"And now, back to the one man in America who really gets it." "Alrighty, welcome back." "I'm here with the lovely Debra and her beau, Joel." "Now, let's slap on our swim trunks and go for a dip in Lake Joel." "What is going on?" "The little lady says you have no direction, no passion." "The audience wants to hear your story." "I wanna hear your story." "Right now, I work at Gutters." "It's a bowling alley." "Bowling, all right." "I bowled a 280 last week." "College grad like you must be what, manager?" "No, actually, no." "I give out shoes, and then when they come back, I spray them." "And then I put them in their cubbies." "See, this is what I'm talking about." "He, he has no joie de vivre." "He got passed up for a promotion and he didn't say a thing." "It's like he's content being a shoe boy." "Shoe--?" "Listen, Eddie needed the job more than I did." "Come on, Joel, a young buck like you should have the world at his toes." "Now, I want you to think back for me." "When you were a kid, did you ever think that you would be handling other people's rented shoes?" "No." "Not exactly, no, no." "But work isn't everything." "I'm happy." "I am." "I've got the best friends in the world." "And I've got Debra." "You came here for one thing, but I'm hearing another." " Am I right, audience?" " Yeah." "It sounds like Joel here wants to scurry home instead of facing the truth." "Yeah!" "I think you're the one that's crying out for help." "Yeah." "Are you willing to see the situation for what it is?" "Because he ain't." "He's hiding in the shady knoll you know, looking for unicorns, hoping no one finds him." "The point is, this relationship is nothing but a bunch of hooey." "Whoa, wait, wait up." "We came here for career advice." "Dagnabbit, Joel, put a cork in it." "I know this is tough for you." "But you know what you need to do, don't you?" "Joel I think Dr. Dwayne is right." "What?" "I can't be with you anymore." "No, no." "I can't be with you anymore." " Isn't that great?" " Yes!" "Wait a minute." "What is going on?" "You need to shape up, is what's going on." "You got a long road ahead of you, and I am happy to say that you are not taking her with you." "No, you're not." "Joel I think Dr. Dwayne is right." "I can't be with you anymore." "Joel." "Joel." " Joel." " Joel?" "Joel." "Joel." "Joel...." "Seriously, dude you gotta snap out of it." "This is not healthy." " Hi, Ben." " Hi, Joel." " Where'd you come from?" " I came from outside." "Hi." "For crying in the night, have you stopped bathing?" "You look like shit and you smell like shit." "What's the point?" "We all die dirty." "All right." "Well, look, that may be, but I had my last final today." "My bar exam is in four months." "Right now, it's all about getting you out of this funk." "All right, home skillet?" "Buddy, I love you." "You're my best friend." "I'm really sorry that Deb broke up with you, that really sucks." "But look on the bright side, huh?" " I mean, it's not gonna get any worse." " I got fired last week." "Fantastic." "Mr. Wendell said I wasn't fit to work in the bowling industry." "He called me an ass face." "Said my face looks like an ass." "Your face doesn't look like an ass." "Much." "From here on in, there's nowhere to go but up." " No." " Yes." "Up, up, up, there we go." "Come on, come on." "On your feet." "On your feet." "Good God, you stink." "Come on now, just gonna bring you on a little trip to the window here." "Yeah, huh?" "Come on, Nosferatu." "Who's got an idea?" "I've got a brilliant idea." "Let's go hop in your ride." "Take the top down, huh?" "Don't answer it." "Hi, honey, it's your mother." "I thought you should know that your father took Buckets to the dog park." "Buckets." "Well, there was a very aggressive pug mix there." "And your father thought they were just humping, you know, like dogs do?" "And well, he didn't make it." "Oh, Harold." "Buckets?" "My Buckets?" "Okay, okay, Joel, focus, focus." "Look." "Look at me, okay?" "I am not gonna bullshit you anymore." "Today is a really, really shitty day." "But things are gonna turn around." "I can smell it." "Wyatt?" "Gentlemen." "How many times have I applied to the Oscar Mayer Wiener internship?" " Eleven." " How many times..." "...have I been rejected?" " Twelve." "That's also correct, I did call that one time." "Whatever." "To answer the question that you haven't asked yet but I know you want to, "Where has Wyatt been all week?"" "Well, I'll tell you where he's been." "He's been in the process of creating his own Wienerwagon with every last penny in his pocket." "That's right." "Wyatt's Wienerwagon." " Wyatt's?" " Yes." "This is an authentic, chrome-plated, winged wiener." "One of only 600,000 made." "Can I ask a stupid question?" "Now, why have I spent every last penny in my pocket on this Wienerwagon and 12,000 frozen hot dogs?" "It's called taking action, bitches." "Okay?" "I will distribute hot dogs across these great Estados Unidos and prove that I am wiener worthy." "You'll drive thousands of miles on your own dime to distribute wieners across these, as you put it, great Estados Unidos to advertise for a company that's rejected you resoundingly 12 times." "Correctamundo." "It's a self-promotion blitzkrieg." "And it wouldn't be a road trip without my two other angels." "Little walkie-talkie." "Come on, you can be Lucy Liu." "Me?" "I think I'll go inside." "There's chips under the La-Z-Boy." "Okay, bro, you go get suited up." "We blast off in 60." "Were you dropped as an infant?" "Cameron Diaz would not say that to Drew Barrymore." "I am not Cameron Diaz." "You are not Drew Barrymore." "Joel is not Lucy Liu." "At least not yet." "He's going through a lot of shit." "Are you completely clueless?" "Well, here's a clue." "I've mapped out our entire trip and the final stop on the tour is Los Angeles." "When we get there, there's a certain resident by the name of Dr. Dwayne." "What are you talking about?" "About opening up the largest can of whoop ass..." "...that's ever been crizzacked." " I got it." "So you wanna go kick Dr. Dwayne's ass." "No, we're gonna hold him down while Joel beats the bejesus out of him." "Until he cries for his mommy." "His mama." "You've lost it." "Drake Hanswald." "And the name." "Drake Hanswald." "You're in the Gaylord Club, you little douche." "And you're