" I'm the devil." " Aah!" "My parents sold my soul to the devil." " You didn't tell Andi?" " No!" "I'm not gonna tell Andi." "If she knows, she'll think I'm a freak." "She'll never go out with me." "You can make her go out with you, Damien." " Do I have to go to hell now?" " No, no, no, no, not now." "You're just going to bring escaped souls back to hell." "That's cool, right?" "And how am I supposed to capture them?" "This will help... a vessel handcrafted in the bowels of perdition by the iniquitous and the vile." "That'll work." "Word of caution..." "I don't accept failure." "The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle." "You must be a real moron." "All right." "I'll do it." "I'll do it." "I'll open it." "Way too early for this." "Morning, Linda Blair." "Hilarious." "Can you do that?" "What?" "Can you turn your head all the way around?" " Sock, I'm not possessed." " Yeah." "Ok." "My parents sold my soul to the devil and I'm a bounty hunter for hell." " Totally different." "Have you even tried to turn your head all the way around?" "Yeah, it totally doesn't work." "What is that?" "What?" "That." "I don't know." "Like static electricity or something." "Ow!" "Sock." "Are we done?" "Are we done?" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "All right." "We're done." "So, what, you didn't open the box yet?" "No." "You don't want to know what the devil gave you?" "I know what he gave me..." "another vessel to capture souls." "Who have escaped from hell." "Yeah." "Sock, we almost died the last time, ok?" "And somebody ended up hospitalized." "Don't you understand what's going on here?" "You've finally found the one thing you're good at." "You sent an escaped soul back to hell and you kicked ass..." "we kicked ass!" "I'm good at stuff, ok?" "Other stuff." "Right?" "Yeah, you do rock the house on guitar hero." "That's what I'm talking about." "Just let me open the box." "No, you can't open the box." "It's at my house." "What, are you kidding me?" "It's right there." "I can't believe it." "It's stalking me!" "Oh." "Ok." "I get it." "Yeah." "What?" "I know exactly what to do." "So, just... me and you are here in the woods, Sammy, huh?" "Have a little picnic." "It'll be nice!" "Won't it be nice, Sammy?" "Let's just find a little comfy spot in the shade where we can lay down a lay down a blanket, smoke a bowl, make out all afternoon." "How about that?" "Sound good?" "Sounds good to me." " What..." " Shut up." "So we're just gonna..." " Let's go get some..." " Go, go, go." "Go, go, go, go." "Go." "Inside." "Come on." "Come on." "Door's locked." "Be cool, man." "Go, go, go, go, go!" " It worked." " Of course it worked." "Oh, my god." "Sam, I'm in love with this box." "Just one quickie?" "Can we do it one more time?" "One more time." "*Na tell a little story* *about the ones I left and left me* *you know if you're one* *'cause you know what you done* *whoa, oh* *get out of my way, away, oh*" "*first you kissed me, then you killed me* *get out of my...*" " Hey, where's the truck going?" " Delaware." "I approve." "Good." "You're an idiot, Sam." "The devil's gonna kill you when he finds out." "Well, I hope he won't find out." "Well, isn't he all-knowing and everything?" "Ben... can you find Delaware on a map?" "Well, you make an excellent point." "Aww, damn it with these stupid blackouts already." "Aah!" " You ok, Sam?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm fine." "It's ok, buddy." "I'm afraid of the dark, too." " Sock, I'm right here." " Yeah, I know." "Oh, cool." "You and I are on cart duty all week." "Uh, great." "Yeah, it is great." "This is my favorite job here." "Wandering the neighborhood collecting lost shopping carts?" "That's your favorite job?" "Sam." "The last time I did this shift, I saw 5 movies in one week." "I mean, as long as I brought a cart back a day, my job was done." "But what if you don't find any carts?" "Well, that's why I keep 3 shopping carts in my mom's backyard at all times." "You've mastered the art of not working better than anybody I've ever met." "I know." "It's a gift." "Really." "Ha ha." "Listen, this is gonna be great." "I mean, we'll go see some