"Uck!" "I hate Valentine's Day." "Why?" "Oh... because of your life." " What are you looking for?" " Flowers from Kendrick's, chocolates from an ex, a poem from the homeless guy who sleeps on the fire escape... anything, I'm desperate." "Well, they're not from a man, but guess who did get you chocolates?" " You?" " Yes!" "C'mon, cheer up, sunshine!" "Valentine's Day can never be that bad, because we'll always have each other." "And stop smiling, okay?" "You're just happy because you have a man in your life." "I do not have a man in my life," "I have a Josh, and we have a strictly punch-card relationship." "Hmm... so you guys aren't going to do anything romantic tonight?" "That's right!" "People get crazy on Valentine's Day, and because we're not a couple, we're not going to celebrate it." "No gifts, no romance, no mush." "What's up with your box?" "(scoffs) My box is not going anywhere near Josh no..." "Oh, this box." "Well, Alan asked me to make a surprise dinner for Elliot, and, me, I am looking forward to spending a booze-filled night with you and Yolanda, my gal-entines." "Uck." "Where the hell have you guys been?" "We were supposed to start drinking at 9:00." "P.M." "Oh my damn!" "I'm gonna need a ride to work." "(theme music playing)" "♪ She's in the spotlight" "♪ And she turned my head" "♪ She'd run a red light" "♪ 'Cause she's bad like that" "♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪" "My pleasure, Alan." "Elliot's gonna love it." "It's super cute." "It's got all your favorite foods in it." "I call it, "Eat, Gay, Love."" " Isn't that fun..." "Hello?" " (line clicks)" "What you got there?" "Um, nothing." " It looks like a gift." " Why would you say that?" "'Cause it's a box with a big bow on it." "Who's it for?" "Spill it!" "Um, huh, Josh, it's... it's for Josh." "It's a little Valentine's Day gift that I got for him, but don't tell him." "It'll ruin everything." "Please, I can keep a secret." "Just ask my high school tennis coach." "Hey, did Gabi leave for the grocery store yet?" "Fine, I'll tell you." "Gabi has a Valentine's Day gift for you." "(snickers) What?" "No, she doesn't." "She's in the laundry room right now hiding it." "See, that's why my tennis coach got fired." "Wait, we had an agreement." "No gifts, no romance, no mush." "Dammit, I knew this was going to happen." "See?" "I knew the minute we were having the sex she wouldn't be able to resist me." "Now what am I going to do?" "Just don't get her anything in return." "Are you out of your mind?" "I can't not get her anything." "Do you know nothing about women?" "Did we just meet?" "If Gabi gets me a gift and I don't get her one she'll be all hurt, and then that'll turn to resentment." "That could be the end of the punch-card relationship, or maybe our whole relationship." "(scoffs) Thank God Alan and I don't have to get each other gifts." "That's the benefit of being married." "Hello, commitment." "Goodbye, effort." "Seriously, what am I going to get her?" "It's already Valentine's Day." "I'd give you my reservations to Alan's favorite restaurant, La Lune Jaune, but I didn't make any, because I'm married and I put in zero effort." " Hey, Josh, I was..." " I got you a gift." "What?" "Yep, I got you a gift." " Okay, but I thought we said no gifts." " Ah, yeah, I know we said no gifts, but sometimes you say you're not going to get someone a gift and you get them one anyway, which is why I got you a..." "I got you a... dinner at La La Lu Jaune." "Ahh, wow, what a surprise!" "Um, I mean, I had plans with..." "Yolanda and Sofia, but I'll just call Sofia right now" "(quietly) so she can tell me what to do!" "What?" "I thought you guys said you weren't getting each other gifts." "Yeah I know, but he crumbled and asked me out to dinner." "A romantic dinner." "God...!" "I knew once we were having sex he wouldn't be able to resist me." "Aw, you poor bitch." "Sofia, what are we gonna do?" " Don't go." " Well, I can't not go." "Then he'll fell rejected which will turn to hurt, which he'll cover with sarcasm, which is really just anger, and after anger there's no turning back." "Our very complicated simply sex relationship will be over!" "Okay, so then go, but if he does anything romantic, just shut it down." "Make it clear that romance is the last thing