"Nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden but it's been a good home to us - to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me." "They can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for." "Quick, leg it!" "Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him" "Phillip any more." "Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air." "And Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons." "One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah." "Two, nits love it." "Debbie, sent by God, total angel - you've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour." "Plus little Liam, who's gonna be a star some day." "Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier, one plate short of a full set, like." "And fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica, lend ya anything, well, almost anything." "Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell." "Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream." "Still, nobody's perfect." "But all of 'em to a man know, first and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in life is, they know how to throw a party!" "Scatter!" "'Me first stag night, the barman tells me a joke." "'Kid goes up to his dad, says he's heard that in some countries, 'a man doesn't even know his wife till he marries her." "'His dad tells him, "That happens in every fucking country, son."" "'And it's true, innit?" "I mean, if I'd have known Monica 'was gonna be a lezzer, I'd never have married her, would I?" "'Well, yeah, probably, I mean, I'd have thought I was in with a, you know, flesh sandwich." "'But the point I'm making, is, you just don't know, do you?" "'Spin the fucking wheel." "So that's the point of a stag do, innit?" "'Cos like the chief Roman said, "Veni, vidi, vodka."" "'Numb me fucking senses, boys, I'm comin' in!" "' Whoa!" "Not fucking Marty!" "All right!" "Oh, that's lovely..." "Out the way, mate." "No, Sheila." "Tell me it's not Ground Force?" "It's for the conservatory, Frank!" "We're gonna have frosted glass and blackout blinds for when I get a bit insidey outsidey." "Hello?" "The garden's only ten feet two." "What the fuck we need a conservatory for?" "The wedding!" "You know what I'm like, five hours out here and I'll go completely doolally." "Well, put up a fucking wigwam or summat." "Too much daylight." "How many times, eh?" "If you cold-turkey your tablets, I need telling cos A, they're worth money, B, they're a magnet for every fucking bronco for miles." "How the hell much is all this costing?" "8,000 plus VAT." "Well, we knocked a few quid off for signing on the spot." "There." "There you go." "I said I wanted a conservatory, Frank!" "it's my money." "You haven't got eight grand." "I've got a mortgage." "Three, two, one, back in the room." "Fuck's a re-mortgage costing me... us... you?" "Peanuts, Frank!" "Cos I paid off the house last year." "But if I'm gonna be honest, I missed filing all those bits of paper they used to send me." "So I took the money out and everything." "I hid it in here." "Well, you always said I shouldn't let people take advantage." "Come here, you!" "God, you are a total one-off!" "Why don't you let Frank take care of that, eh?" "OK." "So how much you over-quoted?" "Three grand?" "Four?" "Let's say four." "Eh?" "Four grand, split it 50-50." "Gizza receipt for the lot." "Job's eight grand." "On your fucking bike, Tonto!" "You seen Watchdog?" "Yeah?" "Presenter?" "Sheila's brother." "Twins." "He's Scottish." "Phone A Friend or fuck off." "We run an honest business here." "Pay our taxes, all above board." "I've just pulled a cake out if we're all done and dusted?" "Beer, anyone?" "Gin and tonic?" "Nah, I'm all right, thanks, love." "And he's had enough." "Where the fuck did you dig them up?" "Advert in the Church Gazette." "Right." "Well, thanks for telling me." "Veronica!" "Those tights you gave me have got a hole in." "Not now, Mum." "Ooh, what's the matter with her?" "Lost a fiver, found a..." "I said, not now!" "I've just found out me IVF's failed again." "I don't know why you want kids anyway." "Pain in the bloody arse, if you ask me." "Bleed you dry, take away the best years of your life and then