"Okay, we've exchanged make-up gifts for lashing out at each other, but the most important thing is to also verbally apologize." "Especially when we tried to blind somebody with perfume." "Sorry, Nolan." "It's okay." "My eyeballs never smelt better." "Changed someone's ringtone to Smack My Bitch Up." "I'm sorry, Ed." "Tried to put someone on the No-Fly List." "Sorry about that, Lacey." "If that is your real name." "FYI, I'm already on the No-Fly List." "Do not try to steal drinks from flight attendants 'cause those hos are located here, here, and here." "And referred to someone as..." ""A giant piece of crap walking around in a bag of human skin."" "Sorry, me." "It's okay, me." "Oh, hey, everybody." "Sorry, Charlie." "I didn't realize you were in group." " I don't wanna interrupt." " It's okay, Dad." "Are you gonna pick up some grapefruit later?" "I was really in the mood for grapefruit this morning." "Yeah, sorry, Dad." "I was busy, but I'll make sure I get everything on your list when I go to the store later." "And don't forget the pudding." "How could I?" "It was on your list twice underlined with stars and arrows." "I like pudding." "Is that what that meant?" "See you later, Dad." "And make sure you get the eight-pack." "The four-pack's a joke." "Oh, my God." "I'm sorry." "I didn't wanna interrupt." " No problem, but you did." " Didn't mean to." "But continue to." "So, is your father living here now?" "No, it just seems that way because he showed up last week and now he won't go home." "Said something about a problem with his plumbing." "Maybe it's his building." "Or maybe it's him with all that grapefruit and pudding." "All right, let's get back to the session." "I have a question." "Nolan, you didn't do anything to me." "Why did you give me a teddy bear?" "I just saw it and I thought it could keep you company, you know, and if you're happy you can kiss it and if you're sad you can just hold it to your bosom." "That is so sweet." "Is that a camera, Nolan?" "What?" "A camera?" "That guy ripped me off!" "What a bad man!" "Just once, I'd like a bear without a camera." "Nolan, you really gotta examine this obsession you have with Lacey." "Once again, you're attracted to someone who treats you badly and validates your low self-esteem." "Really?" "'Cause I..." "Shut your loser hole." "He's trying to help you." "Can I interject something?" "See, I think the first step to feeling better about yourself is looking better." "I mean, you could start by just making a couple of changes." "For example, just..." "All of this and just all of this." "Patrick, getting self-esteem is not as easy as a change of clothes." "It takes hard work and it's a gradual process." "Well, as a personal shopper, I see clothes transform people every day." "It's like therapy, except that it's faster and no one wears black shoes and white socks." "Ed." "Patrick, there's no reason to praise one profession at the expense of another." "Even if one of those professions is selling clothes made by five-year-old, crying, Chinese girls." "I wanna try to look good." "Will you help me, Patrick?" "Well, I don't wanna get in the way of the glacial progress you're making here, but, yeah, sure." "Let's give it a try." "Did I mention that sometimes they shoot the girls for crying too hard?" "Sorry." "Dad, can I see you for a second?" "It's about Grandpa." "Excuse me a second, guys." "I know you're just the messenger, but if this is anything about grapefruit or pudding, I swear to God..." "I just want you to see something." "I don't know if we should be worried about Grandpa or not, but I found this." "Why would Grandpa put his shoes in the refrigerator?" "Is he okay?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "He's fine." "Are you sure?" "Yeah..." "Yeah, it's an old Irish tradition." "When you go to someone's house, you put your shoes in their fridge as a sign of respect." "Don't you feel respected?" "So, why don't we complete the tradition by taking these shoes back up to Grandpa's room and pretending like this never happened?" "In all my 65 years, I have never been this happy." "I thought you were 72." "The whole thing was a lie." "You think I've never been this happy?" "Yeah." " Don't you wanna answer that?" " Nah, just someone calling to wish me a happy birthday and make another stupid over-the-hill joke." ""What was it like to live when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth?"" "It was like, mind your own damn business, buster." " People are so