"He died ten years ago, and I still find its good to talk about it sometimes." "I find it's good to talk about everything." "My therapist says I overdo that." "That I overanalyze." "Of course, she's bulimic so let's not get too preachy." "But the first thing you should know about me:" "I'm gay." "I'm gay, and what's more, a stereotypical gay." "Always loved fashion, hated sports and though it doesn't always work to cliché it did in my family where there was me and there was my kid brother, Nicky." "He wouldn't look at another guy except to ask for a beer was our school's star quarterback, great student." "When they say high school are the best years of your life there talking about his life, not mine." "Look at that smile like he grew up in a blue jeans ad." "Hey whoa, hold on a sec Nick, let 'em take you in." "Thanks." "Really had to twist his arm, huh?" "See, confidence for my brother was never an issue." "I don't care if its with women, guys..." "Oh, great, company." "Yeah, don't ask me her name." "Yeah, Hi." "How are ya?" "Good to see ya." "No, it's OK Nick." "Go on, play." "I envied him, 'cause he was so normal." "Dad loved normal." "There's Dad now, fixing' the old set." "Dad was usually in a foul mood." "This, actually is one of his more spiritual moments." "And there's mom, rolling those pennies." "This is about 14 years back now." "The funeral I showed you is still a few years off." "This is where we start." "Bush, the father, was in the White House." "I was a senior in high school, my brother, Nicky a Junior, and Dad was in his raging prime." "Of course it wasn't all yelling." "There was the dinner hour, when we discussed politics or, more accurately, Dad discussed, we agreed." "There was an unwritten rule in our house:" "You did not disagree with my father directly especially about politics." "So, to exert your individuality you simply agreed with him in the most original way you could find." "Well, that was our mistake in giving up Vietnam was that we gave the communists the idea that we didn't have the resolve for a long fight." "U h, and that our free press was always going to undermine us." "Well put." "Well put." "You know N icky, you make more sense than men twice your age." "I mean doesn't he, doesn't he?" "Good job, son." "But as this particular dinner continued, and Dad went on certain of everything, something very nerve-wracking began to happen to me." "For the first time in my life, I began to get the urge to disagree." "The more I fought the urge, the more it grew, and grew, until..." "I disagree." "I'm sorry." "What was that?" "I said, I disagree?" "I think you're wrong." " Oh, I forgot the applesauce..." " No, no, no sit." " It's right in the refrigerator." " No, sit." "Everyone in our house has a right to their own opinion." "So what's yours, Dorian?" "You tell us exactly what I'm wrong about." "N ixon." "I don't think he was a good president..." "I think he was a bad president and a bad man." "I think what Dorian means here is..." "I meant what I said, Nick." "Why?" "Why was N ixon a bad president?" "Well he wasn't honest." "Oh." "Well, was Kennedy honest?" "Kennedy?" "Yeah, uh, was John F. Kennedy honest with the way he won the election in 1960." "You know, with Cook County Illinois and the West Virginia Primaries?" "Well, I'm sure he wasn't always honest..." "I don't think any politician is." "Well then I'm legitimately confused because if they were both dishonest why do you hate N ixon and have a picture of J FK on your wall?" "A lot of reasons." " You thought JFK was great." " Right." "Well then, your criterion for greatness can't be honesty otherwise by your own admission you'd be a hypocrite." "I'm not a hypocrite." "No, no." "I, I know." "That's what I'm struggling with, because without you being a hypocrite your argument makes no sense." "Kennedy wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic." "Oh, N ixon is a paranoid schizophrenic." "I think so." " So this is an expert opinion." " Expert?" "Well, yeah." "I mean that's a rather sophisticated psychological term;" "...paranoid schizophrenic." "So I was wondering if, if you have any experience in the field." "A psychiatric degree that qualifies you to make such a conclusive diagnosis on a man you've never met." "No." "Maybe you think because you have a few emotional problems of your own it makes you sort of an honorary doctor of the stuff." "Discussion over." "Potatoes please." "You know, I will give you one piece of advice via another great American president;" "Abraham Lincoln who said: "I would rather sit quietly and have them think..." "I have nothing intelligent to say rather than open my mouth and remove all doubt." "I got shot down, but it was worth it... 'cause it jarred something." "Later that night, I had an epiphany:" "For the first time in my life, I realized I was gay." "Not just confused, or going through a phase but actually gay." "That night I came out of the closet to myself." "But this only made things worse." "I was anxiety-ridden out of my mind." "I needed to talk to someone." "But there was no one in my family I could go to." "I didn't have any friends in high school." "High school." "Finally in my desperation I ended up downtown at social services where I met with a part-time social worker with a few issues of his own." "You mind if I drink?" "U h, no." "We're not, you know, really supposed to drink." "Look if you're having a bad day, I..." "I am having a bad day, because this morning my girlfriend and I of two years..." "Split." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You wanna know the truth?" "I think after the initial shock wears off..." "I'm really gonna see this as a blessing, really." "Because this woman was on my case from day one." "I mean making demands and nagging me and you know what she wanted me to do last week?" "She wanted me to enroll in one of these..." "Uh what do you call it..." "anger management courses." "How'd you feel about that?" "Pissed me off." "Because it's not about anger, it's about changing me." "You know, about changing my clothes and my friends and my..." "You know, I have a motto, alright?" "If you're not happy with me, exactly the way I am then you can leave." " So she left." " Yeah she left." "Anyway, what can we at the Family Mental Health Clinic do for you today?" "I heard you can provide low-rate therapists?" "Maybe someone who specializes in sexual orientation issues." "Sexual..." "Someone who thinks he might be gay." "Oooh." "Hmm..." "Here you go, a Doctor Mitchener." "Therapy for... what you got." " Is this the lowered rate?" " Yeah." "I guess I can't afford therapy." "Totally overrated anyway, believe me." "Look pal, whatever's bugging you just hash it out with someone in your own life." "That usually works." " Really?" " Yeah." "Well I suppose I could try talking to my mother." "If you're mother's a good thing in your life then that's great." "Mine wasn't in mine." "But then she died." "Things are looking up." " Mom?" " Yes, sweetie?" "I need to talk." "Then you sit right there and talk." "Thank you." " What are you doing?" " Seeing what we're out of." "I can