"* But where are those good ol d-fashioned values *" "* On which we used to rely?" "*" "* Lucky there's a family guy *" "* Lucky there's a man who positively can do *" "* All the things that make us *" "* Laugh and cry *" "* He's... a..." "Fam... ily..." "Guy!" "*" "Ah, it smells so good out here." "You see, Peter?" "This is a much better way to spend a Sunday than what you dragged us to last week." "Hey, if I'm starring in a production of Starlight Express, " I want my whole family there." "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "(angrily):" "Starlight Exprs!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "Starlight Express!" "(muttering):" "Starlight Express." "(gasps) Stewie, look." "A butterfly." "Let's get it!" "(laughing)" "Uh, Chris, I don't think we should be leaving the trail." "(with English accent):" "I shall put you in a glass box to display on Saint Trimmings Day." "British guys always capture my butterflies." "Yes, and to add insult to injury," "I shall present to you my fanny:" "Sir Chadwell Heath." "(laughing)" "Aw, darn it." "Hey, wait a second." "Where are we?" "Oh, no." "Hey, Chris, did you know your bacne spells "Citibank" in Braille?" "Great." "You had to chase the butterfly." "Yes, I had to chase the butterfly." "I came out here to observe nature." "What did you come out here for?" "I came to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." "Wow, Stewie." "That was beautiful." "Did you write that?" "No." "But can you tell me who did?" "Log on now." "All right, let's tally up those responses." "Wow." "You know who that is?" "You know who Thornton Mellon" "First of all, it was Henry David Thoreau." "But do you know who Thornton Mellon is?" "That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School." "You feel good about yourselves?" "Huh?" "This is why the other countries are beating us, you know!" "So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat." "(sobbing)" "Stewie, are we gonna die?" "Hey, hey." "Probably." "I-I don't want to die!" "You know, Chris, if by some miracle, we do manage to get out of here alive," "I'm gonna finally run for public office again." "I think people have forgotten my last embarrassment." "Harry Truman." "Stupid jerk." "Freakin' FDR's ass bitch." "If we get back home alive," "I'm gonna finally open up to Ellen from my math class and tell her homuch I like her." "I'd like those things for us, Chris." "What are you doing?" "I'm digging a hole." "Why?" "'Cause I like to sleep on my side." "Our top story:" "The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day." "That's right, Diane." "Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin." "Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts." "We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope." "All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses." "Repeat, this is now a recovery effort." "We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies." "Oh, God, this is horrible!" "I can't watch anymore!" "Mom, Daddy, thank you so much for coming over." "Oh, of course, dear." "I don't know what to do." "They scoured the area, and there's no sign of them." "I feel like I can't just sit here doing nothing, but I don't know what I can do." "I'll tell you who could help." "Medium." "Daddy, that's not a real person." "That's a character on a TV show." "Don't you disparage Medium." "Medium works very hard." "You know, Mom, I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about psychics who help find people who are lost." "Really?" "I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about this fat woman who sat on her dog and it went up inside her guts." "It's been three days, and I just don't know where else to turn." "Please, can you help me?" "Don't worry, Lois." "The spirit world wants very much to assist you." "Your missing sons will be found." "Oh, oh!" "Thank you, thank you so much!" "I can't tell you how reassuring that is." "Ah." "My babies are okay." "Will you answer one question for me?" "Yes." "Thank you so much." "Well, Stewie, I think we're finished." "It sure looks that way." "It's been a pleasure serving with you, Chris." "And with you, Stewie." "Jeffrey!" "Jeffrey, come back." "It's gonna get dark soon!" "All this drama over a turkey burger?" "!" "(gasps)" "Oh, thank God!" "Oh, you're not Jeffrey." "You're that missing baby and boy." "(gasps) Jeffrey!" "I found that missing baby and boy!" "JEFFREY:" "I don't care." "(gasps)" "CHRIS/STEWIE:" "Mommy!" "Chris!" "Stewie!" "My babies!" "Oh, I'm so happy you're safe!" "Oh, I knew they'd find you." "I knew you were okay." "It's just like the psychic said." "Thank you all for your help, everybody." "Oh, for definite." "It's just like a childhood game of Hide and Find!" "You said it, friend!" "What do you say for celebration we go dunk our whistles in the trough?" "Ah!" "We should totally phone Gaspard!" "Ah!" "He would love to hear this tale!" "Oh, but I only have 15 pfenigs on my phone card." "Happy Gerbitz Day." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Oh, it is so good to have my boys back home safe and sound." "Thank God for that psychic." "What are you talking about?" "The psychic didn't do anything." "Well, she said we were gonna find them and we did." "I always wondered about psychics, but I gotta tell ya, I'm a believer now." "Yeah, I'm gonna go back and see what else she has to say." "Hey, check it out." "Chris and Stewie, you're on the front page of the paper." "You know, Chris, that girl from school sees that picture and you're in." "Look, Stewie, I'm not really gonna ask her out." "I think that just might have been cocky forest talk." "No, but you got to take advantage of this." "Seize your moment." "Like the Duck Founding Father." "Gentlemen, these are all important fundamental rights, but I move we strike the right to bob for small fish with your butt in the air." "All in favor?" "ALL:" "Aye." "Opposed?" "(duck quacks)" "The motion carries." "I don't know about this, Stewie." "Nonsense." "You're a hero now." "Your picture's in the paper." "She'll be fawning all over you." "Now, which one is she?" "There." "Hi, Chris!" "Wait a minute." "That's the girl?" "Yeah." "Isn't she special?" "That's the way the state of Rhode Island would put it." "Uh, there's something..." "up with her, isn't there?" "Yeah." "She's got Down's Syndrome." "Oh, okay, well, there we go." "She's so sweet." "And doesn't she have the most beautiful eyes?" "Well, the spacing seems a tad off, but, yeah, individually, they're not awful." "All right, I'm on board." "Go talk to her." "Um, hi, Ellen." "Hi, Chris." "Um, this is my little brother Stewie." "(chuckles) Your head makes me laugh." "I'm guessing this one owned a bunny, but not anymore." "(thuds)" "Um, listen there's something I've wanted to tell you for a really long time." "Oh, yeah?" "What?" "Well, um, I really like you." "(laughs)" "And I was wondering if maybe, um... you want to go out on a date with me." "Okay." "Pick me up Saturday at 8:00." "Great." "See you then." "There you go." "Being confident." "Like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation." "If that was me..." "I'm, I'm just saying, if that was me..." "They are lucky that was not me." "Because, if the circumstances were such, as you have described them, but with me in them, that's a very different and scary outcome for those involved." "If." "Oh, my God, Brian." "Oh... my..." "God." "Whoa." "What is it?" "What happened?" "I just went to see my psychic Estelle, and she told me that Stewie is gonna grow up to be very successful." "Ah!" "Isn't that great news?" "You went to see that psychic again?" "That's the third time this week." "She's a lifesaver, Brian." "She gives me the confidence to live my life knowing I'm making the right choices." "Wow, and she does all this for free?" "No, she charges me." "She charges you?" "!" "Well, that's weird." "Why would you pay her to hear things you want to hear?" "I'm not crazy about your tone, Brian." "Well, I just think you're being taken for a ride, Lois." "Like a snail on the back of a turtle." "Slow down!" "I want to get there, but I want to get there alive!" "Mom, why do I have to take a bath with Stewie?" "Because, Meg, Estelle told me that someone in the family was in danger of drowning, and that I should take some steps to prevent it." "So, from now on, everybody has a bath buddy." "(bubbling in front)" "(screaming)" "What am I gonna do?" "I'm really nervous about my date with Ellen tonight." "I mean, I want to impress her, but what if I mess things up?" "Oh, come on, Chris, it's just a matter of getting off on the right foot." "First things first." "Let's get you looking sharp." "(show tune intro plays)" "* You've got to look your best tonight *" "* You tubby little parasite *" "* 'Cause there's a lovely lady and she's waiting for you *" "* And though her pretty face may seem *" "* A special person's wettest dream *" "* Before you get to see it there are things you must do *" "* We'll try a tie and boutonniere of yellow *" "* Or a rose that shows that you're a classy fellow *" "* With the posh panache of Jefferson at Monticello *" "* Busting out a mile with style *" "* I know you just can't wait