"(narrator) ln college football, the NCAA recognizes three divisions." "The highest being Division I, offering full ride scholarship to top athletes with the promise of a pro career." "Division ll offers some scholarships." "Pro careers are less common." "And then there's Division III." "They play football as well." "welcome to channel 57 Sports Talk." "I'm Chet Ryback." "The head coach of the Division I I I PuIIham BIuecocks dies of a heart attack due to cold water shock while the team celebrated the second and final victory of the season." "Let's see what's in the mix with Denny Dawson." "I'm Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here at PuIIham University during this trying time." "The autopsy has said that he could've had a heart attack before the water hit him." "So actually the ice water could've helped numb the pain." "Your thoughts on your football coach's death." "We have a football team?" "Tragedy, what happened to your coach." "Yeah, I know." "almost as tragic as how much I pay you to do nothing." "If they don't produce a winning record next season, it will be the end of the football people." "Due to the circumstances and my knowledge and experience as an AII American," "I am looking forward to resuming coaching responsibilities next year." "Didn't you hear?" "President whistler already hired someone." "What?" "Yes, the formerly unhirabIe coach Rick Vice has been tap" "Wait a minute." "Is it..." "Rick" "Is it Rick Vice the guy who raped all those Pee Wee football players?" "[laughs]" "Oh." "Oh, attempted murder?" "[chuckles]" "please, send an apology letter to the Vice family ASAP." "Boy, is my face red." "Either way, he's been tapped to resurrect the BIuecocks, and boy." "I wish him well." "Are you about ready to wrap up this wet dream of becoming a Division I I I quarterback?" "Do I Iook like a quitter?" "Look like a gerbil." "♫ There once Was a time ♫" "♫ When everyone said Something good about you ♫" "♫ Now the time has gone ♫" "♫ There once Was a time ♫" "♫ When everyone Wanted to be with you ♫" "♫ Now the time has gone ♫" "Take a knee." "[music continues]" "[gasps]" "Hey, little mama, what you doing?" "I'm coaching over at the college." "I'm the head coach." "♫ There once Was a time ♫" "♫ When everyone Wanted to be with you ♫" "♫ Now the time has gone ♫" "You got it." "Hey, where the hell's Mitch?" "Mitch had a Iong night." "[snoring]" "Dude." "You got practice in like five minutes." "Are you still drunk?" "Dude, you gotta be down there." "Come on." "Ah." "Man, you are a sad sight." "I'm practicing." "I'm a backup, dude." "I sit on the bench." "Here." "compliments of my dad." "You better get down there." "The new coach is gonna flip his shit." "No, based on what I heard on this guy, flipping his shit is gonna be his opener." "[blowing whistle]" "AII right, you IaIIygagging motherfuckers." "If you're five minutes early, then you're fifteen minutes late." "Twenty laps around the track." "You got 37 minutes." "[blows whistle]" "Fuck off!" "He's got a gun!" "Run!" "He's got a gun!" "[shoots]" "Coach?" "Check the ass." "Open your legs wide." "Not you, you've had enough of that." "Open your legs wide." "Oh-Ia-Ia." "Martin Luther King." "I'II tell you what." "Everyday's black history month." "Come on, alan, flex your feet more." "Stretch, stretch." "Push like you're coming out of me." "Where the hell you been?" "Uh..." "Lucky Horse?" "You know that's the training bar, right?" "Got a problem with free drinks?" "You'II need to checkout the new trainer." "[all shouting]" "Idiot." "Pick up the pace." "What is this, some kind of aids walkathon?" "[grunts]" "welcome to it." "I'm your new head coach, Rick Vice." "And this quarter ton of fun next to me is your new line coach, Bob DeIgirt." "He also happens to be your nutritionist, which I know is ironical." "(Rick) Now, I've been told by the lady upstairs that if you queers don't have a winning season this year, they're gonna yank the plug on your little football program the way you've been yanking your plugs for the last two, three years." "Why are they gonna yank the plug?" "Shut the fuck up!" "You know where we are?" "We're in a small, private liberal arts college." "Huh?" "They'd rather spend their money on faggoty arts and crafts and such." "Pottery." "nonetheless." "For the next couple and a half months or three, your asses is grasses." "[squeaking]" "And you're the lawn mower." "No, you're the lawn mower." "No, you're the Iawn--what?" "You're the lawn mower 'cause you're gonna cut them." "Doesn't matter." "Fuck it." "I want you to think about two words." "Championship." "You're gonna fuck every team out there." "Hey!" "Name and position, son." "Uh, Mitch DePrima, quarterback." "well, I'm gonna be the judge of that." "DePrima." "It's more like premie, huh?" "Like your mother crapped out a little premie baby." "Let him crawl out." "You vomit on my field?" "My freshly painted plastic field?" "Fuck you!" "Back to me." "I'm from the South." "Went from foster family to orphanage." "I was abused sexually and otherwise." "I am a product of pain and suffering." "And I'm very happy to pass the savings on to you." "And you'II be better men for it 'cause look at me now." "I ain't afraid of nothing." "Coach." "[shouts] Goddammit." "Don't sneak up on me like that." "You spooked me." "Spooked?" "No." "You--you're spooking me." "I wouldn't call you a spook to your face." "[stutters]" "Twenty laps." "Make it thirty." "That's a dirty 30." "Look, I don't wanna tell you how to run your business here and I don't wanna step on any toes, but I would be remiss in my duties if I did not inform you that President whistler" "is preparing a press conference for channel 57 today." "Oh, no, I'm--I'm not good at public speaking." "channel 57, that's the local cable channel that's piped into the hospitals and stuff." "We got this." "Yeah, we got this." "I mean, it's limited press, but apparently we need all the exposure that we can get, which is the only reason that you are here." "Now, if you could just remember that we are a liberal arts college and limit your usage of the "F" word." "Son, football is an "F" word." "No, I understand you--you want me to censorship myself." "AII right, you little maggots." "If you don't pick up the fucking [beep] pace," "I'm gonna rip off your little peckers and shove them up your mother's hot pockets, you little fuck fucks." "[screaching] Fuck!" "AII right, look, I'm just trying to help." "The language, whatever." "But a starter gun, really." "Oh, this?" "This is--this is just rubber bullets, right?" "For crowd control." "[shoots]" "They're hard rubber bullets but listen, these boys ain't made out of crows." "Look, I appreciate you being the-- what is it?" "athletic director." "Yeah, but if I'm gonna need your athletic direction," "I won't, 'cause you see this?" "It says head coach." "No, it just says coach." "If we have to special order anything, it costs us more money." "For exampIe, Bob's quadruple X shirt." "I'm not doing this for my health." "Run!" "We are on a shoe string budget here." "Yeah, I know about your shoe string budget." "I couId wipe my ass this morning with a napkin I pulled out of a diner." "It wasn't exactly infused with aloe." "My ass is." "This ass is pink." "I don't know what color your ass is." "[door closes]" "Hey." "I don't pay you 1 0 bucks an hour to drink 20 bucks an hour." "Sorry, it was just a rough first day." "The new coach is a nightmare." "Pretty much hates me already." "Shocker." "You're not that likable." "That's horrible." "You like me, right?" "You're a decent kid, but like most college kids, you're lazy, you're spoiled, alcoholics." "Come on, have I ever not shown up to work?" "Anybody can show up, but look at this display." "How many times have I asked you to organize this?" "You gotta start taking pride in what you do." "Otherwise you're gonna wake up in 20 years and realize you got nothing to show for yourself." "Is that what happened to