"Male announcer:" "Death can grant you a nice and peaceful departure." "Blow his head off." " Yes, boss." "No!" "Announcer:" "Or it can make you its bitch." "Announcer:" "Like the scam artist who took his eye off the target." "Hey!" "Announcer:" "Or the co-ed..." "Who tried to glide through school." "Announcer:" "There's a bitter son who dug his own grave." "Aah!" "Announcer:" "An oversexed couple who had a hard time coupling." "Oh!" "Announcer:" "A warlord whose fortune went up his nose." "Announcer:" "And two losers who sucked on the wrong hose." "Announcer:" "Hide your daughters and lock your doors." " Occupado." "Announcer:" "Death is on the loose." "In the next episode of 1000 ways to die." "Announcer:" "Death is everywhere." "Most of us try to avoid it." "Others can't get out of its way." "Announcer:" "Every day we fight a new war against germs." "Toxins." "Injury." "Illness." "And catastrophe." "The fact that we survive at all is a miracle." "Because every day we live, we face... 1000 ways to die." "Have you ever gotten one of those ridiculous e-mails saying you're about to become a millionaire?" "Joe did." "Announcer:" "And he was so stupid and gullible, he believed it." "Joseph." "How are you?" "Have a seat." "Announcer:" "Joe had already wired $5,000 to cover supposed account transfer fees to..." "Adechike, a Nigerian businessman who represented a major international lottery corporation." "As you know, uh, export fees." "Announcer:" "But now adechike wanted more money." "I like you already." "Announcer:" "Have you figured out what's wrong with this picture?" "Joe was about to become a victim of a Nigerian "black money," or "wash-wash" scam." "A wash -wash scam would typically take three or four steps." "Once the con artist knows the individual has been hooked, they've paid some money already." "They'll introduce the wash-wash..." "Typically a suitcase full of black bills." "Amongst them will be a couple of legitimate U.S. Dollars." "That have been dyed black." "The con artist presents these with a special magic fluid that he uses to wash the legitimate bills to demonstrate the entire box is full of U.S. Currency." "Announcer:" "The sucker is told the bills were dyed black in order to sneak them into the country." "That's a hundred dollar bill." "Yes, yes." "Announcer:" "If you're wondering if anyone actually falls for this scam, victims lost over 9.3 billion dollars in 2009 alone." "Yeah?" " Okay." "Joe just turned over what was left of his savings for a hundred dollar bill." "Five dollars worth of dyed paper, and a worthless bottle of "magic wash" liquid." "Are you gonna clean them now?" "Why don't you do it?" " Oh, I..." "Oh!" "Announcer:" "Make that an empty bottle of worthless "magic wash" liquid." "Don't worry, I take care of you, I take care of you." "I could have one for you in 24 hours." "Announcer:" "Joe might have been dim, but his bulb wasn't completely out." "He rubbed off another bill, and discovered he'd been taken to the cleaners." "Open up!" ", open up!" "Open up!" "Hey!" "When the man was hit by the door, the five inch metal hook pierced his eye." "And fractured his orbital socket." "Causing damage to his frontal lobe." "This damage caused an immediate severe hemorrhage of his brain." "Causing cessation of his autonomic functions, killing him instantly." "Open up!" "Announcer:" "Adechike's death should be a lesson to all you gullible Jim's out there." "Keep your eye on your money." "There's plenty of ways to get through college." "Marshall was doing it by working hard." "Hello?" "Announcer:" "Katie was doing it by working Marshall." "Do you have that homework that I had you do for me?" "Perfect." "Thank you." "That's so nice." "Announcer:" "They shared the same chemistry class, and Katie made sure she got the smart nerd as her lab partner." "Hydrogen chloride and ammonia, it's an exothermic reaction." "What's an exothermic reaction?" "It makes heat." "Mm, heat." "Announcer:" "Katie knew all about generating heat." "She could turn the sexually inexperienced" "Marshall on like a bunsen burner." "It's very easy to arouse a man." "As long as they see something that turns them on." "From the woman's cleavage, to a nice looking butt." "Or a great pair of legs." "And his blood pressure goes up, his heart starts beating, and he does release testosterone." "It's the same kind of feeling he gets when he sees a great, hot car." "And he wants to get in there and find out if it's a keeper." "How many more of these do we have to, like, do?" "There's a lot." "Announcer:" "Katie was about to learn a valuable chemistry lesson." "I have to go." "It's your grade." "Announcer:" "Don't flash your headlights when your horny lab partner is mixing ammonia with hydrochloric acid." "Announcer:" "The toxic cloud of gas fused her contact lenses right to her eyeballs." "Announcer:" "She looked out from her damaged eyes, and saw blurry salvation." "The eye wash station." "She slipped