"Tonight, our second group" "Of semifinalists will have to give the performances" "Of their lives-- [laughter]" "Tonight, our second group of semifinalists" "Will have to give the performances-- [laughter]" "Performances of their lives if they want to have a shot" "At a $1/4 mill" "Yo!" "[laughter]" "What's up with the lights?" "[laughter and applause]" "Ridiculous." "If they want to have a chance at a $1/4 million" "And the title of last comic" "Hey!" "Anyway, the semifinals start right now!" "[cheers and applause] [rock music]" "♪ ♪" "Strap yourself in, America." "[screams]" "Tonight, it's the knee-slapping conclusion" "Of the semifinals." "My parents were actually very mexican." "Uh, they were pinatas." "[laughter]" "The rest of the best comics on the planet" "Will battle for a spot in the top ten." "You ever been on a date so bad" "The girl make you drop her off" "At another guy's house?" "Put on your rubber underpants and find out" "Who delivers a comedy knockout..." "Whoo!" "Who goes too far..." " That didn't happen, obviously" " It did happen." " It didn't happen." "You want to put money on it?" "And who has the last laugh." "[deep voice] I don't care what America thinks." "Only the funniest will move one ginormous step closer" "To $250,000 and the title of last comic standing." "[cheers and applause]" "Be about it." "Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together" "For the host of last comic standing," "Celibate playboy, Craig Robinson." "[cheers and applause]" "Put your hands up!" "Put your-- everybody say yeah!" "[cheering continues]" "Say yeah!" "[cheering continues]" "Say-- ahh!" "I forgot what else I was supposed to say." "What's up?" "[cheering continues]" "Welcome to last comic standing," "The best stand-up comedy contest on nbc." "[laughter and applause]" "And tonight, our second group" "Of semifinalists will hit the stage." "Only the funniest will move on to the next round." "Are you ready to get started?" "[cheers and applause]" "Well..." "Well..." "Well, you have to wait, 'cause I haven't" "Introduced the judges yet." "All right, first up, Andy kindler." "Make some noise for him, y'all." "[cheers and applause]" "Next, say hello to Natasha Leggero." "[cheers and applause]" "And the always adorable" "That's what it says on the prompter" "Greg giraldo!" "[cheers and applause]" "Greg giraldo!" "[cheering continues]" "Now can we get started?" "Are you ready?" "[cheers and applause]" "Everything that I've ever done as a comic" "Comes down to this moment." "I've done a lot in the past 12 years of stand-up," "And, you know, why not me?" "It's my turn to eat." "Let me get some of this money." "Please give it up for Roy wood Jr." "[cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "You ever been on a date so bad" "The girl make you drop her off at another guy's house?" "[laughter]" "That's the kind of luck I have." "My buddies have better luck." "A lot of them are getting married" "And they keep sending me these wedding invitations." "When did wedding invitations become these long," "Eight, nine paragraph autobiography" "I don't care how you met." "It's all this extra stuff in the wedding invitation." "What is this stuff?" ""two hearts will be joined together." ""you are cordially invi" "A seed of love has been planted."" "Look, is it gonna be free liquor or not?" "That's all I need to know." "That's all I need to know." "You know, and my problem with my married friends" "Is that they impose married people stuff on me" "Even though I'm single." "They just got a living will done" "And I don't have a will." "And I'm not saying I don't need one," "But don't pressure me into getting a will." "I'm not ready." "My emotions can't take" "There's nothing more depressing than to make a list" "Of what you want to give away when you die" "Only to discover that you have nothing to give away." "This is horrible." "It's--I can't take it." "Like, I'm walking around the house." "I'm doing inventory." "All I have a George Forman grill" "And a Shrek 2 DVD." "That's all I have." "Where's my stuff?" "I'm 31." "I should have more stuff." "I started out writing a will, and halfway down," "It turned into a suicide letter." "This is painful." "[laughter and applause]" "Single friends aren't any better." "I got a buddy." "I hang out with him sometimes." "All he does is pack condoms." "Doesn't matter where he going." "Eight condoms every pocket." ""you never know, man." ""we got to have these condoms, man." ""just saying, there's gonna be some freaks there." "I heard there be freaks there."" "We are going to quiznos to get a sandwich, Chucky." "There's no freaks at quiznos." "I seen the commercial." "Ain't no magic stripper pole coming out the floor." "It's a restaurant." "And it would be different" "Like, I would understand you carrying condoms," "Fellas, if women were leaving the house" "Every day planning to give it up, but they're not." "Women aren't putting out." "Men leave the house thinking somebody want to have sex," "They pack condoms." "Women leave thinking the exact same thing." "They pack mace and a taser." "[laughter and applause]" "Hey, I'm Roy wood, man." "Thank y'all." "[cheers and applause]" "Roy wood Jr.!" "Give it up!" "[cheers and applause]" "Let's hear from the judges." "Hey, Roy." "How are you?" " I'm good, Andy." " That was a great set." "I really enjoyed that." "You know, you came out and you kind of started fast" "And so I was nervous at first." "Would you get comfortable?" "But you comfortable right from the top" "And I just love listening to you." "Appreciate it." "[cheers and applause]" "You get such a great response" "And you do it from being really original." "And so I think you're hilarious." "Thank you, Natasha." "You normally dress up a lot, which I like your look normally." "Seem like you're more dressed down than usual, right?" "Yeah, I couldn't find a coat that fit me." " Well, I love-- [laughter]" "I love your character." "I love the way you talk." "I love your point of view." "I love your style of joke telling." "But it was very solid." "The crowd loved you, so good job." "Thanks, Greg." "[cheers and applause]" "One more time for Roy wood Jr." "[cheering continues]" "Everything that was in my control" "I executed to a tee." "So at this point now, it's just a matter" "Of waiting to see what the judges decide." "This is only the beginning, folks." "Stay tuned for a lot more hilarious semifinalists." "And for our spanish-speaking viewers," "Marque numero dos." "[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to last comic standing." "Tonight, it's the second of our semifinal shows" "And it's do or..." "All:" "Die." " The winners will advance and the losers" "Actually, on last comic standing, there are no losers." "Only un-winners." "[laughter]" "Anyway, it's all on the line tonight." "And this Southern belle is ready to make you laugh." "Check her out." "It starting to finally sink in" "How big this opportunity could be." "Tonight's gonna be, uh, the most exposure I've had." "There is no fallback plan." "This is it and I don't want to be a hooker," "So please let me win." "[cheers and applause]" "For your laughing pleasure, allow me to present" "Fortune Feimster!" "[cheers and applause]" "Whoo!" "Yeah, all right." "Whoo!" "Yeah, uh, so genetics didn't quite work out for me," "So I'm a comic." "Yeah, thank you." "I figured my options were comedian," "Softball coach, or ups driver." "[laughter]" "Yeah, I picked comedy 'cause I didn't want people" "To think I was a lesbian." "Ha-ha." "That'll just be my little secret, you guys," "So, shh, don't tell anybody." "[laughter and applause]" "In other breaking news," "Uh, I got hit on by a guy the other night." "[cheers and applause] yeah." "Yeah, give it up for that." "Uh, which hasn't happened since... [raspberries] well, never." "Yeah, I was leaving my friend's house" "And I went to, uh, the curb in venice beach" "And this guy comes up to me and he's like," ""hey, do you want to go back to my apartment with me?"" "I'm like..." "[laughter]" ""me?"" "He's like, "yeah."" "I'm like, "dude, I'm wearing a vest."" "[laughter and applause]" "That should be your first clue" "That this isn't gonna work out." "[laughter]" "He's like, "are you sure?" "I got some good dope back at my apartment."" "I'm like, "first of all, who uses the word 'dope' anymore?"" "I haven't heard that word since the '80s" "When Nancy Reagan told me not to do it!" "[laughter]" "So I say to him, "as tempting as that sounds" ""and believe me, that sounds tempting," "I'm gonna have to pass."" "And he seemed shocked." "I'm like, "you are a homeless man" ""who I just met on a corner in venice." ""chances are you just asked me"" "To go back to your box, which is definitely not a way" ""To impress a lady such as myself."" "You guys know what I'm talking about." "He's like, "lady?" "I thought you were my friend Craig."" "[laughter]" "Thanks, you guys." "I'm fortune Feimster." "[cheers and applause]" "Fortune Feimster!" "[cheers and applause]" "Wait." "So he thought you was me?" "Is that what" " Yeah." "He was like--he totally thought that we were twins." "[laughter] I got a vest." "Andy kindler, why don't you talk to us?" "That was fantastic, first of all." "Aw, thanks, Andy." " And, um-- [cheers and applause]" "You made me laugh just the way you danced out," "Which is something that Ellen Degeneres" "Has never been able to do." "I know." " Seriously--well, I don't know why I'd be serious," "But, uh, comedically, I loved