"Thatwasmy husband's Fordgalaxy." "WedroveJamiehomefrom  thehospitalin thatcar ." "Mymomwas40 whenshehadme." "Everyonetoldhershe  wastoooldtobeamother ." "Iputmy hand throughthelittlewindow, andhe'dsqueezemyfinger, andI 'dtellhim lifewasverybig  andunknown." "Andshetoldmethat  therewereanimals andskyandcities music,movies." "He'dfallin love, havehisownchildren, havepassions,havemeaning, havehismomand dad ." "Whentheygotdivorced, myfathermovedbackeast  andleftthecar withus." "Hecallson birthdays andChristmas." "LasttimeIfeltclosetohim  wasonmy birthdayin1974 ." "Heboughtme  mirroredsunglasses." "Isawthepresident falldownthestairs andI threwup  onthecarpet." "Sincethen it'sjustbeenus." "I don't understand." "What about you?" "I'm staying here with him 'til the plane gets safely away." "No, Richard, no." "What has happened to you?" "Last night we-- - last night we said a great many things." "Listen, captain, i am having a party tonight, it's my birthday actually, and I would like you to drop by so I can feed you." "It's not necessary, Mrs. fields." "No, dorothea." "No, i-i insist." "Please?" "Thatwayi-ican thankyou." "That was a beautiful car." "Mom, it smelled like gas and overheated all the time and it was just old." "What?" "Well it wasn't always old." "It just got that way all of a sudden." "You know when the firemen come people don't usually invite them over for dinner." "Yeah?" "Why not?" "Why can't she just move on and be happy with me rather than..." "Lingering on him?" "My mom just makes me feel like I'm not good enough." "It's just, I'm constantly being compared to my dad." "Oh, hey, sorry." "Uh, Jamie's not here right now." "They're not home." "Don't." "I'm taking a picture of everything that happens to me in a day." "I don't like having my pictures taken." "I didn't happen to you." "Hello?" " Hey." " Hi." "Hi." "Here." "You okay?" " You aren't gonna believe what happened." "What?" "Our car burst into flames in the parking lot." " It wh-- - seriously?" " Are you okay?" " Yeah." "You know, we're okay." "How did it happen?" "Well I don't know." "They-they said it was probably just something electrical." "We walked out and it was just sitting there on fire." "Oh, man." " Yeah." " I'm sorry." "So... what happened?" "They never tell you anything, i-- they won't" "I won't know anything for like a week." "Oh." "And I'm-I'm gonna be late on rent." "That's okay." "Don't worry about that." "Thanks." "Oh, god." "What if you had been in the car?" "I wouldn't be here." "You would've missed me?" "Don't joke." "It was so much easier before you got all horny." "It-it's not like you don't..." "Do it?" "Friends can't have sex and still be friends." "I like us like we are, okay?" "Okay." "Jamie!" "Could you come help me set up, please?" "Can my mom just chill out?" "She's compensating for her loneliness." "Dorothea, all that is really beautiful molding there." " It is." " I want to continue that around the side." "Right so we're gonna have to re-match that." "Now is that- is that actually wood..." " That is wood." " ..." "Or is that plaster?" "No, the plaster is underneath it." "The molding on the outside there is wood." "So..." " Okay." "It's gonna take a little bit of time, but..." "Well, we've got..." "Okay, no, it's good." "Actually, it was, it was built in 1905, and the same family had it forever, but they lost all their money during the war, and then there was a fire and-- you should've been here for that." "Anyway, so, it was just a mess." "They let it fall apart." "Then a bohemian inherited it in the '60s, then a bunch of free spirits moved in, and they lost it to the bank." "It's beautiful." "Oh, i-i completely fell in love with it." "We're connected to the dirt 'cause we came from the dirt." "The dirt is made of stars and stardust in the same way we are, so when you put your hands into that dirt and feel the earth mother..." " Uh, William?" " Mm-hmm?" "It looks as though I'm gonna be in need of a car." "Do you think you have something for me out there, cheap?" "Maybe that '49 deluxe?" "I think we can work something out." "Maybe we'll trade for rent or something." " Thank you." " Sure." "Okay." "Got through that one." "All right." "Just, um give me a minute and then come out." "Mymomwasbornin1924." "Whenshewasmyage peopledrovein sadcars tosadhouses witholdphones, nomoney,or food, ortelevisions butthepeoplewerereal ." "Whenshewas16,  thewarbrokeout  andshehadtoleaveschool." "Herdreamwastobeapilot intheairforce." "Sheactuallywent toflightschool." "Butthewarended beforeshewasdone." "Shebecamethefirstwoman towork in the continental can company draftingroom." "Thenshemetmydad andthenIcame." "Thentheygotdivorced." "Butpeoplefromher time neveradmit anythingwentwrong." " What do you mean?" " I'm sorry." "He's too young to have an account in his name only, little guy." "No." "He-he's a person." "He's not half a person, and he's not some cute little guy." "He has volition and autonomy and privacy." "He needs a bank account." "Can you do that for us?" "Now, Jamie, you can't just keep skipping school and making excuses." "Well wait a minute, why not?" "Why can't he just skip school if he-if he has a legitimate need to be away?" "Well, then I need a legitimate real note from you..." " Okay." " ..." "With your real signature." "Wow, how did you forge my signature so well?" "That is ingenious!" "But you should never forge someone's signature or do anything behind someone's back." "PleaseexcuseJamie fromschoolthismorning." "Hewasdoingvolunteerwork  forthesandinistas." "PleaseexcuseJamie fromschoolthismorning." "Hewasinvolvedin asmallplaneaccident." "Fortunatelyhewasnot hurt." "You're gonna be in for a legendary surprise." "It's mahogany underneath." "She'salwaystryingtobring amanintomylife ." "This is probably Honduran mahogany." "Really