you?" "[laughs]" "Bitch, I own a business." "I make six figures a year." "You have to work your ass off to end up like me." "I got a 401 k account." "I got an I RA account." "I put money into the Forex Autopilot." "Do you even know what support save is?" "I don't either, but these are cash machines." "I got a time share in Turks  Caicos." "Out back I got a garage, is it a garage?" "No." "One-bedroom apartment with a jerry-rigged bathroom." "I rent it out." "At home, do I've kids?" "Do I have an ex-wife sucking money out of me?" "Zero." "I got a goldfish and I got a hamster named Mr. Bunny." "Okay, I'm sorry." "Look, if you don't wanna play, don't play." "You don't wanna work here, quit." "But don't haIf-ass it." "Life's not gonna just fly in and hand you a golden ticket." "This world is run by greedy, seIf-serving morons." "hello and good evening." "Thank all of you for coming out tonight." "My name is Georgia Anne whistler." "[whistles] And I am the proud president here at PuIIham University." "Many great minds passed through these here walls." "julia stiles, as a for instance." "She managed to come here for sometimes a semester or given." "This is also the proud home of the BIuecocks!" "(guy) Losers." "well, that's a point well taken and we'II file that under, what?" "Okay." "well, if anything, this is the point where we all sit there and get really excited about introducing our new coach, Rick Vice." "[rock music] [squeaking]" "Okay." "We'II go ahead and field some questions." "Denny Dawson." "Coach Vice, Denny "D-Dog" Dawson, co-anchor investigator Channel 57 news." "You know, I'm looking at your history here." "You got attempted murder" "Thank you very much for bringing up my very colorful past." "You're a journalist?" "I thought you were a weatherman." "Fifteen years ago I did a stint as a weatherman, yes." "(Whistler) That was good weather that year." "You wore a suit with little lightning bolts on it." "How do you have the authority to ask me anything?" "The fact of the matter is, you've never had a winning season, have you?" "You have a sketchy past." "You are a violent man." "No, I am not!" "Oh, I got it." "Yes, I have done some funny things in my past, but I've done my time." "You see, I'm-I'm a good man, and I plan on taking this team to the top." "We're gonna keep this program alive, and we are going to ge" "get some." "Get some?" "Go every time so others," "mm, so go every time so others may every time." "Get some!" "(man) Fuck you!" "I'm sorry, who said that?" "I did." "Everyone shut your assholes." "I got this one." "I got this one." "Sit down." "You think you can take me?" "No." "I know I can." "[chuckles]" "Then why don't you step up into the gauntlet, bitchnuts?" "I couId use something to wipe my ass." "(guy whispers) Don't do it." "You know, this man here and I , we have somethin' in common." "Oh, yeah?" "What was that?" "We were both inside your mother." "[grunts]" "Oh, did you see that?" "He threw the first-- [piano sounds]" "Done yet Liberace?" "[groans]" "Don't get up, Bobby." "I got this one." "Better give up, old man." "Oh, that's funny." "You know who else said that to me?" "Yeah, who?" "Your mother!" "[rock music]" "Like a dangerous rubber band, isn't he?" "(Rick) Were you not entertained?" "This is exactly the kind of thing that is gonna get us some publicity." "We got the crazy coach, right?" "Then of course there's the young sultry female president of the university." "It gives me chills." "How was this guy staging a fight at a press conference gonna benefit the football program?" "You raise eyebrows, you raise admissions." "I'm thinking of getting a tattoo right there on the small of my back." "Do you know that this guy attempted to murder an entire Pee Wee football team?" "He has no business coaching." "[blowing whistle]" "You hold out of here." "Keep your hand down." "On top of your head is the hardest part of your body!" "Thanks, coach." "Dude, that's gonna break your neck." "No, I'm gonna break your neck." "Dammit, my leg!" "Come on now, no sex on the field, girls." "Ten." "Yeah, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice passes." "You can't just be a penis with an arm." "You gotta move fast." "We're gonna be running the options, so you gotta be quick on your feet." "Look at me." "I got a gimpy leg and I'm moving faster than you." "Like a hive of Mexicans swarming around a work truck in front of a Home Depot." "You want drywall?" "You want me to paint?" "Hut." "Fuck!" "You bent my shades." "Bitch!" "Let me tell you somethin'." "I don't play favorites. I don't care what color you are, what country your parents swam out of." "I don't care what all Baba you go down on." "I don't care if you like slits or dicks!" "Because the best player, plays." "Period." "No, strike that." "exclamation point." "Run it again." "Guys, our table's ready." "Come when you're ready." "Excuse me, excuse me." "Coming through." "Thank you, thank you." "Hey." "What's going on?" "I think I sprained my ankle." "Man, I never thought a team would be this beat up before the season starts." "You find anything down there you let me know, okay?" "I didn't see anything." "Right, thanks." "I'm, uh, I'm Mitch." "Jennifer." "That hurts." "You're a transfer or?" "No, I'm not a student." "I just work here." "I'm hoping to get into the Med program" "College football, baby." "Shock the nation." "Shock the nation?" "Nobody knows who we are." "What's his story?" "Joe Jansen?" "Captain six, seven years." "Gets hit in the head a Iot." "Great guy." "Hey." "You got any Vicodin?" "No, I don't have Vicodin." "Percocet." "Percodan?" "Xanax?" "Oxycotin?" "No." "You know what?" "I have some midol on my purse." "Give it to me." "That's pussy pills." "My sister takes that when she's on the rag." "Dude, my head's on the rag." "Give me six." "Here are two." "Give me one." "That's cute." "You guys are on the same cycle?" "Ow." "Whoa, whoa." "Take it easy on bitch." "I mean Mitch." "You're gonna need that arm for the scout team." "Oh!" "I'm glad you're here, brother." "I don't want to spend my last season dependent on cry heart over here." "Just out of curiosity, how many last seasons have you had?" "legally I can play eight." "I don't believe we've met." "I'm tyler Keys." "Starting quarterback." "You need something?" "Your number?" "But you can give that to me later." "I'll see you out on the field or off the field." "'Cause you don't play." "Oh, I got that." "Shock the nation." "Nation?" "Nation." "That is the reason I will never date a football player." "Good for me." "I don't play." "Right." "Sorry." "Don't be." "Division I I I , it's like one step up from Nerf." "So, honestly, if you don't care, why do you do it?" "Why put yourself through this?" "You some kind of masochist or something?" "Like how?" "Oh, you're in big trouble now." "[laughing] [blowing whistle]" "Here it comes." "Got one." "We're kebab now." "welcome to the fall." "You little maggots." "Come on." "Run, you little corn bat." "Run." "I got you." "Get some." "Get some." "[laughing]" "Who's next?" "I'm fixing to make me a faggot shish kebab." "You little quarterback." "After the mohawk kid." "I didn't say stop." "Coach." "You are breaking NCAA regulations." "These boys should've been hydrated and off this field hours ago." "You got a problem, write me a letter." "So I have something to wipe my ass with." "Coach Vice don't care much about hydration." "I'II tell you why." "When he was a boy back at the orphanage, the nuns accidentally sealed him inside a wall cavity, crawl space type situation, during renovation." "To survive, he drank his own piss for a week-and-a-haIf." "He's trying to get me to work that into the whole nutritional program, which I have mixed feelings about." "You and I both know that I can't report this to the board 'cause they will just shut this program down." "But if I cannot rein that psychopath in, these boys will implode." "And for the record, my boys will not be drinking their own piss." "I