"[cheers and applause]" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the host of last coming standing, five-time olympic bronze medalist," "Craig Robinson." "[Cheers and applause]" "What's up?" "Whoo!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Welcome, everybody." "Tonight the competition gets uglier." "At long last, the top ten will take the stage for your votes, American people." "You, yes, you at home with the shower cap and black and white flat-screen tv, you will inexplicably have the power to decide whose dreams will live and whose dreams will be crushed into a fine powder of misery." "[Cheers and applause]" "Now help me welcome our ten finalists." "[Cheers and applause]" "Felipe esparza." "Rachel feinstein." "Tommy johnagin." "Mike destefano." "Roy wood Jr." "Jonathan thymius." "Maronzio vance." "Laurie kilmartin." "Myq kaplan." "And James adomian." "[Cheers and applause]" "In just a moment, they'll fight, via the use of jokes, to stay in the running for $1/4 million, and a spot on the national last comic tour, and the title of last comic standing." "[Cheers and applause]" "Now are you ready to get this thing started?" "[Cheers and applause]" "There has been many times in the past where I'm like," ""I should just quit."" "I've been kicked in the teeth so many times." "These aren't real." "Now I could go all the way to number one, or I could be number ten." "So I just wanna have fun while I'm here." "[Cheers and applause]" "Give it up for Laurie kilmartin!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Right." "Thank you very much." "Oh, my gosh, you guys are-- you guys are wonderful." "I'm sort of in a weird situation right now." "My ex-boyfriend wants to get back together with me." "[Cheers and boos]" "Well, in order to do that I have to forgive him for cheating on me." "[Cheers and boos] That's what I thought, yeah." "No, I don't think I can do it." "I'm not the forgiving kind." "I like revenge." "[Cheers and applause] Yeah." "I'm kinda old testament that way." "You know, here's how I found out." "I found emails from the other woman." "And the worst thing about this affair was not that she was younger than me." "It's that she's a bad speller." "I was like, "how can you sleep with someone who thinks there's an 'a' in 'tomorrow'?"" "Every email ended," ""I'll see you 'tomarrow.'"" "I was so mad I fired off an email to her written in a way that she could understand." ""Feck off, you miserable batch."" "[Laughter]" "I really can't even be dating right now." "I have a three-year-old son." "I need to raise him right." "Yeah." "I can't bring weird guys into my life." "[Cheers and applause] Yeah, thank you." "Ha, thank you for your support." "I just want my son to be a gentleman, you know?" "I want him to treat women with dignity and treat women with respect." "Basically, I want my son to be gay." "[Laughter]" "He follows me around all the time." "He's at that age where I don't have any privacy." "You know, they say prison robs a person of their dignity." "So does having a three-year-old watch you on the toilet." ""What are you doing, mom?"" ""Giving up." "Can you hand me some toilet paper?"" "Not only am I losing my privacy," "I'm losing my mind." "He likes me to read the same book to him over and over again until I want to kill myself." "Couple nights ago, we read the little engine that could six times." "And the last time we read it," "I changed the ending of the story just for my own sanity." "I got the engine up the hill, and then it derailed, slid down the mountainside, killing 40 people, including a "batch."" "That's it for me." "Thank you very much." "Good night." "[Cheers and applause]" "All right, that was Laurie kilmartin." "Well done." "Show your love for Laurie by calling..." "That's..." "Voting lines will be open for two hours at the end of the show." "Calls are toll-free from landlines." "If you want to mail in your vote, you're a loser." "Let's hear it for Laurie kilmartin." "[Cheers and applause]" "Okay, more of our top ten when we come back." "[Cheers and applause]" "[Cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to last comic standing." "Tonight, the top ten are performing for your votes, America." "That's right, it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, or if you havehehe I.Q. Of a dead squirrel." "You get to decide who's funny." "Speaking of funny, let's get back to the finalists." "Being in the final in last comic standing is probably the biggest thing to ever happen to my career." "It's nerve-racking." "The stakes are really high right now." "I don't stst wanna be funny." "I wanna be the best." "Forget about Pedro." "Vote for Felipe." "Allow me to re-introduce you to Felipe esparza!" "[Cheers and applause]" "So