"The claw machine is a popular way to pass time at the "Crab's Shack"." "Specially when the rat gets in it." " A little more left." "You can't pick him up by his foot, go for the chunky part." " I know what I'm doing, Earl." "I got to sneak up on him from the back while he's humping that Grover" "Now!" " Be careful when you pull him out of the slot, he's gonna be angry." " He's not gonna be angry." "I saved him." "Maybe I should have let him finish his business with grover before I took him." "MY NAME IS EARL 1x11 "Barn Burner"" " They are monsters, Darnell!" "Those kids are two little monsters." "They used my going out lipstick to draw boobs, on the car headlights again!" " Joy I'm tryin' to work..." " Sweetheart, you're picking crab meat out of claws." "It's not like you're in a hospital doing kidney transplantation." "There were a few things I missed about being married to Joy." "Her children were not two of them." " Boys get into trouble, Joy." "That was that they do." "Tell her Earl..." " Ohh I just... get the beer... and the rats back in the..." " What are you asking him for?" "I mean he was worse at disciplining those kids than you are." "She was right." "I found it best not to get involved." " Here you go." " Well, I'm sure if you put your two heads togheter, you'll be able to..." "Good luck." "I felt bad for Darnell." "But I felt good for me." "Those kids were no longer my problem." " those kids are beyond fixing." "They wouldn't even accept them over at that rotten kid's camp." "I mean I ran out of space on the application." "How bad do they have to be?" "Are you talking about the 'Right Choice Ranch'?" " Yeah." " Whose last name did you put on the application?" " Yours ." "Hickey." "That's their legal last name." "Dr Crabmeat here hasn't come up with the $180 to change their names yet." " Seems like a waste." "I like Hickey." " Dammit." "that's when I realized what I thought wasn't my problem" "Actually was." "Number 164:" ""Burned down a barn at the Right Choice Ranch"" "You see as children me and Randy got into a little trouble here and there." "And our parents didn't seem very entertained by our antics." "Eventually they had no choice but to take" "Randy and me to the Right Choice Ranch." "It was a nice little camp that helped troubled kids turn their lives around" "However their slogan raised some eyebrows." "RIGHT CHOICE RANCH TOUCHING BAD BOYS SINCE 1963" "Over the years they tried new slogans." "BRINGING BOYS TO THEIR KNEES SINCE 1963" "But they never could get it right." "FORCING BOYS TO TURN AROUND SINCE 1963" " The right choice is:" ""Hands on your head."" "The right choice is:" ""Hands on your knees."" "The right choice is:" ""Hands in the air!"" "Within a few hours we were already starting to learn we didn't have to be bad to have fun." "We also learnt, that Randy was afraid of birds." "Then, which brings us back to the list  it was an accident." "I had only recently taken up smoking and properly disposing of my cigarette butts  was a habit I hadn't mastered." "They sent Randy and I packing" "Any chance of us being reformed  went up in flames." "Now Joy's kids shouldn't have to payfor my mistakes." "Ìàìêà ìó, ùÿõà äà ñè èìàò äîñòàòú÷íî ñâîè ãðåøêè, çà êîèòî äà ïëàùàò." " You're goin' to a farm." " I'm not telling Randy, he's afraid of chickens... and the pope's big hat but mainly because he thinks there is a chicken under it." " Can I go?" "I worked in a farm growing up." " Oh, yeah?" "Where was it?" "." " I don't know." "We were always blindfolded when they took us there" "But I know they shot my father at San Pascual so I know it must have been north of the river of blood." " Man!" "Surprise destination?" "Give me a hint, Earl, like  , has funnel cakes." " Ok." "Does not have funnel cakes." " Does not have funnel cakes...?" "Ok." "I didn't like tricking Randy, but I was hoping he might conquer his fear of birds." "He's never grown out of it." "Hey Earl, did you see what that stupid bir..." "AHHH!" "WE DON'T DO ANYTHING INAPROPRIATE TO THE BOYS" " The Right Choice Ranch,?" " Yep." "Does not have funnel cakes." "I'm gonna cross that burned barn off my list." "You ok with that?" " Yeah, of course..." "Why wouldn't I be?" "Earl... that was a rooster That's a man chicken they're the meanest of them all." "They got that red flappy thing on their mouth I don't even know what they make that out of." "I'm afraid of birds and I don't care what you think of me." " It's ok." "We all have our fears." "I'm afraid of snakes and rape." " C'mon, let's go find the farmer." "I can't remember what chickens you are meant to play dead or punch'em in the nose." " Well I'll be..." "Earl Hickey?" "We've been telling everyone around here you're dead." " Nope, not dead yet!" "But my heart did stop briefly back in 1992, when I got stepped down at the Motorhead concert." " No, it's not that...it's just we tell the kids the legend of the barn burner, we think its kind of nice to finish it with you being dead." "Shot in the face actually." " Really?" " I have a legend." "And a plaque." "SITE OF THE BARN EARL HICKEY BURNED 1982" "BULLET THAT SHOT EARL HICKEY IN THE FACE" " you are the example the counselors use for someone who made... the wrong choice here at the Right Choice Ranch." " Hey, Bud..." "Little Hector said that seeing that baby lamb get born has