don't care what you two do." "I did say I had mixed feelings about it." "How is Roy Goodwyn not coaching?" "You know he was AII American?" "I don't know but my body's pissed." "What the hell is he doing here?" "Keep your head on a swivel, boy." "Got ya!" "Hey." "Why don't you hang back, preemie?" "I want to talk at you." "Okay." "What's wrong with them?" "Does my tan line make them uncomfortable?" "It's what's between the lines." "You ever hear the late great coach Boo VenaIs?" "No." "He'd shower with us." "He used to say, "It's my soap, it's my meat." "I wash it as fast as I want."" "Get it?" "It's a masturbation joke." "It's funny." "Poor VenaIs." "I'm going with tyler." "Starting quarterback." "Yeah, I figured." "You okay with that?" "Do you care?" "No." "But I'II tell you what." "You're number two, so you'd better be ready." "'Cause I'm gonna be watching you real close like." "You're gonna be like a hobo on a freight train." "I'm gonna ride you day and night." "WouIdn't that make you the hobo?" "What do you mean?" "Hobos ride trains." "Yeah, okay, but no, no." "I'm the freight train and you're the hobo." "That's how I see it." "I couId be the tracks." "Why don't you leave the imagery to me?" "Whipping out your emily Dickinson here." "We're done." "Good practice out there, boys." "Way to go beyond the pain." "[snorting]" "Ah, shit." "Hang on." "[snorting]" "Chihuahua." "How can I help you?" "You're fired." "This is 1 00% pure whey protein." "You understand?" "highly absorbable through the nasal cavities." "I burned out the lining in my large intestines." "So, this is protein?" "That's right, sir." "20 grams, 3 1 /2 times a day." "What can I do you for, Mr. Man Who Comes ln Without Knocking?" "I'm not sure if you're aware, but over half of our team is either on reserve or they've quit." "And we haven't even played one game, yet." "It's called trimming the fat, Roy, clearing the riffraff." "Ironman style football." "Ain't that right, Bobby?" "Shit, yeah." "Did you get me extra napkins there, boy?" "Sure did." "Good man." "Thank you." "Give me a high five there." "Ow!" "Look, BIuecocks have been around since 1 875." "Ooh, I Iove the '70s." "Smoking grass, bell bottoms, daisy chain 1 875." "Look, we may not be as high profile as the Division I teams, but we play the same game." "Only these boys aren't here on scholarships or trying to get in the NFL or on TV." "They're here for the love of the game, so please just remember that." "(Rick) All right, ladies, let's bring it in." "Meet me down in the southeast corner." "Come on." "Righty." "Now, I probably don't need to be telling you this, but football is like a good old fashion pot of American gumbo." "All kinds of spicy ingredients mixed together all in the name of flavor." "You know what I'm tasting, Bobby?" "Okra?" "No." "No, I taste victory." "And I Iook around and I think we got a spicy team." "blacks and whites." "blacks and Mexicans." "Oh, hell, there's a Iot of blacks." "We even got a 9/1 1 islam." "Now, son, I ain't holding it against you but what you did to our country was fucked up." "I'm French-Irish." "Zip it, camel fucker." "Fuck you." "I don't usually do this, but" "Bobby, can you-can you lead us in a non-denominationaI prayer?" "Everybody bow your head." "I ain't much for one speeching on the Lord, but..." "I will say this." "[shouts] Jesus loves football." "He had a whole team himself." "The disciples played football against them Roman soldiers." "And they did." "But I'II tell you somethin' else." "There's been a whole hell of a lot of talk about this here" "Darwinism," ""eviIution" I call it." "I don't know about you, but my Jesus, he didn't slay those philistines with the jawbone of a brontosaurus rex." "And Moses, when he crossed that Dead Sea, he didn't do it on the wings of a pterodactyl." "It was the Holy Land." "It weren't Jurassic Park." "This is bullshit." "Bobby, okay." "Now, thank you." "Amen, amen, everybody." "Amen." "Let's bring it in." "I'II drop some wisdom on you." "Now, listen up." "There's a Iot of people out there in the stands." "So, I'm gonna need you all to keep your heads together." "We're gonna remain calm." "We're gonna remain cool." "And we're gonna remain collected." "Run, kick." "Hit somebody." "Are you tackling me?" "I don't have a football in my hand." "Are you tackling me?" "asshole!" "I'll tackle you!" "Strike it down." "pull your fan and quit." "I've not been down to the field before." "I didn't realize there was no dome." "You had any raisins?" "Raisins?" "How about a date?" "Oh, my God." "Hey, hey, hey, excuse me, little lady." "Quit staring at her ta-tas and lock it in." "I'm not going back in for eight seconds of garbage time after this shit show." "tell Mitch to take a knee." "Mitch, strap it on." "Yeah, Mitch, strap it on." "It's your big moment." "You get the fuck outta here permanently." "Your mom's permanently." "What?" "Fuck this." "Whoo-hoo." "Go Cocks!" "Can you put me down, please?" "Here's what you're gonna call." "Explode the open left." "Lester 58." "Laser-breaker." "Veer-option right." "Don't shit the bed." "Hey, guys." "Uh, okay, give me a trip right, flip C-razor." "Uh, breaker." "22C options." "What's he saying?" "Give me a post." "What the fuck are you doing out there, a little sewing circle?" "Ready?" "[blowing whistle]" "Seventy-seven." "Give me some room bitches." "Okay?" "Don't wanna hurt, baby." "Ninety." "What the fuck is he running?" "[people cheering]" "[cheering]" "That's a point." "Piss the can, niggers." "You guys see that pass?" "We just lost, dumbass." "You guys saw it, right?" "Yes." "So?" "Yeah, I guess everybody saw your pass." "You saw my pass?" "Sweet pass." "It was a nice pass." "It was right in" "You!" "I called a run play." "explode to the open left." "Switch C-short." "Lester" "Chester." "No, I wrote-- [indistinct arguing]" "It's not three files up, you dumb idiot." "Now, do you understand the play and you're just being an insubordinate prick?" "Or do you not understand the play 'cause you're a fucking retard?" "Uh-- [mumbles]" "You can't talk now?" "You-you're mute?" "You're a little, little mute girl." "We got that old little blind, deaf, mute girl." "old yeller." "What's her name?" "kelly YeIIer." "old helen YeIIer." "[laughing]" "Don't you guys mean helen keller?" "No!" "We mean old helen YeIIer." "I'm pretty sure it's" "Dude, pull the fucking trigger." "pull it." "Pull the trigger, boy." "Pull the fucking trigger." "Give me one reason." "I want in, I want out." "I want out permanently." "Give it to me." "Get some." "Do it." "Get some." "I knew you didn't have the nuts." "You think you are the big swinging dick around here?" "You got lucky." "Lucky!" "Go soak in." "Go, have your fun." "This is back to the bench for you, boy." "Hey." "I didn't say it was a bad pass." "Put the knife away, Bobby." "You did good, coach." "real good." "[blowing whistle]" "What the hell is that?" "(Rick on megaphone) Wake up now, motherfuckers." "The past go beyond the pain." "Wake up now." "The pain and then go beyond." "Not worth it." "Dude, you are such a little bitch." "You have no idea how lucky you are." "Dude, come to one practice and tell me that." "This is Division I I I ." "He's treating it like D-1 Navy seals." "The guy is a psycho." "I think he might be clinically insane, like clinically." "Do you really have a problem with him making you exercise?" "I'm five-foot nothing." "My coach just turned me into a flier." "Do you know what that is?" "That's the little girl that gets thrown around like a rag doll." "I'm trying to sleep." "The next time you're in practice, look over to the sideline and you'II catch me flying around in the air with my skirt up and my pussy hanging." "I don't get it." "I would trade my pom-poms for your helmet any day." "Remember in high school?" "You were the starting quarterback." "Captain of the team." "Loving the game." "Loving the life." "Where is that guy?" "I miss him." "He was fun." "You know what I