"You see, that's the kind of zip-a-dee-doo-dah that makes today's young people so darned interesting." "Codswallop, Jack." "Their foolishness is only going to get them in trouble." "What, you're in favor of the poverty tax?" "Why don't you tax the lame while you're at it?" "Maybe you can force those lazy bastards to walk." "Of course I'm not in favor of the tax." "But I'm equally opposed to those young girls risking their lives in your name." "Codswallop." "(GASPS)" "Oh, dear, it's going to take more than zip-a-dee-doo-dah to get them out of this one." "Jack?" "You three, halt." "Mon petit, you seem to have mistaken this boat for the Louvre." "JACK:" "Bonjour." "(LAUGHING)" "If you want to expose yourself to art, you've come to the right place." "(JACK LAUGHING)" "(GROANING)" "Oh, you got paint on your sleeve." "Here, have a new coat." "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANS)" "So much for your brush with greatness." "Oh, ladies, please, two at a time." "WOMAN:" "My hero." "Oh, come on." "They're harmless." "Those poor misguided girls hang off Dragoon's every word, Jack." "And his influence isn't helping them." "What do you mean?" "They're getting out there and they're taking the frog by the legs." "Besides, young people need role models." "(SCOFFING)" "Proper role models don't run around telling impressionable young minds to, and I quote, "Keep sticking it to the man."" "Well, I'm not going to run around telling them to drink their milk." "(CHUCKLING)" "Jack, you may not want to hear this, but perhaps the Dragoon has outlived his usefulness." "Oh, that'll be the day." "You're just jealous because I've got a fan club of worshippers who cherish and adore me." "(SCOFFING)" "If I wanted a fan club, I could just as easily run around dressed up in a clown suit, spouting off inanities." "Go for it." "(JEAN-CLAUDE SQUAWKING)" "Oh, woe is me." "Hey J.C., what's the matter?" "You sound horrible." "Oh, after a night of debauchery," "I awoke with a splitting headache and a surprise tattoo." "I don't see any tattoo." "And you won't." "Unless we make it to a third date, madame." "Well, anyway, I bring urgent news." "Napoleon has sent an inspector to evaluate the Governor's performance and bring a new tax bill for Croque to sign." "(COUGHING) Vive la..." "Tell me when we get to the part where I should care." "Jack, if Croque fails, he'll be replaced by someone who's, well, competent." "Someone who could pose a very real threat to the people of this island." "Okay." "When the Inspector shows up, we'll cork him on the beaner and have him home in time for Bastille Day." "That would hardly help the Governor pass the inspection." "Look, I don't think Croque can pass anything except for a couple of kidney stones." "(SIGHS)" "I'm afraid I have to agree with you on this one, Jack." "Well, then let me don my disguise and we'll start cracking some heads." "You'll be donning a disguise, all right." "(CHATTERING)" "Okay, don't worry about a thing, Governor." "Yeah." "(LAUGHING) Madame." "Emilia." "Brogard!" "To the diamond mine, Pierre." "CROQUE:" "Take care of the chateau, Emilia." "We will return in two days." "Inspector." "Welcome to Palau-Palau, Inspector." "Ribette, Louis Ribette." "Who are you?" "Emilia Rothschild, local exporter and the Governor's close personal friend." "Where is Croque?" "Uh..." "Oh, here he comes now." "(LAUGHING)" "Bonjour, monsieur." "(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won" "And Uncle Sam's favorite son" "Had a job he needed done" "Which brought Jack to a lady" "Both beautiful and smart" "Who found his mix intriguing" "A scoundrel with a heart!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "There was never a leatherneck braver" "A daring dragoon is he!" "He'll halt the bold advance" "Of Napoleon's attack" "There ain't a French or pirate rogue" "Who don't know Jack!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "Sailin' 'round the bloody world" "To defend democracy" "And when ya need a fightin' man" "To trust or watch your back" "Just ask the bloke right next to ya" "Damn right!" "It's Jack!" "You know, this is never gonna work." "I'm out, sister." "Yes, what were we thinking?" "Only a talented actor could rise to the challenge." "What are you trying to say?" "Well, let's face it, Jack." "When it comes to acting like an obnoxious oaf, you take the prize, but it's not exactly the same thing as Shakespeare." "I'll have you know, missy, that my undercover work would be world-renowned if it weren't classified." "Well, let's hope you're right, because it's too late to change our mind now." "The Inspector thinks you're the Governor." "All right." "Hey, speaking of which, how'd you get rid of the old Croquester anyway?" "I started a rumor that a diamond mine was discovered on the island's eastern coastline." "Croque and Brogard were gone before you could say "greedy buggers."" "Now, do try to comport yourself with a modicum of authority." "Hey, maybe later you can show me how to hold my pinky while I'm sipping tea." "Now, as long as you don't go into town, no one will recognize you." "And if Ribette asks you to sign a new tax into law, you stall him." "Hey, what do I look like to you, a novice?" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "RIBETTE:" "Croque!" "Sign the tax bill and take me into town!" "(GRUNTS)" "Uh, well, Inspector," "I have a policy never to sign anything without reading it two or three hundred times." "Sign it now!" "Stay out of town and stall him." "Any other bright ideas, brainiac?" "Yes, actually, now that you mention it." "Get new partner." "Return old one to chimp school." "Well, at least this chimp's plan wasn't bananas." "Inspector." "How do you find your accommodation?" "Dreadful." "Where are all my servants?" "The Governor was kind enough to give his estate staff the day off." "Right, Governor?" "Well, the day?" "Hell, I gave them the whole week off." "As I always say, rested servants are less likely to revolt and stab your eyes out in your sleep." "I should be frank with you, Governor Croque." "I am here to evaluate your performance." "Your brother is worried that you are an idiot." "(LAUGHING)" "He is such a cad, the little monkey." "I assure you, Inspector, these people live in abject fear of my brutal tyranny." "(GRUNTING)" "(GRUNTING)" "What kind of trickery is this?" "Vive la résistance!" "This is an outrage!" "What do you think of your fan club now, Governor?" "Kids, you've got to love them." "(LAUGHING)" "No self-respecting tyrant would stand for such mockery!" "Well, Inspector, you must understand." "This is how the locals pay tribute." "You see, see how they offer up their hard-earned groceries?" "Thank you very much." "Please." "Oh, you are too kind." "Are you girls completely insane?" "You just threw tomatoes at the Inspector General of France." "Even the smallest victory is a crucial step toward justice." "It's what the Dragoon would have done." "Because he's, like, smart and stuff." "And if the Dragoon told you a stork delivered you to your parents one fine morning, you'd believe that as well, I suppose." "Thank goodness for the stork." "You're an aristocrat." "I don't expect you to understand." "Well, I don't understand your need to die before your 21st birthday." "It's easy to be sanctimonious on a full stomach." "Some of us aren't so lucky." "Come on." "EMILIA: "So You Want to Be A Governor?"" ""The Idiot's Guide to French Oppression. "" "What is this, a 12-step program to dictatorship?" "No, I read that one, too." "Highly over-rated." "You know, if I didn't know any better," "I'd say you're starting to take this job seriously." "Well, you know, I gotta admit, governing has its appeal." "Besides, I'm not about to let Inspector Clueless get the best of me." "You know, your groupies almost ruined it for us today." "Oh, come on, now." "Their hearts are in the right place." "Yes, I suppose you're right." "You know, Em, you're funny." "An hour ago you wanted them spanked and grounded." "Well, I'll admit I admire their fanatical devotion to a cause if you admit you've created a monster." "Yeah, but it's a monster with great gams." "RIBETTE:" "Croque!" "Looks like Ribette just hit the fan." "Oh!" "EMILIA:" "Hurry up, Jack." "(GRUNTING)" "RIBETTE:" "Vandals, you will be hung!" "Inspector, what's going on?" "What is the alarm, gendarme?" "Look what these criminals have done." "It is an outrage." "Oh, well, I'm sure it is just... (GASPS)" "Gadzooks!" "Governor, a leader of resolute authority would promptly punish these tramps for their insolence." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "But, Inspector, there seems to be some kind of a misunderstanding because the Governor is widely thought of as a mother figure to all his people." "Of course, there are some who say" "I am the biggest mother figure in the whole world." "Governor, as I see it, there is only one course of action to deter that type of rebellion from spreading." "Oh, well, yes, of course." "Any good leader is open to suggestion." "Not this time." "This is your final chance." "Fail this, and a new governor who knows how to deal with such insurrections will be here in the blink of an eye!" "So, how are we going to deal with these ruffians?" "Well..." "I would have to say, execute them at once." "(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)" "Tres bien." "It's about time you started showing some backbone, Croque." "Well, I was just waiting for the perfect moment." "Governor, are you out of your mind?" "You can't kill these poor girls." "Nonsense." "He's the Governor." "He can do as he pleases." "In theory, yes, but not if he fears the wrath of the Dragoon." "(LAUGHING)" "Do not worry about the caped ape, madame." "I have it on very good authority that he is on vacation." "But he's never so far gone that he can't see where he's needed." "(JACK SNICKERING)" "Well, there is an old Latin proverb that applies to this situation." "It is..." ""lxnay on the Agoondray."" "What does this mean?" "The Dragoon is a crusader for the people and he won't let those girls die without a fight." "She has been drinking the water again, Inspector." "Don't listen to her." "Another criminal, huh?" "Let him come." "The more the merrier!" "What are you doing?" "Reading Croque's laws." "Maybe I can figure out a way to throw the book at the Inspector." "It's about time you started talking some sense." "Lead with the spine and aim for the bridge of his nose." "Em, what gives?" "Since the first day we