they grow up to be a total waste." "Tell you what, Mum, don't mince your words, say what you really feel." "I mean, it's not much better from where I'm standing, is it?" "I mean, what did I get?" "Jane of the fucking jungle." "But with a beard." "Wedding dress." "Done." "Order flowers." "Done." "Wedding cake?" "Martha Stewart Berry Basket Cake with wooden dowel supports, if I can get the wooden dowels. if not, I'll just have to use toilet roll holders." "And you're making that yourself, so, done!" "Right, that brings us to bridesmaids and you'll obviously want Karen as one." "Me?" "Bridesmaid?" "You must be joking!" "So that just leaves me, and Liam as page boy." "I've just had to turn your water off, love, while we do the digging." "OK." "Right, so that's me and Liam, and I need a bridesmaid's dress, so I've found one..." "Digging?" "What does he mean, digging?" "But I don't understand." "Why are you digging?" "For the foundations!" "The ground's solid!" "Just put it on there, can't you?" "Well, it won't stand up." "We've only gotta dig a few feet." "I said no!" "I don't want digging!" "But if we don't dig, you can't have a conservatory." " All right, just forget it then." " You what?" "I said, forget it." "I don't want a conservatory." "Are you joking or what?" "I've booked time in for this job." "And you can't have a refund!" "Then keep the money!" "And the cake too, if you want it." "Look, I've bought all the gear now!" "Let's just get on with it." "Well, that's it then, innit?" "No more freebies on the NHS." "And me and Kev sure as shit haven't got two grand for going private, so it looks like game over." "Is it still Kev's sperm that's the problem?" "Still doing backstroke." "Thing is, he never wanted 'em, till bloody mouth almighty started going on about it." "Now he's desperate." "How am I gonna tell him that they've failed again?" "I mean..." "When they've been hand picked and scored out of a hundred." "And kids like Mandy Maguire can get pregnant from just fucking sneezing." "How's that fair?" "Have you ever thought about having any?" "Yeah." "Dunno..." "Lot of work, aren't they?" "Leave my patio alone!" "Leave it alone!" "Don't make me do this cos I will!" "Hey!" "What's going on?" "Sheila!" "Sheila!" "I don't want it!" "I don't want it!" "It's all right." "No digging." "I don't want them to do it." "They won't, they won't." "It'll be all right, it's all right, they'll leave it alone." "Fucking hell!" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry, Frank." "It's just so awful. it was so awful." "All right, all right." "There's no need for..." "Frank!" "There's something I need to tell you." "I can't marry you without telling you!" "You're not a bloke, are you?" "No!" "Course not!" "No." "No." "I was married, before... before Eddie." "Before Eddie..." "Karen's dad, Eddie?" "Yeah, Sheldon." "But he died... of a heart attack." "Oh, well, you know, some of these blokes these days don't take care of themselves, do they, you know?" "No exercise, pissing it up..." "But I mean, if it's putting you off getting married again, Sheila..." "No!" "No!" "No, it's not that." "It's just... he's buried in the garden." "You serious?" "No coffin, nothing?" "!" "She just wrapped him in a doily, said a few Hail Marys and shoved him six feet under." "It's what he would've wanted, she reckons." "Give us another pint, Kev, and a couple of E's." "It's a bit fucking weird, though." "Course it's a bit fucking weird!" "Fucking Michael Jackson video in your back garden!" "Stiff under the whatsit bush!" "It's hardly Mr And Mrs, is it?" "Hey, d'you reckon Karen knows?" "Hey, Karen..." "Don't tell her, you stupid bastard!" "It's not like he's her dad." "So what did Sheila said about it?" "Is she all right?" "How the fuck should I know?" "Ooh." "Oh." "Hey, hey." "So, er..." "So should we have heard from the hospital?" "Should have been today." "It might be tomorrow." "I'll take him home, shall I?" "Make sure Sheila's all right, find out what I can." "Come on, tosspot!" "Cheers!" "Ah, look at that, Liam." "You'd look sweet in that." "Oi!" "Who's the - spunk face - short arse outside?" "Who?" "Oh, not again!" "What does he want?" "Where?" "Ah, go on Debs, he's your