about to join the Smashed Face Club." "Will never pass our lips again." " Dude, don't do it." " I did it." "No, no, no." "No, we promised." "We made a pact." " Why would you bring that up?" " Why?" "I'll tell you why." "Because he never stood up for himself back then." "Never stood up for himself at all." "With girls, his jobs, everything." "Dr. Dwayne pulled a Drake Hanswald on Joel on national television." "But this time, he's fighting back like his forefathers before him." "You know, Lex Luthor tried to Drake Hanswald Superman." "And what did Superman do?" "Did he curl up next to a piece of kryptonite and die?" "No." "That crazy lady, Mrs. Teschmacher, jumped into the pool and took the necklace off of him so he could fight back." "We have to be that crazy lady that take the necklace off of Joel." "All right, little Timmy O'Shaemus, that's enough." "Here's a dollar." "Go play somewhere else." "Oh, jeepers." "Thanks, mister." "So I go back to your original question." "Clueless?" "Perhaps you meant "brilliant."" "No, I didn't mean that." "You're still an idiot." " Joel is never gonna agree to do this." " Well, you leave that up to me." "I can persuade Joel." "He trusts me." "What the hell are you doing, Wyatt?" "Relax, man, 87 percent of the time, there's no permanent side effects." "You drugged him?" " Help me get his limp body into the car." " Are you out of your--?" "Now, what are you two boys up to?" " Hi, Mrs. Harrison." " Hey." "Something fishy's going on here." " Is that a new perfume?" " I don't smell a thing." "You know what, you got a little something on your mouth right there." " Wyatt!" " Now, just breathe in." "Take it in." "Relax, you're going to sleepybye, sleepybye." "All right, don't worry." "She won't remember a thing." "But she might lose bladder control." "Wyatt, you are freaking out of your mind, man." "This is not a fun trip." "This is not starting well." "I mean, look at him, look at that punim." "He looks so peaceful." "He looks like somebody famous." "Hey, buddy." "Got you some eggs there." "Might wanna eat up." "Gonna need your strength." "Oh, that's good." " Where are we?" " West Virginia." "It's for lovers." "What?" "What?" "Okay, try and follow me, Joel." "I can hear you fine." "What the hell are we doing?" "What the hell is going on?" " We drugged you." " Yeah." "We're travelling across the country to L.A so you can kick the crap out of Dr. Dwayne." "Dr. Dwayne?" "I went to school with Dr. Dwayne." " Really?" " Yep." "Said I was special in my own way." "You know, you're special in your own way." "Felt me up." "Now say, "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."" " Say it, "I'm cuckoo..." " I'm cuckoo..." "...for Cocoa Puffs." Yeah." "...for Cocoa Puffs?" "And then dumped me on prom night." "You tell him Muriel says rot in hell, bitch." "All right." "I'll go start the car." "Need to look for a new job tomorrow." "Worse comes to worst, I can always go back to babysitting." "Oh, boy." "Steady now." "Probably not a good time to mention the moustache?" "Yeah." "This gravel feels like shiatsu." "Look, Joel, I" "You're not a loser, and I wasn't trying to say that." "Look, it's okay." "You're right." "I'm 24 years old, with a college degree, I rent out bowling shoes for a living." "You used to rent out bowling shoes." "Who could blame Deb?" "I would've dumped me too." "I don't even know why you guys hang out with me." "I mean, when we were kids, yeah, yeah I was the one on the block with the trampoline." "But I don't even have that anymore." "My dad put it on eBay without even asking me." "Actually, I was kind of hanging out with you because you had Nintendo." "Your dad still has that, right?" "Look, this road trip was a really cool idea." "It is." "I just" "It's not gonna make things go back to the way they were." "Buddy, it's not about going back." "This is about your happiness." "This is about standing up for yourself." "So what?" "Who cares, man?" "Worst case scenario, you get a road trip with your two best friends." "Come on, buddy." "Road trip?" "Friends?" " Wieners." " Wieners." "You know what?" " Yeah, okay, let's do it." " Really?" "Yeah, screw it." "Let's go to L.A. and let's put the smack on." " Well, down." " What?" "You don't put the smack on, you put the smack down." "It is smack down." "Wyatt is right." "Oh, yeah, Joel." "We made you look like Adolf Hitler." "That's pretty funny." "Oh, hi." "Sorry, excuse me." "Damn." "Hello, pimping." "Oh, okay." " Think I should talk to her?" " Of course." " She could be the one." " I look like an idiot, a diabetic." " You do look like an idiot, so what?" " You need to go." "Put it down." "Put it in the van." "What're you talking about?" "Let's do it." " Hi." " Hey." " Check out the getaway sticks on her." " All right." "Did you see that gun?" "I'm telling you guys, Jack La Lanne is a modern day prophet." "I'm gonna help you guys out with that round tyre" "Thank you, thank you." "Get that thing out of here." "Get that thing out." "Get that damn" "You got a little something on your face there, boys." "I don't know." "I don't know what it is." "Janet, what in the diggity wiggity happened to you?" "My idiot brother shot me with his BB gun." "Why would you do that, Tommy, why?" " I was cleaning the gun and it went off." " Whatever." " It was an accident." " No, it wasn't." "Hang on, let's get our stories straight, okay, partners?" "Now, Tommy, you were just sort of cleaning your BB gun and all of a sudden it went off like that?" "Like that?" "Like that?" "How about that?" "How about that, son?" "Huh?" "All right, let me ask, how is this all gonna go down?" "I've never been in a fight before, guys." "No, hey, that's not true." "That slap fight you had with Adam Heiman in the third grade?