do this and listen to you." "Talk to me." "Mom." "Mom." "Mom, I'm afraid I'm different." "God made us all different honey to keep life interesting." " You, he made moody." " That's not all he made me." "Look Mom, I've gotta face it." "I'm not like the other guys at school." "You never wanted to be like them." "You called them Neanderthals." "True, I didn't want to be like them but maybe I wished too hard because now I'm not like anyone." "I find myself envying the Neanderthals." "Well, you know how I feel about envy." "Envy's not the point." "Ok, just one second now let me as you something." " OK." " Let me just ask this." "All right." "Last week I bought chocolate chip cookies and nobody ate them." "Should I not get chocolate chip ever again and just stick with oatmeal?" "Is that what you're all trying to tell me?" "The only difference between my mother and the Berlin Wall?" "Some people got past that wall." "Well, that night I decided someone was going to hear me say it." "So before Nick left for this big party I made him the lucky someone." "Don't freak out." "Please, don't freak out." "Thank you for not freaking out." "How many people have you told this to?" " Nobody." " Don't." "Ever." "Do you understand me?" "Don't ever talk like this around anybody." "Jesus Christ man, if Dad ever heard this shit he'd bury you in the basement." "I'm not telling Dad." "But I think some people suspect already." "Who?" "Well, some guys at school maybe." "Who at school?" "Who cares, N icky?" "This is who I am." " I cannot hide it forever." " This is not who you are." "You do not have a clue who you are." "You've always been the most confused screwed up individual..." "I've been confused about this." "Oh man, don't cry." " Stop crying, Dorian." " I'm not." "Dude." "OK." "OK." "Look, I promised Kev Halen that I'd get there early and help him set up so, um, why don't you come have a few beers we'll clear..." "No, that's OK." "You go." "I'm fine, really." "Go." "Dorian this a lot for me to digest right now, all right?" "Look, I know you like to talk about stuff." "This is a big one, so as soon as I get back we'll stay up as late as you want, talk as late as you want, all right?" "Thanks." "You need to talk now, don't you?" " Mmm-hmm." " OK." "So we talked." "And when the phone started ringing and the whole school wanted my brother at the party he told Mom to tell them he was sick." "We had our own party." "Got drunk, played poker for Aunt Bette's Easter money told jokes about Mom and Dad till it hurt." "Turned out to be a great night." "Truly classic." "The kind of night that makes you thinkl maybe high school really are the best years of your life." " Can I help you?" " Yeah." "We were just wondering if you could give us the definition of a word." "Dictionaries out of print?" "Well, you know we thought it would be easier to ask a smart person." "What word?" "U h, what was that again guys?" "Oh yeah, yeah." "It was, um homo..." "Homosexual." "Could you tell us how you would define the word; homosexual?" "And then maybe use it in a sentence." "I would define it as someone you're deathly afraid of." "So..." "Should we be afraid of you?" "Come on, that is so rude when somebody is talking right to you." "We're not talking." "Listen, faggot." "I don't know who you think you're dealing with." "Look out, Cal." "Hey." "Aw." "Shit, man." "Hey, N ick, I was just messing with him." "Yeah?" "That's all you ever do, Cal." "You know, there's a lot more to life than messing with people." "You ought to branch out a little bit." "See what I mean?" "People suspect." "Just keep denying it." "Remember what H itier said." "You tell a lie long enough and loud enough eventually they'll believe it." "So your advice is be more like H itier?" "You know what I mean." "Yes." "Stay in the closet." "Yeah, and lock the door." "What you writing?" "Just, uh, my own journal." "All your private thoughts?" " Like what?" " Like, private." "So what?" "Tell me one." "No, uh thanks." " Wanna hear one of mine?" " No." "I mean, uh, I'm sure yours are great but it's just mine are more than enough right now." "Bunch of Neanderthals." "## Take the last train to Clarksville, ## ## and I'll meet you at the station. ##" "## You can be there by four thirty, ## ## 'cause I made your reservation. ##" "## Don't be slow. ##" "## Oh, no, no, no. ##" "## Oh, no, no, no!" "##" "## Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. ##" "## Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. ##" "## Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. ##" "## Take the last train to Clarksville, ## ## and I must hang up the phone. ##" "## I can't hear you in this noisy rail road station all alone. ##" "## I'm feeling low. ##" "## Oh, no, no, no. ##" "## Oh, no, no, no!" "##" "Hey, where'd you disappear to after school?" "What are you, my keeper?" "No, I was just looking for you, that's all." "Don't look for me." "What are you getting stupid for?" "Hey, you know something?" "You look kind of guilty." "Did you do something wrong?" "Get out of here." "Hey, did you do something..." "Gay?" "We connected in this like, sci-fi moment." "It was like..." "Yes." "We're both alike, we're both "homo senturions. "" "Both aliens." "Do you feel like an alien, Dorian?" "Yes." "Do you?" "Not any more." " How long did it take you." " A few years maybe." "Well, uh, I don't have a few years, doc." "I've got to go to N YU in the fall." "You've got to get me adjusted and now." "Plus, I can't afford all of these sessions..." "I'm dipping into my savings for this." "Relax." "We'll do our best." "Oh, there's a great doctor line;" ""relax, we'll do our best"." "Usually followed by "Sorry, we did all we could. "" "What do you love most about yourself, Dorian?" "U h, I have a good heart." "And what do you dislike the most?" "Um, my anxiety." "What do you love the most about your father." "Oh, I see the questions get progressively more difficult." "Why don't you tell him that you're gay?" "Because, it would be the ugliest moment of my life and I am not that strong." "See that dummy over there?" " Know who that is?" " My father?" "Very good." "I'd like for you to go over there and tell him that you're gay." "Just..." "Talk to him." "Hey Dad." "What?" "He says now's not a good time." "Hey Dad, this is Dr. Mitchener." " I'm not here." " Oh, all right." "Dad, I've been seeing this Dr. Mitchener and he..." "Uh, he's a doctor of psychology, I think." "U h, right, not an M.D. Uh..." "I don't know why he didn't go all the way." "OK." "Annoying, isn't he?" "Yeah, but he's not going to speak he's just going to listen." "All right." "Dad, I just wanted you to know that I am ummm..." "Uh..." "Dad, umm..." "Got some work to do, huh?" "Did you ever get to spend any time alone with your father just you and him?" "Well..." "There was the time he taught me how to drive." " Know what you did wrong?" " No." " You were driving too fast." " No, Dad." "I was going the speed limit." "That speed limit is for experienced drivers under ideal conditions." "Not you, on a wet road." "To be fair, it is nerve-wracking for any parent to teach their child to