"According to the Guinness Book of World Records, over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame." "But where did the viewers go?" "...his comeback tour was pulled by US promoters." "Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?" "David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy." "According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England." "The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace, after he was caught performing for a notorious warlord." "After being implicated with child abduction, is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?" " I don't do weddings!" " This wedding happens to pay £150,000." "Yorkshire is another country. "Ey-up"." "That means:" "Begin sexual intercourse." "You got a problem with people from London?" " Well, you're all twats." "Fair enough." "Agh!" "David!" "I'm literally..." " your number one fan." " Really?" "Whoa!" "In there, there's four, five scary northerners..." "Out there, there's fucking thousands of them!" "You're a dog murderer." "You killed David and now you're throwing him in the lake, like some Russian whore!" "Presents." "Oh, sorry about that!" "Totally the wrong end of the stick." "♪ [CRAZY FOR YOU!" "] ♪" "Could you just give me five minutes?" "Translation and subtitles by PEPPER  LALASPAIN *** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***" "David Hasselhoff is an ideas man." "He must send me 20 to 30 ideas a day, he's like Thomas Edison, if all of Thomas Edison's ideas were shit." "So, it's my job to tell him, that those ideas are shit." "and that he should do this job I've got him." "An advert for "Netto"." "A panto in Belgium." "Belgium, they're getting into pantos now." "That's what David should be doing!" "We inhale..." "Reach up, and we clip towards the Dock Star." " What is up with you today?" "Oh, man, I'm sorry." " Could we just call it quits?" " OK." "Yeah, I just, I got some issues I'm dealing with, anyway." "What's going on?" "I'm working on my passion project, OK?" "This means the world to me." "It's the story of T. E. Lawrence." " The porn guy?" " No, that's D. H. Lawrence." "This is the story of Lawrence of Arabia." "I'm writing the play, so..." "I turned in my first draft to Max." " And what did Max say?" " Not interested." "Nobody would ever finance a project like that." "That is typical Max." "I mean, I was born to play Lawrence of Arabia!" "You ever heard of a geezer called Bunny Vasilis?" "He's a billionaire." "And he funds all sorts of hairy-fairy shit." "He financed Cirque Du Soleil, he bailed out the Italian government and best of all..." "He plays paddle ball with Lionel Richie." "Bunny is big time." "And I've got him in." "Max doesn't believe in the play because Max doesn't like it when David stretches himself." "The thing is with Max, it's all about a quick buck." "He doesn't want David to stretch himself and build something." "I mean, Hoff is a man of surprises, you know what I mean?" "Yeah, he can sing, yeah, he can dance..." "Yeah, he can fight, yeah, he can... fuck." "You know what I mean?" "But, I didn't know he could write." "I didn't know that by him." "You know what I mean?" "I just..." "I thought he was illiterate for a long time." "Erm, but he's got a nice little pen game." ""I'm wearing Arab robes," "I've crossed the entire Sahara desert," "I haven't had a drink of water in over four days." "At this point he's probably drinking his own piss, he's parched..." "I reached the British Embassy, I said, "My name is T. E. Lawrence"." "The sentry says, "I have never heard of you"." "And then I say, in a British accent," ""Soon the entire British Empire, will know my name"." "So, it's universal, no matter who you are, race, creed, color, how much money you have..." "We're all the same." "David, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me..." "Are you completely out of your fucking mind?" "Yes." "Great!" "That's just what I wanted to hear." "How much money do you need?" "1.2 million pounds to do the project properly." "Yeah." "OK, it's fine." "Wait, did you just say you are actually gonna give us the money?" "Yes, I am." " Ha, ha, ha..." " Right!" "Let's put on a show, but first, let's have some fun." "1.2 million pounds!" "You can plot a play on for like..." "What, 500 quid?" "The rest of that is ours!" "I'm gonna buy a boat!" "This is one of my favourite venues in the whole of London." "I bring many of my esteemed guests here," "Berlusconi... funny guy." "Ban Ki-moon and of course, your George Osborne." "Super crazy guy." "And now, we have my David." "I'd like to propose a toast, to David Hasselhoff, to the West End and beyond." " Yeah!" " To the West End and beyond!" "Have you lot seen these mini hot dogs?" "Look at the size of them!" "They're fucking mental!" "Yes!" "Money can do different things to people, it can make