"[MUSIC PLAYING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "It's the All Star Revue." "Presented by Pet Milk, Snow Crop, and Kellogg's." "Starring Jack Carson, Jimmy Durante," "Olsen and Johnson, Danny Thomas, Ed Wynn." "And now, in just one minute, we bring your "The Danny Thomas Show"." "Come and get it!" "Come and get it!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "Stop the confusion." "Stop the confusion." "(SINGING) Everybody wants to get into the act, with Kellogg's variety pack." "Buster wants the Corn Flakes, pop wants the [INAUDIBLE]." "Mama loves the Reese's brand [INAUDIBLE]." "Sister loves her Krispies [INAUDIBLE]." "[INAUDIBLE] Kellogg's Shredded Wheat." "Kellogg's makes it fun to eat." "Breakfast with variety packs!" "OK, folks." "There's your favorite individual box of cereal." "Fresh, fresh from Kellogg's variety pack." "Untouched by human hands except their own." "That don't mean you gotta eat with them." "Each individual box comes to you F.O.D. -- fresh on delivery-- from Battle Creek right to your own dish." "Yeah!" "(SINGING) Everybody wants to get into the act, with Kellogg's variety pack!" "Yes, sir!" "Kellogg's variety pack." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "And here he is." "The star of our show, Danny Thomas!" "[APPLAUSE]" "Hey!" "Oh, yes!" "Thank you!" "Cease, cease, cease!" "Please, ladies and gentlemen, you've been standing outside a long time waiting to get in." "You've worked hard enough." "You don't have to applaud." "Just nod your heads." "I'll understand." "Don't worry about it." "I have no temperament whatever, believe me." "I'm very happy to be alive." "Besides our extra special guest stars tonight, we have the services once again of those two wonderful chaps that played "Fate and Destiny"" "for you a couple of shows back." "That's Dave Berry and Bob Hopkins." "There's also Paul Dubov, Jimmy Ames, and Philly Arnold, and [INAUDIBLE]." "I hope it's going to be a good show for you." "I'm quite excited about being back myself." "Honestly because I've been away a long time traveling around the country." "Just got back from New York." "I love to travel." "Years ago when we just had a couple of bucks in the family," "I took a trip, and on this trip-- excuse me." "This is nothing, please." "It will be over in a minute." "It's just when I think about the trip." "Isn't this dreadful?" "Usually it doesn't last this long." "See I traveled from New York to Los Angeles by bus." "I don't know whether or not you've ever been on a bus, but some time if you have a few years to kill, take a trip from New York to Los Angeles by bus." "I walked like this for 92 days after the trip was over." "I had the feet over the rear wheel, you know?" "Two weeks, I walked around doing this." "[SAYING GIBBERISH]" "That's what you get from reading those Burma-Shave signs, you know?" "Of course we got some relief from the situation." "That's when we made what is commonly referred to as a rest stop." "They have the audacity to call it a rest stop." "Every 50 miles, brother." "Tie it in a knot, you could be fast asleep!" "Everybody out!" "Rest!" "You could be dead they'll [INAUDIBLE]." "And that's not all." "There was one woman who used to get tired between stops." "She didn't care where we were when she got tired, either." "We'd be over a bridge or in the Mohave Desert, she'd holler, hold it, wait!" "I'm tired now!" "She often came back, you know." "Oh, what times we had traveling by bus." "But you know the great advantage of it, kidding aside, when motoring or traveling by bus across the country, kind of easing along, you sure do get a chance to drink in this great land of ours." "And for those of you who have just said to yourself, doesn't that sound like a cue for a song?" "May I say it does?" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "(SINGING) America!" "I love you." "Your sweet [INAUDIBLE]." "From ocean to ocean, you're my devotion." "Touches each boundary line." "You're like a little baby, climbing its mother's knee!" "America!" "I love you, and there's a hundred million others like me!" "Oh, but if you want a proper store, just add 60 million more who are living and loving." "Who I love [INAUDIBLE] in the land of the free!" "Hey!" "Yeah!" "[INAUDIBLE]" "Thank you." "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "You too at home." "Bless you for tuning in." "And I'm glad you tuned in and you're gonna be too, because-- you see, a few years ago, one of the top stars in the theatrical world retired at the height of her dancing career." "Well, sir, she's back." "Back where she belongs in the upper echelon of show business, and we are proud she has chosen our show on which to make her television debut." "Surprise number one, ladies and gentleman, Miss Elanor Powell!" "Hey!" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Thank you, Danny." "That was a wonderful introduction." "No more than you deserved, dear lady." "Believe me." "You know, it's really good to be back again." "Especially on your show." "Thank you, dear, and I'm especially happy, too, that you chose our show." "Now this is your first television appearance and I don't want you to be doing two courses [INAUDIBLE]." "So, I mean, let's get the full Powell treatment." "What do you say?" "All right." "Well, I'd like to do a number for you with a little bit of everything rolled into one." "I call it the Powell Goulash." "Ah, good." "Do you mind?" "Do I mind?" "Hm." "One second and this will be off." "You know, I always liked goulash." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[CHEERING]" "Oh-- I don't know about you, but honest to goodness," "I am filled to the core." "I am so happy that she's back in show business again and where she belongs." "And speaking of people who belong in show business, ladies and gentlemen, my next star-- truly a great honor." "Honestly, adjectives are unnecessary, and my beloved friend-- stage and screen" " Miss June Havoc!" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Thank you dearly, Danny." "Oh, sweetie, it's so nice to have you here." "Especially-- especially knowing you've just closed after a solid year run on Broadway without any vacation at all, you flew right out here to be with us." "I was looking forward to working with you, Danny, honestly." "Thank you." "Cross my heart." "Danny, there is one thing that rather confuses me." "I know you'll understand." "Yes." "I've studied this script and I've worked on it, but honest to goodness-- you've got to help me a little bit with the characterization for this sketch." "Oh, Junie." "Junie" "I'm sorry." "You were the inspiration for this sketch." "I was?" "It's your characterization in the motion picture," ""Possess", that gave us the idea." ""Lady Possess"?" "Yes, "Lady Possess "." "You are suffering from hallucinations." "In this sketch, too, you see, but in this case you're a movie fan." "You love the movies." "You see all the pictures." "You subscribe to every movie magazine." "So much so that now everybody you talk to sounds like a movie star." "Just a minute." "Danny?" "Huh?" "I'm in character." "Ah." "Now I'll get into costume." "Go, girl." "Go." "[LAUGHING]" "Ladies and gentlemen-- and now the presentation of the sketch," "Mr. and Mrs. Christian." "The" " Thank you very much." "Oh, I thought you were applauding me." "Mr." "Thomas, this show is 12 minutes old and I haven't done a thing yet." "Do I or do I not work here?" "Certainly you work here, Bonnie." "Why are you getting excited about?" "There's just no place for you right now." "Excuses, excuses." "Always excuses." "Why did I ever leave [INAUDIBLE]?" "Oh, no." "Oh, no, you've been talking with those actors again, huh?" "All right, I'll tell you what I'll do for you." "I was going to make the announcement on the sketch." "You do it for me, huh?" "Go ahead." "A fine job for a legitimate actress." "Oh, well." "Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to present a production which utilizes the virtuosities of such" "[INAUDIBLE] as June Havoc and Danny Thomas." "[INAUDIBLE] magnitude." "The [INAUDIBLE] portrayal for [INAUDIBLE] merit your highest products." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Good morning, Gregory darling." "Good morning, my loves." "Good morning, Bobby dear." "Good morning." "Good morning, [INAUDIBLE]." "Good morning, [INAUDIBLE]" "Good morning, Homer." "You're late for breakfast." "What happened?" "What happened?" "I got lost in these pajamas." "Whoever made you buy these silly things anyhow?" "Who says they're silly?" "The sales girl told me that these pajamas are the exact same kind that Gary Cooper wears." "Yeah, but you could have got him a Mickey Rooney size." "Stop being so difficult." "Sit down and have your breakfast." "[SCREAMING]" "Nah." "For a minute there, I thought you looked like Marlon Brando." "Will you cut it out already with the movie stars?" "One day it's [INAUDIBLE]." "Next day it's Ben Johnson." "What about me, your husband, Homer Christian?" "Don't you dare mention your name in the same breath with theirs." "Excuse me for living, but you remember marrying me, don't ya?" "Well, of course I do, darling." "How could I ever forget our wedding day?" "You mean-- you do remember?" "Mm-hmm." "Of course I do, love bug." "That was the time we saw Robert Montgomery in "Night Must Fall"." "Yeah, and we saw Judy Holliday in "The Marrying Kind"." "Then we saw "The Adventures of Tarzan"." "What a way to spend a honeymoon." "Every day we went to a different movie." "Well, why not, Homer dear?" "Aren't you supposed to enjoy yourself on a honeymoon?" "Let's forget about the whole thing, huh?" "What about the leaking pipe?" "Did you have it fixed?" "Don't worry, I called the plummer ." "He'll be here today." "So eat your breakfast." "A hard-boiled egg and a cracker?" "That is the exact same breakfast that Frank Sinatra eats every single morning." "Yeah, but your eating toast and coffee and bread and butter and eggs and [INAUDIBLE] noodle soup and all" "This is the exact same breakfast that Ava Gardner eats every morning." "Just my luck." "Ava Gardner couldn't marry Sidney Greenstreet." "Eat your breakfast." "[SINGING]" "[SHRIEKS]" "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "Errol Flynn shaved off his mustache!" "Ain't that too bad!" "Ahaha!" "What's the matter?" "Ahaha!" "Gregory Peck is growing a mustache!" "You see how everything worked out?" "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." "Well, isn't that something." "Now the world's in balance." "You don't mind, I would like to take a look and see how the world is doing if it's all right with you." "I would like to read the paper" "I cut out a few pictures." "You don't mind?" "No, not at all." "It's nice and airy this way." "Cut out a few pictures." "Will you do me a favor and cut it out with these movie stars?" "[INAUDIBLE], why don't you let Dr. Gilmore look at ya?" "I don't wish to see a doctor." "I'm all right." "But sweetheart, it isn't normal for you to keep thinking about movie stars." "Well what is there to think about, Homer?" "You" " All right, [INAUDIBLE], come in!" "Uh, pardon me, folks." "Got a delivery from the [INAUDIBLE] Marching Gallery." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Bring it in!" "Bring it in right away!" "What you buy at the auction?" "Oh, you'll be mad about this." "Wait 'til you see." "What is it?" "It belonged to Rudolph Valentino." "Rudolph Valentino?" "Oh, boy." "Just what I always wanted." "Now I can take a bath in the kitchen." "Are you out of your mind?" "Take a bath in Rudolph Valentino's tub?" "Is nothing sacred to you?" "What're you going to do with it?" "I'm going to make a lamp out of it." "OK, Louie." "Drop that tub." "LOUIE:" "What are you getting so nervous about?" "I'm not nervous." "I never get nervous, pal." "Humphrey Bogart!" "Huh?" "What?" "You sound just like Humphrey Bogart." "Oh, no, darling." "No, sweetheart." "No, he doesn't sound like him." "He does too." "Now leave me alone." "[INAUDIBLE] who sounds like Humphrey Bogart." "Dr." "Gilmore, get here-- oh, you poor kid-- excuse me, sir, but what did you say to my wife?" "Oh, I merely remarked to my coworker, Louis, to set this priceless collector's item down with great care less it sustain an injury." "This is Humphrey Bogart?" "Mrs." "Christian, come here." "Mrs. Christan, would you be so kind as to put your signature on this receipt." "You hear me!" "Mrs. Christian, would you be so kind?" "If you don't sign this slip, I shall have you hanging from