"(SCREAMS)" "Have you thought of a name for her yet?" "What?" "A name?" "GURGLING" "I actually miss her, you know." "Yeah." "So do I." "(ALL) Surprise!" "(ALL) Surprise!" "It's your birthday!" "No, it isn't." "It really isn't." "April." "I knew this party was a bad idea." "Did you?" "Did you now?" "Just pretend, like, I'm not here." "A record that says he wouldn't be interested in me if he could walk, so I'm asking if you're dancing..." "No, I'm not." "This programme contains strong language." "Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, I'm so bored, it's boring..." "Just 24 hours." "The kind of 24 hours Jack Bauer would love." "No terrorists, no nuclear bombs about to go off, just a bunch of disabled people slowly decomposing." "(SIGHS) We were told at the beginning we had to leave this island exactly as we found it." "But technically, that's impossible, isn't it?" "Anyway, fuck that." "I hate this island." "Stupid fucking island." "(GEORDIE ACCENT) It's Day 89 and all the Cast Offs are still disabled." "(APRIL) I can't believe it's over already." "Yep." "That three months of slow starvation has just flown by." "(WILL) So what are we going to do tomorrow for our last night?" "(TOM) I think, for a start, we should have a big dinner." "Eat everything that's left." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "But you can't cook." "(APRIL) Why not?" "(WILL) You always cook." "It's our last night." "We've got to do something different." "We've got to do something different." "But I want to cook." "(DAN) No." "You cook, you die!" "All right, then." "I won't cook." "(DAN) Excellent." "I'll do it." "Oh." "It's ready." "Here you are, Tom." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Chef's surprise." "And the surprise is... (ALL) It's a bit shit." "We're running." "Quiet, please." "The best thing about the island." "Um..." "Me." "Definitely." "The people." "Can I just say I hate the use of the word "best"?" "Oh, killing the fox." "No comment." "Leaving it!" "The worst thing?" "Probably the people." "No comment." "Not killing Will." ""Worst" is like "best", I'm afraid." "Yeah." "Pooing in a hole in the ground." "The worst thing about being on the island?" "I only get one?" "Fuck that." "I got a list." "I learnt a lot about disability..." "I guess." "I mean, you know..." "I felt a bit bad, not being disabled." "You obviously thought I was disabled, otherwise I wouldn't have been there." "But, er, if you look at someone like..." "I dunno..." "Dan." "He's in a wheelchair." "That's very different to me." "I'm just a bit on the short side." "Hello!" "Can you...?" "Could you buzz me in, please?" "Thanks." "KNOCKING" "Hi, Carrie!" "So..." "Oh." "Right, come on in." "I've got Jaffa Cakes!" "So you're saying this weekend?" "This coming weekend, eh?" "Just that..." "Right, no, that's, um..." "Yeah, that's..." "I'm..." "I'm just, you know..." "I'm just a little bit concerned that, um..." "Actually, I'll, er..." "You know, we have only had, you know, a couple of lessons." "Don't be like that." "I'm great with kids." "It's like I have the appropriate mental function." "I've got no mental function." "I see what you're saying, but you've got virtually no performing experience." "And that's why I came to you, and you taught me, and I'm grateful." "Two lessons!" "Two great lessons." "All right." "We've got to start somewhere, I suppose." "Now, then..." "Um..." "We'll start there." "You take one of those." "(TOM) Right." "That's me." "Good night." "Good night." "(WILL) I'm going to miss this place." "(DAN) I was thinking I might spend the night out on the island." "(APRIL) Yeah, I thought about doing that... ..and then I thought... what if it rains?" "What if it's really cold?" "What if I get bitten by insects?" "What if there's an axe murderer?" "I was thinking about sleeping in the barn, rather than under the stars." "Still...rather you than me." "I admire your balls." "You, sir, have massive balls." "Well, good night, Danny