"[Theme song playing]" "[Singing] "And many more!"" "TEACHER:" "Miss Souphanousinphone!" "Please!" "Now, let's all settle." "Mr. Hill." "We're going to sing My Bonnie." "[All groaning]" "[Blowing note on pitch pipe]" "[Singing] "My Connie is a Laotian" ""My Connie lives next door to me" ""My Connie is a Laotian" ""And I have to go take a pee"" "[All laughing]" "[Pitch pipe sounds]" "TEACHER:" "What did I tell you two?" "Bobby?" "Connie?" "This is the third time this week." "I've suffered through everything from "Old Man Liver"... to "The Smellow Nose of Texas."" "It's time we involved your parents." "[Both gasping]" "[Car approaching]" "HANK:" "Kahn?" "What are you doing here?" "God, they frame Kahn Jr." "I'm here to grease some palms." "You're here to read the gas meter, right?" "That's your job?" "No, I sell propane and propane accessories." "Bobby got in trouble, too." "I had to take off work." "Why?" "Where your wife?" "She surrogate mother today?" "Peggy is a substitute teacher." "Bobby, what's the idea of acting up in class?" ""Acting out," Mr. Hill." "We call it acting out." "I just sang a song parody, Dad." "Like Weird Al Yankovich." "Bobby, Al Yankovich blew his brains out in the late '80s... after people stopped buying his records." "He's not worth getting into trouble over." "Kahn Jr., that Bobby dragging you down like a chicken fat anchor." "Time out!" "It's all knitting together." "You see, Bobby and Connie's disruptive behaviors... stem from bad parental imaging at home." "You're saying it's my fault I'm here?" "I won't play your blame game, Mr. Hill." "Your son mocked a beautiful Scottish folk song." "We owe it to ourselves to find out why." "KAHN:" "Yeah, he make a good point, Hank." "He says you're bad father." "No, you're not bad dads." "You have "Bad-dad habits."" "[Hank sighing]" "[Clearing throat]" "Gentlemen, let's try an active-listening exercise." "Kahn, I want you to tell Hank something you like about him... while Hank actively listens to the compliment." "Bobby, Connie, watch and learn." "[Kahn growling]" "It's your boy's fault we're here!" "He bad crowd!" "You punish him!" "You don't worry about Bobby." "You just punish Kahn Jr." "She's the mastermind behind all this." "There will be punishment!" "Darn right there'll be punishment." "Give me that!" "Joseph says Bobby's in the doghouse." "How you gonna punish him, Hank?" "Well, sir, that boy's gonna clean my rain gutters." "Well, whatever works for you." "I believe a child benefits more from the psychological approach." "When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted." "[Dale laughing]" "Yeah, my dad used to punish me by telling me I was a girl." "He used to make me wear dresses." "Pretty, pretty dresses." "Let's go, Bobby." "It's debt-paying time." "[Door opens and closes]" "[Birds singing]" "I wonder what old Kahn has in store for Kahn Jr." "What the..." "Kahn, what are you doing?" "Mowing the lawn is a privilege... not a punishment." "I'm putting fear of God into Kahn Jr." "She learn what it like to be you." "You know, it's that kind of permissive parenting... that forfeited your country to the Communists." "[Groaning]" "[Birds chirping]" "Baby birds!" "Where's your mommy?" "[Screaming]" "Stop that!" "I was being nice to them!" "[Thumping on roof]" "That's a roof, not American Bandstand!" "Hank, let him dance." "He's happy." "[Bobby groaning]" "[Bobby moaning]" "Tell you what, baby bird." "Hi." "A bird pecked my head." "[Exclaims]" "Parents are such a drag." "Yeah." "They're always treating us like kids." "We're not children." "We're preteens, dammit!" "Let's get out of this dump." "Do something fun." "Yeah, as long as we're back for supper." "My mom's fixing pork pockets." "Okay." "It's a deal." "[Romantic instrumental music playing]" "[Cheerful instrumental music]" "Let's boogie!" "CONNIE:" "Why are you stopping?" "BOBBY:" "We gotta get Joseph." "I don't like Joseph." "He threw a dodge ball at