fine, very..." "This is, like, really, really boring." " Hey, watch it." " He's talking about, like, wood and stuff." "He's helping me out." "Restore the house, okay?" "IBM?" "Shewritesdownher stocks everymorning." "213.2." "Ge?" "Um, 51.62." "Shesmokessalems becausethey'rehealthier, wearsbirkenstocks becauseshe'scontemporary." "Shereadwatershipdown andlearnedhowto carverabbitsoutofwood ." "Andsheneverdatesaman  forverylong." "Thank you, bye bye." "Good night, dorothea." " Good night." " Bye." "So, I'll see ya later." "Just don't hang out with that Chris guy anymore, okay?" " Good night." " He's a skeez and he's kinda dumb." " Exactly." " Good night, dorothea." " Happy birthday." " Bye, Julie." "Stop." "What?" "Thinking that you know everything that's going on." "No, I don-- i just think that, you know, having your heart broken is a tremendous way to learn about the world." "Okay." "Do you think you're happy?" "Like as happy as you thought you'd be when you were my age?" "Seriously?" "You don't ask people questions like that." "You're my mom." "Especially your mom." "Look, wondering if you're happy is a great shortcut to just being depressed." "Give me that." "What is that?" "It's the raincoats." "Can't things... just be pretty?" ""Pretty" music is used to hide how unfair and corrupt society is." "Ah." "Okay, so, they're not very good, and they know that, right?" "Yeah, it's..." "It's like they got all this, this feeling, and they don't have any skill, and they don't want skill, because it's really interesting what happens when your passion is bigger than the tools" "you have to deal with it." "It creates this energy that's-that's-that's raw." "Isn't it great?" "Mysonwasbornin1964." "Hegrewup  witha meaninglesswar withprotests, withNixon withnicecars andnicehouses..." "Iknowhimlesseveryday." "Hesaidit wasjustagame." "Youbreatherealhard andanotherkid pullsonyourdiaphragm andyoufaint." "Hesaidyou'resupposed tocometo  afewsecondslater..." "Hey, can I try?" "ButittookJamiealmost ahalfan hourtowake up." "Going to get help!" "You all right?" "He's fine." "Can you tell me your name?" "Jamie fields." "You got lucky this time." "Lack of oxygen to the brain can cause brain damage, comas... even death." "Jamie, why would you do something so dangerous?" "I don't know." "Um..." "I mean, everyone was doing it." "So you just went along with it?" " It looked like fun." " That's just dumb." "Why would you do something so stupid?" "Just following along?" "You-you know you almost died, right?" " You don't need to worry about me." " Why didn't you think?" "Jamie!" "Hey!" "Jamie..." "What-what is going on?" "What, why-- what?" "You're not gonna talk to me now?" "I'm not the one who doesn't talk." "What?" "Come on." "You scared the hell out of me!" "Why-why did you hurt yourself like that?" "Why do you smoke yourself to death?" "Hey!" "Why are you fine being sad and alone?" "I, uh..." "I... you... you c-- you can't talk to me like that." "We don't-- you don't say that to me." "I think history has been tough on men." "I mean, they can't be what they were, and they can't figure out what's next." "What are we talking about?" "Men?" "I think history and men?" "I mean who are your heroes nowadays?" "A bunch of privileged drug addicts?" "Ithinkmaybeyou guys canhelpme withJamie." "I think..." "He needs help in figuring out how to be himself in all this mess." "And I can't be there." "I can't be there with him." "I have to let go." "Is this because of the fainting thing?" "He's fine." " No." "It's because of everything." "I don't understand what-- what are you asking?" "Well, how do you be a good man?" "What does that even mean nowadays?" "He's-he's only got me." "It's just-- think about it." "It's not enough." " You're serious?" " Yeah." "What about William?" "William's a guy." "That's-- he can talk to him about guy things." "Have you ever seen them have a conversation?" "They have nothing in common." "They don't connect." "This is not working." "I mean, I thought about that." "He..." "Well, he likes you and you." "He likes you a lot." "That-that's..." " He's my friend." "I don't want to be his mom." "Yeah, no." "I'm his mom." "I mean don't you need a man to raise a man?" "No." "I don't think so." "I mean," "I think you're what's gonna work for him." "I mean you know him better than anyone." "You know that, and..." "You care about him." "You can watch out for him." "And you just share your life." "You're a talented person." "Show him what you're interested in." "You know, he would be lucky to have that." "Help me with what?" "Oh, go through this part of your life." "It's not easy." "It's not easy for anybody." " You asked them to help me?" " Yeah." "No, they-they get it." "So they said yes?" "Yeah." " Fuck." " Hey!" "You just feel guilty 'cause it's just me and you." "You don't know what I'm feeling." "Just tell me." "Kid..." "You never tell me what you're gonna do." "You just do it." "I got the keys to my stepmom's car." "I'm going to the starwood." "Ow!" "Tanya and Michelle are both gonna be there." "Hey, you guys going to la?" "Yeah, I am." "Can I come?" "...kissed a girl?" "Are you ready?" "Are you gonna-are you gonna get with some chick there?" "That was Jamie." "He is in, uh, la." "He and some friends went to a show." " Oh." " Yeah." "He wanted me to tell you." "Okay." "Aren't you worried or" "he's mad at me and this is his way of dealing with it and he has every right to be mad." "Yeah, but if it makes him this mad, then maybe it wasn't a good idea." "Maybe..." "Maybe I did the wrong thing." "Oh, i-  with the kid, I mean." " Yeah, I know." "I think that Jamie's energy is very unstable." "Yeah." "Well, you're right." "Then, though, there's an energy crisis." "Maybe that plays into it in some way." "I'm sorry." "You don't have very many funny lines, do you?" "Okay." "Jamie?" "Jamie?" "Hey." "Hey." "Everything okay?" "Yeah." "Can I come in?" "Sure." "So I had this new idea for-for my photography that I was gonna take a picture of everything that I owned so it would be a self-portrait of myself through the stuff that I have." "Can I show you?" "That's a bra, birth control, um, photography by Susan sontag, shoes, underwear, a picture of a picture of my mom." "I'm gonna do a bunch of 'em." "It's a little bit-- it's a little bit sad." "You know, all this stuff together." "I don't know why that is." "Not" " I mean..." "Do you know what I mean?" "It's really beautiful, Abbie." "Do you want to fool around..." "With me?