"Dear friends." "Tonight, our performance will take you to the beginning of the last century, to the times when Jara Cimrman wandered, as a director of his travelling troupe Lipany, from one gig to another to offer rural audiences entertainment and enlightenment" "in an attractive theatrical format." "Besides his own plays, he presented both Czech classics and an international repertoire." "On the basis of fragmentary testimony from contemporaries and village chronicles, we can attempt to determine what made Cimrman's traveling theater unique." "Above all it was the small number of actors." "At the time of its biggest popularity the troupe had six members." "When Cimrman wrote his own play, he counted with the fact his staff is limited." "A worse situation" "A worse situation came when he wanted to present a more difficult piece from a foreign pen." "His theatre company became famous for the resourceful way of dealing with such a challenging task." "After losing the litigation with a playwright Ladislav Stroupežnický, whose 'Our Dandies' Cimrman performed with only three actors," "Cimrman shouted while exiting the courtroom:" ""I don't give a damn to Your 'Our Dandies'!"" "And ever since, he focused on the playwrights who had been abroad or – safely – deceased." "For instance in Chekhov's play, he boldly cut the number of sisters to only one," "Alibaba and Forty Thieves he successfully staged under the title" ""Lone Wolf Alibaba"." "At a time when his troupe lacked women actors," "Cimrman didn't hesitate to play the famous Sophocles's piece as Antigonos." "In some more complicated cases he was forced to make more drastical modifications." "His most daring feat – long time discussed in theatrical circles – was his staging of Shakespeare's Hamlet without Hamlet." "To show you graphically how ingeniously Cimrman managed to do this, we will first read an extract from the original, uncut version written by William Shakespeare." "Please my colleagues to come before the curtain." "My colleague Šimon will read the part of Hamlet," "Mr. Penc the king, and Mr Svìrák will be the queen." "But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son." "How is it that the clouds still hang on you?" "Not so, my lord." "I am too much in the sun." "Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off, and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark." "Do not for ever with thy vailed lids seek for thy noble father in the dust." "Thou know'st 'tis common." "All that lives must die." "Ay, madam, it is common." "If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?" "'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother, nor customary suits of solemn black, nor the fruitful river in the eye, nor the dejected havior of the visage, together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief," "'that can denote me truly." "'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet." "But to persevere in obstinate condolement is a course of impious stubbornness." "Okay, that's enough." "It is thanks to the fact that an old copy of the play with Cimrman's own additions and deletions has been preserved, we can read the same passage of the famous" ""Hamlet without Hamlet"." "So we will not need our colleague Šimon any more." "Bad news, my king!" "Hamlet hid away again." "Pity," "I've just meant to tell him:" "But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son." "How is it that the clouds still hang on you?" "But as if I heard it, he'd answer me:" "Not so, my lord." "I am too much in the sun." "Yes, that's just like him." "And do you know what I would tell him?" "I would say:" "Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off, and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark." "Thou know'st 'tis common." "All that lives must die." "That's right." "And you know what he'd tell you?" "No." "He'd say:" "Ay, madam, it is common." "Yes, yes." "That's how he always tries to quibble away." "But I wasn't born yesterday." "I would ask him straight away:" "If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?" "Well, you'd have given it to him there!" "That would be grist for his mill." "You know how verbose he is." "As hell." "I know exactly how laboriously he'd answer such a simple question." "We spoke about a similar matter only the other day, at times when he didn't use to hide himself so much, and do you know what he told me?" "I deliberately copied it down here" "'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother, nor customary suits of solemn black, nor the fruitful river in the eye..." "What a composition!" "We shouldn't have let him study." "nor the fruitful river in the eye..." "For God's, who wrote that?" "Some guy named Shakespeare." "And there's more:" "...nor the dejected havior of the visage, together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief, 'that can denote me truly." "I don't know," "I might as well go find him and tell him:" "'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet." "But to persevere in obstinate condolement is a course of impious stubbornness." "As it is equally impious to hide yourself like a little kid." "Thank you gentlemen." "You may be wondering how Cimrman's Hamlet was received by the audience." "A conscientious-written chronicle of the town of Kopidlno gives us an account of his travelling troupe Lipany appearance in the local town hall on 15th October 1906." "From chronicle:" "When an announcement appeared in Mr. Hoffman's apothecary that a theatre company would play a world-renown piece Hamlet, the general public opinion was positive." "Hoffman the Pharmacist who had seen the stage play last year in the National Theatre in Prague, personally recommended it to all the customers and to educated ones he even divulged the chemical composition of the poison which would be inserted" "in the prince's father's ear later that night." "Until the break, the performance itself was watched with anticipation whether Hamlet, to whom everybody was looking forward, would finally makes his appearance onstage." "But since he kept hiding away in the second half of the play as well, the pharmacist Hoffman arranged a group of volunteers who offered to find the prince." "The gamekeeper Sodomka brought his dog from a pub nearby, asking for any prince's garment for the hound to catch the scent." "However, the actors were opposing the search for unfathomable reasons, even though they had been constantly complaining that they hadn't been able to find Hamlet." "After the fruitless audience-stage discussion, the pharmacist arranged another group to demand a refund of the ticket price." "The director of the travelling troupe tried to calm down the rising uproar, but nobody could hear him for the whole Castle of Elsinor was taken by a certain mountain gale, which, the pharmacist swore, was not in the National Theatre at all." "The performance ended literally in a fiasco." "Finally, not only Hamlet was nowhere to be found, but neither was anybody from the troupe which left the town in haste making their way towards the town of Jièín." ""Drop in again..."" "the pharmacist shouted after the escaping actors" ""and you shall see what drops I have in store for you!"" "That's the end of citation from chronicle of Kopidlno and also of my presentation." "Thank you for your attention." "Dear friends, during the times when Cimrman's troupe travelled around most of the pubs and gathering halls were already electrified." "But fairly often it happened that in the middle of a performance the current went dead and the whole theater fell into darkness." "After the fire of the National Theatre all candles or kerosene lamps were strictly forbidden." "There was no choice but to wait until the failure was eliminated." "For these inconvenient moments of waiting" "Cimrman wrote a humorous sketch which all