"NELSON:" "Haw-haw!" "*THE SIMPSONS* Season 28 Episode 17 "22 for 30"" "D'oh!" "(tires screeching)" "(grunts)" "(gentle lullaby version of "The Simpsons Theme" playing)" "(sucking)" "(humming)" "(humming)" "(humming)" "(humming)" "(screaming)" "♪ ♪" "NARRATOR:" "It was the biggest scandal in the history of Springfield sports." "Never has someone fallen from such heights to such lows, except maybe for that tightrope walker who sneezed." "That was terrible." "This situation is a disgusting mockery of a repulsive joke that would make me sick to my stomach if there was there was one good restaurant in this town, which there is not!" "(stammers) There is nothing to vomit." "NARRATOR:" "And all because of one young man." "Okay, so I shaved points in basketball." "Just don't make a big production of it." "NARRATOR:" "This is 22 for 30." "(dramatic orchestral music)" "My son is a handful." "Can you say that on TV?" "No one ever thought he'd work for gamblers with the mob." "I always thought he'd work for gamblers with the mob." "In the morning, we saw the horrors of the beaches at Iwo Jima." "DIRECTOR:" "This is a sports documentary." "I'm getting there!" "In my unit, they called me "Quarterback."" "Because when I borrowed a quarter, I never gave it back." "At the end of the war, I had a buck 75, and no friends." "(distorted):" "I remember it like it was yesterday." "Or maybe the day before that." "It all started with a prank." "Bart had no idea where it would lead." "This voice is scaring me." "I need Puppy Goo-Goo!" "(normal voice):" "Safety kiss!" "I think I'll be okay." "(distorted):" "I love you." "(distorted scream)" "Yeah, so here was the quote, unquote "prank."" "Bart sent out a memo telling everyone to wear white for some nonsense called Polar Bear Remembrance Day." "(chuckles) Yes." "Then the little dickens sent Skin-ner a different memo telling him to wear a floral shirt in honor of King Kamehameha's birthday." "(stammers) Had it ended there, fine." "Pleasant conclusion to a busy week." "But it didn't end there." "Now don't worry, all the bees want are flowers." "(bees buzzing)" "Willie, kill the bees!" "Not till I hear their side of it." "NARRATOR:" "Bart received the longest detention in history." "Bored, he began to shoot baskets, a talent that would irrevocably make his life better." "Then worse, then better, then the same." "♪ Wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat ♪" "♪ And a '64 Impala ♪" "♪ I wish I was, like, six-foot-nine ♪" "♪ So I can get with Leoshi, 'cause she don't know me ♪" "♪ But, yo, she's really fine ♪" "♪ You know I see her all the time ♪" "♪ Everywhere I go, and even in my dreams ♪" "♪ I can scheme up ways to make her mine ♪" "♪ 'Cause I know she's livin' phat ♪" "♪ Her boyfriend's tall and he plays ball ♪" "♪ So how am I gonna compete with that?" "♪" "A troubled young man who was good at basketball." "I'd never heard of such a thing." "Of course, his detention was commuted, and he was made a starter on the team." "That's my son!" "My son!" "Which is, of course, another version of me!" "(crowd cheering)" "Him!" "Me!" "Us!" "Me!" "NARRATOR:" "Everywhere Bart went, he was given star treatment." "At school... (grunts)" "(grunts) at the public pool... (Bart laughing)" "(Bart grunts)" "It's really not that dangerous." "(laughing)" "NARRATOR: with local merchants." "Oh, young basketball star," "I have something special for you." "The new 7,200-ounce Squishy." "NARRATOR:" "But not everyone was celebrating the Bart-mitzvah." "I got an assignment: write an article on the school's new hero, Bart Simpson." "(sighs) This is worse than when we were square-dance partners in gym." "♪ Grab your partner nice and slow ♪" "♪ Allemande left and ♪" "(slows, distorts): ♪ Do-si-doh. ♪" "♪ That's the last time I had work ♪" "♪ Now I'm just a homeless jerk ♪" "♪ Allemande left and prance to the right ♪(cat yowls)" "♪ I need a place to spend the night. ♪" "NARRATOR:" "Springfield had never won a championship in any sport." "The only banner on the gym wall was one that came with the building." "But now, there was a shot." "I was so proud of Bart, I did anything I could to help him practice." "Mm!" "But then it happened." "Fame went to Bart's head." "Just once, I'd like to see science go to his head." "He's got more D's than Dolly Parton!" "I'm not sure what that means, but please use the joke." "I paid