"10,000 pardons, your excellency." "It's quite unavoidable, i assure you " "Ceremonies, affairs of state, speeches, you know." "Oh." "His royal highness prince florizel" "Is expected back at any moment." "His majesty begs that you will overlook the slight delay." "Hmm." "I trust that you bring pleasant tidings" "From your sovereign king of irania?" "His majesty the king of irania has the gout." "Oh, the gout." "Well, how unfortunate." "I" " If you'll excuse me, your excellency." "Where is that dawdler geraldine?" "Your majesty." "Well, where's the prince?" "For 15 years, we've been negotiating this marriage," "And now there's no prince." "You're responsible for the arrangements." "Yes, sire." "Where is he?" "He - Where is he?" "At 10:30, his royal highness was to open the autumn bazaar." "At 11:00, address the widows of the veterans of the war of 1837." "At 11:30, dedicate two lifeboats for the life of his com" "That's what he's doing now." "It's exactly 11:30." "Go and fetch him." "Well, what are you standing there for?" "Yes, your majesty." "Oh, for the ambassador's party, i presume." "Not for the ambassador's party?" "Well, where is it going?" "I'm not permitted to say, colonel." "It's a secret." "Secret?" "Balance yourself." "What's going on here?" "Where's his royal highness?" "What are you doing with those poles?" "Look here, gerry." "Ooh, i-I beg your pardon, your highness." "You're just in time to see me realize" "One of my greatest ambitions." "I've always wanted to try one of these things." "Yes, i know." "All right, take the poles away." "Oh, no!" "For goodness sake, don't " "This is very irregular and inopportune." "I couldn't go to the carnival, so the carnival came to me." "Do you want to try it?" "Oh, no, no, thank you." "I'm better off" " Now, this is no time for dancing." "His majesty, your father," "Demands your presence immediately." "He's been waiting for over an hour." "Oh, well, i guess the fun's all over." "Yes." "How do i get down off this thing?" "Yes, how does he get down?" "Hey!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, now, see what you've done." "So, that's the way you get down!" "Oh, i'm all right." "Well, you better all go now and take your wire with you." "Thank you very much." "What is it this time?" "The iranian ambassador." "Oh." "Last time i saw princess Brenda," "She had a horse bit in her mouth, pigtails," "And lenses over her eyes." "Yes, but they say she has an excellent mind." "The better to bore you with, my dear." "In short, your majesty," "The court of irania is unanimously enthusiastic" "For this proposed alliance." "But, uh..." "But what, sir?" "There is, unfortunately, one exception." "Pray be good enough to explain yourself, sir." "Princess Brenda." "The princess Brenda is not enthusiastic?" "I find it a very, uh, delicate matter to explain, your majesty." "Perhaps i may be pardoned" "If i express her highness' attitude in her own words." "They were as follows " ""I will never buy a pig in a poke."" "Merely a figure of speech, of course." "And a very colorful one, too." "Proceed, baron." "And there for the present, your majesty," "I believe the matter rests." "Very well." "We shall instruct our ambassador" "To continue with the negotiations." "Pray do not inconvenience yourself on my account, sir." "May we not say that i have loved and lost." "You have our leave to retire." "Your majesty, your royal highness." "Now, gentlemen, we have no further need of you today." "Not you two." "Colonel geraldine, you'll remain within call." "Me?" "Oh, of course, your majesty." "I'd be delighted, i'm sure." "Delighted, i'm sure." "My boy..." "The time has come." "I'm sorry." "No." "We are living in difficult days." "Republics are springing up around us like mushrooms," "And your conduct is not making it any easier for us." "I'm sorry, sir." "Yes, but not sorry enough, confound it." "You are the crowned prince," "And the people expect something more from you" "Than frivolity and extravagance." "And they're right." "They should." "Remember our revolution of three years ago" "When stafgar and the others were killed." "Those revolutionists weren't small" " Dr. Noel, madam polar." "They escaped, but they'll try it again." "Do you realize that less than three months ago," "The secret service uncovered a plot to kill you?" "No, sir." "Well, it's true." "Some anarchistic young woman." "What happened to her?" "She escaped, too." "Oh, i see." "Well, what do you want me to do, sir?" "Well, you are the crowned prince." "And the crowned prince should get married..." "I've heard that, sir." "...whether he wants to or not." "Now we're really down to it." "We are, my boy." "And she is, of course?" "Princess Brenda of irania." "Yes, sir?" "Being the crowned prince, you must one day rule carovia." "We cannot escape it." "That's all i have to say." "I wonder what carovia would think, sir," "If you and i went out and got drunk." "I wish we could." "I'm afraid i haven't very much of an answer" "To what you just said." "I don't think there is one." "But i don't want you to answer now." "It'll take at least a month" "For these negotiations to be completed." "I want you to think it over." "I want you to think it over well before you decide." "I will." "And thank you." "Oh, send colonel geraldine to me, will you?" "Yes, sir." "Hello, colonel geraldine." "I hope i'm not taking too much for granted" "In presuming that you're fond of my son." "Oh, no, your majesty." "I love his royal highness very dearly." "I mean - Good." "I like him, too." "Don't mind saying it." "He's a fine boy." "Yes, your majesty." "You and i probably know him" "Better than anyone else, don't we?" "Yes, indeed, your majesty." "I want you to help me with him now." "Of course, your majesty." "I" " I don't mind saying that i'd gladly" " I'd " "I'd give my life for his royal highness." "I know you would, gerry." "We couldn't have shown all the patience we did in raising him" "Without loving him, could we?" "Remember some of the things he used to do?" "Remember the time that he hid your crown" "In the waste basket?" "But, uh, he isn't a boy any longer, gerry." "No, your majesty." "And i've just had to hurt him, really, for the first time." "It's about this marriage business." "Yes, your majesty." "And you can help him where i can't." "He's had a hard blow." "But if i know anything at all about him," "He'll come through it all right, but he'll fight." "There's