remember?" "Practice, lunch meetings, the taste of mud." "And as much as I wanted it, never having that last minute drive to win the game." "That guy's gone, man." "He burned out." "You can't transfer schools in the middle of the semester." "Spence had them back-date my registration." "Quarterback tore his ACL, so looks like my last season is gonna suck less than yours." "Say bye to Vice for me." "Why don't you say bye to Vice yourself?" "Bye." "Check this out." "Hey, I know you from somewhere." "Gorden Spence, head coach of the Cougars." "rivals." "rivalry usually means there's competition." "Cougars have been eating Cocks for breakfast since the early '90s." "And with this cartoon coach, you should consider it a win if you score two points against us." "Pipe down." "Ain't you out of your jurisdiction?" "I've done my homework on this guy." "He's the worst kind of coach." "A control freak with no clue." "Takes the first team pocket passer and runs the option with him." "He's gonna drive this program into the ground." "Listen out, mister-mister funny maroon shirt" "How many losses have you got?" "'Cause I got one college loss on my record." "It's 'cause you never coached a college, idiot." "Okay." "You little shrunk nutted maggoty fuck stick." "AII right, don't make a scene." "Oh." "Haven't you heard the news?" "Scene Maker is my middle name." "I thought it was nelson." "Shut the fuck up." "And you know what I think we need up in this bitch right about now?" "A good oId-fashioned food fight!" "Food fight." "food fight?" "Food fight." "What, y'aII never fought food before?" "Bobby, Iet's get the fuck out of here." "congratulations." "Looks like you'II be throwing me the ball again." "[knocking on door]" "(Mitch) Coach?" "Hang on." "Eighteen, nineteen, twenty." "Twenty-one." "Jackpot!" "What's going on?" "Were you sleeping?" "No, I was working out." "You just got something here." "Oh." "Yeah, that's-that's my cape." "I wear a cape when I work out." "I do what's called superhero push-ups." "Look, I just wanted to apologize about Saturday." "I don't need your apology." "I have some ideas about" "I don't certainly don't need your ideas." "I've been meaning to talk to you." "You know how on every team there's a player or two that has natural ability?" "Yeah, yeah." "That ain't you." "You're gonna have to work extra hard just to be below mediocre." "I did throw a touchdown." "Yeah, against a scrub defense, and you were still a dick hair away from getting picked." "More than not, that kind of gun slinging bullshit is gonna cost turnovers." "And we need someone steady." "Coach, I-I just wanna play." "I'm trying to Iearn a new system here." "It just doesn't help when you're grilling me all the time." "If I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't waste my breath grilling you." "It's when I get quiet that you should start to worry." "I'm the best quarterback you got." "That's shit." "Here's what you are." "You're a bobblehead quarterback." "Look at me." "I'm a quarterback and I don't wanna do any of the work." "And that, my friend, is how you get replaced by a Mexican." "So you're going with Hernandez." "Yeah." "So looks like it's gonna be taco Tuesdays every day." "I ain't here to win friends." "I'm here to win games." "Get to your sewing class." "[shouting]" "[blowing whistle]" "Ah!" "Get it." "Set." "Hut." "Son of a bitch!" "What was the coverage on that last play?" "[laughs]" "Your attitude sucked, boy." "You better get it together." "You son of a bitch." "Beavers." "Get over here." "Come here." "That is exactly what this program needs." "Get it, get it, get it." "Ooh, beyond the pain." "Son of a bitch." "[grunts]" "clipboard." "We're out." "Get some." "I would not wanna be you right now, I'II tell you that." "AII right." "We are O and four." "I ain't no math magician." "But that does not look like a winning equation." "It looks like a losing equation, and that's you, the loser." "Your zero equals you." "There you are." "Oh, there's your helmet." "Skinny little [indistinct]" "You're holding a box of girl scout cookies there." "All minted chocolaty, faggoty wafer." "You're just walking around." "Those are supposed to be your feet, not your nuts." "'Cause you ain't got nuts!" "'Cause I look out on that field and I don't know if I'm watching a ball game or a goddamn ballet recital, pirouetting around like goddamn fairies." "Ah, what the hell." "Y'aII are gonna be up to your poop shoots in blood and guts soon enough anyways." "I don't know why the fuck I came." "But if you want to maintain any sort of dignity, you're gonna have to pull your motherfucking heads out of your mother's motherfucking cunts." "And get" "some." "AII right?" "And remember what that stands for." "Go, uh, give every time support our" "should be support our troops." "Meet, Iike a track meet, not the kinda meat y'aII are sucking on." "Yeah, "emmidiateIy."" "Oh, is that funny to you?" "You know, that's it." "I don't have any more time for y'all." "Oh, there's one more thing." "(Bobby) All right, that's about it for tonight." "Let's go hit them showers." "Are you playing, son?" "Shock the nation." "Hey, what are you up to?" "Uh, just working on my six pack." "I'm trying to beef up so that the Cougar takes me off of flying duties." "Hey, if I flex, will I Iook more cut?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "It looks nice." "Who are you talking to?" "Oh, my trainer." "Wanna watch a Saints game?" "Take a shot every time they mention Katrina?" "Oh, no." "Last time I did that, I blacked out." "Oh, sweet." "I'II call you back." "AII right." "Later." "What's up?" "What are you doing?" "We're gonna get something to eat." "We--you and those guys?" "Hey, two girls." "It's two girls together." "Yeah." "We're on the same team." "I don't expect you to understand that." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I've seen you on a sideline." "We have a bad play, you're pissed." "We have a good play and you're pissed." "What side are you on?" "What si-I'm on the sideline." "I'm not doing" "Stop complaining!" "I'm not catching any passes." "blocking is not gonna get me to the next level." "You don't see me on a sideline going all TO." "I'm not going TO." "I'm not signing babies" "You're whining more than Mike Vick's puppies." "I'm not whining- [whining]" "I don't wanna be the one to tell you that you only think about yourself." "I'm not even gonna tell you that you're acting like a bitch right now 'cause I don't even cuss ." "You just did." "Boo VenaIs, please." "Booby, it's Rick." "Who?" "Rick Vice." "Coach Vice." "Oh, you're coaching again?" "Yeah." "Listen, uh, about that, I need" "I need a little mentoring." "Mentor?" "Shit, I couldn't mentor you." "You stop pissing the bed, boy." "Oh, are we gonna" "Oh, this is coming from a man that's got a "coIostopy" tube shoved up his Jimmy Wang?" "Sir?" "Can I please have my phone back now?" "Can you give me a minute, young lady?" "Listen, if I don't turn this program around" "I'm doing everything, you know, that you did with us and it ain't working." "You--you cut off the water?" "Yeah, I don't give them a drop." "What about bait and switch?" "Yeah." "Physical abuse?" "Some coaches got it, and others don't." "You're all about the reins, about the horse." "You can pull but the horse gotta walk on its own." "I don't understand." "Am I the horse or am I the reins?" "Son, you're the jackass and you're gonna burn that program to the ground." "Good evening." "I'm standing outside of what used to be the University of PuIIham's equipment room with newly appointed Head Coach, Rick Vice." "I am the Head Coach." "Yes." "And President Georgia Anne whistler." "Coach, what happened here?" "There was a fire." "Yes, and how did the fire start, sir?" "(Rick) Bobby?" "Must've been our rivals." "The Cougars?" "What was in the equipment room, sir?" "Equipment." "Yes." "And how do you-- So, a Iot of equipment." "small animals." "They found bones of baby animals." "You