"Hey, Vern." "Vernon!" "Were you by any chance scheduled to turn yourself in at the D.O.J. this morning?" "Fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "No!" "God!" "God!" "Goddamn it!" "All right, let's go." "We're going live in five." "Oh, my fucking life!" "Goddamn it!" "Why, motherfucker?" "Why, motherfucker?" "Okay, so that's just piss-poor staff work." "Fuck me!" "Fuck me!" "Fuck!" "Take your time." "I'll make some coffee for everyone." "I'm gonna miss you, buddy." "Fuck me, Frances!" "Buster, down!" "Down!" "Jesus, Gil John, can you control your damn dog?" "Buster." "Come here, boy." "Keyshawn, go around the back." "The basement's unlocked." "I swear to God, Gil John, that dog is racist." "How can he be racist?" "He doesn't bark at Robert." "He's a good boy, yes." " See?" " What a good boy." "Nothing but love in his heart for the black man." "It's gays he hates." "Just kidding, Louis." "Me?" "Why me?" "Why didn't you say that to Robert?" "Robert hates gays too." "Don't you read?" "All blacks do, so he wasn't offended." "I'm not offended, either." "I'm a prominent critic of the homosexual agenda, for Christ sake." "Isn't that homophob shit on the wrong side of history?" "Where are we on that?" "Sounds pretty last election cycle to me there, Louis." "I'd check." " You going to the caucus?" " I got a car out front." "Excellent." "Is that Vernon's tie?" "Yes, it is." "He won't miss it in prison." "Who the hell steals a tie with Grease stains on it?" " What else did you acquire?" " Who cares?" "Vern isn't as tight-assed about his shit as you are." "By the way, who we getting to replace him as a roommate?" "No idea." "Louis' house, his call." "You around this weekend?" "Not sure." "Maddie keeps screaming at me to come home." "She thinks I'm a lazy-ass fuck who's out to ruin her life by losing the race." "Well, it is a little unusual that you don't campaign." "Why should I?" "I'm being primaried by a guy who's had two mini-strokes since he announced." "Who's gonna vote for a walking time bomb?" "Besides, everybody in the state knows my record:" "2 undefeated seasons, 11 conference titles," "2 national championships." "Yeah, that does speak for itself." "Okay, folks, so here is the takeaway on Afghanistan from the party's perspective." "With Obama's fade to black policy, the best the United States can do is not lose the war." "But if our troops stay all in for as long as it takes, there's a chance of actually winning this sucker." "Well, we're the G.O.P." "Winning is what we do." "That's what we did in the first Gulf War." "Not losing doesn't work for us." "Not losing is a democrat thing." "So that's what the trip is about, senators." "You go to Kabul, you stand with our troops, and you say loud and clear," ""we can do better than not losing."" " Are you getting all this down?" " Yes, sir." " Why?" " Any questions?" "Whoever put that on my schedule is about to have a bad day." "What a waste of time." "Do I look like somebody prepared to fly to fucking Kabul for the goddamn national committee?" "You do not." "You look like someone prepared to fly to Philly for the world series." "You get me, Robert." "I'll give you that." "It's my wife." "What, Maddie?" "You're going with the delegation to Afghanistan, right, G.J.?" "Why would I do that, Maddie?" "Because a full brigade of North Carolina guard rotated over there last week!" "So what?" "They know I support 'em." " I'll make a video..." " Gil John!" "Everything's changed." "Changed?" "How changed?" "Taylor had another stroke last night." "He withdrew from the race." "What?" "That's... that's good!" "Well, not for him, obviously." "Well, shit, Maddie, that's an outstandin' development." "Nuhuh, honey bear." "Guess who just announced he's running now." " Who?" " Digger Mancusi." "Huh?" "You're in a real race now, darlin'." "You can't just sit in your little man cave anymore, waiting to be re-elected." "Goddamn son of a bitch!" "That's an iPhone." "Who smashes an iPhone?" "He's got a new opponent." "Digger Mancusi." "Digger Mancusi?" "The Duke basketball coach?" "We're fucked, sir." "Senator Laffer, on behalf of the council for normal marriage and all the born and unborn children conceived within normal marriages, it is my privilege to present you with our 2012 "Say No to Sodomy" Award!" "My..." ""Say Bo"..." ""to Sodomy"." "Thank you, Simon." "I'm deeply honored