"I'm just afraid that macaroni art could be offensive to our "I-talian" families." "I mean, imagine how you'd feel, you know, if I'd made some sort of bagel statue, you know?" "[Knock on door]" "Oh." "Gotta go." "Principal Thomas?" "[Hangs up receiver]" "Mr. and Mrs. Huang, come in." "Come in." "We came as soon as we could." "Whatever Evan and Emery are in trouble for," "Eddie put them up to it." "Oh, don't worry." "Your boys aren't in trouble." "Oh. [Laughs]" " What a relief!" " Good!" "You are." " What?" "!" " Why?" "What did we do?" "It's what you haven't do." "We've been looking through our records, and we noticed that you haven't volunteered for any extracurricular activities." "Why... why would we do that?" "Mrs. Huang, our school budget has experienced major cutbacks." "We rely on parents to supervise our after-school programs." "Well, I'm sorry." "We're busy with our own after-school programs." "They're called jobs." "[Laughs nervously]" "Uh, what my wife means is she has her real estate career, and I have my steakhouse." "Look, we can't volunteer." "Is there anything else we can do?" "Well, you can donate money." " How do we volunteer?" " How do we volunteer?" "S01E12 Dribbling Tiger, Bounce Pass Dragon" "♪ fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪" "♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪" "♪ Fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ Homey don't know where I come from ♪" "♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪" "♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪" "Boys, we've got great news." "Where'd you get quesadillas?" "You told me I couldn't use the oven, but you never said anything about the iron." "[Water spritzes, steam hisses]" "[Sighs] Both of your schools are making your father and me mandatory volunteer." "I have to the boss of some costume show?" "You're directing the school play." "Jessica:" "Oh." "Oh, yay!" "Me and Evan are in the play!" "You are?" "Why?" "You're not gonna become actors." "You think they're gonna put two Chinese boys on TV?" "Maybe if there's a nerdy friend or a magical thing where someone wanders into a Chinatown, but no." "The play is fun." "Let me tell you a story about fun." "Once, there was a little girl, and all she wanted was a sparkle time beauty horse." "The knockoff version of my little pony." "When you hugged them, it burned, but you played through that pain." "And one in every five had a human face." "Did the little girl ever get one?" "No, she got something even better... a strong work ethic." "She focused on her studies and became the first one in her family to go to college." "Think about that." "What girl was she talking about?" "Connie Chung." "Has to be Connie Chung." "Who else is there?" "Dad, are you volunteering for the school play, too?" "Nope, I got a good one." "I'm coaching Eddie's basketball team." "Oh, dope!" "We've never had a coach." "[Chuckles]" "Trent's been wearing a tie and putting his hands on his waist a lot, but nobody's buying it." "[Sneakers squeaking]" "You bums!" "I mentioned I played semi-pro basketball back in Taiwan, and they assigned it to me." "What?" "!" "You played hoops?" "You never told me that!" "No, it was years ago." "I didn't wanna brag." "But yeah. [Chuckles]" "I played point guard in the Mystic Tiger league." "That is awesome!" "Are you gonna teach us how to play taiwanese-style basketball?" "Only way I know how." "Whoa." "This..." "Is gonna be... amazing." "[Both grunting]" "Uhh!" "Aah!" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Whoa." "Aah!" "[Growls]" "[Grunts]" "[Blows air]" "[Cheering] [Tiger growls]" "[Laser fires, explosion]" "Whoa." "That certainly explains how he caught the apple." "Well, I am so glad you are helping us out, Jessica." "Yes, became mandatory." "Yes." "[Chuckles]" "Oop!" "Looks like rehearsal has started." "[Piano playing]" "[Children shouting playfully]" "[Whispers] Oh." "What am I seeing?" "It's called "the sunflower gang goes to Yumland."" "The kids love it." "Every character has the same number of lines, and all the world's cultures are equally represented." "We've been performing it for six years running..." " Mm." " without offending anyone, and that includes our "I-talian" families." "Oh." "I'm gonna leave you here with the other directors. [Sighs]" "Other directors?" "Looking