"[Klinger] Is this stufffor sale, or are ya just takin'your knickknacks for a walk?" "Eveything for sale." "give up farm." " Must move south to city." " Hey, look, it's a Fullerjunk man." "Doyou have anything in a dishonorable discharge, size 40 regular?" " [ Klinger] Hey, is this goat for sale?" " Yes." "Need moneyfor city." "Besides, it's so hard to find an apartment that'll take kids." " How much?" " goats veyvaluable." "Twenty-five dollars." "Could either ofyou guys loan me $25?" " What, areyou crazy?" " Hey... this is an investment in daly futures." "You realize what people around here would pay for fresh milk?" "Come on." "Tomorrow's payday." "Twenty-five bucks for 24 hours." "All right, I'll letyou have 1 5, but I get the first glass." "I'll go 1 0 for seconds." "Hereyou go." "Come to papa." "[ Chuckles ] I'm gonna milkyou for all you'reworth." "Come on, baby." "Come on." "This is gonna be a fantastic business arrangement." "good mornin', boys." "How're you doin', Pierce?" "J ust fine, Colonel." " I get the feeling... you haven't read the bulletin board the last few days." "I'm waiting for the movie to come out." "Now, how doyou know?" "'Causeyou haven't come screaming to me." " Whywould I come screaming toyou?" " Because there's a notice... that says it's your turn to be paymaster." " I don't wanna be paymaster!" " That's more like it." "Aw, come on." "I've already done that once this war." " I like a man with experience." " Hawk, old buddy, can I have a raise?" "Vey funny." "I got better things to do... than go to "I" Corps at the crack of dawn... and then spend the rest ofthe day doling out money to a pack of drooling soldiers." "And I got better things to do than stand here and argue with you." "Seeyou tomorrow, doughboy." "That does it." "When this war is over, I'm going home." "Uh, Colonel" "Well, what have we here?" "Woolworth on wheels." "Actually, some ofthis stuff's not so bad." "I think Peg might like this vase." " How much is this?" " Five dollars." " Here, hold this, will ya?" " Yes" "Five dollars, huh?" "Oh, I've only got three." "Well, ifthat's all you've got" "I'll giveyou 1 0 for it." "Ten beats three anytime." "You got it." "Well, thanks a lot, Charles." "Oh, dear." "I, uh" " I seem to be temporarily out of cash." "I'll gladly payyou the 1 0 tomorrow." "Must leave today." "Three dollars in hand beats your $1 0." "Uh, would it be worth staying a day for, say, $50?" " Fifty?" " Okay." "Fifty dollar buys you one day." "Veywell." "See you on the morrow." "And thankyou." "Charles, what the hell is this?" "You saw that I wanted that vase." "Nothing personal, Hunnicutt." "I just think it's, uh, cute." "Fresh milk here." "Spend your fresh money on fresh milk." "Why take a powderwhen you can get the real thing?" "Next." "Name." "Captain Pierce." "Not my name." "Your name, Rizzo." "Ifyou know my name, what'd you ask me for?" "[ Sighs ] All right." "Rizzo." "Rizzo." "Come on, Pierce!" "Doyou work at being slow?" " Yeah, this is taking forever." " [ Clamoring ]" "All right!" "All right." "All right." "I'm doing the best I can." " "Rizzo, Sergeant Luther."" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah." " 1 62." "Here." " Mm-hmm." "[ Clears Throat ] Five." "Ten." "Fresh milk!" "Fresh milk!" "Spendyourfresh money on fresh milk." "Hold on." "[ Clears Throat ]" " Five." "Ten." " [Helicopters Arriving]" "[Man On P.A. ]Attention." "Attention, all personnel." "Wounded coming in." " Time to start earning that big money." " That's it!" "Eveybody who hasn't got your money, reassemble here after O. R." "Sign that." "Klinger, put that in the safe." " Five." "Ten." " Excuse me." "Okay." "Hi, there." "Is this table all right?" "Orwould you prefer..." " something a little closer to the piano bar?" " I hopeyou're a good doctor." "Hey, don't wory about a thing." "When I was in med school, I was always first in my class." "Of course, I lived right next door." "Klinger, I'll need another unit ofblood." " Right away, sir." " Klinger, did you put the money in the safe?" "I didn't wanna bother the colonel in triage." "He's the only one who knows the combination." "And no one's gonna find out." "It's Mildred's measurements." "But don't wory, sir." "I locked all that money in