"Britain, Britain, Britainl" "Population: one millions." "Number of towns: nine." "Average height: thirty." "Shoe sizel But just who are Britain?" "Over the next eleventeen weeks, we aim to find out by following the lives of ordinary British folk." "What do they?" "Who is they?" "And why?" "British justice is the best in the world." "Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental." "Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting." "On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went into the Erkskine branch of Superdrug." "Once there, you attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull by concealing them in your leggings." "In the face of the overwhelming evidence we've heard against you, you still plead not guilty?" "No but, yeah but, what happened was this thing I don't know nothin' about." "Shut up!" "I wasn't supposed to be near there." "Then Meredith came over and stirred it up and called me these things." "Right... but you admit you were in Superdrug?" "No but, yeah but, no, 'cause of this whole other thing that Meredith says weren't a thing, but don't listen 'cause she's a complete slag." "Meredith?" "Who is Meredith?" "The one who done that thing, but if she gives you sweets don't eat 'em 'cause she's dirty." "Thing?" "What thing?" "Yeah, I know." "And anyway there was this whole other thing I didn't even know about or nothin'" "Liberty told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink." "I was on the phone to Jules, but don't listen to her." "She had a baby and didn't tell anyone." "Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time?" "No!" "But, yeah but, no but, yeah but... no but, yeah but, no 'cause I wasn't even with Amber." " Amber?" "Who's Amber?" " Yeah, exactly!" "I don't even know who she is." " Vicky, I don't think you realise..." " No, but there's this other thing, right..." " If you're found guilty..." " You can't say that, right..." " I'm allergic to cat hair." " Are you going to keep interrupting me?" "!" " No, I'm not." "I'm gonna let you speak." " Good." " Now, we've heard from..." " Oh, my God!" "Right..." " I give up!" " Craig felt up Amy at Alton Towers." "Her mum totally had an eppy, but then Dean went on the Mary Rose and was sick on Louise's head." " Does the defence have anything to say?" " Yes, M'L ord." "Vicky, have you got my purse?" "It's a quarter past Gillian, and the Aberdoone Stook Hoose in Scotchland is serving dinner." " Would you pass me another breadstick, love?" " There you go, dear." "Lovely soup, isn't it?" "Very tangy." "I'd love to know what they put in it." "I hear ye talkin' aboot ma soups!" " You must be the chef." " Maybe I am and maybe I'm not!" "(FOLK TUNE)" " Well, eh, are you?" " Ye-e-es!" "My wife, Morag, and myself were complimenting your broth." "We'd love to make it at home." "You'd like to know ma secrets, would you?" " Well, yes." " Have you ever heard of a thing called butter?" " Well, yes." " Gold in colour and slippery to the touch." "Yes, eh... butter." " Anything else?" " Ye-e-es!" " Are you going to tell us?" " Ye-e-es!" "Have you ever heard the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistooken for a vegetable?" " Oh, the tomato." " Red in colour and fleshy within." "But beware of the pips!" "They call it the tom-ato!" " The tomato." " Ye-e-es!" " Anything else?" " Ye-e-es!" "Well?" "Have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow?" "Yes, I do believe I've heard of a cow." "Ah, but did you know the cow secretes a liquor from its udder?" "Yes!" "Milk!" "Oh." "Em... (FEEBLE FLOURISH)" " Well, thank you very much." " Have you ever heard..." " Of what?" " Salt!" "(A COUNTRY JIG)" "Yes, we're familiar with salt." "Ah!" "You fell into my trap, for I speak of the foe of salt!" " Pepper (!" ")" " You know too much!" "So it's butter, tomato, milk, salt and pepper?" "Do you use a vegetable stock with that?" " Ye-e-es!" " Is that it?" "Ye-e-es!" "Well, thank you very much." "So, Morag..." "Ye know too much!" "Ye know too much!" "Ye know too much!" "So, any..." " Morag, you were telling me about..." " I'll leave ye with a riddle!" "I'm hard, yet soft." "I'm coloured, yet clear." "I'm fruity and sweet, I am jelly - what am I?" " Jelly." " Muse upon it further." "I shall return." " It's jelly, though, isn't it?" " Ye-e-es!" "Oh, yes, you're very tense, aren't you, Jonathan?" "I think the thing to do is to try and think of something relaxing." "When I want to relax, I like to think of a herd of marauding buffalo, trampling through a village." "The villagers are fleeing." "Perhaps one or two of them are caught in the melee." "You still seem very tense." "We continue our journey in Merkin, a happy town just north of Troot." "It's midday, and rubbish transvestite Emily Howard is paying a visit to his local swimming pool." "Ahem!" "Ah-he-hem!" "First things first." "I am a lady and I would like a