Big Balls." "'Night." "RUSTLING" "(WHISPERS) Who's there?" "Carrie?" "FOX CRIES IN DISTANCE" "Another Jaffa Cake?" "I'm OK.Sure?" "So...we should go out." "Where?" "Go shopping for stuff." "I was going to show you some origami today." "Come on, come out shopping with me." "I'm not really one for shopping." "I'm not really one for shopping." "Please?" "How was the island?" "Yeah, the island was fine." "It was, you know..." "It was just...what it was." "But by the time it came to the end, I was really glad to finish." "What did you do before that?" "Oh, fleet management." "Post Office." "Wow." "That's quite a career shift, isn't it?" "Yeah, but it just felt a bit, "Ooh, you've got a job." "Isn't that wonderful?"" "HORN BEEPS" "HORN BEEPS Suck my fat one!" "They got me a special desk." "Everyone was so excited." ""Ooh, we've got you a special desk."" "But I didn't stay long." "It felt a bit weird." "That and the early starts." "Does...does that happen a lot?" "All the time." "It's a fetish thing." "I could make a killing as a prostitute, if this working with kids doesn't pan out." "if this working with kids doesn't pan out." "Right." "Right." "So..." "Jesus." "All right, clown...clowning." "The most important thing about a clown is...is blatant bribery, OK?" "Which means sweets." "So, er..." "You know, unless it's rich kids, in which case give them organic trail mix." "Ladies first." "That's a lot of sweets, isn't it?" "Yes." "They're not all for me." "It is a lot, though, isn't it?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "There's your change." "So what about before that?" "A travel agent's." "A PR company." "A hotel, a butcher's." "A fast food place. "Do you want fries with that?"" "An old people's home, a clothing warehouse and a web designer's." "Oh, and I once carried a bag through customs a couple of times for a swarthy man named Carlos." "But this is the one, I reckon." "I've got a good feeling about this." "Really." "All the time." "There you go." "You have a go." "OK." "This is..." "This is..." "BALLOON SQUEAKS" "..a snake." "OK." "BALLOON SQUEAKS" "A sausage dog that's had its ears and legs ripped off in a car accident." "That's a nice little story for the kiddies(!" ")" "Baby snake." "Baby snake." "Yeah." "Not quite the spirit." "Dead snake." "OK, look, that's funny." "Yes." "But - serious point - don't mention death." "What if...what if Nana's just died?" "What if...what if Nana's just died?" "I'm only messing." "Clowning is a serious business." "Look, I appreciate the tips, but I'm not going to do any ballooning." "It just isn't me." "I'm just going to stick to..." "Sorry about this." "No, no, no." "Go on." "MOBILE BUZZES" "No, honestly, it's not a problem if you want to..." "I'm just going to stick to playing some games and making it up as I go along." "What?" "You mean you haven't prepared anything?" "!" "I just want to see how it feels." "I just want to see how it feels." "Oh!" "At least you've got the height thing." "At least you've got the height thing." "What height thing?" "You mustn't feel self-conscious about it." "If you've got something naturally funny, use it, huh?" "use it, huh?" "I'll see you next week." "Carrie?" "Carrie!" "Hang on, wait." "There you go." "Carrie!" "Carrie, seriously, let me show you my magic trick." "You fucking perv!" "Carrie?" "Carrie!" "It's fine, Darren." "It's fine, Darren." "I'll get the gate." "Come back and let me know how it went, won't you?" "I'm not filled with confidence, to be honest." "BIRDSONG" "MAN'S VOICE ON RADIO" "(APRIL) There's a boat coming in!" "(CARRIE) They're coming to get us?" "They're not meant to come till tomorrow." "It's not right." "I'm not ready yet." "I've not packed or anything." "(WILL) Is that Gabby?" "(CARRIE) What?" "!" "(APRIL) It is!" "Gabby's back!" "(CARRIE) Is she mad?" "Why would she come back?" "(DAN) To see us. (APRIL) She's got the baby!" "She's come to show us the baby!" "She managed to keep it alive, then." "Aren't you Little Miss Sunshine(?" ")" "Sorry?" "I didn't mean..." "God, it'll be a real downer if she's come to show us her dead baby." ""Ah, it's so dead." "Does it get being dead from your side?" ""Oh, look, it's got your dead eyes."" "I know it's been a while since we did any social interaction, but shall we go and say hello?" "I wanted to thank you." "All of you." "Especially you, Carrie." "Here." "I want you to hold her." "Really?" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I want you all to hold her." "I want you to pass her round and keep passing her round until she's 21 and you've put her through college." "Then I'll take her back." "LAUGHTER" "Is she sleeping through?" "Yeah, pretty much." "She's good." "Plus when she does cry..." "I'm deaf." "Result!" "She's got her mother's head." "It's very head-shaped." "Actually, her dad had a head too." "BABY CRYING" "(WHISPERS) Yep, I've got her." "I've got her." "She's beautiful." "Takes after her mother." "Kids are amazing, aren't they?" "Turns out." "So when do you go?" "Um, I meant, you know, how long have we got you for, before they take you back?" "That still sounds bad, doesn't it?" "I didn't..." "I'm staying the night." "Really?" "Yeah." "You're stuck with me." "With us, in fact." "You're keeping Molly on the island?" "Yeah." "If she can survive being born here," "I reckon she can survive one more night." "Someone call Social Services!" "My first boyfriend." "A man called Keith." "Wasn't his fault, the name was in the family." "He used to say that if you want something, you've got to change whatever you need in order to get it." "He's now called Brenda and he lives in the Pennines." "His point was a good one." "I hate people who aren't happy with who they are." "Especially people who won't admit they're unhappy." "I came back from the island and I realised I was unhappy." "So what did I do?" "I changed myself." "That's...well, you know." "Dan'd do well to listen to that." "Wouldn't he?" "Hi!" "Hi." "Come in." "How are you?" "All right, thanks." "Good." "This is nice, isn't it?" "Yeah." "It's really exciting." "It is exciting." "I'm excited." "Olive's really excited." "Do you want anything to eat or drink?" "No, thanks." "Glass of wine?" "No, I'm cool." "I'll have one if you're having one." "No, I'm fine." "So where's Olive?" "Oh, they're at McDonald's." "They'll be climbing the walls by now." "By the time they get back, they'll be running round like little suicide bombers!" "But polite, well brought-up little suicide bombers." "I brought some sweets to bribe the kids." "Oh, you won't need to bribe them." "So, have you heard from Dan?" "No." "Shall I change the subject?" "No." "It's just that I haven't spoken to him, so...you know, there's nothing to say." "Ooh, have you seen the garden since we've had it done up?" "Shall we have a look?" "Carrie!" "Stuart." "I'm looking forward to this show." "You're a bit older than the target audience." "Yeah, well, I'm sure there's something for all ages, eh?" "No." "Well, I'll give it a go." "How often do you have live shows performed in your front room, eh?" "Besides, there's nothing on TV." "Stuart, are you going to...?" "Yeah, but we've had this conversation already." "Yeah, but..." "Well, it's not a big deal." "Should we see the garden?" "Yes!" "Are you sure you don't want a glass of wine?" "No, I'm cool." "Good." "Very focused." "Professional." "I like it." "She's gone to sleep." "I'm quite pissed." "I love it." "That's my plan." "Get everyone drunk so no-one notices Tom's cooking." "Did you hear that, Tom?" "Of course." "I have super hearing." "Are you not outraged by this slight on your culinary ability?" "No." "I told him to get everyone drunk." "I'm a terrible cook." "(DAN) I don't believe you." "Trust me, I've got a super sense of taste as well, and I wish I didn't." "Right." "Will, I wonder, would you mind serving for me, darling?" "Certainly...darling." "April first, I reckon." "Oh, thanks very much." "Well, this looks