that you want on Valentine's Day." "Wow, Sofia, you are so good at getting guys not to love you." "Okay, well, good luck!" "(clears throat)" "Well, Yolanda, looks like it's just you and me tonight." "(chuckles) Oh, that'll be fun too." "What the hell was that look?" "Let's be real, of the two of you, Gabi is the fun one." "I'm fun!" "What, did you think looking for continuity errors in Downton Abbey was all I had planned for tonight?" "What else?" "We gonna order some pizza?" "With all kinds of super fun and unique toppings!" "How 'bout we order something with no toppings, like a stripper?" "What do you mean?" "Like a man stripper?" "Who said you're not fun?" "I got him on speed dial." "(soft piano music playing)" "Wow, a lot of candlelight and romance here on Valentine's Day." "And it is packed!" "That's not good... for... those losers who didn't make a reservation." "Gimme a second." "No, I am sorry, it is Valentine's Day, the Christmas of love." "We are booked solid." "No amount of money will get you a table." "Please call again anytime." "Ah, monsieur, you have a reservation?" "I do." "I'm Michael Stein, and I'm right here, and right there." "You're Michael Stein?" "Doctor, it is only 7:30." "You're half an hour early." "Ah, yeah, ah..." "I have a really good reason for that, um..." "I'm a doctor, ah, tonight I'm performing surgery." "I'm separating conjoined twins, they're sharing a heart which is funny 'cause it's Valentine's Day." "Anyhoo, I'm gonna need to be out of here by 8:00." "Very well, right this way." "Tonight we serve a prefixed menu consisting of seven courses." "Hey, you know what, chief, why don't we just, ah, mush them all together." "They're all French, right?" "Very well." "Do you have any requests for the pianist?" "Oh, no." "I am definitely not in the mood for any pianist tonight." "Surprise!" "What the hell's this?" "I wanted to have our first Valentine's Day dinner where we had our first date, on Josh's terrace." "Why do you have Gabi's gift for Josh?" "It's not!" "That's my gift for you." "I had Gabi make a romantic dinner for us and put it in this box." "Wait so, you got me a Valentine's Day gift?" "Of course." "People in love get people they love gifts." "We're not animals." "I can't wait to see what you got me." "Well, you're gonna have to wait a little longer." " How much?" " 'Till the stores open tomorrow." "What?" "You didn't get me a gift?" " I thought we said no gifts!" " We never said that!" "Well, we should have." "I mean, this is ridiculous." "We don't have to be romantic anymore." "We're married." "Are we?" "Alan!" "Oh, "Eat, Gay, Love." That's clever." "Ugh." "I can't believe we just ate a seven-course meal in 15 minutes." "22 minutes." "I can't eat another thing!" "Dessert, please." "You're ready for... it?" "Now?" "Yes." "Bring it." "Bring everything." "Okay, what is going on?" "I mean, you're rushing through dinner." "You keep checking your watch." "Why are you acting so weird?" "Look, I need to tell you the truth." "The truth about what?" "Why I brought you to this unbelievably romantic restaurant on Valentine's Day." "Uh... did you get a haircut?" "Look, our relationship is very important to me." "Because maybe you did, but maybe, you know, it's just a product." "And it's scary because what I'm about to say could change that." "'Cause it's really, it's flattened out the sides, you know?" " Gabi, I..." " Oh gosh, I'm so sorry." " That's okay, you missed." " Oh, I did?" "Lemme see." "Oh my gosh!" "So sorry!" " Oh!" " Excuse me." " ♪ La da da da, da da da da da ♪" " Oh!" "No, no, no." "The last thing we need right now is champagne." "Oh, but this is very special champagne." " Monsieur picked it out himself." " Oh, I'm sure the "Mon-siur" did but the "Mon-siur" is acting a little nutso on Valentine's Day, so I think we need to pump the "Mon-siur's" brakes!" " It's $1,500 a bottle." " One sip can't hurt." "No, no, no, no, no!" "Not yet!" "What the hell?" "A ring?" "Yes, you have to wait for monsieur!" "For what?" "For your engagement." "Congratulations by the way." "Yeah, just spit it back in." "We can reenact it when monsieur comes back." "No, no, no, no." "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm not reenacting anything." "I gotta get out of here." "Ah, Dr. Stein." "Forgive