"Welcome home, Prince Leo." "Behold, one day all this will be yours." "I hope you like property taxes, kid." "Danny, you're already making lame dad jokes." "I'll tell you what's a joke." "The parking at that hospital." " Danny?" " Yeah?" " Where's our TV?" " And my laptop, and our booze." "Oh, my God, we've been robbed." "No, we haven't been robbed." " I baby proofed the place." " Baby proofed?" " Yeah." " More like fun-proofed." "Look, I read in an article that says kids shouldn't watch screens until they're 18." "I was literally raised on TV, and I turned out perfect." "You have an attention span of 15 seconds." "What?" "Huh?" "Hey, did you disable the wifi?" " Yep." " How am I gonna turn my ill-informed mommy blog into a book of stolen recipes?" " That's my dream!" " Look, it's gonna be hard for me too." "Giving up the Weather Channel" "Especially in an El Nino year." "Yeah." "You do love El Nino." "We're both in this together, okay?" "Look at him." "He's all that matters." " I love this guy." " Hey, did you find my gun?" "There's a gun in here?" "No." "No." " Love you." " I love you, too." "Found it." "It was in the toilet." "_" "_" "Danny, what does that mean?" "A beautiful boy could only come from such a beautiful mother?" "Danny, I love that." "I'm gonna get that as a tramp stamp." " Yeah?" " That's gorgeous." "Come here." "Maybe I should take paternity leave." "Are you kidding me?" "Sex noises again?" " It's ridiculous." " The third time this week." " It's disgusting." " I'm getting a UTI just thinking about it." "You know what we used to do when we heard sex noises?" "We would just turn the volume up on the TV, so maybe" "We should go next door and talk to her because we're not bringing back the TV." " Yes." "Great idea." " But--but" " Let's do it." "Come on, babe." " Okay." "Just one sec, guys." "Just fool around with each other for a minute, okay?" " Yeah?" " Can you quiet it down?" "This is a family building, not the last days of Rome." "Yeah, yeah, you guys are the old married couple" " that live next door." " I'm sorry, old?" "No, no, no, no." "Him, maybe." "Not me." "I'm essentially a child bride." "Okay, regardless, this is a family building, so can you dial it down a couple of shades of grey?" "Okay, so I have to sit and listen to your baby cry all night?" "I'd rather die than dial anything down for a couple of smug breeders because in six months when you guys move out to Scarsdale and you get fat and you die, I'm gonna be here partying with the anorexic gay couple that moves in, okay?" " Okay, all right." " All right." " Oh." "Okay, so we agreed, no screens, no junk food till he's done breastfeeding, and no going outside till he gets his vaccinations." "Except to go to the movies with him, which is fine because I'm ethnic." "No, New York City is the greatest city in the world, but it's a vile cesspool of disease." "We invented AIDS." "Take that, San Fran." "Okay." "I can stay inside." "Although I did email TMZ that I'd be leaving the house today." "And most important, keep this nearby so Leo doesn't forget Papa." "That's sweet, but we are saying "daddy" and "mommy."" "None of this, like, Papa, Mama," "European bull jive, okay?" "We're Americans." "No." " Mi familia." "Okay, you're getting very Italian and very emotional this morning." "You guys--I love you guys so much." " Yeah." " I love you." "I love you, too." " Ciao bella." "Go out and make us some money, okay?" "I have very expensive habits." " I'll call you in five minutes." " Bye, babe." "So as of now, we no longer take the API insurance, but we do take Steve Harvey brand insurance." "So nice of you to finally join us, Dr. Castellano." "Or should I say, proud Papa Castellano." "Bring it in." "Bring it in." "Hey, where's Dr. L?" "Oh, wait, let me guess." "She's at home with that baby." "She's with Leo, yeah." "They're doing great." "Not that anyone's asking." "She should be back about, I don't know, 8 to 12 weeks." "Oh, that must be nice." "I didn't get any time off when my dog had puppies." " You took two weeks off." " I only needed one." "I totally get it." "I recently missed an important lunch because I was admiring a butter-yellow dandelion that had forced its way through a pavement crack." "That's