"# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by #" " Lionel?" " Yes?" "I'd like to go out." "What, now?" "No, not now." "More often." "We went out today." "That was to the cooker showroom." "That doesn't count." "I mean to dinner, things like that." "We went out for a curry last week." "That wasn't last week, it was a month ago." " Are you sure?" " Well, five weeks ago, to be precise." " As long ago as that?" " Yes." "The weeks just fly by, don't they?" "Yes, they all seem to run into one - not the days, the evenings." "I mean, we have dinner, we watch television, we go to bed." "We can always try it in reverse order!" "Ignore me." "I'm just having a moan." "Fair enough." "Well, I didn't mean ignore me!" " Then why say it?" " I was hoping, obviously hopelessly, that you'd press me on the subject." " Oh." " Don't feel you have to." "Well, I obviously have to." "So?" "Now you're only pressing me because I asked you to." " I'm in a no-win situation." " Oh, sorry." "Ignore me." "Fine." "I was joking." "You're bored, that's what you're saying." " Not with you." " I'm the one you watch television with." "It's just that there don't seem to be any surprises lately." "I see." "And would you?" "No." " Would I what?" " Would you like a surprise?" " Oh, Lionel!" " I know." "Yes, as a matter of fact, I would." "Ask me when, I'll kick you out of bed." "I wasn't going to." " Just some time." " Times, actually." " Times." " Mm." "Yes." " Aaaaaargh!" " Aargh!" "God!" "Why on earth did you do that?" "I thought I'd just get the first surprise out of the way to avoid waiting around for it." "Not the sort of thing I had in mind." "It's all I could come up with on the spur of the moment." "I will think of something." "But I don't honestly consider myself a very surprising sort of person." "In Los Angeles, you disarmed a crazed writer, I call that surprising." "It's not a situation that's likely to repeat itself, is it?" "Not unless we find the Crazed Writers' Club and go there a lot, no." " Oh, don't look like that." " I was just thinking, that's all." "I don't want you to really." "It'd be such a strain, with you trying to think of a surprise, and me wondering when you will and what it'll be." "Is it really five weeks since I took you out for that curry?" "It's five weeks and two days, actually." " I'll take you out for dinner tomorrow." " Oh, good!" "Where would you..." "No." "We won't have a curry." "We'll go somewhere we've never been before." " Lovely!" " Hm." "Oh, it's Thursday tomorrow, I can't." " Why not?" " Something I want to watch on TV." " Morning!" " (Both) Morning!" "(Chuckling)" "What's the joke?" "We heard you scream last night." " Oh." " We're not asking why." "Well, if you must know, Lionel was giving me a surprise." " Was he?" " Not that kind of surprise." "He suddenly roared and I screamed, that's all." "He hasn't taken to roaring, has he?" " No, of course he hasn't." " Well, why did he do it?" "Well, because I told him that life seemed a bit samey recently, a bit flat, and the odd surprise wouldn't come amiss." "And Lionel roaring wasn't quite what you had in mind." "Well, he was joking." "But I wish I hadn't mentioned the word surprise." "It's like saying, "tickle me when I least expect it" - it's a strain on both of you." "You mean Lionel planning a surprise knowing that you know he's planning a surprise." "And me knowing he knows, yes." "Oh, I'll put him off the idea." "I'll tell him it was just a mood." " It wasn't though, was it?" " Well, I love Lionel dearly, but he's turning into a slippers and pipe man a little early, that's all." " Take a lover." " I'm saving that for a really rainy day." " Shouldn't you two be off at work?" " Why don't you come in with us?" " What for?" " In your advisory capacity." "What would you want me to advise you about?" " Erm..." " Well, there's always something." " Yeah, course there is." " Lots of things." "Off you go." "Perhaps it was just a mood." " See you tonight then." " All right." "Bye." "Mum, was Lionel ever a surprising sort of chap?" "(Sharp intake of breath)" "He had his moments." " Morning, you two." " (Both) Morning!" "(Both roar)" "I just got roared at." "Well, they heard me scream, and I told them why." " Coffee?" " Stay there, I'll get it." "Would you like to go to the lmperial War Museum?" " The Imperial War Museum?" " Yes." " Why?" " Well, have a look round." "It's