"Hi, if you were thinking" ""Wow, I'd like to see more whimsical stand-up from a large Irish bald man"" "then you're in luck" "What follows is a set that I recorded as part of" "Jack Dee live at the Apollo on the 6th of July 2005" "When broadcast, it received twenty seven complaints in Ofcom" "I know this, because I met a guy from Ofcom at a party in Belfast" "This is fifty thousand less complaints than Jerry Springer the Opera, by the way" "It's really on the DVD cause it contains two of my all time favourite routines the doctors on safari routine and the by now legendary" "Catholic and Protestant mixed marriage routine" "Enjoy" "Good evening, good evening, hello Hammersmith Appolo how are you, good to see you" "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dara O' Briain" "It is a delight and a pleasure to be here among you always a thrill to be in London always a thrill even to be in England I'd have to say which the Irish, you know with the whole tension over the years and all that, you know" "which is predominantly your fecking' fault, but nonetheless" "Even in the midst of that, I have to say, I've been living here for a while you're good people, ladies and gentlemen you're fantastic human beings and may I say, from the heart" "English women are sluts" "I don't mean that as a bad thing, alright?" "That's not an insult, right?" "I grew up with Irish girls who are the greatest girls in the world but Jesus, the level of negotiation with an Irish girl." "Do y' like that, does that feel good" "Oh!" "I imagine how good it would feel if you took off the feckin' jeans." "Now" "the only time I've ever felt any tension on the whole English-Irish thing was once, right, in York, right?" "I was at York Model Railway Museum which is in a little building outside the train station" " if you've got thirty minutes to kill in York sometime, go in, have a look, little homey (?" ") trains going round on track it's all very sweet, and twee, and lovely, right?" "And I went into the place and I gave your man me money and I was about to go into the museum and I turned to him and said" ""D' you mind if I leave me bag behind the counter?"" "And your man looked at me, and said" ""I don't think so"" ""not with what your boys have been up to, for the last thirty years", right?" "And you're going, A) they're not my boys, right?" "And B) even at their most craven" "I don't think the IRA ever said" ""D' you know what will really break the spirit of the English?"" ""If we blow up York Model Railway Station"" ""Oh!" "They'll be out of Northern Ireland by the end of the week if we do that!"" "And I express this to your man relatively forcefully and your man just kinda goes" ""Well, since 9/11, we have to be extra careful"" "You're York Model Railway Station!" "I don't think Al Qaeda are hatching any evil plans at the moment to break into the building at night and fly tiny airplanes" "into all of the exhibits." "It is a joy to see you" " I'm enjoying to see you all here and of all ages what age are you guys?" "Eighteen." "Eighteen." "Look at you you Cherub-faced feckers." "How many people here will be eighteen, nineteen, twenty that kind of age" "How many of you are here?" "And how many of you will be thirty or older?" "Sorry lads, watch me work the numbers here, right?" "The young people just get in your tit." "sashaying around, going "I'm young, I'm young"" ""I'm fit, I'm healthy, I'm beautiful, I'm young, I'm gorgeous, I'm fantastic, look at me I'm so young."" "Right?" "Get on my nerves, ladies and gentlemen." "There's more of us, for Christ's sake!" "But this culture's obsessed with young people" "It's about the eighteen year olds what films they love it's about their television programmes their songs on the radio it's always the young people, young people, young people, young people." "We have got to stop, everywhere we are being pushed off to the margins of culture into little glassed off areas, in HMV and Virgin clutching our jazz and classical, going" ""I'm not going out there" " I'm not going out there!"" ""Look at them, they're all wearing hoodies I can't even see their faces for Jesus' sake!"" "We have got to steal back the center ground ladies and gentlemen it's time for a new slogan for anyone, twentyfive or older." "A new motto." ""Young people." "They're good to look at."" ""And they're fun to fuck"" ""but there's nothing going on upstairs."" "The next time an eighteen year old comes bouncing up to you