"Looks like the ruddy Krauts are on their way to a costume party." "The elite SS-- animals!" "Colonel Deutsch, I'm Colonel Klink." "This is indeed a great honor." "I know." "To have one of the truly great war heroes right here in Stalag 13 is a personal honor for me." "You know, I've heard so much about you, sir." "I cannot say the same about you." "What would they be doing here?" "Maybe they came to capture us again." "Very thorough, the Germans." "Sir, to what do I owe this great honor?" "A warning, Klink." "Tomorrow my regiment will be conducting training exercises nearby, and I want you to keep all your personnel out of the area." "Sir, I can assure you there will be no interference." "Schultz, notify the guards." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "So, those are the pigs in your pigpen, huh?" "( chuckles ):" "Well, I suppose, if you want to call it that." "DEUTSCH:" "Tell me something." "Do the swine ever give you any trouble, eh?" "KLINK:" "Colonel Deutsch, in over 200 attempts, we have never had a successful escape from Stalag 13." "Uh-huh." "I never worry about prisoners." "I never take any." "You don't?" "I like my enemy only one way." "Dead." "Colonel!" "What are you... ( Deutsch laughing )" "Oh, Colonel, you seem to have dropped something." "My compliments, Colonel." "That is one of the grenades we will be using in our war games." "Tell me something, how did you know it was a blank?" "Easy." "If it were a live grenade, you would've been the first to run." "You see, both you and I know you're not a member of a superrace." "After our war games," "I shall teach you respect for the SS." "I doubt it." "KLINK:" "Medic!" "Medic!" "Get him off me!" "( Klink gasping )" "Sir, you did us proud out there." "KINCH:" "Yeah, you really told those smug supermen." "All right, hold it, let's give credit where credit's due." "It was a beautiful practical joke." "But we may have the last laugh." "If you have a nasty plan for them, count us in." "The war games they're having tomorrow." "I see casualties, lots of casualties." "Casualties in war games?" "Aw, a few get hurt, sir, but..." "I see a lot more than a few." "You want us to take on a whole SS regiment?" "No." "We let them take on each other." "Now, picture, if you will, the fascinating consequences if this dummy ammunition used in the war games is sprinkled with a goodly amount of the real McCoy." "Hey, that's a smashing idea!" "It sure is!" "When they start going boom-boom, they really go boom-boom!" "Sort of a do-it-yourself massacre." "Colonel Hogan, you're a genius, a diabolical genius." "In school, I was voted the Most Likely to Be a Troublemaker." "But, sir, I think it's a brilliant idea, but I do have one small question." "How do we pull it off?" "Right." "All right." "We're gonna heist some live ammunition from the camp arsenal, Check." "haul it to the SS ammo dump, make the switch, Check." "and be back before roll call." "Your check just bounced." "Whenever we have visiting brass," "Klink always tightens security and doubles the guard." "You know, Kinch, that's what I hate about you." "Every time I start rolling, you make sense." "They just doubled the guard." "We need a diversion." "What's going on here?" "LeBEAU:" "We were just playing ring-around-the-rosy." "What is ring-around-the-rosy?" "It's a code name, Schultz, for a secret allied operation." "No, no, no, no, no." "I don't want to hear anything." "I hear nothing!" "We had enough trouble today with those crazy SS and the hand grenade." "No!" "I'm here on, um, personal business." "Oh?" "What can we do for you, Schultz?" "I would like to buy a gift." "Well, you've come to the right place." "Newkirk, what do we got in stock?" "Well, uh, is this for a man or a lady?" "A man." "Ooh..." "Yeah, what about something nice in a watch?" "No." "He has a watch." "He's got a watch, eh?" "Hold on, hold on." "Ah." "Cigarette lighter." "Look at this." ""To H.G., from J.G."" ""To H.G., from J.G."" "What does it mean?" "Uh, to Hermann Goring, from Joseph Goebbels." "How did you get it?" "Well, it was a mad weekend I was spending at Berchtesgaden." "The wine..." "No, thank you." "I am not interested in a lighter." "How about a wallet, Schultz?" "No." "A fountain pen?" "No." "Tie clip?" "No." "Hey, Schultz, how would these suit you?" "You don't see bookends around as handsome as these." "Oh... ja, I like that." "How much?" "Well, they're five dollars, but, well, you could have them for $3.98." "I'll take it." "Here." "One, two, three, four." "You can keep the two cents as a tip." "You're all heart." "You want them gift-wrapped?" "No, thank you, I'll do it myself." "Oh, that will look nice on Commandant Klink's desk." "Oh, Schultz, Colonel Klink?" "Ja." "He has birthday today." "That's funny-- he didn't tell me." "Why should he tell you?" "( chuckles )" "A dear friend you are not." "You know, he's right." "A dear friend I'm not-- but I'm gonna be." "What do you mean, Colonel?" "Gentlemen, I think we have just found our diversion." "Make sure that goes right out, hmm?