"Hi..." "Let's get us a little breakfast." "Come on." "Come, Paul Anka." "Breakfast!" "Get it while it's room-temperature and nutrient-free!" "Milk, cream, and sugar's on the table." "Flo's got coffee." "Who needs a jolt?" "I do." "Okay." "Inspect the bagels closely, because the expiration date was in braille, apparently, and either they're new or from my baby shower." "I'm also sorry to report that we are currently out of the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tarts." " Ohh!" " Ohh!" "Don't "ohh!" me." "You guys have been playing favorites all week." "And now it's time to pay the piper, so someone be a man." "Suck it up and start eating the shredded wheat." "Cowards." "Oh, hey, ooh!" "Remember, people, only pet the dog with your nonwatch hand." "In case you don't remember, watches cause him to freak out, jump up on the counter, and kick my once-working toaster across the room." "Your muffins." "My what?" "You left an urgent message about needing muffins." "Oh, right." "Muffins, boys!" "These were for them?" "Oh no, they were for me." "I thought I'd eat my weight in muffins today." "Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?" "Like what?" "His posture's perfect." "Chairs are for people." "Not that chair." "That's Paul Anka's chair." "Dogs are filthy." "They have fleas and malaria on them." "You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're gonna eat in." "I don't eat in here." "They do." "Enjoying your free breakfast there, fellas?" "Nice free coffee there, Craig." "Nice free muffin there, Benny." "Gee, Luke, I don't think they know what you're getting at." "Okay, that's good." "Are you done here?" "'Cause Tom wants to talk to us." "Alright, Norman, I'm gonna need you to find me some cripple studs for that bearing wall we're putting in, 'cause once that sucker's vertical, we got to be ready to nail in those joists." "Just keep doing what you're doing and then bring those tools up to check." "So, Steve, later today we're gonna need to dig a footing drain all around the perimeter, about 5 feet deep." "That ought to keep the basement dry." "This house doesn't have a basement." "No, it certainly does not." "Okay, this is ridiculous." "How long are you gonna let T.J. think that he's the contractor?" "To the very end, my friend." "This is stupid." "We have to tell him the truth." "No, look how happy he is strutting around in his toolbelt and shiny silver helmet." "You know he polishes that thing every night after work." "Really?" "Yes, really, with real silver polish." "That's what he thinks silver polish is for- to polish anything that's silver." "I think that's adorable." "And the good news is he's got terrible instincts, but he combines that with zero follow-through, so it all works out in the end." "Terrible instincts, zero follow-through- all the qualities you want in a good pretend contractor." "But we're paying T.J. a contractor's salary to do a job that he's not actually doing, and you're paying Tom an extra 10% to pretend he's not doing a job that T.J. thinks he's doing but Tom is actually doing." "You should hire Blake Edwards as your contractor." "Oh, no." "T.J.'s playing with the circular saw." "Tom will get to him before he finds the on switch." "We're going to tell him." "Luke, he is your brother-in-law." "Just because Liz married him." "which will make you happy, which will make me happy." "Well, just so you know, I'm gonna oversee this entire thing." "I'm gonna make sure T.J. doesn't blow the house up." "I appreciate that." "Will you please go make the guys an extra pot of coffee?" "I'm gonna go to Babette's and take a shower." "Why?" "Your shower's working." "Ah, well, yeah." "Just had a little incident in here yesterday." "What kind of incident?" "Nothing big." "Some of the guys saw me naked." " What?" " It's no big thing." "How in the hell did a couple of guys see you naked?" " I was getting out of the shower, and Joe" " Joe?" "Joe saw you naked?" " And Pete." " Pete." "Pete was with Joe, and then Slim" " Slim saw you naked?" "Well, I could see him, so I assume he could see me." "Billy had the best view- just a straight shot right down main street." "So four guys saw you naked?" "If you don't count Teddy, then yes." "What in the hell were those guys doing up there in the first place?" "T.J. accidentally sent them up." "I'm gonna kill him." "Luke, it was no big deal." "Please." "We all laughed about it." "From now on, I'm showering at Babette's, so show's over." "No one sees the goods but you, okay?" "They're good." "They're stale." "And the blueberries aren't blue." "They're red." "My god, these blueberries are red!" "They're raspberries." "Well the box said they were blueberry." "It was printed on the side." " Actually, I was in the kitchen, and the box said" " She just kills me, that woman." "It wasn't as provocative as you think, grandma." ""On my last visit to the office, I noticed the foliage on the right side of the entrance looked a little peaked." "We might want to let the gardener know." "Ta, ladies. "" "Again." "It's not exactly Martin Luther nailing the 95 theses to a door." "It's implying I have no control over my hirelings at the D.A.R." "I'm the president." "The foliage on the right side of the door, which looks fine, by the way, is my responsibility." "This is a direct frontal assault on my leadership." "The woman's plotting a coup." "This is Constance, right?" "Constance