"I'm sorry, pal, there's no bar service until breakfast is finished." "Agh, shit." "(SIGHS)" "Oh, buenos dias." "You're heading out early?" "But then the early birds do catch the worms." "Anything's gotta be better than the shite you're serving in there." "(SIGHS)" "(GASPS) You've got to be joking?" "Lesley?" "Is this some kind of a joke?" " Les." "I beg your pardon?" " I'm Les, not Lesley." "I've been doing the job of three people lately, so I haven't even got time to wash my face of a morning, never mind set my wig and put my makeup on." " Well, some of us manage it." "I don't mean I wear a wig, I just mean..." "Oh, look, look at this sign." "Oh dear." "I knew I shouldn't have left it to Baby Jesus." " Well, exactly." "When I get..." "Baby Jesus?" " You know, the soft lad." "Jesus, in maintenance." "I thought we'd established his name was pronounced "Hejus"?" "Bless ya." "Well, his son, Jesus Junior, has been helping out a bit." "And you call him Baby Jesus?" " Well, yeah." "He is only nine." "You mean to say we have a nine-year-old child working part-time at the hotel?" " Well, not officially." "We had to bring someone in to show us how to work the new computer." "Get this sign redone, mop up that water, and send Baby Jesus packing before we all get closed down for child exploitation." "Ugh!" "Another day in paradise." "Sure." "(RATTLES DOORHANDLE)" "Well, here we are again, just you, me, and our beloved Benidorm." "Well, we said we'd be back, but I didn't realise it would be under these circumstances." "Oh, Donald, I do miss ya." "Are you there, boys?" " We're gonna have another death on our hands at this rate." "That mountain path is a health hazard." "I knew I should've worn flats." "Kenny, please." " What?" "A bit of respect for Jacqueline." "Oh, I'm sorry, Jacqueline." "It's just I'm more grazing sheep than mountain goat." " More moaning cow." "I do appreciate you boys coming up here with me." "Donald was so fond of both of you." "There was only one group of people he loved more than the gays, and that was the straights." "Lovely, I think." "I don't think we're gonna need this after all, Kenneth." "Yeah, I don't know why you dragged that enormous thing all the way up here." " Oh, I thought you wanted him to be here?" "Very funny(!" ") Come on, help me get this set up." "Donald's final wish was to be scattered all over Benidorm." "Do you really think he'd wanna be blown in your face?" " Well..." "Remember what happened when you brought Big Donna up here?" " Oh, that's true." " We don't want any accidents." "This is just a gentle, controlled breath of wind to send Donald gently billowing across the bay." "What did happen when you brought Big Donna out here?" "Donald and I came up here to scatter Big Donna's ashes." "Well, we got the wrong rocks, and then we ended up throwing someone's head over the cliff, but it wasn't Big Donna's." " Me and Liam ended up fishing it out of the sea." "Oh, I have missed this place." "Here you are, booking under the name of Dawson." "Two doubles and a twin room." "I'll be with you in a minute." "Sorry, it's just that one of the doubles, it's a deluxe room, and I need to know which one it is." " Right." "Let's have a look." "(COMPUTER KEYS CLICK)" "What did you say the name was?" " Dawson, and can you hurry up, please?" "I'm going as fast as I can, pal." " You're joking, aren't you?" "Any slower, you'd be doing backwards." " I beg your pardon?" "We made the booking, but then a few days later I called and I upgraded one of the double rooms separately, and I need to know which one it is, so can you hurry up?" " (CLEARS THROAT)" "Dad?" " Shit." "What the hell do you think you're playing at?" " Don't mention the deluxe room." "Don't mention what?" " Shut up." " Hang on a minute." "What are you doing tearing off and leaving us with all your bags?" "Why have you got three bags?" "We're only here for a week." "I can't understand how you manage with just one." "Clothes maketh the man, Sheron." "I'm not wearing t'same clobber every day." "(AMERICAN ACCENT) I've got all my things in one iddy biddy case, and if y'all don't like that, y'all can kiss my sweet potato pie." "(LAUGHS)" "Look, I've told you before, darling," "I can't understand you when you talk daft like that." " Oh, leave her alone." "Jodie, stop being silly." "Stupid is as stupid does." "Keep looking at me like that and I'm gonna bitch slap you from here to kingdom come." "What did she just say?" " She's just giddy from the coach