"Buy an extra paper!" "Buy a paper!" "Big advance..." "But I've told you!" "We have many many more women than we can possibly use!" "I'd only be too glad to give you work" "You can't make me believe, sir, that in a big war like this, you can't possibly find something for me to do?" "You've tried the hospitals I suppose?" "That I have, Mister." "Hospitals, nursing, bandaging, munitions everything!" "They all say the same thing." "You're too old!" "I'm not too old!" "As a charwoman, I can outscrub any lady of my profession in London!" "I'm not as old as you are, judging by appearances!" "You're working for your country!" "You could knit for a soldier?" "Everybody's knitting things!" "I want to do something different!" "Something more, more..." "Why, I could scrub floors here, and then you could spare another man to go to France, and I'd be doing my bit!" "It's a wonderful spirit you old ladies are showing!" "If there were more like you, the war would be over much sooner!" "You women, you mothers, do more than your share, when you give your sons to your country!" "But... but I haven't got a son..." "I haven't... anybody." "It'll be all over in three months, the spirit our boys are showing!" "Well what about the women?" "They're doing their bit, ain't they?" "And what about the nurses?" "And the ambulance drivers too!" "And what about us war mothers?" "What about us?" "My son's at the front, what a fine boy he is!" "My boy is out there too!" "Any particular regiment you're looking for?" "The Canadian Black Watch." "I'll take it!" "Give me this one, it has a better sparkle!" "I'll take a flag too!" "You're quite right, Mrs Twymley!" "Our troops' progress is quite progressive!" "It's more than that Mrs Mickelham, it's miraculous and astonishing!" "Look, here's where we was last May, and now they've gone right up past 'Wypers'!" "The French is 'Yee-pris'!" "The Belgian is 'Wypers'!" "But we won't argue!" "My son Percy writes me, the fuss he's making is blooming lively for the Huns!" "Yes, and my son Alfie informs me, that the Royal Horse Artillery ain't asleep, neither!" "We ought to be in Berlin by Christmas!" "Oh, before Christmas, if my son's regiment, the Black Watch, has anything to do with it!" "Black Watch!" "There it goes again!" "Before you moved into our neighbourhood, Mrs Dowey, we was hardly aware the kilties were fighting in this war!" "But we'll take your word for it!" "I used to be a lily on the Sunday!" "Now I'm nothing but a little faded flower!" "Tired!" "Me with..." "Oh well, I'm thankful today's over!" "I'd give something for a nice cup of tea!" "I'm sure I would too!" "How about a dish with me, ladies?" "I've heard of worse ideas, Mrs Dowey!" "What do you say, Mrs Twymley?" "Yes!" "I always say, no more than my poor husband would too if he was alive, that there's nothing better about 5 o'clock, than a nice cup of tea!" "Here all, here all, good wage in the East End!" "Meat!" "meat!" "eggs!" "meat!" "Oh, here all!" "Black water, black fine water, 3/2!" "Water, 3/2!" "We can now get watercress I see!" "Oh, it'd be lovely!" "Fine watercress!" "The pinch, the punch, tuppence a bunch and all three pound then lady, how many?" "Half a can's worth?" "Stop your chatting!" "Are they fresh?" "Fresh lady, I got them this morning down Covent Garden market" "There's that Haggerty woman!" "Let's be a going before she smells the tea party!" "She smells a mile off with that long nose of hers!" "There'll be no getting rid of her then!" "Hello, ladies!" "Hello." "Hello!" "Buying watercress I see" "Ain't she observant?" "I've just had me fortune told by a weighing machine!" "It says I'm going on a long, long, journey, it says." "You don't say so?" "That's the best of the news I've heard since the spring advancement!" "Come along, Mrs Dowey!" "Watercresses, ladies?" "Eh, not today, thank you!" "The idea!" "You'd think she'd know her place!" "Working in a fish shop!" "But she has a son at the front!" "She may have a son at the front, just the same she always smells like a bloater!" "I'd like to tell you what me son writes me from the war, ladies!" "Won't that be nice?" "It would be better if you told us inside!" "You know Mrs Dowey I ain't never set foot in your home, since you come to live in Friday street!" "Oh what a horrible smell!" "Oh it ain't me ladies, it's the apron!" "The open air's the place for that!" "Oh well I'll hang it on the railings!" "Make yourselves at home, ladies!" "Shall I lay the table, Mrs