to receive this... this recognition." "But I am not the only one saying no to unnatural unions." "There are millions of normally married Americans..." "The men married to the women..." "Who are also repulsed when they think about two men together or two women together..." "Though maybe not as much." "So hats off to the council for normal marriage and the important work they're doing to prevent not just state-sanctioned sodomy, but also mutual masturbation, frictation, and barebacking across this great land of ours." " Hey." " Hey, Louis." "How'd it go?" " Great, I think." " What's "T.M.I." mean?" " It means you overshared." "We're going to lunch." "Care to join?" "You can bring your friend." " Afghanistan?" " Mm-hmm." "Are you serious?" "Why?" "I support the troops." "His wife's making him." "It's more of a campaign swing." " But you don't campaign." " He does now." "Taylor dropped out." "He's got a new opponent." "Who?" "Digger Mancusi." "Digger Mancusi, the Duke basketball coach?" "How the hell do you know who digger Mancusi is?" "My nephew goes to Duke." "He's like a God in North Carolina, right?" "Right." "Well, I mean, you're a God too, Gil, but you're like a retired God." "He's... active." "Holy cow, you're fucked." "Thank you, Louis." "Sorry." "Afghanistan." "Good play." "Very senatorial." "Digger can't do that." "He sure can't." " You going too?" " I'm thinking about it." "You should too, Louis." "Me?" "Why?" "Well, it wouldn't hurt for you to pose with some spec ops guys in wraparounds." "What do you mean by that?" "I gotta go." "Late for a meeting." "Yeah, me too." "Hey, Louis, would you mind getting the check?" "We'll settle with you later." "And on Capitol Hill tonight, senate Republicans opposing the clean energy and security act have begun a rare talking filibuster that's expected to last at least through the weekend." "Sources close to senate minority leader Mitch McConnell confirm that all 45 G.O.P. members are likely to participate in the marathon effort to prevent the bill from reaching a full vote on the floor." "Mr. President, the American people know junk science when they see it." "A few polar bears who can't hack the swim back to their ice packs does not constitute proof that man-made CO2 causes global warming." "In fact, that's just natural selection in action." "Do you think every one of God's creations made it on to the ark?" "Hell, no." "There are a lot of sharp elbows out there." "Wow." "So this is a talking filibuster." "You see this coming, boss?" " Yup." "I just hope to God this is a one-off." "What we need is good jobs, and that comes from fossil fuels." " What time am I on?" " 3:45 A.M." "Do I have a speech?" "Not unless you want one." "No one's gonna hear it." "I can get Andrea to knock something out." "Eh!" "What about this:" "you got the private contractor fundraiser tomorrow." "You could get something nice about them on to the record." "Beats smearing polar bears." "Why don't you rough up some bullet points?" "This is the apocalypse." "You watching this?" "I thought we adjourned." "What's that old gasbag doing?" "Same thing you're gonna be doing in a couple hours... filibustering the clean energy bill." "The fuck I am." "Am I?" "Fuck." "I am." "I just called to remind you, in case you were getting liquored up for the evening." "Well, that's what normal people do, Robert." "Not everybody's got season tickets to the opera." "Tammy, get some coffee in him, huh?" "I'll try, senator." "Both of y'all can kiss my ass." "Mr. President, when I was in school, they didn't even teach climate change." "We didn't need it then, and we don't need it now." "Since when is the senate cloakroom being used for hookups?" "I think it's the cots, the novelty of it." "Whatever happened to dignity and privacy?" "I miss old Washington." "People fucked in broom closets." "Would the distinguished gentleman from Seville take five?" "He will, sir." "He yields to his colleague following a great state of fatigue, which has overcome him." "I commend the gentleman for his bold, fearless, and decisive march to the top of his range." "He reminds me of our troops..." "Hooah!" "As well as our brave private security contractors, particularly those from carthage security systems," "triple canopy, 3-D global solutions, and other members of the southeast Asia private security association." "Ladies and gentlemen, these