ride." "Jodie, chill." " I'm thirsty." "We all are, love." "Can we check in, please?" "Three rooms under the name of Dawson." " No bother." "This gentleman here was just saying that one of the doubles..." " Forget it, it's all sorted." "I've sorted it." " You just said that you wanted " "Yeah, well, it's all right now, OK?" "Billy, why don't you go and get everybody set up by the pool and" "I'll sort these cases out." "It's the least I can do, innit, after leaving you with 'em." " No, you're all right." "We gonna get in t'rooms." " I don't really wanna lie by a pool in a pair of jeans." "Aye, where is the pool?" " That way, where is says "pool"." "Right, well, come on, everybody out." "Don't spoil the surprise I've got for you." "Oh, what surprise?" " When do we get the surprise?" "What are you doing?" " I'm just gonna find some shorts." "No, come on, out." "I said I'll sort this lot." "Go on, get in the sun." "Now then, which is the deluxe room?" "This one on the 15th floor." " Aye." "All the other rooms are on the tenth." "15th floor, nice one." "Thanks, pal." "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, you can't leave all these other cases here, pal." "Yeah, yeah, I'll be back." "Uh-uh." "Can I help you, pal?" " Oh, hello, mate." "Can you tell me who manager is here, please?" " Joyce Temple-Savage, but she's a bit busy today." "That's fine." "How long's she been here for?" " Four years." "Why?" " Brilliant." "Can you tell her that I'm here?" "I've got an interview to pull a few birds." "I mean a few pints." "Have you applied for a job here before?" " Me?" "No," "I've never been in this hotel in my life." "I've just got one of those faces." " You can say that again, pal." "Take a seat over there by the sign." "You're a star." "Nice haircut." "I usually have a chestnut bob, but it's in the wash." "Hello, boys." "You want to check in?" " Yes, please." "The surnames are Dyke and Ellis." " Those are our surnames." "One each, cos it's him and me." "Thanks." "Have you got your passport, son?" "Yeah." "You need them to get through the airport." "Tsk, give him your passport." " Oh, right." " (LAUGHS)" "Right, I've got you lads down for a twin room." "Yeah, we're on a bit of tight budget, unfortunately." "He's on a tight budget and I'm skint." " Right." "I tell you what." "Let's see if I can sneak yous two into a deluxe twin." "They're much bigger than the standard, give you lads a bit of breathing space." " Oh, wicked." "I've always thought size is quite important in the bedroom." " (LAUGHS)" " Yeah." "He ain't talking about his knob." "He means the room." "He knows I meant the room." " Oh, right." "Wicked." "It's just that he laughed, so I thought he might think you meant your knob." " Nah, nah." "Everything's cool, bruv, yeah?" " Yeah, sweet." "I'm sorry, boys, I haven't got a bigger room for tonight, but if you wanna check with me in a couple of days, I might be able to move you." "Right, there's your room keys, wristbands, tenth floor." "Brilliant." "Thanks very much." " Nay bother." "Oh, my God." "Check out the fit Spanish birds at one o'clock." "Why do we have to wait until one o'clock?" "Is it something to do with the time difference?" "My dearest Donald, so now is the time to say farewell." "Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me." "It's been such an adventure." "But you always said don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." "Oh, and in all the years we had together, you showed me a lot to smile about." "Remember, darling... (SNIFFS)" "(SOBS) ..this is just adios and never goodbye." "Ooh, hang on a minute." "I don't think we need it, Kenneth." " Now, look, do we want Donald sitting in a muddy puddle halfway down the mountain, or do we want him billowing gently across the bay?" " Billowing gently across the bay." " Exactly." "Bloody hell, I think it's rusted." " Oh, come here." "When was the last time you used this?" " I got it to inflate Roger." " I beg your pardon?" "A big inflatable man I used a couple of years ago." " Oh, dear God." " To advertise the salon." "Are you ready?" "Oh, for God's sake, mind your fingers." "(LOUD WHIRRING)" " Ooh, aagh!" "Argh!" " (CLATTERS)" " Oh, my God!" "Jacqueline!" "Argh!" " Jacqueline!" "Jacqueline, are you OK?" "!" "Yeah..." "Yeah, I'm OK." "Did he get off all right?" "(UPLIFTING SPANISH MUSIC)" "Oh, yeah, there he is." "Adios, Donald." "Adios." "Well, thank you." "Mr Bueno, this is a very impressive CV." "Yes, very impressive. (LAUGHS) It's not