name?" "The rally at Madison Square Garden?" "Jerry and O'Brien are the same person." "Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union." "Jerry's a Nazi?" "I can't even believe I didn't see it." "Listen, you idiot, just calm down." "I know Jerry." "He's not a Nazi." " You don't think so?" " No." "He's just neat." "You know, it's funny." "You don't look like an O'Brien." "Me?" "Yeah, right." "Get a load of this guy." " And you don't look like a Murphy." " I may not look like one but I act like a Murphy." " He's extremely Murphy." "To a fault." "Where are you from?" "Dublin." "Originally." "Parents came over here when I was 18." "Cereal famine." "Couldn't get a bowl anywhere." "It was bad." "'Tis a beautiful country, though." "Lush rolling hills." "And the peat." "The peat." "Sounds more like Scottish." "We were right on the border." "Maybe he's with the company." " What?" " The CIA." "Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within." " What about his comedy act?" " That's the perfect cover." "All that time on the road." "Look, Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian." "These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people." " Well, what about George?" " What about him?" "He's part of it." "His whole personality's a disguise." "There's no real person can act the way he does." "Elaine, I'm telling you, they're with the organization." "They're all part of it." "He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd." "George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy." "I bet they were even in on it." "All right, what are we gonna do?" "What...?" "I'm not gonna let them hurt you." "I'm not gonna..." "Kramer, you're hurting me." "Those are our friends I told you about." " Get off of me!" " We're gonna talk to them." "Pull over." " Get off of me!" " It's all right." " Get off!" " Hey, O'Brien!" " O'Brien!" " Is that him?" " Yeah, that's him!" " Look, there's O'Brien!" "No-good Nazi bastard!" " Let's get him!" " Get him!" " What do we do?" " Get in the car!" " Get in the car!" " What?" "What?" "Come on, hey!" "O'Brien." "Long time, no see." "How's tricks, Murphy?" "Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?" "No, he was talking to me." "He's cross-eyed." "It could be very confusing." "Yeah?" " Eva?" " It's for me." "Hello?" "It's O'Brien." "O'Brien?" "Well, that's weird." "Who are you?" " I'm Jerry Seinfeld." " I'm George Costanza." "This is a misunderstanding." "His car broke down." "I told him to get..." "My car started shaking violently about a mile out." " So he picks me up without a car." " And there was a line..." "The limo has just pulled up." "It's being surrounded by a huge crowd of protesters." "This has the makings of a very ugly scene." "I just didn't have anything to do tonight." "Then the phone rang and it was Jerry." "We just wanted a ride into the city." "He was supposed to pick me up, but he didn't pick me up." "And tonight we were gonna go to the basketball game..." "They're banging on the car, trying to flip it over." "The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd." "I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first appearance." "We did not want to antagonize the Nazis." "We have no intention of upsetting the Nazis." " I don't have a problem with Nazis." " Do whatever you want." " Don't bother us, we won't bother you." " I don't wanna make a Nazi unhappy." " I swear." "I swear." " I swear." " I swear." " I swear." " Get out!" " Open the door." "Oh, look!" "Look, it's Dan." " Hi, Dan!" " Elaine?" " Hi!" "Dan!" " Come on, let's go." "Go." "I am not O'Brien!" "I am not O'Brien!" "I repeat, I am not O'Brien!" "Ask anyone." "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "So I was watching this movie the other night, a World War II movie." "And there was Nazis in the movie." "And I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had, like, two separate Heils." "They had the regular Heil that they would do and when they were around the offices, they had this casual Heil." "Remember that?" "They'd come in the office:" ""Yeah, Heil, how are you?" "What's...?" "Is the kid back with coffee?" "Come on, are you finished with the copier?" "Yeah, world domination, Aryan race." "So whose doughnuts are those?" "Yeah, Heil." "Nice to see you." "Can I have one of those doughnuts?"" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "The concept behind the car phone speakerphone, airline phone, portable phone pay phone, cordless phone, multiline phone the phone pager, the call waiting call forwarding, conferencing, speed dialling, direct dialling and redialling is that we all have absolutely nothing to say and we've got to talk to someone about it right now." "Cannot wait another second." "You're at home, you're on the phone." "You're in the car making calls." "You get to work, "Any messages for me?"" "You gotta give people a chance to miss you a little!" "It's bad enough you have a car phone." "You have to use the speak er?" "It's safer." "Plus, it's more annoying to the other person." " Oh, look at this guy." " What's going on?" "A guy's trying to get in front of me, has to ask permission." "Yes." "Go ahead." "Get in, get in." " Did you get a thank-you wave?" " No, nothing." "How could you not give a thank-you wave?" "Hey, buddy, where's my thank-you wave?" "Give me that wave!" " Hey, Jerry, are you free on Friday?" " Yeah, I'm free." "Why?" "Oh, God." "I bumped into Robin Sandusky today." "She asked me to have dinner with her and her husband." "Oh, my God." "You won't believe what I saw." "A car just bashed into a parked car and sped off, right on my block." " You've got to follow that car." " What?" " You can't let him get away with that." " The guy could be dangerous." " What are you, yellow?" " I'm not yellow." "Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yellow." " Wait." "He stopped." "He's parking." " What?" "What?" "I can't hear you." "Jerry?" "Excuse me." "I was driving behind you, you know a few blocks back, and I..." "I couldn't help..." "Maybe you didn't realize I... I..." "I witnessed that your..." "Your left rear tire's a little low." "That can affect the performance of the twin l-beam suspension not to mention, you know, your rack-and-pinion steering." "So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her." "Boy, what a story." "I'm speechless, speechless." "I have no speech." "You know, I really liked her." "We talked, we flirted." "And when she laughed, she'd reach out and touch my arm." "Love when they touch your arm." "I can't get enough of that." " Me either." " Why is that?" "Let's not even analyse it." " So you didn't turn her in." " I couldn't go though with it." " You gonna see her again?" " Friday night." " Yeah." " It's me." "Come on up." "By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything." "Hey, hey, hey." "I dig." " Oh, you dig?" " Yes." " I see enormous potential here." " Why?" "Because great couples always have a great story about how they met." "That's why I've never been in a long-term relationship." "I never had a good meeting story." "I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all." "I don't think so." "Look, she slammed into a parked car." "She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger and then she sped off like a criminal." "On the other hand should she never be allowed to date again?" "Scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?" "What am I drinking, milk?" " Hey." " Hi." " Sweater." " Thank you." "So?" "What happened?" " With what?" " With the car." "What car?" "The hit-and-run." "Oh, right, right, right." "Well actually, the guy went into Queens." "Queens?" " You followed him over the bridge?" " Over the bridge." "Oh, I..." "I didn't know you went into Queens, Jerry." "Yeah, Queens." "So?" "Then what?" "He gets out of the car." "I said, "Hey, buddy, I saw you hit that car."" "So he says to me:" ""What are you gonna do about it?"" "So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary."" "I am speechless." "I am without speech." "Tell her about the shoving." "What?" "What shoving?" " Oh, it was nothing." " No." "Tell her." "Come on." "Tell me." "Well, he kind of lost his temper and he was pushing me up against the car so I went into a karate stance." " You know karate?" " I know a little." "Well, I..." "This is so amazing to me." "Jerry, what did he do?" "He backed off." "He was pretty pathetic, actually." "Hey." " Did you tell Kramer?" " No." "What, what?" "Tell me." "Jerry saw this guy smash into a car, and he followed him." "Good for you." "What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that?" "You know, those people, you know they're mentally disturbed." "They should be sent to Australia." " Australia?" " That's where England used to send their convicts." " But not anymore." " No." "Hey, Kramer?" "Kramer." " What happened to you right here?" " I don't know." "You know, I was watching Entertainment Tonight and suddenly, you know, I got dizzy and the next thing I know, I hit my head on the coffee table." " Well, that is..." "That is strange." " Yeah, it's..." "All right." "Oh, Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right?" "Oh, Friday." "No, I can't." "I'm sorry." "I have a date." " But last night you said you were free." " We just met." "You