great." "Does it?" "Well, no." "But it looks more than usual, and that makes it look great." "Here you are, mate." "Cheers." "It's a feast!" "I won't be able to move for weeks." "I'd like to propose a toast." "To surviving!" "(ALL) Surviving!" "What will you do next?" "What do you mean?" "After this." "After what?" "After you've...you know, given up the children's entertaining, what next?" "Stuart, I really want to do this." "Oh, come on." "I mean, you always say that, but then it turns out to be not quite right and then you leave." "I don't think that's fair!" "Look..." "Claire's your friend, yeah?" "Yeah." "And you're taking advantage of her." "I don't see it like that." "Oh, come on." "You're using Olive as your guinea pig." ""Guinea pig"?" "That's a bit much, isn't it?" "DOORBELL RINGS" "It's not fair on Olive." "Neither was naming her after a salty snack." "(CARRIE) Any more home brew left?" "Yeah, there's a bit." "Excellent!" "Let's get wasted!" "I think we should all do a turn or a party trick." "What?" "No!" "Let's not do that." "No." "Yeah, I love it!" "Right, who's up first?" "I'll go first." "I just want to say that you're all like a family to me, and the time that I've spent here with you... (WILL) Boo!" "(TOM) Boring!" "Boring!" "We hate you!" "Oh, no." "Too far!" "You've gone too far!" "APPLAUSE Yeah!" "Ladies and gentlemen." "For one night and for one night only, I present to you all... the world's worst cancan." "(HUMMING CANCAN TUNE)" "Hey!" "Whoo!" "Yeah." "Incredible...incredible." "Thank you." "I don't quite know what happened... but, er, I expect it was all right." "Hmm." "It's her birthday." "Yeah." "I do know that." "Yeah, well, birthdays are a pretty big deal when you're that age." "Yeah." "The big ones are 18, 21, 30, 40 and five." "People say that." "Look." "When I was five, my parents invited all the kids up and down my street to my birthday party, and I hid under the stairs and cried my eyes out until they went away." "Why?" "I don't know." "Maybe because I didn't like the twins from number 17." "Or maybe it was because things weren't precisely, completely, exactly the way I wanted them to be, because I was five." "Or maybe you had special needs." "You see, the thing is, Carrie, when you get to my age, it doesn't matter what happens on your birthday." "You don't give a shit." "As long as your loved ones don't die and you don't get diagnosed with bum cancer, it's happy days." "Right." "It's different when you're five, yeah?" "You can't say to a five year old," ""Oh, don't worry, it'll be better next year."" "Next year doesn't exist to a five year old." "It's an eternity away." "It may as well be a quarter of a century to a five year old." "No, you're right." "Birthdays are massively important." "I mean, you had that negative experience when you were five and it screwed you up for life." "I didn't say that!" "I mean, it stopped you going to Cambridge, didn't it?" "What a..." "Oh, I..." "It's my fault I'm bright now, is it?" "Stopped you buying this house, setting up that company, winning all those awards for web design." "Really ruined your life, that did." "Look, just don't mess up her birthday is all I'm saying, all right?" "I understand." "I'm no Cambridge graduate, but I think I understood." "Nearly ready?" "Sorry, but..." "No." "No." "Thanks for the pep talk." "OK?" "Yeah." "Just going upstairs to put my make-up on." "Have you said?" "It'll be fine." "I think you should." "I don't think I should." "Don't raise your voice." "I'm not raising..." "I'm bloody whispering." "It's all going really well so far." "You see... ..the thing about new challenges is..." "The secret is to forget who you were before." "It worked for Brenda of the Pennines, did it not?" "MOBILE VIBRATES" "Dan was...is..." "He's not dead yet." "Should keep him in present tense." "How is he?" "Do you know?" "Hello, sweetie." "Have you had a good time?" "Wipe your feet now, and go through to the lounge." "Yay-hey!" "Wipe them." "Good