the highest chandelier in this house, you hear?" "Charles Laughton!" "What, what, what?" "No" "It's Charles Laughton." "No, darling, no." "It isn't Charles" "What do you mean no?" "I guess I oughta know Charles Laughton when I hear him." "I'm the one that sees movies" "But he doesn't sound like Charles Laughton." "Sir, I" "Look, buddy." "I don't want to get mixed in any family squabbles." "All I want to do is get this lady to sign this receipt, you understand?" "Yes, I know, but you see, my wife" "Now, look, lady, we want don't any trouble from you, see?" "Yes, now put your name down on that receipt [INAUDIBLE] if you know what's good for ya." "And get it down quick if you want to stay healthy, see [INAUDIBLE]?" "Yah." "Bleh." "Edward Robinson G!" "It is not Edward Robinson G!" "It is Edward G. Robinson!" "You're right!" "It's him!" "It is not him!" "I guess I oughta now [INAUDIBLE]!" "When does Dr. Gilmore get here?" "Oh, my goodness." "Ay, [INAUDIBLE], I tell you." "Now why don't you be a good little girl?" "Why don't you be a good little girl, [INAUDIBLE], and sign this receipt." "Then me and Parker can go on with our work." "[INAUDIBLE], I'd be very happy to sign your receipt if you give me" "Ah, dear lady, if I were king." "I would still want your name in our receipt [INAUDIBLE]." "It is our duty, you know, and one musn't [INAUDIBLE] one's duty must one, hmm?" "Ronnie, dear, you may kiss our hands." "Darling." "All right." "All right, lady." "I don't want any trouble out of you." "Just a moment." "[INAUDIBLE] partner and I, [INAUDIBLE], and what we want you to do-- it's a very simple idea-- is for you to sign this little pad." "Would you do that?" "Please?" "Please?" "Well, of course, Mr. [INAUDIBLE]." "There." "There you are." "Greta Garbo?" "What!" "Oh, forgive me for speaking up, sir, but your wife gives every appearance of abnormality." "Yeah, she's nuts." "Fellas, please." "Don't say anything around the neighborhood, will ya?" "Don't say anything" " Dear?" "Dearest?" "Greta?" "Darling, dearest" "No, no." "I want to be alone." "Don't talk to me." "Sweetheart, pull yourself together, will ya?" "You're imagining so many" "No, no." "I heard 'em, I heard 'em." "Ronald Cohen kissed my hand and over there Edward G. Robinson said to me" "Please, sit down and relax." "Honest, when Dr. Gilmore comes please let him talk to you." "I don't want to see any doctor because I don't need a doctor." "That's all there is to it." "Sweetheart, please!" "It's not going to hurt anything." "It isn't normal for you to think everybody is a movie star." "All right, love, maybe you're right." "I'll see him if you say so." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Oh, that must be him-- he now." "Oh, come in, Dr. Gilmore." "How are you?" "I'll take your case." "How do you do?" "Fine, Doctor." "It's terrible." "But she says she'll talk to you." "Please try to help her." "Good, I'll have a little talk with her." "Hello, Doctor." "My dear young lady." "There's nothing to be alarmed about." "Young Dr. [INAUDIBLE] had a case similar to yours and he cured it in no time." "He did, huh?" "Yeah." "Well I'll tell ya, Dr. Barrymore, I get these" "You see what I mean, Doctor?" "Yes, it's quite serious." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "That must be the plumber now." "The plumber?" "Oh, come in." "Come in." "All right, lady." "Where's the leaking pipe?" "Where is it?" "What?" "Hey, it's Eddie Cantor!" "How about that?" "That ain't Eddie Cantor, for goodness sake." "That's Fortulli, the plumber." "Not Eddie Cantor!" "[SINGING]" "Oh, my husband." "My poor husband is gone." "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "Please, please, Mr. Cantor." "They think I'm crazy, Mr. Cantor." "Tell them who you are, Mr. Cantor." "Please, we will you please, Mr. Cantor?" "My boy, how long have you been suffering with these hallucinations?" "Oh, no." "No." "Aw." "MAN SINGING:" "There's nothing like snow, snow, snow, snow flakes on the mountain." "Big, frigid flakes of snow." "Nature's snowflakes." "And we gotta go, go, gotta go climb up that mountain." "If I wasn't dumb, I'd be back at home wit Kellogg's Corn Flakes." "Somehow [INAUDIBLE] the mountain, a special kind of day." "[INAUDIBLE], just to cause [INAUDIBLE]." "I'd rather have corn, corn, Kellogg's Corn Flakes on the mountain." "Not a stop or drop, never reach the top without Kellogg's Corn Flakes." "Mountain climbing is such an adventure." "You'll never know who you'll meet." "Maybe the abominable snowman!" "Or maybe just a fella who will let you eat corn, corn," "Kellogg's Corn Flakes in the morning." "If I had my way, I'd start every day, with Kellogg's Corn Flakes!" "[INAUDIBLE] no visit from that lovely lady would be complete without her great characterization of a 1920 vaudeville queen." "Ladies and gentleman, Miss June Havoc as she presents that fabulous character of the early 1920s, Miss Cushions La Fay." "CUSHIONS LA FAY:" "No, no, no!" "No, no, no, please." "No more autographs, please." "Autograph, autograph, autograph, autograph." "No more autographs, please." "No more autographs." "Oh, this is junk." "This is absolute junk." "This [INAUDIBLE]." "Yes, little man, you may get up off your knees now." "Oh, dear, the life of a rich, wealthy celebrity is a bore." "A bore indeed." "Uh, Miss La Fay?" "I want to ask you just one thing." "Later, little man." "Later." "[SINGING]" "Oh, please." "Please, Miss La Fay!" "Just one thing." "Later, my boy." "Later." "I think that's my cue, now." "MAN:" "You're on next, Miss La Fay." "Very well [INAUDIBLE]." "Oh, Miss La Fay, there's just one thing I've got to ask you." "Very well, little man." "Please!" "Yes?" "Could I empty your wastebasket?" "Really?" "Ow!" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[SINGING]" "(SINGING) It was raining when I heard your story." "It was raining." "Your friend [INAUDIBLE]." "I shared your hopes and fears." "I gave you my best years." "It was I who paved the way for you." "Now you say we're through." "Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" "After I brought you [INAUDIBLE] sunshine, you left me out in the rain." "I took your past." "It was I who gave you your shot." "And now you repay me with a broken heart!" "[TRUMPET BLARING]" "I helped you win, and when you won, who was it?" "I was the one to lose." "You boldy sold my love for gold, and you left with [INAUDIBLE]." "[TRUMPET BLARING]" "After I brought you [INAUDIBLE], you left me standing out in the rain." "Well, you're right up on top now, and you'd like to be free." "I guess you're just too big for poor little me." "It just happens I have three letters you" "[COLLAPSING SOUND]" "You wrote these at three different stages of your career." "The first one says sweetheart, my wonderful one." "I'll always be grateful for all that you've done." "Grateful?" "Ha, the things I did for that man." "I bought him new shoes, new clothes, new hat, new teeth." "The very next night I see him out in the nightclub dancing all dressed up and smiling at another woman with my teeth." "This is the second one." "It came after I gave you your [INAUDIBLE], and this one came from your [INAUDIBLE]." "Not your heart." "Ah, but the third one, and this one you admit without a doubt." "But although I fed you kisses for breakfast, lunch, and then dinner, you preferred eating out." "Well I answered these letters." "I agreed to be [INAUDIBLE]." "And now, I'm doing to thee what you did to my heart." "My father tried to warn me." "He did, he said over my dead body you'll marry that lug." "And he made an awful lump in the rug." "But I want you to stay right in there." "Go on." "Keep punching You'll hit yourself." "And I hope with everything I've got that you'll find your goal at the end of your rainbow and not just your pot." "(SINGING) And after I brought you my sunshine, you left me standing out!" "Wonderful." "Tremendous [INAUDIBLE]." "Wasn't she great?" "She's wonderful." "As a matter of fact, Elanor, both you young ladies are giving superb performances tonight." "I'm really amazed." "What great performances for women." "Well, what kind of a remark is that?" "What do you mean, "for women"?" "Well, I mean after all, the great-- the great stand-up performers of all time have always been men." "Let's face it, it's a man's world." "It's a man's world?" "That's right." "Have