"ANNOUNCER:" "With the stars... and..." "Checking new installation." "Bensonhurst zero-7741." "(rings)" "Okay, thank you." "Everything's in working order, miss." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Thank you ever so much." "You're welcome." "Bye!" "Bye." "Trixie?" "This is Alice." "Yeah." "Guess where I'm calling you from." "No..." "No, I'm home!" "In my apartment." "Yeah!" "I got a phone." "Just now." "Oh, Trixie, it's the most beautiful phone you ever saw." "It's black!" "Yeah, rush right down and see it." "Okay." "(gasps)" "Alice!" "What a surprise!" "But after 15 years, how did you ever get Ralph to change his mind?" "I didn't." "He doesn't know anything about it yet." "You mean, you had this phone put in without telling him?" "That's right." "Geesh!" "Well, I just had to do it, Trix." "You know, every time the bus company wants to get in touch with Ralph," "they got to send a man over here." "Oh..." "And ever since my mother moved out to Astoria," "I just haven't been able to get in touch with her at all." "Mm-hmm." "So I had to have a telephone, but only trouble is," "I don't know how I'm going break it to Ralph." "(sighs)" "If I could just get him in a good mood before he sees it." "Well, you better get him in a good mood while he's still out in the hall, 'cause he's gonna see that as soon as he comes through the door." "Yeah." "I know, I'll hide it." "Oh, yeah." "Good idea." " Go right in here." "Yeah, that's swell." "Now..." "I can wait, you see," "till I get him in a good mood," "Yeah." "And then I'll tell him about it." "I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, Alice." "Okay, Trix." " RALPH:" "Well..." "TRIXIE:" "Hi." "Hiya, sweetheart." "Hiya, dear." "And how is the charming Mrs. Norton?" "Oh!" "I'm fine, thanks." "(Trixie clears her throat)" "I-I'll see you later, Alice." "I better be going." "Bye." "Bye, Trix." "Lovely girl, that Trixie." "Oh, Ralph, I'm so glad you're in a good mood 'cause there's something I just got to tell you." "Oh, hey, before you tell me anything, let me tell you something." "You know that guy that works down... he's, uh, a bus driver down at, uh, the depot, Joe Lustick?" "Uh-huh." "You know, the guy that's always making those stale jokes about me being slightly overweight." "Mm-hmm." "Well, last night he goes home to dinner, see, and he sits down." "No sooner does he sit down to eat, the telephone rings, and they want him to come down and take some guy's place who's sick." "You know, take over the shift?" "Well, he gets on, he says, "I don't want to do this."" "He starts complaining and beefing." "You know, he says, "It's not my turn."" "Well, whose turn was it?" "It was my turn." "But because we haven't got a telephone, they can't get me." "So he had to go down and take over the shift." "Imagine that." "I get out of all the dirty work 'cause we haven't got a phone." "Well, anything to eat?" "Yeah." "I'll get your supper for you right away, Ralph." "All right." "Uh, what did you want to tell me?" "Oh, that?" "Uh, I took your blue pants to the cleaners." "Oh, fine." "Well, I'm going in and wash up." "I'll be right out, hon." "All right, Ralph." "(phone rings, muffled)" "Oh... (ringing continues)" "Did I just hear a telephone?" "A telephone?" "Oh, yeah, I-l hear..." "I-I know, it's..." "the window's open." "Hmm." "Could've swore it was right in this room." "Uh-huh, it sounds that way." "Yeah." "Well, I don't know why I have to listen to other people's telephones." "(phone ringing)" "You didn't close the window all the way." "(ringing continues)" "(ringing continues)" "Hello?" "No, no, it isn't." "You have the wrong number." "All right, Ralph." "Kill me." "Alice, that phone is going out!" "Out!" "If you'll calm down for one minute," "I'll give you a dozen good reasons why we need that phone." "Yeah, and I'll give you a big reason why we can't have the phone!" "We can't afford it!" "Oh, Ralph, a telephone isn't a luxury anymore." " It's a necessity!" "A necessity, huh?" "They put it in this afternoon." "I'll guarantee you've been on it 30 times already." "I made one call, Ralph." "One call!" "I spoke to