people act strange," "You know what I mean?" "But I think sometimes you need the money, to make you realize, like, there's other lifestyles out there." "You know what I mean?" "I've just been living in Sutton the whole time, going to the same kebab-shop all my whole life." "I've never experienced this, like, Bunny showed me another side of the other side of the tracks." "Rebecca tells me that you used to be a scientist working on a cure for malaria." "I was only really a very junior member of the team." "Never be modest, celebrate your achievements." "That's a really nice watch." "It's a Platinum Rolex." "You want it?" "Have it." "What?" "Me?" "Bunny is incredible." "Bunny's grabbed life by the balls and that's what I'm gonna do." "Wake up everyday, find life's balls and grab them." " Now, go and have some fun." " OK!" " Let's go!" "OK, everybody!" "Good evening!" "My name DJ Die..." "I am the anti-Christ!" "So, you're a bit of a ladies' man, Terry, yeah?" "Are you also a player?" "A player recognized a player, bring it in!" "Oh, mate, you know, Terry loves the ladies, the ladies love Terry, do you know what I mean?" "Oh, my daze!" "Is that Tulisa?" "Mate, I love her!" "Hello?" "Bunny's at the bar." "He'd like a word with you." "Come over." "Oh, yeah, of course I can." "I'll be there in one sec." "Cool!" " Hello Bunny!" " Hey!" " Good to see you." "Muah." " Muah" " Little T-Girl." "I missed you." " Baby, how are you?" " How have you been?" "I want you to meet the very cool and sophisticated guy, Terry." "Erm..." "So..." "My name's Tulis..." "Terry." "Ahm..." "Erm.. t... say..." "Sorry, I can't even hear you." "Let me get a bit closer." "What have you been up to this evening?" "(INDISTINCT, NERVOUS MUTTERING)" "Say..." "I got... just..." "So..." "Sorry, I've got to run." "Is that the competition winner?" "Let's go have a drink, yeah?" "I read the script again, and I love it, you were Moses the first time." "Thank you, I've been working really hard on it this time." "Now you know me, David," "I've managed some of the top hedge funds in the world, so..." "I know how these things work." "I think we need to make a few changes just to make the play even better." " OK." " The whole thing needs to be livened up." " How?" " We need some explosives, we need some car chases." "Have you seen "Transformers:" "Age of Extinction"?" "That's a Michael Bay film." "I'm running a play." "OK, David, I need to have... an explosion in a fucking plane." "I know, but this is a life story about a man," "He's a legend and we gotta stay true to the story." "Like the thing you did in "Knight Rider"?" "Knight Rider was fictional." "Was it?" "Yes!" "And the other thing is..." "I think the play needs some songs." "Songs?" "You know the band "Roxette"?" "Yea..." "Yeah!" "I own the entire back-catalogue." "I have all the rights." "I want you to try and fit some Roxette songs into the play." "No!" "It's gonna make the play complete ridiculous." "David, if we make the changes, then the more people will see your play and the more people will hear your message." "I..." "I..." "I don't know." "Look at these guys, look..." "These are your friends, look at the super fun they are having." "This is fantastic." "This is the life they want to live." "This is why we must make the change." "All right." "I can't promise anything but I'll try." "That is my little Michael Knight." "Sorry to interrupt." "Bunny, you've got a call from the President of Uganda." "He says it's a matter of life or death." "This guy, he's calling me all the time, he's been fighting with these Sulings around him." "He's fucking savage." "Joshua!" "Hello!" "You will not believe!" "I'm the Hasselhoff, Mister David." "David has a wonderful vision, he's a talented man but he has..." "He's... held back some times by this quality of... integrity, this search for integrity." "And this is gone now, this is gone..." "No, '83, '84, this is gone." "Now it's the time to make the money, to enjoy your retirement, to spend time with the pretty girls." ""Desert, and..."" "Oh, I don't know how to put a song in this and a...car chase." "This is ridiculous." "I can't do this!" "Come on, Dad, you need to think outside the box." "What if they give Lawrence a jet pack?" " A jet pack?" " Yeah, like in "Iron Man"." "Are you serious?" "Alright, two words:" "sex scenes." " Sex scenes and a jet pack?" " Yeah!" "Bunny wanted to sex it up and I can understand where he's coming from, you know what I mean, nowadays..." "I mean, I actually read a survey and it said that the attention span of the man is around three seconds, so you have to constantly show him tits," "You know what I mean?" "And I think that's what we need for the play." "I'm sort of on Bunny's side, like, have you ever seen a normal play?" "Every play I've sat through would be improved by a car chase." "And there's no