"Sunday afternoons in Camden County are always kind of depressing." "In the morning, Randy starts reading the comics, but by mid-afternoon, he finishes and starts to get bored." "Also, by Sunday, the Crab Shack runs out of their food supply for the week." "Just so you know, we're all out of seafood and meat." "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich." "We're out of bread and cheese, too." "Basically, we've got pickled eggs and a basket of those little jellies." "Do you need more time ?" "Plus, the pool cues were broken from the Saturday night fights, pinball machines shorted out from being spewed on, and the vending machines were empty, too." "You're out of menthols !" "And mothers who'd left their kids with grandmas on Saturday night were dreading picking them up." "I know I said 3 :00, Mom, but I'm stuck in traffic." "Oh, my God, some guy just cut me off." "Pick a lane !" "Hang up and drive, bitch." "Got to go." "I'll be there at 5 :00, Mom." "Nice acting, Jim, you still got it." "And since the kegs were empty and only serving foam, people sobered up and were forced to take a hard look at their lives." "I should have joined the navy while I was young and attractive." "Why didn't I move out of the way when she threw that bowling ball ?" "What have I done with my life ?" "I've got a master's degree." "Yep, Sundays were rough." "But every once in a while, about every five months or so, something would happen that would change everything." "Oh, my God." "It's coming on !" "It's coming on right now !" "Randy was talking about a rerun of a TV show from 2003." "A few years back, a TV show came to film in Camden County, and we were lucky enough to be on it." "* Bad Boys, bad boys,* *what ya gonna do ?" "*" "* What you gonna do* *when they come for you *" "All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law." "We're on our way to Pimmet Hills Trailer Park." "We go there a lot." "This is a domestic disturbance." "It's usually the Hickeys." "Fine !" "If you'd rather hang out with your big, idiot brother instead of me, go ahead." "I hope you enjoy licking the massage jelly off of his thighs." "That's the peach flavor !" "Come on, baby, me and Randy got things to do." "Oh, come on, who called the cops ?" "I wish you nosy bastards would learn to mind your own business." "Ow !" "That's peppermint." "I hope you found it refreshing." "Ma'am, would you like me to call a domestic counselor for you ?" "Hey, they got cameras." "Are we on Cops ?" "I love that show." "* Bad boys, bad boys,* *who you gonna call ?" "*" "What seems to be the cause of the argument, miss ?" "I spent $46 on romantic novelties, and my husband wants to go out stealing with his brother !" "Uh, she-she doesn't mean stealing stealing." "Uh, she's from Canada, a-and stealing means working and obeying the law." "Eh ?" "Hey, I've never been on TV before." "You guys aren't doing that blurry thing on my face, are ya ?" "What's in the box ?" "Uh... collectables." "Garage door openers ?" "You wouldn't know anything about a rash of garage robberies lately ?" "* Huh !" "* Hey !" "Hey !" "Stop right there !" " Stop right there !" " Later, pig !" "* Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do ?" "*" "* Whatcha gonna do when they come for you ?" "*" "Stuart Daniels, Camden County police officer." "Four-year veteran of the force." "Social Security number, 5-5-3... 2." "All units, all units, be on the look-out for a white male..." "It's a good job, uh, good pension." "Don't really like getting shot at, but, uh..." "I do get dental." "See that ?" "See this ?" "Porcelain veneers." "Officer !" "Officer !" "Oh, my God, did someone just do that to you ?" "Are they still around ?" "No, Officer, it's not my leg." "It's the jackass who won't get off his front lawn !" "Roger that." "You're going to jail, Donny !" "Sir, you're gonna have to put some clothes on." "I'm a free American." "My (bleep) granddaddy fought for my (bleep) right to be (bleep) naked on my (bleep) lawn." "Sir, I don't know what war you're referring to, but you're gonna have to get some clothes on." "Stay away, sir." "This is police business." "What's in the box ?" "Uh, nothing, just some rocks, see ?" "Uh... that's weird." "Hey, Officer, how's this ?" "I got on my snake pants." "Do a spin for me." "Okay ?" "Eh, good enough." "That's what I thought." "Thank the good Lord, you're here !" "You can't hear yourself think, it's so loud." "Now I was gonna..." "Oh." "Oh, my goodness, there's cameras ?" "Hold on." "Come with me." "Now, you can hear it on the other side of the apartment." "We just moved to town, and I haven't gotten a good night's sleep yet." "Ma'am, whose bedroom is this ?" "Oh, that's my grandson's." "He's wonderful with plants." "Different people page him all day long