actually my CV, but I thought it might catch your attention." "I'm sorry, it's not your CV?" "Nah." "I downloaded it from the internet." "As a Doctor of Medicine, my CV would be highly inappropriate for bar work." "You're a doctor?" " Yes." "You're a doctor and you're looking for bar work?" " I'm afraid so." "My brother is a trained architect but he's currently working at the Rich Bitch Show Bar as a cocktail waitress called Tammy." "These are very difficult times of austerity we are living in." "I'm sorry, Dr Bueno, but I think you're vastly over-qualified for this job, and it wouldn't seem right employing a doctor to work behind a bar." "Have you never heard of people diversifying?" "Look at Dr Dre." "He now sells headphones for a living." "Hmm?" "Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about." "You don't understand." "I need this job." "Personally, I think you'd be much better suited, looking at..." " No, no." "I can do this job, hmm?" "Looking after drunk tourists?" "Mopping vomit?" "You don't think I've ever done this before?" "I was a doctor in Benidorm, for God's sake!" " Sorry, Dr Bueno, I think you'd better leave." "No, no, no, I can serve drinks, I can call the bingo." "Two fat ladies, clickety-click." "I can sing." "Give me a job." "I need a job!" "Huh?" "♪ A-ga-doo-doo-doo" "♪ Push pineapple, shake the tree" "♪ A-ga-doo-doo-doo" "♪ Push pineapple, black coffee" "♪ To the left, to the right" "♪ Jump up and down and to the knees" "♪ Come and dance every night and sing to the hula melody!" "♪" "Argh!" "Help!" "Somebody help!" "What's going on here, sunshine?" " Give me this job." " Who are you?" "Do you want him out?" " Yes, get him out!" " Right, come here, you." "♪ A-ga-doo-doo-doo..." " Come on." "♪ Push pineapple, black coffee... ♪" "I think I'll have a swim in my pants." " No, you won't." " I'll text him again." "What's the difference?" "They're still shorts, just boxer shorts." " I said no." "Would you like to be in a pool if your dad was swimming in his pants?" "There is a difference." "I change my pants." " Oi!" "This is ridiculous." "I'm going to the room." " You don't know where it is." " Why does your father always do this?" "Oh, always do what?" " Make life difficult." "♪ I'm walkin' on sunshine, whey-hey" "♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whey-hey!" "♪" "(LAUGHS) What about this, then, eh?" "It's not bad for day one, is it?" "What have you been doing?" " I've been getting changed." "You don't think I'm sitting down here in my slacks and jacket, do you?" "Dad, you told us to wait down here cos you had a surprise." "Well, what is it?" " Er, I forgot." "You forgot?" "Oh, yeah, that were it." "I've got a new hat." "Do you like it?" "Right, here's your keys." "Tenth floor, you're in 10-26, the kids are in 10-25." "Now I asked 'em if they'd move your cases but they didn't look too keen, so I'd check reception so see if they're still there, if I were you." "Right, time for a beer, I think." "Is he taking the piss?" " He's old, you know what he's like." " Yeah," "I do know what he's like - and it's got nothing to do with him being old." "Where's Jodie?" "Where's she gone?" "Jodie?" "Darling, please don't go near the pool without your armbands." "She's all right." " She's not, she can't swim." "Right, shall we get these cases while the clothes still fit our Jodie?" " Whey-hey, ladies and gentlemen," "Rob Dawson is on fire." " Yeah, I am in these bloody jeans." "Ohh." " Hey, you." "Just chill out, yeah?" "We're supposed to be on holiday." "I know were are." "I'm sorry, it's just..." "It's your dad, he winds me up." " Does he?" "I can't say I've noticed." "Come on, you know what hotel rooms do to me." "No, what do they do?" " They give me an uncontrollable urge to use a trouser press wearing nothing but a shower cap and a filthy grin." "Well, let's get in that room." "(CHUCKLES)" "You really should go to hospital." " I'm all right." "Oh, she's as strong as an ox, this one." "Kenneth's right." "I once pulled a Skoda Rapid across Newport Bridge dressed as a bottle of strawberry Yazoo." "I told you, she needs medical attention." "She's concussed." " It was all for charity." "And I'm sure I'd have got more than halfway if Big Donna hadn't been steering." " Sounds perfectly normal to me." "If you're absolutely sure you don't need a doctor?" "The only doctor she needs is Dr Kenneth and his magic scissors." "I'm gonna give you a free cut and blow-dry." " Oh, lovely." "I don't know about the