"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see" "♪ The biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "This was a lovely afternoon." "Oh, I'll say." "I just love the legitimate theater." "You know, I missed Mr. Lee J. Cobb in Death of a Salesman." "I missed Mr. Marlon Brando in Streetcar Named Desire." "Well, I was damned if I was gonna miss Mr. Dick Butkus in Pal Joey." "And there's a brand-new water heater in the garage and wall-to-wall carpeting in all the bedrooms." "Ma, what the hell are you doing?" "Selling the house." "And that's a working fireplace, and with these cathedral ceilings, you could stack 50 VCRs if you wanted to." "So, you think it over, and if you're interested, give us a call." "I make offer now." "If you like, you call me." "Sophia, honey, you can't just sell my house." "Is this in dollars?" "No, it's in cucumber rolls." "Of course it's in dollars." "Sophia, what's this all about?" "You tell me." "I'm not the one who put the for-sale sign on our front lawn." "What?" "Oh, damn!" "Those Donaldson boys must have moved that sign from the MacKenzies' front lawn and stuck it on ours." "Then this is all a mistake." "Yeah, but this sure isn't." "Oh." "Blanche, what do you mean?" "Would you seriously consider selling the house?" "Well, no." "I mean, I don't think so." "You have to admit this is an awful lot of money." "Frankly, more than I think the house is worth." "And as your agent, three percent of it is mine." "What do you say, Blanchey?" "Do we close the deal?" "Oh, I just don't know." "This is all so sudden." "There's so many things to consider." "Oh, look, Blanche, if you're worried about us, don't be." "I mean, just because you're selling the house doesn't mean that we can't all find another place together." "Oh, I wasn't worried about you." "I was worried about the tax consequences of all this extra income." "I'm kidding." "Oh, I love you." "You're my family." "Listen, we're sticking together no matter what happens." "I don't know." "It might be hard to find a place as perfect as this was for the four of us." "Oh, hell, if we did it once, we can do it again." "All we need is a little luck." "It was luck that brought us together the first time." "I will never forget when I first put up that notice at the supermarket." "Remember?" "Are you OK?" "Oh, I'm fine." "Oh, I know exactly what you're going through." "I can read it in your face." "You can?" "Oh, sure." "Your husband or your boyfriend dumped you." "Honey, don't let it get you down." "It's just the nature of the beast." "They'd do it in the mud if they had to." "You just go sleep with his best friend." "That'll even up the score." "Am I on Candid Camera?" "You mean, you didn't get dumped?" "Well, actually, I did." "By my landlord." "He threw me out of my apartment, but I couldn't sleep with his best friend." "He's over 80 years old and thinks he's the Archduke Ferdinand." "Why did he throw you out?" "Well, the new owners of the building don't allow cats and I'm not about to part with Mr. Peepers." "Oh, I guess you two have been through a lot together, huh?" "Yes." "I found him last week." "But I wouldn't feel right having a home if he didn't." "We've become very attached." "You know what I think?" "That shows great strength of character." "I like you and I like cats." "I also happen to have a room for rent, and the name is Blanche Devereaux." "Why would you name a room Blanche Devereaux?" "Oh, it's been such a lovely day." "Mr. Sunshine really gave us one of his biggest and brightest smiles." "Oh, I feel like putting my arms around Mother Nature and giving her a big kiss." "Hi, you must be Dorothy." "And you must be Mrs. Rogers." "I didn't catch your name." "I'm Rose Nylund, your new roomie." "Blanche has told me all about you." "Sorry your husband dumped you." "You can borrow my bubble bath any time you want." "That'll help ease the lonely nights." "Thank you very much." "I see you two are getting acquainted." "Yes, I'm just gonna take my stuff to my room." "It's the second on the left down the hall there?" "Dorothy, the second on the left is mine." "Blanche had promised it to me." "Blanche promised it to me too." "Didn't you?" "Whoops." "Oh, great." "Great." "What are we