you looked at the world lately?" "That's what's wrong with it." "It's a man's world." "Aw, I" "When anything good is accomplished, you men take credit for it." "Yeah" "Do you realize that women are the driving force of this nation?" "[INAUDIBLE]" "And the day isn't too far off when women will control politics." "And let me get a word in, please, Danny." "Listen to me." "A woman would make a great speaker of the house, and I'd even go so far as to say the time will come when a woman will throw her hat into the ring." "Yeah, but if I" "Look, you talk too much." "Take it from me." "We women will run this country one day." "Just you wait and see." "What did I say?" "She got mad for nothing." "She says to me women are the driving force of this country!" "I should have said, yeah, when women drive, they force you right off the road, I should have said." "She says to me a woman could be a speaker of the house." "I shoulda said to her I've yet to find a house where the woman wasn't the speaker, I shoulda said." "Boy, that would have been a good one." "Now I think of it." "Why can't I think of what I should've said when I should've said it." "How do you like that?" "Women in politics." "She says the day will come when women will throw their hat in the ring!" "I should've said-- I should've said" "I've seen the kinda hats you women wear." "You oughta throw 'em in the alley, I should have said." "How do you like that?" "We women will run this country one day, she said." "I should've said, yeah, and that's how long the country would last." "One day." "Boy, oh, boy." "Get soft for nothing." "Women running the country." "What an idiotic thought." "Can you imagine if we had a woman president?" "Holy smokes." "You'd like to see what it would be like and how long it would take?" "Come on." "Well, come on!" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "ALL (SINGING):" "We're political reporters here in Washington," "D.C. The latest news is right within our reach." "And in this most important year of 1973, we are covering the president inauguration speech." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "And so I say to all of you, my loyal friends and backers." "We'll cut our annual budget to 800 billion smackers." "I'll justify your faith in me." "I promise I will try." "To be the finest president that money can buy." "ALL (SINGING):" "She'll give the country the fairest shake that she can supply." "She'll be the finest president that money can buy." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "(SINGING) And what did my vice president think about my little chat?" "(SINGING) You'll get the vote of every dame who is a democrat." "You think so?" "(SINGING) Your hairdo was exquisite." "Thank you!" "(SINGING) Your dress looked very nice." "You were charming, Madam President!" "Thank you, Madam Vice." "I do wish you'd remember to finish that work." "All right, then, Madam Vice President." "Thank you." "My goodness, do I have to spend four years with this woman?" "[SINGING]" "Oh" "Excuse me, Madam President." "Yes?" "(SINGING) I bring this message to you!" "Yes?" "(SINGING) A reporter's waiting in the hall who'd like to interview you!" "I'm not interested." "(SINGING) We must not offend the press for they can make or break you." "Well, send her in as fast as those two chubby legs can take her." "Good morning, Madam President!" "Morning." "Good morning, Madam Vice!" "Some days it never happens once." "Today it happened twice." "Oh, for goodness sake." "Will you stop being so sensitive?" "My goodness-- you're worse than a-- a man!" "And you?" "Who are you?" "Well I'm a reporter." "A reporter?" "Yes." "Isn't that cute?" "A man reporter." "Yes, ma'am." "Ted Thomas is the name." "I'm from the Men's Home Journal." "Speak up, boy." "Yes, ma'am." "We have a very progressive magazine now." "We have a political page." "You do?" "Yes." "I want to ask a few questions about the-- well, excuse me, the [INAUDIBLE], and, uh-- who's that?" "Martha Washington, the mother of our country." "What do you think of her." "Oh, George!" "Just one of my little jokes, haha!" "My very little jokes." "Heh." "Uh, Madam President, where were you