"I mean that if you made more effort, you may get a man to ask you out." "I don't want a man to ask me out." "You know, 80% of women who say they are too busy to have a relationship, are really lonely, Audrey." "You know, I don't feel the need to date just to stay on the right side of a survey." " And it's bad for your skin." " What?" "My skin is always better when I'm dating." "You're never not dating." "And just look at my complexion." " You, on the other hand..." " I, on the other hand, have stopped having this conversation." "Oh my God, is this it?" "It's an extraordinary townhouse with a total floor space of 9,000 square feet, not including the garden." "May I ask what you do?" "It depends on the occasion." "And your friend?" "I'm just along for the ride." "This view of the dining room was recently featured in Manhattan Interiors Magazine." "Oh." "What was hanging there?" "Uh, John Sargent." "Yeah, Mr. Harrison has an amazing art collection." "Too bad none of it comes with the townhouse." "Now if you'll follow me this way." "Now this ceiling was actually handcrafted by the great-grandson of Charles Thorpe." "That wasn't cheap." "I guess it pays to be the emperor of infomercials." "Mr. Harrison made $30 million off "The Hair Houdini" alone." "That much?" "Oh my God." "Now if you'll follow me to the main bedroom." "Know what, Sara?" "I don't think this is the place for you." "It's kind of... cramped." " Cramped?" " Well, it was all I could think of." "Besides, I had everything I needed." "So, the Sargents in the dining room are gone, the Cassatt in the living room has been replaced by a lithograph, number 139 of 150 run." "Over the grand piano is a framed poster of the East Hampton Film Festival." "Somewhat less valuable than the Sisley that was hanging there, and whatever those monstrosities are in the hallway... if they're Francis Bacon, I'm a Jimmy Dean sausage." "Yes, sir..." "Mr. Harrison's scam is going to unravel and I will get millions off him." "But for someone else." "See, that's the part I don't get." " Where's the pleasure?" " Winning." " Thanks for today, Mom." " Shh..." "Audrey." "I've asked you not to use that word in public!" "That two-faced, lying son-of-a-bastard!" "Mary, you know I don't like spouse bashing." "This happens all the time." "He may have hidden them, sold them... we'll find out." "Luckily, I've dealt with Tom Hoffman, the opposing counsel, in similar situations." "He's a good lawyer, but I'm wise to his game." "Hmm." "What does this mean?" "Is it bad?" "No, it doesn't mean anything." "It just means that your husband has a hired a new attorney, that's all." "His name is Daniel Rafferty." " I've never heard of him." " Me neither." "He's new in town." " This makes me nervous." " Oh, relax." "You have nothing to worry about." "A new attorney who has never practiced in New York will never get up to speed this late in the game, okay?" "You have nothing to worry about." "I have never lost one of these." "It's fine, it's fine." "It's okay." "It's not a problem." "It's okay, everything's okay." "You're all right." "Okay." "Ready?" "That's Gary's new attorney?" "Audrey Woods." "I'm representing Mrs. Harrison." " Audrey Woods." " Right, for Mrs. Harrison." "I've heard good things." "That felt nice, by the way." "I realize you're just starting to familiarize yourself with the case, but I wanted to make you aware that... what?" "Er, you got a little..." "right here." "Uh, thank you." "Anyway, as I was saying, um, it has come to our attention that certain assets accumulated, uh..." "accumulated during the marriage have not been accounted for, so I have come to what I believe is an accurate estimate of the..." "of the missing..." "Snoball." "I don't settle." "I didn't mention settling." "Unless of course you'd like to give me uh... let me see this." "Which is what I'll earn for this trial... plus expenses." "Then we've got something to talk about." " You must be joking." " Gave it a shot." "Good luck." "Ms. Woods, is it?" " Hey, Daniel." " Good morning." "Good morning." "Good news..." "opposing counsel's insane." "All rise." "532 is now in session." "Please be seated and come to order." "Judge Abramovitz divorced... horribly." "Very tough on men." "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen." "Mr. Rafferty," "I see you're back on the East Coast." "I told you the California sun is hard on the skin." "Yes, but, uh, I did moisturize as per your instructions, Your Honor." "I'll hear opening arguments." "Your honor, I would like to move for a continuance." "It's come to our attention that discrepancies exist concerning the reporting of assets..." "namely, several valuable works of art." "Uh, may I interject, Your Honor?" "Uh, you mean, um, paintings, sculpture, that kind of stuff?" "Exactly." "Paintings like this?" "Actually, yes." "Like this, uh, Sisley or this Morisot?" "And what have we here?" "Oh, John Sargent." "Yes, not my kind of thing." "If I was him, I would have given them away too." "Which is exactly what Mr. Harrison did." "All of these." "A while ago." "Anonymously, of course, to a very prominent museum." "I'm surprised that Mrs. Harrison didn't tell you about this, Ms. Woods." "See, her, uh, signature's on the donation document." "Right there." "Oh, uh, that reminds me, Your Honor, um, I'd like to move for a continuance." "I've just been retained as Mr. Harrison's counsel, and I haven't had time to fully research all aspects of the case." "For instance, I have a um... a receipt here... for six 28-day stays at the Piney Woods rehab center for Mrs. Harrison's treatment of sexual addiction." "I'd like to get to the bottom of that." " I'll give you one week." " Thank you, Your Honor." "Six months for sexual addiction?" "My therapist was very good." "We have to talk." "It's not my fault that Mary Harrison has the IQ of a dinner plate." "I'd have found out that Harrison disposed of the art." "I mean, that's why I asked for the continuance." "It's just that this Rafferty guy beat me to it." "You want him dead?" " Oh, Mother." " I meant socially." "I don't know, I've never been up against anyone like him." "He's very un... something." "I can't tell if he just got lucky or he's... really, really good." " Maybe he's both." " Thank you, Mother." "What are you eating?" "Vegetables." " Is this Rafferty guy cute?" " I didn't notice." "Besides, he's not your type." "He's old enough to drive." "Quick, Channel 6." "...In court today were opening arguments in the divorce of Gary "Gadget" Harrison." " Channel 6, Mom." " Harrison is being sued at stake..." "a reported $97 million." "We caught up with Harrison's attorney Daniel Rafferty earlier today outside the courthouse." "Well, we do feel that Mrs. Harrison's monetary demands are outrageous." "After all, it's Mr. Harrison's products that come with a money-back guarantee, not Mr. Harrison." "That's incredible." "He just got into town and he's already working the press." " And you didn't notice if he's cute?" " Shh, call me later." "Quite frankly, after this morning's opening..." "She takes after her father." "The prenuptial will stand as agreed." "Mrs. Harrison's case has about as much chance as a... uh, snowball in hell." "Okay, Mr. Rafferty..." "I accept." "Why am I not surprised?" "Hello?" "Mr. Rafferty?" "Hello?" "Thanks, Benny." "Anymore arrive, just put them outside my door, okay?" " Oh... oh, uh!" " Hey." "Oh, sorry." "Pardon me." " Wait, wait, I'm walking here!" " Hey, you looking to die, lady?" "And very kindly stepping in at the last minute for Erin Swedland, one of New York's most successful attorneys;" "first in her class at Yale, and partner at Katz, Cohen  Phelps..." "Audrey Woods." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Small world, eh?" "And another counselor kind enough to step in at the last minute." "Some say there's method in his madness." "Some say madness is his method." "He's practiced in Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles." "And I guess practice makes perfect... because he's never lost a case." "The "late" Daniel Rafferty." "Mmm." "Do you always look like an unmade bed?" "Uh-oh." "You've either taken an immediate dislike to me for some inexplicable reason, or you're flirting with me." " Which is it?" " I'll give you hint." "You're getting warm with the first one." " What was the second one again?" " What are you doing here?" "At least you could be a bit more grateful." "Grateful for what?" "Well, my old friend Lyman over there needed a replacement." "He asked me if I knew an interesting lawyer." "I happen to think you're very interesting." " You?" " Mmm." " Please welcome our first panelist..." " I'm here because of you?" "...Audrey Woods." "You're up." "So my advice to you is divorce doesn't have to be agony." "Look at it as a chance to examine the complex emotional labyrinth that is the human relationship." " Well done, well done." " Thanks, Ms. Woods, very enlightening." " Like a nibble?" " You raise some interesting points." "No?" "And now, let's hear from Daniel Rafferty." "Mmm, that's me." "Any sno-bits?" "Hi." "Thank you very much." "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen." "Ah, wonderful speech, Ms. Woods." "But, uh, this is the way I see it." "Lawyers are scum." "Divorce lawyers though... are the fungus growing beneath the scum." "Divorce is the post mortem of a dead marriage." "We represent people who have suddenly discovered a passion for a fight that they never knew they had in them." "Where was that passion and fight when it was needed to save the marriage?" "Hmm?" "Don't ask." "It's not our jobs." "Everyone loves gadgets." "And the way divorce is going these days, you're going to get a chance to use them." "State-of-the-art stuff for tracking the philandering husband or the unfaithful wife." "For instance, a camera this small can take a picture... this big." "Amazing, isn't it?" "Don't you think the clarity is wonderful?" "I'm sure you people at the back can see all the roses on our suspect's scarf." "No longer do we have to rely on crude convenient store video." "With digital capability, we can dispose of 20 closed-circuit systems and achieve optimum picture quality." "Now I'm sure the person..." "there didn't realize that they were being caught in the act." "Wouldn't you agree?" "Remember, none of us are in divorce law for love." "I think you like him." "Like him?" "Are you crazy?" "Sure, but I'm also your mother... when we're not in public." "I know, it's a little painful, but I can see results already." "I have the lower lids of a teenager." "Oh!" "Okay, one that's been thrown through the windshield, but a teenager nevertheless." "I didn't sleep a wink because of that guy." "Don't worry, I'm going to catch him with his guard down, and then kick him in the body part of my choosing." "Just be careful, you've never lost a big case." "Well, neither has he." "And that's just irresistible." " Mother!" " I'm sorry." "That's it." "I'll apologize." "To Rafferty?" "Why?" "You haven't done anything wrong." "Exactly." "So it'll be the last thing he's expecting." "It's the perfect strategy." "A sincere apology is just a manipulating tactic, like..." "like forgiveness, or generosity." "He'll fall for it." "He's not from New York." "You are so adorable when you're going for the kill." "Hi." "I came to apologize." "Oh... you're bothering to knock." "Don't you usually just break and enter?" "Hysterical." "And I didn't break and enter." "If you review your surveillance tape... you know, just how paranoid are you by the way?" "You'll notice that your office was open and my intention was to have a meeting." "My apology is for any confusion." "Oh." "I don't know what to say." ""Come in" would be nice." "Come in." "Actually, you're lucky I don't sue you for injuries sustained when I picked up those file boxes." "I cite "Gibbon v. Masters... treacherous conditions in the workplace."" "You, uh, sustained an injury?" "I broke a nail." "Open your present." "Oh, look at that." "Very nice." "I thought you'd enjoy owning one without a stain." "Interesting presumption." "You gave a very good speech yesterday, by the way." "Very provocative." "The, uh, "butter wouldn't melt" guide to divorce." "I take the high road." "I use the law, not cheap theatrics." "Okay." "Meeting's a good idea." "So let's get on with it." "Excuse me?" "Let's meet over dinner." "And since you initiated it, protocol dictates that you should take me, don't you think?" "Yes, of course." "Or... we could eat here." "I have Snickers." "Hello, Leslie, would you book my table" " at the Four Seasons, please?" " No, no, no, no, no." "My choice." "Bye, Leslie." "All right, as long as it isn't outside." "There's a 65% chance of rain tonight." "There's a low-pressure system coming out of the Northwest." "I watch the Weather Channel." "Could you be more fascinating?" "# De Colombia o de Brasil #" "# ¿Cuál café se va a servir?" "#" "# Rico frío y culto es Ud. #" "# ¿Qué expresito quiere beber?" "#" "Ah, dos huevos de chivo, por favor." "¿Huevos de chivo?" "With the huevo?" "Oh, sí." "God, I love this place." "It's so romantic, no?" " No." " Oh." "So what was all this high-morality, passion-within-a-marriage crap you were spouting?" "Well, don't you ever just want to slap your clients, tell them to go home and sort it out?" "Actually, no, I don't." "Each case I handle convinces me further that marriage is dead in the water." "I see." " I see?" " Yep." " That's it?" "You see?" " Yes, I do." "I see a lot." "Are you dating anyone?" "You see a lot..." "am I dating anyone?" " What kind of a segue is that?" " I don't think you are." "Ohh, this is what you see." "You see that I couldn't be dating anyone?" "I could be dating, mister." "Trust me, okay?" "I could be dating a whole big deal." "I could be lobbying for a 12-day week," "I'm dating so much, okay?" "Oh, what is this?" "What is this, "arms in the air, I rest my case" thing?" " What is that?" " You're not dating." "Why not?" " Okay, since you ask..." " You're beautiful..." " what is dating anyway?" " Intelligent." " It's trial marriage." " I'm eating with the most beautiful..." "What?" "Trial marriage?" "I thought you just said marriage was dead in the water." "And that's why I don't date." "Subject closed." " How about you?" " How about