"(whispering):" "Come on, come on, come on." "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on come on, come on, come on..." "Yes!" "(door opens)" "Hi." "Professor Chris Parish, history department." "Yeah?" "I know who you are." "We've met, like, ten times." "Look, my classroom is sweltering and I've left several messages about turning down the heat." "I'm sorry, I'd love to help you out here, pal, but, um... it's 5:00." "It's 3:00." "That clock says it's 5:00." "You set that clock forward." "It's not whatever time you say it is." "It kind of is." "(chuckling):" "Well, turn down the heat or I'm gonna have you fired." "Go ahead, pal." "A lot of people have tried." "Anyway, I'll see you Monday," "I got travel plans." "Okay." "Bye." ""I'm a big-time history professor." ""I'm gonna have you fired." "Uh, do you think my classroom is a little too hot?"" "(yelling):" "I don't know, I have no opinion on the matter!" "(fife and drums playing)" "(electronic whining)" "(whining grows louder)" "(horse whinnies)" "♪ ♪" "(Deborah laughing)" "I'm so glad that you were in town." "I've never had that much fun at the harvest festival." "Oh, Deborah, I am, like, obsessed with the harvest." "(giggles) Will you show me how to do that dance you taught everyone?" " "The Bartman"?" " Mm-hmm." "It's so simple." "It's just... back, front." " Do "The Bartman." - (laughing)" "Halt!" " Who goes there?" " Halt to you, good sirs." "DEBORAH:" "Oh, no, they're British soldiers." "Oh, okay." "I'll handle this." "Let's talk bro to bro." "Oh..." "Give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now." "We have ham." "My God." "I've never seen one in person." "It's beautiful." "Let's go!" "Come on." "(sighs)" "Those soldiers come in, steal a woman's best ham." "This world's gone crazy." "When did those British soldiers get here?" "Last night." "Last night?" "And no one rode around on a horse screaming, "The British are coming, the British are coming"?" "No." "No?" "What about... what about the king?" "People hate the king, right?" "Last time I was here, everyone was talking about, like, an "American Revolution." Does that ring a bell?" "(laughing)" "This is why I love you." "Who else would talk politics with a woman?" "Deborah, I have to go." "I..." "I think I need to fix something very important." "Where is it that you always go?" "To infinity... to infinity and beyond." "Byesies." "Byesies." "What an amazing, mysterious man." "(electrical whining)" "♪ ♪" "What are you eating?" "Um, fish and chips." "Fish and chips?" "That's what British people eat." "Oh, my God." "John Hancock showed an incredible amount of bravery." "How?" "Signing his name that big on The Declaration of Independence." "It would be like using your own name in an Internet comments section." "(laughter)" "(chuckles awkwardly)" "History isn't made by remarkable people." "It's made by unremarkable people doing remarkable things." "How are you going to make history today?" "(school bell rings)" "Excuse me." "Chris." "Chris!" "I have questions about colonial Massachusetts." "It's urgent." "You have urgent questions about colonial Massachusetts?" "Yes!" "So, what would've happened if" "Paul Revere never took his ride?" "Oh, well, the ride would allow the colonists to surprise the British." "DAN:" "Tea." "Not coffee, tea." "You have to come to my house right now!" "But I'm, like, so busy." "I have artifacts that you need to see." "DAN:" "It's a bunch of colonial stuff." "You're gonna flip your wig." "Everything's in the garage." "I'm not going in your garage!" "You got a pile of dead squirrels on your counter." "Those were a gift from my girlfriend." "Look, I'll go in your garage, but only if you give me a knife, 'cause if you try anything," "I am gonna stab you." "Fair enough." "Prepare to have your mind blown." "(container lid opening)" "A really big duffel bag?" "It's a time machine." "I go to the past every weekend." "Sometimes on Tuesdays." "Get in." "I'll zip you up." "Never." "No." "Why not?" "What story starts with a guy getting in a duffel bag in a garage and has a happy ending, Dan?" "Our story!" "The one that begins right now!" "Look... something screwed up the American Revolution." "You must have seen the changes." "Uh, what changes?" "The kid eating fish and chips." "Starbucks has advertisements for tea!" "(softly):" "Okay, uh, you're insane." "How do I have all this colonial junk then, man?" "This a vintage postal rate chart from 1775." "Yeah." "Look at the date!" "What are you doing?" "Stop!" "Are you