supposed to do now?" "Back in Minnesota, we'd settle this kind of a dispute with some good-natured logrolling." "Sorry, Rose." "My log is in the shop." "What do we do now?" "Toss a coin?" "OK." "All right." "I'll take tails." "OK." "Tails." "You win." "I'll make it up to you, Dorothy, I promise." "Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep," "I'll come to your room and sing "Kum Ba Ya."" "Rose, I don't know what to say." "Yes, I do." "Don't ever do that." "It just doesn't seem possible that five years has gone by since we moved in together." "It's gonna be rough if we have to go our separate ways." "We've all learned to depend on each other so much." "Especially Rose." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Oh, honey, it just means that sometimes you tend to be a bit naive, simple, childlike." "She's calling you a moron." "You don't want to live with a woman like that." "Tell her to sell the house." "Ma." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, it just so happens that there are a lot of things I can do better than you guys." "Name one." "Can you tighten a horn on a helmet?" "Smoke a herring in a pine log?" "Check a bull for a hernia?" "I guess the really rough part is getting him to turn his head and cough." "Come on, Rose." "Pick a category we can compete in." "All right." "What about that dance marathon?" "Whose butt got whopped that night?" "How did you know that Wally..." "Oh, you mean at the actual dance marathon?" "That's right." "Seems to me I showed you two guys a thing or two that night." "(♪ jazz)" "Ladies and gentlemen, our charity dance marathon is now entering its seventh hour." "Let's give our contestants a great big hand." "(applause)" "Hi, girls." "How are you holding up?" "Oh, fine." "Just doing fine." "Terrific." "You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week." "My Uncle Gunther, after the great Beer Nut shortage of '29..." "Foul!" "Foul!" "Send the judge over here." "This woman is trying to put us to sleep." "You're just exhausted and you're trying to blame it on me." "Exhausted?" "I'll show you who's exhausted." "Maestro, how about something with a little octane?" "OK, little lady." "All right, boys, take it away." "A one, two, a one, two, three, four." "(♪ "In The Mood")" "Out of my way, amateurs." "Blanche, do you mind if I give it a try?" "(music stops)" "Oh, for heaven's sake, go on." "No, Dave, I better do this by myself." "You might get hurt." "Three, four." "(♪ "Sing, Sing, Sing")" "Girls, I'm really worried." "Usually, by the time I've finished a cheesecake," "I can solve any problem I'm trying to beat," "This time I'm coming up empty." "Then why is the top button on your skirt open?" "I'm talking about selling the house." "I just don't know if it's the right thing to do." "Well, honey, you don't have to decide tonight." "You should take all the time you need." "The point is, if you turn a nice buck on this place today, you can buy a bigger and better place tomorrow." "But I'm not sure I want to go right out and buy a new house." "Maybe I want to take some time to travel first." "I have relatives scattered all over this country" "I don't get to see very much." "If it's relatives you want, you should stay right here in Miami." "Howard Johnson's does less business than this house has over the years." "That is true." "We've all had our share of family showing up." "I think things are going very nicely." "Save it, Ma." "I am going to tell Uncle Angelo the truth." "It's only for a couple of hours more." "Ma, I can't do it." "I mean, pretending we're married, acting as though nothing happened, it's making me crazy." "It's time to take my heart medicine." "You need a glass of water to take your pill?" "Not pills." "I'll take a shot of Scotch, 12 years old, if you got it." "Uncle Angelo, I have a confession to make." "Good." "I get my Scotch, we go in the closet." "No, it's about Stan and me." "You know something, Dorothy?" "On your wedding day, Sophia told me she said your marriage was never gonna last." "That made me very sad." "And now to see you and Stan so happy after all of these years, it does an old man's heart good." "And so does that." "Uncle Angelo..." "I'm so glad I disobeyed the doctor's