"NARRATOR:" "You've probably heard many stories that begin:" ""A long, long time ago, in a land far away. "" "This one does as well." "But I assure you, this is a story you have never heard before." "It's the story of a boy named Fred." "And it begins right here." "MIDWIFE:" "It's time." "You must push, dear." "Aah!" "Aah!" "MIDWIFE:" "That's it." "That's it." "One more time, come on." "Yes." "What's wrong?" "." "It's the fattest baby I've ever seen." "Oh." "Good Lord." "Why does he not cry?" "." "Ho." "Ho." "What did he say?" "." "Ho, ho." "He's perfect in every way." "What shall we name him?" "." "My father was called Nicholas." "Yes." "Nicholas claus." "My Saint Nicholas." "PAPA CLAUS:" "Frederick." "Would you Iike to come and meet your brother?" "." "[MOTHER CLAUS COOING]" "PAPA CLAUS:" "Come along now." "NARRATOR:" "Fred loved Nicholas from the first moment he met him." "In fact, that day, he made him a promise." "I promise to be the best big brother in the whole world, Nicholas." "Ho." "[LAUGHING]" "NARRATOR:" "But Fred's promise is just the beginning of his story." "You see, sometimes it's easier to make a promise than it is to keep one." "[CHEERING]" "Time to cut the cake." "FRED:" "Here you go, Nicholas." "I made this for you." "Happy birthday." "I thank you, Frederick." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "That was very nice, Frederick." "Nicholas, where are you going?" "." "There's a poor orphan named Henry who lives down the road." "I'm bringing all my gifts to him." "He needs them more than I." "That's lovely." "Do you really think Henry needs a journal with the name "Nicholas" on the cover?" "." "Frederick, it's a saintly thing he does." "My little Saint Nicholas." "NARRATOR:" "And so it went for Fred." "Every time he managed to make his parents proud..." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "Frederick, don't you look nice." "[GRUNTS]" "NARRATOR:" "...Nicholas managed to make his parents prouder." "The door was locked, so I decided to drop down the chimney." "What fun." "Ha-ha." "Oh, Nicholas." "If the door was locked, why didn't you just knock?" "." "Because he's inventive." "I made the outfit myself, Mother." "I wouldn't go telling people that." "Really, Frederick, why can't you be more like your brother?" "." "I don't wish to hate him." "He means well." "And I promised to be the best big brother in the world." "[CHIRPING]" "You're the only one who understands me, Chirp-Chirp." "[SAWING]" "[CREAKING]" "[COUGHING]" "Frederick." "I noticed how much you liked the tree so now we're gonna bring it inside the house and put presents under it." "Isn't that wonderful?" "." "[CHIRPING]" "NARRATOR:" "Chirp-Chirp never returned." "Frederick?" "." "NARRATOR:" "Our poor Fred." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "Is this for me?" "." "NARRATOR:" "That tree was the last straw." "He began to resent his brother, his parents and even his life." "Nicholas, why don't you open yours first?" "." "Oh!" "PAPA CLAUS:" "Spin it." "Spin it." "NARRATOR:" "And like many unhappy children..." "NICK:" "Why don't you open yours?" "." "NARRATOR:" "...he became angry." "Naughty, even." "[MOTHER CLAUS LAUGHING]" "MOTHER CLAUS:" "I wonder what it is." "What's the matter, Nicholas?" "." "Nothing." "NARRATOR:" "But while Fred grew worse Nicholas grew more generous, and eventually he fulfilled his mother's prophecy." "In manhood, he literally became a saint." "Now, it's a little-known rule of sainthood, but when you become a saint you freeze in time, eternally ageless." "The rule applies to the family of the saint and the spouses, as well." "Now, you probably already have your suspicions of what became of Saint Nick." "The world grew to know and love him as Santa Claus." "But as I told you before, this is a story about Fred." "And the next part of Fred's story occurs in a time and place that might be a little more familiar to you." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas!" "Everybody loves Christmas!" "Ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas!" "Everybody loves Christmas!" "Ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas!" "Everybody loves Christmas!" "Ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas!" "Everybody loves Christmas!" "Ow!" "You can't take my television." "I watch that in bed." "Are you nuts?" "." "You can't just run up and kick someone like that." "How old are you?" "." "Nine." "Nine?" "." "And you have a 55-inch plasma TV in your room?" "." "Santa got it for me for Christmas last year." "The guy in the red suit's not looking out for your future." "You're gonna get hooked on that." "I can see it now." "Sixteen thousand bags of Cheetos later you'II wake up, you're 35, crying about your life in front of the soaps." "I did you a favor." "You get outside, play around, make some friends." "play kick the can, do some athletic stuff." "Go to school, you're comfortable to play sports." "Do you have any ethnic in your background?" "." "Any ethnicity in your background?" "." "I bet you do, it's America." "You know what I mean?" "." "Put it on the application for college." "AII of a sudden, you get a Iittle extra money." "Uncle Sam's none the wiser." "You take that extra money, you buy a motorcycle." "Maybe you meet a guy at school." "Then you'II get pregnant with child." "It works out with the guy, doesn't work out, who cares?" "." "You're blessed to have a kid in your life." "You'II be athletic." "You're gonna be a moderate-to-Iukewarm student." "And you're gonna have a child before you graduate college." "Who are you gonna have to thank?" "." "Not the guy in the red suit." "But your pal, Fred." "Ugh!" "Sometimes it hurts to grow." "Hey, guy, you got a girl that kicks." "Is that from you or is that because you use the TV as a babysitter?" "." "Don't pay your bills again." "Next time I'II come and take your wife from you." "plasma goes to my place." "Pack it separately, make sure it doesn't scratch." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas!" "Everybody loves" "[SINGING "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN"]" "Catch it, catch it, catch it one time." "Come on, come on, come on, just a Iittle bit." "That's it, just easy, easy." "Damn it." "["SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "You mind changing the station for me, pal?" "." "It's your buck, buddy." "[DOG BARKING "JINGLE BELLS" ON RADIO]" "Can you change that again, please?" "." "Come on, I Iike that one." "That's a good one." "[CAT MEOWING "JINGLE BELLS" ON RADIO]" "Can you pull over, please?" "." "Come on, we're still 15 blocks from the" "Just pull the cab over, please." "Wanda, you have never been more attractive to me." "Freddie, I'm mad at you." "No, I'm seriously mad at you." "Two whole days, you don't call me." "I try and have a conversation with you about our moving in together..." "...and then you just disappear." "Sweetheart, I did not just disappear." "I found myself in a business opportunity with a sheik." "From India." "A sh-- There aren't any sheiks in India." "Don't tell that to this guy." "I had to go on a yoga retreat." "But to be honest with you, my chi...really strong right now." "Freddie, do you know what tomorrow is?" "." "Tomorrow?" "." "Yeah." "Yeah, I know what tomorrow is." "What is it?" "." "Tomorrow is tomorrow." "And today is today, and we shouldn't be wasting it arguing with each other." "No, Freddie, apart from that, all right." "What is the significance of tomorrow?" "." "What you're referring to in this conversation is the day after today?" "." "Yes." "You're asking me" "What I'm trying to say is that when it gets to midnight and then it's one minute past midnight, tomorrow begins and then it is my birthday." "That?" "." "Oh, no." "I know that." "The birthday thing, that I know." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Don't try and pretend you knew it was my birthday because I know you." "You didn't know." "I do know it's your birthday." "You forgot." "I have a surprise planned for you for your birthday, but you ruined it." "That's what I need, surprises." "Remember our three-year anniversary?" "." "You told me to brush up on French, you drop hints about the Eiffel Tower and then you took me gambling on a riverboat in Indiana." "The French thing was to get you off the scent." "The thing about it was that I bought those French books on tape." "I studied for three weeks." "That French is yours, that's a part of you, no one can take that away." "[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "Can I get you a cup of coffee?" "." "I just can't stay mad at you." "Freddie, will you tell me about the surprise?" "." "If I tell you, it would no Ionger be a surprise." "I know, I know, but...." "Yeah, you're right." "You shouldn't tell me, then." "You know what?" "." "I'm gonna tell you about the surprise." "It's not a surprise." "You already know what it is, so it's not a surprise." "So this time, on this specific occasion, I'II let you know what it is." "It's a dinner." "Yeah." "At, uh, a pretty exciting new hot spot here in town called Bonsai Palace." "Oh, that sounds familiar, Bons" " Bonsai Palace." "Yeah." "Hmm." "You're not making this up?" "." "If we go to Bonsai Palace, it's gonna exist?" "." "It's gonna be there?" "." "Absolutely, it's a hot spot." "Think romance, and think getting lost." "Charlie Brown you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem." "Maybe Lucy's right." "Of all the Charlie Browns...." "My man, Fred." "FRED:" "Don't come in bouncing