" Valco!" " Serves you right!" " Quite nervous." " You won't beat our prices." " Stop that." " If you get it cheaper," " I'll come round and cook it." " We have 17 varieties of papadom." "Offers on everything from booze to biscuits." " Loads of 2-for-1s." " Service with a smile." " Fresh produce..." " ..delivered daily." " The Valco tick." " That way." " Valco!" " I wasn't ready." "Valco." "Serves you right!" "(all) Valco." "Serves you right!" "Six sausages." "That'll be £4.98." "There you go." "£4.98?" "That's daylight robbery!" "They're from an organic farm." "You're paying to improve animal welfare." "Happy pigs." "I wouldn't be very happy finishing up a sausage." " Fair point." " I'd rather eat the unhappy ones." "At least nobody's been fibbing to 'em." "Ooh, heads." "Hmm." "Looks a bit slapdash." "I was about to say the same thing." "Weird that." "Just get it tidied up a bit, eh?" "And take that down too." "That's for charity." "Have a heart." "I think you'll find I'm a very charitable woman, Andy." " Just ask the blind." " I'm not shifting it." "As your superior, if I give you an order, I expect you to follow it." "You're only filling in." " You're not a proper boss." " What?" "!" "It's like when you go on holiday and you get somebody to go into your house." "Water the plants, turn the lights on, stop you being burgled." "You're more like that." "Take!" "It!" "Down!" "Alright, alright, you're the boss." "For now." "Right." "Sausages for fingers or burgers for feet?" "Burgers for feet, obviously." "Sausages have no grip." "It's well documented." "Thought as much." "Thanks." " (knocking)" " Can I have a word please?" "Certainly." "Honestly, those bakers, they get worse." "I confiscated their calendar." "I expected raunchy, but this is beyond X-rated!" " What can I do for you?" " Is there any way I can fire Andy?" " We've spoken about this before, Julie." " Can I hit him?" "I'll do it after hours." "He doesn't have to know it's me." " What's he done now?" " He just winds me up!" "He's not the only one either." "Half the idiots here take pleasure in pushing my buttons." " Julie, I..." " I'm a very tolerant woman, Gavin, but I'm having my authority undermined at every turn." "Would it help if I reminded everyone that you are acting deputy manager?" "No." "It was embarrassing last time." "All I want is for them to do what I tell them." "They did what Leanne told them." "Yes, but Leanne's done the job for three years." "Maybe I should give you a copy of the Valco Managers Code of Practice Handbook." "Oh, Gavin." "Do you think I'm ready for this?" "It's just a book of guidelines to help you manage more efficiently." " The Valco Manager's Handbook." " Might as well do things by the book." "(giggles) Oh, Gavin!" "You're so funny!" "You should do stand-up." "You really should." "No." "No." "I really don't think I'd like that." "Just stick to the rules and people will soon see that you're in charge." "And anyone tries it on, I can throw the book at them." " No!" "Lord, no!" " I meant figuratively." "Oh." "Oh, yes." "I see." "We have a bloody laugh sometimes, don't we?" "Well, I better let you get on." "I've got an extremely pornographic calendar to dispose of." " It's a real privilege, it really is." " What's that, mate?" "The chance to see a true craftsman at work." "Ancient skills like yours need to be preserved." "Like stone masons, blacksmiths..." "Just changed 100 watt, not shoeing a horse." "Right, what's next?" "I wanna be away by 11 :00." "Oh, what?" "!" "We're like a machine." "It's like we know what each other's thinking, like we're joined-up twins." " You have to stay with me all day?" " Yeah, they told me to." "But I won't hinder your progress." "Just think of me as another tool." "I'll do that." " What's it like being your own boss?" " I'm not, Mike's my boss." "Still, I envy you." "Out there on the open road." "Roaming from branch to branch." " You're like a cowboy." "You need a gun." " I've got one." "Really?" "It's a glue gun. (laughs)" "Your own gun." "Amazing." "Amazing." "There's nothing like the feeling you get from giving something back." " Alright, Bono." " Yeah, real mature." "A man