"Have you lost some weight?" "I have, and thank you for noticing." "I thought so." "When you were bent over tying your shoes," "Your wallet didn't look like it was trying" "To bust out of your ass." "Do you, uh, always check out my behind when I'm bent over?" "Well, I try to look every other way," "But that thing is an Imax." "Well, regardless, I feel better, I got more energy..." "I don't know if you're aware of this," "But for a long time I struggled with a midday lag." "Well, if you're talking about that time between noon to 5:00," "When I drive and you sleep?" "Yeah, I've noticed." "Well, no more." "And the great thing is, I'm not dieting." "I eat whatever I want." "It's all about portion control." "Well, I been preaching moderation to you for years." "The stomach understood." "The ears weren't ready to listen." "Morning, gentlemen." "Hey, Samuel." "I'll have the French toast," "With hash browns and a large orange juice." "Mm, good choice." "And for you, big and bountiful?" "I will have a half a cup of grape-nuts," "Two inches of bacon," "And one silver-dollar pancake with a teaspoon of syrup." "Is he making a joke?" "I usually find more food than that under his chair." "Afraid not." "Okay." "Uh, would you like skim milk on your grape-nuts?" "No, whole milk." "Just a whisper." "I like my nuts crunchy." "You are certain my chain is not being yanked." "Huh." "You understand my suspicions, though, right?" "Just go get my food!" "So what you got going on tonight?" "Nothing, really." "I was thinking about asking molly out again." "Are you crazy?" "You can't ask a woman out on the same day." "Why not?" "'cause even if she's got nothing going on, she's gonna tell you" "She's got something going on, so you don't think she's got" "Nothing going on, when you call her and ask her what's going on." "So should I call her or not?" "Sure." "You got nothing going on." "Really?" "What are you doing tonight?" "Making fondue with your grandma?" "It's chili night." "You know, I was thinking maybe I'd ask molly to go bowling." "Bowling?" "Oh, you dog!" "I see the tender trap you're baiting." "What?" "It's just a second date." "I figured it would be a fun, no-pressure kinda deal." "Uh-huh." "And it has nothing to do with the fact that when it comes" "To bowling, you're a chunky, white Michael Jordan?" "It does not." "Not to mention a sight to behold" "In that pink and black shirt with the matching ball?" "You know, I won that ball in a police league tournament." "I built the ensemble around it." "You smooth-ass Casanova, you." "I'm not a Casanova." "I haven't even kissed this girl yet." "Forget kissing." "You're gonna be looking at a seven/ten split." "That schoolteacher ain't gonna know what hit her," "When she sees you treat those pins" "Like your ten little bitches." "Well, whether it goes that far or not," "I just want to show her a good time." "She lives at home with her mom and her sister." "I get the feeling she doesn't have" "A lot of excitement in her life." "Put the scissors down!" "No!" "No!" "I'm gonna cut it all off!" "No man is worth it." "He said he loved me." "He's married!" "He won't be after his wife gets my hair!" "Well, I finally got Sweeney Todd to bed." "How'd you manage that?" "I crushed up three xanax and put it in her teeth whitening tray." "You know, it's all my fault she's so fragile." "I was too hard on her growing up." "Too hard?" "You breastfed her till she was five." "I would've done the same for you," "Except you were eating corn on the cob before you had teeth." "Hello?" "Hey, Mike!" "Uh, not much." "Hanging with mom and sis." "Tonight?" "You can't leave!" "Watch me!" "Um..." "Bowling, yeah, that sounds fun!" "Your sister needs us now!" "Hang on." "Mom, she's doing this for attention." "It's the same reason she's got a webcam in her bathroom." "Fine." "But if you come home and find the coroner" "Snapping a toe tag on your sister," "Promise me you won't blame yourself." "Deal." "I love him." "I must go to him." "Oh, damn, it's awake." "Sure, that sounds fun!" "Great!" "7:00, I have to go!" "Listen." "Why don't I just bring you" "A whole order of french fries," "And you just eat 12 of them?" "If I could eat just 12," "This shirt wouldn't look like it was made in an awning store." "I tried that portion control diet once." "Yeah?" "How'd it go?" "Gained 14 pounds." "Three frickin' gummi bears at a time." "Actually, I'm having wonderful success with it," "And if I stay on track?" "I'm thinking next summer," "Shirtless at the beach!" "I'll bring the suntan lotion." "Just in case, bring a bucket and a paint roller." "That is quite an outfit." "I'm guessing you've done this before." "Well, I'm not gonna lie to you." "I'm a bit of a legend in these parts." "Oh, really?" "Well, maybe legend's too strong." "Folk hero." "I'm prepared to be impressed." "Me, I just did a little bowling in college." "Mostly as an excuse to drink." "Yeah, you know, a lot of people like" "To mix alcohol with a sport." "But I don't like my senses dulled." "Can't put beer goggles on the eye of the tiger." "Right." "You know, if you're ever interested in a couple of tips," "I'd be happy to help." "That'd be great." "All right." "First