just to come and see them." "It's all right, peanut." "I just called them over here about that music." "Go on with your gardening, baby." "Hey !" "Hey !" "Stop right there !" "Drop your weapon, Vali." "You steal my batteries." "No steal, steal." "Oh, sweet, it's Cops again." "* Bad boys, bad boys, what's it gonna be ?" "*" "What the hell is going on here ?" "There's a big misunderstanding, Officer." "Uh, uh, these batteries are "buy one, get one free."" "We're not stealing." "We're just taking the free ones out to the car, and coming back to buy the "buy ones," I swear." "It's not what you think." "Randy, let's get out of here !" "Hey, wait !" "Ow !" "Ow !" "Did you get that ?" "6-0-1-3-0 on tag two." "I'm heading back to Pimmet Hills." "Something about these trailer park people, when they get agitated, they like to climb up on things." "Roofs, trees, water towers." "A lot of them fall off." "Ma'am ?" "Ma'am ?" "I need you to come down from there." "I'll come down when I'm done busting up my husband's stuff or when I have to pee." "Meanwhile, head's up." "Folks, folks, please don't encourage her." "This is a dangerous situation." "She might fall." "Fall !" "Fall !" "Fall !" "Fall..." "Hey, everybody, take a step back." "I'm getting ready to throw this bowling ball down on that Def Leppard wall mirror, and a piece might shatter off and hit you in the face." "Oh, snap." "This always happens a few hours after the bars open." "The drunk drivers come out." "Well..." "Does that say "Star Power" ?" "Oh, you know who that is ?" "Yeah, see, Camden has a celebrity living in its midst." "It's the actor from "Son of the Beach"," "TV's Tim Stack." "Mr. Stack." "Good to see you again." "Good evening, my good man." "You know who I am ?" "Of course I do, Mr. Stack." "I'm TV's Tim Stack from movies and basic cable television." "62 items on my IMDB page." "62." "But they screwed me." "They counted my Quincy two-parter as one thing." " Hey, can I shoot something with your gun ?" " Uh, you know what ?" "Mr. Stack, have you been drinking ?" "Mr. Stack ?" "No." "Okay." "That's good enough for me." "You have a safe drive home." "He was on Punky Brewster, so he's a hero to me." "I gave him a little leeway." "Besides, you know, it's a straight shot home once he passes the school." "You stuck again, Patty ?" "No." "I'm just trying to get my hand cold for a client who's into dead people." "Get out of my face !" "No, you get out of my face !" "Okay, okay, what is the problem ?" "He tricked me into eating pork !" "It's against my religion." "Camera." " It's not funny." " Ha, ha, ha, ha !" "Stop, you fool !" "I-I can't hear you without the thing." "I heard you guys were in town filming." "It's not the first time I've been on TV." "I had a client that took me to a wrestling match." "We sat on the fifth row." "They put me on TV when I got hit by a chair." "I'm rolling up on an 11-83." "Can you repeat the last transmission ?" "Sir, you okay ?" "And hello to you, too." "I'd like a double cheeseburger, please." "Hola, baby." "You looking for a fiesta ?" "I still got one free hand." "No, gracias." "We're moving quick here." "I think it's a robbery in progress, and it's in a garage, so it might be our friend from the trailer park." "356, 240 occurred approximately 15 minutes ago." "Okay, freeze !" "Oh, no, uh, this..." "this isn't a robbery." "I'm just cleaning my garage, 'cause this is my home." "Man, I love stealing." "Oops." "Hey, can you chase me ?" "'Cause the chases always make it on Cops." "But don't chase me too hard, because I'm loaded down with this TV." "You, stop right there !" "Of course you probably can't run so fast carrying that camera, either." "Want to just put our stuff down and chase each other ?" "I was just cleaning my garage !" "I do it every six months." "Freeze, jerk !" "Hey, stop that car !" "Stop, that's my car !" "Hell, yeah !" "Who's got a cop car ?" "Biatch." "Freeze !" "Don't shoot !" "I'm in here !" "Don't shoot !" "Oh, sorry about that, man." "I didn't see you back there." "You're not going to kill me, are you ?" "I wasn't planning on it." "But then again, I wasn't planning on stealing a cop car today, either." "I tell you what !" "you just keep filming and we'll see where it goes." "Man, I feel alive !" "Whoo !" "Yeah !" "Yeah !" "I'm so (bleep)." "Me and my wife we're having a domestic squabble." "I guess she's got the right to be mad." "I screw up a lot." "But one day I'm going to get my life together." "But not today,'cause today I'm driving a stolen cop car !" "How you doing back there, Kevin ?" "You scared ?" "A little." "That's good, I like that." "You got kids, Kevin ?" "Three." " They all the same color ?" " Yes." "Not mine." "You know what's wild ?" "The white one's a better athlete, and the black one's