"*" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "hi." "Hi." "So..." "Who's Julia?" "She joined the firm about two months ago." "Really senior, really High up." "Yeah, and..." "And amazing." "Gorgeous!" "Like Alison from the red lion." "Only more eyes." "More eyes?" "Amazing eyes, top-of-the-range eyes." "But just two, Jeff." "You haven't seen them, Steve." "It's like..." "She's got hundreds." "Right." "Oh, and her breasts... ( panting ) Steve...her breasts." "I take it she's got breasts?" "Covered in 'em." "So who is it?" "I'm not saying." "But it's someone from the office, then?" "I'm not telling you." "Oh, describe him." "He's...edible." "( chuckling ) so, there was a cupboard incident?" "What happened?" "Nothing happened..." "Nothing." "Nothing?" "Absolutely nothing..." "Ish." "And...i just thought i could kiss this man." "And did you?" "Well, you know how sometimes you just don't." "No." "No." "No." "Okay..." "You know, it's someone at work." "And someone really junior to me." "Is it ever really acceptable to kiss someone in those circumstances?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay." "Kevin from the photocopy place." "Kevin, yes." "Put him down." "Sorry?" "Different conversation." "So who is this guy?" "Tell us." "No way am i telling you." "All right." "Well, at least tell us if you kissed him or not." "Well..." "Sorry." "Why did you do that?" "I'm sorry." "I-i just..." "I'm really sorry." "That was the wrong thing to do, wasn't it?" "Um...yeah." "Yes, it was." "I should've, um..." "You know..." "Flossed." "Asked." "Well, you know, both." "I hope it wasn't too dreadful for you." "Maybe you don't have to moisten quite so much." "Right." "Thank you." "G-good tip." "It's just a thought." "I'll bear it in mind." "You were at the canteen today, weren't you?" "Yes." "I was at the next table." "I didn't think you'd noticed me." "I didn't, actually." "But I'd know that lasagna anywhere." "Hey...hey." "No?" "Lasagna?" "( laughing ) that's terrible." "That's awful." "That exact thing happened to me once." "And it was lasagna with me, too." "It's my worst ever memory." "He just went off laughing?" "Oh, my God." "No!" "None of that actually happened." "I never kissed him." "Oh." "That was what was going through my mind." "That's why i didn't kiss him." "Oh, i see." "Of course." "Hang on." "That lasagna thing didn't happen to me either." "It was..." "Somebody else." "I remembered it by mistake." "So you didn't kiss him." "What did happen?" "Well..." "N.a.t." "What?" "Couldn't be certain." "It was very slight, but i think there was detectable n.a.t." "Detectable what?" "The first step along the path to the forest of woman." "The first signpost along the road to intimate squelching." "N.a.t.?" "Nose avoidance tilting." "Sorry..." "What are you doing?" "Why did you do that?" "I'm really, really sorry." "You kissed me." "You touched me with your mouth." "It was an accident." "You kissed me." "You did!" "No!" "I was just moving my mouth in your general area, and it...snagged." "I can't believe this." "This is horrible!" "Oh, my God!" "Were you thinking of putting your tongue in?" "No!" "No!" "Not my tongue!" "You were!" "You were thinking of putting your tongue in!" "Boss:" "All right." "What's going on here?" "It's Jeff." "He...kissed me." "Jeff kissed you?" "That's disgusting!" "I think he was going to put his tongue in!" "His tongue!" "What's happening?" "Jeff's kissed someone!" "Oh, my God!" "And he was going to put his tongue in!" "His tongue?" "!" "It's not true!" "I never use my tongue on people!" "It's just for stamps and emergencies." "We'll take over from here." "We're bringing in Jeff murdoch." "He kissed a woman." "Radio dispatch:" "S she okay?" "!" "We were only just in time." "He was about to put his tongue in." "Woman:" "Your tongue-- you were actually thinking, actually contemplating-- no!" "No!" "What makes you think any woman alive would want your hideous, your revolting, your disgusting tongue!