"It was my friend Abed's birthday." "I had met Abed at community college two years earlier." "His obsession with pop culture had always alienated him." "He'd quote movies, pretend life was a TV show." "Watched Cougar Town." "As if he didn't want people to like him." "Then this year, around Christmas, he had some kind of," "I don't know, mental episode, saying people were made of clay, stuff like that." "He seemed okay since, but when I asked if he'd like anything for his birthday, he told me we should have dinner, he and I, for an important conversation." "It made me nervous." "The restaurant wasn't his style at all." "There were cloth napkins, no TVs." "Abed liked chicken fingers, video games, Quentin Tarantino." "Babysitting him through a full meal at a restaurant for grown-ups?" "I just wasn't up for it." "But I loved Abed." "Everyone did." "So I had come there with a plan of my own." "Hey, uh, could I get a Macallan, neat?" "Jeffrey." "Buddy." "I like your sweater." "Did it come with a golden retriever?" "Heh-heh-heh." "You look good too." "I would like a, um, spritzer if possible." "Abed was being weird." "And by that, I mean he wasn't being weird." "He was hugging, smiling, making eye contact, and in 30 seconds, he hadn't made a reference to anything." "I had come in worried about him, thinking he needed help." "But seeing him like this made me more worried than ever." "Get it?" "Like Pulp Fiction." "A wallet that says "bad mother..." Table's ready." "Actually, I had an idea." "I saw a very cool burger place just a few..." "Nonsense." "I didn't come downtown for burgers." "Come, come." "Uh, I'll be right there." "Hey, we're running a bit late." "No big deal, just a small speed bump." "Well, hurry up." "We're waiting." "Surprise!" "Guys, no." " They're running late." " Aw." "Jeff says there's some kind of speed bump." "Pierce, nobody can hear you." "Well, I'm hot, and my balls are touching a zipper." "Can you imagine the expression on Abed's face when he walks in?" " Of course I can imagine it." " It's always the same." "But he's gonna say "cool" at least five times." "It's great of Jeff to put this together." "I'm not jealous." "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Oh, cool, someone got him a briefcase, like in the movie." "What's in it?" "Hey, don't touch that." "It's from Jeff." "He says nobody but Abed can open it." "Why?" "What's in it?" "What, I have 3D vision now?" "Yes, you do." "You don't know me." "Everybody be patient and don't mess with anything." "I'm responsible for this diner when my boss isn't around." "She will not stop bragging about that." "I know." " Has anyone seen this film?" " Am I the hero or love interest?" "Pulp Fiction?" "Saw it on an airplane." "Cute." "Film about a group of friends who like cheeseburgers, dancing and the Bible." "Jeff's not better than me." "Hmm?" "I said, "Hmm."" "Boy, is this menu stuffy." "I don't know about you, but I'd rather have a nice..." "Rillettes de Saumon, to start, I think, and, oh, the squab." "Very good." "They don't have quail." "Good to know." "Salad." " Excellent choice." " Yeah, I nailed it." "Um, you forgot this in the bar." "Ah, so I did." "I'm sorry." "What a thoughtful gift, Jeff." "I really was a man of singular taste." "Was?" "Abed, what's going on?" "Why are you dressed like Mr. Rogers, talking like Frasier?" "Oh, where to begin?" "I mentioned my fondness for a program called Cougar Town." "Here and there." "I even started a fan club on Facebook." "Not to accomplish anything." "Simply to express my love for the show." "It ended up being quite large, this fan club." "And one morning," "I think maybe early March, I got this Facebook message." "A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town." "Looking for work?" "Heh." "No, thanking me for support I generated for the show." "And in the last paragraph, they said, "You could come visit the set."" "Just like that." "Well, that's cool of them." "I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fictions of people." "How great was that movie?" "So I sold my action figures and bought a ticket to Los Angeles." "Wait, you went?" "When?" "Over spring break." "What could I do?" "Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set." "Cougar Town." "Want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name." "You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, not just the actors, but the crew." "Everyone." "There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose." "It was like a village or a living thing." "I'm talking to the director and he says, "Jump into the background."" "I say, "Jump into the background of what exactly?"" "He says, "Background of this scene." "Walk through it." "Walk through Cougar Town."" "Thank you." "Well, before I can react, this girl stands me behind this patio where the actors are doing their scene." "The girl says, "When you hear 'action, ' walk from here to there."" "I