how you guys doing tonight?" "Good." "All right." "[Laughter and cheers]" "You ever go home after a night of partying and reflect on your life?" "Just lay there and think, damn, I haven't done anything." "[Laughter]" "But then you hit your brother in the bunk bed." ""But you're the loser up there!" "Man, you got your wife up there."" "[Laughter]" "Let me tell you, man, when you're in the back of the police car for the first time, you try to be the cop's friend." ""Hey, officer, how you doing, sir?" "Thanyoyou for opening the back door for me."" "[Laughter]" ""I used to want to be a cop, sir." "This is my third ride-along."" "[Laughter and cheering]" "I just got my bachelor's degree in communications." "[Cheers and applause]" "And thanks to my girlfriend's new scanner, tomorrow I get my master's." "[Laughter and applause]" "I'm just kidding." "I just got my g.E.D." "With a g.E.D., there's no graduation." "My graduation picture is the mailman handing my g.E.D." "[Laughter and applause]" "The war in Iraq is still going on." "The british are helping." "Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there." "[Laughter and cheering]" "You know, I was partying in Mexico." "Crossing the border, I.N.S. Checks our vehicle to make sure we don't bring nothing illegal inside." "Mexico checks our cars." "What are they checking for?" "What don'thehey want in Mexico?" "Progress?" "[Laughter]" "Oh, I got stretch marks." "I never had a baby." "So now when I take off my shirt in front of women," "I tell them that I was attacked by a mountain lion." ""You shoulda seen this cat."" "[Hissing]" "She took off her clothes." "I said, "man, we better find these cats."" "Thank you very much." "[Cheers and applause]" "Felipe esparza." "Now if you want Felipe to continue in the competition, you have to call..." "Once again, that's..." "Voting lines open at the end of the show." "Please vote for your favorite comic while you're still alive." "Votes from the dead do not count." "One more time for Felipe esparza!" "[Cheers and applause]" "My goal with last comic this time is the same as the first two times I auditioned-- to win it all." "Fell short in Atlanta in '02." "Fell short in San Antonio in '07." "This time I'm here to go all the way." "Hopefully third time's a charm." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for our next comic," "Roy wood Jr." "[Cheers and applause]" "I got punched in the face at a sports bar, which completely threw me off, 'cause, you know, like, it never happened in the commercial." "I never saw that in the commercial." "It was a complete surprise." "I'm sitting at the tlele, I'm eating my food, this college football fan co o over to me." "This dude gets in my face, he goes," ""hey, buddy, 'round here, we don't like the Florida gators."" "I tried to ignore him." "He gets in my face." "This dude is, like, right here, all up in my civil rights." "This dude is, like, right here." "He goes, "did you hear what I said, buddy?" "I said 'round here we don't like the Florida gators."" "He punches me off the stool." "I'm like, "dude, I'm not a gatofafan."" ""Yes, you are, you've got that little gator right there on your jacket."" ""This is izod lacoste, dummy." "This is clothing." ""This is their logo." ""What kinda dummy are you?" ""What are you gonna do, sl somebody for weari c crocs?" "Caca t the hell down, n.""" "But th's h how meme srts fansnsrere they just keke it o o r.R. Eyeyovove eieir teams." "Theyove their r hletes." "I was atat aar o o night, immimi highligigs cacamen the e g scscen." "Some dude jumped up, he goes," ""swimming is the number one sport in America!"" "Really?" "In America?" "Really?" "I'm not saying that swimming isn't fun." "But you're gonna tell me that swimming is more popular than basketball or football?" "I've never raced home to my computer just to check my fantasy swim league stats." "I've never done that." "Never been sitting up, getting drunk with my boys, watching Monday night swimming." "I ain't never had that happen." "I'm not saying that swimming isn't fun, but you're gonna need more than Michael Phelps to boost the ratings." "You wanna make swimming fun to watch?" "Put a gator in the pool, how 'bout that?" "[Laughter and applause]" "You know who I'm rooting for." "I got kicked out of a career day." "All I did was tell the truth." "Remember career day when you were young, a bunch of people come and lie to you?" ""You can be whatever you want to be." ""Just work hard and eat vegetables," ""and all your dreams magically fall out of the sky." "Chocolate-covered dreams."" "I'm in my 30s now." "I know that's a lie." "I went to career day, I told 'em the truth." ""Look, only two or three of you gonna make it." "That's just being