no knowing what he may do in the next month." "So i want you to take him away somewhere," "To london, but never let him out of your sight." "Yes, your majesty." "I'll do my best, your majesty." "And understand this, colonel geraldine." "If anything happens to him," "If one hair of his head is harmed," "Or one line gets into the newspapers about him," "No matter what he does," "I'll have your hide nailed to the palace walls." "Is that clear?" "Oh, uh, yes, your majesty." "Good." "Got a cigarette?" "Oh, yes, yes, cigarette, your majesty." "Oh, beg your pardon, sir." "That was an exciting moment." "Stupid fellow." "This is the dullest, most stupid boat trip i have ever been on." "Maybe we might play a game?" "Let me see, uh..." "I'm thinking of a famous english poet" "Whose name begins with "t."" "I'll give you 20 guesses." "Tennyson." "Oh, yes, you got it the first time." "Would you like to think of one?" "Well, anyway, i'm glad we're going to london." "I can bring back an english plum pudding for aunt elsa." "She's always wanted one." "Man: mr." "Godall." "Paging mr." "Godall." "Mr. Godall." "Paging mr." "Godall." "Hmm?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Steward, i'm mr." "Godall." "For you, sir." "Have you forgotten, major Hammersmight," "I am mr." "Godall." "Gerry, old boy," "This trip may not have been without its compensations." "I'm going to meet a lady in cabin "c."" "But you don't know any lady on board." "I have a feeling i'm about to know one." "But..." "Woman: come in." "Madam." "It was good of you to come, mr." "Godall." "It was better of you to ask me, miss, uh..." "I'm sorry." "But for the moment, my identity must remain a secret." "Oh, yes, that's quite understandable." "I beg your pardon." "Are you a brave man, mr." "Godall?" "Madam, have you ever been kicked in the shins?" "I beg your pardon?" "The last woman who asked me that was kicked in the shins." "This is no laughing matter." "Madam, until i know what the matter is," "I scarcely know whether to laugh or cry." "Mr. Godall, i need your help desperately." "There are people on board this boat" "Whom i have reason to believe would stop at nothing" "To get possession of - Of these documents." "I'm going to ask you to carry them for me." "I would be delighted, madam." "I can explain nothing to you." "I think it only fair to warn you" "That those who would attack me for this envelope" "Would attack you, as well." "Oh, come, come, madam." "We're not living in the middle ages." "I know whereof i speak, sir." "Perhaps so." "But i would accept far worse than this to see you again." "You will take this and leave the ship with it." "And then?" "You will meet me at the foot of the gangplank" "And return it to me." "Is that clear?" "Quite." "Have you ever faced actual danger before, mr." "Godall?" "Madam, a bomb was thrown into my baby carriage" "As i lay there gurgling." "I picked it up and played with it as though it were a toy." "Of course, a baby doesn't know very much." "Uh, perhaps there's another mr." "Godall on board?" "Uh, mr." "Godall, perhaps?" "You are mr." "Godall." "Oh, yes, of course." "How stupid of me." "And you?" "You'll kindly not attempt to leave the room, mr." "Godall." "You'll have reason to regret it if you do." "Madam, you know what i have come for." "Your mission is in vain, sir." "Madam, i'm prepared, as you know, to insist." "You appear to forget, sir," "That no gentleman ever insists over any protest of a lady." "It would be a pity, sir," "To waste your life when you've lived so little of it." "Madam, give them to me." "You're wasting your time, sir." "The lady has none and wants none of you." "I suppose that she has, of course, given them to you." "You're very good at guessing games." "You should meet a friend of mine." "I beg of you, sir, do not force me to violence." "Ah, major Hammersmight, how nice of you to come." "We were just about to have some tea." "May i introduce my friends, madam... corde" "And monsieur danto." "Dant- Uh, tea at this hour?" "This is no time for tea." "We're docking." "Are we, indeed?" "Then we mustn't detain madam corde a moment longer." "Come, gentlemen." "We will have tea another time, madam." "Well, sir, if you don't need me anymore..." "What?" "Oh, no, i'm sorry." "There was no trouble." "I mean, thank you very much." "Very good, sir." "And now, sir, if i may bid you good night" "With this admonition - Don't trouble the lady again." "Thank you very much for your advice." "Major Hammersmight." "Monsieur danto." "Madam corde, monsieur danto - What kind of people are they?" "Gerry." "What?" "This has been the nicest boat trip" "That it has ever been my pleasure to take." "Oh, listen." "Well, i..." "But this is madness." "You mustn't expose yourself." "Can't you see it?" "It's obviously a plot against your life." "Who would take the life of mr." "Godall?" "But they may have seen through your incognito." "Nonsense, major." "You do her an injustice " "A girl with eyes like that and so fearless." "But you can't do this." "A Godall never fails." "This envelope must be returned to her." "Oh, but you..." "Come, come, major Hammersmight." "Don't worry yourself." "Well, mr." "Godall, did you find the young lady?" "Are all the passengers ashore?" "Everyone, sir." "Uh, steward, have you seen the young lady" "Who occupied this stateroom?" "Lady, sir?" "This stateroom has been unoccupied" "For the entire voyage." "Thank you." "Yes, sir." "Yes, now, are you convinced" "That the young lady's distress was errant fiction?" "Yes, but i still have her envelope." "Hey, don't do that." "Blank paper." "A little more of the hot, sir?" "Thank you." "You know, her eyes weren't really blue." "They were a kind of a deep violet." "I rather thought they were black." "Yes, kind of haunting." "Did you notice the eerie but firm movements of her body," "The distinguished grace of her head, the " "All lost forever." "You speak as if you blame me for it." "Blame you?" "Why should i blame you?" "I'm having a charming conversation" "With a delightful young woman when you appear uninvited," "As if you were leading your whole regiment of dragoons" "In a cavalry charge." "And you ask me why i should blame you?" "But your father " "My father did not say that i was to be trundled on your knee" "And fed from a bottle." "Little more of the hot water, sir?" "No." "No, thank you." "I am in enough - I mean, plenty of hot water." "Good evening, gentlemen." "Would