eating it?" "I don't care!" "I could get so much more of that crap!" "What about this?" "Huh?" " This classic colonial pipe." " Okay, all right, Dan..." " Wha..." " (pipe breaking)" "(yells)" "Stop!" "Okay, okay." " Dan, Dan..." " Look at this clock." "It is priceless!" "What are you doing?" "I'm offering you a chance to start the American Revolution." "If there's even a .00001% chance that I'm right about this, don't you owe it to yourself to find out?" "CHRIS:" "This is so stupid." " What's at my feet?" " Ham." "You can eat it, trade bites for favors." "In the 1700s, ham was pretty much like diamond-covered heroin." "(electrical whining)" "(rooster crowing)" "(colonial music playing)" "(horse neighs)" "It's real?" "Yeah, I don't know why you're breathing so heavy." "It's not like we ran to the past." "We were just lying down, okay?" "(retches)" "Oh, I forgot to tell you, the past smells like poop because there is doody everywhere." "(colonial music playing)" "This is amazing!" "What, that alcoholic eating a pumpkin?" "(rooster crows)" "No, man, we're, like, in the past!" "Yeah." "(retching, spitting)" "You invented time travel!" "Yep." "Well, sort of." "Either way, welcome to April 21, 1775." "Just so you know, I think the guys in red are British." "This is really bad." "The American Revolution was supposed to start two days ago." "What have you been doing back here?" "I don't know." "Stuff." "So, fix it." "The Founding Fathers, they used to gather at this place called Buckman Tavern." " I know Buckman Tavern." " Yeah?" "Last time I was here, I got trashed there." "You like to party?" "Been known to have a white wine or three." "Oh, my God, this is gonna suck." "CHRIS:" "Are we close to Buckman Tavern?" "Yeah, we're close." "I just got to see my girlfriend real quick." "Wha... you're dating someone in the past?" "Look, I told you, I'm really popular around here." "We have to start the American Revolution!" "It already didn't happen." "What's the difference if it doesn't happen for another ten minutes?" "Now, could you please, like, give me some privacy?" "I don't want her to see you." "She'll be here any second." "Where am I supposed to go?" "I don't know, it's the woods." "Burrow!" "(gasping):" "Daniel!" "Daniel." "Deborah." "I've missed you." "DAN:" "I've missed you, too." "DEBORAH:" "Here." " Oh, what is this?" " A gift." "It's nothing, really." "I just was thinking about how cold you must be, so I made you a hat." "Put it on." "Oh, yeah, let..." "Okay." "I disguised myself in a female bear carcass and then slaughtered the male when he became aroused." "Wow. (laughs)" "Whoa." "Um, I didn't get you anything, but, um," "I wrote you another song." "Oh." "♪ Every night in my dream ♪" "♪ I see you ♪" "♪ I feel you ♪" "♪ That is how I know you ♪" "♪ Go on ♪" "♪ Near ♪" "♪ Far ♪ (branch snaps)" " (gasps, yells) - (yelps)" "Who are you?" "Deborah, this is, um Queequag." "He's going north and I'm helping him." " CHRIS:" "Hello." " Hi." "Queequag is from the West Indies, so the only word he knows is hello." "Oh, well, then he must speak some Dutch." "Queequag... (speaking Dutch)" "Queequag got ran over by a bunch of... loose mules," " and it kind of scrambled him." " Oh." "So..." "How do you speak Dutch?" "That's amazing." "You're the amazing one, helping this halfwit to freedom." "(sighs) Well, I should go." "My parents will be looking for me." "Byesies." "Byesies." "Don't make fun of the byesies thing." "You know how couples get when they're in that "in love" stage." "What are you doing?" "What?" "You travel back in time and then pass yourself off as some male Celine Dion?" "No, it's just... these colonial people, they don't know any better." "Sometimes I use things from the future to make 'em like me more here." "Oh..." "Super pathetic." "CHRIS:" "The Buckman Tavern." "DAN:" "If the American Revolution started here, we just need to restart it, right?" " (indistinct chatter)" " CHRIS:" "Oh, my God, some of the Founding Fathers are here!" "That's James Swan and Joseph Warren and William Dawes." "I am gonna give a speech that will rally a revolt." "I've been here a lot," "I'm not sure these people are gonna listen to you." "I think I got it." "(Chris clears throat)" "Pardon me, gentlemen." "Slave!" "Slave!" "Who brought a slave in here?" "!" "Wow, good to see Boston hasn't changed." "Ezekiel, we've talked about this." "Sorry." "Taxation without representation!" "(man booing)" "Boring!" "Well, how long must we live with King George's boot upon our necks?" "(chairs