"Are you feeling good tonight?" "Are you ready to rock?" "Do you think that light is made up of waves or does it seem more like particles to you?" "Hey, Megastars!" "Can you tell which one of those questions would work at a rock concert?" "If not, you definitely need my help." "Hi, I'm Ron Popeil's brother," "Rod Popeil, here to tell you about a fantastic product." "This has helped thousands of Megastars create the perfect rock-concert experience." "It's Rodco's amazing "Rock Concert lnstruction Manual, Version 2.0."" "It's one of the most popular software products in my "How to be a Megastar" series that I am making available today at a very special price." "In fact, if you call the number on your screen to order right now," "I'll even throw in a giant bowl of green MMs for free!" "That includes shipping!" "And if you promise to tell a friend about my rock manual," "I'll throw in this rubber-tipped sledgehammer that will allow you to smash the TV screen in your hotel room without getting electrocuted!" "Imagine that." "But I have a little bit more." "In fact, I have a lot more." "I'm feeling a little crazy today, so absolutely free" "I'm going to throw in a champagne snorkel." "This makes drinking so much easier." "If you're onstage and you're playing your solo" "Your drum solo, what have you" "You could drink the entire time." "How does that sound?" "That is fuel for thought." "Plus a three-week pass to the Hazelden clinic!" "So call now and your audience will be mega-glad you did!" "Are you going to puke?" "You gonna puke?" "It's okay to puke." "Thank you for choosing the "Rock Concert lnstruction Manual"" "as your rock-concert coaching program." "To receive your manual, please enter your credit card number now." "I'm sorry, I didn't get it." "Please enter your credit card number now." "I'm sorry, I didn't get it." "Please enter your credit card number now." "I'm sorry, I didn't get it." "Please enter your credit card number now." "I'm sorry, I didn't get it." "Please enter your credit card number now." "I'm sorry, I didn't get it." "Please enter your credit card number now." "Congratulations." "Your transaction is complete and your credit card has been charged $4,000." "Now press "one" for standard delivery," ""two" for overnight delivery, or "three" for lightning-speed delivery." "Thank you." "Your manual will arrive shortly." "?" "Rock Concert lnstruction Manual?" "?" "Rock Concert lnstruction Manual, Rock Concert lnstruction Manual.?" "Welcome." "Let's prepare for your rock-concert journey with a warm-up exercise." "You can start by loosening your pelvis." "Once your pelvis feels sufficiently warmed up, begin to move it in a sexy rhythmic pattern." "Now expand your movement exploration to include other parts of your body." "As you move to the beat, try to sync up with the other members of your group and develop a few choreographed dance moves." "Today's Megastars count on choreographed dance moves to deflect attention away from any shortcomings in skill or musical talent." "And just to be safe, there's also an abundance of auto-tune software and lip-synching programs to choose from so that you can focus almost exclusively on dancing and posing without being burdened with the hassle of singing the right notes" "or expressing emotion." "When you have found a good dance move, you should stick with it." "At some point, the sexiest among you may become tempted to take a leave of absence to pursue a solo project that allows for freer artistic expression." "But this almost always makes the other group members feel bitter and resentful, so we don't recommend it." "Now let's review some of the standard rock-concert movements you will want to perform with your audience." "Rock Concert Movement Number One:" "The Basic Head Bob." "Ready, go." "Rock Concert Movement Number Two:" "The One-Armed Fist Pump." "Ready, go." "Rock Concert Movement Number Five:" "Wave Your Hands in the Air." "Like You Just Don't Care." "Ready, go." "Rock Concert Movement Number Seven:" "Raise the Roof." "Ready, go." "Rock Concert Movement Number 10:" "Getting a Closer Look at the Audience." "Ready, go." "Rock Concert