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." " Yeah." "I'm pretty sure I lost that one." " Yeah." " You put up a good fight, though." "His right arm was like orangutan strong because he didn't have a left one." "It's true." "You know, that thing was practically bionic." "I did my best, though." "Seriously, sometimes I thought when he was going to pick something up that I could hear that:" "Oh, good times, good times." "Is it sad that the only fight I've ever been in was with a 7-year-old one-armed boy?" " Yeah." " Hell, yeah." "There's the exit." "Fire up the hot pot." "We got our first stop on the tour:" "Bilbo, Tennessee." "Hot dogs, get your free hot dogs here." "Anybody want a hot dog?" "I'm giving them away free." "Free means no money." "Come and get your free hot dog now, better than candy." "Wyatt, can we please move on to the next town?" "This one is obviously dead." "No." "I'm not leaving Bilbo, Tennessee, till I give out at least one free hot dog." " Folks, it's time to get up" " I can't take the stench anymore." "I'm going for a walk." "Yeah, I could move around too." "Hot dogs." "Come on and get them." "Oh, boy." "Can you handle the mob on your own?" "Hot dogs." "Somebody want a free hot dog?" "Anyone?" "Anybody, free hot dog." "Anyone, anybody?" "Sir, do you want a free hot dog, sir?" "Use a free hot dog?" "Hello, sir, you want a free hot dog?" "What did you do to them?" "Nothing, sir." "It's just a free hot dog." "Some kind of trick?" "No." "It's not a trick." "So how old are you?" "Twenty-four." " Bring one over." " All right." "Hey, did you want any mustard, or ketchup" "Or relish, or anything like that?" "Just the meat'll do." "All right, here." "Try this, see how you like" "Wait a second." "Not bad." "Pretty quiet out here today." "We must be the only two people out here for miles." "Just me and you." "My friends just went for a walk." "You know, they'll probably be back any minute." "You smell like beef and sweat." "Probably a short walk." "They gonna" " Coming" "Hush, now." "Let me take you away from all this." "I wanna stay." "Kierkegaard, schmierkegaard." "The guy's a" "Get in the van!" " Get in the van." "Get in the van!" " What?" " Wyatt, calm" " Get in the van now!" "I will leave you!" "Get in the van right now, let's go!" "Man, let's go." " Hey, hey, hey." " Hey." " Calm down, calm down." " Wyatt, Wyatt." " Buddy, what happened?" " Nothing." " Nothing happened." " Okay, nothing happened." " What is wrong with you?" " What's wrong?" "What would be wrong with you if some guy was sucking on your finger?" "Dude, what are you talking about?" "I'm talking about cowboy boots and man-gina." "One minute, I was giving him a free hot dog and the next thing I know, he had my finger in his mouth." "I don't wanna talk about it." "Buddy, that's-- You're fine, that's cool." " Settle down, it's perfectly normal." " Really?" "Yeah." "Just forget about it, forget about it." "You're fine." "You're fine." " We're fine." " He's fine." "We're fine, you're fine." " Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine, right?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Yeah." " Oh, hey, Ben." " Yes, my friend." "I was thinking, Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch." " That's a good one." " Yes." "I could go for good chicken." "I'm picking up what you're laying down." "You know, I might even go so far as to say..." "...that it's finger-licking good." " Yeah." "You guys are assholes." "A guy sucked on your finger?" "Yeah, like your dad used to suck on your balls." "Masturbating in an elevator?" "Ding-ding, going down." "How about that?" " Hey." "Hey, what's going on?" " Hey, just relaxing." " Where the hell's Wyatt?" " Washing his finger." "Still." "Get up, get dressed." "We're going out." "I scoped out this place down the street." " I'm watching something." " Oh, oh, TV, well, that's not bad." "Well, what's on, let me see?" "Those are the channels" "Oh, I accidentally turned it off." "We're going to the bar." "It'll be good therapy for you." "You can get drunk and talk about your feelings." "I don't know." "I" "I go through ups and downs." "I guess you know maybe I loved her." "I know it sounds cliché, but I" "I feel empty on the inside." "It's like I'm hollow." "Oh, honey, do you wanna put your face in my boobs again?" "I guess." "I don't know, buddy, is this really helping Joel?" "You smell great." "Yeah, this was definitely a good call." "Oh, time expired already, baby?" "Well let's feed that meter." "You forgot one." "You guys, I'm cold." "Can't we put the comforter on?" "No, man, haven't you seen those 20/20 episodes?" "I'm not cuddling up next to someone else's jiz." "Too late for that, dude." "You're an idiot." "Would you both please shut up?" " Good night, Ben." " Good night, Wyatt." " Good night, Joel." " Good night, Wyatt." "Good night killers of arkansas, lurking outside our window." "Damn." "I'm sleeping in the van." "What the--?" "Well, well, well." "Welcome to Tofu Town, boys." "What the hell was that?" "That's frigging defamation of character right there." "That is disgusting." "That is the sexiest loogie ever hawked." "What?" " She was hot." " Dude, it was like her mouth ejaculated." " I know." " She's gonna get out here and clean it." "Come on." "Let's be honest, she probably didn't even know she did it." "She probably didn't even notice." "Maybe she was coughing, I don't know." "I know people have that problem." "I've been hit in the face before." "There's nothing you can do" "No, no, no, that loogie had a purpose." "Dude." "Dude, dudes, wait a minute." "This is perfect." "The loogie cementing itself to my windshield?" "No, no, Wyatt." "This is a perfect practise run for Joely." " No." " Yes." "Hell yes, buddy." "You're gonna get in there." "You're gonna confront those hippies head on." "Head on, baby." "What are they gonna do, hug you to death?" " This is a perfect first step." " Yes." "Come on, you go in there and you tell them." "They don't clean that stuff off, you'll go psycho on their shit." "Psycho on their shit." "No, I'm not going psycho on anybody's shit." "You're so frigging lame." "Let me show you how it's done." "Lesson number one." "It all starts when I get up and make eye contact." "I rise." "I shift into attack mode." "And now we dance." "Hey, bitches." "Bitches, huh?" "Well, this should be fun." "I think you might've left something on my windshield." "Oh, yeah." "It's a loogie." "I know what it is." "Do you also know that big hunk of flesh with your bright smiley face on it promotes the violent death of innocent animals everywhere you go?" "What're you doing but driving around in a big giant sponge" "It's tofu." "It's a soy-based meat alternative, hello." "Oh, well, hot dogs are meat-based soy alternatives." "How you like me now--?" "You better go back over to your cavemen friends