"* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know?" "* * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps *" "are you two absolutely certain you're not pregnant?" "you know, we've got to develop a new form of greeting." "you're not." "are you sure?" "sally, deep breath." "if you stare long enough at that window, you can make a blue line appear." "yeah. i think that's how i prefer to do it." "test-wise, jane, you'd be skipping a vital step." "well, aren't you mrs. knowledgeable all of a sudden." "are you and steve trying for a baby?" "i just know you're supposed to pee on the end." "what--for luck?" "i'm talking about the test, jane." "okay." "you know what happens now?" "you do another test?" "could have been faulty." "it can happen." "and i do think there's a hint of a line there." "go for it." "this time i need your help." "the mind reels in a number of unpleasant directions." "if you two are sure you're not pregnant, you can be my control tests." "is this really necessary?" "come on, please." "it could be fun." "on the other hand, it could be peeing on a stick." "frankly, there's a built-in fun limit." "exactly." "there isn't even room to write your name." "sally:" "are you guys done yet?" "there you go." "thank you, susan." "jane?" "there isn't even room to write your initials." "jane, please." "it just feels so impersonal." "how long does it take?" "generally under a minute." "you just know so much about this." "it's like you're suddenly earth mother, without the breasts." "i'm glad you're the one with the breasts, jane." "i'd hate anyone to get us mixed up." "do people really call me "the one with breasts"?" "absolutely." "what do they call you?" "susan." "( sally shrieks ) sally, what's happened?" "sally: blue line!" "absolutely, definitely blue line!" "blue line baby alert!" "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "is it a boy or a girl?" "kind of early days, jane." "it's so blue and liney!" "it's really liney!" "it's like a whole blue line of blue lineyness!" "let me look at it." "i'm sure it's not-- oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "which one's mine?" "can i see mine?" "one of those two." "which one?" "i don't know." "my god, susan." "oh, my god." "you don't know?" "does it matter?" "i'm the one who's pregnant." "susan, what am i going to do?" "i'm sorry-- you don't know?" "will you two shut up about your tests?" "i'm going to have a baby!" "sally-- a bald, noisy thing with eyes is going to climb out of my genitals and destroy my life!" "and my mother is going to side with it!" "sally, just as a matter of interest, you are certain this is your test?" "of course i'm certain." "good." "right." "look--it's got a blue line on it." "how do you know the one with the blue line on it is yours?" "because i'm pregnant, you fool!" "and just supposing you weren't the one who was pregnant?" "then this wouldn't be my test, would it?" "right." "yes." "funny thing, actually." "in fact-- you see, i had all three tests in my hand, and i was really keen to find out the terrible truth, and i was surrounded by the whole mad cubicle-- sally." "anyone ready to go again yet?" "i suppose we need to find an all-night chemist." "yeah, i suppose." "and potentially some kind of... father?" "yeah." "shit." "what?" "susan?" "only fair to tell you-- one of you guys is pregnant." "it's not me." "you don't know that." "yeah, 'cause even if you've had your period-- you don't understand." "it can't be me." "what do you mean, "can't"?" "i mean, steve and i can't." "so...something's...wrong?" "clearly." "you have been trying, then?" "we never really got round to organizing a wedding." "thought maybe a whole human being would be easier." "so we had the conversation." "the conversation?" "you know, the baby conversation." "susan, do we do anything about birth control?" "don't worry about it." "okay." "a few months later, we went to see someone." "just to get ourselves checked out." "if you're gonna marry someone, you want to make sure everything's in... working order." "man: so, how long have you been trying?" "we haven't, really." "six months." "so we got ourselves checked out properly." "you mean you went to one of those places where men go into-- into a cup, yeah." "i had a dream about one of those places." "oh, i'm sure you did." "all the storage vats exploded, and it was up to me to save the town." "anyway... oh, i'm sorry." "i'm looking for steve taylor." "ha ha ha ha!" "steve taylor." "is he here?" "um, cubicle eight." "ha ha ha ha ha!" "is there a problem?" "no!" "no!" "ha ha ha!" "steve." "hello, darling." "hello." "something