"Rumor has it Napoleon skated." "Supposedly, Joan of Arc was a skater... but the guy that told me that is kind of an idiot." "So I don't know if I believe that." "I know that former President Nixon... was doing a spin or two... not during Watergate, but when he was a younger man." "And why not?" "Because I'll tell you... figure skating is life's greatest joy." "Second greatest." "Ties for third, actually." "Hi. I'm Dr. Hadley S. Robinson..." "Associate Professor of Sociology here at U.C.N.L.A." "Almost all aspiring figure skaters... will fail in their attempt to attain their Olympic dream." "Yet each year, thousands of skaters struggle for success." "And what we want to know is...why?" "Yuri Moskvin, the former Russian gold medalist... has generously agreed to let our cameras into his rink... to witness firsthand the ways in which... young girls are striving against all odds... for Olympic glory." "Hey, Hadley!" "Welcome to Yuri Moskvin School of Figure Skating!" "Glad you make it." "For sure, this is going to be best season ever... for Yuri Moskvin School of Figure Skating... located at intersection of Route Ten and Fifteen." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, say big hello to camera, girls." "Hi!" "That's good." "On this rink and rinks like it across the country... young women are training every day." "They're dedicating their hearts, their souls... and their youth to the same dream of Olympic glory." "Veda!" "But with only one gold medal awarded every four years... the odds against success are astounding." "The-- l love you, Veda!" "And yet these skaters aren't focused on the odds." "They're focused on the upcoming county-wide competition." "The top three competitors will then move on... and advance to the regionals... where in addition to receiving this lovely golden horn... the winner of the regional competition... will move one giant step closer to the Olympics." "This is the famous Golden Horn." "It's awarded to champion of regional competition." "One of my skaters won this just last year." "Yeah, is true." "We create the most talented skaters... here at the Yuri Moskvin School of Figure Skating." "We accept all levels, as well as Visa and Mastercard." "So don't be shy." "Come." "Hi!" "How can we tell who the winners of the county-wides might be?" "For guidance, we turn to Zamboni Phil... who has spent twenty-five years... observing girls just like these... from his position on top of his ice cleaner." "In figure skating, there's no sure thing." "You got a skater in first position... and a skater in second position." "If the skater in first position tumbles... the skater in second position moves right up." "A wild thing of unpredictability in figure skating." "But Yuri's got a lot of good skaters out there... but if I were a betting man, which I'm not anymore... I'd have to narrow it down to four girls:" "Tiffany Bernstein... because she's a real looker;" "J.C. Cain, because she's got that je ne sais quois thing..." "Bite me." "Wendy Wodinski... because, I mean, who's going to deny her?" "She's a powerhouse, that girl." "And, of course, Veda Tilman." "Because you've got to choose Veda, right?" "is that four?" "Whatever." "Veda Tilman has been groomed for an Olympic future... by a tough single mother." "Once a promising skater herself..." "Mildred Tilman is now a successful businesswoman... with her own chain of pie shops." "She has raised her daughter to be a dedicated... if somewhat reserved young skater." "Life is full of sacrifices." "If you want something... then you've got to dedicate your entire life to it." "Whenever Veda wants to go to a party, I tell her no." "If she wants to eat crap, like pizza or birthday cake... I tell her no." "What if Veda doesn't win the regionals?" "Will she stop competing?" "After all the work we've put into it?" "Absolutely not." "I've dedicated much too much of my life to let Veda stop." "Now, the way I see it... the Swiss have skiing, the Austrians have luge... and, of course, the Germans have steroids." "But America has ice skating." "I've had a sprained ankle... two broken ribs, a cracked vertebrae." "People like to throw stuff on the ice after we skate." "We're twins, you know." "People like twins." "Now you can call me crazy, and a lot of people do... but I think Wendy Wodinski's got a shot." "And I'll tell you something." "That girl's got some powerful thighs." "At 5' 6" and 170 pounds..." "Wendy Wodinski hardly fits the popular image... of a figure skater, but this doesn't bother Wendy... a young woman with a tremendous drive." "My mom's been coaching me for five years." "Can you tell us why you skate?" "For the attention." "And what do you think... your chances are for the county-wide competition?" "I don't want Wendy focusing on her odds." "I want her focusing on her jumps." "She's a good skater." "She'll do just fine." "That's Tai Babilonia." "She would have won the pairs gold medal in Innsbruck... but her partner Randy got hurt during the warm-up... and they had to withdraw." "That is Katie Dinkins." "She was the best jumper of her day." "But Peggy Fleming had a really nice butt... so no one even noticed her." "But this is my idol-- Surya Bonaly." "She's from France." "See, in Europe..." "they don't care so much... if you don't look like Tara Lipinski." "County-wides, regionals, Olympics-- it's all you hear about these days." "Sometimes I worry about Courtnee." "All she thinks about is skating... and that Madonna woman." "Can you tell us why you skate?" "What?" "Why do you skate?" "To express myself." "What exactly are you trying to express?" "My originality." "But you're imitating Madonna." "I am a tribute to Madonna." "OK." "A bruised liver, a chipped kneecap." "God." "This is from the Arcadia mall, and this came from... our Holy Mother of God Church skate show." "What's your skating dream?" "The Olympics!" "It's the pressure that gets to me." "Everyone wants to win so bad." "Everyone wants to go to regionals... but only three get to go." "Three." "Excuse me." "Hi, Veda." "Veda, hi." "Could you stop and talk to us for a moment?" "Excuse me." "I'm late for practice." "is she always so focused?" "She's the rink champion... and a complete b-i-t-c-h." "Never talks, never hangs out." "Never eats." "But she's gonna win county-wides... and there is nothing we can do about it." "Except fight it out for the rest of the spots." "A broken nose, a stressed pelvis." "I broke this little finger." "All these girls, from a very young age... they've been struggling to get the moves down." "Tiffany