"This is crazy." "I can't believe you've never played a video game before." "That's because I've got something called a real life." "Video games are a lot better than real life." "In video games, you can live out your fantasies like being a frog crossing a busy street." "If only." "It's time for you to learn about what you've been missing." "Great." "Run around a little." "Now you can steal that car and drive around in it." "This is stupid." "If you want to steal a car, why don't you go out and steal a real car?" "It's a game." "That's not the point." "Oh, shoot that guy." "Oh, yeah." "This is what it feels like to shoot a guy." "So true to life." "We should've started with a more realistic game." "Yeah, like something with dungeons." "Better get moving." "Cops are looking for me." "Oh, easy." "To get away from the cops, you just have to drive through three gold stars and then you'll..." "Where are you going?" "Oh." "you're looking good today, Glenn." "Yeah." "I'm rocking a new shirt." " Ooh." " Nice." "Well, you know, sometimes Glenn, uh, likes to come correct." "Hey, you forgot the tag." "No!" "Come on, man!" "I was gonna return this." "My bad." "I'm just dressed up because, uh, my girlfriend's coming." " You have a girlfriend?" " Are you holding out on us?" "God damn it, he's holding out on us." "Uh, I don't know." "Three weeks." "Three dates." "Her name's Janet." "What else haven't you told us?" "Is... is your name even Glenn?" "I think it's great, Glenn." "Congratulations." "Oh, hey, here she comes." "Be cool, guys." " Hey, criminal." " Hey, sweetie." "You know Chris and Josh." " Hi." " How'd you guys meet?" "Oh, I'm his parole officer." "So I'm legally required to talk to him and watch his penis as he urinates." "And one thing led to another." " To be young again." "Why don't you wrap things up and I'll see you over there?" " Sure, sweetie." " Okay." "You're dating your parole officer?" "What's that like?" "It's great." "I mean, she's wild." "I mean, really wild." "And aggressive." "She's kind of a bad influence." "It's like dating a dude." "Except, you know, she has boobs and there's... there's no junk down there." "Does she have friends?" "Glenn, are you sure that this relationship's the smart choice?" " I don't know." "It's court-ordered." "I don't have a choice." "Well, I shouldn't keep her waiting." "By law." "Hey, I don't know what you're doing tonight, but you're welcome to come over and check out my new pad." "You moved?" "Man, I just had to get out of that apartment." "Why?" "What was wrong with it?" "No." "I had to get out." "I got evicted." "What?" "How'd that happen?" "Well, the last few months have been tough." "You know, alimony." "I'm sorry." "Alimonies." "Frankly, I had to choose between rent and food." "And to be honest, it just felt like one of those food months." "But the new place is great." "You should come on by." "Well, here we are." "Please tell me you're kidding." "Actually, it's not so bad." "It's a short commute." "There's no rent." "Sleeping on a linoleum floor is surprisingly comfortable." "And as soon as I figure out how to disable net nanny on the computers, it'll really feel like home." "This is truly depressing." "Josh, I just wish I'd have thought of this years ago." "I got a lot of room." "Good light." "I can use the shower in the locker room." "Sometimes there's a fat kid in there I can make fun of." "For dinner, one of the cafeteria ladies sets me up with leftover food from lunch." "They were just gonna throw these away?" "Oh, they were thrown away." "Then they were unthrown away." "Hey, you should, uh, stick around a while." "We can watch a film strip." "I've got lifecycle of the paramecium and what is happening to my body?" "Spoiler alert:" "That one's a little racy." "Chris, you can't live like this." "Are you kidding?" "This place is great." "You haven't even met my janitor buddies yet." "Drazen and Milos." "Solid guys." "Very hostile towards people not from Serbia." "Anyway, so this is home." "Well, I'm glad you're happy here." "But are you sure this isn't a cry for help?" "Of course this is a cry for help!" "My life is spiraling out of control!" "I'm eating garbage!" "I'm showering with fat kids!" "Are you gonna make me beg?" "I guess I can ask my mom and dad." "Good!" "Done!" "Let's go!" "Do you have any idea how hard it is masturbating with Abraham Lincoln looking