"Marklar, this is Marklar." "Approaching Marklar." "Proceed with marklar and make first contact." "Marklar." "Greetings, marklars." "I am Marklar." "I come in marklar." "Oh, marklar." "Hello, everyone." "I am Sister Hollis." "I was chosen for my mission work to come here to Africa and teach you all about the teachings of Jesus." "Okay, then, do we have our Bibles that were handed out freely?" "No, no, no." "We don't eat the Bibles." "We read them." "Now, let's turn to Mark 3:19." "Come on." "Remember: reading Bible plus accepting Jesus equals food." "Good." "Now who can read Mark 3:19?" "How about..." "Marvin." "No, Marvin - in God's language:" "English." "Where are you going?" "Back to your life of sin?" "Don't you understand that unless you find Christ, you and all your people are doomed to eternal hellfire?" "...and so, children, that's why Hare Krishnas are totally gay." "Uh, can I help you?" "Yes, I'm Conley, and this is Finks." "We're with the CIA." "We're here to speak with some of your students." "You, you, you and you." "Oh, for Pete's sake, what have you bastards done now?" "Hey, that was Kyle that went number two in the urinal." "No it wasn't, fat ass." "I saw you do it!" "Boys, we need to talk to you about a matter of national security, now." "I hope you give 'em the chair." "Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishnas are totally gay." "Oh, dude, this is not good..." "Relax, fat ass." "No dude, I've seen this on TV." "They shine that light in your face, and then they try to get you to tell them stuff by squeezing your balls really hard." "What?" "Dude, I've seen it." "They grab your balls with their leather-gloved hands, and they squeeze 'em as hard as they can until they pop like little grapes." "Ow, dude." "Start with Kenny!" "Start with Kenny!" "Relax, boys, we just need to talk with you." "I told you, fat ass." "Approximately 31 hours ago, an ethnic-looking child was spotted flying some kind of state-of-the-art aircraft over Chinese airspace." "Whoa, cool." "Cool?" "That craft appears to have enough plutonium fuel aboard to blow up a large city." "Do you think that's "cool"?" "Totally." "All right, children, we just need to know one thing:" "do you know... this person?" "Hey, that's Starvin' Marvin." "Shh." "Who?" "You dumbass, Cartman." "Now they're going to go squeeze his balls." "Oh... we don't know him." "We already know you know him." "We have this." "Now, who is he?" "Ew, Kyle's making mud pies." "You guys want one?" "This is getting us nowhere." "We'll have to resort to more drastic measures." "But they're just kids." "We can't torture them." "Look, we don't know what that craft is capable of, but the kid is going to have to land it somewhere." "God only knows what sadistic, backwards, third-world country could get their hands on that ship." "?" "Soaring so high above the world?" "?" "Never thought I could be so free?" "?" "I'm one with the birds and magic is all I see...?" "Oy, look up there." "It's a UFO." "Oy, that's one creepy alien." "Talk to him, Mayor." "Great and noble alien creature, as mayor of the fine planet of Australia," "I welcome you to our fine... planet of Australia." "Chippy, chip..." "Choorah!" "Look out - he's got a gun!" "Wait, it's not a gun." "It's a piece of paper." "Oh." "Oh, I think he's trying to tell us that he wants to relocate all his species here to Australia." "Well, you certainly are welcome here, alien." "In fact, there's a mission right over there that will take all your people in." "Hello." "Guess the little pecker doesn't like missionaries." "Now, I'll ask you again... who is the little boy that took our ship?" "We don't know." "Who is this person?" "K - kill me..." "Do it again." "No, wait..." "I'll tell you." "He's... he's a little starving Ethiopian kid." "We adopted him." "Cartman!" "Adopted from who?" "Sally..." "Sally Struthers..." "The lady on TV..." "She knows everything" " Sally Struthers." "Sally Struthers." "Where can we find her?" "I know exactly where Sally Struthers is." "Let them go." "Good job, fat ass." "Dude, I couldn't take that balloon." "Another couple hours of that, and I would have been totally pissed off." "Whatever, let's go see what's on TV." "Gentlemen, Ms. Struthers can see you now." "Now, I'm warning you, Bill," "Sally Struthers is a bit heavy, but don't say anything because she's pretty sensitive." "Oh, I would never say anything." "I saw some show where they made fun of Sally Struthers' weight, and I thought it was totally cruel." "I mean, she helps people, you know?" "Ah, Ms. Struthers..." "Ms. Struthers, we understand you have helped raise millions of dollars to help starving children in Ethiopia." "We need information on one of the Ethiopians." "You must tell us everything you know about him." "Doh ba-kin?" "His name is Starving Marvin." "Why yes, it is a Chocolate Yum Yum Bar, Ms. Struthers, and there are several more where that came from." "Of course, if you don't want to tell us about the Ethiopian boy..." "Mo naka!" "I'm glad we can do business." "Come on, dude, there's got to be something about Starvin' Marvin it in the news." "Well, I can't find anything..." "Wait, what's this?" "God wants you to send us money." "He needs you to send us money, so we can help others..." "Oh, my God - this guy again." "Why would anybody send this asshole money?" "Holy shit!" "Whoa!" "Aw!" "Aw!" "Oh, weak." "Starvin' Marvin." "He