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Oh, hi, Hilda." "HILDA:" "Guten Tag, Colonel." "Colonel Hogan?" "Starlight Mist?" "Ja, that's right." "What can I do for you, Colonel Hogan?" "You usually wear Fragrance of Paradise or Evening Passion." "I never thought you noticed." "Colonel Hogan!" "Just a minute, sir." "You know, I like Fragrance of Paradise and Evening Passion, but this one's the best yet." "It's a little bit strong, but it has a delicate, soft quality." "Don't you agree, Colonel Klink?" "Well, personally, I prefer Fragrance of Paradise." "You see, it's not quite so heavy and..." "Hogan, whatever kind of perfume my secretary wears is none of your concern." "Now, state your business!" "No business, sir." "Just dropped by to offer you congratulations." "Congratulations for what?" "I heard it was your birthday." "Yes, it is." "How many years has it been today, sir?" "Now, that's none of your business." "Let me guess." "I'd say 38 years." "( chuckles ):" "So, uh, you think I'm 38 years old, huh?" "Thirty-seven?" "Today I am 50 years old." "You're kidding!" "That is right." "Oh, I'd never guess it to look at you." "Oh, it doesn't surprise me that" "I'm such a youthful- looking man." "That is the way we Germans live." "A healthy mind and a healthy... body." "I, uh, I guess you have discovered the-the, uh, secret of eternal youth." "Thank you, Hogan." "Yeah, uh, the men and I were talking, sir, and, uh, we'd like to make sure that your birthday celebration is a memorable one." "Why would you want to do something for me, your most hated enemy?" "Hated enemy, true, but an enemy we've learned to respect for the fearsome man that you are." "Oh, that's very touching, Colonel Hogan, but, uh, I'm afraid there won't be a celebration." "I cannot afford to let down my vigilance even for one minute." "Now, uh..." "I may allow myself to have a quiet dinner with a few members of my staff, perhaps... a glass of wine, a birthday toast, but then, back to work we go." "There go our big plans." "Uh, wait, Hogan!" "What, uh..." ""big plans" did you have in mind, eh?" "Oh, we were going to put on a show, just for you." "A show?" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, now, wait, wait." "Wait, Hogan." "You were going to put on a show just for me?" "As you said, you've got a camp to take care of so you can't let down your guard one minute." "Oh, wait, Hogan." "Wait." "I don't think I would be letting down my guard if I permitted this show." "No, your men would be right under my nose all night long." "What possible mischief could they cause?" "You're right, sir." "I never looked at it that way." "Very well, Hogan." "If you are so anxious to honor me, I, I think it would be ungracious of me not to accept." "The men would welcome the opportunity to please you, sir." "I would like to invite" "Colonel Deutsch here for the festivities." "Oh, he would never come." "I don't think he likes me very much." "That's hard to believe, sir." "You know..." "I bet, uh... he'd come if Hilda went with a personal invitation." "After all, she's wearing Starlight Mist." "Yes." "And he'd probably welcome the chance for an evening of relaxation." "Might even put in a good word for you at the High Command." "Hogan, that is a splendid idea." "This whole evening could become quite a diversion." "You took the words right out of my mouth." "All right, now, the main thing is to keep them entertained till the job is done." "We don't want our audience walking out on us." "I will personally hold them spellbound with my repertoire of songs, dances and snappy patter." "I can hardly wait." "The main thing is, keep them entertained till I get back." "Uh-oh." "Bad news, Colonel." "Sergeant Richter's in charge of the guard detail at the arsenal tonight." "Old Ironsides." "There goes our timetable." "We'll have to make sure there's a change in the guard." "Who do we get?" "Schultz." "Schultz." "Schultz." "Schultz." "Where did you get this?" "Oh, I found it over there lying on the ground." "We do not keep bullets lying on the ground." "I found it over there." "You did not!" "We are a very neat army." "You have any more?" "No, that was the only one over there." "( growling )" "There was nothing else there." "Newkirk..." "How did I know the blooming bullet could breed?" "Now, Colonel Hogan," "I hold you completely responsible for this." "Where did you get this ammunition?" "I warn you, we have ways to make you talk." "Sir, you've been seeing too many war movies." "Silence!" "Now, where did you get