you at the showcase." "I just am absolutely in love with your act." "I think you're really hilarious and great." "Amazing." "Not only do you say funny things," "You say things funny." "Yeah!" " And I look funny." " You got it!" "You got it, girl!" "Yeah." "All right, I love you." " You're one of those comedians" "This sounds obvious to people" "That don't watch a lot of comedy," "But not every comedian, not even every good comedian" "Is actually funny, you know?" "You're funny." "You're a funny person and your act is really funny as well." "It was a great set." "Thanks." "One more time for fortune Feimster." "[cheers and applause]" "As exciting as it is to make it to the semifinals," "I can't just completely relax, you know?" "The stakes have obviously gotten higher." "This is easily the biggest night of my career." "That's why I don't want it to fail, 'cause then I'll be depressed for months." "Let's hear it for Jerry rocha!" "[cheers and applause]" "Hello." "Hello." "Hi, everybody." "I got to tell you, I was on a plane recently." "I don't know if this has ever happened to anybody," "But on the plane, the entire flight" "Was nothing but ugly people." "Has that ever happened to any" "Like, the whole thing, I was like," ""oh, no," you know?" "Like, "we're gonna die."" "You know what I mean?" "Like-- [laughter] 'cause this is God cleaning up mistakes." "You know what I mean, guys?" "That's-- [laughter]" "Driving around today, I saw a billboard" "Reminding people to carpool." "Good idea, right?" "But it was in Spanish." "Like, guys, mexicans already figured that one out." "You know what I mean?" "[laughter and applause] [cheers and applause]" "Oh, I am broke." "I called up my credit card company the other day" "Just to get a statement." "The lady on the other end of the phone," "At first she's always friendly, right?" "It's like, "okay, Mr. Roaches." ""all right, baby!" ""I'm just gonna access your account" "Right up here in the computer, sugar."" "You know, real sweet." ""I'm pulling your information right up on the screen, baby." ""here it come right now." ""whoo!" ""damn!"" "[laughter]" ""this fool owe some mon-ey!"" "[laughter]" ""I ain't playing." "We 'bout to get paid up here today!"" "[laughter and applause]" "Now-- [cheering continues]" "Thank you." "That's not a good sign." "You know what I mean, you guys?" "That's time to go to the pawn shop." "And if that weren't worse," "Then she calls her coworkers over to make fun of me." ""say, Latonka, get over here." ""you gotta see this." ""look how much money this fool owe!"" "[laughter]" ""$200 at a comic book store?" "You a nerd!"" "[laughter]" "Thank you very much, everybody." "I appreciate it." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" "Y'all give it up for Jerry rocha!" "[cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "Now, Andy kindler?" " Jerry, I guess because I'm an ugly person" " You are not ugly, Andy." " Oh, I'm sorry." " No, you're not ugly." " I'm sorry." " You're beautiful." " And ultra smooth." "So the man in the mirror is lying to me." "[laughter]" "Opening with that was a little harsh," "But otherwise, solid set." "Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" " I feel like your bits are very crowd-pleasing." "Um, what race was Latonka?" " Laton-- oh, yeah, come on." "Korean." "Couldn't you tell?" " Okay." " Anyway." "I just was confused." "I just felt like it was a little easy," "That joke and the impression." "Okay, all right." " For my taste." " Sure, sure." "I knew what race it was, but I didn't find it offensive." "I mean, I have no problem with" " Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" "But I don't like racial humor generally" "And for a guy-- Jerry rocha is your name, right?" "And I could say this 'cause I'm Latino also," "But I think for a Latino to have the word "roach"" "In his name is weird." "[laughter]" "You're very funny, Jerry." "Thank you so much, man." " Very, very funny." " Thank you." "Thank you guys." "Thank you." "One more time for Jerry rocha." "[cheers and applause]" "Okay, it's time to take another break." "You don't want to miss what we got coming up next." "It cannot be described in words." "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back." "I'm Craig Robinson," "Your big chocolate stimulant." "[cheering]" "Our next performer is a st." "Louis native." "Yeah, a lot of people know me from, you know," "A lot of the roles that I've done in movies" "And in some tv shows and, uh, they don't" "Necessarily know my stand-up career" "And I'm trying to be the greatest." "The greatest stand-up to ever touch the stage." "So hopefully last comic standing will let people know" "That I'm a funny cat." "Give it up for guy torry." "[cheers and applause]" "What up?" "Wow!" "I like that." "Y'all make me feel like Barack Obama" "At a black spring break in this bad boy." "Well, I lost some of y'all." "Thank y'all, man." "Look at that, man." "And I want to get something straight right here off the bat." "All right, I'm tri-polar." "I got three personalities." "That means I'm the good, the bad, and the ugly." "There ain't no telling what coming out my mouth tonight." "I'm like Sarah Palin, fox news, and Joe Biden." "I'ma say something crazy." "I don't know how Barack Obama deals with them, man." "And I don't want people to think I voted for Barack" "Just 'cause he's black, all right?" "I'm not that shallow." "I love this country way too much for that." "Had it been two other negroes, they wouldn't have got my vote." "Had it been Jesse Jackson, al sharpton?" "Hell no." "We don't need a perm and a jheri curl in the damn white house." "We don't need reverends in the white house." "Reverend Jesse Jackson." "Reverend al sharpton." "Come on now." "And people want Hillary still to be president." "Come on." "Hillary was not the right woman for the job." "I could see a woman in president one day." "But come on." "Hillary's too weak." "She cried during the Iowa caucus." "Lost the Iowa caucus and started crying like terrell Owens." "[mock sobbing]" "She cried." "There ain't no crying in politics." "You lost the Iowa caucus and you crying?" "You lost bill's caucus to Monica Lewinsky." "[laughter and groaning]" "You didn't shed a tear." "Get your caucuses straight." "You gotta be a strong president," "What that last administration did to this nation, man." "Come on." "The kkk voted for Barack." "Did you know that?" "Yeah!" "Google it." "Google it." "[laughter]" "The kkk voted for Barack." "I did a show in Kentucky right before the election, right?" "Flew in at night." "The limo driver picked me up and was taking me to my hotel." "We driving through the forest." "There's some trees." "It's pitch black." "I saw a burning cross." "I'm like, "oh, man." "That's a burning cross." "That's a freaking klan rally."" "I told the limo driver, "pull over."" "I ain't never been to a klan rally." "[laughter]" "Big ol' sign said, "kkk for Barack."" "And the little grand wizard dude stepped up to the podium." ""hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, God darn it." ""we got to put that Obama in office." "We got to put that God darn Obama in office."" "'cause everything went up in that administration." "Food went up." "Linen went up." "Sheets went up." "There weren't that many white sales." "He was like, "golly, golly," ""we got to put that Obama in office." ""sheets are too high." "Sheets are too damn high." ""I can't buy that thread count I used to buy." ""I used to buy 800-thread count." ""I'm down to 200-thread count now." ""they can see me through the sheet." ""they can see me through the sheets." "They can see me through the sheets."" "[laughter]" "I'm guy torry." "Y'all been great." "Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" "Keep it going for guy torry." "Yeah, yeah." "Okay, talk to us, judges." " Hi, guy." " What up?" "You know the thing is it's tough when you do" "Topical material, because you went back" "To the Iowa caucus and Hillary and I'm not sure" "About the payoff with bill's caucus being enough" "To go back there, so I don't know." "Not all the material was, like, my style," "But, you know, you know what you're doing" " That's 'cause you didn't vote for Barack." "That's why it ain't your style." "Do I look like a republican?" "You said bill's caucus." "The Barack material's very dear to me." "You know, I'm still excited we got a black president," "So, you know, I'ma talk about it forever." "I think that you're really charismatic, guy." "You know, you did really well with the audience." "For me, punch lines just like, "google it." "Google it,"" "And, "it's crazy." "It's crazy."" "Like, that doesn't make me laugh." "I didn't say, "it's crazy." "It's crazy."" " Like, you say everything, like, three times and" " No, I didn't." "Okay." "[scattered booing]" "Thank you." " But for me, the punch lines" "I didn't understand the punch lines as much." "Okay, it's all good." "You never bought a ticket to one of my shows," "So I'm not really worried about you." "I what?" "What'd you say?" "Don't worry about it." "Go ahead." "Guy, she said the crowd loved you." "I don't even think you killed that hard" "Based on the energy of what you were doing." "What y'all think?" "[cheers and applause]" " Listen-- [crowd booing]" "I--I'm saying" "What I'm saying is I thought" "I know that you're capable of a better set." "I don't think that set was that funny, honestly." "But I think there were a lot of stuff" "And, like, even the kkk" "You know, like, that