me once." "Well, I'm sure he had a good reason." "[Bicycle approaching]" "JOSEPH:" "You wanna do something?" "CONNIE:" "Bobby already has plans with me." "BOBBY:" "Yeah." "Want to come?" "JOSEPH:" "Sure." "[Grunting]" "What do you guys want to do?" "We could go press the crosswalk buttons and run away." "Cool!" "Bobby and I don't like to do that." "Well, Bobby and me do." "We could go to the library and talk." "Yeah!" "Why don't we just go back to school and wait for tomorrow?" "Hey, come on, guys!" "Don't make this a contest for my friendship." "Now, I say we go to Electric Town, and watch TV." "[Joseph and Connie buzzing]" "[Exclaiming]" "We could go to the caves." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Come on, guys!" "It'll be like sneaking into an R movie." "You've been to an R movie?" "Yeah." "But the only person naked was Harvey Keitel." "We should go for it." "JOSEPH:" "The caves are probably dark." "Let's get butane lighters." "My dad says butane's a bastard gas." "CONNIE:" "I'm getting scented candles." "This one smells like leather pants." "I got tube chips and spray cheese." "They keep." "I got glow wands... and pantyhose for the lady." "HANK:" "What the hell are you doing?" "BOOMHAUER:" "Getting an old tan, man." "We just cleaned your gutters for you." "But that was Bobby's punishment." "Maybe you'd call it punishment." "I call it "funishment."" "Where is Bobby?" "KAHN:" "Hey, Kahn Jr!" "Where are you?" "Now it's starting to make some sense." "[Mower engine running]" "She did it again, Kahn." "Your little siren led my boy astray." "Your skinhead gone, too?" "I tell you what, when I do find those kids... they're gonna be in real trouble now." "DALE:" "Have you seen Joseph?" "He's not back with my Pick 6 numbers, and I'm starting to worry." "I can't win it if I'm not in it." "JOSEPH:" "Yeah, the entrance is in the weeds somewhere." "ALL:" "The caves!" "Hey!" "You shouldn't go in there." "Yeah, right." "Just play with your toy, Randy." "Later, loser." "Wait." "Maybe Randy's right." "Bobby, if you're scared, you can stay out here." "You can pretend it's headquarters." "RANDY:" "You want to watch me fly my plane?" "BOBBY:" "Wait for me." "RANDY:" "You'll be sorry!" "You'll be..." "Ow!" "KAHN:" "First we look for Kahn Jr." "At Contemporary Art Museum." "Sorry, Arlen doesn't have one." "Let's get one thing straight." "You may be driving, but I'm leading this posse... and if forced, I will commandeer the vehicle." "[Peggy stuttering]" "PEGGY:" "Do you see them?" "[Car accelerating]" "Please take pedal from metal." "They probably at the mall." "My heart is racing here, Minh." "When my heart races, my Buick follows." "Calm down, for Peggy Hill." "Look at my hand." "Still as a Monet water lily." "Well, being calm comes natural to you Buddhists." "So what if Connie's run away?" "She'll just come back as a grasshopper or sea horse!" "I'm so sorry, Minh." "I'm just a little on the edge." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Hey, look at this!" "CONNIE: "The Boneyard."" "CONNIE:" "It's written in ancient English." "BOBBY:" "What's "The Boneyard"?" "I can't remember." "It's either the place where old people go to die... or young people go to make out." "What if you're wrong, and it's where young people go to die... and old people go to make out?" "KAHN:" "I told you!" "Kahn Jr." "Not there." "[Kahn exclaims]" "Kahn Jr." "Go there!" "BOBBY:" "No American child would run away to a sheet-music store." "They do if they want to hide from hillbilly parent." "Last place you look, hillbilly." "[Babies crying on TV]" "I thought you and Minh were looking for Bobby and Connie." "PEGGY:" "Minh decided she would rather look for them in a taxi." "I am such a jumble." "Aunt Peggy, why don't you sit down with the TV for a minute... and clear your head?" "Okay, but for just a moment." "LUANNE:" "Guess what?" "Monsignor Martinez rented a sports car... in the name of those little