"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Welcome to my Halloween scary-time theater." "My name is Auggie, and I'll be your ghost." "Tonight, three tingling tales of terror all about fear!" "What are you afraid of?" "Hmm?" "!" " Auggie, dinner." " I'm talking to the people, mommy." "I'm sure you are, but it's time for dinner." " Say hello to them." " How you doing?" "For real." "How you doing for real?" "Okay, finish talking to your friends and get out of that weird-shaped toy chest." " Where did you get that?" " You don't "vant" to know!" "Say bye-bye to the people." "Bye-bye." " Mean it." " Come to dinner..." "I mean it." "That was scary." "Do you know Farkle?" "Do you know what scares him?" "His fear is the same size..." "As a softball." "And you know what goes with a softball, don't you?" "A bat!" " No no no no no!" " Let go, Farkle." "It's only gym class." "They throw things at me!" " Who?" " Maya!" "I'm the pitcher." "They make me stand there in front of everybody!" "He's the batter." "There's a guy behind me in a mask!" "That'd be the catcher, sir." "And then somebody screams." "That's the umpire." "No, that's me." "I'm still not gonna write you a note for gym class, Farkle." "It's softball." "What could possibly go wrong in softball?" "Get off." "Batter up!" "It's raining outside." "Why are we playing softball inside?" "We should be playing dodgeball." "No, wait!" "What am I talking about?" "We should be square dancing." "Yeah!" "We should be swinging our partner!" "You should be swinging your bat, Farkle." "Get in there!" "What are you afraid of?" "I'm afraid of getting hit by the ball, coach." "You're afraid of getting hit by the ball?" "I'm also afraid of public humiliation." "You're afraid of public humiliation?" "Quit your bellyaching." "She throws straight as a rope." "Riles?" "All right." "Third base." "I'm ready." "What hand does this thing go on?" "You know what hand it goes..." "Oh..." " Thanks." " Yeah, okay." "Yeah, I did that." "Why do I have to be up?" "Why does anybody have to be up, Farkle?" "Why does anybody have to be anything?" "Why do I have to be a gym teacher?" "I could be a ballerina!" "Doo, doo, doo!" "Doo, doo, doo!" "Don't work, do it?" "Know why?" "'Cause I'm a gym teacher and you're up!" "Wait, can he do that?" "He's in the batter's box." "Ball one!" " Ball two!" " He's rattling my pitcher, coach." "He's doing it on purpose." "He's an evil, genius mastermind." "Yeah?" "I don't think he is." "Aww, too bad." "Darn." "Heck." "See you in science, suckas." "And let me tell you something, Maya, you ain't all that." "I would've hit the next one right out of the pa..." "You look pretty." " Move." " I'm good right here." "You wanna spend the rest of your life scared?" "I was planning on it, sir." "Get in the box, Farkle." "Time out." "All right, you're done, Maya." " What?" " I'm taking you out." "You're not my type." " I'm taking you out of the game." " What?" "!" " Riley!" " Yes?" "What do you think you're doing?" "You haven't thrown a strike." "I think Farkle's in your head, kid." "But he's all, "Wah!" "Wah!" "Flah!"" "I know how to pitch to him, Maya." "I know what to do." "Take shortstop." "Okay, Lucas, nice and slow, okay?" "Yeah." "How's this for slow?" "Why...?" " Hey." " You did that on purpose." " Yeah, I did." " Why would you do that?" "I did it for you, Farkle." "You threw that as hard as you could?" "Pretty much." "How do you feel?" "I'm..." "Fine." "Doesn't even hurt, really." " Right." " Huh." " Thanks a lot." " Anytime." " Trick or treat tonight?" " Absolutely." "You got hit." "Get to take your base, Farkle." "Don't want it, coach." "You." "Bring it." "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Too much candy." "Here's what we learned so far:" "This..." "Not so scary after all." "Here's what we've learned so far:" "When mommy says, "come to dinner," we come to dinner." "You got dressed up." "Looking good." "And now our next tale of terror," "Riley's really scared to sleep over at Maya's house..." "For Halloween." "Mwa-ha-ha-ha..." "Ha!" "Whoo!" "Thank you, Farkle nation!" "So, Halloween sleepover at my house to do candy trades?" "Yeah, except..." "Why don't we do it at my house?" "Doo, doo, doo!" "Yeah, why don't you sleep at Maya's this year?" "Because we've already agreed to have it in my room every single year forever." "Why are you so afraid to sleep over at my house?" "I'm not." "You've never made it through a whole night there." "Tell her that's not true, Dad." "I can't, honey." "I'm the one that has to get up in the middle of the night and get you when you secretly call me." "I wake up every morning and you're not there." " It makes me feel bad." " I would never make you feel bad." "Then I want you to stay one night..." "All night... tonight." "Doo, doo, doo!" "Riley, get over this fear." "Because you want me to grow out of this?" "Because I want to sleep." "Could you at least drive me there?" "To Maya's house of horrors?" "Funny, dad." "Dad?" "Let's go." "All right." "How's it going so far?" "It's good." "I'm good." "A little bit noisy." "Different part of town." "What's that?" "What's that?" "What's that?" "That's Ginger." "Hi, Ginger." "I'm Riley." "I don't know how to tell you this, but your new cat's possessed." "It's a ferret." "I don't know how to tell you this, but your new cat's a ferret." " Here you are, Ginger." " I wouldn't do that." "Does he let you know when he needs to pee?" "That's why I wouldn't do that." "Oh, I get it now." "Okay, bye-bye, Ginger." "Okay, Riley, I'm gonna turn off the lights now." "No!" "I don't like it completely dark." "I like it just a little bit light." "No problem." "Watch." "Aww, baby bunny." "Baby bunny growing." " Maya!" " Come