"Wouldn't it be good to know exactly how unpopular you are with the opposite sex compared to your classmates?" "Luckily for me, someone invented Valentines Day, my favourite annual humiliation." ""Roses are red, violets are blue, your dong is massive, I want to blow you." "Love from your secret slut."" "I didn't get none." "I can't believe you got so many." "Yes, it is hard to believe." ""Dear Jay...." ""I've just baked you a finger pie, why don't you cum..." Spelt C-U-M." ""... and taste it?"" "That's so horny." "Who do you think it's from?" " Your dad?" " Yeah, funny." "Let me look at these." ""Jay, you massive stud, please, please spaff on my tits." "From your Valentine's bitch." "PS:" "And on my face."" "That's my favourite, I like the way she remembered the face." "It's funny how all these cards seem to be in the same handwriting." "Your admirers are either very young or have severe learning difficulties." "Which is possible." "The handwriting's bad cos they were strumming one out as they wrote 'em." "Not you writing with your left hand?" "You're just jealous cos I got loads and you got none." " I got a card." " If it's your nan it doesn't count." " I didn't get any then." " I did get a card." "A proper one." " Total bollocks." " Yeah?" " What do you call this then?" " Interesting!" " Wow." "Who's that from?" " Hannah Fields in the year below." "Sniff it to see if she rubbed her fanny on it." "Neil!" "Na, just a bit of perfume." "So what are you going to do about it?" "Nothing." "Apart from making sure Carli doesn't find out." "I think she'll be too busy sucking on her boyfriend's knob." " Shut up." " What?" "All I'm saying is, he'll have his cock right deep in her gob and then in her vag." "Out the vag, back in the gob." "Thanks!" "Oh, yeah, that reminds me." "Give that to your mum for us." "Are you serious?" " Oh, you are." " Don't tell her who it's from." "No, course not." "Anything else, Neil?" " Would you like me to ask her out?" " Would you?" "Let me think." "Would I?" "No." "No, I fucking wouldn't." "Good morning." "And shut up." "Right everyone, your work-experience placements have been finalised." "And as 99% of you left it to the careers officer," "I don't want to hear whingeing about where you're heading." "Sir." "There seems to be some mistake." "Is the mistake you choosing to ignore me saying "No whingeing"?" "No, sir, it says here I'm going to work at a garage." "Yes." "Come on." "Me." "A garage?" " Does that seem likely?" " What's your point?" "I wrote to the local paper." "To shadow a journalist there." "Maybe even write a few pieces myself." "Right, let me have a look." "I don't get paid extra for this, you know." "OK, it says here that Sutherland is expected at the newspaper." " Case closed." " Well, then there's clearly been some sort of mix-up." "I don't mean to be rude but  look at him." " No offence." " None taken." "What was your first choice, Sutherland?" "Airplane driver." " And that is...?" " Someone who drives planes." " You mean a pilot." " Do I?" " What was your second choice?" " Working with cars." "Right." "Ever wanted to work at a newspaper?" "No, sir." " Have you ever read a newspaper?" " Not really." "OK, it does seem there's been some sort of mistake here somewhere." "That's OK, mistakes happen." "Shall I go the paper tomorrow?" "You go to the garage." "It's all booked." "Is this a joke?" "Do I make a lot of jokes?" " But sir..." " I can't change the placements." "Can't or won't?" "You pick." "It's the same result." "Sutherland?" "Does this mean I won't be driving any planes?" "This is a fuck-up." "What experience will I get at a garage?" "Apart from a depressing working-class one?" "You get to look at horny calendars." "Why work for a paper?" "I thought you were going into the family business." " Which is...?" " Prostitution." "Yep, nice one." "It'll be shit anyway." "The clue's in the name - work experience." "It won't be shit at my dad's firm." "When I worked there last summer," "I spent every day jumping JCBs over cement mixers." " Well, that's a lie." " And I got paid a grand at the end." " Another lie!" " I had a wank earlier" " about your mum's tits." "Is that alle?" " I hope so." " It's not." " Oh, good." " Sorry, mate." " I ain't your fucking mate!" "He's touchy." "It's probably cos he's such a short arse!" " What d'you say?" " What?" " He's taking the piss, Danny." " Yeah?" "I'll fucking do you." " Yeah, whatever." " Wanker." " What's his problem?" " Ooh, don't