me, what?" "You dating anyone?" "I thought you just closed that subject." " I just reopened it." " I see." "You mean, apart from tonight?" "This isn't a date." " This is a meeting." " Seriously?" "Yes, seriously." "My first response is always the truth." "It's a rule I live by, personally and professionally." "A person's first response is what they truly feel." "Oh, that's very good, very profound." "I mean, I couldn't agree more." "But can't we reach a compromise, call it an intimate meeting?" "Intimacy doesn't change a thing." "Business is business." "Oh, come on, you don't mean that." "Oh, boy." "Don't you try to analyze me with your disheveled, bohemian, "my socks don't match, therefore I have insight to all things" whacko mindset." "There are no psychoanalytical shortcuts into my pants, okay?" "Dos huevos de chivos." "Gracias." "Mmm." "Oh, look, medical waste in a glass." " No umbrella?" " Okay, you're gonna have to drink this." "This is an old Cuban tradition I learned." "Before the duel, the two opponents drink the huevo de chivo together." "It means "just because I'm trying to kill you, doesn't mean I don't love and respect you. "" "Huevo de chivo." "Ohh!" "Ahh!" "What the hell was that?" "Huevo de chivo." "Goat's nut." "Goat's nut?" "I just had a goat's nut in my mouth?" "No, it's a cherry." "It's a cherry." "Look, it's a maraschino cherry." "Mmm, there you go." "Too strong for you?" "Not at all." " Let's have another." " No." "No, this is lethal stuff." " Really?" " Yeah." " Waitress?" "!" " Oh, no." " Huevo de chivo." " Huevo de chivo." " Mmm." " Hah!" "Uh-oh." "Did you bring an umbrella, Mrs. Weather Channel?" "65%?" "I mean, if you'd said 85 or 90..." "Yeah, and it's precisely that 25% extra that you need and I don't." "And there's a difference between how you and I need different percentages." "Because if my style is 6-5 and you're 8-5..." "Whooo!" " I'm a little drunk." " Yeah." "Well, at least we'll be equally hung over when we see Judge Abramovitz in the morning." "Yeah, you and her, what's up with that?" "Oh, my mouth has gone numb." "I can't feel anything." "Can you?" "I felt that okay." "Hey." "Hey, you're not supposed... yeah." "You?" "Oh!" "Oh my God." "What have I done?" "Cup of coffee?" "Due in court, 45 minutes." " Clothes are in the dryer." " The dryer?" "I wore panties." "That much I remember." "Did I do anything last night I might regret?" "I hope not." "Ohh." "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear." "At least we'll both arrive in court looking like hell." "Ready?" " Oh, come on!" " What's wrong?" "I mean, you always say I look like crap." "Don't you like it?" "Tie looks good." "$97 million, Your Honor." "And yet he is trying to hold my client to a penurious prenuptial which we have shown is clearly suspect." "Mary Harrison is entitled to at least half of his assets and a continuing percentage of profit in his corporation." " You don't really mean that." " What?" "I'm sorry to interrupt, Ms. Woods, but are you suggesting that because the number is so large, your client is entitled to more than was agreed upon in the prenup?" "Because that was not your position last night, assuming you remember last night's... position." "I am speaking..." "this morning of two people who are husband and wife... two people who shared eight years together..." "A wife who in their most intimate moments inspired her husband's greatest creations." "Oh, what did you say?" "It was brilliant." "I wrote it down somewhere." "Um... there you go." "Here." "Um... "intimacy doesn't change a thing." "Business is business. "" " How dare you!" " Okay!" "Okay!" "This is how I see it." "According to the state of New York," "Mrs. Harrison signed a prenuptial agreement that no one has proven to me is flawed in any way." "So the court finds the document holds and assets shall be divided according to its provisions." "Case dismissed." "And whatever the two of you got going on, take it outside." "You know, I've come to think we have a great success on our hands here and uh..." "One moment, please." "Audrey!" "Audrey, wait!" "Audrey." "Audrey, wait!" "Wait just one moment." "Come on." "Come on, let me explain." "Please, just let me explain, all right?" "Counselor, you are now operating in a morality-free void" " in which all bets are off." " You don't get it, do you?" "I just paid you the ultimate compliment." "Compliment?" "You forced me to fight dirtier in there than I've ever had to do before." "That's how good you are." "Oh, please, save the L.A. Schmooze for Judge Judy." "You owe me an apology." "Like the apology you gave me last night?" "Okay, I was trying to soften you up." "And then I let you seduce me so you'd think you had the upper hand." "You let me seduce you?" "You let me?" "Are you wounded, Mr. Rafferty?" "Hey, hey, hey, last night was very special." "There's no need to trash it just because I beat you." "Hey, you know, you need to toughen up a little bit." "If I got bruised by every lawyer I bagged" "I'd living in a padded cell in Bellevue by now." "You finished with these?" "Bagged?" "You actually used the word "bagged"?" "Right on the courthouse steps in the 21st century." "Wow." "And how many have you bagged?" " None." "That's not the point, Mother." " Shh-shh!" "Audrey, look at me." "I don't know why you have developed this inability to admit when you're attracted to someone." "It's not healthy and you know it." "And one day, I promise you you will wake up with a wedding ring on your finger and you will be the happiest person in the world to be married." "I am not attracted to him." "I just hate that dealing with him had to get so low down." "You decided to practice divorce law." "At what point did you think it was going to get really classy?" "The new Serenas." "Who?" "Serena, the hottest new designer out there." " Never heard of her." " Of course you have." " She's married to Thorne Jamison." " Who?" "He's the lead singer of the Needles." "Honey, he just signed a huge recording contract... 80 zillion or something." "Oh, Serena." "She understands the last thing to go on a woman are her shoulders." "She's bound to win the Nobel Prize." "At least." "Focus, Audrey, focus!" "Well, actually Mr. Harrison said I inspired him to come up with one of his new inventions." "Uh... what's it called?" ""The paperpusher. "" "Huh, did you get a cut of that?" "Uh, no." "No, not at all." "Uh, just winning Gary's case was enough." "Yes, and your courtroom tussles with counselor Audrey Woods are becoming, uh, quite the talk of the town in legal circles." "Well, well, well, what can I say?" "I mean, Audrey Woods is uh..." "Well, she's the finest attorney I've ever met." "Hmm." "I can only aspire to be as clever as her." "Right." "She's uh..." "she's wonderful." " Really wonderful." " Huh?" "And you've just published this book on divorce," ""For Better or Worse:" "A Guide to a Happy Divorce. "" "That's right." " Book?" "Book?" "What book?" "!" " It's got excellent reviews." "When does he write books?" "!" "Outside of New York's biggest divorce trial since Gary Harrison's last April, the case of basketball legend" "Adamo Shandela and his wife