a safe place." "All the flights to Rio were booked, huh?" "Metz, please." "Thankyou, Margaret." "You're doing your usual fine job." "That's the third compliment you've given me today, Major." "As a matter offact, that's the third compliment you've ever given me." "Well, I must ty to remedy that in the future." " Well, ifit's moneyyou want, I haven't been paid yet." " [ Laughs ]" "Money is hardly a problem for me." "An elective course I once took in Oriental art... is about to pay for itself 50-fold." "Thankyou." "[ Laughs ]" "Now I have to pass out money... when all I really wanna do is pass out." "All you need, sir, is a quick pick-me-up." "How about a milk shake?" "Orjust a nice, fresh..." " moderately priced glass ofgrade A- - [Rustling]" " Oh, my god!" " [Hawkeye Laughing]" "Your milk machine is having a snack." "Ah, keep laughing." "I put the money in there." "What?" "Ifthat goat so much as slobbered on that money" " What money?" " You idiot!" "How could you let that goat just walk around free?" "I think the walking around was her idea." "What was she doing in here?" "IfI'd left her outside, eveybody'd just walk up and milk her." " What am I gonna tell the colonel?" "Just tell him the truth." "Wonderful. "Colonel Potter, a goat ate the payroll."" " I don't believe it!" " I giveyou ExhibitA." "Sir, please don't send her to the glue factoy!" " She didn't know what she was doing." " But you should've." "Any fool knows a goat eats eveything." " Almost any fool." " How many people haven't been paid besides me?" "Most ofthem." "I was just getting started when we got called to triage." " So what happens now?" " Well, I'm a little rusty on procedures... forwhen the payroll has been eaten by a goat." "Klinger, call "I" Corps and check into it." " Yes, sir." " So, meanwhile, what am I supposed to tell..." " all those people who are still expecting to be paid?" "Just tell 'em the truth." "[ Clamoring ]" "I knewyou'd understand." "I don't wanna hear about goats." "I wanna hear about when we're getting our money." "And it had better be before the end ofthe day!" "That's being looked into right now." "And I bet you..." ""I" Corps has that money here first thing tomorrow." "Tomorrow doesn't buy me beans." "[ Clamoring Resumes ]" "Okay." "Okay, okay, okay, look." "W-W-Wait a minute." "Why don't we all have a drink on me?" "[ Margaret ] Oh, where did you get the money to buy us all drinks?" " [ Murmuring ]" " Well... by a quirk offate, I was the first one paid." " What a coincidence!" " [ Clamoring Resumes ]" "Come on." "Folks, why don't we all talk about it over drinks?" "Igor, set 'em up." "Sory, Captain, but there's hardly anything left." "I was waiting for payday to collect the tabs so I could buy the new shipment." " [ groaning, Clamoring ]" " All right, I'll tell you what." "Let's all go over to my place and have something from the still." "Free booze for eveybodywho promises not to use me as a swizzle stick." "Psst!" "Psst!" "Psst!" "Hello, myfriend." "You're right on time." " Did you bring my little purchase?" " First, money." "Yes, of course." "Of course." "Naturally." " There you are." " What's this?" " You promised me 50 dollar." " This is better than money." "Naturally, I have identifications." "You should have no trouble at all cashing that atyour neighborhood liquor store." "I'm sory." "I want real cash." "I go find man with three bucks." "I must have that vase." "W" "Ju-Just give me a little more time." "[ Clears Throat ] Forty." "Forty-five." "Fifty." " [ Clears Throat ] Fifty" " Wait right here." " [ Chuckles ] Rizzo, it, uh" " Hmm?" "It would appear thatyou've been paid." "And it would appear thatyou wasn't." "Now let's see." "Now where- [ Muttering ]" "Forty-five." "Fifty." "Rizzo, I wonder ifyou would consider making me a" "A loan?" "Oh, gee, I never thought of it." " All I need is" " Is 50." "Hereyou go." "Of course, I will have to chargeyou simple interest." "Yes, of course, fine." "Now, what could that be?" "Uh, four percent?" " Five?" " Hmm, well- [ Chuckles ]" "A little more simple than that." "A hundred percent." " One hundred percent?" " Per day." "Uh, that way I don't have to do no 'rithmetic." "I seeyou have cash." "Maybeyou like to buyvase." "No!" "It's a