off, there's a lot of misconceptions about bowling." "It's not just about brute force." "It's about form, follow-through, and finesse." "The three fs, I like to call 'em." "Not to be confused with the three rs," "Reading, writing and 'rithmatic, which is your forte." "Now, the key to form" "Is keeping your wrist straight, okay?" "Key to a follow-through" "Is releasing the ball in a smooth, gliding motion." "Attaboy, mike!" "Ignore him." "What about finesse?" "Forget finesse for now, focus on fun." "Okay." "Hope I don't embarrass myself" "Hey." "We're just here to have a good time." "Nobody's gonna be embarrassed." "Oh, look!" "I knocked them all down!" "I'll be darned." "Was my form okay?" "Yeah." "I mean, uh," "You're still bending your wrist quite a bit," "But that goes away with practice." "Could I take another turn?" "Sure." "Maybe I'll get lucky again." "That's a very healthy attitude." "Boo-yah!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "That's good." "That's real good." "Where's my 12 french fries?" "Seriously, though, I don't feel right about taking your money." "No, no, I made the bet," "And you won, fair and square." "Sandbagger." "What?" "Nothing." "Hey, Samuel." "This is molly." "Molly, Samuel." "Oh." "Pleased to meet you, Samuel." "The pleasure is mine." "I heard the large man was seeing someone," "But I, of course, assumed you were imaginary." "That's funny." "Samuel's from Africa." "He came here to pursue the American dream" "And, apparently, to bust my balls." "What part of Africa are you from?" "I grew up in Senegal, but my mother's from France." "Do you speak french?" "Fluently." "I also speak Arabic, Wolof, and a little German." "Apparently, the only language he doesn't speak is "waiter."" "I speak a little German, too." "Uh, was ist los mit der hund ?" "Nicht viel, nur chillen." "I asked him, "what up, dawg""" "And he said, "not much, just chillin'""" "That's good." "You working tonight, or just doing a floor show?" "I'm sorry." "He gets grumpy when he doesn't get his tiny pancake." "So what are you doing here in the United States?" "I'm studying English literature at the university of Illinois." "Oh, I love English lit." "It's where I fell in love with Shakespeare." "Ah!" "Shakespeare." ""love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;" "And therefore is winged cupid painted blind."" ""nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste;" ""wings and no eyes, figure unheedy haste."" "Ah, screw it." "Whatever's on the grill, I'm eating." "Big man gets bitchy when he's hungry." "Keep a snickers bar in your purse." "So..." "What's next?" "You want to grab a drink somewhere?" "I don't think so." "You sure?" "You don't have to worry about" "Blurring the eye of the tiger anymore." "Yep." "Hey, we could just drive around a little." "It's a really beautiful night." "Well, you're a schoolteacher" "You see the beauty." "I see the crime," "The corruption, and the danger." "So what do you think's more dangerous:" "The coffee bean and tea leaf or the Gymboree?" "That's funny." "You should just go right here on wells." "It's a quicker way to get to my house." "'scuse me, I'm a Chicago police officer." "I know these streets like the back of my hand." "Okay." "Sorry." "I may not know how to quote Shakespeare," "But I know I can navigate the "city of the broad shoulders""" "Carl Sandburg." "Great Illinois poet." "I know." "I love his poems." "It's actually "city of the big shoulders."" "Broad is fine." "I mean, you get it." "Look, mike, if I've done anything to upset you" "Night." "Thanks!" "I had a nice time." "I guess you'll call me, right?" "okay." "You bowl like a girl!" "I can't live without him!" "I'm getting too old for this crap." "You and me both." "What I woudn't give for a girlfriend Or cinemax in my bedroom." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, no." "Come here." "What happened?" "It was a complete disaster." "Erectile dysfunction?" "No." "I didn't even kiss her good night." "So the penis is fine?" "As far as I know." "He's been hiding for the last couple hours." "Did you tie your shoes and give her the rear view?" "'cause I may have fudged its attractiveness" "Out of friendship." "Carlton, who was at the door?" "It's just mike, grandma." "Go back to bed." "Oh, hey, Michael." "How are you, baby?" "I'm all right, nana." "How are you?" "Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie." "What are you doing here, sugar?" "Carlton told me you had a date." "Uh, I did, but it ended pretty early." "Erectile dysfunction?" "'cause Carlton got some pills if you need them." "Uh, grandma, how many times" "Have I asked you to stay out of my room?" "Well, when you start doing your own laundry," "I will stay out of your room." "Until then, I go where I please." "Pays $200 a month in rent, and he gonna start" "Telling me where I can and cannot go." "Now, Michael, what happened with this girl?" "I don't know, we just didn't make a connection." "I see." "You didn't make a connection." "Yeah, you know, our world views don't jibe." "Your world views don't jibe." "Exactly." "Now, Michael, I'd like to see you in heaven, too," "But lying to an old lady ain't gonna get you