"[ Wind Whistling ]" "[ Man ] Viewer beware." "You're in for a scare." "Goosebumps." "[ Boy ] How come Greg gets to go and I don't?" " Because you're a midget." " No one asked you." "All right, that's enough." "It's your turn to do the dishes, Matt." " I should be back from class around 10:00." " [ Girl ] No way!" "Goin' out with Reese after the hockey game." "Be back about 11:00." " Love you." " Okay." " Come on!" "I wanna go too." " It's a school night." " It's a school night for Greg." " Well, Greg's 17, and you're 12." " Greg, don't forget your coat." " I'm fine." " Greg, please." " All right." "Please keep it down." "[ Huffs ]" "[ Girl ] No way!" "That's awesome." " I'm sorry, honey." "I gotta make a call." " What?" " What's gonna happen now?" " How come she gets her own private line," " and I don't?" " Talk to me in three years." "[ Groans ] That's not fair." "Let me go to another room." "It's a zoo around here." "Hi, Deb." "Listen, I'm just leaving." "I'll be there in about five minutes." "Okay." "Bye-bye." " Mom?" " What is it, honey?" " I'm in a hurry." " I was wondering... if I can move my room to the attic." "Where'd you get that idea?" "Well, it's just my room's so small, and I'll get more privacy up in the attic." "No, honey." "Don't be ridiculous." "It's out of the question." " But why?" " I said no." "That's not fair." "How come I never get anything I want?" "Greg gets to stay out late." "Pam gets her own phone line." "Look, honey, I know it's frustrating, but you won't be 12 forever." "Pretty soon you'll be able to do everything your brother and sister are doing." "I don't wanna be 12." "I hate being the youngest." "Sorry." "That's the way it is." "That's reality, Matt." "If you want anything, ask your sister." "You know, being grown up isn't always so easy." " Be glad you're 12." " [ Door Closes ]" "Well, I'm not glad." "[ Grunts ]" "[ Pam Sighs, Laughs ]" "No way." "That's awesome." "What'd you say to him?" "[ Continues, Indistinct ]" "No way." "[ Continues, Indistinct ]" "Aaah!" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Thunderclap ]" "Hey, how's it goin'?" "You know somethin'?" "I don't care what anyone says." "I'm hangin' out here tonight." "Not old enough?" "Like what's gonna happen?" "Exactly." "Nothin'." ""That's reality, Matt."" "Reality" " Who needs it?" "I hate reality." "[ Thunderclap ]" "[ Yawning ]" "[ Mom's Voice ] You know, being grown up isn't always so easy." "Be glad you're 12." "Sorry." "That's the way it is." "[ Echoing ] That's reality, Matt." " Mom, can I use the phone?" " No." "It's not yours." "How come he gets his own private line and I don't?" "Talk to me when you make the all-star team." "Good morning, champ." "Mm-wah!" " Good game last night." " [ Phone Rings ]" " You don't have to rub it in." " What are you talking about?" "You played a great game." "It's for you." " For me?" " Isn't it always?" "Hello." "Yeah, this is Matt Amsterdam." "Endorse?" "Endorse what?" "You wanna put my picture on a cereal box?" "Quit calling the house." "No, I told you guys, all endorsement offers go through Matt's agent." " Come on." "Let's go." " What?" "Come on." "It's game time." "[ Man ] Truth is stranger than fiction." "[ Man #2 ] That's reality." " Nothing is so strange as fiction." " That's reality." " My agent's on the job." " That's reality." "Life is on a roll." " # That's reality # - # The only real truth is that of the mind #" "# So my body follow through with the-- # [ Continues, Indistinct ]" " What's all this hockey stuff?" " Oh, look, honey." "I know you're worried about the game tonight." "Sure, the Panthers are tough." "But when you're leading the league in goals, you're a target." "You've got to take the game to a higher level." " A higher level?" " One hundred and 10%, Matt." "You've gotta take it to 110%." "The whole city's counting on you." "For what?" "I don't even play hockey." "[ Whistle Blows ]" "Aaah!" " [ Matt Groans ]" " Come on!" "What's goin' on out there?" "Come on." "Get up out there." " Let's get some head's-up hockey." " Head's-up?" "I can't even skate." "[ Men Grunt ]" "Look at that guy out there." "I'll tell ya something." " Ten million dollars, and all of it-- - [ Groans ]" "I see you guys out there, you'll