"The peace of God, which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God and of His Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, and the blessing of God Almighty." "The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit be upon you and remain with you, this day and always." "Amen." "Will that do the trick, do you think?" "We're about to find out." "Jimmy!" " Ready?" " Ready." "Mum, please." "Lads, wait." "Just get in the car." "I'll be back in five minutes." "Let's get it over with." "Fiona, Fiona!" "Read out from the top." "Fiona, just read it out." "Let's see." "Three A's!" "I got three A's!" "Three A's!" " Chris, what did you get, man?" " Full house!" "Three A's!" "Three A's!" " Told you you would." " Full house!" " Hey, what did you get?" " Er, A and two B's." " Hey, it's Dakin." " Stuuuuhoooo..." "Stu, what happened?" " Are you not gonna look?" " I got mine last night." " I bet you did." " You jammy sod." " Lockwood." " Felix." " Lockwood." " Sir." "Why are you dressed as a milkman?" " Working, sir." "For the 'olidays." " As a milkman?" "After the holidays you'll be coming back to try for Oxford and Cambridge." "Your A-level results are the best we've ever had, and they demand that you return for an extra term to work for the examination to our ancient universities." "One more term, boys." "One more push." "In the meantime, try and do something... fitting." " I'm in a bookshop, sir." " Good, good." " I'm on the bins." " I'm a bouncer, sir." " Lavatory attendant, sir." " Gigolo." " Congratulations, boys." " Mrs. Lintott!" "Three A's!" "Three A's!" "So, we shall be meeting again after all." " Yes, sir." " At school you don't get parole." "Good behavior just brings a longer sentence." " Ah, you poor boys." " See you next term, sir." "Thank you, Miss." ""The happiest youth, viewing his progress through," "What perils past, what crosses to ensue," "Would shut the book and sit him down and die."" "Congratulations, Dorothy." "You must be very pleased." "Morning!" "You are entitled, though only for five minutes, Dakin, to feel pleased with yourselves." "No one has done as well." "Not in English, not in science, not even, dare I say it, in media studies." "And you alone are up for Oxford and Cambridge." "So, to work." "First essay this term will be the Church on the eve of the Reformation." " Not again, Miss." " This is Oxford and Cambridge." "You don't just need to know it, you need to know it backwards, Timms." "Facts, facts, facts." "They're clever, but they're crass." "And were it Bristol or York, I'd have no worries." "But Oxford and Cambridge?" "We need a strategy, Dorothy, a game plan." " They know their stuff." " But they lack flair." "Culture they can get from Hector." "History from you, but..." "I'm thinking aloud now." "Is there something else?" "Think charm, think polish." "Think..." "Renaissance man." "Leave it with me, Dorothy, leave it with me." "Yes, Headmaster." "Wilkes." "Ah, yes." "An innovation to the timetable." " PE." " Yes, Headmaster." "For the Oxbridge set." ""Surely not", you say." "But why not?" "This is the biggest hurdle of their lives and I want them... galvanized." "Galvanized." "Yes, Headmaster." "In the timetable, our esteemed headmaster has given these periods the dubious title of "general studies"." "I will let you into a little secret, boys." "There is no such thing as general studies." "General studies is a waste of time." "Knowledge is not general, it is specific." "And nothing to do with getting on." "But remember, open quotation marks, "All knowledge is precious whether or not it serves the slightest human use", close quotation marks." "Who said, Akhtar?" "Timms?" "Lockwood, Dakin?" ""Loveliest of trees, the cherry now..."" " A Housman, sir." " "AE Housman, sir."" "Wasn't he a nancy, sir?" "Foul, festering, grubby-minded little trollop." " Do not use that word." " But you use it, sir." "I do, sir, I know." "But I am far gone in age and decrepitude." "Er, you're not supposed to hit us, sir." "We could report you." "I know, I know." "You should treat us with more respect." "We're scholarship candidates now, sir." " We're all going in for Oxford and Cambridge." " Oxford and Cambridge!" "What for?" "Old, sir." "Tried and tested." "No!" "It's because other boys want to go there." "It's the hot ticket, standing room