"(funky disco plays) ¶ my name is cleveland brown ¶" "¶ and I am proud to be ¶" "¶ right back in my hometown ¶" "¶ with my new family ¶" "¶ there's old friends and new friends ¶" "¶ and even a bear ¶" "¶ through good times and bad times ¶" "¶ it's true love we share ¶" "¶ and so I found a place ¶" "¶ where everyone will know ¶" "¶ my happy mustached face ¶" "¶ this is the cleveland show. ¶" "Dinner!" "What's on tap, baby?" "Your favorite." "I usually have my "favorite" as a midnight snack." "Your bib's on the nightstand." "(moaning)" "Uhp." "Oh, I know I'm not looking at another plate of scallops." "Scallops?" "!" "Hooray!" "It's his favorite." "I figured that out" "Since we've had it ten times this month." "I'm gonna go toast up my favorite:" "Fish sticks and tater tots." "Honey, we're out of them." "We had some this morning." "What happened to 'em?" "Guilty!" "¶ fish sticks and tater tots and strawberry quik. ¶" "Donna:" "Dinner!" "Cleveland:" "What's on tap, baby?" "So, cleveland jr., are you all packed" "For your school trip to d.C.?" "I'm not going on that trip." "Not going?" "This is your chance to visit our nation's capital" "And see how white people created our country" "With no help from anybody else." "I'm not going." "Bye, shamu." "It's just that junior's never spent" "A night away from his parents." "Roberta, you going on that trip, aren't you?" "No way I'm babysitting." "Roberta, let me introduce you to some gentlemen of influence." "Mr. Andrew jackson and his twin brother," "Mr. Andrew jackson." "And a hemp-growing slave owner," "You know him as "the general,"" "Mr. George washington." "$41.00?" "$41 for keeping an eye on my boy." "$41.00." "Hey, junior, you ready to have a good time" "In washington with your big sister" "Looking out for you?" "Okay." "All right." "Come on up here, junior." "Daddy, watch out!" "Somebody put a lot of boogers" "Under your part of the table." "(clearing throat)" "Let's go, people." "I want fannies on the bus!" "Come on, fannies on the bus!" "(sighs)" "Come on, little brother." "Hey, cleveland, jr." "What?" "Get bitches, man." "(indistinct shouting) okay, zip it, lock it," "Put it in your pocket." "This is tim and arianna," "Raymond's mom and dad." "That's, uh, that's raymond, right back there." "Hello?" "Eh, you watch out, pretty girls." "He's, he's going to try to kiss your face." "Oh, that's a wonderful message, tim." "Because kissing girls is certainly" "Going to get him into princeton university." "They'll be your chaperones." "They have the power to give you demerits." "I will take back that power at the end of the trip." "But until then, you will treat them with respect." "Remember, no ipods, no carbonated beverages," "And one last rule." "Have..." "Fun!" "(bouncy jingle plays on tv)" "Announcer (on tv):" "The barf family" "Will return, on fox, after these messages." "Um, fast-forward." "What?" "Fast-forward through the commercial." "I'm not gonna fast-forward through the commercial." "Why not?" "That's why we got a dvr." "We got a dvr so we could record" "The programs we want to watch" "With the commercials." "Your generation needs to calm down." "Look, these ad men are doing" "All sorts of research on what we want to buy." "Then they're putting descriptions of the products" "On during the shows they know we're gonna watch." "They're going shopping for us!" ""fast-forward through the commercials."" "Fast-forward to your bedtime." "Announcer:" "Cascade, your husband..." "Wow!" "(indistinct shouting)" "Tim, why aren't you doing anything?" "They're going crazy back there." "It's like american pie four:" "Band camp." "(sighs)" "May I have your attention, please... (thuds, groans)" "Oh, so sorry about that." "But hey, you know, now, now you look like" "A, a very pretty edward james olmos, ha." "Yes, you see what you made me do?" "You made me make a freak out of that girl." "I brought daniel boone hats to wear for the bus ride." "Sounds like fun." "It is fun!" "(funk music