"Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Oww." "Woo-hoo-hoo." "Woo-hoo." "Yeah, yeah." "Let's start the show." "What'll it be, guys?" "I'll have a scotch on the rocks." "I'll have a Samuel Adams." "I'll have a Samuel Jackson." "You know something?" "I'll have a Samuel Jackson, too." "Me three." "(all laughing)" "Three Samuel Jackson's coming right up." "Good motherfuckin' choice, motherfucker." "Samuel Jackson, made painstakingly by me," "Samuel L. Jackson." "It'll get you drunk!" "You'll be fuckin' fat girls in no time!" "You might even fight a nigga' or two!" "Mmm-mmm, bitch!" "How's it taste, motherfucka'?" "Huh?" "!" "Can you stop yelling at me, please?" "No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk!" "You ain't never seen my movies?" "!" ""Juice," that was a good one!" ""Deep Blue Sea!"" "They ate me, a fucking shark ate me!" "Drink, bitch!" ""Jurassic Park!"" "Samuel Jackson, it's my beer!" ""Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!"" "(man) Dave Chappelle...!" "(cheers  applause)" "Oh, that's right!" "That's right!" "Hey!" "That's right." "What's up, y'all?" "Welcome back... ohh." "Come on, now, calm down." "We don't have that much time." "Thank you." "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you are seeing correctly, I am smoking on television." "I am smoking indoors, you know why?" "Because I didn't vote for Bloomberg." "Those of you across the nation who don't know who Bloomberg is, he is the mayor of this great city of New York." "I'm fighting!" "Somebody's got to do it." "You know, this Bloomberg guy has messed everything up!" "Cigarettes are $8 a pack!" "That's crack prices!" "People gonna be sucking dicks for cigarettes soon!" "It's ridiculous." "And then once you buy a pack, you can't even smoke inside." "I can't stand it anymore." "I can't stand it, I'm fighting!" "(woman) Whoo!" "That's right!" "It's in my blood." "I have no choice but to fight," "I'm a genetic dissenter." "That's right, it's in my genes to dissent." "I'll show you a tape of my history." "Damn, Bloomberg is fucking up." "Man, Carter is fucking up." "Damn, Truman is fucking up." "Man, Lincoln is fucking up." "Son, white folks in general is fucking up." "Shhh, they coming." "Man, the Chief's fucking up." "Hey, y'all, look." "It's a boat with some white people on it." "Y'all wait here, I'm gonna see what they want." "Man..." "I fucked up." "Now, a lot of people say," ""Dave, if everybody else is messing up so bad, what you think, you can do better?"" "Yes, I do." "That's why I'm gonna run for mayor or something." "That's right." "(applause  cheering)" "Maybe governor or something else, you never know." "I made a campaign ad, too, and I'll show it to you right now." "This is my first campaign ad, it'll be on the air soon." "Although America is the greatest nation in the world, we still face many modern problems." "And modern problems require modern solutions." "Health care is in shambles." "Medicaid doesn't work, and the insurance industry has made medicine virtually unaffordable." "Meanwhile, our neighbors in Canada have free health care for all their citizens." "So what am I suggesting?" "Fake Canadian ID cards for all Americans." "If you get sick, run on up to Canada and get yourself checked out." "I'm Dave Chappelle, and I want to represent you." "We're gonna take a quick commercial break." "We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show." "Don't go anywhere." "(man) Chappelle's Show." "Although America is the greatest nation in the world, we still face many modern problems." "And modern problems require modern solutions." "Teen pregnancy is a huge problem in this country." "Now, what we need are more programs in place that promote abstinence." "My solution?" "Have every high school principal have sex with the oldest teacher in the school in front of the students." "And make sure you rub them both with mayonnaise to accentuate the sound of their old flesh flapping together." "This powerful image is sure to be a deterrent that the children will never forget." "Goddamn, that's gross." "I'm Dave Chappelle, and I want to represent you." "You know, folks, since I've been doing this show a lot of rappers have been asking me to be in their videos." "Which is nice, but they always want me to do dumb stuff." "Like, I'll be like, "what I gotta do, Snoop?"" ""Okay, here it is, Dave, it's a club scene" ""and like, you was dancing and you slip on a banana peel" ""and your face lands in some doo doo... splat." ""Now, you rolling around, got dookie all over you." ""And then here I come with my gators on." ""My now and later gators step over ya." "And all you see is me walking off in slow motion."" "It's like-hold up, nigga, why can't I be the one in slow motion?" "!" "I'm tired of being the one in the doo-doo." "Everything looks better in slow motion." "This is the truth." "For instance, here's a tape of me doing my laundry." "Hey, how you doing, Mrs. Kim?" "Nothing funny about that." "(laughter)" "But why don't we see me do my laundry... in slow motion." "("Enigma" " Sadeness" playing)" "(audience laughing applauding)" "(audience laughing)" "(audience laughing applauding)" "(audience laughing)" "(cheers  applause)" "Crazy." "All right..." "I like it in videos, whenever you see a club scene club scene is always in slow motion." "You know why?" "'Cause it's gotta be." "'Cause it sucks to be in a club in regular life." "Check it out, this is what it looks like to be at a club normally." "Hey, come on, man!" "Excuse me, excuse me." "The robot?" "You make me sick." "(all gasping)" "Sorry about..." "Oh!" "He's so corny!" "Terrible, terrible what they did to me." "Why don't we take a look at that in slow motion, though." "(techno music)" "(audience laughing)" "(audience laughing)" "(audience laughing applauding)" "(slow motion) I wanna suck your... (audience laughing)" "(all gasping)" "(heat beating in slow motion)" "(audience laughing)" "(audience laughing applauding)" "(slow motion) Me so horny..." "(man in audience) Yeah!" "(cheers  applause)" "Much better." "That was much better." "Of course, we gotta remember this concept is not across the board." "It doesn't work with everything, just most things." "Some things look worse in slow motion." "Like, for instance, here's a tape of me taking a shit." "It happens." "(farts)" "(Dave) Oh, ho ho..." "Pretty disgusting." "Let's see that same shit in slow motion." "(loud gurgle)" "(explosion)" "(cheers  applause)" "People be mad about it, like, R. Kelly," "I seen R. Kelly in a Chicago." "He was mad at me." ""There ain't no punch line to that," ""that thing is mad." "How you gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?"" "Nigga, how you gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?" "And on that note, take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back for some more Chappelle's Show." "Welcome back to Chappelle's Show." "America's #1 source for offensive comedy." "You know what's cool about being an American?" "We're all mixed up." "I'm talking about