deal." "It's a deal." "See, now eveybody's happy." "[ Laughs ]" "You... clumsy oaf!" "." "Will you watch whereyou're falling?" "Pierce, what're all these people doing in here?" "Some are drinking." "Some are passing out." "But none ofthem are killing me." "You... dolt!" "Will you watch whatyou're doing?" " Hey, no fans allowed on the field." " [ Chuckles ]" "You are sitting on myfootlocker, and it's time for the kickoff." " Beat it!" " Sure, Major." "Pierce, I demand thatyou driveyour drinking buddies..." " back to the gutterwhere they belong." " Sorry, Charles." " I'm too drunk to drive." " Okay, eveybody, listen up!" "I've got great news." "You're free to go." " Well, it's about time." " Thankyou." " Thankyou." "Eveybody, step right" " Wait a minute." " What'reyou doing?" "These are my guests-s-s." " Sory... butyour half ofthe still is empty, and my halfjust closed." "Come on, goldman." "Hit the road." "Hereyou go." "Night." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Come on." "Come on." "What's the matter?" "Don'tyou have a bunk of your own to sleep under?" "Do us all a favor." "Pick up some mints on the way home." "Alone at last." "Whew!" "This must be the tent that made Milwaukee famous." " Anything new on the payroll?" " Yep." " It's gonna be held up a while longer." " Aw, come on, Colonel." " I can't keep these people drunk forever." " Seems "I" Corps... wants to send an investigator to look into the details." "great." "Maybe we can all borrow 1 0 bucks from him." "No,you won't need to." "I made arrangements to get supplementalpay... to tide folks over until the new payroll is issued." "good." "Now I can send a certain Louisiana loan shark back to the bayou." "Pierce, you're now supplemental paymaster." "Tomorrowyou'll distribute the money in descending order of rank." " That means colonels first." " Wait, wait, wait." "One more thing." "Just suppose for some strange, incomprehensible reason... the investigator doesn't believe that a goat ate the payroll." "That's no problem." "It's all covered in the militay regs." " Yeah?" " You'll just have to pay Uncle Sam $22,000." "I don't believe it." "Believe me, you're the first." "Major, I know this is quite a chunk to swallow... but this man and I have been through a lot." "And I can vouch for his honesty and integrity." "I've got general Detweiler breathing down my neck... about a report that's really important." "I've workedon it for quite some time and have to turn it in... no later than the day after tomorrow." "And now I get sidetracked by some ridiculous goat stoy." "I plan to wrap this business up quickly... so I can meet my deadline and keep the general off my back." "Well, we all wanna get this settled PD.Q, Major." "Pierce, I'm holding in myhanda voucher... releasing $24,31 2 to you." "Is this your signature?" "Uh, yes." "But, uh" "You have issued $1,972 in pay..." "leaving a grand total of $22,340 unaccounted for." "Now, where's the money?" " I told you." "A goat ate it." " A goat." " A goat." " A goat." "Just when you think you've heard them all." "That's even better than "I left it in my other tank."" "It's not only entertaining, it's also true." " I did not steal the money." " I don't care ifyoustole it oryou lost it." "You signed for the money, and the money isn't here." "You owe the army $22,000." "Eitheryou come up with it, or the army will garnisheeyourwages... through this tour and even into civilian life... until evey red cent is paid back." "You gotta be kidding." "I don't have time to kid." "Now, ifyou'll excuse me, I've got a report to get back to." " Uh" " Oh" " Hold it, Major." "It seems to meyou're putting the noose before the gavel." "Let me askyou something." "What would've happened... ifthis money, say, had been lost in a fire?" "Well, we would know that it's out of circulation, and we'd replace it with new scrip." "And Pierce would be offthe hook?" " What's the point ofthis?" " The point is... if money can be burned, it can be swallowed." "And ifyou call yourselfan investigator, you ought to investigate that." "Yeah, right." "Thankyou, Colonel." "That's all I ask." "All right." "All right, I'll investigate." "Pierce, you're my first witness." "Doyou have any proof the goat ate the