"I promise to love you every moment until the end of all time." "Oh, he's so cute!" "Well, this isn't very good." "So, I mean, is Bella a zombie?" "She's always just, like, standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead." "Shh!" "Quiet!" "Eh, sorry, sorry." "I will fight for you till your heart stops beating, and then I will still love you, and then I will keep loving you till the end of time." "How come everybody whispers in these movies?" "Eh, they're probably embarrassed." "What do you think?" "You know, maybe?" " Shh!" "Shut up!" " Oh, sorry." "Hey, Beavis, check this out." "I will fight for you until your heart stops beating." "Can I have some of your popcorn?" "Oh, my god." "I said, shut up!" "Damn it." "Hey, we want our money back, butthole." "Yeah, yeah." "You snuck in!" "Uh..." "Oh, yeah." "Okay, now I'm sure you're all familiar with the Twilight series." "You see, the Twilight series follows in the noble footsteps of some of the great romantic literature we'll be studying..." "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein," "Bram Stoker's Dracula..." "How come chicks like that crap?" "Yeah, I never understood it." "Well, Butt-Head, vampires, werewolves, and, actually, all of the classic undead characters are true antiheroes." "They have conquered death and are touched by evil, so they are forbidden, which, of course, makes them virtually irresistible to women." "Hey, Beavis, we should become vampires and werewolves." "Yeah, yeah." "Hey, so, like, how do you become a vampire?" "Yeah, butthole." "Well, the unifying romantic mythos is that to join the undead, you must first be bitten by the undead." "Is that all?" "Well, that should be easy enough." "Get the binoculars, Beavis." "Uh, Beavis, Butt-Head?" " We're gonna score." " Yeah, yeah!" "I will be a Denizen of The Night." "We'll be back, ladies." "Yeah, yeah!" "Yeah, fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Yeah, that's a lot of fire." "Yeah, yeah!" "You know, I might read more if they put fire behind the words like this." "Yeah." "Maybe if there was some way to set books on fire while I was reading 'em..." "I could read and look at the fire." "That would be cool." "I like some fire." "You sure do." " Yeah." " Uh, is this 16 and Pregnant?" "No, no, no, no." "I've seen all of those." "Yeah." "Plus, she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, Teen Mom, season three." "'Cause I've seen all of season one and two." "She's a lousy mom." "Um, is this Florida?" "Uh..." "Yep, that's Florida." "Florida sucks." "She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video." "Yeah, that's messed up." "What kind of parents would let their kids be in this video?" " Yeah." "They're, like, "okay, son, now, there's gonna be some scary monsters and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're, like, uh..." "One and a half."" "Yeah, "you're one now."" "It's time you start pulling your weight around here."" "Butt-Head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do." "Eh..." "Oh, yeah." "He looks cool." "He should get, like, a gray t-shirt with AC/DC on it." "Then he would kick ass." "Hey, baby, don't go too far." "We're gonna be vampires pretty soon." "I don't see any vampires, Butt-Head." "Uh, that's probably 'cause it's too bright out here." "But remember, any undead will get us chicks." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I wanna be a mummy." "Wait a minute, um, do they even bite?" "Whoa." "Shut up, Beavis." "Look..." "A werewolf." "Let me see!" "Let me see!" "Oh!" "That's definitely a werewolf!" "Yep, that's a werewolf all right." "Don't screw this up, Beavis." "Let me do the talking." "How come there aren't any, like, women in his lair?" "They're probably out doing his bidding." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Soon they will do our bidding!" "Women?" "Women!" "Let me tell you something about women." "They're all right." "They're fine when they don't know what's happening." "I won't talk if you don't listen to me." "You don't listen to me." "You don't listen to me!" "Uh, thank you, o great master, for sharing your wisdom." "But, uh, we were wondering, like, if you could, like, bite us." "Yeah." "Me too." "Yeah." "You got a dollar?" "Uh, we have gum." "I like me gum!" "Ow!" "Cool." " Ow!" " Ow!" "Aah!" "Ugh." "You don't have to go crazy." " Ow." " Ow." "Okay, okay, that's enough!" "I like me gum!" "Damn it, that hurt." "Don't worry, Beavis, It'll be worth it." "And now let the transformation begin." "Hey there." "How we