"Okay, it's ten-all, and the good-looking Tribbiani drives to the right." "Oh, he goes around the other way." "Damn it!" "Get out!" "Boom... goes the dynamite!" "Hey." "What are you two idiots doing?" "What?" "The movie's paying me a lot of money." "I thought we could all have some fun." "Joey, those are so expensive." "You're spending money like a child." "Oh, please." "I'm just enjoying the fruits of my labor like any adult would, okay?" "New game: spin contest." "First one to puke gets $1,000." "Go." "Hey, Joey, I got your message about going to that open house with you." "Are you moving away?" "Well, I'm thinking about it, yeah." "I just drove by this incredible house." "What about us?" "And, and our platonic friendship?" "How are we supposed to hang out?" "I mean, how far away is this house?" "Well, it's just like a ten-minute walk up the hill." "So, dead sprint, like minute, minute-and-a-half?" "I'm really psyched to check out this new place." "Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm getting paid so well, on this movie," "I figured, why not start investing, you know?" "I've already thrown so much money down the toilet." " Doing what?" " Throwing money into a toilet." "It's stupid in retrospect, but in the moment, you feel so rich." "So, will you come with me to the open house?" "Yeah." "I told Gina I'd stop by her office for lunch, and after that, I'm free." "Great." "Okay." "Oh, hey, listen, speaking of Gina," "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention this house thing to her." "Yeah, sure." "Why not?" "Well, she's been riding me lately about how I'm wasting my money, and I don't want her to know I'm buying something so expensive." "You buying something expensive?" "Well, no." "No, no, no." "I was just, uh..." "Joey, you've been spending money like a crazy person lately." "First, the giant pickup truck, then the Segways, then the plasma TV for the boring part of the stairs?" "Hey, that landing was a real downer." "All I'm saying is, you're the first member of this family to make any decent money, and you don't know how long it's gonna last." "Okay, okay, you made your point." "I promise I won't buy any more stupid stuff." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some lines to go memorize." "You do it, Mr. T. You pity that fool." "Damn it!" "What's going on?" "I'm in a legal mess." "My friend Alex is a lawyer." "Alex?" "Yeah." "What's up?" "I just found out that I'm being charged with assault." "Why?" "What happened?" "I was having sex with Phil Collins." "Yeah, right in the middle of it, I realized I was having sex with Phil Collins." "Oh, and then I just went berserk." "I've handled a lot of assault cases." "Have you ever been arrested before?" "Bobbie Morganstern hasn't." "But, well, things could get tricky if they dig up the rap sheet on Roberta Faye Muncie." "Well, look, I could make some calls for you if you want." "Usually, they'll drop the charges if you agree to some kind of anger management therapy." "I don't need anger management." "I have my own way of dealing with my pent-up hostility." "Really?" "What do you do?" "I have a beautiful Zen garden." "And I go out there, and I slap around the little Asian man who tends it." "Wow." "This place is awesome." "Hello, I'm the Realtor, Susan Walters." "Please feel free to have a look around." "Okay." "Look at the view!" "There's a nice deck out there." "So, Susan, is there anything we should know about this place?" "Yes, the roof may need a little work." "Also, in the interest of full disclosure, the people who rented this house last used it to shoot pornographic films." "I feel like I know this place." "It's as if I've been here before again and again and again." "Have I been here before?" "I just, I feel like I was here for a slumber party or something." "And a lot of crazy stuff went down." "I was at that party, too." " Excuse me." "Where is the bathroom?" " Down the hall on the left." "Guys... this house was used to shoot pornos." "You watched my tape?" "Yeah, well, you left it in the VCR." " It was pretty good, right?" " Yes." " Guys." " Yeah." "So what do you think?" "I-I really love this place." "I think..." "I think I'm gonna make an offer." "Really?" "You don't want to look at any other houses?" "No." "It's the perfect combination of elegance with a disgusting past-- it's me." "Bobby, in anger management, we try to get to the emotional root of your hostility." "Now, I understand your parents divorced when you were very young." "That must have been hard." "Well, you know, I never really allowed myself to feel the pain." "But now, it's coming out." "Papa." "Oh." "Please come home." "I'll be a good girl if you stay." "Please, Papa." "Mock all you want, but you're obviously repressing something." "Anger can be a difficult thing to talk about, but we all experience it." "I have it." "I'm sure Alex has it." "Yeah, just this morning, someone cut me off, and I flipped him the bird." " I never do that." " Perfect." "Let's use Alex as an example." "Tell me about this person who made you so mad." "Well, he was just this cocky guy in a Ferrari, driving around like he owned the road." "He didn't even see me." "That's a very interesting specific." "I'd say there's probably a carefree guy out there in your life