Bernstein, she's got all the..." "She's got all the right moves there." "She's got that down." "Raised in a household that stresses devotion..." "Tiffany Bernstein is passionate about everything she does." "Everyone says you have a great coach." "Has Mr. Hand's coaching changed your skating?" "That guy's an" "Amen." "Amen." "You..." "Amen!" "But she's got something none of these other girls got." "She's got the best darn coach in the rink." "Nice, Tiffany." "Very graceful." "All right." "Good speed." "And up!" "Good landing." "That's what I like to see." "You know, outside of Yuri... I'm probably the most decorated skater... associated with this rink." "That's what makes me such a successful coach." "I know what it takes to win, and my record's perfect." "I've had a student go to the regionals... every year since I started to coach." "That is ten girls in ten years." "And two of those girls have even won the regionals." "So you can forget about Veda Tilman." "This year's county-wides belong to Tiffany Bernstein." "Hi, Mr. Hand." "Jesus, that is ridiculous." "You mean Becky?" "No, the fat girl." "And I was in a coma for three weeks." "That sucked." "What do you enjoy most about skating?" "It's fun." "It's a challenge." "And all the kids are doing it." "It's happy, it's pretty... and it's proud." "May I ask how old you are?" "Sixteen." "You're sixteen?" "I'm sixteen." "Get it up." "Get it up." "Yes." "Smile!" "Smile, girls!" "Smile!" "They do have a point, though." "A smile is very important to the figure skater." "That's the way that she communicates... her love of the sport to the judges." "Hi." "Do you mind if we ask you some questions?" "It'll cost you a beer." "All right." "Do you have l.D.?" "Look who's here. lt's tuna girl!" "Tuna girl." "She gave us the finger!" "Lastly, I think J.C. Cain's got a shot... no matter what folks say about her." "That's me." "I mean, obviously it's me." "I'm talking." "Jane Candy Cain is an extremely free spirit." "I'm gonna waste all those other girls." "I need this competition." "Yeah." "Of course." "I mean, everyone... wants to go on to the Olympics... so you need the competition." "Hold up." "Look." "That gold medal shit is not for me." "You don't want to go to the Olympics?" "I'd love to go to the Olympics... but I'm not really the type." "No, I mean, when I get a title or two... and my resume's sharp, I'm out of here." "And where are you gonna go?" "South Florida... land of 101 professional skating shows." "It pays killer, and the hours are great." "I figure I'll get myself a nice little beach house... do a little sunbathing during the day... and maybe some Cubans at night." "J.C. first got here six years ago." "And she didn't have any money for lessons or anything." "She mostly just hung around... watched, and pretty much taught herself." "But I'll tell you this-- she is the best self-taught skater l've ever seen." "How can she afford the high cost of skating?" "I made a little arrangement with Yuri." "She helps me clean the ice... and he gives her some free ice time." "And then Tempest Tuna, they sponsor her... with enough money for dresses and skates and stuff like that." "So that's why she has... all the little fish on her dresses." "Yeah." "That's all Tempest Mid-Pacific Tuna." "It's all them bastards required of her." "Why would they choose to sponsor J.C... as opposed to someone else in the rink?" "You don't know?" "No." "Her daddy used to..." "Work on the assembly line over at Tempest Tuna." "One day he slipped and fell in the canning machine." "I miss that son of a bitch." "You ever seen a man in a can?" "What if we went to the Olympics and skated in pairs... and people thought we were lesbians?" "But we're twins." "Then they would think we were lesbian twins... who skated in pairs." "What do you think your chances are at county-wides?" "I think I'm actually the forerunner." "Really?" "Yeah, but no one else knows that." "Nuts?" "Yeah, I guess... the girls could seem a little bit nuts." "I like to think of them more... as wildly optimistic, like the Jews." "Actually, it's the optimism... that keeps them out of the nut house." "I'll tell you who belongs in the nut house." "The judges." "It's spooky." "Kind of cute." "Since skating is the planet's only hope of decency... I figured becoming a judge was the least I could do." "Why else would we judges work free of charge?" "Everyone needs a hobby." "Picking your nose is a hobby." "Being a skate judge is an honor." "Skating is a sanctuary." "Yeah, but... I have big choice after I win gold medal-- go back to Soviet Union... and be most famous for one year... then nothing for rest of life..." "Or somehow lose escort on way to airport... and get asylum from Japan, but Japan don't want me." "They fear Russian retaliation for stealing top athlete." "God bless America." "They don't care who they take." "I don't want to be telling tales out of school, but..." "Yuri is not much of a businessman." "He's a great skater..." "you know, in his day." "He's one of the best, but... borrowing money from the Russian mob" "There's no way that's not gonna come back... to bite you in the ass." "When them boys want their money back... they don't take "nyet" for an answer." "Damn it, Bradley." "I am not asking you... for miracles, just a decent spiral... and if you can't manage that... then maybe I'll have to find someone else... to keep Veda's legs in the air." "Pick me, Veda!" "No, me!" "I'm the one!" "What?" "Remember, don't look in the camera." "Don't look in the camera." "Eyes up here." "OK." "Would you guys tell us... who your favorite skaters are and why." "Veda." "Yeah." "Veda." "Why?" "'Cause she's hot." "Yeah." "Let go of me." "Hot coffee coming through." "Charming." "Here we go." "Thank you." "Here we go." "Nothing makes my heart race like watching Courtnee skate... but let's face it-- only the top three girls get to go to regionals... and that means Veda Tilman..." "Tiffany Bernstein, and maybe Courtnee." "Or my Jody." "Three days till county-wides, and your leg is still bent?" "Unfortunately, some of us have completely lost perspective." "Spiteful little bitches, each and every one of them." "Sure, they start out warm and friendly... until they find out that you've got money... and then they realize that your kid's... got more talent taking a crap than their kid has... after ten years of skating lessons... and then it gets really nasty." "At least we don't have to put up with this much longer." "If Veda wins regionals... we're gonna kiss this dump good-bye." "Jumps." "You