"Here at the age of thirty-nine" "I began to be old." "As I lay in that dark hour" "I was aghast to realise that something within me long sickening had quietly died." "I felt as a husband might feel who in the fourth year of his marriage suddenly knew he had no longer any desire or tenderness or esteem for a once beloved wife." "We had been through it together, the army and I from the first importunate courtship until now when nothing remained to us except the chill bonds of law and duty and custom." "We were leaving that day and I reflected that whatever scenes of desolation lay ahead of us" "I never feared one more brutal than this." "So on this morning of our move" "I was entirely indifferent to our destination." "I would go on with my drum but I could bring it to nothing more than acquiescence." "When we had marched into this camp in the winter of 1943" "I had brought with me a company of strong and pitiful men." "Word had gone round among them that we were at last in transit for the Middle East." "But, as the weeks passed and the snow began to clear" "I saw their disappointment change to resignation and I, who by every precept should have put heart into them how could I help them who could so little help myself?" "Morning, sir." "Morning Sergeant Major." "How's the move going?" "Last stores ready for loading 15:00, sir." "Good." "Has Mr Hooper appeared yet?" "Haven't seen him at all this morning, sir." "Has that been entered in the book?" "Wind in the night, sir?" "That will do." "Morning, Hooper." "Morning, sir." "I should like to speak to Mr Hooper, Sergeant Major." "Very good, sir." "Where the devil have you been?" "I told you to inspect the lines." "Am I late?" "Sorry." "Had a rush getting my gear together." "That's what you a servant for." "Well I suppose you're right, strictly speaking." "But you know how it is, he had his own stuff to do." "The trouble with Desmond is that if I get on the wrong side of him he takes it out of me in other ways." "I'm not surprised, if you're so familiar with him." "Cap badge, Hooper!" "Yes." "C.O.'s orders, all distinguishing marks to be removed." "And what are you wearing all that gear for anyway?" "You're not in the advance party." "I am." "Aren't I?" "Of course you're not." "The orders were changed." "Don't you ever read the company notice board?" "You don't mean they changed it all again?" "There you go." "Typical shambles." "Total inefficiency." "They couldn't get away with it in business, I can tell you." "Hooper, do you mind inspecting D squad now?" "Righty oh." "And for Christ's sake don't say "Righty oh"." "Sorry." "I do try to remember." "It just slips out." "C.O. Just coming up, sir." "Thank you Sergeant Major." "Good morning, sir." "Well, Ryder, everything squared up here?" "Yes, I think so, sir." "Think so?" "You ought to know." "Has that been entered in barrack damages?" "Not yet, sir." "Not yet, eh?" "I wonder when it would have been if I hadn't seen it." "Aha!" "Just look at that!" "Fine impression that gives to the regiment taking over from us." "Don't you know what sets the standard of a regiment?" "The way it leaves camp, Ryder." "Yes, that's bad, sir." "It's a disgrace." "See that everything here is burned before we leave." "Very good sir." "Sergeant Major, will you send over to the carrier-platoon and tell Captain Brown that the C. O would very much like this ditch cleared up?" "Right, sir." "Remind me, Ryder, what were you in civilian life?" "I was a painter, sir." "You shouldn't do it, sir." "You shouldn't really." "That's not our rubbish." "Maybe it's not, sir but you know how it is." "If you get on the wrong side of senior officers they'll take it out of you other ways." "This is top security" "We must be ready to any order." "The important thing is where we go now." "It doesn't make sense." "That's the third time we've copped it this week." "They're picking on you old boy." "How is the family, by the way?" "The children sound a bit difficult." "Jennifer says they always turn into monsters the minute my leave's over." "That young officer over there." "Isn't he one of yours?" "Yes sir." "What's his name again?" "Lieutenant Hooper, sir." "His hair needs cutting." "He's in no shape to go to a new HQ." "I'll tell him, sir." "That's the sort of thing, Ryder, that lets down the regiment." "It does, sir." "I'll see that it's done." "My God!" "The officers they send us now!" "In my late regiment if a young officer was intending to go to a new HQ like that, the other subalterns would bloody well have cut his hair for him." "Would they, sir?" "I'll tell you something, Ryder." "I do not intend to have my professional reputation compromised by the slack appearance of a few temporary officers." "Corporal Deakin." "Get a pair of scissors!" "Lieutenant James!" "Sir?" "Cut that man's hair for him." "Sir?" "I said cut that man's hair for him!" "I'm sorry, sir." "I don't quite understand." "Is that an order, sir?" "It is your commander officer's wish and that's the best kind of order I know." "Go on." "Getting tidied up!" "We're going to tidy you up a bit." "Sit down, Mr Hooper." "Your scissors, sir." "Give them to lieutenant James." "Can't you understand an order?" "Get on with it!" "Go on." "Start cutting it." "Carry on." "Keep at it." "Cut it!" "Company!" "Company slope arms!" "Company will move to the left in threes." "Left turn!" "Company, by the left, quick march!" "Right, left, right, left!" "I'm sorry about your hair, Hooper." "Oh, that's all right." "It's not the sort of thing that used to happen in this regiment." "Oh, no hard feelings." "I can take a bit of sport." "I say, any idea where we're off to?" "None." "Do you think it's the real thing?" "No." "Just another flap?" "Yes." "Everyone's been saying we're for it." "I don't know what to think really it happens so often." "I wouldn't argue with that." "Three times in the last six months." "Seems so silly somehow, all this drill and training if we never go into action." "I shouldn't worry, Hooper." "There'll be plenty for everyone in time." "Oh, I don't want much, you know, just enough to say I've been in it." "What the hell is going on?" "We are being sprayed by liquid mustard gas." "Hooper, can you see if the windows are shut?" "Check there are no casualties." "And write a short situation report." "C Company is to drive on a bit, sir." "Take the right fork." "You'll see the dump post off the road." "Thank you, Sergeant." "Morning Ryder, can I have a lift?" "It's not a bad camp apparently." "Big private house with two or three lakes." "Looks as if we might get some duck if we're lucky." "Excellent." "In the back." "Hooper!" "Morning, Hooper." "Right, you lot, get it