"Mother." "Oh, hi, sweetheart." "Now, just what do you think you're doing?" "It's called vacuuming the draperies." "Excuse me." "Honey, I don't want you bending and stretching like that." "Not in your condition." "Well, I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine." "And I want to keep it that way." "I don't want you to lift a finger till the baby comes." " But Darrin..." " I don't mind you doing a little housework as long as you don't tax your strength." "But no bending and stretching." "You sit right down there." "I'm gonna bring you a glass of milk." "Samantha." "Turn it off." "That settles it." " We'll hire a maid." " What?" "Louise and Larry have a maid." "Esmeralda." "She's a jewel." "I appreciate the offer, but I don't want a maid." " Why not?" " Because I don't want a total stranger running my household." "She won't run it, honey." "She'll just help you run it." "After the baby comes, we'll have a built-in babysitter." "I'll call the agency and they'll send some girls for you to interview." " Darrin, I don't..." " Sam." "I'm concerned about the health and comfort of my wife and child." "You really mean that, don't you?" "Yeah." "All right." "All right, bring on the girls." "I'll interview them." "If I find one that doesn't frighten me, I'll hire her." " Thank you." " My pleasure." "I hope." " Mrs. Darrin Stephens?" " Yes." "I'm from the employment agency." "My name is Mrs. Luftwaffe." "Mrs. Luftwaffe?" "It's European." "Shall we be seated?" "Yes." "My terms are as follows:" "I do no cooking, washing, ironing or heavy cleaning." "I arise at 9 a.m." "I have Saturday and Sunday off." "I leave at noon on Friday and return at noon on Monday." "My room must have a colour television set." "And I reserve the right to choose my own wallpaper." "I see." "Now, about references..." "Yes." "I'll look at them now." "You want to see my references?" "From former housekeepers." "Well, I'm afraid there haven't been any." "That's bad." "I have a rule against working for beginners." " Well, in that case, I won't take..." " However if I decide you have possibilities, I might make an exception." "How do you decide if I have possibilities?" "I inspect how neat you keep your kitchen." "Well, I don't think that'll be necessary." "I'm sure I don't come up to your standards." "I'll be the judge of that." "Now, where is it?" " What?" " The kitchen." "Follow me." "Right that way." "Hi there." "I'm the maid from the employment agency." " You are?" " Yeah." "I always get that reaction at first." "I mean, just because a girl's a maid is no reason not to make the most of her appearance." " Right?" " I guess not." " And you certainly have." " Oh, thanks." "Hey, this is a groovy-looking house." "Yeah, real groovy." "It has a fun feeling about it, you know." " What does your husband do?" " He's in advertising." "Groovy." "Maybe he could cast me in a coast-to-coast commercial." "I'm very photogenic." "Here are references from the last five husbands I worked for." "Don't references generally come from the wives?" "Not in my case." "Somehow I always seem to establish better rapport with the husbands." " Isn't that funny?" " Hysterical." " Is your husband a good dancer?" " Groovy." " Would you like to see a picture?" " I'd adore it." "This is my Darrin." "Sweetie, it's nothing personal, but I do have other people to see." " Hi." " Hi." "I'm Naomi Hogan." "I'm a refined widow, and if the job is still open, I'll take it." "I have my own uniforms." "I love children, and I need the money." "How do you like me so far?" "So far, I like you just fine." "But I bet you'd like to know more about me." "Yes, I would." "Shall we be seated?" "Well, I was born in Cincinnati the eldest daughter of a poor but honest freelance upholsterer." " Mrs. Hogan..." " Oh, call me Naomi." "All right." "Naomi." "I wanted to know more about your experience as a housekeeper." "Yes." "I was afraid you would." "Why?" "Because lately my experience has been lousy." "Due to a clash of personalities I have lost five jobs in the past four weeks." "Clash of personalities over what?" "My general incompetence my inedible cooking and my nervous habit of breaking whatever I touch." "Well, you have one obvious virtue." " What's that?" " You're honest." "Oh, I'm also desperate." "See, I'm sending my son through medical school and if I don't get a job I won't be able to meet the deadline on next semester's tuition." "I'll clean, I'll scrub, I'll slave and I'll also sign a note at 10-percent interest for everything I break." " Naomi." " Yes, ma'am." " You're hired." " You're kidding." "So the drunk says to the gorilla, "Lady, don't brush me off just because you're wearing a mink coat."" "Why aren't you laughing, Louise?" "Dear, I've heard that joke at least 50 times." "And what's your excuse, Sam?" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Larry." "She was busy worrying about our new maid." "And I don't blame her." "We really should've postponed this till next week." "You don't have company the night you have a new maid." " You give her time to get adjusted." " Ridiculous." "If she came from the same agency that sent Esmeralda she's a seasoned veteran." "Samantha, why not go out and see how she's doing." "I know you're dying to." "Yes, I think I will." "Excuse me." "How you doing?" "Oh, dear, I'm sorry." "That's all right." "It was my fault." "I startled you." "Well, back to the old lettuce bin." "Have you followed my recipe for Parisian consommé?" "I tried to, but consommé isn't exactly my long suit." "I see what you mean." " Have you tasted it yet?" " No." "Not yet." "Maybe I'd better." "In your condition, it might not be safe." "No." "It just needs a little stirring." "See?" "That's terrific." "Thank you." " I mean, congratulations." " How about that." "I made Parisian consommé." "Let's see how well you did with the roast." "Is it too well-done?" "No." "No, not really." "You're just saying that to be nice." "It looks like a king-size prune." "It just needs a little basting." "What a baste." "Mrs. Stephens, that's the best roast I ever executed." "Well, it looks like dinner is all ready." "I'll seat the guests and you serve the consommé." "Yes, ma'am." "And, Naomi, keep up the good work." "Yes, ma'am." "Superb." "I may not know anything about cooking, but I know about eating." "And this entire meal was magnificent." " Amen." " Thank you." "You mean, thank Naomi." "Yes, thank Naomi." " Morning, Naomi." " Good morning." "Why are you here on your day off?" "I'm waiting for you to approve my estimate on what I cost you in breakage." "Five, 7, 9, 13, 19, 25, 8, 12, 21, 27." "Fourteen dollars and 75 cents." "I figure 5 bucks for cups and saucers $4 for ashtrays, 2.50 for plates." "Naomi, we're insured." "And even if we weren't, your son needs that money more than we do." "Mrs. Stephens, you're the kindest lady I ever worked for." " And the best homemaker." " Really?" "I can't explain it, but with you around to give me handy hints I can do things that I could never do before." " Want me to fix breakfast?" " No." "No, you run along and have a nice day." " Know what working for you is like?" " What?" "It's like all of a sudden, I found my good fairy." " Good morning, Naomi." " Good morning." " Today's your day off." " Yes." " I'm leaving as soon as I get my purse." " Well, have a good day." " Hello." " Darrin, Louise." "In trouble." "Esmeralda was called out of town because of illness in her family and tonight I'm having a formal dinner party for eight people including that big-shot new client, What's-His-Name." "Right." "H.J. Simpson." "Well, we know it's an imposition, but Larry and I wondered would you mind lending us Naomi for this evening?" "To cook that same wonderful meal we had with you." "We'd be happy to pay her $15." " Just a second." "Naomi." " Yes, sir." "Would you like to earn an extra $15?" "Oh, I'd love to." "My son, the medical student has to get a new pair of white shoes." "Mrs. Tate needs help with a party." "What time do you want her there?" " Oh, about 5:00." " Okay." "Five o'clock." " That's the address." " Thanks a million." "I'll go get a uniform." "It's all set, Louise." "We're not putting you out, are we?" "We really appreciate it." "Don't mention it." "It's Naomi's day off, so it won't make any difference to Samantha." "That's okay." "Have a nice party." " Do you still remember how to cook?" " I hope so." "So do I. Naomi sets a very high standard." "I may be very hard to please." " Who called?" " Louise Tate." " About what?" " Oh, Esmeralda had to leave town so she hired Naomi to pinch-hit on a formal dinner party for eight." "May I have my coffee, please, honey?" "Naomi!" "Naomi!" "Naomi?" "She's gone!" " What's the matter?" " Louise has to cancel that party." " She can't." " Why?" " It's in honour of a client." " Then she has to invite us." " Why?" " Because if I'm not there to give Naomi some handy hints the evening is going to be a fiasco." "Sam, will you please tell me what you're talking about?" " Do I have to?" " Yes." "Well, it's a long story." "And I have a feeling you're gonna hate every word of it." "Looks great, Darrin." "Thank you, Larry." "Larry, I've got a great idea." "Why don't you and Louise and Samantha and I have dinner tonight." "Sam must've told you Louise borrowed Naomi." " We're having guests for dinner." " Oh, that's a pity." "I was looking forward to seeing both of you." " Why?" " Just felt like it." "Well, maybe we'll go for a drive." "Darrin, I'm kind of busy." "Maybe we'll drive through your neighbourhood and drop in." " What for?" " A bite to eat?" "Darrin, I've already told you." "We're having dinner guests." "Larry, it's just as easy to cook for 10 people as it is for eight." "I don't get it." "Why are you hinting around to be invited to dinner?" "Well, we're very fond of Louise, and we don't see enough of her." "You saw her Friday night." "Yes, and she was so charming, we'd like to see her again." "Okay." "Why don't you come over to dinner a week from Sunday." "We're busy." "Why don't we come tonight." "Darrin, tonight is business." "I'm wining and dining old man Simpson and his son, old man Simpson Jr." "I know, and maybe he'd like to meet some other members of your staff." "The only member of my staff he's