"Day 7 :" "All the housemates are in the kitchen" "(Screaming and fighting in the background)" "Rita, what on earth are you doing?" "I'm learning to play the recorder" "Why?" "Well, it's the school's idea, they say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child" "So each of you gets to see how the other half lives So I'm learning how to play the recorder" "What's your daughter's doing?" "Oh, she's sat at home with a bottle of gin, thinking about her failed marriage" "Rita, you're a card" "Yeah, the Joker" "Oh, it' no good, it's too difficult" "Rita, I used to play the recorder at school, let me help your learn" "Thank you Brance Okay, so..." "Yes Mr. Yamaguchi..." "No Mr. Yamaguchi..." "Can I just say, one more time, I'm velly velly solly" "I mean, very very sorry." "I'll talk to you too, I'll talk to you, good bye" "Rita, just relax..." "But it's so hard..." "Just take it in your hand and blow..." "Don't suck..." "Oh, that's good." "What the bloody hell is going on here" "Oh, sorry Mr. Stokes I don't know when I'm blowing or when I'm sucking" "She's learning to play the recorder, Mr. Stokes" "What does it record?" "Hein?" "What does it record?" "it doesn't record anything" "Why is it called a recorder for, then?" "I don't get it" "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Ah, sometimes Gobbler..." "Raymond..." "Oh my god !" "What is it?" "Raymond..." "It's only my bloody twin sister" "Hello Raymond" "What are you doing here?" "A younger gets lonely." "Maybe still but what are YOU doing here?" "Mr. Millman..." "What?" "Hello there, sorry to bother you, I saw you in here, my name is Richard, I'm the manager" "You've got to help me Why?" "Would you mind signing a few of these?" "What, now?" "They're not moving..." "Just as many as you can manage, if you sign ten, that's ten more chances of selling" "I thought the public would lap this tat up for Christmas but they're more discerning than I thought" "Even the Kramer doll are selling better than this one" "I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loooving it !" "Shut up !" "Fifty years ago they had you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass !" "Cheap and ugly, isn't it?" "I suppose that's the problem" "It is ugly" "Are you having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?" "Who to thought people would eventually find that irritating?" "The thing is, you got to order these things like a year in advance" "Still..." "I won't make the same mistake again." "No." "I'll make my money back next Christmas" "I've ordered ten thousand Sanjaya dolls" "Ah, you're laughing then, aren't you?" "What would you rather do, right?" "Never celebrate Christmas ever or have Christmas every day?" "If it's Christmas every day, what do I have to do?" "Nothing, it's Christmas, you just sit at home, watching the TV, having the day off" "What, so no one works, there no industry, no government, it's chaos" "So you've rather never celebrate Christmas?" "Yeah, if that was the choice" "So you'll be Jewish, they don't celebrate Christmas" "Why would I suddenly be Jewish?" "I don't know what you're talking about... ready?" "yes" "Look, it's Greg, in a film." "Oh, come on, we can't watch TV in the day" "No, no wait, I want to see" "No man has the right to kill his brother It is no excuse to do so in uniform" "It merely adds the infamy of servitude, to the crime of murder" "I love Clive Owen" "Ugf..." "Clive...good name for a film star" "If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business, and let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver" "Greg seems good in it" "It'll be a bit part" "I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley Jones, the two leads in the film" "He's one of the leads in a terrible film" "I thought the film was brilliant" "He thought it was brilliant Oh, I can hear?" "Greg, you play Shelly." "And I have to say, it's one of the most exciting performance I think I've ever seen" "How was it for you working with such an established star as Clive Owen?" "Let me say, he is such a down to earth guy, he's just so real" "We had a good time I had a great time" "I know a lot of people are saying that but we really really did get along well" "I can't believe you persuaded me to do these things, they're not even selling apparently cause they're embarrassing... loads are lying around in bargain bins for ages." "Cheap tat" "Well yeah but they cut the prices to try and shift a few but the good thing is that because they all so cheap to manufacture, we still get paid 40 p a time... cause they're made in sweat shops." "Oh, thanks god for the exploitation of 10 years old children" "Absolutely." "And the funny thing is of course that your key demographic as well is in the kids so even if they doing like a 14 hours a day, it's probably living a hell of a time you know, pressing "You having a laugh?"." "They're probably enjoying themselves 'cause it's nice" "I hope it doesn't distract them from their work, they would get a beating" "I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna hear this" "Don't listen to him, they wouldn't work there if they didn't like it" "I don't think they got a lot of choice, to be honest" "As Henri Matisse once said : " The right happiness in oneself from a good day of work for illuminating the fog that surrounds us"" "Oh yeah?" "What are you working on today?" "I'm trying to get this dog muck out of a shoe, it's a nightmare" "Next door is Great Dane, the stench is unbelievable" "I've seen him feeding eggs, oil boiled eggs, to a dog, it's mad" "Really, I don't care I don't want to be associated with this sort of staff" "To the general public, there is no difference between me and that doll" "What?" "Little fat ugly thing?" "Pathetic?" "No?" "No, I put on..." "I'll put on a wig and shot a catch phrase" "I want to be associated with credible stuff" "Oh, yeah, we've had offers." "Part in the BBC's jewel in the crown, Dr Who no" "Hotel Babylon?" "No, I don't want to do...camp, frothy nonsense" "I want to do something classy" "Celebrity Big Brother've been on the phone" "You're not listening?" "It's good money..." "Not in a million years" "What about films?" "What happen to films?" "We did have a call." "Have you heard about this Byron film that everyone is raving about?" "Yeah Well, they making a sequel, should be classy, should be good" "It's about what it's mean to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity" "They wanted you to go into an audition Right" "Obviously I said no" "What do you mean you said no?" "Well they were asking for someone who was either 36, handsome, dashing and I presumed they had to be taller than you." "So I thought it was safe..." "Always do the audition" "Look at you, that's insane, I might as well send Barry" "Call them back and say you have the perfect person for the part Who?" "Me !" "No, I don't want to waste their time" "Why should I have to persuade my agent to get me an audition?" "It should be the other way around" "If I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing" "Oh, no one could thinks you don't know what you're doing." "You're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry" "Well thanks, maybe you'll be surprised" "Get me the audition" "Okay, that's a ten minutes break everyone, sandwiches are over here" "Could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please" "Can you hold on?" "Are you Maggie?" "Yes" "Andy wants to see you in his dressing room" "What, now?" "Yeah" "Chop chop" "Oh, hello Mrs. Millman, is Andy in?" "It's a face pack, don't laugh at me now What is this for?" "For a film For a film, it comes for a film?" "Help me out, don't comment" "Is that a girdle?" "No, it just helps firm up the..." "Flab?" "Right, come on in, quick" "Are you serious?" "Oh my god..." "Yeah, come on" "That's not gonna work Jesus Christ, of course it is" "I don't hear you laugh, don't hear you laugh" "Now go on in, oh