moving, guns cocking)" "MAN:" "Hey!" "That's our king you're talking about." "(whispering):" "Try something from a movie." "(as Chris Tucker):" "It's Friday." "You ain't got no job, and you ain't got nothing to do." "DAN (whispering):" "A white movie." "Show-show me the money." "Show me the money." "Show me the money!" "Show me the money!" "(chuckles)" " ALL:" "Yeah!" " Show me the money!" "(laughter)" "Show me the money!" " (laughing and shouting)" " Show me the money!" "Show me the money!" "Show somebody the money!" " Money." " DAN:" "Show me the money!" "Show me the money!" "Ezekiel, show me the money!" "Show me the money!" "(chuckling):" "Show me the money." "Dan, what the hell was that?" "That's 1775." "Hey, I was thinking, maybe we just go talk to my friends, John and Sam." "They seem like pretty big players around here." "Are you talking about John Hancock and Sam Adams?" "Oh, yeah." " Show me the money." " (both laugh)" "I don't know why I like that, but I do." "So have you two heard anything" " about fighting the British?" " HANCOCK:" "Mm." "A month ago, it was all anyone could talk about, but then Paul Revere sort of fell off the map." "ADAMS:" "I haven't seen him in a few weeks." "So he's probably dead." "Dead?" "Which might be a boon." "At our meetings, he would just keep talking and talking and talking until everyone agreed to do whatever he said." "HANCOCK:" "Anyway, would you like to try Sam's new beer?" "Yeah, absolutely." "Thank you." " (gulps)" " You like it?" "(stifled laughter)" "That is... that is really good." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." " You think it's good?" " Yeah." "Because you just drank" " from the chamber pot!" " (laughter)" "(pounding the table)" "(Chris coughs)" "Oh, my God!" "Oh." "Don't worry," "We've all fallen for it." "(laughing):" "These guys are the best." "ADAMS:" "Daniel, tell me." "Is it true that you've been... courting Deborah Revere, you sly cad?" "Your girlfriend is Paul Revere's daughter?" "No. (stammers)" "What else are you guys doing tonight?" "ADAMS:" "Eh, some of the churchmen, uh, get together for a wild Satanic orgy in the woods that we all deny in the morning." "HANCOCK:" "Well, I'm gonna amble down to the creek, take a sip of the cool water, contract a parasite," "CHRIS:" "Since you want to be such a puffy-faced idiot and date" "Paul Revere's daughter, now it's up to us to get him back on track, all right?" "Here's a little bit of backstory on him." "His father was a French Huguenot named..." "Got it." "God!" "(metal clanging)" "(whispering):" "That is Paul Revere." "I know." "Take a selfie with him." "(camera shutter sound)" "Yes?" "Uh... he... he had something he wanted to tell..." "Tell him." "Um, we-we are, uh, good, ordinary, common folk who are thinking about waging war against the British," " and we thought that you..." " The British?" "(scoffs) The British?" "Have you any idea what's going on in my life right now?" "No." "Uh... oh is... is that-is that pewter?" "I arranged for my daughter Deborah to marry a blacksmith for quite a dowry." "Then I find out she's sneaking around with some... blaggard." "Your daughter is probably a..." "What do you know about my daughter?" "Ham?" "(metal clattering)" "The British can wait until I find and kill Deborah's suitor with this weapon I've been forging." "DAN:" "Cool." "That's cool, that's a-that's a..." "You should get... you have a patent on that?" "Um, but if you do change your mind," "I'm Tom Cruise." " This is Magic Johnson." " Yep." "We're the Blues Brothers, and uh, let's keep a line of communication open just in case anything, like... good-bye!" "(door slams)" "(whispering):" "They're not brothers." "CHRIS:" "You have got to break up with her." "What are you, out of your mind?" "Paul Revere wants to kill you." "Wow." "Is this all a big joke to you?" "Toying around with the history of the world so you can have a girlfriend." "She's not just a girlfriend." "I am in love with her." "Deborah is a brilliant and intelligent woman who is treated like garbage in 1775." "You're tricking her with the Titanic soundtrack." "I am using those things to... help me tell her how special she is when I can't find the words." "In 1775, I have an amazing girlfriend." "In 2016, I'm, like, a colossal screwup." "You're not a screw up." "You invented time travel." "If anything, you're, like, the smartest dude in the world." "I didn't exactly invent time travel." "I discovered it." "What's the difference?" "I discovered it amongst my father's