"Nice try." "I'm here now." "Sorry if I kept you waiting." "Ran into a little bit of a, uh. oh,I see." "Hey,ritchie." "Hey,mr." "Harris." "Yeah." "You know what Soccer practice went so much longer than it was supposed to and then he forgot his shin guards." "So we had to go back to the park to get them, and then I would have dropped them off at the house, but that would have taken another extra 45 minutes,and I would have called you" "but,yesterday,I dropped my cell phone in the toilet." "After,so." "I left it there." "Good call." "So we'll all eat together." "So,ritchie,how was soccer practice?" "I stink." "But you showed up,and that's what counts." "Actually,he does stink." "I think one of his armpit glands came in." "So I'm letting him use my secret deodorant." "And I'll let you in on a little secret It ain't working." "Maybe tonight isn't the best night for you." "We can reschedule if there's a better one." "No,no,no. there's no better night. this is fine." "And you know what?" "I brought ritchie's psp,soe hcan be occupied and we can have our date." "Yeah,we can do anything,really." "We don't exist anymore." "Seriously,we could round several bases right on top of this table,and no one would notice a thing." "That's the same thing you said about the dodger game,and we made it on the jumbotron." "we were like movie stars." "I'm looking forward to taking you out to the ball game again." "mom!" "We're not doing anything." "It's dead." "Oh,well,that's not a problem,because your clever mommy brought a power cord right here in her purse." "Now,just have to find an outlet." "Oh,here." "Uh,excuse me." "Um. you know,my son needs to use this outlet for his game." "Would you mind terribly if you switched tables with us?" "We are sitting right over there." "We like our table." "We don't want to sit over there." "That's nice." "This is why the french hate us." "You know what?" "I'm going to run out and go to the hardware store" "Grab an extension cord,and them I'll come right back." "Christine,stop." "Stop." "Take ritchie home." "He's tired,you're tired,your phone's in the toilet." "We can do this another night." "Well,you know what?" "Come to my house,and then,after I put ritchie to bed" "At least we can make out a little bit before I pass out." "Mom,my game isn't on." "I can hear you." "Good job." "Let's go." "Television he's asleep." "Play ball." "I'm not." "I'm not really comfortable doing this when there are other people here." "Oh,no." "Don't worry about ritchie." "He's practically in a coma." "Yeah,but they're not." "Kiss him again!" "What?" "What are you doing here?" "Get out of here!" "Get!" "They keep coming back because you feed them." "What?" "what are you even doing here?" "You invited me over for birthday drinks." "It started out as birthday weekend,which was rescheduled to birthday dinner" "Which was rescheduled to birthday drinks." "Oh." "Well,sorry about that." "Catch you next year." "It's getting late." "I should go." "Oh,I'm so sorry about this." "This date has been a total bust." "That's all right,you can make iupt to me." "What are you doing tuesday night?" "Tuesday?" "Uh. where.?" "Oh,here." "Let me look at my thing." "tuesday,tuesday." "Ritchie has karate on tuesday,and nei ver miss it." "Of all the sports he plays,it's my favorite costume." "But,I don't know,maybe richard can videotape it." "Hey,richard?" "What's up?" "Hey,handsome." "Oh,that was weird." "Have you been getting those funny e - mails I've been forwarding you?" "Every day." "Thanks for thinking of me." "Okay,listen,um." "daniel wants to take me out on tuesday night,so can you swap with me and I'll take ritchie on wednesday?" "I can't" " I got a speeding ticket,and I have to go to traffic school." "Hey,matthew?" "Listen." "Can you take ritchie to karate on tuesday" "And then I'll take him to work with me on saturday and you can have the whole day off then" "Yeah,I don't like the karate studio." "Too much yelling." "I get enough of that at home." "Do it,matthew!" "Hey,if you want,ritchie can come with me." "I'll be scratching dirty words in the door of pete's mercedes." "And then we'll get ice cream." "Barb's going through an ugly divorce." "But I still love dirty words and ice cream." "Why don't I take ritchie on thursday?" "You can go out then." "Uh,thursday?" " Yeah." "Works for me." " Works for me." "Great." "It's a date." "Wait." "Richard,we have tickets to a show." "Oh,no,that's tuesday." "In october." "2004." "Does anyone know how to work this?" "Okay,so thursday." "Pick you up at 7:00." " Okay." "While everybody has their books out,I need christine a week from sunday night." "My school is having a new faculty reception,and since I'm the only new faculty" "And the only black guy,everybody's going to be looking at mE." "I want you with me." "Yeah,walking in with a white woman - that should put you right under the radar." "Okay,yeah." "I've got you down in my book." "Wait." "That's my sister's birthday." "No,it isn'T.What the hell?" "I'll see you on thursday." "Okay." "Definitely." "Well,happy birthday to me." "Hey,who wants to light a bag of dog poop in pete's mailbox" "And then go to baskin-robbins for ice cream cake?" "You're here." "I was waiting for you." "Were you?" "Yeah." "Cause I was knocking on the door for kind of a long time." "Oh,no,no,no." "I was just putting on a few final touches." "Oh,that's