born?" "Charleston." "Charleston!" "Charleston!" "VICE PRESIDENT:" "Charleston!" "Oh, Charleston!" "What's that?" "[INAUDIBLE]." "We have to have a sort of flippant moment once in a while." "Oh." "You get the idea." "I don't think you two people have met politically." "This is Vice President [INAUDIBLE], Mr. Thomas." "How are you?" "ALL:" "Hawai'i!" "[MIMICKING HAWAIIAN TUNE]" "Gee, what a swell way to crack walnuts." "Back to politics." "Oh, yes, ma'am." "Speaking of politics." "Yes?" "I know that men are in the minute minority, but do you mind if I make a suggestion?" "Not at all." "Go ahead." "Don't you think you ought to limit the take home pay of the Internal Revenue department?" "What do you know about running the government?" "OK." "Why don't you stay in the kitchen where you belong with your hands in the [INAUDIBLE]?" "You are only a man." "Only a man!" "Only a man!" "Only a man!" "(SINGING) Behind everyone woman there's a man." "This boy has [INAUDIBLE]." "(SINGING) Behind every girl there's a fellow." "It gets to me here." "(SINGING) The wife may go to work to keep the family off the [INAUDIBLE]." "But if not for our husbands, who'd be a mother to our kids?" "[HUMMING]" "(SINGING) Now, honey child, behind every female there's a man." "Yes, honey child." "He does his best to make [INAUDIBLE]." "And I tell you, honey child, [INAUDIBLE]." "(SINGING) And when she comes home at night," "I greet her looking oh, so, sweet." "I even wear a [INAUDIBLE]." "That's to keep my figure neat." "And she barges into the house." "Looks at me and says what's to eat?" "Aw, shut up!" "(SINGING) Behind every lady, there's a gent." "BOTH (SINGING):" "So there." "Behind every woman, there's a man!" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "The man is absolutely right." "Yes, sir!" "The man is absolutely right." "BOTH (SINGING):" "We understand your problems and we'll start a crusade." "There gonna be changes made!" "All right!" "BOTH (SINGING):" "We're gonna take the man away [INAUDIBLE]." "We're gonna make him equal to a dame." "(SINGING) I've got those clean up all the ash trays, wash the empty glasses after my wife and her friends play poker 'til three in the morning blues!" "(SINGING) We're gonna give our husbands more attention." "Yes, yes!" "(SINGING) We're gonna end this [INAUDIBLE]." "(SINGING) I got those who does she think she's fooling when she tells me that the blonde hair on her collar is from the cocker spaniel blues!" "BOTH (SINGING):" "You don't know how important little things can be." "You make us sound like nervous wrecks." "BOTH (SINGING):" "From now on, we'll remember every anniversary." "Let's be kind to the weaker sex." "BOTH:" "We're human, too." "BOTH (SINGING):" "We're gonna [INAUDIBLE] our best to get it [INAUDIBLE]." "We're gonna give you guys a helping hand." "ALL (SINGING): [INAUDIBLE]." "In this great, big, wonderful [INAUDIBLE]!" "And now, ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you, not only into my heart, but into the love of my life." "The American Nightclub." "That's where I was runged up." "And I'd like to bring you to a composite of all the clubs that I have worked, and I call it the Chez Rivi Copa." "Where right now we are featuring the great dancing of the star," "Miss Eleanor Powell." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[INAUDIBLE]!" "Welcome home, sweetheart." "Welcome home." "Thanks for coming." "[INAUDIBLE] wonderful!" "Oh, why should have ever retired for one day, I'll never know." "Hi, folks." "Hope your enjoying yourselves at the club." "We've got a lot of customers out here." "Every home in America we hope is on ringside." "With that thought in mind, [INAUDIBLE] show business has sort of an open sesame into the homes of American people." "I think what with all this chaos going on the world, it's fitting and proper that we try to do something to bring you a little enlightenment." "And so, I would like to sing for you a song called," ""Take it Easy, Be Casual, Relax"." "In other words, my friend, things aren't so bad that they couldn't be worse, and they'll be worse so don't worry." "(SINGING) Does this hectic world around you get you down?" "Are you gloomier