know, maybe it was a reaction to the sardines." "I..." "I can't go alone." "Ask George to go with you." "George, come on." "I'll pay for you." "You'll pay?" "I'm there." " Why do you need anybody?" " Because I hate being at a table alone with a married couple talking about their married friends and their married furniture." "They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better." "You know, I have a very exciting life." "It's very exciting." "You went out with a bullfighter?" "Yeah, yeah." "Well, an ex-bullfighter now." " Wow." " What was his name?" "His name?" "His name was..." "Was Eduardo Caroccio." "Pass the salt, please." "Where did you meet him?" "Actually, I met him in Switzerland and he was fighting..." "Is that the word they use, "fighting"?" "They don't really fight the bull." "They avoid fighting the bull." "Bread." "Oh, I just love meeting new people, you know?" "That's how you really do learn about life." " God bless you." " Thank you." "I wasn't gonna say anything, but I saw he wasn't gonna open his mouth." "You know who's a good actor?" "Anthony Quinn." "Oh, Anthony Quinn." "Fine actor." "But from what I understand, not a very good driver." "Hits everything on the road, but always leaves a note." "Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?" "Excellent film." "In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car." "Come here." "Really, I was only kidding around." "He was only joking, Michael." "You think you're special because you say, "God bless you"?" "I don't think I'm special." "My mother always said I'm not special." "He was only joking, Michael." " I'm sorry." " Oh, right." " Take his side!" " I'm not taking his side." " Well, whose side are you taking?" " Well, I'm not taking your side!" "Kirk Douglas." "Now, there's another very bad driver." "But he's such an unbelievable guy when he hits someone, he doesn't leave a note." "He sits in his car and waits for the other person so he can exchange license, registration and apologize." "I said, "God bless you." Was that so wrong?" "The question is did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his "God bless you"?" "Because as the husband, he has the right of first refusal." " Yeah." " It's me." " Come on up." " Yes." "Yes." "I definitely waited." "But let me say this." "Once he passes on that option that "God bless you" is up for grabs." "No argument, unless she's one of these multiple sneezers and he's holding his "God bless you" in abeyance until she completes the series." "I don't think she is a multiple sneezer because she sneezed again later and it was also a single." "What if she's having an off night?" " Hi." " Hi." "Well." "If it isn't Mr. Gesundheit." "Oh, yeah." "Like there's something wrong with saying, "God bless you."" "I was raised to say, "God bless you."" "Shut up." "What does it mean anyway, "God bless you"?" "It's a stupid "stuperstition."" "A stupid what?" "Whatever." "You wanna make a person feel better, you shouldn't say, "God bless you."" "You should say, "You're so good-looking."" "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's better than "God bless you."" "Anyway, she left a message on my machine." "She wants you to call her." " Who?" " Robin." "Why?" "Well, I assume she called to apologize." "That's why she called me." "Entertainment Tonight is on." " Where's the phone?" " Bedroom." "Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?" "Georgia peach Marla Maples reportedly threw yet another stiletto heel at..." "What's it like out?" "It's chilly out." "Should I take a sweater?" "Yeah." "You could take a sweater if you want." "A scarf?" "No." "Hey, shut this off." "Shut it off." " What's the matter?" "What's going on?" " What happened?" " What?" " I think I hit my head again." " What is wrong?" " Hey, hey, wait a minute." "Let me ask you something, Kramer." "The last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?" " Yeah." " That is it!" " What?" " That is it!" "Mary Hart's voice!" "Don't you see?" "There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures." "Just like..." "Just like..." "Just like that woman in Albany!" "Mary Hart!" " Oh, my God." " What?" "Well, she apologized, and she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon." " Get together?" " Maybe she just wants to talk to me." "Married women don't get together." "They have affairs." "Oh, my God, an affair." "It's so adult." "It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden and..." "On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money." "Are you actually considering this?" "I can't have an affair with a married woman." "That's despicable!" "It's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note." "Yeah." "Hey, you know who owns that car?" " What car?" " The one that was hit the other night." " Yeah, who?" " That blond across the street." "The one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants." "The blond with the blue sweatpants." "Yeah, I think I've seen her." "Well, I gotta get going." "I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants." "Wait, wait, wait." "How do you know it's not John Tesh?" " The blond with the blue sweatpants!" " Who is she?" "I had a crush on her for a year!" "I've been afraid to approach her." "She belongs on one of these Hallmark cards." "Oh, right!" "Right!" "The blue sweatpants!" "It's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela." "Yeah." "Too bad." "Angela." "Lousy thug." "What kind of sick person does something like that?" "The woman belongs in prison!" "I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this!" "I can't sit by and allow this to go on!" " It's a moral issue, is what it is." " Can't compromise your principles." " How can I live?" " Can't live." "I'm not religious, but I know where to draw the line." "This country needs more people like you." "Don't sell yourself short, saying, "God bless you" to every Tom, Dick and Harry, at great personal risk." " I believe strongly in that." "You know." " There should be more people like us." "That's why the world's in the shape that it's in." "You're telling me." "I just want you to know I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made responsible or something very close to that." "Well, God bless you." "Thank you very much." "Oh, my God." "I must be crazy." "What have I done?" " Oh, no." "What's wrong?" " What's wrong?" "I'll tell you what's wrong." "I just committed adultery." "You didn't commit adultery." "I did." "Oh, yeah." "If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else." "Well, I wouldn't want you to do that." "There's a lot of losers out there." "Maybe even someone who didn't say, "God bless you."" "Well, that's a given." "In three years with Michael, not one "God bless you."" "Must be hell living in that house." " Hi, it's Michael." " Hi, Michael." " Is Robin there?" " Robin?" "No, why?" "She said she was gonna be with you." "No, I haven't spoken to her all da..." "Yeah, right." "As a..." "As a matter of fact..." "She..." "She was here and she..." "She left a note but I..." "I wasn't here, but I..." "I have the note right here." "If she's not with you, where is she?" "Well, I..." "I don't know." "Is she with your bald friend from the other night?" "No." "No." "Come on, Michael." "He's finished." "I'm gonna sew his ass to his face!" "I'm gonna twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows!" "I'm gonna break his joints and reattach them!" "You're so good-looking." "Now, you listen to me, suck-face!" "You tell anybody anything and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue." " Let me rephrase..." " I'll bash your skull in like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head!" " Elaine." "This is Angela." " I'll pluck your body hairs out with my teeth!" "Well, I think I get the gist of it." "So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car." "What car?" "Good." " I'm glad we understand each other." " It's not complicated." "Very nice meeting you." "Come on up." "Well, well, Mr. Seinfeld that must have been so frightening when you confronted that guy in Queens." "Now, let me just see if I've got the scenario right." " All right, Elaine." " No, no, no because I'm picturing..." "What?" "What?" "French Connection kind of thing." "You know, sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city." " It was just a couple of blocks." " Oh, no, no." "Come on." "Don't be so modest." " Hey." " Oh." "Did you check your machine?" "No." "Why?" "What's happened?" "Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was." " Yeah, okay." " And I said I hadn't seen her." " What?" " No, George, you don't understand." "She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse." "Okay?" "But then I realized what was going on and I said that she left a note." "But he didn't really buy that." "And then..." "And then he did mention your name." "He mentioned my name?" "What did he say?" "He said he was gonna sew your ass to your face." "What?" " Why couldn't you think of something?" " I don't know!" "He caught me off guard!" "You lie!" "How hard is it to lie!" "It's not that hard." "Well, who told you to sleep with her, George?" "Not my fault." "I wasn't gonna do anything until you got her juiced up with your story about the affair with the matador!" "None of this