"Give us a ride!" "Julius." "Julius." "Julius!" "Yes, mama." "Keep an eye out for him, will you?" "All right, mom." "Fine." "Max, I'm telling you, in six days, comes due the real-estate tax." "Also the water tax." "Also the assessment for better sewers." "Also the insurance." "Tenants, you have plenty." "But why don't they pay, huh?" "Maybe I got a soft heart, mama." "Maybe you got a soft head." "A soft heart... that's all right for a good husband." "But a soft head, that make a schlemiel and not a businessman." "So, what you got to say to that, eh?" "Noodle soup." "Meshugener, if there ever was one." "Noodle soup for breakfast." "Always eats noodle soups for breakfast." "Sure." "Noodle soup." "Why not?" "With noodle soup like this, it's a positive inspiration." "Even lions in the cage, I could face like daniel." "Tax collectors, you face, with 6% added interest from the late payments." "Papa!" "Papa!" "Hey, what's the matter?" "Here he comes now." "Who?" "Ooh!" "Mama, you wait and see what I'm gonna do." "Watch." "What?" "Good morning, Mr. Bacon." "It's a lovely morning." "Yeah, it's a lovely morning." "I haven't got it." "Did I ask you?" "Not since yesterday afternoon." "Now, listen, Jack, I've been carrying you for three months already, and not a cent of rent did I get from you." "Now, it ain't right, you know?" "I got expenses, heavy expenses." "Look, she's up there now." "She's been up there already a half-hour." "Could I help it?" "Why don't you and she... no, no, I'd rather move to a park bench." "Doggone it, I told you not to let her into my place!" "No, Jackie, wait a minute, Jackie!" "Listen, she likes you." "Jack, she's got confidence in you as a novice." "You could call it a loan, couldn't you?" "Listen, Eckbaum, you could call it a lot worse than that, and you'd still be right." "Listen, I know what's in back of that old dame's mind." "And I won't have it." "But, Jack, she wants to help you." "That's my business." "All right, then, so it's my business." "After all, I'm a landlord, not a salvation army captain." "You wouldn't listen to her." "You won't listen to me." "Oh." "Now, wait a minute." "Wait a minute, Jack, listen." "Wait a minute." "I got an idea." "Now, listen to this, Jack." "Now, the attic you live in is big, so big you could put another party in it, easy." "Another party?" "!" "Why not?" "Night-watching in the loft all night, you are, ain't you?" "Yeah." "Well, the attic is empty." "You wouldn't know it was happening." "Another party, huh?" "Sure." "So, that's what you've been cooking up in that basement den of yours... a pal, a bunkie." "Say, listen, you..." "Jackie!" "Oh." "Now, don't get excited." "I'll arrange it." "Julius!" "What do you want?" "Get a bowl of noodle soup right away." "It's on the fire, papa." "Bring it up and keep your thumb out of it." "Oh, Julius!" "Two bowls of soup, I should have ordered." "One for the carpet." "Oh, good morning, Mr. Eckbaum!" "Good morning, Miss Carroll." "Look in the bowl." "Noodle soup from Rosie." "Pink cheeks, it'll make for you." "Aw, you shouldn't have done that, Mr. Eckbaum." "Why not?" "That's awfully nice of you, and I do appreciate it, but... it's all right." "Go on." "Eat it." "Gesundheit." "You make me feel so terribly guilty about the rent." "I know you've been awfully patient, and I guess you'll just have to continue being patient." "Of course, Mr. Eckbaum, this can't go on forever." "Ah, that's it exactly, Miss Carroll." "It can't go on forever." "I wasn't gonna bring up the subject, but since you mentioned it," "I could have rented your apartment three times over again." "But y-you can give me a little time." "Three months' rent overdue." "That's a lot of money." "For you, that's impossible." "Now, look, you took your papa's insurance money, you came to new york to get a job, now how much you got left?" "A dollar, maybe a dollar and a half." "You know, new york is a tough town, Miss Carroll." "The money goes before the job comes." "Now, I'm not a hard man, Miss Carroll." "With a wife that makes noodle soup like Rosie, how could I be a hard man?" "Now, look, I got an idea." "Wait here." "Sit down, Miss Carroll, and sip your soup." "There." "Now, on the top floor is the attic." "Now, for you, I could make that attic for $15 a month." "I could even wait for the payments." "You know why?" "Because in there already, there's another party living." "It's all right." "It's all right." "We can make an arrangement." "You two wouldn't see each other." "You wouldn't even speak to each other, even." "That I promise you." "Now, what do you say, huh?" "Sounds pretty horrible." "Horrible?" "I want to do you a kindness, and you tell me it's horrible." "But you haven't given me a chance to tell you." "It looks as though I have a job at last." "Yeah?" "That's fine." "See?" ""Icyair refrigeration company. "" "Eh, that's impossible." "Posting cards like that, you got already enough to make an album." "For you, maybe, I'm glad you get a job." "But for myself, I have to rent your apartment." "Oh, Mr. Eckbaum, you're not." "After all your consideration, I really think that... well, Miss Carroll, what else can I do?" "You know, I got taxes, heavy taxes." "You know, this ain't the Eckbaum foundation for indignant females." "And it's better for you, broke like you are, to have good food for yourself, which you ain't been getting lately, than to have an expensive apartment." "And for $15 a month, you'll have a place so comfortable to live in," "I guarantee you'll be like a bug in a rug." "Now, you think it over, Miss Carroll, and I'll arrange it, huh?" "Papa!" "Papa!" "What?" "They're at it