"(soft orchestral music playing)" "¶" "¶" "¶" "(booming explosion)" "(distant screaming)" "(panicked shouting)" "(sirens wailing, horns honking)" "¶" "(sirens wailing, car horn honks)" "(high-pitched ringing)" "(muffled)" "ARCHER:" "Mawp." "Mawp." "Mawp!" "(groans)" "Was that a flashbang?" "MALORY:" "Sterling?" "ARCHER:" "Mawp?" "Ow!" "MALORY:" "Dosomething." "ARCHER:" "What?" "I brought roses." "Jesus, Mother, it's just your birthday, not the..." "MALORY:" "Aboutthat!" "ARCHER:" "Oh." "Duh." "LANA:" "Archer!" "ARCHER:( gasps)Lana!" "LANA( mocking):" Lana!"Ugh." "(slurping)" "Not her birthday." "ARCHER:" "Ah!" "(grunts)" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "No,move!" "Get away from us!" "PAM:" "Yeah,they'reshooting at you!" "ARCHER:" "Who?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "The storm-ninjas!" "ARCHER:" "What?" "That's not a thing, idiot!" "Oh." "I stand corrected." "LANA:" "Sonof a...!" "Bitches, I am pregnant!" "CYRIL:" "Yes!" "(laughs)" "Who could forget?" "With the bastard spawn of a total stranger." "LANA:" "Okay,firstofall..." "Cover your eyes and ears!" "CYRIL:" "You'renotthe boss of me!" "(explosion)" "(high-pitched ringing)" "CYRIL:" "Meep?" "Meep?" "(laughs)" "LANA:" "What'sthat,Beaker?" "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God,isBeaker not the best?" "Meep, meep, meep!" "And wait, what's his, uh... the name of..." "Brett!" "BRETT:" "No,no ,no ,leave me alone!" "ARCHER:" "Shutup ." "Who's Beaker's boss?" "BRETT:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Beaker'sboss." "BRETT:" "Goddamnit ,Ican 't hear..." "ARCHER:" "Brett?" "Well, he died doing what he loved." "Getting shot." "CYRIL:" "Meep." "Meep." "LANA:" "Archer!" "Whothe hell..." "ARCHER:" "Shutup ,it 'son the tip of my tongue!" "LANA:" "Whatis ?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Beaker'sboss!" "LANA:" "What?" "GILLETTE:" "Shemeantwho the  hell are these guys, you big dumb idiot asshole!" "ARCHER:" "Saidtheguy in" "GILLETTE:" "Whatthe...?" "ARCHER:" "I justfrickin'got  here, Ray!" "How the hell should I..." "No..." "LANA:" "No,no ,no ,no , no, no..." "CYRIL:" "What,what'reyou ...?" "Oh." "GILLETTE:" "Oh,boy." "AGENT:" "FBI!" "Nobody move!" "FBI!" "(Malory sighs wearily)" "MALORY:" "Secondworstbirthday ever." "ARCHER:" "What?" "How is this better than your second fake 50th?" "HOLLY:" "Oh,comeon, guys, we talked about this!" "You're supposed to yell" ""FBI" at the beginning." "After the flashbangs, but before Other Fat Mike gets shot." "AGENT:" "Ow." "HOLLY:" "Andwhathappened with getting "FBI"" "on the fronts of the uniforms, huh?" "AGENT:" "Ow!" "ARCHER:" "Uh,whathappened with since when the hell does the frickin' FBI get off..." "HOLLY:" "SterlingArcher?" "ARCHER:" "Yes!" "What?" "!" "HOLLY:" "I 'mSpecialAgentin" "Charge Holly, and you are extremely under arrest." "ARCHER:( laughs)Forwhat?" "HOLLY:" "Uh,in additionto the attempted murder of a federal agent?" "ARCHER:" "Yes." "HOLLY:" "Well,there'sgonnabe just a whole bunch of charges, but mostly treason." "ARCHER:" "Treason?" "LANA:" "What?" "Archer, what'd you do?" "HOLLY:" "No,no ,notjusthim." "You, too, Miss Kane." "HOLLY:" "Yeah." "Everybody." "Especially you, Ms. Archer." "LANA:" "Isthisaboutthefake hydrogen bomb?" "HOLLY:" "No,butlet 'sput  a pin in that." "This is about conducting espionage operations, for years, with no authority or permission whatsoever, from the United States government." "(Lana gasps)" "ARCHER:" "Wait,what?" "Mother!" "LANA:" "Like,50 timesIasked" "MALORY:" "Andlike50times" "I lied." "Sue me." "I want my phone call." "AGENT( overradio):" "Uh ,sir?" "It's like you said, he's dug in there like a tick, and..." "KRIEGER( overradio):" "Never!" "You'll never take me alive!" "(Holly sighs wearily)" "HOLLY:" "Okay,breachit." "AGENT:" "Rogerthat." "(explosion)" "KRIEGER:" "Onsecondthought," "I very much prefer to be taken alive." "Just let me clear the ol' browser history and..." "No, no, no, no, no... oof!" "Oh, come on!" "HOLOGRAM:" "Ooh,G-man-san." "ARCHER:" "I 'mserious,youare  not putting those on me." "HOLLY:" "Mr.Archer,please turn around and place your hands behind your back." "ARCHER:( laughs)Orwhat?" "What are you gonna do, taser... (Archer gibbering)" "(Archer sputters)" "(Cheryl/Carol gasps)" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Dome !" "Do me !" "Do me, do me, do me!" "HOLLY:" "I 'mnottaseringyou , so just..