all tanks and things." "It was just a thought." "Lionel, forget I ever said the word surprise." "If I were planning a surprise, I hope I'd come up with somewhere more inventive than the lmperial War Museum." " Sorry." " Victoria and Albert Museum?" "Let's just forget surprises altogether, shall we?" "Yes, probably best." "So, are you going?" " Where?" " The Imperial War Museum." "Yes." "I might say hello to the tanks and things." "Don't stand still too long, they might take you for an exhibit." "Yes, subaltern, Middlesex Regiment, Korean War." " Slightly the worse for wear." " I think you're lovely." " Takes all sorts." " Well, off you go then." " I haven't had my breakfast yet." " Oh no!" "Sorry." "Well, what would you like?" "I don't really know, let me think." "Eggs and bacon, I'll have eggs and bacon." "Lucky you turned up, there was no one in." "Another minute, you'd have missed me." "Yes." "Go on through." "So why does a guy go to the lmperial War Museum?" " Call it a whim." "I'm at a funny age." " So, what was it like?" " Quite remarkable." " Really?" "Yes, really." "Sit down, Alistair." "Erm, can I get you something to drink?" " Slim min, please, Lionel." " Slim min." "Oh!" "A note from Jean, funny place to leave it." "You found it." ""Gone shipping" - no that can't be right." ""Gone shopping - you found the note, you old boozer." "Love, Jean."" "I had a sushi with Judy at lunch time." " Did you really?" " Which is why I wanted to talk to you." "You're not persuading me to eat raw fish." "(Laughs) No, no, no." "The roaring in the night." "Why is what I do in the night suddenly everybody's business?" "I want to help." "It's not like snoring, I don't do it when I'm asleep." "No, not the roaring - the root cause." "You and Jean were talking about how life's becoming a tad predictable." "Is our bedroom bugged?" "Judy told me." "Remind me to have a word with her about discretion." "She has your welfare at heart, so do I." "Look, I know this is all very well intentioned, but I don't need help." "Jean told me this morning it was just a mood." " Uh-oh." " The word surprise is out of circulation." " Uh-oh." " Why are you making those noises?" "Because you are committing the ultimate sin - you are believing her." "She's an honest person." "Hey, I know that." "On a scale of one to ten for honesty, the lady rates eleven." "But she's lying." "Taken from the Alistair Deacon Guide To Understanding Women, is it?" "A slim volume" " I don't pretend to understand women but I am familiar with the Please-Don't-Do-That syndrome." " I bet you are." " Li, please." "All right." "And what is this Please-Don't-Do-That syndrome?" "Let's see." "You're out shopping with your lady, right?" "And she falls in love with a piece of jewellery, right?" "Now, this is some lady, so you offer to buy it for her, right?" " Possibly." " Bear with me, Li, please." " And what does she say?" " "Ta"?" ""Ta"?" "All right, she probably says, "It's very expensive, you shouldn't"." "Close." "She says, "It's far too expensive, you mustn't"." "Does she mean it?" "Look, this is all just so much psychobabble." " Does she mean it?" " I don't even know her." "Does Jean mean it when she says, "No surprises"?" "If I'd come back a minute later, I'd have missed you." " And we'd have been too late." " Too late for what?" " (Door opens)" " Shh!" " (Jean) Are you back?" " In here." "Oh, how were the tanks and things?" " Oh, hello, Alistair." " Hey, those ain't Tesco's." "I bought one dress and then another." "I didn't intend to, but then I liked one and then another, I thought why not, and I bought them both." "Ridiculously expensive." "What was that look for?" "Look?" "I didn't do a look." " Women do buy dresses." " I didn't say a thing." "I'm going to try them on, I hope I still like them." "Well, what was that look for?" "That is the l-Don't-Know-Why- l-Bought-Two-Dresses syndrome," " She is bored." " So it has to be surprise time." "Perhaps." "But I'm not clanking down the road in a suit of armour." "Of course not." "You are taking her to Barbados." "Barbados?" "When?" "How about... tomorrow?" "Tomorrow?" "(Scoffs)" " Could we do that?" " I'll fix everything." "And remember, not a word to Jean until the very moment before you leave." "Surprise." "Bye, Li." " I'll see you later." " Right." "Oh, now that one I like, you look sensational." "This is what I came in in." " Well, you look