you care to order now?" "The ris de veau is superb tonight." "Oh, dinner." "Oh, well, i thought that " "Don't you think it would be nice to have a quiet dinner here" "And then perhaps a little game of cribbage?" "Dine here?" "Well, we could go in the dining room if you prefer it." "I am dining out." "Oh, no, now, you mustn't - That's very da" "After a hot bath, and it's foggy," "And the weather is wretched." "You must be all tired out after your journey." "Have you any suggestions as to where we should dine?" "I take it you'd like some place out of the usual, sir?" "Exactly." "The café travetoro - Just the spot." "The cuisine is excellent, and there's a lady what sings." "Good." "The café travetoro it is." "Oh, dash it all." "And it's so comfortable and cheerful here, and" " And snug." "They're dining at the café travetoro, madam, in soho." "Thank you." "I've been out and about with you scads" "Setting all london in flames" "From waterloo bridge to trafalgar square" "We've been playing the sauciest games" "So the boys bring their breeches behind them" ""Different," he said it was." ""Effervescent" was the word i believe he used." "You should have asked him to define it." "As i remember, it was your idea to come here, mr." "Godall." "Shall we go?" "Magnificent suggestion, major." "Pardon me, madam." "Would you be good enough to allow me to offer you" "One of these excellent cream tarts?" "Hey?" "It'll cost you nothing whatever." "Oh, don't take it." "Don't eat it." "Then you'll see what happens." "Go on." "Don't take it." "What are you talking about?" "Don't take it, and you'll die laughing when you see." "Nah." "Take it away." "Sorry." "Man: he's been going up and down the street for half an hour." "Blimey if he ain't." "I, uh" " I think we better go before he becomes wild." "No, no, no, major, not at the moment." "Come on." "Eat up, eat up." "Everybody, get out." "And you, too." "Go on." "You can't make this service part of my place." "You're not bringing any business." "Your point is well taken, sir, and not without justice." "Oh, oh, quite right, sir." "Quite right." "Gentlemen, will you do me the honor" "Of accepting one of my cream tarts?" "Oh, no, i don't think i'd better." "Thank you very much." "Ooh, but i can assure you of their quality," "Having eaten no less than 2 dozen and 3 of them myself since 5:00." "Sir, the quality of the gift does not interest me" "As much as the spirit in which it is offered." "The spirit, sir, is one of mockery." "Mockery?" "Whom do you mock?" "Oh, myself, sir." "Only myself and my life," "Which now draws swiftly to an end." "And now, gentlemen, i hope you'll have one of my tarts." "For if you don't, i must eat my 28th," "And i own to being weary of the exercise." "Sir, you spoke of the end of your life." "I did, sir." "But now, uh " "Not until i know what the end of your life" "Has to do with these no doubt superior cream tarts." "A fair inquiry, my dear sir." "It is only that i happen to be cursed" "With a sense of the fitness of things." "In bringing to a close a life spent in folly," "It seems only right to conclude it" "In the silliest imaginable manner." "Sir, you are either a madman or a poet." "Both, sir." "And now, gentlemen, if you'll be kind enough to oblige me " "We should be delighted... upon one condition." "And that is?" "That you join us for dinner by way of recompense." "Oh, you're very kind, sir, but i still have a number of tarts left." "How many?" "There appear to be, um, 10." "My companion and i are deeply sympathetic" "Over your predicament, are we not, major?" "Huh?" "Oh, yes, rather." "I propose that we each eat three of the cream tarts," "The remaining one to be disposed of by lot." "Shall we toss for it?" "As you wish, sir." "Odd man gets the extra tart." "Mine's a head, sir." "And mine." "Yes, mine's a tail, hang it all." "Lucky chap." "So, having great talent as a spendthrift," "I am penniless." "Having overindulged in all the pleasures of the world," "I can no longer enjoy anything." "In short, the story of a ridiculous and futile life." "I hope i haven't bored you with the telling." "On the contrary, sir, it's been very interesting " "A picture of a life extravagant, romantic, and useless." "I feel a great kinship with you, sir." "Thank you." "Perhaps then you can understand how a man as young as i" "Can be so heartily weary of life" "That he literally has made up his mind to die." "A very understandable philosophy indeed, sir." "May i remind you that we're expected elsewhere?" "And i too have a last appointment that will not wait." "Gentlemen, i've exceedingly enjoyed your company." "I regret that we shan't meet again in this world." "This appointment of which you speak " "Forgive me, sir." "It concerns myself, myself alone." "I do not ask from idle curiosity, believe me." "I go to keep my tryst with death." "You really speak of suicide?" "Please, do me the courtesy, sir, of believing me." "I would not doubt your words, sir." "But have you considered the result of so serious an action?" "Think of your family, think of your good name," "The stigma of suicide." "Surely, this very sense of the fitness of things" "Of which you speak should prevent you " "Now, there i have you." "It is my one last victory over life" "That i have found a way to achieve death without the disgrace" "That ordinarily attaches itself to suicide." "I do not understand you, sir." "How is that possible?" "I regret that i'm not at liberty to tell you that, sir." "May i again tell you that i do not ask from idle curiosity?" "I don't follow you." "Perhaps you will if i tell you, though," "You had no way of knowing" "That you see before you two gentlemen" "As desperate as yourself." "Indeed?" "My friend the major will corroborate me." "What do you mean?" "I mean that my unfortunate friend and i" "Are no less determined than you" "To put an end to an existence which is bitter and futile." "Like you, we seek an exit" "Which is not too vulgar for men of taste and quality." "Oh, look here, i say " "Surely, gentlemen, you speak in jest." "But that is your affair." "Here is your health." "And good night to you, my merry ruined men." "Since we are determined, why can't we go," "All three of us, together into the next world?" "Gentlemen, even in this brief meeting," "I've come to like you very greatly indeed." "Why should i not repay your kindness" "By doing you perhaps the greatest service" "That, under