boyfriend, in' he?" "You're joking, aren't you?" "!" "He's only about four!" "Someone tell him I've gone out." "Come on, Liam." "Fuck off!" "Thanks for bringing him home." "Well, I thought I'd come and see how it's going, you know wi'... wi' wedding and that." "Sorry I haven't got much to offer you." "I could do you a vodka." "So is that where he's buried, then?" "What?" "!" "Oh, I'm.." "I'm sorry. it's just..." "Well, Frank said... and, well..." "I mean only to us, and I..." "What the hell happened?" "Oohh.." "There's..." "Let me, er..." "Let me do those." "There's not really much to tell, actually." "I just... couldn't handle the funeral." "Was the agoraphobia." "And when he fell down stairs and killed himself," "I thought, the garden's just as good a place as any." "And he loved that garden, he loved it." "He used to sit out there and point where to plant things." "Fell down the stairs?" "I..." "I thought he had a heart attack." "He did." "He did." "He did, after he fell down the stairs." "I thought maybe I should've done him a headstone, but it would've spoiled the symmetry." "I mean there wasn't any time." "I didn't even have time to take off his jewellery." "He didn't like me to touch him anyway." "That's why I can't wear gold." "That's why I have to wear fake or platinum." "Maybe I should have phoned someone but I knew he was dead because he didn't get up to watch The Sweeney." "The Sweeney..." "What did Frank say?" "What did he say?" "How much gold, Sheila?" "You look nice, Carol." "I always think animal prints suit you." "Veronica's put you up to this, hasn't she?" "No, of course not." "Hmm." "Well, whatever it is you're wanting, I'm not biting." "Hiya, Debbie." "Doing a good trade on the confetti." "Waste not, fucking want not." "The thing is, it's not actually me wanting something. it's Sheila." "She's stressed about the wedding and she wants me to be her bridesmaid but..." "The answer's no." "Oh, go on, Carol, please." "I'm not nicking you a dress." "I got cautioned the last time." "I can't take that chance again." "All right, Yvonne?" "Just a pack of gum for me." "3.20." "Take What You Want Day for bearded ladies were last week, Carol." "Thank you." "Why are you following me?" "I've got Racing Ninjas." "Look, Brian, the thing is..." "I don't want to be rude or anything." "I'm just not really interested." "It's nothing personal or anything." "It's just... it's all about chemicals in your brain and you can't help those - who you've got them for and who you haven't." "And with you, I just haven't." "Sorry." "No hard feelings, eh?" "You can have me skateboard if you let me kiss ya." "I don't want a skateboard." "What I want is a bridesmaid dress." "Frank?" "Frank!" "What d'ya do that for?" "!" "She's buried him with a load of gold!" "He was covered in it!" "Rings, watches, teeth." "Must be worth a fortune." "What the fuck's that gotta do wi' me?" "We need to dig him up!" "Dig?" "Are you off your f..." "Dig him up?" "!" "It's not Brookside." "He's a dead person!" "Well, exactly!" "He don't need it, does he, eh?" "It were years ago." "He'll only be a bag of bones." "Oh, and what?" "You don't think he's entitled to everlasting... you know, fucking whatsit?" "A man's soul's has a right to be left in peace, doesn't he, or what is the world coming to?" "You can say a few prayers when you bury him again." "Come on, Frank." "Kev's cousin can fence it." "All we need to do is get rid of Sheila for the night, dig him up, split it 50/50." "It's yours by rights." "Yeah, but..." "Is it?" "Yeah, course it is!" "Cos... well, Sheldon were married to Sheila..." "Yeah.." "...which makes her his next of kin you're married to Sheila..." "Well, near enough, so that makes you her..." "I really need this money, Frank!" "And don't pretend you don't." "Money Sheila's spending on this wedding. it's payback." "That's better." "Ooh, you're awake." "Oh..." "That was a bit hardcore." "What time is it?" "'Bout three." "Shit!" "Mandy, I'm here!" "I'm here now." "Fuck you, Lip!" "Look, just let me take her." "I said I would." "You said you'd be here at two!" "Just one afternoon out with me friends, that's all I wanted!" "Well, I'm here now." "You're not reliable!" "I said I didn't want