"Jeff:" "Our battle for roast supremacy climaxes tonight live." "Let's roll!" "The meanest mouths in comedy have mowed down the competition." "It's like a Lannister versus a Flintstone." "[ Laughter ]" "Jeff:" "We've had upsets..." "Wait a minute." "He gets two?" "...controversies..." "I could not get past the clipboard." "I'm sorry, Jimmy." "Jeff:" "...and total annihilation..." "Ohh [bleep]" "Now only four are left in the tournament." "It's K. Trevor Wilson..." "I'm gonna carry Canada across the finish line." "You look like "Tim Burton Presents a Stand-Up Comedian."" "[ Laughter ]" "Jeff: ..." "Sarah Tiana..." "To be here in the finals, to be the only woman " "I'm shocked." "You really love your own jokes." "That explains why your eyebrows are always high-fiving each other." "[ Laughter ]" "Jeff:" "...Mike Lawrence..." "My wife thought I would have died of Ralphie May-related injuries by now." "You know, black people love Ralphie -- mainly because he breaks through walls to give them Kool-Aid." "[ Laughter ]" "Jeff:" "...and Earl Skakel." "I'm the legend killer." "Bring 'em on." "Earl:" "Jimmy, whenever I see you," "I expect to see David Beckham around you 'cause you're such a posh [bleep]" "[ Laughter ]" "Jeff:" "Tonight's judges, Judd Apatow and Sarah Silverman, will help decide who becomes champion." "This was the greatest show I have ever been to." "Jeff:" "This is it -- the finals of "Roast Battle."" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "[ Crowd chanting "Battle!" "Battle!" ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "What's up, roast fans?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Welcome to the live grand finale of "Roast Battle."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "This has been the greatest week of my life, the world championships of competitive roasting, four straight nights of verbal violence, and tonight we're making TV history with Comedy Central's first-ever, live, comedic sporting event." "[ Cheers and applause, air horn honks ]" "Pick your favorites." "So, place your bets." "This is like the Olympics for assholes." "[ Laughter ]" "We've met battlers from four countries, and they've all been caught doping." "[ Laughter ]" "None of these people should be on TV -- none of them." "Who would have believed this?" "Roasting is a movement, everybody." "It's changing the world." "We roasted Donald Trump." "He might become president of the United States." "[ Laughter, booing ]" "We roasted " "We roasted Justin Bieber." "He had the number-one album in the world." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And we roasted Charlie Sheen, and he got AIDS." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Men chanting "Roasting!" "Roasting!" "Roasting!" ]" "Uh, hey, Wave." "How you doing." "All:" "Whoa!" "Jeff:" "Oh." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Wave." "Love you guys." "When you hear a home run tonight," "I need you guys to go crazy, just like everybody in this room, okay?" "'Cause it's not "Roast Battle" without The Wave, everybody." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Siren walls ]" "Joining me tonight are two of the most Jewish names in comedy, Judd Apatow and Sarah Silverman." "[ Cheers and applause, siren wails ]" "Judd, you're really gonna love tonight's finalists." "One's knocked up, one's a train wreck, one's a 40-year-old virgin, and one's super bad." "[ Laughter ]" "I'll let you decide which one's which." "Judd, you've been following the action all week." "How do you feel about the tournament?" "I've come several nights, and I just want to say how proud and excited and ashamed I am to be here." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "Thank you, Judd." "Hey, how many people saw Sarah's kick-ass speech this week at the Democratic National Convention?" "[ Cheers and applause, air horn honks ]" "[ Whistling ]" "Sarah, tell us, how is "Roast Battle" different from politics?" "[ Laughter ]" "In politics, they say -- Yeah." "In politics, they say "pussy" less than here." "[ Laughter ]" "Ow!" "Yes." "Jeff:" "Ah." "Thank you, Sarah." "Thank you both for being here tonight." "We're down to the fearsome foursome, the meanest of the mean." "Our four finalists are Earl Skakel, Sarah Tiana," "Mike Lawrence, and Canada's K. Trevor Wilson." "[ Cheers and applause, siren wails ]" "There's an echo." "There's an echo." "Hold on." "Hold on." "All these people had to win two battles each to get here, and they're gonna have to win two more to take home the trophy, everybody." "I can't wait anymore." "We're fucking live, so let's get our referee out here!" "Here he is, my friend, Brian motherfucking Moses!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hey!" "[ All chanting "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" ]" "Hey!" "[ Chanting continues ]" "Hey, yo, yo, yo!" "This is it!" "This is the finals!" "Last night of "Roast Battle."