"You'd better call the midwife." "Yes, good idea." "Call midwife." "Couldn't you have waited another hour?" " What?" "!" " At least until Dick ..." "I'm terribly sorry!" "I'll give the baby a right talking to as soon as I've squeezed it down my bloody uterus!" " What's the number?" "I don't know the number." " In my bag." " Right." " In the address book." "I wish you were having this baby in hospital, like everyone else." " Oh, don't start, mum." " June Coop's niece had a disastrous home birth." "A complete nightmare ..." " So I've heard." " Then why don't you listen?" "It's completely different." "For start, we don't have a pet python!" " Is there anything I can do?" " Take mum for a long walk." "About 20 miles should do it." " Could I talk to you Steel?" " Eh ..." "Not very convenient, Frasier." "Could it wait?" " I want you to speak to Dick." " What?" "!" "About me being ... you know." "Look, we tried that Frasier." "Remember?" "We ended up toasting your engagement to some Dutch woman from the Conservative Club." "I lost my nerve." "Come on Steel, you're good with words." "Frasier, I don't know if you've noticed, but my wife is about to have a baby!" " Should I make my speech?" " Oh I don't know, Dick!" " It's not here." " It's in my other bag." " Ah, well where's that?" " In my bedroom." "OK" "Excuse me Angela, that blind lady..." "She just slipped over in your daughter's waters." "What are you doing out of bed!" "You should be taking it easy!" "You've had a very nasty scare!" "I want to go home!" " It's gone midnight, Ivone." " Call me a taxi, I want to get away from this hell hole!" "Take her through to the drawing room, Dick." "Hello, Bishop!" "We'll be cutting the cake shortly." "There you are." "Ah, the sofa's over here." " Around into the corner over here." " Got the number." " There we go." " Get him away from me!" "Get him away!" " Ivone, calm down." " I don't want him near me!" " What's going on?" " It was a complete accident, Ivone." " You tried to drown me!" " Well, I don't think that ..." "Howard, just phone the midwife." " Answer phone." " What?" "!" "Hello, ehh ..." "Howard Steel here." "Ehh ..." "Mel Steel's husband." "Ehh, we met at the anti-natal class." "You may remember, I was the only one in our little group who knew that the top of the uterus is called the fundus." " Anyway, the reason I'm calling ..." " Oh!" "Hello, this Angela Cooke, Mel's mother." "I thought you were on 24 hour call!" "You can't expect a baby to arrive between 9 and 5, you know." "I knew this would happen." "This is exactly why people should have babies in hospital!" "I think ..." "Roz, it's Mel." "Give me a call when you pick up this message." "My waters have broken." "Thanks." "Bye." "Yes." "Well done Mel." "Very well handled." "Now all we have to do is wait." "Have you got the birthing pool up?" "OK, thanks Roz." "Yeah, I'll see you soon." "OK, bye." "The midwife's on her way." "Oh, she's rolled out of the pub then, has she?" "She was running a bath!" "She didn't hear the phone!" "I've put Ivone back to bed." "Given her one of my sleeping pills." "Oooo ..." "Oh, darling." "Oh, you're going to be a great mother." "Well, I've had a good role model." "We're so proud of you, darling." "Doing so well at school ..." "University!" "Becoming a vet, ... getting married ... to Howard." "Do you know ... within a week of meeting him, I knew I wanted to have his children." "Well ... there you go." " I don't think that bit goes there, Dick." " It must do." " Actually, I think it's this one bit here?" " No it doesn't." "I've tried that." "Umm, well, OK." "Well, maybe it's this one bit here, then." "Well, of course it doesn't go there." "It's completely the wrong shape." "Can't you see?" "OK, so ehh ... where do you want to put it?" "Oh.Uhh ..." "Is Dick not here?" "No, he's helping Howard assemble the birthing pool." " Not long now." " No." "Just like going into battle." "It's the bloody waiting that's the worst bit." "Yes." "The mouth goes all dry, and ... the mind starts racing ... all the things that could go wrong." "Yes, Frasier." "Why don't you see how Dick and Howard are getting on?" "Ah, right." "Well, keep your pecker up, Mel." "No, well, not your pecker... your, um ... well, you