Trixie." "Trixie?" "!" "Upstairs?" "!" "You called her on the phone to talk to her upstairs?" "What's the matter?" "Yelling out the window is too good for you now?" "What, was it raining out?" "Yelling out the window is bad manners." "Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother." "She's been yelling out the window for 80 years." "Yeah, and before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to Amos and Andy." "Now, you listen to me, Ralph, that phone is staying here." "Everybody but us has a telephone." "All you're worried about is the money." "Well, you can just stop worrying, because I'll figure out some way to pay for that phone." "I'll just, uh, well, I'll-I'll cut down on something." "I know what you'll cut down on-- my food." "That's what you'll cut down on, Alice, my food!" "We'll have a phone, but I won't have anything to eat!" " Oh, Ralph." "Don't "Oh, Ralph" me!" "I'm sick and tired of hearing that "Oh, Ralph."" "The bills will get bigger and bigger, and I'll get less to eat." "I'll start losing weight." "Then you know what I'll look like?" "Yeah." "A human being." "Oh, are you gonna get yours." "Listen, Ralph, if you'd just stop being so stubborn, you'd realize that we do need a phone." "It is just as important for you as it is for me." "Oh, it has nothing to do with me." "'Cause when I'm working all day, you'll be making calls." "And then when I'm home at night, you'll be getting 'em." "That phone is for you, you, you!" "(phone rings)" "Hello?" "Yeah." "It's for you, you, you!" "Hello?" "Shut up." "All right, Ralph, what'd you hang up on Norton for?" "'Cause he's a nut!" "Calling me up to congratulate me about having a telephone." "Now look, let's get something straight right now." "Right here and now." "A man's home is just like a ship." "And on this ship, I am the captain." "I am the captain of this ship." "Do you understand that?" "You are nothing but a lowly, third class seaman." "That's all you are." "Your duties-- get the mess, swab the deck, and see that the captain feels good." "That's all you have to do." "Remember, you're nothing but a lowly, third class seaman." "I'm the captain!" "Where are you going?" "Seaman Kramden, third class, is retiring to the poop deck until this big wind blows over!" "(door slams)" "(Ralph sighs)" "Hey." "What's the idea, hanging up on me on the phone?" "I just called to tell you how happy I was that you finally come to your senses and got a telephone." "Is that so?" "Well, that phone's going out in the morning." "Look, I know a phone is a necessity, but you don't know Alice like I know Alice." "She and her mother get together on that phone, that's the end of everything." "If her mother caught a cold, she'd be on that phone 20 times a day just to say, "gesundheit."" "First thing you know, the neighbors find out I got a phone call, they start coming in here, sponging on me," ""Can I call this one up?" "Can I call that one up?"" "Hey, uh, Ralph, that reminds me, can I use your phone?" "Didn't you just hear what I said?" "Just one call." "Is it an important call?" "Look, would-would-would-would I ask if it wasn't important?" "!" "Go ahead, but make it short." "Thank you." "Will you make the call?" "!" "Thank you." "Was that the important call you had to make?" "!" "Well, isn't knowing the right time important?" "Besides, I didn't talk too long, did I?" "You're gonna pay me for that call." "You're gonna pay me for that call." "I hate to bring this up, Ralph, but you, uh, leave me no choice." "In the past 15 years, you've used my phone a few times, you know." "All right, all right, don't throw that up to me." "Just tell me how many times I used it, and I'll pay you for it." "All right, I'll tell you." "You owe me $176.30." "Let me have that, and I'll check it with my figures." " Oh, no, you don't." "What do you mean, no, I don't?" " Yup." "Oh." "What was that?" "I'll tell you what that is." "She wanted to find out if I'm still here." "She can't wait to get on that phone and start gabbing with everybody." "Of course she won't get on the phone." "Don't be silly." "She's gonna run up a big bill" "when you go away