Irene... the trial which has two of the city's top divorce pit bulls" "Audrey Woods and Daniel Rafferty against each other once again." "Now the verdict has just been handed down." "Wait a minute, I'm told he's on his way out." "Adamo, how does it feel to have the verdict go your way?" "Well, I just feel lucky to have the best lawyer in New York on my side, you know what I'm saying?" "Ms. Woods, in a case that's had to reveal so much indelicate information about the petitioner's private life, you've really been commended on your aboveboard tactics." "It's all about doing your homework, researching every aspect of the law, burning the midnight oil..." "you have to be prepared for anything." "You know, if it's one thing that I've learned, it's don't get caught in court with your pants down." "Ah, that's good." "Objection, Your Honor." "Counsel is, as usual, making assumptions." "Overruled, Ms. Woods!" "Opposing counsel is clearly kidding herself if she believes..." "Irrelevant, Mr. Rafferty." "Full documentation here, Your Honor." "Everything you need to know." "Videotapes are irrelevant, Mr. Rafferty." "No room for argument." "Objection, Your Honor." "Counsel is badgering." "Motion denied again, Ms. Woods." "Get off the desk, Mr. Rafferty." "Ms. Woods, this court has absolutely no interest in your opinion of Mr. Rafferty's choice of socks." "Ms. Woods' capacity for alcohol has no relevance to these proceedings." " Bailiff!" " No, clearly you did not," " Counselors!" "Counselors!" " Because... no, no..." "If I want to sit through personal attacks, yelling, screaming foul language, bickering, I'll spend the afternoon with my family in Scarsdale, understand?" "Yes, Your Honor." "It may be cool though, especially from Boston northward here, across parts of Maine... and throughout portions of New England." "Only 52 in Burlington, 51 in..." "It's Audrey." "I'm not here right now, so leave a message." "Even if I was here, I wouldn't take calls from you." "We both know that's not true." "Listen, I'm sorry to bother you, but it's really overcast downtown here and I thought you just might have an inside track from the Weather Channel, you know, and what time it's gonna start raining." "Okay." "Look, if you want me to leave you alone, I will." "But for the record I think it's a great shame." "So... take care." " Hello?" " Oh, you are there." "Yeah, I just picked up the phone to tell you to leave me alone." "I just said I was going to leave you alone." "I know, I'm just telling you that I want you to." "You don't mean that." " Trust me." " On the first bit or the second bit?" " Both." " I'm confused." " What about?" " I'm not sure." "Perhaps you could send me a tape of this." "Don't be ridiculous." " Have dinner with me." " I'm not hungry." " I didn't mean right now." " Well, neither did I." "Honey!" "I have to go." "So this is how you're spending Saturday night, eating junk food and watching the Weather Channel?" "I have tickets to Thorne Jamison and the Needles." " Let's go." " To a rock concert?" "Sex, drugs and rock and roll is your thing, Mom, not mine." "# Get ready to roll back the dice #" "# Freddy's burning up in Satan's Fahrenheit #" "# Crash landing from a snowball parasite #" "# Television is the Devil's chosen fun #" " # Ohhh # - # Singing at the moon #" "# Seaside pleasure and all that shagging around #" "# Fall into your head, she said what she said #" "# Get ready to roll back the dice #" "# Fall out of your bed, we'll wake up the dead #" "# Get ready to roll back the dice. #" "Oh my God, I think I'm deaf." "Hey, are you all right?" "Do you want to tell me about it?" "He's an asshole." "I hate him." "He screws everything." "If I don't divorce him, I'm gonna kill him!" "Ugh!" "Listen, can I give you some advice?" "You're very young." "Relationships take work, and... and lots of couples go through rough patches." "And there's always a way to get through them." "You know, divorce should be a last resort." "This is something I know a little bit about." "You're wearing my blouse wrong." "It should be worn off the shoulder." "You have nice shoulders." "Are you Serena?" " So your husband is..." " The fathead on stage?" "Yeah." "Let me give you my card." "I just want you to know, Mrs. Jamison," "That if you should choose Katz, Cohen  Phelps," "I take care of my clients." "We are considered the Tiffany's of New York law firms." "Yeah, well, I wish it was Home Depot so you could rip his heart out with a chainsaw." "Well, there's that approach too." "Here's to Audrey and her new client Serena, and all the money she's going to bring in to the company." " No, it's not definite yet." " It's not definite yet." "The gentleman asked me to send you this." "Thank you." "What in God's name is that?" " You've never had a goat's nut?" " I can't say that I have." "Hey, man, what's going on?" "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "Do you think that's really a goat's nut in there?" "Oh, Ms. Woods, look at that." "Uh, I see you're celebrating over there." "Would you like to join us?" "Ah, I just wanted to say hello to Serena." "Well, you're a fan." "Well, who isn't?" "Uh, Serena, Audrey Woods." "Serena's my new client." " Sadly, she's getting a divorce." " Yes, I know." "Oh, you do?" "Oh well, I guess these things hit the papers." "No, I know, because up until 30 seconds ago" "I thought she was going to hire me to represent her." " What?" " That's a good look, counselor." "Did you practice that in the mirror?" "Hey, I decided to use someone else." "Thing is, in the meetin' you were all up in that" ""high road, let's keep it clean, no need to get ugly" stuff." "Then I read his book." "Danny's what I want." "He'll cut Thorne's balls off and give 'em back as earrings." "But in all fairness, uh, Serena, it should be noted that Ms. Woods is very capable of cutting men's balls off." "All right." "Sorry, that came out all wrong." "Um, just so you know, the jacket wasn't designed to be worn with a belt." "Okay." "I'll be right back." "You stole Serena to spite me." "Come on in." "Cubicle 2 is free, I believe." "I didn't steal anything." "She read my book and came to me, I mean it." "I don't think you mean anything you say." "Well, that, I'm afraid, is gonna have to remain your problem." "But..." "I don't lie." "I don't approve of it." "When have I ever lied to you?" "Well, let me tell you something, buddy," "If you are taking this case to mess with me, things are gonna get really ugly." "Uglier than this?" "And let me tell you something, if I may... if you were able to turn down your self-serving paranoia to a gentle simmer for a brief moment, you might just discover that you and I could actually co-exist quite successfully." "And I don't mean only professionally." "Don't forget to wash your hands." "What, are you..." "going for a world record?" "Hello, girls." " All right, form in a queue." " Take this, take this." "I'm sure I can fit you all in." "What's your name, my little girl?" " Cindy." "Hey, sign it." " Yeah?" "I had a dog called that once." "And how long have you been a "Thornehead"?" "Forever." " I love you, Thorne!" " Yeah, I love you too, babe." "See