"Now, look, Uncle Phil, we don't need nothing too fancy as long as it's got vibrating bucket seats a refrigerated glove compartment and a license plate that say:" "Will, this car is for basic transportation, not your indulgences." "That's right, big guy." "We want something that emphasizes good sense over style and excitement." "How about a '94 you?" " There it is." " Oh, okay." "Ta-da!" "The all new Accountant BX." "It has the latest technology in childproof door locks." "What are the honeys gonna say about a dude cruising around in one of these?" "They'll say, " Why, there goes a thrifty, level-headed young man."" "Yeah, right before they say, "And I'll never have sex with him."" "Afternoon, gentlemen." " Philip Banks." " Pete Fletcher." "I'll be right with you." "Thanks, I think we found what we're looking for." "Oh, good." "I like a man who knows what he wants." "Makes my job a whole lot easier." "Uncle Phil, you not seriously considering making me drive this Carltonmobile, are you?" "Son, when I was in college, I drove a manure-brown '65 Dodge Dart." "So why you taking that out on me?" "What a piece of junk." "Tow trucks used to follow me around like vultures." "You deserve better, Uncle Phil." " Perhaps." " Don't listen to him, Dad." "It's a trick." "Check this out, Uncle Phil." "You like that, right?" "There you are, Uncle Phil, 25 years younger thousands of pounds thinner cruising the strip at Princeton." "Wind blowing through your big old fro." "Honeys checking you out." "They're saying:" ""There go Philip Banks, he is a bad mamma jamma."" "They waving at you, Uncle Phil." "Go ahead, go ahead, wave back." "It's okay, wave back." "Go ahead." "Right on, sisters." "Dad, did I mention that the all-new Accountant gets 75 miles to the gallon?" "To hell with the Accountant, I want this." "Excellent choice, Mr. Banks." "Come on in the office, we'll crunch some numbers." "All right." "Dad, Will just bamboozled you." "And that's the story we'll tell your mother." "Thanks, Will." "You bought a great car, Mr. Banks." " Thanks for your business." " No, no, thank you." " Carlton." " Someday." " Will." " Oh, yes, sir?" "I believe this is yours." "Yo, a grand?" "Yeah, well, that's the standard commission for an Evader." "Oh, I forgot something." "What?" "Another zero?" "Hey, hey." "Well, I can only pay commission to someone who works for me." "Interested?" "That sounds great, man." "I can't fade that, I'm still in school." "Well, good for you." "Forget I mentioned it." "What does a college kid need with cash like this anyway?" "Hey, hey, hey." "What you talking about?" "Will, I believe you have the makings of a super salesman, and together we can make piles of money." "Of course, my pile would be bigger." " How about Saturdays?" " Saturdays?" "I tell you, throw a CD changer in my uncle's Evader, you got a deal." " Done." "How about Sundays?" " You gotta give me some wire wheels." " Holidays?" " Got to give a brother cellular for that." ""As you become more comfortable as a salesman you'll develop your own style."" "Say, baby, with all that butt, you might be needing a hatchback." "I'm gonna be so rich." " Hi, Will." " Oh, hey." "Hil, you mind if I kick my sales rap on you?" "Pretend you're buying a car." "No offense, Will, but I would never buy a car from you." "Hil, we're pretending here." "You're not my cousin, you're somebody else." "Oh, I get it." "Okay." "Hi, I'm Will Smith." "And I'm the Baroness Natasha." "I am on holiday in your country with my husband, the baron, and my lover Gustav." "Okay, look, baroness, I was wondering if I could interest you in a sporty new Evader?" " It has a V6 dual overhead..." " Yes, of course, I take six." "Gustav, pay the man." "You take jewels, yes?" "Hey, thanks a lot, Hil." "My pleasure." "Well, I'm off." "You most certainly are." "Look, G, I was wondering if my sales..." "Peasant!" "Hey, can I kick my sales rap around with you?" "Later." "Your Aunt Viv and I are going for a ride in Daddy's new toy." " What is that?" " This is cruising music." "Al Green and the Isley Brothers." " Sookie, sookie, now." " Baby." " Come in." " Hey, hey." "Will, Will, Will." "Man, congratulations." "Five cars in one day." "I've never seen anything like it." "Oh, yes, I have." "Me." "Look, I'm telling you, boss, it is the best feeling in the world." "Well, there's a close second." "You know what I'm talking about." "You know what I'm talking about." "Well, there'll be plenty of time for that." "Now, if you feel good now, take a look at your commission check." "I'm sorry, are my pants wet?" "How many of your friends can say they made that