"Here on Two, "Out of the Trees" with Graham Chapman." "Than, the Universe:" "A multitude of mighty galaxies, within each galaxy a miriad of mighty star systems, within each star system a multiplicity of mighty planets." "And in just one of these mighty planets the mighty British Rail electric train." "Oh look, isn't that a lawnmower over there?" "Oh yes, that's the good old Qualcast Panther." "We always use it." "Oh, Qualcast Panther, that rings a bell." "You use that for cutting the grass?" "Yes, you push it and all the little blades go round and sort of cut the grass." "Oh." "Ours is motorised." "What?" "Oh, our other one's motorised." "Your other one?" "I didn't know about that." "We don't like to use it in front of the neighbours." "Because of the people next door we don't use our two rotary ones." "They haven't even got a lawnmower." "I know how you feel - we've got half a dozen mowers that hover on air just rotting in the garage, because next door they haven't even got a lawn, and they're such sweet people one doesn't like to humiliate them." "How do you think we feel?" "There we are with 43 hover mowers all with leather upholstery, and eight track stereo, and the people next door haven't even got a house." "It's so embarrassing." "You don't need to tell us - I mean we're stuck with our fleet of atomic powered Silko-Glyde lawnmowers," "each with a sauna bath, cocktail lounge, three adjoining cinemas and a discotheque, and the whole of India's starving." "My dear I just don't know where to put my face." "'Than' is a word which is very rarely used to start sentences." "Er, is that important?" "No, I'm just trying to make the point." "Well there's no doubt you're right." "I mean, one could certainly never start a television series with it." " Ah, but we just have." " What?" "Oh good lord!" "You know a lot about television do you?" "Yes, I often work for television." "I've just done a voice over for a documentary called" "'British Rail And Its Place In The Universe'." " Television, that's interesting." " Yes well, it has its moments." "No no, no no, I meant the word 'television', it's hybrid you see." "Is it?" "Yes, you see, 'tele' comes from the Greek and 'vision' from the Latin." "It should have been 'telerama' or 'proculvision'." "Yes, I can see why they did it." "A bastard." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean you're a bastard" " I meant the word." "Bastard?" "Sorry, I thought you called me a buzzard." " A buzzard?" "Yes it's a particularly useless kind of hawk." "Oh really?" "I can see I'm going to enjoy this." "...and that was a kitten too." "The value of an ordinary cycle is in the exercise it gives you." " Coffee?" " Motorcycles are little use that way." "They give you no exercise." "Unless they break down and you have to run them home." "It seems delightful to rush around on these 'fussy buzzers', filling people's eyes and hair with horrible dust, beheading chickens and kittens as you go and scaring old ladies into fits." "But it doesn't pay in the long run - even for oneself." "If you want to keep in health, stick to an ordinary bike." "Coffee?" "Talking of kittens, I was once cycling along, and suddenly found myself flat on the ground." "I picked myself up and said to a man on the path," ""How did I get here please, for I don't know?"" ""I saw a kitten run into your wheel" he replied." "So!" "Beware of kittens!" " Coffee?" " No." "But talking of coffee, I well remember when we, that is, me and my bicycle, were taking a troop of boys on a cycling your of the Lake District." "I'd like some coffee please." " What?" " Coffee." "Haven't got any coffee." "Well you were shouting coffee and you've got that coffee-pot there." "Oh, coffee." "Thank you, and I'd like a sandwich too please." "I thought you wanted coffee." "Yes, but I'd like a sandwich too." "I wish you'd make up your mind." "What sort of sandwiches have you got?" "Well, there's cheese and tomato..." "Yes, and what else?" "What do you mean, else?" "Well I mean other than cheese and tomato sandwiches." "I thought you wanted a sandwich." "Yes I did, but it sounded as though you had other sorts as well." "Look mate, cheese and tomato sandwich, take it or leave it." "Alright, I'll have that, if you're sure you've