"Go fuck yourself, you son of a bitch." "Bastard!" "The Lord is my shepherd." "I shall not want." "Hallowed be thy name." "Thy kingdom come." "Thy will be done, you fuck!" "Give us this day our daily bread, as we forgive those who trespass against us." "Jesus, Jesus the Nazarene." "Jesus, the nazarene." "Go to hell." "Go to hell." "Go to hell." "Hell!" "Hell!" "Hell!" "Hell!" "Hell!" "Hell!" "Jim, you're not going to waste the whole day lying around, are you?" "Ma, I'm up." "The loony alarm went off." "Well, close the blinds." "Don't look at her and don't listen to her." "How could I not?" "Jesus the Nazarene." "Mary the whore." "Mary the hairdresser." "Mary the hairdresser." "Our Father, Who art..." "Hey, lady!" "Shut up!" "When I was young, about 8 or so," "I tried making friends with God..." "By inviting him to my house to watch the World Series." "He never showed." "Too bad, Father." "I was just starting to enjoy myself." "We can do it again tomorrow if you like, Mr. Carroll." "You okay, Jim?" "Does it hurt?" "You want to rub it for him, Pedro?" "Jim, give it a rest." "You'll never beat him." "The guy's a pervert." "Did you hear him?" ""We can do it again tomorrow if you like, Mr. Carroll."" "Let's cut out of here." "Come on." "# I was born in a pool #" "# They made my mother stand #" "# I spat on that surgeon #" "# And his trembling hand #" "# When I felt the light #" "# I was worse than bored #" "# I stole a doctor's scalpel #" "# And I slit the cord #" "# I was a Catholic boy #" "# I was redeemed through pain #" "# Not through joy #" "# I was two months early #" "# They put me under glass #" "# I screamed and cursed their children #" "# When the nurses passed #" "# I was convicted of theft #" "# As I slid from the womb #" "# They led me straight from my mother #" "# To a cell in the tombs #" "# I was a Catholic boy #" "# Redeemed through pain #" "# Not through joy #" "# They starved me for weeks #" "# They thought they'd teach me fear #" "# I fed on cellmates' dreams #" "# It gave me fine ideas #" "# When they cut me loose #" "# The time had served me well #" "# I'd made allies in heaven #" "# Comrades in hell #" "# I was a Catholic child #" "# The blood ran red #" "# The blood ran wild # #" "Why, you little prick!" "This is my new..." "Shit, guys, gotta get outta here." "I threw up on somebody." "I'll get ya!" "You little prick!" "I'll fucking throw you in the fucking river if I catch ya..." "Hey!" "What about the four of us versus Wilt Chamberlain?" "He was the greatest of all time." "Four of us?" "What are you gonna do, Pedro?" "Tie his shoes together when he ain't looking?" "All right..." "How'bout the three versus Wilt Chamberlain?" "No problem." "You're kidding, right, Mickey?" "No." "He can't cover all of us at the same time." "You guys don't miss open jumpers." "And you know who will be there for the rebounds." "Rebounds?" "That freak is, like, 7 feet tall." "Jim, I can rebound with anybody." "You're sniffing too much of that shit, that's what you're doing." "Chamberlain would destroy all of us." "End of story." "Alright." "All we got to do is move the ball around." "There's no way we don't win." "Will you tell this kid?" "Hey, Mickey, I think you could beat him yourself." "I don't think you need us." "Perfect example... confidence." "I know I could beat him." "Holy shit!" "Look at this place." "I tell you what, if our school was this nice," "I'd go more than once a week." "You?" "We got a game today, gentlemen." "Who's ready to play some roundball?" "I said, who's ready to play some ball?" "You give me that laid-back," ""I'm doing my own thing, Jack" attitude out there today, and you're going to find yourself watching the game from the bench." "No smoking, Iggy..." "stunts your growth." "You want to be big and strong like me, don't you?" "Out." "No smoking, and no pulling your peckers before a game." "Swifty, do you mind?" "I'm taking a dump." "Get outta here!" "Something die in there?" "When we play our game so Pedro vomits on his head, right?" "It goes all over his hair, trickles down his neck." "Some gets in his eye." "He went nuts..." "Don't lie about it, either." "What are you doing?" "We're signing a ball for Bobby." "Can I sign?" "Yeah." ""We're holding your spot for you, kid." "Swifty."" "All right." "This one's for Bobby." "All right." "Who's better than we are?" "Nobody!" "Alright!" "Go ahead." "Do some warm-ups." "Pedro, you're in charge." "You're my eyes and ears." " Hey, Jim?" " Yeah?" "That's a nice thing you're doing for Bobby." "Oh, thanks." "Thanks." "You seen Neutron?" "I think he's talking to a scout from Saint John's, as a matter of fact, upstairs." "You want to play college ball, don't you?" "Yeah." "Someday, I hope." "You know." "Yeah." "Scouts are sniffing you out already." "They like them young." "I'll tell you what." "You come by sometime, and we'll go over the schools together." "Yeah." "All right." "Yeah." "We'll get a pizza, and we'll make a night of it." "Um... actually, my nights are kind of busy right now." "Yeah." "Homework and all, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "We were the hottest Catholic high school team in New York City, on our way to the championship." "We felt like nothing could stop us." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "We're on our way." "We're on our way." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Hands up." "Show me some defense." "Show me some defense." "Good steal." "Put it in." "Put it in." "Yeah!" "All right." "All right." "Way to go." "Aw, geez." "All right, Neutron." "Yes!" "Yes!" "To the hole, Jim." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "What's going on?" "Break it up!" "Come on." "Hit him!" "Beat that motherfucker!" " Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " He fucking held me!" "This dude blows the whistle..." "Slow it down!" "Slow it down!" "You got to have presence on the court... presence like a cheetah rather than a chimp." "They both got it, but chimpy got to jump his nuts around all day to get it." "Shy cheetah just moves in total nonchalance a sec or two in his sexy, slow strut." "Me, I play like a cheetah." "Let's go, Rangers..." "Let's go!" "Let's go, Rangers, let's go!" "Yeah!" "Ooh!" "You got it!" "It's ours." "It's ours." "Oh!" "Yeah!" "9, 8, 7," "6, 5," "4, 3," "2, 1!" "Yay, Jim!" "Oh, shit." "That's my team!" "That's my team!" "There's only two things Swifty forbids... using the word "motherfucker"" "and stealing from the other team, as long as they're white." "How much for that group of winners over there?" "It's $34.90." "$34.90?" "Changed the prices or something?" "No." "Uh..." "I'm a little short." "Do me a favor." "Here." "Take my watch, and I'll come back later with the rest of the money." "No." "What do you mean, no?" "I'm sorry, sir." "Those burgers are worth more than the watch is." "I'll be right back." "I told you one burger each, didn't I?" "It takes at least eight of these to get filled up." "Yeah." "C'mon, Swifty." "We're growing boys." "Growing boys?" "We're hungry motherfuckers." "Funny, huh?" "I'm not driving you guys home." "How's that for laughs?" "You ripped them off, didn't you?" "We're even now." "Swifty, come on." "How are we going to get home?" "Face the music, pricks." "What are we going to do?" "They got the door blocked off." "You afraid of these pussies?" "I ain't afraid of anybody." "What's the problem?" "I'm going to ask you this once." "All right?" "Where's the stuff you stole from me?" "What are you talking about?" "No, no, no." "You're not going to fuck with me, all right?" "Now, somebody stole my father's ring from my locker, motherfucker." "You want me to cut you?" "Is that what you want, there?" "There's no problem here." "Hey, guys!" "Let's get out of here, c'mon!" "You need a fucking army, huh?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Oh." "Nice." "That from Bobo?" "Ha ha ha!" "That's his father's ring." "Hey, fellas." "Any of you looking for a date?" "Yeah." "Me, sweetheart." "Little horsy ride in Central Park, maybe candlelight dinner?" "Why don't we skip right to dessert, huh, baby?" "About $15?" "Fifteen bucks?" "I'll give you a quarter." "Let Pedro suck your tits." "You don't have to be rude." "Oh, I'm sorry." "How about you, handsome, huh?" "You got $15... for a little head?" "Diane, do I look like I need to pay for it?" "Yeah... you do." "If it's worth it." "Jimmy..." "Jimmy, I know you want some, honey." "$15." "I'll do you so good you'll never forget it, baby." "Hey, hey!" "Ooh!" "That's a deal." "Bargain from there." "What do you say, guys?" "You want to do it?" "All four of us?" " Yeah." " It's a deal." "All four of us." "Aw, shit." "This is all I got, Diane." "Here, have a pretzel." " Get out of here." " Beat it." "Yeah, fuck you!" "Fucking dopehead." "You see what that shit does to you?" "Wow." "Speaking of dopeheads, is that Pedro's mother over there slinging her wares again?" "It is!" "Hey, Peepee, where you going?" "Why do you have to be such an asshole all the time, huh?" "Why is the little shoe crying anyway?" "His mother's a sneaker." "His father's a loafer." "Somebody's got to be a heel." "Jim, where you going?" "Hey, Jim!" "Jim." "Hey." "Hey, man." "What's up?" "You don't recognize me with my new hairdo?" "It's nice." "It's nice." "I like it." "What's going on?" " How are you?" " Good." "Wow." "Look at that." "You like it?" "Yeah, I'll tell you what." "When you get out of here, we'll all shave our heads and look like a gang of skinheads." "It's a deal." "All right." "I got something for you here." "Yeah." "Everyone on the team." "Look right here..." "even Swifty signed it." "Thanks, man." "You remember when I dunked on that spade in Riverside Park?" "You always had good ups." "Yeah." "Oh." "I got something to show you." "Hold on." "What?" "Pedro got these out of some lady's purse." " She's doing it with a donkey." " Oh, Jesus!" "Look at that schlong." "Look at that one." "Oh, I beat your record." "How many times you choke it?" "Seven times." "Bullshit." "Seven times." "My mom thinks I have a cold year-round because of all the tissues around the house." "You can keep those if you want." "They're pumping so much junk in me," "I can't even get a decent chubby." "I got an idea." "Come on." "Let's go." "Where we going?" "I'm getting you out of this place, man." "C'mon!" "What are you, crazy, man?" "I can't go anywhere." "Here you go." "I've known Bobby since I was 3." "He's my best friend." "He was the best player on our basketball team." "Two years ago, he got leukemia." "He keeps fighting it off." "I know Bobby's going to beat it." "He could beat anything." "Watch!" "Jim, you're going to kill me, man." "If you let go, I swear..." "I swear I'll kill you, man." "Watch the bump!" "What the hell happened to forty deuce?" "Last time I was here, that theater was playing Sperminator II." "Oh, yeah." "I remember that." "No, man." "This whole block has been done over by all these new artists." "It's pretty cool, huh?" "Yeah." "They should put your stuff up there." "Yeah." "Right." "Still scribbling stuff in that notebook of yours, ain't you?" "Of course." "You bring anything for me?" "What, like to read?" "No, like to eat." "What do you think?" "Yeah." "I mean, I got this, but it's not a big deal." "I don't even remember writing it, to tell you the truth." "Yeah, Yeah." "I'll be the judge of this." ""Little kids shoot marbles" ""where branches break the sun" ""into graceful shafts of light." "I just want to be pure." "All right." "# What a life #" "Nothing like the real thing to float your boat, huh, Bobby?" "# What a life #" "# Didn't know where, didn't know when... #" "That's nice." "# Said that I'll go..." "go learn #" "# Put up my hand, wait my turn #" "# But it never comes, I have to shout out #" "# That's life #" "# And that's what it's all about #" "# So through the comfort and the strife #" "# What a life... #" "Get me out of here, Jim." "What are you talking about, man?" "This was a stupid idea." "I don't feel so good." "Well, can we wait till the end of the show?" "Did you hear what I said?" "I said get me the hell out of here!" "Hey, Bob, man..." "I'm really sorry, you know?" "Next time, we'll go somewhere..." "Ain't gonna be no next time, Jim." "I love it this way... my feet against the tar, which is soft from the spring heat, the slight breeze that runs across your entire body, especially your crotch." "You feel an incredible power being naked under a dome of stars while a giant city is dressed, dodging cars all around you five flights down." "I don't think of anything while I'm doing the actual tugging, least of all the heavy sex fantasies I have to resort to indoors." "Just my own naked self and the stars breathing down, and it's beautiful." "Time sure flies when you're young and jerking off." ""Camp summer position." "Driver... taxi."" "Hey, that might be good." "You could get your license