genetically." "We've all got a little something in us, right?" "And in some people, it's more than others." "And that's when we get to arguing." "For instance, my wife is Asian." "I'm black, and we argue... about which half of Tiger Woods is hitting the ball so good." "Derek Jeter is another guy like that." "Halle Berry is somebody else." "We've gotta stop arguing about who was what." "We need to just settle this once and for all, we need to have a draft." "That's right, I said it." "Good evening, and welcome to the first and maybe only Racial Draft here in New York City." "Folks, this is for all the marbles." "What happens here will state the racial standing of these Americans once and for all." "That's right." "And the crowd is here to support their races." "Well, Rob, some of the biggest names in sports and in entertainment are on the line tonight." "And I'm excited to see who's gonna be drafted by which race." "Seated behind me on the stage there, are the various representatives." "And, believe it or not the blacks have actually won the first pick." "Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time, Billy." "Yes, and they'll probably still complain." "(chuckling together)" "Man, fuck you." "Well, the black representative is heading for the microphone now, why don't we take a listen." "We of the Black Delegation... choose Tiger Woods." "(cheering)" "(Rob) No surprises there, fellas." "The richest and most dominant athlete in the world." "His father black, his mother Thai." "Well, that doesn't matter anymore because now he is officially black." "Dave, the Asians have got to be upset." "(Dave) There's no question about that, Rob." "But you gotta think about it." "He's been discriminated against in his time, he's had death threats, and he dates a white woman." "Sounds like a black guy to me." "Tiger's taking the stage now, and if you ask me, he's looking blacker already." "Ah, I'd like to say, a tremendous opportunity for me." "To finally be part of a race and have a home." "I've been so confused if I'm half Asian, so many things." "So long, fried rice, hello fried chicken." "I love you guys!" "(cheers  applause)" "Ah, I always wanted to say this... for shizzle." "Ha ha." "Well, it seems as though" "Tiger Woods is happy to be black and that's a good thing because I just received word that he lost all his endorsements." "Ooh, that's a tough one." "Oh, Amex, Tag Heuer, Wheaties the whole shebang-a-bang." "Tough break, nigga, there's always Fubu." "All right, coming up now are the Jews." "Many have speculated about their pick." "But I'm guessing they're gonna pick Madonna and finish off the job Kabbalah started." "Yes, well, Rob, she was born and raised Catholic then she became a whore, but over the last decade she has studied the Kabbalah." "And she even wrote a Kabbalah children's book." "(Dave) Oh, here come the Jews." "Why don't we take a look downstairs." "Today, we, the Jewish people take..." "Lenny Kravitz." "Wow, in a surprise move the Jews pick Lenny Kravitz, folks." "He's actually half-black and half-Jewish." "His mother was on "The Jeffersons,"" "a pivotal show in black culture." "And his father, a Jew, was her lawyer." "Heh, couldn't make that up." "Well, Lenny is all Jewish now." "Unfortunately, Lenny can't make it here to accept." "He's in Miami Beach." "Miami Beach?" "Well, he must have gotten that news about being Jewish early." "Ha ha ha... (Dave) All right, the Latins are up now." "Why don't we all take an escucha to their pick." "We, the Latinos, choose..." "Elian Gonzalez." "I don't understand that one." "We wanted to do this before the white people try to adopt him as one of their own... again." "(loud cheering)" "Okay... guess who's turn it is?" "White people." "Let's see what direction they go in." "Halle Berry is still available, as is Mariah Carey's crazy ass." "(coughing) Cracker... that's very mature, Rondell." "Thank you all, (booing) Good afternoon." "Excuse me." "(clears throat) Pardon me." "Hey, will you cut the malarkey?" "Okay, I'm talking." "There's a white man talking up here!" "Silencio!" "(booing continues)" "Ungowa!" "Thank you..." "damn it." "We, the White Delegation, are very proud to announce our pick this year," "Colin Powell!" "What?" "Colin Powell is not white." "He's not even an eighth white." "He's 100% black." "Last I heard." "Wow, I gotta wonder how the blacks are gonna be taking this one." "(Rondell) We, the Black Delegation, accept the White Delegation's offer to draft Colin Powell, on the condition that they also accept Condoleezza Rice as a part of the deal." "By the power invested in me, by white people everywhere we accept." "You got yourself a goddamn deal." "(cheering)" "The Black Delegation requests Eminem." "Wait a goddamn minute, Rondell, that's not part of the bargain." "I'm hustling, baby." "All right, well, no hustling me." "You're talking to the ultimate hustler." "I tell you what." "Let's make all things fair, we keep Eminem... you get O.J. Simpson." "Yeah!" "(Dave) Incredible!" "A first round absolutely chock full of surprises." "Unbelievable, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice now officially white." "O.J. black again." "What a day." "You know, if white people knew they were gonna get away with picking a black person," "I bet they would have picked Oprah." "Oh, well, absolutely, Rob." "Thick thighs, no felonies, she definitely would have been a great pickup." "Okay, the Chinese Delegation is up next." "Although they're the last, they've been waiting with zen-like patience." "My guess is Yao Ming." "He's been spending a lot of time with blacks learning slang and shit-talking." "If they're not careful, they might lose him." "The Asian Delegation chooses... the RZA, the GZA, U-God" "Inspectah Deck, Ghostface Killah, the Wu-Tang Clan!" "(Dave) Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "But I have just heard it with my own two ears." "This is, by far, the biggest upset of the night." "The Chinese Delegation pulling a fast one and choosing the entire Wu-Tang Clan." "Brooklyn!" "This is Big Boss, Yorkers." "We always been a fan of the Kung Fu and the Chinese culture, and shit." "So, yo, it's like bong-bong, you know." "Yeah, I wanna remind everybody to, um, diversify your bonds." "RZA got an announcement to make." "Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty has now changed his name from "Dirt McGirt,"" "to "The Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant."" "(chanting) Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang.." "Konichiwa, bitches." "Folks, thanks for joining us on this incredible night." "Our coverage ends here, but be sure to catch the rest on our website." "Congratulations to all the races." "And konichiwa, bitches." "We're gonna take a quick commercial break." "But don't go nowhere, we'll be right back with more Chappelle show." "Okay!" "I'd like to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight, and I'd like to thank everybody at home for watching." "And hopefully I'll see you next week." "I'm out." "(cheers  