doing today?" "We got a complaint called in, Henry." "Are you biting people again?" "Yes, sir." "But they asked me to do it." "Yeah, it looks like we're gonna have to run him in." "This guy has Hep-C and god knows what else." "Make sure to put your gloves on." "Are we werewolves yet?" "It is working." "I think the transformation is complete." "That's nice." "Whoa!" "Look at your face." "Whoa." "Your arms look cool." "Well, let's go get some girls." "Owooooo..." "Owoooo..." "Yeah." "Owooooo..." "We're working at a pizzeria in Florence." "When I'm 80 years old and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza and they ask me, "oh, where'd you make pizza?"" ""Bitch, I made it in Florence."" "If she's gonna call her grandkids "bitch"..." ""You're the best grandma ever, grandma Jwoww."" "Yeah, please don't hit us again." "Hey, are uncle Juice-Head and grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?" ""Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?"" "Yeah, tell us that story, bitch." "Like, I don't speak italian." "How am I the [bleep] supposed to know how to cook a pizza?" "Yeah, she doesn't speak italian." "She's an indian." "Yeah, check out the headdress." "Come on." "Snooks made the first pizza pie." "It came out pretty good." "I mean, if Snooki could do it, we all can do it." "Right?" "You know what I mean?" "Right?" "You know what I mean?" "Hot salami, okay?" " She loves hot salami." " Yeah, she does." " She loves hot salami." " Vinny, shut up." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "She loves hot salami." "He... he... he means schlong." "You saying she a slut-ah?" "That's good to know." "Now let's get back to making pizza." "I DJ." "I spin records." "I could spin pizza." "That's my job." "Oh, I get it, yeah." "He... he spins records." "And records are round, just like the dough, so he can spin the dough, see?" "I mean, you know, it's not funny but, um, but, you know, I get it." "Damn it, this is like another one of those episodes where they don't have sex and they don't fight." "And there's just way too much deena." "Owoooo..." "Owoooo..." "Being a werewolf hurts my bones." "Ow." "Yeah, it makes my eyes hurt." "It's all gonna be worth it when we're scoring." "Owoooo..." "Whoa, look!" " Whoa." " Yes!" "See, Beavis, those chicks are checking us out." "Oh, my god." "Let's just avoid 'em." "No, we should probably call a homeless shelter." "It's working!" "Whoa." "The master was right." "We are ready." "Our powers have summoned these chicks." "Finally." "Here they come." "I am willing them this way." "Hey, baby." "I will fight for you until your heart stops beating." "We need to get these guys to the hospital." "Owoooo..." "Wow, gangrene, gonorrhea, staph, MRSA," "Hepatitis A, B, and C?" "It's amazing these two are even alive." "Yeah, I know they're medical marvels and all that, but I really don't want to change their catheter again." "I swear, they start giggling." "They're in deep comas." "That's not possible." "Deep." "Call 911 now!" "Whoa!" "That's cool." "Yeah." "Yeah, that child molester just messed with the wrong preschooler." "Yeah." "Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?" "Oh, he's a child molester, believe me." "Every child molester I've ever met looks just like that." "Uh, I think maybe this is supposed to be her dad." "He's like, "never should have sent that kid to Hogwarts."" "Yeah, really." "Call 911 now!" "Uh, that's really cool and everything, but how come he doesn't just call 911 himself?" "Yeah, who's he telling to call 911?" "And then, what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?" "Yeah, it'd be like, "uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see Smurfs again, and then she, like, started warping space and time."" "Megan, you've meant so much to me these past few weeks." "This has been so much harder than I thought it would be." "What a wuss!" "Yeah, really." "How come chicks are into this dude, anyway?" "And going fishing with your dad was the first time I've been able to relax during this whole thing." "Wuss." "Aah!" "What is this?" "Hey, Butt-Head, um, somebody put, like, a vegetable or something in my chili dog." "I think it's an onion." "Megan, I'm sorry, but I won't be giving you a rose this evening." "Tear-Jerker." "Ugh." " Whoa!" "You're crying!" " No, I'm not!" " You're crying like a girl!" " No way!" "I am not, damn it!" " You're moved." " I am not moved!" "Shut up!" "I don't know what it is." "This is amazing." "Uh, addicted to porn?" "Cool." " Yeah, yeah." " Porn