Betterton." "Ever since the Mastersons' Christmas party, when I mentioned that Constance's husband sells used cars for a living, which he does- he calls them "pre-owned,"" "but they're used- she's had it in for me." "She's gonna run against me in the next election." "You don't try to oust a president of the D.A.R. after one term- it's an insult!" "I think you will beat her handily." "Did I tell you she tried to push me down the stairs once?" "Look, grandma, don't worry." "You have someone on the inside now." "I do?" "Who?" "Me." "Oh." "Yes." "I'll keep an eye on Constance from now on- let you know when she comes in, when she uses the computer, when she's inspecting the landscaping." "Well, that's wonderful!" "But stay out of the stairwell." "Will do." "Mmm." "Raspberry." "I like raspberry." "Twist ties?" "Twist ties are over there." "Is that bag half full or half empty, Jules?" "Oh, you're making me an optimist, my friend." " Rory?" " Liza?" "Rory?" "No, we agreed." "Not until the end of your shift." "But I don't think the patch works on me." "That is a billion milligrams of nicotine." "Is that bad?" "Just go sit by the cooler, have some water, and take those off." "Problem?" "No, I just told her to get some water." "She seems really dehydrated." "Looks pretty good." "Yeah." "I think we've hit a really good rhythm here." "I've paired up Rinaldi and Spiro, which worked out very efficiently." "Sanderson got a little grumpy toward the end of the day, but it's 'cause he wants to be noticed, and he is by far our best spearman." "Also, we need to remember to pack a couple of extra trash spears tomorrow." "The McFarland brothers are using the trash pickup to get out some of that pent-up aggression, which is psychologically healthy but hard on the equipment." "Got it." "So, what's it looking like?" "Well, our quota's up." "The kids are tired." "I think it's time to call it a day." "All right, everybody, let's bring it in!" "Hey!" "A bunch of girls are going for pizza, if you want to come." "I'll come." "Are you a girl?" "No." "I would, but I can't." "I've got a 3-hour shift at the nursing home." "I can't believe how much community service they stuck you with." "What the hell did you do?" "I shot a man in Reno." "Give it." "The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I've consistently spent the night with a man." "I don't know the rules." "I mean, obviously, the clothes have to come off for the actual sex part of the evening, but, afterward, what are you supposed to do?" "I mean, nightgowns are obviously out, but wearing nothing seems extreme and, in case of fire, completely impractical." " Oh, sure." " I wore a camisole one night." "It almost strangled me." "And I'm definitely not a teddy girl, so what does that leave?" "Um... t-shirts." "But what does a t-shirt say about me?" " Well..." " More importantly." "What does it say to Doyle about me?" "Sweetie, it's just a t-shirt." "They don't tend to be that chatty." "I don't know." "Maybe I should reconsider the "completely naked" option." "After all, I'm 21." "If not now, when?" "I mean, right now, my ass is probably as good as it's ever going to get." "I should exploit that, right?" "Absolutely." "Buy a video camera, go to town." "You know what, I'm starting to fade here." "Oh, me too." "Listen, it's been a terrific lunch." "I'll get another espresso." "Actually, we're out of espresso." " You are?" " Yes." "We shut the machine down at 3:00 to give it a rest." "'Cause it's Italian, so it's a little temperamental." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, then, I guess I should" "Go?" "Really?" "Okay." "Well, hmm." "Sweetie, it's been a blast again." "Okay." "So, I guess I'll see you Tuesday." "Yeah, Tuesday." "Perfect." "Can't wait." "Okay." "Is she gone?" " Yes, she's gone." " Thank God." "I can't believe you're in here hiding from a little girl." "Oh, yes, you can." "She has a tough exterior, but in the inside, Paris is..." "Tokyo Rose." "She's lonely." "She does not have a lot of friends." "No!" "Shocker!" "Sookie." "No." "No "Sookie. "" "She's horrible." "I mean, she sends everything back twice, and she makes the waiters write down exactly what she wants me to know is wrong with the food." "At least you're hidden in here." "I'm out there behind a desk, exposed to all of her elements." "Michel." "She mocked my accent." "She called me "Canadian. "" "It's enough already." "I won't cook for her anymore." "Lunches." "Twice a week for three weeks?" "Yeah, creepy." "The next thing you know, you'll be carrying Emmanuel Lewis around on your shoulders." "We don't have time for this, Lorelai." "We have a wedding this week." "I've got a menu to plan and a cake to design." "I don't have time to map out the fish patterns for my wild salmon." "Okay, okay, I'm sorry she's bothering you guys." "What can I do?" "I gave her my cellphone number." "I told her to call." "I just didn't think she'd use it so often." "Well, cut it off." "I feel sorry for her." "No one likes to be pitied." "Fine, I have to cut it off." "I know." "I will." "Do you promise?" "I promise." "Good, because I've got a lot of work to do." "We've got a ton of planning to do for this wedding next week, and the menu's a mess." "And the cake." "I was thinking about a red velvet cake, but I don't know." "I'm using this wedding as a trial run, so it has to be perfect." "A trial run for what?" "For your wedding." " Oh." " Which will be