the circumstances, one man may do another?" "Why not, indeed?" "But first, i have your word that you won't betray my confidence?" "Of course." "Uh-Huh." "Good." "Then you may consider your problems at an end." "Splendid." "And how is this arranged?" "Quite simply." "The suicide club." "Suicide club?" "Exactly." "Death's private door." "Once through that door," "All is arranged for you by expert minds." "By your own choice, you die, but not by your own hands," "Swiftly, apparently accidently, without the disgrace of suicide." "In short, in a manner becoming a gentleman." "You amaze me, sir." "Such a place really exists?" "I trust that you will again do me the honor" "Not to doubt my word." "It does indeed exist." "Only naturally, it's a very secret enterprise." "And how are these extraordinary results obtained?" "For that, no man may know" "Until he enters the portals of the club." "Is there any reason why you can't take us with you?" "Not if you have 100 pounds apiece." "Aha, 100 pounds." "There you are." "Not for me." "It's the admission fee to the club." "The rule is strict." "Accursed life, but even decent death has become a luxury." "Well, gentlemen, it's getting late." "Do you come with me or not?" "By all means." "And you, sir?" "Uh, yes, rather." "Then we must be off." "In half an hour, the door will be barred." "The door?" "What door?" "The door of death." "Return to the hotel." "Follow that cab, not too closely." "Uh, will you, major?" "Oh, yes." "Now, if you'll excuse me, i'll go make a preliminary arrangement" "With the president of the club." "Of all your follies, this is the wildest and most dangerous." "While there's still time, i " "Aren't you attaching too much importance" "To this young man's story, major?" "Surely, nothing so preposterous really exists." "How do we know it?" "It may be a plot." "It may be anything." "I see in it some elaborate sort of a joke," "Some ingenious machinery to relieve us of 200 pounds." "But we'd be buying 200 pounds worth" "Of excitement and adventure." "Yes, well, it's all in very bad taste, i must say." "Am i to understand that the major is afraid?" "My fear is certainly not personal, sir." "I'm sorry, major." "Well, then..." "Good evening, gentlemen." "Good evening." "I'm told you wish to speak to me." "We are greatly desirous, sir, of joining your club." "Yes, the, uh, the suicide club." "The suicide club?" "Well, i" " We thought that you were the president." "I, president of a suicide club?" "Come, come, i can make alliances with gentlemen" "Merry in their liquor," "But this is a folly for all fools' day." "This is a private club, gentlemen." "I'm afraid you made a mistake." "Oh, well, in that case," "If we're intruding, i'm sorry." "This is not fair, sir." "This is not fair." "I have abided faithfully by your rules." "Now i appeal to you as president of this club." "I must have the ace of spades" "And the happy release of death tonight." "Calm yourself, i beg of you, sir frederick." "Yes, tonight." "I suggest a glass of brandy." "But to" " But tonight." "Tell me, gentlemen, what reason can you possibly have" "For, what shall i say, terminating your existence?" "A very excellent reason, sir." "My friend here has been dismissed from the army" "For cheating at cards." "The chagrin of being caught preys upon him." "An excellent reason, indeed." "And you, sir?" "Let us say that my reason is one of weariness," "Weariness at the reflection that inevitably greets me" "In my shaving mirror each morning." "In short, sir, the futility of existence." "Gentlemen, i believe you sufficiently" "That i'm about to go against all precedent" "And do you the honor of admitting you immediately." "You may readily understand how unusual this procedure is" "When i point out" "That the humanitarian ideals of our society" "Are somewhat too, shall we say, advanced and enlightened" "For our friends the police to understand." "We fully appreciate the delicacy of your position, sir." "The choice to all matters is decided." "Rather than deny men such as you," "I'll strain the regulations." "Yes, well, don't strain them too much if you..." "You have honored us, sir." "And we are grateful." "Down this way, gentlemen." "Oh, i'd almost forgotten." "You have the trifling matter of 100 pounds each," "I presume - The initiation fee?" "Certainly." "And a very reasonable sum, too, sir." "Will you, major?" "Oh, yes." "Very reasonable price." "I always thought death was rather a lonely fellow." "He seems to have quite a number of visitors here tonight." "When the night is over, one of those hats and coats" "Will no longer hang there." "Now, if you'll register." ""Theophilus Godall."" ""Alfred Hammersmight."" "Obviously pseudonyms." "But no matter." "I doubt if there's a correct name on the register." "Now, gentlemen, the club is yours." "You mean, we just go in there and be slaughtered?" "Nothing so crude as that." "If we possess nothing else, we possess finesse." "Oh, well, uh, how is it, uh - I mean, how do we, uh " "I regret, gentlemen, that my time just now" "Is too occupied for explanations." "You'll find out in due time." "Isn't that the man who spoke of the ace of spades?" "Yes." "I wonder what he meant." "You know, i have a funny idea" "That this isn't quite what we expect." "Never mind, major." "We will find out." "Just a moment, major." "Good evening." "Madam, i " "Man:" "gentlemen, if you please." "The deal." "Attention, gentlemen." "Silence, please." "For the benefit of our new members," "I remind you the ace of clubs designates the executioner," "The ace of spades, the card of death," "The fortunate victim." "Is that clear?" "The five of clubs." "Seven of hearts." "Man: two of spades." "Man #2:" "five of diamonds." "Nine of hearts." "Nine of spades." "Man #3:" "nine of clubs." "Ace of spades." "You are content with the card, mr." "Barnley?" "I thank you, sir." "Man #4:" "seven of clubs." "Nine of diamonds." "The ace of clubs." "If mr." "Barnley and miss vandeleur" "Will kindly step this way," "I'll give them their instructions." "Come on, sir, let's get out of here." "Wait, gerry, wait." "When she comes out of that room, we're going to follow her." "Follow her?" "I must talk to her." "I must find out what this is all about." "Gentlemen, you're all at liberty to leave when you wish." "The principals have gone." "The lady has gone, sir?" "Yes, quite some time ago by the customary private exit." "Perhaps you were not