before I hawk another one in your face." "Easy chief." "We can handle this." "Okay, so it sounds to me like, number one, you're not apologising." "Two, you're not gonna clean that thing of my windshield?" "A for the weenie guy." "Sarcasm." "That's how it's gonna be?" "Well, let me tell you how I'm gonna be." "Full of meat." "You know what, you won't be needing this." "Steak sauce, you don't need that." "What, you gonna put steak sauce on tofu?" "It ain't steak." "So how did that go, chief?" "Well, you know, I said what I needed to say when I said it." "To establish authority, you dig?" "They'll think twice about messing with us again, thank you." "No." "One, two, three, four, five." "No." "One, two, three, four, five." "No, oh, it's gone." "Oh, it's definitely gone." "My hood ornament, man" "Oh, wait a second." "You guys are funny guys." "You took my winged wiener." "Please tell me it was you." "I am going to kill every bone in those hippies' bodies." "Yeah, you can't really kill a bone, dude." "Without that hood ornament, my vehicle isn't regulation." " I could get fired." " You don't work for the company." "Not the point." "I need my hood ornament, man." " Are you feeling me?" " Could be anywhere by now." "Man, I have seen it all." "A gigantic hot dog." " What are you eating?" " Bean curd." "Hippies in a big sponge giving this stuff out for free." " What do I do to get a free hot dog?" " Focus." "Where's the sponge?" "Took off down that dirt road." "Get in, get in." "I'm going, I'm going, I'm getting in." "I'm getting in." "You mean, I don't get my free hot dog?" " Oh, there they are." " Wyatt, slow it down." " This thing was built for speed." " Really?" "A giant hot dog built for speed?" "Holy shit." " What--?" "What is that?" " That's nothing." "Help me." "They're dragging my...." "Wyatt, Wyatt." "Slow this thing down, man, I'm serious." "I've got some major pucker factor going on right now." "Take your foot off the accelerator now." " You take it" " They're just right over" "I did not go on this trip to be spinning around in a giant hot dog." "Oh, look at my baby." "Oh, look at this." "No wonder I've been rejected 11 times." "Hey, hey, it's totally fixable." "Glue's come a long way." "Joel." "Joel, look at this, is it--?" "Am I bleeding?" " Dude, it's just a bump." " Oh, yeah?" "You are such an idiot." " Shut up." " You shut up." " Guys, come on." " No." "No, Joel, he's a moron." "He acts like an idiot and we have to pay the price." "That's why your nose is gushing blood, and I've got a lump on my head." " Your entire head is a lump." " I'm done talking to you." "I'm done talking to you for the rest of the trip." "I already started." " Look at this." " Stupid wiener." "Remember when Ian Rosenbluth would wedge the chalk into the eraser in Doc Summergrad's class?" "And every time Summergrad would go to the board and try to erase he'd get that fatty streak of chalk?" "It was amazing." "That kid was great." "Oh, my God." "Ian Rosenbluth, he's a genius." "Oh, did you--?" "Did you see that sign?" "Did you see that?" "That's a sign." "That's a sign, that's what this trip is all about." "My best friends helping me take a stand." "Hey, and look at me." "You know, look at me, it's working." "I'm not scared of that." "I wasn't scared of that at all." "Punch that poster in the face." "Turn around." "Turn around, I wanna punch that poster in the face." "What do you guys think of that?" "Come on, I wanna hear your thoughts." "I'm listening now." "Nothing?" "Nothing at all?" "I will hurl my body out of this car, I swear to God, I mean it." " I've always wanted to do it." " Hey." "All right, all right, dude, stop." "Close the door." " Say something to Ben, Wyatt." " Why I gotta go first?" " Oh, God, Wyatt." " Oh, God, Ben." "Apologise, please." "I'm sorry that I called you a moron and an idiot." "Thank you." "I'm sorry I said your head was a lump." "Thank you." "Didn't even ask for that." "That was great, that was good." "What the--?" "Hey, what do you say we go rediscover friendship?" "Come on, let me get a lollipop." "Hey." "You're not so happy anymore, are you?" "Boobies!" "What planet are you from, Cody?" "Do you see what I am dealing with, Dr. Dwayne?" "I mean, his teachers think he's a mental case." "Liz Anne, help is on the way, my friend." "Just for you, a copy of my latest and greatest:" "Earth to Mom, What to do When Your Kid Thinks He's an Alien." "And if all else fails, you can use it to knock something loose." ""Cloozy, cleazy, clucky" that." "Buy my book." "Hey, hey, hey." "Everybody calm down, calm down." "All right, who needs a napkin?" "You make me wanna scream and pull my hair out and just go:" "I'll take one." "I got a peanut butter dog." "Do you want one of those?" "Got it right." "Don't forget." "Wyatt's Wieners, you can't beat them." " We did real good today, guys." " I'm pretty happy." "Man, this day could not get any better." "Hi, boys." "Can we have a hot dog?" "You know, I don't know if we have" "You know, we have three left, actually." " Perfect." " Yes, you are." "Why are you guys so wet?" "Well, we all got dumped yesterday by our boyfriends." "What better way to get over things than to go on the log flume." "That is such an awesome plan." "We also wanted to make out with some guys so we could feel better about ourselves." "Would you guys be okay with that?" " One second." " Yeah, just one minute." "We accept your offer." "Begin." "You want your gum back?" "Because" "I'll keep it." "Bless you." "Wet girls." "All right, boys, we should be in Flaglestown by 8." "Not if you continue to drive 30 miles an hour, man." "Come on." " Move your wiener." " That's illegal." "Hey." "Tuck your ass in, old lady." "Wyatt, why are old people passing us?" "What is going on?" "I don't know." "The pedal must be busted." "I'm flooring it." "Could it be that your gas tank is on empty?" "Crap." "Hey, slow up there" " Jesus Christ." "All right, all right, all right." "Come on, witch" "Hey, lady." "Hey." "Gotta stop." "Come on" " This is bullshit." "Calm down, you're gonna hurt yourself." "Hey, we got an RV, boys." "What makes you think an RV is gonna pick us up?" "Come on, man, we surrender." "Hey, he's stopping." "He's stopping, come on." "He's stopping." "Hey, he's stopping." " Oh, man." " He's stopping." "He's