only." " Where did you go, sir?" " I went to Sheffield." "I was happy!" ""Happy is England, sweet her artless daughters;" "Enough her simple loveliness for me." Keats." "We won't be examined on that, will we, sir?" " Keats?" " Happiness." " You are?" " Irwin." " Irwin?" " The temporary contract teacher." "Quite so." "The examinations are at the end of term, which gives us, er..." "three months, at the outside." " You were at Cambridge." "You know the form." " Oxford." "Jesus." "You see..." "I-I thought of going." "But this was the... the '50s." "Change was in the air, and a spirit of adventure." "So, where did you go?" "I was a geographer." "I went to Hull." "They're a likely lot, the boys." "Erm, erm..." "All keen." "One oddity" " Rudge." "Determined to try for Oxford." "Christ Church, of all places." "No hope." "No." "Might get into Loughborough, in a bad year." "Er... otherwise, all bright." "But they need polish." "Edge." "Your job." "We're low in the league." "I want to see us up there with Manchester Grammar School, Haberdasher Askes," "Leighton Park." "Or is that an open prison?" "No matter." "There is a vacancy, in history." "That's very true." "In the school." "Ah." "Get me scholarships, Irwin." "Pull us up the table and it's yours." "I-I'm corseted by the curriculum." "But I can find you, er... three lessons a week." " Not enough." " Yes, I agree." "However..." "I think I know where we can filch an hour." "Où voudriez-vous travailler cet après-midi?" "Je voudrais travailler dans une maison de passe." " Oh là là!" " Qu'est-ce que c'est?" " A brothel." " Ah!" "He'd like to work in a brothel." "Très bien." "Mais une maison de passe où tous les clients utilizent le subjonctif ou le conditionnel." "Bien." " D'accord, monsieur." " Voilà." "Voilà." "Déjà un client." " Bonjour, monsieur." " Bonjour, chérie." "Entrez, s'il vous plaît." "Voilà votre lit." " Et voici votre prostituée." " Oh là là!" "Je veux m'étendre sur le lit." "Je voudrais. "I would like to stretch out on the bed,"" "in the conditional or the subjunctive." "Continuez, mes enfants." "Mais les chaussures, monsieur." "Pas sur le lit." "Oh!" "Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, excusez-moi." "Et votre pantalon, s'il vous plaît." " Come on!" "Sir..." " Sir!" "Sir!" "Oh!" "Quelles belles jambes!" "Et maintenant" " Claudine." "Oui." "La prostituée, s'il vous plaît." " A quel prix?" " Dix francs." "Dix francs." "Pour dix francs, je peux vous montrer ma prodigieuse poitrine." "Ah, non, non, non..." "Un autre client." "Ah!" "Cher monsieur le directeur." "Mr. Hector, what on earth is happening?" "L'anglais c'est interdit." "Ici, on ne parle que français." "En accordant une importance particulière au subjonctif." "Oh..." "Erm..." "Qu'est-ce qui s'est passé ici?" "Pourquoi ce garçon..." "Er..." "Dakin, isn't it?" "...est sans... er... trousers?" "Ah!" "Erm..." "Quelqu'un?" "Oh!" "Ne sois pas timide." "Dites à cher monsieur le directeur ce que nous faisons." " Je suis un homme qui..." " Vous n'êtes pas un homme!" "Vous êtes un soldat." "Un soldat blessé." "Vous comprenez, cher monsieur le directeur?" " Soldat blessé." " Wounded soldier, of course." "Ici, c'est un hôpital en Belgique." "Belgique?" "Pourquoi Belgique?" " À Ypres." " Ypres?" " Ypres." " Ypres?" "Pendant la guerre mondiale numéro un." " Ypres." " C'est ça!" "Dakin est un soldat blessé." "Un mutilé de guerre." "Et les autres sont des médecins, infirmières, et tout le personnel d'un grand établissement médical et thérapeutique." "Continuez, mes enfants." "Il appelle sa mère." "Mon père!" "Mon père!" "Il appelle son père!" "Il est distrait, il est distrait." "Il est commotionné, peut-être." "Comment?" "Commotionné." "Shell-shocked." "C'est possible." "Commotionné." "Oui, c'est le mot juste." "Permettez-moi d'introduire Monsieur Irwin, notre nouveau professeur." " Enchanté." " Enough of this silliness!" "No, not silliness!" "Mr. Hector, you are aware these pupils are Oxbridge candidates?" "Nobody's told me." "Mr. Irwin will be coaching them, but it's a question of time." "I've found him three lessons a week, but I was wondering..." "Purely on a temporary basis." " The last time, I promise." " Last time was the last time." " I'm thinking of the boys." " I am, too." "No, absolutely not." "No." "No, no, no." "C'est hors de question, et puis, si