ladies' swim, please." "Er, yeah." "Men, women, whatever." "It's L2.60." "That's right." "A ladies' swim." "Oh, where's my purse?" "It's in my ladies' handbag that I bought from a ladies' shop." "From a lady." "These coins are so heavy!" "Of course, you wouldn't notice, being a man." "Heaven knows what that is like!" "I do not." "How could I?" "I'm a lady!" "Tell me, is there a poo-el reserved for womenfolk?" " No, there's just one pool." "It's mixed." " No!" "Really?" "Mm-hm-hm!" "Mm-hm-hm!" "Mm-hm-hm!" "Yeah, there is a "ladies only" swim night." "On Tuesday nights." " Tuesday nights you say?" " Yeah." "So you can't come then." "No, you're right." "I can't come then." "I'm doing ladies' things that night, that ladies do." "Because that's what I am." "A lady!" "Ooh!" "I've dropped my lace handkerchief on the floor." "(HE SIGHS)" " There you are, mate." " I bet you wonder what the initials stand for." "E.H. - it's Emily." "Emily Howard." "I have a lady's name because that's what I am." "A lady." " Yeah." "The pool's that way." " Thank you." "Where are the changing rooms?" "The men's changing rooms are just over there." "Oh, so you have changing rooms for men." "Very good." "And the ladies?" "Well, the ladies' change - which is for ladies only - is right next door." "Merci, monsieur!" "So men can't go in there!" "They get thrown out!" "I should hope so!" "Thank you." "I've found it." "Ooh!" "Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops." "This isn't a toy shop." "It's a real shop." "Hello!" "Looking for anything in particular?" "Yes, do you have any pirate memory games suitable for children between 4 and 8?" "Eh, I'll just have a look." "I can't see any here." "One moment." "Margaret?" "Margaret?" " Yes?" " A gentleman here wants pirate memory games." " Ages 4..." " Ages 4 to 8." "We should have some, up by the farm toys." "Oh, yes." "Here we are." "Pieces of Eight." "A pirate memory game." "Ages 4 to 8." " Can I have a look?" " There you go." ""Match the pirates and find the treasure."" "That all right for you?" "Have you got any other pirate memory games?" " Em..." " It's not quite what I had in mind." "I can't see any here." "One moment." " Margaret?" "Margaret?" " What?" " Have we got any other pirate memory games?" " What?" " Have we got any other pirate memory games?" " No!" " That's the only one." "What's wrong with that?" " That's the only one." "What's wrong with that?" " I wanted something a little less pirate-y." " He wanted something a little less pirate-y!" " Has he tried Simmons?" " Have you tried Simmons?" " Yes, I've just been there." " I don't know what to suggest." "Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games?" "Er, I'm not sure." "Margaret'll know." "One moment." "Margaret?" "Margaret?" "Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games?" " Near here." " I don't think there are any in the local area!" "She doesn't think there are any in the local area." "OK, I'll..." "I'll just wait." "10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister." "The Prime Minister is, like, this guy who is, like, in charge of, like, the whole country." "So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the minister's resignation." " I'll take a few questions." " Boyd Hilton, "Smash Hits"." "Prime Minister, do you admit the Foreign Secretary lied to the House?" " I've answered that question already." "Next." " Greg Davis, "Puzzler"." " Have you appointed a replacement?" " We'll make an announcement shortly." "Angus Thomas, "Kerrang!"." "Who's next to go from your Cabinet?" "There will be no more resignations." "Roy Sloan, "Whizzer and Chips"." "Have you lost your strongest ally?" "There is no rift in the Cabinet." " Andrew Jarman, "Dinosaur Magazine"." " Sorry, I don't know that one." "It's new." "You get a free binder with Part One." "You collect it over 24 weeks." "It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs." "Oh, yes?" "Go ahead." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I've forgotten the question." "Roger Wakeley, "Asian Babes"." "Given your support of yet another disgraced minister, hasn't your position become untenable?" " Certainly not." "One more question." " George Paxton, "Daily Telegraph"." "Who's your favourite member of Westlife?" "Yes, a lot of stress knots in your ear." "Imagine a gang of children throwing stones at a pensioner." "He is weeping softly as they lift him and put him into a wheelie bin." "The wheelie bin is being pushed down a hill now and the children have let go." "It's careering towards a busy road." "Relax." "(WHISTLING CHEERFULLY)" "If there's one thing that brings this country down, it's fat people." "They're heavy, they're rude and in summer they smell." "I know." "Well, they're all the same." "Yeah." "I'd better go." "I've got my fat people round." "All right." "OK, bye." "OK, sorry about that." "So, welcome to "FatFighters"." "I've been looking forward to finding out how