me, but your proposal to mademoiselle did not go exactly as planned." "My what now?" "We put the ring in the champagne just like your assistant requested, but when mademoiselle saw it, sadly, oh, she run away." "What?" "No, no." "I-I didn't propose." "We're... we're just friends." "Yes, well, now you are." " (knock on door)" " Stripper's here!" "BOTH:" "Hey!" "Oh..." "Elliot and I had a horrible fight." "I didn't know where else to go." "Oh, I'm sorry, Alan." "Thanks, but there's nothing you could possibly say to cheer me up right now." " We got a male stripper coming." " Except that." " (knock on door)" " Ooh!" "Stripper's here!" "TRIO:" "Hey!" "Oh..." "I forgot my keys." "Gabi, what's wrong?" "I thought you were supposed to be at your unromantic dinner with Josh." "Oh, yeah." "It was unromantic, until he proposed!" " What?" " Oy." "Don't do it, Gabi." "Pat Benatar was right." "Love is a battlefield." "Hold up." "Josh wouldn't make a decision like this without talking to me." "If he was gonna propose to you, I'd know it." "Ooh, congratulations, girl!" " (knock on door)" " Stripper's here!" " JOSH:" "Gabi, are you in there?" " Dammit!" "(whispers) My God, it's Josh." "I don't want to talk to him." "I was never here." "Where's the rest of the fire escape?" "Thank God there's not an actual fire." "Mm." " I'm calling the cops!" " No, no, no, please." "Oh no, hold still." "I know I've got a gun around here someplace." "I'm sorry." "Is tonight your wedding night?" "Why would you think that?" "No reason." "Um, so, I'm..." "I'm Gabi." "I'm your upstairs neighbor, and uh," "I-I'm only here because... the guy that I was having casual sex with just proposed and I don't wanna marry him." "So I ran away and now he's upstairs." "Did I ask?" "Are you sure there's nobody else here like a... like a groom?" "Why do you keep asking that?" "There's no one else here, including the delivery guy with my calzone." "Um, hey well, maybe we can help each other out." "I'm a chef, and if you don't call the cops," "I will make you something amazing!" "Throw in rotating my mattress, you got a deal." "You have to give me a reservation." "This is my husband's favorite restaurant." " I'll do anything!" " Please, sir." "I don't have time for this right now." "My piano player just left with the food poisoning..." "I mean the flu." "I can play piano, but in return, you have to give me a table." " You play piano?" " Yes." "My mother wouldn't let me eat dessert unless I practiced." "Then you must be a virtuoso." "All right, hit it, Gay-thoven." "Well, you were right." "Once I hammered off all the freezer ice, it was a brisket." "Oh, expires 2003." "So did Harry." "Was Harry your husband?" "No, it was the cow." "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?" "So, uh, I-I just gotta ask." "Why are you wearing a wedding dress?" "I wear it every Valentine's Day." "It is Valentine's Day, right?" "Yeah." "Okay, let's see." "This carrot will add some color." "Ooh." "Reminds me of Charlie... my fourth husband, which is why I married Harry, my fifth." "Wow, you've been married five times?" "I ran away at the thought of just one." "You must really love being married." "No." "Well then, why would you do it five times?" "I love wearing the dress." "Plus, when you are in it, something magical happens." "I thought that only happened when you took the dress off." "Don't be dirty." "Sorry." "I would've been married seven times." "but twice, I put it on, and it told me, "Don't do it."" "Wow, so... the dress actually told you that?" "Oh, put it on, it answers all of your questions." "You wanna try it on, don't you?" "Well, I do have a lot of questions." "Okay, but you're not going to fill it out like I do." "You're telling me that Valentine's gift" " wasn't from Gabi?" " No." "It was my gift to Elliot, who won't stop calling." "But I refuse to answer because that gift, was from my heart, which I no longer have because my ice queen husband ripped it from my chest on the most romantic day of the year!" "Where's that damn stripper?" "The only reason I took her out was because I thought she got me something." "I didn't want to hurt her feelings." "Well, the only reason she went with you is because she didn't want to hurt your feelings." "And then she thought you