"It's 3:45, Ray." "These pants are too big." "What's the story here?" "You got to clamp them." "Here, turn around." "clamp them?" "Yeah." "Adjust it like that." "Well." "What?" "Here's your problem, you've got no rear end." "Yeah." "God, I married Gumby." "Yeah." "That's okay, though... because as a couple, we average at normal size!" "Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long island with my wife, Debra... my 6-year-oId daughter and twin 2-year-oId boys." "My parents..." "live across the street." "That's right." "And my brother lives with them." "Now, not every family will defy gravity for you... but mine would, because" "Everybody loves Raymond." "Hey, you didn't...." "And by the way, the collar goes over the bow tie." "It does?" "Yes, and the cuff links face out." "God." "This is like dressing a chimp." "How did you ever get ready for our wedding?" "Mommy." "Oh, that's right." "I had blocked out the fact that you were 30 and still living at home." "Twenty-nine." "Yeah, whatever." "By the way, I'm not dancing at this thing, okay?" "So don't even ask." "Come on!" "I want to dance with you!" "No." "When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys." "Yes, but if you dance with me, then you can look for my keys." "No." "Sorry, no." "You are so unromantic!" "Well, you know I don't like dancing." "You know I do like dancing." "Then why did you marry me?" "Well?" "I'm thinking." "Okay." "Okay, all right, coming." "Hey, Ray!" "Whoa." "No." "I told you the Knicks would win." "What do you got to eat?" "It's Tuesday." "Manicotti, right?" "No, Kevin!" "No, you're not hungry." "You guys gotta get out of here." "You wanna go to the track?" "No." "Come on, that horse is running, I know the trainer." "Yeah." "That doesn't mean he's gonna win." "Yeah, but we can feed him after." "You hold your hand fIat" "Guys, please." "Come on, you gotta leave, all right?" "You got to." "Debra's coming over." "Debra." "I don't know how you got so lucky." "I don't either, and I don't need to draw her attention to it, okay?" "Come on." "She's hot, you know?" "Yeah, I know." "No, I mean, she's really hot." "I know that, Kevin." "She is hot." "You know, the guys at work" "All right, guys!" "I know she's hot!" "Did you tell her Newsday promoted you to a columnist?" "I'm doing that tonight." "Come on!" "Hey, what's the story on the Jell-O?" "It's to go." "You've got to take it out." "We just got here." "Come on, I'm asking her to marry me." "Tonight?" "Yeah." "Yes, I just got the job so I'm asking her." "You're asking Debra to marry you tonight?" "Yes." "What's she gonna say?" "She's gonna say, "Why are Kevin and Andy here?"" "Come on, guys, you gotta go." "Where do we go?" "This is all so sudden." "congratulations." "Yeah, thanks." "Hi, guys." "Hi." "What's wrong with them?" "They wanted Jell-O, and it's not for them." "I told them." "Guess what?" "Carrots instead of potato chips." "Fatty, huh?" "It's muscle." "Hi, fatty." "Hi, little heinie." "Here, that's for you." "Well, no, wait." "I told you to get one of your romantic, mushy movies you always like to see." "Yeah, but you love this one." "We'll see mine next week." "It's Planet of the Apes." "Yeah, but didn't you say that was a classic?" "Monkeys riding horses." "Yeah, I mean, it's classic... but, I don't know, you gotta be like in the mood for it." "Why don't we just sit?" "I'll sit over here." "And we'll just...." "You know what we'll do?" "We'll eat some carrot sticks... and we'll talk." "Ray, I told you, I'm not having sex on your mom's plastic couch." "But I don't want...." "No, I don't want sex, all right?" "I want a carrot, that's all." "Okay, we'll go to your room." "Come on." "What?" "No, wait." "No!" "What do you mean no?" "No, I mean, no for now." "Yes, in a few minutes." "What do you want?" "All right, just sit down." "Sit down." "Something happened." "I want to show you something." "This is the early edition of tomorrow's Newsday... and I wanted to show you something before anybody else knows about it." "What happened?" "Did you do something illegal?" "No." "There's this great column." "I want you to read it." "It's from this new guy." "Here it is." "He's a great writer... even though he is a little weird-Iooking." "Look at his picture." "Yeah, he's weird-Iooking." "Oh, my God!" "God, when did this happen?" "It happened Monday." "I didn't even tell my family yet." "I wanted you to be the first to see it." ""More than a game by Raymond Barone."" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, Ray!" "I'm so happy for you." "Whoops!" "Sorry." "You guys finishing up or just starting?" "Dad!" "Come on, what are you doing back here?" "relax, Romeo, I forgot my driving glasses." "I would have kept going, but your mother thinks I hit a deer." "Ray, tell your dad." "No, not now." "What, did you break something?" "No." "Look, Frank." "Wait, what is it?" "Hey, it's you." "Yeah, it's his column." "He's a columnist." "holy crap." "A columnist?" "But Newsday is like a real paper." "Yeah, well, I guess I slipped through the cracks." "Wait, I wanna read this." "It's not every day a son of mine amounts to something." "Dad, please, come on, Mom's waiting for you in the car now." "She's fine." "I cracked the window." "Dad, please, give it to me." "As a boy, sports was the only way I couId connect with my father." "The first game he took me to was at Yankee Stadium when I was eight." "Bobby Murcer homered in the ninth to win it." "I thought nothing could be more thrilling." "Then on the ride home, my father talked to me." "He listened." "He shared his passion for sports with me." "I Iove sports for many reasons now... but I have to say that what drew me to the games as a young boy..." ""was the ride home."" "What, are you saying I didn't talk to you?" "What is this?" "Is that what you're saying?" "That's not what I'm saying." "Now, please, don't read any more." "Frank, I'm in the car." "What are you doing reading the newspaper?" "He's reading Ray's column." "Yeah, I'm reading about how terrible I was." "Ray's column?" "Your son is the new sports columnist for Newsday." "Okay, Mom." "I knew you'd do it." "You're a writer." "I told you he was smart." "Let me see that." "Hey, Iet go." "It's about me." "Dad, will you please give me the newspaper?" "I didn't connect with you?" "Dad, you're not...." "Give it to me, Dad." "I'm trying to connect with you." "Get away from me." "You're not supposed to read it." "What are you afraid of?" "I'm finishing this!" "I'm hoping sports will bring me closer to someone else in my Iife." "The person who will be sitting next to me reading this." ""Debra, will you marry me?"" "For that last part, he was supposed to be down on one knee." "Honey." "Dad, what did you do?" "What's going on?" "Raymond just asked Debra to marry him." "Well, technically." "And?" "And...." "Yes!" "congratulations to you both." "Thank you." "I'm so pleased." "And Raymond got his own column today." "And his picture in the paper." "Look at him." "I can't believe it!" "Read your column." "Yeah?" "Pretty good." "The stuff about Dad and the ride home." "Yeah, thanks." "You know, I was there, too." "Yeah, I know." "I know, I was going to mention you, but the column's so" "No." "Anyway, congratulations on the column." "And the engagement." "Thanks." "I was wondering... if you wanted to be best man and all?" "Me?" "Yeah." "That would be an honor." "Good, 'cause you're definitely in the running." "I'm kidding." "It's you." "So, it's me?" "It's you." "You're in." "You're kidding around." "You're in." "Good." "Best man, yeah." "That'll be good, best man." "That was crazy." "Wasn't that crazy last night?" "God, I couldn't even give Debra the ring." "Why don't you have Dad give it to her?" "Yeah, I get it." "I can't believe you proposed in front all of them." "Wait a minute." "What?" "What if she wanted to say no?" "What do you mean?" "She was in front of the whole family." "She had to say yes." "Come on." "plus, I put it in the paper." "Oh, no, why did I do that?" "She couldn't say no." "Oh, my God." "I am a jackass." "I think you're supposed to put the accent on the "jack."" "Oh, God, what did I do?" "I'm like one of those losers at the ball game that rents a blimp." ""Marry me, HiIda." Yeah." "HiIda can't say no." "They'll throw beer on her." "would you stop, okay?" "Think about it." "Really." "She's hot, right?" "Yeah, you know, the guys at the precinct" "Okay." "So why me?" "I mean...." "Well, look at me." "Look at me, man." "I mean, from the front, all right, I'm okay." "I can get by from the front." "But look at my profile." "I'm a flamingo." "Everybody thinks I'm the weird one." "No, you know I'm right." "Raymond, calm down, okay?" "Let's look at the facts, all right?" "She comes over, right away you get a kiss." "always." "Well, so...." "I get that from Mom." "That must be nice, too." "How about when Debra's sitting next to