kept baby animals in the equipment room?" "That was a mascot." "Blue cock." "Very rare bird." "The question remains." "How are you gonna fulfill the rest of the season with no equipment?" "Coach Vice, whatever you need, you have my full support." "So Pullham will replace the equipment?" "absolutely." "I've got the equipment to prove it." "Good evening." "I'm Denny Dawson." "You're starting again?" "No." "You said good evening." "Let's start again." "That's my job." "They're killing our babies." "I know that." "Can you guys-- I'm Denny Dawson." "Good night." "We're off now." "Seriously though, we just can't afford to replace that equipment." "What about insurance?" "deductibles and premiums and the like." "But you said anything we need you would provide." "well, you know, you gotta razzIe-dazzIe them." "[laughs]" "Bobby." "How is the equipment coming?" "We're talking about over $30,000 worth of equipment for just five more games?" "We might as well just call it quits while we're still behind." "So that's it?" "We just pack it up?" " What do you care?" "You show up drunk if you show up at all." "Your attitude sucked, boy." "You better get it together." "Don't, haIf-ass." "We need something steady!" "You're gonna need that arm for the scout team." "Oh, KeIIen YeIIer." "You have no idea how lucky you are." "Dude, stop stealing my laundry quarters." "Is it a good book?" "Sure." "Have you read it?" "No." "Have this back by Wednesday." "What?" "Nothing." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "What am I doing in the library?" "Or did you mean that as an existential question?" "I don't--I don't know what existential means." "And yet you to get to play student and I don't." "Wow." "You wanna talk about it?" "I don't wanna bore you with my problems." "It's just I've been playing for 1 2 years, you know." "I was recruited by a much bigger school." "I was led to believe if I came here, I'd play." "Big fish, small pond, huh?" "Big fish still gotta swim." "Besides, I didn't think you cared this much about playing or anything really." "I guess pretending to not care is easier than accepting that you're not good enough." "football's what I'm supposed to be good at." "I just don't want it to end like this, you know." "Yeah." "Sounds like you really have it rough." "Look, if it's not working out for you, you have to change it up." "Otherwise you're like a fly trying to get out a window." "Insane?" "Annoying." "Like you have to work for the good stuff." "That's what makes it good." "Even if it lasts for just a moment." "You know I was talking about football, right?" "Dance of Shiva." "Oh, there it is." "Good." "I am always three feet from this door wherever I am in the trailer." "I told you you don't have to knock so" "Wha--how can I help you?" "We need to talk." "You know, it's not so bad in there." "That's a 55 Airstream." "Vintage." "Thing's worth like 1 0 or 20 grand if you buff it out." "No, it's not." "If you buff it out, yeah, it is." "Anyways, it's just a temporary living situation till I get back on my feet." "That's all." "You don't have to worry about me." "You ever heard of a coach named Boo VenaIs?" "He was the guy who put a kid on a coma from over exertion, right?" "Yeah, he put a kid in a coma, but he also made that kid tough enough to pull himself out of that coma." "Where're you going with this?" "He raised me." "Him and crystal." "My fifth foster family." "Boobs." "I would see him year after year take a group of misfits, and they would band together in their hatred against him." "Yeah, but people remember him as being a terrible coach and" "They remember him." "I wanna be remembered." "I don't know about you, but I'd Iike to be remembered." "It doesn't matter how you are remembered." "I'm remembered." "Ricky." "Ricky." "Did you pick up the garbage?" "No, you didn't." "This is not a free ride!" "Yeah, it's basically free." "I Iive in a trailer, crystal, but thank you." "And what about your fat friend?" "He ate up all of my ginger snaps." "And you know my rule about bringing--Oh my." "You're a handsome black fellow, aren't you?" "Do you take vitamins?" "Maybe I should let you try one of my... herbal supplements some day." "For the wieners." "I'm-I'm fine." "That'II be enough." "crystal, please, I'm in the middle of a meeting." "Oh, well, I have some business to do with your friend." "I bet you have a big black wiener, don't you?" "Thank you." "I'm-I'm-you know, she's not quite right." "Maybe we should do this at another time." "Do what?" "No, you wanna do this, Iet's do it right now." "DePrima is family friends with an alum who can give us equipment to finish the rest of the season." "But I will be adding myself to the coaching staff." "I was an AII American." "I can help the defense." "I knew you'd pull that out of your black pocket." "Uh, back pocket?" "That, too." "AII right." "Look, Big John is a PuIIham alumni." "It's useful." "He's made a couple donations to the athletic department." "You okay?" "I'm fine." "This is a whole other deal." "Damn small car." "[overlapped talking]" "Roy!" "Goddamn good to see you." "This must be the illustrious Coach Vice." "We can wait till you're off the phone." "I'm off the phone." "This thing just locks up on me sometimes." "Oh, damn." "I'm Big John Schwartz." "How are you doing?" "Schwartz the name and "Shports" is the game." "Oh, yeah, I get it 'cause you own a "shports shtore."" ""Shports." Yeah." "This is my wife, Junebug." "She's taking care of some business down there." "Just kidding." "You're staring at my wife's tits?" "No, sir." "Why not?" "That's what I got them for." "We clear?" "Go ahead." "Grab one." "Oh, no." "They're right here." "Come on. "ShpectacuIar."" "Honey, go get these fellas some of those snackadoodles." "Roy tells me you're an alumni." "Cock for life." "class of 1 984 back when conference titles and undefeated seasons were the norm." "Right." "We're working on that." "Rick and I just came here to check on the equipment situation." "That situation is dependent upon your situation with my situation." "Oh, I'm sure we can work with your situation." "I wasn't aware that you had a situation." "What's his situation?" "My son being on your team." "We could use a little size." "AII right." "He's just like his old man." "Now, if he's out of line, go ahead and feel free to kick his ass." "Go ahead and grab one." "Food." "Oh, they're still frozen." "Honey, you gotta heat them up." "Oh, no, they're precooked." "That's not what that means." "Thank you for your generosity." "Takes a couple of minutes." "I'II call you later." "Thanks again." "We look forward to that equipment "shports" with the shorts." ""Shports" is the game." "Bobby?" "Bobby, get in the car." "[mixed voices]" "(Rick) High heels there, ladies." "Goddamn high heels." "If that foot goes to swelling up, I want you to put some ice on it." "[laughing]" "What do we have here?" "Son, this is a football locker room for football players." "I know, sir." "I'm on the team." "You're on the team?" "Son, I shit bigger than you." "I'm sure you do." "What the hell's your name anyway?" "Got no hobbits on my roster." "alien Schwartz." "alien Schwartz." "AIIen-AIIen Schwartz?" "As in Schwartz Sports?" "Son, it's good to have you aboard." "Short people are cool." "I Iove short people." "I Iove them to death." "Those little midgets in the circus are cool." "And the wrestlers and they're athletes." "And Doug Flutie." "He was a little old bitty popcorn farty." "He was a real good football player." "adolf hitler." "Lot of people don't know this." "He was a short dude." "Look at the accomplishments he made." "So, suit up there." "Short Sports." "AII right, my friend." "I don't care." "No, no time out." "call the time out." "Hernandez can do this." "He's a little jumping bean." "He's been running [indistinct]" "Go!" "Hut." "I got you." "I got you." "[cheering] [blowing whistle]" "Here he is." "Jansen." "little Jansen." "Go." "You can get it back." "Get it back!" "Guess