orders and risked this long trip to see the both of you so much in love." "Now, what were you saying?" "Uncle Angelo, I wanted to say..." "Well, don't just stand there, Papa Bear." "Come give Mama Bear a big bear hug." "Can I get you another slice of cake, Uncle Angelo?" "No, thank you." "I'll take a slice... darling." "No problem, sweetheart." "Hurry back, dumpling." "My feet have wings, barf bag." "Dorothy, please hang in there a little while longer, and Angelo will be on a plane headed for Brooklyn." "Wish I'd taken my raincoat." "Why are you two dressed like that?" "Well, these are our costumes for the play, Dorothy." "We were in the middle of dress rehearsal when they told us all to go home right away." "There's a hurricane heading for Miami." "You know, I think I will take a slice of cake..." "Hello." "Uh, Uncle Angelo, I'd like you to meet... um... uh..." "I'm Sister Rose." "Piacere." "Nice to meet you." "I'm Sister Blanche." "Nice to meet you, Sister Blanche." "We're here, uh, collecting... lingerie... for needy sexy people." "I just heard on TV the airports are closed." "There's a big hurricane headed this way." "They want everyone to stay just where they are." "That means that we could be trapped together for days!" "Oh, Jesus!" "Please protect us and watch over us in this, our hour of need." "Amen." "Ah, Lucy." "Hi." "Aunt Blanche." "Get in here." "I want you to meet my friends." "This is Sophia and Dorothy and Rose." "Nice to meet you, Lucy." "Let me get a look at you, girl." "Mmm, terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin." "Just like looking in a mirror." "Get some Windex." "How was your trip?" "Oh, it was wonderful." "I met a gorgeous, single doctor on the plane." "At 30,000 feet, she picks up a doctor." "Now I see the family resemblance." "In fact, I'm supposed to meet him in a half-hour, if that's OK." "But, darling, you just got here." "Aunt Blanche, you always said:" ""If you've a stallion eating oats outta your hand, best close the gate before you give him the sugar."" "You said that, Blanche?" "I won't go if you don't want me to, but I do want to go, so can I?" "Would your mother let you go?" "No." "Then go." "Thank you." "You're the best." "I'll see y'all later." "Oh, isn't she something?" "I'm really proud of her." "Now, if I could just manage to rope myself a doctor that easily." "Honey, I don't think there's enough sugar left in the bowl." "Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life." "Well, how good could it have been?" "You left half of it." "I ate every bite." "Well, there's some sauce left." "If you really liked it, you'd take a hunk of that bread and sop it all up." "You can afford it." "Oh, no, I can't." "I've put on a few pounds." "You just haven't noticed." "What am I?" "Blind?" "I can see that." "I meant the bread." "You can afford the bread." "It's only 89 cents a loaf." "Angela, why don't you sit down?" "I'll serve dessert." "Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal," "I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert." "I made dessert." "Damn!" "What'd you say, Blanche?" "Yum." "I said yum." "Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?" "Yes." "It's called genurkenflurken cake." "It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it." "So one might say you brought geflurkenurken into the '80s?" "Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own vertubenflugen." "I can't even reach mine." "So, Sophia, have you all had a chance to catch up on old times?" "Yeah, Angela filled me in on how all my friends and family back home are doing." "How is everybody, Angela?" "Dead." "Angela and I are the only two left of the original family." "That's terrible, Angela." "Does that mean you're all alone back in Sicily?" "Oh, no." "I have a goat." "It's really a shame you and Ma don't live closer to each other." "Dorothy is right." "How many years do we have left?" "20, 30?" "We should live in the same town." "You wanna come back to that little village in Sicily?" "Please, do I look like a woman who beats her laundry on a rock?" "I meant you should move here to Miami." "Oh, that's a great idea." "Angela, you would love Miami." "Aunt Angela, what do you say?" "Oh, I don't