rude." " Yeah." "But seriously, what was it like?" "You know, a lot of times the dinosaurs would kill the youngest member of the family for being a smart aleck." "Sam, take your grandpa and go watch that DVD we got him." "I'll bring in the cake and ice cream." "Great." "Can't wait to see Grumpy Old Men again." "Hope nobody cut their hand digging through the bargain bin by the check-out counter." "Nice to know I'm worth a buck 99." "So, Sam told me that Martin put his shoes in the fridge." "That doesn't sound good." "Is he okay?" "He had a senior moment." "You're always blowing stuff out of proportion." "People forget things." "Yeah, I guess." "When you were on the road playing baseball you used to forget we were married." "All right, you got me." "We're even now." "Guess we don't have to talk about that anymore." "Hey, excuse me." "I gotta hit the john before we start the film." "Charlie, what are we animals?" "You should put a door on this thing." "Dad, Dad, Dad." "Stop, stop." "It's not a bathroom." "It's not a bathroom." "What?" "Oh, man." "I am really sorry." "I guess I got a little distracted." "You Okay?" "Yeah, I'm just really embarrassed and I still have to go to the bathroom." "There's one upstairs, right?" "Yeah, it's the room without the beds." "Charlie, you've really gotta take your dad to the doctor." "Could be something serious like Alzheimer's." "Alzheimer's?" "No, it's probably just another one of his tricks." "Maybe he wants something." "Maybe he wants to move in with me." "You're right." "Maybe nobody has Alzheimer's and one out of five old people just wanna live with you." "All right, fine." "I'll take him to the doctor, but I'm telling you, Jen, he just wants someone to wait on him hand and foot like his ex-wife used to." "You really think he'd go that far?" "He'd pee in your pantry just to fool you?" "He's from a generation of people who still knew the value of hard work and commitment." "There are those who look at a toilet and say, "Why?"" "He looks at a pantry and says, "Why not?"" "I really appreciate you doing this for me, Patrick." "I hope I don't let you down." "Are you kidding me?" "You're every stylist's dream." "You're a blank slate with no style whatsoever." "Thank you." "All right, let's find out who is in there." "Give me one word to describe yourself." "Nolan." "All right, you're gonna have to go a little bit deeper." "Nolan." "You know what, I have a pretty good sense of who you are, so let's just see what we can do to cover that up." "Sounds good." "There." "Now that is the kind of shirt that commands respect." "Wow." "I respect it already." "Here." "Put this on." "Oh, my..." "Look at you." "You already look like a different man." "Oh, my God. lam." "I look like Ryan Gosling." "His assistant." "You sure do." "See, when you look better, you actually feel better about yourself." "You're right." "I do feel better." "If I met myself in a bar, I'd talk to me." "All we need to do is add this for just a splash of color." "I should have told you." "I don't like ties." "No, I know it's a little formal, but now instead of looking like a guy who sells weed in an alley, you'll look like the guy in charge of a guy who sells weed in an alley." "I don't care." "Get it off of me, get it off of me." "Would you just hold still?" "God, it's like Tarzan's first day in the city." "It's a tie." "It's not gonna hurt you." "I can't breathe!" "I can't breathe!" "Well, now that we have learned something about you, here's something about me." "I am very uncomfortable when people cry." "Well, that is the last time I ever open up to you." " Yo." " Hi." "So, how'd it go at the doctor's?" "Is your dad faking it or does he really have the 'helmer's?" "The 'helmer's?" "Real sensitive." "How's your mom's 'kemia?" "Oh, it's in remish." "Look, it helps me to deal with the heavy stuff by just giving it a little nickname." "That's how I function." "I learned that from a Jewish friend who lost his grandparents in the 'Caust." "You even have a nickname for the Holocaust?" "No, he lost 'em at Costco." "They wandered off." "They had the 'helmer's." "So, how's your dad?" "Well, we took him to the doctor." "He didn't do so well on the cognitive stuff." "That doesn't prove anything." "Tests are inconclusive." "So there's no way to know for sure?" "Not until they do an autopsy." "I tried to schedule one for tomorrow, but, you know... "Rules."" " So what's the next step?" " I don't know, but my gut tells me he's faking it." "Maybe he tanked the tests