got nothing else." "Well, there's coffee." "No thanks, I think I'll just have the cheese and tomato sandwich." "You'll just have the cheese and tomato sandwich?" "Yes please." "No, I mean, and the coffee as well." "Er, excuse me, perhaps I can help." "I think what is required is one coffee and one cheese and tomato sandwich." "Haven't got any coffee." "Oh, yes, coffee." "No, I meant for him." "I don't want anything." "Oh, changed your mind have you?" " No." "I know your game mate - you're trying to mess me about." "Very funny." "Har bloody har." "Look, it's quite simple." "I want one coffee and one sandwich." "He doesn't want anything." "He's only trying to help." "Only trying to help eh?" "Look, will you please listen - it's very very simple." "I have been listening mate." "You go and get your own coffee and sandwiches," "I've got a job to do, you load of tits." "I agree, shut up, shut up you load of tits." "I know what you mean mate, I used to do this job on the Liverpool line." "What?" "The Liverpool line?" "That's worse than this." "Yeah, I know." "Look, could I have one sandwich and three coffees for myself." " Coffee?" " Yes." "What are you doing now then?" " Bloody ticket office." " Oh, bloody hell." "Poor bastard, that's worse than this." "Here, have this lot on me." " Oh thanks." " See you around mate." "Fancy a drop of brandy in it?" "Do you work on the railways then?" "Well not as such, I more sort of don't." " I see." "Cheers." " Cheers." " So, you work in television then?" " Yes, but only voiceovers really." "What sort of thing, documentaries and so on?" "Well not always, I sometimes do adventure stuff." "I mean you know the sort of thing, like um, well, like um:" ""Europe and Asia, fragmented and torn asunder by the great duel between Pope and Emperor, was ripe to fall to a new axe..." "Now out of the wastes of Central Asia a new and formidable power emerged, as the Mongols launched an attack upon the world under their mighty leader, Ghengis Khan." " That sort of thing." " Oh, no, carry on, it was very exciting." "Oh, well, all right..." "Ghengis Khan, elected leader of the Asian warlords, was marked out amongst men because of his curious grey green eyes, his broad forehead, his compelling beard, and the fact, that he could beat the daylights out of any of them." "Rape me, not her!" "Shut up, it's me he wants to rape." "Does she know who I am?" "You are the mighty Khan!" "Does she know what I want of her?" "Oh I'll do anything for you oh Khan, but spare my family." "Then begin." "Hey not that!" "I said stop that!" "Now ask him, ask him what sort of day he's had." "What?" "Just say "what sort of day have you had"." " What sort of day have you had?" " "dear"!" "What sort of day have you had dear?" "Oh, not too bad really." "Violent, same as usual." "I said stop that!" "Ask him how his work's been going." " Hey?" "How's your work going dear?" "And put some affection in it!" "How's your work going dear?" "Oh, not too bad really - we swept through Manchuria a bit and spilt quite a lot of blood there, that was this morning, and then this afternoon was mainly pillaging really, and then after that we spilled a bit of blood round about half four." "What sort of day have you had?" "Tell him!" " Oh, er well, father was killed." " Oh yes dear?" " Cat was burnt." " Oh really?" "That's all really..." "And I was tortured a bit." "What?" "I'm sorry dear, I was reading this." " Right, nag him!" " What?" "Nag him!" "Tell him he shouldn't be reading while you're talking to him." " He'll kill me!" " Bleeding kill you if you don't." "Just say, 'Look Ghengis, put that thing away whilst I'm talking to you'." "Look Ghengis, put that thing away while I'm talking to you." "Look, if you don't get angry..." "..something might get broken." "Put that thing away while I'm talking to you!" "Oh, I am sorry dear...how's Towser?" " What?" "The dog, girl, get the dog, any dog!" "Look, stop all this, rape me, rape me!" "No, you're just like all the others, you'd only laugh." "Sorry, I forgot." "Well, that was very exciting..." "Shhh!" "And still the battles raged, as the mighty Khan wrenched Eastern Mongolia from the Tartar, wrested Western Mongolia from the Namons, tore Central Mongolia from the Keraits, pruned Ghihli