at you?" "So there's something I wanted to ask you guys." " You can't have a dog." " I don't want a dog." "What kind of a man doesn't like dogs?" "But you..." "I ju..." "I just want to see if my friend Chris can stay here for a while." "Just until he's back on his feet." "Here's an idea." "Why don't you get your own apartment?" "Then you can have sleepovers with as many of your loser friends as you want." "Maybe get that dog you're so weirdly ambivalent about." "Dad, I don't need the lecture on how to live my life right now." "Sure you do." "Hey, here's another thing." "Get a job." "You're a blowhard used to rejection." "You could do telemarketing." "Let's fix me later." "For now, I'm just seeing if my friend can crash." " There he is." "Look at him, guys." "He's all heartbroken and homeless." "What am I supposed to tell him?" "Let him in, dear." "It's 72 degrees out there." "He might be slightly too warm or too cool." "All right." " Thank you, Mr. Franklin." " Mm-hmm." "Uh, I know it's only $30, but I really feel like I ought to pay you something." "I'm not sure why this is damp." "Chris, you don't have to give us any money." "So did you look for work this week?" "After our weekend?" "No, I slept for two days." "Yeah." "I was still drunk when I reported to the gun range." "¶ boo boo ¶ whoops." "Janet, I'm having a great time with you, but, uh, I have to ask, do you think our relationship's gonna affect my parole?" "'Cause, uh, things are getting a little crazy." "What do you mean?" "Like when we got high off that soda can and then broke into the stadium?" "That happened?" "I don't remember any of that." "Hell yeah." "Whippets, right?" "That could definitely affect your parole." "But who's gonna tell?" "You?" "I'm not saying anything." "Glenn, I'm just a good girl who likes bad boys." "Well, that works for you." "You're a parole officer." "But, uh, things are getting a little scary on my end." "Nut up, Glenn." " What happens when we cross state lines to buy m-80s, huh?" "What if we get pulled over?" "Well, there's a good chance you're gonna go to jail." "But that's why we do this, Glenn!" "'Cause we love it!" "What about my urine test?" "Every time I hang out with you, the next morning, I'm peeing bong water!" "Don't worry about it, okay?" "I will handle it." "Now, do you want to stay here and work on job skills or go back to my place and fool around?" " Your place and fool around." " Yeah." "Josh, thank you for letting me stay here." "Hey, it's the least I can do." "I really appreciate it." "Every night around 2:00," "Drazen and Milos head behind the cafeteria, put on Serbian death metal, and shoot rats." "It's hard to sleep through." " Well, that won't happen here." " Thanks." "You're lucky." "Must be nice to live with a family." "Believe me, it's not that great." "They're always pointing out my flaws." "Telling me how to live my life." "Hey, what's your family like?" "Well, when I was 16, we all moved to Montana to join an end times cult." "Good people." "I was asked not to join." "I've read about that." "That cults don't let guys in so that the cult leader can have all the girls for himself." "No." "The leader was a woman." "And she wasn't attracted to me." "She said she wouldn't do me if I was the last man on earth, which according to her religion was actually pretty likely." "Haven't had much of a family life since then." "I read "family circus," but that's just not the same." "Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore." "You're part of our family now." "Well, it feels nice." "Thanks again." "I'm gonna get some sleep." "Good night, Chris." "Good night, Josh." "Let make some noise, people." "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Watching tv." "It's the history channel." "I'm a teacher." "That's clearly not the history channel." "What is this the history of?" "Topless pool parties?" "I'd like to know more about that." "Donde esta la playa nuda?" "Donde esta la playa nuda?" "Donde esta la playa nuda?" "What are you doing?" "Picking a new ring tone." "It's cats." "Yeah, why are you a teacher in the first place?" "You're bad at it." "I know I am." " And there's no money in it." " I'm hemorrhaging money." "That's why I'm here." "You know what you should look into?" "Factory work." "It's repetitive." "Brainless." "And you got tree trunks for legs." "You could stand on those all