real."" "You know, that's the truth." "Everybody can't be rich and famous." "We need failures." "Somebody has to make the hamburgers, and that's what people need to understand." "Like, we need failures in America." "They provide chicken nuggets and lap dances." "I like both of them." "Those are important services that we all love." "Yeah." "And that's all I wanted to tell everybody, but they kicked me out 'cause apparently that's the wrong message for a room full of first graders." "Whatever." "I'm Roy." "Thank y'all a lot." "[Cheers and applause]" "That was Roy wood Jr., America." "If you liked what you just saw, the number to call for Roy is..." "That's..." "Voting lines will open at the end of the show." "And remember, these toll-free numbers are 8-7-7, so please dial carefully." "One more time for Roy wood Jr." "[Cheers and applause]" "Stay right there." "The laughter will continue when we return." "And while we're on break," "I'm gonna shoot another movie." "[Cheers and applause]" "[Cheers and applause]" "Ho ho ho!" "Welcome back!" "It's Christmas come early, folks." "Tonight we're giving you the gift of laughter." "[Laughter]" "It feels good to be recognized for what I do, to be in, I guess, an elite group of ten people, and an opportunity to introduce myself to America." "To win last comic standing would be a blessing." "That way I could pay off a lot of debt." "Put your hands together for maronzio vance!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Yes, yes, yes." "What's up, everybody?" "How y'all doing?" "[Cheering]" "Always wanted to be a superhero, but I couldn't afford to be a superhero." "I'm a huge Batman fan." "I just couldn't afford to go out and buy a cape, and a suit, and a lab, and a car, and helicopter, and bike, and a signal, and pay for the worker's permit for the kid." "It's a lot of stuff that goes-- but I always wanted to be a superhero." "And I was thinking, what kind of superhero could I be right now that economically friendly for everybody?" "And I thought to myself," "I would be pay attention man." "And this is pay attention man's powers." "Like, I can't-- I don't have no signal." "You just gotta hope I show up when you need me." "And say you at a light and somebody's in front of you on their phone, I would just come outta nowhere and knock on their door and say," ""hey, pay attention." "You see that light is green."" "[Laughter and applause]" "I have a sidekick called "didn't he tell you."" "[Laughter]" "That's not a real superpower." "I do have the ability to have people call me an ass a lot." "I don't think that's a-- nah, I get called an ass a lot." "And I don't think I'm an ass." "I just think I have the ability to show other people that they're an ass, and in return I'm an ass." "I can live with that." "Prime example, I know I'm not an ass." "Tell me if I'm wrong, but a couple of weeks ago" "I had to fly to New York, and I called my manager and I asked him," ""hey, can you get my flight information?"" "He said, "I really don't have time to give that to you," ""but if you take this confirmation code" ""and call the airlines, they'll tell you everything you need to know."" "I was like, "cool beans, man." "I'm self-sufficient." "I can handle that."" "And I called the airlines, and you know the confirmation code's a series of letters, and you gotta say the letters and something that they start with so they can better understand you over the phone." "And I called the lady and I could tell immediately by the tone in her voice that this is not the job that she wanted." "'Cause she says to me, "what's the confirmation code?"" "I said, "well, the confirmation code is 't' as in 'testicles.'"" "[laughter]" ""'H' as in 'herpes.'" ""'c'-- 'k' as in 'klamydia.'"" "and she says, "sir, chlamydia does not start with a 'k.' it starts with a 'c.'"" "and I was like, "ugh..." "You've had chlamydia before."" "Hey, y'all have been great, man." "Thank y'all very much." "[Cheers and applause]" "Give it up for maronzio vance." "[Cheers and applause]" "If maronzio made you laugh and you wanna see him stay, then call..." "That's..." "Voting opens at the end of the show, and phone lines will remain open for two hours." "Once again let's hear it for maronzio vance." "[Cheers and applause]" "I can't believe I made it to the top ten." "I guess I feel like I'm finally being treated as one of the cool kids." "I've just dealt with so much rejection, and it feels like finally they're letting me in, and it's crazy." "Slap your paws together for Rachel feinstein." "[Cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "I've had sort of a weird week." "My mom just came up to visit me." "She's getting very sassy, my mom." "She really, really wants to be black or ethnic