this, Barry." "I've got classy fans too." "And uh..." "what might you want?" "I want you." "Ooh, chihuahua!" "Nice opening line." "I like it." "Direct, no BS..." "just how I like it." "Mmm." "Okay, tell me what we're working with, doll face." "Okay, this is what we're working with, doll face." "You've got a devoted, hardworking wife at home, and yet you cheat, lie, and blow all your money on strippers and whores." "You finally abandoned her, leaving her no option but to file for divorce." "That's the opposing counsel's opening line." "Direct, no BS..." "just the way you like it." "And your wife has just hired the second best divorce attorney in New York city to deliver it." "Now you need someone to tell your side of the story, no matter how sordid, and make you seem like strawberry shortcake." "I like strawberry shortcake, and I like your style." "Do you know what I think?" "I think we should continue this conversation... back at my place." " You know what I think?" " What?" "I think you should leave the thinking to me." "Right." "Pain?" "I'll cause her so much pain she'll wish she never..." "Before I came along, the only business decision he ever made was whether to pay a hooker with cash or credit." "...the purpose of a settlement hearing is to avoid..." "You should advise your client that documentable threats of violence..." " makes my job so much easier." " Threats, my ass!" "Can we skip to the part where you cut his balls off?" "!" "If we could convince Ms. Woods to go through the motions of discussing assets." "Assets?" "She doesn't have any." "I'm the one who spits up all the money for those dish rags she sells." "Dish rags?" "Tell that to Nicole Kidman." "She wore my dishrags to the Oscars, okay?" "!" "Nyah, nyah, nyah..." "I'm sure that Mr. Rafferty will agree that we'll not get anywhere without a degree of consideration from all parties." "Consideration from him?" "I'm his Goddamn wife." "And he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me that he got a skull and cross bones pierced through the tip of his..." " I have enough." " I'm good." "Mmm." "Look, forget it, okay?" "I'm not interested in his money." "I make a good living." "There's only one thing I want." " Uh-huh, and what is that?" " Caisleán and Clocha." "Oh, yes, I remember seeing that somewhere." "What is it?" "It's the most magical place on earth." " Mmm." " It's our castle in Ireland." "It's my fairytale castle." "# It's summer now, the kids are back inside #" "# Gotta ticket for a... #" "Ha-ha." "And in here, this is the... stay." " This is where we like to rehearse..." " Stay." "Ha-ha." "Jam with the boys in the band." "This is where I like to play with my fruit machines." "Feeling lucky." "Feeling lucky!" "Ahh." "Uh, gold, gold, gold, gold, silver." "Who's is that?" "That's not mine." "Billy!" "I hadn't become my true self at that point." "I was still a bit... stupid." "And it's got like 100 bedrooms." "I don't know, maybe even less." "Serena uses one for her hobbies and shit... she likes to sew stuff." "Oh, here she is." "I love him, I love him, I love him!" " Isn't she great?" " He's all mine!" "He's all mine!" "She may have been on drugs at that point." " Nah, just you, baby." " You might be able to use that." "Oh, and come and see my wheels." "Billy!" "Okay, that was good." "So this is what you want?" "Kezzlin and Kloik." "Clocha." "Caisleán Clocha." "Right." "So this is what you want?" "Yeah." "It means "castle of rock. "" "I mean, how many more... appropriate can you get, you know?" "Uh, when I found that out, I had to have it, right?" "And it was your decision to buy, uh, Cais..." "Caisl..." "Le Cle..." "the castle... the rock castle?" "Hell yes." "All right." "I told Thorne "we have to live here. "" "So it was your decision to buy it?" "I called the realtor right away, yeah." "Hello?" "Oh, hello, counselor." "Yes, I may have good news too." "Well, it looks as though this thing might end amicably after all." "Yes." "We're in serious danger of peace breaking out." "Which will make me very happy indeed." "Me too." " Anyway, I have spoken to my client." " So have I." " She only wants the..." " He only wants..." " She only wants the..." " He only wants the..." "Go to Ireland, depose the staff at the castle," " and we'll sort this out." " Yes, Your Honor." "Oh, I see." "You're after hiring a car." "That's why I'm here, Mr. O'Callaghan." "Oh, well, you've come to the right place." "Good." "Only see, thing is, we're not open on a Tuesday." "Sorry?" "Yeah, see, I'm not here on a Tuesday." "I know, I know what you're thinking." "If I'm not here on a Tuesday and we're not open on a Tuesday and today is Tuesday and I'm standing here, then how can it be?" "Well now, it all depends on how you look at it." "You see, normally..." "See, if it's Tuesday, and I'm not there even though it's Tuesday, come back sometime when it's not Tuesday." "Hey!" "Excuse me!" "Thank you so much." "Could you please..." "Where did you get this Goddamn thing?" "Top of the mornin' to you." "Caisleán Clocha, is it?" "Hop in." "In there?" "With you?" "Oh, okay." "Well, it's really not that far." "I mean, you just carry on straight down this road here." "After about, oh, eight miles you'll see a signpost for the Devil's Staircase and uh... well, apparently the castle is just the other side." "So, where did you get it?" "Uh, Mr. O'Callaghan back in the village." "He's not open on a Tuesday." "No, I borrowed this from Mr. O'Callaghan the butcher down the road." "He's Mr. O'Callaghan, the car hire man's, Uncle." " And you see, every Tuesday..." " I don't want to know." "Oh, it's beautiful." "If you can touch the horizon you're near your journey's end." "James Joyce?" "No, my uncle Clive." "But equally profound, wouldn't you say?" "Well, that spoiled it for me." "What am I going to tell Mr. O'Callaghan?" "Isn't fog the most incredible natural phenomenon?" "See, in rocky areas like this, the temperature of the rocks in the daytime is much cooler than the earth so... what happens..." "Weather Channel." " It is now midnight." " Look, look." "I know we're a bit lost, I admit that, but we're very close." "We're very close, I can smell it." " See, I think if..." " Wait a second." " What?" " Look, over here." "There's some old trailer." "Ohh." "Oh my God!" "I think we've landed on our feet." "See if you can get some light going." "Oh yeah, then I'll run your bath and get dinner on." "Hey, listen, we're in this together." "We're a team, okay?" "Yeah, for now." "Whoo, it stinks!" "There we go." "Well, all in all, I think we've done quite well." "We?" "Hey, listen, I got the light going, didn't I?" "Oh yeah, forgive me." "I don't know what I would have done without you." "Actually, I don't know how you do it." "You write books, you appear on TV, you perform your stand up routine in court." "Are you taking your clothes off?" "Well, just... just..." "just the bottoms." "I mean, you know, they're covered in slime." "Ugh!" "Why did I do that?" "And in your spare time, you work for the Irish Tourist Board." " And your point is?" " I was doing fine on my own." "Oh, come on, let's be honest." "You were lost until