didn't happen, obviously and it" " It did happen." " It didn't happen." "The KKK did not hold a rally" " Yes, they did!" "Google it, I'm serious." " Google it!" " You want to put money on it?" "Google it!" "The point is not even whether it did or didn't." "I do my research before I tell jokes, dude." "Maybe you don't, but I do." "All right." "All right, well, listen." "I thought the thread count sheet thing was very clever," "Very funny, too big to look through the thing," "But, you know, I just think" "You're capable of a better set than that one tonight." "I appreciate it." "It's just all jokes, y'all." "Come on." "No, I know." "I know it's all jokes." "Let's hear it for guy torry!" "[cheers and applause]" "He's actually getting booed." "Somebody gotta get them." "Yeah, the stakes are high financially for me." "You know, I have a wife and a kid" "And the income right now is pretty pathetic." "I think I made more money as a teenager delivering pizzas" "Than I did in comedy last year." "So, yeah, money's a big deal." "Please welcome Jacob Sirof." "[cheers and applause]" "Oh, that wasn't awkward." "[laughter]" "Not at all." "How you guys doing, man?" "All right." "[cheers and applause]" "You made it." "You made it here safely." "That's awesome, man." "All my friends nowadays are buying motorcycles." "That's, like, a big trend, right?" "At least here in Los Angeles," "Everybody's getting motorcycles, right?" "You can always tell too when your friend gets a new bike, 'cause he'll show up to hang out one day" "Wearing that super gay jacket." "You know, it's got, like, the snaps" "And flaps and zippers all over it, right?" "My friend Rob comes over to hang out the other day." "He's got this whole ridiculous outfit on." "He's got a helmet under his arm." "He's like, "guess what I got."" "I'm like, "I don't know." "Married to a dude or something?" ""a part in a Broadway musical?" "I give up, starlight express." "What'd you get?"" "He's like, "no, man, I got a bike." "I want to save gas."" "Really?" "Save gas?" "Since when do you have to wear butt-less chaps" "And multicolored leather to save gas?" "I wouldn't mind saving some gas," "But I don't want to dress up like Elton John to do it." "Is there any other way?" "Can I just buy a hybrid or take the bus more or something?" "I just want to get from point "a" to point "b."" "I don't want to sing tiny dancer." "I don't even know the words." "Look, guys, I'm not a homophobe, all right?" "I grew up in San Francisco." "Not a homophobic bone in my body." "As a matter of fact, I've always felt" "There's nothing strange about a heterosexual man" "Who hugs his guy friends." "I do it all the time." "But over the years, I've learned it's probably better" "If you wait till they wake up." "Now I know what you're thinking." "That is not nearly as fun, right?" "'cause when they're sleeping," "They just look like little angels, don't they?" "[laughter]" "Yeah, except I don't think angels say things like," ""how the hell did you get in my apartment, bro?"" "And I don't think an angel would hit a guy wearing glasses." "Even if he wasn't wearing anything else." "[laughter and applause]" "You guys have been fun." "I'm Jacob Sirof." "[cheers and applause]" "Jacob Sirof, everybody!" "Okay, judges, what's the verdict?" "Jacob, were you implying that Elton John is gay?" "'cause that's news to me." "I had no" " That's--yeah, I've learned that recently." "I googled it and-- [cheers and applause]" "It's, um" " I think that you're funny." "I think that was hard to, like, follow an awkward moment" "And you did it well." "Greg?" "Jay, I thought you had a lot of good jokes." "A lot of good jokes strung together," "Which is what a set is supposed to be," "So it was very funny." "Good job." "Oh, cool." "Thanks, guys." "Jacob Sirof, ladies and gentlemen." "Let him hear it." "There's more comedy when we come back." "Stay with us." "I had more fun at the end with the judges." " Well, it's not-- the show's not called" ""guy torry and the damn judges" though." " Oh, it ain't?" " No." " Damn." " That could be a spin-off." "Let me call my agent." "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back." "You're watching last comic standing," "Aka the funniest show in the galaxy." "[cheers and applause]" "Except for the office." "[cheers and applause]" "Tonight, it's the last of our semifinal shows." "Remember, only one model will win" "An exclusive contract with jheri curl cosmetics." "[laughter]" "If you love getting hit over the head" "With a barrage of jokes," "You're gonna love our next comic." "I really feel like I have a shot" "At being the last comic standing." "I think I might cry if I don't get it." "You know what?" "Let's not even talk about it, 'cause it's not gonna" "I'm gonna move on." "I'm gonna cry tears of joy." "I'm gonna cry either way." "Let's welcome Nikki glaser." "[cheers and applause]" "Hello." "So, guys, I recently just got out" "Of a really long-term relationship." "Thank you." "I broke up with my boyfriend when I was overseas" "Performing for the troops in Korea" "And I only mention that part, uh, so you'll applaud." "Um, thank you." "Oh, my God." "So unexpected." "[cheers and applause]" "No, actually, I broke up with him overseas via skype," "Which is weird." "Like, we had a bad connection." "He's like, "babe, you're breaking up,"" "And I'm like, "you're damn straight."" "[laughter]" "I'm trying to be careful about sex now, though," "Because, like, I don't want to catch anything else." "You know, like, a baby or something." "But, um-- [laughter]" "I don't even know that I'm gonna ever have the chance" "To have kids." "I feel like I'm past my prime." "I mean, I'm 25, but I feel like the best time" "To have kids is in your teens, you know?" "Palin style." "I love it." "These girls, they know what they're doing." "First off, your body, like, bounces right back." "Then you can just have the kid and, like," "Give it to your parents to raise for you." "They're still young enough." "If you've always wanted a little sister, make your own." "I think it's genius." "[laughter]" "I do." "[applause]" "Mad props." "I recently--I did have a pregnancy scare recently." "And I say it was a scare, 'cause I was like," ""who's the dad?"" "[laughter]" "I wasn't sure." "But I did the dumb thing." "I confided in my mom about it" "And, uh, she got, like, super excited." "She was like, "oh, my God!" "I'm gonna be a grandmother."" "And I was like, "yeah, until Tuesday."" "Like, "hold your horses, Nanna."" "[crowd groaning]" "Nah, but, thank you." "Thanks." "I" "Really, I am pro-life." "I'm just pro my life and a baby would really ruin that" "For me right now, so that's what I mean by that." "Thank you guys very much." "I'm Nikki glaser." "Thank you." "Nikki glaser!" "[cheers and applause]" "Hey, judges..." "Any words for Nikki?" "You got a huge round of applause for teen pregnancy," "Which I find encouraging." "Good, yeah." "They were behind you on that." "They deserve it." "They deserve it, these girls." "But it was a solid job, Nikki." "Great job." "I enjoyed it." " Thanks, Andy." " Thank you so much." "Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" "I like your party girl, uh, mentality" "And, uh, I thought it was really funny." "Thanks, Natasha." " Give it up for Nikki." " Thanks, guys." "[cheers and applause]" "I have what it takes to be the last comic standing." "I have the material." "I'm a funny guy." "I'm adorable." "I'm charming." "I got this smile." "Coming to the stage is Taylor Williamson." "[cheers and applause]" "Hey, everybody." "[laughter]" "You're laughing already." "I haven't even told a joke yet." "I'm, like, one-for-oh." "[laughter]" "How much time do I have left?" "[laughter]" "I was talking to my girlfriend" "And she just-- [laughter and applause]" "That's not the laugh-y part." "That's not-- [laughter]" "That's not really true." "I don't have a girlfriend." "[laughter]" "My friend Margie just got a labradoodle." "If you're not familiar with this," "It's the cutest dog I've ever seen in my entire life." "It's a mix between a lab and a doodle." "[laughter]" "I can't even make this up." "The dog's father is a 4-pound black poodle." "The dog's mother?" "60-pound white labrador retriever." "That's a huge size difference." "But I guess it proves the stereotype" "That black poodles love fat white bitches, right?" "[laughter and applause]" "Went to the zoo." "I saw a camel." "It had really tiny humps." "Hope she has a nice personality, right?" "[laughter]" "You guys are awkward." "[laughter]" "I was driving my car" "And then I cut someone off accidentally." "He was not happy about this for some reason." "He drove up to my car." "Rolled his window down," "And he yelled," ""where'd you learn how to drive, queer-burger?"" "[laughter]" "But then he just drove off." "I didn't get to answer his question." "[laughter]" "So I drove off after him." "[laughter]" "Rolled my window down and I said," ""San Diego."" "[laughter and applause]" "So the only thing he could say back to me was," ""oh."" "[laughter]" ""Thank you for answering my question."" "All right, my name's Taylor Williamson." "Thank you guys very much." "Thanks." "[cheers and applause]" "Taylor Williamson, ladies and gentlemen." "Judges, talk about my man Taylor." "I don't buy that you're old enough to drive a car," "So that bit did not work for me." "But I think you're hilarious, Taylor, I really do," "And you have a very strange mind." "[cheers and applause]" "Taylor, I loved how you made everyone laugh" "Before you even started talking." "And it seems like you really love being on stage" "And the people love you and, uh-- [cheers and applause]" "And you have a hilarious character," "So anything you talk about is gonna be funny." "This is just an act." "I'm really cool." "I'm gonna have sex after this." "[laughter]" "Yeah, I loved that it's not an act." "You know, like, you really are a quirky guy that" "Like, you know what I loved?" "Yeah, like Andy said he didn't believe that you" "Were old enough to drive." "That was obviously a joke," "But the crowd kind of laughed when you said," ""I was driving the other day."" "Like, they don't believe you do anything." "[laughter]" "And that was really" "That was really impressive." "That was a great set." "Thanks, everyone." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Taylor Williamson." "You're watching the show that will save the world." "Last comic standing." "We'll be right back." "[cheers and applause]" "[cheers and applause]" " We're--we're back." "That's right." "The show is still on the air." "We did it." "Give yourselves a round of applause!" "[cheers and applause]" "This next gentleman just might be" "The next big thing in comedy." "Check him out." "The stakes are, you know, huge today." "You get past this" "And you have a chance of making, you know," "A $1/4 million and that's pretty high stakes." "Please welcome Nick Cobb." "[cheers and applause]" "Hey, everybody." "Uh, I got dumped recently." "I got dumped when I was stoned." "Has that ever happened to anybody here?" "It's actually-- it's not that bad." "[laughter]" "She was like, "I don't love you anymore."" "I was like, "I guess I'll let that bother me tomorrow."" "[laughter]" "It actually kind of sucked though, 'cause I wanted to, like, win the argument." "I wanted to convince her to come back," "But the only thing-- verbal ammo I had" "In my stoned brain was just movie quotes." "That's all I could come up with." "She was like, "I feel trapped."" "I was like, "nobody sticks baby in a corner."" "[laughter]" "She was like, "I want to see other people."" "I was like, "I see dead people."" "[laughter]" "I don't know." "I don't think getting dumped is that bad" "As long as you know it's coming." "You hear it through the grapevine" "Or Facebook or whatever." "You know it's coming." "Really you can do anything you want." "I mean, they're not gonna not dump you." "You're screwed." "Whatever." "You know a girl's coming over to dump you." "Dress up like a pirate." "What's she gonna do, you know?" "What?" "[laughter]" "And hire a clown" "And just make him sit there the whole time." "Like, no balloon animals." "Do you know how freaked out she would be?" "She couldn't even get through the spiel." "She'd be like, "I used to love you." ""I still care about you." "I want to be friends." "What the hell is he doing here?"" "[laughter]" "All right, thanks a lot, guys." "Thank you so much." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Nick Cobb!" "[cheers and applause] [imitating fat albert] hey, hey, hey." "Uh, judges, let's talk to Nick." "I have some things to say about Nick's act." "Would now be a good time to jump into that?" "This time would be perfect, Andy kindler." " You know, it was-- I don't want to say it was" "A weird set, 'cause everything is" "You have a very original mind." "Not all of it hit for me." "It was up and down a little bit, but it was great." "How did you feel about your set, Nick?" "It's material that's kind of newer," "But I kind of like that." "I kind of like being charged" "By something newer rather than something that I've done," "You know, forever and ever." "I kind of like that." "Um, I kind of liked it too." "All right, okay." " I just felt like" "You know, like, you're someone I've really been rooting for" "And I really feel like I loved some of your other jokes" "That you've done, but I wasn't really responding to these." "Greg, say something." "That's okay." "Uh, yeah, I mean, there was nothing wrong with that set." "You know what I mean?" "It was funny." "It was funny, but I also kind of had higher" "Slightly higher expectations." " Thanks a lot, guys." " Nick Cobb." "[cheers and applause]" "In the semifinals." "Actually means a great deal to me, 'cause it's a chance to showcase, uh, my jokes" "For, like, America." "I work hard to write every day." "I'm meticulous about it, so, you know" "And I know the other competitors," "They're very good." "And just let the chips fall for all of us, you know?" "It's good competitive fire." "Please give it up for Mike Vecchione." "[cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "Times are tough all over, man." "It's tough being catholic." "I'm not a very good catholic." "My confirmation name was Pontius pilate." "That's a bad one." "They called me p-squared for street cred." "[laughter]" "I tricked one of my Jewish friends into coming" "To church with me and 20 minutes in he was like," ""Mike, this is the most awkward wine-tasting event" "I have ever been to in my life."" "I'm like, "look, that's a very old cabernet" ""that he's swirling around up there" ""and it comes with a free wafer," "So why don't you be a little more appreciative?"" "I love God, but I don't have much faith" "In the catholic church, so when I donate now," "I make my checks out directly to Jesus." "[laughter]" "And the priest gets pissed." "He's like, "we can't cash these checks." "It is impossible for us to cash these checks."" "And my response is all things are possible through Christ." "How dare you?" "Our lord and savior." "Yeah, watch your step." "Watch your step." "My favorite part of catholic mass is the sign of peace." "For those of you not catholic, that's where the person" "Next to you holds out there hand," "Says, "peace be with you."" "I like to jazz it up." "I hold out my hand, but I say," ""welcome to fight club."" "[laughter]" "It's how I was raised when I was young." "My father taught me how to box." "Then I got a little older," "Realized he wasn't teaching me how to box." "He just used to hit me." "[laughter]" "Guy had a gambling problem." "He lost our house when I was 11," "But he didn't want to give me anxiety." "He didn't say we lost the house." "He just came home and said," ""Mike, how would you like to go camping forever?"" "[laughter]" "He's better than these other fathers in New York" "That I see." "They walk around, lazy, with babies" "In pouches attached to the fronts of their bodies." "Have you seen that?" "That's the most gangster thing" "I've ever seen in my life." "That says, "look, I get women pregnant." ""I make them have the baby." ""then I wear the baby as jewelry."" "[laughter]" ""forget your Cadillac medallion, y'all." ""I got a newborn around my neck." "Aww, check out my son, son."" "I gotta go." "You guys were fun." "Thank you." "I'm Mike Vecchione." "Mike Vecchione." "Mike, let's see how the judges feel" "About your performance." "Don't take this the wrong way," "But most boys that look like you aren't so clever and" " No, I understand what you're saying." "That's a compliment." "Thank you." "It is a compliment and I think" "That you're really original" "And hilarious and one of my favorites." " Yeah, I look like such a meathead, union" "Like, maybe I could fix your toilet or, you know," "Racially profile you, but I don't look like" " Yeah." "Like, I feel like you should be choking somebody out, you know?" "But--but having said that," "But you stay funny the whole time." "Somehow you got it, you know?" "You're able to be hilarious in that character." "So, you know, even guys-- I know the minute" "You walked out there, I bet you a lot do dudes were like," ""I'm not gonna laugh at this guy."" "Right, right." "And then everybody loved you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Mike Vecchione." "Yes, sir." "[cheers and applause]" "I can feel the tension in the air." "We'd better take a break." "We'll be back when we feel like it." "[cheers and applause]" "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to the last comic standing semifinals." "The only show to unite jews and crips" "With christians and bloods." "[laughter]" " Tonight is the biggest night of my stand-up career" "And actually," "Probably one of the biggest nights of my life." "Uh, I'm just hoping that what I do tonight" "Is enough to make me get to the next level." "America." "Allow me to introduce to you to Cristela alonzo." "[cheers and applause]" "Whoo!" "[laughs]" "Oh, thanks." "Guys, I'm originally from the mexican part of Texas..." "Called Texas." "We're everywhere." "I'm a first generation mexican-american." "My parents-- thanks." "There they are." "My parents are actually both from Mexico." "Uh, my parents were actually very mexican." "Uh, they were pinatas, so..." "I was actually raised by a single mom." "It was kind of rough." "Uh, but we didn't have a lot of money growing up," "So we had to learn how to stretch a dollar." "And, uh, basically what I'm saying is that" "You know you're poor when you go grocery shopping" "And you think the expiration dates" "Are just suggestions, you know?" "My family was like, "November 15?" ""that was last week." "Cristela, taste it."" "[laughter]" ""ugh." "Ugh!" ""ah!" "That's disgusting."" "And that's when my mom would say, [in mexican accent] "did everybody listen?" ""we've gotta drink it today."" "[laughter] [cheers and applause]" ""I spent $4 on the gallon." "We're drinking it."" "[laughter]" "My name's