got your five basic jumps." "There's a salchow, named after Ulrich Salchow." "There's the lutz, named after Alois Lutz... the axel, named after the great Axel Paulsen... the loop..." "That's not named after anybody." "Neither is the flip." "It's a flip, for Christ's sake." "Skating is like fresh churned butter." "It's sweet and wholesome." "You totally want to submerge yourself in it." "And Tempest is only sponsoring me... so I won't sue them on account of my father's remains." "You heard it took them two weeks... to clean out that canning machine... and they still never found his... I don't know." "But somebody's having... a really interesting sandwich." "Back when I was competing... the coaching was much more stringent... much more controlled." "What you would call--it would be p.c., I guess today... to call abuse--was more like a coaching tool back then." "Why do you work with Mr. Hand?" "Everyone knows that Mr. Hand is the best coach in the rink." "He's too strict, though." "He needs to relax." "Do you think you need more discipline?" "Case in point-- you'd never see a coach... standing around without a cigarette in his hands." "And that cigarette was an effective tool... to discipline the skater." "Because of the smoke?" "No, because any time you did something bad... they'd get you." "He'd just..." "Just a real quick little tap right on the shoulder usually... and you knew." "Look at me." "If you don't go to county-wides... then you don't move on to regionals... and if you don't move on to regionals... you can kiss your skating career good-bye." "Look, Jimmy, I'm five minutes late!" "Big deal. I'm here, aren't I?" "I'm going to win the stupid county-wides and regionals." "Now relax!" "How can I relax?" "I can't go out there... and skate your routine for you." "It's that hood you're hanging out with, isn't it?" "Jackson is so not a hood." "He's getting his G.E.D. next month." "I don't care if he's getting V.D. next month." "He is distracting you from skating." "That's not true." "Jackson backs me up 100/." "He says I'm just like Nancy Kerrigan." "Why else would he hang out... in a refrigerated shit hole like this?" "He's here?" "See. 150 percent." "Let's go." "A lutz." "Now." "In skating terms, it's called edge and line." "Veda, she skates a deep edge." "She's got a nice line." "But where's the passion?" "She's got a nice ass, though." "To everyone, I say good luck tomorrow... and thank you for making this... the most successful season so far... for the Yuri Moskvin School of Figure Skating!" "I'm in the mood for love" "You sick Siberian lap dogs!" "Go on!" "Get out!" "Get out before I make throw rugs from your backs." "What can I say, you know?" "Everyone love figure skating." "But come." "Hadley, let me introduce you to friend." "Fellas, this is Hadley..." "Like Cher, like Fabio." "Hadley big-time film director, Hollywood." "Can you introduce me to Terri Hatcher?" "Who?" "Sure." "Hadley knows everybody." "And once movie come out... everybody know this rink." "We'll be turning them away." "I'm telling you, sharp guys... this going to be gold-mine investment." "Yeah." "We can have fun together." "But that's the calm before the storm." "Only three of these girls are going to survive... the county-wide competition... make it into the regional competition... and these girls are competitors." "What are they gonna compete for when they're done here?" "Boyfriends or a dead-end job at a fast-food franchise?" "Yes, they get to wear pants, and that's good." "But that is small compensation... for no longer being in the competition." "Yeah, OK, but it's still a highly competitive sport." "No." "That's a huge misconception." "I wish I knew where that started." "The truth is that skating's not about... high marks or individual glory." "It's a team sport." "Then why are there five judges then?" "To keep each other company." "We're very social people." "Yeah, this really some big excitement, eh, Hadley?" "Yeah, it certainly is." "When does the rest of the crowd arrive?" "You are a greedy man." "This is really kick-ass crowd." "It's not like international competition you see on TV... but it's better." "It's real life." "Hey!" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the County-wide Competition... sponsored by the Yuri Moskvin School of Figure Skating." "First up, Jody James!" "Courtnee Chin." "I told her that boy-toy phase was no good." "She should have gone with the new-age, witchy Madonna." "It's more hip, more current." "Please welcome Mary Brown." "Please welcome Mary..." "Make that Molly Brown!" "Nice." "Did you know my rink... has three skaters in this competition?" "is most savvy investment." "Please welcome Wendy Wodinski." "Moo!" "Julie Johnson." "How are you doing?" "You know what?" "You got a little on your teeth." "I do?" "Yeah." "Do you think you'll qualify?" "I should, but you never know with those fishy judges." "That's pretty cynical." "Let's just say it's tough being Courtney Love... when the judges are looking for Celine Dion." "But I got four doubles... which is more than any of those losers have... except Veda." "She's a goddamn machine." "Let's cut the Tonya Harding bit." "Shake a leg." "All right, already!" "Stop busting my balls!" "Phil's cool." "I just wish he'd take his foot out of my ass!" "I'm OK." "J.C. Cain!" "I've been here twenty-five years... and I learned you can't have any favorites... but every once in a while, one sneaks through." "You ready to go?" "OK." "Good luck." "Please welcome Tiffany Bernstein!" "Go, baby." "Fucker." "What have I done wrong?" "Ladies and gentlemen, our own Veda Tilman!" "Smile!" "You were really feeling the music." "I loved it." "I was feeling Ethel Merman." "Regardless of what that stupid piece of paper says... you have had a very positive year." "I want you to remember that." "OK." "It'll be two girls with little butts... and one with an eating disorder..." "Mom!" "as usual." "Don't worry about it." "No!" "I'm three!" "I'm number three!" "It's OK, Jody." "Who wants to go to the stupid regionals anyway?" "Regionals?" "I was going to the Olympics." "Life is just a mystery." "Do you hear me?" "It's just a mystery!" "I hate you, Veda." "I was going to the Olympics." "I hate you." "Honey... we're going to regionals." "Of course we are." "Courtnee is a good skater... but maybe she wasn't meant to be a champion." "She's hurting now, but it's OK." "Her life will have many disappointments... and lots of pain." "Just wait till she's a mother." "Don't you want to know the results?" "Whatever." "You made