know." "I'm too old to pick up and move to a strange country." "What are you talking about?" "Before your husband died, you lived here for 30 years." "I don't know." "Oh, come on, honey." "Now, just think about it." "Who would you rather live with?" "Your sister or a goat?" "Give me a minute." "Cousin Rose?" "Cousin Sven!" "Oh!" "Oh, let me look at you!" "Boy, have you grown!" "We've never met." "But admit it, you have grown." "Uh, Rose, could you introduce Blanche and me?" "Of course." "Dorothy, this is Blanche." "Blanche, this is Dorothy." "We have jokes like that around here all the time." "It's like living in a house full of Howie Mandels." "Sven, I'm Dorothy." "Hello." "And I'm Blanche." "Welcome." "Thank you." "Rose tells us you're getting married." "Yes, and I hope I'm good at it." "I don't have that much experience with women." "A big, strong, handsome thing like you?" "Get out of here." "Well, it was nice meeting all of you." "No!" "That was an expression, Sven." "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family." "Listen, let's make a pact." "If we decide to keep this house, we're gonna limit the number of relatives that get to come to visit." "(knock at door)" "I wonder who that could be." "I'm sure it's no one." "Hi, it's me, Stan." "See?" "What did I tell you?" "Stanley, what do you want?" "I need to borrow a car." "No." "Doesn't anybody want to know why I need to borrow a car?" "(all) No." "Fine, fine." "I know when I'm not wanted." "Is anybody eating that?" "All right, Stanley." "Why do you want to borrow the car?" "Ah!" "I am involved in a new business venture." "Stan's Pizzas." "The gimmick is I can deliver a pizza faster to your house than Domino's." "There's only one problem." "What?" "It's impossible." "I cracked up my car trying." "So the reason you want to use our car is so you can deliver pizzas?" "No." "Actually, what I would really like for you girls to do is be my drivers." "I belong in the front office - supervising, franchising, teasing the high-school girls that work for me." "I sense I may have just lost you." "Ah, what the hell." "I'm out of the pizza business." "Is there anything else to eat?" "Stanley, why do you always end up here when you have a problem?" "You're my best friends." "But we don't like you." "I know, but you're still my best friends." "Well, you can't depend on coming around here forever." "Blanche is thinking about selling the house." "Selling our house?" "You can't be serious." "We've had great times here." "We have had great times here." "You've just had free food." "That is not true." "We've had a million laughs under this roof." "Do you..." "Do you remember the time I came over?" "Dorothy, I know it's been a while, but try to control yourself." "I need some rest." "What the hell is that for?" "You're not getting into this bed, Stanley." "Then where am I supposed to sleep?" "On the floor, like any dog." "Fine." "Just fine." "Stan Zbornak doesn't have to beg a woman to get into bed." "Women come to me." "Yeah, right after they get the approval number on your MasterCard." "Good night." "Oh, shut up." "(Stanley laughs)" "Stanley, if you're doing what I think you're doing, you're in big trouble." "I was just remembering the first time you ever kicked me out of bed and I had to sleep on the floor." "Emile Zundt's Hidden Honeymoon Hideaway in the Poconos." ""Where every cottage is April in Paris."" "And every bathroom, Calcutta in July." "(Stanley chuckles)" "Do you remember how I convinced you to let me back into bed?" "No." "♪ I've got a crush on you" "♪ Sweetie pie" "♪ All the day and nighttime" "♪ Hear me sigh" "Oh, Stanley Zbornak, I don't believe that you're trying to charm me." "Is it working?" "I don't think so." "Then you leave me no choice." "I'll have to pull out the big gun." "You're wasting your time, Stanley." "I'm familiar with the big gun." "Here goes." "♪ Embrace me" "♪ My sweet, embraceable you" "♪ Embrace me" "♪ You irreplaceable you" "Dorothy!" "Dorothy, I just had a terrible nightmare." "Ma, what was it?" "This." "Break it up." "Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall." "Try to climb over me, and you'll know what barbed wire between your legs feels like." "Gotcha." "Dorothy, how