cry, Simon!" "Yeah, good one." "Um, catch up in a bit." "Oh, that's right, run after her, that's not creepy!" "I may not have received any Valentine's cards, but that didn't mean I hadn't sent any." "Charlotte!" "Oh, hello." "Happy Valentine's day." "Did you get any cards?" "Yeah, maybe ten?" "Ten?" "Yeah, me too." "But, did you get any flowers?" "I think you know I did." "I thought it was really sweet, and I was gonna say, if you're not busy, we could hang out this Friday?" "I think I'm free." "Yep, yes I am." "I'm working on the bar at a local Valentine's disco thing." "It's under-18s, so it might be a bit lame, but if you fancied keeping me company?" "A date?" "No, Will, not a date." "Just two friends hanging out." "Great." "See you Friday." "It's a date." "No, it's not a date." "Cool." "She said it wasn't a date, but we both knew it was." "Before that," "I had to make the most of my new, pointless, shitty manual job." "Hellooooo?" "Will MacKenzie, I'm here for work experience." "Hello, you must be Will." "Great to meet you, I'm Jim." "This here's Wolfie and Steve." "Hi, Jim, hi, Steve, hello, Wolf." "Wolf-ie." "Wolfie, right, gotcha." "You'll have a right laugh." "Long as you don't mind a bit of blue talk." " Not a poof, are ya?" " No." "Not a problem if you are, just be harder to join in some of the banter." "Any part of car mechanics you're interested in, as it goes?" "To be honest, none of it... as it goes." " More interested in bikes, is it?" " No, the media." "Or law." "Look, no offence, but I'm never going to work in a place like this." " Place like this?" " You know, a place like this." "Manual, dirty." "Not stupid exactly, but not academic by a long chalk!" "It's not that I'm better than this, it's just that I am much cleverer than you need to be to work here." "Steve here's got a BTEC." "Exactly." "I suspect the mix-up'll be sorted today, I'll be gone tomorrow." "I see." "You don't mind helping out today then?" "No, course not." "Just the once, eh?" "Right, Cholmondley-Warner." "We need some stuff picking up from the suppliers." "Fine." "I'll just get a pen and paper." "Great." "OK, we need two tins of tartan paint." "Tartan paint times two." " Spirit level bubbles." " Bubbles for spirit level." " D'you need anything, Wolfie?" " Yeah, ask him for a reach around." " A reach around." " Don't forget you really need that." "Fine." "So it's two tins of tartan paint, bubbles for spirit level and... a reach around." "Might as well ask for a long wait while you're there." "Great!" "... this is a joke, isn't it?" " What?" " These items... they're not real things, are they?" "They don't exist." " I don't know what you mean." " Now," "I know that these initiation ceremonies exist in certain types of workplace, and, don't get me wrong, I enjoy the camaraderie, but you have to get up pretty early to fool me." " No, fair enough, you caught us out." " Yeah, fair cop." "Too sharp for us!" "I tell you what, why don't we initiate you with a pint at lunch?" " Good." " We'll go to the Crown, barmaid in there's got a smashing pair of tits." "OK!" "So, while I was getting a City and Guilds in tits," "Neil was at the newspaper, happily wasting the opportunity of my lifetime." "Toby, your work experience is here." "Fine..." "All right." " Hi, you must be Neil, I'm Toby." " All right?" "So, what are you looking to get out of this assignment, Neil?" "Don't worry, I won't steal nothing." "What I meant was, is there anything specifically you'd like to do here, or an area of journalism you're particularly interested in?" "No, not really." "Right." "And do you have any questions you'd like to ask me about anything?" "How long's my lunch hour?" "An hour." "Meanwhile, Jay really had arranged some great work experience for Simon, freezing his arse off at a disgusting plant-hire yard." "This is shit." "I don't wanna do this for a living." "Nah, it's all right!" "We'll be able to drive the diggers soon, I reckon." "Jay?" "Why have you stopped?" "This is work experience, not standing-around-being-a-useless-twat experience." "You don't need any experience at that - you're the expert!" "Sorry, Dad, we only stopped for a moment." "This is well knackering." "You'd better get used to it, cos with your brains you'll be fucking lucky to get a job throwing shit into a skip!" "This isn't exactly how you described it." "Get many Valentine's cards, Simon?" " Just the one." " One more than Jay's ever got." " I got plenty." " Don't worry, there's a girl out