off the walls." "If you can come in here, relaxed, and be a gentleman, then you can come in." "Can you do that?" "." "You want some milk?" "." "Yeah." "FRED:" "Okay." "Don't be playing with the channels and putting on videos and dancing, it's exhausting." "Okay." "Do you gotta go over the couch?" "." "With the feet." "The feet are dirty, the couch is clean." "You put the feet off the thing." "Oh." "My bad." "Do you want the milk?" "." "Yeah, go get that milk." "Yo, Fred." "I asked Santa for a puppy this year." "I'm gonna name him Macaroni." "But I don't know how Santa's gonna know where to bring me my gifts this year because I don't know where I'II be." "Because you know how sometimes, if my grandma's sick I end up staying over at my aunt's." "Most of the time, we just end up staying over at her boyfriend's." "What you think, Fred?" "." "Think Santa'II find me?" "." "slam, have you ever thought about Santa?" "." "Not really." "The guy's in a big red suit flying around because he craves the spotlight." "He's a fame junkie." "The guy's a clown." "He's a megalomaniac." "It's all a big shell game." "He presents himself like, "Look at me, I'm so nice."" "He's getting paid." "He's got a whole thing happening." "Know they sell more Santa statues along with trinkets than they do of Buddha?" "." "Oh, the big fat dude that be in the nail salon?" "." "He be like, "mm."" "Don't be a cheerleader for Santa claus." "Think about it, watch the angles." "Don't drink the Kool-Aid." "I Iike Kool-Aid." "Don't drink this Kool-Aid." "You not gonna ask Santa for nothing, huh?" "." "slam, I get what I want without charity from Santa claus." "Two hands on the milk, please." "Two hands." "Two hands if you're gonna drink." "I'm about to step into a lucrative business situation right now." "I'm working." "I'm creating assets." "You know?" "." "I'm starting a new business." "A ass what?" "." "Assets." "What that mean?" "." "Get your mind out of the gutter." "FRED:" "please, Leon, it's gotta be the spot." "You gotta come up with the full 50,000 by the 20th." "The only way I can hold it." "People are breathing down my neck." "I got the money." "Maybe we're not underst" " I got the money." "It's not about the money." "It's Iiquidating the money." "I have to get the money in a liquid situation so that I can pour it." "Listen, what's the largest growth industry in America?" "." "It's gambling, right?" "." "This space we're standing in right now, in three months' time will be the most-trafficked OTB in the city." "We're across the street from the Chicago Mercantile Exchange." "So every day when the market closes and the day traders hit the streets this is where they're gonna come, Leon." "It means everything to me." "please." "Listen, I don't wanna hear no futzing from you, pal." "I need it by the 22nd." "The best I can do." "Whatever." "It's gonna be fi-- We're gonna work it out." "I wanna hear you say the 22nd." "It's gonna be perfect." "22nd is perfect." "Likely the 22nd, or the 23rd, either way." "22nd and that's it." "That's the best I can do." "And that's it." "No more." "Icky, but done." "But if it's the 23rd" "Ah." "Done." "Twenty-second." "Two-two." "[CHATTERING]" "[BELL RINGING]" "Thanks." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Ho, ho, ho, ho." "Merry Christmas!" "AII right, ladies and gentlemen." "Step up for everyone's favorite charity, People Help the People." "Hey there, give me a hug." "You gorgeous Ieopard." "Meow." "Who's the queen of the jungle?" "." "You are." "Let me see what we got." "Oh, I Iike it." "Come on, I Iike how you do it." "Rock me with some paper." "Dig deeper." "And another 20." "Let me see what you got." "I'II take both of them." "Whatever." "Merry Christmas to you." "Hey, lady." "If you want salvation, no army can give it to you, only people can." "Bring your action down here." "That's it." "Give me that action." "We only help the people out." "What do you think you're doing?" "." "Just give me a second." "I'II deal with you in a minute." "Don't crowd my action." "Then help some of these people out this year." "Merry Christmas." "You're beautiful, great." "Get out of here." "I don't see your permit." "You need a permit to work this street." "Okay." "I don't answer to you, buddy." "I answer to the people." "Mind your own business, please." "The Salvation Army is my business." "What's going on?" "." "This guy's working without papers." "And he's bashing the Salvation Army." "I'm not bashing the Salvation Army." "I never bashed anything." "That wasn't bashing anybody." "Don't make up lies." "Show me your papers, clown." "Papers?" "." "What are you from, the 1950s?" "." "Look up People Help the People on the Internet, you'II see a picture." "Why don't you step into the 21st century?" "." "Right." "Call the cops, man." "You got a cop right there." "Where?" "." "Right over there." "[YELLING]" "SANTA 1 :" "Stop, thief!" "JERMAINE:" "Somebody call the cops!" "SANTA 2:" "Cut him off!" "SANTA 1 :" "He's an impostor!" "JERMAINE:" "Take his legs out!" "SANTA 1 :" "Come on!" "Help us out!" "SANTA 2:" "Get him!" "[HORN HONKING]" "[YELLING]" "SANTA 3:" "Get out of the way!" "[YELLING]" "SANTA 4:" "We got him!" "You guys got him!" "SANTA 5:" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Let's dance." "Let's dance!" "SANTA 5:" "Come on, he can't take us all!" "Only one man's gonna walk away from this thing, and I promise you it'II be the lightning quick dude with the big yellow things in his hands." "Dig it?" "." "[YELLING]" "THUG:" "Nice hat, Santa." "FRED:" "Wanda, are you there?" "." "Can you hear me?" "." "It's Fred calling." "Kind of important you pick up right now." "Are you at the restaurant?" "." "[YELLING]" "[SHOUTS IN JAPANESE]" "Give a call when you get a chance, as soon as possible." "Okay?" "." "Hopefully, I'II talk to you soon." "Bye." "Yeah, she's, uh, not picking up the phone, so, uh...." "What the hell, it's Christmas." "Go ahead, make another call." "[MUTTERING]" "Oh, boy." "No, there's not even a hint of gray left." "It's gone totally white." "Mm." "Honey, you think I'd look silly if I dyed it?" "." "You have a nice full head of hair, honey." "It's white, though." "Prematurely white." "Oh, Nick." "You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders." "I am not stressed out." "I just got a Iot on my mind is all." "Oh." "You seem upset." "Sweetie, we're 2 percent behind our delivery quota of last year." "And last year, we barely made it." "Want cookie." "Sweetie, you cannot keep eating your stress away." "I mean, it's a bit odd that they're checking up on me now." "Uh, I mean, they've never sent an efficiency expert before." "Why now?" "." "[PHONE RINGS]" "[NICK CLEARS THROAT]" "Ho, ho, ho." "FRED [ON PHONE]:" "Nick?" "NICK:" "Fred." "Oh, Nick." "Ha-ha-ha-ha." "How's things there, Fred?" "." "God, it's good hearing your voice." "How've things been with you?" "." "Oh, well, fine, fine." "You know, business is crazy but, uh, we're swell, we're swell." "How are you, huh?" "." "That's great." "I'm really happy for you, Nick." "The Christmas thing is taking off." "That's awesome." "Yeah, it's catching on." "Yeah." "So, what's up, Fred?" "." "Is there anything I can do for you?" "." "Well, if you really wanted to send me a gift uh, I guess it would be okay if you sent, uh $5000 to the police station in Michigan Avenue in my name." "Five thousand dollars?" "." "FRED:" "I'm fine, by the way." "I don't" " I'm fine." "I'm okay, but so you know, I" "Hold on a second, Fred." "I don't know what this is about..." "...but I know it can't be good." "It sounds like he's in a tough spot." "ANNETTE:" "If you wanna do something for him I know it's hard, but you need to practice tough love, honey." "I'm a saint, sweetheart." "Tough love." "Tough love's a Iittle difficult for me." "Try for me, baby." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "NICK:" "Hry, Frrd?" "Hey." "So 5 grand, Michigan Avenue Police Station done." "Merry Christmas, Fred." "Nick, that is" " I really appreciate it, man." "You know what?" "." "I'm gonna give you a gift this year." "Yeah, I am, Nick." "I'm gonna give you $10,000 for Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "Okay, how's that feel?" "." "[LAUGHS]" "That's" " I don't understand, though." "I'm giving you 5, Fred, so...." "You gotta be open to someone trying to give because it feels good for other people to give." "Go ahead, just send me $50,000 on top of the 5, okay?" "." "Then hold your breath, let me go and blow that up into 60." "Then I'm gonna give you $10,000 off the top of that with the original $50,000 back so that way I gave you $10,000, you gave me $5000." "I gave you $5000." "Merry Christmas." "Wait, wait, wait a second, Fred." "Fifty thousand dollars on top of the 5?" "." "What?" "." "What?" "." "FRED:" "That's just icing on the cake." "I have a deal going on." "Nick, do me a favor, don't make this complicated." "I'm in the spirit." "Let one brother give another brother a gift for Christmas." "I feel great about it." "Let me feel good?" "." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Please." "AII right." "AII right, all right." "Fred, fine." "Look, I'II tell you what..." "..." "I will pay the 5000 for your bail, okay?" "Uh-huh." "But if you want the rest of this, then you're just gonna have to come up here." "No!" "NICK:" "Yes, you earn that money." "I don't think that's a good idea, me and you to be with each other." "You know something?" "." "You've never come up here to visit." "Not even once." "What is it exactly--?" "." "What would I need to be doing up there?" "." "Uh, shave a few reindeer, sprinkle the doodads on the cookies put the stars up where the little guys can't reach them." "It's easy." "I'd have to have a hard out by the 22nd." "That's when I have my deal happening." "Okay." "Twenty-second." "This isn't about me coming up, then you having Mom ambush me" "Come on." "I'm not gonna go running to Mom." "I have no idea why you won't send 50 so I can blow it into 60 and give you 10." "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna practice tough love on you, buddy." "AII right?" "." "And I'm telling you right now if you do not agree, then I am sorry, but I cannot pay your bail." "[BUZZES]" "Wanda, can you buzz me in?" "." "It's Fred." "Hey, sweetheart, I know you're home!" "Freddie, go home." "I don't wanna talk to you." "Go home." "Okay, Wanda, I just wanted to get a chance to come by and explain." "Oh, explain?" "." "You wanna explain to me my romantic surprise birthday dinner?" "." "I was working for the People Help People charity organization." "Oh, I can't...." "I was chased by 30 Santa clauses." "Shut up down there." "People are trying to sleep." "I'm telling you the truth." "She doesn't believe you, pal." "So get lost." "Hey, Jerry Garcia, I'm having a talk with someone who I" " You're the worst." "Fred, will you go home right this minute." "Wanda, there's this unfortunate business situation I have to leave for tonight." "You what?" "." "Look, this is a business situation that I'm in with my brother." "When we first met, I said, "Have you got a brother or a sister?" ". "" "And you said, "No, Wanda, I don't."" "I have a bro-- I have the same mother and father but I never felt like I had a brother." "The courts would tell me I would." "No, listen to me" "I am through with this relationship." "I'm not through with this." "I can't take it anymore." "I can't take it." "I can take it." "Shh." "Freddie, I think I'm gonna go back to London." "So good luck with your brother, if he even exists." "Good luck." "I can't take it." "It'II rain in London, you won't be happy" "Wanda." "Fred, I need you." "Not now, I'm in a hurry." "Pretend to be my father." "What are you talking about?" "." "He's in here." "Who are you?" "." "I'm the boy's father." "Who are you?" "." "We're with Child Services, sir." "We're here to remove this minor from an unfit home." "According to our records, his father passed away a year ago." "FRED:" "I thought you said that your dad was...." "AII right, come here a second." "You can't count on anyone, slam." "You gotta always look out for yourself." "And you know how to do that, right?" "." "Yeah." "Let's get something straight." "If you're waiting for me to sing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" on the way you're wasting your time." "Let's go." "[THUDDING]" "[THUDDING]" "Are you Fred?" "." "Yeah." "Can I see some identification, please?" "." "Well, nice to meet you, Fred." "My name is Willie." "I'm Santa's head elf." "I wouldn't have known that." "[WILLIE CHUCKLES]" "So just the one bag?" "." "Just the one carryon?" "." "I'II get it." "Are you sure?" "." "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." "[GRUNTING]" "Okay, I'II help you get" "No, no." "I got it." "I got it." "Okay." "[GRUNTING]" "I'II just grab this here." "That's okay." "Oh." "I could've gotten it." "If I had one more little shot at it, I would've been just fine." "Come on." "So listen, I'm not so big on all this flying" "Ho!" "Whoa, okay." "WILLIE:" "We'II start our descent to the North Pole." "We know you don't have an option traveling to the North Pole but we appreciate your business, and I really enjoyed the conversation." "Okay, is this gonna be a steep--?" "." "Really?" "." "The hockey stop?" "." "Yeah, there's a passenger back here, in case you didn't remember." "Oh, sorry." "Least you didn't throw up." "[LAUGHS]" "[LAUGHING]" "[CHATTERING]" "Watch your step there." "Well, here it is." "Main Street, North Pole." "Pretty, isn't it?" "." "Workshop's behind you." "Mr. claus?" "." "Hi." "Hello." "Welcome to the North Pole." "It's so nice to have you here." "I'm Santa's Little Helper." "I am sorry to rush you, but we have to keep Santa on schedule because we are 439 hours, 22 minutes, and 3 seconds until C-Day." "Charlene's as good with numbers as she is beautiful." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you, um...." "Willie." "CHARLENE:" "Willie." "Thank you, Willie." "So I'm expecting Santa in 26 seconds." "Big Red is entering Zone One." "I repeat, Big Red is entering Zone One." "[SNEEZES]" "FRED:" "allergies." "He's got a gun." "Ow!" "Oh, no, no." "FRED:" "Ow!" "Aah!" "What's happening?" "." "Ow!" "Aah!" "Stop it!" "What's happening?" "." "Stop it!" "Ho, ho, ho." "No, no, no, boys!" "Boys." "Boys, easy." "Oh...." "Oh, Fred." "Ha, ha." "Oh." "That was nuts!" "Oh." "What is happening here?" "." "You don't have ninjas jump me when I first" "What kind of greeting is that?" "." "Excuse the guys it's the month before Christmas, a tense time." "They get jumpy." "They gotta make sure nothing happens to me." "Maybe something should happen to them." "Maybe I give them something." "It won't happen again." "They won't do it again." "You gotta put these guys on a leash, Nick." "I got you." "I'm on top of it, ASAP." "Oh, hey." "You remember Annette." "Say hey to Annette." "Annette." "You didn't have to get all gussied up on my account." "Ah, that last stint in jail has sharpened that rapier wit of yours." "That's great." "I'm here for you, and I really can't do enough for you." "Really?" "." "I thought you were here to take advantage of your well-meaning brother." "Oh, ho, ho, okay." "Ah, family's together again." "Fun, fun, fun." "Hey, Fred, I've already made your sleeping arrangements for you." "I have put you with Willie." "Well, here we are." "Oh, uh, watch your head there." "Come on in." "Here it is." "What do you think?" "." "Smurfy." "Very Smurfy." "To be honest, I don't get many houseguests." "Heh-heh." "No one's slept in that bunk for 100 years." "Good night, Willie." "Thank you for having me." "Good night, Fred." "You sure you wouldn't be more comfortable down here on the bottom?" "." "I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference, Willie." "Okay." "Night, Fred." "Good night." "[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]" "Willie, just for the record, I'm not really a morning person." "Oh." "Well, Santa did ask me to give you a full orientation of the gift-giving process so, uh, we'd better get a move on here." "Here it is, Fred, Santa's Workshop." "It all starts with a kid and a letter." "WILLIE:" "All over the world, children are writing to Santa asking for what they want for Christmas." "MOLLY:" "Dear Santa all I want for Christmas is an orange bicycle with banana handlebars." "WILLIE:" "All the kids' letters come here to the North Pole Post Office the busiest in the whole world." "Once they're sorted, the letters come straight to the Toy Factory." "ELF 1 :" "Orange bicycle for Molly Gordon." "ELF 2:" "Put her through." "WILLIE:" "Each and every toy that a child asks for is handmade by the elves." "It's important to Santa that every child feels taken care of." "Once built, the toys make their way to Packaging." "And finally, the toys are stored until Christmas Eve, when Santa delivers them." "It's good to know." "Thank you, Willie." "DONNIE [ON RADIO]:" "Here comes "Here Comes Santa Claus " on NP- 100." "["HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS" PLAYS ON RADIO]" "Oh, you're gonna love this." "We have our very own DJ." "Hey, Donnie." "DJ Donnie." "Um" "Well, well, well." "Oh." "It's the saint who puts the chill in the North Pole." "Ow!" "Hey, hey, uh, DJ Donnie." "Say hey to my big brother, Freddie." "Yo, brother Fred, can I get a "Ho, ho"?" "." "No." "DONNIE:" "Ooh." "You Scrooge, you lose." "NICK:" "Our Naughty-Nice Department." "This is the key to the whole process the nerve center of the entire operation, Fred." "You have a Ten Most-Naughty list?" "." "NICK:" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, right now we got Johnny Rollins in Nova Scotia." "He's occupying the number one spot." "Last month he bit his father and his dentist." "But why did he bite them?" "." "Well, I assume that they, uh-- They got their hands too close to his mouth." "Of course, sometimes kids are both naughty and nice." "So in that case, we do an up-to-date determination, hence the snow globe." "Let me show you how it works, all right?" "." "Ahem." "Timmy Jackson New York City." "Watch this." "[TIMMY YELLING]" "What are you doing?" "." "Get out of my room!" "Get out of my room!" "[SISTER SCREAMING]" "Oh, boy." "Okay, that seems pretty cut and dried." "What, we don't know what happens, what--?" "." "Good morning, Fred." "Honey, may I have a word with you, please?" "." "You betcha." "Fred, you just stay right there." "Don't you move an inch." "I better check up on the all-girls Swedish swimming team." "I'm hoping they're naughty." "Heh-heh." "Fred is really motivated." "ANNETTE:" "You think?" "." "NICK:" "He's gonna be a big help here." "How you doing?" "." "Be working with you." "The efficiency expert arrives in 1 5 minutes." "We're gonna be fine." "I know it, I know it." "NICK:" "Give me a Iittle something." "Yes, I will." "Mm-hm." "There we go." "alrighty." "Let's get you to work." "Now, I'm going to explain this to you in very simple terms, okay?" "." "Now, see those blue files?" "." "Uh-huh." "I want you