here." "They opened a new bunny mart across the street." "Oh." "All you're seeing is the shadows of the neon sign where the little bunny gets bigger and bigger." " Oh." " Can we go to sleep now?" "Yeah." "It's just shadows." "Shadows can't hurt me." "Your house is nice and I am safe." "Maya!" "No, it's me, Gammy." "Come on, gimme a hug." "Hi, Gammy Hart." " How have you been?" " Well, I'm still kicking, ri-ri." "The old grim reaper has gotta move a lot faster to catch up with me." "Yeah." "Not today, Sammy." "Maybe if I didn't see the shadows, I could actually go to sleep." "Fine." "Anything to get you to sleep." "You know, Maya, if it would be easier for you," "I could always call my father and..." "Save me, daddy." "She has scary bunnies." "No." "You're gonna make it through the night, you're gonna stay at my house and you're gonna be comfortable." "I don't understand, because I really like it during the day." " So as long as this curtain is up..." " I'm gonna be okay." " I promise." " Good." "Just shadows." "Shadows are just shadows." "They can't hurt me." "No problem at all." "Okay." "Ladies." "Farkle!" "Trick or treat!" "Why are you screaming?" "You scared us." "What are you guys doing here?" "We were passing by on our way home." " We thought we'd say hi." " In the middle of the night?" "It's a quarter after 7:00." "Then why'd you have me go to sleep, Maya?" "Trying to put myself out of my misery." "What are you scared of Riley?" "It's great out here." " There's nothing to be scared of." " I hear boys." "You got boys in here?" "They're outside." "Oh." "Oh, hiya, boys!" "Scary old lady." "Farkle." "Oh." "Come on, Lucas." "Wanna learn how to attract older ladies?" "No." " Bye, guys." " See you." " You know what?" " What?" "You don't actually need to cover the window." "Why not?" "I was actually scared of Farkle until he took his mask off." "And when he did, it was just Farkle." "Yeah, Farkle's not scary at all." "No, and neither is your neighborhood." "Once you take its mask off." "It's actually kind of pretty." "I never noticed that before." "Yeah." "I like your house, Maya." "Thank you, Riley." "That makes me happy." "Good." "So you wanna go to sleep now?" "In a little bit." "You mind if we stay up awhile?" "Why?" "Are you still a little bit scared?" "Not anymore." "I just wanna see what happens next." "Riley is still at Maya's house." "But meanwhile, over here, it's time for our creepiest, scariest story yet, because this story's about..." "Bedtime." "Can I sleep with you guys?" "Nope." "We've decided it's time for you to learn to sleep all by yourself." "This story's about..." "Me." " Good night." " Good night." " Mommy!" " Yes?" "You're not gonna eat my Halloween candy, are you?" "Why would I do that?" "Maybe I should stay up with you to make sure." "You've gotta grow out of this phase, bud." "I love you..." "And your Halloween candy is in a very good place." "Daddy!" "Hello." "There's a monster under my bed." "A monster?" "!" "Let's see here." "No, no monsters here, just a lot of toys." "Come here, bud." "Let's get you into bed, okay?" "Come on, here we go." "There." "Perfect." "Guess what." "Here's Mr. Googly." "Okay?" "Good night, bud." "Goodbye." "Great." "All right, Mr. Googly, I'm counting on you." "You tell any monsters under my bed to go away!" "Hey!" "What the...?" "You give me back Mr. Googly!" "You give me back Mr. Blobbity." "I need to see that Mr. Googly's okay." "Okay, here we go." "Oh, Mr. Googly, I missed you." "Are you okay?" "Did he hurt you?" "Oh, Mr. Blobbity, I missed you." "Are you okay?" "Did he hurt you?" "I would never hurt anybody." "Neither would I hurt anybody." " Then why are you scaring me?" " No, you're scaring me!" " No, you're scaring me!" " No, you're scaring me!" " No, you're scaring me!" " No, you are!" "No, you are!" " You okay?" " I'm very scared." "But you're the monster under the bed." "You're the monster over the bed." " I'm Auggie." " I'm Simon P. Littleboyeater." "That's not good." "You can call me Simon." "Hello!" " Mommy!" " Mommy!" "What's wrong?" "Daddy, monster." "Monster." "Under the bed?" "Okay." "Auggie, there's nothing there." "I promise." "There's nothing under the bed." "But he was." "Honey, look how tight we're gonna tuck you in, okay?" "Yeah, this is our best monster-proof tuck job." "Absolutely." "No monsters are getting in there, boy." " I wouldn't think so." " Good night." "Love you." "Good night." "Mr. Littleboyeater?" "Yes?" "You can't just go around living under people's beds." "Excuse me?" "!" "That's my home." "How long have you been there?" "Every night." "I knew it!" "Yeah, you were right." "So why can't I ever see you?" "Because I'm really good at what I do." "So why can I see you now?" "Because I wanna say goodbye." "You're leaving?" "But why?" "Are you scared of me anymore?" "No, you're my friend now." "I'm not allowed to have friends." " Why not?" " Because I'm a monster." " What's this?" " All the stuff you thought you lost." " You're playing with them?" " During the day while you're at school." "I want you to have 'em." "Really?" "Thanks!" "But why do you have to go now?" "Because you're a little boy, and you know what happens to little boys?" " What?" " They grow up!" " Hey, monster." " Yes?" "Pretty good." " You okay, Auggie?" " We're fine." "Remember me." "Not scared anymore, Auggie?" "No, nothing to be scared of at all." " Good night." " Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Thank you for being with me tonight." "I hope all of you who are afraid of something have learned that sometimes things are not as scary as they seem." "Halloween only comes once a year." "Maybe next year I'll spend it at your house." "Trick or treat!"