proposed, and she freaked out!" "No!" "No, no, no..." "this doesn't make sense, okay?" "I know Gabi." "She's never had a problem saying no." "Want to know what I think?" "I think she does have feelings for me, and she's conflicted!" " She's not conflicted." " GABI:" "Oh my God!" "Gabi?" "So, was I right?" "Yep, I do not fill it out the way you do, but I love it." "I love it so much." "JOSH:" "She's in a dress!" " She's in a wedding dress!" " Who?" "Gabi, she's in a wedding dress, a big one with... with... with the frills, and it has the poof." " What are you talking about?" " I was wrong, Sofia." "She's not conflicted." "She freaking loves me." "I don't ever want to take it off." "But that's when the fun starts." "Don't be dirty." "Ahh!" " Oh my God!" " Pretty!" "Did I just hear the stripper?" "What are you guys doing down here?" "Looking for you, sweetheart!" "This is the guy you ran away from?" "(quietly) Newsflash, gay." "No, not him." "Him!" "Ooh... nice!" "Gabi, I don't want to marry you." " You don't?" " No!" "Well, then why did you propose to me?" "I didn't propose." "Michael Stein proposed." "Who the hell's Michael Stein?" "The guy whose reservation I stole because I thought you got me a gift, but it turns out it was Alan's gift to Elliot." "Can't hear that enough." "Wait, so seriously you" " don't wanna marry me?" " No." "I'll marry you." "Gabi, I love the way things are between us right now." "I do too." "I mean, I don't wanna marry you." "I don't even know why I'm wearing this ring." "Ring?" "You kept the ri..." "you kept the ring?" "!" "(phone rings)" "Hello, La Lune Jaune." "Hi, uh, not sure if you're going to remember me, but I'm the guy who came in earlier pretending to be Michael Stein?" "Oh, thank God, please tell me you are calling because you have the ring." "Yes, ah, we have it right here." "Hurry, because the future Mr. and Mrs. Stein are ten minutes away from the champagne course." "Ah, okay, we're on our way!" " Take off the ring." " Yeah," "I'm trying but someone just force-fed me a seven-course meal and I'm a little bloated." "You'll get it off in the car." "Guys," " pull my car around?" " Ah." "Okay, lemme just, um..." "lemme go change and I'll" " No time, no time." "No time!" " put on my shoes. (screams)" "I gotta start locking my window." "We're here, we're here." "Wow, I thought you said no?" "We've got the ring." "We've got the ring." "We stalled as long as we could." "They're about to serve the champagne right now." " Take off the ring." " Yeah, I'm trying." "It's" " stuck on my knuckle." "I am pulling." " Keep pulling." "It won't come off!" "Ooh, melted butter." "You can take it to the table now." "Thank you." "(grunts)" "Oh no!" "Ooh, champagne course." "So fancy!" "Oh my God." "I will!" "ALL:" "She will!" "Hey, they're getting married!" "Hey, we're not!" "Ooh." "I'm Yolanda." "I get off in ten minutes." "God willing, I will too." "I'm glad someone's having a nice Valentine's day." " Alan?" " Elliot." "You never returned my calls." "How'd you know I was here?" "I didn't." "I came with them." "It's a whole to do." "What are you doing here?" "I know this is your favorite restaurant." "I wanted to meet you here so I could give you your present." "What present?" "(music playing)" "♪ Let me call you sweetheart ♪" "♪ I'm in love with you ♪" "If you think a song can win me back, you'd be right!" "♪ Keep the love light glowing ♪" "♪ In your eyes so true ♪" "BOTH: ♪ Let me call you sweetheart ♪" "♪ I'm in love with you ♪" "BOTH:" "God, I hate Valentine's Day." "May I have this first dance?" "You may, but it might be a little mushy and romantic." " Mm... the hell with it." " Okay." "Happy Valentine's Day, Gabi." "Happy Valentine's Day, Josh." "♪ Let me call you sweetheart ♪" "♪ I'm in love with you ♪" "♪ Let me hear you whisper ♪" "♪ That you love me too ♪" "Ms. Wilson?" "Dammit!" "Locked the windows, forgot the door." "I, uh..." "I brought your wedding dress back." "So the magic dress told you, "No way," huh?" "Well, just between you and me... it said, "Not yet."" "Hey, I'm a little lost." "I'm looking for a Sofia and Yolanda?" "That's us." " (rock music playing)" " Perfect." "(gasps)" "Told ya this dress was magic." "Oh, cute." "He's got a heart on!" " (Velcro rips)" " MS, WILSON:" "Oh." "Still does."