plays)" "(whispers):" "There's oliver wilkerson." "They say there ain't a sport he hasn't lettered in," "Or a girl who hasn't let him in." "Give me your seats." "Why was I whispering?" "He's deaf." "But I want to sit close to my sister." "It's not right to separate a family." "Tell him, roberta." "He's not my real brother." "His dad married my mom." "Nobody asked my permission." "Well, well, well-- the plot thickens." "(laughter)" "Out of my chair, fatso." "Rallo, be nice." "Well, I'm tired of him picking the menu," "Eating my fish sticks," "Sitting where I used to sit," "Running around like he owns the place." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Is your name on the mortgage of this house?" "No." "Is yours?" "No, but that's just a matter of paperwork." "I have an appointment with len stein later this week." "Oh, he called back?" "Yeah, I made us an appointment" "At 10:30 on Thursday." "I got to work on Thursday." "Oh." "You know what I'll do?" "I'll get len to overnight us the signature copies." "Hold on." "Len?" "Hey, cleveland brown here." "Cleveland brown?" "Donna tubbs' new husband." "Yeah." "How you doing?" "Listen, donna won't be able to make it on Thursday," "So we were hoping you could send us the signature pages" "Of the inter-spousal transfer of title form." "I'm assuming they need a real signature and not a faxed copy?" "Right, yeah." "Um, could you just send them" "To us here at the house?" "Yeah, that way we'll sign them" "And I'll just make our file copies at kinkos." "Hey, and while I'm there," "I'll just overnight it right back to you." "Great!" "Thanks, len!" "Ask me Thursday at noon if my name's on the mortgage." "So I'm getting undressed," "Thinking he's running the bath for me," "Only to walk in and see his big ol' butt" "Stepping into the tub." "And believe me, it was not a good angle." "(grunts)" "Did you even get a bath?" "Hell no!" "We was out of hot water." "I had to take a whore's bath at the sink." "Oh, but I am clean, m-most definitely clean." "Sounds like he's not respecting your position in the family." "I'm the man of that house." "So what are you gonna do, rallo?" "I'm gonna hit him where it hurts:" "The dong." "(vocalizes dramatic sting)" "(buzzing)" "Oh, there it is." "Mm." "Move your black crack, jack." "Cleveland!" "Rallo had a nightmare." "I'm far too scared to sleep alone." "You can sleep with us tonight." "There's no room." "Trust me, there's room" "For three in this bed." "What?" "!" "Uh, uh, I said there's room for "clee" in this bed." "You don't call me "clee."" "Sure, I do." "I love you, clee." "Aw, I love you, too, dahn." "Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm" "(grumbles):" "'nuff of this damn..." "Ha!" "Good night, chump." "(yawning)" "Oh, look who's sitting at his spot" "At the head of the table." "(grumbling)" "Sleep well?" "I did." "Like a baby." "Like a baby nestled against his mother's bosom." "I should be the bosom-nestler!" "Mmm!" "This danish is good!" "Check out my tower of power!" "Derek:" "Your junk is monumental." "(all laughing) look at him." "Tim, they're using the washington monument" "Now as their wang." "Go stop them." "Okay, okay." "No." "What?" "No, I'm not going to tell them to stop." "They're just kids having fun like we used to have." "Oh, what happened to us?" "What happened to the free spirit I fell in love with" "Who, who used to zip around town on her vespa" "Like a giant audrey hepburn?" "You're right." "I've become a nag." "A horrible, whining, repetitive nag." "Th-th-that's all I'm saying." "We-we, we, we need to do something crazy." "We need a game-changer, tonight!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Let's get tattoos" "And eat falafel!" "Oh, arianna, where have you been?" "Right in front of you." "(pleasurable moaning)" "Oliver:" "Wow, everybody's hookin' up on this trip." "Oh, is this yours?" "I'm gonna need a closer look." "Oh, man." "You wouldn't believe the horrifying" "And terrifying nightmare I had." "Another nightmare?