know what I mean." " Would you like a Thai fish cake?" " No, thanks." " It'll keep your strength up." " No, I'm fine." " Thai fish cake, Ms. Cooke?" " What?" "No, thank you." " It's a lovely party." " Is it?" "Good." "So many interesting people." "I've just been talking to a woman whose godson lives in Penzance." "Really?" "That's where Derek went to live." " Derek?" " My first boyfriend." "Well, only boyfriend." "He ran off with my mother." "And they run a petrol station on the Penzance Ring Road." "It's a small world, isn't it." "Oh, thank God." "Where you been?" "You've had us all terribly worried!" " You must be Mel's mother." " Yes!" " Mel said you only live 20 minutes away!" " I couldn't find the house." "Now, I think Mel's contractions have started." "Quite small at the moment, but she is aware of some pain." " Can I come in?" " Oh, yes, of course." "Coming through, Howard?" "Excellent." "Going for a dip?" "No." "No no." "I'm going to get in there ... with Mel." "Alright." "This last bit slotted in here." " I thought it was that one." " The little bugger needed a bit of encouragement, but I got there." "Absolutely." "We did it." "Well, you did most of it." "Nonsense, it was a team effort." "You and me, working together ... as a team." " Everything's fine." " Oh, good." "Thank God you're here." "My mother was about to explode." " Is the birthing pool ready?" " Howard's just doing it upstairs." "We'll go up when it's ready." "I don't want you to worry." "I'll be right by your side." "Thai fish cake?" "They're very good." "Temperature OK?" " Spot on." " Right." "Dick, we really ought to cut the cake so that people can go." "Very good." "Howard, the midwife's arrived." "Oh, fantastic!" "We are going to get you so chilled." "You won't know what's happening until the last moment." " Sounds good." " Now, you stay there." "I've got some relaxation oils in the car." "Oh my god." "Well what was she standing there for?" "!" " Oh no!" " It's alright, Mel." "Hello, midwife." " Her name's Roz." " Hello, Roz." " She can't be dead!" " What?" "!" "Oh, she's got a heartbeat." "Right." "We mustn't move her." "We've got to leave her exactly where she is." " Thai fish cake?" " What?" "!" " They're very good." " No, thank you!" " Would now be a good time to give you the CBE?" " What?" "!" " You wanted me to give you Mr. Cooke's CBE." "Is now a good time?" "Ooooooo!" " No, now would not be a good time!" " Right." " We're cutting the cake." " Howard's just knocked out the midwife." "What?" "!" "An ambulance please, my daughter's having a baby." "Get two, Dick." "One for the midwife." "Make that two ambulances." "The midwife is unconscious." "I still want a home birth!" "Get another midwife!" "Don't be ridiculous!" "How would you describe the midwife's condition?" "Um, unconscious, but definitely alive." "Apparently there's a pulse." "No." "She had a door slammed in her face." "Don't ask." " The ambulances are on their way." "Ooooooh!" "Are you okay, honey?" "No, I am not f*cking OK!" "Right." "I've a burning sensation ... down there." "Down there?" "Yes, down there!" "Would you like me to have a look?" "No, I would not like you to have a look." "I would like my midwife to have a look   only my husband has put her in a coma!" "Well I'm not sure, strictly speaking, it qualifies as a coma." "Mel, what a spot of luck." " Furgus here works at Saint Dominic's Hospital." " Hello." " Hello." " Oh, Howard Steel, father to be." " Good to meet you." "Mel's complaining of a burning sensation   down there." "I see." "Umm ..." "So, what do you suggest?" "Angela, I'm the finance director." " At Saint Dominic's?" " Yes." "Well, you talk with doctors." "You work with them." "Only to discuss departmental budgets." "Well surely something must have rubbed off!" "Oh, Vanessa, just the person." "Mel's got a burning sensation ... down there." "Vanessa breeds greyhounds." "There's water pouring through the ceiling next door." "Oh, god!