"Previously on Weeds..." "Behold, the incorporated city of Majestic." "What we need is to redirect a small portion of our sewage through your town." "Shit highway could be our road to riches." "We need these votes." "Golf membership." " I play house." " Motion is passed." "It was Celia Hodes who recommended that I speak to you." "You just got yourself a job." "This community service thing is totally unsupervised." " You sold $2,000 in a day." " Impressive, huh?" "Your brother is mad at me." "I put him in Majestic summer school." "Maybe you and I can solve a murder." "Blood samples point to Kyle and Jill." "Jill had an abortion." "I'm setting in front of you documents which will honourably discharge you from the United States Army Reserves." " Can you grow here?" " Hell, yeah." "It's perfect." "All right, teach me some more grow business." "Guillermo's crew is all moody cos I jacked his horse." "I left you a package in the garage." "I need you to hold onto it for a spell." "Good morning." "You want huevos rancheros?" " Why are you cooking without clothes?" " No, I have underwear on." "There's a cotton barrier between my eggs and yours." "Would you please take a walk into the laundry room with me?" "Oh, please tell me there's not a body in there." " Yowza." " Heroin." " Heroin-o-licious." " Put it back." "Are you a smack dealer now, Nancy?" "Oh!" "Bringing the hammer down, turning out the bitch!" "Hardcore." "How much is it worth?" "Ah..." "I'm no expert." "I've heard tar is worth between $40,000 and $80,000 a key, and we've got 20 keys and that's wholesale." "Once you break down into chunks and balloons, you're talking 10 times that." "It's awesome." "Calm down." "You don't understand." "Oh, wait, is your..." "Jesus, Andy!" "What?" "That's a lot of money." "I'm excited for us." "Are you insane?" "This isn't ours." "We're not heroin dealers." "This stuff scares the shit out of me." " Hello?" " Good, you're up." " We're throwing a party." " Are we?" "I had a vision in the middle of the night." "Think big and festive." "Mixed drinks, strong." "And real food." "None of that California healthy crap." "Fried things wrapped in bacon." "Crowd-pleasers." " When are we throwing this party?" " Tomorrow." "It's for the Agrestic City Council, and whoever else matters in wherever the fuck you live." "Nice." "Tomorrow, as in 24 hours?" "Well, I was thinking late afternoon, so it's more like 31." "Your budget's five grand." "Make it look like 10." "I've e-mailed you a guest list." "Mayor asshole, councilman asshole." "Any other important assholes you think of, add them on." " Is this gonna be a problem?" " No, no, all good." "Great." "Wear something that shows off those sexy legs." "I look forward to seeing where they end sometime." "That's your one for the day." " Did I hear "party"?" " Yes, for the city council." " Go on, get out of here." " Oh, politicians." "Shit!" "This is perfect." "We can unload at least a key." "These are U-Turn's drugs, and he's going to take them back." "You... are going to shave and find a clean shirt." "You are going to cater this soirée, because we are going to have the party here tomorrow night." " Here?" "Not a restaurant or a hall?" " Not if we want to make four grand." " Take $1,000." "Make it look like $5,000." " I don't remember volunteering my services." "Maybe I have plans tomorrow." "Maybe I have a play date." " You live here for free." " Yes." "You eat my food." "You wipe your ass with my toilet paper." "I don't have to ask you shit." "Finish frying your eggs, and think up a menu that includes pork-wrapped items." "And wash your hands." "All I need now is for the boys to eat heroin eggs for breakfast." "Right, because then they'd want them every day." "Welcome to your new home, Miss Hodes." "We've got it promised out next week, some folks shooting a movie." "But after that, she's all yours." "Thank you, Sullivan Groff." "We'll have to keep it in the corporation's name for the first six months." " A house is a fat piece of swag to hide." " It works for me." "Keeps it out of my husband's stubby, little sausage fingers." " Husband?" " Yeah." " You're not wearing a ring." " I'm separated." "Dancing my way to divorce." "This is an amazing living room." "They call this the