Dowey?" "Yes, do!" "You'll find the things over there!" "I'll fix the watercress!" "Thank you." "You'll find a pot of raspberry jam there too!" "Oh I love raspberry jam, and a thick slice of bread!" "Sugar?" "One's my ration." "Quite enough for anybody, these days!" "My son writes me, they have more sugar in the army than they could eat!" "My son Percy writes me quite a different story, and he's never told me a lie ever since I knowed him!" "What does your son Kenneth write to you on the subject, Mrs Dowey?" "Oh, my Kenneth... he doesn't concern himself with small things like that." "The Black Watch have their problems above sugar!" "I say it is so, what my son Percy writes!" "I say it may be so." "I suppose I ought to know." "Neither has a son a prisoner in Germany!" "Being the only lady present that has that proud misfortune..." "My son is fighting in France!" "Mine wounded in two places!" "Mine's in 'Saloneiki'!" "Oh, you'll excuse me Mrs Haggerty, but the correct pronunciation of that, is Saloniki!" "I don't think so!" "And I speak as one who has War Savings Certificates." "We all have 'em!" "It's a terrible war!" "It is!" "What I say is, the men is splendid, but I'm none so easy about the staff..." "That's your weak point, Mrs Mickelham." "You may take it from me the staff's alright!" "Very relieved I am to hear you say it!" "I say that word is 'Salo-ne-iki'!" "Let's change the subject." "Have you seen this week's fashions yet?" "No!" "The gabardine with the accordion pleat is quite worn out!" "Mercy!" "I dare say so!" "Lady Dolly Cannister was seen conversing across the railings in a dainty blue" "She married Colonel The Honourable Chingford." "Suds, they called him at Eton." "Very likely, he will be sent to Salo-ne-iki too!" "Wherever he's sent to, she'll have the same tremors as us!" "She'll be just as keen to get them letters wrote with pencil, as you or me." "Them pencil letters!" "And as women in enemy land, get their pencil letters too..." "And then... stop getting them, the same as ourselves..." "Let's occasionally think of that!" "I ask you!" "That's awful language Mrs Dowey!" "Oh, kindly excuse..." "I swear to death, I'm not one of your pacifists!" "Freely granted." "I've heard of females that having no menfolk in the war, it makes them say such things, I've heard of them!" "But I don't mix with them." "What should we have to say to the likes of them?" "It's not their war!" "They're to be pitied!" "The place for them, Mrs Dowey, is within doors with the blinds down!" "That's the place for them!" "I had a letter from my son Percy yesterday..." "Alfie sent me his photo!" "Letters from Salo-ne-iki is that common!" "Kenneth writes to me every week!" "Look at these!" "All him." "Alfie has little time for writing, being a bombardier!" "Do your letters begin, "Dear Mother"?" "Generally" "Invariable" "Every time!" "Kenneth's begin "Dearest mother"!" "A short man I should say, judging by yourself." "He's six foot two and a half!" "A kiltie, did you tell me?" "Lord, ain't you heard that afore?" "I thought all London knew that" "Most certainly." "He's in the famous black watch!" "We can't all be kilties!" "That's very true!" "Has your Kenneth got great hairy legs?" "Tremendous!" "Won't you read us some of his letters, Mrs Dowey?" "They're very private to me, Mrs Haggerty I'd rather not." "I tell you sir some of these replacements are a disgrace to the regiment!" "It's almost certain that Dowey's wound was self-inflicted!" "That's a very serious charge to bring against any soldier!" "You know it's true" "His record in the army hasn't been good, and from all I can learn it was worse in civilian life!" "And he's too cagey to let us find him out!" "Still there must be something within the man!" "I've made up my mind that there's only one thing to try with him." "Orderly!" "Send in Private Dowey!" "Yes sir!" "Private Dowey!" "Here, hold it." "Say you already think you're going to get that leave, do you?" "Watch me!" "Can you imagine the nerve of that fellow Dowey asking for seven days leave?" "After what he's done?" "He'll be lucky if he doesn't get seven years in jail!" "That won't bother him, he's been there a couple of times before" "I know a fellow in Canada told me all about him." "So how's the wound?" "Private Dowey!" "As a wounded soldier you have applied for leave in London!" "Yes, sir." "You know of course that there has been some reason to believe your wound was self-inflicted!" "And you know that if