"My name is Earl." "Joy and Darnell were out of Witness Protection and back in Camden... which meant me and Randy had a few things to fix from our time livin'in their trailer." "I ain't never seen anything like this before!" "It's everywhere." "It's not my fault the cops chased that guy in here or that he fought back." "Just scrub that guy off my wall, dummy." "Then go outside and pull down all that crime scene tape." "After years in hiding..." "Darnell was excited to surface again using his real name, Harry Monroe." "It's nice to finally get on the Internet again as Harry." "Man, have I got a lot of e-mails to return." "Don't get any ideas about going by Harry again." "Took me a long time to remember to say "Darnell" during sex... and I'm not startin' from scratch." "Mommy, I finished unpacking all your clothes and picked the bugs off of the flypaper." "Will space camp take me now?" "Unfortunately, they just called, baby... and said that future astronauts also have to wash Mama's dishes." "Hey, Dodge." "Are you going to Chaz Dalton's Space Academy?" "Me and Randy went when we were kids." "It's the awesomest camp of all time." "You know, Chaz Dalton went to outer space." "Plus, he walked on the moon." "And he was the first person to sneeze in space and survive." "Earl, why are you so gay for space?" "I'm not gay for space." "Yeah, he's gay for the men who went to space." "There's a difference." "I'm not gay for astronauts." "But if you had to be gay, you'd pick astronauts, and of all them, you'd pick Chaz." "Well, Randy had me there." "Chaz was a true hero, and he was on my list." "The week I spent at the Space Academy was the greatest week of my life." " Hey!" " Hey!" "At first I thought it was gonna suck like everything else my parents made me do." "But that all changed when I met Chaz Dalton." "Good morning, cadets." "I'm Chaz Dalton, and I've been to outer space." " Wow!" " That's awesome!" "This is the actual suit that I wore on my mission." "Camp was the first time..." "I'd ever been interested in learning about anything, and I was a good cadet" "You better pay attention, or I'll open your throat like a juice box!" "in my own way." "But I wanted to do more than just learn from Chaz Dalton." "I wanted to be Chaz Dalton." "For once in my life, I stole somethin'for a positive reason." "And I even planned on bringin'it back." "I felt like a real astronaut." "I was even weightless- at least between jumps." "I stayed up all night livin'my astronaut dream... and by mornin'that space suit was pretty dirty." "So I decided to wash it and return it to the Space Academy as clean as I'd stolen it." "Apparently, space suits are a match for space... but no match for a large, energy-inefficient '70s-era dryer." "I felt so bad about ruining'it..." "I never went back to finish camp." "Me and Randy hadn't been back to Space Academy since... and as soon as I walked in, I felt like a kid again." "Everybody be aware of where they are." "You have to admit, he wears 20 years well." "Man, I've never been this nervous about a list item before." "Do-Do you think American space heroes like chocolates?" " It's not too late to go buy doughnuts." " You know what?" "If you go back and forth on this one more time, I'm punching you." "Great work today, cadets." "America'd be proud of you fine men and women." "Now it's time for a potty break." "Even if you don't have to go, try." " Don't embarrass me." " Don't embarrass me!" "E" " E-Excuse me..." "Mr. Astronaut, sir." "Uh, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something... that happened here when I was a little boy." "I've never had children in the office unless the door was open." "Permanent policy." "No, no." "Wait, wait." "We used to go to camp here, and" "I stole your space suit." "I told Chaz all about the list... and how I turned my life around... and about how sorry I was for what I'd done." "Anyway, I feel awful about what I did." "You're the only American hero I've ever shaken hands with... other than Ted Nugent." "But of all the bad things I've ever done" "I'm not gonna cry." "I'm just really sorry for what I did to your suit... and to you" " I'm gonna cry." " You don't have to make it up to me, Earl." "I forgive you." "It's enough that you finally told the truth." "Oh, my God." "You're still teaching me lessons." "Kids like you are the reason why I do this." "You know what fuels the