"Guys with Kids is taped iin front of a live studio audience." "Boys, the time has come." "We've been without a TV for six months." "Now, we've had some quality time as a family, but..." "It's time to put all that behind us." "The great sale is near." "Black Friday!" "Yes." "Yes!" "I just have to be one of the first seven people in line when they open the doors the night of Thanksgiving, and I will take home a $4,000 television for $100!" "Okay, Gary." "Have fun in line." "Oh, Marny, I'm surprised how well you're taking that I'll be missing Thanksgiving to spend three days in line." "This level of understanding is out of character for you and... giving me the heebie-jeebies." "Oh, I'd be furious if I actually thought you were gonna miss Thanksgiving." "Oh, you don't think I can do it?" "Gary, you don't do well with cold." "You actually have Yoda warm up the toilet seat for you." "It's part of the boy's allowance, all right?" "Men, gather round." "They told the Pilgrims that they would die on the cold shores of America." "A lot of them did." "In honor of those who didn't," "I'm getting me a big-ass TV." "Good-bye, family." "I love ya." "I like that guy." "♪ Why would you walk when you can run?" "♪" "♪ everybody sing it out" "♪ why would you walk when you can run?" "♪" "Oh, Sheila, it shouldn't be this hard to figure out who gets Ernie for Thanksgiving." "Fine." "Let's cut to the chase." "Ernie, who do you want to spend Thanksgiving with?" "I'm joking." "But if he somehow does indicate me," "I think we should honor it." "Okay... fine." "Um, how about this?" "Since we can't decide, you, me, and Ernie spend his first Thanksgiving together." "So just me, my son, and my ex-wife." "Should we really kill a turkey for that?" "You know, I could see what my friends are doing." "I hate your friends." "You hate your friends." "Who doesn't hate their friends?" "I don't." "I love my friends." "Well, what are they doing for Thanksgiving?" "Uh, Nick and Emily are going to his cousin's." "Gary's waiting in line for three days to get a cheap TV." "Oh, I never thought I'd know one of those people." "Uh, well, okay." "It's too bad." "I was thinking, if they were around," "I would have them all over." "You would?" "Why?" "Well, I live in the building now." "You all have your Sunday night dinners together, and I'm never included." "I don't get to use the Costco card you all share." "Would you ever buy in bulk?" "Ugh." "No." "But I would like the opportunity to decline." "The truth is, I always feel a little like an outsider here." "Having everyone over for Thanksgiving would be a great opportunity for me to become part of the group." "But now it'll just be you, me, Ernie, and whatever delicious treat PBS has on tap for us." "Oh, Ernie, we're in trouble." "Uh, actually, you know, Marny is free." "And I'm sure I could get Nick and Emily to change their plans, so" "Great." "Then that's settled." "Just like the Pilgrims won over the Wampanoag, this Thanksgiving, I too will win over a group of unsophisticated savages." "Mm." "Emily, you have outdone yourself with the stuffing this year." "That is not cooked yet." "There are raw eggs in that." "You'll get salmonella." "I mean, the damage is done." "I'm gonna keep at it." "Hey." "Get this." "Sheila and I couldn't decide who gets Ernie for Thanksgiving, so it's just gonna be the three of us in her apartment." "Ha, ha, ha!" "That sounds terrible." "♪ You have to go to Sheila's" " And so do you two." " What?" "I'm calling in the favor you owe me from your wedding." " No." " No." "Not now." "You can't." "It's Thanksgiving." "Yes, now." "You two told me you'd give me anything if I would trash can Annie's date to your wedding." "Huh." "Trash can Annie." "I really wish you would stop calling my sister that." "You know, she hasn't gotten drunk and fallen in a trash can in eight months." "Okay, then that's that." "So we are going to Sheila's." "A deal is a deal." "But if we do this, you've finally gotta tell us how you stopped trash can Annie from getting drunk and ruining our wedding." "I let her get a little handsy with me, you know." "I'm not proud of it." "I'm a little proud of it." "Oh!" "Whoo!" "It's much colder out