"* i'm going down to south park * * gonna have myself a time * * friendly faces everywhere * * humble folks without temptation * * going down to south park * * gonna leave my woe's behind *" "* ample parking day or night * * people spouting "howdy neighbor" * * headed on up to south park * * gonna see if i can't unwind *" "* ( mumbling ) * * come on down to south park * * and meet some friends of mine *" "( school bell ) mrs. cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, m'kay." "little billy turner is now being treated at the hospital." "eric, why would you do such a thing ?" "i'm sorry i handcuffed billy turner's ankle to the school flagpole." "you know that's not the point !" "okay, i'm sorry i handcuffed billy turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw." "and then told him i had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could to the antidote was to saw through his leg." "that's very naughty, eric !" "well, he called me chubby !" "we have tried at this school to make eric understand there are boundaries, m'kay." "but frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home." "i know... i know that he's out of control... but you don't know what it's like" "( sobbing ) i'm sorry, it's just that- he seems to get worse every day... he just never listens !" "( sobbing hysterically ) well, nice going asshole, you made my mom cry !" "it's not him, it's you, eric !" "i don't know what to do with you." "sure you do- you're a great mom !" "* who's got the greatest mom in the world ?" "* * i do... * * my mom is number one in my heart * * it's true... *" "( both ) * my mom's the best mom better than your mom * * let's sing it together in harmoneeee... * mrs. cartman, i know this is extremely difficult, but there is help out there for people like you." "have you ever heard of a show called "nanny 911" ?" "they're every parent's worst nightmare." "shut up !" "i hate you !" "i hate you !" "kids completely out of control." "look i'm skating, i'm skating !" "it's time to call nanny 911." "we've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis." "parents of america-- help is on the way !" "tonight-- mom, i need another energy drink !" "this eight-year-old son of a single parent just won't behave." "( ranting in german ) and nanny stella is selected to set him straight !" "it's time for nanny stella to show eric cartman his ways are not going be tolerated anymore !" "( knocking continues ) mom are you deaf ?" "somebody's at the door !" "yes, i think it's the nanny, poopsiekins." "killer, i'm gonna be on tv now." "( belch ) hello, i'm nanny stella !" "oh thank you so much for coming." "please come in !" "and you must be eric !" "mom, i want a twinkie." "oh, alright, dear." "hold on, mrs. cartman- there are going to be some rule changes around here, eric." "first of all, no video games until chores are done." "ah-ha ha ha !" "i'm serious." "let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen." "( in british accent ) no thanks, i'd rather not !" "right, then i'm going to have to take it." "what the hell do you think you're doing ?" "come on !" "this video game is going right here on the counter, until we've done some chores." "now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed... eric, no, this is not acceptable !" "stop trying to bogart my x-box, you fat bitch !" "alright, that's it you're going to time out !" "time out ?" "whenever you are naughty, eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes." "and what exactly keeps me on the stool ?" "it's the time out stool, you can't get down until the time is up." "whoa..." "how did i do that !" "?" "eric you have to stay in time out !" "um... no ?" "come on, you don't have a choice." "alright, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now." "eric, you need to listen to me." "this is very important." "i'm getting down to eye level with eric." "so that i can talk to him on his level." "eric, you need to understand why you are being punished, alright ?" "i'm just going to get down as soon as you move." "well then, i'll just have to stand right, hyaaa !" "( ptoo ) agh !" "he spit in my mouth !" "yeah, it's best to avoid his level." "alright, i've dealt with this before." "we just need to use psychology on him." "* don't stop believin' * * hold on to that fee-la-ee-ang... * eric, can i just talk to you for a quick second ?" "why are you so angry ?" "because you took my x-box." "is this about more than your video game ?" "are you feeling angry at me because you think i'm here to change your life ?" "well... yeah... and you're feeling like i have no right to come in and tell you how to live." "yeah, i guess so... see this ?" "you have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings." "what else are you feeling, eric ?" "well, i'm feeling confused... because i don't understand why you became a nanny." "me ?" "well, because i love children." "like you." "right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy ?" "oh, i just never had