"You're going to love it here, Dad." "It looks really super, Tom." "Doesn't it, Dad?" "Oi!" "Dad?" "Oh, yes." "It's lovely." "Very...well kept." "I'm sure it will be a Great New Adventure." "That's the spirit." "I'll go and see to the biz." "You hang on." "Come on!" "Let's get Christopher out of the car." "Come on." "[Barks and children chatter.]" "It's a real crap up here." "Isn't it?" "Davey!" "Davey!" "Well, it is!" "I think it is terrible." "Don't be a chump, Davey." "It's just another step in the road." "Where?" "To wherever we're all going." "Come on, lad!" "Temper it with a smile, if you please." "Remember the emu." "[Door slams and footfalls approach.]" "Still in bed, are we?" "I said, "Still in bed, are we?"" "I am in bed." "You are on your fat feet." "We are not "in bed," God forbid." "Oh, Diana!" "You are a naughty..." "Don't waggle your nasty little finger at me, woman, or I'll bite it off." "Oh!" "It's such a lovely day." "So?" "Well, God gave up this day to enjoy." "What you want me to do?" "Go hang-gliding?" "You can always it in your sun lounge." "Don't think I could stand the excitement." "I watch the grass growing." "The grass watches me shrinking." "Dear, oh dear!" "Somebody has got out of bed the wrong side this morning." "Haven't got out of either side" "Oh, you mean you haven't been today." "I beg your pardon." "We haven't had a little twinkle today?" "Dear God!" "We're going to have to join the rubber sheet club." "Come on." "Let's see." "God's truth!" "Dear God, you really are quite unspeakable!" "What is the matter?" "You just haven't a clue." "Have you?" "Not a clue." "Miriam, we're very easy going here." "I mean, Rules are kept to a bare minimum." "They're more common sense and curtsey guidelines than rules." "Can he have a pet?" "We're not too keen on the larger pets: cats and dogs." "Oh." "The problem of what happens to them when the owners..." "Ah..." "Move on..." "Of course..." "I mean, small pets, fine:" "budges, gerbils, hamsters..." "Lizards?" "Sorry?" "Can I have a lizard?" "Um?" "You haven't got a lizard, Dad." "But I could get one." "I mean, I don't want to rush off to the lizard shop and purchase their finest to come back and find I am living in a lizardless society." "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Please." "Please." "I'm sure we could cope with the lizard." "Now, meal times." "What about a snake?" "Tom!" "Well...it would be good to have a snake around the place." "They could eat all the gerbils and budges left behind by the residents who have moved on." "Yes, I can see you're going to be a bit of a humorist, Dan." "Tom." "We're off on the big outing next week." "Horay." "I heard that" "Good." "Where is it this time?" "Another hunt for cut-price burial plots" "Actually, we're going to France." "On a pilgrimage to Lourdes." "Oh, my god." "On the minibus." "Have you gone quite mad?" "Oh, Lourdes is very well known for its healing qualities." "That minibus isn't." "You'll kill half of them." "We'll be taking it very slowly" "You took it slowly to Torquay, and see what happened." "Hardly hear yourself talk for the thud of falling bodies." "I take it you won't be coming." "I am neither suicidal nor Catholic." "Oh, it's nonsectarian." "Oh, I am glad." "I would hate to think anyone was precluded from sudden death of religious grounds." "A little faith would do you no harm." "Do you know what faith is, Jane?" "Faith is what helps you make the quantum leap between the believable... and the totally bloody ridiculous." "That's terribly cynical." "I do hope so." "I'd hate to think my time here had been totally wasted." "I sometime think that you enjoy it." "Snapping away at me and the residents." "No, I don't." "You lot are sitting ducks." "You need a moving target to enjoy it." "Of course, you can eat in your own bungalow, but you can also eat in here in the main building." "And this is our dining room." "Oh, really?" "What happens in here?" "Um..." "We eat here." "Oh, I see..." "That's why it is called the dining room." "Very clever." "This is the dining room." "They call