"Oh, please, God, no." "Okay." "Wow." "Yes." "That was really good." " I'm still working on it." " No, it's beautiful." "Don't make fun of me." "I'm not making fun." "You have a guitar." "It's a bass." "It's the instrument of love." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Okay, I gotta go." "You've made me late like six times already." "Three times." "I've stayed over at your place three times." "Okay, three times." "I love your place, by the way." "Yeah, right." "Don't front." "You know it's a dump." "I'm not fronting." "I genuinely like it here." "Wait..." "You have two of these?" "I don't remember this one." "It's my scapular." "What's that?" "It's for good luck." "I used to wear it all the time, but then I stopped for some reason." "I don't know." "Guess I'm feeling lucky again." "Oh, fuck." "I really..." "I have to go." " I gotta go to work." " No, you can't go now." "Really?" "Why not?" "Oh." "Good morning." "You gotta stop." "You gotta stop." "I'm not doing anything." "Okay, you know what?" "Fuck... you have a really nice penis." "You have an incredible penis, but I've got to go to work." "Oh, you have to be a good little boy, all right." "Fuck you." "I gotta go." "I'll see you soon." "Bye." "Oh, fuck yeah." "Oh." "Okay, okay." "Relax, you just took a shower." "Okay." "Oh, fuck." "Ohh." "Oh, man." "I really want to fuck you." "Will you let me fuck you?" "I don't really have..." "Oh, fuck, can you stop?" "I'm gonna come." "I don't want to come yet." "Oh, fuck." "I'm gonna come." "No no no." "Oh, fuck." "I'm coming." "Did you have pineapple yesterday?" "Why?" "I can still taste your, uh..." "Come on." "Seriously?" "I gave you the three-second warning, so you can't blame me." "I don't mean it as a bad thing." "I'm just saying." "What, you don't do that?" "Not on purpose." "Not on an empty stomach." "Thank you." "I think I just get nervous 'cause it's not 100% safe." "I get that it's pretty safe, but you never know." "Oh." "What?" "You think I'm a puto." "I... what is that?" "A guy who fucks around with a lot of guys, swallows a lot of cum." "Oh." "Are you?" "I'm just paranoid." "I sneeze and I think I've got HIV." "I get tested all the time even though I'm incredibly safe." "So why do you get tested?" "You know, just to be 100% sure." "My last boyfriend was positive." "Really?" "Don't worry." "I'm not." "Weren't you freaked out?" "Dating someone that, you know...?" "Yeah, a little." "But I loved him, so what are you gonna do?" "You just deal." "Right." "I don't do that often, by the way." "Do what?" "This morning." "I don't know." "I couldn't help myself." "Oh, shit." "I gotta go." "I gotta get the bill." " You gotta go?" " Yeah, I gotta get to work." "Oh, come on." "Let's split it." " I got it." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " All right." "Oh my God." " They've got "Goonies" cards." " Really?" "Yeah, that's like my favorite movie of all time." "I never saw it." "Are you serious?" "Oh my God, I was in love with Sean Astin as kid." "Come on, One-Eyed Willy, Chunk?" ""Hey, you guys."" "You have to see the movie to get how incredible that impression was." " That was pretty adorable." " Thank you." "I'm gonna get you one." "No, they're five bucks." "Five bucks for 20-year-old gum?" "Jeez." "Look, that was the guy." "That's the picture of the guy I was just doing." "He had a weird ear like this." "That's the face you made this morning." "Shut up." "Oh my God." "Okay." "You can't tell me that that little boy is not completely hot." "I wanted to make out with him so bad when I was younger." "I used to have braces like that when I was little." "Really?" "Let me see your teeth." "No." "Why?" "I don't like them." "They used to call me El Dientes" " when I was little." " They did?" "Oh, now you have to show me." " No." " Come on, smile." "Come on, show me those pearly whites." "Give me a smile, come on." " No." " Oh, see?" "You have beautiful teeth." "You need to smile more often." " I'll try." " Okay." "What?" "I don't know." "Look what we're finding out about each other." "Neither of us has AIDS, you doing like your teeth, you have bad taste in movies." " No, I don't." " You do." "All right, you