"Excuse me. ls that your sweatshirt?" "Yeah, it's my Y sweatshirt." "Andy, that is my Yale sweatshirt." "I was saving it for the day I got into Yale." "Now it's ruined!" "lt might as well say, T, for Tulane." "Jeez." "Calm down, spazmeyer." "You can have it back." "That's mine too!" "Sorry." "All my clothes are dirty." "And you never seem to mind as long as I return them." "Return them?" "My clothes must have been marinating in your essence for weeks." "Okay, okay." "Here's a few bucks for laundry." "Oh, and don't forget your underpants." "Jim, do you have any trouser hangers?" "Trouser hangers?" "Sure." "They're right between my shoetrees and my collar-stays." "Thanks. I really apprecia" " Oh...." "Andy?" "Well, I guess that I should just put it back then." "Mom, Andy has a box that says, "Private." "Do not open."" "May I have permission to open it?" "Oh, my God!" "Andy has one of those private boxes!" "Oh, for Pete's sake, dear." "Let the boy have his private box." "Kevin, you go right ahead and open it." "But if there's a gun you flush it down the toilet and get out of there right away!" "What's that?" "Nothing!" "What?" "is it drugs?" "No. I found these in Andy's closet." "I think they're pornographic video tapes." "No way." "Andy's porno tapes would never fit into a box that small." ""Property of MTV." Cool. I always wondered where he hid these." "Why?" "What are they?" "Sit down, Kevin." "What I'm about to tell you may forever change the way you see your brother." "is it gay pornography?" "No." "But it's a funny story anyway." "It all started last year...." "Leave them all in Hawaii." "I'm through with them." "Careful with that aquarium." "MTV's paying you to move fish." "Not murder them!" "Hey, moving in?" "Oh, hi!" "Yeah." "We're gonna film a television show here." "Ever heard of, The Real World?" "Oh, yeah." "The show where you throw spoiled kids into a house and videotape them fighting?" "Loved the one where a guy pulled off a girl's towel, and they kicked him out." "Awesome." "Well, guess what guys." "The next season of, The Real World, is being shot right here in Mission Hill." "lt is a great neighborhood." "Yeah." "We like it because  it's funky without being freaky." "We pride ourselves digging up hip locations." "Then why'd you do a season in Miami?" "And this area is filled with colorful local hipsters, like you." "Ah, don't." "Wow, I cannot believe MTV is really filming in our neighborhood." "Say goodbye to the Mission Hill we know and love." "What are you talking about?" "MTV's okay." "No, it's not." "MTV is the vanguard of the corporate cultural consumption monster." "First, they put this place on TV." "They'll show how cool, cheap and fun it is here." "Then the Yuppies move in!" "And suddenly, whammo!" "None of us can afford to live in our little building anymore." "Oh, come on." "They're just filming a TV show." "What's so bad about that?" "God, I'm totally starving." "Yeah. I could use some scarfage." "Hey, what's with the ruckus?" "Watch your cups!" "Don't walk on my grill!" "Just ignore us." "We want to be as unobtrusive as possible." "So, what finally happened between you and that lesbian?" "Okay, so we were, like, in her room and she, like, started kissing my neck." "Crap!" "That's the only time I've ever been with another woman." "You won't tell anyone, will you?" "That was just the beginning." "Soon they had overrun the whole neighborhood." "Taxi!" "Got, like, three seconds to get out of my" "Taxi!" "So we decided to fight back." "The only way we knew how." "l think Leeann is a lesbian." "Skids told me she only experimented once." "MTV SUCKS Views expressed by buttocks are their own." "You know, MTV will just edit out your butt." "We gotta find a way to really screw them up." "If we could get into that apartment." "We could destroy them from the inside." "Hey!" "Wait up!" "Oh, my God." "You have to help me." "Those cameras are in my face, 24/7." "I just need, like, a moment to myself." "I think I can help you with that." "Knock yourself out." "Hey, I'm Jim." "l'm Leeann." "I'm Andy." "So Leeann any chance of a major fan getting a look inside that way cool Real World apartment?" "You like the show?" "Shut up!" "Really?" "Okay, just don't act all, like, wow." "Leeann, how can you just bring a stranger in here without asking us?" "Oh, my God. I am, like, so sorry." "I love you guys." "Feel how good it feels to feel." "Don't do that." "What the hell is that?" "It's coming from the master control room." "Master control room?" "And where would that be?" "In the apartment some place." "Nobody knows exactly where." "Hello...." "Control room...." "Baby, I'm not gonna change." "You're seeing Skids on ten." "You want Skids on five." "And Skids ain't gonna take it down for you or anyone else!" "Let Skids do what he wants to do." "That's what he's all about." "The essence of being me is all about totally being me. I can't do that." "Dude, back off!" "Dude?" "Please don't call me "dude."" "I know you, man." "You like to stick your ass out car windows." "Who doesn't?" "Oh, boy!" "Here it comes." "My favorite