interested in is the man assigned to his account, Bob Chetley." "Why don't Bob and I change accounts?" "I'll take the Simpson account, and he can take..." " I finally understand." " You finally understand what?" " You're jealous of Chetley." " I'm not..." "Because I gave the Simpson account to him." " Larry, that's not true." " I think it is." "Look, may we come to dinner or not?" "You know, with a little work you could overcome this terrible shyness of yours." " Yes or no?" " No." "Don't beat around the bush." "Give me an answer." "Get out of here, Darrin." "Honey, I'll bet you a thousand dollars this doesn't work." "Darrin, don't be pessimistic." "You never know if something doesn't work until you try it." "All right." "Well, good evening." "Welcome to..." " I don't believe it." " Good evening, Larry." "Here's the book I borrowed last Christmas." "Thank you." "Do you always get this dressed up to return books?" " No..." " Not always." "Just occasionally." "As an expectant mother, I felt a craving for a formal dinner party." "Samantha, I admire you." "You do?" "I like a wife interested in her husband's career but don't push him too fast." "Darrin will be vice president when the time comes and not a moment before." "Good night." "Well." " Come on." " Where are we going?" "Home." "If Larry thinks we're bucking for a vice-presidency we're gonna stop trying to help him and let him drown in his own fiasco." "What time is it?" "Eight o'clock." "The Tate's kitchen must be a disaster area by now." "Good." " How's your pizza?" " Fine." " How's yours?" " Delicious." "The sweet pizza of revenge." "I..." "I forgot the napkins." " Naomi." " Yes." "If I didn't know how well things turn out this mess would make me very nervous." "Well, I'm not used to flying solo." "Somehow I feel much more confident when Mrs. Stephens is around." "Isn't this Parisian consommé a little thick?" "No." "You just have to stir it." "When Mrs. Stephens stirred it, it..." "There." "Very good." " What took you so long, honey?" " I put the coffee on." "On second thought, I think I'd rather have tea." "Naomi." "You burned it." "It looks like a king-size prune." "Well, it just needs to be basted." "Oh, it's hopeless." "Mrs. Tate." "Yes?" "What happened?" "You see?" "The secret's in the basting." "Where have you been?" "As if I didn't know." "Darrin, I just can't stand by idle." "Oh, yes, you can." "Larry Tate's getting exactly what he deserves." "But Louise isn't." "You're not a woman, so you don't understand." "One fiasco dinner party can open wounds that may never heal!" "It's worse than wearing slacks when everybody else is wearing dresses." " Darrin, please." " Please, what?" "Let me go back and help Naomi." "I promise I'll never use witchcraft again." "You will?" "Well, I'll promise to try and taper off." "Oh, I've got to get back before something drastic happens." "Just because I'm having a beef with Larry is no reason to take it out on Louise." "Well, thank you." "I've got to go make dessert." "Swell." "I suppose you've got a great dessert planned." "Cherries Jubilee." "Boy, I should get that lucky." "You just have." "Well, back to Naomi." "Good." "Everything's ready to serve." "You see, I told you you didn't need Mrs. Stephens around." "I guess not." "I've got a very funny feeling, though." "It's as if someone's watching over me." "Nonsense." "You're a marvellous cook." "As I said, somebody up there likes me." "Honey, this is the worst breakfast I've ever eaten." "I let Naomi cook it herself." "In line with my new policy of trying to give up witchcraft." " When are you gonna fire her?" " Soon." "When is soon?" "As soon as her son graduates from medical school." " Honey, that's..." " Mr. And Mrs. Stephens." "I have something to tell you." "You're the most wonderful people I've ever worked for so therefore, I'm quitting." " You are?" "You are?" "You deserve the absolute tops in domestic help." "And let's face it, I am not the absolute tops." "Sooner or later you'd fire me so I'd like to quit now before the baby comes because even though I wouldn't do right by it I know I'd fall in love with it, and I couldn't bear to leave it." "So it'll work better all around if I leave now." "Oh, here's an estimate of my breakage." "Now, Naomi, you put that away." "I told you we were insured." "Oh, this is what I broke at Mrs. Tate's." "Three, 9, 10, carry 1." "Eight, 11, 15, carry 1." "Seventeen dollars and 50 cents." "Well." "Naomi, will you wait for me in the kitchen, please?" "Yes, ma'am." "Darrin, did you hear how she added these figures?" " She's a good adder." " Think you could get her a job in your accounting department?" "I bet I could." "That would kill three birds with one stone." " How three?" " One it's a good job that she could keep." "Two, she'd be making a bigger salary and can send more money to her son." "And three, I could go back to not having a maid." "Honey, do you really not want to have a maid?" "More than anything I've ever not wanted in my life." " Will you look into it this morning?" " I'll look into it this morning." "Naomi." "Mr. Stephens has just had a brilliant suggestion."