for you." "You subscribe now,you get an apron." "You were sleeping." "You're exhausted." "No,no,no." "I mean,I'm,you know,I'm just a little tired." "I had to get up at 4:00 this morning to pay bills." "And then I had to check ritchie's homework,then I had to do ritchie's homework" "And then I had to open up the gym,and then I had to close the gym" "While I took ritchie his homework that he forgot." "And then I had to reopen the gym." "And then I had to apologize to the woman that I locked in the gym." "But,anyway,now I am here and I am ready to." "Go. hah!" "Okay." "Ready." "Christine,you have a lot going on." "I know it's hard for you get away in the middle of the week." "Let's do this another time." "No,no,no,no,no." "There is no other time." "This is my only night without ritchie." "Oh,but,man,I am so tired." "I don't think i can go out tonight." "how about if we just stay here,and you and i have a little alone time?" "okay,I got powerade,orange slices,band-aids,ice pack- what else am I missing?" "Personal boundaries,self-control,a desire to clean your house." "You're not wrong." "Okay,so listen." "Tonight,I have daniel's big cocktail." "party." "Sorry." "Thought you were going to say something else." "Go on." "All right,listen,matthew,this is a big night." "I have to make up for the last three dates I've cancelled with him" "So I have to be well-rested,so I may take a catnap on the way to the game,and then on the way back." "So you're asking me to drive?" "Oh,that's a good idea." "Hey,richard." "So you know that you're taking ritchie tonight,right?" "Yes,you told me ten times." "I even put it in my new blackberry." "There's no way it's 3:00 A.M." "Damn it." "Okay,now listen." "Just so you know,we have to come straight back here after the game" " daniel's thing starts at 6:00,so I have to start getting ready at,like,3:00." "I mean,this doesn't just happen in five minutes." "Well,this happens in five minutes but,you know,fixing it takes,like,hours." "Why don't you stay home,the n?" "We'll take ritchie." "He'll be fine." "No,no,no." "I can't miss ritchie's soccer tournament." "Anyway,it's a single elimination." "I mean,we'll be home by lunchtime." "What if ritchie's team wins?" "I can't believe we won all three games!" "Yeah." "And each one in overtime!" "That was amazing." "You were great." "I'm so happy!" "I am so screwed." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Where are all these people going?" "!" "All right,everybody calm down!" "Daniel's dinner starts in 20 minutes." "Matthew,how far away are we?" "Well,let's see." "At three miles per hour,we should be there in five,ten. tuesday." "Don't let this guy in!" "Don't!" "Matthew!" "I am the driver,and that was an ambulance." "It's okay." "Those things never start on time." "It'll clear up." "There's always traffic here." "There's a hooters and a water park." "They must be zoned for boob." "That's his favorite joke." "I'm going to call daniel again on his cell." "Daniel,hey,it's me." "It's christine." "Hello." "Are you there?" "Can you pick up?" "Pick up!" "So you think he has an old-fashioned answering machine on his cell phone?" "You don't know." "Anyway,we are,uh,we're still stuck in traffic and uh. but I'm on my way,okay?" "And I'm going to be there as soon as I can." "Oh!" "Hi." "Hi." "You're there." "Hi." "Hello?" "A - daniel?" "I thought I just heard you pick up." "Okay,anyway,listen." "I'm on my way." "I'm on my way,okay?" "I'll see you soon." "Bye." "Oh,gosh." "Man." "It is so frustrating dating somebody who doesn't carry a cell phone." "Can I have my phone back,please?" "Christine,would you mind opening the window?" "We could use a little air back here." "It's not okay." "It wasn't me." "It's ritchie." "My body's changing!" "You know what?" "Give me the cell phone." "I'm going to call barb and have her go to the party and tell daniel I am on my way" "And I'm not going to blow him." "Him off." "Thought you were going to say something else." "Look,pete,I'm sure there's plenty of people that hate you enough to key your car." "I don't know why you would immediately jump to me." "Well,you tell your neighbors to mind their business." "No,I did not put dog poop in your mailbox." "Did they see me do that?" "Well,then you're paranoid." "I got to go." "Hello." "Hey,barb,it's me." "Where are you?" "Ugh!" "Stuck in traffic." "Listen,I need you to drive to the crestridge hotel in santa monica" "And tell daniel that I'm running late." "Hello?" "Barb?" "Hello?" "Oh,god,I've lost her." "No,I heard you." "I just don't want to do it." "Barb,please?" "My relationship depends on you finding daniel and giving him my message." "Okay,I'll do it." "What do you want me to tell him?" "Tell him that I did not forget,that I'm on my way,and just entertain him until I get there so he doesn't feel neglected." "He will not feel neglected." "I know exactly what to do." "No,barb." "No." "Breaking up." "barb." "okay,well,whatever." "That'll buy me some time." "I think I need a shower." "I think you need more than that." "I mean,maybe." "I don't know." "Do you?" "Look at this." "The traffic is letting up." "Okay." "All right." "We may make it with time to spare." "I'll just throw on my clothes,slap on a little makeup." "My hair's already." "awful!" "What?" "!" "Excuse me,I'm looking for daniel harris." "Are you the girlfriend we've heard about?" "No,I'm newly single." "Trying to keep my options open." "What's your deal?" "Mr. Harris is over there." "Barb?" "I was looking for you." "Hey,what's that guy's deal?" "He was hitting on me." "hard." "Christine isn't coming,is she?" "Yes,she is." "She's just running a little late,but she's on her way." "But she's authorized me to keep you entertained in whatever way I see fit." "She really said that?" "No,I was joking." "Oh. that,that's funny." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Thank you." "Okay,how does that look?" "Is that any better?" "Oh,yeah,much better." "Nice and big." "What do I care?" "My hair is the least of my worries." "I can't wear a sweat suit to daniel's banquet." "I have to look cute." "That looks cute." "Thank you." "Take off your clothes." "What?" "We're about the same size,and I don't have anything else to wear." "We need to swap clothes." "Oh,boy!" "So,it's the first time we spent time alone together." "I think you're right." "So you and christine,huh?" "Yep." "Okay,you keep those headphones on and you stay under that blanket,do you hear me,ritchie?" "Oh,hey,is that kristi yamaguchi in the car next to us?" "Okay,he's not listening." "What?" "He loves kristi yamaguchi." "And you just let him." "Okay,take off your clothes." "Our relationship is so complicated." "Wha. what are you doing?" "Trying to see everything I'm not related to." "Eyes forward." "So,would it help you two ladies to feel more comfortable if I were to get undressed,too?" "Ass." " Ass." "Hey,that's a cute bra." "It's really soft,too." "Feel." "Wow!" "That is soft." "It goes with this underwear." "You call that tiny little thing underwear?" "What is that?" "Is that a birthmark?" "It's a butterfly tattoo." "Hey,you want to see something cool?" "Sure." "car!" "You know I always thought I liked mint,but what I really like is spearmint." "I do not care for wintergreen." "Hey,look." "I'm running out of material here." "You got to help me out." "I'm sorry." "I just don't know how to respond." "You're talking about mint." "I'm talking about the gum industry's conspiracy to make us" "Think there's different kinds of mint." "I didn't get that." "We don't have to be friends." "Dan,barb,hi!" "I'm here!" "I'm here!" "God,I have to pee like a racehorse,but" "I can wait 'cause I know this is important - just don't make me laugh." "Don't worry." "Better not get her started on her hilarious gum conspiracy theories." "Hey,jackass,I was trying to entertain you." "What happened here?" "We don't like each other." "And it's mutual." "Well,thank you,barb." "Okay,baby gap." "Guess I'll talk to you later." "I'm gonna go steal a battery out of pete's car." "And then maybe get some gum." "She's interesting." "Well,she's a lot happier since the divorce." "So,look at you." "Yeah,I know." "I'm sorry I'm late." "I'm sorry I look like this." "I know this is an important night,but I'm here now,I'm all yours." "Well,good night,everyone." "Drive home safe." "I had a great time!" "got to say you really turned it around" "Dodge. covering all the teachers' valet charges was a classy move." "Well,lucky for me new christine left her credit card in her pocket." "Christine,I can't imagine anyone going through more than you did to be there for me tonight." "Oh,well,I care." "I know." "Um,here's the thing." "What?" "Oh,uh,no,no,no." "Oh,no,no,no,no,no." "I know what "here's the thing" means." "I know what the thing is." "Christine." "no,listen,I-I really,I don't want to hear it." "I don't really want to hear it." "Oh,good,good." "Good night." "I would love to spend every day with you." "Oh,done!" "Good night." "But you have a full-time job,a part-time ex-husband an angry best friend." "a kid,a brother who lives in your guesthouse." "I mean,look what you had to go through just to be with me for one night." "Yeah,I know,I know." "My schedule is so hectic right now,but it is gonna open up soon." "Is it?" "Yeah." "You know,I mean,um." "when ritchie goes to college." "I'm a single person,no kids,my job is over at 4:00 in the afternoon,my summers are off" " I have a lot of time." "So?" "Just get a hobby." "Get a second girlfriend." "I'll,I'll pick her." "Barb's available." "I pick barb." "I just want to be able to take off for the weekend with you." "I want to run off to a movie,go to a bar and listen to music." "Barb likes music." "I don't like barb." "That's why I picked her." "Oh,come on." "Come on." "We can't break up now." "We've been going out for three months." "We've just started to develop deep psychological bonds." "Yeah,and in three months we've gone on six dates?" "Well,I mean,how can we break up after only six dates,you know?" "We're just starting to get to know each other." "I haven't even peed in front of you yet." "Well,you know,on purpose." "Christine,come on." "I know." "Oh,god,I know." "I know." "This is impossible." "You're right." "Today was my day off." "Yeah." "I don't get another day off for,like,another three weeks." "I can't quit my job,so." "and I can't quit my kid." "And I wouldn't want you to." "So you're dumping me?" "Well,I'm gonna tell people that I dumped you." "Go ahead." "And when ritchie's older and if we're both still single." "oh,yeah,you're gonna be single,right." "You're not even gonna make it out to the car." "I should go." "Okay." "Okay." "See ya." "ooh!" "Dan!" "This has been a weird day."