"Kin-Dza-Dza!" "PART ONE" "screenplay by Revaz GABRIADZE Georgi DANELIYA directed by Georgi DANELIYA camera and staging by Pavel LEBESHEV" "music by Giya KANCHELI" "Starring:" "Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov aka "Uncle Vova"" "Evgeni LEONOV as Uef ("Chatlan")" "Yuri YAKOVLEV as Be ("Patzak")" "Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan aka "Fiddler"" " Hi" " Hi" " How was your day?" " Pipes burst at Manukhin's building site" "[ Unknown and long-forgotten song from an old movie With exquisitely dumb lyrics ]" "" Mama, mama, what shall we do now?" "Winter's coming." "Freezing all day long "" "" You could use a warmer woolen scarf, and I don't have a winter coat at all "" " How's our 'excellent student'?" " He's out with friends" "Vovka!" "Go buy some bread." "I forgot" "Oh, and buy some noodles too" "Comrade, that man over there says he's from another planet." "We have to do something" "Just report him" "I will, but he's almost barefoot he'll catch a cold" " How do you do!" " How do you do" "Please excuse the bad smell" " It's cold here." "I found this in a container" " Way to go!" "Friend!" "Please tell me your planet number in Tenture, or at least the galaxy number in The Spiral" "I engaged the wrong keys and now I can't return home" "Well, my dear fellow..." "We don't remember the number" "Look, let's send this guy to the information office, and we'll wait for him together in the bakery, okay?" " You can put these on" " Uh-huh..." "Thank you" "Look, friends There's no need for a bakery... or information office" "This is my planet:" "Uzm, 247 in Tenture" "Galaxy Beta in The Spiral" "This is my space- transportation gadget" "But which keys should I engage to get transported home?" "Since time is relative..." "You do understand that, right?" "OK, my friend." "I have a proposition We "engage the keys" now... and get transported to your place" "But if your little gizmo doesn't work... you will be transported to where we transport you." "Deal?" "No, you can't do it without knowledge" "Sure we can" "And you, what do you see?" "Huh?" " Sand..." " So the frickin' gizmo worked" "And that freak with a grater, did he stay behind?" "!" "Keep calm!" "Just keep calm" "We have sun, sand..." "and we have gravity" " Where are we?" "We are on Earth, or..." " Or?" ".." "No, let's assume we're on Earth, in some desert." "Right?" "Say, Karakum." "Huh?" "What other deserts do we have?" " Gobi, Sahara..." " I said *we* have!" "We also have..." "Kyzylkum" "No We'll assume it's Karakum." "Huh?" "So, the sun is to the west, Ashgabad-city must be there" "Understood?" "Let's go" "Come on!" "Let's go" "Comrade, what is your name?" "Vladimir Nikolaevich" " My name is Gedevan - 'Pleased to meet you'" "You have a bottle in your bag." "Is it wine?" "Nah..." "It's vinegar" "I also have some herbs and spices" "We're all set then" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember the number he mentioned?" " The man I gave my sock to" " No" "Maybe we're on his planet?" "Listen, Fiddler..." "We can guess all we want That won't change a frickin' thing!" "We've chosen a direction and we keep walking" "We just need to get to the water." "Clear?" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, I want to change into slippers" " Well, do it!" " Stop walking please!" " What time is it?" " Four" " In the morning?" " In the morning" "Are you late for something?" "It's embarrassing..." "I called from the airport, said I'd be there in an hour, and..." " You study music?" " No." "It's not mine" "It was Maestro Ragosin" "He was on tour in my hometown, and after the concert... they forgot to put the violin on the plane" " Banquet?" " Nah, just a dinner" " Oh..." "Are you from Tbilisi?" " From Batumi [in Georgia]" "I thought I'd return the violin and still catch the train to my college" " I study Textile Manufacturing" " Uh-huh..." "I wanted to study International Relations in Moscow, but there they told me..." "Quiet!" "A man" " "Koo"" " Hello" "A capitalist country" "Do you speak any foreign languages?" "English, a little French" "Tell them we have no money" "Tell them now!" "It's not a free show" "" Gentlemen!" "Sorry, we haven't money ...now "" "How do you do!" "We are tourists We lost our group" "Please give us a ride to the nearest city, and we'll find our way from there" "Translate" "Hello" "We have no money" "We left money, passports and foreign currency with our guide" "We stepped aside for a moment and got lost in the sands" "It's yours." "Very warm" "Sorry?" "You want my hat?" "Here you go" "It's not mine, I can't give it away" " There's nothing in there" " Open it" "It's not wine, it's vinegar" "Sour, isn't it?" "So that's settled then?" "Friend, will you give us a ride?" "Fiddler, hurry up" "Just to the nearest city, we'll be all right there" "What?" "my jacket?" "Jerks..." "Glad I didn't give them the violin" "Looks like they're sorry" ""Ketze" what?" "I think he wants a match" "You want a match?" "Here" "The whole box?" "You get us out of here, and we'll give you the "koo"" "Not a single letter, not a single "Made in", heh?" "Sorry, I don't understand" "" Sprechen Sie Turkisch? "" "What do they want?" "It's "koo" they want" "Thank you" "He wants me to put on a bell" "He'll get over it" "I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich It's getting too awkward" "Whatever" "All right, you win" "I'll just have a smoke" "Easy!" "Easy there." "Easy" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we are really on..." "Yeah, typical Martians" ""Lucy