it that, because people dine here." "Tom, please don't embarrass us." "Now, here is someone you'll get to know well." "This is Jenny." "Jenny..." "Mr. Bollard" "Ballard" "You must call me..." "Dan." "Tom." "Your name is...is Tom." "Yes, and then you'll be like Tom and Jenny." "You know, like the cartoon..." "Tom and Je..." "Yes..." "Well, moving right along is the residents' lounge." "Don't you worry, Tom." "We're not all like him." "He's our only major prat." "Well..." "Bit of a shag on a rock, hey." "Mhmm." "Well..." "We'll have to have him ringed." "Playing with yourself, are you?" "Would you care to rephrase that?" "You're playing Scrabble on your own." "Good god, so I am am, and I thought I was playing with the Dagenham Girl Pipers." "Would you like me to rustle someone up to play with you?" "No, thank you." "I like playing by myself" "It's easier to cheat." "I start losing, I can always drag ol' Lionel out of his cupboard." "Lionel..." "Mm hmm..." "Oh, dear..." "Haven't you heard?" "What?" "Lionel is no longer...with us." "Oh, do stop talking in euphemisms." "Do you mean that Lionel is dead?" "He's gone to another place" "What other place?" "Uh..." "Heaven." "God, I'll hit you one of these days." "So help me I will." "What did he die of?" "Well, he just sort of...stopped." "The usual...terminal boredom" "Another green bottle falls off the wall." "I though you knew." "Well, they hardly shout these things from the rooftops, you know." "Never see a hearse in here in daylight." "Slip in under cover of darkness like body snatchers." "Sun comes up... and everyone's trying to avoiding looking at the untouched bowl of Frosties on the breakfast table." "Would you like a pill?" "A mood elevator?" "You are a pill, Jane." "Go away." "Poor old sod." "Oh, it 'tis nice." "Isn't it?" "Nice." "I think Geoffrey wants you to pop outside while we have a man to man chat." "Alright." "Come alongs." "We can't leave grandpa here." "Out!" "Dad..." "If you don't like it here, we'll forget the whole thing and go home." "Thank you, Geoffrey, but I don't think so." "If I stayed there one more night, poor Marion would probably strangle her psychiatrist." "No, no." "She's just a bit, you know..." "Highly strung." "And so she should be." "Stop feeling guilty, Geoffrey." "We're all glad to see the backs of each another." "That's not true." "Far as I'm concerned, it is." "Really?" "Oh, yes." "I'll love it here." "Oh, well...jolly good." "Of course, we'll come and visit." "Don't hurry." "Right..." "Got to have adventures, Geoffrey." "This is my next adventure." "This is the upper reaches of the Nile..." "The trek to Lhasa..." "The Brazilian Jungle" "This is Bournemouth." "[Throat clearing.]" "I'm a flamingo." "Oh, my god, a fruitcake." "Cup of tea?" "What?" "To go with your fruitcake." "Thank you, but I'm reading." "My name is Tom Jones." "You've probably heard of me." "I'm a famous singer." "I work in Las Vegas... sweat a lot... and throw my underwear to middle-aged women... who scream for my body." "♫ It's not unusual to be loved by anyone. ♫" "♫ Da da da dadada da da dada da♫" "Bo, George, Mr. Stevens." "Hello, Miss Trent." "Everything alright?" "No." "Wonderful." "Bridge this evening?" "No." "See you there." "Hello, Dan." "Looking for some new chums, eh?" "Looking for some food, actually." "Come with me." "Miss Trent." "Brought someone to meet you." "Dan Bollard, this is Fiona Trent." "Just know you are going to get along marvelously together... so I'll leave you to do just that." "See you later." "Diana Trent." "Tom Ballard." "So, you're not Tom Jones" "Eh." "I'm just trying a new conversational opening." "Didn't work" "Do you mind if I sit down?" "Suit yourself" "I won't, if you don't want me to." "Sit." "Stand." "You can burn to the ground, for all I care." "Well..." "Since you put it so nicely, I'll sit." "There." "I've sat." "What you want me to do...applaud?" "I knew I shouldn't have sat." "Hello, Tom." "Settling in alright?" "Oh, yes." "I'm having the time of my life." "Wonderful place." "That's the spirit" "Pity everyone else doesn't have