"Could your political adviser have a word?" "Yes, of course." "Dorothy!" "I've hardly seen you since I moved in." "I used to be in the office next door to this room." "You had me moved to the front of the building, up three floors, along the corridor, round the corner and four doors along to the right... next to the photocopier." " I thought you'd gone on holiday." " I might as well be!" "I came back from my weekend and found my office turned into a waiting room for ministers and officials." "Humphrey said it was on your instructions." "Was it?" "No..." "Well, yes." "No." "Yes." "Humphrey had this plan for rationalisation, to make better use of the space." "The Civil Service have been trying to get me out of that office for three years!" "Why?" "Because it's in the key strategic position." "It's the best-placed room in the house." "I don't see what difference it makes." "This file is the Cabinet Room where we are now." "Through the doors is your private office." "This ruler is the corridor from the front door here and this corridor runs from the Cabinet Room and connects up to the locked green baize door, on the other side of which is the Cabinet Office." "This coffee cup is the staircase up to your study and this saucer is the gents' loo." "And this is... was my office, and my desk faced out into the lobby and I always kept my door open." "What could I see?" "Well, you could see everyone who comes in through the front door or from the Cabinet Office or the Cabinet Room or the private office..." "Or up the staircase." "Hmm." "And I was opposite the gents' loo." "I have to be opposite the loo!" "Have you seen anyone about this?" "The gents' loo." "Almost everyone in the Cabinet is a man." "I could hear everything they said to each other when they popped out of Cabinet for a pee." "I was able to keep the last Prime Minister fully informed about all their little foibles." " Was it any of his business?" " When they were plotting against him, yes." "Bernard, come in here, please." "Dorothy, you may have your room back." "Bernard, I want you to put Dorothy back into her old office." "Oh, you mean carry her there?" "No, I mean return Dorothy to the waiting room outside here." "Before she goes back to HER office, you mean?" "No, I mean that the waiting room that was once Dorothy's office will again be Dorothy's office." "But what about the waiting room?" "Pay attention." "Watch my lips move." "The waiting room will become Dorothy's office." " Yes, but what about waiting?" " No, Bernard, at once." "Yes, Prime Minister, I realise you mean at once, no waiting, but I mean where will people wait if there's no waiting room?" "The place is full of waiting rooms." "There are state rooms upstairs." "There's a lobby there." "Where?" "Between the ashtray, the coffee cup and the saucer." "Between the ashtray, the coffee cup and the saucer?" "The saucer is the gents' loo." "Wake up, Bernard!" "Hello, Bill." "The PM wants Mrs Wainwright moved back to her old office..." "What?" "Withdraw those instructions at once!" " But the PM just told me to..." " Withdraw those instructions!" "Bill, hold it." "I'll get back." " Explain yourself." " The PM said to move Mrs Wainwright back." " There's nothing to explain." " There is everything to explain!" "We've striven for years to get that woman out." "You've snatched defeat from the jaws of victory!" "We can't stop the Prime Minister taking advice." "We are here to see that the Prime Minister is not confused." "Politicians are simple people, Bernard." "They like simple choices, clear guidance." "They don't like doubt - and that impossible woman makes him doubt everything we tell him!" "But he likes her." "Samson liked Delilah." "Good morning, dear lady." "This is indeed a pleasure." "Hello, Humphrey." "Why aren't you waiting in the waiting room?" "Bernard, there is one other thing." " An alien was admitted yesterday." " An alien?" "The Prime Minister's constituency agent was allowed into Number 10 with no security pass." "The police outside recognised him." "That is irrelevant." "Everyone must have their Number 10 pass." "See to it!" "Excuse me for butting in, Bernard, but the PRIME MINISTER wants me to make arrangements with you to move my room back." "I've just got to deal with Sir Humphrey's request about security passes." " That can wait." " No, it can't!" "The Prime Minister wants me to move back down here right away." "Ah, yes, well, erm..." "Prime Minister..." "Excuse me." "I understand you're having second thoughts about our office reorganisation plan." "Just moving Mrs Wainwright into her old office." "No, Prime Minister, the whole reorganisation depends upon her moving out." " It's only a waiting room." " A vital square on the board." "Well, people can wait in the lobby or in the staterooms." "Some people." "But some people must wait where other people cannot see the people waiting." "And people who arrive before other people must wait where they cannot see other people who arrive after them being admitted before them." "And people from outside