would have happened if you hadn't said, "God bless you"!" " Don't start." " Hold it, hold it, hold it, people." " Matador?" " Oh, God." "What matador?" "She told them she had an affair with a matador." "A matador." "Well, well." "Pray tell, what was the young man's name?" "Eduardo Caroccio." "Eduardo Caroccio." "That's good." "That's very good." "Kind of just rolls off the tongue." "Where on the Upper West Side might a single girl meet a matador?" " Perhaps, Zabar's." " No." "Or Ray's Pizza." "This person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage." "I already got an estimate." "It's $875." "$875?" "That's right." "Well, I'll tell you what." "I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back." "Who do I make it out to?" "Becky Gelke." "G-E-L-K-E." "So, what are you doing this weekend?" "You have got some nerve." "You smash up my car, you don't admit it and now you want to ask me out?" " I didn't do it!" " Yeah, right." "You are so good-looking." "Thank you." "Jerry, let's go." "You ready?" "You really want to do this?" "I'm on the road for three weeks." "Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me." "I'm not staying in the city." " All right." " Come on, let's get out of here." "How could you?" " What?" " I never thought you were capable." " What did I do?" " I talked to Becky Gelke outside." "She told me you hit and ran." "I don't even want to look at you anymore!" "All these years of friendship, and you're..." "You're nothing but a felon!" "You're an embarrassment to the building." "I didn't do it." "I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else." " You're not gonna lie to me, are you?" " No." "Never." "All right." "I'm glad we got that straightened out because I got a date with her." "You got a date with Becky Gelke?" " I'm going out with her Saturday." " Can we get out of here?" "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had an excuse to talk to her." "Well, I'm happy to help in any way that I can." "Liz Taylor..." "A man is paralysed, mentally, by a beautiful woman." "Advertisers really take advantage of this." "Don't you love ads where you see the woman in the bikini next to the 32-piece ratchet set, you know, and she's...?" "We'll be looking at the girl looking at the ratchet set going, "All right, if she's next to the ratchet set and I had that ratchet set I wonder if that would mean that..." "I better just buy that ratchet set."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Do you think that the security guards in art museums really ever stop anybody from taking the paintings?" "I mean, are they going, " Hey, where do you think you're going with that?" "Come over here." "Give me that Cézanne."" "I mean, look at the job that this man is hired to do." "He's getting $5 an hour to protect millions of dollars of priceless art, with what?" "He's got a light mocha brown uniform and a USA Today." "This is what he's got." "Crooks must look at this guy and go, "We get past the folding chair and the thermos of coffee, we can get a Rembrandt."" "Kramer, would you hold still?" "I can't do this if you keep moving." "You sure you don't want me to take my clothes off?" "Because I'll do it." "No, that's the last thing in the world I want you to do." "Well, why don't you take your clothes off?" "I don't know, I don't think Jerry would like that." "Well, it'll be our little secret." "God!" "Button fly!" "Why do they put buttons on a fly?" "It takes 10 minutes to get these things open." "I like the button fly." " What?" " That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp, interlocking metal teeth." "It's like a mink trap down there." "I'm gonna develop kidney problems." " What are you doing today?" " Nothing." "I have to go meet Nina." "Want to come up to her loft, check out her paintings?" " I don't get art." " There's nothing to get." "It always has to be explained to me and then I have to have someone explain the explanation." "She does abstract stuff." "In fact, she's painting Kramer right now." " What for?" " She sees something in him." "So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall." "Are you getting the eyes?" "Because they're brown." "Really, they're dark brown, like rich Colombian coffee." "Tell me about Elaine." "You know, she and Jerry were a big thing like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd." " But they're still friends." " Yeah, yeah." "They're like this:" " Don't you think that's strange?" " Why?" "What's the difference?" "Are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends?" "Well, you know, I..." "I have many relationships." " I tell you, I'm a little nervous." " Why?" "You know, the friend meeting the new woman." "I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship." "I don't know how long this is gonna last." "Really?" "I thought you liked her." "I do, but she's got, like, a jealousy thing." "She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her." "You know, it's a miracle you're not married." "Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I?" " Hi, Nina." " Hi." " This is my friend George." " Hello." "Nice to meet you." "I've heard a lot about you." "Hey, look at this guy!" "I brought George up to see some of your paintings." "Oh, are you interested?" "Yeah, sure." "Sure, I'm interested." "George, you gonna buy a painting?" "Yeah, sure." " Are you an art lover?" " I am an art adorer." "I adore art." "Great." "Take a look around." "Pick something out you like." "May I?" "Get out of here." "Here." "Play with this." " What's this?" " My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday afternoon." "Owner's box, first row, behind the dugout." "Saturday!" "I'm working." "I'm going out of town." "Well, I won't go without you." "You guys want them?" "Yeah." "They're right behind the dugout, George." "First row." "Behind the dugout?" "Are you kid...?" "How did you get them?" "My father's the Yankees' accountant." "It's the owner's box." "All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout." "You like that one?" "Look at where we are!" "He's not stopping." "He keeps going and going and going." "We're not in the first row?" " No, no." "These are your seats." " She said first row behind the dugout." "It's the second row." "It's just as good." "I was primed for the first row." "I was gonna put my feet on the dugout." "Shut up." "These are great." "You can't get any better than this." "There's better." "Right there." "That's better." "All right." "Oh, boy." " All right." "Who wants a dog?" " Yeah." "Here you go." "What a great day." "I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now." "That what you were supposed to do?" "Yeah." "What makes him think anyone wants to witness a circumcision?" "I'd rather go to a hanging." "Is it that unattractive to have to take it off?" "Have you ever seen one with it?" "No." "You wouldn't even know what it was." "Anyway, I called him back." "I told him I had to visit my father in the hospital in Maryland." "You better catch it here, Charlie, because this ain't Philadelphia!" " George?" " Yeah?" "Hi." "I'm Leonard West." " Nina's father." " Hi, hi, Mr. West." "I'm sorry." " This is my friend Elaine." " Hi." "Hey, .230 ain't gonna cut it in this town, babe!" "This is Kramer." "Hey, how you doing?" "Yes!" "Yes!" " How are the seats?" " Okay." " Great." "They're great." " I hear you bought one of Nina's paintings." " It's being framed now." "I don't even know what it costs." "Not too expensive, is it?" "Not if you have a lot of money." "It was cheaper for me when she was an actress." "Well..." " Enjoy the game." " Thanks." "I think you better take off the Orioles cap." "Yeah." "I better." "No, no." "Seriously." "You're in the owner's box." "I don't think it's a good idea." " You're not serious." " Yes, yes, yes, I am." " Did he say that?" " No, but he gave me the seats." "I don't think he'd like you wearing an Orioles cap." " Maybe you should ask him." " I don't have to." "Are you gonna take the hat off or not?" "No." "I'm not gonna take it off." "Why should I?" "That's ridiculous." "Just take the cap off." "George, I am at a baseball game." " This is America." " Look!" "Either you take the cap off or you leave." "I'm not taking it off." " Elaine, just take the cap off." " No!" "Get off of my hat!" " What's...?" " What do you mean?" "!" " Stop it!" " Just take it off!" " There's your cap!" " Let's go." "Oh, my God." "All right, get your hands off of me!" " I'm leaving." " Wait a minute." "We just got here." "Do you want us to go with you?" " No, you stay." " Get your cap, George." " Well, I was just thinking..." " Yeah." "Stay!" "All right, all right, we'll go, we'll go." "And then the ball hits him in the head, and he falls right over the railing." " Is he okay?" " Well, yeah, he's fine." "We took him to the emergency room." "The x-rays were all negative." "It was quite a day." "This is the most amazing story I've ever heard." "Why did he want you to take off the baseball cap?" " That is so insane." " I know." "Can you imagine that?" " How you feeling?" " Oh, yeah." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Hi, Carol." "Hey, look." "We made the paper." "Look at this." "Page two, sports section." "We're all in the picture." " Picture?" " Picture." " Our picture's in there?" "What?" " Yeah." "I cannot believe this." " There's George." " Look at him." "Oh, my God!" "Lippman could see this!" "He thinks I was visiting my father." "Oh, my God!" "I make up one little white lie, and they put my picture in the paper!" "Hi, Mr. Lippman." "How's your father?" "My..." "My father." "Yeah." "You went to see him, right?" "Yeah." " I went to visit him." " So what was wrong with him?" " Well, you name it." "You know..." "Neuritis, neuralgia." "But he's feeling better now, right?" "Yes." "Yeah." "It's such a miracle." "You know, my visit must have buoyed his spirits." "Buoyed." " What did I say?" " You said "boy'd."" " I did?" " Yeah." "Well, I got a plane to catch." " Where are you going?" " Going to Houston for a few days." "Publishers' convention." "Can I have my sports section?" " Oh, yeah." " Sports section." "I'm saving it for the plane." "I never miss the Sunday sports section." "There's nothing to read." "It's yesterday's news." "The Yankees won, the Mets lost, Rickey Henderson's unhappy." "Right." "Right." "What are you doing?" "That is the third time today I have done that." "I keep, you know, grabbing newspapers and just tugging at them." "Well, I gotta go." "Okay." "Yes, well, you know, have a nice trip." "Alrighty." "I'll just hold down the fort." "I sense great vulnerability a man-child crying out for love an innocent orphan in the postmodern world." "I see a parasite." "A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges." "She was a guest of my father's." " She should've taken the cap off." " It's preposterous to ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game." "How can you defend that?" "His struggle is man's struggle." "He lifts my spirit." "He is a loathsome, offensive brute." "Yet I can't look away." "Look, I'm tired of all this fighting." "Maybe we should end this before we really start hating each other." "You wouldn't want that, because you always have to remain friends." "I like to remain friends with people I was friends with." "Hey, why don't you just go then?" "And give this to George." "Tell him he owes me $500." "He transcends time and space." "He sickens me." "I love it." "Me too." "Five hundred dollars?" " What?" " That's what she told me." "I'm not paying $500 for this!" "It's a piece of junk!" " That's what it costs." " Why did you take it?" " You broke up with her." " I wasn't thinking." "I don't know." "You weren't thinking." "I mean, she framed it and everything." "I'm not buying this." "No way." "Forget it." "No way I'm buying this." "I mean, look at it!" "What is it?" "It's a bunch of squiggly lines." "Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?" "You want me to paint you something?" "I'd love to paint you something." "I'm not paying for this." "If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story." "This was in front of your door." " Hey, Kramer." " Hi, Mike." "Wow, a letter from Nina!" "Man, that is the ugliest thing I've ever seen." " Oh, my God." " What?" "This is amazing." "You can't believe this." "Listen to this. " I don't know what you expect to find, Jerry." "You know what you want better than me, but there's one thing I do know." "I can stand here watching you try to destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life wanting to smash your face with my fists because you won't even make the slightest effort to opt for happiness and still know I love you." "You mean so much to me, I'm willing to take your abuse insults and insensitivity."" " Wow." " She's deep." ""Because that's what you need to do to prove I'm not gonna leave you." "I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships." "You want me, then fight for me, beca..." "Because I'm sure as hell fighting for you." "I think we're both worth it."" "You know, Jerry, she sounds like a poet." "Boy, no one's ever written me a letter like this." "Maybe I was wrong about her." "Get in there and give her a call." "Pick up the phone and call her." " Should I?" " Yes, you're damn right you should!" "Fight for her, Jerry!" "She's sure the hell fighting for you!" "All right!" "I'll call her." "Don't go in there." "You're gonna get shot." "I told you." " Yeah." " It's George." "Come on up." "Well, now we gotta get a posse together." "I love a good posse." "What's the appeal of the posse?" "The appeal of the posse?" "Posse has tremendous appeal." "Get away from the job, you camp out, you're with friends." "Come on, it's a week-long game of hide and go seek on horseback." "Hello, George." "Hey." "Hey, Nina." "I owe you some money, don't I?" " Well, I really love that piece." " Me too." "Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy." "You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and you know, I feel like I'm stealing from you." "Five hundred dollars!" "This is gonna be worth thousands soon." "You know what?" "On second thought, I can't even accept this." "No, no, no." "George, a deal's a deal." "I want you to have it." "This could be in a museum someday." "It's not safe with me." "It should really be in a doorman building." "Honestly, George, the money's not important." "Who said anything about money?" " Yeah." " It's Elaine." "Come on up." " Elaine?" " Yeah." "She does not believe in telephones, does she?" "She likes the pop-in." "I've told her how I hate the pop-in." "He likes the pop-in too." "Just popped in now." "I'm a big pop-in guy." " He is." " What about Kramer?" "Huge pop-in guy." "Well, I was leaving anyway." "So we're on for tomorrow?" " Yeah." " Okay." "Bye." "Hello." "Chatty gal." "Lippman's coming back tomorrow." "I'll be fired." "If he noticed it, he would have called you." "No." "He wants to torture me." "Will you give me the clicker?" "I hate it when you have the clicker." "You're too fast." "Get out!" "I'm a great clicker." "I have great instincts." "How dare you impugn my clicking." "You're all over the dial." "You don't know what you want." "You never stay on anything longer than five seconds." "Just give me that." " Let go." " Come on." "I want it, Jerry!" " Let go, Elaine!" " Then let George do it!" " George can't click!" " Give it to me!" "Give it!" "Give it!" "Give it!" "Pinheads." "Maybe I can't analyse and theorize and speculate on why we..." "Wait a second." "Go back to that." "Go back to that." "Hey, you read all those books, not me." "It's Chapter Two." "It's Neil Simon." "But one thing I do know." "I know how I feel." "Wait a second." "Wait a second!" " What?" " My God." "The letter." "That's the letter!" " What letter?" " This is the letter she wrote to me." "She stole it from the movie!" "Because you don't even mak e..." ""The slightest effort to opt for happiness and still know that I love you!"" "This is incredible." "I always thought there was something funny about this letter." "She's copied it right out of Chapter Two." "She's a thief!" "A bunco artist." "Maybe I won't send her that check." "You know, it's not really that terrible." "What are you talking about?" "She completely misrepresented herself." "I don't opt for happiness." "I opt for happiness." "James Caan doesn't opt for happiness." "Yeah." "Yeah." "She wouldn't take the cap off?" "No." "But didn't she know they were the owner's seats?" "Oh, that's unbelievable." "Yeah, okay." "All right, Lenny." "Thanks again." "Take care." "That's Lenny West, my accountant, who's a hell of a guy." "He handles the Yankees too." "It's his biggest account." "So every once in a while, they throw him a couple of seats and last weekend, he gave them to his daughter." "She's an artist, by the way." "Anyway her daughter gives them to some friends, you know?" "One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore cap." "You're from Baltimore, right?" "It's Towson." "That's near Baltimore." "But you're an Oriole fan, right?" "Well, fan..." "You know, my father..." "Anyway, she refused to take the cap off." "She caused a whole big scene." "Really?" "That's so impudent." "Yeah." "So Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night." "I'm inviting Frank and Marsha." "Want you to come." "I've got plans, though, Mr. Lippman." "Well, break them." "You missed the bris." "I want you at the game." "Okay." "Okay." " Good." " Okay, Mr. Lippman." "And, Elaine, you know the Baltimore cap you got in your office wear it." "I'm gonna have a little fun with him." "That will be fun." "How's it coming?" "Good." "Good." "Seen any good movies lately?" "No." "Not really." " You?" " No." "I like a good comedy." "You know, like a Neil Simon." " You like Neil Simon?" " Neil Simon?" "Some of his stuff." "I've seen most of it." "I guess my favourite would have to be Chapter Two." "Have you ever seen that?