really started to panic, because if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town?" "The more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense." "I wanna run, but too late, the director's calling "action."" "So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who's seen the show and become a character on the show." "Become a man from Cougar Town." "You know, someone born there, someone whose name is Chad." "I take my first step, as a child, learning to walk as Chad." "With each step, it becomes easier." "I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment," "my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes, playing charades at Thanksgiving." "Chad had lived, Jeff." "You know, Chad had lived more than Abed." "And then they called "cut" and the scene was over." "But I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "One more take?"" "But they were already moving on." "Courteney had nailed it." "My lips started trembling and my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor..." "I pooped my pants." "I did." "Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead." "But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up." "Wardrobe lady came." "She gave me new pants." "I thanked everyone, I apologized, and then I got on a bus and went straight to the airport." "Um..." "Your food's getting cold." "Oh." "How silly of me." "Hmm." "Wondering if Abed's new best friend also got him the best gift?" "I got Abed the best gift." "I'd tell you what it is, but it's an even cooler secret." "Britta, you promised that this private party would be done by 8." "You're doing this during peak hours for nostalgic-themed diners." "Has that been researched?" "It has." "Frightened by the evening news, many seek the comforting foods and music of a pre-racial America." "Sorry, Brian." "They're a little late." "I'll give you all of my tips from my next shift." "Oh, your tips." "All your tips?" "Wait, wait, all of them?" "Like, all the tips the customers leave for you?" "Wow." "Is there any way we can spread that over two years so I don't get slammed on my taxes?" "Oh, my goodness." "I know." "Everyone hates Britta." "Mm-hm." "You know the real point of that story." "I don't, but that's okay." "Chew." "The point is, I'd been a fool." "No." "Everybody poops their pants." "I was a fool long before that." "I look back and think, "Who was that?" "Why did he care about things?" Yeah." "Who needs Cougar Town?" "Who needs any pop culture?" "TV, movies, to hell with all of it." "You know what I was, Jeff?" "I was that wallet." "On the surface, a reference to cinematic drivel, but on the inside, empty." "But you love Tarantino." "No, no, not anymore." "That's why I wanted to have dinner." "First birthday of my new life." "The wallet's cute, but I'd like to exchange it." "I'm not leaving here until you've given me my first real conversation." "Yay." "Mm." "Okay, you wanna have a real conversation?" "Here's as real as I get under the circumstances." "It's nice you've learned to dial back your love of TV." "But I'd like you to have a milkshake with me." "But before you do, remember how much you enjoy Pulp Fiction." "Now, that's as far as I can go." "I'm really tilting the bean can here." "Pulp Fiction, milkshakes, bean cans?" "Listen to how we talk." "We're like robots exchanging catchphrases and references." "Pointing that out counts as a real conversation?" "Fake people are talking about how fake the world is right now." "So start our real conversation." "I don't believe there's such a thing." "Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality." "We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection." "You know who has real conversations?" "Ants." "They talk by vomiting chemicals into each others' mouths." "They get right down to brass tacks." "Bleh. "Which way's the picnic?"" "Bleh. "That way."" "Humans are more evolved." "We lie." "Not all the time." "That's a lie." "We don't lie when alone." "Biggest lie ever." "Nine out of 10 lies occur six inches from the bathroom mirror." "We do most of our lying alone." "How's it possible to lie alone?" "You call a phone-sex line." "Lying to yourself." "That's just being honest with a stranger." "What if you're dishonest about why?" "What if you're a good-Iooking guy and tells them he weighs 400 pounds just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?" "I don't believe that happens." "Wrong." "That's me." "Did that last week." "What?" "Why pay a woman to think you're fat?" "Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me." "God, that feels good to admit." "Abed, the point being..." "The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal or real or whatever this is tonight." "The world is a sick place full of sick, sick people." "Can I tell you something I've never told anyone else?" "Yes." "It's gotta be so cool, whatever he got him." "You know what I'm saying." "Winger's a