"♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪" "♪ My back is gettin' tight" "♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪" "♪ On the Queensboro Bridge tonight ♪" "♪ But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪" "♪ Is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life ♪" "♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪" "Doug:" "Follow the break." "Follow the break." "Oh, good Lord, I am gifted." "Hey, hey, hey, come here." "Come here." "What?" "Come here, quick." "Come here." "Come over here." "What?" "Look." "It's me bowling." "OK." "Glad I swallowed my gum for that." "I had Deke videotape my stroke, you know, to help me get ready for the tournament this weekend." "You want to watch it with frame advance?" "Do I!" "OK, ball back... plant... release... follow through." "Whoa!" "What?" "What?" "Looks like somebody needs to wear a belt when they bowl." "Oh, you're right." "Little too much alley on display right there." "It's weird." "I've never really... seen myself from that angle before." "Well, I have had the pleasure, so offy." "So what's in the bag?" "What's in the bag?" "Oh, just our future." "Does our future include any sort of chicken?" "'Cause I'm very, very hungry." "Sorry." "But get this." "Mr. Kaplan, as in, king of the whole friggin' law firm Mr. Kaplan, is getting ready to make me his new secretary." "Oh, come on." "That guy's been dangling that job in front of you for 2 years." "But he hasn't seen these." "Toy Dog:" "Please rub my tummy!" "I think you would have had a better shot with a hooker." "These are for his son." "He has a 4-year-old from his second marriage." "His wife is out of town, so he asked me if I would watch his son in the office for a couple days, and I said I would be delighted." "But you hate kids." "Not this one." "I'm going to ride this little putz all the way to the top." "All right, well, have fun." "I'm going to meet the guys down at the bowling alley to practice." "Bup, bup, bup, bup." "What?" "Belt." "Right-o." "Hey, you guys catch the Knick game last night?" "No." "Who won?" "Jeez, you believe they let the freakin' Grizzlies take them to overtime?" "Danny:" "Hello?" "Who won?" "The Knicks." "Why didn't you watch?" "Ah, I couldn't watch anything last night." "Spence was hooking up his new TiVo." "What's that?" "Ah, it's some new fancy digital thing that records television shows for you." "Except I'm not allowed to touch it." "But I'll tell you something." "If he thinks he's getting near my rice maker ever again, he's in for a rude surprise." "Mark my words!" "All right." "Hey, guys." "All:" "Hey!" "Hey, Tanya!" "What's going on?" "Listen, I just wanted to come over to say good-bye." "Today was my last day at the shoe rental counter." "[All Groan]" "Where you off to from here?" "Well, I got a job at Payless in Elmhurst." "It's going to be so nice to work with new shoes for a change." "I hear that." "But don't worry, you're going to love the new girl." "Her name's Denise." "She's very sweet." "All:" "Yeah." "All right." "Great." "Well, good luck in the tournament." "I'll see you guys." "All:" "Take care." "See you." "Bye-bye, T." "Wow." "It's like we just went from a Rolls-Royce to a Ford Fiesta." "From now on," "I'll be renting my shoes over the phone." "[All Laugh]" "That snack-bar waitress with the glass eye just moved up the charts." "Yeah, so did the alley boy." "[Laughs] [Laughs]" "You guys are being idiots, man." "Just give her a break." "Not until she gives me a break and starts wearing a paper bag." "[Laughs] [Laughs] [Laughs]" "Hey, where are you going?" "I'm going over there to talk to her, man." "Think how she feels." "Usually there are guys lined up like 3 deep to hit on Tanya." "But now look..." "nothing, right?" "You know what I'm going to do?" "I'm going to go over there and make her day." "Oh, hi." "Can I help you?" "So you must be this Denise I keep hearing about." "Yeah." "Well, Denise, I'm Doug, and on behalf of the entire Bowl-a-Rama family of bowlers...welcome." "Um..." "[Laughs] Thanks." "Wow." "Your