part." "Hey, dude." "We're into being sensitive to other people's feelings." "If you're not down with that, keep yourself away from here." "I hear you." "You're getting Andy on ten." "I used to be Andy on six." "And once, I was even on three and three-eighths." "But now I'm Andy, cranked to the max." "Deal with it!" "You know what your problem is?" "You got no class!" "Peace, man!" "I am out" "I am outta here!" "Back and to the left." "Peace, man!" "I am out" "Back and to the left." "I can see why Andy hid these tapes." "How embarrassing that he caused an accident." "That's not why he hid the tapes." "Oh, no." "Andy was quite proud of the accident." "It's what happened later that embarrassed him." "Now we're down one cast member." "Now what?" "We could get the obsessive-compulsive from Dallas." "Or that suicidal Jew from Florida." "We've had him on alert." "No." "Skids was our troublemaker." "The show won't work without a charismatic troublemaker." "What about him?" "Not bad." "Sort of a cross between Eddie Vedder and Chuck Barris." "Hey, you!" "Come here." "Yeah?" "How would you like to be on The Real World?" "Me?" "Come on." "I'm not MTV material." "Hell, I'm barely WB material." "And that is exactly my point." "Those others, let's face it." "They're wannabes." "They're fakes." "But you're not like them." "There's a truth to what you are." "A rebelliousness." "Really?" "You think so?" "Absolutely." "Listen, Andy, where do you see yourself in five years?" "I'd like to be a cartoonist." "You'll find, The Real World, your steppingstone to a lucrative career in the entertainment business." "Thank you, Puck." "Now, go help Irene with port-a-potties." "Yes, ma'am." "Treat yourself to a taste of the glamorous life, Andy." "Come on, what do you say?" "This is the true story..." "Of several strangers..." "Picked by a huge corporation..." "To embarrass themselves on national TV." "The Real World." "Mission Hill." "Please tell me Andy didn't make a complete fool out of himself." "Okay." "But I'd be lying." "I am gonna be so famous." "What happened to destroying the show from the inside?" "Oh, yeah." "Get inside." "Get to know what it's really like...." "And destroy it?" "Absolutely." "Because I'm the charismatic troublemaker." "Does this make me seem rebellious?" "Like, you're rebelling against the show, right?" "Sure, yeah." "I may have to bulk up a bit for the competition with Road Rules." "Okay, now this is your microphone." "It'll stay on your back 24 hours a day." "This is our attorney." "He'll do the same." "These contracts gives Music Television Network, hereafter as the owner, exclusive rights to your voice and image, in media, known or unknown." "In perpetuity throughout the universe." "What about other dimensions?" "Do I retain the rights in other dimensions?" "No." "Now you may only listen to music recorded on the Polygram label." "If you engage in sexual intercourse during the show only Sheik brand condoms may be used." "So, you think I'll be having a lot of sex while I'm here?" "Sex and fights." "That's what we're all about." "What do I do now?" "Stogie, no." "That's dirty." "All right!" "Hey, honey, come." "Check out what's on the tube!" "I don't want the baby watching TV." "Okay, but they found The Real World tapes." "Did we miss much?" "No." "We were just putting in Andy, Day One." "When the hell is he gonna wake up?" "God." "This is duller than Ruthie's alcohol counseling." "Like, you never help with the dishes." "I'm gonna wash my dish." "I'm gonna wash my fork and my spoon." "I am about me." "And my dishes." "Why do you hate me?" "Are we having a fight?" "Can I join in?" "The way I see it Leeann, all your disgusting habits are making everyone sick." "And, Dakota, if you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have so many dirty dishes." "How was that?" "Very impressive." "You think so?" "That really means a lot coming from you." "Oh, that Dakota can be a real pill." "Give the broad a break." "She ain't seen her boyfriend in months." "You're totally ignoring psychic torture that Earnest is inflicting on them." "You just know Clint had something to do with it." "Say, this stuff's pretty infectious, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Like fungus." "Then one day Andy tried to spread it to us." "Attention everyone!" "We're gonna be doing a little bit for MTV right now." "Just keep eating and talking and keeping it real, okay?" "Hey, howdy, y'all." "What's the haps?" "Well, we just had a baby." "Yeah, that's fine." "Super-fresh." "But, it's not the kind of thing that normally makes it on the show." "We should probably stick to me." "Okay." "How's this?" "You suck now." "Jim, hold on!" "I can't be a part of this, man." "I don't want my life used to sell MM's." "Could you say, "l don't want my life used to sell Reese's Pieces"?" "Even better, say "l do want my life used to sell Reese's Pieces."" "Wait, buddy." "Jim!" "We've been best friends since high school." "Let's talk about this for a second." "Okay." "Let's talk." "You're a:" "Come on." "I know I've changed." "But you're still my