a weird new attitude." "Yeah, Dr. Reed's been in a real good mood since he started getting it on the reg." "On the reg with Whitney?" "Well..." "She knows you're going out, right?" "Indeed she does, Danny." "And I'm as happy as a prawn in sauce." "Hey, Dr. R., since you're in such a good-ass mood," "I was wondering if we could revisit my request for a "TLC Tuesdays" dress code?" "TLC Tuesdays?" "You know, like, I don't want no scrubs to wear on my body." "No scrubs." "Well, that could be fun." "Oh, my God." "Thank you!" "It will so not interfere with work." "I just need the next two hours off" " to plan what I'm going to wear." " Get outta here." "I was planning on making an Irish exit here, but since you're in such a good mood, what the hell?" "And my wife took me back." "So I'm quitting and going back to Philly to be with her." "Adrian, that is fantastic news." "No way, no." "No, no, no, no." "That's not fantastic." "No." "If he quits, there's only two doctors here." "More importantly, if he quits," "I'm the only single guy in the office." "Me." "The cute one." "Don't get in the way of love." "Oh, my little buddy, Leo, is up." "What kind of trouble are we gonna get in today?" "Any drama?" "Any fun excitement?" "Nothing?" "Oh, my God, Danny." "There's an emergency!" "What?" "Wha--wha--wha--wha-- Is Leo okay?" "Is he okay?" "What's going on?" "I'm so bored." " For God's sake." " Danny, I have no internet." "I have no TV." "Did you know that Leo's not even gonna talk until he's 12 months old?" "Yes, we're doctors." "You didn't know that?" "I'm an OB-GYN, pal." "I'm not a pedo-atrician." "How can you be bored?" "Our baby's like a work of art." "It's like being at the Guggenheim all day." "Do not bring up the Guggenheim." "Remember they kicked me out for tripping and falling all the way down the spiral?" "I was worried this might happen, so I left you a care package." "It's in our closet." "A care package?" "In the closet?" " Mindy?" " Thank you, Danny!" "All right." "Leo, your daddy gave me a present." "Ugh!" "Books?" "Come on, dude." "Okay..." "What do we got here?" "Ahem." ""Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean."" "Okay, this is hitting a little too close to home." "Now, let's..." ""The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn."" "Certainly has a lot of the N-word like a Kanye song." "Oh, no, but it has a message like a Common song." "No, thank you." "Hmm." "I hear this one's pretty good." "Very violent." "How can a book with this many Jews in it not have a single joke?" "So, how are we feeling these days, Mr. Reese?" "There you go." "My husband left a year ago and I've only recently felt like I'm ready to love again." "Me and you both, sister, 'cause I'm single and I'm looking for a nice girl to take care of." "Well, you know, we're kind of in the same boat." "It might be fun if you and I" "Shh!" "Quiet." "Quiet." "Stop, stop." "That's Dr. L's ring." "Okay." "Hey, Dr. L, I guess you butt dialed me." "I'm gonna hand up on myself." "So sorry to waste your time." "Wait, no, Morgan." "Don't hang up." " Hello?" " I called you on purpose." "What's going on in the office?" "This is a social call?" "Yeah, this is a social call." "Waited my whole life for this." "I am so bored." "I'm finally getting around to writing my sweet 16 thank you cards." "Well, oh, yeah, my love life's in the toilet." " Okay." " It there not one woman out there who is willing to date a nice, poor man?" "It sounds good to me." "Shh!" "Please, can you be quiet?" "I'm on the phone." "Eileen, I need you to be quite." "You talking to me?" "This is a freaking big one." "Hello?" "Wait." "That's the minimum wage?" "Nobody tell Morgan." "Finally, some real news." "An ad." "Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are signing copies of their new cookbook." "Jake and Maggie are my favorite actor siblings." "Oh, man." "I know your dad doesn't want us to leave the apartment, but what are the chances that Jake Gyllenhaal has rubella?" "Like, 30% max." "_" "_" "Just, it's so hard being alone at this time of year because summer's over and, you know, the ladies are wearing sweaters now, so you can't see their boobs so good." "Morgan, can I help you?" "I hope so." "I've been talking