"Michelle, you are gonna look so pretty for Grandma." "I really hope so." "Don't worry." "We're gonna make you look like a movie star." "Go take a look." "D.J.:" "What do you think?" "No good." "I look like me." "Doing her hair was so much easier when she was a baby." "I know." "She was bald." "Now I'm a movie star." "Let's go see Grandma." "Right behind you, Zsa Zsa." "Well, Cynthia, it sounds like this year's festival is gonna be the best yet." "Well, we certainly hope so." "We'll have opera, ballet, and plenty of free parking." "How can it miss with someone like Cynthia Ryan in charge?" "Just look how she's put together." "Excuse me?" "Oh, I mean, you put together this fabulous Festival of Culture." "Not that you're not put together, because you are definitely" "Rebecca, tell me we're out of time." " You're in luck." "We're out of time." " Great." "I would like to thank our guest, Cynthia Ry" "Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry." "I was uncrossing my legs." "I'm sorry." "Well, while Danny blots our guest, I'd just like to say, I'm Rebecca Donaldson." "And I'm a total disgrace." "We'll see you Monday." "Right here on Wake Up, San Francisco." "Hey, Beck." "I fixed your car." "I changed the oil, I changed the filter and I changed the stations on the radio." "You had two set to the news." "Well, Danny, Rebecca, thanks for the plug." " I'll see you Monday at the party." " Okay." "Cynthia, here's an idea." "Why don't we go to the party together, as a couple?" "Not a serious couple, just a couple of people going to a party." "That sounds great." " What's the story with this party?" " You're invited too." "It's to kick off the Festival of Cultural Arts." "It'll be great." "It's gonna be an evening of Tennyson, Mozart, Shakespeare." "You know me." "I don't like sitting around chitchatting about a bunch of dead guys." " Elvis is a dead guy." " That's never been proven." "Come on, Jesse, it'll be fun." "You can meet my old English professor, Dr. Eric Trent." "He's fascinating." "He can talk about Elizabethan poetry for hours." "They'll be scalping tickets for that one." "It wouldn't hurt you to meet some people who can talk about things besides rock 'n' roll and motorcycles." " That's all you think I know?" " That's not what I said." "That's what you meant." "Let me tell you, I may have grease under my nails but I can hold my own with any of those artsy dudes." "Great, then you'll come to the party." "You need a tuxedo..." " ...and you might want to wash up." " Oh, come on!" "[WHISTLES]" "Hey, Joey, what's for dinner?" "[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] Thin strands of pasta with petite spheres of beef in a light tomato sauce." " Spaghetti again?" " Spaghetti again?" ""Basketti."" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, Michelle, that's "spaghetti."" "That's what I said." "Basketti." "Wanna play "Michellophone"?" "What's that?" "You whisper stuff in Michelle's ear and laugh when it comes out her mouth." "Watch." "You got chicken legs." "[LAUGHS]" "Let me try that." "You're a cheese-head." "How rude!" "Hi, Steph, hi, Michelle, hi, D.J., hi, Joey." "Bye, Joey, bye, D.J., bye, Michelle, bye, Steph." "Girls, I'll be right back." "You keep an eye on the "basketti."" "What are you doing with all the books?" "What?" "Can't a man go to the library and check out a selection of literature for a weekend of good reading?" "Who are you, and what did you do with Jesse?" "Joey, I got roped into this cultural party thing this weekend." "I never went to college, so I figured I might bone up so I won't look like a bonehead." "Jess, this is great." "I'm very proud of you." "Pretty soon you're gonna be smart." "[SINGS]" "I'll get you, and your little dog too." "I'd like to introduce you to my daughters." " This is D.J." " Hi, nice to meet you." " Hello." " That is Stephanie." "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." "And this is my littlest, Michelle." "Hiya, cheese-head." " Cheese what?" " Cheese-head." "Isn't that cute?" "It's her very first insult." "Girls, you shouldn't teach this kind of stuff to your sister." "Now when I get home tonight I want my sweet little Michelle back to normal, okay?" "Okay, chicken legs." " Bye." " Bye." "Bye." "I'm sorry about that cheese-head remark." "Actually, in Wisconsin, cheese-head is a compliment." "[OPERA MUSIC PLAYS ON RECORDER]" "What did she just sit on?" "Please, turn it off." "Here." "It's every penny I have." "All right." "All right." "[GIRLS SIGH]" "Becky's got me going to this party and I wanna look smart so I've been listening to opera, and, you know, studying art, and" "Well, look at this." "I put posters up." "I've got Van Gogh, Monet, "Sammet."" "You read all those books in two days?" "Well, no, but I read these." "Plato, The Republic." "Kafka, The Metamorphosis, and Is That You, Big Guy?" "Sightings of Elvis." "And how are you gonna read all these books before the party?" "Well, see, I have this figured out." "What we're gonna do here is read the beginning and ends of each book." "A Tale of Two Cities. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."" ""It is far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known."" "Whoa." "Surprise ending." "Girls, I can't go through with this." "I gotta think of one good excuse not to go to this party." "102!" "Wow!" " I'll be okay." " Jess." "You wouldn't be trying to get out of the party?" "Oh, no, I'll go to the party tonight, then I'll go to the hospital tomorrow." "I know what you're saying." ""Jesse, don't be a hero." "Stay in bed and--"" "I better do that." "I'll go to bed." "Could you point me to my room?" "I'm a little" "[DOORBELL]" "Thanks a lot, Jess." " Eric!" " Becca!" "[MOUTHS] Becca?" "Danny, Cynthia, this is Dr. Eric Trent." "Eric was my favorite professor." "Rebecca was my favorite student." "And Jesse's her favorite boyfriend." "Hi, that's me." " We should be going." " I'll get your coat." "Right this way." "Oh, this is a nice coat." " Here you go." " Thanks." "I'm terribly sorry." "Why don't I just throw it up in the air and you run under it." "I'll take the coat and you get the door." "All right." "Good night, Jess." "Oh, I forgot." "You're sick." "Feel better, sweetheart." "Eric, I will never forget that seminar you gave on the romantic poets." "You were inspiring." "Well, I don't remember the seminar, but I do remember you." " Jackie." " "Jesse," you" "I'm going to that party." "You gotta help me." "I'm going to that party and I don't wanna look dumb." "It's gonna full of champions from Jeopardy and I'm from The Price is Right." "Relax, Jess." "I'll help you out." "I did more in college than goof off, chase girls and party." "I was in a fraternity too." "Now, let's start with literature." "Greatest novel ever written?" "You say, "I consider it a toss up between  War and Peace and Crime and Punishment."" "The thickest ones." "Very impressive." "What else you got?" "Well, if people are discussing classic cinema, you say:" ""Citizen Kane is certainly in a class by itself."" "Citizen Kane." "Oh, I saw that movie." "The fat dude was in it, right?" "Here's a little intellectual hint." "Never refer to Mr. Welles as "the fat dude."" "All right." "Okay." "I'm feeling smarter already." " What else you got?" " Shakespeare trivia." "In all the original stage productions the women's parts were actually played by men." "Oh, you mean like that weird show we saw in Vegas?" "You might wanna stay away from Shakespeare." "Right." "All right, Joey, I gotta go." "You sure all this is gonna get me through the party?" "Well, if anything else comes up, just take your glasses and say:" ""Interesting, but terribly overrated."" " Let me try that." " Okay." "Interesting, but terribly overrated." "Congratulations, Jess." "You are now a sophisticated intellectual." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]" "[INDISTINCT CHATTER]" "GUEST:" "And in the end" "Only the hunger" "The hunger" "The hungry, hungering, hunger" "[GUESTS APPLAUD]" "What are you doing?" "You don't wanna know." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Hello." "Hi." "How are you?" "Nice to see you." "Good evening." "Hi." "Evening." "Evening." "Enchanted, hi." "Nice to see you." "Hi, nice to see you." "Nice to see both of you." "Hi, Becky, how very nice it is to see you." "How are you?" "Professor Trent." "Charmed, I'm sure." "Honey, I thought you were sick." "The bacteria hasn't been born that can keep me away from intellectual conversation." "Pardon me." "Good man." "We were just about to discuss cinema." "We were?" "Wouldn't you say that Citizen Kane was the finest film ever?" "Absolutely." "May I check your overcoat, sir?" "Speaking of literature, wouldn't you say the two finest books ever written would happen to be Crime and War, and Peace and Punishment?" "[CHUCKLES]" "What?" "I think you have transposed the titles of War and Peace and Crime and Punishment." "Inadvertently." "But see, you missed the joke." "I transposed them quite "vertantly."" " Jess, can I talk to you?" " Excuse me, gents." "What are you doing?" "Chewing the fat with your egghead buddies." "And let me tell you something, they dig me." "Has anybody seen the new Picasso exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art?" "Oh, I hardly doubt it's worth the journey." "I find Picasso to be interesting, but terribly overrated." "You can't be serious." "Just consider Picasso's blue period." "That's what I'm talking about." "I think he should have used more colors." "Jesse, I'm curious." "Where did you go to college?" "I went to college back East." "Way back East." "They're out of business now." "I can see why." "What's that supposed to mean?" " Which word didn't you understand?" " I'll tell you which I didn't understand." "Excuse us, Eric." "Jesse, you are making a fool of yourself." "Oh, and he's a genius?" "Watch this." "Yo, brain wave." "What's the horsepower of a Harley-Davidson Ultra 134O cc?" "Eighty-five." "Lucky guess." "Who wrote "Hound Dog"?" "Leiber and Stoller." " How tall is Sammy Davis Jr.?" " Five-three." " You wanna arm wrestle?" " Excuse me?" "You wanna arm wrestle?" "You heard me." "Here and now." "That seems a trifle absurd." "Why?" "Are you a trifle chicken?" "You are not arm wrestling at this party." "And that is final." " Yes, I am." " Do not." "Haven't you embarrassed yourself enough for one evening?" "The only guy who's gonna be embarrassed is you, pal." " I can see you're not going to let this go." " No, I'm not, blondie." " Jesse." " Hold this." "Yo!" " What's going on?" " Oh, nothing." "Just the traditional arm wrestle to kick off culture week." "Maybe later we can all go down to the museum for the big tractor pull." "Go!" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYS]" "Get him, Jesse, get him." "I mean, "How incredibly barbaric."" "Will you knock it off?" "[MUSIC STOPS]" "You're strong, but you don't know much about leverage." "You see, my arm acts as the lever, my elbow, the fulcrum, Jackie." "It's Jesse!" " Yeah!" " All right!" "You see that?" "I beat him!" "Congratulations." "You behaved like a total jerk." " Excuse me." " Oh, I'm a jerk, huh?" " Jesse, please." " Just admit it." "You think I'm stupid." " That makes absolutely no sense." " Oh, so now I make no sense." " You're being stupid." " Let me tell you." "You think you're hot with your stuffy friends." " These are nice people." " Fine, they're nice." "Stay with your nice people." "Let me tell you, you stay and talk about art, about culture about Shakespeare." "Let me tell you about Shakespeare." "Anybody who makes men dress up like women, I draw the line!" "Okay, Michelle, let's try it again." "Now, tell Stephanie she's a very sweet girl." "You're a cheese-head." "[LAUGHS]" "You're not laughing." "We shouldn't have taught you to say mean things." "Because it can hurt other people's feelings." "Tell you what." "Before we go to bed let's all say something really nice to each other." "I'll go first." " I love you, Michelle." " I love you, D.J." "I love you too, Michelle." "I love you, Stephie." "Aw." "That's my sweet little sister." "I love you, table." " I love you, chair." " That's really good, Michelle." "Now why don't you go into your room and tell your furniture that you love it..." " ...and we'll be right there to tuck you in." " I love you, door." "I love you, Uncle Jesse." "Right back at you, kid." "Uncle Jesse, are you sad?" "Yeah, I guess I'm a little sad, kid." "Thank you, Michelle." "I needed that." "Listen, don't grow up and be stupid like your Uncle Jesse, okay?" " Okay." " I want you to be smart." "I want you to go to college." "And I want you to learn everything you can learn, all right?" "Let me hear those ABC's I taught you." "Ready?" " Go!" " [SINGS] A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, N, M, N, O, P Q, R, S, T, U, V  W, X, Y and Z" "Next time won't you sing with me?" "Yeah, next time I'll sing with you." "You're very smart, Michelle." "You're smart too." "If I was so smart, I wouldn't have blown it with Becky." " You know what I mean?" " I know." "I should straighten this out with Becky." " Right?" " Right." "I should tell her what's in my heart, right?" "Right." "I should find a special way to do it, right?" "Right." "Thanks for the talk, Michelle." "I don't know what I would've done if you weren't home tonight." " I love you, sweetheart." " I love you, cheese-head." "Did she just call me cheese-head?" "[SINGS]" "Oh, Jess, that was beautiful." "I wrote it for you tonight." "I loved it." "Oh, Becky." "Freeze, Romeo." " About tonight." " Was I that bad?" "Jesse, you were arm wrestling at the arts festival!" "I'm surprised you didn't yell "Food fight" and start flinging the pâté." "Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you." "It's just that there's this whole other side of your life that I'm not part of." "Tonight I felt that I wasn't good enough for you." "I can't compete with all those smart people." " It's not a competition." " It is." "I'm afraid some guy who wrote a book or some guy who read a book is gonna come and sweep you off your feet." "I don't know if I'm smart enough for you." "How can you say that?" " Well, you know, I never went to college." " So what?" "Just because you missed out on some formal education doesn't mean you're not intelligent." "Look at everything you've accomplished on your own." "You're a success in advertising." "You wrote a beautiful love song for me in one night that touched my heart." "And your smartest move yet was you picked me for your girlfriend." "You know, when I was cramming for this party I read a few of those books, and they were pretty good." "Plato, a nice Greek kid." "I think maybe I'll read some more and maybe you and I can talk about it." "Okay, that's great, Jess." "Challenge yourself." "Enrich your life." "But do it for you, not for me." "You never have to be anyone but the sweet, caring, sensitive lunatic I fell in love with." "I have no choice." "You leave me no choice." "Have mercy!" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH SDH]"