going" ""Look at me, I'm fit, I'm gorgeous, I got a body like a matress"" ""You could bounce coins off me, I'm so fit."" "You just go" ""Yeah, I'm not so fit."" ""But I've been working for a while"" ""I've got cash."" ""Here's a tenner, dance for me you prick."" ""Come on, now!"" "But, the glory of it is" " I mean, lads what stage of the educational system are you at?" "College" "You're in college at the moment, are you lads?" "It's a beautiful big adventure for you what are you studying, mister Blackthorn what are you studying?" "Technical theatre" "Technical theatre?" "It's glorious - are you enjoying the light tonight, are ya?" "with all the sounds and everything it's amazing" "You must be thrilled with the amount of bulbs they have in the place here at the moment" "Are you technical theatre as well, are ya?" "Yeah, oh, it's a big technical theatre posse out tonight, it's glorious" "It's gonna be wild tonight, with the technical theatre" "Jesus, you're gonna mike up this town like it's never been miked up before, ah?" "There is gonna be set dressing tonight, ladies and gentlemen there's gonna be props like you cannot believe, right there" "Well, that'll be a bad thing to say to a woman in the first night" ""I love the props!"" "They don't like to hear that, right" "The one thing I always say about it - cause the thing you haven't got to, right is the hideous punchline to the education system which the rest of us have all gotten to where these fresh faced bunnies arrive into the workplace and go" ""I, have a first class honors degree in engineering."" "And the rest of the office goes "good for you"" ""Make some fuckin' coffee, alright?"" "Because, life occasionally offers you a moment you go" ""Jeez, I wouldn't have done that" like for example" "I do a lot of holidays involve looking at animals, right?" "Recently, I went on a safari has anyone here done the safari?" "You have, you have oh Jayne Middlemiss, of course you have, right?" "The, eh, and - was it glorious, Jayne?" "Did you see loads of animals?" "Was it a fantastic experience, was it wonderful was it beautiful, was it great?" "It was great, was it?" "Loads of them, big, small the whole lot, everything, everything!" "Great." "Don't pad out your part, Jayne not your show." "Right, eh?" "You saw loads of stuff, did'ya?" "Yeah, I saw nothing!" "?" "Nothing, I saw." "There wasn't a feckin' animal to be seen" "The Rift valley was empty, for the fir " "Oh, they hype it up, "Africa, cradle of life"" "And you're thinking "oh, I can't wait to get there"" ""Oh, oh, there'll be animals falling out of the trees"" "Which is bad news if it's an elephant, let me tell ya, right?" "There was nothing to be seen not an animal there" "Oh!" "Jeeps!" "Jeeps like you wouldn't believe" "Hundreds of jeeps, giant herd of jeep" "There's nothing like a jeep in the wild, the sunlight dancing off a jeep at dawn it's a glorious sight" "But not a feckin' animal there, all scared off by the jeep but nonetheless, right?" "Occasionally the boring ones, the gazelles, and the zebras the ones you see on day one and you go "Oh my God, a zebra"" "Click-click-click-click-click" "Or if you've got a digital camera, hold, click, hold, click" "And the gazelle is going "Eh, was that the flash?" "Was that the flash?"" ""What was that?" "That was the red-eye?"" ""Oh, do it again, there's a line over there I've got to get outta here, right?"" ""You know, you're not even gonna print it out, anyway"" ""I don't know why you bother take it"" "Nothing to be seen, after about three days of gazelles and zebras you're going up to the driver going" ""Joshua, here's ten dollars, any chance you could nudge one of the zebras"" ""clip it with the side of the jeep, right?"" ""You get close, I'll open the door on it head might make it whoozy a bit"" ""might lure one of the lions out of the longer grass", but..." "You're not allowed to interact, apparently" "Could we just go and crop it on the heel?" "No, no, you're not!" "No don't do that." "Upsetting the balance of nature." "The trip wasn't without event, right?" "just to check, here, right, by the way sorry, this may seem as if it comes from nowhere is there a doctor in the room?" "(Woman in the back) Yeah!" "At the back there, how are you, good to have you here like, what kind of doctor are ya?" "I'm a surgeon" "You're a surgeon, any particular speciality" "Liver and pancreas" "Look at you, you're a great catch, aren't ya?" "You'd be regarded