I came along." "Oh, slightly metaphorical." "Anyway, come on." "Lie down." "You look tired." "You need to rest." "What, so you can get to Caisleán click before me?" "It's not "click. "" " It's clocha." " Clocha." " Caisleán Clocha." " Kluhh... kuhh." "Clocha... it's not even a word." "What kind of a word is that?" "It's an Irish word." "We're in Ireland." "Learn to adapt." "I can adapt." "I'm very adaptable as a matter of fact." " I'm probably more adaptable than you." " Oh." " And a word of advice." " Yes?" "Never tell a woman she looks tired." "Boy, you just summed yourself up in one sentence." "All-consuming, competitive spirit meets rampant insecurity." "Now why... why would someone as accomplished and as clever as you be so insecure, hmm?" "I'll tell you what, you spend your teenage years as the pimply, gangly daughter of the most beautiful woman in the world, and get back to me." "You better not leave me." "Never." "Oh." "Oh my Lord." " We were this close?" " Uh-huh." "The hell with Thorne and Serena." "I want it." "Well, duty calls." "Yep." "So you think you can get the servants to back up your claim?" "Well, I guess we'll find out." "I guess we will." "Hello, there." "Welcome to Caisleán Clocha." " Hello, I'm Audrey Woods." " I'm Daniel Rafferty." " I'm representing Mr. Jamison." " I'm representing Mrs. Jamison." "I'm wondering would it be possible to speak to the staff for a moment," " just a little bit?" "... Interview them for a while?" "Ah, would you be the posh lawyers over from America, then?" " Yes." " That's grand." " Well, they all agree with me so far." " Me too." "Brendan, I'm going to need to interview the staff again." "I'm not getting anywhere." "I'm afraid you'll be out of luck there, sir, sure." "They'll all be down at the festival." "It's the village's anniversary." "It celebrates the couple who founded the place nearly 200 years ago." "It's a lovely story." "They were deeply in love but her father didn't approve, so they ran away here and got married in secret." "And every year we have a festival in their honor." "It's very romantic." " Singing and dancing." " Aw, that's nice." "So basically, the old fella didn't like this Scottish knight nailing' his daughter," "Et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah." "So it's basically, a lame excuse for a three-day booze up." "So is it the wild woman of the bogs herself?" "I'd never've recognized ya." "Aye, you're cuttin' a fine figure this evening," "Even if I do say so me-self." "And you look like you're..." "You're wearing... that." " You don't like it?" " No, no, you got kind of a..." ""Lenny Kravitz meets Kiss without the makeup" thing going on." "Never too old to rock and roll, huh?" "You heard the story of this place?" "Yeah, it's all little elves and leprechauns for me." "Oh." "Well, I thought it was rather charming." "There you go." " Oh, what's this?" " Oh, it looks like poteen." " "Poo" what?" " It's not "poo. "" "It's puh, puh..." ""puh-cheen. "" "It's a traditional irish drink, slightly illegal." " It's like moonshine." " Oh, so that's Gaelic for "goats nut. "" "Cheers." "Ah!" "I was right." "It is poo." "Could I have the pleasure of this dance with you, miss?" " Oh, you know what, I can't..." " Oh, she'd love to." " And I'm working." " Go on." "Go on." " I'm working!" " You'll soon pick it up." "I'm working here." "No!" "Make sure to keep those legs up." "Whoo!" "Come on." "You, come on." "No, no, you go." "Are you dancing?" "No, I'm not." "No, madam, I'm not." "I'm slightly indisposed." "My ankle and stuff like this." " I'd love to, but..." " Oh, don't be so soft." " No!" " Get yourself up here." "Bejesus, you're a wholesome strap of a woman." "Are you married?" "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "Ho-ho!" "I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?" "Come on, honey, let's go." "I'm serious this time." " I'm sorry." " Let's go." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Oh, lovely." "Lovely." "Fine." "Here you go." "Thanks!" "All right!" "Here you go, a drink for the little guy." "Cheers!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please take your places at the wedding circle." "The vows you have taken are holy and binding." "You've exchanged rings as a token of your eternal love." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Aww..." "That's beautiful." "It's a lovely story." "They were deeply in love, so they ran away here and got married in secret." "It's very romantic." "The vows you have taken are holy and binding." "You've exchanged rings as a token of your eternal love." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Oh my God." "Oh... my..." "God." "Oh." "Ahhhh!" "Okay, okay." "Wake up!" "Wake up!" " Oh, morning." " Wake up!" "Would you please look at your left hand, please?" " What." "Oh." " Please!" "Oh, would you look at that?" "Oh, you got one too." "Daniel, did we get married last night?" "Yes, I have a feeling we did." " The details are a little bit fuzzy," " Oh, oh... but I think the bride was scintillating... in her figure-hugging Serena outfit and... you're not happy." "Do I look happy?" "!" "Well, it's hard to say, I mean, because you never seem to be happy around me and I always seem to make you angry and..." "Oh, oh, oh, it's all coming back." "We got to find the guy that did this and tell him we didn't mean it." " Well, what if I did mean it?" " Of course you didn't." "How could you?" "You don't want to be married to me!" "Mrs. Flanagan!" "Mrs. Flanagan!" "Mrs. Flanagan!" "Oh, Mrs. Flanagan!" " How do you know?" " Anybody up?" "!" "Ugh, I still don't get it." "How can a whole town be off on a Thursday for no apparent reason?" "We're just gonna have to file when we get back to New York, okay?" " It'll be like it never happened." " But it did happen." "What happened is tied to a much larger issue." "Lot's of people get drunk without tying the knot." "I mean, when one's inhibitions are down, one acts on one's true feelings." "Sanderson v. Sanderson..." "Supreme Court, Illinois, 1993." "You're citing case laws to support this insanity?" "We got married last night for goodness sake." "That means something." "Yeah, it means that we drank too much and made a mistake again." " Phooey!" " Hi." "Hi." "We just got married." " Congratulations." " Thank you." " Stop telling people." " She's the first one." "Yeah, but this kind of news spreads." "I'll come back." "Hmm." " Oh my God." " What?" "We can't be married and be opposing counselors." "Why not?" "Can I say something?" "#We'll look ridiculous." "And no you cannot." "Why not?" "We'll be the laughing stock of the New York bar association because you will say something contrary just to be contrary." " Only this is my marriage too." " You see what I mean?" "Oh, my head is thumping." "Ahh!" "Ugh!" "Will you look at that?" "You just broke the little fella's leg right off." "He's legless." "I liked that." "I was going to save that as a souvenir." "Hmm." "I'm sorry, Daniel." "I've known you for 35 years." "Alcohol has a very bad effect on you." "You get hyper, you get aggressive, you get married." "No one at the office can know, so