somehow." "It's a real problem." "I know, she's aggressively white." "She works with all these black women, and so she makes them take all these outdoor pictures with her, and it's just like 20 just very depressed, indifferent-looking black women with my mom in the middle lunging like this." "[Laughter]" "They take her to emcee battles." "My mom's been to, like, ten battles this year." "And now she's getting, like, really opinionated about the rapper." "She's like, "you know what, I didn't like tonight's rapper." ""I didn't think he was being honest." ""You can tell when they're really from the streets." "You can tell."" "I'm like, "really, you can sniff out" ""the street on someone, Karen?" "You teach low-impact aerobics."" "[Laughter]" "I think my mom's a hater." "I think she sits in the front with, like, a dew rag, like, "nah, nah, that's not good, nah." "I ain't feelin' that."" "No, I think she really wants to be, like, one of those white women in the movies that saves a black school like Michelle pfeiffer in dangerous minds or like Sandra bullock in the blind side." "I think that's her dream." "Like, she'd just get up in the morning and put on, like, a sassy leather jacket, and go reach out to some kid named tre, you know?" "[Laughter]" "Maybe at some point during the day he'd try to get up and leave." "He'd be like, "I don't need this." ""You don't know nothin' about me." ""You don't know what I've been through, you white bitch."" "And she'd be like," ""go ahead and run, tre." "Go ahead and run." "I ran once."" "And then he would come back and cry slow thug tears." "And they would gently hold each other and play some soft jay-z." "[Laughter]" "And my grandma's this age now" "I don't know if anyone has a relative like this, but my grandma's getting so old, she's suspicious." "Like she's just walking around like," ""what the hell is going on?" "What is this?"" "[Laughter]" "And my mom's always like," ""no grandma's fine, she's fine." "We got her cable."" "I'm like, "really, who cares that she's constantly terrified" ""as long as she has showtime." "That makes a lot of sense."" "But she knows a ridiculous amount about, like, the hip-hop and stuff 'cause she watches all the videos." "She'd be like, "you know, I was watching the video," ""and I noticed there was this foxy brown." ""She does a dance called the Booty clap." ""That's what men want to see now." ""They want you to shake the sides of your rear together," ""and I think it's disgusting." ""And I believe she signed with def jam in 2003." ""And then I think she left def jam" ""and came back again in 2005." ""I'm just so glad" ""the East coast/west coast war is over." ""You know, I was so tense during that period of time." "I just, I related to both sides."" "Thank you so much." "Thanks, that's my time." "[Cheers and applause]" "Rachel feinstein." "[Cheers and applause]" "If you can't get enough of Rachel, then do her a favor and cast your vote by dialing..." "Once again, that's..." "Voting lines open at the end of the show." "Keep in mind, there's a limit of ten votes per method." "Rachel feinstein, everybody." "[Cheers and applause]" "Now I want you to do me a favor and stay where you are." "Actually, this show is so funny" "I don't have to tell you to stay put." "In fact, you're not going anywhere." "You don't have the guts to go anywhere." "Get it together." "We'll be right back with more last comic standing." "[Cheers and applause]" "[Cheers and applause]" "Welcome back." "You're watching Craig Robinson's last comic standing, and--can we-- it's official." "During the break, the other networks were sold to the chinese." "We're now the only American television show on the air!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Can you believe it?" "Is this where you try to make me cry?" "There's a lot at stake for me right now, and it's a huge deal to make it to the finals for me, because this is what I do for a living." "Who wouldn't want to win $250,000?" "It was either this or deal or no deal where you could win four times as much." "Let's welcome Tommy johnagin!