goes the extra mile to help those who can't help themselves" " and you take the piss." " Who are you raising money for?" "Sharks." "Sharks?" "That's your good cause, sharks?" "Our fishing habits are wiping 'em out." "You could have picked the homeless or cancer." " Not something in the sea." " I'll sponsor you." "Put me down for 50p." "Per mile?" "No, I'm not one of them secret millionaires." "Buy a bag of tricolore pasta and get a Valco pasta sauce free in our Feed the Family offer." "And why not add a Caesar salad for a pound." " (laughs) Look at the state of her." " (laughs)" "You can always tell when someone's had plastic surgery." "He's definitely had an arselift." "Arselift?" "Why would you have that done?" " Cos he's gay as a shoe shop." " Who says that?" "Gay as a shoe shop?" " Me." " (both laugh)" " What?" " Shut up." "You'll find it in our Mediterranean section which is just at the end of aisle four." "Opposite checkout three." "You're running a marathon?" "It's 26 miles!" " I haven't seen you do any training." " I've done fun runs, remember?" " Is it really 26 miles?" " Yeah." " People die doing 'em." "Heart attacks." " Don't be so daft." "I've seen people run dressed as crocodiles." "They wouldn't do it if it was dangerous." "Actually, Andy, make it a pound." "I've just remembered that 50p Alan found in t'front garden." "(sighs)" "Get a move on, Colin." "He looks borderline wino." "Soon he'll be licking the floor." "Yeah, well, get him a straw then." "It saves me cleaning it up." " Is that the Valco way, Colin?" " It's my way." " Can I be honest?" " Yep." "I've noticed the F-word has been creeping into your work here lately." "What?" "You're kidding, aren't ya?" "The closest anyone gets is when" "Mickey rubs his knob up against the trolleys." "What?" "No, I mean facetiousness." " Ah." " I won't stand for it." "Unless you want a warning, get a move on." "Alright." "Watch that." "Oh!" "Sorry." "I'm really sorry." "Don't touch it!" "What is it?" "It's a calendar." "I confiscated it from the bakers." "Just about to get at it with scissors." "Sounds like the best thing." "This one's particularly..." "what's the word for it..." "It's very naughty." "Oh, I can't stand calendars full stop." "All those pages of days, weeks, months, years." "I never know where I am with 'em." "Exactly." "Right, well, erm..." "Don't let me stop you." "You're not." "I'm off to spend a penny." " Ah, right." " I'd better go." "Don't want to leave a trail." "Bye, Gavin." " That's £9.80 change." "Thank you." " That's lovely, thank you." " Aren't we forgetting something?" "What?" "I asked if he wanted a bag." "Every transaction is to be followed by," " "Thank you for shopping at Valco."" " Nobody says that, though." "Just because previous deputy managers have let things slide, I won't." "This new broom sweeps clean." " Still got a witch on it." " (both laugh)" " Something you'd like to share?" " No." "It's easy to joke when you're an insignificant cog in a giant machine." "No offence, but you could die tomorrow and nobody at Valco would notice." "Whereas if I died, it'd be chaos." "And possibly a shrine of flowers outside." " It's Lisa, isn't it?" " Yeah." "I know that's your name, but if I was a customer, how would I know you work here?" "Cos I'm sat here in my uniform working." "Without a name badge." "Leaving Valco unprotected on consumer rights issues." "Eh?" "Are you chewing, Lisa?" "Yeah, cherry Airwaves." "God, you're proper on one today, aren't ya?" " Is Leanne coming back soon?" " As you know, fairness is in my DNA." "But you have pushed me over the limit with your attitude." "Now shut that till up and report to the warehouse." "That goes for you two as well." "Go on!" "Shut your tills up." "Good morning and welcome to Valco." "I can see the headlines now." "Fat butcher's head explodes as crocodile wins marathon." "I keep telling you." "Marathons aren't about fitness or endurance or running." "It's all about diet." "Drinking a glass of milk every so often don't count as a diet." "That's just the start of it." "The main staple of my diet is eggs." "Did you know they say Usain Bolt eats 50 eggs a week?" "That's 