here than I thought it would be." "You know, I've been keeping my hands down in my pants, but everybody keeps staring." "You know, can I--can I warm 'em up on your stove, man?" "Sorry." "Every man for himself." "That's just the way it is out here on the line." "Hey, hup!" "Okay, well, uh, can we at least all huddle like penguins for warmth?" "Will somebody at least lay on top of me?" "I promise I'll be cool." "Gary?" "Whoa." "Oh, my God." "It's morning." "I made it." "I made it!" " Here, we brought you a" " Ooh!" "Oh, yeah." "Ooh." " Wow." " Mm." "Looks like a walrus eating a seal." "Marny was right." "This was a bad idea, man." "I don't think I'm gonna make it." "Gary, it's only been one night." "I don't care." "It's cold!" "I don't like these people." "They're mean to me." "They didn't even want to cuddle with me, 'cause they're a bunch of jerks!" " Dad!" " Hey!" "What's up, boys?" "Good." "Dad, how are you doing?" "Great." "A couple of homeless guys came over at 4:00 in the morning and taught us kung fu for an hour." " Come on, Gary." " What?" "Stop pretending." "I know you're miserable." "Let's just go home." "We'll make you some hot chocolate, some soup." "I'll run you a nice bath." "Can I eat my soup in the bath?" "Whatever you want." "Dad, don't do it!" "The Pilgrims died so you could get a big-ass TV!" "You're right, boys." "I'm not going anywhere." "I can do it." "All right, Gary." "Suit yourself." "But it's gonna be record-low temperatures tonight." "Bring it on." "Bring it on!" "I'm tough!" "I'm strong!" "What am I gonna do?" "I'm gonna die out here." "I'm gonna die." "I'm so jealous you get to die." "I have to go to Sheila's." "What's going on?" "Is Ernie okay?" "He's fine." "Why?" "Because you called me at 11:00 at night and told me to get up here right now." "I'm just trying to figure out a theme for tomorrow's Thanksgiving feast." "I'm toying with period garb." "We will each represent a native American tribe." "I call Penobscot." "Yes." "No, Sheila, my friends aren't like your friends." " You don't have to impress them." " Oh, Chris." "You don't come back from a bad dinner party." "You remember my friend Dana Baumgartner." " Yeah." " Her souffle didn't rise." "She was an outcast." "She had to move..." "To New Jersey." "Sheila, stop making yourself crazy before you freak out, okay?" "Just keep it simple." "Yes." "Simple." "Simple like a play." "Oh!" "Help me write a play!" " No cuts." " No cuts." " No cuts." " No cuts." " No cuts." " No cuts." "No cuts." "Oh, hey, baby." "All right, Gary." "Enough is enough." "Today is Thanksgiving, and you need to be with your family, having a terrible time at Sheila's." "So just pack-- are you wearing your socks on your hands?" "I am." "Plus I switched spots so I could sit on this heating grate." "What?" "So this is it." "We're spending Thanksgiving apart?" "Well, baby, we can spend Thanksgiving here." "Grab the kids, and come join us in the queue." "That's what Ian calls it." "Ian's from England." "I don't care!" "Let's just buy the TV." "We are not buying a $4,000 TV." "Clark breaks a television I paid $100 for," "I send him to his room." "He breaks a TV I spent $4,000 for," "I'm pressing charges." "Well, if you're looking for your family, we'll be at Sheila's." " Ba" " Have a good day, ma'am." "Oh, shut up, Ian." "Oh." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Wow, Sheila." "I haven't been here." "Your place is so nice." "Thank you." "I have all my money and half of Chris's." "Well, I-I made an Oreo pie." "I'm kind of famous for it." "Oh, Emily, I'm sure you are." "However, I'm very excited about this, and I think you will be too." "I have planned a historically accurate Thanksgiving meal, serving only foods the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag would've actually eaten on the first Thanksgiving." "Yeah." "So, now, uh," "Oreos weren't invented until the 20th century, and--fun fact-- the Mayflower arrived in..." "Style?" " 1620." " Hey!" "That's right, Violet." "God, who knew?" "Public school." "Okay, now, I don't want this to get mixed in, so I will just put it out here." "She kicked my pie out of the party." "Well, like with everything with Sheila, we'll