this summer." "Oh, yeah, Mom." "That sounds really great." "Hey, get your own job, and if you don't get it this summer, you're coming to work with me at the hotel." "Mom, please." "Why are you so worried about this?" "Do I even ask you for money?" "No." "I'm not worried about the money." "I want you to have responsibility." "I don't want you running around the streets of New York." "Idle time is the devil's plaything, Jim." "The devil's plaything, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "That might be a cool title for my first book." "Thanks!" "What are you talking about?" "What are you writing?" "Here." "Ooh." "Um..." "Ma, I'm not really that hungry this morning, alright?" " Come on." "You got to eat something." " I know..." "Where you going?" "I'm going to shoot some hoops." "Sometimes I feel like something's chasing me, like there's some whacko on a roof somewhere who could snuff me out at any moment." "And I feel this horrible fear." "Will I have time to finish..." "The poems breaking loose in my head?" "Hey, white boy, you ready for your beating?" "Don't let your mouth get you into something your ass can't handle." "I'll shoot you for it." "So it's going to be like that, huh?" "I... don't think so." "Yeah!" "All right, so you made one." "Big deal." "You made one shot." "Make another." "# The days are muzzled in a vibe #" "# I swing back from time to time #" "# There's a Camaro, rusty red #" "# That all my best friends drive in #" "# Can you smell the summer air?" "#" "# Take me where they left the light on #" "# Getting close, almost there #" "# If that fuzzy silver badge #" "# Don't greet us there #" "# My head's dizzy, and I'm taking... # #" "Yo, Jim!" "What's the score?" "Come on." "We got to go." "They don't keep score in this game." "Jim, come on." "We're losing the sun." "He's being a dick." "You want me to put a charge in his ass?" "Whatch this." "Oh, look it, right here..." "Jim's secret diary he's always writing in." "Bet you he wrote some shit about me." "Oh, right here." ""Spring..." "Mickey."" "Hey, there I am, Jim says." ""Mickey takes out a bottle of carbonic cleaning fluid and suggests we do a little sniffing to get high."" "Whoo!" ""After four deep whiffs, we're sailing someplace else."" "Mickey, what are you doing?" ""Bells ringing through my ears, little lights flashing through my eyes."" "Mickey, put that down, all right?" ""I pictured myself" ""paddling across a river with black water," ""only the canoe was going backwards instead of forwards," ""with clouds that had faces." "Laughing, spooky, fun-house laughs..."" " Give it back, alright?" " What is that shit?" "Why do you have to be such a schmuck, Mickey?" "What are you talking about?" "Don't you ever touch that again." "It's private." "What's your problem?" "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "He's writing about me, I can't read about it?" "Jesus!" "Hey, Jim, come on." "We're gone." "Yo, we got a cab!" "Hey, cabby!" "Hey, swami!" "So, Shakespeare, you going to finish the game?" "C'mon, Reggie, you know this game never ends." "See you later, all right?" "Every crowd has its little games to prove if you're a punk or not." "My cousin in Jersey plays chickie, which is two cars heading towards each other at about 80 miles per hour." "First driver to swerve out of the way is, of course, chicken." "In Brooklyn, they make you press a lit cigarette into your arm and have it burn all the way down to the filter without the slightest flinch." "Us, Manhattan boys, we jump off cliffs into the Harlem River, which is literally shitty, because half a million toilets flush into it every day." "Whoo-oo!" "Yeah!" "Oooh!" "Yeah!" "Hey, y'all, I carried the clothes up, but I ain't carrying them down." "Peepee, this is you... all 33 pounds of you, gone with the wind." "Wow." "That's a long way down." "Devil's toe is no big deal." "We've all done it a million times." "I never done it." "You never did it?" "Pedro, you never do nothing." "You know who was awesome on this rock?" "Bobby." "That kids would do back flips off this rock." "Hey, Mickey." "What?" "Don't talk about him like he's dead." "He's not dead." "There goes the circle line." "Check it out." "Whoo!" "Full moon!" "Whoo!" "Hey, yo!" "Whoo!" "Hey, circle this!" "Hey, I'm going." "Watch out, watch out..." "I'm going to show you how to do it." "Ye-ea-ah!" "That was a good jump." "Oh, he's nuts." "Hey, I'm going to walk down." "What you talking about?" "You can't walk down." "There's no way to walk down." "I ain't jumping." "Pedro, your clothes are down there." "How you gonna get your clothes?" "You going to walk around naked all day?" "Pedro, if you don't jump, Mickey's going to tease you so bad..." "You might as well just jump and get it over with." "Feel better." "What the hell, right?" "Oh... shit..." "Pedro!" "Bad form." "Bad form." "Oh..." "My God!" "Oh, shit." "Is he all right?" "Pedro, you all right?" "You ready?" "Yeah." "Listen, don't tell the other guys, but when we leave here, I got a surprise for you." "Tell me what it is." "It's a surprise." "Trust me, all right?" "Ouch, don't mess around, man..." "Alright, you ready?" "Come on!" "You ready?" " Let's jump." " On three." "Ready?" "Uh-huh." "1, 2," "3." "Come on." "Let's go." "What's up, Manny?" "How you doing?" "Fine." "Thank you, sir." "This is my friend Jim." "How you doing?" "I can't believe I hit my head on that rock." "It's killing me." "Jim, um, this is Winkie." " Hi." " How you doing?" "Good." "And this... this is Blinkie." " Hi." " Hi." "# I lost my heart #" "# Under the bridge #" "# That little girl... #" "I've seen you play ball, Jim." "You're a very beautiful player." "Very zen." "# And now I moan #" "# And now I holler #" "# She'll never know #" "# Just what I found #" "# That blue-eyed girl # it'll make you fuck like Superman." "# She said no more #" "Faster than a speeding bullet..." "# Became blue-eyed whore... #" "More powerful than a locomotive..." "# Down by the water #" "# Down by the water... #" "Able to, um..." "I can't think of anything with a single bound." "# See her again #" "# See her again... #" "Do you have any protection?" "Yeah." "This one's, uh, ribbed for extra pleasure." "So what are you waiting for?" "What do you mean?" "Take off your clothes." "Well, uh... could we shut off the lights first?" "# Little fish, big fish #" "# Swimming in the water #" "# Come back here, man #" "# Give me my daughter #" "# Little fish, big fish #" "# Swimming in the water # #" "White ship disappears in the wave machine this morning." "Your eyes got shut with secret chains that pillow armies eventually set free... like soft horses through toy deserts." "I love this mansion, though it's too many windows... to open halfway each morning... to close halfway each night." "I looked at his body, and it was death for the first time." "His face was thin and wrinkled, almost apelike." "His hair, just gray patches on his scalp." "He looked 60 years old, and he was 16." "Couldn't believe how skinny he was... much skinnier than he was in the hospital." "It was like having the skeleton of someone you knew put right in front of you." "I felt dazed, like I'd just come out of a four-hour movie I didn't understand." "I kept thinking about his face... and death... what a cheat the whole thing was." "Hey, you guys remember that Halloween when Bobby filled that paper bag with dog shit, lit it on fire and put it outside Father Dunne's door, and we all hid behind the dumpster?" "Yeah." "I could picture Father Dunne comming outside, stepping on that shit." "Picture him in the john..." "Scraping the shit off his shoe like this." "You think that'll keep him out of heaven?" "Are you kidding?" "Jesus Christ himself would have laughed at that." "It was hilarious!" "What about the time at the formal when Bobby got caught in the bathroom with Mary Ann Dugan and McNulty came in and busted him?" "He was, like, "Father, I swear." "We weren't doing anything."" "Meanwhile she's got a giant wad of cum hanging off her face." "I tell you, that kid was definitely a pisser." "It was weird seeing him today, man." "He was all shriveled up and wrinkled." "He looked like my grandfather." "I'll tell you what, though." "That kid was in so much pain, it's better off he died." "How the hell would you know, Mickey?" "Did you go and visit him?" "Huh?" "Any of you guys go and visit him?" "All right." "Then shut the fuck up." "Hey, Jim." "Look at my brother's girlfriend in the park." "She's sitting there, eating a sandwich." "Next thing you know, she's shot in the head." "She's dead." "It's over." "What about little Teddy Rayhill?" "Perfect example." "Remember that night he was up on the roof, and he was doing poppers, having a great time, laughing his ass off" "He started walking backwards..." "Boom!" "He fell right off the goddamn roof." "It was meant to be, right?" "Fuck that, you guys!" "Bobby was the best fucking guy around, you know that?" "What are you, a bunch of idiots?" "You don't even understand, do you?" "Jim, you all right?" "Huh?" "Listen, maybe you should talk to one of the priests." "I don't know." "Maybe..." "Maybe they can help you out." "Help me out?" "I wouldn't ask one of those cocksuckers for directions." "You know what?" "You guys need to lighten the fuck up, all right?" "Let bygones be fucking bygones." "Shitty fucking world." "Live life to the fucking fullest." "You know what I mean?" "Shit happens, man." "Shit fucking happens." "Come on." "Let's go." "Jim, come on." "You're growing up, and rain sort of remains on the branches of a tree that will someday rule the earth." "And that's good that there's rain." "Clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions." "And it clears the streets of the silent armies so we can dance." "# Ted sniffing glue He was 12 years old #" "# Fell from the roof on east 2-9 #" "# Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug # # 26 reds and a bottle of wine #" "# Bobby had leukemia, 14 years old #" "# He looked like 65 when he died #" "# He was a friend of mine #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# They were all my friends #" "# They just died #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# Those are people who died, died #" "# They were all my friends and they died # #" "Did I ever tell you about the first time I did heroin?" "I went down to Pedro's basement." "All sorts of characters were in the storage-room shooting gallery." "I was just going to sniff a bag, but a guy says," ""If you're going to sniff, might as well pop it, and if you're going to pop it, might as well mainline."" "I was scared of needles, but I gave in." "It was like a long heat wave through my body." "Any ache or pain or sadness or guilty feeling was completely flushed out." "Look, Ma, I'm not in the mood for your dime-store psychology, all right?" "Could you just please leave me alone?" "I got a little sick, all right?" "We're not going to live like this, Jim." "We're not going to live like this." "I'm warning you!" "I'm telling you." "Oh, God, Mom." "You're always warning me, aren't you?" "Blah, blah, blah." "You're always in my fucking ear." "Blah, blah, blah." "You don't know anything." "What are you talking about?" "Go clean toilets or whatever the hell it is you do." "When you're done, clean this one." "Don't talk like that!" "What's the matter with you?" "Gee whiz, Ma, you know... we got to have these heart-to-heart talks more often." "They're really good for us." "I don't know you." "I don't believe this is you, Jim." "Please, Jim." "I don't know who you are." "Yeah, I know." "I was such a good little boy, right... with such potential, wasn't that it?" "Is that what you're going to say?" "Oh, Jim." "What's happening?" "Jim, what's happening?" "First, it's a Saturday-night thing, and you feel cool, like a gangster or a rock star." "It's just something to kill the boredom, you know?" "They call it a chippie, a small habit." "It feels so good, you start doing it on Tuesdays, then Thursdays." "Then it's got you." "Every wise-ass punk on the block says it won't happen to them, but it does." "Go do it!" "I ain't doing it." "I always do it!" "I'll do it." "I'll do it." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Could you tell me the fastest way to the subway?" "Yeah." "That's the "B" train." "Go to this corner and make a left." "It's right there." "What are you doing?" "Let go!" "Let go!" "Let go of that!" "Oh, my God!" "What?" "Oh!" " Help!" "No!" "No!" " What are you doing?" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "I don't feel like going in today." "Father, is it all right if I don't go in today?" "Why?" "What are you scared of?" "Nothing." "I just don't feel like it, that's all." "I imagine you have more to confess than anybody here." "Unburden yourself." "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "It's been about four months since my last confession." "Yes, my son?" "Well, I don't know where to start, Father." "Have you taken the name of Jesus Christ in vain?