"Dwight, where's that truck?" "You were supposed to have those ostriches here two days ago, you cud-chewing hayseed." "Don't make him mad, he's got our money." "Relax!" "I'm the Godfather 2's oldest girl." "Listen, you inbred halfwit." "Get those birds to Chicago and quit bumping ugly with every truckstop troll that flashes her tooth at you." "I got a bad feeling about this." "Alright, if I don't see you in a day and a half," "I'm gonna hunt you down, you shoeless rube." "God bless, drive safe." "So, what did he say?" "Are the ostriches okay?" "They're a little homesick." "It's a big move for them, changing schools and all." "What, are you kidding me, they're dumb animals, you dumb animal." "You're right, I'm an idiot." "I don't know what I was thinking, going into business with you." "I don't know, honestly I was a little surprised myself." " Morning." " Hey," " how do?" " Hey." "Okay." "A little weird in here." "You guys weren't kissing, were you?" "No, we weren't kissing." "We're not doing anything together." "Nothing at all." "Yeah, I was kidding." "Oh lady, you are a hoot." "Not that I haven't been tempted a couple of times." "You bagged a real looker here." "Like a portly Paul Newman." "Seriously, I saw the bottle of salad dressing in the fridge of salad dressing in the fridge the other day." "I thought it was you, hiding behind the mustard." " It's the blue eyes." " It's the blue eyes." "What's the matter with you?" "I was trying to defuse the situation." "You just stood there like an idiot." "What did you want me to do, actually kiss you?" "I don't think I'd let you, with that tone of voice." " Captain, you wanted to see me?" " Come in, Biggs." "A little dark in here, isn't it sir?" "Not as dark as the black hole your mother left, when she ripped out my heart." "Oh boy." "Is my favorite couple going through a bit of a rough patch?" "She handed me my walking papers last night." "No ifs, ands or whys." "Just take your mustache wax and go." "She does that, sir." "I can't tell you how many times she's gotten mad disowned me or told me I was adopted." "After a while, you just stop hearing it." "I just don't get it." "We were having a lovely evening." "I cooked dinner, loaded the dishwasher," "I pumiced her bunion while we watched" "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance." "She does love the Duke." "One of the many things we had in common." "That, country line dancing." "Soft pretzels." "I was sugar and cinnamon and she was... jalapeno and extra salt." "Thank you." "I'm sure everything will be fine." "Just give it some time." "It will work itself out." "Has she mentioned anything to you about being unhappy with our relationship?" "Oh no, Mom doesn't ask about my feelings and I don't ask about hers." "Kind of a deal we made when I was five." "I guess I'm just going to have to walk through the fire, strap on my six-guns and put one boot in front of the other." "That's the cowboy spirit the Duke would be proud of." "Happy trails, sir." "Biggs!" "You'll let me know if your mother tells you why she tossed me out the window like an old beer can." "Does she still do that?" "I got her a recycling bin." " Promise me." " Of course, sir." "And I'm assuming you being on the outs with my mother won't affect our working relationship." " I'd like to think it won't." " Great." "Unfortunately, I am a spiteful and vengeful man." "And this bucket of hurt has to drop on somebody's head." "Somebody... meaning me?" "Just serving it to you straight, Biggs." "I'm as honest as I am vengeful." " You're not going to fire me, are you?" " No." "I can't fire you, that would be completely unethical." "What I can do is go medieval on your ass." "Oh, I thought the whole medieval thing was just an expression." "I signed up to protect and serve, not guard crappers at a Renaissance Faire." "Remember, the head of the festival says we are supposed to refer to them as Ye Olde Privies." "I'm not living in that time." "I'll call them whatever I want." "A bunch of bell-wearing dorks." "Greeting constables." "After gorging on mutton and mead" "I find myself in dire need of a privy." "Follow your nose, Friar Tuck." "Ah, t'ward a viper, t'ward a biffy." "I bid you anon." "Hope he pees all over his curly shoes." "Hey, you got to talk to your mom, man." "I can't take three days of this freak show." "Look, just suck it up 'til this thing blows over." "What, that could take until the 1500s and we may be dead from the plague by then." "Well, I'm not getting involved in my mom's personal life, so you'll just have to find the bright side." "Look, the bright side will be sitting on that homemade catapult, cutting the rope and flying the hell out of here." "Hazaa, noble peace keepers!" "I give ye six guesses to these riddles three." "I'm gonna give ye two seconds to walk away or I'm gonna handcuff your jingly ass to one of those poop barns." "Sorry officer, have a super day." "The real riddle is how I'm gonna go three days without shooting one of these silly-ass knights of the nerd table." "'Tis true what they say about mead." "One only rents it." "You might want to check your fly, Sir Don't-Get-Laid-a-Lot." "Whatever the hell that thing is," "I ain't scooping up after it." "Oh, hey Peggy, good job on the pizza burps today." "You had my whole ***, ***." "Hey, I know they're delicious or I wouldn't serve them." "Alright." "Give this to the boy to give to Paddy." "What is it?" "Deodorant stick, nose hair trimmer, a Bob Cousy biography and a