as a saint where I come from" ""She does the liver!" "She does the liver, ?" ", get her fast"" "Good to have you, doctor, actually, you know what I mean" "You don't have to stand up, by the way you can sit for this bit" "There isn't actually a medical emergency that I had to find you for" "They didn't say "Jesus Dara, there's a woman collapsed"" ""could you find a doctor"" "and I said "Fine, but I'm gonna do a bit of banter with the crowd first"" ""I might warm them up for a while" d' you know what I mean?" "I'm not giving up this opportunity" "Doctor, I wanna check a fact with you in a second but you're okay with that, are ya?" "Fabulous, good to have you here, right." "We're on this trip, and during the trip" "There'a woman had, what is known as transient ischemic attack." "Doctor" "What is that more commonly known as?" "Eleven years of training, ladies and gentlemen" "Doctor, transient ischemic attack?" "A mini-stroke" "A mini-stroke is exactly what it's known as, thank you very much doctor, you're absolutely right." "A mini-stroke" "A hideous term used by the medical trade" "A fairly serious thing to happen, which you called a mini-stroke" "You could call it a reversible stroke, a short-term stroke" "A second level stroke" "No." "You call it a mini-stroke." "The woman collapses and you go" ""Aw, did you have a little stroke?"" ""Did you have a little stroke?" "Who's the little stroke?" "Who's the little stroke?"" "Shame on you, doctor." "Yes, a transient ischemic attack is more commonly known as a mini-stroke" "Now, I know that because my girlfriend is a doctor because I'm not stupid, I'm not doing this shit for the rest of my life" "Which is actually her second least favourite joke that I do, hah" "The little walking pension plan" "Okay, ah... and that's not her least favourite, Jesus, wait till we get to that one!" "But anyway, so she had to go and deal with it" "You know when you're in love with somebody" "You rarely see them at work" "You rarely see them doing the thing they do and you can't." "It's extremely attractive." "Go, follow your partner some day to work if they're having an affair, it'll be a hideous conclusion, but eh..." "But just watch them doing the thing It's really cool 'cause you can't do it, they can, "you know, you're fantastic, you're glorious"" "particularly when they're saving a life, Jesus, it's glorious" "You're there going "ah, you're beautiful, I love you and you're making me look good right now"" ""Yeah, she's mine!" "She's my girlfriend, look at her she's glorious, yeah?" "She's saving her life, trophy bird!"" "I had to be peeled off the doctor the day of the mini-stroke" "Seriously, she was underneath me going" ""That's very flattering, but could I deal with the situation first?"" "And I was behind her going "No!" "She'll be unconscious for a while, yes!"" "She's actually in the room tonight sorry about that" "But there is nothing more attractive than seeing the person" " I mean" "The doctor here, have you a partner there with you have you a boyfriend or a husband with you?" "Yeah, he's a teacher" "He's a teacher, so he's not in the medical trade" "My teacher friend, is it sexy, have you seen her ever deal with an emergency, have ya?" "Not yet" "Not yet, he said, loudly" "Get her to run over one of these feckers on the way home tonight" "Do it!" "It's extremely attractive" "But the one bad thing is, you're very clannish people, the doctors" "They have a tendency to hang around together in little groups, right" "My teacher friend, d' you have to go to loads of social events where it's just you and doctor-doctor doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor" "Does that happen to you my friend, does it?" "I hate it!" "Yeah, I know, it's a nightmare!" "I hate it, he says." "I am articulating your pain, my friend" "He hates it, ladies and gentlemen, cause there's times I've been at the dinner parties and there's doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor-doctor and I'm the only feckin' muggles in the room, right?" "And I've - they don't know half as much as you give them credit for" "My friend, if you're ever at another dinner party and it's all doctors, feck with their heads" "It's remarkably easy to do" "I you're ever out with a load of doctors and they're going" ""Well, today, I performed a fagendogedectomy"" "you just go" ""Yeah, but what are hiccups, exactly?"" ""The-the-there's many competing theories at the moment, ah..."" "then