" What are you up to?" " To meet my friends." "For what?" "We're gonna knock over a convenience store." "Don't lie to me, I know when you're lying." "Fine, not knock over, just shoplift." "What about your chores, the grass will not cut itself." "Not if we don't give it a chance." "Fine, go, I'll do it." "Are you gonna change first?" "Or are you gonna push that thing all the way to Mecca?" "I am proud of my appearance," "I bring dignity to everything I do." "Help!" "Get if off me!" "Get it off!" "I'm dying!" "It's just a sprain." " A fatal sprain?" " Sadly, no." "I'm almost dying." "Very dignified." "S02E01" " Grave Concern #freelance subs transcript/synchro : [dx] ortho :" "Till" "Hurray for season 2 !" " Salam aleikum." " Waleikum salam." " How's Baber?" " Oh, he'll be fine, he's a trooper." " Really?" " Well..." "Some kind of trooper panics at first sign of trouble." "A scaredy trooper." "I sure hope he can make it to Friday prayers, he's gotta do community announcements." " What about me?" " You're not gonna be here Friday?" " No, I could do the announcements." " You just you're not gonna be there." "No I'm saying, I, should do the announcements." "Oh, wait, are we talking about the same mosque?" "Bad rugs, next to church, full of men who don't women to do announcements" "Women spoke at the mosque, in the time of the Prophet, peace be upon him, and that was in the 7th century." " They didn't even have toilets." " Look, I'm as progressive as an ex-guy." "Girl... woman..." " But people are not ready for this." " So?" "Drag 'em into the 21th century." "Or back to the 7th." "I'm not gonna have to, cuz Baber's gonna be fine, thanks to your good doctoring." "You're good... woman doctoring." "I just don't fix wrists, I can break them too you know." "You were supposed to be here two weeks ago." "As a moderate protestant, I'm sure you've learned to live in the moment." "Look how overgrown these bushes are." "Don't worry, it's a lot more work, but I'm going to charge you the same." "If you'd come two weeks ago, I was going to tell you..." " I'm letting you go." " So it's a good thing I didn't come." " I'm letting you go now." " So really, you're the one that's two weeks late." "Nobody wants to be buried here anymore." "They wanna be buried in the new cemetery." "Yeah, the, the flashing one at the edge of town." "So, unless you know somebody who wants to buy a couple of dozen plots..." "I can't keep you on." "But..." " we have a contract." " Had a contract." "Try to live in the moment." "Can you believe Amaar?" "Why can't I do community announcements?" " If you want to, you should." " No I shouldn't." "Because the men in this congregation are dinosaurs." " Oh well then you shouldn't." " Yes I should." "Because how else are they going to learn?" "You want me to agree with you or not?" "It's a small thing but it opens a door." " And we want that door opened." " Yes." "Good, cuz I didn't know where you were going with this." "I'm going to do it." "And you're going to win." " Well, it's not about winning." " So what's it about?" "It's about the principle of the thing." "No really, what's it about?" "I don't have a clue of what you're talking about." "I almost had my hand cut off." "I thought that only happened when you people were caught stealing." "One more accident, I'm lucky to be here." "And we're lucky to have you." " Order something or get out." " It's no joke..." "I was almost killed, dead, no more Baber." "My friend... what if you had died, doing the lawn?" "No biggie, something would have finished it." " He's right." " Just for fun, imagine" " you died this morning" " OK." "You wouldn't be buried with muslims, you'll have to go with christians." "What's wrong with being buried with us?" "A muslim person likes to be buried with other muslims, on his right side." "Is it better for your back?" " With his face towards Mecca." " Mecca, right." "But here's a question for you: what about somebody from Mecca?" "When they croak, where do they face?" "Downtown." "The point is, brother Baber, we need a muslim cemetery." "Now, are you with me?" "I want to be buried with other muslims, on my side, facing Mecca, and I want it now!" "You're sure you don't wanna wait till you're dead?" " It's less