man of means." "He's with your boy right now, having a fancy dinner." "Baby chickens, Diamond forks, brand-name sodas." "Then he's gonna bring him back here, give him whatever's in there, and that's that." "Troy who?" "Open." "Open." "Is that what I think it is?" "It is." "Certificate of authenticity." "He must've got it on eBay or something." "Jeff got Abed the actual briefcase from the movie Pulp Fiction." " Eeh." " What are you guys doing?" "Chang made me." "He seduced me with his Chinese powers." "Why do you leave him alone with me?" "I put my job on the line for this stupid party and the least you can do is not ruin it." "No!" "No!" "Huh?" "Aw." "Aw." "Dude, I know I'm preaching to the choir, but... you are a bad friend." "I'll kill you!" "What?" "And I said, "No, that's a girl's costume."" "And my mom said, "Indian boys have long hair and braids too."" "There was only 45 minutes left to trick-or-treat, so what could I do?" "I put the damn thing on and I went door-to-door." "And everyone was going, "Oh, what a pretty little girl."" "And by the third house," "I stopped correcting them." "I mean, why draw attention to it?" "And, honestly, once the shame and the fear wore off..." "I was just glad they thought I was pretty." "God, this is incredible." "I mean, to be able to talk this openly." "I mean, why can't people be like this?" "I mean, what's wrong with this world?" "What do you want?" "So this is what you're doing while we wait." "Go home, Pierce." "The party's canceled." "Pretty gay, man." "Pretty gay." "Why is Pierce dressed as the gimp from Pulp Fiction?" "Ah, pfft." "The wallet, milkshakes." "Did you set up a surprise Pulp Fiction birthday party?" "At the Greasy Fork, but it doesn't matter now." "What matters is this." "Talking." "It everything okay?" " Yes." "Just the check, please." " Oh." "I'm sorry." "So you're ending early?" "In My Dinner with Andre..." "Check, check, check." "Bye." "Abed?" "Mm-hm." "What's My Dinner with Andre?" "It's just a movie about, uh, two guys talking at a restaurant." "So this wasn't a real conversation?" "Another movie?" "A movie about a real conversation." "Did you poop your pants on the set of Cougar Town?" "That shouldn't matter." "This is why we don't hang out." "Thanks for getting me fired." "The party's over." " Cool, cool, cool." " Yeah, it is." "Do you guys know where Abed's really cool present is?" " Because I'm returning it." " Um..." "It's back at the diner." "It's fine." "It probably just needs some detailing." "Man, I really wish you two got along better." "Oh, no-no juice." "Oh, that's good no-no juice." "I'll give you $ 1200 for the damages if you promise to give Britta her job back." "Eight hundred and she stays fired." "Deal." "Annie told me about the briefcase." "Thank you." "What a waste." "Not really." "Buy it from Willy's Authentic Cinema Treasures on eBay?" "Yep." "Yeah, Willy exaggerates." "I got Indiana Jones' real whip from him." "He moves 70 of those a year." "Good." "Thought I flushed money down the toilet." "Great to know the real Pulp Fiction briefcase is safe somewhere." "You're mad at me." "I spent a week planning a party to make you happy." "And then I bailed on the party just to make you happy." "While I was wasting time trying to make you happy, you were making yourself happy all over everyone else by doing yet another stupid movie spoof." "I prefer the term "homage."" "It wasn't about making me happy." "My Dinner with Andre is about a guy who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening with a weird friend he's been avoiding lately." "You think I've been avoiding you?" "You and I hung out more last year." "It makes sense." "Everyone else is growing and changing all the time, that's not my jam." "I'm more fast-blinking, stoic, removed, uncomfortably self-aware type." "Like Data or Johnny 5 or Mork or HAL or K.I.T.T. Or K9 or Woodstock andlor Snoopy." "Spock goes without saying." "I don't need you to grow or change." "Take it from someone who just had a meaningless one, sometimes emotional breakthroughs are overrated." "And, seriously, keep a tight, heavy lid on the little Indian girl story." "Sure." "Tight, heavy lid." "Cool." "THL." "Still friends?" "Nobody paid for dinner at the restaurant, and I do not have this kind of money." " I went back to pay the bill." " The restaurant was closed." "Surprise!" "Surprise." "It was Abed's idea." "The group had stayed behind to salvage the party." "The waiter felt bad for spilling the beans about Abed's homage, so he let us stay." "As parties go, it was quiet, dark and a little lame." "We'd had better parties and we'd had worse parties." "But I doubt I'll ever forget my Dinner with Andre dinner with Abed." "Thanks." "Abed, please, allow me." "Okay." "Thanks." "Let me see." "Mm." "That's not good." "They said "market price."" "What market are you shopping at?" "!" "I'm going to run." "Me too." "Okay." "On three." "One." "Two." "Three."