be fine once we start drinking." "There's no booze." "What?" "Evidently, the Pilgrims ran out of booze on the ship ride over from England." "Fun fact." " Hey, guys." " Aww." "That is ridiculous." " So no booze?" " No." "No, no." "That's why I'm holding Ernie right now, 'cause I know if I wasn't, you would punch me." "Mom, everything in here is breakable." "I don't trust myself." "I wish we were with Dad." "Oh, boys, I wish we were all together too." "But we're still gonna have a great Thanksgiving." "I'm sure Sheila has made all your favorites, pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes" " Do you smell fish?" " Good nose." "I'm boiling a cod." "You know, they didn't have domesticated turkeys or ovens back then." "That's why it's called Cape Cod, and not cape turkey." " That's a fun fact." " Fun fact." "No." "No." "That was a joke." "Oh, we are having a festive time, huh?" "Kill me." "No." "We are suffering through this together." "I wish Gary was here." "He'd have the guts to kill me." "So, is everyone good?" "Is everyone having the best Thanksgiving" " of their lives?" " Hmm." "Yeah." "More maple sap on your hickory nuts?" "Wow, all you kids are in the clean plate club, huh?" "And you know what your reward is?" "Knowledge." "You're welcome." "I'm gonna go check on dessert." "All right, boys." "What did you do with your food?" "'Cause I know you didn't eat it." " We did." " No, you didn't." "You'd be dead." "Tell us how kids hide food." "Please." "When you're all not looking, we scoop it up all in our napkin and throw it away in the garbage in the bathroom." "Okay, that gets rid of it, but then what do we eat?" "We have three pounds of stuffing in our fridge." "Yes." "Yes!" "Okay, I will find a way to sneak it up here." "Okay, but don't let Sheila catch you." "She put all this pressure on herself because she feels like she needs to impress everyone." "Are you sure she didn't say depress everyone?" "It's a little holiday word play for ya." "All right, boys, how many napkins would it take to soak up this soup?" "No, for soup, you spill your water to create a diversion and pour it in a houseplant." "Is that how my ficus keeps dying?" "You've said too much." ""Dearest Marny," ""I know I'm far from home and missing Thanksgiving" ""with you and my boys." ""If it makes you feel any better," "I've grown to hate Ian."" "Oh." "Hey." "It's almost time." "We'll be getting our TVs." "Maybe." "What do you mean, maybe?" "There are seven TVs, and we're the first seven people in line." "It's not the first seven people in line." "It's the seven people who can fight their way to the TVs first." "Oh." "All right, well," "I guess I'd better limber up." "Hey." "That's funny." "You look familiar." "Do I know you?" "You got kids that go to my school or something?" "Nah." "I'm Emmitt Smith." "Yeah, yeah!" "You used to be a running back for the Dallas Cowboys." "What, you in line for a toaster or something?" "Nah, I'm here for the TVs." "Oh, come on, man." "You got three Super Bowl rings." "You made some cash, right?" "You don't need this." "I did all right." "But I still love running past people, though." " All right." " I'm gonna stretch out." "Oh, okay." "Gonna stretch out?" "Hold on, homes." "What are you doing?" "I'm getting my stretch on, like you." "No, these are secret stretches, man." "You can't be doing that." "I'm going back to my tent." "Is everyone having a good time?" "Why doesn't anyone want seconds?" "Is the food bland?" "I think it's a little bit bland." "But it's on theme." "Is it a good theme?" "Am I limited by my theme?" "Why aren't you answering me?" "Do they hate me?" "Sheila, calm down." "What is going on with you?" "Look." "Ever since I moved below 72nd street, all my old friends barely talk to me any more." "And I can't be written off by your friends as well." "I want them to like me." "And I want them to know that there's more to me than just always being the smartest one in the room." "And that's why it has to go well." "Is it going well?" "Again, why are you not answering me?" "It is!" "It's going well." "Trust me." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh!" "You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna break out the ring stick." "See, you try to get the ring on the stick." "It's what the early settlers did to amuse themselves." "Buoyed their spirits while they were dying of exposure." "Everyone better buckle up." " What is this?" " Chris!" "What happened to the warning signal?" "Is that s-stuffing?" "Is everyone eating stuffing out of a knockoff Birkin bag?" "What makes you think it's a knockoff?" "Stitching, piping, lining." "We're sorry." "We were just really hungry." "So you didn't eat my food." "Oh, we tried." "We really did." "But don't blame yourself." "You know, Pilgrims were just really gross people who ate really gross things." "So the meal was a disaster." "I am so sorry, everyone." "I can't imagine what you must think of me right now." "I-I am mortified." "This food, I" "I am so sorry that you shouldn't even have to look at it." "So let me get it out of your sight." " Whoa, hey." " What are you doing?" "I'm clearing the table." "Oh, my God." "She's losing it." "All clear!" "That was awesome!" "Okay." "Well, that's it." "I have caused a huge scene and ruined Thanksgiving, so write me off." "Make fun of me behind my back." "What are you talking about, Sheila?" "We're not gonna write you off just because we had one terrible, terrible Thanksgiving." "Yeah, and when we make fun of you, you know, we don't do it behind your back." "We do it right to your face." "For example, can you see in infrared like the other predators?" "See?" "That's true." "It's-- it's always right in front of my face." " Always." " Always." "See?" "I told you." "They don't care." "It's your friends who banish people to New Jersey." "And, you know, speaking of which, you should really call Dana Baumgartner." "Eh." "That is so nice, that you guys don't-- don't feel that pressure of trying to impress each other." "I mean, look at you, Emily." "You wore flats to a holiday dinner." "Who does that?" "You do." "Because you don't care what kind of impression you make." "Oh." "Yeah, yeah." "And, Marny, your husband abandoned you on Thanksgiving to sit in line to buy a TV." "I mean, and here you are, without a care in the world about how that makes your family look." "Oh, that must be so freeing." "I hadn't thought of it that way." "Even more incredible." "You know what?" "Gary didn't abandon me." "I abandoned him." "Come on, boys." "My family should be together." "Even if it is standing in line." "Since we don't care what people think," "I stuck a bunch of those oat rolls in your heating vent." "Wonderful, Yoda." " Hey." " Hey!" " What are you guys doing here?" " We came to join you." "I still think this is extremely stupid, but we're gonna be extremely stupid together." "As a family." "Oh, hug me tighter." "I can't feel my body." "What?" "Hey, guys." "Look, I know you didn't get a lot to eat, so in honor of Thanksgiving," "I went to Subway and got some sandwiches." "There's turkey melts and roast beef, something for everybody." " Thank you." " There you go." "And I kept the receipt, so you can just reimburse me at your leisure." "Oh, my God." "The bread is still warm!" "See?" "Doesn't take much to keep this crowd happy." "Oh, Sheila, these sandwiches are so much better than your cooking." "See?" "Right to your face." "Boys, the doors are about to open." "We are this close to our goal." "There's only one thing that stands in between us and my big-ass TV." "Okay?" "Now!" "Run!" "Get it!" "Run!" " Boys, get off!" "Wow." "Families coming together." "Now, that is the spirit of Thanksgiving, huh?" "Oh." "Gary just climbed that old man like a ladder." "Not in the spirit." "Not in the spirit at all." "All right, it's all hooked up." "And with the touch of a button, we'll introduce our newest and possibly favorite family member." "Marny, would you like the honors?" " Are you sure?" " Nope." "I'll do it." "Ah!" "Yeah." "Now, I would not be a good friend if I didn't point out that that TV is far too big for this apartment." "I feel like I can say those things now that you all have officially welcomed me into your group." "What is she talking about?" "When did that happen?" "That didn't happen, right?" "It happened." "Then this is the blackest Friday of all."