we're all doing in our fight against the flab." "So let's start by going round the circle." "Paul." "Hello, I'm Paul." "I'm three stone off my target weight." "I'm Pat." "I'm five stones and one pound off my target weight." "My name is Meera and I am one stone off my target weight." "And I am Marjorie and I am my target weight." "OK, so it's a special day today at "FatFighters"" "because we have a new member!" "He is a new member." "His name is Christopher Halliday." "He's just turned 13 and he's got a little bit of a problem with food." "Now, we're all friends here at "FatFighters"" "and I've promised his mum we're all going to be extra special nice to him." " Hello!" " So, Chris I hear they bully you at school." "What do they say, Chris?" "What do they call you?" " Fatty." " Fatty?" "Oh, that's awful." " Not Fatty Bum Bum?" " No." "They don't go, "Ooh, Fatty Bum Bum"?" "No, just Fatty." "The Incredible Bulk?" "Piggy?" "Pigs In Space!" " No." " No." "Oh!" "Chubby Checker?" "Fat Greedy Boy?" " Cracker!" " No." " They don't ALL make fun of me, you know." " No, but... the other ones will be thinking it." "So, what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of this excess weight?" "Paul?" " Eat sensibly." " That's rich coming from you." "Anyone else?" " Don't eat too much chocolate." " What?" "Chocolate's the only friend he's got!" " Meera?" " Exercise." " What?" " Exercise." " Do it again." " Exercise." " Do it again." " Exercise!" " One more?" " Exercise!" "No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris." "Getting some exercise." "That reminds me." "A lot of hidden calories in curry." "But exercise." "Anything, really - football, jogging, football." "I do 10 minutes of step aerobics every month and that's why I'm so thin." " You're not thin." "You're fat." " I'm sorry?" " He said you're fat." " I heard what he said!" "No name-calling here!" "Ooh!" "That hurt." "That really did hurt." "Ooh!" "Oh." "Oh..." "No, it should be there." "I know you're new, Christopher, but that's not how we do things at "FatFighters", all right?" "Right, we'll..." "We'll move on." "We'll put it behind us." "Our presentation topic today - Legal  Illegal Foods." "Chrissy, want to give me a hand with the board?" "You ever do anything like that again, I'm gonna kill your mum." "Back at 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is meeting one of his aides." " Have the results of the opinion poll come?" " I've got them right here, Prime Minister." "What sort of things are people saying?" "Very happy with your work on Northern Ireland, strong approval on health service reforms and they'd like to see you in shorts." " Shorts?" " Yeah." "A pair of cycling shorts or something." " Oh." " They like your tough stance on crime." "And they like it when your hair's a bit wet, 'cause you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister." " They'd like to see you wrestle a man." " I'm sorry?" "Bosnia good, education could do better, wrestling men I've covered..." " Can I have a look at them?" " Yeah, just right here." "Now, Railtrack." "Oh, you've got an eyelash." "Stay still." "Make a wish!" "Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner." "We're running very late." "Change here." " Thank you, darling." " Have you seen my earrings?" "I don't know." "Which ones?" "You do know Sebastian?" " Hello, Sebastian." " Hi (!" ")" " Sorry." "We're having a meeting here!" " Have you tried the bathroom?" "Now, don't be long." " See you later, darling." " I'm not going." " I was talking to my wife." " Bye, Sebastian." "Whatever (!" ")" "So, anyway, um..." "Oh, God!" "I've completely forgotten what I was gonna say!" " Thanks for coming in." "I should get changed." " Yes, of course." "Of course." " And you'll speak to the Foreign Secretary?" " I'll get straight onto it, Prime Minister." "Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday because it's quite... big?" " Yes, Sebastian." "Now, if you don't mind..." " Quick, Prime Minister!" "Get down!" " What's going on?" " I thought there was a sniper." " Where?" " By the window, but there isn't." "Can we get up now?" "Give it a minute." "Darling, isn't it time you got rid of Sebastian?" "It's late noon in Britain's capital city." "Come on." "We'll give you half-price." "Theatrical agent Jeremy Rent receives a visit from one of his clients." " Dennis Waterman's arrived." " Excellent news." "Send him in." " Hello!" " Dennis!" "Lovely to see you, dear heart." "Do take a seat." "How does this grab you?" "Comedy drama, Granada." "June, July, maybe August." "Depends." "It's a lead." "You play John, escaped convict." "He's on the run, he wins the Lottery." " Lucky Runnings." "Miriam Margolyes..." " The fat one?" " Yes." " I like her." " Pete Davison." " Off the telly?" "!" "Les Grantham, Ru Madoc, Dave Yip." "It's a nice one, Den." "The scripts are good." " Ooh, they're heavy!" " And the money's great." "That's