again." "Who?" "Where?" "In the attic." "You shouldn't snoop." "Get out of here." "It's beautiful." "You know, Jack, I want to help you because I believe you've got talent, real talent, my boy." "Then I wish you'd leave me alone to exercise it." "I don't want your help." "I got to get some sleep." "Don't you want any help at all?" "No!" "I wish you'd get that through that wig of yours right now." "This isn't a wig." "Why are you so mean to me, Jack?" "Why won't you let me make you comfortable?" "You know, Jackie, I like this picture." "I'll buy it." "You're an artist." "You want to sell pictures." "That's legitimate." "That picture isn't for sale." "That isn't worth $5." "Listen, when I sell a picture, it'll be because it's got something to offer." "I don't want your charity." "I wish you'd get out of here." "I'll give you $100 for it." "No!" "All right." "I'll give you $200." "Oh, Elise, stop making a fool out of yourself." "Maybe I'm a silly old woman, but I'll give you $300 for it." "No!" "Jack!" "Jackie!" "$300!" "I'm speaking to you like a father to a son." "Now, don't be a yonkel." "Lady, wait a minute." "Artists are terrible." "If you only knew how much rent he owes me!" "Well, my boy, you've burned your bed, and now lie in it." "I loathe landlords." "There goes 300 bucks." "Most of it mine." "Well, you didn't expect me to take it, did you?" "Take it?" "Why not?" "A woman like that?" "How much money she's got, she doesn't even know." "And how does she spend it?" "Lifting her face, a poodle dog." "It might as well be you." "Then you could be a better painter." "Don't you see?" "Yeah, a fine painter she'd make out of me." "I'll stick to night-watching." "All right, then, that settles it." "You stick to night-watching, and the other party comes up." "Tonight, in this attic." "Hey, wait a minute!" "No, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't argue." "All night, you're in the loft, ain't you?" "Yeah." "Well, from 8:00 at night until 8:00 in the morning, this place belongs to the other party." "You don't speak." "You won't even know who it is." "I'll see to that." "When the other party is working, then this place is yours." "When the other party is here, then you stay out." "Well, I won't stand for it!" "I won't have anybody else here!" "Aw, now, listen, Eckbaum, I'll get you the rent money." "Well, part of it, anyway." "Now, how will that be, huh?" "It'll be a surprise, but it won't change the situation." "Now, listen, Jack, I want to help you." "I want to help myself." "So you better do it." "Otherwise, out!" "Well, it's a dirty trick, and for two cents," "I'd punch you right in the nose." "Yeah?" "I didn't expect you to kiss me." "You take the center desk on the left, please." "And you take the one at the far end on the left." "You take the middle desk on the right, please, and you take the one at the far end on the right." "Miss Mary Carroll?" "Yes?" "Aesop agency?" "Yes." "You understand the terms... $10 a week and a 5% commission on all iceboxes sold through your efforts." "A very generous offer." "Oh, yes." "You'll find a locker room in here, and come back immediately." "Oh, thank you." "You'll have to wait." "Girls!" "Girls!" "You will now receive full instruction from Mr. H. Harrington Hubbell, assistant sales manager of the Icyair Corporation." "Miss Carroll, will you take this desk, please?" "Come, come, girls, now, come, come." "Fun's fun... but you're telephone solicitors now, remember." "Voice with a smile." "Now, each one of you has on her desk two sheets of paper." "This one, the... this... no." "Uh..." "This one here." "You'd want to think I don't know myself which one!" "This one here, the list of... this one... this one, the list of pros... this one, the, uh, sales talk." "This one, the list of prospects." "Now, reading from the list of prospects, you take a name." "Call Mr. So-and-so at such-and-such a number, and then you read as much of the sales talk to him as you can before he, uh, hangs up." "Uh, is that clear?" "Are there any questions?" "Then supposing we try." "You with the dark eyes, will you begin first, please?" ""Have you investigated the possibilities of your icebox," ""Mrs. Supply name of party?" ""40 crystal-clear cubes of purest ice to enhance the injurement of... "" "oh, oh, oh, oh. "Injurement," "injurement"?" "Enjoyment. full tongue." "Enjoyment." "See?" "Uh, now let's see about you over there." "Will you please try?" ""71/2 cubic feet of storage" ""for your vegetables, your butter, your eggs, and other pershables. "" "Ooh, "pershables"?" "Perishables." "Perishables." "And now you, with the little red curls, will you try, please?" ""All this is yours with an Icyair, Mr. Ross," ""the electric icebox whose name is synonymous with electric refrigeration. "" "That's right, fair sir." "Did you hear that, girls?" ""Synonymous" the first time." "That's the way to read it, just as if you were ladies." "Now, remember, "synonymous," "perishable," and "enjoyment. "" "Now, fly to it." ""71/2 cubic feet of storage for your butter," ""your eggs, your vegetables, and other perishables." ""All this is yours with an Icyair, Mr. Rosenberg, the electric icebox whose n... "" "Don't be frightened." "He won't bite you." "He's 2 miles away." "Here, try this one." "Hello, Miss Carroll." "You're moving." "Well, Mr. Eckbaum, I'm working." "I've got a job." "I'm with the Icyair Company." "And as soon as I can sell an icebox... no, no, no, no, in the first place, your apartment is rented." "In the second place, you couldn't keep up such an apartment, so I moved your things to the attic." "Come on." "I'll show you." "Come on." "Right this