best friend, man." "Then please stop being so" "Battery change." "Okay. I'll start again from...." "I know I've changed." "Jim, you need to look a little angrier." "That's perfect." "Hey, man!" "Messing with me is one thing." "But when you touch this equipment, you mess with Viacom." "I don't need you anymore." "I don't need any of you." "You could all go to hell!" "Peace!" "Hey, what's so funny?" "What are you guys watching?" "You touch this equipment, you mess with Via" "What the..?" "Who went into my private box?" "Mom said I could." "Those tapes have the most embarrassing moments of my life!" "And you're showing them to all my friends and neighbors?" "Well, perhaps you should've hidden them better." "I didn't count on living with Little-Creepy-McSnoop-Snoop!" "You're becoming unhinged." "I think you should sit down." "Stop touching me!" "Stop touching me!" "All right, cork it, you two!" "Pee Wee, have a seat." "Superstar, get over there and narrate." "But l" "Do it!" "So, what happened next?" "Well, uh...." "Having alienated everyone I knew, I had no choice but to seek out relationships over at The Real World house." "So I guess I'll never see beyond me..." "...until I learn to really see me first." "Exactly, man." "If you want to be about respect, you have to be about you." "You know?" "Hey, guys." "Anybody want to go out and get hammered?" "We're working on some issues here." "Oh." "Sorry." "I just thought we could go have some fun." "But this is fun." "Yeah, man, quit fronting." "Sit down with us and share some of your pain." "But I don't really have" "Come on, Andy." "Everybody's got some deep hidden pain." "Share with us." "Yeah." "Sit down and just talk to us." "Come on." "Yeah." "You'll feel better." "Well...." "I guess my pain really comes from something that happened last summer." "See, there was this terrible lawn-mowing accident that took the life of my little brother, Kevin." "Kev, if you're up there I miss you, man!" "Sorry. I thought it would make my character more interesting." "You told them I was dead?" "I didn't wanna come across as unsympathetic." "Entertainment Weekly would've torn me apart." "Not to mention, "Cheers  Jeers," and "Picks and Pans."" "Which would have jeered and panned you, respectively." "Yeah." "Well, that seemed to be the general feeling all around town." "It's okay." "Just ignore the cameras." "Could you guys just give me a few moments to myself?" "Please don't speak to the crew." "Okay. I can't take this anymore." "I quit." "That's impossible." "It would totally compromise the reality of this project." "Reality?" "I'm talking to a plant." "Please don't talk to the plant." "Mr. French, may I remind you that you signed a binding legal contract." "The Viacom Corporation holds all rights to your life." "My life?" "Yes!" "Get back in there and start living it." "Preferably in a charismatic and troublemaking manner." "That's disrespectful, man!" "And I love hanging out with my new friends and listening to all my..." "...my favorite new artists...." ""On Polygram Records."" ""Stay cool, Andy."" ""P.S. Don't forget to save the stamp on this letter for Posey's collection."" "But I don't have a stamp collection." "A canceled stamp is worthless to a collector." "Like, Andy would know that?" "So, what did you guys do?" "Andy was miserable." "We had to get him out of there." "So we all joined forces and came up with a plan to strike at the very belly of the beast!" "Do you really think we need a gun?" "Ever dealt with MTV before?" "Yeah?" "Hello." "I'm here to see my nephew, Andy French." "I am his uncle." "And this is a very large present that I've brought him." "Andy's uncle?" "Shut up!" "That's great!" "My mom's brother is my uncle." "Excuse me for a moment." "No sign of the master control room." "Go to plan B. Flush them out!" "This man's having a seizure!" "Somebody help!" "This could be messy. I smell lawsuit." "Two medical emergencies in one season." "This has Cable Ace Award written all over it." "They don't give out the Ace Award anymore." "You better get out there then." "Bingo." "What makes you think you can barge in here?" "Say hello to my little friend." "Hello." "Pleased to meet you." "Enough of this malarkey." "Nobody move!" "Hey, someone's in here." "Too bad you went to all this trouble for nothing." "We still have legal ownership of Andy." "Not without these contracts, lady." "Now you've got legal ownership of some confetti." "Happy New Year." "I guess the worst part of that lawn-mower accident was having to pick up all those little pieces of Kevin." "The rake made it a little easier but" "Andy." "You got my letter!" "You are all in a lot of trouble!" "You're stealing MTV property, and I have got the evidence right here!" "Oh, my." "Sorry, Andy." "Bull's-eye!" "This is so unfair. I can't believe my friends are taking such joy in my suffering and humiliation." "Well, you know, Andy, everybody hurts." "Sometimes." "And everybody cries" "And everybody hurts" "Sometimes." "And everybody hurts" "Sometimes" "So hold on" "Hold on" "Hold on" "Subtitles by BloodLogic" "[english]"