you involved with her." "I said you'd get bored and fuck me over, and you have!" "We don't need that in our lives, Lip." "You're gonna end up like your own fucking dad!" "Mandy...!" "I thought we'd agreed to make a go of it." "Fuck!" "Look, she'll calm down, Lip." "She's just pissed off with you." "She's right, though, isn't she?" "I fucked up." "OK, so tell her you're sorry and tell her you'll make it up to her." "I don't wanna be like him." "I wanna be a good dad." "Look, do you think..." "Well..." "What if I asked her to move in wi' me?" "I'd be there for her all the time and she'd know I mean it." "I suppose." "I could redecorate my room, do it how she likes." "That's commitment, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Where d'you get this from?" "Wrong colour." "Party!" "Come on, kid." "Get t'music on, Frank." "Party!" "Is it a hen night or something?" "Maybe we should invite some of the others." "No, we can do that later." "We thought we'd have a celebration." "Get the girl a drink, Vee." "Whey-ey!" "Come on!" "I've got so much love to give" "I've got so much love to give" "I've got so much love to give..." "Come on, Vee!" "I'm coming." "Here we go, Sheila." "Chin chin." "Cheers." "Cheers." "I've got so much love" "I've got so much love..." "Where d'you get it from?" "I stole it." "Where from?" "Me dad works at a printers and they make wedding invitations, so I know who's getting married." "Don't cry..." "Please stop crying, honey." "You'll be all right." "We'll sort you out a dress." "You'll be fine." "So, Brian, how many more weddings d'you know of?" "Dancing Queen by ABBA" "Ooh, I love this one." "I'm having such a lovely time!" "Dance with her, will ya?" "Oh!" "Go on then, Sheila." "You can dance..." "Come on." "There you go." "Come on." "Another one already?" "Down in one..." "Go on!" "Go on!" "Go on." "Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on." "Oh, thank fuck for that." "How many did you give her?" "Ten." "You don't think she's...?" "SNORES" "That's the thing about women, see?" "Devious." "Like Alistair fucking Campbell." "Tick, tick, tee-tee-tee." "Make out that there's nothing going on, but inside..." "I mean, where's Kev while you're here, eh, witching hour, legs straddling a fucking corpse?" "At home in bed, none the flaming wiser." "More to the point, where are you, Frank?" "You're meant to be fucking helping!" "No, I can't go there." "I'm getting flashbacks to me mam." "Anyway, you were a fucking nurse." "You're used to dead bod..." "Fucking hell, Frank!" "I think I've found him." "Have a look." "Can you see the gold?" "Bloody hell!" "There's a watch, though." "And some rings." "Fuck... me." "Jesus Christ on a bike!" "That was some fucking fall down the stairs." "Wedding March by Mendelssohn" "Here." "Got you a double." ""Dig him up, " she said." ""Won't hurt anyone."" "No, you've not just found out you're marrying Myra fucking Hindley." "Frank, I am just as freaked out about this as you are." "Oh, how's that work?" "!" "Are you lying awake at 3am wondering whether you're gonna make it till breakfast time?" "Look." "This wouldn't normally be my first port of call, but maybe we should think about going to the police." "You could say you were gardening..." "Hey!" "How come suddenly it's all about me?" "!" "You're the one who fucking dug him up." "Frank!" "You wanna pull yourself together." "There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation." "For a fondue set in the ribs?" "!" "What, he thought "Oh, I'll try a bit of acupuncture" ""to cure the heart attack..." ""Oh dear, I've stabbed myself to death"?" "I don't think so." "If you go to the police, we've lost the gold, so shut up about it." "When did you turn into Lara Croft, Tomb Raider?" "Shit!" "Ooh, I've got a shocking head!" "Didn't sleep properly last night." "I was up and down like a yo-yo." "Sorry, am I interrupting something?" "No, we were just talking about the wedding." " Frank's really looking forward to it." " Oh, Frank, are you?" "Course I am, yeah." "I've got my dress fitting today." "Great." "I've got a diamante bodice, nylon tulle veil, modesty panel." "I know you don't like looking after the twins but I thought maybe for..." "Course