"Thanks for dinner tonight." "The food was great." "When you get the restaurant's number off a bathroom stall at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, you know it's gonna be good." "Well, guess this is the awkward-moment portion of the evening." "Yep." "The looming question." "Who gets the leftovers?" "You wanna come in for a while?" " Are your mom and sister home?" " They're probably asleep." "Let me check." "Hey." "Did you guys do it yet?" "Not asleep." "But we can still hang out in my room." "So we'd have to walk right past the two of them, right?" "Well, unless you own a jetpack." "Just feels kind of unsavory." " Why?" "We're not doing anything wrong." " That's true." "We're two people out on a date that aren't ready to say good night." "Exactly." "Shall we?" "Let's do it." " Hey." " Well, hello there." "Ugh." "How about this?" "Saturday night, come over to my place." "That way, we don't have to worry about the Smurfs and we can relax and do whatever we wanna do." " Whatever we wanna do, huh?" " Absolutely." " Why are you smiling?" " Why are you smiling?" "I'm smiling because I get the leftovers." "Come here, you." "You got any plans for this weekend?" " Promised my grandma I'd clean the garage." " I thought you cleaned the garage." "I'm dragging my feet." "I'm afraid, once I get it done, she's gonna make me live out there." "Yeah, like in the Army, when the enemy makes you dig your own grave." "Exactly." "So, what are you up to?" "Not much." "Molly's coming over Saturday night." "You dirty, dirty dog." "All right." "I told you he'd get laid before the Cubs won a World Series." "Now, is your apartment ready for entertaining a lady?" "The last time I saw your bathtub, it looked like you'd washed a gorilla in it." "Don't worry." "I'm going after it with a grill brush and some degreaser." "I'm buying a new shower curtain, nice sheets and some of that liquid soap that the ladies seem to favor." "Good idea." "Now you don't have to worry about plucking your pubes out of the Irish Spring." "Oh, that is tedious work." "I live with five roommates." "Our soap looks like a wet cat." "I cleaned the oven, vacuumed the Skittles out of the couch cushions." " And I'm buying drapes." " Drapes should have happened years ago." "I'm surprised your neighbors didn't start a petition." "What about candles or incense?" "Way ahead of you." "I put an Air Wick on the toilet tank." "Mango-kiwi." "It's like having a luau on your crapper." "Well, that's fine for knocking back the funk, but candles also help create a mood." "A sensual ambiance, if you will." "Is that why I get aroused when I see a birthday cake?" " No." " No." "But while we're talking about food, you're gonna need champagne and strawberries." " Strawberries?" " Big-ass strawberries." " I don't know why." "It drives the ladies wild." " You'd think it would be bananas." "Yeah." "Banana and a couple of plums laid out on the coffee table." "It should get their motor running." "Women are such mysterious creatures." "Beautiful, unsolvable mysteries." "Like those big alien crop circles." "But with nipples." "All right." "Strawberries, candles, champagne." "Anything else?" "Whipped cream." "You know, in case you wanna freak it up a notch." " I'm trying to stay away from sweets." " Then get fat-free." "You don't have to blow your diet to get your kink on." "Don't forget the four silk scarves so she can tie you to the bed and one large ostrich feather to be used on the underside of your scrotum." "You're not there yet." "Okay, that's cool." "Don't forget to take clean underwear so, if you do spend the night, you're prepared." "I don't want him to think I was planning on spending the night." "There's a lot of reasons a gal keeps a pair of drawers in her purse." "Some good, some bad." "Let him decide." "I can't believe how nervous I am." "Well, then throw in another pair of panties." "Better safe than smelly." "Mom, please, you're not helping." "Oh, honey, relax." "It's just sex." "I know it's been a while, but it's like riding a bike." "You know, if instead of wheels, the bike had two balls." "How long has it been, honey?" "I don't know." "Eighteen months, four days, five hours." "Wow." "You're lucky it's not like pierced ears where the holes grow shut." "That'd be an embarrassing trip back to the mall." "Whoa, whoa." "You can't let this guy see you wearing that big old pair of granny panties." "Don't you have a thong?" "I'm not wearing a thong, Victoria." " How about a bustier?" " How about two Band-Aids and a cork?" "You know what?" "I'm just gonna finish this up by myself." "Why don't you two go watch TV or bat a dead mouse around the kitchen floor?" "No, we wanna help you." "Which reminds me:" "Have you trimmed the hedges?