must wait where they cannot see the people from inside coming to tell you what the people from outside want to see you about." "And people who arrive when you are with people they should not know you have seen must wait somewhere until the people who shouldn't have seen you have seen you." "Sounds like an entire Whitehall farce going on out there!" "Prime Minister, Number 10 is a railway junction." "It cannot work without its proper components of sheds and sidings and turntables." "Mrs Wainwright's office is a vital shed." " I find her advice valuable." " And of course it is!" "And you shall have it on paper." "And if you wish for verbal advice, you can always send for her." "The whole Cabinet can give you political advice." "They advise me to give more money to their departments." "I need someone on my side." "But I'm on your side." "The whole Civil Service is on your side." "680,000 of us." "Surely that's enough to be going on with." " All giving the same advice." " Which proves that it must be correct." "Can we return to our original reorganisation plan?" "Oh, all right, I suppose so, yes." "It's a pleasure to have a decisive Prime Minister who knows his own mind." "Bernard, find Mrs Wainwright for me, please." " She's here arranging to move rooms." " Ask her to come back in." "Prime Minister..." "Ah..." "Dorothy!" "I..." "What did you want to talk about?" " It's about your office." "I changed my mind." " Has someone else changed it for you?" "No, we really need that waiting room there." "Why?" "Because if people come to see people who people didn't know people were coming..." "That is, if people saw people coming before people saw them seeing people, people would see people and the whole ship would go off the rails." "You see." "Did you work all that out for yourself?" "I can't go into everything personally." "I must rely on advice from my officials." "Yes, but Humphrey wants to cut off all your sources of information and advice, except the Civil Service, and make himself the only channel for that." " If you're happy to let him have his own way..." " No, no, no, you're right." "You must have your office back." "I need you to be available." "The only trouble is I've just told Humphrey I've changed my mind." " Tell him you've changed it back." " I can't sack Humphrey." " No, but you could clip his wings a bit." " How?" "Stop him coming in and going out as if he owned the place." " He works here." " He works in the Cabinet Office!" "This is your home." "Oh." "And on top of all his other jobs, he's also Head of the Home Civil Service, isn't he?" "He's responsible for personnel, promotions and appointments and so on." "Pay and rations are the responsibility of the Permanent Head of the Treasury." "So the Head of the Civil Service's job is split between Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank." "Suppose you were to take away his half of the job and give it all to Sir Frank?" "Dorothy... that's brilliant." "Bernard, is Sir Humphrey still with you?" "Ask him to come back in, would you?" "Brilliant." "Prime Minister?" "Humphrey, erm..." "I'm thinking of giving Mrs Wainwright her old office back after all." " Prime Minister..." " Yes?" "Could we speak privately about this?" "You can speak freely in front of me." "Well, I..." "I need time to see whether it's practicable." "All right." "But it had better be." "It... might be." "Meantime, I have another important matter to discuss." "Would you excuse us?" "Dear lady..." " Humphrey, sit down." " Thank you, Prime Minister." "I've been thinking." "I feel I ought to try and lighten your load." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "No, there's no need." "There is, Humphrey." "Apart from everything else, you're Head of the Civil Service." "The Treasury handle pay and rations." "You handle promotions and appointments." "It's a bit much." "No, no, no." "No, no, no." "Hardly takes any time." "A doddle." "The promotion and appointment of 680,000 people a doddle?" "Well, it's delegated." "If it's delegated already, there'll be no problem about moving it all to the Treasury?" "No, that's impossible!" "The Treasury already have far too much power... work." "Yes, but you see, with you responsible for promotions and appointments and them for pay and rations, the lines of authority are unclear, it's a bit unsatisfactory." "Well, I could take over pay and rations too." "On top of everything else?" "Humphrey, I couldn't allow you to make that sort of sacrifice." "It's no trouble at all." "You're too noble, Humphrey, but I can see through your arguments." "Can you?" "You want to sacrifice yourself in order to spare me worry, don't you?" "Oh, yes." "No, no, no." "It's hardly any..." "It's no sacrifice at all." "Humphrey, the more I think of it, the more I think you've got a bit too much on your plate." "I shouldn't keep you here any longer." "You must have so much work to do in your own office." " You mean...?" " I mean you may now leave." "If you're wanted again at Number 10, you will be sent for." " You mean when?" " I