know what?" "I'm gonna make a call right now." "To work." "Yeah?" "Oh, God." "It's too much pressure now." "It's like New Year's Eve." "Let me choose." "All right, you can choose, but it's gotta be something I want to do." "I'm not skipping work unless we do something great." "Okay." "I know where we're going." "Yeah?" "Where?" "You'll just have to wait and see." " You're not gonna tell me?" " Nope." "All right, well, it better be good." "I want to know... about the first time you were with a guy." "Oh, why do you want to know that?" "'Cause I want to know." " You don't want to tell me?" " No, I'll tell you." "I was 15." "15." "I would have been into you at 15." "Oh, no no no." "My balls hadn't dropped yet, and I was seriously chunky." " Me too." " You were?" "Oh, yeah." "I was big." "Oh, good." "I love that." "I love ex-fatties." "I feel like they're always nicer people." "Um..." "So picture this, we're on the way back from computer camp..." " Sexy." " Yeah, so sexy, right?" "Coming from Salt Lake City, and I'm on the back of the bus with Greg Reynolds, who had gone through puberty at nine, and had a hairy chest." "He was like a real stud." "Straight?" "I don't know." "We both had girlfriends, so who's to say?" "But we're sitting on the bus, talking about computer stuff." "There's a big blanket over us, and at one point, he takes my hand and puts it on his enormous penis." " Hot." "That's hot." " Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "And he let you jerk him off?" "Did he cum?" "In my hand." "Before we got to the Colorado border which I remember, because I was relieved that it happened in Utah and not on my home state." "Like it made a difference or something." "I don't know." "It was so stupid." "That's hot." "I like that." "Yeah." "We're such tourists!" "What, are you gonna take me boating on the lake?" "Are we going to the AIDS memorial?" "Or we could... the buffalo?" "Are we seeing the buffalo?" "Oh my God." "Will you stop talking?" "I'm not good with silences, just so you know." "I went on a date once with a guy and we ran out of things to say before the appetizers, and it was horrible." "So we're doing good?" "Yeah." "This is much better than that one." "The universe has long captivated us..." "Okay." "I love it." "It's probably my favorite place in the whole city." "Really?" "I used to go to planetariums all the time with my mother, before she sent me back to Mexico." "Why'd you go to Mexico?" "I don't know." "She sent me there 'cause she thought it'd be good for me, but then it wasn't so I came back." "We would get hot dogs too." "Mmm." "I was a fat kid, remember?" "That's right." "Oh, and there's a song too." "There's a song?" "It's educational." "Will you sing it to me?" "Please?" "Yeah..." "I can't believe I remember that." "How does it go?" "What does it say?" "It was like the planets." "Yeah." "No, not..." "What?" "This is sort of like when Ross took Rachel on their date." "Oh my God, it totally is." "I want to be Ross." "You mean Rachel?" "No, you're the one that's crazy into hair, and I'm the geek." "Yeah, but I thought she's kind of like the boss, which is kind of like the top." "Okay, then you got one on me there." "So I thought... 'cause you wouldn't let me fuck you?" "Yeah, well." "It was kind of a surprise, to be honest." "Oh my God." "Why does everybody think that?" "What is it about my ass that screams out "I want to be fucked"?" "You don't have to be ashamed." " I'm not ashamed." " Whatever." "It's totally fine if you're not into it." "No, it's not that I'm not into it." "I'm not sure I like it very much." "I mean, it feels kind of weird." "Weird how?" "Well..." "I can get it in, but pretty much as soon as it's in," "I'm like "Take it out, take it out, take it out", take it out, take it out."" "You think you'd be embarrassed if your parents thought you were a bottom?" "No." "Mmm... no." "Okay." "Okay, maybe a little bit." "I thought so." "You have bottom shame." "Oh my God, I think you're right." "I think so." "Why?" "What are you...?" "Those terms are for people on websites." "How do you know what you're into with a guy sexually until you're with them?" " Really?" " Yeah." "I mean, you gotta be adaptable." "Otherwise, you're gonna miss out." "I do hate to miss out." "That being said," "I probably, usually am Rachel." "Oh, I knew it." "You Rachel." "Wait, which one is that again?" "I forget." "Oh, right." "She's the boss." "She's the top, she's the top." "Right, well... good to know." "Oh my God." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "He'd come over every week and try to turn us Mormon." " What?" " My mother was Catholic though, so she wasn't gonna turn," " but she loved to argue about God." " How old were you?" "13, 14, maybe?" "That is young." "Yeah, he was older too." "18, I think?" " Wow." " He was beautiful." "He used to wear these white starch shirts." "And his hair was perfect." "He was completely gay..." "Maybe he's what got you into hair." "Maybe he's what got me into white boys." "I wanted to have sex with him so bad." "I gave him a blowjob in my bedroom while my mother was cooking dinner downstairs." "Oh my God." "Are you serious?" "Jesus Christ, when you were 14?" "Wow." "Did you swallow his cum?" "I'm kidding." "You don't have to answer that." "Oh, he'd come over every week until my mom caught on, and then it was over." "Did she freak out?" "I think she was just happy I didn't turn Mormon." "My father though, that was a completely different story." "He didn't take it so well." "How badly did he take it?" "Mmm." "Just badly." "Is he okay now?" "Not really." "What are you gonna do?" "This is so good." "Mmm." "This hit the spot." "I should not have gotten a veggie dog, it's disgusting." "I told you." "Well, it had been a really crappy Thanksgiving because I'd been thinking about telling my mom the whole time, but I just couldn't do it." "And then I finally did it on the way to the airport in the car." "Because I thought if we were in the car, she wouldn't have to look me in the eye." "What did she say?" "Well, we didn't crash, so that was a good start." "But she did manage to make it all about her, though." ""Why do these things always happen to me?"" "What am I gonna tell your father?" ""What are we gonna tell Keith and Marie from next door?"" "Keith and Marie?" "Fucking Keith and Marie." "You have no idea." "And then she calls me up the next day, and she says "I've talked about it with your father, and we're fine."" "That's good, right?" "Yeah, I guess so." "But we've never really talked about it since then." "I mean, we talk about it a little bit, but not really." "And we definitely never talk about relationships." "Has she ever met any of your boyfriends?" "Boyfriend." "I've only had one." "Oh, okay." "Did she meet him?" "No." "He really wanted to meet her, 'cause he's one of those kids with PFLAG parents," " but he never met mine." " PFLAG?" "Yeah, it's like parents of lesbi..." "I don't know, it's like if you love gays." "But I don't know." "I feel like I don't want to know my parents' sex life, so why do they need to know about mine?" "You know your parents meeting one of your boyfriends has nothing to do with your sex life." "Yeah, no, I know." "It's more about them meeting the person that you love..." " Yes." "No, I get it." "I get it..." " You care about, share everything with." "I don't know." "I feel like for parents, though, it is about the sex." "Even if they are meeting a boyfriend, they're just imagining that dick up your ass." "Your parents are obsessed with sex, I think." "Maybe." "I think anyone's is." "You're like "I'm gay,"" "and they're like "Oh, so you're butt-fucking now?"" "I like that San Francisco is a place where gay sailors used to come after they got discharged from the Navy." "You know?" "It's like imagine if they knew that one day they'd be able to get married right here on the beach." " It's crazy, huh?" " Yeah." "Do you want to get married?" "Why, are you asking?" "Is that what this is?" "I mean, hypothetically, do you want to get married?" "I don't know." "Do you?" "Well, I know I don't want to be like one of those crazies who goes on two drunken dates like in "Badlands,"" "and runs to city hall, but yeah, I think so." "Me too." "But then I think about my sister." "She moved here to be with her boyfriend, and now she's getting married." " That's