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Dome !" "(Holly grunts)" "(taser clicking," "Cheryl/Carol groaning)" "(Cheryl/Carol sighs)" "Thank you." "MALORY:" "Ugh." "Our tax dollars hard at work." "(laughing):" "Well, not mine, obviously, but..." "HOLLY:" "What'sthat?" "MALORY:" "Damnit ." "ARCHER:" "Whatever,Cyril." "I don't care who you are, when you get zapped with 50,000 volts, it's like, like..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Sploosh." "And then it's like wave after wave crashing over you, into you, and..." "ARCHER:" "Willyoushutup?" "PAM:" "Youshutup." "Let her talk." "ARCHER:" "Youshutup!" "PAM:" "Makeme !" "(shouting, grunting)" "(Malory whistles loudly)" "ALL:" "Ow!" "Ow !" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Jesus!" "MALORY:" "Allof you." "Shut your various holes and listen to me very carefully." "CYRIL:" "Why,so youcan tell us more lies?" "KRIEGER:" "Yeah." "(all muttering)" "MALORY:" "SoIcan saveyou from life in prison!" "Sorry, Ramona, I know to you it's just one big sexy briar patch, but..." "GILLETTE:" "Youknow..." "MALORY:" "Zipit !" "That goes for all of you!" "And when we get in there, you keep it zipped." "Because there's a chance I can make this all go away, but only if you people don't try to save your own necks by ratting out everyone else!" "(all muttering)" "MALORY:" "Damnit ,trustme!" "And say nothing!" "You heard me, J. Edna." "LANA:" "Notoneword." "ARCHER:" "Well,exceptfor  those three." "And then those five." "And..." "LANA:" "Archer!" "ARCHER:" "Thenthatone ." "CYRIL:" "I reallyshouldn't" "I mean, unless you can guarantee me..." "GILLETTE:" "Totalimmunity." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "AndImeanfrom  everything." "GILLETTE:" "Includinganything you find on my computer." "Or in my crawlspace." "PAM:" "Oh,andthrowabone into me." "AGENT2 :" "Excuseme ?" "GILLETTE:" "I saidMs.Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for, like, 30 years." "CHERYL/CAROL( laughs):" "Yeah, until he got blown up." "Which was actually my fault." "CYRIL:" "Becauseshewas busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg, who then became the new head of the KGB." "KRIEGER:" "UntilIbuilta sexier one out of illegal" "Soviet parts." "And a corpse." "PAM:" "Therewasnoshortageof dead bodies around ISIS." "GILLETTE:" "Oneof which belonged to the prime minister" "CYRIL:" "Oh,Jesus,Iforgot about the..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Giantpotfarm in West Virginia." "PAM:" "Andthiswholeother thing with the Yakuza." "GILLETTE:" "IrishMob." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Piracy." "CYRIL:" "Whiteslavery." "PAM:" "No,actualpiracy." "With, like, boats." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I wantto  say..." "Burt Reynolds?" "CYRIL:" "Poachingalligators..." "GILLETTE:" "Smuggling" "KRIEGER:" "Defilingacorpse..." "CYRIL:" "Defilingadifferent" "PAM:" "KidnappingthePope..." "CHERY/CAROL:( laughing)" "Faking my own kidnapping!" "Arson." "PAM:" "Bumfights!" "You know, like when you pay bums to..." "CYRIL:" "Destroyan oil pipeline in..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I wantto say" "Burt Reynolds." "CYRIL:..." "Turkmenistan?" "KRIEGER:" "Odessa." "You know, the ratlines?