a little genius." "Sure taught me a lesson." "Damn it, more cops ?" "Y'all don't quit picking on me," "I swear I'm going to go Ruby Ridge." "Earl ?" "What the hell are you doing ?" "You said you wanted a date night, didn't you ?" "Well, your chariot awaits." "You stole me a police car ?" "Yep, and there's a hostage in the back, too." "If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids." "They're cute." "I love you so much, baby." "I am going to (bleep) your (bleep) with my sweet, sweet, sweet, love (bleeping)." "You had me at "balls."" "So you're taping all this ?" "Hey, when we get back, would you mind filming me and Earl, you know..." "I already asked him." "He's cool with it." "I told him none of that artsy moving the camera stuff." "He promised to keep tight on the business." "Sweet." "Hey, crank up the radio." "Find some Wu Tan Clan." "Since when do you like rap music ?" "I'm not cheating on you." "This is Kenny James's house." "Every other day we're out here for something, either us or the firemen." "He's had to be revived by the lifeguard, Steve, at the public pool, a bunch of times." "Talk about bad luck." "Kenny !" "Oh, hi, Stuart." "I made oatmeal raisin, your favorite." "Oh, a camera." "Yeah, we're on Cops." "So, you had another break in ?" "Uh..." "Oh, damn a broken window." "Man, Kenny, somebody's really got it in for you." "That's odd." "All the broken glass seems to be on the outside." "What happened to your hand ?" "Oh, uh, uh, that's from doing it with my girlfriend." "Yeah, we do it a lot." "She loves it." "Doing it, you know, heterosexual doing it." "Sorry to have taken your time." "You guys can, can just head on out." "All right, well, if this harassment keeps up," "I'll have to do a weekend stakeout." "I'll rent a movie." "Watch this." "Would the driver please step out of the vehicle ?" "Oh, crap, that's my ex-girlfriend." "She can't see me." "She thinks I'm dead." "Oh, hell, yeah, this is going to be fun." "Slut !" "Put your hands on the vehicle, and spread your legs." "I'm sure that's not going to be a problem for you." "I'm not a slut, I've only slept with one guy." "That was me." "I hit that." "Ma'am, your appearance appears to be drunken." "We're going to have to give you a field sobriety test." "I'm not drunk." "We'll see about that." "If you fail the sobriety test, we're going to shoot you in the face." " But, but I..." " Hop on one foot, in a straight line, while touching your fingers to your nose." "Okay, I was in that church for a wedding." "I had two sips of champagne." "I didn't want to, but it was such a beautiful toast." "Please don't shoot me in the face !" "Yes, waiting for EMT." "At this point I'm on foot patrol since my squad car got stolen." "I haven't called it in yet, you know, 'cause I was thinking that the perp might get cold feet and just show up any second." "Yeah, I think I'm going to have to call it in." "Headquarters." "This is Officer..." "Hey, hey, freeze !" "It's that guy from this morning !" "Marijuana man !" "Is there a problem, Officer ?" "We've located the suspects." "Why I came up here ?" "I was just so scared of going to jail, but I don't care about jail anymore." "I just don't want to fall." "I don't want to fall !" "It's going to hurt." "It's going to hurt." "It's going to hurt." "It's going to hurt." "We've got a call on an abandoned police car." "I'm going to go check it out." "God, I love kissing you in a stolen government vehicle, while someone films it." "I know." "This could become a habit." "Cops !" "Freeze !" "Police !" "Freeze !" "Okay, freeze, freeze !" "Oh, God !" "I skinned my pecker !" "Hands behind your back !" "I'm too scared to look." "Please tell me if it's bad." "Is it bad ?" "Oh, that's a lot of gravel." "Stop chasing me, Kevin." "Come on, man, be cool." "I'm not messing around, Kevin." "You made me do it, Kevin !" "Unit 12, unit 12, I need assistance." "I got a perp with a bloody, uh, weiner in the back of my car, and I got a camera man down." "Please don't take her." "It's going to hurt." "Firemen tried to get him down with a ladder, but he bit a couple guys." "So, plan B." "* Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do ?" "*" "* What ya gonna do...*" "Some people might not appreciate being shown on TV the way we were, but for folks like us, that didn't matter." "'Cause every time our Cops comes on we're treated like celebrities for the rest of the day." "We feel special." "And there's nothing like feeling a little special to brighten up a boring Sunday." "Even if it did remind me of a few things" "I needed to put on my list." "* Bad boys, what you get is what you see *" "* And that is just little old me *" "* Nobody can eat no steaks" "* Police don't eat no steaks" "* Even the soldier doesn't get no steaks... *"