from Nuchihs, and in February pissed off with the whole of Afghanistan." "Oh, dear, which..." "which battle was that?" "The battle of Sammerkand oh Khan!" "Oh dear, I really can't tell the difference anymore." "Did we win?" "Yes oh Khan - it was a mighty victory!" "Oh dear - after twenty years of these half hour battles," "I really get the feeling there ought to be something more important to life." "Do you think I'm putting it on a bit?" " No no." "Now, oh Khan, we must push forward to Persia, and then we shall be poised to take over the whole world!" "You know, I think I am a bit." "Look, you feel that." "Do you think I should go to a health farm?" "No, that's quite all right." "Look, we're on the point of conquering the world tomorrow." " When?" " Tomorrow." "Ah, now, tomorrow's a bit difficult you see, because I was going to give a lecture on carnage techniques in Bokhara next week, and I'd thought I'd use tomorrow to prepare it." "Well, can't you put that off?" "Well not really you see, they've paid me quite a lot for it, so I am a bit committed." "Wednesday." "Well er, I haven't got anything down, but I'm sure" "I'm meant to be doing something, so we'd better count that out." "Thursday?" "No, no, Thursday I am certain about - we've got my son Ogdai and his wife coming round for dinner and I'd sort of promised the wife." "But I am Ogdai!" "Well there you are then - you wouldn't be able to make it either." "Will you be ready to conquer the world on Friday?" "Ah, well you see the secretary comes round on Friday mornings - all those letters to write, and then lunchtime's out because I've got to talk about some silk deal." "Then I think I'm free about four, but I was hoping to get away early for a long weekend." "So now, let's see Monday, Monday, No, R  R I'm afraid." " What?" "R  R. Rest and Recuperation - that's one thing I do insist upon." "Now how about Tuesday?" "Tuesday - yes, look, I'm free in the morning - no hold on a minute - no hold a moment" "I'd sort of made a date for meeting this awfully interesting person who knows absolutely everything about understanding things, which is a thing I'm very bad at." "So, that's a pity really because that was my only free day next week." "Now, next, next Tuesday we could..." "The amount of time one actually spends on carnage is eventually completely disproportionate." "to the amount of satisfaction one gains from it." "Apart from anything else, it's so cold and bloody uncomfortable wearing these stupid costumes, and you spend days sitting round getting bored out of your skull waiting for some miserable battle which only takes five minutes, and you wonder - is it all worth it?" "I really ought to be doing more reading." "How much are we getting for this battle?" "About the same as we got at Bokhara." "I don't know why we bother?" "I can make more than this out of one morning's silk trading, and have the rest of the week off." "Oh dear, one's life isn't really one's own." " so that's more or less the whole of March out." " April?" " Well no, April's out." "I'm going to Africa in April - that's one thing I had promised myself." "May?" "Well, I don't like to commit myself that far in advance." "One feels so tied down if one is completely committed beforehand." "Anyway." "May, May..." ""possible conquest of the world"" "Now I've only pencilled that in, so don't regard it as absolutely definite, but keep on at me about it and we'll see how it goes." "Look, shall I just get on with it with the other generals?" "Well you see, I don't know about that..." "Talking of "I don't know" - how one does ramble on!" "" "There is a house in the sand hills near Bournemouth with a funny name." "When the occupants went into it, the wife said, What shall we call it dear?" ""Oh, I dunno." said the husband, in a bored voice." "So!" "The house has "Aidunno" on the gate." "What's the moral of that?" "Beware of bored husbands who say 'Aidunno'." "But every bored husband was once a bored boy, who, I expect, found it 'too much fag' to clean his bicycle himself." "No, not too busy, but too lazy - got you there old chap!" "You may well blush." "Look, you strange person, if you're not careful you'll wake them up." "Oh, I'm careful, old chap." "You have to be careful." "when you're