stopping." "I'm Felicia Applebaum, and that's my husband Frank." " Oh, I'm Wyatt." " I'm Ben." "I'm Joel." "Hey, this is nice." "Hey, it's just like having the kids in the car again." "No, we just really appreciate the ride." " Don't worry about it." " Oh, nonsense." "Happy we can help out." "So where are you guys from?" " From Chitown, Joel." " Chicago." " The Windy City." " Cool." "But now we are just touring God's green earth." "It's the life, boys." "No commitments, we go wherever we want, whenever we want." " That's awesome." " Yeah." "Cool." "Me and the missus, we've made love in 34 states." "We're driving along, we get a hankering, we pull over right there in the back seat, where you're sitting." "Might be some stains back there." " I cleaned them." " Oh, yeah." "We collected a decal from every state we've made it in." "Yeah, we got decals from 34 states, and the District of Columbia." "The Washington Monument, sticking straight up in the air?" "Hey, those tourists'll never forget it." "Are you guys hungry?" "Oh, I've got some trail mix, okay." "And I've got some homemade dried apricots." "Frank here bought me a dehydrator for our anniversary." " Just the one." " Okay." " Okay." " Thanks." "Who wants a treat?" "Who's a good girl?" "Yes, she is." "Who's a good girl?" "Yes, she is." "Give Daddy a kiss." "Down, girl, down." "Down." "It's okay." "Daddy'll give you a bone later." "Oh, yeah, the kids loved that one." "How many kids do you have?" "Three boys." "Three tigers." "Yes, sir, they know their way around the ladies." "Yeah, our oldest, Carl, he lost his virginity when he was 16." " Back of a Chevy." " No, honey, that was Bob." "Carl was down in the basement on top of the dirty clothes." "Oh, yeah." "Jesus, screaming, all that noise." " I thought the cat was in heat." " Oh, I know." "We don't have a cat." "So have you guys been to the festival before?" "No, I've never been to Flaglestown." "Yeah, us too." "Us too, us too." "Virgin territory for me and my freaky-deaky." "Oh, my gosh." " Yes." " We might have to christen it?" " I hope so." "I'm so ready." " Ready?" " Right now." " All right." " Somebody grab the wheel." " No!" "No, no, no!" "Oh, I'm watching old people do it." "And again, you have our number if you need a place to crash." "Hey, hey, but be prepared." "There might be da noise and or da funk being brought in tonight." "Look at you, you are so hip." "Oh, wait, hey, you got some of my soft serve on your chin there." "You're so sweet, you're so sweet." "Bye." "I'm a lucky guy." "I mean, you know at least we got a place to crash." "Are you nuts?" "That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." "Really?" "Even more disgusting than that time we caught your dad..." "...in the tub tugging his myagi?" " He was scratching." "Didn't know you could scratch like this." "Shut up." "We agreed that he was" "Dude, do you have my wallet?" "What's that, a black thing?" "I ain't got your wallet." " You got my wallet?" " No." "Hey, barfy." "Do you have our wallets?" "Oh, man, what--?" "No, no." "Hey." "No, don't bother, don't bother." "What the hell?" "Wet girls." "We accept your offer." "Begin." "Unbelievable." "I am gonna find those wet bitches if it's the last thing I do." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "How are you gonna go about doing that?" "I gotta pee." "I'll drive across this state 50 times if I have to." "Really?" "We need to make money tonight." "Instead of giving out hot dogs, we're selling them." " No." "I took an oath." " You didn't take an oath, retard." "I did take an oath, with myself, oka--?" "You don't know everything." "Okay, what's your great idea?" "Oh, my gosh." "Hey, Timmy O'Shaemus?" "Don't you live down the block?" "I go where I'm needed, mister." "That's great." " Can you spare some change?" " Oh, Timmy, my wallet" " I am strapped for cash." " You're a real douche." "And you have a small dick." "What the--?" "Timmy?" " I told you what the plan is." " No, you didn't." " Yes, I did." " No." " Why are you provoking me?" " Check this out." "It's perfect." "You shopping for thongs or something?" "Thongs?" "What?" "No" " Oh, no." "No, no, no." "Hot bod competition." "For buff boy here." " No." "No." " Yes." "Yes." "You know that I don't like competitive stuff." "He forgot to read the fine print, $1 0 entry fee." "We don't have cash, last time I checked." "Crap, we need $1 0?" "Are you Wyatt Fabio Goldstein?" " Yeah." " I've been looking for you for 15 years." "Here you go." "I finally can retire now." "That was my last delivery." "I'm free." "Vacations, singles cruises, Club Med, Hawaii." "I've got my whole life ahead of me." "Life begins today." "What is it?" "I don't know." "It looks like it's a card or something from my nana." ""Happy Birthday, Wy-Wy, you're a perfect 10." "Don't spend it all in one place."" "Good old Nana." "I love her." "Candy's on me, boys." "No king-size." "Wait." "Did you actually count that?" "Yeah, that's 10." "Here you go." "Bingo." "You're in." "All right." "We'll get more." "We'll get more." " I hate you both." " You better win." "He's kind of hot." "Yeah." "But he's got that beer gut." "No, no, no." "No competition." "Yeah, have a couple more beers, there, cowboy." "Good idea." "You suck." "I smell booty." "Keep your fucking eye on the ball, Benny." "Run." "Run like you got an ex-con on your ass." "Take control." "You're a defender, for Christ's sake." "Kick him in the damn shin." "Hey, defence, you suck." "Losers." "Hey, Mom, can I have some Gatorade?" "No." "You stop fucking up on the field out there and you can have some Gatorade." "Get out there and kill those bastards." "Come on, hustle." "Come on." "Come on." " What are you doing, man?" "Get ready." " Come on." "It's time to grease up." "Come on, man, snap out of it." "No, Mommy, no more games." "I don't wanna play anymore." " Hey!" " Ben?" "What we gonna do for money?" "No." "No." "I'm not gonna-- Get out of the way!" "Get out!" "No, you should know better." "Watch out." "Get out, move, watch it." "He's got a tail like" "Oh, where is fire?" "Where is forest fire?" " I'm so sorry." " Hey." "Let me help you up." "I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean to-- I didn't" " Are you okay?" "I am fine." "But I am built like ox." "You are frail like mosquito." "What is