"(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(WOMAN INHALES, EXHALES)" "(MAN MUTTERING)" "MAN:" "Got up, took a shower." "Poured myself a coffee." "I kept telling myself, you know, "I'll wake her up after I do this or, uh... this little step."" "Now, that's not true, really." "I knew I was going to delay waking her up for as long as possible." "WOMAN:" "What was it you really wanted?" "I wanted her, same as always," "I wanted her to disappear." "I wanted her to be the hell out of there." "(CHUCKLES)" "And she got the hell out of there." "She took the hint." "She woke up, you were fully dressed, ready to go to work." "More or less, yeah, she took the hint." "And yet just the night before, you wanted her very badly, hmm?" "Yeah." "I know." "Really badly." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Now I'm feeling very mellow" "Walkin' down the street" "You see, I'm gonna see my baby" "And it makes me feel moody" "Like this..." "When you go to see your baby" "He can make you feel moody" "He can make you feel high, feel low" "Feelin', feelin', feelin'" "Like this" "Moody" "Yeah" "Moody..." " He can stretch himself..." " (GIGGLES)" "He can stretch himself from here to Ethiopia if he wanted to." " We said him already." " No, no, no." "The rubber man." "He's the last of the Fantastic Four we've been searching for all these days." " The missing link." "Yes?" " No, we already said him." " Oh, look, there's a taxi." "Taxi!" " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "We are not in need of coach service, my lady." "This is my kingdom, and my palace" " is but two blocks from here." " Come on." "Come on." " Be off!" " God damn you, fuckin' mime." " Cocksuckers!" " TOGETHER:" "Be off!" "CAB DRIVER:" "Cocksuckers!" "Fuck you!" "The fireball." "I'm the one that's made of big brown stones." " Brown stone man." " No, that's not his name." " It's lighter browns." " (GIGGLING)" "God, the telephone company." "How can I take home a girl who works for the telephone company?" "Go on, go home." "I'm the director of personnel. (LAUGHS)" "She hires those incompetents." "Oh, no." "WOMAN:" "What do you do, Mr. Wise Guy?" "Literature." "(LAUGHING)" "(WOMAN LAUGHS)" " A bit of chess?" " Yeah, baby." " Excellent." "Wait." " Checkmate." "Does that mean you win?" "(LAUGHS)" "(POLICE SIREN WAILING)" " (SCREECHING) - (SCREAMS)" "What the fuck is that?" "!" "(WOMAN SCREAMING)" "All right, now, just relax." "Oh, right..." " This shit..." " Shoo!" "Shoo!" " Shoo?" " Shoo!" " (SCREECHES) - (SCREAMS)" "(SCREECHING)" "(LAUGHING)" "This poor... never mind." "(FLUTTERING)" "(BAT SCREECHING)" "Did you get it out?" "Come on, let's go." "If I'd known you had a fucking roommate... (LAUGHING)" " Wait." " Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "My God." "Taxi!" "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)" "Alva." "Alva!" "Yes, Mr. Loew?" "All right, uh..." "Frank Heatherton wants a copy of the first contract he had for the sale of his short story uh... "Rattlesnake Hills."" ""Der Spiegel"." "Seems that the first foreign sale he's ever had and suddenly he wants to frame the agreement." "Now, the story was sold in 1963, and I know that's a long time before either I was here or you were here." "But there is no reason why the agency shouldn't have a copy of it." "I already looked in the files under "Heatherton,"" "I looked under "Rattlesnake Hills,"" "but I am asking you to go through the entire "Der Spiegel" file, because that is a very fat file and nothing is in order and it will take hours, but it will be there... somewhere." "Please find it and bring it to me." "Yes, Mr. Loew." " (BEEPS)" " WOMAN ON INTERCOM:" "Peter?" "Joel Reznick on O-2." "Mr. Loew?" "Mr. Loew?" "Are... are you there?" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(RATTLING)" "Starting with your earliest years when you... somehow were taught to expect something that wasn't even halfway attainable." "Peter?" "Well, I guess my time's up." "No, no, no, we have a couple more minutes." "(CLOCK CHIMING)" "You know, uh..." "lately... you have always been telling me when our time is up." "And I just wonder if maybe... does it make you feel a little insecure when I say..." " (LAUGHS)" " Well, what?" "Nothing." "Nothing, it's, uh..." "I was remembering." "I brought this girl up to my place the other night." "Really hot, you know?" "And we're on the bed." "Suddenly, this bat comes swooping down out of nowhere." " A bat?" " Holy shit." "But this... this really happened, but the part... this part I don't know if this really happened or I dreamt it later or what." "I mean, I'm fighting this bat off all alone and I'll be damned if I didn't get... really turned on." " You were aroused?" " Yeah." "But you said just a few seconds before, you were in the throes of passion." " Yeah, I know." " So then you were aroused." " With the girl?" " Yes, with the