took place in the dark." "When we discovered it among the remains of the actor Ota Plk, we realized that, long before the invention of the radio," "Jára Cimrman had laid the groundwork for radio plays." "After all, judge for yourself." "Turn out the lights, please." "Dearest audience, remain in your seats." "Due to the power cut we will perform for you a jolly sketch called "The Pitchest Black"." "Wife, don't you mind me going away from home and leaving you alone here in our flat which is at the same time a tailor's workshop?" "No matter." "I know that as a tailor you have to visit your customers at their homes when there is such a frequent power cut and you can't work without light." "So farewell, my wife." "Farewell, husband." "And don't slam the door or you'll wake up Grandpa who is sleeping in the adjoining room." "He's gone." "I was getting afraid that he'd never leave." "My lover will come at any moment." "It's František Križík." "He owns a power station and he turns off the power any time we want to bundle my husband away." "Is that you, my darling?" "Come in, the coast is clear." "Darling!" "Imagine that tram traffic is off again." "Finally I'm holding you in my arms." "Oh, how firm your hips are." "But that's a tailor's dummy, František." "Sorry, sorry." "And now?" "Is that you?" "Aren't you a dummy?" "Oh, František!" "I recognize you now." "If you were a dummy, you'd have a wooden pole from here to the ground." "Where are you, František?" "Here, honey." "May I kiss you?" "Kiss me, František." "But it seems to me that you've got a pipe in your mouth." "Grandpa?" "!" "Grandpa?" "Is that you?" "Yep." "I'm looking for a candle." "Who's that here with you?" "Who keeps licking me?" "It's Venouš." "My husband and your son." "Go back to sleep." "I'll find the candle myself." "Okay, I'm going." "Good night." "Finally alone, my darling." "My whole life I've wanted to kneel down at your feet like this." "Kneel, František, kneel." "Listen, daughter–in–law," "I've come back." "That voice seemed dubious to me." "Is that really you, Venouš?" "Where are you?" "Aha, here." "How come you're so small?" "Grandpa, Venouš just left." "This is little Mirek from the neighbours." "His mother ran out of vinegar again." "What do you need so much vinegar for?" "You're here for it every day." "Who is it?" "Good evening, I'm little Mirek from the neighbours." "My mother ran out of vinegar again." "I must be going crazy..." "You were saying that this one whose hair I'm clutching is little Mirek from the neighbours." "Our neighbours have two little boys, Grandpa." "And they're both Mirek?" "Yes." "They have two Mireks." "You can't hold onto anything, Grandpa." "I managed to hold one Mirek." "Who is it?" "Good evening." "I'm your neighbour." "Is our Mirek here?" "Both of your Mireks are here." "Both?" "I only have one Mirek." "You see, daughter–in–law, our neighbor is younger and she can only hold onto one." "Now I'm glad that I didn't go to see my customers and that I only pretended to." "My God, husband, you've been here all this time?" "Yes." "And finally I found out why there is a power cut so often." "Come here, Križík." "Where are you?" "Ah, you're kneeling over here." "I'm Mirek." "Sorry, Mirek." "So this must be Križík!" "I'm Mirek too." "Don't try to fool me." "There's only one Mirek." "The other one is here for vinegar." "Križík, don't you dare to make another power cut..." "I promise I won't turn it off, kind sir." "Today is the end of my philandering ways." "I need to make my choice:" "either my new arc lamp or your old woman." "And now excuse me, I'm going to start up the generator." "You have seen, or rather heard, how Cimrman took advantage of blackouts to entertain the audience." "His company performed the sketch "The Pitchest Black" for several years with the same reception as you have witnessed today, until the year 1913 when František Križík attended the performance with his spouse." "Križík himself would have glossed the whole matter over, but his wife insisted that the sketch had to be taken from the repertoire and the blackouts needed to stop." "Thank you." "Cimrman the Playwright bore at the bottom of his restless soul a great dream:" "to live to see his own stage play on the boards of the National Theatre." "We can find an example of how much passionate this desire was in his correspondence with the leading dramatist of the Main Stage" "Ladislav Stroupežnický." "Stroupežnický was an opinionated character and absolutely deaf to the arguments of his adversaries." "During his ten years in the Golden Chapel, he mercilessly tossed over five hundred plays into the garbage." "A considerable part of this heap comprised the work by" "Jára Cimrman," "Adalbert Kolínský and Eliška Kutnohorská, the latter two of which were Cimrman's pseudonyms." "Through the generosity of the Theatrical Department of the National Museum we can today look at the passionate letters these two great spirits of the Czech theater exchanged in the 1890." "This correspondence is also valuable for us because it gives firsthand evidence about Cimrman's lost mythological play" ""Czechs on Mt." "Øíp"." "I will be reading the letters by Jára Cimrman and my colleague Kašpar those by Ladislav Stroupežnický." "Èáslav, January 12, 1890" "Esteemed sir Stroupežnický," "I am writing to you from the town where Jan Žizka was buried and where my theatrical company yesterday performed, in front of a sold–out auditorium, my historical piece "Czechs on Mt." "Øíp"." "I offered you the manuscript of this musical work a year ago and it seems to me that it is buried in your office much like Žižka is here." "I would be very grateful for a word if you have read my drama and your opinion of it." "Prague, February 6, 1890" "Honorable Sir," "Unfortunately I read your attempt at drama." "I genuinely do not know what to reproach you for first – whether the poor plot, dim-witted characters or all the offences against the laws of drama which you managed to commit during the very first act, not speaking of what audience would think about your peculiar conception" "of the dawn of our nation's history:" "the way not just the forefather of the Czechs came to that hallowed mountain, but even the forefather of the Germans and the forefather of the Jews." "When at the end of your play the Czechs learn that even the forefather Gypsy is heading for the mountain from Roudnice," "I was appalled." "Do you realize, among other things, that at those times Roudnice didn't exist?" "I don't know your qualification or in what field you studied but with a clear conscience I can recommend you to abandon all dramatic efforts and devote yourself to any job possible but this." "Èimelice, March 10, 1890" "Honorable Mr. Stroupežnický," "Your letter from the sixth of February confirmed for me that not even you, so great writer, understood my play, "Czechs on Mt." "Øíp"." "We who pursue troublesome nomadic life in the countryside, we do see the life in a different way than all of you sitting in Prague as if in a greenhouse." "That I allowed come to Mt." "Øíp the forefather of the Germans, the forefather of the Jews and approach the forefather Gypsy, in a covered wagon full of stolen hens, has its own educational function." "In the Czech basin, if you haven't noticed, there live others besides Czechs." "The descendants of other Forefathers have to dwell here in our society." "They are welcome in my theater too and I wish you could see how joyfully they accept my interpretation of history." "I am very grateful to you for the observation about Roudnice." "It didn't exist at the time indeed and I admit that it was rubbish." "Prague, November 5, 1890" "Dear Sir," "With regard to your visit to me in Prague, when I wasn't able to give you back your manuscript" ""Czechs on Mt." "Øíp"" "for the simple reason that the heap of rejected manuscripts