it." "You're number two." "You're going to regionals, girl." "Good job, girls." "How'd you do?" "No." "No, next year." "We get you really good skater" "Excuse me." "Mr. Hand?" "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind... telling us what you're gonna do... now that you don't have a competitor for the regionals?" "I'm going to Disney World, asshole." "No, no, no." "Thank you." "Get out." "Go on." "Go on." "Your stupid questions." "Go on." "I hate judges!" "That ain't the sound of a champion there, Julie." "It should have been me!" "Maybe tomorrow, Mary, Molly..." "Molly, Mary." "They're good girls." "If you girls want the easy gold... you should go into synchronized swimming." "The truth is, it's all part of a judge's job... to spread skating's virtue and refinement... to the hedonistic masses." "That's quite a lofty goal." "It's no goal. lt's a reality." "Skating will save us from ourselves." "How do you ladies feel... now that you're going to the regionals?" "Great." "My mom and I... we've been practicing together every day." "Fuckin'-a for my resume." "Can we get on with this?" "I'm late for practice." "Yeah, this is not gonna take much longer." "Veda, you're the rink champion." "What do you think your chances are for the regionals?" "Have you seen anyone better than me?" "Talk about blowing your own horn." "It's better than what you blow." "Apparently, you'll swallow anything." "At least tubby keeps her food down..." "Princess Vomitissa." "If I happen to retch... it's from the overwhelming stench of trailer trash." "Up here with me." "All right." ""Tubby"?" "What do you think about the competition... from the other counties?" "There's a rumor... that Sato Hakawa from Encino is a true prodigy." "I wouldn't know anything about her." "Do you have any intelligent questions?" "I thought so." "Has anyone else noticed that Mr. Hand's eyes... are actually forest green and not hazel?" "Please." "Yeah." "I didn't know that." "You were great." "Great." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Good luck." "OK." "Thanks." "All righty." "Bye-bye now." "Bye." "OK, great." "I'll tell you this-- figure skating's... not from the head, it's from the heart." "You skate from here." "If you skate from here, you get all jammed up." "You can't jump." "You can't lift." "You forget the head." "You forget everything except the ice." "The ice is your collaborator." "The ice is your partner." "The ice is the source of your power." "There is nothing in figure skating but the ice." "The ice is everything, just the ice." "Let's talk about the wall." "Sure, I enjoy breathing, but you don't--What?" "No." "We'll talk later." "Yeah." "Bye." "What--Hadley, you dog!" "You trying to sneak up on me?" "What is this, the Kremlin?" "Don't sneak up on me, OK?" "Certainly, Yuri." "I didn't mean to." "I just" "Are you having fabulous time?" "You know the..." "Yuri Moskvin School of Figure Skating... is very elite program." "We have seven coaches-- all top people... beautiful facility... plus the benefit of my gold-medal knowledge." "You have a very nice place here." "But what I'm wondering is if you could help us... understand how a girl starts in a place like this... but ends up a champion." "You make sound impossible that..." "Yuri Moskvin School of Figure Skating... can produce champion." "No, not at all. I simply meant" "This is really great place." "The skaters I train with in Russia... they don't own own school." "They work in factories or clean toilets... in some rundown rink in Minsk." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I didn't mean" "Tough luck for them, eh?" "That's Patsy." "Bitch." "We have company." "What?" "Hi." "We're trying to discover... the origins of the Olympic athlete... and what drives such a person to greatness." "Are you a friend of J.C.'s?" "Hardly. I'm her sister... and her cousin." "We're a real close family." "Apparently." "I'm just messing with you." "You believed me, though, didn't you?" "You did." "I knew it." "What's with the camera?" "It's a documentary." "On what?" "On figure skating, the origins of greatness." "She still figure skates." "She's not figure skating." "She's just screwing some guy down at the rink." "I beg your pardon?" "She doesn't figure skate anymore, does she?" "Yeah." "You should check her out." "She's actually pretty good." "I don't know." "You ever strap any skates on?" "I strap some things on." "School's not for me, and I hated flipping burgers." "But I'm a damn good skater." "And if I can win at regionals... I know I can make it happen with those ice shows." "They're really classy." "The women get all decked out... in these giant headdresses with pineapples... and those itsy-bitsy little bikinis... that European style that shows their ass." "I got a great ass." "People like to watch TV and see the good girls... like that Nancy Kerrigan and Michelle Kwan... you know." "You can't have good girls without bad girls, so... they laid into Tonya." "We're the bad girls." "Bad to the bone." "There's my chariot." "You guys like to party or what?" "Back when I was skating, it wasn't nearly so bad." "Of course, everybody wanted to be cute... like Dorothy Hamill." "Did you get the haircut?" "We all got the haircut." "I made it all the way to midwestern sectionals." "Then I just couldn't hack it anymore." "But..." "Wendy's different." "I guess her hide is as thick as her thighs... because she doesn't let the punishment bother her." "What punishment?" ""Fat girl" punishment." "Your scores are lower." "The fans ignore you." "The judges tell you to get... your large intestine stapled shut." "Do skating officials know about that?" "Who do you think started it?" "Besides, it's not anything you don't run into... every day outside the rink." "Only outside the rink... we don't get to formally score each other." "Music compositions, skates, dresses-- those sequined dresses, they cost a fortune." "It's not like you can get away with just one." "But I got to tell you, any time I see... my little snowball out there skating... it's like an investment in my baby's dream." "I really want my kids to have dreams." "How long have you been coaching Wendy?" "Ever since her first pair of skates." "But that's gonna stop." "Last night, we had a mother-daughter chat... and we decided it's time for a professional coach." "Have you found someone?" "Yes." "Wendy's pretty adamant about approaching Mr. Hand." "I'm gonna ask you this once, then we'll just..." "We'll move on." "OK." "Anything you want, Mr. Hand." "Good." "Good attitude." "is there