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I do." "You know, I'm recovering from cervical cancer." "I know." "Your hair smells good." "I make my own shampoo." "Of course you do." "Oh." "It's okay, jeeves, he's back." "You can relax now." "Where were you?" "I went to the starwood." "Saw a show in la." "Had a lot of fun." "Are you drunk?" "Don't." "What's wrong?" "Tim trammer came inside me." "I don't want to hear this shit." "Webrokeintothatoldpool atthereccenter." "Gotloaded." "Fuckedaround." "AndmeandTim endedup inhismom'sMaverick." "Did you just cum?" "Yeah." "You said you'd pull out." "Yeah." "Sorry." "I thought we had a deal there." "Fuck." "What are you gonna do?" "It'll be fine." "Your mom asked me to, like, help raise you." "Yeah, I know." "She was raised in the depression." "Everyone helped raise everyone." "You know, the whole neighborhood raised the kids." "Sorry." "Can we do therapy?" "Jesus, I don't want to do therapy right now." " Let's just role play." " Please, no." "I'll be your mom, and you can tell her what you want to tell her." "Just do it." " I don't want to talk to my mom right now." " What would you say to her?" "Okay." "I don't need your help, mom." "I've got it." "I'm okay." "Um, I'm gonna need a story." "What?" "A story." " What do you mean?" " Like a... a story." "Um... where..." "I'm..." "I'm just a normal woman, and you're a photographer, and so you're photographing me, but while you're doing it you can't help yourself, and you start touching me." "And you touch me and you say..." ""I'm sorry." "I'm sorry."" "Really?" "I can't just be myself?" "No." "Okay, so-- do I just, uh..." " Okay." "Hey, nice to meet you." " Oh, hi." "Do I just look in the camera, or should I look..." "Off to the side?" "Let's start that way, looking at the camera." "Okay." "Should I smile?" " Do you like to smile?" " Yeah." " Okay." " Okay." "Uh, oh, you took it." "I thought you were gonna say like, "one, two, three..."" " No." " Okay." " I just wait for the moment." " Okay." " I just have to fix something." " Okay." " Just right here." " Um, oh." " I'm sorry." " Oh, god." "No, it's all right." "I don't mind." "I'm just-- never done this before." "I, um, so I'm just a little bit nervous, but, um, i can, um, wear my hair differently if you want." " Abbie..." "Yeah?" "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "JulieandIhavebeen friends sincewewerelittle." "Shelikesto say she'sself-destructive." "Hermotheris atherapist." "We used to talk and I had a better sense of what was going on with you." "I worry that..." "ShemakesJulieattend herteengroupsessions." "How about the possibility that you're choosing boys who are inappropriate unconsciously?" "Whenhermotherremarried, Juliechanged." "I love this shirt!" "Don't get..." "Whenherhalf-sisterAmanda wasbornwithcerebralpalsy, shechangedmore." "Wow, it looks really pretty on you." "Brings-- just-just makes your whole face pop." "Like soda." "Like pop." "Shestartedfoolingaround." "Shestarted sneakingintomy house." "Sleepingover." "Why'd you do it?" "'Cause I'm crazy." "You wish you were crazy." "Scratch me." "We should go up the coast somewhere." "Just me and you." "Julieworks atthele cumbrePlazamall ." "Spring rain features cinnamon, Jasmine," "Lily of the valley and rose." ""Sexisacommitment." "Onceyou'rethere,you can 't gobackto holdinghands, andwhenyougiveyourself, bothmentallyandphysically, well, you're completely vulnerable."" "All he cares about is his new wife, and her birthday, and Christmas with her and her family, and inviting all of her family to our-- spring rain features cinnamon, Jasmine," "Lily of the valley and rose." ""Ofallthemisconceptions aboutlove, themostpowerful andpersuasive isthebeliefthat fallinginloveislove , oratleastone ofthe manifestationsoflove."" "Loveissupposedtobe afeelingthatyou feel." "People say that they're falling in love, but they're not actually falling in love." "It's a fake connection that you feel with someone and marriage should never happen." "You should have died." "It should have been you!" "Die!" "Hey, Julie." " Hey." " Hi." "So come on in." "It's okay." "Come in." "He's not up yet." "He, uh..." " Yeah." "Yeah, he got in kinda late." "Okay, you wanna help me bring this stuff in?" "So is, uh, Jamie okay?" "Yeah, he's okay." "Yeah, i-i heard him come in last night." " Oh." " I was-i was awake." "Right." "Yeah, I was just-- couldn't sleep, so I was you know, listening for him." "How was the show?" "It was good." "Next time you take a trip just let me know, okay?" "I won't make too much dinner." "Hey, do the stocks with me?" "Here." "Okay." "IBM?" "IBM, 69.73." "Xerox?" "You okay?" "Xerox, 53.92." " Stop." " Okay." "53.92." "Listen." "Abbie has her appointment today and I can't be here." "I have to go to work, so I was hoping that maybe you could be here when she gets back in case she needs some support." "She's going through a lot." "Okay, well, like, what if it's, like, bad news or something?" "Well, you can handle it." "Or if you can't, you have to start somewhere." "Men always feel like they have to fix things for women or they're not doing