your name?" " I'm Ben." " Ben." "My name is Walrus Boy." "Nice to meet you." "Why you run around here like scared banshee from hellfire?" "I was gonna do the hot bod competition." "Brilliant!" "I am on my way there now." "The Countess Carlotta will be there and I plan on stealing a kiss from her tonight." " Come on." "Let us go." " No." "You don't understand." " I don't wanna be in the competition." " Why not?" " You have hot bod." " Well, I appreciate that." " Yeah." " But no." "I can't." " I don't compete." "My mother" " Say no more." "Walrus Boy know that tune." " Come sit on my balls." " Okay." "I have story to tell you, Ben." "The story of a boy." "Born with flipper." "He did not have wiggly fingers like other boys." "He made fun of." "He pelted with rocks." "He was even urinated on, Ben." "Pissed on." "But now" "That boy is famous Walrus Boy actor." "And that actor would be you?" "Of course it is me, Ben." "It's me, Walrus Boy." "I famous actor." "Let me tell you something." "The reason I am successful." "I take negative past and turn into positive future." "The point is, Ben never let the evil of the past poison the fruit of your present." "Stupid." "What a waste of 10 bucks." "Hey, man, I said we could have had candy." "Hand me that butter." "Wait a second." "Does this mean that I'm not gonna--?" "Whatever." "Let's do this." "What's with the fat guy?" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "We won!" " I won!" " We won!" "Yes!" "We won!" " Yeah." "Yes." "We won!" " We won." "Look, I'm smoking, guys." "I don't know what to say." "Thanks, everybody." "Thank you, Flaglestown and good night." "Man, you were awesome." "That hippity-hopping around on the stage." " I didn't know you had it in you." " Me neither." "I owe it to Walrus Boy for showing me to stand up for myself." "Walrus Boy?" "You know him?" "I just talked to him about an hour ago." "I didn't get a chance to thank him." "He died in '46." "I'm just messing with you." "We play Hold 'Em on Wednesdays." "I'll tell him you said thanks." "So we got the best suite Flaglestown has to offer." "Excuse me." "Hey, I wanted to tell you, you were amazing out there." "Your body is ripped-tastic." "Hey, thanks, man." "Will you sign my pecs?" "Absolutely." " It's Barri but with an I." " Oh, all right." "All right." "Here." "B-- That's an awesome name, man." " I'll just use your nipple to dot the I." " Nice." "Stay firm." "Know what I'm talking about?" "Ben." " That's a nice six-pack there, buddy." " Oh, thanks, man." " But I'd kill for these." " Oh, dude." "Come on, man." " Nice to meet you." " You keep it firm." "Yeah, man, abs not flabs, you know what I mean?" "Stay off the sugar." "Sugar's the enemy." "Yeah, man." "No carbs." "Man." "You are like a celebrity around here." "That's so awesome." "You are like a gay celebrity." " What?" " Yeah, that was pretty gay." "You guys touching abs and stuff like that." "That was" "I wonder if he's the prize at the gay booth?" " Could you sign me?" " Yeah, could you sign my abs?" "Do something with my belly button." "Do something fun." " You got nice abs." " No, you have the hotness." "Are you guys" " Are you children?" "You couple of ass clowns, you're both pathetic." "You're pathetic slobs." "Mama told me she liked my belly." "It's prosthetic." " That means rubber." " Yeah." "And I get phantom pains, it itches." "You know, sometimes I think it was God made me drink that Jägermeister, stick my arm in that concrete mixer." "So stupid." "I don't know what I did, it must've been real bad." " I don't know, it's" " Bobby, Bobby, Bobby." "Son, listen to me for just a second." "People get sick of hearing about your stories." "Don't wanna hear them stupid stories no more." "Yeah, I got your arm." "Yeah, I got your arm." "I'm gonna keep your arm too." "I'm gonna keep it." "What smells like corn on the cob?" "You still wearing that butter?" "Yeah." "I like the way it feels on me." "What's happening to you?" "Guys, remember when I said I had a surprise for you in New Mexico?" " No." " No." "Oh, I forgot." "I have a surprise for you in New Mexico." "I'll give you a hint:" "Sixth grade." "Miss Isaac?" " Hottest teacher ever." " You're kidding, right?" "No, remember when she used to say she would quit it all and move to New Mexico?" " Yeah." " Well, colour me Google because I found her on the Internet." "And I told her we'll be driving through." "Miss Isaac." "Parallelogram." "Miss Boobies." "I've dreamt about this day for years." "What'd I tell you?" "What'd I tell you?" "Look who it is." "I never thought I'd see you little birds again." "Bet you missed these." " Miss Isaac?" " Who else do you think it is, dumbass?" "Give me a squeeze." "Well, Wyatt, I see you still got that twisted hot dog obsession, huh?" "Nice." "Don't stand there like a bunch of boners, lunch is on in five." "Come on." "Thank you for ruining my sixth grade fantasy." " She's so disgusting." " Guys, she's still a person." "Is she?" "It's hot as crotch out here." "I'm sweating my balls off." "You know what you boys need?" "A Mexican blowjob." " A what?" " Mexican blowjob." "Tequila, whipped cream." "Tequila?" "It's 11:30." " You know, for me that's early" " Yeah, I mean, it's" "That's too early for" " Down the hatch." " Okay." "One shot." "Yeah." "That really gets you going." " Come on, bitches." " Miss Isaac, I really shouldn't." "I'm driving." "We all need to be alert because we're all navigators." "We need to keep our eyes on the road." "Wise words." "But do I want to get drunk?" "I wanna get drunk, but we gotta go, so...." "Fine, you pansies." "Fine." " You don't need" " Careful with your teeth." "How many was that?" "I think that was five." "Five." "Time for lunch, eses." "Hope you like egg salad, it's my speciality." "All right." "That's a really healthy way to prepare that." "So you live by yourself out here?" "Ever since that rat bastard left me for the gas station slut." "Hope she likes wearing the ball gag." "I don't miss that." "Well, you know what they say that every cloud...." "That every cloud has...." "Something." "So now it's just me and my Benny named after my favourite student." "Come to Mama, Benny." "How's life treating you boys?" "Just fine, I guess." "Well, it was nice to visit your old teach." "You haven't changed a