any possibility that you could... drop fifty pounds by next week?" "I'm pretty sure that's impossible, Mr. Hand." "Yeah." "That's what I thought." "It doesn't hurt to ask, right?" "All right, between us, I just think that fat girls... have no place in figure skating." "In field hockey, sure, but not figure skating." "It's called figure skating for a reason, right?" "And you know the thing that I'm worried about?" "is what my association with a hefty girl... is going to do for my reputation." "The last thing that I want... is the skating community coming down on me... for promoting a fatty in the sport." "But a track record is a track record... and if I coach Wanda for regionals" "Wendy." "What did I say?" "You said Wanda." "Whatever." "The point is... if I coach the Orca for regionals... I'm still batting a thousand." "And you know what?" "By next year... they're all gonna forget about her." "Right?" "That's nothing compared to that stupid decal... they make me wear." "Have you seen that thing?" "It would be fine... if it was a stingray or a piranha or something... but being known as the tuna girl really sucks." "Thankfully, the only thing those Florida shows... make you wear are body glitter and skates." "Bags, girls." "Coming through." "Move it or lose it." "All right!" "What's the proper hand-arm position for that layback?" "You want to go up and over the ears." "Then you lay back." "Not that far back, OK?" "Great." "That's the position you want." "OK." "OK." "Thank you, Mr. Hand!" "I'll never forget that." "Good." "OK." "Now... there's a little something about me you need to know." "It's called the penalty box, OK?" "Three-foot area around me which you're not allowed into... unless you do well." "If I go like this-- not right now--then you're in." "Let's see that layback." "OK." "I can't believe Mr. Hand is actually my coach!" "All I've ever done is skate." "It's what I do best." "That and cooking." "They're both solitary endeavors." "But when I win the Olympics, there will be a lot of press." "So I have to get used to dealing with people." "That's the only reason I'm talking to you at all." "Do you have a backup plan... if the skating thing doesn't work out?" "She'd hate it if I told you this... but like I said, I'm a damn good cook." "Flaky, not cakey." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Tilman." "Hot, hot, hot!" "When I was growing up, nobody helped me skate." "My parents just wanted me to get married... and so I put aside my dreams and got married." "When that son of a bitch left us... I vowed that I would work my fingers to the bone... so that at least Veda could have the Olympic dream." "And now you see, I've done it." "I have an entire chain of pie shops... and Veda is on her way to the gold." "Yeah. I understand you take Veda's skating very seriously." "But how important is it that she wins?" "What, are you kidding?" "What the hell is the point of competing... if you're not gonna win?" "Veda has had seven coaches in seven years." "Don't get me wrong." "She's OK." "Really, she just wants a little love." "But it's that mother of hers." "Every bit the Taurus." "Luckily I have this... totally unhealthy mix of fear and awe for her." "She's so powerful, so formidable..." "So grand." "Jump. I said jump." "We only have ten days till regionals... and you still don't have a triple." "What, are you trying to kill me?" "I mean, she... I give up." "No, no." "Don't give up." "You've just got to remember to kick your knee through." "I have been working on this jump for the past three months." "I've fallen close to fifty times in this practice alone." "Face it. lt's not gonna happen." "No." "OK." "Fine." "I'm done for today." "Stop right there, young lady." "There are only ten days till regionals... and you still don't have a triple." "They say Sato Hakawa from Encino has two triples." "I can't do it." "I'm tired of skating every day." "I have no friends, no fun, no life." "Do you want to see your mother dead?" "Are you trying to kill me?" "After all I have done for you... the thousands of dollars I have spent on coaches... and dresses and private tutors... so that you could skate all day... and not have to waste your time at some stupid school." "I'm sorry, mother." "That's my girl." "When we win that Olympic gold, you'll have me to thank." "I got to go to the bathroom." "Put that thing away." "Shit!" "Tubby lover?" "Shit!" "Goddamn!" "Shit!" "Excuse me." "Sorry." "You can try to hide it, but you cannot deny... because you and I supplied it" "You know you want it." "Right now's the time, you and I." "You make me sick." "Do you understand that?" "You make me physically ill, and if you ever sing to me... or talk to me or make any sort... of bodily noise in my direction... I will slice your pecker off with a dull skate blade." "Got it?" "I can't believe you just stood there." "Veda!" "Come on!" "Can I talk to you for a second?" "I didn't fuck up your car." "Veda!" "How do you know I was gonna ask you about my car?" "I didn't do nothing to your car!" "Come here, you little rink rat!" "Stop, you little bastard!" "Do you know any other skaters?" "Gretzky." "Yeah." "He's awesome, man." "l meant figure skaters." "You must have some favorites." "You're obviously big fans." "Figure skating is for fairies." "Are you calling us a couple of fairies?" "But you're here every day." "Yeah, we come to see Veda, because she's my girlfriend." "My girlfriend." "But since you're so into questions, I got one." "What I want to know is why Zambonis have headlights." "Are they going out at night on the freeway?" "They got the lights on in here, right?" "Am I right?" "The ice is white." "They don't move fast enough to hit nobody." "It's a good question, huh?" "My biggest influence would have to be Nancy Kerrigan." "I heard she eats 1,100 calories a day." "That's what I eat." "You're so careful about your weight... I'm reluctant to ask you." "Which of your mom's pies is your favorite?" "I wouldn't know." "I've never tried any of them." "Never?" "Life is full of sacrifices." "If you want something... you have to dedicate your entire life to it." "If I'm going to win regionals, I can't afford to get fat." "The judges want grace and beauty, not fat." "So I suppose that's why you chose skating over cooking?" "Maybe." "I've applied to the Culinary Institute, just in case." "Oh." "This is pecan pie for the men... compliments of Mrs. Tilman herself." "I enjoy being near food." "My God!" "God, is this delicious!" "No wonder your mother is such a success." "This is good pie, fellas." "Tell