anything, but some things just can't be fixed." "Just be there." "Somehow that's hard for all of you." "Mom, I'm not "all men." Okay?" "I'm just me." "Well, yes and no." "What if I have to have full-on chemo or get a hysterectomy?" "Do you know what that is?" "Look, I should just go with you, you know?" "I mean..." "Your mom did tell me to share my life with you." "Yeah, I know." "You don't-- don't worry about her." "She's- she's from the depression." "Yeah." "It's good news, Abbie." "There were no malignant cells." "Your biopsy's benign." "And in the future?" "There was damage to the muscle wall, from the surgery." "You have an incompetent cervix." "Incompetent?" "It may not be strong enough to go full term during pregnancy." "As the baby grows, the cervix widens." "If it's weakened, it's likely to open prematurely." "I'm gonna be okay." "He said that I probably can't have kids." "WashavingJamie,like the biggest thing that ever happened to you?" "I guess so." "Sorry." " It's okay." "You'll get through this." "You will get through it." "You will do it." "You'll-- this is the really hard part." "And then what happens is, there's a hard part and then it gets better." "And then it gets hard again, but never mind." "I shouldn't have told you that part." "I should have just said it gets better and then that's it, but..." "You got birds?" "Is that okay?" "Yeah." "So did you name them?" "Not yet." "They're a boy and a girl, and that they're monogamous for life, so if one of them dies, then the other one will die like a week later." "Wow." "Well how 'bout Maximilian and carlotta?" "I-i-- you know, they deserve something grand if they're gonna be monogamous their whole lives." "Right?" "Aw." "Max and carlotta are really good names." "So, um, you- you went to the doctor's and you waited with her." "Yeah." "But i-i told you to wait here." "I, um," "I thought it'd be better to, uh, go and really be there." "Wow." "She's really upset." "That must have been a lot to deal with." "I'm fine." "I'm good." "I-i learned a lot." "Abigail Porter?" ""Homepregnancytests thatwomencando safelyandeasily." "Asmallrevolution forwomen seekingtotakecontrol oftheirlives."" "What the fuck is this?" "It's a pregnancy test." "Um," "Abbie's doctor said that, uh, she wouldn't be able to have kids." "Why'd she take you?" " Is that all of it?" " Yeah." "That's a lot." " Now what?" " Um..." ""Shake for 10 seconds."" "Okay, um..." "Um..." ""Leave undisturbed for two hours."" "Two hours?" "That's what it says." "Okay, if it appears, then you're positive, and if no ring appears here, then the test is negative." "What do we do for two hours?" "Guys don't smoke like that." "Don't hold it like that." "Like... this, between your two fingers." " That?" " Yeah." "That's better." "Okay now walk." "Do like a a cool cigarette walk." "Guys aren't supposed to look like they're thinking about what they look like." "Watch me." "See?" "Smoking's gross." "No, it's not." "It gives you cancer." "This is just my opinion." "I think being strong is the most important quality." "It's not being vulnerable, it's not being sensitive." "It's not even-- honestly, it's not even being happy." "It's about strength andyourdurability againsttheotheremotions." "No ring." "No ring." " Hey." " Hey." "Thanks for coming with me." "Yeah, totally." "I made you this." " It's a mix tape." " Yep." "Thesewere abunchof songsthat ithinkmy life wouldhavebeenbetter iftheyhadbeenaround whenI wasateenager." "SoI 'mhopingthat ifyoulistentothem now,  youwillbe ahappier andmorerealizedperson thanI couldeverhopetobe ." "Fromthatnighton Abbiestarted tellingmeeverything." "Shegrewup in SantaBarbara whereeveryoneis happy, butthatjust madeherfeelcrazy." "In1973,shemoved toNewYorkCity andwentto artschool." "NewYorkCity madeherfeelsane." "Itwasso fuckedup." "Shefellin love withphotography." "Shelearnedto dance whenshegotsad ." "Shesawtheman  who fell to earth anddyedherhairred." "Ifiguredout howtobe lookedat by men, and how to make them excited, anduncomfortable." "Iamso cocky, andI wasso angry and I was so happy." "Shefellin love withherteacher." "Thenshewent toplannedparenthood." "Abigail Porter?" "Herfriendscouldn'tdeal withherhavingcancer, soshewenthome tohermom." "Hey, mom..." "Gail,didyouevertake  d.E.S. When you were pregnant with Abbie?" "Yes." "I had two miscarriages before Abbie." "The doctor told me to take it." "D.E.S.Was afertilitymedication." "Doctorsprescribedit  towomen." "Latertheyfoundout  thatthedaughters ofthewomenwho tookit gotcervicalcancer." "I didn't know that you had miscarriages." "Whenhermomfoundout itwasbecause shetookthatdrug, shewouldn'ttalkaboutit." "AndeverythingAbbiedid  madehermad." "SoAbbielooked foranotherplacetolive ." " Hi." " Hi." "Hello..." "Andshestartedrenting theroomupstairs." "I'm Abbie." "Andshegotajob atthenewspress." "...the landslide." "It shows how erosion along the bluff, it causes instantaneous loss of oceanfront property and-and construction." "Over time, it gradually..." "Hi, dorothea." "Hey, Charlie." "Hey... um..." "You wanna go out some time?" "Get a drink?" "Oh, um..." "Yeah." "What the heck, Charlie?" "Sure." "Okay." "I wasn't sure." "Uh..." " What?" "Some-some of the guys thought you were a lesbian." "You know, which, look, I don't have a problem with if you are, but you're not." "Yeah, no, I am not." "Um, should we go out then?" "Okay, yeah." "Sure." "You wanna come to dinner at my house again some time?" "You could..." "We could do that." "Shit." "Julie." "It's really-it's nothing." "I just end up there sometimes." "What do you guys do?" "I just sleep." "We talk." "Can I have one?" "No, they're really bad for you." "You smoke all the time." "You know when I started, they weren't bad for you." "They were just stylish, sort of edgy, so it's different for me." "Okay." "You're