""Cartman Sucks"" "I'm going out to South Park, gonna have myself a time," "Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation," "I'm going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind" "Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor," "I'm heading out to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind," "I like girls with big fat titties, I like girls with big fat titties," "So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine," "This picture I like to call "The Pierre."" "I invited Butters to stay the night." "And while he was sleeping, I made a mustache on his face with cat poo." "And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth." "I call this picture "The Sleeping Menstrual."" "This one, I call "Hot Fudge Mondae."" "I really like how the light plays with the background on this one." "Is this all you brought us over here to see?" "Oh no, there's much more." "Let's see." "Oh yes, look at this one." "I call it "New Moon Rising."" "I did a whole study using my ass." "Here it is using some high-contrast stuff." "Trying out some different light filters here." "But this is nothing compared to what I have planned." "Because tonight is going to be my coup de grâce." " Butters is staying over tonight?" " Yes." "And tonight, while Butters is asleep, I am going to" "Hey, fellas!" "Oh, oh, hey, Butters!" "I wasn't expecting you so soon." "Yeah." "I finished my chores so I came over a little early." "Hey!" "Are you guys all sleeping over too?" "No, no, these guys were just leaving." "Weren't you guys?" "Come on, let's go." "Wait, wait, I can't let this happen." " Butters." " Yeah, Kyle?" "Don't you think it's a little strange that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over?" "Kyle!" " What do you mean?" " I mean, that if" "What he means is that he's jealous that you've taken his place as my new best friend!" "But grow up, Kyle!" "Change is a part of life." "Yeah, grow up, Kyle." "So what do you wanna do first, Eric?" "You wanna play a game or just chitchat for a while?" "Well actually, Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon." " But, it's only 6:30." " Yeah, and I'm exhausted." "If you are not sleepy yet," "I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine you can drink." "You guys!" "I got it!" "It seriously!" "It's the greatest picture ever!" "Oh my God!" "What'd you do to Butters this time?" "It was genius!" "I waited till he was totally asleep, right?" "And then I got my camera and I pulled down his pants and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth!" "Dude!" "I know, I know, check it out, look." "I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see?" "Oh man, I got him good!" "Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in your mouth getting him?" "Because that makes Butters gay now!" "No, dude, that makes you gay!" "Eh... what?" "You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!" " Nuh-uh." " Yeah-huh!" "Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?" "That makes you very fucking gay." "But I'm not-- I'm not gay, you guys!" "You are now." " No, no, it was a stupid mistake!" " Doesn't matter." "You're gay now." "No, it was just for a second!" "What, what can I do?" "How how can I reverse this?" " You can't!" " No, wait." "I know how you can reverse it, Cartman." "How?" "The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth." "Really?" "Yeah." "Then it cancels out the gay polarity." "Shit, I gotta find Butters!" "Idiot." " Butters." " Hey, Eric." "Butters, guess what?" "I have a surprise for you." " A surprise?" "What is it?" " It's so fucking awesome." "You're gonna be so stoked." "It's the best surprise ever!" "Oh, boy!" " You ready?" " Yeah!" "Okay!" "Just open your mouth and close your eyes and get on your knees!" "Oh, okay!" " Hang on a second here." " How come uh, I can't see?" "Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?" "Oh, yeah." "All right, that's good." "Okay, open your mouth, Butters?" " That's good, just like that." " Hey!" "Hey, wait a minute." "This ain't a trick, is it?" "Why, you're not gonna, stick something yicky in my mouth, are ya?" "I swear on my mother's life, Butters." "I am not going to stick anything yicky in your mouth." "Okay!" "All right, you ready?" "All right just- Okay, open." "Okay, okay, here it comes." "Just sit very still, okay?" "Here we go." " Butters!" " Hey Dad!" " Butters!" "What are you doing?" "!" " I'm getting a surprise!" "Oh my God!" "My, my only son, reduced to this!" "Hey." "Where'd Eric go?" "Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?" " Like what?" " Don't lie to me, Butters!" "I know your secret now!" "No, wait, wait." "It's okay." "It's okay, Butters." "This isn't a serious problem." "You're just bi-curious." " What's bi-curious?" " You are." "Just harmless curiosity and it doesn't mean anything." "We