to you for a half hour." "Is there anything" "Just I've got lots of work to do." "Well, I have to work on myself." " Whitney." " Hi, baby." " Hey, baby." " How are you?" " Better now." " Oh, good, me, too." "God." " I got to take this, okay?" " Okay." "The hell are you" "Fuego." "New lovers." "Can, uh, can we take you out to lunch?" " Our treat." " So you two can rub your love in my face all meal?" "Maybe." "Only 'cause I make $2 an hour." "I will see you tonight." "Oh, I can't wait." "No, don't worry." "He doesn't suspect anything." "He's an idiot." "Okay, 8:00 at Averill's." "Got ya." "_" "_" "Well, Leo, we did it." "We meet the Gyllenhaals." "Peter Sarsgaard said to your mommy," ""Get the hell away from my wife."" "That was pretty cool." "You cannot tell your father about any of this, all right?" "You keep all of Mommy's secrets, don't you." " Oh, God." "_" "Leo." "Are you okay?" "Try to throw the keys under the door." "Damn it, they're too big." "Oh, no." "Sexually-active hallmate!" "Excuse me?" "Oh, thank God." "Oh, it's you." "You back to do some more slut-shaming?" "You know, you have some nerve." "'cause I've seen you walking around in those sweatpants that say "ho" on the butt." "They say "hero," it's just my crack eats the middle letters." "I need to use your balcony." "I got locked out of my apartment, and my boyfriend cannot know I left the house." "Why?" "Is he holding you hostage?" "You know what?" "I railed a cop last night." "I can wake him up." "Okay, that's a plan B. I need to help my baby, please." "All right." "Oh, man." "There's a lot of condoms out here." "Oh, the Clippers were in town." " Ugh." " Yeah." "Okay, it doesn't matter." "Ah, my sweet junk food." "I'm coming for you, Leo!" "I am so happy you're one of those rich girls that stays at home all day and doesn't work." "What?" "I'm a publicist." "Well, that's a pretty easy job." " For Bieber." " Oh, God." " I know." " Okay." "Oh, mama." "I think I can do this." " Okay." " Oh, God, my episiotomy stitches!" " Oh..." " Oh, that really hurts." "Oh, God." "We're so high up." "I can't do this." "I can't do this." " It's very scary." " You can do this." "You can do this." "Matt Lauer does this all the time." " Really?" " Yeah." " Okay?" " I'm really scared." "I know, but it's okay." "You're halfway there." " You think so?" " Yeah." "Okay." "One..." "Two, three." " You did it." " I did--aah!" "Okay, all right." "I saw that coming." "Oh, help me, Chelsea." "I'm gonna wipe my barbecue fingerprints off on the baby." "You just go hide all the junk food and the portable DVD player I had." "Where?" "Uh, there is a hiding spot under some floorboards in the bedroom." "It's filled with candy!" "Hide, hide!" "Leo, I'm home." "Look at these two." "What happened here?" "I was reading one of your old Hardy Boy books." "Got really excited and I knocked it over." "Oh, that's happened to me." "Which one were you reading?" "I--it was the one about the...cave?" "Oh, you can't read that by yourself at home." "No way." "It's really scary stuff." " Right?" " It'll freak you out." "Ah, I have a delivery." "You know what?" "I'll call Jeremy and I'll ask if he can cover so I can hang out with you guys." "No, leave, leave." "Please leave." "I want--I want the little one to see your work ethic." "That is a great point." "It's never too early." "I had my first job at six." "I was a lookout for the Puerto Rican Diablos." "Yeah." "Time to go." " You should head out." " Okay." " Well, all right." " Yeah." " I love you." " I love you, too." "I love you." "Bye, sweetheart." "I'll see you in a little while." " Hey." " Oh, God." "Whew, the a yapper on that guy, huh?" "Yeah, I know." "Thank you for helping me, Chelsea." "I'm really sorry about the other night." "Before I have a baby, I loved listening to you bone randos." "And I loved falling asleep to you munching on peanut brittle." "Danny banned everything peanut until Leo has his allergy tests." "Wow." "Danny's really strict, huh?" "Yeah, he already grounded Leo for giving him the finger." "Well, at least he's hot and rich enough to buy you that giant engagement ring." "At this point I would settle for an ugly-poor if he were nice." " You want to settle down?" " Yeah." "I thought you were