space shuttle?" " Dreams." " Dreams." "I'm gonna get you that space suit." "Earl!" "I just found out there's a planet called" "Ura" "Ura" " Ura" "Wait." "I forgot." "I'll be right back." "You been on that computer a lot." "Nobody likes a black nerd, Darnell." "You know that's why I won't let EarlJunior get those prescription glasses." "Baby, I'm just on BuddyBook." "It's a social networking site that connects you with friends." "It's like what MySpace and Facebook used to be before all the old people ruined it." "Hear that?" "It means I got another friend request." " I'm up to 320." " 320 friends?" "Are you tryin' to get on the prom court or somethin'?" "I mean, why would you need that many friends?" "Everybody knows you only need two." "Poor friend to make you feel rich and a fat friend to make you feel skinny." "If you're lucky like me, you get both in one, like Eugenia." "Who's this old bag hangin' on you?" " That's Margaret Thatcher." " Mmm." "Well, at least I know you're not bangin' her." "Not anymore." "To find a new space suit for Chaz... me and Randy went to the nearest NASA field office." "And lucky for us, they validated parking." "I asked, and it seems like we don't sell space suits." "But I'm going to call another office." "Cape Kennedy is a little more loosey-goosey." "You can wait over there by the wall of astronauts." "Do you have aliens here?" "If you'll wait over there." "Thanks." "They definitely keep the aliens here, don't you think?" "Maybe." "It was a big issue in the election a few months ago." "Catalina wouldn't shut up about it." "Don't tell her I said this, but I don't think they should have the same rights as us." "Hey, look." "It's Chaz." "It was the right name... but that picture wasn't the Chaz I knew." "No, it's not." "Son of a bitch!" "Earl, that's not the dude from Camden." "I know." "I can't believe this guy, pretending to be a hero... gettin' kids all excited about space camp." "For God's sakes, Dodge's middle name is "Chaz. "" "You know what we gotta do, Randy?" "We gotta find the real Chaz and get some answers." "While we went to search for the real Chaz..." "Joy was making it easier for people to find her." "Once we get you BuddyBookin', you'll find out there's nothin' to be threatened by, baby." "Okay?" " Sex." " Love it." " Race?" " American." " Sexual orientation." " Reverse cowboy." " Occupation?" " Pimp." "No, wait." "Hustler." "No, wait." "Big baller." "You know what?" "Just put "mom. "" " Hometown?" " Your face." "That's funny, isn't it?" " Political views?" " Gop." " Favorite book." " Phone." "Okay." "That's it." "You're on BuddyBook." "See?" "It's not some big secret." "Now we just put out a friend request." "Once the people approve you, they'll show up in your friend list." "Oh, snap!" "There's a place to put a picture." "I'm gonna use the one of me posin' with that deer I ran over." "For 50 bucks and a ride to her boyfriend's house... that NASA lady gave us Chaz's address." "I don't know exactly what words I'm gonna use, but..." "I do know that he deserves to hear the truth." "'Cause what we're dealing with here, Randy, is a true American treasure." "That guy was an astronaut?" "So he doesn't look like one." "That's okay." "He's still an American hero." "Excuse me, Mr. Dalton?" "I got a religion and all the Bibles I need." "Earl, he thinks we'reJojoba Witnesses." "Now get off of my lawn!" "Look, there's a guy in Camden impersonating you." "He's been at it for years." "He's got a camp called the Chaz Dalton Space Academy." " What?" " I know." "It's terrible." "This good-for-nothing flimflam man has been lyin' to kids for years... tellin' 'em he's the real Chaz Dalton." "Is this guy makin' money off my name?" "Hell, yeah, he's been makin' money- on your glorious coattails." "Tons of it." "He drives a Saturn S.V.U. He's even got a credit card just for the gas station." "If you'll allow me to escort you to Camden... it'd be my honor to walk you into that impostor academy, that hall of lies... just to see that faker quake in his fake faker space boots." "Okay." "I'll go." "But I get to pick the radio station." "No deal!" "Earl, let's get out of here." "He'll ride in the back with your bag." "I was on my way to making a new friend... which was one more than Joy had." "My BuddyBook is broken." "Nobody responded to my friend request." "Yeah." "BuddyBook probably broke." "Best just to forget