such a positive approach." "Each to his own, Jenny." "Some people like being cheerful." "Others enjoy being miserable." "Just as long as they enjoy themselves...that's the main thing." "Well, say it louder." "Somebody might hear you." "Cloying old fuddies like you that give the elderly a bad name." "Trotting out your trite little homilies, like some refuge from Reader's Digest." "You might enjoy being a quaint old parody of a human being... but I've still got my balls, thank you very much." "This meat isn't very good." "Never is." "What is it?" "Squiddle." "And these carrots... seem to be from a tin, if I'm not mistaken." "Better at weekends, when the relatives are around." "Well, doesn't anyone complain?" "Not often." "We're British..." "Bad food is a way of life." "They serve dead dog, they complain to the RSPCA before the chef." "Well, I'm going to have a word with Mr. Bains." "Won't do any good.He just runs the place." "I just run the place, you see, Tom." "But surely, running the place should encompass a provision of decent food." "Well, I think the food is rather good." "Don't you, Jane?" "Oh, yes, Mr. Bains." "We never have any complaints." "Jane, you're lying through your teeth." "You'll be struck down long before you get to Lourdes." "Well, not many complaints." "It's a question of budget, you see." "Oh!" "But I'll tell you what I'll do." "I'll have a word with Cook, and see if he can't put aside some choice cuts... just for you." "A-hem." "And you." "Of course, Miss Trent." "Be just..onto you...nod and a wink, eh?" "Oh, no." "I wouldn't like to think I was getting preferential treatment to my... fellow inmates." "Residents, Dan." "Residents." "Well..." "You told them then ?" "them." "It's not right." "Something smells fishy." "Probably the beef." "Not right at all." "Oh, forget it." "You tried your feeble best." "Not your fault you're a doddering old fool who wouldn't break wind without written permission." "You know your trouble, Miss Trent?" "What?" "Too much charm." "I do hope he isn't going to be a trouble maker." "Oh, I'm sure not." "I'm not a difficult man, Jane." "Oh, no you're not, Harvey." "Uh..." "Mr. Bains." "You see, if this place fails financially, people won't put their money into other Bayviews." "So, I would be depriving thousands of senior citizens of their place in the sun, if I were to allow us to function in any way but the, ah... well, reasonably profitable..." "I mean, it has nothing to do with my part in the profit shares scheme, but you know... shareholders are people too." "Ah, I do understand." "So, you'll keep an eye on him." "Sorry?" "Let us know in advance if the applecart looks like being upset." "Oh..." "I see." "Maybe Dan would like to go on the Lourdes trip." "I don't wish to know." "Tai Chi." "Never heard of it." "Chinese exercises." "Pumping up the Yin... and the Yang." "Sounds disgusting." "It promotes a healthy mind and body." "What for?" "So that you may live a long and healthy life." "What for?" "What for?" "Yes." "What is the point of having a long and healthy life, if you spend half of it stuck in this place waiting for it to end." "Dear, oh dear." "Tell me Miss Trent..." "What did you do, when you were alive?" "I was a spinster." "Is that a profession?" "It's a attitude." "I was a self-contained unit." "I did exactly as I pleased." "Until the dismal inequities of age turned the tables on me." "Ah..." "What was your excuse for cluttering up the planet." "I was enjoying life." "I still am." "Must be wonderful to be a simpleton." "Oh, it is." "Did you have an occupation?" "Oh, yes." "For many years, I was a bullfighter." "Oh, my god." "I fought under the name of El Cordobés." "Maybe you have heard of me." "I saw you in Málaga twenty years ago." "You were badly gored." "Indeed I was." "See..." "There's a scar." "Oh, the bull took your appendix out at the same time." "They're really smart animals." "And then what did you do?" "I was an astronaut." "Oh, yes." "And between trips to the Moon?" "A financier." "An accountant." "Yes." "A humble accountant." "One of many humble