"That's a cool snake tattoo on your back." "Thanks." "That's Anacoth, the demon who eats human souls." "My friend Jeffrey has a dog that eats its own poop." "He tries to lick our face but we don't let him." "Okay." "Who's that one?" "That's the Goddess of the Damned." "She whose name cannot be spoken." "Why, is it hard to pronounce?" "What?" "We have a friend at school like that." "He's from India." "We just call him Rusty." "No kidding." "Does it hurt to get tattoos?" "Yeah." "But it's worth it, you know?" "Sure." "Once I bit my tongue really hard eating a frozen Milky Way but it was totally worth it." "Good morning." "Hey, Dad." "Hey." "Hi, I'm Alan, Jake's dad." "Isabella." "She's a friend of Uncle Charlie's." "I would hope so." "Yeah, and she was showing me her tattoos." "Lucky you." "There was a time you'd have to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that." "Now it's right at your breakfast table." "Go get dressed." "I wanna see the rest of her tattoos." "Go." "I have a quarter." "Jake." "All right." "Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy but we keep the house smoke free." "I'm sorry." "Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night." "Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis." "Morning, baby." "Hey." "If you don't like it, don't watch." "I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower." "You wanna join me?" "Sure." "Just let me get some fluids in me so I got something to work with." "Hurry." "Anacoth is hungry." "Anacoth is hungry?" "She's referring to her snake tattoo." "Her vagina is called Linda." "Pretty name." "Listen, I don't wanna overstep my bounds." "This is your house and you're free to bring into it whoever or whatever you choose." "But I do think I have the right to protect Jake from being exposed to certain people." "Well, you'd better take him to a hotel." "Because that girl ain't leaving till one of us is dead." "Come on, Charlie." "No." "No." "You come on." "You see a little body ink and cigarette and you immediately condemn her." "She's smart, she's got a great sense of humor and in bed she moves like one of those paint shakers at Sherwin-Williams." "Nevertheless, I would rather she didn't hang around Jake." "Fine." "I'll talk to her." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Now, unless you wanna lather up my fanny I'm gonna go hop in the shower with Anacoth and Linda." "Isabella." "I" " I didn't hear you come in." "You weren't meant to." "So you think I'm a bad influence on your kid?" "Well, gee, I wouldn't put it that way." "But, you know, kids are impressionable." "And the violent psychosexual imagery of your body art not to mention the smoking aren't something a young boy needs to" " Why are you taking my hair?" "Just a little quirk of mine." "I used to collect stamps." "You know, people like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years." "Well, that's a bit hard to believe." "Seeing as people like me have historically been victims and food." "But just for clarity who exactly are the people like you?" "Those whose eyes are open to a greater reality than you could ever imagine." "I see." "And do they all collect hair?" "Don't mock what you don't understand." "I'm sorry." "I tend to resort to mocking when I'm totally creeped out." "I don't like you." "Yeah, well I'm rubber, you're glue." "Something, something, something, you." "So be it." "So be it." "So be it." "Damn it." "What the hell?" "I don't think so, Mom." "First of all, I'm just not a big fan of costume parties." "Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz." "I don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real-estate agents dressed like Judy Garland." "Okay, I'll get him." "Mom wants to ask you something." "Hi, Mom." "No." "What happened to your face?" "Nothing, I just thought I'd put little blood-soaked pieces of toilet paper on it." "What do you think?" "It suits you." "What's the deal with your eye?" "I don't know." "I think I'm getting a sty." "Might be a bit much with the toilet paper." "I'd go with one or the other." "Thank you for your input." "No problem." "Where you going?" "Isabella's taking me to a party." "She said it's gonna be out of control." "Can you imagine what this girl considers to be out of control?" "Well, let's see." "Biting the head off