awesome." " Yeah, but I don't know if she really wanted to get married or if it's just because she felt pressure from everybody else to." "And now we've got to deal with that pressure." "You think your mother would be happy if you were married?" "I don't know." "That's the thing." "I think she would." "She likes everything to be normal." "And even if I were getting married to a guy, it would still make me just like everybody else." "You worry about so much." "You don't?" "I worry about... getting a paycheck, paying my rent..." "Not the big stuff?" "That's what I got my señora for." " Your what?" " My señora." "Is that your grandma?" "That's my abuela." "Wait, so the señora, she rubs eggs all over your body and then cracks them into a bowl?" " Yep." " Is she making a frittata?" "No." "She reads the yolk and tells you if they are, like, bad vibes." "Do they have to be organic eggs?" "Then she reads the cards." "Okay, and tells you what?" "Well, last time she told me that" "I would have no money, but that I'd be happy." " Okay." " Oh, and that I was gonna get cancer." "But I was also gonna have kids." "She told you you were gonna have cancer?" "That's so intense." "How many kids?" "Two." "Two girls." "How much does she charge for this?" " 50 bucks." " 50 bucks?" "Wow." "No wonder she told you you're not gonna have any money." "Look, we all have our things that sound dumb to others." "It helps me, okay?" "Some people have pills, other people have drugs." "Yeah, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but isn't like taking responsibility out of your hands?" " No, no." " And worse than that, putting it into somebody else's?" "You don't have to listen to her." "Yeah, but the seed is planted." "How often do you go?" "Whenever I have something to ask her." "Have you been since you met me?" "No." "I don't believe you." " I haven't." " Okay." "Okay, well let's say that you went since you met me." "What would you ask her?" "I don't have anything that I want to ask her." "What do you think she'd say about me?" "Let's just... let's just stop talking about this." "We came all this way." "Let's just enjoy the view." "Okay." "It's nice." "It is nice, I told you." "Does she supply her own eggs?" "I mean, I don't want to go, but I want to know if she supplies her own eggs." "Oh my God." "Does she?" "No, we have to bring them." "So what's she gonna ask me?" "Nothing." "She's gonna read your cards, and then you have to ask the questions." "Wait, I ask the questions?" "You didn't tell me that." "What kind of questions?" "Whatever you want to know about." "You can ask about the future," " about the past." " The future." "You can ask her about us." "If we're good together." "I know you want to know that." "Oh, God." "I suddenly got very nervous." "Why?" "I don't know." "I'm freaking out." "I got goose bumps." "Maybe you're afraid she'll see the real you in there." "What if she says something terrible, like I'm a bad person?" "Are you?" "Oh my God, why is she so upset?" " Si, señora." " Buenos tardes." "What'd she say?" "She says she'll be right with us." "Okay." "Oh." "You don't know Spanish." "I... el sacapuntas es rojo." "The pencil sharpener is red?" "Is red, yeah." "And I can count to 13." "And I can tell her I want to fuck her mother." "Yeah, you probably shouldn't do that." "No, probably not." "Maybe I can translate." "You're gonna translate?" "So she's gonna tell you all the terrible things first?" "I don't think I'm okay with that." "Si, señora." "Gracias." "Do you think we should leave?" "I don't know." "What do you think?" "I mean, we got the eggs." "Thanks for making me stay in there." " I think it was the right choice." " Yeah." "I think you're right." "Thanks for today." "It was fun." "Yeah, it was nice just to hang out." "Can I tell you something?" "Of course." "I was sort of thinking about it today, and I think it might be cool with me if you..." "You want me to fuck you?" "Yeah." " Okay." " But not today." "Oh." "I feel like maybe I opened up enough today." "If you know what I mean." "But I do." "I want you to." "I promise." "Pato, it's fine." "I know." "I just, I wanted you to know." "Do you want to fuck me instead?" "Fuck yeah."