"We're so fucking unique, aren't we?" "Opposable thumbs and broadband internet and hats." "No other animals wear hats." "How much of the bag have we smoked today, mate?" "It's not the grass, it's my heart." "It's going to stop at any moment, I can feel it." "Mmm." "Right." "I want you to do some breathing with me, OK?" "Just the simple in-and-out stuff." "OK, in... and out..." "What's that smell?" "Student house." "Am I going to die?" "Yes." "But probably not right now." "I have reason to believe you are experiencing what is commonly known amongst the student fraternity as a "whitey"." "A state of sickness and paranoia caused by smoking too much marijuana." "But diagnosing such a common ailment is more than my lousy job's worth, so just in case, we're going to cut off your vagina." "What?" "!" "I said we're going to check your vital signs." "You said you were going to cut off my vagina!" "You heard him!" "I heard my colleague say we were going to check your vital signs." "Did you hear the thing I said about paranoia?" "This shit's too strong for me." "It's like turmeric, but it's not turmeric." "Is there anyone here who can watch you climb down for a few hours?" "There's a bloke who lives upstairs." "I think he's called Philip or something." "Do you want to go and knock?" "It smells worse out there than it does in here." "Go on." "Hello." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello." "Hello." "Hello?" "Unlike lemmings and all other useless animals on this planet, human beings are capable of making a conscious, rational decision to reach for the off switch." "And the reason some of us make that choice?" "Because we know it's coming." "Death... is... coming." "Suicide." "No shit, Lieutenant Columbo" "We have a note." "Let's have a look." "Hey, show some fucking respect, will you?" "!" "Rachid found him, he gets first read." "No, no." "I'm OK, thanks." "It's just the usual." "No-one loves me, can't go on, yada, yada, yada." "I think you'll find it's only two "yadas"." "I'm sure it was three." "No." "It's two "yadas" and three "blahs"." "Are you two having a gay-off over this?" "I suppose if you say it was only two..." "No." "No, it could be three." "You're probably right." "Fuck's sake, get a cubicle!" "Right." "The dead one's all yours." "I'll see you." "Hang on." "Since when did we cart stiffs to the morgue?" "Since undertakers stopped returning my calls." "He'll stink out the van!" "No, we don't want him." "Well, nor do we!" "I'll have him." "I mean, we'll take him." "Thank you, Rachid." "You're a gentleman." "Since when did you start making decisions?" "It'll take ten minutes." "Let's cut him down, yeah?" "Can you believe this?" "What's wrong with your face?" "Nothing." "Shit, are you sad?" "Ash, fuck off!" "His first purple job." "Son, you are now a man." "Your mother and I are very proud." "Why didn't you ask him?" "It wasn't the right time." "I thought it was the perfect time." "Never ask a man a favour when he's surrounded by his mates." "They're compelled to show off." "If you don't ask someone soon, you're going to have to go on your own." "There's no shame going to a work do on your own." "I'm taking someone." "That's because you're not comfortable in your own company." "I am." "In fact, if I woke up tomorrow morning and the rest of the world had mysteriously disappeared due to some alien conspiracy," "I couldn't be happier." "You're so full of shit." "With respect." "How long do you reckon he was there?" "Are the fingernails still on?" "Sort of hanging on." "Just." "Ten days." "Fortnight, tops." "How did they not know he was there though?" "I mean... did they not check up on him or nothing?" "Did he not have any mates?" "Family?" "A girlfriend?" "You don't think he's doing a Shit Pete on us?" "Who's Shit Pete?" "He was a trainee we had last year." "Big tough lad, thought he could handle anything." "Snapped bones, severed limbs, eyeballs hanging out of their sockets." "Nothing fazed him." "Turns out though that Shit Pete had an Achilles heal after all." "Faecal matter." "Yeah." "Couldn't get within ten metres of a turd." "Sent him into panic attacks." "And as you know, in this job, we wade through tons of the stuff." "What happened to him?" "Change of career." "He couldn't combat his phobia." "I don't have a fucking phobia!" "Not yet." "How are you, Rachid?" "Good!" "Great!" "Perfect!" "Better than perfect!" "Mega perfect!" "There's no weird shit going on in my life at all." "Perfect?" "Well, well." "If it isn't our favourite resident counsellor" "I hear you guys had a tough one today." "What?" "The kid with his head in the railings?" "The alcoholic who swallowed his car keys?" "The suicide." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Pain in the arse that was." "Had to hang around for a while." "I was furious." "Blue in the face." "It's interesting how the human body does that." "The decomposing process." "The discolouration, filling up with all that gas." "Did you know if you jam your finger up their arse you can literally deflate them." "That's nice" "My door's always open." "Thank you." "She's on to you." "Me?" "Why me?" "The phobia." "She can smell it on you." "Like a shark smells blood." "No." "We've got to do something about this." "Hilarious." "Fucking hilarious" "You could at least laugh." "Do you know how much effort I went to make that?" "Do you know how hard it is to get hold of helium?" "I'm sorry." "I don't find this funny." "Well." "You have to find it funny otherwise your phobia will win." "Ah, that's brilliant!" "Was that you?" "Yeah." "Oh, that is class, mate." "Solid class." "OK." "That's 20 minutes, and I'm losing the feeling in my jaw." "Sorry." "You'd miss me, wouldn't you?" "Where are you going?" "I mean if I just disappeared." "You'd come round and make sure everything was all right, wouldn't you?" "Well..." "I guess." "Eventually." "What if I was trapped down a well?" "No-one could hear my screams for help?" "Who falls down wells these days?" "It's just an example." "If you didn't hear from me, you know, I could be... dead or something." "Wouldn't that worry you?" "Only if I knew about it, which, in your weird well scenario, I wouldn't... wanted this to be casual." "I've changed my mind." "Say that last bit again cos I didn't fully understand it." "I've asked Sarah to be my girlfriend." "Yeah, that's the part I'm not clear on." "This woman drops everything and hurries over to fuck you every time you snap your fingers, but otherwise remains pretty much out of your life and you thought you'd ask her to be your girlfriend?" "!" "I realised it was time for us to move up to the next level." "Interesting reaction." "Your subconscious has detected a threat - your phobia of dying alone." "So it's instructed you to rush out and secure a girlfriend in an attempt to fight off the danger." "It's not a reaction to anything." "It's just a simple, straightforward boy-girl relationship." "So on the very day that we haul Billy No Mates out of the shower, you decide to get serious with a woman?" "It's a coincidence." "Nah." "'Unconscious youth at Bradford Ice Rink needs assistance.'" "OK." "Ready?" "Let's catch some fucking waves!" "Do you know how I want to die?" "In your sleep?" "Fuck that." "I want to know what death feels like." "Put me in the food aisle of Marks and Spencer's on a busy Saturday." "Heart attack, brain aneurism, whatever." "As long as it's right next to the bit where they sell the scotch eggs and the individual pork pies." "Someone's always dropping shit round there." "There's bound to be a scrap of food I can snaffle up with my last breath." "Now that, to me, is a good death." "36 seconds." "Ha-ha!" "Nice one." "No." "No." "Definitely can't ask him." "Oh, come on!" "One of them must owe you a favour." "Not a favour this big." "This is like "Two dead hookers in a blood spattered hotel room, come and help me" scale of favour." "What?" "A night out with me is that bad, is it?" "For a gay man who's never met you, yeah." "What about Troy?" "Troy's my dad." "And what?" "He's busy?" "Can you hear me?" "Can you hear me?" "Hang on in there, darling." "We'll get you some help." "Ambulance will be here any minute." "You've got to be joking." "Brilliant!" "Do you know who he is?" "No, sorry." "He's on his own, was he?" "All right?" "Teenage boy, no ID, no name, no companion, should be at school." "What do we do, newbie?" "Take him in?" "Be nice to have a grown up along for the ride in case he shits himself when he wakes up." "We don't have any ID." "Phone." "Who am I calling?" "Adam?" "Amber?" "Anita?" "Ashock?" "ICE." "ICE?" "Baby." "Sorry, I couldn't resist." "ICE - in case of emergency." "No-one actually does that, do they?" "Wow." "Apparently they do." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Argh!" "Hello." "My name is Rachid," "I'm calling from West Riding Ambulance Service." "Yeah." "I think we may have your son?" "Er... 5' 10", red hair, too much gel, can't quite grow a moustache." "No he's all right." "He's just, um..." "He's fallen over." "Who are you calling?" "I'm not." "I'm putting Sarah in as my ICE contact." "Please." "On behalf of the heterosexual population, don't ruin this by making her a girlfriend." "I love her." "No you don't." "You just need her to love you." "What's the difference?" "What's going on?" "His fear of a lonely death is threatening to destroy his waking life." "Leave it out, will you." "I can handle it." "No you can't." "Not until you exorcise your demons." "Hey, I haven't got any fucking demons, all right?" "OK." "So suppose I've got.." "A demon?" "Mmm." "Then what?" "Tell it to fuck off." "What if I can't do that?" "You'll waste every breath trying your fucking damndest not to die, until eventually and inevitably you will fail." "And loading Sarah as your ICE contact will not vanquish that demon." "Got it all figured out, haven't you?" "Let me ask you a question." "Who've you got as your ICE contact?" "Who have you got at the other end of your phone?" "Igglepiggle?" "OK." "I have people who give a shit about me." "Yeah?" "Name one?" "Name one." "Fucking knew it." "No." "Hang on." "Look." "There." "Here we go." "Look." "See?" "What's that?" "ICE contact." "Who is it though?" "Who is it?" "I don't know." "I don't recognise the number, but..." "Poignant, mate." "Very poignant" "Uh!" "Yep?" "Sorry, whose phone is this?" "'I don't know, man.'" "I just nicked it out of some bird's handbag last week, innit." "What did she look like?" "Short dark hair, I think." "How old would you say she was?" "About 25, or older." "Listen." "Is this going to take any longer?" "Cos I'm kind of in the middle of something here." "'Did she have loads of eye make up and like an upturned nose?" "'" "Yeah." "That's it, yeah." "Melissa Kent!" "Yes." "Look you've been really helpful." "Thanks very much." "That's my pleasure." "Cheers." "Have a good day." "I certainly will." "Bye." "Melissa Kent." "First proper girlfriend, or to be more precise, the first woman I managed to wrestle an orgasm out of." "And for that spurious honour she went down as your emergency contact?" "I thought it was going to last forever." "No fucking good now, though, is it?" "Delete." "You've got to have an ICE number." "Who's yours then?" "I'm not telling you that." "Go on!" "It's a private thing." "No, it isn't." "It's the person you trust more than anyone else in the world." "It's who you want by your side when it really matters." "Holding your hand." "It's private." "I take it this special someone knows you've loaded them as your emergency contact?" "Oh, that is sly, and, I may add, cheating." "No, it isn't." "You can't have an ICE who doesn't know they're your ICE." "I can if I like." "OK, fuck it, I'll add Roger Federer as my ICE then, shall I?" "You don't have Roger Federer's phone number." "And if you did, he'd probably be off playing tennis and be no use to you." "Well, I'll either be dead or dying, so who cares?" "DVD first, sex later." "That's the arrangement." "What exactly's happening?" "They love each other, but they're not allowed to talk about it." "Right." "And that's better than me jumping up and down on your cock, is it?" "I'm just trying to do this properly." "Being your girlfriend's kind of boring." "Trust me, we'll get over the boring bit and then it will be like, really genuine and moving and stuff." "We'll have memories." "Stuff we can talk about when one of us, you know... dies." "Is there something you're not telling me?" "I want you to meet my family." "Shit!" "Are they coming over now?" "They're in Morocco." "Thank fuck for that." "This is the bit where you invite me to meet your family, too." "Why would you want to do that?" "Cos I'm your boyfriend." "Remember?" "Just load your mum as your ICE." "My mum is fucking useless in an emergency." "Your dad?" "Sorry." "Funny" "Fuck it." "Put my number in