eyes are killer." "They're like the exact same color as my ball." "Hey, shoe question for you." "Why do they make the half sizes with the line under the number, you know?" "Why not use just the old, like, half symbol, you know?" "What's the deal with that?" "Um, I--I really don't know." "It's crazy though, isn't it?" "Do you want to rent shoes or not?" "No, I, uh, I have my own." "Um, OK, well, I'll see you." "Wow." "She lit up like a Christmas tree." "Shutty." "Hello, Carrie." "Oh, hi, Mr. Kaplan." "And who is this?" "Is this the new lawyer I've been hearing about?" "[Laughs] No, no, he's a few years away from that." "Jordan, this is Carrie." "She's going to be your friend for the next few days." "Hi." "Hi, Jordan." "We're going to have a lot of fun." "Oh, if we only had some toys." "Uh-oh, you found them." "Good work, buddy." "All these toys you bought." "My goodness." "Oh, I'm happy to do it." "Is this the kind of stuff he usually likes?" "To tell you the truth, I have no idea." "His mother handles the day-to-day stuff." "Anyway, Carrie, thanks a lot." "You're a lifesaver." "My own secretary wanted no part of this." "Just one more reason for me to give old Marge the heave-ho." "Well, that's none of my affair." "All I know is I love kids, and I could have that desk packed up in 5 minutes." "[Laughs]" "Well, Jordan, just have fun." "Daddy will come get you at lunchtime." "Do you like Indian food?" "We'll figure it out." "See ya." "OK." "Bye-bye." "Hey, what you got there?" "A train?" "Choo choo!" "Choo" "Oh, I..." "I didn't mean for you to stop, I..." "No, come on, you got to get the train going to the next station, or it's going to--whoa." "OK." "[Laughs] I don't think that's the next station, buddy." "Ha ha." "No, it's right here by Mr. Teddy Bear." "Choo--whoa." "All right." "Um..." "Jordan, honey, you see all these things on the floor here?" "Those are your toys." "Yeah." "And these 2 things on my body?" "Those are not your toys." "No, no, no, no." "Ha ha." "Hey, since you like squeezing things, why don't we play with this stuff, huh?" "This is good." "It's fun." "You can make it into a ball, or a snake" "OK." "[Knock On Door]" "Coming." "Oh, hey, Holly." "Hey, Spence." "Is my little guy ready for his walk?" "Oh, more than ready." "He had some Snausages last night that did not agree with him." "Been there, done that." "Hey, um, do you want to see my new purchase?" "Oh, your Spider-Man suit?" "You modeled it for me last week." "No, no, no, no, no." "It's--it's my TiVo." "See, it's this thing that records TV shows, but the cool part is, it's intuitive." "See, once you program in some shows you like, it gets to know your taste, and then automatically picks out and records shows for you." "Wow." "See ya." "No, no, no, no." "Come here." "Just come sit." "Now, the other day," "I programmed in Sex in the City, Six Feet Under, a few other favorites." "And now...presto." "A whole list of shows TiVo recorded just for me." "Oh." "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert." "Never heard of it, but TiVo knows I like it." "Judy Garland:" "Live at Carnegie Hall." "Uh, OK, I" "Decorating with Style." "I--I--don't know why" "Queer as Folk." "Oh, my God!" "TiVo thinks I'm gay!" "All right, boys, it's time to get serious here." "This is our last practice before the big dance." "Tomorrow the world learns what the men of IPS are made of." "[Laughs] Yeah, let's do it!" "Hey, who's our first match against?" "Uh..." "Mail Boxes Etc." "Damn post office wannabes!" "Ah, crap." "Anybody got an extra lace?" "Uh, no, I don't have one, but, um, why don't you go get one from your girlfriend?" "Yeah, go ahead, make her night." "[Laughs]" ""Make her night."" "That is so great!" "[Laughing]" "Oh, man, you're good!" "Oh!" "Come on, man, look, she did dust you off pretty good." "All right, look, she's new around here, OK?" "Maybe she's just nervous in front of the customers." "Sure, that's it." "[Laughs]" "Hi." "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I need a pack of laces." "How