"Previously on Nip / Tuck:" "I'd never heard of a life coach before you walked in." "It's a growing alternative." "A good one, I think." "Sean, this has been going on since that whole Henry thing." "I think Matt needs to talk to someone." "Maybe Ava." "Tell me that a new son is going to replace the one that I lost." "I feel dead inside." "You already have a son, Christian." "With me." "Matt." "Hey." " You okay?" " Yeah." "Allergies." "But you don't have allergies." "I know, but friends usually take that as a cue to leave you alone." "I'm sorry." "I'm just a little sensitive." "I've been taking these hormones." "You going through menopause?" "No, Sean." "As a matter of fact, I'm trying to get pregnant." "I had no idea." "Of course, the folks down at the South Dade Fertility Center think..." "I should come back after I've considered the thousand and one potential risks... of a middle-aged pregnancy." "I've got plenty of eggs." "They just won't let me fertilize them." "Whoa, Medusa's going to breed." "Alert the eugenics police." "Hey, I'm all for it." "With today's medical advances... there's no reason our healthy seniors shouldn't be having babies." "Think of all the savings you could share." "Diapers, day-care... yummy jars of strained peas." "Asshole." "Look, she's in denial about her age and needs someone to help her see the truth." "Glass houses, Christian." "It's easier to joke about other people's suffering... than admit you're hurting." "You really need to stop reading Julia's magazines." "Fine." "Keep the pain and frustration inside... until it eats a hole in your gut and you're stuck with a bleeding ulcer." "It's not going to bring back your son." "No fair." "They let him get pregnant." "Okay, kids, let's suck the fat out of Mr. Gross." "Actually, Mr. Gross has requested an otoplasty." "He's getting his ears pinned, and he didn't discuss the rest of him?" "The rest of him apparently didn't affect his negative self-image." "He's a heart attack waiting to happen." "These people who'd rather live in denial... and endanger their lives than face the truth about themselves... where the hell do we find them?" "Mrs. Broderick, tell me what you don't like about yourself." "My God." "What a question." "BOBBl:" "There's nothing I particularly dislike about myself." "Not that there's anything about me that's so wonderful." "Well, except for my boys." "I did bring up two incredible kids." "That's nice." "What I meant was..." "BOBBl:" "Do you have children, Dr. McNamara?" "Yes." "Two." "Enjoy them while you can." "Before you know it, they'll be... marrying some East Indian... and sending you a "Happy Janmashtami" card once a year." "Mrs. Broderick..." "And at least now I can get out of the house... and back into the working world... and do something." "I mean, not that being a mother isn't something." "It's just that, you know, when someone asks me what I do... and I tell them I'm a wife and a mother... the lights in their eyes just go out." "BOBBl:" "Anyway, a friend of my daughter-in-law's... who is the head of personnel, you know, at Saks..." "She told me about an opening in sales... and if there's one thing I know, it's clothes." "I've been wearing them all my life." "Unfortunately, I'll be competing with girls... my sons' ages... who haven't had two Caesareans." "Well, that's why I'm here." "My tummy." "Mrs. Broderick, I think you look great for your age." "They're not hiring "great for my age. "" "I can't look like some housewife who's trying to fill up her day." "The only way I'm going to get this job is if those clothes look as good on me... as they do on those young ladies I'll be up against." "There are certain guidelines you'll have to follow." "No nicotine use, avoid excessive tanning, keep exercising, that sort of thing." "You'll have to be a weight you can maintain." "I'll maintain it if it means cutting off my leg." "Here's the consent form." "It explains the potential risks involved with this procedure." "Take it home, read it." "If you have any questions..." "I'll just sign it." "I can freak out pretty easily." "Once I read the side of an aspirin bottle, and I was convinced... that my headache was bleeding in the brain." "Endorphins are nature's antidepressants, and they work... whether or not you're getting a runner's high." "Which I'm guessing you're not." "Goddamn, that really hurts." "It's a side cramp." "Your muscles aren't used to releasing lactic acid." "Here." "Make sure you breathe out fully." "Small breaths in, deep breaths out." "Oh, God, I'm so sorry." "No, don't apologize." "Release is good." " Want to talk about it?" " No." "I'm afraid this is one of those situations that's better in than out." "How's the runner's cramp?" "Gone." "We don't