"Ok, kids, thank you for joining me here" "In the walk-in." "Thank you all." "You said we had to, so..." "Shush." "Brr!" "I should have brought my cardigan." "I have an announcement about the restaurant." "Here in this box is the beef" "That will make our-- gene, drumroll, please." "[imitating rock 'n' roll drum solo]" "Ok, enough." "Gene." "[slows and stops drums solo]" "Here in this box is the beef" "That will make our 100,000th burger." "Wow." "Can I touch it?" "I wanna touch it, too." "I wanna feel it between my toes." "Mmm." "I wanna put a stick of dynamite in it" "And blow it up!" "No." "What is wrong with all of you?" "No one's touching this meat but me." "I have an announcement, too." "My bra is chafing me." "That's not a real announcement." "Oh!" "I have one." "I love..." "House music." "There!" "I said it!" "[imitating house beat]" "And I'm going to get my gun license," "Finally." "Oh, congratulations." "Can't believe they're making you wait 3 days." "Stop stealing my thunder!" "I found the banner!" "It's from our old printer." "You just have to tear off the holes on the side." "We were supposed to hit 100,000 ages ago." "Heh." "We were way off." "Yeah." "Big time." "Ha hah!" "Can I just-- stop it!" "Tina:" "There it is." "Get it!" "Dive!" "Oh, my god." "[both moan] [sizzles]" "Are you number 100,000?" "[high-pitched] no." "[normal] are you mad at me?" "[high-pitched] no." "[normal] oh, burger, you're cute." "[high-pitched] you're cute, too." "[normal] heh." "I'm not." "Whoa." "Linda!" "I think the news is here!" "I wonder if they heard about our 100,000th burger!" "What?" "!" "Hi." "How are you?" "Uh, what can I do for you?" "Are you bob?" "Uh, yeah." "I am." "I'm randy watkins," "The documentary filmmaker." "Ok." "Uh..." "We're making a film about the beef industry." "I heard you were about to hit" "Your 100,000th burger," "And I wanted to shake your hand." "Oh." "Yeah." "Um..." "Because you, sir, have blood on your hands." "Eww." "Is this ketchup?" "It's the blood of 100,000 slaughtered cows." "You ketchuped me." "We're here to force you to face your victims." "Meet your meat." "What the hell?" "Her name is moolissa." "She's due to be "processed" in 5 days, bob," "Unless you choose to spare her life." "Wh-why?" "That's right." "You will decide her fate." "It's a cow..." "Ntdown." "We'll see what your conscience tells you" "When you're looking your burger right in the eye." "Ow!" "This is ridiculous." "It's not a crime to make burgers." "There's no blood on our hands!" "What's all the yelling about?" "Louise:" "Turns out dad's been putting murdered cows in our hamburgers." "And you made us a part of it!" "You make me sick." "Kids, please." "Oh, look." "A cow." "Hello, blondie." "Oops." "I got some meat on you." "Dead cow on live cow." "Gross." "Heh heh." "Ohh." "God." "Uh, not a good time, linda." "Heh heh." "Ooh." "Randy, stop." "Stop filming." "You know," "We're not gonna be in your cow documentary anymore." "Well, you don't really have a choice, bob, 'cause I stop at nothing to expose injustice to animals." "Is that wig glued on?" "Yeah." "It's-- it's the only way it would stay put." "It's to, uh, humanize her." "It's cute." "Mmm." "I've seen cuter." "Honestly, she's a 4." "Randy, I--I don't know where to begin." "You know, this isn't even a female cow." "Beef happens to come from steers, which are male cows." "Then, uh, how do you explain that udder?" "Whoa." "What an udder." "Bob:" "Get away from there, tina." "That's, uh, not an udder." "Oh, it's not?" "Don't listen to him, randy." "You go ahead and milk that cow." "Milk it good." "Oh, we did." "You shouldn't have." "Milk doesn't come out of that." "Somethin' came out of it in that bucket over there." "You mean this