much?" "Um, I'm not sure." "Let me ask my boyfriend." "Trevor!" "Yeah?" "Um, sorry to bother you, sweetie, but, um, this guy says he broke a lace." "Broke a shoelace?" "Yeah, they break." "They're not made of steel." "That's a buck." "Thank you." "Babe, you look hot tonight." "[Chuckles] Come on, stop." "We're at work." "Anything else?" "No, that's all." "Thanks." "Unbelievable." "What happened?" "She must've thought I was hittin' on her last night, 'cause she made a big show of trotting out her boyfriend in front of me. "Hey, sweetie, I love you!" "Please help me sell this sweaty, horrible man a shoelace."" "Well, who's her boyfriend?" "That guy right there." "That guy?" "That's her brother!" "[All Laughing]" "Her brother?" "She had to get her brother to pretend to be her boyfriend?" "I'm that much of a sleazeball?" "[All Laughing]" "I guess so!" "Hey, I was doing her a favor!" "It was a mercy flirt!" "[All Laughing]" "Carrie:" "See, Jordan, those are Chinese handcuffs." "Uh-oh!" "Now your hands are stuck." "It's fun being stuck, isn't it?" "Let's be stuck all day." "But I will read you a little book," "OK, while you are--ohh!" "No!" "No!" "What a pair!" "What?" "!" "The two of you." "You look great together." "Oh!" "How's it going?" "Um, well, actually, uh..." "It's going great." "It really is." "Fantastic." "Yeah..." "You really are a lifesaver." "You have fun, kiddo." "[Chuckles]" "Hey, sweetie, you wanna grab some dinner?" "Anything but Chinese, though, 'cause I had Chinese for lunch." "Unless you really want Chinese." "Let's get Chinese!" "Anybody home?" "Uh, I'm not hungry." "What?" "What's wrong?" "Oh, it's this thing with Kaplan's kid." "What's the matter?" "You got a little Dennis the Menace on your hands, huh?" "What, he put a frog in your desk?" "Give you a little hot foot?" "He feels me up constantly." "Huh?" "Yeah." "He grabs my breasts every chance he gets." "Come on, he's a kid!" "That's what kids do." "And besides, I remember you laughin' pretty hard when Deacon's baby used my dealie as a speed bag." "Doug, this is totally different!" "I mean, this kid-- he--he's old enough to know exactly what he's doing!" "I'm being sexually harassed!" "You are not." "I am!" "Think about it." "OK?" "The kid gropes me," "I can't complain about it, or I won't get my promotion." "That's Sexual Harassment 101." "He's no better than any other sleazeball who thinks all women are fair game." "Oh, so you just assume he's a sleazeball." "Yeah, I do." "Really?" "Did you ever stop to think that maybe he's just throwing you a mercy flirt?" "Huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah, maybe that he's just feeling you up as a favor to you?" "Huh?" "Yeah." "What?" "!" "Yeah, you women are all the same, you know that?" "You think that every guy's after you 'cause you're so irresistible!" "Hey, here's an idea--why don't you get your brother to pretend to be your boyfriend?" "That'll show him!" "What are you talking-- I don't even" "I don't have a brother!" "Oh, please!" "Doug, what are you sticking up for him for?" "I mean, you should be going down to my office and beating' the crap out of him!" "OK... first of all, I haven't beaten the crap out of a 4-year-old since I was 8." "And second of all," "I'm with the boy on this one." "Sorry if that's a kick in the cornflakes, but that's the way it is, sister!" "You're crazy!" "Oh, here we go, all men are crazy!" "No, not all men, just you." "Oh, really?" "I'm crazy?" "Well, you know what?" "Crazy man go bye-bye." "Bye-bye!" "Bye-bye!" "Yeah!" "What do you want from Chinese?" "[Imitating Rock Guitar]" "Mmm!" "Yeah!" "Oh, hey, Spence, you're home." "Just now." "Um... do you have a second?" "Oh, actually, one of my clients is getting neutered, and I should be there." "Well, just-- just for a second." "Just sit." "For a second." "OK..." "OK." "Um... remember, for some reason," "TiVo thought I was gay?" "I mean, how crazy was that?" "Phew... it was crazy." "[Chuckles] Yeah, well..." "I have a feeling" "TiVo won't be making any more dumb mistakes." "See, I