I have to research whatever legal system" "County Clare operates under." "Well, why don't you just file here if that's what you want?" "Oh, that's a great idea." "It'll take the press exactly two seconds to find out that I got drunk and married and divorced in 24 hours." "Given my vast experience with divorce... and it is vast... my guess is that there's a lot of wiggle room." "Hell, you could probably get it annulled as long as you didn't... never mind." "I have to start wiggling first thing in the morning." "Mm-hmm." "Mother, what is this?" "Oh, the girls and I are having a lip party later." "You can join us if you like." "David takes fat out of our butts and injects it into our lips." "That gives a whole new meaning to "talking outta your ass. "" "Hello?" "Better pick up the New York Post" " before you file for divorce." "Page 6." " What?" "!" "Off to get one of these?" "Why did you tell them this?" "Are you crazy?" "You think I did that?" "Why would I do that, when you made it abundantly clear that being married was the last thing you wanted to be, especially to me?" " Can I?" " What are you doing?" "I'm calling The Post to tell them they made a mistake." "Daniel..." "Or that we made a mistake." "Which should I say?" "No, no, no, put... put the... please, please, please, put the phone down." "L..." "I'm n..." "I'm not trying to be hurtful here." "Just bear with me for a minute, okay?" " Trust me." " Mm-hmm." "In the way that you trust me?" "Okay, listen." "We got married whether we like it or not." "And it seems that it was, if nothing else, a little impulsive." "Personally, I blame the "poo" drink." "Now we're back in New York, and on opposite sides of a major case," "So whatever we may or may not do in the future in the short term..." " I agree." " What?" "I agree." "It's the only thing we can do... in the short term." "I haven't said what I was going to say." "You were going to say that we have to appear married or we will seriously screw up our careers." "So... that only leaves one question, doesn't it?" "Forgive me if I get emotional, but this is the day every mother dreams of... the day she gets to watch her only daughter put a lock on the bedroom door to keep her husband out." "Oh, stop it, Mother." "It may have been a wedding, but it is not a marriage." "Hi, I'm the husband." "Hi, I'm the mother." " Oh." " Mmm?" "Uh, this is your room." "I made some room in the closet even though it looks like you never hang anything up." "Hmm." "Bathroom's through there." "Oh, she's back to her old self." "That seems promising." "I told you darling, we don't need separate bedrooms." "I don't mind you snoring." "Can I use the kitchen?" "He cooks." "You never told me he cooks." "Yes, well, it's been a strange couple of days." "I'm sure she'll come around, don't worry." "Shouldn't I be saying that to you?" "Yes, oh, I've enjoyed reading about you in the society pages." "Are you, uh, really 56?" " Parts of me are." " Ah." " Would you like a cocktail?" " Oh, yes, please." " Mmm." " Only if it's an extremely large one." "Okay." "I made brownies." "I've given up sugar." "It was a crutch." " What?" " Is that what you're wearing?" " What's the matter with it?" " Nothing, nothing." "It... it just needs... something." "We're married, remember?" "We have to make it look like we mean it... even if we don't." "Let me." "Well, say something." "Uh... um... did you get yourself one too?" " You want me to do it or you?" " Uh... eh..." "I can do it." "There, now we can fool anyone, eh?" "I guess." "All right, all right!" "Quiet back there!" "I can't hear you!" "I can't hear you!" "You pussy!" " Here you go." " Oh, thanks." "You're welcome." "Just shut up." "Why can't you shut up and listen?" "Why can't you fall under a snowplow?" "It's summer." "Yeah, I'll buy you one as a parting gift." "...So I looked like 12." "Oh, your mother called earlier." "Hey, I ran into Tracey Abramovitz today." "Oh, Tracey, Tracey." "Four million?" "Aspen?" "Jeez." "...it looks like it is going to cut its way through the mid-Atlantic states." "So later on in the day..." "New York and also around, say, the Stanton area... you may see an isolated shower or thunderstorm." "...still soggy across New England, otherwise high pressure settles into the mid-Atlantic coast and it'll be dry in the morning tomorrow." "New York's shore forecast for today, 75..." "Hmm." "And not only did Serena renovate and decorate..." "Yes, indeed, save Caisleán Clocha... she restored the gardens." "She reached out into the community, single-handedly reviving the ancient textile industry in the area, pumping revenue back into the economy." "Yeah, she was pumping the gardener as well." "Shove it!" "Ms. Woods, if you don't put a muzzle on him..." "Your honor, my client is simply making the point that while he was away working hard to pay for the castle, his wife's activities may not have been entirely altruistic." "If fidelity is at issue here, we can happily produce receipts documenting Mr. Jamison's tour of the world's brothels." "Yeah!" " Nice." " All right, all right!" " Quiet back there!" " Ahh!" "What is the relevance of this?" "I'm suggesting that Mrs. Jamison doesn't deserve to be awarded a $3 million castle simply because she hung some curtains and was popular with the help." "Why not?" "She shouldn't be denied her standard of living, especially when her husband over there forked out four million on a love shack for his mistress in Aspen." "How do you know that?" "I..." "I said don't tell no one about Aspen!" "What about all that lawyer-client crap?" "!" "I will not stand for this behavior in the courtroom." "You don't even know how to ski!" "Just shut it." "I want a divorce." "It was an accident." "I swear." "I was taking out the garbage, the bag broke and then in the middle of the battle..." "I don't believe you." "So... you want a divorce?" "Yes." "So one little hiccup and we give in, eh?" "Just like all the saps we represent?" "Do not throw your take on life and marriage at me like some moral battering ram." "And what about the professional fallout you seem so desperate to avoid?" "Well..." "I'm sorry, I don't believe in divorce." "You don't believe in divorce?" "How can you say that?" " You make your living..." " It's a job!" "But in those miserable couples, what do we see?" " What do we really see?" " Us." "We see us!" " People who have made a huge mistake..." " No, no, no, no!" "We see people who are not willing to fight." "You have to fight for what you believe in." "Fight fair, fight dirty, but fight!" "People who are supposed to fight to save a marriage have to be in a marriage they want to be in!" " I am!" " That's bullshit!" "No, it isn't!" "Let me tell you something." "I'm not in this marriage to save my career," "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't care about my career!" "But I do care about you..." "And so I will give you a divorce, gladly, because..." "call me old fashioned, but when you love someone..." "I believe you should be unselfish enough to give them whatever they want." "I'll be around later to pick up my things." "Hello?" "Mom?" " Hello?" " Hi, Sara, it's