slutty for modern female empowerment reasons, not for old-fashioned sad ones." "Yeah, maybe in my 20s that was my thing, but now I see you, and I'm, like, "That-- that looks kinda nice."" "Would you really date anyone as long as they were a nice guy?" "Yes." "Like, anyone?" "Yeah." " Go for Morgan." " Hey, Morgan." " Yes." " Do you want to go on" " Yes." "Yes!" " I haven't even said" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Okay." " He'll pick you up at 7:00." " Great." "I don't have a car." "I don't have a car--but" "I think I got you a date." "Hey, you're, like, super busy and don't have time to talk about personal things, right?" "I'm actually absolutely free." "I gave myself two hours to hang up this photographic collage and I finished with four minutes to spare." " So hit me." " Well, firstly I've been loving TLC Tuesdays, and no matter the outcome of this," "I don't want that to end." "Nothing is gonna end TLC Tuesdays, Tamra." "It's like my relationship with Whitney." "Ugh, okay, well..." "I was gonna tell you this in person, but now I think it's best you hear it the traditional way." "Oh, I just got a text." "Whitney is ch" "Whitney's cheating on me?" "Are you gonna end TLC Tuesdays?" "'Cause I already paid a guy to paint a bathing suit on me for next week." "It was--it was going so well." "We'd given each other nicknames." ""Boo-boo-pants" and "Jeremy."" "It's probably nothing." "All I know for sure is that she's meeting a man behind your back that thinks you're an idiot." "Where is she meeting this man?" "'Cause I'm gonna go there." "Yeah, and I'm gonna walk right up and look at him from behind a plant." " And you're coming with me." " No." "Oh, yes, you are." "Doctor C, can I borrow your stapler?" "A button popped." "Hello, Dr. C?" "Oh, God." "That is right" "Hey, Dr. L." "Can you hear me?" "Can you see me?" "Wait, I can see her, but she can't see me." "He's got Dr. L on nanny cam?" " Oh, God, another guy?" " Oh, my God." " I'm loving this sex." "Oh, boy." " Did you hear that?" " No, I didn't hear anything." " Say my name, Chelsea." " That sounds like" " Ew, no." "Okay, well then I will." "Morgan." "Aah!" "Morgan." "It's Morgan." "What the hell is Morgan doing over there?" "How do they even know each other?" " I have no idea." " I tell you what, if that made a baby, we should name it after the woman" " who introduced us." " Here we go." " Mindy." " What?" "He knows another Mindy?" "Why would you introduce them?" "How are you even talking to her?" "I can explain." "You know what's screwed up?" "She's too scared to tell him she took their son to a book signing today." "Okay." "You took Leo where?" "I was dying in here." "Your care package actually was all package and no care." "This is the ultimate betrayal." "That's nothing." "I went into his office today." "He has a nanny cam on Dr. L all day." " What?" " What?" "A nanny cam?" "That's not what they said." "Where is it, Danny?" " I didn't hear-- I didn't hear them say that." "Is it in the picture frame?" "A nanny cam, Danny?" "I can't believe you wouldn't trust me." "Trust you?" "Are you kidding me?" "Your first day alone with Leo you expose him to Jake Gyllenhaal's germs and then locked him inside our apartment?" "You liked "Southpaw."" "Yeah, well, I didn't love "Brokeback Mountain."" " Danny!" " It wasn't my kind of movie." "You know what?" "It is not fair that I am locked here with zero entertainment." "I just want what's best for Leo." "And I don't?" " Who the hell's that?" " Who the hell is that?" "I'm trying to have a fight with my wife." "Hey, man, it's kinda hard to maintain an erection when I can hear my bosses yelling at each other." "Two people are trying to sex in there and your old-people fighting, it's too much." "It's--it's draining our juices." "Tell 'em, baby." "Uh, I think maybe we should call it a night." "We're gonna call it-- what, what?" "No, see what's happening?" "Two minutes ago, she was like..." "But then..." "You know what, Morgan?" "It's actually not a problem because I've been cooped up in this apartment all day and I think it would be kinda fun to sneak out to get a drink." " What?" " Okay, fine." "Yeah, if--if that's okay with you, master." " A drink?" " It's fine, yes." "He