kind of money in one day?" "What you mean, legally?" "But it's a shame." "Tomorrow, when you're in some chemistry class learning about inert gases, someone will be stealing your commissions." " Now, that's where you're wrong." " That's the spirit." "I don't take chemistry, but I damn sure know math." "So you can figure what a full-time check would be?" "Yes, sir." "Five times this, carry the six, and add a zero." " And what do you get?" " I get out of school." "Shake hands with your new full-time man." "Whoomp, there it is." "Isn't this great?" "Family fun and no Will." " Your turn, son." " Okay, to me." ""You're in a store and you find $50 on the ground." "Do you pick it up?"" "Of course not." "Geoffrey picks it up." " Your turn, Ash." " Oh, okay, Daddy." ""It's clear your teenage daughter is not enjoying the tedious board game being played in a forced family-bonding moment." "What do you do?"" "Fine." "I try to encourage family time together, and this is the thanks I get." "If you don't wanna play, you don't have to." " Go on, get out of here!" " Philip." "That's what it says on the card." "Well, I'd ask if there was something else she'd rather do and discuss an alternative." " Good answer, baby." " Oh, I bet you feel like a big dummy." "Hey, hey, hey." "Yo, I tore up that sales chart today." "Well, congratulations, Will." "If you find something that excites you, hold on to it." "That's what gets me through the day." "So, Uncle Phil, what you're saying is that if a guy finds a job that he likes, he should give it his all." "Absolutely." " Then I'm doing the right thing." " Of course you are." "What are you doing?" "I'm thinking I'm gonna quit school and sell cars full-time." "Boy, have you lost your damn mind?" "There is no way you're gonna quit school as long as I'm here." "Aunt Viv, it's not like I'm working fries in some burger joint." "Look, I'm in a suit and a tie and I'm selling fine cars." "That's right." "College isn't for everyone, and if Will is happy I think we should all be happy for him." "That's right." "Hey, thanks a lot, Ash." "Listen, I get my license in a few months." "You think you could hook me up?" "Ashley, go to your room." " Cherry red." " I got you." " You know." " I got you, go ahead." "Your mother sent you here so you could have a bright future." "You quit school, you're throwing it all away." " I won't allow that." " See, now, that's not fair." "Hilary dropped out of school and turned out great." "Hilary's success is contrary to the laws of nature." "Totally inexplicable." "Oh, stop." " Look, that was a bad example." " Will, I think it's stupid..." " Stupid?" "It's not stupid." " Hey." "Hey!" "Could we talk to Will in private, please?" "It's idiotic." "Look, Uncle Phil, you go to college to figure out what you wanna do." "I mean, I found what I wanna do, and it ain't taking me no four years." "Going to college is not about finding a job." "It's also about finding yourself." "And the search should take more than one weekend." "Why can't you guys respect my decisions and treat me like an adult?" "Okay, fine." "I'm telling your mother." "Oh, Aunt Viv." "Look, Uncle Phil, I got to do this, man." "All right, Will." "Hey, come on, man, it's not the end of the world." "Yes, it is." "If I'd waited a few days, I could have bought that car from you wholesale." " Yo, what up, J?" " Yo." "I need to ask you a favor." "I need a car with a back seat." "Jazz, I can't just give you a car to take off the lot, man." "Who said anything about leaving the lot?" "This will do just fine." "Get out." "Get out!" "Come on, Ophelia." "That's all right, I have a real friend at the bus depot." "Well, this is impressive, man." "Twelve units in your first week." "You realize I have people on my staff who don't sell 12 cars in a year?" "Well, they in the wrong business." "So you think I should fire Harrison, do you?" " I didn't say that." " Well, you're wrong." " Good." " You should fire him." " What?" "Me?" " Yes." "Because I think you're excellent management material." "Here, sit down." "Put your feet up." "Good." "See?" "Looks good on you." "Yeah." "Feels nice on my butt too." "Imported cigar?" " Lf that's all you got." " Yeah." "Bite the end off." "I'm not too sure about this firing thing, man." "Will, Harrison's been sliding downhill for years." "His sales record is embarrassing." "Especially when compared to a mover like you." "Go ahead, put him out of his misery." "It's the only humane thing to do." "This chair is made out of leather, isn't it?" "All right, all right." "Say, Harrison, you got a second, man?" "Sure, I'm just doing some paperwork." "You