200 eggs a month." "Where are you finding your information?" "A wood?" "Pay attention." "You might learn something." "Milk." "Full fat." "For calcium." "An egg, Bolt's favourite, for protein." "And pork for testosterone." "Mmm." "That's better." "Going on lunch." "Don't eat any of them Scotch eggs while I'm gone." "They taste like arseholes." "Are you sure you should be eating that, Andy?" "It doesn't look very healthy." "Nothing that's good for you ever does." " (sighs)" " You alright?" "Yeah, it's just the taste of the eggs." "Are my eyes open?" " Alright, me boy?" " What you doing?" "You can't come back here." "This is a man's world." "You wouldn't understand." "I wanna see the magic." "What you being a dick for?" "You'll put customers off." " Pretty girl shouldn't hack meat." " Oh, but you think I'm a pretty girl?" "Pretty stupid." "Don't touch anything." "You know what Andy's like." " He knows when someone's been here." " (gasps) Maybe so." "But can he tell if someone's put fake names on his sponsorship form?" "No." "I put Paul McCartney down for £20." "He was gutted he missed him." "(laughs)" "These aren't even the Valco uniform trousers I was given." " They're my old school trousers." " Great." "Cos the thing is, they're exactly the same as the Valco ones." "They're the same size, same colour, everything." "Nobody's noticed." "I can't even tell the difference sometimes myself." "I guess I could wear the work ones, but there's something about these ones that I... (laughs) Wait a minute, these are my work ones!" "Look." "If you look on the inside, these aren't... these..." "Are they the work ones or not?" "Mate." "Nah." "Sorry." "I've been to the warehouse, everywhere." "No stock." " Not to worry." "Thanks." " Don't worry, that's why I'm here." " Happy to help." " Ta-ra." " Ooh, Gavin!" "Gavin." " Yes, Margaret?" " Have you got a minute?" " I'm busy." "Can it wait?" " No, it can't." " What's the matter?" "(sighs) I don't like saying." "I feel a bit embarrassed." "Oh." " Do you mind coming round back here?" " I suppose I can spare a minute." "(sighs) I feel daft asking you this." "It's been puzzling me since day one." "How do they get the egg in the pork pie?" " I'm not sure I follow." " How do they do it?" "Do they put the egg into the pork pie, or do they wrap the pork pie around the egg?" "You know what, I've never it given any thought." "It's like one of those bottles in a ship." "Ship in a..." "Anyway, look, Margaret, I really must get going." "I've got a to-do list as long as the Channel Tunnel." "If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you be and why?" "Please,... shut the fuck up!" " Are you sure nobody's been back here?" " Yeah." " I told you to take that down." " It's back up?" "Must be the wind." "That's a punishable offence." "Says so in the Valco Managers Code of Practice Handbook." " Where?" " It's a new amendment." "You can't just make up your own rules, Julie." "You're not Alan Sugar." "If I was, I'd have to seriously think about having you two fired." "You can't fire two at once." "He did one time." "They'd come up with a dog cupboard." "He went mental, chucked two of 'em off." " Dog cupboard?" " A box with bones on it." "Terrible!" "Take it down or I'll take this book and shove it up your arses." "I don't think that's in your rulebook." " It's like babysitting chimps." " Worry about the tills." "School's out." "There's only three staff on." "Don't tell me how to do my job!" "Thank you, Kieran." "Only trying to help." " (groans)" " Yeah, uptight or what." "Tell you what, those raw eggs don't waste any time, do they?" "See you later, Usain!" "This is mental." "Why don't you open more tills?" "Sorry." "We're a bit short staffed." "Katie, get a move on!" "Your queue's back to pasta." "I'm trying!" "Some of the tills closed, remember?" "Want something done, do it yourself." "Next, please!" "Good afternoon." "Please accept my apologies... 