these bullets?" "( sighs )" "Oh, all right, he got them from the arsenal." "Arsenal?" "Our arsenal?" "I think it was yours, sir." "There was a German guard standing in front of it." "Newkirk, how'd you get past the guard?" "He was dozing, sir." "Schultz!" "Who's guarding the arsenal?" "Sergeant Richter." "Have him report to me immediately." "How dare he sleep on duty!" "HOGAN:" "He'll deny it, of course." "Colonel Hogan, just leave the handling of my men to me." "Your involvement in this little escapade is over, and, unfortunately for you, it has ended in failure." "Yeah, no thanks to old eagle-eye Schultz." "With him around, we can't get away with anything." "Schultz!" "Until further notice, you are assigned to the arsenal." "I'll miss your birthday party." "Dismissed." "Happy birthday." "I'll miss the birthday party and I'll miss the cake when I'm guarding..." "Colonel Hogan." "Causing such trouble on my birthday" "I don't think that's very nice." "You know, sometimes I just hate myself." "Achtung!" "And imagine, I was just going to have a simple dinner and these fellows have decided to do a whole complete show just for me." "Isn't that wonderful?" "I hope these seats are comfortable." "Yes?" "( applause and cheers )" "Hold it down." "Come on, pipe down." "Show's just about to begin." "( accordion playing sprightly tune )" "* Hello!" "* * Hello!" "* We hope you'll like our show *" "* We hope..." "* We hope..." "* We hope..." "* We hope..." "* We hope you like our show" "* The show *" "* You know *" "* Is for you Colonel Klink" "* A toast... * * A toast..." "* A toast... * * A toast..." "* A happy birthday drink" "* We'll sing" "* And joke *" "* And entertain you folk *" "* You'll laugh *" "* Scream * Cry * Sigh" "* And absolutely die!" "* So please don't go *" "* Please stay and see our show *" "* We hope..." "* We hope..." "* We hope..." "* We hope..." "* Stay and see our show!" "*" "( applause )" "( whistles and cheers )" "Weren't they marvelous?" "You didn't think it was funny?" "Wagner, it was not." "Evening, lady and gents." "Now you're probably all wondering what we're doing here gathered in the middle of Germany." "Well, now I can tell you." "We've been captured." "I must say, that's very funny." "It's not, no." "I shall now give you my world famous impersonations of..." "Sidney Greenstreet, Peter Lorre and Humphrey Bogart in a scene from any of their films." "Sidney's the first one to speak." "Are you game, sir?" "I really can't." "( as Bogart ):" "Well, it's pretty hard to refuse when the invitation is engraved on a .45 automatic." "( laughing )" "( as Lorre ):" "I asked you to come along quietly, didn't I?" "( as Greenstreet ):" "Wilmer, Wilmer, I told you no guns, sir." "( as Lorre ):" "Yes, I know, but... ( as Greenstreet ):" "Shut up, Wilmer." "Tell me, sir." "Do you wish to ask me a question?" "( as Lorre ):" "Yes, sir." "Might... ( as Greenstreet ):" "Wilmer!" "( as Bogart ):" "Yeah, I got a question for you, fatso." "Sprechen ze Deutsche?" "( as Greenstreet ):" "Fluently, sir, fluently." "( as Bogart ):" "Then dropenze dead." "( laughter )" "And now, on with our show, the first act of the evening, an international star, the toast of Paris," "Corporal Louis LeBeau." "Let's hear it." "( band playing )" "Uh, if you'll excuse me," "I'll check how things are going backstage." "* Alouette, gentil alouette" "* Alouette, je te plumerai" "* Je te plumerai la tête *" "* Je te plumerai la tête *" "* Je te plumerai les yeux *" "* Je te plumerai les yeux... *" "It's going to take some doing, you know, sir, keeping that Colonel Deutsch happy for two hours." "I mean, if our boys start tossing things, it's only insulting, but if, but if he doesn't like the show, he's going to start tossing hand grenades." "Better go do your magic act." "Keep it rolling." "Don't worry, sir." "We'll stand on our heads if we have to." "You're a credit to show biz." "* Je te plumerai le bec" "* Je te plumerai le cou" "* Et la tête * * Et la tête *" "* Et les yeux * * Et les yeux" "* Et le bec * Et le bec" "* Et le cou *" "* Et le cou" "* Oh..." "Alouette, gentil alouette *" "* Alouette, je te plumerai" "* Oh..." "Alouette, gentil alouette... *" "* Oh, Alouette, je te plumerai.... *" "Hey, Schultz." "Halt." "Who goes there?" "The Kaiser." "Hey, trigger-happy, it's only me." "Yeah, what are you doing here?" "I thought you were at the show." "I felt terrible about you missing the festivities, so I brought you a piece of cake." "Oh, they cut the cake already?" "No, not yet" " I snitched you a piece." "They had a figure of Hitler's face, and right in the corner," "I snitched off a piece of the mustache." "Nobody will ever notice." "Oh, it looks beautiful!" "I'll save it for later." "Why later?" "Eat it now." "Come on, relax." "I'm on