did take a ship." "Well, nice job, Marvin." "I hope you got about a thousand dollars to pay for my house." "Dude, you're going to get busted for taking this thing." "I think he wants us to get in." "Kick ass." "Wow, this thing is awesome." "Let's go somewhere." "?" "Soaring so high above the world?" "?" "Never thought?" "?" "I could be so free?" "Yes!" "Wow!" "?" "I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see?" "This is great." "Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from?" "Can we turn that off?" "Yeah, that's better." "Hello, how are we doing today?" "Look what I got for you." "No, it's not food." "It's a cross... and it has your Christian name printed on it." "From now on, you are "Michael. "" "Can you say "Michael"?" "Mi-chael." "Oh, well, you'll get it." "Hello, brother David." "Do you have any sins to confess?" "Anybody?" "Sins to confess?" "Joshua?" "You know, today I am reminded of Psalm 46, line 39:" ""Though the mountains shake and... "" "Here they are." "Who are you?" "We're with the American government." "Sally Struthers told us where we'd find Marvin's parents." "Hello, there, Mr. and Mrs. Click-Click-Derk." "I think you know why we're here." "No, dude, you don't want to bring your people to Mexico." "There's missionaries there, too." "No way - not Utah." "Utah's nothing but missionaries." "Dude, it looks like he's tried everywhere in the world." "Well, he hasn't been... here yet." "Where's this?" "What the hell did you hit, Cartman?" "Oh, my God, what the hell is that thing?" "!" "Where are we?" "We're on, like, some foreign planet." "This place is rad." "Look at all the trees and stuff." "Greetings." "Welcome to Marklar." "Uh, thanks." "I am Marklar, leader of the Marklar." "Uh, cool." "My name is Stan, and, uh, I'm the leader of Earth." "Marklar to you." "Cool." "Hey, I'm the leader of Earth." "Screw you, Cartman" " I called leader first." "Well, you can call leader till your ass bleeds, but it doesn't make it true." "We are very thankful to you for bringing our marklar back to us." "Wait, I thought you called your planet Marklar." "Oh, here on Marklar, we refer to all people, places and things as marklar." "Well, our friend Marvin and all his people have to live on a part of Earth that sucks ass." "They can't grow food or nothing." "Yeah, so it'd be really cool if you would let Marvin and all his people come live here." "Well, there is a lot of room on Marklar." "If Marklar, here, wants to bring his marklar to Marklar, that would be fine." "Just take our marklar back to Marklar and bring all the marklar back with you." "Uh... thanks." "Let's go through this one more time," "Mr. and Mrs. Click-Click-Derk." "Your son Marvin has a ship that we want." "How can we get it from him?" "We are the CIA." "That ship needs to be with us." "Maybe we should just take something precious of yours, huh?" "Aha!" "This." "This gourd thingy, for instance." "How do you like that, huh?" "If you ever want to see this... little thingy again," "I suggest you contact your boy." "There it is!" "Back away from the spacecraft, children." "No, no, it's okay." "The ship took us to another planet- a beautiful, lush place called Marklar." "Yeah, and the leader, he said that all the Ethiopians can go live there." "An alien race?" "Have they heard the word of Christ?" "No, never." "It's perfect." "Oh, no, those poor souls." "We must spread the gospel to them." "What?" "Come on, Marvin, we've got to get your people to Marklar before the missionaries do." "You'll do nothing of the kind." "This ship is now property of the United States government." "No!" "Call those boys' mothers." "I'm sure they'll be very interested in the trouble their boys have been up to." "Oh, no, dude." "You know, Susan, there-there's so many great missionaries doing work out there in-in-in-in parts of Africa, and-and-and we're trying to get Bibles to people all over the world, and what we need is the help" "of everyone out there, so that we can continue these-these projects." "Now, listen to this, Susan." "O" " One of our missionaries in North Africa has made an amazing discovery:" "a- a-a new planet in the.. in the galaxy Alpha Seti 6 that has intelligent life on it." "Amazing." "Now, we're not sure what these hyper-intelligent beings look like, but one thing is for sure, they've never heard of Jesus Christ." "What can we do at the 600 Club to help those poor aliens?" "Well, what we need, Susan, is we need money to build an interstellar cruiser." "Now, this spaceship will be able to travel through a wormhole and deliver the message and glory of Jesus Christ to those godless aliens." "Send your money now." "Amen." "I want everyone to keep a safe distance from the craft until we can run some tests." "Excuse me, gentlemen, uh, Tom Brokaw is here to see you." "Tom Brokaw?" "Oh, no - the press, already?" "Ah... good day, gentlemen." "Uh-huh..." "Mr. Brokaw, I presume." "You presume wisely, sir." "I'm here to get the big story, the big scoop." "I understand that you found some kind of ship from an alien race." "Seeing as though I am Pulitzer prize-winning Tom Brokaw..." "Look, kid, did you really think this was going to fool anybody?" "You don't look anything like Tom Brokaw." "What?" "Dare you question my integri-tah?" "I told you Tom Brokaw doesn't have a mustache, fat ass." "Wha...?" "Oh, I had some bad burritos today." "All right, boys." "Time