me about this cooking institute... this culinary institute." "I..." "What have I done?" "Come on." "Excuse me." "I like Wendy. I really do." "It's just..." "first it was my car... and now they're mocking me in the industry newsletter." "They're calling me the seal trainer." "Now that Mr. Hand is coaching me... my skating has gotten so much better." "Jimmy says that l-- Mr. Hand says... that I've got a really good shot at regionals." "We make such a great team." "There's something really touching... about a mother-daughter team." "Maybe you should consider... asking your mom to coach you again." "Why?" "What have you heard?" "Mr. Hand isn't leaving me, is he?" "Pardon us." "Police coming through." "Are you Jane Candy Cain?" "You can't" "You've got the right to remain silent." "Calm down, tuna girl." "Let's go." "I'm being molested by a pork sausage!" "I'm sick of this." "I'm sick of your games." "Give us the name of your dealer." "Why don't you just give us a name?" "Just a name, and you can walk away from all this." "I don't know anything, and I don't snitch on friends." "Tell him name and end this." "I can't have this stain on the rink." "Just calm down." "This ain't the K.G.B. here." "This is the U.S. of A. We've got some rights here." "She is entitled to an attorney." "Lawyer?" "No." "Absolutely no trial." "Drugs, young girls, famous celebrity." "Larry King will crucify me!" "Hadley!" "What are you doing here?" "Sure you don't have a cigarette?" "I'm gonna give it to you straight." "You can tell them who supplied you with the weed... and you can walk out of here clean... or they're going to charge you with possession of a narcotic... and intent to sell." "I'm not a rat, Phil." "I don't have any choice." "What you gonna do?" "I'll just go to Florida." "Just a little sooner than later." "You listen to me." "If you are convicted of a felony... you will never be eligible to skate again competitively." "Never." "No regionals and no nationals." "Nothing." "You hear me, J.C.?" "I have many big-time investors just dying to get on board." "He'll get his money." "No problem." "Yeah." "OK." "Yeah." "No, of course I would not lie to comrade." "Something wrong, Yuri?" "All that money, and still so tightfisted!" "I'm not sure what that's all about... but this is the skater to beat-- Sato Hakawa." "How do you reconcile your feelings... with the cutthroat nature of skating?" "All this time, I've been explaining... figure skating's dazzling majesty... and you confuse us with ice hockey?" "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Professor Robinson... but unlike corrupt sports, skating nurtures the soul." "It certainly gives me an unrelenting sense of joy." "That's good." "Yes." "That's very good." "Mrs. Tilman, have you seen... strange-looking Russian man at rink today?" "Only you, Yuri." "Yeah." "You know, you should seriously consider investing in" "Get away from me." "Yeah." "Have you seen Mr. Hand?" "He was supposed to be here four hours ago." "He didn't even show up at all yesterday." "Damn, girl, you so tight." "Damn, girl" "Can you believe this shit?" "It's like one of those "women in prison" movies." "Any minute now, Tina-- Big Tina, the horny warden-- is gonna try and goose me in the shower stall." "Have you decided what you're gonna do?" "Hell, yeah. I'll say, "Take your hands off, bitch."" "No, I mean about getting out of here." "Let's see. I can snitch and ruin my reputation... and lose every friend I've ever had... or I can spend the rest of my life in prison... and destroy any chance of competing... in the one thing that I do well, really well." "And thanks to Tina... at this point, I'm screwed either way." "Where'd you get those cigarettes?" "Phil." "He snuck them in this Bible." "Have you ever read this thing?" "Some wild shit goes on in here." "J.C.'s got a lot of common sense." "She knows the realities of her situation." "Are you saying that you don't think... she's capable of winning the regionals?" "I'm saying this is not a sport that embraces diversity." "The bar is set a lot higher for her." "Then why does she practice all day... and then go out and party all night?" "You know what?" "If you'd been through... everything that girl's been through..." "She could be a champ... if she just pushed a little harder, but... we all make our own choices in life." "My God." "Yuri." "What?" "What happened?" "It's you." "You sure you're not K.G.B... come to spy on famous gold medalist, huh?" "Maybe not, eh?" "Yeah." "I bet "Hard Copy" would pay big bucks for this story." "What's going on here?" "Who did that to you?" "What?" "Did what?" "Did you know that every judge is a virgin?" "Excuse me?" "That's right-- every hymen intact... every chubby uninitiated, because purity attracts purity." "We're a sport of the innocent." "We're all innocent, clean as a whistle." "It's like a high colonic." "It just shoots right through you." "Look." "Look at that." "is beautiful." "That is what figure skating is all about." "Excellent form... smooth lines, supple movement." "Man, I would like to bang her." "Shit. I forgot about you." "Look, gentlemen..." "Veda's at a doctor's appointment... so you're gonna have to come back." "That's OK, Mrs. Tilman." "We'd love to ask you some more questions." "I told you to stay upstairs until they were gone." "I've got other houses to go to." "She got in!" "What's up?" "Excuse me." "That's personal." "You're right." "Excuse us." "But Veda got into the Culinary Institute." "Congratulations." "No, she wasn't accepted." "She was rejected." "This is a rejection letter." "No, that's an acceptance letter." "That is gonna give Veda... the opportunity she's been dreaming about." "No, it won't." "If you want something, then you have to dedicate... your entire life to it." "And my daughter is not going to cooking school." "You should see the crap they serve here." "This slop makes Chuckwagon look good." "And don't even get me started on the sanitary napkins." "God forbid anybody should have a tampon in this place!" "You know what?" "I don't want to interrupt... but you've only got two days left... before you're gonna be disqualified from the regionals." "No shit?" "I wish my dad was here." "He was always so clear on shit like this." "Do your homework, or you'll flunk out of school." "Drink my last beer, you're buying me a new six-pack." "Who cares anyway?" "People like me don't go to the Olympics, right?" "Yeah." "Fuck it." "What did you say?" "I didn't say anything." "Then who said it?" "I promise you, I have no idea what you're