there for you." "You just need to find a desperate bird that likes the smell of BO and blokes with tiny cocks!" "Now get back to work," "I ain't paying you to sit on your scrawny arse." "Nice." " All right?" " What are you doing here?" " I thought you should be at work?" " They let me go home at lunch." "You jammy bastard." "Si, what's all this I hear about you having a fight with Danny Moore?" "What?" "!" "Who's Danny Moore?" "He's been talking about a beating on you." "Who is he?" " I don't know who he is!" " That kid you bumped into" " and then called a shortarse." " That was Jay." "You'll have to go and knock him out now." " Teach him a lesson." " If you see him," " tell him it's a mistake." " I'm not getting involved." "He's from a hard family in Northwood." "His brother did time." "Oh, Northwood?" "Been nice knowing you, Si!" "What's this, my dad's bigger than your dad?" "What are we, 12?" " I think he is 12, actually." " You're not scared are you, Si?" "No, it's just I'm not going to look cool beating up a kid." " And you couldn't." " Yes, I could, can we just leave it?" "I'm not fighting anyone." "Oh yeah, nice one." "Mature." "Compared to Simon, my first day was turning out OK." "After a morning of pretending cars were broken and overcharging middle-class women, we had bonded over a pint." "Thanks, guys." "That was a much more civilised way to welcome me." "It's shame we won't get to do it again..." "Oh, no!" "A kidnap?" "!" "What are you, the cockney Al-Qaeda?" "Don't shit yourself, we're going for a drive." " Hello, mate!" " Come on, is this really necessary?" "What about my allergies?" "!" "Let's talk about this." "Please!" "My allergies!" "Wasn't expecting that, was you, mastermind?" "!" "See you tomorrow!" "Institutionalised bullying wasn't quite the work experience I had in mind." "But I knew how to deal with bullies." "I got my mum to tell the teacher." "I was hoping you'd be able to do something about it, Mr Gilbert." " I'm sorry." " I just wonder what he said to them." " I don't think he said anything, Kevin." " He must have said something." "He walked back through the town centre sopping wet and barely clothed." "I'd hoped you'd take this more seriously." "He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience, and instead I'm picking frogspawn out of his underpants." "Would you excuse me just for a second?" "Ooooooooh God!" "Look," "I really want to help, but it's not my responsability." "I will ask if they'll consider swapping students, but I can't promise anything." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I do have a meeting to attend to." "What a pickle!" "I'm not sure I should send Neil to the garage." "Those men sound like brutes." "I think it was just hijinks." "What, three dirty men throwing a naked young boy into water?" " The mind boggles." " I never said Will was naked." "I thought you did..." "Not quite the outcome I'd hoped for." "Neil's dad imagining me naked." "When it comes to love, they say a gentleman never tells." "But I wasn't a gentleman." "I was a twat." "Guess who got a date with Charlotte Hinchcliffe?" " Donovan?" " No." "I bet it is - he's probably balls deep in her right now." "The answer... is me." " No way." " Yes, way." "Of sorts." " Of sorts way." " How?" "I've no idea." "Honestly, and I'm not going to stop and ask her." "I don't know why she likes me but I'm going to do my best to keep it that way." "Sounds like a good plan." " When is it then?" " What?" " Date." " Friday." " What we up to Friday?" " Same as every Friday." " Nothing." " Maybe we could go." "In what world would I want you to come along?" " It's not for you, it's for us." " It'd be funny to watch you fuck it up." "Yeah, you might cry." "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but you won't want to come." "I'm seeing her at this under-18s night she's working at." "It will be uncool," " even for us." " Sounds OK to me." " At least we'll definitely get in." " No, no." " You won't like it." " We might even get some." "Won't they be a bit young?" " Grass on the pitch and it's OK for me." " Right, and what if there isn't?" "By the time you find out it'll be too late." "Surely you've got better things to do than watch me with Charlotte?" "Great, no, fine." "See you there then." "So before my date with Charlotte, and it was a date," "I had to endure one last day with the savages." "I was pleasantly surprised to find Jim and Wolfie engaged in serious debate." "All right, Will?" "You'll