Movement Number Six:" "The Two-Armed Upward Thrust with Yell." "Ready, go." "Rock Concert Movement Number Four:" "The Behind-the-Head Leg Stretch." "Ready, go." "As your concert experience begins to take shape, it is important for you to remember that rock concerts provide a journey into two separate worlds simultaneously." "One world is made up of the events that take place onstage." "The other world lives inside the lyrics of your songs." "If you have not yet developed this second world, go to your instrument for inspiration and see where it takes you." "?" "All I see?" "?" "It's not for me?" "?" "And what I want?" "?" "You have not got?" "?" "Tried to use the things you sold me?" "?" "No matter what the cost?" "?" "Tried to go the way you told me?" "?" "But each time I got lost?" "?" "The stairs didn't lead me anywhere?" "?" "I'm taking the fire escape?" "?" "Up to the roof?" "?" "Don't care if it's not the way?" "?" "You find the truth?" "?" "Time to make this climb?" "?" "To rise above this room?" "?" "And all?" "?" "All of you who say?" "?" "I should?" "?" "Do like you would?" "?" "Tried to live the life you sold me?" "?" "No matter what the cost?" "?" "Tried to walk the way you told me?" "?" "But each time I got lost?" "?" "The stairs didn't lead me?" "?" "Anywhere?" "?" "I'm taking the fire escape?" "?" "Up to the roof?" "?" "Don't care if it's not the way?" "?" "You find the truth?" "?" "And when I get up that high?" "?" "I don't know what I'll find?" "?" "But I'd rather look at the sky?" "?" "Than wonder why?" "?" "I let you take my time?" "?" "Time to make this climb?" "?" "To rise above?" "?" "I'm taking the fire escape?" "?" "Up to the roof?" "?" "Don't care if it's not the way?" "?" "You find the truth?" "?" "When I get up that high?" "?" "I don't know what I'll find?" "?" "But I'd rather look at the sky?" "?" "Than wonder why?" "?" "I let you take my time?" "?" "Time to make this climb?" "?" "To rise above?" "?" "Time to make this climb?" "?" "To rise above.?" "To play the role of a mega rock star, you will need to alter your appearance in ways that help you stand out." "To have gotten this far, you probably already have great hair and wild, brightly-colored clothes, but adding a few of the accessories included with your manual can help take your look over the top." "Sunglasses, for example, have helped numerous artists disappear into a "mystique."" "One Megastar accessory that is long overdue for a comeback is the codpiece." "An accessory like this may seem a little strange, but it is important for Megastars to make bold choices." "For example, if you are a male Megastar, one thing you might not have considered is the use of makeup." "This is the glam approach to creating a distinctive style." "The glam-rock tradition began in the '70s when a number of male artists experimented with makeup to create a more androgynous look." "The use of makeup continued in the '80s and stayed alive throughout the '90s." "Even today, the tradition of male Megastars using makeup to make themselves look pretty lives on." "So try some makeup to see if you like it." "If none of these techniques suit your taste, you can come up with your own way of constructing a rock persona." "Anything will work, as long as you mask your boring true self with something more animated and electrifying." "?" "Every morning I put it on?" "?" "I walk outside and I am gone?" "?" "And I don't seem to mind anymore?" "?" "I can't think what it was like?" "?" "Before I wore it all the time?" "?" "In the evening I take it off?" "?" "But there's another one underneath?" "?" "And I can't seem to find?" "?" "The bottom of the stack?" "?" "I might just lose my mind?" "?" "And never get it back?" "?" "But at least I'll get inside?" "?" "There's a feeling that I get sometimes?" "?" "It's so small that it's easy to hide?" "?" "It's like a howling voice?" "?" "From the distant past?" "?" "It seems I've got no choice?" "?" "When it comes to this?" "?" "It's building up inside?" "?" "It's building up inside...?" "To help deepen your audience's concert experience, you may want to provide some historical background for a few of the