duty." "What can happen?" "The boys are at the show." "Come on, they can't cause you any trouble." "Sit down." "Well, I'm-I'm a little bit hungry." "You always are, Schultz." "Mmm..." "* Alouette, alouette, alouette" "* Je te plumerai, te plumerai, te plumerai *" "* Te plumerai, te plumerai, te plumerai, te plumerai... *" "( applause )" "Well, Schultz," "I better be getting back." "It was nice having this chat with you." "Thank you, Colonel Hogan, this... is wunderbar!" "That's the way I am." "I worry about people, Schultz." "Good night." "Good night." "NEWKIRK ( in distance ):" "Will you look in your right-hand jacket pocket right now, sir." "You will find a card there, which you selected, sir, and I believe that card was... the seven of diamonds." "Am I correct, sir?" "Show the crowd, then, please." "( audience cheering )" "He's rather good, you know." "Klink..." "All these years in the rear echelon have not only softened your body, they have softened your brain." "He is terrible." "Yes, sir, actually, he's terrible, when you begin to analyze it." "I think I have had just about enough of this kinderspiel." "Uh, un moment, sir." "Please, you're leaving before my world-famous hat trick, sir." "I've been saving this for you." "Now, I'll need one gent's hat." "May I, sir?" "Of course, not, Newkirk!" "Oh, give him your hat, Klink." "Huh?" "If you'll just hold it like this, sir." "Now, please notice, here I have one chicken's egg." "Eins..." "Voilà." "Zwei." "Two." "May I, sir?" "( grunts )" "Covering with a colorful kerchief... all a part of the act, sir." "Open the gates for Colonel Deutsch." "Don't stand there." "Schnell!" "Eins, zwei, drei, vier." "Make both those eggs disappear." "Hocus-pocus, fish bones choke us." "I call upon... the seven-year locust." "And I believe, sir, you will find that the eggs are gone and your hat is clean." "Voilà." "( laughs )" "Now, now, that I like, very much." "Newkirk, how dare you!" "All right!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "We've got work to do!" "Move it!" "Schnell!" "( playing fanfare )" "They got a cake just for me." "Happy birthday, sir!" "Happy birthday, sir!" "Happy birthday." "Oh, it is a beautiful cake, gentlemen." "Beautiful." "Make a wish, sir, and then blow them out." "Yes, sir." "Very well." "( nervous laughter )" "Klink, you are a disgrace to the physical fitness of the German army." "I don't understand, sir, I..." "You'll blow your brains out, sir." "They'll stay lit." "They're trick candles." "Trick candles?" "Oh, we knew you'd enjoy it, sir, with your marvelous sense of humor." "All right, fellows, let's hear it!" "* For he's a jolly good fellow *" "* For he's a jolly good fellow *" "* For he's a jolly good fellow" "* Which nobody can deny." "( knocking )" "Come in." "You wanted to see me, Colonel?" "Ah, Colonel Hogan." "I just want to thank you again for last night." "Oh, our pleasure." "I truly enjoyed myself, and I hope that Colonel Deutsch got something out of it." "I'm quite sure he did, sir." "( phone ringing )" "Colonel Klink speaking." "What?" "Oh, that's terrible." "Yes, of course." "We will do everything in our power." "Yes, sir." "Heil Hitler." "( pounding phone receiver )" "Get me the hospital right away." "This is Colonel Klink speaking." "I want you to get every bit of supply to the war games area immediately." "No, don't ask any questions." "Just do what I said." "Something wrong, sir?" "A terrible tragedy just happened at the war games." "Some live ammunition got mixed up with blanks." "Oh, it must have been horrible." "A shame." "Was that Colonel Deutsch calling?" "Our entire command post was wiped out by a live grenade." "A live grenade?" "One of our crack SS units was completely put out of commission." "You know, Hogan, if you hadn't been so nice to me and put on that show last night," "I would suspect you might have had something to do with this." "On your birthday?" "I would like to buy another gift." "This time it is for my brother-in-law back home." "Always glad to do business, Schultz, especially with a steady customer." "Does he drink beer?" "( laughing )" "Does he drink beer?" "( laughing )" "All the time." "( laughing )" "Got just the thing for you." "Newkirk, get out that new beer stein we just got in." "Yes, sir." "You'll love it, Schultz, it's beautiful." "Here you are, Schultz." "It's an heirloom." "Oh, this is beautiful." "Ah..." "Oh, he would like th..." "What's the matter, Schultz?" "Something wrong?" "Oh, it has initials on it." ""A.H." A..." "Does it mean..." "Adolph..." "H-H-Hitler?" "Yeah, it's from his private collection, and for today only, Schultz, you can have it for the ridiculous low price..." "Hey!" "You know, I am going to send my brother-in-law money." "Let him buy whatever he wants." ""(End of Episode)""