when?" "What?" "When?" "When what?" "When will you be getting married?" "I'm gonna need a date." "Oh, we haven't set one yet." "Well I had Michel black out all of July for next year." "You what?" "I figured you and Luke for a summer wedding." "Who and Luke?" "July 23rd is my pick, but I am flexible." "Michel, unblack it out." "I told you." ""I told you" what?" "I told her that you were not getting married." "I am getting married." "You were right." "You called her." "The woman can't commit to a purse, much less a man." "I am getting married." "I am so naive." "I believed." "Live and learn." "Hey, I am getting married." "I am." "We will set a date." "And we will get married on that date." "And I've had the same purse for almost a year, thank you very much." "Of course." "My mistake." "Now let me go cancel your wedding plans." "Those are not my wedding plans." "They are Sookie's wedding plans." "Well, fine, then!" "What are your wedding plans?" "They haven't been formalized yet." "What does that mean?" "Sookie, come on." "I got men running around my house, a completely destroyed bedroom- things are crazy right now." "When they calm down and Luke and I get a chance to breathe, we will talk and set the date." "Until then, will you drop it, please?" "Fine." "It's dropped." "She's back!" "She's coming back!" " No!" " Why?" "!" "I don't know why." "Maybe she left her phone or her spell book." "All I know is she's heading back toward the Inn, and I'm not going out until she leaves." "Michel, you're being ridiculous." "You're a grown man." "And you have a job to do." "So do you." "And I don't see you rushing out." "Well I can't." "'Cause I'm not done with my coffee yet." "Mmm!" "Good to the last drop." "Daughters of the American Revolution." "Mrs. Tarkington, yes, I've got your application right here" "Sandra Tarkington." "Um, I guess we just need to make 100% sure that you're related to a verifiable patriot, because we couldn't substantiate it on our end." "Well, see, that's the thing- the fact that you found a musket in your great-uncle's attic doesn't necessarily mean you're related to a revolutionary war patriot." "Yeah." "Unfortunately, even if your great-uncle Nate swore on your aunt Kissy's grave that it was so." "It's documented genealogy, preferably notarized." "Could you hold on for a moment?" "Psst." "Where's Julia?" "Slinked to the back after I tore down Constance's letter." "Good, 'cause I've got some gossip." "My own little Valerie Plame." "What's the news?" "Okay." "So, I was at lunch with some of the girls, and I started sniffing around, just casually asking if anyone had funny stories about Constance." "You sly fox!" "So one of the girls tells me that about three months ago, she was in the office with Constance, and as Constance was heading out for lunch, she stumbled and dropped her purse, and her altoids box popped open," "spilling out enough funny-looking pills to fill a pharmacy." "Constance claimed they were all vitamins." "Julia didn't buy it." "Because the minute the pills spilled out, Constance threw herself on top of them to cover them up." "A cover-up- that's good." "That's what took Nixon down." "This is so exciting!" "I love having a mole." "We should go buy you a trench coat and fedora." "I suggested to the girls that next week we invite Constance to lunch- get a couple drinks in her and see what comes up." "Who knew that behind such a sweet face lurked the soul of a spy?" "I prefer the term "woman of mystery and intrigue. "" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Rory." "Oh, hey, Paris." "Hey, we need to talk." "This is a bad time." "Okay." "No, now's a fine time." "What's up?" "Good." "This hard-to-reach thing was getting old." "I'm all yours, Paris." "I have to put down a security deposit today by 5:00 or we lose the place." "What place?" " Our place." " Our place where?" "Our off-campus place." "You're hard to reach in a myriad of ways." "Paris, we don't have a place." "I'm not moving off campus with you." "Why?" "Because I no longer go to campus." "So you're sticking with this "not going to Yale" thing of yours?" "Yes, I am." "Is this about the boat?" "How do you know about the boat?" "Oh, come on." "It's out there." "Out there?" "Why is it out there?" "How is it out there?" "I read about it on Rebecca Thurston's blog." " You're kidding." " I'm dead serious." "I thought Rebecca Thurston's blog was just about the guys she has sex with and how much she hates her mother." "That's true, but the boat you guys stole belongs to Dr. Daniel Zimmerman, whose son is Jason Zimmerman, who Rebecca Thurston had sex with on her father's boat last semester." "I can't believe I'm in the blogosphere." "See for yourself." "Just Google "Rory Gilmore sex boat. "" "Oh, my god." "Is it true you and Logan tried to outrace the Connecticut coast guard?" "Rent the apartment, Paris." "I'm not coming back to Yale." "You know, you've put me in a very difficult position." "Now what if I end up renting the room to a rapist or serial killer?" "I told you over two months ago that I was not coming back." "And besides, I think Yale is pretty good about screening for rapists and serial killers." "There was no sense of finality in our last conversation." "There was a total sense of finality." "You can believe that if you want to, but if I end up on the front page of the Hartford courier btk'd to death, you'll know why." "Goodbye, Paris." "Hello?" "I