know, some nights I can barely tear myself away from this desk." "Maybe you can take it with you." " Look, Harrison..." " Don't get me wrong." "Did you know I have six kids?" "No, I didn't know that." "Hey." "You know, I bet you'd love to spend more time with them, wouldn't you?" "Sure, especially since Mary died." "I'll be right back." "Yo, man, did you know Harrison has six kids and a dead wife?" "Of course I know." "He's my brother." " See, now, that's cold, man." " No, Will, that's business." "When you're the manager, you make the tough decisions." "I don't know, man." "Firing people ain't fun." "It's an acquired taste." "You'll learn it." "I have faith in you." "I don't know, man." "That's it, you're out of here, come on." "Don't be eyeballing me neither." "Get on, come on." "Get on!" "And wash those shirts." "Especially you." "That's three less mechanics to worry about." "Great." "Tomorrow, we hit the parts department." " Yes, sir." " I'll buy you a steak." "All right." "Hey, hey, hey." "Come on, man, you missed a spot." "You're fired!" "Fired!" "Now, look, the bottom line is, he wasn't producing." "Now, in this business, you either cut it or you don't." "And he didn't." "So y'all can take your bellyaching elsewhere because it's falling on deaf ears." "Get on out of here before I have to take my belt off." "Yo!" "Oh, that's funny?" "Y'all think that's funny?" "What were my nieces and nephews doing here?" "Yeah, they were coming to plead your brother Harrison's job." "I guess none of them good salesmen either, huh?" "You're beginning to scare me." "Can I adopt you?" "Hey, Pete, do you remember November 6, 1987?" "How can I forget?" "That's the day I set the sales record for the entire Southern California area." "I sold 11 cars." "Well, 10." "One of them had an exploding gas tank." "As far as I'm concerned, once they leave the showroom, it's a sale." "Well, that don't matter, because today I'm gonna sell 15." "Nobody can sell 15 cars." " Will Smith can sell 15 cars." " Oh, yeah?" "Why don't you try your hand at that angry sister that just came in." "Yo, man, that's my mom." "So what?" "A sale's a sale." "Hey, Ma." "Boy, where do you get off dropping out of school?" " Mrs. Smith, if I may interject..." " Who the hell are you?" "Mom, this is my boss." "This is Mr. Fletcher." "So you're the snake that lured my boy from that fine institute of higher learning." "Mrs. Smith, your son has a bright and productive future here at Mulholland Motors." "Oh, really?" "You ever been beat up by a woman?" "Not without having paid for it." "Will, I'll be in my office hiding under the desk if you need me." "Now, Mom, listen." "For the first time in my life I found something that I'm good at and that I enjoy." " It feels good, Mom." " Oh, yeah?" " Does this feel good?" " Mom." " Which way is that college?" " Mom." " Mom!" " Let's go." "This doesn't feel good, Mom." "My commission!" "This fat-free cake isn't bad." "Sir, that's a sponge." "Well, I guess I'll start my homework now." "I got a lot of studying to do if I expect to make the best of this wonderful opportunity to get my college education!" "Will, your mother's not here." "She went out to dinner with your Aunt Viv." "Oh, she better had." "Will, I'm sorry we had to involve her in this but you really left us no choice." "How in the world did she get the college to readmit you?" "She threatened to enroll herself." "We're all glad you finally came to your senses." "You have plenty of time to figure out what you wanna do with your life." "And being a car salesman didn't exactly bring out your most endearing qualities." "Uncle Phil, I was getting paid, man." "Will, what you do for a living should provide you with a sense of pride and personal fulfillment." "It should tap into that part of you that has something valuable to give to the world." "Shouldn't be just about money." " You really believe that, Uncle Phil?" " Yes, son, I do." "Then how do you explain being a lawyer?" "I'm going to get another piece of sponge." "How in the world did she get the college to readmit you?" "She threatened to enroll herself." "Well, we're all gia..." "Well, we're all glad you came to your senses." "You have plenty of time to figure out what you wanna do with your life." "And being a car salesman didn't exactly promote your... * * * *." "It didn't promote...?" "Excuse me." "It's people from the Lord." "There's people of the Lord in the audience." "Well, it ain't like they ain't never used that word." "We sorry." "See..." "See, James Avery..." "See, he's a heathen." " He's just a heathen." " Amen." "He's a blasphemer." "Here we go."