rock-concert traditions that many people are familiar with, but few fully understand." "For example, some of your audience members might not know that this common rock-concert hand gesture is a reference to rock legend Floppie the Banjo Clown." "Although his career was tragically cut short by injuries sustained from his infamous flops..." "Floppie's unique style influenced numerous heavy-metal artists, and to this day you can see people pay their respects to him when they execute Rock Concert Movement Number 37:" "Flashing the Floppie- the-Banjo-Clown Hand Puppet." "Your attention, please." "Please yell if you are paying attention." "Please yell if you are paying attention." "Place your attention entirely on my voice and try to ignore all the others." "It is important to be able to focus on a single source of information, on blocking out all the other things that are competing for your attention." "Yell." "Y-yell." "Your attention, please." "Please yell if you're paying attention." "Your-your-your-your-- Your attention." "Your-your-your-your-- your attention." "Your-your-your-your-- Your attention." "Your-your-- your attention." "Periodically you may want to check with your fans to see if they are "with you."" "If so, you can reward their devotion by handing out a few special souvenir items such as drumsticks, guitar picks and Courvoisier." "Be sure that you don't just service the people close to the stage." "This tends to annoy the rest of the audience." "In fact, if you think about it, the people who deserve some extra attention the most are the people who have stuck with you all evening, even though they have been sitting in the back in the "crappy seats."" "You may want to up the ante on the type of souvenirs you give them by providing something they can actually wear home." "?" "If I sing a song, will you sing along?" "?" "If I sing a song, will you sing along?" "?" "If I sing a song, will you sing along?" "?" "Or should I just keep singin' right here by myself?" "?" "If I tell you I'm strong, will you play along?" "?" "If I tell you I'm strong, will you play along?" "?" "If I tell you I'm strong, will you play along?" "?" "Or will you see I'm as insecure?" "?" "As everybody else?" "?" "Everybody else?" "?" "If I follow along, does it mean I belong?" "?" "If I follow along, does it mean I belong?" "?" "If I follow along, does it mean I belong?" "?" "Or will I keep on feeling different?" "?" "From everybody else?" "?" "Everybody else?" "?" "If I sing a song?" "?" "Will you sing along?" "?" "Should I keep on?" "?" "Singing right here by myself?" "?" "If I sing a song?" "?" "Will you sing along?" "?" "Or should I just keep on singing right by myself?" "?" "Or should I just keep singing right here?" "?" "By myself?" "Why do we call this "Rock Concert lnstruction Manual, Version 2.0"?" "Because it now comes with a special feature that will help you get a better performance out of your lead guitarist." "We call it the "Rodco Rock Box."" "Here's how it works:" "Instruct your guitarist to enter the box and play a guitar lead." "Chances are, he's just gonna show off by playing a bunch of random notes as fast as possible." "The door feature on this Rock Box allows you to control just how much your audience hears of this self-absorbed, masturbatory performance." "And you can try the gassing feature if the song you are playing requires a more melodic approach to lead guitar." "Just turn it on, and a special gas will slow down your guitarist's reflexes and heighten his melodic awareness." "When he comes out of the box, he'll play in a more fluid musical style." "Now that's music!" "Rock Concert Movement Number 237:" "Taking the Audience on a Jungian Journey into the Collective Unconscious By Using the Shadow as a Metaphor for the Primal Self That Gets Repressed by the Modern Persona and Also By Using an Underground Setting and Labyrinth Office Design to Represent Both the Depths of the Psyche" "and the Dungeonlike lsolation of Our increasingly Mechanistic Society." "Which Prevents People from Finding Satisfying Work or Meaningful Connections with Others." "?" "Sometimes my shadow leads?" "?" "Or it