"( theme song playing )" "Carter, I hate to criticize, but I think you're making the soap too strong." "It's got to be strong if you're going to get rid of the dirt." "But not strong enough to get rid of the clothes." "Well, it's not that strong." "You think it isn't?" "Now that's what I call strong." "We've got company." "Burkhalter visiting Klink?" "Looks official." "Let's listen in." "It is always a great honor to have you drop in, General Burkhalter." "Klink, I didn't just drop in." "Of course not." "It was very dignified, the way you drove up, sir." "Very impressive." "I remember saying to myself," ""This is not just dropping in."" "Would you care for a cigarette, sir?" "No." "Would you care for a chocolate-covered candy?" "I do not eat candy." "I'm on a diet." "( chuckling ):" "You're on a diet, sir?" "Oh, that's ridiculous." "I should be on a diet." "Let the wastebasket get fat." "Now, the reason why I'm here is a matter of utmost secrecy." "What I'm going to tell you is for your ears alone." "KLINK:" "You can depend on me, sir." "You know that." "I do not know anything of the kind." "But I have no... choice... ( voice cutting out )" "Now, listen." "In the next few days, you can expect..." "What's wrong with this thing?" "You been making coffee with it again?" "No." "( voice cutting out )" "KLINK:" "Very interesting." "Now, as I understand it, what you want me to do is is to see that... ( voice cutting out )" "BURKHALTER:" "That's exactly right." "What's exactly right?" "KLINK:" "You can depend on me, General." "BURKHALTER:" "Now remember, no one is to know about this." "KLINK:" "Rest assured, General, wild horses couldn't drag a word out of me." "It's coming in nice and clear now." "BURKHALTER:" "I'll be checking with you." "Heil Hitler." "Yeah, I never heard a clearer "Heil Hitler."" "What do you think it's all about?" "I wish I knew." "They said that it's something that's going to happen within the next few days, but what?" "Why don't we just wait and see what it is when it happens?" "Because when it happens, it may turn out to be a happening that we don't want to happen." "Anything new on Klink?" "Nothing." "He keeps going to the mirror to look at himself." "He's still carrying on that lifelong romance, huh?" "Any word from the coffee pot, Kinch?" "Nothing much." "Made a few phone calls-- one to his tailor to get him to rush his new uniform." "New uniform, huh?" "And a couple of phone calls about getting the camp cleaned up, a few buildings painted." "That's interesting." "You think it's a clue, Colonel?" "Yeah, it means the something we're looking for is a someone." "I say, that's good thinking." "That's why I'm a colonel." "If it's a someone, who is it?" "If I was that smart, I'd be a general." "I have to go to work on Klink." "( knocking )" "Come in, come in." "Yes, Hogan, what is it?" "I'm very busy." "I know you are, sir." "I just wanted to tell you I had the men cleaning up the barracks, getting uniforms in shape." "That's good." "So you have nothing to worry about when he..." "Oops." "What'd you say?" "Nothing, nothing." "Forget it." "Slip of the tongue." "You said he." "Who do you mean?" "Nobody, nobody." "I didn't say anything." "Hogan, I heard you." "What do you know?" "Absolutely nothing." "Only you and General Burkhalter know." "I can tell when a man is lying." "You do know." "Colonel, it's uncanny the way you see through someone." "Who else knows?" "Nobody." "I give you my word as an officer and a gentleman." "I haven't told my men." "You're sure the men don't know?" "I just gave you my word." "Personally, I think the man's a fraud." "You don't believe the formula that he's working on?" "Really, Colonel, do you believe it?" "Well, I must admit that a metal that's stronger than steel and lighter is quite a claim, but the high command itself has checked it." "Come on, Colonel." "If the high command is so smart, what are they doing on the Russian front?" "He's a very famous scientist." "Famous, my foot." "I'll bet he's not even listed in Who's Who." "I'll show you how smart you are." "He is listed." "I looked it up." "There." "Carl Svenson, Swedish chemist... specializing in metal alloys." "You see?" "I told you he was listed." "I should have bet you..." "just to teach you a lesson." "Yeah, I admit I was wrong." "Now I can see why you're going to all this trouble to impress him, to win him over." "That shows how much you know." "We've already won him over." "We just want to prove to him what wonderful, warm people we Germans are." "Well, yeah, you can't keep a thing like that a secret." "Hogan!" "I wish I knew how you found out about Dr. Svenson." "I bet it was somebody with a big mouth." "Oh, that I can tell you." "It was somebody with a big mouth." "All right, here's the story on Svenson." "Everything they know about him from Allied headquarters." "He's quite a boy, a genius." "They know he was working on the alloy, but they didn't know he'd finished it." "What's so important about