Great Room." "This is the room that sells the house." "Flat screen goes right here." " What the fuck?" " Here, get behind me." "God!" "Whore." " Cunt." " Cunt." " And another whore." " Whore." "Fucking Doug." "But you got to admit, he's quite accurate with a 5-iron." "I'm not dressed for this." "You said you wanted to talk." "This is my fitness time." " Ow." "Quit it." " Bob and weave, bob and weave." "Oh, no, too slow." " Come on!" " OK." "When are you coming to get your trunk?" " You looked, didn't you?" " It's in my house." "And there it shall remain, grasshopper." "Listen, I'm throwing a party tomorrow." "I can't be a storage space for your heroin." " Get the trunk out of my house now." " No more complaining." "Now, move your feet!" "Come on!" "What am I doing here?" "You are working off your debt and your ass." "Keep moving." " What do you want from me?" " I'm grooming you." "I'm thinking about the future." "That's cos Marvin is a fat fool!" "Maybe one day you'll be my lieutenant." " No, thank you." " Ah!" "OK..." "Yeah, I wasn't asking, and you ain't there yet." "Just keep on watching and learning, and we'll see what happens." "Never turn down an opportunity to learn." " You're right." " No, I'm left." "Ooh." "See?" "See what I'm saying?" "Listen..." "When we're done here," "I'm gonna give you an address, downtown, 7:30 sharp." " It's a surprise." " I don't like surprises." "You're gonna like this one." "Now, come on!" "Keep dancing, girl!" " Bingo!" " Oh, so close." "All right, new game." "Picture frame." "So that means we fill out the whole outer edge of the card." "Top row, bottom row, side, and side, all filled in." "Now, this is a long one, everyone, so settle in and let's bingo!" "It's an indica blend, so it's not too harsh, not too heady." "It has a real calming effect." "Son, I don't need a sales pitch." "Just tell me this." "Will it fuck me up?" "Yes, sir, it will fuck you up good." "B-9." "Good news." "Your tumour is B-9!" "B-9." "Hurry up and give it to me." "This girl is giving me a headache." "B-4." "And after." "Very good!" "B-4." " N-37." " What?" "It is a known fact that in Africa the lions rule the Serengeti Plain." "All right, I need you to try one of each." "I have stuffed mushrooms, little smokies wrapped in bacon, chicken satay, and rumaki." "Feast and praise." " Is this dinner?" " Yeah." "Sure." "I guess." "Try." " This sucks." " How can it suck?" "It's wrapped in bacon." "Not the food." "This..." "Me and you." "I want family dinner." "I need to talk to Mom." "I'm your uncle, talk to me." "Can you convince Mom that I'm better off sitting home all summer than stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots proselytising a form of fundamentalism that's two clicks away from jihad?" "Maybe you better talk to your mom." "Try another smoky." "When's Mom coming home?" "Not sure." "She has a Ladies in Business thing." " She's at a drug thing, isn't she?" " No." "Yeah, she's at a drug thing." "Your mother's a drug dealer." "Why do you make me say it?" "Why?" " Bud, where you going?" " I'm not hungry." "OK, no more hors d'oeuvres." "I'll make some pasta." " We'll watch bikini chicks eat crickets." " No, thanks." " I'm gonna go read." " Reading?" "You kids today and your reading." "The male's barbed penis will make sex so painful for the female that she snarls and snaps at him when he retreats." "So he bites the scruff of her neck to hold her down." "Now, the bites may appear to be dangerous and aggressive, but they are..." "Someone get the door!" " Who is it?" " I don't know who it is, because someone hasn't put up my security cameras like I asked 17 times." "Hey, I'm working the crops here." "You ain't doing nothing but smoking Mores and running water through dollhouses." "Why don't you get your ass up a ladder and do it?" " Should I get it?" " Yeah, see who it is." "What I do with my time is none of your damn business." "And when I ask you to do something, you fucking do it." "I'm your aunt, I'm your elder, and I will beat you down." "It ain't like you don't know we supposed to have a security sys..." "What the fuck you doing here?" "Don't just stand there." "Invite a nigga in." "Next time I ring your bell, you better hurry up and let me in." "Next time you in my