bucket of urine?" "I know urine, and that's urine." "Gene, put that down." "No!" "Well, it certainly smells like urine," "But that's probably because she's sick." "No, she's not sick." "Sick of your practices, bob!" "Ok." "You know, we're gonna go inside and call animal control," "And then you'll have to leave." "[kids moan]" "Ok, so you've got all your permits," "And you're renting this storefront?" "Yes." "Oh, yeah." "And, uh, this cow has had all its shots?" "Yes." "Sure, sure, sure, sure." "All right." "Well, uh, great." "My job is done." "I'll see you guys later." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye, animal man." "What?" "Oh, will you sign" "A release to be in the movie?" "Uh, yeah." "A movie." "Yes." "You're gonna be a star!" "Excuse me." "Hello." "Thank you." "The person who called you." "Thank you." "You can't have a cow on the sidewalk." "It's dangerous." "Sir, sir, the only thing dangerous about this cow" "Is how adorable it is." "Moo." "Put your hand on this cow and touch it." "What?" "I just know that that's gonna help you." "Touch the cow." "Kids:" "Touch the cow." "Touch the cow." "I'm walking away." "Touch it." "Oh, right." "Run away, tough guy!" "Yeah!" "Go take a meat bath!" "Or whatever it is you people do!" ""dial 'm' for mooder," interview one, take one." "[clears throat] ♪ ma ma ma ma ♪" "♪ mi mi mi mi ♪ perfect." "Do you think cows should be ground up for food?" "Personally, I don't really care," "But my father, he loves grinding them up." "Gives him a rush." "Makes him feel alive." "Daddy's a bad, bad man." "Is this movie gonna have a score?" "You know, some music to tug at the heartstrings." "I--I haven't thought about it yet." "Well, check this out." "[backbeat playing] [plays dog bark] think about it." "Louise, what does that look like to you?" "Cow poop." "Good eye, tina." "Good eye." "No." "I mean it's in the shape of a smiley face," "Like an emoticon." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You think the cow is texting you an emoticon" "With its butt." "Very interesting." "Maybe this cow is trying to communicate with us" "The only way it knows how, with its feces." "Like gram-gram used to do." "Mom, let's say you had a brilliant plan, but to execute it," "You needed to write something using cow poop?" "How would you do it?" "Oh." "Is this a brainteaser?" "Hmm." "I would use a frosting bag." "Do we have one?" "Yeah, in the pantry." "Am I right?" "Is it a frosting bag?" "We'll see, mom." "Ahh." "[chuckles] [evil laughter]" "Yeah." "Okey-dokey." "Bye, kids." "Have a good day." "Murderer!" "[groans]" "Oh." "Hi, randy." "Whoa." "Wink with open smile." "Is this for me?" "It has to be." "What should I do?" "Should I text back?" "Comin' through." "[squish]" "Oh, no." "Ehh." "Enh." "Aww." "That's really cute." "It makes me hungry." "Let's eat now." "What's wrong with you people?" "!" "Yeah!" "What's wrong with you people?" "!" "Now let's talk about your music budget." "Is it a million?" "We only need one megaphone out here." "You know what you need?" "You need this!" "[backbeat playing] [plays dog bark]" "Think about it!" "Wow." "We're mobbed." "Thank you, documentary." "Linda, the documentary is about me being an evil cow killer." "Louise:" "Murderer!" "Oh, come on, bob." "There's no such thing as bad publicity." "This could be huge for us." "Like a sex tape." "Like a sex tape." "Uhh." "It's the best free advertising we ever had." "I know." "It's almost sad." "For who?" "I don't know." "The cow." "The cow's goin' out" "In a blaze of glory." "Everybody wins, bob." "I guess you're right." "I mean, looks kind of sweet out there" "Enjoying the day, meeting people." "Hi, cow." "I'm gonna eat you." "Whoa." "Can it hear us?" "[linda munching]" "Easy." "Like sands through the hourglass," "There goes my teeth right into your back." "That's my wife." "Ah, bobby, I'm friggin' starvin'." "Who could eat that beautiful creature?" "Shame on you!" "Are you going to be eating a burger today?" "We wouldn't dream of eating an animal." "We run a petting zoo by the interstate." "It's called mother goose's discount petting zoo." "Petting horses, goats, and sheep." "Precious memories on the cheap." "It's basically an animal sanctuary..." "That we make money off of." "Exactly." "[chuckles]" "Oh." "Hey, randy, thanks for the business." "[sarcastic] oh, hey, bob, you're welcome." "Well, I'm gonna go to bed soon." "What are you gonna do?" "Oh, I'll probably go to bed, too, 'cause I'm a person." "Bye." "[sizzling]" "M-moolissa, watch out!" "No!" "Bring in the accused." "[crowd clamoring]" "Yeah, yeah." "Louise, you're defending me?" "[gavel bangs]" "This so-called "man" stands accused" "Of murdering nearly 100,000 hamburgers worth of cows." "I call to the stand moolissa." "[crowd murmuring]" "Objection!" "That cow's faking his injuries!" "And I can prove it." "Think fast." "Overruled." "Moolissa, is the man who killed you" "In the courtroom today?" "Bob:" "It's me!" "It's me." "I just make hamburgers." "I never wanted to be a cow killer." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "[gasps] [snores]" "Whoa." "Heavy sleeper." "Wha--what happened?" "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "Go back to bed." "[sighs]" "I'm sorry." "Go back to bed." "[thunder crashes] [moolissa mooing]" "Hey!" "Randy!" "Your cow's gonna freeze to death out here!" "Randy!" "Bob:" "Shh." "Easy." "Easy." "Back up." "Back up." "Back up." "[gasps] oh, my god." "Heh." "I know." "It's a cow!" "You know what?" "You won't even know it's here." "Uh, that was like that already." "Definitely clean that." "Oop." "Step back." "This is the best dream I've ever had!" "Everybody pee on the floor!" "Who's with me?" "!" "Ok, eat while it's hot." "Well, well, well." "Look who's too good for cereal now." "He's trying to impress the cow." "Don't be ridiculous." "Someone knows how to treat" "A lady-slash- male steer." "Bob, I am not comfortable with this situation." "Lin, what was I supposed to do?" "I had that crazy dream." "It was raining." "Well, I had a crazy dream" "That there wouldn't be a cow's a-s-s" "In my face when I'm eating my breakfast." "I know what that spells." "Ass." "Ass." "Mom." "Heh." "Ass." "Stop it." "Say good-bye, everybody." "It's going out" "On the street, where it belongs." "Of course, ok?" "Of course." "Right after breakfast." "Cows can't go down stairs." "What?" "What's that?" "Cows can't go down stairs." "That's, like, a thing." "I've heard that." "It's like a fun fact." "Bobby..." "Hmm." "Cows can't go down stairs?" "That better not be true." "[bob grunting]" "Huh." "What do you know?" "We know you'll push on a cow's butt" "For half an hour without asking for help." "Gotta have that butt all to yourself." "Randy:" "Hey, bob!" "What's the deal, man?" "What'd you do to moolissa?" "It's up here!" "Come get it out!" "Linda." "Uh, it's not up here, randy." "My wife's crazy." "Shh." "If he knows I brought the cow in," "He'll think he won." "So what if he won?" "Get the cow out of the house now." "Stop." "You get it out of t the house." "I'm trying to-- come get" "Oh." "Uh, this cow." "This cow, yeah, is here." "Aha!" "Dad, I ran that bubble bath" "For you and moolissa like you wanted." "Bubbles!" "I'm not taking a bath with moolissa, randy." "2 days left." "2 days to decide to send that cow to slaughter" "Or admit you're a hypocrite and a murderer." "Wow." "What a movie." "Bob, what a movie." "It's not my movie, teddy." "What, are they