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "I have." "Funny." "Funny." "In fact, it was on TV just the other night." "Happened to catch it." "I couldn't help but notice a stunning similarity..." "Well, we've made our decision." "We want the Kramer." "Five thousand?" "Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000?" "Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight." "So is it all over between you and Marsha Mason?" "Yeah." "And by the way, can you get this thing out of my house?" "I'll make a deal with you." " I'll sell it to you for 10 bucks." " Please." "Seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the Yank ee dugout." "Behind the dugout?" "That's where we were sitting the other night." "We're not gonna show it, don't want to encourage that kind of behaviour." "It's a young lady, and she's really going at it with the security guard." "She's a feisty one." "They're getting the other security guard to come down." "How do you lik e that, Seaver?" "And, boy, she's something, and a Baltimore fan at that." "Holy cow!" "When I was 17, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden." " This steak is excellent, by the way." " More potatoes?" "Yeah, yeah, sure." "Please." "Yes, yes, go on." "You hopped a steamship to Sweden?" "It was a big one." "Baseball season's starting." "I'm very excited about that." "Did you ever sneak down to better seats at the game and get caught by the usher?" "When you're a kid, you're getting chased from every place anyway." "When you're an adult, it's really embarrassing." "You have to pretend like there's some confusion." "You put on this whole act." "You're looking at the tickets." ""I don't understand how this could have happened." "Let me see." "I see the problem." "These are very good seats." "I have very bad seats." "That's the misunderstanding."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "I bought the Ginsu knife." "I did buy the Ginsu knife." "I know, you can't believe it, but I did, I swear." "I saw it." "It was late, I'm watching and it started making sense to me." "I'm thinking:" ""Yeah, cut through the shoe, cut through the can, yeah." "Yeah, I want that."" "So I called up the number on the screen, you know and I said, " I'd like to order the Ginsu knife."" "And the lady went, "Really?"" "I mean, even the Ginsu people have given up." "It's really so sad, you know." "I guess, to be honest, if you need a knife that can cut through a shoe perhaps you're not buying the highest grade of meat available." "Maybe you ought to think about not getting the "hoof cut" once in a while." "What is it about sleep that mak es you so thirsty?" "Do dreams require liquid?" "It's not lik e I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there." "What the hell?" "Why is the door open?" " Kramer, what are you doing here?" "!" " Jerry, now calm down." "It's okay." " Oh, God." " I'm sorry." "I didn't want to wake you up." "I was watching Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo and I..." "You know, I wanted to get some popcorn so I used the spare keys that you gave me to come in to get your popper." " You scared me!" " It's just me." " That's enough!" " Yeah, okay." "Forgot the popper." "It's not broken." "Come on." "Kramer!" "What are you doing?" "What does it look like?" "What?" "Get out of the bathroom." "I gotta go!" "All right, all right." " Come on!" " All right." " Move it, move it!" "Get going!" " Well, my drain's all clogged up." " Is that my towel?" " Yes." "I'm really happy the movie was sold out." "You ever pretend there's murderers chasing you and see how fast you can get into your apartment?" "I'm from Wichita." " There he is!" " Hurry, Jerry, he's coming." " He's coming." "The murderers!" " Hurry." "Hurry, he's coming." "Hurry!" "Oh, Jerry." "Boy, that was close." "Did you see the look on that guy's face?" " You were so fast with those keys." " Well..." " Beautiful." " Kramer!" "What the hell are you doing here?" "Hey, Jerry, how are you?" "I thought you were going to the movies." "That's it, hand them over." " What?" " You know what." "The keys." "You've lost your key privileges." " Oh, come on." " No "come on."" " I thought you went to the movie." " It was sold out." "How was I to know it would be sold out?" " That's the point." " What point?" " Just give me the keys." " Just give me another chance." " Don't ask me." " I'm asking you." " I'm telling you." " You're joking." " I'm serious." " It won't happen again." " It will." "Give me the keys." " No." " Let go." " You let go." "Come on, Jerry." "Now, stop it." "Come on, Kramer." "Oh, great!" "Okay, all right." "Fine, you go ahead." "Take the keys." "But you're gonna regret this." "All right, yeah." "Goochie." " So put them in a safe place." " I will." " Where?" " I don't know." "I'll hide them." " So is Kramer upset?" " I think so." "I mean, he's acting really weird lately." "He's different." " Just give him the keys back." " No, I can't." "Is that Kramer?" " Who's there?" " Kramer." "Hey." "Oh, hi." "Oh, you got the..." " No, I am not..." " No, no, it's okay." "It's okay." "I don't care about the keys." "It's my fault." "No, I gave the keys away with my stupidity." "I broke the covenant of the keys." " Jerry, give him the keys back." " Elaine." " Here." " What are you doing?" " I'm giving him the keys." " Those are my keys." " Let go!" "Jerry!" "No!" " Elaine." "Come on." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "I don't want the keys back." "No, I'm glad the way things turned out." "I was clinging to those keys, man like a branch on the banks of a raging river and now I have let go." "And I'm free to go with the current to float." " And I thank you." " Take the keys." " I don't want them." " I want you to have them." " I don't want them!" "I can't." " Come on." "Take them!" " No!" " Okay." "Now, one more thing." "I would like my keys back." " Your spare set?" " Yeah, that's right." " You want them back?" " Yeah, yeah I think it would be for the best." "Gee, Kramer, I..." "I don't know what to say." "Say yes." "Yes, George, yes." " Yes?" " Yes." "Should I give you my keys?" "Is that the transaction, trading keys?" " Because Elaine has my keys." " You can get them back." "I suppose I could." "Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment that kept me in a fantasy world." "Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation." "Better food, better view, better TV." "Cleaner." "Oh, much cleaner." "That became my reality." "I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes." "I was living in twilight, George." "Living in the shadows, living in the darkness like you." " Me?" " Oh, yeah." "I can barely see you, George." "All right, stop it, Kramer." "You're freaking me out." "Hi." "Are you ready to order?" " Yeah." "What's the...?" " No, not yet." "Excuse me." "Do you ever yearn?" "Yearn?" "Do I yearn?" " I yearn." " You yearn?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, I yearn." "Often I sit and yearn." "Have you yearned?" "Well, not recently." "I craved." "I crave all the time." "Constant craving." "But I haven't yearned." " Look at you." " Oh, Kramer, don't start." "No, no." "You're wasting your life." "I am not." "What you call wasting, I call living." " I'm living my life." " Okay, like what?" "No, tell me." " Do you have a job?" " No." " You got money?" " No." "Do you have a woman?" "No." "Do you have any prospects?" "No." "You got anything on the horizon?" "No." " You have any action at all?" " No." "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?" "I like to get the Daily News." "George, it's time for us to grow up and be men not little boys." " Why?" "I'm going to California." "You know, I got the bug." "Yeah, I think I got a touch of something too." "No, the acting bug." "Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie." ""These pretzels are making me thirsty"?" "That was one line." "You got fired." "I know, I know." "But, man, I never felt so alive." " Now, you coming with me?" " No, I'm not." "All right." "Suit yourself." "But let's keep this between us." "We're key brothers now." "You're not really gonna go to California, are you?" "Up here, I'm already gone." "He gave me his spare keys and now he wants my keys, so I need mine back from you." "Because you have his keys?" "Why does he need yours?" "I don't know, he said he wants to be my key brother." " That's ridiculous." " That's Kramer." "I'll give you back your spare keys, but now I want mine back." "What for?" " Because I'll give them to Jerry." " Jerry?" "Why?" " Because he gave me his." " So what?" "So if he has my keys, I should have his." "I don't see why if you have his he should have yours." " I just said the same thing." " What?" " What?" "I'll give you my keys, but I don't have them here." "Can I have mine to give to Kramer?" "Yeah, okay, I'll go get them." "What are you doing?" "Would you just put that down?" "I gotta get some new friends." " Did you bring the keys?" " Yes." "But I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's." "This could be an emergency." " You shouldn't have taken his keys." " I tried to give them back." " How'd the Mets do?" " They lost." " Kramer!" " Come on, open it up." " Kramer?" " Hello, boys." " Hello, Newman." " Are you looking for someone?" "Don't play coy with me, I'm not in the mood." "Coy?" "I'm not being coy." " Is he being coy?" " Yeah, coy." "You're being coy." "Now, where's Kramer, Newman?" " Who?" " Listen, Tiny I wanna know where Kramer is, and I wanna know now!" " Hit me, Seinfeld, I got witnesses." " Turn around, George." " Sure." " George?" "Tell me where Kramer is or we'll do this the hard way!" " Help!" "Help!" " Where's Kramer?" " Help!" " What's going on?" " They're gonna beat me up." " No, we're not." "We're trying to find Kramer." "You want to know what happened to Kramer?" "I'll tell you." "He was ticked off about the keys." "Yeah, that's right, about the keys." " Thought he got a bad