"[Announcer] The heat wave continues with 125-degree temperatures... turning Malibu Adjacent into a virtual ghost town." "But it's a balmy 95 degrees at the beach... making it the most crowded place on the planet." "Back away from the beach." "Back away from the beach." " [Woof]" " The beach is full." "Go home." "[Speaking German]" "[Woof Woof]" "No one else will be allowed in." "No one." "No exceptions." "How about me, Notch?" " Oh, hi, Chappy." "Come on in." " Thank you." "Come on, come on." "Give the man some room." "Hey, how come some bum gets in and we don't?" "He's not a bum." "He's Homeless Chappy." "I've known Notchie here since he was knee-high to a shopping cart." "This beach is Chappy's home and his bathroom." "[Kimberlee] Notch." "Notch." "This situation's out of control." "We've got victims of heatstroke, sunstroke." "Jamaica and me just saved a family of 5 from a shark attack." "How are they do..." "How are they doing?" "They're gonna have some nasty nicknames when they get back to school." "Notch." "Looks like we have some reinforcements coming." "Look." "[Notch] They're wearing our uniforms... but I didn't hire them." "[Kimberlee] If you didn't hire them, who did?" "Ahem." "Mayor Massengil." "You hired them?" "Yes, and they're not your reinforcements." "They're your replacements." "You're all fired." "Huh?" "[Announcer] Tonight's episode..." "[Announcer] Son of the Beach is shot on a film-like substance." "[Radio Announcer] Currently, it's 125 in the city... 95 at the beach and in beautiful downtown..." "Notch, let me ax you this." "Have we been axed?" "I'm afraid so, Jamaica." "I can't believe I've been 69'd." "Uh, I think you mean 86'd." "Yeah, that, too." "Ah." "It's the SPF gang." "Say hello and good-bye to your replacements." "Julia, Louise and Dreyfuss." "Wow." "You three look so much alike, you could be twins." "But frau mayor, how are these... little liebchens better than us?" "They're stronger, cheaper, and more efficient." "We'll be saving lives and money." "With all due respect, I don't think you're allowed to fire us... without giving us a chance to compete against the new guards." "Check your contracts, cutie." "Well, it just so happens I carry a copy with me." "I keep meaning to straighten this out." "Here it is." "Read it for yourself, Mayor." "It's right there in brown and yellow." "I'll take your word for it." "So, you want a contest?" "My girls will eat you for lunch." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'll eat your girls for breakfast." "[Laughs] Come on, girls." "All right." "We've heard the challenge." "Now I've got one for you." "I want the four of you... to exercise like there's no tomorrow." "If you work really hard... maybe one day you'll have a body like this." "Now, let's get sweaty." "Johnson, it's time." "OK." "It's exactly two miles from here to Point Down." "I guarantee you, my three girls will finish the relay race... before even one of you finishes." "[Laughs]" "[All Laughing]" "[Kimberlee] Yeah, right." "Ready." "Set..." "Oh, did I mention?" "They're robots." " [All] What?" " Robots?" " [Kimberlee] Go." "Come on." " Go, go, go!" "Move!" "Go, Notch, go." "I just dropped in to tell you guys..." "I'm gonna miss you a lot." "Ah." "Uh, excuse me." "I've got to take a whizz." "The little boys' room is over there." "That's OK." "I'm finished." "[All Groan]" "See ya." " Bye." " Peace." " Ew." " Yo, Chief." "You look bent." "What's cracking?" "I'm not sure, but I think I'm having a thought." "Oh, I get those once in a while." "They usually pass." "No, no." "This one's telling me the mayor is not in this by herself." "Those robots are too perfect." "No, this has to be the work of some sort of evil genius." "[Computer] Flattery will get you everywhere, Notch Johnson." "Milosevic." "That's Professor Milosevic." "Notch Johnson, you made me the way I am today." "You are about to learn that payback is a bitch." "[Laughing]" "No!" "Good gravy." "The last time I saw you... you wouldn't have even made a good sofa cushion." "Yes, but look at me now... brimming with vim and vigor." "How do you like my cyber bitches?" "They took me years to build." "All that time and energy just to build mechanical lifeguards?" "They are the first members of an entire race... of perfect robotic women." "A perfect race?" "Yo, Chief." "Where do you know this bionic homeboy from?" "Jamaica, this man was once..." "Malibu Adjacent's greatest lifeguard." "He taught me everything I know." "And then..." "I ruined his life." "Yes." "Thanks to him, I am now part human and part Pentium 3... with a 550 megahertz processor... a lithium