movies." "We'll go out to lunch." "I mean, it'll be fun." "Yeah." "It will." " Ready?" " Yeah." "A little less show, a little more aim, please?" "Sorry, buddy." "I'm all about the show." "It's in the old DNA." "Know what I mean?" "So it's official, huh?" "You and Andi, honey mooning all week?" "Yeah, I know." "How great is that, right?" "A week of dates with Andi and I didn't have to ask her out!" "Open the vessel, Sammy." "You got a job to do." "Yo, heads up!" "Customer services." "Customer down, aisle 9." "Customer down, aisle 9." "Oh, no." "Ok." "You have broken the most cardinal rule here at the bench." "A bloodied customer is not a happy customer." "Ted, it was an accident." " I'm really, really sorry." " The question is..." "What is the appropriate punishment?" "Well, if you wanted to be really mean, you know, you could... make us work here." "Wear ugly blue aprons day and night." "That would suck." "Speaking of nights, you two are on the night shift until further notice." "What?" "No." "No." "No." "Sam, yes... this is a great deal." "It's a great deal." "And how do you figure that, Wysocki?" "Well, it's just that normally," "I reserve the nights for sleeping, and now you have me working nights." "So essentially, you're paying me to sleep, which I think is really decent of you." "Oh, there will be no sleeping." "You will be expected to inventory the entire store." "That's over 2 million items that need to be counted, labeled, and properly shelved." "You will not be off the night shift until your task is completed, which will probably take you about, oh, a year." "Well, that screws cart duty with Andi." "Inventory." "I'll give him inventory." "That little piece of dick." "I hate him." "I hate him!" "His stupid, little haircut and his dumb grin and his little, weird eye." " Which one is weird?" " Both of them!" "Sock, are you all right?" "Hulk need to smash?" "Stupid Ted!" "Work bench!" "Jessica Alba." "What's with Jessica Alba?" "She thinks she's too good for me." "Really?" "Are you good?" "Get the anger out?" "Still got a little taste." " Just a little." " I anticipated that." "That is beautiful craftsmanship." " You good?" " Rock and roll." "Let's go." "What's for dinner?" "Look... if you come in, do not mention the devil." "My mom doesn't think I'm working for him anymore." "What?" "Why does she think that?" "Because I..." "I implied it." " You lied." " Yes, I lied." "Good." "Good, good." "She felt guilty and I had to let her off the hook, and my dad wants us to keep her in the dark." "Say no more." "It's a good plan." " I mean, I know it sounds lame." " No, it doesn't sound lame." "She's going to find out anyway." "Listen, Sam, in my experience, lying is always a great idea, ok?" "She's gonna find out the truth, isn't she?" "Not from me, she's not." "I will keep your secret, buddy, all right?" "You got nothing to worry about." "Ok." "So, how was work today, boys?" "Everything is totally normal at the bench." "The old bench, you know." "Nothing weird or demonic going on." "If anybody else says anything different, they are lying liars, ok?" " Great job, man." " Thank you." "You got a delivery today, Sam." "I did?" "This was left at the front door." "What is that?" "Um...that... ok." "Well, Linda, actually, that's..." "That's mine." "That is mine." "It's a project I'm doing for school." "You're not in school, Bert." "I know." "Yeah." "Bert, now I am going to look you in the eye and I'm going to ask you to tell me the truth." "Does that box belong to you?" "I gotta go." "I'll see ya tomorrow, Sam." "Thank you for dinner." "Ok, I need one of you to tell me the truth." "Mom." "Mom, everything is fine." "Fine." "I'm ok." "Whatever." "Eat some cake." "Ok, then." "Isn't nature magnificent?" "Beautiful." "Angry." "Soothing." "Merciless." "It's perfection, don't you think?" "Gotta give whatshisface credit." "Well, what is this?" "Do you have to keep transporting me places?" "Obviously I do, since my earlier nudge to get you working gleaned zero results." "You know, I'm very disappointed." "You have the vessel." "Open the box." "There are souls out there wreaking havoc." "Well, I've been busy." "I have another