moving!" "Morning, Sergeant." "Does anyone know where we are?" "Not officially, sir, but I did hear someone mentions the name of the house." "It's a place called Brideshead." "You can see it from over there." "Huge great barrack of a place." "Thank you, Sergeant." "Carry on." "Thank you sir." "Right you lot, at the double!" "Come on!" "It was as though someone had switched off the wireless and a voice that had been bawling in my ears incessantly fatuously, for days beyond number, had been suddenly cut short." "An immense silence followed." "Empty at first but gradually, filled with a multitude of sweet, natural, and long forgotten sounds." "For he had spoken a name that was so familiar to me." "A conjuror's name of such ancient power, that at it's mere sound the phantoms of those haunted late years began to take flight." "Where are you off to, Hooper?" "B company relieved us." "I've just sent the chaps off to get cleaned up." "Good." "Brigade HQ are coming here next week." "I've just had a snoop around the house." "Very ornate I'd call it." "And a queer thing, there's a sort of RC church attached to it." "I looked in and there was a kind of service going on just a padre and one old man." "I felt very awkward, more in your line than mine." "There's a frightful, great fountain thing too, out the back." "All rocks and carved old men with trumpets." "You never saw such a thing." "Yes, Hooper, I did." "I've been here before." "Oh well, you'll know all about it then." "I'll just go and get myself cleaned up." "See you, Ryder." "I had been there before." "I knew all about it." "First, with Sebastian more than 20 years ago on a cloudless day in June." "That day, too" "I had come not knowing my destination." "Oxford, in those days, was still a city of aquatint." "When the chestnut was in flower and the bells rang out high and clear over her gables and cupolas she exhaled the soft airs of centuries of youth." "It was this cloistral hush that gave our laughter its resonance and carried it still joyously over the intervening clamor." "It was Eights Week." "Here discordantly came a rabble of womankind." "Echoes of the intruders penetrated every corner and my own college was no exception." "We were giving a ball." "Morning, Lunt." "Morning, Mr Ryder." "Thank you." "Gentlemen who haven't got ladies are asked to eat out as far as possible in the next few days." "Will you be lunching in?" "No, Lunt." "To give the servants a chance, they say." "Huh!" "What a chance!" "I've got to buy a pincushion for the ladies' cloakroom." "What do they want with dancing?" "I don't see the reason in it." "There has never been dancing before in Eights Week." "As if the teas and the river weren't enough!" "If you ask me, sir, it's all on account of the war." "It couldn't have happened but for that." "Now, wine in the evening or one or two gentlemen for luncheon, I can see the reasoning." "But not dancing." "It came in with them back from the war." "They were too old and they didn't know and they wouldn't learn." "Take my word." "And there's some that goes dancing with the town at the Masonic but the proctor will have them, you see" "Ah, here's Lord Sebastian." "Well, I mustn't stand here talking, not with pincushions to get." "Morning, Lunt!" "Charles, what in the world's happening at your college?" "Is there a circus?" "I've seen everything except elephants." "I must say the whole of Oxford is becoming very peculiar suddenly." "Last night it was pullulating with women." "You're to come away with me." "At once, out of danger." "I've a motor car outside, a basket of strawberries and a bottle of Chateau Payraguey which is not a wine you've ever tasted, so don't pretend." "It's heaven with strawberries." "I shall go and get my things." "And bring some money in case we see anything we want to buy." "Yes." "Does anyone feel the same emotion for a butterfly or a flower as he feels for a cathedral or a picture?" "Yes, I do." "Ready?" "Yes." "It's over there." "Isn't it early?" "Yes!" "The women are still doing whatever the women do before they come downstairs." "Sloth has undone them." "We're away." "Where are we going?" "To see a friend." "Take care of Aloysius." "Make sure he isn't sick." "Where did you get the car?" "Property of a very gloomy man called Hardcastle." "Do please return the bits to him if I kill myself." "I'm not very good at driving." "God bless Hardcastle!" "Whoever he may be!" "He was supposed to be coming with us." "Well I did tell him ten o'clock and when he was still in bed at 8 I thought well he's not very eager." "Much kinder to go without him." "It's a pity neither of us can sing." "It was about 11 when Sebastian, without warning, turned the car into a cart track and stopped." "We ate the strawberries and drank the wine." "As Sebastian promised, they were delicious together." "The fumes of the sweet golden wine seemed to lift us a finger's breadth above the turf and hold us suspended." "Just the place to bury a crock of gold." "I should like to bury something precious in every place that I've been happy." "So that when I'm old and ugly and miserable" "I could come back and dig it up and remember." "This was my third term at University but I date my Oxford life from my first meeting with Sebastian which happened by chance in the middle of the term before." "We were in different colleges and came from different schools." "So I might well have spent my three or four years in the University and never have met him but for the chance of his getting drunk one evening in my college and of my having ground floor rooms in the front quadrangle." "I had been warned of the dangers of these rooms by my cousin Jasper, who alone, when I first came up thought me a subject for detailed guidance." "So what are you reading?" "History." "Oh, it's a perfectly respectable school." "The very worst is English Literature." "The next worst is Modern Greats." "You want either a first or a fourth." "There is no value in anything between." "Time spent on a good second is time thrown away." "You should go to the best lectures" "Arkwright on Demesthenes for instance irrespective of whether they are in your school or not." "Clothes." "Dress as you do in a country house." "Never wear a tweed jacket and flannel trousers always wear a suit." "And go to a London tailor, you get better cut and longer credit." "Good afternoon, sir." "Don't treat Dons like schoolmasters." "Treat them as you would the vicar at home." "Clubs." "Join the Carlton now and the Grid at the beginning of your second year." "If you want to run for the Union and it's not a bad idea make your reputation outside first at the Chatham or the Canning." "Oh, and keep clear