vous voulez m'excuser, je dois continuer ma leçon." "À tout à l'heure." "Fuck." "It's true, though, sir." "We don't have much time." "We don't even have to do French." "Now, who goes home?" "Well, surely I can give somebody a lift." " Who's on pillion duty?" "Dakin?" " Not me, sir." "I'm going into town." " Crowther?" " I'm off for a run, sir." " Akhtar?" " Er... computer club, sir." " Ah." " I'll come, sir." "Oh, no, never mind." "I'll come, sir." "Ah!" "Scripps." "The things I do for Jesus." " It's never me." " You're too young still." "It will happen." "Now that you've achieved puberty." "If rather late in the day." "Mr. Hector is likely, at some point, to try and put his hand on your knee." "This is because Mr. Hector is a homosexual and a sad fuck." "The drill is to look at the hand and go, "And what does Mr. Hector want?"" "Well, he has no answer for this and so will desist." "Thrutch up." " I just think I should have been told." " He comes highly recommended." " So did Anne of Cleves." " Who?" "He's up to the minute, Dorothy, more "now"." "Now?" "I thought history was "then"." "Felix." "Anne of Cleves." "Remind me." " Fourth wife of Henry VIII, sir." " Of course." "She was the one they told him was Miss Dish, only, when she turned up, she had a face like the wrong end of a camel's turd." "Quite so." " What's the matter with you, lad?" " Oh, I've got a note, sir." "How much for?" "I don't do notes." "Get changed." " Sir..." " God doesn't do notes either." "Did Jesus say, "Can I be excused the Crucifixion?" No." "Actually, sir, I think he did." "Change!" "One day it will save your life." "Nothing saves anyone's life, sir." "It just postpones their death." "Jesus Christ will save your life, lad, if you only let him into your heart!" "I'm Jewish, sir." "I'm Muslim, sir." "Very good." "Most excellent." "Ooooh!" "Go on!" "Lad, lad, lad!" "You're letting yourself down, you're letting God down." " What's God got to do with it?" " Listen, boy, this isn't your body." " No?" " No!" "This body is on loan to you from God." " Fuck me." " I heard that!" "Give me 20." "20 what?" "Hail Marys?" "Do it." " You're late." "Get your kit off." " I'm on the staff." "Well, I've never seen you." "What's this?" " Do you need a hand with that, sir?" " Is it joined-up writing?" "Mrs. Lintott's given me a view of some of your latest essays." "The experience was interesting." "The essays not." "Dull." "Dull." "Abysmally dull." "A triumph." "The dullest of the lot." " I got all the points." " I didn't say it was wrong." "I said "dull"." " Its sheer competence was staggering." " You've got crap handwriting." "It's your eyesight that's bad and we know what causes that." "Sir!" "Is that a coded reference to the mythical dangers of self-abuse?" " It might even be a joke!" " A joke, sir?" "Oh." "Are jokes gonna be a feature?" "We need to know as it affects our mindset." "You don't object to our using the expression "mindset", do you, sir?" "Mr. Hector doesn't care for it." "At the... er... at the time of the Reformation, there were 14 foreskins of Christ preserved, but it was thought the Church of St. John Lateran in Rome had the authentic prepuce." "Don't think we're shocked by your mention of the word "foreskin", sir." "No, sir." "Some of us even have them." "Not Posner, though, cos he's, well..." "Jewish." "It's one of several things he doesn't have." " Fuck off." " That's not racist, though, sir." " Isn't it?" " It's race-related." "But not racist." "Has anybody been to Rome or Venice?" "Florence?" "No." "The other candidates will have been and have done courses on what they've seen." "So they'll know, when they do an essay on the Church at the time of the Reformation, that, oh, look, some silly nonsense on the foreskins of Christ will come in handy, so that their essays, unlike yours, will not be dull." "They're not even bad, they're just boring." "You haven't got a hope." " So, why are we bothering?" " I don't know." "You tell me." "You want it." "Your parents want it." "The headmaster, he certainly wants it." "Me?" "I wouldn't waste the money." "I'd go to Newcastle and be happy." " Of course, there is another way." " Oh!" "How?" " Cheat!" " Possibly." " Dakin." " Sir?" "Don't take the piss." "There isn't time." " What a wanker." " They all have to do it, don't they?" " Do what?" " Show you