met, you've been accusing me of being a Neanderthal who only knows how to solve his problems with his fist." "And since that very day, you've portrayed me to be the most civilized bore ever to threaten the fate of the world through her inaction." "Yeah, but this time we've got the law on our side and I'm gonna prove to Ribette that this here toadstool ain't big enough for the both of us." "Wake up and smell the pond scum, Jack." "It's time for some good old-fashioned American strong-arm tactics." "But we haven't even tried the strong arm of the law." "He is the law." "Not while I'm Governor." "But you're not the Governor." "I won't tell if you won't." "(SIGHS)" "If Baldo doesn't like it, then Baldo can just kiss my waxy, white lily..." "Croque, it is a fine afternoon for a hanging, is it not?" "Inspector," "I have decided to delay the execution until we can have a proper trial." "Just when you do something right, you open your mouth and ruin everything!" "Inspector, I have found that these people respond better to a gentle hand than a closed fist." "Besides, they're just children." "Just children?" "They are the enemies of France!" "Let this be a lesson to whomever taught them such horrible behavior!" "Believe me, they will get a spanking they will never forget." "I doubt I will forget it, either." "Zut alors, this will not stand!" "Oh?" "I beg to differ." "According to Article 8," "Section 12 of the Pulau-Pulau Constitution, it states that the Governor has the sole authority to, and I quote," ""Inquire into facts, apply the law, and declare judgment."" "You fool!" "Napoleon has given me the authority to fire you." "Guards, arrest the Governor at once!" "Well, I'm glad we straightened that out." "(GUARDS SHOUTING)" "(LAUGHS)" "This won't hurt much." "Have you any last words?" "'Tis a far greater thing to take the life from my body than the fire from my loins." "(RAZZING)" "Not even in death will you tear the Dragoon away from my bosom." "Roses are red, violets are blue," "I hate the Governor and Napoleon also." "Unless the ex-Governor has any further objections, let the killing begin!" "Un." "Deux." "Oh, it's too horrible." "What?" "I can't watch." "I think I'm going to barf." "(GROANING)" "Yeah." "Croque or no Croque, time for the Daring Dragoon to kick some blowhard butt." "EMILIA:" "Well, well, well." "Ha!" "I would've RSVPed, but I didn't wanna spoil the surprise." "What manner of trickery is this?" "Silly Ribette, tricks are for kids." "RIBETTE:" "Kill him!" "(LAUGHING)" "RIBETTE:" "You missed, fools!" "WOMAN:" "We knew you'd save us." "This is no place to hang around." "I don't say stupid stuff like that." "(LAUGHING)" "Do I?" "(GRUNTS)" "How does he make this look so easy?" "Well, don't just stand there." "Get him." "Don't just stand there." "Help him up." "(GROANS)" "How clumsy of me." "(GROWLING)" "RIBETTE:" "Get him!" "You know what they say, no noose is good noose." "Oh, please." "Run, go." "(EXCLAIMS ANGRILY)" "Get up, get up." "Go help them." "(GROANING)" "Oh, are you okay?" "Oh, help this man." "Okay, to make it fair on you guys, I'll even close my eyes." "Down the hatch." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Finally got to throw the book at someone." "(SCREAMING)" "Prepare yourself for the next life, Inspector." "Sacrebleu." "In the name of all that is sacred, save me from this heartless criminal." "Well, of course I would love to help, but I am no longer Governor." "You relieved me of duty." "Save me and the job is yours for life." "Deal." "What is it you want, heathen?" "Veto the poverty tax or the blubbering blowhard gets the shiv." "No." "That I cannot do." "Because, you see, a good leader never shows weakness in the face of adversity." "No deal, Dragoon." "As you wish." "Wait, wait." "I..." "I changed my mind." "A good leader knows how to negotiate." "Very well." "As long as you promise never to show your ugly masked face in these parts again." "Not even at Mardi Gras?" "Take it or leave it." "Very well." "I know not to challenge a master of tact and reason such as yourself, Governor." "I'll take that." "Now, Inspector, about that report." "I'm glad to see the daughters of the Dragoon have decided to retire." "What on earth did you say to them?" "Just that the old Dragoon had things covered in the superhero department." "And you'll be pleased to know the Governor has returned very upset there were no diamonds to be found, but happily surprised by his new raise." "Well, if it ain't Croque, don't fix it." "That's what I always say." "Looks like force and diplomacy can go hand in hand after a while." "Yeah, speaking of which, where'd you learn to prance around like that?" "And those lame one-liners." "Come on." "I wonder where I picked that up." "But not to worry." "I have no intention of moving in on your territory." "As long as you admit that I was rather scintillating." "Well, I will say this, baby." "You put the "ooh" in Dragoon." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "All right, come on." "Give me your best shot." "I'll hurt you." "You think you're so good." "Are you sure?" "Come on, don't hold back." "Let's go." "(GROANING)" "Take it like a man." "Oh, like a man?" "What kind of a punch was that?" "I didn't mean "hit me" hit me."