this could be proven, you not only would get no leave, but you'd be severely disciplined!" "Well, in spite of this fact, and in spite of your record," "I am going to have faith in you and grant you this leave." "I know that in return you will prove yourself worthy of the regiment." "Thank you sir." "Lot of impression that'll have on him!" "I'll bet you a fiver he doesn't even come back!" "Seven days in Blighty!" "You lucky swine!" "Say, you might bring us a couple of blondes when you come back!" "Yes, I might." "Don't hold your breath waiting for me to come back!" "Hey!" "Well, that goes right out..." "You don't understand properly trench warfare." "Now, if I had a map..." "That's the river 'Somm-ay'!" "If we had barrages here," "Pretty soon you'll be invalided." "Where's your supports, my lady?" "What none of you seems to grasp is, this is artillery war!" "And over there in Salo-ne-iki!" "I thought we'd closed that subject days ago!" "Oh Mrs Dowey!" "You have a visitor!" "I wonder who it could be!" "It's the Reverend" "Mr Willings?" "Oh!" "I'd say he's had his boots cleaned!" "Won't you have some tea?" "No, I thank you friend." "I have news!" "News?" "From the front?" "My Alfie, sir?" "I'll tell you at once, that all is well." "My news is for Mrs Dowey." "News?" "For me?" "Your son, Mrs Dowey, is on leave, in London!" "Who?" "Son!" "You're... sure?" "Quite sure." "He has arrived!" "He's... in London?" "I have spoken to him!" "It... it was quite a romance, ladies." "I was in the... church army choir, when suddenly my eyes, I'd had a cold, but suddenly, my eyes alighted upon... a Highlander!" "A big man?" "Oh, a great brawny fellow" "Name?" "Dowey!" "Then, I placed my hand on his shoulder as it might be, there." "No, it was the other shoulder." "Kenneth Dowey, I said, I know your mother!" "What... did he say to that?" "Oh, he seemed incredulous!" "In fact he seemed to think that I was... barmy!" "Then I offered to bring him here!" "Bring him... here?" "I'd wonder he needed to be brought!" "Oh, he had only just arrived and he was bewildered by the great city!" "Is he coming?" "Oh, he has come." "He is up there!" "I told him that I thought I had better come and break the joyful news!" "Kindly get them to go away!" "Ladies, I think this happy occasion scarcely requires you!" "I also am going instantly." "I'd thank none for their company if my Alfie was at the door!" "A good son, Mrs Dowey, to have written to you so often!" "There she is, Dowey my friend, waiting for you, with your letters in her hand!" "Don't you recognise your loving son, Mrs?" "I'm pleased I wrote so often." "Let's see those!" "Nothing but blank paper!" "Is this your writing in pencil on the envelope?" "Where'd you get em?" "I'm a charwoman." "I picked the envelopes out a wastepaper basket, and changed the addresses." "Don't you burn them letters, Mister!" "They're not real letters!" "They're all I have" "I thought you had a son!" "I never had a son, nor a husband... nor anything." "I just call myself Mrs, to give me a standing." "Well!" "You're past my seeing-through!" "What made you do it?" "It was everybody's war, except mine." "I wanted it to be my war, too." "You'll need to be plainer." "Yet I'm blamed if I care to listen to you, you lying old trickster!" "You're not going, already!" "Yes." "I just came to give you an ugly piece of my mind!" "But you haven't given it to me yet!" "You have a cheek!" "You wouldn't drink some tea?" "Me?" "I tell you I came here for the one purpose of blazing away at you!" "You could drink some tea while you were blazing away!" "Now then out with it!" "Sit down!" "Go on, you old sinner!" "It's true that my name is Dowey!" "Enough to make me change mine!" "I've been charring and charring as far back as I can mind!" "I've been in London these 20 years!" "Well, skip your early days!" "And then..." "When I was old, the war broke out." "How could that affect you?" "That's it mister!" "It didn't affect me!" "It affected everybody but me!" "The neighbours looked down on me." "Even the poster on the wall, of the mother saying, "Go, my boy!", leered at me..." "Sometimes I cried to myself in the dark!" "You wouldn't have a cup of tea?" "No!" "Sudden-like, the idea came to me, to pretend I had a son!" "Why you old criminal!" "What in the name of Old Nick, made you choose me out of the whole British Army?" "Maybe... it was because I liked you the best!" "Now, now, woman!" "One day, I read in the newspaper, look what it says