darling, you pest!" "You just had to have those noodles"" "So." "You do speak Russian What was your motive for concealing it?" "We didn't conceal it" "It's hard to penetrate your minds when you two think in different languages" "And this Patzak always speaks in languages he hardly knows!" "What are you staring at?" ""Maimuna verishvilla"" " They speak Georgian, too!" " What did he say?" " "Monkey, son of a goat"" " That's it!" "We are from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange" "Everybody knows where we are Looking for us" "If you don't put us in touch with the embassy... you'll be in serious trouble, got it?" "We don't understand "embassy" Quick, put the 'tzak' back!" "You understand "noodles", and you understand "maimuna", yet you don't know "embassy"?" "You poor things" "Enough!" "Stop fooling us around!" "Got it?" "About noodles I simply said what you thought" "It's not Earth, my dear fellow, and it's not Africa" "It's planet Pluk, 215 in Tenture Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in The Spiral." "Got it?" "Well hello, here we are" "Put the bell on, my friend Put it on" "Right..." "Way to go" " Excuse me, where have we landed?" " Shh!" "He has very sharp ears" " Do you know the Tenture of your planet?" " Tenture?" "Well, tell us your galaxy number in The Spiral" " In the spiral?" " Yes, yes, in The Spiral" "Well, Earth is there, you know..." "Spinning next to such planets as..." "Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter..." " What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich?" " The Big Dipper" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, come over here" " Do you have more matches on your planet?" " It's possible" "How many will you give us if we put you there?" " How many do you need?" " Two full boxes like this one" " Seven!" " Seven" "And give me all that you have here I will trade them for a 'gravitzapa'" "Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"?" "Well, without a gravitzapa, 'Pepelatz' can only fly like this... but add a gravitzapa and---to any place in the Universe... in 5 seconds" "And you guys roll your Pepelatz out of the garage without a gravitzapa..." " That's not right" " We did have a gravitzapa!" "But when we landed here, someone snatched it up" " By any chance, do you have a space-transportation gadget?" " No." "No" " Give me the matches" " Give us some water" "Like this!" "Do like this!" "Do like this!" "Like this!" "This is yours;" "this is how you smoke now" "Thank you" "He says they have a gravitzapa" " Put your matches here" " Well, here's the deal" "You put us on Earth, and you'll get this, and this" "Hey!" "Fiddler, let's go for a 'little spacewalk'" "Stop!" "Give it back!" " Give it back!" " Only on Mother Earth" "Vladimir Nikolaevich!" "You said, if we take you to the city you will give us all of them" "And now you stole a match from us!" "A Patzak shall not cheat another Patzak." "That's not nice!" "I said, to the city!" " And what is this?" " It's a barn" "And what is this?" "and this?" "and this here?" "How is it not a city?" "Hey, relax!" "Show us your gravitzapa If it's a major brand, we'll take it" "Patzak!" "Only a blockhead would take smuggled ketze in front of witnesses" "That's 'etsikh' for life, with nails!" "Do you have 'kyou' for brains or what?" "We'll buy it ourselves Let's go" "Stop!" "I said stop!" "Who are you?" "I said, who are you?" " 'Alien foreman'" " No, you are a Patzak" " And who are you?" " I'm Georgian" "No, you are also a Patzak" "You are a Patzak, you are a Patzak and he is a Patzak" "And I am a Chatlan, and they are Chatlans, so put on your tzak, and stay in the Pepelatz!" "Got it?" "Oh yeah?" "Look at me, my friend This is a 'Visator'" "See the response, what color?" "Green, isn't it" "Now look at him." "It's green And the same with you, green" "Now look at Uef." "What color?" "Orange, isn't it" "That's because he is a Chatlan Understood?" " What?" " Pluk is a Chatlan planet" "So, we Patzaks, must wear tzaks" "Yes!" "And before us Chatlans, you have to do this!" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, this is overtly racist" " Please, show it again" " Like this!" " A bit slower, will you please" " Like.. this..." "Vladimir Nikolaevich..." "You have a wife back home, a son struggling in school, ...and you are behind on your mortgage" "Yet here you are..." "fooling us around" "There won't be a happy ending for you, my dear fellow" "Here" " OK." "Fiddler, we'll play their game" " Way to go!" "Now give the match to Uef, he'll buy a gravitzapa" " And he said he needed them all" " I was joking" "Heh..." "You guys are so funny!" " Koo!" " Wait!" "Koo." "We'll go together" "Don't show them any of your ketze Don't even think about them" "Just show them my ketze" "And don't give them more than half a match for the gravitzapa" "And your Patzak said it costs a whole match" "Shh!" "He was joking too" "Cement series 300, isn't it?" " Patzak!" "Remember, half or less" " All right" "Excuse me, but what is "Chatlan" or "Patzak"?" "Ethnicity?" "No" " A biological factor?" " No" " People from different planets?" " No" "So how are they different?" "Fiddler, are you color-blind or what?" "Can't you tell green from orange?" "Tourist" "Hey!" "A skyscraper!" "Come on, let's go" "Koo!" "Do as I taught you" "Hi missy" "Must be chilly, in that poor coat?" "They won't let me in, they want you alone" "Don't give them the ketze, bring the gravitzapa here, I'll check it" "Go!" "Stay!" " We're together" " Stay!" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!" "It's all right Wait here" "Just don't go anywhere" "Hi" "What's up?" "To squat, you say?" "Well, out of respect for the ladies present" "Well?" "What's new on Pluk?" "Put ketze here and you'll get a gravitzapa" " Only a half" " Half it is" " Can I take a look?" " Sure" "Actually I'm not an expert on gravitzapas" "Let's show it to my Chatlan, he'll check it" "In a minute." "We'll just set up a 'tzapa'" "Sore throat?" "Water" "I have a proposition" "I'll give you the rest of this ketze for two bottles of water." "Deal?" "Deal" "Do you have food?" "Porridge" "What kind?" "Plastic" "Look I'll give you this whole ketze for five bottles of water ...and a kilo of porridge" " What's this?" " Ketze" " Now we have to check it again..." " Well, be my guest" "Hey, hang on a sec!" "In a minute" "Fiddler, how about you, can you get matches on Earth?" "Yes, I can" "If you can spit further than me, I'll give you half a 'chatle'" "If I can spit further, you'll owe me two matches" " Understood?" " Nah..." "It's a simple game I bet half a chatle, you bet 3 matches" " Here, kid." "Spit" " No, thank you" "Well, OK, you bet one match, I bet 3 chatles and yellow pants and I'll give you a head-start like this." "Come on" " No" " Blue pants!" "Mr. Uef, under no circumstances will I do this" "Is that your final answer?" "Then stop fooling me around "Maimuna verishvilla"!" "Mr. Uef!" "I represent a civilized planet and demand you to watch your vocabulary!" "Yeah!" "Where are they?" " Who?" " That one, with a scar" "I'm a blockhead I gave him all the matches" "Gentlemen, stop it That's enough" "Enough?" "Enough?" "I told him a thousand times we should fly to the Center" "But he is ...greedy like all Chatlans "Two chatles cheaper..." Kyou!" "Look, I have one left" "Should be enough for a gravitzapa, right?" "Give it to me, please" " What for?" " To buy a gravitzapa" " Where?" " There, in the Center" "And how are you going to get us to Mother Earth?" "It is spinning through space somewhere, and you don't even know the galaxy" "We can get your planet number, you blockhead, ...from any planetarium in the Center for 2 chatles!" "Give me the match, okay?" "So that you could 'cover us up' with sand?" " Will you give it to me?" " No" " Is that your final answer?" " As final as it gets" "Farewell then, 'my dear fellow'" "They will leave, Vladimir Nikolaevich" "No, they won't." "They'd sell their own mother for a couple of matches" "Either you give us the match now, or we won't put you on Earth for less than 7 matchboxes!" "Two thousand" "Three" " Two and three hundred" " Three" "Two thousand five hundred Can't give more" "Yes you can, my friend" "Mr. Be" "I have 50 rubles" "Matches cost 2 kopeks per box, so I can buy 2500 matchboxes" "Fiddler is fibbing!" "He has more chatles" "Stop calling me "Fiddler," Mr. Uef To you I am Gedevan Alexandrovich" "Is it the engine there?" "Stop poking your nose into every hole 'Gedevan Alexandrovich'" "Gedevan, how about we tie these two scoundrels up and set a course north?" "What for?" "Maybe there's Mediterranean Sea there, swashing and splashing" "Heh..." "Vladimir Nikolaevich, are you nuts, my friend?" "A sea?" "on Pluk?" "All seas have been used up long ago, to make 'luts'" "Excuse me, to make what?" "Fuel, Fiddler." "Fuel" "Here That would be 6140 matchboxes" "How come it's so many already?" "You stuff your face with porridge You drink water." "Plus the "Widget"" "Cross the "Widget" out, we are not into widgets." "Put it back" "Let's take it." "We need to bring a sample of technology, or no-one will believe us" "Then give them the violin, if you like the Widget so much" "It's an Italian antique violin, worth a thousand rubles, if not more" "How will I ever pay for it" "Fiddler!" "Instead of thinking that you are "the first Georgian cosmonaut"" "and that you "will get a Nobel prize", return the spoon you stole from the poor artists" "I wasn't thinking any of that" "I wanted to donate it to science, maybe it's some new metal" "Heaven!" "Heaven knows, Fiddler, you are a disgrace for all Patzaks" "I am very deeply saddened" " Where are you going?" " To the toilet" "No money in the toilet" "Leave the money here, 'Gedevan Alexandrovich'" " Ketze, my dear fellow, is very expensive" " Why?" "Well, there on Earth, how do you know how many times who has to squat and before whom?" "We go by instinct!" "Barbarians!" "Look," "I've come to like you, so I'll teach you" "If I have *a little* ketze," "I have a right to wear yellow pants ...and Patzaks have to squat before me not just once, but twice" "If I have *a lot* of ketze" "I have a right to wear *pink* pants ...and not only do Patzaks have to squat before me twice ...but also Chatlans have to koo!" "...and Etsilops cannot beat me up at night!" "Ever!" "Um..." "I have a proposition" "You, my dear fellow, give us the match now and later we will bring you yellow pants." "Deal?" "Thanks, I already have a pair Maybe Fiddler needs some?" "Fiddler!" "The aliens are peddling some pants here" "Yellow." "Do you need any?" "There is no Fiddler, my friend" " Come again?" " I have ejected him" "Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich We have another ejection cabin" "That one was broken anyway" "What the hell" "I pressed the 'kappa', he flew away" "Fiddler isn't needed He was a waste of fuel" "Turn back!" "We can't" "We're out of luts, we have to fly to the luts station" "Turn back!" "or I'll burn this frickin' ketze right here!" "Gedevan!" "Fiddler!" "Fiddler!" " He couldn't just disappear!" " I told you, he