convinced him to laser off his teardrop tattoo." "Hey, ok!" "Hector!" "Bueno!" "Bueno!" "This here is Bobby, he was probably at the camp when you were." "He was brought here when he pulled out all the teeth from his brother." "He is a successful business man now, now he comes here and volunteers on weekends." "Earl here is thinking about making up for burning down our barn." " Yep." "Got to undo all the bad things I did, so I can have a better life." " Well, if you're looking to make up for burning the barn, we sure could use a proper ostrich pen." " You guys have got an ostrich?" " Yeah." "We got him for the racist having your head in the sand bonfire." "We put a little KKK hood on him and let him chase the kids around." " Alright then." "I'll build that racist ostrich a pen." "Maybe the campers will learn something by seeing" "Earl Hickey do some good." " There you go!" "Just do me a favor." "Don't mention to my brother, that there is an ostrich roaming around." " What are you going to do now?" "You stupid bird!" "I'm behind the fence!" "Stupid chicken..." "I don't want to punch you in the nose big chicken, I'm just gonna lay down and die now." "Ok, here I am dying." "Call the police..." "No, no..." "Call the police" "Building an ostrich pen actually felt pretty good." "But not as good as seeing all the faces of the campers get inspired by my positive example." "They couldn't keep their eyes off me." " Randy, give me the nail gun." " No!" "No!" "I need it!" " For what?" "You're not doing a damn thing." " I think I got one in his mcnugget." "You can have it now." " You know what?" "y'all stop fighting I swear to god" "I'll slap you so hard, you'll switch colours." " Hey, Earl!" " Hey, Crabman!" " This place is crazy, huh?" "It's like a farm or something." " What are you doing here?" " Well, you must be doing something right cuz' they called us up and told us we could bring the boys up here." "Careful with that sander honey, you don't want to injure your toilet scrubbing hand." " "Quiero agradecer a todo el publico latino que nos acompaña cada semana."" ""Y para los que no son latinos les felicito por aprender otra idioma"." " Sorry sweetheart, i don't speak maid." " We're gonna need Dodge's birthday." " June... wait, do me a favor, what's this say?" " That's a smurfette riding a skateboard." " No, under that." " Oh, June 10th." " That's yeah." "What about Earl Jr?" "Darnell." "April 3rd." "with Catalina's help I finished the ostrich pen a lot sooner than I thought." "Well, I think I can cross this one off." " I'll go get us some fresh water." "As a child they wouldn't let us drink from the well because of the bodies." " Look, Earl." "They're playing right choice." "Remember that?" " Right choice is:" ""Hands on your nose"" "Right choice is:" ""Stay on one foot!"" "Now punch yours neighbour's arm!" "I didn't say "Right choice"!" " Trick is, you just watch what everybody else is doing and do what they do." "I'm not sure why, but that's when it hit me:" "I didn't just screwed up my own future by burning down that barn." "I screwed up Randy's too." " I'm putting you on the list." " What?" " I'm putting you on the list." "When I got us thrown out of here I didn't just destroy that barn" "I destroyed your chance to be a better person." "I got to put you on the list." " No, no, Earl..." "I'm glad we got thrown out of here, this place is total chaos." "I saw a pig eating his own poo." " But Randy, if I didn't get us kicked out you could have had a completely different life." "Look at that guy Bobby over there, perfectly pleated khaki, he's having a good job, flossing, that could have been you." " I don't want to be that guy Earl." "I don't want to floss, it makes my tongue hurt." " Randy, give me the pen." " You're going on the list!" " I don't want!" " It's not up to you, it's up the karma!" " mother, mother, mother, mother...." "MOTHER...!" " Pull it out..." "Pull it out!" " Karma did this, Randy cause you're not on the list!" "Put yourself on the list!" " Do it!" " No!" " Do it!" " No!" " Do it!" " I burned down the barn, ok?" "I did it, it wasn't you." "Randy wasn't lying." "Though he had been for quite a few years." " Hey Earl, can I have a drag of that?" " No, you're not old enough." "You can't smoke until you're ten." "C'mon, lets go inside." "We're gonna play a game of duck, duck everyone's a winner." "But Randy didn't want to go inside that night." "He wanted smoke." "Unfortunately he wasn't alone in the barn." " There you go." "Now if you do it too the other hand" "I want to take you to my church so I can watch all the old ladies cry." " I'm sorry, Earl." "The good news is  you not have to put me on your list It's not your fault this place didn't turn me into a good person." "It's mine." " No, no, it's not my fault you didn't turn out like Bobby over there." "It's your fault." "It's also your fault that I didn't turn out like Bobby." "You want me to make a list of my own and put you on it?" " No, I don't Randy." "You don't need to make a list." "Your list is right here!" " This is your list." " Not anymore, it's not." "It's our list." "Seeing how this place could have turned me around I figure you're responsible for everything bad I did, since the summer of 1982, and that's about 200 things." "Good luck." " Stupid Carson Daly!" "Wakey, wakey!" "Hands