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Whereyoumake it look like a murder-suicide," "KRIEGER:" "Isit murderifthey  were my own clones?" "I'm seriously asking." "GILLETTE:" "Oh,because, speaking of sexual assault..." "PAM( munching):" "Whichtime?" "'Cause for one of 'em" "I got a pretty good excuse." "AGENT2 :" "CanIstopyou?" "Please?" "PAM:" "That'swhathesaid ." "(Pam clears throat)" "Inappropriate." "CYRIL:" "Geez,whenyou just list everything ISIS has done, it sounds kind of bad." "AGENT3 :" "Andso if Iwere you..." "ARCHER:" "You'dgetlaid" "AGENT3 :" "I 'dstarttalking." "Everybody else is!" "They're in there right now, saying he's the brains behind ISIS." "ARCHER:" "Exactly,I..." "Hey, screw you!" "LANA:" "Screwyou!" "Mr. My Mother's A Lying Bitch" "And I'm Too Stupid To Realize" "My Life's A Pathetic Joke!" "ARCHER:" "Oh,nicetomeet you," "Mrs. Hello My Kid's From A Sperm" "Bank Since I Can't Keep A Man" "Because In Addition To My" "Jillion Neuroses" "I Have A Weird-looking Vagina!" "(Lana gasps)" "(Archer and Lana grunting)" "AGENT3 :" "Okay,knockitoff." "Hey!" "(FBI Agents grunting)" "ARCHER:" "I can'tbelievethey fell for that." "LANA:" "Ahem." "Misswhat?" "ARCHER:" "Sorry,it-it'snot  that weird look..." "Lana!" "(gunshot)" "ARCHER:" "Thoughtyouwere gonna shoot me." "LANA:" "Day'snotover." "ARCHER:" "Andseriously,Lana, sorry for what I said." "Then that's where you say... (Archer yells)" "LANA:" "Good-bye,Archer." "ARCHER:" "Wheredo youthink you're going?" "LANA:" "Notto jailwithyou and your mother." "ARCHER:" "Well,youknow, we can ask the judge..." "LANA:" "Youknowprisons aren't co-ed, right?" "ARCHER:" "Oh." "Okay,wegot to get out of here." "LANA:" We"?" "Thereis no" ""we" anymore, Archer!" "Well, there's this we..." "ARCHER:" "Uh..." "LANA:" "Oh,shit." "ARCHER:" "Yeah." "You're gonna be a great mother." "LANA:" "I couldstartsmoking crack today, and he'd still turn out better than you." "ARCHER:" "Andwhyisthat ?" "Because I never had a father, Lana?" "So why don't you shut up, and then also marry me." "LANA:" "What?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I 'mserious-- we can go underground, get new identities, and spend the rest of our lives together, Lana." "We'll be a family." "You, me, the baby and your not-that-weird-looking vagina." "LANA:" "Okay,don'ttake this the wrong way... but I would rather lose the baby." "ARCHER:" "Wha..." "I..." "LANA:" "Okay,that-that wasn't..." "I didn't..." "ARCHER:" "Excuseme ." "(Lana sighs)" "(Archer laughing)" "ARCHER:" "JesusChrist, come on, you idiot." "(Lana grunts)" "CYRIL:" Ihavereadthis statement, each page of which bears my initials, and I do hereby certify..."" "PAM:" Thatthefactsherein are true and correct, signed Pamela Poovey."" "CYRIL:" CyrilFiggis."" "RAY:" RaymondQ.Gillette."" "KRIEGER:" AlgernopKrieger."" "CHERYL/CAROL:" Cheryland/or" "Carol Tunt."" "Now, I would like a ride home, please." "Preferably in an Apache helicopter." "PAM:" "AndIbelievethere was some mention of throwing a bone into me?" "FBIAGENT2:" "Whatare you  talking about?" "PAM:" "A penisin my vagina." "Or wherever, but come on, chop-chop," "I got to go start enjoying my immunity." "(FBI Agent 2 laughs)" "FBIAGENT2:" "Yeah,you said immunity." "I didn't." "RAY:" "Dukes!" "CYRIL:" "God!" "KRIEGER:" "Damnit !" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Sois thata" ""no" on the Apache, or...?" "(knocking)" "FBIAGENT4:" "Oh ,my God, okay, so this ditz..." "Oh." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Nowwho'sthe  ditz, huh?" "LANA:" "Wouldyoujustcome on?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I 'mseriously asking." "PAM:" "Aw,butlookathim." "All tied up like a sexy little Christmas ham." "CYRIL:" "AndcanIjust go on record as saying" "I think this is an extremely bad idea?" "LANA:" "Youknowwhat'sabad  idea?" "Prison." "ARCHER:" "Because,spoiler alert, they're unisex." "PAM:" "Hello,bestpart." "HOLLY:" "Yeah?" "ARCHER:" "Uh,uh ..." "CHERYL/CAROL( oldlady voice):" "Oh, Clyde?" "Clyde, is that you?" "It's me, dear," "Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother." "HOLLY:" "Um...it 'sopen." "Ma'am." "ARCHER:" "Nobodymove!" "Or..." "MALORY:" "Whatthehellare you doing?" "ARCHER:" "Gettingus out of here." "MALORY:" "I 'vealreadydone that." "Let him go." "And you'll just have to put that on my... whatever... crime tab." "HOLLY:" "No,no ,no ,no ,no ." "Taking a federal agent hostage is a separate