drive." "I don't know, he also taught N icky." "I got to tell you, N icky..." "You have the reflexes of a race car driver." "Doesn't he?" "Doesn't he?" "I want you to explore this first major anxiety episode." " You were seven." " Yes." "You initially went to your mother with this fear." " Mommy?" " Yes sweetie?" " I'm scared." " What are you scared of?" "Going to war." "But there is no war, honey." "Vietnam's over." "Mrs. Tilly says there's always another war and then maybe I'm old enough." "If there's another war, then you don't have to go." "Really, how come?" "Cause we would all pack our bags and move straight up to Canada." " Where's Canada?" " Up north." "And they don't have wars there, just moose." " What is it?" " Dad's coming." "So, don't want to go to war, huh?" "Amen." "I can understand." "So what do you think instead?" "Going up to Canada?" "Mom says Canada doesn't have wars." "No, no, they don't have wars." "They don't have wars because they have us." "We're their line of defense against the Communists." "But, what do you think might happen if the Communists ever got wind of the fact that all our young men would rather run up to Canada than stay and defend this country?" "They might get it into their head that they could just have Texas and Oklahoma, just for the asking." "And then Virginia, Pennsylvania then New York and at that point what would stop them from running right on up into Canada as well looking for the likes of you, and shooting you right in the belly?" "No, you're not going to Canada." "You're going to war." "And you may get killed, but you'll get killed like a man for your country." "Dad, I'm gay." "I love you." "It's a common development." "I thought that's what you'd say." "What did you want me to say, that I love you too?" "Maybe." "All right, Dorian." "I love you too." "Not like that, not like you love all of mankind and I just happen to be one of them." "Besides the fact that you're a virgin, craving a first experience and that you feel safe with me besides those things, what exactly do you love about me?" "I guess that's pretty much it." "I'm still flattered." "However, I do not under any circumstances sleep with my clients." "Could you maybe refer me to someone who does?" "Forgive me father, it's been awhile since my last confession and uh, I've done some of the usual sins, I guess." "I've disrespected my father which to be honest..." "I don't think I'm ever going to stop but uh something bigger this time, I kind of had sex." "Well, that's a serious sin, but it is common within your age group." "With a guy." " Pretty big sin, huh?" " Yes it is." "Why?" "Why is it a sin?" "Go back to your side." "I don't want to go back to my side." "Please Father." "Come on, you know it's me." "It's a sin because it says so in the Bible and the Bible is the word of God." "But how do you know every bit of it is the word of God." "I know it on faith." "A faith which comes from years of research and prayer." "Both of which I suggest you begin immediately." "I don't know, Father." "I'm not convinced I've done anything wrong." "If you didn't do anything wrong then why do you suppose you feel so guilty about it?" "What's guilt prove?" "I mean, I feel guilty when there's mud slides in Ecuador." "Even if it weren't wrong, would you really like to live a life style which means you could never get married never have children?" "No, I want children." "Then you haven't thought this through." "But maybe I don't get children." "Don't be so sure." "Often with a little prayer and effort those in your situation find that they can desire women." " Really?" " Absolutely." "I've been counseling for years." "The first man I talked to was convinced he couldn't be helped." "Today he lives in Ohio with his wife of fourteen years and their nine children." " N ine?" " Amen, nine." "He called them his own little baseball team." "Even got them uniforms." "You should see them, they're cute as hell." "Hello, Dr. Mitchener?" "This is Dorian Legatis." "I just wanted you to know I won't be needing any more sessions." "I've found another path." "But I wish you luck on your journey and..." "Amen." " I love you, Dad." " Ah." "Nicky." "Nicky." " What?" " I can't do it anymore." " Do what?" " It's wrong to be gay to act on it, anyway." "It's even wrong to have some of the gay thoughts I'm thinking." "It's wrong to even think?" "Yes." ""Thou shalt not covet. "" "It's the tenth commandment:" "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife," let alone thy neighbor." " What have you been reading?" " The Holy Bible." "What the hell are you reading that for, man?" "I haven't read that since grade school." "Well, you should." "It's mostly about straight sex, and believe me you're in some deep shit too." " Well, we're all sinners, right?" " Yes, that's right." "So then I'll keep on sinning till I'm like, thirty and then I'll repent and take up golf." "Isn't that how it works?" "But what if you don't live till thirty?" "What if you die tonight in your sleep?" "Look, Dor, if I'm so screwed being straight then what are you worried about being gay for?" "Cause I decided that I want to have kids." "Oh, well that's over." "Don't say that's over, don't you dare say that's over it's what I want more than anything in the whole world." " All right, all right." " I want kids." "Shhh." "And not just one or two of them, a whole mess of them my own little baseball team." " Base..." "You hate baseball." " Yes, but I love uniforms." "So I need your help." "I want you to teach me how to think straight." "You want me to teach you?" "Yeah, I want to turn this around so bad and I've been thinking that if someone like you could teach me how you think sexually, you know, maybe I could reboot my brain." " You want to turn this around?" " Yes." " Seriously?" " I've never been more serious." "Cause I have had some thoughts on this." "You have?" "Absolutely, I mean I didn't want to push them on you but if you're coming to me I'll shoot straight with you." "I think I can get this monkey off your back." "I knew it." "Tell me what I have to do." " Now?" " Yes, now." "We're both up, start helping me get this monkey off now." "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you." "Oh my God, wouldn't it be fabulous if this were just the answer to the whole problem?" "First things first, don't ever say fabulous." " No?" " No, it's not a straight word." "Oh." "Never heard one of my friends say fabulous." " Oh, OK." " Well what do I say instead?" "U h, say awesome." "OK." "It's awesome." "That would be awesome." " OK." " It's awesome, man." "Good." "I know, it feels good, I like it." " It's fucking awesome." " That's it." "Yeah." "All right, let's go down to the basement." "What are we going to do in the basement?" "We're gonna fight." " Did you say fight?" " Yup." " Actually fight." " Actually, physically fight." "You're going to teach me how to fight." "No, not teach, just fight." "If you happen to pick up some pointers along the way good for you." "I don't understand." "See you want me to help you, this is how we start." "We mix it up, mano y mano." "OK, but I think we're