good at hiding stuff, huh?" "My mom calls it compartmentalizing." "Apparently I do that a lot." "Are you helping him?" " I'm trying." " Really?" "What about you?" "Have you thought about your impact on him?" "It's always about the mother." "Like do you think you've moved on since his dad?" "You know that you're not actually a therapist?" "I've had new guys, okay?" "No one appropriate." "Appropriate?" "Guys you're not gonna risk anything with men you don't even really like." "Listen, you're 17, okay?" "Maybe you don't know what's good about these guys that I really like." "I'm talking about you." "You never seem into it except for with William." "But he's inappropriate." "Okay, Jesus." "Uh, yeah." "It's hard to find someone that I like." "I-i had my chance twice, but that part of life just didn't work out for me." " Bye." " Bye." "Where were you?" "I had some errands." "You did the whole list." "You know all the stocks?" "Yeah." "IBM is down, huh?" "Sorry." "I'll fix it next time." "That-- good job on that." " William?" " Yes?" "Do I seem stuck to you?" "How do you mean?" "Well, I, I guess i wouldn't know, would I?" "Abbie?" " Yes?" "Let's go out tonight." "I want to see this modern world." "Can I come?" "I don't know if I'm gonna find an appropriate man here." "Thank you." "What?" "What was that?" "What does that mean?" "Uh... um... uh..." "I mean you don't kiss a woman unless you know what you mean by it." "Weren't you sleeping with Abbie?" "That's not something serious." "It's..." "Then why do it?" "It's1979." "I'm55yearsold ." "Thisiswhatmyson believesin." "Thesepeople withthishair andtheseclothes makingthesegestures, makingthesesounds." "It's1979." "I'm55yearsold , andin1999," "Iwilldieofcancer fromthesmoking." "Hey." "Are you going?" "Yeah." "Do me a favor." "Just take care of Abbie." "Theydon'tknow thisistheend ofpunk ." "Theydon'tknow thatReagan'scoming." "It'simpossibleto imagine thatkidswillstop dreamingaboutnuclearwar , andhavenightmares abouttheweather." "It'simpossible toimagineHIV, whatwillhappen withskateboardtricks, theInternet." "You have a good time?" "Yeah, it was interesting." "So Abbie has your number, right?" "Yeah." "You're gonna get calls for dinner." "I'd like that." "Kid." "It's late." "How was it?" "It was..." "life-changing." "BeforeI die, Iwillpreparefor y2k ." "Iputcannedfoodandwater  inthegarage." "Iput$16,000dollars' worthofgoldcoins intoa safedepositbox  atthebankofMontecito." "Idiedbeforethe new year, dolphinshapedballoons floatedovermy head." "Theywereplaying LouisArmstrong ona boombox." "Jamie?" "Hey, sorry." "Are you awake?" "I just wanted to tell you that you have to get out of this town if you want to have any chance of an interesting life moving forward." "What happened?" "Sorry." "Shit." "We don't have sex." "I just sleep here." "Okay." "Can I lay down?" " We were sleeping." " Just scoot over." "It's okay." "I'm just gonna talk to Jamie for a second." "So Lynette winters spit on me, sothenIhit her ." "Why'dshespitonyou?" "BecauseI spiton her, rightbefore IwasgoingtoNewYork andI thoughtIwas never gonnacomeback." "Itfeltveryliberating atthetime." " Fucking bitch!" " All right." "AndsomehowIendedup breakinga chair." "Hey, Julian, I'm sorry." " You okay?" " Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." "AndthenWilliamtoldme hedidn'twant tosleepwithmeanymore." "What are you saying?" "I don't like you!" "I don't like you!" "I don't like-- just, just, I'm just gonna talk to Jamie for a second." "Um, you cannot let her sleep here if she's not having sex with you." "It's disempowering." "Also, you need to get out of this town before you start working at a sunglasses shop." "I mean, that goes for you, too." "Jamie, um, here's some books from a feminism class I took." "I thought it would be helpful for you to get a woman's perspective." "What happened to your lip?" "Oh, I got in a fight." " You want some apples?" " What?" "!" "There was a fight." "It was-it was ridiculous." "Hold on, is that ourbodies,ourselves?" "Yes, it is." "This was a really good book." "There's a really good chapter on home... childbirths." "Home birth actually stunts the baby's growth personality." "What is a growth personality?" "It's a real term." ""And who knows what it means for a newborn to see wood walls and carpeted floor and to smell real human smells and to feel of wool and cotton and flannel clothes instead of starchy, white, deodorized"" "dot, dot, dot." "To me, that meant, like, "and what else?"" "Women'ssexuality, definedbymen tobenefitmen, hasbeendowngraded andperverted, repressedandchanneled." "Anatomically,allorgasms arecenteredin theclitoris, whethertheyresult fromdirectmanualpressure appliedtotheclitoris, indirectpressure resultingfrom-- last night, i fucked Heather so hard, she came like three times." "How did you stimulate her clitoris?" "With my dick." "Women need direct clitoral stimulation, like with fingers or a vibrator or something." "She probably faked it." "Women fake it all the time." "Talking heads're a bunch of fags." "Actually, there's a girl in their band, and she's dating the drummer, so..." "Your name's Jamie, right?" "Fuckin' art fag." "So what was the fight about?" "Clitoral stimulation." "Why do you need to fight about that?" "I, I don't know." "I..." "I wanna be a good guy, okay?" "I just... want to be able to satisfy a woman." "Kid, I'm sure you will." "Shit." "Jamie!" "That's not cool." "Yeah." "That's what Matt called me for liking the talking heads." "Uh-huh." "And what is "black flag?"" "It's a hard core band, so the people who love black flag hate the talking heads." "What?" "!" "The punk scene is very divisive." "Hey!" "You're all so advanced, aren't you?" "The next time a dude tells you a sex story, you just have to agree with everything he says and act like