"Krieger:" "Okay, specs are all in the green." "So, let me just reboot the" "CPU, and..." "Beep boop, you are no longer a cripple." " Ray:" "One, two, three, Go Herd." " Krieger:" "Well?" "Ray:" "Well?" "Well, you could've done this weeks ago!" " So it's about goddamn time!" " Krieger:" "Ooh, hang on a sec?" "[Ray yells]" " Yeah, touchy thing, bionics." "You were saying?" " Ray:" "Thank you." " Krieger:" "No, what were you saying like you meant it?" " Ray:" "Thank you, Krieger," " for once again giving me the precious gift of legs." " Krieger:" "You're welcome." "Ray:" "Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch." "Malory:" "Ha!" "Perfect, this is absolutely perfect." " Cherlene!" " Cyril:" "Ow!" "God!" "Come on!" " Lana:" "Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby." " Malory:" "Oh, shut up." "Cher..." " Cherlene:" "What?" "!" "Goddamn, woman, inside voice!" " Malory:" "How... would you, my little country songbird, like to be on Travis County Limits?" " Cyril:" "Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits?" " Malory:" "It's comparable," " hush." "Cherlene?" " Cherlene:" "I don't know." "I guess." "Malory:" "You... would be wonderful, and it would be wonderful publicity, and..." " wonderful." " Cherlene: [groans] All right." "When is it?" "Malory:" "Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today." "I don't want you" " flying the same day you're performing." " Cherlene:" "Oh, don't worry about that." " Malory:" "Well, but..." " Cherlene:" "Because Cherlene don't fly." "Malory:" "Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows what those tuberculars in coach are..." "Excuse me?" "!" " Cherlene:" "I don't fly." " Malory:" "I... but-but I've seen you fly." " Cherlene:" "Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly." " Lana:" "In a helicopter, the" " space shuttle..." " Pam:" "Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp?" " Oh, come on, we were all thinking it." " Archer:" "What, how are you all" " so goddamn loud?" " Lana:" "Could you not find a punch bowl?" "Archer:" "It was too heavy. [loud crashing nearby] [Woodhouse grunting] [grunting and crashing continues] [groans]" "Archer:" "And also too spilly." "Now, what's with all the yelling?" "Malory:" "I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and..." " Archer:" "Is that like...?" " Malory:" "It's comparable!" " But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly." " Archer:" "Wait, really?" "So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?" " Malory:" "Well, 36 but..." " Archer:" "But after we get a bus" " and a blocker car it'll be 24, right?" " Malory:" "What?" " Lana:" "Oh." "Oh, God, no." " Archer:" "Yes!" " Lana:" "Archer?" " Archer:" "Lana!" "Malory:" "Sterling!" "What are you talking about?" " Lana:" "Smokey and the goddamn Bandit." " Malory:" "What?" " Archer:" "We're going # Eastbound and down!" "#" " Malory:" "I will never understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds" " Smokey trucker nonsense." " Lana:" "I think part of it is because you didn't get him" " that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday." " Malory:" "Wha...?" "He was 30!" "5x05" " Archer Vice:" "Southbound and Down" " Lana:" "And words fail me." "I have no words." " Archer:" "How about" " ten-goddamn-four?" "!" " Malory:" "How about how much did this cost?" " Cherlene:" "How about a Jacuzzi, bitches?" "Woooooo!" " Archer:" "You know what they say..." " can't put a price on free advertising." " Malory:" "No, they don't," " and free this isn't." " Archer:" "Exactly." "How much are they" " paying Cherlene?" " Malory:" "It's public television, they don't pay anything." "All they do is suck money in." "They take our taxes..." " Lana:" "Or donations, whatever." " Malory:" "Of pre-tax dollars from pot-taking" "Bolshevik lesbian couples!" "Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants, launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back" " out to pro-abortion, super-PACs!" " Lana:" "Still no words. [Pam grunting]" " And, wow, maybe I have aphasia." " Malory:" "Where do you think you're going?" "Archer:" "She's driving the bus." "Mother, get on the bus." " Lana, you're riding with me." " Lana:" "In what?" "[tires