girl." "Oh, sure." "Yes." "Absolutely, but then she left the room and I was..." "I mean..." "I came down." "You know?" "I was in mortal combat with a fucking bat." " Give me a break." " Wait." "You were fighting off the bat and that's when you had this new feeling?" "Then, yes." "That is the precise order of events." "And on that note..." "Oh, oh, yes." "I'll, uh... see you on Tuesday." "Buh-bye." "Alva." "I didn't see, did you find that Heatherton contract?" "I checked the back files under Heatherton and "Rattlesnake Hills"" "like you said, but, uh..." "I couldn't find it." "I..." "I guess I'm gonna have to look under the "Der Spiegel" files." "Alva, I told you that I already checked those files." " I already checked them." " I'm sorry." "I must have, uh... misunderstood." "I'm gonna get right to it." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(HORNS HONKING)" "I don't know, maybe." "It is inconceivable to me that you like that play." "Inconceivable?" "Jesus Christ!" " Oh, well..." " My name's Gary, what's yours?" "No, no, I don't save the same amount I put in the other account." "Now say I put $2,000 in the IRA." "Now that doesn't mean I'm gonna save $2,000 at income tax time." "It's more like $700." "Right, Peter?" "Yeah, plus, I get interest on the $2,000 in the other account." " Who would be interested?" " Uh..." " ...raise high the roof beam." " (LAUGHS)" " Did you get that joke?" " No." "I love your earrings." "Thank you." "I'm Peter Loew." "Rachel." "Oh, Rachel." "(SCREAMS)" "God!" "(GROANING)" "Shit!" "Shit!" "(SCREAMS)" "God!" "(GROANS)" "Okay, okay, okay." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "(GROANS)" "(PANTING)" "Who are you?" "It's all right." "It's all right." "You chose me." "(WATER RUNNING)" "(WINCES)" "(SIGHS)" "(HUMMING)" "What a glorious Sunday." "How nice not to have to go in to work." "No comments on my coffee, please." "If you don't like it, I'll send out." "I do it all the time." "(RATTLING, CLINKING)" "Well, do you like it?" "I gotta take a piss." "(CAR HORN HONKS)" "PETER'S VOICE:" "Hello, you have reached Peter." "I am not in at the moment, but if you leave your name, your number and a brief message," "I'll get back to you just as soon as I can." " Thank you." " (BEEPS)" "WOMAN ON ANSWERING MACHINE:" "Yeah?" "Well, you can forget about getting back to this girl." "You son of a bitch!" "You don't just walk out on somebody like that, you bastard!" "Don't you ever call me again." "You fuck!" "Fuck you!" "Yeah, well, fuck you, too, sister." "So how was your weekend?" "It was all right, you know?" "It was nothing earth-shattering." "Did you hurt yourself?" " Just cut myself shaving." " Oh." "Well, Peter, why don't we begin where we left off last week?" "You started to tell me about this strange feeling you had when this bat flew through the window of your apartment." "Huh?" "The feeling of exultation that you experienced." "You made it sound as though it were... something more than sexual." "I don't... really know what you're talking about." "I don't remember." "Well, you were very sure about it last weekend." " It made a strong impression." " Oh, yes." "Okay, I know." "Uh, I guess I was pretty horny." "Pretty keyed up from being with the girl right before." "I was drunk, too." "That was it." "I'd had a little to drink." "I was a little drunk." "Plus, I was horny." "(SIGHS) And have you seen this girl again?" "No." "(SIGHS)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" " (BEEPS)" " WOMAN ON INTERCOM:" "Peter," "Frank Heatherton on O-3." "All right, and, Judy, send Alva in here right now." "(TAPPING)" "Yes, Mr. Loew?" "All right, Alva, that's Frank Heatherton on the phone." "For me." "Now I'm sure he's calling about the "Der Spiegel" contract, which he still hasn't gotten a copy of." "How do I know he hasn't gotten a copy of it?" "Because I haven't sent it to him." "Why haven't I sent it to him?" "Because you haven't found it and brought it to me and now it's fucking Tuesday and I still don't see it here on my desk." "I don't see it here, do you?" "Huh, Alva?" "!" "No!" "Well, I'm going through the files, Mr. Loew, but I have a million other things to do." "Now, I want you to be here and listen to the song and dance that I have to do." "That I have to do because you haven't done your job." "Ready?" " (PHONE BEEPS)" " Yeah, hi, Frank, how are ya?" "Hello, Peter." "I'm just fine, thanks." "Listen, I won't hold ya." "I just wanted to say about that letter I sent, you know, requesting the copy of "Rattlesnake Hills" sale to "Der Spiegel"?" "There's absolutely no rush on that." "I know it's an old contract." "It's gonna take some diggin' and I'm sure you and your girls got better things to do, huh?" "(FRANK LAUGHS) Anyway, look, I'm in the middle of movin', so take your time." "I'll give you a call when I'm all settled in." "Okay?" " Yeah, okay, Frank." " So, how's things with you?" " Life treating' you