"All right, all right, all right, all right." "Who wants to play crotch hockey?" "I'm goal." "And no jokes about how everyone scores on me." "Now, if you can make the puck..." "Or in this case, a dinner roll..." "In between her legs, you get a free shot." "Otherwise, you have to buy a shot." "Now, trust me." "It's not that big of a deal." "Everything gets in there." "Says the only guy who hasn't." "All right." "Let me see this." "Let me show you how this is done, ok?" "Now, listen." "If I don't make it, upside down shots for everyone, $10 a piece." "[All cheer] But... but... but..." "If I do make it, then Chelsea over there literally has to kiss my ass." "All:" "Ohh!" "[Cheering]" "Pucker up!" "All:" "Pucker up!" "Pucker up!" "Oh, what the hell." "Dollar shots for everyone." "[Cheering]" "Ooh, ooh." "Dollar shot, grumpy?" "I'm the owner, Jerry." "Jerry's ultimate sports bar?" "I'm just trying to get a handle on how stupid you are." "Oh, you're a real person." "I thought you were made up, like burger king." "You look like they were trying to build a tall, pretty girl and ran out of money." "Ok." "Who wants to see me kiss Rick's ass?" "[Cheering]" "Ahh." "It's like grace Kelly is alive." "Jerry, I can explain." "Actually, I can't." "I got nothing." "Rick, Chelsea, my office." "Now." "You guys having a good time out there?" "Jerry, look." "We were just trying to drum up business with dollar shots, you know?" "Want to know if I'm having a good time?" "I was just about to ask." "Well, my wife's having a baby." "Ohh!" "Oh." "Congratulations." "With her Romanian pilates instructor." "I'm so sorry." "But that is going to be one flexible kid." "Really?" "Chelsea, that's what you want to say to me?" "I'm sorry, Jerry." "I'm a little drunk." "Look, my home life is out of control, all right?" "I can't have my bar be out of control." "When I'm not here, I need someone I can trust." "I've been leaving you in charge." "Oh, I can't be in charge 'cause I'm a woman?" "A drunk woman." "I'm sorry." "Go on." "I mean, Rick, really?" "Ass hockey?" "It's crotch hockey." "Ass hockey's a fall sport." "Ok." "Look, the mets game was over, there was, like, 3 tables that were leaving, so I started playing that game to actually keep the people here, and it worked." "Rick brings in so much business, you don't even know." "And I have no authority." "Jerry, I've been asking you to make me manager for, like, two years, all right?" "If you want me in charge, make me manager." "[Sighs] Chelsea, will you excuse us?" "[Sighs] Sure." "If I was a man, I could stay, right?" "No, if you were a man, you would have been fired two years ago." "All right." "I'm going to check on my tables." "[Laughs] If I can find them." "Look, Rick." "You're a nice guy." "Thanks." "No." "No." "By that, I mean you're soft, ok?" "You're going to be the manager of this bar, you can't be worried about what people think or don't think about you, all right?" "You got to do your job." "Me?" "I'm a quiet man." "I like to walk around with a smile on my face, all right?" "But there's not a vendor in this city that doesn't believe that I'd kill him with my bare hands if he shorted me on an order." "Look, Jerry, I can do this." "Oh, you think so?" "What about your friend mustang Chelsea?" "You think you can keep her under control?" "This has nothing to do with friendship." "I want to manage this bar." "Ok." "You know what?" "You got the job." "The crotch hockey players just bought two bottles of stupidly expensive Tequila." "Who's the drunk girl now?" "[Chuckles]" "Still you, Chelsea." "Yeah." "Ooh." "Who wants to do a cleanse with me?" "Oh, I'll shower with you." "I know how to find all the creases." "No." "My yoga instructor's cousin, who's a receptionist for an online therapist, told me that the reason I haven't met my soul mate is 'cause he can't find me 'cause I'm in a cloud of negativity." "So, I need to do a cleanse to get rid of my negativity." "Well, I would, but my karate teacher's sister, who lives in reality, says you're insane." "So, what kind of cleanse are you doing?" "Well, my aromatherapist told me about one that Gwyneth Paltrow does." "Oh, I love Gwyneth." "She is such an inspiration." "I mean, how could somebody that flat bag and tag a rock star?" "I'll do the cleanse with you." "Dee Dee, you're not negative." "Are you kidding me?" "This morning, in the park, a homeless woman came up behind me and hit me between the shoulder blades with a clog." "I got really snippy with her." "Ok, Dee Dee, this is going to be fun." "We'll be cleanse friends." "Ooh!" "Flush buddies!" "Dee Dee, do not lose any weight." "You're already the only one in this bar who weighs less than I do." "All right." "So when do we start?" "Tomorrow." "It's for 7 days." "And all we can have is distilled water, garlic cloves, oh, and really, really, really small rocks." "Mm." "Rocks." "All right." "Well, I'm going to go home and say good-bye to my tooth enamel." "Oh, check it out, everybody." "It's the new manager." "[Murmuring] [Applause]" "Thank you, guys." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Ok." "Everybody, gather around." "Let's just start with a quick staff meeting before we get started today." "Ooh, a staff meeting." "Let me get my hat and cane." "All right, all right." "Look, we just have to set down just a few simple ground rules so we can get off on the right foot, all right?" "So starting now, no one comes in late." "Sorry I'm late." "Ok." "Starting now." "I had sex 3 times last night in a Ford focus, and my back is killing me." "Hatchback?" "No." "Missionary." "All right." "No, no, no." "This is good." "While we're on that subject, guys, no one has sex in the bathroom anymore." "He's right." "Nobody does have sex in the bathroom anymore." "Yeah." "Don't worry, Rick." "We're on it." "No, no, no." "Guys, come on." "I'm serious, ok?" "I don't want anyone smoking pot in there, either." "Well, where are we supposed to smoke pot?" "I'm not going in the alley." "I am a lady." "Todd. [Scoffs]" "What's with the steaks, man?" "They expire today." "I'm taking them home." "In fact, I got to go now." "Right now?" "If I don't get these in my stomach in the next 20 minutes," "I'm playing E. Coli roulette." "You can't leave work early to cook stolen food, ok?" " Dude." " Mmm." "Dude." "Dude!" "[Sighs]" "All right." "Just this once, though." "Dude!" "But starting now, seriously, nobody takes home food, nobody comes in late, and nobody has sex or smokes pot in the bathroom." "[All groan] All right." "But if everyone cooperates, you can have half price drinks on sunday nights after your shift." "[All cheer]" "Free drinks on sunday nights!" "No, no." "I did not say that." "All right." "The first one's free." "But seriously, after that, half price drinks." "Whoo!" "[Sighs]" "Whoa." "You are, like, a dream manager, Rick." "Everyone loves you." "Yeah, that's 'cause I'm not standing my ground." "Ah, don't worry about it." "You're a sweetheart." "Hey, if you need me or Olivia, we'll be in the alley smoking a bowl." "Oh, wow." "That grilled cheese looks so good." "But I've got my garlic pebble water, so..." "Dee Dee, you cannot fast." "You already look like Tim Burton drew you." "[Growling]" "See?" "Your stomach is growling." "That's just the bad feelings leaving me." "[Growling]" "Oh!" "Making room for some good times." "[Door shuts]" "What's up with Rick?" "He's being such a hardass." "He got on my case for eating off the customers' plates even when they weren't looking." "Well, they say it takes 3 days to get over your addiction to food." "Dee, it's not an addiction." "It's what's keeping you alive." "Do you even hear yourself?" "You know what else Rick did?" "If you're late half an hour, your pay gets docked half an hour." "So wait a minute." "You only get paid for the actual hours you work?" "Exactly!" "And the worst part is, he has no sense of humor at all anymore." "He made Todd change his ringtone just because it sounded like a fart." "He's just being a cranky pants." "He's stressed out about his new job, and I know for a fact that he isn't getting any." "How do you know?" "Because I've known him for, like, 3 years." "This is the way he acts." "And then, he finally gets laid, and he's like," ""I finally got laid." "I'm sorry I've been such a crabby pants."" "Well, when you get to work, you can straighten him out." "Olivia, we're friends, you know?" "This manager thing's a big deal for him." "You should support him." "You mean, like, not eat off the customers' plates?" "[Laughs] Yeah." "And keep our fart phones on vibrate." "Stop playing with it and put it in your mouth!" "That's not the first time I heard that." "Hey, Olivia." "One of your customers had to come to the bar to get a drink." "Oh." "Connor?" "He's kind of chubby." "He could use the exercise." "Ok." "Well, listen." "If you can't take care of your tables, then you're going to lose them, all right?" "Donna, can you take table 11?" "Boy, you're kind of tense." "If it wasn't against the rules," "I'd give you a handle in the bathroom." " Nikki." " Hey, Dee Dee." "Oh." "I need your help." "I'm about to say the heck with Gwyneth and eat the bejesus out of a cheeseburger." "No." "This is just the hard part." "You think Gwyneth likes every Coldplay song?" ""Yellow"?" "No, but she still stands there in the front row, shaking her incredibly well toned ass." "You just need to go home and get your mind off it." "Ok." "I'm going to go home and play my clarinet." "Or eat it." "Hey, Nikki, do you work for Dee Dee, or do you work for me?" "You know, I don't mind pushy men when they're rich, but this isn't working for me." "Well, how about being out of work?" "Is that going to work for you?" "Hey, Rick?" "Come here." "Yeah?" "You need to lighten up." "People aren't happy." "Really?" "They're not happy?" "Well, that's too bad." "I'm telling you as your friend, there's going to be a mutiny in this place." "Ok." "Well, I appreciate it, Chelsea." "I'll take that under advisement, ok?" "Wow." "You should write a book called "how to succeed in business by being a dick."" "Uh, Todd, let me ask you something." "How was the meat you took the other day?" "Well, I just put a drop of bleach in the marinade." "It's all good." "Uh-huh." "How was the guacamole and liver sausage that you took?" "Uh, I didn't take any." "Well, who did, man?" "Well, let me see." "Liver sausage and guacamole." "Maybe a jewish chihuahua." "I'm serious, Todd." "Look, Rick, if he says he didn't take it, he didn't take it." "All right." "Well, somebody did take it." "So, anyone want to step up and admit it?" "No?" "All right." "Then I'll just have to cancel half price sunday." "And everybody can thank Chelsea for that." "What?" "You can't do that." "Chelse, don't tell me what I can't do." "Oh, my God." "You are sporting, like, a giant power boner right now." "No." "You just can't handle the fact that I have authority over you." "No, I can't handle the fact that you're being so bossy." "Right." "Nobody can tell you anything." "That's why you have such healthy relationships." "Ok." "Your healthiest relationship in the last 5 years has been with a tub of petroleum jelly." "You know what?" "I'm done talking." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Seriously." "I'm the boss." "This is a mop." "Find something to do with it." "Found something." "Come on, Chelsea." "Open up." "Come on." "This isn't funny." "No." "I'm not letting you out until you learn to have fun again." "Half price sundays is back on." "[Cheering]" "Who wants to get high and have sex in the bathroom?" "Uh, kind of busy stealing meat from the company." "Where's Rick?" "Oh, man." "How do you always manage to show up just at the right time?" "We have security cameras." "I thought we broke those." "[Banging] Hey, let me out of here." "Come on." "Jerry's going to stop by tonight, Chelsea." "How would this look?" "Not good." "Hi, Jerry." " Jerry, it's just a little joke." " And a very funny one." "Really?" "You're not mad?" "No." "No, Chelsea." "Contrary to popular opinion, I am not an ogre." "Oh, and give Rick a message for me, will you?" "He's fired." "Oh, and I just ran into his car." "But there's really no way to prove it." "Rick:" "Did he say he hit my car?" " Rick?" "Can I talk to you?" " Go away." "Come on." "I called you, I texted you." "Come on." "We need to talk." "Chelsea, I have a date in here." "Right, Rick." "You went to some bar, and you met a fairy princess and were like, "hey, I just got fired." ""Want to come back to my studio apartment and have some pity sex?"" "Sorry, girl." "You guys were finished, right?" "Just go, Chelsea." "Ok." "We need to figure out a way to get Jerry to give Rick his job back." "I don't know." "Rick accused me of stealing liver sausage." "Maybe you don't steal that, but you steal all the time." "Mustard and toilet paper." "Show me a human being on earth who buys that stuff." "All right, I guess I understand why Rick thought I stole the sausage." "And I guess it's not unreasonable that he doesn't want me to eat off the customers' plates." "Especially since I never wash my hands." "Yeah, and I can certainly get high before I come to work." "Yeah." "And I'm always late." "But then again, all this magic doesn't come together quickly." "I'm going to march into Jerry's office and say if he doesn't hire Rick back," "I'm quitting." "What if he doesn't care?" "Oh, he'll care." "Chelsea's a great cocktail waitress." "And if I go, he'll be down 3 people." "Make that 4." "What about you, Nikki?" "Oh, I don't really want to get in the middle of this." "Rick got you this job." "Ok." "Fine." "But for the record, being pretty got me this job." "Jerry, we need to talk to you." "You're all fired." "What?" "Wait." "Don't you even want to hear what we have to say?" "How many times do I have to tell you people?" "There are security cameras." "Todd, here's a helpful hint." "If you didn't steal so much mustard, you wouldn't need so much toilet paper." "[Knock on door]" "Who is it?" "Rick:" "It's ed McMahon and the publisher's clearing house." "He's dead." "How could you even fall for that?" "Chelse, how did you manage to get everybody fired?" "You heard?" "Yeah." "My new roommate Todd told me, so thank you for that." "He moved in already?" "We got fired, like, two hours ago." "Yeah, I know." "He said he was living paycheck to paycheck." "So apparently, the next one was pretty crucial." "Hmm." "So you're not mad at me anymore?" "I don't know." "I guess." "I might have gone a little overboard myself." "I just really wanted to be a good manager." "Yeah." "Maybe I do have a little problem with authority." "Then why do you have sex with so many police officers?" "They provide their own handcuffs." "Mmm." "Cheers." "You know, I'm no so much worried about us." "You know, we'll find jobs." "We're good." "Yeah." "But what about Todd?" "I mean, the guy has got such an attitude, and he steals." "What about Olivia and Nikki?" " Right?" " They are so mean and slutty." "[Chuckles]" "See, that..." "That right there is why I want to open my own bar, to give people who really don't deserve it a chance." "Aw." "That's beautiful, Rick." "Yeah, thanks." "Hey, you know, if we just got a job, right, and saved up for, I don't know, a few years, we could open our own bar." "Or..." "Stay with me." "All right." "We could just open a bar right here." "What, like, in your apartment?" "Yeah, think about it." "There's, like, floating restaurants that move around." "And we won't do it forever." "Just long enough until we can save up enough money to open up a real place." "Right." "Yeah." "No." "I don't know." "That sounds crazy." "What do you mean?" "Everything awesome starts with crazy." "All right, uh, going to the moon." "Yeah." "Democracy." "Pizza bagels?" "Yeah." "You know what?" "Let's do it." "All right." "I mean, you want to?" "Let's just open some crazy-ass floating apartment bar." "Why not?" "But first..." "Pizza bagels." "Yes." "Hi, folks." "Come on in." "Welcome to the open house bar." "Go ahead and make yourself feel at home, like you would in your own living room, I guess." "And oh, if you want to change into a pair of sweat pants, feel free." "They're in the box right there on the corner." "Oh, and due to a large crowd tonight, we ask that nobody take a bath." " Yes." " Thank you for understanding." "Hey, cleanse buddy." "Nikki, I'm so hungry." "Did you finish all your water, garlic, and rocks?" "Gosh." "You make it sound so good, I almost forgot about the pile of pebbles in my underpants." "[Sighs]" "[Cheering]" "So, this is where all my customers are, huh?" "Yeah." "That's right, Jerry." "You know, we're doing great, and we're going to continue to do great until we save up enough money to get our own place." "Yeah." "Got a liquor license?" "No." "Jerry, you know what?" "You can shut us down, but you can't stop us." "I mean, 'cause a bar's not a place." "It's the people." "We didn't all work at your place just for the money." "Yeah, the customers and the employees, we care about each other." "You know, we're friends." "We're more than friends." "We're a family." "All right." "Calm down, Todd." "No, you're right." "Family is everything." "And well, I screwed mine up." "Now I got nothing." "Except, you know, a lot of money and some influence in the state legislature, and..." "Well, I own a judge I don't know what to do with." "Well, you have a ton of money, and we have a ton of friends." "If you want to partner up, I'll do 50-50." "Or 100-zero, and you just get your jobs back." "That's good, too." "Ok." "Well, what the hell." "I'll even hire back the sexy little one." "Thank you, Jerry." "You're the best." "I don't want to get all sappy on you, but you know, the bar hasn't been the same place without you." "[Laughs] Jerry." "That's 'cause the bar is in here." "Ok, Rick." "If you're going to be my manager, you're going to have to learn how to talk like a man." "Oh!" "Hey." "To working." "With friends." "[Flatulence]" "Hey, it's my mom." "Got to take this." "So Todd wasn't the one stealing food." "No." "Dee Dee, look." "Hey, Nikki, get in here." "So she hasn't been fasting?" "Man, she can really gobble a sausage." "I know." "It really makes me miss dating her." "What's up?" "We know about the sausage." "You've been eating this whole time while I starved alone?" "Maybe hallucinated a little?" "No, I wasn't." "What do you mean?" "You're on the video." "You're wrong." "[Scoffs] How can you deny it?" "It's in the video." "Oh, I'm just taking an assertiveness training course." "Oh." "I wanted to take an assertiveness training course, but I got scared and hung up the phone." " What you all do in my office?" " We're not in here."