money?" "[ Hawkeye On P A. ] And so I beg ofyou, ifthere's anybody in camp... who actually saw the goat eat the money, please come forward now!" "How about anybody who heard munching?" "Okay, is there anybody out there who's seen a goat... wearing expensive clothes and planning a nice vacation?" " Cap'n Pierce!" " Hallelujah!" "I'm saved!" " Let's go tell the investigator right now." " Tell him what, sir?" " Thatyou saw the goat eat the money." " Well, uh, no, sir." "I ain't seen a goat since, uh- since me and Zola took little Billy Bubba to the U-Pet-Em in Bossier City." " Then what areyou doing here?" " Fighting for democracy." " No, in this room." " Oh." " Oh, you mean here here." " Yeah." "Oh, well- [ Laughs ]" "Uh, seein' as you're about 500 months behind in your monthly payments..." "I thought I might "hep" you consolidateyour debts into one vey friendly loan." "Uh, as a starter, I am willing to offeryou... $1 00 with simple interest." " What good's $1 00 gonna do me?" " Oh, well" "Uh, I thought a savvy man likeyourself... mightjustwave that $1 00 underthe nose ofthat investigator... and let him catch a good whiff ofit." "Rizzo, I don't need to bribe anybody." "I'm innocent!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "Just remember, prisons are full ofhonest men!" "Twenty, 40, 50." " Next." " Wait a minute." "Where's the rest of it?" "That's it." "This is just supplemental pay." "Eveybody gets $50 to tide them over." " Until when?" "Time is money." " Don't ask me." " I'm just the teller." "Next!" " The man said "next." Major." "Hello, Major." "I believe... you have something there that is ofinterest to me." "Rizzo, I oweyou $50, uh, don't I?" "Uh- Now we're even." "Uh, beg- beg your pardon, sir... but bein' on the dole has madeyou forgetful." "This is just the interest." "You still owe me the original 50." "Unless you got it today, I'll seeyou tomorrow for another $50 interest." "Now, ain't that interesting'?" "But I don't know when I'm gonna be paid." "This could run into "hunerds" of dollars." "Oh, you have my deepest sympathy, Major." "And you'll have it again tomorrow about this same time." "Uh, Father, I couldn't help noticing..." "you've got $50 there." " Oh, how observant ofyou." "Right." "Sinceyou are a compassionate man ofgod... one ofyour prime duties is to give comfort to the needy." "Please, Father, ifl don't pay... this Bayou bloodsucker his $50 today, he's gonna bleed me dy." "I'd love to helpyou out, Major, but what little money I have... and it's really not enough, is earmarked for the orphanage." "They'll never miss it." "They're used to being poor." "But it's a real hardship for me." "May god helpyou, Major, because I won't." "Excuse me, Father." "Bein' a sentimental soul..." "I was touched by the orphans' predicament, and I'd like to "hep."" "Rizzo, why, that's vey generous ofyou." "I could letya have a "hunerd" dollars..." " at my special, god-fearin' rate of75%." " [ Sighs ]" "Uh, Igor, you have a belt... for a fellow who's down on his luck?" "Sory, Major, the only thing I got left is an old case of grape Nehi." "Nobody drinks it since Radar shipped out." "Veywell." "Put it in a brandy snifter, will you?" "Sure thing, pal." " Where did you get this?" " From some peddlerfortwo bits." "Ifyou like it, I'm sureyou could get another one." "He's got a whole cart full." " A-A cart full?" " Yeah." "It's great for holdin' tips." "Tip." "Hey, wait, you owe me for the grape Nehi!" "Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion." "Maybe Van Zandt will interview a few people, find out what a terrific guy I am... realize how ridiculous the whole thing is, and let me offthe hook." " You're probably right." " Yeah." "And maybe I'll flap my arms and fly to the moon." "Ah, here's the bank dick now." " I can tell he's got good news by the sneer on his face." " All right, Colonel..." "I talked to eveybody in camp." "The only one who knows anything about the goat eating' the money is your company clerk here." "And all he can say is that Pierce handed him a satchel." "Sory, Captain, the truth just slipped out." "I'll be informing "I" Corps that in myjudgment..." "Benjamin Franklin Pierce owes the United States Army... in excess of $22,000... to be garnisheed