short a mano." "See that's just it." "You're a pussy." " You've always been a pussy." " Ouch." "This is for real?" "Can't be straight if you're a chicken shit." "I'm not a chicken shit." "Stand up." "Ok." "Now drive your elbow back." "The other one." "There you go." "OK." "OK, tough guy, you wanna see something?" "Please." " You want to see what I've got?" " I'm waiting." " You might be surprised." " Surprise me." "Come on, Dorian, it was just a jab." "I didn't see it coming." "OK, OK, relax, relax, elbows in, take it easy just breathe." "Ah-ha!" "Faked you out, jock boy!" "Not hurt at all." "Oh, what's the matter Rambo?" "Hurt your little thumb?" "You sneaky little..." "Sneaky?" "I don't think sneaky's a straight word, bro." "Try ballsy." "Aaaaaah!" "Diiiiieeee!" "Oooh, shit!" "You alright?" "Dor?" "Dor?" "Look, I am trying to help you, allright?" " So please don't embarrass me." " Embarrass you?" "Look at what I'm wearing." "Will you stop milking that?" "Milk?" "It was a concussion!" " And there was blood!" " It was an accident!" "Just forget about it and concentrate on acting like a real guy." "## Kiss me here, 'cause I've got the dirt on you my dear. ##" "## It's your turn to hurt so kiss me here I'm gonna make you pay. ##" "What's your name?" "Tiffany." "##..." "And it's clear you're not too brilliant. ##" "## Kiss me here, go on and make my day. ##" "Oh..." "Oh my..." "Easy, I'm nursing a concussion." " You like her?" " I like her shoes." "No, her." "Do you like her?" "Actually, I think she's quite sensuous." "Excellent." "Where have you been?" "I've been sitting here..." "Been talking to that dancer, Tiffany." " She's agreed to help us out." " What does that mean?" "It means she's gonna sleep with you bro." "Tonight." " You're full of it." " No, I'm serious." " I don't believe you." " Believe it, Dor." "She gets off work at two, you show up at her place at 2:30 by 2:35, this virgin shit is over." " This is for real?" " Totally for real." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Well, to tell you the truth I don't know how I feel about this." "Feel great about it, all right?" "And do us both a favor, don't over think it." " I won't, but I'm just so..." " No, you got to do this, Dor." "This is what's gonna make the difference." " I hope so but..." " No buts, OK?" " OK." " OK?" "Yeah, OK!" "Wow." "Wow." "So I guess she kind of liked me, huh..." "I mean enough to want to, you know..." "Yeah, for a hundred bucks she liked you fine." "What?" "You paid her a hundred bucks." "Hey relax, this is totally on me." "Oh my God, N icky." "It's not the money, it's the principle." "What principles have you got?" "You're between this and sodomy." "You set me up with a hooker." "She's not a hooker, she's a dancer who does some of this on the side." " So she's a part-time hooker." " She's a lovely, sensuous girl." " You said so yourself." " All right!" "So my first time will be with a lovely sensuous dancer named Tiffany." "Well, uh..." "Just so you know, it's a stage name." "These dancers pick sexy sounding names for the dancing." " What's her real name?" " Bunny." "Come on in." " You're all sweaty." " Oh, I'm sorry." "It's all right." "U h, I have deodorant on, just not antiperspirant." "It's OK." "I, I didn't want to wear this for this." " Should I throw it out?" " Yeah." "Can I get you something cold to drink?" "U h, does it cost extra?" " No." " Sure." " Getting ready?" " No, uh." "It's OK." "Stay." "You know, I don't mind that you're gay." "No, no." "What I mean is, I'm usually not attracted to the guys I'm with so, um, if you're not attracted to me then everything's even." "That's not it, it..." "What?" "It's just, I can't believe what I've been reduced to someone who has to pay for a sex life." "I mean, I'm a romantic." "How long have you been doing this?" "About a year." "Why do you need the money so badly?" "You got a crack habit or something?" "No, no nothing like that." "Actually, I'm saving to move down to New York." "Really?" "What are you going to do down there?" " Try and be a singer." " You sing?" "And dance." "I do some vocal impersonations." "Wow, you're multi-talented." "I wish I had one talent." "I'm sure you have one." "Not unless you count melancholy." "Got a gift for that." " Who do you do?" " Excuse me?" "You said you impersonate singers?" "Oh..." "A lot of people." "Well do one, and let me guess." " No, I can't." " Why not?" "Cause I'm embarrassed." "You're embarrassed to sing for me?" "Did you forget what I came here for?" "OK." "## I don't know why but I'm feeling so sad. ##" "## I long to try something I've never had. ##" "## Never had no kissin'." "Oh what I've been missin'. ##" "## Lover man, Lover man, ##" "## Where can you be?" "##" "Billie Holiday." " Very good." " Very good yourself." " That was wonderful." " Yeah, I love her." " Do you know any country?" " Country?" "Yeah, I love country." "Please don't think any less of me." "## Worry." "Why do I let myself worry?" "##" "## Wondrin', what in the world did I do?" "##" "## I'm crazy for tryin' and crazy for cryin'. ##" "## And I'm crazy for lovin' you. ##" "No, no, no." "Oh, no, no." "U h." "It's just, it's never gonna happen for me." "What?" "I just want to feel good, you know, sometimes." "I'm sick of being scared." "I'm scared a lot of the times myself." " You are?" " Yeah." "You wanna know what I do about it?" "What?" "I pretend..." "Like I'm in one of those big old Hollywood musicals." "Where everyone's fine, and happy, and in love." "And I pretend like I'm in love." "I sing, I dance..." " You delude yourself." " Yeah, but it works." "Hey, you want to dance with me right now." "No, no, no." "It's a pick me up." "I swear it always works." "U h, I can't dance, I know it sounds weird coming from a gay guy." "You can dance, everybody can dance." " Come on, I'll teach you." " It's not that simple." "No, it's that's simple." "Look, I don't know where you're from but you may have missed a really important lesson." "You want to feel good, you gotta work at it." "Now get up." "Well, feeling good for me has never been simple and learning a dance, impossible." "But Tiffany was convinced that if you worked hard enough the universe owed you an MGM moment." "And work we did." "And you know what?" "Before the night was done, the universe paid up." "I left Tiffany's that night knowing that I'd never be straight and that it was time to tell everyone." "This is bad." "This is really bad." "You're actually going to do this." "So tell me, Dor..." "'cause I honestly don't understand." "Where are you suddenly finding the courage to do this?" "I mean, to this day you still haven't been able to tell them about that golf club you broke that summer." "I know." " I may throw that in." " He's going to go ballistic." "Maybe, but afterwards, he'll know who I am." "OK, he doesn't care who you are, Dorian!" "He only cares who he is and this will mean that he's the father of a homosexual." "And that's going to freak him out!" "Well, I'm not going to be here for it." "You know, some families actually grow stronger from this sort of thing." "Oh yeah, we're a really good