face, gargle." "Oh, you a wild girl, Vaneeta." " Why'd you bring him here?" " He brought me." "It was a surprise." " I didn't even know about this place." " I know everything." "Now, come over here." "I don't want my soldiers fraternising with the help." "This is not me." "How could you think I'd like this?" "The fun's just getting started." " Now, where's our crop?" " It ain't ready." "What you mean, it ain't ready?" "Y'all had a minute to get this place up and running." "Y'all got more excuses than a nigger in court." "Pull it up, dry it out!" "Let's hit the streets!" "Come on, let's move, now!" "Look, I told you." "It ain't ready." " Can't force nature." " Oh, no?" "Hm..." "Seedless watermelon, broccoflower, aprium - half apricot, half plum." "Bullshit, you can't force nature." "They even got a hypoallergenic cat you can buy for four grand." " Knock over a plant." " What?" "You need to learn to wreck shit." "Let them know you mean business." "Look, I'm all for wrecking shit to make a point." "I do it with my kids." "But we're wrecking our own shit." "Don't argue with me." "Just go over there and bust some shit up before I have to bust one of them up, and wait for my cue." "So, y'all motherfuckers think we playing, huh?" "I want my fucking crop in a month!" " Now, do it right!" " Fine." "All right, Louis." "Show's over." "You'll get your fucking crops, and then we're done with your ass." "Your grandmother always said you were a bad seed." "Now look at you." "Full-grown shit bush." "You old fool." "It's over when I say it's over." "All right, Nancy, let's go." "Did you fucking apologise?" "What's the matter with you?" "Listen, thug means never having to say you're sorry." "An underground canal will carry sewage through Agrestic to our water treatment plant in Van Nuys." "Are you coming to the party later?" " Yes." " Well, how about being my date?" " We're ready to break ground." " What do you want?" "You ever watch a man play with a big machine?" "Not for a long time, but you still didn't answer my question." "Get over your issues, Celia." "I want you." "Let's just start with the date, and we'll take it from there." "OK, stop, stop!" "Stop right there." " Can I help you?" " Mr. Groff?" " Dumb name." " And you are?" "Warden Shlapobersky from the Wildlife Commission." "A mammal on our endangered species list may lose its habitat with this new construction." "We insist that you halt all work until we've investigated the matter." " Let me guess." "The dirt shrew." " Yeah, yeah." "Looks like a jackrabbit and a big rat fucked." "You're not getting anything else from me." " The store is closed." " Well, this project is on hold until there's a full report on the dirt shrew, and I'm referring to the endangered animal, not the one in the hard hat and heels who's been sucking your dick." " I said, "Don't let me move!"" " You're big." "You're a large man." " It's hard to keep you in one place." " I don't let you move." "Shut the fuck up!" "I ain't talking to you!" "Tell him to shut his fucking mouth." "Shut your fucking mouth, Marvin!" "That's good." "That was really good." "Hey, listen, if you don't really need me," "I need to go to the flower mart to pick up some Casablanca Lilies for my boss's party." "I hear that all the wedding planners get there early and buy them all." "He'll kill me if this party tanks." "You're being hyperbolic." "I don't think he'll actually kill you." "But me..." "I'm a different matter." " Put your hand on my shoulder." " Why?" "It helps me pay attention to my form!" "Do it!" "Review time." "What did we learn last night?" "Er..." "Lesson..." "Make an impact." "I'm a drug dealer, and I'm great at what I do." " Don't you want to be great at what you do?" " Yeah." "You been learning good, novice." "But you got to do better." "More money..." "Results..." "Faster." "Now, go get those lilies." "Hi, we haven't officially met." "I'm Tara." "Silas." "Community service boy." "I saw you sell Mr Mertes an eighth." "Nice cross." "Yes, well, I'm tight with the Lord." "So, he's aware you can spot an eighth from across the room?" "He is." "In fact, he likes it when I get stoned." "We have some great talks." "Are you gonna tell on me?" "Not if you smoke me out." "Right now?" "Er..." "Tomorrow." "Same