mean when." "And if." "Bernard..." "Would you ask Sir Frank Gordon from the Treasury to see me as soon as possible?" "The Permanent Secretary of the Treasury, Prime Minister." "I don't want Humphrey putting his head round the door." " I'll do my best." " That may not be good enough." "Dorothy tells me that technically Humphrey's supposed to phone you before he comes through to Number 10." "Perhaps in theory, but it's just a formality." "Good." "Humphrey likes formality." "Yes, Prime Minister, but it's a custom more honoured in the breach than in the observance." "Must you and Humphrey always express yourself in this roundabout and pompous way?" ""More honoured in the breach than in the observance!"" "Must you destroy the most beautiful language in the world, the language of Shakespeare?" "That IS Shakespeare, Prime Minister." "I'll give Sir Humphrey your message." "Sit down, Frank." " I wanted to sound you out about something." " Of course, Prime Minister." "I'm wondering if Humphrey hasn't got rather too much on his plate." " I'm sure he can manage." "Tremendously able." " He's not overstretched?" "No, got it all under control." "No problem there." "Because I was wondering, speculating about his position as Head of the Civil Service." "Ah." "It could make some sense if everything were to be transferred to the Treasury if you think you could do part of Humphrey's job?" "Oh..." "Yes, that could make a lot of sense." "But if, as you say, he's not overstretched..." "When I say "not overstretched"," "I was talking in the sense of total, cumulative loading taken globally, rather than in respect of certain individual and essentially anomalous responsibilities which are not, logically speaking, consonant or harmonious with the broad spectrum of intermeshing functions" "and could be said to place an excessive burden on the office when considered in relation to the exiguous advantages of their overall centralisation." "You COULD do part of Humphrey's job." "Ah, hello." "May I speak to Sir Humphrey, please?" " Yes, Bernard." " Oh, hello, Sir Humphrey." "Oh, Sir Humphrey, hello." " Hello." " Bernard here." "So I see." " You're just the person I want to talk to." " Here I am in person." "Even better." "Well, yes and no." "Erm, Sir Humphrey..." "Yes, Bernard?" "The Prime Minister has asked me to remind you that it might be more convenient, that is, it might involve you in less hanging around..." ".. if you were to phone through from the Cabinet Office before popping over to see us." " It's not inconvenient at all." " Yes, it is." " No, it isn't." " Yes, it is." " Is the Prime Minister busy?" " Yes." " With what?" " Just paperwork." " I'll just have a word with him." " He's doing his paperwork with somebody." " He's got somebody with him?" " Yes." "Who?" "Who, Bernard?" " Permanent Secretary of the Treasury." " I see." "If you want to see the Prime Minister, it is better to phone and ask." "Sir Humphrey, no!" "If you were to become Head of the Home Civil Service, would there, do you think, be any...?" " Humphrey!" " Prime Minister..." "What are you doing here?" "I was just wondering if I could be of service." " Didn't Bernard tell you I was in a meeting?" " Yes, he did." "Well, what do you want?" "Well, I thought that as it was with one of my professional colleagues that I might be..." "Hello, Frank!" ".. might be able to make a contribution." "I see." "No, thank you." "Ah." " Thank you, Humphrey." " Thank YOU, Prime Minister." "This is a private meeting, Humphrey." " Do you want me to shut the door?" " Yes, please." "No, Humphrey." "From the other side." " May one ask why?" " Perhaps I should leave..." " Humphrey, please leave now." " In what sense do you mean "leave"?" "Go!" "Very well, Prime Minister." "You too, please, Frank." "We'll continue this on another occasion." "Bernard!" "Why did you let Sir Humphrey come in when I told you not to?" "I couldn't stop him." "He's bigger than me." "He must be confined to the Cabinet Office." "Lock the communicating door." " He has a key." " Take his key away from him." "You take his key away from him!" "Sorry, but I don't think it's within my power." "I'm giving you the power, Bernard." "I'm authorising you." "But I don't know whether I..." "I mean..." "Crikey!" "He'll go completely potty." " It's up to you, Bernard." " Yes, but..." " Freedom, Bernard." " Yes, but..." " I'm authorising you, Bernard." " Yes." "You alone will have access to the Prime Minister." "But..." "But me no buts, Bernard..." "Shakespeare." "No, Prime Minister, "but me no buts" is circa 1820." "Mrs Centlivre used the phrase in 1708, but it was Scott's employment of it in 1816 which made it fashionable." "Shall we keep to the point, please, Bernard?" "Yes, Prime Minister." "There's only one problem." "If I'm to take his key away from him, what reason can I possibly give?" " For God's sake, find a reason!" " Yes!" "Yes, Prime Minister." " Thank you, Prime Minister." " Thank me no thankings, Bernard." "Hacker." "Hello, Bernard?" "It's me." "I'm coming through to Number 10." "I'd