from similar authors is gigantic and the theatre servant who could search it out for you was suffering from shingles," "I am sending it back and notifying you that I am ending our correspondence for good." "Please do not take it personally." "In the same way" "I am also ending my correspondence, for example, with Mr. Adalbert Kolinský and Mrs. Eliška Kutnohorská." "You three alone as I calculated have robbed me of 560 hours which is a full 70 working days by which you have overtaken Messieurs Zeyer and Vrchlický." "With the words "Don't write me down and if possible, don't write at all."" "Ladislav Stroupežnický" "Dear Laddie," "Why aren't we on first name terms yet, old sport?" "I read in Lumír journal that you attended a school in the town of Písek for two years." "I studied there for a while too, so that makes us schoolmates." "I'd like to blow my own trumpet a little here." "My company is performing now in the Podìbrady region." "They've been suffering a shortage of field hands here for collecting the sugarbeet crop and the entire sugarbeet campaign." "On the advice of the director of the sugar refinery in Dymokury, Mr. Hlušina," "I slightly reworked my play "Czechs on Mt." "Øíp"." "I've rewritten the title to "Czechs, Let Her Rip"." "The closing song in which the title" "Czechs, Let Her Rip!" "Czechs, Let Her Rip!" "is repeated in chorus has stirred the audience so greatly that the sugar refinery is going at full speed like never before." "And thanks to my theater they've even signed up five Germans, two Gypsies, and one Jew for a trial." "Yours, Jára Cimrman." "Dear friends, we've acquainted you with several peculiarities of Cimrman's travelling troupe." "There were, however, even more typical features." "The ensemble, for example, became famous for its unusually rapid scene changes." "In times when the bicycle was in Western Europe a luxury of the richest ten thousand, in our country an apparatus of eccentrics, and in Russia only a subject of passionate debate in anarchist circles," "Cimrman's" "Cimrman's troupe was using bicycles quite regularly." "And in the speed with which the actors were leaving individual gigs, their collective was quite unrivalled." "Another strangeness was Cimrman's work with stage music." "He had no money to pay musicians so interlude music was performed by actors themselves." "Well music..." "They just went and stood behind the curtain and following a well-known tune sang various informations:" "who wrote the play, what is play about, when the end will come..." "A remarkable phenomenon of the troupe was his protagonist, an all-rounder, Ota Plk." "He was the sort of actor who inhabits his roles too deeply." "Each character he played completely swallowed Ota Plk." "While other actors merely stepped out of their characters by unmasking themselves," "Ota Plk remained in his roles long after the curtain fell." "As a matter of fact, this actor did not live his own life at all." "He literally lived the part he played that day until a new role allowed him to move into another character." "Spectators applauded this total acting, but the operation of the theater was often disrupted by it." "For instance, after a performance of Gogol's Inspector in the town of Choceò," "Ota Plk" "Ota Plk went missing for several days and his astonished colleagues finally encountered him on the train when he made to check their train tickets on the way to Èeská Tøebová." "Ota Plk was even successfully cast in female, women's roles." "His performance in Marysha, in title role, was was so stirring that not only the audience, but even all the actors cried." "The performance once had to be interrupted for several minutes because even the cynical prompter," "Standa Køeèek, had burst into tears." "However, the earnestness of Plk's portrayal of poor Marysha had such an effect that after the play nobody wanted to have a coffee with him." "Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when Marysha disappeared from the repertoire." "Ota Plk moved into Truffaldino and thus ceased to be a danger to his surroundings." "Apart from this, even his every-month periodically repeated days of nervousness and hysteria stopped." "Another characteristic feature of Cimrman's troupe was the considerable number of non-talented actors." "To this tradition we remain faithful as well." "Experienced actors often left the poor company and it was essential to search for a quick replacements." "With these untrained beginners in mind," "Cimrman compiled a certain basic actor's decalogue." "I will read it at the end of my presentation." "Firstly:" "Firstly:" "Do not drink to brace up." "Even the drunkard is better played by the sober." "Secondly:" "Remember that on the stage you generally have a different name than in real life." "It is handy to know the names of the other characters, too." "Thirdly:" "Beginner would better act out the emotional affections with his back towards the audience." "Both laughter and weep are expressed best by jerking your shoulders." "Fourthly:" "Do not thank for the objects thrown on the stage." "Fifthly:" "Do not repeat all the words the prompter says." "Some lines are for other actors." "Sixthly:" "Go to the loo before the play starts so that you don't traipse there during the performance." "Seventhly:" "When playing a devil, realise that you have a tail before you sit down." "Eighthly:" "If an applause on the open stage occurs, do not bow." "It is probably meant for somebody else." "Ninthly:" "Remember that some doors are simply painted." "And finally tenthly:" "Do not eat during a feast on the stage." "Everything is made of rubber." "And now," "And now, dear friends, on the wings of Cimrman's play we will transport you in time and space:" "to the stage of a theater where the travelling troupe, sometime around the year 1910, guest in an unnamed Czech town." "I wish you strong, intense, lasting, experience of art." "Our new play you will sit through" "Cimrman wrote just for you don't regret the money spent it does have a happy-end don't regret the money spent it does have a happy-end" "Spread the word in neighbourhood that the ticket price is good and this new piece – by the way - we also play on Saturday and this new piece – by the way - we also play on Saturday and Sunday too" "Friends, on stage!" "Everybody on the stage!" "We do play tonight." "Hooray!" "The performance is saved." "And who would you say I got as a stand–in?" "I don't know about the Mother, but for Vavroch I would guess" "Krámský from Pøíbram." "Bigga." "Macháèek from the Sedláèek troupe?" "Bigga." "Much bigga!" "Who might dare..." "You would never guess anyway." "Karel Infeld Prácheòský himself is coming!" "Impossible!" "Not that!" "He's coming now by the two o'clock train from Plzeò." "Prácheòský!" "So I'm going to perform with the one and only Prácheòský." "And how much did he ask for?" "Well, you know it won't be free." "We'll each give him half of our share." "That should be enough for him." "So we are playing just for a halfwage?" "For half." "But when you take into account that it'll be sold–out, then that's half of some decent money." "That's true." "In any case, we'll be working with Prácheòský himself." "One would be even glad to play with him for nothing at all." "There's the distance too." "He's trekking here all the way from Plzeò and then back again." "That costs something too." "That's true." "And that'll shoot the second half of your fees." "Wait, wait, it means that..." "Yes, Karel, it means that you will fulfill your dream of performing with Prácheòský for nothing." "To tell the truth, I'd rather perform with someone else for money." "Me too but..." "Do you realise how existentially important that performance is for us?" "I can't possibly visit Mayor and tell him:" "Lord Mayor, the premiere for your birthday has been canceled because the