girl. .." "Hello." "VOICES DOWNSTAIRS" "Stab your back." "Stab your back. (SHOUTING) Stab your back!" "(SNIGGERING)" "Wahey!" "Wahey!" "Thank you!" "Great." "Who hasn't been up yet?" "No." "Everyone's had a go." "Let's do something else." "It's Carrie's turn." "I..." "I haven't got any party tricks, guys." "Come on." "We all had to do it." "You've got to do it." "Come on!" "Come on." "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "Come on." "Where's the Carrie I know and love?" "Well, sort of love." "Well, that's OK, because I can have another go and tell you all about how lovely I think you all are." "(MEN) Boo!" "(MEN) Boo!" "Thank you, guys." "(WILL) Well, we love you." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Claire!" "Claire!" "DOORBELL RINGS AND KNOCKING" "(I'll get it.)" "Darren?" "!" "Darren?" "!" "Hello!" "It's a small world!" "I mean, coincidence." "What?" "I don't get it." "I'm confused." "You are here to judge me?" "What's going on?" "Are you a judge?" "No." "No." "Are you dressed as a clown?" "I suppose you are a clown..." "Well, I'm..." "To tell the truth, I'm not sure what's... what's going on." "Um... what's going on." "Um..." "What do you mean?" "Well, I'm here to do a show." "Well, I'm here to do a show." "But I'm here to do my show." "Oh." "Don't worry, don't worry, it's not a mix-up." "Let me guess." "Mr Giggles?" "No, it's Darren." "Call me Darren." "What do you mean it's not a mix-up?" "There's two clowns here." "That's one clown too many." "There's two clowns here." "That's one clown too many." "Well, well, I..." "I thought we'd... push the boat out, give the kids two shows." "I know it's a recession and it's crazy and..." "But...well, what's the most important thing in a recession, eh?" "Laughter." "It's the sound of children's laughter." "Look, I booked Darren ages ago, and then I found out" "Claire wanted you to do it." "When were you booked?" "MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES" "Now is not a good time, Dan." "Could you please fuck off?" "When were you booked, Mr Giggles?" "It's at times like this I wish magic was real." "You know, produce some flowers and make yourself disappear." "Yesterday." "I didn't know someone else was booked." "Thanks, mate(!" ")" "Thanks, mate(!" ") Sorry." "Though why I'm apologising to you, I'm not sure." "You really thought I couldn't do it, didn't you?" "You really thought I couldn't do it, didn't you?" "Did you really think you could?" "I thought we were friends." "I thought we were friends." "(CLAIRE) We are friends." "Well, we're all friends." "I'm..." "I'm just a colleague." "He booked another clown." "He booked another clown." "No.Webooked another clown." "And if we'd known you were such a miserable bunch, we wouldn't have bothered - could have stuck in a DVD." "we wouldn't have bothered - could have stuck in a DVD." "It was Stuart's fault." "Sort of." "Oh, well, it was sort of mine as well." "It's just... well, birthdays are so important." "I remember my seventh birthday." "My mum and dad took me..." "Claire, Claire, Claire." "I've already done that speech." "I'm going to get my shit together." "Oh, wait a minute!" "Does that mean she's doing it or she's not doing it?" "I know what my money's on." "I don't know." "I'm just a colleague." "Well, this is a nice, cheery atmosphere you've created for the kiddies(!" ")" "Well, I'm sure you can fix that, Mr Giggles." "It's Darren." "What are you doing up so early?" "I'm ready to go." "Oh!" "My last run." "I'm going to take it nice and slow." "(IMITATES CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME)" "Message in a bottle." "It's a bit corny, isn't it?" "But, you know, I am on a desert island, so fuck you." "Aren't you going to throw it in the sea?" "No." "The message is for the island." "Carrie, what are you doing?" "You can't just go." "Why not?" "That's what you thought I'd do." "Look, let's just talk about this." "Look, let's just talk about this." "Where are my