cristela." "I like having a weird name because everybody always knows" "When you're talking about me, you know?" "It's like, "'ey, you know cristela?"" ""hell yeah, I know cristela." "cool."" "Done." "Like, I feel bad for people named Jennifer, you know?" "Like, that's a great name, really pretty," "But so popular, that when you get to that level," "You've gotta take care of yourself." "'cause people are gonna start using words" "To describe you." "And you want the good words," "Like pretty, funny, smart." "You don't want the bad words." "Like, "'ey, you know Jennifer?" "which one?"" ""moustache Jennifer." "Fat Tina's little sister."" "Thank you, guys." "[cheers and applause]" "Cristela alonzo!" "Judges, tell us how you feel." "So I just feel like there's more stuff about yourself" "That you could talk about and develop that more." "Yeah." "'cause I was gonna say, I think you're funnier" "Than your material is right now." "So I do enjoy watching you." "You're very funny." "Thanks." "Cristela." "How do you think you did?" " What, about my set?" " Yeah." "Well, you know, um, it was the kind of thing" "Where like, um," "I was actually very confident with the jokes," "But right now, I'm at that point where" "I wanna talk more about my family." "So I'm actually pushing myself to do that" "Because that makes me stand out" "From everybody else." "And I think that's the direction." "Thank you." " [laughs]" " Thank you." "No, yeah, I mean, I would have to agree with you." "I think that's a good direction." "But, um, I felt like the punch lines" "Would hit really hard but coming to the punch lines," "It was kind of weaker." " Well, you know, I think--it's weird." "I didn't know what to think because I agree" "In the sense that you use a lot of words" "To get to the big punch line at the end." "But it was entertaining, and you're very funny." "Okay, thank you." "Cristela alonzo." "Give it up one more time here." "I really wanted to put myself out there." "I wanted for America to know who I was." "And I think they got a really good idea" "Of who I am from that set." "So I'm about to go do my performance" "For the semifinals." "And, uh, I'm feeling nervous because, uh," "All these comics are good" "And I didn't expect to see them here." "I'll probably be fine." "I'm pretty awesome." "I mean, I'm pretty awesome at this." "Coming to the stage, Mr. Kurt Metzger." "[cheers and applause]" "Oh, my God." "Thank you, everyone." "Guys, can I ask you something important?" "Have you been able to forgive Tiger Woods yet," "In your heart, for what he did to all of us?" "I hear a lot of nos." "I'm gonna assume you're Swedish for that, okay?" "But you should forgive him." "Because he had a press conference" "In front of the nation on tv with his mom there." "And he interrupted a show I was watching" "So he could go, "hey, sorry I get a lot of ass, nation." "And mom."" "That couldn't have been easy for him." "I mean, it would be easy for me." "If I get action on the road, I call my mom immediately." "I go, "'ey ma, guess what." ""I'm knee deep in scoosh on the road." "How do you like that?" click." "'cause I don't have endorsements," "So I can do what I want." "And why--by the way," "Why did he have all those endorsements?" "Why would a golfer have any endorsements" "Besides golf equipment and old people diapers?" "I don't care what he uses to shave his face, okay?" "Whatever he shaves that baby soft half-asian face with" "Is not gonna help my ethnic beard needs, okay?" "I need a man's razor like lady gaga uses." "Right?" "And then, people say to you," ""he's a bad example for children."" "Here's my question:" "Whose boring ass child watches golf on tv?" "Whose creepy little khaki-pants-wearing anti-christ" "Could sit through six hours of golf?" "That's something old people die to." "And by the way, he's a great example for children," "Especially boys." "If you work your hardest to be the best at what you do," "You can get all the ass you want." "I wish they told me that in High School." "I wouldn't be locked in a joke fight to the death" "With my friends on a reality show." "I would have been a physicist or something." "All right, that's my time." "Thank you very much." "[cheers and applause]" "Kurt Metzger, everybody." "Kurt Metzger." "Hey, judges." "Break it down." "All right." "Shall I take it to the bridge?" "Yeah." "Kurt, it's so hard to do Tiger Woods material" "Without it being, just sounding pedestrian." "You did something really different with it." "And your act, I think, all-- brings all people together too," "Which I think is very, very nice." "You get a lot of scooch on the road?" "No." "I have a weird face." "I kind of look like, uh, if, like," "Mr. Bean was a rapist, I've been told." "[laughs] [cheers and applause]" " Kurt." " Hi." " Kurt." " Hi." "You are a funny, funny dude." "Very funny guy." "But you have some balls making fun of old people" "In that sweater." "But--but" "But..." "That was a great set." "Hilarious." "Very funny, Kurt." "Very funny." "Kurt Metzger." "Kurt Metzger." "What are my chances of making it to the finals?" "Uh, I hope they're high." "I mean, I really honest to God" "Could not pick out who would win." "I really couldn't." "Our next performer is not only a writer" "But she's also an accomplished writer." "Check her out." "Making it to the semifinals is really exciting." "I hope people like me, and I hate that feeling." "Like I wanna be kind of tough and cool" "And, you know, "I don't care and here's my jokes."" "But, uh, you know," "You do have that little inner Sally field." "You really--you really, really wanna be liked." "I'm ready to do this." "Please welcome Laurie Kilmartin." "[cheers and applause]" "Oh." "Well, thank you." "This is, uh, this is very exciting." "Um, I got pregnant by accident when I was 41." "And my friends were like," ""what did you use for birth control?"" "And I was like, "my age."" "When does this party end down here?" "It's so hard, motherhood, you know?" "The thing that makes me the maddest" "Is when people told me that because I had a dog," "That would prepare me for having a kid." "It's not even remotely the same responsibility." "You know, I wish it was" "I'd love to call up my friends and be like," ""hey, I'm going to Vegas this weekend." ""could you stop by the house on Sunday" ""and check up on the baby?" "He's gonna be in the backyard."" "My son is not potty trained," "Which is, uh, really late for three." "Uh, and it's embarrassing." "I was at the park the other day" "And one of the moms saw his diaper" "Sticking out of his pants." "And she tried to embarrass me." "She was like, "oh, I hope child protective services" "Doesn't take your son."" "But I was like, "they could?" "[laughter]" ""Maybe I will go to Vegas this weekend."" "And I miss my old life." "I used to have a lot of funny" "I used to go out with a Russian guy." "I loved him 'cause he never thought" "He had an accent." "Like, I would make fun of my ex-boyfriend's accent" "And he'd get very angry." "[in Russian accent] "ha ha." "Guess what." "You're the only one that notices."" "And I love Russians." "But the Russian language" "Doesn't have the word "the" in it." "Which is why Russians never say "the" in English." "Like, we were watching tv once and he goes," ""pass me remote control, please."" "So I go, "it's the remote control." ""you've been here 20 years." ""maybe if you said 'the' every once in a while," "You would have a job."" "[laughter]" ""please pass me the remote control."" "And I go, "well, that was perfect."" ""thank you, the bitch."" "All right, that's my time." "Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" "Laurie Kilmartin." "Judges, what did you think?" "I enjoyed the whole set, really, I really did." "I also liked that you brought" "That you, uh, made count Chocula a reference again." "'cause that went away." "And I have to say that last joke with the remote was fantastic." "Thanks." "That means a lot." "I agree with Andy." "I think you're funny for a lady." " Ooh!" " No, I'm kidding." "I think you're hil" " You're the best lady judge on the panel." " Thank you!" " You're welcome." "Um, I love your shirt, great color." "Uh, you're amazing." "Thank you." "[laughs] thanks." "[chuckles]" "I like the little catfight." "Laurie, you're a great, great, great joke writer." "You're very funny." "That was a great set." " Thanks." " Yeah." "Thanks." "Laurie Kilmartin, everybody." "Laurie Kilmartin." "[cheers and applause]" "Unfortunately, it's that time again." "It's time for my birth control pill." "So please enjoy these commercial messages" "And don't get pregnant." "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to the last comic standing semifinals." "[cheers and applause]" "I did the semifinals in 2007," "And I'm just trying not to be a two-time loser." "There's a lot at stake for me right now." "Um, if I don't move on, it's, you know," "Two days of crying and [indistinct] some food" "And move on." "Coming to the stage is Tommy Johnagin." "[cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "I'm a new uncle." "My sister had a baby a little while ago." "That's exciting." "Uh, 10 1/2-pound baby." "I don't know if you've ever seen one of these," "But it's like, you're looking at John Goodman" "But from far away." "That is the fattest piece of baby" "I've ever seen in my life." "They put him in the baby room" "And he's surrounded by tiny babies" "And he's just this giant looks-like-he-works-there baby." "Be like, "if you're gonna