"I am so excited for book club!" "Oh, I've been looking forward to this for weeks." "Oh, me too." "I haven't seen you in forever." "I had to go through your mail to see what's going on with you." "That was a joke." "I hope so, because I'm missing a Redbook." "My mother-in-laws birthday is coming up and I need those perfume samples." "So, I was thinking about who I would haunt if I was a ghost, and I think..." "Ohh, ayou ladies having wine club?" "I would love some." "[Laughs]" "Tha..." "That was my glass." "Oh, uh, we have more of these bad boys in the kitchen just to the left of the fridge." "O...kay." "Um..." "Can I..." "Or not." "Okay." "Yeah, all right." "Cheers. [Chuckles]" "Sorry about last night." "I guess Louis was feeling chatty." "Oh, I thought his idea for a wide-mouth gas-pump nozzle was interesting." "[Chuckles]" "Oh, yesterday you were telling me about who you would haunt." "[Gasps] Yes." "Okay, so, you know that female traffic cop that's across the street from the park?" "[Door opens] Louis:" "Knock, knock!" " With the..." " The kids said you were here, and I thought you might like some snacks from the restaurant." "Oh!" "See this?" "This is about half the diameter of that nozzle we were talking about last night." "Mmm." "Doesn't it feel a little weird hiding from your husband like this?" "Here we go." "Louis is great, but ever since he stopped staying late to close the restaurant, he's just been around a lot more." "And sometimes you just want girl time." "Mm-hmm." "So, ghost, haunting, go." "Louis:" "There you are!" "[Laughs]" "Marvin told me where you two were, and I felt bad about drinking all of your wine, so..." "Ah. [Laughs]" "Sorry, chief." "No pocket wine." "How did you get that past our bouncer?" "It wasn't easy." "She's got a meaty frisk." "That's Barb." "If I was a ghost, I would haunt the female traffic attendant, which would cause an accident, creating more ghosts!" "Thank you." "That's all I wanted to know." "S02E15 Keep 'em Separated" "♪ Fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪" "♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪" "♪ Fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪" "♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪" "♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪" "Just so we're clear, once again, what are the closing procedures?" "Turn off the ovens, comb the bear, and make sure I lock the door after I leave." "Good." "Also, you don't have to comb the bear." "We'll see." "[Sighs]" "The one place Louis won't go after work is work." "[Laughs]" "Was Louis always so, um, "present" back in D.C.?" "No." "If he had any free time, he'd just shoot pool with his buddy Hank." "They would hang out and talk about whatever guys talk about." "For me, the Pomeranian is the unsung hero of the toy dog group." "I'm sorry, are we in a pool hall or a fool hall, 'cause that is ridiculous." "I don't get it." "It seems like Louis has tons of friends here." "He's friendly with a lot of people, but he doesn't have a close friend to hang out with." "Maybe if Louis gets back into playing pool, then he can find someone not us to hang out with." "Maybe he just needs a little nudge." "Surprise!" "Black Ball Becky!" "Got her out of the garage." "Had her re-tipped for you." "[Whistles] Look at that nub." "Is that a bo staff?" "No, son." "This is a different kind of weapon." "A two-piece, low-deflection, maple-shaft pool cue." "Remember how much fun you used to have playing with Hank?" " Oh, we did have fun." " Yeah." "You know, they used to call me "Louie Short Pockets."" "Because you were poor?" "No." "Because I was accurate." "You should get back out there." "Oh, I can't." "I'm too busy with work." "Oh, the restaurant is doing fine on its own." "And you seem to have more free time." "I don't have anyone to play with." "Just go down to the pool hall." "I'm sure you'll meet somebody there." "Where?" "I don't even..." "There's Rack n' Roll on Orange, Cue-Tips on Third, and downtown there's Stars and Stripes and Solids, though the ad in the phone book said "no foreigners,"" "so maybe not that one." "Oh, and there's turn-by-turn directions on the back." "Oh." "[Chuckles]" "[School bell rings]" "All the ladies in here are fully clothed." "Hey, you see Whitney in your mailbox, you grab her and go." "I get it." "She's like your Mario Van Peebles." "I got to go." "Bye." "You guys hear the news?" "Nicole and Hot Chris broke up." "Hasta la vista, baby." "Schwarzenegger?" "I've heard that impression before." "No." "Hasta la vista, baby." "Like, for eva." "Oh, daaamn!" "That's how he broke up