on this wax floor and broke her cervical spine vertebrae." "Spinal chord injury in this particular area would immediately cease respiratory function." "A person would stop breathing." "All brain control would be lost and death would be instantaneous." "Thank you." "Oh, you're so sweet." "Katie tried to flirt her way through school." "I have to go." " It's your grade." "Announcer:" "And in the end..." "Announcer:" "She passed..." "Announcer:" "On." "Katie." "Announcer:" "Coming up." " Blow his head off." "Yes, boss." "Announcer:" "An African warlord blows it out his nose." "Announcer:" "And..." "Announcer:" "If you gotta go, you gotta go." "Announcer:" "If you happen to see a crazy looking guy carrying a shovel, prowling around a cemetery in the middle of the night, chances are he's not the gardener." "You cheap bastard." "Announcer:" "Say hello to Doug." "Take care of yourself, huh?" "Announcer:" "Doug's a grave robber." "But just for tonight." "And the grave he's robbing?" "His brother Jim's." "You son of a bitch." "Announcer:" "Jim was always the favorite son." "And got all the money when their parents died." "Take care of yourself, huh?" "We'll see about that." "Announcer:" "When Jim died, he left it all to his dog." "I mean, a large estate can really rip a family apart." "If the person who died is trying to control his money from the grave, it causes a tremendous amount of emotional difficulty." "There were some very wealthy billionaires who talked about leaving the majority of their money to charity." "So that their children will not fight among themselves." "The charities will get most of it." "Announcer:" "Doug wasn't interested in Jim." "You greedy son of a bitch." "Announcer:" "He was after all the expensive jewelry" "Jim requested to be buried with." "A $30,000 watch." " This is good." "Announcer:" "And $100,000 in rings." "Ugh!" "Announcer:" "One of the rings was stuck aah!" "Announcer:" "So Doug just took the finger as well." "Oh, God." "Now what else do you have here, huh?" "Announcer:" "The black sheep would finally have some of the family riches." "What else, huh?" "Got anything else in here?" "Announcer:" "But he made a grave error." "Aah!" "Announcer:" "Doug dug too close to the head stone." "Aah!" "The weight of the monument as it collapsed over, crushed his skull, his lungs would not have been able to expand because he's had so much pressure on his rib cage." "The muscles couldn't overcome that force, allow his lungs to expand, and he'd basically suffocate." "He would be dead." "Announcer:" "Doug was the family cast-off." "But in the end, he and his brother wound up joined at the hip." "Aah!" "Announcer:" "And the face, and the chest." "Sierra Leone." "Known for its rich deposits of diamonds, and its warlords." "Again!" "And Tomo was as ruthless as they came." "Take him to the back." "Blow his head off." " Yes, boss." "No!" "Announcer:" "Tomo just had a diamond runner executed." "And stole all his uncut gems." "He celebrated with a big fat rail of brown-brown." "Brown-brown is cocaine mixed with gunpowder." "It's the stimulant of choice in war-torn west Africa." "It has a very unique effect because the gun powder contains Nitroglycerin." "Nitroglycerin is a medication that's used for chest pain." "So the side-effects of cocaine, such as chest pains or any sort of cardiac manifestations can be lessened by the use of Nitroglycerin." "So in a way it's a cocktail to extend your high and prevent side effects." "Announcer:" "Tomo was really going at it." "Snorting line after line of the drug." "Aah!" "Announcer:" "The brown-brown was making Tomo bleed-bleed." "But not from the gunpowder-coke mixture." "The bag of diamonds he dumped on his desk left a thin sheen of diamond dust and nearly invisible blade-like crystals." "The numbing effect of the cocaine kept Tomo from feeling the thousands of microscopic diamond knives, as they tore through his arteries, ripped up his lungs, and sliced up his heart." "The tiny shards will slice their way through the nasal mucosa, into the lungs, and then once it gets into the circulation, they can lacerate any artery." "Especially the coronary arteries' supply of blood to the heart." "It results in cardiac hemorrhage, and cardiac death." "Announcer:" "Tomo." "Announcer:" "The gun shooting, coke and gun powder tootin' warlord, learned a valuable lesson." "Diamonds don't last forever." "Being dead does." "What is it about some couples on airplanes?" "It seems as soon as they hit 30,000 feet they think it's time to put on a live sex show." "Announcer:" "Darren and Bernice had no regard for the other passengers." "Excuse me." "Excuse me, can you tone it down?" "Thank you." "Both:" "Announcer:" "Bernice was a total slut." "She could count the places where she's never had sex on one hand." "Want to become a member of the mile -high club?" "Mile-high club?" "Announcer:" "A jumbo jet was one of them." "The mile-high club refers to having