have to suffer as much as we think we do." "When I was in college, about 17 years ago..." "I did something I shouldn't have done... and I never told anyone up until recently." "I opened a Pandora's box." "I just couldn't take it." "The not knowing." "Not knowing what?" "I shouldn't have brought it up." "Come on." "You know what was left in Pandora's box once the evil escaped?" "Hope." "Listen, I was wondering." "Do you think you could give the coaching thing another try?" " I was hoping you'd ask." " For Matt, I mean." "His grades have dropped, he doesn't study anymore." "All right." "Tell him to call me for an appointment." "Or better yet." "He's a teenager." "I'll call him." "Thanks." "Let's see." "War, famine, disaster." "Second panda born in captivity." "Remember a few years ago when that boy fell through the guard-rail... at the Miami Metro Zoo and hit his head?" "And the female gorilla scooped him up and rocked him until medical help arrived?" "Mocking my efforts to get pregnant is one thing... but comparing me to Koko, the gorilla?" "Relax." "You're just the sister I never got to torture." "We're not family, Christian." "We're not even the same subspecies." "Neither were Koko and that little boy, but look at them." "You don't have to give birth to a child in order to love it." "Look." "I understand how you must be feeling... after losing Wilber." "But this is different." "I've always wanted to feel life grow inside me." "Then why did you wait until it became a risk for both of you?" "My father hadn't died yet." "When he found out I was gay, he told my mother:" ""At least there won't be any kids. "" "I'm surprised you didn't get knocked up right away just to show him." "That's why I waited." "I didn't want to have this baby out of spite." "This baby and I... we're going to be a family." "We're going to love each other no matter what." "Look, that clinic?" "If they give you any more trouble..." "I mean, if you're looking for an alternate source..." "Hey, I got way more than I'll ever be able to use." "I'm confused." "We maybe... have one civil interaction every other leap year." "And now you're offering me your sperm?" "It's you or the toilet." "Okay, this conversation should have ended at Koko." "Seriously." "It's a great feeling." "Being a parent." "I wouldn't want you to miss out on that." "I have to think about it." "We're talking turkey baster, right?" "Well, I'm sure in hell not sleeping with you." "Am I interrupting something?" "Yes." "I'm about have an aneurysm." "Christian is offering me his sperm." " To courage." " Why to courage?" "Because it took a lion's courage for you to ring my doorbell." "Yeah." "But the lion was my mother." "This is a nice place." "I don't think my mother would approve of me drinking during therapy." " Do you?" " It isn't therapy." "And your mother isn't here." "I should go." "But this is your moment to become a man, Matt." "You're so close." "It'd be a shame to blow it." "I'm sorry?" "A man is someone who isn't afraid to stand naked in his truth." "Don't be afraid of what you came over here to tell me." "I didn't come over here to tell you anything." "I don't even know you." "Okay, then let's do a trust exercise." "You ask me to do something that could hurt me if I didn't trust you." "Then you know you can trust me." "Sit." "Say what you're feeling." "Okay." "You want me to stand naked in my truth?" "You get naked, and I'll get naked." "Now we have to make it dangerous." "Take a picture." "It'll be your proof." "You could show it to anyone, but I trust you not to." "Now all we have to do is wait." "It's a trust game, Matt." "Not a sex game." "I trusted you." "Now you trust me." "It's okay, Matt." "Let it out." "Me and my friend Henry got high." "We were driving stoned." "And we hit her." "We hit a girl, and we left her." "I didn't want a fancy new stove, but he insisted." "For our 25th wedding anniversary." "And the stove was defective?" "When I went to light it, it just erupted." "It took off my hair, my eyelashes." "I had third-degree burns." "And my lips were just burned to a crisp." "After they cooled off, doctors had to peel them off like..." "Fruit Roll-Ups." "Sounds very painful." "Yeah, it wasn't pleasant, I can tell you that." "Mrs. Caldarello, we've had tremendous success in lip reconstruction... using the patient's labial folds as donor sites." "Labial?" "That means lips, right?" "That's right." "Your other lips." "You've got two pair." "Oh, my God." "Are you out of your mind?" "I'm not putting those on my face." "They're only skin, dermis." "From my loaca?" "Forget it." " There's really no other option." " What about when my husband kisses me?" "Don't worry, he won't be able to tell where it's from because of