just need to get you some help, Butters." "What's going on, you two?" "Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious." "Father Maxi, I just don't know where else to turn." "You see, I've just learned that my son is bi-curious." "Is that true, son?" "Are you feeling confused?" "Yeah, I'm pretty confused alright." "You see?" "Young man, these confused feelings that you're having are simply the Devil's way of trying to get ahold of you." " Really?" " What can I do, Father?" "There is a special camp where young men who are confused, like your son can go and be cleansed by the power of God." "Many bi-curious boys come out of the camp completely cured." "A secluded camp where lots of bicurious boys are all put together?" " That sounds like a good idea." " Whoa, boy!" "Camp!" "Very funny!" "I suppose you think you really got me!" "What are you talking about, fatass?" "I checked on the internet, Kyle." "And getting Butters to put my wiener in his mouth wouldn't make me not gay like you said!" " You figured that out, huh?" " That's right." "And I also learned from the Internet that just because I put Butters' wiener in my mouth doesn't mean I'm gay!" "All I have to do is throw away the picture, forget it ever happened and nobody will ever know." " Except for us." " Right, except for you." "And all the people we tell." " Why would you tell anybody?" " Because it's really, really funny." "It's not that funny." "There's lots, there's lots of things that are way funnier." " Like what?" " Like..." "A tampon in the school cafeteria, in somebody's lunch." "Like..." "A dog crap, on a guy's face!" " That isn't funny." " Yes, it is!" "Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off!" "You'd better not tell anybody!" "Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't." "Fine!" "Whatever!" "You guys don't have any proof I put Butters' wiener in my mouth!" "It will be your word against mine!" "And we all know that everyone trusts me way more than you guys!" "You guys, please don't tell anybody." "Okay." "We won't tell anybody as long as you are super-nice to us, every day, from now on." "Oh right, like that's possible!" "Alright, fine!" "You know what I'm gonna do, Kyle?" "!" "I'm gonna go home and photoshop the picture so that it is your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth here!" "And if any of you say anything to anybody," "I'll simply show them the picture of Kyle." "Everyone, say hello to our new camper, Butters." " Hi, Butters." "Hello." " Hi." "Hello, Butters." "Thank you so much for taking him in." "Don't worry." "Your son just needs to learn that he can be straight if he chooses to be." "Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters?" "Because I'm bi-curious?" "That's right." "Like all the campers here, you're confused and you don't think there's a way out." "But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ, you can be normal." "Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy." "Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy." "Ryan thought he could never change." "But now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life." "Over this way, we have the cafeteria." "All the meals are served there." "Bradley!" "How about you be Butters' accountabilibuddy?" "Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand that he may lift you up." "Peter 5:6" "Butters here is new to the camp." "He's chosen to rid himself of his affliction and forge a personal relationship with Jesus Christ." "I'm bi-curious." "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, that is detestible." "Leviticus 18:22." "That's right, Bradley." "I think we're well on our way to being healed." " We've got another one, room 22." " Oh, darn it!" " Aw man, I've got H O R S now." " Okay, my turn." "Where is it, you filthy Jew?" " Where's what?" " You know goddamn well what!" "Let go of me." "What the hell are you doing, Cartman?" "!" "I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle but it was gone!" "What did you do with my picture?" "!" "Knock it off!" "I don't have your stupid picture!" " Give it back, Kyle!" " I don't have it!" "I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now" "I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here!" " Shut up!" " You shut up!" "You're lying and you two are covering up for him!" "You know what?" "You're just like Jews yourselves!" "Stan, you're a Jew and Kenny, you're a Jew!" "You're all Jews!" "The Lord is love this for" "With Jesus, I can just say no, and not be confused anymore." "We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips." "For those of you who are new to camp," "Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free of the bonds that afflict you." "He's bi-curious too?" "Not anymore." "Because Pastor Phillips prayed