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "I got a call from my mom today." "She's a very sweet lady, probably gonna go to heaven." "The first thing she said when I answered the phone was," ""how long does cocaine stay in your hair?"" ""Um, I think you're doing it wrong." "Jeez, scarface, what happens when I'm outta town?"" "Parties." "She told me this one time, she goes," ""you gotta go see your grandma." "You know she's not gonna be around very much longer."" "And I was like, "does grandma know that's how you drum up visitors?"" "Seems a bit negative." "Now I gotta show up, and she's like," ""well, what brought you here?"" ""Clock's a ticking', Nana." "Just thought I'd come and pick out some stuff I like."" "[Laughter and applause]" "My grandparents are old, older than me by quite a bit." "They still drive, which is fun." "My grandpa got into an accident a while back." "He hit a beauty salon, which is a building that my grandma was in." "Not even sure if it was an accident, to be honest." "He said what happened was he thought the car was in park, but it was in drive." "He went to hit the brakes, but he didn't." "And then his foot went numb." "Is your body just giving up one piece at a time now?" "What are you doing?" "All right." "The only reason he's making up excuses is because he's 80, and if he doesn't make up an excuse, somebody's gonna throw him into a home." "And that's disrespectful." "He's old." "He's earned a lot of respect." "He should get to do more things, extra things." "He should get to get out, dust the beauty shop off of him, and be like, "I'll drive wherever in the hell I want." ""That building wasn't there when I started driving." "I fought in a war!"" "And then grab your junk and walk out." "[Applause]" "My grandpa fought in a war." "I went to a strip club four times last month." "Same thing, I guess." "I went to a really bad strip club." "Really unqualified stripper working, just some ugly chick." "Not even a normal ugly, where you see her and you forget about it." "Really, well, I almost called the better business bureau on the club." "I'm like, "you can't smoke inside, but that's okay?" ""How 'bout you smoke where you want, and we keep her 15 feet from the entrance, deal?"" "[Cheers and applause]" "It's never good when a stripper goes," ""what do you want me to take off next, big boy?"" "And you're like, "my glasses."" "All right, that's it for me, guys." "Thank you very much." "[Cheers and applause]" "Tommy johnagin!" "If you have a special feeling for Tommy, vote for him by dialing..." "That's..." "Voting opens at the end of the show." "Tommy johnagin." "Let him hear it, folks." "[Cheers and applause]" "Advancing to the finals is really great and real exciting." "I don't have a career, so winning last comic standing would, you know, it would give me a career, at least with my wife." "But probably have to do more around the house." "Give it up for Jonathan thymius." "[Cheers and applause]" "All right." "[Taps mic]" "[Blows]" "[Laughter]" "All right." "How's it going?" "[Cheers and applause]" "Great." "Me too." "Let's see, a little bit about me." "I, uh, I used to be married." "[Scattered cheering]" "Thanks." "Yeah, I used to be married, and I had a maid." "[Laughter]" "And I had three kids." "And my wife had three kids." "[Laughter]" "No, that was a tv show." "That's not me." "[Laughter and applause]" "So, uh, so I'm on a diet." "I have been for two months." "[Cheers] Thanks." "So far I've lost exactly, what?" "Two months." "[Laughter and applause]" "So I saw a sign that said, "helicopter rides: $40."" "So I pulled over, I gave the guy my money, you know?" "And he grabbed me by the arms and started spinning me around." "[Laughter]" "[Applause]" "Oh." "Uh-oh, hold the phone." "I, uh..." "I think I'm getting a sign from God." "[Belches]" "[Laughter and cheering]" "Guess not." "All right, well, forget this." "How 'bout a little juggling routine?" "What do you say, a little juggling?" "[Cheers and applause] Why not?" "All right, this is an audience participation juggling bit." "Yeah, I ask a lot from the audience on this." "What I need from you, what I need from the audience is three high-flight, medium-weight orange juggling balls." "[Laughter]" "No?" "Guess I'll try plan "b."" "Anybody bring plan "b"?" "[Laughter]" "[Mumbles]" "[Upbeat music]" "Jonathan thymius, everyone." "[Cheers and applause]" "If you want Jonathan to stay in the competition, dial..." "That's..." "You can also vote online" "Voting opens at the end of the show." "Remember, there's a limit of ten votes per method." "If you don't have a phone, steal one." "You know, later on you can call in your votes and then return it." "Stick around, and we'll be right back." "[Cheers and applause]" "[Cheers and applause]" "Oh, sorry, I was getting my funk on." "Welcome back to last comic standing." "I'm Craig Robinson, the last king of Scotland." "Tonight the top ten are performing to stay alive in the competition." "In just a little while, you'll have a chance to vote for your favorite." "Do you have any idea how close I am?" "I almost have my hands on $250,000." "You know what that'll buy?" "Almost anything." "Please welcome James adomian." "[Cheers and applause]" "You guys like aesop's fables?" "[Scattered cheering] That's fine, I don't." "I think aesop was a bit of a judgmental "ice hole,"" "if you ask me." "Here's a guy who