will find you, no matter how long, no matter how far!" "I will find you!" "What the hell's going on here?" "Hey, Luke." "Hi." "I'm just doing my Daniel Day-Lewis retrospective for the guys." "You should see her rendition of "my left foot. "" "Yeah, I've seen it." "Thanks." "No, this time, I did it with my right foot." "Totally different." "I'll show you." "Pete, hand me the paintbrush." "That's okay." "I'm good." "You know, there's a bunch of open paint cans sitting out on the porch." "Yeah, they'll get to it." "We just didn't want the pizza to get cold." "Hey, check out this new trick we just taught Paul Anka." "Hey, Paul Anka, pizza!" "Pizza, pizza!" "Salad." "Good boy." "Good boy." "Oh, shoot, I'm out of treats." "Be right back." "You know those guys are here to work." "You don't have to put a USO show on." "I know." "I just want them to have a good time." "Half of them have seen you naked." "How much better a time can they have?" "He's jealous of my popularity time." "Sure." "I get that." "Tom, do other clients feed their construction crews breakfast and lunch and buy them pizza and beer?" "Nope." "Of course, the naked thing's been done to death." "All right, Tom, we're outie." "Anything you need to discuss before we go?" "No, we talked about everything but the kitchen." "What about the kitchen?" "Well, do we want to make it bigger?" "Why would we want to make it bigger?" "You might want a nice double oven or a sub-zero freezer." "There's room enough for an island and a cooking station with some stools around it for entertaining." "You know, for dinner parties." "Or maybe you want to cook a big holiday dinner" "Thanksgiving or Christmas." "The strange man is scaring me." "I think the kitchen's fine, Tom." "Okay, everybody can relax because your trusty contractor has returned." "Boy, what a trip." "Traffic was terrible." "It took me an entire day." "Here you go, Tom- the mystic hammer." "Thank you, T.J." "I got to tell you, I don't see what's so special about it." "It looks an awful lot like every other hammer we got lying around here." "Well, that's the beauty of the mystic hammer, T.J." "It looks the same, but it's completely different." "Tom, make sure those cans are cleaned up out there, okay?" "Oh, my god." "Enough with the paint cans, already." "I almost tripped over the cans." "Don't worry, Luke." "I'll take care of it." "Hey, did you guys know there was a room back here?" "Oh, yeah, look at this- a whole room!" "What a find, huh?" "Boy, if you knocked out this wall here, opened up this room, you would have a huge kitchen." "Yeah, we don't want a huge kitchen, T.J." "You could turn it into a weightroom or a workshop- or, hey, a pork-smoker room." "My uncle had a pork-smoker room- big sides of pork hanging all over the place." "We called it the dead-pig room." "T.J., why don't you go out there and tell the guys that they can go home." "It's not that big a job." "I could have it up and running for you in a week." "All I got to do is drive over to Boston for one of those special sledgehammers" "Tom was telling me about, get a pig, and in about 10 minutes" "Just leave the room alone, okay?" "Just- it's fine." "Leave it alone." "Let's go." "Is she Jewish or something?" "# I have to interrupt and stop this conversation #" "# You boys have crossed the line... #" "# I like to talk when I can show you my affection #" "# Oh, I can't control myself #" "# Oh, I can't control myself #" "# Oh, I can't control myself #" "# Talking on the telephone #" "# Thank god that wasn't me #" "# Oh #" "# Thank god that wasn't me #" "# Oh #" "# Thank god that wasn't me #" "Whoo!" "Massachusetts, we love you!" "We love you, man!" "We'd like to give some shout-outs before we go- first and foremost, to Pastor Tim." "Yeah!" "Pastor Tim!" "Thanks for letting us rock the gym here at Whitfield seventh day Adventist church." "Got into some very heavy talk with the Pastor about my soul and Ecclesiastes and stuff after sound check, and I got to say, if Christ comes back in fulfillment of prophecy, he's gonna be hooking up with you first, dude, 'cause you are awesome." "We would like to also thank the decoration committee for making the A.V. room look so cool." "I've played the whiskey before, man, and it's got a similar vibe." "It does." "But most important, we'd like to thank all of you for coming out to see us, and letting us into your homes, and making us feel welcome." "We got to go!" "We are going home, people!" "There are some t-shirts and stuff for sale on the table over there." "We are Zach, Gil, Brian, and Lane, and we are Hep Alien, and we are out of here!" "We were so on, man." "We were beyond on." "We were- ohh!" "Cool." "Watch it, Lane." "The pastor's still hanging." "We were as tight as the foo fighters." "Tighter." "Listen, if that pretentious snot in Coldplay can walk around comparing himself to Bono, we can compare ourselves to the Foo Fighters." "I'm exhausted but exhilarated." "I'm not gonna sleep for months." "Oh, cool." "There's people buying t-shirts." "We can get some food tonight." "Just leave money for gas." "We'll have money for gas, guys." "Don't worry." "Let's just drink this in- the last night of our first tour." "I can't believe it's over." "I can't believe we survived." "You got it, Pastor Tim." "We got to break it down, guys." "They want to start setting up for bible study tomorrow, and they need the stage for their big crucifix." "Okay, here