way." "Oh, but, Mr. Eckbaum... right in here, Miss Carroll, right in here." "Ah, here we are." "It'll look a little strange to you at first." "But after you get used to it, you won't leave it." "I guarantee you." "Now, look, over here is your bed." "Look, I'll show you how pretty I'm gonna make it look with these pillows." "See how beautiful that is?" "Just like home." "Quite large, isn't it?" "Sure, it's beautiful, magnificent." "But what about the other party, Mr. Eckbaum?" "What... what other party?" "Eh, don't you worry about that." "The nighttime, the attic is yours." "In the daytime, you ain't here anyhow, so what do you care?" "As far as you're concerned, the other party is invisible." "Well, what do you say, huh?" "There doesn't seem to be much I can say, does there?" "Now, look, I'm gonna show you how everything is lovely here." "Now, over there is your bureau." "Over there is your cedar chest." "And here is a rocking chair." "Look, see?" "It works." "And over there is your clothes closet right here, see?" "Look, uh, and here is the shower." "And over here is the stove, where you cook." "Look, see?" "You cook right here." "And here is the sink." "Hot and cold water all the time, look." "L-I'll go and fix it right away." "Mr. Eckbaum!" "Mr. Eckbaum?" "!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?" "What?" "What's the matter?" "What are these?" "!" "Them?" "Huh?" "Uh, pants." "Well, does the other party have a habit... you see, the other party, she... she?" "!" "Well, I'll tell you the truth... are you trying to get me to share a room with a man?" "Of all the vile, horrible things" "I've ever heard in my whole life!" "Miss Carroll, no, no, never, never, never." "I swear it on my mother." "I wouldn't tell you a lie." "Now, look, look, Miss Carroll, I'll be frank with you." "Now, look, it's a man, yes, but you'll never meet him." "You'll never speak with him." "I wouldn't even tell you his name, even." "All night, he's working." "He wouldn't be anywhere near here." "I should hope not!" "Now, you see, Miss Carroll, everything is positively the best that I can do." "Now, it's satisfactory, ain't it, Miss Carroll?" "Now, what do you say, eh?" "Well, there's nothing else I can do for the time being." "Sure, sure." "But as soon as I can sell an icebox, Mr. Eckbaum... then you'll pay me some back rent, huh?" "Now, listen, Miss Carroll, you know, that other party, he ain't such a bad fella, either." "I don't want to know anything about him, and I certainly don't want to meet him." "From the looks and the condition of this attic, he must be perfectly disgusting." "Now, if you don't get out of here right away, maybe you'll meet him." "And, you know, that ain't in the arrangement." "Now, come on." "Get out of here till 8:00." "Then you can come back." "Hello, young fella!" "What is it you're having today?" "Ham on a roll, a pound of coffee, and a can of evaporated milk." "Say, gus, grind that coffee fresh, will you?" "I'll do that." "Say, gus, that's a pretty nice number." "Sure it is." "It's kosher." "It's imported." "You can have it for 25 cents a pound." ""Good morning, Mr. Warburton." "Have you investigated the possibilities of your icebox?"" "No, no, no." ""Good morning, Mr. Warburton." ""This is the Icyair Corporation." "Have you investigated the possibilities of your icebox?"" ""Good morning, Mr. Warburton. "" "Good evening, Miss Abercrombie." ""Have you investigated the poss... "" "I beg your pardon." "Well, you said, "good morning, Mr. Warburton. "" "Well, i... that is... oh, it's quite all right, I assure you." "A Warburton never takes umbrage." "Good evening." "Eckbaum!" " Eckbaum!" " Hey, yeah, yeah." "Coming right up." "Coming." "What's the matter?" "What are these?" "Uh... them?" "Pants." "Ladies pants." "Now, now, here." "Who told you to touch them?" "It's none of your business." "You leave them alone." "Now, listen, Eckbaum, you come clean." "What are you trying to do?" "Have you got a woman up here?" "Who, me?" "Uh, uh, now, listen, you be a gentleman." "Now, don't get excited." "I'll explain the whole circumstances." "You'll explain, my left foot." "Now, listen, Jack, listen." "Now, listen, Eckbaum, I know these dames." "They come to greenwich village from small towns looking for romance." "I don't care if she is broke." "She's just trying to hang one over on you." "What do you think this is..." "7th heaven?" "On the 4th floor, it couldn't be." "Trying to make a flophouse out of this joint?" "A flophouse for women!" "She slides out of bed, and I slide in." "That's swell." "Flophouse?" "I... w-w-w-what is a flophouse?" "I just told you what a flophouse was." "Well, no, not in the same bed." "Never at the same time, anyhow." "On that, I insist." "15 minutes before she can come in, you got to get out." "You understand that?" "Even if I have to put Julius at the door to see that it happens." "A rotten outrage..." "I won't have any moonfaced, corn-fed, goggle-eyed spinster... oh, yes, you will." "You got to agree to that, now, Jack." "Agree to it?" "Agree to it?" "Agree to nothing." "I don't want any sour-faced old maid in my studio, messing up my space, sharpening pencils with my razor blades." "Mrs. Eckbaum." "What is it?" "Mrs. Eckbaum, that... that person." "Of all the horrible, disgusting creatures... the things he said!" "I don't know how I'm gonna live in that place." "Oh, no, no, Miss Carroll." "It will be all right." "From my past experience, it's much better for you to have a man in your apartment than a woman." "Shh, shh, now, sit down nicely." "I'm going to make you a nice glass of tea." "Oh, Miss Carroll, it's all right." "And