let it know what a big sports fan I am." "Oh..." "Yeah!" "Had it record my football, my hoops, that Nascar race I've been wantin' to see." "So... let's see what shows TiVo recorded now that it knows I'm a sports junkie." "Men's Ice Dancing." "OK..." "What--what the" "Breaking the Surface:" "The Greg Louganis Story." "Oh..." "This is wrong!" "No, you said TiVo was intuitive..." "No, no!" "I--I-- I'm not gay, OK?" "I love women." "I've stalked them!" "I'll--I'll have sex with you right now if you want!" "Um..." "I'm good." "Listen... uh, I should go." "Hey, um, good luck with that whole... not gay thing." "I--I-- [Stuttering]" "TiVo's wrong!" "This is wrong!" "Ohh, how dare you label me?" "!" ""Oh, I record shows digitally!"" "You're gay!" "[Bowling Pins Clatter]" "Yes!" "Whoo!" "So, how's it goin'?" "Not so good." "What's the matter?" "I'm being sexually harassed." "Really?" "Me, too!" "Who's harassing you?" "A 4-year-old." "You?" "TiVo." "P.A.:" "Attention, tournament bowlers, please make sure your lineup cards are filled out." "Denise will be coming around in a few minutes to collect them." "Will you forget about that girl and focus here?" "Yeah, yeah." "[Pins Clatter]" "Yeah!" "Got your lineup card?" "Oh, yeah, right here." "Mmm." "Good luck!" "Thanks." "What the hell was that?" "Nothing." "She was getting our lineup card." "Did you see her trying to avoid me?" "I'm surprised she didn't burrow under the alley like a ferret." "OK, listen to me." "Last year in this tournament, we lost to Pottery Barn." "We got our asses kicked by people who sell decorative candles." "Now, I need you to play your game and stop worrying about the damn shoe girl." "You're right." "She's just a shoe girl." "I mean, who the hell does she think she is, copping an attitude with me?" "!" "I mean, if I was goin' after a girl," "I could get somebody much better than her, much better!" "Wait a second, I did." "And she's here right now." "You know what, I'm gonna go show Denise what's what." "Hey!" "Hey." "How about a kiss from my lucky charm?" "Hmm?" "All right." "There you go." "Good luck." "Come on, now, you can do better than that." "Lay one on me." "Just give me a nice little kiss here, huh?" "I don't feel like it, OK?" "I've been clawed at by that kid all day." "All right, well, just give me a little sugar." "I'm really not in the mood." "Can you just let-- Get off of me!" "What is wro" " Give me one little kiss!" "Will you please stop?" "Stop it!" "I'm telling you, this thing with Jordan is driving me crazy!" "Carrie, I know you feel violated, but hang in there." "In 2 days, he'll be back in preschool." "I can't take another 2 days of this, all right?" "Every time I blink I see a pair of grubby little hands and a Garanimals shirt." "[Sighs]" "You know what?" "I'm just gonna tell Kaplan that I can't do it anymore." "[Elevator Dings]" "Hi, Mr. Kaplan." "Oh, good morning, Carrie." "Uh... can I talk to you for a second about my watching Jordan?" "Well, actually, I'm glad you brought that up." "Seems the young fellow wants to make a change." "What kind of change?" "Well... to be honest with you, he's kind of taken a shine to Amanda." "OK." "Thanks for all your help, Carrie." "Sure!" "Hey, Jordan." "I heard about your decision." "I guess I understand." "I just hope you tell your father that I treated you well." "Although I clearly couldn't be all that you wanted me to be." "Just so you know, those are fake." "[Sighs]" "Sorry, man." "I, uh" "I really let the team down." "Yeah." "OK, you didn't have to agree with me." "Well, what the hell am I supposed to say?" "You bowled a 94." "It's all her fault." "Hey, you know what?" "I should end this right now!" "Just tell her once and for all that I'm not into her," "I was just being nice." "What do you think?" "Do you understand we got beat by Lamps Plus?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hold up a sec!" "Hey!" "Wait up!" "Aah!" "Oh, God!" "[Tires Screech]" "Aah!" "It was a mercy flirt!" "[TiVo Remote Clicking]" "TV Announcer:" "Tonight on Queer as Folk..."