I do!" "No, don't be silly!" "Any time!" " It'd only be for an hour." " Yeah." "Don't question it, Sheila, he might change his mind!" "Anyway, I've gotta shoot." "Hey, Veronica!" "Have you got moles, then?" "You what, Lillian?" "Moles." "Our Leslie saw you digging in't garden." "She lives over the back." "No, Lillian, no, it's the diggers..." "We got the builders in. it's not us." "It was definitely you." "In the night." "She wanted to go." "No, she must've been dreaming it." "Dreamt it." "You know what she's like." "Hang on." "Sheila, come on darling." "She did tell me it were you." "She knows yer house." "Lillian!" "Hang on, love." "Just go on, darling, you enjoy yourself." "She told me it were you, she knows yer house." "Hey, your work on this planet is finished, return to your own people." "She don't tell lies." "She saw yer." "Fucking hell." "No." "No." "No." "Look, Lip, I told you." "Just come with us a minute." "Debs, watch Katie." "What we doing, Lip?" "You'll see in a minute." "All right, you ready?" "Ta da!" "What's this meant to be?" "It's for you." "I thought if you moved in here, I'll be around, won't I?" "Won't be able to forget things." "Lip, a couple of coats of paint aren't gonna solve anything." "And what makes you think I'm gonna move in here with you lot?" "It's a fucking mad house." "No offence, but I'd rather eat me own sick." "I don't understand you." "But I want it to work, Mandy." "Yeah, so do I. But it's us we've gotta sort out." "The real stuff." "Not some fucking paint job." "I don't want to, Debbie." "Brian!" "You said you'd help me." "You said I could kiss you." "Just help me get the dress and I'll..." "Just one, OK?" "Here." "On the mouth." "On the mouth or I'm not doing it." "Just help me get the dress, all right?" "Where'd you get it from?" "Oh, you know, grave robbing, usual stuff!" "I'd put it back if I was you." " Eh?" " It's fake." "The lot of it." "Ain't worth a penny." "Come on then, let me see." "All right, then." "But make it quick." "And if you gob on me, I'll throw up on you." "Well go on, then!" "I think you're horrible." "You think you're really it but you're not." "You're just using me, and you shouldn't do that cos it's wrong." "I don't wanna kiss you." "I don't wanna see you ever again." "Frank?" "Are you all right about tomorrow?" "I can't wait to be Mrs Gallagher." "I think I'll just hit the hay, Sheila." "Just locking up for the night, Frank." "Frank?" "Yeah, just in here, love." "Frank, are you all right, love?" "Yeah, just... you know... ls there something wrong?" "Frank?" "What Lillian said..." "Were you digging?" "Did you dig him up?" "!" "Sorry, love." "Can't hear you." "Did you dig him up?" "!" "Did you dig him up?" "Did you dig him up, Frank?" "Hey, erm..." "Veronica." "You've heard, haven't you?" "From the hospital." "It's not good news, is it?" "No." "Oh, look, I'm really sorry." "I just didn't know how to tell you." "You're all right." "Veronica!" "Veronica!" "For fuck's sake!" "Mind your feet!" "What the fuck are you playing at, Frank?" "!" "Let me in!" "You've just broken the fucking window!" "Look..." "I need the money from the gold." "What fucking gold?" "!" "You've done what?" "!" "He were fucking dead anyway!" "Correction - murdered." "How much?" " Hey, you what?" "!" " Sheila murdered him." "So?" " She murdered him?" "You're joking." " Wish I fucking was, mate." "Well, Frank, it was a big fat zero cos it's all fake, so fucking tough shit on both of us." "So I dug up that body up for nothing?" "You didn't dig him up, I fucking did!" "That gold was my get out of jail free card!" "How the hell am I gonna get away from her now?" "!" " Whoa, what you on about?" " She knows!" "Fucking Lillian, fucking..." "And now she's gonna kill me." "No, it's not fucking funny!" "You didn't see her with that spade." "They get a taste for it, don't they?" "I've seen Crimewatch." " Oh, for fuck's sake!" " What the hell am I gonna do now?" "!" "I'm gonna have to stay here while I get me head together." "You are joking." "Over my dead body!" "It's me darkest hour, Veronica!" "Me dream wedding in tatters." "Me kids are not taking pity on me." "Lip's already thrown me out." "Well, tell it to Oprah!" "Now fuck