are our real heroes." "Raphael Edward Cruz." "Jeffry Lane Flake." "Christopher Scott Murphy." "Joseph Simon Donnelly, Sr." "Who the hell are these people?" " What?" " Must be Afghan war dead." "Wish I'd have thought of that." "Those are the names of new freshmen senators, there, Gil John." "Elizabeth Ann Warren." " Are you sure?" " Andrew Ramos Guzman." "Andy Guzman." "There's an idea." " What?" " Andy, for the house." "Should've thought of that." "Ever since his marriage blew up, he's been sleeping in his office." " You like him, right?" " Not particularly." "I'll run it by Louis." " Got your speech ready?" " I don't know." "Somethin' lame Tammy worked up." "Well, why don't you reuse mine?" "The private contractors will love you." "Hey, thanks." "Have you seen Andy Guzman this morning?" "Nope, but I believe you have in the cloakroom." "That was him?" "According to, well, pretty much everybody in the building." "Good source." "Hey, Andy, you got a minute there?" "Hey, Robert, what do you think I should read, the bill of rights or emails from my ex-wife's boyfriend?" "You've probably got time for both." "Listen, are you still looking for a place to live?" "I am, I am." "Why?" "Well, 'cause Louis and Gil John and I are looking for a roommate, and you seem like someone who could really use a room." "You got that right." "It's hard to have a date." "Yeah, I know." "I heard you dating this morning." "Woke me up, in fact." "Oh." "Sorry." "That's just between the three of us, right?" "Too late." "It's high school." "So what do you think?" "It's possible." "I'd have to check out the house." "It's not a dump, is it?" "Are you kidding me?" "It's Louis' place." "We have to use coasters." "Why don't you come by and take a look?" "I should be leaving the office around 6:30." "Yeah, that works for me." "I have a fundraiser, but I'll leave early." "I'll swing by and pick you up." "Man, I'm getting too old for this." " Filibusters?" " No, man." "Sex against the wall." "All right." "So if we're going to commit on the Afghanistan trip," "I'll coordinate the schedule with the R.N.C." "But do we want to run this by the campaign first?" "No." "We're definitely committing." "Do we have dates?" " The 21st through the 24th, Mrs. Biggs." " Wait a minute." "The 21st is..." "That'll work for us." "The straw poll isn't until the 26th." "Straw poll?" "What straw poll?" "Now, remember, a big group is not acceptable to us." "The senator has gotta be in every shot." "Too many vips, it cuts down on his exposure." "Yes, ma'am." "We'll be clear on that point." "It's gonna be tricky, G.J. You got to hit all the fear buttons without looking afraid yourself, like you're there personally staring down Al Qaeda for America." "Do you understand?" "Gil John?" "Well, I happen to enjoy hunting ever since my grandfather took me out when I was seven years old to track a pack of timber wolves who were preying on our cattle." "I told that story to Louis once, and his eyes got all wide and he said," ""You hunted wolves?" "Wasn't that dangerous?"" "And I said, "Yeah, for the wolves."" "But, you know, Louis is great." "Different backgrounds, that's all." "You get the general picture, senator." "Hickok is trying to paint you as unwestern, unmanly, limp." "Yeah, I picked up on that, Julie." "And the numbers are showing that he's getting some traction." "And so what am I supposed to do?" "Switch to low rises?" "Wear Doc Martens 1460s on the senate floor?" "Sir, we think we need to consider a more aggressive communications package with this campaign." "Sir, I just fielded an invitation for you from the Colbert Report, which is an amazing opportunity..." "Wait a minute." "No politician does Colbert." "You got no control." "He makes you look like a horse's ass." "Yes, sir." "You gotta be pretty ballsy to take him on." "Which is your point." "Well..." "Louis, you got a minute?" "It's important." "Clear." "What's important?" "It's not important." "I just don't like to wait." "What do you think of Andy Guzman?" "Guzman?" "He's okay, I guess." "I worked with him on a couple reconciliations." "Bit of a showboat." "Why?" "He's looking for a place to stay, like, right away." "He just got elected, so you don't have to worry about turnover." "You got another quarter?" "So what do you say?" "I guess it'd be all right." "Great, because he's coming by tonight." "I didn't know these