stripping down a bike." "Look at the way" "I've laid my nuts out in a neat line so I know where I can find them." "Beware of nuts that are not in a line." "Anyway, enough of this - there's work to do." "The boy Jesus wouldn't have sat around talking all day." "Oh, you little bitch!" "Oh hello ladies." "Excuse me butting in." "My name's E.W. Clifford-Aldiss." "but you can call me W., because I only use my second name." "Forgive my asking, but may I enquire whether there has been some kind of altercation between you?" "Yes there has!" "She, the little bitch, started bragging about all the lawn- mowers which I know she hasn't got, and I merely happened to mention that my husband earns more than hers, and she pulled a knife on me." "You need never be ashamed of living in a smaller house than other boys." "A bigger house adds nothing to people's happiness, although I expect you think it would, and is nothing to boast of." "It is the worst kind of snobbishness to boast of your father's money, or the expensive things that he has." " My husband..." " Husband, sorry." " ...is the richest man in his office." " Prove it." " What?" " Come on, prove it." " All right, I will." " And so..." "Right, now before we read the minutes of the last meeting," "I'd jusr like to ask how much money we've made recently." "What do you mean?" "Today, or just since the meeting began?" "Well, since I last spoke." "Well let me see." "That's him." "Well, from your last word, that's 498 million pounds " "That's not including the interest at a rate of 18½% accrued during the 5 seconds it's taken since I started pressing the buttons and by the time I've finished this sentence, that'll be 26 million pounds." "or 29 million pounds if I carry on the sentence to say the bit I'm saying at the moment - which I have, call it thirty." "Right." "So gentlemen, being the majority shareholders we sell out completely," " Sell!" " ...which will send all the shares plummeting." "Then we buy back a hundred times as many," " Buy!" " ...at the cheaper price." "How much have I made so far?" " Ooooooooh, er, billions." "Right, good day's business." "Gentlemen, the Chairman." "Sorry I'm late." "Can't stop for long, I've got a chat show to do." "How are things on the money front?" " Oh, splendid, piles of the stuff." " Enormous quantities." " Terrific amounts of cash." " Unbelievable sums of money." " Pantechnicons full of crisp fivers." "Right, well, I'll take three quarters of it." "Oh dear, business worries." "I don't know why I bother." "I really ought to find more time for reading." "Oh well, there you go." "You've got to admire him - he's got the violence of business down to a fine art." "Sorry, I forgot..." "The mighty mongol leader, Ghengis Khan, and his hordes of fearsome financial advisors" "swept through the stock exchanges of Europe clinching mighty business deals and wreaking havoc with the parity of the pound." "Yes, the man who was elected Chairman of Asian Warlords International was marked out amongst the world because of his curious grey green money," "his broad business acumen, his compelling fiscal ability, and also the fact that he could buy the daylights out of any of them." "Mr Prime Minister and Chief Fire Officer " "The latest figures, compared with those figures predicted for this period, are different by a third set of figures, which were predicted previously as being predictable by draconian figures." "Need I say more?" " No." " Yes, say 'draconian' again." "I shall:" "Draconian." "Mr Prime Minister and Chief Fire Officer," "I'd like to take this opportunity of denying in the most categorical terms that I never in the whole of my life ever had any form of relationship, and particularly not in a sexual way, and certainly not in a perverted way," "with any member of Her Majesty's Armed Forces, and particularly not one in the 59th Battalion of Guards, and anyway how could I have done last week, as I has a slight chill, and would a person of my standing have done so" "in Hyde Park in full view of the general public and the bit about the Alsation was completely untrue, and I was certainly not wearing pantyhose." "I think I'd like to have those last remarks struck from the record." "Bring back cutting up people up into little bits and