Svenson's alloy?" "Can you imagine an airplane that's faster because it's lighter and with an armor that's stronger than anything we have?" "And tanks and battleships, just to name a few?" "What are we going to do, Colonel, steal the formula?" "No." "We wouldn't be sure if we had the right formula, and we're not even sure he has it with him." "The only thing we can be sure about is he hasn't turned it over to the Nazis yet." "Otherwise, they wouldn't be making such a big fuss over him." "We have to stop him before he turns it over." "That's right." "How are we going to do that?" "There's only one way." "We got to knock him off." "Well, Dr. Svenson, what do you think about our little stalag?" "Well, I must tell you the truth:" "I do not like prisons of any kind." "I don't like them, either, but we have our jobs to perform." "Yours is science;" "mine is running a prison." "Well, I suppose a P.O.W. camp is a necessary evil." "What a wonderful thought, and how beautifully expressed." "Oh, yes, my men are happy here." "But one hears such terrible stories of P.O.W. camps." "Oh, no..." "I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't know you were busy." "I'll come back." "Hogan, stay." "We're never too busy for you." "One of our prisoners." "Hogan, what can I do for you?" "Look for yourself, sir-- healthy, happy." "As always, I am at your service." "Oh, the men think of me like their father." "Everything all right, huh?" "Everything is all right, isn't it, Hogan?" "Any complaints?" "No?" "Uh, no complaints, are there?" "I'm doing my best, sir." "I can't think of one." "Not one complaint." "KLINK:" "And you are happy here?" "HOGAN:" "Oh, very happy." "Delirious." "Oh, we're one big, happy family." "We live together." "We sleep together." "We eat together." "That reminds me, Colonel, there is one complaint." "There's one complaint?" "Yes." "At dinner last night, there was just a touch too much lemon in the sauce Bearnaise." "I remember that." "Remind me;" "I must talk to the cook about that." "I am very glad to see that you treat your prisoners so well." "Oh, the colonel's all heart." "Oh, yes, I am." "You see, my men are prisoners in name only." "I give them all the freedom in the world." "Oh, well, I must be getting back to town." "Oh, by all means." "And may I take you in my car?" "It's a nice little town, isn't it?" "You have been there?" "Oh, yes." "Every week, Colonel Klink allows us to go to town on pass." "It's part of the honor system." "Isn't that right, sir?" "Yes, that's right." "Oh, that is very enlightened treatment." "And no one ever tries to escape?" "Heavens to Betsy, why should we when we have it so good here?" "Incidentally, that reminds me, Colonel, it may have slipped your mind, but the men and I haven't been to town in over two weeks." "Some other time?" "They're going to be awfully disappointed, sir." "I don't want to discuss it now." "This is the first time you've gone back on your word, sir." "I, uh..." "I don't know how I'm going to tell the men." "Hogan..." "Well, I didn't want to spoil the surprise, sir, but the reason they were going to town was to get you a birthday present." "It's not my birthday." "Birthdays aren't on the calendar." "It's in the heart." "Colonel... it seems to me if the men are looking forward to it..." "I'd love to, Dr. Svenson, but there's no transportation." "We'll go in your car." "It's too crowded." "I wouldn't care." "Then it's settled." "I'll get packed." "Good!" "Hold it!" "Halt!" "Take it easy, Schultz." "I'm just getting a drink of water." "Don't be so jumpy." "You heard what the commandant said." "No monkey business." "So everybody sit down, and no tricks." "Come on, Schultz, you wouldn't really shoot us... would you?" "I have my instructions." "If necessary, shoot to kill." "So no funny stuff." "All right, fellas, take it easy on Schultz." "CARTER:" "Boy, some vacation." "Might just as well be back at camp for all the good we're doing here." "I wouldn't say that." "Svenson's room is on this floor." "At least we're close to him." "Yeah, well, we ain't gonna get any closer, not with that bloated Doberman pinscher watching us." "( yawning )" "I'm getting sleepy." "( yawning loudly )" "Think I'll take a nap, too." "( Heroes yawning loudly )" "* Lullaby, lullaby... *" "( Heroes humming )" "( yawns )" "( humming continues )" "( snoring )" "( humming stops )" "( mouthing )" "Room 406, please." "( with German accent ):" "Hello, Dr. Svenson?" "Is Colonel Klink there?" "General Burkhalter calling." "Send that boy to camp." "( with German accent ):" "Hello, Klink?" "You idiot!" "What are you doing in town?" "I am here at your office waiting for you." "Are you arguing with me, Klink?" "Now listen." "I want you back here at camp right away." "I am counting." "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "( phone clicks )" "I think he'll break some records getting back to camp." "Got the bomb?" "Right here." "It's a most unusual fountain pen-- for