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Laughs ]" "We have two semifinal matches, and the winners will face each other tonight live!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "This will be a lot of fun, man." "Are you ready for your first battle?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Sick." "First up is a guy nobody thought would be here in the semifinals." "He's our Cinderella story and not just because his head is the size of a pumpkin." "[ Laughter ]" "From The Comedy Store in L.A., please, make it very loud for L.A.'s own Earl Skakel!" "[ Cheers and applause, dramatic music plays ]" "His opponent, so far in "Roast Battle,"" "has been a man-eater." "She's beaten dudes from New York, Texas." "Now she's battling this dude from L.A." "Please, make it very loud for "The Rotten Peach From Georgia,"" "Sarah Tiana!" "[ Cheers and applause ] ♪ Hey, little missy" "♪ You want to rock your world" "♪ The hardest girls" "♪ Are country girls" "[ Guitar solo ]" "All right, you two, you know the rules." "Jeff, what do you think about this matchup?" "It's not even about tonight for these two." "I love these two so much." "This is a lifetime of work to get both of you here." "So, no matter happens, I think you both already won." "That having been said, I hope you both fucking kick the shit out of each other." "[ Laughter ]" "Here are the rules of "Roast Battle."" "There's only three." "First of all, nothing's off-limits except for physical contact, so don't touch each other, all right?" "Second rule -- original material only." "Earl, have some better material than you did against Jimmy yesterday." "[ Laughter ]" "Uh, likewise." "[ Laughter ]" "You're my day one." "I love you." "At the of every battle everybody, we hug." "All:" "Aww." "Whatever!" "It's four jokes." "It's one round." "Who wants to go first?" "I think we should treat it like Earl's normal sex " "We'll let you finish, and then I'll go." "[ Cheers and applause, siren wails ]" "Whoo!" "All right." "Battle!" "Battle!" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Sarah..." "[ Laughs ] you're gonna be a great mom one day." "And your kid's gonna look up at you and go," ""Mommy, why don't I exist?"" "[ Laughs ]" "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Applause, siren wails ]" "I know." "Earl doesn't have kids, either, unless you count all the ones on his hard drive at home." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Sarah's vagina is like a community pool " "It'll burn your eyes, give you a rash, and at the end of the day black guys ruin it for everybody." "[ Laughter ]" "Wow." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Sighing ] Oh, man." "A lot of people think that Earl resembles Jared from Subway." "But he's nothing like that guy because that guy got caught." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Sarah actually has a drink named after her." "It's called The Tiana." "It's a vodka Red Bull with a plan "B" chaser." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Applause, gong rings ]" "[ Sighs ] I love it." "I don't know if anybody knows this, but Earl has sent me dick pics before." "Yes, you can admit that." "So now I know he's taken two bad headshots." "[ Cheers and applause, air horn honks ]" "Brian:" "Last joke!" "Well, Sarah, your idea of a headshot is the dick bouncing off your forehead." "[ Audience ohhs, laughter ]" "[ Siren walls ]" "[ Laughing ] Wow." "Oh, my God." "Earl, you know, everybody knows that you're one of the Kennedy family, and you always make a lot of grand entrances, you know, when you come out here, which is so unlike a Kennedy," "because usually you guys go out with a bang." "[ Audience ohhs, [ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gun cocks, gunshots ]" "[ Siren walls ]" "[ Bell dings ] Keep it going!" "Sarah Tiana." "Earl Skakel." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Air horn honks ]" "Let's go to our Schindler's list of judges " "Apatow, Silverman -- Go ahead, Ross." "That was a very, very funny battle." "Congratulations, both of you." "I really enjoyed that." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Earl, I really love it." "I don't know what you're wearing." "Are you dressed like a maple "queef"?" "[ Laughter ]" "Judd, Sarah, what do you guys think?" "Judd, what do you think?" "I was very distracted by the maple leaf leaning to the left most of the time." "[ Laughter ]" "I don't know if I even heard anything that just happened." "I was just mesmerized by the rocking, hypnotic motion." "I thought it was very, very close." "You guys were both really hilarious." "And there were just wonderful child-molester jokes and wonderful abortion jokes." "I don't know." "I think it's a tough one." "What do you think, Sarah?" "Wow." "I mean, that was so strong." "Both of you were -- killed." "And, Tiana, you