applause)" "(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!" "(horn honks)" "Hi, thank you." "How's it taste, motherfucker?" "!" "Huh?" "!" "Will you stop yelling at me?" "No I can't stop yelling at you!" "This is my acting style!" "You haven't seen my movies?" "!" ""Jackie Brown!"" ""Star Wars!"" "The one where I say, "yes, they deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell!"" "I was in that, too!" "I was in "Juice," with Tupac Shakur!" ""Juice," nigga!" "Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Oww." "Woo-hoo-hoo." "Woo-hoo." "Yeah, yeah." "Let's start the show." "(man) Ladies and gentlemen," "Dave Chappelle...!" "Whoa!" "(cheers  applause)" "H-hey!" "Wow..." "Man." "Hey, little buddy." "All right, thank you so much." "Have seen you this, uh, commercial where a guy, Calvin, gets a job at a fast food restaurant?" "Remember that commercial, though, that guy, Calvin, would get a job at a fast food restaurant and they'd act like that's the best thing that can happen to a guy in the ghetto?" "Like, the whole neighborhood's excited like, this is gonna end poverty." "Calvin, you getting this job is the signpost to a new era in the black community." "Thank you, fast food restaurant!" "That's not what it's like to work at a fast food." "People aren't proud of you." "Let's see what would happen to Calvin if he really had a job in fast food." "Look at that!" "Calvin's got a job." "Hey, Calvin!" "Way to go, youngblood, way to go!" "(man) WacArnold's is proud to give young African-Americans an opportunity to serve their communities, making them feel responsible for the welfare of their own environment." "Afternoon, ladies." "Eww, nigga, you smell like french fries." "WacArnold's." "Well, see, hold up." "Now, that's just a week into it." "Let's see what happens to Calvin, like, three weeks into it." "Well, here you go, Calvin." "My first check... thank you, sir." "(man) WacArnold's is proud to give young African-Americans an opportunity to serve their communities, making them feel responsible for the welfare of their own environment." "Look at that, Calvin's got a job." "Hey, Calvin!" "Hey, Mrs. Harper, got my first paycheck." "That's good, Calvin, very good." "Way to go, youngblood." "Getting paid, getting paid." "Hey, yo, I heard Calvin got a job." "Man, I'm proud of him." "Let's rob that nigga, man." "Yeah, son." "WacArnold's." "Pretty rough." "Why don't we check in with Calvin two months later." "(man) WacArnold's is proud to give young African-Americans an opportunity to serve their communities." "Making them feel responsible for the welfare of their own environment." "Hey, where's Mrs. Harvey?" "Oh, she died, Calvin, of high cholesterol." "Too much WacArnold's." "Damn, Calvin, you look beat the hell up." "What's up, fry guy?" "Punk bitch." "Corny-ass nigga." "Yo, Calvin, it's a thin line between fries and shakes." "One-two, one-two... the leanest burger in the world could be the meanest burger in the world if you cook it that way." "I need to stop smoking this shit here, bro." "Hey." "Brought y'all home some dinner from work." "Calvin, you can't keep feeding me and your baby hamburgers and french fries every goddamn night!" "What the hell do you expect me to do?" "Nigger, get a real job!" "Bitch!" "WacArnold's is giving me an opportunity to serve my community and feel responsible for the welfare of my own environment!" "Don't give me that trifling'-ass bullshit!" "I'm under a lot of pressure!" "Aye!" "And who's gloves are these?" "Huh?" "Who you fucking, O.J.?" "What is this?" "Well, Calvin, you always workin'!" "Ohhh, you fucking the fairy!" "I seen that African leaving here when I was coming in." "Well, shit, if you was here a little bit more..." "WacArnold's is tearing this family apart!" "Old Mrs. Harvey died." "(baby crying)" "The baby... the baby's crying." "See?" "And guess what?" "The rib sandwich is coming back on Tuesday!" "Guess who ain't getting one!" "I don't eat pork, anyway." "You damn right you don't eat pork, 'cause I ain't giving you none." "I ain't giving you no hamburgers, no apple pies, I ain't giving you shit!" "Calvin got that all locked down." "If you want some WacArnold's you gots to go through me." "You cut off!" "I'm Calvin around here!" "You know about me?" "Everybody know I got a job!" "All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick commercial break." "Don't go anywhere, we'll be right back with more Chappelle show." "(cheers  applause)" "(man) Chappelle's Show." "Oww!" "Welcome back... (cheers  applause)" "Welcome back, everybody." "Ah... thanks, guys." "Last season, I had Paul Mooney on the show do a segment called, "Ask a Black Dude."" "And I asked him, I said," ""Paul, we gotta do that again this year."" "He said, "oh, I can't do it, homey." "But I'll do ya one better."" "And he put me on to the hottest psychic ever, in the history of the world." "So, please, America, make some noise for Paul Mooney..." "as "Negrodamus."" "(woman) For centuries, people have turned to one man for the answer to life's great mysteries." "That man, is Negrodamus." "You, sir." "Negrodamus, what mistakes did Michael Jackson make before he got arrested?" "Michael Jackson... should have not been a singer." "Michael Jackson should have been a priest." "Then he would have just been transferred." "You, ma'am." "Negrodamus, why is President Bush so sure" "Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" "Because he has the receipt." "Next question." "Rosie O'Donnell shall have a sex change." "She will become a man and marry Liza Minelli's husband and beat him." "Grazie, Grazie Mille." "Grazie." "Next." "Hi, Negrodamus." "What will happen to Star Jones on "The View?"" "Star jones..." "I'm getting something..." "Star Jones will have two jobs." "First she'll do "The View,"" "then she'll take her wig off and do the weather." "Thank you, Negrodamus." "For centuries, people have turned to one man for the answer to life's great mysteries." "That man, is Negrodamus." "That's right." "(cheers  applause)" "Y'all remember that comedian, Gallagher?" "(affirmative murmurs)" "Pretty corny, right?" "He is, he was a corny dude." "But the thing that people don't know about Gallagher" "I don't know if you know this or not... it might be just something comedians know... he had a twin brother, did you know that?" "He sold his act to his twin brother." "His twin brother goes on the road as "Gallagher Two."" "Not making that up." "Here's even a lesser-known fact." "His twin brother sold the act to a black guy named Earl Wallingford." "And the black dude went out as "Black Gallagher."" "I have a tape of his special." "It's ridiculous." "Where are the weapons of mass destruction?" "!" "That's what I'm talking about." "Osama Bin Laden?" "Why don't they call them "Osama Been Hidin'?"" "Hope you like my outfit." "The queer guys came by and had an eye for me." "Pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, orange stars... that leprechaun's on acid!" "He's crazy." "He's crazy like me." "Are you ready to smash some fruit?" "!" "Can't