"I have some very important news about our favorite mini-horse, Li'I Sebastian." "ALL:" "Yay!" "Li'I Sebastian!" "He died last night." "TOM:" "No." "But we can take comfort in the fact that he is in heaven now, doing the two things he loves doing the most." "Eating carrots and urinating freely." "RON:" "When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast," "I thought, " All right." ""Another bureaucrat ate it."" "But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian." "Half-mast is too high." "Show some damned respect." "Because of all he's done for the town, we are gonna be holding a small memorial service for him." "But for now," "I think we should bow our heads in a moment of silence." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "I got it, thank you." "So maintenance is gonna set up the stage." "Ron will be laying the ceremonial wreath." "Leslie, there's a 13th century Italian poem by Dante Alighieri that would be very appropriate." "Oh, Jerry, that sounds wonderful." "Okay, Andy, I need you to write a memorial song." "Something like Candle in the Wind, but 5,000 times better." "Easy." "Hey, if you want a song from Andy Dwyer, lead singer of Mouse Rat, you should know he doesn't get out of bed for less than $1,000." "We can give him 50 bucks." "Sold." "(MIMICKING GUN SHOT)" "Okay, here is a memo with some facts about Li'I Sebastian." "I think you'll find yours particularly interesting." "It's just a list of facts." "What?" "Okay, mine says, "You have a cute butt."" "That's weird." "Must be a typo." "Yeah, Jerry, it's probably a typo, because it probably should've said, "You have a cube butt."" "(LAUGHING)" "'Cause your butt's shaped like a cube." "Yeah." "The question is, why is my memo different than everyone else's?" "(CHANTING) Cube butt, cube butt." "ALL: (CHANTING) Cube butt, cube butt." "Well, the good news is this is just tendonitis." "How is that good news?" "The other option was shoulder cancer." "Really?" "No." "Look, you exercise a lot." "You're in great shape." "Little things like this happen with men of your age." "Men of my age?" "How old do you think I am?" "Forty-two." "(SCOFFS)" "I am 44, and I plan to live to be 150." "Okay." "So." "What's the cure?" "Get a time machine." "Go back to being 20." "Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met." "Okay, all the permits cleared for the horse funeral." "What was that tone?" "What?" "Oh, nothing." "Question!" "Who's a genius?" "Answer, Tom Haverford." "Reason, Jean-Ralphio just started an exclusive, high-end production company, and he's willing to put on Li'I Sebastian's memorial service pro bono, just for the pub." "Pub is an abbreviation for publicity." "Jean-Ralphio is a clown." "This is the memorial for Li'I Sebastian, not double-coupon night at a strip club." "First off, double-coupon night is an incredible value." "Secondly, this guy just started a business." "He's my friend." "It would really help him out." "Plus, I'm gonna oversee everything and make sure it goes great." "Okay, Tom, we trust you." "Make us proud." "Make him proud." "Why don't you just Photoshop that out?" "Oh, hi, Ann Perkins." "Hi." "How are you?" "I'm dying." "What?" "Tendonitis." "Oh." "I don't know if you should lead with "I'm dying."" "You're right, you're right." "So." "What's up with you?" "I'm just helping Leslie plan Li'I Sebastian's memorial service." "Li'I Sebastian died?" "He was old, and he had a lot of ailments." "Like tendonitis?" "I don't know." "I don't have his chart in front of me." "Could you get it?" "What?" "No..." "There's no chart." "Oh, my God." "Death is inescapable." "Goodbye, Ann Perkins." "Man, whenever I run into that guy, he always just throws me off." "Don't even talk about Chris." "Every time I hear his name," "I think about the fact that he's gonna find out about me and Ben, and he's gonna fire both of us." "And about how much he hurt you." "Yeah, there you go." "Yeah." "Okay, I'm gonna see Ben in our secret meeting place in a few minutes." "How do I look?" "What are you going for?" "Sophisticated with a hint of slutty." "Bulls-eye." "So nice to see you so happy about a guy." "Thanks." "I don't know." "When I look at my life right now, it feels almost perfect." "I mean, we have to sneak around, but weirdly, it's kind of fun that nobody knows." "Hello, Leslie." "How long have you been sleeping with Ben?" "What?" "How long have you been sleeping with Ben?" "That's disgusting and wrong." "I