then." "You?" "!" "Yeah." "Are you joking?" "No." "When a call comes you'll be gobbling off a stranger in a bush." "Thanks for that" "No." "I need someone good." "Sorry." "Someone reliable." "Someone equipped to deal with a difficult situation in a calm, mannered, authoritative and emotionally detached way." "Maxine." "Her parents are going to fucking hate you." "Guaranteed." "Why?" "Cos of the colour of my skin?" "Maybe the colour of your skin." "Maybe your religion." "Your hair." "The shape of your weird, ugly nose." "Well I'll win them over then, won't I." "So what attracted you to my daughter in the first place?" "Role play." "Go with it." "What attracted you to my daughter in the first place?" "Um, well Mr Fraser, the first time I met Sarah" "I thought she was... beautiful." "So you just wanted to poon her?" "Initially, if I'm honest." "But now I want a genuine relationship with her." "Because you don't want anyone else to poon her?" "No, because I want to get to know her better and I want to share my life with her." "Oh, so this is all about you and your needs, is it, Rachid?" "No." "How do I know you're not the sort of man who's going to strangle-wank himself to death in a hotel wardrobe?" "Fuck off, man!" "This is going to go really well" "Good shit?" "Routine." "Mmm." "I've always wondered, do gay guys enjoy taking a shit more than straight guys?" "Yeah." "Course we do" "Fuck off!" "That's not very nice." "I didn't do anything to deserve that, did I?" "God, you're just like everyone else." "I'm sorry, man." "I didn't mean that, I'm just a bit nervous about tonight." "Meeting Sarah's folks." "You'll be fine." "You're a great guy." "Just be yourself." "You didn't really get any pussy, did you?" "How do you know that?" "Just a hunch." "Well, they didn't have him deported, at least." "Uh-huh." "They fucking love me." "I was cool." "I was confident." "I was charming." "I was so funny right that Sarah's mum practically choked on her tagine." "At one point it was literally coming out of her nose." "You had tagine?" "They love Moroccan food, they love Moroccan culture..." "They are so cool" "I might just marry Sarah so I can spend more time with them." "Whoa!" "Did someone just use the "m" word?" "God..." "I did, didn't I?" "I think I'm gonna marry her." "Calm down." "Take a deep breath." "I'll get him some oxygen." "As my dear father taught me, there is nothing in this world that you cannot run away from." "No." "I don't think you understand." "I have to marry her." "What do you mean "no"?" "!" "I mean no." "I don't want to be your emergency contact." "Why not?" "Why should I?" "Why me?" "Because you know me." "You've known me for ages." "You have all the vital information to hand." "You know I'm not allergic to penicillin." "You know I can hold my breath under water for a long period of time." "One minute fourteen is hardly a world record." "And who'd want to even know that about you?" "I could be in a kayaking accident." "Trapped in some weeds at the bottom of the river bed." "They're about to write me off when suddenly you pipe up, "Stuart can hold his breath under water for... "." "OK, OK, I get it." "But it's still a no." "Please?" "What are you going to do for me?" "God..." "What?" "You've already got something in mind." "Haven't you?" "There's this thing I have to go to tonight." "A work thing." "I'd rather not go alone so I need a..." "A date?" "Companion." "Is this like a room full of policemen like boring coppers with their boring wives talking about arresting people?" "That's exactly what it is." "With a presentation to follow." "OK." "It's gonna take... what?" "Two, three, four hours?" "On the upside, you get me as an emergency contact." "Yes, but what I'm asking you to do is, like, nothing." "It's your number in my phone." "I'm not asking you to physically do anything." "Unless you drop down dead." "I am a picture of health!" "You are going to die way before me!" "Says who?" "It's your job." "You're going to get stabbed by some football fan." "Or caught in some crossfire in a hostage negotiation thing." "So you won't come with me?" "It's not that I won't." "It's just I need something else on top." "Something to sweeten the deal." "Forget the trade off." "What if this actually meant something to me?" "What if