pair of you, but I could do with a Screaming Orgasm." "Let me get some drinks first." "We can start planning your social life after I've done your hair." "Here's the keys to the salon." "Put the kettle on, I'll be there in five." "Morning, boys." "All right?" " What do you think, then?" "It's..." "It's like paradise." "(LAUGHS) Right, shall we grab a couple of sunbeds?" "You get the sunbeds, I'm gonna have a swim before the tide goes out." "Well, first of all, Mr, er...?" "Marcus." "My name's Marcus." "First of all, Marcus, I must thank you most sincerely for your help this morning." " What can I say?" "When I see a beautiful lady in distress" "I just switched to autopilot." "Oh, no, I meant you chucking that loony out that wanted the job." "Yeah, I know." " Sorry." "When you said "beautiful lady" I was a little confused" "I didn't mean to embarrass you." "I speak as I find." "Well..." "Yes, anyway, Um... (CLEARS THROAT)" "The thought of having you is most appealing, er, on our staff I mean." "But of course I am looking for an experienced man." "On the job..." "For the job..." "The job of barman." "Right, now, are you listening to me, Sergio?" "Que?" "You are now on the pool bar till two o'clock." "Go, go." "Ohh." "No, no, not go home, go to the pool bar." "The pool bar." "Take your coat off." "No mas jacketa." "Tsk." "Do you have a CV?" "Ah, I wrote down my contact details." " Ah." "Oh, other side." "Yes." "Do you have any experience working in the hotel industry, Mr, er...?" "Horney?" " Hornby." "Do you have any experience working in the hotel, Mr Horne..." "Hornby?" "I'm gonna be honest with you, Joyce." "May I call you Joyce?" "We're all one big happy family here, Marcus." "Where the hell do you think you're going, Sergio?" "!" "You're supposed to be behind the pool bar?" "!" "I know, I know, I no like it here." "I go back to Barcelona." "(EMBARRASSED GIGGLE) Please continue." "Oh, that's a Picasso, right?" "I doubt it." "It was three euros at the Chinese bazaar." "Yeah, that's Picasso's bird of peace." "Beautiful." "Where was I?" "Oh, yeah." "So I retired at 42, and I came to live in Benidorm." "The first five years I lived a very comfortable life." "I'd swim in my pool in the morning, have a late lunch..." " Sounds idyllic." "But I'm a very physical man, Joyce." "I can see that." " I tried to relax, live the easy life, but I needed a project." "To cut a long story short," "I started to dabble in the property market just before the bottom fell out of it." "Joyce?" "Ooh." "I do apologise." "I got confused." "I got as far as your bottom..." "Anyway, since then I've been kind of living in denial." "But the fact is, you've got the one thing I need." "Really?" "Are you sure?" "A job." "I need a job, Joyce." "Yes, I understand that, Mr Hornby, but we really do need someone with experience." "Joyce, I'm an open book." "What you see is what you get." "If you like what you see, it's yours." "How hard can it possibly get?" "You tell me." " (KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Come in." "I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage, we're so low on staff now," "I'm not sure how we're going to get through the day." "I'm ready when you are, Joyce." "Thank you, Mr Hornby." "I'll be in touch." "Ooh, I do hope so, Joyce." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "He seems keen." "Want the last one in?" " Yes, thank you." "Although, to be honest, Les, I think Mr Hornby could be the one." "On the job I mean." "Er, for the job." " As long as he's got plenty of experience." "We haven't got time to be training someone up." "In you come, love." "This is Amber." "I'm on reception if you need me." "Hello, Amber." "Do take a seat." "Joyce Temple-Savage." "Did you bring your CV with you?" " Absolutely." "Here's my CV, three references, my City  Guilds in Hotel Management and Catering, my First Aid Training certificate, and my IPLQ." "IPLQ?" "International Pool Lifeguard Qualification." "Are you all right, son?" "Where are the others?" "(AMERICAN ACCENT) You shake 'em off at the pass?" " They're unpacking." "Why didn't you save the other sunbeds?" "What others?" "I'm all right on this one." "The sunbeds for me, Sheron and the kids." "Oh, I didn't think." "Come on, there's some more beds over there." " I'm all right here, to be honest." " Ohh." "What are you doing?" "I said I were all right here." "The bar's too far away over there." "We don't need to get our own drinks from the bar, that's why we had