I'm going right on Where do your organs go?" "Do They just get closer together or am I gonna cough up a kidney in the audition?" "Andrew Millman You looking good" "Been working out, ain't it?" "I'm sorry, I must declare an interest." "Actually me and Andy are very old friends, we... we've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together" "Some of us, got a little further than others..." "Anyway, I won't be biased" "So, which role are we all here for?" "Henri Milligan" "Hang on Copy, Henri Milligan says here age 36..." "Yeah, I took that as meaning he's in his late thirties" "We'll change it to late thirties" "Hang on, Henri Milligan says here late thirties..." "Should we do one?" "Yeah" "Do you want to stand up?" "Yes, easy" "Ah, Henri Milligan, allow me to introduce myself" "Your reputation precedes you sir, and it's one...the..." "Sorry, sorry, can we stop proceeding." "Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff" "Can we just rewind that and see what happened?" "I don't know if everyone else saw that?" "Hey, it's his belly." "Andy, did your diaphragm just collapsed?" "Andy seems to have scuttled off..." "Allo it's me, leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you." "Did that record?" "I, it's me, do you fancy some lunch, at the Ivy, half 8." "I can tell you all about my brilliant audition" "Alright, give us a call back." "Cheers, bye" "Andy Millman" "Alright Bunny?" "What are you doing?" "waiting... waiting...for what?" "Cock !" "never too early for that, is it?" "Don't you know about this area?" "No, I just moved in" "This area is famous for it, I'm here all the time" "This is known as the waiting bench" "Oh, by the way, loving the show cheers" "You having a laugh?" "Keep walking, keep walking !" "She'll never get anything in the daylight" "Alright Bunny?" "Alright George" "any action?" "I only got 20 minutes actually, I'm on my lunch break lunch break?" "Yeah, I'm doing community service Are you still doing that?" "Oh no, not that one, I'm doing another one I'm picking up litter now" "Alright..." "What did you do wrong this time?" "Fly tipping...believe it or not" "Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge freezer and she says : "Should I call the council?"" "ans I say : "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street"" "So, at 2h30 in the morning, we're tipping it in here and the fucking police show up" "How is that you get involve then?" "Well, it was Stuart Copland's the skip and he called Sting and Sting called the fucking council cause he's a fucking do-gooder" "And I am here now, picking up litter" "Well, I'll better get going cause I'm gonna have to go back to work soon" "Come on then you, I'll give you a quickie" "I'm not that desperate Mate Cheeky bastard" "Would you do me a favor and look out for paparazzis, I'm gonna go and try over there" "I'd love to Cheers" "I've had him before, you know...in his car" "Wasn't that a bit cramped?" "and he was swerving all over the bloody road" "Look, keep an eye over these will, will you?" "That old queer cannot have got to far... hellooo" "Andy Millman..." "What?" "I don't know what this bench is for" "What did you say?" "Why are you sitting here?" "Cause we live across the road and just fancy to sit down" "Well, you've got a garden, ain't you, why not sit in your garden?" "No bench." "If you want to sit in the garden, fine, but you'll be sitting on the grass Yeah, but why you sitting on the queer bench?" "Have you seen George Michael?" "Strange question" "My editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent and all I've got is you sitting on a queer bench, so..." "I'm not involved, so don't..." "I know you're lying cos I know he's been here" "How do you know?" "A joint...and a kebab" "He's in the bushes Thank you very much" "Thank you very much, cheers" "Hi, we haven't booked I wonder if you've got a table for two" "Well, you'll have to book, I'm afraid Can you just squeeze us in?" "We won't have a starter I'm sorry, there's nothing" "Or a pudding We'll be 20 minutes, in and out" "I'm sorry" "You don't...euh...we're the management" "No, I am the manager No, on TV, we used to do these characters called "The Management"" "The stonk Oh, the Stonk." "Is that a restaurant?" "No, it's a song we did" "I'm really sorry, there's nothing available but you can book up to three months in advance" "We don't know where we're gonna be in three months Might not be alive in three months" "What would you rather do?" "Be on the Planet Of The Apes, you're human but you can't speak or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak like a human, but you're a monkey?" "Do I know I'm a monkey?" "Yeah, You know you're a monkey" "Mr. Millman, hello Sorry, we haven't booked, I'm afraid No problem, I'm sure I can squeeze you in" "Oh, thank you cheers, okay 0h, look, it's them two, what's their names again?" "Hale and Pace." "Hale." "Pace." "Like Ant and Dec?" "Without their money" "They just throw money at performers now Should have invested more wisely" "Can we not do this in public?" "I asked you before It was your idea to buy the racehorse" "It was your idea to ride it, wasn't it?" "You couldn't help us get in, could you?" "I don't think there is..." "It was nice meeting you Cheers" "Oh, look, there's...what's her name..." "Jade Jagger That's it" "What is she doing?" "Fashion...someone" "Jade Jagger..." "How do you think she got her big break?" "I wonder And what does Sadie Frost do?" "She's friend with people I didn't know that was a job It's, yeah" "Oh, oh, right, OK, don't look, don't look yet, right The woman over there, an amazing face" "OK?" "Red top, I want you to turn and look at her and I'll say her name, Ok?" "Three, two, one, Elmer Fudd" "That's the only woman I've ever seen with a comb-over" "Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, my name's Tre Cooper, I represent Greg Lindley Jones" "You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you?" "Yeah, I wasn't right for that" "No, you don't think you were right for that one but there are a lot of film people out there mentioning your name and a lot of roles I think you would be right for" "Yeah, I also heard you're not entirely happy with your show" "It's not how I wanted it to be" "Really?" "No You see, I think you should be on the top of the world" "What does it get each week?" "Seven million viewers?" "Six." "Six." "Seven million viewers watch your show every week because they respond to what you do and the reviews..." "I don't listen to the reviews No-one's down the pub talking about reviews, they're talking about your sitcom" "And you know what?" "there'll always gonna be people who don't like what you do." "0h, yeah" "So what ?" "If someone shouts "You're a wanker" you go, "Oh Yeah, look at my sports car"" "If they shout, "You're still a tosser!" say, "Really, interesting, How many catchphrases have you come up with?"" "None" "And if they're still shouting at just you, just drive away" "I would Drive to the bank, laughing" "Who's your agent?" "Darren Lamb" "I'm not being funny, but I've never heard of him and I've been in this business 15 years" "Where did he come from?" "Bristol" "No, which company did he start with?" "I don't think he ever worked for a company" "He has, he worked part time at the car phone warehouse" "Look, I don't know the guy Why would you, you're in the business?" "I don't want to disrespect him, but business is business and if there's any deadwood in your organisation, you have got to get rid of it" "It may seem harsh but life's cruel and no one's gonna help your career but you" "I'm an extra, and I love Clive Owen, can I get a part in that Byron film?" "That's alright, she's asking." "Well done" "Consider it done My card" "And seriously, if I can be of any help, call me, we'll sit down" "Sorry for interrupting your meal It's all right 0h, catch of the day, Dover sole, it is superb Have a great