of Boar's Hill." "Morning, Charles." "Good morning." "And friends" "Charles, do watch the people you make friends with." "You'll find you spend your second year getting rid of the undesirable ones you made in your first." "And beware of Anglo-Catholics." "They are all sodomites with unpleasant accents." "In fact, steer clear of all religious groups." "They do nothing but harm." "I say, was this here when you arrived?" "No, it's mine." "I put it up." "It's Van Gogh." "Really" "This is very pretty." "Well, I must be off." "I've got a JCR meeting at half past." "Oh, by the way, one last point change your rooms." "But I was lucky to get them." "Ground floor rooms on the Front Quad." "Terribly dangerous." "I've seen men ruined." "People start dropping in." "They leave their gowns here and pick them up on their way to hall." "Then you'll start giving them sherry." "Before you know where you are you'll have opened a free bar to all the undesirables in the college." "I do not know that I ever consciously followed any of this advice." "I certainly never changed my rooms." "There were gilly flowers growing below the windows which on summer evenings filled them with fragrance." "But that's the complete fallacy of modern aesthetics, Charles." "Can't you see?" "You mean, the whole argument of significant form stands or falls by volume?" "Precisely." "If you allow Cezanne to represent a third dimension in his two-dimensional canvas then you must allow Landseer his gleam of loyalty in the Spaniel's eye." "My earliest friends were Collins, a Wykehamist, and an embryo don a man of solid reading and childlike humor and a small circle of college intellectuals who maintained a middle course of culture between the flamboyant aesthetes and the proletarian scholars." "It was by this circle that I found myself adopted during my first term." "They provided the kind of company" "I had enjoyed in the sixth form at school and for which the sixth form had prepared me." "But even in the earliest days when the whole business of living at Oxford with rooms of my own and my own cheque book was a source of excitement" "I felt at heart that this was not all which Oxford had to offer." "I knew Sebastian by sight long before I met him." "That was unavoidable." "For from his first week he was the most conspicuous man of his year by reason of his beauty which was arresting and his eccentricities of behavior which seemed to know no bounds." "My first sight of him was in the door of Germer's and on that occasion, I was struck less by his looks than by the fact that he was carrying a large teddy-bear." "Sheer exhibitionism." "That was Lord Sebastian Flyte." "A most amusing young gentleman." "Apparently." "This way, sir." "He's the Marquis of Marchmain's second boy." "His brother, the Earl of Brideshead, went down last term." "He was very different, quite like an old man." "What do you suppose Lord Sebastian wanted?" "A hair brush for his teddy-bear." "It had to have very stiff bristles." "Not Lord Sebastian said to brush him with, but to threaten him with a spanking when he was sulky." "He bought a very nice one with an ivory back and he's going to have Aloysius engraved on it." "That's the teddy-bear's name." "The barber, who in his time had had ample chance to tire of undergraduate fantasy was plainly captivated by him." "I, however, remained censorious." "And subsequent glimpses of him did not soften me although Collins, who was reading Freud had a number of technical terms to cover everything." "Nor when at last we met were the circumstances propitious." "Once we reduce chance to a mathematical formula we may subject it to the rules of probability." "And, indeed, we rob chance itself, therefore of the element of chance which, if you see what I mean must seem a solution of quite impregnable logic." "Thank you very much." "There was a question?" "I wanted simply to ask if the laws of mathematics can be understood by reason." "I think I can anticipate your question." "If the possibility exists, the chances of exist in a rational universe, then the workings of chance" "must be explained by rational processes." "If we believe that God created this rational world then it is perfectly possible to believe" "Who are those awful people?" "What are they doing in there?" "Looks like a bloody prayer meeting to me." "Look, if God is ultimately responsible for formulating" "Newton's Law of Gravity, may He not so runs my argument, fulfill his purpose by using the infinite instances which we call chance." "Shouldn't we say then that chance is the very basic principle of our life in this rational universe?" "Alright, old man." "I trust that you will forgive my friend." "The wines were too various." "It was neither the quality nor the quantity that was at fault." "It was the mixture." "Grasp that and you have the very root of the matter." "To understand all is to forgive all." "Yes." "A couple of jugs of mulled claret and this has to happen." "You couldn't even get to the window, could you?" "Them that can't keep it down are better without it." "It wasn't one of my party." "It was someone from out of college." "Yes, well, it's just as nasty to clear up, whoever it was." "There's five shillings on the sideboard." "So I saw and thank you." "But I'd rather not have the money and not have the mess in the morning." "With the restoration of the Monarch the Age of Puritanism was finally vanquished" "I took my gown and left him to his task." "In those days, I still frequented the Lecture Room." "And female players, hitherto unknown appeared upon the English stage for the first time in the history of English drama." "There was an air of relaxation in the land again." "Indeed, this novel feeling of unaccustomed freedom manifested itself in a remarkable outburst of artistic creativity." "Have you seen your room?" "Lunt." "What is all this?" "The gentleman from last night, sir." "He left that note for you." ""I am very contrite." "Aloysius won't speak to me until he sees I am forgiven, so please come to luncheon today." "Sebastian Flyte. "" "A most amusing young gentleman, sir." "I am sure it's a pleasure to clean up after him." "I take it you're lunching out, sir?" "I told Mr Collins and" "Mr Partridge so, they wanted to take their commons in here with you." "Yes, Lunt." "Lunching out." "Oh, do take some flowers for yourself and Mrs. Lunt, if you'd care to." "Oh, thank you sir." "There is no Mrs. Lunt." "I went there uncertainly, for it was foreign ground and there was a tiny priggish warning voice in my ear which in the tones of Collins told me it was seemly to hold back." "But I was in search of love in those days and I went full of curiosity