bit." "You, either?" "Yeah, right." "How do you like living out here by yourself?" " Are you happy out here?" " What is not to love, you know?" "I am living like a New Mexican queen." "Enough, all right?" "Enough." "Any who, guess what I made you boys for dessert?" "Tapioca pudding." "And I made it with my own two hands." "I think I ate that sandwich too fast." "It was tasty." " We gotta go." "I just realised." " Yeah." " We're on the clock." " I thought this was a booty call" "Miss Isaac?" " What the hell just happened?" " Is she dead?" "I don't know." " And I don't wanna find out." " I've never checked a pulse." " Get it, touch her wrist." " I don't wanna" " She's back." " That narcolepsy's a bitch." "Sometimes I'm out for a few seconds, sometimes a few hours." "I better say goodbye to you boys now." "Once they start" "Dude, what the hell is wrong with this lady?" "We are leaving right now." "Right." "Well, I mean, should we, well, I guess she said goodbye." "Yeah, she said goodbye." "We're saying goodbye right now." "Thank you for lunch, Miss Isaac, bye-bye." "Thanks, Miss Isaac." "Bye-bye." "You can't just leave her here like this." " Just get in and shut up!" " Ben." "Let me just" " I'll just put something underneath so she" "At least she doesn't hurt her head or anything." "Oh, God." "Oh, God, no." "Wyatt." "Come on, come on." "Hurry!" "I still can't believe that's the same person." "I still can't believe that's the same person." "Yeah, she was pretty narsty." "I don't think I can jerk off to her anymore." "You don't think?" " Hey, buddy." " Hey, man." " Antacid?" " What, you nervous or something?" "No, it's just that" " Come on." "I thought since we was a couple days away you was getting nervous." "What?" "No." "No, no, that's funny, though, that's funny." "No, it's" "It's a couple days away." "Well, that's good." " Let's go, boys." " Let's go." "Help me, Wyatt." "Don't put on too much gel, damn it." "You need to lose some of that extra weight." "I don't like looking at your rolls when I'm getting my makeup done." "No one should have to watch that shit jiggle." "Who the hell is that in my studio?" "I think it's time to shut you up." "Permanently." "Dwayne." "Joel, you're shaking in your boots, son." "And I bet right about now, your palms are sweatier than a fat man's ass crack on a hot Georgia day." "Oh, Joel, even in your dreams you're a pathetic coward!" "It's like he's content being a shoe boy." "I can tell you miss the smell in your dumb ass face." "You can't beat me, Joel." "I'm a PhD doctor, son." "Where's Joel?" "Hey." "What?" "Where's Joel?" "What the--?" "There's a note on my chest." "Look at this." ""Guys, I'm really sorry to do this...."" "But I have to go home." "I just can't take the chance of getting humiliated again." "This whole thing was a mistake." "I've taken 300 bucks and I'm gonna buy a bus ticket." "I'm sorry." ""Joel."" "Wyatt, we have to find him." "All right, Wyatt, let's go." " Here you go." " Why don't you pick up your bag--?" "I'm sorry." "Where do you think you're going?" "Oh, I'm fine." "Are you all right?" "Bathroom's where I say it is." "What are you looking at?" " Me?" " Joel, it's me, Timmy." "Timmy O'Shaemus from down the block." "You remember." "Timmy, he has too many demons." "Joel, don't give up." "Fight him." "You've gotta fight him." "Grape fizz burp." "I'm sure you miss the smell of those in your dumb ass face." " Drake?" " Who else would it be, stupid bitch?" "No." "No." "Leave me alone, leave me alone." " Leave me alone." " Where are you going, loser?" "Where you going, loser?" "Oh, God." "Where are you going?" "Relax and enjoy the show, vagina face." "Hey, toolbox, why you digging in the garbage?" "You looking for your filthy mother?" "No." "I'm reducing, reusing and recycling." "Mrs. Yazel lets me leave Math-a-letes early." "I'm in the Recycling Club." "You're in the Gaylord Club, you little douche bag." "You're about to join the Smashed Face Club." "No, Drake." "See, I don't wanna join the Smashed Face Club." "It's entertaining." "Oh, saved by the bell, huh?" " Oh, God." " Or should I say burned by it." "All right, nothing to see here." "Oh, this is my favourite part." " You remember." " Pull your pants up." "Oh, what, like none of you guys have ever farted before?" "Oh, my God, look." "Gross, it wasn't just a fart." "Poo pants, poo pants, poo pants, poo pants." "Oh, I hated that name." "It's a good name." "Never again." "Never again!" "Pucker up, pussycats." "Now who's the meat?" "Hold it right there, you damn, dirty hippies." "There'll be no branding today." "He had to go." "Welcome back." "Sorry I took so long, boys." " Yeah!" " Yes!" "That's right." " Good work, guys." " Yes, sir." " What got into you?" " Right?" "That was awesome, man." "Let's go." "If we ride through the night, we can reach L.A. by daybreak." "It was a good thing we had all that climbing rope handy." "Yeah, I heard that." "Guys." "Guys, look." "Hollywood, Hollywood." "Ninety-one exit." "Next exit." " Oh, my goodness." " We made it." "Hey, Joel I wanna see you kick serious ass." " The smack is on." " Absolutely." " Down." " The smack is down, uptown." "I was wondering, is it illegal?" "Is that a crime?" "You know what I'm saying?" " Could I go to jail for kicking his ass?" " Absolutely not." "I think revenge is actually legal in America, so...." "Good morning, ma'am." "See your driver's licence?" "Where we going, gentlemen?" "It's all right." "I'm here to see Dr. Dwayne." " I know him." " You and the rest of America." "You got any tickets?" "Not technically, no, we don't have tickets." "Tough break, kid, I wish I could help you." " Now get lost." " What?" " State your name." " What?" "State your name." "State your name and purpose." "What are you--?" "Oh, my God!" "She--!" "What kind of officer are you, man?" "Jesus!" "My God, that woman is still twitching." "Jeez, what the hell do we do now?" "Hi there." "Sorry, I wanted to actually come over and apologise for what had happened earlier." "We might have got off on the wrong foot." "I'm Ben." " Jim." " Nice to meet you, Jim." "Listen, we're not here to break in to anywhere we're not trying to do anything wrong." "We wanna spread happiness." "Happiness in the form of a good wiener." "Maybe you'd like a little mustard, a little ketchup, a little meat." "You're