screeching]" "Archer:" "In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle." " Malory:" "The what?" " Lana:" "Okay, first of all..." " Malory:" "How much did that cost?" " Archer:" "Well, again, it's advertising, so..." " Malory:" "For what?" " Archer:" "Hmm, I guess Pontiac?" " Malory:" "God." " Archer:" "And where are you going?" "Lana:" "Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in" " a car with T-tops and a four-barrel." " Archer:" "Wha..." "Who's gonna do snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction?" "I'm so angry right now I can't even... [sniffs]" "Oh, goddamn it!" "Did you fart in that?" "[Pam laughing]" " Lana:" "Damn it, Cyril, slow down!" " Malory:" "Cyril, do nothing of the sort!" "Because if we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions." " Lana:" "Are you ever?" " Malory:" "She said, single and" " pregnant." "Oh, wait." " Cyril:" "Can you two please go... anywhere else?" "It's bad enough I have to drive 24 hours straight." "Lana:" "Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project." " Ray:" "This quit being funny two hours ago!" " Krieger:" "It's not supposed to be funny." "Malory:" "So shut up and drive the damn bus!" "Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal." " Lana:" "Right, and your 10 percent of it." " Malory:" "Or 50 or whatever." " Lana:" "What?" " Cyril: 50, really?" "Lana:" "Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?" " Nothing?" " Cyril:" "Meh." "Malory:" "And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything when the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took what little I had left, so now I need to make it back somehow." "And I'm not doing that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling, who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying." "Archer:" "Hey, so..." "yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's holding down the talk-button thingy?" " Cyril:" "Uh... oh!" "Uh, sorry, Archer." " Lana:" "Exactly the opposite" " of how it works." " Cyril:" "What?" "Oh." " Uh, sorry, Archer. [Archer sighs]" " Archer:" "Ten-ten-four, good buddy." " Malory:" "Sterling?" " Cyril:" "Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow!" " Ow!" "Whose ring is that, the Pope's?" "!" " Pam [laughing]:" "Ouch!" " Archer:" "Shut up." " Pam:" "Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard her say that." "That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack." "Archer:" "Well, I guess it would be, if A:" "I weren't the world's greatest spy." " Pam:" "Eh." " Archer:" "Shut up, and B:" "If they weren't sitting on a" " hundred pounds of coke." " Pam:" "What?" "!" " Archer:" "Affirmatory, good buddy!" " Pam:" "Holy dickburn!" "So you got a buyer lined up" " in Texas and everything?" "!" " Archer:" "Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on." "We're talking about Texas." "Somebody, somewhere, wants enough" " cocaine to forget they live there." " Pam:" "Yeah, but not 100 pounds." "Archer:" "Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide." "Pam:" "Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to." " Archer:" "Jesus, Pam, I was kidding." " Pam: [laughs] Duh, me too, lickbag." "Archer:" "Well, but see if there is one, just" " for shits and giggles." " Pam:" "Um, so, hey, speaking of..." "Archer:" "The hat fart was technically a shart?" "[laughs]" " How are you still single?" " Pam:" "Right?" "[chomps] [belches]" "Lana:" "Cyril!" "[Cyril screams] Goddamn it!" " Cyril:" "I'm-I'm sorry!" " Malory:" "What the hell is going on up here?" "!" " Cyril:" "I must've dozed off!" " Lana:" "Really?" "You don't just hate signs?" " Cyril:" "No, Lana, I don't ha..." "Ow!" " Lana:" "In addition to sushi, booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes!" " So stay awake!" " Cyril:" "I'm trying, but 18 hours?" " I don't know how Pam's doing it." " Lana:" "Seriously?" "Pam:" "Woooooo!" "[laughs]" "[Archer yells] Archer:" "What the...?" "!" " Pam:" "Hey, sleepyhead!" "Welcome to Texas!" " Archer:" "Already?" " What the shit, Pam?" "!" " Pam:" "That's how we do backseat drivers." " Archer:" "I was driving!" " Pam:" "Yeah, and sucking at it." " Archer:" "Goddamn it!" "How long was I out?" " Pam:" "Like, 12 hours?" "Five states, dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops." "Trucker [over CB]:" "Uh, breaker breaker, you got your" " ears on, Snowball?" "Come back." " Pam:" "Hang on." "Archer:" "Your handle is Snowball?" "!" "Like Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse?" "!" " Pam:" "Who?" " Archer:" "Oh." "Is it from from the cupcake?" " Pam:" "Cupcakes?" "Oh!" "[laughs] Oh, no." " Archer:" "Then what's it...?" "Pam:" "Truck stops... are crazy awesome!" "This is Snowball, good buddy." " Trucker:" "You might wanna check your six, Snowball." " Archer:" "Ew, is that about the shart?" "!" " Pam:" "Wha...?" "No, lickbag!" " Archer:" "It was a reasonable assumption." " Pam:" "What the...?" " Trucker:" "Looks like you got" " a chain gang knocking on your back door." " Archer:" "Bikers?" " What the hell do they want?" " Cyril:" "I think they want us to pull over." " Malory:" "Obviously, you idiot!" "Why?" "!" " Cherlene:" "Kidnapping!" "It's a kidnapping, it's a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene!" " Lana:" "Why would bikers want to kidnap you?" " Malory:" "Why would anyone?" " Cyril:" "Yeah, you're not even famous." " Cherlene:" "Yet!" "Duh!" " Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr." "Now pull over!" " Lana:" "We are not..." "Cherlene:" "Hey, treebeard!" "Take me with you!" "You can do unspeakable" " things to and/or on me!" "I... [shrieks]" " Lana:" "You are not getting" " kidnapped just to boost your singing career!" " Malory:" "Well, now wait a minute." "Archer:" "Wait a minute!" "Did you tell anybody" " we were hauling a shitload of coke?" "!" " Pam:" "Uh... [phone rings]" " Mmm... maybe." " Archer:" "Maybe?" "!" " Pam:" "Or definitely." "Or whatever." " Archer:" "Goddamn it, Pam!" " Pam:" "I wanted people to like me." " Archer:" "People who like you because you have cocaine aren't people you want as friends, Pam." "And not to sound elitist, but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower!" "Pam:" "It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or..." "Archer:" "Wow!" "I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow just got even angrier!" " Pam:" "What the heck are you looking for?" " Lana:" "Gun!" " Gun-gun-gun-gun!" "Cyril look out!" " Cyril:" "No!" "[all yelling]" " Cyril:" "Oh, God!" "[bikers scream]" " Pam:" "They're shooting at them!" "Archer:" "And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam," " but somehow, I can't find my gun!" " Pam:" "Huh." " Malory:" "For the love of God, just pull over!" " Cyril:" "Uh, okay." " Lana:" "Cyril, do not stop this bus!" " Cyril:" "Okay!" "Malory:" "Let's just give them Cherlene." "That is the very definition of a win-win!" " Cherlene:" "Yes!" " Lana:" "No!" " Cherlene:" "Why do you always ruin everything for me?" "!" " Lana:" "Why do you always never shut up?" "!" "Archer:" "Because where the hell is my gun?" "!" "Pam:" "Are you, like, sure you brought it?" "[gunfire, both scream]" " Lana:" "Ugh!" "Move!" "[Cyril gasps]" " Malory:" "Oh, shut up." "Lana:" "Seriously." "[tires squeal, horns blare] [bikers scream]" "Archer:" "Where's my gun, Pam?" "!" "What, did you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?" "!" "Pam:" "Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps." "And apparently I'm not good at it." "[Pam screams]" " Cyril:" "Lana, Lana, Lana!" " Lana:" "Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs!" "[biker screams]" "[Lana chuckles] Lana:" "Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll!" " Shit!" "[all scream, tires screech]" " Archer:" "Because even a goddamn baby knows, in craps, you never bet on the hard ways!" "Ow!" " Oh shi..." " All: ...it!" "[both screaming]" " Pam:" "You mad?" " Archer:" "Give ya three guesses, Pam." "Pam:" "No?" "No?" "No?" "Archer:" "Wrong, Pam." "Although I bet I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be" " when I tell her this was all your fault!" " Pam:" "Aw, come on, Archer," " don't do that!" "That's not what good buddies do!" " Archer:" "Okay, first of all," " you have wildly misjudged our relationship!" " Lana:" "Archer!" " Archer:" "Lana!" " Pam:" "Yeah, you're one to talk." " Archer:" "And you're lucky I don't have my gun!" " Malory:" "And just why the hell don't you?" "!" "Archer:" "Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam!" " Pam:" "Oh, come