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, thank god." "It's OK." "I've turned the water off." "(Guests screaming) Oh!" "Oh my god!" "Mel, where are you?" "!" "I'm in here." "I think the water from the birthing pool has short circuited all the lights." "Oh, really?" "!" "I thought it was some sort of palor game!" "I'll find you in a minute, honey." "(Crashing sound)" "Howard, are you alright?" "I'm fine." "Just tripped over a midwife." "Right." "Now the fuses are up here." "Quite an evening." " That's one way of putting it." " Right." "Funny how things turn out." " Is it?" " Well, life's full of surprises, isn't it." "And you think you know things and people ... and then suddenly something happens, and you realize you don't know those things or those people at all." "You hold the light still?" "I going to say something now that may be a surprise to you." "Oh I think I've had enough surprises for one day." "I'm still getting over you falling in love with that woman from the Conservative Club." "Yes, well, that's my surprise, actually." "How do you mean?" " I'm not in love with her." " Oh, but earlier ..." "I not in love with her because   I'm one of them." "A liberal Democrat?" "Good god, no." "I'm gay." "I'm sorry?" "I'm gay." "I am a homosexual." " No you're not." " I am." "I know it's a shock, but it's true." " Oh don't be silly, you're my brother." " Dick, I've had these feelings all my life   and I kept them buried." " You are not a homosexual." "Not you." " Dick, look ..." "I didn't want to tell you, but   it's Gerard." "He won't have me back until I come out." "Gerard!" "Yes." "I found a torch." " You alright, Dick?" " I've just told him." "What?" "Oh god." "It was Howard here who helped me realize my sexuality." "Tiny bit of an exaggeration, Frasier." "Would you pass that bucket?" "Thank you!" "Thank you all so much for coming." " Will you be at the WI this week?" " Yes." "I can't find my coat." "Oh dear, let me look." "(Screaming in background)" "Ivone!" "I just got up to go to the loo." "Everywhere you go there's water in this bloody house!" "Deep breaths Dick." "That's right." "Really deep." "The ambulance is here, but they can't get in." " Why not?" " The gates won't open." " Why not?" " Because they're electric!" "What are We going to do, Howard?" "Angela, please!" "Just give me a second to think." " Well, have you thought of anything?" " No!" " What's happening, Howard?" " The gate's won't open because of the electrics." "Oooooo!" " Honey?" " I'm OK." " It's just a contraction." " Right." "Stay there." "Where are you going?" " What's happened to my car?" " I need to use it as a battering ram ..." "To force the gates open." "But the damage ..." "I'll pay for it!" "I'll pay for it!" "For god's sake, Eve." " You're always thinking of yourself." " There's blood all over it!" " Don't worry!" " Eww, what's this?" "!" "Uh, venison." "Stand back, Eve!" "(Revving car engine)" "(screeching tires)" "(Crashing sound)" "Oh, you alright?" "!" "Open the door!" "Open the door." "Alright, alright, alright." "And that's why we went to San Francisco." "He's kind   and funny." "Well, you know ... top fellow." "Fraser ... please tell me you're the back, not the front." "(Groaning)" "Easy does it, Mel." "Careful!" " About the car." " What now?" "!" " I was talking to a man who was working for an insurance fund." "Yes?" "!" "And he said that in order for my claim to be valid, I need a brief description, no more than 100 words   about what happened, and a map." "So, if you wouldn't mind ..." " Roz!" " Mel!" " Are you okay?" "!" " What happened?" "Well, you got, uh ..." "Look, there's no point in going over old ground." "Are you alright?" "We called an ambulance for you." " I'm fine." "I've a bit of a sore head, but ..." " I'm coming back over." " Oh, don't be silly, Mel!" " I want a home birth, mum!" " I'm having a home birth!" " That's it, honey." "Nice and easy!" "Take it easy!" " What's going on?" " Oh, you talk to her, Dick." "She was over the other side, just about to get into the ambulance   when Roz here appears, and now she's coming back to have a home birth!" " I despair!" "I really do!" "Ooooo!" "Oh ... dear." "Are you alright?" "(Vomiting in background) She's been sick!" "(A thump) Oh, she's passed out again!" "Easy does it, now." "That's it, Mel." "That's it." "That's it, bring your foot there, Honey." "Yup." "Well done." "That's it, that's it." "You're nearly over now." "Nearly over." "Easy does it, now." "The powers back