the whole thing." "Whatever." "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this." "All right." "Listen up, everybody." "Y'all been ignoring'my BuddyBook request, and I want some answers." "Pickle egg guy?" "Black cowboy?" "Fat dude's brother?" "I thought we were friends." "But none of y'all cowards are gonna answer me." "And TV's Tim Stack." "How long have we known each other?" "Joy, I didn't accept your friend request because you're mean." " And you commented on a photo of me and wrote..." ""Your face looks like it has syphilis. "" " That was a joke." " It's not a joke when you really have syphilis." "I finally made it back to Camden with my brother... and the guy I wished was my other brother." "And I was ready to see the fireworks fly." "Olly, oily, oxen fraud!" "I found the real Chaz Dalton." "Just take a good look, 'cause this is what a real American hero looks like." "Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!" "You scared, impostor Chaz?" " My name is Wayne." " Oh, is it Wayne?" "Or is Wayne another name you stole from an American hero... likeJohn Wayne or Wayne Newton or Dwayne Wayne?" "He's tellin' the truth." "Turns out Wayne worked with Chaz back at NASA." "Wayne wanted to be an astronaut more than anything... but he kept gettin'passed over 'cause he was born with female-sized lungs." "Oh, hey, Wayne!" "Hey." "Oh." "That throttle looks clean." "Listen, I wanted to ask you something." "You think you could maybe go to this park opening thing in Camden for me?" "I'll pay you 50 bucks." "I hate crowds." " Nobody's gonna believe I'm you." " Oh, Wayne." "People respect astronauts." "They don't know what we look like." "It's the helmets, you know." "Come on." "Give it a try." "If you're lucky, there might be some space groupies there." "Maybe even someJohn Glenn hasn't gotten to yet." "But doubtful." "And the next day Camden gathered a group of American heroes... to honor the late Paul Lynde... who had once stopped in town for a sandwich." "And then the space shuttle reaches the speed of 17,000 miles per hour." "Wow." "You're the greatest American hero I've ever met." "Sorry, Dad." "And Wayne pulled it off" "He was a hero among heroes." "I can't believe you did that." "You put the "ass" in astronaut." "You put the "not" in astronaut." "Zing!" "I'm sorry." "I, uh" "I" " I guess this place belongs to you." "Do you mind if I get the other half of my sandwich out of the fridge?" "I was gonna have that for din" "Never mind." " It better not have been a hero sandwich!" " Bye, Chaz." "The next mornin' I was so excited about announcing'... that a real astronaut was takin'over the academy." "Me and Randy even made a curtain out of comforters from the motel." "So, any of you kids allowed on BuddyBook?" "Good morning, campers." "We have a special surprise for you." "It's my pleasure to introduce a true American hero." "Get off of my lawn!" "I'm all right." "I can walk from here." "What the hell are you doin'?" "I just took some anxiety pills." "Well, anxiety pills smell a lot like scotch and Dentyne Ice." "Don't make me go back out there." "I'm not a real hero." "I'm also a fraud." "Turns out, Chaz wasn't exactly who I thought he was either." "He only got to be an astronaut... 'cause his dad was a senator who gave funding'to NASA." "And the other astronauts hated him for it." "Some people might have worked hard to prove themselves in that situation... but not Chaz." "All he cared about before takeoff was eatin'as much real food as possible." " # When I die and they lay me to rest #" " We have liftoff" "And after the shuttle finally launched..." "Chaz suddenly discovered he was claustrophobic... had motion sickness and was afraid ofheights." " # Goin'up to the spirit in the sky ##" " I don't like it!" "I don't like it!" "I'm not a hero." "I blew it." "They had to cut the mission short 'cause I threatened to kill myself." "I thought enough time had gone by... but when I thought of those little kids, I just" "I just couldn't do it." "But they look up to you." "I" " I can't let you break their hearts." "They don't look up to me." "There's Chaz Dalton, the man, and Chaz Dalton, the myth." "They look up to the myth." "This whole place is a myth!" "You know, I'm gonna go out there and tell 'em I'm shuttin' the camp down." "I mean, they're all paid up, right?" "Hey, kids!" "Camp's closing!" "There are no heroes!" "That's it!" "I knew what I was doin'wasn't right, but I was pissed." "Let go of me!" "I'm not gonna let those kids find out how bad it hurts when you lose your hero!" "And then you think you find your real hero... and it turns out he's not your real hero either!" " Are you crying?" " No." "Dealing with Chaz was gonna have to wait... because there was an entire room ofkids hoping'there was more to space camp... than watchin'a drunk astronaut battle with gravity." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Try to keep your thumb straight." "So me and Randy decided to try running'the space camp ourselves." "Unfortunately, we didn't know a lot about space" "Three, two, one, blastoff!" "or camp- or runnin'things." " All right, campers." "Helmets on." " # We had a lot ofluck on Venus #" "# We always had a ball on Mars #" "Hey, Earl." "Mine's really workin'." "I'm actually starting' to see space." "Hey, look." "There's Grandma." "Bags off." "Bags off." "Eventually, the kids caught on." "We tried our hardest, but sometimes your hardestjust sucks." " Show us how to walk on the moon." " Okay." "# Come on Let's go space truckin'#" "# Come on, come on ##" "That's not how you do it." "Chaz." "You show us." " Yeah!" "Please." " Chaz!" "I know I said I wouldn't come back, but I really do wanna get that half a sandwich." "Will you show us the right way to walk on the moon?" " Yeah, Chaz, please!" " Yeah." "Come on." "All right." "But then you have to leave." "Okay." "Everybody up." "Now remember, you never move too fast... and you look before you step... 'cause there's lots and lots of craters... and I think Alan Shepard left a few golf tees up there." "Do you think I could be an astronaut?" " Definitely, with some hard work." " What about me?" "I didn't like it, but I couldn't deny Wayne was good with the kids- and Randy." "I didn't know what to do." "Luckily, someone else did." "Chaz, can I have your autograph?" "I'd love to." "Kids, there's something I gotta tell you." "Go ahead." "Give it to 'em." "Believe it or not, me gettin'pissed... and throwin'Chaz in the closet was the best thing that could have happened." "He found a bunch ofboxes filled with thank-you letters." "There were hundreds ofkids who looked up to Chaz, just like I had." "Kids who might never grow up to be astronauts... but who Chaz had inspired." "Kids who'd learned to love science... kids who'd learned to love adventure... kids who'd learned to love chasing'their dreams." "And one creepy guy from Nathanville who wanted Chaz to have sex with his wife." "Every kid deserves an autograph from their hero." "Are you sure?" "You're good with people and with explaining stuff." "And you're fun." "Not all astronauts are." "Chaz realized that the myth of Chaz Dalton... was more important than the man." "'Cause the myth had inspired hundreds ofkids, and that was real." "So it worked out the camp would be both of their legacies." "Wayne Chaz was good at talkin'about stuff... and Chaz Chaz had access to all the real stuff, including another space suit... which meant I got to cross Chaz Dalton off my list." "# I'm a rocket man #" " # Rocket man #" " It turned out, pretending to be someone else... could help a lot of different people... even if it meant staying up all night making 351 fake profiles on BuddyBook." " Holden Caulfield, New York." " # And I think it's gonna be a long, long time #" " Occupation:" "Catcher." " # Till touchdown brings me round again to find #" "# I'm not the man they think I am at home #" "# Oh, no, no, no #" " # I'm a rocket man #" " Hot damn." "I did it." "Baby, I won BuddyBook!" "# Rocket man ##" "Yesterday, the only friend I had was you, but now I got 352." "That's more than Catalina, and most of hers are probably roommates." "That's great, baby." "I knew you could do it." "I don't remember this one woman who friended me... but she says she was my choir teacher in the third grade." "She kind oflooks familiar." "Bless her little Asian heart." "I'm gonna throw a sheep at her." "It goes to show, whether it's space heroes or computer net friends... sometimes a fake one works just as good as the real thing." "Joy wasn't the only one who got what she wanted." "Chaz made a phone call to NASA, and somebody finally made his first trip into space." " All systems are go." " Houston, we're totally awesome." "It may havejust been a simulator... but the feelin'was real."