he was nice about it, too." "When he saw your furnishings, you ought to heard the grand things he said about them, and about you, too, Miss Carroll." "Come on, now, he's left." "You can go upstairs and arrange your things." "You two are gonna get along splendid." "I guarantee it." "All right, Mr. Eckbaum." "We'll get along." "Sure, you will." "Sure." "Well, mama, I arranged it!" "Sorry." "Wrong number." "Miss Carroll, Miss Carroll, where are you taking those bright, bright eyes?" "Home to the little nest, Mr. Hubbell." "Oh, not yet, not yet." "First, a dinner, a banquet, with nice old Mr. Hubbell, huh?" "A banquet, Mr. Hubbell?" "Well, you might call it that." "Mr. Hubbell never does things by halves when he gives a party, you know." "a party, Mr. Hubbell?" "A banquet?" "Oh, Mr. Hubbell, are you gonna have a party?" "!" "What time is it?" "And where?" "Good evening, Miss Abercrombie." "How are all the little iceboxes this evening?" "Are you really interested, Mr., uh..." "Mr., uh..." "Warburton." "Warburton, in the iceboxes, I mean?" "Am i?" "I'm crazy for iceboxes." "You just give me one good icebox... have you ever investigated the possibilities of Icyair, Mr. Warburton?" "The original electric icebox, whose name is synonymous with electric refrigeration." "No bolts to handle, no screws to turn." "There's no buttons to push." "Simply plug in the switch, and Icyair begins its magic." "Fancy that." "40 cubes of crystal-clear ice to enhance the enjoyment of all cold drinks." "71/2 cubic feet of storage for your butter and eggs... yeah, it sounds very, very attractive." "I think I could use six." "Six?" "Yes." "You see, my aunt, she's starting a development in westchester." "Houses, you know, she builds them and sells them." "Yes, I think six to start with, sort of a trial." "Oh, Mr. Warburton, that's perfectly wonderful." "Oh, not at all, not at all." "When I saw you sitting on that breadbox that evening," "I said to myself, "now, there's a young lady that deserves to get along. "" "And when you said, "good morning, Mr. Warburton... "" "wasn't that a strange coincidence, my using your name, I mean?" "Oh, well, one coincidence or another, what does it matter?" "The hand of fate." "Oh, and such a little hand, too." "What type of icebox do you think your aunt would like?" "Why don't you call her and then give me a ring at the Icyair Company?" "My extension number is 18." "Well, auntie generally does what I tell her." "Yes, it's amazing the way that woman relies on me." "Well, what type of icebox would you suggest, Mr. Warburton?" "Well, let's go into that later." "Well, now..." "I never would have believed it!" "What?" "You see that line?" "Mm-hmm." "That means that something very nice is going to happen to you." "A tall, dark man is going to come into your life." "And this other line, you see this other little line there?" "Hmm, it says you're going to meet a stranger." "Isn't it funny?" "If that breadbox hadn't been in front of hoffman's and you hadn't been sitting on it... and you hadn't been looking out of the window... you'll never know how lovely you looked, framed in salami." "Oh, look, it's 8:00." "I must be going." "Gee, so do i." "But what about those iceboxes?" "Hmm?" "Oh, yes, the iceboxes." "Well, I've got to get to the office." "I have a director's meeting." "Why don't you give me a ring?" "Spring-7-7-1-2-1." "We'll discuss it further, say, about 9:00?" "Spring-7-7-1-2-1." "Yeah." "Are you... are you sure you really want those iceboxes?" "Oh, positively, positively." "Well, all right, then." "Thank you so much." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Hello?" "Who?" "Mr. Warburton?" "I'll see if he's in." "Hello?" "Mr. Warburton's secretary speaking." "Just a minute." "hello?" "Who?" "Oh, Miss Abercrombie." "The exterior dimensions of our model "t," Mr. Warburton, are 5411/64" high, 323/64"wide, 229/32" deep." "Chrome-plated hardware, all steel model, with two metal freezing trays." "Of course, Mr. Warburton, the model ideally suited for the needs of a small family is our tx-11-19, with a food shelf area of 13.2 square feet, making 72 ice cubes, or 81/4 pounds of ice at freezing." "Of course, if you want a larger icebox in the single-door model, you'll have... huh?" "Yes, yes, Miss Abercrombie, yes, but it's a bit overpowering." "Well, perhaps if you could meet me tomorrow evening with the literature, we could go into the matter more fully." "Yes, in the meantime, I'll get in touch with my aunt." "It's just possible that she may want to try several of the models." "Yes, tomorrow evening, then, say, 6:30 at the same place?" "All right." "Good night, Miss Abercrombie." "Oh, he wants me to meet him tomorrow with the booklet!" "Oh, that's fine!" "Oh!" "It's a sale!" "It's a sale!" "I could hear it!" "And he was so business-like and right to the point." "See, you can't fool me about people." "It's a sure deal." "Uh, Miss Carroll, seriously, now." "Without dragging in the chinese army, what about a little dinner tonight?" "Tonight, Mr. Hubbell, I don't believe I can." "Why not, my little josephine?" "Well, you see, my..." "oh, my sister's baby is ill, and she asked me to take care of it." "Some other time perhaps, but thank you so much." "Good night." "Good night." "Hello, Miss Carroll." "Hello, Julius." "Is your dad in?" "Yeah, I'll call him." "Pop, Miss Carroll to see you." "Mr. Eckbaum, would you chase that terrible person out of my room while I change?" "He ain't in, pop." "I seen him go out." "Well, I don't know, Miss Carroll." "That ain't in the arrangement." "But I've got to meet Mr. Warburton." "It's about those iceboxes, you