on!" " Oh, Howard!" " You OK?" " Howard, do something!" " Ok, Mel!" "Don't worry, honey!" "She's got to go to the hospital, Howard." "I've spoken to the paramedics." "They're simply not qualified in the event of complications!" "You've got to talk her 'round!" "She won't listen to me!" "Leave it with me." "Oooooo!" "We really ought to go to the hospital, darling." "It's definitely the best idea." "Ooooo!" "I think it's coming!" " What?" "!" "I think the baby's coming!" "Ooooo!" "We'll get you into that ambulance." " You can f*ck the f*ck off right f*cking now, Howard." "I'm f*cking having it here, and if you f*cking think I'm moving one f*cking inch   I'll f*cking cut your f*cking bollocks off." "She's having it here." " OOHH!" "It's coming!" "Where's the medic?" "!" " He's gone to get his equipment!" " OOHH!" "(chuckling) Good night!" "Thity odd years ago, we were sat just like this." "Waiting for Mel to be born." "Yes." "Do you remember ... we're in that pub, just 'round the corner from the hospital." "Oh, we got through some whiskey that night!" "Well, it went on and on, didn't it." "Angela was in labor for 14 hours." "I don't know how we did." "Nor me." "We must of drunk a bottle each." "Then the phone call came through to the pub." "I had to carry you over to the bar." "Frasier." "Hmm?" "I may find the whole notion of what ... you people ... get up to ... pretty unpleasant." "But I want you to understand ... you'll always be my brother." "(Mel Screams) That's it, Mel!" "Take it easy, Mel!" "Everything's going to be fine, Mel!" "Oh my god!" "Oh my god, Mel!" "It's head's coming out!" "Oh god, Mel!" "There it is, Mel!" "It's a .. it's a ... it's a girl!" "Mel, it's a girl!" "It's a girl, Mel!" "It's a girl, Mel!" "She's beautiful, Mel!" "She's beautiful, Mel!" "(Howard's daydreaming)" "Would you like me to finish off the lawn?" "I'd really like to help." "And if Granny were here today ..." "I think she'd be saying, "Let's all look forward to the future with hope."" "Eve's trustworthy, reliable ... exactly the sort of person this company should be looking to employ." "Well, we did it, you and me, working together as a team." "I am going to do that barbecue though, to prove that I'm not a cretin." "Remember, Angela, we'll always be here for you." "We're going to moving into Granny's lovely cottage   have a lovely baby there, and be so happy together." "Here we are, Howard." "So, what names do you like, Howard?" "Well .." "I quite like Patricia, actually." "After my mum." "Oh!" "Or Jane." "Ah." " Or Simone." " Simone?" " Yeah." " What about you, Mel?" "I rather like Emily." "Oh, so do I. Emily, yes." " Well, actually I'm not so .." " No, I like Emily." "Hello, Emily." "We haven't actually decided on a name." "But Angela said it was Emily." "Well, we haven't finally .." "Is Emily ready to receive some more visitors?" " Uh Dick, we haven't actually um ..." " Yes, the more, the merrier." " Oh, I meant to give you this." " Oh, right." "Thank you." "He's been cleared of any charge of sexual harassment." "And they're offering him his job back." " This is a confidential letter, Eve." " Oh, I know." "I couldn't resist it." "Oh, and Cordelia is leaving to get married, so they're keeping me on." " So I'm going to carry on, working for Howard." " Oh, isn't that great, Howard?" " Hmm?" " Eve's working for you again." "The old team, back together." "Yeah. ... great." "We have some more guests for you, Emily." " Oh, Angela ..." " Hello, Emily!" "Oh, Emily!" "What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl!" "And this is from ... from us." "Whooh!" "Aren't you a lucky girl ..." "Emily?" "You know, darling, it was a lovely idea of yours, having a home birth." "It means we all feel part of it." "Thanks, mom." "But you will have the next one in hospital, won't you darling?" "Dick, I've been meaning to bring up the subject of your CBE." "Well, what of it?" "It's just, well ... you didn't lose it." "It got barbecued   by me." "Well, don't worry Howard." "You've just given me the best gift of all." "Uh, and I mean I know it's not ideal, but uh ..." "Well, I've had it restored by a professional restorer, and he's actually done a pretty good job." "I mean I thought you might like it anyway."