and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured!" "Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids!" "Hello, campers!" "Yes, believe it or not, I myself used to have unclean urges and like a lot of you," "I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice." "But then I realized that God didn't want me to be that way!" "God wanted me to be a man!" "So I buckled up in my little suit and I prayed to be normal and guess what?" "It worked!" "That's right, kids." "You see, right now, you're like a paper clip." "And just like a paper clip," "God needs to bend you and shape you and make you straight." "So you say you were robbed." "Yes." "A photograph." "And I know who took it!" "His name is Kyle Broflovski!" "If it's a photo, what's the big deal?" "Why don't you just print out another one?" "It's a big deal, okay?" "!" "That picture is my property and I want it back!" "Okay, what is the picture of?" "Why does that matter?" "Well how are we gonna find your picture unless we know what it is?" " All right." "It's a picture of me." " Yes?" "It's a picture of me... and what appears to be a penis... in my mouth." " You were sucking somebody's penis." " No, no, I was not!" "I was asleep and this person just puts a penis in my mouth without me knowing!" "And--and took the picture!" " I see." " Yes." "Now it may appear in the picture that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling with the penis in my mouth and giving a thumbs up." "But I assure you, I was fast asleep!" "Well, we'd have to get a warrant first, approved by a grand jury." "I don't have time for that!" "We have school tomorrow!" "And I know that Kyle is gonna show the picture to everybody during Show and Tell!" "Well then, you're screwed." "You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in hell?" "Well sure, I guess." "Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls." "And you do know the rule which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye?" "Well yeah, sure." "So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean." "Corinthians, chapter 7." "Then do you mind telling us why we found this, 1979 Sears mens underwear catalog in your room?" "That's mine." "You know this is strictly forbidden!" "Ah, I don't understand." "What's wrong with underwear?" "What's wrong?" "!" "This is what makes you confused!" "Don't you get it?" "!" "This is confusing you right now, isn't it?" "!" "Yes, it's all very confusing!" "This is just as much your fault, Butters!" "Bradley is your accountabilibuddy!" "That makes you accountabilibuddyable." "Both of you boys' behavior has jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids!" "Right." "For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days!" "That son of a bitch." "He's gonna show everyone that picture." "Only twelve hours from now." "That's it." "I don't have a choice." "I'm gonna have to bring Mom in on this one!" "I'm going to have to tell her the truth." "Eric?" "What's the, what's the matter?" "I don't wanna go to school tomorrow." "Sweetie, shh!" "Tell Mommy what happened." "Kyle has a picture of me and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell." "And everyone's gonna laugh at me." "Oh, now why would he do that?" "Because he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him." "So, he's gonna show everyone the picture." "What is the picture of, Eric?" "Last time, when Butters spent the night, I was being really nice to him and I was gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have." "Oh, that's nice." "But then, right when I took the picture," "Butters got really hot so he pulled his pajama bottoms down and then I tripped and fell down and my mouth landed right on his penis and then I thought of something funny so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up" "and then Kyle took the picture from me and he's gonna show it to everybody and make them think I'm gay." "Oh, there there, sweetie." "It'll be okay." "These things happen." "But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to me." "It's okay, Eric." "I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother." "You will?" "But that he loved us and sent his only son to be the satisfaction of our sins." "Neato!" "Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble." "Aw, that's okay, Bradley." "I really want to get better." "I try to do everything the counselors say, but somehow, I still feel confused." "Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writing all these verses we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!" "You're really terrific, Butters." "I mean, I think you're great." "Oh God!" "Bad thought!" "Bad thought!" " What's the matter?" " I think, I think I like you." " Well I like you too, Bradley." " You do?" " Well, yeah!" " You like like me?" "Sure, I like like you a lot a lot." "Oh God, we're both unfixable!" "Don't you see we're lost causes?" "!" "We're just