did this start?" "Cole Porter?" "Gershwin." "Thank God I came in time." "We've certainly had some good times, haven't we, girls?" "Yes, we have, and we'd like to have more, so would you please leave, Stanley?" "Girls, I've made a decision." "What is it, Blanche?" "(phone rings)" "There are just too many precious memories in this house." "I'm not about to trade them in for a few lousy dollars." "It's Yakamora." "He's doubled his offer." "Tell him we'll be out by the first of the month." "♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see" "♪ The biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "Couldn't sleep either, Dorothy?" "No, Rose." "Are you upset because Blanche is gonna sell the house and we can't live together?" "No, I'm upset because Joe Piscopo didn't get the lead role in Rain Man." "Oh, of course I'm upset about the house." "Ma, it's 2am." "Where have you been?" "I stuffed pillows under the sheets so I could fool you during bed check." "What is this, Stalag 17?" "I went for a walk." "I couldn't sleep." "I had a nightmare." "Tell me about it, Sophia." "Sometimes I can interpret dreams." "Blanche sold the house and I wound up back at Shady Pines." "Hmm." "This is a tough one." "Dorothy, please don't send me back." "Ma, I am not sending you back to Shady Pines." "Oh, my God!" "She found a cheaper home." "Blanche, please, please don't sell the house." "What the hell is that holding up your stockings?" "Get out of there." "Girls, listen." "I know I told Mr. Yakamora that I'd sell him the house, but I just don't think it's fair to make that decision by myself now." "Give me some advice." "Just tell me what to do." "Well, it's your house, Blanche." "You have to make your own decision." "Since when have you all been so shy?" "We always tell each other what to do." "Honey, are you all right?" "I'll be fine." "Is this about Arnie?" "No, Blanche." "She's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke." "Arnie wants me to go away with him on a cruise to the Bahamas." "Oh." "Oh, and you're upset because he wants you to pay your own way?" "I'm upset because we'll be all alone." "In the middle of the ocean." "On a ship." "In a stateroom." "With a bed." "Oh." "I don't know what to do." "I haven't... been with a man in that special way since Charlie died." "Get out of here!" "It's true." "Charlie was the only lover I ever had." "And my first time was on our wedding night." "Get out of here!" "Oh, back off, Blanche." "Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port." "Maybe it sounds strange but, without Charlie," "I thought that part of my life was over." "I never gave it a second thought." "Until now?" "Then I think you should go on the cruise." "Honey, if the situation is right, you'll know it." "But I'm not sure I'm ready." "Oh, honey, I know what you're going through." "The bottom line is, if you take a chance in life, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen." "But, honey, if you don't take a chance, nothing happens." "I'm gonna take a chance." "Oh, that's wonderful!" "Oh, great, Rose!" "Oh, I have to look in my closet." "I don't even know what to wear for the first night on the ship." "A life jacket and a great big smile." "Gee, I wonder what Rose is doing right now." "You mean, you wonder if she's doing it right now." "No, I just wonder if maybe we didn't push her into something too fast." "What I can't understand is how in the world she managed to wait 15 years." "How long did you wait after George died?" "Till the paramedics came." "Ma!" "What about you, Dorothy?" "Who was the first after Stan, hm?" "Blanche." "Her divorce lawyer." "How did you know?" "It's always the divorce lawyer." "Oh, it was a terrible time for me." "You know, I'd gone on an eating binge when Stan left and I put on quite a bit of weight." "Plus, I was not a 20-year-old." "You know, when you're 20, no matter what you do, everything stays where it's supposed to." "Now when you lean over, it looks like somebody's let the air out of your face." "What?" "Honey, lean over a mirror some time and take a look at yourself." "Where's a mirror?" "There's one in the tool drawer." "I think you'd better take a sedative before you look." "Don't be silly." "I look at my face all the time." "How different could it be leaning over?