possessions" " after he passed away." " I should've known." "Dan, you brought me back here and asked, "What do I do?"" "Here's what you do." "Break up with Deborah and clean up this selfish mess you've made." " I'm selfish?" " Yes!" "You teach history." "I brought you back in time." "You haven't even said thank you." "Thank you for what?" "All that's happened is I puked," "I had an axe thrown at my head," "I was treated like a slave, and I drank" "John Hancock's urine!" "He is my idol, Dan!" "My number one." "And I drank the pee of the man who is my number one!" "Well, I don't think it was just John Hancock's, FYI." "I think everyone had a squeeze." "You get treated better than me in this time." "DEBORAH:" "And there's this house I think we should look at." "It's five dollars." "I'm just not ready for a commitment right now." "What commitment?" "There's a flu going around." "We'll be lucky to live through the winter." "You should probably marry Blacksmith Gish." "He's a good man." "He can provide a life of stability and various kinds of steel." "He's a dunce." "I once saw him challenge a bag of grain to a duel." "But didn't he win that duel?" "No." "Why are you doing this?" "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." "You owe me the chance." "This is gonna sound crazy." "I'm from the future." "(chuckles softly)" "I am." "I'm from the future." "2016." "And I was bored there and lonely, and living in the shadow of my father, so I found a way to travel through time." "Every place I went," "I tried to become someone else." "Until I met you." "But, unfortunately, us being together has changed some things in history." "It's just breaking my heart." "It's okay if you don't believe me." " I believe you." " It's..." " You do?" " Yes!" "It all makes sense now." "Your odd language, your..." "wondrous songs, and how you believe everything that I say that others call nonsense about women being equal and everyone deserving opportunity." "You're so ahead of your time." "It's happened in the future." "Women can even die in war." " That's so wonderful." " It's fantastic." "I can't imagine my life without you." "You're... tender and caring and sensitive, and almost feminine in a way that the men of 1775 never allow themselves to be." "And you always know just what to say." "Deborah, you complete me." "And you had me at hello." "Aw." "You had me at hello, Deborah." "Mm!" "CHRIS:" "Take your hands off me, you miscreant!" " Queequag!" " Something's happening." " CHRIS:" "Get off of me!" "Let me go!" " (soldier calls out indistinctly)" " CHRIS:" "Hey!" "Hey!" " (horse whinnies)" "BRITISH SOLDIER:" "You shut your face." "Dan!" "Deborah!" "Help me!" "They'll kill him." "We have to get him back." "Yeah, I guess we do." "CHRIS:" "Help!" "(horse whinnies)" "CHRIS (high-pitched):" "Help!" "Someone help!" "DAN:" "We're losing 'em." "We can head them off this way." "CHRIS (high-pitched):" "Dan!" "Deborah!" "Help!" "Someone help me!" "(grunting)" "I loved you, Jeremy." "(screams) A woman?" "That's right, a woman." "Don't act so shocked." "Yeah, ride away, you sexist pig." "(softly):" "Oh, my God." "I love you, Deborah." "Girl, I love me some Deborah." " Oh, my God, that was an amazing shot." " Untie me, untie me, untie me." "It's a miracle." "Queequag speaks." "Deborah, I'm sorry, this is not Queequag." "This is my friend Chris from 2016." "He came back with me to help me fix things here." "Oh, so in 2016, black people and white people are friends." " Yes, exactly." " Not at all." "What?" "You don't think so?" "Look, I have a plan." "You guys go back to 2016, leave me behind." "What?" "Why?" "I'm gonna start the American Revolution." "So, I get to leave this miserable time." "Deborah, are you sure you're ready for this?" "You know, in the future," "I'm..." "I'm not some special guy, I'm just..." "I-I can't imagine anyone, anywhere in time more special than you." "Save it for the duffel bag." "Okay?" "And Dan, I apologize." "I misjudged you." "Well, Chris, I was right about you." "You're the type of guy that can help save history." "Here." "Take this." "What's this?" "(whispering):" "Weed." "(whispering):" "Makes sense." "Let's go." "(bag zips up)" "You ready to go to the future?" "(chuckles)" "(switch clicks, powers up)" "(whirring and buzzing)" "(loud boom, powers down)" "(sniffs, then chuckles softly)" "It smells wonderful here." "Does it?" "Where you going?" "Wait." "DEBORAH: "Chris Parrish, killed at the Battle of Lexington," "April 24th, 1775."" "That's tomorrow."