they're still in the game." "Foreskins and stuff." ""Oh, sir, you devil."" "Have a heart." "He's only five minutes older than we are." "What happened with Hector, on the bike?" "As per." "Except I managed to get my bag down." "I think he thought he'd got me going, but, in fact, it was my Tudor Economic Documents, Volume Two." "So, let's summarize." "The First World War, what points do we make?" " Trench warfare." " Mountains of dead." " On both sides." " Generals stupid." " On both sides." " Armistice." "Germany humiliated." " Keep it coming." " Mass unemployment." "Inflation." "Collapse of the Weimar Republic, internal disorder, the rise of Hitler." "So our conclusion is that the origins of the second war lie in the unsatisfactory outcome of the first." " Yes." "Yes." " First class." "Bristol welcomes you with open arms." "Manchester longs to have you." "You can walk into Leeds!" "But I'm the fellow of Magdalene College," "I've just read 70 papers saying the same, and I'm asleep." " But it's all true." " What's truth got to do with it?" "What's truth got to do with anything?" " The new man seems clever." " He does." "Depressingly so." " Didn't you try for Oxford?" " Cambridge." "Cloisters." "Ancient libraries." "I was confusing learning with the smell of cold stone." "If I had gone I'd probably never have worked out the difference." "Durham was very good for history." "It's where I had my first pizza." "Other things too, of course, but it's the pizza that stands out." "Er, Dakin's a good-looking boy, though somehow sad." "You always think they're sad, Hector." "Every, every time." "Actually, I wouldn't have said he was sad, I would have said he was cunt-struck." "Dorothy." "I'd have thought you'd have liked that." "It's a compound adjective." " You like compound adjectives." " Yeah." " Oh." "Going walkabout." " Oh, yeah." "The truth was, in 1914, Germany doesn't want war." "Yeah, there's an arms race, but it's Britain who's leading it." "So, why does no one admit this?" "That's why." "The dead." "The body count." "We don't like to admit the war was even partly our fault cos so many of our people died." "And all the mourning's veiled the truth." "It's not "lest we forget", it's "lest we remember"." "That's what all this is about - the memorials, the Cenotaph, the two minutes' silence." "Because there is no better way of forgetting something than by commemorating it." "As for the truth, Scripps, forget it." "In an examination, truth's not an issue." "You really believe this, sir?" "Or are you just trying to make us think?" "Can't explain away the poetry, sir." " Art wins in the end." " What about this one, sir?" ""Those long, uneven lines Standing as patiently" "As if they were stretched outside The Oval or Villa Park," "The crowns of hats, the sun On mustached archaic faces" "Grinning as if it were all An August Bank Holiday lark."" ""Never such innocence, Never before or since," "As changed itself to past Without a word."" ""The men leaving the gardens tidy."" ""The thousands of marriages Lasting a little while longer."" ""Never such innocence again."" "How come you know all this by heart?" "Not that it answers the question." "So much for our "glorious dead"." "Quite." "Actually, Fiona's my Western front." "Well, last night, for instance." "I thought it might be the big push." "So, encountering only token resistance," "I reconnoitered the ground as far as the actual place." " Shit!" " No, I mean not onto it." " Certainly not into it." "Up to it." " Fuck." "And the metaphor really fits." "I mean, moving up to the front, troops presumably had to pass the sites of previous battles." "Well, so it is with me." "Like particularly her tits, which only surrendered about three weeks ago." "And which were indeed the start line of a determined thrust southwards." "What's the matter?" " No-man's-land." " Ah, fuck." "So, what do I do with this?" "Carry out a controlled explosion?" "Still, at least I'm doing better than Felix." " Felix?" " No!" "Tries to." "Chases her around the desk." "No!" "Actually, the metaphor isn't exact because what Fiona is presumably carrying out is a planned withdrawal." "You're not forcing her, she's not being overwhelmed by superior forces." " Does she like you?" " Course she likes me." "Then you're not disputing the territory, just negotiating over the pace