diamond engagement ring." " You finally had enough, huh?" " How's that?" "I said, oh my God, what happened?" "It's over." "I'll miss his company, though." "He doted on me like I was the Queen of Sheba." "I never had to pull out a chair or open a car door." "Why am I holding a bag with a deodorant stick and your engagement ring in it?" "Boy, you love digging to the bottom of the litter box, don'tcha?" "Fine, you want the dirt?" " I'll give you the dirt." " No no no no, I trust you." "What's done is done." "I am a sexual being!" "Oh God, here comes that pizza burp." "I tried to fan the embers of passion, lord knows I tried." "But you can't start a fire with wet wood." "I am so swamped." "I mean, Mikey's dad and I hated each other's guts, but we knew how to work out the ugly on the bed springs." "Oh, you know what, I left my good red pen at home," " so I'm just probably gonna..." " It's not like he couldn't perform, but a gal doesn't always want to be treated like a delicate flower." "None of my business!" "Sometimes you want to be pulled up by the root like a nasty weed." "Well, just hit the lights on the way out." "I thought by this age, my carnal desires would have cooled, but instead they're bubbling over like an untended oatmeal I'm leaving, lock it, don't lock it, burn it down, I don't care." "Dwight, how long does it take to drive a truckload of ostriches across four states?" "I could've ridden them here by now." "You know what, put one of the birds on the phone." "I'll have him get you here." " Is everything okay?" " Yeah, he's running late." "He stumbled across a truckstop." "Finding free hot water is like striking oil to a hillbilly." "Vince, this thing really needs to work out." "I'm on really shaky ground at work." "Hey, everywhere you are, the ground is kinda shaky." "I am not in a joking mood, Moranto." "I've been dealing with crap all day." "Human, horse and hobbit." "What's going on?" "Ooh, are you gonna hit him?" "No, oh no, I just like this shirt." "Ha ha ha, I wanted to feel the material." "What is that, silk?" "It's a poly rayon blend." "Comes out of the washer dry." "Just let me know when that shipment of shirts comes in." "Good luck finding one in your size." "I'm a Korean XL." " Alright, what is going on with you and Vince?" " Nothing." "What's going on with you and all your questions?" "Maybe you should be asking yourself that, huh?" "Fine." "I hope you and" "Ding Dong enjoy playing grab-ass, 'cause I got a bag full of misery, for ya." "What is it?" "Your mom wants you to give that to the captain." "Aww, she's giving him back the engagement ring?" "Did she say why?" "She said why and how and with what." "Had to stop and buy Tums on the way home." "Do I want to hear this?" "I can tell you or I can show you on the Dell." "Take your pick." "Captain?" "What's in the bag, Biggs?" "I know it's not leftovers." " Didn't see you there, sir." " Been here all night." "Can't go home." "Can't go anywhere without being haunted by the memories of my darling Margaret." "You know, you're still a very vibrant man." "You'll bounce back from this." "When I love, I love deep." "I can't just shake it off like a bad cold." "Oh sweet lord, there's no halfway with that woman, is there?" "No, the piledriver's pretty much her only move, sir." "I don't know what went wrong." "If I did, maybe I could fix it." "But you'll make yourself nuts trying to figure that out." "Just try to move on and remember that I had absolutely nothing to do with this." "She didn't say anything about why?" "May have been a little bit of lady gab between her and my wife, but nothing to me, sir." "Biggs, if you're withholding information from me," "I will put you on a detail so ugly, the Ren Faire crappers will be your happy place." "Listen, I warned you from the beginning it wasn't a good idea for you to date my mother." " Sit!" " Ah." "Alright, this isn't coming from me." "This is possibly one of the worst things I've ever had to say in my life." "I'm a grown man, Biggs." "Give it to me straight." "Sir, my mother is very difficult to please." "She heckled the priest at her mother's funeral." " In Latin!" " Just tell me what I did wrong." "I only ever tried to be a perfect gentleman to your mother." "Yeah, well apparently she doesn't like that all the time." " Not following you." "That's wise 'cause I don't know where I'm going." "Biggs, for the love of God, quit tap dancing and spill the beans." "What do you want from me?" "Pull her hair!" "Spank her!" "Swing her around the room like a rag doll!" "My mother's an animal." "A dirty, filthy animal!" "I gotta go." "And the National Weather Service has just issued a tornado watch for the following counties:" "Cook, DuPage, Will, Kankakee and Iroquois." "Be advised to take shelter should these conditions worsen." "Hope this blows through before tomorrow night." "It's the jousting finals at the Renaissance Faire and my grand chamberlain's hat does not have a chin strap." "Should probably take some candles down to the basement." "We might lose power." "You want to avoid candles in case of a gas leak." "I've got flashlights in the trunk of my car plus a case of canned stew and 25 gallons of distilled water." " You really prepared for this storm, huh?" " No, I just came from Costco." "It's my stew for the month." "Son of a fine, have a nice life." "It's pretty bad out there." "We might want to head to the basement." "Well, technically it's just a tornado watch." "It goes advisory, alert, watch, warning, tornado." "Okay, I'm