and the faint unrecognized apprehension that here, at last" "I should find that low door in the wall others I knew had found before me, which opened on an enclosed and enchanted garden, which was somewhere not overlooked by any window in the heart of that grey city." "I've just counted them." "There are five each and two over so I'm having the two." "I'm unaccountably hungry today." "I placed myself unreservedly in the hands of that obliging little chemist in the High and now I feel so drugged that I've almost begun to believe that the whole of yesterday evening was a dream." "Please don't wake me up." "Hello." "Hello." "Let's have some champagne." "Thank you for the flowers." "My room looks like a hot house." "My beastly scout has put Aloysius to bed which is probably just as well since there won't be any plovers' eggs for him." "Do you know, Hobson hates Aloysius?" "I wish I had a scout like yours." "He was perfectly sweet to me this morning when some people might have been quite strict." "Only one piece last night." "There was the most frightful rumpus outside my staircase." "I assumed it must be you." "Nonsense." "We were quiet as mice." "Damn close thing though." "As each guest came into the room he made first for the plovers' eggs then noticed Sebastian and then myself with a polite lack of curiosity which seemed to say" ""We should not dream of being so offensive as to suggest that you never met us before!"" "I say, plovers' eggs." "The first I've seen this year." "Where did you get them?" "Mummy sends them from Brideshead." "They always lay early for her." "We were eating the Lobster Thermidor when the last guest arrived." "My dear, I couldn't get away before." "I was lunching with my preposterous tutor." "He thought it very odd my leaving when I did." "I told him I had to change for footer." "Come and sit down." "I'm afraid I've already eaten your eggs." "Oh, I forgot, you don't know Charles Ryder." "Hello." "No." "Anthony Blanche." "But I have the most delicious feeling I'm going to." "Oh, my God, Blanche!" "It's all over the house, you know." "What is?" "My dear boy, the news that you have finally lost your virginity, or perhaps I should say, mislaid it." "You put my own grandes passions quite in the shade." "What are you rattling on about, you appalling dago?" "If you're going to be horrid about my cosmopolitan upbringing" "I shall tell how you borrowed three hundred francs to spend a torrid night with that elderly drab in Le Touquet." "It was a niggardly sum to pay for her trouble." "And what a trouble." "Charles, don't look so serious." "You don't mean to say that you let Boy have a go at your Duchess?" "My affair with the Duchess of Vincennes was on an altogether higher plane than any of you hobbledehoys can conceive." "Do you know what it was that cemented our love?" "We used the same colored varnish for our toenails." "The time is now propitious, as he guesses." "The meal is ended, she is bored and tired endeavors to engage her in caresses" "which still are unreproved, if undesired." "Flushed and decided, he assaults at once." "Exploring hands encounter no defense his vanity requires no response, and makes a welcome of indifference." "And I Tiresias have foresuffered all enacted on this same divan or bed." "I who have sat by Thebes below the wall and walked among the lowest of the dead." "Bestows one final patronizing kiss, and gropes his way finding the stairs unlit." "How I've surprised them!" "All boatmen are Grace Darlings to me." "What a boy" "Too much, certainly." "Too much." "Something will have to be done about that damn nancy boy." "You can count me out." "My dear, I should like to stick you full of barbed arrows like a pin cushion." "I think it's perfectly brilliant of Sebastian to have discovered you." "Where do you lurk?" "I shall come down your burrow and chivvy you out like an old stoat." "Au revoir." "Well" "I'd better be off, too." "Thank you very much." "Have some more Cointreau." "Then I must go to the Botanical Gardens." "Why?" "To see the ivy." "I've never been to the Botanical Gardens." "Oh, Charles." "What a lot you have to learn." "There are more kinds of ivy than I ever knew existed." "I don't know where I should be without the Botanical Gardens." "When at length I returned to my rooms" "I found them exactly as I had left them that morning but I detected a jejune air that had not irked me before." "Nothing except the golden daffodils seemed to be real." "If you ask me, sir, I was never very fond of that myself." "I suppose you'll be wanting me to get rid of it next though where I'd have room for it is nobody's business." "That day was the beginning of my friendship with Sebastian." "And thus, it came about that morning in June that I was lying beside him in the shade of the high elms watching the smoke from his lips drift into the branches." "You still haven't told me where we're going." "Don't be so impatient, Charles." "I told you." "To see a friend." "But who's the friend?" "Name of Hawkins." "But who is Hawkins?" "Wait and see." "Well?" "Well?" "What a place to live in." "It's where my family live." "Don't worry." "They're away." "You won't have to meet them." "But I should like to." "You can't." "They're in London, dancing." "Everything is shut up." "We'd better go in this way." "I want you to meet Nanny Hawkins." "That's what we've come for." "Well, this is a surprise." "Who's this?" "I don't think I know him." "This is Mr Charles Ryder, Nanny." "A friend of mine from Oxford." "How do you do, Mrs. Hawkins?" "How do you do?" "You've come just the right time." "Julia's here for the day." "She was up with me nearly all the morning telling me about London." "Such a time they're all having." "You must have just missed her." "It's the Conservative women." "She won't be long she's leaving immediately after her speech before the tea." "I'm afraid we may miss her again, Nanny." "Oh, don't do that, dear;" "it'll be such a surprise to her seeing you though she ought to wait for the tea." "I told her it's what the Conservative women come for." "Well, what's the news?" "Are you studying hard at your books?" "Not very, I'm afraid, Nanny." "Ah, cricketing all day long, I expect, like your brother." "He found time to study too, though." "Did you see that piece about Julia in the paper?" "She brought it down for me." "Not that it's nearly good enough of her but what it says is very nice." ""The lovely daughter whom Lady Marchmain is bringing out this season witty as well as ornamental the most popular debutante. "" "Well, that's no more than the truth, though it was a shame to cut her hair." "Such a lovely head of hair she had just like her Ladyship's." "I said to Father Phipps it's not natural." "He said" "Sebastian and the old woman talked long." "It was a charming room." "Laid out on top of the mantelpiece, a collection of small presents which had been brought to her at various times by her children." "The souvenirs of many holidays." "Presently, it was time for tea." "Look, Nanny, I'm afraid we can't stay for tea." "We really must get back." "Oh." "Julia will be upset when she hears." "It would have been such a surprise for her." "Goodbye, Nanny." "Bye, love." "Come on, Charles." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Poor Nanny, she does lead such a dull life." "I've a good mind to bring her to Oxford to live with me only she'd always be trying to send me to church." "We must go quickly before my sister gets back." "Who are you ashamed of, her or me?" "I'm ashamed of myself." "I'm not going to let you get mixed up with my family." "They're so madly charming All my life they've taking things away from me." "If they once got hold of you with their charm, they'd make you their friend not mine and I won't let them." "All right." "I'm perfectly content." "But aren't we going to see some more of the house?" "It's all shut up." "We came to see Nanny." "On Queen Alexandra's day it's all open for a shilling." "Come and look if you want to." "Well, it's all like this you see." "Nothing to see." "A few pretty things I'd like to show you some day." "Not now." "But there is the chapel." "You must see that." "This way." "Why do you do that?" "Just good manners." "Well, you needn't on my account." "You wanted to do sight-seeing." "What do you think of this?" "Golly!" "Papa had it restored for Mama" "as a wedding present." "Julia." "We only just got away in time." "I'm sorry." "I'm afraid I wasn't very nice this afternoon." "Brideshead often has that effect on me." "But I had to take you to see Nanny." "I don't keep asking you questions about your family." "Neither do I about yours." "But you look so inquisitive." "Well you're so mysterious about them." "I hoped I was mysterious about everything." "I'm rather curious about people's families" "You see, it's not a thing I know much about." "There's only my father and myself." "And aunt used to keep an eye on me but my father drove her abroad." "You don't know what you've been saved." "There are lots of us." "Look them up in Debrett." "I had lived a lonely childhood and a boyhood straightened by war and overshadowed by bereavement." "To the hard bachelordom of English adolescence the premature dignity and authority of the school system" "I had added a sad and grim strain of my own." "Now, that summer term with Sebastian it seemed as though I was being given a brief spell of what I had never known a happy childhood." "And though its toys were silk shirts and liqueurs and cigars and its naughtiness high in the catalogue of grave sins there was something of a nursery freshness about us that fell little short of the joy of innocence." "Towards the end of that term I took my first exams." "It was necessary to pass if I was to remain at Oxford." "And pass I did after a week in which I forbad Sebastian my rooms and sat up to a late hour with iced black coffee and charcoal biscuits cramming myself with neglected texts." "I remember no syllable of them now but the other more ancient love which I acquired that term will be with me in one shape or another till my last hour." "The end of that term, was also the occasion of the last visit and grand remonstrance of my cousin Jasper." "I was just free of the schools having taken the last paper of History previous the day before." "Jasper's sub-fusc suit and white tie proclaimed him still in the thick of it." "He had the exhausted, but resentful, air of one who fears he has failed to do himself full justice of Pindar's Orphisms." "Duty alone had brought him to my rooms at great inconvenience to himself and, as it happened, to me." "I don't know what sort of allowance my uncle makes you but you must be spending double." "Is that paid for?" "Or these?" "Or this peculiarly noisome object?" "Yes, I had to pay cash for the skull." "And your clothes." "Your present get up seems an unhappy compromise between the correct wear for a theatrical garden party in Maidenhead and a glee singing competition in a garden suburb." "I'm sorry if it disturbs you." "And drink!" "No one minds a man getting tight once or twice a term." "In fact, he ought to, on certain occasions." "But you, my dear Charles are constantly seen drunk in the middle of the afternoon!" "I think that is my affair, Jasper." "Look Charles, I expected you to make mistakes in your first year, we all do." "I got in with some thoroughly objectionable" "Christian Union men who ran a mission to hop-pickers during the Long Vac." "But you, my dear Charles whether you realise or not, have gone, hook line and sinker to the very worst set in the University." "So that's what's worrying you." "Well, Anthony Blanche there's a man there's absolutely no excuse for." "I don't particularly like him myself." "Well, he's certainly always hanging about here." "You realise the stiffer element in college don't like it?" "They won't stand for him at the House." "They threw him in Mercury last night." "I heard." "You may think that living in digs" "I don't know what goes on in college, but I hear things." "In fact, I hear too much." "I find I've become a figure of mockery on your account at the Dining Club." "Then there's that chap Sebastian Flyte you seem inseparable from." "Well, he may be alright, I don't know." "His brother, Brideshead, was a very sound fellow but this friend of yours, well he looks odd to me and gets himself talked about." "I'm sorry, Jasper." "I know it must be embarrassing for you." "I happen to like this bad set." "I like getting drunk at luncheon." "And though I haven't quite spent double my allowance yet" "I undoubtedly shall by the end of term." "Will you join me?" "I usually have a glass of champagne about this time." "If you stay, you might meet the despicable Mr Blanche." "I'm dining with him tonight." "No, thank you." "I have Greek History and Morals on Monday." "So my cousin Jasper despaired." "Looking back there is little I would have left undone or done otherwise." "Perhaps now I could match my cousin Jasper's game cock maturity with a sturdier fowl." "I could tell him that to know and love one other human being is the root of all wisdom." "Two for you and two for me." "Yum-yum." "I expect you would prefer sherry, but, my dear Charles you are not going to have sherry." "You're going to try this delicious concoction instead." "What is it?" "Brandy Alexander." "You don't like it?" "Then