got busted by Etsilops" " Now let's go, my friend" " I could just kill you!" "Call the Etsilops on the radio!" "We have no radio We had to throw it away" "I'll have a look myself now!" "Etsilop!" "Put on your tzak, quick!" " You didn't put on a tzak!" " He'll cope" "Put it on!" "or he'll 'tranklukate' both you and the match!" "How do you do!" "Look, friend, we lost a guy around here." "Did you see him?" "What?" "Oh, sorry, I forgot" "So did you pick him up?" "I told you, Fiddler isn't needed I told you!" "How are we supposed to buy luts now?" "How?" "!" "How?" "!" " You, my dear fellow, are a pest!" " He is worse." "He is a kyou!" "I have a proposition" "We find Fiddler, ...and then we go to the local government" "Bring me some sand please" "We'll tell them who we are and where we are from" "They will give us a gravitzapa, and we will organize a mutually beneficial trade" "You will send us yellow pants ...and we will send you ketze as much as you want" "No gravitzapa, no government!" "The Government, my dear fellow, lives on another planet!" "Uncle Vova!" "I'm here!" "Here!" " Fiddler!" " Yeah?" "Where is my... um, what's it called..." " Tzak?" " Well?" " I have it" " Well give it to me" " But why here?" " Just give it to me now" "But there is nobody around" " That one is mine" " So keep it at the ready!" " Are you asleep?" " No" "Don't lose heart, Fiddler" "If there *is* a gravitzapa on this Pluk, we'll find it" "We've had it much worse" "Quiet!" "Hey!" "Stop!" "Hey, would you give us a ride to the Center?" " Patzak!" "Stop there" " What?" "Don't come any closer" " What do you want?" " Give us a ride to the Center!" "Three chatles" "We have no money, but we'll work for it" "What can you do?" " Me?" "Anything!" " Be specific" "Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder!" "a foreman!" "We'll build you a house!" "And what can *you* do?" "Me?" "He can play violin!" "Play!" " Play" " I can't!" "Bye, Patzaks!" "Hey!" "Missy!" "Wait!" "I can play!" "Do play!" "Here?" "There!" "Wait, I'll sort out the sound" "Play" "And sing" "Okay, just a sec" "How does it go..." "" Mama, mama, what shall I do "" "Wow!" "What?" " I said wow" " Heh..." "People love it" " What?" " People love it!" "No" " I could drum" " How's that?" "Foreman!" "Fiddler isn't needed" "It's okay, he won't be a bother" " Come on, give us some water, huh?" " I said, after the gig" "We could just take it" "By force Then you'd have to beg us" "Ouch!" "You touch me, and an Etsilop will come and rip your legs off" "Screw your Etsilop!" "Easy there, Fiddler Don't provoke the lady" "Foreman!" "Check it out" "Okay, I get it I get it" "Look, do you have a friend with a gravitzapa and a Pepelatz?" "Why?" "If you could give us a ride to Earth, we'd give you each a six-pack of matches" "I know, no one believes what anyone says Well, tell me what I am thinking" "That your wife must be calling the morgues now" "No, what am I thinking right now" "That you'll do it" "See?" "it's true!" "Ha!" "What kind of fool would ever think the truth!" ""Absurd!"" "And just because you all say what you don't think ...and think what you don't think ...you all sit in cages!" "And in general..." "This whole bitter cataclysm that we can observe here..." "Me and Vladimir Nikolaevich too" "Patzaks are to sing in cages, so be it" "Stop showing off!" "It's OK darling, we'll be singing here, right next to it" "Get in." "He spotted us You'll get us all tranklukated" " We are not animals" " What?" "!" " Now you'll get in!" "Get in!" " Let go!" "Stop it!" "Get in now, or he'll melt us down!" "Well, if you insist..." "Fiddler, let's get in" "Go ahead" "One, two, three..." " Dance!" " Dance" "You know what?" "Go find some other band!" "Dude!" "What?" "!" "?" "!" "Be right back" "We must get out of here" "Boys, give it a push It's uphill" "Now *this* we can do" "Rev it up!" "Bye-bye!" "Jerks" "I will tell everyone where the planet is going under this clown PG!" "Patzaks are trampling all over Chatlans!" "Kyou!" "Well?" "Is everything in there?" "She stole my cologne" "Women" "Let me..." "What do you have in there?" "Lead?" "I got it, Uncle Vova" "I don't even know which way to look..." "Where is Earth?" "Galina Borisovna!" "Me and comrade Mashkov, being Patzaks, ...could earn 2 chatles per gig." "And that's at best" "Water, luts, and fines to the Etsilops at least a chatle a day" "And a gravitzapa is worth half a ketze!" "That's 2200 chatles" "Divide by 365, minus weekends, equals 6" "I simply couldn't get back in less than 6 years" "Very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but I only have your word for it" "Do you have any proof that you indeed returned from Space?" "Maybe you simply sold the violin, as Maestro Ragosin suspected, ...and then spent some quality time, out in a disco" "This is a mineral" "This is a chatle" "This is a tzak" "A metal nut and a sample of sand are appended to the report I handed in to the Dean's secretary so they could forward it to the UNESCO" " Where?" "!" " UNESCO [United Nations]" "You are a grown-up man, Gedevan Alexandrovich" "You'd studied here for a semester and then disappeared for years" "Now you show up out of the blue ...with a pebble, ...a chunk of Georgian ceramics ...and a little bell" "And you expect us to..." "And by the way, if you are so musical, ...why weren't you in our student orchestra?" "Excuse me, Fiddler, but this is nothing but 'koo'!" "END OF PART ONE" "PART TWO" "Brief CHATLAN-PATZAK DICTIONARY" "Ketze" " Matches Tzak" " Nose bell" "Etsikh" " Container for prisoners Etsilop" " Law