"In prison, there's no day more special than conjugal day." "Which looks better, throat scar or no throat scar?" "Twice a month, the guys in my barracks get to have sex with a woman, sometimes with their wives, sometimes with their girlfriends... and sometimes with women they were meeting for the first time, known as "letter writers."" "Special ladies who actually seek out incarcerated boyfriends." "You look different from your picture." "You killed your father." "Fair enough." "Yep, conjugal day was great... unless you bit off a guy's earlobe and got thrown in the hot box," " like Frank." " Earl, buddy, it's good to see you." "Listen, listen." "You got to go find my girl Billie." "Just tell her that I'm not blowing her off and that I love her and that she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Earl." "She's, she's my angel." " Your naked angel." " Yeah." "With wings tattooed on her most private angel area." "Yeah, those wings cost me a fortune." "Plus, it was awkward." "Her brother was the tattoo artist." "Ah, that explains the "Love your brother"." "I thought she was just trying to make the world a better place." "Back at home, Joy was in her 8th month of surrogating her sister's baby, and it was having a frustrating impact on her everyday life." "Your feet must hurt." "They're so swollen." "They look like hungry biscuits trying to swallow up your flip-flops." "Yeah, well, I'm retaining so much water," "I'm afraid you're gonna try to swim across me to get your green card!" "That wasn't a very motherly exchange." "Yeah, well, being pregnant ain't a very motherly experience." "Feels like this little monster's got my liver in a headlock." "Darnell..." "I just messed my pants." "Pardon?" "I just messed my pants." "Walk behind me." "Walk behind me." "Go get me some towels and some new bottoms." "Hola." "Miras lo que viene?" "Occupied!" "Occupied-o!" " Your wife pooped herself." " Indeed." ""And when you hear the buzzer sound, that is your 10-minute warning to finish."" ""Please hose down all items you have forn-I-cated on."" "Randy, I'm only here to talk to her, for Frank." "Hose it down anyway." "Sometimes you spit when you talk." "Hey." "Oh, god, not again." "I told Frank no more threesomes." "No offense." "I'm just afraid he'll finish too quick, and I'll be stuck awkwardly doing a stranger." "I could see why Frank was so crazy about Billie." "He said he knew she was the one the first moment he laid eyes on her." "And when Frank opened up to her, she actually listened." "He never had a girl like that before." "You know, I don't believe in heaven and hell." "I think death is more like an after-party where everyone goes to the same club and drinks some beers," " smoke a little something-something." " Like the Peach Pit After Dark." "Totally." "I'm Earl Hickey, a friend of Frank's." "He got thrown in the hot box, but he wanted me to tell you that he loves you and that you're his number one angel, which is saying a lot 'cause there's quite a few guys named "Angel" in here." "He got thrown in the hot box?" "Today of all days?" "That son of a bitch." " He doesn't love me." " Come on." "He loves you." "He talks about you all the time." "He's been faithful for at least seven years." "Don't think he hasn't been tempted in here." "One of those Angels is a pretty smooth talker." "Plus, he bought you that fancy wing tattoo." "If that doesn't say "love," nothing does." "Your brother is an artist, by the way." "You saw my wings?" "No." "That jackass showed you my naked picture?" "No, uh, Frank just, he has a way of painting pictures with words." "I only felt like I saw it 'cause he described it in such detail." "He described my vagina in detail." "Wich answer will make you feel less violated?" "That's it." "I can't do this anymore." "Tell Frank that we're done." "It's over." "No, no, no, look, you got to give him a second chance." "I used to do stupid things like Frank, then life gave me a second chance, and I started doing good things." "People can change." "You're right, Earl, people can change, starting with me." "I'm done with Frank." "And you can tell that jackass that I'm taking the promise ring out when I get home." ""I see your lady guest has exited."" ""Please pull up your pants-- half circle" ""if they are not already up-- half circle-- and follow me."" "Since the prison confiscated my old list," "I had to make a new one." "And that day I added "Made Frank's girl dump him."" "Frank was the closest thing I had to a friend in prison and" "I owed it to him to tell him the truth right away, while he couldn't hurt me." "But he was hurting too much on the inside to even consider hurting me." "I added it to my list if that helps." "Billie was my whole life." "Now my life is dead." "I-I got-got a dead life." "The list doesn't always mean as much to other people as it does to me." "That night, Joy was having trouble, too." "Being blackmailed by Catalina wasn't sitting well with her." "Oh, Baby, all your wiggling made Mr. Turtle throw up a little." "How am I gonna get that picture back from Catalina?" "I mean, I can't blackmail her." "Everything she should be embarrassed about people already know." "She's a stripper, she's a maid, she's a foreigner." "I'm just gonna have to kill her." "You can't kill that woman." "Oh, yes, I can." "A poison cookie, just like I tried with Earl a couple years ago." "I mean, I still know the recipe." "It's just sugar, eggs and poison." "Why don't you just try being nice to her?" "People like it when you're