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I have." "Have you disrespected your mother and father?" "Uh-huh." "Have you stolen or cheated your fellow man?" "Yeah, but I'm not proud of it." "Have you had impure thoughts or engaged in impure deeds?" "Oh, Father, you have no idea." "Is there something else that you want to tell me in your own words?" "I've done all kinds of crazy shit." "Oh, excuse me, Father." "Fuck, I'm s..." "Christ, I have a dirty mouth." "Look, I'm..." "I'm sorry about that." "Will you just go on?" "10 Hail Marys, five Our Fathers." "What do you mean?" "And that's it?" "That's my punishment?" "You know something?" "My friend Bobby, he was the best, and he's dead." "This sucks!" "You know that?" "This really sucks." "It's not fair, Father." "Your nose is running, your stomach cramps, your legs feel like they've played six straight games on top of each other, and the voice is always there in the back of your head..." ""Just one more time." "Then we'll stop."" "Quick to the ball." "Quick to the ball." "Two hands." "Good, Ignatius." "Good." "Good." "Quick to the ball." "Two hands." "Right behind you." "Sir, all right if I use the bathroom, Coach?" "Jim, you got a bladder like a woman." "Let's go." "Again." "There we go." "Right behind him." "Right behind him." "Quick to the ball." "Two hands." "Two hands." "Jim?" "I thought you were taking a piss." "Oh." "What are you doing in here every practice?" "Have you been waiting for me, Jim?" "Giving me some kind of a signal?" "What are you talking about, Swifty?" "Don't act surprised." "Do we understand each other?" "It's not going to happen, Swifty." "Put the money away." "You want more?" "Here." "Just let me do it." "Get the fuck out of my face!" "Take it easy, Jim." "You can't blame me for trying." "I made a mistake, all right?" "Let's just pretend it never happened." "Things will go back to exactly how they were before." "Okay?" "Okay?" "Here, keep the money." "Keep the money." "Just don't tell anybody, all right?" "Good." "Tell anybody you want!" "Nobody's going to believe a drughead like you, anyway." "You think we don't know what you've been doing?" "Give me the fucking money and get the fuck out of here." "Get the fuck..." "Get the fuck out here!" "Come on!" "Get out of here!" "And you want to stop." "You really do." "But it's like a dream." "You can't stop dreams." "They move in crazy pieces, any way they want to, and suddenly, you're capable of anything." "Ha ha ha!" "No!" "Wake up, Mr. Carroll!" "It's later than you think." "Oh." "All right!" " I need a lift." " All right." "What do you got?" "Three different pills." "Which are the ups?" "I never asked." "I thought one of youse would know." "Oh, great." "We look like pharmacists?" "I don't know what to take." "What do we take?" "Let me see." "The blacks and the reds are the ups." "I think the pink ones are the ups." "Why?" "'Cuz I associate pink with lightness, you know?" "The black ones seem like they'd knock you on your ass." "They might be faded seconals." "No, they're not faded." "They'd be sticky." "They're not." "That's bullshit." " Fuck your mother." " My what?" "All right!" "Calm down." "Don't ever talk about my mother." "Don't ever hit me like that again." "Come on!" "Alright!" "Give me your hat." "We got a game to play, alright?" "Just give me something." "Hi, Neutron." "Let me ask him." "Neutron, you know which ones are the ups?" "I think you should put that shit away before Swifty comes in here." "Why you acting like such a square ass?" "Screw you, Mickey." "Screw you, too, Tough guy." "Man." "I'm just going to take the black." "You sure?" "Mm-hmm." "You got a better idea?" "Nope." "Your guess is as good as mine, Jimbo." "It's on today." "50 rebounds." "Good." "Come on." "Let's go." "I'm your friend now, right?" "What, I got to smack you again, c'mon!" "Yeah, take your little rat with you." " What's up, man?" " Hey, what's up?" "Why are you acting like that?" "You know what's wrong." "Used to be about getting high and playing basketball." "Now it's just about getting high with you." "You're blowing it, Jim." "Oh, come on." "I don't need to hear this from you, Neutron." "Yeah, you do, Jim!" "Listen, no, Jim!" "I'm really proud of you, man." "Everything's cool." "You look great." "I'll see you in the NBA." "# Riders on the storm #" "# Riders on the storm #" "# Into this house we're born #" "# Into this world we're thrown #" "# Like a dog without a bone #" "# In fact we're all alone #" "# Riders on the storm #" "# There's a killer on the road #" "# His brain is squirming like a toad #" "# Take a long holiday #" "# Let your children play #" "# If you give this man a ride #" "# Sweet family will die #" "# Killer on the road #" "# Yeah # #" "Did you find it?" "No, Father." "It's clean." "There's no drugs in there." "Thank you, Officer." "I told you we didn't have nothing." "You boys think you're awfully smart, don't you?" "Well, you're both suspended for a week!" "Ooh..." "And you'll never play basketball here again." "That you can count on." "You can't kick me off the team, Swifty." "Oh?" "Why is that?" "'Cause I quit the team... and the school and this whole faggot-ass scene, that's why." "I could second that motion." "Your resignations are accepted!" "Neutron, you coming with us?" "Huh?" "Yeah." "That's what I figured." "Come on, man." "I'm fucking out of here." "Don't worry, Swifty." "I'm not going to rat you out." "And in the next life, Father," "I'm going to have the paddle!" "Get out!" "Thanks a lot, Neutron." "Thanks, man." "I can't believe this, you know?" "I know." "What happened to the pills?" "We got kicked out of the school, Mickey." "Who cares, man?" "We lost the pills." "The cops took them..." "We can't play ball anymore." "Jim, who cares about school, man?" "We just lost $40 worth of pharmaceuticals." "I know what happened to them, too." "The cops, they take that all the time." "They either pop them themselves or they sell them." "What's my mom going to say, man?" "When I go home?" "She ain't gonna say nothing." "You just tell her you're going to school every day in the morning." "Let's get out of here, man..." "Go get into something." "You never sold any pills at the schoolyard?" "No." "So it's all a big conspiracy against you." "Right, Jim?" "Yeah." "Maybe it is." "Maybe it's not." "You been missing