know." "Oh, well, that's different." "Business is business." "In that case, I'll make an exemption." "All right, Miss Carroll, but don't take too long." "Now, Julius, you sit right down there." "When Mr. Jack Bacon comes in, you stop him right in his tracks, do you hear?" "Now, remember, you sit there and don't move." "All right, pop." "Ow!" "Not yet, he ain't come, Miss Carroll, but I'm watching." "Where's Mr. Eckbaum?" "So quick, Miss Carroll?" "That's fine." "Well, good luck with them iceboxes." "Mr. Eckbaum, that man upstairs, do you know what he did?" "He left a note saying the shower was working." "And as soon as I tried it, it fell down on top of me." "Oh, just an innocent prank." "He's always making jokes." "It don't mean nothing." "It don't mean nothing?" "Feel that bump on my head." "Ouch!" "Mama, feel." "I tell you, Mr. Eckbaum." "I won't stand for it." "Living under conditions like these is utterly impossible." "Hello, Mr. Bacon." "Hello, Julius." "Papa, he's home!" "As soon as I sell these iceboxes, Mr. Eckbaum, we'll have to make other arrangements." "All right, Miss Carroll, you sell the iceboxes, and we'll make yontif." "Get out of here!" "Go on!" "Papa, it's good luck!" "Get out of here, you!" "Loafer." "Good luck, huh?" "I'll give you a good luck in a minute!" "Well, of all the dirty, rotten tricks!" "Look at him over there!" "Cab, lady?" "What'll it be?" "How much are your wheat cakes, and how much are your hamburgers?" "20 and 10." "I'll have a hamburger and coffee." "On the fire, lady." "Icyair Corporation?" "Miss Abercrombie, please." "You haven't got a Miss Abercrombie?" "Well, that's funny." "She said she was Miss Abercrombie." "Well, all I know is, she's got red hair." "Yeah, light red hair, sort of a strawberry color, and she sells iceboxes." "Oh, yeah, and her extension number is 18." "Hello?" "Oh, Mr. W..." "Mr. Warburton, it may interest you to know that I don't believe a word of what you're saying." "I doubt if you have an aunt, and if you had," "I doubt if she'd know the difference between an icebox and a streetcar." "Yes, Mr. Warburton, it was too bad" "I had to wait half an hour in a blinding downpour." "N... no, Mr. Warburton." "No, not at any time." "I'm not interested." "I have no intention of ever seeing or speaking to you again!" "Now, my dear, work hard." "Get your eight hours sleep." "And pay attention to what Mr. Hubbell has to say..." "Saul Ballingreen." "4-3-8-2-1." "8 pounds of ice at a filling, Mr. Burns, in delectable, handy, crystal-clear cubes for your convenience." "Aid in filling... in serving unexpected guests." "Or take out one tray, remove the partition, and fill with any one of the 25 recipes from our little b... great work, bright eyes." "No one ever listened to as much sales talk as that before, and that calls for a celebration and not one minute later than this evening." "Well, Mr. Hubbell, I don't know that i... aha, I see promise wavering in those bright eyes." "I've got two tickets for the Ziegfeld tonight, and you don't look to me like a young lady who would play a man a dirty trick three times in succession." "Are you with me, or must I choke myself to death on one of our larger ice cubes?" "All right, Mr. Hubbell, for the sake of dear old Icyair." "Fine, I'll come around for you about 8:00, and then we can eat after the theater." "8:00." "All right." "Miss Carroll, please?" "Oh, it's Mr. Hubbell, ain't you?" "Just a minute, Mr. Hubbell." "I'll go up and call her." "Julius, entertain Mr. Hubbell while I go upstairs." "You are not entertaining me, Julius." "Who is it?" "Mr. Eckbaum." "Miss Carroll, Mr. Hubbell is downstairs." "And it's better that you should make an impression on your boss, so I'm gonna let you have back your old room." "Never mind." "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up." "Hurry up." "He's waiting, he's waiting." "Hurry up." "Right... right in here, Miss Carroll." "Here's your overcoat." "All right, Mr. Hubbell, come on up!" "A fine girl, Miss Carroll is, you know?" "She's worth twice what you're paying her." "Right in here." "Knock on the door." "Knock on the door." "Ah, the little duchess herself." "Good evening." "Good evening, Mr. Hubbell." "I'll be with you in just a minute." "It's a very nice little place you have here." "Well, yes, isn't it?" "Yes, indeed." "Very nice." "I'm quite ready to go now." "Will you join me in a little snort?" "No, thanks." "You don't mind, then, if I do?" "Not at all." "Well, may all your little ones be troubles." "Hmm, that's very nice, very nice." "Yes, sir." "Very nice, indeed." "Yes, sir, it's quite a cozy little nest you have here." "Well, you see, it isn't my..." "that is, it..." "I understand." "I understand perfectly." "Don't you think we better be going?" "I understand." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "You see, I-I-it... ooh." "Oh." "Hello, sweetheart." "You see, it's quite a strange situation." "You don't have to explain a word to me, my dear." "Cab." "Yes, sir." "Drive once around the park, please, and then to the Ziegfeld theatre." "You know, you got an 8:30 curtain at Ziegfeld." "You ain't got the time." "Oh, don't let's miss any of it." "Well, then I guess we'd better make the most of what time we have, huh?" "How about it?" "Think we'd do better going up 5th?" "You tend to your driving, and I'll do all right by myself." "Now, how about putting those little red curls over on this fatherly old shoulder, eh?" "You got your tickets, or do you want I should stop at the cut-rate?" "You got cigarettes?" "You got matches?" "I got cigarettes." "I got matches." "I've got a flask on my hip." "And I've got