I asked you just as a friend?" "That's not fair." "That is not how you negotiate a deal." "Nice idea but..." "I'm late for work." "Oh, shit..." "Sarah..." "will you marry me?" "Well?" "If I'm totally honest... it's not the best proposal I've ever had." "How many have you had?" "Six." "But it's normally part of a plan to make me to do some sort of sex act I'm not comfortable with." "So?" "You want to go in my arse?" "No!" "This is genuine." "I want to wake up next to you every morning until one day... one of us doesn't wake up." "Hopefully me." "Look." "Are you sure you know what you're asking me?" "Forget about the ring." "I'll get you a proper one." "With a diamond." "Maybe Beryl and Martin can come and help us chose one together?" "Who?" "Your parents." "Oh!" "Yeah." "It's probably best if we don't mention this to them..." "Why not?" "They'll want to be involved." "They don't like you." "Yeah, right." "No." "Seriously." "Were you not at that same dinner?" "They fucking love me." "They were just being polite." "I mean," "The moment you left they were slagging you off." "What's wrong with me?" "Why don't they like me?" "They just think you're a bit... immature." "You know how in a relationship, some things are good and some things are shit?" "But you balance the good with the shit and it kind of evens out?" "Lopsided breasts... can cook a steak." "Exactly!" "So you're trying to hand Maxine a piece of shit, but you're not willing to balance it with something good." "Yeah but a police party!" "Come on." "How much fun does that sound?" "Quid pro quo, mate." "She wouldn't agree to a deal now." "I think I've pissed her off somehow." "Really?" "One minute we're haggling." "The next minute she comes over all like "Oh, can't you just do this for me as a friend?" sort of thing." "Sounds like it might actually mean something to her." "You think?" "Or she's just a really good negotiator." "You're up, skater boy." "Woodvine wants me in the FRU with Slow Alan today." "Why?" "Because that's what I asked for." "But we're in the middle of a fucking competition." "There's a lot riding on this." "Unless a certain little pussy is scared he can't beat my record time?" "You boys play your silly little games, all right." "I've got a proper job to do." "Did you tell it to fuck off?" "I did, yeah." "Didn't work." "He's still there." "Sneaks up on me, keeps me up all night talking endless shit..." "What does he want you to do?" "What he failed at, I think." "Settle down with a good woman." "Did he also instruct you to act like a twat around your mates?" "Look." "The only way I can keep Sarah, right." "Is if learn to be more... mature." "The only way I can do that is to not hang around with you two." "'Elderly male unconscious at Rowan Wood retirement home in need of assistance.'" "See you there." "Did he just dump us?" "What do we have, Kemosabe?" "This is Mr Granger." "Staff came in this morning to wake him for breakfast and he was not responsive." "His pulse is sixty." "He's snoring." "15 migs of diazepam administered three o'clock this morning." "It'd put out a small horse." "Maybe he's had a reaction to the drugs." "Yes, he is reacting to the drugs and that reaction is called "sleeping"." "I still think we should take him in." "Just to be safe." "Ash, get the door." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to wake Mr Granger by administering a pain stimulus." "Give my patient a sternal rub." "I'm telling Woodvine!" "I once went out with a nurse who worked in one of these places." "She admitted that sometimes, to make the shifts a little bit more bearable, she'd slip them a wee sleeping pill." "Course she would yeah." "A lonely old man, just wants some company and you drug him." "Bingo!" "Yes!" "And if we don't wake him up soon, that is exactly what he'll be missing out on." "I want to take him in." "You..." "You wanna show up at AE with a sleeping man?" "I just want to be certain." "I think it's the professional and mature thing to do." "Go on then." "Let's do it." "He's cute..." "I didn't know you were gay." "I'm not." "I mean I wasn't." "In the afterlife, anything goes." "What are you still doing here?" "Shouldn't you be, like, passing through to the other side, or something?" "I can't go anywhere until I know you've resolved