15 minutes I been waiting here to buy dog food." "Oh, I love dogs!" "What kind of dog have you got?" "A bastard hungry one." "We're doing everything we can, sir." "This shop has turned to shit!" "Up yours!" "And your stupid dogs!" "Don't you mean, "Thank you for shopping at Valco"?" " Julie!" "What are you doing on the till?" " Not now, Gavin!" "Shall we have a little chat?" "Amazing." "Good job." "No, Andy, you can't use the toilets." "Three raw eggs knocking on me back door." "No "can't"." "That one's working, but it's got a wobbly seat." "(farting / sighing)" "I hate to swear in front of a lady, but would you mind telling me what the blazes was going on out there?" "We're short staffed!" "I had to jump on." "No wonder, you sent Courtney and Amy to the warehouse for laughing, and Lisa for chewing." " Please don't shout." " I'm not shouting." "Your eyes are." "I know I've let you down, but it spiralled out of control." "They all think I'm a joke." "You might as well call Leanne and tell her to come back as quick as she can, because I'm useless and she's Miss Perfect!" "(sighs) Come on." "I'm sorry that I flew off the handle a touch." "Sometimes I do let my temper get the better of me." "You're a hot-blooded man, Gavin, there's nothing to apologise for." "I'm just concerned." "Today aside, you've been doing a very good job filling in." " I'm not the only person to say so." " Honestly?" "Who else has?" "Well, that's not important right now." "What I'm getting at is, by and large, you've been doing very well." "You don't need to focus on the negative all the time." "Management, it's a balancing act between the carrot and the stick." " None of us are perfect at it." " Everyone thinks Leanne is." "Well, she has faults of her own." " Really?" "Like what?" " Punctuality, for one thing." "Never on time, always early for everything." "Sometimes she did struggle to assert her authority." "I did not know that." "Most of the staff refused to believe she could be deputy manager at such a young age." "Yeah." "I know how she feels." "Look, erm..." "What say you just draw a line under today." " Start again tomorrow." " Thank you, Gavin." "Talking to you makes everything feel like it's going to be OK." "You're got such a gentle, soothing voice." "My wife Barbara used to say that." "She said it made me sound weak." "It's OK to cry." "Oh, no, I'm quite alright." "No, but if you ever need to cry, my phone's always on." "Well, I'm glad we've had this little talk." "I've got to give the bakers a rollocking." "Another XXX calendar has appeared." "You don't wanna see where Miss October's putting things." "Life is just one long stag do for those boys." "Wouldn't pack your tools up yet, some bastard's made a right mess in there." "Yeah, that's Emma." "Oh, Kieran, she's gorgeous." " You know who she reminds me of?" " Who?" "A supermodel." "Oh!" "You got a photo of your Alan I can see?" "No." "I've got a great one at home, though." " I'll bring it in tomorrow." " Great." "Frame's quite heavy, but it'll be alright in the car if I clear the boot." " You don't have to, I was only..." " No, my pleasure." "I'll get my Alan to help me lift it off the wall tonight." "Brilliant." "Uh-oh. (laughs)" "Oh, Andy." "You look like you've been to hell and then back from hell." "Bollocks to sharks." "This is a notice to all customers." "Hurry to our fresh fruit and veg aisle, where you'll find brilliant bargains on all leafy greens." "Cabbages at low, low prices." " Little surprise for you, Margaret." " What's all this?" "I found out how they put the egg inside the pork pie." "Oh, Gavin. (laughs)" "Thank you!" "It's really quite enlightening, actually." "I never thought it required so many people." "What they do..." "Anyway, it's fascinating." "Anyway, erm... enjoy." "Oh, thank you, Gavin." "Night!" "Long eggs?" "Oh, the poor hens." "I've had some right arsey customers." "I've had it." " I'm looking for a new job." " Here we go again." " I mean it this time." " That's what you said last time." "This time is different." "I'm gonna sign up with some temping agencies." "Ooh, the mysterious temping agencies." "I'm serious." "And then I wanna see" " if I can get a job at..." " River Island." "The same every time." "(laughs)" "(sighs)" "Do you think you'll make it to car?" " As long as I don't have to run." " Have you got a blanket to sit on?" " (groans)" " Ooh." "It's alright."