here!" "In which he was assisted, by Private K. Dowey, 42nd Highlanders, Black Watch." "Well..." "I expect that's the only time I was ever in the papers!" "I didn't choose you for that alone." "I read a history of the Black Watch first, to make sure it was the best regiment in the world." "Anybody could have told you that!" "I like the Scotch voice on you, woman!" "Frozen water runs by where I was born." "Maybe you'd teach me to speak, Mister?" "How did you guess the K in my name stood for Kenneth?" "Does it?" "An angel must have whispered it to me, in my sleep!" "Well, that's the only angel in this whole black business!" "You didn't thought I would turn up!" "Well did you?" "I was beginning to weary for a sight of ye..." "Kenneth..." "What word was that?" "I hope you're pleased with me now you see me!" "I'm very pleased!" "Do your folk live in England?" "Canada." "Both living?" "Aye." "Is your mother terrible proud of ye?" "Naturally." "Where did you come to stay in London?" "I don't see that that's any affair of yours!" "So... she's in London!" "Who?" "Your young lady!" "Are you jealous?" "No" "You needn't be." "She's a young thing." "Wouldn't surprise me." "A beauty no doubt." "You may be sure." "She's a titled person." "She's equally popular as maid, wife, and munition worker" "Tell me more about her, man." "She sends me a lot of things, especially cake!" "And a 'Worcester's Waisted' with a loving message on the... enclosed card!" "You'll try one of my cakes!" "Not for me." "They're all my own making!" "No, I thank you." "That's exactly the kind of cakes Her Ladyship sends me!" "Was the waistcoat right?" "I hope the Black Watch colours pleased you..." "What?" "Was it you" "I daren't give you my own name, you see, and I was always reading hers in the papers" "Woman... is there no getting rid of you?" "Are you angry?" "Give me some tea!" "What?" "Don't be thinking Mrs for one minute that you have got me!" "No, no!" "I have an appointment." "Tonight." "How long is your leave, Kenneth?" "Oh, couple of weeks." "Kenneth, this is a queer first meeting!" "It is woman." "Oh, it is!" "And it's also a last meeting!" "Yes." "Yes" "What was your trade?" "Me?" "I was a farmer." "A farmer?" "Planting and growing things..." "You're a proper man to look at!" "I'm generally admired." "She's an enviable woman..." "Who?" "Your mother!" "Well, that was just protecting myself from you." "I have neither father, nor mother, nor wife, nor grandmother." "Is that true?" "Gospel!" "Heaven be praised!" "See that?" "None of that!" "I was a fool to tell you but don't think you can take advantage of it!" "Pass the cake." "Kenneth?" "I dare say, it's true we'll never meet again, but, if we do, well, I wonder where it'll be?" "God, if I ever get to Berlin I believe I'll find you there waiting for me!" "With a cup of tea for you, in my hand!" "Aye, and very good tea too!" "We could come back by Paris" "All the ladies like to go to Paris!" "Oh Kenneth, I wish just once before I die," "I could be fitted for a Paris gown, with a dreamy corsage!" "You're all alike, old woman." "We have a song about it!" "Mrs Gill is very ill and nothing can improve her, but to see the Tuileries and waddle through the Louvre!" "Oh Kenneth you must learn me that!" "Mrs Dowey's very ill, nothing can improve her..." "Stop!" "But dressed up in a Paris gown and waddle through the Louvre!" "Hairy legs!" "Mind your manners!" "Well..." "I must be gone." "Thank you for the tea!" "Where are you living?" "No place just this minute, but I have an idea!" "I'll tell you this." "London's no place to be in without a friend, or... a connection!" "That's my quandary too Kenneth!" "I feel sorry for you, you poor old lady." "But I see no way out for either of us!" "Do you mean that?" "Are you at it again?" "Kenneth, I've heard, that the one thing a man on leave longs for, more than anything else, is a bed with sheets, and a bath!" "You never heard anything truer!" "Go into that pantry Kenneth Dowey, and lift the dresser top, and tell me what you see!" "It's a kind of a bath!" "You could do yourself there pretty!" "Me?" "How?" "Half at a time!" "There's a woman through the wall, who'd very gladly give me a shakedown until your leave is up!" "Oh, is there?" "Kenneth, look!" "My word!" "That's the dodge we need in the trenches!" "That's your bed now!" "Mine?" "Let's see how it works!" "You queer old duck!" "Would you think it routine to want to be burdened, burdened by a lump like