"( slow piano ballad ) ~ You took the part ~" "~ that once was my heart ~" "~ so why not take all of me?" "~" "One, two, three, four." "( upbeat music begins )" "T ake it, Roger." "( guitar solo )" "( applause )" "( alarm sounds )" "I'm getting too old for this." "( doorbell rings )" "( continues ringing )" "Oh, God." "Happy birthday, my darling." "So, how does it feel to be thirty-eight?" "Oh, great." "Just think, in two years I'll be forty, in twelve I'll be fifty." "I'm really excited about this." " It's fun." " Oh, sweetie." "Hey, what am I doing with my life?" "What am I doing with my career?" " What am I doing with us?" " You're boring us." "Yeah." "Do you love it?" "It's an African grave post." "Is that gorgeous?" "You bought me a grave post for my thirty-eighth birthday?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I like it, I really do." "It's really nice." "Look, uh, I've been thinkin'." "Remember, remember that thing you used to wanna talk about, and I never did?" "You know, uh, the "M" word?" "Well, I think maybe it's time that we did the "M" word." "Roger, I don't think you're ready to do the "M" word." "Yeah, I am, honest." "Peggy, I want to get "M'd"." "Roger, if you can't say the "M" word, then you're not ready to do the "M" word." "I can say the "M" word." "Geez!" "( gaging sound )" "Marriage, marriage, of course, I can say it." "What do you think?" "I think we shouldn't get into this right now." "You're going to be late for work, and you know how daddy hates that." "I just came by to wish you a happy, happy thirty-eighth." "Mmm." "Happy thirty-eighth." "That's a contradiction in terms." "( saxophone playing blues solo )" "That was very bodacious." "( laughing ) Hey, Roger Dodger, what it is?" " Hey, Bix." " ( barks )" "Makin' any money today?" "Almost as much as I made last night." " That bad, huh?" " Yeah." "Look, Roger," "I've been thinkin' of joinin' Jimmy Bowers' big band." "I want you to come and go with me." "I appreciate it, Ty, but" "No, don't give me that but, but jive." "Hey, look at this face." " I'm quitting the group, Ty." " You're doin' what?" "I gotta give up something." "I figure I still have time to make something of myself as a lawyer and I'm not going any further as a musician." "Oh, this is an unhappy face." "Not that unhappy." "This is the face of a man who has given up the wrong thing." " Don't pick my nose." " ( barking )" "And if you do not correct your thinkin' in this matter," "I shall be forced to tell the world that you are a honky mook!" "Tyrone, you really should not call another person a honky mook." "And why not?" "Well, for one reason, you're white." " I am?" " Yeah." "( begins playing "Auld Lang Syne" )" "Oh, my God, I am." "I'm late, Ty, I gotta go." "I'm doing the right thing, really." "You be cool, fool." "Good jammin' with you, Bix." "Well?" "Well, you're dying all right." "Ever since I was a child doctors have been telling me I'm dying." "Yeah, well, I guess you've had enough practice because you're really doing it now." " How much time?" " A week, a day." " A month?" " Mm-hm." "Good." "The phone." " Got a cigarette?" " You don't smoke." "It can't hurt now." "Thank you." "After thirty-two years of marriage, you're still a naughty little devil, aren't you?" "( intercom buzzes )" "Shouldn't you answer that?" "Maybe it's your wife." "Ever since she filed for divorce she hardly ever calls anymore." "( knocking )" "I'm sorry, Mr. Schuyler, but, Edwina Cutwater is on one." "Oh, God." "All right." "It's okay." "I just wanted to tell you, your wife subpoenaed me." "Oh, Gretch, I'm so sorry about that." "I do have to take this call." " Good morning, Margo." " Good morning, Roger." "Good morning, Bix." "Any good ones for me today?" "Any unfairly evicted tenants?" "Uh, farm workers, Indians?" "Well, Mr. Van Rensselaer called." "He wants you to fire his chauffeur." "Mr. Spencer Sr. wants you to draw up a pre-marital agreement for Mr. Spencer, Jr." "And finally, Mr. Spencer Jr. called, he wants you to tell Mr. Spencer Sr. to mind his own friggin' business." "May justice prevail." "Why do I do it?" "I think it's called paying dues." "I've been paying dues for eleven years." "I should own the entire club by now." " Right on, Roger." " No more." "I want worthwhile cases." "I want to defend right against wrong." "I want a partnership." "You're telling the wrong people, Roger." "I know." "I was practicing." "Pretty good, huh?" "I think wadding the message is very effective." "I'm gonna do this for Schuyler right now." "Seymour, she was the fourth woman today to tell she's been subpoenaed." "( knocking )" "Mr. Schuyler, I have to talk to you." "I don't want her on the stand!" "Listen, if you haven't got the guff to handle this the right way," "I'm going to find someone who does!" " Mr. Schuyler" " I was just gonna call you." "Get Miss Cutwater's file." "Go out to the house." "Edwina claims that she's finally dying and needs to get her affairs in order." "No, uh, I have to discuss my future here right now." "Well, Roger, we are discussing your future." "You're going to Edwina Cutwater's house." "I want a partnership." "Listen, the day you give up bebop and concentrate on the law, we'll talk." "Start talking." "I quit the band." "As of today I'm dedicating myself full time to my legal career." "Later today, I'm going to buy a vest." "My God, you're serious." "I am serious." "But I want to start handling real cases, the big cases." "No more of this trick or treat stuff." "Roger, you don't know how long I have waited to hear you say those words." "Going out to Edwina Cutwater's house is not my idea" "No, no." "Listen to me." "Long after Edwina is gone from this earth, her estate is going to generate more income for this office than most small countries see in a year." "And it's going to take a lot of very sophisticated" "legal expertise to structure and administer those affairs." "Now, you do this for me, today, go out to her house, and I'll put you in charge of all that." "Now, if that's not real law, if that's not big law, I don't know what the hell is." "Actually the more I think about this thing, the better it sounds." "Don't look at me like that, will you?" "I'm not going in there as a messenger boy." "I'm going in as a highly skilled legal advisor." "This is really good." "No more being looked down upon by people that think they're better than I am, because they're rich." "From now on I'm gonna be respected..." "By people who think they're better than I am, because they're rich." "Hi." "Roger Cobb from Schuyler and Mifflin to see Miss Cutwater." " Yes, sir, you are expected." " I'll show him up." " Betty Ahrens." " I'm Roger Cobb." "Try not to excite her, okay?" "Edwina:" "Grayson?" "Oh, Grayson." " Yes, madam?" " Don't forget to pick up the invitations, and make sure they're hand delivered the moment I die." "The moment you die." "Yes, madam." "( sighs )" " Oh, Mr." " Cobb." "Cobb." "Oh, yes, you're the tedious one." "Do you mind accompanying me back to my deathbed?" "Now, here's the name of my caterer, and the evening's menu." "Make sure they have plenty of goose pate, it's marvelous." "This is for the funeral?" "One doesn't have goose pate at a funeral." "Now, Mr. Fulton Norris is a wonderful society orchestra." "I should like you to engage him for the entire weekend." " ( sighs )" " This is for the wake, ma'am?" "Heavens, no." "It's for a party, and I want it to be a corker." " Guess what I'm going to do?" " What?" "I'm going to come back from the dead." "( clears throat ) And, ah, what makes you think you can do that?" "Because I'm rich." "Grayson, come in here, please." "Over." "Miss Cutwater, this is not a parking ticket we're talking about, here, this is the, uh, Grim