hear ya!" "Pee on us!" "Yeah?" "You wanna smash some fruit, yeah?" "!" "Smash the fruit, you black son of a bitch!" "Well, Black Gallagher doesn't go out like no punk bitch with a mallet!" "Black Gallagher, bitch!" "That's right!" "Aaahh!" "I got warrants!" "(cheers  applause)" "(laughing) We're gonna... we're gonna take a quick commercial break." "But don't go anywhere, everybody." "We got more show coming up right after this." "(man) Chappelle's Show." "Oww!" "Hey, gang." "Welcome back to Chappelle's Show." "Up top... by the sound, good to see you." "Man, it's crazy, man." "All right, last season, we started the series off with this sketch about a black white supremacist." "Very controversial." "Yes, very... and sparked this whole controversy about the appropriateness of the "N" word." "The dreaded "N" word." "You know, and then when I would travel you know, people would come up to me like, white people would come up to me, like," ""man, that sketch you did about them niggers, that was hila... (laughing)" "Take it easy." "You know, I was joking around." "You start to realize these sketches in the wrong hands are dangerous." "You know, and that "N" word is a doosey." "Especially for us black folks." "You know, a lot of different feelings come up when they hear that word." "But I'm thinking, is it because that black people actually identify themselves as "N" words?" "No..." "I don't know... maybe." "But what if we just used the word for other people?" "Would it be so bad?" "I don't know." "So, I made a sketch... it's about a white family who's last name happens to be Niggar." "That's all." "Let's see how offensive the word sounds now." "N-i-g-g-a-r, it's the Niggar family." "Well, we all know who they are." "They're Tim and Emily." "Teaching Tim how to ride a bike, these are the Niggars that we like." "N-i-g-g-a-r, it's the Niggar family." "It's the Niggar family." "Yeah... breakfast is served." "Look, hon, my sister just had another baby." "Look at this little bundle of joy." "She's got those Niggar lips." "I know, so thin!" "Is Tim still asleep?" "I think so." "He sure is one lazy Niggar." "Good morning, mom." "Morning, dad." "Good morning." "You know, Tim, we're having a dinner party tonight." "I trust you'll be here." "Oh, I can't." "I have my first big date with Jenny Halsted." "Jenny has a date tonight, with the Niggar boy from school." "What?" "!" "Oh, God, no!" "No, daddy, that's his name." "Timmy Niggar." "Oh, of course..." "I like that Niggar." "He's a very good athlete and so well-spoken." "That family's going places." "I mean, we're rich, they're Niggar rich." "Oh, Vic." "Morning, Niggars!" "Why, it's Clifton, our colored milk man." "And this my favorite family to deliver milk to... the Niggars!" "Mmm-mm!" "Something sure smells good!" "You Niggars cooking?" "We sure are." "Here's some leftover bacon, if you'd like some." "Ooh, none for me." "I know better than to get between a Niggar and their pork." "Might get my fingers bit." "(chuckles)" "Here ya go." "I-I hate to bother you about this, but, uh, well, you didn't pay your bill last week." "And I know how forgetful you Niggars are when it comes to paying bills." "Golly, Clifton, it slipped my mind." "Here you go, sorry about that." "Oh, Niggar please, Niggar please!" "Well, take care Mr. "N" word." "I have a hot date with the wife tonight." "All right, take care." "All right, peace Niggar!" "Niggars?" "!" "(man) Stevenson, party of four?" "Ah, Stevenson, party of four." "Table five, please." "Bon apetit." "Niggar, party of two." "Niggar, party of two." "Lookie here, Jack." "Just because we're colored doesn't mean we came out here to be disrespected, okay?" "Ah, we're the Niggar family." "Oh, hi, Clifton." "Oh... well..." "hello, little Niggar." "These are the Niggars I was telling you about." "Are you the nigga that broke the bottle over Ronnie's head at the dice game?" "No, not that nigga." "The Niggar from work, the milk round." "Ohhh, okay." "Have a nice meal." "I bet you'll get the finest table a Niggar's ever got in this restaurant." "(laughing)" "Whoo-wee!" "Oh, lord." "This racism is killing me inside!" "Honey, put your dinner party face on." "Hello." "Well, you must be the Wetbacks!" "It's Sanchez." "And don't call us wetbacks, Niggar." "We find it offensive." "I'm just kidding, we are the Wetbacks!" "(laughing)" "(all laughing)" "Wait 'til we tell the Jews!" "Oh, you're one crazy Niggar." "N-i-g-g-a-r, it's the Niggar family." "It's the Niggar family." "Niggars!" "Yeah..." "I'm Dave Chappelle, you guys are the best audience in the world." "I'd like to thank you all," "I'd like to thank everybody at home, and we'll see you next week!" "(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!" "(horn honks)" "Hi, thank you." "You know why a dog licks his balls?" "'Cause they're salty!" "Black Gallagher!" "Rich people stink!" "They smell like someone's been cooking bologna in their shirt!" "The sun is very far away from the Earth, people." "But I'm hot!" "Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Oww." "Woo-hoo-hoo." "Woo-hoo." "Yeah, yeah." "Let's start the show." "(man) Ladies and gentlemen," "Dave Chappelle...!" "Hey, everybody." "Hey." "(applause)" "All right!" "All right!" "Welcome to Chappelle's Show.!" "Man, welcome, guys, thanks for coming out tonight." "And, you at home, thanks for tuning in." "You know, folks, it's been an interesting couple weeks here at Chappelle's Show." "A lot of flak I've been getting for the racially-charged sketches." "It happens." "But I think I'm being misunderstood so I just wanted to take a moment to explain myself, okay?" "I'm not advocating, in any way shape or form, any type of racial hatred." "I'm just making fun of each other's cultures." "It's fun." "The problem is when you do stereotypical kind of jokes there's no room for subtleties." "People always say things, for instance, that white people can't dance." "It's not that white people can't dance." "Is that really how it goes?" "I don't think so." "Let's explore this further, okay?" "I'd like to introduce a piece now called, "White People Dancing."" "Hey, gang." "You know, all my life I've heard that white people can't dance." "I don't believe that." "I don't think it's so much that white people can't dance, it's just that they like certain musical instruments." "That instrument, my friends, is electric guitar." "It speaks directly to the soul of the white person." "They find it irresistible." "Now, with me, as you can see, is my good friend, John Mayer." "How are you?" "And we are going to test this theory this afternoon." "You ready?" "I'm ready." "Let's do it." "Let's go." "(Dave) It's my personal theory that when white people hear electric guitar, they cannot resist the urge to dance, no matter where they are." "And me and John went to different locations and put this theory to the test." "(man) And the shares could be, we could up them to about another 22%... (whispering) Okay, folks, here we are in a corporate boardroom." "You can see behind us working in the bullpens and right