with her?" ""T-2"?" "That's cold." "So, Eddie, is it cool if I take a run at Nicole?" "What?" "Why are you asking me?" "Well, you used to have a crush on her, and I wouldn't want it to be weird." "Yeah, that's why it'd be weird." "Take your dark cloud somewhere else, Brian!" "Hey, man, you do your thing." "Me and Nicole are just friends now." "Nicole:" "Hey." "You want these Jerky Boys CDs?" "They were dumb-ass Chris'." "Sorry you guys broke up." "Yeah." "Sorry." "It's fine." "My dad said he liked him, so I was starting to lose interest." "You want to sit with us?" "Yeah." "Sit." "Nah." "I'm gonna take a "half day," if you know what I mean." "Yeah." "Like half a full day." "Maybe we can grab some ice cream later this week?" " That'd be nice." " Yes!" "Not you, pumpkin head." "The dance begins." "[Rock music playing]" ""Stay out as late as you ca... want." "Jessica." "P.S. We're out of eggs."" "Hey." "You lookin' for a game?" "Yeah." "Hey, Tony!" "Fresh meat!" "They call me Louie Short Pock..." "You win a game, then you can tell me your name." "Can I tell you her name?" " No." " It's Black Ball Becky." "Okay, rack 'em up!" "[Video game music plays]" "So, I was thinking about you getting ice cream with Nicole." "Won't Alison be mad?" "Why would she be?" "'Cause Nicole's single now." "Chicks can't have their men hanging out with single chicks." "I saw that on "Maury Povich."" "Alison wouldn't care." "She was fine with Whitney Houston." "First of all, Whitney's unattainable." "She's married to Bobby Brown." "Second, you used to have a hard crush on Nicole." "Alison doesn't know about that." "And pause." "You never told Alison about Nicole?" "No." "It just..." "I don't know." "It..." "It didn't come up." "It didn't... come... up." "[Sighs]" " Well, you better hope she doesn't..." " Unpause!" "You're playing cheap, dude!" "Cheap as the toilet paper in your house." "For me, it's Denzel in "Glory."" "I like a man with a musket." "Gene Hackman in "Hoosiers."" " Mm." " What can I say?" "I like 'em old and cranky with a checkered past." "Oh, hey!" "How was the pool hall?" "Great!" "Cheap beer, nonstop Thorogood on the jukebox, the smell of Camel Lights and desperation!" "You were smoking?" "No, but I was smoked on." "It was great!" "Me and Tony held the table for nine straight games." "No one wanted play us anymore, so we're gonna hit a new pool hall." "Figured I'd drop off the eggs." "I also picked us up an "Archie Digest" for the bathroom." "Jughead starts a business. [Chuckles]" "Okay, bye." "Don't wait up!" "Hey, we won't." "You boys have fun!" "Boys?" "No, Tony's a woman." "[Door opens, closes]" "It..." "Ah, oh, I'm just gonna top you off here." "[Inhales] There we go." "Louis is hanging out with another woman?" "!" "You're overreacting." "It's fine." "_" "_" "_" "[Door closes]" "It is inappropriate for an adult to have a friend of the opposite sex." "My parents never had that." "Can you imagine my mom saying," ""Travis and I are going to the movies"?" " Who's Travis?" " There is no Travis." " That's the point!" " Jessica, it's the '90s." "It's normal to have friends of the opposite sex." "In..." "In fact, Marvin and I were friends for months before..." "We got to see this bitch." "[School bell rings]" "[Children shouting]" "I don't get it." "Why don't you just tell Alison that you used to have a crush on Nicole?" "It's too late." "I should've told her before." "Now it's gonna seem like I'm hiding something." "What if they run into each other?" "Nicole's in the 8th grade." "That's a different hallway." "Yeah, what about the cafeteria?" "Or the tetherball court?" "And let's not forget a little place called the girls' bathroom." "I heard there's a couch in there." "What am I gonna do?" "!" "Eddie, look, all we got to do is..." "We gotta keep 'em separated." "You know, like the song?" "Huge song." "Millions sold." "[Alannah Myles' "Black Velvet" playing]" "There she is." "♪ Mississippi in the middle of a dry spell ♪" "♪ Jimmy Rogers on the Victrola up high ♪" "♪ Mama's dancin' with baby on her shoulder ♪" "♪ The boy could sing, knew how to move, everything ♪" "Okay, so, she may be attractive, but everything is sexy to this song." "♪ Black velvet and that little boy's smile ♪" "♪ Black velvet with that slow Southern style ♪" "♪ A new religion that'll bring ya to your knees ♪" "See what I mean..." "Hey, Short Pockets." "Hey, Jessica." "What are you doing here?" "This must be Tony." "Why did your parents name you that?" "That's a man's name." "It's very misleading." " It's short for Antonia." " How convenient." "You must be Jessica, Louis' wife." "He's