controls where I go and when I go." " Oh, that's not right, either." " No, no, no." " Is that okay?" " Let her go." " A drink?" "A drink!" " Quiet." " Ai maron!" " Stop it, stop it." "Oh, my God." "It is so trashy." "I'm so sorry." "You ready for round two, mama?" "Yeah, good idea." "I--I'm gonna hand with Dr. C." "I think he needs my help, so..." "Oh, my God." "Dr. C?" "Dr. C, I think the wind blew the door." " Tamra." " Come on." "How could you?" "Is this because Dr. Reed has a weird enormous head?" " Okay, I have tall hair." " Jeremy?" "Tamar?" "What are you doing here?" "We are here to show you the face of devastation, specifically mine." "Hi, I'm Gerald." "Oh, forgive me." "Jeremy Reed." " Don't shake his hand!" " Right." "I heard you on the phone, "Whiteney."" "Scheming to meet this Gerald while Dr. Reed's back was turned." "Oh, my--you think I'm cheating with Gerald?" "Well, how else do you explain it?" "Actually, this is not a good time to talk about this, okay?" " Great." " Nah." "Explain yourself right now." "Okay." "You want the truth?" "For the past month, I have been planning a surprise engagement party for my coworker, Gerald." "Really?" "Then why the hell are you two sitting out here?" "Because we're waiting for his fiance, John." "So, when you said he doesn't suspect anything, he's an idiot..." "I was talking about Gerald." "Yeah." "I'm just gonna go home." "Oh, okay." "That makes sense." "But the good news is, you two are still together, so we can keep TLC Tuesdays, right?" "No, from now on every day is business formal day." "No." "I just bought a completely clear top." "Ahem, excuse me?" "I would like your finest body shot, please." "You got it." "Good news, I can stay." "Told the wife I was working late." "Crushed it." "Huge, bro." "Here's to getting home after the kids are bathed and asleep." " Cheers." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Are you dudes for real?" "You two would have rather stay out here and drink than go home and be with your babies?" "As a mother, you disgust me." "Well, as a mother, what the hell are you doing here?" "For your information, I am taking a break 'cause it's all too much." "That's exactly what we're doing." "I-I can't believe it." "Your poor wives." "I mean, honestly." "I bet they would kill to be married to an over-protective psycho who's obsessed with their kid." "If I wanted to get told off by an Indian woman," "I'd tell my doctor how much I actually drink." "Whoa, you don't know what her day was like." "Baby's probably driving her crazy." "She's got it as bad as us." "Actually, my baby's an angel and his father is a saint." "I should bounce." "I'm really sorry, guys." "I-I thought you were these, like, finance "American Psycho" wannabes, but, like, you're just creeps." "Catch you later, dudes." "_" "_" "_" "_" "Mind your business, Tamra." " Hey." " Hey." "I went and picked you up one of those sandwiches you like with all the leaves inside of it." "Lettuce?" "Thanks, babe." "How's he doing?" " He's doing great." " Yeah." "You know, I was wrong to use the nanny cam." "It's our first baby and I was just a little nervous." "But of course I trust you, Mindy." "That's a nice thing to say." "And I didn't do it just to keep an eye out." "I wanted a way to check in when I was missing you two." "Why didn't you just tell me?" "I would have done, like, a sexy strip tease for you." "And I definitely wouldn't have eaten that scab." " What?" " Nothing, nothing." "I have to tell you something, too." "Okay." "I am so happy that the father of my son wants to be so involved in his life." "I'm really lucky." "But you have to just let me be a mom the way that I know how to." "And I'm going to make mistakes, like a lot of mistakes." "Like, more mistakes than pretty much anyone, but I think Leo will be okay." "Because we'll balance each other out." "Yeah, as long as we both compromise a little." "No, that's not what I said." "Yeah." "Oh, my God." "What a crazy night, am I right?" " Cover up." " We are so lucky that we have each other." "Do I like Leo right now?" "No, I don't." "But I will learn to love him and he will learn to love me." "Morgan, I can see your penis." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, God." "_"