these?" "What are you going to tell me..." "they're vitamins?" "Oh, fuck you, Ma." "What?" "!" "Get out of my house!" "Oh, is that what you want, Ma?" "Get out!" "You don't talk to me that way!" "If that's what you want, I'm fucking out of here." "All right?" "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving!" "What do you think?" "I wan you to take all your shit!" "I'll help you." "Here!" "You want me to leave?" "Yes." "Get out!" "I'm out of here." "Get the fuck out of my way!" "This garbage is going to kill you, Jim!" "I'm gone!" "Gonna to kill you!" "Don't you understand?" "I can't watch you kill yourself?" "Ma, you're never going to fucking see me again, alright?" "Just remember that." "Don't say that, Jim." "Don't say that!" "It was a dream, not a nightmare... a beautiful dream I could never imagine in a thousand nods." "I saw this girl next to me who wasn't beautiful until she smiled," "and I felt that smile come at me and heat waves following, soaking through my body and out my fingertips in shafts of color." "And I knew somewhere in the world... somewhere..." "that there was love for me." "We just got to raise enough cash to keep our heads straight." "Luckily, finding money in New York is like getting laid at the prom... easy." " Fuck it, Pedro!" " What's the matter with you?" "Jesus!" "Watch the road." "You could kill us all, c'mon!" "I get 1,500 bucks for this car." "If it's whacked up, it's worth nothing." "We should buy shit in bulk, man" "We'll put it on the street and make real money." "That's 500 bucks a piece." "We'll be on for days, nights, weeks." "Yeah, man." "I'd love to go to Puerto Rico, soak up some rays, you know?" "See my bitch?" "That's what I'd like to do." " What are you talking about?" " What bitch?" "We haven't seen a picture or nothing." "She's 500 pounds, Jim." "She got a mustache thicker than her father." "No." "That's your mother, Mickey." "She does not exist." "Don't fool yourself." "Be careful." "I'm about to whack." "Oh, shit, man." "My brother's going to take care of us and this car." "Pedro, wake the fuck up!" "Pedro, come on, man!" "You're going to get us killed, what are you doing?" "I got it, man." "You want me to drive?" "Mickey, you better drive the car." "I'm serious, man." "Just don't blow my high." "If there's a scratch in the car, my brother'll kill me." "Yo, get out of the booth!" "Get out the booth, huh?" "Get out." "Fucking..." "What's up?" "What's up?" "Come on, I'm in a hurry." "Where's the car?" "It's good to see you, too." "It's over here." "It's nice." "It's smokin'." "You tell me that?" "It's everything you wanted." "Get your hands off." "You guys look like shit." "Oh, my God." "They're taking the car." "Show me the sign, man!" "Show me the freaking sign!" "It's right there." "You see?" "It says "tow-away." Huh?" "You scumbags even read?" "I should kick all your punk asses!" "Goddamn it!" "I can get you another car tonight." "Yeah?" "John Halligan is waiting for this car." "I got him out of bed with his wife." "You know how this makes me fucking look?" "Kenny, get off." "You're too stupid to be my brother!" "You're too stupid!" "You want a piece of me, Carroll?" "Back off!" "Back off!" " Kenny, no more!" " Mr. Tough Guy." " Kenny, no more!" " Huh?" "Tough guy?" "Give me a sip of your soda." "You wipe off the bottle before you take a sip?" "You don't even think twice about sharing works with Mickey." "You think you'll catch something from the bottle you're not catch from a needle?" "You mistake me for somebody who gives a shit." "Headquarters..." "home on and off to every down-and-out junkie and wino from 14th Street to the Bowery." "It's like a fucking all-star team." "Jimmy, the other day, my mother's been ragging on me," ""Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." ""You've tried every other way." "Go to church." "Put yourself in Christ's hands."" "So I do it, man." "I figure, give it a shot." "I dig Jesus." "So, I go, man." "High mass..." "a choir and everything." "The first thing I see on the right, the side altar, are those little candles in the red glass that we used when it was windy in the park to cook up." "And then, this altar boy, he's coming down the aisle with this 6-foot candle." "I envision this huge spoon above it, man, with, like, shopping bags full of dope inside of it." "And then the kicker comes, man." "The priest, he starts doing the thing with the incense." "You know, starts wafting out." "I'm in the back." "It finally hits me." ""Where do I know this smell from, man?" "My room, man."" "It's the smell exactly of really primo dope cooking up." "Yeah?" "Exactly the same." "So what happened next?" "At that point, I split." "I went home," "I went inside my closet," "I got my stash out of the inside pocket of my sharkskin easter suit, and I got stoned." "Ba bing... ba bang." "I love a ritual." "Oh, Mary, if you can hear me..." "I need you to fill Jim's heart with love because he really needs it now." "Oh, God... please watch over my son." "He needs you now." "Just take care of him, okay?" "I'll be okay." "I love you, Jim." "I love you." "Hey, you holding?" "You straight, man?" "Get out of here." "Come on." "No." "Hey, have you seen Falco?" "Come on, man." "Are you holding anything?" "Hey, Diane..." "Come here, Diane." " I'll take care of you, babe." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "How about some of this?" "Ha ha!" "I wouldn't do you for a bag, you fucking piece of shit." "Jim." "Jimmy." "You're looking good." "Who's your embalmer?" "I want some of what you got." "Shh." "Check everything in this place." "Wow." "I always wanted to use these syrup pumps." "And these professional ice-cream scoopers." "Oh, my God." "Don't make me do it!" "I'll do it!" "I swear to God!" "Jim, watch out." "Come on!" "It's not opening." "They don't make them like this anymore." "You got to get it from the side." "I got it!" "Oh, cool." "Change!" "Shit!" "Let's get out of here." "It's locked." "We got to go out the back." "Pedro, let's get out of here!" "What am I, hallucinating here?" "Pedro, you'll get us caught." "The cops are going to come." "Oh, you want to be tough, huh?" "Go ahead... take another sip so I can blow your fucking head all over the counter!" "Go ahead, Pedro!" "Go ahead!" "Come on, guys!" "Let's go." "Put that gun away!" "Don't fuck with me, motherfucker!" "What the hell are you doing, Mickey?" "What the hell did you do that for?" "Let that little spic