follows me?" "?" "But we never seem to become?" "?" "One and the same?" "?" "Sometimes my shadow leads?" "?" "Or it follows me?" "?" "But we never seem to become?" "?" "One and the same?" "?" "Sometimes my shadow leads?" "?" "Or it follows me?" "?" "But we never seem to become?" "?" "One and the same.?" "?" "I work on the highest floor?" "?" "There's nothing in my way?" "?" "But I saw my picture on the bathroom door?" "?" "Today?" "?" "I don't feel like workin' anymore?" "?" "Is that okay?" "?" "I'm so far in?" "?" "I can't get out?" "?" "I'm so far in?" "?" "I can't get out?" "?" "I'm so far in?" "?" "I can't get out?" "?" "I made it to the highest floor?" "?" "By working every day?" "?" "But I can't remember?" "?" "Anymore?" "?" "What it was like to play?" "?" "If I could only find the exit door?" "?" "I'd run away?" "?" "I'm so far in?" "?" "I can't get out?" "?" "I'm so far in?" "?" "I can't get out?" "?" "I'm so far in?" "?" "I can't get out?" "?" "I can't get out?" "?" "Get out?" "?" "Gotta get up, gotta get up?" "?" "Gotta get up and go?" "?" "Gotta get up, gotta get up?" "?" "Gotta get up and go?" "?" "Gotta get up, gotta get up?" "?" "Gotta get up and go?" "?" "Gotta get up, gotta get up?" "?" "Gotta get up and go?" "?" "Gotta get up, gotta get up?" "?" "Gotta get up and go?" "?" "Gotta get up, gotta get up?" "?" "Gotta get up and go?" "?" "Gotta get up, gotta get up?" "?" "Gotta get up and go.?" "By now, some of your audience members may have begun to get "the feeling."" "People who are having the feeling tend to display a range of symptoms such as uncontrollable foot stomping... hand clapping... yelling... and saying phrases like "I love you, man."" "If we could see the feeling, it might look something like this." "But because the feeling is in fact invisible, both you and your audience will have to find novel ways of letting your feeling be known." "Do-- do-- do ya feel it?" "Do-- do-- do ya feel it?" "If ya feel it, lemme hear it!" "Stomp your feet." "Clap your hands." "Stomp your feet." "Clap your hands." " Stomp your feet." " Clap your hands." "Come on!" "Clap your hands." "Stomp stomp stomp your feet." " Clap your hands." " Stomp your feet." " Clap your hands." " Come on." "Clap your hands." "Come on." "Stomp stomp stomp stomp your feet." "Clap your hands." "Stomp your feet." "Clap your hands." "Come on." " Clap your hands." " Stomp stomp stomp your feet." " Clap your hands." " Stomp your feet." " Clap your hands." " Come on." " Clap your hands." " Stomp stomp stomp your feet." "Clap your hands." "Come on, come on." "Come on." "Stomp your feet." "Come on." "Come on, come on." "Come on." "Stomp your feet." "Come on." "Stomp your feet." "?" "Ooh, it's so good, it's so good?" "?" "It's so good, it's so good?" "?" "It's so good?" "?" "Ooh, heaven knows?" "?" "Heaven knows, heaven knows, heaven knows?" "?" "Heaven knows?" "?" "Ooh, I feel love?" "?" "I feel love, I feel love, I feel love?" "?" "I feel love?" "?" "I feel love?" "?" "Ooh, I'll get you, I'll get you?" "?" "I'll get you, I'll get you?" "?" "I'll get you?" "?" "Ooh, what you do?" "?" "What you do, what you do, what you do?" "?" "What you do?" "?" "Ooh, I feel love?" "?" "I feel love, I feel love, I feel love?" "?" "I feel love?" "?" "I feel love?" "?" "I feel love, love?" "?" "I feel love?" "?" "Ooooh?" "?" "Love?" "?" "I feel love?" "?" "I feel?" "?" "Love?" "?" "Love love love love love love.?" "?" "We're gonna rock and then we'll go?" "?" "Gonna rock, gonna rock, gonna rock and go?" "?" "We brought the music, we brought the show?" "?" "Gonna rock, gonna rock, gonna rock and go?" "?" "We came to kick it, that's all we know?" "?" "We're gonna wind it up real tight and then we'll let it go?" "?" "Let's get it going, get some motion, get it movin' fast?" "?" "Just give it everything you got, don't try to make it last?" "?" "'Cause we all came here to do this?" "?" "And we all know exactly what to do?" "?" "Just give us a sign?" "?" "That you're ready to believe?" "?" "And we'll come through for you...?" "But then we'll leave." "?" "We're gonna rock and then we'll go?" "?" "Gonna rock, gonna rock, don't wanna take it