lunch." "Cheers" "Oh, Elmer's looking over Oh, hello, hi ya" "I recommend the wabbit, I mean the rabbit" "She doesn't know, does she?" "How the hell did you do that?" "I don't know, they get stuck, don't they?" "That is..." "That's stuck fast, if I... that's gonna break..." "Well, don't break it" "I'll put it up over your head, yeah Are you ready?" "You just pull back, right?" "Ok, go!" "Just pull, Darren What about my head, brainiac!" "How is that... just pull back I can't help you if you don't pull back." "I am pulling back" "What exactly is your plan?" "What are you actually intending to do now?" "Just you pull back" "Did you learn nothing in the fame academy, all right?" "Power is not everything, you just need to be subtle." "Don't sing everything like it's bloody Mustang Sally" "OK, Clive..." "You, over here, please" "Quickly, quick sharp, yep, yep" "OK, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute." "All right" "As he leaves in the morning, I thought he could just turn, and then throw the money on the floor with contempt and then say your line, "Thank you for your hospitality"" "Yeah, I'm not very happy with this." "I know it's a bit aggressive, but it's just a character point." "No, I mean this one been a prostitute" "I wouldn't pay for that" "Right..." "It's gotta be a better one than this" "Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs and this is the very best one" "Really?" "Yeah Jesus..." "I don't want to be difficult, it's just that I would never pay for a prostitute that looked like that" "No way Right..." "What if she wasn't a prostitute, if she was just a slut, so it was free?" "Yeah, I still could do better, though" "OK, what if she is a prostitute, but you refuse to pay?" "OK, so you don't throw money on the floor, you just...throw food and you make her eat it like a dog" "Well, I'm telling you." "If I'd slept with that I wouldn't throw food on the floor, I'd throw it in her face" "OK, what food would you throw?" "Cause I've got to get props on to that" "It should be some kind of gruel as if I've found some oats on the stable floor, mix it with shit and like, wet cabbage" "What would be great is like when it claps into her face it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat." "OK" "No, I like that, I like that..." "Can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together" "Make sure it sticks to the face..." "It will." "OK, let's try that then, please" "OK, for rehearsal then..." "Excuse me" "I'm not happy with that" "Sorry?" "I'm not happy with that." "I don't want the dung on my face" "You get extra money, don't you worry about that." "Don't care." "Not bothered, I just don't want to do it, full stop Right, OK, you either do it, or you go home" "Ok..." "Ok, right" "See you then" "Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance" "Got to get another on OK, you, over here, please" "Oh, fuck off, I'm Clive Owen That's mental !" "Frankly, the BBC are taking the proverbial Seriously, the money you're getting for the show is an insult." "I'm gonna get tough with them and we'll get this sorted for the next series" "I don't think I want to do another series." "I've been thinking of knocking this on the head..." "With the right management behind you, there's a lot of money to be made" "I don't care." "I'm not proud." "I want to do bigger and better" "I'm not proud of having Britain's no1 catchphrase Is there an Oscar for that?" "No" "No, but they are thinking of introducing a British Comedy Award for it" "Of course they are" "Look, I want to hold my head up" "To me, saying you've got Britain's no1 catchphrase is like saying you've got Britain's no1 wasting disease" "You're not Britain's no1 catchphrase any more." "I'm not?" "You're not no1 anymore" "Good." "To be totally..." "Who's number one?" "0h, it's..."Am I bowered?"" "What am I, no2 or something?" "No. no2 is, "You are the weakest link, goodbye."" "Then no3 is "You're having a laugh?"" "In at no3, it changes depending on what survey you are doing" "What survey is that?" "It's a survey of 8 to 11 year olds" "Well, if they want catchphrases I'll give 'em catchphrases" "I don't get it." "Is he having a laugh?" "I need a man !" "Join the queue" "Oh, bugger me!" "He's out and about!" "Christmas time, mistletoe and wine..." "Children singing christian rhyme, with logs on the fire, gifts 'neath the tree..." "Any messages mate?" "Yeah, a couple." "BT called What, British Telecom?" "Oh, yeah" "What were they after?" "They wanted to know if you were happy with the service" "Very happy as well as very pleased" "That's what I told them cause I thought you were happy, but they wanted to talk to you specifically" "They would do cause my name's on the bill" "Yes it is, and apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls" "Oh, really, that's very generous of them, very nice, yeah Do they want me to call back?" "No, they said they'll call back" "I don't mind calling them." "I said you'd be back about two, It's ten to now so just wait for them to call" "I'll wait until just after two, if they haven't called, give them a bell yeah" "It's an 0800 number, so...free It's free" "Anything else, any other..." "Yes, Andy new agent called" "Andy's fired you and gone with a new bloke so you're no longer to have any dealings with him whatsoever" "Sorry, I was thinking about free evening and weekend calls What were you saying?" "Andy Millman, he's fired you" "What do you mean he's fired me?" "Well, you no longer Andy Millman's agent, so..." "Why are you telling me this now?" "Why did you tell me the BT stuff first?" "Because I'm doing it in chronological order" "I was excited about the BT stuff, now I'm depressed" "I didn't know that if I'd said, number one, Andy's fired you and number two, BT has offered you a generous new tariff, the good news would have been soured by the bad news anyway I didn't know what to do for the best" "He's fired me?" "Let me ask you this..." "Where do you want to be in 5 years of time?" "Sat in a Hollywood mansion watching my butler polish my Oscar" "It's good, thinking big, nothing wrong with that" "But first things first, what I'll need you to concentrate on is..." "Excuse me" "Yeah Richard Curtis for you" "Does he wanna talk about Africa again?" "I think so" "Tell him to donate the profits from the Vicar 0f Dibley" "They'll be eating like Dawn in no time harsh..." "life's cruel" "Er, listen, tell him you can't get hold of me, tell him I'm snowboarding Okay" "Sorry about that" "Profile, you need to boost your profile" "Success is all about getting your face seen Yeah" "Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of...you're C-list...top of the C-list, but" "I'm gonna get you on top of the A-list" "I can't snap my fingers and do that overnight" "You need to win an Emmy or direct something but we can get you to the top of the B-list pretty quickly just by making sure you're seen out and about movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that..." "You're single aren't you?" "Yeah Good" "Good, so firstly what we want you to do is be seen coming out of clubs and restaurants with some newsworthy trollops" "You shagged any of those tabloid beauties?" "no" "Not even that?" "no" "Isn't everyone?" "Not me What've you been doing?" "I know she's got a cancellation next Friday so we'll set something up for then" "No, no, I'm not into that." "I don't want to do it that way" "Do you want to get on the B-list or not?" "Yes, but not the Hepatitis B list" "Right, OK, no, that's not a problem, I've got some contacts at the broadsheets right" "Paula, can you get me Emily Whitford at The Guardian, please Yep" "So what do you do?" "I was a film extra Oh, glamorous" "It's not really, I'm not doing it anymore, it's too depressing" "I'm too old to be right at the bottom of the pile being told what to do, scrabbling about in the dirt for a few quid an hour." "What do you do now?" "I'm a cleaner" "I scrabble around