Reaper." "You cannot bribe the Grim Reaper." "( chuckles ) Oh, Mr. Cobb, I spent a lifetime shackled by... frailty and poor health... wheelchairs and sick beds." "It's my heart, you see." "It means well, but it's always been something of a lemon." "I've had all the money in the world and not one good chance to enjoy it." "I have never been to Europe." "I've never been anywhere, really." "Oh, sure I've ordered from Neiman's and Gucci's, but I've never actually been there." "I've never ridden my horses." "I've never been to a ballet." "I've never danced." "But, Cutwater's aren't quitters. ( sighs )" "So, I've decided that if my wealth cannot help me in this life, then my God, it's going to buy me another one." " Ah, Grayson." " You, ah, walkie-talkied, madam?" "Yes, please send in Mr. Prakha Lasa and what's her name," " Fred's daughter." " Miss T erry, madam." "Gas me." "Excuse me, am I just getting you goose pate, or do you have any legal work for me?" "( sighs ) Of course I do." "I need you to amend my will... so that what's her name, um..." "Fred's daughter will become inheritor over my entire estate." "( coughs ) So we must draw up a new codicil." "We need it witnessed." "Ah, your grace." "( startled shouting )" "It's all right, Prakha, come in." "Come in." "Come, come." "( whispers) What's going on here?" " Wait." " Who's Fred's daughter?" "Hello." " Hello." "I'm T erry Hoskins." " Roger Cobb." " Uh, so, you're Fred's daughter?" "Mm-hm." "Roger:" "Who the heck is Fred?" "T erry:" "Daddy, come in, please." "I'm against the whole thing, I am." "My father is Miss Cutwater's stableman." "It's unnatural." "Let me get something straight here, you're going to will all of your money to the stableman's daughter, and he's against it?" "No." " He just said that" " You see, I should inherit nothing." "But you just said you wanted to make her your sole beneficiary." "That is correct." " So you will inherit the estate?" " No, she won't." "What am I missing here?" "You see, thanks to his highness Prakha Lasa," "I'm going to be transmigrated." "Transmigrated means that my soul is going to leave my body forever and become one with the universe." "At which time my soul will enter her body." "Ah, good plan." "I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a good plan at all." "My daughter's soul leaving' her body and going off to who knows where?" "Fred, let's not go through all this again, shall we?" "I know I wasn't much of a father to her when she was growing up, but I won't lose her again." "No, I won't." "Zip it, Fred." "Miss Cutwater, as your attorney it is my duty to inform you that the will could be contested if you're deemed... not of perfectly sound mind." "Why you presumptuous ambulance chaser." "Are you insinuating that I am not of perfectly sound mind?" "No. no, I wouldn't do that, but I think practically everybody in the solar system would." "Mr. Cobb, that's last thing I need around here is your ill-informed negativity." "Get out." "( gasping - coughing )" "( bell ringing )" " Thanks for not exciting her." " Parkha: ( chanting )" "There, there." "( chanting continues )" "Edwina:" "No, Prakha, not yet." "Prakha, not yet." "( breathing heavily ) I'm not ready." "Is everybody here bananas?" "Mr. Cobb..." "Let me explain something to you." "You see... closer please." "( coughing )" "That's for bananas, now get out!" "What century is this?" "I hurt my hand." "I'm going to tell Mr. Schuyler that you're an insolent little toad." "And demand that he fire you." "Why don't you just enter his body and do it yourself?" "And don't you come back, you peasant!" "Look, lady... just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant!" "And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers, I'm sure he did." "It's just that as a barber he didn't have that much opportunity." "Grayson, bring the car and my hairdresser, and the golden diamond jewelry." "Over." "I've got to hand it to you, it's brilliant." " What is?" " Your scam." "It's legal, it's logical." "I thought the bit with the bowl was overdoing it a little, but, it's certainly original." "The bowl, Mr. Cobb, is attuned to the harmonics of Miss Cutwater's life force." "When her body dies it becomes a repository of that life force so I hold the bowl and it becomes the conduit from her body to mine." "You really believe that?" "Yes." "Of course, uh... if you're wrong you inherit twenty million bucks." "I don't want her money." "When I was fifteen I ran away from home thinking I could find myself in the material world." "I found only pain." "His holiness, Prakha Lasa, teaches that possessions transmit pain." "I want something far more valuable than money... far more elusive, for which I'm willing to give up my physical being and become one with the universe." "And ah, don't you think that's just a little bit... whacko?" "Feel my heart." "You are unhappy." "You are anxious and unfulfilled because you are not doing with your life as you wish." "I'm at peace." "Which one of us is crazy?" "You are." "Thank you." "Margo." "Oh, Mr. Durand called." "He needs you to set up a Bermuda corporation, so he can write off his honeymoon." " Also, there was a call" " Forget it." "I'm telling Schuyler today he's got to play me or trade me." "He's in the conference room with Miss Cutwater." "She's here?" "Also with her doctor, with her nurse," "Mr. Mifflin, some english girl with no bra." "And a Hindu holding a bedpan on a stick." "I don't think you should go in there." "( inhaling deeply )" "Schuyler:" "We just had a little bit more to go over now." "Are you strong enough to continue?" "( exhales )" "What?" "Oh, I'm fine." "Really." "( coughs )" "I'm fine." "T ell them." "She could drop dead any minute." "Never mind her." "She's only trying to make me feel good." "( door opens )" "I'm very sorry to interrupt." "Madam, I wish to apologize for upsetting you before." "Mr. Cobb, please don't grovel." "I'm not groveling, I'm apologizing." " If I could see you outside." " If you're trying to save your job, you're too late." " What?" " It's quite lost by now." "Let me tell you something." "My father worked himself into an early grave defending the rights of needy people in a rat infested store front over on ninth street." "When he died my mother took a job as a plumber's assistant so I could go to law school and carry on in his name." "So now the only job I can get is in some skidrow legal aid office," "I'd just as soon take it as have to cowtow to people like her" " for the rest of my life!" "Schuyler:" "That's enough!" "You know what you are?" "You're an energy vampire." " That's enough." " You leap in my neck." "You suck all the fun out of being a lawyer." "Schuyler:" "Shut up!" "That's enough!" "( coughing )" "I have never heard such a moronic load of crap in my life!" "Well, I don't have to take that." "No, not you, her." "( chuckling ) Did you hear what she wants to do with her soul?" "Yeah." "Jesus Christ, the woman is looney tunes." "She's nuts!" "But you," "Roger, you've got guts." "I never saw you stand up to anyone like that before." "You have a fire burning inside you." "T o defend people who really need you." "And I never knew that about your father or your mother." " Well, I made that up." " You didn't?" " You son-of-a-gun." " Pretty good, huh?" "( laughing )" "I like a man who thinks on his feet." "Thanks." "Roger, I have a case that needs a lawyer just like you." "You win it, and I'll put you up for a partnership." "This is not for one of these rich goofballs?" "No, no, no." "It's for a very nice man... who's getting divorced." "I think I'm gonna be a partner." "Mazel tov!" "Oh, Bix, you're going to be a partner's best friend." "( barking )" "Call the Fulton Morris Orchestra tell them Miss