texture or fragrance." "If he finds out, he'll never kiss me again." " You mean he doesn't like..." " He's never tried it." "He's old school." "Sicilian." "Men like him think it's a weakness... to satisfy a woman in that way." "Mrs. Caldarello, if your husband wants sexual relations at the end of a long day... do you ever say no?" "Of course not." "I want to make him happy." "What about your happiness?" "The secret joy of knowing... that it's the first time those lips will have ever been kissed?" "After she talked it over honestly with her husband, of course." "Do it." "Put my pussy on my lips." "What he doesn't know, he doesn't know." "Then, if he asks... you got it from my breasts." "Those, he can't get enough of." "Matt, I only see people by appointment, like a doctor." "Come on." "I mean it." "This is a professional relationship." "So is this what you do?" "You get people to open up and spill their guts so you can stomp all over them?" "Look, we need to establish some boundaries." "What, I'm supposed to believe that you get naked with all your clients?" "That this was just some stupid trust exercise?" "Look." "I made a commitment to your mother to help you." "I don't take my commitments lightly, Matt." "Look me in the eyes and tell me you're not attracted to me." "I am attracted to you." "But your mother hired me as your life coach, not your geisha." "Do you have any idea what it's like... going around all day with a constant hard-on?" "You want some relief?" "Give me an A in French." "You're offering me sex for grades?" "Just trying to help you get your life back on track." "Come on, there's no way I can go from a C to an A." "Then there's no way I can relieve your suffering." "It's amazing what a little incentive can do." "Au revoir." "I can't believe we're sucking a teabag of fat... out of a woman who's as skinny as a Twizzler." "We're sculpting localized fat deposits that can't be controlled by diet and exercise." "As Mrs. Broderick attained her ideal weight... she's a perfect candidate for the procedure." "I think she's even thinner than when she came in for her consult." "I was thinking about accepting Christian's sperm." "Come on, Liz." "That's your desperation talking." "Damn straight." "I can't listen to another lab technician tell me... my child's going to look like some Diane Arbus photo." "There's enough conflict in this office without adding domestic warfare to it." "Women pay top dollar for medical students' sperm." "I've got grade-A doctor DNA for free." "When it involves Christian, it's never a bargain." "Who took Alegra Caldarello off the schedule?" "I moved a rhinoplasty to get her in." "I wanted to sit on it." "Sit on it?" "The woman has no lips." "I'm uncomfortable about lying to her husband." "It would be like me lying to Julia, or lying to you." "He's not your patient." "She is." "We're simply protecting her privacy." "Protecting her privacy or keeping her secrets?" "You're such a goddamn moralist." "We lie, Sean." "We keep secrets in order to protect the people that we love." "Husbands, wives, children, friends." "Even strangers." "Shit." "If Anne Frank had been hiding in your attic... she wouldn't have got past the words "Dear Diary. "" "I'm putting pussy lips back on the schedule." "You wanna tell us what the hell you're doing?" "Thanks for coming." "Don't worry, this won't happen again." "It better not." "Next time, he'll be charged as an adult." "Holy shit." "That was like being abducted by aliens." "You keep that up and you'll find out what it's like to be anally probed... by some lifer who wants to make you his bitch!" "Come on, what are they gonna do, arrest every kid who jacks off?" "Your mommy didn't just catch you in the bathroom, Matt." "You were beating off in public." "Once you are branded a sex offender, it stays with you." "I'm screwing up my future." "I got it." "But it wasn't all my fault." "Oh, right." "Like someone made you whack off?" "You haven't seen her." "She is unbelievably hot." "You're going to jail for some hot piece of teenage ass?" "She's not a teenage piece of ass." "She's your age, okay?" "She's the life coach Mom hired to get my grades up." "Your grades, asshole, not your dick!" "You stay away from her!" "Oh, yeah, right, like you don't think older women are hot?" "Isn't that why you slept with my grandmother?" "Man, I don't even recognize you." "Where's the guy who got me drunk when I was 13?" "Where's the guy who took me to that strip club?" "Where's the guy who bought me my first rubber?" "Who the hell are you?" "You're never to see her again." "Do you understand me?" "Here's a little update for you, Christian." "I already have a father." "And I don't need another one." "I just think it's lovely you're