"I think all the idiots in the world should send us chocolates and liquor baskets." "I just want to touch things." "Why?" "We immortalize their stupidity." "You guys stink worse than my diapers!" "Like the agro chick who went ballistic over a parking spot." "Get off of me!" "And the campaign manager who was nothing to sneeze at." " Electrodes." " We got a bad guy who shocked the world..." "A news reporter who tried to mail it in, a campfire sing-a-long that was too much to swallow..." "And finally..." "I created the Wall of Sound." "A mean, old record producer who made one last hit." "♪ Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up ♪" "They're singing our song." "On the next episode of 1,000 ways to die." "Death is everywhere." "Most of us try to avoid it." "Others can't get out of its way." "Every day we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe." "There's a lot of ways to wind up dead, the fact that we survive at all is a miracle." "Because every day we live, we face..." "This election's done." "It was getting down to the wire for mayoral candidate Robert Stone." "I need to know, are you with me on this, or are you not with me on this?" "In a final push, he and his staff worked the phones." "Stone for mayor." "Stone wanted that office bad." "Melissa, his sexy campaign manager, wanted Stone." "I mean, weeks ago we were way behind from Baumgartner, now we're gonna kick his bum." "but Melissa had one more campaign to mount." "I need to get out of here, heading' home soon." "You can stay for one drink." "Just one long, stiff drink." "Melia was slipping Stone a rufie, the date rape drug." "But she didn't want to do him, she was going to do him in." "He's out like a light." "Listen, I need everyone out front at 7:30." "Melissa was actually a spy, working for Baumgartner," "Stone's opposing candidate." "Sucker." "Come on, time to get up, it's 7:30, let's go!" "Melissa had alerted the press." "When Stone stepped out of the front door, his career would be over." "Good luck in the polls, Mr. Stone." "Mr. Stone, what is this about an alleged" "Hey!" "Hey!" "I don't know." "I didn't do anything!" "Then, as the cameras flashed," "Melissa had the mother of all sneezing fits." "Mr. Stone, what did you do to your intern?" "I didn't do anything!" "What happened back there?" "Do you have a comment?" "Melissa suffered from..." "Otherwise known as "achoo syndrome."" "Achoo syndrome." "It's a genetically inherited condition." "An exposure bright light can cause you to uncontrollably sneeze," "50, 60, 70 times." "The violent sneezing caused an injury to the lining of her aorta, causing the blood to actually go between the leaves of the heart valve itself, and blood being spewed out into her chest cavity, dying within seconds." "Melissa played Stone like a pro." "I need everyone out front at 7:30." "She set him up to knock him down." "But then she went down." "Get that thing out of my face!" "God bless ya, bitch." "What do you say we run through this one?" " Yeah, one more time." " All right, let's do it." "Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry and the Atrics." "♪ I'm old ♪ ♪ oh, your time has passed ♪" "♪ I'm old ♪" "♪ you got really bad gas ♪" "They're the house band at the full rest senior citizens' center." "It's a place where older musicians hang out and, if their arthritis isn't too bad, play some music." "♪ Help, I've fallen and I can't get up ♪" " Where's my wig?" " It's right here." "One of the regulars was old man Arthur." "Who are you?" "A one-time legendary producer." "You're ugly." "In his prime, he ripped off every musician he ever worked with." "Stop!" "Stop!" "This is crap!" "But now those same players were tired of his act." "When you gonna pay us our royalties?" " Yes, when are you?" " I want my money, man." "I created the Wall of Sound." "Don't talk to me like that." "Musicians, as you know, are always excited if somebody's interested in them, and you're just-- they're just tryin' to make it, especially when you're young." "Back in the 50s, when everybody was, you know, cutting singles, and everybody just wanted a taste of that." "They were just like, sure, I'll sign this, I'll sign that." "The people that were makin' hit records that are still played, they're listening, I'm sure, at home, just thinkin' about how they-- they could have been livin' in mansions, still," "at this point, or at least, you know, not ending up in an old folks' home with no money left, you know?" "♪ I'm old!" "♪" "You guys stink worse than my diapers!" "From musicians to his nurse," "Arthur was an equal opportunity jerk." "There you--go." "Warm." "You can't do anything right." " Help me up." " Where are you gonna go?" " Shut up, nurse!" " And don't bump it." "Fat bitch." "Why do you put up with that guy?" "I've had it." "Arthur was famous for two things, bad wigs and carrying