you go" ""Why, if you stay in bed longer, do you feel more tired?"" ""It's not my speciality, that particular field, err, I..."" ""Does time heal all wounds?"" ""Who the fuck invited you to this dinner party, anyway?"" ""What are the oil of Olay's seven signs of aging?"" "Noone, noone actually knows what the oil of Olay's seven signs of aging are, right?" "Apparently they start with little lines around the eyes and finish, with a woman sitting on a stairs with a bottle of gin, going" ""I gave him the best years of my life!"" "And it takes a feckin' hell of a cream to get rid of that, let me tell you." "Doctor, one final question doctor at the back there my surgeon friend, liver and pancreas answer me this" "What are hiccups, exactly?" "Diaphragmatic irritations" "A diaphragmatic irritation good woman, yourself!" "Very good!" "Let the punters at home know she said diaphragmatic irritations which is right, I also would have accepted any arrythmic irritation of the phrenic nerve." "Please, please" "I'm not a doctor" "I'm just riding one." "Yeah, that'll be the one she likes least." "Okay!" "But the most recent of the trips to the animals was in Australia actually which is a glorious country, fabulous place don't be fooled, I went in January of last year thinking "fantastic, it's January it's the middle of winter"" "it'll be glorious, it'll be cold" I brought a coat a hat, a scarf, a mink stole a big ?" "they're devious bastards in Australia they have their summer during the winter, right?" "We arrive out there in the middle of January it was forty degrees Celsius in Australia in the middle of January, right?" "Ridiculously " "I can't do that, I'm Irish it's been scientifically proven the melting temperature of an Irish man is thirty two degrees Celsius" "Anything above that our limbs get long and floppy and don't work at all, right?" "We sat in an air-conditioned apartment looking out at forty degrees, going" ""What the feck is that out there?", right?" ""That's not human how wrong is that"" ""How long was that flight?" "Are we on Mercury at this stage, are we?"" "And it got out at nine o'clock in the evening, we thought" ""Please God, let it have cooled down"" "And the weather forecaster came out and said" ""Another glorious day in Adelaide today and a beautiful evening ahead of us"" ""the minimum overnight temperature tonight will be twenty seven degrees Celsius"" "And we all are going" ""What?" "!"" ""It's nighttime!"" ""The sun is on the other side of the planet at this stage!"" ""Unless there's a mirror attached to the moon"" ""which is bouncing the rays back down again"" ""It has to get cold, it's nighttime"" ""That's what feckin' nighttime does, right?"" "If that ever happened in Ireland if the weather forecaster ever came out and said" ""The minimum overnight temperature tonight in Ireland"" ""will be twenty seven degrees Celsius"" "we'd all be waking up our kids going" ""Come on, get out of bed"" ""we 're going to the beach, come on!"" "Then they'd be sitting there going" ""What?" "It's the middle of the night!"" "and we'd go "It's twenty seven degrees you might never see it in Ireland again"" ""Get into the car"" "And then about two hours later we'd be sitting in the dark just going" ""Where did you bury your brother?"" ""Is he wearing a watch?" "He better be wearing a watch"" ""Mary, get the metal detector"" ""he's done it again"" ""I don't care if you've got school in the morning"" ""you can use cocaine, like the rest of us, right?"" "and over there, of course I mean, over there they know their wildlife over there in Australia unbelievable - they have koala bears over there there's so many of them they've actually trained to work in the cities" "And could you guess (?" "), right what job d' you think koala bears do in Sydney at the moment what job are they trained to do?" "Give me a guess" "To be bears!" "What's that?" "To be bears" "They're kinda - doesn't take much training, Tracey, to be honest" "Given it's already a bear, it really - unless you want it to be a different kind" ""You're no koala, you're a grizzly get out there, go on, get out there!"" "Give me another guess, what do they train them to do, koala bears?" "Cuddle." "Cuddle is glorious." "What a beautiful idea" "They train them to work as professional cuddlers" "That's a fabulous idea all over Sydney, there'll just be podiums sitting there with a koala on it and you can walk up and go" ""I'm a bit down at the moment"" "and