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry what?" "I'm sorry, mother!" "Let's do it!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "That's what you thought would happen if you kissed her?" "You think if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?" "I know." "Mothers, eh?" "So you didn't kiss her, then?" "Didn't you find your mother would always turn up in your bedroom doorway at the worst possible moment and say, "oh, Jeffrey!"" "Yeah, well, not being called Jeffrey..." ""Oh, Jeffrey!"" "Always so disappointed." "Anyway, moving on." "She didn't really have a miniature guillotine, you know." "I'm sure she was making that up." "Leaving your mother behind for a moment..." ""Oh, Jeffrey!"" "Jeff, concentrate!" "Focus." "You, Julia, the cupboard." "What happened?" "I'd better just..." "Yeah, of course." "Better be going." "Sure, yeah." "Let me, um..." "Oh, thank you." "Well, bye, then." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Um..." "Didn't you want to come out of the cupboard, too?" "No, no, um..." "I thought i might stay for a bit..." "A couple of minutes." "I don't want to, um, you know, rush it." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "( exhales deeply ) excellent." "Not bad at all." "Nice one." "What?" "Well, by your standards." "You didn't accidentally tell her you're an ax-murderer." "Or you've got a wooden leg." "Or you collect women's ears in a bucket." "You ol' devil." "What are you talkin' about?" "She thinks I'm a cupboard loiterer." "Oh, come on, Jeff." "At least you're a biped who doesn't kill people." "That's a big step forward." "I'm nearly 30, you know." "What?" "I'm not 15." "By now, i should be able to talk to a woman without accidentally saying "nipples" or "gusset."" "Or--or did you know you can make candles out of human fat?" "I thought you were already 30." "Yeah, i thought you were 30." "Even when I'm getting solid n.a.t., i can't do anything." "Do you know what that's like?" "Imagine what my boys must be thinking?" "They must've given up hope." "Steve:" "I'm sorry?" "Your boys?" "Yeah, my boys." "My swimmers." "My landing party." "By any chance are you referring to your..." "Spermatozoa?" "Exactly." "I am a prison for sperms." "Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff murdoch's groin." "And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place." "I'm sure you always lend a hand." "Well, yeah, there's that, but..." "You know, that's not what the boys are wanting, is it?" "They want to think they're going somewhere when they go." "I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's, "oh, no, daylight!"" "I'm so hopeless at all this." "I'm fine in real life." "You certainly are." "You've got half the office terrified of you." "The moment i see a guy i like, I'm complete rubbish." "I'm like a different person." "My brain melts and my breasts stick out." "Breasts?" "Every time." "Can't stop them." "See a nice bloke and wham there they are, like man-activated air bags." "If i ever meet my ideal guy, I'll flatten him against a wall." "I know!" "Nice arse bloke from the coffee place." "Oh, nice arse, yes." "You ask him." "You know what he looks like from the front." "Guys, we're trying to organize a party." "Not a bloke market." "Susan..." "You really are in a relationship now, aren't you?" "You said we could bring people." "Yeah, a couple of people." "Maybe even women people." "No, we don't want too many women people." "Don't want too much competition." "Bad party ecology." "Too many predators grazing the herd." "Exactly." "What do you mean, your brain melts?" "I open my mouth and complete rubbish comes out." "Men can't get anywhere near me for all the rubbish I'm talking." "In the world of romance, I'm an impregnable fortress." "No chance of invasion." "Julia can come to the party!" "Thing is, I'm bound to see this guy again." "How do i handle it?" "What do i say?" "Naked." "Sorry?" "You can program any man's libido by careful use of the