nice to them." "Remember 5 years ago at the pet store when you made that guy smile?" "Fine." "Dear Lord, please give me the strength to be nice to somebody who I hate so much I wish you would strike her down with a lightning bolt and fry her into one those little mexican cinnamon sticks." "They're called churros." "Yeah, churros." "Amen." "I hoped Frank would be feeling better by the time he got out of the hot box, but he wasn't." "In fact, he wasn't feeling much at all." "What happened to your shoes?" "Oh, I guess someone took 'em." "Frank had done the one thing you don't want to do in prison:" "he had given up." "And that made him a target, the worst kind of target." "Frank, James is tattooing his name on your ass." "That's when I knew I had to make Frank's problem my priority." "We're gonna find you a new girlfriend." "Hey, man, what do you think this means?" "There were two choices for getting Frank a new girlfriend in prison:" "Female prison guards..." "Okay, there was really only one choice." "The letter-writing women who were on the prowl for inmates." "Apparently, these women use some web site called" ""convict match" to find the prisoner of their dreams." "All we had to do was make a video of Frank and have Randy put it into the web site using a magic cord." " Say "cheese."" " You know, I don't want to do this." "Besides, no one's going to love me the way Billie did." "Sure they will." "Come on, Frank." "This is easy." "The bar's set so low, even that prisoner that's just a torso got a date." "Oh, good for pillow." "Well, then why aren't you doing it?" "I had to admit, it did get lonely on the inside, and having a little female companionship sounded pretty nice." "My name is Earl, and, uh, I didn't murder anybody." "I have $40 in my prison canteen account." "I like taking long walks out in the yard." "I could bench-press my mom, and she's fat." "I've never been in love, but I've been married twice." "I love kids, but that's not what got me in here." "I'm not saying anyone's ever actually confused me with Tom Selleck, but I do get a lot of "Hey, Magnum"." "Joy was working to solve her problem by being nice to someone she hated." "Hey, Catalina." "Brought you a present." "It's a donkey for you, just because we're friends." "Now, the stick, the stick, you're gonna have to earn." "Give me your cell phone and it's yours." "Then you can get all the mexican candy inside that your people like to break their teeth on." "Actually, Joy, I'm gonna keep my phone, the donkey... and I would like the stick." "That's not the deal, friend." "Excuse me, would anybody like to see Joy...?" "Take the stick!" "Take it, take it, take it, take it!" "Take the stick." "I thought you had her, baby." "I just got outsmarted by an illegal." "I am so voting in '08!" "A few days later, me and Frank found out we were convict matches for two ladies who wrote to us and were coming to visit." "Randy even hooked us up with the conjugal apartment." "And I'm gonna give you guys twice as much time." "But if anyone asks, just remember to say you each had sex with your own girl, then switched." "Otherwise, I could get in trouble." "Are you Annie or Lucy?" "Lucy." "Hi, Frank." "Wow, you're even cuter than in your video." "Are you in for life?" "Because I'm looking for a long-term relationship." "Oops, can you excuse me for a minute?" "I got to pee when I'm nervous." "That's disgusting." "You know, Billie never peed." "Frank, look around." "We're in prison." "If that girl's biggest problem is that she pees, you're in good shape." "What you need to do is lower your standards." "Annie?" "Hi, Earl." "After a few more potty breaks, Frank and Lucy started hitting it off." "Your arms are really strong." "Yeah." "I wonder if my dad has strong arms?" "If I meet him, I'm going to hug him and never let go." "'Cause he's my daddy." "Do you want to know what got me about your video?" "No, thank you." "All right, we're going to hit the bedroom." "So, Annie... you've got a wiener, right?" "It doesn't function if that makes you feel any better." "Gentlemen, put your hands together for Catalina!" "While I was trying to keep Annie's hands off me," "Joy was trying to get her hands on Catalina's phone." "El deleto la picturo." "Then she decided to steal herself a new cell phone for all her trouble." "Me and Annie got to talking'cause, well, we had no other choice." "And it turned out, she... that's what she said to call him..." "was easy to talk to." "I didn't really commit the crime, but" "I still feel like I deserve to be here because of karma." "I know it sounds confusing." "Heck, people have been calling me confusing my whole life, but I'm not." "That's why I'm going through with this whole surgery." "Hole surgery?" "I'd think they'd have a fancier name for it." "They do." "It's called vaginoplasty." "So we going to make out, or...?" "You know, Annie, if I was here for 30 years or something," "I might be able to justify it, but I get out in two, so..." "I get it." "You know, the top half's already done." "You want a squeeze?" "Technology." "Frank..." "step away from the girl." "I can't do that, Earl." "I need her to look more like Billie, and" " Billie has her bellybutton pierced." " She's not Billie." "Not yet." "Let him do it." "He's fixing me." "Look, we'll get Billie back, okay?" "The real Billie." "You really think we can get her back?" "I think we're going to have to." "Now you're talking, Earl." "This probably isn't going to help your abandonment issues, huh?" "While I was