kids." " Oh, yeah." "Here you are, these are fine." "Billy." " Yes, Dad." "I don't suppose you've had a word yet, have you, to Sheron about me moving in?" "Son?" " Um..." "Well, it's not a great time, to be honest, Dad." "But I've moved out of my flat." " What do you mean you've moved out?" "You know my flat, I've moved out of it." "Why?" "Why would you do that?" " Cos you said I could move in with you." "I didn't mean it." "I didn't mean right now." "Where's all your stuff?" " In Ron Pickford's garage." "Who..." "Who's Ron Pickford?" "Ohh." "You're very quiet, the pair of you." " Just relaxing." "Aren't we, son?" " Yeah, relaxing." "(SIGHS)" "Where are the kids?" " Rob's taking Jodie to get an ice cream." "I think it's time for a drink." " Oh, yeah, smashing." "I'll have a beer." " Diet Coke for me." "And I will have whisky and lemonade." "No point drinking beer when the spirits are free as well." "Will they be long, t'kids?" "I'm dry as a bone here." "I thought you were going to get the drinks?" " No point doing everything yourself, is there?" "That's what you have kids for, isn't it?" "What kind of thing is that to say?" "They're not slaves, you know?" " I'll go." "Beer for you, you want a Diet." " I beg your pardon?" "Diet Coke?" "Just checking." "You know what my memory's like." "I'll be a good ten minutes." "I'm going for a Tom Tit first." "I've been baking it since we disembarked in Alicante." "(GRUNTS)" "And wash your hands." ""You want a Diet"?" " Diet Coke." "He wanted to get your drink right." "He knows exactly what he was saying." "How did he end up coming with us?" "I don't remember inviting him." "He's been through a very traumatic divorce, he needs this holiday." "(LAUGHS) Mary's the one who deserves a holiday after 40 years married to him." "Oh, well, I suppose we should be thankful for small mercies." "At least we've only got him for a week." " Yeah." "She's good." "Young, and attractive, doesn't seem afraid of hard work." "Yes." " I'm not sure why she brought her dad with her." "Marcus and Amber are each on an unpaid shift." "I'm sure, by the end of the day, we'll know who the man is for me." "Or woman." "For us." "I mean at the Solana." "Any problems, I'll be on my mobile." "Nay bother, Mrs Tempest-Savage." "You won't..." "You won't get it any cheaper than that." "All right?" "Thank you, goodbye." "I'm sorry about that." "Now, listen, I want to talk about Picasso..." "Tsk." "(SNORES)" "Kenneth, according to this, you haven't had any customers in weeks." "If my nose were as long as yours, I'd have a lot more offers to sit on my face." "You're not getting any offers of work." "How do you pay your bills?" "Or the rent?" "Look, I have an arrangement." " Oh, God, here we go." "No, it's not what you think." "Basically, I'm rent-free." "This place belongs to my Uncle Herbert." "He even pays all the bills." " I knew it." " Shut up." "He's a real uncle." "Well, actually, he's not." "He was a very good friend of my mother's, but he owns this and most of the other hairdresser's this side of Alicante." " So, Kenneth Du Beke, you've fallen on your stilettos once again." "Let's face it, the less time I spend in here, the more time I get to spend with you two." "(SNORES) - (SNIGGERS)" "Has she been all right?" " Not really." "She misses him terribly." "They were like book ends." "What, they usually had two or three people in between them?" " No." "Well, yeah." "I mean they were always together." " When they didn't have two or three people in between them?" "It's funny, isn't it?" "Everyone thought Donald would go hanging upside side, bound and gagged, dressed as a naughty nurse." " You mean he didn't?" " No." "They both got into bed, turned out the light, fell asleep, at some point his heart just stopped beating." " Oh." "I guess there's only so much fun you can pack into one lifetime." " Yeah." "By that reckoning, your number should've been up years ago." " Oh, don't say that." "Anyway, why are you only staying a weekend?" "I've got a salon to run myself." "Do you know the kind?" "That has customers." " Oh, come on." "She loves it here." "What's more important, your salon or Jacqueline's happiness?" "(SIGHS)" "I'll go and get us some more drinks." "(SNORES)" "Oh, you're actually open today." " No." "What gave you that impression?" "What's the point of having a salon which is never open?" " Piss off!" "Oh... (EMBARRASSED LAUGH) It's just banter." "Are you checking in?" "Where have you been?" " Oh, sorry about that, Joyce." "Just