allows me to enjoy women without having to deal with their real-life drama." "It's one of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno..." "keep it luxurious." "This guy kicks ass!" "Set the alarm for 2:21, get up and watch a little porno." "Yeah." "Good morning, grandma." "I live with my grandmother." "What's happening today?" "I'm looking for a job on craigslist right now." "I don't see why he needs to get a job." "It's, like, he's got a car and a place to live, and he's fat." "Yeah, yeah, really." "I'd rather look at porn than look at jobs." "Damn it, the porn's all blurry." "Today I have a job interview for the first time in a while." "Uh, where's he gonna get a job?" "I definitely don't want to be 30 and living in my grandma's house." "He could get, like... he could get a job washing dishes with one hand." "Mowing the lawn with one hand." "What to do?" "Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn." "Porn, porn, porn, glasses, porn, porn, porn..." "Gas up the car, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn." "How are you guys doing?" "Go visit with dad, porn, porn, porn." "Porn, porn." "Oh, there's my sisters." "Porn, porn, porn, porn." "Hi, dad." "Porn!" "Porn." "He's, like, watched so much porn he's starting to look like a schlong." "Pornography usually takes up all my time, but..." "Pornography?" "What's that?" "Uh, I think that's, like, the study of porn." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, this guy is a pornologist." "Yeah, really." "Porn, porn, porn." "Ahh, you know what would be good right now?" "Porn." "Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn." "So, like, yesterday you were crying." "Shut up, Butt-Head!" "I was not." "Damn it." "That's why so many readers find atticus' speech so moving." "It's one of the..." "Uh, Mr. Van driessen?" "I bet Beavis was really moved by it." "Cut it out, Butt-Head." "'Cause yesterday..." "I saw him crying." "No, I wasn't!" "I was not!" "It's okay to be touched, Beavis." "Yeah, Beavis was touched." "Shut up!" "I was not crying, Butt-Head." "Hey, guys, what's up?" "Uh, hey, Stewart, have you heard the news?" "Shut up, Butt-Head." "No." "What?" " Beavis was crying." " Shut up!" "I was not!" "I was not crying." "I wasn't." "Something happened to my eyes." "It was, like, that onion." "Uh, attention, everyone." "Beavis was crying." "Damn it, I was not crying!" "Whoa." "Hey, Butt-Head." "Remember that movie where that slut from Sex and The City was, like, a mannequin?" "Uh, yeah." "I was just thinking, like, um, that would be cool if, like, um, a hot mannequin, like, came back to life and..." "Damn it, Beavis, quit changing the subject." "You were crying." "Stop it!" "Shut up!" "It's okay to be touched, Beavis." " Damn it, shut up!" " Wuss." "I was not crying!" "Butthole!" "You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds!" "Are there any questions?" "Uh, I have a question." "What happens if Beavis starts crying?" "Agh!" "I was not crying!" "I was not crying!" "I'm gonna kick your ass!" " Beavis!" " You were crying." "You will beat the crap out of Butt-Head on your own time!" "Don't yell at him too hard." "He might start crying." " Let me go!" " Hey!" "I'm gonna kill you!" " Here come the waterworks." " Let me at him!" " It's okay, Beavis." " Ah, damn it!" "It's all right to cry." "Crying takes the sad out of you." " Damn it!" " Wuss." "Agh, I was not crying!" "This is, like, the same dance they did in Party Rock Anthem, except they're, like, pretending they're choking their chickens while they're doing it." "I like it." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, you know, they're like, um, growing as artists or something." "You know, um, I thought like, um, that the economy sucks, and that, like, nobody has a job, and, um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere." "Uh, I heard they have, like, a really rich dad, and then that one tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and then, like, their grandpa is, like, the same guy," "so they don't care." "Whoa, really?" "Yeah." "It's too bad we weren't born as them." "Yeah, you know, um, you know, why is that?" "Um, how come we were born as us?" "Uh..." "I don't know." "It's not fair." "Good news, guys." "We saved the community center." "Let's all dance." "My biscuits." "Who ate my biscuits?" "I don't know." "Hey, Beavis." "What?" "You were crying." "I was not." "I was not crying." "I'm serious." "I was not crying, Butt-Head." "I'm not crying now either." "Heh, yeah." "Butthole."