Arlene." "Arlene, can I call you back?" "I have Audrey with me." "Darling, you can't live your life trying to avoid the mistakes I've made." "You've got to make your own." "You think I'm making one?" "I don't know what to tell you, honey." "All I know is that I'm running out of favors." "Do you have any idea how hard it is to place an item on page six of the New York Post?" "Oh." "It'll be all right." "I had Thorne Jamison's 12-year-old assistant on the phone this morning." "Don't ask me how she got my private line... it's unlisted." "Anyway, she has informed me that your client will not be appearing in court today, as he has gone back to his castle in Ireland." "Which as you know has not yet been awarded to either party and is, as such, off limits." "Now I'm going to give you 48 hours to get him back here or I'm going to dismiss this case for failure to prosecute." "Are you okay?" "I'm fine." " Oh, welcome back." " Hello, Mrs. Flanagan." "Is Mr. Jamison in?" " Oh my God!" " Oh, no." "Oh my God!" "Are you... oh!" " Get off of me!" " Oh, I uh..." "I" " I'm so sorry." "I thought y-you... you screamed." "Yeah, don't you?" "Nice one, babe." "Yeah, no... well... see, uh, we... we both got here on separate planes and, uh, we were just about to get stuck into tearing the place apart when Mrs. F comes in and says, "Happy Anniversary. "" "Seven years." "You was just a baby, weren't you?" "See, we got married here in the local village." "Anyway, we decided to make it work." " You know, whatever, right?" " Yeah" " You can't give up, right?" " No." "I couldn't agree more." " Audrey." " Hello." "What are you both doing here, anyway?" "I came to tell you you're not legally allowed to be here." "Yeah, but we are." "Yeah, 'cause like we own it." "But, uh, you know, thanks for coming all this way." "Michael!" "You must both stay for some nosh." "Yes, sir?" "Ah, hello there." "If it isn't themselves." "How are you?" "Ah, Michael, uh, will you tell Mrs. Flanagan that we will be two extra for din-dins?" " No problem, sir." " So you work here as well?" "As well as what?" "Being a priest." "Oh, I see!" "Yeah, the old festival." "Ah, no, I just do that for a bit of fun." "I have an ecclesiastical demeanor apparently." "So... you're not a real priest?" "Oh, goodness me, no." "Still, I see you went ahead and did it for real." "I can always tell the ones who will." "Congratulations." "So..." " so that means then..." " Oh, no!" "Oh, God." "Well... the last thing anyone in this room seems to need is a divorce attorney." "I won't stay for supper, if it's all the same to you." "Excuse me." "Well, ah..." "Ah, thanks." "Anyway, uh... both of you have been great." "I" " I-I had no idea the legal system was so deep." "Are you okay?" "No, I don't think so." "Do you know what I think?" "I think you two have had a lover's tiff." "Yeah..." "yeah, we did, kinda." "Yeah, well, you gotta get over it." "You know, you were the one who said you could get through the bad patches, that breaking up was the last resort." "Or something like that." "Yes, I did." "Will you give me a ride?" " Do you know the way?" " Do I know the way?" "I know Ireland like the back of my hand." "Yeah, right." "Along Giant's Pass, through Paddy's Cross, over the bridge, and back to Paddy's Cross." "We're lost." "No, no, no, no, I should have turned right earlier." "Ah, right, I'm all over it." "What time's your flight?" "Hi." "Did the flight for New York leave yet?" "Two minutes ago." "Did Daniel Rafferty check in?" "I'm sorry, we're not allowed to give..." "Please, please, can you just be the guy who breaks the rules, just this once?" "It's really important." " Rafferty, you say?" " Yeah." "Yes, he did." "Were you meant to be with him?" "Yes, I was." "When's the next flight to New York?" "Did you know that 80% of women who say they're too busy to have a relationship, are really lonely?" "And are you?" "I was." "You're always saying that you have to fight to save a marriage and not give in, right?" "Yes." "Do you really believe that?" "Yes, I do... very much." "Why?" "Well... do you want to fight?" "Not only do I have to put up with your bickering, finger pointing, backstabbing and name calling during the week, now you drag me in on the weekend too?" "!" "Anyway, seeing as we're here," "Counselor Woods, I'd like to ask you a question, if I may." "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "Will you love him, keep him, honor him and protect him, and forsaking all others, be loyal only to him?" " I will." " I know what to say." "I'm her mother." "I will." "So will I." "Hey!" "Hey!" "I didn't get to you yet." " Sorry." " What is wrong with you people?" "Do you want to be the only man ever held in contempt at his own wedding?" "No, Your Honor." "Counselor Daniel Rafferty, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "Will you love her..." "With the power invested in me by the state of New York," "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Bye." "Here you go, for old times' sake." "Oh, wow." "How can I refuse?" "You know, you folks may want to close the sunroof." "There's a 79% chance of rain in the next half hour." "I watch the Weather Channel." "# Then that time I went and said goodbye #" "# Oh, now I'm back and not ashamed to cry #" "# Ooh baby, here I am #" "# Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours #" "# Oh yeah, sing it with me #" "# Here I am, baby #" " # Signed, sealed, delivered # - # You've got the future in your hand #" "# Oh yeah, here I am, baby #" " # Signed, sealed, delivered # - # You've got the future in your hand #" "# Oh yeah, I've done a lot of foolish things #" "# That I really didn't mean #" "# Hey, baby #" "# Ohhh, ahhh #" "# I've seen a lot of things in this old world #" "# But when I touch them they did nothing, girl #" "# Ooh baby, here I am #" "# Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours #" "# Ohhh, yeah, yeah #" "# Oo-wee, baby, you set my soul on fire #" "# That's why I know you're my one and only desire #" "# Ooh baby, here I am #" "# Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours #" "# Oh yeah, here I am baby, whoo #" "# Signed, sealed, delivered #" "# You've got the future in your hands #" "# Oh, baby #" "# Here I am, baby #" "# Signed, sealed, delivered #" "# You've got the future in your hands #" "# Oh, oh, yeah #" "# I've done a lot of foolish things #" "# That I really didn't mean #" "# I could be a broken man #" "# But here I am #" "# Now here I am, baby, whoo #" " # Signed, sealed, delivered # - # Here I am, baby #" "# Ohh, yeah #" "# Here I am, baby #" "# Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours. #" "# Dead summer now, the kids are back inside #" "# Get a ticket for a sock and puppet ride #" "# Second nature to a mother's only son #" "# Whoaa-ohh #" "# Freddy's burning up in Satan's Fahrenheit #" "# Crash landing from a snowball parasite #" "# Television is the Devil's chosen fun #" "# Whoaa-ohh #" "# Now you're out of tune #" "# Whoaa-ohh #" "# Singing at the moon #" "# Seaside pleasure and all that shagging around #" "# Fall into your head, she said what she said #" "# Get ready to roll back the dice. #"