a gun." "You've owed me money for 30 years!" "Musicians!" "Ah!" "They're the scum of the earth." "He raised his palsied hand, and took aim." "Every one of you, you'll all die!" "Arthur!" "Put the gun down, Arthur!" "I'm the genius." "I made you!" "By him shooting down at his own bottle, he hit the weakest part of the bottle, which is where the valve is connected, 'cause there's a hole in the bottle." "That would've forced the valve up, the bottle would've opened up like a--a flower, instantly, blown all the oxygen out of it." "It would have been a catastrophic, uh, explosion, and he was as close as you can get to it, so it would've taken him out." "Who are you?" "Arthur screwed everyone he ever worked with." "I'm the genius!" "I made you!" "But in the end, he gave Jerry and the Atrics an ending to their song." "♪ He's dead ♪" "Coming up, a cat fight over a parking spot," "Get off of me!" " And..." " I'm gonna kill you all!" "A criminal gets his slate wiped clean." "What is your problem?" "Bitch!" "You know, there are some things that just aren't worth fighting for." " Don't touch me!" " Right, that's it!" "Like a parking spot." "But don't tell that to Brenda." "When it came to the road, she was a ticking time bomb." "The whole parking lot, and there's not one frickin' spot!" "For people who truly experience intermittent explosive disorder, there usually is an escalation of events, so someone cutting you off in traffic, or taking your parking spot, may not seem like a big deal to you or me," "but for someone with this disorder, uh, it flips them into a state that they can't control." "Then Amy slipped into a spot she'd been patiently waiting for." "Oh, hell no!" "And Brenda went off." "Well, are you gonna move your car?" "What the hell?" "What are gonna do?" "This is my boss' car, you crazy lady!" "Maybe you should tell your boss why you didn't move your car." "What is your problem?" " Ah!" " I said get-- get off of me!" "That's how two chicks start fighting over a parking spot." "But in this case," "Brenda grabbed a little more than she could handle." "Get off of me!" "Bitch, you better move!" "Somebody call an ambulance!" "Our loser in this fight inadvertently fell and impaled herself on the sharp, ornament hood of a car, piercing deep into her abdomen or stomach, causing massive bleeding, resulting in hypovolemic shock, causing her to become unconscious, instantaneously," "and then resulting in immediate death." "What the hell?" "Brenda thought she was the toughest girl in the hood." "Then she landed on the hood." "And realized she didn't have a lot of guts after all." "Strap him." "No!" "It's 1954, and Charles, a convicted murderer, is about to get introduced to a popular psychiatric treatment of the times." "I will kill you!" "I'm gonna kill you all!" "Electro-convulsive therapy, otherwise known as shock treatment." "Administering first dose." "Electro-shock therapy is a treatment for people who have states of psychosis that are severe and untreatable in other ways." "First used in the 1930s to induce seizures, believing that it will set the brain right, reboot the brain." "One of the greatest controversies surrounding electro-shock therapy is people have claimed to have lost years of memory from their lives, which is usually recoverable, to some extent." "Charles was a resilient psychopath, and he was playing possum." "Charles?" "Charles?" "Waiting for the right moment..." "To escape." " Help!" " Stay back!" "Stay back!" "I'll break her neck." "He had been faking his catatonic state, ever since the shock treatment wore off." "If you follow me I will kill you!" "With the orderlies hot on his trail," "Charles was desperate." "But the shock treatment did leave its mark on his heart." "Electro-shock therapy isn't just to the brain, it's to the whole body." "It's like a mini electrocution, and it will disrupt the natural rhythm of your heartbeat, causing what's known as atrial fibrillation." "Lack of coordination of the heartbeat, that he had suffered a heart attack and died." "Charles was a bad guy." "He thought he could beat his shock treatment." "But his heart took a pounding, and then it just..." "Stopped..." "Beating." "Leslie and Amber are arch-rivals on an entry-level motocross circuit." " Yay, Amber!" " Yeah!" "Ladies, start your engines!" "They both share the same dream:" "Making it all the way to the big time, and the big money." "A professional super- or motocross rider can make between $20,000 and $30,000,000, depending on their sponsorship." "Everything from your helmet to your underwear to your boots to the oil that you use." "Everyone has a sponsor, and if you end up winning, then you make the big bucks, and you can also do commercial endorsements." "Leslie jumped out to an early lead." "But after miscalculating a turn, she was smelling Amber's exhaust." "Leslie's mistake