of the occupation." "Just let us know when you get to Berlin." "I'm beginning to like him more." " Who, me?" " Irwin." "Though he hates me." "Jimmy!" "Cheer up." "At least he speaks to you." "Most guys wouldn't even speak to you." " Love can be very irritating." " How do you know?" "That's what I always think about God." "He must get so pissed off, everyone adoring him all the time." "Yes." "Only you don't catch God poncing about in his underpants." "Well done, Posner." "And now for some poetry of a more traditional sort." "Oh, God!" "Er, Timms, w-w-what is this?" "Sir, I don't always understand poetry." "You don't always understand it?" "Timms, I never understand it." "But learn it now, know it now, and you will understand it, whenever." "I don't see how we can understand it." "Most of what poetry's about hasn't happened to us yet." "But it will, Timms, it will." "And when it does, you'll have the antidote ready." "Grief, happiness, even when you're dying." "We're making your deathbeds here, boys." "Er, we've got an ending, sir." "Oh!" "Goody!" "Yes, well..." "Be sharp." "Where's the kitty?" "And we have to smoke, sir." "And I happen to have some, sir." "Very well." "Jerry, please help me." "Shall we just have a cigarette on it?" "Yes!" "May I sometimes come here?" "Whenever you like." "It's your home too." "There are people here who love you." "And will you be happy, Charlotte?" "Oh, Jerry!" "Don't let's ask for the moon." "We have the stars!" "Lovely." "Hm!" "Could it be Paul Henreid and Bette Davis in Now, Voyager?" "." "It is famous, you ignorant little tarts." " But we never heard of it, sir." " Oh!" "Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass"." ""The untold want, by life and land ne'er granted," "Now, Voyager, sail thou forth, to seek and find."" "50p, please." "Ah, Rudge." "There's nothing on the Carry On films." " Why?" "Should there be?" " The exam." "Mr. Irwin said the Carry Ons would be good films to talk about." "How peculiar." "Does he like them, do you think?" "Probably not." "You never know with him." "I'm now wondering if there's something there that I've missed." "Well, Mr. Irwin says that, "Whilst they have no intrinsic artistic merit..."" "Ahem!" ""...they achieve some of the permanence of art simply by persisting and acquire incremental significance if only as social history."" "Dear me." "What fun you must all have." "Well, it's not like your stuff, Miss." "It's cutting edge, it really is." " Where do you live, sir?" " Horsforth." "Not far from Mr. Hector, sir." "He might even give you a lift." "It's not a loft, is it, sir?" "Do you exist on an unhealthy diet of takeaways or do you whisk up gourmet meals for one?" " Or is it a lonely pizza, sir?" " I manage!" "No questions from you, Dakin?" "What they want to know, sir, is do you have a life?" "Or are we it?" "Are we your life?" "It's pretty dismal if you are, cos these are as dreary as ever." "You get a question, you know the answer." "But then, so does everybody else." "So, say something different, say the opposite." "OK, look, er... take Stalin." "He's generally agreed to be a monster, and rightly so." "Dissent." "Find something, anything, and say it in his defense." "A question is about what you know, it's not about what you don't know." "A question about Rembrandt, for instance, might prompt an answer on Degas." " Is Degas an old master?" " "About suffering they were never wrong," "The Old Masters; how it takes place while someone's eating or opening a window."" " Have you done that with Mr. Hector?" " Done what?" "The poem." "You're quoting somebody." "Auden, isn't it?" "Was it, sir?" "Sometimes it just flows out, you know, brims over." "Does he have a program or is it just at random?" " Knowledge." " The pursuit of it for its own sake." "Breaking bread with the dead, that's what we do." " It's higher than your stuff, sir, it's nobler." " Only not useful." "Mr. Hector's not as focused." "Not focused at all." "He's blurred, sir." "We know what we're doing with you." "Half the time with him, we don't know what we're doing." "We're poor little sheep that have lost our way." " Where are we?" "Where are we, sir?" " Sit down." "You're very young, sir." "This isn't your gap year, is it, sir?" "I wish it was." "Why, sir?" "Do you not like teaching us?" "We're not just a hiccup between