in the dirt for a few quid an hour" "Ok, so...here is the place here we go" "carpets..." "Spider?" "Yep, that won't be bothering you any more no" "You just gonna leave it there?" "If you want..." "No, I don't want it particularly" "Fine, that'll all be professionally cleaned." "Scraped off" "Where is the bedroom?" "No, it's all in here" "What, this is it?" "Tiny little kitchen over here and...there is a lavatory" "It's everything you need, you'll never have to leave this place" "If the worst comes to the worst if you were bedridden with a spinal injury or something, heaven forbid" "Then it's all here, should that happen" "Where do I sleep?" "Look at that..." "That's good, isn't it?" "That's like James Bond or something" "From Russia with love" "Live And Let Die" "I can't put anything underneath that, can I?" "Yeah, of course you can, coffee table or what not just move it before you go to bed" "What, every single night?" "A chimpanzee makes a nest every night in a tree or whatever and he doesn't complain no" "I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee" "Well, this is the only place in your price range really, so..." "I know, I know" "What's the area like then?" "Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you" "There's is quite a large black and asian community, there's some chinese and it does get very Araby towards the high street but there is nothing we can do about it" "No, I mean, what it is like in term of the amenities, is there a supermarket?" "Oh, yeah, yeah a supermarket..." "Yes, there is a lot of lovely different shops around here" "It's a very cosmopolitan area for food, I mean do you like chinese food?" "Yes" "Asian food?" "Good for Halal meats" "Do you like jerk chicken, just like momma used to make?" "There is one of those...euh..." "I bet you can probably see it from the window" "Yep" "There it is" "Where have you been, we said 3 o'clock" "Sorry, I've been looking out for flats, I'm gonna have to downsize" "Tell me later." "I'm about to do an interview, in a first session, the Weekend Guardian, really good publicity sort of the 'man behind the silly wig' and all that Woo" "When she gets here, you open the door for me 0h, no, why me?" "Say you're my P.A." "Oh, no Yeah, give the illusion of life of success and everything, right?" "Then when we're in there, come in and go "Oh, Andy, sorry, Ridley Scott's on the phone"" "Who?" "Ridley Scott" "Who is that then?" "Oscar-winning director..." "Gladiator, Blade Runner" "Is he gonna call?" "He's not really gonna call" "No?" "You say he's on the phone" "And then, she'll think I'm a...player Ohh" "That's her, alright, okay..." "Answer the door and just look a bit secretarial." "Do something... hello hi would you like to come this way" "Andy" "Hi" "Thank you, Mr. Millman" "Thanks for doing this My absolute pleasure, welcome to my humble abode" "You don't talk like I thought you would" "You've seen me in character, there's much more than silly wigs" "No, I've seen you on chat shows, you didn't speak like that" "No, but there is Andy Millman the writer, Andy Millman the actor, Andy Millman the charity worker..." "And who was that?" "Slash this slash that..." "That's how I thought you talked" "How do you want me to talk?" "Just normal like you're at home I'm at home" "Just speak like that then Can we tone it down?" "So, you mentioned your charity work." "What charity are you involved with?" "Africa" "The main one that people care about, innit?" "You're not going to release an awful comedy single, are you, for charity, so you can get in the charts and boost your profile?" "Not just so I can boost my profile, no" "But you are releasing a comedy single?" "Well, no, it's me as Ray, doing a cover of Nine To Five, and it's a fun video, cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it" "We've got Craig Charles, Sam Fox, jade Goody's mum god" "Bunch of saddos" "Well, the good ones didn't want to do it, did they?" "We had to use look-alikes for some of them" "They will be sorry, though when it gets number one And we'll get number one so let's not slag it off before it's saved some Ethiopians" "You in a hurry?" "0h, no, no, sorry, I've got another interview to get to" "I'm a little nervous actually Why, for meeting me?" "No, god no." "Have you seen the Byron film?" "Yeah" "I'm interviewing Greg Lindley Jones" "Why are you nervous about meeting him?" "He's got such a sort of brooding intensity, he's like a young Richard Burn" "Young Richard Simon more like" "Well, I'm not slagging him off but let's not..." "Mr. Millman, the phone call has just come in" "Oh, who is it?" "Is it Wiggly Scott?" "Ridley Scott, yeah." "The award winning director of Gladiator and Blade Runner" "What does he want?" "Cheers." "Sorry about this" "Hey, Ridley, I can't talk now, I'm out with a journal." "Say hello from me." "what?" "We know each other from Cannes." "Say hello from me." "Emily Whitford" "Emily Whitford" "What's he say?" "Nothing" "Ask him how is ankle is." "He'll laugh Will he?" "How's your ankle?" "Is he laughing?" "sort of" "Let me speak to him What?" "Let her speak to him Let me speak to him" "Hold on, All right" "Oh, what's he done?" "Hung up?" "Why is he done that." "Sorry about that, cheers" "Can I ask you a few questions?" "What about?" "I'm not very good at general knowledge" "No, about working for Andy" "Probably not a good idea" "Also, if you are in a hurry..." "Cheers for that, it was..." "So how long have you worked for Andy?" "3 hours No, think 3 hours?" "no" "What is she talking about?" "Just be honest, come on" "3 ears" "No, 3 years" "Yeah, that's make more sense Certainly" "And what's he like as a boss?" "A wanker no..." "He's a wanker?" "No, she didn't mean that" "Listen, listen, listen to her" "He plays darts, all the time" "I love darts." "I don't know why, I've just I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow" "Is she actually your P.A.?" "Is she..." "Is she actually your P.A.?" "Who?" "That's lady there, is she actually your P.A.?" "Sorry, I don't know what do you mean by actually" "Well, do you employ her?" "Employ is a strong term Strong in what term?" "In a sense that it's a bit weird to ask someone about their PA when they are being interviewed" "Well, it's just a clarification, really." "About the article" "She said she's my PA, you've seen me get along with it, so based on that what assessment are you trying to make?" "Well, I get the impression she's not your P.A." "Opposite impression that I would want, from this..." "Did Ridley Scott actually phoned you earlier?" "According to her, are you calling her a liar?" "So he'll remember phoning you, will he?" "If I speak to him later" "What's his memory like?" "You know him better than me But you spoke to him earlier on the phone, didn't you?" "Yeah, couldn't hear him" "But you were relaying my messages to him Yeesss" "Yes, well done, and I am saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word" "Could you just answer the question - is she your PA?" "No, it's a joke." "Of course she's pretending, it's a wind-up" "It's just something we always do to journalists" "You always do?" "What do you mean by always?" "Do you need a P.A. in real life Andy?" "No" "Cause I can do with the money" "Should I pack then?" "Yep, may as well" "Bought that as a gift for Andy" "Didn't want it, wasn't interested" "Should have known then something was brewing." "How about these?" "Nothing in 'em, just put 'em up there in case the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults" "Kids can be cruel" "Yeah, they can" "What do they say?" "You know what they say" "Lanky four-eyed twat?" "Yeah" "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp?" "Sometimes" "Frankenstein's albino gonk?" "I never heard that one" "It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings" "Sheep shagger they said sometimes as well" "I thought sheep shagger was Welsh?" "No, it can be Bristol as well" "I