candidate for that." "You tell your news, Dad will drink til he drops and Mom will be up until two o'clock in the morning dusting knick-knacks and humming to herself like a mental patient." "Yeah, we're really going to grow stronger." "Don't you tell him I knew." " I won't." " I'm serious." " I didn't know a thing about it." " I heard you." " I'm going to Walsh's." " What's all the yelling about?" "Nothing." "Where are my keys?" "Wherever you left them." "You're not wearing a a pink shirt, are you?" "No, it's fuchsia." "Got a minute, dad?" "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid." "Idiot!" "Son, you don't even know the meaning of the word." "I don't know what the word 'gay' means?" " I doubt it." " Well, you're wrong." " What's it mean?" " It means, I like men." "Not you, maybe, but in general." "You hear the anger there..." "Huh?" "See that's the crux to all of this." "You're so angry at me you'd do anything to try and shock me." "Of course I'm angry at you, because you've never had anything but contempt for me." "Think this is gonna help?" " This isn't about you." " I think it is." "Do you think I made this up?" "No, I think you probably worked yourself up into half believing it too." "I more than half believe it, Dad." "I know it." "You don't know horse shit, you hear me?" "You're so fogged up in that head of yours you don't know horse shit." "This is some fantasy you've cooked up to feel eccentric." "Well I've got news for you." "There's a world of difference between being eccentric and being perverted." "Back to the drawing board." "Fantasy?" "Before graduation I slept with a guy at school." "Then congratulations you have shocked me." "I didn't tell you to shock you." "No, no." "Don't speak." "Don't open your mouth until I ask you a direct question." "Is that clear?" " Is that clear?" " Yes sir." "Good." "Now what I want to know is, who else have you told this to?" "No one." " None of your friends?" " No." " Your mother?" " No." " Your brother?" " No." "Yes." "I know about it, Dad everything." "You knew about this, and you didn't tell me?" "Well I would have, Dad, if I knew you were going to take it so well." " This is funny." " No, it isn't." "It's also not worth having a heart attack over." "Dad, I'm still the same person I always was." "Which was never so hot." " Come on, Dad." " Now hold it." "You should never have involved him he's at a very impressionable age." "Oh, Jesus, Dad." "This does not affect your precious N icky!" " I certainly hope not." " Dad." "Oh, so that's the bottom line." "You don't care if you have a gay son as long as it's not him." "Don't tell me what I care about." "Dad, will you guys just relax?" " It's your problem." " It's no big deal!" "What isn't?" "Being gay." "It isn't." "It's just, you know, another way to go." "I never told him that, Dad." " Get out." " No, Dad." " You don't live here any more." " Fine." " What the hell is going on?" " Get the hell out of here!" " What's going on?" " Dorian!" "He's out of here, it's his problem." "Just a second Dad." "Dad!" "Get your hands off me!" "What, are you turning faggy too?" "Is this really how you're gonna move out?" "Well, I would have preferred a cake, but..." "He's gonna cool off a lot by tomorrow, Dor." "I'm not gonna be here tomorrow, OK?" "I just called the cab." "I'm going to Aunt Beth's in five minutes and tomorrow..." "I'm going down to school early." "And what if you're not happy down in New York?" "How could I not be happy in New York?" "New York's the greatest city in the world." "You always say that how do you know what the greatest city in the world is?" "The only other city you've been to is Utica." " What about mom?" " You fill her in, I'll call." "I don't want some sort of weird scene now." "Do you want this, it's yours but I use it." "Man, she's gonna be heart-broken." "She'll be rolling pennies, she won't even notice." "That's not fair." "You, you know about fair, N ick?" "Well why don't you, favorite son... quarterback king with a big Dick to boot tell me about fair." "And good luck here alone." "October 21 st." "Dear Nicky, was I ever right about this city." "It's wonderful." "What did I always talk about?" "Culture, museums, theater..." "God, I've found myself here, Nick." "And, others like me." " You know what I don't get?" " Tell us." "OK." "Why the pope rides around in a bullet-proof car." "I just don't get that." "I mean, what is he afraid of, eternal bliss?" "That's Ellie." "She's opinionated, lesbian, and Jewish." "Everything Dad looks for in a woman." "The guy's Andrew." "Also gay, with a big crush on me." "Dorian do you want anything, on me?" "No thanks." "I'm not interested, but he persists." " You sure, split an iced tea?" " No thanks." "Newspaper or a candy bar?" "No thanks, no thanks, no thanks." "You sure?" "Andrew's odd, but we love him just as we all love this city which I can now say from experience is the greatest city in the world." "Dor." "December 3." "Dear Nick." "This is, without a doubt, the most disgusting city in the world." "You see, you gotta be here awhile then you begin to see the seams, the sadness the filth, the loneliness..." "Anyway, can't wait for Christmas." "Family warmth and all that." "Dor." "Coats go right in the hall." "That's fine, just dump them there." "Has he grown?" "Look at this!" "U h, ladies and gentleman, could I have your attention please." "I, I, I just have a little announcement." "Hello..." "Hey!" "Got a little announcement to make." "As most of you are aware, N icky has been applying to some colleges hoping that one of them might let him play a little football." "At what level, we could only hope and whether they would kick in a little tuition money we could only dream." "We received a little letter here this morning." "The thrust of which says that my son, my flesh and blood will be playing quarterback this fall on a full scholarship at Syracuse U niversity, division 1!" "All right!" "Come on up here, son!" "No get up here, come here, give me your hand." "Congratulations." "Hey, how about this kid!" "Thank you." "What?" "Oh, OK, OK." "And, ladies and gentleman, folks, my other son..." "Dorian has just completed his first semester at N YU where he is a uh uh, excuse me Dorian what you're majoring in?" "U ndecided." "Right." "Where he is majoring in indecision." "I dive down and I set that bow anchor down there and I check it and I set the stern anchor and I come back and I see it's a turtle." " Hey." " Congratulations." "Thanks." " Why didn't you tell me?" " You got home late, Dor." "Plus I didn't know he was going to pull this announcement stunt." "Well, I'm happy for you." "Bull, you wish I'd get hit by a truck." "Damn you, reading my diary again." " Hey mom." " Boys." "Dorian, I read that story you wrote for the school paper." "I loved it." ""A Man Walking On The Beach. " You're very talented." "I have two talented sons." "Too bad my talent doesn't pay tuition." "Dorian, before I forget, did I tell you I have a niece who lives in New York." "No you didn't." "Well I do." "She's gorgeous." "And besides that, she is the sweetest, smartest funniest girl you could