off!" "Veronica, you can't do this to me, I'm a marked man!" "You got me into this!" "Veronica!" "Go home, Frank!" "Piss!" "I don't believe you!" "I know." "Don't." "What were you thinking?" "!" "I thought we could use the money to... for IVF." "I know how much you want it, Kev." "Oh, you..." "Come here, you daft cow." "Hey, not many blokes could say their wife'd go grave robbing for 'em." "Ooh, it were horrible and all." "And he stank!" "Ooh." "Look, Vee, we're all right." "We don't need no-one else." "Hey, but we don't need to be trying for a baby to have sex, do we?" "No!" "Let us in, then!" "Frank?" "Frank?" "Are you there, love?" "Carl... is your dad there?" "No." "Why?" "I think he's left me." "Hey, give over, Sheila." "He's... he's probably with..." "He's probably out with Kev somewhere, isn't he?" "Getting ready and that." "It's bad luck to see you on your wedding day, in't it?" "Look, why don't you go home?" "Don't worry, we'll find him." "I'll get him." "What the fuck are you doing, Frank?" "It's your wedding day." "You can't just disappear." "She's in pieces." "Yeah, but what about me?" "I'm a hunted man!" "She's got a fucking spade, Veronica!" "If you're not gonna marry her, Frank, you have gotta tell her." "Sort him out, will you?" "I'm going to Sheila's." "Come on, knobhead." "All right, so you dig up this bloke and she's killed him, right?" "Yeah, and who's to say he's not the only one?" "Remember..." "Eddie The Owl?" "Fucking missionary work?" "In Africa?" "Or six feet under?" "What's the more likely, eh?" "Look, the only reason you know about Sheldon is cos she told you." "What's she gonna tell you for if she's planning on giving you the same?" "Well, it's a double bluff, in't it?" "Plus, she had no choice." "No, that's bollocks, Frank." "The reason she told you is because she trusts you." "That woman, she wouldn't lay a finger on you." "Fuck knows why, but she thinks the sun shines out of your arse." "But she's still a fucking murderer, Kev." "I'm not marrying her." "It's beautiful, in't it?" "I thought I might as well put it on, though I don't s'pose I'll be needing it now." "Hey now, come on." "Enough of that." "He knows, doesn't he?" "He knows about Sheldon." "I'm sorry, Sheila..." "He used to hit me." "If everything wasn't just so, he used to... it was like he was looking for things to find fault with." "Like, if his records weren't stacked neatly or if I had a button undone." "Sheldon fucking beat you?" "I was young." "You think you deserve it, don't you?" "You don't know any better." "It was the gold that was the worst." "He used to burn me with it, pattern marks all up and down me arms and legs." "And if I cried, he'd punch me in the face." "Battered me once, put me in hospital for a month." "Why didn't anybody stop him?" "Why didn't you go to the police?" "I did, but they used to pretend they couldn't see the marks." "They just used to say, "There, there,"" "give me a boiled sweet and send me home." "They used to call it a domestic in those days." "They didn't wanna get involved." "It was always gobstoppers." "Can't stand the sight of them now." "And then one night, he was coming at me with the medallion." "I just went..." "I didn't plan any of it." "Oh, Sheila." "What a bastard!" "I can't believe you've never told us before!" "He deserved everything he got then." "You mustn't waste another breath on him." "But Frank's gone, Veronica." "Because of me." "Because of what I've done." "Hey now, come on, that's..." "Do you think maybe if I confessed, do you think maybe Frank could forgive me?" "I know he doesn't love me any more, but if he could forgive me, that would be something, wouldn't it?" "You are not getting yourself banged up for the likes of Sheldon." "He was a monster." "But for Frank." "He's the best thing that's ever happened to me!" "I'm gonna turn myself in." "Oi!" "Having a nice time, are yer?" "While your fiancee's gone to turn herself in?" "If you can't do the time..." "For the murder of a bloke who beat her to a fucking pulp!" "Oi!" "Where the fuck you going?" "!" "Empty house." "Gonna keep meself company." "For fuck's sake, Frank, he used to burn her fucking arms with a medallion!" "How much more convincing do you