I'll drink it for you." "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." "Down the little red lane they go." "How the students stare!" "I'm not surprised, Anthony." "I'm a little out of sympathy with the undergraduates for the moment." "That's why we're dining at Thame." "Who else is coming?" "No one." "I've got you to myself tonight." "There's a delightful hotel there which, luckily doesn't appeal to the hearties of the Bullingdon." "You heard what they did to me last night?" "Yes, I did It's too naughty." "It was not, I knew, the first time that Anthony had been ducked." "But the incident seemed much on his mind." "I didn't want them to start getting rough so I said to them pacifically:" ""Dear, sweet clodhoppers if you knew anything of sexual psychology you would know hat nothing could give me keener pleasure than to be manhandled by you meaty boys ecstasy of the naughtiest kind." "If any of you wishes to be my partner in joy, then come and seize me." "If, on the other hand, you wish to satisfy some obscure and less easily classified libido then come with me quietly to the water. "" "So I just got into the fountain and, you know it really was rather refreshing." "So I sported there and struck some attitudes." "Oh, la fatigue du Nord!" "Now you can't imagine an unpleasantness like that happening to Sebastian, can you?" "No, I can't." "No." "Sebastian has charm Such charm." "Of course, you haven't known him as long as I have." "How long have you known him, Anthony?" "I was at school with him." "You wouldn't believe it, but in those days people used to say he was a little bitch." "The rest of us were constantly being beaten in the most savage way, on the most frivolous pretexts." "But never Sebastian." "I can see him now at the age of fifteen." "He never had spots, you know." "Boy Mulcaster was positively scrofulous, but not Sebastian." "Or did he have one, rather a stubborn one at the back of his neck?" "Yes, now I think of it, he did." "Narcissus with one pustule." "He and I were both Catholics so we used to go to mass together." "He used to spend such a time in the confessional" "I used to wonder what he had to say because he never did anything wrong, never quiet at least he never got punished." "Perhaps he was just being charming through the grills." "I told all about you." "He is absolutely agape." "You see, my dear Charles, you are that very rare thing." "An Artist." "But who recognizes you?" "The other day I told Sebastian that you drew like a young Ingres." "And do you know what he said?" "Yes, Aloysius draws very prettily, too." "but of course he's rather more modern." "So charming, so amusing." "Do you wish Sebastian was with us?" "No." "Of course you do." "And do I?" "I wonder." "How our thoughts do run on that little bundle of charm to be sure." "I think you must be mesmerizing me, Charles." "I bring you here, at very considerable expense simply to talk about myself and I find" "I talk of no one except Sebastian." "It's odd because there's really no mystery about him except how he came to be born of such a very sinister family." "It's when one gets to the parents that a bottomless pit opens." "My dear, such a pair." "They were married for fifteen years or so." "And then Lord Marchmain went off to war." "He never came back, but formed a connection with a highly talented dancer." "Why doesn't she divorce him?" "Because she is so pious." "My dear, you would think that old reprobate had tortured her stolen her patrimony, flung her out of doors roasted, stuffed and eaten her children and gone frolicking about wreathed in all the flowers of Sodom and Gomorrah." "She's a blood sucker, my dear a blood sucker." "You can see the tooth marks on all her victims." "It's witchcraft." "There's no other explanation." "So you see, we mustn't altogether blame Sebastian." "For what?" "For seeming a little insipid." "But then, of course, you don't blame Sebastian do you Charles?" "With that very murky background, what could he do, except set up as being simple and charming, particularly as he isn't very well endowed in the top story." "We couldn't claim that for him, could we Charles much as we love him?" "Tell me candidly, have you ever heard Sebastian say anything you have remembered for more than five minutes?" "You know, when I hear him talk I am reminded of that nauseating picture "Bubbles"." "Conversation should be like juggling up go the balls and plates up and over, in and out, glittering in the footlights." "But when dear Sebastian speaks it is like a little sphere of soap sud drifting off the end of an old clay pipe full of rainbow light for a second, and then" "vanished with nothing left at all." "Nothing." "Shall we go, Anthony?" "What's the time?" "It's after nine o'clock." "I let you lie in." "I didn't think you'd be going to corporate communion." "And you were absolutely right, Lunt." "It was the last Sunday of term." "The last of the year." "It was nearly eleven when I left, and during my walk" "I heard the change ringing cease and all over the town give place to the single chime which warned the city that service was about to start." "None but churchgoers seemed abroad that morning on their way to St Barnabas, St Columba, St Aroysius all in the summer sunshine going to the temples of their race." "Four proud infidels alone proclaimed their dissent four Indians from the gates of Balliol making for the river." "So, through a world of piety" "I made my way to Sebastian." "Hello." "I've been to mass." "I knew Mummy'd been writing to Monseignor Bell." "He's asked me to dinner twice last week so I sat bang in the front and absolutely shouted the Hail Mary's." "I'm glad that's over." "How was dinner with Antoine?" "What did you talk about?" "Well, he did most of the talking." "That's not unusual." "Did you know him at Eton?" "Hardly." "He was sacked in my first half." "Though I do remember seeing him about a bit." "Did he go to church with you?" "I don't think so." "Why?" "Has he met any of your family?" "Charles, how very peculiar you're being today." "No." "I don't suppose so." "So why all this interest?" "Well, I was trying to find out how much truth there was in what he said last night." "Very little I should think." "That's his great charm." "Well, you may think it charming." "I think it's devilish." "Do you know, he spent most of last evening trying to turn me against you?" "And he almost succeeded." "Did he?" "How silly." "Aloysius wouldn't have approved of that at all." "Would you, you pompous old bear?" "The long vacation came and Sebastian disappeared into that other life of his where I was not asked to follow." "I was left, instead forlorn and regretful." "I