well?" " Yeah, Frank." "Ah, good." "Take care, old buddy." " All right, bye-bye, Frank." " Yeah, bye." "Well." "Seems I didn't have to do a song and dance after all, Alva." "As you could hear, I couldn't get a word in edgewise." "Mr. Heatherton is boiling mad, and he has implied that if he doesn't get that copy within the week, he will terminate his agreement with our agency and sign up with a more efficient one." "Am I getting through to you, Alva?" "!" "I'll go right to it, Mr. Loew." "Judy, I'll be out for the rest of the day." "(CAR HORNS HONKING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Hey, do I get waited on today, or what?" " I've been sitting here for 15 minutes." " Right away, sir." "Right away." "And then he took me on one of those horse and carriage rides." " You're kidding." " And in the middle of it" " he asked me..." " He asked you what?" " ...to marry him!" " (GASPS) Oh!" "Fucking greasehole!" "(GROANING)" "Are you all right, sir?" "Sure?" "Are you?" " (SLAPS) - (SPITS)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)" "(BELL DINGS)" " WOMAN:" "Hello." " Dr. Glaser?" "You have reached the office of Dr. Dorothy Glaser." "Please leave your name... (ELEVATOR DINGS)" "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" " Hello?" " Jackie?" "Yeah?" "Jackie, don't hang up, please." "This is Peter." "I want to explain about the other day." "There was a reason." "I had a very good reason for doing what I did." " I..." " (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV) look, you know I'm very fond of you." "I didn't mean to hurt you." "It was... it was some illness." "Listen, I feel funny talking on the phone about this." " Better be a hell of a good reason." " Let's meet." "Can you?" "Tonight?" "You wanna get together tonight?" "Meet somewhere?" " Well, I can't for a couple of hours." " Fine." "Fine." "Uh, let's just say 9:00, Mondo Cane." "All right, 9:00." "Great, great." "Okay, I'll see you then." "Bye-bye." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)" "(POLICE SIREN WAILING)" " (SLAPS) - (SPITS)" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "(DOG BARKING)" "Who's there?" "Who is it?" "(PANTING)" " (TAPPING) - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "He is wondering," ""How did she get in here?"" "And he is realizing that he let her in, as she is his lover." "His most passionate mistress." "And he is realizing that she is a jealous mistress." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Yes." "(GROANING)" "(MUMBLES) Alva." "(MUMBLES) Alva?" "Alva." "(YELLS) Alva!" "(SHOUTS) Alva!" "(SCREAMS) Alva!" "(SCREAMS LOUDER) Alva!" " (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (PETER SCREAMING) Alva!" "Alva!" "There you are!" "(SCREAMS)" "I'm looking for it, Mr. Loew!" " I'm looking!" " (WOMAN SCREAMS)" "What the hell is he doing in here?" "I have a gun." "If you hurt me, I'm gonna use it." " What the fuck is going on?" " (ALVA WHIMPERING)" "I don't know, I mean, I'm doing all I can." "Maybe the contract was lost." "Don't come near me!" "I'm telling Mr. Langdon about this." "And I swear I'm gonna use my gun if you ever touch me." " Just once." " No, no, Alva." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean..." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "You all right, honey?" " (SOFTLY) Yeah." " (TELEPHONE RINGS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Nothing like a little office trauma to keep things interesting." "The chase was my favorite part." " Pete hurdling over those desks." " (ALL LAUGHING)" "Well, you weren't there for the grand finale." "She asked me for a raise." "Can you believe it?" "She actually does keep a gun in that little bag of hers." " MAN:" "Get outta here." " MAN #2:" "No, really." "Well, she takes the subway into Pelham every night." "I don't blame the kid." "She asked me for a raise for getting chased into the ladies' room." "I think she deserves it, Sidney, you can take it out of Attila's paycheck." "Fuck you!" "(LAUGHS)" "SIDNEY:" "One question, Peter." "Was my name written anywhere on the bathroom wall and, uh... what did it say?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(WHIMPERING)" "(GASPING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON INTERCOM)" " (SCREAMING) - (CRASHING)" "(MAN SINGING) Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me..." " (SCREAMING) - (CRASHING) ...sounds of the rude world" " (CHANGE JINGLING)" " Heard in the day..." " (GLASS BREAKS)" " What is happening to me?" "!" "...by the moonlight" "Have all passed away" "Beautiful dreamer" " (CHANGE JINGLING)" " Queen of my heart" "List while I woo thee" "With soft melody" "Gone are the cares of... (WATER RUNNING)" "(GROWLING)" "I... had a... difficult day yesterday." "Got a little upset... at the office." "Do you want to talk about it?" "Well, it's just there's this... contract we're trying to locate." "(EXHALES SLOWLY)" "Shouldn't... if a company... if a literary agency... makes a copy of every contract... of every single contract it makes with a client... and then puts it in a file, in the appropriate file..." "shouldn't the copy... be in that file?" " Yes, I suppose it should." " It should, right?" " Yes." " Right?" "Hmm..." "Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep." "Unless, of course, it's somehow been misfiled." " Misfiled?" "!" " Yes, misfiled." "Sometimes somebody puts a document in the wrong file and then it's misfiled." "It makes it much harder to find." "Who?" "Who?" "What do you mean?" "Who?" " I don't know who exactly." " You don't?" "No, I don't." "Whoever filed it in the first place, but... for God sakes, Peter, I am not telling you one single thing" " you don't already know." " How could somebody misfile something?" "What could be easier?" "It's all alphabetical." " We..." " You just put it in the right file." "According to alphabetical order." "You know, A, B, C, D, E, F, G..." " Peter." " ..." "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P..." " Peter!" " ..." "Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z!" "Huh?" "That's all you have to do." "Very good." "You know your alphabet." "I never misfiled anything!" "Not once!" "Not one time!" "I'm sure that you didn't." "I wanna know, really." "Who did?" "!" "I cannot possibly tell you that." " You can't?" " No, I can't." "Ha!" "And you call yourself a psychiatrist?" "(SIGHS)" "It's kind of bright in here, isn't it?" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)" "(CLINKS)" "(SNAPPING)" "He is so eccentric. (SCOFFS)" "(BEEPS)" "Yes, Mr. Loew?" "Uh, actually, she's just leaving, Mr. Loew." "Sure." "Alva?" "Mr. Loew would like to see you." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Come in, Alva." "I hope you're not still angry at me about the other day, Alva." "I apologized, and I honestly meant it." " Pistachio?" " (SOFTLY) No, thank you." "Yeah, that mescaline." "Wow." "That's strange stuff." "Whoo, I'll never do that again, jeez." " Yeah, I know." "I did it once." " Did you?" "Did you?" "Yeah, just once in high school." "Ah." "High school." "Yes, yes." "Those were the days, eh, Alva?" "(CHUCKLES) Yeah." "So... why, uh..." "why do you have your coat on?" "Well, I'm leaving." "It's 5:00." "Hmm, but, you know, Alva, you still haven't found that contract yet, have you?" "(SIGHS) Mr. Loew, there's 15 "Der Spiegel" files." "It's all I do all day." "I mean, I..." "But you haven't found it yet, Alva." "Now, don't you think it would be a good idea to stay late?" " Maybe work a little overtime?" " My eyes are killing me." "Aw." "Well, I was..." "I was also thinking today that, maybe, you could put somebody else on the job for a while." "Or another secretary to help me out?" "I mean, you know, to make the job easier." "Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job." "You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva." "The lowest." "Do you realize that?" "Every other secretary who's been here has been here longer than you, Alva." "Every one." "And even if there was someone here who was here just one day longer than you, I still wouldn't ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around." "That's right, Alva." "It's a horrible, horrible job." "Sifting through old contract after old contract." "I couldn't think of a more horrible job if I wanted to." "And you have to do it." "You have to." "Or I'll fire you." "Do you understand?" "Do you?" "(WHISPERS) Yes." "Good." "Then there's no problem, then." "Is there?" "Don't you wanna use your gun, Alva?" "MAN:" "Hey." "Here you go." " (CAR HORN HONKS, BRAKES SCREECH)" " Hey, man." "You forgot your food." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" " (PETER GROANS)" " I hate interrupted love affairs." "Don't you?" "How much nicer when the outside world doesn't interfere with the pleasure." " (SLAPS) - (TELEPHONE RINGING)" "You were so right to put yourself into my hands, Peter." "The only one who can put you out of your misery." "Tell me how much you love me, my angel." " (TELEPHONE RINGING)" " Whisper it to me." "Just once." "(GROANS) Please." " Just once." "Oh, just once." " (TELEPHONE RINGING)" "(PANTING)" "I know you do." "I can read your mind, my love." "I can see it in your actions." "You can't get through the day without thinking about me, can you?" "Tell me you love me." " Tell me." " Yes, yes." "(PANTING)" " Tell me how much you love me." " Yes." "Tell me." "PETER:" "I love you." "I love you!" "(GROWLING)" "I love you." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" "(RACHEL LAUGHS)" "That was so clever of you." "Mescaline. (LAUGHS)" "How did you ever think of that?" "(MUMBLES) Alva." "Oh, but why should I be so surprised?" "My little literary genius." "(PETER MUMBLES)" "I knew you could keep our passion a secret." "Sweet dreams, my angel." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" " (PETER HUMMING) - (WATER RUNNING)" "Huh?" "What's that?" "Wanna join me?" "Well, absolutely, love." "Oh, watch your step." "Come on, now." "Don't do that." "I have to go to work." "(GIGGLES) Stop it now, come on." "Whoo-hoo. (LAUGHS)" "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "Thank God it's Friday, that's all I've got to say." "All I'm gonna do this weekend is stay home and sleep." "(LAUGHS) This place is driving me crazy." " Mornin', everyone." " Good morning." "Hmm." "I wonder what Alva's doing today." "(PHONE BEEPS)" "JUDY:" "Yes, Mr. Loew?" "Judy, would you send Alva in here, please?" "She called in sick today, Mr. Loew." " Did she?" " Yes, she said she had a very bad cold." " A bad cold." "Thanks, Judy." " Mm-hmm." "A bad cold." "My, my, my." " (BIRDS CHIRPING) - (CHILDREN YELLING)" "ALVA:" "I'm not going to work today, Mami." "My boss is a bastard." "Don't you use that kind of language in front of me." "Well, it's true." " I hate him." " Yes, "I hate him." "I hate him."" "What do you think?" "That's an excuse not to go to work?" "Huh?" "You know how many people hate their boss?" "I hate my boss, but do I stay home and cry about it?" " I know, Mami, but..." " Listen, young lady, you can't afford to lose that job!" "You'll get no more money from your father and me." " I'll just get another job." " I'm late." "Now get dressed and get your little ass into the city." " No." " Now!" "(WHISTLING)" "(WOLF WHISTLES)" "(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)" "(TAPS ON WINDOW)" "(GASPS) What are you doing here?" "What, Alva?" "I can hardly hear you through this window." "(LOUDER) What are you doing here?" "I heard you were sick." "A terrible cold." " I'm calling the police." " The police?" "Alva, I'm here to call a truce, man." "Look..." "I just took a $20 taxi ride all the way up here so I could tell you" "I think it was wrong the way I treated you yesterday." "Now, is that an elaborate gesture or what?" "Plus, look." "Soup." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Hi." "Mr. Loew, I stayed till one in the morning, and I still couldn't find the contract." "Oh, Alva, don't worry about it." "It's understandable, really." "Yeah, but I know how..." "how worried you were about losing Mr. Heatherton as a client." "Alva, right now what's most important is your health." "Well, I'm... you see, I'm not really sick, Mr. Loew." "It's just that, really, I was just, you know, afraid to go back to the office without the contract." "Alva, I had a feeling that was the case and that's why I came all the way up here." "Because it's my fault you feel that way." "Oh, no, no, no." "I know you're trying to run an efficient office." "That may be, but some things just take time." "Hey, Alva." "The way I feel is, the hell with Frank Heatherton." "You know, if he wants to go to another agency, fine." "So, what do you say?" "Do you wanna come to work?" "(SIGHS)" "Door-to-door service, madam." "On me." "Truce?" "Okay, truce." "Just give me a few minutes." "I'll be right back." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" "It's horrible when there are tensions between employer and employee, Alva." "Sometimes the pressures, you know, they just build up." "Wait till you get into a position of authority." "(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, I mean, if I ever do." "You will, Alva." "You're a very bright girl." "That's how I know that today, by God, is the day you're gonna find that damned Heatherton contract." "I..." "I thought you said that..." "that you didn't care if, uh..." "Mr. Heatherton left the agency." "I mean, I thought you said that... that everything took time." "Ah, but, Alva, that doesn't mean we're gonna stop trying to do the best damn job we can." "The work's not just gonna go away, Alva." "It never just goes away." "(YELLING) That goddamn contract is somewhere in those goddamn fucking files!" "(RETCHING)" "(GROANING)" " Are you all right, Mr. Loew?" " Shut up, bitch." "ALVA:" "Mr. Loew, uh..." "I was supposed to give some money to my brother" " and..." " (GAGGING) ...he works in that gas station over there." "You think it's okay if we stop for a second?" "Yes, go." "Emilio?" " Hey." " Come to the back." "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "(GROANS)" " (INDISTINCT NOISE ON TV)" "Hey." "Don't take it so hard, sis." "If you got the time to lean, you got the time to clean." "It's the same all around." "Old Man Randolph, he throws fits all the time." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, listen to me, okay?" "This guy is very weird." "I'm telling you." " (GROANS)" " DRIVER:" "You all right, pal?" "(PANTING)" "That's my baby." "(STRAINED) Your..." " wife?" " 50 years." "Keeps me going." "There is work and there is love." "I'm right?" "You are married man?" "Emilio." "Remember this?" "I want you to give me bullets for it." "Put that away." "Are you crazy?" "No, I'm not crazy!" "You gave it to me, right?" "Well, then, what good is it if I can't use it?" "Shh!" "What's good is it'll scare the shit out of any motherfucker comes close enough to spit on you." "Look, you ain't even supposed to be carrying this thing around." "Please?" "I'm asking you, Emilio." "Where is that little cunt?" "(LAUGHS) Look..." "Randolph don't even keep real bullets in his gun, man." "Ah, no?" "But what about the robbery?" "I mean, when those pigs came here to rob..." "He scared them off with blanks." "That's all he has here, Alva, is blanks, you know?" "Okay, then give me the fucking blanks." "Fine." "$44.50 only." "Fucking clean me right out!" "Crazy Jews." "(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "I just shelled out almost 50 bucks to get you back here, Alva." "You better hope you make it worth it to me." "(BREATHING SHAKILY)" "(WATER RUNNING)" "(GROANS)" "(GASPS) Oh, Christ." "Oh, Christ, where... where am I?" "Where am I?" "(STAMMERING)" "Where am I?" "Oh, Chr..." "Christ!" "Where am I?" "(HYPERVENTILATES)" "I've become one." "A vampire." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God, where am I?" "SIDNEY:" "You're in the goddamn crapper, Loew, and I'm taking a dump." "So either leave the goddamn acting lessons for home or go back to the ladies' room!" "(BEEPS)" "JUDY:" "Arthur Hesse on L-1, Mr. Loew." "Tell him I'm out." "In fact, tell anyone who calls" "I'm out." "I'm in a meeting." "JUDY:" "Are you all right, Mr. Loew?" " Tell him I'm in a meeting." " Oh, yes, Mr. Loew." "It's impossible." "It can't be." "It's impossible." "It can't be." "(POLICE SIREN WAILING)" "(KNOCKS ON DOOR)" "Mr. Loew?" "I found the contract." "Mr. Loew, I found it!" "Mr. Loew?" "(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Mr. Loew?" "I found the contract." "I never found the right woman, that's all." "I just..." "I never found the right woman." "There's work and there's love." "I'm right?" "ALVA:" "Mr. Loew?" "I found the contract." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Mr. L..." "I finally found..." "Well... it's just... too late, Alva." "But why is it too late?" "It's too late, Alva." "It's not too late." "Too late." "Too late." "It's not too late." " It's not too late!" " Too late!" "Too late!" " Too late!" "Too late!" " Get away!" "It's too late, Alva!" "It's all too late, Alva!" " ALVA:" "Get away!" " Come here!" " Come here, Alva!" " (SCREAMS) Stay away!" "(PANTING)" "(ALVA SCREAMS)" "(WHIMPERING)" "Stay away!" " Do it." " I will." "Do it, Alva." "Do it." "(CRYING) I swear to God I will!" "Alva, do it or I'll fire you." "Do you understand?" "Unemployment." "Can you live with that?" "Oh, please." " Do it, God damn it!" " Please, don't rape me." "Rape you?" "I will." "Come on, Alva." " Shoot." " (CRYING)" "Oh, God!" "(CRYING)" "Not the floor, Alva." "Me!" " Stay away!" " (GUNSHOT)" "Me!" "Me!" " (GUNSHOT)" " Damn it." "Help me." " Help me!" " (GUNSHOTS)" "Shoot me!" "Me!" "Me!" "Me!" " You're fired!" " Oh, please!" "God!" "(SCREAMS, CRYING)" "God!" "(SCREAMING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(CRYING)" "You're with me now, angel. (LAUGHING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(GASPING)" "Boo-hoo!" "(WHIMPERING)" "Boo-hoo!" "Hey." "Hey, I'm a vampire." "A real vampire." "I'm a vampire!" "I'm a vampire!" "I'm a vampire!" "I'm a vampire!" "I'm a vampire!" "I'm a vampire!" " (DOG BARKING) - (CAR HORNS HONKING)" "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)" " I'm hungry." " (LAUGHS)" "Well, well." "You're with me now." "You're completely with me." "You're like me now, my angel." "You know what you have to do." " (KNOCKS ON DOOR)" " MOTHER:" "Alva?" "What's the matter with you?" "Come on, now." "Breakfast is on the table." "(WHISPERS) Leave me alone." "MOTHER:" "Alva?" "Alva!" "Don't know." "She don't want to get out of bed." "She's tired, I guess." " She go out last night?" " I don't know." "She didn't get in that late." "She went right into her room." "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(GROANS)" "Alvy?" "Alvy, you awake?" "Alva?" "You all right?" "Go away." "Yeah, well, I'll be at the station today, you want talk." "Yeah, well, I'll see ya." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Fucking bastards!" "We just got these in." "Now, these are fiberglass." "Very lifelike." "See the way they color them?" "Just a little touch of yellow so they blend in better." " How much?" " Those are $19.95." "What's the matter?" "Do you have anything for less?" "Oh, sure." "I got some cheapie plastic ones." "They're only $3.50." "Cheapie..." " I will take the plastic." " Okay." " (LINE RINGING) - (PHONE RINGING)" " Hello?" " Hello, Dr. Glaser?" "This is Peter Loew." "Peter Loew." "Yes, Peter, how are you?" "I wonder if I could make my next appointment with you sooner." "I'd really like to make it sooner." "Well, uh..." "let's see." "My next appointment with you is, uh..." "is Tuesday afternoon, right?" "I'd like to make it sooner." "DR. GLASER:" "I'm open on Tuesday morning." "How's that?" " Sooner." " Uh-huh." "Peter, do you have a cold?" " A cold." "Yeah." " Okay, look, I could squeeze you in on Monday afternoon." "Can you make that?" " (WHINES) Oh, sooner." " Peter, is it something very urgent?" "PETER:" "Very urgent, yes." " All right." " Hurry up, honey." "I'll tell you what." "Uh..." "Why don't you come in first thing Monday morning and I'll come in to the office early?" " 7:30, all right?" " 7:30." " Monday morning." " DR. GLASER:" "That's right." "7:30 Monday morning." "(PIGEONS COOING)" "(PIGEON COOING)" "(BURPS)" "(BURPS)" "(SIGHS)" "(BEEPS)" "(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)" "(CAT YOWLING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "(CROWD SHOUTING)" " (GROANS)" " Whoa!" " (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Why not come closer" "To my hungry lips?" "If you come closer" "I'll feel your fingertips" "Why not come closer" "To my hungry lips?" "If you come closer" "I'll squeeze your velvet hips..." "(SNIFFS)" "Hello?" "Hi, I was just thinking" "Well" "(LAUGHS)" "Who's there?" "Yeah..." "(SLAPS)" "(SLAPS)" "No!" "(GROANING)" "(COUGHING)" "I'm sorry." "(GROANING)" "RACHEL:" "Very antisocial, Peter." " Extremely antisocial behavior." " (GROANING)" "My, my goodness." "However are you going to continue this way?" "Rachel." "Are you actually going to go through with this every night?" "I can do it." "I know I can do it now." "I'm like you, remember?" "(LAUGHS)" "Peter, you are so pathetic." "This?" " I love you." " (LAUGHING)" "I like you." "You disgust me, Peter. (SPITS)" " You're with me." " Don't touch me." "You are with me." "Well, it doesn't look like it." "Does it, Donald?" "No." "Doesn't appear that way, does it?" "Doesn't appear that way at all." "I love you." "You can't just walk away." "(CRYING) You don't know what you're doing." "Damn it!" "I said I love you!" "(RETCHES)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" " Hey, buddy!" " You don't remember me?" "!" "You don't remember me?" "!" " Peter, right?" " Yes!" "Right!" "Peter!" "Right!" " Well, how are you?" " How am I?" " Get off!" " Buddy, calm down!" "(GRUNTING)" "Let go of me, you fuck!" "(GRUNTS) You see her teeth?" " Shut up!" " PETER:" "You see her teeth?" "!" " Shut up..." " She's a goddamn vampire!" " No!" " Get out of here!" "You fucking cunt!" "You're breaking up with me after I sucked that broad bone dry." "PETER:" "Look at her teeth, all of you." "She's a goddamn vampire!" "She made me one, too!" "Look at her teeth!" "Look at her teeth!" "She's a goddamn vampire!" "She made me one, too!" " (COMMOTION)" " Stay out!" "You see, I know I am." "I'm a vampire." "I can prove it." "You got a gun?" "You got a gun?" "Get the fuck off me!" " No!" "Don't!" " (CROWD LAUGHING)" "Please!" "Don't!" "MAN:" "Better get back in your coffin, buddy." "The sun's almost up." "She was just a fucking high school cunt and I don't believe I ever really loved her, you know, but she's a cunt, a high school... (SCREAMS) No!" "No sun!" "Christ!" "This is the end!" "I can't take it anymore!" "Go ahead!" "Kill me!" "Hey, what's doing?" "Hey." "Hey, what's wrong?" "(CRYING)" "Oh, God." "Hey, hey." "(CRYING, GASPING)" "Hey, now." "Hey, hey." "What's the matter, baby?" " Huh?" " (SOBBING)" "What's the matter?" "Tell me." "Tell me." " (GASPING)" " Tell me what happened." "(POLICE SIREN IN DISTANCE)" "My girlfriend broke up with me." "I'm a vampire." "Kill me." "Kill me!" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Your rosary beads." "Take them out and put the cross up to me like this." " I no speak the English." " The cross." "The crucifix." "Me vampire!" "Vampire, you idiot." "Nosferatu." " (CHURCH BELL TOLLING)" " Christ!" "The tortures of the damned!" "(WAILING)" "(WAILING)" "(CAR HORN HONKS)" " (WAILING) - (CAR HORN HONKS)" " (CAR HORN HONKING)" " DRIVER:" "Get the hell out of my way!" " Are you nuts?" "Are you crazy?" " (WAILING)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "(ALVA WHIMPERING)" "All right." "Just tell me when you see him." "Sorry, I forgot." "Where did we leave off?" "Well, Peter, you wanted very much to make an earlier appointment, so what's up?" "Well, I've been thinking about my depressions very seriously, and frankly, I just don't think you can help me." "I think your profession is entirely bogus." "Entirely." "From my point of view, that is." "You really think so?" "Yes, I do." "I've been spending a lot of money here and I just think it's time for a change." "A change?" "What exactly did you have in mind for yourself?" " Don't laugh." " I'm a professional, I don't laugh." "Um... love." "Love?" "Yes, baby, real love." "The sweep-me-off-my-feet," " the big L. - (POLICE SIREN