kids." "why not ?" "it just..." "didn't happen." "you're sterile, is that it ?" "no, that's too convenient of an excuse." "the truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you, isn't that it ?" "always the mom's-maid never the mom." "must be hard on you." "knowing that the years are ticking away." "your friends all getting married." "and all the while your uterus slowly shriveling away... drying up... becoming totally worthless." "why you... you, you little bastard !" "how dare you ?" "eric, naughty." "what kind of monster would-- yes, let the anger come !" "strike me down while you can !" "but it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile !" "that's it, i'm not doing this !" "oh, but we really need some help !" "find yourself another nanny- television show !" "coming up next, it's super nanny !" "where other nannies fail, nanny joe comes through !" "this child's behavior is totally unacceptable !" "but there's no child too tough for super nanny !" "in just three days time you're going to see a new eric cartman !" "i'm afraid super nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis." "what do you mean ?" "i mean she spends most her time sobbing and eating her own excrement." "from hell... it's from hell.... oh dear... i don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems." "we've been through every nanny reality show on television !" "there is one more show you could still try... when good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend." "cesar millan." "no dog is too much for me to handle." "i rehabilitate dogs, i train people." "i am the dog whisperer." "( knocking ) please come in !" "so tell me what problems you're having with the child." "well, he's just..." "out of control." "i mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life." "so the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house." "you can stop talking behind my back, i'm right here, fruitcake." "see how i'm not looking at the child, i'm not acknowledging the child, i'm just letting the child know i'm not interested in him." "not interested in me ?" "see, the child thinks your world revolves around him." "because it does." "because everything he does gets a response from you." "yeah, well, i don't see why- ay !" "don't look at the child, just keep looking at me." "let him know we are having a conversation." "mom, this guy doesn't- agh !" "quit it !" "what is that you're doing ?" "dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck." "but it works equally well on the child." "i just use two fingers and nip at the child's neck." "doesn't hurt the child just shows him i am dominant." "look, mexican, if you think- knock it off !" "see, i'm not validating his bad behavior with either a negative or a positive response." "oh, that's very interesting !" "i think the first thing we need to work on getting the child some exercise." "he's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that-- i'm not fat !" "we need to let him burn off." "do you take walks with your son ?" "well, no, i don't." "come on, let's take your son for a walk." "ay !" "you think this is funny, you son of a bitch ?" "see, once again i am the one going for a walk." "this is about me, and the child is lucky enough to come along." "mom, this is degrading !" "agh, god dammit !" "( screaming ) don't look at him, just look straight ahead." "he'll run out of energy soon." "( screaming )" "mommmmmmm.... moooooooommmm.... here, why don't you try it now." "take your son." "mom, seriously people are seeing me !" "good, just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead." "the child can pick up on that confidence and learn he's suppose to follow you, not lead you." "mom, don't you love me ?" "can't you see i'm unhappy right now ?" "mommm !" "good mrs. cartman, very good !" "and now, back to the dog whisperer." "it is important to understand that dogs run in packs." "and one dog is always dominant- the pack leader." "god dammit, stop ignoring me !" "you must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy." "alright !" "this is abuse !" "i'm a child and i am entitled to attention !" "quit it, mom !" "it doesn't seem to work as well when i do it." "okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy." "what i have done is i have brought some kentucky fried chicken... ooh, colonel ?" "i am going to eat first, because that is what pack leader does." "gimme-- gimme the chicken." "gimme some chicken !" "ugh- what are you doing ?" "i want chicken." "gimme some goddamn chicken !" "i am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive, dominant behavior." "now you eat the chicken." "mom, give me some chicken." "i want chicken mom !" "we won't reward him until he's in a calm, submissive behavior." "god dammit i am not a dog !" "gimme the chicken." "gimme the chicken, i want the chicken." "the chicken !" "gimme chicken !" "gimme chicken !" "gimme chicken !" "we need him to become relaxed and submissive." "okay, i'm fine i'm cool now." "may i have some