Cutwater has requested her favorite saxophone player Tyrone Wattell for her party." "And she'd like him to receive a thousand dollars for the night." "We're gonna inform Mr. Wattell." " Come on, Bix." " ( barking )" "What a guy." "Now, then..." "Mr. Mifflin can witness the codicil." "I will sign as executor of the estate and then we will be all signed, sealed and" "( exhales deeply )" " Oh, a tunnel..." " Hmm?" " Edwina?" "...with a very bright light." "I was afraid of this." "What the hell is she talking about?" "T erry..." "Prakha... ( begins to chant )" "Schuyler:" "What the hell is going on?" "Miss Cutwater?" "Wait a minute." "( everyone talking at once in a panic )" "( chanting )" "Mifflin:" "Did she sign everything?" "Ahrens:" "Jan, S10 I.V. Hurry!" "Kim, call the insurance company." "( chanting continues )" "Mifflin:" "How is she?" "Will she be all right?" "( clanking )" "Ahrens:" "I'm losing her." "I'm losing her." "Get out of my way, you fool!" "Ahrens:" "I lost her." " ( banging sound )" " Roger:" "Ouch!" "Edwina's voice:" "Where am I?" "What?" "Edwina: ( gasps ) I'm breathing." "I must be alive." "Who said that?" "Edwina:" "No, I can't be." "I just died." "I'm picking up General Hospital in my fillings." "Edwina:" "Oh, it worked." "Oh, my Lord!" "( hollering )" "( whimpering )" "What the hell's happening to me?" "( effeminately ) I feel like the healthiest woman alive." "Oooh!" "Who said that?" "I did." "I'm going crazy." "Edwina voice:" "That does not sound like Fred's daughter." "No, I'm not going crazy." "Something hit me on the head." "Oooh!" "I'm just hallucinating." "That's all!" "( screams )" "Edwina:" "Oh, shit!" "What the hell are you doing in there?" "I can't believe this." "I can't even die right." "Why are you doing this to me?" "Dear, God, don't you get enough laughs up there?" "What did I ever do to you?" "Somebody please tell me this is not happening." "Edwina:" "I'm afraid it is, so let's just go inside, and have Prakha Lasa straighten out this mess." "Oh, geez, I can't move my right leg." "I'm paralyzed!" "Edwina:" "Here let me try." "( screaming )" "Edwina:" "We obviously have mutual control over our body." "Our body?" "It's my body." "I'm not sharing my body with anyone." "Everybody's going to be real disappointed." "( speaking to himself ) Where are we going?" "We've got to find Prakha Lasa!" "I can't go in there, Schuyler will think" "Excuse me, this is a private conversation, do you mind?" "Ah, no." "Edwina:" "Please, just do as I say!" "Nooo!" "( grunting )" "Edwina:" "You seem to have control over the left side of your body, while I feel dominant on the right." "Oh, let go of that." "Oh, you bitch!" "How about a little respect for the deceased?" "Let go of my hand you brute!" "I will not!" "( grunting )" "Edwina:" "Just stop it!" "If you want me out of you, then you must stop this ridiculous behavior." "( barking )" "Roger:" "Lady, I don't know how you got in there, but I'm going to get you out of me right now!" "Let's go!" "( barks )" "Edwina:" "Just wait, I'll go first." "Calm down and try to concentrate." "I'm the right side," "Uh, and you're the left." "First me, then you." "Me." "You." "See, if we just cooperate." "Now all we have to do is find Prakha Lasa." "Actually, there's something we have to do first." "Edwina:" "What?" "I really have to take a leak." "Bix, go see Margo." "Edwina:" "Your foot, my foot, your foot, my foot, very good." "Your foot, my foot, your foot, my foot." "You're doing wonderfully well." "Mifflin:" "Isn't it awful?" "Roger:" "You have no idea." "I can't go in there." "That's the men's room." "Just shut up and do as I say!" "Don't you ever, ever yell at me again." "I'm sorry, but this is not my idea of a good time." "Well, I'm not exactly having one my best days either." "I died five minutes ago." "( grunting )" "Oh, God." "You'll have to do it." "I'll have to do what?" "You know, take it out." "T ake what out?" "The little fireman." "The little fireman?" "You know, my penis!" "How dare you say penis to a dead person." "Listen, lady, if you don't give Big Ed some air, he's gonna piss all over your half of my body." "Mr. Cobb, if you're trying to scare me, it won't work." "Both:" "( clears throat )" "( paints unzip )" "( hollering )" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "All right... first, let go of your grip." "Now slowly take your hand..." "Now slowly!" "( sighs ) All right, we're going to try it again." "Carefully." "Very carefully." "What the hell are you doing in there?" "I'm trying to release your Mister Ed." "Stop playing with it already, and take it out!" "You don't have to talk out loud, I can hear your thoughts." "( to himself ) Oh, great, just what I always wanted." "( sighs in relief )" "Shall I tap?" " Yes." " T ap, tap." "Thank you." "I meant what I said about yelling." "I was, ah, just talking to myself in there it wasn't anything really." "Edwina: ( gasping ) There's Fred's daughter!" "Yoohoo, T erry." "Stop it!" "No, I don't use my mouth." "Try to walk more like a man." "All right." "Mr. Cobb..." " I feel so terrible." " I know." "It's not your fault it didn't work." "How do you know it didn't work?" "You're not going to believe this..." "Hey, where's the swami?" "He left when all those people came in." " He's very shy, you know." " Left?" "Where did he go?" "( to himself ) Stop worrying, I know where to find him." "You better had!" "Mr. Cobb?" "You still want to go through this transmigration thing?" " Well, yes, but she's" " Fine." "Look," " We'll go get Gunga Den..." " Mr. Cobb?" "Excuse me." "Mr. Schuyler needs to see you right away." "Fine, thanks." "Where can we reach you?" "I'm staying at Miss Cutwater's." " Who's we?" " Roger?" "He said now!" "I'll explain later." "Trust me." "( to himself ) Don't swing your arm so much." "There's something very odd about Cobb." "The man has been bringing a dog to a law office for three years and you just noticed he's odd?" "Yes, but he's speaking with a funny voice." "Have you heard his secretary?" "And he's impi" "We'll discuss this later!" "T attle tale." "Are you feeling all right?" "Yeah." "Just this whole Cutwater thing really got under my skin." "Look, I need to leave for just about an hour." "Forget it." "We're going to court tomorrow." "Court tomorrow." "Really, I, I" "Clear the decks." "Sit down." "It's my divorce." "Ah, nobody knew." "T ell you the truth, it's a little embarrassing." "Seymour was representing me, but he wasn't doing squat!" "He wanted me to settle." "You want a partnership, you do for me what you did in the Brenner case." "( to himself ) Oh, God, not now." "Edwina:" "Oh, just explain what happened." "Roger:" "Are you crazy?" "I don't even believe it." "If I tell him he'll have me put away." "Look, before I can take care of any of this, there's something very personal, very private I have to clear up." "Oh, yes, of course." "All right, sit down." "I'll tell you everything." " No, no." "I meant that" " That's all right, don't be embarrassed." "I started cheating on my wife three years ago." "Edwina:" "Oh, goody, man talk." "I never intended to." "Women just started throwing themselves at me." "( sarcastically ) Oh, you must be joking." " What?" " ( coughs ) I must be choking." "Anyway, I know it's not because I'm Paul Newman or anything." "( chuckling ) You can say that again." " What?" " I said, uh, could you say that again?" "I'm not Paul Newman." "Not Paul Newman." "Anyway..." "It seems that one of my wife's best friends suddenly lost her husband." "Well." "Women usually do outlive their men." "So, naturally, she found herself cut off from her normal sexual relations, and, uh..." "She turned to you and you comforted her." "I understand, sir, you really didn't do