from his militay and subsequent civilian wages." "Boy, talk about a g.I. bill." "Now, ifyou'll excuse me, I've gotta finish the report forthe general tonight." "Well, that's Van Zandt's idea of justice." "A man is innocent until railroaded." "Men, these are desperate times... and desperate times call for desperate measures." "Oh, great idea." "We'll bombard them with clichés." "I got an even better one. "You can catch a lot offlies with a little bit ofhoney."" "Hmm." " [Knocking]" " Come in." "Sory to interruptyou, sir, butyou're wanted on the phone." " I'm busy." "Who is it?" " It's general Detweiler's aide." "Something about that reportyou're working on." "Oh, that man won't even let me breathe." "I'd get the damn thing finished ifhe'd only let me alone." "All right." "All right." "Let's go." "You come right in here, Sergeant." "You sit in that chair right overthere and you makeyourself comfortable." " Well, thankyou, sir." " Of course, of course." "Thereyou are." "Now, a-areyou comfy?" " Uh, yes, sir, I think so." " Uh, would you like some cognac?" "No, thanks." "I ain't hungy." "Right." "Now- [ Clears Throat ] Luther..." "I've broughtyou here to discuss an offer... thatyou would be a fool, as it were, not to accept." " Oh, yeah?" " I've given it a lot ofthought... and have come to the conclusion that in exchange for canceling my debt..." "I am prepared to part... with this." " What do I want with a pitcher?" " Well, Sergeant... and treasured vase from the Celadon Dynasty." "Oh!" "I don't care ifit's from the new Sears catalog, Major." "Just how stupid doyou think I am?" "An adjective fails me." "Butyou see, Rizzo" "No, no, no." "All I see is... is thatyou are tying to get out of paying' me the moneyyou owe me... which is $50." "No, no." "Make that a "hunerd" dollars." " Wait." "No, no." "Wait" " Mm-mm-mm-mmm!" "I don't want no hard-luck stories." "I don't want no dime-store spittoons." "All I want is my money." "I'll seeyou tomorrow." "Oh, gee, sir... nowyou ain't got a pot to spit in." "[Klinger]Sorryabout that, sir." "I don't knowhow I lost the call... but these phones are always crazy over here." " You let me know the minute they call back." " Yes, sir, I will." "You can count on it, ifthey somehow manage to get through." "[Papers Rustling]" "My report!" "Stop that at once!" " Heel, heel." " She ate my report!" " What's all the racket?" "Is something wrong?" " Terrible tragedy, sir." " She ate his report." " [ Hawkeye ] Animal!" "general Detweilerwill have my head for this." "He'll never believe his report was eaten by a goat." " Was it?" " Oh, that's pretty hard to believe." "I don't thinkyou're gonna get awaywith that stoy." "Oh, I get it." "You guys set me up." "Well, it's not gonna work, Pierce." "I'm gonna see thatyou get eveything you've got coming toyou and more." "great idea." "You and I can play gin in the stockade." "It appears to meyou two can go down together or bail each other out." " What's that supposed to mean?" " Ifthe goat had a previous record as a paper-eater... which was proved by an authorized investigator, such as yourself... and corroborated by a C.O., such as myself... then the two ofyou'd be off the hook." "So what doya say, Van Zandt?" "Do we sink orswim?" "One hand whitewashes the other." "It's up to you." "Okay." "Okay, you got me." "I'll clear Pierce." "But you better pray that our paths never cross again." "I'm gonna take this goat and show it to general Detweiler." "Uh, just make sure you feed her." "Yeah, that shouldn't be too tough." "She eats just about anything." "Especially paper with a little molasses on it." "[ Laughs ]" "It was vey charitable of MajorVan Zandt to expedite our new payroll." " Well, that's the kind of guy he is." " I wantyou to know, Hawkeye..." "I never thought you stole the money." "Of course, some people consider me to be rather naive." "Oh, thankyou, Father." "You darn me with faint praise." "1 20. 1 40." "1 50." "There." "Finished." "Oh, you forget one thing, Major." "That's just the interest." "You still owe me the original 50." "Veywell." "20. 40. 50." "Wonderful." "Now I'm out of cash again." "How doyou expect me to make it through to the end ofthe month?" "Oh, with the "hep" ofa friend." "Hi, friend."