enforcement officer" "Pepelatz" " Interstellar spaceship Gravitzapa" " Pepelatz engine component" "Kyou" " A socially acceptable swear word Koo" " All other words" " Hi!" " Hello..." "Long time no see!" "Bye!" "Hey!" "Hang on a sec" "I have a proposition" "What?" "What?" "What do we think about you?" "Huh?" "Come on." "Probe our brains" "Stop pestering us What do you want?" " Have you no shame?" " Have you?" "We are poor little hungry artists!" "What have we ever done to you!" "Why do you keep harassing us!" "Give me your Widget for a sec" "Tune it up" "Good." "Come on" "One, two, three..." "" Mama, mama, what shall I do? " Koo!" "" Mama, mama, how shall I live "" "" I don't have no warmer coat for winter "" "" I don't have no warmer underwear "" "Shut up!" "You're tone deaf" "" Mama, mama, what shall I do? "" "" Mama, mama, how shall I live "" "Uncle Vova, let's go again!" " They love it!" " They know a good thing ..." "One, two..." "Etsilop!" "Hey, artists!" "Where's our deathtrap?" " Pepelatz?" " Yes" "Over there" " Ran out of luts" " All because of you, pest!" "Fiddler!" "Just what do you think you're doing!" "Vandal" "Listen, just leave me alone, huh" "My dear fellow..." "This is a Last Breath, a grave!" "It's a cemetery" "Checkmate!" " A 'semi-pro', you say?" " He's just bragging" "Unfair play!" "You are using my brains to win" "If you had brains you'd be studying Interna- tional Relations instead of bugging us here" "Let's play again." "You bet the violin, your bag, and the tooth-stick" "And this here" "Deal?" "Well, okay!" "You bet the Widget, the Visator, and Mr. Uef's mojo" " All right" " Deal" "Uncle Vova!" "You need to twist the 'tzapa' The tzapa!" " Here, you do it!" " I can't." "I am Chatlan" "Get outta here!" "Sure." "Everybody's a Chatlan full of advice!" "No one wants to work anymore..." " "Fool's Mate"" " Unfair play!" "You thought up bad moves for me on purpose!" "Then use your own brains to play" "How can he use his own brains when he's never seen these dolls before" " Not my problem." "Give me my winnings" " No way" "Uef, have you ever thought that such a little Patzak could be such a materialistic piece of kyou?" "Never." "I said, Fiddler isn't needed." "Just look at him!" "Hey!" "Chief!" "And you said 'tzapa'!" "So, nobody there sings in cages, really?" "Mr. Be, on Earth we only cage wild animals" "Are Animals Chatlans?" "I don't know Similar, sort of..." " Are Nightingales Patzaks?" " Why Patzaks?" "You said they never sing in a cage" " Well, Patzaks then" " Ah!" "you see!" "You there are overtly racist, too Just like us here on Pluk" "Only, the power belongs not to Chatlans, but to Patzaks like you and your friend Nightingale" "Let me..." "Here, four gulps" "Children first" "That would be 6042 matchboxes Fiddler, write it down" "I did" "You want some?" "No" "On the house" "What do you think you're doing!" "What about me?" "!" "Huh?" "Huh?" "It's on me. 10 more boxes Have some water too" "'Kin-Dza-Dza!" "'..." " A boat!" " It's not a boat" " It's a luts station" " Let's fill up!" " Not here!" " It's a machine The next one has a woman" "We'll give a performance, she will give us a discount." "Okay?" "Stop slacking, uncle Vova" "Now, my friend, let's move Come on!" "If this used to be a sea, why aren't there any seashells?" "Do you still have seas on Earth?" "We have seas, rivers, and decent people, Mr. Uef" "Barbarians!" "I weep for you" "" Mama, mama, what shall I do? "" "" Mama, mama, how shall I live "" "" I don't have no warmer coat for winter "" "" I don't have no warmer underwear "" " Koo!" "It's a shame my boss can't see me now." "I'd get a raise" "Hush Uncle Vova, the lady is watching us" "They took the woman away, and put a machine in" "Buy as much as you can, we'll fly at least part of the way" "Luts is only sold in one piece." "It costs 10 chatles per charge, and we have only 7" " How far is the Center?" " 160 kilometers" "Uncle Vova!" "Uef has more chatles" "In his right galosh" "Hey!" "Chatlan!" "Yes?" "Take off your right clog" "What for?" "C'mon, koo!" "koo!" " Koo-oo?" "!" " Kyou!" "Pest!" "Squat!" "Why?" "They are not Etsilops, are they" "It's PG and his Patzak!" "If you don't squat That's etsikh with nails for life!" " But who is he?" " Shh!" " Oh!" "Was it a video?" " Uh-huh..." "Holography, my friend!" "The violin!" "Easy!" "Stand still!" "Freeze!" "And you said 'koo!" "'" "It's not a blimp, you blockhead It's the Last Breath of Mister PG" "Nonsense!" "How could one man breathe so much air while dying?" "Absurd!" "Have you no fear of Heaven?" "PG is alive, and I'm happy!" "And I'm even happier!" "There you go..." "Okay, climb inside" " Plastic?" " No" "Shouldn't there be a normal entrance to this mall?" "For the normal entrance, my dear fellow, we'd have to pay in chatles" " Come on, let's go" " Get lost!" "Fiddler!" "Patzaks go there" " What are they doing?" " It's Mister PG's 4th Pump" " I love PG very much" " I koo him even more!" "Here they make water out of luts" " What are they shouting?" " They are selling" " Selling what?" " Everything" "Let's buy a gravitzapa!" "Gravitzapa is in another department" "First we need to find out Earth's Tenture" "Yellow pants - koo twice!" "Think!" "The diameter of your planet's orbit" "I don't remember Fiddler, you do it" "No!" "Fiddler isn't needed, you do it!" "Whatever" "Specific weight of your planet's core." "Think!" "Specific weight?" "No, I can't remember" "I see" "The names of other planets in your galaxy, as many as you know." "Think!" "Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus..." "Hey!" "My