enough of your conversation." "Now, you tend to your driving." "Well, some folks like to be reminded of it." "You know, because when you go out in intermission and you ain't got no cigarettes, it ain't so handy, especially if the lady smokes." "Do you smoke, Miss Carroll?" "Personally, I'm burning." "Well, it don't hurt to remember those little things to most people." "Now, you take my old lady." "How that dame goes for those little personal touches." "You know, like getting up in the middle of the night and making her a fried-egg sandwich." "Do you fry one or two eggs, Mr., uh... oh, just call me Fritzie." "Well, now, miss, it all depends." "You see, the old lady is subject to indigestion." "She's got gas." "Well, step on it." "Madam, madam, just a minute, please." "How dare you call me "madam"!" "I loathe landlords." "Great." "Jackie!" "Jackie!" "Open the door!" "Jack, open the door!" "Jack!" "All right, I'm coming." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, four..." "four flights of stairs." "Outrageous!" "Whew!" "Whew!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "Not on the bed." "Well, I must sit down and get my breath." "Oh, please, please, Elise, I'm superstitious." "Oh, nonsense." "I must get my breath." "Oh!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Hold it." "Now." "Whew!" "Whew!" "Jack, I've got an idea." "I'm going to throw out all this junk and make this our little nest." "What?" "!" "Yes, I'm going to change everything." "New curtains, new furniture... good furniture... new pillows, velvet pillows... dozens of them." "This is going to be our little bower." "Oh, no, it isn't." "You... don't do that." "I loathe being pawed." "Why are you so mean to me, Jackie?" "Let's have a little drink." "Where's your glass?" "You don't expect" "Mrs. Elise peabody whittington smythe to drink out of a bottle." "Sit down." "Aw, don't be ridiculous, Elise." "Come on, you've got to get out of here." "Come on, now, like a good girl." "I don't want to be a good girl." "What's that get you?" "I want life and love." "I want you." "Oh, come on, Elise, come on." "Oh, Jackie." "I loathe everything in this place." ""Dear Mr. Eckbaum, attached, find $2." "Will you please ask Julius to get my laundry?"" "Jackie!" "You've got a woman up here!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "That's a woman's handwriting!" "And she wants her laundry." "How dare she." "I'll get her laundry!" "Here, give me that." "Leave it alone." "That's hers." "Now, you get out of here." "Oh, Jackie, this is terrible." "You're living in sin." "This is very wicked of you." "$2 for laundry." "Oh, Jackie." "Oh, I'm not." "Don't be silly." "Is she young?" "Is she beautiful?" "I tell you, I don't even know the woman!" "It's an arrangement." "No, Jackie, this isn't an arrangement." "This is the day I saw." "She's taking you from me." "Oh, will you stop that?" "Look, Elise, will you please get out of here?" "No, I'm not going." "I'm going to wait and see that woman." "All right, if you won't get out, I'll get out." "Make yourself comfortable." "Jackie, bring back some ginger ale." "Hello!" "Wait!" "I want to talk to you!" "There's nothing you can say to me!" "I actually waited in the rain for you for one solid hour!" "What?" "!" "...for one solid hour." "I showed up!" "What?" "I showed up!" "I can't hear anything with this crazy noise." "Well, look, come on, let's go down here, and I'll tell you all about it." "Mr. Warburton, I told you I had no intention of seeing or speaking to you again." "Oh, please, Miss Abercrombie." "If you only knew how I'd suffered the last few days." "I had every intention of keeping that appointment, and then at the last moment, unforeseen circumstances." "Oh, you mean the shower?" "Yeah." "What?" "The shower, the downpour." "Oh, yes, yes, of course." "I should have realized that sudden downpours do make a difference." "Yes, indeed, they do, Miss Abercrombie, indeed, they do." "By the way, have you had dinner?" "Mr. Warburton, really you mustn't." "Oh, please, it's the least I can do." "Where would you suggest... the Colony, Pierre's, the Ambassador, the Ritz?" "So, you see, I just had to know you, even if I haven't got an aunt in Westchester." "You know, I don't think I ever believed you really had, Mr. Warburton." "Suppose I told you that I was a night watchman in a crummy loft." "Suppose I told you I was just a chambermaid." "Check, please. $1." "Oh, to be sure, the check." "Bring me some change." "What are you going to do tomorrow?" "Tomorrow?" "Yes, tomorrow." "You don't have to work sundays, do you?" "Tomorrow... oh, I believe the Icyair Company is giving a picnic for their employees." "3-legged races, greased pole, prizes, and refreshments." "I wonder if it'll be any fun." "Sounds terrible." "I thought so, too, but perhaps we might... we?" "Oh, you mean you and me?" "Oh, well, that's different." "Well, yes, if you'd like." "We're each supposed to bring an escort." "Say no more." "You'll be escorted to your little pink ears." "Thank you." "Won't you even let me put you in a cab?" "Mnh-mnh." "Thanks." "But don't forget." "You're going to meet me in front of the Icyair Building in the morning at 9:00." "The night will be all too long." "Flowers, buddy?" "Look, nice and fresh." "It's the last bunch." "I tell you what I do." "Give me 75 cents to buy for the lady." "Well, a happy thought." "Here." "Thank you never too much." "Would you wear these to the picnic tomorrow?" "Aww, thanks, but you shouldn't have done that." "Oh, please, I'd only spend the money on something foolish... a yacht, a bassoon, a polar bear." "Well, I've..." "I've