like a word with the Prime Minister." " What did you say?" " I said "no", Sir Humphrey." " No?" " Yes." "That's better." "I thought you said "no"." "I did say "no"." "The Prime Minister is busy." " Then I'll come and see YOU." " I'm busy too." "What?" " You do not have permission to come in." " I'm coming anyway!" "You little runt!" " He couldn't believe it." " What did he say?" "He's coming anyway." "He can't come in." "I told Security to take his key from his office." " My God!" " No, Bernard, it's just your boss." " I'm staggered." " I'm fairly surprised myself." " How did you get through a solid door?" " Where's my key?" "The Prime Minister told me to have it removed." " That's quite correct." " It's nothing to do with you." "Thank you." "The Prime Minister does not have the power to take my key." " It's his house." " It's a government building." "It's his decision who comes into his house." "I don't give my mother-in-law my house key." "I am not the Prime Minister's mother-in-law, Bernard!" "Look, Bernard..." " Would you excuse us, dear lady?" " Yes, carry on." "Bernard, I don't want us to fall out over this." "It's so petty of the Prime Minister." "You and I will have to work together for some years yet, but Prime Ministers come and go." "Whereas your career prospects depend upon those who have the power over promotions and appointments on a long-term basis." "I must insist you tell me how you came in." " Sorry." " You must have a personal key." "Now, I insist you hand it over!" "Well done, Bernard." "Hello, is that Security?" "Change the locks on the door connecting the Cabinet Office to this house and bring me all the keys." "Yes, all the keys!" "At once!" "Right, well, thank you, gentlemen." " Oh, Frank!" " Yes?" "Good meeting with the PM?" "Yes, very good." "Any particular subject come up?" "Any particular subject you're interested in?" "No, not particularly." " He didn't talk about service appointments?" " It may have cropped up." "Did he foreshadow any redistribution of responsibility?" "It was a wide-ranging discussion." "Did it move towards any conclusion?" "There were arguments on both sides." "Evenly balanced?" "Perhaps tending slightly more one way than the other." " But nothing to worry about?" " Nothing for ME to worry about." "See you this afternoon." "Bernard, I'm coming through to Number 10." "Sir Humphrey, it is not convenient." "I'm coming anyway!" "He thinks he's coming anyway." "Open this door!" "Open this door!" "You'll pay for this!" "Open the bloody door!" "I'm sorry, sir." "Do you have an appointment?" " I'm Sir Humphrey Appleby." " I know." "Do you have an appointment?" " I'm the Cabinet Secretary!" " Yes, sir." "Do you have an appointment?" "I don't need an appointment." "I've got a pass!" "May I see it, sir?" "If you insist." "All right now?" "No, sir, that's a Cabinet Office pass, not a Number 10 pass." " You know me, damn it!" " There's a new top security instruction, sir." "No one may enter without a Number 10 pass unless they're on the daily list." "Unless Mr Bernard Woolley gives permission." " Would you like me to phone Mr Woolley, sir?" " Yes..." "No." " Yes." " Was that a "yes", sir?" "Yes." "I have Sir Humphrey Appleby here wishing to enter by the front door." "Ask Mr Woolley if he may be admitted." "They can't find Mr Woolley at the moment and he left no word, so we can't let you in." "Oh, look, it's Humphrey!" " Turn that noise off!" " It's all right." "It's only Sir Humphrey." "It's all right." "I'm perfectly safe!" "Sir Humphrey, to what do we owe this pleasure?" "Prime Minister, I must protest in the strongest possible terms... my profound opposition to a newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy which will, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated," "precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication and culminate in organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render impossible the coherent discharge of the function of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland." "You mean you've lost your key?" "Prime Minister, I must insist upon a new one." "In due course, Humphrey." "At the appropriate juncture." "In the fullness of time." "Meanwhile, we have another important, more urgent decision to make about Dorothy's office." " Quite." " Surely that can wait." "It must be resolved now, one way or the other." "It's like the question of the key really." "I'd be interested to hear your views." "They are really the KEY to the problem." "What do you think?" "Well, I..." "I think perhaps on reflection that Mrs Wainwright does need to be nearer this room." "So we'll move her back, shall we?" "Yes." "At once?" "Yes." "Splendid." "Bernard, do you have a spare key?" "Prime Minister..." "There is... one other question, Prime Minister." "May one enquire who is to be Head of the Home Civil Service?" "Why, you, Humphrey." "Or possibly Frank." "Or perhaps both." "I haven't decided yet." "But whatever happens, it's my decision." "Isn't it, Humphrey?" "Yes, Prime Minister."