actors Mr. and Mrs. Bittner have deserted us." "And I'll never forget that." "It's treason." "It's a dagger in my back." "It's mainly the fingers of Mrs. Bittner on that dagger." "Bittner alone would never have left." "And do we have someone for Mrs. Bittner?" "We don't, but that doesn't matter." "You'll make like she's there even though she isn't." "Hang on, Jeník, the gammer surely talks, she writes the will." "She won't speak, write she will!" "That I want to see." "But Prácheòský has just a couple of hours to learn the text." "Can he make it?" "Prácheòský?" "Have you ever seen him act?" "No." "He's a whizz, my friends." "He's the biggest living..." "He just enters the stage – applause." "No reason?" "He doesn't even have to say anything." "This way, Maestro, please come in." "Good afternoon." "Greetings." "Greetings." "Greetings." "Greetings." "I think I've performed here before." "How many seats are there?" "120, Maestro." "Is it sold–out?" "Full house." ""But I won't surrender this linden!"" "Mnn, mnn, mnn..." "It doesn't resound so well in an empty hall but when people come, it'll get better." "By the way, have you noticed where certain people sit?" "No." "No?" "Like here in the middle in the first row it's the local notables, that's obvious." "But here on the left, and that's interesting all right, here's where the idiots always sit." "You'll see tonight." "I don't know why they congregate in exactly those seats." "So what are we putting on?" "This colleague here was telling me it's some novelty." "Maestro, it's my own play." "Is that so?" "That is a big, big mistake." "Why writing new plays when the folk want the old and well-tried ones?" "What would you say to Marysha?" "Poison in the coffee." "That's drama." "Maestro, there are not enough of us for Marysha." "Or The Lanterne." "That one's quite popular too." "However, the countess can't be too heavy." "I once carried Musilová–Vébrová across the swamp." "Do you know Musilová–Vébrová?" "No?" "She's like the two of them:" "Musilová and Vébrová!" "That's a load." "Maestro, but you agreed to stand in in our new play." "Certainly." "Or we're currently playing this Russian, Ostrovsky, very interesting..." "The names alone:" "Agrafena Kondratyevna, or or" "Lazar Elizarych Podkhalyuzin." "One has a hard time just remembering what he's called." "Joseph..." "Joseph, have you introduced Maestro to the plot?" " Yes." "Or Sysoy" "Psoich" "Rispolozhensky." "Maestro, let me acquaint you with the characters." "Sysoy Psoich!" "Let me acquaint you with the characters." "So first of all Vavroch." "Yes." "Who plays Vavroch?" "You're Vavroch, Maestro." "Well of course." "Vavroch." "Yes." "I think that it's your domain." "That character." " Yes." "This is your daughter, well, step-daughter..." "I see." "Who is the prompter?" "I am prompter, Maestro." "This is Dr. Vypich, a family friend, and Joseph here plays Bárta, that's the servant boy on your farm." "Well the farm really isn't yours yet..." "Where will you be?" "I'll be prompting from this side." "And this is a very important character:" "officer, who competes with Bart for Vlasta's love." "Will I be able to hear you?" "Try to throw me something." "Souffler is base for me, you know?" "Èeské Budìjovice is where everyone would like to live." "What's that?" "Èeské Budìjovice is where everyone would like to live." "I must be crazy, man..." "Try it from the other side." "Èeské Budìjovice is where everyone would like to live." "You said that Èeské Budìjovice is where everyone would like to live?" " Yes." "What kind of idiocy is that?" "Have you ever been to Budìjovice?" "It's just a line I chose at random, Maestro." "I heard it before from over there, but I didn't want to believe that you would have said such a nonsense." "Gentlemen, I have only the worst memories of Budìjovice." "Is there gonna be dinner afterwards?" "There is." "After the play, Maestro, there is going to be celebratory dinner." "The mayor of the town is arranging it." "So remind me to tell you about Budìjovice, but better after the food." "Well, I hear it practically the same from both sides, so you can throw me lines from this side and here, please step aside, and this will be my place, right?" "Nobody get in here, because I'll be here most of the time." "By the way, when are the ladies arriving?" "Which ladies do you mean?" "I mean the female part of the ensemble." "In my play there are just two female roles." "Unfortunately, we don't have the gammer, but the play can go on without her." "And your stepdaughter, as I said, is played by" "Èenìk here." "I play Vlasta, Èenìk." "Yeah." "Well, after all, why not." "If he shaves off the mustache, why not." "No way am I going to shave it off." "Because of one stupid role." "Nota bene," "I'm quitting the theater." "Wait, you're quitting the theater, young man?" "Why is that?" "It's like this, Maestro." "Èenìk's been performing with us for five years already and this whole time we've been racking our brains why he hasn't had success in any of his roles." "And about a week ago it finally hit us:" "Èenìk has no talent." "No, come on!" "Everyone has a bit of acting talent." "Come on boy, let's try something." "I can recognize talent after two or three words." "Try... don't be afraid." "Try for example:" "So where are you going, Kuzma Kuzmiè?" "So where are you going, Kuzma Kuzmiè?" "Hmm." "He doesn't have talent." "Kuzma is over there!" "And he still has to perform with us today?" "I'm afraid so." "Look, the end, you did a hell of a job here." "I already know it by heart." "I fancy it like:" "So our comedy has come to a close, the evil fell and the good arose..." "I'm glad you like the ending, Maestro." "I'm keen on verses, you know?" "Mostly it is a piffle but when you put it into rhymes, it sounds completely different." "Maestro, if you please, let's start the short rehearsal." "Yes, but really short." "Friends, scene four:" "Scene four:" "Vavroch and the previous ones!" "Who begins?" "You, maestro, you." "I know that, but momentarilly I don't know how." "This line:" "I see the doctor's..." "Yes, thanks." "I see the doctor's sledge in front of the gate and I said to myself:" "the doctor must be here!" "And so he is!" "Impressive, Maestro." "Even Bittner can't compare, he's no match for you." "Thanks." "Even Bittner can't compare, he's no match for you." "Maestro, that one with Bittner isn't a line." "I was just complimenting your delivery." "Look." "Listen carefully:" "don't say anything to me that doesn't fall into the role." "Because I've got a memory like a trap and later I won't get it out of my head." "What's there next?" "Doctor, how is the deceased doing?" "That's some kind of blunder, innit?" "How is the deceased doing?" "How can she be doing?" "She's pushing up daisies!" "No?" "Maestro, by this I meant to express that Vavroch wishes..." "Vavroch who now?" "Man, you've got there as many figures as on astronomical clock." "Vavroch is your part, Maestro." "Ay Vavroch!" "Vavroch..." "Maestro, you as Vavroch wish the gammer already died." "Naturally." "And so you speak of her as deceased." "And you've also had something to drink." "You were in a bar with Helga." "Helga is being played by a man too?" "No, she doesn't show up in the play at all." "There's no Helga here." "And who am I in the pub with?" "With Helga." "Listen, colleagues, I've already played various stuff." "But we all know a good deal of time-proven plays." "How about playing tonight, for instance" ""The Blind Young Man"" "or "The Fiddler's Child"?" "And our troubles would be over." "What say you?" "Maestro, we would surely manage "The Blind Young Man" or "The Fiddler's Child", but we promised the local mayor a premiere of a new Czech play." "I dedicated the play to him and he appreciates it very much." "Well..." "What's there next?" "What are you doing here, Bárta?" "You know