ion battery... and built-in DVD ROM." "Can you girls imagine what it feels like... to have batteries inside you?" "Do not feel bad." "Today I consider myself... the luckiest man in the universe." "For I am replacing Notch Johnson as chief lifeguard." "Now, get out of my headquarters." "So long, Johnson." "Do not forget to E-mail." "[Laughing]" "Notch, was the professor guy... telling the truth, or was he not telling a lie?" "It's not neither." "Let me tell you what happened." "It was a long time ago, I believe, in 1998." "Back then, his name was Duke Milosevic." "We were the best of buds." "Did everything together." "Until one day, we were out for a sail." "It was a day just like today... except it was gusty, overcast, and 25 degrees cooler." "Everything was perfect, until... out of nowhere, the weather started getting bad." "The sailboat was tossed." "If it wasn't for the daring of our courageous crew... that sailboat would have been lost." "The boat rocked until Duke was hanging off the side." "I held on to him as long as I could... but I must have put on too much sunblock... because my hand was slippery." "I lost him." "And then one day, his body washed up on shore... alive, but lifeless." "[Crying]" "Oh." "Oh, Notch." "I'm so sorry." "I tried to save him." "I really did." "Ugh." "Um..." "Notch?" "People think I'm perfect." "My body superhuman, but it's not." "Damn." "How nasty." "Uh, Notch?" "[Speaking German]" "Notch?" "Oh, thanks, B.J., but it's not your fault." "It's mine." "Oh." "Notch, we're your friends." "We feel your pain." "OK, thank you." "Thank you." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I can't even remember why I was upset." "[Crying]" "Well, all I know is that we're much more smarter than some robots." "Well, sure we are." "You'll see." "Before you know it, we'll all have jobs." "Yeah." "We'll get new jobs." "Trust me." "Everything's gonna be just fine." "[Burps]" "[Radio Announcer] It looks like another scorcher here in Malibu Adjacent." "Temperatures of 125 in the city, 95 at the beach." "[Grunting]" "Ah." "Boy, I had the craziest dream last night." "Hey, what are my pants doing around my ankles?" "[Computer] Oh, yes." "Daddy like." "Touch my mouth, Louise." "Touch it." "That's it." "I can see God." "I am getting tingly in the left part of my body that still has sensation." "Oh, yes." "I am going to empty my recycle bin." "Anyone home?" "One moment, please." "Julia, grab a moist towelette." "It's clean-up time." "Enter and sign in, please." "Greetings, Mayor." "Good news, Professor." "Governor Thomas has just confirmed... he'll be here tomorrow morning." "Splendid." "Our dreams will be fully realized." "Yes." "When he sees how effective these robots are... he'll offer me that lieutenant governorship... so fast, your head will... stay just the way it is." "And I will be the exclusive supplier of all beach personnel... making me the number one lifeguard in the universe." "That's right." "Well, see you tomorrow morning." "Just pray it does not exceed 100 degrees Fahrenheit." "Why is that?" "Because the robots have not been tested... above that temperature." "Listen, Ironsides." "If something goes wrong tomorrow... if those robots don't perform perfectly..." "I'll rip that joystick of yours out... and shove it up your "A" drive." "And wipe that stupid look off your face." "There he is." "Notch Johnson." "Is that you?" "I used to be Notch Johnson." "Notch, get it together." "Look, there's a chance we could get our lifeguard jobs back." "Not me." "All I do is blow jobs." "Notch, what's the matter with you?" "Snap out of it!" "Ah, forget it." "I'm useless." "Ooh!" "I'm a loser, honey." "Just kill me, why don't you?" "Aah!" "[High-pitched Voice] Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Thanks for trying." "Notch, you don't understand." "This whole thing was set up so the mayor can be lieutenant governor... and Milosevic can rule the world's beaches." "Yeah, Milosevic had me thrown off my own beach." "He told me I was a bum." "Oh, Chappy." "You may look like a bum... but trust me, you're a derelict." "Thank you." "Milosevic, you bionic son of a bastard." "Chappy, you're going home so you can live out your days in homelessness." "Governor Thomas, you are about to see an amazing show." "Well, I just hope I don't get heat stroke." "You know, I don't have a lieutenant governor." "Oh, that's right." "I'd completely forgotten." "Governor, this is Professor Milosevic... the genius who's been working with me on this project." "Well, it's very nice to meet you, Professor." "[Computer] Nice to meet you, Governor." "It is