now a meeting is in progress." "We wanna see what happens when you play electric guitar in the most professional of settings." "Ready John?" "Yeah, I'm ready." "Okay, cool..." "go, go." "(slow  rhythmic guitar)" "I knew it, I knew it." "Come on, let's get outta here." "Okay, we've seen how white people respond to guitar music at work." "Now we're in a chic Manhattan restaurant." "It's lunchtime, the business crowd is here a lot of Bush votes in the room." "Let's see how the conservative crowd acts when they hear guitar music while they're eating." "John, play the fight riff, play it!" "(loud, harsh guitar)" "(Dave) These people are going... look at, look at him!" "Oh, my God, look at this!" "Oh!" "Oh, my gosh." "I have never seen anything like this, folks!" "(glass breaking)" "Enjoy your lunch, everybody." "All right... every experiment needs a control." "Now, right now, me and John are in a barber shop in Harlem." "Everyone here is either Black or Latino." "Let's see how electric guitar works on them." "Ready, John?" "Yeah." "Okay..." "okay go, go." "(loud, blues music)" "Hey, yo!" "Shut the fuck up!" "Okay, okay." "That went pretty much how I expected." "Now, let's see how the Blacks respond to drums." "(drum roll)" "Quest Love, go!" "(rhythmic beat)" "Aww... yeah!" "Yeah... yeah..." "unh!" "Yo, yo, yo..." "I'm not of any sex or any race if you were beatin' me it's like Billy Crystal playing' "Scarface"" "and I can't see it, blind to the eyes" "I get up in your face..." "boom, pow, surprise!" "Ohhhh... whoo!" "Whoo, that worked like gangbusters!" "But I still happened to notice some of the latin people were nodding their heads but they weren't really feelin' it as much as I thought they would." "But I think I got the remedy." "What would happen if I incorporated within that, an electric piano." "Sanchez, go!" "(Salsa music)" "All right, this is goin' great!" "Now I'm gonna kick it up a notch, watch this!" "(rambling in Spanish)" "Ay, curumba!" "Ole!" "Hey, guys, have a good day." "Sorry for interrupting." "So, what have we learned gang?" "We learned that white people can dance if you play what they like..." "electric guitar." "Of course we, the Blacks, can't resist drums and Latins love congos and electric piano with Spanish gibberish over it..." "I guess." "So, the next time someone says that someone from another race can't dance... all right, all right," "I'm gonna need to see a permit." "Excuse me?" "You have to have a permit to shoot out here." "And we will fine you." "John, do something, quick." "Eeh..." "Every rose has it's thorn." "Just like every night has its dawn." "That's my set!" "Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song..." "Hey, my man, how you know that song?" "I'm from the suburbs, man," "I can't help it." "I can't help it!" "Though it's been a while now" "I can still feel so much pain..." "Every rose has its thorn." "Just like every night has its dawn." "Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song." "Every rose has its thorn." "We're gonna take a quick commercial break." "Keep dancing, we'll be right back." "Goin' to Dave Chappelle's Show." "How's this?" "Hey, everybody, welcome back to Chappelle's Show." "Thanks for joining us." "You know, folks, I hate to hit this point so hard but remember, whenever we do these racial commentaries it's always about the subtleties." "We're all part of the same human family." "Our differences are just cultural, that's it." "For instance... when a white person is maybe having trouble sleeping you might take some kind of a... warm milk?" "I don't know what you drink." "Well, the black people, we have a sleeping aid too." "And it's just coming out on the market it's available for everyone's consumption and we're proud to be the first sponsor of the newest sleep aid for black America, here it is." "(grunting)" "What is it, honey?" "I got a big meeting tomorrow and I still can't sleep." "I took sleeping pills and everything." "Relax, honey." "I think I've got just the thing." "(woman) From the makes of "Valtran" and "Similox"" "comes America's #1 sleeping aid:" "Ribs." "Hickory!" "Oh, wow." "Here's how it works:" "Once ingested, Ribs go to work on your stomach spreading barbecue sauce and greasy porkiness throughout creating an age-old condition called the "itis."" "You'll feel sluggish, drowsy and should be asleep in a matter of minutes." "Got that itis... thanks, Ribs!" "Mmm... (farts)" "Mud butt... (cheers  applause)" "Like, what would be the inverse of that joke, if I did that joke for white people what would it be, like, turkey or something?" "I don't know." "Turkey, right?" "Well, that's a food that white people say," ""well, that sure makes me sleepy."" "Huh?" "What is it?" "(man) Box of wine." "Box of wine?" "Wine comes in a box, America?" "Damn." "He said that without hesitation... (speaking dryly) Box of wine." "Puts me right out." "We're gonna take a quick commercial break don't go nowhere, we've got more comedy for you on Chappelle's Show." "(applause)" "That's right." "Chappelle's Show." "Better not bring your kids!" "(cheers  applause)" "Welcome back." "Welcome back to Chappelle's Show, everybody." "One thing I've been hearing a lot recently is, they say, "you know, Dave," ""you make fun of everybody and everything but how come you never make fun of yourself?"" "'Cause it's not easy, I'm sensitive." "But, since you guys have been so good to me tonight," "I feel like I owe you no less." "This next piece is about the real Dave Chappelle... it's personal, it's actually very personal but here it is." "Hey, I'm Dave Chappelle, host of Chappelle's Show." "Many guys are familiar with my onscreen persona but the question keeps popping up:" "Who is Dave Chappelle, really?" "Well, guys, the answer isn't so simple." "You see, in the last 12 years" "I've been at least three different people." "There's me at 18." "Sincere, earnest, relentlessly optimistic." "Then there was me at 24." "Budding movie star, reefer addict and a man with a sexual appetite that would make Michael Douglas seem gay." "Then, of course, is the man who stands in front of you now." "Proud father, loyal husband and prompt taxpayer." "All three of these men have difference psyches and handled things in very different ways." "And with your permission," "I'd like to explore these three men tonight in a piece that I like to call:" "All right, first scenario:" "Let's say I'm having problems in a relationship." "Why don't we take a look at how I used to handle that at 18." "Charon..." "Charon, look, I wanna work this out but you gotta talk to me, you gotta open up." "Last week, when we were at that Das EFX concert," "I riggity-realized that I..." "I liggity-love you." "Piggity-pow." "Come on, girl, don't be like this." "You act like all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom in your boom boom." "Why you gotta be like this?" "!" "Clickity-claw!" "What a biggity-bitch." "I'm talkin' about myself of course." "All right, well, let's see how I handle relationship difficulties at 24." "I love her, but