to stare *" "* At all that luscious orange hair *" "* But, boy, before you touch a single curl *" "* You must impress that ultra booming', all consuming' *" "* Poorly grooming' Down's Syndrome girl *" "* On any normal day you reek *" "* As if you're on a farting streak *" "* Your finger's up your nose and you are dripping with drool *" "* But if you want a lady's love *" "* You're better off by smelling of *" "* A gentleman's cologne instead of sneakers and stool *" "* A squirt, a spurt *" "* Of something' just for Ellen *" "* And you'll see that she will find you so compelling' *" "* And she does because *" "* The only smell that she'll be smellin' *" "* Won't be coming from your bum *" "(farts)" "* You wanna take that little whore *" "* And spin her on the dancing floor *" "* But boy, before you do a single twirl *" "* You must impress that effervescing *" "* Self-possessing, no BS-ing *" "* Down's Syndrome girl *" "* Her eyes are emerald portals *" "* To a secret land of love *" "* And her smile is like the sweetest summer flower *" "* Her kiss is so inviting *" "* And her hugs are so delighting *" "* And what makes them really nice *" "* Is that they've got a little spice *" "* Because they're tighter than a vice *" "* And they go on for an hour *" "* My boy, between the two of us *" "* We'll get you on that shorty bus *" "* And then you're gonna take it for a whirl *" "* Now go impress that super-thrilling *" "* Wish-fulfilling, Yoohoo-spilling *" "* Ultra-swinging, boner-bringing *" "* Gaily singing, dingalinging *" "* Stupefying, fortifying *" "* As of Monday, shoelace tying *" "* Stimulating, titillating *" "* Kitty cat impersonating *" "* Mega-rocking, pillow-talking *" "* Just a little crooked walking *" "* Coyly pouting, booby-sprouting *" "* For some reason always shouting *" "* Fascinating, captivating *" "* Happiness and joy creating *" "(glass shattering)" "* Down's Syndrome girl!" "*" "Okay, Brian, I'm here." "Now, what is it you want?" "All right, look, Lois, this psychic nonsense has gone too far, so I'm going to prove to you that there is no such thing as someone who is psychic, and that with the most minimal training" "and the right set of buzzwords, anyone can appear to be psychic." "Even a complete boob like Peter." "Watch this." "Excuse me, ma'am." "I'm psychic, and I'm getting a strong feeling from you." "Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works?" "W-Wow." "I used to have a watch that broke." "You see, just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you." "I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative." "My husband died of cancer last year." "Oh, my God." "Awesome." "Okay, uh, I'm sensing some other bad stuff." "My daughter was just in an accident." "Sweet!" "High five!" "(gasps) You're awful." "Hey, you don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park." "(sighs) Okay." "Okay, you made your point." "I get it." "Maybe I went a little overboard with the things Estelle told me." "All right, look, can we just go home now?" "Come on, Peter, let's go." "Brian, I felt something." "Just now, talking to that bitch cancer widow." "I think I may have a gift." "Peter, we were just doing a demonstration." "No, Brian." "This is real." "I believe I am psychic." "My first prediction:" "I am either going to fly or ruin that family's picnic." "Hey!" "You've ruined our picnic!" "Psychic." "Peter, what are you doing?" "Quiet, Brian." "I'm performing a psychic reading." "Peter, for the last time, you're not psychic." "I most certainly am." "All right, Quagmire, clear your mi..." "Ooh, soft hands." "Clear your mind, remove all traces of unease and doubt, and I will tell you your future." "What is it, Peter?" "You will die in a plane crash and be reincarnated as a prophylactic." "All right!" "No, no, not all right!" "Well, I'm glad we're finally going out, Ellen." "I've really liked you for a long time." "Hey, what the hell you think you're doing?" "Sitting down." "Get up and pull my chair out for me." "Oh, goodness, I'm sorry." "(chuckling):" "I'm so sorry." "That's better." "You going to be this rude all evening?" "You haven't asked me anything about myself." "Oh." "Um, sorry." "Um, uh, so... so, what do your parents do?" "That's better." "My dad's an accountant, and my mom is the former governor of Alaska." "Oh, that's cool." "It's real cool." "Now, get up, come over here, and give me a shoulder massage." "Okay." "Boy, you're tougher than a doggy dominatrix." "Do it, do it." "Come on, do it." "Do it, do it." "Aah, yes!" "Yes!" "Aah, you bitch!" "Aah!" "Oh, my God, this is awful." "There's