got to say good night." "I have some work to do at the office." "Good night, Jack." "Good night, Mary." "What am I doing here?" "That's what I'd like to know." "Who are you?" "Who are you?" "How dare you ask me who I am." "Well, whoever you are, that's my bed." "Stop that!" "What are you doing here?" "I haven't the faintest idea." "Well, why did you come here?" "I don't remember a thing." "Is this your garret, my girl?" "It certainly is." "And if it's any interest to you, that's my bed." "And that's my bureau, and that's my cedar chest." "And whose bed is that?" "That... that's none of your business." "Perfectly disgusting!" "Wash my hands of the whole sordid mess." "You're not worthy of him." "Him?" "Who do you mean?" "That little, cheap, 5-cent artist." "I tried to help him, to protect him, but you're dragging him down and down." "I'm not!" "Don't you say that!" "I don't even know him, and I've never seen him." "And if you're an example of his friends, I hope I never see him." "And now, would you please get out, or shall I call Mr. Eckbaum?" "How dare you." "I've never been so insulted in my life." "Disgusting." "Mrs. Elise Peabody Whittington Smythe... disgusting affair in a garret." "You dirty, filthy, detestable creature!" "Mary?" "Mary?" "Mary?" "Boys and girls!" "Boys and girls!" "Now, the main events of the day are going to take place now." "We're going to have the races." "We're going to have an obstacle race, a sack race, a 3-legged race, a fat men's race, and various other kinds of races, including the human race." "...and the Icyair refrigerator is the best icebox you'll ever have..." "Well, this is a lot more like it." "Like what?" "Like a picnic." "What's your idea of a picnic?" "Oh, someone you want to be with and a chance to be with them." "A spot like this, quiet." "It is quiet, isn't it?" "Now comes the big moment of the day." "We're going to award the prizes for the winners of the races." "Now, the first winner to receive a prize is miss tilly prendergast, who won the obstacle race." "Tilly, it gives me great pleasure to award you this badge of merit for having won the obstacle race." "And in the race of life, may you always overcome all obstacles with equal ease." "Have you seen Mary?" "No, I haven't." "Well, the next is, Morton McGillicuddy." "The winner!" "Morton won the, uh, fat men's race." "He won it by a neck and three chins." "There you are, Morton." "There's your badge." "Have you seen Mary?" "No, I haven't." "Next come Bobbie Finklestein," "Ophelia Grogan, and Tessie Ellis." "Come, come, girls, don't hide your talents under a bushel." "Now, to each one of you, in the great and glorious name of Icyair," "I award these badges." " Have any of you seen..." " No, we haven't." "I wonder if we can keep on seeing each other like this." "I don't see why not." "You know, you're such a sweet girl, Mary." "I don't amount to much." "Well, your arteries are all right, aren't they?" "And that arm feels pretty substantial." "And you're not dependent upon the public's charity, are you?" "No, my arteries are all right, my arms are all right, but I can't answer for my heart." "What's that?" "I didn't know it was that late." "I'll bet they're leaving." "Thank you, sir galahad." "We're left behind." "Ugh!" "Ohh!" "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "I'm all right." "Are you?" "Sure... oh!" "What's the matter?" "I think I sprained my ankle." "Oh, Jack, wait, here." "Wait, let me help you up." "Let me help you." "Oh, that's too bad." "Well, they're gone." "Maybe that's in our favor anyway." "Yeah, but how are we gonna get home?" "Taxi." "Come on." "Ow!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "You wait here." "I'll go phone for a taxi." "Well... taxi!" "Hey, taxi, hey!" "Mary!" "Mary, don't phone!" "I got a cab!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Mary!" "110 bleeker." "Go down 11th avenue." "Come on, Mary, here you are." "Gee, this is lucky." "Yeah." "Careful, now, careful." "Here, you can keep the quarter." "Is this... yeah, this is the place." "Not as bad as it looks." "It's worse." "Well, uh, what floor do you live on?" "You'd be surprised." "2nd floor..." "ladies millinery and dresses, babieswear, glassware, curtains, portieres, and whatnot." "Everything in this store is strictly on credit." "10% down, the rest when we catch it." "Don't forget our big fire sale next week." "Going up?" "3rd floor... men and boys." "Going up." "Last call." "Men and boys ready-to-wear clothes." "We regret the elevators have been disconnected." "Next week, we hope to have escalators." "4th floor... period furniture, antiques, oriental and domestic rugs, delicatessen and bake shop, restaurant, dog harnesses, leashes, and puppy biscuits." "Come on in." "It's pretty terrible, but come on in anyway." "Well, now that you're all right, I guess I'd better go." "What? "all right"?" "Say, listen, young lady," "I've been putting up a pretty brave show, but the fact is I'm likely to pass out at any minute." "Come on, stay with me a little longer, will you?" "Well, all right, but just for a little while." "That ankle ought to be bound up." "I'll see if I can find something to bind it with." "Here, this will do." "Hey!" "Look out!" "It's all right." "It isn't any good." "Hey, don't do that!" "She'll be madder than 17 siamese scorpions." "She'll break out in spots!" "Oh, no, she w..." ""she"?" "Who?" "Oh, I don't know her name." "You see, Mary, there's some kind of a scrawny old maid that's got half of this attic." "Scrawny old maid?" "Really?" "Yeah, it's some fool arrangement of the landlord's." "I don't know her." "I've never even