writing off people." "And the whole thing is a bomb?" "We're only blowing up one guy." "How's it work?" "Well, you take the top off, it'll explode." "If you want a delayed action, you just twist this little ring that the clip's on." "It's like an egg timer." "Yeah, instead of the egg being finished, it's the guy that gets finished." "I wish it wasn't Svenson." "He seems like a nice guy." "I'm not crazy about the idea, either." "but it's got to be done." "( snoring )" "He's going to wake himself up." "How can he?" "He can't hear anything." "( knocking )" "Come in." "Doctor?" "Colonel Hogan." "I thought Colonel Klink was here." "Yes, he was, but he left in quite a hurry." "Some business at the camp." "Won't you sit down," "I'll be with you in a minute." "Speaking of business, doctor." "Are you going to give the Nazis your new metal alloy?" "That is supposed to be a secret." "Not anymore." "Whose side are you on?" "I'm not on either side." "I'm not a politician, I'm a scientist." "All I want is to end the war." "Good." "And we want to be the ones to end it." "Doctor, I can get you out of Germany with the Allies in two days." "No." "As soon as I finish the formula..." "You mean it isn't finished?" "Two or three more months work." "That's good news." "Gives me more time to swing you over to our side." "I told you, I am not taking sides." "You are wasting your time." "I don't mind wasting a little time, Doctor, if I can get you to see my point of view." "( chuckling )" "I am going downstairs for a drink." "Will you join me?" "I'd love to." "Eh..." "You want to write something?" "Oh, I was going to send somebody a message, but, uh, it can wait." "* Everything happens to me *" "* At first my heart thought you could break a jinx for me *" "* Und love would turn a trip to end despair *" "* But now I just can't fool this head *" "* But he's for me *" "* I mortgage all my castles in the air *" "* I telegraphed and phoned *" "* I sent an airmail special, too. *" "Look, if you don't like New York, there's always California." "!" "Shh." "* And there was even postage due *" "* I fell in love just once and then it had to be with you *" "* Everything happens to me *" "( song ends with flourish )" "( applause )" "Here's your drink." "I, uh, didn't realize you were such a music lover." "I'll have to tell her how much you enjoyed her performance." "You know her?" "You know that wonderful girl?" "Can I meet her?" "I think it could be arranged." "Fine!" "How soon?" "Why not right now?" "Wonderful!" "How's it all going?" "I think I found the good doctor's weakness." "In the report Kinch received from headquarters, what did it say about his being married?" "Said he'd been down the aisle, made the trip four times." "He's practically a commuter." "HOGAN:" "Yep, the good doctor's a sucker for dames." "You know, with a brainy fellow like that," "I thought he'd have had a more dignified weakness." "You know, like listening to symphonies." "Well, everybody hears a different drummer." "I think I'm going to pay Magda a visit." "How does she fit in to all this?" "Now, if you were in love with a girl that was going to go to Hollywood for a screen test, wouldn't you follow her?" "Of course I would." "Any man would." "The doctor's a man." "( knocking )" "Ja?" "Who is it?" "HOGAN:" "An admirer." "I had to see you." "I've never seen such a performance." "I've never been so moved." "Oh, ja, I noticed you." "You were the only one in the audience who wasn't applauding." "Well, that's right." "I was so moved, I couldn't move." "You really liked me?" "Your talent is for the world." "Oh!" "Excuse me, but, uh..." "who are you?" "I'm a Hollywood talent scout." "In the middle of the war?" "I'm a neutral." "Ah." "Tell me, have you ever thought of being a Hollywood star?" "A Hollywood star?" "Me?" "Please, don't say no, they need you." "But, uh, how would I get there?" "Leave that to me." "There is a war going on." "Just let me hear you say" ""I want to be a Hollywood star,"" "and I'll arrange for the screen test." "Well, then, yes, of course," "I want to be a Hollywood star!" "Then it's settled." "Oh, incidentally, these flowers are from another admirer." "A very important man." ""For the flower of my heart." "Woodrow Eisner"" "Well, that's not his name." "It's Dr. Carl Svenson." "A famous scientist." "Svenson..." "I never heard of him." "Well, he's been doing some secret work, but he's very famous." "He'd love you to have a late supper with him tonight." "Well, why he doesn't ask me himself?" "Well, he's shy." "Do you know what he said to me?" "He said, "You ask her," "I wouldn't know how to speak to a goddess."" "He said that?" "About me?" "She really said that about me?" "I can't believe it." "Well, maybe you'll believe it when she comes to your room for supper." "She's coming to my room?" "Insisted on it." "She wants to get to know you better." "Oh, how wonderful!" "For the first time in my life, I'm really in love." "You've been married four