off snakey!" "." " What are you doing?" " Time to get up and get started on your list." "I chose the first one." ""Took donuts from a banker, when I was not a customer."" " I have to go now.?" " Randy, people don't want their donuts in the afternoon." " Oh sure they would." "Put gravy on em, and meat inside..." " Randy, wake up!" " Pookeytrim." "Huh?" "Can I just leave em on the table with the other stuff?" " Nope you got to tell people what you did and why you're here." " All of them?" " All of them." " Everybody listen up!" " Drop the donut, just drop the donut!" "Randy spent the whole day crossing things of my list." " My name is Earl, and I stole this birdbath out of the pickup truck, in the parking lot of this building." "Is it yours?" " No." " This birdbath was stolen out the back of the pickup truck..." " It is bad luck to accept a birdbath from a stranger" " My name... is..." "Earl...!" " Whad up?" "Nescobar A Lop Lop." "It wasn't easy but the hard things in life never are." "Randy was responsible for who are becaming, it was his job to make up for everything bad i did." " Sir, my name is Earl  and I slept with your wife." " Was it in my own house?" "In my own bed?" " Uhh..." "I'll check." "It was in your own house, but it was on  the couch, the counter, the piano..." " Wait..." "I've been married a few times." "Who are you talking about?" " I'll find out." "It was Sherry." " Sherry?" "That's fine." "if it were Linda, that's another story." " Done." "He was ok with it, so long it wasn't Linda." " Check out number 188." "It was relaxing to have Randy do my list for me, kindoflikeavacation." "But then he came across something on the list he couldn't do on his own." "I got one I can't do." " Too bad." "Figure it out." " I can't." "Number 98:" ""Told Dodge and Earl Jr. we would have a father son day... at "mystery funland" and didn't take them."" "I promised the boys I'd take them to "mystery funland"" "but I had also promised myself I'd go to an AC/DC concert." " Hey, boys!" " You told us you'd take us to "mystery funland"!" " Front row!" "." "They opened with "money talks"!" "." "Well, I probably would have taken them if I didn't get kicked out of camp, Randy." "I probably would have had my own "mystery funland"." "On my own private island." "... The Earl-hamas!" " The Earl-hamas?" " Yeah, maybe..." "Maybe I'd be rich and own a bunch of islands." " would there have been an island for me?" " Probably..." " Dammit!" "Well." "I can't fix this one." "They won't let me sign Dodge and Earl Jr." "out of bad kid camp." "They say either you or Joy or Darnell have to do it." " Fine!" "I'll do this one." "But you gotta do another one while I'm gone." "Number 53: "Put used gum under almost every table I've ever sat at"" " How am I spose to know which ones are mine and which ones are yours?" " You kids are ready to have a good time?" " Yeah!" "Me and the boys headed on down to "mystery funland"." "I figured after a couple of hours of ski ball and a handful of rides on the bumper cars" "I'd be able to cross them off my list and get back to watching  buildings fall down on TV." "however there was a small problem with that plan." ""Mystery funland" was gone." " It's gone!" " What?" " "Mystery funland"!" "It's gone, they've tore it down." " I can't cross you off the list.!" " you mean your idiot list?" " Is that what your mom calls it?" " yeah, she puts another word in front of idiot," "But I don't know what it means." "The guy in Scarface says it a lot." " I know what it means." " Yeah, my idiot list." "You guys are on her, cuz' I didn't take you to funland." "You're number 98." "but if there is no funland." "There's no way to cross you off." "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, this has never happened before." " what, if we just forgive you?" " What?" " When someone tells the truth, and says they're sorry, you forgive them." "That's what we learnt at camp." "that's when they made me realize something." "It's never too late to make the right choices in life." "And forgiving people you love that's a right choice" "Istillhadn'tmade." "If these little monster kids could forgive me whycouldn'tIforgivemyownbrother?" " "Nicorette"!" "That's yours, Joy!" " Hey, Doofus." "If I wanted to see that again, I wouldn't have put it up under the table." "Why don't you get started on the back of my headboard." "Anything that's grey was put there by Earl." " Randy, you can stop now." " I got to go start on the headboard." " No, it's ok, it's not your list anymore..." "I forgive you." " What?" " I know you're sorry for what you did back, then and when somebody you love is sorry you forgive em." " I am sorry I burned down that barn..." "Earl." " I know you are." "It's ok." " Oh my God..." "You two are a couple of fruits!" " I think it's sweet." " Then why don't you all go and have a three way?" "Pack of fruitcakes..." " I don't care what she thinks." " I don't either, Randy..." " My God, I'm gonna vomit!" " Hey, Earl?" " Yeah, Randy?" " Do you think an ostrich can get all the way here from the right choice ranch?" " Yeah, I think it could walk, that distance if it really wanted to." "But I think the chances of it heading in the right direction and getting up the stairs and finding this particular room are pretty slim." "I'm gonna make sure the door is locked."