seen her." "She's got the place at night while I work in the loft." "And you have it during the day." "How interesting." "It's the one blot on my life." "Eckbaum asked me to do it just to help her out." "You see, she's down and out." "Oh, she is?" "Yeah, and you'd think she'd act in keeping with her situation." "But of all the mean, unpleasant... oh, you don't like her?" "Like her?" "I'd like to break her skinny neck." "Ouch!" "Ohh!" "Sorry." "You know why I never met you that day at the park?" "She took my suit..." "my one decent suit!" "and hung it under the shower." "Aw, she didn't." "Oh, didn't she, the little old sour-faced, dried-up... oh, she's a blight!" "Papa!" "Papa!" "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "They're together, him and her." "That's impossible." "That shouldn't be." "I'll snip that right in the bud." "Get out of the way." "Oh, she's a pest, sitting up nights, just thinking of mean, nasty little things to do." "She ought to live in a rathole." "I wish she did." "I'd fill it full of ground glass." "Well, if you feel that way about her, then I guess I'd better go." "Oh, no, please." "She hasn't got anything to do with us." "Well, I'd better... well, suppose she should come in here." "I wish she would." "I'd tell her just what I've told you, right to her pasty face." "Oh, you would?" "I certainly would." "But there's no chance because she's not allowed up here till 8:00." "Well, I'd better go." "I hope your ankle gets all right." "Mary, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "What is this here?" "What am I seeing?" "A hallucination?" "Now, listen, Jack, you know it ain't in the arrangement for you two to be together." "What are you talking about?" "What arrangement?" "That's all right." "Please." "I'm going right away." "No, you stay where you are." "What are you trying to slip over, Eckbaum?" "At least I'm allowed to have visitors here." "Now, Jack, we hashed that up long ago." "Now, you got to stick to the agreement." "You from 8:00 in the morning till 8:00 at night." "You from 8:00 at night till 8:00 in the morning." "But to be together alone at any time, say, that ain't even respectable." "You got to go right away, Miss Carroll." "Say, wait a minute." "You?" "You live here in this attic?" "Certainly, she lives in this attic." "Now, Jack, listen, stop taking me for a boogie ride, you hear?" "Then you're the one that put my suit... my good suit..." "under the shower." "Why did you tell me the shower was working and then fix it so it'd fall on my head?" "!" "It fell on your head?" "Oh, that's funny, isn't it?" "Yes, on my head, and I've still got the bump." "Furthermore, if you think sawing my bed in half was a funny idea... how about the time you put glue on my toothbrush?" "I asked you nicely to leave that toothbrush alone." "It's a pity you can't keep your hands off things." "Keep my hands off things?" "What about my $2, the $2 for my laundry." "You never did find that $2, did you, Mr. Eckbaum?" "I put $2 on that table." "I-I... who put what $2 on whose table?" "It's perfectly ridiculous." "I loathe disputes." "My girl, did I understand you to say this young man took your $2?" "And that's another thing." "When I came here last night, I found this woman on my bed." "What was she doing on my bed?" "Here's $5, my girl." "Now, will you go away and leave us?" "Elise, what are you trying to do?" "No, Jackie, let me give this girl her money." "It's probably all she cares about anyhow." "She's not worthy of you, Jackie." "I'm going to take you away from it all." "I have an idea." "I'm going to charter a yacht, and we'll sail away together on the wings of the wind." "We'll do nothing of the sort." "What?" "You don't want to sail away on the wings of the wind?" "You persist in continuing with this affair with this little snippet?" "Don't you call me a snippet, you ice wagon!" "How dare you!" "I forgive you, Jackie." "Now, listen, madam, contain yourself." "How dare you!" "Take your hands off me!" "Don't you dare touch my comb, you wicked old whale!" "Look out, Mary." "Hear, hear, what are you doing to this little girl?" "I'm not going to stay in this place another minute!" "Here, little lady, what's it all about?" "That filthy, horrible, detestable man and his filthy, horrible, detestable... oh, yeah?" "!" "Well, you hop in the hack." "I'll attend to that." "Look here, are you two married?" "No, just living together." "And if you think what I think you think," "I'll punch you right in the nose." "Well, as the girl's employer," "I demand an explanation of all this." "Oh, in your icebox, Hubbell!" "So, here you are!" "I'm a guy that don't argue." "Ugh!" "Mary?" "Mary?" "Aw, Mary, darling, I'm awfully sorry about the $2." "I did take it, but I'll bet you can't guess what I did with it." "W-w-w-what?" "I took you to dinner, then I bought you roses." "And, oh, I'm awfully sorry I sawed your bed in half." "Aw, Mary." "Shame on you!" "Well, how did I know he wasn't the guy?" "Nobody told me." "But it's all right." "I'll get him." "Never mind, Mr. Hubbell, I'll fix it." "Go and put your eye under the sink." "Put the sink under your eye." "I never want to see you again." "Don't you dare touch me." "Aw, Mary, will you please be reasonable?" "Aw, look, I couldn't help it." "So, you're the mug!" "When that lady says something, she means it!" "Don't you dare touch him, you big bully." "Can't you see he's, that is..." "I love... he's got a sore foot." "Hey, don't answer me now, but do you want that I should drive you around the park a time or two?" "Papa, are they gonna get married?" "Sure." "I arranged it." "Such an arranger."