the end of university and the beginning of life, like Auden, are we, sir?" " Do you like Auden's poetry, sir?" " Some, yeah." "Mr. Hector does." "We know about Auden." "Oh, yes, we do." " He was a schoolmaster for a bit." " I believe he was." "Yeah, he was." "Do you think he was more like you or more like Mr. Hector?" "I have no idea." "Why should he be like either of us?" "Oh, I think he was more like Mr. Hector." "Bit of a shambles." "He snogged his pupils." "Auden, sir, not Mr. Hector." "So, you could answer a question on Auden, then?" "No, sir!" "Mr. Hector's stuff's not meant for the exam!" "It's to make us more rounded human beings." "Listen!" "This examination's gonna be about everything and anything you know and are, and if there's a question on Auden or whoever and you know about it, answer it." "That would be a betrayal of trust." "Yeah!" "Is nothing sacred, sir?" "We're shocked." "I would, sir, and they would." "They're taking the piss." ""England, you've been here too long," "And the songs you sing are the songs you sung" "On a braver day, now they are wrong."" " Who's that?" " Oh!" "Mr. Irwin!" "Sir!" "It's Stevie Smith of "Not Waving But Drowning" fame." "Don't tell me that's useless knowledge." "If you get an essay on post-imperial decline, you're losing an empire, finding a role, all that kind of stuff." "A gobbet like that, it's the perfect way to end it." "A what, sir?" "A gobbet." "A quotation." "How much more have you up your sleeves?" "We've got all sorts." "Hey!" "The train, the train!" "I really meant to do it." "I stood there trembling right on the edge." "But I couldn't." "I wasn't brave enough." "I should like to able to say the thought of you and the children prevented me." "But it wasn't." "I had no thoughts at all." "Only an overwhelming desire not to feel anything at all ever again." "Not to be unhappy any more." "I went back into the refreshment room." "That's when I nearly fainted." " What is all this?" " Shh!" " Laura." " Yes, dear?" "Whatever your dream was, it wasn't a very happy one, was it?" "No." "Is there anything I can do to help?" "Fred, you always help." "You've been a long way away." "Thank you for coming back to me." "God knows why you've learned Brief Encounter." "I think you ought to know this lesson's been a complete waste of time." "A bit like Mr. Hector's lessons then, sir." "They're a complete waste of time too." "Smart arse." "But he's not trying to get you through an exam." "Ooooh!" " French Kiss?" " I beg your pardon?" "Newmarket, three o'clock." " Dorothy." " Thank you, Stanley." "So, how are you finding them?" "You've taught them too well." "They can't see it's a game." " History?" "Is it a game?" " For an exam like this, yeah." " Dorothy." " Ah, fuck." " Dorothy." " Headmaster." " I call him the awful warning." " Who?" "Felix?" "If you don't watch out, he's what you turn into." "If this was a 1940s film, he'd be played by Raymond Huntley." "Who?" "He made a speciality of sour-faced judges and vinegary schoolmasters." " Who would I be played by?" " Dirk Bogarde." "I'm not sure I like that." " Dorothy." " Watch out." "Ah, Hector!" "The very man." " Chin up, Rudge." " Hello!" "Mrs. Lintott." "Our lord and master having grudgingly conceded that art may have its uses," "I gather I'm supposed to give your Oxbridge boys a smattering of art history." "Not my bag, Hazel." "Irwin's your man." " It's really just the icing on the cake." " Is art ever anything else?" "Michelangelo." "Well..." "I suppose." "Who've you got?" " Both nancies." " Are they?" "These aren't women." "They're just men with tits." "And the tits look put on with an ice-cream scoop." " Do you like Turner, then?" " He's all right." "Well, choose someone you do like." "Art's meant to be enjoyed." "In the long term, maybe, but with us, enjoyment don't come into it." "We haven't time to read the books." "We haven't time to look at the pictures." "We really need lessons in acting." "That's what this whole scholarship thing is: an acting job." "So, have the boys given you a nickname?" " Not that I'm aware of." " A nickname is an achievement." "Both in the sense of something won and also in its armorial sense." "Of a badge, a blazon." "Unsurprisingly, I am Tott." "Or Tottie." "Some irony there, one feels." " Hector has no nickname." " Yes, he has." "Hector." " But