to review those files, okay?" "." "Yeah." "If the kid strikes you as naughty bam!" "Stamp him "Naughty."" "AII right?" "." "But if the kid strikes you as nice...." "Bam!" "Bam!" "Yep." "You stamp them "Nice."" "I'm a cog in the wheel." "I am." "Good, all right." "I gotta hustle, because I gotta meet somebody right now, okay?" "." "Aye, aye, captain." "Captain's on deck." "Rest assured, my man." "Mail delivery." "The ship's getting steered safely, my man." "NICK:" "AII right, buddy." "Great." "So this is it?" "." "Yeah, right." "That's just Bethesda, Maryland." "DONNIE [ON RADIO]:" "All right, everyone." "Oh, my goodness it's "Here Comes Santa Claus!"" "["HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS" PLAYS ON RADIO]" "You didn't have to travel by helicopter, Mr. Northcutt." "I would've happily sent the sleigh." "I despise reindeer." "Oh." "ANNETTE:" "Oh." "Uh, would you Iike to settle in?" "." "We have your room ready." "Oh...." "You could take a Iittle nap." "I don't nap." "Oh." "Ah, well, that sounds like it's gonna be dandy." "As you can see from the chart labeled 1 16-9C the average size of a child's wish list has grown substantially in the Iast 200 years." "In the 1800s, for example, children rarely asked for more than one item and usually these items were of a intangible nature." "Something like a family member's health or the end of war or famine." "I remember that." "Try fitting that down the chimney, huh?" "." "[NICK AND ANNETTE LAUGHING]" "NORTHCUTT:" "Chart 345-1 1B shows that today the average child asks for 15 gifts per letter." "Growing child demands and increasingly complicated toy making are putting your operation further behind each year." "It's not good enough, Mr. claus." "Well, now, we are not here to give every child every toy that they want." "Mr. Northcutt, part of Christmas is being grateful for the things that we can have." "Yes, well, if it were only that simple." "NICK:" "Ha, ha." "It's not?" "." "No." "Sadly." "You see the board is seriously considering shutting you down." "What?" "." "That's so unfair." "Shutting us down?" "." "Streamlining, consolidating, outsourcing an entirely new operation based at and I know this is gonna be tough for you to hear based at the South Pole." "Oh." "That" "But it's not just you." "We're putting the tooth fairy on a one child, one tooth system." "You lose your first tooth, get a buck, put it under the pillow." "But then get on with your life." "It's getting a bit...." "Don't you think?" "." "also, we're gonna dump the Easter bunny." "It just doesn't make any sense anymore." "I mean, Easter and bunnies and eggs and all that." "Where's the synergy?" "." "Don't get it." "Now, Iet's move on to the next item on the list, shall we?" "." "How much are you actually feeding those elves?" "." "Wanda BIinkowski, Chicago, illinois." "Is that someone special?" "." "Yeah." "That's my girl, there." "Oh, no." "I totally spaced out." "Look, I got a quarter right here." "WANDA:" "Well, I'm sorry, darling, but you're two minutes too late." "Really?" "." "Yeah, really." "That must make you feel bad, having people argue with you." "Yeah, well, it's definitely not the favorite part of my job." "How about I make it up to you?" "." "Let me take you to dinner." "Go to dinner with you?" "." "Consider it a meal and sparkling conversation." "No, I can't." "Thank you, but I can't." "It's always, uh, painful to watch a guy crash and burn, my man." "You have a boyfriend?" "." "Um...." "No." "No, actually, I don't." "MAN:" "Well, that's a good thing." "What do you say?" "Well, I'II give you a ticket." "And I'II give you my card." "Okay." "Nice to meet you." "This may be the best ticket I ever got." "[WANDA LAUGHING]" "You gotta pay it within 30 days, you know that?" "MAN:" "I'll see you before then, right?" "["HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS" PLAYS ON RADIO]" "[GRUNTS]" "EI Paso." "Great." "DONNIE [ON RADIO]:" "You're not gonna believe this." "Another request for "Here Comes Santa Claus!"" "This time from Beth in Accounting." "Here you go." "Are you kidding me?" "." "Are you kidding me with the "Santa claus" again?" "." "Hey, DJ." "DJ Donnie." "What up, Fred?" "." "Stop playing the same song over and over again." "It becomes like mental torture." "But, Fred, it's so catchy." "God." "Okay, Donnie." "It's one song that's being played over and over and over again." "And the only thing that breaks that up is you announcing it's the same song." "It would be a nice gesture to play something different." "I said no." "Donnie, change the song." "No!" "No!" "Change the song!" "You know what?" "." "I'm gonna change the song, then, for you." "What are you getting physical for?" "." "Music's about love." "Don't get physical with me." "We're trying to share." "What are you doing?" "." "Stop it." "Come on, stop" " What, are you gonna do it to me?" "." "Donnie, stop." "You're acting like an untrained dog." "Get ahold of yourself." "Take a breath." "Stop swinging at me." "Will you calm down?" "." "Okay, you know what?" "." "I'm gonna Supernanny you." "Put you in the Naughty cabinet." "You can't handle yourself." "DONNIE:" "Unh!" "FRED:" "Listen to me, calm it down a Iittle." "Stop it." "Use your words." "Use your words." "I'II let you out once you're sorry and you're ready to turn a corner..." "...and be a team player, okay?" "." "DONNIE:" "Don't do it." "I'II put my elf foot up your butt." "I'm from the south side of the North Pole, man." "I hear you." "Let me out!" "Let's heat it up!" "Let's heat it up!" "[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "RUBBERNECKIN'" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "Come on, Iet's Ioosen it up in here!" "You got the same thing playing all the time." "Let's Iiven it up!" "Let's get dancing." "Let's get our blood pumping." "Let's make some bad decisions with each other." "Come on." "Stop looking shy, baby, light it up." "Oh, my goodness." "[SINGING ELVIS PRESLEY'S "RUBBERNECKIN'"]" "It sounds angry." "I know." "I Iike it." "Bring it in." "You wanna come up here?" "." "[CHEERING]" "Your continued existence at the North Pole will all be decided on a simple three-strike policy." "You make it through Christmas without three strikes, I send back a positive report." "If, however, you do get three strikes this entire operation will be shut down permanently." "Oh, and one more thing, absolutely nobody is to know why I'm here." "Especially the elves." "NICK:" "Of course." "Mr. Northcutt, the elves are extremely dedicated and hardworking." "I am confident that they will impress you, sir." "Ho, ho, holy cow." "[WHISTLES]" "[ELF GRUNTS]" "["HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS" PLAYS ON RADIO]" "Stop it." "Stop it." "Stop." "Everyone, this is Mr. Northcutt." "He'II be with us through Christmas." "please make him welcome and let him observe." "Back to work." "They have never behaved like that before." "I assure you." "No elf discipline." "Showing a complete lack of control over your entire workforce." "That's a biggie." "It's disappointing." "And that would be strike one." "Hmm." "NORTHCUTT:" "Sorry, didn't catch your name." "Oh, that's, uh, Fred." "That's my older brother." "He's just helping out for the season." "I didn't know you had a brother." "Mr. Northcutt, uh, I should have someone show you around." "Willie." "NICK:" "Take a tour, there, Mr. Northcutt." "Ho, ho, ho, ho." "Fred." "What in the heck are you doing?" "." "Nick, Iet me be completely honest with you here, the DJ is a real problem." "Fred, he's an elf that plays records." "Nick, he continued to play the same song over and over and over and over and over...." "Got you." "Got you." "He then decided to lay his hands on me and get physical and tried to hurt me, Nick." "[SIGHS]" "Okay?" "." "Now, I have a decision to make in that moment." "Do I wanna try to get physical?" "." "Do I wanna pound this elf's head in?" "." "And the answer to that is no." "I want him to know how it feels not to be respected..." "...when you're trying to do your work." "Shh." "Just lower your voice." "Keep it down." "And to be honest, if you decide to punish him, I'm not gonna be mad at you." "I'm not gonna be upset with you." "If you wanna bring the hammer down upon his little DJ hands..." "Mm-hm." "...do it, dude." "Okay." "AII right." "That's a thought." "And I'm gonna sit on that and let it boil." "But what I'm trying to tell you is..." "[WHISPERING] ...the elves have gotta stay sharp right now." "Very important, okay?" "." "We can't have any type of problems, anymore, okay?" "." "I get it." "We're two brothers talking now, I know where you're coming from." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's all that counts." "That's what counts." "Now that you said that, it's not gonna happen..." "..." "I'm gonna kill him with kindness." "No, no, no, you don't have to." "Love, kindness, it's coming off of you Iike radiation or something." "No, no, no." "You're gonna stay at your station." "Right." "Smooth sailing, right?" "." "The smoothest sailing." "NICK:" "Freddie, I am so glad you took my invitation for dinner." "I'm excited we're gonna be able to hang out as brothers." "NICK:" "Break bread, right?" "." "Absolutely." "I want one." "Ah." "Nick." "Nick." "Oh, boy." "What?" "." "Nick." "What?" "." "Nick, come here." "Okay, okay." "What the heck is Mom doing in the house, huh?" "." "I want you to be honest, does she know I'm here?" "." "Call me crazy, but my mom comes and visits me for the holidays every year." "I'm not going in there, Nick, because I don't visit with Mom..." "...and I don't for good reason." "It would be really nice if, for once things were nice and calm and you just dropped by for dinner." "This isn't even debatable." "I'm not going." "Ho, ho, ho, I'm not gonna listen to no." "There's a book, Dors Frrd Go to Dinnrr?" "flip through the pages and last page, Fred does not go to dinner." "The End." "The sequel, know what it's called?" "." "Ding-dong, Who's There?" "Why, it's Fred." "I'm not going." "Pumpkin pie." "Come on." "Get it through your head." "I am not going to dinner." "[NICK CHUCKLING]" "Aah!" "Oh." "Hello, I hope I'm not intruding but I ran into your parents, and they invited me to dinner." "Oh." "Oh, no, no, yeah, welcome, welcome." "ANNETTE:" "Here we are." "So, Frederick, how have you been?" "." "I've been good, Ma." "I've been real good." "That's nice." "Oh, I'II tell you, Fred has been doing a bang-up job down in the Naughty-Nice Department." "Ho, ho." "I wouldn't say I've been doing a bang-up job." "I had complications and hit rough spots..." "...but I'm doing the best I can." "NICK:" "Oh, yeah, no, no, no you are proving to be one very hard worker." "Well, I would imagine he's probably a very hard worker, considering." "FRED:" "Considering what?" "." "Considering that you didn't have the time to come to our anniversary party." "Your brother gave us quite a shindig." "Fred sent a lovely gift, though." "Come on, now, that massage chair, that looked very, very expensive." "Yes, I'm sure it was." "FRED:" "What's happening?" "." "NICK:" "What do you mean?" "." "I don't see" " What's happening?" "." "Nothing's happening." "Okay." "[LAUGHS]" "Oh, you all right?" "." "FRED:" "Ow." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "I even enjoyed the card that came with it." "Do you remember what you wrote on the card, Frederick?" "." "Um, Iet's see, was it something like, uh:" ""Happy anniversary, I hope you choke on your meal"?" "." "Ho, ho, ho." "Ha-ha-ha-ha." "[NICK LAUGHING]" "Now you're just being silly." "Have some gravy, darling." "The potatoes are awfully dry." "Phyllis, I wish you wouldn't do that, because Nicholas needs to lose weight." "Hmm...." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "He's perfect." "You're looking at a man who can fly around the world..." "...in a single night." "Ah, man." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "That's unbelievable." "Okay, Mom." "You know, I can never get over that, Nicholas." "I just" " You amaze me." "Isn't it amazing?" "." "I think it's absolutely amazing." "To think that he can fly around to a million houses in one night breaking and entering, staring at little children eat the little kids' cookies and stuff." "That's a phenomenal occurrence." "And I get jacked out of my mind just thinking about all those laws being broken." "Don't you guys feel it?" "." "Frederick, why are you so upset?" "." "Oh, come on, Mom." "Don't...." "Oh." "I just wish you were a Iittle more like your brother." "Great." "Okay." "I have a feeling I'd be much more comfortable back in my little hut with, uh, some Hot Pockets and a milkshake." "Come on." "Don't be like that." "Fred." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "Oh." "I just love meeting people's families." "I find it so revealing." "[ELVES LAUGHING]" "ELF:" "Night, Frosty." "See you tomorrow." "[BELL RINGS]" "Fred." "Hey, terrific." "Come on in, my friend." "How are you, Willie?" "." "I'm great." "Pull up a stool." "Hey, eggnog for Fred, Frosty." "Sure, they're on the way." "Make it a double." "Thank you." "Hey, Fred." "Charlene." "Yeah." "You know, you see these people, uh, after work and I don't even recognize them." "You know, Iike, "Oh, of course." "Charlene."" "Yeah." "Good night, Fred." "Good night, Charlene." "Good night, uh...." "Willie." "Willie." "Fred, I don't" " I don't...." "I don't understand, Fred." "She doesn't remember my name?" "." "What is it, Fred?" "." "Is it--?" "." "It's me, isn't it?" "." "You can tell me, Fred, it's okay." "Because you're my friend." "It's just that" " She thinks I'm a freak." "I Iove her." "I Iove her." "Uh, Willie, now look." "You love to laugh." "You're a Iot of fun to be around." "Fred, I can't even tell a joke." "I say the Iast line first." "I'm afraid everyone's gonna stop listening." "This thing is very easy." "Let her know that you're ready for fun, and you are not gonna apologize for it." "You know, at last year's after-Christmas party I almost asked her to dance." "Then I remembered I can't dance." "Heh." "Yet." "What?" "." "Can't dance yet." "[ROLLING STONES' "BEAST OF BURDEN" PLAYS ON JUKEBOc]" "Fred, I feel ridiculous." "I don't know how to dance." "I don't know the steps." "This is very uncomfortable for me." "Come on." "Get out of your head for a second." "Get into your body." "Okay, see, I'm not gonna do that." "I can't actually do that." "We're no Ionger talking with this, we're gonna talk with" "Bring it." "Bring it right now." "Bring all that green goodness that you have on and bring it right up on me." "Come on, this beautiful green angel." "Now, put one hand here." "Great." "Put another hand here." "Come on, grip it." "Don't be shy." "AII we're gonna do is a Iittle bit of a baby sway." "That's it, just a gentle rock back and forth." "Just easy." "Now, you got short arms, which is good because it means you gotta get close." "So go ahead, pull this big tugboat to shore." "Anchors aweigh." "That's it." "Okay, now, the next thing you do is put your hand on my back." "That's not my back, but it is a Iittle bit naughty." "I Iike where you're headed, but for these purposes, Iet's just keep it professional." "Fred." "Now, remember, Willie dancing is not about dancing, right?" "." "It's about connecting." "Now, look me in the eye." "Great." "Now, if I was a girl, I'd get goose bumps with what you just brought." "The other great thing about dancing is it's the perfect bridge to a kiss." "So all you gotta do is have fun, Iet me know I can have fun and then when the time's right, that's when you make your move." "Get my blood pumping." "Start to feel it." "Get your blood pumping." "Let's get excited." "Let's make it happen." "Come on, big guy." "Turn around and show me what you don't know." "That's it." "Okay." "That's one way to look at it." "Keep moving it, baby." "That's it." "Keep rolling." "There's no rules." "I Iike it." "You're making it happen." "You're dancing." "That's okay, and it's not okay, and it's okay." "Feel it." "Stay with it." "Wind it up." "I Iike it." "Heat it up." "Work it harder." "Stay with it, brother." "Oh, I forgot my gloves." "[WHISPERING] It's okay." "Just get up calmly." "FRED [IN NORMAL VOICE]:" "That's all right" "Willie." "So you fell down, big deal." "Fred, not everybody falls down on his face in front of the girl he loves." "I Iooked like a total idiot out there." "How am I ever gonna be seen in public again?" "." "It's ridiculous." "Thank goodness BIitzen didn't feel that way the first time he learned how to fly." "When BIitzen learned to f--?" "." "Why don't I know this story?" "." "Oh, come off it, Willie." "Everyone knows this story." "When BIitzen learned to fly?" "." "He fell on his face." "He did?" "." "He'd try and take a run" " Yeah." "He'd run and he'd fall flat on his face." "But he picked himself up and he'd keep trying." "And eventually, he stopped thinking and he flew." "It's common knowledge." "Ah, Fred, come on." "It's true." "I'm not BIitzen, though." "I'm no BIitzen." "Well, I disagree with you, Willie." "I know you got more BIitzen in you than you realize." "Love is so complicated." "Yeah, can be." "It hurts." "I'm proud of you, Willie." "Now, good night." "Good night, Fred." "[NORTHCUTT SINGING "DECK THE HALLS"]" "NORTHCUTT:" "Oh, Fred." "Oh, where, oh, where did all the kids' letters go?" "." "[NORTHCUTT SINGING "DECK THE HALLS"]" "Oh, isn't that sweet?" "." "Lucy wants a cooking set." "Well, here's how you make pasta, darling." "There's a start." "[HUMMING]" "Oh, little Keenan Adams wants a bike for Christmas." "Well, Keenan, I guess you'II be taking the bus to school from now on." "Oh, Freddie, Freddie, you have been so very, very naughty." "I didn't take any of the files out of the room." "I never got to the S's." "Fred, I don't need to tell you how very important these files are." "Without them, we have no idea what the children want." "Or whether they've been marked Naughty or Nice." "And it was your responsibility, of course, to keep track of them." "I just told you, I would know if I-- I didn't take any" " What is going on here?" "." "And why are you standing there judging me with your arms folded?" "." "Uh" " Uh, I'm not judging you, I'm nervous." "I'd be nervous too if I was up to no good." "Doth who protests the most." "Can you believe this guy?" "." "Okay." "Come on." "I got my eye on you, Bob." "Yeah?" "." "Anytime, big fella." "Bob, settle down." "You wanna talk like an elf, you have to act like an elf." "I'm easy to find." "Big talk." "He's got a bigger reach than you, Bob." "Trouble?" "." "No, no, no." "No?" "." "Nobody in Wisconsin's gonna get any gifts this year!" "[YELLS]" "Oh, my, my." "Those poor children." "Oh" "You don't have any backup records?" "." "Well, we've never had something like this happen." "I'm sure that they'II turn up." "I mean, after all, where could they have possibly gone?" "." "Failure to administrate backup records." "That would be strike two." "[MUTTERS]" "Look, this is probably none of my business but