someone 25 bucks for it." "(music playing over earbuds)" "Bart Simpson, can ya please join the team?" "Man, I am the team." "Aw, that tears it!" "I'm not coaching anymore!" "I'm going back to what I love doing:" "drowning gophers." "(whistling)" "Ah!" "What was that for?" "!" "Our new coach will be parent-volunteer and Bart owner, Homer Simpson." "(reporters gasp)" "Do you know anything about basketball?" " Why the change?" " What is your basketball philosophy?" "Shower at home so no one makes fun of your weenie." "I learned that from the late great Red Auerbach." "No more questions!" "D'oh!" "What the hell is that thing doing in a gym?" "!" "Your new coach, everybody!" "Bart got a coach who would kiss his butt like one cheek was Kobe and the other Kareem." "Well, there is no "I" in "team."" "There's no "U" in "effort."" "There's no "X" in "dog"!" "What do Oscar the Grouch's feet look like?" "Nobody knows!" "I have a TV for Bart Simpson." "(sighs) Just put it with the others." "I'm worried he's getting a little spoiled." "HOMER:" "Oh, that's ridiculous." "Excuse me, sir." "Bart says no unauthorized photography." "Don't look directly at him!" "(Taser zapping)" "♪ ♪" "NARRATOR:" "As Bart's showboating veered ever closer to globetrotting, the disrespect grew." "Can you clean that for me, Coach?" "And that, and that, and those, and that, and that." "What are you looking at?" "HOMER:" "What the...?" "!" "NARRATOR:" "But after one showboat shot too many," "Homer Simpson had something he'd never had before: enough." "Uh, son, some of the other parents are complaining." "Apparently, they're attached to their children, and they want to see them touch the ball." "They can touch it in the team photo." "I'm going to draw up a play." "One where you pass." "Why don't you pass a physical, you boozy bag of goo." "Marge is right." "You're getting spoiled!" "Before you strangle me, maybe you should check the scoreboard." "I'm your dad and your coach." "And because no one else would, your godfather." "So hit the bench!" "NARRATOR:" "When we return, the interesting part." "From now on, you're going to be a team player." "No more important than anyone." "Except Milhouse." "I'm on the team 'cause it's my ball." "NARRATOR:" "Certain people had begun to notice" "Bart's unhappiness." "People with criminal backgrounds." "They had more records than Dolly Parton." "Man, that is a joke that keeps on giving." "This is gonna break my heart, but... (groans)" "Yeah, the kid was ripe for criminal exploitation." "And in this town, the other cops are pathetic." "Fat, lazy." "You want to find one?" "Just follow the sound of a milkshake being sucked." "(slurping)" "There's no belt that fits me." "I'm wearing police tape around my waist." "I saw the kid was upset, so I took him for cannoli." "That's not a crime." "(whispers):" "You don't know what a crime is." "Not that I'd know what a crime is." "(whispers indistinctly)" "What's with all the psst-psst-psst?" "Have you sprung a leak, or do you want to?" "(whispers):" "I don't think that's advisable to say that." "I've been told I was just kidding." "Fat Tony, enjoy this-a cannoli on-a the house." "It's like eating the bone-a marrow of an angel." "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "NARRATOR:" "They talked about life and basketball, a game Fat Tony had always loved." "Basketball is just like life." "It's filled with a court, shooting and guards." "(whispers indistinctly)" "Basketball is nothing like life." "NARRATOR:" "Fat Tony saw an opening, and he took it." "FAT TONY: _" "BART: _" "FAT TONY: _" "BOTH: _" "NARRATOR:" "And at his next game," "Bart did a very odd thing." "DREDERICK TATUM:" "And with Springfield up by a meager one point, star guard Bart Simpson is just dribbling, he's not shooting, with two minutes to go." "♪ ♪" "I don't know how, but Homer gained 12 pounds chewing towels." "I put jelly on 'em." "(whistle blows)" "Time expired!" "Bart didn't know it, but he was point shaving." "That's when a player wins the game, but makes sure his team doesn't cover the spread." "The team's happy, the gamblers are happy, everybody wins." "The only unhappy person is someone like me, who has to explain the thing." "Well, at least you'll let me play my saxophone." "(inhales deeply)" "Good thing you cut that song." "Did you know I once took a train halfway across Cleveland?" "NARRATOR:" "This is not a video trick." "He really just stopped moving, but Bart had just gotten started." "♪ ♪" "You could be an accessory to a crime, you know." "Are you letting your anger at Dad make you into a patsy for the mob?" "Hey, Bart Simpson is nobody's patsy." "Hey, Bart, Fat Tony says to win by less than six points." "Here's a list of acceptable point differentials." "It could be five, four, three..." "You realize you're having this conversation in front of a reporter." "Hey, I don't see no reporter." "I see a little girl with futile dreams of fitting in." "Gee whiz, you don't have to be so mean." "That's the business I'm in!" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "(calliope music playing)" "Shoot!" "Shoot!" "Just like I drew it up!" "Okay, here's a shot:" "you're not bald, your hair left out of embarrassment." " Why, you little...!" " (choking)" "(crowd gasps)" "(crowd cheers)" "(buzzer blares)" "I'll teach you to win the game!" "You stupid buzzer-beating, clutch-shooting..." "Oh, come on, man." " ice water in your veins..." " I'm taking my talents to Shelbyville." "here comes the post-game interview!" " You have to give them credit..." " This is the first thing you've done as a coach." "they played hard!" " People are gonna hear about this, Dad." " I'm so proud of these boys," " and especially our sixth man..." " You're still nicer than Bobby Knight." "the fans!" "All right, let me hear your side." "Sorry, my side is exclusive to my charity," "The American Fart Association." "Why, you little...!" "(grunting)" "(laughs)" "Checkmate." "(laughs)" "D'oh!" "NARRATOR:" "But the boy who could spin a ball with his doodle was about to learn a very tough lesson." "BART:" "What's this for?" "FAT TONY:" "You made a lot of people rich." "BART:" "Oh!" "Carumba!" "NARRATOR:" "Fat Tony denied he'd made any money, but this FBI footage suggests otherwise." "I thought I was just keeping the score down to get back at my Dad, but Fat Tony was betting against us, every game." "I was a patsy." "Ow!" "She didn't mean that." "D'oh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "I was scared, Milhouse scared." "Why do you keep cutting to me?" "And then it got worse." "Fat Tony told me to lose the finals." "Not win by a little, but lose or else." ""Or else"?" "My client does not speak like that." "Yeah, now drop the subject, or else." "Edit that out, or else." "I-I'm gonna stop talking... or else." "Damn it." "NARRATOR:" "What did Fat Tony say to Bart?" "His capo, Johnny Tightlips, refused to talk." "Anyone here own a black Lincoln Continental, license plate, "Zero to Say"?" "It's being towed." "Sir, you're the only one here." "I saw you get out of it." "Yeah, maybe it is." "Maybe I am." "Maybe you did." "Or maybe it's not." "And I'm not, and you didn't." "But you didn't hear this, that, or the other thing." "Or maybe you did." "Hey!" "My granny's in there!" "Shaving points was one thing, but he wanted me to lose." "I let down my team." "I let down my town." "So, I guess this is where I break down and cry." "(crying)" "Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to cry." "No." "This is my story." "Tighten on me." "Tighten on me." "Fine." "Tighten on him then rack focus to me." "Dad, this is supposed to be about us getting together." "Fine." "Tighten on him." "Rack focus to me." "Cut to a wide shot." "Split screen with Marge." "Truck in, nice and slow." "Then cut to a "B" roll of me eating a tuna fish sandwich." "Dad, how did you learn these things?" "Son, show business is everybody's business." "Dutch angle, photo negative and freeze!" "I'm a excommation point!" "In the gym that night, you could cut the tension with a knife, but, uh, we don't allow knives in school, not even in metaphors." "♪ We got to fight the powers that be ♪" "♪ Fight the power ♪" "♪ Fight the power. ♪" "(crowd cheering)" "ANGER WATKINS:" "Another bucket by Bart Simpson!" "His sloppy play is a distant memory, like Nelson's father." "Yeah, interesting side note:" "Nelson left a ticket for his father in case he showed up." "And he did show up, but then he sold the ticket without seeing Nelson, and he skipped town again." "You believe that?" "Rejected!" "Like I've been rejected." "Nothing but net!" "Which is what my mom wears in the strip club." "It was in the third quarter when the game really got weird, and I got a low bar for weird." "(grunts)" "Bart went to