day." "You're right." "I am wasting these legs." "What are you guys laughing about?" "Oh, your dad's pointing out my flaws and telling me how to live my life." " Welcome to my world." " No, it's great." "I need this." "I could've skipped the whole part of my life where I tried to be a competitive rollerblader." " On those factory legs?" " I know." "Where were you in the late '80s, early '90s?" "I was dealing with this guy's flaws." "Well, if we're pointing out each other's flaws," "Chris, you're, uh, kind of a terrible roommate." "What the [Bleep]?" "Linda, this breakfast was magnificent." "Oh." "I mean, granted, before this," "I was literally eating garbage." "But this is a big step up from that." " He's a silver-tongued devil, isn't he?" "Chris, I really would like to discuss our living situation." "I can't have another night like last night." "I slept like a log." "Well, you kept me up most of the night." "I know you're used to living alone, but while you're staying here, you have to be more considerate." "Hey, hey, get off of Chris' back." "He's a good kid." "He prefers my cooking to garbage." "Yeah." "Okay, well, I'm off to work." "Me too." "School starts about now." "I'm not sure what time exactly." "But it's when the sun's about yea high." "Hey, come on.." "I'll give you a ride." "I want to come too." "Just for funsies." "Oh, great." "I'll fire up the chariot." "We're like the three musketeers." "Hey, saw you and, uh, Chris cuddling on the couch last night." "It's none of my business, but you really shouldn't give it up on the first night." "Make him work for it." "I'm gonna have some of that." "Yummy." "Hey, can we talk about something?" "Sure, Josh." "You can talk to me about anything." "I feel like my parents like you better than..." "Hold that thought." "Get on in here, you." "Shelly, this is Josh." "Josh, Shelly." "Hi, there." "You're leaving, right?" "Uh, Josh, can I talk to you real quick?" "Hey, we're gonna need the couch." "For what?" "I believe the polite term is "lovemaking."" "And I think she's gonna let me lovemake her in the dingus." " That couch is my bed." " Be cool." "I'd do it for you." "Where am I supposed to sleep?" "In here?" "Come on." "Be a buddy." "She's got a bad hip so we can't do it in the car." " Who is this woman?" " Shelly?" "She's that lunch lady I was telling you about." "Her husband can't get a boner anymore so we hook up a couple of times a month." "Come on, man." "She's married?" "I'm pretty sure they have an open relationship." "It's open enough." "Listen, I better get out there before she steals anything." "Don't watch us through the window." "Don't worry." "I wasn't planning to." "Actually, there's been a request that you do watch us." "You can shout out comments." "Just keep it respectful." "Chris and Shelly all night long." "On my parents' couch where I sleep." "It never stopped." "After like two hours, it got boring to watch." " Shelly the lunch lady?" " Oh, she's no lady." "I got to get Chris out of my house." "Janet's driving me crazy too, man." "She's always asking me to do crazy, effed up stuff." "Last night, we shot confiscated glocks into bales of counterfeit money in the nude." "I mean, I had fun." "But if I say no, she might report me." "You sound like Bobby brown and Whitney Houston." "Well, at least Bobby brown got to hear the bodyguard song every night." "This is too much for me to bear, man." "I got to get rid of Janet." "And I got to kick Chris out of my vaguely defined couch area immediately." "Wwbbd?" "What would Bobby brown do?" "He said he was almost finished." "I thought he meant with the sports section." "So I reached under the stall and that's when the highway patrol shows up." "How come no one called me for dinner?" "I'm sorry, Josh we forgot all about you." "Have a seat." "There's no chairs." "Oh, uh, have a seat on the footstool." "Well, I'm glad that everybody's gathered here because I have something that I want to say." "What is it, little man?" "I understand the value of friendship." "But friendship's a two-way street." "Chris, I'm really proud that I was able to help you in your time of need, but it's time for you to move on." "You can't kick him out." "I'm helping him turn his life around." "Yeah." "Well, the couch isn't big enough for both of us so one of us has to go." "Hmm." "Let's put it to a vote." "We're not voting." "I'm your