everything." "I don't want to rub salt into the wound but Sarah hasn't agreed to marry you yet." "I don't know if she's right for me." "I don't even know if I'm right for her." "Oh, you'll learn to love each other." "Or tolerate." "The important thing is you're together." "That someone's there, by your side... just in case." "I'll keep trying." "You do that!" "There's got to be something we can do to help." "You know?" "Snap him out of it." "Demons." "Got to fight them one on one." "Did they call for breakfast yet?" "Ta-da!" "You're giving yourself a fanfare?" "Yeah, in a, you know, "I'm here!" sort of way." "What are you doing here, Stuart?" "I've come to take you to the not very secret policeman's ball." "How do you know I haven't sorted out a proper date?" "Do you want to stand here and wait for him to shows up?" "Or I could reach into your wardrobe and pluck him out of Narnia if that would be quicker?" "All right." "Fine." "You can take me." "But this doesn't mean I'm gonna be your emergency contact." "If you're doing this it has to be an act of friendship, not a pay-off." "Something for nothing?" "I'm happy to go alone." "If there's someone by my side, great, but if not..." "I'll get over it." "OK." "I can do this." "You're sure?" "Just unlock the door before I change my mind." "What?" "You're not gonna drive me?" "Don't take the piss, eh." "Just." "Level with me on something." "Uh-huh?" "How long have you got?" "..." "Sorry?" "To live." "A month?" "A year?" "Er..." "You think I'm dying?" "You're not?" "No." "Oh." "You only agreed to go out with me cos... you thought I had a terminal illness, didn't you?" "You've been dropping hints about it all week." "I assumed you'd found a lump on your balls or something." "Where are you going?" "I'm leaving." "You can't leave!" "I forbid you!" "Is that a Moroccan thing?" "Because it's not very sexy if it is." "Hello..." "Hello..?" "I'm dying." "What?" "Rachid..." "Rachid!" "Mate!" "Mate, what's the matter?" "Rachid..." "I'm coming over." "Pick up the phone." "Wasn't I great?" "You were surprisingly restrained." "I talked to loads of your colleagues." "I didn't swear." "I didn't even try and score off anyone." "You are aware I told everyone you're "just a friend"?" "Yeah." "I'm cool with that." "Tonight was all about you, baby." "I was the guy you wanted me to be, no strings attached." "How many times am I going to have to say thank you?" "Well." "You could always show your appreciation." "OK." "Here we go..." "No." "But if you don't want to..." "hey, that's fine too." "All right then." "I surrender." "You can load me in as your emergency contact." "No, no, look." "Not if you're not comfortable..." "I don't mind." "No." "Seriously, I'm not asking for anything..." "Just put the fucking number in before I change my mind." "OK." "Good.." "Right." "Go on then." "You already have my number." "I know but if you say it out loud it's more official." "Like a legally-binding handshake." "Zero, double seven, double zero..." "Yeah." "nine, double zero..." "Yeah." "seven, five, zero." "OK." "And... save." "The next time I call you..." "I may be dead." "What?" "Well, I didn't want to say anything earlier but I wish you'd cover up a bit..." "You know." "Work do, and all that." "People don't want to see too much of the udders." "Right... thanks for the advice." "Free advice." "Come on." "Sarah." "She... she left me." "Are you surprised?" "All I wanted was for her to stay forever." "If I could tell you where and when and how you're going to die, would that put an end to this?" "Maybe." "You'll be old... and you'll be in a hospital and there'll be a complication associated with a precondition." "End of." "Aim for that... everything else will fall into place." "You are going to be fine." "You can beat this fella." "Drink some water, avoid caffeine, get some sleep." "If you feel a sharp pain in your chest, call an ambulance." "Call an ambulance!" "How do you want to go?" "Another time." "Fuck off and leave me alone?" "!" "Hi, Rachid." "God." "Er, sorry, um..." "I was talking to, er... nobody." "Do you often tell "nobody"" "to fuck off and leave you alone?" "It's complicated." "Why don't we see if we can make it less so, hm?" "I'm not really getting much sleep at the moment..." "My girlfriend she, er... she