there." "She beat me at bowling." "You're kidding me." "And I don't mean just beat me," "I mean she covered my ass in pledge" "And wiped the floor with it." "The bowling alley's your home court advantage." "Only place you got left to shine is house of pies." "Hush up, black Gilligan." "Continue, Michael." "It's not just that." "She was showing off and speaking in different languages." "You mean in tongues, like the Pentecostals?" "No, like french and German and Shakespeare." "Oh, good." "'cause I been to a tent revival" "And that mess will put you off Jesus." "So if I hear you correctly," "What's upsetting you is you had a date with" "A smart, capable young woman and it threatened your masculinity." "No!" "No." "Oh, Michael." "Why is it you boys get so intimidated by strong women?" "Want us all to just be dumb and grateful." "No, I don't want dumb." "I am a fan of grateful." "Please." "When's the last time you laid your eyes on grateful?" "Let me tell you something, Michael." "You got to embrace the beauty" "Of a strong, independent woman." "If it was me, I'd cut my losses and move on." "I guess we know why you're in the bathroom alone" "On a Friday night, shaving your head with my lady Schick." "And I pray to god that's all you were shaving." "Now, Michael, do you have feelings for this girl?" "Yeah, I guess I do." "Well, then you need to stop behaving like a petulant child," "Go back to her, tell her what's in your heart" "And how you really feel." "Ugh, really?" "Take it from me," "You show her that side of you" "And she will open up like a flower." "'cause there ain't nothing sexier in the world" "Than a secure man being honest with his woman." "Baby, you coming back to bed?" "Now, that man" "Is honest as the day is long." "And had he not been honest, I never would've" "Found out he was long." "God, I love your grandma." "You may not believe this now," "But you'll get over this man." "Yes, you will." "And you'll find somebody else." "Somebody sweet and kind and loving..." "And single." "I'd try single for the next one." "You know, just to shake things up a little bit." "Molly, your sister is hurting." "This is no time to play Monday morning quarterback." "She's had one of those, and he was married!" "She has been doing this her whole life." "She gets mixed-up with emotionally unavailable men" "And then wonders why they broke her heart." "He's not emotionally unavailable, he's an alcoholic." "There's a difference." "My mistake." "Oh, he's drunk and married." "That's a guy you can count on." "Why are you being so mean to me?" "Is she on a new diet?" "Yeah, I'm on the "not swallowing any more of your crap" diet." "Oh, mom, please, give her a cookie or something." "Molly, you need to calm down" "And just be supportive of your sister." "Are you kidding?" "That's all I ever do around here is support my sister." "What about me?" "Who supports me when I'm hurting?" "Why are you hurting?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe because I had a date with a guy I really liked" "A single guy-- and it was a complete train wreck." "Oh, well." "You'll be fine." "You're a rock." "I don't want to be the rock anymore." "Let somebody else be the rock!" "I want to be the hot one that gets taken care of" "And everybody wants to have sex with." "Oh, molly, it's not as glamorous as it looks." "It's really not." "Molly, I'm really sorry about how I behaved," "But you got to keep in mind that I'm a cop." "My life is on the line every day," "And that can wind a man up pretty tight." "So sometimes you get the teddy bear" "And sometimes you get the rattlesnake." "That's good." "Okay, let's do this." "Victoria, what are you doing" "With that hair spray and lighter?" "!" "Back off!" "Molly, code blue!" "What the hell is going on?" "I'm gonna set that bastard on fire and you can't stop me." "Oh, my god!" "Put it down!" "Step aside, ladies, I got this." "Mike, what are you doing here?" "Not now." "Let me do my job." "Victoria, give me the hairspray and the lighter." "No, he's got to pay!" "Listen, I understand you're upset," "But revenge is not the answer." "I loved him," "And he broke my heart!" "I understand, sweetie." "But sometimes we all suffer disappointment and humiliation." "Can't help it if I'm a good bowler." "You're a great bowler," "And I'll get back to you on that." "Listen, I know guys act really stupid sometimes." "I certainly did tonight." "Okay." "But that's not an excuse" "To turn some guy's face into burnt lasagna." "Okay?" "What it really is, is an opportunity" "To practice forgiveness." "So why don't you give me the lighter and we'll talk about it?" "Come on, Victoria, please?" "That a girl." "Hostage training at the academy." "Okay, now, listen-- oh!" "Get back in this house!" "That was really sweet." "I'll flush your eyes out when I get back." "Ah." "That's good, she still likes me." "Yes!" "Sorry, I get excited." "It's okay." "You're a wonderful bowler." "Well, in that case," "Boo-yah!" "That's how I roll!" "All right, all right, don't push the cute." "Where are we at?" "You're up, like, 38 pins, give or take." "Well, you can still turn things around." "Whatcha doing?" "I'm turning things around." "Attaboy, mike!"