babies." "[In Spanish]" "[Explosion on TV]" "[Bobby groaning]" "I don't think I can make it." "CONNIE:" "Yes, you can, Bobby." "JOSEPH:" "Grab onto my shirt." "[Bobby grunting]" "[Joseph exclaiming]" "[Joseph panting]" "JOSEPH:" "We did it!" "We're in the Boneyard." "[Connie whooping]" "[Bobby grunts]" "CONNIE:" "Who's Frampton?" "JOSEPH:" "Score!" "Playboy!" "Great!" "I haven't seen this one." "I hope there's an article by Norman Mailer." "Check this out." ""Our unabashed dictionary defines 'heavy petting'..." ""as when things get out of control at a Weight Watchers' meeting."" "[Both laughing uproariously]" "[Bobby laughing uncertainly]" "He doesn't get it." "I'm starting to get things." "[Tense instrumental music]" "I thought the kids would be here, sure as the world." "I'll be dipped!" "Hey, Randy, have you seen Bobby, and Joseph, and that Kahn Jr?" "Maybe, maybe not." "What are you gonna do?" "We're gonna tan their hides." "They're in the caves." "I did the right thing." "I told them not to go." "You heard him, Hank." "We have no legal responsibility." "The caves?" "Oh, my God!" "KAHN:" "Wait!" "What's the problem?" "That's good news, right?" "Now we know where they are." "DALE:" "No, Kahn." "Heap bad news." "The caves are where Arlen teenagers go to make... well, whoopee." "[Joseph giggling]" "Check it out!" "BOBBY:" "It must have fallen off some woman." "JOSEPH:" "Here, Connie, you could use this." "CONNIE:" "Thanks." "Hey, Connie!" "I found you this." "Skoal." "Yuck!" "And I wrote you a song." "[Humming]" "[Unenthusiastically] Yeah, that's great." "BOBBY:" "Dang!" "CONNIE:" "That was our last candle." "CONNIE:" "I'm scared." "JOSEPH:" "Me, too." "BOBBY:" "Me, three." "Wait." "We've got glow wands." "[Dejected instrumental music]" "[Car approaching]" "[Dale panting]" "DALE:" "Those are their bikes." "They're inside, all right." "Oh, God." "I can't see." "I can't see!" "We're all gonna die!" "Dale, you have your sunglasses on." "Gotcha." "Tell you what, Dale." "Why don't you go tell Peggy and Minh we're here, so they don't worry?" "I notice my wife's name was not among those mentioned." "Am I to assume Nancy should continue worrying?" "You go now!" "DALE:" "Mayday!" "[Dale yelling]" "The kids are in the caves." "My goodness!" "That is where half of Arlen's unplanned pregnancies begin." "Hank and Kahn have gone in to pry them apart." "Dear Lord, let them find those kids before I am in-laws with Minh." "[Spraying]" "Maybe we should get back now." "Yeah, I guess." "No, it's this way, isn't it?" "JOSEPH:" "No, we came in that way." "I think." "Oh, no." "Yeah, we're lost." "Take me to Boneyard." "HANK:" "Hold on a second." "I don't remember which way to go." "It's been a while." "I need to get my bearings, here." "While you get your "bearings"... my child bearing your child's child." "[Groans]" "[Stammering]" "I think it's this way." "[Bobby munching]" "I can't stop." "It's out of my control." "Way to go!" "We're out of food!" "BOBBY:" "I'm sorry." "When I'm upset, I get hungry." "We're all upset, Bobby." "BOBBY:" "But you're upset together, and I'm upset all by myself." "I see things clearly now." "I'm gonna grow up without anyone to love... and die friendless and alone like Weird Al Yankovich." "I won't stand in your way." "When the time comes..." "I want you to eat me." "You'd do that for us?" "Of course, I would." "You're my best friends." "My body is my gift to you." "But it wouldn't have to be, if you'd left us some of those chips." "Bobby, that is so kind... and brave." "Thank you." "I'm doing it for your children, too." "We have to think of them." "NANCY:" "I'm starting to worry." "Hank and Kahn should've found them by now." "Don't worry, Nancy." "I'm sure they're safe... and not exploring each other's bodies." "DALE:" "Even if they are, there's nothing that lovers do... that could possibly take this long." "Am I right?" "JOHN REDCORN:" "Yes, if you only consider your own