wrong?" "you've been in there for an hour and a half!" "about that, yeah." "about that." "how did you know that?" "steve, they phoned me." "oh." "so... how's it going?" "well, you know-- early days." "early days." "how quickly do you think i can do this?" "no offense, darling, but really quite quickly." "well, i've gotta..." "get in the mood." "what, there's a particular mood for this?" "of course there's a mood!" "okay, well, maybe i can help." "um... darling, i'm just stepping out to the shops for an hour." "and i don't like the porn." "you what?" "!" "they've got porn here." "i don't like it." "it's got blokes in it." "i'm against blokes in porn, there should be only women." "possibly with some women friends, or-- oh, god, not the lesbian thing again!" "once and for all, what is so special about lesbians?" "lesbians are porn efficient." "it's sex with a greater density of women." "porn-wise, lesbians are like a jam sandwich without the sandwich and just the jam." "in fact, lesbians are just a big blob of jam." "well, not actually." "unless they've exploded in all the lesbonic excitement." "Jeff-- also, in bloke-driven porn, you run the risk of potentially dangerous eye slippage." "eye slippage?" "if, in the climactic seconds, your eye slips from the girl to the bloke, the sudden shock can cause a whiplash event." "and trust me, lower whiplash is not an injury you want to have to explain while you're being stretchered out through your mother's coffee morning." "obviously Jeff's more than averagely acquainted with some of these issues." "steve, Jeff is more than averagely here." "i had to send out for more suitable..." "material." "you sent out?" "well, they don't have any kind of porn menu here." "i don't even think they knew what i meant." "that's your pillow." "yes." "no, i mean your pillow." "from your bed at home." "yeah, i got Jeff to get that, too." "it's my favorite pillow." "i always use this pillow." "what do you do with it?" "nothing, it's just for my head." "his main head." "thank you for the clarification, Jeff." "oh, steve!" "is something wrong, dear?" "is something wrong?" "you've asked trained medical professionals for a porn menu!" "you've sent out for lesbians!" "and a comfort pillow!" "and if that wasn't strange and alarming enough, Jeff!" "why didn't you just ask patrick along while you're at it?" "hello, susan!" "what are you doing here?" "patrick gave me a lift." "i was maybe a little vague about what exactly went on here, and he got a bit excited." "don't think i've ever seen a man look so disappointed by a cup." "you didn't really think you got to have sex with one of the nurses, did you?" "i did." "patrick, you are a sad and twisted man." "no, susan-- he...did." "no, no, no, no." "i just got her phone number, that's all." "you should have seen the look she gave him, though!" "the full-on patrick effect!" "when patrick walks these corridors, every sperm in the building pricks up its ears" ""the mothership!" "i hear the call of the mothership!"" "that doesn't actually happen." "a week after sally tells you she loves you, and you're getting some girl's phone number!" "we were talking, she's a nurse." "it was automatic." "have you phoned sally yet?" "no." "well, phone her soon, patrick." "or, no offense, i'll rip your throat out." "why is everything always so difficult with you?" "other people just do things." "with you, everything is a major problem." "it's not my fault." "it's never your fault." "it's this place." "it's too wholesome." "look, it's wrong for masturbation." "masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing, it-- it's a stealth activity." "you do it on your own, in secret, and you lie about it afterwards." "you feel guilt!" "it's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt left available to a man!" "i mean, look at this place!" "look what the mad fools have done!" "it's an office suite for masturbation!" "there's a receptionist." "there are no receptionists in masturbation." "do you realize what i'm expected to do here?" "do you understand the insanity of it?" "i am being asked to masturbate in a good cause." "no." "susan, i implore you-- i implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men-- do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us." "hear, hear." "hear, hear." "okay." "it'll make very little difference anyway." "you're not the one with the problem--i am." "what do you mean?" "what's happened?" "i had a chat with dr. graham." "what did he say?" "that we'd need a miracle." "and you can't even manage a cup, apparently." "susan!" "then there