me!" "I've been a kickabout all my life, and I'm no great shakes at the war either!" "How can you say that, and you with a wound, child?" "Suppose that makes me a hero?" "Yes, it does!" "How many have you killed?" "Just two for certain." "There was no glory in it." "It was just cause they wanted my shirt." "Oh Kenneth." "You're just a wonderful soldier." "You're easily pleased." "Listen old lady, if you really want me I'll stay." "Mind you, I don't accept you as a relation." "For your own personal glory you can go on pretending to the neighbours!" "The best I can say for you is you're on probation!" "I'm a cautious character, I'm waiting to see how you turn out!" "Yes, Kenneth" "Now, I think that's that." "I have an appointment later." "You'll be sure and come back?" "Yes." "Here's my gift and pledge" "Oh, Kenneth... don't liquor up too freely!" "You're the first to care whether I do or not!" "I promise." "I'm damned looking forward to being waked up in the morning by you saying "Get up, you lazy swine!"" "I kind of... envied men that had womenfolk with the right to say that!" "What is it Kenneth?" "The theatre!" "It would be showier if I took a lady!" "Tell me this instant, what do you mean?" "Nope." "Couldn't be done." "Don't keep me on the jump!" "Was it... me you were thinking of?" "For the moment, but you had no style." "Not in this!" "But you should see me in my merino" "It laces up the back and it's the very latest..." "That's none so bad!" "be a bit of chiffon for the neck," "It's not bombs, nor Kaisers, nor Tipperary that men in the trenches think about!" "Chiffon!" "I swear I have, and I have a bangle!" "and a muff, and gloves!" "A'ight, A'ight." "You think you could give your face less of a homey look?" "I'm sure I could!" "Alright, then you can have a try!" "But mind you!" "I promise nothing, it all will depend upon the effects." "Oh Mrs Dowey's very ill, and nothing can improve her," "But to see the Tuileries and waddle through the Louvre!" "Oh Mrs Dowey's very ill and nothing can improve her!" "But dressed up in a Paris gown..." "And waddle through the Louvre!" "Hey!" "Let's see em!" "Name?" "Lilac!" "C'mon!" "Who's that?" "She out with the bag lady?" "Alright!" "This way, Kenneth!" "Good day to you, Mrs Dowey!" "Good day to you, Mrs Upson!" "Amelia!" "Amelia!" "Ain't he a whopper!" "He'd fix the door alright!" "Gorgeous!" "What do we do between now and the theatre?" "Well, we could go to the zoo!" "Perhaps that's too far." "We could go to Lyons' restaurant first, and eat!" "Or we could go to the waxworks!" "But perhaps it would be better, to go first to Sam Isaacs' Fish and Chip Emporium, and eat..." "Or we could go to the skating rink, and if you don't like that, we could go somewhere and... eat." "Alright!" "The 'eats' have it!" "And then after the theatre, if you like we could go on to..." "Whoops, hold your horses old lady!" "The YMCA told me to beware of conniving females!" "You're on probation!" "Very well, Kenneth, just as you say." "I. M. Shelley and his Union Jack monsters, songsters!" "Every soldier over there, every airship in the air, shows a lonely, some boy there..." "Where are your bags?" "One song..." "Kenneth, this is the shilling side!" "The gallery only costs sixpence!" "Let's forget that you're Scotch." "We're going in the fifth!" "Violets!" "Sweet violets!" "Here you are ladies, sweet-scented violets!" "Only threepence a bunch!" "Oh, don't they smell lovely?" "I love violets!" "Don't you Kenneth?" "I hope we haven't missed the acrobats!" "Smell them lady." "Ain't they gorgeous?" "And only threepence a bunch!" "They'd go well with my marino, don't you think?" "And only threepence a bunch!" "Oh, in your dear, braw, bunnet..." "There you are, they're all hot!" "All hot and meaty!" "Who says a hot potato?" "Only a penny!" "Darn!" "Why do I have to make it..." "You know, I think I had mine last time I saw them..." "It was a good show" "The acrobats!" "Who's with that tall man in his..." "Mother, you are the greatest of all mothers..." "Everything is over now..." "Finished!" "A wonderful work of art, sir!" "So, Lady." "We haven't done half the things you wanted to do yet!" "Oh, but Kenneth, it's getting so late!" "Well, none of that now!" "We can go to some more tomorrow!" "Huh?" "Not on your life?" "We're going to the skating rink!" "Oh, Kenneth, really, I have forgotten how to skate!" "You suggested it!" "I guess you're getting tired already!" "Indeed I'm not, Kenneth