than anyone in town?" "May I, in all humility, suggest a simple cue?" "And if yous care to heed it, yous'll be happier." "I went to college." "I'm sure-- for instance-- when you're bettin' on a horse, you're gonna win, of course." "You've got a system that beats all of the tracks." "When you lose, make this note just before you cut your throat." "Take it easy, be casual, relax." "Oh, when you come home late some nights, fellas, you don't put on the light as you quietly remove your coat and your slacks." "When the lights glare in your eyes, and your friends all yell "Surprise"!" "Take it easy, be casual, but pull your pants up." "Aw, I say that because you can be too casual." "(SINGING) So take it easy." "Be calm and be cool." "And then if your wife runs off with your [INAUDIBLE], it could be worse." "She might come back." "And bring her mother with her." "I've offended you." "I apologize." "I apologize to all the mothers-in-law who are here." "Not to mine, just to those that are here!" "I'm not gonna bore you with mother-in-law jokes." "I stopped telling them 16 years ago." "That's when I got married." "Since then, they haven't been so funny." "But there is a story I would like to tell you that is more than humor." "It's psychology." "It is sheer wisdom." "I read it in a book titled "Treasures of Jewish Folklore", which is anything but a joke book." "It's a wonderful, colorful, well-written book about an ancient people." "Which leads me to believe this story is at least 1,000 years old but it's been modernized." "And this is it." "Two women meet in the streets, and after the usual salutations, one woman says, and tell me, dear, how's your daughter?" "And the other said, my daughter, thank God." "Very lucky." "My daughter married a man that's a prince." "He don't let her put her hands in cold water." "She says in bed 'til 12 o'clock noon everyday." "Shops by [INAUDIBLE] like a movie star, and what do you think, every afternoon brings Kahlua cocktails." "My daughter's very lucky." "The woman said, isn't that wonderful, and how's your son?" "She said, ah!" "You spoiled my whole day." "That poor boy, what happened to him." "He married one of those fancy shmancy girls that got to stay in bed 'til 12 o'clock noon every day." "Spends all of his money [INAUDIBLE] and she's" "[INAUDIBLE]." "Drinks cocktails all the time!" "(SINGING) Now if you make much more dough than most but you really hate to boast." "So you leave some items off your income tax." "There's no nicer place on earth [INAUDIBLE]." "Take it easy, you might look good in stripes." "If you want to have fun, here's how it's done-- relax!" "This is an orange." "A choice, tree-ripe and beauty." "The kind Snow Crop picks right at the peak of perfection to make Snow Crop frozen orange juice." "Why frozen?" "Because freezing is the one way to capture and keep all that flavor of healthful vitamin C." "And, as Teddy Snow Crop says, Snow Crop saves you all the work and half the cost of oranges you'd carry home and squeeze." "All you do is add three cans of water, stir, and a six ounce can makes a pint and a half of wonderful orange juice." "And, in nationwide taste test, America votes 2-1 Snow Crop tastes better than home squeezed." "No wonder Snow Crop is by far America's biggest selling orange juice." "Get Snow Crop." "JINGLE:" "The finest foods are chosen." "Yeah, the freshest foods are frozen." "Buy Snow Crop frozen foods!" "It's Snow Crop." "Snow Crop." "[INAUDIBLE], I would like to sing a little song just for you." "Because, while you seem to think that" "I didn't want you to do a lot on this show, and I really do." "And I love you very much." "And this is a song that-- well, it's kind of an [INAUDIBLE]." "Everybody wants to know who is that little girl on your show?" "Well, Walter" "(SINGING) She's the end of the rainbow." "My pot of gold." "Danny's little girl to have and to hold." "A precious gem." "That's what you are." "You're mommy and daddy's bright and shining star." "You're the treasure that I cherish." "Oh, gee, so sparkling, so bright." "You were touched by a holy and beautiful light." "Like angels that sing, your a heavenly thing, and your Danny's bunny girl."