visualization crystal!" "Where's the visualization crystal?" "Huh?" "!" "Fiddler!" "Put it back!" "I thought it was nothing, just a piece of glass" "Stupid cow" "Fine." "Stop rattling your brains." "Blockhead" "Here is your planet: 013 in Tenture, just left of the Big Dipper" "If you want to talk, that's a chatle extra" " Come again?" " Your phone number!" "Think!" "And tell them about the matches" "Hello Hello, who is calling?" "(Speak in here)" "Hello!" "Hello, please speak up!" " Hello!" " (Speak!" "Time is running)" "Hello!" "Lucy!" " Vovka?" "!" " Can you hear me OK?" "It's me!" "Vovka!" "Where are you?" "!" "I'm here..." "How are you there?" "How's our son?" "Where have you..." "Where are you, Vovka?" "!" "Well, I am here, in this place I will explain later" "How's Mom?" "Have you seen her?" " Yes I have" " And?" "!" "I'm asking you, where are you?" "Listen, Patzak woman!" "Stop fooling us around!" "Go buy four 6-packs of ketze!" " Or we'll find him a younger..." " Damn it!" "..." "Lucy!" "Lucy..." "Lucy, my darling!" "Lucy..." "Lucy!" "Pick up the phone right away!" "Call Manukhin!" "Tell him that the keys to the plumbing are in my trailer under... under the locker!" "on the floor!" "You understand?" "Oh, I understand all right" "Please dial Batumi 3-47-57 and ask for Alik" "No!" "Take a walk." "Thief" "Is something wrong?" "Huh?" "Everything's fine Only Earth is very far away" "It will take seven minutes to start up, instead of five" "So let's go and make the tzapa ready for the gravitzapa" "Hey, astronauts!" "Which one is tzapa?" "It is... the rusty nut, my dear fellow" "Everything is rusty here!" "That one is the rustiest" "What the hell..." "Are you nuts?" "Whoa!" "Mama, mama!" "Lucy and Manukhin have been transported!" "What do you know" "Uncle Vova!" "The match was in the hat!" "Weird..." "Why would they leave?" "Weird?" "!" "Now they have a match to buy a gravitzapa and they know Earth's Tenture!" "Comrade Etsilop!" "Comrade Etsilop!" "They stole from us!" "Please catch them!" "Koo!" "Catch them!" "40 chatles" "No chatles!" "Everything was with the tour guide" "And the violin is someone else's!" "They didn't cuckoo before a video of PG!" "What are you staring at?" "What the hell are you staring at?" "I will tell your bosses that you knew and took no action" "You'll be frickin' tranklukated!" "Got it?" "I took action!" "I pressed the 'kappa' right away." "Ask Fiddler!" "All units!" "A deathtrap with casters is on the run." "Koo!" " There's nothing in there" " Open it" "Let him see" "It's vinegar" "Mind your own business" "The Patzak will be tranklukated, the Chatlan gets life in etsikh, with nails" "Brothers!" "Brothers..." "My dear fellow Patzaks!" "..." "Tell them the truth!" "I was squatting!" "It was this Chatlan pressing the kappa..." " (Shut up!" ")" " Uncle Vova!" " Shut up, parasite!" " (You shut up!" ")" "Vovka, my friend!" " Gedevan Alexandrovich!" "Comrade!" " (Don't listen to him!" ")" "Tell them it was him!" "He was the one who did not squat!" " And I will give you the Pepelatz!" " Uncle Vova, the Pepelatz is mine!" "Slow down!" "Slow down..." "Hang on a sec" "Nobody slammed anyone Everybody squatted like chimps" "I was confused" "And it was me who brought the ketze here" " What ketze?" " The match you took out of the hat" "There was no match!" "No!" "Uncle Vova!" "What's the matter with you, my dear fellow!" "Sorry, I forgot There was no match" "There was none" "You both, life in etsikh without nails until the penalty fee is paid" "The fee is 500 chatles, 250 apiece" "Thank you!" "Patzak, fix the violin and sing your songs!" "Fiddler, play the Widget! Guys, about the match, it was all just a joke!" "To make you happy!" "Bye-bye!" "(singing) " On the river, on the river, on the other river bank, "" "" Koo!" "...was my Mary with her little ..." "Uuuuh "" "" Hello, Earthling! "" "" I am sure, one day you would reach this planet as well "" "" Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov, a builder from Moscow "" "" ...and Gedevan Alexidze from Batumi "" "" We were the first to set foot onto these wretched sands "" "" ...in the backwaters of the Universe "" "Brother Patzak, throw in some more plastic." "The soup is too thin" "Pay me some more then" "" Maybe by this time, some people who knew me are still alive "" "" Please tell them that I did not steal the violin "" "Look!" "As good as new" "Here is a small piece left" "That happens..." "sometimes..." "Nutritious?" "Earthlings!" "You really shouldn't press buttons like that!" "It wasn't easy to find you Lucky it had built-in memory" "Here's your sock, thank you" "If you wish, I can transport you back to Earth" "I found out your Tenture number" "Well, hurry up!" "One second here is half a year there" "Then I have a proposition We rush to Earth... get some matches, go back here, sell them, buy the guys out of there" " Then we go to Moscow, and you go home" " I can't do that, I only have 3 charges" "But that's perfect!" "Just enough to go there, here and back again" "And what about me?" "!" "Well, friend..." "Make up your minds, yes or no?" "I'm counting to three." "One..." " Wait" " Two..." "Well, put yourself in my shoes The guys are doing time because of me" "And my little son has a beard like this by now!" "Two and a half..." " Two and a half!" " I... cannot do this" "Three" "Argh!" "Who needs all this stuff..." "Stupid tzaks, all this trash!" "And *where* did you get this?" "!" "Huh?" "Ugh..." "In the planetarium." "It was just lying around on a shelf" "Fiddler..." "My