charge." "MALORY:" "Oh,well,then perhaps we should get him back on the phone." "HOLLY:" "I ...that..." "I-I don't..." "There's no need to bother the..." "Eh, look." "If you'll just sign this form..." "MALORY:" "Doo,doo,doo ." ""In lieu of criminal prosecutions for..."" "Doo, doo, doo..." ""Treason, I hereby forfeit" "ISIS headquarters." "(all groaning)" "And also agree to permanently cease and desist any and all ISIS operations."" "(all gasping)" "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God." "HOLLY:" "Orfaceamandatory sentence of life in federal prison without parole." "ARCHER:" "Yougottobe kidding me." "MALORY:" Signed,Malory" "Archer."" "LANA:" "Oh,my God." "ARCHER:" "No,uh-uh,nope." "Because correct me if I'm wrong, but that entire document is completely unenforceable." "I correct you." "You are wrong." "MALORY:" "ForGod'ssake," "Sterling, it's the government." "Even if it weren't legal, they'd enforce it." "HOLLY:" "Hey,saveitforfour ninths of the Supreme Court." "MALORY:" "Oh,shutup." "And unless there's anything else?" "HOLLY:" "Uh,justthis, releasing the bureau from any claims relating to the death of your employee..." "Brett, uh, Bunson?" "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God!" "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Beaker'sboss!" "Bunsen frickin' Honeydew!" "Woooooo!" "(groans)" "That was figuratively killing me." "ARCHER:" "I can'tbelieve they're taking our building." "LANA:" "Screwthebuilding!" "What about our jobs?" "Oh, and our health insurance." "Which I'm pretty sure" "I'm gonna need." "KRIEGER:" "I 'llbeyourdoctor." "LANA:" "Well,if Iwant" "Hitler's DNA spliced into him," "I'll give you a call." "KRIEGER:" "Yeah,I'maround." "MALORY:" "Well,as forme, I think I'll start shopping my memoirs." "How does the title" "Secrets and Silk grab you?" "ARCHER:" "Tightlyby my  childhood's throat." "MALORY:" "Oh,you'rejust jealous." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Yeah,jealous of my fallback career." "PAM( laughing):" "Aswhat?" "An actual acorn?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "AsAmerica's number one country singer." "LANA:" "Andkudos." "But for the rest of us trapped in the realm of possibility..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I 'mgonnabe  bigger than Mac Davis." "And Mac Davis can totally suck it." "ARCHER:" "Andyoucan all suck it because I am gonna play professional lacrosse." "LANA:" "Okay,evenifthat were  a real thing..." "ARCHER:" "Isit not?" "LANA:...youareway too old ." "ARCHER:" "I amnot..." "Oh, my God." "I am way too old." "(cracks knuckles)" "PAM:" "Welp,hopeI'm not too  old to get back into underground fighting." "CYRIL:" "Darn." "All those jobs are awesome." "LANA:" "Andby awesomeyou  mean delusional." "CYRIL:" "Becauseit 'sgonna be hard to go back to an accounting firm after this job." "ARCHER:" "Especiallyafter" "Mother gives you a shitty reference." "Mother, do that." "CYRIL:" "I meantit 'llbe  boring." "Although, I guess" "I could always go back to being a defense attorney." "(all groaning)" "LANA:" "Whenwereyou evera lawyer?" "CYRIL:" "Lana,we hadlong talks about this." "How I went to night school to pass the CPA exam because I was so burned out defending scumbags as a public defender?" "Numerous..." "long talks." "LANA:" "Withme ?" "CYRIL:" "Oh,for... (Archer laughs)" "Well, don't come crying to me when that fatherless kid of yours buys a gun and steals a car, and he tries to run but he don't get far!" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Intheghetto where Mac Davis sucks it. ¶" "ARCHER:" "Areyoudone?