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, you tend to get a little Shaggy in your Scooby-Doo." "I'm not having this conversation with you." "Mom?" "Listen, princess." "You don't want him to get lost in the weeds trying to find the pumpkin patch." "Have you ever heard the expression, "Does the carpet match the drapes?"" "Only when shopping for carpeting or drapes." "Well, just so you know, practically nobody has carpeting anymore." "Just a tiny little area rug near the entry way." "Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax on my lady business and ripping all the hair out." "Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie." "I can have that wax heated up lickety-split." "And then he can get at it lickety-split." "Maybe a little off the sides." "But we should probably have a safe word." "Well, I always just scream, "Ouch, my hoo-hah!"" "Right this way." " Why are you walking funny?" " I pulled a muscle at the gym." " Feeling the burn, huh?" " You have no idea." "Here we are." "Chez Mike." " After you, my lady." " Thank you, sir." "Humble digs of an honest cop." "Very n..." "Oh." "Heh." "Very nice." "I love the hardwood floors." "Yeah." "When I first moved in, it was wall-to-wall shag." "Took two guys all day to yank that stuff up." "They were tearing and pulling." "I get it, I get it, I get it." "So how long have you lived here?" "I found this place a few years ago." "It's a funny story." "It was actually a crime scene." "Murder-suicide." "Gay couple." "Been together since the '70s, hence the shag carpeting." "Anyway, I guess one of the fellas came home from a seven-day carnival cruise and found the other one in flagrante with what was either a man or a woman." "All we found was a bloody footprint from a size-16 cha-cha heel." "I guess that story's more tragic than it is funny." "As murder-suicides tend to be." "Would you like a glass of champagne?" " Not right now." " Yeah, probably not a good idea." "The bubbles make me a little gassy." "How about we just talk?" "Sure." "Talking's good." "Oh, I forgot the strawberries." "You want a strawberry?" " No, thank you." " You sure?" "They're the big ones." "Size of your fist." "Like a bowl of big red baby heads." "I'm fine for now." "All right, well, let me know if you change your mind." " Are you nervous at all?" " I'm a walking pit stain." "Me too." "It's just been so long since I've been alone with a man in his apartment." "Well, the last time there was a woman in this apartment she was a he, and someone got bludgeoned to death." "Not exactly the comfort I was looking for, but nice to know." " Molly." " Yeah?" "Promise me that, no matter what happens tonight you'll look at my bathtub and my shower curtain." "They're impeccable." "The machine will get it." "Hi." "This is mike." "I can't come to the phone right now." "Please leave me a message." "Hey, angel face." "It's mommy calling." "Listen, I went to Costco today because they were having a sale on those padded toilet seats and I remembered how much you admired mine." "Anyway, I picked one up for you, so now you don't have to worry about those giant red rings you get around your bottom." "Hey, Mom." "How are you?" "No, no." "I just walked in the door." "Oh, sorry." "I can't." "I have company." "No, it's not Carl." "Well, you don't know her." "Yes, I said "her."" "Look, Mom, can we please talk about this later?" "I promise, I'll call you back." "All right." "You too." "I did say it." "I love you too." " Everything all right?" " Yeah, fine." "Now, where were we?" "I think we were somewhere right..." "Right about here." "I am so sorry about this." "Mom, I told you I'd call you tomorr..." "What?" "Oh, my God." "Listen, hang up and dial 911." "I'll be right there." " What happened?" " She's having chest pains." "Really?" "She was fine just a couple of seconds ago." "What can I tell you?" "She's old, she's frail." "While we're talking about it, she could be dying." " Ooh, candles." " Oh, right." "You call that a check, you pansy-ass Canuck?" "If you can't play the game, get off the ice." " Mom, are you okay?" " Mikey, you shouldn't have come." " Did you call an ambulance?" " No." "I don't wanna bother anybody." "It's not bothering anybody." "We need to get you to the hospital." "What?" "And pay some quack 800 bucks to stick his thumb in my keister?" " Thumb?" " Leave it alone." "Who's that man with you?" " Mom, this is Molly." " I'm sorry, darling." "I'm blind as a bat." "Oh, you are a girl." "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Biggs." "I'm sorry you're not feeling well." "Thank you, dear." "Ah." "I see what it was." "The shadow from your nose makes it look like you have a mustache." "Mom, please, you need to see a doctor." "No, I don't trust doctors." "They just wanna saw you open and diddle with your innards." "It wouldn't hurt to at least get checked out." "Oh, I've lived through worse pain than this." "Mikey came out 14 pounds and sideways." "I'm lucky I can keep any food inside me." "Can I offer you one of my famous seven-layer cookies?" "No, thank you." "Can't we just go in for a few tests, just to be safe?" "No." "No tests." "No thumbs." "Thumbs?" "What doctor is she seeing?" "I said leave it alone." "Mom, you gotta stop giving that dog beer." "That's not Jim." "Jim's are more bacon-y." "Well, it wasn't