be on the clock," "You need to put your shirt on" "What happened to your belly button?" "That's a problem." "I can't even believe that's her second baby." "I can't even believe that people" "Can just make people anyway." "You can just make them." "And she didn't even mean to do it." "She was just like, pa-pop." "People, people." "You can just accidentally create human life." "But if you want to build a shed," "You have to really want to build a shed." "No one's ever called you after a long weekend" "And been like, "I think I built a shed last night."" "It felt really good, and I didn't want to stop." "I am not ready for a shed right now." "This shed is ruining my life." "All people are different, but they're all made the same." "And that's kind of confusing to me." "You make all people the same and they come out different." "You just put it in there," "Move it around for a little while..." "People." "Right?" "And they come out completely different." "I guess that's all right." "But sometimes people have twins," "And they come out different." "And I'm not gonna stand for that." "That's ridiculous." "It's dumb." "It doesn't make sense." "If you're making muffins" "And you put the pan in the oven," "And one of them came out blueberry" "And of them was just some weird dude named John... [laughter]" "I wanna make people someday." "I hope to make people." "Uh, I'm single now." "Uh, I think the best thing about being single" "Is you have a-- yeah, that's great," "We can talk about that later." "Um, kind of in the middle of something." "Uh..." "When you're single, you have a lot of first kiss." "I'm not trying to brag," "But I've kissed some broads right on the lips." "And, uh, a first kiss is crazy" "Because you can't look at somebody" "And know how they're gonna kiss." "You don't know until you're in the middle of it" "And you have to adjust to their kissing style." ""more tongue." "less tongue."" ""spit on her."" "It's crazy." "I'm never--I don't know." "It's weird adjustments." "Sometimes you can kiss someone and you can be like," ""this is the best thing" ""that has ever happened to my mouth." "I love it."" "And sometimes you kiss someone," "And you're like," ""get your face away from my face."" ""remove your face from mine," ""and back slowly out of the door." "Never text me again."" "I kissed this girl." "One time I saw her kiss face." "I saw her kiss face." "You know that face you make when you kiss" "Like, I kept my eyes open too long." "It's a problem." "So we're leaning in and her kiss face is awful." "Her eyes are clenched," "Her lips are just all tight." "It's like I'm not even trying to kiss her." "It's like I'm trying to feed her vegetables" "Against her will." "She's going, "nuh-uh." "I don't want none." "Over my dead body."" "So we start kissing and it's not" "It doesn't get better." "It does not get better." "It's just, as soon as their lips touch," "She shoves her head forward into mine." "Like, just with her neck muscles" "And for no reason at all, I start shoving back at her." "Just "mrr."" "Like, I'm not gonna lose or something." "Like it's a" "It's some weird evolutionary test." "And I'm just like, "mrr."" "So we're in this, like, gooseneck kiss thing," "Which is going terrible," "And then it gets worse when our teeth touched." "[audience ohs]" "Your teeth are behind your lips." "I'm technically in your mouth right now." "This is less of a kiss" "And more of how I eat a sandwich." "All right, that's it for me, guys." "Thank you very much." "Tommy Johnagin." "Any thoughts, judges?" " Hey, Tommy." " Hello." "Um, I loved the shed joke." "It was fantastic." "I, uh, I enjoyed the muffins." "Now I'm doing an oral report about your act." "So I'm, so I'm moving on?" "So I can just-- I'm moving on?" "No, that's not the way it works." "It's, uh, we make remarks" "And they don't necessarily mean anything." " Okay." " Uh, Tommy." "I think not only are you really funny," "I get the feeling you're competitive." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "I'm in a contest." "I think..." "That's true." "That's true." "But I will say..." "More than other people," "I think that you're more competitive" "Than some of the other people," "And I do think that you could maybe win this contest." "That's why I was trying to give you a compliment." " So I'm moving on?" " I don't know yet." "We don't know." "Listen." "Uh, you did so many things well." "Like, so many things that comics need to do well" "Well in that set, unbelievable." "Like, observations," "Like how you can make people by accident," "But look how, you know, you can't do it with something" "Something else by accident." "That's such a great observation" "That I haven't heard made before" "And you did it so well." "Oh, thanks." "And then just the description of the kiss." "Like, you described a bad kiss so perfectly." "You know, to me, a great comic could use words" "And paint the picture." "You described the bad kiss so perfectly." "It took me all the way back to when I was an altar boy." "And I-- that, that" " You stunned the crowd." "You stunned them." "That was just great, man." "That was a great, great set." "That was great comedy right there." "Thank you very much." "I appreciate it." "Thank you." "Thank you, Tommy." "There's some nerves involved because it's not over." "So I feel like I did great," "But there's a lot of great comedians" "That could do equally as good." "If you don't like to laugh, you're watching the wrong show." "But don't leave 'cause we need the ratings." "Don't go anywhere." "We'll be right back." "[cheers and applause]" "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to last comic standing." "I hope everyone enjoyed their bathroom break." "The comics are trying to avoid elimination tonight" "So please, laugh like you just saw Shrek 4." "[laughter]" "Our next comic has a really unique perspective." "Check her out." "This is the biggest moment in my career." "This is definitely it." "Like, this is, like, I went from having" "Just kind of, like, little things to, like," "Maybe having a career that could last." "Please welcome Claudia Cogan." "[cheers and applause]" "I'm told pretty often, uh," "That I look young for my age to the point where" "I'm always being shoved in a van" "On the way home from school." "[laughter]" "There is no better way to fluster a child abductor" "Than to show them your valid driver's license." "And then they're all apologies, um..." "On a side note, I work" "Or maybe, uh, that's too strong a word" "As a temp." "Um..." "My motto is," ""same crap, different desk."" "And no one ever knows your name." "Like, you're just walking around the office" "And people are like, "hey, claudine."" ""hey, welcome back, claudette."" ""why are you crying in the stairwell, sacajawea?"" "[laughter and applause]" "I used to work for a company called Houdini temps," "The staffing magicians." "Um, which is great 'cause I know how to escape responsibility." "And I asked them one day" "Like, "where's the magic in these assignments?"" "And they were like, "don't you go in there every day" "And convince them you're not hung over?"" "And I was like, "yes." "And they said, "well, you're quite the little illusionist." "[laughter]" "I think it would be a lot better" "If the names of temp agencies were way more literal." "Like how about, I don't know, seat-warmer staffing." "Possible no-show." "You're not Marissa..." "Agency." "All right, thank you guys so much." "Claudia Cogan." "Give it up." "Let's see how the judges feel about Claudia." "Uh, you know, you're very funny." "For some reason, your set tonight, um," "It just didn't-- I didn't," "Didn't kill me tonight." "Claudia." "I was a little lost." "I did laugh a couple times," "But I felt like each time, you kind of had to win me over." "I wasn't on board." "So I'm, I'm, you know." "You know, I like, I like you as a comedienne." "I like what you do." "I like your tone, I like your point of view." "You had some really funny jokes." "I like dark, twisty stuff." "But that" "Yeah, that set didn't really" "Didn't really jump off the stage, but, uh," "But I think you're very funny." " Thanks, Greg." " Thanks, Claudia." "[cheers and applause]" "Let's hear it for Claudia Cogan." "[cheers and applause continue]" "I made the semifinals." "It's a big deal because I wanted to be" "Perceived as a comic that could write." "And I want America to say, "you know what?" "I like him."" "I don't wanna say I'm gonna be" "The last comic standing, but I will." "I would like to be the last guy" "They hand the check to at the end of the day." "Coming to the stage is Maronzio Vance." "[cheers and applause]" "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "What's up, people?" "How's everybody doing?" "Y'all good?" "[cheers and applause]" "That is great." "I'm glad everybody showed up." "That is wonderful." "True story, I tried to go out and apply for a job 'cause times is real hard 'cause of the recession." "I went out to apply for a job, and I did not know this." "But did you know that when you go apply for a job now," "They check your credit." "They do a credit check before they give you a job." "And I thought that was" "The whole purpose of getting..." "A job..." "Was so you could fix your credit." "So that means I have to go work at Wal-Mart and save up" "To go across the street just to work at target, and... [laughter] [cheers and applause]" "It's hard to find a job, though, it is." "When I first moved to L.A." "First moved to L.A., I