that I can't stand servants in the parlor." "Take off my shoes as long as you're here." "Would you like to try the taking-off, Meastro?" "I think that's not necessary." "You know what would be the best thing to do?" "If you show me where I'm staying and I'll take the script to bed, go over it a couple of times and it'll work somehow." "Fine, Maestro." "But shouldn't we better... try out the blocking...sketch the arrangement?" "Beg you pardon, what arrangement?" "I'll be here most of the time." "With me pinch-hitting as a headliner practically off-hand, you can't want me to do any risky wandering around the stage." "A different thing is when I feel safe, then I dare to walk even... not there of course," "I'm not suicidal, but oftentimes I walk even here." "But don't count on that tonight." "Certainly, Maestro." "And for your peace of mind:" "we practice this time-proven trick – the role of the curious invalid." "In case the play starts to, God forbid, fall into pieces, or if it goes completely off the rails, I'll come in and put it back on track." "But that's only in the uttermost end of need." "Yeah, yeah..." "I do hope they sit tonight only here on the left..." "Dear mayor, councillors, dearest audience!" "Our theatre troupe has been given a great honour to guest in your town on the very same day when the mayor here celebrates his jubilee." "Let the piece you are about to see tonight be a bouquet given by the Czech actors to a Czech mayor of a Czech town." "And in this bouquet made from common meadow flowers..." "Czech flowers... the most precious blossom shines:" "As a guest of this festive evening the leading member of the famous theatrical company of Vendelín Budil in Plzeò will perform for us." "It is none other than" "Karel Infeld Prácheòský himself!" "Ironing, ironing it's never ending" "Add starch to everything so it all shines like spring" "Ironing, ironing..." "Good morning, Vlasta!" "Good morning, servant Bárta!" "That's how it should be." "You welcome the new day with a song like a sparrow." "I'm not singing from joy today, servant Bárta." "I'm singing to drive away the blues." "I know." "Your stepfather Vavroch, right?" "He was trying to get at you again?" "If it were only that." "What?" "I didn't bolt the door properly and he..." "My God!" "He... you?" "No." "I defended myself." "I don't believe it." "How could you defend yourself against a wild beast like him?" "A strange thing." "He was groping wildly after me and just as I started to say goodbye to my chastity, suddenly it was as if something in him broke, he stopped pressing, he turned away and was gone." "Maybe it was his conscience pricking him." "I'm afraid that it wasn't his conscience." "That it was something else." "What do you mean?" "It's nothing." "It just occurred to me somehow." "You see, Vlasta, if we were married..." "Did you feed the horses?" "I did..." "He wouldn't be able to touch you at all." "Did you feed the cows?" "I did." "Is it because I'm only a servant..." "Did you feed the pigs?" "...and you the daughter from the manor." "Did you?" "I did!" "I fed everything!" "The goats, the hens, the pigeons, the dogs!" "And you know it perfectly well and you're just changing the subject." "But if your father were alive, he wouldn't stand in the way of our marriage." "Did you put the flowers on his grave?" "I did." "Mach had a heart of gold and he liked me." "Bárta, I like you too." "But only as a friend." "We can never marry." "Gammer, say a good word for me." "You've always favoured me." "What is she saying?" "She wants to drink." "Servant Bárta, sit down and don´t ride around here." "Listen," "I have something I want to confide to you." "This morning my stepfather brought mother some goat's milk that he supposedly milked himself." "Something told me not to give the milk to mother." "When he left" "I gave it to the cat." "And what?" "What about Micka?" "I buried her under the apple tree." "So that's why!" "I wanted to feed her too, but she was nowhere to be found." "You know, when I told mother  Micka didn't come." "... I was saying to myself, what's with that cat today that she's not coming?" "So I kept calling:" "Micka?" "And nothing." "The dog sure, he did come all right." "But not the cat." "Where can she be, I kept saying to myself." "She was under the apple tree!" "Bárta, you know why I also can't marry you?" "Because you're so stupid." "But that's not the main reason." "Now please be quiet and listen." "When I told mother about the milk Vavroch brought her, she decided to change her will." "The poor soul has already made up her last will?" "Yes, he forced her do it." "She had to leave everything to him:" "the homestead, grounds, forest, pond and the brickyard." "I'm especially sorry for the brickyard." "What kind of brick can such a heartless man fire." "God, Bárta, you're so stupid that I feel sorry for you sometimes." "Now listen closely:" "I sent for Dr. Vypich, our long–time doctor and family friend." "We're going to make a new will and you Bárta and you're going to be the witness." "Do you understand?" "I do." "So much snow out there!" "Dr. Vypich!" "I wanted to come by buggy, but then I decided to harness my horses to the sleigh." "So" "I have it sprinkled now." "So quickly: pen, paper, ink." "We have to finish it before Vavroch returns." "So how is our sick one doing?" "Well, the pulse has weakened from the last time, but we can still hold a pen, can't we, gammer?" "Here's paper, take the pen and write, lickety-split." "The last will, colon:" "I bequeath.." "No, let's make it perfectly clear." "I do not bequeath my entire property to my second husband Vavroch, but on the contrary" "I bequeath residential and farming structures, the livestock, forest, grounds, pond and the brickyard" "and the brickyard to my only daughter by the name of Vlasta." "Doctor, mum wants to tell you something." "What is it, gammer?" "What's that?" "And to her father?" "But he's no longer alive, gammer." "Mach died long ago!" "What?" "She insists." "So we'll put it there for her, even though it's irrelevant." "Practically, you're the only heir, Vlasta." "And to her father." "I have written this will with a sound mind and I thereby annul my previous will." "In Brtnice on St. Martin's Day, 1896." "Signature – Anastázie Vavroch, previously Mach, née Rathous." "And now we'll sign as witnesses." "Come on, Bárta." "Václav" "Bárta." "Servant." "Give it to me." "Dr. Vypich manu propria." "Let go, mama, you don't need it anymore." "Here we go." "Vavroch will goggle when he finds out." "But he deserves it, the ingrate." "I saw him again in the town with that woman." "Poor mum." "He should be ashamed." "Here the deceased is still alive... and he acts like he was already a widower." "If it were not for the gammer here, would become of him?" "Exactly." "He'd still be a common stinking servant." "Something like you, Bárta." "Good morning!" "Is this the Vavroch, formerly Mach homestead?" "It is, sir." "Sergeant Vogeltanz, of a garrison in Èeské Budìjovice." "Bárta." "I work here as a servant." "Sergeant Vogeltanz, of a garrison in Èeské Budìjovice." "Dr. Vypich." "Pleased to meet you." "Sergeant Vogeltanz.." "No!" "It isn´t possible." "It just can't be true!" "Do you know each other?" "No, not at all." "But this has never happened to me before." "And I've visited so many manors and cottages." "But in the whole time of my service I've never encountered this." "I've read about it, alright, but that I would ever ... it ... personally," "Even in my dreams I wouldn't..." "But what?" "What's happened?" "Love at first sight!" "The moment I saw her, I immediately fell in love." "But never think it's just some short-lived affair." "This is for the rest of my life." "It's a deep, enduring bond." "Ugh, that took me off my guard!" "Sergeant Vogeltanz, of a garrison in..." "Well, you see!" "I'm so