rap." " Bad rap?" " Yeah, from you." " Me?" "You heard me." "So he packed a grip and he split for the coast." "La-la land." "L.A." "L.A.?" "I never should have taken his keys away." "He drove me to it, I had no choice." "He wouldn't take them back." "Elaine, you saw it." "Remember?" "I said, "Take the keys back." He wouldn't do anything." "You saw it." "Didn't you see it?" "Yeah, yeah, I saw it." "I mean, it was complete bull..." "But I saw." " What?" " No, what'd you say?" "Nothing." "I didn't say anything." "Oh, you didn't see it?" "Yeah, I saw it." "I saw it." " I saw it." "Yep." " I heard you say something there." " I didn't say anything." " I'm calling Kramer's mother." "I don't know what you said, but it was something." "I heard something." "Hello?" "Hello, Mrs. Kramer?" "Mrs. Kramer?" "Could you turn the music down?" "Could you turn the music down?" " Ask her about Kramer." " She's drunk out of her mind." "Oh, my keys." "This is perfect." "Elaine, are you there?" "It's me." "I'm locked out." "I need my spare keys." "Where are you?" "I'm at the coffee shop." "Hey!" "You ever been in an accident?" "About five years ago." "I was going down this very road." "Same time of day, going about the same speed I'm going now." "There was a rock in the road." "It couldn't have been more than a pebble." "Never really saw it." "Lost control of the bike, went flying about a hundred feet." "Came down right on my head." "Cracked it wide open." "Blood and stuff just splattered all over the road there." "Broke every bone in my face." "You know, when they found me my eyes were hanging out of their sockets." "Yeah, they pronounced me dead at the scene." "Was in a coma for..." "Well, they told me about a year." "Said I'd be a vegetable for life." "Yeah, but I showed them." "Of course, since then, I always wear a helmet." "Lean." "Lean!" "Georgie boy." "Way to come through with the keys." " Sit down, I'm buying you dinner." " Look I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment." "Don't feel right?" "What are you talking about?" "I let you into Kramer's." "Now you wanna go into Elaine's." "She entrusted me with her keys." "How can I just let you in?" "What is the big deal?" "Just because you have someone's spare keys doesn't entitle you to break in." "That's the reason you took Kramer's keys." "You're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys." "You're supposed to give them to her so she can give them to me." "So technically, those are my keys." "If you'd never taken your keys from Kramer he never would have given his to me." "In which case, I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her." " I want those keys." " No can do." " George, I want these." " Stop it, let go." " George, I don't want to get physical." " You wanna fight?" " Wanna fight?" " I'll fight you!" " Let's go." " Nothing in the face!" " Okay." " All right." "And then the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince." "Oh, no." "He didn't take back the keys." " No way." " Yes." "And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cruel, cruel world." "Oh, man, what a bummer." " That ogre dude is pretty cold, huh?" " He's cold." "Let me tell you something, Kramer." "If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me I'd stab him!" " Wait." "I'd cut him in half!" "I'd gut him like a fish, man!" " That's what I'd do." " Yeah, yeah." "That'd be funny." "Hey, you can drop me here." "Hey, what's the rush, man?" " Well, I got to be going now." " Hey, Kramer have you ever killed a man?" "What do you think?" "You think these hands have been soaking in lvory Liquid, huh?" "Oh, don't leave, Kramer." "Stay with us." "Oh, you know so much about the world." "We need you." " Please, Kramer." " Please, Kramer." "Well, now, Star Cloud..." " Okay, wait a minute." " Please, Kramer." " No, no, no." " Please, Kramer." "See?" "You're avoiding the middleman." "You'd give her her keys, which she would give to me." "So instead of giving them to her, you give them to me." "Unfortunately, when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers." "She'd give them to me because she has mine." "Then I wouldn't have to ask you for hers so that I could get mine." "You're right." "How did I miss that?" "Maybe because it's a crock of sh..." " What's that?" " Nothing." " I heard something." " Didn't say anything." "So how long you been driving this thing?" "Going on four years." "Well, nothing's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi." "Nothing?" "Well..." "Listen to you." "You're quite the sweet talker." "I always wanted to drive the big rigs." "I used to watch those commercials during reruns of Gomer Pyle." " You wanna give it a try?" " Really?" " Do you know how to double-clutch?" " Yeah." " Well, come on." " Wait a minute." "Wait." "Okay." "All right." "They were in here." "I saw her put them in here." "Well, this is great." " What do they look like?" " Like keys." "They look like keys, George." "They look exactly like keys." ""What do they look like?"" " They're obviously not here." " They've got to be here." "Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up we have checked every square inch of this apartment." "What is this?" " "Murphy Brown"?" " What?" " "By Elaine Benes"?" " What?" "Elaine's writing a Murphy Brown?" " Let me see this." " Wait a second." " Let me just look at it." " Wait." " Give me half!" " All right, here!" "Why didn't she tell us?" "Elaine is writing a sitcom?" " You..." "You weasels!" " What?" " What?" " How dare you!" " We hardly read anything." " It was funny." "Who gave you permission to come in and just go through my things?" " You thought it was funny?" " Well, you know from what I saw..." " Well, it's just a first draft!" "I was locked out." "I'm just trying to get my keys." " Why did you let him in?" " He forced me to." " I did not!" " Yes, you did!" " You, get out!" "Get out!" " Wait, I need my spare keys." "Oh, here's your damn keys." "You keep them." " I don't want them anymore." " Good." "I want my keys back from you." " I can't hold them?" " No, you can't be trusted." "All right, all right." "Fine!" " And I don't want you to hold mine." " Good, I won't!" "Good, don't." " Are these my keys?" " These aren't my keys." " Whose are these?" " I don't know." "No, those are yours..." "I just thought I could write it." "Is that something you wanna do?" "I don't know." "Those writers make a lot of money." "What?" "Let me tell you something about show business." " I can't believe it." " It's hard work." "You don't just write a Murphy Brown." "You gotta watch the show, get a sense of the characters how they relate to each other." "Okay, can I just watch the show?" "Oh, God, what an ass..." "What did you say?" "I didn't say anything." "I heard something." "Elaine, Elaine, it's Kramer!" "Kramer's on Murphy Brown!" " Kramer's on Murphy Brown!" " Look, there he is!" "He's sitting at the desk!" "Hi, I'm Murphy Brown." " You must be my new secretary." " Good morning, Miss Brown." " And you are?" " I'm Steven Snell." " Snell." " Yes." "Well, hello, Mr. Snell." "Steven." " Steven." " Yes." "Are you familiar with this computer system?" "Oh, I'm familiar, yes." "Steven Snell, I know people and I have a very good feeling about you." "Yes." "So I fly a lot." "I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering are there keys to the plane?" "Do they need keys to start the plane?" "Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes, at the gate." "Maybe the pilot's up in the cockpit going:" ""Oh, I don't believe this." "Oh, my God I did it again."" "They tell you it's mechanical." "They don't want to come on the PA system:" ""Ladies and gentlemen we're gonna be delayed here a little while." "I..." "Oh, God, this is so embarrassing." "I left the keys to the plane in my apartment."" "You see technicians, you think they're servicing it but they're looking for the magnet Hide-A-Key under the wing." ""Maybe he left it up there somewhere."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "In parking lots, they have this "compact car only" spot." "Isn't that discrimination against the size of your car?" "If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot that's my business." "There are people with real asses hanging out of their pants." "Nobody's stopping them." "Nobody goes, " Hey, hold it, sir." "Those are compact jeans." "You can't pull that in there."" "Hey." "I got bad news for you, buddy." "I think your car got stolen again." "What are you talking about?" "You parked on 84th and Columbus, right?" "I just walked by there, and that car is gone." "Yeah, I know." "Well, where is it?" "What's the difference?" "Well, there's no difference." "You know, I'm just curious." "Always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?" " What happened to the car?" " lf I don't tell you, it'll kill you, won't it?" " Yeah, yeah." "It'll kill me." " You have to know." " You must know." " I must know." "Well, I'm not telling you." "Come on." "Nope." "I don't think so." " Well, please?" " Not today, pal." "Okay, I beg you." "Now, see, just saying "beg" doesn't make it a real beg." "You gotta put some beg into it." "Okay." "Please!" "Please tell me!" "All right, but your begging needs a lot of work." " Okay, okay." "What is it?" " I loaned the car to George." "George." "All right." "Well, what for?" "George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester." "Okay?" "All right." "Why'd they go there?" "Would you stop it, already?" " Why didn't they ask me to go?" " I don't know!" "How am I supposed to know?" " What, they don't like me?" " I don't like you." "Well, if they liked me, why didn't they ask me to go?" "Yeah." "I really think it looks good." "Ten bucks." "How can you go wrong?" "All bald people look good in hats." "You should have lived in the '20s and '30s." "Men wore hats all the time then." "What a bald paradise that must have been." "Nobody knew." "You can wear a hat all the time now." " Who's stopping you?" " No, I can't." "What if I meet a woman?" "I'd always worry about that first moment where I take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face." "You sure you like these sunglasses?" "Man." "Well, I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine." "And you know I'm somebody you don't wanna have on your bad side." " Why not?" " Because I'm like ice, buddy." "When I don't like you, you got problems." " Is this for the fight?" " Yeah." "Starts in 35 minutes." "Yeah." "Hey, I invited Mike Moffett." "You don't mind, do you?" "No." "I like Mike." "I just got off the phone with him." "We had a great conversation." " Yeah?" "What did you talk about?" " Actually, we talked about you." "Yeah." "He had some pretty interesting things to say." "Yeah?" "What did he say?" "You have to know everything, don't you?" " Come on." "What'd he say?" " Why is that?" "Why do you have to know everything?" " Kramer, just tell me what he said." " Beg me." " Please don't make me beg." " No, I want you to beg me." "And I don't want you to say it." "I want you to put some beg in it." "Go on." "Kramer, please tell me what the guy said." "No, no." "That's no good." "No, I really don't think that's a beg." "No way." "It's close, but..." " Kramer!" " Look, I can't say anything." "The guy told me this stuff in confidence." "I'd be betraying a friend." "Well, you can't just mention it and then not tell me." "All right." "I'll tell you, but you can't say anything to him." "I'm not saying anything." "I'm putting it in the vault." "I'm locking the vault." "It's a vault!" " He thinks you're a phoney." " He what?" "I told you." "He thinks you're a phoney." " A phoney?" "He called me a phoney?" " A big phoney." "Big one." "Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?" "You begged me." "Do you hear that?" "Of course I hear that." "You had to move the mirror." "I wanted to check out my sunglasses." "Went to look in the mirror, it was gone." "You threw off my equilibrium." "Yeah." "Blame it on me because you can't drive, George." " I can't drive?" " Yeah." "Nobody drives like me." "Nobody." "I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on." "Want to see a right turn from the left lane?" "No, I really don't." " I can make a left from the right lane." " I'm sure you could." " What are we gonna tell Jerry?" " I don't know." "Start looking for spaces." "You're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block." "Just put it in a garage." "Look, I have my system." "First, I look for the dream spot in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles." "No." "Come on, George." "Please put it in a garage." "I don't wanna spend an hour looking for a space." "I can't park in a garage." " Why?" " I don't know." "I just can't." "Nobody in my family can pay for parking." "It's a sickness." "My father never paid for parking." "My mother." "My brother." "Nobody." " I'll pay for it." " You don't understand." "A garage." "I can't even pull in there." "It's like going to a prostitute." "Why should I pay when, if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?" "What?" "What do you want?" "Go around me." "I'm looking for spaces." "George!" "There's a space right there!" " Beautiful." " You just passed it, see?" "Look at that, the dream space." "Right in front of Jerry's building." "Dreams can come true." "What did I tell you?" "You didn't even have to take it out to dinner." "All right, now you're gonna see some parallel parking." "I wish you could make a living parallel parking." "It's all geometry, knowing all the angles when to make that first turn and when to swing it back in." "That's the key." "Will you just park it, already?" "There's nothing I can impart to you." "That's the sad thing." "It's so inborn." "I can't pass it on." "Look at this guy." "What, are you crazy?" "What are you doing?" "Hey, hey!" "You're stealing my space!" "Wait, you don't know who this guy is!" "People kill for a parking space in this city." " He's not getting away with this." " George!" "What are you doing?" "I think I'm parking my car." "You can't do that." "You can't sneak in from the back like that." "I'm not sneaking!" "I didn't even know you were parking." "You were just sitting there." "If you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in headfirst?" "That's the way I park!" "You didn't start backing in until I pulled in." "I was in the middle of a conversation." "Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?" "The point is, I was here first." "I was closer to this space than you were!" "But I'm backing in, you can't put it in headfirst!" "I can if I have room!" "Are you gonna move the car?" "No, I'm not gonna move the car." " Jerk." " You're not?" " You believe this guy?" " We'll put it in the garage." "I am not putting it in the garage." "It's my space." "What are you gonna do, you're gonna leave it here like this?" " I'm going upstairs." " Are you coming back down?" "I gotta tell Jerry we're here." "I gotta go to the bathroom." "Make sure he reserves the good chair for me." "What are we gonna tell him about the clanking noise?" "Me?" "No, no, no." "You." "You're gonna tell him." " I'm not gonna..." "No!" " You're good at this." " What am I gonna say?" " I don't know." "You'll think of something." "Just break it to him gently." "Man!" "Oh, my God." "I need a drink." "Got any Hennigan's here?" "Yeah." "Under the counter." "What happened?" "God." "Jerry, it was so terrible, what we just went through on the way home." "You wouldn't believe it." "What?" "Tell me what happened." "Okay." "Now listen." "We were at the tollbooth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?" "And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?" "And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us." "And so..." "So then we paid the toll, and then we went through and then they started to follow us!" "So George tries to lose them, and..." "And..." "But..." "But they were in this really..." "Like a souped-up car, you know?" "And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels, and I was just screaming and then..." "George is such a great driver." " He is?" " He is fantastic." "And then they fired a gun right up in the air!" " A gun?" " I think it was a gun." "And then they followed us all the way into the city." "And then they stopped, and they turned around and they went home." "Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" " Yeah, yeah." "I'm all right." "God." " Oh, man." "By the way, the car hit a pothole, and now it's making a clanking noise." "Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that..." "That's the important thing." "Exactly." "Where's George now?" "He's out in front arguing with some guy about a parking space." " What are you talking about?" " Look out the window, you'll see." "Hey, Georgie!" "Hey!" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "I'm fine." "Crazy kids, huh?" "What?" "It's my cuticle." "Is that Jerry?" " Jerry!" " Hey, Mike." "What, you know Jerry?" " Yeah, I know Jerry." " How do you know him?" " What's the difference?" " Because I know him too and probably a lot better than you." " Well, bully for you." "Hey, Jerry." "You know, your friend here is a real piece of work!" " I'm coming down." " Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?" "What, you know Kramer?" " Hi." " Hello." "Hey, your friend Mike's outside." "He wants to talk to you." "Hey, Mike!" "Come on up!" "The fight's almost starting." " You're watching the fight at Jerry's?" " Yeah." "Oh, great." " You know that guy downstairs?" " Yeah." "He's a real phoney." "What's going on?" "Will you come on down?" "This guy's in my space!" "It's my space!" "I'll be down in a minute." " Are you going down?" " Yeah." " Is anything wrong?" " Why should anything be wrong?" "I'll be down in a minute." "Hey, pal." "You're not getting that space." "I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to." "I'll die out here." "He was down there." "Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space." " No." "It doesn't matter." "He was here..." " Hey, Jerry." " Long time no see." " Hi, Mike." " Indiana." " Hey, Krame." " You know this guy?