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God, Dorothy, why didn't you tell me about this before?" "Only on your back, Blanche." "That way everything slides back and you look like you just had a face lift." "Oh, you're right." "I'm gorgeous." "I'm gonna have to meet men lying down." "I thought you did." "Of course, that way, not only does your face fall back but your chest does too." "Unfortunately, it falls back and off to the side." "Well, it's too late to do anything until morning." "We might as well get some sleep." "I can't sleep." "I'm wound up tighter than the girdle on a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast." "Wow, that's tight." "Back in St. Olaf, when I couldn't sleep," "I'd get into my pajamas and have a nice glass of warm milk and slip under the covers and count cows jumping over my bed." "It'd usually work like a charm, except every once in a while there'd be a cow with a particularly low udder and it would brush across my forehead and wake me up." "I just don't know what I'm gonna do." "I'm just torn and confused." "Guess I'll have to think about it all tomorrow." "After all, tomorrow is another day." "Calm down, Scarlett." "There's no need to be so dramatic." "Please." "She can't help it." "Everyone around here acts like a ham." "There's been more bad acting, bad dancing and bad singing under this roof than a Suzanne Somers Special." "(♪ jaunty piano music)" "Rose!" "Blanche!" "Dorothy!" "Go, Dorothy, go!" "Gosh, I didn't realize how long Dorothy's solo is." "I sure hope the doctor says she's gonna be all right." "I won't dance." "Don't ask me." "Pay attention." "You're in for a treat." "Oh, Ma, not another act!" "No, Dorothy, not just another act - the act." "I've taken a classic and reworked it Sophia style." "(♪ "Thanks for the Memories")" "♪ Thanks for the medicare" "♪ For Blue Cross and Blue Shield" "♪ For a hip that finally healed" "♪ Remember on prescriptions" "♪ Generic is a steal" "♪ We thank you so much" "OK, what do you think?" "Now, don't hold back." "I can take the criticism." "Depressing." "Awful." "Stinky." "Go to hell, all of you!" "I will not have that filthy beast in my house." "It belongs in a barnyard." "This is not a farm chicken." "Count Bessie is a show-biz chicken." "Wait till you see this." "A show-biz chicken." "What does she do?" "Play the piano?" "She plays the piano." "You just wait till you see this." "OK, honey, come on." "It's showtime." "Yeah, come on, sweetheart." "Oh, I know." "I know." "Here we go." "OK, Count, hit it!" "(♪ "Old MacDonald Had a Farm")" "Isn't she incredible?" "What do you say, girls?" "Can she stay?" "I guess so." "All right." "Oh, thank you." "Just be sure to keep her in her cage." "Oh." "Maybe I can convince the count to give us some live entertainment with dessert." "Have you any requests?" "How about "Bye Bye Birdie"?" "Girls!" "Girls, Count Bessie is missing." "I went out to the garage to feed her and her cage was empty." "Where could she be?" "Aunt Angela..." "Where did you get this chicken?" "(Aunt Angela) The garage." "I guess this means no live entertainment with dessert." "(Blanche) Oh, hello, there." "How'd you do?" "We came in second." "Oh, that's terrific." "What'd you get?" "Treated badly." "They told us to get out of the way when they took the winner's picture with Anita Bryant." "Oh, what do those old judges know?" "I'd love to hear your song." "Oh, forget it, Blanche." "Please." "Oh, no." "The whole experience was too painful." "Please." "We want to put it out of our minds." "Please." "Hit it, Rose." "♪ I have to say what I feel" "♪ Miami has so much appeal" "♪ A great place to get a seafood meal" "♪ Miami" "♪ Miami, Miami" "♪ You've got style" "♪ Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile" "♪ When you live in this town" "♪ Each day is sublime" "♪ The coldest of winters" "♪ Are warm and divine" "♪ Miami, Miami" "♪ You've got style" "♪ Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile" "Hit it!" "♪ There's ball clubs and nightclubs" "♪ All within reach" "♪ Dance the samba till morning" "♪ Then lie on the beach" "♪ Each view is a postcard" "♪ Each day a great time Going