or something?" "All right, pal." "We'll make believe we're going out bowling, and as soon as I get down the street," "I'll duck into a candy store and make a call." "I'll call this number, and I'll bet you ten dollars that it's busy." ""Bensonhurst 0-7741" "Take your bag." "We're going bowling now, Alice." "Be back later." "(knocking on door)" "Minute." "Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson." "Hello." "I-I'm sorry to bother you, Mrs. Kramden, but I was hoping maybe you could help me." "Oh, sure." "What's the matter?" "Well, a friend of mine's baby-sitter disappointed them, and-and, well, I was hoping you might know someone." "Oh, gee, I'd love to help you out, but, uh," "I don't know anyone." "See, uh..." "Wait a minute." "How much does a baby-sitter get?" "50 cents an hour, and these people only live three blocks from here." "Mrs. Simpson, I'll do it." "Oh, that's fine!" "What's your telephone number?" " Well, have you got a pencil in there?" "Yes." "Yes, I have." "In here." " Bensonhurst..." "Mm-hmm." " Bensonhurst..." "Bensonhurst..." " zero. .." "zero..." "77..." "77..." "41." "41." "And by the way, before I forget, since I don't want Ralph to know about this, could you ask your friends to call me before 6:00?" "Because that's when he usually gets home." "Oh, sure, I understand." "Now, these people that you're sitting for tonight" "are the Bartfelds." "Uh-huh." "And they live at 383 Himrod Street." " Uh-huh." "Apartment 4-D." "383." "I'll remember that, and I can be there in about 15 minutes." "Oh, that'll be fine, Mrs. Kramden." "How can I ever thank you?" "Oh, Mrs. Simpson, I can't thank you enough." " Well, good-bye." "Good-bye." "You tell them I'll be right over." " Yes, I will." "Okay." "(humming "We're in the Money")" "So, you heard me coming, huh, and got off the phone." "Ralph, I wasn't on the phone." "Don't stand there and give me a bare-faced alibi like that, that you weren't on the phone!" "I've been calling this number the last 15 minutes, and it's been busy!" "If I called Bensonhurst 0-7740 once," "I called it 400 times, and each time it was busy!" "Bensonhurst 0-7740?" " That's right, and each time it was busy." "Mm-hmm." "Well, our number is Bensonhurst 0-7741." "I want to tell you something, Ralph." "We've had our differences before." "We've argued, and we've fought and everything else, but everything was always out in the open." "Each one knew how the other one felt." "But this rushing in here like this, why didn't you just come in and ask me if I was on the phone?" "Didn't you think I'd tell you the truth, Ralph?" "Guess I had the wrong number." "(chuckles)" "I guess I married the wrong number, Ralph." "(door opens and closes)" "That the way you want it, Mr. Bartfeld?" "That's fine, Frank." "That's fine." " Thank you." "Okay." "How'd you like the show last night?" "Oh, great, Harvey, just great." "The wife and I have a date tonight." "When I called her from the office this afternoon, she still hadn't found a sitter." "Say, why don't you call the woman we used last night?" " Oh?" "Oh, she's very, very nice." " Very, very good." "Well, what's her name?" "Uh, A-Alice Kramden." "She lives right near you, too." "Look, uh, uh, I'll give you her phone number." "Hey, that sounds great." "I'll write it down in my book as soon as I get out of the chair here." "Great." "Oh, hi." "The other barber'll be here in just a minute." "Okay, pal." "Norton, are you sure this is gonna work?" "Don't you think I ought to call her up and see if she's still steamed at me?" "Oh, no, I like this way better." "Complete surprise." "You walk in there with flowers, candy, smooth-shaved, you know, the skin a woman loves to touch." "It'll work." "But suppose it doesn't work?" "What do you got to lose?" "You can smell the flowers, eat the candy, and tomorrow morning, you don't have to shave. (chuckles)" "I guess maybe you're right." "After I tell her she can keep the phone, that ought to please her." "Certainly, and w-w-wait'll she finds out that you're giving up the lodge meeting night to take her to the floor show at the Hong Kong Gardens." "You're a cinch!" " You're right." "Who's next?" " That's me, pal." "Here." " Haircut?" "No, just a shave." "(Norton whistles softly)" "What's the matter with you?" "Don't you realize that this is this man's place of business?" "How would you like him to come down to the sewer where you work and help himself to anything down there?" "Help himself to what?" "Will you sit down and read a magazine?" "Hey, Ralph, Esquire." " Va-va-va-voom!" "Will you sit down?" "Hot towel." "All done, Mr. Wohlstetter." "Fine." "Here you are, friend." "Thank you." "I better give you that phone number now, Harvey." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "Look, uh, you think she's free tonight?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Look, her husband's busy on Mondays," "Thursdays and Fridays, you know?" " Just make sure you call before 6:00." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, here you are." "Let's see now." "Oh, there it is, see?" "The phone number is Bensonhurst zero... 7741." " Got it?" "And her name is Alice Kramden." "Mm-hmm." "Alice?" "!" "Who was that guy?" "Wohlstetter, Harvey Wohlstetter." " Harvey Wohlstetter, huh?" "Wait, wait, wait a minute, wait." "Leave me alone." "I'm gonna take him apart!" "Wait a minute, Ralph." "Maybe he's talking about some other Alice Kramden." "Another Alice Kramden?" "With Bensonhurst zero?" "!" "Remember, last night you were wrong." "Maybe you're right..." "but I got to find out." "Wait a minute." "If you go home now and accuse her of anything, and she's not wrong, she'll never forgive you!" "All right." "But I just got to go home and find out." " I won't let on." "Listen, listen..." "I'll walk in, I'll be cheerful, happy, pleasant." "But the most important thing of all, when you walk in there, don't let her suspect that anything is wrong." "I won't, I'll be pleasant." "I'll be smiling." "Wait a minute." "That'll be a dead giveaway." "Why don't you walk in like you always do?" "Leave me alone." "Yes, Mr. Wohlstetter, I have a pad... pad and pencil now." "Uh-huh." "465 Van Buren Street." "Apartment 3-C." "Uh-huh." "Oh, dear, that's awfully early." "You see, my husband isn't home from work yet, and I have to give him his supper and..." "I'll make it as soon as I can." "Uh, uh, uh, g-good-bye." "(Alice chuckles nervously)" "Hi, sweetie." "Hello." "Who were you talking to on the phone?" "Oh, that?" "That was nobody, Ralph." " That was a wrong number." "Oh, a wrong number?" "Uh-huh." "Guess you get a lot of wrong numbers now that you got a phone, huh?" " Yes, you'd be surprised." "Uh-huh." "Well, uh, your supper's ready." " How about eating?" "I'm not hungry yet." "You're always hungry as soon as you come home from work, Ralph." "Yeah, I know, but I thought tonight I'd just sit down and relax a little bit before I ate." "All right, you just relax." "Are you hungry yet?" "What is this big rush to get me to eat?" "Well, there isn't any rush, Ralph." "I just know it's your lodge meeting night, and you always like to get there on time." "Oh." "Well, I'll go in and put my uniform on." "ALICE:" "All right." "Uh-huh." "Here's your juice, Ralph." "You can come on over and..." "There you go." "Better eat your soup while it's hot." "It's too hot to eat." "Oh, well, then you shouldn't eat it if it's that hot." "Here, dear." "Here you go." "What would you like for dessert, Ralph?" " Dessert?" "Yeah." "Look, why don't you give me some cornflakes and cream, and we can take care of tomorrow's breakfast, too, while we're at it?" "What is this rush?" " Was I rushing you?" "Were you rushing me?" "What have you got to do that you want me to hurry up like this?" "Well, all right, Ralph," "I might as well tell you the truth." "I know it's your lodge meeting night, so there's a movie that I want to see, and I just thought I'd catch the early show." " Oh, you're going to a movie?