a live chicken?" "Vivisecting homeless people and playing Hacky Sack with their still-beating hearts?" "What are you talking about?" "Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?" "So she's a little kinky." "No, no, no." "Kinky is a feather duster up your butt." "I think this woman tried to put a curse on me." "Oh, please." "Who of us hasn't done that?" "To know you is to curse you." "She took my hair." "She took your hair?" "Y eah." "Yeah." "And then she laughed like:" "Oh, well, that's different." "So you see my concern?" "Yes, I do." "Good night." "Where you going?" "To pick up a bottle of wine and a feather duster." "You sure my Mercedes is okay parked on the street?" "I mean, I gave that crack whore $1 0 to watch it but now I'm thinking who's watching the crack whore?" "Don't worry about your car." "Okay." "So where are all the guys?" "How come I'm the only weenie in this pot of beans?" "Because this party is in your honor." "Really?" "What did I do?" "You're a vessel of the masculine life force." "You picked up on that?" "I tell people that all the time and they just get snotty." "These women are all my sisters." "They all want to please you." "Well, gosh, that's swell." "Then you're okay with this?" "lt was my idea." "Let me tell you something, Isabella, you are just tops in my book." "This is very tasty." "What'd you say this was?" "A secret elixir." "Secret elixir, huh?" "I'm more of a bourbon guy but push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either." "Oh, boy." "Getting a little fuzzy around the edges." "Got any crackers?" "He's ready." "You bet your gothic ass I am." "Where are we going?" "T o the altar room." "Oh, boy." "What's the altar room?" "It's where we anoint you." "Oh, boy." "I'm getting anointed." "Sounds nasty." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Anoint him." "Morning." "Morning." "Great googly-mooglies." "What the hell happened to you?" "l' m not sure." "Looks like you got bit in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys." "I don't think so, Berta." "I mean, you weren't exactly eye-candy going in." "But now:" "You could scare the flies off a manure truck." "Thank you." "Until you said that I was feeling a little self-conscious." "You know I'm razzing you, don't you?" "Yeah." "I mean, it's really not that" " Oh, sweet lord, I'm gonna lose my Eggos." "Okay, if open-mike night in the burn ward is over I'm gonna make breakfast and get out before Charlie's new girlfriend gets up." "Why, is she not as compassionate as me?" "She's just a very creepy woman." "Well, putting aside the whole pot-kettle thing, creepy how?" "Well, she's got tattoos all over her." "I've got tattoos." "And she's got this very dark, hostile attitude." "Okay, you might actually like her but I don't want to have anything to do with her." "Good morning." "Isabella." "Hello." "That's a nasty looking eye you've got there." "It's just a sty." "Right?" "What else would it be?" "Hey, Vampira tell Count Humpula to get out of bed so I can change his sheets." "Charlie and I are spending the entire day in bed." "We do not want to be disturbed." "Do you understand?" "Is it getting cold in here?" "Do you understand?" "Yep." "You betcha." "Thank you." "Bye, Alan." "Take care of that eye." "I will." "Thank you." "You see what I mean about--?" "What are you doing?" "Leaving." "Why?" "Did you see that bitch?" "You gotta put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that." "But wait a second" "Goodbye and good luck." "That is some sty." "This is no sty." "This is something else." "Something evil." "Something ugly." "You know what?" "I'm starting to think your girlfriend did this." "Oh, come on." "Charlie, this isn't just about me." "Have you taken a look at yourself recently?" "Oh, man." "It's gonna take more than a little spray-on tan to fix that." "Do you realize how long you've been upstairs with her?" "That depends." "On what?" "On what day it is." "It's Sunday evening." "I haven't seen you since you went to that party." "Oh, yeah, the party." "That was some great party." "What happened?" "I have no idea." "Although, I did wake up with this." "Oh, my God." "Am I Jewish now?" "Charlie, that's not the Star of David, it's a pentagram." "It's a satanic symbol used to call forth demons from hell." "Oh, that's not good." "You