son." "Plus, I was here first." "I have an idea." "You get on opposite sides of the room." "Both of you call my name and we'll see who I go to." "I'm not doing that." "I think that's the only fair way." "And, Josh, don't hide treats in your pockets." "That's cheating." "I say they play rock, paper, scissors." "Except with real rocks and scissors." "It's a different game." "Bloodier." "Okay, fine." "I'll go." "I know when I'm not wanted." "Josh, wait." "I can't let you leave like this." "You're welcome to stay in my old place." "But whatever you do, don't eat any of the cheese in the classroom." "Drazen and Milos use that to lure the rats." "Okay." "So then things got really interesting when the highway patrolman started asking for the sports section." " Josh, wake up." " Oh, I wasn't sleeping." "Oh, Drazen and Milos have their gold tracksuits on." "That usually means they're going all night." "Okay, they're taking a break to march around." "Josh, I need your help." "You need to get me out of that house." "You need to come home." "Why?" "I thought you were one, big, happy family." "No, it hasn't been the same since you left." "At first, I enjoyed Carl telling me what to do with my life." "I mean, I love good advice." "And I love to nod approvingly at it." "But I'm not gonna follow the advice." "That would be a pain in the nads." "I'm the same way." "And I know your dad misses you." "No, no." "Sometimes when he yells at me, he calls me "josh."" " He does?" " Of course he does." "You're his son." "Thanks." "Thanks for telling me that." "Oh, crap." "They're reloading." "Okay, stay low and run as fast as you can." "Hey, Chris!" "I thought of eight more things you ought to be doing to fix your screwed-up life." "I'm sure they're great." "And I look forward to nodding at all of them." "But first, I've got one piece of advice for you." "Reconcile with this guy." "I'm grateful you invited me into your family and made me feel like one of your own." "Oh, well, you've been like a breath of fresh air." "But as much as I wish it were otherwise, you don't get to choose who's in your family." "You're stuck with whoever you're related to, no matter how annoying they may be, like Josh." "Hey." "There's got to be a loophole." "I could rig a paternity test." "I'm afraid not." "It's one of the difficult parts of being human." "Like facing your mortality or accidentally getting a boner while delivering an impassioned speech about family." "Whether you like it or not, we all know Josh belongs here." "I don't like it." "But, you know, you're right." "E home." " Dad." " No." "That wasn't a signal to hug me." "When I want you to hug me, I'll go like this." "I'll give you a hug, sweetie." "Well, it's time for this lone wolf to move on and find a new..." "Wherever the hell wolves like to go to." "I saw a couple places in the apartment finder" "I might be able to afford." "But I'm gonna need that $30 back." "Hey, it's still damp." "Would you like some breakfast, sweetie?" "Sure." "Thanks, mom." "Did you notice what Chris had in his hand?" "He had a magazine that showed available apartments." "Fascinating." "You should give that a read." "I mean, seriously!" "Some of those places had same-day move-in." "That means you could leave today." "I could get my living room back." "It's good to be home." "I just think I need a new parole officer, you know?" "I think this is a conflict of interest." "You're damn right it's a conflict of interest." "Key word "interest." This keeps it interesting." "If you're not feeling it..." "We'll always have a connection through the blind scales of lady justice." "That's not good enough, Glenn." "I just would hate to see you alone in a cell serving three to five." "If I break up with you, you're gonna turn me in?" "No, I won't turn you in." "You just take your urine test with some other parole officer and see what happens." "Or you can stay with me, do it my way." "Well, it beats prison and no girlfriend." "Yeah." "Or prison and being somebody's girlfriend." "Am I right?" "You done in there?" "Here you go." "Good thing I do background checks." "This kid's got the urine of a baby." "I don't ever want to do that again." "You're in this, Josh." "You keep your mouth shut." "Keep pissing liquid gold!" "Thanks, Josh." "You're one of the good ones!" "Want to get busy in a courthouse bathroom?" " You're insane." " Yes, I am!"