hope to meet." "What do you think?" "Honestly, she doesn't sound like my type." "Whatever you want." "I'm serious." "Hey, Dor." "Hey." "Are we still mad at each other?" "What's that?" "I said; are we still mad at each other?" "I'm not mad." "You haven't asked me about school." "Yeah, Mom filled me in." "Sounds like it's going well." " It's not a phase." " What's that?" "It's not..." "A phase." "Do you think you're ever gonna be OK with who I am?" "Do I think I'm ever gonna be OK with who you've chosen to be?" "Am." "Now son, we both know that's subject to opinion." "No, never will be." "The sexual specifics of that life style, uh are just too unnatural for me to ever be OK with it." "God, you know what I hate?" "What's that?" "That I care what you think." "Because if I didn't..." "God!" "Well son part of being a man in this world is making your own decisions and then living with the consequences." "You are a man now." "I mean, you're old enough to die in a war and you're old enough to die in a bed too." "Is that what you're worried about?" "Because I can relate to that, but, I swear to God, Dad." "I'm gonna be so careful." "Oh yeah, 'careful', funeral homes, these days are truck-full of young men who are careful, I mean..." "Jesus, Dorian..." "Do you want this disease?" "Do you want AIDS?" "That's it, I chose this lifestyle because..." "I felt left out of a plague." "Christ, I gotta wonder." "I mean when being normal could save your life you think you'd give it a strong second look." "What's normal Dad?" "You with your pint of Scotch every night?" "That stack of big-boobed girly magazines you got hid in the safe that Mom thinks is just for your stamp collection?" "That normal?" "Yeah, that's in the ballpark." "I returned to New York that winter so lonely that I was ready to try anything." "Even getting myself picked up at one of those bars." "And it worked, I got taken home by a guy whose name I never did learn so let's just call him 'psycho'." "Nope." "This isn't gonna do it." "I'm really sorry, this just isn't me, this whole scene." "I just thought I could drink my way into it, but I can't so I'm just gonna call it a night, OK." "Hut." "18, 24, 36..." "Hut." "Hut." "Hut." "18, 18." "Uuhh!" "Yeah." "I'll call you some time." "I was so stupid." "I still didn't realize how big a trouble I was in." "I still thought I was just dealing with some drunken jerk." "When actually I had stumbled on to something far worse." "It was unreal." "I couldn't breathe..." "And it wasn't long before..." "I started to lose it, and I was pretty much screwed." "Until my mind coughed up this obscure memory." "Shit!" "You broke my nose!" "Ah!" "You're dead!" "So dead!" "I ended up in four days in St. Vincent's for a serious concussion." "It was so ironic." "Nicky had been playing football since he was nine and had never gotten a concussion." "I was going for a liberal arts degree and already had two." "So after this muscle-man incident..." "I declared my preference a" " Sexual and hit the books." "Over the next few years I became a high honors student..." "VP of my class and a bit of a soap box activist." "Meanwhile, Nicky went to Syracuse and through his letters I got the impression that things weren't going as easily as he was used to." "It was the first time that the angels had turned their backs on my brother and towards me." "I've been to the zoo." " I'm sorry?" " I said, I've been to the zoo." "Zoo story, Edward Alby." "Very good." "Now I know I'm not wasting my time." "What are you, a playwright?" "No, a law student." "You?" "Undergrad." "N YU." "Is he the genius they say he is?" " You haven't read him?" " No." "Well, maybe I'm wasting my time." "The fairy tale finally happened." "Lonely prince Dorian finally met his other prince and the love prince Dorian felt for prince Ben cast out all Dorian's spells of depression and gave him the strength of ten gay men..." "Or seven straight." "Ben, you gotta come with us to keg night at Jessie's Barn." " We're there." " Right?" " Absolutely." " Great." "Andrew?" "Let's see, music and beer with friends or stay home and have imaginary fights with my step mother?" "Let me see..." "Oh no, wait we can't Friday." " Why not?" " I meant to tell you." "My parents are coming to town on Friday and they want to take us to dinner." "What?" "I'm meeting your parents?" "Well, I told them I was bringing a friend along, you know." "Just the thought of meeting Ben's parents sent me into my newest afflictionl hyperventilation." "I'd never met anyone's parents before." "Literally, the only parents I'd met were my own and that didn't go very well." "I was terrified they'd suspect." "Suspect what?" "That we're more than just friends." "Doesn't your brother introduce his guy buddies to your parents all the time?" " Yeah." " Same thing." "You think?" "Sure, they won't suspect a thing." "U nless, of course, you do something to tip them off." "I'm kidding." "Just kidding." "So Dorian, how's your steak?" "It's awesome." "It's awesome." "So how long have you two been lovers?" " Relax." "They already know." " What?" " We know!" " We know!" "They're super-liberal, they don't care." " We don't care!" " We don't care!" "Dorian's parents are creepy ultra-conservatives, so..." "This is kind of creepy, too, actually." "I couldn't believe my life." "I had met my soul mate." "And his parents, though odd, were completely accepting." "And then, just as quickly, Ben left." "Never gave a good reason, just said he was tired of us." "We'd been together two months." "I can't get tired of a gold fish in two months." "And I obsessed." " This has to stop." " It is stopping, I promise." "I just need to ask you one question." "Why did you break up with me?" "Because I didn't want to be with you any more." "Could you be more specific, I'm trying to grow from this." "I don't know Dorian, it just didn't take off." "I don't know, I'm not an expert in love." "I don't analyze everything like you do and I don't want to hurt you, but really, know it, it's over." "I'm never gonna change my mind on that." "It's done, we're done." "H istory, over, finished." "Did you need more time to think about this?" "Jesus." "Just know that I am here if you ever need to talk or not." "Your call, no pressure." "It was really over, and I couldn't deal." "I started walking the streets, began to drink the depression I'd always lived with went clinical til all I saw in this city were the seams." "In fact, I became a seam myself." "I clung to the hope Ben's fear of being alone would drive him back to me by default." "But even that was shattered when Elle got some inside info." "Ben is not alone he's with someone else." "What?" "I just wanted to crawl into bed for the entire weekend." "But the gods were not through with me yet." " Ben your brother's a piss." " What do you mean?" "Oh, man, he's funny as hell." "Hey, I had to let him in." "I didn't want him sitting out in the hall with his bag." "Wait." "What day is this?" "Friday, the 21 st." "No, no, no." "No, no, no." "I can't do this." "I can't have him here now." "Just drink some coffee." "You'll be fine." "Hey Dor!" "What a