need to cut Isabella loose." "I can't." "Why not?" "Because together we shall spawn a child named Giglamesh." "And he shall bring forth a new age of darkness." "You know, maybe it's time to slow this relationship down a little bit." "Slow it down?" "You need to drive a stake through its heart." "ls she still here?" "Yeah." "Okay, here's the plan." "So we'll submit to her will and serve the Lord Beelzebub with all our hearts." "I'll grab Jake." "You start the car." "We'll drive somewhere safe." "I'm thinking the Vatican." "Don't be ridiculous." "What are you gonna do?" "You said it." "We have to cut her loose." ""We"?" "I didn't say "we. "" "I never said "we. "" "Hear us, oh, Horned One." "Wrap your dark wings around this young soul and grant him all the rewards he desires." "Okay, hi, Mr. Horned One." "Here's the deal, I'll trade you my soul for" "What do I get, like, three wishes?" "He's the Lord of the Underworld, not a genie." "Oh, okay." "Can I talk to a genie?" "Jake, get over here." "Sorry, Dad, but you're no longer my master." "The hell I'm not." "Go to your room." "I'm old enough to choose my own religion." "Go." "How dare you interfere?" "Good question." "Alan, tell her how we dare." "Hey, you brought her here, you get her out." "Are you trying to get rid of me?" "Okay, well, no, not you personally." "This is more of a legal issue." "It turns out Malibu is not zoned for satanic rituals." "Or any of the black arts, really." "Right, Alan?" "That's true." "You're fine in Hollywood." "Pretty much anywhere east of the 405 freeway, actually." "Shut up, Alan." "Just trying to help." "Did you really think that you can end this?" "I was kind of hoping." "Don't you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?" "Boy, I know how to pick them, don't I?" "Charlie, do you remember the vows you took last night?" "Vows?" "You took vows?" "What kind of vows?" "If you'll shut up, maybe we'll find out." "You vowed unending fealty to the sisterhood of the coven." "You did that?" "Why would you do that?" "Will you please shut up?" "I did that?" "Why would I do that?" "Did you think those beautiful women were pleasuring you because of your boyish charm?" "Well." "No, not all of them." "I just figured after the first three or four, word of mouth started to spread." "Wait, wait, how many women are we talking about here?" "I don't know." "Nine, 1 0" "Thirteen." "The sacred number." "And a personal best for me." "How do you have sex with 1 3 women at one time?" "Well, apparently, you have to take some vows." "Okay, okay, listen." "Thank the girls for me, tell them I had a wonderful time but tell them I have to pass on the fealty stuff." "I have a previous commitment to, you know, God." "It doesn't work that way, Charlie." "If you break your vows you bring down upon yourself the ancient curse of betrayal." "Well, that's the chance I'll have to take." "So be it." "So be it." "Just kidding." "Simply out of curiosity, what exactly is this curse?" "What should I be on the lookout for?" "Your crops will wither in the field." "Yeah, okay." "Your cattle will sicken and die." "Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk." "I gotta fold here, Alan." "Okay, you got me." "What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Giglamesh?" "Don't do this." "Hey, when she's shriveling your husk then you get a vote." "Go ahead, call the coven." "Wow, you gals could make a fortune delivering pizzas." "Mom?" "Boo, everybody." "Now, not a word, Charlie." "You're all coming with me to my costume party and I'm not taking no for an answer." "Evelyn?" "Isabella." "You know each other?" "In a manner of speaking." "What are you doing here?" "Nothing." "These are my sons." "It was an accident." "I had no idea." "Please, believe me." "Goodbye, Isabella." "Yes, goodbye." "Bye, Charlie." "Hold on, hold on." "What about the vows, the curse and the shriveling?" "I have no idea what he's talking about." "What?" "She's in my Pilates class." "I'll buy that." "Okay." "Now, are you coming to my party or you gonna give me a hard time?" "I'm coming to the party." "Me too." "Jake, come get your costume." "What's Mom gonna wear?" "Shut up." "Let's go." "Grand-mommy doesn't want to be late to her costume party." "Oh, come on, boys." "Sell it." "Very nice." "Now fly, my pets, fly." "I call shotgun."