had such a hard-core comeback, so many -- [ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Clears throat ]" ""cum all over his keyboard" and a headshot and the " "I mean, there's so many " "Earl, you also had so many great jokes." "I mean, Sarah, you're used to killing wherever you go." "I love the joy that you have dong it, and, you know, the great thing that I love about "Roast Battle" so much -- And, Bryan, I'm so proud of you." "Brian used to, like, live in my apartment, and now I'm plotzing and kvelling 'cause he has this amazing show." "And what you did about with roasts is you made this palatable presence of love in it." "And that's what makes roasts great." "And you really see it." "And, Sarah, you're just so bubbly, and you remind me of, like, Goldie Hawn in "Laugh In."" "And, Earl," "you were very funny, but I got to give it to Sarah." "But it was really close -- really close." "[ Cheers and applause ] Had cool jokes, very funny " "Judd, we got to pick somebody, Judd." "I never like to be somebody who breaks dreams, Jeff." "That's why this is very hard for me." "You're a dream maker, Judd." "Everyone knows that." "But, Earl, your dream just died." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "So close, though." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Actually " " Actually..." "Actually, I enjoyed that." "I think I am now a dream-crusher." "I got addicted." "Earl you were the house hater at the at The Comedy Store, Original " " Belly Room." "You moved all the way up to finals of "Roast Battle."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Earl, this is your Yankee Stadium right here, dude." "I'm so proud of you." "That was amazing." "Sarah Tiana, the hard-drive joke, the bad headshot joke -- You are a joke assassin." "I love you dearly." "Congratulations." "You're going to the final." "Brian:" "Hug each other." "Ohh!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Siren walls ]" "Yo, winner and moving on to the finals, Sarah Tiana!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Jeff:" "Coming up, another semifinal battle between "Mad Dog" Mike Lawrence and "The Canadian Dream," K. Trevor Wilson." "This is "Roast Battle."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hey, welcome back to "Roast Battle"" "live from Montreal, Canada." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Whoo-ooh!" "Let's get to our next battle." "Our next roaster has a home-field advantage, not just 'cause he's the only Canadian in the tournament..." "[ Cheers and applause ] ...but also because this looks just like the basement he lives in." "Folks, make it loud for K. Trevor Wilson!" "[ Cheers and applause, "O Canada" plays ]" "His opponent has beaten people of all shapes and sizes." "He's a comic's comic and a nerd's nerd with a beard's beard." "From New York City, Mike Lawrence." "[ Cheers and applause, rock music plays ]" "[ Laughs ] Oh, man." "This looks like a logging competition..." "[ Laughter ] like I'm officiating the outdoor games." "Moses, I'm confused -- Is this Comedy Central or National Geographic?" "[ Laughter ]" "It's like freaks versus geeks." "This is fun, man." "He looks like what happens when I'm fed after midnight." "[ Laughter ]" "Moses " " I love you guys." "After this, I'm gonna split in half and absorb him like a Russian doll." "Ohh!" "Yo." "Jeff:" "This will be a good one." "These guys are two top-notch battlers." "It's like two guys who love seconds battling for first." "[ Laughter ]" "Have fun, you guys!" "The best of the best right here " "I'm really psyched for this battle -- two of my favorites." "Doppelgaengers, who wants to go first?" "Home-field advantage?" "You're a guest here, so your call." "Jeff, who's going first?" "Jeff:" "Mike Lawrence, you go first." "All right." "Let's do it." "U.S.A., Canada -- Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings, cheers and applause ]" "Trevor, you hungry, hungry hipster..." "[ Laughter ] you look like if Mumford ate all of his sons." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause, siren wails ]" "You know, I'm actually tired of getting compared to Mike Lawrence." "I am a fat comic." "You're just a doughy cunt." "[ Laughs ] [ Audience ohhs ]" "Pick a size, bud." "Either fucking lose weight or give up, but make a choice." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Cheers and applause, air horn honks ]" "That was a good one, Jonah Hill-billy." "[ Laughter ]" "You know Trevor's never been in a relationship." "The closest he's ever been to someone is when he tried to claw off DiCaprio's face in "The Revenant."" "[ Laughter ]" "Mike's actually had a really good year." "He's collected almost as many Pokémon as he has rape souvenirs." "[ Laughs ] [ Air horn honks ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Jeff:" "What does that mean?" "Trevor looks like what happens when you die in the first five minutes of "Oregon Trail."" "[ Laughter ]" "[ Trumpet bugles ]" "Mike actually followed in his mother's footsteps and became a shitty comedian." "We're all waiting for you to follow in your dad's footsteps and fuck off forever." "[ Laughter, air horn honks ]" "Brian:" "Last joke." "Trevor just saw his first black person ever." "[ Laughter ]" "Trevor, you sound like an animatronic Santa Claus running out of batteries." "the only thing lower than your voice is your chances of finding love." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Applause ]" "I was actually really nervous about roasting Mike -- not because we're so similar but because this is Quebec, and could get fined 42 grand for making fun of a retard." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Air horn honks ]" "[ Laughter ]" "[ Bell dings ]" "Keep it going." "Mike Lawrence." "K. Trevor Wilson." "[ All chanting "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" ]" "The Wave " "Keep it going for The Wave." "That was disgusting." "Whoa!" "Jeffrey Ross, who you like?" "Not bad for couple of ice-cream truckers." "[ Laughter ]" "Super, super funny -- Two of the best joke writers in this entire tournament right here." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Sarah... what do you think, roastmaster-ess -- miss" "That was so good." "And it is crazy 'cause you look so much alike." "It looks " "Like, Trevor looks like " "Trevor's body looks like a case for Mike's body." "[ Laughter ]" "Joke for jokes, I mean, it was really close." "You guys are both so great and " " But I would " "I give it -- Well, let's just say," "Trevor, I wrote down "rape souvie."" "I had to explain to Jeff what that is." "A lot of times, rapists might want to take a little souvenir." "That was brilliant, but I think Mike, joke for joke, had more, and I would give it to Mike." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "I love you, Trevor." "[ Cheering ]" "Judd Apatow?" "I just want to say that you guys have probably made your families so proud tonight." "[ Laughter ]" "And to have your Dad, Brian, here..." "[ Laughter ] to see it... it's just wonderful." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Both of my retarded sons." "[ Laughter ]" "The stem cell they were made from -- nice." "I, uh..." "Yeah, you guys are both crazy funny, and those are incredible jokes." "They really are." "And I think that Mike found a way to slip, like, three more in beyond the four, and the joke level is crazy, crazy high." ""Jonah Hill-billy."" "The beards are kind of the same length, so I can't judge those." "It's weird that you're insulting each other because you look exactly the same, so every insult actually works both ways..." "[ Laughter ] which is weird, right?" "Yeah." "Like the name "Bob" -- You can spell it both ways." "[ Laughter ] But I have to give it to Mike here." "I have to give it to Mike." "Oh!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Brian:" "Jeff, make it official." "K. Trevor Wilson, you are one of the funniest dudes." "Everyone in Canada knows you, and now everyone in America knows you, too." "[ Cheers and applause, air horn honks ]" "The winner, Mike Lawrence." "Hug each other." "Hug each other." "Hug each other." "Raise his hand, the winner, Mike Lawrence." "Congratulations." "Yo." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Moving on to the finals against Sarah Tiana," "Mike Lawrence!" "[ Cheers and applause, hip-hop beat plays ]" "The championship match is set " "Mike Lawrence versus Sarah Tiana." "They battle for the title live tonight." "But coming up, the roastmaster general is gonna roast some of you guys in a speed roast in the audience." "[ Cheers and applause ] Who wants in?" ""Roast Battle" -- We're live as fuck." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "We're live in Montreal." "We have two battles to go." "The roasters are backstage preparing their jokes." "And while they're doing that," "I'll get everybody in full roast mode right now." "Who wants to be speed roasted?" "[ Cheering ] Yeah?" "All right, come up here." "Come up here." "Hold on." "Hold on." "Huh?" "This guy, he's too drunk." "I don't know." "All right, come up." "You, too -- that guy." "[ Hip-hop beat plays ]" "All right." "All right, come on up." "Hurry up." "Hurry up." "Hurry up, Hurry up." "Hurry up." "All right, hurry up." "Hurry up." "All right." "How you doing, man?" "[ Shakily ] Good, you?" "Ew-eww!" "[ Laughter ]" "Boo-bah, shuppa-doopa-doopa-doo!" "[ Deep voice ] Open bar." "Are you French?" "Yes." "'Cause you smell like shit." "I figured." "[ Laughter ]" "Where are you going, sir?" "You're dressed like an umpire at a funeral." "[ Laughter ] How you doing man?" "What's going on." "Awesome to be here." "He looks like " "You look like him if his mother drank." "[ Laughter ]" "Yeah, yeah." "Huh?" "What are you doing?" "Where's the rest of your outfit?" "What's your name?" "Patricia." "Patricia, what do you do, Patricia?" "I'm a physiotherapist." "All right." "Nobody gives a shit about that." "[ Laughter ]" "How you doing, man?" "What's your story?" "Uh..." "Hi." "I'm Tanner." "What do you do, Tanner?" "I'm a student at McGill University." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "What are you studying?" "I know it's not fashion." "[ Laughter ]" "How you doing?" "I didn't know they had landscapers in Canada." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ All chanting, "Roast them!" "Roast them!" "Roast them!" ] Jeff:" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Oh, what's your name?" "Ela." ""Ena"?" "Ela." "Ela?" "Yes." "And what do you do, Ela?" "I'm your assistant." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Laughs ] Oh." "[ Laughter ]" "I thought we would have met sooner." "[ Laughter ]" "I love your French accent." "Why do I want to just put gravy and cheese curds all over you right now?" "[ Laughter ] Wow." "I thought I saw you in a porno " ""Two Girls, One Stanley Cup."" "[ Audience ohhs, applause ]" "You look like the chick that you order off craigslist." "[ Laughter ]" "And she looks like the chick that actually showed up at my hotel room." "[ Laughter ]" "Our championship battle is still coming up, but next, as a special bonus, I've invited Earl Skakel and K. Trevor Wilson to come back here and battle each other for third place." "It's "Roast Battle" live from Montreal." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Upbeat dance music plays ]" "Welcome back!" "Make some sounds with your hands and mouth for our deejay with the fastest hands and the slowest metabolism, that's Coach Tea." "[ Laughter ] Modulated voice:" "Y-y-your man, Coach Tea!" "Brian: [ Laughs ]" "And wouldn't be "Roast Battle"" "without everybody's favorite boy band and Twitter's favorite target, The Wave." "[ Siren walls, cheers and applause ]" "[ Laughter ]" "Both of these next roasters lost in the semis earlier tonight, but in a way that's a good thing because I wanted to see both of them battle anyway." "Are you ready for the next battle?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "For third place -- You can tell he's a Kennedy not just because he sounds drunk but because he just got assassinated..." "[ Audience ohhs ] from the City of Angels, Earl Skakel!" "[ Cheers and applause, rock music plays ]" "Next up, he's a double-double of Canadian comedy." "He's got a maple leaf on his heart and maple syrup in his veins, Canada's own K. Trevor Wilson." "[ Cheers and applause, rock music plays ]" "I love it." "Jeff:" "All right." "Third- and fourth-place battle." "I couldn't be more excited, fellas." "[ Laughs ] Yeah, it's for, like, number-one loser." "This is fun." "Or the battle of the serial killers." "All right, who wants to go first." "I'll go first." "Fuck yeah." "U.S.A., Canada " " Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings, cheers and applause ]" "K. Trevor, you look like you face-swapped with a water buffalo." "[ Laughter ]" "Earl's a Kennedy cousin, and in honor of his family, every time he climbs on stage, he die a tragic death." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And if he ever does kill, it's immediately covered up so no one knows about it." "[ Laughter, air horn honks, gun cocks, trumpet bugles ]" "K. Trevor's favorite soda is ginger ale not because he's a redhead but because he leaves every girl in Canada dry." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Saxophone plays ]" "Earl's dating history can be broken up into two columns -- consensual and "She was totally asking for it."" "[ Laughter ]" "You know, you brought up my Kennedy cousins." "Let me tell you, with the size of that head, if you were still riding with my Uncle that day, he'd still be alive." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Gun cocks, gunshots ]" "[ Laughter ]" "Earl, you're a rude trust-fund baby who says terrible things." "You're like Donald Trump, except I know you fucked a teenager." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Brian:" "Last joke." "Last joke." "K. Trevor, the next time you get a DUI, the tow truck's gonna come for you." "[ Audience ohhs, laughter ]" "Earl likes to dress up as pro wrestlers and work out." "I hope your next outfit is Chris Benoit 'cause the only thing your weight room should be used for is killing yourself and anyone who ever loved you." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Tires screech, crash ]" "[ Bell dings ]" "That's the third place." "Keep it going." "K. Trevor." "Earl Skakel." "[ Cheers and applause, siren wails ]" "Hat's off -- Hat's off to both you." "Jeffy, go ahead and start this one off." "Fantastic battle -- You both had a great tournament, and I, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate both of you doing this so much." "You just " "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Sarah, Judd?" "Well, that was really great." "And I know you guys had to write an enormous amount of jokes for every permutation that could happen tonight, so I'm in awe of your joke-writing ability." "You both got off amazing ones." "I think, though, the big-head Kennedy joke is an all-time classic." "[ Cheers and applause, gun cocks ]" "And so, even though I'm voting Earl," "I would like to say to K. Trevor " "Seth Rogan has been very busy, so you will be starring in "Knocked Up 8."" "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Cheers and applause, air horn honks ]" "That's A-T-E, right?" "As a pregnant woman." "[ Laughter ]" "I liked mine better -- A-T-E." "[ Laughter ]" "Fuck all of you." "[ Laughter ] Brian:" "Get 'em, Mom!" "Oh, my God, this is so hard." "I kind of tried to keep points." "And I think you're both so brilliant." "I thought that the Canada Dry joke was so good." "I'm really on the fence, but if I had to go with someone," "I'd go Earl, even though, Trevor, I've worked with you and I think you're so brilliant." "And I could never do this." "I mean, I have, and I'm very good at it, but..." "[ Laughter ] but not like this, but not like this." "[ Cheers and applause ] I'd need months." "Love you, Mom." "I think you're both " "Obviously, I think you're both hilarious." "K. Trevor, great, great job." "But, Earl, the Canada Dry joke, the uncle still alive -- a joke about Kennedy family that you told was amazing, so the self-deprecating thing isn't usually your thing, but you've really," "I think, redeemed yourself from the first battle of the night." "Congratulations." "You come in third place." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yo." "He's taking home something -- third place!" "Earl Skakel!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "The time has finally come, the roast battle to decide our world champion " "Sarah Tiana versus Mike Lawrence." "It's all or nothing." "It's live." "It's next." "It's "Roast Battle."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ All chanting "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" ]" "Brian:" "Yeah!" "[ Chanting continues ]" "Welcome back to "Roast Battle," the live finale!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "After four nights, 16 competitors, four rounds of battles, it's all come down to this, the main event for the "Roast Battle" championship trophy." "Let's bring them on out." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "She beat Earl Skakel to move on to the finals." "She's a Dixie chick who will punch you below the Mason-Dixon line." "[ Laughter ]" "Yes, she's a lady, but she's proven she's got the biggest balls here." "All the way from Georgia, our very own mouth of the south," "Sarah Tiana." "[ Cheers and applause, country music plays ]" "Welcome back, Sarah." "Thank you." "Holy cow." "He beat K. Trevor Wilson to move on to this championship battle." "He's a word-slinger." "He's a joke-slinger." "He's the lyrical Jesse James, the sweet-toothed mad man from the Big Apple." "Make it loud for Mike Lawrence!" "[ Cheers and applause, rock music plays ]" "[ All chanting "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" ]" "Which one of you two want to go first for the title?" "I think Mike should get used to hear this " "Sarah Tiana will go first." "Ohh." "Everybody..." "Yeah, girl!" "...the south, the north -- Are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ]" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Mike worked at McDonald's for eight years, and I think we know why he doesn't work there anymore " "They took away all the incentives." "I mean, they tore down all the playgrounds." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Gun cocks ]" "Really lucky that both your opponents look like pedophiles." "[ Laughter ]" "You know, people are asking me tonight if I'm gonna put Sarah in her place." "She's a 38-year-old woman in comedy." "There isn't one." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That's amazing." "That's funny." "Mike hates sports obviously." "[Laughs] For someone who doesn't like sports, you sure do look a lot like a 49er." "Oh, it's Canada." "Fuck me." "[ Laughter ] God damn it." "I'm sure someone will after." "[ Laughter ]" "Sarah's vagina is like a bar." "It's dank, full of drunk dicks, and children are immediately forced to leave." "[ Audience ohhs, applause ]" "Don't clap at that." "Don't clap at that." "[ Chuckling ] That's ridiculous." "Like, that joke was like every tampon I've ever used." "Despite what I've been told, I'm never shocked." "[ Laughter ]" "I don't know." "Go ahead." "[ Chuckles ]" "Sure." "Why not?" "Nobody cares." "[ Laughter ]" "No, I'm kidding." "Sarah, you know, people think she's a slut." "She's actually a real prude." "Se won't even put out new material." "[ Laughs ] [ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Brian:" "Last joke of the battle." "Wow." "Thank you, "Dirt" Vonnegut." "That was really funny." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ]" "Oh, man." "I don't -- I mean..." "Mike " " I mean, I don't know if you guys know this, but Mike sucked a dick in college." "He's very open about it." "[ Laughs ]" "That means, between the two of us onstage, we both know how to swallow a ball, but he doesn't know how to throw one." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Gunfire ]" "Sarah does lots of tours for the troops." "Finally, a drone they send overseas that never kills." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Gunfire ]" "Keep it going!" "[ Bell dings ] That's it!" "Last joke of the tournament!" "What do you think?" "Are you not entertained?" "[ All chanting "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" ]" "[ Audience groans ]" "There's pubes on the stage, and there's judges to judge." "Jeff, take it away." "You guys both cut deep on each other." "Did you hug?" "Is everything gonna be okay." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Just making sure." "We'll hug again later." "Huge fan." "That was really cutting deep." "Judd, you look like you're ready." "I've been in this game a little while, Jeff." "And every once in a while, I think to myself," ""There's no jokes left." "Why bother?"" "[ Laughter ]" "And then, I'll see something like the human wave shaving their pubic hair." "[ Laughter ]" "Whoa!" "And then, I am, like, reborn, and I fall in love with comedy once again." "I think that you guys are both amazing, but it's very hard to beat Mike because clearly, in a way that is amazing for this but probably difficult for life," "He clearly has no feelings." "[ Laughter ]" "But I thought his consistency of jokes was kind of crazy now and through the entire tournament." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you." "I don't mean to be schmaltzy." "I know I'm the one that gets schmaltzy, but I love seeing you guys laughing at each other's jokes and it makes it so special and the fact that you really cut deep and you were brutal with each other" "all the more is -- makes it nice that you're laughing at each other's jokes." "I have a hunch, heartbreakingly, Mike, that you would have to be much meaner to Sarah for her to find you attractive." "[ Laughter ] But, uh..." "[ Cheers and applause ] But..." "And, Sarah, you are such a star, and I'm such a fan." "And I love the toxic-shock-syndrome joke that may have just been for the ladies, but fuck that." "Tell jokes for the ladies." "There's more of us." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And that was a really good one." ""Swallowing a ball" is a little bit of a stretch." "I don't -- Is that what you swa" "Um, anyway, we'll talk." "I don't know." "I'm very confused." "It's been a while." "It's po" " Uh, yeah." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "Anyway, uh, Mike, you had so many jokes." "They were so hard-core." "They didn't always ring true." "They were sometimes based in the generic, like," ""She has a big pussy." "She fucks all the time." "She buh-buh-buh-buh," and, in a way," "I prefer that personally because it doesn't hurt as much 'cause it's just like that." "But then, you went real with, "She actually doesn't put out"" "and the new jokes." "Anyway, I'm talking too much, and I'm sure they're really mad in the -- Sarah, this is longer than a Judd Apatow movie." "[ Audience ohhs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ] Brian:[ Chanting ] Roast master!" "Roast master!" "I give it to Mike." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Triumphant music plays ]" "Brian:" "Wow." "Mike Lawrence." "Winner!" "Winner of the "Roast Battle," Mike Lawrence!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah, our champion -- Congratulations, Mike Lawrence, for winning the first-ever televised" ""Roast Battle" championship!" "How do you feel?" "How do you feel?" "I'm starting to feel all the jokes they said about me." "[ Laughter ]" "Thank you so much." "Give it one more round of applause to everybody from the tournament." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Brian Moses!" "Coach Tea!" "The Wave!" "You guys!" "Thank you, Judd Apatow." "I love you, Sarah." "Thank you, everybody." "I love you, too!" "It's been an incredible experience." "Our champion, Mike Lawrence, take a bow." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you." "Thank you, Montreal and Just For Laughs, for an incredible festival!" "Hopefully, we'll see you next year!" "Wave!" "Thank you, everyone." "Love you, Sarah." "[ Chanting ] Battle!" "Battle!" "Love you, Judd." "Congrats to everybody who competed!" "[ All chanting "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" ]"