informed." "It is a rule of the club that no one can leave" "Until the principals have gone" "To forestall curiosity on the part of other members." "I shall expect you tomorrow night." "I never saw anything like it " "Those monstrous, weird, distorted minds." "And that malthus." "Nonsense." "It can't be so." "For this is london " "The fog, the lights, the sounds of the city." "It's fantastic." "It can't be real." "You saw it with your own eyes." "And that lovely girl " "At this very moment conveying that misguided," "Unfortunate youth through the night to his death." "Nonsense, i tell you." "Why, she couldn't." "She isn't capable." "I wish i were as sure." "Isn't there something we can do about it?" "Yes, there's something we can do about it." "We can go home and have a drink and forget about it." "Oh." "Will you please go away?" "Thank you, sir." "Is everything all right, sir?" "Oh, yes." "Everything's splendid." "The coffee's like dishwater, the eggs are underdone," "And the toast is cold." "Thank you, sir." "Anything else, sir?" "No." "Yes, get out of here." "Thank you, sir." "Looks like a very fine day." "As a matter of fact " "Good grief!" "What is it?" "Listen to this." "Yeah?" ""Died" " Barnley."" "Barnley?" "!" ""Cecil carteret," ""Son of the honorable richard carteret barnley" "Suddenly, on april 13th, age 26 years and 2 months."" ""Interment" " Private."" "Good heavens!" "That girl - She did it!" "She killed him!" "Oh, but, your highness, this is madness." "We should never have come here again." "We ought to have turned the whole matter over to the police." "Gerry, i warned you." "If you say one word to the police, you'll answer to me." "Oh, but" " I can't believe this girl is a murderess." "I won't believe it." "But even " "There must be some explanation for this," "And i'm going to find out what it is." "Well, all right, then." "Let us go in." "Good lad." "Permit me to commend you upon the efficiency" "With which you discharged your obligations of last night." "Miss vandeleur:" "thank you." "Attention, then, gentlemen." "The deal." "Five of spades." "King of clubs." "Man:" "the eight of diamonds." "Man #2:" "deuce of clubs." "Five of clubs." "The ace of spades." "Congratulations, sir." "Thank you." "Man #3:" "queen of hearts." "Man #4:" "four of diamonds." "Six of clubs." "The ace of clubs." "Well, miss vandeleur," "Fate seems to choose you as her instrument" "With amusing regularity." "A witticism of eternity, one might say." "Hmm." "Oh, the formalities." "Miss vandeleur," "Perhaps you have not met your colleague mr." "Godall?" "Delighted, miss vandeleur." "It's very nice of you to, uh " "How do you do?" "If you'll excuse us," "I'll give miss vandeleur her instructions." "Well, here we are." "I had hoped we'd meet again," "But i never expected it would be like this." "Oh, come, come, miss vandeleur, this is my funeral, not yours." "I never expected to enter the gates of valhalla" "In such silence." "Oh, by the way..." "Permit me to return your property." "A little late, perhaps, but i'm glad not to have failed you." "Thank you." "Do you mind telling me" "Why you entrusted a blank sheet of paper to my care?" "It suited my purpose at the moment." "I see." "Well, that clears up one confusion" "And plunges me right into another." "I thought we'd meet again." "It's funny the way things turn out, isn't it?" "Very funny." "May i?" "Don't you think we might drive a little bit more slowly?" "When the time came, mr." "Barnley didn't want to die, either." "But you killed him?" "Yes." "I trust his reluctance caused you no real unpleasantness." "No." "Of course, he is not in a position to complain." "How do you think you're going to feel about killing me?" "Since you wish to die, i'm only doing you a favor." "Very obliging of you, i'm sure." "Could you give me any ideas to the nature" "Of my, uh, my extinction?" "Is it to be without warning, or...?" "You are to be torn to pieces." "I am to be, uh...?" "Oh." "By whom?" "You will learn in time." "Don't you think that's a little bit crueler than necessary?" "Perhaps." "Are you afraid?" "Now, is that a fair question?" "If i am afraid, i am a coward." "If i am not afraid, i am a fool." "Don't you agree with me?" "I say, you're not a very brilliant conversationalist," "Are you?" "Well, i suppose a woman of action is a woman of silence." "Please." "Look here." "Suppose i change my mind." "Suppose i fall in love with you and don't want to die." "Mr. Godall, if you don't instantly let go of my hand " "You'll kill me." "Stop here, please." "Drive up the road 100 paces and wait for me at the inn." "Yes, ma'am." "We'll walk from here." "Don't you think you'll be frightened walking back alone?" "Perhaps i had better walk back with you." "Where are we going?" "What's that?" "Animals?" "Lions." "That's near enough." ""Unknown man torn to pieces by lions." ""Keeper accidentally leaves door of cage open." "Stranger fumbly wanders into zoo after closing hour."" "And now, sir, if you're quite ready." "Is there anything you wish to say?" "Nothing, madam." "Open the door, and let's get it over with." "Come, come, madam." "Don't!" "Go away." "You fool." "You utter fool." "Why didn't you go through with it?" "What would you have done if i had opened that door?" "I'd have closed it again, i assure you." "Why did you weaken?" "You did such a nice job of barnley last night." "Please, go away." "How did that death notice get in the papers?" "Anyone can put a death notice in the papers." "And?" "I" " I gave barnley money." "He went to paris." "I talked him out of wanting to die." "You all right?" "Yes." "Who can it be?" "I don't know." "We'll have to run for it and get to the inn." "Stay low." "What's all this at this hour?" "I'm sorry to get you up, but could you take us in?" "Huh?" "Well, i think so." "Come in." "Thank you." "I thought it would be safer if we waited until daylight." "I don't understand that shooting." "Evidently, we haven't finished with the suicide club." "What?" "The president is the only one who knew where we were going." "Oh." "And now, madam, perhaps you will be good enough" "To explain yourself." "I'm not accustomed, sir," "To having explanations demanded of me." "I do not intend to fence with you any longer, miss vandeleur," "Which, undoubtedly, is not your name." "Undoubtedly." "I confess to being a little weary of this bizarre business." "I hope to get an explanation from you," "Which would