don't even get..." "Why would..." "I..." "I've never had sex with anyone anywhere." "It's none of your..." "You have the nerve, the audacity..." "Ben is my boss, technically." "And he is terrible, facewise." "And how..." "How do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him?" "Maybe you are." "Maybe you're trying to throw me off." "Hmm." "Check and mate." "This is an outrage!" "Who do I call?" "Hey, hey." "Hey, hey." "Hey, Ron." "Listen, you're just who I was looking for." "Are you..." "Did you forget the..." "Did you..." "Can I get that thing?" "Can we just, uh..." "Did you bring it?" "This isn't convincing." "(SIGHS)" "How did you find out?" "We've worked together for a while now." "I'd like to think I know you pretty well." "Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night." "LESLIE:" "Okay, okay." "And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss." "(BEN LAUGHING)" "Whoa." "Eleanor likes the tongue." "Hey, show me Pelosi again." "(LAUGHING) Okay, lay down." "Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg." "Unfortunately not." "(GROANS)" "This is a scandal waiting to happen." "If you get caught, which you clearly will," "Chris will fire you." "And I won't be able to stop him." "(SIGHS)" "Come on, help me." "There's a lot riding on this." "This is what Li'I Sebastian's gonna listen to in horsey heaven." "Okay, let me hear your favorite one so far." "(SINGING) You're a champion little horse" "And you're dead" "You're the champion of death" "You're the champion of death" "Maybe try to do one without the word "dead" so much." "Or "death" or "you're dead."" "See?" "You're helping me already." "LESLIE:" "So the only people that know are my mom, Ann, and Ron." "And they're not gonna say anything." "Right." "Just no more fooling around at work." "(GROANS)" "Okay, yeah." "We can't." "Well, I mean, you know, a situation could arise where you do something good, and I congratulate you." "You know, kind of like this." "Yes." "Like, "Oh, congratulations."" "That feels appropriate." "Yeah." "Yeah, I mean, I think we can get away with that as long as we don't do stuff like this." "Hey, lovebirds." "What do I do with this?" "You can just leave it there." "WORKER:" "Okay." "So my mom, Ron, Ann, and that guy." "(SINGING GIBBERISH)" "For the memorial ribbons?" "No doubt." "Which one floats your penis?" "They're all black." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Maybe to the layman, Jerry." "Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani." "Hey, Jerry, does this look black to you, too?" "(LAUGHING AGAIN)" "What you saw was not what you think it is." "I was just congratulating her because she got some good news." "Oh, right." "Yeah." "We were both kind of up for this thing, this really..." "I won the MacArthur Genius Grant." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, so that's what the hug was all about." "Sure." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "Hey, you know what?" "We'll cover your duties here." "You should just take the rest of the day off." "Okay." "Well, thanks." "Thank you." "And thank you for your discretion." "You got it." "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "Welcome, everyone." "Sebastian may have been li'I, but his impact on this town and the Parks Department was anything but li'I." "I would like to introduce two of his closest friends." "Cue music and lights, and..." "Go Ladybug, go Coconut." "Coconut and Ladybug both in position." "Not only was Coconut a friend, but she was also a lover." "Our deepest sympathy is with you." "TOM:" "Coconut just took a dump on the stage." "We gotta clean that up." "Code red." "Coconut just took a dump onstage." "TOM:" "Hey, Leslie." "The maintenance guy bailed on us." "No one knows where he is." "He had the fuel for the eternal flame." "No way." "That guy left?" "What a..." "Okay." "Start the video presentation." "I'll deal with it." "All right." "Jerry, I need you to go get some propane." "No, what about my poem?" "No one wants you to read a poem, okay, Jerry?" "What everyone wants, what Li'I Sebastian wants, is for you to get propane." "Fine." "I'll do it for Li'I Sebastian." "(SIGHS)" "Now we have a special presentation, courtesy of the folks at Entertainment 7Twenty." "Hope you brought a change of clothes." "'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears." "You nasty." "TOM:" "Who are we?" "Where are we going in life?" "What is the meaning of