left me." "And then..." "I thought I was gonna die but then I didn't." "And you're pleased to be alive?" "Yeah, being alive's fucking great." "It's not gonna last forever though, is it?" "One day something's going to happen." "But where?" "When?" "How?" "What will I have done?" "What will I have achieved?" "Say I'm gonna be around." "Who gives a shit?" "That's a long list of concerns." "Is it too late to throw in penis envy?" "Let's tackle one thing at a time." "What are you most afraid of, Rachid?" "Not being liked enough." "Rachid, people do like you." "There are people who would miss you." "What's anyone gonna miss about me, eh?" "Your wit." "Your energy." "Your friendship." "What the fuck's this?" "Every ten minutes she's going to check I'm not dead?" "You wanted her as an ICE." "I bet I'm not even the only one." "I bet she's loaded onto hundreds of peoples phones as an ICE contact." "She's an ICE whore." "Wow!" "That is a whole new strain of paranoia, even for you, mate." "I think I'm going to delete her." "Not without telling her you're deleting her." "And that is a conversation you're too cowardly to have." "So by your reckoning it's OK to load an ICE contact without their approval, but it's not OK to delete them without consultation?" "Yeah." "You live by some fucked-up codes of conduct." "No." "OK." "Two years from now she's innocently walking down the street and bumps into a mutual friend who says, "Hey, did you hear about Stuart?" ""He got hit by a train." "No, no, no." "Impossible." ""You see I'm his ICE contact." "So someone would have called."" "How do you think that's gonna make her feel when she realises she's been deleted?" "God, I'm stuck with her aren't I?" "Uh-huh." "And that is why my ICE contact will remain a secret... even to them." "Go on." "Give us a clue." "Is it someone you fucked?" "No." "Right." "Is it someone you intend to fuck?" "Very much no." "Hold on." "I recognise this guy." "Didn't he use to do training with us?" "I've never seen him before in my life." "I want to come back." "If you'll have me?" "Sorry." "I'd love to." "But we can't have a trainee with a phobia." "Not enough room in the van." "It's gone..." "I think." "Really." "How'd you beat it?" "I had a little help." "Shit." "Please don't tell me it was with Kirsty." "Well, she helped a bit, but mainly it was..." "Yeah." "It was all Kirsty." "68-year-old man complaining of chest pains." "Walcott Avenue." "Needs assistance." "Buckle up, Musketeers." "We got a job." "Welcome back." "Come on." "You're still a cock." "Hey!" "Can I drive?" "No." "Get the defib!" "OK." "I think you may be too late..." "That's very kind of you." "Thank you." "Thank you..." "Our condolences, yeah." "So how are you holding up?" "Fine." "Not freaked out or anything?" "That purple guy was scary and depressing, but this one..." "Life affirming, wasn't it?" "Are you kidding?" "It was fucking creepy!" "She's sat there, like, combing his dead hair, putting his best suit on... like he's some sort of doll, or something." "Gave me the shivers." "Not for you, eh?" "Fuck no," "I would rather be on my own than have that!" "Hey." "Are you coming, or what?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming..." "Good." "Cheryl Cole." "What good would Cheryl Cole be in an emergency?" "She seems pretty level headed, and emotional with it." "Plus she's good in a fight." "Huh..." "Good luck getting her number." "You say that." "I once played snooker with a bloke who fucked her cousin." "So." "Yeah." "I might pursue this." "Intoxicated female in fountain, Park Square, Leeds." "Needs assistance." "Ready?" "Let's go." "Let's do it." "Easy!" "Easy!" "Whoa!" "Arghhh!" "Bastards..." "You bastards!" "Don't move." "I sort of prefer more..." "yielding women." "Yielding?" "The alpha male is in constant danger of his life as younger males contend for his crown." "Drive it like you stole it." "That's what I say." "Yielding?" "You reckon you can do that?" "You're not vegetarian, are you?" "No." "You made a date with Ryan then." "Yeah." "A big black guy." "Classic macho stereotype." "You really have a thing for the alpha male." "Do you fancy a drink sometime?" "Erm..." "It's time for regime change." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd Sync and corrected by APOLLO"