make it unnecessary for me" "To turn you over to the authorities." "However, you will give me no other course." "I wouldn't do that." "And why not?" "Because you'd only make a fool of yourself." "It seems to me that you're trying to make one of me." "After all, that explanation about barnley," "The death notice " "It's very ingenious but not entirely satisfying." "I understood you to say that you did not believe i killed him," "And yet, you will not believe me when i tell you i did not." "Exactly." "And now, just who are you?" "Very well." "Perhaps you will understand everything" "When i tell you that i ran away from home" "Because my dreams of marrying a knight in armor" "Were being shattered." "And i refuse to buy a pig in a poke." ""A pig in a p-"" "Good heavens, it's impossible." "On the channel boat," "I ran into the very thing i was running away from." "I couldn't help trying to find out" "For what manner of man i had just given up a kingdom." "But that bit in your teeth, the lenses, the pigtails?" "I outgrew them." "Yes, obviously." "The suicide club?" "Why, i followed you there." "500 pounds to our president gained me admission." "I can understand why you came to the suicide club" "The first night," "But why did you return the second night?" "Well, the fact that i was certain you would return" "Seemed to reach out and challenge me." "It all seems so foolish now." "It didn't seem so when i first followed you." "I assure you, it wasn't foolish when you first followed me." "Who can that be?" "The president?" "Are you frightened?" "No." "When i nod, you open that door and get behind it." "What is this?" "!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Gerry!" "Wh" " For hea" "What is the meaning of this?" "Well, that's what i'd like to know." "How did you get here?" "After you left the club, the president followed you," "And i followed him, and then he lost you," "And i lost him." "And i stumbled into this inn," "And here you are alive and kicking me." "Well, you don't seem to be terribly pleased about it." "Oh, thank heaven you're safe." "And as for this - This murderess here," "We'll turn her straight over to the police." "Just a moment, gerry." "Before you turn her over to the police... yes?" "...may i present my friend and confidante colonel geraldine" "To princess Brenda." "Oh..." "What?" "Well, how do you do, colonel geraldine?" "Oh" " Oh, yes, your royal highness." "I do hope that we can get you out of london" "Before anything else happens " "Suicide clubs, lions, that president." "He'll try again, i tell you." "Here's your plum pudding, sir." "Oh, yes, thank you." "Answer that, gerry." "It's her highness." "Her highness?" "Her highness, for breakfast." "Answer the door." "Her hi" "Good morning." "I see you waited breakfast for me." "You're just in time." "Sergei says, "may i order your breakfast?"" "And i say, "oh, no, you can't." "Someone's waiting for me for breakfast."" "Now, uh..." "Oh, good morning, colonel geraldine." "Oh, good morning, your highness." "You're hungry, i hope." "Am i." "So, won't you please sit down?" "Thank you." "Sit down, gerry." "Sit down." "Oh, i..." "What's the matter, colonel geraldine?" "You look out of sorts this morning." "Gerry seems to think" "That the president will pop up at any moment." "He may be right, too." "No, no, but this is all highly irregular." "Gerry, will you be a good fellow and be irregular?" "Oh, but i mean to say that neither of your royal fathers" "Would approve of you having breakfast together." "Nonsense, gerry." "Sit down." "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, i'm sorry, sir." "It shan't happen again, sir." "What's the matter with you, waiter?" "I'm" " I'm very sorry, sir." "I can't seem to help it." "I" " I'm not quite myself today, and that's a fact." "That's quite obvious." "What's the matter?" "I do beg your pardon, sir." "It's" " It's nothing, sir." "Are you ill?" "No, not what you call "ill," sir." "What is it?" "What's the matter?" "Well, miss, i can't be bothering you with my own affairs." "You'd only laugh at me." "Nonsense." "Tell us." "Well, miss, he's almost all i've got in the world." "They're trying to kill him." "Who's trying to kill whom?" "It's my little dog, sir." "A blooming parrot flew in at the window and frightened my dog," "And he got excited and killed him." "The parrot killed the dog?" "No, the other way around, sir." "But the parrot belonged to a toff." "He gets angry and goes to a beak and complains." "And now the beak is going to try my dog for murder." "Oh, nonsense." "That isn't possible." "It's the same thing, sir." "It's a little irregular, i suppose." "But they being toffs, it's fun for them." "They make a sport of it." "But it's not to me." "What's a beak?" "I fancy a kind of judge." "What time is the hearing?" "Half an hour from now, sir." "It ain't far from here, but i ain't got the heart to go" "Because i know i couldn't do anything" "To save my poor little dog, even if i was there." "Odd sort of thing - Trying a dog for murder." "I do hope you'll overlook my goings-On, sir." "It's as much as my place is worth" "If the manager ever heard of it." "Gerry, we've got to do something about this." "What?" "Well, you can't let collins lose his dog" "Just because he's murdered a wretched bird." "Oh, well, now, really i don't think..." "Collins." "Sir?" "I'll go to court with you." "You meet me outside in five minutes." "I'll make the arrangements with the hotel." "Oh, sir, thank you, sir." "You're a very bighearted gentleman." "Thank you, sir." "You're really not thinking of doing this." "Certainly, and so are you." "Well, upon my word " "It isn't every day" "You get a chance to see a dog tried for murder." "I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world." "Come along." "Oh." "May i say something?" "Yes, of course." "Think twice before you do this." "I think it's foolish." "Foolish?" "Madam, that's my nature." "I'm a carovian." "Well, have you forgotten that there's someone here in london" "Who would very much like to kill you?" "What could this possibly have to do with the suicide club?" "I don't know." "But it sounds to me like one of their ideas." "Nonsense." "Come along, gerry." "Get your hat." "Yes, well, if i'm going along," "I'll take my aunty's plum pudding and have it waxed" "After we get the dog acquitted." "Please don't quarrel anymore." "I'm a little frightened." "Frightened?" "Oh, please, don't