it's right, even if it's not, because they don't wanna be contradicted." "They just wanna live in their fantasy lands." "How are you doing..." "With everything?" "Whatever you think your life is going to be like, just know it's not gonna be anything like that." "Right." "Take me to that club." "Tonight?" "Hey." "Hey." "Wow, you look amazing." "Where you going?" "We're just gonna go out." "Is that okay?" "Well yeah, of course." "And, uh, where?" "Just goin' out." " Bye." " Bye!" "Put that down." "Hey, could I get a beer?" "Now say, "i-I'm into older women."" "Just say it." "I'm into older women." "Oh..." "How old are you?" "Age is a bourgeois construct." "Age is a bourgeois construct." "That's a good answer." "Age is a bourgeois construct." "Okay, okay." "You get it." "Um, so now if she asks you any questions, you just say as little as possible, okay?" "Now show me your most inscrutable face." "I don't really make choices, when they about about women." "They just..." "They come to you." "That-that's-- you could have more than that." "But what about you?" "Why" "I mean, what happened to Jamie's dad?" "Well..." "He just, no-- he just didn't turn out like I thought he would." "I guess that happens." "There must have been something good about him." "Um, he was left-handed." "That's it?" "That's it?" "Yes, and I was right-handed." "And so in the morning, we would look at the stock reports together, and he could write with his left-hand and scratch my back with his right." "And that's it?" "I loved that." "Do you ever meditate?" "Uh..." "I feel the air, coolness of the air go through my nose." "All I'm really doing is bringing my attention back to my breath." "So when I take a breath in there's a feeling." "It's air going in." "It's air going out." "It's a good feeling." "No, it's okay." "Go ahead." "I'm just gonna..." "Go ahead." "I'm just gonna smoke." "I'm listening." "All right, I wanna get on the same page." "You are such-- how did you get to be this person that you are?" "It's so..." "You're so unusual." "William'sdadmanaged anautorepairshop inCleveland." "Enginesalwaysmadesense tohim." "Hetried to put himself through college, butcouldn'taffordit." "HemetTheresain1963 ." "Shewassmart,brave, betteroff." "Theywerein love." "They'dmoveto Oakland, thentoacommune insebastopol." "Well, I learned to be like them, you know?" "And... as it turns out, it's a lot easier than I thought it would be." "But it wasn't really me i was doing it for so that i wouldn't lose Theresa." "Hestartedtalkinglikethem , lookinglikethem, buttheymadehim feelold anduneducatedandpoor." "Theresastartedthinking" "Williamwasuptightand  possessiveandshelefthim." "AfterTheresa, womendidn'thavetolook  onewayor theother, orbeacertainway." "IthinkthatIjust" "Iwantto winthemover  sothatIwon 'tbelonely." "Do you live here?" "I do." "ButonceIhavethem ," "Idon'treallyknow whattodo withthem." "You wanna do something later?" "You're sweet." "I should go." "What he likes is making bowls." "Hedoesn'tsmell likeoilandgrease." "Hishandsdon'tlooklike  dumbmechanic'shands." "Iwasusingthe smaller bowlsforawhile." "Um,andthenIwaskindof feelinglikeIneeded tobeatthecrap outofsomestuff,so..." "And when it gets a little bit drier, you spray everything away." "Wow." "It's beautiful." "What?" "Did you fix it?" "Um..." "Well, maybe..." "It's, uh, part vol-Volkswagen now." "I had to improvise." "And how are you gonna get to know a person way over there?" "What am-- what am I supposed to do?" "Well, just make a little small talk and introduce yourself, ask her to dance." "Okay." "Hello, I'm William." " Hello." " Hello." " Um, I live downstairs." " Oh, yeah." "I'm the one with the cars." "Would you like to dance with me?" " Yes." "Sure." " Okay." "Put your hand out, right?" "Put the other hand here." "And just be there." "She just wants a little company." "Oh." "Okay." "That's nice." "I-i feel like i-i understand you." "We should get away from here." "Just-just me and you, you know?" "Go up the coast, be alone somewhere." "Jamie, you're in love with Julie." "You can't let her push you around." "You have to tell her what you want." " ...if you, if you were to listen to it..." " Right." "What does-what does that mean?" ""Art fag?" I mean what does-- if you were to think about it from more like a sociological perspective, what does that come from?" ""Art fag."" " I think we-- - what is that?" " Abbie understand it." " Abbie does not understand it." "She's just a part of it." "You don't need to like it." "Okay, what is he saying?" ""Head on my shoulders..."" ""Going berserk..."" "Right." "Is that interesting?" "I don't know." "I don't know either." "I think we're maybe over-thinking this." "Let's try the art fag one." "Here come the art fags." "Oh, yeah." "All right, you ready?" "That's it." "I guess we're more the art fag type." "Uh-huh." "I like that." "Come here, inscrutable boy." "Igavehimbeer, andtheni-itaughthim howtoverbally seducewomen, andwedrovedrunk, butI stoppedthat, and then he kissed Trish." "And then we walked home." "Ah." "You're not mad?" "You're mad." "You get to see him out in the world as a person." "I never will." "Just" "there." "I can't believe Abbie gave you this book." "It's interesting." "What's it like for girls?" "What?" "Sex?" "Orgasms." "Do you really want to know what it's like?" "Yeah." "I don't have them." "What?" "None of my friends do." "Then why do you do it?" "There's other reasons." "You know, like the way that he looks at you or the way they get a little bit desperate at some point." "And the little sounds that they make." "Ah!" "And their bodies 'cause you don't exactly know what they're gonna look like orsmellor feellike untilyoudo it ." "But,yeah..." "HalfthetimeIregretit." "Then why do you do it?" "'Cause half the time, i don't regret