the koala would go" ""Come here." "Come here!"" ""Is that alright, are ya feeling better now?" "Thanks very much"" "Can I get one more suggestion Give me one more suggestion" "As phone sex operators" "They train the koalas to work as phone sex" "Know what?" "Just as operators" "Not actually to do the thing but to go" ""I'll put you through now, eh..."" ""Well, you sound like you need- you need a bit o' lovin', do ya?"" ""Well, there's a very strict woman on line four, I'll give that to her, right?"" "'Cause koalas are very good at that kind of notion like that." "Or is it actually to talk to the customers" ""Ooh, d' you wanna see what I'm wearing?"" ""I'm all furry and exciting"" ""I'm the furriest little koala you've ever seen"" ""I'm slipping out of the fur at the moment, look at that!"" ""D' you like that?" That's kind of sick, that's weird." "What they actually trained them for, the job they actually trained koala bears to do, in Sydney, is to work as bicycle locks." "You take the koala, you put him on the frame of the bicycle his little hands reach around through the spokes of the wheel and then he just holds on to the bicycle like that." "The finest answer I ever received there was in a university in Dublin and I said" ""What job do they train them to do?"" "and a student there went" ""Is it guides for the blind?"" "And I said" ""Well, surely they'd use dogs for that"" "and she said" ""Not for walking"" ""For climbing"" "It's a glorious notion" "The dog would walk the blind person to the foot of the tree" "at which point, control would be handed over to the koala bear who would then walk the blind person up past difficult clumps of branches and whatnot till they got to the top where presumably it would then describe the view to the blind person" "and the reason by the way I'm talking about that whole trip is because" "I had one of those moments where you go" ""I'm not doing that anymore"" "One of those "I'm getting too old for this" kind of moments on this trip in Australia 'cause there's travellers having a look at koalas and kangaroos and there's me and a load of nineteen-year-olds and they're all travelling with backpacks" "and there is a moment in your life lads, you're probably still in the middle of it all the younger lads here, still doing it go for the rucksacks for a while then later on, you stop you never go back" "'cause they're all standing in full rucksack stance you know what I mean, like whatever with all of the weight up on the shoulders pushing down on the hips, going" ""Jesus, I love backpacking isn't it a brilliant way to travel?"" ""D' you like backpacking?"" ""Oh, I feckin' love backpacking it's fantastic"" ""I'm seeing Australia for thirty dollars a day at the moment"" ""oh, sure!" "Doing some form of long term damage to my lower lumbar region"" ""but it's so good!" "D' you like backpacking?"" ""Oh, I feckin' love backpacking it's fantastic, it's glorious"" ""I'm sleeping in a hostel room with nine Norwegians who I neither know, not trust"" ""but you know?"" ""having to sleep every night with me traveller's cheques up me anus"" ""is a small price to pay for the freedom and exhilaration"" ""D' you like backpacking?"" ""Oh, I feckin' love backpacking it's fantastic"" "A whole line of them and I'm at the very end with my luggage going" ""Look!" "It's on wheels you feckin' idjits, look at that!"" ""You like that, do ya?" "It's great, isn't it?" "It's a fantastic little adventure"" ""Can you do this?" "Can ya, can ya, can ya, can - nooo, you can't you're all down." "As you get older, you just ditch certain things as you get older and it's a pleasure to do, right?" "I mean, for example, right?" "Religion, is a very good " "I wouldn't be a very spiritual man, right?" "I don't believe in god, right?" "Still Catholic" "'Cause there's nothing you can do when you're Catholic" "Once you've started Catholic frankly, there's no real way to stop being Catholic even not believing in god, isn't regarded as sufficient reason to get out of the Catholic church" "You'd think it'd be failry fundamental to the whole thing, but no!" "Catholicism, the stickiest, most adhesive religion in the world" "There's no website you can de-register online" "You can't cut up your membership card in front of a priest and go" ""Feck ya, I'm outta here" and walk away" "You could join the Taliban" "You'd merely be regarded as a bad Catholic" "I'm presuming a large chunk of you probably were raised