rot, man!" "He'll get us caught." "Jim, the cops are coming." "Come on!" "Jim!" "Jim!" "Pedro!" "Pedro!" "Jim!" "Freeze!" "Freeze!" "On your stomach!" "On your stomach!" "I didn't do anything, I'm telling you!" "This is it, man." "That Jew got to keep the money under his pillow." "Hey, Jim, I know you're still mad about Pedro." "I couldn't do nothing, man." "He was going to get us caught." "Definitely shouldn't have went that far." "What happened to you?" "Your mother kick your ass?" "Yeah, real funny." "Bring us a couple of Cokes, will you?" "You all right?" "Hey, bartender, move out of the way." "Jim, I'm getting sick." "I got to get some money to cop." "Jim." "You with me here?" "What the hell are you wa..." "Oh, shit." "That's Neutron." "That's the all-American high school game?" "We could have played in that game." "Who gives a shit?" "Come on." "I'm waiting to hear back on a scholarship from Saint John's..." "I'm not sure about it, but hopefully it will work out." "Jim, I'm starting to jones." "Gotta get out there." "We need some money." "Jim, don't dwell on these dreams, man." "Will you come on?" "Meet you outside, man." "I'm getting sick." "You want to meet me out there?" "Is it okay if I say hi to my mom?" "Hi, Mom." " Thanks." " Thanks a lot." "# You don't know it, but you're coming right along #" "# Please be strong #" "# You don't know it, but you're coming right along # #" "Hey, you!" "Stop!" "You can't go in there!" "Stop!" "What do you want?" "You realize what time it is?" "Yeah." "Um... is Winkie and Blinkie here?" "Who the hell are Winkie and Blinkie?" "Hey, guys." "Lisa, Mel, you know this boy?" "No, Daddy." "Come on." "All right." "Come on." "Get out of here." " I'm sorry, Mr. Rubin." "He got past me." " Don't let it happen again." "It won't happen again." "Get out of here!" "What?" "What?" "Asshole." "Hey, fuck-up, get fucking up, man!" " What's your problem, man?" " What's YOUR problem, mam?" "You sold my girlfriend some shit the other day." "You almost killed her." "What was it... rat poison?" "It's not my fault your girl can't handle her drugs." "I want my fucking $20 back, man." "Look, there's no money-back guarantees." "I'm not selling refrigerators here." "Oh, yeah?" "I'll cut you a dynamite deal on mexican shit." "Give me my $20, or we'll go outside." "If we go outside, one of us is going to get hurt." "I told you one of us would get hurt." "Is that right?" "It's been hard..." "the writing..." "lately." "Terrible numbness, then suddenly it comes... in beautiful fragments or terrible dreams... like nods... so high." "Uh!" "Reggie, is that you?" "Who the fuck do you think it is?" "Ohh..." "Don't worry, you're not dead yet." "It's not bad." "Hey, give me that." "How come it's all wet?" "Because you pissed on it." "I didn't say you could read this." "What, have you been digging through all my stuff?" "I need..." "I got to get out of here." "Where's my jacket?" "You're welcome." "What the hell am I thanking you for?" "Because you was frozen in the snow like a goddamn creamsicle." "Where is it?" "What?" "You know what the fuck I'm talking about, Reggie!" "Where is it?" "You mean this?" "Huh?" "Give it to me." "I'll cut your fucking throat, Reggie!" "Give it to me, all right?" "Just give it to me!" "Oh, give it to me!" "Give it to me!" "I'm serious!" "Give me it!" "Give it to me!" "Goddamn it!" "I'll make you an incredible offer." "I'm going to save your life twice in one day, understand me?" "You should have left me in the fucking snow, man." "Give me the money for my dope, too." "I'm not gonna suck your dick, all right?" "Put that away." "Who the hell wants you to suck their dick?" "Goddamn it!" "Look at yourself!" "Just look at yourself." "Oh, Reggie... it's okay." "Why are you doing this?" "Because once upon a time, somebody helped me, and I always pay what I owe." "Reggie." "Reggie, I just need a taste." "I just need a little something, Reggie." "You don't understand." "It hurts, Reggie!" "Ow!" "Reggie, I got to go." "I got to go see my mom." "You got to let me get out of here, Reggie." "Reggie!" "It hur..." "It hurts." "Aah!" "Shit!" "Oh, boy..." "# Touch the taste and taste the smell #" "# Smell the scent, all the gifts you gave to me, baby #" "# The food of your brain #" "# The room is spinning round #" "# I never come down #" "# The room is spinning round #" "# I never come down... #" "Reggie." "You got to give me it." "You got to give me it, Reggie." "Please!" "Oh!" "Reggie, come on!" "# I remember you, too #" "# I blew my mind # #" "Wake up." "Can't sleep all day." "Oh." "Thanks." "Jesus Christ." "What happened to you?" "What does it look like?" "Motherfucker shot me." "Woke my black ass up." "Shit." "Look, uh..." "I'll be back in the morning, Jim." "You just stay cool." "You start to get panicky, write about me in that book of yours." "Actually, I was a little hurt I wasn't mentioned." "You really like my writing, huh, Reggie?" "Damn, man, I told you four times already." "What do you want me to do?" "Bend over and kiss your ass?" "Hey, Reg, do me a favor." "While you're out, pick me up a bag." "# The room is spinning round #" "# I may never come down #" "I am alone." "Not just me." "We're alone... alone forever." "And who's at the end of that forever tunnel I run through, up Fifth with the wallpaper of skyscrapers?" "I'm thinking, after all those beautiful trips, that this is one of those bad ones." "Diane?" "Hey!" "Jim." "Remember me?" "Man, you look great." "Yeah, thanks." "Good to see somebody from the old neighborhood..." "What do you want, Jim?" " You holding anything?" " No." "Just like a 5 or something?" "Just to tide me over, you know?" "Please, Diane?" "Come on." "Yeah." "For an old friend?" "Why not?" "I've been looking all over for this." "Oh, you know what?" "I only got a 20." "A 20 is good." " Yeah?" " Yeah!" "A 20 is great, yeah." "That would help me out a lot." " You want a 20?" " Yeah." "Why don't you go buy yourself some pretzels, you asshole." "You bitch!" "You're nothing but a whore!" "I don't give a shit about your clothes!" "You're still a whore to me!" "Yeah?" "Shut up." "Look at you." "Oh, are you desperate now, baby?" "Who's a whore now?" "Don't talk to me like that, you bitch!" "Ha ha." "Who's laughing, stupid?" "Don't play a game with me!" "I know you!" "Ah!" "Shit." "Oh, man." "Shit." "Ha ha ha!" "Mickey." "Mick, what's up, man?" "Hey, what's up, man?" "Did you get anything?" "No, not a dime." "You score?" "Yeah, I