sex in a plane's bathroom." "And while it might be naughty, it's okay with the airline." "Ew, that's gross." " Yeah, a little." "It's not illegal to have sex in the bathroom." "We can't prove that they're actually having sex anyway." "Occupado." "It's different if they decide to start doing it in a seat in the middle of the cabin." "Then that's indecent exposure." "And, I mean, you can get arrested for that." "If they're in the bathroom, we just let them have fun." "Announcer:" "Dirty sex in an airline toilet requires the skills of a contortionist." "Yeah, right there." "Hurry." "Announcer:" "Just as Darren was ready to pop her in-flight cherry," "The seatbelt light just came on." "Announcer:" "The plane hit a pocket of severe turbulence." "Turbulence is caused by rapidly moving air that an airplane flies into." "Imagine suddenly hitting a 200 mile-an-hour wind sideways." "That's just going to propel the airplane up and then down, as the airplane is flying through it." "Ow, ow, ow!" "Announcer:" "Suddenly the plane dropped violently." "But the lovers' bodies stayed in place." "Their heads slammed into the ceiling." "Darren's neck shattered." "And Bernice's brain rattled around her skull cavity like a punched-out boxer's." "They both died instantly." "Oh!" " Oh, my God!" "What the-!" " Oh, my gosh." "Announcer:" "A wise man, when asked if sex was dirty, replied, "only when it's done right."" "Oh, no, no, no." "That's not working." "Announcer:" "Darren and Bernice just chose the wrong place." "Next time, get a room." "Aah!" " Oh!" "Announcer:" "Not a bathroom." "Up next." "Two lowlifes have a bad case of gas." "Announcer:" "And..." "Announcer:" "A world war ii soldier gets a blast from the past." "Announcer:" "What do we got here?" "A couple of losers checking out some tail?" "It's worse than that." "Zeke and Lyle are working a new scam." "Stealing gas out of parked cars." "Fluctuating fuel prices have created a black market opportunity for creeps like these." "There is a large market for stolen gasoline." "Where people would bring empty gasoline trucks, large containers, to a gas station." "And using large hoses, siphon gasoline from the gas tanks underneath gas stations." "Operations such as these can bring millions of dollars in profits." "Announcer:" "But these two deadbeats were strictly small-time." "Siphoning works by sticking a hose into a tank, and sucking on it to create negative pressure." "Problem was, they swallowed more gas than they stole." "There's gotta be a better way to do this." "Bring it over here." "Come on." "Announcer:" "That "better way" appeared in the form of a 30-gallon industrial vacuum cleaner." "Turn this baby on!" "Whoa, yeah!" " Whoa!" "Announcer:" "Looks like their new siphoning system needs work." "As the gasoline entered the vacuum, its electric fan produced a spark." "And their gas-sucking days were over." "The shrapnel from this explosion will come at extremely high velocity right towards your face and head." "Go within your skull, within your brain, you'll have immediate hemorrhaging within your brain." "And then the inner-cranial pressure will increase, causing immediate death." "Announcer:" "Zeke and Lyle sucked at what they did." "They thought a vacuum would help." "Turn this baby on." "Announcer:" "In the end, they were just a couple of..." "Gas-holes." "It's 1945." "And world war ii was drawing to a close." "Announcer:" "The Americans were doing what they did best." "Kicking Nazi butt." "This SS scum put up a good fight." "But he was no match for a red-blooded," "American bullet in the head." "But the German wasn't dead." "50 years later he was alive and well, and living out his days as an American citizen in Brooklyn, New York." "Say hello to Dieter." "After the war, he hooked up with and underground Nazi relocation network called Odessa." "In 1946 Odessa was created." "But there were other smuggling networks that pre-existed the end of the war." "Many of the SchutzStaffel, or SS, were relocated to Latin America." "And from there, they were able to obtain new identities." "And they were able to migrate anywhere." "Announcer:" "Even after all these years," "Dieter was still one sour kraut." "The master racist made an angry milk run to the fridge." "Ow!" "Announcer:" "And never made it back." "Announcer:" "When Dieter was shot," "Announcer:" "The bullet penetrated his skull, and wound up right next to a major artery in his brain." "For 50 years it waited to finish the job." "Oh!" "Announcer:" "Dieter's head knock finally did the trick." "It was an important blood vessel, just by the bullet." "When this man got another hit to the head, the bullet dislodged and it severed the blood vessel it affected brain function." "It caused some bleeding, and he died." "Announcer:" "Dieter thought he had cheated death." "Announcer:" "But the former Nazi had no idea death could be so patient." "As for the bullet in his head," "It was just following orders."