all of this?" "These are questions Li'I Sebastian never had to answer because he was a horse." "Instead, he just brought us joy and happiness." "And isn't that the point?" "You gotta join the company." "I'm the bank." "You're the money." "I know, J, but it'd be a big leap." "And I will take that leap with you." "I'm Thelma, you're Louise." "You can't die full of regret." "Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video?" "He was a horse." "Yeah." "Because he followed his dreams." "TOM:" "There was no obstacle too large." "No mountain too high." "No valley too low." "Li'I Sebastian had a long life, filled with wonder." "Good night, Li'I Sebastian." "Forever." "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "LESLIE:" "We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise." "All the proceeds will go towards Li'I Sebastian's favorite charity, the Afghan Institute of Learning." "Next, we have a special musical tribute by Mr. Andy Dwyer." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?" "This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind." "(SINGING) Up in horsey heaven" "Here's the thing" "You trade your legs for angel's wings" "And once we've all said goodbye" "You take a running leap and you learn to fly" "Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian" "I miss you in the saddest fashion" "Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian" "You're 5,000 candles in the wind" "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "BEN:" "Hey, why is Perd Hapley unveiling the memorial stone?" "Because Joe from sewage had to hand out the armbands, and Perd had to fill in for Mortenson, and Mortenson had to fill in for Howser." "Okay, well, why couldn't Donna do it?" "Because Donna's reading Jerry's Italian poem." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "This is sort of a mess." "No, it's okay, we're..." "What the hell, Leslie?" "I thought I was supposed to lay the ceremonial wreath." "Why is Councilman Howser doing it?" "Because you are doing something better." "You are lighting the memorial flame, which is the greatest honor of all." "Oh, my God." "Ron, congratulations." "I saved it for you, Ron." "Who caught you guys?" "A very nosy maintenance worker, and we talked to him, and now we're all friends, and he's not gonna tell on us." "It's totally fine." "I think if you would know one thing about me, it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches." "I have cried twice in my life." "Once when I was seven, and I was hit by a school bus." "And then again when I heard that Li'I Sebastian had passed." "His memory will live on, as today we light a fire" "that will burn on for eternity." "Okay, deep breath." "I think we got through it." "Thank God." "Yeah." "Hey, Jerry, you put propane in the eternal flame, right?" "No, they were out." "So I just got a big thing of lighter fluid." "It's kind of the same thing." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Huh?" "Oh!" "We planned that!" "Wow, wow!" "We planned that." "Yay!" "JERRY:" "Please, Ron, I am very sorry." "I guess I put too much fuel in the torch." "Oh, I don't know, Jerry." "I think you're being hard on yourself." "Ron, are you mad at me?" "'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell." "LESLIE:" "Ron Swanson loves his facial hair." "And we burned it off." "This thing that we're doing, it's unsustainable." "What, you want to break up?" "What?" "No." "I like you." "Well, then..." "You want to tell Chris." "What?" "No." "I like my job." "Well, then, what do we do?" "Okay, operation shutdown." "No more secret hand-holding." "No more smooching in Ann's office." "In fact, when we're at work, we just shouldn't talk to each other at all." "Okay, well, that's gonna be really hard, and we could still get fired." "I know." "But it's worth the risk if I can be with you." "All right." "Well, then, I'm in." "What are you doing?" "Are you kidding me?" "I'm sorry." "No, it's force of habit." "So what do I do, Ron?" "Do I stay here or roll the dice with Jean-Ralphio?" "You have no interest in government work, and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude." "I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy." "It'll be damn hard to replace you." "But I'll support you either way." "Two of my lovers in one place." "What a coincidence." "Tammy." "Hello, Ron." "Ooh, what happened here?" "And more importantly, does the carpet match the face?" "If you're