go." "It's reckless." "I think it's even dangerous." "But what would you do if you were i?" "Well..." "I suppose i'd go." "Well, if we're going to do this, let's get it over with." "Prince florizel, how do you plead?" "A very neat trap, mr." "President " "Elaborate but irresistible." "Isn't it?" "I was pretty certain" "That i had combined the exact elements to bring you here." "Your wholesome curiosity and your weakness for adventure" "Are engaging qualities, your highness." "Too bad it should prove your undoing." "But we cannot tarry too long over these niceties." "How do you plead, your highness " "Guilty or not guilty?" "Of what am i accused?" "Treason." "Treason?" "That's a serious charge, sir." "Treason to what?" "To the people of carovia." "I didn't know " "Who is my accuser?" "Dr. Franz noel." "Oh, yes." "Yes, i've heard of him." "If i remember correctly," "He himself was exiled for treason once " "An act of mercy on the part of my father," "Mistaken mercy." "I assure you that mistake will not be repeated" "In the case of your highness." "And where is this dr." "Noel?" "I, sir, am dr." "Noel." "Why, you upstart!" "You" " Just a moment." "May i commend your cleverness, sir?" "I presume that the whole machinery of the suicide club" "Was contrived so that you might kill me" "Without risk to yourself." "Very nice, indeed." "Oh, no, sir." "You do me too great honor." "The suicide club was quite real." "And i might say that, for sometime," "It's been the source of a very neat revenue for me" "And very pleasant work." "So you can imagine my surprise and pleasure" "When you walked in that night." "Look here, you maniac," "If you don't open those doors and release us " "One moment, please." "Dr. Noel's discourse is most interesting." "I presume that my offense is a capital one," "Undoubtedly punishable by death." "Oh, by all means." "I don't see how it could be otherwise." "Do you?" "And of course you have in mind" "No such old-Fashioned irrelevancy as a fair trial." "A fair trial, as you call it, your highness," "Would prove only a tedious quibble." "No." "In the interest of time, we can dispense with that." "I think not." "No trial." "Anything else?" "May i inquire as to the method of my execution?" "Traitors are usually hanged." "For all its imperialistic origin, hanging has its value." "You'll find an excellent improvised gallows" "In my private chamber." "And have you taken into consideration" "That you also will hang?" "Oh, how inconsistent you are, sir." "First, you flatter, then you underestimate me." "No." "There's a lime pit somewhere in london." "Your disappearance will be as complete and unobtrusive" "As our escape." "And now, don't you think" "That we've enjoyed each other's discourse quite long enough?" "I do not wish to bore you, sir." "Stay where you are, you swine!" "There's enough high explosive in this bomb" "To send all of you to kingdom come." "Don't think i didn't suspect a trick when i came here." "But i came prepared." "Get away from that door!" "Go on, get away." "Get around, i say." "Now, go on, get back there." "Get back, get back, get around." "Get around, i say." "Now, go on over there with that " "Oh!" "Dr. Noel: stop them!" "Quick!" "This way" " The door!" "I'm right behind you." "Constable." "Constable, a friend of mine is in terrible trouble." "Come quickly." "Trouble?" "Where?" "Of what nature?" "Bramley street." "Criminals." "I'm afraid they're gonna kill him." "Anarchists." "Anarchists?" "Lead on." "Well, sir, where are they?" "And where's your friend?" "He must have gotten away." "Wait a minute." "There's a gallows in that room." "The gallows seem to have got away, too." ""Mr. Godall, colonel geraldine is safe, for the moment " ""Shall we say a prisoner of war?" ""As we are both gentlemen," ""I now feel that this entire affair should be settled" ""On the field of honor." ""So if you value colonel geraldine's life," ""You will come at 2:00 tomorrow morning" ""To the place designated on the enclosed map." "You will come alone."" ""If you come, colonel geraldine will be released" ""No matter what the outcome of the duel," ""And he may act as your second." ""In other words, for a chance to kill you," "I am willing to give you a chance to kill me."" ""If you do not come" ""Or if you endeavor to engage the support of the police," ""Be assured i will not hang the colonel until daybreak " "Dr. Noel."" "Well, i guess that settles scotland yard." "Brenda:" "what are you going to do?" ""Do"?" "What can i do?" "Wait until 2:00, follow instructions," "And meet dr." "Noel as he requested." "I didn't think the doctor was capable" "Of being quite so sporting." "Oh, you're doing him a great injustice." "He's going to meet you on the field of honor," "Let you kill him, free geraldine," "And to ensure your safe return to carovia," "Provide you with an escort of his worthiest henchmen" "To protect you." "Yes." "Yes, you're quite right." "I wonder what makes it possible for him" "To think up these little tricks." "You don't suppose it could be the shape of his head, do you?" "Very likely." "A challenge - And he knew you'd accept it." "Yes, of course." "And he won't be alone." "Well, we have until 2:00 to think up something." "And then trap or no trap, i'll have to follow instructions." "When i was young, i read a book on fighting the american indian." "It was an excellent book." "I read it twice." "Dr. Noel is a lot of things, but he's not an american indian." "The point the book made was that the american indian" "Is successfully fought only by his own methods." "Ooh, crumpets." "Do you always think best with your mouth full?" "Mm-Hmm." "I've got it." "What?" "Wait a minute now." "One more detail." "And we'll return getting them to..." "Those zulu torture implements." "You know, i envy you, major." "I must say, they improve my collection." "Would you like to stop off at my flat and see them?" "Oh, quite." "Righto." "Um, the albany, my man." "I say, this fellow is driving as if he meant business." "Dash it all, the blighter's nowhere near piccadilly." "You don't suppose he's taking us" "To some lowly spot to be held up?" "If he is, he'll have his hands full." "Hello, there." "Florizel: yes, sir?" "What is it, sir?" "Uh, where do you think you're going?" "To mr." "Morris' villa, sir." "You fool." "We said the albany." "We don't want to go to any mr." "Morris' villa." "I thought you might, sir." "He's giving a sort of party," "And