word "naked."" "Just slip it subtly into the conversation every now and then." "It's a scientific fact if you say the word "naked," three or more times to any man, he has to cross his legs." "And at the other end of the female insanity spectrum," "Jane pretends to be bisexual with much the same result." "What do you mean "pretends"?" "Jane, are we supposed to believe there's a single woman out there that you've actually slept with?" "Waiter:" "Can i get you ladies anything?" "Um, a bottle of white wine, please." "Tommy, didn't you used to have table cloths here?" "I don't remember the table cloths being quite so naked." "Uh...i don't think so." "Maybe they were always naked." "But i like naked." "Aked'sgood." "Sorry." "Uh, what was that again?" "A bottle of white wine." "White wine." "Fifteen?" "What?" "I've slept with 15 women so far." "Of course, two of them were at the same time, but you know what those stewardesses are like." "I think it was the uniforms." "Uh..." "Sorry." "What was that again?" "Bottle of white wine." "White wine." "Of course..." "Uniforms?" "You mean they weren't naked?" "I didn't keep them naked the whole time, Sally." "That was just with you three." "Bottle of white wine." "Sorry." "These chairs are a bit uncomfortable." "It's our fault." "Oh!" "Should've worn underwear." "Red or white?" "Which, um..." "Floor are you going to?" "I'm not bothered." "Sorry?" "Uh..." "I'm just, you know, enjoying the lift." "Floor four?" "Yeah, nice." "Doors take ages to close." "Yeah..." "Did you press a button?" "No, they just do that." "Um..." "A--a floor button should close the door." "Oh, yes, of course." "Ha ha!" "Sorry." "I was just, um..." "Noticing your eyes." "My eyes?" "Yeah, just noticing them." "You've got the eyes of ten women." "What?" "Not in a jar!" "I wasn't accusing you!" "No, no." "I--i just mean your eyes are really nice." "Oh...thank you." "Thank you very much." "And that's a nice top." "Really nice." "Oh, do you think so?" "You look great in it, absolutely great." "Oh, thank you." "You look fantastic." "You should see me naked!" "Um..." "Just, uh..." "Just wondering..." "Do you ever go out?" "Yeah...yeah." "I--i go out." "( laughing nervously ) i go out, too." "Sometimes." "Great." "Now and then." "Out i go." "I'm, uh..." "I'm..." "I'm rubbish at asking people out, though." "Oh, so am i." "I'm rubbish at all that." "Are you?" "I say the stupidest things." "I put people off." "saystupidthings." "putpeopleoff ." "I'm 28 and no one can get near me for all the rubbish I'm talking!" "That's what I'm like." "That's exactly me!" "I'm an impregnable fortress." "I'm full of sperm!" "Okay." "You're ahead on staying stupid things now." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I--i didn't mean..." "No, that's okay." "I meant what i said before." "I--I'm rubbish at asking people out." "Well..." "I'm rubbish at being asked out." "Are you?" "Absolutely terrible." "Well, that's a coincidence." "It certainly is." "That's something we've really got in common." "Yes, that's spooky." "I mean, thank God, I'm not asking you out!" "Exactly!" "Thank God for that!" "Yeah, thank God." "Good ol' God." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay." "See ya later." "Yeah." "See ya." "( elevator Bell ) ah..." "Morning, Jeff." "Morning, Jeff." "Morning, Jeff." "Okay..." "For my boys." "Hi." "Do you want to go out and get a drink sometime?" "We could, uh..." "We could talk rubbish at each other and save two other people." "Steve." "What are you doin' here?" "Oh, you know, just popped 'round." "You never pop 'round!" "I just thought I'd drop in on Susan." "You know, surprise her." "W-what are you doing here?" "I didn't think you were allowed up on the posh floor." "Finally got 'round to asking Julia out." "It went really well." "She's not there." "Apart from that." "So this is her office then, eh?" "Nice..." "Hey!" "You can't come in here!" "Why not?" "It's her office." "What if she finds us?" "What will she