you, right?" "She always has to be right up against you." "holding your hand, playing with your hair." "You both make me sick." "You know why she wants to marry you, Raymond?" "Because she loves you." "That's why she said yes." "Maybe." "Where are you going?" "I've gotta give her another chance to say no." "flamingo." "Yeah." "So?" "You feel different?" "Why?" "Do you feel different?" "Of course." "What?" "Like doomed?" "Yes, exactly like that." "Listen." "Last night, when my father asked you to marry me... and you said yes to my mother..." "I'm wondering if maybe...." "What?" "Well, Iike maybe you felt pressured." "Like you were at a ballpark." "What?" "All right, Iet me ask you again." "Okay, nobody's here." "You can say whatever you want." "Do you really want to marry me?" "Oh, my God!" "Wait, is that for me or for the ring?" "Oh, my God!" "This is so beautiful." "But would you still want me without the ring?" "What are you talking about?" "I can't believe this!" "Look at...." "I can't wait to show everybody." "Wait, I gotta look at this under the light." "I'm never going to get a straight answer now." "It's gorgeous!" "Give me that ring for a second, please." "No." "Give me my ring back." "Wait." "please, wait!" "Do you really want to marry me?" "What?" "Yes!" "Take your time!" "Think." "One more time." "Do you really wanna marry me?" "Yes, Ray." "I really wanna marry you." "I got the ring!" "I Iove it." "It's great." "Come here." "I gotta show you all my plans here." "plans?" "What do you mean?" "Yeah, for the wedding." "You're already planning the wedding?" "I've been planning it since I was 1 2." "You didn't meet me till you were 22." "Well, you're the Iast piece of the puzzle." "Yeah." "You're sure that I fit?" "You're not Iike cramming me in there, right?" "Okay, look at this." "These bridesmaids's dresses." "Do you Iike this color?" "Yeah." "They're great if they're going to jog to church at night, I guess." "Come on, this is important." "So this is all about the wedding." "Of course it's about the wedding." "Wait a minute." "Wait a second." "What if I told you forget about all this?" "would you still wanna marry me if we couldn't have a big wedding?" "I don't need a big wedding." "That's fine." "Wait, what about what your sister had?" "God, that was way too much." "I wouldn't want that anyway." "So, you're not just excited now about a big wedding?" "You'd marry me even if we had a small wedding?" "Listen, if you want a small wedding, we'll have a small wedding, okay?" "You're good with a small wedding?" "Of course." "And I'm still honey?" "Yes, you are." "Okay." "My parents." "Oh, boy." "Hello there, son-in-Iaw." "Hello there, you." "You know, on the way down here..." "I was busy reading my favorite sports columnist." "Boy, that Mike Lupica can really write." "congratulations, Ray." "Thank you." "I've never been a sports fan, but now...." "Go sports!" "Okay." "Look, Mom." "Is that adorable?" "Hey, we gotta talk date." "Yes." "I checked, and the country club is only available on June 3 or the 1 7." "It's the big room, dear." "Of course it's the big room." "Big room, big band, big shrimp." "So like 200, 250 tops." "Two hundred and fifty?" "people?" "Yeah." "Why?" "What did you have in mind?" "A small wedding." "Like, 20 people." "Well, okay, 20 each." "Forty?" "You said a small wedding." "You said you didn't care about a big wedding." "Ray, but 40 people is not a wedding." "That's like a barbecue." "So you do care about the wedding." "Honey, I told you I've been imagining this since I was 1 2 years old." "You knew 200 people when you were 1 2?" "You know, last month, I was at a wedding where they released doves." "I can't believe you said that." "I have a picture of it right here." "Doves?" "Have you picked out your colors yet?" "I wanted to talk to you about that." "And the centerpieces." "Do you know what they're doing now?" "The base is a fishbowl." "With fish in it?" "Of course with fish in it." "That would be so great." "So, ladies, the 3rd or the 1 7th?" "Seventeenth." "The chocoIatier isn't available till then." "Yes, and that'll give me a chance to do another fitting." "ralph, it's Warren." "Big room." "The 1 7th." "Right." "I'm invited, right?" "No, of course we can have it." "Daddy will pay." "Okay." "Next time, on Everybody Loves Raymond:" "He has a wonderful sense of humor." "Really?" "He thinks you are a moron." "Well, you're marrying me." "Yeah, I know!" "Where's Ray?"