on purpose." "Well, What if he didn't?" "What kind of son are you if it turns out he's really sick?" "The kind that will spend the rest of my life wracked with guilt." "I can't wait to find out." "I need to know if he's faking it now." "Good luck with that." "You're gonna have to watch the guy all day to know for sure." "That's why I'm gonna use this teddy spy cam." "One of my patients left it behind." "Yeah, I got one of those at home." "I thought my housekeeper was stealing from me." " Is this the hot one?" " Oh, yeah." "So was she stealing from you?" "Not enough to let her go." "It's always an ethical dilemma when the hot turn to crime." "They belong in jail, but they're so hot." "It's a good thing they didn't have hidden cameras like this when I was younger." "I'm sure my parents would have used it to catch me doing something wrong." "You guys had some trust issues?" "Yeah, and it only got worse when they found out I was sleeping with a college professor." "You slept with a professor while you were in college?" "No!" "I would never do that." "I was in high school." "You are an endless wellspring of wow." "Thank you." "Can we go now?" "We've been watching your father for an hour and a half." "All he's done is eat some pudding, do a crossword puzzle, eat some more pudding." "This could take days." "No, no, no." "This is all proving my point." "When I'm home it's all peeing in the pantry and shoes in the fridge, but look at him right now." "He's as normal as you and me." "Well, me." "I didn't have sex with college professors until I was in college." "But you're not gonna see anything." "Yes, I am." "I'll see enough to prove that my father's a big, fat liar." "He hasn't done one thing out of the ordinary." "He's using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control." "No, he's not." "He's..." "Using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control." "Oh, my God." "He's got the 'helmer's." "Too easy." "Hey, Dad." " Hey." " How you doing?" "I'm okay, but I think you need to get a refund on this subscription, though." "They printed the whole magazine upside down." "Hold on." "I think I have an extra copy." "Oh, thank you, son." " Mind if I have a beer with you?" " Not at all." "Please, join me." "Listen, I've been thinking." "We should talk about you coming to live with me." "Permanently." "Oh, no, no, no." "I couldn't do that, son." "I mean, it's great fun living here, but I have to get back to my own place." "I'm sorry, Dad, but it's just much safer if you're here, so I can keep an eye on you." "What happened?" "Is it the results from those tests?" "That doesn't mean anything." "No, no." "You're sharp as ever." "Just to be on the safe side, I'm gonna go to your apartment and bring all your stuff back here." "No, no, no." "You can't do that." "No, I'll never give up my independence." "By God, I fought in the war." "Incoming!" "Take cover!" "Take cover, son!" "We gotta get outta here." "All right, ceasefire." "At ease, Dad, at ease, at ease." "Come on, come on." "It's okay." "It's okay." "It's all right, come on." "Oh, my." "I'm so sorry." "I get scared sometimes, son." "It's okay." "Why don't you sit down and let me fix you a club sandwich?" "With extra bacon?" " Sure, Dad." "Extra bacon." " Yeah, because, you know, I think I remember I like it crispy." "Oh, hey." "Sorry, I always fall asleep after a panic attack." "Sucks when it happens in a supermarket or a bank." "Well, I don't really know what to do now." "I guess I should ask you if you wanna talk about it." " I can't, it's too painful." " Oh, thank God." "I have packed you a to-go box, so I will see you in group." " I guess it all started with my dad." " Oh, crap." "He was an ex-marine from Texas." "Scary man." "There was a seventh grade dance and I didn't wanna go 'cause I was kinda awkward back then." "You?" "No." "And my dad said that I had to go to the dance and meet girls." "So I hid under the bed and he pulled me out by my tie and dragged me by my neck all the way to the dance." "Oh, my God." "That's awful." "It's like some sort of reverse Footloose." "And to this day, I can't wear a tie." "I feel like I'm choking." "No, no, no." "Don't do that." "We've done that already." "Just tell me what I can do to make it better." "A hug would help." "Yeah, so just let me know if you think of anything." "I'd like a hug, Patrick." "I'm sorry." "I don't do comfort." "It's my issue." "I've just never been really good around other people's pain." "But I'm working