balloons?" "Look, Carrie, come on." "Please." "Why did you do it?" "It's humiliating." "Because I know you." "You get all enthusiastic about something, and then as soon as it turns into a commitment, you bail out." "Oh, Carrie!" "Yaaay!" "You're doing it now." "You do it with jobs, you do it with boys, you do it with friends." "You even bailed out of being my bridesmaid." "You even bailed out of being my bridesmaid." "That was seven years ago." "Oh...!" "Carrie." "Carrie." "Oh, what's this?" "Nellie the elephant packing her trunk and saying goodbye to the...?" "Don't even get me started on you." "I can't find my make-up bag." "You always run away." "From everything." "Maybe it's the height thing." "Yeah." "It's the height thing." "It's because I was never allowed on the scary rides." "I never conquered my fear factor." "You are my friend, so if you think you can do this..." "You didn't think I could." "You didn't think I could." "No." "I thought you could." "I even thought you might be good at it." "I just didn't think you'd do it." "We shouldn't have booked anyone else." "It's just, well..." "I thought you'd run away." "And I know why you do it - because you're insecure." "But you know what?" "That's not my fault." "And you know what else?" "I'm bored of it." "Really, really bored." "(DARREN) Sorry, I'm just struggling to find a mirror." "(WILL) Right." "OK, guys." "Group hug." "You what?" "I'm serious." "Come on, group hug." "Come on, then." "(APRIL) I don't want to go." "Don't make me go." "I love it here." "I love it." "Oh, it's all right." "We can come back... for a day trip." "I've got loads of pebbles in my pocket." "Pathetic, isn't it?" "I've done that, too." "Me, too." "(WILL) Yeah, I've got one as well." "(TOM) Um, OK, actually..." "Let's hope we don't get busted by customs." "Catch." "I've never been so glad to see concrete." "We've fucking done it, everyone." "And no-one died." "Even though we did toy with the idea of cannibalism." "(TOM) I ate my own penis at one point." "Mind you, that's nothing I wouldn't do at home." "It's the yoga." "I have a very flexible back." "Back to reality." "Mmm." "I want a chippy." "I want a chippy." "I fancy a slap-up lunch now." "Oh, yes!" "Steak and chips twice, please." "And a creme brulee." "Morning." "(TOM) I don't care what I eat, but I would like it to be in nugget form." "We're being stared at, aren't we?" "Mm-hm." "Mm-hm." "Yes." "It's good to be back." "To be fair, it's not every day you see a disabled version of Reservoir Dogs walking down the street." "Hey!" "Shall we give these townies a bit of a show?" "Really spaz out for them?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "I'm in." "(WILL) Direct action." "Right up my street." "April?" "Abso-fucking-lutely." "(TOM) All right." "On three." "One, two, three." "(ALL GROAN)" "Hello!" "(CHILDREN) Hello!" "I, er..." "What do you call..." "What do you call, um..." "I went to the zoo the other..." "Are you a dwarf?" "Yes, I am." "Which means... ..I know something you know." "I know big people." "Aren't big people rubbish?" "Yeah!" "Um..." "Why are big people rubbish?" "Er..." "Yeah?" "Because they eat all the biscuits." "And they don't give you what you want." "And they don't let you stay up late when you want to." "My dad and my mum and my brothers keep on making me as their slave." "Do they?" "Keeping you as a slave?" "Well, this has got to stop." "I'll tell you why I think big people are rubbish." "When they fall over, they can smash your house and break your furniture" "and smash your windows and roll over on you on the sofa and squash you." "And when big people are talking, they're talking up there, and they can't hear us down here." "So the only way to get their attention is to hit them, or to put a doorbell on their leg." "Ding-dong!" "Can you all say "ding-dong"?" "(ALL) Ding-dong!" "And when a big person farts, it's a really big fart." "Help!" "I'm being blown away by a really big fart." "Help!" "Help!" "Hold on to