got something." "What'd you get?" "About 35 bucks." "35?" "Where'd you get it?" "I robbed some fucking asshole on the "D" train." "Dude, 35 will keep us on for, like, two days." "Well, could we get some stuff, man?" "I'm fucking... my head is..." "I see some spics." "I think we can score." "You wanna check it out?" " Yeah, alright." " Come on." "They're over here." "Why the fuck do we have to cop on the street all the time?" "My fucking nuts are itching like crazy." "Think this is him?" "Is your name Pino?" "Listen... could we get us some dope?" "The dude over there said you could help." "You want to cop some shit?" "Let me see some cash." "I got it here." "Let me see." "Hey, no money without no taste." "You want a taste?" "Don't worry." "Don't worry." "Hurry, man." "Come on." "There's fucking cops all over." "That's good, man." "That's good." "All right, listen..." "4 for 35." "4 for 35, man?" "Come on, man." "$5.00 short." "What's the big deal?" "Ta bien, chico..." "Toma, toma." " You got four?" " Yeah." "We should taste this." "Where are we going to cook it up?" "I don't know about his guy." "No, he's cool." "Fuck, man!" "What's the matter?" " Just taste it!" "Come on." " What do you mean?" "I tasted it." "He beat us." "He fucking beat us." "I swear to fucking God..." "Put that away!" "I'm gonna kill this mother...!" " Come here, motherfucker!" " Put it away!" "I'm going to fucking kill you, you motherfucker!" "Motherfucker, you're fucking dead, you hear me?" "Dude, don't make me do it." "Where's the money?" "I want the money." "I want the money and the bags." "Where's the fucking money?" "The fucking money!" "I want it!" "Aah!" "No!" " Oh, shit!" " We fucking killed him!" "What the fuck do you mean, we?" "I didn't fucking touch him!" "Don't put that shit on me!" "He beat us, man!" "He deserved it!" "You went too far, Mickey!" "Oh, shit!" "Is he dead?" "Of course he's fucking dead!" "He fell six stories!" "Jim, come on." "Come on!" "Will you come one?" "Jim, don't make me leave you here!" "Oh, shit." "# Star #" "# I'll reach you if I try #" "# Show me the truth, yeah #" "# Star #" "# I'll reach you if I try #" "# Show me the truth, yeah # #" "Come on, get back up!" "Come on!" "Get off of me!" "What are you doing?" "Who is it?" "Ma..." "let me in." "Ma, let me in!" "Please, Ma." "Ma?" "Hey, Ma?" "Are you in there, Ma?" "Ma, is that you?" "Yeah." "Ma?" "Ma?" " Are you there?" " Yeah." "Hi." "Hi, Ma." "Hi." "Hi." "Listen, I need you to help me out, all right?" "I need you to give me some money." "Okay?" "I need you to give me, like, five doll..." "Like, $20, something like that because I'm in some trouble." "Ma?" "Do you hear me, Ma?" "Yeah, I hear you." "I can't help you." "Okay, listen, what you got to do is give me some money, okay?" "Jim, I can't do that." "Why not?" "Mom, you know I'm not going to do anything with it." "I just need to go out of town for a little while 'cause I got into some trouble, and I need some help." "Okay?" "So, you got to give me some money, Mom." "Can you hold my hand?" "Yeah, I'll hold your hand." "Mom, can you give me some money, please?" "Mom, can you give me some money, please?" "Stop fucking around!" "I can't." "Mom, give me some fucking money, please!" "What are you doing?" "I'm your son!" "I don't have any." "Mom, don't fuck around like this!" "Give me some money!" "Mom!" "Come on!" "Let me in the fucking door!" "Oh, God." "Oh, fuck." "Let me in." "I need some money." "I need some money real bad." "Ohh..." "Oh, God." "Someone's breaking into my apartment." "They have a knife." "Oh!" "Mom!" "You don't understand, Mom." "You don't know what you're fucking doing to me." "Mom, I'm in pain." "How could you do this to your son, you bitch?" "You fucking bitch!" "Ah!" "Oh, let me in!" "I'll do anything!" "I'll be a good boy!" "I'll be a good boy, mom, if you let me in." "Get off me!" "Get off!" "No!" "No!" "You fuckers!" "You're not going to do this!" "Fuck you!" "Ma!" "Don't do this!" "Ma!" "Ma!" "Ma!" "I got six months in Riker's Island for assault, robbery, resisting arrest, and possession of narcotics." "I sweated out a horrible cure and stayed clean the whole stretch even though it's been easier to get good junk in here than it is on the street." "Shit, it's been hard, man." "All I've been doing is reading these diaries and wondering how the hell I'm still alive, and even if I care." "Suffice to say that I'm finished with the asshole bandits of shower-room rape, and suffice to say that those swine guards won't draw blood from my ankles again." "Suffice to say that I've been just thinking about dumb stuff like what a nice concept it is to have a godmother and a godfather, wondering who my godparents might be." "My mom won't visit me here, so I guess I'll just have to wait till I get home to ask." "Jim?" "Who's there?" "It's me." "Pedro?" "What's up, man?" "Nothing." "You know." "I..." "I hear you come here." "I just came by to say hi." "I'm sorry about that night at the candy store and everything." "It's all right." "Reform school turned out to be real cool, so don't sweat it." "Did you hear about Mickey, that scumbag?" "He went and threw some chump off a roof." "He's getting 5 to 15 years, man." "They tried him like an adult." "Shit." "I got a present for you, Jim." "A bag of the finest dope in Manhattan." "You know, me and you?" "Like old times?" "I can't." "Come on." "It would be dynamite." "I got this thing to do." "Why don't you come check it out?" "No." "I'm going to go, then, you know?" "You know how it is." "Take care of yourself, little man." "Know this." "There's different types of users of junk." "You got your rich dilettante square-ass who dabbles now and then and always has enough money to run off to the Riviera if he feels he's fucking around to the danger point." "Street junkies hate these pricks, but they're always suckers, and their money makes them tolerable." "Then you got your upper-middle-class" "Westchester preppies... same as the others, basically." "What they're good for is opening their mommy and daddy's eyes to this social virus and putting pressure on the government to do something about it." "Then there's us street kids." "Start fucking around very young," "13 or so..." "We think we all got it under control and won't get strung out." "This rarely works." "I'm living proof." "But in the end, you just got to see the junk as another 9-to-5 gig." "The hours are just a bit more inclined to shadows."