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I know him." "You're looking tremendous." "What, are you on some regimen?" "Yeah, 25-percent bran flakes." "The 40 percent was too much, so I found a store to make it special." "They take it down another 15 percent." "That's killer!" "Killer!" "I love that." "You've got to use that." "That's a definite." "Come on." "Hey!" " Your friend here has real problems." " Me?" "See what he did?" "See how he tried to sneak into my space?" "Going in front-first isn't sneaking!" "You went in front-first because you saw me backing up!" "I went front-first because I can make it front-first." "Pull out!" "I'll show you!" "You got a prayer." "I go in front-first all the time." "Front-first." "That's how you park when you're pulling a bank job." " Did you talk to him?" " Yeah." " It's all taken care of." " You told him?" "What did you tell him?" "I did a number on him." "It was a thing of beauty." "You really had to be there to appreciate it." "I can't believe it." "What'd you say?" "I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city." "A pack of teenagers?" "Yeah." "By the time I got to the end of the story he was so relieved we were alive, he couldn't care less about the car." "You are a genius." "It's as simple as that." "What can I say?" "You know, it's a gift." "I only wish I could teach you, but, you know, it's inborn." "By the way, thanks for inviting me to the flea market." " What?" " Yeah." "Jerry, he told me all about it." " Great." " I didn't know." "Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny." "Well, I didn't know you wanted to go." "A flea market?" "You went to a flea market?" " Who's talking to you?" " We just didn't think of you." " You said it, sister." " Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody and ask if they wanna do what I'm doing?" "People forget." "Look at Home Alone." "They forgot." "Great move telling him, by the way." "Real smart move." "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything." "Judgment, Jerry, judgment." "You exercise no judgment!" "You're right." "My fault." "I'm sorry, Kramer." "I'm so sorry." "Really." "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I don't care for that "sorry."" "What's wrong with that sorry?" "That was a good sorry." "Jerry was that a good sorry?" " It was a so-so sorry." "Hey!" "Move this car!" "I gotta get through!" "You heard the man." "I guess you better be moving your car." "Like you're not just gonna back it in if I do that." "Well, somebody better move something soon!" "I got a truck full of ice cream here!" "They had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right?" "These guys don't trust each other, so they got two nonpartisan drivers to move them." "Wild pack of teenagers, huh?" "Yeah." "Amazing how they pick you out of everyone to terrorize." "Yeah." "I know." "I said to myself, "Why us?" You remember?" "Sounds like you did some pretty nifty manoeuvring." "You know, it's interesting, under that pressure, what you're capable of." " Right." " I learned a lot about myself." " What did you do to my car?" " I couldn't help it!" "Elaine moved the mirror!" "I got discombobulated!" "Like you've ever been "bobulated."" "I thought you said you were a good driver." "No, I never said I was a good driver, I said, I was a good parker." "I think you said driver." "Parker." "I never said driver." "I said, parker." "Great parker." "That's not the way it was." "Move it up." " No, that's the right position." " No, no." "I was further in." "No, you weren't." "Stop there." " Do you mind?" " Do you?" "Somebody better move these cars." " You're making a commotion." " Hey, Sid." " Who are you?" " Never mind who I am." "I know who I am." "Do you know who you are?" "Why is it every time you park a car in this block everything gets disrupted and disjointed?" " Sid, it's completely his fault." " Right." "Why don't you start taking the bus." "Let's go." "I'm putting it in the garage." "The fight's starting in two minutes." " Enough!" " No!" "Don't do it!" "Are we gonna stay here all night?" "Yes." "I'm not giving him the satisfaction." "It's my space." "Why don't you just flip a coin, already." "No, this is a matter of principle." "That would be saying anybody can pull into any space any way they want." "I'm making a stand here." "I'm saying no to headfirst parking!" "We put up with too much crap in this city!" "We're not putting up with headfirst parking!" "Maybe if you hadn't been pontificating about what a great parker you were you might have got the space." "So you're against me now?" "He could have pulled up to that car and backed in but he chose to go in headfirst." "No, he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in." " No, he wasn't." " All that matters is who was there first." "You're not even old enough to drive, you little puke." "You just spit on me!" "Don't you raise your voice to me." "You're not my father!" "Hey, Matthew." "Hi, Jerry." "This guy's really a jerk." " How you doing?" " Okay." "I hear your father's closing his store." "What?" " No." "Nothing." " What's happened to Daddy?" " He's going out of business?" " No, no, no." "We're not going to have any money?" " We're out of money?" " No, of course not." "Mommy!" "Jerry says Daddy's closing the store." "He's going out of business." "We don't have any money?" "Jerry, what's the matter with you?" "I didn't..." "I don't know about your friend Jerry." "He says some stupid things sometimes." "Yeah." " Congratulations." " What for?" "Well, you're pregnant." " What?" " You're not pregnant?" "No, I'm not pregnant." " Are you sure you're not pregnant?" " Yes, I'm sure!" " That's weird." " Come on, Matthew." " No!" " Come on, Matthew!" "I thought she was pregnant." "Hey, do you think I'm a phoney?" " What?" " Mike thinks I'm a phoney." " He thinks you're a phoney?" " But I can't say anything because I'm not supposed to know." " You have to say something." "I can't." "I told Kramer I was vaulting it." " You gotta open the vault." " Open my vault?" "!" " Open your vault." " Once I open the vault it ceases to be a vault." " You have no choice." "The vault." "You know why you can't go in front-first?" "I'll tell you why." "Because it signals a breakdown in the social order." "Chaos!" "It reduces us to jungle law." "When can you park headfirst?" "Never." " Why are you asking him?" " Who's talking to you?" "He's right!" "Never!" "What if you got 10 car lengths?" "Should you pull all the way to the front car?" "If you got 10 car lengths..." "When do you ever have 10 car lengths?" "What about Sundays and holidays?" "Please." "What's going on here?" "This guy tried to sneak into my space." "I really hate people who do that." "I hope you don't let him get away with it." "Thank you for your support." "Hey, that's a great hat." "Really?" "You like it?" "I got it at a flea market today." " Hey, George, nice hat." " Yeah, thanks." " Can I try it on?" " No!" "It wouldn't fit you." " Sure, it would." " No!" "Get out of here, Newman." " Let me try it." " No!" "Stop it!" " Let him try it on." " I don't want him to!" "What is wrong with you?" "You want to see?" "There!" "There it is!" "Run!" "All right!" "You wanna try on the hat?" "!" "Try on the hat!" "Stop it, George!" "Stop it." "I was defending your parking." " Come on, George!" " Okay, just keep the hat!" "That's it." "The fight's already started." "I'm going upstairs." " Who's coming?" "Elaine?" " Depends on who's going." "You going?" " I'm not going if he's going!" " Me either!" " Well, I'm going." " lf he's going, I'm not going!" " It's your house!" " I don't have to go." " I won't go if Jerry's not." " Why won't you go if I go?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why." " No." "Don't, Jerry." " Like you didn't call me a phoney!" "What?" " Thanks!" "Real good!" " All right." "Jerry." "I think you completely misunderstood what I said." "I meant it in a complimentary way." "You know, when people say, " He's bad," it really means, " He's good."" "That sort of thing?" " You know, slang." " Use it in a sentence." "Man, that Michael Jordan is so phoney." "Why did you tell him?" "!" " He begged me!" " He begged you?" "!" "Come on, who wants to watch the fight?" "Okay, whose cars are these?" "Let's move them." "Let's go." "Officer, can I explain something to you?" "Let's go, or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes." "He can't pull in headfirst!" "Officer, he backed up from down the street!" "He was double-parked!" "He was sitting there!" "All right, you move your car." "It's his space." "You can't go in headfirst." "Wait a second." "Why can't he go in headfirst?" "He said the guy was just sitting over there." "What are you talking about?" "This guy was here first." " But he didn't take it." " Hey!" "It's his space!" "No, it's his space!" "You're gonna have to go to the bathroom!" " You'll have to go to work!" " I don't have a job!" "Neither do I!" "Seven." "Eight." "Nine." "Ten." "People will kill each other for a parking space in New York." "Because they think, " If I don't get this one, I may never get a space."" "You know. " I'll circle for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons."" "Everybody in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces." "You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night." "It's like musical chairs, except everybody sat down around 1964." "The problem is, car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year." "They're not making any new spaces." "That's what they should work on." "Wouldn't that be great?" "You go to the auto show, they got that big revolving turntable and there's nothing on it." ""New from Chrysler: a space."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"