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Areyoudone?" "!" "Again, seriously asking." "ARCHER:" "Yes." "So Iguesswe should talk about the elephant in the room." "Namely..." "What are we gonna do with literally, not figuratively, a ton of cocaine?" "MALORY:" "Well..." "LANA:" "Wha...?" "Oh ,comeon!" "ARCHER:" "What,Lana, we must be talking..." "CYRIL:" "Wholesale?" "Uh ,50 ,60  million?" "LANA( laughs):" "Wholesale." "So, what, we form a cartel?" "MALORY:" "Well,howhardcould it be?" "I mean..." "LANA:" "Don't." "MALORY:...ifMexicanscan  do it." "(ice clinks in glass)" "ARCHER:$ 50million,Lana." "We sell this and we're out." "I promise." "MALORY:" "Dr.Kriegerhas  devised a way to transport the cocaine undetected." "ARCHER:" "You'reprobablygonna want to try to minimize the sweating." "We're gonna go ahead and take the cocaine and the money." "MALORY:" "Whatdo youmean counterfeit?" "ARCHER:" "TheYakuza?" "MALORY:" "Amphetamines?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Well,Pamscrewed the Yakuza out of a million bucks of amphetamines, so now they're gonna cut her head off." "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Baby,please don't go ¶" "ARCHER:" "Getdown!" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Baby,please don't go ¶" "MALORY:" "Ron!" "ARCHER:" "Yeah,thisis actually a little harder than I thought." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "BecauseIdon 't fly." "ARCHER:" "So,you'veonlygot 24 hours to drive to Texas?" "(laughing)" "Did you tell anybody we were hauling a shitload of coke?" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Yeah,your girl done gone down to the county farm ¶" "Take me with you!" "Outlaw country!" "Woooooo!" "MAN:" "Honey,you'renumber14 nationwide." "ROYACUFF:" "Howboutabig ol' country welcome for Cherlene!" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ BeforeIbe your dog get you way down here" "Make you walk alone" "Baby, please don't go ¶" "Woooooo!" "SANTOS:" "Incredible." "I must meet this woman." "CYRIL:" "Well,whatdoyou think is gonna happen when three gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman who runs the entire Cali cartel?" "ARCHER:" "Wooohooohooohoooo!" "(man grunts)" "LANA:" "Areyousureyoucannot make love to me just once more?" "ARCHER:" "Notwithoutablood transfusion." "LANA:" "Verywell." "ARCHER:" "Ow!" "Ow !" "Ow !" "(yells)" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Baby,please don't go down to New Orleans" "You know I love you so" "Baby, please don't go ¶" "LANA:" "You'redoingthe exact thing you promised me you wouldn't!" "ARCHER:" "I waskidding." "(tiger growls)" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ BeforeIbe your dog" "Before I be your dog ¶" "SANTOS:" "Welcometo San" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ BeforeIbe your dog get you way down here" "And let you walk alone ¶" "CYRIL:" "So,couplethings." "ARCHER:" "Oh,goddamnit." "Did you fart in that?" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶You knowhow" "I feel right now?" "¶" "(grunting)" "¶ My baby's leaving" "(laughing)" "¶ On that midnight train" "(siren blaring)" "¶ And I'm crying" "CYRIL:" "Suppressingfire!" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Baby,please don't go ¶" "ARCHER:" "Goddamnit ,Cyril!" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Baby,please don't go" "Baby, please don't go ¶" "HOLLY:" "You'rerunningout  of options, Archer." "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Baby,please don't go ¶" "SANTOS:" "I wantArcherdead!" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Baby,please don't go down to New Orleans" "You know I love you so" "Baby, please don't go ¶" "MALORY:" "I thinkyoujust stumbled backwards into a CIA arms deal." "(Cheryl/Carol screams)" "(explosion)" "RAY:" "TheykidnappedCherlene!" "LANA:" "Archer!" "PAM:" "Wejuststarteda frickin' coup!" "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ BeforeIbe your dog get you way down here" "Make you walk alone" "Baby, please don't go, yeah ¶" "LANA:" "Archer,my waterjust broke." "CHERYL/CAROL:¶ Allright now. ¶" "ARCHER:" "Andforwhatit's  worth, I'm pretty sure" "I just invaded Laos." "(woman speaking Vietnamese)" "And, Chi, I swear to God, mention the compass again and just see what happens." "(tiger roars)" "ARCHER:" "ArcherVice." "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Nothing." "Shut up." "Captioned by" "MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "MAN:" "Made...in Georgia."