job, you know." "Have you noticed the blackouts around town?" "And what do you think of those shocks" " you've been getting?" " They're annoying." "No, they're my gifts to you." "It's a tool to help you find our escaped soul." "Yeah, you know, I've been thinking about that, and I don't think I'm the guy who should be taking on the forces of evil." "No?" "I know y own my soul and all, but I think the world would be better off if I worked for you in a lesser capacity." "Such as?" "Well..." "I haven't come up with the full plan or anything, but maybe I could get the word out." "You know, like a recruiter." "I could start my own satanic web site with evil design and then have really cool devil" " graphics or something and..." " Business is booming, Sam." "I don't need any help with recruiting." "I need help putting the damned back into hell where they belong." "Is this about you being afraid?" "No." "Yes." "Very much yes." "Well, then, I have words of wisdom that apply to your condition." "If you find yourself facing a steep, uphill, bloody battle, there are only 2 choices you can make." "Quit, or put one foot in front of the other and tough it out." "Inspiring, huh?" "And if I don't tough it out?" "That lightning strike just killed Penny Kilarski." "A very talented doctor." "She ran a hospital here in town." "She was the coach of her little girl's soccer team." "A good woman." "You gotta do your job, Sammy." "You ignore it, nice folks die." "And I know you don't want that." "Do you?" "Huh." "Cool." "Hey, Sammy." " Hi." "Hi, dad." " What's going on?" "Come with me, will you?" "This is for you, Sam." "The car?" "Just think of it as a belated birthday present." "I figured, you dinged up your car last week and, well, it was time for a new one anyway, so..." "The color good?" "Yeah, yeah." "It's great." "Good." "Oh, and it's a hybrid, so, environmental and all that." "Right." "Thank you." "Um..." "So you're pretty much trying to buy me off, right?" "What?" "No!" "Yes." "Dad, look," "I was thinking maybe lying to mom isn't" " the best way to go here." " It's not lying, exactly." "I mean, I don't understand why you can't just tell her the truth." "Mom, hey, I'm working for the devil." "Besides, I think she suspects something anyway." "But she's not sure, Sam, and that little bit of doubt is enough for her." "She doesn't want to know the truth." "She can't handle it." "She's too fragile." "Look, I know it's a lot to ask, but please, can you just keep up the lie?" "For her." "Yeah, yeah." "We'll keep it up." "We'll keep it up." "Thank you." "My soul gets sold to the devil." "I get 42 miles to the gallon." "Sounds like a good deal to me." "I think it's a chick car." "How do you capture a soul with it?" "I don't know." "Maybe you drive it into the guy, right?" "Yeah, that sounds good." "Well, did the devil give you instructions?" "A manual?" "Anything?" "No, the devil just pretty much sets me up for failure." "Yeah, well, he is the devil." "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!" "We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!" " Damn it." " What?" "The soul's at it again." "So what does that mean?" " Every time there's a blackout..." " ...an angel gets its wings." "Or somebody gets hit by lightning, which is... it's terrible." "Well, shouldn't we do something about it?" "There's not much we can do." "We don't know where he is." "Oh!" "God!" "I can't count these." "I'll get electrocuted." "2,465." "Hey, I want an accurate inventory this year." "Not just writing down random numbers, Bert." "Settle down, Ted." "We're going to be completely professional, all right?" "Yeah, that's airtight." "I'm taking these generators down to Armstrong Hospital." "Th lost their power or something." "Paid twice what they're worth." "Uh..." "lost power." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Um, Ted, you know what?" "We can take 'em." "What?" "Yeah." "Yes." "We will take them." " Really?" " Really." "Abso-smurfly." "This is all related to the soul?" "You guys from the work bench?" " Yes." " Oh, thank god." "Our backup generators didn't kick in." "But why is this all happening?" "Got struck by lightning." "Twice." "The soul must've struck the hospital with lightning." " Why?" " Look." "What's it say?" "I don't know." "Sam!" "Are you ok?" "You need a doctor." "Dr. Jager, Dr. Cuervo, Dr. Captain Morgan." "He has two titles." " How do you feel?" " Kinda crispy." "Excuse me." "Um, excuse me." "Can I..." "Can I borrow that for a second?" " Screw you." " Can I?" "Yeah, ok." " How did you do that?" " It's the hair." " What are you doing?" " That sign." "It's like they covered it up or something." "Ok." "Armstrong Medical Hospital, formerly known as the Arthur Ferrey medical wing." " Why'd they change it?" " Looks like he got arrested." "You found all that out just right now?" "I..." "I would... it..." "You made any long distance calls," " I'm coming back to kill you." " Oh, my god." "You are a very, very hostile young lady." "Do you know that?" "Can I have your number?" "Can he have your phone number?" "I got to go back to the work bench." "No, you do not." "Sit down and drink." "Ted needs the inventory." "Somebody's got to do it." "Fine." "You." "Turning now to the weather, if you have any outdoor plans, things are looking pretty good for the next couple of days." "Current conditions right now..." "We have mostly sunny skies..." "Oh, you're probably gonna want to wait a minute, let it breathe, so to speak." "What are you doing here?" "My mom is home." "You know, Sam, you're one lucky man." "You're home during the day, all the wonderful daytime television to watch." "When does Ellen come on?" "No." "Hold on." "Is Arthur Ferrey the escaped soul?" "What do you think?" "Well, I think I saw him last night." "And what's with hitting people with lighting?" "Well, I don't think that that's being done on purpose." "You know, Sam, you have to stop trying to assign logic to these souls." "Usually when they get out, you know, they're just angry." "He was electrocuted in hell every day that he was down there." "That's the kind of a thing that makes a person crazy." "That's what I do best." "All right." "Listen." "You got to get out of here." "My mom is gonna freak out." "Are you having problems at home, Sammy?" " You are my problem." " No, no, Sam." "To be fair, you're the problem." "You lied to your mother, and lying never solves anything." " Sam?" " Yeah, mom?" "Yes?" " Hey." " Hey." "Who were you talking to?" "Uh, I was talking to me, to myself." "I do that sometimes." "Oh." "Ok." "So, what's all this?" "Uh, that was a crazy work thing." "There was a fire, a small, small fire, and I fought it, and it was gone." "How are you?" "You can tell me anything." "You know that." "I do know that." "Yep." "I love our chats." "I love you, mom." "Till count, Andi?" "I'm sorry, Ted." "You know what?" "I'm 8 bucks off." "I counted 4 times." "Oh, that's not good, is it?" "Well, it's not really my fault." "I haven't been on this register all day." "Yet you remain the responsible part." "Oh, come on." "I'll pay for it, Ted." "No, Sam." "You are not buying her incompetence." "She is." "Any more lip from you, and you will find yourself on the night shift." "Am I clear?" "You know what, Ted?" "You caught me." "I stole the 8 bucks." " I see." " Yep." "I was saving to buy you a girlfriend." "I assume you're ok with the plastic variety." "Oh, I get it." "Make me put you on night shift so you can be reunited with your little friend here." "Well, no." "You stay on days." "When are you gonna learn, you can't outfox the fox, guys?" " I tried." " Yes, you did." " Hey Andi, you ready?" " Yeah." " Hey, Sam." " Hey." "All right." "I'm just gonna turn this in." "Ok." "Oh, wait." "Josie..." "You work for the D.A." "Have you heard of an Arthur Ferrey?" "Of course." "Everyone has." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Not really." "God, please read the news once in a while." "He was this energy trader who got caught stealing electricity and selling it to other states." "There were rolling blackouts." "People died." "My boss was gonna prosecute him, but he died before trial." "What's this about, Sam?" "Oh, just... you know me... catching up on current events." "That was two years ago." "Yeah." "I know." "I know." "Welly, welly, welly, well, look who's stalking me now." "Andi and I are going to the movies, and you're not invited." "Oh, that is quite the bag o' batteries you got there, Josie." "Feeling a little lonely these days?" "We're having blackouts, jackass." "They're for my flashlight." "And if I was lonely for you," "I'd just get a pencil." "Oh, that's what they all say, sweetheart." "Wait." "Wait, wait." "Tell Andi I'll be in the car." "Wait." "That's... what she is insinuating is that..." " And it's not..." " It's ok." "It's ok." "It's ok." "Come on." "You know, I think I figured this guy out." "He's just pissed off people are taking" " his name off of buildings." " Nice." "You know, maybe donating money was the only" " good thing the guy ever did." " Sweet." "Can I try now?" "Sam, I think I found him." "Power outages have affected a large area." " That's him." "Let's go." " No." "Wait." "First, we got to protect ourselves." "Sporting goods." "Hoods." " I feel like a giant condom." " Let's do this." "What's he doing?" "I think he's fueling up for a lightning strike." "There's nobody up here to kill." "Except us." "Point taken." "No." "I don't think he's here to strike us." "I think he's here to take out the whole dam." "You ready to rock?" "Ready as I'll ever be." "We'll attack from the rear." "With any luck, he won't know what hit him." "So, that happened." "Who are you?" "I'm the devil's bounty hunter, and I'm here to send your ass back" " to hell where you belong." " Nice bluff." "The devil has a boun hunter?" "You want to do this the easy way or the hard way, huh?" " Come on!" "Come on!" " Ok." "Don't oversell it." "God, we're gonna die dressed as condoms." " That's the truth." " And I'm not alone." "Uh, guys?" "I'm not alone, guys!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yeah." "We're alive." "We're not dead." "He got away, but we made it." "Are you crazy?" "The vessel was broken." "What were you thinking?" "I don't know." "We dressed up like idiots for nothing." "I don't look like an idiot." "No." "You don't." "You look good." "We look good." "Look at that badass." "What are you talking about?" "You, man." "You..." "The way you faced off with that soul." ""Are we gonna do this hard or easy?"" "Ooh, I got chills, seriously." "Well, I don't know what story you got, but the guy got away." "Well, but the important thing is you owned it." "Oh, you're beginning to get the hang of this." "Oh, now, that doesn't look too good, Sammy." "Didn't you ever do model kits when you were a kid?" " Probably not." " Yeah." "Well, I need a new one." "Well, now that could be a problem." "There are a lot of forms to fill out." "Usually takes 3 weeks to fill a vessel request." "Well, how am I supposed to capture him?" "Ah, I think you'll figure it out." "I'm not worried about it at all." "Oh, one other little thing." "You sort of tipped off that soul you're trying to capture, and he's sort of after you now." "Just a heads up." "All right, so what should we do?" "We hunker down, cowboy up, and fight the bastard till he's back in hell, where he belongs." "Or we could run like little girls." "That's my vote." "Is that bad?" "Is that bad?" "Had to be a hybrid." "Take to the store!" "Back to the store!" "Sammy, come on!" "Come on!" "I take it back." "Your car is definitely not a chick car." "And it's trying to kill us." "I know." "That's what I'm saying." "Hey, phone is out." "I can't open the doors, and I think the security locks are shorted out." "We're trapped." "All right." "It's fixed." " What is that?" " It's the truck." " Oh, yeah." "Nice job." " Will it work?" " Let's find out." " Yeah." "All right." " Did you hear that?" " Yes." "He's gotten inside." "That said, how are we supposed to use the vessel if we can't see him?" "I don't know." "I'm hit!" "I don't want to die at the bench." "Pull it out." "Pull it out." "Pull it out!" "Pull it out." " Why are you laughing?" " I'm sorry." "Cut it out because you're making me mad, ok?" "He can't help it." "Sock laughs when he gets nervous." "He can't control it." "Sock!" "Stop!" "It's gonna be ok, ok?" " All right." "All right." " Ok, ok." " Sam, wait, wait, wait." " Oh, pull!" "I'm sorry I dragged