BLARING)" "What?" "No, I'm not talking about fairytale love." "I'm talking about a mature relationship." "What do you think, I'm a kid?" "I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking," ""Sure, let's see him go out in the jungle and try to find love." "He'll come crawling back here in no time."" "I know it isn't easy, but I know it's possible." "Hell, I see it around me every day." "Do you know how horrible it is to see it around you every day?" "Do you know what kind of torture that is?" "I'll find it, God damn it." "I'll find it for myself, and then I'll be happy." "Holy shit, then I'll be happy." "(SNICKERING)" "I mean... (LAUGHING)" "You said you wouldn't laugh." "I am... (LAUGHS)" "It just... um... (LAUGHS)" "I'm sorry." "I'm only... (LAUGHS)" "I'm only laughing because, well, uh... if you had told me, if you had just told the good doctor... the time you could have saved." "The money the both of you could have saved." "Both of us?" "Both of us?" "What do you mean the both of us?" "(WHISPERS) You and Sharon." " (WHISPERS) Sharon?" " (DR. GLASER WHISPERING) Yes!" "The patient who comes in after you." "She complains of exactly the same thing you do and... (CHUCKLES) ...personality-wise," "I think you two are made for each other." " Really?" " Oh!" "I should have matched you two guys up a long time ago!" " (DOORBELL RINGS)" " Hey, I think she's here now." "I'll just go and check." "Sharon." "What a beautiful name." "It's incredible." "It's really incredible." "Ah!" "Sharon, this is Peter Loew." " Hi." " Hi." "I like poetry, horseback riding," "Vivaldi, and long weekends in the country." "Those are exactly the same things that I like." "Wait a minute." ""We walked along, while bright and red uprose the rising sun."" " Wordsworth." " Incredible." "Wow." "I guess you two won't be needing me anymore." "I guess not." "Thank you so much, Dr. Glaser." "This one's going to last, I can tell." " It was written in the stars." " Written in the stars, yes." " Do you like Japanese food, Sharon?" " It's the best." "So..." " BOTH: ...refreshing." " Did you see that?" "We're on exactly the same wavelength." "Fantastic." "So long, Dr. Glaser." "Oh, I almost forgot." "Yes, Peter?" "Well, I did rape someone a couple nights ago." "A girl at the office." "I just lost control." "It's just a little id release, no use to worry." "(EXHALES SLOWLY)" "I just thought I should tell you, okay?" "It's a load off my mind." "Oh, yeah... also, I, uh..." "Just spit it out, Peter." "Well, the fact is, I did murder someone last night." "I turned into a vampire, it's a long story." " Goodness." " DR. GLASER:" "Peter, Peter, Peter, people get murdered every day in this city." "Do you think the world is going to stop?" "Yeah, I guess, but the police and everything." "What if they find me?" "Would you stop worrying and just get on with your big romance." "He hasn't even been arrested and the big lug is carrying on." "Now, just get out of here, the both of you." "Have a wonderful life together and I will take care of the cops." "Go on, get out, both of you." "Out, out, out." "Tsh, tsh, tsh." "Thank you very much, Dr. Glaser." "(SMOOCHES) You are a gem." "Come on, Sharon." "(WHISTLING)" "You like that tune?" "Yeah." "Well, actually, I live up right around here." "Do you wanna come up?" "You can join me." "Okay." "Well, I was born in Philadelphia, but I've been a New Yorker now for going on 10 years." "What about you?" " Ah, nice." " WOMAN:" "Here you go." "It's very beautiful country up there." "Yeah." "What?" "This?" "It's like I started saying before, I turned into a vampire last week." "It's all in the past, though." "You okay?" "You know..." "(GASPS) There he is." "Nah, I don't wanna talk about it anymore." "I mean, it's all from a very unhappy period in my life and I don't wanna talk about it." "End of subject, okay?" "Sharon..." "God damn it, what'd I just say?" "(ALVA WHIMPERING)" "You don't let up, do you, cunt?" "I mean, you just keep harpin' and harping' over the same goddamn thing." "(IMITATES WOMAN) "Why did you become a vampire?" "Why couldn't you be normal?" "Well, Peter, does this mean we can never have children?"" "'Cause there's no way in hell that I would ever, ever marry a loudmouth pig like you." "'Cause in the 10 minutes I'm with you and the shit just starts right up." "What?" "What?" "You hate my guts?" "You wanna go home?" "You wanna leave?" "Good." "Fine." "(MUFFLED BABY CRYING)" "(CREAKS)" "Get the hell out of here, you fucking pig!" "Leave me the fuck alone!" "I really can't handle these relationships." "Maybe I should see a shrink." "(RETCHING)" "(CLANGS)" "(EMILIO PANTING) Get up." " (PETER MOANING)" " EMILIO:" "Get up, motherfucker!" "(PETER GROANING)" "(PETER SCREAMING)" "(GURGLES)" "Dream of me, my angel." "Dream of me." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "RACHEL:" "Dream of me, my angel." "Dream of me." "(MUSIC CONTINUES)"