a lovely day for a m-m-m-m-maw maw." "Excuse me?" "Mmm." "Must have been a typo." "Forgive me." "And these are your new 21 st century lifeguards." "Julia, Louise and Dreyfuss." "Hello there." "Well, let's get this demonstration started, shall we?" "Great idea." "Well, robots aside, it sure is great to have the gang back together." " [All] Yeah." " No doubt." "But, yo, we should be down there kicking our skills for the gov, man." "Yeah, but look at them." "They're perfect." "Yeah, but who wants to live in a world... where everybody's a perfect blond-haired, blue-eyed... physical specimen who only does what they're told?" " [Girls] Not me." " Chip?" "I'm thinking." "What if I said they weren't so perfect after all?" "Folks?" "I am now going to ask..." "Professor Milosevic to program these lovely lifeguards... to run to Santa Monica and back." "Professor?" "Very well." "Ladies, run to Santa Monica and back." "Ha ha ha ha." "But seriously... on your mark, get set." "What is going on here?" "I only have an hour." "Watch, or you'll miss it." "[Mayor] Aren't they wonderful?" "My God." "You mean if the temperature hits 100... they go haywire or something?" "Well, Milosevic wasn't sure... but he seemed kind of nervous about it." "Too bad it's only... 97!" "Try 98." "Yo, 99." "The heat is on." "This could be good." "Or not." "We're doomed." "Why don't we just crawl into bunker and shoot ourselves?" "No, wait." "The sun's out again." "[All] All right!" "Go!" "Go!" "Oh, I wish I could do something to get it up." "Keep going, keep going." "Come on." "Chappy, I need that lighter." "Thanks." " Come on." " Make way." "Make way." " Let's try this." " Oh, yeah." " Oh, yeah." " Come up." " Oh, yeah." " Get up." "Get up." "Come on, go!" "The robots are going verruckt." "Aaaaaah!" "What is this?" "Do something!" "I am melting." " What?" " Help me, Mommy." "You have three new messages." "Good-bye." "What the f-u- double toothpicks is going on here... and where the hell is Notch Johnson?" "Well, I fired him." " Fired him?" " Yeah." "Well, un-fire him now." "OK." "Well, Mayor, we've got a problem." "Well, you should call SPF 30." "Oh, that's right." "You fired them." "Looks like he was running Windows." "Looks like he was running Windows." "Johnson, you gotta help us." "What?" "You want help from us lowly humans?" "Please." "Oh, fine." "You replace us today... and tomorrow you replace Jerry the postman... or Vera the seamstress... or Larry the circus freak... who can smoke a cigarette out of his rectum." "All right, Johnson, I get the idea." "Now are you gonna stop those darn robots?" "Yeah, but only if we get our jobs back." "[Mayor] Of course." "Anything." "LfJohnson can stop this mess... you're gonna give all of them a 20% raise." " Hey." "Hey." " Yeah." "OK, let's start by rebooting." "Now, to stop these robots..." "I'll push control, alt, delete." "Hey, it worked!" "It worked!" "Yeah!" "[Computer] Holy crap." "Exit, stage right." "What are you doing?" "Isn't this what you want?" "I didn't save you once." "I'm not making the same mistake twice." "After all I've done to you, Notch Johnson... why would you want to save me?" "Because I'm a lifeguard, damn it." "I took an oath to save people's lives." "You may be an evil scientist... but you're also a human being..." "more or less... but most of all, because you're my friend." "Aah!" "Aah." "Aah." "Notch." "I have a small confession to make." "When I slipped out of your hand that day... it wasn't because your hand was slippery." "It was I who applied the sunblock." "You had the sunblock on?" "I was just looking for someone to blame." "Weep." "Weep, weep, weep." "Weep, weep, weep, weep." "Weep, weep, weep, weep, weep..." "[Chorus] *Reunited, and it feels so good *" "*Reunited, 'cause we understood *" "* There's one perfect fit, and, sugar *" "* This one is it *" "* We both are so excited *" "* 'Cause we're reunited Hey, hey *" "* Ooh hoo *" "* Ooh, listen, baby *" "*I won't ever make you cry *" "*I won't let one day go by *" "* Without holding you, without kissing you *" "* Without loving you-hoo *" "*Reunited **" "*Reunited **" "Oh, hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "You know, tonight's show was about..." "Well, what was tonight's show about?" "Uh-oh." "Looks like somebody could use some more memory." "Ha ha ha ha." "Tonight's show was about broadly drawn TVvillains." "To learn more, log on to... and click on Son of the Beach." "So, until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying..." ""Ride the big one."" "You said, "The big one." Mmm." "Daddy like." "Ha ha ha ha." "Milo, you're too much."