had to nip outside for a bit of business." " Nip out?" "I'm supposed to be showing you how to check guests in." " Absolutely." "I'm all ears." "(CLEARS THROAT) If you'll watch me." " Watch you?" "I can't take my eyes off you." "Oh." " Hello?" "Sorry." "Passports, please?" "Oh, there's the..." "Yes, now the computer is very old but terribly efficient." "A bit like me." " (LAUGHS)" "You make one more crack about your age, I'm gonna have to put you across my knee." " (GIGGLES)" "He's a cheeky one, this one." " (PHONE RINGS)" "Hold that thought, Joyce." "Hello?" "Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment." "Can I call back?" "What's it regarding?" " Now, we've got keys here..." " Yeah, listen," "I'm in full-time employment." "You'll get your payment within the next month." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "One second." "Gracias." "Same to you, mate." "Um, Marcus," "I think we're going to have to set a few boundaries." "Joyce, I just wanna thank you so much for this job." "You're very welcome." "I..." "I beg your pardon?" "They say that Benidorm is a lonely city when your back's against the wall." "But the moment I looked into those big blue eyes" "I knew you were the one." " I'm sorry?" "The one?" "To save me." " Well, I haven't actually offered you the job." "I'm gonna lay myself bare in front of you, Joyce." "What, here?" "I've got nothing." "I'm stony broke." "I've got debts up to here." "It's a shame I'm not a bit taller." " (LAUGHS)" "I appreciate all that..." " You... are an angel sent from heaven." "I don't think you understand how I feel at the moment." "I could kiss you." "(PHONE RINGS)" " Ohh!" "What now?" "How many times have I got to tell you?" "Sorry." "Oh, buenos dias." "Welcome to the Solana." "Thank you." "Oh, my God." " Oh, ain't it?" "Never seen them that size before." "Really?" "Oh, mate, I've gotta email you some links." "How would you get your mouth up to them?" "Start by buying her a drink." "They're made of plastic, right?" " Nah, man, those are the real deal." "I think I just might be in with a chance." "What are you talking about?" " What are you talking about?" "Those massive straws on the bar." "I was talking about the girl behind the bar." "What girl?" "Oh, the one behind the bar." "Yeah, she's fit." "Same again, please." "Those went down well." "Are you here for the week?" " What it gotta do with you?" "You've got some admirers." "Oh." "Comes with the job, doesn't it?" "Not for all of us. (LAUGHS)" "So, you've worked in Benidorm before?" "Yeah." "I was at The Regency for a year, then at El Jardin and Altaya for two." " Bloody hell." "This must be a step down for you." "Certain people with tattoos and broken noses." "I prefer my men with a bit of character." "I was talking about the women." " (GIGGLES)" "Excuse me, love, can I get a drink?" " Hola." "Same again?" "You know that woman you were with earlier?" "Blonde hair, blue suit, good-looking." "Is she the manager?" "What's it got to do with you?" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Oh, are you getting in?" " Is it cold?" "At first, but you get used to it." "Where's your inflatable ring?" "Do you want me to get it for you?" "Are you getting in?" " In a minute." "Can you swim?" " No, not really." "There's only one way to learn." " (SQUEALS)" "Diet Coke, your Sheron?" "Diet?" "Oh, my God!" "Jodie!" "Bloody hell!" "Oh, shit!" "(SPLUTTERS)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Come here, come here, darling." "Don't worry, I'm here." "Oh, sweetheart." "She's OK, she's all right, thank you so much." "He kicked me, he kicked me." " Who kicked you?" "Are you all right, darling?" "Course she's not, she nearly drowned!" " Granddad kicked me into the pool." "What?" " Don't be ridiculous." "You... didn't kick her in, did you, Dad?" "Well, I might have just nudged her." "A bit." " Nudged her?" "Nudged her?" "!" "She nearly friggin' drowned!" " I told him I couldn't swim, but he told me there's only one way to learn, and he kicked me in." " What?" "!" "Come here!" " No, no." "Come here!" " No." " Let me at him!" "Get off me!" "I'll kill him, I'll bloody kill him!" "What's going on?" " Dad, go inside." "She's all right." "A couple of gobs full of water is not gonna kill her." "I'll wring his friggin' head off!" " Come on, calm down." "Just calm down." " Argh!" "I wanna do karaoke." " (SIGHS)" " We'll do it tomorrow night, darling." "You need to rest." " She doesn't need to rest, we're on holiday." "She needs to enjoy herself." " (AMERICAN ACCENT) I wanna do my karaoke and get my groove on." "Right, we can go down for an hour if you stop doing that silly voice." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" " It's open." "What's going on?" "Are we getting something to eat or what?" "I'm starving." "Well?" "♪ Every night I grab some money and I go down to the bar..." "Thanks very much, enjoy your evening." "You seemed to do very well today, Amber." "Very well indeed." "Thank you, Mrs Temple-Savage." " And I heard all about the incident in the pool today." "You did very well there, too." "Oh, thank you." "But this job isn't just working hard and saving children's lives." "If only." "It's about experience." "I gave you my references." "I've had a lot of experience." "I'm talking about life experience." "I think we're possibly looking for a more mature applicant." "Oh." "Thanks for hanging around for another hour, Amber." "You've done great again." "God, Les, fancy dress." "You didn't tell me it was fancy dress." "Do you do this every night?" "You look hilarious." "No, it's not fancy dress, and I'm Lesley." "When I'm dressed like this I'm Lesley." "Oh, God, sorry, Les." "I mean Lesley." "Thank you for today, Amber." "I've got one more person to see this evening, then I'm going to sleep with my decision." "Er, sleep on it." "My decision." "I mean..." "I'll be in touch." "OK." "I hope to hear from you." " (LAUGHS)" "I'm sorry about that, Les..." "ley." "Um, thanks for all your help today." " Nay bother, young 'un." "You did great." "Are you sure you're not gonna take her on?" "She's a grafter." " Lesley, the girl's practically a child." "We need somebody with maturity and experience." " Joyce, are we all set?" "I thought we could do a bit of tapas in the Old Town and then maybe catch a movie." "Mr Hornby, I think there's been a misunderstanding." "I asked to see you this evening to assess your application." "Oh." "Oh, right." "Yeah, no worries." "I'll wait for you in reception." "Well, I hope you enjoy your final assessment." "I'm not sure I like your attitude, Lesley." "I'm not sure I'm too struck with yours, either." "Excuse me?" " Yes, pal." "Two beers coming up." "♪ My daddy never noticed, now he'll finally get the point" "♪ Ohh!" "♪ You got me beggin' on my knees, c'mon and throw the dog a bone" "♪ A man he doesn't live " " I want to sing." "Rob, go and see if there's a book." "(BOTH) ♪ Baby, baby, rock 'n' roll and brew, rock 'n' roll and brew..." "French night." "All regular dishes, excluding hotpot, will be served with garlic mayonnaise." "I'm gonna text my dad, tell him to come and have his tea with us." "He's obviously keeping a low profile." " Or, instead, you could leave him wherever he is, you know, just to be on the safe side, considering I've still got one child he hasn't tried to kill." "There you go." "Do you want me to help you choose one?" " Yes." "He didn't try and kill Jodie." "Don't be so dramatic." "My dad's not a well man." " He won't be if he comes anywhere near me." "Have you chosen one, darling?" " (AMERICAN ACCENT) Yeah." "I's gonna be Beyonce with the big ol' booty." "I'll go and put it in for you." "Oh, come here." "I love you." " Hey, woman, don't mess with my weave." "I gotta show my ass off on that there stage." "♪ Dead ringer for love" "♪ Dead ringer for love" "♪ Dead ringer for love..." "Mr Hornby, Marcus, I'd just like to set the record straight." " Great." "I'm extremely flattered by your very obvious interest." " Oh, yeah, well," "I really need this job." " No, I meant in me." "Oh, I have to go through whatever it takes to get me on the payroll." "Go through..." "What does that mean?" "Look, we both know I'm not exactly cut out for working in a shitty three-star hotel." "I beg your pardon?" " If I'm absolutely honest, all I need is proof" "I'm in full-time employment." "I won't bore you with the details, but I do realise, if I'm being paid to ride the bike," "I've gotta pump the tyres up every now and then." " What?" "I thought that was the arrangement we were both driving at." " Oh, no, Mr Hornby, there's no "arrangement"." "Apart from the fact I have a job vacancy, which you're clearly unqualified in both experience and attitude." "But I've said I don't want the job, all I need to know is are you gonna put me on the payroll?" "No, I'm not." "Are you stupid?" "Now get out of my hotel!" "All right, all right, no need to shout." "I'll say goodbye, then." " Goodbye, Mr Hornby." "Is