Protestant" "Gimme a cheer if you had any Protestant upbringing at all" "A fair few of you, right?" "Now, when you do he wafer thing, right?" "and take the ?" "or whatever, right?" "it represents the body of Christ it's a metaphor, it's a symbol of the body of Christ" "Oooh, not when you're Catholic" "When you're Catholic it IS the body of Christ" "It was actually believed that it turns into the flesh of Christ in your mouth nobody fully explained this to me as a child" "I would have spotted the flaw relatively quickly in that" "I would have gone" ""Hang on, I might be eight"" ""but I've eaten enough burgers, chicken McNuggets, right"" ""fish fingers and rashers to know"" ""there is no animal flesh in the world"" ""that jams itself to the roof of your mouth"" ""and hoovers all of the moisture out of your body"" ""until you're looking at your mother going"" "(muffled) "can I take it down with my finger?"" "(muffled) "It's stuck in the roof of my mouth"" "And she's going" ""Do not take it down with your finger!" "It's the body of Christ!" "Leave it where it is!"" ""You're making a show of me in the church"" "(muffled) "But it's desecrated me from the inside out"" "'Desecrated', by the way" "It's just ridiculous, the whole thing and I was recently at this wedding between a girl from Cork, who was Catholic and a guy from Edinburg, who's Protestant" "A mixed marriage" "Yes, panto-crowd" "It'll never work I know exactly what you're thinking you can't have a mixed marriage the kids will be freaks!" "The DNA of Catholic and Protestant aren't supposed to be meshed like that" "You'll get some sterile mule-child of some description" ""Mule-child!" "Take the bags to the room!"" ""What's wrong with the child?" "Don't talk to the mule-child!"" ""He is born of Catholic and Protestant - he is WRONG!" "He's an abomination"" "It was a bizzare - 'cause we've been ?" "this thing in Ireland for years about the mixed marriage" "Basically, if you've ever been to a wedding you know there's the bride there all of the bride's people down one side of the church every one of them Catholic" "Groom there, all of his people down all of them Protestant, right?" "Catholic on one side Protestant on the other" "At no stage during the service did one side look across and go" ""What?" "You do that?" "How mad!" "How freaky!" "How wrong!"" ""You're going to hell!" "You're going to hell, for god's sake!", right?" "It was the same words, in the same order for both sides of the church" "That's not a feckin' mixed marriage!" "There's nothing mixed about it at all, right?" "A mixed marriage is one side of the church going" ""Mazel tov!"" "And on the other side men are firing guns in the air" "That's a feckin' mixed marriage!" "Right?" "If you're ever at a wedding and one side of the church has a big dragon that they're running up and down in the middle of the service and on the other side men with spears are hopping up and down" "That's a feckin' mixed marriage ladies and gentlemen!" "And I'm saying there's no difference - there are some differences" "The Protestants, you love the hymns" "You love the hymns you can't get enough of the damn hymns verse after verse after verse of the feckin' hymns, right?" "Catholics - we do one verse up we get, there you go down you go, end of story, right?" "You, Jesus, on and on and on the things go!" "And we were singing just as much - the Catholic were singing just as much as the Protestants were but Jesus, we hadn't trained" "After about four or five verses everyone on the Catholic side just swaying forward and backward" ""How long is this, Jesus!"" ""How many verses can they do?"" "Weaker members of the Catholic side were being taken out and oxygen being given" ""Auntie Mary's gone?" "She gone, blergh"" ""Bring 'er out, give 'er air for Jesus' sake"" ""we're keeping going till the end of this"" ""Would Emmanuel ever get to Israel"" ""and stop dragging out the journey, for Jesus"" "On and on it went and then we got to the ?" "the number one - the main audience participation part of the wedding which is a thing called the Lord's prayer, right?" "Now, for those of you not raised in the christian faith or those of you who've happily forgotten it the Lord's prayer was a prayer written by Christ himself whose major themes are bread" "and tresspassing" "You're all running it through your heads, aren't ya?" "Na-na-na-na tresspassing" "Na-na-na-na tresspassing again, yeah" "There are two separate mentions of tresspassing