she don't trust me." "I can't be with someone who don't trust me." "Oh, that sounds terrible." "Do you want another song, honey?" "$10." "I know." "And the other day, you know what she had the nerve to say to me?" "That I smelled like I been at the titty bar." "So-the-fuck-what?" "Let's see how I handle relationship problems today now that I'm a father and a husband and all that good stuff." "(sigh)" "Baby... baby, you up?" "(grunting)" "Scenario two:" "Let's say I'm pulled over by the police and I'm being treated less than fairly." "These kinds of things happen." "Why don't we see how 18-year-old Dave used to handle that." "Help!" "Okay... now, let's take a look at 24-year old Dave." "I ain't do nothin'... get on the ground!" "On the ground!" "Hah!" "What about you!" "Why don't you get on the ground!" "That's right, gimme my license back!" "Now, spread your cheeks and lift yo' sack!" "That's right!" "And you know what?" "I am high..." "I'm high!" "And now, let's take a look at 30-year old Dave." "Hi, license, insurance and registration, please." "Sure." "Sorry about that, I was running late for a shoot for my show..." "Chappelle's Show." "I'm Dave Chappelle." "Yeah?" ""I'm rich bitch."" "Y-you haven't seen it?" "Don't get it." "Buckle up, baby!" "Hah!" "Over the last 12 years my career went through a lot of ups and downs." "And a lot of people ask me," ""Dave, how do you handle it when you lose out on a movie part that you really want?"" "That's a good question." "I'll show you how I used to handle it at 18, right now." "So, who got the part?" "The Wayans bothers?" "There's more?" "!" "And here's how I handled the same type of situation at 24." "Chris Tucker?" "Fuck!" "This is the second time this happened." "Who got the other part?" "Tell me, man, just..." "Jackie Chan?" "!" "That motherfucker can't even speak English!" "Shit!" "And now... here's how sensible shoe Dave handles it at 30." "Who?" "Who's Nick Cannon?" "Daddy, Nick Cannon is hilarious." "Man, fuck you, son!" "I'm glad you think he's so goddamn hilarious because he just walked off your school clothes money." "It's funny, isn't it?" "I'm broke, nigga, I'm broke!" "Well, I guess that gives you guys a pretty good idea about how I've changed over the years." "But before I go," "I just wanna give each me a chance to tell you their overall philosophy in life." "18-year old Dave, you're on." "When you lose... don't lose the lesson." "His holiness, the Dali Lama." "That was touching." "All right, how about you, me-at-24?" "Hey, hey, hey, hey... smoke weed everyday." "See ya'." "Dave at 30, what ya got for me?" "Fuck Nick Cannon." "Dave Chappelle." "He's hilarious." "You know, you actin' like a little bitch, a'ight?" "Stop saying that, you tryin' to make your father feel bad?" "I gotta pay all the bills around here... what, you gonna go tell your mother?" "Tell you mother I'm cussin' in the house?" "!" "That's right... shit!" "We're gonna take a quick commercial break." "But Dave-at-30 will be right back after these messages." "(man) Chappelle's Show." "Oww!" "Welcome back!" "Welcome back, everybody." "(cheers  applause)" "It is time for another Chappelle's Show musical performance." "As you can see tonight, we were lucky enough to have John Mayer and Quest Love from The Roots appear in our sketch." "And while we were shooting the sketch we actually shot a musical performance, just for fun." "This next one, folks, is just for you." "Please welcome yours truly, and the Dave Chappelle trio." "You know, folks, right now, the world is in trouble." "And I know it seems like the sketches we do are racey but this is all just comedy." "Really, it's all about love." "So this song, right now is not only going out to you at home and everyone across America, but everyone across the world." "And it goes a little something like this..." "Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum." "What might be right for you may not be right for some." "A man is born." "He's a man of means." "Then along come two, they got nothing but their dreams." "different strokes, it takes different strokes, it takes different strokes to rule the world." "Everybody's got their special kind of story." "Everybody's got a way to shine." "No matter what ya got, not a lot, so what?" "They'll have theirs, and you'll have yours, and I'll have mine, and together we'll be fine." "'Cause it takes different strokes, it takes different strokes, it takes, different strokes to rule the world," "different strokes to rule the... hmmmmmm..." "That was the gooch... all right!" "When the world never seems to be living up to your dreams." "Finally you're finding out the facts of life are all about you." "Unh!" "It takes a lot to get them right when you're learning the facts of, learning' the facts of, learnin' the facts of life, they're all about you..." "That's right." "It turns out that life is all about you." "Thanks for watching the show this week." "I'd like to thank my guests, John Mayer..." "Quest Love..." "John on keyboards." "I'm Dave Chappelle, I'll see you guys next week." "I'll see you next week, everybody." "God bless, I'm out." "(cheers  applause)" "(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!" "(horn honks)" "Hi, thank you." "Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill." "Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill." "Now we're up in the big league, gettin' our turn at bat." "As long we live, it's you and me baby." "Ain't nothin' wrong with that." "Well, we're movin' on up to the east side!" "To a dee-luxe apartment in the sky..." "Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Chappelle's Show." "Oww." "Woo-hoo-hoo." "Woo-hoo." "Yeah, yeah." "Let's start the show.." "(man) You've just met that special someone, and you're letting your desire for each other take you to incredible heights." "But these days, you can never be too sure they aren't going to dispute whether the sex was consensual." "Mm, mm..." "wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Before we go any further..." "Which is why this night calls for:" "The Love Contract." "What's this?" "Nothing, it's just a document saying that you're a willing participant in this sexual experience, baby." "Well, I am." "Just sign here and here... and initial there, for oral." "Oral?" "I'm gonna do you, too." "Okay." "And just initial there, if you decline anal." "Unless, of course you..." "No no no, it's not going down." "Pretty much standard, okay." "I don't know about you, but..." "I'm still horny." "Let's do this, girl." "Oh... oh, make me feel good!" "The Love Contract." "Because you'd hate to catch a beef for something you know you didn't do." "And now..." "Yow!" "(grunting)" "Ah..." "Oh..." "Well, that didn't take too long." "I know." "Just do me a favor, okay?" "Don't tell anybody about this." "From the makers of The Love Contract comes:" "The Confidentiality Agreement." "Don't worry." "I'm not gonna tell anybody." "I know you won't." "Or I'll sue your ass..." "Kobe!" "Available at all Wall-Barts." "(man) Ladies and gentlemen," "Dave