the secret ain't in the bean." "Fuck you, coach." "What?" "Coach, coach, coach, he's throwing the hitch." "Yeah, I know that signal." "Travis!" "Travis!" "No." "What the hell?" "Hut." "[cheering]" "Seventy-two." "One, seventy-two." "[cheering]" "Hut." "[cheering]" "You shut up." "[cheering]" "Good game." "Run, Forrest!" "Run!" "[groans] [cheering]" "[players cheering]" "Shock the nation." "Shock the nation!" "I told you Goodwyn knows his shit." "[all cheer]" "Everybody, I can't pass." "[laughter]" "Get some." "Grab everyone's titties." "[laughter]" "That was a hell of a game." "Yeah." "We won." "Roy won." "We won." "No, listen." "They're all praising him" "like he's that gigaboo Jesus, and I'm the one that toughened them up." "[stammers]" "It's not fair." "It's just not fair." "I don't wanna talk about it." "The defense's been winning for us." "But if this is about ego." "It's not about ego." "It's about the fact that I did it." "I'm the head coach." "I just feel under appreciated, that's all." "That's all." "I-I'm fine." "You ain't doing nothing different." "It's the same old story." "You push people away before you get to know if they like you or not." "That's what old Sigmund Freud called a defensive mechanism." "And for you, the best offense is a good defensive mechanism." "Freud." "Are you saying because I'm offensive?" "I don't get it." "But I've heard of Sigmund Freud." "Because he's the one that fucked his mother." "That's how I know about him." "You're gonna be fine." "The doctor says it's not a disease." "It's just a syndrome." "AI DS is a syndrome, you fucking dumbass." "The "S" stands for it." "[loud music]" "(all) Go, go, go, go." "[all cheering]" "What the fuck?" "Hey." "I'm Mitch." "I Iike your mouth." "[cheering]" "[shouting and laughing]" "Hey." "Douche." "Hey." "What's going on?" "I didn't think I'd see you around here." "Oh, yeah, I'm babysitting a friend of the family." "She's a prospective student, so I thought I'd try to show her a good time." "Oh." "Thanks." "Um, Mitch, this is carl." "Hey." "I'm sorry, do you mind if I talk to her for a second?" "No." "Why don't you ask the lady?" "It's a nice watch." "Maybe when you grow up, you can have one." "You know what, carl?" "It's okay." "We're just gonna talk." "So, your sport coat?" "Excuse me?" "I just thought we had something, you know." "Uh, yeah, apparently." "We're friends." "So, you're just walking around with carl." "No, I don't give a shit about carl." "Oh, sorry, I just mean, you know," "I'm not looking for a boyfriend or anything like that." "Hey, I'm not, either." "Get it?" "[laughs] That's good." "Look, we just work together." "Who is your friend?" "We-she's, uh, we work together, too." "really, where?" "What's her name?" "Uh, Sarah." "Jessica." "Parker!" "It's, uh" "Look, it's a frat party." "people make out at frat parties." "What do you care about student affairs anyway?" "You're not a student." "Oh, right, 'cause I don't have a hundred grand to spend on my college education, right?" "I hope that's okay with you." "I didn't mean-- Oh, Je--AIan." "Alan?" "[hip-hop music]" "Dude!" "Dude, I'm so wasted." "Wait, Stacey!" "I'm sorry, he's a lightweight." "Did someone tell him that she's only 1 6?" "I don't think he needs encouragement." "Look, I'm sorry about" "There's your mouth." "That's the worst timing ever." "Can we get out of here?" "What about Stacey?" "I think she can take care of herself." "Sorry to crash your party." "I have a Range Rover." "Don't leave with sport coat." "Isn't that tyler?" "Hey!" "Ooh." "Hey." "What's your problem, man?" "You hear something sounding like a mosquito shitting himself?" "Rivalry things are so stupid." "What are you doing?" "Take a seat, Mitch." "It's what you're best at." "We don't want any trouble." "Hey." "Why don't you steroid fags get outta here before I stomp your guts out?" "[laughter]" "What the fuck?" "settle down, peanut." "He's on your side." "Whoa, whoa, take it easy." "It's exactly what they want." "Funny." "You act like one of those "turn the other cheek" queers, but we all know you're just chicken shit." "I can't wait to get you out on that field and fuck your ass." "Hey, Mitch, you know why they're called the Cougars?" "Because the name dildo loving pussy ass" "Hey, hey!" "Pick on somebody your own size, huh?" "Like you?" "No." "Like me." "Excuse me." "Stand down, old man." "[clears throat]" "I'II tell you what, sonny." "Why don't you go ahead and try and kick this old man's ass?" "Jesus, Vice, I'm gonna fuck you up." "pull the trigger." "You heard me." "pull the trigger." "pull the trigger." "Pull the fucking trigger." "Pull it." "Pull the trigger." "pull the trigger, moron." "Go ahead." "I have two-and-a-haIf strikes against me." "Somebody pull the fucking trigger." "[Vice screeches] [all shouting]" "Get some." "hold on a minute." "You wouldn't hurt an old man with a gimpy leg, would you?" "[loud music]" "AII right, party's over." "I'm gonna use this." "AII right, you motherfuckers, if you don't stop," "I will blow your fucking brains out, you rich, socialist commie liberals." "[all shouting]" "Get the fuck outta here." "Uh, I got into a bit of a scuffle last night, so if you could focus your healing energies right on my gIutinous ass I wouId-- [clears throat]" "Oh." "hello, Roy." "How long have you been sitting there eye-fucking me?" "Why do you always do this to yourself?" "Do what?" "Get a massage?" "No." "Oh, you're talking about last night." "Last night?" "I'm talking about your whole life." "Do you think I fuck up on purpose?" "Do you think I wake up every morning and say, hey, how can I fuck up today?" "I don't think you understand me." "I care about football." "And I care about these kids." "Oh, Iike that Pee Wee team you almost killed." "Hang on a minute." "I did not try to kill those kids." "That was a misunderstanding." "I thought GH B was a recovery drink." "Like amino acids for your healthiness." "Hey, you guys." "Come." "[blows whistle]" "Right." "There you go." "Grab a cup everybody." "Drink yourself." "Hydration." "Pee Wee, what-- Come on, get up." "What's going on here, you bunch of lazy sons of a--Get up." "holy Jesus, come on." "Joey." "Joey." "[blows whistle]" "Joey, please, get up for me." "please!" "That was years ago." "Just keep on meditating." "And none of those kids died." "It was an honest man's mistake, and as much as it haunts me, that incident is gonna work to my advantage 'cause now I'm the crazy nutso." "Get it?" "Georgia Anne hired me because I'm a spectacle." "I'm a head turner." "well, if it's a song and dance they're looking for, then it's a song and dance that they're gonna get." "obviously you don't care about your career, but I do care about mine." "So, for this last game," "channel 57 is coming and there's gonna be a Iot of publicity." "If you could just contain yourself." "Yes, I will do my best to-to be on my best behavior." "Nice talking to you, Roy." "This is not his personal brothel." "would you please put on some clothing?" "Preemie." "Preemie!" "Lost the chain." "Nice shiner." "Thanks." "I mean, shut the fuck up." "By the way, you mean to hit me in that fight?" "No." "No, I just couldn't see you." "AII right." "[clears throat] I've been watching the game film on the Cougars." "Their secondary's got more holes than an orgy full of bulldogs, if you know what I mean." "Okay." "Do you know what I mean?" "Yeah, Iike lesbians." "No." "I get the analogy." "No, you don't." "I need you to prick it up." "Prick it up?" "Prick up the pace 'cause Hernandez is out and you're in." "Why?" "I wanna put the ball in the air." "Can you put the ball in the air?" "Don't talk back to me." "I'm not ta-- I'm agreeing with you." "You can put the ball in the air." "Then you can provide me with a win." "'Cause I need a fucking win, bitch!" "Jennifer." "Jennifer!" "will you talk to me?" "I'm late for work." "What?" "Look, I'm sorry about what happened at the party, okay?" "You're sorry for acting like a