thought Bristol was inbreeding" "Sheep shagging, inbreeding, slavery, we're famous for loads of stuff down there alright" "Barry?" "yeah" "Could do with a hug, mate" "Yeah" "Queers Ignore him" "Show me the money" "So, "When the Whistle Blows", the BBC are begging for a Christmas Special..." "No" "What do you mean no?" "I don't want to do it anymore" "You'll be mad to say no I don't care, that's it, I want to do Hollywood films or TV, but cool TV, American TV" "We've got cool TV over here, I've got offers" "Alright, do you want to be an alien, in doctor who?" "No" "They offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon" "What part of "cool" don't you understand?" "Alright, well, we've had a movie offer" "Buddy film Oh..." "No, no listen, it's a comedy, starring Rob Schneider as a horny deliveryman who looks exactly like the Prime Minister" "Rob will be playing both parts" "Get me a Hollywood film." "Andy, with all due respect, I really don't think Martin Scorsese is gonna be sitting in his London hotel room flicking through the channels going," "I've never seen this bloke before, shouting "You having a laugh?" but I think I've got a wig that will fit him" "Why would you say that to me?" "Because you have chosen a very specific path" "I want to get off it." "If that's what it takes to get respect, then definitely I'm gonna finish it" "I don't want to come up with more wacky characters , shouting catchphrases to appeal to kids and morons" "I want to do something credible." "I might want to direct one day and I'm not gonna get respect like this, so I'm finishing the sitcom" "That's mad, that's killing a cash cow" "I'm ending the sitcom, there you go done" "Alright, yeah, you could do that or you could think people are still watching let's milk it" "If people are stupid enough to keep on watching it, let's keep on giving it to them" "They've seen it all before" "They've seen everything, every sketch, slightly rewritten, every character" "They've heard every catchphrase shouted a thousand times Yes... but, have they seen an episode set in Spain?" "It's great, thanks" "Excuse me" "Sorry to bother you" "I'm an extra, but I'm an actor, really and I know you've been in my position and" "I just wonder if there is a line or a few lines you need someone to do" "I'll really appreciate the opportunity" "I'm not really involved with casting What's your name?" "Phil" "I will have a word with the floor manager, if anything comes up, I'll put a word in for you" "Thank you, sorry to bother you That's all right" "Why do the extras are coming to me?" "sorry?" "Why are the extras waving out and bothering me?" "why are they not in their paddock or wherever you keep 'em?" "I think they sort of look up to you were in their boat a while ago" "Alright, so I'll sit down with them and reminisce about old times?" "or should I go on with my job, that pays their wages and yours?" "Sorry, I didn't realize" "I'll tell him, not to do it again" "No, he won't do it again, cause I won't be around again" "Okay Yeah?" "Hey, my man" "Hello there, Darren Lamb." "I'm here to see Andy Millman, star of "When the wind blows"" "It's "The whistle" Yes, if I could just..." "Do you have a pass?" "No, I'm a friend of his, I'll just go..." "There is no problem" "I can't let anyone in without a pass no?" "We are friends but we've had a bit of a falling out" "I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could just..." "I can't help you, sorry sir Okay, that's all right" "Thanks a lot" "What's happened?" "I think we both know what's happened, don't we, really What's happened is I've tried to jump over the barrier and that ain't panned out as I had hoped and so if you just let me free, I'll go home and say nothing more about it, we'll both have a lovely Christmas." "That sounds like a plan don't it?" "What are you doing?" "Mate, I know this woman They won't let me in" "You have not got a pass?" "No, I'm just trying to get and see Andy every time I've tried to phone him, he's always on voice mail" "Can she just walk me in?" "Not without a pass" "It's all about a pass with you, innit?" "Can I get him a pass" "Yeah, why not" "I'm gonna get a pass from Andy" "Wait there Cheers" "Ooh, There you are" "Andy, I've just seen Darren up there" "And he says he can't get in" "And why are you telling me?" "Well, he says I keeps trying to call you but your phone's switched off" "No, it's not." "I just don't answer when I see it's him" "Can we not just get him a pass and he can sit up in the back?" "I don't want him in here" "I know, but I told him I would get him in" "Well, you lied" "He says he really wants to see you" "Life's cruel" "So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in?" "And Maggie..." "You can't keep coming up to me" "I can't what?" "You can't keep coming up and talk to me in front of the other extras" "They see you, they go "Oh, she's an extra, she's his equal, maybe we're his equal"" "I'm not an extra Not, you were" "And so were you" "I'm a little bit busy" "alright?" "Andy can't get you a pass" "He said he's really sorry and, that he will love to have you in there but he just...can't bend the rules, fire regulations or something" "That makes sense." "I imagine the fire regulations are quite strict at the BBC, aren't they?" "Alright well, thanks for trying" "It's okay" "Nice to see you again You too, bye" "Oh, It's good to be back" "But what a perfect holiday and everything has worked out brilliantly" "It certainly has, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams" "I got that promotion I wanted" "And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey, he's not been the same" "Indeed not," "As Confucius once said, "They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom"" "I don't get it" "Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet" "Oh, I am" "In fact, last night I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man, he took me to a sea food restaurant, fed me my favourite meal" "Fist you?" "No, he certainly did not" "It was our first date" "I didn't mean "did he fi..", I meant, are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Now he gets it" "Oh I get it" "I'm getting it We're all getting it" "Merry Christmas to everyone" "Thank you" "Thank you very much I love you Andy !" "Thank you" "You having a laugh?" "Well, not actually" "Which is why this will be the last ever episodes of "When the whistle blows"" "Well, I'll never have to wear this stupid wig again" "Truth be told, it's gone on for... far too long, I think three series should be enough for everyone" "I don't get it!" "Obviously, not enough for some people" "Andy, why are you stopping the show?" "Because, it's not what I wanted to do" "You know, with my life... shout a catchphrase to a load of morons for a livings no, euh... well, don't..." "Merry Christmas" "Thank you very much" "Who the hell do you think you are?" "You've just announced to the audience you are quitting the show without even consulting us, without even telling us It's nothing to do with you, is it?" "What do you mean, it has nothing to do with us?" "If I want to stop, that's it" "No, it's the lack of professionalism, Andy, it's the arrogance..." "Oh, oh, When I first got into this, you were the great "I am" holding me to ransom the shoe was on the other foot and now you don't like it, do you?" "No, I don't" "Well if I want to stop, I'll stop." "I want to do other stuff, alright, I want to move on" "Live with it, you stay here if you want, scrambling around, chasing ratings but I want to do something else" "It's a really interesting way of looking at things, after everything that we done for you" "Oh..." "life's cruel Yes, it can be, good luck and, eh, you've got lots of things lined up, have you?" "Don't worry about me The phone won't stop ringing" "Tre Cooper, please" "Andy Millman" "Yeah, good, right, listen to this." "What's hot?" "Greg Lindley Jones, who charmed the nation