reaching for your winter parka and it's the Fourth of July, okay?" "You can't see the flame from the firecracker, and you know what?" "You are about to blow." "Do you understand me when I use the word--?" "You." "I'll kill you, Dwayne." "Well, well, well." "Boys." " Joel." " Dr. Dwayne?" "There's two of them." "I knew it." "Joel, meet decoy." "Decoy, meet Joel." "I'm getting paid, y'all." "You know, you can't be too careful." "I heard about you after your incident at the gate so I sent decoy out to do the show, just in case." "That thing on your face is nasty, son." "Don't look at me, son, don't look at me." "It's okay, everyone." "Okay?" "I'm okay." "We'll take care of this right away, Dr. Dwayne." "Get your hands off of me." "Wait a second, Dwayne." "I came here to say something and I'm gonna say it." "Okay, boys, keep them rolling." "So, Joel what's on your mind?" "My girlfriend dumped me." "I lost my job." "I lived on chips for months." "My life fell to shit because of you." "Joel." "You make my toes perspire, they're so warm and toasty from the fire inside of you." "And you know what that means?" "It means you're a man now." "It means that you have faced your fears." "It means you overcame Drake Hanswald." "Wait." "What?" "How did you know that?" "I'm a PhD doctor, son, you can't eat the onion without peeling it." "I mean, if you think about it, getting dumped, what I did for you:" "Best thing in the world." "Right?" "Oh, my God." "You're right." "I think you changed my life for the better." "Yes." "Yes." "Release that prisoner." "Release him to my arms." "Now." "Wyatt Fabio Goldstein." "Yeah, what--?" "What's happening, Dr. Dwayne?" "Rejected 12 times." "That is a whole heap of rejection." "But now, it's surprise time right here on the Dr. Dwayne Show." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Cornelius Worthington III." "How are you, Wyatt?" "Okay." "Hey, you're that junkie from behind the dumpster." "Guilty as charged." "Yeah, that was me, everyone." "Down on my luck, hopped up on gack urinating on myself just to feel my legs." "But you saved me." "You saved me with a hot dog and a smile." " I thank you for it, Wyatt." " No" " No problem, junkie man." "Mr. Worthington." "Hey, cut it out, Wyatt." "Let's cut to the chase." "I wanna finance Wyatt's Wieners." " Really?" "Are you serious?" " Oh, yeah." " I'm dead serious." " Cornelius Worthington III!" "Mama, I got money." "Mama, I got money." "You all see that?" "Surprises and dreams come true right here on the Dr. Dwayne Show." "Gosh darn it, I feel like I just peeked up the tooth fairy's skirt and poured myself a plate of lasagna." "That's how I feel." "Tin Man, I bet you got some fire to get off that perfectly sculpted chest." "You know what?" "You know what, Dr. Dwayne?" "I think I do." "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Ben." " Hi, Ben." " Listen, I've realised a lot on this trip with my best friends, but the one thing that I'm realising the most is that this whole rat race this circus that we call life it's really all about love." "I-O-V-E." "And it doesn't matter if you love someone that's white or black." "Whether you love a girl or you love a man." "Thank you." "Now, that is some insightful chatter, Ben." "Well, audience." "There's a moonbeam full of pleasure in the unexpected." "But if you wanna make it across that pond don't let the fear of hypothermia keep you from skating right on across it." "If the thing opens up and starts to swallow you make sure you got a friend out there to throw you a rope." " That's a cut." " Now get these fuckers off my set." "Someone get me a soy latte." "Come on, people, I'm Dr. Dwayne." " Holy shit, dude." " That was insane." "Unbelievable." " This trip was a good thing." " Yeah." "Thank you." "Thanks." "You know this, but I'm gonna say it anyway." "You're the two best friends a guy could ever have." "What the--?" "Eat egg, you sappy bitch." "No, not my face." "Not my face." "It's my instrument, you bitch." "Did you see that?" "This is an accomplishment, Joel." "You've got somebody afraid of you." "People fear me." "I like this." "I think we can go home now." "Ben, can we get serious for a moment?" "Absolutely, man, what's up?" " Do you think I look like Beyoncé?" " No." " I mean, not in the eyes?" " No." " The mouth?" " No." "Whatever, you don't know anything." "Get me a soy latte." "Son, you need to look at me when I'm talking to you." "But Dr. Dwayne, I am looking at you." "Okay, I can't work like this." "Who the hell hired the cockeyed sumbitch?" "Oh, goddamn it, y'all, come on." "I'm Dr. Dwayne." "A mark." "Oh, my gosh." "I had a gay moment." "I had my first, my first gay moment." "Gibberish." " You did not take an oath, retard." " Yes, I did take an oath, with my" "You don't know everything." "F*** me." "I'm gonna back up one." "Hold on." "I'm a team player, here I go." "How many was that?" "Shit." "Hold on." "He was laughing." "Help her." "Help her now." "All right, ready." " Okay, cut, we'll pick it up." " Sorry." "Grape" " F***." "That was his fault." "Clueless?" "Perhaps you meant..." "...brilliant!" " No, I didn't mean brilliant." "I will hurl my body out of this car, I swear to God." "I mean it, I've always thought about doing it." "Go ahead, we're not moving anymore." "Do you understand what I mean?" "What I'm talking about when I say blow?" "You" " What?" "I wasn't supposed to last that long." "I thought you were gonna cut me off." " Mark." " There isn't a cloud in the sky." "It's like a blank canvas, full of hope and possibilities." "You know, my nana used to say it was like a naked virgin waiting to be ploughed from behind while playing with her boobies." "Maybe tickling her anus." "Okay." "Camera set?" "When we get there, there's a certain resident by the name of Dr. Dwayne." "Ever heard of him?" "Ruined our friend's life." "It's dirty." "I don't like dirt." "Chitown, Joel, the Windy City." "But now we are just touring God greens" "But now we are just touring God" "But now we are just touring the earth of something." " Cut." " Well, we're okay, I guess." "All right." "That's enough." "Can you pull this beast off at the next exit?" "That is ridiculous." "No problem." "Hold for coughs." "I smoked so many blunts last night." "All right." "Pull over right now!" "A marker."