trying to solve Frank's problem," "Joy's problem was starting up again." "Oh, snap!" "Joy thought she'd put her mess behind her, but she hadn't." "What?" "I don't know who stole your phone." "Yes, I know what "already downloaded jpeg" means." "Darnell, what's a jpeg?" "What's downloading?" "And why am I holding a picture of me crapping my pants again?" "Billie wouldn't accept any of Frank's phone calls or answer his letters, so" "I knew it was going to take something big to get her back." "Something that would make Billie feel like her and Frank were even." "Since Billie was mad at Frank for showing me her naked picture, we decided to show Frank to the whole world." "Joy decided the problem with her picture was going to need a big solution, too." "So she got out her poison cookie recipe and made a special delivery to take care of everything." "Gentlemen, put your hands together for Catalina!" "Jump, jump, jump..." "Turned out Joy no longer had the killer instinct and swapped out the main ingredient." "This moment would forever be captured in Joy's memory..." "Occupied!" "You're lucky you're not dead, bitch." "And more importantly in her camera." "It had been days, and we were still waiting to hear something from Billie." "Do you know a three-letter word that might have a six in it?" "Excuse me." "I'm here to see Frank Stump." "I'm Billie Cunningham, his girlfriend." " She's here!" "Billie's here!" " Really?" "Thanks, Earl." "Hey, I got to get her some flowers." "You think anyone would mind if I take any carnations off of Jose's memorial in the yard?" "If anyone cared about Jose, he'd still be alive." "Tell Billie I'll be right there." "And only say that." "Jose's dead?" "Oh, man, I never got to tell him it was me who played that joke on him." "I took the skinheads'radio, and I hid it in Jose's bed." "Frank will be right here." "No costume?" "We're making love today." "Ah, that's sweet." "Actually, I'm glad I saw you." "That stuff you said last time about life giving a second chance got me thinking." "And I re-enrolled in nursing school." "Turned out, Billie used to be on a good path." "Frank met her on the day she graduated Community College, and, well, things went downhill from there." "Frank was already leading a life of crime, and being a romantic, he wanted someone to share his life with." "Go ahead." "Take something." "What?" "Go, go, do it." "It's fun." "Go ahead." "Take something." "Okay, your turn." "And while stealing may have given Billie a rush, she still worried about the consequences." "Do you think we're going to hell for all this?" "You know, I don't believe in heaven and hell." "I think death is more like an after-party where everyone goes to the same club and drink some beers," " smoke a little something-something." " Like the Peach Pit After Dark." "Totally." "But love can make you do crazy things." "Like armed robbery." "Nobody move!" " Honey, honey, honey." " Sorry." "Sorry." "I know it's not how we practiced it, but I just got really excited." "Sorry, everyone." "Sorry." "When you said that stuff," "I kind of looked at my life and realized I was tired of being a..." "Hairy loser?" "I was just going to say loser." "No, no, you're fine." "I meant that's how it felt when I turned my life around." "Doing good feels good." "Yeah, and doing bad feels bad." " It sounds so simple." " Why don't are people do it?" "I don't know." "Well, it feels great." "Except I'm missing a class to be here right now." "Two, actually." "It's a long drive." "Wait, you're missing classes for Frank?" "Not that Frank's not great." "I mean, the guy can make wine out of shampoo." "I'm not even sur if Jesus can do that." "He's great." "Well, now that we're getting back together," "I'm probably going to have to take a little break from school." "Maybe try and start up again in a year or two, or 13 when he gets out." "Someday I will do it." "Right." "Well, I'll go get him." "I was in a rough spot, one I'd never been in before." "I had to make a choice between helping someone on my list helping someone who really deserved it." "Frank, we need to talk." "I explained to Frank that... as much as he wanted Billie back in his life, not having him in hers was what she needed, and that if he really loved her, he'd let her go so she could live the life she was meant to." "You're right." "She's the best thing that's ever happened to me." "I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to her." "Guess it's time for me to just man up and do the right thing." "I've always had trouble saying good-bye to women in my life." "I think it's'cause my grandmother breast-fed me too long." "Okay." "I waited for Frank because, while I may have made him feel like he wasn't good enough to be with Billie," "I didn't want him to feel alone." "Billie." "I think you'll make a great nurse." "Take care, Earl." "How did it go?" "I felt like crying." "Felt like killing you." "Felt like calling my grandma." "I felt thirsty." "But mostly, once I said it, I..." "I felt like a real decent guy." "Maybe for the first time in like... ever." "That's what happens when you do the right thing." "Yeah, it's nice." "It's real nice." "You know, it's not as nice as high fiving myself in the mirror when I'm doing a hot chick... but it's nice." "I was really proud of Frank, but more important," "Frank was proud of himself." "and I couldn't stop thinking about Billie that there was someone out there working to do good things in life after years of doing bad." "Someone like me." "Naked picture!"