good, Maurice." "Damn you, Tetris." "You have four other parents here." "Why do you need me?" "Diversity." "Plus, when you're putting on a show, you can never have too many voices chiming in. [Sighs]" "The Mystic Tiger league?" "Yeah, man." "Taiwanese-style ball." "It's gonna be sick." "If you think our team's good now, wait till my dad shows up." "[Blows whistle]" "Wait's over!" "Hi, boys." "I'm coach Huang, your new... coach." "Dad, teach us how to fly, kick, and dunk at the same time." "We'll get to that." "But for now, everybody grab a partner." "And line up across from each other." "Now this first drill is called the B.P. dragon." "Awesome." "Nice!" "I want you to bounce the ball to your partner..." "Good." "And they bounce the ball back." "And you keep doing that 200 times." " What is that?" " It's the bounce pass dragon, faithful guardian of the passing lane." "Dad, can I talk to you?" "Uh, sure." "Uh, go ahead and try some passes, boys." "Remember, thumbs down on the release, like you're helping a stubborn goat cross a bridge." "I thought you were gonna teach us taiwanese-style ball." "That's what I'm doing." "That was taiwanese-style basketball?" "Absolutely." "When you play that far below the rim, it's all about fundamentals and teamwork." "I thought you played in the Mystic Tiger league." "I did." "We were sponsored by Mystic Tiger cigarettes." "They advertised themselves as the breakfast cigarette." "[Chicken clucking]" "Well, we're not trying to learn bounce passes." "We wanna look cool." "Eddie, basketball isn't about looking cool." "It's about being a good teammate." "That'll help you in life as well." "I couldn't run Cattleman's Ranch without my team." "Trust me, one day you'll thank me for this." "[Blows whistle]" "I told you, Doug, I'm the goggle guy." "You can be the wristband guy." "I don't wanna be the wristband guy!" "My wrists get hot!" "Well, we can't have two goggle guys on the team." "How will people tell us apart?" " Take 'em off!" " No!" "No!" "Hey, boys, stop!" "You're on the same team!" "Dad, let me handle this." "[Walter and Doug grunting]" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Boys:" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Boy:" "All feelings are valid!" "The early birds catches the hug!" "What a waste of time." "Can you imagine if we'd told our parents we wanna do something like this?" "My mother was supportive of my creative pursuits." "I actually did the temp track for the voice of the baby in "look who's talking."" "[Lowered voice] Kirstie Alley is crazy." "I mean, my husband and I moved to this country to give our kids a better life, not this nonsense." "Do you think Tetris knows when you need an "I"" "and purposely doesn't give it to you?" "♪ Dun-da-da-da ♪" "Woof woof!" "Meow!" "Aw, hell, no!" "All right, boys, I got a surprise for you." "I ordered us new uniforms." "Where's the rest of the shorts?" "We don't need all the extra fabric getting in the way of our footwork." "Come on out, Dave!" "[Boys laughing] Look how free his thighs are!" "And white." "Looks like someone bleached a ghost." "[Door bangs]" "Uh, I'm sorry, sir." "Parents have to wait in the gym." "Dad, that's Dmitri, our star player." "But..." "He's on the team?" "How old is he?" "11 1/2." "What?" "!" "But he's already balding." "That's where his head hits the rim." "But he wasn't at practice." "Dad, Dmitri doesn't practice." "He just shows up to games and crushes it." "Eddie, you can't count on one player to carry a whole team." "If you do, I think you'll find... [doors bang]" "Boys: [Chanting] Dmitri!" "Dmitri!" "Dmitri!" "Dmitri!" "Dmitri!" "[Crowd cheering]" "[Deep voice] Dmitri!" "[Footsteps approach]" "You lost the game, huh?" "No." "We won." "It... was... awesome." "Dmitri looked right at me, like he almost thought about passing to me!" "Why aren't you happy?" "You won." "Because it's not about winning." "I'm trying to teach these kids about teamwork, but their priorities are all wrong." "Exactly." "They have no work ethic." "Not like us." "They think life is all gumdrops and worm hugs." "And cool goggles and long, flashy shorts." "That's why I'm rewriting the school play, to teach the boys something useful." "That's what I'm trying to do with Eddie, help prepare him for the real world." "But I don't think he gets it." "Too bad they don't have