little klepto..." "You snatched up a gravitzapa!" "" Strangers in the night..." "Koo!" "Exchanging glances "" "" Wond'ring in the night..." "Koo!" "What were the chances "" "" Shall we fall in love..." "Koo!" "In love we fall..." "Koo-oo "" "Patzaks!" "Patzaks!" "How come you sing here standing up?" "Standing up is only allowed over there" " An Etsilop didn't let us in there" " Here you can only sing on your knees" "Thanks, we are fine as we are..." "Come on, you can spare a dime!" "Well well well..." "Now behave yourselves" "" Strangers in the koo... "" "Uncle Vova!" "There comes your coat with my hat on top" "Hi!" "What's up?" "What's new on Pluk?" "Sing" "Well, we are not in good voice today" "Sing!" "Vladimir Nikolaevich" " I can't stand this any longer" " Easy now, Fiddler" " What's this worth?" " One hundred" "Okay..." "Looks like we have sung enough" " And this one?" " Fifty" " Okay..." "Etsilop!" "Patzaks!" "Why aren't you wearing muzzles?" "Turn around!" "New order from Mister PG" "All Patzaks must now wear muzzles ...and be happy" "Okay, this here is for me, ...and this is for you ...and this one is for you" "Why aren't you happy?" "Did you hear me?" "Huh?" "Come on, raise your tranklukator!" "Chatlan!" "Aah!" " Put it on!" " Yes, sir!" "And be happy!" "I am so happy!" "Oh, look!" "PG is here!" "Where?" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Open your mouth!" "Open wider!" "Fiddler!" "Get me a gag!" "Quick!" "[swearing in Georgian]" "Turn around!" "Nose!" "Give us our money back!" "Okay." "Here, hold this ...like this" "Take this off!" "And if you think it's not a tranklukator it will be the last frickin' thought in your dumb Chatlan head" "Show us the shortest way to the Etsikh..." "Go!" "Everybody down!" "Stay put for half an hour!" " Move!" " Move!" "Faster!" "Excuse us, granny" "That was PG's Mother!" "A video?" "In the flesh!" "Everybody!" "Get in the washtub!" "Now!" "Open the door!" "And stay put the whole day!" "Koo?" "or not koo?" "Here it is" " Number, please?" " Take the latest" "Well, hello there" "Hey!" "Chatlan!" " Sing!" " Fiddler, stop it" "Roll out the second to last" "Get lost!" "Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich" "['Hello' in Georgian]" "Climb out" " We can't" " They'll catch us" "Stop!" "We have a gravitzapa" "Ouch!" " Koo, Uncle Vova!" " Yeah, koo" "Cut it through" "Right here" " Koo!" " Push it out!" "Uncle Vova!" "Please help me roll the etsikh out!" " Leave it!" " Vladimir Nikolaevich!" "Humankind worked for millenia just to get one rock from the Moon!" "And here we have a live alien and a etsikh!" "...made of an unknown metal!" "I said, leave it!" " Tzapa" " Yes sir, tzapa" " Tzapa!" " Press the tzapa!" " I did!" "I did!" " Are we flying yet?" " Starting her up..." "Let's hurry up, brothers!" "Before they come to their senses!" "You're not helping!" " And we've landed..." " Landed where?" "Hanut" "What's "Hanut"?" " The planet where I was given birth" " Me too" " It's night" " Now it's always night here" " Put this on" " What for?" " There's no frickin' air here" " So how do you live here?" "Nobody has lived here for years" "Plukans tranklukated the planet while we were on tour" "Why?" " Because we didn't get them first" " Why did you want to get them?" "They were hovering all over us!" " And all perished?" " Of course!" "Vovka, I have a proposition" " This planet now costs peanuts - 63 chatles" "We sing 'Mama' around the galaxy for a month and the planet is ours!" " Another month and we'll buy the air - 93 chatles" "Everyone who has no air will rush straight here" "The air belongs to us" "They will crawl before us, and we will spit on them" "Why?" " To enjoy the pleasure!" " How can anyone enjoy that?" "Heh..." "He's just too young" "Half of the planet could be yours, the other half ours." "Deal?" "This is very tempting" "But guys, we need to go back to Earth" "Hurry up, the grocery closes in half an hour" "Vovka, relax" "Look!" "We are here" "Earth is there" " And this is Alpha" " On Alpha they turn us into cactuses" "Earth, my dear fellow, is in Anti-Tenture" "There is no way we can get there." "You see?" "How so?" "That's how it is It's just my luck, really" "A Pepelatz cannot make it to Earth!" "And stop blabbing!" "Okay?" "Let's go!" "We have a planet to divide" "Did you learn about this in the planetarium?" "Yes, my friend" "That's why you stole the match?" " Of course!" " Uncle Vova, they are lying!" "Don't believe them!" "Take us to Earth, now!" "No, Gedevan They are not lying" "They'd crawl across the Universe on their stomachs for a chance to get some matches" "Vovka, it's a silly thing to do" "This air has only 2% oxygen" "Gedevan..." "Don't do this, you are young You should live!" "Maybe things will change" "Fiddler isn't needed, Uncle Vova" "Hey, Patzak!" "You'll kick the bucket in a minute, so..." "For once, tell the truth!" "You could have let that freak transport you." "Why didn't you go?" "What did you want?" "Pink pants?" "PG's swimming pool?" "Tell us, what did you want?" "Gedevan!" "Dear friend!" "You tell me" "You can trust me!" "We are two of a kind" "My mother is Georgian Well, used to be..." "[Both speaking in Georgian]" "He says his mother used to be a local Georgian" "Uef!" "You do what you want but I will take them to Alpha!" "Koo!" " Kyou!" " And you, lousy Chatlan put on a tzak!" "And squat when you speak to a Patzak!" "Hanut, my dear fellow, is a Patzak planet!" "Repeat it again" "You eject us onto Alpha while trying to slow down in Alpha's orbit" " To slow down, my