like this - we're just having "a discussion"." " Oh, really?" " Which titties would you spunk over?" "The little ones, or big and bouncy?" "A handful, plenty to play with." " They both look nice." " Better than tits you'll ever get mate!" "All right, I'd spunk over the big ones, and they're not better than I'd get." "Bollocks." "Here, Steve..." " Speccy here... reckons he has better!" " Stop that." " I have." " Fuck off, you're a virgin!" " Classic virgin." " You're wrong." "I did it last year." "With a girl I'm seeing tonight." "Yeah, sure." "Yep!" "She's fit, she's older than me, and she goes like a porn star." " Oh, right!" " Yeah, and she's got massive titties and I..." "Well, I... fucked her hard and all night long." "What are you and this dirty horn bucket up to this weekend then?" "I might come and check her out." "Going to an under-18 disco where she works, so you won't be able to." "I could go." " What?" " I could go." "I'm 17." "You're 17!" "?" " You're 17?" " Yeah, yeah" " I just look older." "There's looking older and then there's that." "You look about 30!" "Lovely!" "Wolfie'll check out this tart you've been boning, then." " Good." " Maybe Wolfie'll pull her." " He won't do that because she loves me." " She loves you?" "I'm going to cry!" "I mean..." " She loves to fuck me." " Yeah..." "Course she does." "That evening at the Civic Hall," "I hoped Neil would enlighten me about what I'd be up to next week." "He'd never enlightened me about anything before, but you never know." "How was the newspaper?" "Did you write anything?" "No, nothing boring like that." "I'm on the internet most of the day, this afternoon I smashed old desks in a skip and then home at four." "Are we the oldest here?" "Possibly." "It's even more shit than I knew it would be." "I honestly don't why you came." " To see you get blown out by Charlotte." " Please try not to fuck this up." "Charlotte asked me so there's a chance, admittedly a very slim chance, that she wants to pull me." "Or maybe she needs a mechanic for her car!" " Good one!" " I'd service her all right." "I'd slide my dipstick in deep!" "Thanks for coming, really appreciate it!" "I'm gonna find Charlotte." "Up to you." "It looks like there's some tidy minge here." "Yes, it's tidy because there's no hair on it." "Oi, Si, Hannah Fields is over there." "It's her who write your Valentine?" "Oh, yeah, shit." "She looks quite fit actually." "Right, I'll go over and tell her you fancy her." " No." " Why?" "Well, you going over and telling her I fancy her, seems a bit, y'know, childish." "When in Rome." "That's how you got to play it with younger girls." "You go over..." "Shit, she's coming over here." "So did you get my valentine's card then?" "Oh, yeah, great." "Thank you." " Do you want a drink?" " I've got one thanks." "No, I mean a proper drink." "Oh... right." "Yeah, thanks." "You're fit." " Sorry?" " Oh, forget it." "Come on." "You're well sexy, I used to stare at you in assembly." "Right." "Ooh, you're so horny." "Tongue me!" "Um, how old are you?" "Blimey, that didn't take long." "Compared to you and Charlotte anything's quick." " Softly softly, catchee monkee." " I didn't know you spoke Spanish." "See!" "I told you this was a great place to get your fingers stinky." "Oh, my god, she's going for his cock." "Oh, what you doing?" "Shall we go somewhere more private?" " I want you." " Right." "Careful, no-one's touched that before, it might go off." "Good!" "Crikey, careful." "Are they allowed to do that in here?" " Crikey!" " Fuck me, she's gonna wank him off!" "The jammy git's pulled an experienced cock handler." "Or, someone so inexperienced she thinks it's the best way to pull an older boy." " Either way it's a win-win situation." " It's not really, though, no?" "Thanks to me, we're now watching Simon get wanked off." "Thank you so much!" " Getting a bit weird now." " I hate it when he makes eye contact." "None of us do, Neil." "Call me a short arse now!" "Come on then, you fucking coward!" " Oh, please, not his face!" " I'm gonna do you!" "Northwood are in the house, you're fucking dead!" "How embarrassing." " That was brilliant!" " Was it?" "Fucking hilarious, he totally did you." " Have they chucked him out?" " Doubt it." "Not gonna chuck him out for that, just a scuffle." " He kicked me in the cock." " Good shot!" " What happened to Hannah?" " Erm, I think you blew it when a twelve year did beat you." "I fucking slipped!" "He's talking to a load of Northwood