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I'll tell you what." "Maybe I won't go to the lodge meeting tonight." "I'll go to the movie with you." "Oh, no, Ralph, I wouldn't do that." "I wouldn't disturb your going to the lodge meeting for the world." "And besides, you wouldn't like this movie." " What's the name of it?" " It's, uh... (chuckling):" "I don't know." "Oh, you're right, I'd hate that one." "Ralph, I mean, I don't know the name of the movie, but, you know, it's a love story, and I know you have no interest in love stories." "Guess maybe you're right." "Well, go ahead." "I don't want to hold you up." "Oh, you're a dear, Ralph." " Have a good time." "Thank you, darling, I will." "I bet you will." "Norton!" "Norton!" "What do you want, Ralph?" "Come on down!" "(Ralph yells)" "What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack or something?" "Make some noise when you walk in here." " Where's Alice?" "Where's Alice?" "She went over to see Harvey Wohlstetter." "That's where she is." "She told you that?" "Oh, no, she didn't say that." "Made up some lie about going to the movies, you know." "Didn't even know the name of it." "What are you gonna do?" "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "I got his address out of the telephone book." "I am now going over and take him apart, piece by piece." "And when I finish with that snake in the grass," "I'm gonna tell Alice once and for all, that's it, I never want to see her again." "I got along without her before I got married to her, and I'll get along without her again." "Let's just say, it's all over, it's through, done with." "Norton, I don't want to lose her." "Well, I hope he doesn't lose her." "She's such a good cook." "Well, here's to you, Helen." "May the next ten years be as wonderful as these have been." "(doorbell rings)" "Mm, I'll get it." " Mrs. Kramden?" "Yes." " Come in, won't you?" "Uh-huh." "I'm Harvey Wohlstetter." "This is my wife, Helen." " Hello." "Hello." "I'm sorry if I've kept you." "Oh, no, th-that's fine, that's fine." " Look, sweetie, we better go, huh?" "Uh-huh." "All right, Mrs. Kramden, I'll look and see if Harvey Jr.'s still awake." "He's sound asleep." "You know, he always sleeps right through." "You won't have any trouble with him at all." " Well, I'll look in on him later, anyway." "Good." " Have a good time." "Thank you very much." " Good night." "Good night." "Night." "(doorbell rings continuously)" "Aha!" "Well!" "Ralph, what are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "Don't you think the shoe should be on the other foot?" "I don't have to ask you what you're doing here." "Well, isn't this cozy." "Cocktail time, huh?" " Well, where is he?" "Where is who?" " Where is Harvey?" "Harvey?" "!" "Yeah." "Harvey." " I want to see Harvey." "Listen... (yelling):" "Come on out of there, Harvey!" "Come on, Harve!" "I know you're in there, Harvey!" " Ralph, you're making a very big mistake." "I am?" "If you'll just let me explain this..." "Wait till you see the mistake I make out of Harvey!" "If you don't come out of there, Harvey," "I'm coming in after you!" "Come on, Harve!" "Happy?" "You happy now, you woke him up?" "What is that?" "That's Harvey Wohlstetter, Jr." "I'm taking care of him." "You mean, you're baby-sitting?" "That's right, baby-sitting." "Come on, sweetheart, go back to bed. (grunts)" "Gee, I never knew Davy Crockett was so fat." "(door closes)" "Guess I made a little mistake." "You don't have to say anything, Ralph, because most of this was my fault." "I never should've tried to hide it from you." "I just thought that if I did a little baby-sitting a few nights a week, I could pay for the phone myself." "That way you wouldn't have the worry of the added expense." "But I never should've done it without telling you." "Ah... you were right, honey." "You're always right." "It's just unfortunate that you got a clam like me for a husband, that's all." "I don't know what's the matter with me." "I don't think there's anybody that's got a better wife than I got." "But I got to run around acting like a maniac all the time, screaming, accusing, yelling." "I only do it for one reason:" "I'm so much in love with you that... the slightest thing makes me jealous." "Just thinking of you looking at another guy... drives me nuts." "Ralph, we have a phone now, so you can call and tell me as often as you want." "Baby, you're the greatest."