he's called Hector." " That's his nickname too." "He isn't called Hector." "His name's Douglas." "Though the only person I've ever heard address him as such is his somewhat unexpected wife." "Posner came to see me yesterday." "He has a problem." "No nickname, but at least you get their problems." "I seldom do." "Sir, I think I may be homosexual." " I love Dakin." " Does Dakin know?" "Yes." "He doesn't think it's surprising." "Though Dakin likes girls, basically." "I sympathized, though not so much as to suggest I might be in the same boat." " With Dakin?" " With anybody." "That's sensible." "One of the hardest things for boys to learn is that a teacher is human." "One of the hardest things for a teacher to learn is not to try and tell them." " Is it a phase, sir?" " Do you think it's a phase?" "Some of the literature says it will pass." "I'm not sure I want it to pass." "But I want to get into Oxford." "If I do, Dakin might love me." "Or I might stop caring." " Do you look at your life, sir?" " I thought everybody did." "I'm a Jew, I'm small," "I'm homosexual, and I live in Sheffield." "I'm fucked." "So, all this religion." "What do you do?" "Go to church." "Pray." "Yes?" "It's so time-consuming." "You have no idea." "Yeah?" "What else?" "Well." "Er... it's what you don't do." "You don't not wank?" " Jesus!" "You're headed for the bin." " It's not forever." "Yeah, well, just tell me on the big day and I'll stand well back." "What bothers me is the more you read, the more you see literature is actually about losers." " Ugh, no." " Yeah." "It's consolation." "All literature is consolation." "I don't care what Hector says." "I find literature really louring." "This is Irwin, isn't it?" "A line of stuff for the exam." "No." "Well, it isn't wholly my idea." "I've been reading this book by Nieshaw." " Who?" " Nieshaw." "He's a philosopher." "Frederick Nieshaw." "I think that's pronounced Nietzsche." "Oh, shit." "Shit!" " What's the matter?" " I talked to Irwin about it." "He didn't correct me." "He let me call him Nieeee-shaw!" " He'll think I'm a right fool." "Shit!" " What have I done?" "Nothing." "You've done nothing." "The world doesn't revolve around you, you know." "Ah!" "Irwin!" "How are our young men doing?" " Are they on stream?" " I think so." "You think so?" "Are they or aren't they?" "Must always be something of a lottery." "A lottery?" "I don't like the sound of that, Irwin." "I don't want you to fuck up." "We've been down that road too many times before." "Oi!" "He's coming." "They took the lead off the roofs, they used the timbers to melt it down, and time did the rest, and all thanks to Henry VIII." "If you want to learn about Stalin, study Henry VIII." "If you want to learn about Mrs. Thatcher, study Henry VIII." "While you and Dorothy are taking them through the history, I'll pitch camp." "Though, Irwin, I am constantly available for the provision of useful quotations - sorry, gobbets - on request." ""Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang."" "Remember, boys, festoon your answers with gobbets and you won't go very far wrong." "Actually, singing was the least of it." "The monks were farmers, clothiers, tanners, tailors..." " This was a toilet?" " One of them." " A bit draughty on the bum." " That was the drain down there." "And then they drank out of it?" "Fucking Christians." "What about the Ganges?" "You're just as bad." " I'm Muslim, knob." " You all look alike to me anyway." " So, what was this, then?" "Chapel?" " No, it was a storeroom." "A barn." "All the produce would come in here." " You know it all, don't ya?" " It interests me." "No, that's good." "That's good." " All-male community, was it, sir?" " Of course." "They were monks." " Bit of that, you think?" " What?" " Same-sex stuff." " You blushed, sir." " Have I fuck blushed." " Sir, this is consecrated ground!" "Not to me, sir." "To me it's a pagan temple." "Only you did blush a bit, sir." "So, is that why Henry VIII put the boot in, then, sir - because of them bunking up?" "It's what he said." "Not much else for them to do, was there?" " I mean, in the time off." " Pray?" "Posner would make a good monk, except he's Jewish." " Do Jews have monks?" " Yes." "I'm one now." "In your own time, sir." "Pass the parcel." "That's sometimes all you can do." "Take it, feel it, and pass it on."