home!" "♪ The cream of the crop, it's the top of the line" "♪ Miami, Miami" "♪ You've got style" "♪ Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile" "♪ Miami" "♪ You've got style ♪" "Look, you're all confused and upset about this house business." "There's only one thing you can do." "What is that, Sophia?" "Take the advice of a wise old Sicilian." "You, Sophia?" "No." "Charlie Callas." "Many years ago, my father had a similar problem when he was selling real estate." "I didn't know that Grandpa ever owned any real estate." "He didn't." "That was the problem." "You see, it turned out he really didn't own the Vatican." "Although he did have a very close friend who swore he was there the night Pop won the deed in a card game from Pope Ronnie the Magnificent." "Sophia, you're not making any sense." "Excuse me, Mrs. Kierkegaard, it's 4am." "Ma, is there a point to this?" "And if there wasn't, what are you gonna do?" "Put decorative bars on my window?" "Yes, there is a point." "If you're gonna sell real estate, make sure you own it." "Sophia, I do own this house." "Oh." "Is anybody else hungry?" "Now that you mention it, I could really go for a pizza." "I've been thinking about Chinese." "I could go for a burger and fries." "Why don't we order it all?" "Oh, Sophia, that'd be crazy." "So, this would be the first time we did something a little out of the ordinary around here?" "Ma, thank God you're here." "Arrested for prostitution." "I can't believe it." "Sophia, we're innocent." "I know that." "I can't believe these dumb cops would think anyone would pay money to sleep with you." "Sophia, did you come to bail us out?" "No, Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it." "Well, girls, we're gonna get to see Mr. Burt Reynolds after all." "I thought these beautiful tickets were all gonna go to waste." "So which one of you isn't going?" "Well, I'm the one who won the tickets." "Yeah, well, my mom's the one who's bailing us out." "I lost Butter Queen." "Haven't I suffered enough?" "We'll draw straws." "No." "We'll flip a coin." "No!" "Sophia, we had this all settled." "Now, try and be understanding." "Understanding?" "I came down here to bail you out and you're still not letting me go?" "Ma, will you stop complaining and get us out of here?" "Where are your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?" "They're not here." "Ma!" "Don't "Ma" me, you cheap floozie." "Ma, Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?" "You'll get over it, Dorothy." "And if you don't, who cares?" "I'm on my way to see Burt Reynolds." "And then - you're gonna love this " "Dom DeLuise takes me by the arm and insists I tell Burt the story." "Sophia, I don't want to hear any more about it." "Not even the part when Burt and Dom insisted I repeat the story to Loni Anderson?" "That's it." "I don't want to hear another word." "Oh, Cinderella's back from the ball and her three wicked roommates are jealous." "We are not jealous, Ma." "We are angry." "You left us sitting in jail." "Hey, I sent over the bail money." "You were out an hour later." "I think that was just about the time" "I was nibbling a giant shrimp out of Jerry Reed's hand." "You're making this whole thing up just to rub it in." "You have never met these people." "Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy." "And so are you in anything backless." "(doorbell)" "Hello." "Is Sophia around?" "Oh, hi, Burt." "How about a little lunch?" "Listen, if you're buying, how about a big lunch?" "Great." "My God, you're Mr. Burt Reynolds." "I hope so, otherwise I got the wrong underwear on." "These the roommates you told me about?" "Yeah." "Which one's the slut?" "(all) I am." "Rose, it is not here!" "Look again." "It has to be." "Rose, I have read every want ad in the paper." "Mine is not here." "Are you sure you dropped it off at the newspaper office?" "Dorothy, you told me exactly what you wanted me to do a dozen times." "Any idiot could have done it." "I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown." "Are you sure that you dropped it off at the newspaper office?" "Yes!" "Six people already called while you were out." "Give that to me." "I'll try and find it for you." "(doorbell)" "Dorothy?" "Have we met?" "Not