anything wrong." "Oh, you better believe it." "I was incredible." "I see, sir." "I think I can figure out the rest." "And then another one was widowed." "Okay, so, two little indiscretions." "That's not such a big deal." "And then, another one." "And, uh, another." "And, uh, pretty soon, just going to a funeral would give me a hard-on." "Edwina:" "Speaking on behalf of the dead, I find this disgusting." "I think I got the picture now." "I'm not sure you do." "You see, it's not just sex." "Let me tell you." "These sweet darling ladies have given new purpose to my life." "They given me the opportunity to give something back to the world instead of just take, take, take." " Are you all right?" " Fine." "Fine!" "Edwina:" "Ops, sorry." "Anyway, you understand what I'm saying?" "I get to give love and happiness to people who really need and appreciate it." "Hell, I'm the west coast distributor of love and happiness." "And for that, I have to go to court?" "Now I don't deserve that." "I should get a dinner!" "Edwina:" "He should get a social disease." " I won't let you down." " I'm counting on you, son." "( Roger to himself ) Shake hands with him." "Like a man." "( laughing ) Crazy musicians." "You won't regret this." "I know I won't." "If I do, you'll never practice in the free world again." "( nervous laugh )" "Edwina:" "I certainly hope you plan on losing that case." "How did it go, Roger?" "( Roger to himself ) The only thing I plan on losing is you!" "( door slams )" "Nice talking to you, Roger." "You know, you have a great deal to learn about making someone feel welcome." "Let's get something straight, here." "I never liked you when you were in your body," "I certainly don't like you in mine!" "Well, I don't see why you're getting so upset about all this." "Because I want my body back!" "And I want my freedom and my privacy." "And most of all, I'd like to be able to take a leak without being fondled!" "You may find this hard to believe, but fondling you while you make pee-pee, is not my idea of a good time." "Fine!" "Fine!" "It's two o'clock." "I have a lot to work to do." "I want you out of me by 3:15." "Now, where's the swami?" "Well... you know he's never been away from Tibet." "So, I put him up at the Ambassador." "Let's see." "What is that number?" "Hotels, H, H, H," "Let's see." "( humming )" "Let your fingers do-- ( gasps )" "Here it is, The Ambassador." "( gasps )And look over here." "The Arlington." "That's where mommy in the spring of sixty-two had her amethyst stolen from her in the elevator." "It was just so distressing." "( shouting ) Give me that!" "( chanting softly )" "( flushes toilet - telephone rings )" "( telephone rings - continues to flush toilet )" "( ringing stops )" "No, he hasn't checked out." "( sighs ) Oh, dear." "Yeah, oh, dear." "Don't worry, I know where to find him." " Good going, Edwina." " It's Miss Cutwater to you." " Hello, Margo." " Oh, hi, Peg." "Roger:" "Any woman who fondles me in a men's room," "I think I can be on a first name basis with!" "That's not fair." "You told me to pull out your penis." "How about a cup of coffee?" "Where is she?" "( under his breath ) Oh, boy." "Where is she!" "?" " There's nobody here." " Liar!" "I heard her!" "So you want to get married and settle down, huh?" "Peggy, I swear, there's nobody else here." "Come out, you little slut." " Who is she calling a slut?" " Shhh!" "I heard that." "( growling )" "Come on, deny it." "Where is she?" "It was me." "Bix, stop that." " What was you?" " The voice you heard." "I was talkin' to myself." "Listen... your perfume suits you." "It's cheap and common." "Edwina:" "At least she slapped your side." "And who did I heard you say was fondling you in the men's room?" " Me." " Liar!" "Edwina:" "How dare she." " Peggy: ( screams )" " Edwina!" "Edwina?" "My name is Peggy, you pig!" "( hollers ) No, let me explain." "It's Edwina Cutwater." "She died today." "You did it with a dead woman?" " No!" " Roger, you are sick." "T o think I came up here to even discuss marrying you." "Despite the fact that I heard what you're doing to my mother." "How did your mother get into this?" "I just found out you're going to court tomorrow to represent the other side against my own mother." "I'm respecting your father." "You're going to try to beat my mother." " Oh, God!" " Roger, you go to court tomorrow, we're through." "If I don't, your father will have my balls." "Then it's either me or your balls, Roger." "But you can't have both." "Hmm, very interesting choice." "I'm not certain what purpose balls actually serve but they've got to make a better pair than the two of you." " Well?" " I'm very attached to them, Peg." "Goodbye, Roger." "By the way..." "I never liked your dog and I think jazz is stupid!" "( door slams )" "( door opens )" "And I faked all those orgasms." "( panting )" "( screaming - laughing )" "Sound familiar?" "Yeah, well, I faked mine, too." "Aw, believe me, we're better off without her." "She just isn't right for us." "( screams )" "You know, ever since our little accident," "I have sensed a lot of hostility coming from you." "Well, excuse me!" "But I'm watching my entire career go down the sewer, 'cause I've got a dead woman living inside me." "And the only person who can get you out is some... cosmic weirdo you can't even find." "I can so find him." "I think." "Wait, I'm sure I know where he'll be this evening." "Do you have a car?" "( car tires screeching ) Edwina laughing:" "Oh, this is fun." "Roger:" "Shift, damn it." " Shifting, whee!" " What are you doing?" "I never learned how to drive." "Which is it, one of these pedal things?" "Roger:" "The brakes, not the gas!" "Edwina:" "The brakes, the gas, I don't know which one it is." "Bix, let go of her." "( growling )" "Edwina:" "Stop it. ( screams )" "I'm going to strangle this mangy mongrel." "Roger:" "All right, that's it." "Edwina:" "This isn't the way." "Where are we going?" "It's enough that I have to put up with you," "But I will not subject my dog to this one minute more." "( skidding )" "Tyrone." "Oh, great, I gotta talk to you." "Hey, Roger Dodger." "I got a call from the union about some gig." "They wouldn't tell me who recommended me, but I smelled your finger prints all over it." " Thank you, bro." " It was nothing really." "( effeminately ) Can we get on with this, please?" "Who's that?" "Someone with you?" "Sort of, yeah." "Well, where are your manners, chump?" "Introduce me to the lady." "Edwina Cutwater, Tyrone Wattell." " Pleased to meet you." " Pleased to meet you." "Hairy knuckles for a chick." "Look, I need your help." "Can you take care of Bix for a couple of days?" "Oh, sure, I'd be" "Wait a minute, Roger, what's wrong?" "I really don't think I can explain it." "( sternly ) What's wrong, Roger." "Well, Edwina died today." "Her soul entered me and took over the right half of my body." "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" "I knew you'd understand." "Thanks for not having me committed." "Roger." "I got a lot of friends crazier than you, but I ain't got many better." "Thanks, pal." "Go with him, Bix." "Come on, Bix." "( barking )" "Nice meetin' you, Edwina." "Bye." "( engine revving - tires squeal )" "Minister:" "A woman who would rather buy a candle, than curse the darkness." "You pack 'em in, don't you?" "Hello." "Come in." " I can start over if you'd like." " Uh, no, thank you." "And we wonder, O Lord, what it means when a person passes away and so few take the time to pay final respects." "Edwina:" "Oh, big deal." "Roger:" "He's not here, let's go find him." "However, we received a number of mailgrams, from bereaved loved ones." "Edwina:" "Wait!" "Wait!" "I must hear this." "Lady, I have to prepare for the most important case of my life," "let's