we go." "Aah!" "What is that?" "And where can I get one?" "That is my dark chocolate s'mores wedding cake." "You've been reading my diary." "I got the idea in a dream." "I was back in cooking school and late for my final, and I run over to an oven, and I open it, and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake." "And I present it to my teacher, he starts weeping, and the whole class is applauding and cheering." "That's so nice." "Yeah." "And then of course Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake, screaming about how amazing it is." "So that made the thing a little creepy, but up until then..." "You've got a marshmallow bride and groom on the top!" " You think they'll like it?" " I do." "Think you'll like it?" "Look, captain Ahab" " Come on, set the date." " I will." "Is there something you're not telling me?" "Because agreeing to marry somebody is just as big a commitment as actually marrying them, so don't think it's not." "I am committed, and you should be." "Si this isn't a joking matter, missy." "I want your wedding to be perfect or I want nothing to do with it." "Oh really?" "Wow, that might be a problem." "'Cause I was hoping for one of those disastrous weddings where we lose both rings minutes before the ceremony and I get a nosebleed as I'm walking down the aisle." "Then later, at the reception, Luke is found in the coat-check room" "Jude Law-ing it with one of the bridesmaids." "I just received a call that the wedding party will not be getting in until midnight, and someone will need to be here to greet them." "I would do it, but I don't want to." "All right, I'll do it." "Very well." "I'll leave the" "Wait." "Do you feel that?" "Feel what?" "An icy chill as if something sinister is approaching." "What?" "Gee, Michel, is Paris here?" "Maybe she was coming up the walk when I fled." "Where are you going?" "In the opposite direction." "Paris?" "Paris is here?" "Oh!" "I get the humming now!" "What is she doing here?" "We're having lunch." "Really?" "Ordering pizza?" "No Sookie, I'm breaking up with her today, all right?" "I'm ending it, like I promised, so back off." "Grilled chicken and fries- that is all I'm making." "Thank you." "Apparently, the eagle has landed." "Paris, hi." "Good to see you." "You look good." "Something different?" "I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself at the service station." "That must be it." "Come on." "Let's sit." "Sorry I'm late, I was interviewing roommates." "All I can say is build an ark, 'cause it is seriously time for a flood." "Oh, well, you want some iced tea?" "I mean, forget the concept of intelligence or even the act of carrying on a conversation." "These people can't type a reference sheet." "They all have questionable morals, a complete distrust of soap products- in the glass, out of the glass." "It's all semantics to you, right?" "Oh well, I'm sure you'll find someone." "Just keep looking." "I guess." "Classes start next week, and things are already getting crazy." "Yeah." "Boy." "You sound really busy, Paris." "I am." "You know, I feel a little bad, dragging you all the way out here when you have so much on your plate." "I mean, talk about self-centered, huh?" "Think about someone else for a change, Lorelai." "Oh, that's okay." "You know, I'll be totally fine if you need to cut back on our lunches." "Cut back?" "Cut back, cut out- whatever y need." "It's fine with me" "You know, This all sucks." "I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for Rory." "She was supposed to room with me." "It was all planned out." "I called her yesterday and gave her one more chance to change her mind, but no." "You talked to Rory yesterday?" "I called her at the office." "Office?" "What office?" "Her office." "She has an office?" "What is she doing?" "I don't know- her job." "What job?" "Some job in an office with her grandmother." "Her grandmother does not have an office." "Well, that's where I called her." "This makes no sense to me at all." "What did it sound like?" "An office." "Yes, I know, an office." "Were there specific office sounds?" "I think I heard a fax machine." "A fax machine?" "Are you sure it was a fax machine?" "Pretty sure." "Were there people talking or traffic?" "Did you hear traffic?" "'Cause that could give us a location- the city, the county or... what?" "So that's what this is all about." " You're just using me to get to Rory." " Oh Paris." "You're pumping me full of espresso and pumping me for information." "No, that is not true." "I'm not pumping." "No pumping." "We're completely pump-free." "I'm so stupid." "I mean, why else would you want to have biweekly lunches with me?" "There are many, many reasons." "They will come to me just in a second." "I'm blind." "I walk blindly through life." "No." "Now, you're not blind." "I'll leave." "I'll go right now." "Oh, Paris, please." "I'm sorry." "You mentioned Rory, and a thing went off in my brain." "It's just a mother thing." "But I love our lunches." "I really do." "Please stay." "Are you sure?" "Because I" "Yes, I'm completely positive." "Everything's good." "Now, won't you sit down?" "How does chicken sound- okay?" "Okay." "Just not too dry." "Okay." "The service here sucks." "Very smooth, Mr. Hollister." "That was the Susy-q right into the shorty George." "I thought it looked familiar." "After this song, I'll take you for a twirl." "Oh, I hope I can keep up." "Watch those