returned to my father's house without plans and without money." "I faced a bleak prospect." "I was overdrawn at the Bank and without my father's authority, I could draw no more." "My dear boy, they never told me you were here." "Hello, father." "Did you have a very exhausting journey?" "They gave you tea?" "Yes." "Mrs. Abel brought me some." "You are well?" "I have just made a somewhat audacious purchase from Sonerachein's." "A terra-cotta bull of the 5th century." "I was examining it and forgot your arrival." "Was the carriage very full?" "No." "I managed to get a corner seat." "Good." "Hayter brought you the evening paper." "No news, of course." "Such a lot of nonsense." "What do you like to drink?" "Hayter, what have we for Mr Charles to drink?" "There's some whisky." "There's whisky." "Perhaps you like something else?" "What else have we?" "There isn't anything else in the house, sir." "There's nothing else." "You must tell Hayter what you would like and he will get it in." "I never keep any wine now." "I am forbidden it and no one comes to see me." "But while you are here you must have what you like." "You are here for long?" "I'm not quite sure, father." "It's a very long vacation." "In my day, we used to go to what were called reading parties always in mountainous areas." "Why?" "Why should alpine scenery be thought conducive to study?" "I had thought of putting in some time at an art school." "My dear boy, you'll find them all shut." "The students go to Barbison or such places and paint in the open air." "There was an institution in my day called "Sketching club"." "Mixed sexes, bicycles, pepper-and-salt knickerbockers holland umbrellas and, it was popularly thought, free love." "Such a lot of nonsense." "I expect they still go on." "You might try that." "One of the problems of the vacation, father is money." "Oh." "I shouldn't worry about a thing like that at your age." "You see, I've run rather short." "Yes?" "In fact, I don't know how I'm going to get through the next couple of months." "Well, I'm the worst person to come to for advice." "I've never been short as you so painfully call it." "And yet what else could you say?" "Hard up?" "Penurious?" "Distressed?" "Embarrassed?" "Stoney-broke?" "On the rocks?" "In Queer Street?" "Well, let us just say you are in Queer Street and leave it at that." "Yes, but what do you suggest I should do?" "Your cousin Melchior was imprudent in his investments and got into a very queer street." "He went to Australia." "Hayter." "I've dropped my book." "During the sultry week that followed" "I saw little of my father during the day." "He spent hours on end in the study." "Now and again" "I would hear him go out sometimes for half an hour or less." "Sometimes for a whole day." "Aah, so there you are." "Splendid, splendid." "Very warm today, very warm." "Yes." "His errands were never explained." "The dinner table was our battlefield." "I do think, Charles, you might talk to me." "I've had a very exhausting day." "I was looking forward to a little conversation." "Of course, father." "What shall we talk about?" "Cheer me up." "Take me out of myself." "Tell me about the new plays." "But I haven't been to any." "You should, you know, you really should." "It isn't natural in a young man to spend all his evenings at home." "Well, father, as I told you, I haven't much money to spare for theatregoing." "My dear boy, you must not allow money to become your master in this way." "Why, at your age, your cousin Melchior was part-owner of a musical piece." "It was one of his few successful ventures." "You should go to the play as part of your education." "I received one letter from Sebastian." "It was written on, and enveloped in heavy" "Victorian mourning paper, black-coroneted and black bordered." ""Dearest Charles." "I found a box of this paper at the back of a bureau so I must write to you as I am mourning for my lost innocence." "It never looked like living." "The doctors despaired of it from the start." "Seems I am off to Venice to stay with Papa in his palace of sin." "I wish you were coming." "I wish you were here." "I am never quite alone." "Members of my family keep turning up and collecting luggage and going away again but the white raspberries are ripe." "I have a good mind not to take Aloysius to Venice." "I don't want him to meet a lot of horrid Italian bears and pick up bad habits." "Love or what you will." "S."" "Strife was internecine during the next fortnight." "But I suffered the more, for my father had greater reserves to draw on." "One day, by chance, a weapon came to hand." "I met an old acquaintance of school days named Jorkins." "I never had much liking for Jorkins but I greeted him with enthusiasm and asked him to dinner." "My father was quick to retaliate." "He made a little fantasy for himself that Jorkins should be an American." "So nice of you to come all this way, Mr Jorkins." "Oh, it isn't far." "Really only a matter of minutes." "Ah." "Science annihilates distance." "You are over here on business?" "Well, I'm in business if that's what you mean." "I had a cousin who was in business, you wouldn't know him it was before your time." "I was telling Charles about him only the other night." "He has been much in my mind." "He came a cropper." "You find his misfortune the subject for mirth?" "Or perhaps you were unfamiliar with the word I used." "You no doubt would say folded up." "Well, I don't know that" "I mean" "I suppose with your standards you find our life here very parochial." "My father was master of the situation." "Throughout the evening he played a delicate, one-sided parlour game with him explaining any peculiarly English terms in the conversation, translating pounds into dollars so that my guest was left with the vague sense that there was a misconception somewhere as to his identity" "which he never got the chance of explaining." "I mean if" "Only once I thought my father had gone too far." "Of course, I'm afraid living in London you must sadly miss your national game." "My national game?" "Cricket!" "Never mind." "I've decided to diversify Charles' evenings at home." "Tonight I have a surprise." "I've asked a few young friends over for a little music-making." "Charles, you know the Orme-Herricks?" "Did you know that Miss Orme-Herrick was a student of the cello?" "She's going to play for us tonight after dinner!" "Charles." "Charles." "I really have to go" "Please." "I'm afraid Jorkins has to go, father." "He has to be up very early in the morning." "Oh, what a pity." "Goodbye then, Mr Jorkins." "I hope that you will pay us another visit next time you cross the herring pond." "Goodbye, Mr Ryder, and thank you." "I'm