I'm a Iittle concerned about Fred." "Oh." "Well, I appreciate your concern, Mr. Northcutt, but he is fine." "It's just that I've seen these kind of things before." "The little lies flashes of anger." "No, I can assure you, he's fine." "Well, but it could get so much worse, Santa." "Tell me, has he asked for large sums of money recently?" "." "And what about trouble?" "." "Has he gotten into trouble with the Iaw?" "." "Why, yes, Mr. Northcutt, yes, he has." "Of course." "He's crying out for help." "And if someone doesn't step in and help him, why I'm afraid it's gonna get ugly." "Well, what can I do, Mr. Northcutt?" "." "I did have a thought." "But Fred's not going to like it." "What kind of party are you dudes throwing?" "." "Airmail it!" "Airmail it to me right now!" "Let's get jacked up!" "[GLASS SHATTERING AND FRED YELLING]" "[GRUNTING]" "What are you, nuts?" "." "I feel like Patty Hearst." "I was just abducted, Nick." "You're gonna have to pay something to make up for the hurt I have inside of me." "And it's not gonna be cheap." "I got a lawyer that's got vowels in his last name, Nick." "And he's gonna contact you and make you feel the hurt that I feel from your handlers." "Frederick." "We're having a family intervention." "Your behavior has been unacceptable." "Wanda, hi." "Hi." "You all right?" "." "I'm doing terrific." "I'm doing great." "How've you been?" "." "You know, I've been all right." "Yeah, I've been, uh, working and" "That's awesome." "Work is really good for someone to do when they're doing stuff." "I've been working a Iot, too, by the way." "Uh, and also fighting for my Iife." "But, um...." "My brother's Santa claus." "Yeah, yeah." "I can" " I can see that." "It's a Iittle different." "WANDA:" "Um...." "Yeah, the whole thing's been a Iittle bit unusual." "Ha." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "Your brother has flown someone in we think can help you." "This is Dr. Goldfarb." "Hello." "Your erratic behavior is putting too much stress on your brother." "Mom, for Pete's sake, okay, I'm not, ha-ha-ha, stressed out about it." "Nick." "You're falling apart." "I am not." "Yes, you are." "You're dangerously overweight." "He is not." "You have no idea what your son is going through." "Okay." "ANNETTE:" "He is a terrible closet eater." "He has developed acid reflux and sleep apnea." "I snore." "I mean, people snore." "It is keeping him up all night and it's affecting his health, not to mention other aspects of our marriage." "Oh, ho, ho, Annette." "He's having a tough time getting off the ground, huh?" "." "[MOTHER CLAUS SINGING "JINGLE BELLS"]" "FRED:" "I'm just saying." "please, Iet's just cut to the chase." "It's simple, it's always the same thing with you, Fred." "You cause problems." "NICK:" "Sweetie" "And then you make excuses like, you know, you're looking out for someone else." "MOTHER CLAUS:" "Ever since he was a Iittle boy." "I couldn't have said it any better." "Freddie, that is what you do." "That's great." "Do me a favor, please." "Why don't you just stay out of this?" "." "Well, I came for the intervention." "Your family asked me." "Don't you have a date with a guy who forgot to plug his meter?" "." "Have you been spying on me?" "." "FRED:" "Yes." "WANDA:" "You got nothing better to do?" "." "FRED:" "I don't like what I saw." "WANDA:" "If you spied on me properly you would know I didn't end up going out with that guy." "Let me just say this to you." "It is not flattering on your character to see you with a man who's got Iiver-spotted hands." "It's a very weak choice." "It makes you look weak." "WANDA:" "Look, I can tell you what your problem is." "You won't let anybody love you because you don't think you're worth loving." "If it pleases the court did you have an older gentleman ask you out on a date?" "." "WANDA:" "Yes, but that's not the point." "I didn't see him again." "Then she's a dater." "WANDA:" "You push and fix on one thing." "Then stop dating." "Put down the phone." "That's it." "I've had enough." "Excuse me, Mr. Santa claus." "It's been very pleasant to come to the North Pole and, yeah." "FRED:" "Go find a date." "Maybe get lucky with an elf on the way out." "WANDA:" "Good luck." "Hope it goes well." "Well, there's a Iot of mistletoe out there, so you should be psyched." "Fred." "I think we're making some real progress." "You wanna know what the good news is about all of this, is tomorrow's my last day." "We don't have to have therapy." "Therapy is for people who want to be in each other's lives." "We don't have that problem." "I'm gonna finish my job, I'II be out of your lives forever." "Ah." "Nice night." "Get lost, guy." "Santa claus' brother, that must be a tough beat." "My brother's a doctor." "I never hear the end of it." "Half the time, I feel like I don't even exist." "And the way your whole family treats you." "What's your story, man?" "." "Excuse me?" "." "Look, whatever you're trying to do with me here's not gonna work." "Well, what exactly am I trying?" "." "I don't know what it is you're into, but something's real kind of creepy about you and ever since you got here my brother's been getting a Iittle bit nervous." "That's wonderful." "What is wonderful?" "." "You take an interest in your brother's well-being." "Of course you do." "I'm sure he does the same for you." "CIyde" "You ever seen a tree that grows in the shadow of another tree?" "." "It's all puny and misshapen because it's just bending and twisting trying so desperately to get some sunlight." "If somebody just cut off a few feet of that big tree that little tree could grow up strong." "But no, that's not the way life works, right?" "." "They all love that big tree, right?" "." "They're all proud of that one." "They hate the crap out of the little one next to it." "The little tree that refuses to grow right." "And you know what?" "." "Till somebody comes along and cuts down that big tree that little tree is never gonna get any light." "Any light." "I'm sorry." "I don't know where that came from." "Christmas." "Have a nice night." "[BELL RINGS]" "What the hell was that?" "." "Oh." "Looks like a new kid just took over the number one Most Naughty spot." "slam?" "." "Samuel Gibbons, Chicago, illinois." "What are you asking Santa for?" "." "A family." "I'm asking for a family too." "Santa's not bringing y'all families." "Santa claus is a clown." "He's a fame junkie." "He puts on a big red suit and rides around the town with reindeer." "It's because the man is desperate for attention." "The dude needs to be in the spotlight." "There's more Santa statues in the world than Buddha." "It's a shell game." "Y'all drank all the Kool-Aid, fools." "You just know you're never getting adopted because you're mean." "[GRUNTING]" "KID 1 :" "Break it up!" "You'II get in trouble!" "KID 2:" "Get off me!" "Get off!" "KID 1 :" "Break it up!" "Break it up!" "KID 2:" "Get off!" "Somebody's gonna get in trouble!" "I don't care." "I'm Slam." "[CHARLENE SIGHS]" "Santa, I ran the numbers three times." "Yeah." "Charlene, mention this to no one." "Especially CIyde Northcutt." "Yes, sir." "NICK:" "Fred!" "What the blazes have you done?" "." "You marked every naughty child as nice." "Are you out of your mind?" "." "None of the kids seemed naughty to me." "Good grief, Fred." "You really never see the ramifications of anything, do you?" "." "We literally cannot make enough presents with only three days left." "We cannot deliver all of those presents." "Do you see?" "." "It's over." "Congratulations, Fred." "You've cost Christmas for the whole planet!" "Everybody!" "Lithuania, everywhere in Africa, the whole thing!" "Right down the crapper!" "blame it all on me, right?" "." "It's all my fault." "How convenient." "Annette was right about you." "Mom was right about you." "You know what, save it." "Maybe you should look at your own self for a change." "You just keep stuffing your face with gingerbread, fat boy." "[YELLING]" "[GRUNTING]" "You slick-talking, fast-talking punk." "You know I've been battling a weight problem for years, Fred." "That is not funny." "You know what?" "." "You can shove it, Thunder Thighs." "I'm sick of it." "This little tree's gonna get some light." "This tree's gonna chop that big tree down." "I don't have to take your abuse!" "Nick, I couldn't miss you if I tried." "I couldn't miss you if I tried because you're so fat." "You throw like a girl, Iike a big, leather jacket-wearing girl." "Come on, Nick." "Aaarggh!" "Come on, fat boy!" "Ah." "Aah!" "How'd you get to work today?" "." "You roll?" "." "How'd you get here?" "." "Did you steal a sled from some little kid?" "." "Come on!" "[GRUNTING AND YELLING]" "Good night, sweet prince." "[SPITS AND GRUNTS]" "[LAUGHING]" "Don't bring a snowmobile to a snowball fight, Nick." "[LAUGHING]" "[YELLING]" "You gonna run me over?" "." "Are you gonna run me over?" "." "[YELLING]" "[SCREAMING]" "[COUGHING]" "I never realized it before." "You hate me." "I don't hate you, Nick." "I just wish you were never born." "Yeah." "Oh." "Ah." "[GRUNTING]" "clyde Northcutt is not from Human Resources, Fred." "He's an efficiency expert." "And he is one strike away from shutting me down." "Permanently." "[NICK GRUNTING]" "Well, I hope you're happy with yourself, Fred." "Look, Annette, I want my money." "A deal's a deal." "ANNETTE:" "Yeah." "Personally, I don't think you deserve a cent." "Oh." "He wanted you to have this too." "Merry Christmas, Fred." "Let's go, Willie." "NICK:" "Well, well." "Mr. Northcutt." "You wanted to see me, sir." "Yes, I did." "Bring