evil and nothing can change us!" "There's no other way out, Butters!" "We have to kill ourselves!" "No!" "Bradley!" "You can't leave, you're my accountabilibuddy!" "Hello?" "Hello, Sheila?" "It's Liane, Eric's mother." "Oh, hello, Mrs. Cartman." "Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this but apparently, your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth." "Excuse me?" "Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine." "It is?" "Really?" "Oh, Mommy, thank you!" "Thank you!" "You have nothing to worry about in school tomorrow." "Mrs. Broflovski assured me that Kyle doesn't have the picture." "What?" "She talked with her son and says he doesn't have it." " Mom, she's lying!" " She said she was sure, Eric." "Mom, you don't know anything about Jews!" "They lie all the time!" "Well, Eric, there's nothing more I can do about it." "Then that's it." "Kyle wins." "But he won't win completely!" "I'm going to print out another copy of that picture and show it to the class myself!" "I can at least rob Kyle of his final laugh." "Do you mind telling me how you managed to lose your accountabilibuddy?" "!" "I went looking for him, but he runs real fast." "You don't seem to take this camp seriously, Butters." " I've called your father in for a talk." " Oh no, my dad?" "Do you understand the concept of hell?" "Do you realize that if we don't fix you, you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity?" "Well yeah, but I just don't quite understand what you're fixing." " We're fixing your confusion!" " There you are, Butters!" " Oh hey, Dad." " What's he done now?" "!" "Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate, unwilling to change and worse yet, he's lost his accountabilibuddy!" "They found him!" "They found Bradley!" "You'd better come quick!" "Oh Lord in Heaven!" "Don't jump, Bradley!" "Stay back!" "I'm an abomination of God!" "No, no." "We're fixing you!" "Guess you think today is your big day, huh Kyle?" "To embarrass me in front of everyone?" "Well guess what?" "I'm not giving you the satisfaction!" "Okay students, let's all take our seats." "Since it is Monday, we'll start as always with Show And Tell." "Who'd like to go first?" "Ow!" "Quit it, dude!" "Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down." "You can go first." "For Show And Tell today, I would like to share with you some very special, very artsy photographs I've taken in pursuit of being a respected photographer." "This first picture I like to call "Moods of Winter."" "A simple aspen grove shot in high-contrast black and white shows the brittleness of the trunks and reminds one of death." "This picture I took just as the sun was rising and this lonely man was walking to work." "A statement about all of our loneliness, perhaps?" "He isn't going to actually show everyone." "And now this next picture..." "Don't jump, Bradley!" "You will only make God angrier with you!" "It's too late." "Bradley, please." "You're my accountabilibuddy." "How will this make me look?" "You get back." "You're only gonna make things worse." "I'm not normal." "I'll never be normal!" "You're perfectly normal, Bradley." "Get back!" "You're just as confused as he is!" "All right." "All right that does it!" "I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused!" "I wasn't confused until other people started telling me I was!" "You know what I think?" "I think maybe you are the ones who are confused!" "Yeah." "I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be!" "My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O and I'm bi-curious!" "And even that's okay!" "Because if I'm bi-curious and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself!" "I think." "I think I'd like to come down now." "He's coming down!" "We did it!" "Through the power of Christ we have saved this child!" "Well Butters, I guess we might as well go home." " Looks like you're never gonna change." " No." "I like being bi-curious." "Well you know something?" "So do I." "Wait." "Now I am confused." "And this photograph, I took of a sunset near the power plant." "Note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth." "Which brings us to my last picture." "This picture you may find somewhat controversial." "Dude." "Yes." "This is shot at a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter." "You can see the grain from the high-speed film..." "There's sort of a penis in my mouth right here... and the low depth of field keeps the background soft." "Eric, what the hell is this?" "!" "What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq." "It's wrong that we still have our troops there." "It's wrong!" " And what I think that" " Eric Cartman?" "We got an emergency message from your mother?" "Do not show picture." "Kyle didn't have it after all." "Found it under your desk." "She said you'd know what that means, m'kay?" "Lame."