gonna be in the basement." "You go look for my umbrella." "Hear ye, hear ye, *** in the basement of King ***'s Castle in an orderly fashion." "Tell them it's a dragon attack." "That'll get their medieval asses moving." "Do not tarry." "Do not get in your cars." "Don't try to be a hero." "You're not really Knights of The Round Table." "You probably work at Best Buy or Jamba Juice." "Now that's funny." "I should call Molly, make sure she's okay." "I tried to call my grandma a few minutes ago, but I can't get a signal." "My guess is the cell towers are down." "No bars." "I'm sure she's fine though, inside like you're supposed to be, and not waiting for the four o'clock puppet show." " We don't have to chase after that, do we?" " No no, we just guard them." "Once they start blowing around that's Fire Department or maybe Parks and Rec." "I hope Mike's okay." "A funnel cloud touched down in Whiting." "Figures." "Tornadoes always use trailer parks as appetizers." "Remember, avoid this area because of the windows." "The change of pressure could blow this glass and rip off your face like an angry chimp." "What's he doing here, anyway?" "Isn't there a ditch he can go lie down in?" "Harry, just knock it off." "You're making everybody nervous." "You should be nervous." "Tornadoes are killers." "Statistically speaking, only three of us will survive." "I'm chaining myself to you, you're not going anywhere." "We're going to be fine." "Worst case scenario, the house blows away and lands on Mike's mom." "Oh, this is it." "Everything is fine." "Do not panic." "(siren wails) Okay, panic." "I can't get through." "Man, we need to pull over." "This is bad." "Just got passed by a tree." "Just keep driving." "I've got to get home to Molly." "I feel horrible." "I can't believe I lied to her about the thing with Vince." "You're right." "That was the time for truth." "So I just want to say you are the best friend and partner I've ever had." "Thanks, buddy." "You're not an easy man to get along with, you're pigheaded, set in your ways and never admit when you're wrong." "I still say Marisa Tormé is Mel Tormé's daughter." "That's Melissa Tomei, they have different last names." "But maybe she changed it so she wouldn't have to live under his legendary shadow." "You know, I'm starting to hope these are your last words." "But all that aside, you've always been like a brother to me." "I love you very much." "Same here." "That's it?" "I pour my heart out and all you can say is "same here"?" "You know if a twister sucks me out of this car and you live, you're gonna regret not telling me you love me." " Fine, I love you." " Thank you." "Now's not the time to hold back." "When I was 14, I showed my cousin my privates." "You can stop right there, Carl." "Same thing he said." "Listen, Jim, if I get killed by flying debris, promise me you'll eat me toes-first." "That way I can still have an open casket." "(door bell rings)" "What kind of mouthbreathing moron is traipsing around in this weather?" "Probably that hoarder neighbour wanting to squat in my basement." "Shoulda thought about this when you started saving all those National Geographics and jars of urine." " Open the door, Margaret." " Paddy?" "What are you doing here?" "We're done." "Shut your yap, woman." "We're done when I say we're done." "I wish Mike would get home." "I can't believe he's out in this." "I can't believe you lit all these candles." "One gas leak and the house goes up like a bottle rocket." "We're worried about your gas leak, stew butt." "I'm not going to apologize again." "I'm nervous and it was an accident." " Molly?" " Mike?" "Oh God, you guys are okay." "Oh my God, I couldn't get through and I was thinking the worst." "I'm so glad you're home, I have something to tell you." " I have something to tell you, too." " Not the cousin thing, right?" "I was trying to make some extra money in case we have to do the whole in vitro deal," " so I went into business with Vince." " What?" "I was as shocked as you are." "And ostriches no less." "What?" "What is he talking about?" "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it." "I just want us to have a baby so bad." "So you bought a bunch of ostriches?" "Well, it sounds stupid when you say it like that." "But then he, the dumb hillbilly really talked a good game." "Well, you're gonna have to be a little bit more responsible once the baby is born." "Yeah." "Whenever that is." "Should be about nine months from now." "What?" "I'm gonna be a dad!" " I'm gonna be a dad!" " I'm gonna be an uncle." " I love you Molly Flynn." " I love you Mike Biggs." "I hope that's not the tree my Vespa was chained to." "If it is, I'm probably gonna need a ride home." "Shut up, Harry!" "You sure you're okay, Mom?" "You sound out of breath." "What?" "Oh God, why'd you even pick up the phone?" "Call me when you're done." "I've got some news for you." "See, once you get it in your head it doesn't go away." "Wow, we didn't get the worst of it." "Look at all those jack-knifed trucks on the freeway." "They probably swerved to miss all those ostriches." " What?" " Not so fast." "We don't know those are ours." "That twister tossed me around like a lotto ball." "Flipped my truck over and those birds went everywhere." "I just thank God I'm still alive." "And single, ladies." "Get a net and chase them down, you stupid cracker." "So?" "What are you thinking about for names?" "Oh, I don't know." "Jackass comes to mind." "Aw, after his daddy."