everything all right, Joyce?" " You?" "What?" " You don't remember me, do you?" "No, mate, and I've got a very good memory for faces." " Oh, really?" "Even for people you've beaten up, robbed, and tied to a hotel radiator?" "And you stole mine and my husband's mobile phones." "Four years ago." "Shit." "Right, come on, I need a drink." "I was gonna run after him, but I thought if I catch him I'll kill him." "(BOTH) ♪ I wish you wouldn't make made me leave here" "♪ I poured it on and I poured it out" "♪ I tried to show you" " This is amazing." "Yeah, it's not bad." " No, I mean we can eat and drink as much as we like." "Yeah." "Do you want another drink?" " Definitely." "Do they have a Happy Hour?" " No." "Oh, that's a shame." "Why would they have a Happy Hour?" "All the drinks are free." " Oh, right." "It's a shame though, isn't it?" "A Happy Hour would be nice." "♪ All I can do" "♪ Is keep on telling you I want you " "Hey, Joe, are we still going out into Benidorm to watch the football?" "Definitely, but listen." "We should turn our phones off while the game's on." "Why's that?" " It would be quite tempting to text the lads at home with the score." "That's not really fair." "Why isn't it fair?" " It'll spoil it for them, won't it?" "Cos we're an hour in front." "I'll get the drinks." "♪ Now don't be sad" "♪ Cos two out of three ain't bad... ♪" "(RINGS)" "Oh. (GROANS)" "(GROANS)" "Oh, oh." "♪ Bye, bye, baby" "♪ Baby, goodbye... ♪ - (GROANS)" "♪ Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man" "♪ No time to talk" "♪ Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around" "♪ Since I was born, but now it's all right" "♪ It's OK" "♪ You may look the other way..." " When's it me?" "They'll call your name." " Oh, can't you tell them to hurry up?" "What, you want me to ask them to sing faster?" "He's not answering." " Maybe someone's kicked him in the pool?" " Sheron, that's not funny." " No, it's not." "Excuse me, but are you with a Mr Eddie Dawson, Room 1505?" "No." " Yeah." "Yes, we are." "I think he's had some sort of accident in his room." "Oh, my God!" "Come on!" "OK, the last karaoke singer tonight is Jodie." " It's me, it's me." "We'll have to do it tomorrow night." " No, now!" " I can't leave you here." "There's something wrong with your granddad." " Agh!" "Lesley, there is someone in reception asking for you." " Thank you." "Come on, what are you playing at?" "That's my father in there." " (GROANS)" "What's wrong with him?" " I dunno." "We can't get in." " (SIGHS)" "Get out of the way." "(CLUNK)" "(GROANS)" " What is it, Dad?" "(GROANS)" " Is it your heart?" " No, it's my back." "It's locked." "Sit me up." "Careful." "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "(BONES CLICK) Oh, that's it." "Oh, that's it." "Oh, thank God for that." "How the friggin' hell did you get this room?" "I don't know." "Why, is yours not the same?" "You know it's not the same!" "That's why you ran up to the rooms on your own, to get the best one." "Have you seen our room?" "It's an absolutely shithole." " It's not that bad." " Shut up!" "I don't know why, but this diet you're on really seems to be putting you on edge." " I'll..." " Come on." "Get off me!" "Get off me!" "I'm going to kill you!" "Get off me!" "Get off!" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Come in." "How did you get on?" " Get on?" "With your fella?" "Did you hire him?" " No, no, I didn't." "Between you and me, Lesley, they say there's no fool like an old fool, and I've just been made to look the biggest fool of them all." "Again." "So, will you be hiring the young lass?" "Or are you still looking for someone, you know, a bit more mature, with more experience?" "I'm a silly, vain old woman, Lesley." "I knew Marcus..." "Mr Hornby would be useless, but I even juggled the books so I could hire the girl as well." "That's what you get for trying to eat your cake and have it." " So you are still looking?" "I can't go through all this again." " I don't think you'll have to." "Someone came in the Solana tonight looking for work." " (SIGHS)" "Mrs Temple-Savage, Lesley tells me you were looking for staff." "Mateo, I thought you'd gone to live in Madrid." " Yes, I've been working in Madrid, but sometimes you have to follow your heart." "Benidorm is my home, and if you will have me, I would love to work at the Solana again." "When can you start?" "Not for another... ten, 15 minutes at least." " (LAUGHS)" "Right." "Come on, team, we've got a hotel to run." "Yes!"