looking for trouble, take it somewhere else." "An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face." "And it was far preferable to spending another second with you." "Tell that to your pants-tent." "It's just the way I'm standing." "Go back to the library, where you belong." "Hey, Glenn." "Wanna dance?" "No, I'm okay." "Just one dance?" "No." "With mommy?" "You know, tendonitis is usually caused by overuse." "Have you been working out more than usual?" "I did do 10,000 push-ups last week." "Oh, really." "That might have something to do with it." "You need to relax." "You're in great shape." "For a 44-year-old." "Yeah." "That's how old you are, man." "You're right." "I've been overreacting." "I don't like thinking about death." "Death is the opposite of..." "Being alive?" "Exactly." "Look at us." "Talking like friends." "Yeah." "What the hell." "Friends." "Ann Perkins." "Chris Traeger." "CHRIS:" "What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone?" "I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman." "Sitting on my back to increase my resistance." "Copy of our new hit single, 5,000 Candles in the Wind, and the new full-length CD, The Awesome Album." "Eighteen bucks each, $40 for the set." "I don't know." "That's a lot of money." "No, it isn't." "Okay." "ANDY:" "Honey, you are awesome at this." "APRIL:" "Thanks." "April, I need to ask you something, and it's the biggest thing I've ever asked anybody in my entire life." "Honey, we're already married." "No, this is way more important than that." "April Ludgate, would you be my manager?" "Seriously?" "Okay." "Yeah." "Excuse me." "Are you Leslie Knope?" "Yes." "My name is William Barnes." "Do you have a minute to talk?" "Sure." "We really enjoyed the service." "That fireball was truly amazing." "I'm glad." "'Cause it was planned." "And you were also responsible for the Harvest Festival, correct?" "Well, a lot of people contributed to that." "You don't have to be modest." "We know it was you." "You did an amazing job." "Thank you." "We are part of a group that tries to identify potential candidates for political office here in town." "And we think that you might fit the bill." "Oh." "Wow." "Which office in particular?" "Well, there are a couple city council seats we think are vulnerable." "And the mayor's term is up next year." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "All we need to know right now is are you theoretically interested in running for office?" "Absotootly, I am." "Very sorry that I just used that word." "But yes." "I just..." "I've dreamed about this moment for a long time." "Guess I'll be heading home." "Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?" "Actually, I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station." "DONNA:" "Red alert, Swanson." "Your ex-wife is back." "No kidding, Donna." "Not her." "The other ex-wife." "Tammy One." "She's in your office." "(BLEEP)!" "Would I have to quit my job?" "Well, that's a long way off." "Of course." "But listen." "When you run, even in a local election, your life becomes an open book." "So if you so much as stiff a waiter on his tip or use a government stamp for personal mail, it will come out." "So before we go any further," "I need you to tell me, is there a scandal out there?" "Is there anything at all you need to tell us about your life?" "Nope." "All right." "Well, we'll be in touch." "Yeah, I think we can do that for a million." "Okay, we'll talk soon." "There was no one on the other end of that phone call, but soon there will be." "Welcome to the Dreamatorium," "A.K.A. the headquarters of Entertainment 7Twenty." "We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a couch with a ceiling on it, in-house DJ." "DJ Blunt." "And best of all, former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf is on retainer." "What's up, Detlef?" "So, Tom, what does this business do, again?" "It's a multimedia entertainment production conglomerate." "I don't know, man." "You have a lot of overhead here." "Ever thought about scaling back a bit and focusing on building your client base?" "(LAUGHING) Thanks a lot, Forbes magazine." "But we didn't hire you to give us business advice." "We hired you to look pretty and shoot baskets." "So why don't you head over there and do your thing?" "We want people to see you when they come in, Detlef." "Big D, hit me!" "Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh." "Come on." "We're living the dream."