smitten by you that I forgot where my garrison is." "You said Èeské Budìjovice." "Thank you." "But let me alert you, sergeant, to the fact that Vlasta and I have loved each other for years already." "Well, you see, and now with me coming here it's all over." "Like a bolt from the blue." "There's nothing you can do about it." "Listen, sergeant, correct me if I'm wrong, you've known Vlasta from hearsay and now you're seeing her for the first time?" "Not at all!" "Besides, I hadn't known there was any woman." "I go around to cottages and I look for men to the military service." "The army needs to fill its ranks." "Well, what a situation." "Are you so much taken too, Vlasta?" "I don't know." "Only a moment before you came" "Bárta here asked me for my hand in marriage." "Don't worry your head over Bárta." "He is out." "He's going into the army." "Really?" "!" "He's being drafted right now." "Wait..." "Drafted..." "I can't be drafted!" "Have you served in the army?" "I haven't." "Well, you see." "You'll march." "Doctor," "I'm going to have a beautiful wife, am I not?" "And at first sight!" "And do you often become this impassioned, sergeant?" "No." "Until today I wasn't interested in women at all." "But I came here and it's as if someone had lit a fire under me." "You'll love life in Budìjovice, Vlasta." "But that's where your plan breaks down." "Vlasta can't go to Budìjovice." "But why for goodness sake?" "Budìjovice, such a nice town!" "Two breweries, butcheries..." "Well, a moment before you came and fell in love," "the deceased here – well, she is still a little alive – changed her will." "Vlasta is now the heiress to the entire estate and she has to take care of it." "So with this Budìjovice..." "I'm not speaking about honeymoon, vacation, no trouble." "But a long–term stay..." "I don't want to interfere in your affairs, but it's out of the question." "I can't believe my ears." "Nobody asks Vlasta, nobody asks me, you've already planned a honeymoon somewhere." "Quiet!" "Have you heard that?" "As if somebody was speaking here..." "What do you mean somebody?" "Bárta here was telling you..." "Bárta?" "Do you mean this servant who was drafted?" "But he's already in the army." "He doesn't have a say in it." "Doctor, don't say exactly what I've got here in front of Vlasta, but explain to him that I'm not fit for army service." "It's true." "Bárta has a handicap." "What handicap?" "Well, he doesn't want me to say it here in front of Vlasta." "His handicap doesn't bother me." "I'm not going to marry Bárta anyway." "Bárta, if it should save you from the army, then out with it." "Fine, if it has to come out, it has to come out." "I have a glass eye." "For goodness' sake!" "A pretty little thing." "Such a small piece of glass and it saves a man from the army." "Here you are." "I know that eye." "I had it ground for him in Jablonec." "Can I have a look too?" "Sure, Vlasta, sure." "Nice." "So sincere." "Look, mother," "Bárta's eye." "She likes it." "We thank you." "I see the doctor's sledge..." "I see the doctor's sledge in front of the gate and I said to myself: the doctor must be here!" "And so he is!" "Even Bittner can't compare, he's no match for you." "So then, how's the deceased doing, doctor?" "Don't cough on me, Bárta." "What are you doing here anyway?" "You know I can't stand servants in the parlor." "Take off my shoes as long as you're here." "Master, but I'm not..." "Don't talk back, you lazy servant!" "Turn around and hold." "Doctor, farm workers are getting more impertinent every day." "They think to themselves:" "I'm a master, you're a master." "But whoever's got more loot, he's an even bigger master." "What do you say to that, Marysha?" "Goodman, you've been drinking again, haven't you?" "You've mistaken Dr. Vypich with the lowly servant Bárta." "Is that right?" "You're servant, aren't you?" "You're doctor, then." "True, I did drink a little... wine, women, song..." "Let that Polish blood course through our veins!" "Eh, pour in more wine, Bola!" "Stepfather, you must be wondering what this man in uniform is doing here." "That's the truth." "What's this man in uniform doing here?" "I'm sergeant Vogeltanz, of a garrison in Èeské Budìjovice." "Fate has played a trick on me." "Recruiting for army, I came here." "Looking for a man," "I find a woman." "Now we just can't decide where we're going to live after the wedding." "What would you say if Vlasta and I settled down in Èeské Budìjovice?" "Listen sergeant, the town you've just said" "Èeské Budìjovice" "Don't say that!" "Èeské Budìjovice is where everyone would like to live." "Except for me of course." "But, but.." "but..." "But have you looked at our Antigone properly?" "Stepfather!" "My name is Vlasta." "Have you looked at Vlasta properly?" "Yes." "And nothing about her bothers you?" "No." "It's love at first sight." "And what she has got under nose is all right too?" "No." "That's what I like best about her." "And are you sure that it won't bother you later?" "Absolutely." "I think I understand you, sergeant." "Such a thing could be a sign of a woman's great passion." "But it might not end under the nose, you know?" "It might continue even lower." "Chin, breasts... what do I know where it stops." "Never mind that, I still can't marry the sergeant." "She's saying it right." "Vlasta well knows that she and I..." "Did you feed the turkeys?" "I did." "We've given each other our hearts since we were children." "Did you feed the geese?" "I did." "Well there, sergeant, you're all for tying the knot but Antigone here doesn't want you." "But that's just little girl's talk." "I can't marry, I can't marry..." "Simply at first sight." ""Helga"" ""Helga"" "Helga!" "Volga!" "Volga, Volga...wide river, flat land." "Dear Potapyè," "I've been looking at the Volga for fifty years and I can never get tired of look." "Someone says:" "Ech, what!" "Kudriash, for example." "He's got eyes, but he's blind to nature." "Then there's Lomonosov, a deep thinker." "He was studying nature, making notes..." "And he was one of us plain working folk too." "Like you Potapyè." "Good afternoon, everybody!" "I'm the curious invalid, Jirka Karásek." "Welcome, Mr. Karásek!" "Friends, who doesn't know Jirka Karásek." "He's such an inquisitive person." "He's interested in everything, aren't you, Jirka?" "I am." "I was listening to your discussion here by the window..." "That's what he does." "He listens by the window and when he doesn't understand something, he comes to ask inside." "So, Jirka, what would you like to know today?" "Today I'd like to know who will come to the manor, when you see out the deceased." "And I'd like to hear it from  perhaps Vavroch here." "And couldn't it be someone else?" "When we see out the deceased..." "Hell!" "Helga will come to live here." "Which means..." "Which means..." "It would be suitable for you..." "Which means it would be suitable for you rural rabble..." "Which means it would be suitable for me if Vlasta left home." "That's what I wanted to know." "Have I told you, doc, about my Helga?" "You haven't, but" "I heard a lot from the others and I saw you with her several times myself." "So you've seen her?" "What do you think?" "A real looker, isn't she?" "I can't wait to have her here." "Of course, let's not deceive ourselves." "Helga and Vlasta, that wouldn't do any good." "It's enough that I'm a stepfather." "If there was a stepmother here too..." "Even though Helga would be a beautiful stepmother." "One of the most beautiful... stepmothers?" "stepmothers I know." "Stepfather, don't you mind talking like that before mum?" "She could still hear a little, who knows?" "It's quite possible." "Well, Helga, she is..." "She dresses beautifully, paints her nails, even toe nails." "Can you imagine?" "And she wears these fishnet stockings up to here." "And if you saw her ways with gentlemen..." "But I