nice." "So they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?" "No, I think they just want you to be in it." "Someone else is writing it, but I'll sing it?" "No, they seem to have that one all sorted out." "Now, why don't I give them a ring and we can let them know that you've had the..." "You all right, Dennis?" " Not doing it!" " Why not?" "Don't want to." "It's rubbish." "Scripts are stoo-pid!" "You haven't even read them yet!" "Dennis?" "# I'm an escaped convict on the ru-un Da-da-da-da-da-da" "# I've won the Lottery and I'm having fun Do-do-do-do" "# I'm running much too fast Can't escape from the past" "# I'd be so good for Lucky Runnings!" "#" "Dennis, this insistence of yours on always writing and singing the theme tune really isn't doing you any favours." "So give up acting and concentrate on singing?" "No!" "Dennis!" "You could have been in the new Indiana Jones film!" "As his brother!" "You know who that part went to?" "Ralph Fiennes." " He's no singer!" " (PHONE RINGS)" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "It's the Indiana Jones people." "Really?" "Ralph Fiennes has been decapitated in a stunt!" "Yes, Dennis IS still available." " Let me speak to them!" " He's right here." "I'll just pass you over." "Hello?" "Yes, I'm fine." "# I am Indiana Jones's brother, da-da-da... #" "Hello?" "Working-class people in Britain are stored in buildings like these." " Is that you, Gary?" " I brought a mate." "Jason, my sister Julie." " Hello." " This is me mum." " How do you do?" " And this is my nan." "Hell-o!" "(ROMANTIC MUSIC)" "I'll put the kettle on, shall I?" "So..." "Nan, you smell nice." "What is it?" " Murray Mints." " Haven't seen you around." " Where do you normally hang out?" " The day centre." "Must check it out." " Anyone told you you've got beautiful teeth?" " They're not mine!" " Maureen?" " Yes, Mum?" " Will you take me to the loo?" " I'm just making the tea, Mum." " Julie, take your nan to the toilet." " It's OK!" "I'll do it." "Up we get." "Oh, sorry." "I thought that was your elbow." "Yes, I've just found some stress knots here in the perineum which I'm going to work on." "And, tell you what, why don't you have a little nap?" "I'll sing you a lullaby as you drift off." "# Go to sleep" "# Go-o to sleep" "# Go-o to slee-eep" "# GO to sleep!" "# GO TO SLEEP!" "Jonathan, are you asleep?" "Meanwhile, in the small Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi lies this charming little pub." "With its original slate roof and delightful period features, it truly is a joy to behold." "Ah, look at that." "It really is a beauty." "It's what Britain's all about." " Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, Myfanwy?" " Coming right up." " Bloody hell, Myfanwy, I'm so down." " Why is that, Daffyd?" "I'm the only gay in this village." "I dream of the day I can meet other gays who know what it's like." "I was going to tell you." "I was talking to old Ma Evans and she's taken in a lodger from Cardiff." "And guess what - he is a gay!" "I don't think so!" "No, apparently he is." "I told old Ma Evans to send him over here so you can meet him." "I'll be very surprised if he is a gay." "Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village." "This must be him." "Hiya!" "Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please?" " What an effeminate drink!" " Oh, you must be Daffyd!" "There you are." "I'll..." "leave you boys to it." "It's such a shame I am the only gay in this village." " Oh, I'm a gay." " I don't think so!" "No, I bloody am, you know." "Old Ma Evans said you were the only gay in this village." "Now you're not." "Now there's two of us." "All right, if you're a gay, who played Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"?" " (BOTH) Judy Garland." " How did you know?" "!" " It's easy." "Everyone knows that." " Right, this'll sort the gays from the not gays." "Who is the gay character in "Are You Being Served?"?" " (ALL) Mr Humphries!" " Was it?" "That's very subtle, then." "I always thought it was Captain Peacock." "He has the moustache." "I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay." "No, you're probably just a little bit poofy!" " I am a gay!" "I've had sex with men!" " More than you've had, Daffyd." "Shut up, Myfanwy!" "I am the only gay man in this village!" " Well, maybe I should go." " Yes!" "We have one gay." "We don't need another." "Well, goodbye, then." "Daffyd Thomas, you stupid man!" "You could have had a bit of cock there!" ""I am the only gay man in this village" (!" ") You're full of shit, you!" "That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude I've come to expect in this village!" "Good day!" "Ian?" "We're gonna need another box." "If you have enjoyed this programme, there is a fact sheet available which accompanies the series, containing recipes from the show, quizzes, knitting patterns and pornographic pictures I've drawn of myself." "Goodbinel"