disrespect to Shakespeare." "Wow!" "Hello?" "It's Bunny!" "Hi, David!" "I wanna discuss the play some more, can we meet up tonight?" "No, I really wanna discuss the changes now." " Hey, Bunny!" " Hey, Bunny!" "It's Harriet and Dieter!" " Hi, guys!" "So, you want to come out tonight and party?" " Yes, I think we do!" " Yeah, we do!" "OK, great, I'll pick you up in an hour." "No, we really need to talk about this, these are not gonna..." "Oh, he's gone." "OK, we got one hour, we need to get ready." "Come on, Dad, you make some changes, we can go party." "Go, I'll catch up with you later, OK?" "Alright, David, you big square." "Yeah..." "Square, right..." "See you, guys!" "Guys, do you think this mascara makes my eyelids bigger?" " Yeah." " Oh, pair, you look..." "Guys, just checking the time on my new watch!" " Bunny will be here soon." " All are!" "I can't believe we're going to this casino tonight!" "Do you know how difficult it is to get into that place?" "Prince Harry only gets a plus one!" "The money hasn't changed us." "D'you know what I mean?" "I always wear a satin shirt when I'm going out." "Always." "You know what I mean?" "It's like I've had the same one since Zan-E O2." "And I've never watched it." "So, it's still got all of those memories, all of those very pungent memories... inside of the fabric." "My outfit is obviously the best." "A little like a rebel snooker player." "Like judge Trump." "Bunny is starting to see our potential." "A bit embarrassing but Bunny said he wants to speak to me about setting up my music, grow more economy, invest in some C capital, MID's..." "Be so annoyed that you become the next, reggae, reggae sauce guy!" "Terry is white, white sauce!" "Come." " It's Bunny!" " Oh!" "The limo is on its way!" "Whoaaaa!" "Guys, don't you think that Bunny will be annoyed if my Dad isn't with us?" "Where's David?" "Oh, mhm..." "He had headache." "What do you mean?" "Is there a problem with the play?" "No, no, no, no..." "Everything's fine." "He said he's just finishing up a draft and then he's gonna meet us at the club later." "OK, as long as there's not a problem with the play." " No, no!" " No, everything's fine." "'Cos if there was a problem with the play," "I would have to yank out all my money, and just throw you out in Peckham." "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "I'm having a little joke here!" " OK, OK, come on, come on, guys, let's go have some super fun, yeah?" " Great!" "Get into the Bunny-Mobile." "Let's go!" "Oh, my two favourite smells, leather and pussy." "OK, guys." "Welcome...!" "To Bunny's little hole." "It's "Members only"." "Thank you." "Let's go have some fun." "Harriet, red or black?" " Erm..." "Red?" " All on to red!" "£75,000." " What?" " You just lost me £75,000." "I'm so sorry." "Come on!" "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "I am fucking with you." " OK!" " Thank you!" "My hedge fund is making 75,000 in about..." "I would say eight to nine minutes." "Relax, welcome to my world, chill out, guys!" "Rebecca's gonna give you some chips, I want you to get on the table and have some fun." "It's funny time, OK?" ""Bunny-funny"." " Thank you, Bunny." " Thanks, Bunny." " Funny guy." "So, these ones are probably worth five quid on its own, yeah?" "No." "They're worth £100." "These are worth £1,000." "And these..." "Are worth £5,000." "Good luck." "She has just given us maybe 50,000 quid." "Let's make some money." "Come on, take it." "Can I have one of those?" "No, but I have experienced that before, see, I'm more fruit-machine based." "You know what I mean?" "So, to be in a big, big casino like that..." ""Members only" as all the Bunny hole... really felt a part of something, part of a elite." "Oh, David!" "It's so great that you're here!" "We saved you some play chips." "Hey!" "It's the man of the moment." "He's the top man, he's the guest of honour." "Rebecca has just ordered some champagne..." "Vintage '67." "It's the 1964, they didn't have the '67." "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" "True, maybe '64 is a better year." " So, erm..." " Love it!" "That's it, so we're all in for a treat tonight." " Yeah." " Yeah." " OK." "David, my David, I want you to cast... my girlfriend, Ekaterina, in the play." " Mhm." " OK?" "Super hot, and she's huge on Snapchat." "Very bored as a hostess, she wants to break into acting, OK?" "Hey, Shari, come here." "Look at this..." "She was busty," "She had sort of half-sleeping eyes." "She looked hammered and I thought..." "Class!" "I think she could maybe play, the Lawrence guy, his girlfriend." "Right, well, I'm sure she's a terrific actress but," "You see, Lawrence really doesn't have a love interest in the play." "He's focused on his mission." "Can we get a voice coach to coach out her accent?" "I think we're talking about two different