talking about." "Look, man, I am showering with my clothes on... and eating dog food." "Don't fuck with me." "She sits in that jail cell much longer... she'll be disqualified." "For God's sake!" "Jimmy." "Who is friend?" "Who's my friend?" "I'll tell you who she is." "It's a friggin' piggy doll!" "Some sick individual broke into my house... and put her in my friggin' bed, Yuri!" "No kidding?" "Yeah." "That's it." "I can't take this anymore." "I'm quitting the fatty." "Hey, Mr. Hand." "I missed you yesterday and the day before that... and the day before that." "You're a really nice girl and all, but" "This really has to wait." "Just wait till you see my new jump." "Please." "We need to talk--What new jump?" "Just hold on." "Let me just show you." "Nobody listens to me." "A triple?" "Fatty's got a triple?" "What?" "Let me have doll." "Here you go." "Knock yourself out." "Yeah!" "Nice job!" "Veda, no triple yet." "How important is a triple?" "It's essential. lt's what everybody wants to see." "It's like having cherries jubilee without the cherries." "It just isn't the same." "People are really disappointed... when they don't get the cherries." "OK, go get 'em." "You're out." "God. lt's good to see you." "These nic fits are killing me!" "You quit smoking?" "Smoking, drinking, partying-- anything that was any fun, I quit." "I got a job to do now... and it starts with me winning regionals." "That's great." "What changed your mind?" "The voice, man." "Excuse me?" "That voice I heard in prison." "It said that some chumps are useless... but that I belong in competitive figure skating... that I am entitled to the dream... and the medals and the fan clubs... and the leather miniskirts." "God said you were entitled to a leather miniskirt?" "Yes, God said I was entitled to a leather miniskirt." "Don't leave can on rail!" "That's a pretty odd story J.C. is telling, isn't it?" "Odd?" "Let me tell you what is odd." "When person can turn into police own sister." "Huh?" "Odd?" "That's harsh." "Brutal!" "Brutal!" "Housing scandals, drug lords, postoperative transsexuals-- have you ever heard of any of those things in skating?" "Of course not." "We leave the pipe bombs... and the sheep cloning to the desperate and confused." "Only the purest individuals... hear figure skating's genetic call." "Help us, Ricky." "Help us defeat the vulgar and unskilled." "You can do it." "Rid them from our midst." "You can do it." "I really appreciate this ride to the competition." "It's lucky for us-- an opportunity for more questions." "How long did you say this ride was?" "One more question." "Welcome, ladies." "Practice sessions will begin at three o'clock... at the Iceland Skating Rink." "The Iceland Skating Rink... is located directly behind this building." "The locker rooms are located in the back of the rink." "Do not--l repeat-- do not be late... as your music will only be played once... ln five, four, three, two..." "Hello. I'm Janet Bellamy... winner of the 1981 Golden Horn award... three-time second-place winner... of the Ladies National Novice Championships." "Today I'm here with Veda Tilman... her coach Bradley Bryce, and Veda's mother" "Mildred Tilman." "As a former champion myself, I'm well aware... of the pressures one faces in competitions such as these." "Tell us, Veda, how does it feel... to enter this competition as a favorite?" "A favorite?" "You mean, the favorite." "Actually, I meant exactly what I said, "a favorite."" "I'm extremely confident about winning tonight." "I've spent every minute of the last seven years... preparing for the Olympics, so this competition... is really just a stepping stone for me." "My." "Seven years." "That's a lot of time." "And that's great to hear." "But don't get too cocky." "Competitions like this can cause... even the most talented young woman to choke... like an asthmatic in a pollen storm." "Apparently you haven't been reading... our local papers, Ms. Bellamy." "They clearly state that Veda is tonight's favorite." "Of course I've read the local papers." "Read them ever since I was the Golden Horn champion." "But back then, writers couldn't be bought... like cheap whores the way they can today." "How dare you?" "Veda, come here." "And jujj." "OK." "How do you feel about tonight?" "Feeling good." "Yeah, yeah." "Feeling real good, plenty good." "Hi!" "Me and Mr. Hand are at regionals." "This is so exciting!" "It will be a lot more exciting... when you're clutching that Golden Horn." "You seem pretty sure of yourself." "Yeah, and why not?" "You're only as good as your coach, right?" "And I have given Wendy the gift of the magic three-- discipline, respect for me, and a triple." "Does that mean you're not concerned at all... about the judges possibly discriminating... against Wendy because of her weight?" "Didn't you hear me?" "She's got a triple." "I want you to go out there and throw a couple of triples... in front of the judges table, all right?" "Anything you say, Mr. Hand." "He's here!" "Kissing up to the judges is almost as important... as being able to lace up your skates." "By the end of the evening... three of us will have been offered new cars." "We'll all have gotten those, you know, bean things." "And at least two of us... will have been sexually propositioned by a skater... or her mother." "Or both." "Yeah, and one of us will have accepted." "is everything all right?" "Oh, yeah. I think she got the point." "And if not, I'll just have to ram... that Golden Horn up her butt." "This is competitive, like we said." "So smooth." "So graceful." "I'm so jealous." "She's too perfect." "She doesn't even have hips." "Hope you didn't eat before this." "They say she's the next Sonia Henie." "You mean you've never seen Sato Hakawa skate?" "No, we haven't." "It's like she came out of nowhere." "How are you feeling?" "I'll be fine." "I'm sure you will be." "We're behind you a hundred percent here." "I'm just wondering that, you know..." "What happens in the unlikely event... that you do not win tonight's competition?" "Will you continue skating, or will you just abandon... everything you've been working for-- the professional skating tours, the product endorsements... the lifelong dream of becoming an Olympic gold medalist?" "I don't know what I'll do." "I spent the last seven years doing nothing but skating." "The only other thing I care about... in this whole entire world is cooking... and I didn't get accepted into the Culinary Institute." "is that what your mother told you?" "Yes." "She said they sent a horrible letter... saying I showed no