handed Amber the win." "One more victory, and Amber would earn a spot in an upcoming pro-level race." "You stupid bitch." "Being the vindictive type, she decided to sabotage her rival's chances." "Start your engines." "Should've been me out there." "Her plan worked, but then the broken chain flew off Amber's bike, and wrapped around Leslie's throat." "She didn't plan on that." "As the stainless steel motorcycle chain ripped through her neck tissues, it acted like a serrated blade, cutting through skin and subcutaneous tissues, as well as the carotid artery." "This would have caused her to bleed out rapidly, at almost one liter per minute, causing death within a couple of minutes." "Leslie would do anything to make it in the highly competitive world of motocross, even cheat." "But in the end, she was a little too..." "Cut throat." "Up next, finally we got a real story to work with." "Hurry, hurry, hurricane." "I can't-  and..." " I just want to touch things." "A campfire tale that'll get you all choked up." "It's hard to believe that anyone would want to steal a seeing-eye dog, but they have." "Joe was a local news reporter with big dreams of covering national stories." "Back to you, Mike." "There was just one problem." "I can't hear anything in this." "I gotta hear the anchor." "What's wrong with you?" "Joe didn't care about anything except looking good on camera." "But then Joe got the call" " about a story..." " Hurricane, huh?" "That would make national news." "Finally we got a real story to work with." "A tropical storm is not a hurricane, and until sustained winds hit 74 miles per hour, hurricanes can dump 12 to 20 inches of rainfall, they can create waves up to 50 feet out on the open ocean," "they can flood 100 miles of coastline with ten feet of water." "Within hours of the initial reports," " the hurricane made landfall..." " What?" "And Joe could just feel that national news anchor job blowing his way." "How's the hair?" " Great, Joe." " Go for it." "As you can see behind me, the traffic lights, they are virtually horizontal." "I'm the only person out here, braving the elements." "Joe made it seem like he was brave for covering this massive storm." "I can't stress enough for everyone to stay indoors." "I can't" "But in the end, he couldn't even stick it out." "Joe was trying to fix his hair, the 150 mile an hour winds had broken a mailbox free from its post." "This six-inch diameter fencepost, traveling at hurricane speeds of over 100 miles an hour, impaled into this man's chest, actually tore the heart right off of the major vessels, causing massive bleeding and instantaneous death." "I can't stress enough" "Joe won't be delivering any more news." "He's feeling a bit..." "Under the weather." "♪ Amazing grace ♪" "There's a lot of ways to try and see God." "♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪" "You can sit around the campfire and sing his praises," "But that didn't cut it for Michelle." "Any requests?" "You know any Marilyn Manson?" "Forced by her parents to get good with God at a religious camping trip..." " That's an old one." " Ha!" "She found another way to get through the night." "A little chemical enhancement." "There are hundreds of Christian camps that minister to thousands of youth every summer." "Some of these youth have already accepted the truth, but some need direction in their lives." "By attending camp, we could give 'em that help, by reintroducing them to the blessings of the lord." "Tonight Michelle decided she was gonna share with her brothers and sisters by spiking dinner with several milligrams of ecstasy." "Dear lord, thank you so much for this food." " Amen." "Amen." "Amen." "I feel amazing." "I love you guys." "We love you, too." "It didn't take long for these happy campers to go from holy rollers..." "To horn dogs." "Yeah!" "Michelle sat back to enjoy the show." "Rock star!" "Rock star!" "Rock star!" "But she suddenly got a little choked up." "I'm sorry." "After inhaling the soot from the fire," "Michelle grabbed a thermos to clear her throat." "It didn't go down too well." "What Michelle didn't know was that boiling water had been poured into the thermos earlier in the night." "When the girl was disinhibited by the drug she was on, and she took the swig of the boiling water, her natural response to spit it out wasn't present, and she caused burns in the back of her throat and epiglottis." "This epiglottis, which normally covers up the airway during swallowing, swelled up and blocked the airway." "She would've passed out within five to 15 seconds." "Death would've ensued within minutes, as there was no oxygen getting to her brain." "Michelle thought she'd play a little joke on her religious friends." "Amen." "But just as they were all about to see God..." "I am a rock star" "Michelle went to meet him..." "Let's pray." "Personally."