get out of here, okay?" "Edwina:" "No." "I want to hear these mailgrams." " Oh, I really got to" " I mean it, sit!" "Very touching." "We will miss her." "The Bel Air Oxygen Supply Company." "She was truly a great customer," "J _ J Wheelchairs." "Edwina:" "Oh, they remembered." "From Browing Orthopedic Mattresses..." "May she continue to rest in peace." "Edwina:" "Oh, how deeply touching." "( choir begins to sing )" " Mr. Cobb." " Huh?" "Mr. Cobb?" "Oh, hi." " What time is it?" " Almost midnight." "Mr. Cobb, this morning you were going to tell me how you knew it didn't work." "( sighs )" "Edwina?" " She's asleep." " Who's asleep?" "Edwina." "Don't wake her." "Wow." "This is great." "When she's asleep." "Mr. Cobb, Miss Cutwater is dead." "No." "She's not." "She entered me instead of you." "What?" " Where's the swami?" " I haven't seen him." "Maybe he's back at the hotel." "I just called, there's no answer." "Well, we should go there and wait for him." "I've got to find that guy." "I can't take more..." " Oh, God!" " You poor dear." "You must relax." "Stop worrying." "Oh, no." "I really think we oughta go find him." "I'm sure he'll be at the funeral tomorrow morning." "And if Miss Cutwater really is inside you, he will help her leave your body, and enter mine." "I think I envy her." "Mr. Cobb, this morning when I placed your hand on my heart, did you feel anything special?" "Yes," "I felt your left" "Yes, I felt something very special pass between us." "Oh, Mr. Cobb, by this time tomorrow my soul will be gone." "I want to know love one last time." "Don't you think we really oughta go" "Please, Mr. Cobb." "Let me take the memory of passion to sustain me in the next world." "So this would be like for a good cause?" "Oh, yes." "We have to be very quiet." "I'm not sure that will be possible." "It's a good cause." "It's a good cause." "I'm ready, Mr. Cobb." "T ake me." "Shhh!" "Keep sleeping, Edwina." "Now." "( both moaning )" "Edwina:" "What-- what is all this?" "What's going on here?" " No." " Oh, yes." "Edwina:" "What are you doing to her?" "Roger:" "Nothing." "I'm not doing anything." "Go back to sleep, you're dreaming." "Why, Miss Hoskins!" "You whore!" "You lascivious whore." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes." "You're a shameless little slut." " Yes." " Shut up!" "Talk dirty." "You're a cheap sex tramp." "( laughing ) Good!" "Now call me a poodle, Mr. Cobb." "Call me a cheap slut, sex poodle." "Why you deserve a good spanking!" "( excitedly ) Oooh!" "Mr. Cobb!" "Oh you, you little bad bunny." " Edwina, no!" " Mr. Cobb, yes." "You love rocket." "( gasps ) Stop talking like that." "Oh, spank me again, you bad boy." "Edwina, stop it!" "I will not!" "She should be ashamed of herself." "And you should, too!" "Hey, hey, hey stop!" "Mr. Cobb?" "For God's sake, Edwina, go away, will you?" "I own that body!" "What if you got her pregnant?" "You have no right." "No, you have no right." "And you have no class." "You're rude, crude and thoroughly unattractive." "God, it is Miss Cutwater." "I'm sorry you had such a lousy life." "I really am." "But just because nobody ever did this with you doesn't mean the rest of us have to go without." "As a matter of fact, I am quite proud of my virginity!" "It's something I have always treasured." "Of course you did!" "Nobody else ever wanted it!" "( door slams ) T erry, wait!" "( sighs )" "Lady... if Prakha Cocker doesn't show up by tomorrow" "I'm going to get a lobotomy... or a high colonic or something." "But you're getting the keys to the street." "Oh, stop being such a martyr." "As soon as I'm not dead anymore, I'll pay you for your trouble." "Pay me?" "Oh, Jesus," "I just realized why no one showed up at your memorial services." "You forgot to hire mourners." "Edwina:" "You are an insensitive horse's ass, do you know that?" "Oh, drop dead." "Look, Cobb, I am talking to you." "For your information, there's a perfectly good reason nobody showed up at my memorial service." "Yeah, what?" "I don't have any friends." "I'm looking back at an entire lifetime and I don't have one friend." "( begins to sob ) I never had any friends." "I've had only nannies and tutors and servants and nurses." "( sniffling )" "Once my parents hired a clown to entertain me, but he didn't like me." "And when my parents weren't in the room, he'd just sit there." "( sobbing ) He didn't lift a finger to amuse me." "That's a terrible clown." "Yes." "Well, that's not all." "When Fred's daughter was a little girl, she'd come to my house to visit her father and the nurses would push my oxygen tent over to the bedroom window so I could watch her and all of her little friends" "ride my horses and swim in my pool and run and play and laugh" "( sobbing ) and dance." "Then I swore, I'd give every cent I ever had to be able to do all that." "T o be free." "T o be like her." "( sighing ) Well, I've humiliated myself." "Anyway, what I really wanted to say was" "I'm sorry if I spoiled your birthday." "And I'm sorry if I made you being dead an unpleasant experience." "I am dead, aren't I?" "Oh, please, make me not dead." "( continues to cry )" "I can't, Edwina." "( clears throat ) No sense wishing." "Oh, I feel much better." "It's really late." "Why don't you go back to sleep." "Well, aren't you coming to bed?" "( yawns ) I can't." "I've got to prepare for this case tomorrow." "You go to sleep." "Edwina: ( yawning ) Okay." "Good night, Roger." "Good night, Edwina." "Edwina:" "Roger?" "Roger?" "Roger, wake up." "Wake up, Roger." "Funeral time." "Let's go." "We've got to get up, Roger." "Come on!" "Up, up, up, up." "Let's go!" "( sighs ) Did you have a good night's sleep last night?" "Oh, yeah." "Got the full seven-- seven and a half minutes." "Oh, God." "( chanting )" "( telephone rings )" "( flushes toilet - telephone continues to ring )" "Edwina:" "Roger!" "All right!" "All right!" "I'm awake." "I'm awake." "Edwina:" "Well you have no idea what it's like to be inside a healthier body than you've ever been in before." "I know." "That's what I was trying to find out last night." "I can not believe you're still upset about that." "Careful, careful." "Of course you can't." "Can we hurry this up, please?" "See, your problem is, you don't understand how life is to be lived." "It's to be experienced and savored." "Edwina:" "Oh, I know that you big dope." "Why do you think I've gone to so much trouble and expense to buy myself another chance?" "( gargling )" "'Cause you're operating under the mistaken assumption that it's going to make a difference." "Oh, come on." "It will, too, make a difference." "Inside your new body you'll still be the same 'ol sour puss." "You'll wind up as bitter and alone as you always have been." "Edwina:" "Oh, I think not." "I'm gonna dance, Roger." "I'm gonna twirl and whirl and spin." "I'm gonna cha-cha-cha." "I'm gonna dip deeply." " Go like this." " It's too unattractive." "So is a deep scar." "Just do as I say, we don't have time to argue." "( mumbling ) What's the big hurry anyway?" "My funeral's not until 10:30." "I have to be in court at 8:30." "How are you gonna make the 10:30 funeral if you have to be in court?" "I'll figure it out at 10:29, okay?" "You are so cranky when you haven't had enough sleep." "And you recognize your signature on this check?" "Yes." "And on this?" "Yes." "And this?" "Yes." "No further questions." "Counselor?" "Edwina:" "Roger?" "Roger?" "Roger?" "Oh, my God." "You can't fall asleep on me now." "Judge:" "Counselor?" "( effeminately ) Just a second." "Edwina:" "Roger, please, wake up." "Counselor, the court is waiting." "Well..." "Your honor" "Edwina:" "Edwina, a man, act like a man." "( voice deepens ) Your honor, ah... ( clears throat ) your honor... ( grumbling - coughing )" "( clears throat - spits )" "Proceed with the witness." "What the hell's the matter with you?" "I'm just a little nervous, that's all." "( whispering ) Don't be nervous." "it's just your career that's at stake, that's all." "( gasps ) Mr. Schuyler... you didn't really give those women a half million dollars in gifts now, did you?" "Yes, I did." "Well, I'll bet you had a darn good reason to, now didn't you, sport?" "( whispering ) Why are you acting like this?" "Say yes." "Yes." "( scuffs )" "He had a darn good reason." " Proceed." " Proceed?" "Edwina:" "Proceed, Edwina, like a man." "Like a man." "( gagging sounds )" "( effeminately ) Wait a second, every Christmas you gave me" "( voice deepens ) You gave Miss Cutwater darling little gifts, now didn't you?" " Yeah." " So, it's your practice." "Indeed, ladies and gentlemen of the world." "It's standard practice among many business professionals to reward valued clients with gifts, is it not?" "( blows nose )" "( clears throat ) Yeah." "( excitedly ) Yes, it is!" "Objection!" "The money in question came from the Schuyler's personal account and not from the law firm." "And therefore cannot be construed as business gifts." "( gasps )" "Good point, toots." "Women, huh?" "Can't live with 'em," "Can't live without 'em." "Edwina:" "Oh, Roger, please wake up." "( sighs )" "Judge:" "Mr. Cobb?" "Edwina:" "I'm sorry, Roger." "( screaming ) Roger!" "Wake up!" "( panting )" "Mr. Cobb, are you all right?" "Yeah." "No problem." "How do you respond to the objection?" "Objection?" "Ah, could you read that back?" "The money in question came from the Schuyler's personal account, not from the law firm and therefore cannot be construed as business gifts." "( to himself ) Business gifts?" "Edwina:" "I'm sorry, I couldn't think of anything else." "Roger:" "Edwina, you're brilliant." "Your honor," "Mrs. Schuyler's sole source of support was Mr. Schuyler, whose sole source of income was the law firm." "So the better the law firm's business was the more money Mr. Schuyler could take home to Mrs. Schuyler." "Therefore, since business gifts are intended to increase business, the more generous Mr. Schuyler was with his gift giving, the better able he was to support Mrs. Schuyler in the manner to which she's become accustomed." "Give me a minute." "( sighs )" "( to himself ) Edwina, I could kiss you." "We're gonna win it." "I'm gonna get my partnership and we're gonna make that funeral." "Of course, none of those women were clients, but I won't tell anyone if you won't." "Edwina:" "What?" "I'm going to overrule the objection." "( gasping )" " Thank you, your honor." " Edwina:" "Just a second, if they're not his clients, then this isn't fair." "Your honor, I move we dismiss claims for damages on the grounds that those women were not his" "Shut up!" " What did you just say?" " Nothing." "Judge:" "Just tell me what you said." "I didn't say anything." " Were not his what?" " Nothing, your honor." "Those women were not his client" "Mr. Cobb, are you all right?" "Just bit my tongue, that's all." "Mr. Schuyler, were any of those women clients of yours?" "( effeminately ) Ah, here we go." "No!" "You're dead meat, buddy." "It's not me, it's Edwina Cutwater, her soul's inside me." "Oh, that's right, blame it all on me." "Well, it is your fault, I had this case won." "No, I had it won!" "But it would have been wrong!" "What the hell is going on here?" "It's not fair and I will not be a party to unfairness." "Edwina, we're in a court of law." "Fairness has nothing to do with it." "That will cost you five hundred dollars." "Contempt of court!" " Good for you, judge." " A thousand dollars!" " Will you shut up?" " No, you shut up!" "Fifteen hundred!" "Not you, her." "I got someone inside me!" "Well then both of you shut up!" "Don't you tell me to shut up, Charles." "I contributed to your campaign." "Two thousand dollars and bailiff throw this jackass out of my court!" "I'm going to the state bar." "You're a lunatic." "You can't do this to me." "Mifflin:" "He's not just a lunatic, he's a pervert, too." "He plays with himself in the men's room." "And he cheated on me, daddy." "He had sex with a dead body in your office." "You're fired, Cobb!" "Edwina:" "Oh, Roger, I see what you mean about life is to be savored." "It's so, it's so dramatic." "I am going to kill you." "Edwina:" "I was just trying to help." "You failed!" "You know what's happened to me since you've been helping me?" "I've lost me girl!" "I've lost my job!" "I've alienated my dog!" "I broke my sunglasses!" "You can't even get that kind anymore." " Stop helping me!" " You know, you are so ungrateful." "If it weren't for me you would get that partnership and then you'd have to take cases like that." "And kiss your father's high ideals goodbye." "You'd also be married to Peggy." "You call that savoring life?" "Look who's talking about savoring life." "I spent my life in a sick bed." "What's your excuse?" "You know, it's just like a dead person to say something like that." " How much to the airport?" " Uh, thirty bucks." "Make it a hundred." "Pan Am Airlines." "See that he gets on the plane." "Geez, lady, this plane don't leave till midnight." " Make it two hundred." " No problem." "No problem." "( car starts )" " Bon voyage." " Voyage?" "We're wasting our time here." "Let's get to the cemetery." "He better be there, lady." " Maybe T erry picked him up." " He just better be there!" "( elevator bell rigs )" "Edwina:" "Oh, there's the elevator." "Hurry!" "Oh, I love running." " Have you seen Prakha?" " I was hoping you had." "I stopped by the hotel this morning, but he wasn't there." "Oh, I'm ruined." "God." "( horns playing softly in the background )" "Edwina:" "What is that?" "And who are all those people behind my hearse?" "Roger:" "Oh, I invited them." "Edwina:" "What do you mean?" "Last night while you were asleep," "I wanted to surprise you." "I thought it might make your funeral a little more fun." "I don't know." "Edwina?" "Edwina?" "You got a little mirror?" "Uh, compact or something." "Thank you." "( music continues playing )" "( sobbing )" "Oh, Roger, thank you." "Okay, okay." "Don't make a big deal out of it." "I just" " I just did it 'cause I thought I liked you." "I've gotten over that since then." "Now, come on." "Edwina:" "It's all right." "I'm okay now." "( clears throat )" "Really, I'm fine." "( sniffling )" " You're okay?" " Yes. ( sobbing )" "It's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me." "Don't say that." "Well, it is." "You're the best friend I've ever had." "( sighs )" " Thanks." " Are you all right?" "Oh, yeah." "The music got to me." "Minister:" "...and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." "Amen." "crowd:" "Amen." "( dixieland style music begins )" "T erry?" "I have this terrible feeling we're never going to see Prakha Lasa again." "Oh, I gotta find that guy." " Maybe he's back at the hotel." " I told you, he's not there." "Let's call the police, file a missing persons report." "Hey, maybe he's trying to get home." " Let's check the airport." " Actually, you may be right about the hotel." "He's bound to turn up there eventually." " We should try there first." " Okay." " What are you doing?" " We may not have another chance." "Oh, but I really don't think I can" "Please, Roger," "I want to feel your naked skin next to mine." "I want to feel our bodies merge." "Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with a quick, little merge." "Edwina:" "Oh, no you don't." "Do we have to go through this again?" "Roger:" "Why don't you just relax, maybe you'll learn something." "Edwina:" "I thought we were going to find Prakha Lasa?" "Roger:" "I'm just taking a little breather, that's all." "Edwina:" "Yes, well, put