claustrophobic." " We surely agree, a muslim cemetery would be good for the community." " It would be fun." " Yes, I think it's an excellent idea." "You have my permission." "Your permission, yes, that's why we came for." "And now that we have it, we were wondering, would you like to buy a plot?" "What?" "Are you nuts?" "Mercy's nice and everything..." "but... no." "No way I'm gonna die here." "There's nothing wrong with it, but not!" "It's not gonna happen, no way." "I mean, I like it here and everything." "I'm sorry." "We can't have women do announcements." "They already think I'm liberal and..." " beardless..." " So, girl-beard, get beardy." "They're itchy, you could, run the bulletin board." "You could hang the interfaith council poster." "That's like announcements, but they're here for a week." "or two, you could set the policy." "Oh really?" "You trust me with all that cork?" "Actually it's more like perks, you could take all the thumbtacks you want." "Actually, I'm joking, we are short on thumbtacks." "OK, this really, isn't about me." "This is about all women." "Who's taking all our thumbtacks?" "Look, I'm sorry, I would love to help you but..." "It's too controversial." "Could you maybe grow a spine or would that be itchy too?" "So here's the deal:" "I would bring you thirty new muslim plots." "I love it." "And you, will give me my groundskeeping contract back." " I like it." " I also want a commission." "I'm leaving." "Think about it." "Muslims don't grow in trees." "From what I've seen they've also gone through them." "Fine, I'll go to the new flashing cemetery at the edge" "OK!" "But I can't do all this, just on your say-so." "I need some kind of deposit." "Fair enough, it was my idea," "I should assume, some of the risks." "And the good news is, that your deposit is only $5.000" " Deposit?" "Why me?" " It seems only fair it was your idea." "You get to pay a deposit." "$5.000?" "I wasn't even there." "Very very cunning," "You see the person who pays the deposit, he'd expect you to come, you're a shrewd negotiator." "Well..." "A cheque is fine." "It's disruptive, besides, I saw Baber, he's not that hurt." "Baber got hurt?" "So we don't need a woman to do community announcements." "A woman is doing community announcements?" "See?" "Disruptive." " What happened to Baber?" " Just a sprain wrist." "I don't think a sprain wrist is worth an announcement." "No, he's saying a woman should do announcements." " I'm not saying that." " He's saying a woman can't" " do announcements." " I'm not saying that either." "A monkey could do announcements better than Baber." " A man-monkey or a woman-monkey?" " Is the monkey healthy," " or did he heart his wrist?" " Or her wrist." "All right!" "In the interest of fairness and so no one thinks I'm spineless," " we'll try it." " Good!" " Sister Sarah?" " Yes?" " You're doing community announcements." " Thank you." "What?" "It's not about you, right?" "It's about all women." "Why me?" "I don't even listen to announcements." " But maybe now you will." " It's possible." "So... which one of you guys is stealing these thumbtacks, huh?" "They're all gonna be waiting for you to fail, waiting to pounce." "I don't think they're gonna pounce." "You'll have to be twice as good as a male community announcements person." "Three times as good." "I need the sauce, can you stir pounce on this one?" "Sure!" "And I'll help, I'll collect the leads." " Leads?" " Yeah, for the announcements, we'll go through them together, we'll see what makes the cut." "We could put them in a binder." "Wow, two rings or three?" "Hum, I like three because it's" "Oh, your making fun of me." " Can I just wing it?" " No, you wing it, you make a mistake," " they pounce!" " I'm not worried about pouncing." "So what?" "You just expect me to do all the light work and you'll show up on the day?" "I like that idea, thank you honey, keep stirring." "And Yasir talked the man down to $5.000" " Your $5.000?" " Yes." "And you weren't even there?" "Obviously, you know nothing about negociations." "The man, putting up the money cannot be there because..." "Because..." "What is important is that after prayers," "I get to announce that we have our own muslim cemetery." "About that..." "And now with