Dowey" "Well, alright, you really don't want to skate!" "I'd say we've got all evening, if..." "Hey!" "Where you going?" "To see that you get safe in bed, Kenneth!" "Oh no you don't." "I..." "Oh, don't talk nonsense!" "I've waited too long to tuck my boy in bed, you needn't think I'm going to give up the chance now!" "Get in there and undress yourself!" "Hurry up, now!" "Getting your bed ready!" "Throw out your things, as you take them off..." "I'll hang them up!" "This reminds me of old times..." "What old times?" "The times... when I used to pretend" "I was putting my son Kenneth to bed." "Old lady, you're daft!" "Daft?" "Many's the time I spanked him for saying less than that!" "Shut your eyes!" "Turn around!" "Now I'm in bed!" "Oh!" "What bonny big feet you have, Kenneth!" "Sleep well!" "I will!" "Hey!" "Where are you going with my boots!" "I'm going to clean them!" "Oh no you don't!" "You bring them right back here!" "Kenneth Dowey, I have a perfect right to clean my son's boots!" "You come right back here I tell you!" "Good night dear Kenneth!" "Here's luck, old gal!" "Between you and me Amelia, the spoiling of her!" "Have you seen her new Astrakhan jacket?" "He bought it for her!" "No!" "Yes!" "It has Venus sleeves, and a muff to match!" "Look, here comes that submarine!" "Hello Ladies!" "Hello!" "Oh, ello" "I suppose you ladies, working like you do inside offices, ain't got the same opportunity of observing things like I have!" "What things?" "Things that happen on Friday St and inside places of purchase!" "Meaning just what, Mrs Haggerty?" "If it concerns us personal..." "As mothers, who have sons in the service, it touches us all!" "Then we have a right to know, Mrs Haggerty!" "I haven't quite made up my mind!" "Mrs Haggerty, you've been a-drinking!" "No I ain't, I swear!" "Not that I ain't thirsty!" "Here they come!" "Look at her!" "She struts about with him as though the two of them made a procession" "Oh look Kenneth!" "We have friends here!" "Well you told us to meet here, didn't you?" "To see the new coat he bought you!" "And have a drink or two?" "Alright!" "What will you have to drink, ladies?" "Mine's gin!" "Mine's beer, half and half!" "I'll have a small pot!" "What are you going to have, Kenneth?" "Scotch!" "I'll take the same." "The best you have!" "And where away tonight, Mrs Dowey?" "Well I really don't know..." "We've been most every place!" "I suppose you'll be telling us next you're going to dine at the Imperial!" "Only swells eat at the Imperial!" "Kenneth wants to take me there!" "But I've done my best to discourage the idea..." "Then we're going to Buckingham Palace, and dine with the King and Queen!" "Here's to you ladies!" "Your health!" "Looking at you!" "It must be time you were thinking of going back to the trenches, eh Mr..." "What an indelicate question!" "Kenneth has several more days leave yet!" "I was just sort of wondering if he was going back!" "Well I never!" "Mrs Haggerty, I have to ask you to explain that last remark!" "We all ask you!" "Yes, that's what I asked myself, when I saw him in a shop looking at civilian clothes!" "Well!" "Your eyesight must be getting bad!" "Mrs Haggerty!" "You'll apologise for them traitor's words!" "Hold on, old lady!" "Did you hear what she said, Kenneth?" "Yes, I heard what she said." "But she was mistaken!" "Weren't you, Mrs Haggerty?" "I ain't one to admit..." "You'll admit you was wrong!" "Come, come, ladies, stop it!" "Or I'll have to kiss the whole lot of you!" "Ha ha, vain sod, you!" "You kilties is the word!" "Well, here's health!" "Finish your drink and I'll get you something special!" "I tell you they do!" "No." "No sir!" "A Scotchman don't wear pants under his kilt!" "Oh, what do they do on a windy day?" "I don't know what they do!" "I know its army regulations!" "I'll bet you a bob he don't!" "I'll bet you a bob he does!" "I'll prove it." "Come along!" "Righto!" "You're right!" "Now, now matey don't get excited." "No offense meant!" "What's the big idea?" "Wait a minute now..." "You want to give us a go?" "It's your Kenneth!" "There, there!" "Kenneth?" "I don't see him!" "Kick him Kenneth!" "Kick him!" "Go on!" "Bash him!" "Give him a punch in the gob!" "Where do you think you're going?" "That's my business!" "Cause he started it!" "Oh you did, did you?" "Well I've a good mind to shove you in the lockup!" "Better than being in the army" "What's that?" "You're a disgrace to this uniform!" "Uniform?" "You can have the uniform!" "What?" "You