shoot, and took a hard foul from his own best friend." "♪ ♪" "Let's just say Bart wasn't the only one Fat Tony had gotten to." "This was my bobblehead." "They got to him, in my bedroom, where he bobbled." "Hey, let's just say that bobblehead won't be attending no more giveaway days." "You keep shooting your mouth, you'll wind up in that building going up on Third Street." "It's a Third Street address, but actually you enter on Lincoln." "Yet another secret revealed!" "I'm sorry, Dad." "I was a jerk." "The good thing about being a kid is you get to make mistakes so you don't make them as an adult." "Thanks, Dad." "But don't you still make mistakes?" "The best one was you, son." "Aw." "Now go win that game!" "NARRATOR:" "And win he did." "He blew our net budget for the next ten years." "(buzzer blares)" "NARRATOR:" "But not everyone was cheering." "Is he going for a gun?" "(sighs):" "Oh." " Get me a gun." " (screams)" "We thought we were goners." "Our lives flashed before our eyes." "I had a lot of crazy jobs." "And then the cavalry came on her stupid high horse." "LISA:" "Let them go." "Really?" "And what do you have on me?" "The goods." "The goods?" "Oh, that sounds bad." "Fat Tony, may I speak to you in Italian?" "I don't know Italian." "How about Sicilian?" "That's a language?" "How about I say it like Porky Pig?" "E-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee..." "Say what you got to say." "Turns out I'm the hero of this documentary." "I think that deserves a chyron." "It happens that Fat Tony had a secret, a secret I had uncovered with a little bit of research." "I wondered, if Fat Tony liked basketball so much, why didn't he play?" "Turns out he had." "For a girls' team." "And if there's one thing a Mafia boss doesn't want known, it's that he was the third-string shooting guard on the Springfield Little Debbies." "You keep quiet about what you know." "All of you keep quiet!" "Keep quiet about what, boss?" "The man Spanx you wear?" "Your high school nickname, Robert DeZero?" "The way you cried at Toy Story 2?" "That's not even the sad one." "What?" "What?" "Why do you keep talking?" "I'm sorry." "It's a nervous condition." "Can you give me the name of that secret shrink you see?" "So, we made a deal." "I'd forget if Fat Tony forgave." "But now the secret's out." "It's in a documentary." "No one watches those, unless it's a documentary where a rich guy kills people and no one knows about it." "As far as you know. (chuckles)" "BURNS:" "I'm guilty, guilty, guilty." "SMITHERS:" "Sir, you know you're on mic." "BURNS:" "Who is this Mike you're speaking of?" "We'll kill him, too!" "NARRATOR:" "But all sports stories have an upside, unless you're a Detroit Lions fan." "So this young man, showboat and friend of the mob, gets off with not even a slap on the wrist." "It's a travesty wrapped in outrage, marinated in a sauce of everything's gone to hell!" "I admit, it was fun." "For a short time, we had our own little superstar." "And he kept playing." "Then he ran up against one tall kid, and found out he really wasn't that good." "But Lisa, Lisa had a real talent for journalism." "Whatever that gets us." "Homer, we have to end on something sweet." "(lovingly):" "Whatever that gets us." " ♪ Now basketball is my favorite sport ♪ - ♪ Uh-huh ♪" "♪ I like the way they dribble up and down the court ♪" " (whistle blows) - ♪ I keep it so fresh on the microphone ♪" "♪ I like no interruption when the game is on ♪ - ♪ Game's on ♪" "♪ I like slam dunks that take me to the hoop ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪" "♪ My favorite play is... ♪ Sorry, y'all." "♪ I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go ♪" "♪ And it's basketball, Bow Wow, let's go... ♪" "Yeah." "Nothing but nerd." "♪ All around the world ♪" " ♪ We love that basketball ♪ - ♪ Yeah... ♪" "No, I didn't!" "♪ Basketball... ♪" "I admit it, I was a total boob." "Oh!" "Why do I keep going there?" " ♪ Let's go ♪ - ♪ They're playing basketball ♪" "♪" " All around the world ♪ ♪" " We love that basketball... ♪" "NARRATOR:" "And Nelson's dad came back." "And I should know." "He's me." "Haw-haw!" "(gasps) Papa!" "(crying)" "So, you're making narrator money." "That's right, and I brought Nelson a gift." "Sleeves for my vest!" "Son, you look just like a parole officer." "NARRATOR:" "And so we were a family again, just long enough to take this picture."