things paid out." "Neither did I." "I'll see you back at the house." "My lucky day." "Fuck." "Not my lucky day." "Melkin convened the grand jury." "Okay, the indictment's not a foregone conclusion, and even if they do hand down, we're a long way from trial." "At this point, I'm more worried about the ethics committee." "These are closed sessions, though, right?" "Yeah, but you can expect the Democratic staffers to leak like crazy." "We're going into an election year..." "Oh, really?" "Imagine that!" "Melkin comes up empty for three years and now he wants to indict?" "Take your nickel back." "All right, all right." "We need to change the subject if they do indict, okay?" "Get me on that Afghan codel." "You want to leave the country?" "Well, what?" "You got a better idea?" "Not leaving the country?" "Get those, would you?" "Okay, so one more reason why you should make the trip to Afghanistan?" "I wasn't aware of even one." "The interview with that guy running against you, Hickok." "How did you see that?" "It was local." "Christ, Louis, nothing's local anymore." " Even I know that." "It went virile..." "YouTube." " Shit." "Point is, if you're holdin' pressers in front in Kandahar," "Hickok can hardly call you out for being a faggot." "He wasn't calling me a faggot." "He sure as hell wasn't callin' you Arnold Schwarzenegger." " Schwarzenegger's a faggot." " What are you talking about?" "Like 20 women have accused him of sexual assault." "Never proven." "Look, Louis, you need to go, man." "Get yourself photographed holdin' a saw or an M2 or somethin'." "What are they?" "Light arms." "Right." "You've never handled a gun in your life, have you?" "Ready when you are, amigo." "Thought you quit." "Yeah, me too." "I know what this looks like." "And who would that be?" "Like I'm bringing my mistress to check out my new crib." "But the truth is, we just met." "Although I've been backing him for years." "Yes, and I've been fronting for her." "And who knew?" "Who knew what?" "That she was so much more than an illegible signature on a check." "Oh, and it gets better." "She's setting up a super pac for me." " Shh!" " Oh, yes, shh!" "We can't coordinate." "Forget I mentioned that." " Adriana de Portago." " Robert Bettencourt." "From Pennsylvania, right?" "Senior senator?" "Very senior." "Eighth in seniority, in fact." "Unlike Andy, who's 97th." "Oh, well, a girl has to start somewhere." "Es perfecto!" "Es perfecto!" "Wait, wait." "Don't get started without me." "Oh, okay, but no coordinating." "Hey, this is more like it." "I am senator Andrew Guzman, and I approve of this room." "So official." "Actually, Andy, on account of my seniority, I'll be moving upstairs here." "And I'm Adriana de Portago, and I approve of that and..." "Oh!" "And I approve of that and a little bit lower." "A little bit lower." "Hey, hey, hey, you'll be bunking downstairs with Gil John." "I don't think so, man." "That doesn't work for me." "How could you miss that?" "How could you fucking miss that?" "Give me a break." "I'm shit-faced." "Jesus, Gil John!" "It's only 20 feet away, for Christ sake!" "Ah!" "Fuck me." "Must be the sighting'." "I'm going to bed." "I have to do an interview in the morning." "Who are you?" "Adriana de Portago." "From Miami?" "You gave me money once." "Thank you." "You're welcome." " Andy." " Louis." "You joining us?" "If I can have the upstairs room." " No problem." " Well, now, just wait..." "Ah!" "It's my house." "Thanks again for your support." "Anytime." " Now, Louis, listen to me..." " He's cute." "Oh, for Christ sake." "Now, you're up for re-election soon." "Can we talk about your primary opponent Al Hickok?" " Certainly." " Al's a friend?" " I've known Al for years." " So have I." "Now, that is a man's man, right?" "He's... that's the take on him, that he is just all man." "The name right there:" "Al Hickok!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" "How are you gonna fight that?" "Well, Al is blessed with a tall frame and thick hair." "Yeah, it's like Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger had a baby that then renounced his two gay parents." "Did you... did you ever play any sports?" "A little bit... tennis." "Early on." " Tennis, that's good." " But I... wrestling." "I did a bit of wrestling in my day." " I wrestled too." " Is that right?" "Yeah, I wrestled a little bit in high school." "Ready?"