heard me, I'm sick of it!" "You can take it back any time you want!" "You better come along with me!" "Hey what's the idea?" "It's a terrible war!" "Oh wait a minute Kenneth, you need to cool yourself off a bit!" "You're not hurt are you?" "No, but I wish I'd broken his neck!" "Kenneth!" "You're not..." "You're not angry with me, are you?" "No, not with you, with those MPs!" "I know!" "You didn't mean those other things you said, did you?" "What other things?" "Why about..." "About the... the bonny uniform..." "Didn't I?" "You bet I did!" "I'm sick of the uniform, and the mud in the trenches, and the fighting!" "And everything about it!" "No, you don't mean it Kenny!" "Don't I?" "You bet I mean it!" "I'm fed up with it!" "I have had enough of the whole rotten business!" "Kenny!" "What's the matter?" "To hear you talk like that..." "What?" "What's this old lady?" "You're a kiltie, Kenny!" "I was so proud of you." "So proud of my boy!" "Oh, so that's it is it?" "I told you I was no great shakes at the war, didn't I?" "My boy... in his uniform..." "I was so proud of him." "Come come, it can't mean that much to you!" "Oh, it means everything to me Kenny!" "Didn't I pick you out to be my boy, because I read how fine, brave you were!" "Here, here I was only fooling!" "I didn't mean it!" "Did you hear what I said?" "I didn't mean it!" "I'm thinking, maybe Mrs Haggerty was right, about you buying the civilian clothes!" "Here, you don't believe that!" "Why, what would I be wanting with civilian clothes anyway?" "Run away with?" "Oh, Kenny!" "Here, here." "If that's all that's worrying you forget it." "You got to act better than this, you know!" "You're still on probation!" "You're a fine one, spoiling our whole evening!" "Just when we're going out to have a lot of fun!" "Just when we're going out to the Imperial, too!" "Don't you want to go to the Imperial?" "Oh come on." "We'll... we'll have..." "we'll have champagne!" "You like that!" "Won't you?" "And after that we'll... we'll keep our appointment with the King and Queen!" "Oh, now, let's sing!" "Mrs Dowey's very ill, and nothing can improve her... c'mon, sing!" "But dressed up in a Paris gown, to waddle through the Louvre!" "C'mon!" "It's all in French!" "Eh..." "Garcon, dis donc..." "Par... parlez-vous Francais, oui?" "Yes, sir!" "OK" "Ehh, avez-vous pour le..." "Madame and eh... me, ehh, n'est-ce pas?" "la?" "Soup?" "Soup." "Soup." "You couldn't have said a thing like that unless you meant it!" "Two soups." "And, ehh, champagne!" "Champagne with soup, sir?" "Yes!" "What kind?" "The best" "Very good, sir." "How does that suit Your Ladyship?" "Kenneth, I heard you saying..." "Eh?" "No, no, no" "You're going to have more than that to eat." "There's, um..." "Poulet." "That's the French for chicken." "Poulet." "Chicken." "Funny, isn't it?" "Where's the champagne?" "Uh, coming, sir." "Listen to the music" "Doesn't that make you want to sing?" "I'm sure it's very nice." "Very nice?" "Well, I should hope so." "This is the Imperial." "Better pop!" "Well, old lady... here's to you!" "You could give me one smile!" "Drink the champagne!" "Here." "Take a sip of mine." "We'll make a loving couple." "Kenneth, how could you say...?" "Take it!" "But my Kenneth..." "All of it!" "Talk like that?" "All of it!" "All of it!" "I told you I wouldn't want to... hurt you." "But when you talk like that about a soldier, you hurt me terrible, Kenneth." "The uniform." "Oh, I love you in it." "It means so much to me, and people like me." "It means that men like you are going to war, to keep the war from coming to us!" "If it means that much to you, I'm sure I didn't mean it!" "I do believe you are fooling me all the time!" "Put here." "Do you like the smell of that?" "Don't it make your mouth water?" "That's not beer you're drinking." "I'll bet you wish you were having your fish and chips." "Oh Kenneth, look how it bubbles!" "It sparkles like diamonds!" "You uh... care to waltz, with a soldier?" "I could die waltzing with a soldier!" "Let me escort you, Mrs Dowey!" "Oh Kenny!" "I'm flying!" "I'm flying!" " haha, no..." "Don't forget to wake me up, Kenneth" "So that I can tuck you in bed." "How are you, Mrs Haggerty?" "Horrible." "Me head's opening and shutting" "I haven't had so much in since the Coronation!" "Hello, Mrs Dowey!" "Good morning, ladies!" "Did your Kenneth get hurt last night?" "Hurt?" "Him?" "No, he knocked them all over!" "And then we got hungry, so we went to the Imperial." "The