hands, Mr. Fink." "I'm on it." "You know, I can get this for you guys on CD." "Oh, now, come on." "It wasn't that funny." "Oh, my god." "Hey, stranger!" "And hello to you." "Watch those hands, miss Gilmore." "Touché, Mr. Fink." "What are you doing here?" "I was in Copenhagen this morning, and I remembered I have a mambo class." "I'm so glad you're back." "How was Europe?" "Same as it was last year." "What did you do?" "Long, embarrassing story." "I'll tell you later." "Okay." "Oh, wait." "Hold on." "Okay, everyone, it is time for cake and punch." "It's a 15-minute break, and then it's back to the dance floor." "You're Arthur Murray now?" "No, I don't have that much training." "Their dance teacher has an ear infection." "I'm just filling in." "My job is to make sure nobody falls down." "And what if somebody does?" "That's what the panic button is for." "So, when does this crazy rock 'n' roll party wrap up?" "Another 45 minutes, but if you get yourself some cake and punch, it'll only seem like 40." "I missed you." "That was my plan." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "I missed this." "Me too." "So you, Colin, and Finn didn't do a lot of cuddling in Europe?" "Nah, mostly just hand-holding." "So is there any official record of this trip, or was all evidence confiscated at the airport?" "I got pictures." "Yeah?" "Can I see?" "Hand me that." "Now, you realize if I show you mine, you have to show me yours." "You saw mine five minutes ago, mister." "Oh, I hate it when you work blue." "Okay." "Here's Colin sleeping on the train." "And here's Finn shoving carrot sticks up Colin's nose as Colin sleeps on the train." "Very mature." "We try." "This is Gloucestershire, England, where we attended the famous Gloucestershire cheese-rolling festival, a time-honored tradition where brave men such as myself climb to the top of a hill with a large wheel of cheese, then push it and run after it as it rolls all the way down." "Shut up." "Why would you commit that to film?" "That's me, that's Colin, that's Finn, and that is the cheese." "So if you beat your cheese to the bottom of the hill, are you disqualified, or do you win?" "There are no winners or losers in the Gloucestershire cheese-rolling festival." "There certainly aren't any winners." "Tell me about it." "Who's that?" "Oh, that's the love of Colin's life." "Colin fell in love?" "Yeah, he met her in Holland." "She doesn't speak a word of English, so she has no idea how incredibly annoying she finds him." "What's with the outfit?" "She's a milkmaid." " Stop." " She has cows." "She has pails." "Colin fell in love with a milkmaid?" "It's pretty serious, too." "He ditched us and followed her to Amsterdam, where they've been holed up ever since." "We haven't heard a word from him." "We assume he's gonna be back by the time" "By the time what?" "By the time the cows come home?" "What?" "By the time school starts?" "What?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "Logan, you can mention school to me." "I don't want to bum you out." "Logan, that is ridiculous." "I'm fine." "I mean, look" "Yale was a wonderful chapter in my life, but I've moved on." "I have my work." "I have my new pad." "I'm just really happy with where I am right now." "Really?" "Logan, you don't have to feel weird about this." "You go to Yale." "Your friends go to Yale." "How can we not talk about Yale?" " I don't know." " Exactly." "So we both agree that the topic of Yale can never be off-limits." "Okay, fine." "If you're so cool with it, then why don't you meet me at Yale tomorrow and I can show you my new apartment and maybe take you to lunch?" "I can't tomorrow, because I have my D.A.R. induction luncheon." "Well, then, how about breakfast?" "Breakfast sounds good." "I have to say, ace, I like the new digs." "Yeah, it's really nice, huh?" "You haven't even seen the bedroom yet." "Wow." "What?" "Okay, fine, but don't think that this is gonna work a second time." "Oh, no, Logan, I didn't mean" "No, I seriously meant that you hadn't seen the bedroom yet." "You're making me feel cheap, ace." "Logan!" "I swear, I wasn't working blue." "Come on, let's go!" "Martha's thirsty, guys." " I hate that he named the van." " I think it's cute." "Hey, you're not pumping premium, right?" "It's the cheap stuff, bro, don't worry." "Yeah, you said that before, and you pumped premium, and it meant no snack stop in Philadelphia." "Whoa ho ho!" "What, Gil?" "I was watching the numbers spin by on the gas pump dial thingy getting bigger and bigger, and I was thinking - what if that was counting all the people on the world who were, like, dying, you know, so it's all these dead dudes spinning by?" "Every day with him is like being on "meet the press. "" "I can't feel my legs." "Move around a little." "Your amp's on my foot." "Look, I'm no better off than you are, Brian." "My guitar case is jammed against my thigh." "I got a cymbal stand sticking in my pancreas." "Guys, we are an hour out of Stars Hollow." "Hang in there." "God, the smell of that gas is making me hungry." " Gil, hurry!" " I'm coming." "All right." "It's the last of the gas money, so this better get us home." "Everybody, lean forward." "Gil, where'd you put the map?" "It's- ugh." "You're okay to drive, right?" "Yeah, sure." "I'm just" "Dude, don't do that thing where you don't finish your sentences." "It freaks me out." "I'll try." "I'm just- ugh." "Come on." "I guess I'm just