community announcements, sister Sarah Hamoudi." "That should be you up there." "We are with you, brother." "Hi, there is an interfaith council meeting." "We can skip that." "Well..." "Well, this one's in arabic so..." "Oh, here's one, Baber has organized a space for a muslim cemetery, everyone's invited to come on down and pick up your own grave." "There's, there's more here but," "We'll just skip it, thanks." "That was much shorter than what you do." "I like her." "Our very own cemetery!" "Scout that new cemetery smell." "Yes, very peaceful, lots of leg room." " Try it out, try it out." " I'm not going to lie in a grave." "You're missing out." "Let's see, which way is north-east?" "Why so quiet?" "We're in a graveyard you know, When In Rome?" "You're not still sad about the announcements?" "Oh no, of course not." "Drop dead." "You know, try this space here." "Right..." "I'm trying it for somebody else, I'm not dying in Mercy." "I like it here though, it's a great little town." "Understand these are quite a bargain." " I'm thinking of buying several." " What is that?" "Over there." "Mecca." "No you ignorant man, between us and Mecca." ""Belt Buckle Z"?" "I do not want to spend eternity, looking at a saloon." "Let's not exaggerate, it's not a saloon." "Well, there's a blinking sign that says "saloon"." " Well that's a deal-breaker." " That's not even how you spell it." "Well who is to say where Mecca is really." "I mean, we can face the other way, the long route." "You idiot." "You ruined my death!" "It's just as well, dad." " I mean, look at these bushes." " Yes." "Now whoever ruins these is a real butcher." "Why would I wanna buy a grave?" "Because everyone needs one, eventually." "Yeah I was hoping to buck the trend." "Listen, I represent a cemetery that's silver stocked." " Yasir." " It's a buyer's market." " Yasir" " There's never been a better time." "Can we skip ahead to the part where I say no?" "I really need to work on my self speech sometimes." "You need to find yourself a sucker." "Why would I buy a plot in the muslim cemetery?" "I already have a spot at the flashy one at the edge of town where all the action is." "It's an investment, Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world." " No offence." " Hey, what can you do?" "They keep making muslims but they don't make more land." "You'll be in on the ground floor." "But is it at the across the country western bar?" "Exactly, country music is the fastest growing music in the world." "And eventually, they converge." "I'll think about it." "What do I need to do, to put you in a grave today?" "I'm done thinking." "Wow, you're cheerful." "It's community announcement day, everybody loves my announcements." " And, my research." " Oh yes, sure, I guess." "You know maybe I should throw a funny story." "I don't think that's appropriate, you're representing womanhood." "Womanhood can be funny." "Perhaps this is my fault." "I just assumed, when we got a woman to do the announcements, it would be someone who'd do a good job." "You're just upset because I am the announcement doer you could never be." "It's just that it would be nice of you to acknowledge the work that I do." "Well if you don't wanna help, don't help." "Well fine, I won't." "Good, cuz you don't know any funny stories anyway." "I know funny stories." "Dad, you remember the story I told you about the farmer that came into my office, he had this rash" "Oh that was so sad." " It's good you do a try." " It's a binder." " Salam aleikum my friends." " Waleikum salam." " Partner..." " Partner?" "Isn't that how you cowboys talk?" "Baber likes cowboy music so much, he wanna be buried next to it." "With his boots on." "Starfallah, buried with my boots on." "I'm not to blame, it's Yasir." "Yes, yes, we understand." "Why don't you plug him full of lead?" "Light him up on Boot Hill?" " With his boots on!" " Yipee Kay yay yay!" "Get 'em, Tex." "And then, when I was twelve, we got a turtle." "And we called the turtle "Frank" but, we should have called her Francine, because it turns out" "What?" "Oh announcements, ok." "Ball-hockey practice has been moved to Range rd 4 at 3PM." "But let's get back to the turtle." "OK, don't forget, ball-hockey practice is at Range rd 4 at 