to get back to your quarters." "Oh." "Son of a bitch!" "Run for it!" "Get 'em!" "Kenny!" "Forget him." "He's done for." "He's not done for." "He's standing right there." "No, no, he's done for." "Come on." "No!" "Damn it, damn it, damn it!" "All right, we made it." "Okay, Marvin." "Time to take your people to their new home." "What was that?" "This isthe Missionary 600." "We have you locked on, fire ready." "Turn back right now." "They're shooting at us." "Quick, Marvin, get us to Marklar." "Well, how'd we do it last time?" "Cartman just hit the button, and the ship flew itself." "Which button did you press, Cartman?" "Uh..." "I don't remember." "You don't remember?" "!" "You dumbass, Cartman." "Hey, I was under duress." "Maybe it was this one." "?" "Soaring so high above the world...?" "The ship seems to be made out of a super-strong alloy." "These lasers aren't powerful enough." "Everyone, the-the Word of God is going around the world, and-and all your help is so greatly appreciated." "What we need now is an argon-crystal laser." "You see, an argon-crystal laser can pierce thick space hulls in a way that other lasers just can't." "Send your money now." "Uh, thank you." "Ms. Struthers, we understand that you have a ship of your own- one capable of interstellar travel." "We need to use your ship to catch those boys." "We will do anything for that technology." "Ms. Struthers, if those Ethiopians make it to another planet, who will send money to your foundation?" "Without Ethiopians... you have no food." "Oh, that won't be a problem, Ms. Struthers." "We have collateral." "I have the infidels in my sights." "Holy!" "Holy crap, they have photon torpedoes." "Now, our deflector shields are useless against photon torpedoes, and we really need your support on this one, folks." "Here at the 600 Club, we need your money to spread the word of Jesus and build more advanced deflector shields for our galactic cruiser." "Call now, and we'll give you this free pin." "You got 'em, Marvin." "Yeah, now finish 'em off." "Warning: deflector shields failing." "Where did that come from?" "Good." "Now get them in our tractor beam." "Now, we've got 'em." "It's Sally Struthers." "Well, it appears they'll be going back to Ethiopia, so we can go on to the aliens." "Sorry, Marvin... we tried..." "Wait." "Ms. Struthers?" "Ms. Struthers?" "Oh?" "Ms. Struthers, please, just listen to me for one second." "You started the Feed the Children Foundation for wonderful reasons: to help starving, helpless people who lived in a rotten part of the world." "Well, it's for those reasons we want to help our friend Marvin now." "Ms. Struthers, don't forget the gift we gave you- the child in carbonite." "Ms. Struthers, you helped so many people, and you taught us that helping people is what life is all about." "All we want to do... is be like you." "She bought it." "Sally Struthers is saving us." "Now, now, stay with me on this one folks, uh..." "Sally Struthers has a Tiberian junker which is, uh, the favored ship of the Huts, and she has trapped our-our-our new CBC ship in a, uh... positronic tractor beam, uh, so we're going to need a ionic tractor disrupter." "Now, n-not a regular ionic tractor disrupter, but a negative ionic tractor disrupter, to, uh, help spread the word of Jesus." "I look like a idiot up here." "Now's our chance." "Wait" " I remember." "It was the red button." "They've opened the wormhole." "It's pulling us in." "Please, please, please, we are confused." "You must explain one-at-a-marklar." "Alien friend, we are here to spread the word of Jesus." "He died for your sins." "Who, Marklar?" "We brought Marvin and his people to live here, but these buttholes followed us." "Brought M-Marklar?" "What is Marklar?" "Here on Marklar, everyone and everything is referred to as marklar." "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Oh, no." "Watch this." "Hey, Marklar." "Yes?" "You see?" "Wait." "Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing..." "Marklar... these marklars want to change your marklar." "They don't want this marklar or any of his marklars to live here, because it's bad for their marklar." "They use Marklar to try and force marklars to believe their marklar." "If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars." "They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar." "These marklars have no good marklar to live on Marklar, so they must come here to Marklar." "Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars." "Young marklar, your marklars are wise and true." "What the hell did he say?" "Wow, good job, dude." "Thanks." "The marklars can stay." "All right!" "You marklars must leave." "But you will all burn forever in eternal hellfire." "Yes, that's nice." "Thank you for stopping by." "Well, Marvin, it was sure cool seeing you again." "No, we got to go." "Sally Struthers is going to give us a ride back to Earth." "Good-bye, Marvin." "Maybe we'll come and visit sometime." "Yeah, and maybe Jesse Jackson'll be president." "Dude." "What?" "We're not going to come visit him." "I know, but you don't tell him that." "Whatever." "?" "I am Chewbacca?" "?" "I am a Wookie?" "?" "I fight the Empire?" "?" "I fix the robots?" "?" "Don't you f'in' cross me?" "?" "I am Chewbacca?" "?" "In need of no one?" "?" "In want of nothing?" "?" "I am Chewbacca?" "?" "I have no home?" "?" "My home is where?" "?" "My spirit goes.?"