it." ""Iamgregarious." "Interestedinothers." "AndI thinkintelligent." "AllI ask istogettoknow people andtohavetheminterested inknowingme ." "Idoubtwhether Iwouldmarryagain andlivethatclose toanotherindividual, butI remaininvisible." "Don'tpretendforaminute asyoulookatme, thatI amnotasalive asyouare, andI donotsuffer fromthecategory towhichyouare forcingme." "I think, stripped down, i look more attractive than my ex-husband but I am sexually and socially obsolete and he is not." "I have a capacity now for taking people as they are, which I lacked at 20." "I reach orgasm in half the time and I know how to please, yet I do not even dare show a man that I find him attractive." "If I do, he may react as if I have insulted him." "I'm supposed to fulfill my small functions and vanish."" "Well..." "What do you think of all that?" "I don't know." "Maybe I'm a feminist." "So..." "You think that's me." "No, I don't know." "So you think you know me better because you read that?" "No, no." "Then why are you reading it to me?" "Um, I thought it was interesting." "Okay, well..." "I-i don't need a book to know about myself." "Sorry." "Imean,Iappreciate youtryingto help." "Ido." "Ijustthink you'retakingit toofar ." "This stuff with, you know, the women's movement i respect, but it's just, it's complicated and I think it's too much for him." "What are" " I don't know what it is that you're talking about." " Okay." "He's a 15-year-old boy." " I know." "You're giving him hard core feminism, and it-it-- but he really loves it, and it's really-- it's helping him..." " Helping him what?" "It's helping him become a man, th-- what you were talking about." "It's like-- learning about a female orgasm is helping him be a man?" "Well, what man do you know that cares anything about that?" " Look, he's" " I mean that's a miracle." "But he is a high school kid, okay?" "It's too much." "I'm telling you." "I think he seems really okay with it." "You know you don't actually know what you're doing with him?" "Okay?" "So... just..." "Asyouknow, thereisagrowing disrespectforgovernment, forschools,thenewsmedia andotherinstitutions." "Thisisnotamessage ofhappinessor reassurance." "Butitis thetruth anditis awarning." "It is a crisis..." "Of confidence." "Wecanseethiscrisis inthegrowingdoubt aboutthemeaning ofourownlives andintheloss ofa unityof purpose forournation." "Toomanyof us now tendtoworship self-indulgence andconsumption." "Butwe'vediscovered thatowningthings andconsumingthings doesnotsatisfy ourlongingformeaning." "Wealwaysbelieved thatwewerepart ofa greatmovement ofhumanityitself involvedinasearch forfreedom." "Weareat aturningpoint inourhistory." "Thepaththatleads tofragmentation andself-interest." "Downthatroadlies amistakenideaoffreedom." "Itisacertainroute tofailure." "Thank you and good night." "Wow." "He is so screwed." "No shit." "It's over for him." "I thought that was beautiful." "Well, why didn't you just say, "I'm sorry, I'm done?"" "My pride." " I know." " Yeah, it's..." "You didn't seem like a prideful person." "You seem humble." "I left my pride outside today." "Jamie, would you please wake up Abbie?" " Yeah." "Abbie?" " No, stop it." "I'm menstruating." "Abbie, you know what?" "You're menstruating." "Okay." "But do you have to say it?" "Okay?" "And do we really need to know everything that's going on with you?" "What?" "I'm menstruating." "Why is that a big deal?" "We don't need to hear about that." "Thank you." "If you ever want to have an adult relationship with a woman, like if you want to have sex with a woman's vagina, you need to be comfortable with the fact that the vagina menstruates, and just say menstruation." "It's not a big deal." "So start saying it now." "Menstruation." " Now?" " Yes." "Menstruation." "Menstruation." "Jamie, no, you don't have to." "You're saying it like you're scared." "Don't say it like you're scared." " Abbie." " Say it like it's normal." " Menstruation." " Menstruation." " Menstruation." "Not bad." "Julian, menstruation." "You can say it." "Right now." " I'm sorry." " Uh, men-menstruation." "Just keep eye contact with me." "What-- who are you looking at?" " Menstruation." " Menstruation." "Yeah, that's right." "Menstruation." "Charlie, you're quiet." "Menstruation?" "Menstruation?" "No, not like a question." "Menstruation." "Menstruation." "Now everybody say it together." "Menstruation." "Like gentle, happy, but casual." "And..." "Menstruation." "It's gross, Abbie." "No, it's it's not gross." "It's a very deep time creatively, and it's emotionally transformative." "And sex during menstruation can be very pleasurable for a woman." "It can even, like, relieve some of the cramps." "Jamie, I also wanna say never have sex with just the vagina." "You have to have sex with the whole woman." " That's slightly off topic of what I'm talking about." " You too?" "You too, William?" "I mean... thank you." " But that's okay." "The first time that I got my period," "I was watching onethatflew overthecuckoo'snest with some guy." "And, um..." "Yeah, I just told him that I had to leave, so I went to the market and I bought a box of tampons, and I read the instructions on the box and I put one in..." " Julie?" " .." "And I never told my mom about it, but she never asked, so it didn't matter." "And I never saw the end of the cuckoo's nest." "Jack Nicholson got a lobotomy, and so the big Indian guy smothered him with a pillow so that he could, you know, be free and..." " Okay, let's talk about something else." " Yeah." "It was good." " Would you mind?" " When I was 14," "I had sex for the first time." "Julie!" "Julie, please." "You-- honey..." "I decided one night that I was just gonna lose my virginity." "I didn't care who it was to." " Julie, you gotta calm down." " Stop it." "Let her talk." "I picked this guy that i didn't know at a