this week on Desert Island Discs with a stream of hilarious anecdotes that recalled the great Peter Ustinov at his best" "What's not?" "Andy Millman." "Are we having a laugh?" "For about five minutes we were, but Andy Millman's Christmas special hit an all-time low" "The jokes were filthier than Mrs. Slocombe's pussy with no new projects on the horizon, Millman is fast becoming as out of date as his gags" "Aren't you meant to get me some decent work?" "I mean, I quit the show three weeks ago" "Excuse me, is it okay if I go?" "It's nearly half past" "OK, see you tomorrow." "Thanks" "Hi" "Where have you been, you're late" "Sorry" "Look at this worst table" "I'm just happy to be sitting down" "Oh, look, it's your friend, Vernon Kay" "Vernon" "Hey, Donnie Millman Andy" "See you later What?" "If he's forgetting my name, how the hell is he going to read an autocue?" "Look at this, the Guardian stitched me up" "There's a whiff of desperation about Andy Millman" "Our entire interview was more bizarre than an episode of "When the whistle blows"" "Every answer he gave sounded like he was reading from a press release, full of boasts, hyperbole and the occasional bare-faced lie" "He seems desperate for the headline to be "All's well in the Millman camp, next stop Hollywood"" "This is gonna be a fun lunch then Hein?" "It's just we never seem to have a laugh any more" "When you had nothing and we were both extras, we had more of a laugh" "No, we didn't, I hated it, it was shit" "Okay" "I was always moaning You're always moaning now" "You moan about the Ray dolls but they did buy you a house that overlooks Hampstead Heath" "You moan about the sitcom that it gets six million viewers but it's the wrong six million" "But at least it gets six million viewers" "At least you've accomplished something, even if it's not exactly what you wanted" "I've accomplished nothing" "I have brought nothing...to the world" "Look at that" "Harold Pinter and his wife, having lunch with Geri Halliwell" "Why am I not over there?" "I don't know, do you like Geri Halliwell?" "no no...why am I not having lunch with Harold Pinter and his wife?" "Well, I'm sorry you stuck at this table, then" "What?" "I'm not sure you should actually even come here, this place just seems to annoy you" "You're always saying, he's got an acting part that you wanted or he's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it" "If you worry about things like that you're, you're never going to be happy, no matter how successful you are" "You'll never be famous enough" "Thank you doctor Freud, nice conversation" "What would you rather be?" "A penguin that can't fly but it swims around in the water like a fish but it is a bird or a flying fish that can fly but is essentially still just a fish..." "Oh Maggie, I can't do these stupid questions anymore" "Seriously, we're grown ups" "Ah, Andy Millman, you probably want to turn to page 17, a rather perceptive interview with yours truly the one that says "Next stop Hollywood"" "I've seen it, nice photo Thank you" "Thank you, yes, apparently, I have a brooding intensity" "Anyway, I'm going to love you and leave you" "Don't let him have a pudding, we don't want him bursting out all over the place" "Do you want me to sign that?" "No, we're alright man, cheers" "There is no one else in there" "No, it's all right, leave it, yeah" "Well, you'll never get it filled" "All right?" "How's it going?" "just getting lunch" "What have you gone for?" "Yeah, "Filet au fish"" "Alright, yeah" "It's good and tasty" "Good for you, isn't it, fish?" "Yeah, you're meant to have two portions a week, or?" "Yeah, it's got fatty acids, which are very good for you apparently and omega" "It's good" "Are you alright?" "Good, yeah Excellent" "I'd better crack on" "Darren, what you doing?" "It's quarter past two." "Yes, all right, calm down, mate, you're not the boss of me, he's not the boss." "Alright, Andy?" "Yeah You were due back 15 minutes ago" "Yeah, alright, keep your hair transplant on, I'm coming in, aren't I?" "See you later" "See you later" "You alright?" "Yeah, good." "Good" "No hard feelings, you know?" "No, sure" "I needed someone to further my career..." "We all know, you know, he wasn't the best agent in the world, you know, but he was loyal yeah.." "and he tries hard yeah..." "Be careful mate Fame is a mask that eats...into the face" "Barry, can you stop nattering, please?" "Dean's got a question for you" "Did you tell someone the Nokia 8600 came with..." "Oh, hello, mate, "Are you having a laugh?"" "I thought you were lying when you used to go on about him all the time." "I didn't used to go on about him all the time, I didn't mention him..." "See you later yeah" "Were you really his agent once?" "yes" "I need a new agent why?" "Because I'm working in Carphone Warehouse" "I quit the show five months ago" "I'm sat here like a lemon, you're not getting me anything" "No, I told you a thousand times, I'm not gonna play an alien in Doctor Who" "Don't do it, Schlong!" "You leave me no alternative, Doctor" "What's happening to us?" "He's hyper-podulating" "He's using his molluscian glang valves to internally vibrulate our DNA" "What does that mean?" "It means we'll both turn into slugs in about 30 seconds" "Unless I can reach that sodium chloride" "What's sodium chloride?" "You probably know it as table salt" "Tre Copper" "Andy Millman" "Okay, do you know where he is?" "Andy Millman..." "Tell him to call me" "Cheers" "It's Andy Millman again" "Can you get him to call me please?" "I've been calling every day for two weeks, he's never there, where is he?" "Snowboarding..." "No, I told him." "I don't want to do Hotel Babylon" "No, I'll tell you what, I am going to see him today because he's my agent and he takes 12.5% of my wages, OK?" "right?" "Yeah, and if he really is at lunch, where is he?" "Please tell me where he is." "Thank you" "I think you've made a very wise and informed decision, if you don't mind my saying" "Good little phone, fun ringtone as well on there, I've actually got the same one" "You can see that will be enjoyable...with your friends so, just pop your card in there if you would" "enter PIN" "And don't let him see your number" "Libellous" "Just let it phone his girlfriend" "That should be it, extract" "Deano, a Motorola Accessory Pack, s'il vous plait" "Sure, Shauny" "Thar she blows" "I thank you" "Enjoy" "Nice lady Yeah" "Hi, you alright?" "How's it going, do you need a phone or something?" "no" "I need some work, really any jobs going?" "Not really, no, I mean, aside from the intensive training needed, we are a bit overstaffed as well" "I think the only way there would be a vacancy is if one of these guys got an acting job" "Or if one of us dies" "That's more likely" "Statistically, yes" "So, no room at the at the inn" "Are you alright?" "Need tissues" "Don't worry" "I'm sure something will turn up" "It's not about the job" "It's everything, really" "I just wasted my life" "I haven't done anything" "I haven't seen anything, I haven't...been anywhere" "I've never even left the country" "I haven't even been abroad" "I'm just living on my own...in one room...with no money and I can't even get a job at the Carphone Warehouse" "That's not true" "It's true" "It's true at this branch, but you know, there are other branches particularly the ones in rougher areas" "They're always desperate for staff, because the ones they've got are always being assaulted or stabbed, sometimes in the face" "sorry yeah" "Hi, where are you?" "No, nowhere" "Can you meet me at the Ivy, ASAP" "I'm trying to track down my agent." "Honestly, he's worst than Darren, he was useless but at least, I knew where he was" "Why do you need me there?" "Cause it's the Ivy" "I don't want to go in by myself, I would look like a complete loser" "Can you meet me or not?" "Em, Okay" "Good, see you later Um Um" "I have to go" "Okay, sorry" "Thanks for your help" "I've had a piece of that" "Have