slow?" "?" "It's time to party and have some fun?" "?" "Gonna rock, gonna rock, gonna rock and run?" "?" "We kick completely when we jam?" "?" "First we wham and then we bam, no time for "Thank you ma'am"?" "?" "Let's get it going, get some motion, get it movin' fast?" "?" "Just give it everything you got, don't try to make it last?" "?" "'Cause we all came here to do this?" "?" "And we all know exactly what to do?" "?" "Just give us a sign?" "?" "That you're ready to believe?" "?" "And we'll come through for you...?" "But then we'll leave." "It is now time to show off your Megastar talent." "?" "We're gonna rock and then we'll go?" "?" "Gonna rock, gonna rock, gonna rock and go?" "?" "We hate to leave you but rockin' takes its toll?" "?" "Gonna rock, gonna rock but once we rock, we roll.?" "?" "Out here in the fields?" "?" "I fight for my meals?" "?" "I get my back into my living?" "?" "I don't need to fight?" "?" "To prove I'm right?" "?" "And I don't need to be forgiven?" "?" "No no no?" "?" "Don't cry?" "?" "Don't raise your eye?" "?" "It's only teenage wasteland?" "?" "Sally, take my hand?" "?" "Travel south crossland?" "?" "We'll put out the fire?" "?" "But don't look past my shoulder, no?" "?" "The exodus is here?" "?" "The happy ones are near?" "?" "Let's get it together before we get much older?" "?" "Teenage wasteland?" "?" "It's only teenage wasteland?" "?" "Teenage wasteland, oh no?" "?" "It's only teenage wasteland...?" "You're all wasted." "?" "Ahhh...?" "Rock Concert Movement Number 48:" "Introducing the Band." "Hi, my name is Seth and I'm going to help with Rock Concert Movement Number 48:" "Introducing the Band!" "On percussion and backing vocals:" "Jeff Tortora." "Also on percussion:" "Clem Waldmann." "On drum kit:" "Todd Waetzig!" "On guitars:" "Mike Burns and Julian Cassanetti." "On bass and Chapman stick:" "MK." "On vocals:" "Adrian Hartley." "On keyboards:" "Phil Maniaci." "On vocals and keyboard:" "Peter Moore." "And let's hear it for:" "Mike Relm." "Special thanks to:" "Fred Armisen and Laura Sweeney." "Thank you for coming out tonight." "We've been to a lot of places, but insert name-- oh, Dallas!" "Is definitely our favorite!" "There is only one more Rock Concert Movement left to do and that is Rock Concert Movement Number Three:" "The Up-and-Down Jumping Motion." "Everyone please stand up for the last song of the evening." "Thank you!" "Number one." "?" "I don't know...?" "Number two." "?" "Where to go...?" "Rock Concert Movement Number Three, ready, go." "?" "I close the door, I find a chair, I sink?" "?" "The music's on and I try not to think?" "?" "About how long it's been that I've been alone?" "?" "But now the song is on, I'll get along...?" " Five." " ?" "I don't know?" " ?" "Where to go...?" " Number Seven." "?" "So I guess I'll stay right here...?" "Rock Concert Movement Number Three, ready, go." "?" "I'm at the club, I'm in the crowd alone?" "?" "I'm waiting for the music to come on?" "?" "'Cause once the song's begun, the group is one?" "?" "But once the song is done, the group is gone...?" "That two-beat pattern is in every rock and roll number." "?" "I don't know...?" "Rock Concert Movement Number Six:" "The Two-Armed Upward Thrust with Yell." "Ready, go." "Again." "?" "I'm at the club, I'm in the crowd alone?" "?" "I'm waiting for the music to come on?" "?" "'Cause once the song's begun, the group is one?" "?" "But once the song is done, the group is gone?" "?" "The group is gone, the group is gone...?" "Number Six." "Number Six," "Number Six." "?" "I don't know?" "?" "Where to go...?" "This music will definitely bring on hypnosis in 29 minutes of time." "?" "So I guess I'll stay right here?" "?" "I close the door, I find a chair, I sink?" "?" "The music's on and I try not to think?" "?" "About how long it's been that I've been alone?" "?" "But now the song is on and I'll get along?" "?" "I'm at the club, I'm in the crowd alone?" "?" "I'm waiting for the music to come on?" "?" "'Cause once the song's begun, the group is one?" "?" "But once the song is done, the group is gone.?" "Your rock concert experience is now complete." "Thank you." "Good night."