city." "Man, I can't believe how tall those buildings are." "They're so freakin tall." "Whew!" "You know, I don't feel much like going to a movie tonight." "What do you want to do instead?" " Go out." " That's cool." "One of my bars, OK?" " You mean like, to a gay bar?" " Yeah." " No." " Why not?" "I'm not going to a gay bar, Dorian." "Come on, you said you came to see my life." "Not your gay life, I meant like the school cafeteria and shit." "Why do you do that?" "Why do you call it "my gay life"?" "This is my life and this is what I do on the weekend..." "I go to a gay bar." "And this is my favorite one, it's a wonderful place great people." "I don't care if it's the Tajma-freakin-hall..." "I didn't drive six hours to come and see you just to..." "Oh Jesus." "Please, I'm not feeling well and I really need to be with some friends." " And Ellie's gonna be there." " Ellie?" "Yeah, my friend Ellie that I wrote you about." "So there are girls at this bar." "Lesbian girls, N ick." " Forget it then." " U nbelieveable." "Hey N ick." "You know what they got there at this bar?" " That football throwing game." " What throwing game?" "The one where you throw the footballs at the moving targets for points." "Quarterback Red Zone Challenge?" " That's it." " They got that at a gay bar?" " Are you any good at it?" " Shut up." "Because some of these guys are excellent." "You mean, some of the gay guys." " They play for money." " Money?" "But really, they're very good." "Oh I'm sure." "Oh yeah, scored another one." "Get ready." "## And my, your so pretty for a girl that looks so angry, ## ## and I am such a pretty little girl, tell me... ## ## do I make you uncomfortable?" "##" "## Do I make you uncomfortable?" "##" "## Do I make you I make you uncomfortable?" "##" "## Well, I'm tryin. ##" "Thanks." "What's the matter N ick?" "Did they score more than you?" " Shut up." " Hey boys!" "Hey Ellie's here." "Nicky this is Ellie." "Hey, N ick." "I've heard a lot about you." "I've heard a lot about you too." "Oh, what?" "Are you going to sulk now?" "Then here, go get us drinks." "Elle takes anything dark in a bottle." "Me, kill the club soda, I'll take a non-alcoholic." " He's adorable." " Yeah." " So how you doing after today?" " Surprisingly all right." "Listen, I gotta talk to you about something." "Yeah, OK, but listen I want you to do a favor for me tonight, OK?" "I want you to help me to show my hot shot brother how popular I am." " Popular?" " Yeah." " Yeah, I'm popular." " Yes, you are." "And he's never seen that, you know so I want you to keep your eyes peeled out for anybody we know, call them over, whoop it up and help me show N icky that I'm hot shit down here." "I will do that but I've got to talk to you about something else first." "Something I was trying to tell you earlier at the pub." "Is this about your Psych professor?" "No." " Here you go Ellie." " Thanks." "What do you say, one more drink and they're out of here?" "What?" "We just got here." "And you've been playing that game and Elle just got here." "Come on, Dor, I came down to see the city." "We've got a whole weekend to see the city." "Tonight I just wanted us to hang out." "It's no fun for me hanging out here." "Oh give it a chance, will you?" "Think it was all fun for me visiting you at Syracuse sitting through three hours of football practice?" "It wasn't all bad, you got to go in the locker room after." "Look, I know you feel awkward not knowing anybody here." "You know." "You're not used to that, the great N ick Legatis." "No, I'm not." "But I know people here and this is my turf and if your with me then we're gonna have fun." "Nicholas Legatis." "Oh man, this is unbelieveable." "The great Nick Legatis." "Hey, Buffer Jones." "Man, I haven't seen you since QB camp in Pittsburgh." "Hey, this is my brother, Dorian and his friend, Ellie." "H i, how you doing?" "Buffer Jones, plays for L state." "Rugger, we got another Division 1 here." " Penn State." " What's up, man." " Hey, come and have a beer with us." " Sure." "Can you believe this, I can't even make a bigger splash than him in my own neighborhood gay bar." "It's just as well, listen, Ben's here." "What, my Ben?" "No, he doesn't come here." "Yeah, well, his new partner does and they're both here and they both want to talk to you." "What, but... what?" "Listen, I was supposed to get you up to speed on the whole thing but I couldn't get it out earlier..." " You were so hurt." " What whole thing?" " On what's been going on." " And what is going on?" "Hello, Dorian." "Dorian." "No." "No way." "You didn't tell him, did you?" "Almost, listen honey, I'm so sorry I swear to God..." "I was trying to tell you earlier." "You don't have to do this but whenever you're ready with me and Ben and Andrew, we all love you." "No, no that's great, and let's do it now." " Are you sure?" " Positive." "Really, Elle, it's cool." "First of all, I'd like to say that I..." "No, first of all whatever this is, you're not running it." "Drew." "We just weren't right for each other, Dor." "And hey, I honestly think you're better off." "Seriously." "I mean I'd bore you after awhile, you know I would." "I'm just not... intellectually curious like you are." "All I want out of life is to work for my father's firm and play." "And you want to, you know..." "better yourself." "And Andrew's more like me." "You don't want to better yourself?" "I really don't." "So you're saying is that I'm better off alone." "No, with someone else." "Who else?" "It took me 22 years to find you." "I think what Ben's trying to say is..." " Andrew, please, I'm upset." " So am I." "You're upset, what do you got to be upset about?" "You won." "You won the prize." "An intellectually uncurious prize but a prize just the same." "You know, maybe right there is one of the reason's why he left you you always have a dig." " Andrew." " It's true, Elle." "Is that the truth?" "Well people do annoy you, Dor." "They don't bother me." "You know, I'm low key, you're kind of high strung." "You have to admit, Dorian, that..." "No, no, no, no." "I don't have to admit a damn thing..." "Not to you, Andrew." "Did you two really come down here to say;" ""Sorry you're alone but here's some tips on changing your personality so you don't have to be"?" "Actually the tips were Ben's idea." "I just wanted to tell you why you're alone." "I think we're done here." "Ben, please don't go." "Ahhh!" "You guys, stop it." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." " Sorry, sorry, sorry." " You alright?" " I'm fine." " What happened?" "Nothing, it's over." "## Circle, circle, here I go back in this place again. ##" "## So will you see me fallin' down or will you just pretend?" "##" " What are you so quiet about?" " Nothing, I'm just tired." "Hey, I thought you were going to take me to a nice place tonight." "It is a nice place." "What, you didn't think so?" "No, it's just that usually nice places don't have bar fights." "Did you have a good time tonight, N ick?" "Yeah I sure did, and seeing Buff was a piss." "Seeing Buff was a piss." "Yeah." "Hey I've got a question for you." "Let me ask you this." "Did you have any idea that this Buff guy was, you know, that way." "No, not at all I mean there was not a clue at quarterback camp." "I'll tell you that." "And you didn't tell him you weren't?" "No, never came up." " Hmm." " Huh?" "Nothing its just, why didn't it come up?" "Just didn't." "I know, but why didn't you make a point of bringing it up?" "Oh, well, I guess I kinda just steered clear of the whole subject." " Huh that's curious." " Why is that curious?" "I don't know, I just find it curious that you would go a whole night without dropping a girfriend's name or you know, finding some way to disclose your preference." "I don't think in terms of disclosing my preference." "Well, when you're not gay in a gay bar you should because this Buffer guy was definitely flirting with you." " He was not." " Oh, yes he was." "Bull shit." "What do you think that laughing and leaning into you was all the hands on your sholder." "That's just how football players are with each other." "Well, that's another whole discussion but I'm not getting into that." "Besides, even if he was, who cares, I mean if the guy was flirting with me and I didn't notice then who gives a shit?" "OK, don't get so defensive." "What's the matter N icky, did you feel something for the guy?" "What did you just ask me?" "If you felt something and that's why you didn't drop girls names and come off." "I had a few beers with the guy." "What the hell are you talking about?" "I'm just asking." "Really, you really think you need to ask me that?" "Apparently I don't." "What, you trying to turn me gay, Dor." "Is that why me took me to..." "Huh?" "Because you're the family faggot, not me." "You're getting really warped, asshole, really warped." "He was insulted, and I was glad." "I wanted to insult him, anything to punch some holes in his perfect life." "But he's impervious to real pain, or so I thought." "He returned an hour later, and sometime in the night..." "I awoke to a sound I hadn't heard since I was ten years old the sound of my brother, crying." "N icky?" "N icky, what is it?" "N icky, what's wrong." "Oh my God, did you like that guy?" "What?" "I was only half serious, but, man..." "I did not like that guy, Dorian." "Jesus Christ, there's a lot more in life to cry about than being gay." "I'm not crying about..." "It's something completely different." "All right, fine, what is it?" " It's none of your business." " What do you mean it's..." "I mean, it's none of your business." "Why is it none of my..." " It just isn't." " Come on, we're brothers." "Oh, yeah, we're brothers when you wanna know something." "Look, I just had a really rough week and it's backing up on me, all right?" "My God, what's happened this is not like you things don't back up on you." "I don't want to talk about it." "Don't tell me you don't want to talk about it." " Just leave it alone will you?" " I will not leave it alone." "Christ, you're worse than a woman." "Hey, N icky, I wake up and find you more upset than I've ever seen you in my life and you expect me to blow it off." "I lost my scholarship." "All right?" "What?" "They took my scholarship." "Your football scholarship?" "No, my Rhodes scholarship, how many scholarships do I have?" "What happened?" "They cut me." "Wednesday." "It's all over, Dor." "I didn't make it." " I didn't have it." " My God." "What do you do now?" "What every other schmuck does, pay tuition." "Did you tell Mom and Dad yet?" " Mm-hmm." " You did, when?" " Wednesday." " What did they say?" "I told Mom first." "She said now you can concentrate on becoming a lawyer." "Then Dad grabs the phone and says "What's going on, N ick?"" "And I tell him and he says "Well that's that, then. "" "And he hands the phone back to mom." "Oh, man, what a prick." "Well it was a huge disappointment for him, Dorian." "For him?" "For him?" "It meant a lot to him." "Then why didn't he become a football player?" "Oh, because he wasn't good enough, there's a real twist." "Can he vent?" "No, God, he should be consoling you and you defend him." "You know, something, you're too hard on people." "You know, Mom said he was up all night after I told him sick as a dog." "I'm sure he was, because he's got his ego all wrapped up in yours." " Man, it's demented." " Man, I shouldn't have told you." "News flash, Dad is fucked up." "So are you, and I give you breaks all the time." "Oh, you give me breaks?" "What?" " Hey guys." " We're being loud, I know." "No, no, no, it's just Dor, you got a call on the hall phone." " It must be Ellie." " No, it's an Aunt Beth." "And that's exactly how it happened." "We were just talking about him." "His name was literally still in the air when we found out he'd a heart attack and was gone." "And to be honest, I didn't know exactly what to feel but poor Nicky, he knew." "## In a perfect world, I would have told you what I was thinking. ##" "## You would have smiled. ##" "## You would have smiled. ##" "## In a perfect world, we would have walked out of this place together, ## ## and said goodbye, ##" "## said good luck. ##" "## I want to scream, but I just whisper. ##" "## In a perfect world, the ones you love should ease your burden... ## ## and make you soar, ## ## make you sure, in a perfect world. ##" "They say a boy becomes a man the day his father dies." "For me it happened a few days late." "I was getting fed up." "I'd already been through two nights of wakes listening to a million people praise my father like he was..." "Ghandi's better brother." "And come the morning of the funeral I'm brooding on the front lawn half hung over and seriously considering not attending the days events, and I think my mother knew it." "What are you doing?" "Just trying to get my head on straight." "Don't wait up." "Head on straight about what, you father?" "He could be a real son of a bitch, couldn't he?" "Excuse me?" "What, you didn't think I knew that?" "I didn't think you'd say it." "Well, he was very angry..." "I know." "Like to talk about you for a minute." " You want to talk, Mom?" " Yes." " About something?" " Don't." "All right, what do you want to talk about?" "About how much you remind me of him." " Of who, Dad?" " Yes." "What is that, some kind of twisted compliment?" "It's not a compliment at all." "I'm saying you're angry too, honey." "Don't you see how angry you are?" "I do." "Your Aunt Beth does." "I don't want that." "I don't want you to be angry and hateful toward people." "I want you to be good." "Even though your father wasn't good to you and your mother didn't have the nerve to stop him." "I know, baby..." "I should have stopped him." "Well, that's all I had to say." "It was a lot actually." "It was a lot, because it was true." "My father did leave me pissed off." "And you know why?" "You know the one worst thing that my father ever did to me?" "He convinced me it matters what people think of you and truth is they never think quite enough." "So from then, I started living my life no matter what they thought." "Even when they thought I was crazy and should take my liberal views and my pink shirt and move to another planet, I just had to laugh cause it's not pink, it's fuchsia."