caddies in basketball, 'cause I would just love to carry Dmitri's bag and be like," ""hey, d., what do you need?" "Ball?" "Towel?" "Sports drink?"" "Is that really what you wanna take away from this?" "Carrying Dmitri's bag?" "It's better than carrying grandma's bag like Evan." "[Strained voice] Grandma, do you need anything in here?" "Maybe ones of your "TV guides"?" "_" "[Girls giggling]" "[Whistle blows]" "Okay, boys, enough goofing off!" "Let's run some drills." "[Boys groan]" "Oh." "You think drills are lame?" "Well, you know who doesn't think they're lame?" "Your NBA hero John Stockton." "He may play for the jazz, but there's no improvisation in his game." "I saw it on the "sportscenter" show." "It teaches the importance of shar... boys:" "Ohh!" "[Girls squeal]" "Nice shot." "Of course, that never would've happened if I was actually defending Dmitri, in which case, I would have my arms up, away from my body." "Boys:" "Ohh!" "Yeah!" "[Girls squeal]" "Eddie, hold my whistle." "[Piano playing]" "Pull up a chair, gumdrop." "You can be our study buddy." "Thanks, but I don't need to study anymore." "I found a new thing to be when I grow up." "It's called acting." "Act-ing?" "What's that?" "Something that doesn't require preparation or hard work." "I'm studying to be a doctor so I can make my parents proud." "And I'm prepping for the bar exam so I can become a lawyer and have..." "[Mouths words] A stable income and health insurance." "Well, if you wanna do homework, that's your "pagrogative."" "I'm gonna go get some head shots taken." "Mom, why'd you take out the part where we go to candy corn mountain?" "Because we are doing a new play." "It's called "acting, a cautionary tale, or Mr. Gumdrop goes to lazywood."" "Boys:" "Ohh!" "You just got poster-ized, coach!" "[Panting] No, I was just letting Dmitri show you an example of what's wrong with basketball today." "Yeah, we caught that lesson five dunks ago." "Dmitri!" "Well, then now you're ready for your next lesson." "A layup is worth just as many points as a dunk." "Substance over style." "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "[Thud, bones crunch] Dmitri:" "Aah!" "Dad?" "I think he's hurt." "Uh, on the bright side," "I peeked at Dmitri's medical records, and he is indeed 11 1/2." "[Chuckles]" "[Inhales deeply, clears throat]" "So our best player... by the fault of no one in particular, is out for the season." "Dmitri." "But we can still win this game by playing good team basketball." "You're still coming at us with that noise?" "This isn't Taiwan, dad." "Nobody plays like that anymore." "[Breathes deeply]" "I'm gonna tell you guys a story about a team back in Taipei." "They were a band of ragtag misfits from all over corners of town." "Some of them were too small." "Others too big." "One of them was a girl." "But they worked together, developed a play called "the flying v,"" "and became unstoppable!" "Isn't that "The Mighty Ducks"?" "Um..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "We rented it last weekend." "We were hit with a rewind fee, and you're like," ""I will not pay a rewind fee for 'The Mighty Ducks'!"" "Mm, not ringing a bell." "Look, the point is, you guys are ready for this." "You have all the training you need, so let's go out there and let's win one for Charlie Sheen's brother!" "[Buzzer sounds, whistle blows]" "That's half time!" "Aw, son of a bitch!" "[Makes slicing noise, laughs]" "Man, you suck!" "[Laughs]" "[Piano playing]" "[Shivering] So... cold." "Someone needs our help." "Just as I thought... this bum-drop hasn't worked in months." "That's not a bum-drop." "That's gumdrop, a classmate from my youth!" "I never should've become an actor." "It was a complete waste of time." "Oh, what happened to Yumland?" "Why aren't the other children on stage?" "I cut them. [Scoffs]" "If they wanna be actors so bad, they should get used to being unemployed." "Jessica, the school play's supposed to be fun." "Don't you do anything just for fun?" "Yes." "I teach my children valuable life lessons so they can become successful." "Ah." "Okay." "Okay." "I can see where we've been getting some complaints." "Who complained?" "Hey!" "Unicorn girl with a lisp!" "Was it you?" "I can't put you up there." "No one understands what you're saying." "[Lisps] I'm thowwy." "You see what I have to work with?" "Speaking