Chappelle...!" "Oh, boy!" "Hey, everybody." "Hey, man." "Welcome to Chappelle's Show." "How about that Love Contract?" "That might be a Hollywood joke, you know." "Hollywood's a crazy place." "I don't know if you guys know people that work in Hollywood, or talk to people..." "There's a guy that does sketches on our show, Charlie Murphy." "He was, like, "Tyree" in "The Mad Real World."" "That's Eddie Murphy's older brother." "A lot of people don't know that but, he used to just tell us stories at lunchtime about being in Hollywood that were so crazy." "And he told us one story that was so good we had to have him come here and tell it for you guys tonight." "Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise," "Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories." "(applause)" "I get out the Navy, my brother's famous." "His fame is exploding." "I'm real proud of that, you know what I mean?" "I'm getting to hang out with people that I only read about in magazines and seen, you know, on the screen somewhere." "I'm, like, standing next to them and being at dinner tables with them and, you know, it was a bug-out, man." "You know, I was a huge Rick James fan." "That's the first person that I would say out of all the celebrities that I met that I was starstruck." "We gonna hang out with Rick James tonight you know what I'm saying?" "And here he comes out the room, when I look at him... and I'm not bullshitting you, man," "I seen, like... like a orange..." "his aura or whatever," "I seen it, it was orange." "Give it to me, baby he started kicking it." "And he was mad-niggerish, man, which was right up my alley." "I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time." "I'm one of the best singers and one of the best-lookin' motherfuckers you've ever seen." "Hold my drink, bitch." "He'd walk up to any chick and lick the whole side of their face, man." "I'm Rick James, bitch." "Enjoy yourself." "Heh, heh, heh..." "We got closer, started hanging out." "My brother didn't do any of this shit." "So, at night, when Eddie would break out we would all be getting crazy and wild." "And if I was hanging with Rick, he had this thing with me where he used to always, like, fuck with me, man." "I don't know what started it." "Charlie, he was hanging out with the big dogs, you know?" "Charlie, he didn't know he was doing crazy things and I had to straighten him out." "Sometimes I had to go upside his head." "Things escalated to the point where" "(Charlie) You know, my man got too familiar and I ended up having to whip his ass, man, you know, because... you know, because he would step across the line." "Habitually..." "he's a habitual line-stepper." "The first time, you know," "I had to end up whipping his ass, uh... we went to "Studio 54."" "We walking' up into the VIP section and, um," "I'm looking around to see who's there and lookin' at the girls and everything." "And all of a sudden I heard someone go..." "Charlie Murphy!" "That was, cold-blooded... heh, heh, heh!" "He had this ring on to commemorate this song he had put out called "Unity."" "And this was imprinted in that black head of his for at least a week." "Unity..." "Eddie and everybody else thought that that was the funniest shit." "And so, that threw me in a weird space 'cause I'm, like, yeah, this is Rick James, he's a star..." "I'm Rick James, bitch." "This is a celebration, bitch." "Maybe I'm overreacting." "I actually went there, like, maybe I shouldn't do nothing but my ghetto side was goin'" ""yo, stomp this motherfucker out, right here." "What the fuck is wrong with him?"" "I drunk some wine and I'm just getting started, bitches." "Heh, heh, heh..." "He totally just wrote me off." "Like, I'm that nigga to steal on, you know what I'm sayin'?" "What, he's gonna slap me back?" "I'm Rick James, he's Charlie Murphy." "I waited, 'cause I knew what hotel he was stayin' in." "Eddie and them went home and I said, "yo, I'll be right back."" "I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room, knocked on the door... so, then, he comes in there." "And I said, "look, bitch, I'm Rick James." "Smack me!"" "Heh, heh, heh..." "Oh, Charlie Murphy!" "He had his head cocked to throw another right hand." "When he was coming for it, I just came... blaow!" "I caught him with the front." "He'll tell it like he gave me some kind of Bruce Lee crosskick or somethin'." "I kicked the shit out of him, man." "Aahh!" "The wind is knocked out of him." "And then he screams out... security!" "The one in the front, he had crooked eyes and shit." "His one eye was lookin' at me, the other one was looking at Rick." "Rick had edged over by the window." "Now, Darkness, the tables are turned." "Do with him whatever you like." "You motherfuckers take one more step," "I'm kickin' this nigga out the motherfuckin' window." "Bobby, freeze!" "You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier." "Look what you did to my face." "I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident." "I was having too much fun." "I'll offer you a truce." "The stickiest of the icky." "You wanna smoke with the old boy, Rick James?" "Yo, my forehead is bumpin', man." "Now that you mention it," "I think I'm bleeding inside my chest." "But I got the medicine." "Bitch, come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy." "I'm Rick James, bitch." "That was how that particular incident ended, but it wasn't the last time I had to whip his ass... whip his ass..." "whip his ass." "Don't you think Charlie's a little old to be taking karate?" "He probably taking' it with the little kids." "Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass in his dreams." "I told you, Charlie had delusions of grandeur." "I'm telling you what was happening." "I'm Rick James, bitch." "You guys at home, stay comfortable because the whole episode's gonna be just like this." "We'll be right back with more Chappelle show." "I'm going to the Dave Chappelle show." "How's this?" "(cheers  applause)" "We're back with more Chappelle's Show." "You know, folks..." "I don't know if you guys are just joining us but if you missed the first act," "Charlie and Rick James are in the midst of a conflict." "Let's see how the ongoing" "Charlie and Rick James feud develops." "The Studio 54 thing, that blew over, you know what I'm saying?" "But then, you know, here we go again." "Cocaine is a hell of a drug." "(chuckles)" "Rick is encouraging me." "You know, he shows up at my brother's house, fucked up." "Nice place, nigga." "(Charlie) So, he had these dirty cowboy boots on." "Pushing us out of the way, barged in the house." "My brother had these brand new couches." "They were suede, right?" "And he gets on the couch and says:" "Why don't I stretch out?" "Heh, heh, heh... and just started grinding mud all into the couch, man." "Hell, yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch." "(man) You remember why you did it?" "Because Eddie could buy another one." "Fuck your couch, nigga." "Buy another one, you rich motherfucker." "Fuck yo' couch, nigga!" "Fuck yo' couch!" "Darknesses, Darknesses... 