had a hard time finding a job." "And I had to remember the advice my grandfather gave me." "My grandfather told me, "if you ever want a job" ""if you ever want a job," "Just go on it and start working."" "[laughter]" "He said, "they are bound to notice you" "Sooner or later."" "And I applied this advice" "And I just went into the gap one day" "And started folding clothes." "[laughter]" "And it was awkward 'cause I was folding the clothes" "And I saw the lines were real long," "So I was like, "maybe I can advance today" "And get on the register."" "And I was like, "can I help the next person?"" "[laughter]" "Y'all been great." "Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" "Maronzio Vance." "Any thoughts, judges?" "Maronzio, that was really fantastic." "You came out and you, uh" "We have opposite philosophies about comedy." "You tried to get the crowd more whipped up." "I try to get the crowd more quiet before I start." "I like to lower the expectations." "I thought about that." "Yeah, no, you went the right way." "You know why I love watching you?" "It's really amazing," "Because your voice is kind of quiet" "And you have your own rhythm." "And everybody was just riveted to what you were saying." "Which I think is hard to do, like, in a theater." "So I just, I just love listening to you." "And I love that last bit about if you wanna, uh," "Uh, do a job, just take the job." "I thought it was great." " That's what happened tonight." "I just showed up here" " Really great." "Really great, Maronzio." "[cheers and applause]" "Uh, Maronzio, you've really grown on me." "Thank you very much." "I hope so." " And uh-- - in a good way, right?" "Not like in a rash type oh, my God-  [laughs]" "You have this quality where I feel like" "You're talking to just me." "Uh, don't take that the wrong way, but" " No, that's cool." "If you like it." " It felt very intimate especially" " Stop flirting if you don't want" " Andy, let her flirt, please." "Um..." "Yeah, I really think that you-- [laughter]" "You're adorable, and very funny." "Thank you." " Take it away, Greg." " Yeah, I think, uh-- [cheers and applause]" "You're just, you're so beautiful." "[laughs]" "I feel like I just wanna stare at you." "What the hell?" "Listen." "Oh, uh..." " [laughs]" " Maronzio." "[cheers and applause]" "You're such a great storyteller." "So funny to watch tell stories." "That was a great performance." "You're very funny." "You did a good job." "Appreciate it." "Give it up for maronzio Vance." "[cheers and applause]" "We have only a few performances left." "Then we'll find out" "Who's moving on to the next round." "We'll be right back after these messages." "[cheers and applause]" "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back." "I know this may come as devastating news," "But there are only a few semifinalists left" "To perform." "[audience ohs] [whispering] I know." "[laughter]" "So get comfortable and get ready" "For the home stretch, bitches." "[laughter]" "Our next comic will attempt to captivate you" "With his funny stories." "See for yourselves." "If I don't do well in the competition," "I will definitely have to get a job." "My wife has said without question," "I need to support my two children." "I can't remember their names right now." "But I'm gonna have to find something." "[cheers and applause]" "Okay, America, it's time to say hello" "To Jason nash." "[cheers and applause]" "Uh, before I begin," "I just wanna say I am not k.D. Lang, um... [laughter]" "I have a wife, uh, and two kids." "I love my kids very much." "They're great, but, uh," "My life has gotten really pathetic" "Since I had children." "Yeah, my wife keeps a baby monitor by my head" "All night long." "So all you hear when sleeping is," ""ahh... [getting louder] "ahh... [laughter]" ""Ahh!"" "[laughter]" "That's how I wake up every day." "I hear that monitor." "Then I hear my three-year-old:" ""daddy, I have poopy!"" "It's like being woken by Kim Jong-il." "[laughter] [cheers and applause]" "My kid said, "'f' it" the other day." "He's three." "Sitting all of a sudden in the other room," "You just hear a, a crash and then, "'f' it."" "[laughter]" "I went in there, I say, "wyatt, you can't say that word."" "He said, "why?"" "I said, "just don't say it, it's bad."" "He goes, "why?"" "I go, "well, first of all, you know," "You're using it all wrong, okay?"" ""f" it is about time and work put in." "If you were building a pyramid of trains" "And were working on it all afternoon," "Then when it fell, you know," "You could be like, "ah, 'f' it."" "Like that." "Or in daddy's case," "Daddy was going to be a famous stand-up comedian," "But then he had you, and he said, "'f' it."" "[laughter and groaning]" "That's my time." "Boston!" "[cheers and applause]" "Jason nash!" "[cheers and applause continue]" "Okay, judges, any words for Jason nash?" "Jason." "You know, you've hit this vein" "Of talking about what going on with you." "I just think it's exactly what you need to be doing." "So that's great." "Okay, thank you, Andy!" "Wow." "From Andy kindler." "You don't know, he's a big deal." "[judges laugh]" "That's exactly-- like you don't know" "He's a big deal." "I mean, to a lot of people he is." "Jason, uh, I've been watching you for a long time," "And what's funny is his wife would come to his shows" "And just laugh hysterically" "As you say the worst things about her." "And make it really funny." "And now you have a kid" "And you say the worst things about the child, um" " Yes." " I really love it." " Thank you so much." "You know, you also have this energy" "That's weird 'cause, like, you're like," "Silly happy but creepy sad at the same time." "[laughs]" "And it's very original and awesome." "You're really, really funny, Jason." "That was a good set." "All right, thank you." " Thanks, Jason." " Jason nash." "Thank you, Jason." "[cheers and applause]" "I'm about to hit the stage, uh, perform in a semifinal," "Which I have been preparing for for weeks." "So yeah, I'm nervous, obviously." "Of course I am." "Why am I" "I should be out there right now." "Why would I do this right before I go on stage?" "Are you people nuts?" "Where do I-- where do I" "Which way is it?" "How do I get there?" "Make some noise for James Adomian." "[cheers and applause]" "Hey." "I love that you can't just watch tv anymore these days." "I love that I'm expected to have watched" "And entire television series on DVD" "Before someone will even talk to me as a human being" "At a party." "No, I haven't seen all of lost." "How is that even possible?" ""you've gotta see it now, it's ending!" "Go see it, watch it all!"" "Calm down." "Do you know how many hours there are of lost?" "There's, like, 200 hours." "You just asked me to watch 100 feature-length films." "Why don't you pull back a little bit" "And recommend a movie first?" "Like, I maybe could watch a movie 'cause I'm a human being." "Like, if you came to me and you were like," ""hey, here's this great book that you should read,"" "I could reasonably be expected to read the book." "But if you're like," ""hey, you ever read time magazine?" ""you should go read all of time magazine now." "Decades of it."" "I would slap you." "I do like some things on tv, though." "I love whenever I get to see Gary Busey anywhere." "Because of his hilariously ridiculous" "Motivational acronyms." "[imitating Busey] "let me explain something" ""to you people right now." ""I'm not here to distract you little piglets" ""from the dangers that you face." ""I am here because I believe in rape:" ""reaction against predatory enemies."" "[laughter]" ""and that is why I will look you all in the eye" ""at the same time and explain to you people" ""that the events of 9/11 happened on 9/12." ""that is the truth." ""and I say that because I believe in 'pussi.'" ""purity under stressful secretive instances."" "[laughter] [cheers and applause]" "James Adomian." "Okay, judges, let us have it." "James." "Fantastic." "Great job, man." "Thanks for the straight dope." "Kindler." "You're doing me there, right?" "Natasha." "Mm, mm, mm." "[laughs]" "Do Jesse "the body" ventura." "Do Jesse "the body" ventura." "I don't care what America thinks." "You're not my commanding officer." "[cheers and applause]" "Can you do George Bush?" "Uh, I appreciate that." "I understand..." "I'm fully understandful that there's folks out there." "I know that." "[laughs] [cheers and applause]" "I have to say..." "You're so funny and you're so original" "And your impressions always have" "Like, some people can do, like, the accent" "And the mannerisms." " The voice, in fact." " Yeah." " But he always-- his impressions" "No, this is important." "Your impressions always have, like, a point of view" "And they really have, like, a strong take" "And they're always so funny and so original." "Thank you." "That is true." " All right." "Do, uh" "Do Italian prime minister silvio Berlusconi." "Oh, my God, it's brutal." "Oh, gee." "That's hard for me." "[cheers and applause]" "Thank you, James." "One more time." "James Adomian." "[cheers and applause]" "There's more comedy when we come back." "Plus, we're getting close to decision time." "If that's not enough for you people," "I'll breakdance in my drawers." "[cheers and applause] [hip-hop beats]" "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to last comic standing." "This is the semifinals, and I'm Craig Robinson." "[cheers and applause]" "Right now, it's time for our final performances" "Of the night;" "let's