from experience, that was a spanking." "They have their own Dmitri." "He scored all their points." "I can't believe we still have another half to play." "Guys, good news." "I have a plan." "We can quit." "I was talking to the ref, and there's a mercy rule." "He even drew us a map to the nearest Shakey's." "Apparently, there's a loser's discount on mojo potatoes." " Walter:" "Thank goodness!" " Dave: [Whispers] Yes!" "I call shotgun!" "Eddie, you were right." "Basketball clearly isn't about team anymore." "It's about who has the biggest star." "Monday, I'm calling your school and telling them to get you a new coach." "No, dad, you can't quit!" "And neither can we." "We have to beat these jerks." "How?" "Their Dmitri's stronger than us, bigger than us." "It's hopeless." "No, it's not." "Like my dad said, when you're playing this far below the rim, it's all about teamwork." "I guess what I mean is..." "Quack." "Quack." "Quack." "Boys:" "Quack." "Quack." "Quack!" "Quack!" "Quack!" "Quack!" "I love all this quacking, but you know there's no way we can win." "I never said we had to win." "I said we had to beat them." "[Blows whistle]" "Wu-tang clan: ♪ bam!" "Aw, man!" "I slam jam ♪" "Uhh!" "[Whistle blows]" "Foul!" "Uhh!" "[Whistle blows]" "[Spectators booing]" "[Gasps]" "[Eyebrows rip]" "[Screaming]" "[Both blow air] [Whistle blows]" "♪ If you want beef, then bring the ruckus ♪ [Whistle blows]" "♪ Wu-tang clan ain't nuthin' ta..." "With ♪" "♪ Wu-tang clan ain't nuthin' ta..." "With ♪" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "[Spectators groan]" " You're outta here!" " With pleasure!" "[Clipboard clatters] [Spectators booing]" "♪ Rugged lands of Shaolin ♪" "And that's exactly how it happened, mom." "We set the record for most fouls." "And we did it as a team." "Thanks to you, dad, we didn't just school them." "We old schooled them." "Well not really." "I don't remember teaching you to nut punch, but you did work together as a team." "I'm proud of you." "Hey, your dad told me that you guys are in a play." "That's so exciting." "I'm an actress, too." "I shot a home movie in a guy's apartment." "And now you're a waitress?" "Slash actress." "So I don't know if your play is already cast up, but..." "Keep me in mind." "That's an old picture." "It's before I grew into my teeth." "Mom, we don't wanna be in the play anymore." "Really?" "It's a waste of time." "We wanna focus on our future." "And not end up in the gutter with a low credit rating, like Mr. Gumdrop." "Good." "You got the point of the play." "Your backpacks are in the car." "You can go study." "They are so lucky to have us." "Well, we're also lucky to have them." "Their lives are much different than ours were." "I know." "Can you imagine if we had wasted time like they do?" "Oh, we never had the chance, Jessica." "But isn't that why we work so hard, to give them the opportunity to do things that we couldn't do?" "I mean, would it have been so bad if your parents had given you a strong work ethic and the glitter horse?" "I worked so hard." "I did all my schoolwork, all my chores." "I deserved a little horse with brittle hair to comb and braid and a human face to kiss at night." "I would have named her sugar applebalm and built her a stable out of tissue boxes." "And Janet Yi had three horses and she went to Harvard and became an assistant D.A., and ultimately, she died in a plane crash, but when she died, she was flying first class, like a boss!" "[Utensils rattle]" "Janet Yi's not dead." "Well, someone is!" "[Piano playing]" "Woof woof!" "Meow!" "[Laughter]" "Whee!" "[Chuckles] [Chuckles]" "This play is a mess." "It's a huge waste of time." "[Chuckles] Oh, but they're having fun." "[Camera shutter clicks]" "Plus, it'll look good on a college application." "[Lisps] Thmile!" "Two thooting thtars!" "[Laughter]" "What did she say?" "Nobody knows." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "You don't think I should move in with him?" "I have confidence that you'll do what is right." "Based on what?" "[Audience laughs]" "So no asians on TV, huh?" "_" "_" "[Door closes]" "Look what came in the mail, all the way from Taiwan." "Took a lot of phone calls, but I tracked one down." "[Jessica gasps]" "Oh!" "Sparkle time beauty horse!" "Oh, and it's a face one!" "My face burning is how I know you love me back." "Ow!"