'cause of my complexion he used to call me "Darkness."" "He calls me and my brother "Darkness."" "He always says, "Darkness Brothers."" "See, this is long before Wesley Snipes." "Back then, we was the blackest niggas on the planet according to Rick James." "Both of them were Brother Darkness." "Twin Brother Darkness." "And we standing there, looking at him and he's looking right in our eyes as he grinds his mud... see, I never just did things just to do them." "Come on, I mean, what am I gonna do?" "Just, all of a sudden, just jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch like it's something to do?" "Come on, I got a little more sense than that." "Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch." "(tape rewinding)" "See, I never just did things just to do them." "Come on, I mean, what am I gonna do?" "Just, all of a sudden, just jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch like it's something to do?" "Come on, I got a little more sense than that." "Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch." "But then it was like," ""you know what?" "Let's handle this."" "We went over there..." "Hey, Charlie Murphy!" "And we held him down, and we just wailed on his legs." "Aahhh!" "Aah, you Darkness... you black, midnight evil motherfucker!" "Black magic, Darkness!" "You're all Darkness!" "You're fuckin'..." "delirious motherfucker..." "Aah!" "You are cold as ice." "But, still, Rick James, even after taking a beating like that..." "Fuck yo couch, nigga." "This motherfucker's goin' out." "His legs is like, like, linguine." "I've been kicked out of better homes than this!" "I'll be back, you black motherfuckers!" "Wide-nose-havin' motherfuckers!" "They shoulda never gave you niggas money!" "You don't know how to appreciate shit!" "You know you can get another couch!" "What am I gonna do about my legs, Eddie Murphy!" "My brother, you know, he's a lot more compassionate than I am." "He's looking and the limo's drivin' off and he said," ""wow, man..." "Rick really needs help."" "And I was, like," ""yo, we just gave him some help." ""Bust his fuckin' ass and shit." ""I bet you he won't come over here and disrespect like that again."" "Wrong... wrong!" "We're talkin' about Rick James, man." "Cocaine's a hell of a drug." "I'm Rick James, bitch." "Don't go nowhere, we'll be right back." "With more of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories." "Chappelle's Show." "Better not bring your kids!" "(cheers  applause)" "All right... and now, ladies and gentlemen." "It is time for the dramatic conclusion of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories." "I had to fuck him up at 54." "You know, for what he did at 54," "I had to go to his hotel and kick the shit out of him." "Then, he came over to my brother's house and I had to whip his legs because of what he did on the couch." "I heard him tell a story that he came into the China Club one time and I was behind the bar." "Now, this is true." "(Charlie) This particular night," "I go over to the China Club." "And, um, I walk in and I'll never forget the first thing I seen was O.J. Simpson." "I remember thinking to myself," ""wow, that's O.J. Simpson!" "He has a big fuckin' head, man."" "And I walk from there, I went in the other section and there's Rick behind the bar." "Drink up!" "Be merry!" "Welcome, to the China Club." "A China chung-chang a China chung-chung chang." "Rick's, you know, being Rick." "Come on, baby, show me your titties" "I'm Rick James, do something!" "Umm... umm..." "I wish I had more hands." "So I could give those titties four thumbs down..." "heh, heh, heh..." "I ain't realize how high he was." "Next thing you know, he's like..." "Charlie Murphy!" "What's up, partner?" "Darkness, everybody, Darkness!" "Everyone, Darkness is spreading!" "Come over here, Charlie." "I'm behind the bar and I'm serving drinks and Charlie bends over," "I call out, "Charlie, come here."" "Charlie... there's a new joke going around, have you heard it?" "What did the five fingers say to the face?" "What?" "Slap!" "Cold blooded..." "Bang, bang!" "I'm Rick James, bitch!" "Everybody..." "King Kong ain't got shit on me!" "I'm standing there, I'm thinking, this nigga really has lost his fuckin' mind." "First of all, you don't slap a man." "Okay?" "I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, you know, they did it in Paris, the guy would come up, whap-whap..." ""I challenge you to a duel!"" "They would have a gun fight after that, somebody had to go!" "I just was bugging out." "Anyway, I waited for about five minutes, something like that." "That's right, bitch." "That's right, bitch, heh, heh, heh... ahh, Darkness!" "'Sup, man?" "Darkness!" "Check it out, check it out." "I wanna tell you somethin', come here." "Oh, what's goin' on?" "Ow!" "I slapped the shit out of him." "God damn!" "I came down on it, like this." "His extensions was flyin' all over the place." "That is absurd!" "And he stepped back and his eyes welled up with water like he was getting ready to cry, and he said... why you hit me like that, Charlie?" "!" "'Cause you hit me, man!" "That was weeks ago, motherfucker" "I was partying!" "No, that was tonight!" "And I see that he really forgot." "I hit you tonight?" "Cocaine's a hell of a drug." "I'm sorry, Charlie." "Come here, Darkness." "Ha!" "Heh, heh, heh..." "it's a celebration!" "Bitches..." "come here." "It's a celebration, bitches." "Show Charlie Murphy your titties." "I'm Rick James." "The milk's gone bad!" "That was the ebb and flow." "It was, you know, he would go over the top and then I would check him." "And then we would have fun after that." "We were still friends, as a matter of fact." "I love Charlie Murphy." "But we'd have it out, smacking each other upside the heads... smacking each other in the face... punching each other in the chest... kick each other." "(slow motion) Fuck yo' couch, nigga!" "Fuck yo' couch!" "Ow!" "They shoulda never gave you niggas money!" "Can you imagine two grown men doing this?" "Cocaine's a hell of a drug." "(chuckling)" "I must be losing my mind." "Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy come kicking my ass." "Ain't that a "B?"" "I'm Rick James, bitch." "(cheers  applause)" "I would like to thank Charlie Murphy." "And I would like to thank Rick James, and I would like to thank cocaine for bringing us such a crazy story." "I'm Dave Chappelle, you're the best audience in the world." "I'm out!" "(cheers  applause)" "They shoulda never gave you niggas money!" "(horn honks)" "Hi, thank you." "(man) How did Rick James pick up a girl in the '80s?" "How did I pick up girls in the '80s?" "I ain't have to say much." "Charlie had to go through this whole thing." ""Uh, can I buy you a drink." ""Uh..." ""what sign are you." ""This is my friend, Rick James." "We're goin' over to Rick James's house."" "That's how Charlie picked up girls after they was drinking." ""We're goin' over to Rick's house after the club, you wanna come?"" "(chuckling)" "Charlie used my name to pick up girls."