so sorry I have to leave." "I'll just see him out, father." "Such a versatile young man." "You must ask him again, soon." "Goodnight, Jorkins." "What very dull friends I have!" "You know, without the spur of your presence" "I would never have roused myself to invite them." "I have been very neglectful about entertaining lately." "Now you are paying me a long visit" "I will have many such evenings." "You liked Miss Orme-Herrick?" "No." "No?" "Was it her little moustache you objected to or her very large feet?" "Do you think she enjoyed herself?" "No." "That was my impression also." "I doubt if any of our guests will count this among their happiest evenings." "That young foreigner behaved atrociously I thought." "Where can I have met him?" "And Miss Constantia Smethwick, where can I have met her?" "But the obligations of hospitality must be observed." "While you are here, you shall not be dull!" "Finally, one Sunday afternoon, a telegram arrived from Sebastian which threw me into a state of fevered anxiety." "Father" "You'll never guess where I've spent the day." "I've been to the zoo." "It was most agreeable." "The animals seem to like the sunshine so much." "Father, I have to leave at once." "Yes?" "A friend of mine, he's gravely injured." "I must go to him." "There's a train in about half an hour." ""Gravely injured, come at once." "Sebastian. "" "Well, I'm sorry you are upset." "Reading this message" "I do not think that the accident can be quite so serious as you seem to think, otherwise it would hardly be signed by the victim himself." "Still, of course, he may well be fully conscious but blind or paralyzed with a broken back." "Why exactly is your presence so necessary?" "You have no medical knowledge." "You are not in holy orders." "Do you hope for a legacy?" "I told you, he is a great friend." "Well, Orme-Herrick is a very great friend of mine, but I should not go tearing off to his death bed on a warm Sunday afternoon." "I rather doubt whether Lady Orme-Herrick would welcome me." "However, I see you have no such doubts." "I shall miss you, my dear boy." "But do not hurry back on my account." "Fear worked like yeast in my thoughts." "And the fermentation brought to the surface in great gobs of scum, the images of disaster." "A loaded gun, held carelessly at a stile a horse rearing and rolling over a shaded pool with a submerged stake a car at a blind corner." "All the catalogue of threats to civilized life rose and haunted me." "I even pictured a homicidal maniac mouthing in the shadows swinging a length of lead pipe." "Tickets, please, sir." "Brideshead, sir?" "Yes." "Lady Julia's waiting in the yard." "Thank you." "You're Mr Ryder?" "Yes." "Jump in." "How is he?" "Oh, he's fine." "Have you had dinner?" "Yes, on the train." "Well, I expect it was beastly." "There's some more at home." "Sebastian and I are alone so we thought we'd wait for you." "But what happened to him?" "Didn't he say?" "I expect he thought you wouldn't come if you knew." "He cracked a bone in his foot so tiny that it hasn't a name." "But they X-rayed it yesterday and told him to keep it up for a month." "It's a great bore to him, putting out all his plans." "He's been making the most enormous fuss." "Everybody else has gone." "At first he tried to make me stay back with him." "Well, I expect you know how maddeningly pathetic he can be." "I almost gave in and then I said, surely there must be someone you can get hold of?" "And he said everybody was away or busy and anyway, no one else would do." "But at last he agreed to try you and I promised I'd stay if you failed him, so you can imagine how popular you are with me." "I must say I think it's noble of you to come all this way at a moment's notice." "How did he do it?" "Believe it or not, playing croquet." "He lost his temper and tripped over a hoop." "Not a very honorable scar." "She so much resembled Sebastian, that sitting beside her" "I was confused by the double illusion of familiarity and strangeness." "I hate driving at this time of the day." "There doesn't seem anyone left at home who can drive a car." "Sebastian and I are practically camping out." "Cigarette?" "No, thanks." "Light one for me, will you?" "It was the first time in my life that anyone had asked this of me and as I took the cigarette from my lips and put it in hers" "I caught a thin bat's squeak of sexuality inaudible to any but me." "Thanks." "You've been here before." "Nanny reported it." "We both thought it very odd of you not to stay to tea with me." "That was Sebastian." "You seem to let him boss you around a good deal." "You shouldn't." "It's very bad for him." "Here we are." "I wouldn't have put it past Sebastian to have started dinner." "Thank you." "Hello, darling." "Thank you, Wilcox." "Well darling, I've collected your chum." "I thought you were dying." "I thought so too." "The pain was excruciating." "Julia, do you think if you asked him, Wilcox would give us champagne tonight?" "I hate champagne and Mr Ryder has already had dinner." "Mister Ryder?" "Mister Ryder?" "Charles drinks champagne at all hours." "Do you know, looking at this great swaddled foot of mine, I can't get it out of my head that I've got gout, and that gives me a craving for champagne." "Which way?" "This way." "Dinner was served in the Red Dining Room." "While they dined, I ate a peach and told them of the war with my father." "And he said to him "Living in London, you must miss your national game." "And Jorkin said, " What national game?"" "and my father said, "Why, Cricket, of course. "" "I really think he's sometimes quite mad." "He sounds a perfect poppet to me." "And now I'm going to leave you boys." "Where are you off to?" "The nursery." "I promised Nanny a last game of halma." "Dear Nanny Hawkins." "She lives entirely for pleasure." "Goodnight, Mr Ryder and goodbye." "I'm leaving early." "I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for relieving me at the sick bed." "My sister's very pompous tonight." "I don't think she cares for me." "I don't think she cares for anyone very much." "I love her." "She's so like me." "Do you?" "Is she?" "In looks I mean, and the way she talks." "I wouldn't love anyone with a character like mine." "Charles, we're going to have a heavenly time alone." "When, next morning, I saw Julia drive from the forecourt and disappear" "I felt a sense of liberation and peace such as I was to know years later, when after a night of unrest the sirens sounded the "All Clear"." "I believed myself very close to heaven during those languid days at Brideshead." "It is thus I like to remember Sebastian as he was that summer when we wandered alone through that enchanted palace."