such an integral part of his life." "Growing up's so complicated now." "We could all use a protective eye." "Thanks." "And I'm his godfather." "His godfather?" "Really?" "I went to college with his parents." "We're all pretty close." "And I'm in business with his father." "Troy-McNamara." " So that was what, 20 years ago?" " Seventeen." "Well, he's very lucky that you're watching out over him." "Dr. Troy, you do understand... that my work with Matt is strictly confidential." " If there's anything in particular..." " He's in love with you." "I encourage transference." "It's instrumental in bringing about change." "He was caught masturbating outside your window." "Is that part of transference, too?" "He's young, and very sweet." "You think what he's doing is sweet?" "Look, you're a bright, beautiful woman." "You have a certain allure to a kid who's still at an impressionable age." "You may be underestimating your effect on him." " He's immature." "I'll talk to him." " Good." "And if there's anyone else you could recommend for him to see..." "Why would I do that?" "You won't work with him after what I told you?" "Dr. Troy, I'm trying to rid him of his shame... encourage him to get in touch with his feelings... including his sexual impulses." "His attraction to me is normal, as mine is to him." "And mutually advantageous." "He makes me feel 10 years younger." "You wanna feel younger, try BOTOX, not a 17-year-old kid." "I had no idea you were so puritanical." "I'm a goddamn Pilgrim." "Have you slept with him?" "I told you, that's confidential." "You'll have to find some other fantasy to help you get it up." "I'll have you arrested for statutory rape." "He's 17." "In Florida, that's a consenting adult." "You sure know your rape law." "As someone who, according to Matt, has had their share of teenage girls... you're stupid if you don't." "I'm sure Julia will be very interested to hear what parts of life... you're coaching her son in." "And I'm sure Sean will be very interested to know who Matt's real father is." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Don't you?" " Julia would never..." " She didn't need to." "The resemblance is quite obvious." "Of course, we rarely believe what we see when we don't wanna see it." "It's still very early." "You should call the office... if you notice any additional drainage from the incision site." "But other than that, we're right on course." "Wow." "This would not make a very good "after" picture." "BOBBl:" "Looks like I've been in a car accident or something." "The bruising will go away in a couple of weeks." "Minor puckering at the incision is not uncommon." "There were no pictures like this in the brochures you gave me." "If it's still there in a few weeks... we'll take care of it using a local in the office." "You didn't say anything about a second surgery." "If it's still there, which I'm sure it won't be." "What happened to "liposuction is the most common procedure"?" "It's not unusual for patients to come in for a touch-up." "It's not like those TV shows where everything's perfect after surgery." " No bruising, no need for a period of..." " No, you should have warned me." "You know, I have a job interview in 10 days." "I can't afford to go through this again." "Give it time." "Everyone heals at their own..." "Time is what I don't have, Doctor." "I thought you understood that." "This is it." "This is my shot." "God, look at me." "How many more chances do you think I'm gonna get?" "There's no winner." "You're gonna give yourself a heart tack." "Promise?" "I hate this place." "Come on, we're lucky." "State of the art, five minutes from the office." "Look around." "It's like Planet of the Botched Boob Jobs." "Maybe we should set up a kiosk." "Listen, why don't you come over after this?" "Break bread with the family." "We all miss you, especially the kids." "Thanks, but I'm not up for family night." "What I need is an evening of synchronized screwing." "So you can numb your pain for a couple of hours?" "Maybe instead of a child, you need a relationship." "Not everyone is lucky to find a woman... who can get them hard physically and mentally, Sean." "I want someone whose company I can stand... once her mouth is free of obstruction." "Guess what I found." "I'm not sure I want to know." "Your ideal woman." "In there?" "She must be awfully tiny." "I want you to meet her." "She's beauty and brains in one package." "Forget it." "I'm not interested." "Too late." "She's actually here." "Christian Troy, Ava Moore." "Nice to meet you, Christian." "Well, I should go." "I have a patient." " By the way, I'm thrilled about Matt." " What about him?" "He got an A on his French midterm." "Before seeing Ava he was getting Cs." "She's an incredible motivator." "What the hell are you doing here?" "Just wanted to see the expression on your face when you saw me." "Definitely worth the trip." "Look..." "We're not that different, you and I." " And I think we owe Matt a chance." " To do what?" "To become an adult without us screwing him up." "He's a good kid." "He deserves better." "How about I make a deal with you?" " I'm listening." " Have me instead." "You won't be disappointed." "Age has its advantages." "But with youth, you get to touch the future." "As a teacher, that's the best part of my job." "Get out of my office." "You have to shoot me first." "With BOTOX." "I have a hot date with a young man." "So I'm taking your advice." "You trust me with a needle full of poison aimed at your forehead?" "With the information I've got on you... now is not the time or place to deny me anything." "Two cc's is what's usually recommended." "However, it does vary from person to person." "And it has been known to interfere... with the patient's ability to eat, blink and speak." "But I'm sure you'll be fine." "Don't worry about Sean." "I'll tell him we lacked chemistry." "I'll say you were arrogant, banal... and in my opinion, simply not ready for a mature relationship." "Good." "The incisions are healing nicely." "No signs of infection." "They look so pink and smooth." "Like before they got all wrinkly from smoking cigarettes." "It's hard to believe you can take skin from down there and put it on her face." "I'm delighted you told him, Mrs. Caldarello." "Well, of course." "I wanted him to know when he kissed me... he'd be kissing the skin from behind my knee." "He always used to tickle me there." "The first time I saw The Pieta... you could feel the smoothness of the Madonna's lips." "That's how I feel when I look at my Madonna." "When can I kiss her?" "She keeps saying to ask you." "All of a sudden he's in such a hurry." "They just look so pink!" "That's really up to your wife." "Whenever she feels comfortable." "So soft and smooth." "Even better than before." "I had lunch with a couple of my gay friends, Mark and his partner Jeff." "We've been friends for years, so..." "I figured I'd ask them about becoming sperm donors." "Makes sense." " I'm not insulted." " They turned me down." "Apparently they'd feel more comfortable with a younger lesbian." "Age doesn't necessarily ensure a healthy child." "That's what I told them." "Then they quoted me statistics and stuck me with the bill." "Funny how you turn out to be the guy who shows up when you need him." "So..." "I'd like to accept your offer, if it's still good." "Good while supplies last." "There was just nothing more I could do." "Honey, I don't recall us inviting Christian to join us." "You're right." "I'm like a pathological rescuer." " Besides, if Ava can't get through to him..." " He met Ava?" "I invited her to the office." "I thought they'd hit it off." "You fixed him up at work?" "What happened?" "Not much." "Apparently they lacked chemistry." "BOBBl:" "Dr. McNamara!" "Who's that?" "A patient." "Bobbi, what are you doing here?" "I followed you." "You and your lovely wife." "I don't mean to ruin your night out, but I wanted to thank you publicly." "For this." "BOBBl:" "Isn't it fabulous, ladies?" "Liposuction by Dr. Sean McNamara." "Of McNamara/Troy." "Call any time for an appointment." "But don't forget to read the fine print... because he sure as hell won't tell you about it." "This has nothing to do with me." "Obviously, you've had a sudden weight..." "Don't you dare try to twist this around like it's my fault." "You never bothered to explain the risks to me!" "BOBBl:" "You didn't want to waste the time, I wasn't important to you." " Excuse me, ma'am, I'm gonna have to..." " I'll go when he apologizes." " This man ruined my career." " Career?" "You had a job interview." "You never took me seriously, did you?" "I was just a middle-aged nothing." "There was nothing wrong with that liposuction." "You wanna come to my office, talk..." "No, Dr. McNamara, you come to my lawyer's office and you talk to him." "And you can take your goddamn condescending AMA voice... and shove it up your pinched little ass!" "To your continued success." "I'm very proud of you." "Maybe we should just skip the rest of dinner... and go right to the reward." "I haven't finished yet." "And you haven't touched your vegetables." "Well, this is bullshit." "All that crap about keeping your commitments." "Well, I kept mine." "You have absolutely no intention of keeping yours." "God damn it!" "You really need to learn to trust more." "I need to dash." "Early client." "Don't be late for school." "Hey, how's it going?" "Can you pass the milk?" "Who are you?" "Adrian." "Ava's son." "English" " SDH"