were two." "you ready to go again yet?" "so, did patrick ever phone?" "susan, patrick and i had our first kiss to the spiderman theme song." "some things are not meant to be." "he will phone, you know." "of course he will." "and i'll get the speech about how wonderful i am." "basic rule, isn't it-- the more wonderful you are at the start of the speech, the more dumped you are at the end." "patrick's not the only man in the world, you know." "my mistake." "so, could it be you, jane?" "well, thinking about it, actually... it really could be." "really. who?" "i'm guessing it's not james." "well, james is celibate and in germany, so i've ruled him out." "then who?" "a couple of weeks ago i went a bit mad." "well, sort of..." "desperate, really." "how desperate?" "( doorbell )" "Jeff?" "!" "i've always felt that Jeff and i have a deep spiritual connection that binds us together in strange and unknowable ways." "i'd like to speak to Jeff, please." "i am Jeff." "okay." "( doorbell rings ) oh!" "that's handy." "it's good that you and i are finally having a little chat." "yes, great." "i'm sure we've got a lot in common." "me, too." "attack of the 50-foot woman." "yeah." "i also enjoy feminist cinema." "oh." "good." "can i get you anything?" "i'm fine, actually." "anything at all." "what have you got?" "four biscuits and an apple." "oh." "i've owned the apple for a while." "i think it's probably still broadly feasible." "but i wouldn't want to talk it up." "i'm fine, really." "it's very easy to miss the apple window, isn't it?" "i get very tense around apples." "you do?" "well, i get very tense generally." "i think i've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit." "i think you've got a very beautiful soul." "yeah?" "i'm very aware of people's inner beauty." "it's one of the most fascinating things about me." "inner beauty." "inner beauty's very important, Jeffrey." "so sometimes, ugly people could be really beautiful on the inside?" "no, that never happens." "you could have a look at the apple." "i've ordered pizza." "pizza?" "before i came." "i thought it'd be nice to come here and have lunch." ""lunch with Jeffrey," i thought. so i ordered pizza." "brilliant!" "you don't mind?" "no, of course not!" "people hardly ever come here for lunch." "well, i have!" "excellent!" "i'm really pleased!" "i'm pleased you're pleased!" "i love pizza!" "oh--would you have liked one, too?" "no." "no, not at all." "i'll probably go and check out that apple, actually." "see if it's peaked." "i love ordering pizza." "because you get to meet someone and have a meal, so it's a bit like a date." "except you have to pay for it and eat it on your own." "i think ordering pizza's really good for lonely people... who can't cook." "well, i can't cook." "i can't cook, either." "so how's julia?" "julia." "i was really surprised when you got it together with julia." "i'd always pegged you for-- well, you know." "gay?" "dying alone." "uh, julia's gone off for a bit, actually." "where?" "well, this guy turned up--joe-- sort of an ex." "so she wanted to go and explore her feelings about him-- in bolton." "it's been a while now, i think she's got quite a few feelings to work through." "probably about twenty." "well, my james is exploring his feelings, too. in germany." "i has this really weird dream about julia just last night." "dreams are very important, Jeffrey." "we were roaming the african plains together, wild and free... she was a lioness, leaping from tree to tree and biting gazelles." "and joe was a lion from a rival pride, and he was trying to steal her away from me." "and i was an otter." "which made things quite difficult in the combat zone." "anyway, joe and julia ran off together, and i tried to chase after them, but it was really hard 'cause there were no rivers running that way." "the african plains are really under-rivered, pursuit-wise." "and then, just as i was about to catch up with them by this unexpected marina, there was this terrible roar!" "my mother sprang from the undergrowth, scooped me up in her jaws, and carried me back to the pride." "so your mother was a lion, too?" "no." "well, never mind being an otter-- you try being in love with a man who won't have sex with you because of god." "it's not easy loving a man who's in love with god." "it's not acceptable to dress up in a long beard and robe and shout, "i am the lord your god, take me now!"" "i've never seen him look so cross." "which was odd, because... it really worked for me." "i think i'll go and look for that apple." "i'll help." "i'm good at apples." "it's all rubbish, isn't