sensational anyway." " Thank you." "You're coming back later?" "Yes, yes." "Just a few things to tidy up." "You two have been doing housework?" "Nice one, nice one." "Well, must run, places to go, faces to talk to." "Ciao!" "Bye." " I like them both." " Who?" " The dresses." " Oh." "Good." " You look a bit peculiar." " Thank you." " What did Alistair want?" " Oh, this and that." " You know him." " He says he's coming back later." " Yes." " What for?" "Oh... this and that." " Would you like a drink?" " No, this and that what?" " What?" " This and that what?" "Oh." "Well, actually, he's trying to persuade me to write another book." " Oh, what did you say?" " No, I said no." "So why is he coming back later?" "To try again, I suppose." "Perhaps he thinks that the longer the day goes on, the weaker my resistance gets." "Perhaps he does." " I bought a handbag too." " Oh." " Did you?" "Good." " I don't need another handbag!" "The why..." "It doesn't matter, you can never have too many handbags." "That was said with great authority." "You still look peculiar, are you sure everything's all right?" "Yes." "Fine, really." " (Door closes)" " There are the girls." " Why the excitement?" " It's always nice to see them, isn't it?" "(Whispers) No, not in there, I want to talk to you." "Here." " Where are you going?" " Er, we decided to cook the dinner." "Oh, that's nice." " Isn't it a bit early?" " Erm..." " Yes, I suppose it is." " I'll go up and get changed then." "Yes, I'll go up and get changed as well." "Where are you going?" "I'm going up to get changed as well." " Why are you coming?" " I don't want to be left out!" " Tomorrow?" " I know." "Ridiculous, isn't it?" "I think it's really romantic, two weeks in Barbados!" "It had to be these two weeks." "Alistair said it's the only time the villa's free." " I'm glad you said yes." " Yeah, so am I, I think." "What about packing?" "Oh, it doesn't take me long." "I meant Jean." "You can't just wake a woman up and say, "You've got half an hour to pack"." " Can't you?" " No, of course you can't." "Mum would go to pieces, she'd pack all the wrong stuff, then you'd be off to a bad start." "All right, I'll sneak upstairs and pack a case for her later." "It's a bad idea, is it?" " That's a terrible idea." " You wouldn't know what to pack." "No, you're right." "Women always talk about little tops when they go on holiday." "You two can do it, you know what she'd take." "Yeah." "Yeah, we could." "But how would we pack a case with her in the house?" "She'd be bound to hear us." "Oh, why don't I just tell her now?" " No, don't give up now." " Well, what do we do then?" " Think of something." " (Sighs)" " Erm..." " Oh, how's the dinner going?" " Oh, very well." " You never did change." " Didn't I?" " You just sat on the bed" " and talked to me while I changed." " I don't really know why I went up." "What say we go out to eat this evening?" "Well, the girls are cooking dinner." "Yes, I know, but it's nothing very exciting." "Why should I want an exciting dinner?" "I don't know." "Break the mould a bit I suppose." "Lionel." "We had this conversation about dinner last night and I said no thank you." "Why are you asking me again?" "Women sometimes change their minds." "I said I wanted to watch something on TV." " What, that serial thing?" " It's not a "serial thing", it's a serial." "I couldn't work out who was who." "I'm not surprised, you slept through most of the first episode." "They're sure to repeat it." " Well, let's go out to dinner tomorrow." " We can't." " Why?" " Well, um..." " We could, yes." " Well, make your mind up." "I have." "Tomorrow we shall have dinner somewhere where we've never had dinner before." "That's a promise." "Oh!" "All right." "Right then." "Well, I'll go and get the sprouts on." "They never give them long enough." " (Doorbell)" " I'll get it." "If that's Alistair, stand firm about another book." " What?" " (Quietly) It doesn't matter." "Shh!" "We are all systems go." "Tickets, travellers' cheques, and a car will pick you up in Bridgetown." " I'm very grateful." " Hey, my pleasure." " What are you whispering about?" " It's a surprise." " What?" "!" " What?" " For Judy." " Oh, how lovely!" "Well, come in!" "I'll just see to the sprouts." "Well, sit down, Alistair." "What's the surprise for Judy?" "Oh, that!" "I'm planning to fly her to Paris." "For lunch." "Tomorrow." " Lunch?" " Yes." "Oh, how