up Fred claus from earlier today, please." "Well, now, we can correct that." "We can correct that." "Charlene." "We still have plenty of time, don't we?" "." "With less than three days to go until Christmas you now have no way of making your quota." "And I think you know what that means." "Strike three." "Look, it gives me no great pleasure to have to say this, but" "Well, actually, who am I kidding, this is a fantastic moment for me." "[LAUGHS]" "NICK:" "Huh." "You're fired." "[GASPS]" "LEON [ON MACHINE]:" "Hey, Fred, it's Leon." "It's the nd." "This is your big day, buddy." "et that 50 's in my hands." "Call me back." "Let's do this." "STALLONE:" "And I, uh, feel this way all the time." "It's not Iike I didn't want my brother to succeed." "We were very close growing up." "I mean, we shared bunk beds." "He was my roadie, used to carry my amps." "And my mother always told me, since I was a Iittle kid:" ""You're gonna support your brother." And so that was gonna be my job." "And then ocky came out, and, uh, things changed, you know?" "." "I was the first guy in line." "I mean, I was there." "And then when ocky III came out I was starting to wonder who Frank Stallone was, you know?" "." "It was like identity theft." "You're fighting Rambo and you're fighting Rocky and trying to keep them at bay so you can get you to come through." "Well, anyway, I wanna thank you guys for listening." "I feel good coming here." "I Iike it here." "GROUP LEADER:" "Wonderful." "Thanks for sharing, Frank." "Okay." "Now, I think we go to Roger." "Um, I actually have some things I'd Iike to talk about if" "Okay, you're just gonna have to wait your turn." "Roger's been waiting, and we didn't get to him last time, so we'II go to Roger." "I have a Iot of stuff boiling right now, so" "I appreciate that." "After Roger." "Okay." "Roger?" "." "I'm Roger, I'm a recovering sibling." "ALL:" "Hi, Roger." "My brother's Bill clinton." "My brother was the president of the United States." "You know, I was flipping through the channels on the TV and on the History Channel was the State of the Union Address from 1993." "When we left the White House, I thought it was gonna be the first step to recovery." "But no, I started to cry again." "And I just don't know if I'm ever, you know, gonna be able to fully recover now." "Maybe that's a place where I could jump in, share what's going on with me." "Who are you?" "." "I'm Fred." "ALL:" "Hi, Fred." "Hi." "Go ahead." "Would you Iike to take a turn now?" "." "My name is Fred claus." "ALL:" "Hi, Fred." "Hi." "I'm, uh...." "Uh, I'm Santa claus' brother." "And I got a Iot of stuff going on, uh, because of it." "There's a Iot of things" " There's a Iot of, um, juice in the tank over it." "And, uh" "Is this a joke to you?" "." "Stephen, by the way." "ALL:" "Hi, Stephen." "Hey, guys, what's up?" "." "I mean, because this isn't funny to all of us here in the group." "Okay, this is very serious to us." "And I'm feeling very uncomfortable with where you're coming from." "Wait, Stephen maybe to him, his brother is Santa claus." "Feel like my brother's Santa claus." "But I feel like my brother's Santa claus because my brother really is Santa claus." "AII right, that's enough, all right!" "You and I got a problem!" "GROUP LEADER:" "Stephen, easy, easy." "AII right." "Stephen, easy." "That's not AIec, okay?" "." "Don't look at me, look at him." "That's not AIec." "That's not AIec." "I'm not AIec, you know what I mean?" "." "AII right, Iet's stomp it out." "It's not AIec." "GROUP LEADER:" "alec's not gonna hear." "How's he gonna...?" "." "That's not AIec." "GROUP LEADER:" "Okay, that's not AIec." "That's not AIec!" "GROUP LEADER:" "That's not AIec." "That's not AIec!" "GROUP LEADER:" "AII right." "Now that you've got AIec's attention, Stephen, what do you wanna tell him?" "." "Stephen, I think I know where you're coming from because I used to be really, really angry with my brother." "I didn't want to become first brother, especially for the rest of my Iife." "I couldn't control being brother of the president of the United States." "But I could control being Bill clinton's brother." "And I made the decision, even though I could have brought the house down I made the decision that, for the love of my brother and for the love of my family name that I was gonna do whatever it took because I Ioved my brother and I was always gonna be there for my brother." "And I have been." "And you know what?" "." "You can be too." "The Travel Experts?" "." "Yeah." "I need to get to the North Pole right away, Iike, tonight." "Yeah, I got $50,000 in cash that says I'm not kidding." "Oh, North Pole." "North Pole." "FRED:" "North Pole is there?" "." "Safe journeys to you, and thank you." "Ha." "Willie, gather all the elves and meet me in the Workshop right now." "Let's go." "Look, guys we gotta make as many presents as we can in the next 10 hours." "WILLIE:" "Fred, it's Christmas Eve." "It's impossible." "We just can't build that many toys in that time." "The rule says that every kid gets a toy." "So, what would be the easiest toy to make?" "." "One for boys and one for girls." "A baseball bat." "A Hula-Hoop." "FRED:" "Well, baseball bats and Hula-Hoops it is, then." "Charlene, do you think it's possible we can make enough gifts to meet our quota?" "." "Baseball bats, lose four seconds, 55...." "Yeah, it is possible." "It is, but, Fred, that's not what the kids asked for." "Yeah, but all that matters is that each of the kids get a toy." "That they all have something that they can open when they wake up in the morning." "Most importantly, they all know that there's somebody who's thinking about them." "You guys have never missed a Christmas before." "If you guys are gonna go out this year you're gonna go out trying." "Okay." "We're on it." "I've never seen him" "That's because he's..." "...thrown his back out." "No." "Hey, Annette, how you doing?" "." "Fred." "Nick, I think we're gonna make it." "I got elves in the Workshop making presents." "We're cutting corners, but I think we can make it." "You'II still be able to save Christmas." "We don't have a Iot of time." "That's impossible." "The man can hardly carry his own weight." "NICK:" "I can't move." "I can't, Fred." "You can do it." "It's Christmas, come on." "The kids are out there, counting on us." "Oh, boy, I wish I could." "Willie, this is your big night." "This is your big night, pal." "You're gonna deliver the presents." "Willie can." "No, Fred, I can't." "Of course you can." "You're great on that sleigh." "No, no, you don't understand." "I can't do it." "There's a rule." "Only a claus can deliver the presents." "Do you guys mind giving me just a moment alone with my brother here?" "." "Yeah, um...." "I can't do that, Nick." "I think you know that." "Uh...." "I'm not capable." "I'm not even comfortable flying or being a passenger, Iet alone trying to fly the sleigh." "I wouldn't know my way around reindeer" "Hey, Fred." "It's all right." "It's ridiculous for anybody to expect that kind of thing." "No." "You can't do that." "You can't." "It's too huge." "Believe me, I know." "Heh." "Heh." "And I would never ask you to do that, Fred." "It's all right." "It is all right." "Nick, there's been one thing that's been eating at me since I've been here." "That Naughty-Nice List that you got?" "." "There's no naughty kids, Nick." "They're all good kids." "But some of them are scared." "And some of them don't feel listened to." "Some of them had some pretty tough breaks too." "But every kid deserves a present on Christmas." "Yeah." "Africa plus Asia, plus Europe, North America, South America." "It's gonna be close." "Let's go, people!" "Let's pick up the pace!" "Red Fred has entered the building." "I repeat, Red Fred has entered the building." "Willie, Iet's go." "[HUMMING]" "What the heck's going on around here?" "." "Little elves." "You can't trust them at all." "The little tiny people." "Ha." "Nice outfit." "What the heck do you think you're doing?" "." "Delivering presents." "Oh, no." "Santa is the only one who can deliver." "Only a claus can deliver presents and that is a claus." "If you think I'm gonna let you get away with this, you are sadly mistaken." "If you don't get out of the way of this sleigh in three seconds..." "..." "I'II be the happiest guy in the North Pole." "You don't have the guts." "Okay." "Three two...." "Willie, how do I do this?" "." "Just say "ho."" "Ho!" "Aah!" "Good, Fred." "Nice firm grip on those reins." "What's happening now?" "." "Snap those reins, we gotta get this thing in the air!" "Tell the guys to get up!" "Get up, get up, get up!" "There you go!" "You got it, Fred!" "Yeah." "We're going up!" "Whoa!" "WILLIE:" "Ha, ha." "You're flying." "You're flying Santa's sleigh!" "We're flying." "Now what's happening?" "." "Watch the roof there." "I can't do it!" "[GRUNTING AND COUGHING]" "Oh!" "Do it to me, how do I steer this thing?" "." "We wanna go up!" "So you gotta pull up on the reins there, Fred!" "Okay." "[FRED YELLING]" "Christmas One, do you copy?" "." "WILLIE [OVER RADIO]:" "North Pole, this is Christmas One." "r coy- Wr hrar you loud and cirar" "Sixty seconds and counting for a landing, North Pole." "Okay, we've got 1 0 hours, Fred." "We need to be done delivering by 5:38 a.m. North Pole time." "That's sunrise, and that's game over." "Going down this thing here, it's, uh...." "It's gonna hurt a bit, isn't it?" "." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "It ain't gonna tickle." "Oh, and one more thing, make sure you eat all the cookies." "It hurts people's feelings if you don't." "I got it." "Oh!" "Aah!" "[THUDS]" "Aah!" "Yeurgh." "[GRUNTING AND YELLING]" "CONTROL ELF:" "Head 12 degrees north into London." "WILLIE:" "North Pole, this is Christmas One." "We're heading 12 degrees north into London." "Stephen Harding." "Anna-Marie Gormley." "Done." "Emma Short." "[CAR ALARMS WAILING]" "Oh." "We'II come back to this neighborhood later." "Go 20 degrees past Dallas towards Lubbock." "Roger that, North Pole." "FRED:" "Whoa!" "Aah!" "Christmas One, take your heading off one-zero-niner." "WILLIE:" "Fred, Fred, Fred!" "Shake it off, Rudolph!" "You sure you've never done this?" "." "You're driving like an absolute pro who makes a Iot of mistakes." "FRED:" "It's okay." "Friendly, friendly, friendly." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "WILLIE:" "Katherine Tibbett." "CONTROL ELF [OVER RADIO]:" "Christmas One, veer right at the Empire State Building." "[GRUNTING]" "Next page." "Have a slice of challah." "Thank you so much." "I appreciate it." "Mazel tov." "And that knish?" "." "Let me just have one of these." "It's hard to pass these beauties up." "You're too generous." "Shalam." "Shaloobi." "Psst." "Kid." "Santa." "You found me." "Yeah, I found you." "I find all the good kids." "Macaroni." "It's you." "Hi." "Hi, boy." "Come on, boy." "Hi." "slam, I want you to listen to me you got some advice a while back, and I think it was a Iittle off." "The world is what you make it." "It all starts with what you make of yourself." "And I want you to believe in yourself, slam because you got a Iot to believe in." "And the rest will all...." "AII kind of fall into place." "Okay?" "." "Okay." "Merry Christmas, pal." "Merry Christmas, Santa." "Oh, and, um, Santa?" "." "Yeah." "Here's your wallet back." "FRED:" "That's a good start." "Let's try and build some real momentum with that, okay?" "." "Okay." "CHARLENE:" "I think we're gonna make it!" "[CHEERING]" "Christmas One, are you there?" "." "Over." "Are you there--?" "." "North Pole, go ahead, this is Christmas One." "Good luck finding your way in the dark without a candle, Freddie." "And as of right now, each and every one of you little adorable munchkins is fired." "So go home, pack up your stockings." "You're taking a bus back to EIfistan or wherever the hell you're from." "North Pole?" "." "North Pole, this is Christmas One, go ahead." "Hey, guys." "Uh...." "I think we're flying blind up here." "[FOOTSTEPS]" "By the time the sun rises, it will all be over." "See you in the morning." "clyde Archibald Northcutt 422 Dashwood Drive Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania." "Ha." "Yeah, you, uh-- You made the Most-Naughty list in '68." "Oh, boy, that was a very, very naughty year." "How could you possibly remember that?" "." "You asked me for a Superman cape." "But I didn't give you a Superman cape, did I?" "." "Did you always wear glasses, clyde?" "." "If you think this is gonna change anything" "Four-Eyed CIyde." "I bet that's what they called you." "I don't know what you're talk" "Oh, and do you think that after a while of being called Four-Eyed CIyde you maybe got a Iittle angry?" "." "Maybe you started a fight or two." "Maybe 10, maybe 1 2." "Hmm." "So you asked me for something." "A Superman cape." "Because you thought that that was gonna change everything." "This is ridiculous." "So you decide to stay Four-Eyed CIyde?" "." "Because clark Kent wore glasses!" "Oh, but when he turned into Superman he didn't need those darn glasses anymore, did he?" "." "Oh, clyde." "It was wrong of me not to give you that gift, clyde." "I fear that I had a very incorrect misguided understanding of naughty children." "So this, uh, may be a Iittle late...." "You wanna put it on?" "." "[GASPS]" "Mr. claus, I'm a 45-year-old man, I'm not" "Put it on." "For me." "Okay." "Thattaboy." "Oh." "[NICK CHUCKLES]" "glasses off." "Now, I need your help." "[PAPER RUSTLING]" "WILLIE:" "Oh." "Do you know what you're doing?" "." "Uh...." "Quarter to 2 a.m. There's Ursa Minor." "That means we should be at longitude 38.25." "That's, uh, four" "Take a left!" "Take a left!" "I really, really need your help." "I'm gonna need you to turn the power back on, Superman." "Now, I know that you can do this." "You have to understand, I've already submitted my report." "It's final." "If Fred doesn't deliver all those presents by sunrise the North Pole will be shut down forever." "There's nothing" "I understand that." "I do." "But what do you say we give him his shot?" "." "Because he's not a naughty kid either." "WILLIE:" "I'm trying to" " Hold on!" "Just look outside." "That looks like the Grand Canyon." "Isn't that it?" "." "Oh, boy." "Fred, it's 4:15." "Look, I'm gonna tuck and go as fast as I can, all right?" "." "Done, done." "WILLIE:" "Snap the reins!" "We need more speed at this altitude!" "Going as fast as I can!" "Tell me when to turn!" "Now!" "Fred." "I know, Willie, I know." "Fred, I have a bad feeling about this." "We did it." "Willie." "To the snow globe!" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "You are the best big brother anybody could ever ask for." "Hmm." "Ho, ho, ho." "Fred?" "." "I brought you a Christmas gift." "How'd you get in?" "." "I came down the chimney." "Freddie, you can't just show up dressed like Father Christmas and come down somebody else's chimney." "Actually, I can." "I've been doing that all night." "Uh...." "Freddie, do you know what?" "." "I'm starting to get a bit worried for you, right now because, Iike, you're standing here, in my bedroom, wearing red." "And, you know, it's getting like to be sort of restraining order time." "So you look sort of tired, and I know that I'm very tired." "So maybe I'II call you later, but right now I think you should just go home." "AII right?" "." "Just go home." "Um, I am home." "You're what?" "." "I've given up my lease on my apartment." "I'm gonna be moving in here with you." "But listen, take your time." "I want you to digest this and process things." "I could use a Iittle sleep." "I'II be right out in our breakfast nook area." "I'II be curled up in our breakfast nook." "When you're ready, you come find me here at home, at our house." "This is no good." "We can't go to bed when we're arguing now that we're living together." "Shh." "And I got a big surprise planned for you." "Oh, no, Freddie, not a big surprise, please." "Ah, I think you're gonna change your mind when you see this one." "Freddie, is it all right that we're doing this?" "." "It's a company car." "It's one of the perks." "Okay." "Oh, Freddie, it's unbelievable." "We're in Paris, baby." "We're in Paris." "[LAUGHING]" "NARRATOR:" "So I bet you're wondering what happened to everyone else." "That Christmas turned out to be one of the most successful ever." "[THE BYRDS' " MY BACK PAGES" PLAYS ON RADIO]" "NARRATOR:" "People everywhere found themselves more satisfied and filled up than ever." "Good work, Hans, you've learned to use the spreadsheet." "That's wonderful work." "NARRATOR:" "So Santa hired Clyde on a consulting basis." "Good." "Very good." "Oh, it's a nice sweater, clyde." "Real nice sweater." "NARRATOR:" "Clyde's efficiency ensured that the North Pole never fell behind again." "Even with every kid getting a present." "Willie and Charlene found out that kindred spirits and soul mates often come in all shapes and sizes." "And Bob and Linda finally got e-mail." "Linda, where are all the new orders?" "." "I e-mailed you five minutes ago." "please, do not use all caps all the time, okay?" "." "Yeah, but" "Not everything is that important." "Love you." "Love you back." "[CHATTERING LOUDLY]" "You're jumping around like animals." "What are you doing?" "." "Stop." "What do you got your hat on--?" "." "You don't have a video." "Wear your hat like a man." "Turn your hat around." "Put your hat on straight." "You wear it like this to block the sun." "When you're eating, take your hats off." "BOY:" "Yeah." "She's right." "Show respect." "Take off your hat." "Don't forget "man" is also in the word "manners."" "Bring it in for a team chant here." "Ready?" "." "On three." "One, two, three, kill them!" "NARRATOR:" "Fred never stopped watching over Slam." "[CHATTERING]" "MAN:" "Ah." "SLAM:" "Whoa!" "NARRATOR:" "And by the next Christmas, Slam had a family of his own." "VOICES [ON TV] :" "Three, two, one, happy New Year!" "NARRATOR:" "And Santa Claus finally got the one present he always wanted." "He got his brother back." "I'm not letting go." "I got you in a death grip." "I'm not letting go." "Aah!" "FRED:" "Get out there." "Look!" "slimming down." "Citrus fruits." "Get out there, big guy." "Bit more fancy, you know." "NICK:" "Wanda, excuse me." "Mind if I take her away for a second?" "." "Oh, yeah, go right ahead." "Come here, Dad." "It's just you and me now." "NARRATOR:" "But as I told you before this is the story of a boy named Fred." "I just love Wanda." "I mean, she's a Iittle bit above your station." "So I thought maybe you should just sort of clean up your act, you know?" "." "Have a great new wardrobe to start off the new year." "You're a claus." "Get out there." "You know, look at your dad." "He's so dapper." "Don't do it to me." "I'm trying to be positive." "Oh, but I'm positive too." "I'm positive I'm right." "You need a new wardrobe." "Okay." "Happy New Year to you, Mom." "Happy New Year." "I Iove you." "I Iove you too." "NICK:" "That's more like it." "ANNETTE:" "Ooh." "NICK:" "How about that move?" "." "[CHIRPING]" "[ENGLISH SDH]"