yet." "I'm here because of your ad in the paper:" ""Willing to do anything, $8 an hour, no job too big or small."" "Yes, yes, of course." "Please come in." "I'm sorry." "I didn't expect people to actually come here." "I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them." "That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop." "So tell me, what type of work is it that you need done, Mr..." "Toto." "Mr. Toto." "Oh, no "Mr." Just "Toto."" "You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto." "At least for the next $8." "Dorothy, you owe me an apology." "Your ad's right here." "Oh, Rose, this is the personals column." "So what?" "So what?" "You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for $8 an hour?" "Oh, look, it's right under an ad that reads:" ""History professor seeking nonsmoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."" "Is that signed "Doug"?" "Yes." "I know him." "He's a sick man." "I'm terribly sorry for this mix-up." "Goodbye." "Oh, my God, I don't believe this!" "I'm gonna call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you pervert!" "Hi, Father Rossi." "Here's the canned goods for the needy." "Oh, no." "Oh, I'm..." "I'm terribly sorry." "I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie." "Hi." "Here's my $8." "Let's get started, Dorothy." "Oh, I'm not Dorothy." "She is." "I'll give you $4." "Let's get started." "How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?" "Oh, great." "Here's the other $4." "Girls." "Girls, there is a busload of Greek sailors out front." "They wanna know how many drachma there are in $8." "Girls, guess what I found." "Fernando!" "That's not Fernando." "What do you mean, that's not Fernando?" "How could you tell?" "All you have to do is look in his eyes." "Or at the price tag stuck to his back." "Oops!" "Thanks for trying, Blanche." "It's nice to know I have a friend like you..." "who cares." "Dorothy, I have a confession to make." "Rose didn't lose Fernando." "I gave him to Daisy when she was helping out with the rummage sale." "Well, then there's no problem, honey." "Just call Daisy and get Fernando back." "She's a very sweet kid." "She'll understand." "I tried that." "She said no." "What do you mean?" "She's not a sweet kid anymore." "She's holding Fernando for ransom." "Come on!" "Dorothy, she sent me one of his ears." "You!" "Good morning." "Well, kid, what do you want?" "I changed my mind." "I was wrong to ask for all those gifts." "Dorothy, you see?" "I knew she'd come to her senses." "I decided cash is better." "That way I can buy exactly what I want." "I'll get my purse." "No." "Blanche, I'm not gonna let you do that." "I've been doing a lot of thinking." "If, after all the years of love and companionship," "Fernando and I are meant to part company, I'll just have to accept that." "Time to time, life deals you an unfriendly hand." "There's nothing you can do about it." "I guess there's a lesson to be learned here." "Sometimes life just isn't fair, kiddo." "I cannot talk about this anymore." "I'm just gonna call Yakamora and give him my decision." "Go ahead." "Make your call." "We'll give you some privacy." "We'll go in the other room." "Come on, Ma." "Let's go." "What do you think she's gonna do?" "I think she's gonna sell." "It's just too much money." "Oh, no." "Blanche is too sentimental." "I think she's gonna stay." "What do you think, Ma?" "Ma!" "Quiet." "Oh, this is just the operator." "Your phone is working fine." "Ma, what did you hear?" "You're never gonna believe what happened." "You are never gonna believe what happened." "Yakamora decided not to buy the house." "What happened?" "Well, he went on a shopping spree and he spent all his money." "He bought a department store in Fort Lauderdale and a condominium in Orlando, a baseball team in Tampa, and I think one of the Landers sisters." "But what were you gonna tell him?" "What if he hadn't backed out?" "What difference does that make now?" "The important thing is we're staying together." "You were gonna sell, weren't you?" "Damn straight." "But I was not gonna let it break us up." "We are staying together." "I don't care what happens." "We are family." "We are a team." "Come on, everybody, group hug."