you?" "Yeah" "He's a bit of a player, ain't he?" "It was one date" "Alright, Barry Yeah but one date is enough though, ain't it?" "You know it !" "Nothing happened !" "You told me." "You said you blocked the toilet up and she left" "Yes and that was for your ears only Thank you very much" "That's my mom...she's ill..." "Mom, hello..." "She's gone" "You alright?" "I'm having a bit of a nightmare if the truth to be told" "Tell me about it, I can't get a hold of this agent" "I had to do Doctor Who, Hotel Babylon, just to get my profile up" "Now he wants me to do Robin Hood." "I can't even get him on the phone" "Sounds like you had it tough Nightmare" "Apart from all the TV work, you're doing alright, are you?" "Yeah" "Yes sir Hi, we haven't booked" "We're very busy today, sir" "Andy Millman, I..." "Yes, you should have booked ahead really" "It's usually all right Sorry" "Andy Millman Hey" "You all right?" "Very all right, Sir, Byron number one" "UK box office, number two in the United States of America one lucky" "I'm off round Europe next week to promote the old film" "What about you?" "Oh great, good, yeah" "You got lots on?" "Mental, Just saying, I was...yeah" "I saw you as a slug in Doctor Who, very convincing" "It's a space serpent, yeah" "What's our agent like though?" "Can't get ahold of him, has he gone AWOL?" "Hiding from the tax man?" "I hope he hasn't, I'm having lunch with him" "You're having lunch with him?" "I wouldn't bother, it just goes straight to the voicemail" "Tre, yeah, oh, you're here, I'm outside." "I'll come straight in" "Alright mate" "Something's wrong with this The signal, these girders...sometimes it..." "It's weird how things pan out?" "He's more famous than you are now" "Why would you say that?" "Why do you say that to me?" "He's not more famous than me, not amongst my demographic." "So don't talk about things you don't understand" "Alright That's bollocks" "Gordon?" "Yep?" "Hiya." "You all right?" "Andy Millman" "Yeah" "You all right?" "..." "Yeah...." "Can't you have a word, can you?" "I'm just leaving" "No, no, you're in the industry, if you just have a word and they'll let me through" "I can't You can't or won't?" "Won't Oh" "At least nip to the kitchen and make me a cheese sandwich." "You cook!" "Cock?" "!" "Haven't you had enough cheese sandwiches fat boy You pound puppy-faced git" "You catchphrase shouting, wig-wearing wannabe" "You publicity hungry, failed footballing fuck" "You're a has been, go home" "You think you're hard don't you cause you shout at people in kitchens." "Who works in kitchens?" "Ooh, women and gays, ooh and the French." "Ooh you're well hard" "Let's just leave it there, shall we?" "yeah?" "I don't want to get into a fight." "I've heard your girdle could explode at any minute" "You fuck, I was gonna..." "Come on, let's just go" "No, I'm gonna wait here and wait for him to come out." "If I can't go through there for five minutes?" "I'm sorry" "Well, can we at least have a drink at the bar?" "Do you want a drink?" "Not really no" "No, got something better to do?" "no" "I'm going home Where you going?" "Home" "Don't leave me here by myself, come on" "Where is my home?" "What?" "Where do I live?" "You moved" "Yeah, where to?" "You want the exact address?" "No, just the area" "What am I, your postman?" "No, you're my friend" "Look, I'll see you Oh, come on" "Oh, for fuck s..." "Tre !" "Excuse me" "What are you doing?" "What are YOU doing?" "You haven't returned any of my calls" "Yeah, funny enough, there's not been that much since you told the BBC to piss off" "There's other channels, aren't there?" "You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent" "Yeah, well, I can't magic things out of thin air" "They either want you or they don't" "Life's cruel" "And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients..." "Guilty as charged." "Yeah..." "What about me?" "Alright, listen to me Andy" "I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want" "Every time you come in my office, it's something different" "One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist" "Next day, you just want your face in the paper" "What do you want?" "Do you want to be a famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?" "Look, do you want fame and fortune?" "or do you want integrity and respect?" "Both right," "Well, there is only a few people in this world who have both those things" "You will never be one of them" "What do you want?" "Rich and famous and on the TV right okay then" "Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?" "yes" "Comedy panel shows?" "yes" "You know you will have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed?" "Yes, I know how they work" "Ooo" "Thick club" "Good, yeah, this is great" "I'd much rather have a client that will do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "I don't want to do that" or "It's beneath me"" "Ooh, hold on" "There is one other thing I'll have to pull some strings" "Pull them" "Last night, the celebrity housemates arrived in the Big Brother house" "Hi, hello...hiya" "Hi Lisa Scott Lee." "Hi, Lisa, hi Scott, hi Lee" "Chico." "Oh, yeah yeah." "Toby." "All right mate, how it going?" "Welcome to the house Oh, cheers" "Hello Hi, Andy.." "Lionel Blair." "Andy good he's happy..." "I don't know who any of these people are" "Who's that one in the dress?" "That's Amy, she is in all the lad's mags" "Her boyfriend was accused of rape." "Hmm" "Opportunity knocks" "Yeah And who is that one?" "Her son was murdered murdered?" "What's she doing in here?" "She's got a single coming out." "Course she has." "Well" "Cheers Cheers" "11.22pm :" "All the housemates are in the lounge" "Obviously, I knew he was filming us at it but I didn't think it was going to end up on the internet" "How did it end up on the internet?" "Well, someone must have stolen it." "Where from?" "From the flat" "You probably put it on the open window sill next to the apple pie that was cooling down, some ruffians came by, they've put it straight on the internet" "I'm glad they did though because the lad mags called and said "Hey, wa saw those, we thought they looked great in motion, do they look as good still?"" "And they did." "So they put them in the magazines and luckily $£%µ was reading one of them and..." "You went out with $£%µ for a while, didn't you?" "Well, I didn't really go out with him, I shagged him a few times" "And I also shagged µ%£$ µ%£$µ%£$µ%£$ µ%£$µ%£$µ%£$µ%£$ µ%£$µ%£$µ%£$" "µ%£$µ%£$ µ%£$µ%£$µ%£$ µ%£$µ%£$µ%£$" "Andy has come to the Diary Room" "You might be sued under the Trades Descriptions Act, for calling it Celebrity Big Brother" "I didn't know some of them were" "Do you know what I mean?" "I just think..." "I just don't think this is doing me any good at all." "It'll make me look bad if anything because people won't go "oh, he's the biggest star in there", they'll go..." ""well, if he's in there, he must be as..."" "Day Three :" "Lionel is dancing again" "I pulled my bloody back" "There we go." "Easy does it, lay back, lay back, lay back, lay back.." "You alright?" "Why are you doing this?" "It just keeps up the profile" "But you've been performing for 40 years." "Aren't you bored with, just, having to be on all the time?" "Yeah, I ache as well" "I wake up in the morning and I ache" "That's why I've done my bloody back," "I didn't stretch because it aches to stretch" "Do you know what I look forward to these days?" "death" "Oh, save me some wine" "It numbs the pain" "Day 4 :" "Big Brother has set the housemates a task" "The housemates must rank themselves in order of fame" "With one being the most famous and eight being the least famous" "I've worked hard to get where I've got What have you done, dropped your knickers?" "OK, all right, but at least I'm on the way up This is serious guys" "My fans are watching so I should be here." "I've been famous for ten years, you've been famous for ten minutes" "I've been