on, please?" " Archer:" "I...!" "[groans]" " I-I didn't think I would need it." " Cherlene: [gasps] You didn't think?" "!" "Well, it's a good damn thing I ain't paying you to think!" "Archer:" "Yeah, you're not actually pay..." "Ow!" "Cherlene:" "The quite-soon-to-be-number-one country singer in America?" "!" "And you don't think I'm a kidnapping risk?" "!" " Archer:" "Wait... you do?" "Ow!" " Lana:" "Yeah, you know," "I'm with Archer." "I think those bikers just wanted to rob us, or..." "Pam:" "What?" "!" "I mean, that's just absolutely crazy." "We have nothing." "Malory:" "Well, I would like to revisit this whole kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has" " a show in two hours and we've still got..." " Cyril:" "I think about a hundred miles." "Lana:" "And one extremely flat tire, so... [screams]" "Cherlene:" "Fix it!" "I will be on my tour bus" " putting whiskey and glue inside me." " Malory:" "You heard her." "Fix it." "Pam:" "Yeah, you guys chill on the bus." " I'll help lickbag here change the tire." " Malory:" "Oh, my God." "Pam:" "Sorry, I had to sell it." "Chop-chop!" "Get the lead out, lickbag!" "Archer: [sighs] And what's with the "lickbag" stuff?" "[laughing] It's your CB handle!" "I told it to everybody from here to Kentucky!" "[clicks tongue] Good buddy. [chomps]" "Archer: [grunting] Whew!" "Okay, that's got it." " Malory:" "Well, it took you long enough." " Archer:" "Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes" " start to finish, what an incompetent boob." " Malory:" "Your words." " Archer:" "You know..." " Cherlene:" "Rrrgh!" "Can we freaking go already?" "!" "Pam:" "Yeah, whatcha waiting for, lickbag?" "[belches] [engine accelerating, tires squealing] [freestyle scatting]" " [clears throat] Ten-four." " Lana:" "So, I think we may have a problem." "Archer:" "Yeah, no shit." "I keep waiting for her to have a heart attack, but..." " Lana:" "Not Pam." " Pam:" "Yay!" " Lana:" "The cops." " Pam:" "Boo." " Archer:" "Oh, shit!" "[siren wailing]" " Lana:" "Yeah, I'm gonna pull over." " Malory:" "No!" "No!" "Curtain is in ten minutes!" " Lana:" "What do you want me to" " do, run from the cops?" " Malory:" "I want you to take that exit for the venue." "Let Sterling deal with this in that ridiculous blocker car." "Archer:" "Yeah, good, you guys get out of here;" " we'll lure them away and outrun them." " Pam:" "In this shit-heap?" " Are you nuts?" "!" " Archer:" "Are you?" "You want them to get" " pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine?" " All:" "What?" "!" " Archer:" "Or kilos, or whatever." " Malory:" "You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus" " without my permission?" "!" "Sterling?" "!" " Lana:" "You have to press the button." " Malory:" "The what?" " Lana:" "Oh, for..." "You dated" " Burt Reynolds!" " Pam:" "They don't have the coke, lickbag!" " We do!" "Right here in the Trans Am!" " Malory:" "Oh." "Well, then problem solved." "[sirens wailing] Archer:" "So, I have a question." "Pam:" "I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that..." "Archer:" "That because of your fat, blabbering mouth Lana would get caught with it and have to have her baby in prison?" "Or because you were low on cupcakes?" "!" "[tires squealing] Pam:" "Does the why really matter?" "Cherlene: ♪ Eastbound and down ♪ ♪ Loaded up and trucking' ♪" "♪ We gonna do what they say can't be done ♪" "♪ We got a long way to go ♪ ♪ And a short time to get... ♪" "Pam:" "Yeah!" "Check it out, lickbag!" " Cherlene wrote a song about us." " Archer:" "What?" "She didn't write a..." " That's from Smokey and the..." "Goddamn it!" " Pam:" "Oww!" " What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?" "!" " Archer:" "Now both of our cars are messed up!" "I just leveled the playing field!" " Pam:" "Oh, my God, I can't feel my face!" " Archer:" "Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got" " anything to do with your cocaine-only diet!" " Pam:" "Well, it's a small price to pay for beauty!" "[gun clicking] [gunshot]" " Archer:" "Damn it!" " Pam:" "Man, and here you are without your gun." " That's pretty ironic, huh?" " Archer:" "No, Pam, once again you're confusing the word ironic with "you are an idiot"." "What's ironic is that every other store" " we drive by is a gun shop!" " Pam:" "Oh." "Okay, so