accountants in a very, very big firm." "I sat at the same desk, every day, for forty years." "Hence, you fantasizing." "Not fantasies at all." "We had three weeks paid holiday a year." "Plenty of time to fight bulls on the Moon." "So..." "You're just a boring man that's led a boring life." "You're absolutely right." "I board(?" ") for the World XI for many, many seasons." "Now a ludicrous poseur to boot." "Yes." "Everything I do is for effect" "You see..." "I'm terrified that, if people don't notice me." "that I may not be here at all." "You're not." "I've never seen or heard of you." "There's no one there." "I'm talking to a figment of my own diseased imagination." "Surely, you wouldn't bother to think me up." "That's true." "Besides, I just checked in the mirror." "I was actually there." "That is, assuming the mirror was really there." "Never assume a prescence." "You can only really be sure...of an abscence." "Which just about sums you up." "You're such a sweet person." "Just because we're old doesn't mean we have to be polite to one another." "I beleive in being polite to everyone." "Even mad bulls." "Please..." "Don't tell me any more about youself." "I don't want to know." "There's no time." "The only thing I ever did of any note... was to found the Kingston on Thames Communisit Party." "Look, I don't want to know." "Kingston on Thames Communisit Party?" "Yes." "Did you have many members?" "No, none at all." "It was just another of my totally futile gestures in life." "Do you know anything about Communism?" "Only what I picked up from Hemmingway in the Spanish Civil War." ""Cordobés," he said to me." ""Marx and Engels have nothing to do with ice skating."" "Listen, Ballard, you're not an original." "You can't disguise gibberish as original thought" "Just like the rest of us." "In this life we do three things:" "We're born." "We consume." "We die." "And you and I have done the first two." "We're just waiting to do the third." "You've come here to die." "So, kindly..." "Do it quitely and with dignity." "And on your own." "I met McJagger once." "At the siege of Madrid." "Bet you never did that." "♫ I can't get no, oh, no, no ♫" "Sorry, Mr. Ballard." "I must have forgot you." "No, no, Jenny." "You didn't." "I'm not having any." "You don't like it." "I'm on a hunger strike." "Oh..." "That's all right, then." "Give us a yell if you change your mind." "I'm on hunger strike." "Oh, yes..." "Like Ghandi." "I like Ghandi." "Finished already, Tom." "No, I'm not having any." "I'm on a hunger strike." "Oh, you don't want to do that, Tom." "I do." "I'm not going to eat until the food gets better." "Sorry, Miss." "Dan." "Harry." "Sorry?" "Harry." "No, it's not Harry, Dan, it's Harvey." "My appologies." "One should always try and get a person's name right, or they might not think you care for them." "Right." "So how are things?" "Things are fine." "So, you were just pulling Jane's legs, right?" "I would never presume such a liberty." "Oh, so you are on a hunger strike." "Just until I am presented with some food which I would consider worthy." "Have you mentioned this to anyone." "The Sun, The Mirror, and The Times." "Don't you worry about a thing." "Dan." "If I could just have your attention for a moment." "Now, about our trip to Lourdes." "Now, I'm sure some of you will remember the sucess of last years trip." "Success?" "Did someone make it home?" "Miss Trent likes her little joke." "Two people died." "Now." "Now." "You know that isn't true." "More than two, was it?" "Anyway..." "Just so I can get a rough idea of numbers." "Can I have a show of hands for all those interested." "Anyone for Lourdes?" "Hmm." "Hmm." "Hmm." "We do stock up with duty-free... at Bayonne." "That's if you make it that far." "Lourdes?" "Mr. Ballard!" "I'd very much like to go to Lourdes, Miss Edwards" "It's a wonderful place, and I can personally attest to its healing powers." "I myself benifited from them... after suffering severe injuries... while working in Spain." "¡Olé!" "I urge you all to go." "I'm sure that a wonderful time will be had by all." "Oh!" "Jolly