football player or being an insensitive jerk?" "Look, I Iike you, okay?" "[laughs] You got a weird way of showing it." "Make out with some other girl?" "really makes me feel special." "I didn't know you wanted to feel special from me." "I didn't--Look, I didn't know you were interested, okay?" "I didn't think I was good enough." "And now you think you are?" "No, I just know if I do nothing, that's exactly what'II happen." "What do you wanna happen?" "With you, anything." "Mitch, sometimes you just have to make a move." "And know when to make a move." "Right." "Why don't you worry about your game tonight?" "And hey, try to impress me." "[laughter]" "Hey." "I want to say, uh," "I'm sorry for always being a super douche to you." "I wouldn't say you're a super douche." "A-anyway, uh, since this could be my last season, I just thought it'd be really cool if" "How could it not be your last season?" "I'm not doing too good in biology right now." "You're 38 years old." "Damn, Iet's forget all of that shit, man." "I mean it's" "What I'm trying to say, Mitch, is, uh," "best bros for life?" "Yeah, I mean we're friends." "Okay." "Who's looking forward to some Division I I I football?" "I know we are here at channel 57 and that's why this is our game of the week." "I'm Chet Ryback." "That's my partner, Terry Lockwood." "Nobody likes that move." "And it's the seven and one Cougars up against the four and four BIuecocks." "Now, the Cougars are playing for playoff berth, and the Bluecocks are playing for pride and to keep the football program alive." "Isn't that always the way." "The drama of sport." "For those of you who don't recognize a name, my partner Terry played a little Division I-A ball himself." "guilty as charged." "I guess he was, uh, Arizona?" "Arizona State." "well, you know, more in the theater program, but this is where I belong, here with you, my good friend." "Our camera loves you, all of you." "There's a Iot of you to love." "[laughs]" "No, it wasn't a compliment." "AII right, speaking of folks you love," "Denny Dawson is down on the field." "Yes, Denny Dawson!" "Moving on to greater pastures." "Bravo." "We don't say bravo." "That's right." "Can't wait to do that." "I'm gonna miss this little town, but I am onto bigger and better things." "You know, Terry, it's unbelievable." "You are clearly gay." "Denny Dawson." "Last night hot." "AII right, words-of-wisdom time." "Let's huddle up here." "Words of wisdom." "I'm not gonna try to be no Jesus Cristos and give you some kind of sermon on the hump top speech." "AII right?" "But I would Iike to be inspirational." "'Cause I would really like to touch each and everyone of y'aII." "Diggs," "Hernandez, Primo." "Sixty-seven." "AII y'aII." "But the bottom line is, after tonight you ain't gonna play ball." "None of y'aII." "You ain't gonna play football." "Yeah, maybe you'll have that occasional Thanksgiving football game with a bunch of little kids you're trying to impress." "But even that, you're gonna be too hung over for, because the night before some he/she slipped you a roofie." "And had it's way with you." "What are you saying?" "Bottom line, if you don't go out there tonight and give it your aII" "1 00%." "Shut up, please." "And give it your all, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your miserable goddamn life!" "[coughs]" "AII right, you guys just go out there, Iet's have some fun." "Yeah." "Or just win." "Maybe just win 'cause that's about the funnest thing I know." "[laughing]" "play fast, play loose." "well, no, Iet's go out there and play tight." "We wanna tighten it up." "We wanna be as tight as a nun's ass pipe on Christmas morning." "Just leave everything out there on the field." "No, you bring it out on the field and you leave it here." "You leave it all out on the field." "No, you leave it here." "Leave your shit here, and when you go to the field, you gotta bring it." "They leave it there." "Just bring it in." "Just bring it in." "One, two, three." "Get some!" "Yes!" "AII right, Iet's go." "Head coach Rick Vice and athletic director Roy Goodwyn have really gotten this program back on track." "A little chocolate and vanilla." "I don't get that reference." "I do know that the quarterback Mitch DePrima is getting his first start of the year." "always the hardest thing to do." "To be the understudy all year." "Back up." "It's time for kickoff, so let's go down to the field." "Come on." "Yeah!" "Cocks are coming!" "welcome to the big leagues, Ricky." "And we're underway." "Tyler, get in and drop a bomb on their moms." "[cheering]" "Break it up." "holy fuckbaIIs." "Instant replay." "You wouldn't know a penalty from a miscarriage." "[blowing whistle] [all shouting]" "Where is your mashed potatoes now Ricky?" "On that girl's face." "[cheering]" "You suck, cocks." "What'd you say?" "Why are you here?" "I will eat that dog." "Why is your dog in the stands?" "Wow, where did the time go?" "That was a fast first half." "Cougars up 21 -7 over the BIuecocks." "Not a great opening." "It's all behind them now because we're on to my favorite part of the game." "The intermission, where everybody is encouraged to go up to the lobby and enjoy a beverage with their friend." "Intermission." "half time." "You played at ASU?" "I did several plays at ASU ." "Why are you making it about me?" "It's your job to know the game." "It's your job to know the language of the game to impart knowledge to the viewers." "Just like it's a coach's job to know the game so he can impart his wisdom to his team." "What the fuck are you guys doing out there?" "I cannot believe you're out there playing scared." "Are you gonna be a pussy or you going to be men?" "Pussy." "People who underachieve all the sorry sucking years." "Men." "Motivated energized niggers." "I need a team of Nobus." "If Roy is going 9/1 1" "Vice is gonna go Hiroshima." "You people are playing in Division I I I ." "And no one is gonna remember this goddamn game, but you will remember it." "Diggs, how do you wanna remember you?" "Pretty boy?" "And Jansen, we're the same age." "If I played with them, I'd wipe their asses up." "DePrima." "Wow." "I thought you wanted a chance." "What are you, just all talk?" "You have an arm." "Do you have a heart?" "Can you lead this team?" "What are you going to remember?" "[all gasp]" "You got anything for 'em?" "well, [clears throat] I guess I could tell you that if you guys go home tonight" "incomplete, if you walk away from this game with any kind of regret, then you're probably gonna wind up a lot" "like me." "(all) Go, go, go, go." "Coach Vice really lit a fire under those BIuecocks." "He's inspired that team." "Remember Men." "Motivated" "It's not as good as get some." "They're shooting the gaps and really stuffing those Cougars' holes." "What did you say?" "Did you hear what you said?" "One, ninety-seven." "[cheering] [blowing whistle]" "Touchdown!" "[laughing]" "Yes!" "well, the Cocks get the ball back with just a minute and eight seconds remaining." "No timeouts." "Okay, I make the calls." "I'm the call maker." "And everything I've done to you this season, has prepared you for this moment." "Jousting the yard marker up my ass?" "And I know you have not been drinking your own urinations." "Despite that, you see the call?" "I want you to call on the line." "I want you to be the horse and I want you to take the reins." "Be the horse and take my own reins." "Yes." "Oh, and one more thing." "You got it." "Let's go, Mitch." "Forty-six is the mark." "I don't see this going well for you." "One-ninety." "One-ninety Setup." "DePrima takes the snap, drops back." "It's Greenman over the middle for a nice gain." "[mixed voices]" "It's like DePrima is in the hurry-up offense." "Forty-six in line." "[mixed voices]" "Again, shouting out audibIes." "Now he's up under center, just where you like it." "Setup." "Takes the snap." "Throws a quick hit." "Galvin does not get out of bounds." "The clock keeps ticking." "On the ball." "On the ball." "Run