weak from hunger." "The guy I got gas from" "I was talking to him, and he suddenly turned into a giant turkey leg." "Please don't mention food." "Let's think good thoughts, guys." "Picture yourself at home, okay?" "Home at last." "What's the first thing you're gonna do?" "Eat." "Wash my hair, hug the kids, set them up in front of a "Harry Potter" movie, and then do my wife for, like, an hour." "Uh, look, guys, I've got an announcement kind of in my capacity as band manager, and I think it's gonna cheer you up- a lot." "What?" "Well, as you know, each gig paid us a little something, and we stayed free at people's houses along the way, and we sold a decent amount of t-shirts, so, besides food, which we consumed in moderation, there were days that we spent practically nothing." "Yeah?" "Well, I wanted us to come out of this tour with something, so I figured the best way to motivate us to save would be to fib a little on how much we had." "You fibbed a little?" "Actually, a lot, but it paid off big, guys, because we're going home with over $9,000." "Huh?" "$9,000" " American dollars." "Why aren't you guys jumping up and down?" "Besides the fact that my spinal cord severed somewhere on the 95?" "And that we haven't eaten a full meal in over two months?" "I thought we were broke." "See?" "See how it worked?" "And now we're reaping the rewards." "Lane, we were starving." "We scrimped on everything." "I stopped brushing my teeth because I couldn't buy toothpaste." "I've been washing my hair with bar soap." "But think about what we can do with the money." "We can record- make a CD." "Nirvana made "Bleach" for $600." "Even factoring in inflation, if we're on our game, we could make "Bleach" 10 times over." "Our own "Bleach. "" "It would be very cool to record." "Very cool." "I think..." "Dude, come on." "You got to finish that sentence." "I can't talk and drive." "Then just drive, Gil." "30 miles- 30 miles to home." "Are you talking about how pretty I am again?" "Get a new subject, boys." "What are you doing home?" "Well, I have to be at the Inn late, so I thought I'd come and feed Paul Anka, take him for a little walk, work out our crosswalk issues." " Well, Tom here" " It's not my fault." "I wasn't gonna say it was your fault." "You've got "it's Tom's fault" tone in your voice." "He's got to shut your water off for a couple of days." "We hit a pipe that shouldn't been hit." "Tom!" "See how the "it's Tom's fault" tone has spread?" "You can stay with me." "Okay, I got to get back to work." "That wedding party's coming in tonight." "I'll gather up some of your stuff." "The last time you gathered up some of my stuff, you accidentally brought me four bras and no pants." "That could have been intentional." "I will get my own stuff, thank you." "Now I have to figure out what to do with Paul Anka." "You know, I've never left him alone so late before, and he might start doing that howling thing the neighbors are so fond of, but- well, that's okay." "So... you know, I guess I could just leave him here and I can come back and get him after work, which will be 3:00, 4:00 in the morning." "Boy." "Late." "Or I could drop him off at a kennel for a few hours." "There's a good one in Woodbridge, 20 miles away." "Of course, I'd have to leave now and pick up some dilithium crystals on the way to fix the warp drive in my jeep so that I could drive there and back in time to meet the wedding party back at the Inn, but that's doable." "Yeah... and then, of course, by the time I get off work and drive all the way back there, the kennel will be closed, so I'd have to break in, and that would set off some security system, and then I'd be arrested." "So I should probably put a nailfile on my shoe." "And how much longer are you gonna make me do this?" "I just wanted to see how long you'd go on." "Well you know my babbling capabilities are infinite." "I'll take the dog home with me." "And points for the dilithium-crystal reference." "Well, when you sleep with geeks..." "Hey." "I just talked to my buddy Tony Benzino, who's a contractor over in Hartford." "And he says contractors don't fetch lunches for the crew." "They do, however, get to answer the phone, and they do get to sign for things and order things." "And Tom, there is no such thing as a mystic hammer." "And after this very enlightening conversation, you know what I'm starting to think?" "What?" "I'm starting to think that I'm not really the contractor on this job." "Look, T.J." "It's okay, Luke." "I got this." "T.J., we did this for your own good." "We got you out of the house." "You got paid." "You didn't get hurt." "Look at it that way." "Oh, yeah?" "Is that the way I'm supposed to look at it?" "Well, fine!" "You can keep your stupid phony contracting job." "I'm through playing your patsy." "I'm through running your errands." "Hold on." "That's no mayo." "Here, Ed." "I'm done." "I quit." "You can all kiss any part of me that reachers your general vicinity first." "You have seen the last of me." "So arrivederci, Roma!" "And to repay you all for this lousy trick that you played on me, you can all reach in here and grab your own damn condiments." "That's dinner!" "Hit me." "That's your fourth milkshake, T.J." "It doesn't matter, Luke." "It's not like I got anywhere to go tomorrow." "So, you're not a contractor." "Who cares?" "Neither am I. You don't see me crying about it." "I'm not crying about it... anymore." "It's not your