in the Lord's prayer and you do go" ""Well, was there a lot of tresspassing going on at the time?"" "Were people in Galilea and Nazareth constantly vaulting over fences and hopping over walls and taking shortcuts through other people's properties?" "Was Christ himself sitting there going" ""Je- if those feckin' kids don't get out of my garden", right?" ""That's it!" "I'm going to put it in the prayer"" ""it's going in the feckin' prayer"" ""no more tresspassing"" ""that's it - that's the end of it that's the end"" ""I'm sick of there being tresspassing around here"" "Right, then, just gonna check just a piece of trivia for ya does anyone know the difference between the Catholic Lord's prayer and the Protestant Lord's prayer" "The end" "The end you're absolutely right miss the end" "The end it's longer in the Protestant version, right?" "Somewhere, when we handed all the documents over to you around the time of Martin Luther you took this one and thought" ""All very well, but feck it we'll stick a gazebo at the back of it", right?" ""We might knock through here and make it a bit longer"" ""and a bit more exciting, right?"" ""It'll increase the resale value years down the line, right?"" "And it's longer in the Protestant faith" "You knew that, many of you possibly didn't know that" "I didn't know that and neither did any Catholic at this wedding, right?" "Both sides stood up at the same moment, right?" "and belted out the words" ""Blah-blah-blah-blah bread"" ""Blah-blah-blah-blah tresspassing"" ""Blah-blah-blah-blah yes more about tresspassing"" ""we're getting the point, alright"" ""we'll leave off the tresspassing we won't do anymore"" "and then the Catholics went "Amen"" "and sat down really slowly in a very sanctimonious" ""there you go, god"" ""we're the real ones aren't we the real ones?" "Yeah!"" ""Who's the daddy?" "You're the daddy!"" ""Who's the daddy, eh?" "You're the daddy, right?"" "And their Catholic arses had no sooner touched the pew then the entire Catholic side goes" ""Hang on!"" ""The feckin' Protestants are still going!"" "And on the other side of the church the entire - as bold as brass not a hint of shame or compunction all the Protestants going" ""For thine is the kingdom"" ""and the power"" ""and the glory"" ""forever and ever"" ""Now amen!"" "And all of the Catholics went" ""You win this one you crawly little pricks!"" "Anyway" "I've - none of those life stages have really hit me yet" "I've no kids, for example, right?" "but I will say this on behalf of all men here who don't have kids to any women here who do" "Would you stop using men you don't know to discipline your children?" "It drives us up the wall" "I was in a train minding me own business four empty seats around me cross the aisle there's a woman there eight year old child, kid's lovin' it he's bouncing off the walls he's thrilled, he's excited he's giddy about the whole trip, right?" "He's thrilled with himself" "The mother goes" ""Stop it!" "Stop it now"" ""or the man will come"" ""and take the sweets away from ya"" "And I'm going" ""Wow, when did I become the bad guy in this situation?"" "And the kid - but the kid quietens down, right?" "For about five minutes and then bubbles up again and the mother goes" ""Stop it!" "Stop it now, the man's over there, the man's gonna come over"" ""When the man comes over the man is going to come over here"" ""when the man - he'll take the crayons away from ya"" ""and you won't be able to draw your little pictures, you won't be happy then, now"" ""don't bring the man over, right?"" "And the kid's looking at me going" ""I don't feckin' like you at all, you know that?"" "And I'm looking at the child, going" ""I'm on your side!" "?"" "But the kid quietens down again for a couple of minutes and then effervesces up a third time and the mother just goes" ""Stop it!" "The man is coming ov- when the man comes over"" ""oh you'll be in such trouble when the man comes over"" ""when the man comes over you're gonna be in such trouble, young man"" ""when the man comes over here", right?" "I was so pissed off at being used like this that eventually, I just went "Fine." "Feck it." "I am going over"" "I just walked over to the child and went" ""You were warned!" "Whaaaaagh!"" ""I am the man!"" ""Fear the man!"" "and then just turned to the mother and went" ""Any time you need a hand, alright?"" "You've been a joy to talk to ya" "I'm Dara O'Briain, thank you very much, goodnight, goodbye"