needs." "Oh, gosh!" "I think I need a beer." "Honey, you want a beer?" "DALE:" "Yes." "JOHN REDCORN:" "Yes." "How did he know I wanted a beer?" "[Both grunting]" "Too narrow." "Must go back." "We've gotta go forward." "Come on!" "Shove me, dammit!" "[Kahn grunting]" "[Both shrieking]" "[Kahn exclaiming]" "Now I sticky with beer." "This the worst birthday I ever had." "I didn't know it was your birthday." "I'm 41." "You know, I think we're lost." "You think so?" "Dale will bring the fire department." "They'll find us." "That's great!" "All hopes for survival pinned on Dale Gribble." "I'm gonna die like a English Patient girlfriend." "Long, painful, boring death!" "Well, if we're lost, the kids are probably lost, too." "You make me nervous." "That Joseph with Kahn Jr." "His whole family like a Tennessee Williams play." "Well, Joseph's a good boy." "Say, why aren't you nervous about my Bobby?" "Until puberty, he do no worse than a hickey." "Besides, I know he a good boy." "I appreciate that, Kahn, but I tell you what." "Many a good boy's gone bad in the Boneyard." "I shouldn't be telling you this... but it's where a lot of us got to second base for the first time." "What you call second base?" "[Laughing nervously]" "Well, where I come from..." "[Hank clears throat]" "It means..." "Well..." "[Voice cracking]" "Meaning that..." "You see, when two people are attracted to each other... well, your hand..." "Don't explain a home run, you'll have a heart attack." "In Laos we call it pa son pate." ""Pa son pate."" "I like it." "It sounds clean." "We need more good euphemisms like that in this country." "So, tell me, where did you hit your first pa son pate?" "Louangphrabang City." "Wild town, man." "Spring break, and two out of three guys are monks." "Try not get some pa son pate." "[Both laughing]" "[Laughing continues]" "Hey, Bobby!" "That sounds like your dad." "And that sounds like your dad, Connie." "It can't be." "They're not yelling at each other." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "[All screaming]" "BOBBY:" "Dad!" "HANK:" "Bobby!" "Kahn Jr!" "[Happy instrumental music playing]" "Hello, Joseph." "Hey, Mr. Hill." "KAHN:" "Well, now we all together." "Sit back and relax." "Wait for Dale Gribble to save us." "Son, stop that." "This is a desperate situation." "Besides, it's littering." "It's already littered, Dad." "Somebody else dropped it before us... from up there." "Hey, there is a hole up there." "Look." "That could be our way out!" "Hey, hold your fire up there!" "BOOMHAUER:" "What're you doing in the old..." "Hank doing down there in the Boneyard?" "...get down in there, don't wander around, what's wrong with you, man?" "Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you're saying!" "Must be the echo!" "Just get the fire department to lower a rope!" "BOOMHAUER:" "Hey, Hank, ten-four to go to lower that rope." "[All exclaiming]" "My little golden child!" "[Both sighing]" "Okay, Hank, put Bobby's bike in the trunk... and buckle him into the back seat, facing us, so we both can watch him." "Now, Peggy, he's not a baby anymore." "He's a preteen." "He and Joseph rode their bikes here." "They can ride them home." "Thanks, Dad." "Connie, you need a lift?" "Yeah, Connie." "You want a lift?" "Kahn Jr., you come with me." "We go get ice cream and tetanus shot." "I think Connie likes you." "[Joseph mutters]" "She likes you." "The minute you said we could eat you, she was yours." "Well, maybe she likes both of us." "Yeah, women have trouble choosing between guys sometimes." "They like to have their cake, and eat it, too." "I hear you." "BOBBY:" "Hey, Joseph." "JOSEPH:" "Yeah?" "What were you eating under there?" "Under where?" "BOBBY:" "You were eating underwear!" "JOSEPH:" "Shut up!" "BOBBY:" "Boxers or briefs?" "JOSEPH:" "You are such a goof!" "JOSEPH:" "You are such a goof!" "[Both laughing]" "BOBBY:" "Boxers or briefs?" "[Theme song playing]" "KAHN:" "Long, painful, boring death!"