me." " Hey." " Mom." "What?" "Process of elimination." "But if you're gonna blame the dog I'll go get my portable oxygen tank and take him for a walk." " No, no, you sit." "I'll take him." " Okay." "Remember not to rush him or squeeze him or eyeball him when he's in the middle of one." "I know the drill, Ma." " I'll be right back." " Hurry." "So is this the house Mike grew up in?" "Yep." "I wish I would have known him when he was a little boy." "Really?" "And would you still be the same age you are now?" "What?" "No." "I was just saying it would have been fun to have seen him as a kid." "Riding his bike, playing kickball." "I get it." "You like them young." "I love your house." "Sweet little place." "Very inviting." "It was paradise for a while." "Then that rat-bastard husband of mine ran off with a whore and left me with a mortgage I couldn't afford and a 16-year-old boy who ate cereal with a snow shovel." "Any more family history you wanna dredge up?" "No, that should hold me for a while." "You know, it's weird Mikey's never mentioned you before." "I'm sure it just slipped his mind." "Why would he be ashamed of you?" "Cookie?" "Yeah, I'll have a cookie." "Hmm." "And you said these were famous?" "Do you wanna just take me home?" "No, no." "The night's still young." "You sure?" "You seem a little preoccupied." "I'll be fine." "It's just natural to worry about her." "I get that." "But she seems to be built from pretty tough lumber." "You'd think, but after my dad left, she's been like a lost little bird." " Crow." " What?" "Nothing." "But didn't you tell me your dad ran off like 20 years ago?" "Leaving the two of us alone while he went off to Florida with that hooker." "Can you imagine leaving my dear sweet mother for a prostitute?" "Can you?" " Molly?" " No." "God, no." " Mike." " Yeah?" "I think that's enough." "It's starting to feel like midnight Mass in here." "How are the strawberries?" "Are they big enough?" "I guess." "Why don't you sit down and try and relax?" "Right." "I'm sorry." "I'm just a little distracted by my mom." "I'm sure she's fine." "Sometimes she puts on a brave face so I won't worry." "Well, I think that face is just her face." "But I think it's sweet that you take such good care of her." " If I don't do it, who's gonna do it?" " I get it." "After your folks divorced you became the man of the house." "That's why she's so uncomfortable with the idea of you having another woman." " What do you mean?" " Well, don't you find it a little odd that she started having chest pains after she found out you were on a date?" "Are you saying that my mom's trying to prevent me from having a relationship?" "I don't know about that, but I'm sure she's trying to prevent me from having one." "I don't know how things work in your family." " In my family, we take care of each other." " We take care of each other too." "We just don't fake heart attacks to keep each other from getting laid." "Oh, and there she is." "She's probably just calling to say she's fine." "Well, you have a decision to make." "You can take that call and see if she's okay, or you can take me in your bedroom." "I can't come to the phone right now." "I think you're gonna make the right decision." "It's mom." "Listen, I'm fine, but I'm really worried about Jim." "He's not eating his kibble, and when I call his name his response is very, I don't know, ambivalent." "Mikey?" "Mikey?" "Hello?" "Jim, you talk to him." "It feels like the first time" "Mikey." "Feels like the very first time" "Are you there?" "You want some more eggs?" "No, thanks." "This is great." "They're not too dry, are they?" "I usually use a dollop of milk to make them fluffier but I was out of milk, so I used Cremora." " They're wonderfully fluffy." " Thanks." "Can you explain why I'm more nervous now than I was last night?" "I know." "It's weird." "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do." "Should I shower here or at home?" "Should I brush my teeth with my finger so you don't know I packed a toothbrush?" "I'm not going to the bathroom here." "Why not?" "I can crank up the boom box like last night." "Forget it." "You in a hurry to get home for any other reason?" "Because I'd love to spend the day with you." "Really?" "I'd love to spend the day with you too." "Here's the plan." "I'll take a walk around the block while you go to the bathroom and then you do the same for me." "Well, aren't you a gentleman." "Hi." "This is mike." "I can't come to the phone right now." "Please leave me a message." "Mikey, it's mom." "I didn't sleep well last night." "Very fitful." "But I don't want you to feel guilty." "It's probably just a little congestive heart failure." "Hey, do you know if they make a home version of those hospital defibrillators?" "You know, in case I flatline and you need to bring me back to life." " Come with me." " Something to keep in mind." "I'll shop around for something used." "Wait." "You're not just having sex with me because you're mad at your mom, are you?" " Is that a problem?" " No, not really."