productions." "OK, David." "Can I let you in to a little secret?" "I've never even seen Lawrence of Arabia." "I don't give a fuck about Lawrence of Arabia..." "I don't go the theater, and I've never read any books." "I think we can make some serious money from the play, because what we're gonna do is we're gonna tore the shit out of it." "In China, OK?" "Now, the Chinese population are extreme into taste." "If they love something, then, they really fucking love it." "OK?" "Now, she hasn't got a clue who the Chinese tycoon guy is." "To them, he's just a man in suit." "I'll tell you what he do like, he likes Ekaterina, in the hot pants, because that is universal, yeah?" "Yes." "OK, it's, erm, time to go." "No, Dad, we're still having fun." "Yeah, and also, Bunny's agreed to back my malaria charity proposal, he really believes in me." "Bunny is an idiot, OK?" "He's wasted all of our time." "Come on, it's time to go home." "But Bunny says that it's really important that you do good rewrite." "He doesn't know shit about anything, OK?" "I wanna do something artistic, Dieter, I wanna do something truthful." "He just wants us to make some money, we're talking about..." "It's alright for you, isn't it?" "With your twinkly eyes and your fucking... charisma... but as soon as the little guy gets a shot of the action, then suddenly it's artistic integrity..." "David, all this time, this whole year, we have waited for someone to see the value in what we are doing." "And that someone has come and his name is Bunny." "Weirdly." "Come on!" "We can put the play on ourselves." "All right?" "Guru-style, we can put it on any..." "Stop." "Have you tasted these caviar bellinis?" "They are to die for." "Never had that before." "It was like a Ritz cracker, but with, like, shit on it." "You know what I mean?" "But nice shit." "Like... cos that's what caviar is, isn't it?" "It's fish shit." "What's wrong with you, guys?" "I'm out of here, OK?" "I'm gone!" "Who's with me?" "Erm..." "And he was trying to break it up and I love Hoff, obviously, like..." "I would literally cut my penis off for him." "But it was kind of like, you know when you got a house party, and like your mum turns up and she's like..." ""Come on, Terry, we're going home"." "Come on, Hoff, like, we're having a good time." "It was a bit of a vibe killer." "In the 1980's and the 1990's," "David, you had about 20 years of solid fun." "Well, this is our time." "This is Max Coleman's moment to have his fun!" " OK, I want to put all of my money here." " Put it all here." " That's, that's lovely." "I think I might be out of chips." "Me too." "What about you, Terry?" " I'm out, mate." " I got nothing." "Alright, I've just spoken to Bunny and he wants us to come to a meeting with him tomorrow and he wants us to bring David." "Oh..." "Argh, I guess it's all over then." "There goes my range of bespoke Danny Jones' protein shakes." "Just lost every little taste of beluga caviar, it got snatched away from me." "Hold on a minute, guys." "That's not necessarily it, is it?" "I mean, we can still go to the meeting." "What are we gonna say when Bunny says where David is?" "We'll just say that we're speaking on behalf of David." "Yeah, we got enough Hasselhoff right here." "We got a little Hoff right here, innit?" "You've just been sick, look, it's a little bit..." " Swallow it!" " Don't spit it out!" " Down it!" " That's a nosebleed." " Like a shark!" " Go on." " Down, you, sick, like a shark." "Hey, guys!" "What happened to you guys last night, huh?" "Sorry, we had to catch the last tube." "I have not heard yet of my David." "He's written a new draft of the sexy Lawrence play?" " Yes!" " Yes, he has!" " So, where is he?" "He's actually authorized us to speak on his behalf today." "I don't feel bad about going to the meeting without David." "Sometimes, what's best for him is to... is to not tell him what's best for him and just to... to do it." "I've got power of attorney." "He doesn't know that." "When the time is right..." "I'll be the one who turns off the machine." "OK, so, tell me about the new draft." " Yes." " Yes." " OK, we go in." "So..." "Lawrence of Arabia, yeah...?" "is in a casino in Cairo." "He's down on his luck." "He's bet on red but it's come out black." "Yeah, and then in walks your bird, Etcetera..." " Ekaterina." " Ekaterina." "A bomb goes off, Lawrence is thrown against the wall, we slice down the wall..." "Ekaterina's head gets knocked against the wall, she's knocked out..." "But then, they wake up, they crawl to each other's arms, it's lovely..." "Do they make love in the rubble?" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " Serious question, why can't she be killed?" "Until he avenges her death and becomes a bad angel." " D'you like that?" " I love that." " Yeah!" "That's it." " Well done." "So, what do you think?" "I think it's shit." "But I think it's gonna make a ton of money in China." "And I'm gonna finance the whole project, we're gonna have a lot of fun..." "But I have one more proviso..." "Great!" "What is it?" "I want the Hasselhoff, in the play, to bone an entire village... of the brown people, anyone in the shit..." "preferably be napalmed." "Yeah, I don't think David's going to agree to that." "OK, I can see that you guys are essentially the brains" " behind this operations, yeah?" " Yeah." "So, let me explain." "If the Hasselhoff cannot agree to the changes, then we have arranged for my dear friend, Jean-Claude Van Damme, to play the lead." " What?" " We've already spoken, he's agreed to the terms." "It's gonna be macho, it's gonna be a bit whacky, but it's gonna be super fun." "The real Van Damme?" "The real Van Damme." "Would you mind if we'd just discussed this for a moment?" "Mm-mhm." "It's exciting, yeah?" "You, me... and "The Muscles from Brussels", yap." "OK, OK, OK..." "I've done worst projects than this." "Van Damme's is a remarkably sell-out actor." "He's in my top three, you know what I mean?" "I got Liam Neeson," "Ian Beale and Van Damme." "It's a good list." "I can't believe we're thinking about doing this." "Yeah, cos what are you talking about?" "The guy has clearly lost his shit." "I mean, like, what are we becoming?" "French?" "[INDISTINCT]" "You know?" "Apart from the first 25 years of my life," "David Hasselhoff has always been there for me." "Yeah." "I mean, he's been there for all of us." "We've been blinded by Posh and Ben." "Oh, bollocks!" "We're not gonna do it, are we?" "Erm..." "We've come to a decision." "We come as a package... with David Hasselhoff." "You know what they say?" "I say:" "Fuck David Hasselhoff." "The meeting is over." "Oi!" "Fuckface!" " Yap?" " Yes, you, give me my watch back." "Call Van Damme." "Call Jean-Claude!" "Just confirm:" "Would you like to call Johnny...?" "No, call Jean..." "call Jean-Claude Van Damme!" "Calling Jean-Claude Van Damme." "Fuck!" "David?" "Where are you going?" "Home!" "Wait, Dad!" "I just want to say I'm really sorry." "No need to apologise, I'm just going back the US of A." "And then, I realized he was going and..." "Didn't feel good." "This is actually the end." "I mean, what am I going to do?" "I've got no other clients." "You know?" "I've got a meeting with a... dog, next week, he's supposed to be a good actor, apparently." "But I mean, that's it." "Come on, David, don't do that." "Obviously, you all got your individual things going on here, so, I'm out of here, all right?" "Halt!" "Who goes there?" "I am T. E. Lawrence, and I've come to speak to General Allenby." "I've never heard of you!" "Soon, everyone in the British Empire will know his name." "We worked out that there was only one way... to stop him from going, and that was... to act out... his shitty play." "All three hours of it." "Success!" "The City of Damascus has fallen!" "When you're acting it, I started to think, "You know what?"" "I've been to avante this play..." "It's very good, it's very moving." "The desert will never leave you." "It is inside of you!" "You have come from far away." "And you have given us hope." "This is your home now." "Fucking..." "I'm having goosebumps." "This is so much emotion." "We didn't want him to leave, he belongs here." "We will always treasure you... in our hearts." "And I..." "You..." "It's terrible!" "It's complete shit!" "You guys... were great." "And thank you." "But my play... my play-writing... absolutely... sucks!" "You know, Max?" "You were right." "Doing a commercial for Netto is not so bad." "And doing a panto in Belgium is not so bad." "As long as we're in it together, it's OK by me." "What do you say I stay in your country and... we all go get a non-alcoholic beer?" " Ha, ha, ha, ha!" " Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Hoff's moving on from the play-writing face of his life, they say that everyone's got in play in them." "It's just unfortunate for David that his was shit." "I think Hoff should definitely not stick to play-writing, you know, just stick to what he knows... and that's just basically cars and tits." "We're going to fucking Romania!" "Well organized, mate." "It's just the way independent films work." "It is 14 days without food or water." "Mr Hasselhoff is setting fire to my heart, and then he's urinating on the ashes." "We don't seem to be able to get the crew to stay on the dead body." "Superglue." "The director is a fricking lunatic." "I'm going home." "Bye!" "It is a haunted ancient forest, home to a lost tribal savages called "The Yesti"." "The raft just took off." "If this gets wet, I'm gonna sink like a dork." "No doubt it's blood." "Anyone out there?" "Anyone there?" "Shit!" "Translation and subtitles by PEPPER  LALASPAIN *** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***"