told me so much about you." "Oh, really?" "Did he mention my gender?" "Do you just hang around pool halls hoping to meet men?" "No, I just love playing pool, and most people who play are men." "It's more like I hang around men trying to pick up pool halls." "[Laughs] [Chuckles]" "You have no power here, witch." "Excuse me?" "You heard me, demon." "Come on, Louis." "Let's go." "Uh, Jessica, we're in the middle of a game." "If we win, we get a free basket of chicken wings, and I made a big show out of pre-ordering extra ranch." "Oh, it's an emergency." "Mitch locked himself in the restaurant again." "What?" "Ugh!" "Of course he did." "Oh, I'm a locksmith." "Is there something I could do to help?" "No." "Uh, thank you." "We don't need it." "Okay." "Whew, that was tough." "But it worked." "We kept Alison and Nicole apart all day." "I thought they were gonna talk in the lunch line." "But luckily Trent stepped in with a distraction." "That's the great thing about this baby." "I can turn it on and off at will." ""Trent, it's time for church!"" "Oh, yeah?" "Thanks for your help, guys." "Now we just need to keep it up until Nicole graduates." "Hopefully." "Don't wipe off the rouge yet, boys." "Looks like we've got a second show." " What?" " They're talking right outside." "Oh, no." "They're about to fight!" "Alison:" "Get out of here!" "No, seriously, they were only seven bucks at Claire's Boutique." "Go ahead and borrow them." "Really?" "Okay, then here, I have to return the favor." "Thank you." "I'm so excited to wear them." "What's happening?" "Walter, narrate!" "So, long story short, you can't make raising bread in the microwave." "Uh-huh." "So, I was hanging by the buses today and I saw you talking with Nicole." "Oh." "Yeah, we met on the couch in the bathroom." "She said she liked my backpack, and we started talking." "So, uh, no big surprises or anything?" "Um... no big reveals?" "No, nothing like that." "She was just really cool." "I totally get why you had a crush on her." "Whaaaat?" "It's cool." "She's badass!" "Wait, so you're not mad?" "Fart no!" "You and I are good." "Besides, that was before we even knew each other." "We don't care about old crushes." "[Sighs] Of course we don't!" "That's what I'm sayin'." "It's like how you don't care about my old crush on Dave." "Dave who?" "Dave." "Your best friend Dave?" "I saw him feeding a squirrel once and thought it was cute." "Alison's dad:" "Alison!" "Chili bar's ready!" "You better get those chives before your brother dives in!" "Oh, man, I got to go." "I'll talk to you tomorrow!" "[Dial tone]" "I checked all of Mitch's hiding spots." "He's nowhere." "Although he obviously combed the bear." "He left a pick in its haunches." "Okay, I lied about Mitch to get you out of that pool hall." "What?" "You're the one who told me to go there in the first place!" "Yes, because I thought you were going to meet a guy friend!" "So I can't be friends with a woman?" "That's ridiculous." "I'm around women all day here." "That's different." "That's during the day, at work." "So I can never be around a woman outside of work?" "That's not what I'm saying." "That would be crazy." "All I am saying is if you're going to hang out with a woman, it has to be when the sun is up." "And she can't be taller than me." "Or younger than me." "Or weigh less than me." "Or look like she weighs less than me." "Also, you can't share food." "Okay, I guess if you're stranded and you have to share food, then clear soups or broths only." "And you will display your wedding band close to your face at all times." "Photos of your children must be present if they themselves cannot be." "If she happens to touch you, even if by accident, you will excuse yourself and call me immediately." "If she has smoky eye makeup, that is bad." "If she has a lazy eye, that's good." "Jessica..." "You must always travel in separate vehicles." "Going back, lazy eye is out." "It encourages eye contact." "And she must never have ever been or even wanted to be a gymnast." "Oh, and this goes without saying, but no Denzel movies." "I have no interest in Tony other than playing pool." "That's how it starts, though, that connection." "I've fallen asleep during enough Meg Ryan movies." "So what do you want me to do, then?" "You want me to give up pool?" "Is that it?" "I want you to get a different partner." "Who do you suggest?" "[ZZ Top's "La Grange" playing]" "♪ I'm ready for that ♪" "♪ A-haw, haw, haw, haw ♪" "♪ A-haw, haw, haw, haw ♪" "♪ Well, I hear it's fine ♪" "♪ If you've got... ♪" "Need to see I.D." "Oh, sure." "It's just in my purse." "♪ Well, I hear it's fine ♪" "♪ If you've got the time ♪" "♪ And the ten to get yourself in ♪" "♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm ♪" "What do I do?" "Just lean in and aim for the white ball." "Oh!" "I can't move in these leather pants." "It's like two snakes are eating my legs." "Well, at least you had me run out to the car and get your emergency Keds from the trunk." "No spare tire, but eight pairs of Keds." "Rematch!" "No." "We have to wait to play again." "There are four stacks of quarters ahead of us, so..." "Hey, who took my quarters?" "I thought they were for the jukebox." "[Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby" playing]" "Hey, who put this crap on?" "He'll come around." "Amy Grant works from the inside out." "♪ To love you with the sweetest devotion ♪" "What do you guys know about Dave?" "What do you mean?" "We hang out with him every day." "No, I mean, what do we really know?" "Can we trust him?" "He fed my cat for a week when we went skiing." "Like that deadbeat-dad angle he always plays up..." "How do we know it's even real?" "Anyone can cry on Father's Day." "Trent, you better pick up my homework, 'cause I'm about to get suspended." "Hey." "Am I interrupting?" "I was just telling Alison about how..." "You had that thing for Jasmine from "Aladdin"?" "Hey, I told you that in private!" "I just think she's symmetrical." "You know, I don't think this is a good idea, you two hanging out." " Why not?" " Eddie." "Fun fact, Alison..." "That squirrel you saw Dave pet?" "It actually bit him, and he's been trying to trap it ever since." "That's what this whole thing is." "Too bad you didn't make a Dad trap, huh, Dave?" "Now who's playing cheap, man?" "That was really mean, Eddie." "Dave didn't do anything to you." "He's your best friend." "Hey, Eddie, are we still on for ice cream tomorrow?" "Um..." "You freaked out about Dave, but it's okay for you guys to hang out?" "Hey, Nicole, cute sweater." "Thanks, girl." "Ned, what are you doing here?" "I stay here." "Ned knows drama." "♪ Baby, baby, I'm taken... ♪" "How many times did you play this song?" "They love it at the Denim Turtle." "Listen, why don't we just go?" "No, you want to play pool, let's play pool." "[Sighs]" "Okay." "Hit the ball at the triangle and sink as many balls as you can." "[Pool balls clack]" "And that means we lost." "Now we have to wait again." "Pool is so boring." "It's so much standing around." "It's worse than baseball." "Well, there's usually some good conversation to pass the time." "Like what?" "What was so fun that you and Tony talked about?" "Hey, pretend I'm your pool buddy Jess." "See?" "Nobody can tell my gender, either." "All right, we were debating who'd win in a fight..." "A Cabbage Patch Kid possessed by a demon or Teddy Ruxpin with a Metallica tape in him?" "Teddy Ruxpin?" "Is that the little guy from "Twins"?" " No." " What was the fight about?" "Was it a money issue?" "Most fights are." "I don't know." "They're just fighting." "This is what you talk about?" "It's so dumb." "That's the point!" "We talk about whatever." "Like when you and Honey hang out." "Honey and I do not talk about dumb things." "We talk about who we would haunt if we were ghosts or which vegetable would make the best weapon, or we talk about if one of us turned into an animal, how would we get the other one's attention..." "You know what?" "I get it." "I see your point." "Louis. [Sighs]" "I was almost not right." "I shouldn't keep you from talking to somebody about dumb things." "I don't want to be that person." "You mean the "wet blanket" wife?" "No, I mean the person you talk to about dumb things." "[Chuckles]" "You have nothing to worry about." "Trust me." "I do." "So it's okay if I play pool with her?" "Yes." "Mm." "I just have one request." "[Up-tempo song plays]" "Choco Taco?" "I thought you were getting ice cream with Nicole." "I wanted to say sorry about before." "Alison told me she used to have a crush on you, and I got jealous." "Wait." "Alison used to have a crush on me?" "You're a good dude." "Anyways, I just went nuts, and I can't explain it." "I guess I still can't believe Alison really likes me." "I can." "You're a good dude, too." "Maybe one day you and Alison and me and Jasmine could double-date." "I'd like that." "Well, I mean, it really depends what Metallica tape we're talking about," ""Master of Puppets" or "Ride the Lightning"?" ""Master of Puppets," obviously." "I mean, he is a talking bear." "[Laughs]" "Hey!" "No touching." "You know Jessica's rules." "Right." "Sorry." "Uh..." "Your shot, Tony." "Thank you. [Clears throat]" "[Pool balls clack]"