foot!" " Don't interrupt!" "Go on, my friend" "On Alpha, when they transport us back to Earth we must hold on to the bottom of the space-transportation gadget and the gadget will be transported with us" "On Earth we must buy you four bags full of matches" "Go on, my friend" "How many times do we have to go over it?" "Let's move, shall we" "Because of you, I will end up in a pot forever!" "And you are too lazy to open your mouth!" "Guys!" "Brothers!" "My dear good friends" "Let's move." "Or at least close the door" "I can't stand the sight of you any longer" "I'm sick of it all" "So long, my friend" "And we're flying!" "Brake!" "Brake!" "Brake!" "How am I supposed to brake when you've drunk all our braking fluid!" "An alkie!" "Can't be good for him" " Turn off your antlers" " They can't be turned off" " Take them off then" " They might break" "I think we've landed..." "That's how it was the last time" "Okay..." "Put on your gas mask" " Without a tzak?" " They'll cope" "Earth!" "(singing) "On the river, on the river on the other river ba... "" "No" "This isn't Earth" "How do you do!" "We are Patzaks from planet Earth Who are you?" "This is planet Alpha" "Tell Decont here, your coordinates and she will transport you back to the starting point" "Have a nice day" "Please tell me your planet number 013 in Tenture" "It is here ...somewhere ...Here it is" " To the left of the Big Dipper" " This is unnecessary" "Could you please hold your hands" " Miss, what did you do with ...them?" " They are in the 2nd Greenhouse now" "Could you please hold your hands" " Do you really turn people into cactuses?" " Only those from Pluk" "They are not from Pluk!" "They are from Hanut!" "This is irrelevant" "Could you please put on your breathing apparatus" " But why?" "You have beautiful air!" " That is why" " Heh!" "..." "Just look at her!" " Easy there, just put it on." "Gedevan!" "On behalf of our planet, please..." "Let them go" "Well, who can make this decision?" "Abradox can But..." "Well, take us to him!" "Do it, or I'll take off the mask and breathe on everything!" "You shouldn't worry" "Our greenhouses provide the best environment" "Blossoming, microclimate, peace and quiet!" "Isn't that a treat?" "Then my dear, why are you frolicking around on the grass ...instead of sitting in a pot?" "Please watch your step!" "You have just broken a green shoot again" "Friend!" " Can we ask you a favor?" " No need to continue" "It's a 'no'" "Our proximity to the Kin-Dza-Dza galaxy is our misfortune." "They are plagued by yearnings and desires" "Vile desires!" "Transformation into a plant life-form is for their own good" "And for everyone else's!" "Maybe we should bring them here and let them decide what is good for them?" "Oh, if we gave that sort an opportunity to decide about anything..." "Girly, all of you are so smart!" "Did somebody teach you?" "or did you figure it all out on your own?" "Let's not waste time" "You are creatures from Anti-Tenture" "That means I have an obligation to transport you to the starting point of your journey" "Or, we can send you back in time to the moment when you could decide your own fate" " The choice is yours" " Sorry, I don't get it." "Back in time?" "To the past." "Back to Pluk" "Um..." "Can you send one of us to Earth and the other one to the past?" "Vladimir Nikolaevich" "I won't let you go back to Pluk alone" "Okay, dude..." "Back in time!" "How long was I fixing the violin?" "50 minutes or so?" "About 50" "Brother Patzak" "A guy with a sock will be here soon Tell him to follow us to the Etsikh" " Do you know where it is?" " Sure" " So, you will show him" " Pay me some more then" "Everybody have a rest for half an hour!" "Thank you, brothers" "Carry on, boys." "Carry on" "Fiddler!" "Hurry up!" "You didn't go home!" "Again!" "You pest..." " Yes." "Climb out!" " Bite me!" "It's better here than on Alpha" "Come on, pull them out" "We'll have a space-transportation gadget in a minute" "Vladimir Nikolaevich!" "You owe us 11,000 boxes Fiddler has it written down!" "11,020" "I have a proposition..." "Vovka..." "We get transported together ...right into the grocery" " We buy everything and then..." " There will be no "then"" "We all stay on Earth" "Forever?" "!" "Forever" "Me, on a planet where they don't know who has to squat before whom?" "Nonsense!" " Give us the gravitzapa and that's it!" " Uncle Uef, Uncle Be!" " You will be so welcome there!" " No, comrade!" "A society without the color differentiation of pants is a society without purpose!" "And without a purpose..." "Guys, enough with the philosophy He's going to appear soon" "Make up your minds Are you going with us?" "Just give us the gravitzapa now!" "Give it to them" "Pity" "So..." "We should say our farewells" "I kind of got used to you" "Me too" "Well..." "Take care!" "Friends!" "Patzaks!" "Here is your sock, thank you" "And if you wish..." "Friend!" "What system is your gadget?" "Might I take a look?" "Regular system..." "Press a button and you're back home" "Hi" "Hi." "How was your day?" "Pipes burst at Manukhin's building site" "" Mama, mama, what shall we do now?" "Winter's coming." "Freezing all day long "" "" You could use a warmer woolen scarf, and I don't have a winter coat at all "" " How's our 'excellent student'?" " He's out with friends" "Vovka!" "Go buy some bread." "I forgot" "Oh, and buy some noodles too" "Comrade!" "How could I get to the Old Arbat street?" " Turn right over there" " Thank you" "Fiddler?" "Uncle Vova?" "Fiddler!" "Uncle Vova!" "" Mama, mama, what shall I do..."" "The End"