chicken please ?" "oh very good, sweetie." "no, no, now he's lying." "you can tell from his stance he's still aggressive dominant." "suck my asshole, taco bender !" "see ?" "god dammit !" "you can't stand here and eat k-f-c in front of me !" "now hand it over-- you can't do that to me !" "i- give me the- eh..." "ehhh... i am not being aggressive, i am being dominant." "wow, i have a lot to learn." "mom, i'm serious, this has gone on long enough !" "get that guy outta here and give me a piece of chicken !" "that's how you want it, bitch ?" "fine !" "i hate you- i'm running away !" "oh dear... that's okay, this is all part of the dominant struggle." "but what if he does run away ?" "let him go, he'll be back." "this is a good opportunity for you to relax or enjoy your favorite hobby." "oh boy, park avenue !" "i'm rich !" "hey guys... i've got some pretty big news." "i ran away from home." "yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so i moved out." "she didn't even try to stop me." "it's gonna be tough living on my own... but i'll get by somehow." "you can't stay here." "maybe you didn't hear me." "i ran away." "i don't have anywhere to sleep." "i'm out on the streets." "you're not staying at my house either." "alright, that's fine." "butters, i'll crash with you." "no, my parents won't lemme bring homeless people home anymore." "well what do you guys expect me to do ?" "stay at kenny's house ?" "his family is totally poor !" "i'm not staying with poor people !" "alright, i'll stay with kenny." "let's go, man." " you." "ugh !" "well, i guess now we see just how supportive friends can be." "when the chips are down you won't even lend a hand !" "i'll just go sleep on the street somewhere." "out in the cold." "probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities." "you guys will be sorry when i turn up dead !" "whoopie !" "jr railroad !" "( doorbell ) hey jimmy... you're not gonna believe this, but i ran away from home." "i just... i really need the support of my best friend right now." "who's your best friend ?" "you are jimmy !" "we've always been best friends !" "we know everything about each other !" "what's my last name ?" "god dammit." "craig, dude." "i ran away from home." "you're the first person i came to." "i knew you'd take me in off the streets." "but i hate you." "should that really matter at a time like this ?" "this is bullcrap !" "mom will break soon, i can outlast her !" "( door closes ) alright, i'm back." "oh eric !" "i'm so happy you're home !" "yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson." "i've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here." "look what i did, eric !" "i learned how to make sumi-e paintings !" "i'd almost forgotten how artistic i was !" "that's super-interesting, but i've been out living on the streets for almost four hours." "make me something to eat." "cesar !" "how's the painting going ?" "oh god dammit !" "oh look it came back !" "yup, just like you said he would !" "what is he still doing here ?" "he said he's hungry, what should i do ?" "let's feed it !" "what the hell is this ?" "skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad ?" "this is just like auschwitz !" "this is more aggressive dominant behavior, don't nurture it." "oh my god- bite-size snickers ?" "that's it." "i'm calling child protective services !" "come on, mrs. cartman you must become pack leader." "what do you do ?" "eric, if you don't want to eat, then why don't you just go brush your teeth and go to bed ?" "no -- you're asking him a favor." "don't ask a favor, dominate." "mom, i want this guy out of here, you got it ?" "if he's not gone in two minutes i will call social services on you !" "you project the dominant energy, and he will pick up on it, i promise." "shoulders back, head high." "don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it." "i am your son and you will listen to me !" "you have no right to-- mom, knock it off !" "i am not going to stand for-- seriously, mom-- this is-- why are you doing this ?" "momm... ma... i did it !" "you see, you were calm, assertive and in control." "oh !" "oh my gosh !" "see- this is the behavior we've been looking for." "this is a relaxed, submissive state." "he's never done this before." "good, now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention." "i love you very much, poopsiekins." "you're mommy's sunshine." "now you can give him a snack." "good, this is really good." "now try a command." "eric, i want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth." "then i'll be up to read you a story before bed." "oh, my goodness, i can't believe it !" "this is a great first step." "but you're going to have to stay firm and confident." "you are the pack leader now." "i am the pack leader !" "now before you go read your son a story, let's go enjoy a nice, quiet cup of tea !" "sounds divine !" "who does she think she is telling me to go brush my teeth ?" "jesus... what's happening to me ?" "so how is your son doing, mrs. cartman ?" "oh he's been amazing cesar." "he got an "a" on his last spelling test and a "b+" in history !" "he's losing weight and he's doing what i tell him !" "that's great !" "the best part is i'm not letting him boss me around anymore." "i could have never come out and had a nice lunch on a saturday afternoon with a friend before !" "good mrs. cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend." "there's just one problem." "he still fights me every step of the way." "i feel like he's doing what i tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry, spoiled child." "don't worry, when you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality." "oh cesar, i'm so happy to have you in my life." "guys..." "listen up." "i really need your help this time." "i've thought about it a lot, and i've decided..." "i have to kill my mom." "kill your mom ?" "she doesn't let me wear what i want anymore." "things have really gotten out of hand." "my mom must die so i can still have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life." "she's like hitler with all the demands she makes." "dude, have you lost more weight ?" "yes !" "i've lost almost ten pounds now !" "you see what i mean ?" "i totally know how it felt to be a jew in the holocaust now." "i have to kill my mom, it's my only way out." "dude, don't kill your mom." "that's not cool." "she's hitler." "would you have killed hitler if you had the chance ?" "alright, now here's the plan-- at 9:45 tonight, i will sneak out of my room." "and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked." "you guys come into the house at 10:30 pm sharp, having given me enough time to get down to perkins and be seen by everyone there, and then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom." "dude, we're not killing your mom." "well, i can't kill her, i'm too obvious of a suspect !" "now, when you reach her room, butters will keep a lookout, while kenny opens the bedroom door, kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and stan shoots her in the face." "where am i supposed to get a gun ?" "well i don't know, that's your job, stan !" "do i have to think of everything here ?" "i'm not shooting anybody." "okay, fine, butters you cover my mom's head with a pillow and kyle can shoot her in the face." "no, cartman !" "oh, well how about i just do everything ?" "how does that sound ?" "i'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games !" "fine, i'll do it by myself !" "you forced me to do this." "you couldn't just love me as a son." "you just humiliate and degrade me with your rules." "i won't let you dominate my life anymore... goodbye, mother." "wait... maybe... maybe i don't have the right to kill my mom... no, she's my mom !" "i can do whatever i want with her !" "it's more important that i live the way i want !" "she isn't an object you can own, she's a human being." "she isn't an object i can own, she's a human being." "no, kill herrrr !" "she's making you suffer !" "ugh... but... maybe all these changes are good for me... maybe... the world doesn't revolve around me ?" "maybe the world doesn't revolve around me ?" "burgh... ughh... the world doesn't revolve around me !" "arghhh !" "arrrghhhhh !" "arrrgh !" "( gasp )" "why eric !" "you made your own breakfast !" "yeah, mom, it's okay, it's grapefruit and lean ham." "and you're studying before school ?" "well... you told me i had to review my homework before class started." "oh eric..." "i'm very proud of you." "th... thank you ?" "i love you, sweetie." "( giggle ) okay, mom you're embarrassing me !" "geez !" "( doorbell ) cesar, i'm so happy you're back !" "how is the child doing ?" "oh he's amazing." "i think the change in personality happened !" "he's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it !" "i've lost a best friend, but i've gained a son." "that's much healthier for him." "and when he gets older, he'll be able to be your friend too." "you're the best, cesar." "and to show my gratitude, i've got two tickets for you and me to see madam butterfly this friday night !" "well, no my work is done." "i've got to get back to los angeles." "oh... but i thought we were becoming friends." "no, not really, you're just a client." "well, good luck to you, gotta go !" "i cleared up the table, mom." "i'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now." "eric... how would you like to go with me to see madam butterfly friday night ?" "no, that's okay." "besides i told stan and kyle we could work on our science project then." "well, what if i took you to kentucky fried chicken afterward ?" "and, then we'll go to target and i'll buy you a mega-ranger." "could i perhaps have..." "two mega-rangers ?" "yes, darling, you can have whatever you want." "( ominous chant-like music ) captioning made possible by comedycentral" "see." "god dammit !" "you can't stand here and eat k-f-c in front of me !" "now hand it over-- you can't do that to me !" "god dammit !" "eh..." "ehhh... i am not being aggressive." "i'm being dominant."