on it, though." "Okay, I understand." "I think I could drive home now." "Great." "So..." "Feel better." "Thanks." "No one has ever listened to me without being paid before." "Okeydokey" "Okay, that's enough." "Stay with it." "You're doing great." "Ride it out, big guy." "You brought this on yourself, Nolan." "Didn't your father have a whole collection of watches?" "I can't find them anywhere." "Check the microwave?" "Like there's room in there with all his socks." "Hello?" "We know you're in there, Martin." "We can hear you." "Get your ass out here, you coward!" "Wow." "Don't stiff the Girl Scouts for cookies in this neighborhood." "45 years ago." "You must be the girls from troop one." " Who the hell are you?" " It's obviously his son." "Look at him." "He's got Martin's face." "Maybe that's why I wanna punch it." " And to what do I owe this pleasure?" " We need to see your father." "Martin, get out here!" "Whoa, slow down." "What is going on?" "This young man's father was having a relationship with me." "While we were waltzing in the sheets down the hall." "Hold on, hold on." "Are you telling me that my dad, Martin, the patron saint of monogamy, was cheating with two women?" "Oh, my gosh." "You make total sense now, Charlie." "Cheating is genetic." "He's been avoiding us ever since we found out about each other." "We confronted him and he ran." "We would have caught him, but he went up some stairs." "So you were the ones that were calling all the time." "He's such a liar." "He actually told us he couldn't be responsible for his actions" "'cause he had Alzheimer's." " Geez, geez." "Wow." "How stupid would someone have to be to believe a load of crap like that?" "He's your dad, Charlie." "You wanted to believe him." "I wanna confront him, but it might be too late." "I hear he's getting pushed out of his son's window later this afternoon." "Hey, Dad." "How was your day?" "Oh, not so good, son." "I couldn't even find the laundry room today." "If a man can't do his own laundry, what's left of him?" "I guess, I'll just have to swallow my pride and let you do that for me, too." "Damn this disease." "Dad, sit down." "I gotta talk to you." "You mean over there on the sailboat?" " Yes, on the sailboat." " All right." "That's the rowboat." "Sorry." "Listen, I got some bad news and I know that it's gonna be hard to hear." "The results from your blood work came back and they found some kind of a rare bone disease." " What?" " I know," "I know." "I couldn't believe it either, but there is something they can do." "It's a marrow procedure that's extremely painful and takes a very, very, very long time." "Oh, my God." "But here's the good news." "There is one day a week where you're not strapped down to the machine, but you spend most of that day in the bathroom." "So you found out about Elaine and Barbara, huh?" "And you found out about the teddy cam." "I saw it in a SkyMall magazine." "Anyone who's ever gotten on a plane without any reading material could've figured that one out." "Dad, I gotta tell you." "What you did was disgusting." "Oh, come on." "Barb's not that bad and Elaine's got DirecTV." "I'm talking about faking Alzheimer's." "Why didn't you just tell me you needed a place to hide out?" "Oh, Charlie." "I've always ridden you so hard for being a womanizer," "I didn't wanna give you the impression that I was, you know, a..." " Hypocrite?" " Hey, just because you say one thing and do another, doesn't make you a hypocrite." "Can we continue this conversation upstairs near a window?" "Look, I never meant for this to happen." "Believe me." "I had real feelings for both of them and I just couldn't choose." "See, Barbara's a diabetic and Elaine's got melanoma, so I was kinda hoping God would choose for me." "Well, he didn't." "So now you gotta go back there and deal with them." "Oh, no." "After what I've done, they're both so angry." "I just don't know if I can handle it." "You won't have to do it alone." "Luckily, your son is an anger management therapist." " I'll even mediate." " You'd really do that for me?" "I remember a dad who was always there when his kid got in a jam." "Mr. Kellerman down the street." "Yeah, I'm gonna do this for him." "Oh, Charlie." "They're gonna kill me." "Dad, don't worry." "Sure, they're gonna wanna yell at you and humiliate you and maybe even throw some stuff, but none of that will happen as long as I'm here." "Barb." "Elaine." "He's all yours." "Oh, no, Charlie." "No, no, wait a minute." "I have to..." "Charlie!"