good." "And you say the food's okay." "Wonderful." "So, you're not hungry." "Why should you ask that?" "No reason." "Just thought you might prefer to come home." "Why should I want to leave." "I only just got here." "Well..." "We miss you." "Don't we, Marion." "But when you were laying your new patio," "I distinctly overheard someone suggest that, it might be a good idea if I was to become an integral part of the concrete mix." "I'd just skinned a rabbit in my sewwing room." "Rabbit." "Will you come home, Dad?" "No, no, no, Geoffery." "You can't stop the Crusaides at Cypres." "I am afoot." "Avaunt." "See!" "He's very happy here." "He wants to stay." "Oh, alright." "Goodbye." "Ghastly creature." "Should have been strangled at birth." "You talking to me?" "To you?" "No." "About you?" "Possibly." "How's the hunger strike?" "Never miss a trick, do you?" "The consistency of your malevolence is heartening." "Do you want some?" "Get thee behind me." "I do love to see a man of principle." "Those are so fatuous, now a days." "Eat your sweets, Miss Trent." "He's got your number, you know." "Who?" "Banes, of course." "Why do you think your awful offspring suddenly turn up, saying come home, all is forgiven?" "Why?" "He wants you out." "You're a troublemaker." "He's been on to them." "Oh, dear." "Your dad's not happy." "He weeps into his soup." "Better take him home, before he kills himself or brings dishonor on your house." "He wouldn't do that." "Well, he tried it with my family...got onto my neice." "Lashings of moral blackmail." "But you're still here." "Yes, 'course I am." "My neice was trained by me." "Told Baines that if I wanted to do myself in, I was to be given every assistance." "But that's aweful." "I thought it was splendid" "Aweful of Banes, I mean." "You don't think El Cordobés is like some common picador." "I don't think we'll have too much trouble from dear old Dan." "Had a word with the daughter-in-law." "She knows how to get him in line." "You have to be a people manager, you know, Jane." "And I must say, I'm a rather good one." "Oh, you are, Harvey." "You are." "Dan." "Tom!" "Got that." "Tom!" "Tom?" "Is this correct?" "Well, I should have been informed." "Do come in, Tom." "What can we do for you?" "Sit!" "What?" "Sit!" "You sit, too." "Now, listen to me." "We don't seem to have much choice." "I said listen." "Sorry." "In this institution, you have over a thousand years of wisdom and human experience." "Understand?" "You don't have a bunch of old crocks that need managing and herding around the place like lame sheep." "Wha?" "Silence!" "Also in this institution, you have paying customers." "We pay." "You work." "What does that make you?" "Our employee." "Right?" "Right." "So, as one of your many bosses," "I am now going to give you some instructions about the food around here." "Now, Tom, I did explain." "Sit!" "This is not a discussion." "Here are your orders concerning the food." "You will obey these or I'll put phase two of my plan into operation, and that, I can assure you will snap your little Yuppie brain right down the middle." "Do you understand?" "Yes, Tom." "Come along, Mrs. Summerbund." "Come on." "No time to waste." "You won't need that when you get back anyway, eh?" "Not going to Lourdes, then?" "I value my health." "You're learning." "Hear you've given up the hunger strike." "Yes." "Said you had no balls." "What's your favorite dish, Miss Trent." "Poached salmon." "Why?" "Banes." "Harry." "It's Harvey." "Yes, Tom?" "Poached salmon for Miss Trent, please" "Sure, fine." "Why not?" "Poached salmon." "Caviar. ?" "eggs." "Why not?" "Why not?" "Yes, why not?" "It's only money." "Profits." "How on earth did you manage that?" "I told him that if the food did not improve," "I would disembowl myself on the steps of the town hall." "Would you have done it?" "Certainly not, but he doesn't know that." "He thinks I'm a potential psychopath." "They all think we go barmy after seventy." "Exploit it." "That's what I say." "Play Scrabble?" "I'm a bullfighter." "You're a crackpot." "At least, I'm prettier than you."