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, you poor thing." "Don't you see he's just tricking you into babying him?" "Cleveland, he's a little boy." "Let him get used to our new family." "But he doesn't need to sleep in our bed." "That's where we do things to each other." "Dirty things." "Disrespectful things." "Things that make it hard for me" "To look you in the eye the next day." "Your sweet talk is not going to work on me tonight." "Rallo:" "Mama, I'm cold." "Come back to bed." "Cleveland, he's five." "Exactly." "Let's just go for it." "He won't know what we're doing." "He'll think we're wrestling." "Doggy wrestling." "(ernie snoring, muffled bass beats)" "¶ ¶" "(laughter)" "(laughing):" "Sweet jammies." "Thanks." "They're also flame retardant." "Excuse me, roberta?" "What do you want?" "I need you to do me a favor." "Um, check under my bed for... (clearing throat) monsters." "Cleveland jr., get out of here." "You're too old to be believing in monsters." "Well, I know that intellectually," "But phobias are not always rational." "That's what makes them so" "(roaring) (screaming)" "(all laughing)" "Cleveland, can you dry this for me?" "Why don't you have your boyfriend rallo do it?" "Please, cleveland." "He's my son and he's adjusting as best he can." "But we promised in our wedding vows" "That we would have sex every night." "What?" "No-no, we didn't." "It was implied." "Look, I'm serious." "Donna, this has been going on too long." "I'm your husband." "All right, all right." "Fine." "I'll talk to him tonight." "Good." "Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation." "Oh, this is gonna be good." "Hey, what's that awful smell?" "Oh, it's on my little hand-things." "Is that-- oh, gross." "Oh, now why would I land on a steaming pile of" "All right, here's your pizza, your banana split" "And your milkshake, served with a crazy straw" "And a crazy napkin" "Designed by our crazy chef, nick nolte." "(muttering)" "You know what, mama?" "The more time I spend with you, the more I like you." "You can't say that about most women." "Rallo, baby, there's something we need to talk about." "I love you, but mama's married now." "And a husband and a wife have a room with their bed," "And a child has a room with his bed." "Oh, so all of a sudden I'm a "child"?" "No, you're a young man, and a young man" "Don't you patronize me, lady." "Rallo, please." "People are beginning to stare." "Well, let's give them something to stare at." "This woman broke my heart!" "Excuse me, I'm taking a child psychology course" "At the community college." "Maybe I can help you guys work this out?" "You can try." "(loud slaps)" "Listen to your mother!" "Okay, that'll be two tokens." "Send a woman to do your dirty work." "How do you sleep at night?" "Butt naked, next to your mama." "(high-pitched laugh)" "I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night." "Nothing exciting has ever happened in a d.C. Hotel." "Didn't marion barry get caught smoking crack at a d.C. Hotel?" "Okay, yeah, but besides that." "Didn't reagan get shot at a d.C. Hotel?" "Besides that." "Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that." "I know." "I know." "And didn't elliot spitzer...?" "Okay, whatever." "The point is, we need to go out and find a party." "Hey, guys, I got an idea." "We need to go out to find a party." "Yo, oliver's right." "There are so many bomb spots out there" "Where I could get the crowd jumpin' with my demo." "There's a fat beat on top of it." "I'm going, like" "(imitating beat box):" ""ooh, yeah, ooh, ooh." "Ooh, yeah, ooh, ooh."" "Then I go "federline-federline jones."" "It's hot, y'all." "Peace." "Shh, shh, shh." "Our marriage no longer feels like a death sentence!" "(footsteps)" "Where's roberta?" "Last I saw, she was with federline at this party." "He played his demo and they beat the crap out of him." "Mr. Tim, uh, sorry to wake you," "But I think roberta might be in trouble." "Hello?" "Is anybody