in this business 50 years." "Granddad's talking now" "Never mind about Granddad, Come on, go on." "I had two programmes in the top five, Give Us A Clue and Name That Tune" "When have you been on the TV?" "Everybody who watched are in homes." "Is that right?" "Look, I don't care if Lionel wants to go number one..." "I'll swap with Lionel but I'm not swapping with her..." "Well, I don't mind, I mean, all I say is my show was getting seven million every week on BBC One" "Everyone shouts my catchphrases Even four-year-olds shout my catchphrase" "Four-year-olds shout my catchphrase." "They're five now but that's not the point..." "I'm sorry, mate, you're a reality winner" "Hold on, hold on, hold on a second Actually, you didn't even win You didn't even win..." "My son's murder was on the news at ten..." "And I met Gordon Brown He paid for me to come up to London and everything." "Still, it must have been a terrible time It was an absolute tragedy" "# Tragedy # When feelings gone and you can't go on it's tragedy... # # With no-one to love you, you're going nowhere... # # Tragedy... #" "Andy has come to the Diary Room" "I don't know why I did this" "I just don't, I just don't..." "What is this?" "This is a blip, is this a blip?" "Is this a blip in my life?" "Will I do something embarrassing?" "Will I, what, do they..." "I don't know." "I don't know what's the best that can happen." "I know what the worst is, but I don't know what the best that can happen" "Andy, is there anything you miss in the outside world?" "loads of stuff" "The housemates are talking about fame" "When did you first realize you wanted to be famous?" "Me?" "yeah" "I didn't think did just want to become famous" "I thought I wanted something" "Obviously I do, I just want to be famous why else would I put myself here with a load of other desperate people" "I'm not desperate no?" "no" "I'm doing this to broaden my career I want to be a serious journalist" "Yesterday, June, you spent 20 minutes making porridge in high heels and a thong so?" "I don't think Kate Adie started out like that" "Who?" "Good luck with the Pulitzer" "Are you patronising me?" "No, I'm not having a go." "I'm really not having a go" "I'm saying we must be desperate - why else would we come onto a show where you have to hand in your dignity at the door?" "I haven't handed in my dignity" "I'm not going to get married for a while but if I did get married, I would definitely let someone pay for it, because a decent wedding is going to cost about 50 grand." "I'd let Hello pay." "And, apparently, they pay you for every celebrity you get along" "You'd come wouldn't you, you're worth a few quid." "Yeah." "Definitely" "Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding?" "To your Hello wedding?" "Yeah" "Are you all right?" "No" "What are we doing?" "Selling ourselves, selling everything" "Happiest day of my life." "Quick," "I'd better do the invites and bake a cake." "Must have a press tent, it's a wedding" "You know, I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a programme with" "Oh, and now I'm pregnant, maybe we should televise the birth." "Get Ryan Seacrest to present it, maybe it'll make jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest Caesareans" "I'm not having a go at you, I'm sick of these celebrities living their life out in the open all the time. .." "Why would you do that?" "It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab, they call their publicists before they call a taxi, then they come out and do their second autobiography," "This one is called "Love me or I'll kill myself" Oh, kill yourself, then." "The papers lap it up." "They follow us round and that makes people think we're important and that makes us think we're important" "If they stopped doing that, people wouldn't take to the streets going, 'Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple.' They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else" "They'd get on with their lives" "You open a paper, see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car and the headline is "Cover up Lindsay, we can see your knickers"" "0f course you can see your knickers!" "Your photographer's lying in the road pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers !" "You're literally the gutter press" "And fuck you, the makers of this show as well, you can't wash your hands of this, you can't keep going "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want"" "No !" "The Victorian freak show never went away, now it's called Big Brother or American idol." "Where in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires" "And fuck you for watching this at home" "Shame on you !" "And shame on me !" "I'm the worst of all" "Because I'm one of these people that goes," ""Oh, I'm an entertainer, it's in my blood" Yeah, it's in my blood because a real job is too hard." "I'd love to have been a doctor." "Too hard, didn't want to put the work in" "I'd love to be a war hero but I'm too scared" "So I go, "Oh, it's what I do"" "and I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way" "Do you know what a friend of mine once said?" "They said I'll never be happy because I'll never be famous enough and they were right" "And if you are watching this, I am so sorry You're my best friend, you're my only friend and you never did anything wrong" "it was everything else." "I will never do that again, I will never treat you like that again" "And it's eating me up You asked me a stupid question once and I could have answered it and I didn't because I was..." "I'll answer it now" "I'll be the penguin because I could eat the flying fish" "I know what you're thinking, why doesn't the fish fly away?" "Well, it can't really fly, it sort of glide and flap." "They should be called glidey flappy fish" "I'm so sorry" "I've been waiting to hear that, mate..." "I don't think he means..." "He's a good guy, he's a good guy, yeah yeah" "I'm gonna go now Cheers everyone" "Andy?" "Yeah" "Andy, that was...that was amazing." "Cheers I'm gonna come with you" "Okay" "Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini" "Andy?" "Andy !" "Seriously mate, you're a fucking genius" "Where did that come from?" "I don't know Have you seen the mob out there?" "It's gone mad" "The phone's been going mental, I've had calls from the papers, all the chat shows." "We can charge a fortune for this" "Well done mate" "Elton john, he's been on, wants you to be seen at one of his 60th birthday parties" "He's 61 now, isn't he?" "Well, he's got a lot of parties to get through, he's still on the 60th ones" "Oh, Posh and Becks are being photographed on a private beach "against their will"" "and they wondered if you wanted to be there" "Waou Hey?" "When you go through there, don't say too much cause we wanna be able to sell your story. just say a few words, straight in the car" "I've got you a hotel suite, let's get down there and assess our options but seriously, mate, the world is your oyster" "OK You ready?" "Yeah" "Let me say a few words, then I will bring you out." "Yeah" "Hello." "OK, sorry for keeping you waiting" "Hello." "OK, sorry for keeping you waiting there will be a chance for that at a later stage but those of you who want to get your cheque books open" "All right so, ladies and gentleman..." "Andy Millman" "Oh, he's a deaf bugger" "Andy Millman!" "Hi" "Hello" "You all right?" "Yeah" "I saw you on the TV" "Did you?" "Okay" "Good" "Where are we going?" "Somewhere where no one cares who I am" "Back to the Ivy then?" "Seriously, somewhere where no one knows me" "Hollywood?" "The hits keep coming" "What do you want me to tell them?" "They've been sitting for three fucking hours!" "Just say "Oh, sorry, we lost him?" "!" Move, fucking find him" "Seriously, where do you want to go?" "We can go anywhere?" "Yeah" "Alright then" "Where do the flying fish live?" "In the sea" "Let's go there then" "Two first class tickets to the sea..."