he asked me to secure as many gentlemen as i could" "In evening dress before midnight." ""By preference - Military officers" "With a taste for adventure," he said." "Uh, what manner of nonsense is this?" "He also asked me to say that there is a certain project" "Requiring the services of brave men," "A hazardous project but strictly in keeping" "With the honor of a gentleman." "Suppose we refuse to accept" "Mr. Morris' most irregular invitation?" "Then, sir, i am to drive you back where i took you from." "Mr. Morris says men who have no stomach for adventure" "Are not the men for him." "How is your stomach, major?" "Drive on, my man, but, mind you, no hanky-Panky." "No, sir." "No hanky-Panky." "And now, gentlemen, may i ask your names?" "I am major o'rook." "Major o'rook?" "Oh, yes, of course." "I've seen your picture in the papers." "The zulu campaign, i believe." "I was there, sir." "And a very fortunate thing for england that you were, sir." "And yours, sir?" "Captain rich." "You may call me mr." "Morris." "And now, gentlemen," "If you will accept my hospitality for a few moments," "I will answer a few of the questions" "Which i know you would like to ask." "Will you announce these two gentlemen, please?" "Major o'rook and captain rich." "Yes, sir." "Major o'rook and captain rich." "Well, well, well, what's this?" "Why, hello, major." "Abeget - Saw you at the club an hour ago." "You, too, major." "Quite so." "Oh, mr." "Hall, mr." "Deary." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Uh, what do you make of all this?" "I don't know." "But very hospitable, though." "Oh, uh, please, go on with your game." "Righto." "Will you excuse me, please?" "Surely." "Why, of course." "Well, what do you think of them?" "Yes and no." "The last two seem the best yet." "I've weeded out several already." "Bad losers at cards, nerves, or talk too much," "Didn't drink well " "There are enough left, i think, if they all stay." "What did you tell them?" "Something different for each one." "I lie very well, you know." "Yes." "Yes, i have found that out, miss vandeleur." "Glad i came?" "Very." "And now you're going." "No, i'm not." "From now on, this task is mine." "It's time to get them together and put the question." "It is, indeed." "So?" "Tell me this" " Suppose these men disappoint you," "Suppose none of them will stand by," "Will you go anyway, alone?" "Yes." "Florizel." "Yes?" "I wanted to find out what sort of man you were." "Well, i have found out." "Will i do?" "I will never meet anyone who will ever do half as well." "Nor i." "Yes, this is the place." "Is it?" "But this ain't nowhere." "Eh, if it ain't nowhere, it must be somewhere." "Good night." "Shall i wait, sir?" "No, off you go." "Just as you say, sir." "Ah, my reception committee." "Raise your hands, please." "All right, come along." "Not finished yet?" "Almost." "Looks remarkably like a grave." "A grave, it is." "About the right size." "Well, you'll be comfortable in it anyway." "Come along." "You'll have to get rid of that stick." "Oh, sorry." "You shouldn't have come here!" "Sit down!" "Good evening, dr." "Noel." "I'm sorry if i've kept you waiting." "Gerry, you didn't expect to see me here, did you?" "Why did you come here?" "Why?" "Why?" "My invitation was so attractive, i couldn't resist it." "I need scarcely say" "How delighted i am to see your highness." "As i am the challenged party, i have the choice of weapons." "Shall we say rapiers?" "No." "No, your highness." "No rapiers." "Possibly, you would prefer pistols?" "I'm afraid all that we have is..." "A rope." "I see." "A field of dishonor." "I deeply regret the necessity" "Of dispensing with sportsmanship and honor on this occasion." "But i cannot indulge myself in such a luxury" "At the expense of my country." "Your country?" "Yes." "My country." "Your destruction," "Or shall we say the destruction of what you represent," "Has a higher claim upon me than any satisfaction" "Of my personal honor." "You see, i am a true patriot." "I seem to be in error, gerry." "You are not to be my second." "Why not?" "You shall die first." "He shall die second." "You are more ingenious than witty, sir." "You're not amused?" "So sorry." "Now, sir, are you ready?" "I know that last requests are tedious." "May i write a farewell note?" "Certainly." "Pen and ink for his highness." "I would have done this before," "But, you see, i expected to kill you." "I salute your courage but not your judgment." "What an asset you would have made to the patriotic cause." "What a pity you were born a prince." "I thought so myself once." "I'm not so sure of it now." "What's the matter, old girl, are you hungry?" "I have no postage stamp." "And now, sir." "Hands up!" "All of you!" "Hands up, i say." "Search them." "Search them all." "Not bad, eh, gerry?" "Oh, well done, my boy." "But you shouldn't have risked it." "Sir, i have the honor to report the objective secured." "Congratulations, major, to both you and your staff." "The dog must have done remarkably well." "A truly remarkable dog, dr." "Noel." "He'll follow a few drops of cinnamon oil" "To the ends of the earth " "A trick i feel almost worthy of you." "Extraordinary." "And now i take it that we shall continue our policy" "Of avoiding a public sensation" "And that i and my friends are at liberty to disperse?" "Sorry, dr." "Noel." "I disagree." "I have looked forward too long to this meeting" "To forego any of the pleasures i had anticipated." "Captain rich." "Sir." "I feared you might neglect to bring these." "So i took the precaution." "Very considerate of you." "And now, doctor, your friends and mine" "Will wait in the garden." "In the event that you leave this room alone," "You and your friends will be free to go where you please." "I appreciate your generosity" "And shall greatly enjoy the opportunity that it gives me." "Gentlemen, my deepest gratitude." "And now, will you please leave us alone?" "Choose." "En garde." "And now, dr." "Noel," "Let us proceed to the grave that you so carefully prepared." "Adieu, dr." "Noel." "Her royal highness" "The princess Brenda carlotta augusta victoria louisa" "Of irania." "I have the very great honor" "Of presenting to your royal highness princess Brenda" "My son, florizel." "This is indeed the happiest day of my life, as i realize" "That the forthcoming union of our houses" "Will strengthen forever the already existing friendship" "Between our two great kingdoms."