who doesn't notice you." "I bet you're picturing him in your mind right now." " No, no, I'm not." " Ah, you know his name." " No, I don't..." " Say it." "Yeah, come on." "Just say his name." "I want to hear his name." " Just say it." " Come on, say it." "Say it!" " Say it!" " Just say it, Alex." " Just say it." " Say it!" "All right, fine!" "It's Joey!" "Well, well, well." "The little Dutch boy has a crush on the movie star." "Wow." "I never realized how angry he's making me." "I mean, he refuses to grow up, he dates these dumb girls, and the worst part is, he just thinks we're buddies." "That's a great example." "Thank you for helping us, Alex." "But if you want my advice, confront Joey, or your anger's gonna keep coming out in inappropriate ways." "Oh, for what it's worth, he did tell me that he can't stop thinking about you." " Really?" " Not really." " Hey." " Hey." "Just running some numbers on the house." " Can you help me?" " Yeah, sure." "In one of the movies filmed there, six women were able to fit in the hot tub, okay?" "Now, if I reduce the average breast size from a D to a B... do you think I could fit ten?" "Joey, we need to talk." "I'm very angry with you." "Why?" "What did I do?" "It's not even your fault, and I wouldn't bring it up, but I'm afraid that if I don't confront my anger that it could come out in very inappropriate ways." "Alex, Alex, hey." "You can tell me anything, okay?" "That's the great thing about our relationship." "We're buddies." " Yeah, we're buddies." " Yeah." "So what did you want to talk about?" "Well, I'm angry with you-- pal." "Because you haven't been telling me more about these ladies you're dating, like the one last night." "I bet she had a nice rack." "Hello!" "Yeah." "Oh, man, I'm late." "All right, I got to go, but later on, we are gonna have this conversation." "Oh, great, yeah." "Oh!" "I can't wait!" "Chew with your freakin' mouth shut!" "You slack-jawed jackass." "Hey, hey, what's up, man?" " Hey." " Hey, check this out." "I'm dating the prop lady on your movie, right?" "Check out what she gave me." "You're so lucky." "I'm sleeping with the lighting lady, and all I got was this." "Oh, hey, check out the house I bid on." "Ah?" "You can see it's spacious, right?" "And if that gentleman would just move..." "What a view." "Wait a minute, is that?" "Catalina Island?" "Yes, it is." "Wow." "Okay, now, see those two women making out on the ground?" "Oh, my God." "Is that original tile?" "All right, now, see those five people?" "Keep the L shape they've formed, but instead, they're a sectional couch." " Whoa." " What an eye." "Bravo." "Yeah." "I hope this works out." " I love this house so much." " Yeah, me, too." "Aw." "Nothing like a young boy sitting on the couch watching porn with his uncle's friend." "We're not watching porn." " Joey's gonna buy this..." " Playground." "What?" "Yeah, I'm buying a playground for the children of porn actors." "Okay, fine, I'm buying a house." "What?" "You haven't even put any thought into this." "I don't want to hear about it, okay?" "It's done." "I'm just waiting for the Realtor to call me back and let me know if they accepted my bid." "I am not letting you do this." "That's her." "Hey." "Ow!" "Hello." "Yeah, uh, Joey doesn't want the house." "Take the other offer." "Susan, hey, it's Joey!" "Listen, I want to..." "Ow!" "What is the matter with you?" "!" "I am not gonna let you blow your money like this." "The only thing you know about this house is that they shot porn there." "That's not true." "I know you can fit 16 small-breasted women in the hot tub." "You're not doing it." "That's not the only phone in the house, Gina." "Where's the cordless?" "Hey, Susan, it's Joey." "Listen, I..." "What?" "Already?" "And there's nothing I can do?" "I understand." "Thanks, bye." "I lost the house." "Thanks a lot, Gina." "Oh, God." "I've just been sick about this thing with Joey." "I got to find a way to get him that house back." "Hello, Susan?" "Hi, this is Gina Tribbiani." "Joey's really upset that he lost that house." "Is there any way we can make an offer now?" "Actually, there might be." "The seller's become uncomfortable with the other bidder." "It was her childhood home and she'd really prefer to sell it to a young married couple like you and Joey." "She thinks we're married." "What the hell." "We're married." "Well, your timing is perfect." "I have the seller right here." "Hello, dear." "I'm Margaret Bly." "Uh, "Tribbiani," that's an Anglo-Saxon name, right?" "Uh... sure." "Do you have any children?" "Oh, I actually do." "I have a son." "Well, why don't you drop by and bring your little boy along." "My little boy?" "Uh..." "And if it's not too much trouble, on the way over, pick me up some marble cake." "And a carton of menthol cigarettes, any kind." "Well, don't look at me like that." "She offered." "Oh, man, she thinks I have a little boy, and she wants me to bring him." "No problem." "You can use my girlfriend's son, Milo." " Really?" " Yeah." "He's at school, but I'll just sneak over there during recess and I'll grab him off the playground." "Joey, come down here." "Michael..." "Hi, Gina." "I have to apologize for exploding at you." "I am having issues right now that have nothing to do with you and I just need to address