party and we had fairly painful sex in his Van." "It was just parked on the street." "He just used spit for lubrication." "I made it home on time for curfew, though." "His carpet smelled like spilled bong water." "Okay, um let's call it a night." "All right?" "Thanks all for coming." "Show's over, girls." "Thank you so much for coming." "Jamie, we need to talk." "There's a lot of stuff happening, right?" "And I just would like to know what's going on with you." "I mean, I know this has all been a lot for us to deal with." "Mom, I'm dealing with everything right now." "You are dealing with nothing." "I can't believe you told everyone all that." "I can say what I want to say." "They're gonna think you're some-- they're gonna get the wrong idea about you." "What?" "That I'm a slut?" "Is that what you think?" "You can't sleep here anymore and just want to talk." "Really?" "Yeah." "Jamie." "I'm sorry." "I am sorry, okay?" "Let's-let's just get out of here." "Let's go up the coast like- like you said that we would." "Just the two of us." "Mom..." "JulieandItookthecar." "We'retakingatrip upthecoast justtogetaway." "Youdon'tneedtoworry aboutus." "Hey, do you think that you could, um buy us some, like, wine coolers?" "You can keep the change." "Strawberry or anything Berry, really." "Hi." "What's the matter?" "Hi." "You changed lanes in the intersection back there." "Seriously?" "That's all?" "I need to see your license and registration." "Well, what if I don't have my license?" "Okay, well what's your name, address and date of birth?" "Do you have that?" "You know, those are very personal questions, and we've just met." "What's your name?" "What's your address, right?" "I mean, it's a little forward." "I, uh, I love you." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Tell me." "I think that I'm too close to you to have sex with you." "I know it's confusing." "I'm sorry." "I can i can help you get over that." "I don't want to get over that." "Yes, you do." "You're being like the other guys." "I don't wanna just have sex with you." "I want you." "But it's your version of me." "It's not me." "It would be a lot better if you just wanted sex." "You are exactly like the other guys." "You just seem like you're all modern." "Jamie." "Jamie." "Jamie!" "These people have no sense of humor." "Having a kid seems like the hardest thing." "Yeah." "How much you love the kid..." "You're just pretty much screwed." " Well, it's good for you." " Hi." "Uh..." "Hey." "Julie just called me." "They're in San Louis obispo." "She doesn't know where he is." "She can't find him." "I-- would you drive me..." " Yes, I will." " ...up there?" " Yep." "Let's go." " Will you come?" " Yes." "I'm sorry." "He came back." "He's right there." "Okay." "Okay." "It's okay." "Well..." "Julie's a pretty complicated woman." "It's a lot to take on, but I'm impressed in a way." "Whatever." "Aren't you gonna get Julie to come talk with me?" "Jamie!" "What?" "I-i thought they'd help." "Well, it just seemed like you couldn't deal with me anymore." "Look." "I wanted-- i" "I..." "Look, i" "I don't want you to end up in the same place as me." "What does that mean?" "Well, I wanted you to be happier." "And I just didn't think i could do it by myself." "I" "okay." "I thought we were fine, though, just me and you." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Come on." "Come on." "Dance with your mom." " Bye." " Bye." "Bye." " Be safe." " Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "So maybe we don't go back yet." "Okay." "Were you and dad ever in love?" "Sure." "Or, um..." "Maybe I was just..." "I felt I was supposed to be in love." "Or I was..." "I was scared I'd never be in love so i-i i just picked the best solution at the time." "I wanna bleach my hair." "Kid... really?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Are you lonely?" "Well i might marry bogart in my next life." "We'll see." "I'm thinking about it." "Uh, he's dead." "Well..." "This is my next life, right?" "So he may be there." "He may be around and we might meet and something might happen between us." "Okay, um you can't have it in the real world?" "Hey." "This is no time to be rational, sweetie." "Can you just go with this?" "Yeah." "Keep going." "Okay." "So he-he knows what I'm thinking, and he makes me laugh and he really sees me and you know that he's gonna do what he says he's gonna do, so that's easy." "He sounds nice." "Yeah." "Ithoughtthatwas  justthebeginning ofa newrelationship withher... ..Whereshe'dreally tellmestuff butmaybeit was neverreallylikethatagain." "Maybethatwasit." "Nmarchof 1999," "I'llstartto feeltired andconfused." "WhenI finally gotothedoctor, hewillsaythatthecancer inmylungs hadalreadytraveled tomybreastand brain." "I'lltryto teachJamie whattodo withmystocks, butmyinstructionswillbe impossibletounderstand." "See you later." "Abbiewilltakeme toplannedparenthood andI willgo on thepill." "Iwillgo to nyu andlosetouchwithJamie anddorothea andI willstoptalking tomymom." "Iwillfallinlove  withNicholas andwe'llmovetoParis andchoose nottohavechildren." "IwillstayinSantaBarbara." "Injusttwoyears, I'llmarryDave." "AmonthafterIgetmarried, carlottawilldie." "Aweeklater, Maxwilldie,too ." "Iwillworkout ofmygarage andshowin localgalleries." "Againstmydoctor'sadvice," "Iwillgetpregnant." "BythetimeI'm 34," "I'llhavetwoboys." "I'lllivewithdorothea foranotheryear andthenI'llopen apotterystore insedona,Arizona." "I'llmarryLaurie, asinger-songwriter." "We'llgetdivorcedina year ." "ThenI 'llmeetSandy andcontinue todomy pottery." "MymomwillmeetJimin1983." "Theywillstayacouple untilshedies." "Onherbirthdayeachyear , hewillbuyher atrip  ona biplane." "Yearsaftershe'sgone, Iwillfinallyget married andhaveason ." "Iwilltrytoexplaintohim  whathisgrandmother waslike butitwillbeimpossible."