your little breather back inside your trousers and let's go find him." " Roger, what's wrong?" " What?" "Don't I excite you?" "Roger:" "Edwina, what are you doing?" "Edwina:" "I am think of very old nuns." "Oh, please don't do this to me." "Roger, don't you want me?" "Oh, God." "Now she's thinking of dead kittens." "Would you excuse us?" "All right." "What happened to "Oh, Roger, you're my best friend"?" "I just don't feel like performing a sexual act on Fred's daughter." "Okay, okay." "How about if she preforms one on us?" " No!" " Please?" "No!" "No!" "What is so important about sex?" "What's so important about" "That's like saying, "What's so important about laughing?"" "or, Duke Ellington, or the World Series?" "It's one of those things that makes you feel like you're really living, like you're glad to be alive." "I am already glad to be alive." "I don't need to play tonsil hockey with some english tart, to feel good." "I already feel good." "I feel wonderful." "In fact, I feel... quite tingly." "That's right." "Those are my tingles you're feeling." "What do you mean?" "It's called sexual..." "...excitement." " It is?" "Yes." "And if you think this feels good, wait'll you feel hot... passionate... boffing feels like." "And what happens?" "Bigger tingles?" "Oh, major tingles." "But will she still respect us in the morning?" "She doesn't respect us now." "Let's boff." "Edwina: ( gasps ) Oh, dear, this could be sort of embarrassing." "Roger:" "For who?" "Edwina:" "For me." "As soon as I get T erry's body, you'll know what I look like naked." "Roger:" "I swear to God I'll never tell anyone." "Edwina:" "Okay, thank you." "Roger:" "You're welcome." "Now, shut up!" "Edwina:" "Well, what should I do?" "How can I help?" "Roger:" "Fantasize." "Edwina:" "Okay, I'm good at that." " Oh, T erry." " Oh, Roger." "Oh, Clark." "Wait a second." "Wait!" "( sighs )" " What are you doing?" " I'm fantasizing." "I know, my head is filled with pictures of Clark Gable taking his shirt off." "I know." "Isn't that hot?" "No!" "It's sort of cooling me off, if you know what I mean?" "It's making me tingle like crazy, Roger." "Great, great." "Now, just throw in a couple of women on top of him and we're in business, okay?" "( reluctantly ) Okay." " Is it all right now?" " Sort of." "She's got the whole cast of Gone With The Wind humping in my head." "( moaning )" " Oh, Roger." " Oh, T erry." "Edwina:" "Oh, Clark." "Vivian and Olivia." "Oh, Ashley and Butterfly." "( glass breaking )" "T erry:" "Oh, no." "Son-of-a-bitch." "Son-of-a-bitch?" "I don't believe it." "Prakha, where the hell have you been?" "Been?" "The airport?" "What the hell were you doing at the airport?" "Prakha:" "Airport?" "Prakha, Prakha, it's now time for Miss Cutwater's soul to enter miss Hoskins." "Enter miss Hoskins?" "It's me, Prakha, I'm inside Roger." " ( hollers )" " Go warm up the bowl." "Yeah!" "( continues hollering )" "( Prakha begins chanting )" "T erry?" "I guess it wasn't meant to be between us." "I'll always regret that." "But I want you to know that, wherever it is you're going," "I hope you'll be very happy." "Oh, I will." "I've got a wonderful house and beautiful horses and all the money in the world why shouldn't I be happy?" "What?" "( chuckles ) Well... if you think I'm really going to go through with this, you're not just stupid, you're crazy." "What do you mean?" "I'll handle this." "What do you mean?" "When I first heard about this I thought, if the mad woman wants to give her money away, she may as well give it to me, but I never really thought that the flying nun here would pull it off." "Wait a second." "you just can't leave her in me!" "I'd really love to stay and chat, darling, but you served your purpose." "And I've got to get back to my mansion, and get ready for my party." "Ciao." "Oh, by the way, don't bother coming." "The guards will have orders to keep you out." "Bye, Roger." "Goodbye, Miss Cutwater." "So long, Prakha." "( chanting )" "Please, don't say it." "Oh, dear God." "All I wanted was a second chance." "A fair shake." "Instead I've made a complete mess of your life." "And I've..." "I've left all my money to a lying, cheap slut, sex poodle." "Oooh!" "Prakha, I want you to release my soul." "Give Roger his freedom." "No!" "She double crossed us, we can fight this." "No." "Perhaps Prakha can put my soul into an eagle." "Or some wonderful bird, Roger." "So that I can fly free with the wind." "Hover over my house and shit on her head." "Stop talking like that." "I can't help it." "I'm pissed." "I became a lawyer because I wanted to fight in justice." "I wanted to help the little guy against the big guy." "Big guy!" "Instead, I wound up representing powerful rich people like you." "But now, don't you see, you're pauper." "You're bilked out of what is rightfully yours by Miss T erry Hoskins, who is today one of the wealthiest women in the state of California." "And you wanna be a bird?" "Forget it!" "Oooh!" "Don't go soft on me now." "Oh, it's not that." "It's just that offering you your freedom is the first unselfish thing I've ever done." "How's it feel?" "Oh, wonderful." "You're okay, Edwina." "Give me the number of the Fulton Norris Orchestra, please." "Dad, you don't have to do that." "You're not an employee anymore." " Someone's got to do it." " I shall hire someone." "Pack your things." "You're moving up to the house." "I won't move in there." "It's not right." "Yes, you will." "I won't have people saying my father lives in a stable." "I bought you a tuxedo." "You're coming to the party tonight." "For God's sake take a bath!" "You know, you're nicer to that horse than you are to people." "Why don't you take him to your party?" "If I thought it were appropriate, I would." "Oh, you're lucky you're a gelding." "Norris:" "Snap it up, guys." "Thank you." "Smile please." "And if you have to winkle let's do it now." "We'll have a full rehearsal in five minutes." "Come on, come on." "Come on." "Roger, exactly how you plan on pulling' this off?" "Beats the heck outta me." "Well, if I can be of any help at all, you in worse trouble than I thought." "That's right." "Roger:" "Strum, strum, strum." "Edwina:" "Oh, this is so much more fun than being a lawyer." "Roger:" "I know." "Edwina:" "I think you should forget the law and become a musician full time." "Roger:" "Oh, it's a nice dream, but I can't." "Edwina:" "Roger, there's nothing sadder then looking back at the end of your life and saying," ""I didn't do it right." And believe me, I know." "Roger:" "Yeah, my solo's comin' up." "I need control of my hand." " Can you give it to me?" " Sure." "( hard rock riff )" "Edwina:" "Oops, sorry again." "( heavy sigh )" "Is this some sort of a joke?" "You didn't like that?" "Listen, I'll be okay." "I just need a minute." "All right, gentlemen." "Let's take a break." "Who are those guys?" " Bring the bowl." " The bowl." "Come on." "You know, your friend's a real freak." "Thank you." "Fred:" "See you in the mornin'." "I'm gonna put on a bloody tuxedo." "( chanting )" "Oh, Edwina?" "Okay, Miss Hoskins." "Hoskins." " Grab the bowl!" " Stop it!" "( chanting )" "Edwina in bowl?" " Where's Edwina?" " Edwina." " Edwina in water?" " Edwina." "You just made a big mistake, buster." "Guards!" "Can you put Edwina back in the bowl?" "Back in bowl." "Yes, back in bowl." " Yes, back in bowl." " Back in bowl." "Nyhm." "Nyhm?" "Whatta you mean?" "Oh, you have to fix the bowl?" " Fix bowl." " Fix bowl." " Fix bowl." " Fix bowl." " You put Edwina back in bowl." " Back in bowl." "Edwina, back in bowl." " Go fix bowl." " Go fix bowl." "Go, go, go!" "Edwina, if you can hear me, blow some bubbles or something." "I'm talking to a bucket." "Get the bucket." "Get the bucket." "Don't let