3PM, bye." "This is not ball hockey." "A monkey could do better announcements." "Buckle..." "Z" " It can't be a mistake, it lights up." " This is a fiasco." "I loose my deposit and I'm a laughing stock." "Yes, well I'm sorry I ruined your good name." "Yeah, which is now "Tex", thanks to you." "There is no other choice but to explain it to them." "They'll have to close the bar." " You should think about this." " They will not call me Tex." "They will not say "Yipikay kay kay" to me." "Someone was yelling at you in japanese?" "What a den of vice." "We should go." "Five cents chicken wings, is that possible?" " May I help you guys?" " Yes!" "I, would like you, to stop serving alcohol, and no more mixed-dancing" " I want a coke." " What?" " I'm thirsty." " What're you babbling about?" "Across the street there's a muslim cemetery, we don't want to spend eternity watching a bunch of cowboys drinking." "Yeah well, maybe cowboys don't wanna drink being watched by a bunch of dead muslims." "And besides, we're not a cowboy bar, we're a sports bar." " We're not?" " I always thought it was a cowboy bar." " You know, "Belt Buckles"." " Yeah but we watch sports." "No more alcohol, you shut it down right now." "There's a wagon wheel on the wall, you know." "In a sports bar there'll be pennants." "You'd better clear out of here or there's gonna be trouble." " Do not point your scooter at me sir." " We should go." "He's personally colliding, his scooter with my leg." "Come on, let's go, common'." "This place ain't going anywhere, you'll shut it down over my dead body." "How many of you own your own funeral plots?" "Range road 4, three o'clock," "Range road 3, four o'clock, everyone can make that mistake." "It was Range road 10 at two." "What happens to our laughs because I didn't get to finish my turtle story." "You cannot rush a good turtle story." "The point is, you two will have to work as a team." "Well there's two points, the turtle story, wasn't good, and you two will have to work as a team." "I do all the work, she talks about turtles." "You're ignoring the larger issue, this makes me, look bad." " I can't force you to work together." " Fine, I'll do it on my own." "How can I force you to work together?" "OK, fine, I'll help her, but," "I want to be the mosque's representative on the interfaith council." " You don't wanna do that." " That's my price." "Fine, your on the interfaith council." "What is the interfaith council?" "You've done three announcements about it." "Oh, I don't listen to those things." "Peaceful..." "And, only a stone throw from your den of iniquity." "Think about it, you'll be able to lookout over 5 cents chicken wings, forever..." "Only on Tuesday actually." " I'll buy one." " Who else wants a plot?" "Plenty of good ones available." "Hurray for infidels." "And then we found out that Francine the turtle was inside my boot." "And, speaking of death," "Baber found us a new space for us at the flashing new cemetery at the far edge of town." "Gee... that funny turtle story's kinda sad." "You picked her, remember" "I get to be the mosque's representative on the interfaith council." "A deal is a deal." "So Marge, you'll do the brownies," "Rebecca, you'll do the date squares and Amala, you're on cupcakes." "Is this all we're going to do?" "Baking?" "Because as women, shouldn't we be challenging the status quo?" "If you don't know how to bake, just say so." "OK..." "Put me there for a walnut cake." "So this is the new flashy cemetery at the edge of town, it's a little less flashy than I expected." "Reverend Magee has a plot here, he seems really happy with it." " Nice, unobstructed view." " You did well." " Tex." " Please don't call me that." "Look I see the deer and the antelope play." "I'm not a cowboy, a man's grave is his castle." "So, we are happy, the cowboys are happy," "I make a modest profit and I got a plot." " Right here." " Nice, so where is mine?" " What?" " You bought me a plot, right?" "But your's the only plot left in that section, I need it for my wife." "I've had that plot a long time, it has sentimental value." "It's extortion, what you're charging." "You were right about these graves, great investment." "transcript/synch : [dx] ortho :" "Till // #freelance subs"