then what's satire?" "Archer:" "Nobody really knows!" "Hang on!" "[tires squealing]" "And then back up a sec." "You're endangering your life for beauty?" "Pam:" "Yes, duh." "Look, how hot am I now?" "Let me answer that for you." "As balls." "That's why everybody likes me now." "Archer:" "Who, your trucker buddies?" "!" "They only like you because" " you have coke, Pam." " Pam:" "Well, and the snowballs, but..." "Archer:" "And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were." " [gunshot] Pam:" "Really?" " Archer:" "Well, we hated you less." " You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole." " Pam:" "Yeah, with ginormous big tittays." "Archer:" "Oh, for..." "Pam, who cares?" "That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue." "Albeit a shitload of it." " But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose." " Pam:" "Aw, you want to bang me?" "[gunshot] Archer:" "Obviously!" "I mean look at those big bastards!" "Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though." " Pam:" "Prison?" "But it's my first offense." " Archer:" "Well, except for treason, but explain all that to the Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll..." "Pam:" "Wait a minute, we're in Travis county." "Why does their car" " say Brazos county?" " Archer:" "Give you three guesses!" " Pam:" "Crooked cops?" " Archer:" "Yes!" " Pam:" "Hang on, I still got two..." " Archer:" "Pam, get the coke!" "Pam:" "Yeah!" "Holy coke snacks." " Enable the shit out of me!" " Archer:" "What?" " Not to snort, you idiot!" " Pam:" "Well, I don't want to shoot it." " That seems like a pretty slippery slope!" " Archer:" "Pam, any cocaine is a slippery slope!" "It's the world's most addictive drug." " Pam:" "Hang on, I heard it was nicotine." " Archer:" "It may very well be, Pam,  but in our current situation I would argue that cocaine is more dangerous, because we're about to get murdered for it!" "[gunshots]" " [tires squealing] Pam:" "Yeah, but not overall..." " They don't want us," " they just want the coke, so throw it out!" " Pam:" "Of the car?" " Archer:" "Pam!" " Pam:" "Jeez, okay!" "But you're gonna owe me!" " Archer:" "What could I possibly owe you?" "!" " Pam:" "I believe there was some" " mention of bone-throwing?" " Archer:" "Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win." "Charlene: # I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run!" "# [screaming] [sirens stop]" "Cherlene:" "Woo-hooo!" "Thank you!" "Good night, Travis County!" "There will be no encore!" "Woooooo!" "[crowd booing]" " Malory:" "Wait, what?" " Cherlene:" "Outlaw country!" "Malory:" "No, no, no, you don't walk off after one song; you get back out there this instant." " What are you doing?" " Cherlene:" "Uh, it's called cultivating mystique?" " Malory:" "But..." " Cherlene:" "It's also called sniffing a shit-ton of glue in my tour bus hot tub" " because I personify outlaw country?" " Malory:" "The..." " Cherlene:" "Outlaw country!" "Woooooo!" " Tony:" "Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records, and I want to make that little gal famous." "Are you her manager, Mrs...?" " Malory:" "Oh, no, it's actually Ms...." " Lana:" "It's actually Mrs." " Malory:" "Will you put..." " Wait, genuinely doesn't matter." "Give me a call when y'all are ready to make some gold records." "Yee-haw!" "[slaps]" " Malory:" "Ooh!" "Well, that went better than expected." " Lana:" "Yeah, maybe you can use the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail." " Cyril:" "I actually don't think you can." " Archer:" "Plus there's no need." " Lana:" "Wait, what?" " Malory:" "Sterling!" "Archer:" "Yeah, no, everything is, uh, totally fine now, and we totally got away." "So, all set." "Malory:" "Yes, but how?" "The police were right behind you." "Archer:" "Which is right where I wanted them, so I could go old school Bandit." " With an inverted triple Needham." " Malory:" "Well, it was your own fault for bringing cocaine without asking, but I suppose all's well that ends well." " Pam:" "Well, except for..." " Archer:" "Pam?" " All's well that ends well?" " Pam:" "Oh, right." "But what about the hundred pounds of coke you dumped on the highway?" " Malory:" "What?" "!" " Archer:" "Pam!" "Balladeer:" "Looks like old Snowball done it again!"