him get away." "Hurry!" "Ty, feel this." "T ake good care of it." "What is it?" "It's very, very special." "No problem." "Hey, where are you going with that green bucket?" "Get out of my way!" "Oooh, damn!" "It's all right." "No!" "Want us to throw him out, ma'am?" "No, he's harmless." "Goodbye, Edwina." "Good evening." "Ah, Mr. Mifflin." "Good evening, Mr. Schuyler." "We have rather a pleasant orchestra." "Why don't you come and dance?" "Good evening, senator." "Daddy, how debonair." "Oh, good evening." "I'm T erry Hoskins." "Welcome to Hoskins Manner." "( singing quietly ) All of me... why not take all of me... can't you see..." "I'm no good without..." "God rest her wonderful soul." "I'll never forget her." "Just remember how comforting it will be to look around this magnificent home and always see a little bit of Edwina in everything." "Yes, especially the flower bed." "Yes." "Ty, I thought I had everything under control." "I'm sorry mah man." "I did not see her grab the pitcher." "You know what I'm sayin'?" "It's not your fault, Ty." "Oh, man, I feel empty." "You know, I know this sounds crazy... but I actually miss the old girl." "Who are you calling an old girl?" "It's not funny, Ty." "I'm not trying to be funny, you-- you peasant." "Edwina?" "No, it's Pearl Bailey." "Who the hell do you think it is?" "Oh, Edwina." "Hey, hey, that's my side, stupid." " I'm over here." " What are you doing in Ty?" "How should I know, I can't see a thing in here." "Oh, man, when you set that pitcher down here and said take care of it, I thought it was gin and I drank some." "You mean you've been inside all the time?" "Why didn't you say something?" "I wanted to see if you missed me." "Cute, cute, cute, oh God!" "Come on, Ty." "Come on." " Come on." " Hey, Bix." "Prakha?" "Fix bowl." " Ah, fix bowl." "Great." " Edwina in water?" "No, no!" "Edwina not in water." "You're not gonna believe this." "Say something." "Your holiness, it is I, Edwina Cutwater." "( both laughing )" "I fail to see humor in the situation." "He drank her." "Drink her." "He drink her." "He drink her?" "If it had not been for Mr. Wattell..." "I'd be Edwina the flower bed right now, you big dope." "Big dope!" "Look, look." "T ake Edwina out, put back in me." " In me." " Okay?" "Okay." "Really?" "It's the only safe place." "Edwina:" "Oh, you really are my friend." "Tyrone:" "I sure hope nobody else can see this." "( chanting )" "Good night." "We're in the Roosevelt, you know." "Yes." "If you need anything you call Grace." "Good night." "Ty, don't be crazy." "You gotta get back on the bus." "No way, Jose." "I gotta find out how this megillah ends." " Ty!" " Besides..." "I can be of help." "Walking around in the dark is my territory." " Okay, you're hired." " Thank you." "Oh, God!" "this way." "What kind of seein' eye dog is this anyway?" "You hang back here." "Hang back here." "Edwina:" "Hi, sailer." "( whispering ) Are you having a good time?" "I am." "I hope I have as much fun in my new body as I've had in yours." "Thanks." "There she is." "Roger, now that you know what a horrible person she is... aren't you glad you weren't intimate with her?" "I thank my lucky stars." "I'm glad you said that." "I've been thinking... if things work out, you just might get another chance." "Oh, Edwina Cutwater." "That's our cue." " Let's go." " Let's go." "Ty, watch your head." "Shhh!" "Come on Prakha, come on." "Bix, go outside, go on." " Prakha, take care of Ty." " Ty." " Take care of Ty." " Ty." "Good." "Shhh!" "Oooh!" "( loud clang )" "( shhshing each other )" "Hello, darling." "Watta you waitin' for, Roger?" "Grab her!" "( cocks trigger ) Watch out man, I think she's got a gun." "Let's all take a little walk now, shall we?" "Where we goin'?" "Shhh, you don't want to wake up the other guests." "What are you going to do?" "I shall say you sneaked back into the house to rob me." "Oh, we in trouble, Roger." "That you took this gun from my night table." "Big trouble." "You led me at gunpoint to a quiet room." "This is it." "Get in there!" "How do you expect to get away with this?" "I'll just tell the truth." "You brought me to this room..." "we struggled, I grabbed the gun." "What the hell is going on?" "( gun fires )" "Watch out!" "Sounds like a gunshot!" "Somebody's fighting now, Roger." "Somebody just knocked over some furniture." "Sounds like an end table with tchothkes keys on it, Roger." "It's okay, now." "It's all over." "Who won?" " We did, Ty." " I'm calling the police." "Good idea." "Who's that?" "No, don't!" "I won't go back to jail." "Back to jail?" "Who's going back to jail?" "T erry?" "Where did all these people come from?" "Get me the police." " Police?" " That's right." "This is attempted homicide." "Two counts, maybe." "Oh, no." "That'll be her third conviction." "Third conviction?" "You're a three time loser." "You're going into the slammer and they're going to throw away the key." "I won't go back." "I promise I'll kill myself first." "She would, you know." "Hello, police?" "Yes, this is Burton Schuyler." "I want to report an attempted homicide." " Yes, I'm over here" " Stop!" "Miss Cutwater..." "Yes?" "If I go to jail, I take my body with me." "Hang up, Schuyler." "I'll make a deal with you." "( chanting )" "T erry." "O, my lord, that was powerful." "Edwina." "Roger." "It worked." "It really worked." "Is T erry in there, too?" "She's gone." "T erry?" "Are you sure this is what you want, honey bun?" "( whinnies )" "Thank you, ma'am." "I don't know how I'm going to explain this to her parole officer." "Thank you." "That's quite all right, Fred." "Come on, baby." "I'm gonna fix you up a nice private stable and never leave daddy again." "No more thieving, no more swindling... just runnin' and prancin' and jumpin for the rest of your life." "( plays mellow jazz song )" "( ding )" "( ding )" "( ding )" "( ding )" "( ding )" "( plays upbeat jazz song )" "So, how do you feel?" "Alive and healthy and... and scared." "Why?" "Because I finally got what I always wanted... and I've no excuses anymore." "Yeah, welcome to the real world." " What?" " Tingles." "It's supposed to." "You oughta try it more often." "Is that advice from my lawyer?" "Lawyer, hell." "I'm no lawyer." "I'm a musician." " You are?" " Yeah." "You know, I've had more real feeling in the last two days than I've had in the last ten years in that damn office." "Those papers stacked up to here and that florescent lighting burning off all my vitamins." "Unlike you, most of us only get to go around once in life and" "I'm not going to spend the rest of mine sitting behind a desk." "Oh, I love it when you talk like a beer commercial." "Hey, let's dance." "I don't know how." "Oh, it's easy." "Now, put your feet on top of mine." "Come on." "This is how kids learn how to dance." "See?" "Try it with your own feet." "~ All of me ~" "~ Why not take all of me ~" "~ Can't you see ~" "~ I'm no good without you ~" "~ T ake my lips ~" "~ I want to loose them ~" "~ T ake my arms ~" "~ I'll never use them ~" "~ Your goodbye ~" "~ Left me with eyes that cry ~" "~ How can I go on without you ~" "~ You took the part ~" "~ That once was my heart ~" "~ So why not take all of me ~" "~ Why not take all... ~" "~ Of me ~" "~ T ake all of me ~" "~ Can't you see ~" "~ I'm no good without you ~" "~ T ake my lips ~" "~ I want to loose them ~" "~ And take my arms ~" "~ I'll never use them ~" "~ Your goodbye ~" "~ Left me with eyes that cry ~" "~ How can I go on without you ~" "~ You took the part ~" "~ That once was my heart ~" "~ So why not, why not, why not, why not, why not ~" "~ Why not, why not, why not, why not, why not ~" "~ Why not take all of me ~" "~ Why not take all of me, baby ~" "~ Why not take all of me ~" "~ Why not take all of me. ~"