time." "Gladwell Park." "Smoke me out, and I'll tell you about my friend." " Jesus." " That's the one." "Hey, hey, go easy on the jumbo shrimp." "Those are expensive." "Dumb name can afford it." "Hey, hey, shh!" "You got to let it go, man." "Love the food, pal." "Want you to give a friend of mine a call." "We're shooting a movie in one of our empty houses." "Needs a caterer." "You'll thank me later." "Hey, you did a good job." "How much of the budget did you stuff in your bra?" "Er, half." " Can I feel?" " No." "In that case, next time, spring for a hall." "Now, you see that fellow, Baldy, the white-haired clown?" "Let me know when he's good and shitfaced." "I need his signature on something." "And that woman in the Chanel knockoff." "She needs the recipe for the stuffed mushrooms." "She's a big fan." "She's also someone's wife." "I need to borrow her for a minute." "You are going to talk to me." "In, in." "OK, listen." "I know that we're in the middle of the party and everything, but, Nancy, you have got to stop hating me." " I don't hate you." " But you do." "Celia, I don't." "Listen, you got me a job." "What's done is done." "I don't want to fight anymore." "Let's just leave it." "Good, then." " OK?" " I'm glad." " Great." " God damn it!" "These fucking ankle-strap shoes." "Has Sullivan ever talked about me?" " What?" " Has he ever mentioned me?" "Er..." " Yes." "He calls you the hot redhead." " Are you sure he was talking about me?" "Because I've always thought I was more... auburn with, like, strawberry-blonde highlights." "He was definitely talking about you." "He likes you." "You should go be with him." "There you are." "Matt Keefe doesn't have a drink in his hand." "Hey, man, what's up?" "Did you tell some woman in a Chanel knockoff she could go through my recipe box?" "Out, out, all of you, all of you!" "This room is off limits!" "OK?" "Out." "Get out." " I'm really glad..." " Get out!" " What are you doing down here?" " These little smokies are like crack." "Well, don't eat too many of them." "They're filled with nitrates." " I really have to talk to you." " Well, bad time." "We'll talk later." "I promise." " You look beautiful tonight." " Thank you." " I want to thank you for being my date." " You're welcome." " You know I'm gonna keep trying." " Good." "Who are you?" "A sheep in God's flock." "Let me hear you say baa!" "Baa!" "You want a drink?" "Mr Johnson gave it to me after he confused me with his war buddy." "I don't drink." "Wine's OK because Jesus drank that, but other than wine, I don't drink." " But you smoke." " Only weed, not cigarettes." "Never cigarettes." "You don't drink, you don't smoke cigarettes." " Let me guess, you don't have sex either?" " Not until I'm married." "How can you be all into Jesus and still smoke weed?" "Because pot is natural." "It's not processed." "It's made by God himself, so it's spiritual." "It elevates you, opens your mind." "That's what God's love is all about." " I can see your boner." " Fuck." "Don't be embarrassed." "I mean, that's part of God's love, too." "Once you're married." "You're right." "My virginity is for my husband." "But that doesn't mean we can't have some fun." "Oh!" " You OK?" " Of course." "I was just at this party last night and felt up on two big-booty freaks, that's all." " They kept a brother up all night." " I'm coming!" "Keeping up with my heart rate, swinging my arms." "You gonna let him beat you?" "Come on!" "First one to the next tree wins!" "U-Turn?" "U-Turn!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Marvin!" " What is it?" "What's wrong with him?" " He got high blood pressure." "I saw some people at the bottom of the hill." "Ask them if they have a banana." "He needs potassium!" "I'll stay here." "You'll be OK." "U-Turn." "You bitch-ass bitch." "I got you now." "Oh, yeah." "This is for saying I was too stupid to be your second in command." "And this is for laughing at me for going to Dreamgirls, and for never letting me count the money." "You gonna die, motherfucker." "U-Turn!" " Don't die on me, cuz!" " No one has any bananas." "We need to get him out of here." "Let's pick him up." "U-Turn's dead!" "He's dead!" "What am I supposed to do now, man?" "What the fuck am I supposed to do, man?"