need?" "!" "I am not fucking joking, Frank!" "You can't let her go through with this!" "She'll go to prison!" "She's only confessing cos she thinks it's what you want!" "Fucking hell." "What?" "Mr and Mrs Gallagher." "She's opened a fucking joint account for you." "What's he doing?" "!" "Get off!" "What you doing?" "!" "For fuck's sake!" "Sergeant." "Thank you." "Blimey, look at you, Sheila!" "Ah, the twins have grown, eh?" "Yeah, they have." "So, what can we do for you?" "You come to report a crime?" "What is it?" "Frank wants to wear his Hawaiian shirt for the wedding?" "!" "No." "I've come to confess to a murder." "I'm sorry." "Sheila, you don't have to marry Frank if you don't want to." "You don't have to go making up stories." "No, I do!" "I really do." "It's just cos of the conservatory, you see?" "All right." "Maybe we should, erm..." "We'll get you a cup of tea." "Yeah, that'd be lovely." "With Demerara, if you've got it." " Gob-stopper?" " No." "Whoa, Neddy!" "Hold the fucking horses." "Whatever she's saying it's not true, right?" "!" "It's just pre-wedding jitters, isn't it?" "Can I just have a couple of minutes with her on me own?" "Sheila!" "What you doing, you daft mare?" "!" "I know you know about him, what I've done, so I thought I'd come and get it off me chest." "What you talking about?" "He was a brute, wasn't he?" "Veronica told me." "He deserved everything he got." "If I'd have got to him first, I'd have done it!" "If anyone lays a fucking finger on you..." "Frank, you'd gone because of what I'd done." "No!" "Well, yeah, but it was just..." "You know, just a... moment of cold feet!" "Just a normal kind of blokes' thing." "I got a bit..." "Anyway, the point is, I'm here now!" "Why don't we just go home, eh?" "To tell you the truth, you finding out's quite a weight off." "I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I've thought maybe all this trouble I've had over the last few years, you know, the pills and everything, maybe it's cos of the guilt." "I think I need to be punished." "Sheila, you have served your time." "In here." "So what good's it gonna do?" "It's not gonna bring him back, is it?" " But Frank..." " I'll tell you something, if you go to prison... if you go to prison, you will kill another man, because..." "I will die of a broken heart." "Frank, do you really mean that?" "Do I?" "A man without a woman..." "Sheila Jackson will you do me the great thingy of being my wife?" "Oh, yes!" "Yes, course I will!" "Of course I will!" "Let's get the fuck out of this place, then." "Well, you don't scrub up bad." "I didn't think you were coming." "Wouldn't miss this, would I?" "I got me mum to mind Katie." "So, it's just me and you today." "If we can remember how to do that." "Course we can." "Come on." "You got a buttonhole, Marty?" "Nick a cock in it!" "Hiya, Karen." "Hiya, Sue." "Here you are, love." "In a civil service, we don't make vows of a religious nature." "Thank fuck." "But we pledge our love, honour and respect in a way that's just as deeply binding." "Come on, get to the good bit!" ""Do you, Vernon Francis Gallagher..."" "Join in if you know the words." "Do you Vernon Francis Gallagher, take Sheila Jackson to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I do!" "And do you, Sheila Jackson take Vernon Francis Gallagher to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "Yes!" "Yeah!" "I'm guilty!" "Hurray!" "Here's the ring!" "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "Wahey!" "Way to go, Frank!" "Congratulations and celebrations" "When I tell everyone that you're in love with me" "Congratulations and jubilations..." "Hey." "I'm glad you came through." "Well, I could hardly let her down, could I?" "Anyway, I got to thinking, I never got the divorce through from Monica in the end, so it's not legal, anyway." "Mr and Mrs Gallagher." "'So, I've got a new joke." "What does "bigamy" mean?" "'One wife too many." "'And "monogamy"?" "Same fucking thing." "'But if you've gotta have a ball and chain," "'Sheila's the woman for the job." "'If we ever fall on hard times, we can send her out as a contract killer." "'So, like the chief Roman said, "Veni, vidi, vol-au-vent."" "'Let's have a fucking party!" "'"