"Hello, Eileen." "It's me." "Lee." "Yes, I know you said I shouldn't ring, but um..." "I have just stripped all the paint off those bathroom walls." " You haven't been decorating, have you?" "." " No." "Please don't hang up!" "." "I know you're not talking to me." "That's why I rang." "It's much better if you're not talking to me, if I'm here trying to talk to you." "Otherwise you wouldn't really not be talking to me, and I wouldn't be there not to talk to." "I will get to the point, if you just..." "How long?" "." "Oh, OK, OK." ""My darling Eileen, I want to pop round." "I want to pop round because I've got a surprise." ""A surprise that'll bring love and romance back to our marriage."" " Lee?" "." " I'm on the phone." "Not now, Stu." "No, you're not doing that, are you?" "." "You've got to put the plug in, remember?" "." "It's like the trouble you had running the bath." "Yes, yes, yes." "Well, I know that, don't I?" "." "I'm rehearsing." "I don't want anything to go wrong." "But now I'm ready, all right." "Yes!" "." "It's a big day for me and Eileen." "I've got her this ring." "It's going to change everything." " I even thought of the words to put inside." " There's nothing on it." "She likes it when I keep quiet." " Things are on the up, Stu." "I got an acting job." " Oh, yeah?" "." "Yes, it's kind of very experimental, you know, street performance." " You wouldn't understand it." " Go on." "I stand in Piccadilly with one of those signs that says "Golf Sale" on it." " Fifty quid I got for it!" " They've paid you already?" "." "No, I sold the sign." "That means you're all wedged up and holding the fold in." " Why?" "." " You know what day it is, don't you?" "." "Heather?" "." "What's the matter?" "." "I've just come back from Harley Street." "My doctor's given me some very bad news." "What?" "." "I'm poor!" "He won't see me until I pay his bills." "Well, I'm not poor, am I?" "." "Because I've got my lovely lodgers." "And today is rent day!" "Oh, yes, yes, yes - yes." " Here's my half, Heth, in cash." " Good boy!" "Ooh, lovely wads of cash!" " And what about you, Stu?" "." " And here's mine!" "Half for me, and half for the blood-sucking vultures!" "Oh, God." "All I get now is wretched, stinking bills." "My letterbox used to vomit invitations!" ""Dear Ms Ornshaw..." Blah, blah, blah "..unauthorised withdrawals..." blah," ""..the branch manager would like to see you."" "I can't think why." "I was there for an hour and a half last time, and he didn't even ask me out." "I've informed them I'm doing something about it." " You're not going on the game, are you?" "." " No." "I'm going to rearrange my furniture." "I bet that knocked him bandy!" "Listen." "Lee, will you sit down and listen?" "." "Here it is." ""Since reorganising her living space," ""Madonna found Guy Ritchie and a recipe for cheesecake." ""'I owe it all to Feng Shui,' she quipped."" "You see, this is how I want MY sitting room." "All right, grab an end each, boys." "I meant the sofa, the sofa!" "I can't." "I'm on the phone." "It's ringing!" "And my doctor says I mustn't lift any more heavy objects." "Not in his surgery, anyway." "Hello, Eileen." "I got you out of the bath?" "." "Come on, Lee!" "That's not important." "This could change everything." "Lift your end up, and take it round to the left, to the left." "To the left, to the left." "Actually, that's not right." "Come round to the right." "To the right, to the right." "I think I'm feeling better already!" "I'll tell you what, how about doing this, eh?" "." "It might make it a bit easier." "My life's just a joke to you, isn't it?" "." "I hate my sofa, I hate my living space, I hate my poverty." "I've got no friends." "What's become of me?" "." "When you're down, nobody wants to listen." "That's not true." "We want to listen." "Yeah, look at him." "He's all ears." "You don't." "You don't really want to listen." " We want to listen to you more than anyone." " Really?" "." "(PHONE)" " Hello?" "." "Eileen." " Eileen?" "." "Eileen!" "Go, go, go!" "Yes." "No, he'd rather listen to me." "Ooh!" "That's really good." "Can't you feel your life is changing already?" "." "Yes!" "Now I've got an aggravated hernia, and me wife's got the hump." "Broke, financially irresponsible, extravagant." "It's time to take control." "I'm going shopping!" "Oh, Lee, don't take the suitcase." "Don't be a mug." "She'll chuck you out." "Not this time, Stu." "I've got a good feeling about this." "When Eileen sees me walk through that front door, it'll be like nothing's changed." " What are they for?" "." " Nothing's changed." "Who scrunched up me j cloth?" "." "Right, I must rehearse." "Come on, you can help me." "Please!" "Come on, you be Eileen, and I'm ringing the doorbell." "All right?" "." "Thanks, mate." "Ding-dong!" " Hello, Eileen." "It's me!" " Get out, Lee!" " Get out, Lee!" " You're not doing this right." " I am." "I'm being Eileen." "That's what she'll say." " NO!" "Will you please be Eileen?" "." ""Get out" is what Wendy says when you're trying to see the kids." "Please, be Eileen, will you?" "." "Ding-dong!" " Hello, Lee." " Hello, Eileen, can I come in?" "." "No, Wendy's here." "Get out, Lee." " Get out, Lee!" " Eileen, shut up and listen to me." " Darling, you've changed!" " That's right, I've changed." "Welcome to the new me!" " You know that special surprise I said I had?" "." " Yes." "Well... (PANTING AND WHIMPERING)" " I haven't got it." " What?" "." " I haven't got the ring." " Get out, Lee." "No, no." "I'm not messing around." "I haven't got the ring!" "Now then, ring boy." "Where do you last remember having it?" "." "If I knew exactly, I wouldn't have to look, would I?" "." "You're so ungrateful!" "I'm sat here, knocking my pipe out." "Now, let's work back through everything that happened." "Right, that's a good idea." "Yeah, I was over by the case, went over by the door." "You said, "Where exactly did you have it last?"'" "Walked back through what happened, then I tried to remember." "Then, after that, it's a blank." " I meant before all of that, you twat." " Before that we came out of the lounge." "Yes." "Yes, in here, through there." "Exhausted, exhausted, exhausted." "I'm going shopping!" "Aggravated hernia!" "He'd rather listen to me." "(BOTH) Eileen!" "He's all ears." "Ha-ha." "Left, left, left, left, left, left." "Right, right, right, right, right, right." "Left, left, left, left, left, left." " That's not important." " I got you out of the bath!" "No more heavy objects, doctor reckons." "Madonna, cheesecake, Feng Shui, she quipped." "What IS she talking about, the daft mare?" "." "Put her on the phone." "Poor, poor, bank manager, got no friends." " Bills!" " Invitations spewing out of my letterbox." " Bills!" " Spewing!" " Rent day." " Rent day." " Good boy!" " And here's mine." "Hey!" "Poor, poor, doctor, doctor." "Can't pay no bills." " Worry, worry, worry." " Upset, upset." "I'm all upset." "I'm upset." " Did they pay you?" "." " Yes." "Fifty quid, golf sign, sold it." "A-a-n-d ring." "Sofa!" "Ooh, it is a bit stained." "If you like, I'll knock off 50p." "A bit stained?" "." "It's mine!" "There." "I'm only getting this to end world poverty." "Here it all goes to mentally-ill lepers." "Now, I've got Mr Byrite," "Woolworths," "High  Mighty." "Oh, this IS a nice one!" "Yes, thank you, thank you." "I have my own." " Heather?" "." " Oh, Chloe, quelle surprise!" " I haven't seen you since rehab." "Better?" "." " Oh, yes, yes, yes." " Didn't I see you were at..." " Yes, I was." " Bit of a spread in the..." " I think I saw it, darling." " Didn't you get an invite?" "." " Did I?" "." "Did I get an invite?" ".!" "What are you..." "What are you doing here?" "." "Oh, you know, just clearing out the old wardrobe before I hit the shops." " What about you?" "." " Me too." "Ho-ho." " There you go." " Don't you want it now?" "." " No, you have it." " What, already?" "." "You have it, you have it." "I'm SO bored with it." " No, Lee, it's no good." "It's not there." " It is." "I can feel it through the cloth." "It's gone in the springs." "Do you want a cup of tea or coffee?" "." "Or would you prefer a packed lunch?" "." "A cup of tea." "I'll soon jiggle it out." "Hold on!" "I think I've seen it." "(PHONE)" "Lee, get that, will you?" "." "Lee, will you... (LEE, MUFFLED) I can't breathe!" "Hello, Eileen." "Yeah, he wants to talk to you." "(CONTINUED CRIES FROM LEE)" "What's all the shouting?" "." "Are you watching the wedding video again?" "." "I can definitely hear shouting." "Hang on, I'll see if he's up there." "LEE, PHONE!" "OH!" "Hang on, Eileen." "I think I've found him." "She's hung up!" "Hang on, I'll get you out." "She told me to tell you that she's round at her mum's all week, and for you not to go round." "And when she gets back home, you're not to go round, either." "Yeah, but if I could just give her this." " A curtain ring!" " A curtain ring?" "." "Oh, God!" "It MUST be somewhere!" " Did Eileen give you that?" "." " What?" "." " That wedding ring." " Don't be daft." "I don't wear a wedding ring..." "Lee, you're a complete spam-head!" "I knew I had it." "I put it there so I wouldn't lose it." "Oh, God, oh, God!" "It's all right, it's all right, it's ALL RIGHT." "It's fine, it's fine." " I done woodwork at school." " Ahh!" "It was so, so funny!" "There was Bill Wyman enjoying a joke with Floella Benjamin." "(MUFFLED) What was it?" "." " Sorry?" "." " The joke, what was it?" "." "Um, well, I didn't actually hear it." "But I could tell it was a real boffo." "It was such a great do." "Everyone was there, Sting, Posh and Becks, Vanessa Feltz." "I didn't see you there." "Maybe you weren't actually there, you just read about it." " Only read about it?" "." "Ha-ha, don't be ridicul..." " So you didn't ACTUALLY get an invite." "Darling, you should see my mantelpiece!" "If I said yes to every single invite I receive," "I'd probably end up going out!" "Oh, my God." "What a shame." " I won't bother asking, then." " What?" "." "No, no, no, no, nothing." " No, what?" "." " No, no, no, it really doesn't matter." "Oh, no, it does matter." " Will you bloody tell me?" "." " All right." "It's just a silly telly do I'm supposed to be going to tonight." "I've got nobody to go with." "The Brit Awards?" "." "Oh, my God!" "Don't they do a big, big do, party thingy afterwards?" "." " I know it's absolutely not your sort of thing." " No, no." " It is your sort of thing?" "." " Well, ye..." "Er, um, I mean, yes." "Well, I mean, no, I'd go as a favour." "Darling, you can't go." " Why?" "." " Not looking like that." "Hair needs sorting out." "No, no, no, no." "Small moustache problem." "(HAMMERING)" "(SAWING)" "What do you reckon?" "." "Eh?" "." " Ah, not bad." " Told you I did woodwork, didn't I?" "." "You should be very proud of yourself." "I mean, it's only a slight tilt, isn't it?" "." " Oh, that is SO much better!" " Really?" "." " When you walk into that party, heads will turn!" " You're not just saying that?" "." " Heather, it's me, honestly." " Let me have a look." " Oh, my God!" " What is it?" "." "I think there's something missing." "Hang on." "Let me see..." "Ta-da!" " You man-eater, you!" " Really?" "." " I'm SO jealous!" " It's not too much, is it?" "." "You're right, Chloe." "You just can't get this look for under £300." "(MOBILE PHONE)" "Sorry." "Hello?" "." "Oh, hi!" "That's bloody brilliant!" "Heather's going to be SO pleased!" "Yep." "Bye." "Oh, Heth, I've got some absolutely fantastic news!" "Nasty Nick's dinner's fallen through, so he CAN take me out tonight, so you don't have to come." "Oh, darling, stop it!" "I've let you off the hook." "This has worked out perfectly, but I must dash." "He's meeting me at Tramp's." " Darling, do you mind picking up the bill?" "." " No, no, no, no." "Thank you." "Oh, excuse me." "What are you doing tonight after work?" "." "Snogging my boyfriend." "Hello?" "." "Hello?" "." "(SIGHS)" " Lee, wait." "Put it down, put it down." " We haven't got time." "(BELL)" "Where's the staff when you need them?" "." "(STUART) Hey, where is he?" "." " Do you do deliveries?" "." " Yes, we do." " How much do you charge?" "." " This here is the delivery map." "This is the £5 radius." "Anywhere in there, that's £5." "And that there is the £10 charge." " Where do you live?" "." " Well, mate, we haven't got a lot of time." "We live up there, up there." "Camden Terrace." " That'll probably be the £10 radius." " That's the one." "Come on, van it up, let's go." " No." " What do you mean, no?" "." " You're outside the delivery radius." "You're there." " But that's just on the line." "That's my fault, you see, because the real radius is in pencil, and I went over it with a thick felt-tip pen so the customer could see it." "So, in actual fact, you're just outside the radius." "That's ridiculous!" "What if your house straddled the line?" "." "I don't know." "I suppose that's a kind of no-man's-land." "What happens when you deliver?" "." "Do they walk up the path, stop at the door and throw it in?" "." "All I know is they won't do it." "How about this?" "." "Deliver it right up to the line, then we carry it the rest of the way." "And there's some money in it for you." "Lee, wallet, now!" "Quick!" " The company will not allow any form of er..." " There you go." "Good man!" "This is £20!" " Is it?" "." " So?" "." "You might as well have paid the £10 surcharge for deliveries outside the normal radius." "What do you mean?" "." "It's £10 extra for anywhere outside the normal radius." "You said you don't deliver outside that line." "He said he wanted the £10 radius." "I didn't think he could afford it." "Put your overalls on, Stu." "I'm going to punch him right in his hackney in a minute!" "Look!" "Can you deliver it to as near to Camden Terrace as possible?" "." " Right." " Great!" "I nearly saw red then." "It was a kind of pinky colour." " That'll be Thursday, then." " Thursday." "Ding!" "It's red!" "All right, then." "Go on." "Yes!" "Oh, blimey!" "Thanks for cooling me down there, Stu." "Yes." "Thursday, is it?" "." " You don't understand." "It has to be today." " They're not going that way today." " Oh, no!" " Oh, God!" "Look at him, he's having an asthma attack now." "Look!" "Here he is." "He's coming." "Oh, oh, oh, oh, ahh!" "Ahh!" "Little man!" "(SOOTHING BABY-TALK)" "Where ARE you delivering today?" "." " Well, we deliver there." " Yeah." " That cabinet goes there." " Yeah." " The little pouf, that goes there." " Yeah!" "The wardrobe goes...there!" "And the tallboy..." " That goes there." " That's the bottom of our hill." "There, then!" "He wanted it delivered there, and he'd carry it, but they're not going there." "They're going there." "(BOTH) There, then!" "Why didn't you say so?" "." "Put it down." "Put it down!" "Put it down." "Let's see...if we can...make it to the top...of the hill." "Top of the hill." "Are you ready?" "." "Hup!" "There, there, there, there!" "Put it down!" "Where did he go?" "." "Where did he go?" "." "Over there." "No, Lee." "Lee!" "We'll never squeeze through there." "We will, we will, we will." "We'll squeeze through." " Lee, why don't we go out in the road?" "." " No, I don't want to go out in the road." " Yes!" "Let's go in the road." " No." "Wait, wait." "STUART!" "Excuse me, my friend." "Do you mind?" "." "Thanks." " Lee!" " I'm coming!" "I'm coming, Stu!" "I'm coming." "Quick!" "AAH!" "Stick your foot down!" "Stick your foot down!" " Where?" "." " Down!" "Put the foot... (SQUEALS)" " Lee." " What?" "." "Put your foot on the brake." "The BRAKE!" "No!" "Get out of the way!" "(THUD, DOG WHIMPERS)" "(BOTH GASPING)" " This time we'll go through." " Go through?" "." "I said that the last time." "You tried to kill me." " Watch it now." " Wait, wait!" "Watch the plank." "Lee, the plank." "(GROANS AND PANTS)" "Lee, the plank." "Move...move the plank!" " Move the..." " I've got it." "I've got it!" " Don't leave the plank." " No." "I've got it." "That's it, that's it!" " Oi!" " Excuse me!" "Stop!" " Boys, I love it!" " Yeah?" "." "You're not mad at me for trashing your old one?" "." " I'm glad you did." "It's just like the one in here." " Yeah?" "." "There's just one small thing." "I'm not entirely sure it's in the right position." "Yeah, well, sorry about that, Heth." "Somebody forgot to measure the bloody door!" "Hang on a minute!" "It's not my fault." "Inches, I said, inches." "Not centimetres." " I see, it's my fault, is it?" "." " Well, who trashed the sofa?" "." "I had good reason to." "I found the ri..." "I've lost the ring." "Um, where's the ring?" "." "It's in the sofa." "It must be." "I mean, it must be!" "It must be in the sofa, I think."