lovely!" "Oh, I wish..." " You wish what?" " Forget it." "Did I hear Li say sprouts?" "Yes." "He and the girls are cooking dinner." "Stay and have some, if you're not busy." "Oh, I'd like that." "Are you sure there'll be enough?" "Oh yes, when Lionel cooks, there's always more than enough." "He tends to think in army portions." " Good old Li." " Yes." "Alistair, do me a favour." " Anything." " Leave him alone." "Pardon?" "Well, he's happy." "He's perfectly content as he is." "I hate to admit this, but I'm not following you." " Don't pester him to write another book." " I'm not!" "This morning Lionel said you were trying to get him to write another book." "Oh, that." "That wasn't pestering - that was just a gentle nudge." "Well, no more nudging then, however gentle." " You've got it." " When are you telling Judy about Paris?" "Oh, er, tomorrow." "Surprises are always best left till the very last moment." "Yes." "I suppose so." "Mum must be getting old if she'd rather stay in and watch a serial on television than go out to dinner." " Well, I did my best." " Is it a loud serial?" "I don't think it can be, it sent me to sleep." "Why?" "Well, this packing." "I suppose we could try tiptoeing about upstairs but if it's one of those quiet programmes..." " Phew!" "Should have warned me, Li." " What about?" " My cover story for being here earlier." " Oh." "It's all right, I managed to squeeze out of it and I'm staying to dinner." "You can rush into my arms, if you like." "Solve our problems and we just might." "Name the problems." "We wanted Mum out of the house so we could do her packing for tomorrow." "She wants to watch television." "Mm, I see." "I shall need a second or two on this one." " As long as that?" " Don't be sarcastic, Lionel." " We can't think of anything." " I can." "Give up the idea of secret packing and tell Jean." " (Girls) No!" " Hold everything!" "I'm about to be brilliant." " Is Jean a heavy sleeper?" " Fairly." "We can't bang about and pack a suitcase with her in the same room." "But what if it weren't in the same room?" "How would we get the clothes out of her wardrobe?" "No, I mean, what if Jean doesn't sleep in her own room tonight?" "And just how do we manage that?" "Wait till she's asleep and dump her on the landing?" " Something a little more subtle, I think." " What?" "Haven't thought of it yet." "(Romantic music on TV)" " (Sighs)" " Was quiet, wasn't it?" "What, quiet as in boring?" "No, quiet as in not having a lot of noise in it." "What a funny thing to say!" "I think the sister with the limp is at the bottom of it." "Course not, she couldn't cope with the stairs!" "Maybe it's a fake limp." "She fell off a horse when she was five." " When?" " Last week." "I didn't watch it last week." "Don't jump to conclusions about fake limps then!" "What's Lionel and Alistair doing?" "Having quality guy time in the kitchen." " (Lionel) Oh, my God!" " What is it?" "!" "Could somebody lend me a hand?" "Alistair's fallen over." "Is he hurt?" "The state he's in, he's feeling no pain whatsoever." "# Please release me, let me go" " # For I don't... #" " For goodness' sake!" "Have I shrunk?" "Or have you all... got very tall?" " Alistair Deacon, you're drunk." " I've shrunk!" " And I'm drunk as a skunk!" " This is your fault!" "I'm not his father." "He was fine sitting down." " He's sitting down now." " I'm not a skunk!" "I am a mole and I live in a hole." "Right, let's get him up, come on." " # Up, up and away, in my... #" " Be quiet, Alistair!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "#... beautiful balloon #" " What shall we do?" " Take him upstairs and put him to bed!" " Very well." " Come on, Mr Mole." "No, no, no, please!" " This is guy stuff." " It's all right, I can manage." "I wish you were my father, Li." " Keep walking!" " # Comrades, comrades" "# Ever since we were boys" "# Sharing in life's sorrows sharing in life's joys #" "You're overacting." "# Sharing in life's sorrows sharing in life's joys #" "I can't understand it." "He only had two glasses of wine at dinner." "But they had another two bottles while we were watching that serial." " Why would he do that?" " Boys will be boys, I suppose." " And so will grown men sometimes." " Lionel seems perfectly all right." "Well, you've tasted his chilli con carne - he's got guts of iron." " Sleeping like a baby." " I'm not surprised." "Who's