times." "Oh, that doesn't mean that I was in love." "No, Colonel, this is the real thing." "Have you never felt the love that comes to a man once in a lifetime?" "Dozens of times." "Another unhappy message from Allied headquarters, Colonel." "I don't blame them." "It's been almost a week and I haven't been able to get in touch with Svenson or Magda." "Headquarters is right" "I should have knocked Svenson off in town when I had the chance, instead of trying to play Cupid." "But if your plan had worked, we would have had Svenson on our side." "Yeah, but it didn't work." "Now he's going to complete the formula and give it to the Nazis." "( car approaching )" "Company coming." "General Burkhalter, what an unexpected pleasure to see you again, sir." "Unexpected, yes." "Pleasure, no." "This is Herr Grosser, of the Gestapo." "Heil Hitler." "What reason would the Gestapo have for being here?" "Of course, I will do everything in my power to cooperate fully with you, sir." "Last Tuesday you went to town with Dr. Carl Svenson." "Is that correct?" "Yes, sir." "But that was all right," "General Burkhalter told me to keep an eye on him." "On that evening, he met a young lady," "Magda Tischler, with whom he became romantically involved." "Since meeting her, he has not worked on his formula, for which our government is waiting." "Well, that's love for you." "Oh, it was a terrible thing." "BURKHALTER:" "Klink!" "You were responsible for Svenson." "How did it happen that he met this young lady?" "Because, sir, you ordered me to come back here to camp at once." "No!" "!" "And when I got here, you weren't here, not even a message." "No!" "Yes!" "Sir." "Sir." ""Returned to camp at order of General Burkhalter."" "This isn't true." "I was at my wife's sister's wedding." ""General says he was at wedding."" "Klink!" "Are you trying to crawl out of your responsibility?" "No, sir." "No, sir, no." "Gentlemen, I must be honest with you." "When I make my report to Berlin, you are both going to be in very big trouble." "Very big trouble." "KLINK ( over radio ):" "But I did get a call from General Burkhalter." "BURKHALTER ( over radio ):" "Klink!" "You are the last one I would call." "It's your fault he met that girl." "How do you like that?" "The romance did take." "Yeah, but now the Gestapo are going to put a fire under Svenson." "Yeah, I know." "We've got to figure some way to get to him before the Gestapo does." "This is a big day-- more company!" "We've got to reach Svenson and the girl." "Who is it?" "You just said it:" "Svenson and the girl." "Colonel Hogan!" "You are just the man that I want to see." "Yeah, and there's somebody who wants to see you, look..." "We want to get married, and we want you to be our best man." "Congratulations, but your honeymoon's going to be delayed." "I am giving up my career for Carl." "I'm no longer interested in Hollywood." "I just want to be his wife." "I hate to break the bad news to you kids, but the Nazis don't like romance-- especially yours." "What are you talking about?" "Here comes the answer man now." "Dr. Svenson!" "You tell them!" "Didn't I get a call from General Burkhalter in my room?" "Not that you called, General." "That's enough." "This woman is under arrest." "You can't do that." "We are being married." "What are your grounds for arrest?" "We cannot allow anything to interfere with your working on the formula." "That makes this woman an enemy of the Third Reich." "In that case, I have stopped work on the formula." "Colonel Klink!" "Place them both under arrest while I make my report to Berlin." "I'll pick up the prisoners later." "Who knows... there may be a few more prisoners by then, huh?" "Excuse me, sir," "I believe you dropped this." "( car engine starts )" "( explosion )" "Come with me!" "All right, get down into the tunnel." "There'll be somebody at the other end to get you to England." "I don't know how to thank you for all of this." "Giving the formula to our side is thanks enough." "Oh, wait a minute." "There is another thanks you can give me-- a kiss from the bride." "Good bye." "Good luck." "( sighs )" "Another day, another dollar." "You all saw what happened!" "I was never near the car when it exploded!" "Was I!" "That's right." "And that's what I'll tell them when they ask me." "And don't forget," "I was right here with General Burkhalter." "Well, let's see, now, were you?" "You know I was." "Yes, of course." "Yes, you were." "But there will be a very thorough investigation." "That's right!" "Who knows what they might find out." "There is one thing, though." "Nobody will get to see his report." "That's right, no report." "What about Svenson?" "That's right, what about Dr. Svenson?" "I thought I saw Svenson get in the car with the Gestapo man, didn't you?" "Yes, I think I saw that, too." "I know I saw it with my own eyes." "But what if Dr. Svenson..." "Are you going to question the general?" "General Burkhalter, if you saw it with your own eyes," "I saw it with my own eyes."