lads." " What?" " They don't look twelve, to be fair." "Fucking hell Si, you muppet." "We are so dead." "What?" "Dead?" "That should be the end of it!" "Simon's taken a beating, a child's honour's been restored." " I didn't take a beating!" " Yeah." "This is Northwood." "It's not the end, it's the start!" " We do what now?" " I get Charlotte?" " Is she hard?" " No, she'll get them thrown out!" "I'll go find her, you go and hide somewhere." " Hide?" " Yes, hide." " Toilets?" " Charlotte!" " Someone's desperate for a diet coke!" " No, Simon's been attacked by a kid..." "Here?" "What did he do, headbutt him in the knee?" "No." "Kicked him in the cock, actually, but listen..." "Please say you aren't asking me to protect you from children?" "Hmm, a bit." "All right, Cholmondley-Warner?" "Is this your bird?" "Nice to meet you." "You're just like Will said you was." " Right." "I hope that's a compliment." " Oh, yeah it is." "You wouldn't mind having a quick word with our boss Jim on the old blower, OK?" " Please don't." " New friend?" " From work experience." "A colleague." " Jim for ya." "Ignore everything he says, it's bollocks, I promise." "Hello." "Right." "No, I'm not his girlfriend, no." "No, we didn't have sex." "He did, did he?" "No, that didn't happen." "No, I'm not a porn star." "Charlotte, listen..." "I was working in a garage." "You don't understand what it's like." "How many chances do you think you'll get to be a dickhead?" "One more?" "Wrong." "You're a nasty little virgin." "See ya." "Right, fair enough." "OK." "Best of a bad lot, deal with what we've got." "I need you, we're in trouble." "I'm off." "Only popped in to check out your missus." "Well, thanks for popping by and ruining my love life." "No problem." "I hope you and your ignorant boss get a good laugh out of it." "I'll tell you who'll be laughing last!" "Me!" "Cos I'm not the one who'll be working in a shitty garage doing manual labour for the rest of my life." "See you Monday." "No you won't!" "Because I'll be at a local paper." "That's right, a local newspaper." "So my date, yes, date, was a disaster." "But at least my friends weren't hiding in the toilet." "Oh, they were." "There was only one person for saving us now." "Thanks for stepping in, mate!" "I was going to dive when you put your cock away." " Budge up a minute Jay, I need a piss." " You're not pissing in here, Neil." " Why not?" "It's a toilet." " Go outside if you have to." "What if they come in?" "I don't see why I can't piss here." "Because I do not want to see piss coming out the end of your cock." " I could sit down and do it." " What?" "I do that sometimes." "You know, for a treat." "Oh, fuck, just get on with it then." " Are you going yet?" " I can't, you're putting me off." " Shit, who's that?" " Northwood?" " Who is it?" " It's obviously me." "What is happening in here?" " Has Charlotte sorted it?" " No." "I've sorted it though." " What have you done?" " My mum's gonna pick us up." "What?" " Oh, this is tragic." " Called your mom!" "Your mum is coming to rescue us from the toilet of an under-18 disco because we're being bullied by 12-year-olds?" "No-one must ever know about this." "Si, go outside and take your beating from this child, and then we can leave." "I'd have taken him down if it weren't for Northwood." "How were you going to take him down?" "Spunk in his eyes?" "Oh, shit." "What if Carli finds out about me and that girl?" "Oh, no!" "Maybe she still won't go out with you." "Oh, god this is a fucking disaster." "No actually, it's OK, it's fine." " I can move away and change schools." " My night hasn't been brilliant either." "At least next week will be better, get my teeth into some journalism." "Oh, yeah, the paper want to keep me on so there's no room for ya." "Tell me you're joking?" "They said I was the best work experience they'd ever had." "This is an urgent message for William MacKenzie." "Please make his way to the front entrance as his mother is here to pick him and his friends up." "This is an urgent message for William MacKenzie." "Please come to the front where your mother is waiting to collect you." "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "It had been a strange week." "I hadn't experienced much actual work, but I had learnt some valuable lessons." "Never work with children or animals." "Don't call your valentine a porn star." "You're a nasty little virgin." "And despite what I'd thought, a girl touching your penis is not always a good thing."