witnesses these amazing feats of animal wonder in the ancient world." "But all he can see fit to do is to sit under his tree with his scroll, writing down his judgments about their minor failures." ""Oh, the hare paused to sleep," ""and so the tortoise beats the hare." "Slow and steady wins the race."" "Hold on, aesop, I don't know if you noticed, but these are two creatures from different species that set up a footrace." "[Laughter]" "They don't speak the same language." "They don't speak any language." "They don't have the brains for that." "Yet somehow they had a starting line and a finish line, and they had rules that they followed." "Yeah, one of them won, but more importantly they organized the whole thing without any measuring tools." "They didn't have athletic shoes or any kind of major endorsement." "Here's the moral on the story for you, aesop." "The negative critic sitting under the tree misses the big picture." "[Laughter and applause]" "I, uh--thanks." "I like Paul giamatti, especially in John Adams, the miniseries on hbo, because even when he's playing a founding father from the 1700s, he still has this, like, schlubby, self-loathing, loser Professor character" "that he plays all the time otherwise bleeding through into his performance." "So he's like, "liberty will reign in America, okay?" ""Son of a bitch." ""It's John Adams." ""I should be on the list." "It's the continental congress, okay?"" "[Laughter]" ""You know, me and George Washington" ""are thinking of getting a couple of horses" ""and riding up the coast" ""and maybe sampling some wine before he takes office." ""It might be real nice." ""But if I get to Philadelphia" ""and Ben Franklin is serving Merlot," "I'm frickin' outta here!"" "[Laughter] "Oh, great." ""Oh, fantastic." ""George Washington gets on the $1 bill." ""Well, good for him." ""And then you're gonna put Ben Franklin on the $100 bill." ""He wasn't even a president." ""You know who was?" "Me, John Adams." ""But you dump me after one term for Tom Jefferson." ""What do I get, huh?" "Huh?" ""John Adams, open up the history books" ""and there he is, page two." ""A bucket of bacon with an Ash for a face." ""Three cheers for me!" ""Hee-yaw!" "Hee-yaw!" "Hee-yaw!" "Goes the donkey!"" "[Cheers and applause]" "[Upbeat music]" "Thank you, James adomian." "Come on over here, kiddo." "If you want James to stick around, then prove it by dialing..." "Once more, that's..." "Voting lines open at the end of the show." "Give it up for James adomian." "[Cheers and applause]" "The next set I'm gonna do as a finalist is gonna be perfect." "I'm here to win." "People are going down." "This is sexy." "This is the new sexy." "I'm generally the kind of person that people either, like, love me to death or just love me a lot." "We only have two more funny people left." "Coming to the stage right now is Mike destefano." "[Cheers and applause]" "Yeah, what's happening?" "All right." "Have you ever noticed that the wrong people have self-esteem?" "Right?" "Like, I have a friend, the guy's delusional." "He likes himself, and he shouldn't." "And I tell him, "stop liking yourself." "You suck."" "He thinks he has-- he says, "I got women banging my door down."" "I said, "from the inside."" "They're trying to get out." "He told me, he said, "I have a stalker."" "I said, "well, it's probably a social worker" ""from the s.T.D. Clinic." "I wouldn't worry."" "Look at the black dudes." "They love me, the black men." "I feel like a chubby white girl sometimes, I really do." "[Laughter and applause]" "That's right." "I love black dudes." "You see a black guy walking, you hear music in your head, you know?" "[Laughter]" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I look at a white guy," "I think about insurance." "[Laughter]" "I want to be black." "I want to be reincarnated as a big black man." "That would be fun." "You know, not next life." "I want to be white one more time, but then after that, going black, son." "I'm gonna keep it real." "[Applause]" "I'm gonna keep it real." "I don't like to do observational humor, 'cause I was raised as a kid, "if you observe something," ""you keep your mouth shut." "Don't say nothing."" "I was a drug counselor before I started doing comedy." "It was a good job." "I helped a lot of people." "This one guy once came to me, he's like," ""Mike, I don't know what to do." "I had sex with a man for crack cocaine."" "And then he said, "do you think I'm gay?"" "I said, "I tnknk you're worrying about the wrong thing."" "[Laughter]" ""I don't know if you're gay," ""but you definitely have a drug problem." ""You need rehab." "You don't need to redecorate."" "Thank you very much, you guys." "Thank you!" "Give it up for Mike destefano." "[Cheers and