putting them through black people's letter-boxes." "Fire!" "Fire!" "May I remind the honourable member and Divisional Fire Officer that all remarks made in cabinet must be addressed through the chair." " But this is rather important." " Out of order, out of order." "But there's a fire going on, there are probably people getting burnt!" "Out of order, out of order." "Out of order." "You must learn to address all your remarks through the chair." "All right, Prime Minister and Chief Officer, there's a fire." " Make him say 'draconian'." " What?" " Make him say 'draconian'!" "You've got to learn you know if you want to be in cabinet." " Alright, there's a draconian fire..." " And 'gerrymandering'." "There's a draconian fire with lots of gerrymandering." "Prime Minister, Chief Officer, draconian, gerrymandering," "I should like to point out there was no detectable quip in that last remark." "Quite right Min. of Ag." "FishandFireMaster, make your quip, M.P. and Divisional Fire Officer." "Alright, there's a draconian fire..." " Address the Chair!" " Get it right." "Prime Minister and Chief Officer, much as I admire draconian gerrymandering..." " Quip!" "...she was only the Parliamentary Undersecretary for State's daughter, but she goes like a rocket..." " Rubbish!" " Well, he liked it." " Oh well, carry on." "There's a fire and I suggest that as Members of the Government and firemen it is our duty to do something about it!" "Prime Minister and Chief Officer, may I say gerrymandering and with draconian emphasis, that my mother-in-law has a face like a million dollars " "a large S with two lines down the middle - hahaha, just like that, and furthermore that there was no detectable literary allusion in any of the previous speeches, and that puts me in mind of the late G.J. Whyte-Melville," "who wrote in his book 'Drink, Puppy, Drink'..." "'Drink, puppy, drink, and let every puppy drink'." "Well, that was jolly good, and I now declare this meeting closed." "Drop of sherry anyone?" "But what about the fire for Christ's sake, there's a fire going on..." "And so the fire engines didn't arrive, and the building was burnt to the ground." " I beg your pardon?" " I'm sorry?" "Why did you just say that about fire engines?" "Habit, I suppose, I used to be a linkman." "Oh, but you're not anymore?" "No no, I couldn't stand it, cooped up in a little box of a studio, linking one boring item to another, you know the sort of thing," ""And now we have blah blah blah blah"" "No I wanted to get out and see a bit of the world." "That wasn't supposed to be a link." "Yes, that's why I stopped doing voice overs." "Oh, I can understand that, yes." "I just wanted to do links for years and years just so that I could earn enough money to go out and find the link that I really wanted to do." "Well me too, I mean I've really been looking for the ultimate in voice overs." "Delighted to meet you, my name's Michael Edwards." " Mine's Kemp." "I expect that fire was started by one of my husband's two secretaries." "Oh, my husband's eight secretaries are always burning his offices down." "The place is a constant inferno." " My husband's twelve secretaries..." " You said he had two." "Ah yes, well, two just for burning things down, but the other ten are so obsessed with setting fire to things, he doesn't even allow them to come into the office." " What do they do then?" " What?" "Oh, er..." "I think he might go to bed with some of them." "My husband goes to bed with all his secretaries." "What, just the eight?" "No, he has a team of 23 different secretaries." "for going to bed with every night." "What?" "Just at night?" "Oh, my husband has his twelve secretaries even before he's even put spoon to grapefruit." "And during the day has 52 other people's secretaries." "And I've never even seen him at night." " He's unfaithful then?" " What?" "Isn't yours then?" " Unfaithful?" " Well is he?" "My husband is so unfaithful I haven't even seen him for five years." "Oh!" "I haven't even seen mine since the day we were married." "Mine didn't come to the wedding." "I've never even been to bed with my husband." "I've never even seen mine." "My husband doesn't even exist." "Never mind dear, you've got me..." "Oh, Trish, you're such a comfort..." " Oh