don't know if she's into farming." "I forgot to ask her." "If she'd enjoy those things of ours like milking, mucking and so on..." "I'll tell you then, goodman!" "You mixed poison into mother's milk in vain." "She had enough strength to foil your plans!" "Poison you say?" "In her coffee!" "And it did seem a little stale to me." "Why are you so mean to me, Marysha?" "Why can't it be different between us?" "I already promised that when you're my wife," "I'd do everything for you." "But look at yourself." "Look at me." "We're at each other's throats from dawn to dusk." "Must it be this way, Marysha?" "Welcome Karásek!" "We missed you here, curious boy." "You know" "You know what would interest me, Vavroch?" "I wonder what's in your pocket." "Come on, show him your pocket, Vavroch." "You're Vavroch, goodman." "My, how you drink..." "Yeah, Vavroch!" "Thanks for reminding me." "There's a will in my pocket it clearly states that I inherit" "I inherit everything." "Doctor, tell him." "It's like this, Vavroch:" "the deceased wrote a new will." "What?" "But she can't even hold a pen in her hand." "She's already one hand in the grave." "You'd be surprised how firmly she was holding it!" "Listen!" "I do not bequeath my entire property to my second husband Vavroch, but on the contrary" "I bequeath all to my only daughter by the name of Vlasta and to her father." "He's no longer alive, so that's irrelevant." "Gee, that's great." "It gave me an idea." "When I bring Helga here, would you be willing- the same way you've just read it, understand?" "in that serious voice- read it to her again?" "That's the best way to find out if she really loves me." "For I am as good as a beggar, if I understood correctly." "You understood perfectly right." "That's incredible." "I would never have thought up anything like that myself." "I can already hear her saying:" "Well Vypich, that wasn't part of the deal." "Vavroch!" "She's saying Vavroch." "Vypich is the doctor." "Damn it." "When I start drinking..." "I can already hear her saying:" "Vavroch, that wasn't part of the deal." "You claimed you had a forest, a pond, a brickyard, but you've got only your bare ass." "That's the way she talks." "But the pub regulars don't need fancy language." "And doctor, she smokes from long cigarette holder." "That's another thing I like about her." "I'm surprised to find out, that what you've heard of the new will hasn't bothered you very much." "The will is..." "The will is good." "This is the good will." "As nothing but a fuel." "You know, crumple up and put in the stove, then some kindling on it, and after that some bigger logs for not to smother it." "But not so that you'd burn it right away, doc." "First we need to test Helga." "We sort of glossed over our wedding Èeské Budìjovice." "I still have other cottages to visit and I need to know how many of us there will be so I could book the lounge." "No matter how many times I read it," "I see no reason for burning it in the stove." "Machová–Vavrochová, manu propria, witnesses Bárta, Vypich, everything's in order." "Yes, yes." "How about the Hotel Zvon in the square?" "Lieutenant Pihrt's wedding took place on the first floor over the inn and he couldn't praise it enough." "Like that, Vlasta?" "Vlasta, I want to tell you something." "Did you give dayin fodder to horses?" "I mean grain fodder." "And I report in advance that I fed all the livestock and fowl." "When we were kids, we used to play wedding." "And you already said yes then." "Children's weddings don't count, friends." "We're all grown-ups." "The ceremony has to be arranged." "And the lounge has to be booked way beforehand because there are lots of weddings every day in Budìjovice." "And now the church too." "I'm a Roman Catholic." "And you, Vlasta?" "Roman Catholic, too." "We'll do it in one church then." "I see it in January, so there's enough time for preparations." "A different thing would be if the bride were pregnant, then we'd have to hurry up." "Aren't you pregnant, Vlasta?" "I'm not." "God forbid!" " No." "So January will do then." "I'll send the wedding cards well ahead, so you'll know the place and date." "Farewell," "I'll be going now." "Farewell, I'll be going now." "Farewell," "Farewell, you already said that." "But" "I'm truly leaving!" "And who's stopping you?" "Get on your way, man." "I think you shouldn't let the sergeant go, Vavroch." "No?" "You're confusing me, doctor." "Why do you think he should stay here?" "You might want to tell me something important." "Yeah?" " Hm." "That's quite possible!" "But..." "But..." "But if it's an important matter," "I'll have to think it over carefully, just round the corner." "Wait here," "I'll be right back." "He" "He'll think it over and in a second he'll be right back with us." "He'll be here like lightning." "He'll be here double-quick." "Well, it's... the important matters are good to think over." "Come here, Bárta." "Come here." "What do you think of it?" "Me?" "I think I'll go and have a look if he's alright." "No, no, no." "You just stay right here." "Anyone could just say that he's going to look for him." "Conversation" "Conversation is much better with four people than with three." "Isn't that right, sergeant?" "Yes." "The more of us are here, the better our conversation is." "However, when there are too many people, you can't have a good conversation." "They're talking over each other and..." "Four is ideal." "Not too many, not too few." "That's what I meant to tell you, sergeant..." "Hang on, I haven't thought it over enough." "This year's summer was a really good one." "The corn is turning golden..." "Except for the snow." "The horses" "The horses had a hard time with the sledge." "Yes, yes." "It'll be difficult to harvest." "In those snowdrifts." "Maybe it'll be better after all if you go and look whether Vavroch is fine, Bárta." "That's what I meant to tell you, sergeant:" "don't leave yet." "I reckon that the new will might be interesting even for you." "Doctor, read to whom she is really leaving her property." "It's written here" "It's written here in black and white." "...to my only daughter, Vlasta." "Go over to him and read it again." "You go over to him..." "Oh, I go!" "To my only daughter, Vlasta." "Well, you see, sergeant." "There's a good chance you'll take Vlasta away after all." "I don't doubt it." "Only not as a wife, but as a recruit!" "For heaven's sake, stop, stepfather!" "Why shouldn't I admit it, friends?" "I'm an animal." "Vlasta is a stepdaughter, she's a grown woman." "What's so wrong when a stepfather still full of strength, practically without a wife, no pretense, gets one night in the right mood." "True, she usually locked her door, but yesterday she forgot." "Doctor, what a surprise when suddenly you find out that you don't have a stepdaughter but a stepson!" "That's the truth." "Mum, can you hear it?" "All's given away." "You sheltered me from the army in vain," "You clad me into girls' clothes to no end." "Not a kitchen spoon, but a sabre, no skirt anymore, but riding breeches!" "Vlasta, what is it you're saying?" "You're not Miss Mach?" "You're Mr. Mach?" "You're not Vlasta?" "You're" "Vlasta?" "!" "Yes, it's true." "That's why I couldn't return your faithful love, servant Bárta." "That's why I kept asking you about feeding, even though I didn't give a shit about it." "Why not say it now when I'm a guy." "And all the time my mind craved for you so much." "In fact, not my mind." "Brr, that's so awful," "I'll have to get used to be a man." "It's all over..." "So our comedy has come to a close  he said it's over  why is he saying that?" "..." "It's all over." "I'll leave for another manor, far far away, to forget." "Bárta, servant, you are laughing." "No, you're crying!" "One eye didn't stay dry." "But" "But this is eye-opening even for me." "You see what happens when you're called to