it?" "rubbish?" "they're not exploring their feelings, they're leaving." "yeah." "yeah, i know." "we don't deserve this." "we really, really don't deserve this, Jeffrey." "( cell phone rings ) that's my mobile." "hang on." "i am the lord your god." "( hisses ) meow!" "sorry, jane, i've got to go." "where?" "!" "that was steve." "he wants me to go straight to his house, collect all his pornography, his favorite pillow, and some snacks, and meet him at this location." "why?" "i didn't think to ask." "i'll see you later." "ohh!" "( doorbell )" "pizza. for one." "let there be light." "the pizza man?" "on Jeff's floor?" "i know." "but i've always believed you can't get pregnant if you don't really know the person." "that's complete crap, isn't it?" "yeah, it's pretty much crap, actually, jane." "ohh, it can't be me!" "i haven't done anything to offend god recently." "what about you?" "who's your guy?" "peter." "remember the one i was with when patrick came to save me from the spider attack?" "oh, no. really?" "a complete and total wanker." "trust me to get his one night off." "oh, sally." "please don't let it be me." "patrick would hate me." "he probably hates me already, but he'd hate me double." "so, have we got a fix on the nearest open chemist?" "two streets away." "( beeping ) maybe we should-- text message?" "yeah." "who from?" "who do you think?" "sally." "patrick." "private function?" "yeah, there's something later." "oh. so it's not us, then?" "no, no." "definitely not us." "sally... you are the most wonderful woman in the history of the entire universe." "you're incredible." "you've got the looks of a miss world with the brains to match." "you're more than a woman, you're like...a man." "seriously, you could be a bloke anytime you wanted." "obviously a bloke with some pretty serious defects, but who cares about that, i've seen you down drinks with the best of 'em." "i wish i'd had a mother like you." "or a grandmother or any kind of..." "ancestor." "and since you said what you said, i've had a lot of time to think, but obviously that isn't always possible." "nonetheless, i have been able to consider your... application." "and, and this is the point, this is the important point-- sally, you need someone good enough for you." "you don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs." "you want someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way i want you to be loved." "sally, you need someone who will love you forever-- properly." "you're my friend, sally, and i want to see you with the best." "you need mr. amazing, mr. incredibly, superbly... fantastickness." "and in your heart, i'm sure you know i'm right." "i don't want mr. superbly, incredibly fantastickness, you stupid, stupid ass." "i want you." "oh, for god's sake, sally." "what?" "i was talking about me!" "so-- you're mr. superbly, incredibly whatever?" "!" "well, yes!" "you... love me?" "remember this?" "( sound system plays ) * spiderman, spiderman * * does wherever a spider can * * spins a web, any size * * catches thieves just like flies * * look out, here comes spiderman *" "oh, my god!" "i thought it might help set the mood." "you said the private function wasn't us!" "a clever lie." "i'd just like it to be recorded i was against the costume part." "i wasn't!" "i'm also against the dancing." "i invented this dance!" "he wrote it down." "i did!" "he's planning to present you with the early sketches." "come on, steve, you know you want to!" "this is a romantic moment, Jeff, your sudden death might kill the mood." "nothing in the world could kill the mood." "i'm not pregnant!" "look!" "look at this!" "i'm absolutely 100% not pregnant!" "i have shagged and shagged and shagged, and all the little bastards missed!" "it's a miracle!" "i'm not pregnant!" "hi, jane." "james." "you're back from germany." "and i'm not pregnant." "that's what i call chemistry." "well, you've clearly been...busy." "oh, my god." "listen, jane-- shh!" "sally-- sally, what's wrong?" "sally, no--don't." "i'm pregnant." "( chuckling ) no, you're not." "yes, i am." "no, you're not." "i am sally harper." "there is nothing in this world so good that i can't screw it up." "so let me assure you, patrick... darling... yes, i am." "susan: no, you're not." "it's me." "wha-- h-h-how?" "w-who?" "wh-what?" "hippo!" "time's up, steve." "i think it's someone else's turn to be a child." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never * * get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * * brokenhearted *" "* so if you really love me * * say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *"