"ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ALL CLAMORING]" "[♪]" "Daddy, why are you carrying on like this?" "I absolutely refuse to live under the same roof with a man known as El Porko." "[LAUGHING] Hey, big guy, that's El Puerco, not El Porko." "It means pig in Spanish." "Puerco is pig in Spanish." "This guy is Spanish, so they don't call him the Pig." "They call him El Puerco." "If he was from France, they'd call him Le Porc." "In Italy, he'd just be plain ol' Porco." "Jewish is hassar." "Russian is svinya." "Greek is gourouni." "And German is schwein." "Daddy, I'm surprised at you." "Why?" "Because you should be happy that mother and Billy are coming home safe and sound." "I know." "I should be." "And yet..." "Hey, Eunice is right, honey." "So, let's all just try to get along together." "Right, Eunice?" "Oh, stop it, Ms. Congeniality." "Yoo-hoo!" "Oh, Mother!" "Oh, thank God!" "Jessica, Billy, family." "Oh, God!" "Chester was so worried about you." "We didn't know what to do." "[WHIMPERING] We didn't move one bit." "Hello, Chester!" "And you." "How dare you kidnap a man's wife, take her off to a jungle somewhere with bullets flying everywhere, throw her into a rowboat in the middle of the ocean with no food, no hot water." "I have half a mind to call you a very dirty name." "Ay, querida, look who's talking." "Have you not maligned this lady, eh?" "Mujeriego." "What did you call me?" "Hot trousers." "It's a good thing I don't know Spanish." "First of all, she has told me all about your fooling around and frankly I want to vomitar, comprende?" "Is that so?" "Yes, you flirt all over the place, don't you?" "In your mohair sweaters and your hair like Ben Cartwright?" "So don't talk to me about mistreating your wife." "And by the way, she is no longer your wife." "That's right." "She's not yours to treat like a concubina." "She is my girlfriend." "And if you ever touch her again, I will kill you." "[SQUEALS]" "Annie, say hello to Jess." "Welcome back, Mrs. Tate." "Thank you, dear." "We've really missed you." "Well, that's because I wasn't here Annie." "Come on, El, make yourself right at home." "Ah, Billy." "Oh, hi, Dad!" "Ah, Billy..." "I want you to know how proud I am of you, putting your mother's welfare and security before yourself." "Here's a dollar." "Thanks Dad, but I have no need for money anymore." "Really?" "How odd." "Give it back." "I found something more important than money." "Something I can hold on to through all of my life." "Courage, bravery, honor." "Power." "I have make him a general." "I'm going upstairs to my quarters and plan our counter attack on Malaguay." "Call me in time for Chips." "Billy, I absolutely forbid you to attack a third-world nation." "I'm sorry, Dad." "I outrank you." "Oh, my manners." "El, I want you to meet my family." "Ah, and such a delightful family you have." "You know, in my country, we have a name for families such as this." "Oh, what is that?" "Familia." "I see." "Mrs. Tate." "Oh, hello, Saunders!" "I'm very pleased you have returned." "Thank you, thank you." "I have one question, however." "What?" "Why?" "[LAUGHING] Saunders." "Saunders, this is El." "El, Saunders." "Saunders, El." "How do you do?" "I want you to know that we are all brothers under this skin, and you should never feel any different from anyone else in this room." "Please, it's the only solace I have." "Hi there!" "Hi there!" "Oh, this is my darling daughter, Eunice." "Ah, Eunice, beautiful name for a beautiful lady." "You know, it is Greek, and it means happy, victorious one." "[GIGGLING] Oh!" "But, you know, in my country we have a little bird that we call pequeño pájarito." "You are that little bird." "How lovely!" "And what does pequeño pájarito mean?" "It means "little bird."" "Hi!" "I'm Annie." "Annie, you are a flower." "A flow" " Oh, thank you." "Annie is my husband's girlfriend, whom we met at my daughter's wedding, and they are living in the pool house together." "Your husband's girlfriend?" "Uh-huh." "Oh, well, then I will call you la ramera." "Oh, that's so pretty." "What's it mean?" "Slut." "That's it." "That's it, Zorro." "Now you have done it." "Now you have really done it." "Stealing a man's wife, turning his son against him" "That I can take, all of that." "Maybe I deserve that." "But insulting the woman that I love." "Man, you are in it." "Now, listen here, you twerp, Carlos "El Puerco" Valdez has never in his life insult the dignity of a lady unless she insult herself first." "Fine, I accept your apology." "Oh, uh, Eunice, what was all that little bird stuff about?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, you're so delicate, so fragile." "What a load of burritos." "Oh, here's Daddy." "Daddy, say hello." "Goodbye." "Daddy." "Forward my mail to Churchill." "I'll be staying at his place for a few years." "Daddy, what is the matter?" "A treaty is one thing, but to live under the same roof with this fascist!" "Goodbye." "Daddy, El is not a fascist." "Generalísimo Franco isn't a fascist?" "Sir, you have me confused with someone else." "I'll be Frank, Franco..." "[SPITS]" "Oh, Daddy." "Lunchtime." "Where do we pitch the tent?" "What the hell is this?" "Oh, Chester." "Chester, I want you to meet my dear friend, Juan." "Uh, this is also Juan, whom I do not know very well, but any friend of Juan's is a friend of mine." "Uh, this is also Juan." "Juan and Juan are cousins." "However, Juan and Juan are not related at all." "Juan, everybody." "Everybody, Juan." "Hello." "Juan, everybody." "Everybody, Juan." "Juan, everybody." "Everybody, Juan." "Hi!" "Jess, who are they?" "My band of merry men." "[SPEAKS SPANISH]" "You see, Chester, they were lost at sea for days and nights, and then finally, they were rescued by the Bumble Bee tuna boat." "Oh, it was just awful." "Then" "Jess!" "Would you tell your band of merry men to bivouac somewhere else?" "Or what?" "Or...they can stay here." "Oh, El." "Yes." "El, why do they call you El Puerco?" "Is the pig a sacred animal in your country?" "Oh, well, they call me El Puerco because I like el puerco." "And the pig is not sacred, but it is 6.98 a pound." "We've set up camp, El Puerco." "Ah, excellente!" "Red, I would love it if you and your lovely family could join me and my men for lunch, eh?" "Yes, for today, El Puerco is serving el puerco." "We are what we eat." "General!" "Uh, sir, with all due respect to your daughter, um..." "What the hell is the matter with you?" "I know what you're thinking." "Why am I still here?" "El, I think maybe I should explain about Daddy" "Generalísimo Franco, an ally of Germany, of Japan, of Italy..." "Why do I owe you a debt of gratitude?" "Well, it has cross my mind." "Because you have shown me that a leopard can change his spots." "Major, what on earth are you" "Don't you realize what this man has done, you nitwit?" "He has captured Mussolini." "ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:" "You could win... a new car!" "[APPLAUSE ON TV]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "[KNOCKING CONTINUES]" "You didn't let me finish my knock." "Sorry, finish it." "[KNOCKS ONCE]" "That's better." "Now you're sure it's me." "I saw you through the peephole." "Nah, that's not foolproof, one of Tibbs' guys might have put on a Danny Dallas mask." "Flowers." "The old ones aren't dead yet." "Candy?" "Gives me zits." "Fried wanton." "Coming out of my ears." "Books." "Terrific." "And a puzzle." "I hate puzzles." "Something is bothering you, right?" "Yeah, something is bothering me." "Flowers!" "Every day flowers." "I don't like flowers." "I got sinuses." "My nose is closing up." "I can't breathe with flowers." "I feel like I got a salami stuffed up my nostrils, and every day you give me flowers and candy and books and puzzles and records." "Who the hell are you, Captain Kangaroo?" "May I tell you something?" "What?" "I'm trying to be pleasant, and frankly, you're not being a very good sport." "Look, Danny, you are outside all day long." "You're giving out parking tickets." "You're arresting people." "I am cooped up in here like a parakeet, so don't tell me about attitude." "I'm protecting you." "You're driving me crazy." "Someone may be trying to kill you." "Well, if I don't get out of here very soon, somebody may be trying to kill you." "It's my job, Gwen." "And that's all it is too." "Oh, yeah?" "I happen to be crazy about you." "Well, I don't want you to be crazy about me." "I'm sorry." "That's the way I feel." "So, don't feel, okay?" "Leave me alone." "Why should I?" "Because no matter how much you say you like me," "I feel double that for you, and I don't wanna... because I'm gonna wind up loving you, and you're not gonna wind up loving me." "Is that why you've been acting so crazy?" "Maybe." "[CHUCKLES]" "Listen you." "I keep you locked up in this motel room." "I forbid you to see anybody, talk to anybody," "I don't make love to you." "I hardly even look at you." "Now how can you say I don't love you?" "You do?" "No." "Well, what if I do?" "Is there a law against it?" "Um, ahem, well, it's just that I'm not exactly the kind of girl a person right away brings home to meet Mother, you know?" "Gin." "Yes, you are." "What?" "Coming home to meet my mother." "Oh, whoa, Danny, wait a minute." "Plus which, you're moving in." "You'll have people to talk to, and Tibbs will never think of looking for you there." "What a great idea?" "First thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna tell my mother, so don't object." "Who's objecting?" "I'm packing." "[OMINOUS THEME PLAYING]" "JODIE:" "Hey, there's my room." "It's a nice room." "MAGGIE:" "Here's your door." "And in we go." "All right." "That's it." "Get the light." "Very good." "Oh!" "Uh." "[SLURRING] Maggie, I should never have had the second helping of... guacamole." "You never should've had that fifth of tequila." "[SLURRING] Oh, yeah." "Whew." "Okay." "Here you go." "Lay down." "Oh." "Okay." "Just move over a little bit." "[GRUNTING]" "Maggie, somebody stole the bed." "Just hold on a second." "Here I come." "Okay." "Jodie, you know, you're not gonna find Wendy in a bottle." "Yeah, well, we're not gonna find Wendy, period." "Ah!" "Come on, now don't talk like that." "We are right on the Carol's trail." "You heard what the fire-eater said." "She left for Alaska two days ago." "Yeah." "But where in Alaska?" "Juno." "No, I don't know." "We don't even have a clue." "Juno." "Well, if I knew, I must have forgot." "You're drunk, Jodie." "You really think so?" "Yes, I do." "Come on, come on, now." "You need your rest." "We'll get an early start tomorrow." "That's it." "Put your feet up." "There, there you go." "No, no, no, wait!" "Come on, help me." "That's it." "Okay." "Stay." "Okay?" "Now, you go to sleep." "All right." "Get a good night sleep." "I'll see you in the morning." "Okay." "Okay." "[SIGHS]" "Where are you going?" "To my room." "Do you want me to walk you?" "Good night, Jodie." "Maggie, don't go..." "I" " I wanna talk to you." "You're in no condition to talk, Jodie." "You get some sleep." "We'll talk in the morning, okay?" "No, Maggie, I'll be sober in the morning, and I won't be able to say to you what I wanna say if I am not drunk." "Okay..." "What is it, Jodie?" "I don't know if I can tell you while I'm drunk." "Tell me." "I like you." "I like you, too, Jodie." "No, Maggie." "I mean I "like you" like you." "I get the picture." "An" " An" " And don't you think that's a little strange, coming from me?" "I mean, I'm a cupcake." "The last time I felt this way about somebody, they had a beard." "Well, Jodie, we have been spending an awful lot of time together lately, and we have become very close." "And you've have had little bit too much to drink tonight, so, um, I think its natural that you would feel this way." "No, Maggie, I like you because you're a woman." "That's what so crazy." "You've got me thinking things" "I never thought I'd think about a woman." "Maggie, what did I just say?" "You said, you like me because I'm a woman." "That's what I thought I said." "Well, I might as well admit it." "I've been attracted to you too." "I don't know why." "Maybe it's 'cause I couldn't have you." "I'm very good at that:" "falling for impossible men." "You give me a married gay man who lives in China..." "I'm in love." "Well, forget it." "I don't fool around with clients." "Yeah, and I don't fool around with women." "Hello, sir, it's nice to see you again." "Hello, Ben, how are you?" "Uh, Burt, sir." "It's Burt." "What's Burt?" "My name." "Of course, it is." "How are you?" "I am fine, sir, I'm just" "I'm just fine." "Uh..." "Thank you very much for making time to see me." "It's been so long since I've been in church that when I needed to talk," "I ran right back to my old boyhood pastor." "And who is that?" "Uh, you, sir." "Yes." "Well, I see that you've been promoted as, uh, bishop." "Yes." "What's troubling you?" "Uh, well, sir, I" " I think I'm having a crisis of faith." "Now, I know I haven't been to church in a long time, but that doesn't mean I haven't been a religious man." "I have been." "I truly have been." "But, lately I've been having a lot of trouble believing, sir." "In what?" "Uh, in God." "Of course." "Now, sir, you know, I really don't like to question." "It's just that I'm having just a lot of trouble understanding, if you know what I mean." "I wanted to do good." "I wanted to help my fellow man." "So I ran for sheriff." "And now that I'm sheriff, instead of him helping me, he seems to be making things really very, very difficult." "I" " I tried to clean up this town, and what happens?" "Winds up I get blackmailed." "People calling me on the phone, sayin' terrible things to me and my family." "I hardly ever seen my wife and baby anymore." "I mean, where's the sense in that, sir." "I mean, where's the logic?" "This all may turn out to be what I call an Alvin." "It's named after Harry Alvin." "I know you don't know who he is," "I don't know he is either." "Harry Alvin is some guy I just read about in the newspaper." "He's like 40 years old and then last year had two heart attacks, kidney failure, cerebral hemorrhage, triple bypasses and survives." "And then a couple of weeks ago... uh, he was riding his bike in the park, and two guys jumped him, murdered him and took his bike." "I mean, you know, Harry Alvin went through a whole year of hell and winds up getting shot for his Schwinn." "Where is the sense in that?" "Where's the logic?" "[SIGHS]" "That's what I call an Alvin, and who knows, this may turn out to be an Alvin too." "I don't know." "What I'm saying here is that it's these Alvins that I don't understand." "It's these Alvins that don't make sense and are making me lose faith." "And that's why I came here today, sir." "That's it." "Sir." "S" "[♪]" "Is this your answer?" "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that El Puerco and his three Juans will be living in the Tate house, will Chester learn how to tango?" "Since Jodie and Maggie have admitted that their business relationship maybe more than just business, will it hurt their relationship?" "Now that Danny suggested Gwen live with the Campbells, will the shadow know?" "Now that Burt has bored the Bishop to death, will he go to confession?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap." "[♪]"