just" "Followin' you around with a camera?" "You're in it, you're the star," "But it's not your movie." "Heh." "Good luck, guys." "Will you sign a release?" "Sure." "Do you want my johnk hancock?" "Yeah." "Anywhere?" "No." "O-on the line here." "Better get used to this, huh?" "Gonna be in the movies." "I" "Just on the line." "Just on the line." "Right-- so anywhere?" "Yeah." "No!" "No!" "Where it says signature!" "Ok, what's your name?" "Do you want it to you?" "No, I-- teddy, what are you doing?" "!" "I'm signing here an autograph, bob." "[sighs] one big happy family." "Isn't this nice, all of us here together?" "No." "Are you gonna give me" "A poop tonight?" "Talk to me." "Mmm." "Bob, huh?" "Well, it's nice." "They like each other." "It's good for tina." "Come on." "Just relax and--pbbbt!" "It's all about the communication" "Pbbbt." "Uh-oh." "Hi, moolissa." "[gasps] frowny face?" "All I've been is super nice to you," "And this is the thanks I get?" "I loved you." "I loved you like a horse," "Which is my favorite animal." "You know what?" "Let's just stop" "Before we both say something we'll regret," "Like that horses are better than cows." "I regret that." "But it's true." "Where's the cow?" "I believe you mean, "where's the steer? "" "Yeah." "Don't forget about that penis." "Yeah." "Moolissa?" "Moolissa?" "Ha!" "Cows can go down stairs." "All you need is 4 wool socks," "A mattress, and the will to make it happen." "You didn't." "Your girlfriend is tied up outside." "Uh-oh." "Nooooo" "Oooo..." "What's wrong with dad?" "Oooo..." "I think he hates leashes." "Ooo!" "It's not my fault, randy." "She was stolen." "I mean, it's no one's fault." "Except for linda's." "I did what I had to do" "To protect my family and my carpet." "Yeah, whatever." "So who do we know" "That would steal a cow in a blonde wig?" "Maybe some perverts." "Heh heh." "We had a fight last night, me and moolissa." "I just wish I had a chance to make things right again." "You wouldn't if you heard some of the things she was pooping about you." "Hey, guys!" "Take a look at this!" "[fast-forwarding] ...On the cheap." "[fast-forwarding]" "You fellas just leave her tied up" "Here at night all alone?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "She doesn't mind." "We could just back a trailer right up here, honey, huh?" "We sure could, get ourselves a cow." "Yeah." "Get ourselves a cow." "Yeah." "Get ourselves a c-- [both laughing]" "What a dump." "Yikes." "Hey, there she is." "Oh, dear god." "[gasps] oh, the cow that jumped over the moon." "See, that's nice." "Come on." "Let's go get her." "We should come back after dark." "Why?" "It's more dramatic." "That is stupid." "No." "No, no, no." "I can see it now, the big rescue." "We'll shoot the whole thing in infrared." "Oh, randy, com-- in infrared?" "This is nuts." "The kids should be in bed, bob." "It's infrared, lin." "Show her." "Oh." "Yeah." "Coo!" "Coo!" "Why are you doing that?" "I'm signaling." "Everybody, serpentine." "Gene:" "Yes!" "We're a unit." "Dad, you should know" "If anything happens," "I am in full attack mode right now." "Me, too." "I'm hungry for blood." "And also candy." "Uh, thanks, kids." "Damn it." "I missed the signal to stand up." "Sorry, everybody." "You let down the unit." "I said I'm sorry." "Bob, we're here." "What do we do now?" "We, uh, uh, open the gate." "That was easy." "What do you think you're doing?" "Louise:" "Gene, attack!