me, Olive!" "Olive." "It's your birthday." "Come up the front." "Sorry to interrupt." "It's just, not to put too fine a point on it," "I do need to be paid." "actually done anything." "No, but I turned up." "Yeah, but you live here." "It's your house." "I could have been doing another job." "to go to?" "That's not relevant." "Just pay him, Stuart." "You booked him." "We booked..." "We booked him." "Are you ready?" "Are you aiming?" "Now, when I say "small fart", what are you going to do, Olive?" "Erm..." "I'll do a small fart." "And what does it look like?" "And with the noise, please." "Pffrt." "Pffrt." "What are you guys going to do?" "You're gonna go, "Oh!"" "(CHILDREN) Ooh!" "And maybe, maybe wave your hand over your bottom just a little bit, just as if to apologise for it." "Diffuse the fumes." "That's excellent. (CHILDREN) Ooh-ooh!" "What does a big fart look like, Olive?" "Pffrrt!" "(CHEERING)" "Right." "That's a big fart." "Oh, exactly." "It's a windy one." "You'd better hold on to someone." "Ready, fartologist?" "Yes." "OK." "Agghhhh...!" "It's a tornado!" "Give me your arm!" "(YELLING)" "Hello, sweetie." "Are you having a good time?" "She wants us to come and watch." "Come on." "After you." "You guys, all listening to my fartologist up the front?" "Are you ready to show me the biggest reaction to a big fart and the biggest reaction to a small fart?" "Ready?" "Small fart." "One, two, three, go." "Pffrt!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "(WHISPERS) I think we should do a big one." "One, two, three... (SHOUTS) ..big fart!" "Agghhh..." "Quick, hold on to somebody." "Agghh!" "I'm getting blown away." "And big people tell you that you're naughty and try to put you on the naughty step." "But big people can be really horrible, selfish and mean." "Shall we tell the big people off?" "Yeah!" "You're really naughty and bad!" "Shame on you!" "(ALL) You're really naughty and bad!" "Shame on you!" "Right." "I've got party bags for everyone." "OK." "Who's first?" "It's you..." "Well, you're the birthday girl." "That's my pleasure." "You've not got one..." "You need one..." "Ah, thank you." "That was...brilliant." "I've got five invitations to go round and watch In The Night Garden with them sometime, and one six-year-old boy invited me out for a milkshake!" "I think they think I'm their age." "I think that's something I'll never have." "Oh, that was interesting." "But Olive loved it." "Thanks for doing it." "What?" "I didn't like it." "But they obviously did." "So...you've finally... found something you're good at." "I'm going to go outside, get some air." "I'm knackered." "Right." "Well..." "I should probably make a move." "All right, then." "If we could, um...if we could settle up, that'd be good." "No." "No." "I'll send you an invoice." "Thanks..." "Bye." "Bye." "(CRYING)" "What did you think?" "It was all right, wasn't it?" "Did you think that was OK?" "It was, wasn't it?" "Why do I feel like such a...?" "It was just a kids' party." "(SIGHS) I'm such a freak." "You came!" "Course I came." "Hi." "Hi." "I've been such a..." "Yeah...you have." "Whoops!" "This isn't very comfortable, is it?" "No." "It's nice, though." "Yeah." "It's nice." "What do I think the others are doing?" "I think Gabby's..." "Gabby's in the Priory?" "I think Tom bought a horse, joined a hunt and is now into blood sports." "Carrie is involved in porn." "Erm, she's in a DVD called Dwarf Tossing III..." "A Little Love Goes A Long Way." "Dan's probably one of those wheelchair detectives, like Ironside or... the other ones." "There's only one, isn't there?" "Will's recruiting a secret army on the internet." "His disabled terrorist organisation Flid-Qaeda are planning on blowing up the Angel of the North because its massive arms are mocking them." "I thought of that one in advance." "April brutally murdered 18 hippies." "She's now in prison where she's known as Momma Nasty." "No-one messes with her." "Dan?" "He's probably still pining for Carrie."