you guys into this." " Hey, it's ok, Sam." " No, it's not." "The devil said it was up to me." "I'm the one in hell." "I'm the one that has to keep going." "Hey, maybe it's the blood loss, but I'm not following you." "I'll be right back, ok?" "Hey, you need the vessel." "No." "I'm not gonna need that." "What do you think he's gonna do?" "Coming out!" "Arthur Ferrey!" "You're not sending me back!" "You can't keep killing innocent people!" "They took away my name." "They took away every good thing I ever did." "No, they didn't." "You did it to yourself." "You destroyed people's lives." "Everyone will pay, and you can't stop me." "What's that?" "I believe it's called a lightning rod." "Oh, god..." "I did it." "I did it." "I did it." "I did it." "Well, hello." "We meet again, Gladys." "Place the vessel on the mat." "What's it like working in the portal to hell, huh?" "Must be a lot of wack jobs, a lot of weirdos." "This isn't the entire vessel." " Oh, yes." " Oh, right." "Got some vessel in the old pockets." "The fact that you two haven't been killed yet astonishes me." "All right." "Well, thanks, Gladys." "That's mine." "You got to be kidding me." "Here we go." "You wrecked the new car already?" "It's not wrecked, just the window." " I can't believe this." " Ok." "What is wrong?" "Mom, I just want you to know" "I would never treat a car the way Sam does." "I would never just throw away such a generous gift, you know, if I should be so lucky to get one." "Thank you, Kyle." "That's very nice." "I'm sure if you ask Sam nicely, every once in a while, he'd be happy to give you a ride." "If you say please." "Say pretty please." "You should try not to torture your brother." "Yeah." "No." "I..." "Mom, look." "I..." "I've been working for the devil as a bounty hunter for souls that get out of hell, and I lied to you because I thought that that's what you'd want to hear, and I'm really sorry." "Sam, I just wanted to hear the truth." "That's it." " Thank you for telling me." " Ok." "I think we've all lived with this secret for far too long, and that's probably the good that's going to come out of this whole thing..." " No more secrets." " No more secrets." "Except let's not tell your brother." "Definitely." "I am so very, very disappointed in you, Sam." "I gave you responsibility." "I gave you a task, and this is how you repay my confidence?" "I'm sorry." "So, can you offer me a plausible explanation as to why the store looks like a bomb went off?" "Not really." "So, you'll stand by Bert Wysocki's assertion that you were attacked by ninjas last night." "I think sometimes..." "Bert has really vivid dreams when he's awake, and I think that that was probably..." "Sam, the secret to success is to be ready when an opportunity presents itself." "Yeah, that's what that says right..." "What I'm trying to say is that you've reached a new low." "What do you want me to do about that?" " Fire me." " Or I could teach you... which is exactly what I intend to do." "Little perspiration might do you some good, some dirt under the nails, you're off the midnight shift onto garbage duty." " Ok." " Yep." "You missed a candy wrapper." "Oh, come on, Sammy." "Turn that frown upside down." "You're a hero, man." "You put a soul in hell." "How does that feel, huh?" "Pure, unadulterated satisfaction." "All the money and in the world can't compare." "What's so satisfying about it?" "I'm banished to garbage duty, and I've got two jobs I hate." "Well, truth is," "I've already done you a solid." "I've been meddling with Ted's schedule, and I got you off the garbage duty." "Happy?" "Garden center." "Great." "Thanks to you," "I get to shovel manure for the next 10 hours." "Oh, that's the bitter wit I love." "Sock it to me, Sammy." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I got in trouble." "What happened?" "Me and Ted got into an argument, and I allegedly hit him in the back of the head with a pint of latex paint." "Andi..." "What?" "Allegedly." "There were no witnesses." "Well, that's probably why he didn't press charges." "Yeah." "Well..." "At least we're in hell together, right?" "What?" "Hell, you know?" "This sucks?" "Oh, yes." "Right."