them." "Oh, good, you're here." "Joey..." "Hold on a second, Alex." "What do you want, Gina?" "Come with me." "I found a way to fix things between us." "Yeah, you better." "What kind of sister are you?" "My good friend Alex wouldn't do anything like that to me." "Right, buddy?" "Yeah, right, buddy!" "Um, hey, Alex." "Do you maybe want to play some racquetball with me later?" "Yeah, maybe after you finish your breakfast!" "Bobbie, so far you've been nothing but patronizing, abusive, profane, and sexually inappropriate." "I never want to see you again, so I'm willing to sign this paper." "But just to maintain one shred of professional integrity," "I really need you to say, "I won't attack Phil Collins again."" " I cannot say that." " Good enough for me." "Oh, good, you're still here." "Leonard, I really need to talk to you." "I have been totally insane lately." "I'm sorry, I'd love to help, but I'm done here." "No, I don't think you understand..." "I said I'm done!" "What is your problem?" "I can't talk to Joey, and now I'm totally out of control." "I just wish I had never slept with him." "You think you're the only one who feels alone and rejected?" "I know what it's like to hurt." "And when I hurt, I need a friend." "Do you need a friend, Alex?" "So much." "Alex... meet Jack." "Joey's a great guy, but Jack... he'll love you forever." "We're supposed to be married and Zach is bringing us a kid?" "I'm never gonna get this house." "Hey, I am trying to fix this." "I'm doing like you do-- following my instincts." "No, no, no, no." "We're supposed to follow my instincts, okay?" "Your instincts led you to run out on the ice, pregnant, during a Rangers game." "To celebrate a hat trick." "Oh, there you are." "Where's the kid?" "I ran into a little hitch." "I couldn't get Milo to leave school with me." "I tried everything." "I offered him candy, I told him his mother was in the hospital." "Just when I opened up my jacket to show him my cool belt buckle, all hell broke loose." "But don't worry about it because I got you this." "A doll?" "What the hell am I gonna do with a doll?" "It's not a doll." "It's an animatronic baby." "I got it from my girlfriend." "They use it on shows like ER." "Dr. Carter killed this thing twice." "Here, hold it." "Check this out." "I'm telling you, it'll work." "See that?" "See the head move?" "This is never gonna work." "Hello, I'm Margaret Bly." "I'm Gina Tribbiani, and this is my husband, Joey." " Hi." " And this is our son, um..." "Heimlich." "Oh, Roscoe, hush." "Let me put him out." "Come in." "Make yourselves at home." "Heimlich?" "Nice name." "I'm sorry." "Did I pick a weird name for the robot baby I had with my sister?" "Hey, come on, look." "Don't worry about it." "You guys go on in." "I'm gonna be over here by this window working the remote." "I have the kettle on for a cup of tea." "Oh, look at him sleep." "Yeah." "So peaceful, so still." "He's a good boy." "Yeah, isn't that right, Heimlich?" "I haven't seen the house, yet." "Can you give me a tour?" "Oh, certainly." "Right this way." "This was a wonderful house to grow up in." "Brightly lit, lots of closets for lots of toys." "Oh, and I must show you the charming crawlspace where my sister and I would hide when Father succumbed to the demon drink." "So there's four bedrooms upstairs?" "That's right." "And three and a half baths." "Oh, God, this place is really, really perfect." "Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that." "You and your husband seem like wonderful people." "Uh, where is Joey?" "There he is." "Oh, I was just, uh, checking out the backyard." "Magnificent." "Oh, uh..." "Let me just, uh, have a moment alone with my son." "Okay." "Hey, moron!" "Okay." "Ah." "Oh, boy, he loves the sound of my voice." "Oh, tea's ready." "Right this way." "There's a plate of cookies in the other room." " I'll be right back." " Okay." "This is a disaster." "What are you talking about?" "It's totally working." "Totally work...?" "Is it me or do you smell something, like, burning plastic?" "Heimlich!" "We are not good parents." "Hope you like chocolate chip." "Where's Heimlich?" " Uh..." " Oh..." "Well, he got a little gassy, so the nanny took him out to the car." "Well, that's just too bad that he won't be able to see your faces when you find out." "I'm selling you the house." "I got the house?" "I got the house!" "Well, aren't you gonna kiss your wife?" "I love you, falafel." "Oh, have you met Bobbie's friend Jack?" "You would really love him." "Hey, Alex." "Hey, Joey." "Is, uh..." "is your elbow bleeding?" "Yeah, I fell on the sidewalk." "You, uh..." "Uh, come here." "You got some, uh..." "Are you okay?" "No, I'm not okay." "I've been putting this off, but there's something that I wanted to tell you." "And since you never get anything through your thick skull," "I'm just gonna spell it out for you." " I'm mad at you." " Why?" "Because I love you." "And I love my falafel." "I love you, too." "But why don't we put you to bed?" "Here you go." "Come on." "Back off or I'll cut you!" "To good friends... and good family-- the people that are going to make my dream house my dream home." " Hey." " Yeah." "I mean, what a beautiful place." "I've never seen anything quite so charming." "Hey, where's the bathroom?" "Down the hall on the left."