got to be 200 people here." "(applause)" "Thank you." "Thank you so much for coming." "Thank... (gasps) Hold on." "I'm sensing something psychic." "Ma'am, did you have a female relative who's passed on to the other side named, um, um..." "Polly?" "Polly!" "I said it first." "That was amazing." "I've never seen a bad show at the Marriott." "Oh, myod, they're all falling for this insanity." "I'm sensing a black guy over here." "Is there a black guy?" "Me!" "I'm a black guy." "(crowd oohing and aahing)" "Yes, good, good." "I'm sensing your infant daughter has earrings." "He's right." "She does." "(applause)" "Peter, you got to stop this right now." "Shut up, Lois." "Don't mess up my psychic-ness." "I'm sensing a doctor in the audience." "Where is the doctor?" "I'm a doctor." "Okay." "Your great grandmother is contacting me right now, and she wants to know if this rash looks like it's going to go away." "Well I-I-I guess I'd tell her to use Bactine." "No!" "She says Bactine hurts." "She wants something more soothing" "Peter, we need your help." "We just got word of a kidnap victim buried alive with a bomb strapped to his chest." "We need your psychic powers to lead us to him before the bomb goes off." "Well, well." "Finally, a true test of my abilities." "You came to the right place, Joe." "I'll psych that guy out for you." "Peter, you can't do this." "All right, I mean, it-it's one thing to take money from a bunch of suckers, but this is serious." "You're a fraud." "I am not." "I'll tell you who's a fraud:" "Mr. Spock." "Mr. Sulu, set a course for..." "One moment, Captain." "They're about to announce the winning numbers for the Intergalactic Lottery." "FEMALE VOICE:" "Today's winning numbers are 18, 24, 41 and 72." "Ah, yes!" "You're damn right!" "Hell, yeah!" "You can suck it." "You can suck it." "You can suck it." "You can all suck it!" "Live long and suck it!" "Well, Ellen, I had a really interesting time with you tonight." "I guess I'll talk to you soon." "You're not leaving yet." "I need somebody to make me an ice cream sundae, so get in the house." "Okay, okay." "Uh, unless you're going to pull a sundae out of your belly button," "I'd get your ass in the (bleep) kitchen." "Oh, boy." "My dogs are mooing today." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "What's the matter?" "Did I say put chocolate sauce on there?" "Did you hear me say put chocolate sauce on there?" "Well, I..." "I just thought that..." "You thought what?" "You know, if you want access to this temple, you better pay the proper tribute." "All right, that is it!" "I don't care how hot you are." "I don't much like being treated this way." "You know, I used to hear that people with Down's syndrome were different than the rest of us, but you're not." "You're not different at all." "You're just a bunch of (bleep) like everyone else!" "I got bad news for you, buddy." "You just blew it." "Get out of my house now!" "How'd it go?" "Looks like I totally screwed that up." "No, you didn't." "You made a vow that you were going to ask Ellen out, and you did." "That took courage, my friend." "Especially for a poor, timid sap like you." "I'm proud of you." "Thanks, Stewie." "I'm just sorry I never got to make out with her." "Oh, she would have crushed your scrote into a diamond with her robot-strength hand." "Come on, let's get out of here." "All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area." "We don't have much time before the bomb..." "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim." "Does he have a wife?" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "It's still very fuzzy." "Does he have a daughter?" "Yeah, I see." "Does he have maybe, like, a thinner, hotter daughter?" "Well, yes, but she's only 12." "Okay." "Like-like a..." "like a young 12 or, like, a "she eats a lot of milk products so she got her boobs early" 12?" "Which is a real thing, by the way." "Peter, we're running out of time!" "All right, all right, we'll try something else." "I will now use my psychic powers to seek help from beyond." "I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress." "Hi, everybody." "It's me, Lou Costello." "All right, what's the name of the guy we're looking for?" "Well, he's an Asian fella" " Melvin Hu." "That's what I want to find out." "What?" "The name of the guy." "Melvin Hu." "Are you a cop?" "Yeah." "You handling this case?" "Yeah." "Then, what's the name of the guy?" "Hu." "The guy we're looking for." "Hu." "The guy who's buried." "Hu." "The guy with the bomb." "Hu." "What street's he live on?" "First." "(explosion booming)" "Yeah, I'm not psychic."