a patient and you don't do a thorough examination." "I've been treating Vlasta for infected ovaries since childhood." "But the gammer here always:" "just listen to her breathing, doctor..." "Isn't that something," "Vogeltanz!" "Where are you?" " Here." "You are finished, aren't you?" "Why?" "It doesn't bother me." "Once you fall in love at first sight, you must take your beloved for what she is." "We'll live in Budìjovice, now it's certain." "Wait, you have to carry out your duty and lead Vlasta away to the army." "Certainly." "But to Budìjovice." "We'll be there together." "I'll make sure that they don't send her somewhere in Slovakia." "Both in one regiment." "And while you were chatting here, an idea for a wedding gift came to me:" "A chandelier." "Great beautiful chandelier." "We're not going to use in grandiose room some small lantern." "Yes." "The lantern..." "I'll light the way for you princess." "Wait Vavroch." "But I won't surrender this linden!" "It's been in our family from time immemorial." "It's grown for centuries." "And how could I let it lose its leaves where birds rest and sing." "I've come to see if the fire in your stove hasn't gone out." "Course it has." "What're you gonna do about it, Vavroch?" "I would light it up." "And what can you light it up with?" "With newspapers?" "Newspapers could work." "But how about any official document?" "Do you think it could burn?" "Thanks God you remind me!" "Look, the fire is out." "Doctor, where is the will?" "Hurray!" "Wait, wait, Vavroch." "It's enough to change one little word in it and Vlasta inherits everything as a man." "The gammer only has to correct it by her own hand." "Exactly." "Exactly." "By this hand you mean?" "I 'spose that shuts you up, doctor!" "So we'll see about that." "Gammer, cross out "daughter"" "and in its place write" ""son."" "Well," "I think it takes a while." "Oh, you probably can't see it very well." "We'll move" "We'll move closer to the light." "And here she comes crossing it out and is writing by herself." "Right S, now O," "She still has beautiful handwriting." "Now N, she's writing..." "Come off it, no one will accept that." "You're leading her hand!" "You are wrong." "It's the gammer herself!" "See?" "Now she's dropped the holder by herself." "We'll pick it up for you again, don't tire yourself out." "And we go on writing." "No one will accept that." "It's clearly a sham." "There are witnesses, aren't they, Bárta?" "Don't drag me into it." "I'm going to another manor, somewhere far away..." "I'll gladly attest to it for you." "With love at first sight the riches aren't that important, but a well-off bride is always better than a poor one." "What a disappointment." "I loved her so much." "That's not your line." "That's for Bárta." "What a disappointment." "I loved her so much." "I fed the animals like an idiot when she cared about nothing else." "See?" "All the time he's like I've loved you since childhood..." "Then such a trifle happens to Vlasta and his love is all over." "Here we are." "To my son." "Yes, my with -y." "And you claim she's not spry." "How well she remembers the spelling." "Got it all:" "to my only son by the name of Vlasta." "Well, stylistically it's a little gritty but we can't make a writer out of mother overnight." "Come on!" "No one will accept that." "The arm, take a look at it, the arm is completely dead." "A dead arm, you say?" "A dead arm?" "You say dead arrrm." "I say normally dead arm." "I'll just take Vlasta's measurements." "That's what they want us to do in the accountrements store." "79 inches." "What a pretty soldier!" "And waist?" "Excuse me." "Hm." "Only 28 inches." "We'll need to make some new holes into the belt then, Vlasta." "Like a wasp, like a wasp." "Let's make the jacket below the botty." "Here under the arms we'll leave it loose so that it's not too tight." "But caution:" "Trousers shouldn't be baggy." "A tight–fitting trouser-leg..." "Which trouser-leg do you prefer?" "I don't know." "I've never worn trousers." "Oh." "So let's shove him into the left one." "The left one." "So our comedy has come to a close, the evil fell and the good arose..." "I see a tear glisten in your eye..." "Doesn't Helga by chance have..." "What?" "...any friends?" " Friends?" "A lawyer perhaps?" "!" "She does!" "Friends, Helga has got lots of friends." "I know about them." "And one of them is also a lawyer." "And he'll sue you for faking the will." "Doctor, mother wants to tell you something." "What's that, gammer?" "What?" "!" "No!" "Really?" "That's unbelievable!" "That time in June in the hay?" "Are you sure?" "She is." "Friends, what I just found out completely changes the situation and family relationships." "What has she told you, doctor?" "Don't keep us in suspense!" "As a young, inexperienced doctor" "I rode to this manor more often Screw that!" "..." "As a young, inexperienced doctor" "I rode to this manor more often than my medical duty commanded me." "The gammer, we called her Stázièka, used to be a real beauty." "It was June, hay smelt nice on the meadows," "Mach stank in the pub and we two..." "In brief," "Vlasta," "I'm your father!" "Doctor..." "Daddy!" "My Dear son!" "But I should've known you can't be his child." "Friends," "Mach had such a low sperm count" "that seeing it under the microscope made me laugh." "So that's why that's why mum insisted on that irrelevant sentence." "Right you are:" ""my only daughter and her father."" "So I'm inheriting half the estate." "Isn't that something..." "Wait, wait, I could inherit like you do." "Watch me..." "What?" "!" "No!" "That time on the straw i pigsty?" "It's certain?" "Dead certain," "I'm inheriting half the estate." "I wanted to leave already, but now I'll better stay to find out who out of these fathers is going to walk Vlasta to the altar." "Yes, to the altar." "So our comedy has come to a close, the evil fell and the good arose." "I see it does your heart so rend..." "We, curious invalids, we can stand a lot, but this is too much to handle," "Such a beautiful play and he completely destroys it!" "You ham of all hams." "Vavroch!" "Here." "Vavroch, this is your word against mine." "You claim you're the father," "I claim I'm the father." "What is decisive are hereditary characteristics." "Servant Bárta, you're unbiased observer." "Set your eye on us." "Do you notice any shared feature in the one and the other?" "Bárta, dear servant, your eyesight will now decide if I'm the doctor's or Vavroch's!" "It's nerve-racking." "Brrr." "I dunno." "I have only one eye." "Besides I'm leaving for another manor, somewhere far away." "Doctor, the old woman, actually my mother-in-law, has something besides death on the tip of her tongue." "What is it now, gammer?" "What?" "You permanently feared that it would come out?" "That what would come out?" "Speech impediment?" "What in the name of god are you gibbering about?" "Poor soul, she's losing her mind." "Doctor, daddy, mother's right." "It dawned on me just now." "We both blur our R's like two peas in a pod!" "Rrreally?" "Wait, wait." "Let's have a crrrack at it." "Say, forrr example:" "Rrrumburrrk." "Rrrumburrrk." "Hurrrray!" "It's my son!" "We wiped the floorrr with you, Vavrrroch." "Say Rrrumburrrk, you loserrr." "I'll kill my teacher Jandera!" "Until the fourth grade my rhotacism was satisfactory." "But... he was all like:" "Say tdam, gtdass, tdumpet, undetdpants, and hetditage goes down the dtdain." "So our comedy has come... at least I hope" "...to a close, the evil fell and the good arose." "I see it does your heart so rend, that our play has such a happy end." "In life that's not always the way – good stumbles and sin carries the day." "But if we work hard, the world will all mend, when I see you from here, I hope for good end." "It's no use to say a prayer or two." "Everything depends on you and on us." "But mainly on you!"