thing." "Yeah, not my thing." "I don't have a thing." "I have nothing." "You've got Liz, you've got your health." "I've got no dream." "I've got no future." "What are you talking about, you got no future?" "Did you or did you not build these shelves?" "I did." "Those are great shelves, T.J." "Stop it." "They are." "There's real craftsmanship that went into those- well made, you got some nice carved detail." "That's a quality piece of merchandise, and you made it." "Yeah." "So?" "So you should be proud of that." "Not everybody can do that." "So you're not a contractor." "You're a craftsman!" "Wow." "I'm a craftsman..." "like Jesus." "He built stuff for a while." "You're exactly like Jesus." "That was my point." "Yeah." "What am I getting so mopey about?" "I mean, I build shelves." "I'm a craftsman who builds shelves, like Jesus." "And plus my day rate has just gone way up." "Yeah but T.J., that was a contractor's rate you were being paid, not a shelfmaker's rate." "Yeah, but I wasn't really the contractor." "I know, but that was" " Have a good night, T.J." "Hey, just lying there- what a surprise." "Make sure you grind that smelly butt into the rug good - get that aroma really locked in those fibers." "Oh, man." "Wow, you are fun to have around." "Oh, no." "Oh, crap." "Oh, god." "Tell me you didn't." "There we go." "Oh, jeez." "Come on!" "Hey!" "Wake up!" "I got a dog out here!" "Can I help you?" "The dog ate chocolate." "I don't know a lot about dogs, but I do know they shouldn't eat chocolate." "I went to the animal hospital, and they were closed." "Then I called Babette and she told me where you lived." "And you got to do something." "Because this is not my dog." "This is my fiancé's dog." "She loves him." "She named him "Paul Anka," which may on the surface not seem like a sign of love, but if you knew her, you'd get it." "Believe me, there's a lot of ways I could screw up the relationship, but I cannot lose her over the fact I killed her dog." "I'll get the ipecac." "Come on in." "So, I tell the guy, "hey, there is no way all these potatoes could have been peeled if I had waltzed in here at 12:00."" "He simply refused to believe me or credit me with the hours, so finally I just said," ""you know what?" "There is another soup kitchen down on Hadley, and they serve more vegetables than you do, so I would rather work there anyhow. "" "And I turned in my apron, and I walked out." "Wow." "Rough world, the world of community service." "Oh, you don't know the half of it." "I've done 125 hours, so I've got 175 to go, which is a little off my goal, but not by much, so I can deal." "I've got the candy-striper thing starting next week." "I didn't really want that, but I had to take it." "Because I was supposed to get on the zoo beat, which would have been gross but great." "They'll let you do a double shift." "But they're always full." " Weird, huh?" " Very weird." "I'm boring you." "Far from it." "I just have to go." "I have to meet with my faculty adviser and convince her that this is the year I'm finally gonna make something of myself." "Well, don't tell her about the cheese-rolling incident." "She'll never believe you." "You want a walk back to your car?" "No, I think I can make it by myself." " Okay." " Okay." " I'll call you later?" " Okay." "Hey." "Hey." "Sorry." "I didn't mean to wake you." "Go back to sleep." "No, it's okay." "I like to watch you hydrate." "Oh, man." "When did you get home?" "I didn't hear you come in." "You were conked out pretty good" " Oh yeah." " Both of you." "Yeah." "How did it go with Paul Anka last night?" "Well, first off, he ate 3 pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate, so I had to rush him to the vet- to his house because the animal hospital was closed- and he forced some sort of vomit-inducing medicine down Paul Anka's throat," "and then Paul Anka proceeded to throw up for the next hour and a half." "and after that, I sat with him for another three hours, holding a bowl of water under his nose to make sure that he was rehydrating properly, and then I chocolate-proofed the apartment and the diner to make sure that never happens again." "And now I'm gonna go downstairs and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs because the vet said that the kibble is gonna be a little hard on his stomach for a couple of days." "Does he have any particular fear of cheddar?" "'Cause I thought I'd throw that in to make it taste better." "Luke?" "Yeah?" "I don't want to set a wedding date until things are right with Rory." "Okay." "So, the cheddar is..." "Okay." "The dining-hall hours are cast in stone." "You snooze, you lose." "And your school-issued I.D.s are your new best friends." "Become inseparable." "You'll be asked for it constantly." "So give it a nickname and learn to commit." "It operates the laundry room." "It is your meal card." "Every new student at Yale will learn the value of the I.D." "Every new member of the D.A.R. will feel instantly the sense of camaraderie that has become synonymous with the D.A.R." "As certified members of the Hartford chapter of the daughters of the American revolution, you will hold a very special and esteemed place in this community." "But with that great esteem comes great responsibility- to your chapter, to your town, and to your nation." "This is a proud moment for me as I, your president, welcome the new members of the daughters of the American revolution."