there?" "Tim:" "Oh, yes." "Oh, tim, you're so naughty." "Oh, yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "That tickles." "Oh, yes, tim!" "Oh, yes!" "(both roaring)" "(siren wailing)" "Which direction is the club roberta's at?" "Donna, guess what's wearing my watch." "Hope it's waterproof." "(both laughing)" "Uh..." "Oh... (screaming)" "Ow, ow, oh, oh!" "Rallo!" "Ow, oh, ow!" "(sobbing)" "Oh, baby." "Mama's so sorry." "It's his fault." "He made me break my leg." "And he ate my tater tots, and my fish sticks." "And he sat in my chair." "And he called me the n-word." "Wha" " I'm allowed to, right?" "I usually make a left to go to the bathroom" "When I'm in your room, but I was in my room" "Where it was all dark and scary and I got turned around." "I didn't know which way to go." "We're so sorry." "Aren't we, cleveland?" "Oh, why?" "'cause he doesn't know his left from his right?" "What's wrong with you?" "My loins ache." "I'm so sorry, rallo." "You can sleep in our bed as long as you need to." "What?" "!" "Aw, man, this kid is worse than people who don't recycle." "Hi." "I'm cleveland brown, reminding you to recycle." "It's great for the environment, and it only takes a second." "Aw, it's wet." "Is that milk?" "Aw, it's beer." "Aw, aw, this whole bag stinks." "Aw, you know what, (bleep) this." "It's all trash to me." "Y'all recycle." "I'm gonna go wash my damn hands." "Drugs here." "Get your drugs here." "Ice cold drugs." "(deep male voice):" "You boys wanna party?" "What, like a pizza party?" "Let me rephrase that." "You wanna see my vageenis?" "No, thank you." "But do you know where this club is?" "Yeah, baby." "Go to the end of this street, then two blocks to the right." "If you pass the corpse in the alley, you've gone too far." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you, ma'am." "(lively party sounds)" "How would you like to be seen by two million people?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Take off your shirt." "What?" "!" "Come on, we'll give you a free hat." "(cheering)" "No" " I don't think-- I'm not-- uh..." "Cleveland jr.:" "You wanna see a pair of boobs?" "Check these out." "Check out the fat chick." "Roberta, I'm here to rescue you," "Like luke did for his sister, princess leia, in star wars." "And like anakin did for padme" "In star wars, episode two:" "Attack of the clones," "Which unlike the three original films," "Did not seem to take place in an authentic environment." "You came to save me." "Thank you, little brother." "But how are we gonna get out of here?" "Like this." "That's right." "I'm a boy." "(screeching)" "All I want is to sleep in the same bed as my wife." "But it's not just about the bedroom, rallo." "I married your mother because I love her very much," "And we are now trying to build a new life for all of us." "So, what do you say?" "No." "What?" "!" "But I'm offering you the head of the table," "The newspaper-- I said no." "The remote, the first bath" "I love her, too." "And she's mine." "And where I come from, you don't share a woman." "Rallo, you're not being" "Look, old man, I broke one leg to get what I want." "Don't think I won't break another one." "Oh." "You-you broke your leg on purpose?" "You-- you're crazy!" "(gasps)" "What are we gonna read tonight, sugar?" "How about thomas the tank engine?" "I'm sorry, baby, mama's not feeling too good." "I'm going to sleep." "Good night, cleveland." "Aw, sir thomas, she's laying here with me," "But she's thinking about him." "I don't mind torturing old brown," "But I cannot bear to see my mama in pain." "Well, as kobe bryant once said," ""I have overstayed my welcome in this bed."" "(snoring)" "Hey, old man, we need to talk." "Wake up!" "(screams)" "What the...?" "!" "I'll take that deal if it's still on the tab" "Donna:" "Oh, clee!" "Oh, dahn!" "The crown is heavy, but somebody's gotta wear it." "Yeah, you got a fish stick and a remote control." "Have fun living with that pin in your leg" "For the rest of your life."