do?" "Shout, "guards!" "Guards!"" "You're not supposed to be in somebody else's office." "Okay, well..." "Julia:" "I'll be with you in two minutes." "I'm just nipping to my office." "Ah!" "This is someone who likes you!" "N.a.t., remember?" "Julia:" "And tell that little worm, Graham, if he doesn't buck his ideas up, i will personally sell him to a glue factory!" "( whispering ) what are you doing?" "I'm 30 and i still end up in the girl's toilet!" "What's the matter with me?" "I don't know!" "Nobody knows that!" "Stephen Hawking doesn't know that!" "Julia:" "Hello?" "Is there someone in there?" "Ello?" "Oh!" "Uh, hello, Julia." "Jeff, is that you?" "Yeah, it's me." "How are you?" "I'm fine." "Listen, I'm going to be quite a bit longer in here, so I'll maybe catch you later, okay?" "What are you doing using my toilet?" "Well, i was-- i was just passing." "Passing?" "Yeah." "And i thought, oh, there's Julia's office." "I'll just pop in and have a chat with Julia." "But you weren't here, so i thought, next best thing..." "You thought you'd use my toilet?" "Well, you weren't here." "Most people just leave a note." "( toilet flushes )" "Julia:" "Jeff?" "Are you coming out?" "No!" "She can't see me!" "In a minute!" "I would like to use the facilities myself, if that's okay with you?" "Okay." "I'll get her out the room." "I'll distract her." "I'll think of something." "Trust me." "Okay." "Just stay here, stay quiet, and wait for my signal." "Thanks." "Hello." "I'm a friend of Jeff's." "Yes." "That would seem to be the case." "Now, before i call security..." "Yes." "Before you do, there's something you ought to know, and it's really important." "H,Jeffrey..." "I'm really sorry about everything." "Just...everything." "Sorry." "Everything..." "I'm sorry." "Really, totally, completely sorry." "You're not saying anything." "I know...try it." "( panting ) happy 30th birthday." "Your date of birth's in the computer." "Why didn't you tell anyone?" "( sighs ) well, you know, birthdays." "Hmm." "How are you enjoying this one?" "( chuckling )" "Julia..." "Yes, Jeff..." "Would you like to go out with me sometime?" "No." "Oh, right." "Okay." "I just thought..." "I'd much rather stay in with you." "Oh...okay." "Okay." "If you think I'm nervous when I'm just talking, you should see me when I'm stayin' in." "Don't worry." "I'm rubbish at the talking bit, too, but..." "I'm really good at the staying in part." "So long as you don't mind getting a little deviant every now and then." "Oh...okay!" "What are you doing?" "Well, it's your birthday..." "It's time for your birthday treat." "Here?" "Well, why not?" "Everyone's gone home." "Ah...right." "Trust me." "Do you trust me?" "No." "I'm going to leave you for a moment or two." "I don't want you to move, okay?" "All right." "( chuckling ) nervous?" "I'm not!" "I'm really not." "Good." "Well, you wait here, and get ready for serious fun." "Okay, boys!" "This is it!" "You're going in." "You're now going in!" "* sex!" "*" "* I'm going to have sex *" "* I'm going to have sex * * oh... * * oh... * * da-dum dah * * da-da dum dum * * da-da dum * * da-da dum da * * da da, da da *" "stop him." "* da dum * * da-da dum da * whoa!" "Yowza!" "* da-da dum * * da-da dum * * da-dum dah * * da-da dum da * * da-da duh * * da-da da-da * * da dum da * * da-da da-da * * da-da da dum * * da-da dum *" "* da-dum da * * da-da dum da * * da-da duh * * da-da dum da * whoo!" "* da-da da-da * * da-da dum da * * da-da dum * * da -- oh!" "* * da-da da-da * * da-da dum *" "whoo!" "H,Jeffrey!" "Mother?" "Ah!" "I, uh, think everyone had better go." "That was great!" "Don't you think?" "As a senior executive in this firm, let me assure you that performing a striptease in the main conference room in front of a large percentage of the senior management is completely and utterly and in all possible ways, unacceptable." "Yes." "I--i understand." "Which is why, Jeff, which is why..." "I had to send them home first." "* ( the stripper ) *" "**"