for the line." "Thirty-five seconds left." "DePrima brings the players back up the line." "Working out of the shotgun again." "Oh, my goodness." "Now he's improvising." "It's like he's right." "Back to Diggs." "And Diggs it takes down the field for a sizeable gain." "You can't do that." "No, you can't do a forward lateral, but that was a rear lateral." "Ten seconds remaining in the game." "They have to get to the endzone here." "Eight, fifty-three." "Again DePrima working out of the shotgun." "Diggs split out to the left." "DePrima takes a low snap." "Avoids the rush." "DePrima scrambling." "Let's go." "Comes down with the ball." "Touchdown BIuecocks!" "How do you Iike your Cocks now?" "I hate to see that Reggie Diggs is helped off the field, but evidently he's got a bad wheel." "He hurt his leg." "Okay." "The Cocks need a one to tie and two to win." "will they go for two?" "No idea." "Not asking you." "What do you wanna do?" "Go for the win or the tie?" "We got off the bus tied, didn't we?" "We're at home." "Right." "well, if I have to spell it out, I wanna go for two." "I wanna win this bitch." "Win this bitch." "Another receiver." "Coming, coach." "Oh, no, not-- please, not Schwartz." "call a timeout." "We don't have a timeout." "Allen Schwartz is coming into the game and at 5'6" and 1 30 pounds he's definitely the smallest Cock on the field." "Not touching that one." "Oh, I think you have." "well, looks like the BIuecocks are going for two." "How do you know that?" "What island are you from?" "One ninety-nine." "DePrima back to pass." "He's looking for a receiver." "Again, this is it." "And he's got it." "He's sacked." "He's--no." "He's still on his feet." "The man jumped over him." "No, he tried to sack him." "DePrima scrambling." "Again, no time left on the clock." "This is the game." "DePrima goes and the ball is tipped in the air." "Schwartz steps on his back and it's an incredible catch." "[cheering]" "Yeah!" "Whoa!" "One of the most incredible catches." "That's my boy." "That's my boy." "I Iike it." "My family." "Is that it?" "I am tired." "That's the greatest catch I've ever seen in college football." "What the fuck is that?" "Is that a joke?" "What is this, a fucking circus?" "That's illegal." "[cheering]" "Hey." "So, do you, uh, leave all your moves on the field?" "I got one left." "Oh, my God." "You got me right in the nose." "I'm sorry." "My eyes are watering." "Oh, my God." "Tomorrow it's women's lacrosse." "Yes." "You'II be flying solo." "Hey." "Cocks." "Looks like you're quite the grill master." "Why does everybody automatically assume that fat people wanna fuck other fat people?" "Just for the record, I never saw her, but I was told that she had a cute face." "Ah, cute face is code for fat ass." "It's like the time Rick set me up with a girl with a great body." "Looked like somebody set her face on fire and put it out with a bicycle chain." "It was like the whole thing was in slow mo, and I just," "I just embraced the moment." "It's incredible." "I wanna kiss you on the mouth." "Sit on it for a bit." "My dick." "And not to mention she wiped it from back to front." "Okay, that's what it smells like." "I'm just saying." "Stench trench." "Hey, there." "Roy, guys." "That was quite a game, Roy." "That final game, especially that last inning." "That was something." "Uh, quarter." "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have my wallet on me." "Listen, I think the momentum you have going is wonderful." "I hope it carries over into next year." "I put you right where I wanted you." "You can thank me later." "You know, there is something I actually wanted to see if it wouId be po-poss" "It's really a shame that you're graduating this year." "Why's that?" "'Cause guess who got accepted to be a freshman in next year's class." "Oh, my God, that's so cute." "You carry it in your pocket everywhere." "Shut up." "congratulations." "It's awesome." "Thanks." "Is this-- Are we doing this?" "Is this happening?" "Maybe if you stop talking." "You gotta watch the nose." "I'm not thinking about those things." "Oh, there he is." "The black man of the hour." "Uh-huh." "Hey, good stuff, huh?" "Good stuff." "Interesting." "Good stuff." "I'm thinking me and you." "Carry that to next year." "[laughing]" "Good luck." "Jensen, you did good." "This is the game ball." "I want you to have it." "Thanks, Coach." "It really means a Iot to me." "well, you know, I've never met a player as mature as you." "I couldn't have done it without my best bro here." "Thanks, Dad." "well, good luck to you two." "Diggs." "Game ball." "My favorite coach." "Allen Schwartz." "Schwartz is the "shports", huh?" "Game ball." "I want you to have it." "Wow." "well, without you and your gay little dance moves, who knows?" "Right?" "Who knows?" "These look a Iot like my Dad's balls." "AII right, move the fuck along." "Jeez." "Did I frighten you?" "No more than usual." "You know, this is" "One of your game balls?" "One of the ga-- That's the game ball." "You've done real good this season." "I'm proud of you." "I know I was tough on you." "Yeah, why are you so tough on everybody?" "well, you ever hear the one about the lion and the mouse?" "No." "well, basically the lion was in trouble." "I really don't remember what kind of trouble, but he was in a predicament, and the mouse came up and said, "May I help you out?"" "And the lion said, "You can't help me." "You're a little mouse."" "And he helped him somehow." "And later on in the story" "The lion ate the mouse." "No." "You know, he might've." "I don't" "He either-- He either helped him out or he ate him." "'Cause it's his nature." "That's the part I remember, because it's in his nature." "Take care, coach." "I won't forget this." "Yeah." "I want you to get some." "'Cause that's in your nature." "And that ain't the game ball." "♫ Get some ♫" "Scene 91 ." "help her take three marks." "[laughter]" "It's Iike" "I really feel it's a great opportunity for me right now to" "Rickets is a disease you get when you don't have" "I don't know, still is soft." "That's good." "One more." "[shouting]" "Oh, my God." "That scared me." "Put your hands right here." "Shut up." "Quit staring at her, ta-tas and lock it in." "[laughs]" "Get some." "Get it?" "Get it?" "Get it?" "Do it." "Get some." "Get it?" "Get it?" "Get it?" "Get it?" "I'm new." "I can't." "Give me one." "I don't have time to go through this." "A man takes to a poet." "I'm no Edgar alan Poop." "I need you to get out there and play." "I'm Denny Dawson." "And I'm Head Coach Rick Vice." "deductibles and premiums." "There is my ride." "I have to go." "But under a whole new set of rules." "What are you talking about, willis?" "You can come" "[laughing]" "He's been running since he was knee-high to Juan VaIdez--no." "[laughing]" "That's true." "[laughing]" "That's true." "I hate myself." "I apologize for being all pussy" "[laughing]" "How long have you been sitting there ass-fucking me?" "What?" "[laughter]" "I Iike you." "[laughs]" "Sorry, I don't know if it was snot that fell out of my nose." "I do remember the paper, not to brag, but the paper did say that I sang a bloody Mary." "Like, uh, [indistinct]" "And where is he now?" "selling real estate in Montana to nobody." "AII getting cut out in post." "[laughing]" "Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here." "As you can tell, unfortunately we've got a huge storm front brewing from the East." "Got a pressure system here." "That means we put them together and we have rain, folks." "I'm sorry." "Make sure you wear your umbrellas and your rubber boots." "Thank you, Denny." "Who do I have to face-fuck to get these fucking stupid lightning bolts to stay on my goddamn suit?" "I Iook like an idiot here." "No, not that." "I'II do that." "Do it here, please." "This needs to be pushed down." "Higher." "Can you push harder?" "Wow." "Who pissed in your cornflakes?" "Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here." "[The Guise sing Get Some]"