darling, what a fire!" " Yes." "It must be hot in there." "I think they're about to do their own link into something." "Shall we see how they do it?" "Almost as hot as that hot day in August when we..." " Oh yes..." "Oh I think that was a bit contrived." "Darling, that was wonderful." "What do you mean?" "We didn't do anything." " No, the walk, silly." " Oh yes, the walk." "Darling, no, don't be so rough - they're so pretty." " What are?" " The peonies." "Look." "Isn't it pretty?" " What's this then?" " A peony." " Oh, you admit that then?" " Admit?" "But look officer..." "Don't try to flatter me, you won't get out of it that way." " Get out of what?" " Calm down!" " But what am I supposed to have done?" " Not you, 'er." "Her?" "You've taken away the personal property of another, viz, one peony." " But it's only a flower." " Well that, my lad, is theft, a felony punishable by up to thirty years imprisonment." "What do you mean, theft, felony?" "She just picked a flower." "Stole a flower." "Alright, we'll give it back then." "You can't lad." "It's severed." "Did you intend to put it back?" "Er... yes, alright, we did." "All right, just how would you do that sir?" "Ah, well...er..." "I thought I'd...er..." "Sellotape?" "Nail it back?" "A few well-placed rivets?" " Rivets?" " You couldn't, could you?" "Well, no, I suppose we couldn't." "Well, there you are then." "Mind you, if you'd taken the whole bush, we couldn't prove you didn't intend to put it back, could we?" "But this is ridiculous." "Look, I'll buy them a whole new bush." "Oh, don't try and be clever with us!" "Not yet, not yet." "Haven't you got anything better to do?" "Oh!" "We've got a difficult one here!" "Sergeant!" "Look mate would you like to come up to the station with us and be interviewed?" "Can be very nasty, being interviewed..." "Are you threatening violence?" "Right!" "Send for reinforcements!" "There's been a peony severance in Southwood Lane!" "Can we have reinforcements?" "Peony severance, mobilise all units." "Peony severance, mobilise all units." "Am proceeding in an Easterly direction along North End Avenue towards the scene of a severance on the west side of South End Lane." "I'm reclining in my seat at an angle of 65 degrees, and the siren is going "er er er er er er"" "at a level approximately fifteen decibels above the pain threshold." "Burst eardrums in Greencross Gardens, ambulance please." "Police car accident in Fordwych Road, can we have an ambulance?" "Ambulance accident in Haliburton Road, can we have a fire engine?" "Fire engine accident in Musgrove Road, send a police car, an ambulance, and, er, another police car." "Better call the army, this peony affair is getting out of hand." "The admiral wants this peony affair sorted out." "Better get the airforce in, navy can't deal with peonies!" "Launch the missiles, better safe than sorry." "Hold on, the world seems to be ending." "We are too late." "We are too late." "They have severed the peony." "They have severed the peony, they have severed the peony!" "Mission has failed, mission has failed." "Impossible to effect peony severance prevention." "Damned good maiden speech I thought there." "Yes, but I notice how he carefully avoided mentioning the issue of the presence of British troops in Mongolia." "I don't remember that." "Oh, yes you're right, it was a hydrangea." "Sorry darling." "My husband's hydrangeas..." "Oh shut up." "And so, back to us." "By the way, you never told me what you were doing on the roof of the train, before you climbed in through the window." "Oh yes." "I arrived there from the bridge." " Oh." "Why was that?" "Well there didn't seem to be a station where I wanted to get on." "Oh." "Anyway, this is where I must get off." "But there isn't a stop for another twenty minutes..." "I say, do you mind if I join you?" "Not at all." "After you." "I say, they just jumped off the train." " Yes..." "D'you know, that reminds me of that documentary we once saw on trains." "Oh yes..." "And so, outside each mighty British Rail train, a multiplicity of mighty planets, outside each multiplicity of mighty planets, a myriad of mighty star systems, outside each star system a multitude of mighty galaxies, and outside each galaxy, the rest of the mighty universe than."