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "Your children are biting my legs!" "Bob:" "Randy, get moolissa." "Let's move." "[gnawing]" "High-five, bob." "We did it." "High-five, randy." "Nice job." "I mean, we couldn't have done it without the kids biting that woman." "She tasted like sawdust and goats." "3, 2, 1." "Beep." "[buzzer]" "Gene:" "Uh-oh." "Bob, the cow-ntdown's over." "It's time to decide moolissa's fate." "Seriously?" "Right now?" "We just rescued her." "She's due at the slaughterhouse, bob." "What's it gonna be?" "Murderer!" "Louise, shush." "[gasps]" "Randy, can you stop making your stupid movie for one minute" "And just be a human being?" "I don't know, bob." "Can you stop making your stupid burgers" "For one minute and be a human being?" "So now you're gonna guilt-trip me?" "That's what the whole movie is about." "I thought we were friends now, randy, 'cause we saved the cow together!" "Maybe activists- slash-documentarians" "Can't have friends, no matter how many cows they save!" "Well, that's just sad, randy!" "I know!" "[moo] [tires skid]" "Oh, my god." "That was close." "I don't know what I would do if anything" "Happened to moo-- [groans]" "Ahh." "I didn't hit her!" "I didn't hit her!" "I--I stopped!" "She's probably fine." "She's dead." "She must have had a cow heart attack." "No." "You know what?" "Let me get something out of my van real quick." "Be right back." "[starts engine, skids away]" "Moolissa!" "Oh, my god, no." "Don't you die on me." "Don't you die." "Say something!" "Louise, look." "It's a heart," "A heart-shaped poop." "What the hell?" "I didn't do that." "I'm keeping it." "Bob, you all right?" "You look a little pale." "[groans]" "Are we dead?" "I'm dead, bob." "You just fainted." "I fainted?" "Wow." "That's embarrassing." "Ok." "I'm--I'm not a fainter." "Yeah." "I'm--I'm dead." "Right." "Yeah." "But listen." "There's something I want you to do for me." "Make burgers out of me." "What?" "!" "No." "No way." "Yes way, bob." "Look, ever since I met you," "Making burgers makes me feel like a horrible person." "Bob, I'm a castrated steer." "Yeah, I'm a married man." "[both laugh]" "Yeah, I'm kid" "Same thing, right?" "Yeah." "Think about it, though." "I'm a cow, you know?" "We're not wild stallions or humpback whales," "But we wanna feel special, too." "I do, anyway." "You turn me into something amazing." "Wait." "Isn't this my subconscious" "Telling me what I want to hear?" "Hey, no." "You know what?" "Yes, it is, actually." "Well, it's working." "Keep talking." "Kiss me." "No." "I can't do that." "You can, and you want to." "[sighs] ok." "One quick one because I owe you." "Uh, maybe not." "Maybe I--we shouldn't." "Oh, we should, absolutely." "Oh, my god." "What am I doing?" "What are you doing?" "I'm about to kiss a cow." "Yeah." "[harp plays] [kissing]" "Bobby, are you ok?" "What's dad doing with his mouth?" "Looks like he's kissing." "Well, this is awkward." "Somebody put a blanket over it." "Tastes so good." "Ok." "All right." "Kids inside!" "Now!" "Tina:" "Ohh." "[electronic backbeat playing]" "Before moolissa, I used to say it's just beef." "I couldn't have been more wrong." "[bark bark]" "Cows are living creatures" "With beautiful hair and soft brown eyes," "Soft mouths..." "Whoo!" "And also they are beef." "They're the full package." "[moo]" "Does that make me a hypocrite to say that?" "Yes." "No, it doesn't, randy." "Or if it does, I can live with that." "I present our 100,000th burger." "[applause] 100,000th burger!" "All right!" "Right." "Undo the banner." "Bob's burger, 100,000!" "All right!" "Hooray!" "Do the banner." "Here's the banner!" "Here comes the banner!" "I humbly call this the rest in peas burger." "[linda laughs] heh." "Because it, uh, comes with snap peas and carrots." "Thank you." "All right, funeral people," "It's time to party!" "[house music playing]" "Gene dog in the house!" "♪ gene machine ♪" "♪ yeah ♪ ♪ in the house ♪ [echoes] what up?" "What up?" "Get ready..." "Let's get it on." "To get down." "[house music playing]"