applause]" "If you want Mike to remain in the competition, the number to dial is..." "That's..." "Calls are toll-free from land lines." "Voting opens at the end of the show." "Mike destefano, everybody." "[Cheers and applause]" "And speaking of the end of the show, we've got our final performance of the night coming right up after this break." "Then we'll open the voting lines." "This is last comic standing," "America's cure for syphilis." "[Cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to last comic standing." "You don't wanna be anywhere else, especially not tonight, on a holiday." "Or is it?" "Making it to the finals," "I'm thrilled, surprised." "I mean, this is major." "Nbc goes all over..." "All over New York, at least." "I know I can watch it at any of my friends' houses." "Now it's time for our final comic to take the stage." "Give it up for myq kaplan." "[Cheers and applause]" "Thk k you, everybody." "Anank you very much." "Let's have another round of applause when I'm done." "[Laughter]" "Thank you." "Like the performer who just preceded me," "I too am a tough guy." "False." "You are correct, that is a false statement." "I'm good at tests, that's what I do." "[Laughter]" "Oh, thank u,u, test fans." "[Cheering]" "My gndndmother was an English teaerer she would always crerect me on things growing up." "She's alwa b be-- hehe's a a cveversioion weadad oneime en I lasas aidid." "I I was keke"grandma, thisis irereal funun she e id, "no,o,t is mucucfufu lots of funun" ""'cause 'fun' is a noun, cannot be modified with an adverb."" "I was likeke"neverer min nonofun anymore."" "[Laughter]" "Not many funs, grandma." "I am a vegan." "Do we have any other douchebags here?" "[Cheers and applause] Gotcha, gotcha." "Gotcha at home." "Vegan is like a vegetarian but slightly more annoying." "And here's the thing, people think that vegans and vegetarians are weak 'cause look, uh..." "But here's-- I will fight anyone, anyone in 70 years when I'm alive still and you're not, probably." "'Cause statistics show that vegetarians live seven years longer than non-vegetarians, vegans up to 15 years longer, probably because we're not invited to do anything fun or dangerous, so..." "[Laughter and applause]" "We just sit at home crying and drinking, and careful not to cry into our drink, 'cause tears are a product of animal suffering, so..." "[Laughter]" "I saw a street musician, I talked to him." "I found out, you know, you can make up to $60 an hour being a street musician?" "Or up to $60 a minute robbing a street musician, so a lot of jobs out there." "But..." "[laughter and applause]" "I try to be polite." "My grandmother taught me, she said not to point, pointing is rude." "'Cause when you have a finger pointing at somebody else, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself." "So now..." "I only point at people like this, which I think seems a little ruder." "You know what I mean?" "All right." "Hey, you guys have been many funs." "Thank you very much." "My name is myq kaplan." "[Cheers and applause]" "Myq kaplan, everybody!" "[Cheers and applause]" "To vote for myq, dial..." "Once again, that's..." "Voting lines open at the end of the show." "Stop trying to dial early." "Now for those of you who can't remember anything, let's take another look at all of our hilarious comics." "How can you sleep with someone who thinks there's an "a" in "tomorrow"?" "My graduation picture is a mailman handing my g.E.D." "All your dreams magically fall out of the sky." "Chocolate-covered dreams." "I was like, "ugh..." "You've had chlamydia before."" ""I didn't like tonight's rapper." ""I didn't think he was being honest." ""You can tell when they're really from the streets." "You can tell."" "It's never good when a stripper goes," ""what do you want me to take off next, big boy?"" "And you're like, "my glasses."" "[Taps mic]" "[Blows]" ""But if I get to Philadelphia" ""and Ben Franklin is serving Merlot," "I'm frickin' outta here!"" "Did you ever notice that the wrong people have self-esteem?" "You know you can make up to $60 an hour being a street musician?" "Or up to $60 a minute robbing a street musician, so..." "[Cheers and applause]" "Okay, our voting lines are now open." "Voting by phone is open for two hours." "Be patient if you can't get through right away." "There's a limit of ten votes per method." "You have no excuse." "Do it now." "We'll do it live!" "We'll be back next Monday with all of the results, and tragically we'll say good-bye to the three comics whose fans were too lazy to vote." "Then the top seven will take the stage." "It's gonna be an action-packed night of hilarity." "You don't wanna miss it." "I'm very much Craig Robinson." "Be about it." "[Cheers and applause]"