room's he in, Sandy's or Judy's?" " Ours." " Ours?" "I didn't want to barge about in the girls' rooms." " Where are we going to sleep?" " No problem, you have my room," " I'll sleep in with Sandy." " It's a single bed." " We'll manage." " I'm talking about us." "We can squeeze in." "If you're really worried, I can always sleep on the floor." "And get that martyred look?" "No, thank you." "Oh, we'll manage - it's just all so silly." " It worked!" " You'll get Mum to sleep as soon as possible, won't you?" "What do you expect me to do, sing her a lullaby?" "Just knock on our door when she's asleep." "For goodness' sake, don't fall asleep yourself." "I suppose this is all worth it." " Do you want a punch on the nose?" " Two punches on the nose." "Course it's worth it." "(Knock on door)" " You were a long time!" " She wouldn't go to sleep." " Now let's get packing." " I'd better come with you." " Why?" " Well..." "You're a dying breed, Lionel." "Look, you get back to bed with Mum, just in case she stirs." "I just hope she doesn't spread out or I'll never be able to get back into bed again." "Now, is this a fantasy, or is this a fantasy?" " If it is, it's a very peculiar one." " Two beauties creeping into my room?" " And packing a suitcase?" " Takes all sorts, I suppose." "Here, let me do that." " It's heavier than it looks." " Come on." "There must be something in it." "Shh!" " It's all right." " (Jean) I tell you, I heard a thump." " (Lionel) You imagined it." " Quick, lights." " (Shouts) Let's just go back to bed!" " (Whispers) Not so loud!" "Look, he's fallen out of bed." " That's all right, come on." " No, we can't just leave him like that!" "Well, if we wake him up, he might start singing again." " He's sound asleep." " Yes, well come on." " Come on." " Oh, Lionel!" "(Alistair) All clear!" "Right." "Let's ride our luck and get cracking." "No, hang on, we've got to give Mum time to get back to sleep." "(Groans)" "Might as well have a lie-down while we're waiting." " Be on their way by now." " I'll never forget Mum's face" " Be on their way by now." " I'll never forget Mum's face when Lionel told her." "Thanks, Alistair." "Hey, I got the fantasy of two beauties creeping into my room, what more could a guy ask for?" "(Door clatters)" " That's the front door." " Oh, no." "(Jean sighs)" " Hello!" " Hello." " Why?" " I double-checked everything." "I know you did, Alistair, but I didn't." "Not your fault, you couldn't have known." " Known what?" " My passport's out of date." "Well, it's the last time I ever try to arrange a surprise." "You did brilliantly." "You all did brilliantly." " Never mind sounds totally inadequate." " Never mind." "Don't unpack!" "You are leaving for Barbados tomorrow." " How?" "We can't." " If Sandy and I stand in line at the passport office all day, we'll come home with a new one." "I make a few calls, change the travel and ticket arrangements." "You can make sure we packed the right things." "And we get some sleep tonight." " OK, troops, move out." " How lovely!" " They're good kids." " Kids?" "From where I stand, yes." "Talking of kids, I've got another surprise for you." "You're not pregnant?" "I was going to wait until we got to Barbados, but I don't want to save it till then." "What is it?" " The Imperial War Museum." " What about it?" "Well, they had a BFPO exhibition on." "Is that a tank?" "No, it's not a tank - British Forces Post Office." " Oh." " Letters home from the front," " to wives and sweethearts." " Well, sorry, but I don't..." " The letter?" " Yes." "There it was, all faded in a glass case." "A letter from Second Lieutenant Hardcastle to Nurse Jean Pargetter." "Posted in Korea." "But it never arrived." "How could it have ended up in the lmperial War Museum?" " I haven't any idea." " We've got to see it." "It's all right - they've photocopied it for me." "Ah!" "There." "Sorry it's a bit late." ""My darling Jean..."" "What's that word?" "Er..."miracle"." "Ah!" " If I'd have got that..." " No ifs." "Oh, it's a beautiful letter, Lionel." "You really did love me." "I still do." "Oh!" "# Moonlight and love songs never out of date" "# Hearts full of passion jealousy and hate" "# Woman needs man and man must have his mate" "# That no one can deny" "# It's still the same old story a fight for love and glory" "# A case of do or die" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "# As time goes by #"