imperial?" "And we had a sit-down supper!" "I swear we had Champagney wine!" "Champagney wine!" "And to anyone who doubts my word, there's the cork!" "I suppose you'll be telling us that you're going for another taxi ride this morning!" "I don't think that's for us!" "Whom might you be waiting for, sir?" "I'm waiting for an idle soldier who's going back to the front!" "He told me to whistle for him a half hour!" "Time's almost up now!" "Kenneth!" "Where are you going?" "Back." "But I thought you had more leave." "You told me..." "I just made all that up." "I didn't want you to be thinking about it." "Is it time?" "No, no." "The taxi driver's going to whistle for me." "All is ended." "Now then." "The last time we talked together, you promised to be gay." "We were going to help one another!" "Yes, Kenneth" "It's bad for me" "But it's worse for you." "The men have medals to win, you see" "The women have their medals, too." "Come here." "No!" "I'll come to you." "Have you noticed you've never called me son?" "Have I noticed it?" "You see, I was feared, Kenneth" "You said I was on probation." "So you were." "Well..." "Probation's ended." "I'm not much to have, but if you really want me you can have me." "Oh Kenneth, will I do?" "Woman, don't be so forward!" "You must wait till I have proposed!" "Proposed?" "For a mother?" "And why not?" "Mrs Dowey, you sweet thing!" "Have I your permission to ask the most important question... that a neglected orphan could ask of an old lady?" "None of your sauce, Kenneth!" "For a long time Mrs Dowey, you cannot have been unaware of my sonnish feelings for you!" "Wait till I get my mop to you!" "And if you're not willing to be my mother, I swear I shall ask no other!" "Was I a well-behaved infant, mother?" "Not you, sonny!" "You were a rampaging rogue!" "Was I slow in learning to walk?" "The quickest in our street!" "Is that... the whistle?" "No." "See here!" "You've taken me over, you have in a manner of speaking joined the kilties!" "I like to think that, Kenneth." "Then you must be brave so that the ghost piper will be proud of you!" "Attention!" "That's the style!" "Now listen!" "I've turned in your name as being my next of kin." "And your allowance will be coming to you weekly in the usual way." "But... isn't that... wicked, Kenneth?" "No, no, old lady." "You're as much responsible as any mother ever was for sending a man to war!" "and maybe more so than you know!" "And besides you have a right to be safeguarded, in case anything happens!" "Kenneth!" "Attention!" "I'll be coming back, all covered in mud and medals!" "And be sure you have that cup of tea waiting for me!" "Won't it be a lot of fun writing to one another?" "Real letters this time!" "Yes Kenny!" "I think it'd be a good plan if you began the first letter as soon as I'd gone!" "I will." "I hope Lady Dolly goes on sending me cake!" "You may be sure." "I've got something for you." "I'll bet you were a pretty thing when you were young!" "Away with ye!" "The scarf sets you off well!" "Blue was always my colour!" "Old lady." "Hey, the mail!" "Oh, the mail!" "Is there anything for me?" "Your mail, George" "Nothing for you, Scotty." "Parcel for Dowie." "Is it one of Her Ladyship's cakes?" "Must be something for me" "Two for you..." "One for you" "Nothing for me?" "Come on boys" "Say, how would a guy like me go about to learn to be a farmer?" "What's the matter?" "You're not thinking of turning honest, are you?" "What were you thinking of?" "Oh nothing" "It wouldn't be any use anyhow" "I know what he's thinking about." "He's thinking of her!" "Was it nice to see her on leave?" "Yes" "Is she pretty?" "To me, yes" "Do you love her?" "Who wouldn't love a woman, what makes a cake like that?" "Well, what about it?" "Well, what about cutting the cake?" "Sorry to break up the party, boys" "Why, what's up?" "Jerry's got a couple of new machine guns, here below this place." "Take Dowie, he's good at it!" "How about it, Dowie?" "Alright with me." "Alright, you, you, you and you." "C'mon!" "I'll mind the cake for you Dowie!" "I'm going to put it where the rats won't get it!" "No rats are going to eat that cake!" "No, and listen you little worm, if you touch that cake before i get back I'll split you on this bayonet!" "But if you don't come back, can I have it?" "I love violets." "Don't you, Kenneth?" "Blue was always my colour!" "Oh Kenny, I'm flying!" "I'm..." "Good morning, ladies." "So long, ladies!" "Oh, so long" "So long!"