promise as a chef... that I wasn't even worthy... of the fryolator at Carl's Junior." "That is simply not true." "I saw that letter." "That was an acceptance letter." "You have been accepted into the Culinary Institute." "How could you tease me like that?" "That's a horrible thing to do." "My mother gave you creeps free pie!" "She did, and it was good, but the fact of the matter is... is that your mother lied to you." "My mother wouldn't lie to me." "I have it on tape." "I can show you the letter." "You're in." "How could you lie to me?" "The Culinary Institute accepted me... and you lied about it!" "Just spare me the hysterics and get ready." "You don't care, do you?" "You're just gonna... push me around for the rest of my life!" "If you are so excited about skating... you get your lard ass out there... and do it yourself, but I'm through." "I have had enough of this fascist lifestyle!" "Stop it!" "What are you trying to do, kill me?" "No, but I want to live." "By the way..." "You weren't the only one sleeping with the gardener!" "l like gardening." "So do I." "Please." "What is the real difference... between a 4.6 or a 4.8 anyway?" "I'll tell you." "It's a bad attitude." "Or chunky thighs." "Or maybe I don't like the way she does her hair." "How I hate bad hair." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 59th annual..." "Regional Women's Figure Skating Competition." "First up, from City of industry... is Mary Page Parker." "That's a double-toe, double-lutz combination." "Very impressive." "Polly want a cracker?" "And now they're gonna come in with the scores." "It's a 4.3 for technical merit, a 4.2 for artistic merit." "But obviously, I guess, they were hoping for more." "Samantha Samuels." "What a terrific musical selection." "It's a real crowd-pleaser." "I didn't see the movie." "Iceberg straight ahead!" "It's your fault!" "It's all your fault!" "You!" "Oy vey." "Not again." "Ouch." "Don't need a calculator to figure out that one." "Buffy Burke." "It seems that talent and mother nature... have combined to thrust Buffy Burke into the lead." "And here comes Wendy Wodinski." "Now maybe she can score... and raise the stakes against Buffy Burke." "OK, set up." "Nice." "Wendy's really in top form tonight." "She's more inspiring and far more accomplished... than all the other skaters we've seen thus far." "OK." "Triple, triple." "Holy cow!" "And I mean that." "Excellent." "She nailed every move!" "She threw a triple!" "Fat girl punishment." "Who cares if she is flabby... chunky, chubby, tubby, hefty, or fat!" "She is still the best skater here!" "If you can't see that, then you're idiots!" "Because I'll tell you something." "Wendy Wodinski is the best skater you've got here." "She is the most talented, most joyful, most beautiful..." "Skater in the whole wide region." "It looks like Wendy's got her hands full... but Buffy Burke is still in the lead... and without Veda Tilman here to challenge her... the only people standing... between Buffy and the Golden Horn... are J.C. Cain and Sato Hakawa." "J.C. Cain." "Nice combination!" "You know how to pick a winner from the crowd?" "She's the one that keeps trying." "I'm number one!" "Amazing!" "J.C. Cain, the toilet-scrubbing tuna girl is number one!" "Thanks, Phil, for standing by me... especially since my dad got canned." "I couldn't have done it without you." "Fuck!" "Sato Hakawa." "Thank the Lord the Asians weren't around... when I was skating." "When's the last time you saw a Polish girl... with a body like that?" "Triple." "Another triple!" "Unbelievable." "It's a perfect score!" "I thought I had it, man." "Second's worth shit." "The awards ceremony will take place in five minutes." "I'm Janet Bellamy." "I'm the 1981 Golden Horn champion." "Of course, you wouldn't know me... but I'm just a major fan of yours." "I can recite your entire gold-medal program." "At last..." "woman with cultivation." "Would you like to touch my gold medal?" "This is where we do the drugs." "Actually, it's where we do the diet pills." "We go into this secret room, and nobody knows where we are." "Penis!" "Penis!" "What's causing the delay?" "How much longer is my kid gonna wait for her medal?" "I hate it when this happens." "This is an outrage!" "It's a disgrace!" "Shut up!" "There's nothing in the guidelines about this." "It can't be true." "She's perfect." "There's only one way to find out." "I'm not going there." "No way." "No." "Go." "Come on." "Oh, man." "I hate when I have to do this." "Forget about the hand job, pal!" "Hey, folks, enough!" "It's a boy." "Ladies and gentlemen... due to the disqualification of Miss..." "Mr. Sato Hakawa... this year's Golden Horn award goes to..." "Miss J.C. Cain!" "Thank you." "On behalf of Georgio's Pleasure Emporium... the official sponsor for the Regional Competition... it is my great pleasure... to present this year's Golden Horn award" "Thank you, honey." "You're welcome." "To Miss J.C. Cain." "Thanks." "Hungry?" "She could have been a champion." "You saw that." "But she threw it away... threw it in my face, the ungrateful bitch." "So, I just cut back the rosebush and then" "Wipe your damn shoes before you come in this house!" "You have a problem?" "Stupid!" "How do you like her?" "We got her last month at a police auction." "Wendy's dad helped fix her up for a wedding present." "We're taking her cross-country for our ice Jolly tours." "Some of the best large-boned skaters... in the country, all ignored by the skating establishment." "Fat girls...skating their hearts out for you." "It really is a moving experience." "Pizza." "OK, ladies." "Pizza's here!" "Everybody gets one." "Here we go." "There you go." "Lisa, you got one?" "OK, everybody, say good-bye, girls." "Good-bye!" "Every season... a whole new group of skaters come in here... all of them looking for that same gold medal." "They learn the jumps, and they learn the routines." "Pretty soon, they figure it out." "The jumps aren't really hard to do." "You just got to believe that you can do it." "You just got to believe." "Most of them, they find their own way through... but some... some of them just need a little extra...push." "And you can't deny a voice like that!" "You can't!" "You have to listen when it says..." "Chastity, sit-spin." "Beware of the overpermed hair." "You must listen." "You must follow light... figure skating's brilliant light... because if you don't, it's night sweats... nausea, D.T.s, D.T.s, baby." "Do you think that this is a brain on drugs?" "No!" "This is an entire friggin' life... in figure skating!"