get to it." "Our next comic wowed the audience" "At the New York showcase." "Check her out." "I'm really excited for tonight." "I have no idea what's gonna happen." "I mean, I just wanna get through these jokes" "And not forget what I'm gonna say," "And not trip and, uh," "Hopefully kick ass." "Let's welcome miss Carmen lynch." "[cheers and applause]" "Hi." "So I have a boyfriend now and he's my height," "Which is really weird, 'cause I usually date really short guys 'cause they follow me around all the time." "[laughter]" "Especially the little hispanics and their little friends." "[laughter]" "They follow me around like I'm snow white." "[laughter] [applause]" "One time I was like, "oh, my God," "What's that on my calf?"" "And it was a little peruvian." "[laughter]" "And I was like, "hold on, little peruvian," "I'm gonna take you home."" "[laughter]" "Anyway, my sister just had a baby, which is crazy." "I went to check it out," "And they put it in the hospital room" "With all the other babies," "And they're all wrapped up in blankets." "They look like burritos... [laughter]" "With a head, and I freaked out." "I was like, "doctor, oh, my God," "These babies have no arms."" "And he's like, "no, they do." ""we just have to tuck them in" "So they don't hit themselves in the face."" "And I'm like, "that's hilarious."" "[laughter]" "Can we leave them out for a couple minutes?" "[laughter]" "I promise I'll tuck them in later." "[laughter]" "Babies are weird when they're first born." "I was watching my niece cry." "And when they first cry, they don't have tear ducts 'cause they haven't developed so they don't have tears," "So they cry dry." "Well, I didn't know this." "I was watching my niece "cry."" "And I was like, "shut up, you're faking it." ""what are you, an actress?"" "[cheers and applause]" ""get over yourself." ""I'm the performer in this family." ""find something else to do." "I got here first." ""plus, what are you crying about anyway?" ""you just got here." "You're two hours old." ""what about the rest of us?" ""we've been through a lot of [bleep]." ""you don't see us crying all the time." "Stop being such a baby."" "[laughter]" "Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" "Carmen lynch, everybody." "Let's hear it from the judges." "Carmen, you have such a unique perspective." "And the baby punching itself in the face was fantastic." "But I guess felt like-- some of the other ones" "I felt like were just almost there," "But they weren't, like, quite developed enough." "Okay." "It was such an original point of view." "It's an original style." "It's an original enough delivery and stuff" "To manage to stay likable and mean at the same time." "And I thought the baby, "what are you crying about?"" "And "you're faking it," you know," "I thought that was a very original thing" "I never heard and hilarious." "Yes." "Great job, Carmen." "One more time for Carmen lynch." "[cheers and applause]" "Last comic standing represents a rebirth for me," "For my career." "It represents the culmination of 30 years" "Of doing stand-up comedy and it's going" "To be fascinating to see what happens." "Get ready to laugh with Brian McKim!" "[cheers and applause]" "Thank you all very much." "I'm happy to be here." "Was riding down the road in north Carolina." "Saw several billboards for an establishment" "That offered, "fine food, adult toys."" "[laughter]" "Now there's a winning combination." "Yes, I'm ready to order." "I'll have the edible panties with portobello mushrooms." "[laughter]" "You know what I say about edible panties?" "I say if you're drunk enough and your teeth" "Are sharp enough, any panties are edible panties." "[laughter and applause]" "Save your money." "Get yourself some fruit roll-ups" "And a hot iron." "[laughter]" "I got off a plane recently in Phoenix, Arizona." "It was 114 degrees." "I decided to cool off in the hotel pool." "It was 113 degrees." "[laughter]" "I was swimming near the five-year-olds, 'cause when they peed, it was cooler." "[laughter]" "Another round of pepsis for my pissing posse." "98.6 beats a buck 13 any day, let me tell you." "[laughter and applause]" "I got to go." "[cheers and applause]" "Make some noise!" "Brian McKim!" "[cheering continues]" "Andy kindler, would you like to start us off with" " I'd like to begin." "I would like to begin." "With the speaking of the judges?" "I would like to do that." "And not understanding amplification," "I will continue to lean in like I'm testifying" "At a congressional hearing until I'm stopped." "Brian, good to see you, sir." "Good to see you." "I forgot you were gonna be here." " I-- [laughter]" "That's happened throughout my entire career." "[laughter]" "I enjoyed your act." "Great use of glasses." "[laughter]" "It was even." "It was smooth sailing." "All right, good." "I love your delivery style." "I wish everyone from Jersey talked" "Like they were in a screwball comedy and... [laughter]" "I think you're the bee's knees." "[laughter]" "Yeah, I think you're a regular Joe." "A six-pack Charlie." "[laughter]" "I love the cadences." "I like what you do a lot." "You know, you have funny stuff and a good persona." "Why, thank you all." "[cheers and applause]" "Brian McKim, ladies and gentlemen." "Thank you, Brian." "[cheering continues]" "Okay, that was our final performance of the night." "Now it's decision time for our judges." "When we come back, find out who's moving on" "To the next round and who's going back" "To Loserville, new Hampshire." "[cheers and applause]" "Wow." "[indistinct]" " It's a little nerve-wracking right now" "While they're trying to deliberate, 'cause it takes forever." "I've got a lot of nervous energy." "I feel like I've been waiting for days." "What does he say that I've anticipated?" "Everybody is so good." "I didn't expect people to be this good tonight" "And if I go to the finals," "I'll lose it." "[cheers and applause]" "Welcome back to the last comic standing semifinals." "It's been an incredible night" "And now it's time to find out who's moving on" "To the next round." "Before I read the results," "Let's hear it for all of the comedians" "That performed tonight." "Come on." "[cheers and applause]" "Let's do this." "Group one, please step forward." "[cheers and applause]" "One of you will move on to the next round." "The rest of you are going home." "The comic moving on is..." "James Adomian." "[cheers and applause]" " Me being one of the top-ten finalists" "In last comic standing is a fantastic honor" "And it's something that is very exciting for America." "Yeah, me and the judges had some words" "And I'm not sure if that had an influence on me" "Not moving on or not." "I don't think they're that petty." "You know what I mean?" "I mean, if you look at the guys who made it" "And the girls who made it, I mean," "They're funny people." "Group two, please step forward." "The next comic moving on is..." "Roy wood Jr.!" "[cheers and applause]" "When Craig called my name," "I was relieved like you would not believed." "And it was bittersweet because there go my friends" "And they're walking off the stage" "And that hurts." "But I wouldn't give 'em back the opportunity" "To be the last comic standing for the world." "[cheering continues]" "It's a slaughter out there." "I'm bummed." "Lot of good people didn't make it." "A lot of good people." "Group three, please step forward." "The next comic moving on is..." "Laurie Kilmartin." "[cheers and applause]" "I was shocked." "There's been many times in the past five years" "Where I'm like, "I should just quit,"" "But I'm glad I didn't," "Because it turns out some part of my heart," "The part that kept telling me to go up onstage was right." "Yeah, moving on would have been nice," "But, you know, hopefully this is just a jumping-off point." "Hopefully there's a lot more to come." "Group four, please step forward." "[cheers and applause]" "The next comic moving on is..." "Tommy Johnagin!" "[cheers and applause]" "I'm really excited about making the final ten." "I made the semifinals three years ago" "And so now I'm in the part that I'm not used to." "I've never done this." "This is a big deal for my career." "[cheering continues]" "You know what?" "I really wanted it," "But you can't always get what you want" "And I'll maybe try again or something," "But I'm not gonna lie." "[sniffling]" "That sucks." "Group five, please step forward." "[cheers and applause] [laughter and applause]" "And our final last comic standing finalist is..." "Maronzio Vance!" "[cheers and applause]" "When Craig called my name," "I wanted to look at him and be like," ""are you serious?" "Like, are you joking?" ""man, don't play with me like that." "My family's watching."" "That's twice he's called my name for something." "Let's go for three times." "I feel disappointed." "I'm obviously, you know, disappointed," "But, like, Maronzio-- I've known Maronzio" "And we, like, you know," "Go out to the shows [indistinct]." "He's a good guy, so." "Let's welcome back the comics" "Who were selected last week." "Felipe Esparza, Jonathan Thymius," "Rachel Feinstein, Mike Destefano," "Myq Kaplan." "Here they are, America," "Our top ten." "Next week, they will perform on this stage" "For your votes, America." "Remember, you will decide who is the funniest" "And who will be the winner" "Of $1/4 million and the title of last comic standing." "Thanks for our judges." "I'm Craig Robinson." "Good night, America and everyone associated with... [indistinct]"