be sent down to the minors." " This is a mistake!" " [ Chattering ]" "Get goin' out there." "Don't be like that guy." "Looks like a little kid out there." " [ Groans ]" " Aw, geez." "Get away from me!" " Hey, watch it." " That's a hockey player?" " [ Groans ] - [ Groans ]" "[ Chattering ]" "Get me out of here!" " Slow down!" " [ Whistle Blowing ]" " [ Groans ]" " That one hurt." " Get up!" "Up!" " [ Groans ]" "[ Whistle Blows ]" " Okay." "On your feet." " [ Groans ]" "I'm not who you think I am." "I don't belong here." "You got that right, kid." "You don't belong here." "[ Chuckles ]" "[ Whistle Blows ]" " [ Groans ] - [ Groans ]" "Hey, get up." "Get up." "Guys, look at this guy." "Look at him." "Ten million dollars." "[ Gasps ]" "[ Screaming ]" "Look at this floater down here." "I'll tell ya something." "Hockey's goin' right down the tubes." "Get up!" "Get up!" " Whoa." " You'll never get away with it, kid." "They never learn." "Do they?" "Learn what?" "What'd I do?" "I'm not a pro hockey player, I'm a kid." " [ Both Laughing ]" " Excuse me, sir." "Do you know if my mother's still here?" "What's that he's saying?" "He wants his mommy?" "Your mommy?" " [ Laughing ] - [ Screaming ]" " [ Screaming Continues ] - [ Laughing Continues ]" " [ Laughing Continues ] - [ Whimpering ]" "No!" "[ Whimpering ]" "[ Shouting ]" "[ Shouting Continues ]" "[ Buzzer Sounds ]" "[ Shouting Continues ]" "Dr. Amsterdam." "There you are." "The rest of the surgical team is waiting for you." " We're all set, Doctor." " Here we go." " Doctor?" "I'm not a doctor." " You'll have to slip this on." "Quickly." "Oh." "Doctor, you're gonna have to take off your hockey skates." "I'll get the left foot." " There you go." " Quickly, Doctor." " The patient's fading." " There's been a mistake." "I'm not a doctor." "It's true." "You're a genius-- the most brilliant brain surgeon in the world." " Ready for surgery, Doctor." " Surgery?" "Yes, the president is under anesthesia..." " and ready to be operated on." " The president?" "Yes." "[ Chuckles ]" "As you can see, the growth... is in a particularly delicate area of the brain." "Now, if the operation is successful, the president will be perfectly fine." "But one small slip, and" "Please, Doctor." "The whole world's counting on you." "[ Whirring ]" "Go ahead, Doctor." "We're ready." "Start cutting." "[ Mom's Voice, Faint ] That's reality, Matt." " [ Whirring Continues ]" " Dr. Amsterdam, what are you waiting for?" "We have to operate now." "[ With Woman ] We must operate." "[ With Man ] Start the cutting now." "[ With Woman ] There's no more time." "Why won't you cut?" " [ Gasps ]" " Come with us." " Let's get him." " Aaah!" "[ Groans ]" " [ Groaning ] - [ Hissing ]" "What is this place?" "Where am I?" "Hello?" "Hello!" "Hello?" " Oh, thank heavens you're here." " [ Gasps ]" "You got here just in time." "What?" " We gotta work quickly." " What?" "Oh!" "[ Beeping ]" "Now, in 20 seconds, this bomb is gonna explode." " [ Beeping Continues ]" " Okay." "Which wire do I cut?" "I don't know." " Twelve seconds." " [ Gasps ]" " Come on." "Which wire?" " You got me." "I don't know about bombs." "[ Chuckling ] Now, that..." "that is Matt Amsterdam." "Moments away from getting blown to shreds, and he still has time for a joke." "Well, six seconds." " Which wire?" " I told you, I don't know about bombs." " I'm a kid!" " Yeah." "Funny." "Which wire?" "Come on." "Which wire?" " Cut them all!" " [ Explosion ]" "[ Groans ]" "[ Woman ] # Every time I see #" " # I can see you standing # - [ No Audible Dialogue ]" "# Right here by my side #" "# You've gotta be mine #" " [ No Audible Dialogue ] - # Every time you move #" "# In the way you move #" "# I can feel you movin' #" "# Right here by my side #" "[ Girl ] You're lucky to get her, Matt." "[ Man ] She's quite a girl, Matt." " [ Woman ] Congratulations, Matt." " [ Woman #2 ] Oh, it's the perfect couple." " Mom?" " I'm so proud of you." "[ Guests Chattering ]" " [ Gasps ]" " How dare you keep me waiting on our wedding day?" " What?" " Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today" " Ugh!" " ...holy matrimony." "[ Woman ] # Every time I see #" " # I see you standing #" " Hope you remembered the ring." "# Right here by my side #" "You won't get away this time." "[ Screaming ]" ""Supreme Court of the Unified Universe"?" " What the-- - [ Mom's Voice ] That's reality, Matt." " [ Coach ] He wants his mommy." " [ Man ] Come on." "Which wire?" "[ Woman ] Dr. Amsterdam, what are you waiting for?" " [ Man ] You don't belong here." " [ Coach ] Get up!" "Up!" "[ Grunting ] Let me in!" " [ Matt's Voice ] Not old enough?" " [ Coach ] Ten million dollars!" "Which wire?" "Come on." "Which wire?" " Let me in!" " That's reality, Matt." " That's a hockey player?" " How dare you keep me waiting on our wedding day?" " [ Voices Chattering ] - [ Man Laughing ]" " [ Mom's Voice ] I said no." " [ Laughter Continues ]" "How dare you keep me waiting?" " Come on." "Which wire?" " I said no." "I said no." "I said no." "I said no." "What do you guys want from me?" "We're the Reality Police, Matt." "We got ya now, punk." "You can't run." "Whoa!" " Who are you guys?" " What?" "You want our badge numbers?" "We told you, Matt." "We're the Reality Police." "No, I mean, what do you want with me?" "Where am I?" "He wants to know where he is." " [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]" "I'll tell you where you are." " You're in trouble." " [ Screaming ]" " [ Grunts ]" " Will the defendant please rise." " Defendant?" " You, Matthew Joseph Amsterdam, are charged with crimes against reality." "How do you plead?" " I don't know what you're talkin' about." " Silence!" "How do you plead?" "Well, not guilty." "I'll be the judge of that." "But I didn't do anything." "You weren't happy being the youngest in your family." "You didn't accept the way things were." " But" " Silence!" "Roll the videotape." "Reality" " Who needs it?" "I hate realty." "Reality" " Who needs it?" "I hate reality." "Is that you on that videotape?" " Yes, but" " Silence!" "You are hereby charged with violation... of subsection "C," paragraph seven... of the Universal Penal Code-- crimes against reality." "I promise I won't do it again." " I-I like my reality." " You should have thought of that before." "No, please." "I accept my reality." "It's not so bad." "It's too late." "Do you want to hear the decision?" " Yes." "I mean, no." " Silence!" "You are out of order." "Sit down." "For your crimes against reality, you are hereby found" " [ Gavel Raps ] - guilty!" " Guilty?" " Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "[ Laughing ]" "You are guilty!" "Guilty, guilty, guilty!" "Guilty, guilty, guilty!" "[ Laughing ] Guilty, guilty, guilty!" "Guilty." "[ Laughs ]" "Guilty!" " Get him - [ Mom ] Matt!" " [ Panting ]" " Oh, there you are." " Mom." " I thought I told you to stay out of there." "Come on down right now." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Have you been up there the whole time I was gone?" "I fell asleep." "And I had the worst dream." " Oh, hi, Mom." "Oh, it's just my mom." " It was horrible." "Everyone was trying to make me do things that were way too hard for a kid." "Didn't you even notice Matt was up in the attic the whole time I was gone?" " Uh, I guess not." " [ Exhales ]" "I don't know." "My brother was up in the attic." "And there were these men chasing me-- these men in black." " There's this really cute guy" " And then the reality judge sentenced me." "Mom?" "Are you listening to me?" "Yes, honey." "I'm sorry." "You had a bad dream." "Listen, Matt, I've been thinking." "Maybe you are old enough to move your room up into the attic." "If that's what you really want to do, it's okay with me." "Gosh." "I don't know." "I thought that's what you wanted." "Well, I did." "You know what?" "I think I'm gonna stay out of the attic from now on." " Okay, if that's what you want." " It is." "And you know what?" " What?" " Life is good just the way it is." "And I think I'm gonna go to bed in my own room now." "Hold on a second." "Didn't you leave some things up there?" "I guess." "Yeah." "Well, bring 'em down before you go to bed." "I don't wanna go back up there." "Hurry up." "And as for you, young lady" "[ Gasps ]" "It was just a dream, Matt." "It was just a dream." "Back to reality-- just good old boring reality." "[ Man ] Boring?" "Oh, Matt, the fun's just beginning." "[ Thunderclap ]" "[ Man Laughing ]" "Captioned by Grant Brown"